comb.io - Clips

That's right. Order now and you'll also get Sun 'n' Run, the suntan lotion that's also a laxative. Gotta get a juicer. Gotta drink juice. Lose weight. Won't get chest pains from answering the phone anymore.

So you were gonna kill us. Yeah. Hey, foamy. I want the news, not the weather. Marge, did you hear me zing werewolf Flanders?

Everywhere I go I see teachers in Ferraris-- research scientists drinking champagne. I tried to drink a Coke on the bus, and they took away my pass. That's no life for a famous clown.

ow, ooh. ow, ooh. Ow, ooh.

Oh, that'll work out great! We're out of Lucky Charms.

I think you've had enough, Mr. Peterson. My chiropractor says I can't carry you home anymore. just give me another beer, you brain-dead hick! I'll kill ya! I'll kill all of ya! Whoa! Settle down, Normie. You gotta save those pipes for karaoke.

Hey, what's this thing? Huh? Oh, that's an auto-dialer. This bird was using it to pull a telemarketing scam. But instead he's gonna rot in the slammer for the next 20 years. Bread and water, icy showers, guards whomping your ass around the clock. And the only way out is suicide.

Children, we have tabulated your votes. The king and queen of Springfield High School's class of 1974... are-- Artie Ziff and Marge Bouvier.

I was an Internet billionaire. Say no more. I would stop, but I love my voice. ARTIE: It was the go-go '90s. And I was partying with Newt Gingrich, Janeane Garofalo and Scottie Pippen.

Oh! They won't let you have any fun. Well! If it isn't the leader of the wiener patrol... boning up on his nerd lessons. Homer, you should be more supportive.

I'm... I'm gay. (GASPS SOFTLY) You're not disappointed, are you? Oh, no. No, no. No, I'm just surprised. (LAUGHS NERVOUSLY) Yeah, big surprise. Hey, Marge, here's another bomb. I like beer. (LAUGHING)

It gets kind of hazy after that. Why did a vision of my future include a story about Homer and Lincoln's gold? I guess the spirits thought the main vision was a little thin. Anyway, the point is, you still have the power to change your future. I'll do my best. You're a good kid.

I see. You know, these hamburgers are quite similar to the ones they have at Krusty Burger. Oh, no. Patented Skinner burgers. Old family recipe. For steamed hams. Yes. Yes. And you call them steamed hams despite the fact that they are obviously grilled.

not me Everything really wrapped up nicely. Hmm. Much quicker than usual. I guess we've learned that happiness is wherever you find it. And we've all found happiness, every one of us.

Bart, where's my wallet? Right here, Dad! Thank you! Wow. Classy. Good evening, sir. Would you please leave without a fuss right now? Okay.

Action Figure Man, the "How to Buy Action Figure Man" episode. Please, Mommy. I want it. Hmm. Ren and Stimpy, season premiere.

Hip, hip-- Mom, don't. Hip, hip-- We heard you the first time. Hip, hip-- Hey, I'm trying to drive here.

How wedded are you to the Bart you know? Not very. No! No drugs. Bart just needs a little discipline. Uh, hey, what about military school? It set my brother straight. Now he owns and operates a famous cave. Hmm, you know, maybe Chief Wiggum is right.

Now, Homer, I want you to be my manager. Really? I should warn you, I'm not great with figures. That's okay. I make stupid decisions. Nobody's perfect. I did bad in school. I didn't even go. My personal hygiene has been described as-- Homer, Homer, you'll be a great manager. There's only one thing you need.

Happy anniversary, Mom and Dad. D'Oh! Okay, folks, this is your pilot speaking. If you'll look to the left side of the aircraft, you'll see Homer and Marge "Sampson,"

Oh, no, no, no, no! This isn't right at all! It must be coming toward us at a fantastic speed! Huh? Don't you realize what's happening, Bart? Your comet is gonna collide with the earth and every living thing in its path will be killed! I knew you'd try to find something wrong with my comet, Lisa. You've always been petty and small right from the beginning.

Maybe if we tied it down so it couldn't move, it wouldn't get so hungry. You can't do that, Dad. It's cruel! Oh, everything's cruel according to you. Keeping him chained up in the backyard is cruel. Pulling on his tail is cruel. Yelling in his ears is cruel. Everything is cruel. So excuse me if I'm cruel!

Oh, it's the 23rd door on the left. Nope. Nope. Nope. He wouldn't even hear me out. Find the bathroom all right? Uh... yeah.

Come back for more, eh ? Hey ! What ? What ?

Can I punch Oscar de la Hoya for a while? Just keep it above the belt. (GRUNTING)

I'll work harder than ever before... and show the world overweight people aren't undisciplined, lazy and irresponsible. What happened to my bird? Oh! Marge? Lisa? Flanders?

What are the two E's? Enunciate and energy.

Of course we could make things more challenging, Lisa, but then the stupider students would be in here complaining, furrowing their brows in a vain attempt to understand the situation.

Go to your room, Lisa! Open up, Curly! This is a raid! A raid? Curly? Um, all right, but, uh, I don't know what you expect to find...

Yoink? Ah, heck. Now, where am I gonna get a Danish?

Look. He's fitting right now. Stan Lee came back? Stan Lee never left. And I'm starting to think that his mind is no longer in mint condition. You broke my Batmobile!

My purpose in life is to witness this moment.

Everyone agreed that Lisa was a beautiful baby. Here she is!

"Ooh! Look at me. I'm making people happy.

A chopper, we're saved! Hey, you're the guys who didn't like our capering. When you get to hell, tell 'em Itchy sent you.

Don't you get it, Springfield? It's over. You lose. Now, if you'll excuse me, all this talk has made me hungry.

Sports, sports, sports, sports, sports, sports, sports, sports. Marge, Bart rides up in the front seat today... because he's a good guy at sports. I think Lisa needs to feel a little special tonight. How about letting her ride up front too? I tried.

You lose, Michelangelo's David. Who's next? Me!

Let's roll, boys. Revenge? Of course. But why wound his body with bullets...

I think it was called The Bus that Couldn't Slow Down. First, I hook this common VCR... into the security camera system like so. Then I insert this old videotape of us working... on a continuous loop.

Hi-de-hi, Springfield. Dan Horde mike-side. Tonight our Isotopes take on the pesky Shelbyville Shelbyvillians. The Topes are looking to snap that darn 26-game losing streak, the longest in pro baseball. How about that ? Our sleepy town is in the record book.

Hmm. Dare I pour caramel over the cotton candy? (LAUGHING NERVOUSLY) (LAUGHING MANIACALLY) (THUNDER CLAPS) (MANIACAL LAUGHING CONTINUES)

Aahh! Aahh! Didn't Itchy junior look happy playing with his father?

Yeah, yeah. Hurry, everyone! We don't have much time! After them, men, into the temporarily dry sea. Aw, nuts.

It was all a dream. That's right. The year is 1965. And you and I are undercover detectives on the hot-rod circuit. Now let's burn rubber, baby! Speedway Squad! In color.

Now, Bart, we can't pay you a salary, but, uh, we can give you stock. How's your company gonna make money? Do you have a business model? How many shares of stock will it take to end this conversation? - Two million. - It is done.

Twenty-five dollars!

"you better burn a few other things. "You better burn your shirt and your pants. "Be sure to burn your TV and car. "Oh, yes, and don't forget to burn your house... "because none of those things could exist without six white stripes... seven red stripes and a hell of a lot of stars."

I'm going to write a figure on this piece of paper. It's not quite as large as the last one, but I-- I think you'll find it fair.

I'm an ugmo. Now, that's not true. You're cute as a bug's ear. Fathers have to say that stuff. Dad, am I cute as a bug's ear? - No! You're homely as a mule's butt! - There. See? I'd like to be alone, please.

My name is Marge Simpson, and I painted this. Maybe you'd like to know what possessed me to do it.

Marge, would you love me more if I were president? 'Cause I'll do it if it'll make you happy. Homie, as long as you keep the car full of gas, I'm happy. Well, you can always depend on that. And since I'd achieved...

Your kid flew five feet. That counts as a ride. Two bucks. That was never five feet. That animal of yours is certainly bad-tempered. Yeah, well, you'd be grumpy too if you were taken out of your natural habitat... and gawked at by a bunch of slack-jawed yokels.

I'm not sure I should go. I don't even like him. You're right, Lise. You shouldn't go. It wouldn't be honest. I'll go, disguised as you. What if he wants to hold hands? I'm prepared to make that sacrifice. - What if he wants a kiss? - I'm prepared to make that sacrifice. What if he-- You don't wanna know how far I'll go.

Oh, man. Plain cake doughnuts. Thanks for taking all the fancies, guys ! Why can't I ever get here on time ? Hi-ho, faceless employees.

public television can't afford to bring you such award-winning shows as... Edward the Penitent? I'm really, really, really sorry. I'm afraid sorry doesn't cut it with this pope. Oh-ho.

Blasted! In fact, to pay for the construction... and operation and demolition of our new derrick, the school will have to eliminate all nonessential programs: music-- What? and maintenance. I'll kill that Mr. Burns! And wound that Mr. Smithers. Out of my way!

No. The bank put Lenny in charge. Uh, attention, everybody. Uh-- Oh-- Work harder. Bye.

But the real winners here are Marge's hors d'oeuvres. Wow. How do you come up with such witty remarks? Well-- Come on, come on. Hurry up. "I guess you could say it's my racket." I guess you could say I'm Iraqi. Get off my property.

Get those bears out of here. I'm trying to do an interview. No bears ! We're taping ! All bears off the set. Okay. Now let's get back to your, uh, husband.

I envy you and Homer. Thank you. Why? If you ever met my ex-husband, you'd understand. All he ever did was eat, sleep and drink beer. Your point being? And to top it off, he's been stiffing me... on child support for the last four months. Well, you were unlucky.

Wake up! Wake up! Wake up!

Excuse me, son. Wow! joe Namath. That's right. My car broke down in front of your house. Oh, I cannot believe you are here. Do you think maybe you could give me some pointers? Sure. There's only one thing you need to know... to be a great quarterback.

I'm sorry. Homer doesn't mean to be rude. He's just a very complicated man. Wrong!

Maybe the drawings were a little crude, but all the characters were there. Itchy and Scratchy, Grampa Simpson... and Krusty the Clown. When we return, more classic moments-- and, for the first time on TV, our private reel of Simpsons outtakes,

Hey, I know you. You’re my mechanic- Junior. Frank Grimes, Jr. Frank... Grimes? Dont you remember? Your apelike incompetence drove my father insane.

J Jellyfish, along you came; J And right away I'm stung J

Hey, Simpson, I heard your dad's afraid of a little, old, giant grizzly bear. The only thing my dad's afraid of is paying child support. My dad once beat up six employees at KFC. And he'd been up for three days. SMITHERS: Homer Simpson, report to Mr. Burns' office immediately.

I've been taking care of you for 26 years! I'm the only mother you've ever known! But you have your real son. You're my real son! You've been my son longer than he has. He doesn't need me, and I don't need him! You march yourself downstairs and get in that car! Yes, Mother. And the rest of you too! Yes, Mrs. Skinner.

Imbecile! Simpson, your family will have to remain here. Oh, man! Oh! Don't worry, kids. This is a national park. We can have lots of fun. I'm afraid that's no longer true, ma'am. Budget cutbacks have forced us to eliminate anything the least bit entertaining.

Oh! You see, the kids, they listen to the rap music, which gives them the brain damage... with their hippin' and the hoppin' and the bippin' and the boppin'. So they don't know what the jazz is all about. You see? Jazz is like a jell-O Pudding Pop.

And how's my little major leaguer? Catch any june bugs today? Me and Milhouse took some mail from a mail truck and threw it down the sewer. Son, I know you meant well, but that wasn't the right thing to do. What the hell are you talkin' about? You're the one who double-dared us.

That's our sister ship, the Athena. it went down with 88 souls just last week. I wonder how that happened. Hey, come on, sharky! Yeah, you want a piece of this? You call yourself the king of the jungle. That was fun.

Orlando? Are we going to Sea World? No. Disney World? Uh-uh. Universal Studios? 'Fraid not. Leisure World? Sorry, Grampa. Gator Gulch? You wish. Leisure World? Grampa, you're not even going. Wait a minute. I know where we're going. Oh, it's horrible!

Hey, foamy. I want the news, not the weather. Marge, did you hear me zing werewolf Flanders? Diddly!

Knock it off! I can't hear myself think. I want some peanuts. That's better.

This is a big mistake. I-- Oh, here come the sleeping pills. So drowsy. Pep pills! Perking up again! I could drive all... night.

77y my new K rusty Rib wich. Mmml l don 't mind the taste. Ooh, a new hamburger sandwich. Wow. I cant wait to pack that into my colon. Dude, take it easy on the fatty foods. You’re running out of leg veins to transplant into your heart. I got arm veins, dont I?

Behold the can of mystery! The label vanished many years ago. What strange wonders lie inside? Treasure, dog food? Whoa! Some things man is not meant to know.

Who caN take your trash out Stomp it down For you shake the plastic bag and do the twisty thingy too

I love the nightlife Come on, Homer. Join the party. Mom, John loves Itchy and Scratchy as much as we do. Maybe more. Yeah. And he collects toy robots. He is quite a charmer. Your father's certainly taken a shine to him.

Oh, no! My favorite aggie! Oh! ha? Hmm? Oh. You stole my bit! YOu-- That's my bit, you-- Oh, you stole my bit! Cut! Oh, my God! He's killed the original Alfalfa! Yeah. Luckily, Alfalfa was an orphan, owned by the studio.

Now, separating Siamese twins is a long and costly procedure. Huh? Arr! Ya call that an anchor?

That's right. And who might you be? Hi-yah! Hai! Ho! Hah! Woo! There you go, fellas. D'oh! Look! There's another disadvantaged boy.

Morning, Homer. Looking good. Yeah. Walking's made a new man outta you. It sure has. You see this bulge back here? Now it actually is a fanny pack. No, wait. It's still my ass. But your point is well taken. You see--

The loser will be taunted and booed until my throat is sore!

But I'm a hero! And we salute you for it. Now, don't come back. I'm sorry, Seymour. It's nice you're alive, but you're just not what I'm looking for in a son. I'm glad you understand.

Your burgers are getting cold, guys-- Holy Moly!

Come on, Flanders. There's got to be something you hate. What about mosquito bites? Mm-mmm. Sure are fun to scratch.

His spirit is my collateral. just sign this form and the money will be yours. Sorry, I was just thinking of something funny Smithers did today. I didn't do anything funny, sir. Shut up.

Ronny, are you also my close friend?

- Give me that! Let go! - Give me that thing! I want it! Stop this madness. It's just a washcloth. Besides, it's mine. Yoink! Hey, she's getting away with the washcloth. Head her off at the stairs! Bart, you go around that way and cut her off!

His body grew big but his brain stayed small He was tree-choppin' friend-stompin' house-crushin' Paul Me hungee!

Make you eat ? We merely provided a sumptuous banquet. And frankly, you people made pigs of yourselves. I slaved in the kitchen for days for you people.

That's quite all right. You didn't know. Now if you'll excuse me, I have a performance to give. Good luck! It's bad luck to say that, too! (ALL GASPING)

Okay, we'll start off with the baggy-- Uh, wha-- Those are supposed to be baggy pants! Baggy! Ooh! I've never had a pair of pants that fit this well in my life.

- But, Homer-- - We said good day. Listen to me, Homer. You've won. You own Marge's heart, and that's something I could never buy. Whoo-hoo!

Great. Let's dump these kids in an R-rated movie while we go someplace nice. Can I bring my laser pointer? What do I care?

They're all we have left.

(ORGAN MUSIC PLAYING)

Bart ! All of the other reindeer Used to laugh and call him names Like Shnozzola ! Lisa ! They never let poor Rudolph join in any reindeer games Like strip poker ! I'm warning you two ! Then one foggy Christmas Eve Santa came to say Take it, Homer !

Heh-heh! You don't have a son.

There we go. That's the last I'll see of Mr. Trampoline. Yep, it's finally gone.

Hmm. I can't decide if this'll be considered feisty or crazy. Hey! Hey, what the-- Oh, if he thinks George Bush'll stay out of the sewer, he doesn't know George Bush. Hey, turkeys! Behind ya.

Hey! Wow! An original Malibu Stacy from 1958! Ooh! Yeah, they took her off the market after some kid put both his eyes out. Oh, my!

at least the burglar's having a merry Christmas. Bart. You're up early. I couldn't sleep. What's wrong? There was no burglar. No burglar? What does he mean, no burglar?

Choke on your lies! I'll teach you to-- Homer, they must've made a mistake.

I'll bet I get blamed for this. But, Aquaman, you cannot marry a woman without gills. You're from two different worlds. Oooh, I've wasted my life.

Big Hungry joe?

But he'll never know! - Good grief. - Oh! My head! How long have I been out here? All night. You were yelling at the swing. I was? But I love the swing.

I told that idiot to slice my sandwich. Ow!

A poem by Hans Moleman. I think that I shall never see. My cataracts are blinding me.

Whoopsy-doodle. Oh, man! Ned spilled ink all over my poems! He's a real flat tire. I mean a cube, man. He's putting us on the train to Squaresville, Mona. Hmm?

Ticket, please. I don't have a ticket. Come with me, boy. We've got a stowaway, sir. I'll pay. How much ? Twice the fare from Tucson to Flagstaff... minus two-thirds of the fare from Albuquerque to El Paso. Whoa !

Son, you've got to marry that girl. Because it's honorable? No! Because you'll never do any better. You lucky bum. The fish jumped right in the boat. All you got to do is whack her with the oar.

It's a special isolation chamber, see ? The subject pulls levers to receive food and warmth. The floor can become electrified, and showers of icy water randomly fall on the subject. I call it the Monroe Box.

Everyone knows you're faking it, Bart.

Well, thank you. See, Jojo? She likes it.

- You're taking this quite well. - I'll kill you! I'll kill all of you! Homer! Sorry. Sorry.

Wow! Free beer! Buddy, those are my quarters! Hey, this guy's paying off!

A great big sunshine hello to you. Hi, Little Vicki. That was such a long time ago. I'm just plain Vicki now. All right. I'd like to sign my daughter up for lessons, Vicki. Little Vicki. But you just said-- So what dance style were you interested in? We have ever so many. There's ballroom.

Here we go. Clipped to face and neck-- 116.

Well, you can't argue with the little things. It's the little things that make up life. Homer, I'm disappointed, but I think you need to do what's best for your family.

Was your second wish to be entered in the Little Miss Springfield Pageant? What are you talking about? I sent in an application for you. I couldn't find a big enough photo, so I sent in... that funny drawing of you on roller skates.

I feel so much empathy for those villagers. They had to drink their own tears. I was so bored, I cut the ponytail off the guy sitting in front of us. "Look at me. I'm a grad student. I'm 30 years old, "and I made $600 last year." Bart, don't make fun of grad students. They just made a terrible life choice.

I'm Homer Simpson. You wish.

A lot of women are going to want to have sex with you, and, uh, we want them to think they can. Well, if I explain it to Marge that way, I'm sure she'll understand. Come on, honey.

I'm hideous. Lisa, I know a song that will cheer you up. There once was an ugly duckling So you think I'm ugly? No! No, I meant you were one of the good-looking ducks... that makes fun of the ugly one.

And now you're ready for a night on the town. Homer, you've got it set on "whore." Uh, OOP-- Okay. This time, try to keep your nostrils closed. Oh, look what you did. Now I have to go get my cold cream gun.

Charge! Your dad ever take you to baseball games? Nah. His game was blackjack. He bet our life savings on a single hand. Nineteen. Hit me. Twenty. Hit me. - Twenty-one. - Hit me. - Twenty-two. - D'oh!

Ah, 433rd Street. My old neighborhood. Hmm. "Oh, yes. Oh, yes. "Capitol City's nakedest ladies.

Oh, now what? If you're still mad at me, I'm gonna be really mad. Come on, Marge. Will you-- Fight fair! I never do this to you. Talk to me! Oh!

I cant believe they took Monkey Trauma Center off for this.

Hey! We can get away in their pouches! Eew! It's not like in cartoons. Yeah. There's a lot more mucus.

I couldn't quite put my finger on it. There was something strange about the way he walked. Much more vertical than usual.

Unless you're feeling amorous. No, I'm not. Well, then, good night. Hey, Dad. What's the word from planet Crackpot? Oh, I suppose you're going to mock me too. Well, actually, Dad, I believe you. You do? Yes, I do. You seem so damn sure.

(EXCITED CHATTER) Joe, why won't you acknowledge our love child? Er, uh, that is not my baby. (QUIMBY-LIKE) Er, uh, waa... Raise this as your own.

What are you laughing about? You started off as the bad cop. And now you're the good one. You and Willie got mixed-up about 10 minutes ago. We did not! Now, where's Bart? You better tell me! Oh! You better tell him, lassie. I cannot control him when he gets like this. Now you're the good cop. What?

Roll over ! Like this. Congratulations, sonny. You've earned a toffee. Oh, thank you, you moldy old maid. Homer, can't we place this ad after the dog fails his test ? No ! We have to commit ourselves. Now, take this down. "Free to loving home.

Homer, we've got to get out of here! Oh! But I wanna do some rioting. - Jobbers cobknots, ya mucker! - All done.

"Good night, room. Good night, moon. Good night, cow jumping over the moon."

When I catch you, I'm gonna pull out your eyes and shove 'em down your pants... so you can watch me kick the crap outta you! Okay? Then I'm gonna use your tongue to paint my boat.

Good night. I've figured out the boy's punishment. First, he's grounded. No leaving the house, not even for school. Second, no eggnog. In fact, no nog period. And third, absolutely no stealing for three months.

Uh, it's my first day!

'Ello, 'ello, 'ello. What's all this then? It's a little bird with a knife, innit? Oh! What a thing to 'appen. What--

Game over. Please deposit 40 quarters. What a rip!

(LAUGHING) Injured hippies.

"John Lemon." "Orange Harrison." "Paul McIced Tea" "Mango Starr." Hey, Bart, how about a blast from the past? A 40-year-old novelty beverage? Hand it over.

Careful, Smithers! That sponge has corners, you know.

such as, if you leave milk out, it can go sour. Put it in the refrigerator, or, failing that, a cool, wet sack. And put your garbage in a garbage can, people. I can't stress that enough. Don't just throw it out the window. This is so humiliating.

Have you ever wondered why fat parents have fat children... or why Chinese parents have Chinese children? It's no coincidence. It's because of... D.N.A.

This magazine you sold me isn't Fantastic Four, it's Fantastic Floor. My family can't put in floors. We rent. Sorry. No refunds.

He's a complicated man But no one understands him but his woman John Shaft. Oh, she's here. Cover for me. One fugu. Not fugu ! If it is cut improperly, it's, it's-- Yes, yes, it is poisonous, potentially fatal.

Hello. I'm your customer service rep, Lindsey Naegle. We've met you many times, Miss Naegle. Why do you keep changing jobs? I'm a sexual predator. Oh.

They were about rebellion, about political and social upheaval!

None! They'd have more sense than that! Oh, you're feisty. I'm gonna give you a Madonna cut. Homer, I don't need you around me 24 hours a day!

Eww! Psst! Oh, I missed you so much, boy.

You dunking your sausages in that syrup, homeboy? Marge, tell Bart I just want to drink a nice glass of syrup like I do every morning. Tell him yourself. You're ignoring Lisa, not Bart. Bart, thank your mother for pointing that out. Homer, you're not not talking to me. And, secondly, I heard what you said. Lisa, tell your mother to get off my case.

Don't get me started on lotus flowers. No. No, it is the sign that it is time for my arranged marriage. Oh, well, congratulations. No, no, no. Don't you know what it means? Not... really. It all happened shortly after my eighth birthday. Okay, here we go.

Turn it up! Turn it up!

Hello. I'm Nichelle Nichols of Star Trek. Oh! You finally accepted my invitation for tea and chit chat. Ew. Listen, I said it to Shatner and I'm saying it to you. There is no way I'm going to be dating a man with pie on his face. (SOBBING) (ALL LAUGHING)

These monsters are destroying everything and everyone we hold dear! And you kids should have jackets on. Hey! What's that in his footprint?

Homer, bring Maggie out.

(GASPS) ALL: Intervention! What, the family? Uh, son, we're here to help with your, uh... Which addictadiddilydiction are we going after here? Overeating. And if there's time, we'll get to my drinking. But there won't be time. I'm telling you, Bart. One vice leads to another.

Go with it! Here you go, Todd. The city edition. Bart, I don't know if this should be an extra. Is your source on this reliable?

Mmm-mmm-mmm. Hmm? Mmm! Wow! I'm sorry I doubted you before, Dad. If there has to be a bastardized version of Krusty, I'm glad it's you.

So, you never learned cursive? Uh, well, I know hell and damn and bit-- Cursive handwriting. Script.

How do you do it, Homer? You take an ordinary bedsheet, fold it around like this-- No. I mean raising kids.

Hmm-- Well, well. If it isn't the Doobie Brothers. Uh-oh. Crotch the weed, man. Smell any drugs, Sergeant Scraps? Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!

because I didn't come home last night. I'm cranky... because my husband got drunk and humiliated me in front of the entire town. You broke your promise, Homer. Oh, honey. I didn't get drunk. I just went to a strange fantasy world. Come on. You gotta believe me. You're my soul mate.

Actually, Lisa, it's just Uncle Eldred. I get me brain medicines from the National Health.

- Amen ! - Let's eat. No, I'm not done yet !

Children, stand down! Huh? I said, stand down! I'm not joking, people. From now on there will be no talking out of turn or leaving this room. Willie? Aye, sir! This sucks! Are you questioning my authority?

He jury-rigged the door close using this. Hey, what is that? It's an inanimate carbon rod! Oh! They were just about to show some close-ups of the rod.

And I was-- was--

Hurry, Smithers. Halloween is upon us. Put up the decoration. No, no. That won't scare anybody. On the top.

and teamed up to fight a bigger foe.

And this is Principal Skinner. Hi. Would you mind showing us video footage of your last concert? No problem. I got 200-inch plasma TV in my shoe closet. (ALL GUFFAWING) (CHUCKLES) I'm sharing a laugh with my new friends.

"Do not touch Willie." Good advice. Huh? Our next budget item, $12 for doorknob repair. Nay! Recharge fire extinguishers.

your ass is mine. Yes, you heard me. I think words I would never say.

About a million girls Heh. Hey. Ooh. Look out. Yeah. How does he do it, Smithers ? He's a love machine, sir. Da, da, da Way to go, Dad.

Well, Son, I guess this is the end. But we've both had long, full lives. - Oh. Right. - Hey, look. Another spaceship. And there's nobody guarding it! Let's go.

(BRAKES SCREECHING) ALL: Huh? D'oh! (GRUNTING)

What's a murder?

Oh, right, that. Well, I've been monitoring your progress closely. But this gentleman here clearly stands out above the rest. Who, me? Yeah, sure. Whoo-hoo! After an exhaustive search, Springfield has found its monorail conductor-- Homer Simpson.

Mom, can Otto live in our garage? He sure can. Marge, what were you thinking? That's not my voice. Oh, everybody says that when they hear themselves on tape.

No, no. Stop it. Stop it. You'll enrage the beast! No pictures. You're driving him mad! Aah! Stop it! You're blinding me!

This Christmas, everybody wants Funzo. "Funzo"? I said that name in class. Funzo's soft and cuddly. With lots of firepower. Ow. Yes! Ha-ha! Funzo! Funzo! Funzo! if you don't have Funzo, you're nothin'.

They angry up the blood. You! The troublemaking girl. My name is Lisa, Mr. Burns. Lisa Simpson. It doesn't matter what your name is, you idiot. What I want to know is will you help me get my money back?

Well, sure is quiet in here today. Yes-- a little too quiet if you know what I mean. Hmm. I'm afraid I don't. You see, bees usually make a lot of noise. No noise suggests no bees. Oh. I understand now. Oh, look. There goes one. To the Beemobile!

We've just been handed a bulletin from our Rock 'n' Rumor department. Michael jackson is moonwalking his way to Springfield. While we check it out why don't you enjoy a seldom-heard extra-long version of "in-A-Gadda-Da-Vida." Michael jackson! Such a thing happens once in a blue moon.

Oh, I really felt there was a connection. And I would definitely go out with her again. He smelled like puke!

LISA: Help! Help! So much sulfur dioxide! I'm coming, sweetheart! I'll save you, Lisa! (RUMBLING) Oh, my God! Oh!

Attention, Marge Simpson. Your son has been arrested. I'd be terribly embarrassed if I were that boy's mother. Attention, Marge Simpson. We've also arrested your older, balder, fatter son.

No! I'm with Lisa. Let's take 'em to the cleaners.

for Mayor Terwilliger's victory speech. And just look how happy he is.

"Ah, so. Ah, so. Me like the fried rice.

"Torture Land, Explosion Land, "Searing Gas Pain Land, Unnecessary Surgery Land."

Hi, Marge. Hi, Santa's Little Helper. Hi, kid. Hey! That's not Santa's Little Helper! That's Laddie. Bart says he won him at a church carnival two towns over. In a truth-telling contest, right, Bart? Uh, to the best of my recollection, yes. Wow! I gotta start going to church. What do you got for me, boy?

You there. Fill it up with petroleum distillate. And revulcanize my tires, posthaste.

I invested in something called News Corp-- Dad! That's Fox! Undo! Undo! Dad, do we have any money left?

(GROWLS) I can't take anymore.

Oh, brandishing your buttocks is only getting me angrier. I want to see what's going on! No, mother! Don't look out the window! Cops! Everybody split up!

"P.S.: I am gay." How shall we end it? How about, "With a love that will echo through the ages." Aww. Ooh! That's sweet. Homer, you old honey dripper. Why, you little... Hee, hee.

Everybody's hugging!

It was only a dream. Bart! Is that you? Yes! Take out the garbage.

There. Aronson and Zowkowski are the two biggest gossips in town. In an hour, everyone will know.

What? That's an odd name! I'd have called them chazwazzers!

except for Phil, the boom mike operator, who's getting fired tomorrow. Very unprofessional, Phil. Well, Lise, what do you think about the alien now? I think there must be a more logical explanation. I think the people of this town aren't gonna be won over by three seconds of videotape.

Come on, Willie. I know you're out there.

Kids, I have something to tell you. Oh, Homie, I don't know. This might upset them. Nothing you say can upset us. We're the MTV generation. We feel neither highs nor lows. Really? What's it like? Eh.

As I was saying, my yearly evaluation couldn't have come at a better time. Well, Seymour, I must say, for once, I am impressed. In fact, I am going to give this school a perfect 10. I'll just write the zero first. Now a vertical line to indicate the one.

My dad's all stoked 'cause today's the Fourth of july. He woke me up at dawn to take a loyalty oath. Ugh. My mom's French, so we only celebrate Bastille Day. Well, we could do something fun. Um, how 'bout a beach party? - Oh, great idea, Lise. - Hey, I know where there's a beach! I know where we could get some baguettes.

It's better... - to be... safe... than... sorry. - Dodilly-- - Sorry. - Didilly-- You see anything yet?

I believe everything you say, with your words, your body language... and your Semitic good looks.

Quack, quack, quack.

Talk to the hand the face ain't listening Hey, look what I found! Grampa's old radio.

The one that says "Simpson." Oh! Why does my death keep coming back to haunt me? Oh! You awful, awful man! Get out of my son's grave! I hate to rain on your parade, lady.

I thought I recognized you. I gave you a plate of corn muffins back in 1947 to paint my chicken coop. And you never did it! Those corn muffins were lousy. Paint my chicken coop! Make me!

What do I do now? I've been drummed out of my profession. I'm a disgrace. Even this babbling brook sounds almost like mocking laughter. Who needs money when we got feathers?

Oh, boy! Grandma! We're not going anywhere. But you said-- Uh, sometimes to keep from hurting someone's feelings, we have to say things that aren't exactly-- Lies make Baby jesus cry.

Finish her! Finish her!

We'd met the enemy, and it was Montgomery Burns.

Isn't there like a pound where you can pick up cheap ponies that ran away from home? I sincerely hope not. I'd like to borrow $5,000. Sorry. I can't approve a loan that size myself.

I didn't do it.

- Homer! - Burnsie! Okay, search party, before we set out, let's take a moment to humor the children.

Why? Why was I programmed to feel pain? Technocrats are learning a lesson in humility tonight, as angel supporters lay waste to Springfield's scientific institutions. Ugh! I wish I'd never found those stupid bones! It's time to put an end to this.

Whoa! That bites. Holy crap! What's that you say? You can live without television... as long as you have beer? That's right. Wrong.

You can have some lima beans as soon as you've cleaned your room. Go! Upstairs, third door on the left. Don't walk on the rugs! Yes, Mother. Don't judge her too harshly, Sergeant. She was a lonely old woman.

Let's roll, boys. Revenge? Of course. But why wound his body with bullets... when I could set his soul afire with a slanderous mambo?

Yes. juvenile diabetes? Yes. - Hysterical pregnancy? - Uh, a little bit, yes. You also have several diseases that have just been discovered-- in you. I see. You're sure you just haven't made thousands of mistakes? Uh, no. No, I'm afraid not. Well, this sounds like bad news.

"Guess who likes you."

Look, if you're gonna stay in my room, could you at least stop making up gibberish? Gibberish, eh? Then what's this? Wrinkly gibberish? I got this in the Second World War II.

Oh, my God! He's stealing all the burgers! Why, you little-- I got you! Ho-- Homer, it's-- it's all just an act. Stop! Stop! He's already dead!

Dream on, drunkie. Oh, that's it! You're goin' down! Stop it, you two! You're making Scratchy cry! Oh, we've got to stop putting these flavors of the month on. Flavor of the month? Me? Yeah, Homer. You can't just ride one accomplishment forever.

It looks like everyone in Springfield showed up for this. Ha-ha! Could this town be any stupider? Order! Please rise for the, uh, Pledge of Allegiance. Get to the money! In a moment. First, let's review the minutes from our last meeting. Get to the money! Get to the money!

And if any part of you should feel that air-- it's your own fault. Hmm, I better go check that out.

Kent, let me make this perfectly clear. I have no dog.

Whip them horses let them wagons roll That a people might embiggen America That a man might embiggen His soul His soul Hyah.

Oh, mercy. Nobody's mentioned me, have they?

but on Fridays, you come straight home after school! Tonight is silhouette night. Sit there. I really just came home to change into a turtleneck. Seymour, sit! In the morning. Oh, Mom, I'm borrowing your car.

like a couple of Rory Calhouns.

Twenty more terms. Moving on to new business. What act of unmitigated evil... shall the Republican party undertake this week? Ooh! Ooh, ooh, ooh! You've already done enough, Nader. Let's get rid of PBS! Those lousy Muppets have been taking food out of my mouth for too long. Hmph!

Shut up, Flanders.

You did a cruel thing.

Oooh ! A-ha ! Got him ! Okay, okay.

a horse with the head of a rabbit... and the body of a rabbit. Oh, it's galloping away!

Come home, my Bonny warrior For now the nets are full O' fish... Is that tape working? You ate three desserts tonight.

Do you know who shot Mr. Burns? 'Cause we are really up the creek on this one.

You know, we've had a lot of fun tonight at the expense of the U.S. Navy. But they're out there every day protecting us from Godzilla.

Homer, maybe you'd have more fun at Moe's tonight. Ah, for some reason, Moe's always closed on Wednesdays. "And then they realized they were no longer little girls. They were little women."

ow, ooh. ow, ooh. Ow, ooh.

Hello? Right! I'm calling from Squatter's Crog, Australia. I want to speak to a Dr. Bart Simpson right now. Uh-- Hold, please. All right, but I don't-- Payroll. Bert Stanton speaking. Oi! I said Bart Simpson! What kind of a company is this? Bart Simpson's office. Thank the great, good Lord.

Aw, sure there is. I knew it. If only I had nagged more. God is angry. We've made a false idol of this Brad Goodman. No. You must not blame yourself, Reverend. You must blame that little boy. He started it all.

What do you think of that? Dad! Now throw compost on it! Here. Whew! Uh, enjoy. Oh, still warm.

D'oh! Ow! - Ow! - Look out! Oh, no. I'm gonna go off the end of the--

Hi, hi, hi. Bye. Hi.

- Krusty, are you making any money? - Nah. That guy's giving it away for free. The old gray mare she ain't what she used to be

Troy, I brought with me the gravestone... of author and troubled soul, Edgar Allan Poe. One of our best writers.

No. They were all, in their own way, totally awesome. And you're fine with me trying to get it published? As I've always said, "Publish or perish." Oh, Homie! HOMER: Now for that happy period between the lie and the time it's found out. (HOMER CHUCKLING)

We're giving you an opportunity to participate in a serious discussion here. Oh, I'm sorry, Kent. Just, when the camera gets on me, I--

Hey, I got a question for you. "Would Jesus microwave a burrito so hot... that he himself could not eat it?" Well, sir, of course he could. But then again-- Wow, as melon scratchers go, that's a honey doodle.

Don't blame me. I voted for Kodos. D'oh!

B-i-n-g-o and bingo was his name-o

with A friend to call my own I'll never be alone and you my friend Will see you've got A friend in me Hot cakes...

Everybody up here to my square. It's safe and it's sexy. Oh, baby.

But those women are quitters! What? When I first met your father, he was loud, crude and piggish. But I worked hard on him, and now he's a whole new person. Mom? He's a whole new person, Lisa. - Oh. I know. - Mmm.

Surprise! Surprise. Marge, will you marry me? Why? Am I pregnant?

My fellow Americans-- as a young boy, I dreamed of being a baseball. But tonight I say we must move forward, not backward, upward, not forward... and always twirling, twirling, twirling towards freedom!

and The joy of Cooking Steve Allen. I cut my first and only album, Sax on the Beach.

Well, since you're all such a big bunch of big ration babies, I'll just be in charge of the rationing. Look here, boy. The secret is to take tiny bites, like so. Mmm! Mmm! Mmm! Stop it! Stop it!

shake, shake, shake shake your booty shake your booty ow, if you Can you can do it very well you're the best in the world

Lisa, your father needs your help. Do you know anything about Germany? Well, it's a country in Europe. Good. I'm learning. An economic power of the world... Because we send them money? No. They're efficient and punctual, with a strong work ethic. D'oh!

Oh, for God's sake! Good-bye, Springfield! From hell's heart, I stab at thee!

Okay. The Holy Rollers are ahead by one pin, and we only have one bowler left: Mr. Burns. Hmm?

Those are my feet. Eew! Oh, for the love of puppies.

Ah, Oliver North. He was just poured into that uniform.

I don't understand. If I wanted to see a man eat an orange, I would have taken the orange-eating class. The eating of an orange is a lot like a good marriage. just eat the damn oranges! This is terrible. We're leaving.

Kent, I-- I feel about as low as Madonna... when she found out she missed Tailhook. I'm gonna say ouch for Madonna. Hey, that's my Madonna gag. That guy stole my gag. And you stole it from last Friday's episode of Pardon My Zinger. Stole, made up-- what's the difference?

Hey there! My name's Chet. I'm the cameraman for this here 'cano story. Let's see. I've been to Afghanistan, Serbia, Lebanon...

Eh, looks like I needs some fuel for me mule, gas fer me ass.

Almost time for our commercial. Dad, who's watching TV at 3:17 a.m.? Alcoholics, the unemployable, angry loners.

Go, Moe! Boo, everyone else. I think we know who wins this round. Titania! Duff Beer is brewed from hops, barley... and sparkling clear mountain what? Goat. Uh, close enough!

Bart, are you going to mow the lawn today? Okay, but you promised me Moe money. I Moe, I Moe. Moe, Moe, Moe... When Bart's done, can we Moe to the Moevies for the Moetinee? Of course. All work and Moe play makes Moe a Moe Moe.

Less chat, more hat. Whoo-hoo! Hear ye! Hear ye! The Homer broadcasting system is on the air! All hollering, all the time. I'm gonna make-- You're to restrict your criering to the parade... - and selected preapproved publicity events. - Okay.

Look at me, Powder Puff. I'm dancin'.

Oh, dear God! Cover your eyes, boys! It's okay, man. If it doesn't affect you, you're not human. Uh, Comic Book Guy, you're under arrest for the possession of illegal videos. But we'll reduce the sentence if you put your pants on... fast! God! Come on, Romeo.

And all this time, I've been smoking harmless tobacco. I got a mink chamois, sir. I hope that-- Oh, my God! Mr. Burns is dead!

D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! And sometimes I got into trouble.

And how's my little major leaguer? Catch any june bugs today? Me and Milhouse took some mail from a mail truck and threw it down the sewer. Son, I know you meant well, but that wasn't the right thing to do. What the hell are you talkin' about? You're the one who double-dared us. Why, you little--- Ooh.

Bart, get out of The Spirit of St. Louis!

Don't watch the mon--

the worst episode ever! Rest assured that I was on the Internet within minutes...

Don't you ever get tired of being wrong all the time? Sometimes.

Hey, where's that weather chick? Ooh! This is some wicked party, huh? Hey, have you seen Sully? Get away from here! Hey! I need that pencil! Ladies and gentlemen, what you are seeing... is a total disregard for the things St. Patrick's Day stands for. All this drinking, violence, destruction of property-- Are these the things we think of when we think of the Irish?

Hello? Anyone home? Marge? Maggie? Ahhh! (READING TITLES) Oh, Goldilocks.

They had 30 sons and 30 daughters. What were their names? Dennis, Brianna, Mavis, Brad--

Oh, my God! Baah! She must think you're after her eggs. I only ate one!

Man, you never know which way this crazy ball's gonna go! Yeah, right. You're just trying to trick me, 'cause you don't want me playing with your video game. Here, go ahead. - No. Let me try the cup and ball. - Get your own! Come on! Don't be a cup-and-ball hog! Hey, give it! That's mine!

Oh-- What was I laughing at now? Oh, yes. That crippled Irishman.

Ugh! What is it? It's a COW'S heart. They're tryin' to make a monkey out of you! Alison, is this supposed to be some kind of joke? I didn't do that. I made a different one. Oh, is that so, young lady? Well, where is this phantom diorama?

You can make it, Lisa. I know you can! Come on. I know you can do it. just get your hands back on the rope. It's just a little further. Come on. just a little bit more. You're doing great.

He's just been playing with his trains all afternoon.

They'll never know the simple joys of a monkey knife fight. Give it to him, boy! Give it to him!

(SNORING) Z-Z-Z-Z-Z-Z-Z...

Oh. I never thought I'd have to do this again. Reverend Lovejoy! You've gotta help me.

Morning, Homer. Looking good.

Whoa! Sign's floating away, Chief.

Okay, God. I bumped off the love of my life according to your divine whim. Now release me from this ghastly vocation. MALE VOICE: No! Come on! All right. Woo-hoo!

What'd you do? Screw up like the Beatles and say you were bigger than jesus? All the time. It was the title of our second album.

Why, you little..! Krusty, please continue. Okay. My father tried to extinguish the comedy bug but it was no use.

Shame on you, and shame on you. And shame on your whole ill-mannered town! Hey, that guy's shaming us.

Lisa, tell your father. Mr. Bergstrom left today. Oh ? - He's gone. Forever. - And ? I didn't think you'd understand. Hey, just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand.

Homer, give him what he wants!

Do whatever it takes-- Sweet talk, insults, slang from the '30s that no one uses anymore. Like "rubes"? Now you're on the trolley.

Live, from the Springfield Civic Auditorium-- it's "The Simpsons 138th Episode Spectacular!" Hello, I'm Troy McClure. You may remember me from such Fox Network specials as...

Trick or treat, man. Aren't you a little old for this? You're not even wearing costumes. Hand over the candy, old dude, or we egg your house. Here you go, kids. Heh-heh... heh. Lousy punks. D'oh!

Joy to the world the teacher's dead we barbecued her head what happened to her body

No, no, Marge ! Come on. Please.

It's breathtaking. Look. There's the Imperial Gardens. The Meiji Shrine. The Hello Kitty factory. Who's up for some exploring? Hey, I'm still checking out japanese TV.

I think Bart and Lisa are feeling a little upset right now. Isn't there something you'd like to say? There sure is. Kids, you tried your best, and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

The "eco-radical" group Dirt First... staged a daring protest today at Krusty Burger. Krusty the Clown has issued the following statement. "This I don't need."

Yeah ? Oh, yeah ? Yeah. Hey, what's the problem here ? We were fighting over which one of us loves you more. You were ? Aw, well, go ahead. You love him more. No, you do. No, I don't. Yes, you do ! You better get this out of your system right now !

See you in hell, punk. See you in hell, punk!

it's The Springfield Squares! Now, jacqueline, I believe it's your turn. I'll take Rainier Wolfcastle to block. Ah, Rainier Wolfcastle, star of McBain and the upcoming film... Help, My Son is a Nerd! My son returns from a fancy East Coast college,

"Pick up a hammer." Mmm. It's not as easy as I thought it was.

You, sir, are an idiot.

8:58. First time I've ever been early for work-- except for all those daylight savings days. Lousy farmers. "To start, press any key." Where's the "Any" key? I see "Esk," "Catarol," and "pig Up."

Batman! Oh, it's been done.

Oh! A wise guy, eh? Ow! Ow! Ow! Hamster: two. Bart: zero.

You will now go back to your hometowns... and do kids' parties, swap meets... and all the other piddly crap I wouldn't touch with a 10-foot clown pole. Now, come and get your cat-skins--

Hey, Lise, check it out. Diamond vision. Buzz off. Hey, look. Our tour guide got a new job.

You know, the-- One thing I should-- - Excuse me for one second. - Of course. Well, that was wonderful. A good time was had by all. I'm pooped.

"The Venus Flytrap is a carnivorous plant... which uses bait to lure unsuspecting prey into its digestive tract."

"I had a cat named Snowball. "She died, she died! "Mom said she was sleeping. "She lied, she lied!

Eh-- All right. We've all got derringers. Now let's just put 'em away. Nobody here is a cheat. Cheat? Aw, geez. Man, those derringer bullets are weak. Powerful weak.

Uh, singles life is great, Homer. I can do whatever I want. Today I drank a beer in the bathroom. The one down the hall? Yeah. And another great thing-- you get your own bed. Uh, I sleep in a racing car. Do you? I sleep in a big bed with my wife.

What you talkin' 'bout, everyone?

I think I'm gonna call him Stampy.

Shut up, shut up, shut up!

they did the mash they did the monster mash

I don't think so. Tell me the truth! Don't tell her I raised my voice. Don't. Happy family. Happy family.

Walt Whitman? Damn you, Walt Whitman! I... hate... you, Walt... freakin'... Whitman! Leaves of Grass my ass!

You got anything else with our logo on it? Caps and Frisbees, sir. You gotta eat them too! And some pogs.

Who needs money when we got feathers? Hmm.

Top of the mornin' to ye on this gray, drizzly afternoon. Kent O'Brockman live on Main Street where today... everyone is a little bit Irish... except, of course, for the gays and the Italians. All right, then. Move along. Nothin' to see here. Show's over, folks. Parades just bring out so many emotions in me--

Peking duck! Get your crispy Peking duck! Yeah, duckman! Over here! Mmm! Mmm!

No offense, Mom, but that was pretty cool. Homer, I think you'd agree that I've put up with a lot in this marriage.

Oh, why did he have to move in on my territory? Look at him. Thinks just because he led the free world he can act like a big shot! Stupid president! Why couldn't he just stay in his own state? Actually, this is one of the nine states where Mr. Bush claims residency, Dad. I wouldn't have voted for him, but it's nice to have a celebrity in the neighborhood.

More tea, Edna? What kind of little boy has a tea set? I think we both know the answer to that. A lucky boy!

Dad, those peanuts aren't for you. - They're for the elephant. - Screw him! Put me down! Ganesh commands you!

Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! We're here. Howdy, partner. Four score and seven blocks ago, my-- Aah! Aah!

Whoa. That isn't good. Stop the ride! I'll have to ask my supervisor. Better stop it.

To enter, send me your parents' brains, or write "Parents' Brains" on a three-by-five card and send it to-- Homer, did you barricade the door? Why? Oh, the zombies. No.

Scaredy-cat. You stay here till you're no longer insane.

(GROANS IN DISGUST) Knock-kneed home renters. Can't we thin this herd with some smallpox-infected blankets? We're already immune, you jerk! Gee, I never noticed that before. He's got a tree in his eye. If that tree gets too big, it'll ruin the beauty of that rock!

Oops. I said the quiet part loud and the loud part quiet. Oh, dear.

Cool. ts the NBC news feed. Mmm. Feed. You get to see what they do during commercial breaks. We'll be right back with a special report... on soccer moms who hate soccer. Clear! Oh, Lord. I'm so fat.

isn't it a beautiful moon tonight?

Whew. I'm glad that wasn't us.

Milhouse, your word is "choke." Oh, I know this one. ts so easy! F- Oh, man! Stop laughing! It will scar him for life! It is kind of infectious.

(GROANING) Uh-oh. You killed him. He was my world. ALL: (CHANTING) Blood for cream. Blood for cream. Blood for cream. Blood for cream.

They'll be fine in half an hour. That's not the point. And another thing-- I asked you to take out the garbage three days ago, and you still haven't-- Hmm. Still half an hour till dinner. Oh, well. Ow!

But, like people, some of them are just jerks. Stop that, Mr. Simpson.

What? I finally found my daddy. Ohh! I think I just "seltzered" myself. Shut up, Updike!

I never want to see you again! You either. Homer. Homer, why didn't you tell me? I was ashamed, Marge. I failed you as a husband and a provider. And at best I was a B-plus dog. I'll understand if you want to sleep on the couch tonight.

"Truly, yours is a butt that won't quit. "Yesterday morning "I put your picture up in my garage to inspire me while I gapped my spark plugs."

Yeah. Moe's Tavern. Moe speaking. Is jacques there ? Who ? jacques. Last name Strap. Uh, hold on. Uh, jacques Strap ? Hey, guys, I'm lookin' for a jacques Strap. What ? Aw, wait a minute. Jacques Strap ?

Ohh. I can't believe our government would set up Bart like that.

two Many dancing people covered with blood, gore and glop just one sniff of that fog And you're inside out it's worse than that flesh-eating virus

We heard what you said. Yeah! Heard it old school. It's N'Sync! Can the chitchat, Milhouse. We've got just the song you need to defuse this whack attack. Defuse it old school.

That was the tardy bell. "Truant! Truant! Truant!" they'll all say!

Wait! Please don't go. I get so lonely.

My, these seas are certainly heaving. No more than your bountiful bosom, milady.

And that's how an heroic hippo became a deputy. Stupid hippo.

Return to your state of living death at once, sir. Is that you, Apu? Whoa! Time has ravaged your once-youthful looks. Ah, well, Sanjay. That is the end of our freak show.

Stupid driving test at the stupid D.M.V. where stupid Patty and stupid Selma work!

I'm so hungry I could eat at Arby's. Oh, my gosh! Oh, wow! She really is hungry. She's really hungry.

Dad won the First Annual Montgomery Burns Award. We should invest in a set of "Great Books of Western Civilization." Look at this ad from New Republic for Kids. "Each month, a new classic will be delivered. "Paradise Regained, Martin Chuzzlewit or Herman Melville's twin classics, Omoo and Typee."

When Homer sold his soul for a doughnut, he found out that hell isn't all it's cracked up to be... in these never-before-broadcast scenes.

Homer, it's really coming down! Could you check on the boys? They're fine. And no matter what happens, I'll never forget the advice you gave me.

People of Springfield, because of the epidemic, I have canceled my vacation to the Bahamas. I shall not leave the city-- Hey, you, get that steel drum out of the, uh, mayor's office. Sorry, "mon."

You've come to the right place. If there's one thing we know, it is science. And math. And the words to every Monty Python routine. We are the knights who say "Ni!" Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni.

What? It's not "Magaggie's" birthday? Oh. Hey! Hey! Hey! Stop it! I made a special cake for you to ruin. It's over there. Ooh.

Now, to the plant! We'll take the Spruce Moose! Hop in! But, sir-- I said hop in.

Mr. Burns, I was wondering if you'd like... to sponsor my bowling team for $500. Why, certainly, Pop 'n' Fresh. I owe my robust physique to your tubes of triple-bleached goo. Whoo-hoo! Hey, everybody, if you wanna ask Burns for a favor, now's the time!

- Dad, can I ask you a question? - Sure, honey. Why are you dedicating your life to blasphemy?

Oh, no! We're out of gas. I couldn't figure out this stupid Italian gas gauge. I've gotta get to school!

or exploiting animals for entertainment. Oh! I wanted to see 'em fire a gorilla out of a cannon. Enjoy the show. For one day, we shall die. Ohh! Stop! Wait! Wait! Attendez!

Aw, come on, ya stupid-- Let that be a lesson to the rest of you... nuts. Okay, Dad. I'll be persistent. Is that how you got Mom? Well, son, never underestimate the appeal of a man in uniform.

Whoa! Wow! Man, you never know which way this crazy ball's gonna go! Yeah, right. You're just trying to trick me, 'cause you don't want me playing with your video game. Here, go ahead. - No. Let me try the cup and ball. - Get your own! Come on! Don't be a cup-and-ball hog! Hey, give it! That's mine!

People are calling this a meltdown. That's one of those annoying buzz words. We prefer to call it an "unrequested fission surplus."

Yes! Eat all of our shirts!

He shoots, he sc-- My thumb!

Eek! I mean, ach! I mean, what are you doing here? Uh, we're new foreign exchange students... from, uh, uh, Scotland! Saints be praised! I'm from Scotland. Where do you hail from? Uh, North Kilt Town.

You'll pay for this with your children's blood! Oh, right. How you gonna get 'em? Skeleton power? I'll strike where you cannot protect them-- in their dreams!

We might as well face the truth. As long as we are Stonecutters, he will control our lives. Maybe. But maybe we don't want to be Stonecutters no more.

Oh, my God! This man is my exact double! That dog has a puffy tail! Here, Puff! Here, Puff!

I can't believe you're not still popular. What'd you do? Screw up like the Beatles and say you were bigger than jesus? All the time. It was the title of our second album.

I admit it. I did screw up. But I won't feel guilty until I can put a human face on this.

Twenty-four hours ?

If elected mayor... my first act will be to kill the whole lot of ya and burn your town to cinders. Mike's on. I know it's on.

Well, time to go to work. Dad, I wouldn't go outside if I were you. Don't worry, boys. He's gotta come out of there sometime.

He left his briefcase. Hey! It's full of shredded newspapers. Well, I guess that's it. People like us can't afford justice. Come on, Homie. Let's go before he fires you too. No! Mr. Burns, I'm not leaving until you say you're sorry for what you did to my wife. You love her too.

Hello? Anyone home? Marge? Maggie? Ahhh! (READING TITLES)

Everyone remember that for when his hearing comes back. Swish! (CROWD LAUGHING)

I have to turn my chair this way now.

Last night? Um--

Huh. What can I do for you and your new do? You sent me to the chair. Snake? But you're dead. I know you are, but what am I? No. No. No!

And for some reason, my hair and ear form an "M" and a "G."

Ha ha! En garde! Parry! Thrust! Nicely done, Wind Dancer. (LAUGHS) But seriously, cruelty to animals is no laughing matter. You can make a difference. Spay and neuter your pets!

Prepare to engage enemy. Bogie's air speed not sufficient for intercept. Suggest we get out and walk. jump, boy! I got you! I'm coming!

Come in for brain surgery... and receive a free Chinese finger trap. Okay, friend. You tried the best. Now try the rest. Call 1-600-DOCTORB. The "B" is for "bargain"!

You're the worst shill I've ever seen. You're a disgrace to the medicine show business. They didn't start chasing us until you turned on that getaway music.

You pressed "You," referring to me. That is incorrect. The correct answer is you.

Will you get to the point? Yes! Only I could have executed such a masterpiece of electoral fraud.

Turn it up! Turn it up!

Oh! No! Wait a minute. Bronchial tubes clearing. Asthma disappearing. Acne... remains. But asthma disappearing.

That doll is evil, I tells ya. Evil! E-E-Evil!

And that is that.

- Radical! - Awesome! I can't read.

Uh, being a clown sucks. You get kicked by kids, bit by dogs and admired by the elderly. Who am I clowning? I have no business being a clown. I'm leaving the clowning business to all the other clowns in the clowning business.

Let me be blunt. Is there a labor crisis in America today? That depends what you mean by "crisis."

You'll be on a rocket ride to the moon! And while you're there, would you pick up some of that nice green moon money for me-- Royce McCutcheon. No deal, McCutcheon. That moon money is mine!

Put on a pot of coffee, drink it and start making burgers!

Please. Yung Mee was a hack compared to this guy! You're hired. Let's see. You will invent a humorous toilet lid. You will find true love on Flag Day. Your store is being robbed, Apu. Are you getting all this, Lisa? I don't know.

Hi, Poochie! You look like you've got something to say. - Do you? - Yes, I certainly do. I have to go now. My planet needs me.

I have to go now.

Hi. You from the casino? I'm from a casino. Good enough. Let's go. I'm afraid Robert Goulet hasn't arrived yet, sir. Hmm. Very well. Begin the thawing of jim Nabors.

Eh. His best friend's a talking pie. Sold! Howard, you've done it again. These happy days are yourS and mine these happy days are yours and mine happy days

Oh, Homer, you're not going as a hobo again? Going where?

Beep. Guess what, Homie? There's going to be... twice as much love in this house as there is now. We're gonna start doin' it in the morning? No! Oh. We're going to have another baby. Marge, that's-- Bye-bye, keys.

Uh, Amanda Huggenkiss! Hey, I'm looking for Amanda Huggenkiss! Why can't I find Amanda Huggenkiss? Maybe your standards are too high.

You're fired! What? Fire me?

The guys who wrote this show don't know squat. Itchy should've tied Scratchy's tongue with a taut-line hitch, not a sheet bend. Oh, Bart. Cartoons don't have to be 100% realistic.

This enormous woman will devour us all! Aaah! I-- I meant the statue. Okay. Gilligan, the Skipper, and Chief Wiggum. - Name three castaways. - Hi-oh! Ooh!

Y-E-S. "Decalcify calcium ducts?" Well, give me a "Y." Give me a-- Hey. All I have to type is "Y." Hey, Miss Doesn't Find Me Attractive Sexually Anymore. I just tripled my productivity. Good. Good for you.

Homie, would you clean her off? Can do! Laddie! Come here, boy! Who wants to lick a messy baby? Laddie?

This is my wife, Marge. Hello. And our beautiful baby. My daughter Lisa-- I.Q. 156. Hi. See? And my son Bart. He owns a factory downtown. H-How do you do? Homer, I'm late for my night job at the foundry, so if you don't mind telling me--

To plead "not guilty," press one now. Thank you. Your plea has been-- Rejected. You will be assessed the full fine plus a small-- Large lateness penalty. Please wait by your vehicle between 9:00 a.m. and 5:00 p.m... for parking officer Steve-- Grabowski.

Guys, I'd like you to meet Artie Ziff. Hello, handsome! Hello! Losers.

And that man waving from the front of the float... is his son, Roger Myers jr. Oh, isn't this just the most fun you've ever had in your life, Dave? Yes, Suzanne. It is.

Lindsay Neagle, Advanced Capital Ventures. Oh, what do you produce? Synergy, and books on how to cheat at bridge.

I failed you as a husband and a provider. And at best I was a B-plus dog. I'll understand if you want to sleep on the couch tonight.

Hey, Abe, you want to hook up after the show? Yeah! To a suicide machine! Aha-ha-ha.

The toppings contain potassium benzoate.

This job sure is easy. Now to press this button.

They're so big...

Yes. I'll call Security. Listen, Mr. Big Shot if you're looking for the kind of employee who takes abuse and never sticks up for himself I'm your man! Treat me like dirt-- I'll still kiss your butt and call it ice cream! If you don't like it, I can change! Hold the phone, Smithers.

HmM. Homer, no! Oooh!

Today was the unveiling of the new Krusty stamp. Postal patrons were asked to choose between two competing designs-- one of Krusty's heartwarming smile, and one of his fiery death. By a nearly two-tO-One vote, the smiling Krusty was chosen.

You don't have the intelligence to rig an election by yourself, do you? You were just Barlow's lackey! You were Ronnie to his Nancy! Sonny to his Cher! Ringo to his rest of the Beatles! Enough! Lies, lies, lies! I did it! I did it all!

Huh? What? What? Huh? You're a member of the Stonecutters, Grampa? Oh, sure. Let's see. Mmm-- I'm an Elk, a Mason, a Communist-- I'm the president of the Gay and Lesbian Alliance for some reason. Ah, here it is. The Stonecutters.

Look. He's fitting right now.

Mmm, this really hits the spot. Doesn't it, though ? You make really good lemonade, Scratchy. Thank you, Itchy.

Ooh! Morlocks. C.H.U.D.'s. Mole people! There is no escape from the fortress of the moles! Oh, except that.

It's almost as if you're wearing a football helmet inside your own head. Why, I could wallop you all day with this surgical two-by-four without ever knocking you down. But I have other appointments. All right, Homer. Let's see the left.

"Barnacle Bill's Home Pregnancy Test"? Homer, shouldn't we have gone with a better-known brand? But, Marge, this one came with a free corncob pipe. Okay, let's see. "Ahoy, mateys. "If the water turns blue, a baby for you.

Dad, it's a blackout.

I die A little Every time we say good-bye I wonder why a little Every time we say Good-bye Good-bye.

Lisa, her teeth are big and green Lisa, she smells like gasoline Lisa, da-da-da Disa she is my sist-a her birthday, I missed-a. Uh, no. Bart, we've got to get to your real feelings about your sister.

Shred it! Shred it! Extra gloves. Extra gloves. Mushroom bonus. Reload.

(SIGHS) I really don't care anymore. All useless. The credits really have to go this long?

And believe me, this is not a dream.

Oh, that's good. That's good, 'cause I want trouble. Then we're agreed. There'll be trouble. Oh, yeah! Lots of trouble. - Trouble it is! - For you. D'oh!

Uh, Mr. President, sir, people are becoming a bit confused... by the way you and your opponent are, well, constantly holding hands. We are merely exchanging long protein strings. If you can think of a simpler way, I'd like to hear it.

It hurts! It hurts! Owee! Owee! Owee! Ow! Mm-hmm. Young man, this stress fracture... will require you to be in a cast for six weeks.

But, Homer, it's 10:00 in the morning. Don't worry. I have a plan. I saw this in a movie about a bus that had to speed around the city... keeping its speed over 50. And if its speed dropped, it would explode. I think it was called The Bus that Couldn't Slow Down.

Hmm. This is all because of Homer Simpson.

All right. Time to throw in the Butterfingers. Hmm. It's not even singed. Even the fire doesn't want them.

That's it... Come closer. Ironic, isn't it? The hunter has become the hunted. Oh, God, Smithers I feel so alive! You the boss? Yes. I'll call Security.

What are you gonna do, Mr. Simpson? Actually, I've been working on a plan. During the exam, I'll hide under some coats... and hope that somehow everything will work out.

Sugar ? Yes. Ten, please. Hey, Grampa, top me off. Are you sure your mom lets you kids drink coffee ? For the last time, yes ! Come on ! Give up ! Huh ? Doh !

I only sell Smooshies now. Squishees reminded me of my misdeeds. My Smooshie tastes like a shopping bag. Mine tastes like dog fur! Yes, but look at the deliveryman. He-- He is hideous. Ooh, a challenge!

Oh, no. It's Dad. What's going on? And I want a nongay explanation! Uh, we're drunk. Really drunk. Oh, thank God!

Now, here's one of our favorite Duff beer commercials... from the early 1950s. Only Duff fills your "Q" zone... with pure beer goodness. So drink up... and up... and up!

Barney, where's your cummerbund? It fell in the toilet.

and he looks just like him too. Yeah, he was my manager. Back when I was Gorgeous, everybody wanted a piece of me. But, somehow, I just never made it to the big time. Why not? 'Cause I got knocked out 40 times in a row. That, plus politics. You know, it's all politics. Lousy Democrats.

Will the Simpsons be attending our little retreat ? Oh, well, it's very tempting. Really, a wonderful idea. Marge ! Whoa ! What are you doing ? Are you insane ? No ! Give me the pencil ! We'll be there. Doh !

Why, you little--

Hey, mister. Yes? On the plane I'm gonna need two seats-- for the twins. The Simpsons are going to Africa. Yea!

Here's the mail, Dad. That'll be three dollars for on-couch delivery. And three makes three. This isn't real money. It's printed by the Montana Militia. It'll be real soon enough.

Bart, what were you doing outside? I don't know how to tell you this, but...

This past summer, all of America was trying to solve the mystery... of "Who Shot Mr. Burns?"

Ruff! Rough? I don't know. You've been pitchin' that all night. Chewy? Chewy! That's inspired!

She's no hoochie! Her name is Zelda, and she understands me. Grampa, I gotta tell ya. She's a stone-cold hoochie. Straight up, Marge.

oh, here's A merry Sleigh jingling, jingling jingling, jingling santa's on his way be good, be good the way you know you should he's got some toys for girls and boys who promiSe to be good got A bike For Billy and A doll For Jane

No, no. Stop it. Stop it. You'll enrage the beast! No pictures. You're driving him mad! Aah! Stop it! You're blinding me! Oh. Oh! I can't see.

Let's come to our senses, everyone. This witch hunt is turning into a circus. She's the witch! I was just about to accuse her. This is crazy. I'm not a witch! Ha! Then how come your laundry is always much whiter than mine? I've heard enough. Burn her!

Well, Seymour, it seems we put together... a baseball team, and I was wondering-- Who's on first? Yes. Not the pronoun, but rather a player... with the unlikely name of Who is on first. Yes. Well, that's just great, Seymour.

We may never find you and we should probably all stop looking. But one thing's for sure, you do exist. Strong words. Strong, bewildering words. Also, we want to thank the whole town for their generosity. Hey, look. It's little Bart's fire truck.

Uh, purpose of visit? Oh, you're gonna love it in Cuba, Marge. There's shredded pork everywhere! It's carne de burro. Nice to meet you.

- Yo! Doctor "S." Have you seen Milhouse today? - No. - Okay. Thanks. - Wait. Did you know that there's a direct correlation... between the decline of Spirograph and the rise in gang activity? - Think about it. - I will. No, you won't.

Oh, look, Bart. Now you got Maggie all upset. Relax. I'll give her some ice cream.

Mmm! Free goo. Hey! Don't bogart that Squishy!

Well, we did build this spaceship, you know. Anyone from a species... that has mastered intergalactic travel, raise your hand. All right, then. Sorry. Your game is very nice.

Lisa made me with a witch's spell! It's called Wicca, and it's empowering! Wicca's a Hollywood fad! That's Kabbalah, jerk! (GRUNTING) Stupid kids ruin everything!

I'll need your name, measurements, and turn-ons.

9-1-1. This better be good. I cut off my husband's thumb. Attempted murder? You'll burn for this-- burn in jail! It was an accident! Yeah, yeah. Save it for Dateline Tuesday. Uh, what's your address so I can come arrest you? Arrest me? Um, my address,

Maybe it's time to quit the game. Amateurs! Huh? Dad? That's right. You don't smoke a pipe. That's right. How'd you get wise to us?

Hey, you! Join the navy! Uh, yeah, all right. I'm in. Well, now that you know, Lisa, I'm afraid I can't let you leave. Oh.

I am talking to the collection-money thief! Only you can come forward and end this injustice! Oh, what the heck. It was jessica Lovejoy! If you search her room, I am certain you will find the money!

Oof ! Ow, ow ! Ah ! Oh ! Ah ! Oh ! Eee ! Ow ! Oh ! Doh ! Doh ! Oh ! Ah ! Ah ! Ooh ! Ow !

Take this object. But beware-- it carries a terrible curse. Ooh, that's bad. But it comes with a free frogurt. That's good. The frogurt is also cursed. That's bad. But you get your choice of topping. That's good! The toppings contain potassium benzoate.

my wrist sounds like a cement mixer. Ow! Come on, Seymour. - Mau! Didi mau! - Ow! I told you no one can climb a rope. It's physically impossible. What part of didi mau don't you understand?

That wasn't so bad. Huh? Ow! Ow! Ow! So, you like doughnuts, eh? - Uh-huh. - Well, have all the doughnuts in the world!

but for some reason, you can't slap 'em. Now apologize to that boy right now. Sorry, man. It's cool.

Put me down! Ganesh commands you!

Mmm, chocolate. D'oh! Mmm, chocolate. D'oh! Marge, we need some more vanilla, chocolate and strawberry ice cream. I'll get some at the store tomorrow, Homer. Mmm, chocolate.

One hundred dollars.

Good-bye ! Good-bye, everybody ! Bye ! Yea ! Maggie, wanna watch the Happy Little Elves again ? Okay, but you have to untie me First. Oh, Homer !

Can I play the piano anymore Of course you can Well, I couldn't before Dr. Zaius, Dr. Zaius This play has everything. Oh, I love legitimate theater.

So, Bart, how are you feeling? Can't complain. Well, then, you're ready for your makeup test.

This Civil War cannon has been fully restored... and is in ready-to-fire condition. But it's a good thing we're not firing it, because it happens to be aimed at the main support leg of that lookout tower. People don't realize that these cannons are very sensitive,

Even the microfilm? Even the microfiche. My family never talks about library standards. And every time I try to steer the conversation that way, they make me feel like a nerd. We are hardly nerds. Would a nerd wear such an irreverent sweatshirt?

There haven't been any ominous signs. (GROWLING) Follow me. (SCREAMS) It's just not working out, Barry. Yeah, I guess I better study for the police exam again. Good luck. You, too.

Oh, my God! Damn you, snow!

I can't believe we paid to see a band... with Steve Guttenberg, Calista Flockhart, and Farty the Crippled Robot. Look who's in my fart-- O.J. I'm gonna kill you all. Aaah. Aaah. Aaah.

How did a lion get rich ? Oh. It was the olden days !

Sure-- moe. Eeny, meeny, miney, moe.

Springtime fresh, winter white. What could be better? Oh, man, I really gotta-- NO-O-o!

Dr. Zaius, Dr. Zaius Dr. Zaius, Dr. Zaius Dr. Zaius, Dr. Zaius oh, Dr. Zaius Dr. Zaius, Dr. Zaius

Noooo! Noooo! Noooo!

That horoscope was baloney. Nothing happened except for... the pickax in my head, the rattlesnake bite and the testicle thing.

Wait a minute. We can just shut off the power! No such luck. It's solar-powered. Solar power. When will people learn? A solar eclipse. The cosmic ballet goes on. Does anyone want to switch seats?

It's mostly snouts and entrails. Mmm... snouts.

in a variety of sexually explicit positions. What? Oh. Hey! It's not really me. I used a stunt butt. Krusty, we're from the network. We have some bad news. I'm afraid your show's been canceled. I thought this would happen. I just hope you replace me with something as educational... and uplifting as I tried to be.

- That's Homer Simpson. - Hey, that's Homer Simpson! Your catchphrase is hysterical. Please say it clearly for my answering machine tape. Uh-oh, SpaghettiOs. Worst... reading... ever.

I've been waiting for you. Come in, my captivating one.

(LASER SHOTS FIRED) (GIRLS SCREAMING) What should we click on next? JIMBO: "Boxer shot by wife"? "Beauty pageant diarrhea"? KEARNEY: Here's a new one. "Big-ass Baryshnikov." (CLICKING) (GRUNTING)

(SUCKLING) That's it, kids. Suckle daddy's sugar ball.

Uh, I should go. What's the matter, Pop? Don't you love me anymore? Oh.

Someone is charging room service to the company, sir. Well, we'll just see about that. Fly, my pretties, fly! Continue the research.

Dee-dee-dee Dee-dee-dee May your Christmas days be nice Good night, my little pork chop.

I didn't dream anything about an aqua suit... or a lavender shirt, but you did take care of Mom. A dagger! A dagger through my heart! Here, Mother. Let me help you. Get your hands off me! - Please, Mom. - You too, stranger! I'm your son. I have no son.

If you want to make fun of my legendary love of cashews-- you have at it. Uh-huh. All right. Uh, how many times a day do you go to the can? Oh, about 40, I suppose. When are we going on the air? We're on the air now, Skeletor. What? Question two: How long is your wiener? Seriously. Great heavens! What kind of Radiola show is this?

Can it outrun The Flash? You bet. Can Superman outrun The Flash?

I wish I were dead.

Tomorrow night at 8:00, you go down to the waterfront, and you steal my car. What about the cops? That's the beauty part. Every cop in town's gonna be on the police department's Moonlight Charity Cruise, and I'm gonna be right there with 'em.

Then this'll all be new to ya.

South of the border down mexico way that's where I fell in love when stars above CaMe out to play and now AS i wander

Hey, Homie, did you try the punch ? Snap out of it, Marge. You've gotta come with me. The boss is going to make a toast. Well, I'm not much of a drinker. Why, you picked a perfect time to start.

From this day forward, I vow to live life to its fullest. Strike ! That's three in a row. Let's see that one again. The throw. There it is. Here it comes. Note the excellent wrist-- just about to go in the gutter, and then a nice spin.

Good morning, fellow employee. You'll notice that I am now a model worker. We should continue this conversation later, during a designated break period. Sincerely, Homer Simpson.

But we lost the Olympics to Shelbyville. Yeah, but I should have no problem selling a thousand springs. To who? Idiots. Ooh! These are fun. Oh, Rhett! Rhett! Oh, Rhett. Where will I go?

You knocked his block off! Come with me.

Thirty-eight, 39, 40 quarters. This better be good. Game over. Please deposit 40 quarters. What a rip! Thank God it's Friday.

Don't be the boy. Don't be the boy. D'oh! I just want the whole world to know that this was a really crappy camp. Can I say "crappy" on TV? Yes, on this network, you can.

Oh, we're all out, Homer. Doh ! Would you like some fruit juice ? Don't toy with me, woman. I couldn't help overhearing, Simpson.

Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!

Insert the retractor... and crank it until the ribs swing open like a rusty drawbridge. Ah! No! Blood! Ugh! Next, make an incision in the coronary artery-- And we are back with more of People Who Look Like Things.

but I don't like the word "boss." Look at my feet. Okay. You like those moccasins? Look in your closet. There's a pair for you. Don't like 'em? Then neither do I! Get the hell outta here! Ha! - Ever seen a guy say good-bye to a shoe? - Yes, once.

All right! All right! That's it! We're goin' home. I'm sick of you and your stupid tonic! If I hadn't taken that stupid tonic 38 years ago, you'd have never been born and I'd have been happy. You were an accident! Get out. I'm sorry I said that.

"Follow... the--"

What'll it be, boys? Just three X's for me. Give me five. This ain't no five-X whiskey. I can still see. That barkeep's a no-good cheat! Cheat?

I can still feel it searing. So, let's just see what the permanent record has to say. No detention, fairly good attendance... I see you beat that bed-wetting problem. That's in there? Don't worry. They'll forget...

We're all gonna die!

Uh, yes. I see that it's in bill form. Excellent. I'd like to buy 500 shares of Animotion, Incorporated. Okay. Uh, now, before I execute this order, are you sure you understand the risks of stock ownership?

Seymour! Mother. Superintendent Chalmers! Skinner! What I wouldn't give for something... to interrupt this awkward moment. That'll do nicely.

How can you vote for Burns's movie? Let's just say it moved me... to a bigger house! Oops. I said the quiet part loud and the loud part quiet. Oh, dear.

If I could walk with the animals Talk with the animals Grunt and squeak and squawk with the animals Good Lord! Doctor Doolittle is Chief Wiggum. This bird's gonna fly! Aaah!

Max power he's the man whose name you'd love to touch but you mustn't touCh his name sounds good in your ear

Here's a check for $106,000, "to enjoy as you see fit." - Oh, I'm touched. - $106,000 ? Ta-ta, Mr. Simpson. By the way, old-timer. I do wills. Why don't I just give you this pen with my phone number on it ? It looks just like a cigar. Isn't that something ?

All right! Here comes the implosion. "Implosion"? But I thought you said-- Hockey puck!

Congratulations! David Crosby, you're my hero! Oh, you like my music? You're a musician?

It made me angry, Jerry. Angry and tired. Well, you're about to get a whole lot angrier...

It's the Krusty Komedy Klassic. Hey, hey! It's great to be back at the Apollo Theater and-- "K.K.K."? That's not good. Oh! Ah! Oh! What? Hey! Oh!

Surely there's no harm... in laying in the middle of a public street.

It's a glandular problem! Ooh! Morlocks. C.H.U.D.'s. Mole people! There is no escape from the fortress of the moles! Oh, except that.

Could I turn on the radio?

Ah, Moe! We were saved by a sissy. Yeah. Yeah. We'll never live it down. Ah, boy. It looks like it's suicide again for me. Hey, we owe this guy. And I don't want you calling him a sissy. This guy's a fruit. And a-- No. Wait, wait, wait. Queer. Queer. Queer.

Homer, I bought you the damn chair. Get out of here. Go on, that's enough. Get out of here.

Raindrops keep fallin' on my head but that doesn't mean my eyes Will soon be turning Red

Good grief. This candy's terrible!

Don't worry about it.

Hey, get away from that! Leave him alone! It said I was gay! You all right, Grampa? Oh, daiSy, dais--

Whee, I'm Dick Tracy! Bam! Take that, Prune Face! Now I'm Prune Face! Take that, Dick Tracy! Now I'm Prune Tracy! Take that, Dick-- Ned, stop it at once! Stop it!

I'm covered in the dust of the Leader. He favors me! I am even dustier. Dustier than thou!

Well, just a little one.

Oh, no, you don't. Oh, yes, I do. Oh, yeah? Eat my dust! - Wow. Someone sure likes his kidney mush. - Damn right.

Question mark. Smiley face. Next. Wait a minute. It says here you're single. Did I do wrong?

but it's my responsibility to teach you this. Today's topic will be "hell." Oh ! All right ! I've sat through "mercy" and I've sat through "forgiveness." Finally, we get to the good stuff. Oh, hell is a terrible place ! Maggots are your sheet, worms your blanket. There's a lake of fire burning with sulphur.

It's made you weak as a kitten. Look! Hey, come on. Quit it. Coochy coochy coo! Stop. Please stop. Oh, you swing like a girl. Come on, now. Please have mercy. Got your nose. Not funny. How 'bout this little bee?

Is there no place for the man with the 105 I.Q.?

Sunshine on my shoulders MAkeS me Happy Homer, my hat goes off to you.

I move for a bad court thingy. You mean a mistrial? Yeah. That's why you're the judge, and I'm the law-talkin' guy. The lawyer. Right. The foreman will pass the verdict to the bailiff.

Thinks he's some big stupid Homer. Oh, man. I'll show him. He thinks he's so big.

Ma'am, would you be interested in changing your long distance service, if-- What th-- She hung up on me. What did I do?

I know you are, but what am I?

No. I-- I-- I mean just the Flanders family. Oh, okay. Oh, boy! Grandma!

I should probably go home sick. Mmm-- Hmm. Mm-hmm. Mmm... hmm. You new? Yes. My name is Frank Grimes.

"Canned and frozen juices are more popular than ever these days. "But most bachelors we know would "prefer to squeeze their own tomatoes." (LAUGHING) Bachelors are always squeezing stuff. Would you excuse us, Milton? It's Milhouse.

Miss Hoover? That is hard to believe. Oh, you. I'm here to answer any questions you children have about the monorail. - Me! - Me! Can it outrun The Flash? You bet. Can Superman outrun The Flash? Uh, sure. Why not? Hello, little girl. Wondering if your dolly can ride the monorail for free?

Lisa, if you don't like your Job, you don't strike. You just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That's the American way.

No! She's mine! Oh, my Lord! Hey! Wha-- Wha-- Wha-- What's happening to me? People can see up my bustle! Hey, stop squirming.

Make way for Willie! I said make way for Willie, ya bloated gasbag!

Don't. No. Get out. Get out of here. Get your hands off.

Leonard Nimoy? What are you doing here? Wherever there is mystery and the unexplained, cosmic forces shall draw me near. Uh-huh. Hey, Spock! What do you want on your hot dog? Surprise me. Take a look at this, Lisa. You don't see any "Homer Is A Dope" T-shirts, do you?

But I'll pass your file along to-- Brown. Mmm. Heck of a school. Weren't you at Brown, Otto? Yep. Almost got tenure too. No! Not Brown! Brown. Brown. Brown. Lisa, you're saying "Brown" an awful lot. Are you okay?

Oh, I'll stay away from your son, all right. Stay away... forever. Oh, no! Wait a minute. That's no good.

Always too busy stridin' about his atom mill to call his own mother. I'll give him what for till he cries brassafrax!

Huh. No harm done.

FEMALE SINGER: So deep in my heart You're really a part of me

Cheat? Eh-- All right. We've all got derringers. Now let's just put 'em away. Nobody here is a cheat. Cheat? Aw, geez.

They say this cat Shaft's a bad mother-- Shut your mouth ! But I'm talkin' about Shaft. Then I can dig it. He's a complicated man But no one understands him but his woman John Shaft.

What's it like, Bart? Bart? Bart? Give me that! Okay. We're young, rich and full of sugar. What'll we do? Let's go crazy Broadway-style! Yeah!

Come on, honey. Smile! I bet you've got a beautiful smile. Why don't you share it with the world? There is no God! Fellow workers, I've been meeting with Mr. Burns day and night, and I've had enough.

And that's the end of that Or is it I guess I'll keep singing My cell phone appears to be ringing Hey! Barney, did you ever notice how hard it is to drive with your knees? Why don't you get one of those hands-free phones? It's the next best thing to paying attention to the road.

Good morning, sir. Care for some coffee? No. The promise of a new day is more than enough exhilaration for me.

Excuse me. I've been researching indigenous folk music of Springfield, and I couldn't help overhearing your delightfully cruel hate song. David Byrne? Singer, artist, composer, director, Talking Head-- And I used to wrestle under the name El Diablo. I thought that was Philip Glass.

Here's your quote. "Thomas Pynchon loved this book "almost as much as he loves cameras." Hey, over here! Have your picture taken with a reclusive author. Today only, we'll throw in a free autograph. But wait! There's more! Hello, this is Tom Clancy.

And when it's time to do the dishes, where's Ray Bolger? I'll tell ya. Ray Bolger is lookin' out for Ray Bolger!

Oh, glory of glories! Oh, heavenly testament to the eternal majesty of God's creation! Holy macaroni!

And the number one reference that I am running into the ground is... Homer simpson. Ay, ay, es Homer Simpson. Me ha molestado. ¡Oh!

Two plus two is four. Two plus two is four.

Samantha, I've always been suspicious of transfer students.

Prove me wrong, kids. Prove me wrong.

I've sold monorails to Brockway, Ogdenville and North Haverbrook. Is there a chance the track could bend? I call the big one Bitey. I've sold monorails to Brockway, Ogdenville and North Haverbrook. Is there a chance the track could bend? I call the big one Bitey.

One man, he resist Hello, Springfield! It's me-- Homer! What the bloody hell? Quiet, you. I know you youngsters want to see these rockin' rockers, but I also know you care about the race for sanitation commissioner.

Mr. Burns, we've got witnesses, precedent and a paper trail a mile long. Yes, well, I have 10 high-priced lawyers. He left his briefcase. Hey! It's full of shredded newspapers. Well, I guess that's it.

Here we are. 123 Fake Street. The home of Knifey Wifey. Hey, Chief, can I hold my gun sideways? It looks so cool. Ah, sure. Whatever you want, birthday boy.

And the Red queen's

Bart, did you take out the garbage like I asked? Indeed I did. D'oh! Hey, you goats get out of here!

Frankly, I'll be quite relieved when we get back to England, and we won't have to deal with them. Are you saying we won't see my family again? Well, possibly your mother will come when the children are born. I can't believe I'm hearing this! - I don't want to cut my family out of my life! - Really?

Where is that stinkin' monkey? It's about time. Give me those reviews. "Last night's comedy benefit delivered wall-to-wall laughs without exception." Phew. "The only exception was the embarrassingly dated humor... of Springfield's green-haired, red-nosed hack--"

Oh! YOu-- Stop! Don't recycle! It's murder! You're helping Mr. Burns!

Hello, Mrs. Simpson. I'm afraid there's been... - a very disturbing incident at school today. - I'm outta here. Homer, Principal Skinner is here. Hello, Principal Skinner. I'd get up, but the boy crippled me. Mm-hmm. I understand completely. The disturbing incident I was referring to happened this morning... when your son flushed an explosive device down the boys' lavatory. That ol' gag.

Come back ! Your hat ! You're supposed to eat breakfast ! Wear your galoshes ! Cowabunga !

A turkey is a bad person. KFSL-- Fossil 103. Classic hits from ABBA to Zeppelin, comma, Led. we are winners and losers Tell him! Uh, Mr. Simpson, sir?

I see. Do you have receipt, quote, unquote "sir"? No, I do not have a receipt. I won it as a door prize at the Star Trek convention, although I find their choice of prize highly illogical, as the average Trekker has no use for a medium-sized belt. Whoa, whoa. A fat, sarcastic Star Trek fan.

Mr. Burns, as we're running long, may we skip your speech and go directly to the questions? Mr. Burns, a two-part question.

Oh, I love-- Moral whuzzah? An A-plus! How did you do it? Oh, let's just say I had help from a little magic box. You changed your grade with a computer? D'oh! Way to go, Dad! The important thing is that we all learned a lesson.

I'm telling you, Cecil, I can't take much more of this! Rustic workmen who have turned the Sanijohn into a smokehouse. Coveralls that don't quite cover all. And a psychotic little boy who will not stop hounding me! This little boy right here! Sometimes I wish this dam would burst...

We take 18 ounces of sizzling ground beef and soak it in rich creamery butter. Then we top it off with bacon, ham, and a fried egg. We call it the Good Morning Burger. I've got to help him.

Well, good night, Son. Um, Dad? Yeah? What is the mind? Is it just a system of impulses,

So long, su-- Aah!

Happy New-- Wha-- Oh, no. It's happening.

And I’ve gotta put up the storm windows. Winter's coming.

Maybe I should have taken a nice calligraphy class. Oh, forget about it. That Mr. Takahashi's a lunatic. Quiet! Sorry.

Tappa-tappa-tappa, tappa-tappa-tappa. Oh. Whoa! Ow! Sorry. The floor's kind of at an angle here. I'm gonna move over there. Okay. From tappa-tappa-tappa.

I know what you're up to, Mayor "Terwigager." And no one in my family's gonna stand for it. Move your goddurn house, Son!

Tonight Chloe interviews Bob Dylan. So, Bob, what religion are you converting to now? Hey, I'll tell you one thing...

Oh, Lisa, you saved me! And after all the bad things I said about you. What bad things? Why?

Sammy, you're too old to go on a date with two twins...

By gum, it worked. I've awakened in the future. "Moon Pie." What a time to be alive. Hey, who unplugged my freezer? Return to your state of living death at once, sir.

So, any idea where this bastard lives ? Bart ! His parents aren't married, are they ? It's the correct word, isn't it ? - I guess he's got us there. - Hmm ! Bastard, bastard, bastard Bart ! Bart ! Bart ! Bastard, bastard, bastard "2148." This is it.

Hi, I'm Troy McClure. You may remember me from such TV spin-offs as Son of Sanford and Son and After Mannix. I'm here at the Museum of TV and Television... with a real treat for Simpsons fans, if any, because tonight we present The Simpsons Spin-Off Showcase.

Krusty the Clown, how do you plead ? I plead guilty, Your Honor. Oh. I mean, not guilty. Opening night jitters, Your Honor.

No, wait. We got a hundred bucks each. Hang on. Thank you. No shoving. That's right. Put your money in here. All of it. Is that everyone? What's your problem, sport? Afraid to be rich?

This meatball soup is delicious, Stimpy. That's not meatball soup. That's my collection of fur balls in stomach acid. You idiot! You're trying to kill me, man!

Hmm. Pablo Neruda said laughter is the language of the soul. I am familiar with the works of Pablo Neruda.

All right, old Gil's gonna collect big from insurance.

Here's our room. Homer, you're supposed to slide those doors open. I don't have time for that. Welcome. I am honored to accept your waste.

You see, boy? The real money's in bootlegging, not in your childish vandalism. Oh. So many wasted nights. What's the matter, Chief? Yeah. You've barely touched your Banana Kaboom.

Please, Krusty. No jokes. Who's joking? Oh, I don't know what you're saying. It all sounds so crazy to me. It simply means we'll be taking part of your salary... until your debt is repaid. Say, 75% for 40 years. But I don't plan to live that long. Oh, better make it 95%. Oy.

I learned to read because of you, Principal Skinner. Sir, I baked you these raisin roundies. Principal Skinner, I got carsick in your office.

Homer, Cathy is a woman.

Huh? We're shutting you down. Not a chance. No one can silence me but me! That arranged can be. Wha--

Let's see. Where is that map? Evergreen Terrace. There it is-- F-5.

This tank is releasing the full potential of my brain. Ooh, ee, ooh, ah-ah Ting, Tang, walla-walla bing-baNg ooh, ee, ooh, ah-ah walla, bing-bang ting-ting too

Bart! How many times have I told you not to bite your sist-- Wait a minute! You are a vampire!

And the number one reference that I am running into the ground is... Homer simpson. Ay, ay, es Homer Simpson. Me ha molestado. ¡Oh!

Mmm! I-- Ugh! I pickled the figs myself.

Homer, we're out of vodka.

D'oh. Sugar do-do-do-do do-do aw, honey, honey do-do-do-do do-do You are my caNdy-- Lousy piece of junk!

I love this book, Marge. Very psychological. Dr. Marvin Monroe? I haven't seen you in years! Oh, I've been very sick.

What’s this? "Extremely high voltage." Well, I dont need safety gloves because I'm Homer Simp-

Oh, thank you, Homie. A Lady Remington.

- Ow! - Oh, the devil has given him superhuman strength. Give me that, you noodle-armed choir boy! Ow! Well, that didn't do it, Mr. Kilt.

Ohh. My life can't get any worse. - Homer Simpson, report for much worse duties. - D'oh! Ow! Ow! After lunch, can I whip you? Nope. Aw, no fair. Ow! Hmm. I wonder what makes it turn. Who cares?

What would my parents think of me now? Make us proud, Son. Never forget who you are. Don't make the same mistake I did.

I think I come off very well. Monster! Run, children! Apu Nahasapeemapetilon, you have disgraced the Kwik-E-Mart corporation. But, sir, I was only following standard procedure. Ah, true. But it's also standard procedure... to blame any problems on a scapegoat or sacrificial lamb.

Hello! And the next marksman is William Tell, jr.! Jinx! Bart! Oh, I see Bart gets to have a gun.

Well, maybe you'd get promoted if you worked a little harder. Are you kidding? I work like a japanese beaver. Oh, really? I came to see you three times today. Twice you were sleeping and once you were kicking that ball of electrical tape around. Well, I won't sleep in the same bed with a woman who thinks I'm lazy.

Now, when I say, "Hello, Mr. Thompson"... and press down on your foot, you smile and nod. No problem. Hello, Mr. Thompson.

Oh, it's the four elephants of the Apocalypse. That's horsemen, Ned. Well, getting closer. Mom, Dad, Bart and Stampy are gone! Oh, my Lord! I bet it's because of that horrible ivory dealer, Dad.

Time to go to Duff Gardens! Oh, great. Dad's dead. Have you been eating that sandwich again? Sandwich.

could be alive today to see this wonderful turnout. You know, on the series, we were always trying to kill the Cartwrights. But it looks like Father Time took care of that for us, right? Am I right, folks?

Maybe the drawings were a little crude, but all the characters were there. Itchy and Scratchy, Grampa Simpson... and Krusty the Clown. When we return, more classic moments--

Alouette, gentille Alouette Alouette, je te plumerai Bien. I can't believe it. It's sticking.

Cowabunga, dudes.

You really should've voted, Homer. It wouldn't have made a difference. Lights out, you punk kids! Yea! We took back the night! Hey, fellas! Hey, you wanna stop with the kicking?

Oh! Dear God, no!

Ten, ha-ya-yah. Uh! And nine, ha-ya-yah. Uh!

You’re Baby Stink Breath! You’re Baby Stink Breath! En francais. Vous étes i 'entant Stink Breath!

Quittin' time. Let's go, Homer. We're stopping at Moe's for a Zima. Maybe I'll just stay and work overtime. My sisters-in-law are at my house again. Homer, quit wallowing in self-pity. Pull yourself together and come get drunk with us.

Somewhere in this windy valley is the Lost Dutchman's Mine.

Yeah, forget the doughnuts. We're here to go nuts. Musically, that is. What kind of song should we play? Something that swings with the beat of New Orleans. No. Something that rocks. That's the sound of today. - Swings! - Rocks! Swings! Swings! - Rocks! - Rocks!

I've learned my lesson. I've learned my lesson.

Oh, what's the use in hiding? I gotta go back to Springfield and face the music.

So say a bittersweet farewell to such old friends as mud pies, Bite 'Ems, Éclairios, Chew 'ems, Kellogg's All-Fudge, Big Red Snack Foam, Milk Chuds, Eat 'Ems. And all sugar pills will be changed back to highly concentrated opiates.

Very well. We will now hear suggestions for the, uh, disbursement of the, uh, two million dollars. Don't you mean three million dollars? Of course. How silly of me. You know, a town with money's a little like the mule with a spinning wheel. No one knows how he got it, and danged if he knows how to use it.

We'll be with you in a minute, kids. This could be our ticket out of here, Mel.

Nerd! Homer-- That isn't very nice.

Hey, this says we should feed him lots of eggs and olive oil to ensure a glossy coat. Oh, yeah. A dog like this you have to feed every day. He's trained to do all sorts of stuff. He can herd sheep and perform C.P.R. "Some call it the dog that never sleeps, though it actually does while jogging."

Just like Cinderella The prince solved the mystery Well, I conducted the test myself And that slip looks just the right size for me Well, I like that girl

- Better or worse? - Worse! - Better or worse? - Much better! Lisa, no!

Oh, look at that show-off, kissing his own muscles. Boo ! Boo ! Rasputin is spinning the professor like an auto gyro. That's got to be disorienting. Hey, Milhouse, crank it up.

I believe Freddy Quimby should walk out of here a free hotel.

"Look at me. I'm a grad student. I'm 30 years old, "and I made $600 last year." Bart, don't make fun of grad students. They just made a terrible life choice.

Greetings, good man. Might I trouble you for a drink? Oh, get outta here, Homer. Homer? Who is Homer? My name is Guy incognito.

I'm on the highway to hell on the highway to hell highway to hell I'm on the highway to hell

Now let's forget our troubles with a big bowl of strawberry ice cream.

Dear God, it's Homer. If you really love me, you'll save my life now. D'oh!

(SPEAKING IN MANDARIN) Wait a second. I've read that you speak excellent English. Shut up, kid. I got a good thing going here.

How are you feelin', big brother?

My purpose in life is to witness this moment. We need the outlet for our rock tumbler. Plug it in! Plug it in! What, the rock tumbler or the TV? The TV! The TV!

Must hurt self. Must hurt self. Must hurt self. D'Oh! Hmm. Probably better that didn't hit me.

If you like great PBS programs... like Do Shut Up and Shut Your Gob, you'll want to support our pledge drive. Pledge drive? That's right, Betty White. Absolutely. If you watch even one second of PBS and don't contribute,

The only other college in 50 miles is Springfield A&M, so they're our best target. Those bastards. Meet Sir Oinkcelot, the beloved mascot of Springfield A&M. Here he is presiding over last year's homecoming. Here he is conferring an honorary degree on Richard Nixon. And here he is rolling in his own filth.

Forty-two bathtubs, please. You know, they're 50 for $3,000 today. I said 42! Now you're making your own alcohol?

We've come for the angel, Homer. It's not safe with the unbeliever. It's gone! We're too late. Little girl, what have you done with our precious angel? Nothing! Someone must have stolen it.

is peanut butter.

Ah, please come in! Maggie smells bad, and the cat wants something, but I don't know what.

Usually the blood gets off at the second floor.

Oh, I'm gonna enjoy this. Don't take out my British charm unit. Yep. Without that, I'm nothing but a boorish American clod. Yeah. Ah, thanks a lot, ass-wipe! I could've kicked your butt from here to Albuquerque, ya fat slime bucket!

Here, Puff! The last bar in Springfield. If they don't let me in here, I'm gonna have to quit drinking. Yea! Shut up, liver! Ow! My liver hurts.

It should be soft and cuddly. Yeah. With lots of firepower.

Yeah, I was gettin' sick of running those unions. So much paperwork. Knock-knock. Excuse me. My friend and I were interested in purchasing quality fireworks. Yes, we are. Why, I'd be delighted to sell you some illegally smuggled goods. Fat Tony, is that you? Fat Tony?

- Yes, sir. - Mm-hmm. Come along. Bye. Be good. We'll miss you.

Well, kids, we all know that sometimes when cartoon characters die, they're back again the very next week.

It's funny 'cause it's true.

This time, why don't you listen to your brain? All right, I will. (UKULELE MUSIC PLAYING) That's why I don't listen to my brain.

But I still stand by my hiring policies. Get back to work, Stewart!

Well, I don't wanna wait another minute to find out whether you love me anymore. I think that you should... - look me in the eyes and find out. - Oh ! Homer, look at me ! All right, all right.

I keep hearing this horrible irregular thumping noise.

Coming soon, it's Truckasaurus: The Movie, starring Marlon Brando as the voice of john Truckasaurus. You crazy car. I don't know whether... to eat you or kiss you. Celebrity voice impersonated.

What the-- You can't open your own bar! Seems to me I already did. But it's illegal! You can't run a bar in a private residence! Bar? I see no bar. This is a hunting club. Which is permitted by state law to serve beverages of a refreshing nature.

I'd say it's awfully cozy.

And who could forget dear Rat Boy? Rat Boy? I resent that. Bart, I told you before. Stop gnawing on the drywall. What a day, eh, Milhouse?

Why..?" It says the little boy who never lost faith in you has lost faith in you. You will go to Bart Simpson's for dinner! But I have plans. Hey! Not the face! Why you maddening, impossible man! If you don't go tonight I won't be here tomorrow. Oh, all right, I'll go.

All right, brain. It's all up to you. If you don't think of what it is, we'll lose Marge forever. Eat the pudding. Eat the pudding-- Eat the pudding. Eat the pudding-- Okay, but then we gotta get to work.

Born mighty big he continued to expand Thanks to a hopped-up pituitary gland Hey! I'll get ya!

I need to send this parcel with the profit projections to Pete Porter in Pasadena, and it absolutely, positively has to be there overnight. Pete Porter. Pass it on. Pasadena. Promptly. Package for parcel processing, pronto. Perk up, Pendergast. Profoundly pressing package of power plant profit projections for Pete Porter in Pasadena. - Priority? - Precisely.

Let's see. Where is that map? Evergreen Terrace. There it is-- F-5.

This is the way we mop the floor, mop the floor mop the floor Oh, must you bray night and day at that infernal television? Oh, look who's talking.

"On this battleground in 1881, 56 Indians lost their lives... and four brave Americans lost their hats." Those poor hats.

And now, to present the award here's former heavyweight champion Smokin' joe Frazier. Webster's Dictionary defines excellence as "the quality or condition of being excellent."

Maggie's teeth are coming in crooked. Has she been sucking on a pacifier? - Uh... not to my knowledge. - Liar!

Because I'm an idiot! Happy?

That's the way, uh-huh, uh-huh I like it, uh-huh, uh-huh Time traveler discount? Come on in! i like it, uh-huh, uh-huh

Look at that pig stuffing his face with doughnuts on my time!

Hey, it's Krusty, all right. Should I shoot him gangland style or execution style? Listen to your heart.

Acid, eh? Gee. That would have been stupid. Boy, would my face have been red.

Don't worry. We get that a lot here. Lou, you can't leave the force. I can change. I just think there's more money in private security. What I'm hearing is "I'm too fat."

Quite impossible. I can try to bat him off if you like.

As for the rest of it, I'm gonna buy the one thing I've been dreaming of... all the years I spent in the gutter: a solid gold house.

who needs the kwik-e-mart not me

Happy birthday to me happy birthday to me happy birthday, overlooked middle child happy birthday to me

Okay. I want pizza, and I want it delivered by Krusty the Clown. Hmm. Hmm. Hey, it's Krusty the Pizza Man! All right. Where's my 400 bucks? Hey, wait. How can you be here when your show's on live?

What was the third thing you said?

What are you here for? My brother just had his appendix out. Is he gonna be okay? Hello, I'm Dr. Cheeks. I'm doin' my rounds, and, uh, I'm a little behind. He'll be fine.

Ha-ha! Ha-ha! I'm afraid we've got no legal recourse against Mr. Burns and his slant-drilling operation. The oil belongs to whoever pumped it first. What about all the expensive stuff we wanted? Can we still have it? No!

I'll take him out, sir. Shake, shake, shake shake, shake, shake Shake, shake, shake His ass is gonna blow!

Orphans lighting candles over a leaking gas line. Lighting candles? No-o-o!

Ah, is that all you got? Huh? Huh? Mmm, fish. Oh, no! That's me! Get me out of here! Get-- Get-- Get out--

Hello, Dean. You're a stupid-head!

Cleanup in all the aisles.

Oh, Lisa. Haven't you seen Home Alone? If some burglars come, it'll be a very humorous and entertaining situation.

Mrs. Krabappel ! Mrs. Krabappel ! Bart, not another word out of you, or I'll subject you to the humiliation... of making you sing in front of the class. Can I pick the song ? No. The song will be "john Henry Was a Steel Drivin' Man."

You promised Mom you wouldn't wear your dress outside.

(ALL GASPING) It was those guys!

That, and getting toasted. Nicely toasted. Homer, I'm sorry. There's nothing worse than a yellow-bellied freak. Unless that's his act. I expect your letter of resignation on my desk. You have a desk? I mean the hood of my car. I'll miss you Pumpkins, but I just can't share your bleak worldview.

Okay, the retest says you're clean. Sorry about the mistake. The only thing I'm high on is love-- love for my son and daughters. Yes, a little L.S.D. is all I need. All right. Sounds very good.

Mom and Dad value us equally and... Ah, you're right. Okay, go ahead. Geronimo! (WHIMPERS) Just forget everything you know about gravity. But I know so much about it. Just do it!

You're pregnant? And then when I told him about Lisa-- You're pregnant again? Well, who wouldn't be upset? That new baby in your mother's womb was a ticking time bomb,

Lucy! You hit her pretty hard there, Rick. Say, folks, what's all the ruckus?

Dude, karma. What? Karma. Karma. Oh, I get it.

Here's an impression of Mr. Burns that you might find a little cheeky. I'm Mr. Burns. Blah, blah, blah. Do this, do that. Blah, blah, blah. I think I'm so big. Blah, blah, blah! Destroy him.

The station's not for sale, Burns. It's been in the same family for generations. Look, I assure you, no sack of money is big enough to change my mind. Now, if... There's more to life than being rich, you know?

Krusty! "To audience, I now proclaim this new burger... for sale!"

They fight, they bite they fight aNd bite and fight fight, fight, fight bite, bite, bite the itchy and scraTchy show

'Cause if you don't, I'll never believe anything you say... ever again.

How you doing out there, New Springfield? To be honest, it's a little chilly-- Oww! Get out of the way, Marge. We were expecting a bigger crowd, Homer. Don't worry. They'll be here. And then they'll see who's got the better town.

Welcome back to the final day of this-- the 23rd Olympiad, brought to you by Krusty Burger. You people are pigs! I personally am gonna spit in every 50th burger. I like those odds. In a moment, we'll look at the courageous Korean gymnast, Kim Huyang,

Bart, what's going on?

Of the skies Hark the Herald Angels sing Glory to the new born King

Good luck, Ralphy. If your nose starts bleeding, it means you're picking it too much. Or not enough.

"I," the income she Will make "T" is For her tooth-filled mouth "T" is For her tooth-filled mouth Coming up next, a new fad that's sweeping the nation-- wasting food.

just-- just go!

Anything to trick my daughter into liking me. Now, if you need to reach me, my e-mail is chunkylover53@aol. Chunky lover 53. - ts one word. - One word. - Chunkylover53. - At AOL. Dot com.

Question one. "Name one of your child's friends." Uh, let's see, Bart's friends. Well, there's the fat kid with the thing. The little wiener who's always got his hands in his pockets. They want a name, not a vague description. Okay. Hank? Hank? Hank who? Hank... Jones. Homer, you made that up.

I-- I-- A... divorce? Sure. Divorce. Hey, you got it, toots! And here's a picture even you can figure out! It's a door! Use it! That's a door?

Can you spare a dime Half a million boots went sloggin' through hell I was the kid With the drum Empty. Bah !

Attention, everyone! l was asked to take a dive, but I wont do it. l-N-T-R-A-N-S-l-G-A-N-C-EI You fool! ts "E-N-C-EH Oh, my God! You’re right! I spelled it wrong. I tried my best, and I failed.

Well done, old man.

Ah, wallet inspector. Oh, here you go. I believe that's all in order. I can't believe that worked! Hey! That's not the wallet inspector.

Namath, you stay. All of those people are cut. Bill Schultz and Wolf and Silverman. Goldreyer. O'Brien, Doyle, Selman, I don't know what you-- Elliott, I-- I don't know what you're doing here because you're all cut. Pietila, Bridge and "Kuwawahawa."

Hi, guys. What ya lookin' at? Uh, I'm just reading up on... artillery. Yes, and I'm pursuing my interest in--

I can't believe it. Jerry Springer didn't solve our conflict. And now he's dead. Anyhoo, this is your last chance. Turn over the baby now.

It's so thick! Your turn, Bart.

Next week on The Simpsons: Don't forget, Dad. Tonight my class is having... an all-you-can-eat spaghetti dinner. Mmm. Spaghetti. But, Homer, tonight's our reception... for Queen Beatrix of the Netherlands. Oh, I hate having two heads.

Look at me. I'm a puffy pink cloud! Oh, well, of course everything looks bad if you remember it.

Compadres, it is imperative that we crush the freedom fighters... before the start of the rainy season. And remember, a shiny new donkey... for whoever brings me the head of Colonel Montoya.

No! No, you’re lying! You’re lying! What makes you lie?

Ow. Hey, when you're done with that, i got something up here you can bite on! Hey, why don't you be polite, you stinkin' pus bag! Pal, you gotta call that number on the boot. Sorry about that guy. They stick all the jerks in Tower One. That's it! I'm comin' over there! Why don't you come over here!

A Nobel Prize winner! An NBA All-Star! Ooh! One of the Sweathogs. I checked. It's not Horshack. Oh. Are you sure you wanna have a baby this way? Yeah. You've had some pretty bad experiences ordering out of catalogs.

So you've got to think of a way I can come home for free. Hmm. You could travel for free if you were a stewardess. Well, how badly do you want to get home? All right, all right. How about a courier? They travel for free too. No, that's a terrier. They're dogs.

ANNOUNCER: This summer, the house is full and the deuces are wild! In Cards! Hey, Jack, you got any twos? You can't handle the twos! Oh, Marge, don't you love it when our hands meet in the popcorn tub?

Happy, Dad ? Yes. Good. Commence shoveling. No. We're going to say grace first. Okay. Rub-a-dub-dub, thanks for the grub. No ! Ignore the boy, Lord. Now, Can the chatter, and bow your heads.

a three-dimensional object known as a cube, or a "Frinkahedron," in honor of its discoverer. Help me! Are you helping me? Or are you going on and on? Oh, right. And, of course, within we find the doomed individual. Enough of your borax, Poindexter! A man's life is at stake! We need action!

Gas, brake, honk. Gas, brake, honk. Honk, honk, punch. Gas, gas, gas.

Wait a minute. Those are yours, sir? Yes. I am in flavor country. Both of them? It's a big country. Ladies, I apologize. And you, sir, are worse than Hitler.

My name is Lisa, Mr. Burns. Lisa Simpson. It doesn't matter what your name is, you idiot. What I want to know is will you help me get my money back? Ha. I'd never help you. You're the worst man in the world. Yes. That's the kind of moxie I'm looking for. - You're hired. - No, I'm not.

It's called McBain: Let's Get Silly. Did you ever notice how men always leave the toilet seat up? That's the joke. You suck, McBain!

where they practice the traditional-- Run, Bart! - Hey. Isn't that Woody Allen? - Hmm. Looks like he's doing a commercial. Oh! Hello. So many rice crackers claim to be low-cal, but only Fujikawa rice crackers make your interiors go bananas.

Where is that dreaded piÑata? Ow! Ow! Ow! Missed me. Heh-heh! Ow! Hmm! Not funny. And the one in my pants really hurts.

Hot! Hot! D'oh! Oh, my God! It's burning up! Beer! Beer! Give me some beer! Homer! You promised you wouldn't drink. But I need it!

And you must be the man who didn't know if he had a pimple or a boil. It was a gummi bear.

- I'm sure you'll be ready someday. - Oh, Lisa.

Ooh! I thought about what you said, honey, and I've decided to quit. Oh, well, fun's over. But I still have my wonderful money. Stick 'em up!

We found a missing Brazilian soccer team working in your reactor core. That plane crashed on my property! Look, Mr. Burns, we want to see some changes. For starters, you can reverse your sexist employment policies and hire at least one woman. All right. I'll bring in a woman. But I still stand by my hiring policies.

You're not just impersonating a pilot so you can drink here, are ya? Yeah. That's exactly why I'm here. You flyboys. You crack me up. But I keep telling ya, I'm not a pilot! And I keep telling you, you flyboys crack me up! Hi, I'm Alan. I'm your copilot.

Pish-posh. It will be like taking candy from a baby.

I meant, I think you should sell your drink and give half the money to Homer. But, honey... He's your friend, Morris and you took advantage of him. All right. All right. I'll split the million with Homer. Jeepers, Mary and joseph! I sleep with a chick once it costs me half a million bananas.

- Ouch! Ouch! - Sit on A tack Pa, can ya help me with my sums? Oh, Bart, you met Grandma Flanders. Hope she didn't scare ya. Hello, Joe!

Get off the stage!

But it says, "Good for one free beer at Moe's." This is Moe's Tavern, isn't it? No, this is... Bo's Cavern. Give me my beer. Stupid Welcome Mobile. I knew it would ruin me!

Whoever you are, I have always depended... on the kindness of strangers.

He used to tune our piano before we got rid of it.

I don't feel right.

Stop everything! I don't remember writing a check for bowling. Sir, that's a check for your boweling. Oh, yes. That's very important. Yes, sir. Remember that month you didn't do it? Yes, that was unpleasant for all concerned. Anyway, back to the checks. Stop everything! I don't remember writing a check for bowling.

Hello, I'm Troy McClure. You might remember me from such films as... The boatjacking of Supership 79... and Hydro: The Man With the Hydraulic Arms. Coming up this hour on the Impulse Buying Network, your chance to own a piece of itchy and Scratchy, the Toontown twosome beloved by everyone-- even cynical members of Generation X.

Well, I guess a little television won't hurt. I used to let the boys watch My Three Sons, but it got 'em all worked up before bedtime. The Itchy & Scratchy Show

Well, it's 1:00. If you wanna keep me, I'm afraid it's gonna be $45 an hour. Nah, that's okay. I'm broke. I'll walk home. Yeah, why spoil a perfect evening ?

I just don't see why one little pill should cost $30. Drugs aren't so expensive in other countries. In other countries, families also lie on the floor and eat bugs. What countries are those? - You ever been to Norway? - No. Well, they do it in Norway. And that's why I personally thank God we pay too much for drugs.

Sir, with all due respect, an old box of cookies is not a legal contract.

Oh, yes, yes. Rabbi Krustofski? What can I do for you, my young friend? We came to talk about your son. I have no son! Great, we came all this way, and it's the wrong guy. I didn't mean that literally!

Mmmwha ! A little predinner entertainment. Moe's Tavern. Is Oliver there ? Who ? Oliver Klozoff. Hold on. I'll check. Oliver Klozoff ! Call for Oliver Klozoff !

Oh! I don't see any ghosts. I did find this Newsweek from 1986. Why America loves Saddam Hussein. (EERIE WHISTLING) That's it!

Okay. You go sit in the sun and let it melt in. Hmph. Why me? Yuck. I smell like a sandwich.

(BEEPS) Whoo-hoo! Free gas!

You know, maybe I've been a little too uptight in the past. Well, from now on, you're gonna see a new Seymour Skinner. Oh, no, we won't! Yes, Mother.

That guy's hilarious.

Wow! What an icebreaker.

He can talk. He can talk. He can talk! He can talk! He can talk! He can talk! I can sing Ooh! Help me, Dr. Zaius! Dr. Zaius, Dr. Zaius Dr. Zaius, Dr. Zaius Dr. Zaius, Dr. Zaius Oh, Dr. Zaius

Ah, this split you sold me is makin' me choke. Lenny! What? I paid 7.10 for this split. Will you at least call it a "banana split," you dumb wad? Hey, spare me your gutter mouth! Ow. Ow!

until I was back here in New Springfield with my own kind.

Ugh! Ew! I kissed that sad weird kid! My beer! You never had a chance to become my urine. (SOBBING)

Oh, wait a minute. Actually, a woman is more like a beer. They smell good. They look good. You'd step over your own mother just to get one! But you can't stop at one. You wanna drink another woman.

General, I hereby surrender. Ow! Not the pointed end, you dumb-ass!

Hey, wait up! Aw, crap. It's that Pip-squeak Rudy. What is it, Rudy? Can I come too? Forget it, kid. You're too small to go to the Super Bowl. But what I lack in size I make up for in... obnoxiousness.

I have been wasting my life away in that dump for years. That's it! I'm going to find a new bar to drink in, and I'm gonna get drunker than I've ever been in my entire life! Bart, where's my wallet? Right here, Dad! Thank you!

Dad, it's May 16. You were in that coma for seven weeks. Uh-huh. You lost five percent of your brain.

Well, it looks like Sim Sim is a little frisky today. So our trainers are gonna calm her down.

Come in? Come in! Mayday! I'm losing your transmission! I said, "French fries!" What the-- Do we sell French... fries?

Ew! The best thing about a gypsy wedding is I'm not the hairiest woman here. Yep. Everything worked out for the best. What? Bart is dead! Well, me saying I'm sorry won't bring him back. The gypsy said it would. She's not the boss of me.

And those ridiculous bets you make. Gambling is the finest thing a person can do, if he's good at it. But you haven't won anything in months. I'll just make more money. Crank out some cheesy merchandise. But you've already merchandised everything-- Krusty's Monopoly game, the Krusty croWd-control barrier. Nothing is selling anymore, not even your new Lady Krusty line.

Nope. It couldn't be simpler. Kids write down what they want, put their money in the can, and I take the bus to the supermarket and bring the snacks the next day. Huh? (GROANS)

Welcome. Come in. Ah, fresh victims for my ever-growing army of the undead. Sir, you have to let go of the button. Oh, son of a bit--

The town of Springfield has been classified "N.W.B.," or "Nuclear Whipping Boy." In the first moments of a nuclear war, Springfield will be bombed at will... by all friendly nations to calibrate their missiles. Yea! Now for total security, I will terminate the cameraman. Thanks a lot, Steve!

Baby. Pirate? No, no, wait a minute! - Pirates are wild! - We are pregnant!

Nobody wants to hear the nonsensical ravings of a loudmouthed malcontent.

There's something unsettling about that.

Oh, no, the power's out? We'll miss Fox Celebrity Boxing! I heard tonight they have Ed Bradley vs. Mister Ed. It's terrible-- all the traffic lights are out. Driving sure is dangerous. Yeah, tell me about it. I got some yuppie jerk-off headed right for me, yakkin' away on his cell phone.

The dream was over. Coming up: Was the dream really over? Yes, it was. Or was it? And Homer finds a new passion:

You had a stamp collection? Stamp collection? Ha-ha! Ohh. Bart's pain is funny, but mine isn't. That saxophone was my one creative outlet.

I didn't know you knew Luke Perry!

Oh, you stole my bit!

The way people act around here, you'd think the streets were paved with gold. They are.

Would you mind watching Maggie for a while? It would only be until later. Sorry, but I promised to rewind videotapes for the poor. Come on, Flanders. Doesn't that Bible of yours say to love thy neighbor? Why won't you love me? All right, neighbor. I'll babysit. Thanks, Ned.

You knucklehead! A little help! I'll give you a little help. Oww! Oww-oww-oww! Oww! Oww! Oww! Oww!

You call hamburgers steamed hams? Yes. It's a regional dialect. Uh-huh. Uh, what region? Uh, upstate New York. Really. Well, I'm from Utica, and I've never heard anyone use the phrase "steamed hams." Oh, not in Utica. No. It's an Albany expression. I see.

We'll be dashed to pieces! Oh, Lord, protect this rocket house and all who dwell within the rocket house. It's them, all right. We're over here, Homie! Oh. Something's wrong with its brakes. Gangway!

Now let's look at the crew a little. They're a colorful bunch. They've been dubbed the Three Musketeers. And we laugh legitimately. There's a mathematician, a different kind of mathematician and a statistician.

Ever since you started therapy, all you can do is talk about yourself. Well, what about me, Marge? I just left my first session, and I haven't even opened my mouth yet. You see? You see? "I just left my first session, and I haven't opened my mouth yet."

Sunrise, sunset sunrise, sunset cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon yes, we have no bananas Oh, that's sweet, Homer. Our son is growing up, isn't he? No, it's not that. Didn't you hear?

This shouldn't be too hard to fix-- with the right tools.

I can't believe they put those stickers over my face.

Honey, you really shouldn't eat so much in bed. It's not good for your heart. My heart is just f-- Homie, what is it? just workin' the turkey through. There it goes!

The Batmobile. Adam West! Hey, kids. Batman. Dad, that's not the real Batman. Of course I'm Batman. See, here's a picture of me with Robin. Who the hell's Robin?

Could someone please whack my hernia back in? Sure, thing, Dad. Mr. Simpson, we'll cut you down... as soon as you answer one question about japan. Is the answer "japan"? Actually, it is. That means you move on to the lightning round.

but on the other hand, it's not like you go to museums or read books or anything. You think I don't want to? It's those TV networks, Marge. They won't let me-- one quality show after another, each one fresher and more brilliant than the last. If they only stumbled once, just gave us 30 minutes to ourselves.

I wanted a room with a fireplace... you brainless luggage monkey! Like the one in your brochure! Oh, Selma, dear. I was just chatting with my good friend... Dennis. Now, smile for the camera, that's a good lad.

Now, a guitar has many, many nicknames: an ax, a gitbox- I guess that's it. Anyway, we're gonna start with the fundamentals: playing a burning guitar with your teeth. All right! Fire!

Lucy! You hit her pretty hard there, Rick. Say, folks, what's all the ruckus? john Wayne? Will you guys turn that thing down?

Hello, I'm Troy McClure. You may remember me from such Fox Network specials as... Alien Nose job, and five fabulous weeks of The Chevy Chase Show. Tonight, we're here to honor America's favorite... non-prehistoric cartoon family.

Well, bye-bye belt.

love can't buy me love oh

Take thy beak from out my heart... and take thy form from off my door ! Quoth the Raven: Nevermore. Take thy beak from out my heart and take thy form from off my door. Quoth the Raven: Nevermore. Why, you little--

Boy, show business is kind of cruel, isn't it?

Dear Life in These United States, A funny thing happened to me-- Eh, oh! Use a pen, Sideshow Bob.

Well, I wouldn't have old chomper here, that's for sure. You know what I think of this contract? This! Yeah!

Okay. Acting natural, and... (ALL CONTINUE YELLING) To repeat what I said a moment ago, you are so dead! Dios mio, this kid is fun to hit!

It's bringing love! Don't let it get away! Break its legs!

Quit it, Bart. Quit it. Quit it. Quit it! Mom! Bart's making faces. Stop that, Bart. Homer, speak to him. Blah. Blee. Bleh. Stupid animals.

I believe it was a "boaking" accident.

Quiet, please. Some of us are trying to weld. Almost done. Just lay still. Lie still. I knew that. Just testing. Sentence fragment. "Sentence fragment" is also a sentence fragment. Must conserve battery power. Just come on.

Look, there's our school again. Otto, are you sure you-- It's a shortcut, Mrs. K. Trust me. Mrs. Krabappel ! Mrs. Krabappel ! Bart, not another word out of you, or I'll subject you to the humiliation...

Ow ! My foot ! You lousy, stupid, clumsy--

Oh, uh, excuse me, ma'am. Superintendent Chalmers. Oh, my God.

Okay. Steady, Bart. Taking ballet doesn't make you any less of a man. All right, girls. Today we learn the Dance of the Fairy Queens. You can either be a fairy or a queen. It's wide open.

Mr. Lanley! Aren't you gonna ride the monorail? Little lady, I'd love to, but I have to catch a plane. The ride only takes a minute. Yeah, well, my plane leaves in less than one minute.

But it's only 7:00. Yeah! The sun is still out! Ohh! They say your folks can't pay the rent So we're watching you by act of government

Oh, Homer. Everybody's been calling-- Mama, Daddy, the triplets, Vonda Mae, Piney joe, and I owe it all to you.

Fifty spaceships beamed us aboard. They gang-probed you, while I discovered an invention... that blew their heads up and saved America. Uh, do I have to be gang-probed? Would you rather tell Maude the truth? What did the aliens look like? Well, I only saw them from the back... 'cause they were so busy gang-probing you.

Four out of five, Simpson. Impressive. But you missed your last target. Did I? Ha-ha!

Take me out to the ball game take me out to the ball

Why you little-- Why you big-- Bart, go to your room. I'm out of here. Look, Marge, honey, baby, doll, I-- Homer, I don't even want to look at you right now. What are you saying, honey ?

"Pressure too high"? Oh! "Tank must be shut down manually"? Aw! Stupid bird! I never should have put you in charge! Why, you-- Oh, who am I kidding? It's all my fault. I gotta call the plant and warn 'em.

Somewhere in that sea of bull hormones... is the sweet, wonderful girl I married. The woman who, instead of swatting a fly... will give it a bath and send it on its way. I'd sure like to go home and have Jiffy Pop with her. Oh, my gosh. You’re right.

Don't do it! Don't do it! You'll kill everyone! ...do it! ...do it! ...kill everyone! Sure is taking me a long time to reach this button.

Talking about things to come Sweet dreams and flying machines In pieces on the ground Uh-- Sweet dreams and flying machines Flying safely through the air

Orphans lighting candles over a leaking gas line. Lighting candles? No-o-o! I can't feel my legs. I taste blood.

Now, how are we going to get my Homie back? I'll kidnap him for 50, deprogram him for 100, and I'll kill him for 500.

Six bells. Time for closin'. Can't talk. Eating. Fairly warned be thee, says I. Huh? Hey! Hey! Hey! But the sign said, "All you can eat."

and did Joe Torre shoot Flipper? But first, professional sports continues its downward march into the gutter. (LAUGHS) This is either about me or steroids. Thanks to professional jerk-ass, Homer Simpson, athletes are now taunting and boasting just to get on our highlight reel. Disgusting. Now here's our highlight reel.

I'm gonna meetcha, I'm gonna meetcha I'll meetcha Black-on-black violence must end. That was for Dr. King.

Chew, chew, chew! Chew, chew, chew!

And as for you, I don't know you, but I'm sure you're a jerk! Hey, I've only been here a few minutes. What's going on?

Oh, yeah? How long since you've had a baby?

I look forward to whaling on all of you. There waS A farmer had A dog and bingo was his name-o b-i-- O b-i-- o b-i-- And bingo was his name-o Added extra clap. Not college material.

We thespians believe it's bad luck to mention the name of this particular play out loud. You mean Macbeth? Quiet, you blundering fool! You'll curse us all! What? By saying Macbeth?

but things have gotten-- well, th-they're, uh, a lot worse. Now, Ned, troubled boys need rules and discipline. They crave it! You just lay down the law! Yeah, I know but...

Shh! Tappa-tappa-tappa.

I dont think this was a great place to bring the children. - It still beats Disney's California Adventure. - Mm-hmm.

Oh, Bart, you didn't have to do that. Ohh! - And for Homer-- - Wow! A golf shirt with my corporate logo on it. Oh! It smells like salmon too. Thanks, boy. And for the college-bound, 500 stay-alert capsules.

Okay. I got your German grub right here. Bart, does it strike you as odd that Uter disappeared... and suddenly they're serving us this mysterious food called "Uterbraten"? Oh, relax, kids. I've got a "gut" feeling Uter's around here somewhere.

That's it. He's out of here. But we're the only family he's got. This is not Happy Days, and he is not the Fonz. Hey-y-y, Mr. S.

I'll be there. And this time you can be the nacho man.

Ha, ha! Very good. All right, Lisa, uh-- jeremy Irons. Jeremy's... iron. Mm-hmm. Well, that's...

Moris: You die! You've mastered a dead tongue! But can you handle a live one?

I promise. Bart rented a car with a phony driver's license... and drove Milhouse, Nelson and Martin to a wig outlet in Knoxville, and the car got crushed, and they're out of money and they can't get home, and Bart's working as a courier and just came back from Hong Kong. Yes. That's a real pickle. Would you excuse me for a moment?

Homer, what's the matter? Ain't you never seen a naked chick ridin' a clam before? Gotta go! Ahhh! What the hell was that? I probably shouldn't have eaten that packet of powdered gravy I found in the parking lot.

The only just solution is to cut the baby in half. (PIERCING FLESH) Wait a minute. I've killed a baby. I'm a monster. (GROWLS) I can't take anymore. Ned, there's more to the Bible than blood and gore.

Super fun happy slide! No, Dad. Oh! I guess killing will be fun enough.

Doh ! No ! The slide is perfectly safe. This was an isolated incident. I understand that, Krusty, but isn't that what you said before the recall of tainted Krusty brand mayonnaise ? Now, Kent, you know that question is out of bounds. This interview is over.

Now what? Sorry we're late. Could we have the money now? The answer is no. I'm afraid I must insist.

i'm half Joe camel and A thIrd fonzarelli I'm the kung fu hippie from gangster city I'm A rappin' surfer you the fool I pity Ooh, Poochie is one outrageous dude. He's totally in my face. Wiggity, wiggity. Word up. Rock on, party.

Code blue. Code blue.

Excellent. Not a trace of urine. Seymour, you run a tight ship. Well, you know what they say, sir. "Where there's no smoke, there's no fire." What an odd remark. Why, that looks like a 50-cent piece. I'll just bend over and get it. Seems to be caught... between these two flowers.

Princeton! Stroke! Stroke!

the circle of life is complete. - Fat Tony, do you have any comment? - I don't get it. Everyone loves rats, but they don't wanna drink the rats' milk? Hmm. Any words for the mayor? Hello, Mayor Quimby. I would like to remind you that accidents will happen...

Why, you little- Why, you little-

Homer, what is it? Slow down. Yer getta ferda redda oura.

All right, we're here. Let us never speak of the shortcut again. Now, remember, we're in the Itchy Lot.

This is less encouraging. Hello! So, what do you think, Marge? All I need is a title. I was thinking along the lines of... No TV and No Beer Make Homer-- something something. Go Crazy?

Ow! My freakin' ears! Oh, let's go, dear. Well, I expect that type of language at Denny's, but not here! Aw, come on, folks, wait. Please come back. Please!

What are you kids lookin' at? Hey, look. He's tryin' to get up to yell at us. Don't make me close that shade!

Lisa? Bail out! Oh, that was close.

How can I be more like you? Just give me some advice. Advice? - Just call me Ann Flanders. - Uh-huh. Oh, and another thing... Please! Homie, don't hurt him! And a backrub can just be a backrub.

Dibs. First dibs. I get to lick the beaters. Ow ! Ow ! Ow ! Litha, my "ongue" is "uck" in the "eaters." My "ongue" ! Happy birthday ! Huh ? What ? Here's your birthday breakfast.

Feed the Children. Save the Whales. Even Release the Hounds.

Here's johnny! D'oh! David Letterman! - Hi, David. I'm Grampa. - D'oh! I'm Mike Wallace. I'm Morley Safer. And I'm Ed Bradley. All this and Andy Rooney tonight on 60 Minutes!

Hi, Mrs. Simpson! Oh, no! I pepper-sprayed Ralph. Even my boogers are spicy. Sorry!

Leave Homer ? - Don't use his real name ! - Leave Pedro ? Can you be that honest ? Yeah. You'll tell him right when he comes home from work. Yeah ! - Say it like you mean it. - Yeah ! Attagirl.

Oh, no. Ties. Don't worry, son. You can have mine. Here. Let me show you how to put on a tie. The hook goes over the top and these things go in there. Thanks, Dad.

Wait. I know. Vent gas. "Pressure too high"? Oh! "Tank must be shut down manually"?

Yeesh! How much was it? $350. Ooh. Ha-ha!

Crush! Kill! Destroy!

Isn't there like a pound where you can pick up cheap ponies that ran away from home? I sincerely hope not. I'd like to borrow $5,000. Sorry. I can't approve a loan that size myself. Hello.

Oh, Lord, protect this rocket house and all who dwell within the rocket house.

Well, circle gets the square. TV sure has come a long way, huh, Milhouse? (MILHOUSE LAUGHING) Check it out! I'm riding some guy named Ironside! Ow, my banana! Danger, danger. Door ajar. The indignity.

I'm gonna have to shut it down myself! Fat, don't fail me now! D'oh!

Give us the money! Elmo knows where you live. Please, help me. I'll do anything. I'll light a candle. I'll help with your next charity scam. The word is "drive." Sure, sure. Bob's your uncle. Let's just get out of here.

Also, I taste copper.

That's just the engine powering up. That's just the engine struggling. That's just a carp swimming around your ankles.

Hey, Simpson, I heard your dad's afraid of a little, old, giant grizzly bear.

- Guess who! - Maris? O-O-Oh, shoot! Bob, look!

Wow! Very impressive. You're a natural, Mr. Simpson. Really? Uh-huh. All you need is your own set of clubs. And stay the hell out of my locker! You can keep the shoes.

I'll never wiggle my bare butt in public again. I'd like to believe that this time. I really would. Bart, run down to the store and get a big bag of ice for your father. Yes'm. Dad, I know you're discouraged, but, please, don't deny the world your fat can. Don't worry, boy.

D'oh! Okay, no big deal. Stupid Lisa! Gotta build fast. Cement drying! All right, let's see. Ohh. English side ruined! Must use French instructions! "Le grille"? What the hell is that?

Oh, wait a second. I do something really funny here.

Coming up next, "The Flintstones Meet The jetsons." Uh-oh. I smell another cheap cartoon-crossover. Bart Simpson, meet jay Sherman, the critic. Hello. Hey, man, I really love your show. I think all kids should watch it. I suddenly feel so dirty.

Stop ! Don't you see what's happening here ? They're fattening us up so they can eat us ! Come on, Lisa. If you don't believe me, look at this book that I found. She's right ! Humans, you have stopped eating. Listen, you big, stupid space creature,

Lisa, why aren't you at band practice? I quit.

On the good ship lollipop it's A sweet trip to A candy shop where bonbons--

Sugar do-do-do-do do-do aw, honey, honey do-do-do-do do-do You are my caNdy--

How was class? We learned how to rip a man's heart out and show it to him before he dies. That will learn them.

Springfield baby! I'll always love you, Bart. Springfield baby! Springfield baby! (CHOKING)

Excuse me. Paul Bunyan never fought Rodan. And his size seems to be really inconsistent. I mean, one minute, he's 10 feet tall. The next, his feet are as big as a lake. Hey, hey, hey! Who's the hobo here? I'm just sayin'.

Oh, I'd love to. But to be honest, modern medicine has a lousy record of treating the back. We spend too much time on the front. Yeah, there's some neat stuff on the front. I'm gonna send you to my chiropractor.

Good times. Why don't you try reaching out to this new girl? - See if you two have a common interest. - Hmm.

- Oh! - Oh! Game's over. I got down on the floor for this?! Wait, Dad. I've got something for you. I was hoping it would be money. Hmm, dear. We're in serious trouble here.

Why, you little..! He did that on purpose! How could he? He's only ten minutes old. Bart, Lisa, come here for a minute.

You stay awake. And if it looks like I'm in trouble, wake me up. Okay. But promise you won't be grouchy.

Same time, same place ? Yes. In my office after school. Ooh ! Bart, I hope you won't bear some sort of simpleminded grudge against me. I was merely trying to fend off the desecration of the school building. - Eat my shorts. - Pardon ?

Oh, Rhett! Rhett! Oh, Rhett. Where will I go? What'll I do? Frankly, my dear-- I love you. Let's remarry. Ahh. That's sweet. What a lovely ending.

Let's get him. And this time it's personal. What? It is personal. He's got our underpants.

Cool. Uh-oh. Eek!

It was worth it. Hey, Homer, you wanna get a beer on the way home?

I like the cut of your jib, Simpson.

Now you be-a good, Pinitchio. And don't-a you lie. - I promise I will never hurt you. - Ouch-a! I wonder if this kind of violence really does desensitize us?

Cartwright, cut. Smith, sorry. Cut. Azaria and Shearer, you're cut. Firestone, you're cut. So is judge. Namath, you stay. All of those people are cut. Bill Schultz and Wolf and Silverman. Goldreyer. O'Brien, Doyle, Selman, I don't know what you--

And best of all, it's made from 100% recycled animals. I think I'm gonna be sick. Oh, a spoonful of slurry will cure what ails ya. Oh! You haven't changed at all! You're still evil. And when you're trying to be good, you're even more evil.

or you'll all be back doing Come Blow Your Horn at the Westport Dinner Theater. All right then. Let's see what the old Simpson family is up to now. Duh-oh!

(SCREAMS) (CLANKIING) What? Spider poison is people poison? (CRIES) Bart! (GRUNTS) Hmm. Where's the pain? (GROANS) Ow! There it is! (CRYING)

We need the outlet for our rock tumbler. Plug it in! Plug it in! What, the rock tumbler or the TV? The TV! The TV! Show

Of course you're not.

Good-bye, Marge. I'll always love you.

I just don't feel challenged. Of course we could make things more challenging, Lisa, but then the stupider students would be in here complaining, furrowing their brows in a vain attempt to understand the situation.

I'd do anything for keg-meister julius. So I cooked up a phony awards show. Not again. Time saver, my ass. When Willie asked me to be a presenter at the New Awareness Awards, I had to think about it-- for about a microsecond.

I put those Cathys on the fridge for you. I don't even like them. They've gotten so smutty. Oh, sure. When a man does it, it's smutty. But if a woman did it--

In the morning. Oh, Mom, I'm borrowing your car.

You cannot hurt a Twinkie! Jiminy Cricket! Whoo! Expired ham. Well, this time I've gone too far. No. No one will fall for--

- Bart, what are you doing ? - Uh-oh ! - Aah ! - Aah !

Well, that's the first case I've ever seen... of a man suffering four simultaneous heart attacks.

Marge? Yes, Homie? That's it! You people have stood in my way long enough! I'm going to clown college! I don't think any of us expected him to say that.

Congratulations, Bart. You've just discovered a comet. Noooo! Noooo! Noooo!

Then it is unanimous. We are going to approve the bill to evacuate the town of Springfield... - in the great state of-- - Wait a second. I want to tack on a rider to that bill. Thirty million dollars of taxpayer money to support the perverted arts. All in favor of the amended Springfield/"Prevert" bill?

J Jellyfish, along you came; J And right away I'm stung J

Ah, it's about the same. Uh-oh! Look out, Smithers! I love this show. Well, well. Look who's come to apologize.

The new, improved Kidz Newz has been canceled. Stay tuned for The Mattel And Mars Bar Quick Energy Chocobot Hour.

But you always looked out for me. Homer, it's really coming down! Could you check on the boys? They're fine. And no matter what happens, I'll never forget the advice you gave me.

Mondays, 9:00, CBS. They say everybody loves that guy, but I don't get it. What are you talking about? Hey, I'm just saying, catch it while you still can.

Wait. I know. Vent gas. "Pressure too high"? Oh! "Tank must be shut down manually"? Aw! Stupid bird! I never should have put you in charge! Why, you-- Oh, who am I kidding? It's all my fault.

Someone is charging room service to the company, sir. Well, we'll just see about that. Fly, my pretties, fly! Continue the research.

What do I do in case-- After applying brushable coating to the panels-- Wait a minute. you'll need corrosion-resistant metal stucco lath. Wait a minute! If you can't find metal stucco lath-- Uh-huh? use carbon-fiber stucco lath. Ohh! Now parge the lath.

MILHOUSE: Hello? Hello? I had to leave because my French bread pizza dinged. Hello? Duck, duck, duck, duck.

The only applause I got was for draggin' my carcass out of there. Hey, Mr. Showmanship, the owner wants to see you in his office right now. I'm sorry, young man. You're just not ready. Pick up your check at the front office, and for God's sake, put some clothes on ! I guess it's back to good old Springfield.

Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!

Game's over. I'm outta here. Wait a minute, you little cheater. You're not going anywhere until you tell me what a "kwyjibo" is. "Kwyjibo." Uh-- A big, dumb, balding, North American ape with no chin. And a short temper. I'll show you a big, dumb, balding ape ! Uh-oh. Kwyjibo on the loose.

Me and Frostillicus go back a long way. I used to share a bathroom with Frostillicus. In fact, I got a real funny story about that. Actually, it's not so much funny as it is long. it seems that there was this-- Whoo! What a gold mine!

Now, you take the hoose-- The moose? The hoose! The hoose! Is this right? Turn off the noozle! The noodles? What noodles? The noozle at the end of the hoose!

That means no booze, kick, puff, doze, maxx, stim, or turb. Remember, stim kills. It's what turned Superintendent Chalmers into a vegetable. Skinner. Skinner. Skinner. Skinner. Skinner. Skinner.

Unclean! Unclean!

Ooh! That thing was funny for about three seconds.

I'm looking for a Mr. Smithers, first name Waylon. Oh. So you're lookin' for a Mr. Smithers, eh? First name Waylon, is it? Listen to me, you! When I catch you, I'm gonna pull out your eyes and shove 'em down your pants... so you can watch me kick the crap outta you! Okay? Then I'm gonna use your tongue to paint my boat.

Mr. Burns has left the building. We are mollified! We are mollified!

I got a plan that can't fail.

I am Death. Death? We don't want any. I have come for Bart Simpson. Bart, run like the (MISPRONOUNCING) wind! Mom, it's "wind." Well, I've only read it in books.

Ah, my lucky red hat. Clean as a whistle. You did this to me! I... apologize.

that the following show is very scary, with stuff that might give your kids nightmares. You see, there are some crybabies out there--

Aw. Those poor badgers are soaked.

I know my punishment might seem a little harsh, but I can't go back on it. - You're welcome to watch anything you want on TV. - TV sucks.

Drat. I wish that song were longer. I've gotta admit, you can really shake it. Oh, yes. That's totally voluntary. So, you guys come here all the time? Oh, uh, constantly.

as a young boy, I dreamed of being a baseball. But tonight I say we must move forward, not backward, upward, not forward... and always twirling, twirling, twirling towards freedom!

And he taught me how to play the shehnai. That's even worse than the album Grampa released.

I forgive you. You can call me brother, and I can do the same. That's it? That's it. I see your point... brother. Give me a hug... brother. All right but I never really hugged a man before.

Homer, it's really coming down. Could you check on the boys ? They're fine.

Now, for my favorite part of the show.

(CLUCKING) Is he making chicken noises?

May I have your attention, please ?

Hey, Moe, what'll you give me for an A.A. chip? Uh, Barney, this is a five-minute chip. Ah, it's worth a Pabst.

You said it, Phil.

You, sir, are a perfect patsy. Let me shake your hand. To the gag, I will give a D-plus. As for the workmanship on the hand, it-- Oh. That's not right! You mocking me! Oh, that is rich.

Tonight, '70s leading man Troy McClure has finally met the woman of his dreams. We may remember-- Woman? Huh. Okay. We may remember Troy from such films... as The Verdict Was Mail Fraud and Leper in the Backfield.

julius! Clancy! Skinner! Seymour! Mother. - Patty? - Cletus! Oh, uh, Barney. Clancy! Hey, come on! You did me twice!

Wasted once more in Daiquiritaville Rip-off!

So, Flanders, what do you think of the house that love built? Aw, shoot!

Well, Son, I guess this is the end. But we've both had long, full lives. - Oh. Right. - Hey, look. Another spaceship. And there's nobody guarding it! Let's go.

Barney, you saved my life. Chloe, when you left me, I was devastated. But I sobered up long enough to become a pilot. With you beside me, I think I could make it work. How about a half-hour of pity sex? Is there any other kind? (BURPS)

Nevermore, nevermore, nevermore, nevermore, nevermore--

He's basically a good kid. He's just weak-- morally and in the upper body. Hmm. Please let me slip through the cracks. Well, you look like a good student, what with those glasses. And I suppose boys will be boys. Case dismissed!

Most people write letters to movie stars. This Simpson guy writes to movies! "Dear Die Hard, you rock! "Especially when that guy was on the roof. "P.S. Do you know Mad Max?" To reach you, I called up my friends in the liberal media and planted that story about the giant pizza.

Lisa! - Oh! - Marge! Your shoe! The plane tickets!

But as for me, I'm off to battle aliens on a faraway planet. That sounds like a good movie. Yes. Yes, a-a movie. Yes. Hey, let's all hug Apu. Aww. Ooh!

- Who said that? - Will you stop saying that? - Simpson! - S h h _ English - US - SDH

What were we talking about? Ooh, a clown!

is freebasing ground-up moon rocks. (SUCKING) All this does is get me to normal. (SIGHS) Thank you, Krusty.

I'll be the sole survivor, and the treasure will be mine.

Why didn't someone tell me? Oh, I've been making an idiot out of myself! Mrs. Krabappel and Principal Skinner were in the closet making babies. And I saw one of the babies. And the baby looked at me. The baby looked at you? Sarah, get me Superintendent Chalmers.

Oh. That's much worse.

La, la, la, la, la, I'm in love with lovely Johnny This movie you rented sucks. No, it doesn't. It's funny.

With pleasure. Homer's a big jerk. Mm-mmm, mm-mmm. Mmm. Whoa. But I can explain. I'm leaving you, Marge. The next time you see my name will be in the hobo obituaries. Don't worry about the kids. I'll drop them off with Patty and Selma. Patty and Selma? Screw that.

On the top. Oh!

Well, I wine them, I... dine them, bring them flowers, write them love poetry, sir. Of course.

I want you to shut off the logical part of your mind. Okay. Embrace nothingness. You got it. Become like an uncarved stone. Done. - Bart ! You're just pretending to know what I'm talking about. - True. Well, it's very frustrating. I'll bet.

Lisa? Lisa! Dad! Stay there! I'll come down and save you! What's wrong with this thing?

My dad thinks I'm having my braces examined.

Listen, darlin', we're just as much a part of Springfield... as the church, the library or the crazy house. - So I think I'll stay right here, neighbor. - Is that so? Well, sleazy entertainment and raunchy jokes... will never be as popular as sobriety and self-denial.

Seymour! The house is on fire! No, Mother. It's just the northern lights. Well, Seymour, you are an odd fellow, but I must say you steam a good ham. Help! Help!

What the..? D'oh!

Homer. Homer, why didn't you tell me? I was ashamed, Marge. I failed you as a husband and a provider. And at best I was a B-plus dog. I'll understand if you want to sleep on the couch tonight.

Ah, that stunk! Well, what did everybody think?

My secret shame. Smithers, my plan worked perfectly. Bart Simpson will live here as my son, and I will mold him in my own graven image. Who knows? I may even grow to... love him.

Okay, he's cleared the ring of fire, passed the ring of ice, over the dog do stick. He's cracked the safe. Hey, Flanders, don't spill my beer. Oh, God! Lay down. Lay down. Clear!

Safe! Wow. My first home run. That's my boy. Come on. Hug me.

There they go, two criminal geniuses locked away together. Who knows what diabolical schemes they might concoct?

I'm just getting started.

You make it sound so seamy. All I did was spend the afternoon in her trailer... watching her try on some outfits. Hi, Lurleen. We were just talking about you. I think I can come over. Let me ask my wife.

the bake sale to raise money for the car wash... has been canceled due to confusion. Well, that concludes this morning's announcements. I'm Seymour Skinner. And stand by to resume learning in five, four, three, two-- Ugh! It's hard enough to keep the kids awake without you, Seymour.

(ROARING) (BIG LION-LIKE YAWN) Until a younger, more aggressive lion challenges his power. (WHIMPERS) (WHIMPERS) (GRUNTS) Oh.

Giver of life, mother of us all. Hey, guys, look what I smuggled aboard. Homer, no! Huh? - They'll clog the instruments! - Careful. They're ruffled.

All the big money! Look at all the names that own money... and have lots of money! Oh, he's poor. But look at all the other people that aren't p-- Oh, look at all the people who could buy and sell me!

Aha! Aw. Twenty dollars. I wanted a peanut.

Mr. Terwilliger, come quick! There's trouble down to the cement mixer, sir! See, Cousin Merl and me was playing fetch with Geech. That's our old smellhound and-- Geech gone to heaven, Mr. Terwilliger. Oh, Cousin Merl, really!

Happy birthday to you Happy birthday to you Happy 34th birthday, Mrs. Homer Simpson Happy birthday to you

Hey, monkey, you want a peanut? I said one!

Oh, yakety-yak-yak. - You, food bag, do you have a son? - Yes, sir, I do. And is he a constant disappointment? Does he bring home nitwits and make you talk to them? Oh, all the time. Have you ever heard of this kid Milhouse? He's a little wiener who-- Fascinating. Good night.

I will spend the remainder of this afternoon... patiently listening to your interminable anecdotes. Hot diggety damn! Me first! Not many people know I owned... the first radio in Springfield. Weren't much on the air then.

Hmm. We didn't have a message when we left. How very odd. Hello, Muddah Hello, Faddah Here I am at Camp Granada - Marge, is Lisa at Camp Granada? Now to put this tape...

You're letting me go? Kirk, crackers are a family food. Happy families. Maybe single people eat crackers. We don't know. Frankly, we don't want to know. It's a market we can do without. So that's it after 20 years-- so long, good luck? I don't recall saying "good luck."

All the kids in Springfield are S.O.B.s. Gabbo's kind of language has no place on or off TV. And that's my two cents. That oughta hold those S.O.B.s. What the--

How much is this free resort weekend? It's free. And when is this weekend? It's this weekend. Uh-huh. And how much does it cost? - Um, it's free. - I see. And when is it? It's this weekend. And what are you charging for this free weekend? Come on, Dad. The team's arriving. It's free, right?

and you expect me to give you... how much? $800 billion. Well, that brought back a lot of memories.

Ooh. Lost a few. Oh. Well, there's plenty more where that came from. Uh-oh. A zit. No problemo. The perfect crime.

Let's catch the tail end of Nooky in New York. Nooky in New York? It's a cable show about four single women... who act like gay men. That sounds great.

- Champagne ? - Please. There, my darling. Thank you. What cosmic force brought us together, Marge ? Destiny ? Yes. Some divine pinspotter...

No ! Homer, do you know why I gave you this job ? 'Cause you think I'm a genius ? No, I don't think you're a genius. 'Cause you think I'm dynamic ? I don't think you're dynamic. You think I work well with others ? No, no, no, no, no.

See, each pushup includes both an up part and a down part. D'Oh! Hey, where's Charlie? How'd he get outta this? Aw, he's at home on disability.

Oh, hey, hey. Family, family, come here. I have an announcement to make. The Simpsons have cable ! Cable ? We have cable ? That's right, 68 channels. MTV for the kids, VH-1 for us. Sixteen hundred hours of quality programming every day !

Smithers, are they booing me? Uh, no. They're saying, "Boo-urns! Boo-urns!" Are you saying "Boo" or "Boo-urns"?

These uniforms suck. Bart, where do you pick up words like that? Yeah, Moe, that team sure did suck last night. They just plain sucked. I've seen teams suck before, but they were the suckiest bunch of sucks that ever sucked. Homer, watch your mouth! I gotta go. My damn wiener kids are listening. We are not wieners. Then what are you dressed like that for?

He steps on the clutch and the toilet goes flush... Shut up!

Ooh... Battlestar Galactica!

I'm in love! No, wait, it's a stroke. No, wait, it is love! I'm in lo-o-o-o-ve!

Geez, Flanders, you're 60 years old,

because I would hate for you to think that what I'm about to say... is based on emotion. But you, sir, Huh ? are a baboon ! Me ? Yes, you ! Baboon, baboon, baboon, baboon ! I don't think you realize what you're saying. Baboon !

Mmm... mmm. Did you get the job? Nah, they wanted someone good. Story of my life. Oh, Homey.

(HOMER GROANING) (CHOKING) MARGE: What's all that racket? It's old lady Simpson! Run! What's going on? Uh, I'll tell you what's going on. I'm taking you all out for pancakes.

Hi! How are you?

Mom, calm down. The party's not for another three hours. Oh, good. That will give me time to add another coat of glaze to the ham.

Hey, Clinton, get back to work. Make me.

Man fall down. Funny.

Sideshow Bob, Councilman Les Wynan... says that you're not experienced enough to be mayor. Sir, what do you have to say about that? I'd say that Les Wynan... ought to do more thinkin' and less whinin'.

Get to the money! In a moment. First, let's review the minutes from our last meeting. Get to the money! Get to the money! Get to the money! Very well. We will now hear suggestions for the, uh, disbursement... of the, uh, two million dollars. Don't you mean three million dollars?

Lousy "Smarch" weather. "Do not touch Willie." Good advice. Huh?

Superintendent, I hope you're ready for mouthwatering hamburgers. I thought we were having steamed clams. D'oh, no. I said steamed hams. That's what I call hamburgers.

Ooh, uh, gee, True Believer, uh, Salvador, Onion Field, The Hard Way. Wait-Wait a minute! Those aren't convenience stores. That sounds like the resume of a Hollywood movie star. Uh, yeah, well-- Huh! James Woods! Why would you want to work at a Kwik-E-Mart? Well, uh, to be honest, in my upcoming movie...

It's a beautiful day to kick your ass! You die now!

Some folk'll never eat a skunk but then again Some folk'll Like Cletus the Slack-jawed Yokel Hey. What's goin' on on this side?

For all the latest medical poop Call Surgeon General C. Everett Koop Koop-Koop-a-doop

Oh, great. Tell them this is one of those places where rich women lose weight.

This is my voice on Tv - Dad! You're ruining the mood! Sorry.

Marge, do you respect my intelligence?

You couldn't be more wrong, Lisa. If I didn't have this gun, the king of England... could just walk in here anytime he wants and start shoving you around. Do you want that? Huh? - Do you? - No. All right, then. I'm sorry, Homer. No weapons.

Look. Just give me some inner peace, or I'll mop the floor with ya! Good. Your mind is in a state of readiness. So listen well. To make yourself complete, you must find your soul mate. Soul mate? Your kindred spirit. The one with whom you share an unspoken bond.

You're gonna laugh when you hear this. When suddenly-- Well, I thought Dad was the problem.

This job sure is easy. Now to press this button. Not again! Angry Dad, you're fired.

All I can do is give you one name-- Edgar Neubauer. Find him and you'll find your answer. No Edgar Neubauer.

Oh. That must be our new landlord, Mr. Stingley. Where is the rent I must have the rent Dollars, dimes and nickels I need them all right now I literally chewed the scenery.

Oh! How much did you see? Uh, nothing incriminating. Good. Well, bye.

You can't protect her forever, you stupid lady.

We are the knights who say "Ni!" Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni.

What's good as new? Who's talking?

Hey, would you two close the "dam" door? Bart! But that's where we live. A dam. Look, everybody. Maggie got her first tooth.

Hi, everybody! Ho... mer Simp... son. Okay, that was a little strange.

Hark to the tale of Nelson and the boy he loved so dear They remained the best of friends for years and years and years What are they saying?

the most popular toy of 1999.

Um, I shoot birds at the airport.

Best Thanksgiving ever, eh, boy ? Good-bye. Sorry. I'm sure Bart will be back. I would say something comforting, but, you know, my voice. Let's go ! If I'm not back at the home by 9:00, they declare me legally dead and collect my insurance !

I am the Wondrous Wizard of Latin! I am a dervish of declension and a conjurer of conjugation, with a million hit points and maximum charisma! Ah-ha! Morire: To die! Morit: He, she, or it dies! Moris: You die!

It's not a jail. It's a reeducation center.

Okay, Libya. Exports. Yes, sir, you American pig. Nice touch. Uh-- Let's see. Uh, the exports of Libya are numerous in amount. One thing they export is corn. Or, as the Indians call it, maize.

But seriously, we've had a lot of fun with our dad over the years.

Why me, Lord? Where have I gone wrong? I've always been nice to people. I don't drink or dance or swear. I've even kept kosher just to be on the safe side. I've done everything the Bible says! Even the stuff that contradicts the other stuff!

I was. But I've come back as your love testing machine. I'm The Love-Matic Grampa!

Tell Maude I want a fancy funeral! Big coffin, lots of jewels!

Well, of course you deserve a star, Krusty. Let me just ask you a few questions. Full name? Herschel Pinchas Yoracham Krustofski. Good, good. Circumcision? And then some! (CHUCKLES) Date of Bar Mitzvah?

Hiya, gang. Intruder alert. Intruder alert. Stop the humanoid.

And he hurled a rock of rejection at anyone displaying intelligence, character, or ethnicity. (GRUNTS) Tonight, we reveal a shocking secret. Ladies, when you were selected, you were told that you'd be dating a billionaire on his private island. Well, I'm afraid we misled you.

Oh, glory of glories!

But I promised my family I wouldn't smoke it anymore. Well, I've gotta do something. Start inhalin', Waylon.

You know, I never walk out of a movie, but, yuck!

Hello, once again. As usual, I must warn you all that this year's Halloween show is very, very scary, and those of you with young children may want to send them off to bed and-- Oh, my. It seems the show is so scary that Congress won't even let us show it.

Oh, all these new superheroes suck. None of them could hold a candle to Radioactive Man. The only decent new one is Radiation Dude. Nah, He's just a cheap imitation of Radioactive Man.

Parole granted. Next up for parole, Bob Terwilliger, a.k.a. Sideshow Bob.

Do you want to come over and play? Really? We can be friends again? Did your mom die? Uh... I don't think so. Well, who cares? Milhouse, I'll be right there. Sorry, Maggie. Game's over. Hey, Mom! I'm friends with Milhouse again. I knew his mother would come to her senses.

Dear Mr. President, there are too many states nowadays. Please eliminate three. I am not a crackpot. - Good news, Abe. - Who are you?

Hey! Uh-oh. Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! I don't understand it. That was nonalcoholic champagne. Well, Homer, I guess you're the winner by default.

Mmm. Mm-hmm. Montgomery Burns. Now we wait. Let go of me! I'm innocent! Whoa, he's in trouble. We'd like to award this year's Pulitzer Prize to Mr. X.

Oh. Nice doggy.

It's just Alpha-Bits with extra J's.

Milhouse, what have you got there? My busy box. It's got everything. Vroom, vroom, vroom! I'm calling Daddy. Good for you, not being bound by the recommended age. What are you talking about? Oh, geez.

f Homer Screams f

- I'm down. - Pa! Move the hand brake!

but I don't like the word "boss." Look at my feet. Okay. You like those moccasins? Look in your closet. There's a pair for you. Don't like 'em? Then neither do I! Get the hell outta here! Ha! - Ever seen a guy say good-bye to a shoe? - Yes, once. Mr. Scorpio, this house is almost too good for us.

Nice work, Petunia. 'Ere you go.

Uncross those eyes, mister. But I can't! Oh, sorry, Quigley. Come on, honey. Smile! I bet you've got a beautiful smile. Why don't you share it with the world? There is no God!

I'm not going to press charges, but I assume you'll want to punish him. Yeah, I appreciate the suggestion, lady, but he hates that, and I gotta live with him. You're the man, Homer. Well, if you won't discipline him, I'll come back and speak with his mother. No, wait, wait. Madam, I run a house of discipline.

Ah, sorry. Let me buy you a drink. Very well. I will have a shot of cranberry schnapps. Uh, these, they're just painted on there. Your choices are beer and, uh, egg soakings. I'll pass. Beer is the nectar of the nitwit. Hey, you knockin' beer?

Hey, Marge, remember when we used to make out to this hymn?

All right, guys, one, two, three. Moo? Lenny, you were supposed to be "E." See what happens when you skip rehearsal.

Fine, curtsy boy. I'll try it your way.

I mean, for a product that's evil and deadly. Aw, thanks, honey.

Maybe. I'm Lindsay Naegle, and I dont want to spend another fiscal year alone.

Well, Son, I guess this is the end. But we've both had long, full lives. - Oh. Right. - Hey, look. Another spaceship. And there's nobody guarding it! Let's go.

Suspect is hatless. Repeat, hatless. I can't wait till they throw his hatless butt in jail.

Aha! Stay away from me, Bart. I mean it. I'm not going back. I'm not cut out to be a star.

An overworked and underappreciated housewife has parked on the bridge, refusing to budge. This reporter will be lowered in the sky harness for an exclusive interview.

"Underachiever and proud of it." How old is this thing? "Lisa is an outstanding student with a slight tendency toward know-it-all-ism"?

Hmm. Mm-hmm. Hey, give me some of that! Mom! Bart sprayed whipped cream in my eye! I did not. Kids, cut it out! All right. Hey!

The grand opening of the Heavenly Hills Mall. Please just follow the angel for all your shopping needs!

Just smash it open! Oh, you can do it if your heart is pure-- or... purée.

Boss, here's the call for the third race. It's Suffering Succotash by a neck over Yabba-Dabba Do0, Ain't I a Stinker and That's All Folks.

I am happy to report we've succeeded in blocking the St. Patrick's Day Parade, which, every year, steps on several lizards.

So, Homer, you think you can fix my sciatica? Hmm. I don't know what that is, so I'm gonna say yes. Now go limp. I'm limp. One, two, better not sue. Hey, it worked! My searing leg pain is now a gentle numbness.

you're a thief-- a common thief!

Look, everybody. Maggie got her first tooth. Okay. Now, before my boss comes,

Stop kicking my baby!

I'm very mad at 'ou.

You've changed, man. It used to be about the music. I said slag off! Cool!

Moo? Lenny, you were supposed to be "E." See what happens when you skip rehearsal.

Yeah. The teachers are afraid to leave the faculty lounge.

It's our grease now. We run the grease racket in this town. Hey, that's my shovel! We also run the shovel racket.

I would really like to thank you nerds for helping me out. Oh, and could you stop calling us nerds? Dweeb, wonk, spaz, it's all good.

That is the most dishonest thing I've ever heard ! I should box your ears, you-you-you Sneaky Pete ! Easy, tiger. Hey, you easy ! Now, get off my property ! Hey, Flanders, who put that bug up your butt ?

I've really earned my wings. I knew it! No. I mean this CD. The Best of Wings. For the Band on the run You know, we've been through some 280 adventures together.

No more pain where you are now, boy. Oh, God! That's tasty. I wish Pinchy were here to enjoy this.

Oh, what a bleak, horrible future we live in!

So much for the days when I could say, "At least my mother's normal." Well, everybody's got a fear of something. Not everybody. Sock puppets! Where? Where?

My son. My son. Come on, Flanders. He's not that bad.

Now we just need a distraction. You call this a bicameral legislature? Ow! Ohh! Hey! I say! I say! My groin! Ow!

No way, man. My hair is who I am! Ow, I'm a freak! What the--

I say we crack down on the hippies. Bleh! What about this dang environment? Back in Texas, we got rid of it. And it made everyone a lot happier. Excellent. We shall destroy the environment... by scrapping every antipollution law.

Hello, fishies! Listen, rummy! I'm gonna say it plain and simple. Where'd you pinch the hooch? - Is some blind tiger jerking suds on the side? - Yes?

My father was a stewardess. Marge, there's nothing to be ashamed of here.

Take that, you greedy fat cats. Marge, give me your purse. Here's $42. That's everything I have. - Run home and bury it in the yard. - I love you, Mom. Wow, they're hanging on his every word.

And you must be the man who didn't know if he had a pimple or a boil. It was a gummi bear. Coming up next,

If I didn't have this gun, the king of England... could just walk in here anytime he wants and start shoving you around. Do you want that? Huh? - Do you? - No. All right, then. I'm sorry, Homer. No weapons.

Ooh! Keep your hands to yourself, mister.

Nothing's gonna stop us now. Stop everything! I don't remember writing a check for bowling. Sir, that's a check for your boweling. Oh, yes. That's very important. Yes, sir. Remember that month you didn't do it? Yes, that was unpleasant for all concerned. Anyway, back to the checks. Stop everything!

I've figured out the boy's punishment. First, he's grounded. No leaving the house, not even for school. Second, no eggnog. In fact, no nog period. And third, absolutely no stealing for three months. I always thought I understood my special little guy.

Thank you, Fat Tony. However, in the future, I would prefer a nondescript briefcase to the sack with a dollar sign on it. So, how'd you get the nickname "Legs"? Well, that's an interesting story. It seems President Kennedy's father was-- Whoo! Mini cannoli.

She's still your mother. Come inside. Hmm? Can I get you a glass of milk? Cow milk? Uh-huh.

You got the dud!

it's company policy to give you the plague. Uh, sir, that's the plaque.

Superintendent, I hope you're ready for mouthwatering hamburgers. I thought we were having steamed clams. D'oh, no. I said steamed hams. That's what I call hamburgers. You call hamburgers steamed hams?

Shut up, Updike!

It'll only be till we finish our tour of Sweden.

Hmm. Phone's off the hook. Everything must be okay. Aw, I'm gonna give your liver such a punchin'!

And Bart is set for the week. Oh, no. Sorry, Mrs. S. He was kinda disrupting things at work. Yeah. He ruined nap time and quiet time. Oh, Homie, you poor thing.

Bart, what's wrong? I just had a vision of my own horrible, fiery death. And? Lisa, your brother's obviously had a nightmare. Don't worry, honey. The scary part's over.

Oh, now, now. There's no need to resort to violence. Aw, sure there is.

Well, if you wanted to make Serak the Preparer cry, mission accomplished. You aren't the only beings who have emotions, you know.

Wait! Don't go! My stock will have a slight rebound in 2003. I had nothing. (TIRES SCREECHING) They even took my repo vans.

And now the star of our show, my son, Mozart! He makes Bach turn back. Haydn go into hidin', and, well, those are the only ones there have been so far. (CHEERING) Hello, Vienna! Are there any aficionados in the house? Yeah!

Listen! Ned Flanders murdered his wife! But why? She's such a fox. I mean, what's on Fox tonight? Something ribald, no doubt.

Aw, crap. There's a clog in the torso chute! Leroy! Get your ass in gear. Shut your hole.

D'oh! If this were a cartoon, the cliff would break off now.

We think we saw Hugo at the airport. He was boarding a plane to Switzerland, and-- Oh.

Is there no way I can find justice? If you have a consumer complaint, just call this number. Boring. Dad, you should blow the whistle on the Kwik-E-Mart. And now a message from the Church of Latter-day Saints. Dad, are you listening to me? Shh! Lisa! The dog is barking.

I've seen teams suck before, but they were the suckiest bunch of sucks that ever sucked. Homer, watch your mouth! I gotta go. My damn wiener kids are listening. We are not wieners. Then what are you dressed like that for?

That's depressing.

The-- The Leader?

Krusty, would you please turn your attention to Exhibit B. Uh-- Tell me what you see. Uh, uh-- Which one do you mean ? The one with the big "B" on it. Uh, uh, uh--

Cats! Flandereses! (CRYING OUT IN PAIN)

Bumblebee Man, mi tree house es su bee house. Reverend, love the cassock. Moleman, lookin' good. Very nice. Did you do the wiring yourself? Heck, no. The Amish did it. Who knows more about electricity than the Amish?

First one to the front of the bus gets Martin's lunch money. What? Go apple! Go orange! Go banana! Make way for grapefruit. Go grapefruit!

Guess what? There's a new place at the mall... that puts your picture on a T-shirt. I got two dollars off because mine got smeared.

Of all the people you have known... who might have reason to do you ill? Hmm. Well, there's Mr. Burns, Fat Tony... the emperor of Japan, ex-President Bush- The late Frank Grimes. PBS, Stephen Hawking, the fat little Dixie Chick. And the state of Florida.

Dad, the kids at school said my butt's big.

Ah, geez, there's always a line.

Fair enough. Hello, beautiful! In your dreams. We'll see about that. Hello, beautiful.

Oww! Where did I lose 'em? I'll never wiggle my bare butt in public again. I'd like to believe that this time. I really would. Bart, run down to the store and get a big bag of ice for your father. Yes'm. Dad, I know you're discouraged,

Yea! Here comes the Leader! What an honor. We've been called into the presence of-- Marge? You're the Leader? You don't look anything like the beans.

Welcome to T.G.I. McScratchy's, where it's constantly New Year's Eve. Here we go again. Three, two, one. Happy New Year!

Aw, sure there is. I knew it. If only I had nagged more. God is angry. We've made a false idol of this Brad Goodman. No. You must not blame yourself, Reverend. You must blame that little boy. He started it all. Get him!

if he has not left town by noon tomorrow. Wow, that's quite a threat! Do you have a song request? "Radar Love." If that thug thinks he can run me out of town-- Oh man, I love this song! I been drivin' all night and it's wet on the wheel

Would someone name a profession. Loser principal! Uh, I think I heard "California surfer." You suck, Seymour!

Oh, it's so beautiful! One churro, please. That'll be $14. Here.

Our first caller is from Shelbyville Heights. With all the suffering in the world do you ever wonder if God really exists? No. Not for a second. Not at all. Good conversation there. Our next call now is for the good rabbi. Hello?

Yeah. It better be! Hey! Homie, what's wrong? I'm used to seeing people promoted ahead of me-- friends, coworkers, Tibor. I never thought it'd be my own wife. Well, maybe you'd get promoted if you worked a little harder.

Let's go over the ground rules. You can't leave first until you chug a beer. Any man scoring has to chug a beer. Chug a beer at the top of all odd-numbered innings. And the fourth inning is the beer inning. Hey, we know how to play softball. Play ball!

Come on, Bart. If I can teach Maggie to waltz, I can teach you.

You are a wise woman. It is a shame you dress like a Lebanese prostitute. Return to the docks!

I'll teach you how to use a phone, you boob! Ring! Ring! Ring! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! - It's for you. - D'oh!

I feel that you should shut up. You know, you really irritate me, Skinner. What with your store-bought haircut and excellent posture.

Shh! You hit her pretty hard there, Rick.

This is Kent Brockman live from Barney's Bowlarama, where local pinhead, Homer Simpson, is on the verge of a perfect game! Hey, there was no accident at the plant. Dad just wanted to go bowling. He shouldn't have deceived me, but I'm just so relieved Lenny's okay.

you're sleeping on the lawn. Will you two shut up? People are trying to sleep!

On top of. Beneath. On top of. Beneath.

Hey, Marge! Keep yelling, you big ape. Aren't you being a little hard on old Homie? Oh, forget about him. Let's rehearse the bottle scene. Oh! Let's not and say we did. Hmm?

And then some. Look. I know this has been a stressful holiday. But in a way, having nothing reminds us how lucky we really are.

He's horny. He's the love-matic grampa - and he filled our hearts - with

That's a very nice jig, Kearney. Now isn't dancing much more fun than bullying? Yeah. That's it. I can't take this anymore, Milhouse. I gotta get the real teachers back. Bart, you'll never get Krabappel and Skinner together again.

Walking to hell and back again I guess it was a pretty funny prank. I like the ones where nothing catches on fire. Yeah. Nothing is hurt except feelings. Walking to hell And back again

james Woods. Previous job experience?

I don't want to own my own business. I don't know why I came here in the first place.

What the hell was I thinking?

(BLOWING WHISTLE)

D'oh! - D'Oh! - D'Oh! Whoo-hoo! Eww! Did you have to be so graphic?

Ooh, a redneck bar.

And as for you, I don't know you, but I'm sure you're a jerk!

just a minute, Van Houten. Somebody needs to guard this place tonight... so it doesn't get trashed. How'd you like to be night watchman? But I'm sleepy. Oh, no problemo. Here's a nickel for the coffee machine.

"Number one, break up with Squishee girl." Well, that's a no-brainer. "Number two, lose weight. "Number three, get cartoon published in New Yorker. "Number four, legally change name to 'Slime Q. Slimedog.' Number five, wear name tag that says same."

Shut up! I wasn't done yet. I'm just saying we could blow all our money... on a stupid little street, but--

No. Must resist temptation. Go ahead. Give in. Beer! Beer! Ooh. These cotton-poly blends are so comfortable.

Ping Ping just asked Sim Sim to marry him, and I think she just said yes. Aw. Ha! You ain't goin' nowhere, cutie.

Help! I don't have much time! That does it! I'm going in! Bart, no! Cool, man!

Never! Okay, you asked for it. I'm gonna enjoy this.

Oh, my God! He's got the precious cable-TV cable!

Oh, yuck. Meat loaf. My most hated of all loafs. That was the end piece! That's it! Being abusive to your family is one thing, but I will not stand idly by and watch you feed a hungry dog!

You will have the hat cleaned and then return it. Oh, Dad. I'm really sorry. I know how much you wanted to be in the parade. Oh, it's not your fault, honey. I'm supposed to be the responsible one.

Oh! And here's a picture of me in outer space. You... went into outer space? You? Sure. You've never been? Would you like to see my Grammy award?

Hello, Laverne. Hello, Laverne. Hello, Laverne.

Who the devil are you?

Duh, stay out of Riverdale! Without a Mayor Quimby our town would really stink

So I wanted to kick up my heels and indulge my sweet tooth. I feel like celebrating. Oh, it's you. What are you so happy about? I see. Smithers had thwarted my earlier attempt... to take candy from a baby, but with him out of the picture,

(MUMBLES) He's right, Chief. Inspector Wiggum, you are the most famous member of Scotland Yard. Why would you do this? Well, the fact is I wanted to come up with a case even you couldn't solve. And besides... So long, you stupid British twits! Oh!

I know how you like 'em, Homer.

Oh. And who is Warren Burke? He used to tune our piano before we got rid of it. He grew up in Mechanicsburg.

WILLIE: Look at me. I'm Milhouse. I tuck my shirt into me underpants. (ALL LAUGHING) WILLIE: I've got no friends. So I confide in Willie. (LAUGHING LOUDLY) (GIGGLING NERVOUSLY) Oh, that's good...

All I can give you are these chewable Prozac for kids. Your choice-- Manic-depressive Mouse or the Bluebird of Unhappiness.

He does not. Maggie, can you say "Daddy"? Daddy. Kitty. Kitty. Be-bop. Be-bop. Shove it. Shove it.

You didn't tell me you destroyed his memoirs. Never! Yea, Dad!

(CRYING) (PANTING) Mom! Dad! I'm so sorry I got you into this!

What is that? A quarter? A Chuck E. Cheese token? No! It's a Sacagawea dollar. You can trade it in at the bank for a real dollar! Huh?

The Catholic Church-- we've made a few changes.

Are there pirates in hell ? Yes. Thousands of them. Ooh, baby ! So what you're saying is, there's a downside to the afterlife. How does one steer clear of this abode of the damned ? By obeying the Ten Commandments. Ten simple rules that are easy to live by.

Uh, upstate New York. Really. Well, I'm from Utica, and I've never heard anyone use the phrase "steamed hams." Oh, not in Utica. No. It's an Albany expression. I see.

Yo, um, I must've, like, fallen on a bullet, and it, like, drove itself into my gut. Hey, don't worry. You don't have to make up stories here. Save that for court.

(GRUNTING) Whoa! Take my wallet and leave me alone! It's not fair. (SOBBING)

Men. Boo! Canceled.

D'oh! Oh, my God! It's burning up!

"Asleep at the switch"? I wasn't asleep. I was drunk! I believe you, Dad. Well, no matter what the paper says, I still have a job to do.

I don't have time for that. Welcome. I am honored to accept your waste. They're years ahead of us. Mom! Lise! Check it out. Dad's on TV.

No, they are our wives, they are our daughters, our sisters, our grandmas, our aunts, our nieces and nephews. Well, not our nephews. They are our mothers. And you know something, folks ? As ridiculous as this sounds, I would rather feel the sweet breath of my beautiful wife...

has been rated TV "G." This means there will be no raunchy NBC-style sex... or senseless CBS-style violence. So sit back and enjoy a night of worry-free-- What the fudge-- Oh, for Pete's sake!

Homer. and-- Marge. in holy matrimony. By the power vested in me by the state gaming commission, I pronounce you man and wife. Here's $10 worth of chips. You may kiss the bride.

Moe, I think he meant through nonviolent grassroots political action. Ah, geez. Really? You think so? All right, give 'em back! Everybody, give 'em back. Hey, hey! Who pulled the pin on this one?

Just some network executives. We have notes. Have you thought about Dave Chappelle? Destroy!

Excuse me, son. Wow! joe Namath. That's right. My car broke down in front of your house. Oh, I cannot believe you are here. Do you think maybe you could give me some pointers? Sure. There's only one thing you need to know... to be a great quarterback.

Very nice, Homer. Wow! How many Pulitzer Prize winners can do that?

Come back. Come back! Willie still loves ya, O Great One!

So, uh, you don't like the old-time bikes, huh?

Fly, my pretties, fly!

Wait a minute. Is he coming on to me? I mean, if I should slip something into your pocket, what's the harm? Oh, my God! He is coming on to me. After all, negotiations make strange bedfellows.

Wait, wait, wait. Here comes Lee Marvin. Thank God. He's always drunk and violent.

D'oh! Don't worry, Marge.

The ball is turning into a fat, bald guy. Aahh! oof! It's no good, and you know what we say... Every time something strange happens-- it's good that Bart did that. It's very good.

I think the metric system is the tool of the devil!

It's too big to be human. Send down a few kids. That should dislodge it. Roger. Doh ! I... can't... breathe ! Too many... chil... dren.

Why, there are no children here at the 4-H Club either. Am I so out of touch? No. It's the children who are wrong.

Ohhh... Oh, baby. Ahh.

...Cough syrup.

- Have you noticed any change in Bart? - New glasses? No. He looks like something might be disturbing him. Probably misses his old glasses. I guess we could get more involved in Bart's activities, but then I'd be afraid of smothering him. Yeah, and then we'd get the chair. That's not what I meant. It was, Marge. Admit it.

Most folk'll never lose a toe and then again, Some folk'll Like Cletus the Slack-jawed Yokel

No, say "Present." "Anita Bath." All right. Settle down. Anita Bath here? All right. Fine. Fine. Uh, "Maya Buttreeks."

Now you're swingin', honey. Darn it!

I'll tell you what's poisonous, your attitude. You know these... (GROANING) I'm dying! But at least people will always remember the expedition of Lewis and Clark and Tweedleburger... Also, if you're confronted by a mountain lion,

Yabba dabba doo! I like talkin' to you!

I'll never wash this hand again. Dad, make Bart wash his hand. Sorry, Lise. I no longer control the hand. The hand controls me! Dad! Shut up, you little monsters! Hello, I was wondering if you'd like to babysit my little angels.

In episode 2F09, when Itchy plays Scratchy's skeleton like a xylophone, he strikes the same rib twice in succession, yet he produces two clearly different tones. I mean, what are we-- to believe that this is some sort of a-- a magic xylophone or something?

You know, Conan, I have a lot to say. I'm not just a one-line wonder. Did you know... that a section of rain forest the size of Kansas is burned every single-- just do the line. I didn't do it. Great material.

No, no! What am I thinking? Burns and Teammate. - We made it, old friend! - We sure did. - Huzzah! - Whoo-hoo!

It's the imaginary tale where Radioactive Man marries Larvae Girl. Wow. Number nine. That's before Fallout Boy became his ward.

I'm not sure if I'm comfortable with the idea... of your classmates laughing at our family's private moments. How would you like it if 20 years from now... people were laughing at things you did? Not likely. Come on. Have a sense of humor about yourself. I'm a big boy today.

Oh, people can come up with statistics to prove anything, Kent. Forty percent of all people know that. I see. What do you say to the accusation... that your group has been causing more crimes than it's been preventing? Oh, Kent, I'd be lying if I said my men weren't committing crimes. Hmm, touchÉ.

They make The Blue Man Group look like Mummenschanz, which is still pretty good. Oh, the second one wants custard, too? That's a little repetitive.

That painting has always sparked my imagination. That's it! A novel about whaling! That's something you haven't seen before. Thank you, Scene From Moby-Dick.

Lisa Simpson ! Lisa, there's no room for crazy bebop in "My Country 'Tis of Thee." But Mr. Largo, that's what my country's all about. What ? I'm wailing out for the homeless family living out of its car. The Iowa farmer whose land has been taken away by unfeeling bureaucrats. The West Virginia coal miner, coughing up--

Duff Gardens! Home of the Whiplash! To be completed in 1994.

Look, Marge, that guy has the same last name we do. Taxi!

Hey, it was all a coincidence. Yup! There's your answer, fish bulb. Well, it was a good ride while it lasted. Come on, kids. Let's go home. We are home. That was fast.

Ach du lieber! Raccoons!

I asked you before the game... if you knew the rules, and you said you did. judges. Run, Mom. She ain't gettin' the home version.

Where are the dice? Daddy says dice are wicked. We just move one space at a time. It's less fun that way. Moth! Moth! Moth! Moth! Moth! Moth! Don't worry. A moth is no more harmful than a ladybug. A ladybug?

What'd you get that for? For knocking Mr. Burns out of a third-story window. Makes sense to me. Did he die? What am I, a doctor?

'Cause I took my marriage for granted. You know, in 12 years, I never once helped out with the housework. Oh, yeah, you gotta do that. I could have at least stayed in shape for her. Oh, and for yourself. I could have taken just a little time to-- to make her feel special. It can't just be sex. It can't!

Dad, remember how you said that going to Itchy and Scratchy Land would be too damned expensive? Everything's too damn expensive these days. Look at this Bible I just got. Fifteen bucks! And talk about a preachy book. Everybody's a sinner, except for this guy.

Uh-huh. Oh... just promise me you won't play any more practical jokes. I promise. Mama. Mama. Maggie, you talked!

Uh, Milhouse, give him back his soul! I've got work tomorrow! I'm really sorry. I kinda traded your soul to the guy at the comic book store. But look-- I got some cool pogs. Alf pogs! Remember Alf? He's back, in pog form! You traded my soul for pogs?

Will you shut up? Hey, I thought you never talked. Uh, I didn't mean to. Huh. It just slipped out. Oh, God! Now Penn's gonna beat me. Folks, it's all part of the act. No, it isn't. Don't leave me alone with him! You've ruined the act! I'm gonna kill you! He'll do it. I'm not the first Teller.

What? I'm not fat enough already? How could you say that to me? (CRYING) Lisa, wait! (GRUNTING)

And they read Newsweek instead of nothing! Come on, you gloomy Gusses. Who's up for a big bowl on nonfat ice milk? I want wintergreen. Unflavored for me.

Da. How can you get a buzz chewing freeze-dried beer? - Wha-- - Huh? It's Suds McDuff! With a shuttle craft of genuine draft! Whoo-ha! Ooh! A party.

J Long after the viewer's J J interest is gone J J Oh, yeah, Weird A/ had fan on this showJ J Even if it was just a brief cameo JJ

But seven goes into 28 four times. Uh-- This is a magic seven!

we must suffer through the Apocalypse.

Yep. Almost got tenure too. No! Not Brown! Brown. Brown. Brown. Lisa, you're saying "Brown" an awful lot. Are you okay?

Lisa! Lisa! Hey, Lisa! They're only using you for your pool, you know. Shut up, brain. I got friends now. I don't need you anymore.

On account of my eye patch,

Gavin, don't you already have this game?

Well, I would prefer we kept your marriage a secret. A lot of women are going to want to have sex with you, and, uh, we want them to think they can. Well, if I explain it to Marge that way, I'm sure she'll understand.

Check for millipedes.

So how about a movie tomorrow night? Sounds great. I think Ned is gonna be all right.

Eyes stinging! Good Lord! Acid rain! I'm singin' in the rain Just singin' in the rain What a glorious feelin' It burns like a Glasgow bikini wax!

Now we'll begin by-- Oops. Ah, did you see that jerk? Dropped his notes!

Now, now, I won't hear of it, Moe. You're a fabulous catch. Oh, yeah? Well, uh, how come I ain't... fending off movie starlets with a pointy stick? Oh, it's probably due to your ugliness.

Hm. Hm. Hm. Mmm! Mmm! Forbidden doughnut. Hmm? Well, well. Finishing something?

Your problem is you never think of anyone besides yourself.

Good morning, everybody ! Good morning, Springfield ! Dimoxinil ! Whoo-hoo !

where, after eight months and nine Academy Awards, The itchy and Scratchy Movie is showing for the last time. Tomorrow, a new movie starring Liza Minnelli and Mickey Rourke will open. Will it be as successful? Only time will tell.

then pushed a criminal in front of it. Find this dog. I want to make him my executive vice president. Uh, yes, sir. In the meantime, here's Frank Grimes. The self-made man? What? Oh, yes, that fellow. just put him somewhere out of the way.

If you've committed a crime and you want to confess, click "yes." Otherwise click "No." You have chosen "No," meaning you've committed a crime but don't want to confess. A paddy wagon is now speeding to your home. Hey!

Burn, burn, burn! Burn, burn, burn!

The following neighborhood residents... will not be killed by me: Ned Flanders, Maude Flanders. Oh, isn't that nice? Homer Simpson, Marge Simpson, Lisa Simpson, that little baby Simpson. That is all. Whoo-hoo! Did you hear, Bart?

a world where doors were open for women like me. But Abe was stuck in his button-down... Plastic Fantastic Madison Avenue scene. Look at them sideburns! He looks like a girl. Now, johnny Unitas-- there's a haircut you could set your watch to. So, Mother Simpson, where did your newfound sense of irresponsibility take you?

Larry Flynt is right! You guys stink!

is 'cause nobody else would! Watch this, Lise. You can actually pinpoint the second when his heart rips in half. And... now. Ohhh. Lisa, not all romances turn out that way.

Let me ask you this: Does your money ever hug you when you come home at night? Why, no. And does it ever say "I love you"? No, it doesn't. Nobody loves you Nobody loves you You're old and you're ugly Way to go, Homer!

I want fugu ! Aaah ! Hmm, fan-fugu-tastic ! Oh, no !

(SINGING DRUNKENLY) Oh, you poor man. You think you can dance. I didn't say stop. (CONTINUES SINGING DRUNKENLY)

Jonathan Livingston Seagull! We're on a collision course! Hard to starboard! Uh, port? Aye. Port.

What am I gonna do ? I've murdered us all ! I've murdered us all ! I've murdered us all ! Shut up ! Shut up ! Shut up ! D-oh ! D-oh ! D-oh !

Lean on me when you're not strong and I'll be your friend I'll help you Carry on For it won't be long

My bongo drums! My strobe light! My Best of Ray Stevens Featuring "The Streak" album. So it was the dog that buried all our stuff. Yes, the dog.

Good morning, Agnes. Mmm. Mmm, how's your new son working out? That child is the most disobedient, smart-alecky, middle-aged man in creation! Hello, ladies. Is this the line for people who wanna bad-mouth Sergeant Skinner?

I'm sorry. I know it's wrong. I messed everything up! And now I don't have any dogs at all! There, there. Shut up, boy. We'll just get you a new dog. I don't want a new dog! I want Santa's Little Helper! Well, crying isn't gonna bring him back, unless your tears smell like dog food.

Our next budget item, $12 for doorknob repair. Nay! Recharge fire extinguishers. This is a free service of the fire department. Nay!

Twenty-three skidoo.

I'm mourning. Stupid dead woman. On top of spaghetti all covered with cheese I loSt my poor meatball-- If you don't mind! We're on our way to a funeral. Ding dong the witch is dead Which old witch The wicked witch Homer!

Would we? Oh, I love to perambulate It's standing still I really hate So let me please reiterate I love to-- - D'oh! Oh, my feet are inside me.

Superintendent Chalmers, can I offer you a cup of coffee-flavored Bevarine? Yes. I take it gray, with Creamium.

It's a fairy tale.

"I engaged in intercourse with your spouse or significant other." Now, that's psychiatry! Huh? Huh?

- JJ - Yeah! But there's lots of other fun instruments, like bass. I hope you wont judge the entire Brian Setzer Orchestra by my actions. Rock and roll is supposed to be about peace and love. - Who said that? - Will you stop saying that? - Simpson! - S h h _

I want to thank my guests, TÉa Leoni, Beck-- The Dixie Chicks-- Merry Christmas, y'all. and Patrick Ewing as the genie. So have a merry Christmas, happy Hanukkah, "kwazy" Kwanzaa, a tip-top Tet...

You killed me! Hey, n-no. No, y-you ain't dead. Y-Y-you're just in jail. Oh, right.

Hurry up, son. I'm sorry. I can't read! Mrs. Krabappel never taught me to read! Is this true, Edna? Oh, God! I've created a Prankenstein! Wait! That boy is lying! He's not illiterate! And he's good around the potty too!

When you turn out the light I've got to hand it to me Looks like it's me and you again tonight, Marjorie Mmm.

The only thing I'm high on is love--

Well, I believe you're required to provide a vegetarian alternative. Yum. It's rich in bunly goodness. Do you remember when you lost your passion for this work? Uh-oh. Two independent thought alarms in one day.

Right about now, you're probably saying, "Troy, I've seen every Simpsons episode.

That arranged can be. Wha-- Aaah!

You don't win friends with salad You don't win friends with salad You don't win friends with salad You don't win friends with salad You don't win friends with salad You don't win friends with salad You don't win friends with salad You don't win friends with salad - You don't win friends with salad Mom!

Bart's teacher is named Krabappel? I've been calling her Crandall. Why didn't someone tell me? Oh, I've been making an idiot out of myself!

jump, Free Willy! jump. jump with all your might. Ahh-- Oh, no. Willy didn't make it! And he crushed our boy!

to have and to hold, in sickness and in health... till death do you part? I do.

who, with some cajoling, will pass it along to him, or at least give him the gist of it. Sir, a lot of people are stroking guns.

I have nothing to offer you but my love. I specifically said "no geeks." But my mom says I'm cool. Next.

(SNORING) Jim-Jam, what happened to the wheel covers of my landing gear? Me-sa sell them to buy me-sa some space spliff. That character is just a tired stereotype.

Ooh, right next to the boss. Aw, he'll never know who did it.

Well, it's time to get to work. Humanitarian Homer Simpson, over and out. Gather round, everyone. I'm gonna teach you about religion. Oh, God, oh, God, oh, God--

Come on, Bart. Ride me. I better not. He's insulting both of us. Let's go.

I'm sorry, Lisa. People go to a children's dance recital... expecting a certain level of professionalism. But-But you don't understand-- I ate too much plastic candy. Heavens to betsy. The star of the show is sick. Whatever will we do? There's only one person who can get us out of this pickle. Lisa?

You're just mad because everyone in this town loves gambling except for you! Well, that's just sad.

Grampa, I need some advice. Did you ever have a crush on an older woman? I had a crush on the oldest woman. 120 years old, she was. Here's a picture of her delivering Eubie Blake. What happened? She fell in with that Guinness Book of Records crowd.

Excellent. Not a trace of urine. Seymour, you run a tight ship. Well, you know what they say, sir. "Where there's no smoke, there's no fire." What an odd remark. Why, that looks like a 50-cent piece. I'll just bend over and get it. Seems to be caught...

Moe, don't throw out that brine. But first, a man whose inspiring battle with Percodan addiction... is soon to be a movie of the week-- Krusty the Clown! I'll be played by jimmy Smits. Now he faces his toughest audience--

Whee! Well, if it isn't little-- uh, boy.

I did not come to this country illegally to see it mocked. There's the boy who bared his bottom to Old Glory and the family that applauds his every moonery!

- Grampa, come on. - Dead! Dead! Dead! Dead! Dead! Dead! All right, Grampa. I'll help you get your license back. Whoo-hoo! And I want driving gloves. No way! Dead! Dead! Dead! Dead!

And you also want me to find a little boy. That's right. I don't think there is a boy or a husband. I think you have a thing for me. Arg! I've been shot! I am flattered, but I do not swing that way. I have another itch.

If somebody's in here, you're in for some serious ass forkin'! Huh. Well, maybe they're in the media room.

Bart, you should warn people this episode is very frightening. Maybe they'd rather listen to that old War of the Worlds broadcast on N.P.R., hmm? - Yes, Mother. - Good. Now, you hold Maggie. I'm going to buy some earrings at the gift shop.

Well, to them I say-- Oh beautiful For spacious skieS For amber waves of grain One, two, three, four! Left A good Job in the city workin' For the mAn eveRy night and day

Whew! Well, at least I got a hunk of Moe's hair. Man, that smarts!

- You won more than you bargained for. - Whoo-hoo!

I recommend a slow, steady gorging process... combined with assal horizontology. Of course. You'll want to focus on the neglected food groups, such as the whipped group, the congealed group... and the chocotastic.

Ah, don't worry, Homer. You know me. And I'm a superstar at the cracker factory.

That Urkel's a hoot. Listen to 'em. Watching my television, sitting on my couch. You'd better not be in my ass groove! Homer! It took me years to forge that groove. One of them's playing my saxophone. Oh, no. The spit valve!

Tonight on Eye on Springfield, opening day at the world's first two-story Outhouse. Oh, God! Stop! A comedy nurse who's laughing all the way to the blood bank. Okay. How many of you are here for shoulder surgery, huh?

Mindy! Uh-- Oh, no, I'm sweating like Roger Ebert. Mu-- Murphy, youse-- You are a elf-- Uncontrollably, I think--

I can't help it if I donated the most blood. Ohh. I'm feeling kinda woozy.

Lanley hired me to build his monorail. He cut corners everywhere-- bad wiring, faulty brakes.

Homer, Mr. Burns gave me another raise today. The senile old fool. - You're fired! - You can't fire me just because I'm married. I'm going to sue the pants off you. You don't have to sue me to get my pants off.

You dunking your sausages in that syrup, homeboy? Marge, tell Bart I just want to drink a nice glass of syrup like I do every morning.

Oh, can we keep him, dad, please ? But he's a loser ! He's pathetic ! He's-- A Simpson.

Mr. Maestro. Oh I could love a million girls And every girl a twin Yeah I could love a Chinese girl An Eskimo or Finn I could dig a Deutschland chick a girl with golden curls

Floor feels a little gritty here. Yeah. We ran out of floorboards there, so we painted the dirt. Pretty clever! Oh, something is definitely wrong with this hallway. Come on in! It's your master bedroom!

Hmm? Let's see, a sweater, a custom floor mat-- the stereo! Theft alert. Deploy air bag. Yaah! Best hand of my life and I can't even--

Uh, these aren't real X-rays, are they? Good question! We'll check into that. Okay. X-ray machine to full power, and... action! Uh, sir, why don't you just use real cows?

or go to hell!"

Nyah-nyah, nyah-nyah, la, la, la...

Look at that man. He has the crowd in the palm of his hand. Ah, haven't seen anything like it since jolson. Who is he ?

When Bob broadcast that message, his voice was higher than normal. And what makes your voice high? - Tight, binding underwear? - Helium! Sideshow Bob is in the Duff blimp! All Springfield trembles before the might of Sideshow Bob.

Wave of the future! That's right, honey.

Bringing in the sheaves Bringing in the Oh, my Lord. Something horrible has happened! Fooled ya, Flanders. Made you think your family was dead.

Who the devil are you? Don't panic. just come up with a good story. My name is Mr. Burns. D'oh!

Marge! What a lovely surprise. You're here to see me, right? Of course. Hey, way to go, Homer! Way to go!

This will never happen again. You can have anything you want. You can sleep on my bed, you can chew on slippers. Yeah, he's a good doggie.

Oh! This may surprise you, but you can't buy me off with food. I'm sick of all your stereotypes and cheap jokes. The overweight individuals in this country... are just as smart and talented and hardworking as everybody else. And they're gonna make their voices heard.

the "I didn't do it" boy, ventriloquist loni Anderson, Ooh! Spike Lee, and the always lovely and vivacious head of Kitty Carlisle. Hi, everybody! Let's start the game!

Mother. Superintendent Chalmers! Skinner!

Uh, good evening, um, young man. My name is Charles Norwood. Furthermore, to this beer, I would also like three of your finest, cheapest cigars. Here's my I.D. which confirms my "adultivity."

Hmm. No. No. No. No. I think we can do without the crack pipe.

I admit I used the city treasury to fund the murder of my enemies. But as Gabbo would say, "I'm a bad widdle boy."

Yeah, you can't have any fun in bed. Oh, son, when you're older, you'll know better. Mmm. Oh, baby. Mmm. Yeah.- Oh, they're here.

Makes me wish I hadn't released the hounds. Should I call them off, sir? No, no. It's their Christmas too.

They're like this every rainy day.

Think unsexy thoughts. Think unsexy thoughts. Think unsexy thoughts.

Ready for that drink, sir? just a second. Let me introduce you to the gang. That's Buzz, that's Honey. And you see that queen? Her name is Smithers.

Mmm, chocolate. D'oh! Marge, we need some more vanilla, chocolate and strawberry ice cream. I'll get some at the store tomorrow, Homer.

This is the happiest day of my life-- Hi-yi-ya! Got it! No shock for me! Oh, yeah? Whoa! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!

Good thing you turned on that TV, Lisa. I didn't turn it on. I thought you turned it on. No. Well, anyway, turn it off. It is off.

Thirteen bucks ? Hey, wait a minute. That's right. $120 gross. Less Social Security, less unemployment insurance, - less Santa training... - Santa training ? less costume purchase, less beard rental, less Christmas club. But-- But-- See ya next year. Ohh ! Come on, Dad. Let's go home.

"Postcard image, thing to see..." (RUMBLING) Gotta go, sweetie! But I didn't read my poem! Here's a poem. Run fast or lose your ass! (ALL SCREAMING)

ANNOUNCER: And now, here's Roofi! Sing the nonsense song with me Yum yum wow Woop de we Flibberty flabberty one two three Ow! Okay, who threw that? Who threw it?

Oh, sorry, folks. Gee, I really hate to spoil this little love-in, but Mr. Malloy broke the law. And when you break the law, you gotta go to jail. That reminds me. Here's your monthly kickback. You just-- You couldn't have picked a worse time.

Broke again, eh, Herb? Just like in real life. I guess you're just not much of a businessman.

I can't believe how much we have in common. We're both studying the environment, we're both utterly humorless about our vegetarianism, and we both love the Rolling Stones. Yes, not For their music, but for their tireless efforts to preserve historic buildings.

I'm afraid that would violate the fire code. Hey, fatty! I got a movie for ya. A Fridge Too Far. Shame on all of you. Give me my dignity. I just came here to see Honk if You're Horny! in peace. Sir, if you just quiet down, I'd be happy to treat you to a garbage bag full of popcorn.

while you spend the afternoon watching unpredictable Mexican sitcoms. ¡Ay, el estÓmago! Run along, you little scamp.

A tape on the bed? Marge, if you're watching this, then it means I've figured out how to work the camera. Last night I crashed a certain fake prom. That's right. Artie Ziff's fake prom.

If he's got everything where it should be I'm reeling him in.

but the gas costs 1.49 and eight-tenths. Eight-tenths? Donny's Discount Gas! Thanks for swinging by the house, Reverend. Donny! What? Did you see a man being chased by some young hooligans? I see lots of stuff. Did you see that?

Happy first "A" Bart Simpson Happy first "A" To you Hey! Yes!

There goes my turn.

If it doesn't fit, you must acquit. Therefore, I shall resign the presidency. That's one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind.

I have a "to do" pile?

Ow! That's it! Dad, that was really mean. I know, sweetie. And I got him right in the-- Uh-oh! Uh, hi, Flanders. Go, Wildcats. Do you have a problem with the way I'm coaching?

This enormous woman will devour us all! Aaah! I-- I meant the statue.

Hey, Clinton, get back to work. Make me. They're having a great time, and I'm stuck in here.

Why all the black? Why all the pearls? Why all the hair? Why anything?

Wait! You want an alien? This is your alien! Hello, children. I bring you love. It's a monster! Kill it! Kill it! It's not a monster. It's Mr. Burns. Oh, it's Mr. Burns. Kill it! Kill it!

I can't believe we paid to see a band... with Steve Guttenberg, Calista Flockhart, and Farty the Crippled Robot. Look who's in my fart-- O.J. I'm gonna kill you all. Aaah. Aaah. Aaah. Cartoon violence! Cartoon violence!

What do you mean? You've clearly taken items from the candy rack and placed them... on top of the doughnut in an attempt to pass them off as sprinkles. Well, it was like that when I got here. It really was! A Mounds bar is not a sprinkle. A Twizzler is not a sprinkle. A jolly Rancher is not a sprinkle, sir. Perhaps in Shangri-la they are, but not here.

Uh, so anyway, uh, the main thing is to bring in the rubes. Do whatever it takes-- Sweet talk, insults, slang from the '30s that no one uses anymore. Like "rubes"? Now you're on the trolley. Well, we gotta get. Here's the money box. Any questions? Uh, yes. How do we handle refunds?

Kent Brockman at the Action News desk. A massive tanker has run aground on the central coastline... spilling millions of gallons of oil on Baby Seal Beach. Oh, no! It'll be okay, honey. There's lots more oil where that came from.

Puma Pride! Puma Pride! Catch the fever, Skinner! You crumb bum!

those snakes will be in here like Oprah on a baked ham. Oh, good idea. Let's see-- bass, bass. Tiny Tim, The Chipmunks' Greatest Hits, A Castrato Christmas.

Right. Do you know what a wet willie is? - Is it this? - Hey, baby! How about puttin' your finger in my ear? Well, I don't know. Your boyfriend looks like the jealous type. Hey, what the-- That chick's messin' with our minds. Let's get out of here.

They're attacking again. I thought we had a truce. Just because you keep saying it doesn't make it so. Oh, my word. Eat this!

Can you say "Mama"? Can you say "get bent"? Bart! Mr. Rogers says it all the time. He does not. Maggie, can you say "Daddy"? Daddy. Kitty. Kitty. Be-bop. Be-bop.

Willie, must you do that now? Ach! You want streaks? 'Cause if you interrupt me, that's what you'll get! Oh.

Burns would can my butt in no time flat. Ooh ! A thousand bucks. So what ? To Mr. Burns, that's one less ivory back scratcher.

What kind of warped human being would find that funny ?

Yabba-dabba-doo! Simpson, Homer Simpson He's the greatest guy in history From the town of Springfield

Look ! Look ! Good morning, Springfield ! Good morning, Mr. and Mrs. Winfield ! Why don't you get a haircut, you hippie ! Good morning, Moe's Tavern ! Hey ! It's the president ! Good morning, everybody ! Good morning ! Good morning, everybody !

I'd like the Department of Missing Babies. Please hold. Baby, come back listen, baby you can blame it all on me I was wrong, and I just can't live without you...

in a little town called Springfield. T.G.I.F.! Guys, I'm off to Moe's. But, Homer, it's 10:00 in the morning. Don't worry. I have a plan. I saw this in a movie about a bus that had to speed around the city... keeping its speed over 50. And if its speed dropped, it would explode.

He'll tell you that in nature one creature invariably eats another to survive. Don't kid yourself, jimmy.

Um, excuse me. Isn't there anything here that doesn't have meat in it? Possibly the meat loaf. Well, I believe you're required to provide a vegetarian alternative. Yum. It's rich in bunly goodness.

Uh-oh, acid rain again. Oh!

- na-na, na-na, na-na, na-na - fishing

agonizing struggle through life was tragically cut short, I am sure he's looking down... from heaven right now-- Change the channel, Marge. That's our Homer.

Smithers, I've designed a new plane. I call it the Spruce Moose, and it will carry 200 passengers... from New York's Idlewild Airport to the Belgian Congo in 17 minutes!

Trust in yourself and you can achieve anything.

Pitt, the Elder. Lord Palmerston! Pitt, the Elder! Okay, you asked for it, Boggs. Uh! Yeah, that's showing him, Barney. Pitt, the Elder. Lord Palmerston!

Bart, no! Cool, man!

Bart, are you okay? Yeah, I think so. It's just a bump on my head.

Look at this, Scully. There's been another unsubstantiated U.F.O. sighting in the heartland of America. We've gotta get there right away. Well, gee, Mulder. There's also this report of a shipment of drugs... and illegal weapons coming into New jersey tonight. I hardly think the F.B.I.'s concerned with matters like that.

Ha! You ain't goin' nowhere, cutie.

Take that! In the face! You knocked his block off! Come with me. Check it out. I built myself a healthy apple. But you made it out of ham cubes.

Marge, I'm gonna give you the card of our juvenile counselor. A tombstone? It came with the burial plot. But that's not important. The important thing is Homer is dead. We've been saving for this since your wedding day. Get out of here, you ghouls!

Out of the way, you! Ahhh.

"World's biggest pizza"?

- That's why I faked my death. - But we saw your plane crash. Yeah, but I wasn't in it. just before I hit the mountain, I jumped out of the plane... into a carefully placed net.

And South American sensation, Shooshisha-- Shooshashi-- Shoosh-- Oh, boy! Uhh! Now, stay tuned for a video Christmas card... from Tupac Shakur. Hey, I thought Krusty was jewish.

I'm riding a unicycle with my pants down. This should be every boy's dream. Ha-ha! Your dad's not handy. Son, are you okay? I brought a homemade first aid kit! It's spring-loaded for quick access.

Tiempo para "relaxar" en paz y quieto. ¡Ay! iNaranjas en la cabeza! Whoa!

Went by the name of Homer. Seven feet tall he was, with arms like tree trunks. And his eyes were like steel, cold and hard. Had A shock of hair, red, like the fires of hell.

So i guess you are my hero

Whoa! That's good Squishy. What's it like, Bart? Bart? Bart? Give me that!

"'Tis better to remain silent and be thought a fool... than to open your mouth and remove all doubt." What does that mean? You better say something, or they'll think you're stupid. Takes one to know one! Swish!

Yeah. The legend of the dog-faced woman. Legend of the dog-faced woman.

Nelson, what are you doing? I'm solving world hunger. Hey, you're wrecking it! What the-- Look out! It's gonna blow!

Oh, I don't like where this is going. Your story made everyone at the orphanage so sad. We want you to have this dollar we were saving. Please, I don't deserve this. Hey, listen up, everybody. The Simpsons are the best friends I ever had. So I'm giving them the tip jar from the bar.

Dang fools. Drive-through's not for a-Parkin'. Diane, I'm going to take my break now. Hi, everybody!

Whoo-hoo. Go, S.U.! A&M is gonna kick your ivy-covered butts. Yeah? Well, you went to a cow college. Oh, you're only calling us a cow college 'cause we were founded by a cow.

Mr. Burns, if you don't mind, I've prepared a little musical number for jack's special night.

Dad, I know you think you're happy now, but it's not gonna last forever. Everything lasts forever.

No, Lisa. The only monster here is the gambling monster... that has enslaved your mother! I call him Gamblor! And it's time to snatch your mother from his neon claws! Marge! Where are you? Damn this casino!

Oh! Handwritten script for Star Wars by George Lucas? Princess Leia's anti-jiggle breast tape. Film reel labeled, "Alternate Ending: Luke's Father is Chewbacca"?

All right, cow boy. I'll see you in "moo-nicipal" court. Good one, Chief. What? What'd I say?

Simpson! Even for a bowler, you're fat. Hey, guys. Is it normal to see Burns's face on a bowling ball? Ah, actually, I'd say you're having a severe psychotic episode. Oh, what a rotten day! Wow! A strike!

The fingers you have used to dial are too fat. To obtain a special dialing wand,

J But then the ocean took you backJ J My jelly, i ii miss youJ J For nowJ J i justp J Hold goo JJ

The Catholic Church-- we've made a few changes.

Say it, Frenchy! Say "chowdah"! Never! Okay, you asked for it. I'm gonna enjoy this.

Stop it! Stand still! Maybe I can pop it back in. Oh, no. I'm going to preserve the evidence until Mom and Dad get home. And you'll never babysit again!

My sweet embraceable you

- I don't want it. - Friggin' kids. - Look, pal,

That quilt was made by my grandmother! So... it cost you nothing. Shut up! You two are not only horrible parents, you're violent criminals. And I'm gonna lock you up till frogs do fractions.

Arr! This picture will serve me well on those lonely nights at sea.

It's sad and alarming. You were designed to alert schoolchildren about snow days and such. Well, let's get you home to Frinky. Hope your wheels still work. Oh, no, you don't.

Bolshevism! Sheer bolshevism! Ripe for the quashing! (GRUNTING) You're suspended without pay. Take your clacking balls and go. And on your way out, remove all the fillings you got under our dental plan.

Sir, she is not an alcoholic. You can't put me on hold! I'll put you on hold! I am a lineman for the county Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold. And I drive the main road There are eight calls ahead of you.

You are fully bonded and licensed by the city, aren't you, Mr. Plow? Shut up, boy.

Patience, my pet. And the Americans jump out to an early lead. Although we should point out... that many of the other women represent countries that don't have swimming pools.

Let's see. I rigged the mayoral elections, I tried to blow up Springfield with a nuclear device, and I tried to kill you. Oh, yeah, yeah. And whenever I could find a spare moment, I've tried to murder... Bart Simpson. He said "tried"!

"Moon Pie." What a time to be alive. Hey, who unplugged my freezer? Return to your state of living death at once, sir. Is that you, Apu? Whoa! Time has ravaged your once-youthful looks.

That's a good thing.

He's a one-and-only. He invented the pie fight, the pratfall and the seltzer bottle, as far as I know. Dad, it was bad enough when you tried to pass yourself off as Tom Bosley, but Krusty? You weren't complaining when I got you this close to Chachi. What's a Chachi?

I don't need any serving suggestions from you, you barbecue-wrecking, know-nothing, know-it-all. That's it! I can't live in a house with this prehistoric carnivore! I am out of here! That's it! Go to your room!

- Good shot, Toddsky. - Luck.

Lullaby and good night Go to bed and sleep tight Close your eyes Start to yawn Pleasant dreams until the dawn

Please, Krusty, this is very demeaning. Shut up and conduct!

You missed the baby. You missed the blind man.

Hey. Take that. Take this. Come here, you little squirt.

I call it Billy and the Clone-osaurus. Oh, you have got to be kidding, sir. First you think of an idea that has already been done. Then you give it a title that nobody could possibly like. Didn't you think this through? ...on the best-seller list for 18 months! Every magazine cover had it! ...most popular movies of all time, sir! What were you thinking?

No, it's not that. Didn't you hear? They have no bananas! They have no bananas today!

Die, die, everybody die. What's goin' on out here ? Homer, Bart, Lisa, Maggie, stop it !

"Rusty" the Clown? Ah, Springfield gets the lamest balloons. Are you kidding? There's Funky Winkerbean! Over here, Funky!

Hmm. Which one of these is the salt? Too bad I'm an idiot 'cause my school closed. Oh, well. No! That's the rat poison! And freeze. Now, who in Springfield will eat the poisoned broth? Oh, it could be anyone. Even Mr. Burns.

The geek shall inherit the earth.

Today only, we'll throw in a free autograph. But wait! There's more! Hello, this is Tom Clancy.

This profession can put a lot of strain on a marriage. Since he's been gone, I've been looking for a substitute... to teach me a lesson I sorely need. Mrs. Krabappel, you're trying to seduce me. Well ?

And now, Peter Frampton! Thanks, Homer. Homer Simpson, everyone!

Here's your money. You know, the problem here was water leakage. If you just buy a fifty-cent washer-- I've got a better idea. Get the hell out! Look, I've got some washers in my truck. I'll give you one. Marge, get my gun.

Hey, Blink-182l We have names, you know. Whatever. You can crank it up.

The paparazzi? I thought we fooled them with our Cher-crow. J Gypsies, tramps and thievesJ J We'd hear it from the people JJ Are you aware that your daughter's gay? - Boy, those guys are such leeches. - Moe, what are you doing here? Cant your old buddy Moe stop by with a list of questions from the Weekly World News?

Think of the children. Won't somebody please think of the children!

Seems like I'm spending all my money on religious pay-per-view. Or, as I like to call it, "pray-per-view." Damn your sparkling wordplay! And bless your humble home.

Mr. Devereaux, I can't work under these conditions. Have it your way, baby. You're fired. Oh, Avery. Call me Mr. Devereaux. We interrupt Search for the Sun for this bulletin.

Let the bears pay the bear tax. I pay the Homer tax. That's the homeowner tax. Well, anyway, I'm still outraged.

Can you take me to school, please? Not right now. Your father's in there, and-- Did you ever see that Blue Man Group? Oh, he's on the Blue Man Group again. Come on. We've got lots of time.

Here's our room. Homer, you're supposed to slide those doors open. I don't have time for that.

Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Whee! Okay. We have our choice of Rectangle Land, Cube Country or Squaresville. Squaresville sounds pretty cool.

When I waS 17 i drank some very good beer i drank some very good beer I purchased with a fake i.D. My name was BriaN mcgee

Huh? Whoa-ho-ho-ho!

I'm afraid so, yes. Ooh. I am Homer Simpson-- Silence, sinner! Prepare for an eternity of horrible pain! Oh, no! Oh!

This isn't an island. It's a peninsula. (DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING) (GASPING) This was supposed to be about trust! (SOBBING) I just want to get on that boat and go home! Well, you don't need a boat because you can walk. (WAILING) Yeah. What do those women expect?

Oh, come on. It plays itself! Pac-Man fever Doo-doo-doo-doo It's a-driving me crazy Look, Lisa. Daddy's in the Who.

Yay! Whee! It's a miracle no one was hurt.

It's Basinger. Oh, my God. I'm such a huge, huge fan of yours, Miss "Basin-Jer." Thanks. Um, listen. You think you could slide over a little? Well, I am a married man. You're crushing my husband. Billy Baldwin! I'm Alec Baldwin. Could you get off me?

Bart ! Bart ! Bastard, bastard, bastard "2148." This is it. Excuse me, is this an orphanage ? Ooh, you're a little late, pal. They tore down the orphanage thirty-odd years ago. Thirty years ! I'll never find him. I'm doomed to walk through this life alone !

I-it's my first day. Since I've never seen you before, maybe it is your first day. - Very well. Carry on. - Uh, sir, that's Homer Simpson. And he's been working here for 10 years. Oh, really! Why did you think you could lie to me? It's my first day. Well, why didn't you sa-- Oh, whoo! You're fired!

Little Lisa's sweater. Little Homer's sausage. What in the name of holy hell is going on here? Oh, it's true. We weren't robbed. That part we made up, but the rest is true.

And there's one Itchy and Scratchy cartoon I don't think we'll ever forget.

Hmm. That still wouldn't explain what I'm seeing here.

Welcome ft? Matinee of Blood and Commercials. i am your hostess, BcKyberella. Our first fright flick is 1983 's .. Frankenstein and the Harlem Globetrotters... Meet the Mummy and the Washington Generals. I cant just sit here watching this junk. That's better.

To plead "not guilty," press one now. Thank you. Your plea has been-- Rejected. You will be assessed the full fine plus a small-- Large lateness penalty. Please wait by your vehicle between 9:00 a.m. and 5:00 p.m... for parking officer Steve-- Grabowski.

Where they belong-- TV's Matlock! We love you, Matlock Oh yes, we do

We'll miss you, Geezer Rock. (SPITS) (GASPING) Quickly, Smithers, re-hydrate me.

You know, at my age, the mind starts playing tricks. So-- Aah! Death! That's only the cat. Oh. Aah! Death! - That's Maggie again, Grampa. - Oh. Where were we? Death! How come it won't stop hurting?

I'm whizzin' with the door open, and I love it.

Mmm, semi-imported. Keep 'em coming.

Let's start in the kitchen. Now, pretend I'm a baby. Me like to explore. That's a pretty big caboose for a baby. Homer, don't be-- Wow, that is huge.

Whoa! Excellent, Marge! Yes!

Principal Seymour Skinner. Apu Nahasapeemapetilon. Eh, never fit on a marquis, luv. From now on your name is Apu de BeaumarchÉ. It is a great dishonor to my ancestors and my god, but okay.

Uh, we're new foreign exchange students...

Oh... Well, I got to go.

Go, Homer, you're our man! If you can't do it, nobody can! Ooh! No! Oh, God!

Aw, let him do it, Chief. It lightens the mood. Oh, my God! LOU: That used to be a face.

I mean, I did just star in my first movie with Marvin Hagler... and Tova Borgnine-- Yeah! Anyway, we got a great show for you.

Yeah, nice to see you. Seymour, why is that student lying unconscious on the floor? Well, in many cases, the floor is the best-- Oh, look! Here comes Lumpy, the school snake. Help! Help! Oh, Lord.

Say your prayers, Simpson.

There you go! We'd be stealing from people we know.

Stroke! Stroke!

D'oh! - D'Oh! - D'Oh! Whoo-hoo! Eww! Did you have to be so graphic? It's okay, Marge. They pave the way for this kind of filth in school.

Oh, yeah? Well, that makes two of us. You know, boys, there is an old saying down on the bayou that, uh-- Whee!

Starin' at my sandals, that's a paddlin'.

Moe... wrecking Moe's bar? Uh-- What are-- I almost fainted, but then I didn't. What are you doing? My professor said if I prettied up this dump, it would renew my zeal. And it would look pretty too.

Only who can prevent forest fires? You pressed "You," referring to me. That is incorrect. The correct answer is you. Mom, can Lisa and I play outside away from the bear?

Oh, Homer, where have you been? I just underwent a procedure to increase my I.Q. 50 points. Really? And they gave me this spiffy nerd ensemble too. Do you feel smarter?

Now hold it right there, you little-- Mother ?

Paul Newman's gonna have my legs broke.

Hey, were you watching, sweetheart? I made it! Ow! Aaah! My watch is caught. Oh, for the love of-- Hold on. - Can you drive? - Not well, but I'll give it a shot. Oh, God!

The inspiring words of a fan who'll always root, root, root for the home team. Even if they lose this game. They lost? Those losers! No, no, no. The game's not over. Whoo! Not over! Whoo! There you have it-- "Whoo." Here it comes, baby. Real big one!

Homer s.: Portrait of an Ass Grabber, starring Dennis Franz.

of these principles, we can learn-- The auspices of constancy-- sweet constancy. Oh. Hey-- What--

People, please! We're all frightened and horny.

Everybody dance nOw oh! Everybody dance now

Strip the bark now, Stampy. Hey, any more arboretums around here? No!

Of course not, honey. That seat's for my coin purse.

What if I talk like this?

This has been a Gracie Films presentation.

Well, let's get out the old stock ticker and have a look. Here's where I stopped checking it last time. September, 1929. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Smithers, why didn't you tell me about this market crash?

What? What are you all looking at? I'm Dutch.

Knock it off! I can't hear myself think. I want some peanuts. That's better.

was caught in a sudden avalanche on Widow's Peak earlier today. It was captured on film by a camera crew making the upcoming Fox special, In Search of Bigfoot.

What am I doing wrong, Little Vicki? Well, you're falling a lot. Maybe you should work on that. Yeah. Well, no offense, but maybe I need a little more instruction... than just "tappa-tappa-tappa." Why, back when I was your age, I had 43 movies under my belt, and I had to do it without tappa-tappa-tappa. I would have killed for tappa-tappa-tappa.

You guys really gonna dive off of here? Not me. I'm shaking like a French soldier. Yeah. I think I just logged onto my Internet.

People, this is an issue that we, as a town, are strong enough to ignore. Let us give no more scrutiny to this bawdy house... and its small clientele of loyal perverts. Oh, I'm afraid this problem goes far beyond Eugene and Rusty. Marge, if you please.

Beware the Ides of March. No. Dad, I know you think you're happy now, but it's not gonna last forever.

I'm looking for a friend. Last name: jazz. First name: Hugh. Hold on. I'll check. Huge ass? Somebody check the men's room for a huge ass. I'm Hugh jazz. Telephone. This is Hugh jazz. Uh... hi. Who's this? Bart Simpson. What can I do for you?

MARGE: What's all that racket?

Uh, is the poop deck really what I think it is? I like the cut of your jib. What's a jib? Promote that man.

A thousand dollars ? Dimoxinil ? "To keep brain from freezing" ? Now I've got you, Simpson. Mmm, Homer, between your hair care products and new wardrobe, we're not saving anything for a rainy day.

are the cutout classics. When Krusty the Clown got canceled-- he tried everything to stay on the air. Here's what you didn't see. If you watch my show, I will send you this book featuring me...

Oh, Homer. No man has ever been this nice to me without, you know, wanting something in return. I was gonna ask for some water, but now I feel guilty about it. Homer, you're just a big sack of sugar. Thanks. You did say "sugar," right? Uh-huh.

I'm sorry, Dad. It's all right. I understand. But we really could have used that $12,000. Um, Dad, 10% of $120 million isn't 12,000. It's-- Code blue. Code blue.

I hope all you kids come out this weekend and really pack this place, just to show 'em how grateful I am. I told 'em you would. Don't make me a liar.

Two: Whenever Poochie's not on screen, all the other characters should be asking, "Where's Poochie?" Three-- Great. Great. just leave them right there on the floor on your way out.

That's it. Left. Left.

Oh, no! Oh, don't do that! You're supposed to be tasting them! Hall of Famer Whitey Ford now on the field... pleading with the crowd for-- for some kind of sanity. Uh-oh. And a barrage of pretzels... now knocking Whitey unconscious. Wow. This is a-- This is a black day for baseball.

This calls for a celebration. We're all going to Hawaii. Gotcha! It's April Fools' for two more minutes. Dad, it's May 16. You were in that coma for seven weeks.

Ha! It's like punting on the Thames. Stroke. Stroke.

just a second. You gotta take a Breathalyzer test before I let you drive home. Uh, I guess I'll walk home.

That's it! A novel about whaling! That's something you haven't seen before. Thank you, Scene From Moby-Dick. "Chapter 1, starts and beginnings. "'Swim, swim, swim,' thought the whale, flapping his flappers."

Quiet! Here come the ninjas.

Why'd you bring that up? It was an amusing episode... of our lives.

Be careful, Mom! There's hot lava under the ground! Actually, when it's underground, lava is called magma! You're so smart, Chloe! Walter Cronkite told me the same thing! Shut up!

I'm a-comin', boy! Homer, get back here!

Oh, Lenny, I'm sure he'll like your wife no matter what she looks like. No, no, no, no! It's worse than that! I don't even have a wife. I just said I did to, you know, be a big shot. Oh. Well, it's time to start telling the truth. Now, when I have to tell my husband the truth, I cook him a big delicious dinner.

So, 120 pins later, I am the better man.

It looks like you're "showering" Marge with gifts. Hmm, with little tiny baby-sized gifts. Well, I'll be in the tub. By the way, congratulations on your new job, Homer.

Oh, look. You're getting cranky. You haven't had your juice.

You should get your eyes checked. I'm taking Bart to the mall to buy camping supplies. Why don't you come along? Nah. I wanna enjoy this show before the network retools it. How can I organize this modeling agency... and still be a good single father? - I love you, Daddy. - AWW! Too late!

- But, sir, the head office is in India. - Okay. Dad, that's over 10,000 miles away. I'm aware of that! - That's over 16,000 kilometers. - D'oh!

Hello, children. Whom do you love ? Sideshow Bob ! Come on, Bart. Go with the flow. How much do you love me ? With all our hearts !

We gotta get home. I don't want to miss Inside the Actor's Studio. Tonight it's F. Murray Abraham. But I really need to-- F. Murray Abraham!

Hello! Itchy and Scratchy Land, open for business. Who are you to resist it, huh? Come on. My last paycheck bounced. My children need wine.

A groin-grabbingly good team.

Code? Son, this is Colonel Hapablap! That fool McGuckett sprayed runway foam all over Chuck Yeager's Acura. Now get down there with the chamois triple-time! But, Colonel, I'm under strict orders to-- Sweet Enola Gay, son! Get moving or I'll tear you up like a Kleenex at a, uh, snot party. Sir, right away, sir!

Hey, you, get out of my office!

you struggle to resist the urge to punch 'em in the face, and for what? For some pimply little puke that treats ya like dirt unless you're on a team. Well, I'm better than dirt. Well, most kinds of dirt. I mean, not that fancy, store-bought dirt. That stuff's loaded with nutrients. I can't compete with that stuff.

Don't hog it all, smelly head! Go to hell, zit face! Give me that sugar!

Well, here. Take this. My daughter didn't want the lunch I made. (SNIFFING)

Lisa, honey, are you saying you're never going to eat any animal again? - What about bacon? - No. - Ham? - No. Pork chops? Dad! Those all come from the same animal! Oh, yeah, right, Lisa. A wonderful, magical animal.

Don't hassle the dead, boy. They have eerie powers. I thought this thing was gonna be catered. Boy, am I hungry.

There is a lesson you must learn. If it's about laying off the insanity peppers, I'm way ahead of ya. No. I speak of a deeper wisdom. The problem, Homer, is that the mind is always chattering away... with a thousand thoughts at once. Yeah. That's me all right.

My God, you're greasy!

Huh? Great news, everyone. Goliath is dead! Although I haven't seen his body, the blast that failed to kill me surely killed the giant.

Now they'll never save your brain, Hitler. Little help?

Thanks, Sparkle. Wait... This isn't you. That's the old Sparkle.

Whatcha doin'? We're headin' back. Todd's got Zesty Italian in his eye. Okay. But at least let me take the boat out for one last spin.

Wow! Ever wonder how crackers get salted? Have I! Wow! Crackers, ho! I never knew cracker production could be so exciting!

Uh, Mr. Simpson, you weren't supposed to leave the home. Thank you, Ping-Pong. My name is Craig. Sure, it is. This place is so boring. I gotta do something to keep from going crazy. I know. I'll breed the pets... to each other.

Ow! Hey, watch those virtual darts!

We are the jockeys jockeys are we We live underground in a fiberglass tree Ha! Ooh! Ha-ha! Between Earth and hell we reign supreme On toadstool thrones by a chocolate stream

I cannot give you your... special delivery. Here's your special delivery. Thanks. That's for keepin' me waiting. Hey, Lise, guess who's got a genuine... Itchy & Scratchy animation cel?

Oh, wouldn't it be grand to gather round and have a listen?

Well, thank you, Mr. Blow-The-Picture-For-Me.

Wait. Wait a minute. Wait.

Show Wow! They'll never let us show that again, not in a million years!

Because of you, we're all takin' golden showers! What? We can't go on fighting with Olde Springfield!

Hey! Troy! Troy! That's right, boys. Troy's back from the gutter, and he's brought someone with him! That's too funny!

Twenty of your mortal years. But I had to quit when my fangs succumbed to gingivitis. Now all my victims have to be mashed up.

That's right. It's me, Judge Harm, through the magic of fiber optics. Hey, how about that? Quiet, tubsy! You violated my order. But, Constance, it only happened because-- Hey, hey! If I want a cock-and-bull story, I'll read Hemingway.

It's almost game time. Where the devil are my ringers? Mike Scioscia may not live through the night. Steve Sax is looking at six life sentences. Ozzie Smith seems to have vanished off the face of the earth.

I see it all now. You're just a bunch of yes-men. I was making the wrong moves, and you were too gutless to tell me. Isn't that right? Yes. Dead on, sir.

Excuse me. We think this boy might be here. Okay, this is a samba school. This is not a lost and found. This is where we invented the Lambada and the Macarena. We are now developing our most powerful dance-- the Penetrada. It makes sex look like a church!

Ow! Okay now. Put--

This is the end beautiful friend This is the end My only friend the end

I-i've never expelled anyone before, but that pig had some powerful friends. Oh, you'll pay. Don't think you won't pay! Guys, believe me. I didn't mean to get you expelled. Don't worry, Mr. Simpson. We can take care of ourselves.

I'm gonna be honest with you, Lisa. I never did the tests.

Oh, doctor. A 98-yard triple reverse... ties the score at 63-63. We have seen nothing but razzle-dazzle here today, three visits from Morganna the Kissing Bandit... and the astonishing return of jim Brown. Whoo-hoo!

They're controlling our minds with flu shots. I knew it! Well, kids, now aren't you glad we don't believe in inoculations? Yea! Mommy? Hey, Mr. X, I got a tip for you.

Shh! I'm sorry.

When was the Battle of New Orleans? january 8, 1815. Two weeks after the war ended. First-rate. What's a battle? Let's go. Did that boy say, "What's a battle?" He said, "What's that rattle?" About the heating duct. Hmm. It sounded like battle.

Well, anyway, I brought you a present. Look! It's a telescope I won at the optics festival. There was an optics festival, and I wasn't informed? You go now. But-- Go! What have we here? "The Lighter Side of Hippies."

A smile. Good night, Laughlin. She didn't do it She didn't do it

Look, I'm supposed to get a physics tutor. You've come to the right place. If there's one thing we know, it is science. And math. And the words to every Monty Python routine. We are the knights who say "Ni!" Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni.

(LAUGHS) Yes. That describes Kathy in Personnel to a tee. (SCREAMS) All right, everyone. It's time for your Christmas "bon-i." Everyone gets a five-dollar cafeteria voucher. (ALL MOANING) And for your boy, a confectioner's card featuring a current baseballer. It's that rookie from the New York Nine.

I shall send you to heaven before I send you to hell. And a-two, and a-three, and-- We sail the ocean blue And our saucy ship's a beauty We are sober men and true and attentive to our duty I'm called Little Buttercup

He's either a 50-foot prehistoric ape, or a tourist trap concocted by the Ape Island jaycees. Either way, we're going ashore.

I hate to think what's happening in Euro Itchy and Scratchy Land. Hello! Itchy and Scratchy Land, open for business. Who are you to resist it, huh? Come on. My last paycheck bounced.

You're beautiful. Aw, somebody's in love. That means you'll have to be neutered. No!

People, if we meet this week's quota, I'll take you to the most duck-filled pond you ever sat by. Oh, hot diggety! That's how they got me to vote for Lyndon LaRouche.

Hey, Homer, us hotheads here is gonna go tear down Burns's sun-blockin' machine. You wanna come with? Sure. I've had it up to here with these damn rickets.

Wellity, wellity, wellity. Stop that! Will you help me or not? Let's do it.

Baby Button-Eyes! What are you doing possessed at this hour? I'd better tell the governess... (GROWLS) Oh! God! The prophecy has been fulfilled! (SCREAMING) The buttons look like they're sewn to my eyes. But they're really held on with hot wax.

The city of Washington was built on a stagnant swamp... some 200 years ago and very little has changed. It stank then and it stinks now. Only today, it is the fetid stench of corruption that hangs in the air.

And we are back with more of People Who Look Like Things. Oh, no! No! Someone taped over the end of this! All we ask is to be treated with dignity and respect.

Oh, Homer, where have you been? I just underwent a procedure to increase my I.Q. 50 points. Really? And they gave me this spiffy nerd ensemble too. Do you feel smarter?

Happy birthday ! Huh ? What ? Here's your birthday breakfast. Oh ! Isn't this nice ? My birthday ? It's my birthday ? No !

Now I'm gonna warn you kids, the next part of the story gets a little WB.

Happy birthday, Burnsie Happy birthday to you Go to hell, you old bastard.

This is what a cornfield looks like, honey. You think those things could also have contributed to my fear of flying? Yes, yes. It's all a rich tapestry. Oh, well, thank you, Doctor. You've changed my life. You know, Marge, we've really just begun to scratch the surface.

that I have to dance with you? You know, I'd change that law if I could, Marge, but I can't. Aw, shoot. Quebec's got the bomb. Well, I gotta go, but, look, if you're ever near the White House, there's a toolshed out back.

Fantasize, Marge.

You know, a tennis court can really make your house look classy. I hear Mel Brooks has one. I mean Sir Mel Brooks. And it's bad news for the gophers.

Your doll is trying to kill my husband! Yes, I'll hold. Everybody loves A clown so why don't you

Millions of girls will grow up thinking that this is the right way to act. That they can never be anything more than vacuous ninnies... whose only goal is to look pretty, land a rich husband, and spend all day on the phone with their equally vacuous friends... talking about how damn terrific it is to look pretty and have a rich husband! just what I was gonna say.

Barney, not you too! I'm not a zombie. But hey-- when in Rome.

He'll tell you that in nature one creature invariably eats another to survive. Don't kid yourself, jimmy. If a cow ever got the chance, he'd eat you and everyone you care about.

To be completed in 1994.

Isn't that right, Leeza Gibbons? That's right, Kent Brockman. Our broadcast is brought to you today by Costington's department store, the thing downtown that's open... right next to the men's shelter.

Well, it was a grueling two weeks, but you have your son back. Ooh. Mom. Dad. I missed you. Aww! Homer, that's Hans Moleman. Can I keep him anyway? Huh? Huh? ...Scratchy Show

Whoa ! Hey, cool, man ! Our lives have taken an odd turn. Did the team ask you to dress like that, Homer ? Nope, this was my own bright idea. Come on, we gotta hurry. Don't fill up on those vegetables, kids. Save room for your nachos. All right !

Hey, where's my melon?

The guys who wrote this show don't know squat. Itchy should've tied Scratchy's tongue with a taut-line hitch, not a sheet bend. Oh, Bart. Cartoons don't have to be 100% realistic.

Thank you, Chalmers. Where I come from, there's no better way to get acquainted... than by reciting the Pledge of Allegiance together. Why don't you lead us, son? Hey, America, you're So fine. You're so fine, you bLow my mind. America.

But you can't do this! I saved the children's lives! I'm a hero! Tell them they'll live to regret this. You'll live to regret this! Oh, thanks a lot. Now I look crazy.

We might as well face the truth. As long as we are Stonecutters, he will control our lives. Maybe. But maybe we don't want to be Stonecutters no more.

Oh. Like how we built that snowman together in that Newport ad? Remember how "alive with pleasure" they said we were?

Things have changed. There will be no mockery of your name, Mr. Glasscock.

Uh, yeah, yeah. I love "Grimby." Uh, could I have some more bumper stickers, please, dude?

Lemonade ? Please. I made it just for you. You are my best friend.

A whole canoe made of baloney? (LAUGHING) Bart, stop fooling with the remote!

You know, I went to the McDonald's in, uh, Shelbyville on Friday night.

All right! Bologna and cheese! What do you got, Bart? A pack of sugar and peanut butter smeared on a playing card. Ha-ha! Your mom's a jailbird. - So's yours. - Oh, yeah. Let's play.

"Radiant, cool, crazy nightmares. Zen New jersey nowhere." Put this in your pipe and smoke it!

Why didn't I think of that? Hammocks! Homer, there's four places. There's the Hammock Hut. That's on Third. Uh-huh. There's Hammocks-R-Us. That's on Third too. - You got Put-Your-Butt-There. - Mm-hmm. - That's on Third. Swing Low, Sweet Chariot. - Right. Matter of fact, they're all in the same complex. It's the hammock complex on Third. Oh, the hammock district. That's right.

Billy jean is not my lover She's just a girl who says that I am the one But the kid is not my son Hee-hee-hee.

They'll wipe out the lizards. But aren't the snakes even worse? Yes, but we're prepared for that. We've lined up a fabulous type of gorilla that thrives on snake meat. Then we're stuck with gorillas! No, that's the beautiful part. When wintertime rolls around, the gorillas simply freeze to death. Hmm.

You poor man. Let me help you up. You just made a very big mistake.

Look at the credits. Bye-bye, kids! I'm Kent Brockman. On the 11:00 news tonight, a certain kind of soft drink has been found to be lethal. We won't tell you which one until after sports and the weather with Funny Sonny Storm. There's my name, right there-- Bart Simpson.

No sports, no rock no information For mindless chatter we're your station KBBL talk radio. And now, Springfield's favorite conservative...

Ow! Okay, Maggie. Put it down.

You came here to save me! Yeah. That's what I did. My apologies to you. I almost a-made a grievous error. Good-bye, Krusty. Wait! He can't kill anybody if he doesn't know which one's the real Krusty!

into a hippie pot party. While johnny Welfare plays acid rock on a stolen guitar, his old lady has a better idea. That's right. She's got the "munchies" for a California cheeseburger.

Ugh! Ugh! I don't know what I was thinking, but, uh, Field of Dreams was good, wasn't it? Made us all believe again. Oh, poor Mr. Costner. He tries so hard. Ah, thanks. You're sweet to say that. Uh, where are you? I'm back here. Hi.

Lemme check. Phone call for Al, Al Coholic ! Is there an Al Coholic here ? Wait a minute. Listen, you little yellow-bellied rat jackass. If I ever find out who you are, I'll kill ya !

I would, if it wasn't for the kids! Hey, the heart wants what it wants, dude. We had a good run. Well, that's the last we'll see of them. Come on. We're going to Moe's.

Aw, rats. Another gutter ball. Gee, Homer, you sure do suck tonight. Yeah, suck like a fox!

We're the highlights in your haIrdo the Extra arms on Vishnu So don't take the--

You do now, son. You do now. Standing tall on the wings of my dream Rise and fall on the wings of my dream

Please shut this place down and move away from Springfield. Oh, honey, you can't be serious. Springfield doesn't want places like this. I think I know what Springfield wants, sugar. Oh? I've lived in this town for 37 years. I've lived here 52 years. I'm third generation. Sixth. Get out of my town!

Hey, Bart! Summer's almost here. Which kind of sprinkler do you like? The one that goes like this? Or the one that goes like this?

(HOMER SCREAMING)

I'm no fake. I'm the real Krusty. Oh, yeah? Who played your daughter in the short-lived sitcom President Clown? I don't know her name, but she held up a liquor store last year. I smell bacon. Let's see if he's wearing a wire! Hey! Whoa! No! Not the face!

That jerk I got to replace you, he isn't fit to hold your slide whistle. All I can be is myself.

You've got to catch them! Think of the children. Won't somebody please think of the children!

just watch us. Don't forget Ken Starr!

I see it! I see the monster! Nae! There's merely Loch Ness High School's discarded homecoming float. No way! Aberdeen rules!

Please welcome Nobel laureate Dr. Dudley Herschbach and Emmy nominee Jennifer Garner. (AUDIENCE APPLAUDING) She blinded me with science You know, Dr. Herschbach, our jobs are actually not that different. I disagree.

Get your haggis right here! Chopped heart and lungs... boiled in a wee sheep's stomach! Tastes as good as it sounds! Good for what ails ya!

Nae! There's merely Loch Ness High School's discarded homecoming float. No way! Aberdeen rules!

Hey! Look what I snagged, Marge. The candy bride and groom from the wedding cake. Mmm. Pointy.

They practically chew his food for him. Lucky stiff. I'm workin' my ass off here. Good steak, honey.

No! My sugar is melting! Melting! Oh, what a world! Oh, sugar.

You know, I went to the McDonald's in, uh, Shelbyville on Friday night. The Mc-what? Uh, McDonald's restaurant. I-- I never heard of it either, but, uh,

- Maude ? - Oh, sure. Not those peanuts. The ones at the bottom. Oh, okay. Ahhh !

or stay in Springfield with our sweethearts? (MOANING) Stay with me, Marge. And I promise we'll travel the world and perhaps outer space. (IMITATES STAR SHIPS) (IMITATES LASER GUNS)

Are you sure the children will get enough nutrition from these pretzels? Yes, I am sure. Sure as sure can be. Oh, my God. What happened to your fingers? Boating accident. I believe it was a "boaking" accident. I have to go now.

Got to pay your dues if you wanna sing the blues And you know it don't come easy You don't have to shout Or leap about You can even play them easy

Testing. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Hey.

today you can find apples in everything that's good. Apple wine, apple whiskey, apple schnapps, apple martinis, uh, Snapple with vodka in it, apple nail polish remover--

I can't stand it any longer. This whole plant is insane. Insane, I tell you!

Dad, Todd's speaking in tongues! I wish he were, Rod. I pray for the day, but I'm afraid he's just delirious from fever. Oh, Neddy, why has God forsaken us?

Shh! Ooh, I hear this really sucks.

Kids, all I ever did was sit in class and doodle. Like this one. It's what your principal would look like as a woman. Fire, children! Hurry outside! There's no time to let today's lecture sink in!

Welcome to the Electric Car of the Future,

You know, I was considering staying after school and helping teacher clean up. Ahh! Do you ever think anything you don't say?

Hey, wait a minute. This isn't Marge. This is her fat sister, Selma. It's Patty, chump! (LAUGHING)

Pro: Uh-- Uh, I love you. Con: I'm finding myself less attracted to you physically.

English - US - Line 21

Curly, straight. Curly, straight. Curly, straight. Curly, straight. Mr. Simpson, I don't think he likes that. Of course he does. He's a cute little piggy. Curly, straight. Curly, straight. Ow! Why, you little-- Mr. Simpson, stop!

Turns out he had an impacted anal gland.

Lisa Simpson. It doesn't matter what your name is, you idiot. What I want to know is will you help me get my money back?

I'm a big, fat pig ! Oh, now, Homer, you do have big bones. Marge, no one gains 30 pounds of bone. I'm going on a diet.

I've even kept kosher just to be on the safe side. I've done everything the Bible says! Even the stuff that contradicts the other stuff! What more could I do? I feel like I'm coming apart here. I want to yell out, but I just can't... dang-diddily-do-dang, do-dang-diddily-darn do it!

of each purple curtain thrilled me, Filled me with fantastic terrors never felt before. So that now, to still the beating of my heart, I stood repeating: 'Tis some visitor entreating entrance at my chamber door. This it is, and nothing more. Presently my soul grew stronger, hesitating then no longer.

Heh. Life dont seem so hard no more.

As your president, I would demand... a science fiction library... featuring an ABC of the overlords of the genre: Asimov, Baxter, Clarke-- What about Ray Bradbury ? I'm aware of his work. Thank you ! And keep watching the skies.

Big deal! When I was a pup, we got spanked by presidents till the cows came home. Grover Cleveland spanked me on two nonconsecutive occasions! Grampa, I know in your day spanking was common, but Homer and I just don't believe in that kind of punishment. And that's why your no-good kids are running wild!

D'oh! Oh! Lousy minor setback! This world sucks! Don't you hate carpet stores that charge extra for the under padding? I hate them so much!

Hot damn! All right, don't eat nothin' for the next three days, 'cause I'm taking you out for a steak the size of a toilet seat.

All I wanted was a little version of me... that I could hold in my arms. Oh, jub jub. When I went to pick him up, Mom was trying to stab him with a hat pin. Shh! You make me feel

Oh, yeah, yeah. Right. Health inspection. That reminds me. Ha! Your change, sir. We're working on that roach situation. I swear to God. Yeah, you should see the hospital.

Call for Oliver Klozoff ! And I made reservations at the Chez Paree. But, Homer, it's so expensive. It matters not, mon frere. And after desserts,

No, a 513-- In your procedures manual? A 513? Look at your control panel. Oh! A five 13. I'll handle it.

I have a buck. I have one dollar. I have one dollar there. Do I hear two? Sold-- for a buck. Cool. What'd I buy? 35 Industry Way.

You've just got to turn that frown upside down. That's a smile, not an upside-down frown. Work on that too. Hey, we got a postcard from Bart. "Dear Mom and Homer: I'm having fun." Oh, it sounds like he's havin' fun. Why does it have a picture of Vitamin Barn?

Oh! I ain't fer it. I'm agin it!

Morals and ethics and carnal forbearance--

Well, sort of. But I mean more like inflatable furniture, or Last Supper TV trays, or even this bowling shirt. Can you believe somebody gave this to Goodwill? And that kind of stuff is worth money? Boy howdy! Man. You should come over to our place. It's full of valuable worthless crap.

What affliction "be-plagues" you, my friend? Come again? He paralyzed his vocal cords cramming too many "K" sounds into a punch line. Oh, mercy. Well, I'm not sure there's anything I can do for-- Feel the power! Release this clown!

Gabriella's baby shower will be invaded by terrorists, with sexy results. Ooh, that's unexpected. What else? Well, Sister Bernadette will leave the convent and start a softball team, with sexy results. What's Dad doing on the show?

Beautiful. Just beautiful. This is what "comptrolling" is all about. Oh, yeah. Better. Oh, yes. Anybody got a building permit? 'Cause we nailed it. Way to blow, Lise. That is the best version of "Living in America" I've ever heard. Third best for me. Well, unless there's another band, I think we have a winner.

Hello. I'm Shaquille O'Neal. Let us in, please.

You'll work off that cake in the acid mines! No! No, no! I'll pay for the cake. Well, you're the mark... of integrity. Wow! Look at all this loot! What should we buy first? A singing rubber fish, of course.

Oof ! Ow, ow ! Ah ! Oh ! Ah ! Oh ! Eee ! Ow ! Oh ! Doh ! Doh ! Oh !

Hey. They need volunteers to play old-timey people in the parade. Look. I can be a butter churner, a typhoid carrier, an apprentice! I think I'll be an apprentice, Marge. What kind of apprentice? That's for my master to decide. How about town crier? You'd be great at that.

Homey, isn't he beautiful? As long as he's got eight fingers and eight toes, he's fine by me. Oh, Bart!

Dear Sally, in response to your letter of December 12, 1966, me favorite color is blue and me real first name is Richard. Thanks for the snapshot. You're a real cute bird. Love, Ringo. P.S. Forgive the lateness of my reply.

I'm not hepped up on goofballs. Yeah, right. Ned Flanders. I never would have imagined. Oh-- Oh-- Ah-- Oh-- Oof! High as a kite, everybody! Goofballs!

La, la, la, la, la, la, la. I took another sip.

Guess I can't complain. Everything's perfect here.

Sugar do-do-do-do do-do aw, honey, honey do-do-do-do do-do You are my caNdy-- Lousy piece of junk!

We won't tell you which one until after sports and the weather with Funny Sonny Storm. There's my name, right there-- Bart Simpson. Looks more like "Brad Storch." No, it says, "Betty." "Betty Symington." - That's for taking credit for other people's work. - Oh!

Hens love roosters geese love ganders everyone else loves Ned Flanders Not me! Everyone who counts loves Ned Flanders Knock that off, you two! It's time for church! We're not going to church today.

It doesn't matter. All I want to know is, will you make me the luckiest guy in the world again? I will. Oh, Homie, of course I will. Come on, you stupid-- There.

and he looks just like him too. Yeah, he was my manager. Back when I was Gorgeous, everybody wanted a piece of me. But, somehow, I just never made it to the big time. Why not? 'Cause I got knocked out 40 times in a row. That, plus politics. You know, it's all politics. Lousy Democrats.

Oh, overload. Pleasure overload. Luckily, I'm prepared for this, so I'm not too worried. Sit up straight. Eyes forward. No talking. Is that gum? Is that gum? Is that gum?

If ever I would leave you It wouldn't be in summer! (BOOING) Ladies and gentlemen, let's kill every child...

Nooo! You've been safety inspector for two years. What initiatives have you spearheaded? Uh... all of them? I see. Then you must have some good ideas for the future as well. I sure do!

Dad, it's 1:00 a.m., and I'm out of saliva.

Yeah, right, mop top. And I'm Ed Sullivan. "Really big show." No, no. I can do it better. "Really big show. Really big." That's it.

Hey, that's my washcloth. The hell it is! - Give me that! Let go! - Give me that thing! I want it! Stop this madness. It's just a washcloth. Besides, it's mine. Yoink! Hey, she's getting away with the washcloth.

No, please. I don't care what you've done. You're still a decent, honorable man. Mmm. - That's the kind of talk that makes me want to marry you. - Oh! But instead, I'm leaving town forever. - Good-bye. - Mmm.

Next stop, Margaritaville! Uh-- Oh, they're still here. Yes. Now I'd like to ask each child to pair up with a buddy so no one gets lost. Come of think of it, I haven't seen Uter since the last field trip. Uter? I don't remember any Uter. Silly name. Uter.

Ah! Lousy Isotopes. They're a disgrace to baseball. They lost again? Mm-hmm. The team's been terrible since they got bought by the cheap, heartless Duff Corporation. Hey, Moe. Give me a Duff. Mmm. Oh, yeah. Sweet Duff.

Sure, it is, honey. You do mean stealing, don't you? Well, actually, it's not as bad as stealing, but my conscience is bothering me. Your conscience? Lisa, don't let that pushy little weenie tell you what to do. Homer, that's a terrible thing to say. - Oh, shut up. - Yes, sir.

Don't worry. Our donors have to pass a rigorous screening process. All done! Thank you. Always a pleasure. What a beautiful little girl.

Getting ready for Whacking Day? What's Whacking Day? Did you bring the pre-whacked snakes? Beautiful.

Leave this place. You are in great danger. Where's Milhouse? The one you call Milhouse... is gone. He went to his grandma's place... while we're sprayin' for potato bugs.

Hi, Maggie. I'm Homie-womie, the Teletubbie. And I'm all man, in case you heard otherwise.

just ask this scientician. Uh-- He'll tell you that in nature one creature invariably eats another to survive.

All right, here's the 411, folks.

He woke me up at dawn to take a loyalty oath. Ugh. My mom's French, so we only celebrate Bastille Day. Well, we could do something fun. Um, how 'bout a beach party?

I'm thirsty. Ooh, what smells like mustard? There sure are a lot of ugly people in your neighborhood. Ooh! Look at that one! Oh, my glaucoma just got worse. The president is a demi-crat! Hello? I can't unbuckle my seat belt.

Hardly worth it. Lotta junk.

where a mysterious person in black keeps a solitary vigil. I've got it!

So I'm the president's no-good brother. Moochie-moochie.

Ah, I just threw on an old rerun. No one will know the difference. Huh? Huh? Huh? Eh, children, remain calm. The Falkland Islands have just been invaded. I repeat, the Falklands have just been invaded! The disputed islands lie here, off the coast of Argentina.

Hey, Mr. Showmanship, the owner wants to see you in his office right now.

I say Phantom Menace sucked more! I say Attack of the Clones sucked more!

No. There is absolutely nothing else to tell you about this house. That's good enough for me! Purple drapes! All my life I've wanted purple drapes!

I'm gonna make it after all

This is Becky. She's in the second grade. Hi, Becky. Thanks for coming out. "See ya." He writes the way people talk!

Get your germ lab out of here! Now! Now! How could I not become a radical...

Ooh ! Ahh ! Eee ! Son of a-- Oh ! Eee ! And that's how we shave.

Tell you what. I'll show you something very special... if you promise to put your grubby little hands behind your back and keep them there. Behold.

Guess i forgot to put the fog lights in i better pull over and play it safe.

By hiring me as your lawyer, you also get this smoking monkey. Better cut down there, Smokey. Mr. Hutz-- Look. He's taking another puff!

What plan? You got me drunk. Yeah, but this time you woke up with more than a hangover. You're married to me. Me! I can't take it! You're too goody-goody.

Oh! Mmm-mmm. Right this way. What's on the menu? (SCREAMS) (SCRATCHY GRUNTING)

staff and hangers-on from leaking the solution, two completely different endings were produced.

Ooh. That digital sound really lets you hear the blood splatter.

Hello! Mrs. Pommelhorst! I'd like to get down now.

We were just playing. What game? - Let's Eat Maggie. - Ooh!

You know, I defy anyone to tell the difference... between these doughnuts and ones baked today. My boy's supposed to be here any second on a field trip. They been through here yet ? Come on, Simpson. If they wanted the kids to see you sitting around... on your butt and stuffin' your face, they'd take them on a tour of your house.

Oh, Son, I'm glad to see ya! I went for the morning paper and I got lost!

You know, you are a member of a very exclusive club. The Black Panthers? No, the Family Simpson-- which has just five members, and only two of those members have special rings. Yeah! I meant our wedding rings.

What for? Nobody cared when Bogart defaced that sidewalk in Hollywood.

Oh, Bart, not again! Give it to me. I told you. I don't have anything. You can't hide from me in this house, Bart. I spend 23 hours a day here! Get him, Ma. There's no place left to run, Bart. Hand it over.

You'll be lucky if it doesn't make your hair fall out actually. Oh! Paper or plastic? You decide. So, wearing a belt, are ya? Yep. No suspenders for you.

Let's see, something for the lady... ah-- Radioactive Man vs. The Swamp Hag.

and "rail" means "rail." And that concludes our intensive three-week course. Hey, wait, man. Who gets to be conductor? Oh, right, that. Well, I've been monitoring your progress closely. But this gentleman here clearly stands out above the rest. Who, me? Yeah, sure. Whoo-hoo!

Hey, you knockin' beer? Nobody bad-mouths Duff! Ah, a piece a crap. Come on. You're here to make friends. Oh, please. If I wanted to hear mindless droning, I'd befriend an air conditioner. Oh, now he's ragging on air conditioners. Hey, they keep us cool in the summer, pal.

He does get spooked by loud noises. "Loud"? That's our secret word for the day! Oh, my God!

Hey, look! It's Elton john! We had to make an emergency landing. It's that damn chandelier again.

What are you doing? I'm tired of running away. Did Braveheart run away? Did Payback run away? It's time we showed those suits what we're made of.

I mean the lava part, not saving Lisa. Pretend to care! (GRUNTING) (CHOKING) Well, looking at you kids, I know I made the right choice in life. I'm sure you did. But still, don't you ever wonder what might've happened if things had gone differently? Well...

You know what else scares me? Everything.

(GASPS) It's so beautiful and modern. Ooh. A sub-zero fridge. A slightly colder fridge? In my lifetime? Amazing. This is the kitchen I've always wanted.

It also says, "A licensed hunting club... must actively engage in the sport of hunting." Which I'll be doing tomorrow morning, smart guy! Hunting? Dad, no! Lemons.

Oh, you can do it if your heart is pure-- or... purée.

"Do You Want Lies With That'?" f Horns Honking f Does it bother you... that Krusty uses "mad cow" beef to save money? No. Because they pass the savings on to me, the consumer.

On the lighter side of the news, and I use the term loosely-- Doh ! No ! The slide is perfectly safe. This was an isolated incident. I understand that, Krusty, but isn't that what you said before the recall of tainted Krusty brand mayonnaise ? Now, Kent, you know that question is out of bounds. This interview is over.

Take that, you greedy fat cats. Marge, give me your purse. Here's $42. That's everything I have. - Run home and bury it in the yard. - I love you, Mom.

The ingredients were fresh pureed tomatoes, water, salt and sodium benzoate used to retard spoilage. Once again, if I'm not mistaken, this can contained tomato paste.

I am so smart I am so smart S-M-R-T I mean, S-M-A-R-R-T

Huh? What is this crap? Fox Broadcasting, down eight.

Oh, hard luck. Glad to "rake" your acquaintance.

You just can't see the big picture. If I stick to my guns, the boy could wind up... chief justice of the Supreme Court. If I fail, the best he could do... is judge at a Mr. Tight Buns competition. I can't let that happen. I won't let that happen. And I can't let that happen.

What are you doing here? Our planet has been observing your puny species... since your planet was created... 5,000 years ago by God. In the name of the Father and the Son and the Holy Ghost. And now humanity must be judged! The fate of your planet rests on one human being-- Homer Simpson! Why him?

Ohh! Homer mad! Homer smash! Get revenge on world!

Mmm. Baby on board. Baby on board Something, something Burt Ward This thing writes itself!

who can who can - who Can - who can

- they fight and fight and bite - and bark fight, fight, fight woof, woof, woof

Ow! My eye! Ow! Ow! Ow!

What I miss? Anything good?

You might say the extra ingredient is salt.

You know, Marge? joining the reserves was the best thing I ever did. I feel good about myself, I'm helping my country, and later, I'm gonna get Gilligan's autograph. I'm so proud of you, Homie. Then I'll whomp him with my hat!

(STUTTERS) Yes, Superintendent Chalmers? Do you know what today is? Today? Yes, of course I do! Happy birthday to you, happy... It not my birthday, Seymour. You know I'm a Sagittarius. Really? I'm a Libra. There's a lot of compatibility there. Skinner, be gay on your own time.

Well, I think the fruit of my loins... can beat the fruit of your loins any day of the week.

MAN ON TV: Bobby, I got propane in my urethra.

Mm, I don't know if it's a good idea to do that while you're driving. Marge, that's what I bought it for.

But I need that album to honor the memory of Bleeding Gums Murphy! He's dead? Well, why didn't you say so?

Right. And the award for Best Hard-core Thrash Metal goes to... Simpsons Christmas Boogie? Simpsons Christmas Boogie For America's favorite family, everything was coming up roses.

Ah, well. Looks like the party's over.

I've dedicated myself to living out your dream. I didn't dream anything about an aqua suit... or a lavender shirt, but you did take care of Mom.

Now they'll never save your brain, Hitler. Little help?

Animation is so great. It's way better than... whatever the alternative is.

Actually, that was Pontiac, Michigan. Thirty-eight pins going into the eighth. That's right. Well, he's stepping up now. He needs to get at least a spare. Shh !

It's already wiped out the dodo, the cuckoo and the ne-ne, and it has nasty plans for the booby, the titmouse, the woodcock and the titpecker. How vile.

(LAUGHS) Uh-oh! Whoa! I'm riding a unicycle with my pants down. This should be every boy's dream.

Lisa, no! Your hands are too weak. Stop that. I'm gonna kill him. No, I'm killing him first.

you make me feel you make me feel like A natural woman Oh, yeah!

This will be the art event of the century. The greatest masterpiece of the Italian Renaissance, Michelangelo's David,

Got to go, Moe. Tough luck. Aaaaaaaahhh! Holy cow, you just fell on Aerosmith!

The moon belongs to America... and anxiously awaits the arrival of our astro-men. Will you be among them?

Well, that was wonderful. A good time was had by all. I'm pooped. Yes. I should be-- Good Lord! What is happening in there? Aurora borealis.

Let's rock Do the mental house rock Whoa! Wow! A '50s nostalgia cafÉ. If you won't dance with the doc

Now, when I say, "Hello, Mr. Thompson"... and press down on your foot, you smile and nod. No problem. Hello, Mr. Thompson. I think he's talking to you.

Where'd you get that? From the producers of Waiting to Exhale. Is that plutonium on your gums? Shut up and kiss me. Mm-mm-mmm! Mmm!

Now let's get down to business. To my executor, Lionel Hutz, I leave $50,000. Mr. Hutz! You'd be surprised how often that works. You really would.

- Homer Simpson. - Stop telling them it was me! I'll kill you for saying it was me! Homer Simpson. What is the meaning of this? Smithers, who is this beast that's shaking me? D'oh!

Can you paint me knocking out Larry Holmes? Certainly. Dont hit my face. Okay. Where do you want it? I dont know. Work the stomach. Mmm. That takes me back.

You're as crafty as a skunk

So, how was it ?

Pokémon? Pokémon? Shh. With the pokey and the man... and the--

It's a Krusty Kinda Kristmas! Brought to you by ILG-- selling your body's chemicals after you die. And by Li'l Sweetheart Cupcakes, a subsidiary of ILG. Oh, hi! I didn't hear you come in.

Krusty wants out! No. The world needs laughter.

Oh, the best charity is to give and not let other people know. But what if your example encourages others to give? Speaking of charity don't you think it's time you forgave your son?

with a vulcanized rubber listening tube... which you crammed in your ear. The tube would go in easier with Some sort of lubricant... like linseed oil or Dr. Shumway's-- Shh! I'm sorry.

"Geese can be troublesome." What the hell is that supposed to mean? Oh, fortune means geese cause problems. Well, I knew that before I came in here. A guy outside told me that. "Every house has a bathroom." Oh, these fortunes are terrible!

That's odd. He's outside digging. Probably digging for drugs. There's no drugs out there. No, of course not. It's not a school project. I'd have heard of it. I'd better go check it out.

Shut up, Becky! There, I finally said it.

I juSt ate A thumbtack

Wow! This plankton's only 33 cents. According to the Mexican Council of Food, this expired two years ago. Sure, by their standards, but we live in America. This also says it can cause red tide poisoning.

You will receive one as soon as your grades start to slip in any subject. This way, your parents won't have to wait until report card time to punish you. How innovative. I like it. Hey, Dolph, take a memo in your Newton. Beat up Martin. Bah! Yeow!

Now for total security, I will terminate the cameraman. Thanks a lot, Steve!

Maybe you're right. Now, if you'll excuse us, this is a sacred moment between a boy and his father. Son, a woman is a lot like, um, a refrigerator. They're about six feet tall, 300 pounds. They make ice and--

Ice cream! Ice cream! Workers, please. There'll be time for the frozen-pudding wagon later. You still owe me 10 more Iroquois twists. Ten, ha-ya-yah. Uh! And nine, ha-ya-yah. Uh!

This taco is full of hair. Uh-huh. There's your explanation. Shall we tell Marge?

Damn blueberry stains.

I'll make something of myself. You'll see. Uh-- Hey. What do you use for anesthetic? A big mallet? Gee, I'm starting to have second th--

Then came the greatest thrill of my life. Hello, Homer. I'm George Harrison. Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Where did you get that brownie? There's a big pile of 'em.

Hey, hey, hey. That's enough. Now step over to the Abdominator, and I will shout slogans at you. Push. Harder. Go past the max. Reach over the top. Master your ass.

- So I’ve never been here before. - Hey, Waylon! Who’s the bear? Woof!

Sir, I have a small personal request. Oh, of course, Smithers. Anything. I disabled the button, sir. Anyway, I need some time off.

Don't let Krusty's death get you down, boy. People die all the time, just like that. Why, you could wake up dead tomorrow. Well, good night.

The hooligans! Bash his eyes out! It's a beautiful day to kick your ass! You die now!

Since the beginning of time, man has yearned to destroy the sun.

Azoot! I'm stuck on a nail! (CHUCKLING) Oh, God, that's painful. (GROANS) I can't feel my... (WHISTLE)

The year is 1939. 19-- 1939? Oh, my God! I've gone back in time! I've got to warn everybody about Hitler! And get to the ice-cream store! Hey, Homer, what's all the hubbub? Let me guess. You travel back in time again? Shut up! You haven't even been born yet!

You want to hear a secret, everybody? Luann loves it! Loves it when I fail! Oh, yes, Kirk. I love having to borrow money from my sister. I love having to steal clothes from the church donation box. Oh, sweet jesus! Lisa, why don't you come sing for uS?

Hey, that's not your locker. You know, you are the spitting image of the Aberdeen Strangler.

"Go-Go Ray"? Allow me to demonstrate. What the-- Aah! Can't... stop... doing... the Monkey.

You know that playhouse? Well, I-- Good gravy! Oh, thank you. It's just brown and water.

Krusty wants out! No. The world needs laughter.

It wasn't me. It was the hair.

Oh, boo yourself.

Ow! Those gears down there really hurt. You're out there somewhere, Beer Baron, and I'll find you. No, you won't. Yes, I will. Won't.

What's this? "Extremely high voltage." Well, I don't need safety gloves, because I'm Homer Simp--

I assure you his belching is the result of an unrelated alcohol problem. Oh! It just ain't the same without Homer. He knew how to drive a car.

Whoo-hoo! Whoo-hoo!

I hope you enjoyed my one-man pie fight, kids. Now it's time for another "fanschmabulous" episode... of itchy and Scratchy.

Hey, kids, it's time for Itchy and Scratchy ! They fight, they bite They bite and fight and bite Fight, fight, fight Bite, bite, bite the Itchy and Scratchy Show

Gentlemen, there's only one solution. We place this last doughnut in the reactor core... exposing it to radiation, thereby making it big! Yeah, it worked on my hand! Oh, wait. It's this hand. Whoa!

will you please rise for our national anthem, sung tonight by Springfield's rhythm and blues sensation Bleeding Gums Murphy !

How about the Clock Channel? Coming up on The Clock Channel- 6:00.

You're only allowed to take one parent with you. Mom. Love ya lots! Good-bye, Lisa. Remember me as I am-- filled with murderous rage! Well, Son, I guess this is the end.

Where's the baby? Where you left it. Shut up. Listen, fat boy-- No, you listen. This is my wife, and my kid. I'm paying for this delivery.

Adults attacking orphans? I don't think Maude Flanders would approve of that. Absolutely not! - Never! - No friggin' way! Yeah. This place is more like "Crazeland." Huh? Instead of "Praiseland." - Oh! - I see. - It's a play on words.

My cat's name is Mittens.

I hear those kids' voices are done by grown-ups. Hey, there's nothing wrong with that. I just wonder how they keep it so fresh after 43 episodes. I can't believe we paid to see a band... with Steve Guttenberg, Calista Flockhart, and Farty the Crippled Robot.

- Ooh-ooh! - There she is. There she is, the world's first convenience store.

You can really taste the goat. Now, our final round which counts for 98% of the total score, making the previous rounds a complete waste. Don't forget. Today's winner will be immortalized on our new Duff calendar.

The music we just heard might never be heard again. Yeah. But it'll always live on... because we'll never forget it.

Get moving or I'll tear you up like a Kleenex at a, uh, snot party.

Now, I'd better get out of here before I lose my family. just so I don't wonder-- you would have gone all the way with me? Uh-huh. Ooh. Okay.

Hasta la vista, baby! Hmm? Uhh! What the-- Eww! D'oh!

Oh, I was just thinking about Milhouse and Lisa. Mmm-hmm. What are you thinking about now? Hey, that rundown old house looks familiar. That's where Doc Frink used to live. (SIGHS) I never had this problem with Todd Flanders.

Weren't you a little hard on him? Well, you knew I had a temper when you married me.

And now for my final thought. Nobody wins when parents put their petty squabbles above the welfare of a child. Let's hope they put their differences aside and do what's best for Maggie.

Are you nuts? I can barely get through one show on Friday! Even with the... (INHALING) You know, smelling flowers? Such expensive flowers, filled with remorse. Anyway, we gotta book a guest host!

Well, I'll be all right as long as I can remember my army training. Dang!

Hello. World's worst babysitter speaking. Lisa, I'm glad I reached you. Are you available to babysit tonight?

And you know something, folks ? As ridiculous as this sounds, I would rather feel the sweet breath of my beautiful wife... on the back of my neck as I sleep... than to stuff dollar bills into some stranger's G-string. Am I wrong ? Or am I right ?

Acid, eh? Gee. That would have been stupid. Boy, would my face have been red. Stop laughing, you imbecile. Don't you realize how close you just came to killing yourself?

Hey, hey! I've been in Reno for six weeks. Did I miss anything?

You liar! You did it, you lying jerk! Take that! You did it! Objection! He's not asking any questions.

(WHISPERING) Call the police. (WHISPERING) I need change for a dollar. No change without purchase. What's the cheapest thing you've got? A 2-ounce bag of chips, $5.99.

you have been preapproved for a Money Bank charge card." Ooh, baby! Okay, let's see now. Occupation? Hmm. Butt doctor. Income? Whatever I finds, I keeps. Name? Hmm. Name. Name.

Oh, I'll come back, all right, and I'll bring my husband to do a little malpractice on you) Yes, your husband. I'm sure he's going to be furious. Hmph!

This is even more painful than it looks.

I want some taquitos.

It's called Cypress Creek--

But wait, you can't kill me for being Krusty. I'm not him! I'm Homer Simpson! The same Homer Simpson who crashed his car through the wall of our club? Uh, actually, my name is Barney. Yeah, Barney Gumble. The same Barney Gumble who keeps taking pictures of my sister? Actually, my real name is-- think, Krusty, think-- joe Valachi!

What? That's the sweetest plum! You little-- Aw, what the hell. You deserve it. Thanks, kids.

Don't forget Ken Starr!

Our third Sunday of every month should be a pleasure, not a chore. Where's someplace fun we can take Grampa next time ? To the pony ride ! No. Yeah ! Boring. He can't sit on ponies. I always enjoy the glass blower at Old Springfield Town. - Oh, he saw that. - Big yawner.

Okay. Gilligan, the Skipper, and Chief Wiggum. - Name three castaways. - Hi-oh! Ooh! Clancy, use the remote. Oh, yeah.

Why, you little..! He did that on purpose!

All right, let's go live to Bob headquarters now... for Mayor Terwilliger's victory speech.

Yes, there is. There's a garage full of counterfeit jeans. Uh, they've, uh, mysteriously disappeared. Looking good, boys.

Whoa! If only I were in Springfield, all my friends would be cheering me on.

Hey, Homer. Hey, Homer. Hey, Homer. Hey, Homer. Hey, Homer. Hey, Homer. Hey, Homer. Aaaaahh! Hey, Homer. Hey, Homer. Hiya, Homer! What's the matter? Aaaaaaahhh!

Bill defeated. I've said it before and I'll say it again, democracy simply doesn't work.

Mama. Mama. Maggie, you talked! Can you say "Mama" again? Sorry, lady. Show's over. Oh, Bart.

- Ow. - Five hundred, 400, 300, 200, 100, zero. Come on! This train goes right through Springfield.

Back to class, lad. Nothin' to see here. Here's my test. I'm not even going to grade this until you tell me the truth about what happened out there. The truth is--

Don't worry, guys. Something always comes along to save us. Uh, nevertheless, I remain confident... that something will come along and save the two Simpson children.

Nice nab, Simpson.

Well, therefore, you certainly would never lose your temper... over something as trivial as the pronunciation of "chowder." That's "chowdah!" "Chowdah!" I'll kill you! I'll kill all of you! Especially those of you in the jury! He's clearly guilty. Wow, that didn't go well. The defense rests.

(TIRES SQUEAL) Okay, okay. Remember the rules for drinking and driving. Drive slow, but not too slow. Drink some cola to keep yourself alert. What the... (GROANS)

Mind if I chew your ear? Dad, you killed the Zombie Flanders. He was a zombie?

I can't feed my family with a codpiece.

They practically live in their own filth.

Everybody was kung fu fighting Those cats were fast as lightning Good times.

Don Homer, my son, he has a-trouble with the-- Eh-eh-eh-eh-eh. Molto bene. That's a nice a-donut. Do you think you can get the dental plan back?

He's changed, and he doesn't want to hang around with a bunch of crumb-bums. Crumb-bums? Nobody calls me a crumb-bum!

Blah, blah, blah. Look at me-- Ow!

Agreed. Number two: The jury will be chosen by me. Agreed. No, wait! Silence! I give you the jury of the damned! Benedict Arnold. Lizzie Borden. Richard Nixon. But I'm not dead yet. In fact, I just wrote an article for Redbook. Hey, listen, I did a favor for you. Yes, master.

Step away from the wall! Step away from the wall! Oh, it's so beautiful! One churro, please. That'll be $14.

Nothin' at all. Nothin' at all. Stupid sexy Flanders! Ow! My leg! This is the worst pain ever! Ow! Ohh! Uhh! Aah! Ohh! Uhh!

Aahh! Run, sir. Every bone... shattered, organs... leaking vital fluids, a slight headache, loss of appetite. Smithers, I'm going to die.

I don't know who that is. Oh! Who needs her? Now I'll have more time to read things I find on the ground. "La-tex Con-dom." Boy, I'd like to live in one of those!

Is 3:15 good for you ?

Attention, everyone. The punch has been spiked!

Secondly, I have not always been known as jebediah Springfield. Till 1796 I was Hans Sprungfeld, murderous pirate. And the half-wits of this town will never learn the truth. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!

That's it. I cannot work under these conditions.

Oh, man. He'll blow our winning streak. Yeah. Call this an unfair generalization if you must, but old people are no good at everything. Look, guys, it's not that simple. He's my boss. I'll tell you what. I'll give him a shot, and if he stinks, it'll be easier to tell him no.

from the hurly-burly of modern life.

You all right, Grampa? Oh, daiSy, dais-- Oh, give me your anSwer do-- Will you quit your clowning? I need help here. Ohh!

Add one informed electorate. Baste well with veto power." "My back is spineless. My belly is yellow. I am the American nonvoter." "Stir in two cups of checks. Sprinkle liberally with balances."

And weren't you once in a loony bin? Oh, yeah! He's right, folks. The only story here is the rich, smooth taste of Duff. Yes, that is an important story, but so is this! It--

Sounds like good watchin'. He-Hey there, Marge. just brought the kids over... to share a prayer with the blessed angel, if it's okay with you. Get your own angel, you moocher! Thanks anyway, Homer.

(SNORING) Cuckold! Cuckold! Cuckold! What's a cuckold?

Kinda brings a tear to your eye socket. Mm-hmm. In the midst of all the killing and skin eating, somehow we forgot the love.

Good-bye, Bob! NO-O-o! - Guess who! - Maris? O-O-Oh, shoot!

Thanks to professional jerk-ass, Homer Simpson, athletes are now taunting and boasting just to get on our highlight reel. Disgusting. Now here's our highlight reel.

just remember, Son-- whatever happens, I'll always love you. As? As? As a father. A father. Regular father. Whew.

I'll make people laugh. Herschel, life is serious. Seltzer is for drinking, not for spraying. Pie is for noshing, not for throwing. But, Papa... But nothing! You'll do as I say or you'll get such a zetz that you won't even know what hit you.

Why, you little-- Homie, you're all right! We're a family again!

- Aah ! - Aah ! Why, you little-- Uh-oh ! Now I got ya ! Aah ! Aah ! Boy must die ! I love you, Dad ! Doh ! Dirty trick. Okay, I'm not gonna kill you,

Look. Just give me some inner peace, or I'll mop the floor with ya!

I hate the public so much. If only they'd elect me, I'd make 'em pay.

I guess I have been pretty hard on a lot of people, especially my dad. Thanks, you guys. Lisa, before you go, would you like to hear a song? Wow! That'd be great! Okay. Take it, apu. I'm sergeAnt pepper's lonely hearts club man I hope I Will enjoy my show

So Connie roamed the prairie alone... planting apples seeds all along the way. She even changed her last name to Appleseed. And her family changed theirs to Bufflekill.

Huh? "One plus one equals two?" "Write Edna K. Box 402."

we thought this time we'd take you to Disneyland for real. Yea! Hey!

Ow ! Nevermore, nevermore, nevermore, nevermore, nevermore-- Dag-- Doggone it !

Looks like he's ready to dive, folks! Another incredible performance by this water-loving wonder horse!

Mr. and Mrs. Simpson, your boy's gonna need one thing. (READING) Don't you mean "tough love"? Tough love. Of course! This has never made sense! The sign shop guy lied. Stanley, you didn't question the word "luck"? Now look what we got! Thanks for the correction. That's part of the honesty.

Rejoice, good people! Goliath the Terrible shall rule no more! But Goliath was the greatest king we ever had. Wha-- He built roads, hospitals, libraries. To us he was Goliath the Consensus Builder. You're under arrest for "megacide."

Hey! This has been a Gracie Films presentation.

and no one remembers that word. But here are some words everyone remembers by Huey Lewis and the News. I want a new drug One that won't make me sick One that won't make me crash my car Or make me feel 3 feet thick

Cool, man. A media circus.

Those were the dAys and you knew where you were then Watching shows like gentle Ben Mister, we could use A man like sheriff lobo again diSco duck and fleetwood Mac

Oh, really? Phew. Man, it's windy as hell out there.

Wait. (GRUNTING) I did it. I pulled it out. And with no brain damage... (STUTTERING REPEATEDLY) Now we'll get all your chips out, go to the police and shut this place down.

Let's say hello to my music guy, Scoey.

Your scrapings have landed on my jacket from Planet Hollywood Orlando. - So, what if it did? - So, it is very thoughtless. I should cut you like I cut sodium out of my diet. You don't scare me with your dignity and your subtle cologne. Then perhaps you should be taught a lesson by us...

We've heard enough. Your Honor, we find that Homer Simpson's soul is legally the property... of Marge Simpson and not of the devil. Yea! Whoo-hoo-- Ow! All right, Simpson. You get your soul back.

wanna know if he loves you So it's in his kiss All right, boy, come on. Today we're gonna-- But is it in his faCe? oh, no, it's just his charm Gonna what, Homer?

Do us a favor. Invent yourself some underpants.

Not as rich as they should be, of course, but still rich! All the big money! Look at all the names that own money... and have lots of money! Oh, he's poor. But look at all the other people that aren't p--

Burns was rushed to a nearby hospital, where he was pronounced dead. He was then transferred to a better hospital, where doctors upgraded his condition to alive.

Hey, Homer. What are you doing at work? The plant's closed for fumigation.

Malloy said, "I'll catch up with you." I couldn't quite put my finger on it. There was something strange about the way he walked. Much more vertical than usual.

Hey! Why, you little-- Okay, you're ready to go. I've written down the basic commands... so that anyone can understand them. Hmm. Homer, bring that back in the house. Fine.

Oh, well, of course everything looks bad if you remember it. Now, where are my chili boots? Ah! Okay. We'll go to the Chili Cook-Off.

See this, Son? That's where we're going to live. Maybe not today. Maybe not tomorrow. But someday. Later that day, we set sail for America.

Where's Bart? His Mountain Dew is getting flat. That's odd. He's outside digging. Probably digging for drugs. There's no drugs out there. No, of course not. It's not a school project. I'd have heard of it. I'd better go check it out. What are you doing?

Oh. I should know this one. The-- The Leader? Ah. Correct again. He's wrong! You're wrong! The whole damn system is wrong! What's the matter, Lisa? You used to be such a good student.

Okay. Go, boy! Go find help. Go find help, boy. No! Bad dog! Bad dog!

It's been St. Patrick's Day for hours, and I'm still not drunk yet! Oh, it's never gonna be 9:00. Moe! Moe! Thank God you're here. We'd like to come in and drink, please. We kicked down the back door, but then there was a metal door. Yeah, all right. Listen up. This is the busiest drinking day of the year.

So, you like doughnuts, eh? - Uh-huh. - Well, have all the doughnuts in the world!

But get a cheap one, and what happens? It goes off, takes out the eyeballs of every kid in the room. What's that gonna cost you? Bill, what did that cost us?

Oh, I'll kill myself if Portugal doesn't win.

"Truly, yours is a butt that won't quit.

Come on, Bart! The Coast Guard's covering the "Doo"! A do-do-do-do-do A do-do-do-do-do A do-do-do-do-do A do-do

Or "I'm going crazy !" Why don't you climb up on Daddy's knee and tell him all about it. I'm just wondering what's the point ? Would it make any difference at all if I never existed ?

I don't want to hear about it, Simpson. You're fired !

You impaled a United States senator with the American flag. Why did Mr. Smith kill everybody? It was symbolism. He was mad! But this was going to be the studio's prestige picture, like Howard's End or Sophie's Choice. Ew! Those movies sucked. I only saw them to get Marge into the sack.

You're a fraud-- A total fraud. It was nice meeting you.

You call that a knife? This is a knife. Down I go. Oh.

They drove a dump truck full of money up to my house. I'm not made of stone!

What the hell was that? Calling home planet. This is Ensign Kang reporting a cigar-shaped object moving at tremendous speed. Sure, Kang, I'm writing it all down.

Welcome to the noble family of skilled Krustaceans. You will now go back to your hometowns... and do kids' parties, swap meets... and all the other piddly crap I wouldn't touch with a 10-foot clown pole. Now, come and get your cat-skins-- uh, I mean, sheepskins.

Seymour, tell me what time it is, now! 7:00, Friday night, Mother. Time for our weekly silhouette. No! Cutting out your ugly nose gives me a hand cramp! Oh, but you love silhouette night.

Oi! Oi! Is your name on the list? Don't you know who I am? It's okay, Cecil. They're V.I.P.s. Cecil is a girl's name.

with a vulcanized rubber listening tube... which you crammed in your ear. The tube would go in easier with Some sort of lubricant... like linseed oil or Dr. Shumway's--

Yes? What is it? What? What is it? Can I play with it? No, you can't play with it. You won't enjoy it on as many levels as I do.

Here we go again. Three, two, one. Happy New Year! It must be wonderful to ring in the New Year...

The Itchy and Scratchy Show

Simba, on the ball. Aaah! Not the face! Ah, they'll be chewing on him for a while. ¡Ay, Ay, Ay! ¡La policÍA! Hey, Homer. Phone call.

Please join us in a toast. To the mission! It begins! Give me that! Stop him! Barney, no! Give me that bottle! No! No! No!

Damn Burns. Lemme just get one thing. Me too. Ah, now there's the inflated sense of self-esteem.

some inspiring things that someone else may have told you in the course of your lives and go out there and win. Not so fast, Simpson. The man who plays your position is here. Hit the pine. Ohhh!

what do you say we go out for a round of frosty chocolate milkshakes ? All righty !

And now, let's give a big Fort Springfield welcome... to Mr. Bob Hope! What's the mayor's name? Quimby. Beautiful. Hello, this is Bob "What the hell am I doing in Springfield" Hope.

Aah! Guys, guys! This is the wrong movie.

Happy birthday to you Happy birthday - Happy birthday to you - Happy birthday Happy birthday, Burnsie Happy birthday to you Go to hell, you old bastard. Hey, I think they liked us. Have the Rolling Stones killed.

I brought you your Krusty doll. Ow! Knock it off, you bald boob! Don't make me come down there! Like to see you Fit. Why, you little...! Put a man on him. I like the other boy. So polite.

Sorry! Sorry! Okay. Here's Comic Book Guy's instructions. "A carton of malted milk balls, one box confectioner's sugar, a can of chocolate frosting"-- That's just his shopping list. No. It's his instructions. Well, we're gonna make some changes around here. This store's gonna be run by kids and for kids.

Who is it? Uh, it's an angry mob, ma'am. Could you step outside for a twinkle while we knock down your house? Just a minute.

"H" is for Homer!

Out of the way, Midge.

Hey, monkey, you want a peanut? I said one!

Uh, are you sure that's safe?

Okay, we've got cocktail weenies and Swedish meatballS. this wedding is spinning out of control. I've run through eight of the ten dollars... they gave me when I left prison. I told you I got money. I bought stock in a Mace company...

Well done, young man. Your youthful trendiness will come in handy throughout the courting process... because these days, you-- Where did you get that pie? Windowsill. You! Hmm? New underpants?

Ooh! TrÈs bien!

I was standing right here when the horrible creature emerged from the woods. For the love of God, help me! I've been here for four days and a turtle's got ahold of my teeth! There he is! Come back here, you! Slow down! I'll get ya!

So, what songs did I miss? Dad, L.T.'s gone crazy! Yeah. That's the look. Think he's gonna do something dangerous? How should I know? Just keep loading missiles.

- Angela, I'm afraid I-- - Thank you. Next.

You ever gone on a killing spree? No, no. The day of the gun-toting, disgruntled postman... shooting up the place went out with the Macarena. Well, I'm just glad I work at an elementary school.

No, I don't think we'll be telling them that.

Shall we ever see Springfield's costumed protector again? Oh, I have a funny feeling we will. Wherever people are mistreated, the Pie Man will strike! (CHUCKLES)

Ay, caramba! "Hungrily yours, Edna." Well, she's dangled on the line long enough. It's time to boat this bass. "When I read your letters, I feel as if you are right here watching me." Bart! Eyes down. Yes, ma'am. "Every second until we meet "stabs me like a thousand needles.

Selma, I don't know what to say. just tell me like MacGyver. Very well. I-- I-- I can't do it! Even that car chase seemed tacked on.

Hi, Lisa. Hi, Super Nintendo Chalmers. I'm "learnding." Aw, way to go, Ralph.

Huh? Hee-hee-hee! Aahh! Aahh! Didn't Itchy junior look happy playing with his father?

We're too powerful. Yeah, you're right. But before I go, I'm gonna give you a little souvenir of my own! Oh, what the hey. Here you go. Thank you, Dad.

Unbelievable. We're rewarding people for acting like buffoons.

J Jellyfish, along you came;

Ahhh! (SNOWBALL II MEOWING) Shame on you two creeps! It's your fault for giving birth to my archenemy! At least I was planned! (BOTH GRUNTING) Stop it! No one was planned!

Yes, finally. I would like to return your quote, unquote "Ultimate Belt." I see. Do you have receipt, quote, unquote "sir"? No, I do not have a receipt. I won it as a door prize at the Star Trek convention, although I find their choice of prize highly illogical, as the average Trekker has no use for a medium-sized belt.

It's just a little dusty. Ohh. Wait a minute. Ah-ha ! Wait. There's still more space dust on here.

Appearing exclusively here at The Android's Dungeon-- Take that, Messieurs Barnes and Noble. The king of splatter, Tom Savini! Good evening. Sorry, I had a really big dinner. Whoo! Dinner!

Hey, don't throw your garbage down here!

Have you been drinking? No! Well, 10 beers. I'm telling you I saw a creature from another planet. Maybe you just dreamed it. Oh, yeah? When I came to, I was covered with a sticky translucent goo. Explain that. More sausage?

"Last night's comedy benefit delivered wall-to-wall laughs without exception." Phew. "The only exception was the embarrassingly dated humor... of Springfield's green-haired, red-nosed hack--" Yeah, yeah, yeah. "Krusty the Clown." No!

and my homosexuals flaming! Zap! Homer, at least come out and say hello.

if they send us to that terrible Planet of the Apes. Wait a minute. Statue of Liberty. That was our planet! You maniacs! You blew it up! Damn you! Damn you all to hell!

Oh, shush yourself. English - US - Line 21

Mmm. Various eggs.

If it doesn't have Siamese twins in a jar, it's not a fair.

Uncky Herb! Bart! Lisa! I'm so glad to see you. You weren't so glad to see me. I'm sorry, but I'm still mad at you. Every word you say makes me want to punch you.

What a crappy candle.

And we've come to see...

Damn crappy nails!

Nice. Very nice. What'd it say? No, no, no. Bob. Bob, come in. A fine mahoke to you all. Why, he's even better.

We've had lots and lots and lots and lots and lots of fun but now the time has come... To go if this old clown was found dead in his bed tomorrow I'd be in heaven still doing this show. See you some other time! Hyuk! Hyuk! Hyuk!

Uh-oh. My heart just stopped. Ah, there it goes. Ow! Stupid wishing well!

I am the thing from Uranus! Oh, it's Bart. I can't believe it.

I hear you loud and clear. Bart, are you taking a bath?

Oh, I am, am I? Is that what you think? Well, if that is what you think, I have something to tell you. Something that may shock and discredit you. And that thing is as follows. I'm not wearing a tie at all.

just a minute! Don't hang up! Y'ello? You'll have to speak up. I'm wearing a towel.

You're my best friend. Thanks, Krusty. Buy my cereal. Buy my cereal.

Hey, mellow out, old dudes, or I'll jam this baby into a river. All right ? All right.

I glued my head to my shoulder.

Hey, Billy, hey, joey-- Come on in. There's plenty of room. Sorry. Not you, Homer. Why not? But you let in Homer Glumpet. It says "No Homers." We're allowed to have one.

Promote that man. The navy has a fine sense of tradition. Whenever an American vessel leaves port, the crew sings this ancient sea chanty: A'one, a'two, a'three--

Oh, my. Gracias, seÑor. De nada. If you ever need me, just ring. Does anyone have any jumper cables?

Would it be so bad if I just went home for an hour? Whoa. Don't worry. I'll be right back. Ew. Someone's been marking their territory.

Tonight on Smartline, the power plant strike-- argle-bargle or foofaraw? With us tonight are plant owner C.M. Burns, union kingpin Homer Simpson...

What kind of a monster would humiliate me like this? This has been a Bart-toon presentation. In association with Ay Carumba Entertainment. Why that little--

of peace and love our family's experienced. Well, not today. You saw what happened ! Oh, Lord, be honest ! Are we the most pathetic family in the universe or what ? Amen. Worst prayer yet.

Homer, are you all right? No. Mr. Simpson, don't you worry. I watched Matlock in a bar last night. The sound wasn't on, but I think I got the gist of it.

I'll be right there. I’ve almost got me a kitty cat.

D'oh! (GROWLING) (ROARING) Oh, my God! I'm gonna be killed by a bear! Well, I guess I don't have to worry anymore about the dangers of smoking. Smooth. (ROARING) (HOMER WHIMPERING)

Yes, I'd like to send this letter to the Prussian consulate in Siam by aeromail. Am I too late for the 4:30 autogiro? Um, better look in the manual. Ignorance.

Son, let's stop the fussin' and the feudin'.

Do you want the wizard or the skull? Occasions, persuasions clutter your mind Incense and peppermints the color of time Okay, let's see. "Toke as needed.

All I brought is a dime. I didn't know there'd be pornography. Sold, for 12 cents. Oh, my beloved pornography. I can't watch this anymore.

All right, that's it. You're goin' down, pal. Oh, boy. Oh! I really wanna sleep. I... also sleep. Good night, Mommy.

- Whoo-hoo! - Whoo-hoo! Simpson, what in God's name are you-- Zagnut bar, Mr. Smithers? Razzles, Skittles, Whatchamacallits, Twizzlers? They all have hilarious names and are delicious. Well, I am partial to jolly Ranchers. Mmm. Good work, Simpson. Simpsons.

Yeah, I guess you're right. Enjoy Boob-A-Rama, sir.

- I love ya. - What? Uh, I love ya, Mom. I love ya. I love ya. I love ya. I love ya. I love ya, Mom. Gotta go.

Tonight on Wings-- Ah, who cares?

Huh. That was easy. Why did you think a big balloon would stop people? Shut up! That's why. Oh! What a horrible four months. Now to warn everybody!

Sure. I'd be happy to tell you my problem. I've got a venue the whole world will be watching and nothing to fill it with. Wait a minute. You've got a medium, and I've got a message. Maybe God brought us together for a reason. Yeah. You help me and I, in turn, am helped by you.

What? This is a travesty! Everyone knows I'm the best actor in this ridiculous school! Sit down, Rex. I will not sit down. Someone's gotten to you, you deceitful cow! That's absurd, Rex. Ralph won the part fair and square.

Move it, bub! We got an installation to "installate."

"Gomer upsets Sergeant Carter." Oh, I'll never forget that episode. Pyle! Shazam! Pyle! Shazam! Pyle! Shazam! Shazam.

Ah! What the hell is this? Some kind of tube? Hey-- Well, thanks for takin' care of Dole for me. Hey!

Bigfoot. The legendary half-man half-ape is no longer a legend. He's very, very real. What you're about to see is unedited video footage... taken earlier today in the hills three miles southwest of Tenderfoot Gorge.

Evenin', neighbor. Low on funds again? Yes, sir. Now, Homer, we can't have you burglarizing us... every time you got a bill to pay. I know, sir. I'm sorry, sir. It's just that you and Maude live like royalty in your fancy castle, while I got Marge trapped over there like a pig in a mud beehive.

Come on, Bart. Ride me. I better not. He's insulting both of us.

and while we speak in a well-educated manner, they tend to use lowbrow expressions like, "Oh, yeah?" and "C'mere a minute." Oh, yeah? They think they're better than us, huh? Bart, c'mere a minute! You c'mere a minute! Oh, yeah?

I'd like to play me latest chart topper. It's called "Me Fans Are Stupid Pigs." Bart, you've got to go on. Slag off. You've changed, man. It used to be about the music.

But, Reverend, I need to know. Is God punishing me? Ooh! Short answer-- yes, with an "if." Long answer-- no, with a "but."

Have no fears We've got stories for years Like Marge becomes a robot Maybe Moe gets a cell phone Has Bart ever owned a bear Or how 'bout a crazy wedding Where something happens and doo doo doo doo doo Sorry for the clip show

I hate this place.

Thirty-eight pins going into the eighth. That's right. Well, he's stepping up now. He needs to get at least a spare. Shh !

Hey, you're lookin' at that spokesjack! Well, I can fantasize too! Hmm. Woo! Mama Celeste. You touch me and I cut you! Oh. Homer, I'll tell you what I told Redford.

He aint no cowboy! Sure I am. Okay, he's in. Now let's rob the bank... give the money to the poor... then rob the poor and shoot the money! Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo! Achtungl

Oh, I get it! I get jokes.

Who is that? Why, it's Bart Simpson! Hello, Bart! He's just shy because I've tried to kill him so many times. Ah. I really must thank you for this moment of tranquillity, Edna.

I am a washing machine. Do what I say. Take that! In the face! You knocked his block off! Come with me.

Ooh. Mom. Dad. I missed you. Aww! Homer, that's Hans Moleman. Can I keep him anyway? Huh? Huh? ...Scratchy Show

Hmm. Needs more dog.

Sounding good, Lise.

Test? Game over, mate. Okay, all right. You can bluff your way through one test. Mr. Toad has a red blank. Okay. Skip that one.

What is all this stuff? Uh, we've heard you've become a star. We decided we better start living in the fast lane. What if I'm not a success? How will you pay for all this? I'm sorry. I can't hear you, son. I'm wearing a jacuzzi suit.

Here's why they shouldn't get anything. One--

Oh, man. Why does everything bad have to happen to me? When i'm feeling low, do you know what always cheers me up? Is it love? Kindness? Ooh, tough room. Video games. What do you got? Billy Graham's Bible Blaster?

A phony ticker-tape parade will help you avoid littering laws. Welcome back, Space Girl. Now you're ready to make pretzels. Open your bag of ingredients--

They won't stop me from delivering these UNICEF pennies. Go, pennies. Help the puny children who need you.

Oh, loneliness and cheeseburgers are a dangerous mix.

Hmm. No one's touching the hors d'oeuvres. It's Bart's moon party from outer space... What? Bart, why don't you spend the money on something for Mom? She does so much for us. Well, someday I'd like to go on a nice vacation.

I'm really sorry about what I did, Alison.

And so, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I rest my case.

Yeah. Think about it.

Wait. Yes. I think I know just the thing. Uh, sir? You have to tell me what your plan is, or-- or nothing will happen. Oh, yes. Of course. The plan.

Homer, I want you to encourage Lisa with her science fair project. Yeah. Syrup is better than jelly.

That house is on fire. Motivated seller.

We're talking about S-E-X in front of the C-H-i-L-D-R-E-N. Sex Cauldron? I thought they closed that place down!

Don't blame me. I didn't do it.

It was just vapor lock. I'm dead. So if I play, the guys are gonna kill me. If I don't, I'll be letting Homer down. What am I gonna do? Well, I know you don't want to disappoint Dad, but how do you feel about lying to him?

Ooh! Keep your hands to yourself, mister. Now we don't want to kill him.

Then why is he attacking all those other elephants? Well, animals are a lot like people, Mrs. Simpson. Some of them act badly because they've had a hard life, Stampy! or have been mistreated. But, like people, some of them are just jerks. Stop that, Mr. Simpson.

If there's A task that must be done don't turn your tail and run don't pout don't sob just do A half-assed Job if you

Found 'em! You kids are in big trouble, running away from home like this! But they stole our lemon tree! I don't care what excuse you've got. Nothing's gonna stop me in the middle of this speech. You're gonna-- Lemon tree?

I'll bet she's sneaking food from someplace else. Let's follow her! I'd rather follow the dog. I think he's up to something. (PLANE BUZZING) One thing at a time, Bart. (MEOWING)

I'm ruined! Forbes called it: Overblown, don't you think? What about New Coke? Hey! I invented that.

The wrestler? Come on, tubby. Get off the court. Scat! Come on, let's play. I've gotta tape a Ho Hos commercial. Which one am I, Serena or Venus? You're Andre. I'm Serena.

Dickety? Highly dubious.

But now, because of your distrustful nature, that can never be. For a superior race, they really rub it in. There were monsters on that ship, and truly, we were them.

I'm afraid I must insist. You see, my wife, she has been most vocal on the subject of the pretzel monies: "Where's the money? When are you going to get the money? Why aren't you getting the money now?" And so on. So, please, da money.

Now, your mother, she's the steady type, and that's fine in small doses. But me, I'm a risk taker. That's why I have so many adventures. Dad, you're headed for the river again! Dad! Feel your heart pumping a mile a minute?

We bought a wicker basket from Trader Pete's, and he was passed out inside.

Debate, like arguing ?

Sure. Sure we had. Of course we was caves. But every cave had a national anthem. I'll never forget my cave's national anthem.

Now! Now! How could I not become a radical... when we were fighting a force of pure evil? Hey, hey, Mr. Burns! Enough already with the germs.

Oh! What are you doing to me? I said start it at 60 r.p.m., then move it up to 100 on the skirt blow! - Sorry, Krusty, I choked. - You choked? You choked?

Man, technology's amazing. A guy could do great things with a gadget like that. Well, if you want one, they sell 'em at--

I think it's sad that you equate friendliness with wimpiness, and I hope it'll keep you from ever achieving true popularity. You know what I think ? I think Casper's the ghost of Richie Rich. Hey, they do look alike. I wonder how Richie died. Perhaps he realized how hollow the pursuit of money is and took his own life.

Of course he did. Really? Oh. Because the thing is, um, mine didn't. Oh, my God, Ned!

Can you imagine a world without lawyers?

When you come out of there the first thing you're going to see is a man with a good job. Yeah. The doctor. Workin' 9 to 5 what A way to make A livin' ...and when ye tallow hardens, we remove it from yon mold.

I don't know, Marge. I can't be expected to keep track of all my wheelings and dealings. He blew all your savings on jack-o'-lanterns. You told! Sorry, Marge. I never want to see you again! You either.

Ooh, sounds delish. Let me just toss some jeans on and-- Wait a minute. Who is this? Well, howdilly dodilly-do. Hello?

Hey, kids, always recycle... to the extreme! Busted!

Oh, no. I thought McBain was a nonstop roller coaster... of chills, thrills, spills and kills. And that chase at the end, my friend ? Mwah ! Are you nuts ? That movie stinks like your creepy one-bedroom apartment. Your mother didn't think it was so creepy. "My mother." Real mature. I'm sick of your grade-school humor. I love watching the bald guy argue with the fat tub of lard. Ooh.

I'm here to pick up the ambassador from Ghana. Well, he's not here! Nobody's here! And none of you should be here! You've all been tricked! Why would the ambassador do such a thing? This is ridiculous.

Never! Look, Simpson. I've been elected... by the voters of this city 16 years in a row, so they must think I'm doing a damn good job. You want to know what I think? No. Nobody wants to hear the nonsensical ravings of a loudmouthed malcontent. Well, we'll see about that!

Cut it off, but be careful.

Oh! No! Wait a minute.

Oy! That's gotta hurt!

The town of Springfield has been classified "N.W.B.," or "Nuclear Whipping Boy." In the first moments of a nuclear war, Springfield will be bombed at will... by all friendly nations to calibrate their missiles.

Food patrol, we're all starved. Let's see what you've got. That's it? What happened to all the lobsters, mangoes and chewy, chewy cocoa beans? All we found were these oozing berries. And they look pretty poisonous. I "eated" the purple berries.

- The door already is closed. - What? This is Colonel Leslie "Hap" Hapablap. If you don't open that door, I'll tear you up like a Kleenex at a snot party! You say you're in the military? Sweet Enola Gay, son! I'm gonna come in there and corpse you up! Corpse you up and mail you to mama!

Mickey Rooney! Hi, Milhouse. The studio sent me to talk to you, being a former child star myself, and... the number-one box office draw from 1939 through 1940! Wow! Spanning two decades.

Okay, we've got the secret vigilante handshake. Now we need code names.

Whoopi would've made it work. And now I present Puma Pride by a college-educated artist--

We got redheads!

Don't worry, Homer. I have a foolproof strategy to get you out of here. Surprise witnesses-- each more surprising than the last. I tell you-- the judge won't know what hit him. Pipe down in there, Hutz! Your license is hereby revoked...

And go see your son. He misses you. Oh, I miss him too, the big, fat dickens.

The same Barney Gumble who keeps taking pictures of my sister? Actually, my real name is-- think, Krusty, think-- joe Valachi! The same joe Valachi who squealed to the Senate committee about organized crime? Benedict Arnold. The same Benedict Arnold who plotted to surrender West Point to the hated British?

Copy off another kid? Pay attention and take notes? Well, take note of this. (CHOKING) (CHUCKLES) (CHOKING) (CHUCKLES) (SIGHS) Bart really did get 100.

Four minutes. And so one town's brief flirtation with prohibition... ended in a joyous remarriage to Lady Liquor. Congratulations, Springfield. We wish you the very best! To alcohol, the cause of and solution to... all of life's problems.

Aaah! Daddy, I'm scared. Scared of what? All the funny camp songs we're gonna sing? We'll be safe inside our fortress when they come We'll be safe from creeps and killers when they come

I'm terribly sorry, sir. I'm afraid our facilities are not equipped to meet your needs. What are you talking about? What I'm saying, sir, is that a man of your carriage... couldn't possibly fit in our seats. I could sit in the aisle. I'm afraid that would violate the fire code.

Good luck, sir. No bag boys are gonna stop Lenny... from hosting a casual get-together. Casual? I can taste that get-together now. Hey! I was holding that. Next time I'll knock your hat off, scab.

Major shot! You even compensated for the crooked sight.

The chain that put the "fat" in fat Southern sheriffs! I want a colossal doughnut, just like the one on the sign. D'oh! Nuts!

He's basically a good kid. He's just weak-- morally and in the upper body. Hmm. Please let me slip through the cracks.

How could you let this happen? How could you let this happen? I wasn't here. Oh, how convenient. Homer, do you want your son to become chief justice of the Supreme Court... or a sleazy male stripper? Can't he be both, like the late Earl Warren? Earl Warren wasn't a stripper. Now who's being naive?

- Hey, you know, I once knew a man from Nantucket. - And? Let's just say the stories about him are greatly exaggerated. Howdy, gangstas. I am average American joe salary-man waiter. These prices suck. 10,000 yen for coleslaw? Don't you serve anything that's even remotely japanese?

Shh. Don't tell me to shush, you stupid lady!

Mmm. That one. Someone's in here. No! No! No! Oh! - Oh, for the love of-- - Boy. I've never seen a man so desperate to get out of five minutes of calisthenics.

But, Marge, look at that hangdog expression. He's learned his lesson. Let's get him a present.

How about a tactical nuclear strike? Oh, that would be just-- Ohh. You're just yanking my chain, aren't you? Perhaps this foghorn will answer your question. Enough! Get in the net. I don't wanna!

Good-bye, cruel world. Hello, ironic twist.

I'll do it. I'll rob the Kwik-E-Mart. All right, put your-- D'oh! Oh, well, I'll rob it next time.

Call Surgeon General C. Everett Koop Koop-Koop-a-doop This is worse than your song about Mr. T. I pity the fool who doesn't like... he.

Hm. Hm. Hm. Mmm! Mmm! Forbidden doughnut. Hmm? Well, well. Finishing something?

This proves Bart lied about being kidnapped. Not yet. Can we verify exactly what time Bart was at the show? (TAPE REWINDING) If only we had the exact date. (TAPE REWINDING) Bingo! Thank you, Mr. Alcatraaaz.

Oh-- What was I laughing at now? Oh, yes. That crippled Irishman.

I... am a coward!

All right. It's true. I am a murderer. I overwatered Maude's favorite ficus plant, I panicked and then I buried the remains. I was hoping to replace it before you got home. Oh. But I heard a woman scream.

Lisa, quick! Screw these back on. Mom, calm down. The party's not for another three hours. Oh, good. That will give me time to add another coat of glaze to the ham.

Looks like those clowns in Congress did it again. What a bunch of clowns.

Well, I see President Fillmore is in the news again. Glug, glug, glug. What'll it be, boys? Just three X's for me.

Lurleen will be a big success, and I'll be there. Fine. See if I care!

Whoa! Sign's floating away, Chief.

And "Please let me die." "OW. That hurts." Oh, yeah, number one. Definitely. I don't know. I like "Why are you doing this?" "OW. That hurts." We'll go with "OW. That hurts," Skip. My name is Wink.

Marge, did I ruin your life? Oh, is this about that billboard my sisters put up? No. The voters will decide that in November. l was talking about this.

Crap! Crap! Crap! Crap! Crap! Crap! Crap! Crap! Crap! Crap! Bart, what happened? Well, we hit a little snag when the universe sort of collapsed on itself.

I'll take him out, sir. Shake, shake, shake shake, shake, shake Shake, shake, shake His ass is gonna blow!

You want the pee bucket on your head? No! You're twisting my words!

and ability to be personally offended by broad social trends. Really? Mm-hmm. Very much. And your laugh. You mean, "Ha"? Mm-hmm. That's the one that makes me feel-- Hoo, boy! You have a breath mint I could borrow? I've got some menthol cigarettes.

And the next 20 callers will get this album of museum noises. Now your music room can sound... just like the Metropolitan Museum in New York. Outstanding.

You want fries with that? You did it, Dad! You saved us! I'm proud you're my father. Go away. Eating. Well, it sure is lucky... we stumbled upon this old, abandoned summer camp. Yeah.

Thank you, Ralph, very graphic.

My God! That's monstrous. I've never heard of anything so negligen-- I'll have no part of it. - Can you recommend a doctor who will? - Yes. Hi, everybody! Hi, Dr. Nick!

Testing. Testing. You've really done it this time, Bart! You're in for the punishment of a lifetime! When do you expect the ringing will stop? In about 10 to 15 seconds! I certainly hope so!

Until now, this was the only way to get juice from an orange. You mean there's a better way?

Are you going to a rap performance? Hell, yeah. I'm representin' at Murder 4 Life. Know what I'm sayin'? All too well.

Say it in English, Doc.

Why ? It just is, that's why. Now, this is a picture of your enemy, Todd Flanders. Every day I want you to spend 15 minutes staring at it... and concentrating on how much you hate him... and how glorious it will be when you and Charlene annihilate him. Who's Charlene ?

Ta. I guess some people never change. Or they quickly change and then quickly change back. You know what? We don't need him or his trophy. We got each other, huh? Yeah, yeah. That's right, Moe. Aww. Go, Homer, you're our man! If you can't do it, nobody can!

Yeah, they ate all my socks! I have to wear Lisa's to school today. How do you explain the culottes, boy? Well, I have to coordinate.

most degrading work known to man-- janitorial work. Ahh, gee. I'm standing right here, sir. Oh, yes. Uh-- Take a good look at him, Nelson, 'cause that's where you're headed. After you claim your stolen merchandise, go directly to Mr. Muntz for an apology.

It's Kurns, stupid!

Five dollars a child? Last year, it was free. Mmm. New ownership. B-- But we don't have that kind of money. In fact, no school could afford the--

Mayor Quimby supports revolving-door prisons. Mayor Quimby even released Sideshow Bob, a man twice convicted of attempted murder. Can you trust a man like Mayor Quimby? Vote Sideshow Bob for mayor.

Smartline, with our local Emmy Award-winning host, Kent Brockman. Is it a masterpiece ? Or just some guy with his pants down ? That's our topic tonight on Smartline. Now, Mrs. Simpson,

Wow, Joe Namath! That's right. My car broke down in front of your house. Yo, dudes! Awesome show. It's 'N Sync!

- So the last time you saw your father was six years ago? - Yeah. He left me out on the curb for the ashman. What a revoltin' development. You brave little soldier.

Stricken, I lurched forth in search of aid. But finding only slack-jawed gawkers, I gave up and collapsed on the sundial.

Ow! Ow! Oh! Ow! Oh! Bart, are you in there? Have you forgotten our little "kablammo" talk?

E.T., the extraterrestrial. I love that little guy. Leonard Nimoy? What are you doing here?

Take five, Mrs. Feesh.

That horse better win, or we're taking a trip to the glue factory. And he won't get to come. Yeah, that's a great tour. - But you can't see it all in one day. - Hey, be quiet.

As long as there's an ounce of strength left in me, I-- Mmm. Mr. Burns is suffering from what we medical men call hypohemia. In layman's terms, it's quite simply a lack of blood. Damn it, Doctor, I'm no idiot ! I know what hypohemia is.

It sure was nice of Mr. Burns to invite us... for a midnight dinner at his country house in... Pennsylvania.

By gum, it worked. I've awakened in the future. "Moon Pie." What a time to be alive.

Con: You're endangering your health. Pro: I'm drought and famine resistant. Con: You're setting a bad example for the children. Pro: I, uh, don't have to go to work. Con: You're running the air conditioner nonstop. It's freezing in here. Pro: Uh-- Uh, I love you.

Ooh, that's bad.

I thought I recognized you. I gave you a plate of corn muffins back in 1947 to paint my chicken coop. And you never did it! Those corn muffins were lousy. Paint my chicken coop! Make me!

Oh, yeah, right. Then we're goin' to Las Vegas-- Which is actually back in that direction. Nobody's gonNa tAke my Ned gonna teach him to have fun ooh, he's A FlanderS machine--

My hobby is secretly videotaping couples in cars. I didn't come forward, because in this country, it makes you look like a pervert. But every single Scottish person does it! Oh, baby. Oh, yeah. Oh, baby. Ah, no, that's Mayor Quimby.

This orange drink is the only way... to recoup our terrible losses from Fire Drill Follies. I just don't know what went wrong. You opened the show with a fire drill, and everyone cleared out. Mm. So Mother was right. It was my fault.

What the-- Oh, it's you. So, you're looking well. Come on, Bart. You know better than to talk to strangers. For your information, I'm his father. His father-- the drunken gambler?

Wow! I need a drink!

All right! You guys are my new best friends. You wish, loser! (GRUNTS)

Hey. I need to see your claim checks for that luggage. Oh, of course. I have it right here. I'll need to see yours too. - You got it! - I'll take your word for it. You're just doing your job.

Hey, there, blimpie boy flying through the sky so fancy free

I see you Braves received our smoke signal.

Hello, my name is Mr. Burns. I believe you have a letter for me. Okay, Mr. Burns. Uh, what's your first name? I don't know.

Psst! Bishop to queen four. We're playing dominoes. I said bishop to queen four. All right, all right, ya-- Oof! Simpson, you're a menace.

Wait. Mine came back. I know how to cheer you up. This little piggy went to Kwik-E-Mart. This little piggy went nuts. This little piggy went surfing. And this little piggy went-- Oh!

Hey! This is a Flintstones Fun Map. Look, Dad wrote something. "'Dino.' Short for dinosaur?

Well, most women will tell you that you're a fool... to think you can change a man. But those women are quitters! What? When I first met your father, he was loud, crude and piggish. But I worked hard on him, and now he's a whole new person. Mom?

To the gag, I will give a D-plus. As for the workmanship on the hand, it-- Oh. That's not right! You mocking me! Oh, that is rich.

Well, it's no wonder I can't draw dignity. I gave it up when I married her. Now, Kirk, it's only a game. Sometimes we-- Oh, cram it, Churchie! Maybe we should all have a few drinks.

Men are such slime. But I'm seeing this new guy. I think he's different. Yoo-hoo! He says his name is Homer, and he works at the nuclear plant.

Oh! Dirty diapers on strings! Ow! Ohh! Ohh! Ow! Ooh!

Oh, Miss Krabappel. Oh, your hair smells so... clean. Master, you are needed in the kitchen. I said cover for me, damn it ! But, master, we need your skilled hands ! My skilled hands are busy. You do it !

Tomorrow, there's a two-for-one sale on piano benches! I can't wait! Ooh, ooh, ooh! I feel so ripped off by that crappy movie.

You stumbled on the secret that only truck drivers are supposed to know. Hey, pay attention and stop looking at that squirrel.

We heard what you said. Yeah! Heard it old school. It's N'Sync! Can the chitchat, Milhouse. We've got just the song you need to defuse this whack attack.

Excuse me, but "proactive" and "paradigm"-- aren't these just buzzwords that dumb people use to sound important? Not that I'm accusing you of anything like that. I'm fired, aren't I?

Hey, you can't come in here dressed like that!

Duh, stay out of Riverdale!

Hey, hey! It's great to be back at the Apollo Theater and-- "K.K.K."? That's not good. Oh! Ah! Oh! What? Hey! Oh!

Uh, I guess I'll walk home.

Mr. Smithers must have seen that program too. He never misses it. Hmm. At the town meeting, he mentioned that he watched Comedy Central. I made sure to note that, as it seemed quite unusual. Ye gods! To the police station, Krusty!

Now! Do it! Oh! DO it!

Wait a minute ! You did it ! Excuse me ? Attention, fellow children ! Krusty didn't rob that store ! Sideshow Bob framed him, and I got proof ! Ow ! My foot ! You lousy, stupid, clumsy-- See that ? Krusty wore big floppy shoes, but he's got little feet like all good-hearted people !

Who's out there? Give me your names so I can tell the police. Seymour, what's going on? What's that odor? Go back to bed, Mother. I've got it under control. Listen, you crumb-bums. If you think I'm impressed, I am not. I--

Pl y, carambai That's just sad.

It seems the chief had gone to the bank to cash in his penny jar. ...48, 49, 50. What the-- ? Ooh! Good work, Chief. just doing my job. Yes, it seems the chief pulled a Homer Simpson of his own.

Oh, no. There's that angry mob again. Hey, look who's here, everybody. Oh, hi! Oh, my, they've forgiven us. It's a miracle!

But every cave had a national anthem. I'll never forget my cave's national anthem. What was that national anthem? Let 'em all go to hell except Cave 76

Mrs. Krabappel and Principal Skinner were in the closet making babies. And I saw one of the babies. And the baby looked at me. The baby looked at you? Sarah, get me Superintendent Chalmers.

Are you okay? Some second-degree burns. But some first-class burgers. I want you to get rid of these springs. But you haven't seen the baby of tomorrow.

And the very same goes for Ezekiel, which brings us back to our starting point, "the Nine Tenets of Constancy." Damn it!

Why, Homer, your surgical incision is completely healed. I owe it all to my rewarding work with children. And not picking at it.

Milking rats! Rats? I'm outraged. You promised me dog or higher.

It's as easy as crushing an ant. You know the...

We'll be back with a real-life Itchy and Scratchy--

Take that, you lousy dimension! Huh? Huh? Oh, there's so much I don't know about astrophysics. I wish I read that book by that wheelchair guy.

If you can think of a better way to get ice, I'd like to hear it.

Or the Christ Punchers? The Christ-- I-- I don't think you understand my objection. I'm the president, and the decision is mine. We're Hell's Satans. Besides, I already made our club jackets. Whoa! "Machine wash warm." "Tumble dry." Ooh, la, la.

There have been so many classic Simpson moments. I remember that time I tried to jump over Springfield Gorge. I'm gonna make it! No, Dad. Everyone's sick of that memory.

Why, you-- Master Burns! I mean, carry on. Me leg's gone gimpy! Who'll provide for me little ones?

Pick me. Pick me, pick me. I pick Ken Griffey jr. Aw, geez. Okay, I'll take Millhouse. Mr. Boggs, will you be on my team? You got yourself a player. Damn! All right, I'll take Louis. I'll take jose Canseco. D'oh!

Ooh, that tears it! Boys, put on your goody two-shoes. We're moving back to Springfield!

Stupid bug! You go squish now! But that was just one little insignificant mosquito.

For the last time, Bush, apologize for spanking my boy! Never. You make him apologize for destroying my memoirs. You didn't tell me you destroyed his memoirs. Never!

Huh. Sounded like some sort of party going on in the background. Are there any parties today, Skinner? Nah, it's not really a party town.

Uh, North Kilt Town. No fooling? I'm from North Kilttown. Do you know Angus McCloud? Wait a minute. There's no Angus McCloud in North Kilttown! Why, you're not from Scotland at all!

And let me say, "May the force be with you." - Do you even know who I am? - I think I do. Weren't you one of the Little Rascals?

Oh, my goodness! Wait a minute. Bart's teacher is named Krabappel? I've been calling her Crandall. Why didn't someone tell me? Oh, I've been making an idiot out of myself!

But you got us and, baby, we got you Babe We got you, babe You know, Maggie hasn't been a Simpson as long as us. I think she's beginning to forget Mom and Dad. Remember how Mom used to microwave our underwear on cold days?

Please be a dog. Oh, no! Ned Flanders! He's dead! He's definitely dead!

Pack of Lady Laramie 100s, please. We both know it could've easily been me-- very easily. Laramie Hi-Tars, hard pack, and I don't have all day. All right. Here you go. Smoke them in good health. Will you be needing any lottery tickets ? No. All right. Five.

What? It's not "Magaggie's" birthday?

You quitter! Quitter boy! Quitter boy! I'm sorry. Now restaurant fail, children go to state college. Serious students powerless against drunken "jockocracy." Baseball hats everywhere! Hey, man, this job is too dangerous. Menu boy no be coward like shrimp.

Go! Go! I'm trying! Stop yelling at me!

Come on, Waylon. - Make love to me the way you used to. - No. It's that horrible Mr. Burns, isn't it? You leave Mr. Burns out of this! Smithers!

"Name one of your child's friends." Martin. Martin! I'll curse that name till the day I die!

Ten-to-one shot. Money in the bank. Uh-uh. Ah, come on, Dad. This can be the miracle that saves the Simpsons' Christmas. If TV has taught me anything, it's that miracles always happen to poor kids at Christmas. It happened to Tiny Tim, it happened to Charlie Brown, it happened to the Smurfs, and it's gonna happen to us.

What? Already? Yes. Is it my imagination, or is TV getting worse? Ah, it's about the same. Uh-oh! Look out, Smithers! I love this show.

Moe, Moe... Moe.... Moe, Moe... Hey, Homer. Hey, Homer. Hey, Homer. Hey, Homer. Hey, Homer. Hey, Homer. Hey, Homer. Hey, Homer. Hey, Homer. Aaaaahh! Hey, Homer. Hey, Homer. Hiya, Homer!

- Why are you taping Flanders, Dad? - You'll see. Do you even have a job anymore? I think it's pretty obvious that I don't! Okay, I finished the gardening sequence. Okay, from here we star wipe to a glamour shot of Flanders paying his bills. Then we star wipe to Flanders brushing his--

I don't know who that is.

I dance, I dance, I dance Around the Mexican hat I dance, I dance, I dance

That's it! Back to Winnipeg!

Yeah. I might've seen her. It's hard to tell from this old picture, you know? Well, according to our computer-aging program, she should look about... 25 years older. Yeah, I seen her. Uh, that is to say, I saw her.

I gotta call the plant and warn 'em. The fingers you have used to dial are too fat. To obtain a special dialing wand, please mash the keypad with your palm now. I'm gonna have to shut it down myself!

Let's walk and talk. I have some wonderful stories about other famous people that include me in some way. - Uh, can't. I gotta go distract bulls at a rodeo. - Hey, me too! We can go together. Uh... no, I'm going a different way than you, Dick. Your churlish attitude reminds me of a time I was having dinner with Groucho-- Look, you're gonna be having dinner with Groucho tonight if you don't beat it!

And I'd like to dedicate this next song to my wife Patti. I was born in the wagon of a traveling show Mama used to dance for the money they'd throw Papa would do whatever he could Oh, oh ! And two of these things.

Say your prayers, Simpson. Because the schools can't force you like they should. Maude, these new finger razors make hedge trimming as much fun as sitting through church.

and it hasn't-- it's that girls should stick to girls' sports, such as hot oil wrestling, foxy boxing, and such and such.

Go with it! Here you go, Todd. The city edition. Bart, I don't know if this should be an extra. Is your source on this reliable? Oh, I hate this place!

- As in, "This game is stup-id." - Hey, shut up, boy. Yeah, Bart. You're supposed to be developing verbal abilities... for your big aptitude test tomorrow. We could look this "id" thing up in the dictionary. - We got one ? - I think it's under the short leg of the couch.

Ice cream! Ice cream! Workers, please. There'll be time for the frozen-pudding wagon later. You still owe me 10 more Iroquois twists. Ten, ha-ya-yah. Uh! And nine, ha-ya-yah. Uh!

Mom, Dad, we saw something in the attic! You went into the attic? I'm very disappointed and terrified. Oh, my God, Marge. It's escaped!

Why me, Lord? Where have I gone wrong? I've always been nice to people. I don't drink or dance or swear. I've even kept kosher just to be on the safe side. I've done everything the Bible says! Even the stuff that contradicts the other stuff! What more could I do? I feel like I'm coming apart here.

where it can't see that he's an idiot? Look here. Accidents have doubled every year since he became safety inspector. And meltdowns have tripled. Has he been fired? No. Has he been disciplined? No, no. Aw, everybody makes mistakes. That's why they put erasers on pencils. Yeah, Homer's okay. Give him a break. No! Homer is not okay--

I thought we fired that guard. Oh, yeah. Right. I got fired by the Who. Whatever you say, pal. Wacko. Wow. The Who!

If word gets out about this, Cwazy Clown Airlines will be a laughingstock. In exchange for your silence, I'm prepared to offer your family free tickets to anywhere in the United States, excluding Alaska and Hawaii-- the freak states. Whoo-hoo!

All right, I'm in charge here. Oh, run along, Quimby. I think they're dedicating a phone booth somewhere. Watch it, you talking tub of donut batter. Hey, I got pictures of you, Quimby. You don't scare me. That could be anyone's ass. Now beat it! I'm calling the shots. I think that sash is cutting off the air to your brain.

Tonight, we'll visit Springfield's answer to the Benedictine monks-- The Rappin' Rabbis. Don't eat pork not even with a fork Can't touch this! Marge, are we jewish? No, Homer. Whoo-hoo! Mmm! But, first, we all stink. We all-- Hey!

Uh, well, uh-- I'll field this one. Let me ask you a question. Why would a man whose shirt says "genius at work"... spend all of his time watching a children's cartoon show? I withdraw my question. Uh, excuse me, Mr. Simpson.

Oh, baby, baby Oops--

Troy, uh, I'm sorry I ruined our evening. I have to go now. Oh, my God! Oh, God! I'm such a fool.

It's "chowdah." Say it right! "Shah-der." Come back here! I'm not through demeaning you!

This job sure is easy. Now to press this button.

What? Saul Bellow? The Nobel prize-winning Jewish novelist? He wants to have lunch with me? It's a date. Izzy's deli, 1:00. I'll be there.

Son, it's not only a great play, but also became a great movie-- called Ghostbusters.

Hey, what's this lump? (BELL TOLLING)

I object. Judge, sidebar?

"Fox Broadcasting,

I'll just drive up on the curb. Blughh. Almost got it. Drop the food, Chief! Dang fools. Drive-through's not for a-Parkin'.

Dad, hide your shame! Hey, Homie! I can see your doodle. Shut up, Flanders.

We take 18 ounces of sizzling ground beef and soak it in rich creamery butter. Then we top it off with bacon, ham, and a fried egg. We call it the Good Morning Burger.

No, I do not have a receipt. I won it as a door prize at the Star Trek convention, although I find their choice of prize highly illogical, as the average Trekker has no use for a medium-sized belt. Whoa, whoa. A fat, sarcastic Star Trek fan. You must be a devil with the ladies. Hey, I-- That-- Oh.

No, I got it. Oh! Would you like to be in the audience for my infomercial? Help me! My daughter's not talented.

Get away from my store, you young hoodlums! And what if we don't, pops? He's got a broom! Let's get outta here! Forget the pennies! Go! Go!

Uh, Homer? Oh, right.

Bart, to avoid this test, you've had smallpox, the bends, and that unfortunate bout of rabies. Well, I'm not sure I'm over it. Shove it, witch. No more excuses! Tourette's syndrome.

On one of my frequent trips to the ground-- I noticed Malloy wore sneakers... for sneaking! My next clue came just yesterday at the museum. We felt slighted by your age bashing and started home.

Hey, Mom. How 'bout some grub ? Aaah !

You're causing...

Look! Hey, come on. Quit it. Coochy coochy coo! Stop. Please stop. Oh, you swing like a girl. Come on, now. Please have mercy. Got your nose. Not funny. How 'bout this little bee? No! Oh!

Homer mad! Aah! Aah!

ohh... ahh... Marge, it's times like this I'm glad I flunked out of that Mexican med school.

Please take these free tickets to my play. What? What play? We thespians believe it's bad luck to mention the name of this particular play out loud. You mean Macbeth? Quiet, you blundering fool! You'll curse us all!

Hey, Simpson. I'm feeling a mite peckish. Mind if I chew your ear?

Yes. I believe I'll start, as you've so often suggested, by eating your shorts. Whoa! Whoa!

Ow. How are they, Ralph? Good? They taste like burning. Okay. Food patrol blew it. Yeah? Well, your tree house looks kinda crummy too.

Happy days, people. Truly happy days.

Chief Wiggum, I can't wait to hear about all the exciting, sexy adventures... you're sure to have against this colorful backdrop. Well, golly, I'd love to chat, but my son's been kidnapped. You haven't seen him, have you? Caucasian male between the ages of six and 10, thinning hair. Over there. Look, Big Daddy, it's regular Daddy.

Okay. I will go. Hey, wait a minute.

The ice-cream man. You gotta let me in your car and drive me-- Take anything you want, man! Take it all! Push out the jive. Bring in the love.

Oh, well, of course everything looks bad if you remember it. Now, where are my chili boots? Ah! Okay. We'll go to the Chili Cook-Off. But I want you to promise me you won't have any beer. Okay. Quit naggin' me. I won't have any beer.

You maniacs! You blew it up! Damn you! Damn you all to hell!

Why would anybody wanna touch a girl's butt? That's where cooties come from.

Yes, I'd like to send this letter to the Prussian consulate in Siam by aeromail. Am I too late for the 4:30 autogiro? Um, better look in the manual. Ignorance.

Listen, Homer, I dont know who your killer is...

The British-made Harrier jump jet!

Oh, no! We're all doomed! I'm a complete fraud! Huh? Sorry? I didn't catch any of that. And now I gotta go.

Do not be alarmed. Continue swimming naked. Aw, come on. Continue. Come on. Aww. All right, Lou. Open fire.

Homie, please, don't go. Hey, this old girl's as sure-footed as a mountain goat.

Give me that! Stop him! Barney, no! Give me that bottle! No! No! No! Hey! Uh-oh. Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!

i am so great i am so great everybody loves me I am so great Hello? Honey? Honey, honey, honey? Everybody loves-- Could you please be quiet? Quiet, biet, diet ziet, fiet Bart, get out!

Now, what I am about to show you next may shock and educate you. Hold on to your values as we step through the looking glass... into a hippie pot party. While johnny Welfare plays acid rock on a stolen guitar, his old lady has a better idea.

"It's not the Dallas Cowboys, but it's a start. Drop me a line if you're on the East Coast. Hank Scorpio." Aw, the Denver Broncos!

Tell me where you're from. Georgia. Texas. Uh... Brooklyn. Russia. New Hampshire. Homer! Okay, we'll start off with the baggy-- Uh, wha--

Fourscore and seven years ago, we took the finest hops and barley... to brew a refreshing, full-bodied lager.

(LISA PLAYING SAXOPHONE)

Hell. Bart ! That's what we learned about. I sure as hell can't tell you about hell unless I say "hell," can I ? The lad has a point. Hell, yes ! Bart ! Hell, hell, hell, hell hell, hell, hell, hell Hell, hell, hell, hell Bart, you're no longer in Sunday school. Don't swear !

Was Paramount chomping at the bit to make it? You better believe they weren't. But once that tearjerker hit john Q. Popcorn, it was boffo boo-hoo box office all the way. And the critics loved it too. I remember Vincent Canby said-- I'm gonna kill you, Homer. You are so dead. Now Chinatown was a classic.

What's this ? 150 ? Ohh ! Huh ? Aah ! Oh !

Yo, empty the register, dude. Okay, okay, you are the boss. Silent alarm activated! Oh, that's it!

The capital of North Dakota is named after what German ruler ? Hitler ! Hitler, North Dakota ? Bismarck. Bismarck ! Hitler ? I'm still beating you, boy.

A storm is coming! I feel it in my bone! Mesdames et messieurs, it appears the Cloud Goddess is ripe with rain babies. We must run for our trucks!

For fun? Well, I didn't hear anybody laughing! Did you? Except at that guy who made sound effects. Honk, honk! Where was I? Oh, yeah. Stay out of my booze!

- Ever seen a guy say good-bye to a shoe? - Yes, once.

I-- What's going on? Could it be? in a bizarre twist, a horse is abusing a jockey. Might this be the start of a terrifying planet of the horses? In this announcer's opinion, almost certainly yes. And away I go.

Wow. Did you see that thing, Marge? So powerful. So commanding. So forceful and raw. It didn't ask. It just took. Canyonero Hyah!

The Deer Hunter? Uh, huh-- That reminds me. Didi mah! Didi mah! I'm sorry, guys. We're shuttin' down for a while. Sorry.

Every day there's more skin on my pillow. Yeah, it's nice to have someone with brains in this nuclear plant. Homer's the guy who rigged up my pants with this special codpiece. Comfy, isn't it? Oh, yeah. It provides the freedom and protection I so sorely need. Yeah!

Shave up not down, you idiot. Ooh, sounds delish. Let me just toss some jeans on and--

And of course, the thing I'm gonna miss most... is those special, special Mt. Splashmore water slides, God bless 'em. So much fun, so many memories. Excuse me a minute. It has been a great week, hasn't it, Lis ? I hope all you kids come out this weekend and really pack this place, just to show 'em how grateful I am.

Bart no like. Bad medicine.

Seymour, it's 7:30. Where were you? A bar, Mom. I don't know what that is, but on Fridays, you come straight home after school! Tonight is silhouette night. Sit there. I really just came home to change into a turtleneck. Seymour, sit!

Good evening. Sorry, I had a really big dinner. Whoo! Dinner! But I'm sure one more french fry wouldn't hurt. Oh, we missed the gut buster!

Mrs. Krabappel and Principal Skinner were in the closet making babies. And I saw one of the babies. And the baby looked at me. The baby looked at you? Sarah, get me Superintendent Chalmers. Thank you, Sarah.

You can't take it back. You had your name engraved on it ! So you'd know it was from me ! Homer, I'm keeping the ball... for myself ! What ? But you don't know how to bowl. Oops. I'm keeping it, and I'm going to use it. Thank you for the present, Homer. Well... you're... welcome.

Ew. This place has got old man stink.

What, this jug? Hee-hee! Whee! Whoa-ho-ho! Lisa, never, ever stop in the middle of a hoedown. Oh, honey, I didn't realize how much that horn meant to you.

Why must life be so hard? Why must I fail in every attempt at masonry? How's your father's project coming along? I think he's almost done. Yeah, he's done.

What the hell is that?

(BEEPING ERRATICALLY) (SCREAMS)

Will you welcome Garfunkel, Messina, Oates, and Lisa... singing their number two hit, "Born to Runner-up." Why would they come to our concert just to boo us?

and there's a world of rusty nails out there. Sure, I'll take you, wait with you, worry about you, then you'll ride home with someone who has a faster car. This is how you get your kicks, isn't it, Lisa? D'oh!

Carry the two--

Well, so did you. You got an ex-Green Beret mad. Copyright expired.

You can do it, old boy. Yes, I can! Yes, yes. That's the spirit.

...Moe. All systems returning to normal. Danger in 7-G neutralized. Have a nice day. Whew.

Uh, sorry, fellas, but these tickets are counterfeit. What? Counterfeit? Yeah, see, the hologram's missing, and there's no such team as the Spungos, and finally, these seem to be printed on some sort of cracker. Stop eating our tickets!

Why, you worthless hunk of junk!

So you want a realistic, down-to-earth show... that's completely off-the-wall and swarming with magic robots? That's right. Yeah, good. And also you should win things by watching. Huh. You kids don't know what you want.

People, your taxes are high because of illegal immigrants. That's right. Illegal immigrants. We need to get rid of them! "Immigants." I knew it was them! Even when it was the bears, I knew it was them.

Fox had an endless supply of clever slogans, man.

(DOGS BARKING) Hey, guard! Help! Help! (MUMBLING) Guess where the next one's going. Up my butt?

Now, let us thank the Lord... for this magnificent Crystal Cathedral... which allows us to look out... upon his wondrous creation. Now quickly! Gaze down at God's fabulous parquet floor.

So long, su-- Aah!

Mr. Simpson, this government computer can process over nine tax returns per day. Did you really think you could fool it? No, sir. I'm really sorry, sir. An older boy told me to do it. You're looking at five years, minimum. No, sir. Please, I can't go to prison. They pee in a cup and throw it on you! I saw it in a movie.

Wait a minute. There's something bothering me about this place. I know! This lesbian bar doesn't have a fire exit!

Thanks, Stampy. Ow!

"Bear Patrol Tax $5.00." What? This is an outrage! It's the biggest tax increase in history! Actually, Dad, it's the smallest tax increase in history. Let the bears pay the bear tax. I pay the Homer tax. That's the homeowner tax. Well, anyway, I'm still outraged.

You got it, buddy. Oh. Isn't there any way out of here?

Let's all go out for some frosty chocolate milk shakes.

No, no. Dont try to stop me.

I'd like to give you a logging permit, I would, but, uh, this isn't like burying toxic waste. People are gonna notice those trees are gone. Eh, Congressman, this is where it gets awkward. I-- I never quite know how to put this. I just want to-- Offer me a bribe?

Whoo-hoo! Okay. Now all we have to do is install your satellite dish. Can you be home from 8:00 am. Monday morning through June? No problem.

Oh! Hey! They can't take our house! My potbellied pig is in there! Ah, Mr. Porky! No!

I just saved my baseball bit. "Who-say-in's on first, Iya-toll-ya's on second and--" Aah! Stupid clown! When I came to, she was gone, and the war had been over for eight months.

Well, these bills will have to be paid out of your allowance. You'll have to raise my allowance to about $1,000 a week. Then that's what I'll do, smart guy.

On my vacation away from workie Hubba-hubba.

Where everybody wins! Actual odds of winning: one in 380 million.

It was her, all right! Take the one who wronged you.

There's very little meat in these gym mats.

And now it's time for me to go to hell. Ow! Ooh! Ooh! Ah! Oy! Oy! Ooh! Ow!

It takes two to lie-- one to lie and one to listen. What does that mean?

It's gone! Oh, no! This can't be happening!

He never-- That's a woman? Dear Lord! Well, I guess... most of what I said can be salvaged. Take a seat, bozo. And that eulogy better not show up on the bill. I'll keep this short.

Team Discovery Channel!

I'm asking you nicely to open the doors! Take it easy, Marge. How about if we dope you up real good? Let me off! Let me off! Let me off! Let me off! Let me off! Let me off! Let me off! Let me off! Let me off! Let me off!

(HONKING) Ah. Summer in Tuscany.

and two orders of bite-sized breakfast pancakes, with extra dipping sauce.

What'll I do? Frankly, my dear-- I love you. Let's remarry. Ahh. That's sweet. What a lovely ending. They cut out the best word.

Well, did you call one of your friends? Friends? Huh! These are my only friends-- grown-up nerds like Gore Vidal. And even he's kissed more boys than I ever will. Girls, Lisa. Boys kiss girls.

Now he faces his toughest audience-- three Siberian tigers. Simba, on the ball. Aaah!

A convict painted that? Yeah. Well, I studied art, and this guy's got a real gift. You kiddin'? Look. He painted a unicorn in outer space. I'm asking you. What's it breathing? Air. Ain't no air in space. There's an air and space museum.

No. No, he can't be! I know. Maybe he's just acting stupid to infiltrate a gang of international idiots. Yeah, th-that's gotta be it. You destroyed that drug shipment? Yes, indeedy! That was my insulin! Uh-oh, SpaghettiOs!

Brothers and sisters, we have performed the Lord's work... and sent a good woman into his waiting-- Okay, now, let's not jump to conclusions, everyone. Well, I'll be a son of a witch.

This has been a Gracie Films presentation. Shh.

Now there's nothing to stop me from getting my vengeance. You sure you don't want a nice piece of fish or to finger the drapes a little? This ends here. Remember me as a peacemaker. And now to celebrate life.

Well, Bart, what do you think of little Lisa? I hate you.

Have fun at school, kids. Later, Homer. Mister Simpson, this zone is for school buses only. Rock n’ roll! Whoo-hoo! - m f Rock] - J Mama says yes, Papa says no J

Aw, man! If this one's not the right house, I quit. It's okay, Officer. False alarm. Hey-- Hey, who's that? Well, I like you too. Well, looks like somebody's made a new best friend.

It's probably my imagination, but something about them didn't seem quite right. Really? Excuse me for just a moment. People, that was all wrong! Homer Simpson doesn't say "B'oh." He says--

Don Homer, I have baked a special donut just for you. Mmm. Grazie.

Yea! Whoo-hoo-- Ow! All right, Simpson. You get your soul back. But let that ill-gotten doughnut be forever on your head.

First, I'll just reach in and pull my legs out. Now I'll pull my arms out with my face. Mm. - Dad! - Homie! Stampy, quick! Pull him out! Thanks, Stampy.

Who dares challenge the Black Knight?

I do not miss Bart at all. I am glad he's gone. As am I. B'oh! It's probably my imagination, but something about them didn't seem quite right. Really? Excuse me for just a moment.

(BLOWING WHISTLE)

No, that's too big.

I bet you don't know this one. How'd you like a Hertz donut? Hurts, don't it? Right. Do you know what a wet willie is? - Is it this? - Hey, baby!

Fairly warned be thee, says I. Huh? Hey! Hey! Hey! But the sign said, "All you can eat."

So, you like doughnuts, eh? - Uh-huh. - Well, have all the doughnuts in the world!

Okay, okay. It's your sugar, Bart.

Who holds back the electric car Who makes Steve Guttenberg a star We do, we do Who robs cave fish of their sight

I'll do it. I'll rob the Kwik-E-Mart. All right, put your-- D'oh! Oh, well, I'll rob it next time.

Buy my cereal. I didn't do it ! Oh, I wish I could believe you.

With this hook and this hunk of chocolate, I'll land your boy and I'll clean him for free.

Can you imagine a world without lawyers? And so, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I rest my case.

Smithers! This reminds me of that fat man I used to ride to work. Look at this, Marge. $58 and all of it profit! I'm the smartest businessman in the world. Stampy's food bill today was $300. Marge, please, don't humiliate me in front of the money.

Mr. Burns, I'm afraid you are the sickest man in the United States. You have everything. You mean, I have pneumonia? Yes. juvenile diabetes? Yes. - Hysterical pregnancy? - Uh, a little bit, yes. You also have several diseases that have just been discovered-- in you. I see. You're sure you just haven't made thousands of mistakes? Uh, no. No, I'm afraid not.

Oh, it shows. I was gonna say something, but I thought it might sound, you know, weird. Oh, not at all. I like when people say nice things about my body. And it's important to feel good about yourself. Okay, spread your toes. Oh! You know how much glass is in here?

Oh, thank goodness! Where were you? Guess how many boobs I saw today, Marge? Fifteen! Ohh!

They never come around anymore now that they got their mistresses. Might as well close the dump. I am gonna drink you under the table. No. I am going to drink you under the--

Honorary Grand Marshal Richard Nixon...

We'll have the trial tomorrow at the stroke of midnight. Till then, you're going to spend the day in hell!

Oh, dear me. One day as a straight-haired brunette. I feel so bad for you. Stupid girl!

But I'm a hero! And we salute you for it. Now, don't come back. I'm sorry, Seymour. It's nice you're alive, but you're just not what I'm looking for in a son. I'm glad you understand.

If you're so sure about that, why don't you sell your soul to me? How much you got? - Five bucks. - Deal. There you go. One soul. Pleasure doing business with you. Anytime, chum...

Marge, tell Bart I just want to drink a nice glass of syrup like I do every morning. Tell him yourself. You're ignoring Lisa, not Bart. Bart, thank your mother for pointing that out. Homer, you're not not talking to me. And, secondly, I heard what you said. Lisa, tell your mother to get off my case. Uh, Dad, Lisa's the one you're not talking to.

Sounds like a wager to me. I'll take a piece of that. I will now transport Sir Isaac Newton into the modern day. Warning! Power failure! Oh! Oh! Sweet glayvin! Oh, good God! Hey, wait, wait, wait! Ow! Oh! Oh! Sir Isaac's legs are hurting!

But this was going to be the studio's prestige picture, like Howard's End or Sophie's Choice. Ew! Those movies sucked. I only saw them to get Marge into the sack. P.S. Mission accomplished. But we've already bought five Golden Globe awards. I don't make movies to win awards.

Stephen Hawking! Hi, I'm Ron Howard. Billy Baldwin! I'm Alec Baldwin. Wait a minute. Xena can't fly. - I told you. I'm not Xena. I'm Lucy Lawless. - Oh. Wow, Joe Namath! That's right. My car broke down in front of your house.

¡Ay, un gato malodoro! This is a thousand monkeys working at a thousand typewriters. Soon, they'll have written the greatest novel known to man. Let's see.

These boys sound very nice, but they're clearly nerds.

This is Detective Don Brodka from Try-N-Save security. That's right, Don Brodka. Your son, Bart, has been caught shoplifting. Uh-huh. Yeah, it's a shame, I know, but, well, try and have a merry Christmas.

And now a message from the Church of Latter-day Saints. Dad, are you listening to me? Shh! Lisa! The dog is barking.

Oh! Marge? Lisa? Flanders?

Doody. Booger. Man, that is killer material. Skinner is A nut he has A rubber butt Young man, I can assure you... my posterior is nothing more than flesh, bone and that metal plate I got in 'Nam.

Aah..! Oh, fudge... That's broken. Fiddle-dee-dee. That will require a tetanus shot. I'm not going to swear but I am going to kick this doghouse down!

I'm still a little itchy from that fiberglass hay. Is there anything you need? Well, you could make my evening complete. What's wrong? My whole romantic life is flashing before my eyes.

D'oh. Oh! My brain!

The Catholic Church-- we've made a few changes.

My geode must be acknowledged.

(ITCHY & SCRATCHY THEME PLAYING) Moe and Marge are having an emotional affair. Although there's no physical intimacy, there's a deep spiritual connection that threatens to destroy your marriage. What do I do? Engage her feelings, become a friend. Get her a LIFE Magazine from the week she was born. I'll always treasure mine.

I could sit in the aisle. I'm afraid that would violate the fire code. Hey, fatty! I got a movie for ya. A Fridge Too Far. Shame on all of you. Give me my dignity. I just came here to see Honk if You're Horny! in peace. Sir, if you just quiet down,

Simpson. Hot diggity! I don't care if it's bad news. Oh, Grampa, you're not busy, are you? Well, you're really asking two questions there. The first one takes me back to 1934.

It seems the chief had gone to the bank to cash in his penny jar. ...48, 49, 50. What the-- ? Ooh! Good work, Chief. just doing my job. Yes, it seems the chief pulled a Homer Simpson of his own.

Right after Pat Sajak.

D'oh! Must... suppress... rage. Huh?

Look, John, you seem like a perfectly nice guy and all. just stay the hell away from my family!

Floor baby! Floor baby! You're making fun of him for something you made him do! Yeah? Well, you're gay. People who accuse others of being gay are often covering up their own latent homosexuality. Um, uh... (GRUNTS) Bullies rule!

Fools! You poor, pathetic misguided creatures choking down Flaming Moes all the time wondering, "How does he do it?" Well, I'm going to tell you. Hee-hee-hee-hee-hee! The secret ingredient is... Homer, no! ...Cough syrup.

My mother's inside, Mrs. Simpson. Please go right on in. Oh, you speak so politely to adults. My upbringing was painfully strict, ma'am. That's sweet. And, finally, Moe's Tavern has contributed a coupon...

This party is over.

Well, is anything coming back to you? Oh. There have been so many classic Simpson moments. I remember that time I tried to jump over Springfield Gorge.

That didn't hurt very much because I know the ancient art of karate. Karate focuses the mind and gives one self-confidence. People from all walks of life: - doctors... Hi-yaah!! - homemakers... - Hu-yaah!! - landscape architects... - Huhh-yah!! - choreographers... - Haww.

Hey, Chief, can I hold my gun sideways? It looks so cool. Ah, sure.

(GULPING) OTTO: Whoa! I can't see! I'll have to steer by the reflection in my watch! (TIRES SCREECHING) Oh! Why don't I just pull over? MAN: Hey!

Now, Rainier, I really dont think it's right... to sell these Playdude centerfolds. Zip it, Holy Joe. Are you taking us to another mansion? Uh, yeah. Uh, Miss September... - I think you’re gonna have to get in the trunk. - Oh.

- Another place mat, sir? - Please. While we're waiting for our pie, let's take a minute to remember Great-Aunt Gladys.

No, Mother. It's just the northern lights. Well, Seymour, you are an odd fellow, but I must say you steam a good ham. Help! Help!

Father, give me legs. Father!

Life... flashing...

Be careful! There's hydroelectricity in there!

You want the truth? You want the truth? You can't handle the truth! 'Cause when you reach over and put your hand into a pile of goo... that was your best friend's face, you'll know what to do! Forget it, Marge. It's Chinatown!

I don't think they're coming back. That does it, that does it. I'm looking at his cards. Oh, crap. I fold.

Later, chickie-pie.

Burns was rushed to a nearby hospital, where he was pronounced dead. He was then transferred to a better hospital, where doctors upgraded his condition to alive. Now let's talk to Police Chief Wiggum.

(GASPS) There's your Mutton Chop Murderer! Stop, fiend! (PANTING) (GRUNTING) Don't be rude! Hey, hey! Read the sign.

I'd better spray it. Oh, thanks, nice lady. My voice is crazy with this spraying already. Oy, I feel so much better, Mr. Medical Science-type Person. If they hire a woman, we won't be able to spit on the floor.

Oh, if you like that, you should try Mary Magdalene's Chocolate Orgasm.

Oh, yeah. That's a fine-looking-- D'oh! Okay, no big deal. Stupid Lisa! Gotta build fast. Cement drying! All right, let's see. Ohh. English side ruined! Must use French instructions!

I'm afraid Robert Goulet hasn't arrived yet, sir. Hmm. Very well. Begin the thawing of jim Nabors. Are you sure this is the casino? I think I should call my manager. Your manager says for you to shut up! Vera said that? Huh.

Hey, Maggie, how ya doin' back there? Oh, so helpless.

Man, I thought you were cool. Aha ! Wow ! Look at these bowling balls, Maggie. Can you think of a better way for Daddy to spend his hard-won 50 bucks ?

I'm sorry about all this. But you gotta admit, we did have some fun. Yeah. Everything before the high-speed chase was just lovely. Hey. You're a good friend, Marge. Mmm.

Son, we are about to break the surly bonds of gravity... and punch the face of God! Five, four, three, two, one, countdown!

Call me Daddy. Homer. Daddy. Homer. Daddy. Da-- Da-- Da-- - Yes? - Domer. Why, you little--

So, how about that hospital food, huh?

When I can't stop fiddlin' I just takes me Ritalin I'm poppin' and sailin', man

Well, I'll be a son of a witch.

How ya doin', fellas? With all due respect, Mr. Taylor, this isn't the best time for your unique brand of bittersweet folk rock. We have a potentially critical situation here. I'm sure you'll understand. Listen, Aldrin. I'm not as laid-back as people think. Now here's the deal. I'm gonna play, and you're gonna float there and like it.

Ah, for the days when aviation was a gentleman's pursuit. Back before every joe Sweat Sock could wedge himself behind a lunch tray... and jet off to Raleigh-Durham. Are you getting lots of bugs in your mouth too? Yes.

Ach! Don't call it that! Outsiders have kidnapped some of our property. We must respond with our deadliest weapon. The lawyers. Go! Go! Go! Attention, all citizens.

and the Blunchblack of Blotre Blame. Whoo! Funky. But first, this word.

See you in hell, candy boys!

Yer getta ferda redda oura.

Well, at McDonald's you can buy a Krusty Burger with cheese. But they don't call it a Krusty Burger with cheese. Get out. Well, what do they call it? A Quarter Pounder with cheese. Quarter Pounder with cheese? Well, I can picture the cheese, but, uh-- Do they have Krusty partially gelatinated nondairy gum-based beverages? Mm-hmm. They call 'em shakes.

"Mr. Simpson--" Blah-blah. "Misrepresentation over telephone--" Yada-yada. Sincerely, some Australian jerk.

Agh! Him again!

Don't hurt us ! Oh, we surrender. W-W-We were only followin' orders !

Dad, I think you're wrong about that robot trying to be your friend. Lisa, don't... contradict... your... elders. My hair. You chopped off my hair!

Hey ! Wha-- Come on, you stupid tube ! Hmm. Looks like there's a jam in Delta sector. It's too big to be human. Send down a few kids. That should dislodge it. Roger.

Baby. Baby. Pirate? No, no, wait a minute! - Pirates are wild! - We are pregnant! Oh. Oh, get lost!

Please don't tell anyone we're here. You've got to keep our secret, Homer. Homer, we're out of vodka. Tell the people, Homer. They have a right to know... about the celebrity summer house. Who the hell are you? What do you care? I'm telling you what you want to hear.

What kind of beer?

I can't take Mr. Burns to the "hopital"... 'cause I'm too dumb to read a map. Oh, why did my school have to close? Hmm. Hello. I'm Dr. Stupid. I'm going to take out your liver bones. Oops. You're dead. I never liked that Dr. Stupid.

'Tis the season, Marge! We only get 30 sweet, noggy days. Then the government takes it away again. I think I'm having chest pains. Bart, get your suit on. What for? We're getting our Christmas picture taken.

Do I smell cupcakes ? - Ooh ! Do I ever ! - Uh-uh, Homer.

God wants you to lead the French army to what? Victory. Victory? We're French! We don't even have a word for it.

"The 'all-ighty ollar'"? I get it.

So, what are you in for? I moved here from Canada, and they think I'm slow, eh? I fell off the jungle gym, and when I woke up I was in here. I start fires. Okay. Now, everyone take out your safety pencil and a circle of paper.

Popeye, papain. See? Same thing. Same-- Uh, forget it. How are you? I'm Hank Scorpio. Wow, my boss. Don't call me that word. I don't like things that elevate me above the other people. I'm just like you. Sure, I come later in the day, I get paid a lot more and I take longer vacations, but I don't like the word "boss." Look at my feet. Okay. You like those moccasins?

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