comb.io - Clips

One show only. Tickets will go fast, very fast. So your parents should be getting in line. If you don't come, Roofi will be sad. And the helpful bear, she will die! (COUGHING) Tickets, tickets buy them now

Hey. Nothing can make me mad out here. Paperboy! Ohh! Milkman!

Hey, I wasn't a weirdo. I was in the audio-visual club. Really? Me too. But I got kicked out 'cause of my views on Vietnam. Also, I was stealing projectors. Anyway, get ready, beer belly. We're gonna show Springfield what we're made of! All right, Homer!

That's great, Troy. Ooh! Looks like we're almost ready for the kickoff. Washington kicks. Oh, it's a bad kick, way too short. Buffalo starts in excellent position. Buffalo's going to win. Lisa hates me. What did you bet? My daughter.

just make it happen. Oh. Oh, dear.

Now hold these dictionaries. Now think what it would be like if you had nails in your hands. Well, I guess they'd help me hold the dictionaries up. Wrong answer! (GRUNTS) (SCREAMS) Stupid Catholic school. Suffering from my hip attitude. I'm the real Jesus here.

What did you say, Moe? Nothing. I thought I told you to stay away from my sister! But your queen won't cut you slack Oh, here's 50 bucks. Take her to the Copa.

Oh. "They made us." That's loser talk. You gotta start acting more like me and my team, the future league champions of the world.

Ja, das ist gut.

Who am I kidding ? I really am a failure. Now I know how George Washington felt...

But in 1990, he framed Krusty for armed robbery, and Bart got him put in jail. - Uh-huh. - When he got out, he married Aunt Selma... and tried to murder her. Oh, Side show Bob!

I need a castle where I can be king! Well, I hope you enjoy it, Your Majesty, 'cause I'm not speaking to you. (GRUNTS) Damn it!

For crying out loud, Eddie. You scared the hell out of me. Sorry, Chief.

Mmm! Who knew that Lay's made liquid potato chips? I can't suck just one. Another bag of chips, Mr. Talmadge? Please. Also, I think I'm getting a bedsore.

To my sister, jackie, I leave my pet iguana, jub jub. Why didn't she just leave me the bowel obstruction that killed her?

A principal's ransom in stolen goods! Well, sir, who's "ha-ha"-ing now, hmm? I don't know, but he's got lethal tuna breath. Ooh! Who does Nelson think he's impressing anyway, acting so cool all the time? Not me!

And scraTchy show

And he taught me how to play the shehnai. That's even worse than the album Grampa released. And he taught me how to do this. I got out of school, 'cause I told 'em I was mangled in a car wreck.

Please accept this Operation Dumbo Drop souvenir jacket.

Mom, I was elected to make this a better school. Well, couldn't you just hang some colorful crepe paper in the gym? They've taken away our crepe paper. Those Fudruckers! (SIRENS WAIL) Oh, no. They heard me. Remember, boys. These are little kids.

Well, Moe, would you like to stop where you are, or try for one million dollars? Well, gee, I really do love currency. But, um, I think I'm gonna play it safe and stick with what I got. You're the boss. Yes, I am.

Whoo-hoo! What do you do, follow my husband around? Lady, he's putting my kids through college.

My "H" has been stolen! Oh! That's how people knoW it's a Honda! What's the point of having a Honda if you can't show it off?

Promise you won't tell him. I promise. Whoops ! Forget what I just told you. What are you blubbering about ? This makes me feel special, Dad. Since I'm the one you kept, that must mean you really love me. Hmm. Interesting theory. I'm going to find my brother. I don't care what it takes.

And you need a helping hand and nothing oh, nothing is going right We're just about to get our first pictures from inside the spacecraft... with "averagenaut" Homer Simpson.

Homer, I've a proposition for ye, fair and true. Come on, Marge. Let the people see your pretty face. Come see "Bottomless Pete," nature's cruelest mistake.

I can't see! I'll have to steer by the reflection in my watch! (TIRES SCREECHING) Oh! Why don't I just pull over? MAN: Hey! Can't stop. Krusty collectible toy jammed under brake pedal! Hey-hey! Hey-hey! Hey-hey!

It's Oklahoma's fastest-growing software company. Um, cushions? Everybody likes to sit on cushions. Children are so fat today. Isn't there some way we can make money off that? There's a franchise fair this weekend. Why don't we buy a business? I never thought of that.

That's what I get for sitting up front, eh? Oh, I love these jesters. They're exactly what I need to forget about my first husband.

What is it about music that enchants us? The notes. Our next award is sponsored by Heinrich's Bratwurst. "Papa, can we have a Heinrich's Bratwurst?" For outstanding composer age 10 and under,

Hey, buddy. You better get that red dot checked out. My uncle died of crotch dot.

Please pull up to the service window, please. The wagon's too tall. Oh, I don't wanna have to get out. I'll just drive up on the curb. Blughh. Almost got it. Drop the food, Chief!

(PIERCING FLESH) Wait a minute. I've killed a baby. I'm a monster.

Who caN take thiS diaper i don't mind at all

Oh, lassie, dry your tears. Then show us your boobs.

I'm catching a pass from Dan Marino. This is the greatest moment of my-- Whoo-hoo! Homer Simpson with a pick! Hey, Bubba, Hacksaw, get that moron. Uh-oh. Lateral to Bart. D'oh! My spine.

But just to be sure. (CRACKLING) (YELLING)

My friends! Stop!

She's discovered something very important... about jebediah Springfield that you need to hear. People of Springfield, I, um-- I don't know quite how to say this-- Don't be shy, little girl. Think of jebediah, and the words will come.

But to save money on a new dish, we'll just call you Snowball II and pretend this whole thing never happened. That's really a cheat, isn't it? I guess you're right, Principal Tamzarian. I'll just be moving along, Lisa, Snowball II.

and swift hand. Oh, there's Mother now-- watching me. What's that, Mother? They have a right to be here. It's school business. I-- Mother, that sailor suit doesn't fit anymore! I think we should go. Uh-huh.

You'll never go broke appealing to the lowest common denominator. - You're gonna miss your brother's antics. - When ? When your life takes you places the rest of us have only heard about. Places where my intelligence will be an asset and not a liability ? Yes, there is such a place. Believe me, it's true.

Aah! Natural light! Get it off me! Get it off me! Oh, I'm sorry. I thought this was a family restaurant. Oh, it is. It is. Just, uh, pull them stools up to the pool table. Daddy, this place... smells like tinkle!

Hey, there, blimpie boy flying through the sky so fancy free Honey, what's wrong?

I agree. Hey, aren't you that Crazy Cat Lady? Yes, I am. But thanks to this psychoactive medication, I enjoy brief moments of lucidity.

Now don't feel bad, honey. Did you know back in grade school, I had a bully problem myself? Everybody was kung fu fighting

And whets that? I'm gonna die alone! Gotta pick a career. Gotta pick a career. I can find a good career at this museum... or at least see if they fixed that mislabeled raccoon I complained about. Hmm, maybe I could be an expert on dinosaurs. Dont do it, little girl.

(SIGHS IN EXASPERATION) Due to budget cuts, music class will now have a two-drink minimum. Cranapple juice only counts as one and... (GASPS) My slacks. They've descended.

You know, we've had a lot of fun tonight at the expense of the U.S. Navy. But they're out there every day protecting us from Godzilla. And don't forget pirates. And jellyfish. Those whack invertebrates will sting you, old school! So check out the navy for a two- or a four-year hitch. We signed J.C. up yesterday.

The Atlanta Falcons. Yeah, ever since I was a boy, I've always loved the Atlanta Falcons. Yeah, they're good, but I wouldn't count out the Denver Broncos. Yeah, I hear that President Clinton... is gonna be watching with his wife, Hillary.

Got any threes? Go fish. Oh! See, here's the problem, Ralph. You have several threes. Go fish! Why don't we watch cartoons? The justice League is moving into their new building today.

Buy him out, boys. Yeah.

We should be safe up here. I'm pretty sure fires can't climb trees. - Ow! - Dad! Hi, kids! Hang on. I'll throw you a ladder.

about what happened, and everyone here at Team Truckasaurus... would like you to enjoy this half-bottle of champagne for being such good sports. Mmm ! Well, thank you. Gee, everyone's so nice here at the Monster Truck Rally. Look, Homer, champagne ! Ahh !

That was very sweet of the Queen letting you go in exchange for taking Madonna back to America. MADONNA: (IN FAKE BRITISH ACCENT) I'm telling you, I'm English. English women don't pump gas naked. See you in Atlanta, bitch!

Look at him staring into me, filling my mind with paranoid thoughts. Mmm. Look at his eyes. He's trying to hypnotize me! But not in the good Las Vegas way.

Mine too! Just like back in that hayloft. You know, the fear of getting caught is kind of a turn-on. There's that dirty girl I married. Come on. I have a disgusting idea.

I'm telling you, I could nay have shot Burns. This is your last warning about that. It's impossible for me to fire a pistol. If you'll check my medical records, you'll see I have a crippling arthritis in me index fingers.

What you doin', Marge? Making out the jury list for the film festival. Mayor Quimby, Krusty, jay. Marge, do you respect my intelligence? - Yes. - Okay. Wait a minute. Why did it take you so long to say yes?

Welcome to the Springfield Shopper, established in 1883. The newspaper was founded by johnny Newspaperseed, a 14-year-old boy who roamed America founding newspapers. If he's so smart, how come he's dead?

There's your problem.

Hey, it worked! My searing leg pain is now a gentle numbness. Next! Yes, uh, my car seems to have broken down, and I was wondering if I could use your-- Oh! That's a pushing motion! Simpson, you're not a licensed chiropractor. And you're stealing patients from me and Dr. Steffi.

Point of order. If we want to learn anything, we must respect-- Point of "odor." Lisa stinks.

between these two flowers. Ow, ow, ow. Seymour, I was thinking of promoting you to assistant superintendent. But, instead, that plum goes to Holloway. No. But, sir, he's a drunk. And a pill-Popper. If I could just-- Silence!

Hey, baby, get comfortable. Relax. It's a little hot for that cheerleader outfit, don't you think?

You gotta lose yourself in the moment, man. Yeah. Like-- Yeah! Okay. Great. Okay. Let-Let's just try that again. Okay? Come on.

Hey! Face the facts. An overworked and underappreciated housewife has parked on the bridge, refusing to budge. This reporter will be lowered in the sky harness for an exclusive interview.

Thanks, guys. Will you sign Martin's cast? What cast? Ow! I won't be swimming this summer. Bart, this is just Dad. Uh, it's a composite character. Your dad, my dad, a little of Maggie's dad. No, it's just Dad. Maybe Angry Dad needs a sidekick, Know-It-All Sister!

but how do you feel about lying to him? Good. Oh, you guys are so cut. Dad, I got some bad news. Oh, your mother's not pregnant, is she? No. I got hit by a couple of cars. I won't be able to play today. Yes!

Oh, man. Two dollars ! Uh, I'll take these three. Hmm. Sure they are. They're for my daughter. Wise guy.

Homer, I prepared a special surprise just for you. It could only be one thing. Psst! The best meat's in the rump. Here you go. What the hell is this?

- Principal Skinner-- - Mm-hmm? You've been referred to as "the funny one." Is that reputation justified? Yes. Yes, it is.

Me? I'm Dolly Parton. I didn't ask for your life story. just give me the key. Young man, where I come from, the South, folks say "please." And besides, I gotta go sing a medley with Rob Lowe and Stump. Dolly, wait! Wally? You know Dolly Parton? Yeah. I book a lot of package tours to Dollywood and EuroDollywood.

A pup tent. Oh, boy! Now I can sleep out in the yard. Yeah! Every single night. I've discovered that the rejuvenating effect people feel is actually... a mild form of poisoning-- no doubt a result... of the unsanitary conditions in Grampa Simpson's bathtub.

It's the Simpsons, sir. Well, if it isn't the Simps. Uh, i-it's the Simpsons, sir. Huh ? Oh, uh, oh, yes.

I want to see how this turns out. The phone's not even plugged in.

Are you interested in anything? I don't know. - Could you touch your nose for me? Hmm. - Mm. Hmm.

This ain't personal. I just love to scrimshaw. (SCREAMS) Judgment Day is at hand.

Twenty-two immigrant laborers died during its construction." Plenty more where that came from.

Hello? Anybody home? Twelve glasses of water. That will wake me up nice and early. And I'll have a big head start on opening presents.

Right. And the award for Best Hard-core Thrash Metal goes to...

Hey, hey, hey, Osh Kosh B’Gosh! She dont want what you’re shovelin’! Mr. Moe, my son was only playing next to this girl who is not your daughter. Yeah, sure he was, Nahasapasa l’mraisinapervert. Back off, Moe! Maggie wants to be with mel Hey-

ANNOUNCER: And now, our opening act, in their first live show since Tinky Winky was acquitted of manslaughter. Not guilty! The Teletubbies! (CHEERING) Custard!

My body is a temple. Guards, remove this coked-out man-balloon from my sight! But he misread my pee! He misread my pee! (CRYING) (TREES CRACKING) We're not overfeeding her.

Forget it, Ed. Do you know what it costs to sign over a check this big? Why, the wealth transfer fee would run at least a hundred dollars a head. You're right. We better just take this check back for shredding. No, wait. We got a hundred bucks each. Hang on.

Hey, how you doing? I'm fighting a white rhino today at the Tropicana. Shows at 2:00, 4:00, 6:00, 8:00, 10:00, and midnight. Check it out. Come on. Hey, kids, I'm tying balloons on the boardwalk at 3:00, 5:00, 7:00, 9:00, and 11:00. Check it out. Come on, don't be ridiculous. (TIRES SCREECHING)

Well, that's all very convincing and... (THUDDING) (BLABBERS) He's right over there! Hey, come on! Can't anybody see him? (BLABBERING) You can only see from my point of view.

Oh, yeah. My old friends, right next to my heart. Hey, such a filthy habit. Who asked you? Father? Son. Papa! Herschel! Daddy! Boychick! Oh, Daddy!

Yes. And I'm gonna be in the show? Yes. Can Eddy and Lou have producer credits? Yep. Now what are your last names? Oh, we don't have 'em. We're like Cher. Oh, Homie. I'm so lucky to be married to such a selfless and loving man.

I promise I will. I always do when you make me promise I won't. Lisa and I have been gambling on pro football. Homer! You promised you wouldn't get mad. I promised I would! She's eight years old! Marge, she's got a gift.

I'm not saying that. I mean it. You got color in there. - You're not Roman, are you ? - No ! Look like a god, sort of. Why don't we step into the credit office, Zeus ? Hey, your dad's gonna just go in here, work it out and you'll, you'll drive home in this ! I'm not gonna quote you a price till I check your credit rating.

Your box made promises of a "vacational" nature, and I expect you to live up to them. We won't though. Sir, with all due respect, an old box of cookies is not a legal contract.

You wear 'em until you learn, Son.

Good night, Homie. Good night, honey.

Hey, everybody! Let's all turn our desks backwards before Mrs. Krabappel shows up. Yeah! That's a great idea! Huh? All right, backwards boy. Back your butt down to detention.

To enter, send me your parents' brains, or write "Parents' Brains" on a three-by-five card and send it to--

Yeah. And he collects toy robots. He is quite a charmer. Your father's certainly taken a shine to him. Oh! Homer, you are the living end. Oh! That john is the greatest guy in the world. We got to have him and his wife over for drinks sometime.

Way to go, Homer. Hey, thank you. You're too kind.

Cheat? Aw, geez. Man, those derringer bullets are weak. Powerful weak. Light out, and stay lit out!

Higher. Bye-bye, "fishies." Higher. Higher! I'm soaring-- Soaring majestically, like a candy wrapper caught in an updraft. Higher, Marge. Higher! It won't go any.

It's all my fault. No, it's not. Yes, it is. You tried to warn me about gambling my family's future on some pig in a poke. I didn't listen. Homer, you were a true friend. No, I was a swine. Listen, Flanders.

How many pieces do you wish? No! No! 30 seconds to core meltdown.

All right, come on. You're history.

Join the navy Join the navy Join the navy

We don't think you're slow, but on the other hand, it's not like you go to museums or read books or anything. You think I don't want to? It's those TV networks, Marge. They won't let me-- one quality show after another, each one fresher and more brilliant than the last.

Wow. Look at all this stuff. Oh, look, Jaclyn Smith has her own line of axe heads! Yeah, it's impressive. But I still haven't found the perfect gift for Marge, only imperfect stuff for me. Hey, look. It's "Hairy Ass" Tubman.

No, no! Not the new guy! (LAUGHING EVILLY) Now that your boyfriend's dead, I'm free to be selfish, drunk, emotionally distant, sexually ungenerous, pissy, and... D'oh!

Look at that island. Shaped like our number four. Makes you think.

Oh. Tonight's episode-- "Scuse Me While I Kill the Sky." Why are you driving a car? Yeah, in the '70s, westerns were out and detective shows were in.

Hey, Mrs. K.! Oh, Arthur!

What's wrong? There was no burglar.

Rasta-Mon-Opoly. Galip-Olopoly. Edna Krabappoly. Let's stick to original Monopoly. The game is crazy enough as it is. How can an iron be a landlord? Pennsylvania Avenue. I want to buy a house. Hey, where'd they go?

You'll win her yet, Artie. I mean, uh, Arr-tie.

I'll handle Ranger Ned. After all, I'm smarter than the average bear. Well, hello there, Ho-didilly-omi. Well, I'm afraid I'm gonna have to ask you to hand over that-- Gee, Homi, it's not very nice to maul Ranger Ned. - You want some of this? - Uh-uh.

Monorail! Monorail! Monorail! I still think we should have spent the money to fix Main Street. Well, you should have written a song like that guy. Thank you for coming, Mr. Lanley. I'm Miss Hoover. Miss Hoover? That is hard to believe.

Oy, gevalt! Close the door! Then came my big break.

One size fits all, my butt! Come on. We're going to be late.

That oughta hold the little S.O.B.s.

Mr. Boggs, will you be on my team? You got yourself a player. Damn! All right, I'll take Louis. I'll take jose Canseco. D'oh!

Oh, I'm sorry. I thought this was a family restaurant. Oh, it is. It is. Just, uh, pull them stools up to the pool table. Daddy, this place... smells like tinkle! Mm-hmm. I think we'll just go to the Texas Cheesecake Depository.

if I ever get ahold of you, I'll sink my teeth into your cheek and rip your face off ! You'll do what, young man ? What-What ? Wait. Who is this ? I think the real question is who is this and where is Homer Simpson ? Whoa, whoa. Sorry. Principal Skinner, sorry. It's a bad connection, I think. It's for you. I think Bart's in trouble again.

It is a monkey's paw, dating back to Al-Al Ben Abdallah. It grants wishes to its owner. Oh, yeah? How much? I strongly advise you, do not purchase this. Behind every wish lurks grave misfortune. I was once president of Algeria.

Yes, Marge. There's still the matter of-- I was a little girl. Good-bye, Margie. Be a good girl now. Why does Daddy have to leave? Because he's a pilot. He flies all over the world.

(SIGHS) Looks like the Mutton Chop Murderer has struck again. What should we do with the body? I want you to dust her for Prince. What does that mean? (SIGHS) The Prince is coming by and I want her clean when he looks her over. (IN BRITISH ACCENT) Perhaps we can be of assistance, Inspector.

Oh, no! Those are my numbers. If it wasn't for that dog, I would have won.

Me? Unlikely. My gooney brother's always going to libraries. I usually hang out in front. Oh. You like hanging out too? Well, it beats doin' stuff. Yeah. Stuff sucks.

We believe that God's last prophet, Bart Simpson, preached a message of tolerance and love. We believe the holy Bartman preached a message of understanding and peace before he was betrayed by his follower, Milhouse,

Yes! (GASPS) My bike! My crappy, crappy bike! I'm very sorry, Bart. I'll pay for a new bike. (LAUGHS)

Mom, this is for you-- 15 pounds of Vancouver smoked salmon. Here. Smell it. Oh, Bart, you didn't have to do that. Ohh!

What does it eat ? I don't understand. What's this all about ? Well, I suppose pork chops are his favorite. Get those bears out of here. I'm trying to do an interview.

Um-- What? - Excuse me, ma'am. Don't you think you've gambled enough? - No! Okay. We're required by law to ask every 75 hours. Get her another free drink.

So long! Don't come back! Hi, kids! Welcome to Kamp Krusty! I'll see you in a few weeks.

All right. Popcorn's ready. Hey! That's the fire alarm! We gotta get outta here! Wait for me! Come on! Come on! Come on! Get out of my way!

Good evening. Sorry, I had a really big dinner. Whoo! Dinner! But I'm sure one more french fry wouldn't hurt. Oh, we missed the gut buster!

Sure, we could tear this house down--

Your parents were Herb and Judy Nahasapeemapetilon. And if you do not wish to arouse suspicion, I strongly urge you to act American. Hey there, Homer. How's it hanging? Low and lazy. So--

And now that I'm back to normal, I don't bring you peace and love. I bring you fear, famine, pestilence and-- Time for a booster. Good morning, starshine the earth SAys hello

What's the answer?

You just wanted me to help you gamble. You never wanted to be with me at all. You're a very selfish man. Go to hell! Go to hell!

A big, dumb, balding, North American ape with no chin. And a short temper. I'll show you a big, dumb, balding ape ! Uh-oh. Kwyjibo on the loose.

so this is our last chance to bone up. And bone we will.

I know you like clowns, so I made you this bed. Now you can laugh yourself to sleep. If you should die before you wake--

Yes, I was, Marge. And thank you for selecting me. Well, hello, Pierce. Say, it's a bit stuffy in here. And I know a certain someone who really fancies lilac. I just like it, is all. Ooh. Mmm. That really covers the cat crap.

Some days we don't let the line move at all. We call those "weekdays." Good one. At least I'm not stuck at the cracker factory like Milhouse. Wow!

Ooh, he's quite a little dancer. Ah, you got lucky, Flanders! And fix that hat!

What are you going to do?

What's the big deal about a rock that looks like a dude?

Ronaldo! Yes. I am Flamenco Flamingo.

I'm still mad at you for chopping up my skateboard with an ax. I did it for the insurance money.

I hit it! I hit it! My cans. My precious, antique cans. Aw, look what you done to 'em. Well, it's getting late. Maybe we should call it a night.

Well, I'm not leaving till I get paid. I get 500 just for "Hey, hey!" Who called for an emergency "sisterectomy"? We got a report that a Lisa Simpson spotted a U.F.O. I didn't see any U.F.O.!

Ooh, if only someone could tame him. You're right, Lisa. Love isn't about fixing someone. I'm just gonna give her up cold turkey. I'm not gonna talk to her or see her. It's over. Thanks for the advice, Sis.

And cut. I just wanna thank you folks so much. This has turned out to be a great, great story for me. I think they're running out of tomatoes.

Bart, you're the man of the house.

Drive faster, Grandma! Grandma's gaining on us! They'll never look for us here.

I think we should avoid each other from now on." "Max, what I did, I did because of alcohol and anger." "I'm tired of these jokes about my giant hand. The first such incident occurred in 1956 when"-- Hi, Homer. Mindy! Uh--

I called to say I love you. Thanks. When is she going to stop loving me?

Hmph. Oh. Hmph! Oh, sweetie! Hmm. Oh.

testify Hey. Got a nicotine craving - Testify There's a cramp in my glavin Testify oy! Testify Testify Perhaps it's time to fight razzle with dazzle.

Welcome back to Pigskin Preview! Denver/Green Bay-- Who do you like? That's football, right?

Can you believe Marge... Homer doesn't know. Marge. (ALL TALKING INDISTINCTLY) Can you believe that Homer and Marge's marriage is just a sham? All right, I'll order. I'll have a medium pepperoni. And could you space out the meat so that it spells, "Happy birthday, Moe."

Thrust! Parry! Stab, stab, stab, stab! Oh, he ain't pretty no more.

I don't know whether it's the lack of sleep, the sodium pentothal, or that it's the only cartoon I've seen in two months. But this is what I believe in now. Oh, Homer, we've gotta get out of here. Yeah, yeah. Next commercial. I know a way out. Who are you? I'm the last registered Democrat. Tax and spend! Tax and spend!

Really? What type of smart? Book smart? Because there are a lot of people who are book smart. But it takes a very special type of genius to-- All right, Bob. It's over! Come out with your hands up! No! How did they find me?

but I can't seem to find a cause for it. Hey! Hey! Get down from that bookshelf, please! Most of those books haven't been discredited yet. Would you please tell your son to stop? We can't do it, man! That's discipline. That's like telling Gene Krupa not to go--

Whenever the wind whistles through the leaves, I'll think Lowenstein. Lowenstein. My name is Zweig. Lowenstein.

Come on! It'll be fun! Wow! Now I have the energy to do anything! - Oh-oh! Uh, just give me two minutes. - Tsk! Oh!

(ALL LAUGHING) As royal physician, it is my learned opinion that her womb is filled with sea serpents. (GROANS) (MUTTERING) Must sire a dude. Must sire a dude. Father dearest, I am the son you crave.

This ain't no five-X whiskey. I can still see. That barkeep's a no-good cheat!

No, Artie, Artie.

Can't we have one meeting that doesn't end with us digging up a corpse?

wear those things. Ohh. Ow! Hey, watch those virtual darts! I'm trying to play virtual pool. Ow! Hey, hey! No fighting in my bar!

This was the largest auto that I could afford. Should I therefore be made the subject of fun? I guess so. Wh-- He--

Oh, I feel for you, my child, and I'd like to help you.

Don't stop, Milhouse. You're so close! I gotta barf!

What I'm saying, sir, is that a man of your carriage... couldn't possibly fit in our seats. I could sit in the aisle. I'm afraid that would violate the fire code. Hey, fatty! I got a movie for ya. A Fridge Too Far.

I thought you said she was overweight. It takes two to lie-- one to lie and one to listen. What does that mean? I don't have time to answer that.

Do so, and you will be suspended. Hey, who squealed ? Can't get anything past Principal Skinner. He knows everything. Vandalism fans, hold onto your hats. Who does he think he is, anyway ? He's not gonna get away with that.

Sir, a lot of people are stroking guns. Also it has been brought to my attention that a number of you are stroking guns. Therefore, I will step aside and open up the floor. Mr. Burns was the closest thing I ever had to a... friend. But he fired me. Now I spend my days drinking cheap scotch and watching Comedy Central.

But it's also a constant battle for moral superiority.

Homer, do you have an explanation for this bill? Oh, it's that record club. The first nine were only a penny. Then they jacked up the price! It's not fair. It's not fair, I tells ya.

Sounds like that gopher I caught in me lawn mower.

What the hey! I'm in too! Gee, thanks, guys. This is just like The Deer Hunter. The Deer Hunter? Uh, huh-- That reminds me. Didi mah! Didi mah!

Geez. I don't remember this much bad blood when I was a Cavalry Kid.

Uh, i hate to interrupt your fun, boys, but I got a few complaints that your game is crooked. And how. Gee, I'd hate to close you down. Maybe we can reach a little, uh, understanding here. I understand.

All right! My bumper fell off! Not my fault. Act of God, act of God. Uh-oh. Uh--

Give her the check! I was serious. Say, let me tell you about Lisa S.

Who said it was a he? Well, I sure didn't. Who said you did? - Nobody. - Wrong answer! Let's go! Okilly-dokilly. You're pushin' your luck, pal. Ooh! Ooh! Here's my commercial! A monster!

Stupid isotopes. Hurry up and lose so we can get outta here!

Cheer up, Homie. I feel terrible about getting Mr. Smithers fired. That job was all he had. Imagine how you'd feel, Marge, if you got fired from the-- those things that... you do. Quick, Mom. Whip up a cake before Dad fires ya.

You look like a man able to make a decision. See that man over there ?

It is payback time, and this time it's personal. Wow! That looks great, Mom. Some of your best work. Oh! It sounds so real. I didn't turn it on yet.

Homie, I'm losing my hair. Now, sweetie, don't worry about a thing. I'll teach you to comb it over so no one can tell-- Just like my hair.

Where's my chai latte? Krusty, we need you to run for Congress. Congress? But I hate the government. They've been on my back like hump on granny. I.R.S., A.T.F., Immigration. Immigration?

No! No! No! Oh! - Oh, for the love of-- - Boy. I've never seen a man so desperate to get out of five minutes of calisthenics. One, two, three, four. Up, down, three, four. This new exercise program is great.

f Woman f w' Memories w' w' Like the corners of m y minds Here's an interesting clue. Homer's assailant left a black smudge on the spa invitation. This could be the breakthrough we-

Now before you did The Godfather, there was Love Story. Tell us about that. Ah, Love Story. The little picture that could. Was Paramount chomping at the bit to make it? You better believe they weren't. But once that tearjerker hit john Q. Popcorn,

But there's only one way to find out.

Yes? I'm not gonna make it. Oh, stop talking crazy. just do one thing for me.

And make love? I suppose so. Oh, that's sweet. Why would Sideshow Bob go so nuts over a fireplace? Because he wants his honeymoon... to be romantic. Romantic? With Aunt Selma? I guess you're too young to understand.

Hey, Jack, you got any twos? You can't handle the twos! Oh, Marge, don't you love it when our hands meet in the popcorn tub?

In the business we call it "retirony."

Smithers, coffee. Ah! We need some excitement around here. - Chinese checkers or domestic, sir? - No, no. Something fun. Something the men will enjoy, like a safety drill.

If you're happy and you know it shop at Stan's Giant discounts on your favorite major brands Attention, shoppers. The mall is now closed. Okay, folks. You heard the recording. Clear out.

Why? Just because she sings like Whitney Houston brought to life? (SIGHS) Don't lose hope, sweetie. I'm gonna write you a song so great, you can't lose. And that's not just the beer talking. Your father's in here, too. (PLAYING PIANO)

Sugar Hmm-hmm-hmm! Hey, Mrs. K.! Oh, Arthur!

Now drop your pants. Yeah, b-- but my hands are up! Hula out of them! All right, Officer. Eh-- Where the-- What the heck is goin' on out there?

How 'bout this little bee? No! Oh! Remember your hippopotamus oath.

All right! A gross-out contest! Grandma Plopwell, you've done it again! Care for a free sample? Thank you. Mmm. For low fat, this pudding's pretty good. Mmm. Mmm. I can feel the pounds just melting off.

Blah! I almost swallowed some of the juice.

And... now. Ohh.

D'oh! Homer, I've coughed up scarier stuff than that. Grampa, why don't you tell us a story? You've led an interesting life. That's a lie, and you know it! But I have seen a lot of movies.

but I'm not even on your list. Excuse me. We gotta help her. If Marge isn't happy, I'm not happy, and if I'm not happy, Moe is very happy. But for once, this isn't about Moe. What should I do, Doctor Hotdog? All right, I have an answer.

We've recovered the flame. It's beautiful. - Are you okay? - Yeah. I'm fine.

Gabriel, are you okay? Yes. But I'm afraid your lunch has attracted some unwanted visitors.

(BRAKES SCREECHING) Look at the American computer monkey. Dance, monkey. Dance.

Do you have to talk like that? No, not really. Marge, you gotta help me. I have to do one good deed to get into heaven. Well, I've got a whole list of chores-- Clean the garage, paint the house, grout the ti-- Whoa, whoa, whoa. I'm just trying to get in. I'm not running for Jesus. Okay, good deed, good deed. Hello!

It's important that no one knows that I'm a food critic. Hear that, Maude? Homer's a critic. Homer's a critic. Pass it on. Did you hear? Homer's a critic. Quit changing the subject! Where is Uter? We just want closure.

but unfortunately, one of them was... pure evil.

Yeah, me too. That midget taught me a lot about his native Estonia.

Whew. Full moon. Hmm. Still got it. What is the meaning of this ?

Oh, thanks a lot. Now I look crazy.

Oh, man, what a day. I'd kill for a beer. Uh, right away, sir. I-I-I don't want no trouble.

just say the word, and I'll drive this hoe in his back! I can make it look like suicide. And I want a bike, and a monkey, and a friend for the monkey-- You're not gonna start any fires, are you? At my house, we call 'em "uh-ohs."

Bart, a school-sponsored medieval festival is supposed to be the best day of a young girl's life. And you ruined it! You deserved to be expelled! I didn't do it! Mom, you believe me, don't you? Bart, I love you. But sometimes I don't love your choices.

You removed it from its original packaging! No! It's no longer a collectible!

MAN: Talkin' 'bout my generation I hope I die before I get old CALCULATOR: Y? Y? Y?

Bart, my short, learned friend, the Book of joshua says "You shall meditate on the Torah all day and all night."

giggling like a schoolgirl.

Ah, McBain, so glad you could make it. Have a salmon puff. All right.

If you could do that, I'd make this place a shining beacon for the Lord! Ah, you are so full of it! God's grace, that is. It's really sickening... there aren't more people like you. Now get out... your pen and we'll make it official. Oh, bless you, sir!

Welcome to Planet Springfield, the restaurant owned by me, Chuck Norris, johnny Carson's third wife and the Russian mafia. Each Planet Springfield is filled with priceless Hollywood gewgaws. There's the coffee mug from Heartbeeps!

Well, hot dog, we have a "Wiener."

Kids. Kids. I'm not gonna die. That only happens to bad people. What about Abraham Lincoln? Uh-- He sold poisoned milk to schoolchildren. Homer! Hey, I'm just trying to make it easier on 'em. Bed goes up. Bed goes down. Bed goes up. Bed goes down. Bed goes up. Bed goes down.

Time to go home, Bart. You don't understand. I can't go home. You got to give me detention. Look! I fed the gerbil coffee! Ah! (INDIFFERENT GRUNT) Please, make me write something on the chalkboard a thousand times!

Ooh, boy, Flipsy! You and I are going on a road trip. Whoa! Ha-ha.

Yeah. You with the million-dollar gams. Don't you see? He's pointing out how sexist men can be. Yeah. Listen to the tomato with the melons.

- Hmm? - Who or what is Hugo? Hmm. I'm afraid we haven't been entirely honest with you, Bart. You see, you have a brother. So I have two brothers? Lisa, please! Yes, Bart. You have a twin brother. You see, when you were born, there was... an irregularity.

That is it, Ned. If you don't unplug that phone right now, you're sleeping on the lawn. Will you two shut up? People are trying to sleep!

Homer, you're physically an adult. And what you do in the privacy of your own soul is your business. But I didn't change Bart's diapers for five years to see him become a Catholic! I thought there was a monster in the potty. Let's go! (GRUNTS)

Oh, only one person in a million would find that funny. Yes, we call that the Dennis Miller ratio.

even cynical members of Generation X. Yeah, "groovy." Troy, I'm proud to offer your viewers... these hand-drawn Itchy & Scratchy animation cels. Each one is absolutely, positively, 100% guaranteed... to increase in value. I guarantee it. Whoo!

Homer, what are you doing? I wanted to surprise you with a kicky summer do. How many husbands would do that for their wives?

Fritz, you idiot!

(INDISTINCT CHATTER) Greetings, wage donkeys. Is everyone happy and content? Yeah! This is great! I would die for you! Is your sense of outrage dulled? Spill it, super boss! (CHUCKLES) Very well, effective immediately, the employee prescription drug program is terminated!

I think she likes you.

But I just can't say no to a weapon. Whoa! Can I try that sometime? Yeah, sure. Never hurts to have a second set of prints on a gun. Wow, thanks, Nelson. I'll come by your house later!

I just put a rock in your crummy town. That's a crud rock. It belongs in Crud Town.

Oh, thank God I'm outta matches. Oh, no. Here's another one. Please don't kill me. I won't tell anyone about the skeleton. And I could bring you more victims. Like Lenny. He'd go great with wild rice.

I want his cat and his dog dead. Wait, wait, wait, wait. Who is before the cat? just kill the mayor. Y-You're not mad at me, are you?

Why doesn't mine look like that? Why? Da-- Why? Why must life be so hard?

Well, we're not. Go on in. They're expecting you at the clubhouse. Look at this! Livin' large! Oh, my! I've always dreamed of coming here. Everybody keep smiling, and I know we're going to fit right in.

I'd like to talk to you about bringing legal action... against the fiend who did this to your boy. Well, the fiend who did this to my boy is my boss. And besides, the doctor says it's just a bump on the head...

And she looks like Blossom. Lisa? With people? If they're impressed by her, I'm gonna Bart their world. Okay, Milhouse, you know the drill. Right. You go over and wow them. I hide in the shrubs.

and I don't want any other weird surprises, you got it?

The kids'll go cuckoo for these! (CUCKOOS) (CHUCKLES) My name's Goose Gladwell. Of Goose's Gags and Gifts? That's right. I've got 20 stores in 30 states. And I want to sell your shirts in most of them. You really think my shirts will sell? Absotively! Here, take my card.

- this court has no choice but to-- - Stop! Principal Skinner!

I don't get it. They should be here by now. Ah, what are you gonna do?

Mom, you can't possibly believe that. I have to, honey. Or you can stay here and we'll have our own dance. Every Simpson, dance now Bump, bump, bump, bump bump, bump I'll go. This better work, boy. I don't wanna wind up...

Come on, boy. Dig in. They'll give you a big, strong thorax. Wh-- Whoa! Why, you little--

If you do not have a chit, you will not receive a gift. Wow! The March 8 newspaper! Cool! A book of carpet samples! Come on, new bike! Ohh. A soiled wig.

Five, four, three, two, one, countdown!

Oh, Bea ! Mr. Simpson, I presume.

Funzo's soft and cuddly. With lots of firepower. Ow. Yes! Ha-ha! Funzo! Funzo! Funzo! if you don't have Funzo, you're nothin'. Mom, I know what I want for Christmas. Bart, they lied to us. Instead of giving us an education,

Oh, no. No freezing. No, Mr. Simpson. This is a sensory-deprivation tank. It blocks out all the external distractions that bombard our souls. Can you pee in it? I'll take two hours. Me too. You're about to take a journey into the mind.

Does anybody need that much porno?

Hey, it worked! Well, we were lucky this time. But it's all too clear that some things in this universe... aren't meant to be trifled with. Homer, what are you doing? Something I should have done a long time ago. I'll teach you to mess with my machine!

I said to myself, "Evans, you forgot Hollywood rule number one-- kill Homer Simpson."

With you here, I cant fail. Attention, everyone! l was asked to take a dive, but I wont do it. l-N-T-R-A-N-S-l-G-A-N-C-EI You fool! ts "E-N-C-EH Oh, my God! You’re right! I spelled it wrong.

our skimpy costuMes ain't so bad They seem to entertain your dad the gin in your martini the clams on your linguine yes we keep the-- In springfield

The boy's hearing should clear up in a day. If it doesn't, call me in the Bahamas. For now, he can express himself with this complimentary pen. Cool. Oh, it's a good pen. Try it out. All right. That was a malpractice waiver, fool! (CHUCKLING)

He's damn opposed. Damn, damn, damn opposed. Bart! Homer, what possible reason could you have... against Grampa being in love? If he marries your mother, Marge, we'll be brother and sister! And then our kids, they'll be horrible freaks... with pink skin, no overbites and five fingers on each hand!

Dad, did you read all these books today? Everything from Hop on Pop to Death Be Not Proud. It's so tragic the way they hopped on Pop. I always dreamed you'd be my library buddy.

Quick, Edna. I'll use your purse as a scoop.

Check it out. I'm breaking books at a sixth grade level. Get 'em, boy. Hit those smart-ass books. Why don't you kick some books, Lisa? Bart broke all my books. You know what our homework is? Find a toy and bring it to class. Boy, that sounds fun. I know. But I'm still not gonna do it.

So, Lisa, do you have a date for the Harvest Dance? This is not a good time. It's never a good time.

Uh, how's that goin'? What? Ah, never mind. Just refill this with jelly, will ya? Thanks. You're an angel. What?

I like. I like!

Don't worry. You can win 'em back if you stick the landing. Big smile.

The Simpsons D'oh.

Iron helps us play! Hello, Joe! Bart? There's someone in here who wants to meet you.

Yellow matter custard... dripping from a dead dog's eye. I don't feel so fab.

- I think he forgot, Mom. - Mm-hmm. Oh, no. Come on. Come on. Open up ! Good morning, consumers. The Springfield Mall is now open for your spending needs.

Okay. Which way should i turn?

- Here's a bus schedule. - Wow! Fits right in my pocket.

first you get the sugar, then you get the power, then you get the women.

we have to say things that aren't exactly-- Lies make Baby jesus cry.

You tell Mr. Saul Bellow the Nobel prize-winning Jewish novelist that I lost my appetite. Could you direct me to President Francois Mitterand's table? You think you're funny? 50 million Frenchmen can't be wrong.

Hello. What's this ? It's for you, Marge. From merry old England. "From the desk of Ringo Starr" !

I'm coming, sweetheart! I'll save you, Lisa! (RUMBLING) Oh, my God! Oh! Ooh.

(DOORBELL RINGING)

The flowers starting to open. Everyone, flare your nostrils in olfactory anticipation!

Y'ello. Oak Ridge? This is Springfield Nuclear. We need to order a, uh-- "T-437 safety command console." Uh, Springfield, my computer shows your T-437 is fully operational. Uh, I suggest you--

I feel so European. Huh. Mine keeps disappearing. Oh, well.

Homer, that's your solution to everything-- to move under the sea. It's not gonna happen. Not with that attitude.

- Hubba hubba. Oh, you kid. - Thank you, dear. Now, be good for Grampa while we're at the parent/teacher meeting.

I didn't do it. Oh, that's right. I invited a guest speaker to talk to the class. Hello, children. I got separated from my platoon after we parachuted into DÜsseldorf.

Uh-- Marge, this may not be the best time to bring this up, but your last check bounced. Wait. I'm remembering something. Yes, Marge. There's still the matter of-- I was a little girl. Good-bye, Margie. Be a good girl now.

Every note is a dagger in my heart. I got to get out of here. Moe's Tavern home of the Super Sunday Brunch Spectacular. Ohh! Baloney. Bread! Got you down for 40 bucks. Good luck, Your Eminence. You can't take more of my money.

Get bent. What's going on here? Oh, Yentl. I might have known. That Yentl puts the "she" in yeshiva. Hmm. Well, you've cooled down. That's what you think.

Three! Three! - Two! - Two! - One! - One! And the final from Riverfront Stadium: Miami 24, Cincinnati 10. - Yeah! - Yeah! Mom sure will be happy you won $50.

Get out of my way!

It seems the chief had gone to the bank to cash in his penny jar. ...48, 49, 50. What the-- ? Ooh! Good work, Chief. just doing my job. Yes, it seems the chief pulled a Homer Simpson of his own.

I went through a wide range of emotions. First I was nervous, then anxious, then wary, then apprehensive, then kind of sleepy, then worried and then concerned. But now I realize that being a spaceman... is something you have to do.

Oh, no. It's happening. Uh-oh.

The A.M.A. tries to drive you guys out of business. Now you're doing the same to me! Think about the irony. You've been warned. Stop chiropracting! Not unless you think about the irony!

Dancin' away my hunger pangs Movin' my feet so my stomach won't hurt I'm kinda like Jesus But not in a sacrilegious way And now our next speaker is Mr. Warmth himself,

That was ten minutes ago. I think I did pretty good in there. Yeah, those Germans aren't so bad. Sure, they've made mistakes in the past, but that's why pencils have erasers. Attention, workers. We have completed our evaluation. We regreat to announce the following layoffs, which I will read in alphabetical order.

I needed more money to support my growing family. And there was only one place in town that a man like me could make it.

- What happened to Mindy? - Yes, what did happen to her? She hit the bottle pretty hard and lost her job. Hmm. Good. Does anyone else have a love story? Yes, I do, and just like your love stories, it's tragic and filled with hurt feelings... and scars that will never heal.

I need two double-A batteries, now! Get 'em from the smoke detector. What if there's a fire? The smoke will wake us up. How about this one? St. Jerome's Catholic School. Catholic schools are usually the most affordable private schools. Catholic school, eh? That'll straighten you out, boy.

Oh, and don't wrap it too tightly. I'm hungry now. You've made a powerful enemy today, my friend. Wow. I never seen you have so many lunch beers before, Homer. Oh, I... concur.

Hey, Bart, if Lisa's better than you at hockey, does that mean you're gonna become better than her at school? Maybe I will, Milhouse. Maybe I will.

Well, well, a big muscle-bound nerd. Ha! Just more of you to pick on. The geek shall inherit the earth. There she is, boy. I don't know, Dad. What if she's still mad at me? Listen to me, Son. No one loves a quitter.

Homer... Sexual. Wait one second. Let me check.

And that's how I earned the Iron Cross. Can we borrow this, Grampa? Sure. She still works. That's my brass knee. Steel hip. That one's news to me.

Uh, no, sir. I discussed this with our lawyers. They consider it murder. Damn their oily hides!

"Dear parents, due to yesterday's unscheduled field trip to the auto wrecking yard, "the school bus will be out of commission for two weeks. "By reading this letter out loud, "you have waived any legal responsibility on our part... in perpetuity, throughout the universe."

Ah, now this is a happy family. You likin' this thing? How's the humidity? Good? Why am I asking? I can see on the meter it's good. Oh, everything is perfect. Yeah. Nothing's too good for my little angels. Hup! It's almost showtime.

Yeah-- Ooh! He can't talk now. Marge?

Two, four, six, eight, Homer's crime was very great! Great meaning large or immense. We use it in the pejorative sense.

Bart, water will only go the other way in the Southern Hemisphere. What the hell is the Southern Hemisphere? Haven't you ever looked at your globe? See? The Southern Hemisphere is made up of everything below the equa-- this line.

Well, I'm fresh out of ideas.

I want these springs out of our house today! You fluSh one down it swirls arounD 999 springs to fluSh down You're not flushing those springs down our toilet, are you? Of course not.

Snooze. Need more snooze.

Congratulations, Mr. Bunyan. It's a boy! Jeezum crow! How was it, honey? Whiskey, please. Me "hungee."

All I have to do is follow the yellow drip road.

Sir, the actors are here to audition for the part of you. Excellent. Excellent. Next. Exc-ell-ent. Next. Exactly. D'oh!

let me just say, seatbelts save lives, so buckle up ! This is so cool. Oh, I can't watch !

Hey, hey! Run, Bart! Pump your thighs! Pump them! Hurry up, Dad! I'm with you, Son.

Get some attention from a handsome police officer. That's crazy! Look, I know I don't have any proof. But this woman is trying to kill me! Fine. Let me tell you what I tell everybody who comes in here. The law is powerless to help you. Do I have to be dead before you'll help me?

Oh, come on, Dad, anything but that. Homer, couldn't we pawn my engagement ring instead ? Now, I appreciate that, honey, but we need $150 here ! Afternoon, Simpson. What can I do for ya ? Would you pay $150 for this lovely Motorola ? Is it cable ready ?

Hey, Homer we saved you a doughnut. It has pink frosting. Thanks. It looks... Hey, wait a minute! just because I'm wearing pink doesn't mean I'm some kind of pink doughnut-eater... although it is tempting.

I... am not a crook!

And that's the truth. That dog's a riot. Thank you.

Yes. Sometimes I think I am getting too old for this game. Okay, kids. Let's hurry it up. Good-bye, Simpsons. Thank you for your hospitality. I hope this experience will not sour you on the student exchange program. Good-bye, Adil. Have a nice trip.

Now take off those glasses, so they can see your beautiful eyes.

Lisa, please join my family for a weekend in the country. There'll be hunting, charades and ever so many delightful romantic misunderstandings. Lisa! Lisa! Hey, Lisa! They're only using you for your pool, you know. Shut up, brain. I got friends now. I don't need you anymore.

(GASPING) (SCREAMING) Shut it! Shut it! (GRUNTS) Moe, you've won. I'll see you at baggage claim. Hot damn, I won!

Ah. Here's a chance to earn my keep. I will go out and get these items from the food jobber. Grocery store, please.

you steal my car and park it on the railroad tracks. Then when the 10:15 train comes along-- Wham! Insurance company pays off 5,000 clams. I keep showing Renee the sweet life. You're a genius, Moe. All your troubles... will soon be over for a couple of months.

Where were you planning to keep this horse? I've got it figured out.

Ooh! Ooh! Me first. You can't go on that. You have a heart condition. Heart condition? Get out of here. You had a quadruple bypass. You nearly died. Don't you remember?

Sorry, we're all full. Are you sure this is a sci-fi convention? It's full of nerds. Hi, Lisa. Hey, Lisa. Guten tag. Hi.

Menu boy must move silently like ghost. Leave no footprint, only lunch specials. Hai!

How are they, Ralph? Good? They taste like burning.

You are one cold-blooded killer, dude. But-- But I wasn't-- I didn't-- Right through the neck! Doesn't get any sweeter than that, Simpson. Savor the moment.

Why, you little-- Homie, you're all right! We're a family again! This calls for a celebration. We're all going to Hawaii.

Out of my way. I got a date with an angel. You don't know how right you are, Abe. What ?

Hmm. A Ford urinating on a Chevrolet. - Don't you usually laugh at everything? - Yes. Yes, I do.

I spent $15 on those dance lessons. Might as well use them. Forward, side, together. Back, side, together. Forward, side, together. Back, side, together. This is so sad. Yeah, he's crazy all right. EDNA: All right, students.

Hello, Marge ? Hello ? I'm the one who's dying, not you. Oh, I'm sorry, Homer. Have you thought about what you want to tell the kids ?

ANNOUNCER: End of round one, 230 rounds to go.

I don't know. I'd better sleep on it.

What the-- Oh, no!

Oh. Now what am I gonna get Lisa? Sir, I can offer you this Tickle Me Krusty... the most popular toy of 1999. I'm anatomically correct.

We made it! We discovered the magnificent Pacific Northwest. (THUNDER RUMBLES) I say we give this lovely land a name worthy of its beauty. Eugene, Oregon! And we owe it all to you. You're gonna get the greatest honor this country can bestow.

Get ready, everybody. He's about to do something stupid.

You hate your father, don't you? Sometimes. But the guy I really hate is your father. I shouldn't have brought that up. I was just venting. Anyhoo, I think your fear of death is causing your insomnia,

I was trying to punish him exactly like you would. So, in a way, you really dropped the ball on this one. This is your mess, and I'll be damned if I'm gonna clean it up.

Don't you have any neutral ones? "May the better man win"-- "Let's have a good, clean election"-- that sort of thing? Uh, no, but we do have some old shirt buttons. They're kind of kooky and fun. Missy, you just talked yourself right out of a sale. Hey, Lise, check it out-- pogo stilts.

It's behind a velvet rope. A velvet rope.

Mr. Leonard, Mr. Carlson? Would you like to buy some candy bars for charity? Oh, sure. We were just gonna buy the same candy inside the store but for less.

I'm ecstatic. With the money from this, we're within striking distance of our trip to Albany. Super. Now, let's give a big junior Achievers welcome to our guest speaker. I know he can teach us a lot about business. Mr. C. Montgomery Burns.

Now we'll get a real doctor's opinion. Bad news Oh ?

Don't mind if I do!

- That's why I faked my death. - But we saw your plane crash. Yeah, but I wasn't in it. just before I hit the mountain, I jumped out of the plane... into a carefully placed net. Now that we've blown your cover, I guess you gotta come back and do your show again.

Twelve glasses of water. That will wake me up nice and early. And I'll have a big head start on opening presents. Pure genius. You didn't invent that, Bart.

Nice meetin' ya. Just keep moving. Don't make eye contact.

Enjoy your rest. The wedding was very tough on you... and the honeymoon is going to be... murder.

Hey ! What ? What ? Oh, my. Where are we supposed to get a sitter on such short notice ? Oh, dear. If we can't find a baby-sitter, we can't go. What a kick in the teeth.

I thought you said you had to go. Ah, the old college gates.

Hey, everybody, I'm Peter Pants-less! I can't take this much longer. I gotta have a beer!

- Sure thing, jerk. - Chief is fine. You're on the Morning Zoo with Bill and Marty! What's your Wednesday whine? MR. BURNS: Well, first of all, I agree with you two, it's sheer humbuggery that pretty girls can flirt their way out of speeding tickets. No support for the naughty hotties! (HONKING HORN) Secondly, I want you to pack up and get out.

Whoo hoo! Only in America could I get a job. Who was that young hellcat? Homer Simpson. Simpson, eh? I'll remember that name. Marge, Marge!

Now, just breathe into him every three seconds. Make sure you form a tight seal around his mouth. No! Should I keep doing it?

Huh? D'oh! You seem like a nice guy. Why are you here? I wore a pink shirt. I understand. People thought I dressed crazy. What did you wear? One white glove covered with rhinestones. ...And scratchy show!

Hello? Uh, yeah, Mrs. Simpson, I have some bad news.

And if you drive me, people will think you're gay. One of us! One of us!

Homer Simp-- Uh, Max Power. Ooh, hey! Great name! Yeah, isn't it? I got it off a hair dryer.

Do you mind if I say a few words? Oh, "Me, me, me. I need all the attention... just because it's my party," eh? Please don't make me retire. My job is the only thing that keeps me alive. I never married, and my dog is dead. I'm not finished. Oh, yes, you are.

Mayor unveils erection to cheering crowd. This week's Oops Patrol T-shirt goes to... Whom? Whom? Mrs. Marge Simpson of Springfield! Ta-dah! Mom made the Oops Patrol! Hot damn! Bart, you're not at school, don't swear.

Wait! Mom, I don't want you to see this. I did it. Bart, I wouldn't have expected this even from you. My son's a thief.

Uh, ladies and gentlemen the unthinkable has happened. Some sick, twisted individual has stolen every teacher's edition in this school.

And your scalp and posture seem fine. Yes! Kids, did anyone pray for giant shoes? - I did! - Okilly-dokilly. We've been doing a lot of upper-body work on Bart. - Today, let's pound his kidneys. - Yeah. Let's get-- Huh?

Done. - Bart ! You're just pretending to know what I'm talking about. - True. Well, it's very frustrating. I'll bet.

Dad, do you notice anything strange? Yeah, his hairdo looks so queer. - I heard that! - It was the boy!

You know, in my day, little boys didn't call their elders by their first names. Yeah? Well, welcome to the 20th century, George. I'll kick you right out of the 20th century, you little--

Have you sold that tie rack yet? - No. - I'll take it. Now, folks, nothing spells fun... like rhinestones on a dungaree jacket. Stu, you should buy that. Hey. Disco Stu doesn't advertise. Uh, hey, Ned, let me help you with that.

Hey, girls. Check out this president. I am not a butt! Bart, do you wanna play john Wilkes Booth or do you wanna act like a maniac? I'll be good. Ralph, I'm sorry I--

Woke up this morning Got yourself a gun

Good idea. Milhouse, you and me will be Omega Team. Todd, you and Data are Team Strike Force. Nelson, that leaves you and Martin. Team Discovery Channel! Your wussiness better come in handy.

Now, now. Mama's gonna make you a snack. Ooh. Oh, yeah. Oh, that's good.

I’ve heard about you vendors. Hey, lady! I like the way your body looks! - Stop objectifying my mom! - I will in a second. Whoo! Hey, baby! You’re an object! Ah-ha-hal Help! Help! Who will save this promising young honors student?

Pete, ye got some customers. No, we're looking for this man-- Krusty the Clown. Hmm. N'arr, n'arr, n'arr. It's hopeless, Bart. We've searched up and down these docks,

Hey, boy! Pull, Willie! Pull! I'm doin' all the pullin', ya blouse-wearin' poodle walker!

Oh, Bart. It's just an old golf umbrella stuck in a tree.

Please, please, please, please, please ! Homer, don't worry. All I need to do is find Mr. Burns' inner beauty. Ohh ! Okay. Mmm. What were you like as a boy, Mr. Burns ? Did you have a dog that you loved ? Well-- D-aaah ! There's something on my leg ! Get it off ! Get it off !

Thanks for your vote, man. I didn't vote. Voting's for geeks.

No, it doesn't. It's funny. Their clothes are different from my clothes. Look at what they're wearin'.

I'm sure it's nothing. Mom, are you feeling any better? Yes, but I'd rather not talk about it.

w' Like the corners of m y minds Here's an interesting clue. Homer's assailant left a black smudge on the spa invitation. This could be the breakthrough we- I thought I could get it while it was in the recharger.

Jasper. Gladys. Beatrice. Lookin' good, Hattie. Asa. Hazel. Hazel. Hazel! Oh, the hell with her. Hester. Emile. Prudence. Lemuel. - Increase. Dad. - Cornelius.

The zoo? What? Everybody loves my zoo. You don't love my zoo? I dare you to look at a kangaroo and not laugh. I dare you. Well, they're usually funnier.

Oh! You can stay, but I'm leaving. And of course in Canada, the whole thing's flip-flopped. Oh, my! I better get you some cider.

And no matter what happens, I'll never forget the advice you gave me. Now come on, you're gonna learn how to shave. And finally, the little spot under your nose. Next, we take some toilet paper,

Well, me and my fourth-form chums think it would be quite corking... if you'd sign over your oil well to the local energy concern. Mr. Burns. Bah! It was naive of you to think I would mistake this town's... most prominent 104-year-old man for one of my elementary school students.

The house number is spelled out with letters. Get used to it, honey. From now on we'll be spelling everything with letters. Did you wish me to destroy this machine for you? - Nah, just park it. - Very well. And I counted the pennies in the ashtray!

Almost there. Wow. Who do you have to kill to get a place like this? I think his name was Gustafson. Ow! Oh! Let me guess.

Okay. This new ending-- That we shot last night-- is a little different than what we had, but I think you'll like it. It's missing some sound effects, and the computer guys haven't added the twinkle in my eye-- Mel, you're coming off desperate.

Ow! Those dolphins seem bent on mayhem. We've gotta warn Grampa!

Hey. Where is everybody? Hey. There's a bug that looks like Dad. Let's kill it. Okay.

No, no. It's home-brewed. Careful. It's hotter than a Fox News weather skank. Oh, my! Hot! Hot! Hot! La, la, la, la, la, la, la. Here. Let me wrap this wet towel around your head to cool you off. La, la, la, la, la, la, la. (PANTING) Stop him! He's expressing his faith, eh!

Oh, Lord! Why do they keep changing his medication? Look at me, I'm Speedy Alka-Seltzer! Whoa! Moe, I gotta handle this. Can you keep an eye on Maggie? Me? Uh, yeah. Sure. If you dont think I'd spook her or nothin'. No, youll be fine. I'll be right back.

Ah, McBain, so glad you could make it. Have a salmon puff. All right.

He can't stay mad at you forever. He is your brother. When is he going to act like it?

Wow, look at all this Be Sharps merchandise! Lunch boxes, coffee mugs, funny foam. They took the foam off the market because they found out it was poisonous. But if you ask me, if you're dumb enough to eat it, you deserve to die.

workin' For the mAn eveRy night and day

Oh, really now, that's too much. It's Sideshow Bob! You wrote me those letters. You awful man!

Not all of them. And this is for pushing me off the cliff! Whoa! Whoa! All right, people, nothing to see here.

Dad, the next time we see you, we'll do something more fun. Oh, what could be more fun... than today's trip to the liquor store ?

(SIGHS) Her fiancee. Is this one of those reality deals where a guy gets a million bucks for marrying Aunt Patty, but they have to honeymoon in a box full of snakes? Son, that's the stupidest idea I ever heard. And I know exactly who would pay top dollar for it. (DIALING)

You tell him, Jumbo. And you-- Start over. I want everything in one bag. - Yes, ma'am. - But I don't want the bag to be heavy. I don't think that's possible. What are you, the possible police? Just do it. Hey, hey, watch what you're doin' there, sack monkey. You're bruising my Dura-Log.

You adults are always givin' us orders! You kids are always disobeying them. Well, adults treat kids like children! Kids treat adults like cash machines! Adults! Kids!

Hey, come on, guys. Quit being so grabby. Sorry, man. Be my guest. You may find his accent peculiar.

Mmm, beer. Hmm. April Foo--

but the humans won't stop there. They'll make bigger boards and bigger nails. Soon they will make a board with a nail so big,

That's nice work with the "bag-zooka." Gotta love what you do, Chief. Mmm, mmm. Are you all right?

Our goalie cannot stand up. Tell you what. Get some rope.

Well, I'm not principal of the line, Mother. And you never will be. I'd like the phone book for Hokkaido, Japan, please. Okay, here you go. - The phone book for Hokkaido, Japan. - Thank you. May I please use your phone? Is it a local call?

Oh, so helpless.

But we're running out of forward momentum. Uh, perhaps you could pedal for just a little while, sir. Quite impossible. I can try to bat him off if you like. Uh, really, that's o-- Holy cats, man. We're starting to wobble. Get me to a hospital.

Let's just have some milk and go to bed.

Well, class, the history of our country has been changed again... to correspond with Bart's test answers. America was now discovered in 1942 by... "some guy." And our country isn't called America anymore. It's Bonerland.

Now, you take the hoose-- The moose? The hoose! The hoose! Is this right? Turn off the noozle! The noodles? What noodles? The noozle at the end of the hoose! Miss Simpson,

And the best part is, Stupid Flanders doesn't even know it's happening in his stupid house. Hence my nickname, Stupid Flanders. (HOMER LAUGHS) (CHURCH MUSIC PLAYING) Hey, Moses. Are you a loser? "Yes, I am, Homer."

Please, If we could just stick to Principal Skinner. Chief Wigham, I am merely a conduit for the spirits. Willie Nelson will astound his fans by swimming the English Channel. Really? Willie Nelson?

Keep at it and never lose your cool. Aw, come on, ya stupid-- Let that be a lesson to the rest of you... nuts. Okay, Dad. I'll be persistent. Is that how you got Mom?

Well, I may not have a lot of "credentials" or "training," but I'll tell you one thing, I'm a Ph.D.... in pain.

The sun? That's the hottest place on Earth. Gonna work on my "tannage," buddy. Pauly Shore? Wow! Hey. We should do a show together, man. That's a sure cure for the blues.

Okay. This is a number 6 from somebody's address... or is it a 9? You don't know. Uh, this is gravel.

Uh, no old people. They're not covered by our insurance. It's fun! And remember our guarantee. If I'm not smiling when your check comes, your meal's on me-- Uncle Moe! Come to Uncle Moe's for family fun it's good, good, good, good Good-good-good Mmm! Sounds good.

- And we can go back for the kids too. - Hmm. I think I'm gonna like it on this boat. Run for your lives! Monster! Monster!

Ha! Then how come your laundry is always much whiter than mine?

Hmm. Sounded large when I ordered it. Oh, I can't make hide nor hair of these metric booby traps. My Lord! Such destruction. Superintendent Chalmers. How are you going? Why is it when I heard the word "school" and the word "exploded,"

Whoo! All hands on deck! Pirates off the port bow! Hey. Observatory? This is Bart Simpson. I see something in the sky at 4-12-8 and the last number is 7.

Well, dish! Groundskeeper Willie-- You know, the guy in the skirt? He bought himself a mail-order bride. But he's too cheap to pay the C.O.D., right? So she's still in a crate down at the post office. You wanna go have a look-see? Ooh, this sounds juicy. Hmm. Hey, Milhouse, want to have some fun?

But what about the guy who took my car? Devon Bradley. Character actor, dancer, singer. I'm a triple threat! He's doing Dreamcoat at the dinner theater. I can't believe everyone was in on it. Willie wasn't!

Hmm. Sounds like she's hitting a baby with a cat. You have to listen to the notes she's not playing. I can do that at home.

Is it more iced tea ye be needing? Okay.

- Food fight! - Yeah! Da-na-na na-na-na-na, na-na Mmm. No-- No!

These mallet things are padded with foam rubber. What's the point ? They'd work much better without the padding, Doc. No, no. That's not true. Ah ! Give me that. See ? Yes, well, that concludes this portion of our treatment.

Hindu. There are 700 million of us. Aw, that's super.

What next, Megatronics? "Point out problems at your workplace to your boss. To separate yourself from the herd, just tattle on the cattle." Hmm. I say Phantom Menace sucked more!

What happened? Well, There you go. I hope you all learned a val-- Silence!

What, the rock tumbler or the TV? The TV! The TV! Show Wow! They'll never let us show that again, not in a million years!

Yeah! (ALL CHEERING) Delivering these ice cold Lady Duffs has made me hot! Really hot! (UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING) Come on, Duffman!

Hey, according to the charter,

The Springfield Police have told me that 91% of all traffic accidents... are caused by you six guys. I knew we could do it! Yeah, I know. I know. But the bad news is... we gotta start havin' designated drivers.

Mmm. Invisible cola. Mmm. Forbidden doughnut.

He aint no cowboy! Sure I am. Okay, he's in.

Come on! You're gonna kill him with a pastry? I've seen this man eat a bowl of change. This Éclair has over one million calories. Twenty-five pounds of butter per square inch. Covered with chocolate so dark, light cannot escape its surface.

Bart? Sufferin' succotash! - You can talk! - Goo. Mom, Dad, she can talk! Say it again, Lise.

you'll see Rainier Wolfcastle filming his latest movie, Saving irene Ryan. You put me down, you big lummox! jed! Shut up, old lady. And stop kicking me there!

Yes? I'm not gonna make it.

High spirits are at an all-time low. They've even begun blinking in unison. I love that sound. Now, children, while you're having quiet time, I'm going to make sure my desk is exactly parallel to the rear wall.

You've raised the bar for all of us, Simpson, and I thank you. Wow. Praise from Caesar. Huh? Shoot the tires out, Lou. Uh, it's a tank, Chief. You know what? I'm gettin' real tired of your excuses.

Beautiful. Well, Marge, should I whack slow or fast? Slow, then fast. - Uh-oh. - Dad, please.

"Honey Roasted Peanuts. "Ingredients: Salt, "artificial honey-roasting agents, pressed peanut sweepings."

Hey! Mr. Wimbley, it happened again. Now to absorb some local color through the magic of A.M. radio.

That's that nuclear plant they just opened. Yeah, that's your future, bustin' atoms. Can you imagine us workin' there? The whole Carl Crew? Hey, I thought we were called Lenny and the Jets. Ah, you're both wrong. We're the Moe Szyslak Experience, featuring Homer. I like the sound of that. Friends forever? Friends forever.

so we won't have to hear your song. Sweet. Or we could go to Walter Gropius's Bauhaus Village.

A problem with the reactor?! We're all going to die! Run! Mmm... mmm. Did you get the job? Nah, they wanted someone good. Story of my life. Oh, Homey.

First, Bush invades my home turf, then he takes my pals,

I'm only doing this one more time.

Mistakes were made... by me. But don't worry. I'll take care of you. Hi, I'm Troy McClure.

Superintendent Chalmers.

So, sittin' on the bed, eh? Get out, Homer. Look, I married her, but that is as far as we went.

What are you screaming about? Did you discover my snake farm? Cause I can explain. - I'm going to farm and sell snakes. - Maggie's gone! lt must’ve been Moe. He's got your kid. But dont worry. Everything is gonna be okay.

Oh, no. Are you blind? I'm trying, Mother. It's hard. You're failing, Seymour. What is it about you and failure?

Presenting the Homer. I'm ruined! Forbes called it: Overblown, don't you think? What about New Coke?

Get you genuine death masks! Fresh off the corpse! Be the first on your block to give me money! (CHUCKLES SMUGLY) I must show the emperor my Requiem Mass. With Mozart dead, I am, at last, the greatest composer alive!

I'm sure you all heard of the dead letter office. Well, as a souvenir of your visit, you can each help yourself to one piece of undeliverable mail. I'll take you.

I get to tamp the powder! I wouldn't have it any other way. Oh. I wish I had someone to share this with. Edna Krabappel, please report to the principal's arms. Oh, you came! I took a personal day.

It looks like it could gore. It does look like Al Gore. Oh, he smells worse than anything. Hey, you, elephant! Lift me up on your back, man. Whoo! Bart! Cool! He tried to kill me.

The man who raised you and nurtured you.

Uh, burn that seat. These Krusty Brand balloons are three bucks each. But get a cheap one, and what happens? It goes off, takes out the eyeballs of every kid in the room.

Don't make me come down there! Like to see you Fit. Why, you little...!

Oh, chill out, dude. I'll pay the fine. Not this time, you won't. This is your third strike. First, you torched that orphanage, then you blew up that bus full of nuns. Hey, that was self-defense. Well, you'll be seeing lots of nuns where you're going, pal--

Oh, all right. What a-- Burn it! Send it to hell!

Hi, bean sprouts. The name's Howell Huser. I travel the country gawking and talking, and I was hoping to take in your town. We can show you around if you don't mind a heaping helping of local color. Why my favorite color is local. Ooh! Watermelon! Want to plant the seeds?

Hey! Wh-What's going on? Is, uh, there a button or a release for these keys? Oh. You have to push in as you turn. Ah. Yeah, that's it.

Well, mystery solved. Wait a moment.

absolutely, positively necessary.

What makes a man endanger his job and even his life by asking me for money? People like dogs, Mr. Burns. Dogs are idiots. If I came into your house and started sniffing at your crotch and slobbering all over your face what would you say? If you did it, sir?

Kids. But now, I wanna follow in your footsteps. Do you want to change your name to Homer junior? The kids can call you Hoju. I'll get back to you. Come on! Keep it comin'! Over. Over. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Hi, Homer!

Ooh. Hey, hey. Come in! And then take that, and put that in there, and you-- There's your giraffe, little girl. I'm a boy. That's the spirit. Never give up.

So there's no need to lure my dad into the trap I set for him. The trap!

Hmph! Hmph! Now I'm going to burn this doughnut to show you how many calories it has. No!

Homer, is this projection accurate? Did you borrow money from my sisters? I don't know, Marge. I can't be expected to keep track of all my wheelings and dealings. He blew all your savings on jack-o'-lanterns. You told!

Thanks, Funzo. You rock. All righty. It's always a party with Funzo. I admit it's kind of cute. But it'll never take the place of Malibu Stacy. Did you see that?

I really just came home to change into a turtleneck. Seymour, sit! In the morning. Oh, Mom, I'm borrowing your car.

Live, from the Grand Ballroom of the Hapsburg Imperial Palace, it's the World Series of Bumper Cars. More food. Dad, do I have to brush my teeth? No, but at least rinse your mouth out with soda.

Why isn't our low-protein gruel wearing down his resistance like all the others? It doesn't wear down your resistance if you eat a month's supply. He even ate mine. You gonna finish that, bony? Oh, "griven"--

So all her bullying was just to get some attention. No, Dad. Didn't you listen to anything I said? Just to get some attention. Lisa, help! Yes! Yes! I'm gonna--

I'll bet I get blamed for this. But, Aquaman, you cannot marry a woman without gills. You're from two different worlds.

Come with me. He likes you. How dare you destroy my valuable wall and spill my priceless acid? Did you really think you were going to get away with it? - I wasn't-- - Silence! I'm going to give you one more chance-- at a reduced salary.

This is my test subject, Francine. I'd like to thank her parents... for helping with the caging. Let me out of here! I have isolated the chemical which is emitted by every geek, dork and four-eyes. I call it "Poindextrose."

Maybe it's the tear gas. Or maybe this was the best damn prison rodeo ever. How's your back, Homie? I can't complain.

I went to Circus of Values and bought you a ten-gallon tub of gummi bears.

Well, thank you for a lovely time. You're not going home already, are you? It's almost 9:30. Yeah, right. We better turn in.

I thought you said the law was powerless. Yeah, powerless to help you, not punish you.

Wildflowers! We don't have you in Springfield. Hello, Mr. Chipmunk. You're a northern reticulated chipmunk. Yes, you are. You are so reticulated. Hi, Mrs. Owl.

Son, let's forget all about that drug thing. Why don't you just come down and have some taffy? Nice try, Homer. just take one bite. If you're not 100% different-- Ow! Geez, what's the big deal? Look, I'll even eat some. Now-- Hmm?

I'm having chest pains! Where's the defibrillator? Clear! This thing pays for itself. Bart, this is Dr. Kaufman. He's a special kind of talking doctor.

And now to present our final award for Teacher of the Year, Little Richard! I love teachers! In fact, I'm a teacher. I taught Paul McCartney to go "Whoo!" "Purple Rain!" Shut up! Michael Jackson just told me to shut up!

Are you sure you're here voluntarily? Yes. Please make sure he doesn't tell anybody I'm coming. Yes, Dad, I solemnly swear I will not tell another living soul-- No, not even Milhouse. Huh? Hello, Milhouse?

It's called a Flaming... ...Moe! It's called a Flaming Moe. That's right, a Flaming Moe. My name is Moe, and I invented it. What are you looking at, Homer? It's A flaming moe.

Ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay!

Lousy, stinking piece of crap. Gotta change that answering machine tape! Oh, God, I gotta change that tape! Gotta change Maggie! Dear God, we gotta change Maggie!

Let's shut the gate and seal them in! Gun it, Flanders! It won't start. Something's draining the battery. Sorry. Oh!

What are we gonna do, Homer? My kids are gonna be traumatized. And then there's Maude. And then there's Maude! I don't know, Flanders. Having two wives could have its advantages.

You are fully bonded and licensed by the city, aren't you, Mr. Plow? Shut up, boy. So, remember-- Call Mr. Plow that's my name that name again is Mr. Plow Well, john Q. Driveway has our number.

(FUNNY VOICE) I'm here to deliver a package to Marge Simpson. Where's the package? - Damn it! - Homer?

Uh, what kind of gun did you use ? Did you use an accomplice ? Will you plead insanity ? Look at him. His clothes are so drab. His face is so flesh-colored and sad. And his feet, they're so small.

I'm gonna win you back if I have to pistol-whip this guy all night. Pistol-whip? Ooh! Mmm. Mmm. Pistol Whip. Local authorities are confident the killer bees are just curious... and won't bother us if we don't bother them.

Hello, Lisa. Lisa, time for your feed-- Who's cuter now? She started it.

Oh. Maybe you all are homosexuals too. This is horrible.

And nobody's gonna take it away from me. You never had faith in me before, but let me tell you-- the slim, lazy Homer you knew is dead. Now I'm a big, fat dynamo! And where's that cake? - There's no cake. - Oh.

between showgirl and that seamstress. Pipe down!

Good evening there, miss. Here's your giant sub, swimming in vinegar, just the way you like it. It's gonna be $225, plus tip. What? I didn't order any giant sub. Hey, hey! Are you ready to get rowdy? Excuse me?

while all the while they're still going-- Doo doo doo doo doo Doo doo doo doo doo-- Dad, they're firing the rocket!

With pleasure. Homer's a big jerk. Mm-mmm, mm-mmm. Mmm. Whoa. But I can explain. I'm leaving you, Marge. The next time you see my name will be in the hobo obituaries. Don't worry about the kids. I'll drop them off with Patty and Selma. Patty and Selma? Screw that.

now it doesn't work So who won? The losers? No, they lost. Losers. But only by two points.

Homer, I'm so mad at you. I'll bet you blew up the town just to get out of cleaning the garage. (LAUGHING) Everything's coming up Homer. Yeah? Well, the joke's on you, smart guy.

One Chorus line of people dancing till they make us stop two Many dancing people covered with blood, gore and glop

Not so fast. Okay.

I'm sorry, Dad. You're fired!

Do you wanna be held back a grade ? Concentrate, man.

Well, if 70° days in the middle of winter are the price of car pollution, you'll forgive me if I keep my old Pontiac. Y'ello. Hello. This is the Repo Depot. I'm just calling to distract you while we repossess your plow. Oh, yeah? How dumb do you think I-- Oh.

What more could a man ask for? Hi, Homer. Don't kiss me. I'm all stuffed up. Hi, Dad. Hi, son! How are you-- Ew! Dad, look. I made fish sticks. They're burned on the outside, but they're frozen on the inside, so it balances out.

but I used to rock and roll all night and party ev-er-y day. Then it was every other day. Now I'm lucky if I can find half an hour a week in which to get funky.

Jingle bells jingle bells Bart! Why are you doing that?

I wanted to apologize. I don't know exactly what went wrong, but I know it's always my fault.

They've charged us for a call to Brazil. Boy, did you make a prank call to Brazil? No, sir. I didn't. Choke on your lies! I'll teach you to-- Homer, they must've made a mistake.

We are doomed. In your face, Flanders!

Aah ! Oof ! Ow, ow ! Ah ! Doh ! Ah ! Ow ! Ooh ! You think you've got guts, try raising my Kids.

These things happen. Eight dollars. Only three cavities, Bart. Your best checkup ever. I'm going to make you my specialty-- butterscotch chicken. Marge, can you come in here? We need to talk. Ooh.

I feel that illegal performance-enhancing drugs are too common these days. Rebuttal? Let's do it. Oh, uh- Uh, listen, my bulky flower. l have an early day tomorrow. I wasnt asking.

It's... beautiful.

How could you, Barney? After all I've done for you. "Lachrymose is to dyspeptic as ebullient is to--"

Hey. You know what? I could call my ma while I'm up here. Hey, Ma! Get off the dang roof! Yes. And one with extra cheese. - Thank you. - C-Can I use your bathroom?

I knew it ! This happens to me every time.

They called me old-fashioned for teaching "duck and cover" but who's laughing now? 15 seconds to core meltdown. Eeny, meeny, miney, moe. Catch a tiger by the toe. If he hollers, let him go. Eeny, meeny, miney... ...Moe.

Remember, honey, we're disobeying an unjust law here. We're patriots, like all those people in jail.

Oh, please. It was just a figure of speech. You've got to listen to me. Elementary chaos theory tells us that all robots... will eventually turn against their masters and run amok... in an orgy of blood and kicking... and the biting with the metal teeth and the hurting and shoving.

Marge, I, uh-- love you. No, that's not good. Marge, honey, I love you.

This is indeed a disturbing universe. Don't touch anything? I'll touch whatever I feel like!

Shake hands. Stay ! Speak ! All right ! Good boy ! Roll over ! You son of a bitch ! Good show !

No es bueno. Winners don't use drugs. Ehh! Ehh! Ehh! Ehh! Ehh! Ehh! Ehh! Ehh! Aw! I'm outta money. Don't say that out loud. Two Caucasian males out of money in Sector 4.

He left his briefcase. Hey! It's full of shredded newspapers.

which was deactivated over 30 years ago... and, I can only assume, still is. Uh-oh. We didn't reset the safety switch. He's gonna smell like hot dogs. Operator, get me Morningwood Penitentiary. It's an emergency.

Hey, Marge, wasn't that great when the dog came in here? - Oh, yeah! He's really special! - I love that dog. - I love him too. Good night. - Good night.

Come on! Eat the can! Come on!

This should keep you toasty. How about that? It says "Maude." Mmm, I love chenille. Don't you? I don't love it. I don't hate it. Mmm, well, good night, Maude. I mean, Maude. I mean, Rachel! I mean, Maude. Oop!

I'm here to see my Grampa. Here I am, sonny. You're not my grandpa. Ah, come on. Give me a chance. Hey, can your grandfather do this? - Oh! - Bart! Aw, you remembered my birthday.

Not smart. Cool! Hey, When do we get the check for this?

Huh? What? Oh, already? What the hell-- Sorry, lady. I know you. You're Kim "Basin-Jer." It's Basinger. Oh, my God. I'm such a huge, huge fan of yours, Miss "Basin-Jer." Thanks. Um, listen. You think you could slide over a little? Well, I am a married man. You're crushing my husband.

Hey, pal, that's my head shot up there next to the pepper steak, and don't you forget it. You're all talk, Hamill. You never even finished jedi school.

But it takes a very special type of genius to-- All right, Bob. It's over! Come out with your hands up! No! How did they find me?

- Where are you kids ? D-oh ! - Whoops.

Well, nobody makes a sap out of Bartholomew J. Simpson. - Quit it ! - You quit it ! - No. You quit it.

Mmm, not right now, dear. Wow! The TV's coin-operated. And so is the Bible! I'd like to order a wake-up call, please. 3:00 a.m. Uh, for every room except this one.

Jinx! Bart! Oh, I see Bart gets to have a gun. You lied to me! You promised to get rid of this gun. I put it in a safe place, Marge. I mean, what are the odds the boy would look in the vegetable crisper?

Holy Christmas! Your dog's condition has been upgraded from stable to frisky, and he's free to go. His leg should be as good as new in a few months,

A yard's 36! (SCREAMS) (GROANING) Now you tell me. I don't know what they taught you in public school. But at St. Jerome's, we don't tolerate back sass. Stretch out your arms like our Lord on the cross. Now hold these dictionaries.

Oh, I just love it here.

Welcome to the Springfield YMCA. Tonight you can sample all of our classes for free. And if you find one you like, you can pay the membership fee and enroll. I know. We'll never see any of you again. You got that right.

Bart, honey, I think you should go play with Rod and Todd. Oh, man. Why does everything bad have to happen to me?

Sorry I never saw you again. I just felt the cultural differences between us were too great. Plus, as the boat pulled away from the dock, I thought you looked fat. You don't have to apologize, Abe. You Yanks saved our bacon. Mmm! Bacon.

Mmm. I guess we're not going to find anything. Uh, how are we gonna get out of here? We'll dig our way out!

What the-- Maggie, I need to use the phone! Will that girl ever shut up? Okay, Marge, I'll plan everything.

Pierce, that was delicious! Can we help you with the dishes? Marge, what kind of cybertronic ultrobot would I be... if I let those beautiful hands touch dishwater? Oh! No, I'm asking. - Oh. Uh, not a very good one? - Damn straight.

Hey, and a minibar hat! I'm Chiquita Banana and I'm here to say I will eat this Toblerone and I will not pay

Hey, Ralph, wanna come with me and Alison to play anagrams?

Nope. Cubic Diamondium?

Then it's agreed. We ask Frank Gehry to build us a concert hall. Bill, bill, Bilbao, bill... Snoopy stationery! MARGE: Dear Mr. Gehry, would you please build a concert hall for our town?

Bart ! You don't even care ! You don't even care ! All right, Bart ! That's it ! Go to your room now !

Cheer up, honey. We're living an all-natural existence, the kind you like.

Look, do you want a happy God or a vengeful God? Happy God. Then quit flapping your lip.

The Simpsons are going to Africa. Yea! What is it, N'gungo? Evil is coming. - What shall we do, N'gungo? - Uh-- You are N'gungo now.

I'm sure you'll understand. Listen, Aldrin. I'm not as laid-back as people think. Now here's the deal.

Ah, close enough.

You're our president now. But you look like the First Lady of Yawn. What would you change? Eyes, pearls, smile hair points, dress, voice shoes, Swatch watch

It's too late, Bart. My mom's already transferred her 401K. No!

Ah, that kid slays me. That was no accident. Let's get out of here. Na na nah nah Na na nah nah Wa-a-ave Good-bye What good is money if you can't inspire terror in your fellow man?

Now that's your third helping, young man. It's making you fat and soft... and tender.

- Dude, ask a question, or we'll have to go back to class. - Um-- Yeah, you. Uh, yeah. Uh, I was wonderin', do you, uh-- What's your policy on, uh, lunch?

But this is the first time since we've been married... that I've actually feared for our lives. So I'm asking you, if you really care about me and the children, please, please get rid of the gun.

Whoa, all right ! No line ! I AY, caramba ! Okay, Lis, turn on the waterworks, babe. Mommy ! I want my mommy ! Step aside. Come on. Lost kid comin' through. Look out, Fatso.

just bring the rut with ya, honey. Come on. Take a look.

What do you do? What do you do?

Ding-- excellent schools. Dong-- quality hospitals." "When America was born on that hot july day in 1776,

Who should appear but the unrequited love of my college years-- Mimsie Bankcroft. Of course by then, Mimsie had her share of wrinkles... and a gray hair or two, but my adoring eyes saw past those minor imperfections, to her 21-year-old daughter, lily. I took lily to the local "cinematorium,"

Come on. You try it. No. I couldn't. Yeah. Just breathe slowly and squeeze the--

Oh, no! Oh, hey, look, they're sellin' your car, man.

I can't believe it. All my life, I've avoided doing things for myself. But I'm actually enjoying this. Plus I'm making incredible time. Beep-beep! Out of my way! I'm a motorist.

And how come Batman doesn't dance anymore? Remember the Batusi?

No, you were right the first time with that quick fix idea. Let's see-- quick fix, quick fix. I'll buy her that pony she's always bugging me for. We can't afford it. With today's gasoline prices, we can't afford not to. Ridiculous. When I look in Lisa's eyes I don't see love.

And now, Leaning Tower of Pisa, eat your heart out and move over. This is one story that's not on the level!

Don't worry, kids. I know just what to do. jumanji!

Great spiral, Daniel! Man, that hurts. Excuse me. Coming through. Friends of Dan Marino. Okay, Dan, fire away! I'm Dan's manager. This is Dan. - Go long, son. - Yes, sir.

What the-- Great Scott! Don't touch that. That's the alpenhorn Helmut Kohl gave me.

Dad, what did you do?

Oh, my body! Check out the audio commentary. We shot this at 4:00 in the morning, and the crew was getting a little cranky. You can never get enough takes for Steven Soderbergh. Always wants more rehear-- Aaah!

It smells funny in there. No, it doesn't.

speech, religion, the right to a speedy trial. Where? I don't see that. Dad, don't do that! Hmm, hmm. Get out of Archie Bunker's chair now! Relax. I'm just boning up on the old Constitution. Oh, you're gonna regret that, pinko!

No one must know I dropped them in the toilet. Not I, the man who drafted the Paris Peace Accords.

I can hit that one pin all right, but the rest of them don't even wobble. I can help you, Marge. Pick up the ball. Pick up Homer. Pick him up. Oh! Hmm.

Homer, no! Oh, I'm gonna enjoy this. Don't take out my British charm unit. Yep. Without that, I'm nothing but a boorish American clod. Yeah. Ah, thanks a lot, ass-wipe! I could've kicked your butt from here to Albuquerque,

J Love is a battlefields Huh? Huh? Huh? Ow! J At iastJ J Relax Don 't do itJ - pp - Disco Stu should have disco ducked. Ow.

(TIRES SCREECHING)

It's kind of you to deliver these copies of jugs. They'll keep my men from resorting to homosexuality... for about 10 minutes.

No more fooling around. Paw, this is Bart. I wish for Simpsons to be rich and famous. Now you're talking. Yay! Yay! Wahoo! Look, everybody. My purse exploded! Come on, everybody. We're going to the fanciest restaurant in town.

Ah, my Jersey muscle. It's so good to see you. Did you have a nice flight, Johnny Tightlips? I ain't sayin' nothin'. I understand. - How is your mother? - Ooh-wee. Who says I have a mother? Very well. Let's do this thing.

Someday, I want to be an F-14 pilot like my hero, Tom. He lent me this new weapon called a neural disrupter. Hey--

Anybody else? Come on.

He was my heir for a brief period, you know? Yes, sir, I remember. - Mmm. - Mmm. - Anything left? - Uh, only the sour quince log, sir. Dispose of it.

You know, Marge, getting old is a terrible thing. I think the saddest day of my life was when I realized I could beat my dad at most things. And Bart experienced that at the age of four. So, why are you still awake ? I'm still trying to figure out what's bothering Lisa.

just a sec. Hey, is there a Butts here ? Seymour Butts ? Hey, everybody, I want a Seymour Butts ! Ah, wait a minute.

Every miner, forty-niner

Give her this... and this... and then these. Oh, thank you, Doctor. Oh, I'm not a doctor. Come to Homercles! I can't. The beans will burn. Homercles cares not for beans.

- Do you think anyone saw us? - No. It went just as we planned. Except they confiscated my thermos of cola at the door. Ohh-- Skinner! Krabappel!

Maybe you should just stop entirely. Herman, how could you? We've all thought about counterfeiting jeans at one time or another, but what about the victims? Hardworking designers like Calvin Klein, Gloria Vanderbilt, or Antoine Bugle Boy? These are the people who saw an overcrowded marketplace and said, "Me too."

SO, do you like... stuff?

All over America today, viewers were outraged by the Super Bowl Half-time Show's blatant display of religion and decency. You try to raise your kids as secular humanists but these showbiz types keep shoving religion down our throats.

Hey, Homer, have you seen my skateboard? I gave it to Pepi. Who the hell is Pepi? He's my little brother. That's right. You're not the only one who can abuse a nonprofit organization. Who needs you? Tom's a better father than you ever were.

Mr. john, I'm your biggest fan. I've tape-recorded all your songs off the radio. Oh, that's very sweet. Have a Grammy. Uh--

Oh, yeah? Ew! Lisa, honey, if it'll make you feel better, I'll destroy something Bart loves. - Hey! - Don't worry, Son. If that bothers you, I'll destroy something Maggie loves. Dad, you don't understand. This saxophone is like my oldest friend.

You'll see long-lost footage, never-before-seen material from your favorite episodes, old favorites you can't see in syndication. So join me, won't you, for "The Simpsons 138th Episode Spectacular!"

f Homer Screams f f Homer Screams f Now, to spend some quality time away from my family.

Krusty didn't rob that store ! Sideshow Bob framed him, and I got proof ! Ow ! My foot ! You lousy, stupid, clumsy-- See that ? Krusty wore big floppy shoes, but he's got little feet like all good-hearted people !

Your whole life you never said one nice thing to me. That's 'cause you're a screwup! You're the screwup! Why, you little-- All right! All right! That's it! We're goin' home. I'm sick of you and your stupid tonic!

You are at West Springfield Elementary School. West Springfield? I'm at the wrong school! En Français.

I want a crystal bucket for my slop water. Oh, and a brand-new filthy blanket. The cafeteria staff is complaining about the mice in the kitchen. I want to hire a new staff. I'd like to start a jazz program for the music department.

Yuh-oh. What kind of a sick country would kick someone with a giant boot?

I resent you people using that word. That's our word for making fun of you!

My, he certainly took that well. A little too well, if you ask me. I'm sure he's plotting some brilliant scheme to get those puppies. There you go. There you go. You too. Honestly, sir, you just don't put the effort into your schemes that you used to.

Hey, Mr. Smithers! Well, you might as well give me a ride home now. I've never gone behind Mr. Burns's back before. But Sideshow Bob's ultraconservative views-- conflict with my... choice of lifestyle. All I can do is give you one name-- Edgar Neubauer.

While your father and Lisa watch the game it might be fun if we went clothes shopping. Mom, I'd love to, but I don't need new clothes. Oh, really?

- No! No bribes! - Okay, you win. From now on, we'll stick to smuggling heroin. See that you do! At first, I thought prohibition was a good thing. People were drinking more and having a lot more fun. But without beer, prohibition doesn't work. Hey, hi. Can I arrest any of you people for anything?

Uh-- Dad! The chloroform! Huh? Oh, right. I'll give you this bottle of chloroform if you'll take us to the Who. D'oh! Oh, so you wanna see the Who, huh? Well, I'll take you to the Who. Here's your Who! I thought we fired that guard.

Hello, kids. Everything above the board here ? Good. Play friendly, children. Uh-oh, there's your bell. Come along, now, all of you. No dawdling, now. I'll get you after school, man. But-- No, no, no. He'll get you after school, son. - Now hurry up. It's time for class. - But--

"Grow a mustache," says the wife. "You'll look handsome," says the wife.

You make me sick.

Very unprofessional, Phil. Well, Lise, what do you think about the alien now? I think there must be a more logical explanation. I think the people of this town aren't gonna be won over by three seconds of videotape. Uh, I'm happy to answer any questions you have about the alien.

Funzo! Funzo! Funzo! if you don't have Funzo, you're nothin'. Mom, I know what I want for Christmas. Bart, they lied to us. Instead of giving us an education, they tricked us into designing a toy. - Aren't you outraged? - No. But if you're gonna throw a spaz, I'll come with. Good. Saddle up the bikes.

Why, you little-- No, no. Go easy on the wee one. His father's gonna go crazy and chop 'em all into haggis.

Dad! Whoops! Sorry, Son. I didn't know you, jay Leno and a monkey were bathing a clown. Well, they are, so make with the loofah or get out. And then of course, there's Mom,

I'm taking it to strange new places. Number eight. Number eight. Number eight. Number eight. Number eight.

- Colder. Ice cold. - Huh ? Do you know where my keys are ? No. I'm talkin' about your breakfast. Did you try the rumpus room ? Rumpus room ? Great idea. Oh, Dad. Huh ? Doh ! Oh, Homer. Here.

Well, you can have your TV and your nightclubs And you can have your drive-in picture show ANNOUNCER 1: Well, if you ever want to see a mailbox shoot a boy,

Oh, there's something I used...

Mmm. Uh-- Wow. Look at him go. You're the real Lord of the Dance, Homer. Oh! Oh! Bono, help me! Don't worry, folks. He'll get the help he needs.

Honey, do me a favor. Fill out this form. This is an intimate psychological profile. I can't fill this out for you. All right, all right. I'll get Lisa to do it.

Well, at any rate, it is my reluctant decision-- Mr. Skinner, Dr. Pryor is here to see you. - He says it's urgent. - Send him in. Mr. and Mrs. Simpson, this is our district psychiatrist, Dr. j. Loren Pryor. What do we need a psychiatrist for ? We know our kid is nuts.

Look, Cookie. There's a dance tonight. A dance? A dance? Whoo! I'm pooped. I'm going to bed. Bed? All righty. I'll see you tonight.

- Some Indians took all the- - f Homer's Voice] McNuggets. Mmm, McNuggets. f Sia vering f i ii get those no-good indians. .. - fast as sure as my favorite book is- - f Homer's Voice] Magazines. f Homer Snoring f - f Bats Voice] Wake up, Dad. - [Homer's Voice f Huh? What?

- Maude ? - Oh, sure. Not those peanuts. The ones at the bottom. Oh, okay. Ahhh !

Bart and Lisa have to go to school... while I get to stay home. Nyah-nyah-nyah, nyah-nyah-nyah. I like school.

I've gone back to the time... when dinosaurs weren't just confined to zoos!

F.B.I., huh? Uh, excuse me. All right, they're on to us! Get him back to Sea World!

Well, then we'll form our own town. Who will come and live a life devoted to chastity, abstinence... and a flavorless mush I call "rootmarm"?

Oh. Well, uh, can I have my shirts back at least? Okay, you heard the lady. Why don't you take it outside, all right? Uh, I'll be back... pr-probably.

Ha, ha. Nobody gets away from Moe.

Hang on, Linguo. You'll be up and conjugating in no time. My thumb! Quiet, please. Some of us are trying to weld. Almost done. Just lay still.

Man, I don't know why I bought this stupid tape.

Could you open the window? The cops have Daddy's prints on file. Wow! It's magnificent! Now i know how Sir Dudley Winthrop felt...

Many years ago the Spanish explorers discovered their piece of heaven nestled in the Springfield Mountains. They called it Rancho Relaxo and so do we. Today, it's Springfield's only two-star health spa. Swim, play tennis or just sit and stare at the walls.

Okay, love birds, break it up. Hey, this one's alone. Ha! What a loser. (SNIFFS) Oh! Here, you want some chicken? Just grab it with your hands, go ahead. We're not fancy here.

- eh, Fallout Boy? - What's for lunch tomorrow? Next. Chicken necks? We're never going to find-- Wait a minute. That child has the exact qualities we're looking for! He's perfect! What is his name?

That's just the sound of the pelota hitting the fronton. I find it soothing. Thanks for letting us stay with you. Oh, please. It is such an honor to host our favorite family. And you came at an exciting time.

Oh, it's no good. Everything reminds me of Marge.

Play lacrosse with mel Or explore with me. Mmm! No! I dont want to pay for college by throwing a spelling bee. Give in, Lisa. - Get a free ride. - And a hot plate! Free ride. Free ride. Free ride. And a hot plate!

Oh, on the contrary. I have some very exciting news for all of us. This aptitude test we administered this morning... has revealed that the young Bart here is what we call a "gifted child." A what ? Your son is a genius, Mr. Simpson. Bart ? This lunkhead ? Impossible. No, no, we're quite certain. The child is not supposed to know his own IQ, of course,

Mmm-mmm-mmm. Hmm? Mmm! Wow! I'm sorry I doubted you before, Dad. If there has to be a bastardized version of Krusty, I'm glad it's you.

Instead we bring you The Boring World of Niels Bohr.

of MC. Safety and the Caution Crew! Yo, yo, yo! Y'all feeling cautious? J I say a cross, walk A cross-ity walk J J And you dont stop crossin' till you’re on the next blockJ J First you look both ways then you walk not run J J Obeying safety rules is acceptable fun J Break it down now. J Just walk, dont run Drinkjuice, yum-yum J

Hey! Buy a costume or get out, fellas. We gotta find someplace no one will ever go. Hello! Drive faster, Grandma! Grandma's gaining on us! They'll never look for us here.

You know what I did when my sisters' birthdays rolled around? Stiffed them? No. I wrote them a song to show that I cared. I can't write a song. I'm only ten. When I was your age I had six gold records. Hey, Looney Tunes, this is what Michael jackson looks like. You look like a big, fat mental patient.

That wasn't so bad.

This is not good. Aw, nuts. Huh? What? Oh, already?

Notice the identical elongated loops on the D's. Forgery! So he didn't have leprosy. I thought I could never teach again.

The only cure is this anti-poking potion. - Oops! - (GRUNTS) Missed the vein. (GRUNTS) Dang, missed it again. (GRUNTS) Sorry, I'm distracted. My housekeeper is suing me for sexual harassment. She hung the mistletoe. What was I supposed to do?

What on earth possessed you to get an earring? Milhouse has one. If Milhouse jumped off a cliff-- Milhouse jumped off a cliff? I'm there. Get back here, boy. You're a disgrace to this family, and its proud naval tradition. Well, I'm keeping this earring, and you can't stop me! Oh. I always thought Lisa would be the one to get her ears pierced.

Smithers, there's no way I can lose this bet unless, of course, my nine all-stars fall victim to nine separate misfortunes and are unable to play tomorrow.

It's bliss. No!

I make as much as "Malcolm in the Middle,"

Little girl... likes her brain. What's your opinion? Simpson gene. Somebody's gotta set that girl straight, and I know how to do it. Marge, get me your address book,

Well, it's good to see ya. Well, gotta pick up my old man. Bye ! So insincere. I don't know how she puts up with him.

I start you jiggling and measure how long it takes to stop. Whoo-hoo! Look at that blubber fly! Yes.

Brenda! Where's your wealth?

That's your outlaw? I wasn't really gonna kill ya. I was just gonna cut ya. Ah, forget it. Ouch! I better go check on Barney.

or write "Parents' Brains" on a three-by-five card and send it to-- Homer, did you barricade the door? Why? Oh, the zombies. No. Spare my family. Take me. Take me. Hmm? Brains! Brains!

But our bond has never been stronger. Mmm-mm. Yep. Our family is as functional as all get out. Could this be the end of our series... of events?

You watch me. I'll grow something out there. Not if you're plantin' gummy bears. D'oh!

I worked forever on this ! Ooh ! Hey, that got her goin' ! Bitchin' !

I just don't trust that guy. In the Cincinnati-Miami game I declare Cincinnati my 'Shoe-in of the Week.' They both make a good case.

Oh, glory of glories!

the son who puts the fun in Simpson and Son, my son, Barney! I used to be a fat, disgusting slob. That medicine seems to be givin' your son a lot of gas. I assure you his belching is the result of an unrelated alcohol problem.

This isn't an island. It's a peninsula. (DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING) (GASPING) This was supposed to be about trust!

The Soviet Union? I thought you guys broke up.

Mom! Mom, you're stepping on my heels and knocking my shoes off! We can always get more shoes. Move, move, move!

that's right-- nine babies. Some say eight babies is a blessing, but they don't know the joy of nine. Would you say you're on "cloud nine"? We're on cloud nine. Oh, they even have a better sound bite than us. Nine babies? That's barbaric!

Make sure he brushes his teeth, Lisa. Bart, I know you're not wild about having me for a babysitter, but I'm not some ogre. I think you will find me fair and fun. You're dead.

- Whoa, Frank Sinatra! - For me, this is hell. You dig, pally? Ah, ah!

They always have such nice things. Perhaps we should pay them a visit. A deadly visit? Well, let's play it by ear. Well, you're talking 'bout the China Grove, whoa-oh-oh

Hey, thank you. You're too kind. Glad you enjoyed it, but I can't take all the credit. The batter did his part too.

Now, remember, my new boss is coming home for dinner tonight. I know. And I made your favorite-- "stakes!" Hey, would you two close the "dam" door? Bart! But that's where we live. A dam.

Smithers, years ago I blew the chance to buy Picasso's Guernica for a song. Luckily that song was "White Christmas," and by hanging on to it, I made billions. Anyway, I love this hideous thing. Young lady, I'll take it! Congratulations, Homer.

Hmm, let me try a canine-human mind meld. It's an incredibly rare psychic power possessed only by me... and three other clerks at this store. Okay.

Climb it, man! All right! Hey, Ma, I'm on TV! Hey, where's that weather chick? Ooh! This is some wicked party, huh? Hey, have you seen Sully? Get away from here!

Are you sure you want to do this? I can't stop thinking about her. Even these gates remind me of her braces. How are we going to find her? She's wearing a plaid jumper. Milhouse! Samantha!

Ninety-nine cents? I want to buy a copy of Bonestorm. Here's 99 cents. Allow me to summarize the proposed transaction. You wish to purchase Bonestorm for 99 cents. Net profit to me, negative $59.

- Quit your daydreamin', melon-head. - Dad. How come you never gave me any encouragement? Maybe I could've been something more than I am, like a travel agent to a great scientist... or the inventor of a hilarious refrigerator alarm.

Relax. It's only Mojo. Mojo, Marge. Marge, Mojo. He can do anything you show him. Watch. Simpson residence. Why didn't you tell me you were bringing home a filthy monkey?

I don't know. There's something very peculiar about this. Sheesh! You're the most paranoid family I've ever been affiliated with.

The Catholic Church-- we've made a few changes.

I am richer than you.

When Krusty the Clown got canceled-- he tried everything to stay on the air. Here's what you didn't see. If you watch my show, I will send you this book featuring me... in a variety of sexually explicit positions.

Inside my trousers This log It used to be a tree Now it spreads love to you and me Hey, look It's heading out To sea

Couch? No couches either? Oh, man, I need a beer.

ts all my fault my wife got mugged. There you have it, boys. Case closed. Look. This really made me feel vulnerable. I want to know how soon you think youll catch this guy. Dont worry, Marge. I swear to you I'll put my best man on it. - Mmm? - Oh, boy, is this awkward.

Come on, Ginger. Let's go back to Vegas. Yeah. I'm sure there's poker games we can be won in.

I've been everywhere

Ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay! My friend, your jacket, she burns. Then I burn with her. For I would rather die than have people not know what stores I have been to. Yay!

Flanders! Stop that! Eyes bigger than your stomach, eh, wolfie?

What's-a matta, you? You ain't so big. Me and him are gonna whack you in the labonza! Bad grammar overload! Error! Error! What the hell! Linguo... dead?

Ooh! Please, Marge. How often can I see a movie of this caliber on late-night TV?

but the war isn't over. Hello. Hello, Dean. You're a stupid-head! Homer, is that you?

I can't stress enough how easy it was to win this prestigious race. And furthermore-- Hollywood is leading our kids down a moral sewer. Gotta go!

I recorded that for private use. f Maggie Crying f Yourturn. No, it's your turn. i got itl ts okayl Moe? What are you doing here?

(BARKS) (FEEDBACK) (AUDIENCE SPEAKING SPANISH ON TV) Hmm. The TV changes channels - every time the dog barks. (BARKS) ANNOUNCER: We return to Mel Gibson's The Salad of the Christ on Christian Carrot Theater.

Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. This needs more eye of newt. You always want more eye of newt. If it were up to you, the brew would be nothing but newt eyes.

Hey, slow down. I wants to talk to you. Give us 300 pretzels. You see? A little persistence and patience paid off. That'll be $300. Hey, I don't think so. I got me 300 coupons. I should have said, "Limit: One per customer."

Don't you get it? - They're not, though. - Oh? - But you thought they were. - Yeah. That's why it was so funny. Yeah. It's funny. But they're not. That's a good one. And that's the drunk tank. And this is Mommy's desk.

Hello, Helen. Marge. - Edna. - Marge. Uh-- Oh-- Oh, my name is Agnes, and you know it's Agnes! It means lamb. Lamb of God. I'm sorry, Agnes. Marge.

Here-- Hmm. Somebody's traveling light. Nah. Maybe you're getting stronger. Well, I have been eating more. Wave bye-bye to our house, Maggie. Bye-bye, tree.

Okay. Well, I really enjoyed being you, Dr. Hibbert. Oh, by the way, you're not welcome in the library no more. I'm sorry. Now, that wasn't so bad, was it, Bart? You know sometimes the fear of... (STATIC CRACKLING) Whoa. Something's wrong! I can't hear! Doctor, perform a diagnosis!

No. Well, I just wanna make sure. One for Martin, two for Martin. This way, Mr. President. Now boarding on track five, the Afternoon Delight, stopping at Shelbyville-- Mr. Bergstrom ! Hey, Mr. Bergstrom !

You know, I started this show so long ago, the ayatollah only had a goatee. Ha-ha! What's the matter? Don't you people read the papers? Uh, let's look at some clips. "He will not see me stopping here...

Oh, man, that went south quick. I gotta find a bathroom.

Good morning. One doughnut with sprinkles, and-- Wait a minute. These are not sprinkles, sir. What do you mean? You've clearly taken items from the candy rack and placed them... on top of the doughnut in an attempt to pass them off as sprinkles. Well, it was like that when I got here. It really was! A Mounds bar is not a sprinkle.

Very well. Shall I show you to your room, or would you prefer... to be dragged off kicking and screaming? Ooh, kicking and screaming, please. As you wish.

Ah, my plan has come to fruition. Soon I'll be queen of summertime. Oh. King. King!

Five, four, three, two-- All right! Here comes the implosion. "Implosion"? But I thought you said-- Hockey puck! Don Rickles zinged you, Marge.

My precious pool and its lifestyle accoutrements! No! What a drag.

I'll tell you, Bart. But you really should end each transmission with the word "over." - Over. - Correction. The only thing that's over is that transmission.

It's a surprise party for Lenny thrown by his closest friends. So what's Stephen Hawking doing here? (ON VOICE SYNTHESIZER) I live here now. You're looking at the new owner of the Little Caesars down the street. Pizza, pizza. Pizza, pizza. Pizza, pizza. Pizza, pizza. Sorry, that button sticks. So why didn't you invite me?

Let me down, Chief. I'm beggin' ya! I'm a human being. Let me have my dignity back! Ow! - Now he's stupid and whiny. - That does it! There's only one thing I can do.

You will die a terrible, terrible death. Ooh, I'm sorry. That was our last caller. Okay, I'm getting something now. Huh. Okay, you will die a terrible, terrible death.

but I guess I gotta take my medicine. Unless--

Let's march all day and clean latrines all night Don't bust me down Let's re-up tonight

Valencia? These are juice oranges. Howdy, children. I'd like to welcome you back to school. Boo! You know what? I agree. Wha-- Your old school was boring.

Sixty-three. Two. One. Have you been up all night eating cheese? I think I'm blind. Wha--

Huh? I'll regroup at Red Lobster. Die, you--

Sweet bowling alley balloon, you're my only friend. What was that about? Marge, has my life peaked?

They drove a dump truck full of money up to my house.

I like you, sir. Are you still here? Easy. Easy. Hey! Whoo-hoo! Look at me! I can juggle! - Uh, Simpson. - Aaah!

Marge, you don't have to humor me.

i'm unbelievably amused. Soon those bratty buttinskies will be encased in Lucite for all eternity. While we're waiting, here are some names you may call me on our wedding night. Obi-Wan. Iron Man. Mr. Mxyzptlk. And, of course, Big Papa Smurf.

He blows, all right. He blows big-time. That's it, honey. Get into the spirit. Uh, it was good, but not great.

Come on, kiss me. - Oh, Artie. - Please? Really, I mean it. Now stop it! I'm sorry, Marge. Take me home, Artie.

Jewish? Oh, no. I'm not Jewish.

The itchy and Scratchy Show

A bottle? Mrs. Simpson, do you know what a baby's saying when she reaches for a bottle? "Ba-ba?"

Let's see if you can follow this! That's it. J; - Where to, pal? - Moe’s Tavern.

I'm adog! Hear me, accursed brethren! I understand that some of you... are still wearing tattered pants. Please, throw them on the bonfire and embrace your animal essence! Okay, but I'm keeping the tattered vest.

Dad, that's just a plant. Lisa! You will respect your new mother. Now, give her a kiss. Kiss her!

Much smarter than you, Hibbert! You should all do what I say. My I.Q. is 199, for crying out glavin. 198. 197. Big deal. My I.Q. is 280. Stephen Hawking! The world's smartest man!

It would be my pleasure. Vibrate for me, footstool. Loyal subjects, let us drink to Joan of Arc, who will conquer the English... and has already conquered my heart.

Lisa, Burns isn't a vampire. And even if he was, we're not gonna stumble on his secret hiding place. You're probably right. Let's just go back.

as soon as you answer one question about japan. Is the answer "japan"? Actually, it is. That means you move on to the lightning round.

J i justp J Hold goo JJ

Ye-- You know, the-- One thing I should-- - Excuse me for one second. - Of course.

Then I'll have the sweet and sour rice. Oh, very good. Would you like that with, uh, fragrant bee bellies or the cat noses? Neither, thank you. Is there any way we can enhance your dining experience... by hurting an animal? No!

Hey, that's great.

Very well. I promise swift and decisive action against these hibernating hucksters.

Ah, the Miracle Mile, where value wears a neon sombrero... and there's not a single church or library to offend the eye. There it is! The chain that put the "fat" in fat Southern sheriffs!

Ooh, that's a dilly. How about it, Marge? Uh-- Oh, my-diddley-eye! Will you look at this place!

Fine, I'll drop everything I'm doing just for you! But you'll have to live with the guilt of ruining my Saturday. Can you live with that, Marge? Huh? Can ya? - Yup! - Can ya?

End of the line, boys! Look out because of the zooming! If we're late for school, we'll miss our free federal breakfast. Big deal. It's just saltines and fig paste. Eww! Saltines!

Why don't you let me handle it. Oh, a college boy, eh? Homer, let him deliver the baby! Homey, isn't he beautiful? As long as he's got eight fingers and eight toes, he's fine by me. Oh, Bart! Daddy's little angel.

Oh, i am, am I ? Shut up. I wanted them to like me. Hmm. The child seems rattled. Can you blame him ? No. No, I can't. There, there, Mr. Burns. Blow, sir.

That's it. No more autographs. I gotta go. They're naming a new sandwich after me at my restaurant. It's okay, Bart. You can share mine. Quick! Press against me while the ink's still wet. No need. I'm going to get Krusty's autograph the easy way.

- Maybe it's one of them, uh, metaphorical things. - Oh, yeah, yeah. Like, maybe the cabin is the place inside each of us... created by our goodwill and teamwork. Oh! Nah. They said there'd be sandwiches.

Homer, look! Look. A TV Guide owned by jackie O. Oh, you should see the crossword puzzle. She thought that Mindy lived with Mark. Give her a break! Her husband was killed! Oh, I know. Wasn't that awful?

Give me the old stars and stripes. And the main export is furious political thought. Political what ? Trans Albanian Airlines, flight number two, Tirana to Springfield, is now arriving. Welcome to your new home. Escape is impossible. My name is Cesar. This is my nephew, Ugolin. You may find life here at the chateau hard,

Are you hiding something from me? Like what? judging from your song, you're infatuated... with a woman named Mindy or a man named Andy. Lisa, look out behind you! Dad, I'm not gonna fall for that. No, Lisa, I swear to you! I'm 100% completely serious! You've gotta turn around right now before it's too late! - Huh? - Sucker!

Go back. Zoom in. Why is that man in pink?! That's Homer Simpson-- a boob from Sector 7-G.

How else could he have gotten this? Sprungfeld must have taken it with him when he ran off after the fight. Exactly. This celebration is a sham.

That'll teach you to teach me!

Ah, this show ain't no good.

Too cold and sterile. Where's the heart?

The perfect crime. Homer, where have you been all night? I was so worried. Let's go in the other room.

The pay stinks, but-- Oh. Quick! Moe, Marge cut off my thumb! Lisa! Mom, where'd you get that car? I stole it from McBain after I cut off your father's thumb.

We're getting a grinding noise on the track.

Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo! I did it!

Ooh, what was that? It doesn't matter. Let's get some margaritas. I'm buying.

I'm not here to blame anyone. Marge, therapy can be an intense process. Uh-huh. We're going to delve deeply into your subconscious, and we're not going to stop until we've exposed... the root of your fear of flying. Don't worry. This is a private sanctuary,

Not the hair! Back off, you freakin' dweebs. Oh, poor Mark Hamill. That swarm of nerds is gonna kill him. Nerds! Get out of there!

Can I help you?

Hey, hot stuff. I’ve got a competition tomorrow. I could use a good-luck snuggle. I'd rather talk about our feelings. I feel that illegal performance-enhancing drugs are too common these days. Rebuttal?

Here's johnny! D'oh! David Letterman! - Hi, David. I'm Grampa. - D'oh!

Don't just stand there. Bury me. Sire, I know what you usually do to the bearer of bad news, but, well, we're running out of pikes to stick your wives' heads onto. I'll show you running out of pikes! Hey, what do you know? You were right.

But-but-- I wasn't-- And here. Take this with you. Mrs. Krabappel, Bart has something he wants to say to you. I won't say it! Bart!

Ooh. I don't feel so good. Flanders, you gotta help me!

I'm afraid you'll need to declare bankruptcy... several times. Just look at this projection. Marge, your posture looks terrible.

Daddy, ask the man for some candy. No, no. No candy for you. Well, at least get some candy for yourself. Kids. Here's your candy. So long, sucker! Uh, sir. Your life savings.

Oh, I'd love to. I'm getting so sick of these greasy catered meals. You insult me, you insult Italy!

Come on, you stupid-- There.

Selma, my dear, your lock of MacGyver's hair. Ohh. Thank you. I'll add it to the ball. And little Lisa, here's your saxophone. Thank you, and thank you, Dad. You got it back, just like you said you would.

completely tactless and insensitive. Guilty as charged.

Bart, you mean to tell me you read a book intended for preschoolers?

she's my uPtown girl I know that I'm in lovE with an uptown girl I buried Flanders. Shh!

How would you've liked it if someone told you that you couldn't watch the moon landing? Hmm. That's one small step for man. One giant leap for mankind.

Look! The snow's melting! With a little help from our friend, sodium chloride!

Meh. Bro's before ho's. Nelson! I'll see you after class. I'll be there. Will you? (BELL RINGING) Mom, what are you doing here? Did our house burn down? That'd be cool. No. I'm here to have a little girl talk with Mrs. Krabappel. So how are you holding up?

No. No, I heard it on Baywatch. Oh, cool. That's cool. Baywatch. David Hasselhoff, man.

We elected the wrong Carter. Coming up next, an hilarious boat giveaway scam... nets Springfield's dumbest criminals. Sounds like good watchin'.

Hey, Apu, you got any of those potato chips that give you diarrhea? I need to do a little spring cleaning. They're in the safety cabinet. I'll get the key.

What do you want? I came to see the kids. Wait here... and don't steal any light bulbs. Hmm... - Dad! - Dad! Hey, kids. You haven't seen Maggie around, have you? Hmm-mm. Hmm-mm. Oh... Well, I got to go.

Don't worry about the kids. I'll drop them off with Patty and Selma. Patty and Selma? Screw that. Just run the camera, you little-- D-oh! Good-bye, my darling.

And the floor was donated by American SuperBall. Hey, I'm gonna go toss the Virtual Salad. I want to read the Giant Book. I'm gonna try the Sex Education Computer. Come on, Maggie. Let's try and find the Enormous Pendulum. Whoa! Wait there!

Ooh! One of the turkeys fell behind the bed. Mmm. Foot-long chili dog.

Oh, I can't stand it! You are... in grave danger! Aaah! You wrecked Hitler's car. What did he ever do to you?

Y'all ready for this? (UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING) Hey! Hey, hey! Krusty Show T-shirts are made for kids by kids! And we pass the "slavings" on to you! (CHUCKLING) We've got all your favorite characters,

Please, Mother. It's purely in the interest of science. That'll learn him to bust my "tomater."

Look at that! I'm the first non-Brazilian person to travel backwards through time. Correction, Homer. You're the second. That's right, Mr. Peabody. Quiet, you.

Arr! Not a looker among 'em. Full speed ahead! Damn the torpedoes! What'd he say? Put on our tuxedos? I want some taquitos.

Funny. That was delightful. Did you see that? That mouse butchered that cat like a hog! Is all TV this wonderful?

(ALL TALKING INDISTINCTLY) Can you believe that Homer and Marge's marriage is just a sham? All right, I'll order. I'll have a medium pepperoni. And could you space out the meat so that it spells, "Happy birthday, Moe." (SOBBING) Oh, God! I'm alone! (SIREN WAILING) Apu, do you still have Krazy Straws?

I guess you might say he's barking up the wrong Bush. There it is, Homer. The cleverest thing you'll ever say, and nobody heard it. D'oh!

Higher, Marge. Higher! It won't go any.

Sir Scratchy, I accuse you of conducting a Catholic mass! Lord Itchy, I accuse you of not signing the Act of Succession.

As a mother, I love my family. That's why I'm against the "Families Come First" initiative. "Families Come First" will hurt families. And I love my family too much for that. (IMITATING MARGE) I'm Marge Simpson,

Oh, sweetie! Hmm. Oh. Dont worry, Maggie.

jebediah Springfield was-- jebediah was... great.

I regret to inform you that our final stunt will not be performed. Our star acrobat had an onset of outspokenness and suffered a bullet-related death.

No, this is true. The Coast Guard arrested Boy George... for scraping the barnacles off his dinghy. Hi-yo! Hi-yo!

who's growing out of the middle of your back! Uh, Barn, you gotta unwrap the plastic before you smoke these. Yeah, Homer. Way to go, Homer. Homer, you knuckle-beak. I told you a hundred times. You gotta sell your pumpkin futures before Halloween. Before.

Well, you're a little confused. Oh, confused, would we? Okay, gentlemen, I want you to raise your hand when you hear the tone. You can't tell me what to do.

Where the hell are my keys ? Who stole my keys ? Come on. I'm late for work.

Five, six, don't play tricks Seven, eight, clean your plate Nine, ten, start over again!

Anyhoo, the key to fathering is don't overthink, because overthinking is, um-- What were we talking about? Ooh, a clown!

Hmm. Moe's Tavern. Hello. Is Al there? Al? Yeah, Al. Last name Coholic. Let me check. Phone call for Al-- Al Coholic. ...uh, jock Strap. Is I.P. Freely here? Hey, is there a Butts here? Seymour Butts? Uh, Homer Sexual?

Whoa! A talking dog. What were you guys smokin' when you came up with that? We were eating rotisserie chicken. Can you just read the line, please?

Hmm. He seems to be running a little low on ideas. Well, at least you got the gum. Oww! I cut my cheek! Whoa! Whoa!

Rainbows. Tank tops. Empowerment. This is the gay pride parade! Whoo-hoo! We're here! We're queer! Get used to it! You do this every year. We are used to it. Spoilsport.

Hey, give me one of those famous giant beers I've heard so much about. Somethin' wrong, Yank? No. It's pretty big, I guess. I'll just have a cup of coffee. Beer it is. No, I said coffee. - Beer? - Coff-ee.

She's getting impatient. Take a stab at it.

you should know that Julio and l have an active social life. Me too. I'm a member ofthis club where if I eat one more sub sandwich, I get a free sandwich. You probably saw the ad where this guy used to be fat, but now he's just ugly.

I can't believe my mom would cheat. Hi, sweetie. Is Mom winning? Oh, she'll win the contest, but she'll lose her soul. But she'll still win the contest? And lose her soul.

Well, I'm afraid the law is clear. And Dad did renounce all claim to ownership. But I miss him. He was my best friend.

The only thing a loser like me is good for is taking beatings.

Well, I don't know, but all right. Me, go to my office? Well, it's highly irregular, but all right.

Lazy, you're not kidding. Why, I'm like a rug on Valium. I'm talking lazy. So lazy. And Larry and I have so much in common, Marge, way more than you and me. If I could be stranded on an island with anyone, it would definitely be Larry.

Whoa, that's funny! There's only one way my show can compete with this. Book that animal that always chomps on my groin.

Now, why are we doomed to this Quimby quagmire, you ask, O Reasonable Listener? Because this town is under the stranglehold of... a few tie-dyed tree huggers who would rather play hacky sack than lock up the homeless. This sounds awfully controversial. Lisa, you know I don't like controversy in this house.

Ow! Carl, let me die first. I couldn't bear to watch you die. Well, okay, but hurry up.

I'm here about the nanny job. I'll keep a watchful eye on your kids, and if they get out of line-- Pow! I like him. Thanks. Hey, where do you keep the liquor? I hide a bottle of schnapps in the baby's crib. I'm sorry, young man. You're not what we're looking for. You're telling me, you blue-haired witch. I heard that!

Hello, Simpson. I'm riding the bus because Mother hid my car keys... to punish me for talking to a woman on the phone. She was right to do it. Excuse me. Bart's a little upset this morning, so could everyone please be extra-nice to him?

What do we have here? The long flabby arm of the law?

Contact. Remove the chocks, Simpson! Simpson?

Thank you. To inaugurate our ramp system, here's the first of what I hope will be many disabled students, Bart Simpson. I'm proud of you, boy. What the-- Bart, where's your wheelchair? Don't need it anymore. Doctor says my butt bone's stronger than ever.

- Nuh-uh! - Uh-huh! Why, you little- Man, are we evenly matched. Me concur.

You soft-core sophomores took advantage of my trustful nature and sullied the Internet by putting pornography on it!

So meet your comically mismatched roommate, Bart Simpson! I'm gonna make your life a living hell. But, Dad!

Vital organs They are what we're dressed in The family dog is eyeing Bart's intestine Happy Halloween

Let's get-- Huh?

Now don't you fret. When I'm through, he won't set foot in this town again. I can be very, very persuasive. Come on! Leave town! No. - I'll be your friend. - No. Oh, you're mean.

Lisa, don't you ruin another Love Day. For you, Homie. I'm Sir Loves-A-Lot, the bear who loves to love. They didn't have Lord Huggington? It's the same basic bear, Homie. I guess.

(TRUMPETS PLAYING) Look out, Jonah. It's a whale. (ROARING) Jonah! Jonah! Jonah! Yarr!

At a beauty contest She's the kind just couldn't lose She ain't lost one yet Kid, I gotta admit. You're starting to grow on me. Same here, Dad. It's nice that you don't always have to be on.

What the-- D'oh!

We've got to get that film back, or we'll all be fired. You know what I mean? - Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Fired. - Huh? Huh? Huh?

And that's when I got mad. Now, that's religion!

Why bother votin'? He's guilty. Well, we might as well make it official. What does "sequestered" mean? If the jury is deadlocked, they are put in a hotel together... so they can't communicate with the outside world. What does "deadlocked" mean?

Hey, I know you. You’re my mechanic- Junior. Frank Grimes, Jr. Frank... Grimes?

And I want a bike, and a monkey, and a friend for the monkey-- You're not gonna start any fires, are you? At my house, we call 'em "uh-ohs." Hi, fire doggie. Can you do any tricks?

Wow. I'll take that ring. And how will you be paying for it? I don't know. Finally, the big day came. We didn't have much money so we went to a quaint little chapel just across the state line.

I was just chatting with my good friend... Dennis.

Jeepers H. Crackers! I'd better call the reverend. Ned Flanders is on the phone. Hello, Ned.

(COCKS GUN) What you said didn't really add much. (COCKS GUN) I know. I just wanted to belong. (COCKS GUN) Well, we all feel that way sometimes. (COCKS GUN)

Marge? Yes, Homie? That's it! You people have stood in my way long enough! I'm going to clown college!

Hmm. I was busy that night. Stricken, I lurched forth in search of aid. But finding only slack-jawed gawkers, I gave up and collapsed on the sundial. Then, with your last ounce of strength, you pointed to "W" and "S". Waylon Smithers!

Oh! Okay. That's quite enough. It's not funny anymore. D'oh! D'oh! No, no, no! Oh, Homie. Ow. Ooh. Ow. Now do you realize how unsafe the American home is?

He's wonderful. I'm trying to get a refund for this ticket.

Honey, I'm home. Oh, I got wax in my ears. Better clean 'em. Hah? Hah? This goes on for 12 more minutes.

You know those guitars that are, like, double guitars, you know? More rubber stamps.

- Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. - What is this, a joke ?

That's the kind of man I need on my team, Smithers-- A real scrapper. A self-made man, like me. Bring this Grimes fellow to me. I want to make him my executive vice president. Yes, sir.

As long as he's got eight fingers and eight toes, he's fine by me. Oh, Bart! Daddy's little angel. Ah! Why, you little..! He did that on purpose!

Here you go, boys. A little something for page one. Hey, Homer! Isn't this your sister-in-law on a date with Troy McClure? Troy McClure. He's a washed-up movie star.

¡Ay, Ay, Ay! ¡La policÍA!

I'll be a campus hero. Attention, everyone. The punch has been spiked! Don't worry. Your parents have been called and will be here to pick you up shortly! Yea!

Homer, you saved my life, and I'm not gonna forget it. From now on, we'll be partners. Barney, that's great. When two best friends work together, not even God himself can stop them. Oh, no?

Not like those mean old mountains. I hate them so much.

Who are you? We are your business partners, and as such, we are entitled to a percentage of your profits, something in the area of 100%. What are you talking about? We suggest you have a conversation with your husband. You have 24 hours to give us our money.

Hey, I know you. You’re my mechanic- Junior. Frank Grimes, Jr. Frank... Grimes? Dont you remember? Your apelike incompetence drove my father insane.

Oh, no, no, no, no! This isn't right at all! It must be coming toward us at a fantastic speed! Huh? Don't you realize what's happening, Bart? Your comet is gonna collide with the earth and every living thing in its path will be killed!

D'oh! Think unsexy thoughts. Think unsexy thoughts. Well, this is my floor. See you tomorrow! Ah, home to my loving family. What more could a man ask for?

Aw, come on, kid. Quit cryin'. It'll be fun. I promise. Arr! Here be a fine vessel, the yarest river-goin' boat there be.

Okay, boy. Drop the thumb. Nobody's gonna tackle you. D'oh! Come back with my thumb!

Success! It's ringing.

We are your business partners, and as such, we are entitled to a percentage of your profits, something in the area of 100%.

It won't be so bad. You'll die someplace else. Well, what am I supposed to do about friends ?

Wow. Those jackets are beautiful! We must never wear them. (DOORBELL RINGS) (ALL GROWLING) Mr. Alcatraaaz, my name is Lisa Simpson. And this is Principal Skinner. Hi. Would you mind showing us video footage of your last concert? No problem.

This is Hugh jazz.

First pitch of the game. That's a rotator cuff. His career's over. I'm gonna warm up the car. But there's only been one pitch. And it sucked.

So lame that it's... cool?

But when we talk about nuclear energy, we really mean this. But what exactly is nuclear energy ? I don't know, but I know someone who does. Smilin' Joe Fission. Hi, there, energy eaters. I'm Smilin' joe Fission, your atomic tour guide...

Oh, God, Smithers I feel so alive! You the boss? Yes. I'll call Security. Listen, Mr. Big Shot if you're looking for the kind of employee who takes abuse and never sticks up for himself I'm your man! Treat me like dirt--

I think it's full, sir. That's ridiculous! The last tree held nine drums.

or a "Frinkahedron," in honor of its discoverer. Help me! Are you helping me? Or are you going on and on? Oh, right. And, of course, within we find the doomed individual. Enough of your borax, Poindexter! A man's life is at stake! We need action!

Ah, Ethnictown, where hardworking immigrants dream... of becoming lazy, overfed Americans.

Oh! Look at it fly!

"A chance for more mis"-- Look at that fat oaf. Shh! That's Teddy Roosevelt.

Bart, there are students in this class with a chance to do well. Will you stop bothering them ? He's not bothering me, Mrs. Krabappel. I'm finished. May I go outside and read under a tree ? Certainly, Martin.

This is a crank call that backfired and I'd like to bail out right now.

I'm gonna miss you, boy. I thought we were gonna be pals forever.

Lite-Brite-- check. Fog machine-- Even I think this is crazy. Chaka Khan, let me rock you Let me rock you, Chaka Khan Chaka Khan, Chaka Khan Chaka Khan Whisk the egg whites into the batter mixture...

No, no, no, no, no! Ay. ¿DÓnde estÁ mi tequila?

The important thing is that we've pinpointed the precise moment... when you developed your fear of flying. Well, wait. Some other stuff's coming back to me.

we shall release the bees!

I'm telling you, all a man needs is an idea and I've got an idea. Then how come you're still a bum? All right. A man needs two things-- an idea and money to get it off the ground. Hello, what's this?

I love you, Dad!

Hmm. An election. That complicates matters. Set grid coordinates for Bob Dole. Well, night, everybody. Good luck, Mr. Dole.

Okay, the colors of the Italian flag are red, white and what ? Blue ! Yellow ! Green. Black. Green. Green. I was right ! We'll be right back with more Grade School Challenge...

Hey, they're trying to learn for free! Get 'em! Use your phony guns as clubs! Run, children!

Yee-haw! Cut it down! No! Wha-- A g-g-g-girl! I'm not dead-- And neither is my sense of moral outrage. Oh, here we go. Sir, have you no shame?

This air conditioning is better than any truant officer. I'm seeing students I haven't seen in years.

Gettin' your taxes out of the way? No. just mailin' out death certificates... for holiday-related fatalities.

He looks crazy. Agreed. Reading his essay would only waste valuable seconds. Finally, the great taste of Worcestershire Sauce...

Hey, Lise, there was a big train wreck last night. Do you wanna see the victims? Hmm, okay. Yaah! Bart, that's gross! You're right. Let's bury them at sea. Bleah!

Bastard, bastard, bastard Bart ! Bart ! Bart ! Bastard, bastard, bastard "2148." This is it. Excuse me, is this an orphanage ? Ooh, you're a little late, pal. They tore down the orphanage thirty-odd years ago. Thirty years ! I'll never find him.

It was that golden weekend between summer school and regular school. Hey, Homer, want to smoke some marijuana? They say it's a gateway drug. Hmm-- Well, well. If it isn't the Doobie Brothers. Uh-oh. Crotch the weed, man. Smell any drugs, Sergeant Scraps?

Then for a long time, nothing happened. Until tonight. Behold the future of comedy. Poochie! - They fight and bite - and bark

(MARGE HUMMING) Kick it (LOUD MUSIC PLAYING) (WAILING) That's coming from next door! Don't worry, I'll straighten things out with Coach Clay. We're good buddies. We play this game called "Who can punch the softest?"

I'm sorry, Seymour. I can't marry someone who doesn't want to be with me. (SOBBING)

- Ow. - Hee-hee-hee. - Ow. - Hee-hee-hee. - Ow. - Hee-hee-hee. This is a rather lifeless outing.

Ow! It's one way! Ow! Now what was that for? Ow! Ow! Ow!

Presented for your consideration: Springfield-- an average little town... with a not-so-average monster. Happy thoughts. Happy, happy, happy. The people of Springfield have to make sure...

You people are pigs! I personally am gonna spit in every 50th burger. I like those odds. In a moment, we'll look at the courageous Korean gymnast, Kim Huyang, who made a perfect dismount on what was later revealed to be a broken leg.

For one thing, there are too many fat children.

Business? What business? The business of being a dad. Can you hand me that magnet? Sure. (CLANKING) Can you do my back? I guess I'm not meant to own a cat. I'm much happier petting this leaf.

Uh-- Oh-- Oh, my name is Agnes, and you know it's Agnes! It means lamb. Lamb of God. I'm sorry, Agnes. Marge. Do the hustle do the hustle Did you know that disco record sales...

That's how I polished Homer into the perfect-- Homer! No! That's ice! And now--

Well, Lisa, we're out of Egypt. So, what's next for the Israelites? Land of milk and honey? Hmm. Well, actually it looks like we're in for 40 years of wandering the desert. Forty years? But after that, it's clear sailing for the jews, right?

But thanks for looking! Mmm. The living room and dining rooms... with a lovely flow for entertaining. Uh-huh. And-- Oh! Looks like a loose nail.

Aaah! A coconut bagel? Like poison it tastes! All right, I'll tell you a secret. My bagels are nothing but week-old doughnuts. Oh, who am I to point the finger? I once ran over a guy in a parking lot, and dumped the body on a golf course.

Shh! English - US - Line 21

Was that me, or was that you?

where gun violence has destroyed the very earth itself! What is this, open mike night? Hal Now to get me some caveman hookers.

My pills are in that can! Good gravy! I don't kick your things. When you're trying to breathe on the machine, do I go up and kick it? Oh, now look at that. It went down the sewer! You happy? I'm gonna sue now! Now it's time for the lawyers!

Now, which way is north? Aha! It's springtime, so the geese must be flying back north! Hey!

Oh, I am so bored.

Please, children, scooch closer. Don't make me tell you again about the scooching.

"My Dad's Job." "My dad's job takes him to all parts of the community. "He performs a valuable service but is often misunderstood "like a vulture or the flesh-eating maggot." Would anyone like to see Mr. Simpson harvest a soul? Yeah! I would! You said something about a hot meal?

I would automatically get a new one? That's right. No questions asked. (LAUGHS) Boy, I'm really gonna miss you. We've really had some great... Ooh! A Mercedes! DR. HIBBERT: What the Halle Berry?

Yeah. Moe's Tavern. Moe speaking. Is jacques there ? Who ?

Show 'em what American butts are made of, Son. That's it, lad. This is for the Commonwealth of Australia.

Well, I brought this wall from home. Okay. Baldy boy hits wire, head comes off, L'il Bandit rolls to a gentle stop. Everybody wins.

Wait. Santa's Little Helper had puppies before. And then we got him neutered. We did. Homer took him. Didn't you? Yeah... Well... Funny thing about that,

What the-- Hmmm.

(LAUGHING) You know, the fish here are so friendly, you can walk right up and feed them. Hmm. (CHUCKLES) Well, howdy, little feller.

Lookin' for a good time, sailor? I certainly am. No, you're not! He's really not.

He's dead now. Gabbo! Gabbo! Gabbo! - Did you see that? - Yeah. - What's Gabbo? - I figure it's some guy's name. Some guy named Gabbo.

A solar eclipse. The cosmic ballet goes on. Does anyone want to switch seats?

Oh, Krusty! Wait. Where's my water? Oh, there it is. All right. Hello. I'm a real person. And as a real person, I've made some humorous observations about real life. For example, have you ever noticed how there are two phone books,

All right, they're on to us! Get him back to Sea World!

Your visit was a ray of sunshine... on an otherwise cloudy day. Your pal, Captain Lance Murdock. Wow, man. Thanks, Lance.

But then we found out that ABC had a similar project in development... with Annie Potts and jeremy Piven. Who's jeremy Piven? We don't know. But it scared the hell out of us, so we slapped together a cop show instead.

So glue friendly, or I'll take your glue away...

And this is our comic strip department. Who here reads Mary Worth? Let's move on.

Bart, honey, I made you an extra warm sweater you can wear while you're down in the well. Mom, it's too big. You'll grow into it.

Oh, Cletus. Tonight, you can knock me up again.

We got an undercover guy who's infiltrating the mob. Ah, there he is now. Hey, Pete! Pete! They fixed the Coke machine! Now where were we?

It smells like the art teacher's office.

The following is a public service announcement. Excessive alcohol consumption can cause liver damage...

I didn't know you, jay Leno and a monkey were bathing a clown. Well, they are, so make with the loofah or get out. And then of course, there's Mom, who sounds something like this. "Eat your vegetables. Take a sweater.

Bart. You're up early. I couldn't sleep. What's wrong? There was no burglar. No burglar? What does he mean, no burglar? I accidentally burned up the tree... and the presents. I'm really sorry.

Lisa, help! Oh. What's wrong with us? Oh, I don't like the looks of this. You don't? 'Cause that's what I said. Tell her, Bart. Shut up! Shut up! We better check with a doctor.

Muntz, Nelson. You're failing history, geography and math. But you're doing quite well in home ec. Hey, keep it down, man! Simpson-- Lisa. Grades are all I have! What could I be failing? I'm smart and a teacher's pet.

- You're taking this quite well. - I'll kill you! I'll kill all of you! Homer!

Ooh! Please, Marge. How often can I see a movie of this caliber on late-night TV? Is there something wrong, Homie? No. It's just I've only... seen this movie twice before,

God bless those pagans. April first used to be the pagan new year. Blood for Baal! Blood for Baal! Blood for Baal! The Christians changed their calendar and ridiculed those who didn't. - Happy New Year! - Hi-ho, pagans.

The bad news, ladies, is we already have wives. Well, you can't be very happy with them if you married us. You two fellas are the nicest husbands we've ever had-- And we're not giving you up without a fight. But, Ginger, honey, I am not the catch I appear to be.

Featuring the Waylon Smithers Dancers... and the Springfield Baggy Pants Players. And now, a family that doesn't know the meaning of the word "canceled," the Simpsons! Come along and bring the family

What's your problem, sport? Afraid to be rich? Hold your horses. I'll get to ya! F.B.I. You're under arrest for fraud. Mm-hmm.

Try to channel your disappointment into something creative, like a sampler.

Today’s students would rather watch Ozzy Osbourne. "Look at me. I'm a drug addict. Ho, ho, ho." Some of us still enjoy scripted comedy, sir. That's a good girl.

Hey! SÍ. ¡Buenas noches, SeÑoritas! What did he say? What did he say? Was that about me? Okay, Otto. Pressure's on. Don't choke. Don't choke. Don't choke. Don't... choke. Oh, man! I knew I was gonna choke.

And people will suspect the dog. Maybe this wasn't a good idea, Homer. I'm sorry I dragged you out here. Let me pay your bus fare home. Uh, uh, uh. Now here's your biggest problem of all. The filibuster scene? That was jimmy Stewart's favorite. And it was fine for the 1930s.

Bart think I can ever find another one like her? You're asking the wrong guy, Milhouse. They all look alike to me. Now, let's go whip donuts at old people.

It was a good idea, Bart. But it's just not working. just speak from the heart, Seymour. Tell them how we brought a little happiness into each other's lives. Ask them why they're forcing two dedicated people... to choose between their careers and their hearts!

Well, we have one quick stop, and then it's on to Capital City. I can't believe it. Our baby sister in the big city. I'll call you every day. I'll call you too. Look, he can use a horn. Oh, shut up !

This is Kent Brockman... at the scene of a level three rhino alert. Authorities say there's no immediate danger to anyone-- except those three luckless people whom we'll identify... once the rhinos spit out their wallets.

See you in hell, dinner plate. Does anyone know where all my dinner plates went?

Everybody hates birds, right?

Agh! Him again!

A glove slap, baby Glove slap Baby, glove slap Glove slap i don't take crap Glove slap shut your big yap Coming through. Challenge. Duel. Hi, Lenny. How dare you? Demand satisfaction.

tomb polish for some unknown soldier. Hey, he's right. You crooks in Washington-- Put a sock in it, punk! Oh, you can silence me, but you can't silence Collier's magazine. Tell the people! Don't let the government push you around! You have a choice. Fight back!

Now, everyone knows Homer loves his family. I'm sick of your lies! Secrets and lies! It's always secrets and lies! Homer, these people are professional roasters. Don't give them fodder.

Is that the same jack from "jack and the Beanstalk"? You know, Son, I believe it is. And jack Sprat? - Is that him too? - Sure. Why not? Good night. Is he the same as "jack be nimble"...

would turn out to be a dirtbag! You better pay up, Simpson! You’ll regret the day you crossed Dexter Colt! You’ll regret the day you went to the expensive coffee place!

And look at the trick they taught me! (HUMMING) Are you watching? Are you watching? (MOANS)

goldbrickers, layabouts, slugabeds. Little do they realize... their days of suckling at my teat are numbered. Oh, in the meantime, sir, may I suggest a random firing... just to throw the fear of God into them? Very well.

We'll just see about tha-- Uh-oh. Well, maybe he made a mista-- No. It's airtight. Can't let this little doozy get out.

I've never seen them fight like that. I'm worried that all this posturing... and saber rattling could lead to a teachers' strike. Strike, eh? Ow! My bones are so brittle. But I always drink plenty of-- "Malk"? How do you expect us to teach with these supplies?

And now today's guest speaker, the creator of Danger Dog, Geoff Jenkins! Geoff! Geoff! Geoff! Thanks, kids. Next month we'll be airing the Danger Dog Easter Special. Would anyone like to see a sneak preview? Yeah!

Mmm, I don't like the sound of that. What did your mother say? Um, I wasn't 100% clear on that. She said something, but she was kind of in a rush to get Bart to the emergency room. Hmm. So you wanna take the bus, huh? I don't know. That's a pretty big decision.

"Larval stage completed. "Standing by for orders. Experiencing terrible rash. Over."

Now, I told you-- Oh, those cards are from Air force One, and they only give you so many packs.

My bed is stuffed with hay. Bart, you're so funny.

Duff beer For me duff beer For you i'll have A duff you have one too Bart! Lisa! Ahh! Ahh!

There he is. Oh, wait. You said, brown hair, right? Me mind on fire Me soul on fire What a charming neighborhood. Mom, these are slums. The government just painted them bright colors so the tourists wouldn't be offended. Works for me. Yeah. Check out the rats.

If Dad ever reads that book, he's gonna be so humiliated.

Maybe you're a candidate for laser eye surgery.

We got a great big convoy Rocking through the night We got a great big convoy Ain't she a beautiful sight? Convoy Quit it, Dad! Hey, good-looking, we'll be back for some dinner later. What did you say? I can't understand you with all that distortion.

Oh, no problem. Would you take an out-of-state, two-party, bad check? No, I will not pay you $500 for sex. Aw, come on, Marge. You're getting something in return, and I'm getting a bowling team. It's win-win.

Careful. It's hotter than a Fox News weather skank.

Did you really have to handcuff the children? No, ma'am, I did not.

Not guilty! The Teletubbies! (CHEERING) Custard! Custard! Custard!

Simpson, I hate to bother you when you're eating but you're always eating. Will you sign an autograph for my boy? My pleasure. I eat Legos. So did I, son. And look where I am today. Boy, everybody loves my show. It's great, Dad.

Whoo-hoo! Smithers, I'm beginning to think that Homer Simpson... was not the brilliant tactician I thought he was.

I dont want to die!

Now I can't stand in line anymore. Bart Simpson, creative genius? What's it to ya? I'm from the Internet. We'd like to turn Angry Dad into an animated series. Wow! Angry Dad-- an Internet cartoon. I'll be in cyberspace next to the Nabisco Cookie Web site!

We'll have to reorder every book. Seymour, I'll bet you those books are still here. We have to search every locker. Locker searches aren't permitted by the Supreme Court. Supreme Court. What have they done for us lately? Let's move.

Cut it out, Bart! What the-- Ooh, I wonder if her skills will transfer over to the game of hockey. Well, only one way to be sure. Heads up, little girl! The goalie of my dreams!

How come it won't stop hurting? Oh, Lisa, it's normal to be sad when a friend dies, and Bleeding Gums was a good friend to you. But nobody is really gone as long as we remember them. Lisa, honey, if you really want to preserve his memory, I recommend getting a tattoo. It preserves the things you love.

Mmm. Look. Plump succulent sausage, honey-smoked bacon and glistening, sizzling--

Okay, we're all locked up now. Yeah. You big idiot. Excellent. I guess I'll just be swiping your car now. What? Oh, and this lovely bag of cash. So long, suckers! Woo-hoo!

I am announcing the formation of a blue-ribbon committee. A committee? Did he say "blue-ribbon"? Committees don't get any better than that. Man, am I appeased. So, uh, can we keep the stuff we stole? I think that's implied.

By all medical logic, steam should be shooting out of his ears. His ears if we're lucky! Well, Chief, don't quit your day job. Whatever that is. TouchÉ, Homer.

Help! What do I do? Play dead! No, run around in circles! No, act like a lion! Swipe at the dominant male! Come on, Ned! Knock that monkey down!

Nope. It couldn't be simpler. Kids write down what they want, put their money in the can, and I take the bus to the supermarket and bring the snacks the next day. Huh? (GROANS) Is that a yes? Kids want a snack that skateboards, won't clean his room, and hates homework.

Now, my little hypno-assassin, your cue to attack will be when Krusty says, "I've never had such a great audience." You will run up and hug him, blowing each of you to smithereens. Whatever. Now we're gonna show you some clips from--

Get down. Get down.

What the hell is this? It's classic mirth-making, is what it is.

and we're really glad you're home. I love you guys. Right back at ya, Son.

Ach. She's a bonny pile. Now for a wee nip and a wee nap. - Ready, Milhouse? - Ready.

sneaking down the alley way... Hey, where's joey? Mrs. Krabappel I really need my drumsticks. Come and get 'em! You're going to be a rich man, Moe. The way we usually work is to steal the recipe and run the inventor out of business.

I know you can't understand me but you're a lousy dog and I hate you. Not now. Can't you see I'm reading a third-rate biography of Copernicus I found at the bus station? Dumb dog.

Yea! Shut up, liver!

I was thinking of something a little more... adult. Oh, Marge! And then afterwards-- Really? With butterscotch on it? I think you misheard me.

And I ain't talking about stamp collecting. Though, I do find that extremely interesting. Oh, yeah? Well, that makes two of us. You know, boys, there is an old saying down on the bayou that, uh-- Whee!

And pointed right towards center field This time I'm hittin' a home run This time love is for real Hey, Dad, can I do a hambone solo?

Here you go, boy. Soup's on. Whoa! Hmm? Hmm? Hmm? Hey, if you're out here, then who's in there? Whoa, a badger! Sorry, man. You can't crash here.

If we're late for school, we'll miss our free federal breakfast. Big deal. It's just saltines and fig paste. Eww! Saltines!

Congratulations, it's a boy. Arr. You're truly the catch of the day. It's wonderful. It's magical. Oh, boy, here it comes, another mouth. One more push should do it.

Look! Up there! It's Lisa! And she's winning us back!

Now, Homer, we don't actually crack backs. It's merely an adjustment. Okay, you're gonna hear a loud cracking sound. There we go. Hey. It feels a little better. Mm-hmm. I thought it might. Now, I'll need to see you three times a week for, uh, many years.

He knows how to work a light switch. Oh, yeah, right. I don't know what this switch does. This is really good, Marge.

Come on out, boy! It's windy! Wow! You're right, Dad. It is windy!

None of us find you sexually attractive. None of you? Really? I could've sworn that Ramrod-- Hmm. Did you see that picture of me in-- And you still don't-- Sorry. Hmm. Well, good, I guess.

Put it all on 41. I've got a feeling about that number. - The wheel only goes to 36, sir. - Okay, put it all on 36 ! I've got a feeling about that number. Dad, no ! Give me that ! Give me that money !

I just torched a building downtown and I'm afraid I'll do it again! Yeah, right. I'll just type it up on my invisible typewriter. Fruitcake.

I'm just gonna die lonely and ugly and... dead. - Well, hello, Mary Sunshine. - Huh? Aw, cheer up. Here, have a flower. All right, come on. What's the catch? A gorgeous woman don't just hand you a free "daffy-dil." Really? You think I'm gorgeous? Yeah, well, the part that's showing.

Homer, we're picking up cell-phone calls over the baby monitor. Ooh! Anything spicy? Oh, that's not the point. We should report this to an Omnitouch care rep. People's privacy is at stake. Great. I'm gonna eat mayonnaise.

Oh, she was a sport. We've had lots and lots and lots and lots and lots of fun but now the time has come... To go if this old clown was found dead in his bed tomorrow I'd be in heaven still doing this show.

Quiet. Her muscular ears can hear us. So then I pop my delts, clench, and bam... not a dry eye in the house. Oh, I'm so proud of you, honey. You bulked up but managed to keep your femininity.

Whoo! Wa-ho! So!

His name's like my name! Ooh! I don't get it, Homer. You're a millionaire, and you've got all the babes you want. Why aren't you living it up in your palace in Europe? Well, let's just say I... hate crime.

I get me brain medicines from the National Health.

Must monitor core. Hello? I called to say I love you. Thanks. When is she going to stop loving me? I heard Milli Vanilli was arrested for impersonating a McNugget.

You've never heard Garrison Keillor... till you've heard him through five speakers. Aw, phoo.

If you have a consumer complaint, just call this number. Boring. Dad, you should blow the whistle on the Kwik-E-Mart. And now a message from the Church of Latter-day Saints. Dad, are you listening to me? Shh! Lisa! The dog is barking.

Now I'll ruin you like a japanese banquet. I'll take your head and-- Gorbachev? What-- What are you doing here? I just dropped by with present for warming of house. Instead find you grappling with local oaf. Oh, brought some of your commie friends to help you fight dirty, eh?

And find that dog. Yes, sir.

Ew. Hey, we haven't watched TV in a while. Tonight, Eye on Springfield takes a look... at the secret affairs of Kennedy, Eisenhower, Bush and Clinton. Did fooling around on their wives make them great? We'll find out next when we play "Hail to the Cheat."

- So maybe a part-time Job is the answer. - I couldn't ask you to do that. You're already taking care of Maggie, and Lisa is such a handful.

Whew. Will I ever see you again? Sure, baby. Next meltdown. Heh.

Hey, kid, get your finger out of there.

I was wondering if you had a power sander I could borrow. Homer? Nope. That's one right there. All right. But, remember, it's mine.

And we need young smokers to take their place. I don't wanna be a spokesperson for a cigarette company! But you're a role model to young people. And we're thinking of retiring Menthol Moose.

- Bart ? Bart ? We're home, son. - Huh ? Dad, I wanna be a daredevil. Kids say such stupid things. You're crazy, Bart. You're never gonna make it.

Bart, wait. Yeah? Uh... could we still use your tree house? What? Get bent. If her father catches us, he'll kill her. All right, Milhouse. You can use my tree house. Thanks, Bart.

Can I sit on the roof with a baseball bat, in case a U.F.O. does come? Yes, yes, yes. That's fine. Good. Good. I hope you kept the Homie fires burning.

It's the Krusty Burglar! Oh, my God! He's stealing all the burgers! Why, you little-- I got you! Ho-- Homer, it's-- it's all just an act. Stop! Stop! He's already dead!

And then I want a Goop Monster. And then I want a great big, giant-- Aw, son, you don't need all that junk. I'm sure you've already got something much more important-- a decent home and a loving father who would do anything for you. Hey, I couldn't afford lunch. Give me a bite of that donut.

from a Bavarian cream puff to a mass of twitching muscles?

Yeah. ' ' He bit mel You saw him! He bit mel You little-

Hmm. Nah. What the hell's this? Melvin and the Squirrels. Part of the rodent invasion of the early '60s. Stuck a feather in his cap and called it-- Rice-A-Roni Melvin!

Maybe not today. Maybe not tomorrow. But someday. Later that day, we set sail for America.

(LAUGHS INSANELY) And that's the life of Mozart. Thank God he died young. I've gotta get dinner on the stove. Mom, that sounds a lot like the movie Amadeus which was historically inaccurate. Mozart worked hard on his music. Salieri was a respected composer.

Lise, why did you do it? Come on, Bart! In your pre-fascist days you knew the thrill of futile rebellion. Yeah, but even I had my limits. You're looking at expulsion for this. I know! I know!

Fire a weapon at your television screen, pick a fight with someone weaker than you... or write a threatening letter to a celebrity.

I was here first! Get out of my way! Achtung, babies! Curfew is in effect! Return to your homes immediately.

Barton Fink! Barton Fink! Barton Fink!

I smell smoke. Without the talking stick, we don't hear you. I smell smoke. Aaah! I see you Braves received our smoke signal. Wow. Neat-o. Awesome. Oh, no. The Pawnee have returned. They probably want their souls back.

The box. The box! Burns, this is a big problem. You just can't throw money at it and make it go away.

She should be ashamed. That's disgusting. Dont look, Seymour. - I'm a veteran, Mother. - A veteran bed wetter. Mother! Sara, I hate to say it, but your top's upstaging the pops. Fine. I'll wear your stupid jacket.

Mr. Simpson ? What is it ? I couldn't help overhearing about your newfound fortune, and let me assure you that, here at the Springfield Retirement Castle, money does make a difference. Huh ? I mean there are rubdowns, and then there are rubdowns.

Ah, he's all right. But he's no bowl of Special "K."

Oh, my God! What's happening now? We work hard. We play hard.

Well, everyone, the fact is, I haven't ever had relations. I am a virgin. Ha-ha!

I want my mommy. I captured a wee girl!

Okay. Why don't you-- Hello. I'd like to speak with a Mr. Snotball, first name "YOura." Youra Snotball? What? How dare you! If I find out who this is, I'll staple a flag to your butt and mail you to Iran!

Ow. i can't breathe. Please stop him. Oh, I'd like to, but I'm afraid he has diplomatic immunity.

Check. Half a gallon of chocolate, chocolate, chocolate chip. Did your mom really write that shopping list ? - Grampa, what a question. - What's next, Lis ? - Sprinkles and syrups. - Hey, Grampa. Aisle six and step on it. All right, but put out that cigar. He drinks out of the carton. He never changes the baby.

and, uh, I think I know how a proton accelerator works. Well, please come down and show us. All right. I will. - In there, guys. - Thanks, Homer. Homer, no one blames you for the accident. We simply feel you might benefit with a little outside tutoring.

All right. This is dedicated to Bart Simpson, with a message: "I am coming to kill you slowly and painfully." Wipeout.

Swing Serenade is brought to you by Gorman's ear guards. Guard your ears! With Gorman's.

Whoa! Wow. Hello?

There's only enough room on the truck for this one. We'll get the other one later. Hey! This piece of junk is finally doing something. Oh, man, this is heavy! You should lift with your legs. Yeah, aw, screw it. I got health insurance. Oh!

You sure it's okay to smoke Cuban cigars and gamble here... now that your wife's a cop? Are you kidding? Being a cop husband is one mighty sweet deal. This police radio entertains me with other people's miseries, we get a free funeral for Marge-- God forbid-- and I can run background checks on whomever I want, Moammar.

¡Ay, chihuahua! As you can see, Simpson, I have taken over all 78 channels, and you won't see any of your favorite shows again until you give in! Whoa! That bites. Holy crap! What's that you say? You can live without television... as long as you have beer?

That's okay. You don't have to make her into some kind of superwoman. If she can get on the plane, that's plenty. Thank you, Doctor. Whenever the wind whistles through the leaves, I'll think Lowenstein. Lowenstein. My name is Zweig. Lowenstein.

will be socially maladjusted... and will harbor a deep resentment towards me. Hmm, interesting.

Sorry I asked. Aw, crap! Here they come! Well, that's it, Homer. We should've known better than to match wits with studio executives. Hey, come on. Turn that Down Under frown upside down! We're not finished yet!

Hey, what are you doing? This is a pretzel town, pretty boy.

Uh-oh, school bus ! Cool your jets, man. We're comin'. You forgot the special lunches I made. That's okay, Mom ! We got money ! Now, just a darn-- Aah ! Mmm.

I guess this makes us yuppies, huh, Homie? Nah. I'm really more of a slacker.

Consarn it! I guess I am an old crank. But what am I gonna do about it? One sip and I'm totally hip!

This parole hearing is over. I wanted to know what he was like in prison.

And we can't watch Fox, 'cause they own those chemical weapon plants in Syria.

not gonna teach forever Gonna give showbiz A try Try

Later, grizzly dudes.

D'oh! Son of a-- You stupid stair! Uh! Ooh! How long have we had these fish? Wait. The bear-- Burns's bear.

I-i thought that was the whole point of this journey. Absolutely not! I tell you, I won't live in a town... that robs men of the right to marry their cousins! Well, then we'll form our own town. Who will come and live a life devoted to chastity, abstinence... and a flavorless mush I call "rootmarm"?

Ah, please come in!

"Though I'll be inoculating babies in Kampuchea my heart is with you." That sucks. How about "Crocodiles bit off my face"? That's disgusting, and besides when a woman loves a man, that wouldn't matter.

I personally am gonna spit in every 50th burger. I like those odds. In a moment, we'll look at the courageous Korean gymnast, Kim Huyang, who made a perfect dismount on what was later revealed to be a broken leg.

Cloves, Tom Collins mix, frozen pie crust-- Mmm! Maybe Mom just doesn't realize we miss her. We could go down to the casino and let her know. Aw, come on, Lisa. There's no reason to-- Let's go see Mom.

It's not up to us to choose which laws we want to obey. If it were, I'd kill everyone who looked at me cockeyed! Our laws are in place for a reason. Send him back to Mama, boys. That was unexpected. Well, reset the catapult, and let's get this over with.

Oh, my god! Look at the--

My head. The remorse of the sugar junkie. I don't remember anything.

Hi, Apu. Oh, dear. You have ruined my work, you flying fat man.

I don't think adults have ever actually sat down and watched them before. Aaah ! Aah ! What kind of warped human being would find that funny ?

just happy to be here among good, average people... with no particular hopes or dreams. But, Mr. President, we're not all good people. There's one little boy you should watch out for. He's a bad, bad little boy. Now, Todd, don't scare the president.

Boy, I'd like to live in one of those!

I felt so left out. Kids can be so cruel. We can? Thanks, Mom! Ow! Cut it out, Bart! I'd give anything to get into the Stonecutters. What do they do there, Dad? I'm a member. What do they do? What don't they do?

Mom? Lisa, the contest isn't for three hours. I'm too excited to sleep. Anyone up for the Winifred Beecher Howe Memorial? - Who's that? - An early crusader for women's rights. She led the Floor Mop Rebellion of 1910.

Uh... okay. just don't say anything, and sit down over there. Over. Over. Over. Over. Lisa, I can't hear the announcer. He said Denver fumbled. D'Oh!

(BOTH SCREAMING) For details, log onto peta.org.

No, it's true. You know, when I was a boy, I really wanted a catcher's mitt, but my dad wouldn't get it for me. So I held my breath until I passed out and banged my head on the coffee table. The doctor thought I might have brain damage. Dad, what's the point of this story? I like stories.

Oh! Finally, a character I can relate to. I bet good things happen to him. But, honey, with recent troubles in the Mideast and other ominous signs, the Rapture could soon be upon us. The Rapture? Easy there, Helen. Science has shown religion is just an old wives' tale.

Ow! Those gears down there really hurt. You're out there somewhere, Beer Baron, and I'll find you. No, you won't. Yes, I will.

See, Mom? You conquered your fears and now you're ready to-- I'm sorry! Hmm. The Widowmaker. No, that one's for the ladies.

I didn't think it was physically possible, but this both sucks and blows.

A turkey is a bad person.

I guess this is the end, Wendell. He's Wendell. I'm Lewis. Whatever. just tell Wendell I said bye.

Now wait just a minute. I used to worry Marge was too good for me. She was always thinking of ways to improve me. But then part of her died... and she doesnt try anymore. So we're all where we want to be.

Not a chance. No one can silence me but me! That arranged can be. Wha-- Aaah!

Well, they'll-- When they find him, they'll, um-- Excuse me, you didn't answer me. You just trailed off. Yeah. Yeah, I did kinda... trail off there, didn't I?

Then I hit you with pies for five minutes. Got that? "I am waiting for a bus." Makes me laugh. Let's go. I am waiting for a-- Whoa! Ooh!

Um, I think we'll use someone different for the hair. - How about me? - There's something not quite-- How 'bout me? How 'bout me? You all have hideous hair! I mean, from a design point of view. - Oh, well, if you put it that way. - Oh, well.

Yeah. Next you'll be laying a guilt-trip on me for not oiling that Ferris wheel.

Sheriff Lowbrow. Home improvement. But we never saw people like us on TV. TV families were always hugging and tackling issues. Homer kept saying he could do a more realistic family show. Finally, I said, "So do it. Either or get off the pot."

...and dip it in rich creamery butter.

Whoo-hoo! Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo! Whaa-ha-ha-ho! Take that, Maynard G. Krebs!

If you wanted him that badly, why didn't you just say so? Smithers, dismember the corpse and send his widow a corsage.

Nothing is going to happen, Mom! I hate to disappoint you, but the world is not coming to an end.

Hello, children. Whom do you love ? Sideshow Bob ! Come on, Bart. Go with the flow. How much do you love me ? With all our hearts ! About a zillionth as much as I love Krusty. Today's show promises to be a marvelous celebration of the human spirit.

Oh, it's you. What are you so happy about? I see. Yes. That's the one. Smithers had thwarted my earlier attempt to take candy from a baby. But with him out of the picture, I was free to wallow in my own crapulence.

Oh. And you, Dad. I am the thing from Uranus! Oh, it's Bart. I can't believe it. I'm being mocked by my own children on my birthday. It's your birthday?

Oh, don't make me choose. Shankar, Shankar-- Oh, here we go. Oh! Sorry. You Make me feel so young you make me feel so Spring has sprung

Hmm. Your penciling is sub-Ziggy... and the main character is off-model in every frame. However, I deem this rack-worthy. Wow! I made it! My week-long dream has come true.

I wish they taught shopping in school! Ohh. Let's bake some cookies for the boys! Come on, Stacy. I've waited my whole life to hear you speak. Don't you have anything relevant to say? Don't ask me. I'm just a girl!

Thanks, Mom. And now you can go back to just being you... instead of a one-dimensional character with a silly catchphrase. D'oh! ¡Ay, caramba! Hidilly-ho! Ha-ha! Excellent.

Yeah! Whoo! You idiot. Dr. Winslow was only going to die in a dream. Wha-- Pink pages always mean a dream. I thought dreams was on goldenrod. No, goldenrod is for coma fantasies. I see. So, uh, what time tomorrow?

As you know, it's been my lifelong dream to become a blackjack dealer. Your lifelong dream was to be a contestant on The Gong Show. And you did it in 1977. Remember?

Huh? Uh-oh. It's seeping in. Stupid, cheap weather stripping!

To the most beautiful moment in life. Better than the deed, better than the memory-- the moment of anticipation.

If it's okay with you, Mom, I'd rather go find some kids. Oh. Okay. You'll be my friend. I'm never, never gonna let you get away.

Hey. Aaah! Lisa, look out! A skeleton! Aah!

I sure appreciate you folks offering to go through Maude's things. If it were up to me, I wouldn't throw anything away. Oh, don't you worry. We'll make all the hard decisions so you don't have to. We can take whatever we want, right? Ye-- What? Don't listen to him. You just have a good time at the eye doctor. Always do!

Springfield's beloved Plow King... is trapped.

Ohh! Stop! Wait! Wait! Attendez! I cannot get the lid off my jar of rainbows! Who will help me? You, sir? But I cannot help you.

you know. I'm not dying. Yeah, that's the spirit. Keep fighting. Where's my chai latte?

That's not how you "vwing." We're doomed. Doomed. Oh, God. Can't this town go one day without a riot?

Hey, how you doing? Welcome to scenic Waynesport. And remember your visit with a googly-eyed walnut. How about a googly-eyed rock? Some nice local squash candy? A stressed-out Pepsi bottle? Come on. If this stuff is too nice for you, I've got some crap.

"Truly, yours is a butt that won't quit.

You have reached the office of Homer Simpson. If you are calling about the water bed, please leave a detailed message. If you need-- Get back to work! You buy it! You buy it!

HOMER: Oh, yeah, Marge? What about my womanly needs? (HOMER WAILING) (TIRES SCREECHING) (HONKING) Slowly, slowly. The RV dealer is across town under that gorilla blimp.

Let's let him go. Yeah! Oh, sorry, folks. Gee, I really hate to spoil this little love-in, but Mr. Malloy broke the law. And when you break the law, you gotta go to jail. That reminds me. Here's your monthly kickback. You just-- You couldn't have picked a worse time.

Simpson, we got a problem. The jazz pianist didn't show up. What am I supposed to do?

You'll be preserved in this Mylar pouch, forever remaining in... near-mint condition between Doctor Who and, of course, Yasmine Bleeth. i don't think so.

Those kids are, like, so sweet. If only they had had peewee hockey when I was a lad.

I don't like the looks of those teenagers. Could this record-breaking heat wave be the result of the dreaded greenhouse effect?

Oh, the glue will slow me down.

Oh, there's nothing more exciting than science. You get all the fun of sitting still, being quiet,

By the time he's done eating, he's too full and tired to care what I have to say. Wow, that's great! When Carl comes over, I'll stuff him till he don't know what's what. Seymour, I'm getting tired. Tell them we're going next. Well, I'm not principal of the line, Mother. And you never will be.

It's a two-party system. You have to vote for one of us. He's right. This is a two-party system. Well, I believe I'll vote for a third-party candidate. Go ahead. Throw your vote away.

Stroke! Stroke!

- It is ? - Uh-huh. Okay. We'll be back with help before you know it. You girls just stay here and relax. Remember, the handle of the Big Dipper points to the North Star. That's nice, Lisa, but we're not in astronomy class. We're in the woods.

Well, Stuart, I'm making a dessert that looks like a hotdog but it isn't. You're making a tasty fake? (CHUCKLES) That is so '90s. Why don't we all move to Seattle and use slow modems? (ALL LAUGH)

There's blood everywhere. I just talked to her.

That's a wonderful thing you did for my sisters. I didn't do it for them. I did it for you, Marge. I'd kill for you. - Please ask me to kill for you. - No, Homie.

Okay, guys. Let's move!

Huh? I never looked behind this whatchamacallit case before. Huh? That's weird. It's like something out of that twilight-y show about that zone.

Hi. I'm Homer S. Hi, Homer! Hi. It seems to me if a gun can protect something as important as a bar, it's good enough to protect my family. So if you'll have me, I would like to become...

(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING) (PEOPLE CHEERING) (ALL CHEERING) I don't understand. After all the corruption and deceit we witnessed,

I did it! I supercharged my riding mower!

There's the truth, and the truth!

By Lucifer's beard!

Wait a minute now! Guess what. I'm dying- with the basting... and the Butterballing, and the chestnut stuffing in my puplkl Gobble-gobble-gobble! Death. Homie, something very creepy is going on here.

Hmm. Mm-hmm. Hey, give me some of that! Mom! Bart sprayed whipped cream in my eye! I did not. Kids, cut it out!

From the mightiest pharaoh to the lowliest peasant, who doesn't enjoy a good sit? Oh, man, you are so right. Did you ever sit like this? Yes, yes, that's it. Oh, I could go for one of those right now.

8:58. First time I've ever been early for work-- except for all those daylight savings days. Lousy farmers. "To start, press any key." Where's the "Any" key?

Hello, Mother? Maggie? Seymour, you were supposed to call me three minutes ago. Ooh! Sorry, Mother. I was driving through a tunnel, and my cell phone wouldn't work. I don't want you driving through tunnels! You know what that symbolizes! But, Mother, it cuts 90 minutes off my drive. No tunnels!

He says what we're all thinking. I'm not thinking that. Hey, Swiss miss. There's no missin' you, babe. Lay off the cocoa.

Oh, Mr. Burns. You were too beautiful for this world. Oh, man. Oh, man. We killed Mr. Burns! Mr. Burns is gonna be so mad! - The investors meeting is in 20 minutes! - So what? - Mr. Burns is dead! - We can carry on.

In fact, we almost had a scuffle earlier today at the weigh-in. I understand you have a special motivation going into this bout. Yeah, I wanna dedicate this fight to my manager Vinnie... who got me here and then... passed away just two weeks ago. Any response to that ?

Brains! Brains! Brains! Brains!

- Dad, don't you want to know where we're going ? - No. Discount Lion Safari !

Ah, a piece a crap. Come on. You're here to make friends. Oh, please. If I wanted to hear mindless droning, I'd befriend an air conditioner. Oh, now he's ragging on air conditioners. Hey, they keep us cool in the summer, pal. Get him! And stay out!

Jay Simpson! It's so beautiful. What a magical gift for my mother to leave me. She also left her old poncho. Get off of there, Ginsberg! I'll treasure this poncho forever. Mwah.

Sarge, we keep getting orders to let the virus win. Must be a school day. Lay down your arms. All right! Let's make some pus.

My advice is to ride it out, make an occasional smart-aleck quip, and by next week, we'll be back to where we started from, ready for another wacky adventure. - ¡Ay, caramba! - That's the spirit.

No! Oh, God! - Well, I guess no one can. - Run, before they're through feeding!

What do we want ? Substantially less violence in children's programming ! When do we want it ? Now !

We wish a happy birthday to Karen. And congratulations to Marge and Homer Simpson on their reconciliation dinner. I'm sorry I'm late. The Velvet Mafia made me a margarita I couldnt refuse. Good-bye, Homer. I tried to save our marriage... and you just get drunk and spend the whole night with your homosexual boyfriends.

I always wondered if there was a God, and now I know. There is, and it's me. You're not a god, Homer.

If I hadn't surrounded myself with those spineless yes-men.

Homer, would it spoil the mood if I called home, you know, just to check on the kids ?

Same old space, huh, Dad? Yep, but they gave me these roller blades... so I can glide to the front door. Whoop. Oh. Whoa. Whoa. Sweet.

Yea! Yeah-- Ooh! He can't talk now.

It all comes down to this one play. If Washington scores, happy fans will be looting and turning over cars in our nation's capital tonight. Please, please, please. Touchdown! It is done. The Washington Redskins win Super Bowl 26! You love Dad. I suspected as much.

Are we gonna die, son? Yeah. But at least we'll take a lot of innocent people with us. Homer? Homer? Y'ello? Homer, there's a man here who thinks he can help you. Batman? No, he's a scientist.

two Many dancing people covered with blood, gore and glop just one sniff of that fog And you're inside out it's worse than that flesh-eating virus

I mean, hello. I guess we'll be going down together. I mean, getting off together. I mean-- That's okay. I'll just push the button for the stimulator. I mean, elevator. Think unsexy thoughts. Think unsexy thoughts. Think unsexy thoughts.

I gotta get a job before Marge finds out I was fired. That's it! I'll steal the sign and they'll pay me to make them a new one! I'll show you what we do with scammers like you.

- That's for a vengeful God to do. - Mm-hmm. All we wanna do is give you kids a good home until they get their act together. You don't understand. Mom and Dad take good care of us. That was a baby tooth. It was loose! Don't you worry, little girl. We'll get you some nice county dentures.

Dad, what are you doin' here? Readin' about this Edison character. They won't let me in the big people library downtown. There was some... unpleasantness. I can never go back. Ooh. Look at all the inventions Edison came up with. The stock ticker, the storage battery,

Hey. Take that. Take this. Come here, you little squirt. Homie, maybe we should go inside. But, Marge, that little guy hasn't done anything yet. Look at him. He's gonna do something,

Whoo! S.T.D.’s! Now you’re all here for one reason. To rock! Who said that? That's right, Otto. We're here to rock! So get a good night's sleep and remember- Rule number one, there are no rules!

"Pur--" "Kuala Lum-pur--" - France. - Yoink! Yoink?

I'm telling you, this cilantro really gives it a zing!

Damn it! Man, is he dumb. Where do they get these subjects? He's a little too well fed to be a wino. Hey. What's that? Zoom in on section eight. Rotate 20 degrees.

F.B.I. You're under arrest for fraud. Mm-hmm.

Oh, boy! This is what sunny Sunday afternoons are for. WOMAN: Today, we'll discuss a dying form of Peruvian banjo music,

Now, remember, we're in the Itchy Lot.

Son, let's forget all about that drug thing. Why don't you just come down and have some taffy? Nice try, Homer. just take one bite. If you're not 100% different-- Ow! Geez, what's the big deal?

For, you see, I have been on Mars for the last decade... in a cave with my eyes shut and my fingers in my ears. TouchÉ, Cecil.

- Is this H. Powell of Detroit, Michigan ? - Yeah. By any chance does the "H" stand for Herbert ? Yeah. Woo-hoo ! Whoo ! The "H" stands for Herbert ! Herb, were you adopted ? Yeah. - From the Shelbyville Orphanage ? - How did you know that ?

But don't tell My heart my achy breaky heart i just don't think he'd uNderStand and if-- Come on, Mr. Burns. Join the fun. - That's the spirit. - Don't tell my heart

Do you accept or are you a coward? I... am a coward!

I just wanted to destroy your talent and your joy.

Carl Carlson. I remember when you, Lenny and Stevie McGregor were like "The Three Musketeers."

Hey, dude, he's raggin' on your cord. Get him! No running! Time for a little evasive action. Hey, he's turnin' left!

The capital of North Dakota is named after what German ruler ? Hitler ! Hitler, North Dakota ? Bismarck. Bismarck ! Hitler ? I'm still beating you, boy.

Remember what the dormouse said - We are so old. Yeah.

When I get a hold of you, you're dead. I swear I'm gonna slice your heart in half.

Like Marge becomes a robot Maybe Moe gets a cell phone Has Bart ever owned a bear Or how 'bout a crazy wedding Where something happens and doo doo doo doo doo Sorry for the clip show Have no fears We've got stories for years

Oh, my God! This is a disaster! Gotta go. Here. Homer, You broke the handle.

Roll your eyes back into your head... focusing on your breathing. You should feel a pleasant tingling. Ooh, I do! I do!

Oh! Could I have shot Mr. Burns in a drunken rage? No, no, not me. I know in my heart I-- A gun. And it's been recently fired. Wait. I remember leaving the town meeting. I must have run into Mr. Burns outside and--

But this has gone too far. Please, just let it be.

Pro: Uh-- Uh, I love you. Con: I'm finding myself less attracted to you physically. Marge, this is everything I've ever dreamed of-- right here. And nobody's gonna take it away from me.

(EXCLAIMS IN DISAPPOINTMENT) I liked Doug.

playing Selma's husband was by far the sweetest.

This year I invested in pumpkins. They've been going up the whole month of October. And I got a feeling they're gonna peak right around january. And bang! That's when I'll cash in.

Oh, man! Gosh, fellas, to see you all stuck in here when... even guys in China can watch all the action from their town squares or what have you, well, I just feel pretty doggone bad. If they were electing a president of Dumbville, I'd have to nominate me. You got my vote.

Game over. Please deposit 40 quarters.

Well, it was a grueling two weeks, but you have your son back. Ooh. Mom. Dad. I missed you. Aww! Homer, that's Hans Moleman. Can I keep him anyway? Huh? Huh?

Don't tell anyone, but, uh, Marge Simpson was arrested for shoplifting. Let the word go forth from this time and place, Marge Simpson is a shoplifter.

All right, Helen. If I'm not wanted, I'll leave. You'll get your pancakes in the mail. And then they gave me back my $500 investment...

Hey, everybody! Surf's up! Cowabunga! Woo! Uh! Uh!

into a tie for sixth with Table Time and Allied Biscuit. You want to hear a secret, everybody? Luann loves it! Loves it when I fail! Oh, yes, Kirk. I love having to borrow money from my sister. I love having to steal clothes from the church donation box. Oh, sweet jesus!

You know, Homer, your mom was a pretty groovy chick. And a demon in the sack. Ah, you heard about that, eh? He heard. Anyway, I still think about her every time I walk by that mural she painted.

That Mike Farrell really boils my "potata." I miss-a da Klinger already.

this expired two years ago. Sure, by their standards, but we live in America. This also says it can cause red tide poisoning. But it's so cheap.

Wizard. Ah, for glavin out loud. Behold! I am the Collector! And I'm here to add you to my collection!

Uh, i-i know Weinstein's parents were upset, Superintendent, but i-i was sure it was a phony excuse. I mean, it sounds so made-up. "Yom Kip Pur."

Yes. I want to be emancipated. Emancipated? Dont you like being a dude? No, Dad. It means Bart would be a legal adult and free to move out ofthe house. I wanted a sewing room, but not like this. Not like this! Mom, youve always been cool to me... but Homer is a lousy dad, and I'm not gonna take it anymore!

Now there is still a slight chance we could rescue your husband before he expands. (BOTH GRUNTING) Uh, make that zero chance. Frink out.

Eh, I'm sick of this Tarzan movie. Dad, it's a documentary on the homeless. Oh, right. A crazy dog's trying to kill me!

The basis of this game seems to be simple geometry. All you have to do is hit the ball here. I can't believe it. You've actually found a practical use for geometry.

are forcing our parents to go to bed early... in a fiendish plot to eliminate the meal of dinner! We're through the looking glass here, people. Kids, your daddy and his daddy are involved in a very... sticky, nutty, chewy, chocolaty-- Put it away, boy!

It was terrible. Wait a minute. Is this a religious thing? A religious clown thing, yes. Sorry. Well, bless you any-- Remember the Sabbath day, to keep it holy! Apu, I see you're not in church. Oh, but I am. I have a shrine to Ganesha,

This aptitude test we administered this morning... has revealed that the young Bart here is what we call a "gifted child." A what ? Your son is a genius, Mr. Simpson. Bart ? This lunkhead ? Impossible. No, no, we're quite certain. The child is not supposed to know his own IQ, of course,

Now, boys. Mr. Simpson is the guest. He gets to decide what to watch. Yeah. Hey, what gives? I thought you had a satellite dish. Sure didilly do. Over 230 channels locked out.

We really appreciate you taking the children on such short notice.

Something wrong, Officer? Yep. Got a taillight out. - Where? - Right there. You know, one day, honest citizens are gonna stand up to you crooked cops. They are? Oh, no! Have they set a date?

He's trying to climb over the fence! Now he's realizing he's too fat. He's digging a hole like a dog. Now he's given up on that and he's running back and forth. He's climbing into a pipe and he seems to be stuck. His legs are dangling in a comical fashion. Oh, it's the saddest thing I've ever seen.

Did you just drug me? What the- Technically, it's a toxin.

Bart! Uh, Mrs. K? Hey, it's Saturday! Your powers are useless against me. Relax. I'm just here to have fun like everybody else. Don't think of me as a teacher. Okay. So. Mm-hmm?

- In a minute, Homie. I have to get the door. - But, Marge! Oh, was it something I said?

CrosS my heart and hope to die here's the digits that make pi 3.14159265358979323846--

Maggie, don't press the red button. Damn it! (ALL SHOUTING) Marge, I've always loved you. Bart, you were a worthy foe. (CRYING)

What's your nostalgia prize, Grampa? Liberace action figure! Party tonight at Roddy McDowall's. Whoo.

Framed ? Well, the videotape showed... that the thief used the microwave oven at the Kwik-E-Mart. But Krusty couldn't go near the thing, not with his pacemaker. Well, you know, Bart. As much as I love Krusty, he was never one to take doctor's orders too seriously.

Tonight I'm going to suck...

Ew! The best thing about a gypsy wedding is I'm not the hairiest woman here. Yep. Everything worked out for the best. What? Bart is dead! Well, me saying I'm sorry won't bring him back. The gypsy said it would. She's not the boss of me.

Are these the things we think of when we think of the Irish?

is that Lubchenko coming back on the field? Yea! Bart did it. And they're gonna try for a field goal. A field goal? Hmm, 19, 20, 21-- That would win the game.

Who's "we?" Got a mouse in your purse?

My self-esteem sure didn't need that!

Seven feet tall he was, with arms like tree trunks. And his eyes were like steel, cold and hard. Had A shock of hair, red, like the fires of hell.

Please, Mr. Simpson. I'm afraid I'll have to expel your son-- unless you're willing to try a radical, untested, potentially dangerous-- Candy bar? No! It's a new drug called Focusyn. A drug? I know Bart can be rambunctious, but he's not some hyperactive monster. Gimme an "F"! Good Lord! Gimme an "art"!

And now, a man you will see is definitely not dead. Mr. Montgomery Burns! Mr. Burns, as we're running long, may we skip your speech and go directly to the questions?

Do the hustle ! Keep it down ! Homer, you're amazing. Before, you couldn't say bonjour. But now you can conjugate all the regular verbs, two irregular verbs... and sing the first verse of "Alouette." Alouette, gentille Alouette Alouette, je te plumerai Bien.

Could you open the window? The cops have Daddy's prints on file. Wow! It's magnificent! Now i know how Sir Dudley Winthrop felt...

They had a magnum at the shoe counter. Now for-- Gloria? Her ring. Well, she's run off-- with Simpson.

Did you know you were going-- Oh ! Sorry, sir. I didn't know it was you. That's okay. Carry on. See the way I handled that, Marge ?

I am not a clumsy Clouseau-esque waiter! I will-- Whoa! Whoo! Whoo!

She'll make everything all right. I promise. Damned infernal gizmo. My kingdom for a left-handed can opener! Uh, Mr. Burns... Come on, Homer. Tell him about the store. I'm dying out here. Sorry, Flanders.

Hey, Simpson what are you trying to play? "Polly-wolly Doodle." Oh, yeah? Well, it sounds Polly-wolly crappy.

He drove her to it, you know? She was only doing it for the appliances. He's a she! She's a he! They're both both! (LAUGHS NERVOUSLY) I'm afraid Edna has gone from tardy to absent. (CHUCKLING NERVOUSLY)

No bears ! We're taping ! All bears off the set.

I'm gonna put my trophy on the mantel. How about you? I was thinking mantel too. Talk about being on the same wavelength. Hello, Marge. Hello, Bart.

All right! Time for a crime spree. All right, boy. This calls for the biggest punishment I ever handed down, and this time it's gonna stick. Come on, Homer. This isn't funny. Damn right! Bart, you can't go to see that Itchy and Scratchy movie ever!

I don't want to return home. All right. Let's see some I.D.'s, boys. You two scofflaws are violating curfew. I'm taking you downtown. Oh, uh, sorry to disturb you, Dr. Hibbert. Not at all, officer.

What, the family? Uh, son, we're here to help with your, uh... Which addictadiddilydiction are we going after here? Overeating. And if there's time, we'll get to my drinking. But there won't be time. I'm telling you, Bart. One vice leads to another.

Dad, why don't you go to the airport authority and complain? I'm on my way! You man the rake. This is not a Delta hub!

Let's hope they put their differences aside and do what's best for Maggie. Ow! What the-- Get the-- baby off. Son of a--

I know who'll save him. The bravest dog in the world-- Suds McDuff! That dog is a coward.

It's just some new guy moving in. Disco Stu likes disco music.

And to prevent newsprint from rubbing off on your hands, I've laminated today's newspaper. I appreciate the thought, but my pen won't write on this. How am I supposed to do the "junior jumble"?

- All done. - You're not done. I want you to throw away these old calendars and TV Guides. Are you mad, woman? You never know when an old calendar might come in handy. Sure, it's not 1985 right now, but who knows what tomorrow will bring? And these TV Guides. So many memories.

They'll never stop The Simpsons Have no fears We've got stories for years Like Marge becomes a robot Maybe Moe gets a cell phone Has Bart ever owned a bear Or how 'bout a crazy wedding

Homer, that's Hans Moleman. Can I keep him anyway? Huh? Huh? ...Scratchy Show

I said slag off! Cool!

Here I come, world! How do you think he'll do, Moe? I think he'll do just fine.

Mom! Mom! You've gotta help! They're cooking kids in the school cafeteria! Listen, kids. You're eight and 10 years old now. I can't be fighting all your battles for you. But, Mom! No buts. You march right back to that school, look them straight in the eye and say, "Don't eat me." Okay.

Go fish! Why don't we watch cartoons? The justice League is moving into their new building today. Kent Brockman reporting live from Mayor Quimby's press conference... at the abandoned penitentiary. Huh? I have ordered the reopening of this prison to send a message to the criminals of Springfield.

Where do you keep the fish till it's done? Oh, they're well taken care of in our storage facility. In this tank, we see some of the most exotic species of the coral reef. Look, children. That giant clam appears to be opening.

Ooh! Lisa's having a tea party. If I understand the female mind-- and I do-- they're plotting against us. We've gotta get audio!

Here's another one. "Knock knock." "Who's there?" "juliet." "juliet who?" Juliet so much pasta fazool, Romeo doesn't want her anymore! Whoa, tough crowd. They're booing Shakespeare!

Thanks, Dad. Good night, Son.

Oh, yes, I can. I'll-- Give me that. I won't let you give up now when you worked so hard-- to be the greatest pal in the world. I love you.

Oh, no. Look at the line. Oh, there they are. Ah, it's the swindlers. The Simpsons. Ah, them stinkin' liars. Well, there goes Christmas dinner. Oh, head of the line. A family could get used to being shunned, huh? Huh?

What do you do? A problem with the reactor?! We're all going to die!

I'll show you! Oh, my.

Homer, get ready! Patty and Selma will be here any minute! Oh, no! Better ride this one out in the closet. Sorry, Dad. This is our spot. Oh, yeah? Well, it's my house, so it's my spot. Nu-uh, because we called it. Did not. Well, we're calling it now. You are?

Sometimes I go to the movies alone.

Once there, you'll weigh only a small percentage... of what you weigh on Earth. Slow down, tubby. You're not on the moon yet. The moon belongs to America... and anxiously awaits the arrival of our astro-men.

When you arrive at the cabin, there will be a congratulatory party...

He says it's really high-tech stuff that we wouldn't understand. Marge, do we have any elbow macaroni and glue-on sparkles? Oh, boy! Quittin' time!

Look, it's the Noid. Avoid the Noid. He ruins pizzas.

What, never? No, never What, never Hardly ever He's hardly ever sick at sea

Musicians, cease that infernal tootling.

So, do you expect me to talk? I don't expect anything from you except to die and be a very cheap funeral. You're gonna die now.

Hey, guys, I'm lookin' for a jacques Strap. What ? Aw, wait a minute. Jacques Strap ? It's you, isn't it, you cowardly little runt ! When I get ahold of you, I am gonna gut you like a fish and drink your blood.

I see you Braves received our smoke signal. Wow. Neat-o. Awesome. Oh, no. The Pawnee have returned. They probably want their souls back.

Look ahead 30 years... to the man you Will become. Eww! That's me in the future? Quiet. You're about to say something.

Boys love candy. No, thanks. Boys love candy. Eew. I think I'd rather just get to work, ma'am. We'll start with a little light yard work, and when you're done, you can have a nice barley pop. I want you to clear out all the weeds. You do know which ones are weeds ? All of 'em ?

Jesus called today. He did? I'm bored. Hey, I've got an idea. Let's tie a string around a fly.

You've signed my name lots of times. But this isn't like a loan application or a will! You signed away my dignity. And I'm going to get it back. Lisa, do I have my pants on? Yes. Perfect. Here's your apology back, Mr. Simpson, and I'm sorry we couldn't work this out.

These losers are out of peanut butter. I know how to make some. Peanuts... butter. Now we just put the top on. Hey, I didn't get where I am putting tops on things.

Either way, we're going ashore. Am I going too? Of course. We wouldn't think of going without the bait. Uh, that is, the bait-thing beauty. The bathing beauty. I covered that up pretty well. Homer! Homer! Homer!

And Midnight Basketball taught them to function without sleep. What about my pledge to build the world's largest bookmobile?

My name is the return address, you senseless dunderpate.

Oh, Homer. I know you were trying to shield me from failure. But this is my business. And the Mafia's not getting one cent of my money! So what are we going to do? We're going to do what we do every day. We're going to make pretzels.

What in God's name are you doing? Isn't this 742 Evergreen Terrace? No, that's next door.

we put the Spring in spriNgfield we're the laCe on the nightgown the point after touchdown Yes, we put the spring in Springfield we're that little extra spice that makes existence extra nice A giddy little thrill

Dateline, Kent Brockman. i'm here at the scene of the Christmas burglary, where a creature was stirring last night... and what he was stirring was up trouble. Is your husband or lover here, ma'am? No, my husband is... at church.

Wave of the future! That's right, honey. If you nurture her gift now, there's no telling what she can do. Wow, just think of the possibilities. Lisa Simpson has won the Nobel Prize. Nah.

Wow, you sure get A Lot of balls for A quarter. Hmm. Yes! A Maggie-oop! Mm-hmm. Hey, that's cheating! Hmm!

All right, all right. It's Lisa's turn. Who controls the British Crown

Hey, I heard we're going to Ape Island. Yeah, to capture a giant ape. I wish we were going to Candy Apple Island. Candy Apple Island? What do they got there? Apes, but they're not so big. Homer! Homer! Homer!

When a man loves a woman Which one are you? The man or the woman? - Questioning the kid's sexuality? Well done. Ha! - Ha! (FEEDBACK) Here you go, honey! Sing this. How did you write a song so quickly?

Stop the clapping! You'll kill us all! Lisa's gone berserk. Do something, Homer. Do something! Oh. Thanks, Dad.

Then again... No, Marge! Definitely Marge!

Oh, man! I'll take 2,000.

You can stay in our garage. A garage! Somebody up there likes me.

Hey, proper. I have to pay to see my own grandson! That's the democrats for ya!

And even if he was, we're not gonna stumble on his secret hiding place. You're probably right. Let's just go back. Satisfied? Big deal. It's no different from the basement in Grampa's rest home. Look!

that makes beer super, super malty. - Care to try it? - Wait a minute. Will this erase my memory? No. Not at all. Ma-- Man, that is malty. But he'll never know!

Yes, I may be naked and reeking of panda love, but I've got to stop this before it goes too far. Take that back... for $903. I retract my statement. Ha! Dad. I mean, screw you! Well, well. It looks like my monkey has evolved into a man.

He was one of the evilest men of the 1780s. He even tried to kill George Washington. The dastard!

Well, at least get some candy for yourself. Kids. Here's your candy.

I saved this newspaper from the day Lisa was born.

You must be Ralph. My daddy shoots people.

There's nary an animal alive that can outrun a greased Scotsman. Now, out we go.

where the intellectual junta known as the "Bright Pack"... has been running this town for the better part of three days. So, Lisa, what do you and your fellow eggheads have planned for the city? - Business as usual? - No, Kent. We're gonna use the power of good ideas to change things for the better. Well, excuse this jaded reporter if he says he's heard that before.

Mom, I'd love to, but I don't need new clothes. Oh, really? Even though I'd love to spend this sunny afternoon trying on clothes, it's not... Folks, when you're right 52% of the time you're wrong 48% of the time.

(LAUGHING EVILLY) The hell you are!

Cow. Hey, Mom. Look what Mbali gave me. Hey, check it out. Bart! I told you not to get your lip "disked." All right. Uh-oh.

This place is amazing. Kiosks, outdoor study groups-- Lisa, where have you been? In heaven.

Hey, kids, why sit in front of the TV when you can be on the radio?

This can be the miracle that saves the Simpsons' Christmas. If TV has taught me anything, it's that miracles always happen to poor kids at Christmas. It happened to Tiny Tim, it happened to Charlie Brown, it happened to the Smurfs, and it's gonna happen to us. Well, okay, let's go. Who's Tiny Tim ?

What, this jug? Hee-hee! Whee! Whoa-ho-ho! Lisa, never, ever stop in the middle of a hoedown. Oh, honey, I didn't realize how much that horn meant to you.

Now let's crack some skulls. Seth, Munchie, they can destroy our bodies and our ponchos, but they can never silence our song of protest. UptowN girl she'S been living in her white bread world Come on, guys.

to combine them into a brilliant, original idea. Okay. Um-- Automatic-- Butt. Okay. Fluorescent-- Booger. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Wait a minute. These aren't exciting new products. You're not even trying.

Ned, I love you...

That's ridiculous. I don't like you-- I mean hate you. Hate you. Hate you. I hate you! I've heard that from coworkers, strangers on the street, even my own children, but I never thought I'd hear it from you. Maybe we should see a counselor. Who's "we?" Got a mouse in your purse?

Dear Lord! That's the loudest profanity I've ever heard.

This is not Happy Days, and he is not the Fonz.

Oh, I'm a living joke. You know, Lisa, it might be nice to rest for a while. Mom, there's nothing to be alarmed about. But could you take one last look at the family and join me in the kitchen?

Are you gonna call the police? Oh, forget it! They couldn't catch a cold with a-- a cold-catching thing. See, when you don't use Milhouse, it's hard.

Dad, what are you doing? Oh, how to explain this to a child? Hmm.

Oh-my-God! Oh-my-God! Oh-my-God! All right. Let's get our stories straight. She tripped, right? Look. I brought you some nice pudding. Ah, your flesh mother used to bring me pudding. Oh, I miss Marge.

Okay, now, let's not jump to conclusions, everyone. Well, I'll be a son of a witch. That's right, I'm a witch. And I'm the one who withered your livestock, soured your sheep's milk and made your shirts itchy. Hey, you destroyed my turnip crop.

Cover me, Sarge. I'm going after Bart's soul. If the ayatollah can't have it, no one can!

Hmm. Hmm? Wow! Look at this old-timey gizmo. I feel like I've gone back in a time machine. Dad, they have those everywhere.

Ooh. "Dee-licious"? Correct. I would also accept "snack-tacular." And for the first time ever, our computer lab actually has a computer in it. Hi, Lisa. Hi, Super Nintendo Chalmers.

You said you were going to vomit on their mothers' graves. Oh, so that's why my maid quit. Let me say I was the first clown to put a woman in sketches-- Miss Bada-Boom-Boom-Boom! She had more acting talent in one boob... than most women have in their entire rack.

Oh, I'm sorry, girl. I thought you were just getting fat. Look! It's twins! No! It's two sets of twins! Two sets of twins and a triplet! Homer! Homer, find a place for all these little miracles.

(TIRES SCREECHING) D'oh! (SCREAMING) (TIRES SCREECHING)

Why don't we play... this? Hey!

All right ! We eat tonight ! Wait a minute. One, two, three.

Word on the street is you dumped Dawson. He's history, Jenda. Wait till he sees me with that new exchange student. Hola, Harmony. ¿Que es el dilly-yo?

And my good friend Frankenstein is now Frankenreagan. Bleh!

I just have one thing to say. Let's have less Homer Simpsons... and more money for public schools.

Well, just a little one.

Only who can prevent forest fires? You pressed "You," referring to me. That is incorrect. The correct answer is you.

For those of you who have always wanted to see the famous Brown Derby restaurant--

It's 80 meters long, and it's heading this way. Oh, good glavin! It's on my shoe! It's a-- a small frog. just get off. just get off there. just get out. Get out! Stupid machine. Oh, wait a minute. This isn't the Monsterometer. It's the Frog Exaggerator! Oy.

Yummy, yummy, yummy I got love iN my tummy and I feel like lovin' you

Excuse me. Paul Bunyan never fought Rodan. And his size seems to be really inconsistent. I mean, one minute, he's 10 feet tall. The next, his feet are as big as a lake. Hey, hey, hey! Who's the hobo here? I'm just sayin'.

We are not staying at Moe’s. Maggie's already drunk on the fumes. And she's a mean drunk. Come on, guys. You gotta stay. Tonight's the big cockfight. We can eat the loser. Who wants to eat a loser?

Hmm. Wow. That was a good idea.

Why did you rat me out, kids? Was it because I showered love on those other children while ignoring you? Yep. Pretty much. Well, I learned my lesson. From now on, you two are the only kids I'll care about. Oh, and Maggie. Now let's all enjoy the snack table while we still have it.

That doesn't sound like bees. Oh, my God. It's a racetrack! The bird sanctuary! They ruined it! No, they didn't! They just surrounded it with something wonderful! Like a raisin covered in chocolate.

Hello, Marge ? Hello ? I'm the one who's dying, not you. Oh, I'm sorry, Homer. Have you thought about what you want to tell the kids ? Nothing. It'll just upset them. I want my last hours of family life to be happy ones.

Behold! The ultimate Pog! I'll take it!

surgical tools and some ether. Aaaaaaaaaaaahhh! Did you have a nightmare? No. Bart bit me. You were crushing me.

And his name was... E.T., the extraterrestrial. I love that little guy.

Sit down! Sit down! You're ruining it for everyone! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Can I help you? Potato man. Where the hell have you been?

Of course, one thing mother blue jay can't defend against...

I'm not insane. Run, Marge! Run! Pump those crazy legs! Police say escaped mental patient Marge Simpson could be anywhere.

O Lord, why did you smite me with this family ? - Amen ! - Let's eat. No, I'm not done yet ! But, Homer, how long are we supposed to sit here... and listen to you bad-mouth us to the Man Upstairs ? I'm sorry, Marge, but sometimes I think we're the worst family in town. Maybe we should move to a larger community. D-oh !

Budget-O's? That's right. It's much less expensive than the leading clown-based cereal. You just have to assemble it yourself. We saved 50 cents on that purchase.

Oh, I hate shopping. just get me a deck of cards and I'll win whatever I need from the other kids. But you need to try things on. Every brand has a different idea of "husky."

I can't believe a convicted felon would get so many votes... and another convicted felon would get so few.

Now it's heading for the church! Don't worry. I planned for this.

That's all of it. Sign here. There you are, my man. And a dollar for yourself. A buck. I'm glad there's a curse on this place. Huh ? Well, it's all ours. I still can't believe how inexpensive it was. Motivated seller, Marge. Well, he certainly must've been motivated.

Good-bye, my darling.

Sir Elton, my noble friends and I... would like to dub you a Knight of the Grand Concourse. Yeah, it's for all your charity work and, um, for, uh, you know, teaching us, um, to love again. Really? I did that?

I know. How about we play the basketball?

Hey, Homer, looks like our next stop is your hometown, Springfield. Is it true that we have to bring our own water? We got a little rule back home-- If it's brown, drink it down. If it's black, send it back. The hometown show's the big one, Homer. People who called you a weirdo in high school get to see what a successful freak you've become. Hey, I wasn't a weirdo.

You're the fattest, Bufflekill. Okay, everybody, dig in!

That's 'cause you know you can't. You're not a superstud like me. Am too! Are not! You're an octo-wussy. "Whoa, look at me! I'm Bart Simpson! I'm scared to use a gun! I want to marry Milhouse. I walk around like this--" La la la-la la Hey, quit it!

The secret ingredient is... Homer, no! ...Cough syrup. Nothing but plain, ordinary, over-the-counter children's cough syrup. Shoot. Thank you, Mr. Nutball. Got to go, Moe. Tough luck.

It's beautiful. It's the most awe-inspiring sight I have ever seen. Giver of life, mother of us all. Hey, guys, look what I smuggled aboard.

Yeah, well, Bart can kiss my hairy yellow butt. From now on, the baby sleeps in the crib.

911. Hello. This is Lisa Simpson and-- Simpson? Look, we've already been out there tonight for a "sisterectomy," a case of severe butt rot and a leprechaun bite. How dumb do you think we are? Wait! Dr. Hibbert!

If you feel sleepy, take a nap. If you get bored, feel free to take out a book and start reading. What should I read, ma'am ? Anything you want, Bart. Oh ! A comic book ? How did this get mixed in here ?

Customer Service Center. If you have a complaint about Malibu Stacy's appearance or odor, press one. If you've given Malibu Stacy a haircut and need to order a replacement head, press two. - For information on our factory tour, press three. - Mom! We could go on the factory tour, and I could complain in person.

It's okay, son. You can recover. Come on, Bart. Remember what Vince Lombardi said: "If you lose, you're out of the family." Homer ! Ow !

Champ, do you feel remorse for your crime? Oh, yes. Believe me. My God. If I could turn back the clock on my mother's stair-pushing, I would certainly reconsider it. Drederick, uh, what do you think of Homer Simpson? I think he's a good man. I like him.

The bathroom is not for customers. Please use the crack house across the street. That is the most pungent thing I have ever smelled... and I am from India!

Thank you, Lord.

Don't worry, guys. Something always comes along to save us. Uh, nevertheless, I remain confident... that something will come along and save the two Simpson children.

I-- Holy jumping Caesar's catfish! My "H" has been stolen! Oh! That's how people knoW it's a Honda! What's the point of having a Honda if you can't show it off?

jeremy Irons. Jeremy's... iron. Mm-hmm. Well, that's... very good for a first try. You know what? I have a ball. Perhaps you'd like to bounce it.

Why can't you accept that I'm here with someone else ? Because I'm sure we were meant to be together. Usually when I have a thought, there's a lot of other thoughts in there. Something says yes, something says no, but this time there's only yes. How could the only thing I've ever been sure about in my life be wrong ?

Wait a second. Mmm. You kids do need a babysitter. Blast that infernal card. Don't give that card to me. Here you go-- No! Mr. Simpson, I was just going through your garbage,

Easy. Easy! Oh, why do you hate my trains?

Well, look at the wonders of the computer age now. Wonders, Lisa? Or blunders? I think that was implied by what I said. Implied, Lisa? Or implode? Mom, make him stop. Oh, no. Krusty!

Why, you little...!

Homer, you can't just keep hanging out with these colobus monkeys. Somebody's gonna get parasites. Oh, Marge, kids, I miss my club. Oh, Homie. You know, you are a member of a very exclusive club.

We'll show 'em all!

What are you doing in my corpse hatch? Montgomery Burns, you're under arrest for murder. Uh, did I say corpse hatch? I meant "innocence tube."

Flanders, you gotta help me. is there a Southern couple parked in front of my house? Ooh, yes indeedy, Homer. Looks like they're settlin' in for a long stay.

The film is just me in front of a brick wall for an hour and a half. It cost $80 million. How do you sleep at night? On top of a pile of money with many beautiful ladies.

Uh, why don't you leave the symbol to me, sir?

All right, Monty it's up to your managerial skills.

is the biggest insult of all. Hey, guys, I came to, uh-- Oh, you got a deadly game of cat and mouse going. I'll come back. I'm seeing double here. Four Krustys. Krusty! Oh, thanks! Thanks a lot! You came here to save me!

This is a whole lot of nothing. I'd rather watch the boilers. Make sure you return those chairs to the cafeteria. I'm not kidding. Ah... finished, with 15 seconds to spare.

1-800-U-SNITCH. No, U-SQUEAL. Oh, no ! Don't forget to tell me when you see the Offramp. Oh, there it-- went.

Eh, something's in there, all right. Maybe it's presents for all of us. Well, it could be anything. Smells like a bear. Who cares what it is? Let's monoxide it! Oh, why are people always trying to kill me? We have to get out of here!

Man, it's windy as hell out there.

Hello, little girl. Is your mommy home? You'll need to ask her for five dollars to buy Mr. Bouncy Best Friend. I know you. Your little smart-mouthed boy cost this town the Olympics. Who is it, Mother?

Hello? Yeah. I'd like to arrange, uh, for an escort, please. To where? How about Orgasmville?

Ick, my mouth tastes like an ashtray.

How do I know I'm getting quality? Don't worry. Our donors have to pass a rigorous screening process. All done! Thank you. Always a pleasure. What a beautiful little girl.

- Excuse me for one second. - Of course.

Forty years ago,

That's damn fine coffee you got here in Twin Peaks... and damn good cherry pie.

Lisa, you'll be late for band practice. Let's go.

I'm on the highway to hell no stop signs, speed limit nobody's gonna slow me down like A wHeel, gonna spin it

Homer gets Powerful like a gorilla, yet soft and yielding like a Nerf ball. Now, at last, I have found it. Ladies and gentlemen, presenting the car designed for the average man, the Homer !

- Yea! - Congratulations. You are all World War I historical re-creationists. Yea! Uh-oh.

Mr. Plow, for making it possible for people to get where they're going... without resorting to public transportation or carpooling, I give you the key to the city.

Huh? Huh? He's got backup! Somebody does care! Johnny Tightlips, can you see the shooter? I see a lot of things. You know, you could be a little more helpful.

Sustained. If I hear "objection" and "sustained"... one more time today, I think I'm going to scream. Objection. Sustained. Roger Myers didn't create any of his characters. He stole them all. Stole them all? That could turn this whole case around. The only characters Myers could ever come up with were pathetic stick figures...

Nice dress. Oh, go home and have sex with your wife. That's it. Bring it on. Why, you little-- Come on, you sainted--

I have some theories based on a G. I. Joe I bought.

Hello, Queen Lisa. Bart! What are you doing in my room? Lisa, certain differences-- rivalries, if you will-- have come up between us. At first I thought we could talk it over like civilized people,

Huh? Homie, I think someone is saying hello. Hello. Oh. It's a boy. And what a boy!

Whoa! Me rikey velly much! Oh, I hope I didn't offend you. I need this bad. Bad enough to hit yourself over the head with the phone? Oh! You got it! Ow! Ow! Ooh, blood.

Listen, missy. The last two city slickers who used reverse psychology on me... are pushin' up daisies. They're dead? No, they just got lousy jobs. You know what? I bet he can't even fit into his old costume. I can't, huh? You two wait right here.

Well, I guess you mean President Clinton. He usually hangs around Washington, D.C. President Clin-ton. Excellent. Except, um, there's this election next week, so after that, it might not be him anymore. It might be what's his name, um, Mumbly joe, uh--

I keep hearing this horrible irregular thumping noise.

Hey, whatsa matter, you? You crazy kid, you chasing away my business. Buzz off, Guiseppe. Pepe, go for the face!

He knocks the guy into the sun and says, "hot enough for you ?" I stand corrected. We're here !

But, uh-- Oh, bring back some of them, uh, gyros.

Your mom's going to a psychiatrist. She's gonna tell Marge to leave me. It'll break up the family, and you'll have to live with your grandmother and pick beans. Dad, I like picking beans with Grandma. Well, keep it up then. Okay, I will. Good. You do that. Fine. You'll be picking many a bean. Hope I do.

I'm gonna play, and you're gonna float there and like it. When you're down and troubled And you need a helping hand and nothing

- Hello! - Mr. Burns! Oh, no need for alarm. I just came to give you the orchids and fragrant bath oils I lavish upon all my employees.

Gott in himmel!

You promised to get rid of this gun. I put it in a safe place, Marge.

There's a box you can sleep in. Thanks. - just move that cot outta the way. - Okay. Do you know what radon is? No. Good night. Spare change? Mom, there's a weird smell and a lot of cursing...

U.S.A.! U.S.A.! U.S.A.! I haven't seen such unfettered hurly-burly since the fall of Saigon.

Lisa, will you keep it down? I'm making a crank phone call to Principal Skinner. As a matter of fact, my refrigerator wasn't running. You spared me quite a bit of spoilage. - Thank you, anonymous young man. - D'oh!

No, this is true. The Coast Guard arrested Boy George... for scraping the barnacles off his dinghy. Hi-yo! Hi-yo!

Out of the way. Milhouse, baby! Lionel Hutz, your new agent, bodyguard, unauthorized biographer and drug dealer-- uh, keeper-awayer. Leave me alone! Mom! Dad!

Come on, talk! Let's hear you! (GRUNTS) Here's the scoop, your haagen days are over. I'm baskin' in your pain, as I'm robbin' you of life.

Mmm. Hey, Cora. I-I heard science is workin' on a doughnut... that actually burns off calories. Uh, how's that goin'? What? Ah, never mind. Just refill this with jelly, will ya?

put your hands together for the Beach Boys Experience! Mezuzah, menorah Reading from the Torah Pastrami, knishes, on two sets of dishes A church with no steeple for God's chosen people

Here's my counter offer.

Homie, I don't mean to nag, but what does this have to do with healing your eyes? As soon as I graduate, I am so outta here. This just in. The Marijuana Re-criminalization Initiative... took another step forward today as supporters collected... the final signatures required... to place it on the ballot for next Tuesday's election.

Correction: Kill us both! "I love yoU"-- It's an angel! Oh, that's Neddie's pet name for me. "I love you"-- Poppin' Fresh.

That's all l- Oh, dear. ...poor William Bonney might've become a doctor or a senator! Hear me, people ofthe past! Hey, everyone, that's us! I come to deliver a terrifying message of hope.

We were beaten by the best, boy.

I'm afraid not. Your father needs your help. You don't want him to get a lobotomy, do you? Hmm... lobotomy. That's all right, son. There's probably a downside I don't see.

Close your eyes, Marge. And now you're ready for a night on the town.

D'oh! D'oh! Where did that rat come from? He must have brought it in with him. Hmm. Damn it! Man, is he dumb. Where do they get these subjects? He's a little too well fed to be a wino. Hey. What's that?

Target date: January 2007.

Kiss me, Diego. But your husband's animals are watching. Where do you think I learned to do this? Mmm. Whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. This movie’s turning into "SpongeBob NoPants.” Cut.

Oh, my! Hot! Hot! Hot! La, la, la, la, la, la, la. Here. Let me wrap this wet towel around your head to cool you off. La, la, la, la, la, la, la. (PANTING) Stop him! He's expressing his faith, eh!

Oh, he's right. I'm a loser. There's only one way out of this mess.

That sounds expensive. This is what love costs a month? These are standard fees, Mr. Simpson.

Haven't you? Haven't you? Look at me! Dad, it just kind of happened. You're taking this too hard. How would you like me to take it? "Go ahead, Bart. Have your fun. I'll be waiting for you"? I'm sorry. I can't do it! Well, what are you gonna do?

Yes, that's very healthy, Ned. And if you really tick me off, I'm gonna run you down with my car. Yeah, uh-- Um-- Oh! Oh! Ned, you're so crazy.

Since the beginning of time, man has yearned to destroy the sun. I will do the next best thing-- block it out.

Whoo-hoo! Oh, Marge, that's great news! Hey, hey, there with the personal call, Simpson! Oh, uh, but, Mr. Milhouse, my little girl's getting married. Lisa? Oh, my one true love. It's not you, Milhouse. I just don't plan to ever get married.

Here you go, darlin'. Normally, we don't allow children in here, but your father was so insistent. He's tough but fair. I'll start sorting these bras. That's a bit advanced for you, but I know a stopped-up sink that needs some attention. just glad to be on the team. When you work the door, the main things are...

Hey, kids ! Who do you love ? Krusty ! How much do you love me ? With all our hearts ! What would you do if I went off the air ? We'd kill ourselves ! What's that, Sideshow Bob ?

- Nah, just park it. - Very well. And I counted the pennies in the ashtray! Ooh, look! It's Woody Harrelson! I can't believe those pants are made entirely out of hemp. And there's Ed Begley jr.

So get that piece of paper. I tried! Oh, Lord, how I did try. Knock it off! I can't hear myself think. I want some peanuts. That's better. How come you never play your guitar anymore?

Hey, what gives? Where are all the rock stars? I dont know, but it's starting to get dark. w'w' f "Start Me Up, "Faint] What was that? w'w' f Continues] Oh! ts gettin' closer!

your campaign seems to have the momentum of a runaway freight train. Why are you so popular ?

Ah! What the hell is this? Some kind of tube? Hey--

Shoe fight! Ow! No golf shoes.

Well, if it isn't the square in our love triangle. What are you doing at Edna's place? Where is she? My beloved is napping blissfully in the many folds of my Spider-Man T-shirt. As for myself, I am popping kettle corn. This can't be happening!

Sold to the five desperate chicks! All right! We got 'im! Hooh!

These people looked deep within my soul... and assigned me a number based on the order in which I joined. Who controls the British Crown Who keeps the metric system down

Ah, forget it. Let's go. - Find any winners, son ? - Sorry, Dad. Hey, hey, Simpson ! What'd I tell you ?

And that "little while" is now eight years and counting. Anyway, Bart had just entered the terrible twoS. i am so great i am so great everybody loves me I am so great Hello? Honey? Honey, honey, honey? Everybody loves-- Could you please be quiet?

You're mutants? Uh, we don't like the word "mutants," Homer. We prefer "freaks" or "monsters." We're creating a new perfect society...

But we have the power so we'll March day and night by the big Cooling tower they have the plant but we have the power Look at them all, through the darkness I'm bringing. They're not sad at all. They're actually singing!

Hmm. Hey, good evening, Hezron, Carver of Graven Images. Ah, good evening, Homer the Thief. How is business ? Been a little slow these past few months. Not much to steal in the desert.

Yep. That's the prize? A banana? Their natural mushiness prevents choking and promotes regularity. They're not babies, Lisa. Give 'em something fun-- like cigars or booze. We tried giving them eggnog at Christmas, but it led to widespread "de-shawling."

It's supposed to be a power plant, not Aunt Beulah's bordello. Thank you. Get out. Next. Uh, Ralphie, get off the stage, sweetheart.

I'm just saying we could blow all our money... on a stupid little street, but-- Oh! I ain't fer it. I'm agin it! Main Street! Main Street! Main Street! All those in favor of Grampa Simpson's plan...

Her ring. Well, she's run off-- with Simpson. Well, this is my house. - Uh-uh. - Oh. Geez, I just wanted to escape.

Hey, the dummy can't hurt you. He's not even alive. He's dead!

We're talking about a totally outrageous paradigm. Excuse me, but "proactive" and "paradigm"-- aren't these just buzzwords that dumb people use to sound important? Not that I'm accusing you of anything like that. I'm fired, aren't I? Oh, yes. The rest of you writers start thinking up a name for this funky dog.

Moe, Moe... Moe... Moe, Moe... Moe.... Moe, Moe...

"isn't that Marge Simpson having brunch with a man who isn't her husband ?"

Big shoes to fill. Big shoes to fill. Big shoes to Fill. Big shoes to Fill. Big shoes to fill--

It's Wally! Hey, Wally, do something funny. Hey, later, okay? Hey, why don't you go bug your parents? Cool, Larry the Looter.

I love you too. So you don't want to kill me anymore? Only with kisses. Oh, don't be a wuss.

"So pick, please, me, Mr. Burns." It's Kurns, stupid! No, it's not. Disregard.

Good news, gentlemen. I've grown that extra inch you wanted. Plus several feet more.

"Yello." Marge, please. Who's this ? May I please speak to Marge ? This is her sister, isn't it ? Is Marge there ? Who shall I say is calling ? Marge, please. It's your sister. Oh !

Read the "bosom" part again, Dad. Now, just a minute ! Bosom. Bart !

I hit it! I hit it! My cans. My precious, antique cans. Aw, look what you done to 'em.

I can hear her, Homer! He can hear you, Rachel!

Back around 1840, the great pie known as America... was still cooling on the windowsill, and everybody headed west for a slice. Cleaning my gun with the safety off safety off, safety off Cleaning my gun with the--

Very good. Now I want you all to imagine the perfect toy. What would it be like? It should be soft and cuddly. Yeah. With lots of firepower. Its eyes should be telescopes. No. Periscopes. No. Microscopes! Can you come back to me? It should be full of surprises. It should never stop dancing. It should need accessories.

- Aw, thanks, Dad. - Ahh. How about some adulation from my little sister?

but how will I remember all those numbers?" Whoa! Well, scientists have discovered that even monkeys can memorize 10 numbers. Are you stupider than a monkey? How big of a monkey? Of course you're not.

So, uh, your mother tells me you go to Springfield Elementary. Exactly what is your interest in my mother? She makes me laugh.

All right! I'm gonna sit at home and ogle the ladies... in the Victoria Secret Catalog. Sears Catalog.

between the Mississippi National Guard and the League of Women Voters. After basic training, you'll only have to work one weekend a month. And most of that time, you're drunk off your ass.

Arr! Here be a fine vessel, the yarest river-goin' boat there be. I'll take it. Arr. I don't know what I'm doin'.

Beer here! I'll take 10. And now, to announce the winners.

Let's see here. "We the people," "cruel and unusual," blah, blah, blah. "Ritual circumcision," yak, yak, yak. Ah, geez, I'll take your word for it. I guess you are in charge. With our superior intellects, we could rebuild this city on a foundation of reason and enlightenment. We could turn Springfield into a utopia.

"The Wind in the Willows"? It's about a toad and a badger and a mole. I drawed on mine. Is this my house? No. You live in a different house. Choo, choo, choo, choo! Woo-wooo! And I shall rule the "down under-verse!"

Well, we paid Bart five dollars a week to take out the trash. Mm-hmm. I suppose if he'd been able to do it that week, we might have given him the five dollars. Five dollars ? Mm-hmm. But your lawyer-- assuming he is a lawyer-- is asking for a million ! Well, we can't blame them for trying, can we ?

No, Dad. You could really brighten the holidays for those less fortunate. Yeah, right. It's time to rebuild my self-esteem. Hey, what happened to-- Oh, good Lord! What a week!

Why is that mirror sneezing? Uh, look, it's just an old, creaky mirror. You know, sometimes it sounds a little like it's sneezing... or coughing or talking softly. Now, you each have a knob in front of you. When you like what you see, turn the knob to the right. When you don't like what you see, turn it left.

But as for me, I'm off to battle aliens on a faraway planet.

It's beautiful. - Are you okay? - Yeah. I'm fine. Noooooooooo!

w'w' f Techno Beat] f Female Announcer] Welcome to another episode of Padz. .. where we go inside the mega-mansions of today's hot young celebrities. This was today? The girl was supposed to call. Oh, let's get this over with.

Sam, he's got a point. Katharine Hepburn never showed her breasts. There's still time. I want a rewrite- with no nudity.

I have a favor to ask. Please shut this place down and move away from Springfield. Oh, honey, you can't be serious. Springfield doesn't want places like this. I think I know what Springfield wants, sugar. Oh? I've lived in this town for 37 years.

Milhouse, time for church! Shlomo, time for your violin lesson! Aah!

Gee, Herb, because of me, you lost your business, your home and all your possessions. I can't help but think that maybe you would've been...

The Indians used to drink water to wake up early for their attacks. It's always about the Indians, isn't it, Lise? Dear Santa, if you bring me lots of good stuff,

Are you the Beer Baron? Well, if you're talking about root beer, I plead guilt-diddily-ilty as char-diddily-arged. He's not the Baron. But he sounds drunk. Take him in. Are you the Beer Baron? Yes, but only by night. By day, I'm a mild-mannered reporter for a major metropolitan newspaper. Don't crack wise with me, tubby.

Well, would anyone else like a bite of banality? I would.

and you Will know our love was meant to be one fine day you're gonna want me For your girl I was looking for those. Thanks, doll. The itchy anD scratchy show

Uh-oh. Edna, we don't need wedding china. The dishes mother won on Let's Make a Deal are holding up nicely. Seymour, if we register for these dishes, our wedding guests will buy them for us. And I suppose those wedding guests will also pay for dishwashing liquid, heated water and two-sided sponges?

Aw, nuts! They'll be back. They'll miss American TV. Any of these islands would make a fine new country. I call president! Vice president! Ooh, there's a big one. And it has "freedom" written all over it.

Then I'll just stick by you in secret. Like a sock maker working on a top secret sock-- Will you stop looking at your feet? Well, cadets, it's been a great year. You've all worked very hard, developing academic skills and general killing skills. My killing teacher says I'm a natural. But these skills are nothing without courage and stamina.

Ambassador Henry Mwabwetumba of the Ivory Coast writes: "What is the real deal with Mr. Burns's assistant, Smithers? You know what I'm talking about."

Then Father Sean quoted Eminem in his sermon. And in art class, we painted Saint Joan burning at the stake. And mine was the grossest. (CACKLING) Catholics rock! (MUTTERS) Bart, I'm glad you had fun. But I wouldn't get too into that Catholic church with all the sitting and standing and kneeling.

Look at me, Bart! I'm driving! We're all proud of you, Dad.

It tastes great, makes women appear more attractive, and makes a person virtually invulnerable to criticism. Won't somebody please think of the children?

Literacy programs, preserving our beloved covered bridges, world domination. World domination? Oh, that might be a typo.

Bart, I have a riddle for you. What's the sound of one hand clapping ? Piece of cake. No, Bart. It's a 3,000-year-old riddle with no answer. It's supposed to clear your mind of conscious thought. No answer ? Lisa, listen up. Let's try another one.

D'oh! Whoa-oh-oh. Eeyii!

Them's fightin' words.

His likeness graces a stamp in Tanzania.

Well, they do it in Norway. And that's why I personally thank God we pay too much for drugs. I mean, the right amount. I mean, not enough. Here. Watch this video.

It seems the chief had gone to the bank to cash in his penny jar. ...48, 49, 50. What the-- ? Ooh! Good work, Chief. just doing my job. Yes, it seems the chief pulled a Homer Simpson of his own.

No, not the iodine. Burn the germs off with a torch, amputate my arm, but not the--

I've got-- I'm supposed to-- Oh, Warren, I nearly forgot. All junior Campers are excused to attend their patrol meeting. Um, Mrs. Krabappel, I'd like to stay, but this uniform carries certain responsibilities. Hey, look. Sergeant Dork! Ha-ha! Enjoy your test.

Wow! Hey! I don't want you reading those awful scandal sheets.

No! No! Lisa, it's not like you have a choice here. Bart! How many times have I told you not to bite your sist-- Wait a minute! You are a vampire!

J My jelly, i ii miss youJ J For nowJ J i justp J Hold goo JJ

Yee-haw! Doggy. Well, don't feel too bad for him, folks. He's in here for erecting a nativity scene on city property. There's so much evil in the world.

I don't have time for that. Welcome. I am honored to accept your waste. They're years ahead of us. Mom! Lise! Check it out. Dad's on TV.

Wow, Flanders. This is about the nicest thing anyone's ever done for me. Ooh, I guess it's time for me to duck again. No! I want everyone to know that... this is Ned Flanders, my friend! - What did he say? - I don't know. Something about being gay.

We've also arrested your older, balder, fatter son. I'm so embarrassed, I wish there was a hole I could just crawl into and die. Okay, throw her in the hole. Oh, please. It was just a figure of speech.

It's a cow, man.

Why are we stopping at my school, Mother? What does it say on that sign? I don't like your tone!

Except for Marge. Marge, you tested positive for crack and P.C.P. Oh, my!

My first day of college. I wish my father was alive to see this. Hey! How long have you been back there? Three days.

Surrender or prepare to be sunk. No way. We'll defy you to the death. Stroke, stroke, stroke. I'm rowing as fast as I can, sir. No-- I'm having one. Remember what I told you about running away from your troubles? Yeah.

Ned, since you've let me spend time with your family, I want you to get to know my family. Hey, everyone! Hey.

Ladies and gentlemen,

There's a stranger in the manger And his name is love Take it, Homer.

If I don't save the wee turtles, who will? Gah! Save me from the wee turtles! They were too quick for me! ahh!

Tonight, we'll visit Springfield's answer to the Benedictine monks--

(WHITE WEDDING PLAYING) It's a nice day for a white wedding It's a nice day to start again (LAUGHING MISCHIEVOUSLY) (MUSIC STOPS)

- I did it. - Wow ! All right ! Cool ! Way happenin', Bart !

Don't tell Mama what Mama don't like. Come here, you big lug. (BOTH LAUGHING) Wow. Mom and Dad sure are having fun.

Hmm. Bart, what's wrong? There's something a little off about your hug. Mom, I need to tell you something. I kind of-- Uh-uh! Uh-uh! Let me guess. A mother can always tell. Mm-mmm. Hmm. It's not fear of nuclear war. Mm-mmm. It's not swim test anxiety.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Take your medicine, ya lush, ya.

Uh, yes. How did that get down there? Come back to papa, baby.

Okay, okay, they're both great teams.

But I left a message on their answering machine. That's right. Um, okay. I've really, really, really learned my lesson. Can I please go now? Yeah, get out of my sight.

Ah! You wanna know what happened? Really?

Marge, this is everything I've ever dreamed of-- right here.

Dad, this one gesture almost makes up for years of shaky fathering. - Hey, look at me. - Whoa-ho. Bart, look. I will never get tired of this. I'm gonna have my wedding here.

Three, four, pick up the floor (SHUDDERS) (BELL RINGING) Time to go home, Bart. You don't understand. I can't go home. You got to give me detention. Look! I fed the gerbil coffee! Ah!

Okay, before I show you, who wants to guess how I got the money? Dealing drugs? Drugs? I'll have to say drugs too. Close, but you're way off.

All right! My bumper fell off! Not my fault. Act of God, act of God. Uh-oh. Uh-- Ahh!

The kids at school were even worse. Ew! You like The Monkees? You know they don't write their own songs. They do so! They don't even play their own instruments. No! No! That's not even Michael Nesmith's real hat.

I'm sorry! I gotta go! Oh, we've got a winning hand! We can take the rest of the tricks. Oh, you'd better be careful. The purpose of this game is to make friends. You don't make friends by winning.

Someone's in the Kitchen with Jesus. Mmm! These stigmuffins are to die for. Oh, if you like that, you should try Mary Magdalene's Chocolate Orgasm. Ooh, okay. Mmm!

Aw, give up, Home-boy. There's a six-stroke limit. I know, I know. I can still make this for five. Come on, baby. Please, please go in. Please. Doh ! Hi, Simpson. Having fun ?

Hey, you're right. And look at that one. It looks like a guy with a switchblade stuck in his back. Yeah, that one looks like a school bus... going over a cliff in flames, with kids inside screaming.

Traitors! Go on and have your pool! I'm fine by myself... right here.

I knew we should've sent them a muffin basket. Kang and Kodos Productions.

The dance floor's filling up with maniacs Let's rock Do the mental house rock Let's rock Do the mental house rock Whoa!

Homer, you already dialed. Oh. But on the other hand, when you don't take advantage of an opportunity, you can end up regretting it for the rest of your life. You're right, Marge. just like the time I could've met Mr. T. at the mall. The entire day, I kept saying, "I'll go a little later. I'll go a little later."

You got the dud! Hey, he looks just like you, Poindexter!

Selma, may I? Uh, uh, uh... on the cheek. Inspired by the love of a good woman...

Ahh! Get 'em off me! Get 'em off me! Get 'em off me!

Is there a word in Klingon for "loneliness." Ah, yes. Garl dack! Milhouse, I'm impressed.

Whoa. That isn't good. Stop the ride! I'll have to ask my supervisor.

Crap you've never even thought of. We've already got an informer working deep cover on your dad. One he'll never suspect. Is it Lenny? Damn it! I mean, no. (GRUNTS) Now, take that kid away.

Grampa, I know in your day spanking was common, but Homer and I just don't believe in that kind of punishment.

MARGE: What's all that racket?

What have I done? What have I done?

CAnyonero Hey, hey! The Federal Highway Commission... has ruled the Canyonero unsafe for highway or city driving. CAnyonero

Oh, you must be sick. Let's see. What's old Doc Washburn prescribe? Do you have dropsy? The grippe? Scrofula? The vapors? jungle rot? Dandy fever? Poor man's gout? Housemaid's knee? Climatic poopow? The staggers? Dum-dum fever?

Don't worry, boy. We're gonna set you straight. By tomorrow morning, you'll be a regular Burt Reynolds. What are you talking about, Homer? Where are we going? just a couple of good old-fashioned manly places, father and son. You're leaving the arm there too long. You want to make it worse?

Could you edit that last part? Mr. Simpson, we're live. D'oh! One plus one plus three is five Little Bart Simpson's buried alive He's so neat He's so sweet Now the rats have Bart to eat... Hey, stop that! Oh. Sorry, Lisa.

We're in the three bears' house!

Have you been eating that sandwich again? Sandwich.

All right. Listen. I am sick of your jokes about the wardrobe! You people can dress yourselves! Well, folks, he's got a point. Uh, with all our unscripted horseplay, we sometimes don't think about-- Lenny, are you watching this? - Yeah. They really hurt that guy's feelings. - I know!

There's one person I'd like to thank for this. We've had our ups and downs, but I can't imagine life without him. Bart Simpson. Way to go, Bart!

Mau! Didi mau! I'm getting a cramp in my wrist! Oh, boo-hoo. After all the times I've done it, my wrist sounds like a cement mixer.

The right person is anyone. But all I did was tell the truth. Of course you did. But there's the truth, and the truth! Let me show you.

just so there's no hard feelings, here's double your pay. - No, no, triple. - Thank you. - Mr. Sampson, can I give you a bit of advice ? - Sure. Don't turn your back on that boy for a second. Ain't that the truth ? You know, one time he-- Huh ?

Hey. Where is everybody? Hey. There's a bug that looks like Dad. Let's kill it. Okay.

Whoa! Stop it! Guys, I'm serious! No! Don't worry, Marge. We'll get your boy back. Excuse me. That better be decaf. The rim is orange, ain't it? Or does under-tipping make you color blind?

And you know how I feel about hellholes. Dad, you can't judge a place you've never been to. Yeah. That's what people do in Russia.

Sir, we've run into a serious problem with the mission. These Nielsen ratings are the lowest ever. Oh, my God! We've been beaten by "A Connie Chung Christmas"!

With Simpson merchandise selling like crazy, and Simpson Gin wetting whistles worldwide, the money was pouring in.

Cost us a bundle too. I guess we'll have an imagination Christmas this year. Yea! Imagination Christmas! I got a pogo stick. I got a hula hoop.

Ah! Do you work here, little boy? Yeah. Well, then, go right in, sir.

We might be able to do business.

Mama! They took my baby.

Good old Kitenge. Aaah!

Stupid family. Hey, Simpson. Look what I swiped from Try-N-Save.

Did you hear that, Bart? Maybe it was just the cat.

Show's over. Oh, Bart. I dreamed I was married to Corey and we lived on a pony farm and Corey was always walking around with his shirt off. Oh, brother.

Who's next? Ralph Wiggum? Whee! I'm a pop sensation. And I'm the mack daddy behind such groups as... New Kids in the Ditch and Boy-nudo.

I love happy endings.

I write this letter not to nag or whine, but to prod. We can better ourselves. Yeehaw! Well, most of us.

Hmm. Then I added some fins to lower wind resistance-- And this racing stripe here, I feel is pretty sharp.

and I can get you work in the entertainment industry. Hey! Hello. Selma Bouvier? It's Troy McClure. You may remember me from such dates as last night's dinner.

Hey, big spender. Why the change of heart ? Bea told me to enjoy my moola, and I'm going to, dagnabbit ! Huh. Yeah. Yeah.

Oh, no. You poor thing. Here. Ow! Son of a--

Bye-bye, Neddy. All right, Homer.

(GROANING) Everyone chickened out. Except Ralph. He got poached by the Chicago Tribune. I guess we're down to just me.

not till you're 15

Actually, Luann, I don't really know anything about you. Forget it! She's gone! Presto change-o! Kaboom! Sweet Fanny Adams! Bye-bye!

I can't believe my mom would cheat. Hi, sweetie. Is Mom winning? Oh, she'll win the contest, but she'll lose her soul. But she'll still win the contest? And lose her soul. But win the contest? Yes.

I knew we shouldn't have put a fireplace in the bedroom.

Now, wait a minute!

All right, boys, set your nightsticks on whomp. Uh, mine's stuck on twirl.

Yes? Oh, sorry, I must have the wrong house. That's where you're wrong, friend. Today's our tithe day and we've got ourselves a transient. Come in, my friend. Let us feed and bathe you. Hey, wait a minute. Dad, can I anoint the sores on his feet? I think it's Mom's turn, son. Oh, no fair.

Don't be a sap, Dad. These are just crappy knock-offs. I know a genuine Panaphonics when I see it. And look, there's Magnetbox and Sorny. I'm not going to lie to you. Those are all superior machines. But if you like to watch your TV, and I mean really watch it, you want the CarnivalÉ.

Well, this has been terrific. Let's do it again sometime. Are you standing up to get me to leave? It's from the book. Hey, I'm not a time burglar. "Memo to self: Lock door." All right, I'll go. You don't have to be a jerk about it. "Memo to self: Shut up, Lisa."

Take that! An open letter to the people of Springfield.

Come on, Maggie, it's Miller time. Yes, it's Miller time. Homer! Oh, my father gave me beer as a child... till I wrapped my little red wagon around a tree.

Hey, Salvatore, guess who's here! Mr. Kookalamanza and-a some real ugly kid.

- Wouldn't know. We only get basic cable. - Ouch. Yeah, I also like that Sex in the City. Huh! None of those girls look like my wife. Sports Center's not bad. Yeah. I never got that show. What's to get? They just tell the scores. Yeah, I suppose.

Hmm? Mrs. Marge Simpson. I'm here to teach an art class. Ooh, art class. La-di-da. This is Ike Pross. He's going to solitary. Ooh, solitary. La-di-da.

Aw, look at that cute, little baby ax. It's cute, but I'm sure it's very sharp and probably dirty.

Now, Marge, honey. Honey, honey. Come on. Come on. Don't get upset. It's not the end of the world. We all loved that quilt, but you can't get too attached to-- My cookie !

Oh, my God! What?

Ladies and gentlemen, we've just lost the picture, but what we've seen speaks for itself. The Corvair spacecraft has apparently been taken over-- conquered, if you will-- by a master race of giant space ants. It's difficult to tell from this vantage point whether they will consume the captive Earthmen...

Use your main finger on the yellow side and your other finger... on the orange side, and turn it. My main finger? You gotta start backwards! - Alternate corners. - One at a time! Spin the middle side topwise. Topwise!

Why? Why was I programmed to feel pain? Technocrats are learning a lesson in humility tonight, as angel supporters lay waste to Springfield's scientific institutions. Ugh! I wish I'd never found those stupid bones! It's time to put an end to this. Bart, I'm borrowing your blue crowbar. Good ol' Blue-y.

For the love of God, sir! There are two seats! I like to put my feet up.

I'm sorry, Gary. There's no longer a place for you here. What you talkin' about, Miss Nagel? That is so adorable. You're rehired. Sucker! I knew exactly what she was talkin' about.

And now... kidz Newz. Marge, the kids are on. The monkey's on my part of the sofa. Honey, he's clearly marked his territory. We'll bring you more...

Wake up, you lousy drunk!

I can't believe my little boy is already going on his first date.

Hey, where is everybody?

Evergreen Terrace. Paris! Just like you always dreamed. Terrace. Evergreen Terrace. The street that smells like pee.

Your job is to take the bullet. Go! Go, go, go! - Pow! - No!

Dad, I have some questions about women. Uh, can't you see I'm readin' the, uh, cultural calendar? Ooh! "Mostly Mozart" is in town. Homer, Bart's at a very curious age. As his father, I think you should have a frank and earthy discussion about...

Mmm, I don't know, Bart. You're only 10. I've got a weekend job helping the poor, and I'm only eight. That's not a job. It's a waste of time. What can poor people pay you? Nothin'! What satisfaction do you get from helping them? None! Who wants to help poor people anyway? Nobody!

to the American Hypnotical Association. But I did a good job... a good job. I guess it's not your fault. You did a good job. Mattingly! I told you to trim those sideburns. Go home! You're off the team! For good! Fine.

That damn hypnotist! You! Look what you've done. My starting pitcher thinks he's a chicken. I'm going to report this to the American Hypnotical Association. But I did a good job... a good job. I guess it's not your fault. You did a good job.

Just think about it. You'll win her yet, Artie. I mean, uh, Arr-tie. Hey, where's our parents?

I still think they're the best tater tots money can buy. Mmm-- Wait a minute. It smells like sodium tetrasulfate bonding with chlorophyll.

Look. What if we gave you the name of an unlicensed surgeon? Oh, that would be heaven. Say-- Moe Szyslak? That's right. I'm a surgeon.

That's piano! I said "pian-eel" J; You, play the "cell-ee"l You, sing a song about cattle rustling.

Does anyone know where all my dinner plates went? Um-- You probably left 'em at work. On another topic, guess who was picked to host the next N.R.A. get-together?

Right from the start I had a bad feeling about that gig. it was an evening none of them would ever forget. Or would they? No.

Well? Well, what? Did you read the book? Oh. Yes. Did you like it? I did.

And I'm starting to think that his mind is no longer in mint condition. You broke my Batmobile! Broke, or made it better?

I'm gonna call the newspapers, the TV stations, the gas stations, everybody!

- Uh... not to my knowledge. - Liar!

I'm Mr. X! Gimme! Gimme! We'll need some proof. Ta-da He is Mr. X! Ha! Thank you, folks. And now I'm off to expose more secret conspiracies and-- Oh, I bit my tongue!

You dunderheaded stooges are the worst bunch of-- Hey! Pretty good, huh? Well, it's better than that last Barbra Streisand movie. I didn't quite get the point of it. Why would Lenny want someone to saw his legs off?

Texas. I like the way you think.

Poor Selma. You were having... such a lovely evening... And then I went and spoiled it all by doing something stupid like explode you sideshow Bob, I'm afraid the only victims here... Are the good people at best western hotels. Bart!

That oughta hold the little S.O.B.s. Gabbo, quiet.

Sorry. Excuse me. Hey, Norman, how's it goin' ?

just fill out this form, and you're on your way to the reserve. There's a question that's crossed out. Well, due to a recent presidential order, we're not allowed to ask that particular question. Oh, I think I can make it out. "Are you a homosex--" Oh, for God's sake, don't answer that. I could go to jail. But I'm not a ho--

You know who's nice? No. Who? That Ralph Wiggum boy. He's a real winner. You would know. Bart, you don't have to go anywhere today. I've got a surprise for you. What? I scheduled a playdate. A what? With who?

You sure do. "Wife: Marjorie. Children: Bartholomew, Lisa"-- Aha! See? This thing is all screwed up! Who the heck is Margaret Simpson? Uh, your youngest daughter. "Uh, your youngest daughter." Well, how about this? This thing says my mother's still alive!

Hello ? Dr. Hibbert ? This is Marge Simpson.

You look a little nervous, Dad. No, you look a little nervous, Lisa. You're up to something aren't you? No! I'm just going out to commit certain deeds. Suckers.

Well, will you at least permit us to live in your socialist paradise? You're talking about Cuba? Exactly. All we ask is preferential treatment because of my fabulous wealth. May I see? See with your eyes, not with your hands. Please, we are all amigos here.

What a terrible waste. Hi! I'm actor Troy McClure. You might remember me from such driver's ed films... as Alice's Adventures Through the Windshield Glass... and The Decapitation of Larry leadfoot.

D'oh! This is a great invention. Watch. We got a great big convoy Rocking through the night We got a great big convoy Ain't she a beautiful sight? Convoy Quit it, Dad! Hey, good-looking,

Just some network executives.

Yes. Nurse, cancel my 1:00. Homer, I'm afraid you'll have to undergo a coronary bypass operation. Say it in English, Doc. You're going to need open-heart surgery. Spare me your medical mumbo jumbo. We're going to cut you open and tinker with your ticker.

What've we got? Ray jay johnson. Oy! Yi-yi-yi- yi-yi-yi-yi! Now, boys, the network has a problem with some of your lyrics. Would you mind changing 'em for the show? Forget you, clown. Hey, our lyrics are like our children, man. No way. Well, okay. But here, where you say,

I'm beginning to think this alumni party was just a ruse to get our money.

This Civil War cannon has been fully restored... and is in ready-to-fire condition. But it's a good thing we're not firing it,

Hey, that got her goin' ! Bitchin' !

Wait. I've got a good one now. Marge, say "Stay away from my son" again. No!

What'll it be, boys? Just three X's for me. Give me five. This ain't no five-X whiskey. I can still see. That barkeep's a no-good cheat! Cheat?

I'd like you to meet-- Aah! It's Sideshow Bob! What the..?

I wonder what it could be. Hmm... Count me in. I'm there. Come here, boy. I want to show you something.

(LAUGHING MISCHIEVOUSLY) This prank is my Sgt. Pepper's. I see neither blushing bride nor ardent swain!

I can't believe Mr. Burns reserved the entire museum just for an office party. It doesn't seem fair to the regular visitors.

Yeah. Maybe this means the end of our wacky adventures. Guess what, everyone! My Great-uncle Boris died... and left us his old country house! There's only one catch. They say it's haunted. But I'm sure we can prove 'em wrong by spending the weekend there.

French it up, lover boy! I'm not a machine. I can't just turn it on! Oh! Come here. (MOANS) (GROANS) Now pull over! First, raise my allowance. Why, you little... (TIRES SCREECHING) (CHOKING)

I am? Whoo-hoo! That a boy, Homer. You can do it.

Any other nominations ? We nominate Bart Simpson ! Speech ! Speech ! I had a speech ready, but my dog ate it. Children ! Bart, I need someone very reliable... to deliver an important message to the principal's office.

Me! This may not be the top, but it's as close as a Simpson's ever gonna get. This is for you, Son.

this one ranks somewhere in the middle. You're 38 years old, you don't know how to box, and you haven't gotten any exercise since grade school. Before you even consider this, I insist you consult a doctor.

Thank you, Superdude. A nonprofit organization with oil? I won't allow it! An oil well doesn't belong in the hands of Betsy Bleeding Heart and Maynard G. Muskievote.

nobody's gonna mess me around hey, Satan, payin' my dues playin' in A Rockin' band hey, mama, look at me Shh!

Uh, Pa, I cut myself on the screen door again. Why, you cotton-pickin'-- Hey! No. I gotta pass this class for my kids. Son, let's stop the fussin' and the feudin'.

Uh-oh. Tape must've fallen off. There. Problem solved.

I met a really nice exotic dancer the other night at Hugh's bachelor party. - Hugh didn't have a bachelor party. - We had one in his honor. I had one in his honor. I went to a strip club. Well, here goes nothing.

My God! That's it!

Bart, you're wreckin' it ! Let go ! I worked forever on this !

or I'll suck your blood! - Bleh! Bleh! - Bart, stick to the script. Don't be a jerk. You're the jerk. You're the jerk! I know you have all gone to a lot of trouble to meddle in my affairs,

Whew! That was close. Thank God it landed in that smoking crater! Huh? Take him into custardy, boys! Hah! Attempted murder one. Now, boys, what would you say to some Belgian waffles? Actually, I was in the mood for some frittatas.

Spoon. They say he carved it himself from a bigger spoon.

And I answer to no one. Hmm? Well, then you'll want to stock up on our new superhero. Would you say he's the ultimate superhero? Oh, very ultimate indeed. Point your peepers at Biclops! A superhero with glasses!

Amen! Baboons to the left of me, baboons to the right.

As I once said at the Battle of Khe Sanh, "I surrender." We are gathered together today to join Seymour and Edna in holy matrimony. Does anyone present know any reason why these two should not be wed?

I think they're running out of tomatoes. Yeah, but they still got plenty of pumpkins.

ANNOUNCER: The Talbot Report with Chloe Talbot.

It's a nice day for a white wedding It's a nice day to start again (LAUGHING MISCHIEVOUSLY) (MUSIC STOPS)

Now you’re just making up rules. Who made you Judge Judy and executioner? Dad, where are you going? Kids, sometimes when a daddy learns that a mommy always hated him...

The students are over-stimulated. Willie, remove all the colored chalk from the classrooms. I warned ya! Didn't I warn ya? That colored chalk was forged by Lucifer himself! The Itchy and Scratchy Show

You call this melted cheese receptacle clean? The young man you replaced is rolling over in his grave. You don't have to do this. Yes, I do. You see, Lisa grown-ups have a thing called money... Dad, I understand the sacrifice you've made for me. That's why I gave up the pony. You did?

Hey, look. It's little Bart's fire truck. Little Lisa's sweater. Little Homer's sausage. What in the name of holy hell is going on here? Oh, it's true. We weren't robbed. That part we made up, but the rest is true.

Yeah. Krusty doesn't want to be a clown. He's happy just being another blue-collar bozo. Meh! Krusty's tired of having phonies around, pretending to be his friends. I'm sure he'll find plenty of people who'll like him for who he is. Uh, it could happen.

Well, there are rocks, thousands and thousands of rocks. I've got rocks that need washing at home.

Hey-hey! Hey-hey! Hey-hey!

Being a jerk. Minus a million points! D'oh! One more wrong answer,

We should report this to an Omnitouch care rep. People's privacy is at stake. Great. I'm gonna eat mayonnaise.

Wait. Rhinos don't come from eggs. What did you just see, Lisa? I know, but-- - What did you just see? - Hmph.

Bart! Huh. Where are ya, boy? - Oops. - Aha! There ya go! Now, that's not so bad, is it?

Now I'll have more time to read things I find on the ground. "La-tex Con-dom." Boy, I'd like to live in one of those!

Yea, Krustys! Hey-hey! Grazie, grazie. You have brought great joy to this old Italian stereotype. No, no, Don Vittorio. You're not-- Yes, I am. I know it. I am.

They're attacking again. I thought we had a truce. Just because you keep saying it doesn't make it so. Oh, my word. Eat this!

Aw, geez. And you got the stink lines and everything?

Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Quit your complaining. Do you know what this means? He is alive. Ooh, you're right, Smithers. I guess I owe you a Coke. And as for you, you clinking, clattering cacophony... of collagenous cogs and camshafts, take... that!

- You, food bag, do you have a son? - Yes, sir, I do. And is he a constant disappointment? Does he bring home nitwits and make you talk to them? Oh, all the time. Have you ever heard of this kid Milhouse? He's a little wiener who-- Fascinating. Good night. Dad, what's with you tonight? I mean, I'm getting frostbite over here.

well-known for its high levels of bliss. I don't know about you, but they're not exactly winning me over... with these lousy production values here. I'm gonna slip out. You're free to leave whenever you want, but would you mind telling us why? Oh, I just didn't, uh-- I didn't think, um--

Yeah, but- Okay. Oh! That Lenny sure had a crazy apartment.

Lousy "Smarch" weather.

Because the thing is, um, mine didn't. Oh, my God, Ned! Yes, Marge? Reverend, I gave Ned Flanders some bad advice.

We're gay. We're glad. But don't tell Mom and Dad. Wouldn't it be great if that man and woman got together? Cool! It's Lesbians of the Caribbean! Yo, ho, ho It's an alternative lifestyle for me

i'd buy you a diamond ring

Uh, Dad, that's his crotch. Oh, sorry.

It's one of their proudest traditions. You sold us out, Conover!

Wow! I've never seen Dad hit somebody like that before. What are you talking about? - Isn't Dad the one in the black trunks? - No. - Uh-oh. - What? What? What am I missing? What? And there's Tatum showboating for the crowd.

Wait a minute. I'm not wearing a shirt. J;

Hmm. Hey. Aaah! Lisa, look out! A skeleton!

Okay, honey. Remember where we're parked. - May I have some more lima beans, please? - Certainly. - More than that. - Certainly.

Well, this is it, Edna. As I once said at the Battle of Khe Sanh, "I surrender." We are gathered together today to join Seymour and Edna in holy matrimony.

(BEEPING) (INSTRUMENTS PLAYING) (PLAYING DIFFERENT TUNE) (TIRES SCREECHING)

Listen, Aldrin. I'm not as laid-back as people think. Now here's the deal. I'm gonna play, and you're gonna float there and like it. When you're down and troubled And you need a helping hand and nothing

I can't believe it! We won another contest. The Simpsons are going to Delaware! I wanna see Wilmington! - I wanna visit a screen door factory. - Yep.

And only then do we find out that Professor Galloway's half-sister... is plotting to take over International Perfume and Wine. He just gave away a year's worth of story lines. Cut him off... now.

You've seen the movie. Now meet a real-life Noah. Only this Noah has been accused of killing two of every animal.

What? Why? In these days of rising health care costs, blah, blah, blah, lip service, lip service. Get out! (EMPLOYEES GASP) This must be the nasty surprise he mentioned in the invitation. - (UNINTELLIGIBLE ANGRY CHATTER) - No! This sucks! Get him!

It's time for ABC's T.G.I.F. lineup.

Boo! Oh, boo yourself. Here we are, kids. The Watergate. Hey!

Thank you for coming. Thank you for getting me out of work. I'll be blunt. Bart's latest escapade... goes far beyond the realm of the high jink. There. Now the floor is as good as new.

I don't know how to tell you this, but...

Defense! Defense! Come on! You call that blowing?

I'll understand if you want to sleep on the couch tonight.

Hey, what the hell's going on? Where'd you get those cloaks? Silence! You're talking too loud.

Would you guys do a favor for a guy in love? - Sure. - Yeah. That's why we're here.

Okay. Then came the day that changes every couple forever: the day we got our elephant. Huh? Whoa-ho-ho-ho!

Pucker up, Ned.

There doesn't seem to be any "Any" key. Whew! All this computer hacking is making me thirsty. I think I'll order a Tab.

It's what shows up on the surface that counts. That's what my mother taught me. Take all your bad feelings and push them down. All the way down, past your knees, until you're almost walking on them. And then you'll fit in, and you'll be invited to parties,

I said step, pause, turn, pause, pivot, step, step, not step, pause, turn, pause, pivot, step, pause! Ooh! Shudder!

Oh, well, of course everything looks bad if you remember it. Now, where are my chili boots?

(GRUNTS) (HUMMING) Huh? (SNORING) Hey, cat, get your own pants! (GRUNTS) Kids! Why's the cat so fat? Dad, Snowball's not fat. She's just got winter fur. (GRUNTS) Okay, she's fat.

Geez! What happened to you, Wiggum? You look terrible. Yeah, never mind how I look. Are you gonna give me the money or not? Well, I don't think so. You don't even have a trigger on that thing. Yeah, I had to sell the trigger and most of the handle to feed my family. Come on! Give me the dough! I can throw this pretty hard! Poor Wiggum. Poor Wiggum. I'll bet you really hate Rex Banner, huh?

Hmm, I guess I've done everything. By now you've seen what Rancho Relaxo has to offer but remember, we can't tell you how to have a good time.

Don't hog it all, smelly head! Go to hell, zit face! Give me that sugar!

Now, you children may not know it, but there was once an evil witch, and she died a horrible death. These are her eyes. Eww! And this is her hair.

And, Lisa, for your-- essay, "jebediah Springfield: Super-Fraud," "F." But it's all true. This is nothing but... dead-white-male bashing from a P.C. thug. It's women like you who keep the rest of us from landing a husband.

I'm wailing out for the homeless family living out of its car. The Iowa farmer whose land has been taken away by unfeeling bureaucrats. The West Virginia coal miner, coughing up--

But, Marge, I want to see my brother. Oh, for God's sakes, Homer, it's an empty threat. Oh. Doh ! Did you know you were going-- Oh ! Sorry, sir. I didn't know it was you. That's okay. Carry on.

People, please. It's a school night. I thought you two broke up. (SCOFFS) This means nothing. Yes, yes. You've made that quite clear.

Good-bye, my wife. Good-bye, Homer.

For all their disposable income, for all their leisure time, they had no immunity against God's lowliest creatures, children.

Now they'll never save your brain, Hitler.

It smells funny in there. No, it doesn't.

A media circus. Woo-hoo! I don't know the difference. LISA: ABC, CBS. Uh-oh. The Christian Science Monitor has a flat tire. I'll get the spare. No. We must wait for God to jack us. In Springfield today, a sex scandal has brought in reporters from around the world.

And thank you for sending Lisa to protect us from the bug you sent. And please make Lisa tell us a bedtime story... about robots named Rod and Todd. Amen.

I've been racking my brain, trying to think of something to cut from the budget.

And-- I'll come back later. I need to purchase a brassiere. You kids wait over here in the credit department. Oh, can't we just wander around and meet you back here later? Mmm, okay. Just be careful.

I'd rather drink A beer than Win father of the year I'm happy with things the way they are I'm getting used to never getting noticed I'm stuck here till I can steal A car

(SCREAMING) You know, Black Dracula is now a Congressman from Virginia. (HUMMING) Bart, where did you get those?

Don't worry, Son. I'll handle this. Come on. Why won't you go out with Bart? He's a smelly, ugly dork! Please, "ugly" is such a smelly word. Who would you rather go out with?

People, stop, stop! We're not animals! Take that!

Ah, the last one. D-oh! As an attack dog you'll be expected to neutralize intruders. Want to buy some cookies?

Uh-oh. All the lights are out. You better get the entire force working on this. But, Chief, we are the entire force. Okay. We gotta start recruiting, Lou.

Whoa! A baby on the table! That's good luck! Yea!

What is the center of the circulatory system? It's the heart. The heart? You mean like Principal Skinner's, which you broke? What do you care? You hate Principal Skinner. Meh. Bro's before ho's. Nelson! I'll see you after class.

I don't want to go to school today! Oh, for God's sake! Contraband! Whoo, comfy. Homer, we got an enemy sub, closing in fast. What do we do? I don't know.

Ooh ! Krusty, would you please turn your attention to Exhibit B. Uh-- Tell me what you see.

It doesn't seem to matter now. So the following people are gay. - Turn it off. - just a second.

What are you kids laughing at? And if you say Jimmy Fallon, I'll know you're lying. (GASPS) Scantily clad co-eds? Why, you little... (GRUNTS) (GAGS) To have a libido... Dad, look who's in there. (GASPS) Flanders?

To love our country is no chore Wait right here for our encore (CROWD CHEERING) We mean it, don't move! (ALL LAUGHING)

YOu-- Oh! I'm gonna get that stupid-- Oh, no. It's gettin' dark.

the downstairs bathtub-- You gonna be needing those things in Cypress Creek? Yes. Oh. Uh-- Okilly-dokilly-- Okilly-dokilly! Bye-didilly-eye!

I'm surprised they bothered to move it when they moved the town. Oh, I can explain that. You see--

teeth marks in the trunk. On the plus side, there doesn't seem to be any frame damage. This check should take care of everything. Thank you so much. Mrs. Simpson ? I'm Leo G. Clark, inventor, owner and operator of Truckasaurus. Let me just say that, well, Truckasaurus feels very badly... about what happened, and everyone here at Team Truckasaurus...

I'm warning you, Mom. I may get a little crazy. I understand, honey. When I was your age, there was a-- Hey, horse face! Get your ugly pie-hooks off that Summer Fun Set!

chief justice of the Supreme Court. If I fail, the best he could do... is judge at a Mr. Tight Buns competition. I can't let that happen. I won't let that happen. And I can't let that happen.

So long, su-- Aah!

and let us all bask in television's warm, glowing, warming glow. Live from Broadway, it's the Tony Awards with your hosts Tyne Daly and Hal Linden. Homer, change channel. Can't. Frozen.

Elway takes the snap and runs it in for a touchdown! Thanks to Elway's patented last-second magic, the final score of Super Bowl xxx-- Denver, 7. San Francisco, 56. Whoo-hoo! I don't think this is such a good idea. This isn't just because of Sideshow Bob.

I'm the president of the United States, and I demand to know what's going on here. Happy birthday, Mr. President.

Now, keep your head down. Ignore all distractions. Miss! Miss? Do you have a Chanel suit, or any other high-quality clothes?

(FLOOR CREAKING) Okay. Mother's Day gift check. Let's see what you got. I picked Mom a bouquet of Erigeron elatiors. Daisies. Flowers!

Lisa, you took out a restraining order against your own brother?

Oop. Is your name Bart? Mm-hmm.

Welcome to my nightmare. I knew you had your hands full with the babies,

Huh? Everyone should be able to choose their faith. Just like I chose Buddhism. Buddhism? Well, I guess lots of kids have imaginary friends. I'll ignore that. In fact, I'm gonna help you. I have a pretty good idea where they are. We can't lose Bart now that we're so close.

Mrs. Simpson, there's no physical reason... why your hair should be falling out. This thing has me buffaloed. Phone call, Mrs. Simpson-- Lines one and two. Ma, I need a glass of milk. Me too. I think the problem may be stress.

You'd better run, egg.

Psst ! Pass it on ! So, Mister, what are we doin' here anyway ? I wonder where Bart is. Yeah. It's way past 1500 hours.

What ? But-But yesterday, didn't you say it would be cool... to cut off the head, and really cheese everybody off ?

Rabbi, should I buy a Chrysler? Could you rephrase that as an ethical question? Um... is it right to buy a Chrysler? Yes-- for great is the car with power steering and Dyna-Flo suspension. Papa? When I grow up, can I be a clown?

I hate the public so much. If only they'd elect me, I'd make 'em pay. Oh, Moe, how do I make 'em like me?

I wish I was a hero. Well, wishing won't make it so. You gotta pull up your diaper, get out there... and be the best damn Barney you can be. Here I come, world!

Oh, thank God. The dog's here. Pull me free, boy. Don't be scared. You can do it. Hey! Where you going? I'm your pal. I took you for a walk once.

Oh, I'm sorry. I have been spending too much time at the casino. I'll be around more from now on. Does this mean you'll help me with my costume? Oh, sure, honey. I promise. Thanks, Mom. Mmm. Aw, just like on TV.

Would you like something to eat ? I got dried apricots, almond paste, sauerkraut candy--

Three, four, pick up the floor Five, six, don't play tricks Seven, eight, clean your plate Nine, ten, start over again! Look, Maggie. Funny Daddy!

You should go on a diet. Why, you little... (CHOKING) (DOORBELL RINGING) Save my place. Why you little... (CHOKING)

Oh, no! This looks like the end.

Although I will miss the jury room cold cuts.

Nice work, Lisa. Thanks, Julio. I love you as a blond. Oh, you do? Oh, God, Lisa, if I was an eight-year-old straight boy... I swear to God, I'd be so holding your hand right now.

Mustn't sleep. Must monitor core. Hello? I called to say I love you. Thanks. When is she going to stop loving me?

Mr. Simpson, please, will you go home? If I can have this rubber stick.

and drink naught but burning-hot cola. Where fiery demons will punch me in the back, where my soul will be chopped into confetti... and strewn upon a parade of murderers and single mothers, where my tongue will be torn out by ravenous birds. Bart did it! That Bart right there!

Shazbot. Hey! We stayed for your kids! The dark lord Montymort!

You know, lots of church types started off as rotten wee buggers. St. Augustine himself got his start stealing pears. Stealing pairs of what? Hubcaps, Reeboks, human eyes? It's all in here. See for yourself. Cool! Sister Thomasina, I've taken the liberty of knocking the vinegar out of him.

How low can I go? That's it. Gee, Bart, maybe you're right. They don't even seem to care that it's medication time. Medication time? Hot dog! Gimme, gimme, gimme! But I've set you free.

Bart's gay? Bart? Uh-- Whoo! Wrong file.

Shred it! Shred it! Extra gloves. Extra gloves. Mushroom bonus. Reload. How will we get Bart to take these? It's all about trust, honey. Ow! Knock it off!

the American flag doesn't contain the word "jordache." But you know, if they run this up the flagpole, I'll salute. I'm Bart Simpson. Hmm. Thank you, Bart, for yet another touching Bart's People.

Oh, great. Dad's dead.

(DOORBELL RINGING) There it is! The thing that makes us respect Bart. (ALL EXCLAIM IN WONDER) You guys are just in time. My dad's about to tell me something important about our robot. Uh... I just installed a chip that makes it 10% more bloodthirsty.

Oh, great! Anyone have a paper clip?

(SCREAMS) "Dear Bart, if this robot doesn't prove I love you, "then you can both go to hell." (GRUNTS) Hey, it didn't fall apart. Cool! Now stop!

From your gleaming mess hall to your hallowed baseball field Your spick-and-span infirmary where all our wounds are healed hail to thee kamp krusty

Hey, Moe. Whatsa matter? You no talka with your accent no more.

Hello. I'm retired heavyweight boxer Gerry Cooney. Welcome to Mr. Burns's Casino. If there's anything I can do to make your visit more enjoyable, please let me know. Yeah, great. See ya! Uh, don't forget to apply for... our V.I.P. Platinum Club for special discounts on-- Hey! I said bug off!

A Bible park without beer? Now I've seen everything!

potential, dreams for the future.

What's that, Bill? The KBBL Prize Posse! Damn dirty ape! If our Wampum Wagon spots your KBBL Party Penguin, you'll win $40! Did ya hear that, pengy? $40! Hey! There's the Wampum Wagon!

Lady, this better be good.

We have notes. Have you thought about Dave Chappelle? Destroy! Okay, everybody. Say "funny." Funny!

Don't look at me! My father was a stewardess. Marge, there's nothing to be ashamed of here. Today, male flight attendants, or "stewards," are common.

All right. Way to go. Aw, nuts. Please, please, please. Clemens, did I make the team? You sure did. I did? Whoo-hoo! Whoo-hoo! In your face, Strawberry. Are you Ken Griffey jr.? No. Didn't mean to get your hopes up. Oh...

- JJ - Yeah! But there's lots of other fun instruments, like bass. I hope you wont judge the entire Brian Setzer Orchestra by my actions. Rock and roll is supposed to be about peace and love. - Who said that? - Will you stop saying that? - Simpson! - S h h _

Oh, well, that makes sense. What will they think of next, blue pages? They have those. They're government listings. I see. Uh, what about two-cent stamps? Pizza pie is very hot these days.

Ah, they stole the balloon! I've been living in there! Well, just, you know, just till things pick up. Oh, Lord, my hot plate. I only had two payments left. Okay, i think i figured this thing out. You go up and down, but not side to side, or back in time.

Do you really think so ? My high school art teacher hated them. What ? The man was a fool ! But still, one must admire the force of his conviction. Then I'm in the class ? Oh, my dear, there couldn't be a class without you. Now, if you'll excuse me, nature calls. Marvelous !

and you're damned if you don't. Well, I guess that would be a paradox too. Thank you, Bart. Whew ! Tell you what, Bart. I'll trade you the weight of a bowling ball... on the eighth moon of jupiter from my lunch...

A fake I.D.? Cool! And it's our ticket to the best spring break of our lives! One adult and two children, please. I can think of at least two things wrong with that title.

D'oh! Ow! My brain!

It's dignity! Gah! Don't you even know dignity when you see it? - Kirk, you're spitting! - Okay, genius, why don't you draw dignity?

Thanks for helping me out. You're a stand-up babe.

Don't worry. I have a plan. I saw this in a movie about a bus that had to speed around the city... keeping its speed over 50. And if its speed dropped, it would explode. I think it was called The Bus that Couldn't Slow Down. First, I hook this common VCR...

Buck Henderson, Union Buster,

Come on, Homer. I want you to see what your sick little girl did. My quilt ! Six generations, ruined !

Maggie, I'm about to unveil my centerpiece to the family. It's a tribute to the trailblazing women who made our country great. See ? There's Georgia O'Keeffe, Susan B. Anthony. And this is Marjorie Stoneman Douglas. I'm sure you haven't heard of her,

I don't think you're ever gonna get another job and be able to pay me back. Oh. Don't worry. We're still friends. I fall to pieces All you all right, Homer ? I'm fine. I'm just thinking.

See? (GASPS) (IN FEMALE VOICE) "Oh, Homer. You're wasting away to nothing. "You simply must eat something." (IN NORMAL VOICE) Well, you're the boss! (IN FEMALE VOICE) "Oh! I love to see my man eat!"

No, sir. Please don't tell Mama. They called you a pig, Sheriff. Well, I don't care what they call me... as long as they play "Fist of Rage." That's a good song.

Yep, this place is great. Someday, when Lisa and Bart get married, it'll all be theirs. Yuck! You mean when they marry other people. Okay, but I ain't payin' for two weddin's.

Cool. Even this menu is made of meat. It's an entire chicken pounded flat. How clever. The kids' menu is on the beak. Hmm, I think I'll take-- oh, that one. No. He's a bit listless, isn't he? Give me-- ooh, that spirited fellow.

Help! I can't breathe! Oh! Apu!

I've gone back to the time... when dinosaurs weren't just confined to zoos!

Homer, it's really coming down. Could you check on the boys ? They're fine.

You are on your-- Fifth. mortgage. Hey, Lisa, check out my new computer. Dad, you shouldn't drag that around. That's right. Top of the line.

You danced for hours just because they told you to? If I didn't, I'd lose their respect. Huh? Check it out, Homer. I'm flyin' this thing. Get it away from the house! Wanna go for a ride? Can I, Marge? Can I? Yes, go. just go.

Come on, Maggie. Maybe if you just squeeze a little. That's it. That's it. I-- D'oh! Okay, okay. Think, Homer. The dog.

Hello. I'm Kent Brockman. Our top stories tonight: a tremendous explosion in the price of lumber; President Reagan dies-- his hair, says Gary Trudeau in his new musical comedy revue. But first, let's check the death count... from the killer storm bearing down on us like a shotgun full of snow. Well, Kent, as of now, the death count is zero,

Still, it would've been nice to bring home at least one paycheck. Oh, you will, honey. You will. $300 for doing nothing? I feel like such a crook.

There's nary an animal alive that can outrun a greased Scotsman. Now, out we go. 'Tis more dizzyin' than the belfry at St. Corgegluynwaagen's.

All our financial plans are ruined. We're doomed. Doomed, I tells ya! Bart! Let your father tell the story. Yeah.

Hey, wolfie, put down that hors d'oeuvre. It's time for the main course!

and they've asked me to select an outstanding student to be anchorchild. Oh, my gosh! Today's top story-- Little girl on cloud nine as dream comes true. Lisa, I've selected you to be that child anchor. I know. I already jumped to that conclusion. Hmm. All right. If you're so smart, tell me who I selected to be lunchroom monitor.

Son, I know it hurts. I still remember my first lifetime banning.

And for you fat kids, my exclusive program of diet and ridicule... will really get results. And the best part is, when you come to Kamp Krusty, you'll spend the summer with me! Honest Injun!

Why you throwing tomatoes at yourself, huh? Why you throwing tomatoes at yourself? Your very question is faulty. You're faulty! Knock, knock.

So, another Friday is upon us. What will you be doing, Smithers?

Spend your children's college funds! Thaw that turkey now! This is Kent Brockman reporting live from downtown Springfield, where overweight doomsayer Homer Simpson is predicting the world will end next Wednesday. Homer, what turned you from sad drunk to mad monk? Funny story, Kent. It's the end of the world!

And as an adult, you'll be needing comprehensive insurance. I'll just leave these brochures. So how can I get my shirts in stores? I bet you could find a distributor at the Springfield Novelty Expo. That's right! It's tomorrow!

Well, at least I can't sink any lower. Come back, diaper. Come back. Hi, Ma.

The superintendent's gonna need his medication

I'm telling you I saw a creature from another planet. Maybe you just dreamed it. Oh, yeah? When I came to, I was covered with a sticky translucent goo. Explain that. More sausage?

Uh, sir. What is it, Smithers? I'm afraid all those players have retired and, uh, passed on. In fact, your right fielder has been dead for 130 years. Damnation! Find me some good players-- living players.

Now, calm down. I'm perfectly safe. Murder's illegal in this state.

Oh. I never thought I'd have to do this again. Reverend Lovejoy! You've gotta help me. My entire family has been taken in by the evil Movementarians.

If you need proof of my identity I wrote my name on my underwear. Oh, wait-- these aren't mine. Until you get a license and wear your own underwear you are suspended without pay. Who will drive the bus? I drove an all-terrain vehicle in Da Nang. I think I can handle it.

My father was a rabbi. His father was a rabbi. His father's father... Well, you get the idea. My father was the most respected man in the lower East Side of Springfield. People would come from miles around to ask his advice.

How ironic. Now he's blind, after a life of enjoying being able to see. Well, it wasnt easy, honey. But I'm glad you love me again. - Yeah. But whets gonna happen to the animals? - Dont worry, honey.

That's exactly the teamwork we'd like to showcase at this year's energy convention.

Look, Smithers, a twitch. It's moving! It's alive!

Look, Big Daddy, it's regular Daddy.

Don't forget me! Don't worry, Homer. You'll always be a part of me. D'oh!

Arr. 'Tis some kind of treasure map. - You idiot, you can't read. - Aye, 'tis true.

It's fun for the whole family. And the ends are razor sharp-- to protect our nation and its interests. Ow! God bless America.

What's the matter, Bart ? I'm running on empty, Milhouse. You kids get a kick out of my jumps, and I love you for it, but it's all too easy.

I'm here to pick up the ambassador from Ghana. Well, he's not here! Nobody's here! And none of you should be here! You've all been tricked! Why would the ambassador do such a thing? This is ridiculous. Bart, you are gonna be in so much trouble when Mom and Dad get home.

Oh, the guys at work are gonna have a field day with this. Cheer up, Homer. At least they let you go. Gentlemen, gentlemen. Fraulein, please. This much I believe we can agree upon: this specimen is either a below-average human being... or... a brilliant beast.

(NICKERING) They're so beautiful. And their breath smells like peppermint. No! No! I won't take your blood ponies! Go on, sweeties. Go on. Shoo. (HISSING)

Do I understand you correctly, Bartron? Do you wish me to release you from the Helmet of Evil Thoughts... with my enchanted space wand? Yes! Yes! Yes! I will do it, Bartron. But who knows what mysterious forces will be unleashed?

Look, I clipped your obituary. Let's take a quick gambling break. A little action will really sharpen our senses. Mom, there's no gambling in Branson. It was designed as a family destination.

The town of Springfield was born on that day.

Faster, Knightboat. We've gotta catch those starfish poachers. You don't have to yell, Michael. I'm all around you.

It's Homer! I don't know what you see in that ugly meatball. Uh-huh. If you like being pawed by something fat and lazy we could get a cat. It would leave less hair on the couch. You don't know Homer like I do. He's sensitive and sweet.

You've changed, Lisa. You used to be cool. No, I didn't.

What's wrong? Nothing.

A lot that would shock you. Ride a painted pony Let the spinnin' wheel spin Thank you, Blood and Tears. Sorry to hear about Sweat. Now, before the Undersecretary of the Interior declares Geezer Rock a national landmark,

I don't think adults have ever actually sat down and watched them before. Aaah ! Aah !

Hmm. Hmm? Ooh! How are Bart and Lisa gonna get out of this one? - Sorry. - It happens.

You did what? I borrowed your nail clipper. What's the big deal? Nothing. I'm just a little edgy since your mother told me she wants to be a cop.

And now the parade has entered Bumtown! Oh, it's all just so exciting, Dave! Certainly seems to be a poorly planned parade route. Uh-oh. Hey, wait up!

Ooh, I know that look. You came in for the free wheel balance, and now it's costing you 500 simoleons. Six with the tip. Hey, you got off easy. I just came in to use the phone, and they got me for the whole Road King package-- alignment, shocks, Armor All, stem lube. Stem lube.

we ouGhta drown you just like cats adults, you run our lives like you're Colonel klink

Well, you could treat me with a little respect. Oh, shut up, you tub of guts. See? That's what I'm saying. Well, a little do-re-mi will smooth this over. He doesn't want your dirty money. Oh, come now. Everyone has his price. Not my dad. Shh, shh. The grown-ups are talking, honey.

Yeah, but they still got plenty of pumpkins. Homie, I'm so ashamed. Relax, Marge. This will all blow over.

What are you going to do? I'm going to go out there...

That's okay. I think I'll go somewhere friendlier, like beautiful downtown Grozny. Zoom!

Now, to do something I've never done before. Help out an old man. "Postcard image, thing to see..." (RUMBLING) Gotta go, sweetie! But I didn't read my poem!

You do know which ones are weeds ? All of 'em ? Good boy. Now, be careful with these. - I'll be inside watchin' my stories. - Ohh. Ow ! Ow !

Those are my shows! Frankly, Kent, those episodes were no big loss. The show didn't really get funny until we fired Sideshow Bob and hired whozits. You've erased my past. Now I'll erase your future. Hey, hey! Lights out!

Great spiritual quest, wolfie! My soul mate is Marge. Is it? Hmm? Hey, wait. Come back! Oh.

I almost forgot. To add a real element of danger, one drop of human blood. On the chance I don't survive, let me just say, seatbelts save lives, so buckle up !

Quit it, Bart. Quit it. Quit it. Quit it! Mom! Bart's making faces.

Wait a minute, sir. That's Homer Simpson. He wasn't exactly a model employee. Well, who is a model... employee? Simpson will do just fine, sir.

Ow ! Mom, Bart threw a book at me.

Mendoza! You want to rent it, sir? Why? I just saw the best part. Ooh.

That's right, The Odd Couple! So meet your comically mismatched roommate, Bart Simpson!

Bring the television up. Bart's got his vision back. Doh ! I wish I had amoria phlebitis.

Wow. Who do you have to kill to get a place like this? I think his name was Gustafson. Ow!

You're about to take a journey into the mind. You may see and experience things that are strange and frightening. But remember, they can't physically harm you, - though they may destroy you mentally. - So what?

Mom, I think something's wrong with me. I can't do anything right lately. You're just having a bad day. I had one last week. I burned the roast. My cake fell. And I ran out of butter, so I had to spray the English muffins with PAM. Maybe you're just a lousy cook. Ow! I'll go get the Bactine. It can't just be a bad day.

Mother. Superintendent Chalmers! Skinner! What I wouldn't give for something... to interrupt this awkward moment. That'll do nicely. You gotta hand it to Krusty. Yeah.

That punk Skinner. I had more freedom back at the joint. Oh, Jack, I know you hate to betray your artistic vision, but just do it. I guess I could bend a little.

and Simpsons Christmas Boogie went mega-platinum and swept the Grammys. Right. And the award for Best Hard-core Thrash Metal goes to... Simpsons Christmas Boogie? Simpsons Christmas Boogie

Oh, boy. Well, I'll just have to go to my backup plan. Nelson, how's your arm feeling? Great! Good. Take this note over to the referee. "We forfeit"?

But I love you. (LAUGHING EVILLY)

I've decided to bring in a few ringers-- professional baseballers. We'll give them token jobs at the plant and have them play on our softball team. Honus Wagner, Cap Anson Mordecai Brown...

Wait a minute! j-j-just a second here! No. No. I don't have your money here. It's in Bill's house a-a-and Fred's house. What the hell you doing with my money in your house, Fred?

Huzzah for the shopkeep.

Um, Milhouse, if you stay a little while longer, you can have this blazer. It's a Bob Mackie original. Wow! A Bob Mackie! Uh... sorry, Bart. Oh.

Okay, come on, come on, everybody. We gotta get on with our lives. Let's try and put this tragedy behind us. You're right, Moe. A beer, please, and make sure there's a head on it.

Prostitution, loan sharking, numbers-- The kid liked to wet his beak in everything. Mr. Simpson, You've been the boy's father for 10 years. Do you really think he could be the leader of a criminal syndicate? Well, not the leader. I mean-- Oh, it's true, it's true!

Look how much they're charging for Bart's treatment. That freeloading fatso! Marge, could you cut back on your makeup budget? I already use crayons for lipstick and fireplace soot for eyeliner. So that's where my soot went! (GROANS) This fat camp can save Bart's life! We have to find a way to pay for it.

Yes. And this is Marge, our surprisingly hot nanny. Hmm. Thank you, Mr. Simpson. Don't mention it, Miss... October.

Maybe. Hello, Mr. Burns. Snappy, it's hard to imagine but I was once a barefoot boy with cheek of tan. I dreamed of grand slam home runs and wiping out nations with the stroke of a pen. There's still time for that. Is there? Controlled nuclear fission is a demanding mistress.

This is the life we chose.

The world is our toy store.

Wow, look at that. How do they know to cross there? I'm telling you. It's not going to work.

Bart Simpson on the side of law and order?! Has the world gone topsy-turvy? That's right, man. I got my first taste of authority and I liked it. Hmm. There are a lot of troublemakers in this school and I can't be everywhere at once. Go on.

All right, Simpsons, thejig is up. We know you’re in there. Okay. I'm coming right out the door. Damn it! These windows are so hard to squeeze through.

Frankly, we don't want to know. It's a market we can do without. So that's it after 20 years-- so long, good luck? I don't recall saying "good luck."

- Oh, that's good! - Homer! That's very rude of you. What? D'oh! Can we please stop somewhere? My butt's asleep.

who, with some cajoling, will pass it along to him, or at least give him the gist of it. Sir, a lot of people are stroking guns. Also it has been brought to my attention that a number of you are stroking guns. Therefore, I will step aside and open up the floor.

you don't have to read my mind to know what I have in mind Honey, you oughta know "Loser.

Turkey farm, skunks, slaughterhouse ? No, no, no. What are you doing back there ? We're playing, "What's that odor ?" - Dad's feet ? - Bart ! - You win, Bart. - Lisa ! Are we there yet, Dad ? I'll tell you when. Go back to your smell game.

We've isolated the problem.

Thanks. Hello. Smithers. You're. Quite. Good. At. Turning. Me. On. Um, you probably should ignore that.

- Ooh, nice eyelash. Yours? - No. We need to find out who it belonged to. We want a D.N.A. test. Ooh, ooh, hey, ooh, oh. That takes eight to 10 weeks. Did I say weeks? 'Cause I meant seconds.

Hi, I'm Troy McClure. You may remember me from such educational films as Two Minus Three Equals Negative Fun! And Firecrackers: The Silent Killer. Mr. McClure? - Oh, hello, Bobby. - jimmy. I'm curious as to how meat gets from the ranch to my stomach.

Now, Bob, your graduate degrees more than qualify you to be assistant janitor. My blushes. But I am a bit troubled by your constant attempts to murder people. To be fair, most of those people were Bart Simpson. Good luck.

I say you don't exist! No, I'm right here, under "Staff." What I want is a really good weeper. What about Love Story? It's about a Harvard chick that puts out for a guy and then croaks. And it saved Paramount Studios for Charlie Bluhdorn. Ooh!

if I croak, you'll marry Lenny or Moe.

Help! Lisa, thank God you're okay. Did you have fun with your robot buddy?

Fight and bite and bite Fight, fight, fight Bite, bite, bite You know, some of these stories are pretty good. The itchy & Scratchy Show I never knew mice lived such interesting lives. So much needless brutality. I don't know if I'm having any impact at all. Don't do that ! Don't do that !

No dessert until you eat your broccoli. Oh, fine.

but I think there's a little "al-key-hol" in this punch. - Mr. Burns, are you ready ? - Yes. Are you set ? Yes. Go, Mr. Burns.

J Stop the things you do J

on the list of America's 300 most livable cities. Take that, East St. Louis. Gee. You said you were gonna make me look sexier, but it's awfully dark in here. Light is not your friend. All right, let's do this thing. It's time to get Homer-erotic!

Two plus two is four. I can see why this is so popular. Look at him. - Two plus two is four. - Two-- Give me my bear, Simpson! It's The Sou-ou-oul Mass Transit System. Give it to me.

Electro-web, deploy! Now I control the Roboverse! Your laugh is incorrect, Meganaut! Activate Prawn Power!

I have to work for money. Why don't I just lie down and die?

and teamed up to fight a bigger foe.

Well, for a case this complex, I had to assemble a crack team of lawyers. Ronald Chaporo, trial attorney. Albert Dershman, who can hold three billiard balls in his mouth. How much of the hundred thou do I get? Five hundred dollars? Yes, well, uh-- Cool!

i'm supposed to talk to you about Proposition 305. Moochin' war widows. But I have something more important to say. For reasons beyond my control, I will soon become vapid, sluggish and slow-witted. So before that happens, I want to share some things with you that have meant a lot to me. What is she doin' out there? I'll cut off her mike.

You'll find it in The Itchy and Scratchy Movie, coming soon to a theater near you. Fifty-three percent new footage.

Mom! Dad! Don't turn on the light! Don't turn on the light! There's a U.F.O. outside my window-- seriously.

Homer, no! Uh-oh. My house! Hey, how you doin'?

Afraid I have to disagree with Orville, jack and Mr. Can't we just do something to his voice box?

One, two, tie your shoe Three, four, pick up the floor Five, six... (SCREAMING)

I did. I did read to her.

Oh, there he is. And now, I must choose a beautiful partner for the big dance contest. Hmm. Hmm-hmm. No! Hmm.

I'm so proud of what you guys are doing, I even tipped off the local paper. Yeah, she sure did. And I've already got the perfect headline-- "Activity Participated In by Some." Hey, that's great. Let's go, boys.

yeah, the waiting is the hardest part Come on! Come on! Open up!

Can the poems. It's ass-whooping time. I want fatty. Get him! Get him! Let's get him. What if we switched wives? Would that help?

Now, how are we going to get my Homie back? I'll kidnap him for 50, deprogram him for 100, and I'll kill him for 500. No, no, no. just the first two. All right. I'll throw in the killin' for free.

Then, one Monday morning, I couldn't leave the house. Was the door locked? I just couldn't face what was out there. Was it raining? No, Homer Dave suffers from agoraphobia-- a fear of open areas and crowds. Dave, go on. I knew I just couldn't make that long drive to work.

You're next, Mr. Simpson. Hey, wait a minute. Airport tax: five dollars? Sir, it's a standard fee. Well, we are not boarding that plane unless you waive that tax. Waive it!

Your son is trapped down the well. You must think we're the worst parents in the world. Yes, that's pretty much the feeling down at the station.

We look like slobs

It's the ultimate weapon. Ooh. Wow. That sure made us look bad.

Oh, yes. That film. Yes. You don't have a copy, do you? Krusty, have you ever seen this so-called animation genius before? Yes, I have. You have? I gave him a couple of blintzes to paint my fence, but he never did it! Those blintzes were terrible.

The kids growing up. Grandchildren. I want to confess. I killed and robbed the old lady all by myself. Marge is completely innocent. The only thing she's guilty of is loving too much... the murder I did. Hmm.

We gotta fight the current. Wrong again, Flanders. In a situation like this, you just relax... and let the current take you back to land. D'oh.

hmm. Well? "Su-poib."

Ooh! We left at 1:30 p.m. Monday. What time is it now? It's 6:45 a.m. next Wednesday.

is Barney that drunk?

God bless that man. - Whoa-a-a-aaah ! - A-a-a-aaah ! Wh-o-o-o-a ! Bitchin' !

That's a nice a-donut. Do you think you can get the dental plan back?

Die, bad robots! Die!

Well, grab a brush and join in. Gonna paint your wagon gonna paint it fine gonna use oil-based paint 'cause the wood is pine ponderosa pine

Ah, I guess your old man is smarter than you thought.

Military school? You lied to me! Well, I'm sorry if you heard Disneyland, but I distinctly said military school.

I live in a house. Well, la-dee-da, college girl! Well, I guess you're too good for me too! Oh, lookit--

scored tickets to Hullabalooza! Bart, these look real. Check the authenticator spot. This is an authentic Hullabalooza ticket. For authentic refreshment, eat Clark bars. And for totally outrageous class rings, it's jostens. Go, jostens!

No! I just saved my baseball bit. "Who-say-in's on first, Iya-toll-ya's on second and--" Aah! Stupid clown! When I came to, she was gone, and the war had been over for eight months.

Now remember, Wanda, whatever shape the wax takes that's what your husband's job will be. It's a mop. My will be a janitor. That looks like an Olympic torch to me. He could be an athlete and go on to have a great acting career.

"Congress shall make no law "abridging the freedom of speech or of the press." That's from the First Amendment to the Constitution. Thank you. Thank you, Lisa. I'm sure your opinion will not go unnoticed. (HELICOPTER WHIRRING)

The ones made from potatoes? The very same. (INDISTINCT TALKING) My coat of arms is a Spiderman couchant on a field vert. What's "couchant" mean? Lying down. (GROANS) You mean like you? Now what does "vert" mean? Say it means punching.

The Lord has handed down to us Ten Commandments by which to live. I will now read them in no particular order. "Thou shalt not make any graven images." Oh, my God ! "Thou shalt not commit adultery." Ah, well. Looks like the party's over.

Okay, Son. Just remember to have fun out there today.

Homer, why are you here ? Oh, because I got drunk and looked down her dress. No, no, Homer. Marge is gonna tell us all your faults.

Channel 6's own Krusty the Clown has gathered members of the entertainment community-- who normally steer clear of fashionable causes-- for a video called "We're Sending Our Love down the Well." I wanted to do something to help, so I called my friend, Sting. He said, "When do you need me?" I said, "Thursday."

J You’re a brand-new muscle car and all the wheels are mag J J You make me feel as young as the blood I get from sheepJ J You’re like Jacqueline BissetJ J In me favorite film The Deep J J You’re sexy and exotic J J Like a hooker from BelizeJ

God, you're-- you're like the guy! You're a legend around here. Can I ask you-- is it true you once worked 96 hours straight? Oh, yes. It was horrible, I tell you. By the end, I thought I was a hummingbird of some kind. Oh, yeah! You know, I studied your old security tapes. Fee-ee-ee-ee.

Sorry. Marge? Oh. Sorry. Marge? Vote Quimby.

We-- Sports on a Sunday? Hmm. I better check with Reverend-- Oh, just play the damn game, Ned.

Honey, I know you're scared. But there's no boogie woogies or wooly bullies out there. Oh. Your nightlight's burned out. And the only bulbs we have left are these red ones.

My superior brain advises you to enter the franchise fair.

Thanks for taking the children while I'm away. Don't worry yourself. We've got six months of maternity leave we'll never use anyway. Homer, bring Maggie out.

Quitting show biz. No, I like the area. But where does it go? Get away from me! Wait! We have more notes!

Let's march all day and clean latrines all night

Ninety. One hundred years old? Homer, sit down! What's that, sonny? Golly. This is all so sudden.

We decided we better start living in the fast lane. What if I'm not a success? How will you pay for all this? I'm sorry. I can't hear you, son. I'm wearing a jacuzzi suit. I just missed out... on the greatest opportunity of my entire life.

Lionel Hutz, attorney-at-law. I'm filing a class-action suit against the director... on behalf of everyone who was cut from the play. I also play Mitch. I'm Marge Simpson. I'll be playing Blanche. I made some peanut butter brownies for everyone.

I'll stop them! Oh, no! It's coming back this way! That throwing-stick stunt of yours has boomeranged on us! Hey! We can get away in their pouches!

And I'm teen sensation Britney Spears.

We're creating a new perfect society... in which the mistakes of the past will be eliminated. And now... you must die.

MAN ON RADIO: A killer bear is on the loose in Springfield Forest. And local laughingstock Homer Simpson is missing and presumed mauled. (CHUCKLING) Wrong again, liberal media. MAN ON RADIO: A bounty has been placed on the rogue bear in the amount of $10,000. Don't worry. I'll find you someplace safe.

Yeah. "Looks like."

Why you little--

You may not believe this, but I once was a baby myself. My father was a Ping-Pong champion. He died when the ball got stuck in his throat. The Heimlich maneuver was invented the very next day. My mother raised me alone, so I know it can be done. You may keep your baby.

LENNY: Hey, where's my presents? WOMAN: Some jerk stole Christmas! Oh, I've been robbed! Man, so this is how it feels. I'd better see my shrink and rob his ass! Someone snuck in and took our presents.

- Khlav Khalash! - Oh!

That improvident lackwit! Always too busy stridin' about his atom mill to call his own mother. I'll give him what for till he cries brassafrax! Perfect. When I give the signal, you transfer the call to Mr. Burns. After she tears into him, I'll rush in and save the day. Got it.

The Christ-- I-- I don't think you understand my objection. I'm the president, and the decision is mine. We're Hell's Satans. Besides, I already made our club jackets. Whoa! "Machine wash warm." "Tumble dry." Ooh, la, la.

Bart, that exhibit over there is biased, insensitive, and anti-feminist! Ugh! You can't whitewash history, Lise. What do I get if I join the museum as a "Friend of Bart"? A subscription to BARTFORUM Magazine, and Bart will say "Eat my shorts"

We only have two openings so one of you will go home empty-handed... But it won't be my old frat buddy Lou Collier. How you doing, you old Alpha Tau? Smithers, you keg-meister, you. Uh-huh-huh, hey. Uh-huh-huh, hey.

Sarge, we keep getting orders to let the virus win. Must be a school day. Lay down your arms.

But if anything happens-- What could happen ? They are all against you, Bart. You must kill them all. They all must die.

Well, what you didilly-doing, neighbor? Putting speed holes in my car. Makes it go faster. Is that so? Well, gee, maybe the old Flanders mobile could use-- Aah! Wow. Lucky I always keep a Bible close to my heart.

Hi, Apu. Can I put this poster in your window? Well, of course you can, you little pixie. Oh. You're just as sweet as the sticks which bear your name. No, no. No, no. No, no, no. Take that down. As a semi-legal immigrant, your poster could land me in a predicament... as red hot as the candies which bear that name.

I hustled a lot of pool. Hey, you want to play? I gotta warn ya. I ain't that good. (LAUGHS) All right. Sucker. (GRUNTS) Who's the sucker now? Huh?

I hope he doesnt do anything to ruin the space-time continuum. That's all l- Oh, dear. ...poor William Bonney might've become a doctor or a senator! Hear me, people ofthe past! Hey, everyone, that's us! I come to deliver a terrifying message of hope.

Well, I've never seen a man politely pass up so many hors d'oeuvres. My husband, Maxtone Witherball, has already had three shrimp. Someone's done her henpecking.

ow, ooh. ow, ooh. Ow, ooh.

Now for my first act as President... (GRUNTS) (SHATTERING) (LAUGHING MANIACALLY) Deal! To my new buddy!

Wouldn't bother us. It just turns up your morphine. Oh, so it does.

Slow down. Slow down!

We're going back to work!

Please! I'm trying to drive! Hey, let's go to the girls' college! No. The Playboy Mansion. Playboy Mansion! Shut up! It's my car, and I say we're going to the lost city of gold. That's just drunk talk. Sweet, beautiful drunk talk.

Uh-- Oh. That isn't smoke. It's steam. Steam from the steamed clams we're having. Mmm. Steamed clams. Whew. Superintendent, I hope you're ready for mouthwatering hamburgers.

Foolish dingo. You must find and devour the seven crystal babies... or spend eternity trapped in deep didgeridoo!

Ooh! Someone’s coming. Now who’s the sociopath? Huh? Moe. He's got a dark side I’ve never dreamed of. Well, mystery solved.

Christmas in December Wow, wow, wow Give me tons of presents - Now, now, now Hey, Homer. Writing a new Christmas carol? Maybe. The Bible says it's fun to do stuff together.

All right, Son. We're about to embark on our most difficult mission. Let's bow our heads in prayer. Dear Lord, I know you're busy, seeing as how you can watch women changing clothes and all that. But if you help us steal this grease tonight, I promise we'll donate half the profits to charity.

Question. Yes, Nelson. A moron says what? Not being a moron, I wouldn't know. However-- What? Ladies and gentlemen, I give you your moron.

Okay. Oh, leather craft. Oh, those poor, helpless cows! Mm-hmm. What about clay? You got any problem with clay? Hey, what's this? "Vincent Price's Egg Magic." Wow. What are we waiting for?

Before I get started on today's sermon, entitled... "What Ned Did," I'd like to publicly congratulate Homer Simpson on his recent charity work.

I thought I'd be jumping for joy the day Skinner left, but now all I have is this weird, hot feeling in the back of my head. That's guilt. You feel guilty because your stunt wound up costing a man his job. Yeah, I guess it is guilt.

(LAUGHING) You never killed anybody and you're gonna start with the big dog? (LAUGHS) Homer, please don't tempt the gods... I mean God. There's one God. Only one. Well, sometimes there's three. Hey, Chief, throw me your piece! Uh, sure thing, citizen.

- My key! - Sorry, Ralph. I thought we were friends. Wait. I missed that. Get him to say it again.

Kowalski! My brownies! Wiggum! A change of underwear! Crandall! My insulin!

please remember our family motto... "Not in the face." Don't worry, sweetie. I am not gonna kill your father. (LAUGHS) Flanders kill me? (LAUGHING) You never killed anybody and you're gonna start with the big dog? (LAUGHS) Homer, please don't tempt the gods...

I'm the president of the United States, and I demand to know what's going on here. Happy birthday, Mr. President.

A little higher, Wendell. A lot higher, Martin.

Smithers, I've designed a new plane. I call it the Spruce Moose, and it will carry 200 passengers... from New York's Idlewild Airport to the Belgian Congo in 17 minutes!

just let your head flop back and forth. Your neck is a well-cooked piece of asparagus. We interrupt Sadrudin Mabaradad's Yoga Party for this special bulletin--

(GLASS SHATTERS)

Fellas, where you going at this hour? Hey, don't scratch up them heads!

I knew it! No. I mean this CD. The Best of Wings. For the Band on the run You know, we've been through some 280 adventures together. But our bond has never been stronger. Mmm-mm.

(GROWLING) (MEOWING) (GRUNTING) Hey, Homer. I'm your Secret Santa. Merry Christmas, big guy. Oh, my God! A DVD player!

Guns are very dangerous, and I won't have them in this house. How can you have a house without a gun? What if a bear came through the door? I'm going to bury it in the yard where little hands can't get to it. You should have fired into the air. She would have run off.

Okay, Dad. They've got our flag guarded pretty good. I agree. Let's surrender. No. Wait. I have a plan. But I'll need your underpants. Hmm. All right. But don't lose 'em. They're my only pair. I got it! I got the flag! Get him! Get him! He's getting away!

Bartholomew, you don't need him. I can be your school yard chum. Five, 23, skidoo. Hut, hut! Oh!

Remember, my dog up and died. Thank you.

Coming up next, a Canadian couple... who say they are deathly afraid of scorpions. Oh, that stings, eh. Ooh, God! Ow! Ooh! Sting those Canucks. I love this show.

I was that maniac. Hey, I was just kidding. That's it. He's out of here. But we're the only family he's got. This is not Happy Days, and he is not the Fonz.

Send in Sugarbell. She's very pretty. But the answer is still no. Honeysuckle, Dewdrop. (MUSIC BOX CHIMING)

Pass your chit to Santa to receive your gift. If you do not have a chit, you will not receive a gift. Wow! The March 8 newspaper!

Now, here's my "Everything's Okay" alarm. This will sound every three seconds... unless something isn't okay. Turn that off, Homer. It can't be turned off.

Whoa! Yo! Ouch! i call brutality on you. You have the right to remain-- All right, uh, "Simpson, Homer." - You're next. - Whoo-hoo!

After a tough day on the set, how do Itchy and Scratchy relax? With Laramie Extra-Tar Cigarettes. Here's your smokes, Mr. Itchy. Thank you, Louis. Mmm. Mm-hmm.

Boo! I mean, man, is that a good movie. Yea! And last Christmas, Marge made us gingerbread men. And there was a hair in one. Well, I'll let you in on a little secret about Marge Simpson. She's got webbed toes. Ew, that's gross.

All right. Climb in. There's nothing to worry about. Now everyone, go to sleep. Good night. Di-da.

Things started out great. I ate what my mother ate, and my mother loved chili. Then suddenly-- Let go! Let go! Wow. Tell me some more.

Who is that old geezer, and what has he done with Homer Simpson ? He is Homer Simpson, sir. "Uh, a lot of you would think I was crazy if I did this. He's crazy ! "Yet we at this power plant are doing this... "every hour of every day. "Bloated inventories, outmoded production methods.

Doctor, little kids aren't supposed to have heart attacks. They're supposed to skin their knees, and poke their eyes out, and be smothered by cats.

You guys work on the movie? You're sayin' we're not working? Oh, I always wanted to be a Teamster. So lazy and surly. Mind if I relax next to ya?

What's that, Baby Button-Eyes? You want me to kill Mummy? (GASPS) But Mummy is ever so kind. What? Your buttons came from the trousers of a psychotic killer? Then I have no choice. (WIND BLOWING) (SCREAMS)

It's powered by old newspapers, the machinery is made entirely of used cans, and the windows are from the old liquor bottles we collected. Hey! I thought I told you to stop licking my windows. I know. You told me. And when I woke up this morning, I said, "Barney, you're not gonna lick that man's--"

The place I was born is now a gator farm.

Son, you've got to marry that girl. Because it's honorable? No! Because you'll never do any better. You lucky bum. The fish jumped right in the boat. All you got to do is whack her with the oar.

My son. My son. Come on, Flanders. He's not that bad.

I never want you in this house again! If he's out, can I move back in? What do you think? And she's the nice one.

So you can either sit there crying and eating can after can of dog food... until your tears smell enough like dog food to make your dog come back, or you can go out there and find your dog! You're right! I'll do it! Rats! I almost had him eatin' dog food.

Watch out, Radioactive Man!

for the last 20 years. Mom, did you sleep well at your sisters'? Mm-mmm! Whoo. Mmm!

Bart, are all these children friends of yours? Friends and well-wishers, yes. - Hey, Bart! Hiya, Bart! - Hey, Bart! Hello, Mrs. Cumberdale.

Bart, your museum took in over $3,000. Finally, I can get what I've always wanted. A used Toyota. Bart, I don't care what Mom said. I think you should use this money to take her on a nice vacation.

Well, it aint happening today. Look, everybody! Here they come.

All I need is a title. I was thinking along the lines of... No TV and No Beer Make Homer-- something something. Go Crazy?

Well, it's a greatness that others can't see, but it's there. And if it's not true greatness we have, we're at least average. I don't want to alarm anyone, but I think there's a little "al-key-hol" in this punch.

Burns will always carry with him So I settle my score on the salsa floor With this vengeful Latin rhythm Burns

Wow! Dad's been in jail six times! Aw, Mom's only been in twice. Hello! Sarah! Ralphie! It's me, Chief Wiggum! Oh. We better hide. Quick! In here!

Ruff! Rough? I don't know. You've been pitchin' that all night.

No problem. Now, let's paint. Hey, can I smell your clothes? Your spine is more twisted than Sinbad's take on marriage. So? Just give me some drugs and surgery. Oh, I'd love to. But to be honest,

USA! Find the head! And now, here's Assistant Principal Kearney. Okay, I want a nice, clean prom. That means no booze, kick, puff, doze, maxx, stim, or turb. Remember, stim kills.

Run, sir. Every bone... shattered, organs... leaking vital fluids, a slight headache, loss of appetite. Smithers, I'm going to die.

It's been a very lean year for us. Money fight!

I was thinking it might be time to combine our CD collections. I don't know, Edna. I'm not quite ready to take that plunge. Seymour, my larval sac fell in the toilet! Go fish it out! Quick, Edna. I'll use your purse as a scoop.

Marge, you got that? Marge! Hey, go on, boy. Go get it. Answer the phone. D'oh! There's gotta be something on this thing for that thing. Ahh. Ohh.

Damn, damn, damn. McBain. Yes? I'm not gonna make it. Oh, stop talking crazy. just do one thing for me.

Bart, you're wreckin' it ! Let go ! I worked forever on this ! Ooh ! Hey, that got her goin' ! Bitchin' ! Bart !

You're damn right it is. You can't thank us enough. Every generation stinks but ours! Uh-oh. Sounds like America's enemies are at it again. Greatest generation to the rescue!

We got Boston, South America, the good part of Ireland, and we're making serious inroads in Mozambique, baby!

the status quo for the wealthy elite? Don't you think we ought to attack the roots of social problems... instead of jamming people into overcrowded prisons? Look, Lisa, it's McGriff, the Crime Dog. Hello, Lisa. Help me bite crime. Ruff, ruff.

I'm sorry. I cant live without passion. Well, well. Not so tough without your gun, are you, Snake? Ow! I guess you are.

Well, that was disgusting. Worst ending ever. I think I'm gonna be sick. I'm jimmy Stewart's granddaughter, and you'll be hearing from my attorney. - Ooh! - Ow! Oh, we should have put in the dog with the shifty eyes.

Enough of your borax, Poindexter! A man's life is at stake! We need action! Take that, you lousy dimension! Huh? Huh?

No, you won't. Yes, I will. Won't. Dateline, Springfield. The elusive Beer Baron... continued to thumb his nose at authorities. Swaggering about in a garish new hat, he seemed to say, "look at me, Rex Banner. I have a new hat."

It chose to destroy itself rather than live with us. You can't help but feel a little rejected.

Well, we're still welcome in North Dakota and Arizona. Arizona smells funny. North Dakota, here we come.

Hello, operator ! Give me the number for 9-1-1 ! Hey, thanks for your help, fellas.

Take my blues away Make my pain the same as yours With every change you play jazzman

Spring break! Spring break! Spring break! Oh, no! We came during spring break! Take 'em off the glass! Take 'em off the glass! This looks like a terrible place to relax. We're gonna get you to a-- Huh?

Wow! just like the commercial. There's a brainteaser on the back. "Professor Provolone's Picto-Puzzle." That's a tough one. Got it! Is this it? Excellent, Milhouse.

Uh, that crease is in your leg, sir. Oh, so it is. Yes. Hmm. It's not like the Who to be tardy. I'm worried. What's that? Yarrr! 'Tis the Who. By my reckoning, they're in the scurvy depths of New Springfield.

most likely a mummy. As a precaution, I've ordered the Egyptian wing of the Springfield Museum destroyed. Nice work, Ed. No, no, they're wrong! The creature they seek is the walking undead. Nosferatu. Das Vampyr.

We can't drive this up there. They'll see the dent. They'll see the coat hanger antenna. Stop the car. Were walking. But, Marge! Valets! For once maybe someone will call me "sir" without adding, "You're making a scene."

Why, you little..!

Of course, he could never win this race, or could he? What's Santa's Little Helper doing to that dog? Uh-oh.

Huh? Oh, no. The train!

- He's sure taking his sweet time. - Better refuel.

Huh? Less yakkin', more crackin'! Now, Homer, we don't actually crack backs. It's merely an adjustment. Okay, you're gonna hear a loud cracking sound. There we go. Hey. It feels a little better. Mm-hmm. I thought it might.

Come here, Maggie.

Marge, I don't really wanna go through with this. But being an astronaut is how I got you to respect me. Homer, when I met you, you weren't an astronaut. You didn't even know how to use a touch-tone. But I still respected you, and I always will, no matter what.

I'm old! Gimme, gimme, gimme! Huh? Hey! There's something you don't see in a toilet every day. Anybody lose their glasses? Last chance. Whoo-hoo!

That doesn't seem like a happy ending.

"Fine. Stay in the school. We don't want you to come out." - You got it. - Damn! All right, boys. Roll up the sound truck. We'll blast them out with music.

Seasons don't fear the reaper Nor do the wind the sun or the rain We can be like they are Come on, baby Don't fear the reaper Baby, take my hand

Anything you say.

Whoever brings down that balloon doesn't have to learn fractions. Uh, careful, children. That's my car.

Oh, very ultimate indeed. Point your peepers at Biclops! A superhero with glasses! Oh, yeah. Thick glasses. Kinda like yours. So how many you need-- 500, 600? 600 sounds good. Aw, that's too bad. There's a price break at a thousand.

It's a monster! Kill it! Kill it! It's not a monster. It's Mr. Burns. Oh, it's Mr. Burns. Kill it! Kill it! No. No, let me explain. Every Friday evening after work, Mr. Burns undergoes a series of medical treatments...

I need a soul, Ralph. Any soul. Yours! Hey! What's going on over there?

Yes. Another child would be a blessing. Rabbi, should I buy a Chrysler? Could you rephrase that as an ethical question? Um... is it right to buy a Chrysler? Yes-- for great is the car with power steering and Dyna-Flo suspension. Papa?

It's funny because it's true. Well observed. Chief Wigham, you honor us with your presence. Baloney! I'm not gonna rest until one of us is behind bars. you! You wouldn't happen to know anything about a truck that got hijacked on Route 401?

even the one that got cut off by the copy machine. Well, I guess I was just on a roll. Don't be so modest, Lisa. You earned that A-plus-plus-plus. Actually there are four pluses. No. That's Drambuie. Mmm! Oh, so plump and juicy.

Well, if I did agree to help you, you could only earn money by doing good, socially responsible things. Nothing evil. Nothing evil. That's exactly the kind of radical thinking I need. It's a deal.

So now, we just have the red and yellow lights. Come on. Stay yellow. Stay yellow! Man, I'm making record time, if only I had someplace to be.

The point is, great artists are always trying new things, like Michelangelo or Shaquille O'Neal. You just need some inspiration. It's so exciting to do something cultural together. Matt Groening? What's he doing in a museum? He can barely draw!

Then you might want to close your windows before the sun hits Diaper Hill. Look, Daddy. I'm the king of the mountain! Rod, get off of there!

Oh. Okay. Mountain climbing supplies. Rope. Ice ax. Heart medicine. Son, don't go up that mountain. You'll die up there, just like I did. You? "Did"?

Maybe. The Bible says it's fun to do stuff together. There's a stranger in the manger And his name is love Take it, Homer. Oh, I got it. You want me to stay out here and work on the chorus.

Boulevard Recreational Center? I'd love to. Oh, my show's on. Mind if we watch a little? I guess. ANNOUNCER: The Talbot Report with Chloe Talbot. Tonight Chloe interviews Bob Dylan. So, Bob, what religion are you converting to now?

Oh, Warren, I know your dad is in prison, but don't you fret. A special celebrity dad has been arranged for ya. But my older brother would like-- Sorry, but I'm afraid Ernest Borgnine has already been confirmed. Hiya! I'm sure you kids know me best...

Ahh-- Mmm. Ants!

Will you take us to Mt. Splashmore ? No ! - Will you take us to Mt. Splashmore ? - No ! Will you take us to Mt. Splashmore ? No ! No ! - Will you take us to Mt. Splashmore ? - No ! No !

That's your daddy. T-shirts! Get your T-shirts. Tell 'em where you been by wearin' a T-shirt! You'll be okay, Dad.

Get in there, you stupid pillowcase! Stop it! You'll jam the machine! Uh-oh! Radiation. Duck and cover!

(ALL SQUEAKING) (GASPS) (MUTTERING)

You're here, aren't you? Yes, Bart. I never left you. Wh-What do you want from me? You'll see... after the surgery.

Now I'd like to introduce the new members of our happy power plant family. Our security guard, Roger Clemens. Hello. Our janitor, Wade Boggs. How you doing? Our lunchroom cashier, Ken Griffey jr. Hey, what's up, guys? Our new, well, uh we'll make up jobs for these fellas later.

- You're right, Marge. Good work, boy. - Hmm. Egghead likes his booky-wook Homer! just tucking him in.

Eat my shorts. Eat My Shorts. Okay, let's see. Hey, wait a minute, you little punk! EaT my shorts is in the fifth race! I said the third race! Don't have a cow. Don't Have a Cow in the third. Put a deuce on him. While we are waiting to see how lucky you are, let me show you around.

Thanks for taking the job. I'm sorry my husband is being so difficult. Get lost, crook. That's all right, Mrs. Simpson. Many husbands feel emasculated when their wife must turn to a professional to satisfy her remodeling needs. Why don't you just kiss her? I'm gay. But I have a subcontractor that does that sort of thing for me.

Ha-ha! Bart's family is poor! Hurry up, Bart, or you'll be late to be killed by the dog!

Would a motel be okay ?

Sir, you're alive! But how?

(BLUEGRASS MUSIC PLAYING) Sashay this and fancy that Watch the dog dance with the cat (SIZZLING) (ANGRY MURMUR) Lights out, weirdos! (GROWLS)

inhaling molten rock.

Take that, you lousy dimension! Huh? Huh? Oh, there's so much I don't know about astrophysics. I wish I read that book by that wheelchair guy.

Milhouse has never been anything but a comic foil. What’s going on here? Something crazy? There's your queen bee! Explain yourself, Simpson. I saw Krusty do it on TV. Then Krusty will feel my wrath. The spritz has hit the fan. You wont hurt Krusty, will you? He's all we got! - Shut your puke hole, punk! - Sir, yes, sir!

Be right back. Take your time.

Anyway, get ready, beer belly. We're gonna show Springfield what we're made of! All right, Homer! Yeah, Homer! That was odd. Gee, I don't like the sound of that.

Mom! Dad! Someone stole my Malibu Stacy collection! Marge, doesn't Lisa have a human face? Yes, and she's crying. That's it! Nobody messes with my little girl! I'm going to find those dolls! Are you gonna call the police?

Let's see how your sister's doing in the place-setting competition. Place-setting? How is someone so lame related to a hot tamale like me?

Take those to the teachers' lounge.

Oh! Very well. Lay off... him, him, him, him-- Hmm.

No, Simpson. Oh, darn! Darn! Darn!

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Slow down, jimmy. You just asked a mouthful. It all starts here in the high-density feedlot. Then when the cattle are just right-- Mmm! it's time for them to "graduate" from Bovine University.

What's going on? Wh-Why am I on a japanese box? Oh, my God! What is that? All done. I swept the aisles... and put all the collection plates in the dishwasher. And you wouldn't believe how many dead pigeons there were in the organ.

My killing teacher says I'm a natural. But these skills are nothing without courage and stamina. Traditionally, the academy tested these virtues...

Yeah, "groovy." Troy, I'm proud to offer your viewers... these hand-drawn Itchy & Scratchy animation cels. Each one is absolutely, positively, 100% guaranteed... to increase in value. I guarantee it. Whoo!

Ay, ay, es Homer Simpson. Me ha molestado. ¡Oh! Oh. I like it better when they're making fun of people who aren't me. I know. Evening at the improv. They never talk about anything beyond the 1980s.

It begins! Give me that! Stop him! Barney, no! Give me that bottle! No! No! No! Hey! Uh-oh. Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!

What am I saying? Of course it is. T-shirts! Get your sassy T-shirts! 50% cotton, 100% awesome! Daddy, can I buy this one? Let's see. "Get bent." Well, the only thing that could mean is kneel down and pray. We'll take the whole box.

Hello, police? I think my house killed my husband. This is Constable Wiggums. We'll be right there. Remove your knickers and wait in the bath.

Hey! We do! Oh, Marge! We're number one! We're number one! In your face, space coyote! Space coyote? Oh, my God! The ship! We'll all be killed! The light! We gotta get the light back on!

(GRUNTS) Moe, you've won. I'll see you at baggage claim. Hot damn, I won! Marge, I swear I'll be the best man you ever had. It's gonna be all flowers, and back rubs, and, "How was your day, dear?" and... Moe! No, I don't love you,

Open the door and lie on the floor said Barnacle Bill the sailor Hmm. Here you go. There you are. For the baby. And one squid platter, extra tentacles.

Oh, my feet are inside me. I am so sorry, Homie.

So my dad blew all the money I made from that embarrassing commercial. Promise me you wont tell anyone about it. I wont But these things have a way of getting out. Ha-hal Baby Stink Breath! It was worth it.

Thanks. Um, you guys skate? Try to. The cops always confiscate our boards. Yeah. And you just know they're using them, like, five minutes later down at the station. Hmm. I think I know a place you can skate that's virtually deserted.

Um, I'm looking for something in an after-dinner burrito. You'll have it in 45 seconds, sir.

Hey, Dad. Heard you swearin'. Mind if I join in? Crap, boobs, crap! I thought I had a great idea, but I must have seen it on this poster. If Edison thought of that chair, how come it's not on this chart? It's not? Maybe he never told anyone about it.

Wait! Dr. Hibbert! Hmm. Dislocated shoulder, bump on the noggin.

Wow. You got everything, Homer-- Even the Oscar polish. Honey, why don't you give that thing a rest? You're taking the finish off. When you win one, you can take care of it however you want. Whoo-hoo. Meow.

Did you hear that, Mom? She's as dumb as me.

What a drag. I hear ya. Ah. Ha-ha! Oh, the gentle caress of a summer breeze.

My pleasure. I eat Legos. So did I, son. And look where I am today. Boy, everybody loves my show. It's great, Dad. You have tremendous power. And now it's time to put it to use. Yes, you're right.

I've entered us in a doubles tournament. What? We're not ready to compete. Don't worry. The tournament's not till tomorrow. Okay, get ready for the serve. Aaah! Get 'em off! Get 'em off! How embarrassing.

They'll kill ya five times before ya hit the ground.

Stand behind the flaming garbage cans. We'll be letting you into the store 70 people at a time. Let's just beat him up and take his stuff! No, no, no! Do not listen to that man.

f Thunderclaps f Goldie, you were more than just a goldfish. You were a member ofthe family. Rest in peace, pal.

When you're driving, we'll listen to your radio station. I caN feel saint elmo's fire burnin' in me Oh, I can't take this anymore! Let's switch back. All right, my friends. Let's go to the phones. First up is Bob from South Springfield. Welcome to you, sir.

- Go to hell. - Okay.

Oh, no! We left Grampa back at the gas station. What about Grampa? Hello! Hi! We're here!

She's right. Yes. Very good. Marge, Homer, I believe your Lisa may be gifted. That's wonderful. But still, can't you do anything for Bart? Marge, he's five. His life is over. Lisa's the wave of the future. Wave of the future! That's right, honey.

What's wrong with him now, Bart? Night terrors, ma'am. Cobras!

I hope the kids didn't hear us. Oh, wow.

Here's your $1,000. Hey, what do you care if this guy's bald ? My reasons... are my own. Carl, you saved me. Why ? Have I done something extraordinary here today ? No.

You just enjoy your grocery shopping, Marge. And if you pick up some semolina, I can make couscous for Lisa. It's my favorite! It is? Oh, yeah. You can learn a lot from your kids if you just listen to 'em. Be right back.

Aisle 6, next to the sympathy cards. Hmm. Mm-hmm. - Mmm! - Whoa! Careful there, Annie Oakley. I don't have to be careful. I got a gun. Well, you'll probably want the accessory kit. Holster. Oh, yeah. Bandolier. Baby. - Silencer. - Mm-hmm.

Bart Simpson. I'm just big-boned. No such thing. - Growth spurt? - Doesn't exist. This can't be legal! It's legal enough!

Now let's look in on our hush puppies. Ahh. Ah-- Oh, my God. I gotta do something!

Dancing? Oh, no! You're not gettin' me on that dance floor! Don't try and make me. If I have to get a divorce, I will! Our grand prize tonight is a vintage 1955... Harley-davidson motorcycle. I need a dance partner!

Stop that! Cigars are for rich people and legendary comedians... like Bill "Crosby" and David "Letterson." Oops, forgot to swirl it. Homer, did you jimmy open Mr. Burns's liquor cabinet? "jimmy" is such an ugly word, Marge,

Come join us, Lisa. It's so cool. You get to stay up all night drinking blood. And if you say you're a vampire, you get a free small soda at the movies.

Dang, I wish I could. But in August, our chain gang has to dig for tar. Well, now. I might could switch you to dead animal pick up. Hey! Ooh. Run! Huh?

You're the king, Homer! King of the neighborhood! Say, that ayatollah thinks he's better than America. Is he right? No! Yes. For only five dollars, you can sock it to him in style. Right here!

Smithers, to the laboratory.

Oh, you got a deadly game of cat and mouse going. I'll come back.

My beard. I broke my beard. Oh, my God! We can't let Homer know! What? Huh?

It's all gone. Everything... gone-diddilly-on.

Selma, jub jub is fantastic! He's everywhere you want to be. Welcome to your new home, baby. It's fantastic! Garbage collection is Monday. If you want to throw out a box, you have to cut it up. It's so modern.

Oh. It's approaching the podium! Surely it cannot speak!

We may be the best parents in the world. Mm. Good night, dear. Good night.

We need to get a message to the prison. Think. Think! Lisa's a good thinker. That's it. Ralph, you're a genius! Now, as I mime the convulsions of a condemned criminal, I remind my staff not to come to my assistance,

I didn't expect all this. Well, we never should have let you go. From now on, I'll use my gossip for good instead of evil. Three cheers for Marge Simpson! Hip, hip, hooray! Hip, hip, hooray! Hip, hip, hooray! Now, Marge,

Then I noticed she was sitting on-- her sweet can. I grab her-- sweet can. Oh, just thinking about-- her can. I just wish I-- sweet-- sweet-- s-s-sweet can. So, Mr. Simpson, you admit you grabbed her can. What do you have to say in your defense?

Oh, no! My favorite outfit! Jimbo, this is by far the worst-- Mmm. Mmm. Uh, jimbo, why don't you... assist Lunch Lady Doris in the kitchen. - Bite me, Skinner. - Well might we.

You're a grown man. It's camp! The tragically ludicrous? The ludicrously tragic? Oh, yeah. Like when a clown dies. Well, sort of. But I mean more like inflatable furniture, or Last Supper TV trays, or even this bowling shirt. Can you believe somebody gave this to Goodwill?

Thank you! It's the pimp of the nation, Kid Rock, tearing it up at spring break, y'all! Now what we'd like to do next is bring it down for a minute. Bring on the rappin' granny! What? She's hilarious.

Barbecue. Ahh. Mmm. Hey, I'm back. Nice seeing you. Hey!

That's not a funny story. Well, I guess you had to be there. Anyhow, the U.N. shut the factory down last week, and the embassy shipped me home, and here I am. So what's your story, Seymour, if that is your real name? Well, obviously it isn't. My real name is Armin Tamzarian.

Mm-hmm. Hmm. Lisa, how old are you? I am three and three eighths. Hmm. Lisa, if I have five apples, and I take away three apples, how many apples do I have left? Two apples. Wait a minute.

Bart, does it strike you as odd that Uter disappeared... and suddenly they're serving us this mysterious food called "Uterbraten"? Oh, relax, kids. I've got a "gut" feeling Uter's around here somewhere. After all, isn't there a little "Uter" in all of us?

Make up your mind. Homer! Lisa loves me. The pony stays. You got us into this. You get us out.

Okay, but don't dawdle. Your food will get cold.

Ah, but not at you, O Holiest of Gods, with the wrathfulness and the vengeance... and the blood rain and the "Hey, hey, hey, it hurts me." Look! The destroyer! He returns!

Well, I guess that's it. Come Christmas Eve, there'll be a Funzo under every tree. Unless-- So who am I beating up? Nobody. You're just gonna break into everyone's house and steal their favorite toy. Thus saving Christmas.

Bart! Our cartoon's on TV! All right! Turn up the volume! Erosion is a slow but steady process. Ah, this show ain't no good. Hee-yah!

Will there be beer? Beer is not allowed. Homer no function beer well without. Would you rather have beer or complete and utter contentment? What kind of beer? The Leader knows how miserable you, Marge, Lisa, Bart and Maggie are. Really? I'm surprised about Maggie.

Congratulations, Lisa. You are truly the standout of this year's Big Science Thing. A gift certificate from JCPenney? Yes. You'll love their slacks.

Don't spit on my cupcake and tell me it's frosting. What did she say about cupcakes?

Hey, look! Those frogs are eating all their crops! Well, that's what happens when you introduce foreign species... into an ecosystem that can't handle them.

Bart Simpson has somehow managed to sneak his bedroom into my house. Well, come on! Use your imaginations! No, Dad. I did it. It's your classic cry for attention.

It looks like everyone in Springfield showed up for this. Ha-ha! Could this town be any stupider? Order! Please rise for the, uh, Pledge of Allegiance. Get to the money! In a moment.

Mom? Lisa, the contest isn't for three hours. I'm too excited to sleep. Anyone up for the Winifred Beecher Howe Memorial? - Who's that? - An early crusader for women's rights. She led the Floor Mop Rebellion of 1910. Later, she appeared on the highly unpopular 75-cent piece.

Here you go... just kidding. Here you go... just kidding. Well, would you? Absolutely. P-hih! What's eating you, woman?

Ah, faithful toilet. You'll prove me right. I'm a-singin' in the sh-- Yeow! Oww! Hot!

Whoo-hoo! Whoo-hoo! In your face, Strawberry. Are you Ken Griffey jr.? No. Didn't mean to get your hopes up. Oh...

Fong and Sutroy. Kimball and Dawson. Aimee and Drucker. Simpson and... Burns? Oh! Quiet, you fool! You're on the one team that can't possibly be fired.

You got all that from one bag of oranges? That's right. Order now and you'll also get Sun 'n' Run, the suntan lotion that's also a laxative. Gotta get a juicer. Gotta drink juice. Lose weight.

Sir, you haven't slept since the casino opened five days ago. I've discovered the perfect business. People swarm in, empty their pockets and scuttle off! Nothing can stop me now! Except microscopic germs.

Uh, sir, this place could be bugged. Shh. Okay, now we can talk. Turn it off! Journalistic dynamite.

Let's just pray this hits the prison.

w'w' f "Love is AllAround"] Well, here I am, on my own. And I'm gonna make it, world! Be quiet in there!

This is your last warning about that.

Aww. Nothing gets chocolate out. See? I've worked with some marvelous second bananas over the years, but none more memorable than Sideshow Raheem. Uh, the script says I'm supposed to bonk you with this. - I wouldn't. - Right on.

Excellent. Fabulous. That man knows how to filibuster. Well, that was a stinker. I liked it. It was nice to see a movie where people solve their problems with words... instead of bullets and chasing.

Look, Marge. I'm making a difference in people's lives. Yes, Simpson, your love of food is contagious. I've never felt jollier. Ooh. There go my shin bones again.

It's all my fault. No, it's not. Yes, it is. You tried to warn me about gambling my family's future on some pig in a poke. I didn't listen. Homer, you were a true friend. No, I was a swine. Listen, Flanders.

Well, I’ve read enough articles about flirting... to know it when I see it.

Excusez-moi. Je ne parle pas Anglais.

Agreed. No, wait! Silence! I give you the jury of the damned! Benedict Arnold. Lizzie Borden. Richard Nixon. But I'm not dead yet. In fact, I just wrote an article for Redbook. Hey, listen, I did a favor for you. Yes, master.

but on the other hand, it's not like you go to museums or read books or anything. You think I don't want to? It's those TV networks, Marge. They won't let me-- one quality show after another, each one fresher and more brilliant than the last. If they only stumbled once, just gave us 30 minutes to ourselves.

Cold biscuits, chicken, yellow... mailman. You're reading the wine list, sir. Very good.

Meet Sir Oinkcelot,

How's my special little guy?

You can have some lima beans as soon as you've cleaned your room. Go! Upstairs, third door on the left. Don't walk on the rugs! Yes, Mother. Don't judge her too harshly, Sergeant. She was a lonely old woman.

And that's what happened. What are you looking at me like that for ? You believed his cock-and-bull story. It's looking good, Mr. Simpson.

The batter is calling for time. Looks like he's goin' and gettin' himself a new bat. And now there's a beach ball on the field, and the ball boys are discussin' which one of them's gonna go get it. I never realized how boring this game is.

I don't know. At least have the guts to take the blame, girl. You're only compounding your folly by lying about it. Right on! Young lady, cow hearts belong in a butcher's window,

You bet you are. Now as long as we're together, I expect you to be a man. - But I have to wizzle. - Fine. (GRUNTS) I miss prison. I am not chipping in on a birthday cake for that jackass, Arnie Pye. Let him eat... This is Kent Brockman live at Springfield Juvenile Hall,

Hey, Bart, dude. Whoa, you look freaked. Hey, Otto man, I got a big test that I am not ready for. Could you please crash the bus or something ? Oh, sorry, little buddy. Can't do it on purpose. But hey, maybe you'll get lucky.

I think we might have termites. These are no ordinary termites. What youve got here are Russian no-wood-niks.

Thanks for keeping me company. No problem. Well, well. If it isn't little Bart. Remember your Uncle Barney? Hey, Homer, let me hold him. All right, but just be careful. Whoa! Someone smells stinky. Oh, it's me.

And I guess it is here too. I promised my dad one of my kidneys, but I chickened out at the last minute and left him on his deathbed. Good Lord! Oh, how could you! I think I'm going to be sick. I stole this accordion from a blind monkey. But you! You disgust even me!

All right! Ahh! So, like I said, I've never had a tick burrow in so deep.

I really do like working with you, Dad. Will you keep helping me? Of course, sweetie. You and I are gonna write and sing our way out of this godforsaken hellhole. But your song said you liked Springfield. I wrote it about Shelbyville, then changed the names.

workin' For the mAn eveRy night and day This is my favorite part of the pageant because-- What does that say? Oh. It gives me a chance to visit with the girls personality. Uh, personally.

When people see this, you'll be rich and famous. D'oh.

Friend? The only friend you need is SpringShield. Monster put in wallet. That commercial is very effective.

My feet are getting wet ! Oh, come on. We're getting back to nature. Mom, I'm scared. We all are, dear. Your father says there's nothing to worry about.

You're a little young to understand this, but when you save a rich man's life, he showers you with riches ! Don't you know the story of Hercules and the lion ? A Bible story ? Probably. Anyway, once upon a time there was a big mean lion...

Oh! Did you hear that, Lisa? So all the Simpson women turn out okay. That's right, sweetie. The defective Simpson gene is on the "Y" chromosome, so only men are affected. - Yea! - Yea! So I'm not doomed!

Dad, you were nuts. You know me. Occasionally, I'll be quirky. "I'll be quirky"? Albuquerque!

Aw, that's super. I was rude to every one of you. And you saved my life when you could have just left me to fry... like the proverbial pancake that I am. Oh, Homey, I'm so glad to hear you say that. Now, would you give church another try? I'll be there next Sunday, front row, center.

And furthermore-- Ignore her, Effendi. We have each other.

Ooh, SEX-CHAT! You've reached the party line. You'll be connected to a hot party

The section now illuminated is the floating point unit, one of my personal favorite units.

the medicine balls. Ugh. Ugh.

Whoo! There's that new mega-mall they're building. They say the air conditioner will be more powerful than a million hydrogen bombs. Hey, they can't just build a parking lot on Sabertooth Meadow! That's where they discovered all those fossils. Fossils, schmossils.

Hmm! Not funny. And the one in my pants really hurts. That man who's getting all those laughs, Smithers-- Who is he? Homer Simpson, sir, one of the carbon blobs from Sector 7g.

Hi, Lisa. Hi, Super Nintendo Chalmers. I'm "learnding." Aw, way to go, Ralph. Oh, she's a beaut. You can't beat a Coleco.

It's nice and cool in here, don't you think? Welcome to the Electric Car of the Future, sponsored by the Gasoline Producers of America.

Good save, Mom. Night. Sweet dreams, honey.

I enrolled at Springfield Heights Institute of Technology... under the tutelage of the brilliant professor, john Frink. Well, sure, the Frinkiac 7 looks impressive-- don't touch it-- but I predict that within 100 years, computers will be twice as powerful, 10,000 times larger...

And that's just about eight months, mmm, now. Well, Ned, how do you feel? I feel... fine.

And you could at least get that snake out of the piano.

Boy, I sure could go for 100 tacos right about now. No. Yes, this should provide adequate sustenance for the Doctor Who marathon. You'll feel better knowing your money's...

It's some sort of land cow. Stand back, fellow settlers. Oh.

And I'll take up smoking, and give that up. Good for you, Son. Giving up smoking is one of the hardest things you'll ever have to do. - Have a dollar. - But he didn't do anything. Didn't he, Lisa? Didn't he? - Hey, wait a minute. He didn't. - Homie, please.

I can't lie to myself, you know. I do miss my Kwik-E-Mart. Isn't there anything you can do to get your job back? I must go to the head office and appeal my case. I'm coming with you! I got you fired. It's the least I can do. Well, the least I can do is absolutely nothing. But I'll go you one better and come along.

Hey! Kirk Van Houten-- I live across the way. Ha-ha-ha. If you don't like losin' at cribbage, stay outta my place. Oh, okay. No, no! I'll let you win. I'll let you win. God, I-- I'm really lonely.

Scaredy got scared! Well, you'd be scared too if you saw a monster.

Steak or chicken ? One of each, please. - Comin' through ! - Barney ! Oh, yes, they call him the streak, whoo That young man has bought himself about a decade of detention.

D'oh! (EXCLAIMING) (BRAKES SCREECHING)

(MARGE GASPS IN SURPRISE) Now we own you! But I haven't endorsed it yet! Football injury. (LAUGHS) Now why don't you just sign the check? Here, use my pen. Forget it.

Not this time, you won't. This is your third strike. First, you torched that orphanage, then you blew up that bus full of nuns. Hey, that was self-defense. Well, you'll be seeing lots of nuns where you're going, pal-- Hell! Because the penalty for strike three is death. Oh, you'll never make it stick, dude.

"Id: Along with the ego and the superego, one of three components of the psyche." Get outta here. My turn. "Kwyjibo." K-W-Y-j-i-B-O. Twenty-two points, plus triple word score,

Namaste. And a-ooga-booga to you too. May I tell you about our white-light specials? Absolutely not. My little girl's tummy hurts.

Mmm. Mmm. Huh? Everyone's gone. Oh, how embarrassing. Ooh, we slept right through church. Eh, it's not the end of the world.

A toast to the Simpsons! And to the delectable turkey-- That's walking around the table? Dear Lord! It's a demon bird!

Drinks all around !

(NERVOUS GROAN) Come on, baby, read my sash. You're the "major"? That's "mayor," you fertile moron!

I don't think so. Okay. Here you need a musical montage where you try on lots of funny hats. - It'll let us see your playful side. - No.

No! Well, this is it. The last call for Moe. Ahh! Ah, God! Whaaaa-

Hey, I know you. You’re my mechanic- Junior. Frank Grimes, Jr.

Well, I guess we both learned a lesson. But if anybody asks, you hit him.

Move it, pokey. Slow and steady wins the race.

I, uh, can't commit to a relationship. I'm too nice.

Two apples. Wait a minute.

Double bologna! No pimentos! Don't forget to make it... Mom, where's my..? That's enough!

Is this the untimely end of Milhouse? But Milhouse is my name. But I thought I was the only one. A pain I know all too well. So this is what it feels like when doves cry.

Nope. Just you, Marge, and Yogi Bear. (CHUCKLES) Kidding! (CHUCKLES) Well, I see your sense of humor's not affected. - That's a very bad sign. - (WHIRS) (ELECTRICAL CRACKLING) (SCREAMS)

Oh! (GASPS) LISA: No! Way to go, Moon Milhouse! It's as easy as crushing an ant. You know the... (GRUNTING) Whoa!

Why don't we put this in the "maybe" pile? This was originally a Halloween costume, but it found its way into my regular rotation. Uh-huh.

Krusty! Krusty!

Ladies and gentlemen, it's Up Late With McBain. i'm your announcer, obergruppenfuehrer Wolfcastle.

Hey, Bart. Hey, you. When I was a kid, I didn't have much money. You know what I did when my sisters' birthdays rolled around? Stiffed them? No. I wrote them a song to show that I cared. I can't write a song. I'm only ten.

Ah, this show ain't no good.

Oh, that's my girl. I feel more popular already. Hey, uh, nice smile. Thanks. Hey, what are you talkin' to her for ? She's just gonna say somethin' weird. - Not me. - You know, I used to think you were some brainiac,

Attempted murder? You'll burn for this-- burn in jail! It was an accident! Yeah, yeah. Save it for Dateline Tuesday. Uh, what's your address so I can come arrest you? Arrest me? Um, my address, it's, um, 123 Fake Street.

Well, at least I went down like a man. You look like a Malaysian transsexual. Good for you, Mrs. K. Yeah, you don't need a husband to be happy! Okay, Marge, I hear ya. Now that Krabappel's made her decision,

they're such short shorts we like short shorts

Say! Did somebody say box kites? No! Up, up and away

(SCREAMING) Stupid women drivers! (SCREAMING) Stupid women helicopter pilots! (SCREAMING) Everyone okay?

MAN: It's the Paul Lynde, Helen Reddy, Hudson Brothers Easter Special, with guest stars Willie Tyler and Lester, and Nadia Comaneci. I'd like to hippity-hop on your balance beam. I don't think you understand the mechanics of heterosexual sex. Well, circle gets the square.

Hmm. Maybe if I stand next to the games looking sad, someone will feel sorry for me and buy me one.

I'll be fine. just give me a second to-- Come on, Eve! Hurry! Oh, my dear sweet Eve. I love you even more than the butterscotch pond or the porno bush. So! This is how you repay me, Adam!

Now, I'll admit, car crashes and fistfights have been down recently, but prohibition has cost us our freedom-- our freedom to drink! Now, hold on a minute, missy. It's not up to us to choose which laws we want to obey. If it were, I'd kill everyone who looked at me cockeyed!

Guess what, everyone! My Great-uncle Boris died... and left us his old country house! There's only one catch. They say it's haunted. But I'm sure we can prove 'em wrong by spending the weekend there. Hididilly-ho, neighbor! Get lost, Flanders. Okilly-dokilly.

Now you're swingin', honey. Darn it!

Listen! Ned Flanders murdered his wife!

I don't know, Dad. Don't you have a better picture? Relax. A photo can't make any difference. He looks crazy. Agreed. Reading his essay would only waste valuable seconds. Finally, the great taste of Worcestershire Sauce... in a soft drink!

You're 38 years old, you don't know how to box,

and its small clientele of loyal perverts. Oh, I'm afraid this problem goes far beyond Eugene and Rusty.

Aaah! Aw, geez. How did this happen? All I wanted was to glue feathers on felt... and teach the boys good citizenship-- and now it's a donnybrook.

Celebrities at ringside tonight-- Star of the McBain action films, and featured player in the Hollywood prostitution scandal--

Sure, your dad's singing could make your hair curl But you too, Bart, have Sung and danced like A girl Eep. It's so thick!

We'll look for the house with no numbers. Then I'll take off the numbers on my neighbor's house. Then we'll look for the house next to the house with no numbers. All right. You'll get your money. You're my last, last chance, bottom of the barrel, Hail Mary, long shot, wish you would do it, but probably won't, final resort to lend me money.

Very clever, Simpson, luring our bees to your sugar pile... and then selling them back to us at an inflated price.

Why dont you just stop playing? Tell that to the brave crew ofthe SS. Triangle. ts the evil rocks. Take that. Homer, I really dont want to feed you. Come on. You’re always saying we should do things as a couple.

More rubber stamps. Principal Skinner, this is your secretary.

Oh, help! Ooh! If I could just-- Ooh! This is really not-- Ooh! You're hurting my-- Ooh!

hmm. Well? "Su-poib."

Uh, excuse me, Mr. Simpson.

Steal second! I think I'm gonna puke! Hey, who's on first? Touchdown! Safe! Hey, Carl? Isotopes!

Barney ! Homer's not made of money, you know.

The movie tested through the roof, Mel. The sea captain gave it four "arr's." Bumblebee Man says "Muy bueno." And we were worried about the Latino market, huh? - Huh? Huh? Huh? - Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Worry. Come on. They can't all have loved it. "Loved it." "Loved it." "Loved it." "Loved it despite absence of flubber. Glavin"?

Did you have the same backwards-talking dream with the flaming cards? I'll drive.

And I'm teen sensation Britney Spears.

When we got married, is this how you thought we'd be spending our Saturdays? Driving out to the boondocks to trade in a refrigerator motor? Eh, I never thought I'd live this long.

Sleeping sweetly... I won't tell if you don't tell.

How's your company gonna make money? Do you have a business model?

So in a way, I too am a victim... Of you. You're a great mom. You were always there for Bart with love and support. His acting out was probably caused by negative reinforcement. Oh, I get it. Blame the strangler!

That's a good boy. Good boy. Do your dirty, sinful business. Howdy, Reverend Lovejoy. Nice to see you there... on my lawn with... your dog. Oh. Uh, oh. Bad dog. Look at that. Right on Ned's lawn. Now, how could you do such a thing?

Help! Ugh! This mosquito net's not working. No, no. You have it inside out. There. When do we get to see the animals? In the morning, little one. Now, good night, and don't let the bedbugs paralyze.

But I'll pass your file along to-- Brown. Mmm. Heck of a school. Weren't you at Brown, Otto? Yep. Almost got tenure too. No! Not Brown! Brown. Brown. Brown. Lisa, you're saying "Brown" an awful lot. Are you okay?

Ahh! Yeah, that's one fine-looking barbecue pit.

to finally put out that blaze on the east side of town. Boring!

you can absorb books instantly by attaching this electrode to the brainpan...

Ow! Ow! That bullet went in! Just like Cinderella The prince solved the mystery Well, I conducted the test myself And that slip looks just the right size for me Well, I like that girl

Elmo go to wrong fundraiser.

Then we top it off with bacon, ham, and a fried egg. We call it the Good Morning Burger. I've got to help him. Okay, Milhouse I'll trade your Carl Yastrzemski baseball card for my Omar Vizquel.

No, that stinks. Let me try one. "This is Geraldine, and the devil made me miss your call, "so here come the beep. Here come the beep!" "Do the message!"

D'oh! Bart Simpson, you're late. Go fill out a tardy slip. But I'm only five-- 10, 20-- 40 minutes? That's pretty damn late. Come on, over this way. Hey, girls, look at me!

Smithers, what are you doing up here? What are you doing with his ball? And all those other balls? Uh, there are no other balls. just these, uh, reptile eggs! Oh, step away! They're endangered.

Sorry, Chief. Um, we were just playing. Ralphie, you got a friend? Hey, that's fantastic! Here, here. Have some riot gear. It's on the house.

So, if I could have my yo-yo back... If you were me would you give back the yo-yo? Here you go... just kidding. Here you go... just kidding. Well, would you?

Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Jingle Bell R-- Huh? Jingle bell what? Dad, it's a blackout. A blackout?

Damn Scots! They ruined Scotland!

Do the hustle do the hustle Did you know that disco record sales... were up 400% for the year ending 1976? If these trends continue-- 'EY! Uh, your fish are dead.

Kid Rock, that's not like you. And, joe C., would your mama want you stretching out that sweatshirt like that? No, sir. Please don't tell Mama. They called you a pig, Sheriff. Well, I don't care what they call me... as long as they play "Fist of Rage." That's a good song.

Hee-hee! Whee! Whoa-ho-ho! Lisa, never, ever stop in the middle of a hoedown.

Finally, Bart's one of us. Excelsior!

(SIGHS) I was supposed to shoot you, but I didn't! I changed the future! What have I done? I've changed the future for the worse.

And then Bart opened the door, and Principal Skinner and Mrs. Krabappel were kissing! And swearing! Father! Uncle Apu! A teacher was in the closet with the principal. And he had as many arms as Vishnu. And they were all very busy. Wow. I was in the library at the time.

just one look at you my heart grew tipsy Ugh! I'll get it. Talk to me.

Daddy? Daddy? Where are you, Dad-- So, who wants a Preflight cookie? Fig Newtons? Hydrox? Daddy? Don't look at me! Don't look at me!

Breakfast! Breakfast?

Well, there's nothing scarier than having to go to school.

And, Marge, you're a consultant.

And I'm a superstar at the cracker factory. You're letting me go? Kirk, crackers are a family food. Happy families. Maybe single people eat crackers. We don't know. Frankly, we don't want to know. It's a market we can do without. So that's it after 20 years-- so long, good luck?

boning up on his nerd lessons. Homer, you should be more supportive. - You're right, Marge. Good work, boy. - Hmm. Egghead likes his booky-wook Homer! just tucking him in. Here you go-- your rubber training knife. You've attained the rank of Pussy Willow.

Name? Hmm. Name. Name. My name is...

Bawitdaba da bang a dang diggy diggy diggy

Tell me 'bout your husband, Marge. Well-- When we were dating, he was sweeter... and more romantic and 40 pounds thinner, and he had hair, and he ate with utensils. What was that last thing you said ? Ah. Isn't that your wife, Homer ?

Sir, that's by Homer Simpson. I don't think you want to buy it. Smithers, years ago I blew the chance to buy Picasso's Guernica for a song. Luckily that song was "White Christmas,"

Yeah, he wishes.

But I do No, your wife don't understand you But I do I said, no one understands you But I do

So, what do you do to kill time in here? There's a DVD player, but it doesn't work. (CLANKING) Why'd you buy the first hover car ever made? Didn't you know it'd take time to work out the kinks? Ha-ha! I know! It's a hover car!

There. Isn't that a lot better? Now you can do whatever you want, but don't mess up the house. We won't. And now let's try another lucky phone call. Help! Help us!

Oooh, I've wasted my life.

The opportunity to prove yourself a hero is long gone. This is our tour group. Mm-hmm. This is a Mexican delicacy called a taco platter. Mmm, delicious.

Come on, Dad. You can make it. Oh, of course he'll make it. It's TV. Uh, how'd you solve the door dilemma? Homer Simpson was the real hero here. He jury-rigged the door close using this.

Homer, Principal Skinner is here. Hello, Principal Skinner. I'd get up, but the boy crippled me. Mm-hmm. I understand completely.

The point is he said a bad word. Oh. Oh, right. Well, kids usually pick these things up from someplace. Find out who's doing it and direct them to the Bible. Where in the Bible? Uh... page 900. But, Reverend... Damn Flanders.

Lisa! That's right. It was I. Lise, why did you do it?

Seems nobody wants to hang out in a dank pit no more. You ain't thinkin' of gettin' rid of the dank, are ya, Moe? Ahh, maybe I am. Ah, but, Moe, the dank-- the dank! Yeah, family restaurants. That's where the big bucks are. I could turn this joint into a place...

Currently, the Vietcong- I mean the Homers... are occupying these areas. By tOmOrrow- Good God, we're doomed! No! We're out of doughnuts!

Eh, a-googilly-doogilly. I can't believe you didn't invite me, after I painted those cool stripes all over your car. I know! I'll throw my own barbecue! The greatest barbecue this town has ever seen. And I'll only invite who I want. That'll show you.

has escalated into a citywide orgy of destruction. Reacting swiftly, Mayor Quimby has declared mob rule. So for the next several years, it's every family for itself! Ex-Ex-Excuse me, sir.

Close one this year. Here we sit enjoying the shade Hey, brother pour on the wine - Drink the drink that I have - made - Hey, brother pour on the wine He's here at last my one and only Good-bye friends And don't be lonely Hey, brother pour on the wine Marge, I need you !

You're never going to see that boy again. Milhouse! Samantha!

I made millions in software and lost it at the track. Ach! It may not be glamorous, but it's good, honest work. How much is this quart of milk? Twelve dollars. Hey, Barney, what'll it be? I'd like a beer, Moe.

Mmm. Good night, Homer. Now, now low b-flat. Okay, Lisa. "Altissimo" register.

This is a love song about a dude I met in a sleazy motel. A dude named God. Oh. In a motel room in Delacroix I was drinking like a Dartmouth boy And thinking 'bout the wrong turns that I took

Maybe even more so than me. There have been times when I lost patience with him, even lashed out at him, but this man has turned every cheek on his body. If everyone here were like Ned Flanders, there'd be no need for heaven.

Miss Bada-Boom-Boom-Boom! She had more acting talent in one boob... than most women have in their entire rack. Yeah. You with the million-dollar gams. Don't you see? He's pointing out how sexist men can be.

One hot dog, please.

The joys of mortgaging your future. Huh? My fantasy's come true! Hey, kid. You wanna see a dead body?

Simpsons Christmas Boogie? Simpsons Christmas Boogie

Well, it's blue, six feet long-- Eww! It's my hair! Excuse me. Your mother seems really upset about something.

I've selected the cast for our Presidents' Day Pageant. Martha Washington will be played by Lisa Simpson. George Washington will be played by... Ralph Wiggum. Hmm.

Hey, a red one! Can I buy that? Please? Well, you-- If you-- Really? Wha-- Ha! Hot dog! A sale! Huh? I'll take it from here, Gil.

Oh! Hmm. Dad, were all those people on the list? I don't know.

Those reports were later confirmed. Arr! I'm in a lot of trouble now. Hey, I'll give you a hundred bucks to take the blame. A cleanup effort is already under way, and, as always, the first to pitch in are those unsung heroes, Hollywood movie stars.

Your nickname will be Cosmos. Well, I'm done eating. Good-bye. Good-bye, Cosmos! Bye-bye.

But my IQ is only 159. Maggie's more intelligent than me? That's right, because 167 is a bigger number than 159. Do you see how that works? Yes, thank you.

Wow. Officer, uh, this man is making me a little edgy. Could you please give me a ride to the airport? Well, hey, hey! You're Mel Brooks! Sure. I'll give you a ride! Thank you. On the way we can do that $2,000 man thing. You be Carl Reiner, and I'll be Police Chief Wiggum.

Oh, why did they have to screw up a perfectly serviceable wagon story... with all that fruity singing? I thought it was toe-tappin' fun. Singing is the lowest form of communication.

Is that story true, Grampa? Well, most of it. I did wear a dress for a period in the '40s. Oh, they had designers then. Look what I got, Marge. A new whacking stick. Whack!

Aw, cripes! Now I gotta comb this side over. All right, Homer, I'm not gonna lie to you. There's a good chance you can beat Tatum. But you gotta visualize how you're gonna win, okay? Gotcha.

Whoo! All hands on deck! Pirates off the port bow! Hey.

Oh, he'll sleep tonight.

Huh? Where you going with that junk, Dad? I'm gonna be an outsider artist. That way I can turn all these old baseball cards, Disney memorabilia... and antiques into something valuable.

Poor, predictable Bart. Always takes rock. Good old rock. Nothing beats that. - Rock. - Paper. D'oh! You call this writing? If I puked in a fountain pen and mailed it to the monkey house, I'd get better scripts. But, sir, at Harvard-- Oh, at Harvard they taught you? Hit the streets, egghead!

I need to unwind. I know you do, Marge but you know what our vacations are like-- Those three monsters in the backseat-- "Are we there yet? Are we there yet?" And I'm no day at the beach either. "Marge, can I have another sandwich? Marge, can I have another sandwich?"

They'll never know the simple joys of a monkey knife fight. Give it to him, boy! Give it to him! Thrust! Parry! Stab, stab, stab, stab! Oh, he ain't pretty no more.

Oh, Marge, my loyal wife, of course not. And Lisa, my little princess. And who could forget dear Rat Boy? Rat Boy? I resent that.

Bart, does it strike you as odd that Uter disappeared... and suddenly they're serving us this mysterious food called "Uterbraten"?

and that is a phony kidnapping. Yeah, right. I don't know. Maybe I should just leave town. Phony kidnapping. Nah. I know what I gotta do. I gotta clean up my act. No more joking around all the time.

Only one member of the Springfield Seven was identified. She's been described as a woman in her early 30s, yellow complexion and may be extremely helpful.

Look. It got Patty and Selma. - I feel it all the way up my skirt. - Ditto. Whoa! Whoa!

I'm dying, Moe. Is-- Is there anything I can do? No. Unless you have a cure for cancer. Do you have a cure for cancer? 'Cause that would be great! I'm sorry, Professor. Good-bye, Moe.

Well, I'm glad some people could resist the lures of the big game. I forgot the game! It all comes down to this one play. If Washington scores, happy fans will be looting and turning over cars in our nation's capital tonight. Please, please, please.

Ah, Oliver North. He was just poured into that uniform. I didn't do it. I didn't do it.

Yes, I think a series of painful injections... directly into Bart's spine should get the job done. Hmm? What happened?

Who wants peanuts? Hey, whoa! Ho, peanuts! Hey, peanuts! We got peanuts! Need some peanuts? Heads up! All right, Monty it's up to your managerial skills. What to do-- Smithers, massage my brain. Yes, sir.

Dear friends, 41 years ago...

What a lame-o !

Homie, is that you? Marge, kids, you're alive! All the layers of lead paint in this house made it the perfect bomb shelter. Ohhh, come here.

Wow! Look at the size of that platform!

Now, Homer, please. The boy's just had a very serious operation. Oh, right.

I... am a coward!

Wait. Don't go. Love me! Well, if you wanted people to love you, you sure blew it with that insane rampage. But you know what? To be loved, you have to be nice to people... every day.

You just bought yourself one day of detention. You know where and when. Well, no, I don't. Actually, I've never really-- 3:00, old building, room 106.

No. I got hit by a couple of cars. I won't be able to play today. Yes!

It's okay, son. You can recover. Come on, Bart. Remember what Vince Lombardi said: "If you lose, you're out of the family."

Man, that is flagrant false advertising! It's just not a dinner party without a melon baller. And we'll need a citrus zester, a ravioli crimper.

Homicidal robots. So like us. Bart, the test is in two hours... and you havent slept in a fortnight. What’s a fortnight? You should know. ts on the test.

which is now spewing noxious debris into the air. How male. ALL: Mmm-hmm. With me is my 8-year-old camera girl, Lisa Simpson. She's taken my daughter to an erupting volcano? That's it! She is off the Christmas card list! Marge, that's crazy talk!

Exhibit A: Steamboat Itchy, dated 1928. The very first Itchy and Scratchy cartoon. And the credits clearly state,

and Then try to break that record. Sounds like a pretty crappy game to me. Yes, well, get started. Oh, my God! It's Cocoa Beanie himself! I think this is something Bart would really have enjoyed.

Aahh! Perhaps you're wondering why you have two heads. My body was crushed, so I had head grafted onto your, shall we say, ample frame. I can wake up. It's all a dream. It's just a dream. Oh, that's right. It's all a dream... or is it?

Hey, Louis, watch this.

Now, which way is Mecca? 'Cause I gotta do a little prayin'. Uh, Mecca? Well, let-- Nah! I'm just yanking your chain! I'm Jewish.

Simpson, how old do you think I am ? Uh, I don't know. A hundred and two ?

There, I finally said it. Drop the cone, sugar!

And now, it's time for Match Game 2034, with Billy Crystal,

"My dad's job takes him to all parts of the community. "He performs a valuable service but is often misunderstood "like a vulture or the flesh-eating maggot."

No, Dad. You could really brighten the holidays for those less fortunate. Yeah, right. It's time to rebuild my self-esteem. Hey, what happened to-- Oh, good Lord! What a week!

Dad, the next time we see you, we'll do something more fun. Oh, what could be more fun... than today's trip to the liquor store ? Thanks for the beef jerky ! Say good-bye to Grampa, everyone. Bye !

What... would Jesus do? Hey! Hey! Hey! Whoa, whoa! Whoa! Oh, yeah!

When he's done in there, I gotta go.

Mom! Mom! Stop the car! Dad went to take a bath, and the bear carried him off! Yeah. It almost wrecked the whole trip. Ma'am, I will find your husband before that bear kills him.

Outstanding Achievement in the Field of... Excellence. Don't I get some kind of trophy? And a big awards ceremony? It's the first annual montgomery burns award For...

"Feelin' fine." Well, that's a relief.

Nine out of 10 orphans can't tell the difference. Yo, Mr. Black. Another brandy. Gentlemen, to evil. Marge, since the kids left, I've lost five pounds! Oh, that's wonderful! And look-- new hair! I'm this close to having a comb-over.

Help us, Virtual Doc. Look at me. I'm on my knees. Good-bye.

I like ice cream I like ice cream How about you?

Magic johnson?!

It says "No Homers." We're allowed to have one.

Your sister says you have something to tell me. What? Uh-- Um, yeah. Oh, I just-- I just wanted to say how great it is... to finally see some chicks on the bench. Mm. Keep up the good work, toots.

Comin' through! Can't throw me out. My father's a member. I'm in. I'm in. Okay, okay, Homer, you're in. just don't point that thing at me.

I was wrong about that, so-- Well, you can see how anyone can be wrong. Sleek, vigilant puma-- principal of the mountains. Hi, Lise. Want to quiz me on the vowels?

Flush! It's a miracle! I performed a miracle! I'm a genius! Yeah, yeah. Hurry, everyone! We don't have much time!

Sir, she is not an alcoholic. You can't put me on hold! I'll put you on hold!

Mom, can you bring me more O.J.? Can you get me some of those Flintstones chewable morphine? There's no such thing. Marge, the boy's wasting valuable time.

Hey, kids ! Who do you love ? Krusty ! How much do you love me ? With all our hearts ! What would you do if I went off the air ? We'd kill ourselves ! What's that, Sideshow Bob ? This is Brittany and today's her birthday ?

Stupid hippo. This just in. Tensions continue to mount between Springfield and France... over Mayor Quimby's now-famous frog's legs joke! The French president has threatened swift and massive retaliation... if he doesn't receive an immediate apology. Stupid frog. We now go live to city hall...

That's why they hire teenagers. But-- But I'm very mature for my age. People often mistake me for nine. Homer, I've got a Fozzie of a bear of a problem. Maude and her mother were visiting Tyre and Sidon, the twin cities of the Holy Land.

That's what he wore to church! Oh, how convenient! Bart, honey, do you know who did take the money? No. See, son? Telling the truth isn't so bad.

- Now you are the one who is it. - Understood. Well, I've gotta hand it to you, Seymour. These drab student coverings... have created the perfect distraction-free environment, thus preparing the children for permanent positions in tomorrow's mills... and processing facilities. Best of all, with less than a minute to go before I leave,

It's about how much copper wire you can get out of the building with. Looks like you can't retire by age 12. Yeah. But at least now that my show's canceled, I don't need material. So there's no need to lure my dad into the trap I set for him. The trap!

you’re 38 and managing a Barnes & Noble.

No, I do not know what "schadenfreude" is. Please tell me because I'm dying to know. It's German for "shameful joy--" taking pleasure in others' suffering. I'm just glad to see him fall flat on his butt.

Tell me where you are now, you bastard! All right, I admit it. I miss the phonies. That's all I miss-- that and Shirley