comb.io - Clips

Oh! Dirty diapers on strings! Ow! Ohh! Ohh! Ow! Ooh!

Remove the Stone of Shame. Whoo-hoo! Attach the Stone of Triumph. Huh?

I love you, I love you, I love you.

Yep. I saw her. That is to say, I seen her.

Who wants a bathtub mint julep? Mm-hmm!

Well, I am. Let me have that card.

I've been so blind. I'll lavish my attention on Maggie, the forgotten Simpson. Maggie! It's me, Daddy! Daddy's gonna spend a lot more time with you. Yes, he is. Yes, he is!

we sell the parts off Jason Bateman's Bentley. What did you do to my car? Dude, you've been chop shopped! Why would you do that? How am I gonna get home? Chop shop! Chop shop!

Computers can do that? Oh, yes. The only problem is the moral dilemma it raises, which requires-- Oh, I love-- Moral whuzzah? An A-plus! How did you do it? Oh, let's just say I had help from a little magic box. You changed your grade with a computer? D'oh!

Sunrise, sunset. Sunrise, sunset. Sunrise, sunset. Sunrise, sunset. Sunrise, sunset. Note to self: Stop doing anything. Has anyone seen Homer? Marge, better you hear it from me than some gossipy neighbor.

I don't need to do my work, 'cause someone else will do it for me. D'oh, d'oh, d'oh. Hey, you okay, Grimey? I'm better than okay. I'm Homer Simpson. You wish.

You will not be getting a tattoo for Christmas. Yeah. If you want one, you'll have to pay for it out of your own allowance. All right ! Homer ! "Yello." Marge, please. Who's this ? May I please speak to Marge ? This is her sister, isn't it ? Is Marge there ? Who shall I say is calling ? Marge, please.

I told 'em a chain link fence wouldn't hold rhinos. Oh, wait. No, I didn't. I meant to tell 'em.

Lack of discipline. I'm beginning to see the problem. We don't believe in rules. Like, we gave them up when we started living like freaky beatniks. You don't believe in rules, yet you want to control Ned's anger. Yeah. You've gotta help us, Doc. We've tried nothing, and we're all out of ideas.

What do you do? A problem with the reactor?! We're all going to die! Run! Mmm... mmm. Did you get the job? Nah, they wanted someone good. Story of my life.

I'll, uh, print you out a copy. Thanks. Hello. Smithers. You're. Quite. Good. At. Turning. Me. On. Um, you probably should ignore that.

Little girl, I've had lots of jobs in my day-- whale hunter, seal clubber, president of the Fox network-- And, like most people, yeah, I've dealt a little ivory.

Dad, I know you think you're happy now, but it's not gonna last forever. Everything lasts forever. Don't you see? Getting what you want all the time... will ultimately leave you unfulfilled and joyless. Remove the girl. Dad, you're not with the Stonecutters now. There are no lackeys around to carry out your every--

This is a trap. It's gonna catch us our dinner. Come on, boy. Shh! Just watch. Ooh! Aha! Got 'em!

I'll have to read Marge's book. And I swore never to read again after To Kill a Mockingbird gave me no useful advice on killing mockingbirds! It did teach me not to judge a man based on the color of his skin. But what good does that do me?

He framed Krusty, he tried to kill Aunt Selma, he rigged an election-- And he tried to murder me!

if you cut every corner it is really not so bad everybody does it even mom and dad If nobody sees it

I didn't do it. Yea! Come on, Lisa. Say somethin' funny. Like what? Oh, somethin' stupid like Bart would say. Bucka bucka, or woozle wozzle. Somethin' like that. Forget it, Dad. If I ever become famous, I want it to be for something worthwhile, not because of some obnoxious fad.

I believe you have a letter for me. Okay, Mr. Burns. Uh, what's your first name? I don't know. Well, Homer, maybe you can take some consolation... in the fact that something you created is making so many people happy. "Ooh! Look at me. I'm making people happy.

Oh, she's just upset 'cause I told her her brain's turning to mush. You know, on account of the Simpson gene. Simpson gene? That's just foolishness! No. Baldness too. So please, I beg you, don't take your brain for granted. It's the best friend you'll ever have.

Well, I guess he just doesn't respect his customers. Oh, could you make sure not to scrape my asphalt. Kiss my asphalt.

Everything's gonna be just fine. I'm gonna get you to a doctor. He will fix you up, and by this time tomorrow, we'll all be a happy family. Happy, happy, happy family! Maggie!

All the kids in Springfield are S.O.B.s. Gabbo's kind of language has no place on or off TV. And that's my two cents. That oughta hold those S.O.B.s. What the--

People, please! We're all frightened and horny. But we can't let some killer dolphins keep us from living and scoring! Willie, must you do that now? Ach! You want streaks? 'Cause if you interrupt me, that's what you'll get!

I'm goin' to Duff Gardens! Duff Gardens! Home of the Whiplash! To be completed in 1994. And the Washing Machine!

Abortions for all. Very well. No abortions for anyone. Hmm. Abortions for some, miniature American flags for others.

Marge, look! "The world's best jacket." If I had this, it would show everybody. Show everybody. Yes, finally. I would like to return your quote, unquote "Ultimate Belt."

See you in hell! From heaven.

Go off to journalism school,

No. Mom, Bart and some kids ran off to wage war on Shelbyville! Homer, come quick! Bart's quit his tutoring job and joined a violence gang!

Introducing Ling Bouvier! (GASPS) Selma, she's beautiful. (GURGLING) This is Homer, your daddy. Without him, I wouldn't have you.

No. Mom, Bart and some kids ran off to wage war on Shelbyville! Homer, come quick! Bart's quit his tutoring job and joined a violence gang!

I know I really shouldn't, but when am I gonna be here again?

Lisa and Marge, these braces are invisible, painless... and periodically release a delightful burst... of Calvin Klein's Obsession for Teeth. Hmm! Doctor, we don't have a dental plan right now, so we'll need something a little more... affordable.

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING) Grandpa, will you take me fishing? Sorry, Jimmy. Your grandma and I are going to have old people sex. Thank you, Jammitin. (ROCK MUSIC PLAYING) Oh! There's nothing but filth on TV.

ladies and gentlemen, the Fan Man!

Uh- I mean "bird." Wait a minute now! Guess what. I'm dying- with the basting... and the Butterballing, and the chestnut stuffing in my puplkl Gobble-gobble-gobble! Death.

But is it right to put such young children on display? Sure it is. Huh? Butch Patrick! That's right. I was TV's Eddie Munster. And being in the public eye didn't mess me up one bit. Mm-hmm. Well, obviously. Hey, one question, Eddie. Butch. Yeah, right, right.

Mrs. Krabappel and Principal Skinner were in the closet making babies. And I saw one of the babies. And the baby looked at me.

Waldo, where are you?

Lisa and Jesse sitting in a tree, - K-I-S-S-I-N-G-- - Shut up. First comes love, then comes-- Um-- Damn it, I know this.

We ended up with nothing because the three of us can't share. - What's your point ? - Nothin'. just kind of ticks me off. Well, the world is safe again, but for how long ?

He's like an unfunny version of me. Where's Bart? His Mountain Dew is getting flat. That's odd. He's outside digging. Probably digging for drugs. There's no drugs out there. No, of course not. It's not a school project. I'd have heard of it. I'd better go check it out.

Homer, say something. Okay. Lisa, quit getting in the way of your wealthy brother's peas. Oh, yuck. Meat loaf. My most hated of all loafs. That was the end piece! That's it! Being abusive to your family is one thing,

Marge dear, would you kindly pass me a doughnut? Doughnut? What's a doughnut?

Then it's agreed. I'll supply you terrorists with deadly uranium. You are a credit to the great Satan. Oh, pshaw.

with their eyes.

All right, we're here. Let us never speak of the shortcut again. Now, remember, we're in the Itchy Lot.

Oh, glory of glories! Oh, heavenly testament to the eternal majesty of God's creation! Holy macaroni!

All of 'em great. I did the commercials myself. Remember kids, Drunken Cowboy brand whiskey is smooth as milk!

No! Stop! I left my gun on the seat!

Color sky Havana lake Color sky rose carmethene Alizarin crimson Wear your love like heaven Wear your love like heaven Wear your love like heaven

- Better or worse? - Much better! Lisa, no! Your hands are too weak! Ow! Ow! Ooh! I'll mace you good!

Whatever will we do? There's only one person who can get us out of this pickle. Lisa? Yes? Help me into Ralph's costume. Showtime, children. Let's go. Okay, curtain puller. This is your moment to shine. Oh, it's too important. I'll do it for you.

His spirit is my collateral. just sign this form and the money will be yours. Sorry, I was just thinking of something funny Smithers did today. I didn't do anything funny, sir. Shut up.

Got any of that beer that has candy floating in it? You know, SkittlebrÄu? Such a product does not exist, sir. I think you must have dreamed it. Oh. Well, then just give me a six-pack and a couple of bags of Skittles.

Dad, make Bart wash his hand. Sorry, Lise. I no longer control the hand. The hand controls me! Dad! Shut up, you little monsters! Hello, I was wondering if you'd like to babysit my little angels.

Homer, there's a family of possums in here. I call the big one Bitey. I'm going to see Mr. Lanley.

- 'Tis a fine barn, but sure 'tis no pool, English. - D'oh-ith!

That's South Dakota. Oh!

Don't blame me. I didn't do it.

What's the matter ? I would think you'd be used to failing by now. No, you don't understand. I really tried this time. I really tried. There, there.

Do you have any jewelry you don't need? Mmmmm. You're so beautiful.

Uh-oh! We'll give that punk a joe C-section. Let's do this thing. All right now, boys, that's enough.

Toreador, oh, don't spit on the floor Please use the cuspidor That's what it's for - Bart, stop fooling around.

Oh, there's my sweet little Maggie.

You'll see all your favorite soccer stars, like Ariaga, Ariaga ii, Bariaga, Aruglia, and Pizzoza!

(CELL PHONE RINGS) Hello? Chloe, forget about the Women's Conference. I need you to get over to Mount Springfield! It's about to erupt. Don't we have a reporter who specializes in natural disasters? Yeah. He's busy covering Julia Roberts' last haircut. (CHUCKLES) But seriously, he's dead. Now, get going.

just follow me. Put your hand on my hip. Okay.

Hang in there, baby. You said it, kitty. "Copyright 1968"? Hmm. Determined or not, that cat must be long dead. That's kind of a downer.

hey Good God it make me feel so good inside, mama Shh!

Go ahead-a, Bart. Take-a the Bonestorm. The store, she's so rich she'll-a never notice. Duh, it's the company's fault for making you want it so much. Don't do it, son. How's that game gonna help your putting?

How did I get here? What is this place? This is... the Island. How do I get out of here? Oh, no one leaves the Island. So I'm a prisoner? How come? Because you know something. But I don't know anything-- At least I don't think I do.

while you spend the afternoon watching unpredictable Mexican sitcoms. ¡Ay, el estÓmago! Run along, you little scamp.

(GULPS) See you in the morning. You monster! (SCREAMING) We placed a compliance chip in the back of your neck during the company physical. (LAUGHING) That's it, mister. I am disgruntled. And up until now, I was relatively gruntled.

Stop clapping! Whoa! Go, Lisa! Come on, everybody. Give it up for my little girl. Stop the clapping! You'll kill us all!

because we all have a crayon up our nose. Maybe it's not a crayon made of wax. Maybe it's a crayon made of prejudice. Question. Yes, Nelson. A moron says what? Not being a moron, I wouldn't know. However-- What? Ladies and gentlemen, I give you your moron.

Okay, Marge, I'll plan everything. We can have the reception at Moe's. Wait. Why not have the whole wedding there? We'll do it on a Monday morning. There'll be fewer drunks. Homer, don't take this personally, but I've obtained a court order to prevent you from planning this wedding. Well, these seem to be in order. I'll be out back in the hammock.

Aw, squiddy, I got nothing against ya. I just heard there was gold in your belly. Ha, ha, harr! Ha, ha, harr!

Oh, jacques, you handsome devil. Look at you. You're really going to strike out tonight !

Cause when the beat is hot, the- Hey, can you keep a secret? What is it, hon? I hate disco. ts all I’ve talked about for so long that people think I'm a one-note guy. ts just getting harder, you know? I had no idea Disco Stu was so complex.

Now, this baby is called the "Withstandinator." It can take a six-megaton blast. No more, no less. Oooh!

Eww-ahh. Face it, Bart. Our salvation isn't just gonna roll by...

(SCREAMING) Wait. (GRUNTING) I did it. I pulled it out. And with no brain damage... (STUTTERING REPEATEDLY) Now we'll get all your chips out, go to the police and shut this place down.

If elected mayor... my first act will be to kill the whole lot of ya and burn your town to cinders.

- You know, I really think-- - Thank you.

You know, we had a lot of fun tonight. But there's nothing funny about... vapor lock. It's the third most common cause of car stallings. So please, take care of your car and get it checked. I'm joe Namath. Good night.

Knife goes in, guts come out. Knife goes in, guts come out.

Hello. Is this A. Aronson? It might interest you to know that Marge Simpson is pregnant again. just thought you'd like to know, Mr. Zowkowski. There. Aronson and Zowkowski are the two biggest gossips in town.

Um, I would also like to take your coat. Have we got a family activity for you! A pillow case full of seashells from our trip to Sulfur Bay. You're gonna help us clean and organize them. And pry out all the dead hermit crabs. Get a screwdriver. I'll take my chances in the mystery wall!

I'm Mike Wallace. I'm Morley Safer. And I'm Ed Bradley. All this and Andy Rooney tonight on 60 Minutes!

George, this is the last straw! You apologize to Homer right now! But, Bar, we can't show any weakness in front of the Russians. George!

You stay here till you're no longer insane. Hmm. Chili would be good tonight.

Is that normal? Yeah, he's just playing Wiggle Puppy. That's a dog he made up who flies by waggin' his tail.

Should I shoot him gangland style or execution style? Listen to your heart.

I need the biggest seed bell you have. No, that's too big.

- And what was your name? - Poor Violet. Oh, I don't like where this is going. Your story made everyone at the orphanage so sad. We want you to have this dollar we were saving. Please, I don't deserve this. Hey, listen up, everybody. The Simpsons are the best friends I ever had.

Did you hear? Homer's a critic. Quit changing the subject! Where is Uter? We just want closure.

Bart! You didn't finish your spaghetti and Moe-balls! Silence, you fool. It can be ours. Run, boy! Run! Run for your life, boy!

I did it. I walked all the way to Moe's from my house. Way to go, Dad. You know, I feel pretty good.

Don't have a cow, Dad. The sad truth is, all families are like us.

Go crazy? Don't mind if I do!

- What about bacon? - No. - Ham? - No. Pork chops? Dad! Those all come from the same animal! Oh, yeah, right, Lisa. A wonderful, magical animal.

Oh. That lady swallowed a baby.

Mr. Simpson, how do you respond to the charge... that petty vandalism such as graffiti is down 80%, while heavy sack beatings are up a shocking 900%?

replacing Andy Griffith in The Andy Griffith Show. Where's Otis? He's not in his cell. - I shot him. - Well, that's a-- What? Now I'm goin' down to Emmett's fix-it shop-- to fix Emmett.

that's even remotely true. Facts, schmacts. Ah, here's Dr. Gould now. What were the results, Professor? Inconclusive. "Inconclusive"? Then why'd you come running up like that? Can I use your bathroom?

I'll take a look at your septic tank, see if I can get her humming again. Deal! See, Flanders? You give a little, you get a little. Hello, Mr. Brown Ground. What you got for me? And you're sure the Flanderses won't be there? Well, it sounds great. Bart, you can invite Milhouse.

(BUZZING) Your kid sucks! Bring it on! ANNOUNCER: Hockey Dads. Commence fighting! Hockey Dad rules! Feel the drunken wrath of Chuck Shadowski!

There's that bird you like to argue with. Well, well, well, if it isn't Professor Know-it-all. Excuse me, Marge. They need a good, stiff, all-purpose dress shoe. Something for church, but also for doctor's appointments, dental checkups, piano recitals, building dedications,

Move your goddurn house, Son!

Mr. Simpson, look at this lineup and tell us if any of these are the aliens you saw. Yo! No, I'm sorry. This is an outrage dragging me into-- Oh, this makes me very angry.

Daddy? Daddy? Where are you, Dad-- So, who wants a Preflight cookie? Fig Newtons? Hydrox? Daddy? Don't look at me! Don't look at me!

This little boy broke his leg trying to fly like Superman.

So long, dental plan! Dental plan! Lisa needs braces. Dental plan! Lisa needs braces. Dental plan! Lisa needs braces. Dental plan! Lisa needs braces. Dental plan! Lisa needs braces.

I'm joe Namath. Good night.

Frank Grimes, Jr. Frank... Grimes? Dont you remember? Your apelike incompetence drove my father insane. Frank Grimes. What’s this? "Extremely high voltage."

USA! USA! US...

It was a tumultuous time for our nation.

"Releasing your inner screenplay." "Create an online kennel." Ooh! "Strip for your wife." Well, l’s here to win back Brandine. She been making eyes at that photographer... what come to document our squalor.

Hey, don't scratch up them heads!

Oh, I wouldn't wanna be Mr. T. right now. Homer, the kids have a great idea how you can clear your name! The media's making a monster out of you because they don't care about the truth. All they care about is entertainment. You need a forum where they don't even know the meaning of the word entertainment-- - public access television. - Oh.

I guess that fear I always had of you stealing Homer away is unfounded. (BOTH SPITTING) Marge, I'd be a lot more worried about me leaving you for a sausage patty than your sister, Patty. (LAUGHS) (SCREAMS) Next time it'll be your eye. Marge, did you really think I was straight?

You know, I was a little worried about coming to this convention with you. But I think as long as we're not alone together-- And now the moment you've been waiting for. This year's King and Queen of Energy are... Homer Simpson and Mindy Simmons.

Hey, there, blimpie boy flying through the sky So fancy free I'll do it.

Hey, Moe, what'll you give me for an A.A. chip? Uh, Barney, this is a five-minute chip. Ah, it's worth a Pabst.

I think I did pretty good in there. Yeah, those Germans aren't so bad. Sure, they've made mistakes in the past, but that's why pencils have erasers. Attention, workers. We have completed our evaluation. We regreat to announce the following layoffs, which I will read in alphabetical order. Simpson, Homer.

"Radiant, cool, crazy nightmares. Zen New jersey nowhere." Put this in your pipe and smoke it! Hmm? "How now, brown bureaucrat?"

For there will be no fire truck for little Bart, no sweater for little Lisa, no Cajun sausage for little Homer. So while you're home today... eating your sweet, sweet holiday turkey, I hope you'll all choke just a little bit.

Rock Bottom would like to make the following corrections.

Excuse me, ma'am? Uh, hello? Somebody? Anybody?

Welcome to my world.

Help! Help! Police! Hey, I got problems of my own right now. Oh, boy. This is gonna get worse before it gets better.

Me mind on fire Me soul on fire What a charming neighborhood. Mom, these are slums. The government just painted them bright colors so the tourists wouldn't be offended. Works for me. Yeah. Check out the rats. Ooh, they look like Skittles.

"So You've Settled for Branson." We gotta go after them! But how? Branson is a thousand miles away, and we've got no car. Oh, that was lucky. Come on, boys! Yay! Uh, we'll wait for the next one.

No one knows how old he is, but if you ask me, and most people do, he's a hundred years if he's a day. And no one's ever caught him ? Well, one fella came close. Went by the name of Homer. Seven feet tall he was, with arms like tree trunks. And his eyes were like steel, cold and hard. Had A shock of hair, red, like the fires of hell.

Stupid fingers. You're wrong! You're wrong! You don't need long fingers to play the blues. The blues come from in here. My God, they are stubby. I didn't steal that copper wire. I just thought they were throwing it out.

we who don the cap and bells and tread beneath the proscenium arch.

...And scratchy show!

I'd like to buy 500 shares of Animotion, Incorporated.

Who needs the Kwik-E-Mart I do Hey, he's not happy at all! He lied to us through song! I hate when people do that!

Assassins ! Oh, a hundred and twenty-five bucks ! Sometimes you gotta spoil yourself. Spoil yourself. Spoil yourself. But I can't afford to--

Don't critique my technique I'm no geek I make the principal nervous My friends can confirm this I'll bust a spit wad in your epidermis Oh, no, he didn't! (CROWD CHEERING) You can trace my remorse To its supersized source A hungry, hungry hypocrite Named Homer, of course

Would you care for some reading material?

Oh, no. I'm going to preserve the evidence until Mom and Dad get home. And you'll never babysit again! You know, honey, when I think of all the good times we've had together--

Look out over the water. I figured if one six-pack holder will catch one fish, a million sewn together will catch a million fish. Watch.

Hey-- Hey, I may be ugly and hate-filled, but I've, um-- What was the third thing you said? Homer, you are the worst human being I have ever met. Hey, I got off pretty easy.

Where have you seen Roman numerals before? I know. Rocky V. That was the fifth one. So Rocky V plus Rocky ii... equals Rocky Vii: Adrian's Revenge!

On this edition of Asian Market Wrap-up. There's a volcano waiting to erupt in the Pacific Rim. It's nine medium-term, convertible debentures-- It's no use, Bart. We can't stay up forever! You're right. The only thing left to do is go into my dream and force Willie into a final showdown.

Out of my way, nerdlinger!

I have some happy news.

Now, don't worry, Homer. You're the kind of guy I could really dig... a grave for! Your indolence is inefficacious! Oh? That means you're terrible!

Got any of that beer that has candy floating in it? You know, SkittlebrÄu? Such a product does not exist, sir. I think you must have dreamed it.

Okay, I'll try.

Grampa's here to get his driver's license. Okay. Look at the eye chart and cover your left eye. That's my seein' eye. The right one's my winkin' eye. I'll give you your license if you never do that again. Oh, everything's the last time I do everything.

joe, honey, I fixed it. It was just vapor lock. Oh. Oops. Hey, look, I gotta run. Remember what I told you. Okay, Bart, concentrate. Remember what I told ya. just one thing.

I'll take one. Okay. You pick one out, and I'll punch it to death.

Well, I've only read it in books.

Please, Homer, just leave us alone. Hmm.

Damn it, where's that card? What card? I wrote down what I was going to say on a card. Stupid thing must have fallen out of my pocket. Is this it? What's it say?

Hey, Lise, there was a big train wreck last night. Do you wanna see the victims? Hmm, okay. Yaah! Bart, that's gross! You're right. Let's bury them at sea. Bleah!

Smithers, it's out of control. I'll take him out, sir. Shake, shake, shake shake, shake, shake Shake, shake, shake His ass is gonna blow!

Mr. Burns was shot Friday at 3:00 p.m., the very time that Smithers was at home watching Pardon My Zinger. So, you see, he couldn't have done it.

I'm Lenny. This is Carl and Homer. I'm Lenny. How do you do?

No! Son, for the last time, you're staying at military school. And so am I. This school has everything I ever wanted. Lisa, no! This place is just a jail for children. No jail can hold me.

She never cooks, she keeps a filthy house and she talks profanely. - She's the queen of the harpies. - No, I'm not. - Queen of the harpies ! Here's your crown, Your Majesty ! - No, I'm not. Get away from me, you swine !

Yeah, I think I'm gettin' the bends. Whoa. Lenny, stand on my chest. I'm trapped! This is creative design run amok. That's it! I'm gonna tell Moe exactly what I think of his--

(LAUGHING MANIACALLY) Oh, man. (GASPS) A sign!

Hello, Mr. Halper. I'm calling from Money Bank Credit Services Department. I was wondering if you had a chance to read the threatening letter we sent you. Uh-- Because you sound like a mature, responsible person... who wouldn't want an unpaid credit card bill... to spoil all his hopes and dreams for the future-- dreams such as home ownership, boat ownership and event attendance.

Happy birthday, Dad. Wow! A Val-U-Qual coupon book! Let's see. Ten percent off carpet cleaning. Ten! Two pizzas for the price of one at Doughy's! Doughy's has terrible pizza. Yeah, but there's two!

Yea! We took back the night! Hey, fellas! Hey, you wanna stop with the kicking? My pills are in that can! Good gravy! I don't kick your things. When you're trying to breathe on the machine, do I go up and kick it?

But if you ask me, if you're dumb enough to eat it, you deserve to die. Bart! What? I can't believe you're not still popular. What'd you do? Screw up like the Beatles and say you were bigger than jesus? All the time. It was the title of our second album.

He can't be the Hulk. I'm the Hulk. Oh, please. You couldn't even change into Bill Bixby. Come on, damn it! Change!

Here's a preview. God said to Noah build yourself an arky-arky Animals came on by onesies and twosies-twosies Elephants and kangaroosies-roosies

You were going broke because we were your only customers. Wasn't that the problem in the first place, that you were going broke? Moe? Moe? Hey! Moe? You're thinking about all the money you blew, aren't ya? What was it, 50-- $60,000? Moe?

Will everyone please stop fighting and burning? Never! (SCREAMING) - Beat the lumps. - BART: Hey! Beat the lumps. Beat the lumps. BART: Ay, caramba! Homie, I disagree with your approach to the children. (GRUNTING) (GUNSHOT) (HOMER SCREAMS) (MARGE COCKS GUN) - (GUNSHOT) HOMER: D'oh!

You know, I had this very same discussion with your mother ten years ago. If the baby's a boy what do you think of the name Larry? We can't do that.

I have learned that someone in this room is a squealer. We've narrowed it down to either Johnny Tightlips or Frankie the Squealer. Okay, it's me! I can't help it! I just like squealin'! It makes me feel big! All right, come on. You're history.

Mr. Simpson, can we have another jelly and candy sandwich? Sure. Knock yourselves out. And call me Homer. Daddy said it's rude to call grown-ups by their first name.

Astonishing, simply astonishing. One of the most singular specimens i've encountered... in all my distinguished career. But enough about my work. What did you want to show me, Lisa? It's a bone scraping from that skeleton I found. Oh, yeah. The so-called angel. The whole thing's preposterous, of course.

I, uh-- I think the boy's hurt.

Give 'em the food! Oh, no. The roast beef is making them stronger. And the falafel is making 'em angrier!

(CHUCKLES) So I... You know, I was wondering... Yes? Would you like to come to my celebrity racquetball tournament? I'll have to check my schedule. (GRUNTS) (LISA GRUNTS) I'll give you a first-round bye. Gotta go, Tom. I'll think about it.

Stop that! Stop that at once! You're fighting!

Chicks really dig sensitivity. Did you get that, Bart? Got it. Beautiful. And star wipe, and we're out. Hmm. Well, with triple word score, that's 90. I guess my luck is starting to even out.

Ullman shorts, Christmas show Marge's fling, Homer's bro Bart in well, Flanders fails Whacking snakes, monorail Mr. Plow, Homer space Sideshow Bob steps on rakes Lisa's future, Selma's hubby Marge not proud Homer chubby Homer worries Bart is gay Poochie, U2, NRA Hippies, Vegas and Japan Octuplets and Bart's boy band

Uh, I'd like some flowers. What kind of flowers ? You know, pretty ones, not dead. We have some beautiful long-stem roses. - They're $55 a dozen. - One, please.

Better take a shortcut. Good show last night. Yeah, quite good.

we'll be back for some dinner later. What did you say? I can't understand you with all that distortion. What a crappy birthday. I don't think this is such a bad present. Maybe you shouldn't talk into it as loud as your father does. Testing.

Help! She's touching my special area!

just rinse it good. Come home, Lassie. Here, boy. Come on, girl. Attaboy.

(ALL SCREAMING)

There's something I've wanted to do to you for years. Ow. Mr. Burns, I was wondering if you'd like... to sponsor my bowling team for $500. Why, certainly, Pop 'n' Fresh.

How could you both miss the bus to school? We touched hands, and then we had to wash the cooties off. What's all that rustling? My show-and-tell project-- a Peruvian fighting frog. Hey, I brought a Peruvian fighting frog.

Hmm. He's got a lob, but I don't hear a dob. Oh. Uh, there it is. You're lucky he's still alive. This freezer is an attractive nuisance. just look at all that ice cream. It's damn near irresistible.

I finally got around to reading the dictionary. It turns out the zebra did it.

Mmm. That one. Someone's in here. No! No! No! Oh! - Oh, for the love of-- - Boy. I've never seen a man so desperate to get out of five minutes of calisthenics.

Then I noticed she was sitting on-- her sweet can. I grab her-- sweet can. Oh, just thinking about-- her can. I just wish I-- sweet-- sweet-- s-s-sweet can. So, Mr. Simpson, you admit you grabbed her can. What do you have to say in your defense?

Homer, what are you saying ? I'm saying--

Duh, Homer, why are we down here? Oh, geez! I told ya, Bernie-- to guard the bee! But why? Oh, you guys are pathetic. No wonder Smithers made me head bee guy. Uh, it's gettin' away. Oh, we did bad!

Ow ! Nevermore, nevermore, nevermore, nevermore, nevermore-- Dag-- Doggone it !

This is the best day of my life. It's a good day for me too, baby. Now, smile. We're gonna be on every newsstand in the country. Mwah!

You don't have to eat meat! I made enough gazpacho for all! I don't like gazpacho. What's that anyway? It's tomato soup served ice cold. Go back to Russia.

We've all been the victims of a cruel hoax perpetrated by a ten-year-old hooligan. The time has come for finger-pointing, and most of them are squarely aimed at the boy's parents. It's not our fault. We didn't want the boy.

Kids, kids. Once you get hurt, move aside and let other people jump. Homer, this is terrible. Okay. Okay. I'll take care of it.

I just don't see why one little pill should cost $30. Drugs aren't so expensive in other countries. In other countries, families also lie on the floor and eat bugs. What countries are those? - You ever been to Norway? - No. Well, they do it in Norway.

Ten, ha-ya-yah. Uh! And nine, ha-ya-yah. Uh!

When will all those fools learn that you can be perfectly healthy... simply eating vegetables, fruits, grains and cheese? Ooh, cheese! You don't eat cheese, Apu? No, I don't eat any food that comes from an animal. Oh! Then you must think I'm a monster. Yes, indeed, I do think that.

Butch Patrick! That's right. I was TV's Eddie Munster. And being in the public eye didn't mess me up one bit. Mm-hmm. Well, obviously. Hey, one question, Eddie. Butch.

What does freedom mean to me?

hit so far? Now, keep your head down. Ignore all distractions.

lollipop, lollipop oh, lolly-lollipop lollipop ow! Crack that whip licorice whip I Said whip it

The following is a public service announcement. Excessive alcohol consumption can cause liver damage... and cancer of the rectum. Mmm, beer.

Hey, this is one of those dirty websites. Two girls? Who would want that? (KNOCK ON DOOR) (BOTH GASP) You may inside come. I got phi beta cappuccinos for Ned's pre-meds.

From now on, the baby sleeps in the crib. Iron helps us play! Hello, Joe! From now on, the baby sleeps in the crib. Iron helps us play! Hello, Joe! Bart? There's someone in here who wants to meet you.

jump! Homer, are you okay? I think so. No.

Hi, honey. How was your first day of school? Honey?

Hey, kids, how was school? I learned how many drams in a pennyweight. I got expelled. That's my boy. Mmm, beer. What?

So, you like doughnuts, eh? - Uh-huh. - Well, have all the doughnuts in the world!

I appreciate the offer,

She's just a regular Malibu Stacy with a stupid, cheap hat. She still embodies all the awful stereotypes she did before. But she's got a new hat. I want it. I want it. I want it.

Um, Dasher. Dancer. Mm-hmm. Prancer. Mm-hmm. Nixon. Comet and... Cupid. Donna Dixon ? Sit down, Simpson. And what would you like, little boy ?

The burglar even took my stamp collection. You had a stamp collection? Stamp collection? Ha-ha!

Bart, you want some brownie before you go to bed?

Yeah. You might even say he was an American hero. Let's not go nuts. The important thing is that we've pinpointed the precise moment... when you developed your fear of flying. Well, wait. Some other stuff's coming back to me.

Wow! A strike! Hey, if that's psychotic, then why am I takin' these? Oh! You're polishing bone!

This shouldn't be too hard to fix-- with the right tools. There. Better than new.

Bart, why are you doing that? Our class is making refreshments for Skinner's party. These are in honor of his army days. That explains the flags. - What about the dog food? - My theory is Skinner likes dog food. Let's bake him a cake. Ooh! A fresh batch of America balls!

Top of the hour. Time for the morning news. But, of course, there is no news yet. Everyone is still asleep in their comfy, comfy beds. Good night, everybody.

You know, I usually insist on approving Marge's dates, but from what she's told me, I'm sure you're a solid citizen. Thanks, Mr. B. Here she comes. Get the camera ready.

How much do you love me ?

(REQUIEM PLAYING) (COUGHING) (MUSIC STOPS) Oh, Mozart, I know you are gravely ill. So I brought you the very finest doctor in all of Austria.

Hey, I'm the chief here. Bake him away, toys.

Ooh! A friendly bee.

I want you to look at me the way I saw you look at Arthur Fortune. Oh, Arthur Fortune. Yes! That's the look I'm looking for. What would make you and your slovenly kind look at me that way? Well, you don't have to call me slovenly. Yes, exactly!

It's about him being a crazy nut. Well, maybe--

Hey. We just got away with murder. And it was so easy! You know, I've never liked that little wiener Milhouse.

How could you have seen all this, Bart? Weren't you supposed to be in school? I... sorta skipped school.

Lisa's bad dancing makes my feet sad. Oh! Let's take five. What am I doing wrong, Little Vicki? Well, you're falling a lot. Maybe you should work on that. Yeah. Well, no offense, but maybe I need a little more instruction... than just "tappa-tappa-tappa."

Sixty minutes? Oh, my God! Mr. Burns has been in the tub for an hour!

Blah, blah, blah. Look at me-- Ow!

No, children! No! Your education is important. Roman numerals, et cetera. Whatever. I tried.

Mrs. Bouvier! Mrs. Bouvier! Mrs. Bouvier!

Whee, I'm Dick Tracy! Bam! Take that, Prune Face! Now I'm Prune Face! Take that, Dick Tracy! Now I'm Prune Tracy! Take that, Dick-- Ned, stop it at once! Stop it!

I think I can actually hear the air being torn, sir. Oh, shut up ! Hey, Burns ! Hey, rag arm !

So long, kids! Enjoy your new home! Say "hi" to your other brother and sister. "Other brother and sister"? Face it. They're not great parents.

Uh, yeah. I read in the personals you were seeking a soul mate. Well, I also like rainy days and movies. Uh-huh. Uh, no, I don't like that. Or that.

He won't escape, sir.

I wore my extra-loose pants for nothing. Nothing! Maybe Laura could watch us. Oh, I get it. "Bart, the babysitter's here." "Let me tuck you in." Silence! Huh?

You liar! You did it, you lying jerk! Take that! You did it!

You have the right to remain silent. I choose to waive that right.

J; Now, a guitar has many, many nicknames: an ax, a gitbox- I guess that's it. Anyway, we're gonna start with the fundamentals: playing a burning guitar with your teeth.

I guess this is the end, Wendell. He's Wendell. I'm Lewis. Whatever. just tell Wendell I said bye. Somebody help me!

Nice meetin' ya. Just keep moving. Don't make eye contact.

That's assault! That is assault! It was the best Thanksgiving ever. I mean, emotionally it was terrible, but the turkey was so moist. The carcass of the Simpsons' empire had been picked clean. But then came help from an unexpected source.

for Motherloving's breakfast cereals? Twenty of your mortal years. But I had to quit when my fangs succumbed to gingivitis. Now all my victims have to be mashed up.

Homer, give him what he wants! - Oh, Barney, leave me alone. - Whoops! Uh-oh.

The other thing about TV dinners, you don't have leftovers, you have reruns. TV dinner jokes? Ooh! Take that, Swanson's.

DustBuster? Yech! Sir, I've arranged for the people of Australia...

That's crazy. It would've been on a talk radio show like Sports Chat... or Sportzilla and the Jabber Jocks!

Where'd you get the lemons for this lemonade? Uh, this is Country Time lemonade mix. There's never been anything close to a lemon in it. I swear!

Homer, we're out of vodka.

What advantages does this motorcar have... over, say, a train? Which I could also afford. Well, you'll notice how the heated gas pedal warms your feet while--

Listen. Would you pay to make more Itchy and Scratchy cartoons? You'll get more royalties. I don't need any more money. I'm not greedy. As long as I've got my health and my millions of dollars... and my gold house and my rocket car, - I don't need anything else. - Yes, but-- Not interested.

Your Honor, if I may sing a little bit of "(Don't Fear) The Reaper," I think you'll agree that-- I'm familiar with B.O.C. But you have got a boy here who is crying out for adult supervision! I couldn't agree more. Perhaps some sort of court-appointed babysitter or "au pair." Sorry, bub. That crow won't caw. It won't?

This has been one of the most magical evenings of my life. I'm horny. I don't know what you said, but I'm sure it was beautiful. Oh, Homer. This is the kind of night I thought we could never have together--

You think you've got problems? I just chewed my way out of a dog carrier. Elton john? That's my name. Well, not really. I hate to sound like a screaming fan, but--

I've been tracking a tear in the fabric of space-time, which combined with airborne pieces of metal at Builder's Barn to create a miniature black hole. This anomaly interposed itself between Homer and Bart causing a gravitational lens,

Oh, Doctor, I'm crazy!

So typical of Bart. All he thinks about is himself. Hey, don't say stuff like that about me to Maggie. She's on my side anyway.

I'm really sorry. I kinda traded your soul to the guy at the comic book store. But look-- I got some cool pogs. Alf pogs! Remember Alf? He's back, in pog form!

Go apple! Go orange! Go banana!

Come on, Homer. japan will be fun. You liked Rashomon. That's not how I remember it.

After the meltdown, expect roving bands-- I don't like this program. Change the channel. ...traffic for hours. Wheel of Fortune!

Hey, Bart-Bart, looks like a beautiful day to swipe some "pic-i-nic" baskets. But, "Homi," Ranger Ned's not gonna like that. I'll handle Ranger Ned. After all, I'm smarter than the average bear.

Folks, do you realize without your support, public television can't afford to bring you such award-winning shows as... Edward the Penitent? I'm really, really, really sorry. I'm afraid sorry doesn't cut it with this pope. Oh-ho.

He ruined the one chance I had of getting to know Mr. Bergstrom outside of school. Mm. Well... I'll tell you what. Why don't we invite Mr. Bergstrom to dinner ?

Oh. Sorry I'm late. There was trouble at the lab with the running and the exploding and the crying. One of the monkeys stole the glasses off my head. Oh, no, wait. Please, no. Please. I have a funny story, if you listen. I even wrote theme music. Listen. Hey. Hey.

I've already lost the only thing that matters to me. Oh, Lisa, stop pining for your saxophone. I got you another instrument. What, this jug? Hee-hee! Whee! Whoa-ho-ho! Lisa, never, ever stop in the middle of a hoedown.

No, thanks. I already helped myself. See you later, inoculator. (CAR SPEEDING AWAY) He can run, but nobody escapes the needle. Charlene, cancel all my appointments. But, I need that kidney now.

Gabbo's kind of language has no place on or off TV. And that's my two cents. That oughta hold those S.O.B.s. What the--

To my dear childless nieces, Patty and Selma, I leave my grandfather clock and these words: Don't die lonely like me. Raise a family, and do it now. Now! Now! Now! Hey, a grandfather clock. Not bad.

Oh, yeah. Good evening. Before we begin, is anyone here an investigative reporter? I am, and she is. Well, I'd like you to please leave. Should we take our hidden camera? Would you? Let's go, Phil.

All right! Oh! Oh, dear God! Cover your eyes, boys! It's okay, man. If it doesn't affect you, you're not human. Uh, Comic Book Guy, you're under arrest for the possession of illegal videos. But we'll reduce the sentence if you put your pants on... fast! God!

You can't kill Krusty. He made you what you are. Without him, you wouldn't even be called Sideshow.

Take a letter, Miss White. "Dear Valued Viewer: "Thank you for taking an interest in the itchy & Scratchy program. "Enclosed is a personally autographed photo... "of America's favorite cat and mouse team to add to your collection. "In regards to your specific comments about the show, "our research indicates that one person cannot make a difference...

Why didn't you say that before?!

Then everything is wrapped up in a neat little package! Really. I mean that. Sorry if it sounded sarcastic.

And now, for an emergency announcement from the mayor. People of Springfield, because of the epidemic, I have canceled my vacation to the Bahamas. I shall not leave the city-- Hey, you, get that steel drum out of the, uh, mayor's office. Sorry, "mon."

Ooh, kicking and screaming, please. As you wish. Noooooo!

I'm a motorist. Uh, that's some nice reckless drivin', Mr. B.

Seymour, I'm getting tired. Tell them we're going next. Well, I'm not principal of the line, Mother. And you never will be.

Thanks for helping me out. You're a stand-up babe.

Yabba dabba do!

First on our tour is the whorehouse. Then we'll visit the cathouse, the brothel, the bordello, and finally the old mission. Oh, thank heaven! Lots of prostitutes in there.

New job? Marge is pregnant? Noooo!

Wait. I'm Mr. X. What the-- Hmm? Hmm? What the hell--

Law & Order. Elevator Inspectors Unit. Well, here's the thing, Inspector.

Missed a spot. Dopey kid. Coming through. Step aside, lady. Mmm, baby.

What the-- Who the-- Hey! You're mean. Hasta la vista, baby!

we gotta start havin' designated drivers. Are you kidding me? We'll choose the same way they pick the pope. Everybody reach in and draw a pickled egg. Whoever gets the black egg stays sober tonight.

It's store policy. No, it isn't. Ow! Shut up, Arnold. No. Go for it, man. "R," "Q," "G." Question mark. Smiley face. Next. Wait a minute.

That's what makes it so funny. Pardon me a moment. Ha-ha! Hey, Nelson, he's really hurt. I think he broke his leg. I said "Ha-ha!"

Of course, being a highly skilled attorney, my fee is $175 an hour. We pay eight dollars for the night, - and you can take two Popsicles out of the freezer. - Three. - Two. - Okay, two, and I get to keep this old birdcage. - Done. - Still got it.

And if you ever want to visit my show-- Nah. We're not gonna be doing that.

Oh, please. It is such an honor to host our favorite family. And you came at an exciting time.

Oh, we've got to stop putting these flavors of the month on. Flavor of the month? Me? Yeah, Homer. You can't just ride one accomplishment forever. Why do you think I stopped acting and became a director? I don't know. 'Cause you weren't cute anymore? Mmm. I'll agree. Circle gets the square. Good night, everyone!

They're just like the terra-cOtta warriors of Xi'an. They sure are. That's not so disciplined. They're just children, Mr. Simpson. I guess.

You Choo-Choo-choose me? Happy Valentine's.

All right, here's the 411, folks. Say some gangsta is dissin' your fly girl. Ya just give' em one of these. Ooh, eh, ah, ooh

Tom Landry's hat! And it's autographed! "To Berman's Dry Cleaning. Best wishes, Tom Landry." Why don't you buy it? I can't buy that. Only management-type guys with big salaries like me can afford things like that. Guys like me! I'm a guy like me!

Mmm. A thousand dollars ? Dimoxinil ? "To keep brain from freezing" ? Now I've got you, Simpson.

Homie, I think the baby's coming.

This is where we invented the Lambada and the Macarena. We are now developing our most powerful dance-- the Penetrada. It makes sex look like a church! I don't think my daughter should hear this. You can't protect her forever,

Who's in my private washroom? McGuckett, let me in. - The door already is closed. - What? This is Colonel Leslie "Hap" Hapablap. If you don't open that door, I'll tear you up like a Kleenex at a snot party! You say you're in the military?

Primero, el ataque del "woodpeckero" loco. Luego, un "desastro" de electricidad. E finalmente, una "catÁstrofÍa" con una pelota de baseball.

Happy birthday to you, happy... It not my birthday, Seymour. You know I'm a Sagittarius. Really? I'm a Libra. There's a lot of compatibility there. Skinner, be gay on your own time. Today is the day we choose who gets the school's vending machine contract. I anticipate quite the dog and pony show.

We gotta fight the current. Wrong again, Flanders.

Here's our room. Homer, you're supposed to slide those doors open. I don't have time for that. Welcome. I am honored to accept your waste.

I bad want... money now. Me sick." Ooh, he card reads good.

which is, that it's wrong to imprison an animal. Lisa, go to your room. We appreciate you coming down, but, look, kid. The thing is, uh-- we don't have an elephant.

Ahh! There's still more meat loaf. Oh, that's impossible. Come on. Come on. We all have to pitch in and eat your father's share. Why don't you just cook less? I don't do things that way, Lisa. Dancing away my hunger pangs

Um, I never thought I'd say this, but shouldn't we be learning something? Say the line, Bart. I didn't do it. Yea!

But it's me, Moe, wearing a sailor suit.

Attention. This is Principal Skinner, your principal, with a message from the principal's office. All students please proceed immediately to an assembly... in the Butthead Memorial Auditorium. Damn it, I wish we hadn't let the students name that one. Children, the times they are a-becoming quite different.

Attention, passengers. Dinner is now being served in the dining car.

No, Homer, I'm not your wife, although I do enjoy her pearls. As a matter of fact, I'm holding them right now. Listen. Why, you monster! And you have my daughter's saxophone too! Homer! That's our stage manager!

"Do You Want Lies With That'?" f Horns Honking f Does it bother you... that Krusty uses "mad cow" beef to save money? No. Because they pass the savings on to me, the consumer.

This is the happiest day of my life-- Hi-yi-ya! Got it! No shock for me! Oh, yeah? Whoa!

Here is an ordinary square. Whoa! Whoa! Slow down, egghead.

So, Mr. Simpson, you admit you grabbed her can. What do you have to say in your defense? Mr. Simpson, your silence will only incriminate you further. No, Mr. Simpson. Don't take your anger out on me. Get back! Get back! M-Mr. Simpson, no!

This is an absence slip signed by Nelson's mother and this is Nelson's English homework. Notice the identical elongated loops on the D's. Forgery! So he didn't have leprosy.

I was wondering if you'd be interested in performing at a private party. Sorry, mate. I don't do private parties. Well, then, perhaps you should look in this suitcase. All right, but I don't see-- Pleasant dreams, Mr. Jones.

Bart, if you had cleaned up your room when I asked you to, your father's trick back would still be aligned. So, you'll pick up this mess right now. Clumsy Homer. Everything's always my fault. If he'd just watch out where he was going.

I've been doing some thinking, and I got some ideas to improve the show. I got it right here. Uh, one: Poochie needs to be louder, angrier and have access to a time machine. Two: Whenever Poochie's not on screen, all the other characters should be asking, "Where's Poochie?"

I'm checkin' in He's checkin' in I'm checkin' in checkin', checkin' in no more pills or alcohol no more pot or demerol no more stinking fun at all

You think you're so great just because you have godlike powers! Stand away from milady! Get in there! Defend my honor! Ew! Every moment I live is agony.

Grazed a cone. Minus five points. Being a jerk. Minus a million points! D'oh! One more wrong answer, and Homer flunks another of life's little tests. And what's this? Oh. Someone didn't fill in a circle all the way. Oh! Oh. Oh, boy.

Ooh! Good work, Chief. just doing my job.

Hmm... mmm! Mmm... not bad. Nice hot mustard, good bread, turkey's a little dry-- The turkey's a little dry?! Oh, foul the cursed thing! What demon from the depths of hell created thee?

Now pull over! First, raise my allowance. Why, you little... (TIRES SCREECHING)

Come on, Dad. Let's go. Hey, knock it off! These pants cost $600. Really? Yeah. They're Italian. All right, hand 'em over. Moe, what the-- Yeah, I rob now.

He's the love-matic grampa - and he filled our hearts - with love

Hey, Bart-Bart, looks like a beautiful day to swipe some "pic-i-nic" baskets. But, "Homi," Ranger Ned's not gonna like that.

Oh, sure. Let's see. Mmm-- I'm an Elk, a Mason, a Communist-- I'm the president of the Gay and Lesbian Alliance for some reason. Ah, here it is. The Stonecutters. Ooh! This is it-- my ticket in. They have to let me join if I'm a son of a member.

and I'm horrified to find he's a nerd. I'm laughing already. It's not a comedy. Oh. Attention! This is the Coast Guard. A 50-foot tidal wave is heading this way. All game shows off the beach! Everybody up here to my square.

What do we do with our garbage? Just leave it for Cleanie. My precious. Gollum.

Oh. It's heavenly. Why do birds suddenly appear over there over here Why is it playing over again? Who cares? No one could ever get sick of this song. Suddenly appear

Sprungfeld must have taken it with him when he ran off after the fight. Exactly. This celebration is a sham.

Ambassador Henry Mwabwetumba of the Ivory Coast writes: "What is the real deal with Mr. Burns's assistant, Smithers? You know what I'm talking about." Of course we do. The preparations for your birthday have begun. I won't get what I really want. No one does.

Hey, Homer! The section you're supposed to be monitoring is on fire! Clowns are funny.

One. One. One! Bah! I'll just pay for the blasted liposuction. Whoo-hoo!

Hey, Lawn Boy! You missed a spot! When I'm done with you, they'll have to do a "compost-mortem!"

You promised Mom you wouldn't wear your dress outside. Nuts to that. I'm goin' to the movies. Shouldn't you be working? I got someone to cover for me.

I've already forgotten his name. It was Larson something, right?

Um, Milhouse, if you stay a little while longer, you can have this blazer. It's a Bob Mackie original. Wow! A Bob Mackie! Uh... sorry, Bart.

Oh, de, doo, doo Saving those babies And the soft spots on their head Doo, doo, doo, doo, doo Problem: a pointy deity.

And now for my final thought. Nobody wins when parents put their petty squabbles above the welfare of a child. Let's hope they put their differences aside and do what's best for Maggie. Ow! What the-- Get the-- baby off. Son of a--

Lemonade ? Please. I made it just for you. You are my best friend.

He's right. We've been wasting our lives. The hell with cartoons. I'm gonna do what i've always dreamed of. I'm gonna write that sitcom about the sassy robot. Here, kids. I guess you deserve this. Let's go. I guess nobody likes the truth, huh, Grampa? Nope. I'll never watch an awards show again.

Hey, what are you laughin' at? What? Oh. Oh, I get it. I get it. It's my big ears, isn't it, kids? Isn't it? Well, children, I can't help that.

A&M is gonna kick your ivy-covered butts. Yeah? Well, you went to a cow college. Oh, you're only calling us a cow college 'cause we were founded by a cow.

Well, it was written in 1845. Maybe people were easier to scare back then. Oh, yeah. Like when you look at Friday the 13th, part one. It's pretty tame by today's standards. Children ! Bedtime !

while a slimmer man would have fallen to his death. And I think it's ironic that, for once, Dad's butt... prevented the release of toxic gas-- Bart! We'll have you out of there as soon as our tech boys get you decontaminated. Thank you, Mr. Burns. It was pretty scary up there, but--

Ah, my crÊpes are done. The Doggie Doorman. Good evening, Rex. And Mobilier-- the chandelier for your car. Whoa! All on I Can't Believe They Invented It!

My father was the most respected man in the lower East Side of Springfield. People would come from miles around to ask his advice.

No children have ever meddled with the Republican Party and lived to tell about it. Duh, stay out of Riverdale!

You're too young for that machine gun but I'm giving you something that will make sure when you're old enough you can still buy one... a membership in the National Rifle Association. Wow! The N.R.A.! Can I get armor-piercing, cyanide-tipped bullets? It's in the Constitution.

Skinner! Uh-- Superintendent Chalmers! The whole town's in an uproar about your sleazy shenanigans! Now, I'm going to give you a choice. You can give up this tawdry, fulfilling relationship, or you two will be out of here so fast your mortarboards will spin!

What a magical city. Can we come back next year, Dad? We'll see, honey. We'll see.

All right! Bologna and cheese! What do you got, Bart?

Dad, first you gave me life. Now you've given me a home for my family. I'd be honored if you came to live with us. Thank you. So how long before you shipped Grampa off to the old folks' home? About three weeks.

Hello, Bart. Looking for this? Now I'm going to take some advice that was given to me by Lenny... and kill you without delay.

I split my pants again. Ooh! Can I have two sandwiches? I got a test today... I can't eat those... One a time! One at time! Double bologna! No pimentos! Don't forget to make it... Mom, where's my..? That's enough!

So I says, "Yeah, if you want that money, come and find it, "'cause I don't know where it is, you bologna. You make me wanna retch."

And Harry Potter and all his wizard friends... - went straight to hell for practicing witchcraft. - Yea! What the diddlio? Give me back my thumb!

You know how bashful I am. I can't even say the word "titmouse"... without giggling like a schoolgirl.

You can't take my Emmy. You know the rules: awards for entertainment are contraband. No Emmys, no Oscars, not even a Golden Globe.

What can I do to make this a better country? Is this a good time to buy a house? I can't get my boy to brush. Would I look good with a mustache? I tried using turpentine, but that just made it worse.

Today's show's going to be the funniest, side-splittingest cavalcade of... Aw, the hell with it. Roll the cartoon. Oh, yeah. My old friends, right next to my heart.

Bart! Did you kill that poor bird? I didn't mean to, Mom. The gun pulled to the left-- You disobeyed me, snuck over here and murdered a helpless animal? I know. I really screwed up. I deserve to be punished.

Watch out for the Shaq attack. Ow! I told you to watch out.

Four out of five, Simpson. Impressive. But you missed your last target. Did I? Ha-ha!

Bart ! Stop Fighting with your sister ! She took my glue ! Uh ! It's not yours, Bart ! This is family glue ! Stop it, you two ! This is Thanksgiving ! So glue friendly, or I'll take your glue away... and then no one will have any glue to glue with !

But I learned long ago, Lisa, to tolerate others rather than forcing my beliefs on them. You know, you can influence people without badgering them always.

Hey, look, everybody, john Hancock's writing his name in the snow.

It's me, Duffman!

Sorry. I don't have anything to offer you unless you're a member of a minority group. Excelente. Muchos gracias, "seÑorata." Sorry. Aah, so. Come on, honey. I guess this is a world you'll never know.

Strike three, Marge! I remember that meeting, and I have a photographic memory. Legalized gambling is a bad idea. You can build a casino over my dead body. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

With this hook and this hunk of chocolate, I'll land your boy and I'll clean him for free. Although we can't reach the boy we can freeze him with liquid nitrogen so that future generations can rescue him.

Why are you all dressed up? I'm sick of this house, and I'm sick of you! Tonight we're going for a drive. Mmm, what's so special about tonight? Nothing! - Put on your special suit and get in the car! - Yes, Mother. Why are we stopping at my school, Mother?

You can't kill Saddam! He's half my act!

ASHLEY: "The Harpooned Heart by Marge Simpson."

All I can give you are these chewable Prozac for kids. Your choice-- Manic-depressive Mouse or the Bluebird of Unhappiness. Superintendent Chalmers, I'd like you to meet... our new school nurse, Lunch Lady Doris. Yeah, nice to see you. Seymour, why is that student lying unconscious on the floor? Well, in many cases, the floor is the best--

Will Milhouse and I be friends till we're toothless old men with hair in our ears? Will Milhouse and I be friends when we're high school dropouts living off Uncle Sucker? Will Milhouse and I be friends at the end of the day?

Here you go, boy. Soup's on. Whoa! Hmm? Hmm? Hmm? Hey, if you're out here, then who's in there? Whoa, a badger!

Oh, Maggie, you're a Simpson again.

N J Little ditty about Homer and Marge; J Her heart was as big as his stomach was large;

But the atmosphere there was so stimulating.

I'm a sexual predator. Oh. Now, how may I best dispense with you today?

Why are you laughing? Hey. They're laughing at your pain. That's mean. Let's teach 'em a lesson.

Join the navy Join the navy Join the navy

Boating accident.

No, Homer. Let's do it. Let's call room service! Oh.

I thought I would hate working nights, but it's so peaceful. And there's no one here to squeal on me for shootin' mice. - Can I ask you somethin', Dad? - Sure, boy. If the town keeps getting bigger, will there always be enough electricity? Aw, Son.

Plummet! Plummet! Plummet! Plummet! Plummet! Plummet! Plummet! Plummet! Plummet! Plummet! Yes! Got 'em. U.S.A.! U.S.A.! U.S.--

Oh, Lisa, you and your stories. "Bart is a vampire." "Beer kills brain cells." Now, let's go back to that... building thingy... where our beds and TV... is.

established in 1883. The newspaper was founded by johnny Newspaperseed, a 14-year-old boy who roamed America founding newspapers. If he's so smart, how come he's dead? Over the years, the Shopper merged... with the Springfield Times, Post, Globe, Herald, jewish News and Hot Sex Weekly...

Disco Stu likes disco music.

I am not a clumsy Clouseau-esque waiter! I will-- Whoa! Whoo! Whoo! Ooh! Ow! Ow! Ow! At least there were no big ones. Ay.

You call this writing? If I puked in a fountain pen and mailed it to the monkey house, I'd get better scripts. But, sir, at Harvard-- Oh, at Harvard they taught you? Hit the streets, egghead! You should've majored in not getting fired.

Oh, I'd love to. But to be honest, modern medicine has a lousy record of treating the back. We spend too much time on the front. Yeah, there's some neat stuff on the front.

Burns would can my butt in no time flat. Ooh ! A thousand bucks. So what ? To Mr. Burns, that's one less ivory back scratcher. Besides, you pay money into the insurance fund every week. What do you ever get out of it ? Nothing. Well, that newsletter. Exactly. Why should you get nothin' while some guy who loses a finger hits the jackpot ? You got me !

those daffy laughy clowns send in those soulful and doleful schmaltz-by-the-bowlful clowns

Ladies and gentlemen, the Clown Show... has been put on hiatus for retooling. What happened? Oh, don't worry about that. You're just finished, that's all. Finished? It happens all the time. That's show business for you. One day, you're the most important guy who ever lived.

"Would Jesus microwave a burrito so hot... that he himself could not eat it?" Well, sir, of course he could. But then again-- Wow, as melon scratchers go, that's a honey doodle. Now you know what I've been going through.

I'll be back in a jiffy! - That's not my mother. - I'll be back in a jiffy! Can I come too? Oh.

Sure. In fact, I invented the whole concept of cartoon violence. Before I came along, all cartoon animals did was play the ukulele. I changed all that.

Dear Mr. President, there are too many states nowadays. Please eliminate three. I am not a crackpot.

Wait! Don't be fooled. She's just a regular Malibu Stacy with a stupid, cheap hat. She still embodies all the awful stereotypes she did before. But she's got a new hat. I want it. I want it. I want it.

on the orange side, and turn it. My main finger? You gotta start backwards! - Alternate corners. - One at a time! Spin the middle side topwise. Topwise! Now I remember why I put this down here in the first place!

He's Flanders and he's really, really lame Flanders tried to wreck my song His views on birth control are wrong I hate his guts and Flanders is his name

I can't get drunk and vomit next to a guy I don't respect. (SOBBING) Even my best friends have left me. I'm all alone!

You're my best friend. Thanks, Krusty. Buy my cereal. Buy my cereal. I didn't do it ! Oh, I wish I could believe you.

So, where do you want to show off your new, hip togs? The Sherbet Shop, the Candle District? Big Sue's Tap-Water Taffy? If it's okay with you, Mom, I'd rather go find some kids.

They fight, they fight they fight and fight and fight fight, fight, fight fight, fight, fight The itchy and scratchy movie Get out. Get out!

Please. No. Please. No. - Please. - No.

Now, I know I haven't been the best Christian. In fact, when you're up there "blah, blah, blah-ing," I'm usually doodling or mentally undressing the female parishioners. Well, anyhoo, can I have $40,000?

Lance Uppercut.

Mom, that's veal. Oh. You're sure she'll have fun here? Oh, of course. Babies love the ball room.

monorail monorail monorail Monorail! Mono-- D'oh!

And there weren't any jewish cowboys.

"Friday's worse." Then he said, "How about Saturday?" I said,

Aaah! Quick! Into the river. Hippos hate water. No, they don't. They-- Aaah!

Mono-- D'oh! Hymns here! I got hymns here! Get 'em while they're holy! Fresh from God's brain to your mouth! And now please rise for our opening hymn,

Once I built a railroad Made it run Made it race against time Once I built a railroad Now it's done Brother

Okay. Wait a minute. Are you humoring me?

Oyster shells! Hand painted to resemble Lucille Ball! You'll love Oyster Lucy! Oh, Mr. Mooney, I just gotta meet Bob Cummings! Viv!

- There you go. - Get him up there. Go! Go! Go! We're number one! - Give me a "P"! - "P"!

Come on, come on and dance all night Despite the heat it'll be all right And, babe don't you know it's a pity That the days can't be like the nights In the summer, in the city Oh, crap!

They're all in events that Communists never lose. I like. I like. This just came over the wires, Big "K." Uh-huh. "Soviet boycott. "U.S. unopposed in most events." How does this affect our giveaway? Let's see. You personally stand to lose 44 million dollars.

Who wants a bathtub mint julep? Mm-hmm! Are you the Beer Baron? Well, if you're talking about root beer,

Ooh! Dooh! See you tomorrow night, Simpson! Huh.

Now they'll never save your brain, Hitler. Little help?

Uh, Homer, there's a hidden message to this song... that you may have missed. Really listen. Bunk with me tonight Uh-huh.

But... I made all the right moves, didn't I? Yes. Every move a right one. I see it all now. You're just a bunch of yes-men. I was making the wrong moves, and you were too gutless to tell me. Isn't that right? Yes. Dead on, sir.

We're big in Bulgaria, and the other Garia. Hungaria?

Ooh, that's bad. But it comes with a free frogurt. That's good. The frogurt is also cursed. That's bad. But you get your choice of topping. That's good! The toppings contain potassium benzoate. That's bad. Can I go now?

That's it. No more chat rooms for you.

D'oh! I mean, hey.

Yea, Bart! Yea! Look at me! I'm the prime minister of Ireland! Hey, Homer, ain't that your kid on TV?

Whenever the wind whistles through the leaves, I'll think Lowenstein. Lowenstein. My name is Zweig. Lowenstein.

It's the cops! Worse. The police cops.

You know, Homer, your mom was a pretty groovy chick. And a demon in the sack. Ah, you heard about that, eh? He heard. Anyway, I still think about her every time I walk by that mural she painted.

Baby, take my hand Shh! Cobras!

I did it! I supercharged my riding mower! Oh, no! I've killed Wilson! Looks like it's back to jail for me.

Uh, I sleep in a racing car. Do you? I sleep in a big bed with my wife.

Then I'm gonna quit drinkin'! No, I mean it. You won't see me here again, ever! Wait. That ain't funny. He's my best customer.

"Worse still, that treacherous skunk, Abe Simpson, stole my oxygen and tried to eat my left arm." ew, Dad! "Tell my beloved wife my last thoughts were of her... "blinding and torturing Abe Simpson. Cheerio."

In your face, everybody!

Well, I won't be lonely for long. Hee, hee! Huh? Whuzzat? Oh, Homer! Thank goodness you're safe.

Looks like this is the end. That's all right. I couldn't have led a richer life. After the meltdown, expect roving bands-- I don't like this program. Change the channel. ...traffic for hours.

(SIGHS) I'm looking up your nose, but I feel like I'm staring into your soul.

I got a report on a domestic disturbance at this address. Yes, indeed there is. There's an inflatable bath pillow that Mother and I both enjoy. She claimed it was her day to use it. I maintained she was mistaken. We quarreled. Later, as I prepared to bathe,

Bart ! Bart ! Bart ! Bart ! Bart ! Bart ! You'll never go broke appealing to the lowest common denominator. - You're gonna miss your brother's antics. - When ?

Why, you little--

Uh-oh. Uh, you got a men's room in there? Only Khlav Kalash. Men's room in tower. Tower. Observation deck. Oh! But I can't leave my car until the parking guy gets here.

Well, good night, Son. Um, Dad? Yeah? What is the mind? Is it just a system of impulses, or is it something tangible? Relax. What is mind? No matter. What is matter? Never mind.

- you have to mow my lawn ! - You're on. And do a decent job of it for a change ! Better yet, you have to mow my lawn in your wife's Sunday dress ! You have yourself a bet, you... jackaninny !

If ifs and buts were candy and nuts--

we meet a man who's been hiccupping for 45 years.

No. - Please. - No. Sir, we've never met before, but my name is Mr. Burns, and I want your daughter to help make me rich again. You mean Maggie?

Ah, they remembered my birthday. Come on, come on, come on, come on. Start, damn you! Start! Happy birthday to me happy birthday to me

Ah, crap! It's a girl's car! I can't drive this! Oh, sure, you can, doll face. Pretty thing like you can do whatever she wants. Shut up! Screw you guys!

I said make way for Willie, ya bloated gasbag!

Okay, you're fightin' a guy named Boxcar Bob. Brawled his way up from the boxcars, did he? Uh, no, not yet. He still lives at the train yard. But he's a hungry young fighter. In fact, he's actually fightin' for a sandwich. Homer, I want you to have my lucky mitts. I hope you do better with 'em than I did.

ts a dangerous life being a hall monitor. When you leave home in the morning... you may be kissing your dolls good-bye for the last time. My sash says "Ultraman." I think weve seen enough.

Ahoy-hoy, lowly mortals. In addition to working for me, you may now praise me as your Almighty. Amen, sir. Mmm!

Actually, Simp-son, we were praying that no one gets hurt.

Who's out there? Give me your names so I can tell the police. Seymour, what's going on? What's that odor? Go back to bed, Mother. I've got it under control. Listen, you crumb-bums. If you think I'm impressed, I am not. I--

Step aside, everyone. Sensitive love letters are my specialty. "Dear baby, Welcome to Dumpville. Population: You."

Murder? Well, mistakes have been made. Monty, I've heard you're a pretty flatulent guy. Any comment on that? Well, now, see here. Stop that. Attention, wireless listeners. Most of the sounds you are now hearing are not being made by me. Oh, stop! Stop! Won't someone please stop the farting? Aah!

All right. What's wrong, Son? Comic Book Guy made me pay for these comics he said I smudged. But I didn't even touch 'em! LISA: Richie Rich Incorporates in Delaware. Easy to Believe Tales. Supergirl vs. The Glass Ceiling. The Green Listener. He was just trying to unload these crappy comics on a helpless kid.

I second that motion... with a vengeance! All in favor, say "Die."

Here's a Danish, Krusty. Gimme, gimme, gimme! Now, that's Danish. Where'd you get it? I stole it from Kent Brockman. Great! Uh, he didn't touch it, did he? No. Good job, kid. What's your name? I'm Bart Simpson. I saved you from jail.

I can't see, you idiot! Take your hands off my eyes! Whoa! Whoa! Ooh! Ahh!

Standing in line for a movie, having a key made and sitting here talking to you. Thirty-eight years and that's all I have to show for it. You're 39.

he's the man whose name you'd love to touch but you mustn't touCh his name sounds good in your ear

Who's ready for some football? Football! whoo-hoo whoo-hoo Hey, Homer, we've been running around cheering for an hour.

Homer was there. I saw something terrible and I can't even say it, so I'll have these two dolls do it for me. Kiss me, Artie. With pleasure. Homer's a big jerk. Mm-mmm, mm-mmm. Mmm. Whoa.

But zoo officials were quick to act, and Petunia, as she is known,

You got any cough syrup? Let me check the lost and found. Bowie knife, troll doll... glass eye... Oh, here we are.

Oh, these look good-- "Guilt-Free Steak-fish Fillets." Let me level with you, Marge. That's just our name for bottom-feeding suction eel. You don't want that. Why don't you try Moe's Hobo Chicken Chili. I start with the best part-- the neck. And then I add secret hobo spices. Ooh! TrÈs bien!

Behold the rarest of the rare, the mythological two-headed hound, born with only one head. Ooh, and here, out of the mists of history, the legendary esquilax,

Besides, we want to stay as far away from... the campy '70s version as possible. Billowing backpacks, Radioactive Man! It's the worst villain of them all! The Scoutmaster! I see him, Fallout Boy. Go get 'em, Scouts.

Why are we stopping at my school, Mother? What does it say on that sign? I don't like your tone! Surprise! Happy anniversary, Son. Oh, Mother. You are still the master of deception.

(SPEAKING ALBANIAN)

We'll live in a trailer, but to avoid paying for parking,

Merry Christmas and a happy New Year.

Oh, my eyes are burning. Oh, little chipmunk friend, I'm allergic to everything.

The Krusty the Klown Story: Booze, Drugs, Guns, Lies, Blackmail and Laughter. Starring Fyvush Finkel as Krusty the Clown. i went through a five-year orgy of nonstop pills and booze,

Wait, wait, wait, wait! Don't go! Oh, no, not today.

- Oh, geez. - My car! Puma Pride! Puma Pride! Catch the fever, Skinner!

I wish I read that book by that wheelchair guy.

Hey, Grampa, do you think your dead buddies get up and walk around at night? If they're anything like me, they have to get up twice. Okay, hold up here. Fellas, it's me, Sarge. At ease. I know I'm bending the rules tonight, but I also know none of you wants that skunk Burns to take our treasure.

You know, I went to the McDonald's in, uh, Shelbyville on Friday night. The Mc-what? Uh, McDonald's restaurant.

Whatever little money you have will be just fine.

For the love of God, sir! There are two seats! I like to put my feet up.

Aw! You suck, Marge. Come on! Move it, you clowns! What in blazes?

The Catholic Church-- we've made a few changes.

'Fraid old Zeke, he rides up here with me. Can't trust a pig with watermelons, you know.

Look, we might have cocktails, say, where all the guests are male. Are you trying to tell me that you guys are those guys that like guys? That's right, Homer. We're gay. You are? Hmm. Which will win out? My old-fashioned prejudices or the fact that I’ve already mixed my laundry with yours?

Hey, did you hear something? No. Hmm. Did I? I don't know!

Whoo! Wa-ho! So! Oh, geez. This looks bad.

Hey, I'm not saying it's gonna be a dance around the maypole! I won't tell Mom and Dad, but only because I want the dog back. just try not to freak out the blind man. I can't promise I'll try, but I'll try to try. Here, boy! Come on!

Free ride. Free ride. Free ride.

I believe Freddy Quimby should walk out of here a free hotel.

Oh, it was a fine machine... with a vulcanized rubber listening tube... which you crammed in your ear. The tube would go in easier with Some sort of lubricant... like linseed oil or Dr. Shumway's-- Shh! I'm sorry.

And that key he tied to the end of a kite? It opened the gates of hell! Well, let me know when you get back to horror. Will do.

Hmm, I don't agree with his Bart-killing policy. But I do approve of his Selma-killing policy. Well, he framed me for armed robbery. But, man, I'm aching for that upper-class tax cut.

Well, you're certainly doing your job today, Mr. Sun. Oh, rats.

Somebody check the men's room for a huge ass. I'm Hugh jazz. Telephone. This is Hugh jazz. Uh... hi. Who's this? Bart Simpson. What can I do for you? This is a crank call that backfired and I'd like to bail out right now. Better luck next time. Hmm, what a nice young man.

Shut up, you little monsters! Hello, I was wondering if you'd like to babysit my little angels. Sorry, this isn't Abbie. This is her sister. I look after her now. No, Bart, put it down. Put it down, Bart. Bart, put it down.

(ALL SCREAMING)

All right, who's Jimbo Jones? - I am. - You just made your second mistake, buddy boy! Please, dude, don't hurt me. Oh, man. That's your outlaw? I wasn't really gonna kill ya. I was just gonna cut ya.

Simpson, be quiet.

Lisa, knock off that racket! But, Dad, I'm supposed to practice an hour a day. I'll practice you! You'll practice me? What does that mean? Is it supposed to be some sort of threat? Bart, make her stop. Hmm.

Look, John, you seem like a perfectly nice guy and all. just stay the hell away from my family! Well, now you don't get any candy. No, that's cruel. Take a teensy piece. No. Homer, what have you got against gays?

I can hear you walking by-- It stinks! It stinks! It stinks! Yes, Mr. Sherman. Everything stinks.

Superintendent, I was just-- uh, just stretching my calves on the windowsill. Isometric exercise. Care to join me? Why is there smoke coming out of your oven, Seymour? Uh-- Oh. That isn't smoke. It's steam. Steam from the steamed clams we're having. Mmm. Steamed clams. Whew.

If I didn't have this gun, the king of England... could just walk in here anytime he wants and start shoving you around. Do you want that? Huh? - Do you? - No.

Uh-oh. Here, boy. Okay, okay, okay, okay.

Dad, Mr. Burns cut our power! Now, I can't print my paper! These batteries have to power everything in our house! Yo, I'll tell you what I want what I really, really want What I want, what I want I'll tell you what I want I want... (TAPE SLOWS DOWN AND STOPS) That was totally worth it.

Children, I don't know what you did to all those substitutes, but it's going to stop now! Leopold. All right. You listen up, you little freaks! The fun stops here. You're gonna shut your stinkin' traps and behave, damn it! This is one substitute you're not gonna screw with!

Wait a minute. There's something bothering me about this place. I know! This lesbian bar doesn't have a fire exit!

Wow. I wonder where all the rats are gonna go. Okay, everybody tuck your pants into your socks.

Um, Mrs. Krabappel, I'd like to stay, but this uniform carries certain responsibilities. Hey, look. Sergeant Dork! Ha-ha! Enjoy your test. Ha-ha-- Aw.

I love our Tuesdays together, Dad.

When you're alone the words of your story Will echo down the rest home hall 'Cause no one at all Can stand the sound of Grampa I first took a fancy to Mrs. Bouvier...

More friends! More allies! More, I say! Hang those who talk of less! There's a few inches over here, ho!

Oh, that's better. I could whack my own mother now. I'm glad you brought that up. Kill my mother? She makes such good pasta sauce. - It comes from a can. - She's a corpse.

Nelson's at the arcade, General. Battle stations. I feel so alive ! You know, I thought I was too old. I thought my time had passed. I thought I'd never hear the screams of pain... or see the look of terror in a young man's eyes. Thank heaven for children.

Oh, Homer, please. You're embarrassing yourself. No, I'm not, Marge. They're embarrassing me. They're embarrassing America. They turned the navy into a floating joke. They ruined all our best names, like Bruce and Lance and julian. Those were the toughest names we had. Now they're just, uh-- Queer?

The hell with this. I'm gettin' outta here! No, you fool! That elephant ate my entire platoon. Well, I'm not gonna let it happen again!

A few weeks ago, I was a washed-up actor with a drinking problem. Then Brad Goodman came along and gave me this job and a can of fortified wine. Ahh! Sweet liquor eases the pain.

Mr. Groening, will you autograph my Bender doll? Sure. I'm happy to give anyone my autograph anytime or anywhere. On the street, in a store or on my private property. But why be happy with just an autograph? What about an original sketch or snippet of my hair? And don't forget to pull my beard. They say it's good luck.

Excuse me. Yes?

You've seen the movie. Now meet a real-life Noah. Only this Noah has been accused of killing two of every animal. Coming up next on A.M. Springfield. Oh, my goodness. That was a long movie. It's time for school. Let's go! Let's go!

Oh, no. Krusty! My pacemaker. It's stuck on "hummingbird." Nectar. Nectar. I need to drink my way to nectar. Krusty!

First, patch the cracks in the slab using a latex patching compound and a patching trowel. Hand me my patching trowel, boy. Hmm. Now, do you have extruded polyvinyl foam insulation? No. Good. Assemble the aluminum j-channel using self-furring screws. Install. What do I do in case--

Get up, "Liser." President Kennedy! That's right, "Liser." Academics are important. But you must also train your body with vigor. That's why I created the President's Council on Physical Fitness. Er, ah, yes. I can't argue with the man who wrote Profiles in Courage.

What, the balding fat-ass? Uh, no, the Hindu guy.

What do those women expect? When you sign a contract with Fox, you know you're gonna be betrayed and humiliated.

Yes. Is it my imagination, or is TV getting worse? Ah, it's about the same. Uh-oh! Look out, Smithers! I love this show.

Well, I got everything I was supposed to get. I'm not going to enroll in that clown college though. That advertisement had no effect on me whatsoever.

Why did Mr. Smith kill everybody? It was symbolism. He was mad!

That's right. I shot J.R. Except for huge gaps in the western states Hands Across America was a complete success. Hands across America... Well, I never thought I'd see it.

Workin' 9 to 5 what A way to make A livin' ...and when ye tallow hardens, we remove it from yon mold. What a crappy candle. You've ruined our vacation.

You're my best friend. You're my best friend. You're my best friend.

I got separated from my platoon after we parachuted into DÜsseldorf. So I rode out the war posing as a German cabaret singer.

Coming, Eudora!

Get him! (CROWD MUTTERING) Pie Man, no! It's a trap! No trap can hold Homer Simpson... But I'm not Homer Simpson! I'm the Pie Man! Homer Simpson away! I mean, the Pie Man! Shoot to kill! (GUNS FIRING) (ALL SCREAMING)

Why didn't you say so? Get him, boys. The hooligans! Bash his eyes out!

Hey, Dad. What's the word from planet Crackpot? Oh, I suppose you're going to mock me too. Well, actually, Dad, I believe you. You do? Yes, I do. You seem so damn sure. Thank you, Son. Now, do you think you could stop the casual swearing? Hell, yes! That's my boy. Well, if you believe in me, then I'm not going to give up.

Oh, Marge? I just had a couple of beers.

Stop screaming, Homer. Quit trying to control me.

So if you don't want to see crude, lowbrow programming disappear from the airwaves, please, call now.

And who can tell me where thunder and lightning come from? Yes, Bart? The Leader, ma'am. Very good, Bart. And who invented Morse code? Oh. I should know this one. The-- The Leader? Ah. Correct again.

Under attack by Commie Nazis.

Despite the sweltering heat, don't unroll your windows, 'cause those monkeys seem confused and irritable. Hee-hee-hee! I pity those poor suckers on the freeway. Gas, brake, honk. Gas, brake, honk. Honk, honk, punch. Gas, gas, gas.

Mom, Dad, Bart and Stampy are gone! Oh, my Lord! I bet it's because of that horrible ivory dealer, Dad. He took Bart too? That wasn't part of our deal, Blackheart! That wasn't part!

D'oh! Come on! Come on! Come on, Maggie. You can trust me. Come to Daddy! Come to Daddy. Come to Daddy! I'm sorry, Maggie. I never realized things between us had gotten this bad.

I predict our new alcohol-free Duff Zero... will sell even better than our previous brand. Oh! Well, that's the end of me.

Aw! Look how happy she is.

Each leap brings us closer to God. - Catch me, Lord. Catch me. Wh-- - Ow! What have we done to make God angry? You did it. Stop jumping on me. I'm hurt. Kids, kids. Once you get hurt, move aside and let other people jump.

Yeah, but what about Johnny Mathis versus Diet Pepsi?

Missed one, Dad. See you in hell, dinner plate. Does anyone know where all my dinner plates went?

what say we let our hair down and play Bombardment-- Yea! of Bible Questions! Yea! Which version shall it be? St. james! The Vulgate of St. jerome! Vulgate it is. Ohh. Okay, for one gold star, what Persian king exempted the Levites from taxation? Artaxerxes!

In the, uh, spirit of the occasion, I must tell you what I think.

Spoon. They say he carved it himself from a bigger spoon.

(BRAKES SCREECHING)

I wager 400 quatloos on the newcomer.

Mm-hmm. Oh! "Design your own power plant," eh? This is my chance to show everyone how professional I am.

One Chorus line of people dancing till they make us stop two Many dancing people covered with blood, gore and glop just one sniff of that fog

Don't g-get me wrong.

Huh? Oh, Lisa, it's terrible. Okay. This dance has gone Titanic. What happened?

I'll dedicate my life to my children.

or senseless CBS-style violence. So sit back and enjoy a night of worry-free-- What the fudge-- Oh, for Pete's sake! Jiminy Christmas! Darn it!

Why, you little--

Hey, Marge, why are you with Krusty? These kids are too old for clowns. Actually, Homer, I'm into your lady. Hey, man, she's not my lady anymore. We split up, it's all cool. I... - I'll kill you! - (GAGGING)

would you mind hanging my coat up on the wall, please? Mm-hmm. Um, uh, let's see. Um, uh-- Relax, Homer. At Globex, we don't believe in walls. Matter of fact, I didn't even give you my coat. Hmm?

If people stop paying attention to it, pretty soon it goes away.

And, now, in honor of your achievement, here is the theme song from the hit motion picture, The Bodyguard. ANd i-eee-i-eee-i Will always love you-oo Whee-ha!

That's okay. I think I'll go somewhere friendlier, like beautiful downtown Grozny. Zoom!

Uh, Springfield, my computer shows your T-437 is fully operational. Uh, I suggest you-- Oh, my God! Oh, God, no! Oh, this can't be happening! You're operating without a T-437, Springfield! Oh, sweet mother of mercy! I mean-- I mean, my God!

the trash needs to be taken out, the living room is a mess-- Oh, we'll clean up this afternoon. What about Maggie? I got my dad to look after her. Behind ya! Don't do that! Don't do that!

Simpson 10, Terrorists 8. Homer, tell the story right. Okay. Homer, you should see a doctor. I don't think a healthy man can make that kind of smell.

I see. Fascinating. And there was something called the Crusades, for instance. Tremendous violence ! Many people killed ! The darned thing went on for 30 years ! And this was before cartoons were invented ? That's right, Kent. So much for your viewpoint. Hmm ! Dr. Marvin Monroe in Vienna, would you care to comment on all this ?

Come on, Mom! You never treat yourself to anything. Oh, sure I do. I treated myself to a Sanka not three days ago. But this is a real find. just buy it. You don't have to rationalize everything. Hmm. All right, I will buy it! It'll be good for the economy.

and Man vs. Nature-- The Road to Victory.

One that won't make me crash my car Or make me feel 3 feet thick I want a new drug One that won't hurt my head (MAN COUGHING) All right. Here's your medication.

His name is Abraham Simpson, and he's got something you couldn't get at your fancy schools-- life experience. Actually, you know, I wrote my thesis on life experience, and-- Quiet! Abe, tell 'em about your amazing life. I spent 40 years as a night watchman at a cranberry silo. Wow!

Ms. Tan, I loved The Joy Luck Club. It really showed me how the mother-daughter bond can triumph over adversity. No. That's not what I meant at all. You couldn't have gotten it more wrong. But-- Please, just sit down. I'm embarrassed for both of us. Mmm.

Hey, let's get one ofthose home satellite dishes. Then we can stop suckling on the six-network teat. Get back, honky cat. Those systems are too expensive. Marge, we cant pinch pennies... on the machine that's going to be raising our children.

More butt support. More butt support!

Thank you. Thank you. I must say, in many ways, Springfield really beats the old slave-labor camp. I admit Sergeant Skinner seems okay. But Mr. Tamzarian pulled himself up from the streets... and earned our respect and admiration.

Well, there's the fat kid with the thing. The little wiener who's always got his hands in his pockets. They want a name, not a vague description. Okay. Hank? Hank? Hank who? Hank... Jones. Homer, you made that up. Question two. "Who is your son's hero?" Steve McQueen. That's your hero.

- Hell, no. - You got it. Ready, Señor Beaveratti? I'm a-ready. And a-one, and a-two... You're the birthday You're the birthday You're the birthday boy or girl...

Oh, quit showing off, Seymour. I'll get it. There is something in there.

Good-bye, Adil. Have a nice trip. Good-bye, Adil. I'll send you those civil defense plans you wanted. Air France, flight dix-neuf cent quatre-vingts huit, Paris to Springfield is now arriving. Look, Mom. There he is !

Oh, I'll stay away from your son, all right. Stay away... forever. Oh, no! Wait a minute. That's no good. Wait. I've got a good one now. Marge, say "Stay away from my son" again.

Next. Wait a minute. It says here you're single. Did I do wrong? Cold biscuits, chicken, yellow... mailman.

Fight and bite and bite Fight, fight, fight Bite, bite, bite You know, some of these stories are pretty good. The itchy & Scratchy Show I never knew mice lived such interesting lives. So much needless brutality. I don't know if I'm having any impact at all.

I know now what I can offer you that no one else can: complete and utter dependence.

- Is this how you imagined your life, Edna? - Well, yes. But then I was a very depressed child. To poor decisions. Hear! Hear!

Um, do you know what you're doing? Lisa, you don't spend 10 years as a homicidal maniac... without learning a few things about dynamite.

Hey. Take that. Take this.

Weren't you a little hard on him? Well, you knew I had a temper when you married me. Ned Flanders is on the phone. Oh, if this is about that stupid quarter again, I... Hello, Ned. Sorry to bother you, Reverend Lovejoy.

- While I'm gone, you're in command. - Me? - Him? - Yes. Maybe it's the salt water in my veins, or the nitrogen bubbles in my brain, but I've taken a real shine to you.

Why does a dog have human girlfriends? People do crazy things in ads-- like eat at Arby's.

It was the most I ever threw up, and it changed my life forever. You the man, Homer! Thanks, boy. Now for the crowning touch. I don't know, Dad. Don't you have a better picture? Relax. A photo can't make any difference.

Godspeed, little doodle.

Wow, what an ending. Who would have thought Darth Vader was Luke Skywalker's father? Well, thank you, Mr. Blow-The-Picture-For-Me.

that will horribly burn everything in its path. Now, that's real acid, so I want to see goggles, people. Real acid? Okay. Roll film! Tip the acid vats! And... action.

About a million girls Heh. Hey. Ooh. Look out.

With the family in disarray, episodes increasingly resorted... to gimmicky premises and nonsensical plots.

These toothy Tarzan-munchers have a rigid hierarchy with a single alpha male ruling the pride.

I thought I told you to go to bed. Yeah, right. "Bread." You said, "Go to bread." I said, "Go to bed." Yeah. "Go to bread." B-E-D! Bed! Oh! "Bed"! Oh.

Governors Island looks so insignificant from up here. Hey, immigrants, beat it! Country's full! Okay, folks. You heard the lady. Back into the hold. We'll try Canada.

Five thousand dollars on-- - What century is this ? - The 20th. Great ! Put it on number 20. Excuse me. Excuse me. Have you seen an old man with a lot of money ? He looks like me, but he's wrinkled. Hello. Have you seen a-- Dad ! No ! Twenty black.

That's where I got this scar. What do we want? More equitable treatment in the hands of management! When do we want it? Soon! Where's my burrito? Where's my burrito? Where's my burrito? Ow! Then I got this scar sneaking under the door of a pay toilet.

So anyway, we brought you this wicked gift basket. Stubble glitter, a crowd Taser. Crowd Taser? Yeah. It's perfect for getting through the fans to your limousine. Ow! Yo! Dudes, we gotta go. Our clothes are getting a little out-of-date. To the Bandana Republic! Word!

Di-da. They haven't changed a bit, have they?

This vacation really blows. Well, at least we're past the lighting round. Hmm. I see. I sure hope they don't have an ice cream round. Mmm. I don't think that bridge can support much weight.

- Wha-- - Huh? It's Suds McDuff! With a shuttle craft of genuine draft! Whoo-ha! Ooh! A party. Duff. The official beer of NASA--

You're one of a kind, Marge, and nobody deserves this more than you.

Mom, Dad! Bart's dead! That's right! Dead serious about going to Itchy and Scratchy Land. You know, Itchy and Scratchy Land isn't just for kids. - They have a place called Parents Island. - Huh?

So sorry, Mr. Simpson. Your house is blocking...

Maggie smells bad, and the cat wants something, but I don't know what. I'm almost done. And tell Bart to get out of my purse.

Forgive an old Brit for crying, but this is the most stirring display of gallantry and sportsmanship... since Mountbatten gave India back to the Punjabs. Put her there, man ! Yeah ! All right !

So, watch out, Utica. Springfield is a city on the... grow. The way people act around here, you'd think the streets were paved with gold. They are.

You mean, you're willing to give up a good job and a raise... just for your principles ? Mmm. When you put it that way, it does sound a little farfetched,

Cool costume. It's not a costume. They found me inside a meteor. Excuse me. Where are your hamper lids? Hamper lids? Uh, third floor. Help. I need tungsten to live. Tungsten!

No, thanks. Send it this way, boy. - Whoops! - Aww. Aw, nothing gets chocolate out. See?

I'm taking your caricature down from Mount Lushmore, and I'm pulling your favorite song out of the jukebox. "It's Raining Men"? Yeah, not no more it ain't. Ow! Ooh!

Lady, you disgust me. Mom, that's veal.

What's he doin' with that broom? Uh, what isn't he doing? I heard that guy's ass has its own congressman. Hey! Leave my dad alone. just because he's overweight doesn't mean he's bad. He's a sweet man, and he has real feelings.

Man, those derringer bullets are weak. Powerful weak. Light out, and stay lit out!

You kids do need a babysitter. Blast that infernal card. Don't give that card to me. Here you go-- No!

and your card was just great. In case you can't tell, I'm being sarcastic. You stink ! - Could you read that last part back to me ? - "You stink !" Heh-heh-heh. Good.

Anyway, the moral is, the lion was so happy, he gave Hercules... this big... thing of riches. How did a lion get rich ? Oh. It was the olden days !

You take a dash of Dad, a pinch of Mom, then we bake for nine months, and-- Mmm. That's good Billy. Mr. McClure, what does D.N.A. stand for?

Hey, Blink-182l We have names, you know. Whatever. You can crank it up. Dude, let's trash this place. After we get paid. Nice.

Thank you. I'm really sorry, everybody. But I've tried everything. I'm afraid we're just going to have to learn to live with it. No, no, no. No dice!

Thanks, Mr. Murphy. My friends call me Bleedin' Gums. Eww. How'd you get a name like that ? Well, let me put it this way. You ever been to the dentist ? - Yeah. - Not me. I suppose I should go to one, but I got enough pain in my life as it is.

Mom, you won't believe this, but something you said the other day really got through to me. Mmm! And now, I am going to teach some kids a lesson. I choose to take that literally. Death to Shelbyville! Yes, Bart's a tutor now. Tute on, son! Tute on!

Time for bed. Sing me my bedtime song, Mom. Ooey, gooey rich and chewy inside golden, flaky tender, cakey outside Mm. Wrap the inside in the outside - is it good Darn tootin'! Doin' the big fig newton Here's the tricky part.

Quoth the Raven: Eat my shorts. Bart, stop it ! He says "nevermore." And that's all he'll ever say. Okay, okay.

at my apartment-- the Fiesta Terrace. I've been waiting for you. Come in, my captivating one.

And number three, that is a girl's bike.

Our top story: Homer Simpson has just "powersauced" his way... past the halfway point of the Murderhorn. Brad, could Homer have made it this far... without the engineered nutrition of six kinds of apples? No way, Neil. Oh. This just in. Powersauce is amazing!

Bart, what's wrong? You seem distracted. Oh, I was just thinking about Milhouse and Lisa. Mmm-hmm. What are you thinking about now? Hey, that rundown old house looks familiar.

Dang me, dang me They oughta take a rope and hang me High from the highest tree Woman, would you weep for me

Oh, they're newlyweds. They'll just talk things out and top it off with some lovin'.

We told you to hold on to the handrail. We asked you not to spit over the side. Howdy, stranger !

rent me an igloo, and tell those dorks at the Kwik-E-Mart that, boom, I am out of here. I'm a dot. I'm gone. Okay? What do you mean I gotta give two weeks notice? Why, you damn, frickin', no good mother-- cheese! No, not you. I'm just talkin' to my oven.

Huh? Oh, we're just watching the sun move across the sky. When it gets to here, we can drink again. But I need that beer now!

I have here a polite but firm letter to Mr. Burns's underlings, who, with some cajoling, will pass it along to him, or at least give him the gist of it. Sir, a lot of people are stroking guns. Also it has been brought to my attention that a number of you are stroking guns. Therefore, I will step aside and open up the floor.

Hey! That big ape thinks he can muscle in... on my girl, does he? I'll show him. I'm gonna give him the frowning of a lifetime.

Hi, Poochie! You look like you've got something to say. - Do you? - Yes, I certainly do. I have to go now. My planet needs me. Wow! Poochie came from another planet?

About last night-- You might have noticed Daddy acting a little strange, and you probably don't understand why. - I understand why. You were wasted. - I admit it. I didn't know when to say when. I'm sorry it happened, and I just hope you didn't lose a lot of respect for me. Dad, I have as much respect for you as I ever did or ever will. Oh !

People die all the time, just like that. Why, you could wake up dead tomorrow. Well, good night.

Sixty-three. Two. One. Have you been up all night eating cheese? I think I'm blind. Wha--

Hey, this old girl's as sure-footed as a mountain goat.

So, a round of applause for... this inanimate carbon rod. Inanimate, huh? I'll show him inanimate!

Hello, this is Bob "What the hell am I doing in Springfield" Hope. Hey, how about that Mayor Quimby? He's some golfer! His golf ball spends more time underwater than Greg Louganis. And now, I wanna show you what you're fighting for, if there was a war on. Little Miss Springfield.

And what do you have to show for your lifetime of sloth and ignorance? What? Everything! A dream house, two cars, a beautiful wife, a son who owns a factory, fancy clothes and-- lobsters for dinner. And do you deserve any of it? No!

Yes, you ! Baboon, baboon, baboon, baboon ! I don't think you realize what you're saying. Baboon !

I miss Bea. I miss you too. Oh, Abraham, calm down. I'm not here to scare you. They've got me haunting a family in Texas. Oh. Well, I'm glad you're keeping busy.

This has been a Bart-toon presentation. In association with Ay Carumba Entertainment. Why that little--

I need to unwind. I know you do, Marge but you know what our vacations are like-- Those three monsters in the backseat-- "Are we there yet? Are we there yet?" And I'm no day at the beach either. "Marge, can I have another sandwich? Marge, can I have another sandwich?"

So, uh, what are you in for ? I'm a political prisoner. Last time I ever take a stand. Well, I'm here for being me. Every day I show up, act like me, and they slap me in here.

just my bones... and organs.

Oh, why won't anyone believe my crazy story?

Bart, why are you talking like that? Yeah, and who the hell are you talkin' to? Marge, do you have other men in this house? Radioactive men?

Out of the way, slim. Thanks for your help with the anchor, guys. Guys?

Okay, Homer, I'm ready to learn.

Arr! Ninety sea chanteys on three compact discs. Blow the man down, mateys blow the man down row, row, row your boat in the navy come on and join your fellow man Act now and get a bonus C.D.

Do you know what really frosts my Kelvinator? That fruitcup's probably still laughing at us from his damn hidey-hole. I'd rather take an order from Bill Clinton... than hear that guy's snooty, high-toned voice again, sir. "High-toned voice." Bart, that's it. I know where Sideshow Bob is hiding.

This lava is not a criminal. It hasn't hurt anybody... (SCREAMING) Anybody I know. Chief, my daughter's up there. You're a father, too! Yeah. But I'm a cop first, then a boat enthusiast, amateur historian, yo-yo dieter, then I'm a cop again...

Bart, the police haven't had any luck finding the teacher's editions. The dogs have picked up the scent of books. Send in the battering ram. Here we go.

So what's your story, Seymour, if that is your real name? Well, obviously it isn't. My real name is Armin Tamzarian.

You crushed my boyfriend! You better be good at making out! Today, Geezer Rock will be officially designated a national landmark. What's the big deal about a rock that looks like a dude? I've got a dad that looks like a monkey. Bart, you promised you'd stop making that comparison!

Well, duh. Yabba-dabba-doo! Simpson, Homer Simpson

I have a boyfriend. You won't be needing this.

My child told me you two were having sex in the school janitor's closet.

just make it happen.

Almost. Just give her another 20 minutes. Yeah, but the concert's at 8:00. Mmm. Mmm.

Bah! This is just another Hallmark holiday cooked up to sell cards. Ohh. A valentine from my granddaughter. Could I have the envelope?

Great. Oh, uh, and there was something else. Something I was supposed to tiptoe around-- My divorce. That's it! Whoo-hoo!

Too cold and sterile. Where's the heart?

Hello. I'm Nichelle Nichols of Star Trek.

Psst! Bishop to queen four. We're playing dominoes. I said bishop to queen four. All right, all right, ya--

It's a monster! Kill it! Kill it! It's not a monster. It's Mr. Burns. Oh, it's Mr. Burns. Kill it! Kill it! No. No, let me explain. Every Friday evening after work, Mr. Burns undergoes a series of medical treatments... designed to cheat death for another week.

Poop. Get ready, everybody. He's about to do something stupid. Well, I'm sorry to disappoint you, gentlemen. But you seem to have me confused with a character in a fictional show.

Oh, don't worry, Marge. Her idea of wit is nothing more than an incisive observation... humorously phrased and delivered with impeccable timing. I'm sure you'll be a smash at the ball, and I just know you'll have a lovely new outfit.

He says what we're all thinking. I'm not thinking that.

Eww! She's faking it.

Hmm. Fifteen years of loyal service, and this is how they tell me? A jester with an invisible proclamation.

Man, this whole place puffs of the wacky-tabbacky. I'm out of here. Going somewhere? Uh, though you're free to do so. Uh-- No. Just rearranging my underwear. Ah. There it is.

I think you will find me fair and fun.

Bart ! You don't even care ! You don't even care ! All right, Bart ! That's it ! Go to your room now ! Okay. I'll take some white meat and stuffing to go,

South of the Border

I know this looks bad, but if you reverse it, Daddy's a hero. See? Watch. I saved you! You stole my money! Bart, stop that! That's okay. His cute little hands cant even fit around my neck. He-

But without beer, prohibition doesn't work. Hey, hi. Can I arrest any of you people for anything? No. Aw, geez. I don't have anything to do anymore. With Banner around, alcohol and crime are history in this town, and so am I. Now, don't say that! Alcohol is a way of life.

You, sir, have the boorish manners of a Yalie!

Hello. I'm proud to announce... that we've been able to increase safety here at the plant... without increasing the cost to the consumer... or affecting management pay raises. However, for you semiskilled workers, there will be no Christmas bonuses. Oh, and one more thing.

(GASPS) There's Dan Rather and Tom Brokaw hanging out with Kent Brockman! You want your mike back, local anchor? This just in. I'm pissed off. Hi, fellas.

Is it that horrible living with me? Well, this morning isnt a barrel of laughs. It is to me. Marge, I cant live like this. I'm tired of walking around on eggshells. Maybe if you didnt throw 'em on the floor.

Boohoo! You're breakin' my heart. Homie, I think the baby's coming. Wow. A baby and a free burger. Could this be the best day of my life? Coming up next, an hour-long episode of Mama's Family. Yes! We'll take good care of your boy, Simpson.

We'd like to dedicate this next number to a very special woman. She's 100 years old, and she weighs over 200 tons. This enormous woman will devour us all! Aaah! I-- I meant the statue.

Hammocks! Get your hammocks! The hammock man! I'm glad he's a little early today. The price is $10. But I must warn you, this is no ordinary hammock. lts webbing is a mesh of comfort and evil.

Candy bar? No! It's a new drug called Focusyn. A drug? I know Bart can be rambunctious, but he's not some hyperactive monster. Gimme an "F"! Good Lord! Gimme an "art"! He's gotten into the pep closet. What's that spell? I'd say he's coming out of the pep closet.

Where's my burrito? Where's my burrito? Where's my burrito? Ow!

Thanks, Sparkle. Wait... This isn't you. That's the old Sparkle. Get your worthless butts in the van. We got three more schools. Let's go, go, go!

Man, that is flagrant false advertising!

I'm ruined! Forbes called it: Overblown, don't you think? What about New Coke? Hey! I invented that.

I certainly hope someone stabs him in the eye. Oh!

Help. The human's about to escape. Get your paws off me, you dirty ape!

How frightfully rude! I certainly hope someone stabs him in the eye.

Yeah, well, you love Moleman. No, you do. You're gay for Moleman! You're gay for Moleman! (BOTH GRUNTING) No one's gay for Moleman. (BOTH GRUNTING)

- eh, Fallout Boy? - What's for lunch tomorrow?

Dancing, dancing, dancing

I'd be more than happy to.

And now, I give you The Eternal Struggle. Relaxed fit, my Aunt Fanny! Stupid Dockers! Oh. The belt is buckled.

Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home wine-making course and I forgot how to drive? - That's because you were drunk! - And how.

Product Day? No, no, no! No. It's got to be warm and fuzzy-- something like, um, Love Day, but not so lame.

When I ordered that blueberry Squishy I meant today.

I hope you know you're sponsoring a celebration for a murderous pirate. A pirate? Well, that's hardly the image we want for Long john Silver's.

But he loves me. Ow! Why you little... I'll endanger you...

Uh, is that your collar, Reverend? Uh, yes. How did that get down there? Come back to papa, baby. To think, I turned to a cult for mindless happiness... when I had beer all along.

Clean but nauseous. "Clean but nauseous." With the rolling and the heaving and the you make me sick! You've disgraced the name of John Nerdlebaum Frink. But, Father, I... (SOBBING) We never spoke again.

For some pimply little puke that treats ya like dirt unless you're on a team. Well, I'm better than dirt. Well, most kinds of dirt. I mean, not that fancy, store-bought dirt. That stuff's loaded with nutrients. I can't compete with that stuff. That I cannot bowl wreaks havoc with my self-esteem as well, but who am I to complain?

I didn't mean to take sides. I just got caught up in the rhythm. Good morning, class. A certain... agitator--

You should join my religion, Moe. It's great. No hell, no kneeling-- Sorry, Homer. I was born a snake handler, and I'll die a snake handler.

Oh, enchiladas!

I can't believe you're not still popular. What'd you do? Screw up like the Beatles and say you were bigger than jesus? All the time. It was the title of our second album. But we were about to learn an iron law of show business.

Hey, Lise, check it out. Diamond vision. Buzz off.

This is an outrage! I am not a clumsy Clouseau-esque waiter! I will-- Whoa! Whoo! Whoo! Ooh! Ow! Ow! Ow! At least there were no big ones. Ay.

Homer, tell the nice man... what country you come from. America. Do you hear that, you morons ? This is why we're getting killed in the marketplace !

You know, Bart, when I was your age, I pulled a few boners. But I think you'll find that people are pretty decent... if you give them half-- Look ! There it is--

Honey, maybe you should relax a little. Relax? I can't relax, nor can I yield, relent or-- Only two synonyms? Oh, my God! I'm losing my perspicacity! Well, it's always in the last place you look.

The truth is out there! Who'd have thought a whale could be so heavy? Geez, it's the feds! Oh, Marge, I never felt so alone. No one believes me.

"At all times let a man be supple as a reed and not rigid as a cedar." Bart, my short, learned friend, the Book of joshua says "You shall meditate on the Torah all day and all night."

Lyrics are the hardest part of songwriting. But when you come up with something meaningful and heartfelt-

Mm, what about Abe Simpson? Don't you have any feelings for him? Oh, he's a dear, but he's too much of an old fusspot. We're all aware of Grampa's problems, but compared to Mr. Burns, he's judge freaking Reinhold. I don't know who that is.

Homer, I don't want to leave Springfield. I've dug myself into a happy little rut here, and I'm not about to hoist myself out of it. just bring the rut with ya, honey. Come on. Take a look. Cypress Creek, A Tale of One City. Uh, let's watch something else.

Gonna work on my "tannage," buddy. Pauly Shore? Wow! Hey. We should do a show together, man. That's a sure cure for the blues. Hey! Turn those frowns around. Oh, no. Rosie O'Donnell!

Oh, I wish I were an Oscar Meyer wiener That is what I'd truly like to be 'Cause if I were an Oscar Meyer wiener Everyone would be in love With me

That was unexpected. Well, reset the catapult, and let's get this over with.

A real scrapper. A self-made man, like me. Bring this Grimes fellow to me. I want to make him my executive vice president. Yes, sir. Smithers, I've just seen the most heroic dog on television. He pulled a toddler from the path of a speeding car,

Now you tell me. Oh! Simpson! Hey, what's goin' on? That guy's not Homer Simpson. He's fat and stupid.

And finally, Maggie. Eh! Nobody told us how tough it is to raise kids. They almost drove me to fortified wine. Then we figured out we could park them in front of the TV. That's how I was raised, and I turned out TV.

f Female Announcer] Howdy, partners. My name is Sheriff- f Homer's Voice f Lisa Simpson. f A nnouncer] i sure am hungry for my favorite food- f Homer's Voice] McNuggets. I dont like McNuggets. I'm a vegetarian. Still?

People do crazy things in ads-- like eat at Arby's.

Doh ! It's just a card ! This is some way to show your gratitude ! No gold, no diamonds, no rubies ! Not even a lousy card ! Wait. There was a card. That's what got me so mad in the first place !

Come on, jub jub. Let's go home, and I'll microwave you some nice roaches.

Give Daddy the... D'oh! (LAUGHS) Oh, wise guy, eh? (GROANING)

Oh. Well, I'm glad you're keeping busy. Now listen, Abe. I want to know why my money isn't bringing you happiness. Oh, Bea, I'm not cut out for the high life. Abraham, if you're not happy with the money, why don't you spread it around ? Make other people as happy as you made me.

Ah, faithful toilet. You'll prove me right. I'm a-singin' in the sh-- Yeow! Oww! Hot! Yaah! Cold! Oww! Hot! Cold! Hot!

"Asleep at the switch"? I wasn't asleep. I was drunk! I believe you, Dad.

Happy birthday to you Happy birthday - Happy birthday to you - Happy birthday Happy birthday, Burnsie Happy birthday to you Go to hell, you old bastard. Hey, I think they liked us. Have the Rolling Stones killed. Oh, sir, those aren't-- Do as I say!

Marge dear, would you kindly pass me a doughnut? Doughnut? What's a doughnut?

All right, now, boy. We've got to rub some garlic on you before the next full moon. Don't feel bad for losin'. I was wrestling wolves back when you were at your mother's teat.

Hi, I'm Troy McClure. You might remember me from such public service videos as... Designated Drivers: The Lifesaving Nerds... and Phony Tornado Alarms Reduce Readiness.

Look at 'em! Oh, I got it from Space Invaders in 1977. Oh, yeah, that was a pretty addictive video game. Video game?

You know, I always thought you'd die before me. Now, as I prepare my soul for an eternity of fire and poking-- Yeah, less chat, more splat, pal! Hey, Mr. S., I didn't know you bungeed.

That really covers the cat crap.

I'm Krusty the Clown, and I love you very much. Oh, Dad, this is the best birthday I've ever had. That doll is evil, I tells ya. Evil! E-E-Evil! Grampa, you said that about all the presents.

Ooh! I don't get it, Homer. You're a millionaire, and you've got all the babes you want. Why aren't you living it up in your palace in Europe? Well, let's just say I... hate crime.

Whoo! S.T.D.’s!

Only management-type guys with big salaries like me can afford things like that. Guys like me! I'm a guy like me! All right, team, it's the fourth quarter. The Lord gave us the atoms, and it's up to us to make 'em dance. Hey, if Tom Landry's hat doesn't motivate you,

You nail the windows shut. I'll get the gun. Bart, I don't want to alarm you, but there may be a bogeyman or bogeymen in the house. Hmm. What happened here?

...uh, jock Strap.

You know, I usually insist on approving Marge's dates, but from what she's told me, I'm sure you're a solid citizen. Thanks, Mr. B.

Oh, my God! He is like some sort of... non-giving up... school guy.

They're just a bunch of hilarious stuff, you know, like people getting hurt and stuff. Stuff like that-- Ohh! Look, kids. I just got my party invitations back from the printers. "Come to Homer's BBBQ. The extra 'B' is for BYOBB." What's that extra "B" for? That's a typo.

Now he steals my right to raise a disobedient, smart-alecky son! Well, that's it! Hey, Bush! Get out here! Excuse me, sir. Where are you going? I'm going to punch George Bush in the face.

Look, Mother, by that tree-- Cheetah. Mmm. He doesn't look so fast to me.

And he appears every Friday night... like Urkel! Well, your story is very compelling, Mr. jackass-- I mean, Simpson. So, I'll just type it up on my invisible typewriter. You don't have to humiliate me.

Your Web page has stumbled upon our secret plan. That's impossible. All my stories are bull plop. Bull plop! Don't be cute. I'm referring to the flu shot exposé. You see, we're the ones loading them with mind-controlling additives. But why? To drive people into a frenzy of shopping.

I can't help it. It's the shoes. Nobody upstages Little Vicki. Oh, please stop. I'm just getting started.

Who are all these characters? You're probably too young to remember... the short-lived Itchy and Scratchy and Friends Hour. They had to come up with some friends. There's Disgruntled Goat, Uncle Ant, Klu Klux Klam. Oh, yeah. They weren't very funny. I don't know. Disgruntled Goat had his moments.

(EXCLAIMS IN DISAPPOINTMENT) I liked Doug.

Mmm... the land of chocolate!

Oh, wait. Now I can do it for real.

And there you go. Ah, Bobo. Reunited at last. But I can't help but wonder what the future holds for you.

Oh, my gosh. I've entered the body of our cat. Aah! Maggie! Hey, hey! Get your sticky hands off me! Ow! Oh, bad cat! Leave her alone!

What in blue blazes do you think you're doing, Simpson ?

You know, Maggie, the sooner kids talk, the sooner they talk back. I hope you never say a word. Daddy.

No. Yes, this should provide adequate sustenance for the Doctor Who marathon.

You know, the whale is not really a fish. They're mammals, like you and me.

Got your nose. Got your wallet. No! Bart, don't you ever do that again. Understand? Beep.

with Dartmouth banjologist, Stefan Whitmore. (PLAYING) It's just... It's not that good. In our second hour, humorist David Sedaris takes a wry look at overcrowding in America's prisons. Prison overcrowding? I've got a solution for that.

I don't care. Magic, what if people think a guy's a hero but he was just lucky? Sooner or later people like that are exposed as frauds. Thanks, Magic. Fight-fight-fight, fight-fight-fight the itchy and scratchy show!

Hey, Homer. Weren't you the plant's Y2K compliance officer? Absolutely. Must have been hard debugging all those computers, huh, Homer? Doing what now? You did fix them, right, Dad? Because even a single faulty unit could corrupt every other computer in the world.

Come to Uncle Moe's for family fun it's good, good, good, good Good-good-good Mmm! Sounds good.

Mr. Maestro. Oh I could love a million girls

Homer no function beer well without.

Your attention, please. Uh, in episode-- Uh, your attention, please! Mr. Simpson will now be autographing 8-by-10 glossies of Poochie. One per customer. Please form a line. There will be no cutting. I'm talking to you, Mr. Cutter.

Holy Moly! Huh?

Son, let's stop the fussin' and the feudin'. I love you, Pa! I love you, Cletis!

Bad dog! Bad cat! Bad fawn. Hmm. Shoo! Shoo!

U.S.A.! U.S.A.! U.S.A.!

"you better burn a few other things. "You better burn your shirt and your pants. "Be sure to burn your TV and car. "Oh, yes, and don't forget to burn your house... "because none of those things could exist without six white stripes... seven red stripes and a hell of a lot of stars." Thank you very much.

It's all happening again!

Hey, German boy! Go back to "Germania." I do not deserve this!

Pal, you gotta call that number on the boot. Sorry about that guy. They stick all the jerks in Tower One. That's it! I'm comin' over there! Why don't you come over here! - I got something for you! - Shut up, the both of youse!

Tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk. That boy's parents must've made some terrible mistakes.

There's our Broadway baby. Hey, dig that crazy rhythm. I'm just walking. Listen, I know I said I wanted to be a dancer, but-- And you Will be a dancer. Look at you, all sugar and spice instead of equations and test tubes. You're Daddy's precious dancing queen.

Well, we're leaving. And remember, no Itchy and Scratchy. Aw! I'd better take these batteries just to be sure. Mm-hmm.

That's not my mother. I'll be back in a jiffy. Can I come too?

We won! Yea! U.S.A.! U.S.A.! U.S.A.! U.S.A.!

Robots be right back. Whoo! All that seizing made me hungry. Me too. Let's go to an authentic Japanese noodle house. The toilet recommended a place called Americatown. Dad, we didn't come halfway around the world to eat at Americatown. I'd like to see the japanese take on the club sandwich.

Well, well, well w-w-Well, w-w-well Well, well, w-w-w-well Well, well, well, well More. Come along. Keep going. More. More. Right there. Let her go.

Thanks to modern editing techniques, we can use existing footage to complete the film without Milhouse. Watch. Looks like we're in trouble, Fallout Boy. Jiminy jillickers, Radioactive Man! We'll have to fight our way out. Are you ready?

- homemakers... - Hu-yaah!!

Here in the boudoir the gourmand metamorphosizes into... the voluptuary! What in God's name are you talking about?

School's out! Up yours, Krabappel! Well, I'm glad the rest of you remembered... that summer vacation starts at the end of the day, not the beginning. Here you go, ma'am.

Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! We're here. Howdy, partner.

Hmm. That's odd. Usually the blood gets off at the second floor.

Friend. Friend! Hey, kid, wake up. Who are you? I'm Laura, your new neighbor. You all right? She's beautiful. Say something clever. I fell on my bottom.

Mr. Burns was the closest thing I ever had to a... friend. But he fired me. Now I spend my days drinking cheap scotch and watching Comedy Central. Oh, dear God! Oh, it's not that bad. I mean, I never miss Pardon My Zinger.

How could you soil the good name of Star Blitzzz Promotions? Oh, come on, Lisa. We've always used pop stars to recruit people. Going back to Elvis. Then there was Sgt. Pepper's, the Captain & Tennille, and the Kiss army. But you have recruiting ads on TV.

I think the metric system is the tool of the devil! My car gets 40 rods to the hogshead, and that's the way I likes it! The old person's remarks will be stricken from the record. Who said that?

What's the matter with you, kid? You told me the stream was shallow! Why, you-- I-- Oh, you. Oh, kid. I'll get even with you.

I'm calming down!

Smithers, are they booing me? Uh, no. They're saying, "Boo-urns! Boo-urns!" Are you saying "Boo" or "Boo-urns"? I was saying Boo-urns.

Well, good-bye. Wait. I've got an idea. - An idea? - Huh?

No! It was finger Ling-Ling good.

Don't be afraid.

Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Mom, that is really annoying. Bart started it. Uh-uh. Lisa started it. I don't care who started it! I don't ever want to see you two fighting like that ever again. We love you both. You're not in competition with each other.

Man, all these bands are just rippin' off judas Priest. Lovin' till the morning Ooh, I hear this really sucks. Hmm, director's commentary. I'm sorry. I am really sorry. Ugh! Ugh! I don't know what I was thinking, but, uh, Field of Dreams was good, wasn't it?

You've ruined Thanksgiving !

Marijuana. Well, I guess he didn't like you after all. He just smelled your narcotics. Book him, boys. Hold on, Chief. It might be medicinal. Oh, yeah! Medicinal! Why, without it I could, uh, go even blinder, right?

No, kid! Don't! Command link severed. Default setting. Crush. Kill. Destroy. D-- Don't! Children, help! He's killing me!

It's so cute what she does. Be the baby, kitty. Go on. Be the baby. Come on. Snowball! You don't understand. She loves to climb in here. I believe you! I don't care!

"Y." "Y." "Y." "Y."

I was trying to punish him exactly like you would. So, in a way, you really dropped the ball on this one. This is your mess, and I'll be damned if I'm gonna clean it up. Please come in, Mrs. Simpson.

Dear Sally, in response to your letter of December 12, 1966, me favorite color is blue and me real first name is Richard. Thanks for the snapshot. You're a real cute bird. Love, Ringo. P.S. Forgive the lateness of my reply.

What, dear? Kablamo! You made some money and had the fun of being a wanted criminal. Why not quit now while you're ahead? Boom. I'll be right back.

What the flood? Maude, it's a miracle! The Lord has drowned the wicked and spared the righteous. Isn't that Homer Simpson? Looks like heaven's easier to get into than Arizona State.

And to challenge the irresistible force of Tatum, we have the immovable object. He's been called the Brick Hit House... and is also known as the Southern Dandy, Homer Simpson!

That's great. Even big stars take their kids to the zoo. Well, it's a different zoo containing animals you've never heard of. Daddy, we're missing the Fantastapotamus. She only sings twice a day. That's it! Kids are the answer.

Oh, the usual-- stand in front of this. Open that. Pull down this. Bend over. Spread apart that. Turn your head that way. Cough.

(LAUGHS) I'm the worst thing to happen to sports since Fox.

I'll be back. You can't keep the democrats out of the white house forever... And when they get in, I'm back on the streets... with all my criminal buddies!

Ha. Yeah, that sounds like Red, all right. Well, Son, I guess it's time to go home. Any thoughts on how we're gonna get there? No. But I'm sure the Good Lord will provide. Are you crazy? I'm not driving a trainload of napalm to Springfield!

Who are you? The spirit of Cesar Chavez. Why do you look like Cesar Romero? Because you don't know what Cesar Chavez looks like.

No, thanks. I'm gonna keep on ridin' the rails... swappin' stories for sponge baths. I believe I told three stories. Oh! I'll meet you in Wilmington.

Katie Couric and-- Bingo. All right. Let's make sure he's a leprechaun. Sing us a song of the Emerald Isle. ...big, fat ass! Ah, 'tis like the singing of the angels themselves.

Maybe it's time I wash my hand.

I'm just excited because they're showing an episode of Boy Meets World on this flight.

Hey, kid, wake up. Who are you? I'm Laura, your new neighbor. You all right? She's beautiful. Say something clever. I fell on my bottom. D'oh!

A counterfeit jeans ring operating out of my car hole!

Ned Flanders. I never would have imagined. Oh-- Oh-- Ah-- Oh-- Oof! High as a kite, everybody! Goofballs! Yeah, where's your messiah now, Flanders? Ah.

John Wilkes Booth entered, drew his gun and"-- Well, that's it. Have a nice summer, everyone. But what happened in Ford's Theatre? Was President Lincoln okay? He was fine. Go home, Ralph.

Say your prayers, Simpson. Because the schools can't force you like they should. Maude, these new finger razors make hedge trimming as much fun as sitting through church.

Cleanup in all the aisles.

My name is Sebastian Kobb. Lanley hired me to build his monorail.

Care to join me in a belt of scotch? It's 9:30 in the morning. Yeah, but I haven't slept in days. Last chance.

Now, what is a wedding? Well, Webster's Dictionary describes a wedding as... "the process of removing weeds from one's garden." Tell us more about you and Marge. This is a place of learning, not a house of... hearing about things. Guess he's run out of stories.

Skateboards? You copycat wannabes. Ow! Eat my shorts, young man. Good afternoon and welcome to the Do What You Feel Festival. By the way, this young lady is not my wife, but I am sleeping with her. I'm telling you this because I'm comfortable with my womanizing. Yea! Arr!

How could you do this to someone you love? How could I not? I saw you pouring your heart and soul into this business and getting nowhere. I saw you desperately trying to cram one more salty treat... into America's already-bloated snack hole. So I did what I could. I did what any loving husband would do-- I reached out to some violent mobsters.

Going somewhere? Wha-- Homer! Moe! You killed me! Hey, n-no. No, y-you ain't dead. Y-Y-you're just in jail. Oh, right.

Why, you little-- No one's gonna beat you, Son. You're gonna get such a beating.

Now hold still. Nothing cracks a turtle like Leon Uris. Ow! Dang it! Ow! That sonata may not be a Glenn Gould performance, but I must say it's "good as Gould."

Oh, they got this all screwed up. So you don't work on a contingency basis? No, money down! Oops.

- Yeah, don't worry. You'll get your three rounds. - Stupendous. Because if he goes down before that bell rings, your future's going with him. Okeydoke. Future down the crapper. Gotcha. Due to popular demand, we will forgo our national anthem. And, now, ladies and gentlemen,

Hey, check this out. That's my dad's shootin' car. just three more payments and it's ours.

Smithers, what are you doing up here? What are you doing with his ball? And all those other balls? Uh, there are no other balls. just these, uh, reptile eggs! Oh, step away! They're endangered.

Isn't this that cartoon that causes seizures? Bart, what are you doing? Hey, what the-- Hmm. All right.

(SNORING) Z-Z-Z-Z-Z-Z-Z...

I rest my case. Prosecutor, your witness. You liar! You did it, you lying jerk! Take that! You did it!

Mom, Dad, my spiritual quest is over. Hold that thought. Bacon up that sausage, boy! But, Dad, my heart hurts.

Here you go. A Laffy Meal for you,

(BRAKES SCREECHING) (CLANGING) Hey, kids! I scream, you scream.

Bart, look at the watch! Milhouse, we broke the watch! Do you realize what this means? Yeah, but you say it first. (CLICKING REPEATEDLY) Oh, man. Things are stuck like this forever. Well, I couldn't be happier. I'm the second coolest kid on earth!

The man's talking about waste management. That affects the whole damn planet. Oh, here we go. What do you say we slip out to Moe's for a pint? Can I come? - No. - Wankers.

A thousand dollars! Oh! Oh! My moolah! It's escaping my clutches! (BUZZING) Your kid sucks! Bring it on! ANNOUNCER: Hockey Dads. Commence fighting!

Also, if you're confronted by a mountain lion, try to make yourself look as big as possible. And when you get a chance, bury your friend. Hey, we're still mourning. Let's get a drink.

Yeah, nice to see you. Seymour, why is that student lying unconscious on the floor? Well, in many cases, the floor is the best-- Oh, look! Here comes Lumpy, the school snake. Help! Help! Oh, Lord.

I mean, I did just star in my first movie with Marvin Hagler... and Tova Borgnine-- Yeah!

Well, I'll be in the tub. By the way, congratulations on your new job, Homer. New job? Marge is pregnant?

When Homer sold his soul for a doughnut, he found out that hell isn't all it's cracked up to be... in these never-before-broadcast scenes.

Well, desserts aren't always right. But they're so sweet. Homer, you know how I feel, so it's up to you. Look in your heart. I think you'll see what you want.

- Are we there yet? - No. Are we there yet? No. - Are we there yet? - No. Where are we going? We're going to Storytown Village, Grampa.

(VOCALIZING) (VOCALIZING) Homer, what are you doing? I swallowed a chicken bone. (GAGGING) (SIGHS) Chloe, you've lived so many fascinating places.

I'm sorry, Dad. It's all right. I understand. But we really could have used that $12,000. Um, Dad, 10% of $120 million isn't 12,000. It's-- Code blue. Code blue.

Go to your room!

That brown patch needs a little H2o. Oh, yeah! Hey, Duff Man, let's see how you like a sticker on your face! Yeah! Duff Man... can't breathe. Oh, no! Oh!

We are the fruit That your grandmother loves Yeah... This is offensive to Christians and prunes.

Who is that firebrand, Smithers? That's Homer Simpson, sir. Simpson, eh? New man? Actually, sir, he thwarted your campaign for governor, you ran over his son, he saved the plant from meltdown, and his wife painted you in the nude-- Eh, doesn't ring a bell.

Wah! Wah! Wacka-wacka-wacka! Krusty! Krusty! People, tell me your problems! I'll fix 'em all! The government wants to shut me down... 'cause the pipes under my toilet don't lead nowhere. Elect me, and I promise those pipes will lead to a better tomorrow!

You are never gonna guess what I saw at Martin's party after you guys left! You know that playhouse? Well, I-- Good gravy! Oh, thank you. It's just brown and water.

(MUSIC STOPS) A fake wedding? That's what I call chutzpah! Yeah. I'm gonna scam this town out of so many presents. And what I don't use, I'm gonna return for store credit! Store credit, store credit, store credit (SIGHING) Another employee family wedding.

So, any plans after graduation? Travel. Do you need a traveling companion, perchance? Travel canceled.

Hey, did you hear something? No. Hmm. Did I? I don't know!

- Name three castaways. - Hi-oh! Ooh! Clancy, use the remote. Oh, yeah. Oh! Can we talk about Chief Wiggum?

Oh, yeah? How dumb do you think I-- Oh. Oh, now, Homie, you have your health, you have your best friend back... and you do have that certain special something. You mean-- Mm-hmm.

I found a hive of killer bees. You wanna go throw rocks at it? Sorry. I'm deeply immersed in the Teapot Dome scandal. Huh? - However, it might be feasible in a fortnight. - Wuh? I can play in two weeks. juh?

Why are we stopping at my school, Mother? What does it say on that sign? I don't like your tone! Surprise! Happy anniversary, Son.

Your son has been working in a burlesque house. Principal Skinner saw him with his own eyes. That's true, but I was only in there to get directions on how to get away from there.

Boy, I sure could go for 100 tacos right about now. No.

you're sleeping on the lawn. Will you two shut up? People are trying to sleep!

So long, Stampy.

Ah, Ethnictown,

He's right, you know. About the ox?

What's your name, Bart... ner ? Uh, little partner ? I'm Bart Simpson. Who the hell are you ? I'm jolly Old St. Nick. Oh, yeah ? We'll just see about that. D'oh ! Homer ! I want A word with you in Santa's workshop.

Tom Landry's hat! And it's autographed! "To Berman's Dry Cleaning. Best wishes, Tom Landry." Why don't you buy it? I can't buy that. Only management-type guys with big salaries like me can afford things like that.

Bart, just get out of here. Hey, it's a free country. You get out. That doesn't make sense. I know you are, but what am I? Get out! Get out! Okay! But on my way, I'm gonna be doing this. If you get hit, it's your own fault.

Well, we're still welcome in North Dakota and Arizona. Arizona smells funny.

Mom, I need more O.J. Flintstones chewable morphine. I'll miss Sheriff Lobo. Mom, I need more O.J. Flintstones chewable morphine. I'll miss Sheriff Lobo. O.J. Morphine. Lobo. - O.J. Morphine. - Lobo.

Dr. Laura. Spike Lee. Wait a minute. They're not so great. Okay. But there's Dan Quayle and Courtney Love. Tonya Harding! Al Sharpton! Tom Arnold! What the hell's going on? Wait. Only that ship is going to Mars.

...Scratchy show Hmm. - I want a job. - You've got it. Ooh, ooh. Ow!

Bart, that's so sweet. May I see the card? "I couldn't afford to get you a new drum--" Eww.

Oh, wait. I heard how this ends. Turns out the secret code was the same nursery rhyme he told his daughter. It's pretty obvious if you think about it. Shut up, Homer! No one wants to hear what you think!

But this isn't about show business. This is about some kid down a hole or something. We gotta do what we can.

No, I only learned that four days ago. What were you thinking, sending Bart to such an awful place? I was trying to punish him exactly like you would. So, in a way, you really dropped the ball on this one. This is your mess, and I'll be damned if I'm gonna clean it up.

Hello. Hello, Marge. It's Patty. Selma and I couldn't be more excited about seeing our baby sister For Christmas Eve. Well, Homer and I are looking forward to your visit too.

Yeah, right. That's the oldest excuse in the book. Come on. I'm a decent guy. Why would anybody wanna touch a girl's butt? That's where cooties come from.

Then I got my big break. I was on Steve Allen's Tonight Show. Now, a brilliant jazz musician who's inspired me to do some improv poetry. Twinkle, twinkle, groovy cat. How I wonder where you at. I really love the way you cook. just like me when I wrote this book.

Hello, neighborino to the north. I sure like the cut of your gibberish. (RAPIDLY INTERLOCKING DOODLIES, DIDDLIES) Say, would you like to puff on a reefer-ino? It's legal here. They warned me Satan would be attractive. Let's go!

Trendy guest stars were shamelessly trotted out to grab ratings. If you are looking for trouble, you've found it. Just try me, you-- Oh!

"You can call me Ray, and you can call me jay." Ooh! That thing was funny for about three seconds.

Ninety-seven, 98, 99, 100! (CHEERING)

Now proclaim, "I have the power." I have the power. Oh, say it like you mean it, boy. I... have... the power. I have the power! I see the light. It burns.

And what's gonna become of me on the other side? I don't know! I'll save you, Dad. I can't get any closer. You'll have to jump! Piece of cake, son.

You certainly have a lot of bowling trophies. I like you so much. They're not for bowling, Marge. You're so naive. They are for lovemaking. Really ? Yes.

I can't get a straight answer out of this crazy hemisphere. Eine Minuten! Eine Minuten! Aah! Das wagenfon ist eine nuisance phone! - Buenos noches, mein FÜhrer. - Ja, ja.

Wobble, wobble, wobble... This table's about as solid as your underlying concept. (LAUGHING) (SOBBING) No one does that to my daughter! One more felony assault, Simpson, and you're going down.

Sarge, let's make a break for it while the guards are partying with Jane Fonda. Nope. Too dangerous. We're all gonna sit tight and reminisce about candy bars.

Oh! No! Wait a minute. Bronchial tubes clearing. Asthma disappearing. Acne... remains. But asthma disappearing.

SQUEAKY-VOICED TEEN: I could also deep-fry the bag. Great. And I'll have a Diet Coke deep-fried. Mmm! Mmm! Need more lap. (GULPING)

Ah, young love. The old make-out place.

A tombstone? It came with the burial plot. But that's not important. The important thing is Homer is dead. We've been saving for this since your wedding day. Get out of here, you ghouls! Ayayayaya! Hmm?

Movin' on. J; I need to see Lisa Simpson's permanent record. I'm afraid that information is confidential. These are some nice looking papers on your desk. It would be a shame if somebody shuffled them. You wouldnt dare.

Now let's all share the goodness.

Huzzah! Plea-please, Christians, don't push. Excuse me. Pardon me. Whoop. Coming through. How ya doing? Love that hat, baby. Come on, TV. Give me some of that sweet, sweet pap. Well, let's define our terms, gentlemen.

Hello, chief. Let's talk. Why not? Uh, hello? Why am I Mr. Sparkle?

I mean, elevator.

You are absolutely, positively the dumbest... haunted Love Tester that I have ever met!

He doesn't mean any harm.

So, recycling is our way of giving Mother Earth a big hug. Yes, well, it does sound like fun. I can't wait to start pawing through my garbage like some starving raccoon. Release the hounds. Well, neighbor I see you've got your running shoes on. That's a good thing.

Baby. Baby. Pirate? No, no, wait a minute! - Pirates are wild! - We are pregnant! Oh. Oh, get lost!

Taxes? Isn't this the line for Metallica?

Mmml l don 't mind the taste. Ooh, a new hamburger sandwich. Wow. I cant wait to pack that into my colon. Dude, take it easy on the fatty foods. You’re running out of leg veins to transplant into your heart. I got arm veins, dont I? Yes, sir.

We're too late. He's dead. It looks like someone tried to eat him.

How many times can you laugh at that cat getting hit by the moon? - It's a new episode. - Not exactly. They pieced it together from old shows, and it seems new to the trusting eyes of impressionable youth. Really? Ren and Stimpy do it all the time. Yes, they do, and when was the last time... you heard anyone talk about Ren and Stimpy?

(LAUGHING EVILLY)

Beat it, Simpson. Man, I thought you were cool. Aha ! Wow ! Look at these bowling balls, Maggie.

Homie, I think the baby's coming. Wow. A baby and a free burger. Could this be the best day of my life? Coming up next, an hour-long episode of Mama's Family. Yes!

My purpose in life is to witness this moment. We need the outlet for our rock tumbler. Plug it in! Plug it in! What, the rock tumbler or the TV?

Ooh! Ahh! Uh-oh. Hey! Not bad. Hey! Ah, without the loop, it is a-nothing.

Hello. I'm Dr. Stupid. I'm going to take out your liver bones. Oops. You're dead. I never liked that Dr. Stupid.

It's a beautiful day to kick your ass! You die now!

Mmm ! Stay here, boy.

Uh, Bob Dole doesn't need this.

For many of you, this will mean much less breeding. For me, much, much more.

Stop it! Breathe through your damn mouth!

And the rocket's Red gla-a-a-a-a-a-re

It worked! They're all dead! Well, except for chubsy-ubsy over there. Mmm. Sprinkles! Homer, stop looking! Don't make us poke your eyes out, Dad. Ohh!

War, huh good god, y'all What is it good For abSolutely nothing say it again say it again okay Hey, what happened to the tunes?

Man, this place looks expensive! I feel like I'm wasting a fortune just standing here.

So, what was it like at the Flanders' house? Yeah, give me all the dirt. Let's see. Dirt. Dirt. Well, there wasn't really much dirt. There was a bunch of old paint cans in their garage though. Ol' Painty-can Ned! I always knew he'd keep his old cans of paint!

Ready for that drink, sir? just a second. Let me introduce you to the gang. That's Buzz, that's Honey. And you see that queen? Her name is Smithers. That's very flattering, but we should go.

Higher! Higher! Oh, I'll give you higher, my filthy little urchin.

My "H" has been stolen! Oh! That's how people knoW it's a Honda! What's the point of having a Honda if you can't show it off? Sir, if you'll just stop yelling at me, I'm sure I can find a replacement. Here we-- I'll just-- Hey! Get away from my car! Uh-oh. This way. Uh-oh.

You're very sweet. But no fake prom can make me forget my husband. I'm sorry. Very well, Marge. I see you'll never feel about moi the way I feel about toi. But before the evening ends, may I request... an innocent peck on the cheek?

Now, calm down, Neddilly-diddilly-diddilly- diddilly-diddilly. They did their best. Shodilly-idilly- iddilly-diddilly. Gotta be nice. Hostility- diddilly-diddilly-diddilly-- Aw, hell! Diddily-ding-dong crap! Can't you morons do anything right?

Join the navy Join the navy Join the navy

Why did they cancel Futurama? (SCREAMS)

Did you see this, Bernice? Eh-- Oh, my.

Simple villagers, I promise you.

Say, what's goin' on?

Look at me. I'm Brian Epstein. Now I'm Michael Jackson. I own all your songs, losers. Hee, hee, hee!

Here, I'm writing an article on her for my next Malibu Stacy newsletter. It contains her last known whereabouts. - I'll, uh, print you out a copy. - Thanks. Hello, Smithers. You're quite good... at turning... me on. Um, you probably should ignore that.

but a number of cities have rejuvenated their economies... with, uh, legalized gambling. There is an added bonus. Some of the revenue... can go to help our underfunded public schools. Well, I like the part about the gambling. What do you think, Reverend?

Ice cream truck! Me! Me! I was here first!

You know what that fabulous man just did? He gave the Springfield Zoo two male pandas... and got them to mate successfully. And a stunt like that impresses people? Oh, yeah. And I'm not easily impressed. Wow! A blue car!

Fifty bucks for a toy? No kid is worth that. Oh, but this is the Rex Mars Atomic Discombobulator. Don't you just love the graphics on this box?

Look what he did to my best friend. What? No, my dog.

Uh-- It's a joke! When you give me that look, it's a joke. I'll have some more salad.

see my vest see my vest see my vest like my loafers former gophers it was that or skin my chauffeurs but A greyhound-fur tuxedo would be best

Take that, Mom! Take that, Dad! Send me to a psychiatrist, will you? Take that, Dr. Sally Waxler!

Come back here, you! Slow down! I'll get ya! This is the worst assignment we've ever had. Worse than the time we were attacked by the flesh-eating virus? Ow! He bit me with my own teeth! No. This is much more irritating. I've seen enough, Mulder. Let's go.

(SCREAMS) (BRAKES SCREECHING) What? Can't we sit on the couch without something happening? D'oh!

Tom Arnold! What the hell's going on? Wait. Only that ship is going to Mars. Ours is headed for the sun. Yeah. Ain't that a kick in the teeth? I mean, my shows weren't great, but I never tied people up and forced 'em to watch. And I could've, 'cause I'm a big guy, and I'm good with knots.

But they didn't have the guts. Ohh, the walls are melting again. Personally I think I'm overdone.

I'm in a coffee house listening to poetry. There's a cat on a table and no one seems to care. This is the single greatest day of my life! "Impossible to tell in writing. Basho, he named himself. Banana Tree."

You sunk my battleship. Now, Smithers, you say you painted all your navy buddies this way? Until I was discharged, sir.

You're my best friend. Thanks, Krusty. Buy my cereal. Buy my cereal. I didn't do it ! Oh, I wish I could believe you.

What's the matter with you, soldier ? It's my nerves, sir. I just can't stand the barking anymore. Your nerves ? I won't have cowards in my army. Ow ! Sorry, Bart. You can push them out of a plane, you can march them off a cliff, you can send 'em off to die on some godforsaken rock,

It's A shame what School can do For no reason here's apu those were the days

"Hopping Mad Collection Agency"?

Remember: Lie, cheat, steal and listen to heavy metal music ! Yes, sir ! Dr. Warner, you're wanted in Radiology. He's awake ! Oh, Bart !

Pa, can ya help me with my sums? Oh, Bart, you met Grandma Flanders. Hope she didn't scare ya. Hello, Joe!

And that's the end of that Or is it I guess I'll keep singing My cell phone appears to be ringing Hey! Barney, did you ever notice how hard it is to drive with your knees? Why don't you get one of those hands-free phones? It's the next best thing to paying attention to the road. Hands-free, eh?

Not my extendo-glove! Oh, they haven't made those since the war. Not-- Oh, not my Paris backdrop! How am I gonna make fun of the Frogs? Wait. If I could only stay on the air, I'd have 100% of the audience.

Jane Seymour as the woman he loved... and tv's doogie howser, Neil Patrick Harris, as Bart Simpson. Bart, I'm scared. Let's get outta here. Shut up. Where do you want it, Skinner? Not smart. Cool! Hey, When do we get the check for this?

I don't know about this dog. He's kinda snooty. Homer, are you wearing a tie to impress Laddie? Do you think he noticed? Where's Santa's Little Helper? Who?

Big deal! When I was a pup, we got spanked by presidents till the cows came home. Grover Cleveland spanked me on two nonconsecutive occasions!

of the-e-e-e-e-e-e Bra-a-a-a-a-a-ve

Oh, it's hopeless. Utterly, utterly hopeless. Oh, I see. When it's one of my schemes, you can't foil it fast enough. But when Cecil tries to kill you, "It's hopeless. Utterly, utterly hopeless." Well, if you kids aren't going to foil him, I'll have to do it myself.

Black power! Black power! Was that Al Roker? His exuberance is perplexing. Of course we have headsets, but you would be mad to stop there.

What do you like about him? He's just a good-lookin' rebel who plays by his own rules.

The Moody Blues! Cold-hearted Homer, ditching his wife, while ancient Ned runs for his life. Chips of red and blue and white, but we decide which-- Can the poems. It's ass-whooping time. I want fatty.

I have a favor to ask. Please shut this place down and move away from Springfield. Oh, honey, you can't be serious. Springfield doesn't want places like this. I think I know what Springfield wants, sugar. Oh? I've lived in this town for 37 years. I've lived here 52 years. I'm third generation. Sixth.

Now they'll never save your brain, Hitler. Little help?

Ever heard of a little thing called the Internet? Internet, eh? Oh, yeah. Everybody's making money off the Internet except us.

Pucker up, Ned.

Greasy joe's Bottomless Bar-B-Q Pit. Hmm. Homer, remember you promised you'd try to limit pork to six servings a week ? Marge, I'm only human ! Now, look. Here's what we're gonna do: We'll unload the kids on Patty and Selma Saturday night, and then we'll eat until they kick us out of the place, just like old times !

No one wants me around anymore.

Are you gonna buy those toads orjust lick 'em? Lick 'em. Go away. Ah. Thanks for the donation, Mr. Simpson. Do you feel okay?

Ow! Ooh! Oh! What a shameful display by these tiny hotheads. Let's try to remember the good little people, like james Madison or Oscar winner Linda Hunt. I-- What's going on?

"You can call me Ray, and you can call me jay." Ooh! That thing was funny for about three seconds. The important thing is, we're like a family. Krusty, I-- Shut your hole!

Say, is that our house?

And I was partying with Newt Gingrich, Janeane Garofalo and Scottie Pippen. Everyone loved my corporation. And then, the bubble burst. Wait! Don't go! My stock will have a slight rebound in 2003. I had nothing.

Old man river That old man river He just keeps rolling

On Nelson Muntz. Way to drink, Poindexter!

(GASPS AND SCREAMS) Blood is raining from the sky!

Like we do Man, that guy's guitar is talkin'! Hey, my shoes are talkin' too! Don't worry. We won't hurt you. We only want to have some fun.

Did I sound like a real Kwik-E-Mart, you know, kinda guy? Actually, I thought it was a little labored. Oh. You gotta lose yourself in the moment, man. Yeah. Like-- Yeah! Okay. Great. Okay. Let-Let's just try that again. Okay? Come on. Hey. Come on. Hey-ey-ey! Hey, get over here! Okay. Now, you're you, I'm me.

Sacre bleu! The deadly poke of zorro! What? "N"? What does "N" stand for? No, no. It's a "Z." I am Zorro. "Z" for Zorro.

Yes, sir. I will notice that. Very casual, Mr. Scorpion.

The way people act around here, you'd think the streets were paved with gold. They are.

Everyone outside of this room is against me! I can hear you walking by-- It stinks! It stinks! It stinks! Yes, Mr. Sherman. Everything stinks.

SeÑor plow no es macho eS solamente un borracho Yeah, you do that.

Kids, would you step outside for a second? F-- Dear Lord! That's the loudest profanity I've ever heard.

Hey, where's Dad? Rise and shine, everybody.

I don't wanna pay four bucks to watch some monkey wannabe laying in the sun! But, Dad, lemurs are nocturnal. Don't worry, honey. Daddy will fix that broken animal. No! I'm not gonna hurt him. I'm just gonna wake him up.

Tonight on Wings-- Ah, who cares?

But it's the last day of the Isis exhibit! Well, you should've thought of that before I glued all this stuff to my face. Na! Y'ello? Dad? Who is this?

What the-- Zeppelin rules!

Dad pushed a waitress, and Mom lost $20,000. You're not gonna believe it, Lise. This cool Indian guy showed me our future. Really? Anything good? I'll say. I've got my own band and a moped. What about me? Eh, some government job.

Not so fast. Okay. Maybe you should just stop entirely.

Yes. Well. Homer, organized labor has been called a lumbering dinosaur. My director is telling me not to talk to you anymore. Whoo-hoo! Mr. Burns, you mentioned you wanted an opening tirade. Yes, thank you, Kent. Fifteen minutes from now, I will wreak a terrible vengeance on this city!

Hmm. Am I wrong, or did it just get fatter in here?

Here you go. Thank you, Dad. Hey, any friend of Marge is a friend of mine.

Hey, Mrs. K.! Oh, Arthur!

Itchy and Scratchy seem to have lost their edge. Oh, I think it conveys a very nice message of sharing. I think it sucks.

Oh, stop talking crazy.

Have you found a picture yet? Not one that I want the public to see. Mmm. Oh. Mmm. Oh, dear. So, recycling is our way of giving Mother Earth a big hug. Yes, well, it does sound like fun.

It seems he wants to ban culottes in the schools. Pardon my French, but sometimes that man's a goofy-doofy. Marge thinks Flanders is annoying. This marriage just got interesting.

Somebody's gonna get parasites.

Yes. I should be-- Good Lord! What is happening in there? Aurora borealis.

As free AS the Wind blows As free As the grass grows Bart, I'm very impressed at the independent learning you've displayed here. - Thanks, Seymour. - Ye-- Yes. Um, anyway, as a reward for your studying, I've decided to welcome you back to our school.

Well, thankily-dank, Mayor. I shan't disappoint. "Har" ye. "Har" ye. I declare myself pickled tink... about Springfield's bicen-citally, ti-tin-toodily, rin-tin-tennial day!

Yeah, pretty much, except we drove around in a van solving mysteries. Well, I pictured cocktail parties and candlelit dinners. I pictured napkins.

Oh, no. Everything's ruined. Our good bellows. Our stereopticon. Squiggy! Homer! Your strop. Your strop! Our lives are ruined.

Observe. A bike lock. Now just turn around and count to three.

So you don't work on a contingency basis? No, money down! Oops. I shouldn't have this Bar Association logo here either.

Hmm. I'm so funny. Fight and bite and bite Fight, fight, fight Bite, bite, bite You know, some of these stories are pretty good. The itchy & Scratchy Show I never knew mice lived such interesting lives.

Hmm. Probably better that didn't hit me. Yes? Hello. May I help you?

Nothing at all. Let's just eat. Ah, close enough.

- Oh, no! Pirates! - Pirates! Ahoy, mateys! It's me-- Long Bart Silver. And I'm gonna rip you a new I.V. hole. Bart, what are you doing? I'm just trying to liven things up around here. These people need to ride motorcycles and play rockin' electric guitars, like the old people on TV. Excuse me. But when those pirates boarded,

That's how it is though. One day your wife is making you your favorite meal, the next day, you're thawing a hot dog in a gas station sink. Oh, that's tough, pal. But it's never gonna happen to me. Well, how do you know? What makes you guys so special?

(GASPING) This was supposed to be about trust! (SOBBING) I just want to get on that boat and go home! Well, you don't need a boat because you can walk. (WAILING) Yeah. What do those women expect? When you sign a contract with Fox, you know you're gonna be betrayed and humiliated.

- Some Indians took all the- - f Homer's Voice] McNuggets. Mmm, McNuggets. f Sia vering f i ii get those no-good indians. .. - fast as sure as my favorite book is- - f Homer's Voice] Magazines. f Homer Snoring f - f Bats Voice] Wake up, Dad. - [Homer's Voice f Huh? What?

Hey, Dad, can I use the transporter sometime? Please, I swear I'll be careful. Sorry, but this is a highly sophisti-ma-cated doo-wacky. If you don't use it responsibly, kablammo! Ow! Someone just punched me in the face! It was your mother!

Eat my shorts. All right, I'll eat-- Eat your shorts? Yeah, eat my shorts. ButtmaN na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na buttman Buttman?

Hello ! What's this ? From Springfield, U.S.A. ? Gear !

This is the most thoughtful thing anybody ever-- Sweet merciful crap! My car!

Okay. I'll be back in an hour. I'll take him. Do you have him in blond?

just ask this scientician. Uh-- He'll tell you that in nature one creature invariably eats another to survive.

And so, Herschel Krustofski... is gone, but not forgotten.

Why, that's my husband ! His name isn't Bigfoot. His name is Homer.

Adding a new character is often a desperate attempt to boost low ratings.

Milhouse! What? Tell Bart to come home! I think he's at Nelson's! Who's Nelson?

If that's what they cut out, what they leave in... must be pure gold! Let's watch some more of those fabulous Simpsons outtakes. Apu living with the Simpsons? It happened. And here's a scene you didn't see. I'm hoping you enjoy this movie.

Okay. But promise you won't be grouchy. Come on, Willie. I know you're out there.

That's not a job. It's a waste of time. What can poor people pay you? Nothin'! What satisfaction do you get from helping them? None! Who wants to help poor people anyway? Nobody!

"He will not see me stopping here... to watch his woods fill up with snow." Hey, Frosty, you want some snow, man? We discussed this, and I said no.

Whoo-hoo! I'm a college man! I won't need my high school diploma anymore! I am so smart I am so smart I am so smart I am so smart S-M-R-T I mean, S-M-A-R-R-T

You sure look stupid in that green dress, Lise. That's funny. I don't feel stupid.

I said full power.

Well, it's been two long trips, but we're finally almost there again. When you locked the front door, - did you remember to lock the back door? - D'oh! D'oh! Oh, no! We left Grampa back at the gas station.

Well, if you open up one of these here packages and find a golden ticket, you get a tour of Farmer Billy's bacon factory. (COMMERCIAL ANNOUNCER READING) FARMER BILLY: You'll see the hoof grinder, the marrow sluice, and of course, the five-story pig shredder blessed by three popes.

- Ap-cray. - Ap-cray.

What kind of warped human being would find that funny ?

(MOANS) He was my best friend.

And the nominees are... Ned Flanders, Principal Seymour Skinner... and Mother Teresa Junior. And the winner is... Principal Skinner!

Your kid flew five feet. That counts as a ride. Two bucks. That was never five feet.

Those dolphins seem bent on mayhem. We've gotta warn Grampa! Hmm. Phone's off the hook. Everything must be okay.

He's causing us all to yell!

Well, Dean, I'm really sorry for the running-you-over prank. Prank? And all those other pranks were my idea too. I'm the one who should be expelled. Well, I'm touched by your honesty. And who knows-- Perhaps I've been a bit of an ogre myself. - Yes, you have. - How's this? I'll readmit your friends,

Soon I'll be queen of summertime. Oh. King. King!

Man, this is crazy. I hope I didn't brain my damage. I better check my pupils.

Well, I dont need safety gloves because I'm Homer Simp- Oh, yeah. How is old Grimey? He's dead! Like you should be.

Whoo! I wanna be john Elway. Elway takes the snap and runs it in for a touchdown! Thanks to Elway's patented last-second magic, the final score of Super Bowl xxx-- Denver, 7. San Francisco, 56.

D'oh! Ow! - Ow! - Look out! Oh, no. I'm gonna go off the end of the--

and I accidentally proved there's no God. We'll just see about tha-- Uh-oh. Well, maybe he made a mista-- No. It's airtight. Can't let this little doozy get out.

Whoa! Sign's floating away, Chief. Executive, legislative and, uh, judicial.

Behold gravity in all its glory! Pretty lame, Milhouse.

All right! You guys are my new best friends. You wish, loser! (GRUNTS) (CLANKING) (HOMER LAUGHING)

Workin' 9 to 5 what A way to make A livin' ...and when ye tallow hardens, we remove it from yon mold. What a crappy candle. You've ruined our vacation.

Oy. What are you doing here? Our planet has been observing your puny species... since your planet was created... 5,000 years ago by God.

I admit it. I did screw up.

Oh, wait a minute. The bees are leaving. No! My sugar is melting! Melting! Oh, what a world! Oh, sugar.

"Me so sorry. Ah, so." What's he gonna do next, the flapping dickey? Uh-oh, I'm losin' 'em. Time for the "A" material. Hey, hey!

I don't remember the air in the kitchen being so wavy.

I can see I'm gonna love working with you. Well, gotta go. I wanna sneak in a quick nap before lunch.

Ling, you're gonna be very happy in America. Unlike everyone else there. (GIGGLING) Selma Bouvier, this man is not your husband. And for that, no adoption! Mama!

- Maybe I should just move back to Alabama. - No.

The truth must be told.

Oh. Sorry. I'm a little nervous.

(TIRES SCREECHING) (ALL GRUNTING)

Thank you for coming. I'll see you in hell.

Two plus two is four. I can see why this is so popular. Look at him. - Two plus two is four. - Two-- Give me my bear, Simpson!

Hi, little fella. I got some nice juicy flies for you. Geez, Louise. Look at this mess. I told that boy a billion times to pick up his jun--

It was as much my fault as it was yours. Okay, Apu! I accept your apology.

People of Springfield, Whacking Day is a sham. It was started in 1924 as an excuse to beat up the Irish.

The economic slump began last spring, when the government closed Fort Springfield, devastating the city's liquor and prostitution industries.

Guards, remove this coked-out man-balloon from my sight! But he misread my pee! He misread my pee! (CRYING) (TREES CRACKING) We're not overfeeding her. We've been giving her this low-fat cat food!

They called me old-fashioned for teaching "duck and cover" but who's laughing now?

by outracing his zeppelin. 1968, Mexico City. Bob Beamon shatters the world long jump record. Ow!

Step one: steal all the doormats in town. Hit the road, "Welcome Home"! Adios, "Casa de Flanders"! See ya in hell, "God Bless This House." So long, "The Simpsons"! D'oh!

Go play with Milhouse. I don't want to. You haven't made up? His mom says I'm a bad influence. Let's go throw rocks at that hornets' nest. Mrs. Van Houten, I'm Bart's mother. We met when the boys drank paint.

Today’s students would rather watch Ozzy Osbourne. "Look at me. I'm a drug addict. Ho, ho, ho." Some of us still enjoy scripted comedy, sir. That's a good girl.

F.B.I., huh? Uh, excuse me. All right, they're on to us! Get him back to Sea World! So I says, blue M&M, red M&M-- they all wind up the same color in the end. Homer, why don't you show us where you went when you left the bar?

Coming through. Challenge. Duel. Hi, Lenny. How dare you? Demand satisfaction. "Suh," your challenge is accepted. Huh? I agree to the duel, "suh." I choose pistols at dawn. Pistols at dawn? Oh, why did I have to slap a guy who says "suh"? You'll need a will and a headstone. Aisle six.

Now, courtesy of an anonymous donor, please welcome our new panda, Sim Sim.

Oh, my goodness! My husband will be so excited! You... have a husband? Yes. I can picture him now-- rugged good looks, sweater knotted about his shoulders, curly locks shining in the sun like spun gold!

You don't want him to get a lobotomy, do you? Hmm... lobotomy. That's all right, son. There's probably a downside I don't see.

I asked my mother What will I be Will I be pretty Will I be rich Here's what she said to me

Everyone needs to drive a vehicle-- even the very tall. This was the largest auto that I could afford. Should I therefore be made the subject of fun? I guess so. Wh-- He-- Would you like it if I laughed at your misfortune?

J Oh, yeah, the credits go on J J Long after the viewer's J J interest is gone J J Oh, yeah, Weird A/ had fan on this showJ J Even if it was just a brief cameo JJ

That's the spirit. Never give up. Well, I guess you're pretty impressed, huh, Bart? My dad got Krusty the Clown to personally appear at my party. Mmm, I got a feeling I could get him to appear at my house. Oh, I don't know, Bart. My dad's a pretty big wheel down at the cracker factory.

Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer Had a very shiny nose And if you ever saw it You would even say it glows Like a light bulb ! Bart ! All of the other reindeer Used to laugh and call him names Like Shnozzola ! Lisa !

We're still not sure how he caused the meltdown. There wasn't any nuclear material in the truck! Very well. It's time for your bribe. Now, you can either have the washer and dryer where the lovely Smithers is standing, or you can trade it all in for what's in this box. The box. The box!

You mean, like a date? Well, I don't know. Oh, what was I thinking? A beautiful girl like you and a gargoyle like me. I-i'm sorry. Hold on. Hold on. I didn't say "no" exactly. Really? Hot damn! All right, don't eat nothin' for the next three days, 'cause I'm taking you out for a steak the size of a toilet seat.

Hello, Dondelinger. Simpson. Is that a plunger stuck on your head? D'oh!

Oh, Bart, that's so sweet.

Marge dear, would you kindly pass me a doughnut? Doughnut? What's a doughnut?

Is it just me, or are you guys getting sick of crazy adventures?

Maybe I'm amazed at the way you love Me all the time or maybe I'm afraid of the way i love you maybe I'm amazed at the way you pulled me out of time

Krusty wants out! No. The world needs laughter. Are we gonna die, son? Yeah.

I want to tack on a rider to that bill. Thirty million dollars of taxpayer money to support the perverted arts. All in favor of the amended Springfield/"Prevert" bill? Bill defeated. I've said it before and I'll say it again, democracy simply doesn't work.

But, Constance, it only happened because-- Hey, hey! If I want a cock-and-bull story, I'll read Hemingway. Don't be mad at Homer. I was the one who cut the rope. Are you threatening me with that knife? No! Wait! I'm to blame, Judge. You see, I was pressuring my wife to make love in front of our son.

and star of a Disney Channel movie.

Andy Williams! We don't need to stop here. Yes, we do!

Hey! Look what I snagged, Marge. The candy bride and groom from the wedding cake. Mmm. Pointy. It was a beautiful wedding. I've never seen Selma happier.

Wait a minute. They're not so great. Okay. But there's Dan Quayle and Courtney Love. Tonya Harding! Al Sharpton! Tom Arnold! What the hell's going on? Wait. Only that ship is going to Mars. Ours is headed for the sun. Yeah. Ain't that a kick in the teeth?

I wish I was home with a big bag of potato chips. Mmm... potato chips.

And one of the campers was eaten by a bear. Oh, my God! Well, actually, the bear just ate his hat. Was it a nice hat? - Oh, yeah. - Oh, my God!

I can hear you walking by-- It stinks! It stinks! It stinks! Yes, Mr. Sherman. Everything stinks.

Mine is about a futuristic amusement park... where dinosaurs are brought to life through advanced cloning techniques. I call it Billy and the Clone-osaurus. Oh, you have got to be kidding, sir.

There's nothing to worry about. Now everyone, go to sleep. Good night. Di-da.

The king of splatter, Tom Savini! Good evening.

Let's see. I've been to Afghanistan, Serbia, Lebanon... (LOUD ERUPTION) Okay, okay, I lied! I shoot wedding videos in Dallas, Fort Worth... Okay, okay, just Fort Worth! Ah! Hello, UN Women's Conference!

Hey, doughnuts ! Bart, there's one left, and it's mine. Oh ! Aw, Homer ! Aw, Dad !

Never! It was a gift from Newsweek! Homer! Give me back my wife! Okay. Okay. You win.

Baby, baby, baby, baby-

That's according to a national survey ranking Springfield... as the least popular city in America. In science-- dead last. I'm telling you people. The Earth revolves around the Sun! Burn him! What a story! You've stolen my soul!

That was a nice film I had once. Last time I try to impress a four-year-old. Well, see ya, kid.

What were their names? Dennis, Brianna, Mavis, Brad--

Ha, ha! In your face, Number Six! Yes. Well done. Who are all these oddballs? Well, they keep us here because we know too much. Number 27 there knows how to turn water into gasoline. Number 12 knows the deadly secret behind Tic Tacs. And I invented the bottomless peanut bag. Wow!

Here comes something. Remember the story. We're newlyweds on our way to Earth capital. Oh, shazbatt!

For the love of God, sir! There are two seats! I like to put my feet up.

Got your nose. Got your wallet. No! Bart, don't you ever do that again. Understand? Beep.

Ohh! Oh! Whoa! What are you doing? I can't help it. It's the shoes. Nobody upstages Little Vicki.

Shh! Moochie-moochie!

ts a dangerous life being a hall monitor. When you leave home in the morning... you may be kissing your dolls good-bye for the last time. My sash says "Ultraman." I think weve seen enough.

Marge, I'm confused. Is this a happy ending or a sad ending? It's an ending. That's enough.

The mother abandoned her nest.

"Suh," your challenge is accepted. Huh? I agree to the duel, "suh." I choose pistols at dawn. Pistols at dawn? Oh, why did I have to slap a guy who says "suh"? You'll need a will and a headstone. Aisle six. Aisle six?

Come on, come on. Let's go. In the red trunks, with a record of 48 wins and no losses, the undisputed champ of this house, Battling Bart Simpson !

Ruff, ruff. I'm Poochie, the rockin' dog. Now, that's just bad. You got no attitude, you're barely outrageous, and I don't know what you're in, but it's not my face. Next. Oh, no attitude, eh? Not in your face, huh? Well, you can cram it with walnuts, ugly!

Things like the following half hour. Nothing seems to bother my kids. But tonight's show, which I totally wash my hands of, is really scary. If you have sensitive children, maybe you should tuck them into bed early tonight... instead of writing us angry letters tomorrow. Thanks for your attention.

And I sees this real strange bloke. Uh-huh. Out of sorts. Mad in the eyes. All kettles and biscuits. Right. Well, he seen I was looking at him... Mmm-hmm. ...and he drops this and runs. Cor, blimey, skip to me loo. Good Lord! I'm afraid this case is beyond even your powers, little girl. I'll take that challenge, Inspector.

You won a Grammy. I mean an award that's worth winning!

I can't see me lovin' nobody but you For all my life

The snow's melted. We can go outside again. I don't like the looks of those teenagers.

Freeze! F.B.I. The jig is up. All right, I admit it. I am the Lindbergh baby. Waah! Waah! Goo, goo. I miss my fly-fly dada. Are you trying to stall us, or are you just senile? A little from column "A," a little from column "B."

Why do birds Ugh. GrOSS. Suddenly-- Ahh ! Some people call me a space cowboy - Yeah - Yeah Some call me the gangster of love Some people call me Maurice

Today’s book is Bridget Jones's Diary. Now let's go around the room... and analyze why we didnt read it. Cramps. All my friends are dead. Well, then, I guess it's time for margaritas. Well, I wish someone had read the book... since I did invite the author, Helen Fielding.

I sentence you to death!

I know I really shouldn't, but when am I gonna be here again? Whee!

I can't stand to see him like this!

Shh! Save me, jebus!

All for Silas. All for Silas.

What the hell is that? It looks like a sturgeon. But where did it come from?

Don't eat me. I have a wife and kids. Eat them! Silence! We are travelers from a certain nearby ringed planet...

What's that? That is the rarest gummi of them all. The gummi Venus de Milo, carved by gummi artisans... who work exclusively in the medium of gummi.

(GROANS) This potion will give me new life. (GRUNTS) I'm alive! I'm gonna go to America!

Sixty minutes? Oh, my God! Mr. Burns has been in the tub for an hour!

Here's that champagne you ordered, Mr. Simpson. Oh, thanks. Here. Wow! An award statue! Oh, it's a Grammy. Hey, don't throw your garbage down here!

Attention: Some crazy creeps on an island somewhere are secretly running the world. Hey! Sorry, old chap, but you're proving quite the caterpillar in our buttermilk. Huh? We're shutting you down. Not a chance. No one can silence me but me!

They may say she died of a burst ventricle, but I know she died of a broken heart. I can tell she really cared for me. She didn't make me a pallbearer.

Yes. Four onion rings ! Mmm. Delicioso !

The Moody Blues! Cold-hearted Homer, ditching his wife, while ancient Ned runs for his life. Chips of red and blue and white, but we decide which-- Can the poems. It's ass-whooping time. I want fatty.

My only friend the end Weird scenes inside the gold mine

That's preposterous. Now get out.

Geez! Dad and I, we started out great, but now it's falling apart, like a Chinese motorcycle. It's so unfair. You're everything a dad could hope for. Yeah. I tell ya, I don't get no regard. No regard at all. No esteem either.

But tonight I say we must move forward, not backward, upward, not forward... and always twirling, twirling, twirling towards freedom!

Back, you robot. Nobody ruins my family vacation but me... and maybe the boy.

Take it easy, Marge. How about if we dope you up real good? Let me off! Let me off! Let me off! Let me off! Let me off! Let me off! Let me off! Let me off! Let me off! Let me off!

Bart, go ahead. (QUIMBY-LIKE) Mayor Quimby is my, er, father. Give me $1 million. Huh? Huh? (SIGHS) (CHANTING) Diamond Joe's gotta go. Diamond Joe's gotta go. Mr. Mayor, will you answer one question? Only if it's submitted in writing.

Time to put this ordeal behind me. Homer mad! Aah! Aah!

Who left the lights on? Who's in here? Cletus? Cousin Merl?

Whew. Superintendent, I hope you're ready for mouthwatering hamburgers. I thought we were having steamed clams. D'oh, no. I said steamed hams. That's what I call hamburgers.

Lucky for you, this stuff doesn't work.

I don't really have a family. All I had was a little brother who grew up to become a doctor. He used to laugh at the most inappropriate times. Hey, I've got an older brother that I'll never see. He's a jazz musician, or some such. Oh, well. Bye-bye. It must be awful to be all alone in the world.

Hey! Attention. While you've been showering here, I sold all your clothes. (ALL GROAN) Again? I've run out of pie-related puns! (ALL LAUGHING)

Come join us, Lisa. It's so cool. You get to stay up all night drinking blood. And if you say you're a vampire, you get a free small soda at the movies. No! No! Lisa, it's not like you have a choice here.

Oh, I got one! How do you make a King Lear? Put the queen in a bikini! Here's another one. "Knock knock." "Who's there?" "juliet." "juliet who?" Juliet so much pasta fazool, Romeo doesn't want her anymore!

I thought we fooled them with our Cher-crow. J Gypsies, tramps and thievesJ J We'd hear it from the people JJ Are you aware that your daughter's gay? - Boy, those guys are such leeches. - Moe, what are you doing here? Cant your old buddy Moe stop by with a list of questions from the Weekly World News?

Hmm. Bowls of porridge. Oh, this seems somehow familiar. Let's see. Hmm. Oh! Whoa! Too hot. Mmm, hmm. Oh. Too cold. Well, this doesn't take a genius. Mmm.

Um, Dasher. Dancer. Mm-hmm. Prancer. Mm-hmm. Nixon. Comet and... Cupid. Donna Dixon ? Sit down, Simpson.

You bunch of ungrateful ingrates! YOu-- Aw, Homer, what am I gonna do? Renee's my last chance for true love. If you really need money, you could sell a kidney or maybe even your car. Nah, my car ain't worth nothin'. But it is insured for five grand.

I think youll be pleasantly surprised.

to a nuclear convention in Capital City together. TV's there, bathroom's there, and there's your king-size bed for--

Excellent. Next. Exc-ell-ent. Next. Exactly. D'oh! - Next! - ¡Excellente! Es muy bueno. Oh, it's hopeless. I'll have to play myself.

no feeling Ahh! No feeling jolly sodding X-mas, Major. For anybody else Choke on it! Oh, crikey! You gave me a smash on the noggin last year.

Commander Kang, receiving transmission from Infant Pod 13. Holy flirking shnit. What's the message?

(BOTH LAUGHING) Oh, stop it, Seinfeld.

- I'll get some hot dogs. - No foot-longs. I know. They make you uncomfortable.

He hit her again!

Children, teachers, back to your rooms. Uh-oh. Whenever I get this upset, I get hiccups. Oh, right on cue.

Oh, no, they're headed for land. - We'll never catch 'em now. - Incorrect. Look, a canal. Go, Knightboat, go! Oh, every week there's a canal. - Or an inlet. - Or a fjord. Quiet! I will not hear another word against the boat.

That's all right, Bart. I love Saint Sebastian's. It's run by a group of French Canadian nuns. They're very nice except they never let me out. Samantha, ne pas des boys.

b-i-n-g-o B-i-n-g-o B-i-n-g-o and bingo was his name-o

Now, why do they call this a urine monkey? Uh-- Ohh. I just found out.

Oop. Is your name Bart? Mm-hmm. What the--

If there's a better use for the Internet, I haven't found it. If you've committed a crime and you want to confess, click "yes." Otherwise click "No."

Hey, tough luck, pal. You can't fight the souvenir industry. We're too powerful. Yeah, you're right. But before I go, I'm gonna give you a little souvenir of my own! Oh, what the hey.

Don't you realize what's happening, Bart? Your comet is gonna collide with the earth and every living thing in its path will be killed! I knew you'd try to find something wrong with my comet, Lisa. You've always been petty and small right from the beginning. We must alert the proper authorities. To the observatory!

Oh, ain't that cute? Hey! Where in God's name did you learn that kind of... dancing? Whoa. Ooh. Oh, yeah.

Clownface, what in the name of Huntley and Brinkley do you plan to do to us? I'm just gonna take you for... a spin! Hoo! Hah! Heel Show our guests to the twirly gates!

You know, I heard Skinner say the teachers will crack any minute. Skinner said the teachers will crack any minute purple monkey dishwasher. Well, we'll show him, especially for that purple monkey dishwasher remark.

On the good ship lollipop it's A sweet trip to A candy shop where bonbons-- I'm dreading the reviews. I can tell you that. Oh, hi, Homie.

Homer! Relax. He's gorging. Okay, maybe not. We gotta save him! Usurper! Usurper! Usurper!

I'm so hungry I could eat at Arby's. Oh, my gosh! Oh, wow! She really is hungry. She's really hungry. It's the monster! No, it's not. It's my tummy. I mean stomach. Gut. Crap factory. Wait a minute.

(IN EXAGGERATED SWEDISH ACCENT)

Top of the mornin' to ye on this gray, drizzly afternoon. Kent O'Brockman live on Main Street where today... everyone is a little bit Irish... except, of course, for the gays and the Italians. All right, then. Move along.

Come on, Lenny. I need four more guys to fill my Super Bowl bus. - What do you say? - Nah. Come on! Nah. Come on! Nah. Oh, come on! Ah-- Yes! Now that Lenny's in, Carl will fall like a domino.

says that you're not experienced enough to be mayor. Sir, what do you have to say about that? I'd say that Les Wynan... ought to do more thinkin' and less whinin'. There's no Councilman Les Wynan. Good line though.

(RAP MUSIC PLAYING) A-blowin' reveille He's the boogie woogie bugle boy of Company B

It's brilliant. Savagely honest, tender. He has the soul of a poet. You're very kind. Excuse me. Did something crawl down your throat and die? It didn't die. My name is Barney, and I'm an alcoholic.

Did you see the bubble? Yeah, I'm afraid the whole west side of your house is sinking.

where you help Yogi Bear get to the Washington Monument.

Oh, a sarcasm detector. That's a real useful invention. Marge. Oh, Marge. I've got something for you. Oh, Homie. Houston, we have a problem. A sexy problem.

All in favor of a strike? Aye! All opposed? Nay. Who keeps saying that? It was him. Let's get him, fellas.

Yes. Are you quick to anger?

I've been waiting all my life for this moment.

I-- I'm allergic to bee stings. They cause me to, uh, die. But we're running out of forward momentum. Uh, perhaps you could pedal for just a little while, sir. Quite impossible. I can try to bat him off if you like. Uh, really, that's o--

And the fluffy kitten played with that ball of string all through the night. On a lighter note, a Kwik-E-Mart clerk was brutally murdered last night.

Hello. I'm retired heavyweight boxer Gerry Cooney.

God bless you. You are one of Springfield's very special creatures. Your obedient servant, Carl.

Seamless, huh? You're fired.

Next to you, perfection is crap!

I am the god Ganesh! This wedding angers me! All will die unless it is stopped. Oh, God. Please! Listen to me! Stop chasing Ganesh!

Ja. Thank you. Ja. That's nice. Let's say hello to my music guy, Scoey. That is some outfit, Scoey. It makes you look like a homosexual. Oh.

The TV! Stop screaming, Homer. Quit trying to control me.

Thirsting for a way to name the unnameable, to express the inexpressible. Tell me more. Keep cool, Simpson. Be in the game but not of the game.

There aren't any dangerous animals... in the forest, are there, Dad ? Might be a few, but don't worry. If you leave them alone, they'll leave you alone. It's a deal. And remember not to act afraid. Animals can smell fear, and they don't like it.

Uh-oh. Ha! Wha--

I'll be right there. All right, people, we've got an escaped octopus on the roof of Springfield Elementary. Let's roll! Two cameras! Let's go! Come on! Come on! So, once again, I've been had. But an even more interesting story has developed high atop this two-story school. A love story.

Smithers, coffee.

Boilin'-hot, Texas-style ginger ale! Texas!

It's The Sou-ou-oul Mass Transit System. Give it to me. El yoyÓ es grande. ¡Ay, chihuahua! As you can see, Simpson, I have taken over all 78 channels, and you won't see any of your favorite shows again until you give in!

No, Dad. Everyone's sick of that memory.

Of course we could make things more challenging, Lisa, but then the stupider students would be in here complaining, furrowing their brows in a vain attempt to understand the situation.

Forty-five bucks? This better be the best-tastin' beer in the world. You got lucky. You see, boy? The real money's in bootlegging,

Yes. This is where I come when I need some refuge from the modern world... or when I want to see drive-in movies for free.

Even more harrowing were the events of one April afternoon. The script originally called for me to jump the gorge. But I'd been up all night paying people to kiss, so Dad volunteered to do the stunt. Everything was going great at first. I felt like I was king of the world.

And so on. Mojo. What have they done to you? Pray for Mojo.

You know, I can't believe we're talking about the same movie. Oh, no. I thought McBain was a nonstop roller coaster... of chills, thrills, spills and kills. And that chase at the end, my friend ? Mwah ! Are you nuts ? That movie stinks like your creepy one-bedroom apartment. Your mother didn't think it was so creepy. "My mother." Real mature.

he crossed that line between everyday villainy and cartoonish super-villainy. Bah! He was a rank amateur... compared to Dr. Colossus. Ow! Oh! When is my lawyer coming?

Homer. Homer, I think I heard a noise. Knock it off.

How many roads must A man walk down before you can call him A man Seven! No, Dad. It's a rhetorical question. Rhetorical, eh? Eight! Dad, do you even know what "rhetorical" means? Do I know what rhetorical means?

So lazy and surly. Mind if I relax next to ya?

Now, where were we? Oh, yeah! The important thing was that I had an onion on my belt, which was the style at the time. They didn't have white onions because of the war. The only thing you could get was those big yellow ones.

Smithers, you infernal ninny. Stick your left hoof on that flange now! Now, if you can get it through your bug-addled brain, jam that second mephitic clodhopper of yours on the right doodad. Now pump those scrawny chicken legs, you stuporous funker!

Dad, I think he's an ivory dealer. His boots are ivory. His hat is ivory. And I'm pretty sure that check is ivory. Lisa, a guy who has lots of ivory is less likely to hurt Stampy... than a guy whose ivory supplies are low.

Ahh, the Simpsons

Yummy, yummy, yummy I got love iN my tummy and I feel like lovin' you love is such A sweet thing good enough to eat thing Sorry, but the punishment stands.

And cut! Blah! I almost swallowed some of the juice. I'll be tasting that for weeks. Great spot, K.C.! Put a sock in it, preppy. How much are these free burgers gonna cost me? Not to worry, Mr. "K." We've rigged the cards.

Watching those women is giving me ideas. They made an elephant! It's hauntingly beautiful, isn't it?

Because they love you down at the plant. Yeah, you're right. Guys are always patting my bald head for luck, pinchin' my belly to hear my girlish laugh. Hmm. That doesn't sound like they like you at all. You're right. First thing tomorrow, I'm gonna punch Lenny in the back of the head.

I got a report on a domestic disturbance at this address. Yes, indeed there is. There's an inflatable bath pillow that Mother and I both enjoy. She claimed it was her day to use it. I maintained she was mistaken. We quarreled. Later, as I prepared to bathe, I noticed, to my horror, that someone had slashed the pillow.

Help! I don't have much time! That does it! I'm going in! Bart, no! Cool, man!

Lisa, honey, if you really want to preserve his memory, I recommend getting a tattoo. It preserves the things you love. "Starland Vocal Band"? They suck! Death!

But, first, we all stink. We all-- Hey! That's according to a national survey ranking Springfield... as the least popular city in America. In science-- dead last.

Your photo ? Uh-oh. Why you little-- Why you big-- Bart, go to your room. I'm out of here. Look, Marge, honey, baby, doll, I-- Homer, I don't even want to look at you right now. What are you saying, honey ?

Smithers, massage my brain. Yes, sir. You, strawberry-- Hit a home run!

My first dollar! Thanks to you, Lisa-- and our hemp-smoking friend. Shine on, you crazy diamond. Sounds like somebody's living in the past. Contemporize, man!

Who is that bookworm, Smithers? Homer Simpson, sir. Simpson, eh? How very strange.

What the-- Zeppelin rules!

Oh, I love legitimate theater. Dr. Zaius, Dr. Zaius

Find your soul mate, Homer. Find your soul mate. Where? Where? This is just your memory. I can't give you any new information.

All right, read me back what I have so far, Mrs. Krabapatra. "Bird, bird, giant eye, pyramid, bird." Mm-hmm. Very good. Uh, giant eye, dead fish, cat head, cat head, cat head, guy doing this--

(ALSO SPRACH ZARATHUSTRA PLAYING)

I'm watching the road, sweetie. "You jive turkey!" See? You got to sass it. "Quit jivin' me, turkey!" You got to sass it. A turkey is a bad person.

Superintendent, we made the front page today. Hmm. Now, what's that say under your hand there? Hmm? Oh, it's an unrelated article. It's an unrelated article? Mm-hmm. Within the banner headline? Yes.

First of all, I'm not a robot. And second, I got this metal ass in 'Nam... defending this country for lazy jerks like you. Now what'll you have, partner? Let's see. One, two, three- Six whiskeys. All right! We only serve sarsaparilla, mac. No alcohol.

Normally, a student is selected on the basis of academic excellence or intelligence, but in Bart's case, I'm prepared to make a big exception. And if you're willing to play along, he can spend the next three months... studying far, far away. Sounds great. Although, a kid can't learn much in just three months. Homer, you didn't even ask where Bart would be going.

Hey, yeah, who are you ? I saw you chasing Bart's ambulance. Hutz is the name, Mr. Simpson. Lionel Hutz, attorney-at-law. Here's my card. It turns into a sponge when you put it in water. Ooh, classy.

Behold! Ladies, grab your pebbles. GIRLS: Mmm. (GIGGLING) What? Nothing. (SHERRI GIGGLES) Lisa has a big butt. (CHANTING) Lisa has a big butt.

Now, this is a trust exercise. You fall backwards and rely on your spouse to catch you. Do I have to do this ? No. Even if your husband were here, I wouldn't recommend it.

Just jump over there, Alec. It's not that far. Yeah, you're a big screen tough guy. Uh, gee, I'd love to, but I'm not really wearing the right shoes.

Right! Oh! Dear God, no!

Who should appear but the unrequited love of my college years-- Mimsie Bankcroft. Of course by then, Mimsie had her share of wrinkles... and a gray hair or two, but my adoring eyes saw past those minor imperfections, to her 21-year-old daughter, lily.

I look exactly the same, you moron! Oh, nonsense, Krusty. You look at least 10 years younger. Plus, I did your breasts.

Oh, there's so much I don't know about astrophysics. I wish I read that book by that wheelchair guy.

The Inferno Buster 3000! Oh, I knew Santa wouldn't have time to check that list twice. Oh, yeah. Cool.

That's a shame. He had one day left till retirement.

"My back is spineless. My belly is yellow. I am the American nonvoter."

I never realized history was so filthy. First on our tour is the whorehouse.

Blast! I took mother's makeup kit by mistake. Oh, uh, excuse me, ma'am. Superintendent Chalmers. Oh, my God. So, Superintendent Chalmers can vouch for your whereabouts? Oh, yes. But anything else he tells you is a filthy lie. I'm telling you, I could nay have shot Burns.

You'd better have a good reason for doing that, boy. It makes me feel like a big man. Let me check my reason list. Yep, it's on here.

Bart! Time for your Sunday night bath, boy! Gotta hide.

The folks at the senior center... sure will love that peach tree we planted. I wish we could see their happy faces. Sin of pride, Roddy. I'm sorry. Sin of regret.

it's my job to protect you from reality. And thanks to my prudent editing, tonight's special Halloween show... has been rated TV "G." This means there will be no raunchy NBC-style sex... or senseless CBS-style violence. So sit back and enjoy a night of worry-free--

That is some outfit, Scoey. It makes you look like a homosexual. Oh. Maybe you all are homosexuals too. This is horrible. The Fox network has sunk to a new low.

Were you on my roof last night stealing my weather vane? This interview is over!

Uh, do you know "Insane in the Brain"? We mostly know classical, but we could give it a shot. Now, this I like.

with an uptown girl I buried Flanders.

So. How you doin'?

What's this wrapped in a banana leaf? Mmm. Smells like mint. Oh, I spit my gum in there. Eww.

This isn't a very happy birthday for Rex Banner.

Remember now-- your name is Homer Thompson. I gotcha. Hello, Mr. Thompson. Now, when I say, "Hello, Mr. Thompson"... and press down on your foot, you smile and nod.

Oh. Oh, Homer, are you thinking what I'm thinking? You bet I am. You can run, but you can't glide! U.S.A.! U.S.A.!

Homie, please, why don't you just leave town? What? And let them come after you and the kids? We could come with you. In one car? With no air conditioning? And the little poop machine going every 20 minutes?

You want this, don't you? Yeah! You need the winners, and I know them. So call me now. $5 for the first minute, $2 for additional minutes.

(GASPS) (SCREAMS) Oh, another setback. (GROANING) What the Family Circus? A second premonition came to fruition.

Hello! Itchy and Scratchy Land, open for business. Who are you to resist it, huh? Come on. My last paycheck bounced. My children need wine. The Itchy and Scratchy Show

You're a tough cookie, Maggie, but I'm gonna win you over, just like I did with Lisa. Hi, honey!

But first, I've got a hankerin'... for some pork products. Mmm. Look. Plump succulent sausage, honey-smoked bacon and glistening, sizzling--

Mmm. Foot-long chili dog. It's a sign!

I'd like to commit myself. Very well. Shall I show you to your room, or would you prefer... to be dragged off kicking and screaming? Ooh, kicking and screaming, please. As you wish. Noooooo!

Papa? When I grow up, can I be a clown? No! A clown is not respected. I'll make people laugh. Herschel, life is serious. Seltzer is for drinking, not for spraying. Pie is for noshing, not for throwing. But, Papa... But nothing!

I'm not your buddy, you greedy old reptile.

Time to put this ordeal behind me.

How much of the hundred thou do I get? Five hundred dollars? Yes, well, uh-- Cool! Glad you're happy. Let's roll. I can't believe it! Five hundred bucks!

Now, before we adjourn, gentlemen, I have one last matter of utmost importance.

Aw, that's it. You just can't insult this guy. You call him a moron, and he just sits there grinning moronally. Hi, neighbor. You know what your problem is, Flanders? You're afraid to be human. Oh, now, why would I be afraid of that? Because humans are obnoxious sometimes, humans hate things. Well, maybe a few of them do... back east.

(ALL GASP) Oh, I should've gone with the button fly. (SOBBING)

For the last time, get rid of those sideburns. I don't know what you think sideburns are, but-- Don't argue with me! just get rid of them!

"The status quo'"? Pl y, carambai That's just sad.

There are tricks to it, things you should have learned a long time ago, such as, if you leave milk out, it can go sour. Put it in the refrigerator, or, failing that, a cool, wet sack. And put your garbage in a garbage can, people. I can't stress that enough. Don't just throw it out the window.

It doesn't seem to matter now. So the following people are gay.

My worst, eh? Smithers, release the robotic Richard Simmons. Come on, big boy! Shake the butter off those buns! Shake, shake, shake shake, shake, shake

Not the elephants!

We gotta find someplace no one will ever go. Hello! Drive faster, Grandma! Grandma's gaining on us! They'll never look for us here. Yeah, this place is emptier than a Scottish pay toilet.

I think Lisa's right, Dad. Eating meat is ba-a-a-ad. Hey, that's my chop!

Get out of here, you little pisher. Oy, this guy's tough. We'll have to outsmart him.

Bingo! - D'oh! - D'oh! Oh, it's gonna take forever to go through all of these. I have a plan. Well, that didn't work. Hey, Legs. Let's go jump on Tony's bed. Sure. Uh-oh! We gotta get outta here. Just take 'em all!

I'm fired, aren't I?

Announcer: ...for halfback Dan Beerdorf. Duff Dry has won the Duff Bowl. They wanted it more. Homer, didn't you say if Duff Dry wins your daughter loves you? Not Duff Dry, Washington. Okay, okay, they're both great teams.

Yeah! SpriNgfield, springfield it's A hell of a town the School yard's up and The shopping mall's down the stray dogs go to the animal pound spriNgfield, Springfield springfiEld springfield new york, new york new york is thataway, man. Thanks, kid.

Not a single microbe can get in or out. Who the devil are you? Don't panic. just come up with a good story. My name is Mr. Burns. D'oh!

Hello. This is the Repo Depot. I'm just calling to distract you while we repossess your plow. Oh, yeah? How dumb do you think I-- Oh.

That baby-proofing crook wanted to sell us... safety covers for the electrical outlets. But I'll just draw bunny faces on them to scare Maggie away. She's not afraid of bunnies. She will be.

Mr. Tom jones. Hello, Marge. That's it. Big smile. Everybody's happy.

LENNY: Hey, where's my presents?

"Best before November 1959." Damn it, Bob! There were plenty of brand-new bombs. But you had to go for that retro '50s charm.

If a son defies his father and chooses a career that makes millions of children happy shouldn't the father forgive the son? I think so. Of course. Absolutely not! Never! Who screens these calls? Who's in charge here? They leave a building without people watching it?

At ease. I know I'm bending the rules tonight, but I also know none of you wants that skunk Burns to take our treasure. And I want you to know that when I die, you're all welcome to visit me in Rich Man's Heaven.

love you you darling, I love you ooh, oh-oh

Let's do it. Oh, Homer, where have you been?

And, um, I'll just, uh, get us started. Uh, we'll need that to live.

I'm facing a crisis, and I didn't know to whom to turn. All right. Mother's gone too far. She's put cardboard over her half of the television. We rented Man Without a Face. I didn't even know he had a problem! What should I do? Well, maybe you should read your Bible.

The zombies have the Earthlings on the run. Soon, the human race will wither and fall, like the earth plums we have seen on the observe-a-scope.

You will get wet.

Oh, that was the worst movie I've ever seen.

I get to clothe the leper! Lucky! Suppertime, boys. Oh, boy! Liver! Iron helps us play! I wanna go home. No, I don't.

We also sell frozen yogurt, which I call frogurt. Well, I need something for my son's birthday.

And that's the truth. That dog's a riot. Thank you.

All right. Here you go. Red Tick Beer. Hmm. Bold, refreshing... and something I can't quite put my finger on. Hmm. Needs more dog.

There's someone out there in Krustyland who has committed an atrocity.

Mm-hmm. Well, obviously. Hey, one question, Eddie. Butch. Yeah, right, right. If your mother was a vampire and your father was a Frankenstein, how come you are a werewolf? Huh. I never thought of that. Doesn't make sense, does it? But what does make sense is putting your children in the hands of Mr. Kidkill here.

Look, John, you seem like a perfectly nice guy and all. just stay the hell away from my family! Well, now you don't get any candy. No, that's cruel. Take a teensy piece. No.

I said, "Lorne, why me?" I mean, I did just star in my first movie with Marvin Hagler... and Tova Borgnine-- Yeah!

Aaah! Damn, damn, damn. McBain. Yes? I'm not gonna make it.

Twinkle, twinkle, groovy cat. How I wonder where you at. I really love the way you cook. just like me when I wrote this book. How to Make Love to Steve Allen, from the author of Happiness is a Naked Steve Allen, journey to the Center of Steve Allen, and The joy of Cooking Steve Allen.

(GASPS) What did she say? Well, Marge, I'm surprised you haven't been run out of town. I'll have you know I am very well-liked in Springfield! Well, there you have it. Springfield hates America. Now coming up after this commercial, I will be talking even louder! Don't miss it!

I'm not sure I should go. I don't even like him. You're right, Lise. You shouldn't go. It wouldn't be honest. I'll go, disguised as you. What if he wants to hold hands? I'm prepared to make that sacrifice. - What if he wants a kiss? - I'm prepared to make that sacrifice. What if he-- You don't wanna know how far I'll go.

Too bad. You ain't gettin' it ! Not since this reporter's marriage to Stephanie the weather lady... has this town been so consumed with rumor and innuendo. All because of this man. Today, one Abraham "Grampa" Simpson... announced that he would give away over $100,000...

Oh, yeah? What have they ever done for you? When was the last time Barbra Streisand cleaned out your garage? And when it's time to do the dishes, where's Ray Bolger? I'll tell ya. Ray Bolger is lookin' out for Ray Bolger!

[ Murmuri in Shh! g] English - US - SDH

Nah. I wanna enjoy this show before the network retools it. How can I organize this modeling agency... and still be a good single father? - I love you, Daddy. - AWW! Too late!

Yes, Homer. If I catch fire? No, Homer. If I see something weird? Yes, Homer. What about when we snuggle? Hmm... That's okay. "Dear Woodrow, it's time for us to meet. "Why don't we go out to dinner? After, we'll go to my apartment for some home cookin'."

Sweet! A circus! Let's sneak in. That's using your noodle. J;

And you kids should have jackets on.

an ionic disturbance in the vicinity of the Van Allen belt. Scientists are recommending that all necessary precautions be taken. Eggheads. What do they know?

Yeah. By you! Groundskeeper Willie! Um, uh, so you're the immigrant I'm here to help. Help? You destroyed my house... and reduced me to livin' in a dump. Groundskeeper Willie, furious with the government that let him down. I'm Bart Simp--

When I grow up, I wanna be a lardo on workmen's comp, just like Dad. I wash myself with a rag on a stick. Whoo-ooh-ooh. Euw!

Come on, kids. Pretend we got new cross-country skis. Merry Christmas, Simpsons!

even if you children aren't interested.

What country is this car from? It no longer exists, but take her for a test-drive and you'll agree-- Put it in "H." Kids, if we buy a new car, we get our parking validated for free.

LISA: It's a media circus. Woo-hoo! The circus! A media circus. Woo-hoo! I don't know the difference. LISA: ABC, CBS. Uh-oh. The Christian Science Monitor has a flat tire. I'll get the spare.

Funny story, Kent. It's the end of the world! God loves you! He's gonna kill you!

Oh, really now, that's too much. It's Sideshow Bob! You wrote me those letters. You awful man! Stay away from my son. Oh, I'll stay away from your son, all right. Stay away... forever. Oh, no!

Everyone knows you're the future of this family. That's not true, Bart. Mom and Dad value us equally and... Ah, you're right. Okay, go ahead.

Now, Marge, you're gonna hear a lot of crazy talk about Bart working in a burlesque house. "Maison Derriere"? I can't believe there's a place like that in our wholesome little town. Homer, did you know it was a burlesque house when you sent Bart to work there?

there's no structure I have been to which I'd rather call my home. Hello.

Yes. We're well protected against every threat, from bomb-toting Bolsheviks to golden-armed jazzbos. (THUDDING) HOMER: Oh, no! I hit the grief counselor! Promise me you'll report this.

Ooh ! Gross ! Yet strangely compelling. - Huh ? - It's a raid ! What the-- YOu-- Hey, you ! I know you ! Come back here ! Bart ! You promised me you wouldn't watch that trash. Now go to your room !

Well, excu-u-uSe me! Give him 10 grand. Steve Martin on four. Ten grand.

Wonderful! Being with those kids gives me a high only morphine can top. - You got any? - Always with the morphine. Mmm. Peekaboo! Peekaboo! Peekaboo! Peekaboo! Dad's been doing that for two hours!

If I were a truant boy out for a good time, I'd be right here-- the Springfield Natural History Museum. You're mine, Simpson.

That Yodel was so good. I wish I was eatin' it right now. Oh, crap! I forgot!

Come on, lefties. What did I tell you? Homer? It's all here, and it's all backwards. That's right.

"Helms calls for doughnut tax."

You wrecked Hitler's car. What did he ever do to you?

And try to be nice to my sisters. It's very hard on me to have you fighting all the time. Oh. Okay, Marge. I'll get along with them. Then I will hug some snakes. Yes! I will hug and kiss some poisonous snakes! Now that's sarcasm.

Look! It's the Incredible Hulk!

Well, thank you for a lovely time. You're not going home already, are you? It's almost 9:30. Yeah, right. We better turn in. Oh, you were serious.

These mallet things are padded with foam rubber. What's the point ? They'd work much better without the padding, Doc. No, no. That's not true. Ah ! Give me that. See ? Yes, well, that concludes this portion of our treatment.

I'm sick of you positing an alternate reality! (GURGLING) (CLANKING) No Frank Gehry designed prison can hold me! Ha-ha! (GRUNTS)

Wherever my soul mate is, it's not here.

Tell you what, Simpson. I won't fail you... if you join one of those peewee teams outside the school. You mean those leagues where parents push their kids into vicious competition... to compensate for their own failed dreams of glory? Look, I don't need this. I inhaled my favorite whistle this morning.

We're losin' power! We're losin' backup power! We're down to mood lightin' here.

But? I just don't think you should get too excited... about the woman who abandoned you for 25 years. You could get hurt again.

She's right ! She's right ! Oh, how I miss TV. Dear God, just give me one channel ! Homer, it's not the end of the world. Before we got married, we hardly ever watched television. You lie. Bart !

Look, Bart, I have to practice my saxophone, and you can't stop me. Oh, yeah? My dear Lisa, you are eight, and I am 10. And in my two extra years on this planet, I've learned a few tricks. Gimme that sax! No! - I said gimme! - I said no! - Gimme it. Gimme, gimme, gimme! - No! No, no, no!

How low can I go!

Ho... mer Simp... son. Okay, that was a little strange. Um, tell me, how you feeling today? Homer... Simpson. Homer. D'oh, Simpson. Hmm, that seems to be all you can say. When you were in that coma, did you feel your brain getting damaged?

It's Homer! I don't know what you see in that ugly meatball.

just let your head flop back and forth. Your neck is a well-cooked piece of asparagus.

D'oh! He's gonna ruin everything! All right. That's it, Homer. Either Burns goes, or Moe goes. Yes, I am afraid that I am going to have to make a similar threat... with my name in place of Moe's name. So, who's ready to kick some Christian keister? Oh, uh, Mr. Burns, as team captain, it's my duty to inform you that--

Hey, Mr. S., I didn't know you bungeed. - I want to live! - No, no! You're too heavy!

What if I talk like this? What if I sing to you? I gave my love A chicken it had no bone Mmm, chicken. So then, "mono" means "one,"

Hark to the tale of Nelson and the boy he loved so dear They remained the best of friends for years and years and years What are they saying?

Well, sir, "treason season" started early this year, as a nuclear sub was hijacked by local man Homer Simpson. Oh, my God! I told him that photo would come back to haunt him.

Please don't make me retire. My job is the only thing that keeps me alive. I never married, and my dog is dead.

You call that saying grace?

Can't buy me love love can't buy me love oh

Eight-tenths? Donny's Discount Gas! Thanks for swinging by the house, Reverend. Donny! What? Did you see a man being chased by some young hooligans? I see lots of stuff. Did you see that? Yes.

Ooh, that would be a shame. Wouldn't it, Flanders?

A nonprofit organization with oil? I won't allow it! An oil well doesn't belong in the hands of Betsy Bleeding Heart and Maynard G. Muskievote. Sir, have you had enough... e-e-exercise for this morning? No.

I want to be rich! Like these guys! And look at all these rich people here! Not as rich as they should be, of course, but still rich!

Hmm. Oh, Aunt Selma. Always good for a Fin. Whoa, here we go.

Still unknown is the fate of tree-sitter Lisa Simpson. I'm afraid it doesn't look good, Kent. We found her sleeping bag right here. Our working theory is that the lightning exploded her. Back to you, Kent. You don't get to say that! Good-bye, Lisa. We'll miss you. Oh, no! Lisa's gone!

And now, without further Apu. I have been zinged and I love it. The last angry clown, the man who spews truth from every orifice,

Yeah, but I should have no problem selling a thousand springs. To who? Idiots. Ooh! These are fun. Oh, Rhett! Rhett! Oh, Rhett. Where will I go? What'll I do? Frankly, my dear--

If it weren't for him, we'd still be in line at the Monstromart. And he taught me how to play the shehnai. That's even worse than the album Grampa released. And he taught me how to do this. I got out of school, 'cause I told 'em I was mangled in a car wreck.

we sell the parts off Jason Bateman's Bentley. What did you do to my car?

Throw it, don't aim it. This is my park. Get out! It was worth it.

The only other college in 50 miles is Springfield A&M, so they're our best target. Those bastards. Meet Sir Oinkcelot, the beloved mascot of Springfield A&M.

Sorry, Rosarita. I got to get to my birthday party. Farewell, SeÑor Bart.

Dad, why are you singing? Tell a lie. Tell a lie. Because I have a small role in a Broadway musical. It's not much, but it's a start. Bravo.

You there, boy! What day is this? Today, sir? Why, it's Christmas Day.

Look, Cookie. There's a dance tonight. A dance? A dance? Whoo! I'm pooped. I'm going to bed. Bed?

Look! Ralph Wiggum lost his shin guard!

Spinal Tap kicking Moammar Khadafy in the butt. A timeless classic.

although I'm afraid he may never walk again. Row, row, row your boat gently down the stream - Homie! Marge! Mmm-mmm! Homer has many, many horrible problems. These shadows are brain lesions resulting from numerous blows to the head.

I want to register to run for sanitation commissioner. And tell the fat cats upstairs things are gonna change in this town! Okay. But this is where you register as a sex offender. Ah, geez, there's always a line.

Mmm! I-- Ugh! I pickled the figs myself.

You may ask me three questions. That's great, because all I need is one. Are you really the head of the Kwik-E-Mart? Yes. Really? Yes. You? Yes. I hope this has been enlightening for you.

The cafeteria staff is complaining about the mice in the kitchen. I want to hire a new staff.

Oh, honey, don't be so naive. That's how the world works. Sure the mayor takes a few bribes, but he also makes the trains run on time. No, he doesn't. Trains are regulated by the federal Department of Transportation. And recent studies have shown that-- Homer!

But you're gonna kill us all! But ice cream cake!

It was either Pops Freshenmeyer... or Homer Simpson. Simpson, eh? Let's shut down this bowling scam right now.

and has four available mega-saver seats. Yeah! Come on, Homer. Japan. No, not Japan, Jamaica. I wanna pass the dutchie on the left-hand side. Never mind. Looks like the Flanders are gonna get those seats anyway. Oh, so Flanders thinks he can steal our vacation, huh?

Hmm. The memo says, "To my pal, Pop 'n' Fresh." Oh, yes. That greedy, grasping glob of chemicals. Probably one of your ether-induced hallucinations, sir. I'll check the employee files to see who could pull off such an impersonation. It was either Pops Freshenmeyer...

Oh, this is so embarrassing! Lisa, did anyone force you to come here today? You. Hmm. Well, no one's forcing you to stay. Okay, I'm leaving. Hup. You're not going anywhere, missy.

Yes. I should be-- Good Lord! What is happening in there? Aurora borealis. Uh-- Aurora borealis at this time of year... at this time of day in this part of the country... localized entirely within your kitchen? Yes. May I see it? No.

Hmm. Young man, there's nothing funny about novelties. I mean, they're humorous and all, but, uh, this is certainly no laughing matter.

Net profit to me, negative $59. Oh, oh, please take my $59. I don't want it. It's yours. Eh, eh, eh! Seeing as we are unfamiliar with sarcasm, I shall close the register at this point and state that 99 cents is the rental price. Oh, then may I please rent it, please?

I need something for show-and-tell. just take one of my geodes. The rocks on my desk. No, that's a trilobite. That's petrified wood. Bart, that's a bran muffin!

Can I take your order? Nothing for me today. I've got a class to teach. Sir, it's a felony to tease the order box.

No ! Homer, do you know why I gave you this job ? 'Cause you think I'm a genius ? No, I don't think you're a genius. 'Cause you think I'm dynamic ? I don't think you're dynamic. You think I work well with others ? No, no, no, no, no. Homer, I gave you this job because you're an average schmo.

Come back here! Oh, it's no use.

Gingerbread men like to do hip-hop And chocolate chips Huh? We just love to dance on Mars where everything-- Oh. There she is. Hi, honey. Wow. Look at her go.

I know one person who believes you're the Pie Man, Homie. Me. I've known it all along. Was it the kiss? No. It was clearly you in that suit. You'd have to be an idiot not to see it from the start.

That got it. Hey, Milhouse. You want a job in my factory? You don't have a factory.

(GRUNTING) Ugh! This one keeps eating himself. (MUNCHING) Hello? Octopuses, I'm done. Am I the only one here who's in horrible pain? You're the only one who won't shut up about it!

Now, Mr. Simpson, is it possible you’re living a double or triple life... that your wife doesnt know about? Triple? No. Definitely no. You have to do something to protect my husband. Where on my badge does it say anything about protecting people? Second word, Chief. Thanks, Princeton Pete.

and kicked me out of the club. Wait, wait, wait. Back up a bit now.

"This year, give her English muffins." Whatever you say, Mr. Billboard!

Huh? Sunrise, sunset. Sunrise, sunset. Sunrise, sunset. Sunrise, sunset. Sunrise, sunset. Sunrise, sunset.

I do not-- I do not think-- No. We need a name that's witty at first, but seems less funny each time you hear it. How about the Be Sharps? Perfect. The Be Sharps.

You may be telling this to your own son one day if something breaks. Ooh. Lost a few. Oh. Well, there's plenty more where that came from. Uh-oh. A zit. No problemo. The perfect crime.

Ivana Tinkle? I'm a stupid moron with an ugly face and a big butt,

on the back of some stupid truck.

So, a round of applause for... this inanimate carbon rod.

- I surrender. - Not so fast. That's what I call breakneck speed. Mom, a man just died.

Eyewitnesses estimate the man's weight... at somewhere between 400 and 500 pounds. On the lighter side of the news, and I use the term loosely--

we have a special treat for you. Uh, it's beautiful.

As you know, we've inherited quite a budget crunch from President Trump. How bad is it, Secretary Van Houten? We're broke.

Very well. If that is the way the winds are blowing, let no one say I don't also blow. Free Bob.

Aw, no! The corn! Paul Newman's gonna have my legs broke.

"You will find happiness with a new love." Oh, even the Chinese are against me. What's the point? I can't fight fate. Hey, we're out of these "new love" cookies.

Bart's teacher is named Krabappel? I've been calling her Crandall. Why didn't someone tell me? Oh, I've been making an idiot out of myself!

I'm going to sue the pants off you.

(LAUGHS) Uh-oh! Whoa! I'm riding a unicycle with my pants down. This should be every boy's dream. Ha-ha! Your dad's not handy.

All right, here's the 411, folks. Say some gangsta is dissin' your fly girl.

Springtime fresh, winter white. What could be better? Oh, man, I really gotta-- NO-O-o!

Hey, little ones. Santa's back. Ho ho-- D'oh ! Damn it to--

Ay. Que dÍa miserable a trabajo. Primero, el ataque del "woodpeckero" loco.

Don't panic. just come up with a good story. My name is Mr. Burns. D'oh! We need a cure! We need a cure!

I feel like such a free spirit, and I'm really enjoying this so-called "iced cream." Sir, in the spirit of the festival and everything, i-i'd just like to say that-- - I... love you. - Hmm? In those colors!

World War I? I fought in that! Course, to enlist I had to lie about my age.

Hey, mouse. Say "Cheese." With a dry, cool wit like that, I could be an action hero. Die, bad robots! Die!

See you in court!

Welcome, kindergarteners. I'm Principal Sinner-- Skinner. Well, that's it. I've lost them forever. Now I'd like to introduce you to Lunch Lady Doris, who will serve you healthy, nutritious meals. Yeah, right. Ms. Phipps, the school nurse, who will provide ointments and unguents,

Hey, what are you doing ? No ! Drop that drumstick ! Bad dog ! Bad Santa's Little Helper ! Come on ! Give me that ! Give me that ! Doh ! Okay, out you go !

Ow! Ohh. She's saying "I love you." Yea! Can't... take... the pain. Ow! Yea!

Everyone who counts loves Ned Flanders

The Batmobile. Adam West! Hey, kids. Batman.

They tried that in the movies, and it didn't work. I predict this is the last we'll be hearing about prohibition. We want prohibition! We want prohibition! You can't seriously want to ban alcohol. It tastes great, makes women appear more attractive, and makes a person virtually invulnerable to criticism.

Now, where are my chili boots? Ah! Okay. We'll go to the Chili Cook-Off. But I want you to promise me you won't have any beer. Okay. Quit naggin' me. I won't have any beer. Geez. Why don't you have a cigarette or somethin'?

Smithers, for attempting to kill me, I'm giving you a five percent pay cut. Ohh! But, of course, for that ending to work, you would have to ignore all the Simpson D.N.A. evidence. And that would be downright nutty.

(SNORING) Z-Z-Z-Z-Z-Z-Z... (SNORING) Z-Z-Z-Z-Z-Z-Z...

They were about rebellion, about political and social upheaval! Did you talk about me in therapy today? I don't think so. Tell me the truth! Don't tell her I raised my voice. Don't. Happy family. Happy family.

If things had turned ugly, I always had my mace.

Wonder where this river goes. I've got a map. Monkey. Now, according to animal crackers, there's no river here. Eh-- Stay in the boat, Homer.

(GASPS) Ooh, a bread-maker maker. (WHIRRING) And check this out. A walk-in microwave. Hey, Marge, can you press "stop" when my popcorn's done? Uh-oh. (HUMMING) Hmm.

What the hell is that?

Oh, I'm afraid this problem goes far beyond Eugene and Rusty.

But I'm gonna have to go with Shasta, 'cause she liked makin' bacon on the beach. Ooh. Me too. Ahhh, bacon.

An award ceremony erupted in kidnapping tonight... as alleged good guy Homer Simpson absconded with several children... in a stolen paddy wagon. Now let's go to Arnie Pie in the Sky. I can see them right below me. I'm gonna try to nail the driver with one of my shoes. Arnie, please leave this to the police.

No tricks, boy. I said I'm gonna punish you.

Let's all go out for some frosty chocolate milk shakes.

- Ow! - Ow, that hurts!

Da-da da-da-da Hey! Da-da-da-da da-da da-da-da Hey! Da-da I now pronounce you husband and wife.

Hey, the lamp's running away. That's my dog, man. So long, lamp. Now, stop loafing and help your grampa unpack.

Everyone is saying "Gabbo this" and "Gabbo that," but no one is saying "worship this" and "jericho that." What's this about Gabbo?

that your dreams will go unfulfilled. Uh-oh. You're busted, Dad.

How can you be for one form of freedom of expression, like our big, naked friend over there, and be against another form, like itchy & Scratchy ?

Ah, yes. Naturally, I can't pay you much of a reward, because I'm strapped for cash. Ooh! Uh! As you can see, this old place is falling apart.

f Female Announcer] Howdy, partners. My name is Sheriff- f Homer's Voice f Lisa Simpson. f A nnouncer] i sure am hungry for my favorite food- f Homer's Voice] McNuggets. I dont like McNuggets. I'm a vegetarian. Still? Then you’re not gonna like your other present.

I don't know. Fish sandwich. Are you sure?

I can't see! I'll have to steer by the reflection in my watch! (TIRES SCREECHING) Oh! Why don't I just pull over? MAN: Hey!

We're happy tonight

What's this? Melon rinds, panty hose, a term paper from Texas Tech? Simpson, do you know anything about--

(ORCHESTRAL MUSIC STARTING) Oh, beautiful for spacious skies For amber waves of grain

Prank? And all those other pranks were my idea too. I'm the one who should be expelled. Well, I'm touched by your honesty. And who knows-- Perhaps I've been a bit of an ogre myself. - Yes, you have. - How's this? I'll readmit your friends, and we'll forget this whole silly incident ever occurred.

Look at me! I'm the prime minister of Ireland!

Oh, my God! Mr. Burns is dead! Why do the good always die so young? You almost killed me! Please, sir. You'll catch-- cold.

Sir, the actors are here to audition for the part of you. Excellent. Excellent. Next.

Oh, yeah. We all had a good laugh, Moe. The results came back today. You owe me $70 billion. Hmm? No. Wait, wait, wait. That's for the Voyager spacecraft. Um, your tab's $14 billion. Well, alls I got is 2,000 bucks. Well, that's halfway there.

With the bridge gone and the airport, unfortunately, on the other side of the bridge, a number of citizens are attempting to jump the gorge with their cars. It's a silent testament... to the never-give-up and never-think-things-out spirit of our citizens.

Your micro-jerks attacked me. Well, ya practically destroyed their whole world. You can't protect them every second. Sooner or later you'll let your guard down, and then, flush, it's toilet time for Tiny Town.

Half a dozen eggs?

Hey, Homer, where you going? Going for... eight-hour walk.

Stop clapping! Whoa!

Go home, children. Hello! Mrs. Pommelhorst! I'd like to get down now.

Goodness ! Up-up-up-up-up. Don't answer me now. Relax. Talk it over with the missus. Soak in the opulence of your surroundings... and dream of what might be. Smithers, let's go powder my nose. Well, Marge, what do you think ? Mmm, I don't know.

Mmm. Strawberries. Mmm. Ah, that's good. Hey, Lendl! Choke! Choke! Yeah! Point and game, Becker. And will the harlequin in the third row please keep his voice down?

- Champagne ? - Please. There, my darling. Thank you. What cosmic force brought us together, Marge ? Destiny ? Yes. Some divine pinspotter... must have placed us side by side.

Wait a minute. This sounds like rock and/or roll.

Oh, man. He'll blow our winning streak. Yeah. Call this an unfair generalization if you must, but old people are no good at everything. Look, guys, it's not that simple. He's my boss.

Hey, I smell cake. Cake that says-- "Farewell" and-- "Best Wishes!" Your old man has an awesome nose. Oh, that's nothing. He can hear pudding.

4y f Theme Song] ts finally happened, Bart. You’ve lost your mind.

Barney, I'd like to put a Spanish version of your jingle on my next album. SeÑor plow no es macho eS solamente un borracho Yeah, you do that. Well, I guess you can plow my driveway. But I wonder what happened to the Plow King.

I'm just going to call the suicide hotline now. (BEEPS) And they've blocked my number. Oh, God! (SOBBING)

Since I'm the one you kept, that must mean you really love me.

Who'd have thought it ? A free ticket to a big-league park, but I was too tense to enjoy the game. Every ounce of concentration I possessed was focused on the task at hand. Red hots ! Get your red hots here ! Mmm. Red hots. Ladies and gentlemen, Capital City's newest sensation, Dancin' Homer !

The train has been temporarily delayed... because of a discarded couch on the tracks. Yes, it looks like some sort of a couch.

Fire at the old Simpson place! You're on your honor not to steal anything.

Huh? Oh, no. The train! D'oh! I gotta find another way to wreck Moe's car.

And cut! Blah! I almost swallowed some of the juice. I'll be tasting that for weeks.

Oh, my. It seems the show is so scary that Congress won't even let us show it. Instead they've suggested the 1947 classic Glenn Ford movie, 200 Miles to Oregon.

You know what's great about you English? Octopussy. Man, I must have seen that movie... twice.

Smell any drugs, Sergeant Scraps? Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! For me, the '60s ended that day in 1978.

Go back to Massachusetts, pinko!

Careful what you say, Lenny. You'll jinx it. All right. Sorry. Miss! Miss! Sorry. i was callin' the waitress. Ah, this split you sold me is makin' me choke. Lenny! What? I paid 7.10 for this split. Will you at least call it a "banana split," you dumb wad?

Are you wearing a wire?

Yeah. Just watch. Whoo-hoo!

as locker Room Towel Fight: The Blinding of Larry Driscoll. I was one of the first to speak out against horseplay. Uh-huh.

See where it says "Void, void, void" and "This is not a check"? "Cash value 1/20th of a cent." - "Mr. Banker, do not honor." - Shut up. I had a feeling it was too good to be true. Every time you get a million dollars, something queers the deal. I don't think real checks have exclamation points.

Leonard what's-his-name Herman Munster motorcade Birthday party, Cheetos pogo sticks and lemonade You symbiotic stupid jerk That's right, Flanders I am talking about you How did you get R.E.M. to play in your garage?

If that's Homer, then who the hell's been puttin' beers on his tab? D'oh. Whoo-hoo. Uh-- That boy ain't right. Congratulations, Simpsons. The airline tickets are yours. All you have to do is to pick them up...

it's your own fault. Hmm, I better go check that out. Now, Homer, don't you eat this pie.

Will someone remove that crazy man, please? No. No. He's-- He's not crazy. It's true. I'm-- I'm... an impostor. That man is the real Seymour Skinner.

Don't worry, ichiban. I'll show you something japanese. Oh, it's beautiful, Dad. It's a crane. The japanese believe they bring good luck.

Don't forget the smell. Will you get off my front lawn?

Here's an appealing fellow. In fact, they're a-peeling him off the sidewalk. It's funny 'cause I don't know him.

I like your moxie, kid.

Well, there's no shame in bein' beaten by the best. But he didn't seem all that-- We were beaten by the best, boy. I'm so proud of you, Homer. You got our house back.

here's our grand marshal, the Prophet of Love, Larry White. - Barry White. - No. It says here Larry White. I know my own name. Yeah? Well, we'll see. Ladies and gentlemen, my unlimited love to y'all.

Oh, Son, this monkey's gonna change my life. Mind if I take him for a ride? Sure. I'll just stand here. Mmm, I can't wait to eat that monkey.

(CHUCKLES) Oh, I must warn you, sir, I was a Green Beret in Vietnam. The things I saw there are what made me crazy!

No ! Don't you get it, Bart ?

And remember, if you're not sure about something, rub it against a piece of paper. If the paper turns clear, it's your window to weight gain.

Oh! God, my back! Oh! Officer down! Officer down!

Well, why not? This party's just getting started! Stop the celebration! That small boy is drunk! Yea, Bart! Yea!

All right. I have thought this through. I will send Bart the money to fly home, then I will murder him.

Willie, please! Mr. Van Houten has the floor. I, for one, would like to see the cafeteria menus in advance... so parents can adjust their dinner menus accordingly. I don't like the idea of Milhouse having two spaghetti meals in one day.

Wait. That was all a dream.

Let's just get out of here. Nothing to see here, people. just headed down to the dump with these children's letters to God.

Oh, get outta here, Homer. Homer? Who is Homer? My name is Guy incognito. Oh, my God! This man is my exact double!

Twenty. Your move, Mr. Bond. I'll take a hit, dealer. joker. You were supposed to take those out of the deck. Oh, sorry. Here's another one. What is this card? "Rules for Draw and Stud Poker?" What a pity, Mr. Bond. But-- Well, it was Homer's fault. I didn't lose. I never lose.

But first, a man whose inspiring battle with Percodan addiction... is soon to be a movie of the week-- Krusty the Clown! I'll be played by jimmy Smits. Now he faces his toughest audience--

Hey, I'm the chief here. Bake him away, toys. What'd you say, Chief? Do what the kid says.

There is A man there is A man A certain man A certain man A man whose grace and handsome face are known across the land you know his name you know his name it's Mr. Burns it's Mr. Burns He loves A smoke enjoys A joke

Your photo ? Uh-oh. Why you little-- Why you big-- Bart, go to your room. I'm out of here. Look, Marge, honey, baby, doll, I-- Homer, I don't even want to look at you right now.

- Na na na, na na na na na na - Bart! Sorry. You gotta admit it's catchy.

Don't push. There's plenty of tomacco for everyone.

Give it a try. It's like kissing a peanut. Homer, I want that thing out of my house.

"Here lies"-- Walt Whitman? Damn you, Walt Whitman! I... hate... you, Walt... freakin'... Whitman! Leaves of Grass my ass! Wait a minute. Maybe it's that other grave.

Everyone pile on Homer's wife. J Love is a battlefields Huh? Huh? Huh? Ow! J At iastJ J Relax Don 't do itJ

Iron helps us play!

3-6-17-18-22 and 29. Oh, no! Those are my numbers. If it wasn't for that dog, I would have won.

I say Phantom Menace sucked more! I say Attack of the Clones sucked more! J; Uh-oh. That's toxic waste!

You see, when I get bored I make up my own movie. I have a very short attention span. But our point is very simple. You see, when-- Oh, look! A bird! The circle of judgment never fails to destroy their self-esteem. Then he'll be ours to mold. Let the judgment begin. I'll get the ball rolling.

That's the last I'll see of Mr. Trampoline. Yep, it's finally gone. D'oh! If this were a cartoon, the cliff would break off now.

"My back is spineless. My belly is yellow. I am the American nonvoter." "Stir in two cups of checks. Sprinkle liberally with balances." "Ding, dong. The sounds of the Liberty Bell.

I'll teach you to mess with my machine! I'm gonna chop you good! That cost me 35 cents! You're just making it worse! I promise I won't hurt you!

That kid can't understand where the world goes when you close the drapes.

Who would dare to flatter a king? Anne Boleyn, loyal subject, big fan. Modern Wench magazine dubbed me "Anne of the child-bearing hips." Yes. Wide hips indeed. My son could cartwheel out. Yoink! Hey! Where are you taking me? Marriage counseling. (MOANS)

Trick or treat! What's wrong with the TV?

Meet me at the tree house, Bart. And come alone.

So, how are my little Stone Age tub dwellers? Oh, my gosh. They're evolving so quickly. They've already reached the Renaissance. Wait. One of them is nailing something to the door of the cathedral. I've created Lutherans.

"And now the winner for the most-promising new series on cable-- old Starsky and Hutches." Accepting the award is the son of the guy who played Huggy Bear.

Mom, this is no time to be conservative. Let's roll the dice here. It would be nice to beat those women at their own game. Maybe I should look into a franchise. Greetings, humans. I am Investo the Robot of the planet Opportuniac.

Where is everybody going? The symphony, she has just started! So? We already heard the Dum, dum, dum, dum The rest is just filler. I thought this was gonna be the soundtrack to the movie Beethoven. Was I sadly mistaken. It sounds better on my cell phone. (BEETHOVEN'S FIFTH SYMPHONY PLAYING) Don't leave now!

Oh, let's just say I had help from a little magic box. You changed your grade with a computer? D'oh! Way to go, Dad! The important thing is that we all learned a lesson. These guys learned the richness and variety of the world outside college. No, we didn't.

Oh, Abraham, calm down. I'm not here to scare you. They've got me haunting a family in Texas. Oh. Well, I'm glad you're keeping busy. Now listen, Abe. I want to know why my money isn't bringing you happiness. Oh, Bea, I'm not cut out for the high life.

We now return to the 1971 film, Good Time Slim, Uncle Doobie and the Great Frisco Freak-out, starring Troy McClure. Slim, if we've got the bag with the stolen diamonds, then what happened to the bag with our stash?

Mom, are you sure you don't wanna discuss it? Sure as sugar. Lisa, the important thing... is for your mother to repress what happened. Push it deep down inside her so she'll never annoy us again.

Boo! Bring on Sha Na Na! Whoa! Mellow out, Abe. Little Homer's trying to groove.

Twenty-five? Whoa!

You gotta slow your car down and let me in because I'm a big fat guy and I can't go anywhere. Because there's gonna be some poison gas. There's gonna be really poison gas. Everybody's gonna be dead, especially me! D'oh!

And do you, Homer, take this cocktail waitress you just met... to be your lawfully wedded wife? What did you call me? Do you want to get married? Married. Sure. Sock it to me, baby. By the power vested in me by the Chicago outfit,

(MUSIC PLAYING) (SPEAKING ALBANIAN)

Perk up, Pendergast. Profoundly pressing package of power plant profit projections for Pete Porter in Pasadena. - Priority? - Precisely.

What's this? Number five, Duncan, the horse no one expected to do anything, isn't doing anything. He hasn't even left the starting gate. Come on, boy. I know you're scared, but you can do this. I believe in you.

Oh, perfume ! Whoa ! Hmm. Thank you, Bart. You're welcome, Mom. 34 years old. Time enough to start over with a new man. Someone who eats with his mouth shut. What's that, Patty ? Nothing. Finish your steak. Look at him wolf down that gristle. Mm-hmm.

I spent it on beer. Surprise, surprise. You spent $5,200 on beer?! $5,200? What are you talking about? What? I sold it all for 25 bucks!

And did you know the hole's only natural enemy is the pile? I can't believe you went to the movies with the teacher. What happened to the Bart Simpson who put the mothballs in the beef stew? Hey, I only hung out with Krabappel because Skinner blew her off. I've never seen her so sad.

Hello, Homer. It's me, KITT, from TV's Knight Rider.

- Hey, his pants are in our park too! - Get him!

What the hell is that? Well, that's it. We've been canceled. I think we can be proud... that we never did a bad show,

Hello, son. I was on my way home from work and thought I'd drop by. Oh. You have a job? They pay me $800 a week to tell a cat and mouse what to do! I see.

In the third drawer of my desk are... surgical tools and some ether. Aaaaaaaaaaaahhh! Did you have a nightmare? No. Bart bit me. You were crushing me. I tried to scream, but my mouth was full of flab. Got to shake the dew off the lily.

Testing. Testing! Testing!

Oh, yeah. Everyone's real happy then! Do I detect a note of sarcasm? Are you kidding me? This baby is off the charts. Oh, a sarcasm detector. That's a real useful invention.

You're the screwup! Why, you little-- All right! All right! That's it! We're goin' home. I'm sick of you and your stupid tonic! If I hadn't taken that stupid tonic 38 years ago, you'd have never been born and I'd have been happy. You were an accident!

Like those fingerprints. They could have gotten on the gun some other way. Are you sure you don't want me to hold one of your ice-cream cones? Yeah, right. You chose fruit. You live with fruit. D'oh! YOu-- Oh! No. No. No. Eww! Why is this on the floor?

Wow. Officer, uh, this man is making me a little edgy. Could you please give me a ride to the airport? Well, hey, hey! You're Mel Brooks! Sure. I'll give you a ride! Thank you. On the way we can do that $2,000 man thing.

Look. It's Internet buffoon, Angry Dad. Let's send him into one of his trademark fits. Hey, come on. Make your eyeballs explode. Stop it! The more you rock, the angrier I get! You heard the freak. Come on! Come on!

So, Kevin, I hear you collect amusing postcards. Yeah. It all started when- Touch the stove. I cant take any more of these shows. If I wanted reality, I'd finally have this lump looked at. Networks love reality shows because they dont have to pay writers or actors.

Working hard, or hardly working?

Whee, I'm Dick Tracy! Bam! Take that, Prune Face! Now I'm Prune Face! Take that, Dick Tracy! Now I'm Prune Tracy! Take that, Dick-- Ned, stop it at once! Stop it!

Am I ever! Then be the first family on your block... to visit Blockoland, the amusement park made entirely of Blocko brand assembly fun blocks. So, how much did you love Blockoland? It was all right, I guess.

J For nowJ J i justp J Hold goo JJ English - US - SDH

My hobby is secretly videotaping couples in cars. I didn't come forward, because in this country, it makes you look like a pervert. But every single Scottish person does it!

Am I too late for the 4:30 autogiro? Um, better look in the manual. Ignorance.

Got A whole Lot of money that's ready to burn so get those stakes up higher there's A thousand pretty women waitin' out there they're all livin' devil May care and I'm just A devil with love to spare Aah!

Quittin' time. Let's go, Homer. We're stopping at Moe's for a Zima. Maybe I'll just stay and work overtime. My sisters-in-law are at my house again. Homer, quit wallowing in self-pity. Pull yourself together and come get drunk with us.

Hm. Hm. Hm. Mmm! Mmm! Forbidden doughnut. Hmm? Well, well. Finishing something?

Only your death. McBain ! Ah !

I like you so much. They're not for bowling, Marge. You're so naive. They are for lovemaking. Really ? Yes. Oh ! - Champagne ? - Please.

gotta care about my air traffic bill! I'm sorry, Congressman. But this is a committee for designing dollar coins no one will use. I say we make 'em out of chocolate. Kids eat 'em anyway. Why fight it? Oh, I need some air. Do you need some hot air? We congressmen are full of it. I blather on for hours.

Skinner! I am outraged that you've kept this from me.

I brought a bag of money in case he wants us to burn it again. I hope he tells us to burn our pants. These things are driving me nuts. So this afternoon, two suits come up to me... and ask me to endorse some new sports utility vehicle. What did you do? Don't you hate pants?

Who here reads Mary Worth? Let's move on.

There! Pretty as a picture. Ach! Zombies! There! Pretty as a picture.

Bart, what's wrong? You seem distracted. Oh, I was just thinking about Milhouse and Lisa. Mmm-hmm. What are you thinking about now?

Well, not the boy. He drives me nuts. Sometimes I'd just like to-- Homer, you know how I feel, so it's up to you. Look in your heart. I think you'll see what you want.

You know, Smithers, I think I'll donate a million dollars to the local orphanage... when pigs fly. That's a good one. Hey-- Hey-- Wh-wha-- Will you be donating that million dollars now, sir? No. I'd still prefer not.

under the supervision of the reverse-vampires--

And what better place to premiere their creation... than on The Tracy Ullman Show-- the nation's showcase for psychiatrist jokes... and musical comedy numbers.

This is Papa Bear. Put out an A.P.B. for a male suspect... driving a... car of some sort, heading in the direction of, uh, you know, that place that sells chili. Suspect is hatless. Repeat, hatless.

Lurleen, they loved you. I'm still a little itchy from that fiberglass hay. Is there anything you need? Well, you could make my evening complete. What's wrong?

And now lot number 2,380-- Krusty's private plane, the i'm-On-A-Rolla Gay. But I love that plane. I used to fly to Vegas in it with Dean Martin. One night he looked out the window, and the moon hit his eye like a big pizza pie. We wrote a song about it, but it ended up infringing on one he recorded years before.

Get out of there! - Mr. Hamill. Mr. Mayor. Come on. - Who are you? Homer Simpson, nerd-buster, and I'm gettin' you out of here. I can't, Homer. I twisted my ankle. You guys go on without me. Never! Follow me.

Isometric exercise. Care to join me?

Hey, Maude! Look who's helping me clean the chimney. Hey. Not now. Neddie? Where have you been? Hi, Maude. Diddly. I've been having fun with my pal Homer. Diddly.

We're gonna live like kings. Damn, hell, as kings.

Checkmate, Mr. Trampoline.

You know, Marge, this is just like when we were dating.

I'm sorry I ruined your career, mel. It's not your fault, Homer. I guess there's just no room... in today's crazy, gentle America for violent dinosaurs like us. How did the country lose its way, Mel? When did we stop rooting for the man with the flamethrower... or an acid-spraying gun of some kind?

Go play with Milhouse. I don't want to. You haven't made up? His mom says I'm a bad influence. Let's go throw rocks at that hornets' nest.

I'll give you two packs for that candy bar. Three. - Why, you little-- - Guard! Guard!

If we learned one thing from The Amazing Colossal Man and Grasshopperus, it's that radiation makes stuff grow real big real fast. But didn't Grasshopperus kill Chad Everett? - Only 'cause he tried to reason with him. - Oh.

Ooh, yikes ! What is that ? It's the centerpiece, Bart. Well, it's taking up valuable real estate. Hey, Bart, stop it ! Move it or lose it, toots ! Mom ! Now just a minute. I'm sure there's room for both. Bart, you're wreckin' it ! Let go ! I worked forever on this !

That's the last time you'll slap your Willie around.

These batteries have to power everything in our house! Yo, I'll tell you what I want what I really, really want What I want, what I want I'll tell you what I want I want... (TAPE SLOWS DOWN AND STOPS)

Stop laughing, you imbecile. Don't you realize how close you just came to killing yourself?

Hey, Homer. You promised Mom you wouldn't wear your dress outside. Nuts to that. I'm goin' to the movies. Shouldn't you be working? I got someone to cover for me.

Hmm. There it is. "Australia." I'll be damned. Look at this country! "U-R-Gay."

Come on. You try it. No. I couldn't. Yeah. Just breathe slowly and squeeze the--

were you sent here by the devil no, good Sir I'm on the level

and I was electric as Nathan Detroit. What did you think of me? I'd say you were luminous, magnetic. Incandescent. Oh, cheer up, Homer. I think you made a great bodyguard. Really? Would you say I was magnetic? Absolutely. Aw.

Hmm? Oh. You stole my bit! YOu-- That's my bit, you-- Oh, you stole my bit! Cut! Oh, my God! He's killed the original Alfalfa! Yeah. Luckily, Alfalfa was an orphan, owned by the studio. Oh, I see. Yeah. That makes sense.

This movie you rented sucks. No, it doesn't. It's funny. Their clothes are different from my clothes.

Ladies and gentlemen, I've been to Vietnam, Afghanistan and Iraq, and I can say without hyperbole... that this is a million times worse than all of them put together. Burn, Krusty, burn! Burn, Krusty, burn!

Then I shall drip like a pot roast. Excellent. Now don't mind the squeegee. Ah. Oh, the scraping seems wrong, but it feels so right.

My hands are shaking. Better than your eyes bursting. Do it again. Make the walls bleed. What ?

Ow! My hairstyle. Not again. Good-bye, cruel world. Hello, ironic twist.

Only who can prevent forest fires? You pressed "You," referring to me. That is incorrect. The correct answer is you.

Excuse me. Paul Bunyan never fought Rodan. And his size seems to be really inconsistent. I mean, one minute, he's 10 feet tall. The next, his feet are as big as a lake. Hey, hey, hey! Who's the hobo here?

Good Lord! Bart's mooning the flag! Don't look, Buttermilk! (CROWD JEERING) How dare he? That's the flag my grandpappy rebelled against! When you insult the flag, you insult my flag tattoo!

Booting? Oh, it's just a little kick in the bum. Yuh-oh.

Now, you hold Maggie. I'm going to buy some earrings at the gift shop. The subject of our first painting tonight is the most... foul, evil, vicious, diabolical beast to stalk the earth. Of course, I refer to-- The devil.

Hello. I'm retired heavyweight boxer Gerry Cooney. Welcome to Mr. Burns's Casino. If there's anything I can do to make your visit more enjoyable, please let me know. Yeah, great. See ya! Uh, don't forget to apply for... our V.I.P. Platinum Club for special discounts on-- Hey! I said bug off!

Ahh maybe I'm A man maybe you're the only woman who Can ever help me baby, won't you help me understand oooh

Mr. Simpson this check is dated January 1, 2054. Is there a problem with that? Our ponies start at $5,000... cash.

Homer, that hat's been with the station for 20 years. He had one day left till retirement. La la la la la Well, time to replenish the hot-dog roller. La la Oops! Oh, no. It is encrusted with filth.

- What do I do here? - just tell us about yourself. Well, I wanna have a baby before it's too late. You're lookin' at a free lunch, boys. Come and get it.

Don't cry for me. I'm already dead.

Ned! Mr. Flanders! Flanders, where are you? Mr. Flanders! Hey, Flanders, it's me! Hey! Mr. Sparkaru! Mr. Sparkaru! Konnichiwa.

This is worse than your song about Mr. T. I pity the fool who doesn't like... he.

Oh! Very well. Lay off... him, him, him, him-- Hmm.

Marge, I don't know what this is.

Arr! Ya call that an anchor?

Isn't it true that you're really an Indian? By the many arms of Vishnu, I swear it is a lie.

Nerds! Get out of there!

Come on! I'll give you a piggyback ride-- Uh, oops! I mean, a veggieback ride home. Come on. Maybe I'm amazed at the way you love Me all the time or maybe I'm afraid of the way i love you

Clancy, use the remote. Oh, yeah. Oh! Can we talk about Chief Wiggum? We had fame and fortune. Now all we needed was the approval of record company lowlifes.

Ah! Mmm. Alcohol and night swimming. It's a winning combination.

Somebody up there likes me, Smithers. Somebody down here likes you too, Sir. shut up !

Shut up. Shut up.

In this house, we obey the laws of thermodynamics!

Get your own angel, you moocher! Thanks anyway, Homer.

There's no detention this time, Simpson. This is the end. You are expelled from Springfield Elementary.

Bulkenoids for my lats... Meso-Max for my delts... and estrogen blockers for that minty taste. Whoa! Hurry up, kids. You’ll miss the bus. - Wait! Otto. - Otto!

The itchy and scraTchy show Bart! Our cartoon's on TV! All right! Turn up the volume! Erosion is a slow but steady process.

Hey, Dad-- We wanna go back to Springfield. What? We've got it great here. And for the first time in my life, I'm actually good at my job. My team is way ahead of the weather machine and germ warfare divisions. It's up to you, Homer. Whatever you decide, that's what we'll do.

At the 1936 Berlin Games, Jesse Owens humiliates Adolph Hitler... by outracing his zeppelin. 1968, Mexico City. Bob Beamon shatters the world long jump record. Ow!

Well, here we are.

Stanley is thoughtless, violent and loud. Marge, every second you spend with this man, he is crushing your fragile spirit. You can't let that happen. Whoo-hoo! Come to papa. Marge, I'll be out in the car.

To the gag, I will give a D-plus. As for the workmanship on the hand, it-- Oh. That's not right! You mocking me! Oh, that is rich.

Now what? Sorry we're late. Could we have the money now? The answer is no. I'm afraid I must insist.

My father tried to extinguish the comedy bug but it was no use. What are you doing? Go away. Open the door!

Guys, I made the spare. We won. Yes! Yeah! All right! Those beers are five dollars apiece.

ANNOUNCER: Welcome back to Promiscuous Idiots Island on Fox, the home of Promiscuous Idiots. Last week on PII, our billionaire bachelor gave five lovely ladies a rose of continuation. And he hurled a rock of rejection at anyone displaying intelligence, character, or ethnicity.

How'd it go? Tell me everything that happened. He didn't give you gay, did he? Did he? Oh, geez Louise!

- and you can take two Popsicles out of the freezer. - Three. - Two. - Okay, two, and I get to keep this old birdcage. - Done. - Still got it. Oh, I've heard a lot about Shot Kickers.

Above the old routine

Oh, Baby what you've done to me What you've done to me you make me feel So good inside good inSide

I brought you your Krusty doll. Ow! Knock it off, you bald boob! Don't make me come down there! Like to see you Fit. Why, you little...! Put a man on him.

I'm peeing on the seat. Give me a raise. Now I'm returning to work without washing my hands--

Family, religion, friendship. These are the three demons you must slay if you wish to succeed in business. When opportunity knocks, you don't want to be driving to the maternity hospital... or sitting in some phony-baloney church. Or synagogue.

Mr. Burns's reign of terror is over! Yay! And today begins my reign of ter- Huh? ...riffic management! Oh! I thought he was gonna say "terror." Oh, I didnt think he was going that way.

Finally, books for today's busy idiot. Network Programming for Dummies. Christianity for Dummies. Mo-- Moby Dick? "Call me Ishmael, dummy." How did you write all these books? Duh, I don't know. Me gotta go to bank now.

Milhouse likes Lisa! He does not! janie likes Milhouse! She does not! Uter likes Milhouse! Nobody likes Milhouse! Lisa, you've got detention.

Oh, sir, such a thing has never been done. just make it happen. Oh. Oh, dear.

Is too ! Watch. I'll prove it. Maggie. Come to the one you love best.

I think I'm gonna be sick.

I mean, "Me so sorry."

Were you on my roof last night stealing my weather vane? This interview is over! I remember another gentle visitor from the heavens. He came in peace, and then died, only to come back to life. And his name was...

They turned the navy into a floating joke. They ruined all our best names, like Bruce and Lance and julian. Those were the toughest names we had. Now they're just, uh-- Queer? Yeah, and that's another thing. I resent you people using that word. That's our word for making fun of you!

I was a fool to think anyone would want nude photos of Whoopi Goldberg. What the--

Five hundred thousand dollars. Goodness ! Up-up-up-up-up. Don't answer me now. Relax. Talk it over with the missus. Soak in the opulence of your surroundings... and dream of what might be. Smithers, let's go powder my nose.

Skinner! Skinner?

Duff McShark! Duff McShark! Duff McShark!

The baby looked at you? Sarah, get me Superintendent Chalmers. Thank you, Sarah.

Now shut this place down before the old folks come in for their morning walk. Tappa-tappa-tappa, tappa-tappa-tappa. Oh. Whoa! Ow! Sorry. The floor's kind of at an angle here. I'm gonna move over there.

Mr. Blackheart? Yes, my pretty. Are you an ivory dealer? Little girl, I've had lots of jobs in my day-- whale hunter, seal clubber, president of the Fox network-- And, like most people, yeah, I've dealt a little ivory.

Oh, great. Now Hamlet's acting crazy. Well, nobody out-crazies Ophelia. Hey, nonny-nonny! With a hoo and a haw! And a nonny-nonny hey!

The Indians used to drink water to wake up early for their attacks. It's always about the Indians, isn't it, Lise? Dear Santa, if you bring me lots of good stuff, I promise not to do anything bad... between now and when I wake up, amen. Ow! I'll kill you.

Hey, Ray j. johnson never changed his act, and he's more popular now than he's ever been. Who? You can call him Ray. Or you can call him J. Or you can call him Ray j. But you doesn't have to call him-- I'm sick of him already.

And finally, Henry Kissinger was hospitalized today after walking into a wall.

You sold my little girl a shoddy Eiffel Tower. Hey, tough luck, pal. You can't fight the souvenir industry. We're too powerful. Yeah, you're right.

"For narrowly averting a meltdown "and proving without question "that nuclear power is completely safe. Employee of the month!" Oh, Homer! Ohh.

My huckleberry friend moon river and me Wow! I didn't think he was gonna do "Moon River,"

You're broadcasting geek rays over the entire valley.

It's been done.

You can count on us, Mr. President. Major Nougat, Gooey, Cocoa, put down those entertaining Mattel products. Colonel Ga-taffy is up to his old tricks. Let's power up!

"You are my brother. "I love you. "And yet I feel a great sadness... in my bosom." "BOsom." Wait. Wait, there's more.

That's my boy. Come on. Hug me. Cobras! Cobras! I thought I would hate working nights, but it's so peaceful.

Patty, Selma, I'm sorry. Mm! He's hugging us. What do we do? just close your eyes and think of MacGyver. Hey, Homer! This luggage is crushing me. Hey, you don't hear Lisa complaining.

Wait. I know. Vent gas.

You know, Marge, in some ways... you and I are very different people.

Oh, you stupid son of a...

Then we had to do two hours of origami, followed by flower arranging and meditation.

Like this, from the book of... "P-salms." "God will shatter the heads of his enemies, "the hairy crown of those who walk in their guilty ways, that you may bathe your feet in blood." As true today as it was when it was written.

We're goin' home. I'm sick of you and your stupid tonic! If I hadn't taken that stupid tonic 38 years ago, you'd have never been born and I'd have been happy. You were an accident! Get out. I'm sorry I said that. - Out. - I'm gonna get out of the car,

Take your best shot. I'm wearing 17 layers. Ooh! I brought this on myself.

They're playing Gustav Mahler in abject squalor. (MUSIC PLAYING) Little help? (SCOFFS) Next time we're keeping it.

Occasionally, I'll be quirky.

Fairly warned be thee, says I. Huh? Hey! Hey! Hey! But the sign said, "All you can eat."

Uh-oh. This is all Bart's fault. Let's get him. I blame him. He's killed us all. I want some taquitos.

Greetings, humans. I am Investo the Robot of the planet Opportuniac.

- What do you think, Smithers? - I think women and seamen don't mix. We know what you think. Young lady, you're hired.

Stand back. What a gyp. Maybe our key fits in here. Till death do you part.

"Go-Go Ray"? Allow me to demonstrate.

Willie, we have two more names for the wall. Why is it always the kids with the long names?

Better be more specific. Lazy. Clumsy. Dimwitted. Monstrously ugly. Nuts to this. I'll just go get Homer Simpson. I think Smithers picked me because of my motivational skills.

Here's your turtle, alive and well. - Aw, thanks, Dad. - Ahh. How about some adulation from my little sister? Wow, Bart, I'm so impressed you were able to give Milhouse a concussion. Ah, you're just jealous because... you... stink...

Chief Wiggum, I can't wait to hear about all the exciting, sexy adventures... you're sure to have against this colorful backdrop. Well, golly, I'd love to chat, but my son's been kidnapped. You haven't seen him, have you? Caucasian male between the ages of six and 10, thinning hair. Over there. Look, Big Daddy, it's regular Daddy.

Stop! You are in violation of the Model U.N. charter! Uh, that's right. The U.N. doesn't look too kindly on-- The monster!

Ha-ha! I know! It's a hover car! All right! You guys are my new best friends. You wish, loser! (GRUNTS) (CLANKING) (HOMER LAUGHING)

Hey, there, Kirk. Oh, boy! What's going on? Patio party? Nah. A possum drowned in the pool. You have any garbage bags? Ah, just throw it over the fence. Let Arby's worry about it.

When I first heard about the operation, I was against it. But then I thought, if Homer wants to be a woman, so be it. Barney, I'm not getting a sex change! What? Well, what the hell am I supposed to do... with this jumbo thong bikini?

Sir, I demand satisfaction! Are you crazy, dude? I challenge you to a duel! The dude is crazy! Will you duel, or are you a coward? Would a coward do this? Bye!

Coveralls that don't quite cover all. And a psychotic little boy who will not stop hounding me!

I'm gonna fight this thing. Oh, please don't. For me? Sorry, Marge. This is my quest. I'm like that guy, that Spanish guy. - You know, he fought the windmills. - Don Quixote? No, that's not it. What's his name? "The Man of La Mancha."

and of course, the five-story pig shredder blessed by three popes. If you like bacon, you're gonna love it. And if you don't like bacon, well, then the hell with ya! I'm going to find that golden ticket and win that tour! The only thing that can make bacon more delicious is seeing how it's made!

Get out and take your Sacajawea dollars with ya. I'll give you till three. One--

Who used my chap stick? Oh, i did. Here you go. I don't want it. My only joy came with plotting a horrible revenge...

Get in the car !

There's gum in my hair!

We have our first contestant! Clarissa Wellington! (ALL CHEER) Oh, there's no way I'm gonna beat her. Why? Just because she sings like Whitney Houston brought to life?

"John Lemon." "Orange Harrison." "Paul McIced Tea" "Mango Starr." Hey, Bart, how about a blast from the past? A 40-year-old novelty beverage? Hand it over.

Now that I'm a teacher, I've sewed patches on my elbows. Homer, that's supposed to be leather patches on a tweed blazer, not the other way around. You've ruined a perfectly good jacket. Ah, incorrect, Marge-- two perfectly good jackets. I think it's great you're a teacher, Dad.

Hey, Flanders, who put that bug up your butt ? Ohh. I wanted to subscribe to that new Arts and Crafts Channel. Well, sir, they send over this flimflam man to install it. And do you know what he did ? He offered to hook me up illegally to every cable channel for only 50 bucks. Boy, what's this world coming to ?

The pig's acting kinda funny. He and Mr. Simpson split a case of malt liquor. Guys, he's really sick. Hello! That sounds like a pig fainting.

Uh-uh-uh. I've decided to protect myself. Ever since I was attacked in my office by an unidentified assailant. D'oh!

Now Sideshow Bob can't get in without me knowing. And once a man is in your home, anything you do to him... is nice and legal. Is that so? Oh, Flanders, won't you join me in my kitchen?

Bart, tell Dad I'll only pass the syrup if it won't be used on any meat product. You dunking your sausages in that syrup, homeboy? Marge, tell Bart I just want to drink a nice glass of syrup like I do every morning. Tell him yourself. You're ignoring Lisa, not Bart. Bart, thank your mother for pointing that out. Homer, you're not not talking to me. And, secondly, I heard what you said.

He just keeps rolling Well, I see President Fillmore is in the news again. Glug, glug, glug. What'll it be, boys? Just three X's for me.

So then I said to Woody Allen, "Well, Camus can do, but Sartre is smartre." So original. How droll. Yeah, well, Scooby-Doo can doo-doo, but jimmy Carter is smarter.

We've come for the angel, Homer. It's not safe with the unbeliever. It's gone! We're too late. Little girl, what have you done with our precious angel? Nothing! Someone must have stolen it.

Oh, that's it. You're through, Dean.

Maggie! It's me, Daddy! Daddy's gonna spend a lot more time with you. Yes, he is. Yes, he is! Where's Maggie? Where's Maggie?

The joys of mortgaging your future. Huh? My fantasy's come true! Hey, kid. You wanna see a dead body?

Homer, I found this behind the radiator. I really think you should throw it away. Suggestion noted. Marge, I'd like to be alone with the sandwich for a moment. Are you going to eat it? Yes.

Mojo. What have they done to you? Pray for Mojo.

Hi, I'm Gary Busey. (LAUGHING) I'm here to explain about restraining orders. The answers to all your questions are in this video.

Oh, we got Willie. Come on out so we can give you a medal. Way to go, Officer. Willie, stop! Away with ya. I got to finish him off while I'm still temporarily insane! No, you can't hurt Bart!

Hello, Simpson. I'm riding the bus because Mother hid my car keys... to punish me for talking to a woman on the phone. She was right to do it.

Anyway, we're gonna start with the fundamentals: playing a burning guitar with your teeth. All right! Fire! Mister Seltzer? Setzer. No, I think it's Seltzer. What is it, Homer?

That's good enough for me! Purple drapes! All my life I've wanted purple drapes!

Hi, Mom. Hi, Dad. Tough day at school, boy ? Bart, what happened to you ?

Teacher made me go to Principal Skinner's office when I was dirty.

Geez, what's with all the dust? My God! Everyone's gone!

Honey, you should've seen me with my last customer. I-- No, but I came so close. This guy waS-- Whose voice is that? Is that Fred? Ah, you said it was over! No, don't put him on! Hello, Fred. H-Hi.

Bonjour, you cheese-eatin' surrender monkeys.

I'm 40, I'm single, and I drink. There's a line in Othello about a drinker. "Now a sensible man, by and by a fool, and presently a beast."

Oh-Oh-Oh-Oh ! Over here ! Fallout Boy ! Oh, me, me ! Yes, you, the masked boy. Do you think the ghost of Dirk Richter... haunts the bordello where his bullet-riddled body was found ? Dirk Richter was a beautiful man. Can't you little vultures leave him alone ?

(GROANS) Oh, Father. You're dying again. But I can bring you back to life, sir. Son, it doesn't take five brains in your head to know that's a bad idea. You saw I'd become a monster and you stopped me like a man. I'm proud of you. And now it's time for me to go to hell.

How 'bout this? Nice work, Bart. How 'bout you, Lisa? I'll get it in a second. Don't worry. Oh! Of course. It's-- Yeah! Champion of the world! Answer this, Professor.

All for Silas. All for Silas.

Apple wine, apple whiskey, apple schnapps, apple martinis, uh, Snapple with vodka in it, apple nail polish remover-- Don't forget applesauce. Yeah. I suppose you could grind some pills into it.

Oh! Dirty diapers on strings! Ow! Ohh! Ohh! Ow! Ooh! Time to put this ordeal behind me.

Homie, remember that song we used to sing? ; Mock; Yeah. - J Bird J - Whatever. Homie, whets wrong?

How can I get her to notice me? Meet me at the tree house, Bart. And come alone.

Hi, Homer. I'm keepin' two of my fingers crossed... that you're gonna have that nuclear generator up to full power by tomorrow. Uh, yes, sir. No problemo. Good. By the way, Homer, what's your least favorite country? Italy or France? France. Nobody ever says Italy.

Ah, there's nothing like rising with the sun... for a quiet, peaceful dip in your very own pool. Whoo! Whoo! Ee-eew. Lisa, the blob has got me! Don't touch me, or it'll get you too!

No, Lisa. We're both in-- Go! Go! Go! Why do people run from me?

No. No, he can't be! I know. Maybe he's just acting stupid to infiltrate a gang of international idiots. Yeah, th-that's gotta be it. You destroyed that drug shipment? Yes, indeedy! That was my insulin! Uh-oh, SpaghettiOs!

Well, why don't you just move to, say, Bethesda?

I want my teddy. Ah, Bobo. Bobo.

Hmm? Mr. Burns, I think he's dead. Oh, dear. Send a ham to his widow. Mmm. Ham. No, wait. He's alive. Oh, good. Cancel the ham. D'oh!

The Itchy and Scratchy Show

Somewhere in this windy valley is the Lost Dutchman's Mine. Young man, that appears to be a picture of your rear end. So long, suckers! Aw! This is the last time I use an escape plan devised by Milhouse. Sorry, Bart.

Aww. Now, Homer, you were about to say something to me. You're off the team. What? He's just ribbin' ya, Monty. Yes. - Had you going there. - Guys.

and the honeymoon is going to be... murder.

You little-- Lisa, no! Your hands are too weak. Stop that. I'm gonna kill him. No, I'm killing him first.

"Nobody rocks like Bill and Marty on KBBL."

Mmm! Hamburger.

How much is this free resort weekend?

The guy who got fed into the wood chipper in Fargo? And when I hear You can't walk to Turkmenistan I say of course I can Screw you Hey, would you guys like tickets to the Independent Film Awards? Would we?

- Morning. - Good morning, dear.

Poke the monster with a stick! Tuppence a jab! Come on, queue up, lads.

But as for me, I'm off to battle aliens on a faraway planet. That sounds like a good movie. Yes. Yes, a-a movie. Yes. Hey, let's all hug Apu.

You gotta give me back my floor! My customers are walking around on the pipes. Hey, next time pay your bills. But I don't want to!

So, uh, um, should I sign my original name? just put an "X," then call yourself whatever the hell you want. Well, now, there's no need for profanity. My name may have changed, but I'm still the same man I was last week.

Ick, my mouth tastes like an ashtray.

Arr! Why buy a house... when ye can buy a houseboat? Excuse me.

While it has been established that eggs contain cholesterol, it has not yet been proven conclusively... that they actually raise the level of serum cholesterol in the human bloodstream. So one of those Egg Council creeps got to you too, huh? You got it all wrong, Homer. It's not like that. You'd better run, egg.

Oh, shush yourself.

I thought I told you to stay away from my sister! But your queen won't cut you slack Oh, here's 50 bucks. Take her to the Copa.

Hey, Homer! The section you're supposed to be monitoring is on fire! Clowns are funny.

I gotta call the plant and warn 'em. The fingers you have used to dial are too fat. To obtain a special dialing wand, please mash the keypad with your palm now. I'm gonna have to shut it down myself!

Can't get enough of youR love, baBe

Under the sea There'll be no accusations Just friendly crustaceans Under the sea Ah.

But you'll kill both of us. No. It's easy. Look. I've been practicing. I made a pigeon-rat. Let's get started. You wanna be on the right or the left?

I'm a sexual predator. Oh.

"Explosion imminent." Oh, my God! The plant's gonna explode!

Finally, Bart's one of us. Excelsior! Oh, Mindy, you came and you gave without flaking But I sent you BenGay Oh, Andy, you kissed me And stopped me from something And I-- Uh-oh.

I know I really shouldn't, but when am I gonna be here again? Whee! Well, if it isn't little--

I'm sorry we couldn't take A cab, but I spent my last Dollar on the plane tickets. Are we in India yet? No. Are we in India yet? No. Are we in India yet? No. Are we in India yet? No. Oh, wait... now we are.

and suddenly they're serving us this mysterious food called "Uterbraten"? Oh, relax, kids. I've got a "gut" feeling Uter's around here somewhere.

Dermott, jordan, Taylor, Brittany, Wesley, Rumor, Scout, Cassidy, Zoe, Chloe, Max, Hunter, Kendall, Caitlan, Noah, Sasha, Morgan, Kira, ian, Lauren, q-Bert, Phil.

Why did you think a big balloon would stop people? Shut up! That's why. Oh! What a horrible four months. Now to warn everybody!

Everybody up here to my square. It's safe and it's sexy. Oh, baby. Hurry, Charlie. There is not much time. I ain't goin' nowhere. I been in this square pert' near 30 seasons, and I ain't a-leavin' now.

Hi. You from the casino? I'm from a casino. Good enough. Let's go. I'm afraid Robert Goulet hasn't arrived yet, sir.

Hey, kids ! Who do you love ?

Why, you little-- I got you! Ho-- Homer, it's-- it's all just an act. Stop! Stop! He's already dead! Got him, sir! I got his leg.

In closing, you people must realize... that the public owns you for life, and when you're dead... You'll all be in commercials, dancing with vacuum cleaners.

You should have fired into the air. She would have run off.

Hm. Hm. Hm. Mmm! Mmm! Forbidden doughnut.

Well, hey, hey! You're Mel Brooks! Sure. I'll give you a ride! Thank you. On the way we can do that $2,000 man thing. You be Carl Reiner, and I'll be Police Chief Wiggum. Listen. Why don't you play Carl Reiner and let me play Police Chief Wiggum? I hate Carl Reiner!

That was unexpected. Well, reset the catapult, and let's get this over with. Wait! I have discovered more lines on the parchment. It says that the prohibition law which was passed here 200 years ago...

Angel? What the-- Should I cut him off? No. Let's see where this is going. And what do you have to tell us, O angel of the future? You're going to die in a skydiving accident. How tragic. Tell me more.

What he's typed will be a window into his madness. "Feelin' fine." Well, that's a relief.

Hmm, needs beer. Why, you little-- Stop it, Homer. That's inhumane. Use the choke chain. Fine!

Hey, Ma. I'm gonna get me a picture of this crazy critter. Ah!

i went through a five-year orgy of nonstop pills and booze, with nothing to show for it but four Emmys and a Peabody Award.

How do I look? (GRUNTING) HOMER: Ow! Oh, after my makeover, I'm gonna get you, boy!

Now, let's get home before your mother kills us. It's kind of humbling, isn't it? The music we just heard might never be heard again. Yeah. But it'll always live on... because we'll never forget it.

I mean, I did just star in my first movie with Marvin Hagler... and Tova Borgnine-- Yeah!

By the time he's done eating, he's too full and tired to care what I have to say. Wow, that's great! When Carl comes over, I'll stuff him till he don't know what's what. Seymour, I'm getting tired. Tell them we're going next. Well, I'm not principal of the line, Mother. And you never will be.

Ohh. Well, finally, a little luck.

Ow! Why did I get this LEGO shirt? Don't you mean "Blocko" shirt? Right, right. "Blocko" shirt.

Wow... chocolate, half-price! La la la-la-la-la-la Mr. Simpson. La-la-la-la-la Mr. Simpson? Huh? Oh, sorry. We were talking about chocolate? That was ten minutes ago. I think I did pretty good in there.

So this is my life. At least I've done better than Dad. Aw, geez! Milhouse, how could you let this happen?

Oh, I should be resisting this, but I'm paralyzed with rage... and island rhythms. Yeah, way to play the boss's head like a bongo, Homer. He's getting a pretty good sound out of that guy.

You'll get to see it as soon as we unveil our new ad campaign. Let me see! Let me see! Out of the way! Homer. Homer, wake up. There's still a few minutes till our usual bedtime. No. My invention!

Oh, yeah. I'm a real expert. What is that, a six-barrel Holley carb? You betcha. Edelbrock intakes? Nothin' but. Myohoff lifters? Oh, yeah. I made that last one up. I see.

Want a Duff? No, I'd like a bottle of Henry K. Duff's Private Reserve. Are you sure? 'Cause once I open the bottle, there's no refund. For your information I just made a cool $25 playing the market. Buy low, sell high-- that's my motto.

Hey, Lise. Want to try some satellite TV? Weve got Japanese Friends. w'w' f Theme Song] Do you like my new shirt? It says "Reggae Hairstyle Rock n’ Roll."

But the truth can be harsh and disturbing. How can that be considered beautiful?

I can't believe my little boy is already going on his first date. Sunrise, sunset

It's brilliant. Savagely honest, tender. He has the soul of a poet. You're very kind. Excuse me. Did something crawl down your throat and die? It didn't die.

Hi, kids! You've reached the Krusty Hotline. If you haven't asked your parents' permission-- naughty, naughty but Krusty forgives you. Two dollars for the first minute 50 cents for each additional minute.

A mattress? Uh-oh. Joan Collins must be in town. Oh, behave!

"I am disgusted with the way old people are depicted on television. "We are not all vibrant, fun-loving sex maniacs. "Many of us are bitter, resentful individuals... "who remember the good old days... "when entertainment was bland and inoffensive.

I was working in the lab late one night When My eyes beheld an eeRie sight doggone it! For my monster from his slab began to rise and suddenly to my surprise he did the maSh he did the monster Mash

Doh ! I... can't... breathe ! Too many... chil... dren.

jump with all your might. Ahh-- Oh, no. Willy didn't make it! And he crushed our boy! - Ugh! What a mess. - Oh! I don't like this new director's cut.

Shut up ! Shut up !

(ARTIE GRUNTING SOFTLY) SELMA: What the hell are you doing? I can't get my socks off. Ah, leave 'em on. I like a man with a little mystery. I'm done. My kinda man.

And for some reason, my hair and ear form an "M" and a "G."

Hmm. Do you suffer from diabetes? No. Well, you do now.

Homer, don't ever them personal stuff about me again! Yes, ma'am.

Swing Serenade is brought to you by Gorman's ear guards. Guard your ears! With Gorman's.

Hello, I was wondering if you'd like to babysit my little angels. Sorry, this isn't Abbie. This is her sister. I look after her now. No, Bart, put it down. Put it down, Bart. Bart, put it down.

All right, pal, where'd you get the sugar for that tea? I nicked it when you let your guard down for that split second. And I'd do it again. Good-bye.

For all my life When you're with me, baby the skies'll be blue For all my life Me and you and you and me No matter how they toss the dice it had to be

Something said. Not good.

Now, that is good labneh. I'm sorry, ma'am, but everything on the menu has fish in it. What about the bread? Does that have much fish in it? Yes. Well, I have some Tic Tacs in my purse-- Excellent choice. And for the gentleman?

There's something about flying a kite at night that's so unwholesome. Hello, Mother dear. That's it! We have to get them back to school. I'm with you, Marge. Lisa, get in here! In this house, we obey the laws of thermodynamics!

but I'm not some ogre.

Ahh. Nothin' beats a good porno movie. Chief Wiggum, is this a bust? Uh, yeah, that's just what it is-- a bust. That story isn't suitable for children. Really? I keep my pants on in this version. Eww. It's the Krusty the Clown...

And how about piping in some Tom jones music? That always cheers me up. what'S new, Pussycat whoa-oh-oh what's new, pussycat whoa-oh-oh-oh it's working! It's working!

But you've been going on about these all week. I'm sure he just forgot. Lisa, we're not supposed to see each other before the wedding. It's tradition.

The way people act around here, you'd think the streets were paved with gold. They are.

And a short temper. I'll show you a big, dumb, balding ape ! Uh-oh. Kwyjibo on the loose.

He's got a heartbreaking decision to make... about whether his best friend lives or dies. Eh. His best friend's a talking pie. Sold! Howard, you've done it again. These happy days are yourS and mine these happy days are yours and mine happy days

Uh, how are we gonna get out of here? We'll dig our way out! No, no. Dig up, stupid.

Our magazines and roach traps, gone. All gone.

Mr. Burns, we've got witnesses, precedent and a paper trail a mile long. Yes, well, I have 10 high-priced lawyers.

Homer, what are you doing? Listen, do you want the job done right or do you want it done fast? Well, like all Americans, fast. But-- Clear! Hmm. Well, you can't argue with results.

Tonight on Eye on Springfield, just miles from your doorstep, hundreds of men are given weapons and trained to kill. The government calls it the army. But a more alarmist name would be: The Kill-bot Factory-- But first,

- You're being completely paranoid. - Oh, am I? Am I really? Aha! Hello. All right, pal, where'd you get the sugar for that tea? I nicked it when you let your guard down for that split second. And I'd do it again. Good-bye.

I'll join! I'm filled with piss and vinegar. At first I was just filled with vinegar.

I am out of here! That's it! Go to your room! Look! It's Mrs. Potato Head. She has a head made out of lettuce. I can't believe I used to go out with you.

Grampa, we could write the scripts for you and split the money three ways. I don't know. I'd better sleep on it. Grampa? Grampa! Oh, why did you wake me? I was having the nicest dream.

$300 for doing nothing? I feel like such a crook. Don't worry. Gets easier every week.

(EXHALES) The Sword of Osiris. I once possessed the entire collection. Then I sold them all for opium. D'oh, how I wish I had them back to sell for more opium! Who did you sell the swords to? The fat man with sideburns. Like that one over there.

And if you're watching me, that means you've got pretzel fever. And not the kind that attacked my intestinal lining some years back.

Oh, nobody's visiting my Web page anymore. My counter is actually going down. Well, you can't post news if you don't have any. That's a great idea. I'll make up some news!

I guess that could be arranged. "The grace of the Lord Jesus be with God's people. The end." Wow. Wow. God does so much for me, and he doesn't ask anything in return. Well, I know he's wishin' you'd sign his petition...

I will send you every cent I earn for the baby but you will not see me again until I am a man.

Well, I'd like to thank you both for cooperating with-- Did you do it? Chief Wiggum, Homer and I are innocent.

This is horrible. The Fox network has sunk to a new low. Lisa, you got a letter. It's from my pen pal, Anya.

Thanks for your help with the anchor, guys. Guys? That pig looks like Lenny. Hey! Mmm! That's the next best thing to eating Lenny. I'm still hungry.

Hey, Homer, you're missin' out on some fun!

Whoo-hoo! This is the greatest day of my life! Ow!

Until you decide what's more important,

Is that robot break-dancing? No. He activated his self-destruct mechanism. Love can really be painful.

Where is he, Sprinkles? Come on. Let's get him. No, no. Not the piano. I can't play now. Ha! I may be blind, but you just ran into a closet. D'oh!

Stan Lee came back? Stan Lee never left. And I'm starting to think that his mind is no longer in mint condition. You broke my Batmobile! Broke, or made it better?

Ooh, boy, Flipsy! You and I are going on a road trip. Whoa!

What's really amazing is that... this is exactly what Dad said would happen. Yeah. Dad was right. I know, kids. I'm scared too.

The Weather Service has upgraded Springfield's blizzard... from winter wonderland to a class-three kill storm. I don't like the sound of that "class-three."

What do I get? The job of industrial chimney sweep for a day! Whoo-hoo! Whoa!

I'm Al Unser jr.! I'm Princess Margaret! I'm drunk!

Man, this thing's pretty gnarly. I bet you could throw a dead body in there and no one would ever find it. Otto, I'm gonna leap over Springfield Gorge on my skateboard. Huh. You know, Bart, as the only adult here, I feel I should say something. What ? Cool !

But, first, we all stink. We all-- Hey!

Remember kids, Drunken Cowboy brand whiskey is smooth as milk!

is not the way to have fun. Hey. Time for Brazil's favorite kids' show, Teleboobies. Clockwise. Counterclockwise. Where's your father? Kidnapped.

I beat the smart kids I beat the smart kids I bent my wookie.

But then, I rode 'em again.

f Homer's Voice f Lisa Simpson. f A nnouncer] i sure am hungry for my favorite food- f Homer's Voice] McNuggets. I dont like McNuggets. I'm a vegetarian. Still? Then you’re not gonna like your other present. Why, " my best friend- f Homer's Voice] Maggie.

This. You're not gonna hunt me for sport are you?

People from all walks of life: - doctors... Hi-yaah!! - homemakers... - Hu-yaah!! - landscape architects... - Huhh-yah!! - choreographers... - Haww.

You know, I was considering staying after school and helping teacher clean up. Ahh! Do you ever think anything you don't say? There is just no pleasing a girl like that! All that unnecessary behaving.

What the-- You earned how many credits without our permission?

Clue. Clue. That's it. Oh, Mr. Pigeon, I'd kiss you if you weren't swimming with disease.

I've got something for you. "Let's be friends." It says "bee," and there's a picture of a bee on it! I thought you'd like it.

Oh, my hero! At your service, milady. Cara mia.

Kill! Kill! Great game, Lise. Great game, Bart.

Seth, Munchie, they can destroy our bodies and our ponchos, but they can never silence our song of protest. UptowN girl she'S been living in her white bread world Come on, guys.

recall Alice Mornin', Ned. Pucker up, Ned. And the Red queen's

Either way, your planet is doomed. Doomed!

Hey, what's the problem here ? We were fighting over which one of us loves you more. You were ? Aw, well, go ahead. You love him more. No, you do. No, I don't. Yes, you do ! You better get this out of your system right now ! I don't want you embarrassing me at my boss's picnic.

Here, Mother. Let me help you. Get your hands off me! - Please, Mom. - You too, stranger! I'm your son. I have no son. Look, lady, you obviously have at least one son. No! I have one stranger and one fraud. Take it easy, Mom. I said, back off!

Hens love roosters geese love ganders everyone else loves Ned Flanders Not me! Everyone who counts loves Ned Flanders

They're dogs, and they're playing poker! Aaah!

Okay, Son. Just remember to have fun out there today. And if you lose, I'll kill you! Dad.

I know that I got you mad once in a while. D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh!

Maggie, call Aquaman!

You? Nonsense. You're Troy McClure. I remember you from such films as Meet joe Blow... and Give My Remains to Broadway.

We're the performers you thought were dead Like Bonnie Franklin and Adrian Zmed Branson's the place we can always be found They took Nick at Nite and made it a town

but these last few days as that hotheaded rogue Armin Tamzarian... have taught me a thing or two. You know, maybe I've been a little too uptight in the past. Well, from now on, you're gonna see a new Seymour Skinner. Oh, no, we won't! Yes, Mother.

Oh, yes, Kodos. Earth is now ripe for the plucking.

What's the matter ? I would think you'd be used to failing by now. No, you don't understand. I really tried this time. I really tried. There, there. This is as good as I can do, and I still failed.

If you'll just open that door, you'll see the next mayor of Springfield. Nice. Very nice. What'd it say? No, no, no.

Okay. Let's get started. Oh! - Hey, wake up. - Sorry. Now read the first line. "I... ate... pee-pee."

just doing my job.

I knew it. If only I had nagged more. God is angry. We've made a false idol of this Brad Goodman. No. You must not blame yourself, Reverend. You must blame that little boy. He started it all. Get him! Eep.

Tonight on Eye on Springfield, opening day at the world's first two-story Outhouse. Oh, God! Stop!

you can just pull up the anchor and sail someplace else.

Whoa ! You certainly have a lot of bowling trophies. I like you so much. They're not for bowling, Marge. You're so naive. They are for lovemaking. Really ? Yes.

a Matlock Expressway!

Shut up! Mom, that was incredible.

I stand by my ethnic slur! Do your worst, you filthy, pretentious savages!

What happened to you, China? You used to be cool. Hey, China is still cool. You pay later! Later! Solid. The rest of you, go on home and look in your mailboxes... 'cause I totally remember sending checks out. Mm-hmm.

I have a question for Apu de BeaumarchÉ.

Fly, my pretties, fly! Continue the research. Thanks for poisoning the planet, bastard. Get bent. No more Chernobyls!

Now let's take a look at a young Charles Bronson's brief stint... replacing Andy Griffith in The Andy Griffith Show. Where's Otis? He's not in his cell. - I shot him. - Well, that's a-- What? Now I'm goin' down to Emmett's fix-it shop-- to fix Emmett.

Dad, remember when Tom had you in that headlock... and you screamed, "I'm a hemophiliac," and when he let you go you kicked him in the back? Yeah? Will you teach me how to do that? Sure, boy.

I feel like celebrating.

Talking while the TV's on can't be good for you. You should get your eyes checked. I'm taking Bart to the mall to buy camping supplies. Why don't you come along? Nah. I wanna enjoy this show before the network retools it. How can I organize this modeling agency... and still be a good single father?

Homer, give him what he wants! - Oh, Barney, leave me alone. - Whoops! Uh-oh.

QuÉ malo. Once again, I must sugar my own churro.

Children, we have tabulated your votes. The king and queen of Springfield High School's class of 1974... are-- Artie Ziff and Marge Bouvier. Oh, isn't she great ? Hail Queen Marge ! Whoo ! Whoo ! Long live the queen !

Hey, Homer, you wanna get a beer on the way home? I can't. I gotta take my wife to the ballet. Gonna go see the bear in the little car, huh? Hmm? Mmm, invisible cola.

It's ZZ Top! You guys rock! Eh, maybe a little.

We're gonna roll this truckin' convoy Across the U.S.A.

Marge, it's a real pleasure. You got any leads? I need some leads. Please, help me. That's enough, Gill. Don't drag her down with you.

Anybody here have herpes? Huh? Huh? You people are the worst audience I've ever seen. Well, you're the worst comedian we've ever seen! Oh, great! Well, we'll just sit here silently for the next 90 minutes. Fine with us.

and prodded me with humiliating probes. And then-- Oh, wait. That was my physical. Great story, Homer. Really. The alien has a sweet, heavenly voice, like Urkel. And he appears every Friday night... like Urkel!

And you stir it all about You add a lot of lovin' and you serve it to your cat That's what it's all... Snowball III?

Welcome, friend. I'm Number Six. I'm number 15. What number are you? I am not a number! I am a man! And don't you ever-- Oh, wait. I'm Number Five. Ha, ha! In your face, Number Six! Yes. Well done.

Now then, I am looking for a suitable young male heir... to leave my fortune to when I pass away. My vast, vast, vast fortune. Vast. Auditions will be tomorrow at my estate.

When I grow up, I wanna be a lardo on workmen's comp, just like Dad. I wash myself with a rag on a stick.

O Canada Order. Order. Do you kids want to be like the real U.N.,

Stupid driving test at the stupid D.M.V. where stupid Patty and stupid Selma work! Sometimes I think God is teasing me. just like he teased Moses in the desert. Tested, Homer. God tested Moses.

Who used my chap stick?

I got the idea when I noticed the refrigerator was cold.

Oh, well, we lost the money but we've still got each other. Hey, the dog's dead.

Now, when the wealthy dowager comes in, the party's over, right? Wrong! Kill wealthy dowager. Uh, burn that seat.

I'd do anything for keg-meister julius. So I cooked up a phony awards show.

Will there be beer? Beer is not allowed. Homer no function beer well without. Would you rather have beer or complete and utter contentment? What kind of beer?

What would my parents think of me now? Make us proud, Son. Never forget who you are. Don't make the same mistake I did. Oh, forgive me, Mother. Father, I've failed you.

I'm sergeAnt pepper's lonely hearts club man I hope I Will enjoy my show Lisa. Lisa!

That quilt was made by my grandmother!

My friends call me Bleeding Gums. Ew! How'd you get a name like that? Well, let me put it this way. You ever been to the dentist? - Yeah. - Not me. I suppose I should go to one.

Why would you do that? How am I gonna get home?

Why, there are no children here at the 4-H Club either. Am I so out of touch? No. It's the children who are wrong.

You're nothing but a pack of fickle mush-heads. He's right. Give us hell, Quimby. Born free

If we don't watch these, it's like we're stealing TV. Do you love that sweet smell of Farmer Billy's bacon? Do I ever?

What's the matter, Ned? I-- I think I hate Homer Simpson. Marge, I think I hate Ted Koppel. No, wait. I find him informative and witty. Night.

He's a little boy lost in a game of men. Should we bet against them? I'd bet my entire college fund on it. Moe, $23 on New York.

I didn't order a baloney sandwich! I ordered an abalone sandwich! I don't know what Mom's thinking.

Uh, I gotta go. As much as I hate that man right now, you got to love that suit.

- Whoa-a-a-aaah ! - A-a-a-aaah ! Wh-o-o-o-a ! Bitchin' !

Number of messages received: zero. We really want to thank you, Mr. Simpson. Ah, no problem, guys. The important thing is that we wrapped up all the loose ends. So, in conclusion, good luck on tomorrow's big final exam.

I got this in the Second World War II. Back then I was known as Sergeant Simpson,

Hey, buddy, where's your date ? She's with him. Ouch ! So I guess you want me to take you home, huh ? Hey, I paid for this car, I paid for this tuxedo... and I paid for the two dinners. - We're going to the prom. - Prom it is.

A man who's not afraid to cry. Hey, Ned! So that's why you maced me. Yeah.

The mummy's ready for his mystical journey! Aaah! What's happening? That Quimby fella promised to build us... a Matlock Expressway! How you gonna top that, smart guy? Hmm, well, how's this?

Are you crazy? I'm not gonna be a surrogate mother.

Sure you were, Apu. You know what, Lisa? Paul and Linda are vegetarians too. In fact, Linda has her own line of vegetarian entrÉes. Apu, I'm sure the last thing they want to talk about is-- We weren't satisfied with the other vegetarian meals on the market. You'd be surprised how often you'd find a big hunk of pork in them.

You're doing it wrong! You gotta pet him hard so he can feel it. Look, look, look! The doggy sneezed! Ha! It thinks it's people. Oh, smoochie. Here, poochie, poochie, poochie! My geode must be acknowledged.

I'm so happy with my evil plan Say goodbye to music gym and art Soon we will have the perfect school Where fun and excitement never start

You mean the wig sphere. You're welcome to go up there... if you want to see 16,000 boxes of unsold wigs. Now, are you gentlemen gonna buy some wigs or ain't ya?

Homer, do something. The ceiling's not a safe place for a young baby. All right, I got it. Come on. Get off the-- Bad baby!

Take it easy, folks. It's "snow" picnic out there. I "snow" what you mean. You're deadweight, Marty.

Any red-blooded, flag-feeding American would love... the M-320. Celebrate the independence of your nation by blowing up a small part of it.

We can wipe out B.C. in our lifetime.

Hey! Down in front! Nein!

Dad, I'm so sorry. I know I haven't been a perfect kid.

looking for another all-you-can-eat fish restaurant. And when you couldn't find one? We went fishing. Do these sound like the actions of a man... who had "all he could eat"? No! That could've been me!

Do you want to ignite my drink? You're kid's teacher. Single parent, are we? No. Let's pretend you are. Get away from me.

Bart Simpson's office. Thank the great, good Lord. I was just sa-- One moment, please! Who do they think I am, some stupid Aussie drongo? Bleedin' Yanks. I oughta-- - This is Bart Simpson. Can I help you, ma'am? - Hey! My name is Bruno Drundridge, right? You owe me $900, mate!

You left your damn porch light on. Barney ! Homer's not made of money, you know.

- You're Darryl Strawberry. - Yes. You play right field. Yes. I play right field too. So? Are you better than me? Well, I've never met you, but... yes.

Hey, open up! I've been standing here all morning! Hey, Homer. What are you doing at work? The plant's closed for fumigation. Uh-oh.

Now drop and give me 20. No! Better.

Wonder where this river goes. I've got a map. Monkey. Now, according to animal crackers, there's no river here. Eh-- Stay in the boat, Homer.

It's called McBain: Let's Get Silly. Did you ever notice how men always leave the toilet seat up? That's the joke. You suck, McBain! Now, my Woody Allen impression.

I found a moon rock in my nose. Houston, we have a booger.

"My name is Clara. I've known Luke for more than five days." Excuse me. Is this the way to the Lazy I Ranch?

Well, Seymour, you are an odd fellow, but I must say you steam a good ham. Help! Help!

Stupid dog. No ! Stay away. This is not for you. This is Homer food.

Mau! Didi mau! I'm getting a cramp in my wrist! Oh, boo-hoo. After all the times I've done it, my wrist sounds like a cement mixer. Ow! Come on, Seymour. - Mau! Didi mau! - Ow!

What are you gonna change your name to when you grow up? - Lois Sanborn. - Steve Bennett.

D-oh ! D-oh ! D-oh !

On May 21, 1864, the men of the 9th Bearded Infantry were sunning... and fluffing their beards in the sun. Suddenly, enemy troops crested that hill over there. Fort Springfield, we surrender unconditionally. We're sick. We need leeches...

I can't believe it! Uncle Slam has defeated Osama Bin Rotten! Uh-oh! Here comes Secretary of Hate Colin Kapow! He's dropping sanctions! By which I mean anvils!

Let's get ready to rumble!

Is it a crime to be illiterate ? All right, all right. See this, Krusty ? This is a B. And this is Exhibit B. Betting slips-- obtained by this court indicating you have lost... substantial sums of money on sports gambling. Is it a crime to bet on sporting events ? Yes, it is ! Oh.

Call me old-fashioned, but movies were sexier when the actors kept their clothes on. Vilma Banky did more with one raised eyebrow than an entire-- Warning. Problem in sector 7-G. Good God! Who's the safety inspector there? Uh, Homer Simpson, sir. Simpson, eh?

It's called the Coriolis Effect. No way. Water doesn't obey your rules. It goes where it wants. Like me, babe. Yes, Bart. Why don't you try it and see?

Night, Mr. Gibson. Night, Gus.

Hey, Homer, you're missin' out on some fun!

Too-ra-loo-ra-loo-ra Too-ra-loo-ra-li Wiggum forever! Barney never! Wiggum forever! Barney never! Wiggum forever!

Do you know the Heimlich Maneuver ? No. Good. I think she likes my present better. Does not. Does not. Does not. Does too. Does too. Then how come she's not putting on any of your perfume ? Yeah. Hey, Mom. How come you're not putting on any of my perfume ?

Get back here, boy. You're a disgrace to this family, and its proud naval tradition. Well, I'm keeping this earring, and you can't stop me! Oh. I always thought Lisa would be the one to get her ears pierced. Can I? No!

You told me with the way you slump your shoulders, the way you talk into your chest, the way you smother yourself... in bargain-basement lime-green polyester. I want you to say to yourself: "I deserve this. I love it. I am nature's greatest miracle !" - Go ahead, say it. Trust me, Homer. - I-- I-- I, er--

Oh, no! He's going over the falls! Oh, good. He snagged that tree branch. Oh, no! The branch broke off. Oh, good. He can grab onto them pointy rocks. Oh, no. Them rocks broke his arms and legs!

Got it! No shock for me! Oh, yeah? Whoa! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!

Bye-didilly-eye! So long! God bless you! - See ya! - Good-bye! Bye-bye, Homer! Take care! Adios! So long! Fare thee well! Arr! Bon voyage! Toodle-oo! Uh, so long! Bye-bye! Ta-ta! Bye, everybody! Bye-bye! Sayonara, dudes. So long! Bye-bye!

Oh, Bart. I dreamed I was married to Corey and we lived on a pony farm and Corey was always walking around with his shirt off. Oh, brother.

ASHLEY: "The Harpooned Heart by Marge Simpson." Your turn, Mary-Kate. MARY-KATE: "There once was a girl from Nantucket. "Her name was Temperance Barrows. "And her heart was heavy with feeling." Take it, Ashley. ASHLEY: "Temperance was trapped in a loveless marriage." Bummer. I didn't know people were sad in the past.

Oh, there's something I used... to do in this situation, but can't remember. Ha-- ho?

I felt this incredible surge of power... like God must feel when he's holding a gun.

Mmm. Doughnut? No, thanks. Do you have any fruit? This has purple stuff inside. Purple is a fruit.

That doesn't make sense. I know you are, but what am I? Get out! Get out! Okay! But on my way, I'm gonna be doing this. If you get hit, it's your own fault. Okay, then I'm gonna start kicking air like this.

Bart! Where'd you get that shirt? I don't know. Came out of the closet. Uh... huh.

I'm gonna make it!

Ho ho ho. Ho ho ho. Ho ho ho. Ho ho ho. What is it now, Simpson ? Uh, when do we get paid ? Not a dime till Christmas Eve ! Now, from the top. Ho ho ho. Ho ho ho.

After them, men, into the temporarily dry sea. Aw, nuts.

Question? Can I smell your dress? Hey, you show some respect. This one here's not for smellin'. Why thank you, Jack. No problem. Now, let's paint. Hey, can I smell your clothes?

She'll be cracking rocks by the end of the week. You glorified night watchman let her go! But she broke the law. Thanks for the civics lesson. If Marge Simpson goes to jail I can kiss the chick vote good-bye and if I go down, you're breaking my fall! Quimby, don't write checks your butt can't cash.

One of the stills-- Uh, nothing, Marge. I think it must've been that bean I had for dinner. Kaboom! Blam! Oh, excuse me again, dear. Homer, there's no point in pretending you're making those noises.

To my executor, Lionel Hutz, I leave $50,000. Mr. Hutz! You'd be surprised how often that works. You really would.

Itchy and Scratchy seem to have lost their edge. Oh, I think it conveys a very nice message of sharing. I think it sucks. Oh, hey, thank you, Maggie.

Folks, this is your captain speaking. Our nonstop flight to Tahiti will be making a brief layover in North Haverbrook. North Haverbrook. Where have I heard that name before? Oh, no. Oh, no! There he is-- seat 3-F!

They started it! Oh! You saved me, Reverend.

We're down to mood lightin' here. All right, all right. Mellow out, everybody. The captain'll know what to do.

The strong must protect the sweet. The sweet-- Homer? In America, first you get the sugar, then you get the power, then you get the women. Homer! Huh?

We got some real good toy commercials comin' right up. I swear.

You are going to crash and burn, my fatheaded friend. See? We're still friends. Come on. Give us a cuddle.

Stampy! Stampy, where are you, boy? Huh? These prehistoric creatures blundered into the tar pits,

Hey, kid, wake up. Who are you? I'm Laura, your new neighbor. You all right? She's beautiful. Say something clever. I fell on my bottom. D'oh!

Oh, but, Marge, am I doomed to spend the rest of my life sweating like a pig? Yeah, not to mention lookin' like a pig, eatin' like a pig-- Don't forget the smell. Will you get off my front lawn? Why don't you make me? Why? Oh, I give up. Well, don't worry about me, Dad.

My dad's asleep. Want a beer? I don't know. The S.A.T.'s are tomorrow. I've got two words for you. Mellow out, man.

Now, I know I haven't been the best jew, but I rented Fiddler on the Roof, and I will watch it. - Anyway, can I have $40,000? - Hmm?

Marge, what are you doing? It's lunchtime. I'll just be a minute. I have to finish this paperwork. Marge, Marge, Marge, let's file this under "R"... for arrivederci. Where does it go? Don't worry, baby. The tube'll know what to do.

Well, Kent, as of now, the death count is zero, but it is ready to shoot right up. Oh, my God! Damn you, snow! All right! Snow day! No school tomorrow. That doesn't mean you don't have to do your book report. What if the weatherman is wrong?

I feel like liver and onions. Mmm.

There we go. That's the last I'll see of Mr. Trampoline. Yep, it's finally gone. D'oh!

Forget it! Sacrificing animals is barbaric. Now have the slaves kill the wounded.

They're like kangaroos, but they're reptiles, they is. We have them in America. They're called bullfrogs. What? That's an odd name! I'd have called them chazwazzers!

Oh! She won't hold! She's breaking up! All done. If you survive, please come again.

I had to tell Mr. Burns you had violent diarrhea. Oh! Couldnt you come up with a less embarrassing lie? But you did have violent diarrhea.

Well, if I'm guilty of anything, maybe it's caring too much. I'm Bart Simpson. Stop talking like that. Stop it. Lisa, please. You've absolutely no reason to be jealous. You're still a very important part of Bart's show.

Prostitution, loan sharking, numbers--

There we go. And we'll skip right ahead to the Kill-O-Tine.

In that case, I sentence you to a lifetime of horror on Monster Island. Don't worry. It's just a name. He said it was just a name! What he meant is that Monster Island is actually a peninsula.

Sending your chick a valentine, huh? Yep. johnny?

The lemon tree's gone! And the tracks appear to lead into Shelbyville! Oh, look. A clue. A candy bar wrapper. Oh! They're always eating candy in Shelbyville. They love the sweet taste. We gotta get that tree back! You mean, going to Shelbyville? We'll never make it out alive.

Ping Ping just asked Sim Sim to marry him, and I think she just said yes. Aw. Ha! You ain't goin' nowhere, cutie.

MARGE: Together, we broke the biggest story of the semester. One of the cafeteria workers was spitting in the soup. I'll teach you to give me my first job out of prison. (SPITS) When we published the story, we received the school's highest award.

I'll save Homer! All I needs is four stout men to work the bellows.

Nobody breathe my air! Get your own! (BREATHING HEAVILY) Why you selfish little maggot, I'll suck your lungs dry! Knock it off! (ALL BREATHING HEAVILY) MAN: Okay...

love is such A sweet thing good enough to eat thing Sorry, but the punishment stands.

I haven't seen this much flesh since Elke Sommer's hot tub party. Seriously, Elke's great. Always there for sick kids. Doin' great things. Okay. Let me check the specs. Ah, my vision is coming to life.

Oh, my god! Look at the-- Ooh! Erotic cakes.

Awesome! So long, suckers!

Hmm. Barney's movie had heart, but Football in the Groin had a football in the groin. Don't cry for me. I'm already dead. Wow. I'll never drink another beer. Beer here! I'll take 10.

Well, duh. He's breathtaking. But Bart has inner beauty, like you'd find in a rodent.

Oh, really? Then play some rock music. Come on, Bart! The Coast Guard's covering the "Doo"! A do-do-do-do-do A do-do-do-do-do A do-do-do-do-do A do-do

Yes. This is Homer Simpson from America. Who may I say is speaking to me? Hello, chief. Let's talk. Why not?

Aw, isn't that cute? He's trying to claw my eyes out.

This is the greatest thrill of my life. I'm king of the world !

I came down a little early, and, uh, well, uh, I saw a burglar and he was-- he took-- he got all our stuff. Including the tree. We were robbed?

With us tonight are plant owner C.M. Burns, union kingpin Homer Simpson... and talk show mainstay Dr. Joyce Brothers. I brought my own mike! Yes. Well. Homer, organized labor has been called a lumbering dinosaur. My director is telling me not to talk to you anymore. Whoo-hoo!

I'm sure I'm alive, but why?

Millions of them!

Excuse me. I'm looking for... Wait a minute. I know that voice. If it isn't little Bart Simpson! I haven't seen you in years. That's right. That's my pop. Oh, little Bart. We hear all about your monkeyshines.

and put all the collection plates in the dishwasher. And you wouldn't believe how many dead pigeons there were in the organ. Marge, you are a real time-saver. Do you know, thanks to you, I've rediscovered a form of shame... that's gone unused for 700 years? Wow! Lovejoy here. Reverend, this is Principal Skinner.

First, I lower the capsule top, thusly.

so it's up to you. Look in your heart. I think you'll see what you want.

Ahoy. Have you seen this man? Arr! That's Handsome Pete. He dances for nickels. Pete, ye got some customers.

Wake up, everybody! It's World War III!

Where's my elephant? Where's my elephant? Where's my elephant? Where's my elephant? Hey, they're playing "The Elephant Song." I love that. Reminds me of elephants.

Feng shui? I thought that was just a trick to sell crappy end tables to the West. Just put this hook in his nostril and pull. (SCREAMING)

Tie game? What the hell? This is outrageous! Oh, I've never been so proud of them. Ahhh. They're both losers. Losers!

How could someone abuse their body that way? Moe, don't throw out that brine.

queen of the mysterious East.

(ALL SCREAMING) (GIANT FISH GULPS)

Uh-huh. Uh, what region? Uh, upstate New York. Really. Well, I'm from Utica, and I've never heard anyone use the phrase "steamed hams." Oh, not in Utica. No. It's an Albany expression. I see.

the eighth being Gomer Pyle's heavenly singing voice--

Homer, we took our chips out years ago. Really? Then why do you still work here? We've learned to accept the things we cannot change and steal everything that's not nailed down. (GRUNTS) I hope you won't judge us harshly. I'll be back for tall kitchen bags.

Now, my dear. If you look in your champagne, I think you'll find a little surprise. Not to worry. I believe there's another one around here somewhere. OOh! Yes. My darling,

Yabba-dabba-doo! Simpson, Homer Simpson He's the greatest guy in history

My old neighborhood. Hmm. "Oh, yes. Oh, yes. "Capitol City's nakedest ladies. "They're not even wearing a smile. "Nod suggestively. Yes, six. Count 'em.

Mr. Plow. This might sound silly, but just for a change, would you mind-- Cutting my nails? Brushing my teeth? No, no. Could you wear the Mr. Plow jacket? just, uh, for fun.

Oh, grow up, Lise.

Oh, yeah ? We'll just see about that. D'oh ! Homer ! I want A word with you in Santa's workshop. - Cover for me, Elfie. - Don't kill me, dad. I didn't know it was you. Nobody knows. It's a secret. I didn't get my bonus this year. But to keep the family from missing out on Christmas, I'd do anything.

Two plus two is four. Two plus two is four. Two plus two is four. I can see why this is so popular. Look at him.

In that case, he should've made the week an hour longer. Lousy God. And the very same goes for Ezekiel, which brings us back to our starting point, "the Nine Tenets of Constancy." Damn it!

My dog's name is Santa's Little Helper. One time he crawled under the house, and when he came out, he was covered with ants. Then he ran into a church and drank all the holy water. Wow! Thank you, Bart. Great job. I knew the dog before he came to class.

Boring! Come on, you schnorrers! Do something! Halfback passes to the center. Back to the wing. Back to the center.

Oh, dear God. I call our product li'l Lisa's Patented Animal Slurry. It's a high-protein feed for farm animals, insulation for low-income housing, a powerful explosive and a top-notch engine coolant. And best of all, it's made from 100% recycled animals.

The next day, Hugh goes back to England, and you never see him again.

Ruth Powers was tried in Springfield Superior Court. The judge dismissed her ex-husband's auto theft charges... and forced him to pay all back child support. Mr. Powers blamed the outcome on his lawyer, one Lionel Hutz. Lionel Hutz, a.k.a. Miguel Sanchez, a.k.a. Dr. Nguyen Van Thoc,

Boy, he didn't want to let go of that!

Are you sure you don't wanna go to a doctor?

Wow, Dad. You're really working hard. Yes, I gotta work hard, honey. Daddy made a lot of "crazy promises." I'm really proud of you, Homie, but can the garbageman really do all the things you said? Oh, the garbageman can, Marge. The garbageman can.

I won't be coming in tomorrow. Religious holiday. The, uh, Feast of Maximum Occupancy. Pretty slick.

john Wilkes Booth. Blackbeard the Pirate. john Dillinger. And the starting line of the 1976 Philadelphia Flyers.

must be pure gold! Let's watch some more of those fabulous Simpsons outtakes. Apu living with the Simpsons? It happened. And here's a scene you didn't see. I'm hoping you enjoy this movie. It made every Indian critic's Top 400 list.

Hmm. (GIGGLES) Okay, one quick snuggle. Is there any other kind?

You guys work on the movie? You're sayin' we're not working? Oh, I always wanted to be a Teamster. So lazy and surly. Mind if I relax next to ya?

Oh, wait a minute. Actually, a woman is more like a beer.

This technology is new to me, but I'm pretty sure... that's Homer Simpson in the oven rotating slowly. His body temperature has risen to over 400 degrees. He's literally stewing in his own juices.

One snow angel coming up! Huh? Oh, why does that always happen?

Is Milhouse okay? Uh... I'll be right back. Help! Help!

And I've got to share that gift with the world. Ow! Get her out of here.

Well, that was wonderful. A good time was had by all. I'm pooped. Yes. I should be-- Good Lord! What is happening in there? Aurora borealis.

Next up, Homer and his amazing Redenbacher Dreamcoat... with a number he calls "Kernel knowledge." I'm hot buttered check it and see I got A fever of 453 I'm hot so very hot

Come on, over this way. Hey, girls, look at me! You can stop looking at me now. Ooh!

I'm trying to get-- Is that it ? This is a videotape for my daughter Maggie. Hi, Maggie. I'm speaking to you from beyond the grave. Woooooh ! Hope that didn't scare you.

Whoa, that was the caller from hell. Well, hot dog, we have a "Wiener."

"I guess you could say it's my racket." I guess you could say I'm Iraqi. Get off my property.

memories sweetened through the ages, just like wine...

or I'd have looked quite the fool, an April fool, as it were. Hey, kid, that's for customers only. Uh, did you know there's a guy outside handing out free Stri-Dex pads?

Of course, for safety reasons, we don't keep the cannon loaded. It's just common sense. Otto, why don't you get some more gas? Here's the credit card. Ooh. And a mint for afterwards.

If I'd hit the "remorse" button one more time, I would have made it. Ah, Bart, I gotta go. See you around. I am thinking you like this girl, yes? How did you know? My ceiling mirrors and video cameras... sometimes see more than who is about to shoot me.

Why does Jesus have a lasso? 'Cause he's all man. Money changed. Get your money changed right here in the temple.

Please don't make me stay, Dad. I'll do anything you say. I'll find religion. I'll be good sometimes. Let go of my leg. No! Son, for the last time, you're staying at military school. And so am I. This school has everything I ever wanted. Lisa, no! This place is just a jail for children.

Checkmate, Mr. Trampoline. Oh!

Marge is not the only one who can have a girls' night out. Oh, no can do, Homer. I'm watching the game. Shave up not down, you idiot. Ooh, sounds delish. Let me just toss some jeans on and-- Wait a minute. Who is this? Well, howdilly dodilly-do. Hello?

Please identify this object. It appears to be the flag which disappeared from the public library last year. Correct. Now, we all know the 13 stripes are for good luck. But why does the American flag have precisely 47 stars? Because this particular flag is ridiculously out-of-date.

Out of the way, Tubby! Well, pardon me, Oldie Hawn. Why, you ill-mannered sack of crap! Oh, goody. Now I know whatever happened to Baby Jane.

Really? You have children? Oh, well, look. Here's some money. No. I don't want your pity or your money. Usually when you say that, you give the money back. I do what now? Yoink! Listen, boy. I was wondering if you could use a little more fatherly attention.

"Vent radioactive gas?" Y-E-S. "Sound alertness horn?" Y-E-S. "Decalcify calcium ducts?" Well, give me a "Y." Give me a-- Hey. All I have to type is "Y."

Why don't you buy it? I can't buy that. Only management-type guys with big salaries like me can afford things like that. Guys like me! I'm a guy like me! All right, team, it's the fourth quarter. The Lord gave us the atoms, and it's up to us to make 'em dance.

I gotta get back to bed. What happened? Where's Christmas?

Ah, geez. Will you look at that? Hmm? What have we become? We've given the word "mob" a bad name.

There's nary an animal alive that can outrun a greased Scotsman.

but who here has the guts to stop me?

They took my money, they wrecked my show, they buried a bunch of stinking veterans in my family plot, but at least I still got my memories. Those are locked up safe in my fabulous mansion.

Homer, those were our personal vegetables.

We didn't all go to Gudger College. It's dignity! Gah! Don't you even know dignity when you see it? - Kirk, you're spitting! - Okay, genius, why don't you draw dignity? Oh, that's dignity, all right! That's great!

Today Mounties busted a major American drug smuggling ring. Former US astronaut, Homer Simpson, was taken into custody. Oh, my butt looks so huge during perp walks.

The point is I want you to stop making these calls. All right, Mom. I promise you will never be billed for another call. Bobby Sherman.

from the classic joyless miser brooding in his cavernous mansion-- Bah! Bah! Bah! Bah! Grasping a glass of brandy with his thin, clawlike fingers... and a superior smirk on his greedy, soulless face.

Ooh, the Seinfeld diner. Are you nuts? I'm on in five seconds!

Oh, what a bleak, horrible future we live in! Don't you mean "present"? Right, right. Present.

Oh, Miss Krabappel. Oh, your hair smells so... clean. Master, you are needed in the kitchen.

Ahh, it got boring. I'm really into this cup and ball now. Whoa! Wow!

Oh, hey, thank you, Maggie. Mmm, this really hits the spot. Doesn't it, though ? You make really good lemonade, Scratchy. Thank you, Itchy. Wasn't that funny, boys and girls ? Well, wasn't it ?

the home of the-e-e-e-e-e-e Bra-a-a-a-a-a-ve

You! Home wrecker! Mr. Simpson, you have every right to be angry. But rest assured, your son loves you. You certainly gave that boy the heebie-jeebies.

No. That would be impolite. I say we kill him!

They don't call me Springfield Fats... just because I'm morbidly obese. Now you got a lawsuit on your hands. just kidding. What's wrong, Jeremiah? It's not fair. My brother joseph has a sin to confess. I wish I had one too.

Not me Ahh. Everything really wrapped up nicely. Hmm. Much quicker than usual. I guess we've learned that happiness is wherever you find it. And we've all found happiness, every one of us.

Oh, I can't go to jail! I got a swanky lifestyle. I'm used to the best. Krusty, this is America. We don't send our celebrities to jail. We're just going to garnish your salary. Garnish my celery? Please, Krusty. No jokes. Who's joking? Oh, I don't know what you're saying.

Wow. That saxophone would make a great pipe.

I'm a little teapot short and stout Here is my handle Here is my spout

Huh? Donuts. Is there anything they can't do?

More asbestos ! More asbestos !

That certainly justifies attempted murder.

Hi, Lisa. Are you all right? No doubt. Can't a girl fabulize herself before the big dance? Your earlobe's bleeding. Oh. So, I guess major muffins like yourselves all have dates, huh?

Springfield, Springfield it's a helluva town The school yard's up and the shopping mall's down The stray dogs go to the animal pound Springfield, Springfield Springfield Springfield New York, New York New York is thataway, man. Thanks, kid.

I guarantee it. One. One. One! Bah! I'll just pay for the blasted liposuction. Whoo-hoo!

The easiest way to be popular... is to leech off the popularity of others. So we propose changing our name from Springfield to Seinfeld.

But I'm not going to. Uh, why ? Simpson, how old do you think I am ? Uh, I don't know. A hundred and two ? I'm only 81. You may find this hard to believe, but in my salad days... my crowning glory was a bright shock of strawberry blond curls.

and sent me to this dank, urine-soaked hellhole? Uh, we object to the term "urine-soaked hellhole"... when you could have said "peepee-soaked heckhole."

You shoo, Barney Gumble. Well, I can still hang out with you guys. Sorry. I got a baseball game in 15 minutes. And I've got a rally for Take Back the Afternoon. So, the tables have turned! Now you're the shut-in, and I'm the hip young dude!

You don't? 'Cause that's what I said. Tell her, Bart. Shut up! Shut up! We better check with a doctor.

Money gets you one more round Drink it down you stupid clown Money gets you one more round Or you're out on your ass Whoa! Ah, my back!

"I must finish this letter quickly for I have only four minutes to live." Three simple worlds: "I am gay." Homer, for the last time, I am not putting that. "And anytime I hear the wind blow it will whisper the name... Edna." Oh, that's very good, Lisa.

Hi. My name is Richie Sakai. I'm an anesthesiologist. And I'd like to dedicate this next song to my wife Patti.

This is what I think of your store!

So, what did you children learn about today ? Hell. Bart ! That's what we learned about. I sure as hell can't tell you about hell unless I say "hell," can I ? The lad has a point. Hell, yes ! Bart ! Hell, hell, hell, hell hell, hell, hell, hell Hell, hell, hell, hell Bart, you're no longer in Sunday school.

What is it? "Tramampoline." "Trambapoline." He said what now? Please, don't bring home any more old crutches.

Charlie Callas doesn't sleep in the ground. Yes, I'm still alive, and I'm making my sounds.

I'm afraid that's insufficient. Officer, arrest the baby. Yeah, right, Pops. No jury in the world's gonna convict a baby.

Hey, that thing's going caca-cuckoo. Who cares? It's Homer's problem.

What does "sequestered" mean? If the jury is deadlocked, they are put in a hotel together...

Safety dance Ohh! Oh, boy, am I glad to see you guys. That was Men Without Hats. Or as they're known today, Men Without jobs.

There he is. Let's give him a make-over. Run for it, boy! Get him! Get him! Get him!

But it comes with a free frogurt. That's good. The frogurt is also cursed. That's bad. But you get your choice of topping. That's good!

Ah! Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah! You idiot! You nearly drank a beaker full of sulfuric acid.

Onward, Christian soldiers Marching As to war... They're singing again.

- Governors Island. - Look! It's ZZ Top! You guys rock! Eh, maybe a little.

Man, are you illin'.

Uh, is I.P. Freely here ? hey, everybody ! I.P. Freely ! Wait a minute. Listen to me, ya lousy bum. When I get a hold of you, you're dead. I swear I'm gonna slice your heart in half.

(SCREAMS) (EXPLOSION)

Oh, my God! What is it? "Tramampoline." "Trambapoline." He said what now? Please, don't bring home any more old crutches. Oh, no, you don't. That trampoline is mine!

Bartina, until I met you, I was the loneliest warden in the penal system. Fresh. Oh, down I go. I'll be fine, dear.

Dad! Shut up, you little monsters! Hello, I was wondering if you'd like to babysit my little angels. Sorry, this isn't Abbie. This is her sister. I look after her now. No, Bart, put it down. Put it down, Bart. Bart, put it down.

Come with me. He likes you. How dare you destroy my valuable wall and spill my priceless acid? Did you really think you were going to get away with it? - I wasn't-- - Silence! I'm going to give you one more chance-- at a reduced salary.

It's over there.

There it is! i Ve never actually been to a baseball game. The fresh air gives me hives. Die, monster! f Male Announcer] You 're watching Monkey (Olympics on Fox.

Homer, this-this is never easy to say. I'm gonna have to saw your arms off. They'll grow back, right? Oh, yeah. Whew. Homer, are you just holding on to the can? Your point being?

Hello ? Dr. Hibbert ? This is Marge Simpson.

A solar eclipse. The cosmic ballet goes on. Does anyone want to switch seats?

Well, did you meet Larry? Oh, yes. He made light of my weight problem, then suggested my motto should be "Semper Fudge." At that point he told me to "relax." How were his test scores? Let's just say this-- he spelled "Yale" with a six. I see. Well, I--

There's your problem.

I've got you Under my skin (CRAZY CAT LADY EXCLAIMING IN DELIGHT)

That sure don't sound like my sister.

Homer, I can honestly say that was the best episode of Impy and Chimpy I've ever seen.

"Tragic news tonight. 120 dead... in a tidal wave in Kuala La-la--" "Pur--" "Kuala Lum-pur--" - France. - Yoink! Yoink?

Reform, Ebenezer Urkel! You have alienated everyone who loved you! Did I do that? Report, Mr. Sulu. Captain, there appears to be some sort of spirit from an Earth holiday past. Mr. Scott, fire photon torpedoes. It's no use, Captain. He's showin' visions of me future. God, I'm so fat! I said fire!

To the most beautiful moment in life. Better than the deed, better than the memory-- the moment of anticipation.

Hubba-hubba. Stop that! I love my wife and family. All I'm gonna use this bed for is sleeping, eating and maybe building a little fort. That's it! Free mouthwash! Free shampoo!

Does anyone know where all my dinner plates went?

Yeah, right, mop top. And I'm Ed Sullivan. "Really big show." No, no. I can do it better. "Really big show. Really big." That's it.

- Bud. - Weis. Er. - Bud. - Weis. Er. Coors. Yo, Dad. Can I have a sip of your beer? Now, Son. You don't wanna drink beer. That's for daddies and kids with fake I.D.'s.

He prefers the company of men. Who doesn't?

My God! Everyone's gone! Little Bart. Little Lisa. Little Marge. And the rest!

Okilly-dokilly-do!

Where's the remote? Oh, it might as well be in China.

Where's Grampa? Wasn't he invited? Yeah, but his reply envelope... just had a check to the gas company in it.

How can a hamster write mysteries? Well, he gets the ending first. Then he works backward. Aw, come on.

Good night! But first, E.T., phone Homer... Simpson, that is.

Our first little genius is Ralph Wiggum.

Bart ! What are you doing ? Sorry, Dad. The answer to that is top secret. Oh, Bart. What ?

Huh? Maybe it's time I wash my hand.

Sir, the designers are here with some prototypes for your casino. Gentlemen, I give you Britannia! Gambling with all the glitz and glamour of the British Isles. Best of all, the waitresses and showgirls are all real Brits. Fresh from the streets of Sussex they are! Freshen your drink, governor?

Ah, the trail has become indistinct. I suggest we split up to cover more ground. Good idea. Milhouse, you and me will be Omega Team. Todd, you and Data are Team Strike Force. Nelson, that leaves you and Martin. Team Discovery Channel!

Because sometimes it's fun to dress up for dinner. Why are we using the china ? Because sometimes it's fun to use the good china. What's with the candles ? Sometimes it's fun to use candles. Why are we waiting for Dad ? Because we love your father and enjoy his company. Why are we really waiting for Dad ?

What's a jib? Promote that man.

Oh! Aaaaaaaaaaah! Aah! Hee-hee-hee-hee!

That's your outlaw? I wasn't really gonna kill ya. I was just gonna cut ya. Ah, forget it. Ouch! I better go check on Barney. Uh-oh. My heart just stopped.

Pick up your check at the front office, and for God's sake, put some clothes on !

We've got no car. We've got no money. And no one knows we're here! We're stranded!

Look! There's another disadvantaged boy. Where? There's a couple of guys fighting at the aquarium, Chief. They still sell those frozen bananas? I think so. Let's roll. This just in. A fistfight is in progress in downtown Springfield.

You've attained the rank of Pussy Willow. Rubber knife? This place is for wimps.

I'm surprised he just doesn't give it up and go for sweat pants. He says the crotch wears out too fast. Yarrr! That's gonna replace the whale in my nightmares!

Oh, Lisa, is that too spicy for you? I can see through time. Stop being such babies. You can't be afraid to try new things. For instance, tonight I'm using a-- Apu, what do you call this thing again? A napkin. Outrageous!

Yeah, tell me about it. I got some yuppie jerk-off headed right for me, yakkin' away on his cell phone. Huh! I hear that. I got some big shot barreling down on me. Hey! Who are you talkin' to, your boyfriend? Hey, jackass! Your voice sounds familiar!

Ooh, cheese! You don't eat cheese, Apu? No, I don't eat any food that comes from an animal. Oh! Then you must think I'm a monster. Yes, indeed, I do think that. But I learned long ago, Lisa, to tolerate others rather than forcing my beliefs on them.

You know, Conan, I have a lot to say. I'm not just a one-line wonder. Did you know... that a section of rain forest the size of Kansas is burned every single-- just do the line. I didn't do it. Great material.

Hmm. Chili would be good tonight. Homer, it's Moe. Uh, look, some of the ghouls and I... are a little concerned the project isn't moving forward. Can't murder now. Eating. Oh, for crying out loud. Come on. No!

but someday you'll rust! Rust, I tell ya! Dad. Dad? - You really wanna get rid of this trampoline? - Uh-huh. Observe. A bike lock.

I know one of you is responsible for this.

without some kind of infrared heat-sensitive camera, so let's turn it on. This technology is new to me, but I'm pretty sure... that's Homer Simpson in the oven rotating slowly. His body temperature has risen to over 400 degrees. He's literally stewing in his own juices.

I'll be eating that pizza in five minutes. Bart, stop being confident. Doggone it! Ohh. Oh, Grampa. I'm starving! Somebody bring me some food quick!

Why, Marge, look at all those flies buzzing around your head. You're a mess, woman. So, do you think I have a case? Mrs. Simpson, you're in luck.

What a beautiful little girl.

But last night you didn't just cross that line, you threw up on it. I'm sorry, honey. Can't we just forget it and go to church ? I'm going to church alone today. You're going to stay here and explain to Bart why you scarred him for life. No, I didn't ! I-- Oh. You mean inside, don't you ?

Aw, the Denver Broncos!

Tonight, When Dinosaurs Get Drunk-- Hmm. Oh. Oh, I've been there, man. ...has been canceled. What? Instead we bring you The Boring World of Niels Bohr.

Yesterday our prayers were finally answered... when Poochie the Dog made his howlingly unfunny debut. Far be it from me to gloat in another's downfall, but I have a feeling no children are gonna be crying... when this puppy is put to sleep.

So get a good night's sleep and remember- Rule number one, there are no rules! Rule number two, no outside food. Aw, what a gyp.

(WHIMPERING) Albert Einstein, Lorne Michaels? Shari Lewis? Lamb Chop! Why ain't I here? I'm a bigger name than... Chaim Potok! What is he? Some kind of Klingon? I'm gonna get to the bottom of this.

I've even kept kosher just to be on the safe side. I've done everything the Bible says! Even the stuff that contradicts the other stuff! What more could I do? I feel like I'm coming apart here. I want to yell out, but I just can't... dang-diddily-do-dang, do-dang-diddily-darn do it! I-i-i--

Hey, Dad, I think state and federal laws require us to have a babysitter.

Well, uh, see ya. Each two-man team will work its way through the wilderness... to a cabin hidden somewhere on this mountain. The routes are treacherous, so use your maps. Uh, I lost my map. You haven't been issued a map yet.

No, not in my mouth... is what the kid would say.

I'm gonna make it! No, Dad. Everyone's sick of that memory. Try to remember back when you were 12. Something frightening must have happened. Hmm. Twelve. Well, I remember I used to go hiking a lot with these two guys. It was one of those lazy summer days you thought would last forever.

I'm leaving you, Marge. The next time you see my name will be in the hobo obituaries. Don't worry about the kids. I'll drop them off with Patty and Selma. Patty and Selma? Screw that. Just run the camera, you little-- D-oh! Good-bye, my darling.

If you'll just open that door, you'll see the next mayor of Springfield. Nice. Very nice. What'd it say? No, no, no. Bob. Bob, come in.

There's puddles of water all over the freakin' stage. Well, I don't want to lie. Six days a week the place is a hockey rink. Well, this is a rock concert not the bleedin'... splish-splash show.

What do you mean, you lost him? He might have fallen into one of these machines! Oh, my God! That's his lucky red hat! He's a box! My boy's a box! Damn you! A box!

Besides, we want to stay as far away from... the campy '70s version as possible. Billowing backpacks, Radioactive Man! It's the worst villain of them all! The Scoutmaster!

Uh, why don't you leave the symbol to me, sir?

That's not as fun as it looks. Nothing could be as fun as that looks. Hey, look what i got, Bart! A Tickle Me Krusty! Hey, kid, get your finger out of there. - Ow! - Homer!

For Channel 6 News, I'm Kenny Brockelstein.

Excessive alcohol consumption can cause liver damage... and cancer of the rectum. Mmm, beer. Hmm.

Fire, fire, fire, fire, fire, fire, fire, fire!

I don't know what that is, but on Fridays, you come straight home after school! Tonight is silhouette night. Sit there. I really just came home to change into a turtleneck. Seymour, sit! In the morning. Oh, Mom, I'm borrowing your car.

To the protest bus!

Whoopi would've made it work.

Bart, you'll do anything for attention. Cut that out! They chose me.

Come on, boy. This is the spot right here. That's a good boy. Good boy. Do your dirty, sinful business. Howdy, Reverend Lovejoy. Nice to see you there... on my lawn with... your dog. Oh. Uh, oh. Bad dog. Look at that. Right on Ned's lawn.

I'm gonna make it. I'm gonna make it ! This is the greatest thrill of my life. I'm king of the world ! Whoo-hoo ! Whoo-hoo ! I-- Aah ! Oof ! Ow, ow ! Ah ! Oh ! Ah ! Oh ! Eee ! Ow ! Oh ! Doh ! Doh ! Oh ! Ah ! Ah ! Ooh !

young lust there's no time For lovin' young lust I don't need one in the oven young lust I'm pushin' and shovin' yeah, yeah young lust c'mon now I just can't wait are ya fishin' or you gonna cut bait everybody body's doin it

Eww, Homer. Where did you get that ugly thing? Why, at that little shop right over... there. Oh, it was over there. You'll be sorry.

- (GRUNTS) - (HONKING) Oh, my golly graciousness! Bad car! Apologize to the poor little boy. (SORROWFUL HONK) (CHUCKLES) This shirt is humor-larious. Let's see what else you've got.

D'oh! Marge, we need some more vanilla, chocolate and strawberry ice cream.

Now remember, as far as anyone knows, we're a nice, normal family.

What are we gonna do? Well, we can't just stand here staring at our hands. Although-- Wow! Oh, that's right. I married that chick. They call 'em fingers, but I never see 'em "fing." Oh, there they go.

Well, if it'll make you feel any better, Krusty, you can punch me in the face. Nah, forget it. Go home, kid.

Hello. I'm retired heavyweight boxer Gerry Cooney. Welcome to Mr. Burns's Casino. If there's anything I can do to make your visit more enjoyable, please let me know. Yeah, great. See ya! Uh, don't forget to apply for... our V.I.P. Platinum Club for special discounts on-- Hey! I said bug off!

Homie, it's 5:00 pm.

We're trying to get the goods on some smugglers. Why, I'd be delighted to sell you some illegally smuggled goods. That sounds like Fat Tony. Only one way to be sure. Fat Tony, is that you? Fat Tony? Hey, where's that voice coming from? This guy's wearing a wire! Take him out!

19-- 1939? Oh, my God! I've gone back in time! I've got to warn everybody about Hitler! And get to the ice-cream store! Hey, Homer, what's all the hubbub? Let me guess. You travel back in time again? Shut up! You haven't even been born yet!

I bad want... money now. Me sick." Ooh, he card reads good. "So pick, please, me, Mr. Burns." It's Kurns, stupid! No, it's not. Disregard. Oh, he's the worst yet. That's it. Everyone out, except you. One step to the left.

Yee-haw! Score one for the bad guys.

I wouldn't stay on a bet ! One for the road.

My daughter Lisa-- I.Q. 156. Hi. See? And my son Bart. He owns a factory downtown. H-How do you do? Homer, I'm late for my night job at the foundry, so if you don't mind telling me-- Good heavens! Th-This is a palace! H-How in the world can you afford...

Smithers, what are you doing up here? What are you doing with his ball? And all those other balls? Uh, there are no other balls.

Yeah. Think about it. Hello, work? This is Homer Simpson.

Shh! Moochie-moochie!

What do I do now? I've been drummed out of my profession. I'm a disgrace. Even this babbling brook sounds almost like mocking laughter.

Whoops. If a group of responsible adults can't handle firearms in a responsible way-- Sorry. Uh-oh. Me again. Sorry.

What did I do to deserve this? Oh, right. Mmm. Fifty-dollar pretzels. Hey, what's Baby Huey doin'? Says here they throw salt before they wrestle to purify the ring. Hmm.

Lisa has told me all your students are as bright and dedicated to jazz as she is.

De nada. If you ever need me, just ring. Does anyone have any jumper cables? Oh, you stinking Chevy!

Don't worry. This is an all-terrain vehicle. My feet are getting wet ! Oh, come on. We're getting back to nature. Mom, I'm scared.

It's about a man whose father-in-law gave him a sweet job... as manager of a cracker factory. Boring! A man whose complete lack of business sense and managerial impotence-- Ooh! Here we go! sent the number one cracker factory in town... into a tie for sixth with Table Time and Allied Biscuit.

Someone's behind the curtain. It could be Claudius. Only one way to find out. Ow! - Ow! - Polonius? What are you doing behind the curtain? I hide behind curtains 'cause I have a fear of getting stabbed. Daddy's stomach is crying.

A bar, Mom. I don't know what that is, but on Fridays, you come straight home after school! Tonight is silhouette night. Sit there. I really just came home to change into a turtleneck. Seymour, sit! In the morning. Oh, Mom, I'm borrowing your car.

Hey, wolfie, put down that hors d'oeuvre. It's time for the main course!

You're living in your car? Oh, no. It's just a camp-out tonight then off to my sister's apartment in Capital City.

Oh, here he comes. What is it now, Quimby? Nothing. Nothing. Only the, uh, city has just passed... another tax on puffy directing pants. But I don't wear puffy pants! I meant a, uh, tax on not wearing puffy pants. Oy! I'm sorry.

Can Superman outrun The Flash?

Homer, I'd like you to remember Matthew 7:26. The foolish man who built his house on sand. And you remember... Matthew 21:17. "And he left them and went out of the city into Bethany and he lodged there"?

If I don't get to the top of the mountain real soon, I could get fired. We'll help you. I have a watch with a minute hand. All right, you can come. What time is it? 12:80. No, wait. - Wait. What comes after 12? - One. No. After 12.

Damn straight, Troy, my man.

see my vest see my vest see my vest

I can't believe Krusty's retiring. This is tragic. A world without Krusty. What would that be like? What's on TV? Nutsy the Clown. Oh, boy! Oh, boy! Oh, boy!

Whoo! Wa-ho! So! Oh, geez. This looks bad. Better turn on the old Wiggum charm.

Hey, what the-- Oh, it's a miracle! I'll call you Babe. You'll be my best friend.

The preceding program contained scenes of extreme violence... and should not have been viewed by young children.

By the way, you new fellas, there's a sign-up sheet for the softball team on the board over there just in case you wish to play.

That trash can must've unkinked your back! Not trash can, Son-- Dr. Homer's Miracle Spine-O-Cylinder! Patent pending. Okay, okay. And as you can see, the unique dents in my invention... perfectly match the contours of the human "vertebrains." Hmm. Patent pending, patent pending, patent pending.

Hey! How come my pay is so low? "Bear Patrol Tax $5.00." What? This is an outrage! It's the biggest tax increase in history! Actually, Dad, it's the smallest tax increase in history. Let the bears pay the bear tax. I pay the Homer tax. That's the homeowner tax.

Pull yourself together, man. I daresay you're in need of a long vacation. No! Don't make me take a vacation. Without you, I'll wither and die! That's a risk I'm willing to take. What would you do without me? I'm not a baby who needs a nursemaid to burp me. You see?

That's right. I did the Iggy.

This is Agent Johnson from the F.B.I. Be on the lookout for a 1936 maroon Stutz Bearcat. Uh, that really was more of a burgundy.

We love you! Uh, please don't hug me. It sickens me.

Last week on PII, our billionaire bachelor gave five lovely ladies a rose of continuation. And he hurled a rock of rejection at anyone displaying intelligence, character, or ethnicity. (GRUNTS) Tonight, we reveal a shocking secret.

Okay, we've got the secret vigilante handshake. Now we need code names. I'll be Cue Ball, Skinner can be Eight Ball, Barney will be Twelve Ball, and, Moe, you can be Cue Ball. You're an idiot.

I feel like making love Making love to you Catchy song, all right. You really wrote it? Yeah. As a tribute to Princess Di. And Dodi. Because these days, princesses--

Look. I'm the first to admit it. I dont write good parts for women. I'm a robber. Help! All this does is shoot bubbles. Silly String!

Stop ! Don't you see what's happening here ? They're fattening us up so they can eat us ! Come on, Lisa.

Slave Driver, put away the encouragement whip and break out the cruel whip.

Really? You like it? Oh, I'd love to wear this someplace special.

Don't ask me. I'm just a girl!

For a superior race, they really rub it in. There were monsters on that ship, and truly, we were them. Lisa, see what we mean when we say you're too smart for your own good ? - Way to go, Lis. - Yeah. Thanks, Lisa.

I personally am gonna spit in every 50th burger. I like those odds.

Whoa. You look... nice. Tonight has nothing to do with nice. Tonight's all about-- Sunshine, lollipops and rainbows ev-- Oh. Sorry, Marge. Wrong tape. Welcome to the jungle We got fun and games

Disco Stu got hooked on the white stuff back in the '70s. More, more, more How do you like it How do you like it More, more, more How do you like it How do you like it

Oh, man! Oh! Don't worry, kids. This is a national park. We can have lots of fun. I'm afraid that's no longer true, ma'am. Budget cutbacks have forced us to eliminate anything the least bit entertaining.

They captured Homer? Then the liquor-filled bowling balls... traveled through a network of underground pipes, finally emerging at a nearby speakeasy. You forgot one thing, Wiggum. Yeah, what's that? I filled the balls with a funnel.

However, since you have no collateral, I'm gonna have to break your legs in advance. Gosh, Moe. I use these all the time. Couldn't you just bash my head in? Hey, hey. Are you a loan shark? Do you understand how finance works? Now let's do this thing.

(MOANING) (MOANING) I never moved a Buddha this heavy. Let's cut him in chunks and worship the chunks.

The elderly aren't like you or me, Bart. They thrive on consistency, predictability... and a life with no surprises. Sounds good to me.

No, I'm the head vampire! Mom? I do have a life outside this house, you know. Happy Halloween, everybody!

And the winner is... Ogdenville! I hope you enjoy your plaque, cheater! Well, I was going to give you the Good Sportsmanship Award, but now I'm just going to be sick.

Wish I was deaf. What am I going to say? This is the guy who ruined me. But on the other hand, he's family. So many conflicting emotions. How to express them? Herb?

Huh? Whoa-ho-ho-ho!

I like Little Dot. Could you rip that off? I mean, who's gonna know? I'd know, Mom! Mmm. That little girl sure loved dots.

I just need one great idea. Batman! Oh, it's been done. Green Lantern! Nah.

Mmm. Oh, Daddy! This tastes like Grandma! Holy Moses! It does taste like Grandma! I want more! Yeah, me too. We'll take a bushel or a pack or-- just give it to me! Yech!

Wow! TV's Kent Brockman. Hey, this fella's not available to stud, is he? You want some puppies, eh, Mr. Brockman? No, no. jessica's been fixed. She just needs a little-- attention. Why, that canine has the proud bearing and glossy fur coat of a Yale man. Hello, little fella.

Ow! Those gears down there really hurt.

Son of a-- Geez!

remember millionaire C. Montgomery Burns, the man who blocked out our sun, ran over a local boy and stole Christmas from 1981 to 1985? Well, guess who's flat broke and picking up trash for a living. Please be Flanders. Please be Flanders. Please be Flanders. Excuse me, Mr. Burns. Now that you're completely ruined, how do you feel?

So, how was it ?

Sir, I demand satisfaction. I challenge you to a duel. Do you accept or are you a coward? I... am a coward!

I really just came home to change into a turtleneck. Seymour, sit! In the morning. Oh, Mom, I'm borrowing your car.

We have captured your president. He was delicious. Why, you little...

Howdy, stranger ! I'm Bart Simpson. Who the hell are you ? Ah. Please allow me to introduce myself. I'm the devil ! And you've earned eternal damnation for your lifetime of evil deeds, Bart.

Where's Maggie? Where's Maggie? Hey, where is she? There you are. Hi, Maggie. I'm Homie-womie, the Teletubbie. And I'm all man, in case you heard otherwise.

Oh, it's a donkey. Shh. They'll hear us. They didn't hear us in the sewing room.

Will I ever see you again? Sure, baby. Next meltdown. Heh.

We look like slobs

Ping Ping just asked Sim Sim to marry him, and I think she just said yes. Aw. Ha! You ain't goin' nowhere, cutie.

That's Homer Simpson's computer. Oh, God! It's spreading! Happy New-- Wha--

Sorry, kids. There's no such thing as hover bikes. They're just a couple of Huffys on a fishing line. But we heard them hovering. Oh, I'm afraid I played a dirty part in this little charade. Well, can we at least keep the bikes? Oh, no. No, no. No, no, no. They're due back at the store by 6:00. Get off 'em. Get off. Off. Get off. All right.

We need the outlet for our rock tumbler. Plug it in! Plug it in! What, the rock tumbler or the TV? The TV! The TV! Show Wow! They'll never let us show that again, not in a million years!

Now you listen to me. I don't like you. I never liked you. And the only reason I gave you that stupid Valentine... is 'cause nobody else would! Watch this, Lise. You can actually pinpoint the second when his heart rips in half. And... now.

1969-- man walks on the moon. 1971-- man walks on the moon... again. Then for a long time, nothing happened. Until tonight. Behold the future of comedy. Poochie!

it's just an extra $7,830. G.M. Chrysler! I can't afford that! But I can't close the school a day early just to suit my vacation. Or can I? Think, Seymour, think. "Go To Work With Your Parents Day"? Yes, Go To Work With Your Parents Day.

That's horsemen, Ned. Well, getting closer. Mom, Dad, Bart and Stampy are gone! Oh, my Lord! I bet it's because of that horrible ivory dealer, Dad. He took Bart too? That wasn't part of our deal, Blackheart!

Hmm. Organized crime. Don Homer, I have baked a special donut just for you. Mmm. Grazie.

Well, at least you got the gum. Oww! I cut my cheek!

Wow! Mister Flanders is really into the Beatles.

Brilliant. They transduced amplitude modulation... via the concavity of that oversized beverage conveyance. I mean, that is some clever "viving." All right, you kids, come down now. We promise we won't kill ya. Speak for yourself.

Going bowling. Not back, avenge deaths. Why do you have so many bowling balls? Oh! I'm not gonna lie to you, Marge. So long!

I was just playing the blues, Dad. Lisa, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to yell. Go ahead. Play your blues if it'll make you happy. No. That's okay, Dad. I'll just work on my fingering.

Oh, come on, Luann. You know what this is. Kirk, I don't know what it is. Oy! It could not be more simple, Luann. Do you want me to show this to the cat and have the cat tell you what it is? 'Cause the cat's gonna get it. I'm sorry. I'm not as smart as you, Kirk. We didn't all go to Gudger College.

Heh. Hey. Ooh. Look out. Yeah.

Dad, you cannot wear that! That's a Rastafarian hat! Hey, I been safari-in' since before you were born.

Homer, when are you gonna give up this crazy sugar scheme? Never! Never, Marge. I can't live the button-down life like you. I want it all-- the terrifying lows, the dizzying highs, the creamy middles. Sure, I might offend a few of the bluenoses... with my cocky stride and musky odors.

That brown patch needs a little H2o. Oh, yeah!

Cleaning my gun with the safety off safety off, safety off Cleaning my gun with the-- Whoopsie. Dad, you just killed a poor defenseless buffalo. A poor, delicious buffalo.

Why you little-- Why you big-- Bart, go to your room. I'm out of here. Look, Marge, honey, baby, doll, I-- Homer, I don't even want to look at you right now. What are you saying, honey ?

What about the buffoon lessons? The four years at clown college? I'll thank you not to refer to Princeton that way. The point is you obviously still blame me for what happened at your audition.

Uh, what do you like, Lisa? "Viomalin"? "Tubamaba"?

I didn't do it. Oh, that's right.

because teacher has a hangover.

Ohh! Homer mad! Homer smash! Get revenge on world! Look! It's the Incredible Hulk!

"And the ugly duckling was amazed to realize it had grown into a beautiful swan." So you see, children, there is hope for anyone. Even me? No.

Yeah, and your father's no house. Now, scram.

I like to walk down the avenue Bust a move with Disco Stu You shake me from my booty to my fro Yes, I strut down the boulevard Burning off my excess lard

Oh, uh, I'm sorry. Are you planning to stay the whole night? Yes! All right. Vote Quimby.

They fight, they fight they fight and fight and fight fight, fight, fight fight, fight, fight The itchy and scratchy movie Get out. Get out!

Oh, Seymour. And I'm not Seymour. My name is Armin. This is Armin's apartment, Armin's liquor, Armin's copy of Swank, Armin's frozen peas. Can I see your copy of Swank, Armin? Yes, you can. This is Armin's life. Maybe it's not perfect, but at least I'm back where I belong.

The Burmese melon fly has over 1,000 sex partners...

What's wrong with this thing?

It's coming from that island. Let's steer heedlessly towards it. Heedlessly it is. The feta is cheesy The sirens are easy Boy, if they kiss as good as they lure-- wow!

My dream has been shattered into shards of a broken dream.

You know, Mr. Burns is so cheap-- What? I ju-- I mean, you know, Mr. Burns is so old-- How dare you! Whoo-hoo. Tough crowd. Better bring out the big guns. Here's an impression of Mr. Burns that you might find a little cheeky.

- Eat my shorts. - Pardon ?

Uh, hold on a minute. Let me have a look at that wheelbarrow, please. Okay. just as I thought! It's a Yard King! That is a quality barrow. Well, I gotta run.

Hey! Mr. Wimbley, it happened again.

Well, let me tell you something. Valentine's Day is no joke. Sending your chick a valentine, huh? Yep.

Tubby? Oh, yes, tubby.

I wanna go home. No, I don't. i got the joy, joy, joy, joy down in my heart where? DoWn in my heart to stay and if the devil doesn't like it he can sit on A tack - Ouch! Ouch! - Sit on A tack

maybe I'm amazed at the way I really need you Maybe I'm A man maybe I'm A lonely man who's in the middle of something That he doesn't really understand

Oh, Bart, that's so sweet. It's the best present a mother could get, and it makes you look so dangerous.

You've just won the employee raffle. Whoo-hoo! What do I get? The job of industrial chimney sweep for a day! Whoo-hoo!

I'm tired of being drugged and gassed. - There's gotta be a way to escape! - Psst! I've worked on this for 33 years. It's made out of toilet paper rolls, toothpicks and plastic forks, and the sail is made of scabs and dynamite.

Good boy. We didn't see nothin' if you didn't see nothin'.

What ? Why ? Oh, yeah. Hello, Patty. Hello, Selma. - How was your trip ? - Fine. You both look well. Thank you. - Yeah, well, Merry Christmas. - It's Christmas ? You wouldn't know it around here. And why is that ?

Roll your eyes back into your head... focusing on your breathing. You should feel a pleasant tingling. Ooh, I do! I do! Now get down on all fours with your rear in the air. What position is this? The American Taxpayer.

Now, what do you say? Eat my shorts. All right, I'll eat-- Eat your shorts?

Oh! Got away from you, huh? Well, you keep at it.

Now behind that door is Edison's actual preserved brain. Ordinarily, folks, tour groups are not allowed to see it, and, of course, today will be no exception.

Oh, look at those phonies sucking up to Bush. I guess you might say he's barking up the wrong Bush. There it is, Homer. The cleverest thing you'll ever say, and nobody heard it. D'oh!

That's petty theft. Ooh! Don't go there. Don't Go There will be right back. Oh, no it won't. Wait! There's a commercial! Oh, yeah. Whoa.

I'm Mr. Burns. Blah, blah, blah. Do this, do that. Blah, blah, blah. I think I'm so big. Blah, blah, blah! Destroy him. Blah, blah, blah. Look at me-- Ow!

"Amendments"? "Regulatory agencies"? What the farq butt?

(READING TITLES) Oh, Goldilocks.

Oh, that's just a paranoid fantasy.

Oh, please stop. I'm just getting started. Ohh!

Can you get me some of those Flintstones chewable morphine?

Ow! I don't understand why we have to build a ray gun to aim at a planet I never even heard of.

Time for bed. Sing me my bedtime song, Mom. Ooey, gooey rich and chewy inside golden, flaky tender, cakey outside Mm. Wrap the inside in the outside - is it good Darn tootin'! Doin' the big fig newton Here's the tricky part.

An all-syrup Super-squishy? Oh, sir, such a thing has never been done. just make it happen. Oh. Oh, dear.

(CACKLING) Scary McBeasties, nibble and gnaw at their overstuffed buttocks! Milhouse, don't open your mouth! Whoa! (GAGGING) (ALL SCREAMING) (CLATTERING) This is no accident. (LAUGHING) Nice party, dink.

And then I saw my boy in a burlap sack, and they told me he had lice. Is this story going somewhere? Easy there, Flub. We're all gonna get a chance.

Yeah! Heard it old school! No-o-o! Bart was so cool. - Little short. He's about this tall. - Don't print that. Word. It just sounds like something I would say.

Looks like Daddy won. But 295 is awfully good for a baby. Yes, it is. It's very good. And you're a good little baby. Yes, you are!

Help! Bart! No! First-rate work, Bart. This universe you've created is even more impressive than Martin's milk carton ukulele.

Yeah? Well, I eat Froot Loops for breakfast.

You go up and down, but not side to side, or back in time.

They're not for bowling, Marge. You're so naive. They are for lovemaking. Really ? Yes. Oh ! - Champagne ? - Please. There, my darling.

Hey, watch it! I look like cable TV. What about that bullet hole in your hair? Squibs. Yeah, we hornswoggled you good. But what about the guy who took my car?

Go, Dad, go! How doth the hero, strong and brave, a celestial path in the heavens pave. Go, Dad, go.

Whoa ! Hmm. Thank you, Bart. You're welcome, Mom. 34 years old. Time enough to start over with a new man. Someone who eats with his mouth shut. What's that, Patty ? Nothing. Finish your steak. Look at him wolf down that gristle. Mm-hmm. It's an accident waiting to happen.

- I'll be back in the morning to pick up Stampy. - Here's the keys. Elephants don't have keys. I'll just keep these then.

I'll call. Three nines. Oh! I almost had a straight! Come to new papa. Hey, what's the deal? We just spliced in some home movies. What do you think? Well, I'd rather reserve judgment until I-- Oh, my God!

You're out there somewhere, Beer Baron, and I'll find you.

Why didn't I think of that? Hammocks!

And he was mine first, and I know I don't deserve him, but-- So what this comes down to is... you want a blind man to give up his only companion. Yes, please. Hmm. Tell you what-- Why don't we let the dog decide? Come on, Santa's Little Helper! Come on, Sprinkles!

Oh, it just sickens me! How could you do this to someone you love? How could I not? I saw you pouring your heart and soul into this business and getting nowhere. I saw you desperately trying to cram one more salty treat... into America's already-bloated snack hole. So I did what I could. I did what any loving husband would do--

Bart. You're up early. I couldn't sleep. What's wrong? There was no burglar.

where I just need to get off of my feet for a few minutes. Oh, I won't be getting up soon. Testing. Testing. Hmm.

This scene is gettin' old, man. I'm hittin' the road. Maybe I'll drop you a line someday from wherever I wind up in this crazy old world.

Hmm. The TV changes channels - every time the dog barks. (BARKS) ANNOUNCER: We return to Mel Gibson's The Salad of the Christ on Christian Carrot Theater.

- Smithers, tip over this table for me. - Yes, sir. Homer. Homer. Make them stop. Uh, Mr. Burns. Mr. Burns. Shut up and wreck something.

Oh, shush yourself. English - US - Line 21

Wh-Who said that? I did! It's me, Abe Simpson! But you're d-d-d-dead. I was. But I've come back as your love testing machine. I'm The Love-Matic Grampa!

Nothing a month ? Yeah, I think we can swing that.

Maggie, we have a surprise for you!

I don't remember the air in the kitchen being so wavy. Good lord! That's gas! Hmm. Hmm? Behold! I am King Talkie Tiki!

Homer, maybe you better take Milhouse home.

Oh, oh, oh. Sorry, Maggie. That's something to collect, not enjoy. It's one of my Humble Figurines. He scampered out of Parade Magazine and into my knickknack nook, and, well, his little buddies soon followed.

I'm trying to do my homework! Bart, stop squeaking your chair.

- Hey! Who likes short shorts? - We like short shorts! who wearS short shorts we Wear short shortS they're such short shorts we like short shorts

Ah, these uniforms are a godsend. Horseplay's down 40%. Youthful exuberance has been cut in half. High spirits are at an all-time low. They've even begun blinking in unison. I love that sound.

I dance, I dance, I dance Around the Mexican hat I dance, I dance, I dance And that's the end of that Or is it I guess I'll keep singing My cell phone appears to be ringing Hey!

Oh, you'll find this amusing-- - the suit Charlie Chaplin was buried in. - Eww! Here's a scoop for your readers-- the Hall of Patriots.

Where is everybody? Hey, man, are you okay? Won't dignify that... with a response.

just taking care of business. If you don't, who will, huh? Trent Steel. Homer Simp-- Uh, Max Power. Ooh, hey! Great name! Yeah, isn't it? I got it off a hair dryer.

I can't get the smell of slurry out of my clothes. Oh, I was a fool to help that horrible old man. I hope you learned your lesson, Lisa. Never help anyone.

And fast! We heard what you said. Yeah! Heard it old school. It's N'Sync! Can the chitchat, Milhouse. We've got just the song you need to defuse this whack attack.

I've added an extra ingredient just for you. The merciless peppers of Quetzlzacatenango! Grown deep in the jungle primeval... by the inmates of a Guatemalan insane asylum.

Ah, what the hell do you want-- You still owe me $50-- Slow down. Slow down! Alfred Hitchcock stole every idea I ever had! He came into my room and-- Who's been stealing your thoughts? Did you ever read The Old Curiosity Shop? They made that with john Gielgud-- I have powers that--

from the early 1950s. Only Duff fills your "Q" zone... with pure beer goodness. So drink up... and up... and up!

sponsored by Buzz Cola with lemon.

It's the Krusty Burglar! Oh, my God! He's stealing all the burgers! Why, you little-- I got you! Ho-- Homer, it's-- it's all just an act.

Wow, that's great! When Carl comes over, I'll stuff him till he don't know what's what.

No! Stop! I left my gun on the seat! Hey!

Meet your new piano mover. We're gonna have to put a steel rod where your spine was. Will I ever move a piano again? Oh, my goodness gracious! No.

Rakes. My old archenemy. I thought I was your archenemy. I have a life outside of you, Bart. What are you gonna do to me? Oh, believe me, I have a plan. Let's see. "Get job as school announcer. Lure Bart to shed.

Hmm. That doesn't sound like they like you at all. You're right. First thing tomorrow, I'm gonna punch Lenny in the back of the head.

(SNORING) Jim-Jam, what happened to the wheel covers of my landing gear? Me-sa sell them to buy me-sa some space spliff.

Um, does your plant have a recycling program? Re-cy-cling? I'm afraid I'm not familiar with that term, you adorable little ragamuffin.

By which I mean Flanders.

Homer, would you like some more macaroni and cheese ? Yeah, a million dollars worth, you treacherous snake woman. No, thank you. Some string beans ? No, I don't want any string beans either, you two-timing, backstabbing-- Uh-oh. Better answer. No, thank you. Some celery with cream cheese on it ? just mouth polite nothings. No, thank you.

When Radioactive Man got injected with shrinking serum in issue 234, how come his costume shrinks too ? I am sure I don't know, but I did just finish... playing Rum Tum Tugger in the second national touring company of Cats. Anybody see it ? Oh-Oh-Oh-Oh ! Over here ! Fallout Boy ! Oh, me, me ! Yes, you, the masked boy. Do you think the ghost of Dirk Richter...

No. Must resist temptation. Go ahead. Give in. Beer! Beer! Ooh. These cotton-poly blends are so comfortable.

Homer, that's... Oh! Step aside. I'll deliver this baby. Why don't you let me handle it. Oh, a college boy, eh? Homer, let him deliver the baby! Homey, isn't he beautiful? As long as he's got eight fingers and eight toes, he's fine by me. Oh, Bart!

That's the worst name I ever heard. Bye, joey jo-jo! Oh, what the hell? It's me. I'm attracted to another woman. What am I going to do? Your infatuation is based on a physical attraction. Talk to the woman and you'll realize you have nothing in common.

We're down to mood lightin' here. All right, all right. Mellow out, everybody. The captain'll know what to do. You just shot the captain out of the torpedo tube.

I'm ever so pissed.

Now, here's your action anchor, Kent Brockman. Hello. I'm Kent Brockman. Our top stories tonight: a tremendous explosion in the price of lumber; President Reagan dies-- his hair, says Gary Trudeau in his new musical comedy revue.

He said what now? Please, don't bring home any more old crutches.

Yea! Shut up, liver!

I'll field this one. The only danger is... if they send us to that terrible Planet of the Apes. Wait a minute. Statue of Liberty. That was our planet!

It says the little boy who never lost faith in you has lost faith in you. You will go to Bart Simpson's for dinner! But I have plans. Hey! Not the face! Why you maddening, impossible man! If you don't go tonight I won't be here tomorrow. Oh, all right, I'll go. Oh, Krusty!

Is that my good butter? Can't discuss that now, Marge. I have to write another delicious memo. Mmm. Memo.

Marge, I agree with you in theory. In theory, Communism works. In theory.

So, what prize did you end up getting? Mustache comb. What'd you get? Fake mustache. Wanna comb it? This sucks. Time to punch out of this yawn factory. I'm going to Nelson's.

Usury? Silly me. I made up a word that doesn't exist. What is the purpose of this loan? I want to buy a pony. Isn't that cute? He's planning on joining the horsey set. That is it, isn't it? You're not planning to eat it?

Ooh, boy, what a mug! Yeah. You should see his genitals. Would you like to see them? I'm awake here. Uh-oh. This isn't anesthetic. It's new car smell. Sorry, Doctor.

I'll stop buying Malibu Stacy clothing. And I'll take up smoking, and give that up. Good for you, Son. Giving up smoking is one of the hardest things you'll ever have to do. - Have a dollar. - But he didn't do anything. Didn't he, Lisa? Didn't he? - Hey, wait a minute. He didn't. - Homie, please.

You insensitive jerk! Maybe this family would be better off without you! You know, there are only so many times I can say "I'm sorry" and still mean it! Why don't you just take Britney Beers and get out of here? I would, if it wasn't for the kids!

Maybe we should leave. Uh-uh. No way. I don't wanna miss a word. You don't know what they're saying. I'm picking it up. "Sala" seems to mean "jerk," and I think "Manjula" means some kind of spaceship.

I want the whole world to hear the story... of my harrowing struggle with hypohemia. Well, sir, Mr. Roman is one of the finest ghostwriters in the business. He's written, Like Hell I Can't, Up FroM the Muck, the Unsinkable Sadruddin Mahbaradad. Excellent. All right, all right. First question. Have you slept with anyone famous ?

Otto, I'm gonna leap over Springfield Gorge on my skateboard. Huh. You know, Bart, as the only adult here, I feel I should say something. What ? Cool !

But surely I and my $600... could play some small part in your vacation fun. Oh, yeah, right. Like there's any way to get some kicks with a big wad of cash and a license to drive-- Wow!

I guess everyone has a different vision for the perfect world. Wow, Mom, that's very profound. Hey, you read that off my screen.

J Oh, yeah, Weird A/ had fan on this showJ J Even if it was just a brief cameo JJ English - US - SDH

All this does is shoot bubbles. Silly String! Kids, I'll go find your mother. Dad, we're canceling the rest ofthe play. What play? What the hell is he talking about? Marge? I'm gonna sleep down here tonight.

A cougar! Die, cougar! Ow! My leg! Oh, geez!

Mr. Boggs, will you be on my team? You got yourself a player. Damn! All right, I'll take Louis. I'll take jose Canseco. D'oh!

Or how about little Lisa Simpson? She'll have no reason to play the blues in this snappy ensemble, topped off with a saucy French beret... that seems to scream "silence."

Hey, kid, stop wearin' your backpack over one shoulder. We invented that. Copycats! You copied us! Step over this line and say that! I'll kick your butt... at Nintendo.

Oh, bitch, bitch, bitch!

Dad, knocking over a gravestone is bad luck. Really? I heard good.

Now, before you respond, you must understand that your refusal... would result in months and months of-- Can we have a pool, Dad? Can we have a pool, Dad? Can we have a pool, Dad? Can we have a pool, Dad? Can we have a pool, Dad? Can we-- I understand. Let us celebrate our new arrangement with the adding of chocolate to milk.

Who? Who? Who? Who? Who? Who wants their hair cut? Who? Who? Who? Which side do you want your part on? Left! Right! Stab! Stab! Stab! You're the boss. BART: What the hell? Whoa!

And the Americans jump out to an early lead. Although we should point out... that many of the other women represent countries that don't have swimming pools.

Yeah. It's a lazy, dog-dangling afternoon. But something's a little off.

Hey, Mr. Showmanship, the owner wants to see you in his office right now. I'm sorry, young man. You're just not ready. Pick up your check at the front office, and for God's sake, put some clothes on !

And our new number one hit "I Do Believe We're Naked"

My teacher's a nightmare. Three kids got sick from inhaling his ointment fumes, he confiscated everything made of tin, and then he sent us home early because he got his beard... caught in the pencil sharpener.

Hmm. I wonder if I could blow up heaven?

I think I'm going to be sick.

No, no. Now, wait a minute. Wait ! Wait ! Folks, if I could-- This is not the way to get healthy !

Attention, wireless listeners. Most of the sounds you are now hearing are not being made by me. Oh, stop! Stop! Won't someone please stop the farting? Aah! Don't worry, folks. He's not dead. I still hear some faint sounds of life. That didn't go well, did it?

just follow me. Put your hand on my hip. Okay.

Hello, Marge. Hello, Marge. How come no Chippendales dancers... ever come in to renew their licenses? They carpool. That's the problem. Hey, I came here to get this revoked!

Well, let me hear how it sounds. Nah, nah, take it out. Take it out. And charge it to my Players Club card. Maxed out? Look, I really need these flowers, okay? I got a real tenuous hold on my girlfriend here. Hello? Hello?

Ralph, you'll be on special teams. I'm special.

And the final number is... 49. 38... 49! Oh, my God. I won. I won!

Take that, vile fiend! Uh, Dad, that's his crotch. Oh, sorry. No!

That elephant ate my entire platoon.

No, she won't. When it comes to compliments, women are ravenous, bloodsucking monsters... always wanting more, more, more! And if you give it to 'em, you'll get plenty back in return. Like what? I'll tell you when you're older.

Is there anything you're not telling us ? No. Every other student in the class has shown at least some form of improvement. And yet, you continue to struggle. Why is that ? I don't know. But look at these results. Fifty-five, forty-two, twenty-six. A 12 on state capitals ? Okay, okay. Why are we dancing around the obvious ? I know it, you know it.

w'w'f TV Theme: King ofthe Hilly Ah, that was boring. Let's get a hotel.

Dad, that's the Old Spice song. It is? Well, that's a good song too. Run!

Boring. Dad, you should blow the whistle on the Kwik-E-Mart. And now a message from the Church of Latter-day Saints. Dad, are you listening to me? Shh! Lisa! The dog is barking.

Everyone sucks but me.

Broke, or made it better?

I'm just relieved that Homer's safe and that you've recovered, and we can all get back to normal.

A snake in the cash register!

And that, my children, is the story of Bart's first day of school. Very nice. Yeah. Yeah. Except you were supposed to be telling the story of how I got my saxophone. D'oh!

Gentlemen, I must be wasted. 'Cause it looks like that cloud is mad at me. Arr! Arr!

But the story of Lisa's first word is very cute. Tell it, Mom. Yeah, tell it, Mom. Well, this story begins in that unforgettable spring of 1983. Ms. Pac-Man struck a blow for women's rights. A young joe Piscopo taught us how to laugh.

We, uh-- We called that "the stinger." They don't let you use that no more.

just tell 'em Big Baby sent you.

jingling, jingling jingling, jingling santa's on his way Hooray, hooray

The Soviet Union will be pleased to offer amnesty to your wayward "wessel." The Soviet Union? I thought you guys broke up. Yes! That's what we wanted you to think!

(GRUNTS) What did I do? You... Why, you little... (CHOKING) You need a reason for strangling, do you... I'll fix your wagon... (CELL PHONE RINGS) Hello? Chloe, forget about the Women's Conference. I need you to get over to Mount Springfield! It's about to erupt.

First, raise my allowance. Why, you little... (TIRES SCREECHING) (CHOKING) We're going downhill and I can't reach the brakes! (BOTH SCREAM)

Come on, elephant! Stop! Hey, everybody's upside-down. Look at that. Well.

Apu is having an affair? I know. Can you believe it? Oh, Manjula's just gonna die! How did you find out? In my role as customer, I saw the whole thing. Oh, this is so awkward. Today's the day we play badminton with them.