comb.io - Clips

Okay, Fat Load here. Here comes the bride. Repeat. Here comes the bride. Mrs. K, you look awesome. Thank you, Otto. That cloud looks awesome. That rock looks awesome. My hands look awesome. (PLAYING WEDDING MARCH DISCORDANTLY)

J Little ditty about Homer and Marge; J Her heart was as big as his stomach was large; J Oh, yeah, they say love goes on J J Long after the grilled cheese sandwich is gone JJ

You're my best friend. Hello ? Dr. Hibbert ? This is Marge Simpson.

There. Now, that gum should lift right out.

Ohh! Why do we have to play this corny old game anyway? I brought my jacks! I got twosies! Hah!

Ned Flanders? You're sure? No, no, no. I'll come right over. And may God have mercy on us all. Darling, there's an emergency at the hospital. Where are my shoes? Oh, I think they're in the den. In the den? May God have mercy on us all.

People! People! This man has actually been in outer space. - Ha! Nobody cares. - This is one small step towards firing your ass!

Come on. Right across the plate. Let's see what you got, huh? This one's for the little crippled boy... that I crippled. You can do it, Paul! Gimme a kiss for luck. Ow! Hot! Oh, boy, that's-- Oh, come on! Ow!

Oh, yeah. So good.

Doctor, you're a pediatrician! Yeah. But my head's been somewhere else this year. (SINGING) (HUMMING) Oh!

The Kwik-E mart.

Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Jingle Bell R--

I mean, just because I am Krusty the Clown? How could I charge full price to the man whose lust for filthy magazines... kept me in business during that first shaky year? Oh, by the way, here is your new issue of Gigantic Asses.

I got to go, and no fooling. Hey, Pop-N-Fresh! You're supposed to giggle. Gyyaaagh!! That guy has got to go.

on the back of some stupid truck. Whoa. I gotta replace that window. "Pool-mobile"?

The Simpsons are riding the rails! Cool. A dead hobo. Mornin', folks. What are you gonna do to us? Now, don't worry. I'm not a stabbin' hobo. I'm a singin' hobo.

I love this kid. Hmm, yes. Interesting. Okay. All right, I've come up with a composite sketch of my prime suspect. Behold! Dad, that's Bart. Exactly. Look at him over there, eatin' that apple.

People of Earth, we come to you in the spirit of hostility and menace. Now, we can resolve our differences peacefully. Uh... ow! Your superior intellect is no match for our puny weapons. Gordon, do something. What do you want me to do? I'm a baker now.

America is supposed to be a democracy. But in the school yard, “cool” rules. And Springfield's Machiavelli ofthe monkey bars... is one Bartholomew Simpson. On today’s royal agenda- digging up dirt clods to throw at his school chums. l chuck 'em at nerds, girls I like- whatever.

(GRUNTS) (GROANING) My heart! It hurts so much! (GROANS) Like it's caught in a vise! (CHUCKLES) My little boy's in love.

A napkin. Outrageous!

cryin's not For me 'cause I'm never gonna Stop the rain by complainin' because I'm freE nothin's worryin' me

Dimoxinil ! Whoo-hoo !

No. Come on! We're gonna be late to the blooming ofthe Sumatran Century Flower. How come Lisa always gets to pick the family activity? Because I know every time you say "Pick a number from one to IO," it's always seven. That's because there were seven apostles. No, there were 12.

You're the greatest. Smithers! Help! Doesn't seem as funny to me. But what do I know? Smithers! Oh, my God! Hey-hey!

on the back of some stupid truck.

One for Honk, please. Oh, gee. Uh, just a minute. I have to check with the manager. That overweight guy wants to see the movie.

So pack your things. You're moving in with Company "L." Company "L"! But they smell. Yes, we've all heard the chant. Now fall out! Sorry. Sorry. I know we'll be friends. Talk about getting off on the wrong foot. Ooh. I can't believe they let a girl in.

Get off of my moor, you mischievous weans! Actually, we prefer to stay. You're thinking about hurting us. Now you're thinking, "How did they know what I was thinking?" Now you're thinking, "I hope that's shepherd's pie in my knickers."

To take you in the sun to promised lands to show you everyone it's the time of the season For loving

This isn't working. I've got to courier something to Springfield, and it's gotta be big enough to fit Milhouse, Martin and Nelson inside. But, Bart, that'll cost a fortune. Simpson, how would you like to escort 500 Big Macs to Marlon Brando's island? I can't take much more of this. I'm counting on you, Lise.

Uh, the toilet is overflowing in the, uh, Caveman Room. Oh, here we are. The "Utility Room." This isn't very erotic. I think it's an actual utility room.

It's a little run together, but that's what it says! "I love you"-- Cactus?

Ow! Son of a-- How'd they get your bar back to normal so quickly, Moe? It's a snap when you use certified contractors. - Like the ones found in your local yellow pages? - Exactly. I'm sorry I shot you, Moe. Aw, that's okay. It's like my dad always said,

Comely. Succulent. (SCOFFS) Clearly had a snout job.

Space camp. At ease, Cadet Nelson.

Calm down, Picky Ricardo. He made us a great breakfast, and you’re just riding his butt, and not in a good way. Thank you, Homer. ts a pleasure cooking for you. Well, get used to it 'cause I'm gonna stay. Fabulous. Here's the key to the lotion cabinet. Grady, are you sure you want to live with him?

What is it, boy? Fire? Earthquake? Hippies?

Hello, Vegas. Give me a hundred bucks on red. D'oh! All right. I'll send you a check. If only I could think of an invention. Something that would really make money. Must concentrate and work harder than I've ever worked--

No. Nothing. I can't believe Vincent Price would lend his name to such a shoddy product. Now what do we do? Let's call the company. Mom, this was made in 1967. They're probably out of business. Well, we'll just see. Murray Hill 5-9232.

Come on. Get in there. Drop! Woo-hoo! Ow! So, Lenny, let's say you pull a thorn out of the pope's butt, and he grants you one wish. What'll it be?

A little from column "A," a little from column "B."

You can make a lot of money. Yeah! Where are my pants? You threw them out the window in a fit of passion. You said you were never going to need them again.

Doctor, you're a pediatrician! Yeah. But my head's been somewhere else this year. (SINGING)

Oh, don't you see? It's because I care for you that I can't come forward. That doesn't make any sense. All right. Then I just don't feel like it, okay?

Come on, we're family. You're breaking the law. I'll make you a deal. You rip up that ticket, and I'll give you back your hat. Whoo, whoo, whoo! Ha, ha! Homer, taking an officer's cap is an arrestable offense.

It must be wonderful to ring in the New Year... over and over and over. Please kill me.

Oh, my ! Ooh, trouble in the neighborhood. Let's check it out. I'm his neighbor. What did he do ? Well, sir, we-- Well, sir, we've been on the trail... of a spy transmitting highly confidential information... to an unfriendly nation. Ooh ! Mm-hmm. Through the use of radio triangulation,

You know, Kent, in today's youth-obsessed culture, we sometimes forget that older people are still alive. I told ya! Well, sorry! And that's why our final award honors a man... who's lived in Springfield for a hundred and eight years.

Oh. Someday I'll hear the winning music. Someday.

Drop an anvil on her ? Hit her on the head with a piano ?

Oh, what a glorious day ! Lisa, hand me your paper. I'm just gonna take this over to the refrigerator and-- Hmm. Well, as long as I'm here, I might as well kill two birds with one stone. What's the big idea ? You covered up my paper. Look at those funny little whiskers. Ooh ! That reminds me.

Or like when- I got nothing. Let's just find that piece. Hey, remember that pet gerbil we used to have? He didnt run away after all.

You little shutterbug. Cheese ! Cheese ! Oh, wait a minute. Stupid grapes.

Make sure my iguana's okay. Selma, jub jub is fantastic! He's everywhere you want to be. Welcome to your new home, baby. It's fantastic!

Mr. Burns, I was wondering if you'd like... to sponsor my bowling team for $500. Why, certainly, Pop 'n' Fresh. I owe my robust physique to your tubes of triple-bleached goo. Whoo-hoo! Hey, everybody, if you wanna ask Burns for a favor, now's the time!

What, it's your birthday too? We're twins. Here you go. Here I am. Eat your fries. Eat 'em. Here's you! Aw, geez. And you got the stink lines and everything?

Trendy guest stars were shamelessly trotted out to grab ratings. If you are looking for trouble, you've found it.

- and his entire family-- - D'oh! I leave these-- a box of mint condition,

except for the Popsicle stick skyscraper... and the 50-foot magnifying glass... and that escalator to nowhere. Whoa! Aah! Aah!

Sugar do-do-do-do do-do aw, honey, honey do-do-do-do do-do You are my caNdy--

Thanks for helping me deliver the first edition of The Red Dress Press, Dad. I'm always happy to help you, sweetie. Extree! Extree! Man driving erratically throws papers out window!

I love this kid. Hawk your brains out. Ho-ho ! Got him ! Hello, Cook ? Sorry to bother you so late, but I got a hankering for some-- That's right. Don't forget the applesauce.

Homer! Homer! Homer! Well, Mr. Burns had done it the power plant had won it

Stop! Hey, everybody's upside-down.

They don't have to rub it in my face. Okay, everybody. It's the moment you've all been waiting for.

All right, all right, smart guy. Oh, for crying out loud, I dropped one.

It's the beating of that hideous heart! I mean, I think I hear something. Why, here's Alison's real diorama. It got misplaced, or so it would seem.

Hello, I'm Dr. Marvin Monroe. No doubt you recognize me from TV. - We would if we had one. - Lisa ! No, no, Homer, don't stifle the youngster. Your family must feel free to express itself. That's what these pads and jumbo markers are for.

Well, what if we used our imaginations? Houston-- We have a problem. Homer 13 is spinning out of control! I'm going after him! Boy, this is a lot more fun with a second person.

Stop. You can't mix plastic with paper. Oh! Oh!

I got a big payday coming. Yeah. Homer sold his wife for a million bucks. I didn't sell her. I just rented her to an old boyfriend. Gee, a million bucks. That's gonna buy him a lot of, uh, swings in the old battin' cage.

Why would a man whose shirt says "genius at work"... spend all of his time watching a children's cartoon show? I withdraw my question.

The Itchy and Scratchy Show Hmm?

The pyramids were actually built by Sears.

No, it's not! I got the groceries.

Hey, wait a minute.

Saving the best for last, huh, Bart? Yeah. That must be it. I pick my dad. Do you want to play capture the flag, Daddy? We-- Sports on a Sunday? Hmm. I better check with Reverend-- Oh, just play the damn game, Ned. Yeah. Well, if you get a grown-up, then so do we. I pick my dad.

Oh, I've never been so proud! You both deserve a big, big reward! Mom, they put every kid in America in that book... just so gullible parents will buy it. - It's all a big scam. - Shut up. Are you sure? I can usually smell a scam from two towns over.

I caught your son defacing school property this morning. We estimate the damage at $75, and frankly, we think it's terribly unfair that other taxpayers should foot the bill. Yeah, it's a crummy system, but what are you gonna do ?

Bleh! This virtual fudge tastes like crap. Mmm. Mmm. Not half as good as cyber-fudge. Yo. It's me! Oh, what a bleak, horrible future we live in!

When do we want it? Soon! Where's my burrito? Where's my burrito? Where's my burrito? Ow! Then I got this scar sneaking under the door of a pay toilet.

That's gonna hurt come winter. And the winner is... Itchy and Scratchy, Abraham Simpson-- rise.

Ohh! So full. Belly button moving from... innie to... outie!

just my bones... and organs.

Let's try another one. If a tree falls in the woods and no one's around, does it make a sound ?

Now what are you gonna do? You cant shoot all of us. Damn it! You know, Simpson, from the moment you walked into my office... I had a feeling I'd kill you in a hall of mirrors.

Ladies and gentlemen, the Clown Show... has been put on hiatus for retooling. What happened? Oh, don't worry about that. You're just finished, that's all.

Hey, that's my pop up there ! Dad, watch out ! Whoa, easy ! Don't drop me. - Be careful. - Homer ! Homer ! Homer !

Hi-diddly-ho. I-- Oh! Maude, come quick! The Simpsons are covered with cooties! Help us. We're diseased.

Look at this. I got a ball here. I feel happy now. I needed more money to support my growing family. And there was only one place in town that a man like me could make it.

Wow. That was close. You can be the center. How come you always run out of tardy slips...

Skinner! Your bus driver just totaled my Camry! Can I offer you the use of my Merkur? Filled with your Burger King cups and wrappers? No, thank you.

Dear God. What have I done? Babies of Springfield, we need your help. Please, skin your knees. Put dice up your nose. Let cats sleep on your face!

D'oh! Oh, my God! It's burning up! Beer! Beer! Give me some beer! Homer! You promised you wouldn't drink. But I need it!

If anyone deserves to be wrapped up in seaweed and buried in mud, it's you. Mmm. Well, all right. But I'm taking some of the ironing with me in the car. Tighten those braids, missy. Hoist your flag, Doolie. Nelson, you look adorable.

And to protect Mother Earth, each copy contains a certain percentage of recycled paper. What percent is that? Zero! Zero's a percent.

I see a vase, but Eddie sees two people in profile. Now, this may shock you, but you're both right.

Let's not forget what we learned in the U.N. club. Not now, Martin.

Oh, yeah, right. Silence ! "Everyone here in the United States is fine. "We think Maggie may say her First word any day now.

You weren't calling it that at the Christmas party. Okay. I'm gonna need you to let that go, Chief. Oh, my God! This DUI is a She-UI! Oh, no! (HICCUPPING) I'm gonna be... I'm going to jail. (TWIG SNAPS) What was that? Maybe someone else is here.

Now that we've blown your cover, I guess you gotta come back and do your show again.

Oh, look, Bart. Now you got Maggie all upset. Relax. I'll give her some ice cream. Bart, that's coffee ice cream. It has caffeine in it!

You're going to choke or something. Don't tell me how to eat doughnuts. Hey, Homer's choking again. Isn't there a first-aid chart around here somewhere? Somebody scare him. That's for the hiccups. Hey, look at this. Softball starts this week.

Whoa! Someone smells stinky. Oh, it's me.

Lay down ! Followed by immediate correction. How can we tell if we're doing this maneuver effectively ? The dog's eyes will cross, and his tongue will protrude... and change color ever so slightly. Is my dog dead, ma'am ? You don't know how often I'm asked that. "Choke chain" is a misnomer.

I know you're not a deaf-mute, Mr. Simpson. We've been talking for the last 20 minutes. Aaah!

- Give me ! Give me ! - No ! NO !

Hubba-hubba. Stop that! I love my wife and family. All I'm gonna use this bed for is sleeping, eating and maybe building a little fort. That's it! Free mouthwash! Free shampoo!

I want candy at least think of our dentist bills. Got A new daNcE and it gOes like this and the name of the dance is the peppermint twist

Oh, my head. That was pretty bad, Bart

Wait! We have more notes! Get off, damn you! You can kill me, but two more will take my place!

The Shrieking Sheik lives just three doors away. Hey! I'll take it.

Welcome to the Springfield YMCA. Tonight you can sample all of our classes for free. And if you find one you like, you can pay the membership fee and enroll. I know. We'll never see any of you again. You got that right.

Hey, what's goin' on? What's happening? Folks, we're experiencing... some moderate Godzilla-related turbulence at this time, so I'm gonna go ahead... and ask you to put your seat belts back on.

Marge Simpson. Still making juice the old-fashioned way? No. I've got gum in my hair. Oh, we've tried everything. Olive oil, lemon juice, tartar sauce, chocolate syrup, gravy, bacon fat, hummus and baba ghanoush. My scalp hurts from horsefly bites.

Check for millipedes.

Go away! There ain't no monorail, and there never was! Excuse me, miss. You asked about the monorail? Who are you? My name is Sebastian Kobb. Lanley hired me to build his monorail.

Ha-ha! Oh, be quiet! You'll wake up John Wayne. I'm already up.

Can't remember the last time she made cookies for me. What's that? Oh, n-nothing.

"Bart will give back the Malibu Stacy head you thought was lost." Oh, Bart, that's really sweet.

Ho ho ho. Ho ho ho. Hmm. I get the feeling there's something you haven't told me, Homer. Huh ? Oh. I love you, Marge. You tell me that all the time. Oh, good, because I do love you.

Champion horse coming through! What the-- Good horse. Here's one taco. And you'll get another when you win.

All right. That was a malpractice waiver, fool! (CHUCKLING) Ha-ha!

Close your eyes, Marge.

It's just a little further. Come on. just a little bit more. You're doing great. That's it. Come on. just a little bit more. I know you can do it. I believe in you. Yes!

Thanks for calling, kids. A new message every day. Maggie!

Ew! Homer, you're not dead. Mm-hmm. Which is good. Now let Uncle Pierce take care of you.

We give up. Well, guess! Book of Revelations. Fire-breathing lion's head. Tail made out of snakes. Who else is it gonna be? Jesus? Je-- je-- Ohh! Don't you kids know anything? The serpent of Reheboam?

Lisa, that sounds like a fancier version of the song you're going to sing. And she's giving us the emotional experience of a lifetime. (SOBBING) Thank you for this angel, Lord.

Who are we? The Wildcats! Who are we gonna beat? The Wildcats! Hey, Flanders, you're the worst coach this team has ever had!

Professor V.J. Cornucopia's Fantastic Foodmagorium and Great American Steakery.

Maybe I better check mine. "Today your husband will die"! Homer, I'm scared. Ooh! Scary newspaper. Don't hurt me, horoscope. I'm afraid-- Ow! Oh! Paper cut! Paper cut!

People of Earth, this is Bartron-- commander of the Martian invasion force. Your planet is in our hands. Resistance is useless.

You know, I went to the McDonald's in, uh, Shelbyville on Friday night.

Ambassador Henry Mwabwetumba of the Ivory Coast writes: "What is the real deal with Mr. Burns's assistant, Smithers? You know what I'm talking about." Of course we do. The preparations for your birthday have begun. I won't get what I really want.

Now, Maude, in our movie, you lay baby Moses in the basket, then put it among the reeds. Okay? Lights, camera, act-didilly-dotilly- doodilly-action, jackson! Help me...

And put your garbage in a garbage can, people. I can't stress that enough. Don't just throw it out the window.

(GURGLING) (CLANKING) No Frank Gehry designed prison can hold me! Ha-ha! (GRUNTS)

Okay, that's it! Huh? Oh.

See ya next year.

Bart, I asked you to watch your sister. I tried to stop her, but she overpowered me. Who stole my shirt? Who stole my shirt?! I washed it. Thank you, Marge. Ahh! Pink?! I can't wear pink to work. Everybody wears white. I'm not popular enough to be different.

Hey! How long have you been back there? Three days.

Or childish name-calling.

You're telling me new stuff, and minutes later it's still there. It's all thanks to you. Marge, when I see you forming the vowels and continents-- COnsonants. consOnants with your beautiful mouth... and your beautiful breath pushing them past your beautiful teeth-- Merci, I guess. Marge.

North Dakota, here we come. I've always wanted to see Mount Rushmore. That's South Dakota. Oh!

Oh, that man is sick! Groundskeeper Willie saved you, Homer. But listen to the music. He's evil. Hasn't this experience taught you you can't believe everything you hear? Marge, my friend, I haven't learned a thing. Oh, gee.

I am so mad at the Secret Service right now. Hey, who the hell are you? I'm Homer Simpson, sir, and I'm gonna get you back to Washington before it's too late. You know, Senator, being in suspended animation gave me time to think.

Well, it's about time you two woke up. Well, of course. It-- Who are you? Who am I? I'm Mrs. Ned Flanders. G'ah! Hey, smooth move, Flanders. And I'm Mrs. Homer Simpson. Here comes that vomit again.

Snowball II, I can't believe you're gone. I wrote this poem for you. It's called "Cat Math." "Four paws, plus one tail, "plus nine lives equals one special cat.

Uh, W, seven, star, pound. Look, Miss... "Boo-Veer." As an actor, I depend on my remarkable looks.

D'oh! A deer! A female deer.

Now, go upstairs and pack your bags. We're gonna start a new life under the sea.

I read in the Daily Fourth Gradian... that you need someone to paint a mural. Yes. School spirit is down 3.4 percent. Well, Jack here will do great work for you. Oh, any references? Well, to be honest with you, I spent the last six years in Waterville State-- It's a small liberal arts college. Very law-abiding. No convicts at all.

This sandwich tastes so young and impudent. Seymour, what's with the good grub?

Ooh, what was that? It doesn't matter. Let's get some margaritas. I'm buying.

Oy! Give it away give it away give it away now give it away give it away give it away now I can't tell if I'm A kingpin or A pauper Dancin' around in their underwear. That is so degrading.

What's going on?

We've got an emergency here. We need 10 cc's pronto. And by cc's, I mean cupcakes.

Marge, kids, let's go buy some happiness. God bless you, Bart Simpson. I'd kiss you, but Doctor says I'm sick.

and baffling desecration of our beloved sacred parchment, you are hereby banished from the Stonecutters forever. And as a final humiliation, you must walk home naked, dragging behind you the Stone of Shame.

Here's your stupid homework. Ooh ! Phonics, functions, vocabulary-- Remedial reading ? Oh, do your own homework, Bart ! Doh ! Here's your magazines. How many of these guys are named Corey ? Eight. Thanks, Dad. Whoa ! Assassins !

- Do you even know who I am? - I think I do. Weren't you one of the Little Rascals?

They're thawing in the sink."

He's kicking it old-school. Never give them an opening. Three, two, one, pull!

My fantasy's come true! Hey, kid. You wanna see a dead body? If I were a truant boy out for a good time, I'd be right here-- the Springfield Natural History Museum.

Well, Smithers. How kind of you to pay us a visit. Couldn't help it, sir. Parking here is terrible. This man has no love for his power plant. Begone from my sight. That one's always been a problem.

You're the greatest friend a guy could ever have. Hey, do you think Aerosmith will be in tonight? I doubt it.

Hey, hey, what's goin' on here ? Krusty the Clown, you're under arrest for armed robbery. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say--

Come on. I have a disgusting idea. Oh, it's a donkey. Shh. They'll hear us. They didn't hear us in the sewing room. Hmm.

Uh! Boy, I can really be a pain in the butt. Gee, I should cut Dad some slack. After all, he did take me to the ballet and the Smithsonian exhibit. In fact, he takes me lots of places he hates.

Those days are over. Give it up. (SIGHING) You win, kids. Just sleep here tonight and we'll all go back to Springfield tomorrow. Great! What do you want to play? How about the floor is made of lava?

Yo, ring her up, dude. You cannot smoke in here. Please, the sign is clearly posted, sir. Oh, God. You smokers disgust me. Hey, 'pu, you got a breakfast cereal for people with syphilis?

Cheer up, Homer. Can't. Okay! What if you pretended that this couch were a bar? Then you could spend more nights at home with us. Huh? I am not going to dignify that with an answer.

Certainly does. - Oh, well, lots of luck! - Oh!

Grey skies are gonna clear up put on A happy face brush off the clouDs and cheer up put on A happy face Listen to that singing. Those poor fools. Homer, I'm ruined. I know.

- Green hatchets! - Yellow ice picks! And Stabby-Oh's are part of this nutritious breakfast. Hey. If you guys made breakfast, where's Mom? Here I am. But thanks to Stabby-Oh's, most of me is still in bed. That ad campaign may have crossed a line. Ah, what can you do? Sex sells.

Yes, our tiny tapper. What was it you were going to say... after "I wanted to be a dancer, but--"? But I just... need more practice. See ya. Oh. What's that awful sound? The furnace? It's me.

Oh, a smoker, eh? Well, I have ways of dealing with you. Squirt, squirt, squirt. Your lungs will thank me. Kids, you better take your last look at Uncle Artie. Oh, look! There's a whole bunch of you!

Oh, I've got a bunch, Homer, but-- I just don't feel right. Oh, Lord, what should I do? Keep Gaming. What? It means gambling. Keep gambling. Oh. Right-eo. One betting disk, please. "One betting disk, please."

Kovenant! Hey, isn't that the bass player from Satanica?

Who controls the British Crown Who keeps the metric system down We do, we do

I'm proud of you, boy.

I'm talking about his-- personal area. Aha. Say no more. I read you loud and clear. The old shoulder pads. Look, I want a cup. Cup. Could you spell that? C-U-P. I wanna C-U--

- Homer ? - What ? Why are you doing this ? Why can't you accept that I'm here with someone else ? Because I'm sure we were meant to be together. Usually when I have a thought, there's a lot of other thoughts in there. Something says yes, something says no,

was shot, following a tense confrontation at town hall. Burns was rushed to a nearby hospital, where he was pronounced dead. He was then transferred to a better hospital, where doctors upgraded his condition to alive. Now let's talk to Police Chief Wiggum. Oh. Oh, hiya, Ken.

People, people, calm down. Both these kids are total write-offs. I assume you're pressing charges? Because I get paid by the charge.

Copyright expired. And... begin! This sucks. Aah! Ha-ha! Pick the red, get ahead. Pick the black, set you back. Hmm. I don't recall authorizing this booth.

Off the record, ma'am all the gals on the force knew just how you felt. That's nice. Could you loosen my cuffs? No. Don't worry. She'll be cracking rocks by the end of the week.

I have a scandalous story of my own. Gentlemen, I'd like you to meet your new coworker, Mindy Simmons. I think she has a degree in engineering or something. Hi. How's it going? Pleased to meet you. Yeah, ditto. Hi. Huh?

You're my last hope. I've never reached out to you before, but my wife is in her hour of need. Your help could make all the difference in the world. Okay. See, boss? I told ya that ad in the church bulletin would pay off.

(IMITATING MARGE) I'm Marge Simpson, and even I'm against "Families Come First." Now it's time to do some coke off the blade of a knife. That ad makes me look like a criminal! Then why did you appear in it?

Holy- shining light unto us all.

Okay. I want pizza,

We can race 'em. Sure, for you, a baby's all fun and games. For me, it's diaper changes and midnight feedings. Doesn't Mom do that? Yeah, but I hear about it. Were you like this when Mom was pregnant with me?

"Ned Flanders, I mock your value system. You also appear foolish in the eyes of others." Well, howdy, Homer. Ooh, thanks for dropping by. Mmm, he's not responding. Proceed to level two-- antagonism.

This elevator only goes to the basement. And someone made an awful mess down there.

Here you go. A Laffy Meal for you, and a nostalgia meal for me. Oh, boy! This takes me back! Two ration stamps and an artillery shell full of oleo! What's your nostalgia prize, Grampa? Liberace action figure!

I just can't get the zoning permits. Hey, that reminds me, Mom. Buckingham Palace called. They want their hat back. Hey, kids, how about a hand for your mom? She's all right. - Yeah, Mom! - All right, Mom! - Oh, yeah. Thank you.

And do a decent job of it for a change ! Better yet, you have to mow my lawn in your wife's Sunday dress !

That wasn't so bad. Huh? Ow! Ow! Ow!

You little shutterbug. Cheese ! Cheese ! Oh, wait a minute.

Can't you just write on your arm like I do? All you're getting is rubber bands and paper clips? Don't you need a notebook or something? Nah. These days, everything's done on computers. And staplers. Computers and staplers.

I want to read it again. Nice try, mister. Milhouse, the acids in your hand could damage the newsprint. We wanna keep this comic forever so the last one alive... will have the honor of being buried with it.

I think it's a sign from God that we should all go nuts! Whoa-hoa! What the-- Ah! What is wrong with you? Go get that! Yes, ma'am.

There's only one thing left to do. Grab on to the handles, Marge! Got 'em. Ah, they stole the balloon! I've been living in there!

Stupid non-magical son can't pay to fix my car. Hey, Homer! Check it out! What the-- Is that a steak? Yeah. I know a little place. Who gave you all this money? Mmm, people. I guess they thought I was a charity case.

Ohh. I'm gonna miss the whole summer. Don't worry, boy. When you get a job like me, you'll miss every summer. Isn't it amazing? The same day you got a pool... is the same day we realized we liked you.

Mini toothpaste.

Stop that. I'm gonna kill him. No, I'm killing him first.

Okay, everybody. It's the moment you've all been waiting for. The pig de rÉsistance. Look at his nose. Congratulations, Homer. Your "Q" is a huge success. Hey, a toast to the host who can boast the most roast!

Oh, I'd always be second place to some kitten stuck in a tree. Let's go, Smithers. Smithers? Aah! Aah! Aah!

Go ahead. Throw your vote away. All hail President Kang!

I'm gonna miss you, big guy. Bart, your mother has the fool idea... that you're upset about something. Dad, I need help. Please. Oh. Now come on, Bart.

Hey, kids, lots of candy left for breakfast. Why don't we give it to some needy children then? No.

Oh, yeah. Now I remember you. Have you come up with a name for our new economy model ? You're gonna love this, Chief. The... Persephone. Persephone ? What the hell kind of name is "Persephone ?" She was the Greek goddess of spring and rebirth. Doh !

No. You see, friends, if our antinuclear naysayers... and choose-up-siders were to come upon a elephant... frolicking in the waters next to our nuclear power plant, they'd probably blame his ridiculous nose on the nuclear boogeyman.

Let the record show that the witness... eventually... pointed to... Krusty the Clown.

Stop! That's my car! Hey, that smells like regular. She needs premium, dude!

For the answer to this, we went straight to the source. Get outta my office!

Artie Ziff? Ohh-- Oh, that e-mail. Look, I got a little drunk, and we were-- I'm not surprised you want me back in your life. You can't spell party without Artie-- If you misspell party... or Artie. Uh-- - How you doing? - Look, it's great to see you, but you should know I'm happily married.

Wait till you see Lenny. He just got back from the plastic surgeon. Lenny, looks like you got the works. It started as an eye tuck, but the stock kept climbing. Come here. Mr. Burns is on TV. Mr. Burns? Here, Mr. Burns. Over here. Mr. Burns.

Hello? Hello? Stupid cordless phone. I'll try the old-fashioned model. Ah! That's better. How you doin', Gertie? And now our parody of Mad About You entitled...

Mmm. Oh. Hey, wiener boy... where do you think you're going?

Bio-nauts assemble! Captain! Science Officer! Security! Marge! Now I insist you take off your shoes when you get inside. And while you're in there, grab as much cancer as you can. Let the commencement beginulate!

How was it, honey? Whiskey, please. Me "hungee."

Seven, eight, nine--

Here it is- this week's family activity. Oh. A jigsaw puzzle. "Concert in Golden Gate Park. Ages eight to 80.” We know when we're not wanted. The box says it's a perfect way to spend the day.

It smells funny in there. No, it doesn't.

A principal's ransom in stolen goods! Well, sir, who's "ha-ha"-ing now, hmm? I don't know, but he's got lethal tuna breath. Ooh! Who does Nelson think he's impressing anyway, acting so cool all the time?

Dad, I think you're wrong about that robot trying to be your friend. Lisa, don't... contradict... your... elders. My hair. You chopped off my hair!

I should be able to run over as many kids as I want !

If we stand together, we are strong!

I've got a full male role model. And it would be nice to have someone here I can beat up. Ow! No fair! I'm telling. (LAUGHING) Okay, kids. You can keep him. Yay!

...Book of Revelations tells us... to watch for the seven signs of evil--

Ooh, man. He's here. The dude with the fireproof stomach. Spoon. They say he carved it himself from a bigger spoon.

Spoon. They say he carved it himself from a bigger spoon. - Five alarm chili, eh? - Mm-hmm. One, two--

you're going straight in the army where you'll be sent straight to America's latest military quagmire. Where will it be? North Korea, Iran?

Did you have a nice flight, Johnny Tightlips? I ain't sayin' nothin'. I understand. - How is your mother? - Ooh-wee. Who says I have a mother? Very well. Let's do this thing.

Whoo! Bravo! Bravo!

Would you sign my picture, Krusty? Sure, kid. Get in line. I love you, krusty! Over there. Okay, kids, open your books to page 60--

- Eat my shorts. - Pardon ? Now, I don't want you to worry, class. These tests will have no effect on your grades. They merely determine your future social status and financial success. If any. Mrs. Krabappel, isn't Bart supposed to face the window...

(DISCO MUSIC PLAYING) I'm turning this disco into a hockey rink. You mean a honky rink.

My Yorkshire terrier. He's tiny. You know, it's a joke. Here's a picture of Hurky. Wheww. Well, don't you know how to paint the town red. May I ask about your weekend? A bit overly familiar, but I'll allow it.

Hey! A library! No, I can't. That's the old, nerdy Lisa. Lisa, read about my adventures in the South Seas... and make me live again. We've got periodicals on microfiche.

(SEDUCTIVE MUSIC PLAYING) (LAUGHING) Oh, yeah.

But, sir, that's my office. Don't worry, Smithers. I'm putting you where the action is. Springtime fresh, winter white. What could be better? Oh, man, I really gotta-- NO-O-o! So, Bart, how are you feeling?

Uh, no, no. Uh, you just stay here and maintain your dignity. Ah. Here's a chance to earn my keep. I will go out and get these items from the food jobber.

No, no, no ! We stink. We stink. ...the 40, the 30, the 20, the 10, Touchdown ! Homer, were you planning on sitting in the car till the game was over ? Maybe.

Whew! I'm back. Aw, my loving family. Nothing's changed. Hidilly-ho, slave-a-reenos.

just grab something. All these movies are great. Look at this. "Test your F.Q.-- Fatherhood Quotient." Maybe you should try it on Homer. He'll fail it. Uh-huh. In a second. Well, I don't know.

Ah, geez. Will you look at that? Hmm? What have we become? We've given the word "mob" a bad name.

Holy moly. Talk about parenting. Uh-oh. Sleep well, Maggie. Ah, three for three.

I guess I am putting up the Halloween decorations a little early. Criticism accepted.

Th-That reminds me of a funny apron I saw-- You know, Marge, your family doesn't have to stand in the alcove. They're free to enjoy the club. Uh, come on, kids. Let's go sit in the car till your mom's done fitting in.

I was expelled, Dad. Remember the pipe bomb? The glee club brawl? Remember the school chapel collection plate? Bringing in the sheaves Exploding toilets ring a bell? Bringing in the sheaves Pay attention to me! Feet will all be marching Hello in there! Uh, I think you all owe my son an apology. I'm very sorry. That's okay. Appreciate it.

Eight, nine, ten ! This fight is history. Stick a fork in it. It's done. A stunning knockout by a thunderous solo punch... in the closing seconds of the 12th round. And Drederick Tatum is the new champion of the world ! Everyone to my place for blueberry Squishies and microwave burritos !

And it's exactly like "The Wreck of the Hesperus." And now, the final ordeal-- "The Paddling of the Swollen Ass-- With Paddles." Ow! Ow! Ow! Aah! Ow! Oh! Oh! And by the sacred parchment,

The important thing is that we wrapped up all the loose ends. So, in conclusion, good luck on tomorrow's big final exam. Exam? Oh! This is just like one of those bad dreams! What are you gonna do, Mr. Simpson?

But you got me. Who have I got? Oh. Well, you still have Lenny and Carl. Oh, Lenny and Carl suck! Please don't tell Lenny and Carl I said that, 'cause if I ever lost 'em as friends-- If Barney's that important to you, you've gotta work it out.

It started, appropriately enough, with an innocent boy being embarrassed... on Valentine's Day. Poor Ralph.

I want to meet the first female stealth bomber pilot. During the Gulf War, she destroyed 70 mosques. And her name is Lisa too. I want to see some birds get sucked into the engines, rare ones. This year I'm making ear plugs out of biscuit dough. They're ready.

(GRUNTS) Now, take that kid away.

Now Ralph is in the play with me. I just know he's gonna embarrass me in front of the whole school. Huh? Ohh, no. It's a package from Ralph.

Would you like it if I laughed at your misfortune?

Well, that's no-- Brains. Brains.

I can see everything, and they're none the wiser.

But for once, this isn't about Moe. What should I do, Doctor Hotdog? All right, I have an answer. You must perform for her one completely unselfish gesture. You mean, like give her full custody of the kids? Yeah, full custody. That's exactly what I-- - You're an idiot. - Oh!

including longtime holdout Tootie."

Ah, my beloved family. How was church? I, on the other hand, have been having the best day of my life, and I owe it all to skipping church. That's a terrible thing to say! Kids, your father doesn't really mean that.

Yeah. I'm looking for Homer Simpson. Oh! It's the woman I married in Vegas! Homer, you're a bad man. And your seed should be wiped from the earth. No offense, children.

Hey! You said we were going to Dairy Queen. I lied. Now help me rummage through Bob's trash for clues. Then I promise we'll go to the waterslide.

Help! I don't have much time! That does it! I'm going in! Bart, no! Cool, man!

Okay, Dad. I'll be persistent. Is that how you got Mom? Well, son, never underestimate the appeal of a man in uniform. Ohh, yeah. Ahh. Mmm. Oh, yeah.

I don't know. Don't tell me Mom dresses you.

Look, I bought you a Malibu Stacy chinchilla coat. Huh? You've come to buy my forgiveness. Sorry, Homer. Lisa, honey, I'm sorry but I really had a good time watching football with you and I think you had a good time with me. Yeah, I did.

La-la, here I am playing on my peach tree, Mom. Oh, all right, we'll go.

Why do you read that "Free" column, Homer? They never have anything good. Oh, my God!

He even tried to kill George Washington. The dastard! Give me all your money. Never!

Oh, I-- I never planned to escape. You see, this is a kamikaze mission.

Aaaaaaah ! Hilarious. Now, what in the world is wrong with that, Mrs. Simpson ? - There's nothing wrong with it. - Excuse me. He was addressing me. I know. There's nothing wrong with it. Excuse me. There is. I think it's a bad influence on children. Oh, give me a break !

Son, how's it going with the breakfast pâté? I'm on it.

All right. Ladies and gentlemen, he's all healed up and back for more. Let's give a big drunken welcome to Yodeling Zeke. Yodel-lay-hee yOdel-lay-hee odel-lay-hee

Only three cavities, Bart. Your best checkup ever.

(LAUGHING) Injured hippies. No, we'll never sell this thing. The brakes are shot, the engine's rusted. The only thing that works is the siren. (BLARING) (HIGH-PITCHED VOICE) Buy me! Buy me! Buy me! Buy me! I'll do it! Do what?

Yeah, but this time you woke up with more than a hangover. You're married to me. Me!

Yes, but it passes. Oh, uh, you lousy son of a-- I'll take it ! Hey, big spender. Why the change of heart ? Bea told me to enjoy my moola, and I'm going to, dagnabbit ! Huh. Yeah. Yeah.

Whoo-ho-ho-ho! Homer?

Not just for me, but for my dad. Heal. Heal. Heal!

A Mounds bar is not a sprinkle. A Twizzler is not a sprinkle. A jolly Rancher is not a sprinkle, sir. Perhaps in Shangri-la they are, but not here. Oh.

Martin. Martin! I'll curse that name till the day I die!

Mom, this fake snow is making me dizzy. We're almost finished. There's just a little bit of green left. There you are. You can help me spray the cookies.

What kind of a monster would humiliate me like this? This has been a Bart-toon presentation. In association with Ay Carumba Entertainment. Why that little--

Mmm. Say what they will about our cafeteria,

We're doomed. Doomed.

What'd he say? Put on our tuxedos? I want some taquitos. Welcome to the kitchen of tomorrow-- today! How much would you pay for a self-flipping hamburger pan? Nothing. Don't answer yet. Watch how easy it is to flip hamburgers... with the help of God's greatest creation-- the spring!

Come here. Shh. Where are we going ? I wanna make sure the kids don't hear. When I was young, I always hated knowing my parents were fighting. They're fighting in the car again. That music always sends a chill down my spine. Homer, do you remember the way you acted at the party last night ?

I think he thinks... I'm an idiot ! The only reason he's offering us this... is because he knows he's gonna lose the trial and have to pay us a cool million ! - Doh. I feel faint. - Five hundred thousand dollars ! I spit on his $500,000 ! Hmm.

"Oh, I'll stop sucking... later."

You're my best friend. Thanks, Krusty. Buy my cereal. Buy my cereal. I didn't do it ! Oh, I wish I could believe you.

Excellent. You fruits wouldn't know what to do with me! I first met Homer in 1927 in a bar in Brooklyn. Little did I know he would soon become Mrs. Joe DiMaggio, and-- Roll the clips!

Let's march all day and clean latrines all night

I'm a full-time family chauffeur. Now, now, honey. We all appreciate what you do, but real chauffeurs have uniforms and licenses. You could get in a lot of trouble with the Livery Commission. To hell with the Livery Commission. Marge, you don't know what you're saying. What a day for a stroll.

Well, I conducted the test myself And that slip looks just the right size for me Well, I like that girl - She's the cutest little thing - I know Plus, she likes me back And all mine from head to toe Yeah, she never makes me wonder when it comes to that

Homer, I want to throw a dinner party. Oh, I hate having parties. The toilet always gets backed up. I don't care if the sink shoots sludge. We're having a party. Man, that is flagrant false advertising!

Sounds like that gopher I caught in me lawn mower. Ew, I'd hate to be that kid's father. Uh-oh.

(ALL CHEERING) TOM: Overseas, the reaction tonight is decidedly different. Simpsons be praised! Praise be to Springfield! (ULULATING) But not everyone is ululating tonight. The President announced today he is pointing warheads at... Turn that off. This could destroy our town.

Hmm. There's a happy baby. Arent you? Arent you? Give me your purse. Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God. Shut up. ts not a purse. ts a diaper bag.

I heard your dad went into a restaurant and ate everything in the restaurant, and they had to close the restaurant.

I guess everyone has a different vision for the perfect world.

Oh, who am I kidding? I'm not over Maude at all. Yeah, maybe it was too soon. Well? Aren't you gonna invite me in?

I see him, son.

Mardi Gras, man. When The Big Easy calls, you gotta accept the charges.

Good Lord! It's coming up right behind him! What the-- No! No!

Are we there yet ? No ! Are we ever gonna be there ? How would I know ? Quit asking pointless-- Bart, look !

Why didn't you tell them? Because the myth of jebediah has value too. It's brought out the best in everyone in this town. Regardless of who said it, a noble spirit embiggens the smallest man.

The Simpsons (TIRES SCREECHING) D'oh! (SCREAMS) (BRAKES SCREECHING) What? Can't we sit on the couch without something happening? D'oh!

Wh-- He-- Would you like it if I laughed at your misfortune?

How do you figure we missed that ? Get off your duffs, boys. Get down to that studio ! Yes, I admit it. I hated him ! His hackneyed shenanigans robbed me of my dignity for years. I played the buffoon while he squandered a fortune on his vulgar appetites.

Mr. Simpson, please cover your ears while I say the secret access word. Cheese.

Brilliant. They transduced amplitude modulation... via the concavity of that oversized beverage conveyance. I mean, that is some clever "viving." All right, you kids, come down now. We promise we won't kill ya. Speak for yourself.

- Whoo-hoo! - Whoo-hoo! Simpson, what in God's name are you-- Zagnut bar, Mr. Smithers? Razzles, Skittles, Whatchamacallits, Twizzlers?

but you do have to have a loving attitude. Be nice to your sister. - Okey-dokey. - Go on, Bart. No time like the present. Hi, man. I don't want your pity. Aw, come on. I'll cheer you up. How ?

Hey, who's the mop top with the big schnozz ? Don't you knoW anything, boy ? That's Ringo starr. What Is this ?

Yes, I need to fit into this in time for a funeral. Thank you. l-l need some liposuction. Just enough to make me attractive to this man. One 10-minute suck-and-tuck.

I don't want to go on this oceanographic expedition, Father. I get seasick taking a shower. Clean but nauseous. "Clean but nauseous." With the rolling and the heaving and the you make me sick! You've disgraced the name of John Nerdlebaum Frink. But, Father, I...

Come back here with my young'un!

Homer Simpson wrecks my pig, Cypress Hill steals my orchestra... and Sonic Youth's in my cooler! Get out of there, you kids! Oh, come on, Mr. Frampton. You're not gonna eat all that watermelon. Please! I'm trying to perform.

Mr. Burns. Bah! It was naive of you to think I would mistake this town's... most prominent 104-year-old man for one of my elementary school students.

- You're gone! - Uh-oh. "Tragic news tonight. 120 dead... in a tidal wave in Kuala La-la--" "Pur--" "Kuala Lum-pur--" - France. - Yoink!

I really don't want to talk about it. If you change your mind, I won't be far. Thanks, but... I've been told I'm a good listener. But when you're a captain, you never know when people are just flattering ya. Yarr.

Your father wanted to be a policeman but they said he was too heavy. The army said I was too heavy. The police said I was too dumb.

Mr. Hutz, why are you burning all your personal papers? As of this moment, Lionel Hutz no longer exists. Say hello to Miguel Sanchez. Mmm, maybe we should call it a night. Okay. I should get home to my daughter before that naked talk show comes on.

Disco Shrew can still boogaloo. JJ f Band: Disco f

Stop chasing Ganesh!

(GRUNTING) Oh, Smithers, guide me in. My pleasure, sir. Smithers, what's my password? It's your age, sir. Excellent.

Blue. Hey, you two birds ! You're gonna be suckin' all your meals through straws if you don't shut your traps. Well, looky here. Little Bart Simpson.

Oh, yeah. This is good. So, uh, ain't you guys gonna ask me about my hat? - Ah! - Ah! Hey, Carl, what's with the hat? Oh, what, this thing? I got it down at the museum.

So sit back, relax and watch our revue In Soviet Union Revue watches you Tennessee Ernie Ford? Now I know you're dead.

Whoa! Cool. Bart, quit it! Hey.

Well, I believe I'll vote for a third-party candidate. Go ahead. Throw your vote away.

And now, the Top Hat Channel... is honored to present Broadcast Nudes. Ooh ! Gross ! Yet strangely compelling.

It was me ! You fell for it ! Homer, these novelty ice cubes are often made from highly toxic chemicals. Ironically, a real fly would have been much more sanitary. You should see the look on your face. It's priceless. Hmm.

Yeah, with, like, a thousand boobs. Hoo-hoo! That's the god I'm gonna worship. Well, there's only one god for me- your dad's old hunting trophy. On, Dasher. On, Dancer. Man, I must be wasted.

So, uh, um, should I sign my original name? just put an "X," then call yourself whatever the hell you want. Well, now, there's no need for profanity. My name may have changed, but I'm still the same man I was last week.

For knocking Mr. Burns out of a third-story window. Makes sense to me. Did he die? What am I, a doctor?

The man chosen to deliver this precious cargo to Europe... was America's wealthiest, and therefore most trustworthy, citizen-- C. Montgomery Burns.

The law is very clear on this. They must be exterminated as quickly and gruesomely as possible. No! They're mine! I'm sure we can work this out.

That's the collection money! Oh, yeah. Smells like church. I guess it's obvious what's happened here. Bart Simpson has somehow managed to sneak his bedroom into my house. Well, come on! Use your imaginations! No, Dad. I did it.

I'll be right back.

f Homer Screams f f Homer Screams f

Hi, Lisa. Hi, Super Nintendo Chalmers.

Hmm, so, what's the verdict? Oh, dear God. I can't even put a bag over my head. Yes, you can.

- I like to play with you. - Oh, Maggie. My poor back. I like to play with you. I like to p-- I like to play-- Dad ! Homer, what happened ?

Some teenagers are hanging out in front of the store. I-i think they could start slacking at any moment. Well, Ned, you don't have to stand for that. You just march right up to those youngsters and tell them to vamoose. Yeah, well, if you're sure that'll help. Hey, let's go over to the one-hour photo and breathe some fumes.

Thank God it's Wednesday! - It's Friday. - Uh-oh. Wrong pills.

grown accustomed to your face. - ii - I’ve grown accustomed- J To his face; J And dreams of gouging out his eyes J J I’ve grown accustomed to my hate J

We need the outlet for our rock tumbler. Plug it in! Plug it in! What, the rock tumbler or the TV? The TV! The TV! Show

They seem to be building some sort of a shantytown. Get away, protestors! You can't stop me from living my life! No respect for women! No peace! just try to push the right buttons now!

- Oh, that felt good. - Let me try. Oh, yeah. Oh, boy. Oh, that was so sweet. So, Homer. How'd you do? Well, I--

I have to deliver a message. It's the skywriters' code. I am so sick of that damn code!

Have you gone completely fakakta?

Huh? Give me 700 Krusty Burgers! You want fries with that? You did it, Dad! You saved us! I'm proud you're my father. Go away. Eating. Well, it sure is lucky... we stumbled upon this old, abandoned summer camp.

What is this, Toyota Previa? Dodge Caravan. Sweet. Look! They're making a movie! Robert Downey jr. is shooting it out with the police. I don't see any cameras. Okay. While Mel and I are working,

Can't let Dad see me playing hooky!

Some nerds of note include popcorn magnate Orville Redenbacher, rock star David Byrne and Supreme Court justice David Souter. Oh, not Souter! Oh, no! Come on, Mr. Simpson. You'll never pass this course if you don't know the periodic table. - I'll write it on my hand. - Oh!

What's the matter with me? I used to have hundreds of ideas. What do you want? I just changed your diaper. Are you hungry? Are you cold? Do you want to go home?

My job. My job. Repetitiveness is my job. I am gonna go out there tonight and give the best performance of my life. The best performance of your life? The best performance of my life. Where is that lousy little pisher? Bart!

My God-- The lemonade. Look at the lemonade. Uh-oh. Hey, look at that. Isn't that something? Quick-- Everybody inside.

Burn their poop. I am so screwed. I can't drive to work, I can't drive to the store, and I certainly can't drive to the store at work. I guess I'll have to do all your driving chores. That's what a good wife does-- picks up the slack.

Like the cleaning of a house, it Never Ends.

I'm afraid the inoculation has swollen his ear holes shut. Maybe this would be a good time to talk about the side effects. The boy's hearing should clear up in a day. If it doesn't, call me in the Bahamas. For now, he can express himself with this complimentary pen. Cool. Oh, it's a good pen. Try it out. All right.

Rainier wolfcastle! TV anchorman and Springfield institution, Mr. Kent Brockman! This just in. Go to hell! From the world of organized crime, say hello to Anthony "Fat Tony" D'Amico!

Well, that's a plus.

MARGE: Maggie! HOMER: Come on, Maggie! Come on! BART: The red button! ALL: Hit the red button! Hit the red button! HOMER: Hit the red button! (ALL EXCLAIMING) HOMER: Ew! Maggie, press the red button!

I'm sorry. Did-- Did you just call me a liar? No. I said you were fired. Oh. That's much worse.

and your card was just great." Why, Simpson, you've made my day. You're a true gentleman. Yeah, well, I'll be on-- Hello, there's more. "In case you can't tell, I'm being sarcastic.

So peaceful and relaxing-- doesn't even matter if I catch a single fish. Come on, you stupid fish. Take the bait! Don't make me come down there!

Oh, goody gumdrops. You missed the whole slide show, Homer. Oh, fantastic. Marge, you're never gonna believe what happened. I was down at the Kwik-E-Mart minding my own business when-- Ooh, ooh, ooh, the news !

Seven, six-- five, four, three, two, one-- What happened?

Oh! Manjula? Apu. Remember me? Obviously not.

When he's done in there, I gotta go.

The fly's stuck in Flanders's house. I'll go contact the nearest adult. There's no time. We're going in. My eyeglass repair kit. Let it go.

Gentlemen, we need to get Lisa Simpson out... and Amber Dempsey back in.

And that mule went on to save spring break.

You come with me. Come with Luigi. You don't want to sit with the rest of the scum. - I only consider you scum compared to Krusty. - Well, right. I can see that. I'll have the cannoli. You see how you scum. Let me get this straight.

I've been waiting for you. Come in, my captivating one.

That's how they want you to feel.

Which, if true, means death for us all. And now, "Kent's People."

All right, dorks, this is a holdup. Oh, yes! Download to papa. Yoink dot adios, back-slash losers.

You opened the show with a fire drill, and everyone cleared out. Mm. So Mother was right. It was my fault. Go ahead. Water it down some more. My God, man. I've watered her down as far as she'll go. I cannot water no more.

Like Marge becomes a robot Maybe Moe gets a cell phone Has Bart ever owned a bear Or how 'bout a crazy wedding Where something happens and doo doo doo doo doo Sorry for the clip show Have no fears We've got stories for years

- Are we there yet? - No. Are we there yet? No. - Are we there yet? - No. Where are we going? We're going to Storytown Village, Grampa. It's an amusement park for babies. Oh! just leave me in the car with the window open a crack. That's the plan. I think it's nice we're doing something Maggie will enjoy for once.

Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Huh! Oh! He's got the wrench!

and you're giving me a hissy fit. Marge, can I get some change for the candy machine? Oh, here! Hey, there's some quarters in here.

Well, you are a very lucky man, Apu. You see, the bullet ricocheted off another bullet... that was lodged in your chest from a previous robbery. Apu, you saved my life. And as a small token of my appreciation, I got you your job back at the Kwik-E-Mart.

Now, peasants, since the Middle Ages had no compact disks or Super Mario men, people found entertainment in abusing the village idiot.

I'm sorry, young man. You're just not ready. Pick up your check at the front office, and for God's sake, put some clothes on ! I guess it's back to good old Springfield.

Well, at least we got a free sample of Reading Digest. Marge, I never read a magazine in my life, and I'm not gonna start now.

johnny Carson's third wife and the Russian mafia. Each Planet Springfield is filled with priceless Hollywood gewgaws. There's the coffee mug from Heartbeeps! And there's the cane from Citizen Kane! Wait a minute. There was no cane in Citizen Kane.

I've got a bottomless mug of new Duff Extra Cold... for Barney Gumble! Oh, yeah Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug!

Two Krusty shakes, a doughnut burger with cheese... and a party-size bucket of flan.

Sorry, Marge. They're just not our sort. Well, then I'd like to speak with Jesus. I'm afraid he's gone native. (LAUGHING) Whoa! Stop it! Guys, I'm serious! No!

I thought I'd follow him around for a day to see what makes him tick.

Next up's a real lowlife. Bob Dylan wrote a song to keep him in prison. Say hello to Jack Crowley. Yee-haw! Go, bull! Toss his salad! Oh, he's down!

Well, don't worry about sports. I got that covered. Back off, Bart. This may be the only chance I get... as a second-grader to produce my own TV show, - and I'm not gonna let you screw it up. - Mom. Oh, let your brother do sports. Mom. That "Mom" stuff doesn't work on me.

Well, pardon us, Mr. Gucci Loafers. I bought these shoes from a hobo. Well, la-dee-da, Mr. Park Avenue Manicure. I'm sorry. I believe in good grooming. You're not gonna grow nothin' on the old Simpson place. That's why your daddy abandoned it. Oh, what do you know?

Oh, I see! Oh. Well.

Homer here's a check for $2,000. I also wanted to give you each something for believing in me. Lisa, this is the first volume of "the Great Books of Western Civilization." You'll receive a new one every month from Beowolf to Less Than Zero.

- Yeah, well, Merry Christmas. - It's Christmas ? You wouldn't know it around here. And why is that ? For one thing, there's no tree Well, I was just on my way out to get one ! Can we go too, Dad ? Yeah, can we ? No !

But watch out for retroviruses. Oh, boy, are they retro. It's a fun design by R. Crumb, who was friends with Harvey Pekar. Seriously, though. Touch one and you're dead.

And now for the main course-- steamed Maine cabbages! Pardon me for asking, but where the hell's my stupid lobster?

Yes, let's keep the--

You're still in the way. You don't seem to be moving at all. Oh, for cryin' out loud, just knock her ass down. Way to shove, Edna. Let us roll. Guys, is it really true? Are you cold-blooded egg murderers? Don't use that look on me. I invented that look.

D'oh, no. I said steamed hams. That's what I call hamburgers.

Help! We have to disable its central processor. Come on!

Where's that little punk? We go on in 10 minutes. Oh, the tension. Somebody, walk on my back. Huh? Ow! Oh-- Ow!

Huckleberry Finn and Thomas Sawyer. Now for the traditional lowering of the bodies into the coffins.

The unsold copies of Dad's autobiography.

Oh, I can't go to jail! I got a swanky lifestyle. I'm used to the best. Krusty, this is America. We don't send our celebrities to jail. We're just going to garnish your salary.

People, this young man here is the inner child I've been talking about. What? Son, you've never read any of my books, have you?

Oh, great. Three in a bed.

Yes, exactly! Ohh! Hey! Mountain Dew? Ohh! Mr. Foreman, has the jury reached a verdict?

He was my heir for a brief period, you know? Yes, sir, I remember. - Mmm. - Mmm. - Anything left? - Uh, only the sour quince log, sir. Dispose of it.

That is one bitchin' bike. Daddy said a cuss word! Lighten up, Roddy.

I'm Troy McClure. You probably remember me... from such films as the Revenge of Abe Lincoln... and the Wackiest Covered Wagon in the West. The history of chocolate starts with the ancient Aztecs. In those days, instead of being wrapped in a hygienic package, chocolate was wrapped in a tobacco leaf. And Instead of being pure chocolate like we have today,

Loaftime, the cable network for the unemployed. We'll be back with more tips on how to win the lottery right after this. Unemployed ? Out of work ? Sober ? You sat around the house all day, but now it's Duff time.

Do you know how dangerous that is? Do not anger Talkie Tiki! I am all power-- I'll be at Moe's. So I says to the cop, "No, you're driving under the influence of bein' a jerk!"

That's right, "Liser."

And the winner is 17! I win!

There are a lot of troublemakers in this school and I can't be everywhere at once. Go on. Look, let's can the euphemisms.

I'll just wait out back until then. I look forward to workin' with ya. Mr. Smithers! Wait! You can't let yourself end up in a place like this. You've got two choices. You can give up on yourself and take the Barney-guarding job-- like so many of us have contemplated in our darkest moments--

How many of you have ever dreamed of being in that movie? Me! Me! Me! Well, you're in luck 'cause we're gonna act out a scene, and I'll need a volunteer to play Obi-Wan. Kenobi?

How did you know? I'm psychic. Look, I don't know if I want a roofer who hangs out in bars. (SCOFFS) You're right, Marge. I guess I should look for roofers at poetry slams and yoga retreats. - High five! - Nah. I got standards. I don't hand out high-fives like Chiclets. Ray would high five me.

Oh, it's great to have you back, boy. We were afraid we'd lost you ! Welcome back, Bart ! I'm sorry we had such a terrible fight. Bart, isn't there something you'd like to say to your sister ? Okay, I'm sorry too. No, no, no ! That won't do at all !

Hey, jessica! Coming! Poor sucker. It's amazing what some guys will do for a pretty face. Not me though. Wait till she sees the second-rate job I do on these stairs.

Well, kids, I promised you a little treat in lieu of dinner, and here it is-- the man who took an abandoned mule tannery and turned it into a summer wonderland, Mr. Krusty the Clown. See? I told you Krusty would come. just like I said.

Son, we are about to break the surly bonds of gravity... and punch the face of God!

You call this Postum? You call this a tax return? You call this a supercomputer?

Well, we better start our Love Day cleanup. You kids take care of the wrapping paper. I'm going to dismantle Love Land. What a terrible waste. Yes, but the memories will last a lifetime.

Bart ! You don't even care ! You don't even care !

Looks like this is the end.

You're on Frame Up. Uh, what! That's right. Homer Simpson, you're the latest victim of the new reality show, Frame Up. It's the man with the braces. I'm also your host. Now let's meet a ghost.

Oh, I guess planning a vacation around a missing kid... is not the way to have fun. Hey. Time for Brazil's favorite kids' show, Teleboobies. Clockwise.

They have violent names for everything here. Oh, I see. All right. I'll have the baby guts. Lady, you disgust me.

You're in direct competition! And don't go easy on each other just because you're brother and sister. I want to see you both fighting for your parents' love! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!

Oh, no. You poor thing. Here. Ow! Son of a--

Now, Bart, just look out the window. It'll take your mind off the pain. And when you're done, I've got more lollies. No, thanks. I already helped myself.

New feelings brewing in Duffman!

Whoa! Wow! Man, you never know which way this crazy ball's gonna go! Yeah, right. You're just trying to trick me, 'cause you don't want me playing with your video game. Here, go ahead. - No. Let me try the cup and ball. - Get your own! Come on! Don't be a cup-and-ball hog! Hey, give it! That's mine!

the employee prescription drug program is terminated! What? Why? In these days of rising health care costs, blah, blah, blah, lip service, lip service. Get out! (EMPLOYEES GASP) This must be the nasty surprise he mentioned in the invitation. - (UNINTELLIGIBLE ANGRY CHATTER) - No! This sucks! Get him!

Oh! If I had a nickel for every time I've heard that. I'm very mad at 'ou.

You know, Bart, maybe it's just the concussion talking, but any way you choose to live your life is okay with me.

(SCATTING CONTINUES) Hey, Homer. Do fries come with that shake? Sure do. Mmm. (CHUCKLING) (PEOPLE CHEERING) (SCATTING)

Hmm, sorry, Dad. You're too old.

Oh! Hi, kids. How was Duff Gardens? Can't talk. Comin' down.

That's a good one. We'll use that. No, I mean the mailman's here ! Dear God ! Are you planning to water the mail ? Uh-- Uh, I guess it wouldn't do any good to run, 'cause you're a mail lady, and you know my name and address and everything, huh ? That's right. Well, I'm still gonna run !

I think you would do well with crazy guy. Coke and Pepsi are the same thing! Wake up, people!

Dont worry. Everything is fine. What the hell is that? Eight. Dad, it's just a bug.

Hey, what are you doing? I gotta pay for that! No, Moe. You've got it all wrong. People buy beer from you.

(GROANING) My heart! It hurts so much! (GROANS) Like it's caught in a vise!

f Thunderclaps f Goldie, you were more than just a goldfish. You were a member ofthe family.

Oh, yeah. Let's take it. Dad, it's a tobacco company! They make billions off the suffering and deaths of others. She's right, Dad. They can afford a lot more. No! I'm with Lisa. Let's take 'em to the cleaners. We all agree that 150 million is an insult. The least we can accept is 150 billion!

A glove slap to the little ol' face Will get you satisfaction Glove slap, baby A glove slap, baby

Oh, cacti! Ow! Aah! Ow! Aah! Ow! Oh! Dirty diapers on strings! Ow! Ohh! Ohh! Ow! Ooh!

What do I do? What do I do? In the name of God, you've gotta tell me! Relax. It's just a simulator. Nothing can go wrong. Just poke blindly at the controls until they let you go. Oh! Ohh! Oh, no. No! This can't be happening!

Luckily I was carrying an umbrella at the time. You invented Itchy-- the itchy & scratchy Itchy? Sure. In fact, I invented the whole concept of cartoon violence. Before I came along, all cartoon animals did was play the ukulele. I changed all that.

Anybody out there feel the need for speed? Yay! Yay. Then get ready for the pride of the United States Air Force! The British-made Harrier jump jet!

Oh, I've been robbed! Man, so this is how it feels. I'd better see my shrink and rob his ass! Someone snuck in and took our presents. Do you think it was Papa? I wouldn't put it past him. He stole my gold tooth the night he left.

Uh... page 900. But, Reverend... Damn Flanders. Hey, Lise, a moment of your time. Yeah? Suppose I was writing a second letter to a girl and I already used up my "A" material. Ooh, could it be there's a special someone you're not telling me about?

My dear, sweet Pinchy. No more pain where you are now, boy. Oh, God! That's tasty. I wish Pinchy were here to enjoy this.

I don't like the looks of those teenagers. Could this record-breaking heat wave be the result of the dreaded greenhouse effect?

You lied to me! You promised to get rid of this gun. I put it in a safe place, Marge. I mean, what are the odds the boy would look in the vegetable crisper? How could you?

Herman, your beef is with me. - Leave the girl out of this. - Okay. Homer! It's too late for me, Marge. Sell the jeans and live like a queen! Is Bart home?

Mmm, recirculated air. Uh, Homer? What, Flanders? Well, sir, I hate to be a suspicious Aloysius on you, but did you steal my air conditioner?

Shiva H. Vishnu! Where is that noise coming from?

Roger Meyers's next full-length feature... was the wildly successful, Pinitchio. Now you be-a good, Pinitchio. And don't-a you lie. - I promise I will never hurt you. - Ouch-a!

I won't even get sexual or nothin'-- unless that's what you want.

Hey, will you guys help me fix my-- Hey, how come you guys got better chairs than me? - It's a secret. - Shut up.

Okay, Bart. Your turn, your turn.

the Simpsons will keep on gagging for years to come. I can't believe it! We won another contest! The Simpsons are going to Delaware! I want to see Wilmington! I want to visit a screen door factory. This will be the last season.

(ALL CHEER) (SOBS) Even the Applause-O-Meter is crying.

Uh... Oh, we finally found out why the dog was scooting around on his butt all day. Turns out he had an impacted anal gland. The excitement never stops.

Hey, Moldy, do you think Santa will be able to find... Elf County under all this snow ? I doubt it, Bubbles. We'll be sad little elves this Christmas. Oh, no!

Well, we were lucky this time. But it's all too clear that some things in this universe... aren't meant to be trifled with. Homer, what are you doing? Something I should have done a long time ago. I'll teach you to mess with my machine!

- Yeah! - All right!

Check. Mmm-- Simpson, do you know who chewed my--

just go in and act casual like you buy 'em all the time. Hi. Um-- Let me have one of those porno magazines, large box of condoms, a bottle of Old Harper, a couple of those panty shields...

Geronimo! (LAUGHING) Look. We can go inside.

Eternal darkness. Well, that's just great.

It's like Paul's song, "Live and Let Live." It was "Live and Let Die." Whatever, whatever. It had a good rhythm. I guess I have been pretty hard on a lot of people, especially my dad. Thanks, you guys.

were set by crackpots who half killed themselves. The only way someone new can get in the book... is with some kind of group stunt. Group stunt? Like that town that made the world's largest omelet. Denver? No, Spanish. Fellow Springfielders. I have called you all here so we can enter...

Moe, for you, anything.

When do you expect the ringing will stop? In about 10 to 15 seconds!

Well, I'd attribute the product failure... to fundamental shifts in our key demographic, coupled with the overall crumminess of Poochie. Oh, you gotta stop this thing! Please! I'm gettin' egged on the street! Do somethin'! Do somethin'!

That's disgusting. Dont look, Seymour. - I'm a veteran, Mother. - A veteran bed wetter.

Oh, no. The train!

From now on, children acting up in public places will be lightly tased. CHILD: Mommy, pick me up. (ELECTRICITY CRACKLING) I wasn't kidding. And in downtown Springfield, a statue is being erected to America's most misunderstood hero, "The deadbeat dad."

That was the idea. Oh. By itself, something like this might not call for an extreme penalty, but this is not an isolated incident. Bart's behavior is unruly. He's frequently absent from school, then gives teachers pathetic excuse notes... that are obviously childish forgeries when compared to--

Into death. What? That's ridiculous. Homer's not dead. He's right out back in the hammock. Oh, Marge. Of course Homer's alive. He's alive in all our hearts. Yes, Marge. I can see him.

I'm worried about the kids, Homie. Lisa's becoming very obsessive. This morning, I caught her trying to dissect her own raincoat. I know. And this perpetual motion machine she made today is a joke. It just keeps going faster and faster. And Bart isn't doing very well either.

You're on! Lisa, you play winner! Come on, come on! I'm gaining on ya! Oh, honey, you missed a great race. Bart was winning. Then he said, "This is stupid." And he stopped, and I won!

Professor Rocko, Chancellor Knuckles? Wait-- I-- Okay. All right. Okay. Get every dime. The Whifflesnops need new cummerbunds. We look like slobs I'm beginning to think this alumni party was just a ruse to get our money.

And you know it don't come easy You don't have to shout Or leap about You can even play them easy

"Bart will give back the Malibu Stacy head you thought was lost." Oh, Bart, that's really sweet.

- Whew! - Whew! Whew! Oh! No! You got the black one.

I hope you all saved room, because I made your favorite dessert. Store-bought snack cakes-- both kinds.

Aw, nuts. Huh? What? Oh, already?

(CROWD BOOING) All over America today, viewers were outraged by the Super Bowl Half-time Show's blatant display of religion and decency.

Lousy two-legged pants. Homie, it's 4:30 in the morning. Little Rascals isn't on till 6:00.

Ooh. But as for you, Santa's Little Helper, you are a selfish coward and a bad dog! Get out! And stay out!

Hi, you've reached the Corey Hotline-- 4.95 a minute. Here are some words that rhyme with Corey: Glory, story-- allegory, Montessori.

Marge, you're right. We do have to have a party! Party? No! No parties!

Ow! Oh! Let me guess. Now you're gonna start working him over with the brass knuckles. You are so predictable. You know what would be surprising? A foot massage. Shut up. D'oh!

It's hard to get in the mood... with all those murderous eyes staring at us. Just think of them as twinkling stars. Homie, I'm sorry. I can't. I just keep thinking about everything we're gonna miss.

Look, you're a sweet kid. But I'm not exactly father material. I curse, I gamble, I pick fights with homeless people, I--

One more appliance could overload the system. Fear not. Our town has dodged disaster, and I have come out smelling like guest room soap. You know what will cool this place down?

Homer. What ? - Truckasaurus ! - Where ? Where ?

(GRUNTS) I miss prison.

Can you imagine a world without lawyers? And so, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I rest my case. Hmm. Mr. Hutz, do you know you're not wearing any pants?

Little do you know you're drawing ever closer to the poisoned doughnut. There is a poisoned one-- isn't there, Smithers? Uh, no, sir. I discussed this with our lawyers. They consider it murder. Damn their oily hides! Bring him to me!

I thought I said knock it off. We didn't say anything. Not one word.

Homer, listen carefully. john is a homo-- - Right. - sexual. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. I danced with a gay. Marge, Lisa, promise me you won't tell anyone. Promise me!

What about you, boy ? All right, I'll sign. Are you boys through playing war ? Yes, Mrs. Simpson. Good. Then here's some cupcakes. Oh, boy ! Cupcakes. Mmm !

Hey, Mister! Put the cartoon back on! I'm sorry, boys. We don't allow children in this class. What about Lisa? She's only eight! Lisa, did you lie to us? Well, I just wanted to belong!

Splendid, Batsy. You've done it again.

Okay, Bart. Back up the truck. Mr. Leonard, Mr. Carlson?

You’re Baby Stink Breath! You’re Baby Stink Breath! En francais. Vous étes i 'entant Stink Breath!

Nice Rapture, Einstein. (PEOPLE JEERING)

I'll get you for this, Midler! And off to your left is Hugh Hefner's Shelbyville pad.

I'll be right back. Oh, it's hot! Oh! Ooh!

There's only one beer left, and it's Bart's. Hey, boy, how's the microphone working? Fine. Bart! I would love to get a present like that. Here you go.

And you know something, folks ? As ridiculous as this sounds, I would rather feel the sweet breath of my beautiful wife... on the back of my neck as I sleep... than to stuff dollar bills into some stranger's G-string. Am I wrong ? Or am I right ?

Want a second opinion You're also lazy Dr. Zaius, Dr. Zaius Dr. Zaius, Dr. Zaius Dr. Zaius, Dr. Zaius oh, Dr. Zaius Dr. Zaius, Dr. Zaius Can I play the piano anymore Of course you can Well, I couldn't before

Did you raise the dead? Yes! But the car's okay? Uh-huh. All right, then. Martin Prince, report to my office at once. And bring that big, juicy, chess club brain of yours along with you. Mmm.

And I'm the one who withered your livestock, soured your sheep's milk and made your shirts itchy. Hey, you destroyed my turnip crop. No, that was gophers.

Marge, tell Bart I just want to drink a nice glass of syrup like I do every morning. Tell him yourself. You're ignoring Lisa, not Bart. Bart, thank your mother for pointing that out. Homer, you're not not talking to me. And, secondly, I heard what you said. Lisa, tell your mother to get off my case. Uh, Dad, Lisa's the one you're not talking to.

What kind of beer? The Leader knows how miserable you, Marge, Lisa, Bart and Maggie are. Really? I'm surprised about Maggie. just come up and watch our orientation film. You're free to leave at any time. Wow! A free movie! Thanks! Out of my way, jerk-ass! Once we collect enough money for fuel,

In science class they're dissecting frozen hoboes-- And I have the bindles to prove it. Real news is great, son, but I'm getting a thousand hits an hour with grade "A" bull plop. Give me a hundred lotto tickets, Apu, because Mr. X is on a roll.

Would you kids like to come with me? Sounds good to me. Let's go. Okay. I guess so. All right, thanks for participating in our focus group, kids. Today we're gonna show you some Itchy and Scratchy cartoons. Cool! We want you to tell us what you think.

So what are we doing, a lengthening or a widening? Yarr. Uh, let's make it both. Garr! Don't worry. It's inflammable. Let's keep this our little secret.

Grampa, what are you talking about? Oh, nothing. As I was saying, things couldn't be worse for Lisa or Bart.

and introduced the toothbrush to our fair City. Hey! Not bad! For years, he was Springfield's only basketball player, but he still managed to entertain the crowds. in the market crash of 1929, he helped people jump out of windows to avoid disgrace.

Hey, why didn't you tell me the new issue of Weird was here? I love their hilarious send-ups of hit movies.

I thought I dreamed that kiss. I'm so sorry I misjudged you, Mom. You had to leave to protect your family. How did you survive? Oh, I had help from my friends in the underground. Jerry Rubin gave me a job marketing his line of health shakes, I proofread Bobby Seale's cookbook...

The Simpsons D'oh!

Yeah, Homer, um, most movie scripts are 120 pages. This is only 17, and several of the pages are just drawings of the time machine. So you're saying you don't want to star in my movie? I'm sorry, Homer. Well, if Alec is out, I'm out too. You're on your own, Potsie. "The Terminizer: An Erotic Thriller."

No, it's true. I got their names written down right here... in what I call my, uh, enemies list. "jane Fonda, Daniel Schorr, jack Anderson"-- Hey! This is Richard Nixon's enemies list. You just crossed out his name and put yours. Yeah, okay, gimme that. Gimme it back.

Forgive me. I'm just so envious of the happiness you all have. Can I please be part of it? Just till I get back on my feet?

The elderly aren't like you or me, Bart. They thrive on consistency, predictability... and a life with no surprises. Sounds good to me.

Springfield's number one news team... with our Emmy Award-winning anchorman Kent Brockman, Good evening, I'm Scott Christian. Kent Brockman is off tonight.

No, wait. Coping with Senility.

Hello. Is this Krusty the Clown? Is this the callback for that porno film? Look, I was a little nervous that day, but I'm all man, I can assure you.

So long, officers ! Uh-oh. Hey, what's all the-- My beer !

Hey, everybody! Let's all turn our desks backwards before Mrs. Krabappel shows up. Yeah! That's a great idea! Huh?

Oh, Homey, I'm so sorry. You got that big speech in five minutes, Simpson. You're not gonna hang yourself, are ya ? Doh-- Huh ?

Bart. Huh? Ha! Mrs. Krabappel, I-- I didn't-- Attention. This is Principal Skinner, your principal, with a message from the principal's office. All students please proceed immediately to an assembly... in the Butthead Memorial Auditorium.

Oh, about that. When I changed your oil, I may have drained your brake fluid. I didn't say anything 'cause I thought you'd be mad. Oh, boy. My bad. Becky, I'm so sorry I accused you... of trying to kill me and steal my family. Hey, no biggie. I was trying to steal your family.

This show stinks! I knew my son would blow it! Where's the remote? Oh, it might as well be in China. MAN: Live from Springfield Stadium, it's Krusty the Clown's Wet 'N' Wild Bar Mitzvah! Shalom, Springfield! Shalom. I can't schmear you!

I'd love to stay, but I have an early meeting tomorrow.

- Hey, man. You're fat. - Fatso. Moron. Fat too. Well, yeah. I guess I could lose a few pounds. And I can be kind of thick sometimes. You've failed at everything you've ever tried.

I think you're starting to crack. Apologize for that remark! No way. Attaboy!

And if scaring old ladies don't float your boat, watch this! Come on out, boy! It's windy! Wow! You're right, Dad. It is windy! Hey, look. Nobody's driving.

Oh, brother, where art thou ? Take it easy, buddy. They moved across the street. Oh. Sorry. I know how you feel, Mr. Simpson.

since the Middle Ages had no compact disks or Super Mario men, people found entertainment in abusing the village idiot.

Aw, this quiz show crap is just a fad. Fad or not, it's here to stay. And it's killing your show in the ratings. What do you want from me? I do a kids' show. And it's a classic. We just want you to open it up. Run wild, shatter the boundaries, slash and burn. Without alienating anyone. Oy!

K-ZMB-- All-zombie radio. The zombies have the Earthlings on the run. Soon, the human race will wither and fall,

Hello? Anyone home? Marge? Maggie? Ahhh! (READING TITLES)

- I thought you liked the new dad. - Whatever. Oh, this family needs a live wire, but it's just not me. That's okay, Marge. You're a good wet blanket.

I can't take much more of this. I'm counting on you, Lise. Whee. What's wrong, honey? There's something troubling me, but I don't think I can tell you because it's a secret.

All I'm gonna use this bed for is sleeping, eating and maybe building a little fort. That's it! Free mouthwash! Free shampoo! Free shower curtain! Free shower curtain!

Well, as tragic as all this is, it's a small price to pay for countless hours of top-notch entertainment. Amen ! Well, Bart, has Dr. Hibbert made his point ? He certainly has, Dad. I learned a real lesson here today.

Bart ! Bart ! Oh, Bart ! Oh, Bart, my beautiful son ! Why couldn't You have taken me ? Of all the fates on heaven and earth, why did this one befall me ?

D'oh! I mean, hey. Good morning, Father dear. Hope you're well.

Ah, Westminster Abbey. Edward the Confessor himself could not have done better. Now to set the clocks to Greenwich mean time. My dear abbey!

Go, bull! Toss his salad! Oh, he's down! And it looks like old Tornado wants to caramelize his crème brûlée! Yeah, do that! Somebody help him! Relax, they got rodeo clowns.

And I'm not Seymour. My name is Armin. This is Armin's apartment, Armin's liquor, Armin's copy of Swank, Armin's frozen peas. Can I see your copy of Swank, Armin? Yes, you can. This is Armin's life. Maybe it's not perfect, but at least I'm back where I belong. I was born a no-goodnik, and I'll die a no-goodnik.

This better be the best-tastin' beer in the world. You got lucky. You see, boy? The real money's in bootlegging, not in your childish vandalism.

MAN: A star shone bright that silent night Ninety miles out of manger-town Haulin' gold and myrrh and frankincense Three kings put the hammer down Cause we got a Christmas convoy, ain't she a beautiful thing? We've gotta roll this truckin' convoy to see the newborn king

I guess I was just looking for someone more... masculine. But I told you. I don't know how that scrunchie got in my hair. Sorry, guys. But you two have put me off dating for at least four years. I think I'll just buckle down and coproduce my dad's movies. Need a unit production manager? It's too late, Bart.

Holy cow, you're as big as a house! Homer, come home with me. No, Marge, I can't. I mean, look at me. I'm a trainee. They won't even tell me what's in the secret sauce. And I can't buy you a decent wedding ring.

In your face, to-do list! Homer! Homer! Thank you. Thank you. But there was someone else with me on that alley. I'm talkin' about the big man-- Carl! Aw, can the corn, bonehead. Ah.

Every time you're near I gotta get out of here.

You can still win money if you have five out of six. Woo-hoo! And the second number is three. D'oh! Yeah, I knew we wouldn't win.

Oh, cool! The old Batman show!

Come on, boy. Sometimes your faith is all that keeps me going.

Kids, cut it out! All right. Hey! Come on, Mom. just cut across the field. Oh, I don't know. It doesn't seem right. Do you want to spend your whole life doing what's right? Of course not.

(SCREAMING) Stupid women drivers! (SCREAMING)

Homer, what's with you? You're talking during a coffee break. Yeah. Usually you just take the box of doughnuts into the bathroom. Mindy has a motorcycle. Look, everybody. I'm the same person I always was. Whoa!

Lisa's autograph. Apu's autograph. Oh, what do you know. Jimbo's real name is Corky. And... Krusty. Hey! "Cayman Islands Offshore Holding Corporation"? Krusty was supposed to sign this. Take it back and make him sign it. Uh, no, no.

Where is he? Where is he?

Excellent. Smithers, hand me that ice cream scoop. Ice cream scoop? Damn it, Smithers! This isn't rocket science, it's brain surgery! All right. Hello. Look at me-- I'm Davy Crockett!

Tiempo para "relaxar" en paz y quieto. ¡Ay! iNaranjas en la cabeza! Whoa! ¡Ay! Iuna "candelabra" "precariosa"!

Ah, these uniforms are a godsend. Horseplay's down 40%. Youthful exuberance has been cut in half.

(SNIFFS) Oh! Here, you want some chicken? Just grab it with your hands, go ahead. We're not fancy here.

Not so fast, pig! We're making a stand! A freaky stand! You can smash this drug barn all you want, but first you'll have to smash our heads open like ripe melons!

Moe Szyslak, you old glass-wipe. Y'ello? I'd like to speak to a Mr. Tabooger. First name Ollie. Ooh, Bart! My first prank call. What do I do? Just ask if anyone knows Ollie Tabooger. I don't get it.

(PLAYING JAZZY TUNE) Yeah... Oh, pruny night The stars are sweetly wrinkled

Keep quiet, Huck. They won't look up here if nothing draws their attention. Old man river That old man river He just keeps rolling

Look. We can go inside. Ooh! We're like Howard Carter discovering the Temple of Tutankhamen. Or like when I discovered the school Xerox code. 1-4-7. Just saying it makes my butt feel warm again. (GASPS) Arrowheads!

Would you like some ice cream with that? Me not pig.

I found... a penny!

Huh? I never looked behind this whatchamacallit case before. Huh? That's weird. It's like something out of that twilight-y show about that zone. How's it hangin', Marge? Yuck! I'm baking like a meat loaf under this wet wool.

I see you beat that bed-wetting problem. That's in there? Don't worry. They'll forget... just like they forgot about me in that tiger cage for 18 agonizing months. Every night I wake up screaming. Well, let's meet your classmates.

You have robbed us of our dignity. Well, you-- A urinal cake! You, sir, have crossed the line. Oy!

And what are those men doing under my van? Look, lady, if I was you, I would just leap into the air, as I'm preparing to do.

Two Caucasian males out of money in Sector 4. Go to code red.

Hope she didn't scare ya. Hello, Joe!

Mmm ! Stay here, boy.

Piece of cake, son.

This is it-- the ball that will determine whether Homer Simpson rolls a perfect game... or a pathetic 290-something. Yea! Yea! What's wrong, Abe? This is as fast as I can move.

Take that, Bowlarama. Take that, convenience mart. Take that, nuclear power pl-- Oh, fiddlesticks.

Saints be praised! Oh, closer. I've always dreamed of this moment.

This movie’s turning into "SpongeBob NoPants.” Cut.

Agh! It's terrible.

I signed it too. Uh-huh. Well, get a last look at the beautiful ocean scenery, kids.

Action Figure Man, the "How to Buy Action Figure Man" episode. Please, Mommy. I want it. Hmm.

(HORNS HONKING) (GASPS) This concert is oversold. It's as if a music promoter acted unscrupulously.

I sentence you to death in the electric chair.

It burns! I can't see! Stay calm, kids. I need you to be my eyes. Okay. Which way should i turn?

Talk about how you can help regular families like ours. Help regular families. Make an honest connection. Krusty, why did you just drop your pants? I needed a joke to go out on.

Mr. Simpson, the state bar forbids me from promising you a big cash settlement. But just between you and me, I promise you... a big cash settlement. My fee is fifty percent. Fifty percent ? You'll be getting more than just a lawyer, Mr. Simpson. You'll also be getting this exquisite faux pearl necklace--

Yes, Homer. If I catch fire? No, Homer. If I see something weird? Yes, Homer. What about when we snuggle? Hmm... That's okay. "Dear Woodrow, it's time for us to meet. "Why don't we go out to dinner? After, we'll go to my apartment for some home cookin'." Huh?

A single pillow of shredded wheat, some steamed toast and a dodo egg. But I think the dodo went extinct-- Get going! And answer those phones, install the computer system, and rotate my office so the window faces the hills. Uh-huh, uh-huh. Okay.

- The guy who played Fallout Boy on TV ? - Yep.

(PLAYING DIFFERENT TUNE)

Wow, man, what is this place? I prefer not to be called "man." My name is Belle, and this is the Maison Derriere. That means the, uh, "Back House." Are you havin' a party or somethin'? Nonstop. We're a burlesque house--

the nation's showcase for psychiatrist jokes... and musical comedy numbers. On April 19, 1987, America first met The Simpsons.

Excuse me, ma'am. Do you like to laugh? Oh, yes. As long as it's tasteful. And never at someone, or with, and not-- Excuse me, sir. Do you like to laugh? Why, yes. Yes, I do.

It's mine! Finally I've won the respect of my fellow m-- Get away from it! Okay, hepcats. Let's twirl some more platters at Greaser's Cafe, where the '50s are never goin' away! Well, that dream is over. At least we still have each other. Right, honey?

I guess it's up to me.

Happy birthday to you Why won't I die?

I guess. Stupid risks are what make life worth living. Now, your mother, she's the steady type, and that's fine in small doses. But me, I'm a risk taker. That's why I have so many adventures.

- What'd I say? - Monorail! What's it called? Monorail! That's right, monorail! Monorail. Monorail. Monorail. I hear those things are awfully loud it glides As softly As A cloud is there A chance the track could bend not on your life my Hindu friend what about us brain-dead slobs

I have a favor to ask. Please shut this place down and move away from Springfield. Oh, honey, you can't be serious. Springfield doesn't want places like this. I think I know what Springfield wants, sugar. Oh? I've lived in this town for 37 years. I've lived here 52 years.

Ohh. Let's bake some cookies for the boys! Come on, Stacy. I've waited my whole life to hear you speak. Don't you have anything relevant to say? Don't ask me. I'm just a girl!

Hey, come on, guys. Quit being so grabby. Sorry, man. Be my guest.

And the helpful bear, she will die! (COUGHING) Tickets, tickets buy them now Roofi he will show you how Visa, AMEX or MC Or make out that check to me!

What are you doing? Oh. I gotcha. One, two, three, four, I declare a thumb war.

All right, boy. This calls for the biggest punishment I ever handed down, and this time it's gonna stick. Come on, Homer. This isn't funny. Damn right! Bart, you can't go to see that Itchy and Scratchy movie ever!

Since I got my present early, I think you should get yours early too. Bart get a present early? Then I should get a present early. I want a present! Lisa, you have to wait.

the less attractive girl. Oh, I blame myself. I should've had this talk a long time ago. Thanks, Pop. A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K, L, M, N, "O-men-o," P, S. Hi, I'm Homer Simpson. I need some guidance, Counselor. Okeydokey.

D'oh! So Burns is gonna make us all go on a stupid corporate retreat up in the mountains... to learn about teamwork, which means we'll have to cancel our plans to hang around here. Teamwork is overrated. Huh? Think about it. I mean, what team was Babe Ruth on? Who knows?

How did you know?

Hmm. Vengeful god. Loving god. Vengeful god. Loving god. Vengeful god. Loving god. Vengeful god. Loving god. I could do this all day. And I just might. Vengeful god. Loving god. - Vengeful god. Loving god. - Setting up a prayer station, eh, Homer?

Two all-beef patties special sauce lettuce, cheese Pickles, onions on a sesame-seed bun

So from now on, anything caught in your zipper...

Well, Simpson, did you learn something today?

Sorry I'm late, everyone. Somebody tampered with my brakes. Well, then you should have been early. He got you there, Ray. Oh, come on, people.

This party's happenin' It's no mirage So sing it again Yvan eht nioj Yvan eht nioj

Bart! That car belonged to Bonnie and Clyde. Show a little respect. Mm-hmm.

As I look into this sea of smiling faces I am filled with a sense of loathing and revulsion. YOU are not workers. You are a pack of mangy, cud-chewing, ugly goats. Well, you're in for a treat. We have with us today a real man. Behold the glory that is Homer Simpson.

Hello, is this President Clinton? Good! I figured if anyone knew where to get some Tang, it'd be you. Shut up! Excuse me. Are you the person that called NASA yesterday?

Yes, medicine. (MARGE READING)

Mmm, that's good Yaqui! Okay. That night, we camped out under the stars. Ah, look at all them stars. Bunch of lazy lights. Don't do nothin' for nobody. Hey, you know what I'm looking forward to? The future.

J That's the story about Homer and MargeJ J Two folks I helped out for a nominal chargeJ J After Homer went gay they patched up their schism J

They're getting away Stop them, Mary Kay Okay. So we can't pay for your precious food. What are you gonna do about it? Ba la bamba

(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING) Art comes from pain. Your pain.

That's good enough. Well, thank you for calling. Good-bye. How many Krusty autographs do you want? A hundred.

Of course! This has never made sense! The sign shop guy lied. Stanley, you didn't question the word "luck"? Now look what we got! Thanks for the correction. That's part of the honesty. Son, I just want to leave you with a piece of advice. Become emotionally dead. Leave your body. Make lots of friends!

a number of citizens are attempting to jump the gorge with their cars. It's a silent testament... to the never-give-up and never-think-things-out spirit of our citizens. With our utter annihilation imminent, our federal government has snapped into action. We go live now via satellite to the floor of the United States Congress.

With these pogo sticks, we'll finally make it over. (GRUNTING) (GROANS) All right, everyone take a break and come back Monday with five fresh ideas. Can't make it Monday. My kid has a thing.

but helping you gain 61 pounds is something I want to be a part of. Dad! I must protest. You're abusing a program...

And you made NASCAR racing exciting. Homer, it's trash day. Will you just take him out to the curb? I'll curb him... Without enthusiasm.

The Boy Scouts of America have molded men... for over 100 years, and-- - What are you-- - Oh! Uh, how's your wife Nancy? - Betty. - Who cares? Oh, Marge? I just had a couple of beers. Eww.

The timing worked out great, don't you think?

Now, let us thank the Lord... for this magnificent Crystal Cathedral... which allows us to look out... upon his wondrous creation.

And now please rise for our opening hymn, uh, "In the Garden of Eden"... by I. Ron Butterfly.

Homer, I really appreciate you making dinner, but this food tastes a little strange. It hurts my teeth. That's because I've loaded it with sugar. Marge, our ship has come in. I found 500 pounds of sugar-- in the forest-- that I'm gonna sell directly to the consumer.

Marge? Yes, Homie? That's it! You people have stood in my way long enough! I'm going to clown college!

Why, look at that disgraceful beast. Good Lord, what has become of the sport of kings? Get bent. That's my third monocle this week. I simply must stop being so horrified. So many horses-- I don't know who to vote for.

There's Homer. There's Homer too. That's also Homer. That's Homer!

So, how do you like being a walrus, Dad? ts great! I havent been this skinny since high school. Homie, someone owes me a back scratch. Mmm! Mmm.

Hey, Simpson. I'm feeling a mite peckish. Mind if I chew your ear? Dad, you killed the Zombie Flanders. He was a zombie?

...on the best-seller list for 18 months! Every magazine cover had it! ...most popular movies of all time, sir! What were you thinking? I mean, thank you. Come again.

I'm not insane.

Bill, bill, summons, bill-- Wait a minute. From C.M. Burns. This is it. Yes, this is it ! Whoo ! Whoo ! Marge, Lisa, Maggie ! Let's do this out in the yard where the neighbors can see.

Where in the hell is Milhouse? That one shot cost us a million dollars! Where's the producer? I want to talk about this coffee.

Oh, rats. Talk about bad luck. I forgot to wear socks today. Guess I can't try those on. Yeah, no problem. You can wear the store sock. Ew. Would you mind lacing 'em up, kid? I have a bad back.

It won't come down for months! Curse the man who invented helium! Curse Pierre jules Cesar janssen!

Lenny, Carl, I know a lot of people bad-mouth you and focus on how you suck, but not me. To me, you're true-blue. Aw, thanks, big guy. Now dance, rummy. Okay. Hiya, Moe. Well, if it isn't little Miss "I'm not wasting my life anymore,"

It was your mother's job to name ya and love ya and such. I was mainly in it for the spankin'.

Oh, I need a vacation!

I thought you said the law was powerless. Yeah, powerless to help you, not punish you. Mmm. Earned my treat. This isn't over, Becky! I know where you live!

You shoo, Barney Gumble. Well, I can still hang out with you guys. Sorry. I got a baseball game in 15 minutes. And I've got a rally for Take Back the Afternoon. So, the tables have turned! Now you're the shut-in, and I'm the hip young dude!

No! Whew! That was close. Thank God it landed in that smoking crater!

Daddy? Daddy? Where are you, Dad--

Don't fire the torpedoes! Fire the torpedoes! We've been hit by an officer! If they're gonna fire on us, we'll respond in kind! Fire! Not me, a torpedo!

All right. I can't waste any more time. People's lives are depending on me. Mr. Sulu, make a left! Aye, aye, Captain. Setting course for Rigel Seven. I mean home. That's it. Left. Left.

No! My sugar is melting! Melting! Oh, what a world! Oh, sugar. I'm sorry, Homie. It's okay, Marge. I've learned my lesson.

Thank you so much! Now, I have learned that most of the orchestra is having their appendixes removed. So, without further ado, I give you the remnants... of the Springfield Elementary School Orchestra.

Stop him! He's supposed to die!

I guess if you don't want him to be part of your tuxedo, you'll have to let the other dogs go too. Nice try. Come on, Little Monty. Stand up. Come on. Stand up. Do your trick. - No! Don't! Stay down, Monty! - Stay down! Don't get up! Stay down, boy! Good boy! Stay down, boy! Excellent.

Aunt Bella?! Wait a minute.

Dad, you’re getting paint on your wedding ring. Huh? Oh, right. Can you hold it? This is a Band-Aid wrapped in tinfoil. My real ring's inside a turtle.

How about it, Bart? Would you like a new backyard barbecue pit? Can I burn evidence in it? We can all burn evidence in it.

My baby! Stop that crying! Man, you're annoying! Oh, it's a miracle! Thank heavens! Whoo-hoo!

The moon. For several years, she has fascinated many. But will man ever walk on her fertile surface? Democratic hopeful Adlai Stevenson says so. I have no objection to man walking on the moon.

Wow, Mom, I never pictured you as any kind of authority figure before. Marge, I want you to take care of yourself out there. You've become very dear to me. Oh, Homie, of course I will. Mom, if someone shot at the mayor,

we gotta start havin' designated drivers. Are you kidding me? We'll choose the same way they pick the pope. Everybody reach in and draw a pickled egg. Whoever gets the black egg stays sober tonight.

Lift those gams!

It's fun for the whole family. And the ends are razor sharp-- to protect our nation and its interests. Ow! God bless America.

Now you're thinking, "I hope that's shepherd's pie in my knickers."

Television? No! Curing heart disease and wiping out world hunger. But, Milhouse, they haven't cured anything. Heart disease and world hunger are still rampant. Those do-gooders are all a bunch of pitiful losers. Every last one of 'em! Want results?

Duff beer For me Duff beer For you I'll have A duff They're all around me! No way out!

Hello. Hello ! Hello, taste ? Where are you ?

Ooh, I know that look. You came in for the free wheel balance, and now it's costing you 500 simoleons. Six with the tip. Hey, you got off easy. I just came in to use the phone, and they got me for the whole Road King package--

Yeah, well, when I realized we hadn't had no ladies in here since 1979,

I have a favor to ask. Please shut this place down and move away from Springfield. Oh, honey, you can't be serious. Springfield doesn't want places like this. I think I know what Springfield wants, sugar. Oh? I've lived in this town for 37 years. I've lived here 52 years. I'm third generation. Sixth.

Twenty-one, sir. Get in the chair. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Attention, all personnel, please keep working...

(THUNDER CRACKING) Mr. Thompson, what's happening? It's the Rapture, Shauna. The Rapture. The virtuous have gone to heaven and the rest of us have been left below. (GASPS) Left below? Where have I heard that before? It's the title of the movie. (GASPS) It's everywhere!

Mmm. Fifty-dollar pretzels. Hey, what's Baby Huey doin'? Says here they throw salt before they wrestle to purify the ring. Hmm. Spare some salt, tubby? Tubby?

Gentlemen, the screwballs have spoken. Hello. Is this Marge Simpson ?

for the long ride home. Ralph! Ralph! You were so good.

but they won't pay taxes for it either. Ducking this issue calls for real leadership. People, your taxes are high because of illegal immigrants. That's right. Illegal immigrants. We need to get rid of them!

as manager of a cracker factory. Boring! A man whose complete lack of business sense and managerial impotence-- Ooh! Here we go! sent the number one cracker factory in town... into a tie for sixth with Table Time and Allied Biscuit. You want to hear a secret, everybody? Luann loves it! Loves it when I fail!

Lisa? Bail out!

You'll be in your cold, cold grave before that ever happens. Homer, would you please stop talking about the children's graves?

Thought you could get away, huh? Homer, young people learn about love from adults, and we've been setting a terrible example... for our children and the community in general. I want us to deal with the issues raised by this book. Hmm. I knew we shouldn't have put a fireplace in the bedroom.

shake, shake, shake shake your booty shake your booty ow, if you Can you can do it

Well, here's the thing, Inspector. The button for five doesnt light up. I think I'm gonna be sick.

We found this one swimming naked in the Fermentarium. I am the Lizard Queen! Give her this... and this... and then these.

Someone knocked on the door, and I couldn't go. I'm telling you. A big, crazy prank is just what the doctor ordered. The dean will go nuts. I got it!

Hey, where you goin'? "Hello. My name is Laddie.

but it's still irresponsible to present rumors as facts. Maybe you should quit while you're ahead. No way. Mr. X is gonna keep on diggin' and probin'... until every person in this town is in jail. Aaah! A coconut bagel? Like poison it tastes! All right, I'll tell you a secret.

I'm firin' at the lasso, but the bullets just go through the middle! It's the ultimate weapon. Ooh.

Homer, what's going on down there?

Blah, blah, blah... Moses! Boy, you don't have to follow in my footsteps. Don't worry. I don't even like using the bathroom after you. Why, you little..! Krusty, please continue.

And vice versa.

So, uh, have you figured out who gets the money ? Yes, Homer, I have.

- 'Cause I'm so carefree ? - No, because you're wearing a bib.

No, no. Yes, that's it! Bite! Bite! Bite! Lisa? Oh, sweetie, you look so much better. - Ready to go back to school? - Oh, I don't know. I mean, I could risk it, but-- No, no. You just stay put.

I don't know, Homer.

Yes, but-but the poncho-- Please, Homer, just leave us alone. Hmm. How could you let me turn into you? Bu-Bu-But the poncho! "Bu-Bu-But the poncho."

What are you kids laughing at? And if you say Jimmy Fallon, I'll know you're lying. (GASPS) Scantily clad co-eds? Why, you little... (GRUNTS) (GAGS) To have a libido... Dad, look who's in there. (GASPS) Flanders?

Wear your love like heaven Wear your love like heaven Hello?

Everyone is saying "Gabbo this" and "Gabbo that," but no one is saying "worship this" and "jericho that." What's this about Gabbo? I can't believe it. Our first glimpse of Gabbo! He'll tell us what to do.

What a crappy candle. You've ruined our vacation. You, gentle sir, are fired. Oh! Barely gettin' by it's all takin' and no givin' Oh, hello, young man.

I can finally afford a young, crazy, stripper wife. Yeah. I'm gonna get me the craziest, "strippiest"-- He's dead.

Here's a little something we learned in C.I.A.

You don't have to go to all that trouble just for me. It's no trouble. I got a whole garage full of tools I never use. Hey, kids ! I spy Itchy and Scratchy off the port bow ! Hey, down in front. Shut up, boy. They fight, they bite They fight and bite and fight

Dad, can I go to a rap concert? Tickets are $50. - Go to hell. - Okay. What if I pay for it myself? Fine. Go nuts. I love you, Dad. I love you, too, Jerry.

Be they homecoming or dairy. This woman, however, is an imposter! (ALL GASPING) Her luggage is inscribed "H. R. H." Which means her real name must be... Henrietta R. Hippo! Why did you let him be his own barrister?

Whoa. Yes! Poor guy. He lost his leg. Oh, no, no. The fans will whoop it up with that leg tonight.

Don't tell Otto, but I'm not into heavy metal and he loves it. He refers to our lovemaking as the Headbangers Ball! Oh, you can fix little defects like that with gentle nagging. Make it part of the background noise of your relationship. That's how I polished Homer into the perfect-- Homer!

Can we get a shot of me? There you go. In other news, uh... a tragic mix-up today in Cleveland. Many people killed. Uh... good-bye!

Um, how about if we tell you our problems with relationships? Yeah. Yeah! That'll eat up some time. Uh-h-h-m, how about you, Otto? Oh, my standards are just too high, you know? I feel like nobody's good enough for me.

I was-- What are you talking about, Shelbyville?

Hey! Mr. Wimbley, it happened again. Now to absorb some local color through the magic of A.M. radio. ...Book of Revelations tells us... to watch for the seven signs of evil--

Don't look at me. Now, you rotten little punk, if I ever get ahold of you, I'll sink my teeth into your cheek and rip your face off !

Oh, save me, Jebus! Mmm.

April Fools'. He's very much alive, although I'm afraid he may never walk again. Row, row, row your boat gently down the stream - Homie! Marge! Mmm-mmm! Homer has many, many horrible problems.

Let's none of us have a cow.

Yeah, Jesus must be spinning in his grave. We gave them our vitamin money. Hey, hey, hey. Shoo, you lousy freeloaders. Come back when you get some parents. In my long career, I've seen some pretty shabby things,

"You're a-peeling. Let's never split!" That's funny, 'cause they're monkeys. So long, rejects.

That's right, Kent. I often get guns and cameras confused. One time, tragically, at a wedding... I don't care if they think you're a coward, Dad. You did the right thing hiding and crying. Yeah. We'd rather have a live sissy mincing around the house than some dead hero any day. Choke on your candor!

Who caN take thiS diaper i don't mind at all who can cleaN me up before the big poliCeman's ball the garbageman Yes, the garbageman caN

Dad, I need help. Please. Oh. Now come on, Bart. We don't want your mother to see you crying. Here. Oh, man. Let me help you dry those tears. So what's the problem, son ?

Homie, it's 4:30 in the morning. Little Rascals isn't on till 6:00. I'm taping it. I wanna get to Mr. Burns's house bright and early to make his breakfast. Oh, poor Homie. Poor, poor--

Uh-huh. Yeah ? Ooh ! What about the headlines ? Well, the press might be critical of you... for firing the crippled boy's father so soon after the accident. Well, all right, then. I don't want to seem like an ogre.

And scraTchy show

All right, Simpson. Let's go over the signals. - If I tug the bill of my cap like so - Yeah. - it means the signal is a fake. - Uh-huh. - I can take that off by dusting my hands thusly. - Got it. If I want you to bunt, I'll touch my belt buckle not once, not twice, but thrice.

All rightilly-dightilly. Hey, Flanders. Hidilly-ho, neighboreeno! Shut up! Okilly-dokilly. So, Ned, you're having a family reunion and you didn't invite me? Oh, gosh, Homer. This is strictly a Flanders affair. I got family here from around the globe.

We gotta clean this up before Mom gets back. No problemo. We'll just sweep it all under the rug.

My hobby is secretly videotaping couples in cars. I didn't come forward, because in this country, it makes you look like a pervert.

Now we'll just send this to the dating service, the chicks'll fall for you, and bam! The healing begins. Uh, Homer, you obviously went to a lot of trouble, but dating? It just feels way too soon. That's great!

Uh, I guess I'll walk home.

I bet you've got a beautiful smile. Why don't you share it with the world? There is no God! Fellow workers, I've been meeting with Mr. Burns day and night, and I've had enough. Strike! Strike! Strike! Strike!

You know, I defy anyone to tell the difference... between these doughnuts and ones baked today. My boy's supposed to be here any second on a field trip. They been through here yet ?

Where's the dignity? Where's the contempt for the common man? This new breed of fun-loving billionaire is a welcome change... from the classic joyless miser brooding in his cavernous mansion-- Bah! Bah! Bah! Bah! Grasping a glass of brandy with his thin, clawlike fingers...

Would you say you're on "cloud nine"? We're on cloud nine. Oh, they even have a better sound bite than us. Nine babies? That's barbaric! Nonuplets? Now that's something you don't see every day. Let's get this stuff to the real heroes-- the Shelbyville Nine!

Well, hear me out. If you're innocent, you will fall to an honorable Christian death. If, however, you are the bride of Satan, you will surely fly your broom to safety. At that point, you will report back here for torture and beheading. Tough, but fair. Stop!

And I hope you like jamming too Yeah! Ain't no ruleS ain't no vow we can do it anyhow I And I Will see you through See you through, baby 'cause every day we pay the price With A little sacrifice

Stop screaming, Homer. Quit trying to control me.

Oh, this is the worst crisis my marriage has ever faced!

"Ooh! Look at me. I'm making people happy. "I'm the magical man from Happy Land, in a gumdrop house on Lollipop Lane." Oh, by the way, I was being sarcastic.

Hey, Homer, that's a pretty catchy chant. Where'd you learn it? Oh, I heard it at the mustache parade they have every year. We don't want any more bears! Sir, there's an unruly mob to see you. Does it have an appointment? Uh, yes, it does. I phoned ahead! Mr. Mayor, I hate to break it to you,

Here's josÉ Flanders. Buenos ding-dong-diddly-dÍas, seÑor. - And this is Lord Thistlewick Flanders. - Charmed. Eh, a-googilly-doogilly. I can't believe you didn't invite me, after I painted those cool stripes all over your car.

durable outer casing to prevent fall-apart. Sold! You wrap it up, I'll start bringing in the pennies. Honey, I don't think these clothes are us. Who are they? Hey, Brandine! You could wear this shirt to work.

Quiet down now, please. Don't make me flick the lights on and off. Thank you. Ladies, gentlemen, parents and music lovers, welcome to the first in a series of Saturday evening concerts. Series ? Tonight, Sherbert's-- Schubert's "Unfinished Symphony." Oh, good, unfinished. This shouldn't take long.

I don't hear an alarm. Let's take stuff.

Ach du Liebe! He bit me right in the Axis! See? Now that's the kind of dog you should be.

It's funny because it's true. Well observed.

I taste blood. Adults attacking orphans? I don't think Maude Flanders would approve of that. Absolutely not! - Never! - No friggin' way! Yeah. This place is more like "Crazeland." Huh? Instead of "Praiseland."

Oh, my God. I got so swept up in the scapegoating and fun of Proposition 24, I never stopped to think it might affect someone I cared about.

Bart ! You promised me you wouldn't watch that trash. Now go to your room ! Man, I wish I was an adult so I could break the rules. Oh, great.

Congressman, this is, uh, Springfield National Forest. - Now, basically, what we wanna do is cut her down. - Uh-huh. As you can see in our artist's rendition, it's full of old growth, just aging and festering away. In comes our logging company to thin out the clutter. It's all part of nature's, you know, cycle.

(THUDDING) HOMER: Oh, no! I hit the grief counselor! Promise me you'll report this. Consider yourself fired! I had a car!

He's like a riddle wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a vest. Sure is ugly though. So why can't I stop staring at him? Oh, no! I think I'm getting a crush on Nelson Muntz! Hey, Willie, catch the football!

You okay, Milhouse? Nothing that a handful of gummy bears can't fix.

Hi, Larry. I'm sorry. It's just that on the school bus--

What's Lyme disease ? I'll field that one. Lyme disease is spread by small parasites called ticks. When a diseased tick attaches itself to you, it begins sucking your blood, Oh ! malignant spirochetes infest your bloodstream, eventually spreading to your spinal fluid and on into the brain.

Now quickly! Gaze down at God's fabulous parquet floor. Eyes on the floor. Still on the floor. Oh, my ass! Always on God's floor.

Flanders? That suit's a little revealing, isn't it? Well, it allows for maximum mobility. Feels like I'm wearing nothin' at all. Quit it! Must wash eyes!

In your face! I've got more chicken bone!

I really didn't want it to come to this.

Now, Bob Dole will read from the Necronomicon.

yeah, the waiting is the hardest part Come on! Come on! Open up!

We decided we better start living in the fast lane. What if I'm not a success? How will you pay for all this? I'm sorry. I can't hear you, son. I'm wearing a jacuzzi suit.

Hey, kids! We're eatin' dinner tonight!

Homey, isn't he beautiful? As long as he's got eight fingers and eight toes, he's fine by me. Oh, Bart! Daddy's little angel. Ah! Why, you little..! He did that on purpose!

Ooh, algebra! I'll just do a few equations. No! No more distractions!

Dad, you can't do this. Stampy is my friend. Don't worry, Son. I'll get you a new elephant. I'll take that one too. Done. - I'll be back in the morning to pick up Stampy. - Here's the keys. Elephants don't have keys. I'll just keep these then. Don't worry, Stampy.

There's no maybe about it, sir.

Get it off of me! Dad, it's in there again! No! It's stuck on my hand! This shouldn't be too hard to fix-- with the right tools.

You know, son, my dad used to take me down to Johnson's Hardware. Old man Johnson knew everything about fixing stuff. When they built this place, he hung himself.

It's time for more deeee-mentia with Dr. Demento!

I'm just getting started. Ohh! Stop clapping! Whoa!

Sure. Watch. Hey, 29, get over here. - Wah, wah! - Ugh. Thank you, sir. May I have another? Oh! Patience, Monty. Climb the ladder. Is he the leader? Of this chapter.

Shall we say... 10:00? All right, just wake me up. You know, Bart, I saw this one.

Instead of video games, they have weird, free newspapers. Hmm. Mom, am I "butch" or a "fem"? Honey, you can be anything you wanna be. Ha!

Hmm. Kids, stop that! Don't make me get the carny! Hey, Lisa! Make friends with this! Hey!

(MALE VOICE GROWLING)

Oh, boy! Boy, did I bet on the wrong horse. Heh.

Oh, we're surrounded, Marge. Maybe we should give ourselves up. But think of the scandal. Yeah, the British tabloids will have a field day. There's only one thing left to do. Grab on to the handles, Marge! Got 'em.

Here we go again.

that the past few weeks have been great. Me and you have done stuff together. You've helped me out with things, and we're closer than we've ever been. I love you, Dad. And I think if something can bring us that close, it can't possibly be bad.

Why does a bear need a crowbar? I don't like to get my hands dirty. (FESTIVE MUSIC PLAYING) Ahhh! (BEARS GROWLING) (WEEPING) Crying in the corner, huh? Mind if I join ya? No, go ahead. (BOTH WEEPING)

Here you go! Here I am! Uncle Moe! Thank you, ma'am! This'll be a treat! Uncle Moe! Here I am, while you eat!

Well, that's all over now. From now on, we will focus solely on important issues. Every year, the gulf between rich and poor nations gets larger. Yet the IMF insists on unrealistic debt repayment schedules. This show stinks! I knew my son would blow it!

"I'm not wearing any clothes, "so why don't I just splay myself on a pool table?" (GRUNTS) Steady. Steady.

Well, maybe for your wedding. How about here? Not if we want that vacation. Look, Mom. They have your dress. Thirty-three cents? I paid almost double that.

Now, Marge, the pins on the three-seven-ten split would be here. We'll make this little piece of food the ball. The ball's bigger. But for food, this is a good ball. Oh, well, bye-bye. See you in church on Sunday, Marge. Good-bye, Helen. Good-bye, Helen.

You're my best friend. You're my best friend.

I think one side of our house is sinking. Ha-ha! "The Half-Assed Approach to Foundation Repair."

I guess this is it. Thanks, anyway. You know, I could snip the wires. We'd fall to our deaths, but we'd save the entire town. Bart, how would you like to do something incredibly noble? - Do we have to? - Yes.

Dad, knocking over a gravestone is bad luck. Really? I heard good. What happened to you, Homer? - And what have you done to the car? - Nothin'.

Rotate 20 degrees. Mr. Simpson, I'm afraid you have a crayon lodged in your brain.

One, two, three o'clock, four o'clock rock five, six, seven o'clock, eight o'clock rock nine, ten, eleven o'clock, twelve o'clock rock we're gonna rock around the world tonight Oh, this sucks. Come on, snipers, where are you? Bart, who's winning?

"Tragic news tonight. 120 dead... in a tidal wave in Kuala La-la--" "Pur--" "Kuala Lum-pur--" - France. - Yoink! Yoink?

Word to the wise. British candy is a bit sweeter than what you're used to across the pond. Look, teabag, just fork over the brown. BOTH: Mmm! (UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

Whoa! Here we go! Give me those keys! Do you have any idea what you put us through? I called the police, the hospital, my bookie, the kennel.

We won't take the--

I'm your new teacher. My name is Mrs. Simpson.

It's the candy of a thousand uses. Like what? One, a humorous substitute for your own lips.

Just for that, we keep your children. Will you raise them Christian? Coptic Christian.

Honey, I am in my home. Oh. How was your day, sweetheart?

Oh! Well, it's still the best thing in this class. Num, num, num, num, num. A-minus. Lisa Simpson, master of the double life.

Married? Was it consummated?

Look here, Inspector. Eh, could I speak to you privately in my office ? Mr. Burns, in 20 years, I have never seen such a shoddy, deplorable-- Oh, look.

Take him away! You can't treat the workingman this way! One day, we'll form a union and get the fair and equitable treatment we deserve. Then we'll go too far and get corrupt and shiftless, and the japanese will eat us alive! The japanese? Those sandal-wearing goldfish tenders?

It hurt, but it's a month later, and I'm sleeping on their couch. Marguerita I want you. Mr. Devereaux, I can't work under these conditions. Have it your way, baby. You're fired. Oh, Avery.

Yes. And you've said that several times now. Why do people worry about stuff? It's all gonna work out. All good points. Sleep tight, my drunken angel.

Oh, Homer. I love you too. Mmmwha ! A little predinner entertainment. Moe's Tavern. Is Oliver there ? Who ? Oliver Klozoff. Hold on. I'll check. Oliver Klozoff !

I don't blame them. I never did anything important-- just the Declaration of Independence, the Louisiana Purchase, the dumbwaiter-- Maybe I should be going. I caught you at a bad time. Wait! Please don't go. I get so lonely.

Snowball II, I can't believe you're gone.

Well, that's super-duper, Lisa. In fact, we already have four girls on the team. You do? Uh-huh. But we'd love to have you on board. Well, football's not really my thing.

Um, have you eaten onions lately? No. And it's really hard 'cause I'm on an all-onion diet. Uh... Well, okay. I guess this is my destiny. (SCREAMS) What are you doing?

i thought i'd do anything to succeed in business. But bending the truth? I don't know. Ah, so you don't have that killer instinct. Big deal. Yeah, honey. Even if you don't succeed in the business world,

Oh, God, they're in our food! Teddy Grahams, Gummi Bears! Are you a Care Bear? I'm an Intensive Care Bear.

Why aren't we ascending into heaven? Oh, right. The sins. Wha-- Ohh! - Where do you think you're going, missy? - Dad! Ooh! I smell barbecue!

Hey, everyone, that's us! I come to deliver a terrifying message of hope. Grab your guns and follow mel - Yeah! - All right! Dad, what are you doing?

"Best before November 1959." Damn it, Bob! There were plenty of brand-new bombs. But you had to go for that retro '50s charm.

Fine! Right after this revision. "Temperance had to face the unhappy truth. "She had married a brute." Hey, baby! I've returned from Portsmouth. Now let me put my tongue down "yourmouth." Ugh! Now cook up my catch.

Well, you can't go wrong with cocktail weenies. They taste as good as they look... and they come in this delicious red sauce. It looks like ketchup, it tastes like ketchup... but, brother, it ain't ketchup!

Down with homework! Skinner, why are there children walking on my head?

And we got ginger ale! Boilin'-hot, Texas-style ginger ale! Texas! Eww-ahh. Face it, Bart. Our salvation isn't just gonna roll by... on the back of some stupid truck.

(BOOING) Save your breath for blowing up water wings, breeder. I dream of an America with nudity and F-words on network TV! Where the whole world doesn't stop because a school bus did. Children are the future. Today belongs to me!

Computer magazine columnist. Something with computers. Well, I use a computer. What's the connection? Must be the nonstop sitting and snacking. Well, sir. Many of our clients find pants confining, so we offer a range of alternatives for the ample gentleman. Ponchos, muumuus, capes, jumpsuits,

And all mine from head to toe Yeah, she never makes me wonder when it comes to that Well, my head's in a whirl because I like that girl

Here is an ordinary square. Whoa! Whoa! Slow down, egghead. But suppose we extend the square beyond the two dimensions of our universe... along the hypothetical "Z" axis there.

Are there any suggestions for how to attract more tourism? The easiest way to be popular... is to leech off the popularity of others. So we propose changing our name from Springfield to Seinfeld.

My God! It's nothin' but carrots and peyote. Damn longhairs never learn, Chief. Yeah, it's time for an old-fashioned hippie ass-whomping. Attention, hippies! Come out peacefully... so we can smash your drug mill and all your worldly possessions.

So, instead of wounding an evil old man, I may have killed an innocent old man. That's much worse. About 50,000 volts worse, if you know what I mean. Sizzle!

Yes, eventually I become king of the Morlocks. But Morlocks are from the future. You calling me a liar? Wait a minute, Homer. If it's true, what about all the stuff you weren't around for? Yeah. How'd you know the Chinese were spying on you? I just naturally assumed.

the fact is, I haven't ever had relations. I am a virgin. Ha-ha! Hey! Does this mean that Mrs. Krabappel is a virgin too? Ha!

What is that smell? It smells like Otto's jacket.

You stupid nerds! He's trying to save you money on long distance. Star Wars, huh? Well, let me ask you this. How many of you have ever dreamed of being in that movie? Me! Me! Me! Well, you're in luck 'cause we're gonna act out a scene,

(BOTH SCREAMING) For details, log onto peta.org. (MOANS) (LAUGHS)

Mmm, please. Road rage? Excuse me. What are you doing? Oh. I was just praying to God that you'll find me sane. I see. And this "god," is he in this room right now? Oh, yes. He's kind of everywhere.

Hey, these aren't waffles. These are just square pancakes. Oh, I'm sorry, honey. The waffle iron's in the shop. That waffle iron's been in the shop forever.

I got a D-minus ! I passed ! I got a D-minus ! I passed ! I passed ! I... kissed the teacher ! Bah ! We're proud of you, boy. Thanks, Dad.

Awesome! So long, suckers!

Oh, I heard about this. This is the one where Scratchy finally gets Itchy. Wow!

"Especially when that guy was on the roof. "P.S. Do you know Mad Max?" To reach you, I called up my friends in the liberal media and planted that story about the giant pizza. You sure know me, Mom. Pizza was the first food he choked on.

Huh? Huh? (SIGHS) (CHANTING) Diamond Joe's gotta go. Diamond Joe's gotta go. Mr. Mayor, will you answer one question? Only if it's submitted in writing. Checkmate.

That's right. just because we're not rich doesn't mean that we don't have-- Oh, I can't even finish! I want to be rich! Like these guys!

Oh! Let's take five. What am I doing wrong, Little Vicki? Well, you're falling a lot. Maybe you should work on that. Yeah. Well, no offense, but maybe I need a little more instruction... than just "tappa-tappa-tappa." Why, back when I was your age, I had 43 movies under my belt, and I had to do it without tappa-tappa-tappa.

- You mean, I... passed ? - just barely. I passed ! I got a D-minus ! I passed ! All right ! Mmmwah ! I passed ! I passed ! I passed ! I passed ! I got a D-minus ! I passed ! I got a D-minus ! I passed ! I got a D-minus ! I passed ! I passed ! I...

Did the last of something die? No, Mom. It's just that I used to be the smart one. Now, I don't know who I am. Well, I know who you are. And here's something to help you never forget. I already have one of those.

Success! It's ringing.

but he never did it! Those blintzes were terrible. Paint my fence! Make me. You give me back those blintzes then!

This calls for a celebration. We're all going to Hawaii. Gotcha! It's April Fools' for two more minutes. Dad, it's May 16. You were in that coma for seven weeks.

I can't write this. It's a grammatical nightmare. Mau! Didi mau! I'm getting a cramp in my wrist! Oh, boo-hoo. After all the times I've done it, my wrist sounds like a cement mixer.

Mr. Starr, tea and crumpets. just set it over there. Sir, if you'll forgive an old Brit his impertinence, your devotion to your fans is nothing short of remarkable. Well, Wetherby, they took the time to write me, and I don't care if it takes me another 20 years-- I'm going to answer every one of them.

(SIGHS) (NERVOUS MURMUR) Homer, I'm gonna need you to do something for me when we get to China. You name it, O wise mountain ape. You have to pretend to be my husband. HOMER: No!

Hey, who unplugged my freezer? Return to your state of living death at once, sir. Is that you, Apu? Whoa! Time has ravaged your once-youthful looks.

Oh, what are you gonna do, call your godfather, huh? "Oh, Godfather"--

Milhouse, I'm not gonna take dog doo... that's been on the dirty ground and put it on my face. I have a better idea. Hey, Dad, wake up! Huh? What? I'm awake! I'm awake! I'm a productive member of the team. You can't fire me! I quit!

A pretty girl can't look my way without-- Don't. Don't ! Don't. No. Get out. Get out of here. Get your hands off. A new romance Oh I could love a million girls And every girl a twin

And it's been the backbone of our country... since Leland Stanford drove that golden spike at Promontory Point. I see he touched you too.

You see, he was one of those he-man scientists who worked on the atom bomb by day, and slept with Marilyn Monroe by night, and sold secrets to the Russians at lunch.

And turning to the 3-D map, we see an unmistakable cone of ignorance.

Ow! Ooh, blood. What the-- If this is anyone but Steve Allen, you're stealing my bit. Somebody ought to ruin Gabbo's career the way he ruined Krusty's. Two wrongs don't make a right, Bart. Yes, they do. - No, they don't. - Yes, they do. No, they don't. Dad! Yes, they do.

Hey, Bleeding Gums! I was great! And I owe it all to-- What happened to Mr. Murphy? I'm sorry. He passed away. Oh!

That should just about do it.

Oh, nonsense, Krusty. You look at least 10 years younger. Plus, I did your breasts. Does anyone hear me complaining about the breasts?

I'll just have some milk. Look, I'm not drinking out of the carton.

Oh, you like that, don't you, Punam? Yeah. Who's a clean baby, huh? Ah, now this is a happy family. You likin' this thing? How's the humidity? Good? Why am I asking? I can see on the meter it's good. Oh, everything is perfect.

Poor Wiggum. I'll bet you really hate Rex Banner, huh? Um, who? The guy who took your job. Oh, yeah. More than anything in the world! Hey, how would you like to show him up... by beating him at his own game?

Krusty, in regards to the large wager you made... on yesterday's horse race-- Oh, come on. How 'bout letting me go double or nothing on the big opera tonight? Who do you like? The tenor.

Poor Santa's Little Helper. He's overworked. Suds, I hear you're doing game shows now. Gelman, roll the clip! Things you buy in a dime store! Uh, famous first ladies! Things your toothbrush might say! Whoo-hoo!

Welcome to the Springfield Derby, the fifth and penultimate duel of racing's Triple Crown. Good luck today, Bill. And away they go! Furious D takes the early Lead. Ow! Ooh! Oh! What a shameful display by these tiny hotheads.

Could I show him a jail cell? Oh, sure. I'll put you in the Rick James suite. It's super freaky. Okay, we're all locked up now. Yeah. You big idiot. Excellent. I guess I'll just be swiping your car now.

Hey! Why, you little--

Oh, you must be mad. Well, I will be when the morphine wears off, but until then-- Gee, I feel bad. If people knew the real Monty Burns...

Anyway, she's had an attitude from day one. She was supposed to be our supervisor, but then Dotty went on maternity leave, so, well-- Well--

Great! What do you want to play? How about the floor is made of lava?

Spirit, surely there is some time to reform my selfish ways. Come on, Death. Leave McGrew alone. Take Tiny Tim!

Now pull over! First, raise my allowance. Why, you little... (TIRES SCREECHING) (CHOKING) We're going downhill and I can't reach the brakes! (BOTH SCREAM)

Focus on the good things-- like this fire extinguisher I got at the fair. Mom, really-- Hey, what are you doing? It's the only fire extinguisher endorsed... by both Lynda Carter and George Foreman. I wonder what would happen if they had a baby.

Tensions continue to mount between Springfield and France... over Mayor Quimby's now-famous frog's legs joke! The French president has threatened swift and massive retaliation... if he doesn't receive an immediate apology.

The Swedish are coming! The Swedish are coming!

The courts might not work anymore, but as long as... everybody is videotaping everyone else, justice will be done. See? Hmm. Homer, I thought you were an animal, but your daughter said you were a decent man. I guess she was right. You're both right.

little education, bald as a cue ball, ten years on the same job... for the same salary. But today, as I leave for Capital City, I consider myself... the luckiest mascot...

Out ! What a grump. Hm. Hm. Hmm ! Hm, hm. Hmm ? Hee. Smooth as a baby's behind !

D'Oh! See you in hell, soldier boy. Bart? Yeah, Mom? While your father and Lisa watch the game it might be fun if we went clothes shopping.

There. Done and done.

(LOUD BANGING) Ah! (MALE VOICE GROWLING) Both of us heard mysterious noises coming from this very spot. Bart and I will explore the attic until we find their source.

Marge, what's exciting in your life lately? Well... Uh... Oh, we finally found out why the dog was scooting around on his butt all day. Turns out he had an impacted anal gland.

Let's rock Do the mental house rock Whoa! Wow! A '50s nostalgia cafÉ.

But I stood by the courage of my convictions, and I prevailed. And that's why we had Chinese food for lunch. Good for you, Homie. You know, a lot of things happened around here while you were gone. Great, Marge. I want to hear all about it. Give me those!

Good Lord, Smithers! You look atrocious. I thought I told you to take a vacation. Smithers already left, sir. I'm his replacement-- Homer Simpson. Ah, yes. Simpson. I'll have my lunch now. A single pillow of shredded wheat, some steamed toast and a dodo egg.

Well, have fun. What do I do? Marge, please. According to your rÉsume, you invented this machine.

Cupcakes. Mmm ! Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, contrary to what you've just seen, war is neither glamorous nor fun. There are no winners. Only losers.

Just lying here on my coffee table. Uh, Smithers, why don't we leave the room, and hopefully, when we return, the pile of money will be gone. Oh ! Look, Smithers, the money and the very stupid man are still here.

Your monster appears to be nothing but a run-of-the-mill wild boar. Hey. Look at his tusk. So the boar ate our food.

Man, those derringer bullets are weak. Powerful weak. Light out, and stay lit out!

Yeah, it's quite fetching. But, uh, aren't you worried about the deadliness? Nah, he'll get tired of bitin' in an hour or so. Snakes-- nature's quitters.

I gave him a couple of blintzes to paint my fence, but he never did it!

one man come and go Sit down! Sit down! You're ruining it for everyone! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Can I help you? Potato man. Where the hell have you been?

Some ice cream guy's gonna see that, and it'll blow his mind! Let me try. Way to breathe, No-Breath.

Is it really worth risking your lives just for some sugar? Dessert's on. - I steamed some limes. - Godspeed.

And now, to sing Amazing Grace, Miss Maggie Simpson. She's quite a hellion, but she does have an incredible voice. Stop everything! The wedding has been called off! - Ha-ha! - Hee-hee!

Well ? Mother, I would like you to meet... Milhouse, Lewis, Richard and Bart Simpson. This is the Bart Simpson you're always talking about ? Mm-hmm. But he looks so sweet. I am, Ma'am. Simpson ! Let's move on now, Mother, shall we ?

"Core temperature normal." Hmm. Not too shabby. "Vent radioactive gas?" N-O. "Venting prevents explo-si-on." Ooh, this is hard. Where's my Tab?

"Teacher's pet"?

Stupid family. Won't even come to my Rapture. I went to Lisa's school play, which had serious pacing problems. (WOLF HOWLING) Three, two, one... (BEEPING) Oh, I'm wrong again!

Cloud goes up. Cloud goes down. Cloud goes up. Cloud goes down. Bed goes up. Bed goes down.

Hi, Mom. Did you make any money ? Not yet, but at least I'm in a lot of pain. Well, I think what you're doing for Mrs. Glick is very nice. Poor old thing doesn't have anybody. There's a reason. The sludge certainly collects around those downspouts, don't it ?

See, kids? That's what I meant by romance. The Itchy and Scratchy Show

Give me some nachos, Homersaurus. Here you go, Bartasaurus. For our last event of the evening, we have a special surprise guest: the world's greatest daredevil, the man who's no stranger to danger. If he's not in action, he's in traction. Captain Lance Murdock !

Ach. Me mule wouldn't walk in the mud. So I had to put 17 bullets in him.

Las Vegas doesn't care for out-of-towners.

This is Kent Brockman live from the Aztec Theater, where police have learned that kidnapper Homer Simpson... and hostage, Larry Burns, are inside talking loudly.

Steady. Steady. Oh, nicely played, sir. Attention, passengers. The train has been temporarily delayed... because of a discarded couch on the tracks.

More dogs! In you go!

Let's go over to the county courthouse live to Kent Brockman. ...ockman, just outside the county courtroom where an argument about chowder... has spilled over into the biggest trial in Springfield history.

I've gone five minutes without saying, "Well, I never!" Excellent. Let me fetch you another Thomas Collins. Ooh! Damn that Pennybags. Between him and Scrooge McDuck, all the best ankle is taken!

Simpson. Hello, Dondelinger. You're not on the guest list, Simpson. Orders of prom king Ziff. And have you been drinking? Just for 25 years. Let's go, mister.

Uh, yes, sir. In the meantime, here's Frank Grimes. The self-made man? What? Oh, yes, that fellow. just put him somewhere out of the way. And find that dog. Yes, sir.

Yes! From the "Z" to the "O" to the double "R"-"O" He's the dude in a mask from the barrio With his horse and his mask and his big ol' sword He'll cut your butt from a '52 Ford Oh, move it, Q-tip! Ha!

Nelson! I'll see you after class. I'll be there. Will you? (BELL RINGING) Mom, what are you doing here? Did our house burn down? That'd be cool. No. I'm here to have a little girl talk with Mrs. Krabappel. So how are you holding up? Actually, I feel fine.

Cheese ! Cheese ! Oh, wait a minute. Stupid grapes. Bunch of creeps ! I hate France !

happy birthday, Lisa I wish you love and goodwill I wish you peace and joy I wish you better than your heart desires and your first kiss from A boy

Burn, Krusty, burn! Burn, Krusty, burn!

What was that? What the hell is that noise? That caterpillar is screaming.

He tried to kill me. I really think this is a bad idea. Marge, I agree with you in theory. In theory, Communism works. In theory. Look, he thinks he's people.

We could have a slumber party. Oh, that'd be great! Sleeping bags on the floor, a roaring fire. It'll be just like the time they kicked me out of the sporting goods store. If you kids can't keep your hands to yourself, I'm gonna turn this car around, and there'll be no Cape Canaveral for anybody!

Mmm! Hamburger. Hey, wait! I smell hamburgers too. According to this map, there's a Krusty Burger on an off-shore oil rig. That's what you're smelling. If it weren't for this blasted fog, we'd be saved.

The whole world's gone gay! Oh, my God! What's happening now? We work hard. We play hard. Everybody dance nOw

Let's see... football... football... Homoeroticism in... Oddball Canadian Rules...

So, how are things at home? We flushed the gator down the toilet, but it got stuck halfway. Now we have to feed it. I'll bet you want a piece of me. Well, you ain't gonna get it, see? Doggone it.

Well, Seymour, because of your penny-pinching, we're coming back from a field trip with the fewest children yet. God bless the man who invented permission slips. Mmm. Uh, I think I got your lunch.

That's not the point. And another thing-- I asked you to take out the garbage three days ago, and you still haven't-- Hmm. Still half an hour till dinner. Oh, well. Ow! It's a real honor to be guarding your body, sir.

I think it's a sign from God that we should all go nuts! Whoa-hoa!

Oh, no! Oh, brother. Where's your husband ? Yeah. It's getting late.

They pee in a cup and throw it on you! I saw it in a movie. You won't be seeing any prison movies where you're going-- prison! No, please! I'll do anything.

The Simpsons D'oh! Huh?

You've really done it this time, Bart! You're in for the punishment of a lifetime! When do you expect the ringing will stop? In about 10 to 15 seconds! I certainly hope so! That's better.

"Which is the one every boy wants?" You got me--

Some people call me a space cowboy - Yeah - Yeah Some call me the gangster of love Some people call me Maurice

Homer, do you have an explanation for this bill? Oh, it's that record club. The first nine were only a penny. Then they jacked up the price! It's not fair. It's not fair, I tells ya.

Mom, I don't feel so good.

Ha-ha! Your dad's not handy. Son, are you okay? I brought a homemade first aid kit! It's spring-loaded for quick access. (SCREAMING)

and talk about what's to be done with this Homer Simpson. Look, just get rid of the sugar, okay? No! Hey! Get off my sugar! Bad bees. Bad! Ow! Ow!

Yeah. It's way past 1500 hours. Okay, we all know why we're here, right ? No. Why ? To fight nelson the bully. That guy has been tormenting all of us for years, and I for one am sick of it.

Come on. There's no need for that "baba-ma-bushka." All right, but don't be shocked. Oh, there's no way I could-- Homie, I'm losing my hair. Now, sweetie, don't worry about a thing. I'll teach you to comb it over so no one can tell-- Just like my hair.

- But not the imported. - Homer! You've got to set limits, Marge. No beer! Get your T-shirts here! "I survived the Springfield riot!"

And I liked it. Oh. Do you think this marriage could really work? Who knows? We can always get divorced. Of course. God bless America.

Think again, jimmy.

Who controls the British Crown Who keeps the metric system down We do, we do

Uh, I was just thinking that any one of us could be next. So, what do you say we make a break for it?

Bart, what have I told you about throwing money away at that joke shop? To try and cut back a little? Take those silly things off. It won't come off.

Now, go get 'em !

But I'm still hungry!

MARGE: What's all that racket? It's old lady Simpson! Run! What's going on? Uh, I'll tell you what's going on. I'm taking you all out for pancakes. ALL: Yay! Yeah!

What are those, Grampa? These are hobo signs. They're to tell other hoboes if a place is friendly or not.

Aw, geez! Milhouse, how could you let this happen? You were supposed to be the night watchman. I was watching. I saw the whole thing. First it started falling over, and then it fell over.

I need your help. I want to be loved. I see. Well, I'll need some beer.

You don't need Mary Jane to laugh at Mr. Burns's jokes. Just picture him naked. Or, um, with a funny hat on.

Hey, dude, he's raggin' on your cord. Get him!

It's "pro bono." I know what I said. This is the worst thing I've ever done. Even worse than what I did in 'Nam. You're gonna get your parade... down my esophagus!

Come on, come on! I'm gaining on ya!

Skinner! Uh, Superintendent Chalmers. What's wrong? Nothing. I just bought myself a car.

Dear Log: It won't be long now before my mind melts... into a soft, Simpsony sludge. Soon, the arts and literature I love will be replaced... by talk radio and vulgar mud flaps. It's time to give my brain its last meal.

A velvet rope. Lisa, you can't go this far and then not go further. Dad!

Wherever you go and whatever you do, we will always love you. Make us proud, Son. Never forget who you are.

I can't stands no more! Mmm. Mediciney.

You gotta be crazy if you want to get in Napoleon is playing has imaginary sax The dance floor's filling up with maniacs Let's rock Do the mental house rock

I was afraid you'd cancel, so I stayed away from you... even though it meant skipping school for three weeks and graduating this summer. - I hope. - Hmm. I'm Artie Ziff, Marge's date for the prom. Well, hello ! Well, hello, hello. Don't we look handsome. Yes, indeed, we do.

What the-- Tuck in that shirt. Shine those shoes, mister. Oh, for the love of-- Uh, a seagull took my sailor hat.

Plus several feet more. We found our new Fallout Boy! And he's right over there. Huh? Ladies and gentlemen, meet America's new Fallout Boy!

You don't scare me. That could be anyone's ass. Now beat it! I'm calling the shots. I think that sash is cutting off the air to your brain. The town charter says that in an emergency, I run the show.

Oh, forget it. I'll do it myself. Aw, look. Maggie wants to fly too. Hey! Cut it out! Put her down!

Yaahh! Ha-ha-ha! Children, you can have one piece of candy tonight... and save the rest for-- If you eat too much, you'll have nightmares. Oh, yeah, everybody in this family... will have a bad nightmare tonight.

Check it out, Homes. You said if I ever got 100 on a test, you'd throw me a party. There's my 100. Where's my party? (SCOFFS) Nice try, loser! I bet you made up a fake test.

Who is that firebrand, Smithers? That's Homer Simpson, sir. Simpson, eh? New man? Actually, sir, he thwarted your campaign for governor, you ran over his son, he saved the plant from meltdown, and his wife painted you in the nude-- Eh, doesn't ring a bell.

Marge, are you okay? I think I'm okay. It was scary, but in a weird way... it was also kind of exhilarating. Yes, it is exhilarating to see the police get their man... and save a hysterical woman. Oh, for crying out loud. Easy now, sweetheart.

Hey, the dummy can't hurt you. He's not even alive. He's dead!

The point is I want you to stop making these calls. All right, Mom. I promise you will never be billed for another call. Bobby Sherman.

We already have a guitar. I meant a real guitar. This is real.

Writing a new Christmas carol? Maybe. The Bible says it's fun to do stuff together.

I mean Pie Man's crust! I'm not Pie Man. Pie. Popular pastry, tricky math thing and now sword of righteousness. A masked avenger has been giving Springfield's scoundrels their just desserts! This is for your show's slight decline in quality over the years! KENT: In an attempt to curb copycat pie-ings,

Hey, these aren't my pills ! Now, now, Mr. Simmons. Don't make me call Nurse Bronski.

Dad, I thought you didn't like her saxophone. I didn't. But now, Daddy's special medicine-- which you must never use because it will ruin your life-- lets Daddy see and hear magical things... you will never experience... ever!

"Can I Borrow a Feeling?"

Sideshow Bob really fills his shoes with big ugly feet. Kid's right. How do you figure we missed that ? Get off your duffs, boys. Get down to that studio ! Yes, I admit it. I hated him ! His hackneyed shenanigans robbed me of my dignity for years.

We had to move out once we'd filled the hat with garbage. The end.

Hey, way to go, Homer! Way to go! Hey, what'll I tell the boss? Tell him I'm going to the backseat of my car with the woman I love, and I won't be back for 10 minutes!

Huh? Take him into custardy, boys! Hah! Attempted murder one. Now, boys, what would you say to some Belgian waffles? Actually, I was in the mood for some frittatas. Ha! Lou and his frittatas!

or the kwik-e-mart and Nobody would care but the heart And soul of springfield's in our maison derriere

Bah! This is just another Hallmark holiday cooked up to sell cards. Ohh. A valentine from my granddaughter. Could I have the envelope?

And where were you? Cockfight.

And it's all thanks to one man-- Montgomery Burns has captured not only a legendary monster, but also our hearts. And by the way, girls, he's single. Single? Well, he passes the Selma test. Thank you. thank you, everyone.

Ooh. Thanks, buddy. Hey, I lost my turn. Oh! My arm. Whee-- Ow! I bit my tongue. Each leap brings us closer to God.

"Hello. My name is Laddie. I've been trained to gather fruit for you as a welcome gift." Good dog. Okay, watch this. Watch.

Keep sliding. Thirty dollars will be fine.

Oh, it's good to be back after all these weeks. Better check our answering machine. Number of messages received: zero.

But as for me, I'm off to battle aliens on a faraway planet. That sounds like a good movie.

"Die don't." Aaaaah! Son of a-- oof! What next? Uh-oh.

Ah, washbasin fresh. That funk must be coming from one of the classrooms. Ugh! Ah, poor fellow, crushed by his own water bottle.

We must sacrifice television in order to save the lives of our townspeople. Whoa! Whoa-ho-ho! Let's not go nuts! Would it really be worth living in a world without television? I think the survivors would envy the dead.

It'll happen to you! No way, man. We're gonna keep on rockin' forever. Forever. Forever. Forever. Forever. Forever.

Studies show the part of the brain that remembers dance steps is also the anger center. So juveniles who know how to fox-trot are 10% less likely to commit a double homicide. Who conducted this study? The institute of shut-your-fat-face!

Wow! jiffy Lube! Boy, you're really running yourself ragged. Oh, yeah! When I started this clown thing, I thought it would be nothing but glory. You know, the glory of being a clown.

Hey, Flanders. Look what I got.

Yea! You know, part of spending time together as a family... is spending time apart as individuals. Parents Island? Yuh-huh. I'm sure we'll appreciate each other all the more when we meet up at dinner. Are you kids gonna be all right? Kids?

Daddy's gonna spend a lot more time with you. Yes, he is. Yes, he is! Where's Maggie? Where's Maggie? Hey, where is she? There you are.

Well, that's not my recollection.

Uh, uh, uh, wait. Lookee here. Seems there's been a prohibition law on the books in Springfield for 200 years. It's just never been enforced. Get out of here, old clerk guy.

Hey, what happened to all the water? Hmm. There's something blocking it.

Homer! Homer! Homer!

Can I help you? Yeah. I'm looking for Homer Simpson. Oh! It's the woman I married in Vegas! Homer, you're a bad man. And your seed should be wiped from the earth. No offense, children.

In New Orleans, they hosed us with Tabasco. Oh, you're so heroic. All right, cow boy. I'll see you in "moo-nicipal" court. Good one, Chief. What? What'd I say? I can't believe how young he is. He'd be cute if he weren't so idealistic.

Marge, Marge. Hmm. Let's see. Ooh, look ! Pantyhose. Practical and alluring. A six-pack. Oh ! Only 4.99. Ooh ! Pads of paper. I bet Bart can think of a million things to do with these.

She has the reflexes of a young Mary Lou Retton. Have a "wowwipop." Can I have a lollipop? Oh, Bart, I'm afraid that was the last one. But I've got something even better for you-- a rubella inoculation.

Whoa! I'm looking at an inside straight! (BEEPING) Oh. Someday I'll hear the winning music. Someday.

Oh, no need to panic. There's a map to the hospital on the back of the menu. "Try something new, Homer. What'll it hurt you, Homer ?" I never heard of a poison pork chop ! Um, your wife agreed that I should break this to you. No need, Doc. I can read Marge like a book.

Tomorrow night ? Friday ? Pork chop night ?

- Spit on this for me, Smithers. - One "hawker" coming up, sir. What a lame-o ! I think I can actually hear the air being torn, sir. Oh, shut up ! Hey, Burns ! Hey, rag arm ! You throw like my sister, man !

Bye, Unky Herb. Good-bye, Herb.

Please. For Mom's sake?

Hey, I-- That-- Oh. Gee, I hate to let you down, Casanova, but, uh, no receipt, no return. I'll give you four bucks for it. Very well. I must hurry back to my comic book store, where I dispense the insults rather than absorb them.

Ah, geez. Will you look at that?

All right. Ganesh has been subdued. All will die.

It's not just you prancing around in a monkey suit, is it? Not anymore. You got yourself a deal. Quiet. You're breaking character. Are those real cobras?

Somebody help me! I think I'm getting swimmer's ear!

Homer, I'd be lying if I said that this is how I pictured my wedding day but you are how I pictured my husband. I am? You may not look like Ted Bessell but you're just as nice. Ohhh. We are gathered here in the sight of God and this casino to join--

Well, here I am, right on time. I don't see... Barney "Let's Crash the Rocket Into the White House and Kill the President" Gumble. Actually, he's been here since sunrise.

The mark! Oh, that. It's just a birthmark-- and I'll thank you not to stare.

But you're doing quite well in home ec. Hey, keep it down, man! Simpson-- Lisa.

Now the classic Itchy and Scratchy, episode DABF06.

playin' in A Rockin' band hey, mama, look at me Shh!

Good news, Simpsons. We found your daughter's belongings. Where'd you find these? Giant tongue. Oh! I knew it! We also discovered something very unusual at that museum. Oh, my God! What? Well, if you drop a feather and a bowling ball in a vacuum,

I hereby ban all sugar products from Springfield forever. Get in the car.

The thing, it was-- Shut up! Whoo! There's that new mega-mall they're building. They say the air conditioner will be more powerful than a million hydrogen bombs. Hey, they can't just build a parking lot on Sabertooth Meadow! That's where they discovered all those fossils.

It's just Alpha-Bits with extra J's.

Columbo! No, that's not it. Modesto! Daktari? Nintendo? Whoa! If he bites, I'm sunk.

Well, where'd he go? Oh, got my knuckles all lined up for nothing. Sorry, ladies. Look at that hunk of junk. Not jun--

(ALL LAUGHING) As royal physician, it is my learned opinion that her womb is filled with sea serpents. (GROANS) (MUTTERING) Must sire a dude. Must sire a dude.

Stand back, fellow settlers.

You know what? I have a ball. Perhaps you'd like to bounce it. What's this? It's for the school diorama competition. You're finished already? But the competition isn't for weeks.

Ovulate, damn you. Ovulate! You are out of sperm. Hey, baby. Remember me?

So, who do you like in the afternoon games? The 49ers because they're pure of heart Seattle because they got something to prove and the Raiders because they cheat. In an extremely suspicious play the Raiders win! Three for three!

Ah. You know, Marge and I have an anniversary coming up. I have given Manjula many gifts including a bouquet of flowers, diamond earrings, and we're going to see Paris Hilton in Paris. Texas... On our way to Paris... France. What did you plan to get your wife, Homer?

You’re so smart. Shock him. Odds Bodkins!

Uh, attention, everybody. Uh-- Oh-- Work harder. Bye.

Laziness is counterrevolutionary. Questions are decadent! Fast hands mean less whipping.

Well, it was your delightfully condescending letter that put you over the top. Lindsay Neagle, Advanced Capital Ventures. Oh, what do you produce?

Thanks, Mom. And now you can go back to just being you... instead of a one-dimensional character with a silly catchphrase. D'oh! ¡Ay, caramba! Hidilly-ho! Ha-ha! Excellent.

Actually, you know, I wrote my thesis on life experience, and-- Quiet! Abe, tell 'em about your amazing life. I spent 40 years as a night watchman at a cranberry silo. Wow! So, this patch steadily releases nicotine into my body,

Uh, singles life is great, Homer. I can do whatever I want. Today I drank a beer in the bathroom. The one down the hall?

Okay, here's the deal. Crowns and doubloons are mine, snuff boxes and cameos are yours. Now, as for wands and scepters-- - It's a bottle cap. - jewel-encrusted?

The family name is my legacy to you! I got it from my father, and he got it from his father. And he traded a mule for it. And that mule went on to save spring break.

Coffee and maple logs in the lobby. Wow. They listened to me. All right, Dad ! Way to go, Homer. You did it, Homer. If they think I'm gonna stop at that stop sign, they're sadly mistaken.

Wanna try for a month?

A freezer geezer. Please, young customers,

Principal Skinner, "The Happiest Place on Earth"... is a registered Disneyland copyright.

Ooh! Ahh! What's normal to him amazes us. He will be our new god. Oh, good. Somebody's shadow. I'll just turn and brag about my work.

New Springfield rocks! Go ahead and laugh. We have a better town bird. Oh, yeah? What is it?

If she breaks up on you, steer away from the grandstands, or you might kill hundreds of innocent spectators. What did I just tell you? Kill spectators. What is the matter with you? It's my dad-- lying there on the couch... drinking a beer, staring at the TV. I've never seen him like that.

He put the lard pone on top of the egg pone. Dang! Double dang! Aw, donkey butter!

Yes, I see an eastern university in the year 2010. The world has become a very different place.

I don't see why I need a new driving license. My old one's just fine. Hmm, I have serious doubts about your skill behind the wheel. You drove in with three people on your grill. (GROANING) At least I'm out doing things.

Take that, Mom! Take that, Dad! Send me to a psychiatrist, will you? Take that, Dr. Sally Waxler!

This man is my exact double!

Lincoln, Lincoln I been thinkin' What the hell have you been drinkin' is it water is it wine Oh, my gosh it's turpentine Red hot peppers ! Yaa-haah ! Go, go, go !

A tombstone? It came with the burial plot. But that's not important. The important thing is Homer is dead.

Ohhh! Look at all these classy British plays. I don't have a cherry orchard. (GASPS)

Is that so? Well, I have the feeling you'll be... dropping the charges.

You told me about that candy bar you found three times.

¿ Donde esta los medicos de Mexico ? Ooh, pro wrestling from Mexico. You know, down there it's a real sport. Oh, cool. This is where jaws eats the boat.

Oh, you sure got a lot of copies of the paper. Yeah, I need to housebreak our new police dog. Plus, it couldn't hurt Ralphie to brush up on the fundamentals. Daddy says I'm this close to living in the yard.

This is Marge Simpson reporting from Lake Placid where the Miracle on Ice never happened. No!

If you're not going to buy that thing put it down, or I'll blow your heads off !

Where are we going, Mr. Simpson? I'll tell you where we're not going. Jail! Then you better turn. Uh-oh! Aaah!

- Ralph, I thought you were dead. - Nope! Rejoice, good people! Goliath the Terrible shall rule no more! But Goliath was the greatest king we ever had. Wha--

Oh, whatever. "NUC-u-lar." Be careful, Dad. Oh, Lisa. It's just war games. It's not like a game could hurt me. Damn you, "Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Robots."

Can't you do something? Hey. Surly only looks out for one guy-- Surly. Hmm. Sorry, Surly. Shut up.

Oh! Attention, good shoppers of Springfield! Someone very special has just entered the store. The world's most popular billionaire-- Oh, please. All this fuss for little old me.

Knoxville, Knoxville, Knoxville! I concur.

Come back ! Your hat ! You're supposed to eat breakfast ! Wear your galoshes ! Cowabunga ! Remember to take a break... if your arms go numb. Hey. I heard you last night, Bart. You prayed for this. Now your prayers have been answered. I'm not a theologian. I don't know who or what God is exactly.

Wow. Officer, uh, this man is making me a little edgy. Could you please give me a ride to the airport? Well, hey, hey! You're Mel Brooks! Sure. I'll give you a ride! Thank you. On the way we can do that $2,000 man thing.

Hey, since when is Christmas just about the presents? Aren't we forgetting the true meaning of this day? The birth of Santa. Bart's absolutely right.

Hey, fellas, my hearing's back. Congratulations, traitor! Thank you. And let me say I missed your sweet, sweet voices. - Cram it, Iraqi! - (GRUNTS) Why'd you dis the flag? It partied on the moon! Weren't we afraid of him just a few days ago? We're complex.

Not if you're plantin' gummy bears. D'oh!

Yes, I really should stop ending the tour with it. Now, let's get down to business. Oh, man!

Ah, I shouldn't have said that. I'm Gil. Hey, a red one! Can I buy that? Please? Well, you-- If you-- Really? Wha-- Ha! Hot dog! A sale!

I saw Mrs. Doubtfire. This is a man in drag! You're phony! Fakey, phony, fraud! Give me those!

I know you have all gone to a lot of trouble to meddle in my affairs, but you cannot change my mind with one night of blasphemy and store-bought tandoori-- or should I say "bland-oori"?

"But the third bowl of porridge was just right."

Maybe I'll just keep these. That's great, Mom. But dont forget- J I got Krusty in hot waterJ J Now I’ve got to help him out Da-da-dum JJ Shut up, boy. Oh! I dont get a song? Mom got a song. With the economy the way it is, you’re lucky you get soup.

Well, well. Look who’s gone Hollywood. Ooh! Hmm. Eh. Do you need some assistance... picking over the tattered remains of my life? Nope. I'm good. Hey! Your early porno movies. Oh, wait. Are any ofthese hetero? What’s there is there.

That's a good shmendele. Oh, I've waited so long to hear you say that. What does it mean? Is it dirty?

Uh, to the best of my recollection, yes. Wow! I gotta start going to church. What do you got for me, boy? Hey, this says we should feed him lots of eggs and olive oil to ensure a glossy coat. Oh, yeah. A dog like this you have to feed every day. He's trained to do all sorts of stuff.

D'oh! What happened? I think when we yelled, we caused another avalanche.

My superiors were pleased with your work. - You have a flair for treachery. - Well, I'm just glad it's all over. Oh, you're not through, Simpson. We have a high-risk assignment for you. Why do you keep picking on me? Marge's name was on that tax return too. Let's take a walk. Walk?

Ooh! Please, Marge. How often can I see a movie of this caliber on late-night TV? Is there something wrong, Homie? No. It's just I've only... seen this movie twice before, and I've seen you every night for the last 11 year-- Yipes!

Hello, this is Tom Clancy. Would I say, "If you're hunting for a good read this October, "Marge Simpson's book is a clear "and present danger to your free time"? Hell, no, I wouldn't. What do you mean I just said it? It doesn't count! Hello? Hello?

Bart, don't interrupt! Homer, this is serious. Oh, it is not. Roman numeral three: Surprise boy in bed-- and, uh, disembowel him.

And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like "I love you"

I finally tapped into that spirit of self-destruction...

You'll live to regret this!

Thank goodness. Another day in this suburban nightmare and I would've needed half a Valium. Thank you for your gracious hospitality. See you at the unveiling.

Texas. I like the way you think.

Wow. Bitchin'. It chose to destroy itself rather than live with us. You can't help but feel a little rejected.

Yes, eventually I become king of the Morlocks. But Morlocks are from the future. You calling me a liar?

Something had to fill the void.

Two months from now, your head's in that window. On my honor. 350 a month. Oh, well, I don't know. Would it be all right if I conferred with my family ? Mr. Simpson, if you have to talk it over with those humans out there, there's something wrong with all of us. You look like a man able to make a decision. See that man over there ?

And before he broke his jaw, he never listened. But now he takes to heart everything I say. Well, as much as humanly possible. Well, Marge told us when you didn't listen, it led to "weckless" "cwiminal" behavior.

What did you say? I can't understand you with all that distortion. What a crappy birthday. I don't think this is such a bad present. Maybe you shouldn't talk into it as loud as your father does. Testing. Testing one-tw0-three. Oh, my.

I'm afraid you'll need a cast on that broken bone. Ohh. I'm gonna miss the whole summer. Don't worry, boy. When you get a job like me, you'll miss every summer. Isn't it amazing? The same day you got a pool... is the same day we realized we liked you.

have you ever forgotten anything? No. In fact, I can recite pi to 40,000 places. The last digit is one.

Lousy, stinking piece of crap. Gotta change that answering machine tape! Oh, God, I gotta change that tape! Gotta change Maggie! Dear God, we gotta change Maggie!

Hey! What the-- Ooh! Once again, my underwear has become tangled in a cowcatcher. Ooh!

if you only focus on the pimps and the CHUDs. Oh, I'd love to see New York. We could all go with the bus company's special super-sitter fare. Nine bucks? This one's on me! Great! We're all going to New York! Lousy Bart and his money. All right, New York, I'm comin' back!

Yes, you ! Baboon, baboon, baboon, baboon ! I don't think you realize what you're saying. Baboon !

Oh! A lima bean that looks just like the Leader! I'll put it with the others. Homer,

I think it's full, sir. That's ridiculous! The last tree held nine drums.

Dad, you've gotta let Bart see that movie. I've never seen him like this. He has the demented melancholia of a Tennessee Williams heroine. Don't you think I know that? Well, it's been two months. You laid down the law, and I'm proud of you.

you gave me the gift of do-do-do, do-do-do and I'm proud of you today... Lisa, it's your birthday happy birthday, Lisa

Well, what the heck? - Who's ready to build an amusement park? - Yea! Sell Storytime Village? Why, you gotta be off your tuffet!

We are merely exchanging long protein strings. If you can think of a simpler way, I'd like to hear it.

Make way for grapefruit. Go grapefruit! What the-- It burns! I can't see!

It's been raped of its "bonny-ness." Hi, Willie. My board! It's Willie's board now. And she'll make a fine piece of kindlin'.

You said you were never going to need them again. Oh, hurry, Neddie. They're awful! You just be ready with that garbage bag.

Hmm. I suppose I could.

Ho-ho ! Got him !

for something the farmer probably spit in? Not anymore! All thanks to the new juice Loosener. Doctor, are you sure it's on? I can't hear a thing. It's whisper quiet!

You mean there's been cake in our freezer for 11 years? Why was I not informed?

I need every brain cell blazing to outwit my invisible enemies.

even cynical members of Generation X. Yeah, "groovy." Troy, I'm proud to offer your viewers... these hand-drawn Itchy & Scratchy animation cels. Each one is absolutely, positively, 100% guaranteed... to increase in value. I guarantee it.

Eye of the tiger, Bart. Eye of the-- I stopped it. And I hurt somebody. Ha-ha.

Congratulations. You'll be spending two nights together in glamorous Capital City. Wow! Capital City! The Windy Apple!

Lucius, would you do that for me? Absolutely, I would. Now get in the van. You couldn't even give me one lousy round, Moe. You will always be a loser. Now take your check for a hundred thousand dollars and get out of my sight. I don't need your stinkin' money!

Nice glasses, four eyes. Yeah, nice shoes, uh, two feet. Yeah. Your appearance is comical to me. I'm a nerd!

Oh, my God! They're gonna drive right into it just to teach us men a lesson. And it's all my fault! Marge. Marge! Homer? Look, Marge. I'm sorry I haven't been a better husband. I'm sorry about the time I tried to make gravy in the bathtub. I'm sorry I used your wedding dress to wax the car.

Congratulations, fellow Springfielders. This town will no longer be known as "America's Sorrow." Today I declare Springfield "Fat City, U.S.A."

I'm having chest pains! Where's the defibrillator? Clear! This thing pays for itself.

And, Doctor, we know that you and the bootblack... have been rogering the fishwife in the crumpet shop. Lies!

Okay. Here we go.

I love Bart! No, wait! I love Lisa!

"Major League Baseball"? I told you they were monitoring my activities. He's right! This thing's got info on everybody. Addresses, credit ratings, what size baseball hat they wear. Surveillance beam disabled. Market research shutting down. Doesn't that beat all?

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like... love.

Fee, fi, fo, fum! I smell the potatoes au gratin of Marge Simpson. Mm-mm-mm-mmm!

Num, num, num, num, num. A-minus. Lisa Simpson, master of the double life.

I will-- Whoa! Whoo! Whoo!

and there's a picture of a train. Yeah, nice gag. Uh, SO, do you like... stuff? The doctor said I wouldn't have so many nosebleeds... if I kept my finger out of there.

There's only one catch. They say it's haunted. But I'm sure we can prove 'em wrong by spending the weekend there. Hididilly-ho, neighbor! Get lost, Flanders. Okilly-dokilly.

The sandbox! Hey, Lawn Boy! You missed a spot!

Oh. Well, that was unexpected. What's going on? Where's the mayor? He skipped town. Really? So, who's in charge? Well, that's a good question. Let's, uh, take a quick look at the town charter.

Hitler, North Dakota ? Bismarck. Bismarck ! Hitler ?

Let me through. I'm her husband. That explains a lot. Try to talk her out of there but don't put your lips on it. Hello. Hello! Is this thing on? Hello?! Homer, is that you?

Dad's pulled his chair right up to the stove. Lise, I think I'm having a midlife crisis. If you're feeling depressed, do what I do and write something. A novel, a play... Or I could write something that's not gay. (GASPS) Bart, someone wrote something cynical on your shirt!

I'm telling you. A big, crazy prank is just what the doctor ordered. The dean will go nuts. I got it!

Simpson, give me your newspaper ! Why should I ? I wanna do the crossword puzzle. No, I want to do the crossword puzzle ! - I said, give me that puzzle. - No. - Give me ! Give me ! - No ! NO ! Heh-heh-heh.

Where the hell's my sugar? Condoleezza Marie aint too playful tonight. And I dont remember her being this granulated. Can I put your baby in my coffee? Well, the doctor said you eat any more baby, they gonna take your foot.

All my best friends are guards. They think they're so cruel and corrupt, but they're not. Okay, boys, here's a loony law from 1911. "Five kicks of the same can "shall be considered illegally transporting litter." (GRUNTS)

Hear me, people ofthe past! Hey, everyone, that's us! I come to deliver a terrifying message of hope. Grab your guns and follow mel - Yeah! - All right!

I'm so happy. I just had to tell someone. I have a boyfriend. You won't be needing this.

Excuse me, but I believe this family already had a horse, and the expense forced Homer to work at the Kwik-E-Mart with hilarious consequences.

Well, if you never forget anything, tell me this. What color tie am I wearing? You are wearing a red-and-white striped club tie... in a half Windsor knot. Oh, I am, am I? Is that what you think? Well, if that is what you think,

The food is so delicious here. And these Chanel suits are five for a dollar. I'm using a jacket as a napkin! And here no one calls me a fat jerk! I'm a gourmand! And yet I miss America.

Check. Children's letters to God. Check.

Good heavens. Lisa, you're not buying more than your weight in books. But I have to save them. The books no one buys get chopped up and fed to pigs. Helen Fielding's giving them pigs... Bridget Jones's diarrhea.

If my dad could see this, he'd be so mad. He can. There's a Web cam right there. Of all the sites on all the Web... I had to click onto his. w'w' w'w'

Restraining order? Bull spit. No piece of paper keeps me from waling on my sister. (KISSING) So you see what happens when you don't obey your restraining order? Yes, Chief Wiggum. And, Snake, do you see what happens when you kidnap the President? (SIGHS) Yes, Chief Wiggum.

Ladies, grab your pebbles. GIRLS: Mmm. (GIGGLING) What? Nothing. (SHERRI GIGGLES) Lisa has a big butt. (CHANTING) Lisa has a big butt. Shut up! I do not!

Don't you worry. I was ready for this little eventuality.

Are you gonna buy those toads orjust lick 'em? Lick 'em. Go away. Ah. Thanks for the donation, Mr. Simpson. Do you feel okay?

She certainly tamed that horse. But what man can tame her? I won't lie to you. On this job, you will be shot at. Each bullet wound is a badge of honor. "Badge of honor..."

Bart Simpson on the side of law and order?! Has the world gone topsy-turvy? That's right, man. I got my first taste of authority and I liked it. Hmm.

That's good footage. Where will the Pie Man strike next? Perhaps at the Springfield Children's Hospital, which is tossing out all its sick youngsters to make way for a new cosmetic surgery clinic. Who will treat my whooping cough? (HACKING) Search me. Come back when you want a giant rack.

Very well. Let's do this thing. Woke up this morning Got yourself a gun Your mama always said you'd be the Chosen one

Legalized gambling is a bad idea. You can build a casino over my dead body. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. For you. It's the president. Y'ello?

but I do have all the answer keys to every test. (ALL CHEERING) Fractions, dinosaurs, foreign money, the first Thanksgiving. Nelson, what are you doing? Real estate license exam. My ticket to freedom! (CHANTING) Nelson! Nelson! I'm doomed.

the beloved idol of countless tots, now nothing more than a common, alleged criminal. His trial, which begins tomorrow, has taken center ring in a national media circus... as children of all ages from eight to 80... hang on each new development like so many Romanian trapeze artists. From his humble beginnings as a street mime in Tupelo, Mississippi,

Ahh. Hi, everybody. Who wants to see their sexy new daddy?

Yeah, well, I-- Ooh! Oh! Oh, that's it. I'm gonna report this to me member of parliament. Hey! Gus! I got somethin' to report to ya! That's a bloody outrage, it is! I'm gonna take this all the way to the prime minister.

But first, our second-prize winner... and the recipient of this handsome shoe buffer-- Ned Flanders! Ah! Go, Ned! Oh, it's no fair.

And lots of wavy hair like Liberace

we spent our family vacation fund on something that's just for you. Do you like it? You guys are the best! I love you, I love you. I'm okay. I love you, I love you, I love you. f OWi Hooting] [Crickets Chirping f

Oh, Lisa. Haven't you seen Home Alone? If some burglars come, it'll be a very humorous and entertaining situation.

No. It's true. Maude and I sell religious hook rugs over the Internet. Internet, eh? Yes, indeedy. Making some good scratch too. Scratch, eh? Yep. Maude, eh?

I'm sure he'd support your application for a membership tonight. Bull hockey! I don't care about joining this stupid club. But does your wife? Ohh! I knew my kind wasn't welcome here.

Whoever brings down that balloon doesn't have to learn fractions.

I just came in to use the phone, and they got me for the whole Road King package--

Elizabeth Taylor. Bette Midler. Bette and I owned a racehorse together: Krudler.

A, B, C, D, E, F, G How I wonder what you are Thank you. I can't believe I used to date him. Lise, you're a shoo-in.

- Anything left? - Uh, only the sour quince log, sir. Dispose of it. And, uh, send a thank-you note to Marge, Bart, Lisa and Maggie Simpson.

Oh! Not the box factory again, Seymour.

You backstabber, you traitor, you-- Snap out of it, Bart ! Face the facts. All those hours we spent staring at Krusty, we were staring at a crook. Look, Lisa. I know Krusty's innocent. Don't ask me why. It's just a feeling I have. Oh, Bart. Come on, Lisa.

Well, it's still the best thing in this class. Num, num, num, num, num. A-minus. Lisa Simpson, master of the double life.

Yes? Hi. I'm Ron Howard. Ron Howard? Yeah. I'm looking... for Alec Baldwin and Kim Basinger.

Now, where's the inside man?

Say hello to the Plow King. Barney, you stole my idea. Don't worry, Homer. There's nothing wrong with a little healthy competition.

Paul was just as lonely as a man could get So he took out his ax and he carved himself a pet And now-- Oh, boy. I wish you were real.

Uh-- wha-- no. This can't be what it looks like. There's gotta be some other explanation. I wish there was some other explanation for this. But there isn't. I'm a murderer. I'm a murderer! Then that's not the real Ned Flanders. I'm a mur-diddly-urgler!

Mom, guess what. We're going to Itchy and Scratchy Land. No. I've already planned our vacation. We're going to the Highway 9 Bird Sanctuary. I understand they've installed a new bird feeder this year.

Dad, do you mind? Your feet are really close to my potato. Your potato? You can't, like, own a potato, man. It's one of Mother Earth's creatures.

Uh, the toilet is overflowing in the, uh, Caveman Room.

but instead I just ripped the head off Mr. Honey Bunny.

Please, the hobo. Please, the hobo. Please, the hobo. Hi. I'm Ashley Grant.

It's a simple routine involving lasers. Cool ! However, it is rather expensive, and we must insist on a cash payment up front. Cash ?

Ow! Carl, let me die first. I couldn't bear to watch you die. Well, okay, but hurry up.

Um, say, is there anything I can do to avoid coming back here ? Oh, sure, yeah, but-- Ah, you wouldn't like it. Oh, okay. See you later, then. Good-bye, Bart. Remember: Lie, cheat, steal and listen to heavy metal music !

Mr. Burns, a two-part question. One: When will you see a profit again? And two: What's that red stuff coming out of your ear? Uh, Mr. Burns, may I field that one? It's true we're losing money.

Perfect mood setter for the end of your freedom. (PLAYS HARMONICA) Lessons by mail, worthwhile.

This cuting up suits me There's beauty within me So let's Olsen twin me Give them someone to love This grownup makeover Has made me a super tween

Hmm. That seems about right. You know, a tennis court can really make your house look classy. I hear Mel Brooks has one. I mean Sir Mel Brooks. And it's bad news for the gophers.

HOMER: Have you read them all? Okay, good. (DOG HOWLING) We need to bring tourism back to Springfield. As usual, I will open the floor to all crazy ideas that jump to people's minds.

Oh, closer. I've always dreamed of this moment.

Marge, you can't go with me to Moe's. I mean, how would you like it if I came with you to your mother's? I would like it. You never come to my mother's. That's because I hate her. Hmm. Until you pay us back, you're answering to me. And there's going to be big changes.

Say, Bob, how come you were never able to kill Bart? Yeah. Kids should be real simple to kill. I'd just come up behind him with a knife... and slit his throat real quick-like. Guys, Bob is my only hope. Back off and give him some room to think.

they hooked her up to a big computer to try to teach it some things. But she had so much knowledge, it overloaded. And then it got really hot and caught on fire! That never, uh, happened, did it, Homer? Uh, yes. But now I have to leave on a totally unrelated matter.

And so, Herschel Krustofski... is gone, but not forgotten. Today was the unveiling of the new Krusty stamp. Postal patrons were asked to choose between two competing designs-- one of Krusty's heartwarming smile,

But I have a girlfriend. Now you've got a pen-pal. Yay!

First, let me reassure you your fears are groundless and your complaints moronic. That's good. This film will explain everything to you... in words that you can understand. Hi. I'm Phoney McRingring, mascot and president of the telephone company.

Albuquerque! He's right! Yeah! And the wrapper says "Albuquerque Isotopes"! Homer was right! They're planning to move the team!

- Bart, what are you doing ? - Uh-oh ! - Aah ! - Aah ! Why, you little-- Uh-oh ! Now I got ya ! Aah ! Aah !

Run, Daddy! Run! Open the door, Maude! I don't have time for the secret knock!

There's a danger in this town that is bigger than all the dips put together. What, Dad ? I'm talking about that. You don't mean you're going to take on your old bosses. Wow. Gee, Dad's a hero. What'd ya say, son ? Nothin'.

Homer's a wonderful man. (CONTINUES VOCALIZING) Did you just swallow another bone? Same one! Chloe is amazing. Even her serving bowl smells glamorous. (INHALES) That's ridiculous! No one's bowl smells...

We need something quick. My husband's eyes are really shot. Whee! Touch the sky, Maggie. Whee! Touch the sky! Dad, I've got Maggie. Who said that? Come on, Bart. While your dad gets his glasses, we'll go shop for your trip.

But it looks like Father Time took care of that for us, right? Am I right, folks? Oh, this sucks. Weren't there three Indians last year?

Ha-ha! Damn! Dang! Darn!

Yeah, but even I had my limits. You're looking at expulsion for this. I know! I know!

He painted a unicorn in outer space. I'm asking you. What's it breathing? Air. Ain't no air in space. There's an air and space museum. Oh, God! My back!

Yes. In fact, I think she's a little too good for this school. If we stand together, we are strong! (ALL CHEERING) Lisa Simpson, you have just been transferred to the Springfield Magnet School for the Gifted and Troublesome. Please climb into the idling bus. But, but I...

I hate you. I saved this newspaper from the day Lisa was born. "Mondale to Hart: Where's the Beef?" "Where's the beef?" What the hell's that supposed to mean? "Where's the beef?" No wonder he won Minnesota.

Oh, that'd be great! Sleeping bags on the floor, a roaring fire. It'll be just like the time they kicked me out of the sporting goods store. If you kids can't keep your hands to yourself, I'm gonna turn this car around,

Oh, that's a relief. Go wait in the car. Aw! We could have seen a monkey. Who wants to say grace? Let's let our guest do it. Bless us, O Lord... Hey! Krusty, do the honors.

Okay, if you're gonna live in my room, you're gonna obey my rules. One: I am Bart, thy god. If I am out, the Krusty doll is thy god. If the doll's with me, you will worship the night-light. - Should the night-light be unable to fulfill its duties-- - Shut up. - You shut up! - This is not gonna work. No, you shut up!

Lisa, you don't look well. I'll make it, Mom. just tape my lunch box to my hand. Oh, my. You're burning up. And your cheeks are so swollen. I think you have the mumps. I'm calling Dr. Hibbert.

Yep, it's finally gone. D'oh! If this were a cartoon, the cliff would break off now.

So Flawless Flanders needs help... from Stinky Pants Simpson.

and now he just lies there struggling to breathe. What do you want? His cholesterol's through the roof. I want you to take that monkey back... so he can be rehabilitated and get a second chance. No, no. He's fine.

I don't know. Came out of the closet. Uh... huh.

Okay, drop the knife, Stabitha! Great grilled-cheese ghost! We've uncovered a hard-core cracker house.

To give these Germans das Boot? Jawohl! Uh, please to have new face cloth, schnell. Time to take out the Eurotrash! (YELLS) (ALL SCREAM) Oh, no! Who will put up with our nonsense now? To Disneyland, where we will heap the scorn on Goofy! (ALL CLAMORING)

No! "Unloved by Al?" No! "Unloved by all?" No! (MOANING) Dad, are you okay?

9-1-1. This better be good. I cut off my husband's thumb.

Nelson, you look adorable. I feel like punchin' myself! Bart, stop scratching. You're messing up your hair.

Well, would you care for some wine, old buddy ? Don't mind if I do.

I better not. He's insulting both of us. Let's go.

I've heard enough. Burn her!

- landscape architects... - Huhh-yah!! - choreographers... - Haww. High karate at low, low prices. I cannot tell a lie. This is a great deal. Hohh! Hey, Mom, how about if I learn karate?

Are you happy, jeeves? Yes, sir. Quite. Then we're all happy.

D'oh! Oh, Doctor, I'm crazy!

a courthouse full of people, and a popular entertainer... had nothing better to do than to teach me and Bart a lesson? I know it seems far-fetched, even insulting to your intelligence. But there's a simple and highly satisfying explanation. You see-- Hey, everybody! Surf's up!

Can't we thin this herd with some smallpox-infected blankets? We're already immune, you jerk! Gee, I never noticed that before. He's got a tree in his eye. If that tree gets too big, it'll ruin the beauty of that rock! We'll lose tourists! And then, who will buy my roadside corn? You don't sell roadside corn.

Naked girl avalanche? Uh, you die eating a submarine sandwich. What kind of bread? Uh, country Parmesan. Woo-hoo!

Excuse me, little lady. The wheelbarrow line's over there. Oh, loneliness and cheeseburgers are a dangerous mix.

Hey, Dad. Can we get this, please? Oh, my gosh. Sorry, mister. Want me to cut off the gum or just style it? Cut it off, but be careful.

"Police informant tape"? These are never supposed to leave the station. I really hate to be a snitch. Don't worry. Your yellow-bellied ratting will be held in the strictest confidence. Well, in that case, my neighbor Homer released a radioactive ape in my house.

Krusty, how ya holding up? Well, I'm kinda worried about the future. How do you deal with it? Well, you've been on TV longer than I have. I'm sure you've saved up quite a nest egg. Uh, yeah. Do they still buy human hair down at the wig shop?

I have only read about dancing in books. I will show you something that is in no book. Ooh! Mmm. Ohh! Mmm. She's not plain. She's beautiful.

Okay, let's see. Imp. Fairy. Pixie. Goblin. That's "hobgoblin." Sorry. Uh, nymph, naiad, wood sprite, Katie Couric and-- Bingo. All right. Let's make sure he's a leprechaun. Sing us a song of the Emerald Isle.

That'll do nicely. You gotta hand it to Krusty. Yeah. Even with all his problems, he's still willing... to do something unbelievably dangerous... just to entertain his fans.

The seventh Hellfish is dead! That means the fortune's almost mine.

That's very sweet, but we have a full day of hiking planned. We can hike anytime. This is our chance to see cars driving. Hi-diddly-ho pedal-to-the-metal-o-philes. Flanders! Since when do you like anything cool? Well, I don't care for the speed,

A poem by Hans Moleman. I think that I shall never see. My cataracts are blinding me. And they thought I stunk.

It was either Pops Freshenmeyer... or Homer Simpson. Simpson, eh? Let's shut down this bowling scam right now.

You don't have a clue, do you, Dad ? Out, boy. Out ! What a grump. Hm. Hm. Hmm ! Hm, hm. Hmm ? Hee.

Don't let Krusty's death get you down, boy. People die all the time, just like that. Why, you could wake up dead tomorrow. Well, good night.

Man, I can't wait to smash that chair.

Mmm. Mmm! These are the juiciest frogs I've ever eaten. Mmm! Ra has rewarded my cruelty to the slaves. It's a plague, you moron! And we got lots more planned.

You're all crazy. Crazy as a-- Okay. Here's what I think happened. Did you make it to the top, Dad? Huh? Did ya?

I'm sorry, young man. You're not what we're looking for. You're telling me, you blue-haired witch. I heard that! I guess we're not going to find anyone. We have our own suggestions for the new nanny. Would you like to hear them? You have my undivided attention.

He's gaining on us! I'm scared! Come on, Ned! Move this thing! I can't! It's a Geo!

Whoa! A sword cane! Everything here is sword. Sword baseball bat. Sword rifle. Sword pineapple. Sword sword-sharpener.

Looking for this? Now I'm going to take some advice that was given to me by Lenny... and kill you without delay. One thrust and the deed is done.

(SNORING) Hey, cat, get your own pants! (GRUNTS) Kids! Why's the cat so fat? Dad, Snowball's not fat. She's just got winter fur. (GRUNTS) Okay, she's fat. (CHOKES) Can't breathe...

(BOTH WEEPING) All right, that's enough, Fraidy Sue!

Oh, I'm sorry, Kent. Just, when the camera gets on me, I-- Hey-Hey ! Krusty !

I can't see me lovin' nobody but you For all my life When you're with me, baby the skies'll be blue For all my life Me and you and you and me

Let's keep this our little secret. We gotta hide! We'll be safe in here. Here we are. 123 Fake Street.

Don't you realize you've just been brainwashed by corporate propaganda? Apparently, my crazy friend here hasn't heard of the food chain. Yeah. Lisa's a Grade A moron. When I grow up, I'm going to Bovine University.

If you should die before you wake--

Where we going? Garbage Island.

Like a woman who's made the biggest mistake of her life! (WAILS) (MUSIC PLAYING) (KNOCK ON DOOR) (GRUNTS) (GASPS) Homer? What are you doing here?

Why are you people avoiding me? Does my withered face remind you of the grim specter of death?

meeting a classic sou'wester. Overnight, expect rain turning to freezing rain... turning to sleet turning to snow... and then melting in the summer. Snow? Maybe they'll cancel school! Look. The sea captain's all hunkered down! Arr! Help. I was tied here by teenage pirates.

Pull yourself together, man. I daresay you're in need of a long vacation. No! Don't make me take a vacation. Without you, I'll wither and die! That's a risk I'm willing to take. What would you do without me?

Now I gotta go home to that! Thanks a lot! Oh, quit your bellyachin', coffee boy. You're lucky I let you in here. Geez, Moe. You've been a real crank lately. You take that back! Now you see? That's what I'm talking about. You're always pointing that shotgun at us. And calling us dumb asses.

Go ahead and laugh. We have a better town bird.

"Cloopid blorapope."

Well, howdy, strangers. What can I do ya for? Brains. Brains. Why, Sue Dokes, you rascal. I thought you were dead and-- Dad, we did something very bad! Did you wreck the car? No. Did you raise the dead? Yes!

I don't know, Lise. To be honest, that verdict made me pretty angry.

Phone call, Mrs. Simpson-- Lines one and two. Ma, I need a glass of milk. Me too. I think the problem may be stress. I was just with Dr. Hibbert. He said I was under a lot of stress and should get some help.

Bart, I hope you won't bear some sort of simpleminded grudge against me. I was merely trying to fend off the desecration of the school building. - Eat my shorts. - Pardon ? Now, I don't want you to worry, class.

Smithers, coffee.

Duh! We're pigs! Okay. And diagnose. You've got leprosy. Leprosy! Unclean! Unclean!

Well, so did you. You got an ex-Green Beret mad.

You saved us, Maggie!

You know, you are a member of a very exclusive club. The Black Panthers?

That better not be the mutants.

Oh, you've really done it this time, dum-dum.

Hey, Dad. Can I have five bucks ? I hope you're not planning to see a certain movie... starring certain space mutants... that a certain mother didn't want you to see. Perish the thought.

Why, thank you. And, may I say, your mustache looks thick and hearty- fully Italian. Try-a the cheese-a pizza. ts greasy like-a you. You’re gonna depreciate a Mafia don’s car? Hey, we're all gonna be murdered someday.

What's the matter, Homer ? You're not your normal effervescent self. I got my problems, Moe. Give me another one. Homer, hey, you should not drink to forget your problems.

That's boring. You're boring everybody. Quit boring everyone!

Smithers, I'm beginning to think that Homer Simpson... was not the brilliant tactician I thought he was.

You'll want to focus on the neglected food groups, such as the whipped group, the congealed group... and the chocotastic.

I'm sorry, Maggie. I never realized things between us had gotten this bad. What are you pointing at?

And that was "Take This job and Shove It." Now let's make another one of our lucky phone calls. Okay, just answer the phone with the special phrase that pays, and you'll have your choice of $10,000 in cash--

Ooh, the Touch of Death. Permit me to demonstrate. Lisa, shut your eyes. Soon you will be at peace. Hey, quit it, Bart. Quit it.

Hi, everybody! Hi, Dr. Nick! Now, if something should go wrong, let's not get the law involved. One hand washes the other. Ooh, that reminds me.

Is that a Long Island Iced Tea? Oh, this? Hmm. I think it is. Mmm. You're a pretty girl. Here, boy! Here, doggie! Oh, where has my little dog gone? Oh, you lost your doggie?

Being a jerk. Minus a million points!

Meauks Tavern grand opening. That was back when his floors were sticky with promise. Welcome to Meauks, home ofthe finest bar crystal in Springfield.

But now am found Was blind but now I See-e-e-e Today we write a new page in the Flanders family Bible.

Note for later: Put rubber spider down Lisa's dress. Hey, I know. How about if I dig up some dirt on Alison? Remember how I got Milhouse's picture on America's Most Wanted?

Ohh! I gotta sit up now? Ohh! What am I, Baryshnikov? Ohh! Hey, you beat me! What a great day we've had, huh? You know, for a clown, you're not really a lot of fun. Ohh.

Don't give up, Dad. I'm just a technical supervisor who cared too much. Moe's Tavern. Is Mr. Freely there ? Who ? Freely. First initials "I.P."

Out at 5:00, catch General Sherman at 5:30, clean him at 6:00, eat him at 6:30, back in bed by 7:00 with no incriminating evidence. The perfect crime. Homer ? You're sneaking out to go fishing. I can't believe your selfishness.

I can't even watch. I don't know how you two can sit here laughing at poor Lisa... while she's out there probably scared to death. We're laughing with her, Marge. There's a big difference. With her.

Now, Krusty's closest friend and sidekick, Sideshow Mel. I'll miss you, Krusty-- I and all the other Sideshows-- except Sideshow Bob. But, in the midst of our sorrow,

I don't understand this game, Bart. How come we have to rake your lawn while you just get to sit there? Because I'm "it."

Yes. I love Lisa Simpson, and when I grow up, I'm going to marry her! NO-O-O-o! Now, you listen to me! I don't like you! I never liked you! And the only reason I gave you that stupid valentine is 'cause nobody else would! Watch this, Lise. You can actually pinpoint the second when his heart rips in half.

I am an Indian American. Yeah! You know, Apu, in a way, all Americans are immigrants. Except Native Americans. Yeah. Native Americans like us. No. I mean American Indians. Like me. No. I mean-- Hi, everyone. If I could just say a few words,

It died with an awful sound I am hungry for a candy bar I think I'll eat a Mounds Homer, you're doing drugs!

Well, and you will-

Oh, that submarine is so fake. Look, you can see the strings. Ooh! An octopus! - Shh! - What?

This isn't what I wanted. Where's the edge? I followed your napkin. No napkin could wipe the crumbs of failure from your mouth! No! No, don't fight. All great art is controversial at first. But years from now, people will point to these cuddly little creatures and say,

Never mind. Looks like the Flanders are gonna get those seats anyway. Oh, so Flanders thinks he can steal our vacation, huh? Come on! Whoo!

but first I have to say good-bye to some friends.

He's never thrown away a pastry in his life! His brain isn't large enough to juggle two contrasting personae! Yeah, and Homer's a dumbass. No offense, Homer. You dumbass. I'm telling you I'm the Pie Man. No, you're not. The Pie Man could fly. And spit acid. And animals did his bidding.

Hardly ever He's hardly ever sick at sea For he himself has said it And it's clearly to his credit That he is an Englishman

Hey ! What ? What ? Oh, my. Where are we supposed to get a sitter on such short notice ? Oh, dear. If we can't find a baby-sitter, we can't go. What a kick in the teeth. What do you need a baby-sitter for ? I'm almost ten and a half.

Hmm. I don't think they're giving enough information, Dad. I'll figure it out. I'm gonna use all the power of my brain.

Maybe I'll just shut my big mouth.

Hey, monkey, you want a peanut? I said one!

We're not ready! Uh-oh.

Lick it. Lick it. No!

Quit stalling! What's the plan? All right, just take your seat. just take your seat. Now, working with former Carter administration officials... and military men who were forced into early retirement... for various reasons that we won't go into here, okay, we have planned this defense for the city. As the comet hurdles toward the city,

Homer ? I like to think that I'm a patient, tolerant woman...

Good morning, class. Harry Potter, are you chewing gum? No, ma'am. It's brimstone. Whoo! Well, wonderful.

Shoot, it's awfully quiet on the plains here. Well, how about this ? Everybody, I wanna see two eyes... on every single person staring at me right now. There are three things wrong with my costume. Anybody names those three things will get my hat. I believe I know the answer. Wh-Wh-What's your name ? Lisa Simpson.

This was my fiancee, Gertrude. I was working so hard, I missed our wedding, our honeymoon and our divorce proceedings. She died of loneliness. Loneliness and rabies. Do you see why I brought you here, Simpson? Yes. Yes. If I keep putting work first... I'll lose everyone I care about...

Good morning, Springfield ! Good morning, Mr. and Mrs. Winfield ! Why don't you get a haircut, you hippie ! Good morning, Moe's Tavern ! Hey ! It's the president !

I'm a vampire, and I've come to suck your blood. Blah! Oh-- This cape is giving me a rash. Grampa's a vampire?

We're all going to die! Run! Mmm... mmm.

In these days of rising health care costs, blah, blah, blah, lip service, lip service. Get out! (EMPLOYEES GASP) This must be the nasty surprise he mentioned in the invitation. - (UNINTELLIGIBLE ANGRY CHATTER) - No! This sucks! Get him!

Since the day I was born All I got is this rusty This rusty old horn I got a bratty brother He bugs me every day

Those kids are, like, so sweet.

Next, your Mickey Mantle for my picture of Homer on the couch.

From the schoolhouse where our grandparents learnt To the bad zoo where all the animals burnt We're home to Christian Muslim and Jew Although not many of the last two There's a girl for every guy

Ned Flanders is on the phone. Oh, if this is about that stupid quarter again, I... Hello, Ned. Sorry to bother you, Reverend Lovejoy. Our son Todd just told us he didn't want to eat his damn vegetables. You know kids and vegetables.

Bart, by special request of the mayor's office, you are going to be left back. You mean I have to repeat the fourth grade?

Circus? The Cirque de Purée. We've had tickets since Septembre. But I want to watch Brett Favre! Come on, Homer. They're only in town for eight months. Then they're gone. Oh! I missed one of Jerry's zingers. Now I'll never catch up.

Oh, I was just a stupid kid back then. And I feel terrible about hurting you. Will you accept my apology? Apology? Uh, geez. I wasn't expecting that. Uh-- Run! Man, that felt great! Okay, last stop, Channel 6.

Bart, you're getting vomit on my prince! Head Zeppelin!

We're from the Nuclear Regulatory Commission. This is a surprise test of worker competence. There must be some mistake. We, uh-- We make cookies here.

Wow, what an ending. Who would have thought Darth Vader was Luke Skywalker's father? Well, thank you, Mr. Blow-The-Picture-For-Me. Marge, you're as pretty as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda. Oh, Homer.

It's all right, boys. Oh, thank goodness everyone's okay. Except your thumb, and Lisa's science project. I couldn't help but notice your respective predicaments. Perhaps I may offer a bipartite solution.

- I saw Krabappel's butt. - I paid. Whoopsie. Mm, this could take a minute. - There's an opening, Mom. - I don't know. I-- I hate to change lanes once I get going. That's really for race car drivers. Mom, to your left. He's letting you in. Go!

(BOTH GRUNTING ANGRILY) Next? (GRUNTS) Can you make me look like this? (BOTH GRUNTING ANGRILY) Whoa! My bad boy spikes! My good girl points!

Oh. I've never been so miserable in all my life. But I can't take it out on Marge and the kids. I've gotta carry the burden all by myself.

Oh, God, Smithers I feel so alive!

Here. Boy, those pies look good! Open your gullet, you human blob. Well, what do you think?

Ah, don't mind if I do. Hey! Are we duelin' or what? Oh, where are my manners? You okay, Dad? I think so. The bone stopped the bullet. Dad, this might be one of those things you should go to the hospital for.

Hey, they done switched the groom with a pig! No wonder he was pooping so much. Ha-ha! Come on! Let's get those polecats!

You could give the money to the orphanage. I hear they need a new wall. Three is not enough. Maude, it's Disco Stu.

Good morning, students. Way to go there, Wendell!

I thought I recognized you. I gave you a plate of corn muffins back in 1947 to paint my chicken coop. And you never did it! Those corn muffins were lousy. Paint my chicken coop! Make me! That does it. One of them has to go.

You impaled a United States senator with the American flag. Why did Mr. Smith kill everybody? It was symbolism. He was mad! But this was going to be the studio's prestige picture, like Howard's End or Sophie's Choice. Ew! Those movies sucked. I only saw them to get Marge into the sack.

So I said to that nurse, "You can take your free tetanus shot and shove it." You told her, Dad.

Hey, no problemo, Bart-dude. I'll get rid of it.

And 11 with Robert Urich. Super freak Super freak I'm super freakin' Yow Aw, man. What'd I do now? Wonderful. Now, that song is dedicated... to all you supergeeks who rocked around the clock to exterminate America's Y2K bugs. Slammin'!

Mmm. Good memoirs. Good, not great.

He told us he'd been going to the gym. Wow. Anyway, you don't think he could be at another bar, do you? Because I couldn't take that. I-- I just couldn't. I--

Uh, my punishment? Hmm? Oh, I'm gonna have to think about that. Meanwhile, wear this home. NO-O-o. I need some more ether.

Prithee, tell me thou art not a Sodomite. Nope. Not even a Gomorrahian. Oh, Temperance, I've got an overpowering urge to see you...

But, Mom, the school's right here. I won. Don't take that away from me. Okay. Everybody off. Oops. Almost forgot. Picking up a new kid today.

You want to kill me? Go ahead and kill me. Oh! Hey! Hey! All right! Okay already! Look, we can talk this over.

The itchy and scratchy show

Being myself didn't work. Being someone else didn't work. Maybe I just wasn't meant to have friends. Lisa is gonna freak when she sees this. Well, hurry up. They'll be back soon. Lisa!

That must be the happiest kid in the world. Psst! Hey, Simpson. Check this out.

Yeah? Well, it's your turn to get the ball out of the peach basket. I'll get a ball out of your peach basket one of these days. Welcome to gymnastics. I am Coach Lugash. I came to this country in '83 by cartwheeling over Berlin Wall.

The only way someone new can get in the book... is with some kind of group stunt. Group stunt? Like that town that made the world's largest omelet. Denver? No, Spanish.

Oh, uh-- Although, you know-- Though I started my career... several years before Krusty, so, you know, I could never really have learned anything... directly from him, still, I think, in a way-- in a very meaningful way--

Where's your science fair project, boy? I thought I'd investigate the effects of cigarette smoking on dogs. Bart! Don't give the dog cigarettes. Well, time to go to work.

Well, there's certainly no greater accomplishment... than fathering three beautiful children. Hike. Oh, I should've punted. Turn it off. Turn it off. Hang on, Dad. This next part will definitely make you feel better about yourself.

You killed my best friend! Ooh-hoo! You killed my father, who was like a best friend! Ooh-hoo! All I need is my trusty sling and one good, hard, um-- Say, how's tomorrow for you?

Oh, I miss Marge. Lisa, you're smart. Help me trick her into taking me back. Dad, you can't trick somebody into loving you. There's a reason two people come together and stay together. There's something they give each other that nobody else can give them. If you want Mom back, you just have to remember what you give her that nobody else can.

So if I play, the guys are gonna kill me. If I don't, I'll be letting Homer down. What am I gonna do? Well, I know you don't want to disappoint Dad, but how do you feel about lying to him? Good. Oh, you guys are so cut.

If it's black, send it back.

Well, I may not know much, but I do know talent when my producers point it out to me. We have our first contestant! Clarissa Wellington! (ALL CHEER) Oh, there's no way I'm gonna beat her. Why? Just because she sings like Whitney Houston brought to life? (SIGHS) Don't lose hope, sweetie.

We are trying to put a tiny thrill into their gray little lives. Oh, forget it. Turn on the lasers. Aah! My vision. That's it. Show's over. Good night, Springden.

Nah. Yeah, they're not great.

"then you'll have to bring your receipts."

What if she doesnt? We'll have to smoke her out. N And may the peace of God be with you. Amen. Amen. Cher. Breaker, breaker. Bartman to shut-in. The big guy's asleep. Please advise. Over. Whack him with the hymnai Cher.

Would you people get a life! Not an option. Stop corrupting our children! No! Bart, this is all your fault. Dont worry. Krusty always lands on his feet. Help! I got-

Oh, yes, Doctor. - Whoa ! - Aaah ! - How could you shock your little sister ? - My finger slipped. So did mine.

Marge Simpson? ts Ruth. Ruth Powers. Ruth Powers? My old neighbor? Oh, my goodness. Look at you. I got this body in prison. l was Miss Mexican Mafia three years in a row. Wow.

It is with great pride that I dedicate this new school, sports arena or attraction.

No problem. Now, you stay shackled to that radiator... until you come up with some insurance. It's 11:00 a.m. on a workday, so he must be at that stupid bar. Is my husband there? I don't think he's here. Hang on. Let me check.

F-- Dear Lord! That's the loudest profanity I've ever heard.

D'oh! Not again! I can't take much more of your blundering numskullery. I'll be in the car, dudes. There is one more way to kill a man, but it is as intricate and precise...

And now to present our final award for Teacher of the Year, Little Richard! I love teachers! In fact, I'm a teacher. I taught Paul McCartney to go "Whoo!" "Purple Rain!" Shut up!

Oh, Homer, there's a bird on your head. I know. He's grooming me. Mm, elephant fresh.

Get to the point. 1150 bones. That's all I got. Broke again, eh, Herb? Just like in real life. I guess you're just not much of a businessman.

No problem. Huh. No harm done. I wouldn't say that. Mmm-hmm. God, please give your daughter, the Tooth Fairy, the strength to carry my cash and the integrity not to dip her wand in the till.

Hey, uh, careful, boys. That arch is looking a little Romanesque. Sorry, Daddy. How should I punish myself? No, Son. You let 'em finish, then you smash it. That's a good boy. Mush, Homer! Mush! Catch, Dad! Catch! Okay, that stings daddy's eyes, honey.

Fifteen-minute recess, Milhouse. The recess assignment is chapters three through seven. Yea, recess! I found a hive of killer bees. You wanna go throw rocks at it?

Bart! No! Wait! Wait! My children are in there! You must be very proud, ma'am. Our city will not negotiate with terrorists. Is there a city nearby that will?

I think it's lunchtime. We have a winner!

(NICKERING) They're so beautiful. And their breath smells like peppermint. No! No! I won't take your blood ponies! Go on, sweeties. Go on. Shoo. (HISSING)

All right. I'm almost there. It-- Ohh! - Another place mat, sir? - Please. While we're waiting for our pie,

Wake up! What? What's wrong? House run away? Dog's on fire? Homie, do you think that the romance has gone out of our lives? Wake up! Marge, it's 3:00 a.m., and I worked all day. It's 9:30 p.m., and you spent your whole Saturday...

It's an asphalt spreader. It's 67 tools in one !

WILLIE: Look at me. I'm Milhouse. I tuck my shirt into me underpants. (ALL LAUGHING) WILLIE: I've got no friends. So I confide in Willie. (LAUGHING LOUDLY) (GIGGLING NERVOUSLY) Oh, that's good...

Mom? I think I'll have some wine.

Not that you care about the ups and downs of my appliances. Do you? Do you? Oh! That's it! I'm going to show you some moves I learned from G. Gordon Liddy! I'm so sick of names! (BOTH GRUNTING)

Glad to "rake" your acquaintance. It was only a dream.

Man, that Princess Tempura's one heck of a Transformazoid. Wait. I'm confused. Why was a wolf shooting a web? Cartoons don't have to make sense. He's right, you know. Daddy, are you sure it's okay for us to watch cartoons?

What are we laughing at ?

I think he's had a heart attack. Young man, you've had what we call a "cardiac episode." Worst episode ever.

Why all the black? Why all the pearls? Why all the hair? Why anything? You look a little nervous, Dad. No, you look a little nervous, Lisa. You're up to something aren't you? No!

You wanna hold it for a while?

This campus is so lush and verdant. Yes. You probably recognize it from the film Calling All Coeds. Ohh! Is that where Boozer drank the pee? It's one of the places. Whee! Whee! Whee! Whee!

It glides as softly as a cloud. Is there a chance the track could bend? Not on your life, my Hindu friend. What about us brain-dead slobs? You'll be given cushy jobs. Were you sent here by the devil? No, good sir. I'm on the level.

So grow a penis or get lost. (STRAINING) I can't. Buh-bye.

ALL: Ooh. You broke in! We're big fans, Mr. Gladwell. Yeah. Nothing makes parents happier than when an eccentric single man takes an interest in their child. Bart, that's your share of the T-shirt profits so far.

Hot stuff comin' through. Dad, why did you bring me to a gay steel mill? I don't know! This is a nightmare!

today We're gonna teach all you rug rats a lesson. Oh, yeah? What can you old people do to us? Yeah, you old fogeys! Buzz off, you old-- What do you got? You're all wrinkly!

It's always the children's fault, isn't it, Seymour? Yes. Yes, it is, sir.

That means it's a place where we do radio activities. (LET'S TWIST AGAIN PLAYING) (LAUGHING) I'm happy to be exposed to that kind of radioactivity. (LAUGHING) You know, the fish here are so friendly, you can walk right up and feed them.

Oh. Happy anniversary, Marge. Hey, look what was in here! A program from that guy's funeral. You mean Frank Grimes? Yeah, him. Whatever happened to that guy?

Doh ! I... can't... breathe ! Too many... chil... dren.

Yeah, isn't it amazing? They're filming one right now in the bathroom. Gonna be on towards the end of the flight. Toga! Toga! Toga 2,000! Marge, they stole my idea. Welcome to Japan, folks.

Hand over all your money. Was it scary? Uh-huh. Ooh, baby. Uh-oh.

I'm giving up anger forever! If you ask me, you should give up fatty foods. I said anger! Did it again.

We kicked down the back door, but then there was a metal door. Yeah, all right. Listen up. This is the busiest drinking day of the year. Where are the designated drivers? Beat it!

Who am I clowning? I have no business being a clown. I'm leaving the clowning business to all the other clowns in the clowning business. Oh, no. Well, well, well, velocity boy. I'm gonna give you the biggest ticket you-- Hey, hey! Krusty!

simply by pressing this "Play" button. Pretty sweet, hey? I would like to start by reading a passage from Robert Frost. "Two roads diverged in a yellow wood, and--" Homer! All in favor of skipping the poem. Thank you.

Oh, poor Mark Hamill. That swarm of nerds is gonna kill him. Nerds!

Just what we need. Another lame suburban kid who loves rap. So? You like the blues. Yes. But the blues are unpopular. Man, are you illin'. Rappers stopped saying "illin'" 12 years ago. I'm keepin' it real! They stopped saying "keepin' it real" three years ago. Mom, Lisa's dissin' me!

But, Zelda, if you're looking for something with a big backseat... and a lot of gas, I'm your man. Oh!

Is there anything you need? Well, you could make my evening complete. What's wrong? My whole romantic life is flashing before my eyes.

Back! Back, I say! Oh, no! I'm out of popcorn! Throw your peanuts! You throw your peanuts!

LISA: We've become pariahs! In the last two hours, I've gotten 1000 hate spams. (RINGING) Y'ello? Appear on your TV show? Tell our side of the story?

Greetings, I am Akira your guide on the path to true karate. And this is our map, The Art of War by Sun-Tzu. It will teach us our most important lesson. We learn karate so we need never use it. Um... I already know how not to hit a guy. Can we break out the nunchukas?

But killing snakes is evil.

Each bullet wound is a badge of honor.

Drive faster, Grandma! Grandma's gaining on us! They'll never look for us here. Yeah, this place is emptier than a Scottish pay toilet.

Hey, where's Maggie? Here she is! And look how big she's gotten!

Darryl. Darryl. - Darryl. - Darryl. Children, that's not very nice.

Oh. Okay. Well, I really enjoyed being you, Dr. Hibbert. Oh, by the way, you're not welcome in the library no more.

Uh, Dave Shutton, Springfield Daily Shopper. Who are you? Where you going?

ABE: Little did I know I really was shipping out in the morning! I'll never forget you, Edwina! But I did...

Well, these new Italian loafers will make short work of it. Uh, I'm kinda busy on Saturday.

She's wearing a plaid jumper. Milhouse! Samantha! I went to Circus of Values and bought you a ten-gallon tub of gummi bears. I'm sorry about getting you thrown in the penguin house. That's all right, Bart. I love Saint Sebastian's.

Rat. Fine. Syringe. Fine. Nose. Fine. Let me just say you're doin' a great job, Phil. Hey, thanks a lot. That makes it all worthwhile. Mmm! Gummi Beer.

all right, Marge you've convinced me there are more terrible things than musical Comedies where everyone sings

Yeah ! They're cool, and they last the rest of your life. You will not be getting a tattoo for Christmas. Yeah. If you want one, you'll have to pay for it out of your own allowance. All right !

...to conclude this Halloween newscast on a scary note: remember, the presidential primaries... are only a few months away. Hey, if you don't like it, go to Russia.

Oh, that's just Lara Flynn Boyle. I have a boil on my ass. Now, Willie, don't tell anyone I'm trying my stand-up comedy act tonight. If the students find out I'm performing at Floppy's, I'll never live it down. I won't tell if you put me on the guest list.

Oh, you're only calling us a cow college 'cause we were founded by a cow. Whoa, Nellie. We have ourselves a barn burner here today. Welcome to the 117th dust up between the Snortin' Swine of Springfield A&M... and the Springfield University Nittany Tide.

Oh, you son..! Homer, I owe you one, buddy. No sooner had I shaved off the old cookie duster than a lady cast me in a commercial. These checks keep coming-- It's criminal. You dirty bast..!

We spend too much time on the front.

Eat crowd, old man! ; Hey, hey, good-bye;

it's your world and I'm just A squirrel trying to get A nut to move your butt to the dance floor so, yo, what's up hands in the air come on, say yeah everybody over here everybody over there the crowd is live and I pursue this groove - party people in the house - move

You there. Fill it up with petroleum distillate. And revulcanize my tires, posthaste.

Ho, ho, ho. Ho, ho, ho. Whoa! It's Santa, all right. And he is kickin' ass.

Don't worry. Daddy's gonna get it back. I don't know how, but I'll figure out something. Thank you. You know, Lisa, music helps Daddy think.

Inflation, trade deficit, horrible war atrocities. How are we supposed to do our big musical number with so many problems in the world?

and your picture's on the cover!

Homer, that was a 20. Da..! Oh, you son..!

I am so far from my car. Dude, you're lying on top of me. Dude? Wait a minute. Look at the scale. Divide by the number of people, subtract belts and shoes-- Everyone, welcome to The Duff Book of World Records.

before this yearly custom became an annual tradition.

All I'm asking is for you to yank my teats and harvest my milk. Oh, fine!

Go ahead, angel. jebediah Springfield was nothing more... than an evil bloodthirsty pirate who hated this town. Good God!

Oh! Let me guess. Now you're gonna start working him over with the brass knuckles. You are so predictable. You know what would be surprising? A foot massage. Shut up. D'oh! Beating a man to a bloody pulp isn't going to impress me.

You killed him. He was my world. ALL: (CHANTING) Blood for cream. Blood for cream. Blood for cream. Blood for cream.

Hm. Well, i-i thought I told you. Kids, back me up. He's right, Mom. Sorry. Match point-- Homer. - I'm sorry, honey. - It's okay. We're none of us perfect. Me, Mae, Ma, moe, moo

Lincoln, Lincoln I been thinkin' What the hell have you been drinkin' is it water is it wine Oh, my gosh it's turpentine Red hot peppers ! Yaa-haah ! Go, go, go !

Hmm. That still wouldn't explain what I'm seeing here. You look familiar. Have we met before? Um-- Clear! Clear! Doctor, he's gone.

Shiva H. Vishnu! Where is that noise coming from? I must say, I've had a lovely evening, Agnes. I don't suppose I could come in for a cup of--

Uncle Sam? Let me play this backwards. Join the navy Join the navy.

Oh, you've gotten pretty fat, Davey.

No, that's a trilobite. That's petrified wood. Bart, that's a bran muffin! Greetings, fellow geode-ologist.

Good-bye, Marge. I'll miss ya. I hope you find somebody. Men are such slime. But I'm seeing this new guy. I think he's different. Yoo-hoo! He says his name is Homer, and he works at the nuclear plant.

Now remember, as far as anyone knows, we're a nice, normal family.

Marge, remove that stitching.

I think we've lost them. They weren't following us. Then why did I drive through that barn? Oh! Why did you guys have to take me away? You're always nagging me to go to church. And now that I am, it's the wrong one. I just don't think your father's the right person to pick out a religion for you.

Don't eat pork not even with a fork Can't touch this! Marge, are we jewish? No, Homer. Whoo-hoo! Mmm! But, first, we all stink. We all-- Hey! That's according to a national survey ranking Springfield... as the least popular city in America.

Dad. Let's see where he's going with this.

I didn't have much marrow. I can't let that happen. I gotta go. Listen, Bart, if you leave me now, I can guarantee one thing about your future. I won't be in it. Not going to Yale isn't the end of the world. Yeah, I'm starting to see that.

Why don't those stupid idiots let me in their crappy club for jerks?

There. Yo, Homer, you got to get ready for work. Uh-huh. What?

I got my First laughs at yeshiva impersonating my father. Blah, blah, blah... Moses!

You're gonna-- Lemon tree? That tree's been in Springfield since the time of our forefathers. Give it back, or we'll bust in there and take it! Bust in here and take it? You must be stupider than you look.

Wake up, you lousy drunk!

This is the last thing she needs. But I think she'll win. Dad, have you seen the girls they have in those contests?

That makes two of us. All right, McBain ! Cool ! - "That makes two of us." - Hmm. You know, I can't believe we're talking about the same movie. Oh, no. I thought McBain was a nonstop roller coaster... of chills, thrills, spills and kills. And that chase at the end, my friend ? Mwah !

Oh, a little bit of everything.

Mmm, please. Road rage? Excuse me. What are you doing? Oh. I was just praying to God that you'll find me sane. I see. And this "god," is he in this room right now? Oh, yes. He's kind of everywhere. Mmm.

Oh, wait a minute. Actually, a woman is more like a beer. They smell good. They look good. You'd step over your own mother just to get one! But you can't stop at one. You wanna drink another woman.

Ah, yes. This is a product called Mr. Sparkle. Very popular dish detergent. Hey, he looks like you! What's he saying? He identifies himself... as a magnet for foodstuffs. He boasts that he will banish dirt to the land of wind and ghosts.

And cut. I just wanna thank you folks so much. This has turned out to be a great, great story for me. I think they're running out of tomatoes.

A walking clock! I'd wager he has some variety of walking clock in that box. Bart, is it a walking clock? What? No, it's my dog. Oh, he is a gem! Here, boy. Would you like these cookies Martin made for me? My raisin roundies!

Um, Chief, can I at least shield my crotch?

What is his name? This is my room. This is my dresser. It's where I keep my shirts when I'm not wearing them. Oh, yes. Right in the drawers. You remembered. Oh, I've missed moments like this, Mom.

- Hey! - Ned, we meant well. And everyone here tried their best. Well, my family and I can't live in good intentions, Marge! Oh, your family's out of control, but we can't blame you, because you have good intentions!

Now you see, Gramps, I wanna customize the bus. You know, chop the top, jack it up, put mag wheels on it, psychedelic paint job from hell, man. Jam the kids to school at 150 miles an hour, you know. Here's an artist rendering. Note the cobra wrapped around the naked chick. Next ! Oh.

It's low tide, boys.

na-na, na-na, na-na, na-na leader na-na, na-na, na-na, na-na leader leader, leader batman i mean-- Leader I love the Leader.

Ah, geez. Really? You think so? All right, give 'em back! Everybody, give 'em back. Hey, hey! Who pulled the pin on this one? Very well. If that is the way the winds are blowing, let no one say I don't also blow. Free Bob.

We find the defendant guilty. Marge Simpson, I sentence you to 30 days in prison. Next case. The National Council of Churches vs. Lionel Hutz. Oh, right. That thing.

Moe's Tavern. Hello. Is Al there? Al? Yeah, Al. Last name Coholic. Let me check. Phone call for Al-- Al Coholic. ...uh, jock Strap. Is I.P. Freely here? Hey, is there a Butts here? Seymour Butts? Uh, Homer Sexual?

Why? How? When? Which? Bart! Dad, hide your shame!

I may be a soul, but I'm hungry. Can you throw in a little matzo? Maybe a nice piece of fish. Why, of course, Father. Allow me to satisfy your Hebraic desires. That's a good shmendele. Oh, I've waited so long to hear you say that. What does it mean? Is it dirty?

So, you're a baby, huh? How's that working out for you? He did it! Look at your heroic daddy in there, making funny faces,

(SNAPPING) (SCREAMS IN PAIN) Oh, my ankle snapped!

I think we hit something. I hope it's Flanders.

But when I do it, it's cute. So, finally, we're all in agreement about what's going on with the adults. Milhouse. Okay. Here's what we've got. The Rand Corporation, in conjunction with the saucer people-- Thank you.

(WHITE WEDDING PLAYING) It's a nice day for a white wedding It's a nice day to start again (LAUGHING MISCHIEVOUSLY) (MUSIC STOPS)

He's talking funny talk. No, Dad, that's Hebrew. Krusty must be jewish. A jewish entertainer? Get out of here! There are many prominent Jewish entertainers including Lauren Bacall, Dinah Shore, William Shatner and Mel Brooks. Mel Brooks is jewish?!

(GROANS) You're working with Cameron now? His name isn't Cameron anymore. He's now Johnny Rainbow. Mr. Simpson, about that... I'm not Mr. Simpson! That ship has sailed. I'm Colonel Cool!

Homer, werent you supposed to meet your wife half an hour ago?

Flanders, can you watch my kids while I'm at the rehab clinic?

Who are you to resist it, huh? Come on. My last paycheck bounced. My children need wine.

The world has not seen the likes of this... since the French carried Lucky Lindy off on their shoulders... from Le Bourget Field.

I can't believe it. Jerry Springer didn't solve our conflict. And now he's dead. Anyhoo, this is your last chance.

Boy, I'm feeling this. Ow. Ooh, my head's gonna be sore in the morning. Excuse me. You're doing this station all backwards.

This just in. Go to hell! From the world of organized crime, say hello to Anthony "Fat Tony" D'Amico! And the ruiner of events worldwide -- title fights, the Super Bowl, and the Nixon funeral--

It's Maggie. Oh, Maggie. I got nothin' against Maggie.

Uh, listen, Homer, we'd love to help you,

Oh, Temperance, I've got an overpowering urge to see you... With your hat off! Hmm. I can't. I must remember my wedding vows. Did you promise to be miserable? To be taken for granted by a drunken lout? Pretty much. We wrote our own vows.

Oh! Oh! Sweet glayvin!

Oh, Bart, that's so sweet. It's the best present a mother could get, and it makes you look so dangerous. One "Mother," please.

Oh. Mom ! Mom ! Wake up ! We've been robbed ! What ? Someone swiped my piggy bank ! Your father's gone too ! Look what I found. Almost there.

"Call me Ishmael, dummy." How did you write all these books? Duh, I don't know. Me gotta go to bank now.

Ow! My hairstyle. Not again. Good-bye, cruel world. Hello, ironic twist.

Herschel? Herschel, oy vay iz mir! You have brought shame on our family. If you were a musician or a jazz singer this I could forgive, but this? I never want to see you again, you... you clown!

Put on a smile, high-pants. I've got a surprise for you. I've booked us a room for the weekend in Branson, Missouri. The Grits Carlton Hotel. Oh, that's great. Uh, but there's a slight hitch.

Oh, Steve, you 're everything a giri could Want - What's your secret? - Well, Cathy, i // teii you. ts Viagrogaine. it gives you iots of hair and what you need down there! What are you waiting for, ioser? [Man Announcing f Possible side-effects include ioss of scalp and penis.

All right! My bumper fell off! Not my fault. Act of God, act of God. Uh-oh. Uh-- Ahh!

No problemo. We'll just get off at the next exit. Bart.

Mr. Mayor, you cant flip-flop on this. We'll miss the meteor shower.

Yeah-- Pinchy? Pinchy? Oh! Pinchy!

I'll never forgive myself for this. Wait a minute. Those are yours, sir? Yes. I am in flavor country. Both of them? It's a big country.

I want my last hours of family life to be happy ones. Hmm. Well, have you decided what you want to do tomorrow ? Almost.

I feel like chicken tonight Like chicken tonight Like chicken tonight It's been great spending time with my family again. I guess the next time I see you won't be until Thanksgiving. Or if not then, Christmas.

You know, isn't it interesting... how the left, or "sinister," twin is invariably the evil one?

that makes existence extra nice

Frau Lunch Lady, please to have another Sloppy jimbo. Das ist gut, nein? Now that's your third helping, young man. It's making you fat and soft... and tender. Mmm. Uh, you just cut in line, didn't you? Report to detention, Uter. For how long? Oh, about seven minutes a pound should do it.

It's the American way Hi, diddly ho, Shary Bobbins.

what A handsome lad

Because there's lots of stuff she doesn't know about! You mean, like your poker shack out in the swamp? Mm-hmm. She knows.

Must wash eyes!

Say, uh, Barn, uh, remember when I said I'd have to send away to NASA to calculate your bar tab? Oh, yeah. We all had a good laugh, Moe. The results came back today.

Well, we're leaving. And remember, no Itchy and Scratchy. Aw! I'd better take these batteries just to be sure.

Oh, no. I'm gonna go off the end of the-- D'oh!

Dance! Dance! Dance! Dance! Sir, we'll need a new dangerous emissions supervisor. Yes, we'll find someone cheap. It's been a very lean year for us.

What are you doing to me? I said start it at 60 r.p.m., then move it up to 100 on the skirt blow! - Sorry, Krusty, I choked. - You choked? You choked? Bart! Bart! Krusty just fired his associate producer. - I'm reading. - No way.

Geez. That guys sure likes his fresh air. None of that for me. Oh, yeah. Yeah. You sure it's okay to smoke Cuban cigars and gamble here...

Awesome! So long, suckers!

Homer, I don't think this fish is quite dead yet. Marge, please, I'm having enough trouble with the lobsters. Oh, my goodness! That's Tattoo Annie.

You see, because that is your song. I heard you. Yes, because someone saved your life tonight. Cut it out! Well, well, the bitch is back. Oh! Oh, geez!

Two ration stamps and an artillery shell full of oleo! What's your nostalgia prize, Grampa? Liberace action figure! Party tonight at Roddy McDowall's. Whoo.

Dad, are you listening to me? Shh! Lisa! The dog is barking. All right. Are you willing to go undercover to nail this creep? No way, man! No way, man! Get yourself another patsy, man! No way am I wearin' a freakin' wire. All right, all right.

Actually, sir, he thwarted your campaign for governor, you ran over his son, he saved the plant from meltdown, and his wife painted you in the nude-- Eh, doesn't ring a bell. Homer! Homer! Homer!

It's a beautiful day to kick your ass! You die now!

Three, ha-ya-yah. Two, ha-ya-yah. Stupid switch! I wish I had my reaching broom.

Yeah. Hey, Mom. How come you're not putting on any of my perfume ? Mm. Well, I'm saving it for a special occasion. What the hell are you talking about ? There's gallons of it ! Bart ! But this occasion is already so special. If we made it any more special,

Bart! What are you doing in my room? Lisa, certain differences-- rivalries, if you will-- have come up between us. At first I thought we could talk it over like civilized people,

What, Dad ? I'm talking about that. You don't mean you're going to take on your old bosses. Wow. Gee, Dad's a hero. What'd ya say, son ? Nothin'. That's okay. I'll just assume you said what I thought I heard you say.

Sugar man! Mmm! Door-to-door sugar? What a marvelous idea. Who's at the door? What's that, Mother? I'm just talking to the sugar man.

Don't do it, Lisa! It's a trick! Run! Run! Oh. I don't see any kids at all. It's like they ditched me in advance. So he goes, like-- I can totally hear him going that.

Oh, yeah. Yeah. You sure it's okay to smoke Cuban cigars and gamble here... now that your wife's a cop? Are you kidding? Being a cop husband is one mighty sweet deal. This police radio entertains me with other people's miseries, we get a free funeral for Marge-- God forbid--

Little Bart. Little Lisa. Little Marge. And the rest!

Are you gonna eat that all by yourself? Uh-huh. Pinchy would've wanted it this way. My dear, sweet Pinchy.

- Well, hey. It's Homer. Good to see you, nei-- - Get lost. Hear ye! Hear ye! Hear ye! He is not the official town crier! Police, do something!

My dad gets in car accidents on purpose.

I admit this: You better shut your big yap. Oh, you shut up. No, you shut up ! No, you shut up ! - shut up ! - Shut up ! - Why don't you both shut up ? Hi, friends. I'm Dr. Marvin Monroe. Does this scene look familiar ? If so, I can help.

If he passes obedience school, we can keep him. Yea ! All right ! See, boy ? It's not so hard. Here. Roll over. Roll over ! Like this. Congratulations, sonny. You've earned a toffee. Oh, thank you, you moldy old maid.

Oh. Thank God. I hope he pulls through. Not me. Let's have a minute of silent prayer... for our good friend, Homer Simpson. How long has it been? Six seconds.

Goo-goo-ga-joob? Ha-ha! Ha-ha!

You stay here till you're no longer insane. Hmm. Chili would be good tonight.

Somebody done "stolded" my wheels. Thanks a lot! Now I gotta walk to Shelbyville.

All I know is they stole my face and used it for their stupid logo. - There's no other explanation. - Wait! Look!

Next. Exactly. D'oh!

He's 300 pounds. He's white. He's dressed without flair.

(FARTING SOUND ON WALKIE-TALKIE) (ALL LAUGHING) The only gas is coming from Lisa's butt. (ALL LAUGHING) People, please. I'm talking about toxic vapors. (FARTING SOUND ON WALKIE-TALKIE) (ALL LAUGHING) Emanations. (FARTING SOUND ON WALKIE-TALKIE) (ALL LAUGHING) Miasmas. (BLOWING RASPBERRY OVER WALKIE-TALKIE) CLANCY: Hey, whoever's doing that, get off the frequency.

Back to the wing. Back to the center.

Mainly your mother. Is that what we do in this family? When someone becomes an inconvenience, we just get rid of them?

Whoo-hoo! A whole week of just father and son. See you at dinner. - What time? - I don't know. Shall we say... 10:00? All right, just wake me up.

Marge, they don't have anywhere to stay. And they're geniuses. They'll solve all our problems. They'll elevate us to the status of kings on Earth! Mr. Simpson, we all have nosebleeds. Oh, for the love of--

Oh, you're really coming along, Homie. Yeah. The doctor says that soon my pelvis... will actually be stronger and more beautiful than ever. Gee. Everything always works out for you. Oh!

She could be at sweeping up hair. (CHUCKLES) That's my baby, jerk! Ow! You call that a punch? I felt it, but it was like, "So what?" Oh! Again with the nose. I have a chin, you know? (GRUNTS) Don't worry, sir. The maid and I will take him out to the curb.

Excellent! MARGE: (GASPS) He's turned it into a prison! (GROANS) (ALL HOOTING)

- What? - Do you have any hobbies? No, not really. Well, that's what I-- Wait a minute. What are you doing? Building a soap box derby racer. D'oh! That's a hobby. Hey, so it is. Oh, my God. I don't know jack about my boy.

See ya in hell, you wingless bloodsuckers. What kind of parents would permit such a lapse in "scalpal" hygiene? Well, you'd better check out his sister. She could be rife with them "boogs" too.

(WHIMPERS) Just forget everything you know about gravity. But I know so much about it. Just do it! Geronimo! (LAUGHING)

And now, the eagerly awaited Super Bowl Half-time Show. Sponsored by the new Ford pick-ups, Citibank, and Moe's Tavern.

Cra-a-a-ap! Homie. Be strong, Marge. I'm sure he's gone to a better place. D'oh!

Three, two, one, pull! That exterminator tent will be perfect for your revival meeting. Mmm. Maybe we should air it out a little.

Hmm? Hmm. Hmm. Mm-mmm. Hmm. Hmm. Oh! So, working at the D.M.V. must be very interesting. Well, I think I'm getting Repetitive Stress Disorder... from scratching my butt all day.

Now you've got nothing! Okay, Mom. For you, I'll try. (CHOKING) Okay. Now we know you're allergic to cauliflower. But I made a special platter of vegetables that are good for you. It graffiti you can eatie.

There's not gonna be an easy answer. Easy answer, eh? Oh, yeah. That's it, baby. That's the money shot. Yeah, the camera loVes you. Oh, you tease, you. - Why are you taping Flanders, Dad? - You'll see.

This elevator only goes to the basement. And someone made an awful mess down there. Watch out! He's got his probe!

Hmm. Much quicker than usual. I guess we've learned that happiness is wherever you find it. And we've all found happiness, every one of us.

Well, this is a dog who gets "biz-zay." Consistently and thoroughly. - So he's proactive, huh? - Oh, God, yes. We're talking about a totally outrageous paradigm. Excuse me, but "proactive" and "paradigm"-- aren't these just buzzwords that dumb people use to sound important?

Hey, sometimes a guy just likes his skin to look its yellowest. Why, Laura. What a pleasant surprise. Cute. What do you guys want for dinner? I don't care. Ask Hef over there. Lady's choice.

Hostess Twinkies? I heard if you age them for 10 years, they turn to liquor. Kids, go ride bikes for a while, huh? Yeah, you heard your mother.

Legalized gambling is a bad idea. You can build a casino over my dead body. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. For you. It's the president. Y'ello? And then I said to the president-- Get this-- Marge? Marge?

On the spaceship Lollipop Gingerbread men like to do hip-hop And chocolate chips Huh?

Groovy, dude. Burn down the barbershops! I hate America! Lieutenant! Lieutenant Smash!

Now, take that kid away. No! You're not gonna take my baby to jail! (STRUGGLING) All right, boys. She's not letting go. Make the switch.

Nice try, Todd.

Stuck a feather in his cap and called it-- Rice-A-Roni Melvin!

Manjula, we've got a special guest for you. Is it my husband's whore? Even better. This is goin' great!

Wait. No, I don't. Hmm. A Ford urinating on a Chevrolet. - Don't you usually laugh at everything? - Yes. Yes, I do.

That is just grotesque.

We're broadcasting live from P.J. O'H.'s, and this place makes Animal House look like Terms of Endearment. We're kicking off our 35th consecutive happy hour with no end in sight. So come on down. Yeah, that sounds like a swingin' shindig. Yeah, too bad we gotta work, huh, Homer? Homer? Whoo-hoo! Let's party!

Well, I like T-shirts with a nice joke like, "Support our troops." Bart's shirt is a classic, Marge. Just like "Keep on truckin'." As if I would ever want to stop truckin'. Whoa! (EXCITED CHATTER) KID 1: Check it out! KID 2: Whoa, look at that!

Hey, kids, it's time for Itchy and Scratchy ! They fight, they bite They bite and fight and bite Fight, fight, fight Bite, bite, bite the Itchy and Scratchy Show

Four minutes. And so one town's brief flirtation with prohibition... ended in a joyous remarriage to Lady Liquor.

Maybe. But maybe we don't want to be Stonecutters no more. This is much better than the old Stonecutter hall. Silence. I now call to order the first meeting... of the Ancient Mystic Society of...

Huh? Smithers, there's a rocket in my pocket. You don't have to tell me, sir. Turn off the chair. Turn off the chair.

Hiya, gang. Intruder alert. Intruder alert. Stop the humanoid.

There we go. That's the last I'll see of Mr. Trampoline. Yep, it's finally gone. D'oh!

- Digging for anything in particular? - Nuh-uh. So, I guess you wouldn't mind... if I was to dig a hole of my own? - Go for it. - Maybe I will. What's stopping you? Very little. I'm having chest pains!

But I won't feel guilty until I can put a human face on this. Mom! Dad! Someone stole my Malibu Stacy collection! Marge, doesn't Lisa have a human face? Yes, and she's crying. That's it!

That's what they said about this Billy Beer, smarty-pants. We elected the wrong Carter.

At last the world is safe, - eh, Fallout Boy? - What's for lunch tomorrow? Next. Chicken necks? We're never going to find-- Wait a minute. That child has the exact qualities we're looking for! He's perfect! What is his name? I don't know. He just came along with one of the others. He didn't sign up officially. Oh, forget him then.

Wait a minute. You got married in an emergency room? Well, Homer ate the entire wedding cake by himself... before the wedding. Read the back! The back! Arr. 'Tis some kind of treasure map. - You idiot, you can't read. - Aye, 'tis true.

Come on. You gotta believe me. You're my soul mate. Don't soul mate me! Okay. That coyote said my soul mate would understand me. But Marge doesn't understand me at all. Maybe we're not kindred spirits.

Anyhoo, now that I'm your king again--

Hey! Hey, somebody just scored. Coming in a minute. Hey, it's the beer copter!

This may not be the top, but it's as close as a Simpson's ever gonna get. This is for you, Son.

On the way we can do that $2,000 man thing. You be Carl Reiner, and I'll be Police Chief Wiggum. Listen. Why don't you play Carl Reiner and let me play Police Chief Wiggum? I hate Carl Reiner!

Uh, Mom, I'm kind of trying to go for a different look this year. Oh, okay. Ooh! How about this adorable sunsuit? It has a starfish on the fanny, and it comes with its own pail.

Oh, fine. You just lost your cut. I'll just take that. Everyone, turn around and look at this. What is it? A Unitarian?

Well, I expect that type of language at Denny's, but not here! Aw, come on, folks, wait. Please come back. Please! I got a new offer. Whenever Uncle Moe threatens you, you get a free steak-fish.

Hey, open my present. Open my present. ts Uncle Moe’s Play Tavern with classic drunk Barney.

Okay, the oven is cleaning itself, the auto-vac's on dirt patrol-- and Maggie's enjoying her Swing-A-Majig.

I know, honey. But what can I do as an individual? I wouldn't know where to begin. just burn that plant right now and end this madness! I wish I could make a difference, Lisa. But I'm just one man! I agree. But how?

filling my mind with paranoid thoughts.

You spent $5,200 on beer?! $5,200? What are you talking about? What? I sold it all for 25 bucks! - Oww! - Come on, everybody. It makes you feel better.

Krusty? Dr. Hibbert, who was that man? Now, Bart, telling you... would violate the patient-doctor privilege, just as if I were to tell you that jasper here has five seconds to live. What'd he say? He said I'm next.

Here is an ordinary square. Whoa! Whoa! Slow down, egghead. But suppose we extend the square beyond the two dimensions of our universe... along the hypothetical "Z" axis there. This forms... a three-dimensional object known as a cube,

When you get to hell, tell 'em Itchy sent you.

Try me. It helps to talk. Well, I was just wishing I could meet a man who likes the way I look first thing in the morning - Laughs at my jokes... Uh-huh.

at the National Grammar Rodeo... at the Sheraton Hotel in Canada. I've been selected to represent the school...

Can I offer you a diet caffeine-free Dr. Pepper... or an individual fruit cocktail cup? Uh, I'll pass. Hey, what's this? Oh, that's my old unit from Vietnam. I was their sergeant. They were my loyal troops. That photo was taken shortly before I was shot in the back, which was very strange because it was during a Bob Hope show.

Come on, Homer ! Get the lead out ! Ow-ohh, jeez !

Yea! Ho, ho, ho! Merry everyone!

ts not a time machine, Moe.

This place is depressing. Hey, I live here ! Oh, well. I'm sure it's a blast once you get used to it. Let's go.

Tappa-tappa-tappa, tappa-tappa-tappa. Oh. Whoa! Ow!

What are you kids lookin' at? Hey, look. He's tryin' to get up to yell at us. Don't make me close that shade!

Now for a little calming blue. Hey, where's your blue shirt? I don't have a blue shirt. Yow! What the--

Designated Drivers: The Lifesaving Nerds...

Why are you people avoiding me? Does my withered face remind you of the grim specter of death? Yes, but there's more. Dad, I love you.

Say your prayers, you heathen baboons!

No, I can't kill you either. Look at you-- standing there on your hind legs... like a couple of Rory Calhouns. Well, Mr. Burns, I hope you've realized the folly of killing innocent animals for fashion.

Hey, the new sign's really working. It's been a madhouse, Lisa. Let's see... football... football... Homoeroticism in... Oddball Canadian Rules... Phyllis George in... Oh, doctor, what a finish!

There's a satellite hookup on that monitor. If you'll just turn your head slightly-- Bah! No time. Next! I have some sad news to report. A small puppy, not unlike Lassie, was just run over in the parking lot. Now it's time for the comedy stylings of Homer Simpson!

Now we just add color. In five minutes, it'll be on the World Wide Web. I can't wait that long. To pass the time, help yourself to some more stock.

Why is it we have ladders that can put a man on the roof, but we can't find a renewable source of food? Think, Connie. Think.

Well, there goes Christmas dinner. Oh, head of the line. A family could get used to being shunned, huh? Huh? Hey, look, Sean. It's that family everybody hates. Whatever.

Hey, want to go to the airport and leave a bag unattended? It is a good way to meet security personnel. Let's go! (BOTH GRUNTING INDISTINCTLY)

Uh-- He'll tell you that in nature one creature invariably eats another to survive. Don't kid yourself, jimmy. If a cow ever got the chance, he'd eat you and everyone you care about.

Thirsting for a way to name the unnameable, to express the inexpressible.

Back then you couldn't say "pants" on TV. I was banned for 10 years. Finally I got a second chance on Laugh-In. Hey, Krusty. What do you get when you cross a chicken with a bagel? The ferkachted doors are stuck!

We have a very simple method. Whoever has that stamp on his hand is insane. Put him in with the big white guy who thinks he's the little black guy.

Oh, Woodrow, how could you stand me up? Mrs. K., you don't need him. There are plenty of good men around. Name one. What's wrong with Principal Skinner?

It won't start. Something's draining the battery. Sorry.

Your job will be to manage and motivate 'em. Give 'em the benefit of your years of experience. Don't worry. That won't take long.

Hey, Homer! Great call on that chicken place. And on that rib place! I never knew everything was so good!

Is this the Dairy Queen? But, Zelda, if you're looking for something with a big backseat... and a lot of gas, I'm your man. Oh! You've never heard Garrison Keillor...

(MUTTERING) Oh, I get it. You can't tip me, because your hands are tied. My dad pulls that scam all the time. Don't move, teenage Bart. I've got you covered with my phaser/cell phone. (CHIMING)

Lisa! No! Uhh! Ohh!

Lisa, let's go! Here-- Hmm. Somebody's traveling light. Nah. Maybe you're getting stronger. Well, I have been eating more.

Lenny and Carl? You guys are Buddhists? Oh, yeah. If I didn't have inner peace, I'd completely go psycho on all you guys all the time. Well, I'm looking for a new faith, one that isn't so materialistic. Well, you've come to the right place.

Ach! My face! What drunken call girl will have me now? Oh! (RENAISSANCE MUSIC PLAYING) Now, peasants,

Skateboards? You copycat wannabes. Ow! Eat my shorts, young man. Good afternoon and welcome to the Do What You Feel Festival. By the way, this young lady is not my wife, but I am sleeping with her. I'm telling you this because I'm comfortable with my womanizing. Yea! Arr!

Yeah, you hags are all right. What did you get? A candied apple. I got a caramel cod.

David Letterman!

Aww, would you look at that? The "Pin Pals." At last, I finally have a garment fine enough to be married in. I've always been wealthy, but this is the first time I ever felt... rich. Aww. Now, Homer, you were about to say something to me. You're off the team.

I have to practice for band auditions. Me too. Hey, what instrument to you play? The sax. Me too. - I'm going for first chair this year. - Me too. Wow! With so much in common, I'm sure we'll be the best of friends. Me too. Me too.

Oh. Bart, over here! Come on! Bart, come on! Just throw it, doofus! Ah, crap.

Well, sir, where shall we dump this batch? The playground? No. All those bald children are arousing suspicion. To the park!

It's a tribute to the trailblazing women who made our country great. See ? There's Georgia O'Keeffe, Susan B. Anthony. And this is Marjorie Stoneman Douglas. I'm sure you haven't heard of her, but she worked her whole life to preserve the Florida Everglades. As one of the Simpson women, would you like to contribute something to it ?

And, now, ladies and gentlemen, let's get ready to rumble!

(TIRES SCREECHING) D'oh! (EXCLAIMING) (TIRES SCREECHING)

Why must you fight with every utility? I told you. I have too much time on my hands. Homer! We were cleaning out a cooling duct at the plant...

but I do a pretty fair Columbo impression.

Anyone who needs this kind of status symbol... must have some terrible emotional problems. Marge, look! "The world's best jacket."

Yes! My precious CarToons! "Who pumped Ethyl?"

Remember, Smithers, in and out in 18 seconds. - Uh! - Mm! More cocoa, Mr. Burns? Yes.

I can't eat because my conscience is heavy. Boys, enough of your shenanigans. It's bedtime. BOTH: Mmm! Ned, let me give you a little something for babysitting. I can't take money from a neighbor. Although business at the Leftorium's been pretty slow since that big chain store came to town.

- Hola. - Fernando, it's M.B. Ah, Marion Barry. Is it time for another shipment already? Oi! This is Montgomery Burns! Oh, caramba. I'm sending you a photo over the Faxtrola. I need you to fly to Springfield and assassinate this man posthaste.

Aren't you forgetting something ? Uh-- Monster Truck Rally, growth thing. No, I don't think so. Lisa's recital is Saturday night. I'll be playing my first solo.

Oh, dear. If we can't find a baby-sitter, we can't go. What a kick in the teeth. What do you need a baby-sitter for ? I'm almost ten and a half.

Okay. Now, what am I bid? Hey! Now I got zero. I got zero. I got no bid here. I got zero. I'm standin' at zero. Anybody wanna go higher than zero? I got zero right now. Okay, over there? No. Zero. I got nada. I got zilch. I got bubkes. I got zero. Nothin'. Hey! Poor Barney.

Maybe a little gift will change your mind. Send in Sugarbell. She's very pretty. But the answer is still no. Honeysuckle, Dewdrop. (MUSIC BOX CHIMING)

I feel like I've gone back in a time machine. Dad, they have those everywhere. What an age we live in.

Now, whose calculator can tell me what seven times eight is? Oh! Oh! Oh! Low battery? Whatever. Attention, children.

I'm gonna take that bartending course-- including today's lighter drinks. V.I.P.? That's us!

Dad, that information is all wrong! Maggie's a baby, not my best friend. You dont know anything about me. Maggie, you’re her best friend. Go talk to her.

I'm Artie Ziff, Marge's date for the prom.

Oh. I must admit. You really do make a gal feel needed. Wait till my class hears about this. Kidding! Oh, it's great to be indoors with my family.

Well, not at this time, Your Honor. This is the only time. Uh, well, uh, then no. Mr. Foreman, have you reached a verdict? Verdict? Is that what we were supposed to do? Well, in all my years on the bench--

"The only way to survive a deadly blaze is--" Oh, heck! Life's too short for fire safety. Let's go outside and pick wildflowers.

Oh, dear. I see no signs of life. - just to be safe, we better pull the plug. - Yoink! Mr. Burns, how can you be so coldhearted? You have no idea, woman, what that man's put me through.

Hello, St. Louis! That's Springfield, Steven. Oh, yeah. Right. Are you ready to rock? Yeah! I said, are you ready to rock!

Well, Seymour, I made it-- despite your directions. Ah. Superintendent Chalmers. Welcome.

Balki, you 're dancing in the toiietl [Audience Laughing f - What? You never heard of "Flush Dance IP - [Audience Laughing f Perfect Strangers Wiii return after these commercials. f Wheels Squeaking f

Yea, Bart! Yea! Look at me! I'm the prime minister of Ireland! Hey, Homer, ain't that your kid on TV?

Doh ! What's the matter ? You didn't mean that !

"Chapter eight: let's Talk Zombies. "If a zombie bites you, you become a zombie. You must walk the earth, feeding on the brains of the living until the spell is broken."

Sweetie, it's nice that you want to take charge around the house, but don't be a hero. just make sure your father eats all his meals over a tarp. But not the good tarp. I want you to get married on that someday. Oh, Mom. I've seen what you do around the house, and I can handle it. Maybe I can even make things more efficient.

They think they're so cruel and corrupt, but they're not. Okay, boys, here's a loony law from 1911. "Five kicks of the same can "shall be considered illegally transporting litter." (GRUNTS)

Did you talk about me in therapy today? I don't think so. Tell me the truth! Don't tell her I raised my voice. Don't. Happy family. Happy family.

Will that make you happy? That sounds fine. See, you knock TV, and then it helps you out. I think you owe somebody a little apology. Well, if it isn't The Leftorium.

Oh, uh, sorry to disturb you, Dr. Hibbert. Not at all, officer. Oh, what a beautiful night. Fireflies, full moon-- And here we are, locked inside. Kids, the carnival's in town for one night only!

Not so fast, boyo. Hell, if it was up to me, I'd let you go. But the lads have a temper, and they've been drinkin' all day! Ow! Ow! Ow! Stop pummeling me! It's really painful!

Who wants to be the first to enter God's good graces?

Today’s Tuesday, and youve had six beers. But I'm not drunk. ii The killer is out there. I would stake my entire fortune of cigarettes on it. Now, Bob, I know you’re concerned, but dont worry.

Those leaves are poison oak. And your belt is a snake, also poisonous. I'll tell you what's poisonous, your attitude. You know these... (GROANING) I'm dying! But at least people will always remember the expedition of Lewis and Clark and Tweedleburger...

Shoplifting began here in ancient Phoenicia. Thieves would literally lift the corner of a shop... in order to snatch the sweet, sweet olives within. Oh, Sheheqazaramesh, will you ever learn? Flash forward to ancient Babylonia. All right, show's over.

He's getting away. You blew it, Marge. I don't think so. Oh! Foiled by my own shoddy merchandise! That's my ambulance. I called for it four hours ago. Marge, how did you know? That the pants would rip? No. What I was wondering-- Years of buying pants for two active children and a full-seated husband... has given me a sixth sense for shoddy stitching,

Ohh. A soiled wig. Merry Christmas and a happy New Year.

Lady, this better be good. This is Arnie Pie with Arnie in the Sky.

Mom! Huh? What? Lisa, what's up? I just had a bad dream. Oh, sure. You just lie down and tell me all about it. Well, I know it's absurd, but I dreamed the bogeyman was after me, and he's hiding-- Bogeyman! You nail the windows shut. I'll get the gun.

Sorry, the position has been filled. Oh, dear. Marge, you're making a big mistake. I'm gonna see you all day at work and all night at home-- And that's good! But here's the bad part. Uh-- Uh--

Mm-mmm. Mm-mmm. Hey, you seem like a great guy, so I'll give you a little tip. If you turn that security camera around, you can sleep and no one will ever know. I don't think we're being paid to sleep. Oh, yeah. They're always trying to screw you.

Oh! Good night, Mrs. Bouvier, wherever you are.

That was my insulin! Uh-oh, SpaghettiOs! Simpson! Hey, Homer. That character is you all over. Come on, Homer. Act all stupid, like you do on TV.

What? What's that? Hi, Mom. Hi, Dad. Home already? Boy, time really flies when you're reading-- The Bible? Ew.

Oh, well. Ooh, hello, young lady. Is your grandmother home ? Oh, Abe. I can tell I'd better keep my good eye on you. Damn straight.

Oh, why not? If we don't take their money, they'll just give it to some televangelist. Let's dust a few fossils. Now this scam was in The Sting, Part Two, so nobody knows about it. Now as I recall, Jackie Gleason-- Which one of you youngsters is Abe Simpson?

Hey, stop that! You'll never silence me! I'm the last angry man, Patterson-- a crusader for the little guy! Leave the bird alone! Never! Look, Simpson. I've been elected... by the voters of this city 16 years in a row, so they must think I'm doing a damn good job. You want to know what I think?

(BOTH GROANING) Well, look at those filthy urchins. Surely they could never be taught proper manners. One gold sovereign says I could do just that. (CHUCKLING) It's a bet, Lord Daftwager! You can't bet on my kids! This is America, pal!

Come on, Chalmie. You fired Skinner for less than this. Yeah, I did, but Skinner really bugged me. Besides, the way America's public schools are sliding, they'll all be this way in a few months. I say lay back and enjoy it. It's a hell of a toboggan ride.

Bart, put it down. Oh! No all-you-can-eat seafood. I wore my extra-loose pants for nothing. Nothing! Maybe Laura could watch us. Oh, I get it. "Bart, the babysitter's here."

Okay, let's begin.

I could not agree more. Never go on the teacup ride after eating at Beauty and the Beast's Fried Dough Chateau.

I got you that Danish. And I'll never forget it. Hey, kid. Wow! A big clown hankie. It's a towel, you yutz!

Let's just say the stories about him are greatly exaggerated. Howdy, gangstas. I am average American joe salary-man waiter. These prices suck. 10,000 yen for coleslaw? Don't you serve anything that's even remotely japanese? Don't ask me. I don't know anything.

Snot a problem, chief. Don't call me chief. - Sure thing, jerk. - Chief is fine. You're on the Morning Zoo with Bill and Marty! What's your Wednesday whine? MR. BURNS: Well, first of all, I agree with you two, it's sheer humbuggery that pretty girls can flirt their way out of speeding tickets. No support for the naughty hotties!

Now that we're all friends again, why don't we make a foursome ? That sounds great. Well, okay.

We'll get the Simpsons a present.

When do we want it? Soon! Where's my burrito? Where's my burrito?

Change what she says. It's your company. Not since I was forced out in 1974. They said my way of thinking just wasn't cost-effective. That's awful! Well, that, and...

"Follow... the--" This must be why I'm here. Follow the what? Follow the what? Hurry up. D'oh! Get moving, you stupid-- When I'm kicking you, that means hurry up.

Yo! Lise! Lise! Come back, Lise! Come back! Why? I'm so much happier here. And now, Principal Skinner will tell us... where we'll be going on this year's field trip. Thank you, Edna, everyone.

What's Santa's Little Helper doing to that dog?

And that was Tom and Huck's last adventure. I liked that story, 'cause I was a judge. Delaware! Well, this is our stop. Would you like to come sightseeing with us? We're gonna visit the place where JCPenney sends their damaged merchandise.

He's really not.

It hasn't been this crowded since the government cracked down on you for accepting food stamps. Think my drink had something to do with it? Who can say? It's probably a combination of things. Another pitcher of Flaming Moes. I hate this joint, but I love that drink.

Wait, kids. You can't give up on Itchy and Scratchy. You're always so good at these things. Why, together you've reunited Krusty with his father, gotten Principal Skinner his job back... and helped Dr. Riviera perform open heart surgery on your father. You've even foiled Sideshow Bob on five separate occasions, and he's an evil genius.

Dogs are idiots. Think about it, Smithers. If I came into your house and started sniffing at your crotch... and slobbering all over your face, what would you say? Mmm. If you did it, sir? I'll, uh, print you out a copy. Thanks. Hello. Smithers. You're. Quite. Good. At. Turning. Me. On.

Maybe you just dreamed it. Oh, yeah? When I came to, I was covered with a sticky translucent goo. Explain that. More sausage? Dad, according to junior Skeptic Magazine, the chances are a 175 million-to-one...

That's not what I meant. It was, Marge. Admit it. Hi. Uh, we should get to class. What's the hurry? We could get in trouble for being late. Aw, you worry too much. Now, come on. If you stay here a while, I'll let you hold my hand.

What happened? w'w' w' Good, good, good] w' Good vibrations w'w' Thanks a lot, surviving Beach Boys. Okay. Jupiter should be somewhere around here. Mmm- Hey.

What's the point, Bart?

Ah, this split you sold me is makin' me choke. Lenny! What? I paid 7.10 for this split. Will you at least call it a "banana split," you dumb wad? Hey, spare me your gutter mouth! Ow. Ow!

Oh, yeah! Door's open, boys.

Oh, that would be perfect. Dear God! Not again! Bart, I'm gonna help you build that racer. Thanks, but I'm almost done. - Get back on the couch and watch TV. - Okay. No! I'm gonna do it. Sorry, Dad, but three-time soap box derby champion Ronnie Beck...

Shh! English - US - Line 21

So sticky. Marge? I'm back here. Ah, the old folks. It happens every heat wave.

Oh, I bet he's the one. Yeah, Smingers did it. Case closed. Now, where's my hat? I'm going to the outhouse. We don't have an outhouse. My toolshed! Oh, Dad! Oh! Could I have shot Mr. Burns in a drunken rage?

Far out, man. I haven't seen a bong in years.

I'm so lazy I took lessons on a player piano. Wow! That's really lazy. Lazy, you're not kidding. Why, I'm like a rug on Valium. I'm talking lazy. So lazy.

just give me another chance, and I'll prove I can keep your secret. Okay. I like... Langdon Alger. I have no idea who that is. Nobody does. He's very quiet and enjoys puzzles.

Oh, I don't want to be a bother. Wouldn't bother us. It just turns up your morphine. Oh, so it does. Stop pushing that! Mr. Sakamoto is here for your acupressure.

Homer Simpson, because of your lack of faith, you've ruined mankind's chance for salvation. Whoops. Nice goin' there, Homer. Oh, my gosh. Maybe he was telling the truth about everything. Oh, mercy. He's the real deal!

Well, I just can't relate to the women of today, Homer. Ah, it's probably me. I'm about as exciting as a baked potato. You're darn right you are! And you've got lots of other great qualities too! That's right, Ned. Those floozies we married in Vegas were crazy about you. What floozies? What are you talking-- Marge! We're trying to help Ned!

(HOMER LAUGHING) Welcome to the jungle, Kevin!

Please accept this Operation Dumbo Drop souvenir jacket.

"you better burn a few other things. "You better burn your shirt and your pants. "Be sure to burn your TV and car. "Oh, yes, and don't forget to burn your house... "because none of those things could exist without six white stripes... seven red stripes and a hell of a lot of stars." Thank you very much.

Now I'm Michael Jackson. I own all your songs, losers. Hee, hee, hee! Here are some supervised activities we can all do together. "Future Veterans of Foreign Wars," "The 5-H Club." 5-H? They had to admit homosexuals.

I'm game if you are, Flanders. Good gravy, what have I done ? Keep your left arm straight, Bart. Rotate your shoulders.

Waylon. I'd like you to meet the Simpsons. I know the Simpsons. So this is your sick mother? Don't do this to me, Waylon. How'd it go? Tell me everything that happened. He didn't give you gay, did he? Did he?

You threw them out the window in a fit of passion. You said you were never going to need them again.

I'm going to make such love to you... that, oh, you'll forget all about Rudolph Valentino. Turn left here. No problem. Mmm. All right. You're dismissed. I'll take it from here. But, Mr. Burns, you're exhausted.

Uh, hi, everybody. Uh, hi.

Wait a minute ! If I hadn't written that nasty letter, we wouldn't have gotten anything. Well, hmm. Then I guess the moral is, "The squeaky wheel gets the grease." Perhaps there is no moral to this story. Exactly ! It's just a bunch of stuff that happened. But it certainly was a memorable few days.

Time to wizz in a foaming bowl of china (EXCLAIMS) A line for the bathroom? What gives?

We got new clothes from the donation bin. I'm a surfer!

Homer Simpson! Bingo. The gunman has a name-o. Chief! Chief! Hey, Chief Wiggum, what are you doing? What's going on? I'm sorry, kid. We got Simpson D.N.A. on Burns's clothing,

Two. Dont worry. Everything is fine. What the hell is that? Eight. Dad, it's just a bug. Two. ts not just a bug. ts the queen of something! Ten! Ten! Ten! Ten! Dont worry! I'll set fire to the hive! Twelve. Fifteen!

Bart broke all my books. You know what our homework is? Find a toy and bring it to class. Boy, that sounds fun. I know. But I'm still not gonna do it. Since Christmas is coming soon, I thought we could talk about our favorite toys. Milhouse, what have you got there? My busy box. It's got everything.

Leave me alone. just look ! Okay, okay. Lookin' for the spot. Still checking. Oh, this is so stupid. I'm not gonna find anything. just because I wrecked something she worked really hard on and I made her cr-- Uh-oh.

It's gaining on us! I'm pedaling backwards. Abandon ship!

- Let's get him! - Wait! Why are we gettin' him? Look, fellas. The first snapdragon of the season. Never mind! - Let's just get him! - Yeah! Uh!

Oh, Mom, I wanna be a dancer. That's wonderful, honey. We should ask your father, though. Where is he, anyway? Now, Homie, when we get to the liquor store, buy me some jack Daniels and a carton of smokes. Yes, dear.

house she's mighty mighty just lettin' it all hang out she's A brick Uh, I don't know, Homer. Women can smell panic, and, uh, right now, I gotta be reeking of it. Relax. All I smell is garlic and fish.

Turn around, Simpson. No! I can't get in trouble if I can't see you! I'm afraid he's got us, sir. Ah. Safe in the core. And now--

All right, here comes my name. Wow.

Ah, the new Packard we've been hearing so much about.

Yeah, Mom. Guess what. For a dollar, a man sold me 35 Caspers and a dozen Lois Lanes. Ooh. I never knew what Superman saw in her. Give me Wonder Woman. And that golden lariat. She could tie me up anytime.

But, Marge, this is a chance for me to fulfill my lifelong dream. What lifelong dream? Promise not to laugh? I always wanted to own the Dallas Cowboys.

Dad, stop! It's only assault. Don't make it murder! Ignore. Ignore. ANNOUNCER: You are a big man. Big man! (GASPS) What? There's a ladybug in your hair.

Mom, your hair! Don't worry. We've got two hours before it burns down to my head. Our top story tonight...

It seems the chief had gone to the bank to cash in his penny jar. ...48, 49, 50. What the-- ? Ooh! Good work, Chief. just doing my job. Yes, it seems the chief pulled a Homer Simpson of his own.

So? Did I mention she was dead? No. Well, she was. And she hit him in the head with a golf club. And? Don't you remember? He went golfing all the time, and it really bugged her. You said he went bowling. D'oh!

Let's rock Do the mental house rock Let's rock Do the mental house rock Whoa!

not as some yahoo from Green Bay.

Looks like your wife is embarking up the wrong tree.

Mom, Dad! Bart's dead! That's right! Dead serious about going to Itchy and Scratchy Land.

I'm Kent Brockman. On the 11:00 news tonight, a certain kind of soft drink has been found to be lethal. We won't tell you which one until after sports and the weather with Funny Sonny Storm. There's my name, right there-- Bart Simpson. Looks more like "Brad Storch."

(GASPS) Left below? Where have I heard that before? It's the title of the movie. (GASPS) It's everywhere! We were fools!

¡Ayayay! SeÑor Ding-Dong! I thought you were just a marketing gimmick. There was a time when that was true. But now I am so much more. Oh, my. Gracias, seÑor.

And what happens when a child grows up... with insanely violent role models like these ? The answer is all around you. How many of you were hit on the head with mallets last week ?

Dr. Zaius, Dr. Zaius Dr. Zaius, Dr. Zaius Dr. Zaius, Dr. Zaius Oh, Dr. Zaius Dr. Zaius, Dr. Zaius What's wrong with me I think you're crazy Want a second opinion You're also lazy

With a student! Yes! He's, uh-- He's purchasing refreshments in the lobby! I'll go get him right now. Car keys! Car keys! Car keys!

You may remember me from such films as... The Erotic Adventures of Hercules... and Dial "M" for Murderousness. Tonight we'll see Angela Lansbury walk on hot coals. Excitement, she wrote.

Can you see the lion anywhere? Well, do you see him or not? Are you saying he's right on the other side of that plant? Okay. Run!

Our game! Our home! What happened here? Cops took it. What? Why didn't you bribe 'em? I was trying to, but the opportunity never came up. Oh, good Lord. Our whole life was in that trailer. What are we gonna do now?

All right, perps. We know you're in here somewhere.

You're up to something aren't you? No!

Yes, if you can answer me these questions three. Question the first-- Never mind. Sycamore Avenue. Little newark. Little newark. Crackton. Crackton is the stop.

Bye, book. All right, McBain ! You know, kids, it's getting pretty late. Yeah, you should go to bed, Grampa. We've had a big day. Oh, you wise guy. You little smart aleck. It's no use kidding myself. I'm having an ethical crisis. Out at 5:00, catch General Sherman at 5:30, clean him at 6:00,

No, Maggie ! Stay in the shallow end !

Oh! This is why I can't have nice things! Every time I design a robot, somebody comes along and--

When will you humans learn... that your "feelings," as you call them, can stand in the way of big cash payoffs?

One senior citizen and one chief justice of the Supreme Court. Eh, eh, eh. I'll get it, son. That'll be $650. D'oh. One Soylent Green, hold the butter. Mmm. Soylent Green.

and my gold house and my rocket car, - I don't need anything else. - Yes, but-- Not interested. Dad, can we have $183,000? What for? Lisa and I want to finance a series of animated cartoons. Oh. Uh-- Forget it!

In death, you saved us all. i'm not dead. I can still hear his voice on the wind.

Oh! This is the worst Fourth of july ever. I hate America. Come on, Milhouse. Let's go down there. I don't think you should. Let Lisa be alone with her new friends. They're my friends rightfully. She only got them by copying me. Don't have a cow, man!

Oh, it's morning! I gotta get back.

Buh. Snuh. We don't think you're slow, but on the other hand, it's not like you go to museums or read books or anything. You think I don't want to? It's those TV networks, Marge. They won't let me--

Krusty the Clown, I thought he was dead. Yeah. I guess you ain't been to too many supermarket openings lately. (GROANS) You know, Chloe, some of us stayed in this town and made it a better place. Oh, come on, Marge. The only reason we don't move out of this dunghill is because of my court-ordered ankle bracelet.

Mom! Dad! My goodness! What's wrong? We both had nightmares. Can we sleep with you? You both toilet trained? Yes! Okay, then. 4:00?

Good question! We'll check into that. Okay. X-ray machine to full power, and... action!

That's a pretty big caboose for a baby. Homer, don't be-- Wow, that is huge. Ooh! Pretty colors. Me want a drink. Oh!

I poached some fish for your trip, Mr. Tamzarian. They're full of tiny bones, so I want you to be careful. I will, Moth-- uh, Mrs. Skinner. Well, I'd better be going.

He's just standing his ground! He knows that deep down, all bullies are cowards! We're undone! (ALL EXCLAIMING IN FEAR) I know what you're hiding, lad. Willie's been deaf since the boiler explosion of '88. But I taught myself to read lips. Morning, Willie! What did you say about me mother?

That does it. One of them has to go. Okay. Grandpa. No, the B-U-M. Oh. Wait. There's an easy way to get rid of Chester...

Thank you! Hey, kids, lots of candy left for breakfast.

Oh, yuck. Meat loaf. My most hated of all loafs. That was the end piece!

Damn this casino!

Guess I can't complain. Everything's perfect here.

Oh, yeah? What do you know about it? Hmm? It's you! You're him! You're Tony Randall! Red Barclay's my name. I'm a trucker.

Ah, my lucky red hat. Clean as a whistle. You did this to me! I... apologize. No one will notice if you wear a pink shirt to work.

Lisa's gone berserk. Do something, Homer. Do something! Oh. Thanks, Dad. I didn't think. I... just acted. Self-tapping shoes? I'm ever so pissed.

Now, Mrs. Simpson, just lie back and relax. Mr. Sakamoto wants you to be comfortable while he does his thing.

That's okay. I think I'll go somewhere friendlier, like beautiful downtown Grozny. Zoom!

Whoa! Looks like we got a teeny Houdini here. Well, don't you worry, darlin'. I got some baby cuffs in the station. Look. This is our chance. Let's go!

Now I'm going to burn this doughnut to show you how many calories it has. No! The bright blue flame indicates this was a particularly sweet doughnut. This is not happening. This is not happening!

Ow! My nose! Well, I've seen about enough.

I'm afraid I'm gonna have to ask the whole family to kind of freeze... and prepare for re-Neducation. Don't you remember, Dad? Flanders is the unquestioned lord and master of the world. D'oh!

What? Look out! Soup! Soup! Ruh-oh! That's why you young athletes are so promising. Now, who'd like to buy a trophy?

What? Did I miss something? Oh, God! Oh, Homer, no! This is outrageous. You can't do that. No! You really are stupid.

Marge. Oh, Marge. I've got something for you. Oh, Homie. Houston, we have a problem. A sexy problem. Homie. Well, look at you. I'm gonna maul you.

No ! No ! Simpsons ! - Son of a-- - Stop ! - Dr. Monroe, your other patients have fled the building. - Stop ! You're damaging the equipment. Nice hair, Mom.

Whoever did this is in very deep trouble. And a sloppy speller too. The preferred spelling of "Wiener" is w-i-e-n-e-r, although "e-i" is an acceptable ethnic variant. Good point. Boys, let's see your hands. Mm-hmm.

to see that our friend Bob is set free. Nooooo!

Thanks, kid. Marge, what are you doing? Ruth, I've done a lot of thinking, and I really consider you a friend.

There. The perfect sheepshank. Very nice, Simpson. But next time, tie the other end to the ship! No!

Jet... Lag? Are you enjoying your ox testicle? Oh, yes. Very much so. Really? You sure you wouldn't rather have a coconut? They're delicious. No, I'm good.

So. Impersonate my mother, will you? And you, Smithers, you must have put him up to it. I'm glad I fired you. You really blew it this time, Smithers.

I can't stand it any longer. This whole plant is insane. Insane, I tell you!

Come to Homercles! I can't. The beans will burn.

I'm never gonna find that tree. This whole raid was as useless as that yellow, lemon-shaped rock over there. Wait a minute. There's a lemon behind that rock! The tree!

"Tip one: Live each day like it was your last." I dont want to die! I'm so young! "Tip two: Let nothing stand in your way."

That is the most pungent thing I have ever smelled... and I am from India! All right, all right. But speak ofthis to no one. Dont worry. That sign is just a ruse, like all high voltage signs. Hmm.

(CACKLING) Not so fast, old-time liberal. Get him! (CROWD MUTTERING) Pie Man, no! It's a trap! No trap can hold Homer Simpson... But I'm not Homer Simpson! I'm the Pie Man! Homer Simpson away! I mean, the Pie Man!

I'm sorry, Mr. Blackbeard. We're low on chairs, and this is the last one.

Water, eh? Burly to the rescue! Oh, that is so cool. Hey! What's that over there?

so they must think I'm doing a damn good job. You want to know what I think? No. Nobody wants to hear the nonsensical ravings of a loudmouthed malcontent. Well, we'll see about that! Hey! - No cuts. - Hey! I want to register to run for sanitation commissioner.

That Sheila-- She's given you problems before, hasn't she? Oh, yeah. Yeah. I don't care who she's sleeping with. That's been my space since 1981. Looking for this?

Lisa, where's Christmas? Bart, what were you doing outside? I don't know how to tell you this, but...

unless you wear sunscreen or are very, very hairy. Experts recommend a class nine, or Robin Williams level of hair coverage. Help! Somebody! Let me in, for the love of--

Good rice, good curry, good Gandhi, let's hurry.

This is a proud day. Now, when people ask if we're in compliance with the Americans with Disabilities Act of 1975, I can say, "We are closer than ever before!"

How's your father's project coming along? I think he's almost done. Yeah, he's done.

Argh. We'll dig up the treasure in seven yar. I've drawn a map on this cracker... which Polly will hold for safekeepin'.

Thanks for taking the job. I'm sorry my husband is being so difficult. Get lost, crook.

Don't delay. Eternal happiness is just a dollar away.

Gah! Save me from the wee turtles! They were too quick for me! ahh! I can't believe it, Bart. I'd always thought jessica was so sweet. She's like a Milk Dud, Lise: Sweet on the outside, poison on the inside. You gotta give her up. No, no, wait. Hear my plan.

I didn't think. I... just acted. Self-tapping shoes?

But in 1990, he framed Krusty for armed robbery, and Bart got him put in jail. - Uh-huh. - When he got out, he married Aunt Selma... and tried to murder her. Oh, Side show Bob! Bart, your mortal enemy is on the radio! It's time for more deeee-mentia with Dr. Demento!

That sounded like an explosion at the old Simpson place. Forget it. That's two blocks away. Looks like there's beer coming out of the chimney. I am proceeding on foot. Call in a code eight. We need pretzels. Repeat-- pretzels.

Well, uh, beans were a staple of the Israelites. Yes, proceed. Beans, beans, the musical fruit. The more you eat, the more you toot.

There's gum in my hair! Mom! Someone threw gum in my hair! Are you sure? Maybe it's just shampoo. That washes right out.

- It's called "To a Husband." - Okay, okay. "The blackened clouds are forming--" Oh, give me a break, Marge. "Soon the rain will fall.

Moe, this is L.S. calling for H.S. just bet, Lisa.

Whoa! Leave those deer alone! But they were trying to eat me. Those deer? But they-- Come on. I'll drop you off at the lodge.

Good God! He is fabulous. Mmm. He's "embiggened" that role with his "cromulent" performance. Top-notch "criering," I admit, but the hat and bell belong to Flanders. So no dice. Oh, they're just family heirlooms. That shouldn't stand in the way of Homer taking my job and-- Less chat, more hat.

As if I would ever want to stop truckin'. Whoa! (EXCITED CHATTER) KID 1: Check it out! KID 2: Whoa, look at that! Ahh... I wish I had that shirt. It's clever, funny, and would cover my boy boobs nicely. I'm too sexy for my shirt Too sexy for my shirt

Oh, it's no fair. We'll never have a buffer. We have one at home. You never use it. Well, I want that one. And the winner of the blimp ride is... Homer Simpson!

Book 'em, Lou. One count of being a bear. And one count of being an accessory to being a bear.

Where are we going? Where are we going? Okay, okay. Don't panic. To find Flanders, I just have to think like Flanders. I'm a big, four-eyed lame-o, and I wear the same stupid sweater every day, and-- The Springfield River!

Hey, you nearly hit me on the head! Quit crowding the plate! Oh, you want a piece of me? j People, iet me teii you 'bout my best friend w'

Well, I have been eating more.

It encourages punching, boastfulness, and rudeness to hos! Step off, Mom. Rap is the poetry of the streets. Well, you are not going to any concert that promulgates stink talk. But Dad already said I could go. Oh, did he?

Go get all your money-- I buy one lottery ticket a week with the girls at the hair salon. That's enough excitement for me. The lottery is the one ray of hope in my otherwise unbearable life! Uh, the lottery and you.

Has anyone seen Homer? Marge, better you hear it from me than some gossipy neighbor. Homer made a total jackass of himself. Oh, Helen, that's enough. Call off your dogs. But someone had to tell her. And I got here first. Helen, zip it. Oh-- Oh, please. Zip. Ziparoo. Tim.

Oh, yeah, right. I don't know what this switch does.

MONA: Still my little crybaby. I'll save you, Dad! Karate! Grandma! Oh, Bart. Are you still a little hell-raiser? Yes'm. Mom, you're back!

(HOMER WAILING) (TIRES SCREECHING) (HONKING)

Absolutely. Who could forget such a monstrous visage? She has the sloping brow and cranial bumpage of the career criminal. Uh, sir, phrenology was dismissed as quackery 160 years ago. Of course you'd say that. You have the brainpan of a stagecoach tilter. At any rate, the F.B.I. will track down this mystery woman... and put her behind bars.

B-3. You sunk my battleship. G-52. You sunk my battleship.

Watch out, Beatles. Now, l have one more important announcement to share with you. Would Lisa Simpson join me on stage? Huh?

That was close. I wonder where Goldilocks was. Oh! That bed was just right!

Wow! Spanning two decades. How'd you find us? Uh, they tapped your tree house phone. Milhouse. Listen, you can't quit this movie. I've seen your work. It's good. Very, very good. Van johnson good. I know I'm good.

Hey, I know you.

Oh, that's it. You're through, Dean. Now who's the dean?

'Scuse me. Pardon me. 'Scuse me. Hmm. Hey.

It's Suds McDuff! With a shuttle craft of genuine draft! Whoo-ha! Ooh! A party. Duff. The official beer of NASA-- National Association of the Sellers of Alcohol. Yay!

I am waiting for a-- Whoa! Ooh! Aah! I didn't do it.

Yeah. ' ' He bit mel You saw him! He bit mel You little-

Here comes that vomit again. Eww.

I swear, Monty. You are the devil himself. I-- Who told you? Oh, yes, yes, well. I'd say you were an angel, but...

Excuse me, uh, Mr. Scalper, sir. Have I told you that I love you? Forget it. You'll just hurt me like all the others. Okay, Moe, I believe you had me by the throat. Reverend Lovejoy was working the body. Wait. Dad, look! Hello. Gentlemen, I have an idea.

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

It's okay. I invited him over. Nelson's my new... friend. Are you nuts? I'll probably never say this to you again, but you can do better. Please don't ruin this for me, Bart. I think he's starting to like me. - Milhouse likes you. - Oh, please! - Milhouse likes Vaseline on toast. - Hmm.

No, this is true. The Coast Guard arrested Boy George... for scraping the barnacles off his dinghy. Hi-yo! Hi-yo!

Oh, wait a second. I do something really funny here.

Here's your lemonade, and here's your beer.

And that Lisa Simpson is guilty!

Deploy, damn you! Deploy!

Lisa, never, ever stop in the middle of a hoedown. Oh, honey, I didn't realize how much that horn meant to you. Don't worry. Daddy's gonna get it back. I don't know how, but I'll figure out something.

If you wanna be my lover

Hello, Lisa. Lisa, time for your feed-- Who's cuter now? She started it.

Good morning, son. Oh, by the way, today's the day of the big tournament. And you'd better win ! Dad ! See you downstairs, boy. That crazy Marmaduke.

Yes! Come on, you little horse!

Well, I know one thing in this world that's still pure and good.

Flandereses! (CRYING OUT IN PAIN)

This guy doesn't make me want to cheer. Gee, I really pity him, making a fool of himself in front of so many people. These cornball antics may play in the sticks, but this is Capital City.

Youra Snotball? What? How dare you! If I find out who this is, I'll staple a flag to your butt and mail you to Iran! Okay. Your turn. Hmm. Truth. Uh, do you have a crush on anyone? Dad! I-- I won't tell anybody.

And best of all, it's made from 100% recycled animals. I think I'm gonna be sick. Oh, a spoonful of slurry will cure what ails ya. Oh! You haven't changed at all!

Famous, successful people from out of state! They live in fancy houses in other places. "Families Come First" is supported by life-long Springfieldians you know and trust. Like me, Milhouse's dad, Bumblebee Man, Surly Duff,

While you talk, I'm just gonna help myself to some licorice rope. As much as I enjoy your company-- and I truly do-- I must insist that from this point forward we not en-- Oh, my goodness, what are you doing? Mmm. Oh! Um, mahat-a-ma-- hat-a-ma-- hat-a-ma-- hat-a-ma-- hat-a-ma-- hat-a-ma-- hat-a-ma.

I'm not saying that. I mean it. You got color in there. - You're not Roman, are you ? - No ! Look like a god, sort of. Why don't we step into the credit office, Zeus ? Hey, your dad's gonna just go in here, work it out and you'll, you'll drive home in this ! I'm not gonna quote you a price till I check your credit rating.

Hello, Simpson. My lawyers and I were in the neighborhood and thought we'd stop by.

Bart did it! That Bart right there! Milhouse!

I think I'm gonna be sick.

Oh! Oh. Consider it done.

I can't believe my mom would cheat. Hi, sweetie. Is Mom winning? Oh, she'll win the contest, but she'll lose her soul. But she'll still win the contest? And lose her soul. But win the contest? Yes.

Somehow, Homer became addicted to painkillers. it was the only way he could perform... the bone-cracking physical comedy... Ow! My leg! that made him a star. This is the worst pain ever! - Ow! - Stop pummeling me! It's really painful! Why did I take such punishment? Let's just say that fame was like a drug.

Now, honey, poachers are nature's way of keeping the balance. Whenever there are so many species that people get confused and angry, a poacher is born. I don't care. I hate them. Let's get out of here!

Forget it, Marge. It's Chinatown!

She says you're a bad influence. Bad influence, my butt! Never listen to your mother.

You're still in your seat. Well, it's not like I never saw a dog before. That doesn't sound like me. Could it be the drug kicking in? I am feeling an urge to straighten up and fly right. Come on, people. This poetry isn't gonna appreciate itself.

I want a place in this car to put my drink ! Sir, the car has a beverage holder. Hello ! Hello, Einstein ! I said a place to put my drink. You know those Super Slakers they sell in the Quik-E-Mart ? The cup is this big ! Extremely large beverage holder. I'm not done yet. You know that little ball you put on the aerial so you can find your car ?

only hours ahead of the Three Stooges. I guess he won the argument, but I walked away with the turnips. The following morning, I resigned my commission in the Coast Guard. The next thing I heard, there was civil war in Spain. And... that's everything that happened in my life, right up to the time I got this phone call.

Maggie, look. What's that ? Lemur. "Lee-mur." Zebu. "Zee-boo."

Why, Sue Dokes, you rascal. I thought you were dead and-- Dad, we did something very bad! Did you wreck the car? No. Did you raise the dead? Yes! But the car's okay? Uh-huh. All right, then.

I know we love each other, Dad, but we're two very different people. And much as I hate to say it, as time goes on,

Hey, Simpson, I heard your dad's afraid of a little, old, giant grizzly bear. The only thing my dad's afraid of is paying child support.

(SCREAMS) (LAUGHS) (GROANING)

Embrace me My sweet embraceable you Embrace me You irreplaceable you Don't be a naughty baby

"Russia, Great Britain and France had formed an Entente Cordiale"--

Why you throwing tomatoes at yourself, huh? Why you throwing tomatoes at yourself? Your very question is faulty. You're faulty! Knock, knock. What do you want? Would you bullies be interested in some bodyguard work?

The demolition derby? Oh, that'll scratch my itch.

Well, I could use a new pair of hockey skates. Done and done. That's not fair. Why is Bart getting a present, and I'm getting chewed out? Ah, the mysteries of life. Tell you what, Simpson. I won't fail you... if you join one of those peewee teams outside the school.

Burn, baby, burn Burn, baby, burn I can't believe he's paying us a thousand bucks to pretend it's the '70s. Disco Stu is working pro bono.

Part of StrokerAce was filmed at our airport. And, um, oh, there's our ladies' book club. Sara, you’re more than welcome to come. Oh, I'd love to. Another scoop. "Sara Sloane to attend girl-on-girl book club." Oh, Moe, you lovable loser.

What the-- D-oh !

Can we break out the nunchukas? Yes, the impetuousness of youth. For now, let us read. When do we break blocks of ice with our heads? First you must fill your head with wisdom. Yo, Sensei, can I go to the bathroom? You can if you believe you can.

Yech. Ew. Ugh. Ooh, I think this was pizza. Ruth Powers was tried in Springfield Superior Court. The judge dismissed her ex-husband's auto theft charges... and forced him to pay all back child support.

Out of sorts. Mad in the eyes. All kettles and biscuits. Right. Well, he seen I was looking at him... Mmm-hmm. ...and he drops this and runs. Cor, blimey, skip to me loo. Good Lord! I'm afraid this case is beyond even your powers, little girl. I'll take that challenge, Inspector. Yeah, well, good luck.

Check it out, ladies. A suit that makes me completely invulnerable to bear attacks. (GASPING) Homer, there's no rear on that thing. I know. If I get really scared, I don't want to ruin the suit. Now look here, mister. I forbid you to fight a bear. What kind of an example would I be if I didn't take revenge on things?

Ew. Whoa! This place has everything, even a Shoplifting Department. What convenience. I'm doin' all my thievin' here. This is so much nicer than the Kwik-E-Mart. Oh. Oh, I'm sorry, but, oh, it really is.

For your information, Springfielders can be intelligent and articulate.

Give me my money!

I finally got around to reading the dictionary. It turns out the zebra did it.

I'm asking you as your friend and neighbor.

Get out of Archie Bunker's chair now! Relax. I'm just boning up on the old Constitution. Oh, you're gonna regret that, pinko! Oh, I am so sick of people hiding behind the Bill of Rights!

she wasn't really my mother anymore. Oh. So I guess I'm not alone.

This is horrible. The Fox network has sunk to a new low.

Quick, Bart, give me a kiss. Kiss you ? But, Dad, I'm your kid. Bart, please ? Five bucks for a kiss. I have never seen such an obvious attempt to curry my favor.

First of all, his accuser is a very shady character. That waiter, Mr. LaCoste, not only wasn't born in Springfield, he wasn't even born in this country! It's an exclusive! From now on, you tell me everything.

"I engaged in intercourse with your spouse or significant other." Now, that's psychiatry! Huh? Huh? Very funny, wise guy. Aw, that's it. You just can't insult this guy.

Bart, what's wrong? I just had a vision of my own horrible, fiery death. And? Lisa, your brother's obviously had a nightmare. Don't worry, honey. The scary part's over.

You know what I think of this contract? This! Yeah!

Salt water seems to be good for it. Um, I'm sorry. The car did not meet my eco-concerns. Can I have my prize now? Certainly. What the-- Help. Help. It burns.

Then I guess you're a garbageman. Well, I know you are, but what am I? A garbageman. Oh, I know you are, but what am I? A garbageman. I know you are, but what am I? A garbageman. Takes one to know one. Checkmate. Hey, kid, stop wearin' your backpack over one shoulder. We invented that.

I'm so happy to be getting my husband back. And I'm happy to listen to FM 95.3, home of Boomer and the Diz! Bart! Chill out, Mom. They gave me this hat. Mmm...

Yummy, yummy, yummy I got love iN my tummy and I feel like lovin' you

Y'ello. Yes! Mental hospital? I don't know any Ned Flanders. The man who lived next door until his house blew down? Oh, him!

I'll take Professor Frink. Ah, you won't regret it, my good man. What with the passing, and the dribbling, and my shoes made of the flubber!

Let's not talk about that. Let's not talk at all ! Remember my saving your lives and bringing you happiness... when we pass the collection plate next week. All right. Ned, Maude, what brings you here ? Well-- Oh. Go on, Neddie. Sometimes Maude, God bless her,

Michael jackson. Doesn't ring a bell. Heard of MTV or Motown? No. "Beat It"? You beat it. "Thriller"?

And you could at least get that snake out of the piano.

I'm attracted to another woman. What am I going to do? Your infatuation is based on a physical attraction. Talk to the woman and you'll realize you have nothing in common. Barney, that is so insightful. How did you come up with that? It was on one of these bar napkins.

We'll run the store for ya! Two 10-year-olds running my store? I mean-- Wait. What is this? Bizarro World? Calm down! Don't make me put a dog heart in there. Can you believe it, Bart? We're actually running a comic book store.

Don't tell her I raised my voice. Don't. Happy family. Happy family. I keep having the same dream. I'm the mother from Lost in Space. Ready for breakfast, Dr. Smith? Oh, being stuck on this godforsaken planet...

Dad, as intelligence goes up, happiness often goes down. In fact, I made a graph. I make a lot of graphs.

Even bonnets? Especially bonnets. I've had it with that school.

Shining, gleaming Streamin', flaxen, waxen give me down to there hair

You'll never catch me! I'm traveling at the speed of wind! (CHUCKLES) Remember me for my police work and not the murders... Well done. Their fleet is destroyed. (SINISTER LAUGHTER)

One, two, three, four, five, six-- Seven, eight, nine-- The referee's issuing a warning to Rasputin.

Listen, l have a plan that will make the world fall in love with Krusty the Clown again. ts too late. I’ve given up. The Krusty I know didnt get where he is by giving up. No, I got where I am by naming names in the '50s. Okay, whets your plan? ts simple. We just have to cause a riot at the Springfield Shoe Expo.

Huh? Smithers, there's a rocket in my pocket. You don't have to tell me, sir.

Maggie, you're as smart as any one of those kids. Come on. Did we ever turn off that shower nozzle? (ALL GRUNTING) I'm taking you all out for tacos! BOTH: Yay! Okay, for Malibu Stacy's beach party,

Ahh, this is the life.

Dad, those peanuts aren't for you. - They're for the elephant. - Screw him! Put me down! Ganesh commands you! Well, so far, so good. Don't you think?

So, finally, she swerved off the road into the woods and lost the other car and that's when she realized the man in the other car wasn't trying to hurt her. No-- He was trying to warn her... about the ax-wielding maniac hiding in her back seat! Did the maniac kill her?

Hey! A freak show! Oww! Thank you. Thank you very much.

Hello, Homer. It's me, KITT, from TV's Knight Rider.

Comin' right up! I'm gonna get loose need me A triple shot of that juice Hey, there's a balloon machine in the bathroom. Kids, from now on, I don't want you touching anything in our house. Dart!

My name is... ...Woodrow.

But I whittles what I sees.

judgment Day is upon us. I warned you the Lord wouldn't stand for your minidresses and Beatle boots. I resisted these for 35 years. Why did I wear them today?

But we never saw people like us on TV.

The wolf's at old Gil's door.

That is it, Ned. If you don't unplug that phone right now, you're sleeping on the lawn. Will you two shut up?

Mmm ! Great lunches, eh, Lis ? Oh, Bart, don't you see ? This is what psychologists call overcompensation. Mom is wracked with guilt because her marriage is failing. Hey, don't rock the boat, man. Whatever it is, we're making out like bandits.

Ahh, the Simpsons D'oh!

Man, this is pathetic. I'm goin' for it ! Bart, no ! No ! No ! No !

uh-h-h-m, hmm-- No talking.

Now let's explore the improbable series of events that led to this amusing yet tragic farce. On account of my eye patch, I couldn't see Ray sitting at the bar. All I saw was you eating and drinking and talking to yourself.

just the subject I'm having trouble with. Why, you cagey old dog. Great story. Positively spellbinding. Work, damn you. Work ! Bart, pay attention ! You may be telling this to your own son one day if something breaks. Ooh. Lost a few.

Must've been a pretty slow century.

But, Amber, I can change. Will you shut up? All right, let's get our story straight For Marge and Maude. We were out buying them fabulous gifts-- What's the occasion? Because we love them, jackass. Anyhoo, we came out of Wal-Mart, when suddenly, 100 spaceships--

Oh, Miss Albright ? Yes, Bart ? Wouldn't you eventually get used to it, like in a hot tub ? No. Yes, Bart ? Are there pirates in hell ? Yes. Thousands of them.

put on A happy face brush off the clouDs and cheer up put on A happy face Listen to that singing.

Hey ! Pretty slick.

Yeah, but what made the rain stop? I dunno. Buddha? Hey, they've suffered enough. Keep that popcorn chicken coming, Colonel.

If anyone wants me, I'll be in my room. What kind of catchphrase is that?

Cookie's number one on the West Side. But this is the East Side. Who is this lady? Hmm? Hmm? Why are you selling your house? Occasionally, you might hear a faint roar. See? It all works out.

There is the island. It's go time. I'm only doing this one more time.

Whoops! Guess it was already on. Uh, I'd better just put it down. No offense, Mom, but that was pretty cool.

The Black Panthers? No, the Family Simpson-- which has just five members, and only two of those members have special rings. Yeah! I meant our wedding rings.

Did you see that ? You know, Marge, this is the way I've always wanted it to be. We've become a fully functioning family unit. We've always blamed ourselves, but I guess it's pretty clear which cylinder wasn't firing. Homer ! Your paper-thin commitment to your children... sends shivers down my spine. - May I be excused ? - Lisa !

No! Mainly your mother. Is that what we do in this family? When someone becomes an inconvenience, we just get rid of them?

In the city Oh, that is, like, so moving. Ring-a-ling Hear them sing Yo, family, isn't that beautiful? Mm-mmm. Mm-hmm. Walking in a winter wonderland Exquisite. Just exquisite. Makes me wish I hadn't released the hounds.

See you in hell, punk! Man, that was close.

The guy that sold me this thing... did say the wishes would bring grave misfortune. I thought he was being colorful.

You know, you're right. This truly was the best vacation ever. Now let us never speak of it again. As Roger Meyers Jr., the owner of the park, I'd like to thank you for stopping the killer robots.

Ooh, man. He's here. The dude with the fireproof stomach. Spoon. They say he carved it himself from a bigger spoon.

What began as a traditional soccer riot... has escalated into a citywide orgy of destruction. Reacting swiftly, Mayor Quimby has declared mob rule. So for the next several years, it's every family for itself! Ex-Ex-Excuse me, sir.

Well, I'm proud of you, Mom. You refused to compromise your integrity. Yeah. You did the right thing, eventually. Still, it would've been nice to bring home at least one paycheck. Oh, you will, honey. You will.

Please, Mr. Curtis, go back to what made your first films so great. You know what? You're right. I'm going back to my roots. Plots and characters lifted from westerns and samurai films. To the video store! Kids, please accept these boxes of Jim-Jam cereal.

HOMER: You're a selfish jerk! TAB: I've smelled it. It has to be eaten. HOMER: But it's my burger! TAB: I'm driving. I'll kill us. HOMER: (MOUTH FULL) Fine. I'd rather die!

All you need is a car bomb and-- I can't believe you don't shut up!

What are you talking about?

Well, at least that's what I thought. I have a history of missing the point of stuff like this. No, Homer, you got it just right. Hey, you know, I'm a lot like that guy. Really? Yeah, like when I pick my teeth with the mail and stuff. Well, maybe just a little.

Lousy piece of junk!

- Will you take us to Mt. Splashmore ? - No ! No !

That's right, Kent. You know, when public schools drop the ball, it's up to the private sector to fall on that fumble and run for the end zone. Will you be replacing the current teachers and administrators? Very much so, Kent. But they've already received an extremely generous severance package.

Homer, would you like to present your rebuttal ? With pleasure. i Ay, caramba !

Oh, come on, Edna! We both know these children have no future!

B-R-L-F-Q spells mom and dad But that ain't too bad, because that's my boy You look a little sluggish out there, boy.

Here's to a happy, well-rested Marge. Hey, a helicopter's landing on our lawn. Let's approach with caution. Unguarded breakfasts-- The sweetest taboo.

You guys are damn lucky. All you destroyed were bricks, mortar and attorneys.

Here we are, sir. Oh, no. Red hots ! Get your red hots here ! Oh, Marge. Sitting next to the boss. The best night of the year, and it's ruined. Of all the lousy, rotten-- All this means is that you can't wave your fanny in public. Rub it in.

Because making a happy home isn't like flipping on a light switch. Duh, light switch? There are tricks to it, things you should have learned a long time ago, such as, if you leave milk out, it can go sour. Put it in the refrigerator, or, failing that, a cool, wet sack.

Dad ! See you downstairs, boy. That crazy Marmaduke. Eighth hole. Aim for the octopus' third tentacle. - Twelfth hole. - Bank it off the pink tombstone.

I don't need your crummy job. I won the lottery! Well, I won the lottery too! We both won the lottery! Why don't you win the lottery too? Where everybody wins!

The Flanders are a bunch of geeks, man. The "Flandereses" are not geeks! Okay. Rod and Todd are. And the wife has a thing for me. But she hides it behind a mask of low-key hostility. But we've got to give this thing a chance. I want the two families to take a trip together this weekend. No way, josÉ. Yes way.

I don't think it's a good idea to humiliate your boss on his birthday. Actually, Mom, a tweaking of Mr. Burns's foibles, if done with the greatest of care, could earn Dad a special place in the old man's heart. Well, I also do a delightful impression of him. I paint a frowny face on my butt and pull down my pants!

Beer, beer, beer, beer, beer, beer, beer, beer! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Yeah.

into the mailbox. Doh ! Why did you do that ? Dad, there were things in the letter that had to be said, and I know you. You're an emotional guy. just because you were mad last night is no guarantee you'd be mad in the morning. I'll show you mad in the morning ! Gah !

Who the devil are you? Don't panic. just come up with a good story. My name is Mr. Burns. D'oh! We need a cure! We need a cure! Why, the only cure is bed rest. Anything I give you would only be a placebo.

I don't know if this is a good idea. Marge, it's the perfect exercise. It'll double the value of our house, and it was free-- free!

I don't deserve to live on your planet anymore! Agh! Pull yourself together, man.

Kent Brockman here for a follow-up... with Springfield's favorite hard-luck family, the Simpsons. Folks, any words for the Christmas thief, if he's watching? Eh, yes, Kent. Uh, hello, jerk.

Yeah, baby! You gol

The tenth wedding is on the house. This marriage is gonna last forever. No matter how many times I hear that it always makes me laugh. Cletus, do you take Aileen to be your lawful wedded wife? Yup. Done. Next.

Oh, no. Red hots ! Get your red hots here ! Oh, Marge. Sitting next to the boss. The best night of the year, and it's ruined. Of all the lousy, rotten-- All this means is that you can't wave your fanny in public. Rub it in.

Oh, yeah. Urinal cake eroding. Eroding! Eroding! Gone! That motion-capture suit is just what this country needs.

(GROWLS) (BOTH GRUNTING) Maybe this will help. Where did you get that rib? There's a whole rack of them over there. I only ate two. (GRUNTS) Bart, what are you doing? Taking a whiz. Stop that! We're guests in Mr. Burns!

Give me that! Attention, teachers. We're on strike! Oh, no. Strike? Miss Hoover, are you on-- Go home, children.

Shh! Larry Flynt is right! You guys stink!

Ha! Hmm. I wonder where jimbo is today. He should've beaten us up for our lunch money an hour ago. Frau Lunch Lady, please to have another Sloppy jimbo. Das ist gut, nein?

Oh, Maggie. You're a Simpson again.

Marge, your posture looks terrible. What's interesting is you'll continue losing money even after you're dead. Your grave sites will go untended and vandalized. Ha-ha!

English - US - Line 21

Woo-hoo! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh... Woo-hoo! D'oh! D'oh... Woo-hoo!

No. No. No tricks. It was salesmanship. That's all. Sure, Marge. "Salesmanship." But it was. Sure, Marge. "Was." just because everyone who lived in that house was hacked to bits... doesn't mean the Flanders will be. I guess you're right. Who cares?

I was thinking it might be time to combine our CD collections. I don't know, Edna. I'm not quite ready to take that plunge. Seymour, my larval sac fell in the toilet!

Oh, Marge, my loyal wife, of course not. And Lisa, my little princess. And who could forget dear Rat Boy? Rat Boy? I resent that. Bart, I told you before. Stop gnawing on the drywall. What a day, eh, Milhouse?

I'll be right back!

Hey, what's the big idea ? That's my sister, man. So what ? So give her back those cupcakes before I knock your block off. Don't, Bart ! He's a friend of Nelson Muntz ! Ooh !

Urge to kill rising.

Oh ! Ah ! Thank you, God. May I help you ? We're just browsing. Thank you. I'd like to see your finest RV. Do you have something that's better than the Land Behemoth ? Yes we do. That would be the Ultimate Behemoth. Where is it ?

Hey! Hey! Hey! Stop it! I made a special cake for you to ruin. It's over there. Ooh.

Cool-- An oversize novelty billiard ball. You shake it up and it tells the future. Really? Uh-huh. Will I pass my English test? "Outlook not so good." Wow, it does work! Let me try. Will... I get beat up today?

Aah! Ha-ha! Pick the red, get ahead. Pick the black, set you back. Hmm. I don't recall authorizing this booth. Good-bye, gentlemen. Get your haggis right here! Chopped heart and lungs... boiled in a wee sheep's stomach!

Hmm. Sounded large when I ordered it. Oh, I can't make hide nor hair of these metric booby traps. My Lord! Such destruction. Superintendent Chalmers. How are you going? Why is it when I heard the word "school" and the word "exploded,"

And the critics loved it too. I remember Vincent Canby said-- I'm gonna kill you, Homer. You are so dead.

All right. I'm going. My head hurts. I have to lie down for a while. Yea! Hello, I'm Mr. Plow. Are you tired of having your hands cut off by snowblowers... and the inevitable heart attacks that come with shoveling snow? Uh-huh. Then call Klondike 5-3226.

I told you no one ever came here. So, Bob, where do we stand on Springfield Forest? Do I get my logging permit? Well, let me put it this way, jerry. Timber!

But wait a minute. I'm confused. This court heard expert testimony... from one Dr. Nick Riviera. What is your opinion of him ? Mmm-- Mrs. Simpson ? Well, I'm sorry, but my mother always said, "If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all."

Everybody's looking at us, Marge. Well, that's what we want them to do, Homer. Oh. Well, how long are we gonna have to be doing this ? Well, I've never changed the world before, so I don't know how long it takes exactly.

I don't see why I need a new driving license. My old one's just fine. Hmm, I have serious doubts about your skill behind the wheel.

like A wHeel, gonna spin it

She'll pay for this. I'm gonna crush her like this pellet. Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!

Yeah. You should see his genitals. Would you like to see them? I'm awake here. Uh-oh. This isn't anesthetic. It's new car smell. Sorry, Doctor. Ho! Silver bells Silver bells

What do you have to say about the Leader now, huh? Huh? What Leader? The hell with him. He can taking a flying leap. And who do you love now? Hover bikes! Close enough. Yea!

lfthe buddy system can fail, I dont know what to believe in. There, there, Audrey. ts happened to all of us. Willie, we have two more names for the wall. Why is it always the kids with the long names?

Is it Teri? No. Sheri? No! That girl with the lazy eye? No. That exchange student Mix!pa?

You removed it from its original packaging! No! It's no longer a collectible! Oh! Oh! What a nerd. Lucite hardening. Must end life in classic Lorne Greene pose...

Bart's medical bills and an apology. And you won't even get that. Sorry, offer's expired. I guess we'll just have to let the jury decide. Twelve good men, and true. Good day. Smithers, release the hounds.

"So You've Decided to Steal Cable." Uh-huh. "Myth: Cable piracy is wrong. Fact: Cable companies are big, faceless corporations, which makes it okay."

You dunderheaded stooges are the worst bunch of-- Hey! Pretty good, huh? Well, it's better than that last Barbra Streisand movie. I didn't quite get the point of it. Why would Lenny want someone to saw his legs off?

like A wHeel, gonna spin it nobody's gonna mess me around hey, Satan, payin' my dues playin' in A Rockin' band

Oh, it's you, Simpson. Yecch.

You've been squirreling it away, saving it for a rainy day. That's what you said, right ? Homer !

Excuse me, ma'am? Uh, hello? Somebody? Anybody?

Principal Skinner,

Me, Mae, Ma, moe, moo

Oh! We've been together a long time now.

All right, students, take one and pass the rest back. If you have any trouble-- Think, Simpson. Think. Crisis brings out the best in you. Oh. What is it, Bart ? Nothing. Must... take... test.

Give us the film! Never! And on your left, you'll see Rainier Wolfcastle filming his latest movie, Saving irene Ryan. You put me down, you big lummox! jed! Shut up, old lady. And stop kicking me there!

A little on the nose, don't you think? Excuse me. We just came to get our balloon. Here you go. And have a bumper sticker. Thank you. "A gay president in 2084"? We're realistic.

It's a door! Use it! That's a door?

A w] f Chuckiing] Not safe for babies under two. You’re Baby Stink Breath! You’re Baby Stink Breath! En francais. Vous étes i 'entant Stink Breath! How could you make me Baby Stink Breath and not even tell me?

Well, if it isn't my arch nemesis, Bart Simpson, and his sister, Lisa, to whom I'm fairly indifferent.

After the beep. Uh, Ralph's a little afraid of the dark, Bart. Is it okay to sleep with a night-light? Absolutely. Good night, guys.

Okay. Maybe my dad did steal Itchy. But so what? Animation is built on plagiarism. If it weren't for someone plagiarizing The Honeymooners, we wouldn't have The Flintstones. If someone hadn't ripped off Sergeant Bilko, there'd be no Top Cat.

Hey, what's this thing? Huh? Oh, that's an auto-dialer. This bird was using it to pull a telemarketing scam. But instead he's gonna rot in the slammer for the next 20 years. Bread and water, icy showers, guards whomping your ass around the clock. And the only way out is suicide.

Hey, Lise, still insecure about your body? (CLEARS THROAT) Yeah, a little. Those mean girls just get to me. I understand. I have a sister, I think she's dead now, who had the same problem. And I know just the solution.

Aint she a doll? I aint cried like this since I paid to see Godfather /// Here's your baby back.

Well, you all know what laughter sounds like. We now go live to Evergreen Terrace where I'm informed... that former Police Chief Wiggum has captured the Beer Baron. They captured Homer?

Tonight: The Simpsons, as you've never seen them before, on Behind the Laughter.

Thanks. It looks... Hey, wait a minute! just because I'm wearing pink doesn't mean I'm some kind of pink doughnut-eater... although it is tempting.

Yes. My attorneys have advised me to pay you... for running over your child, so I'm cutting you a check. Really ? Great ! One hundred dollars.

- Hi, Moe. Got any beer? - Sure. Check in the fridge.

Geronimo! (LAUGHING)

- Will you take us to Mt. Splashmore ? - No. Will you take us to Mt. Splashmore ? No ! - Will you take us to Mt. Splashmore ? - No ! Will you take us to Mt. Splashmore ? No ! No ! - Will you take us to Mt. Splashmore ? - No ! No ! If I take you, will you two shut up and quit bugging me ?

I said drop it!

Hm, let's see. This evening I shall go for the... - squid platter, - Ew. with extra tentacles, please. Oh, Bart. Excuse me, sir. The party next door seems to be a little raucous. Could you please ask them to quiet down a little bit, please ? Aye, aye.

So let history come alive. ALL: Yeah! Wait! Let me take out my contact lenses! (GROANS) Pelt all you want. But revenge will be Willie's! (SCREAMS) That was a stapler!

Hmm. Bart, come over here. What ? - You little monkey. You're a little monkey, aren't you ? - Yes, sir. Bart, do that thing you do that's so cute. What ? That thing you know how to do. What ? Go to bed.

You can really taste the goat.

Our attendants can take 10 years off your face... and stick it in your boobs. And this place isnt just for gals anymore. ts also for vain, effeminate men. Kent Brockman?

That must mean you were right about the Rapture, too. Yeah. I was wondering if you could help save my soul. I've done stuff I ain't proud of. And the stuff I am proud of is disgusting. But what are we supposed to do on Wednesday? Lie naked on our roof? Because that girls' school says I can't do that no more.

Do I ever. But you don't care... whether you get good attention for, say, getting high marks in school, or bad attention for, say, turning your father into jack-in-the-box. Homer, I see you agree with my theory. I'm not nodding. It's the air conditioning.

which brings us back to our starting point, "the Nine Tenets of Constancy." Damn it! Well, I seem to have lost my place, so I'll start over. Aw, for the love of crumb cake. Our sermon today is on constancy--

In the split second before he died I bet Scratchy appreciated his birthday present. Do you see how this relates to us? You want that once-a-year empty gesture? You got it.

Huh? What? Oh, already? What the hell-- Sorry, lady. I know you. You're Kim "Basin-Jer."

Say, is that a gang tattoo? I thought those weren't allowed. Yeah, it's a gang I was in as a kid. GMS. "Galactic Mystery Solvers". (SIGHS) The only mystery we couldn't solve was how not to grow up. Hmm? That's right, an unauthorized tattoo. I came here right away. Very good.

"le fake diorama." I'll create a diversion, and you make the switch. Hey, everybody! Whoa, look at me! I'm over here! Turn this way right now! Hey, it's Bart. And he's doing stuff.

They have violent names for everything here. Oh, I see. All right. I'll have the baby guts. Lady, you disgust me. Mom, that's veal. Oh.

This is her fat sister, Selma. It's Patty, chump! (LAUGHING)

It's like they saw our lives and put it up on screen.

- D'oh! - D'oh! Oh, it's gonna take forever to go through all of these. I have a plan. Well, that didn't work. Hey, Legs. Let's go jump on Tony's bed. Sure. Uh-oh! We gotta get outta here. Just take 'em all!

Hey, Grampa's running! That's not Grampa. Dad's just dehydrated.

Glug, glug, glug. What'll it be, boys? Just three X's for me. Give me five. This ain't no five-X whiskey. I can still see.

Watch! Uh-- Coming! Ohh. Well, it looks like it's just you and me, Barty boy. Great. I get to spend the summer with my brain.

This is a disgrace. Settle down. Anything this bad has to be educational. Bart! Let's see if they wore underwear back then. Yeah! Do you feel any better? No.

No, the island of San Glucose. Ahh. Good times. Is it really worth risking your lives just for some sugar?

Aw... you be good. I will.

Okay, everybody. Let's see some big smiles.

Well, do you have a number where we can reach him? No. Mom, Bart and some kids ran off to wage war on Shelbyville! Homer, come quick! Bart's quit his tutoring job and joined a violence gang!

Dad, that was really mean. I know, sweetie. And I got him right in the-- Uh-oh! Uh, hi, Flanders. Go, Wildcats. Do you have a problem with the way I'm coaching? No. No. No, no. No. It's just that, well, like I was yelling earlier,

That animal of yours is certainly bad-tempered. Yeah, well, you'd be grumpy too if you were taken out of your natural habitat...

This island is a death hole. We should've just swum for it like Otto. Well, I'm done for. At least I'll leave a beautiful corpse.

Mr. Chairman, I propose a procedural amendment to Space Bill number 371. You'll wait your turn! Very well.

And it's James with the steal. (CREAKING) (GLASS SHATTERS) (GROANS) Who wants to help me clear the table?

I am so sick of doing her dirty work. She's taking advantage of us, Homer. The missus prefers you call me Simpson. She's got a set of lungs on her.

And now you're ready for a night on the town. Homer, you've got it set on "whore." Uh, OOP-- Okay. This time, try to keep your nostrils closed. Oh, look what you did. Now I have to go get my cold cream gun.

It's so Beginner Band. And we're Advanced Beginner Band. This is Band? Very well, Lisa. What rousing Sousa march would you have us play? Well, I thought maybe for once we could play a song that wasn't written by Sousa. You mean something... just arranged by Sousa? No, something fresh and bold.

But in my speech, I'd like to avoid calling it "a painful emergency tax." What about "colossal salary grab"? See, that has the same problem. We need to soften the blow. Well, if you just want to out-and-out lie-- Okay. We could call it "a temporary refund adjustment."

Look. It's J.K. Rowling, author of the Harry Potter books. You've turned a generation of kids on to reading.

If we don't do something soon, we won't get any tourists at all. No tourists? I'll be ruined!

Lisa, we're not supposed to see each other before the wedding. It's tradition.

(SIGHS) I'm looking up your nose, but I feel like I'm staring into your soul. (THUNDER CRASHING) (STRAINING) That was so exciting yet familiar, like Coke with lemon. (MUTTERING HAPPILY)

I want to see how this turns out. The phone's not even plugged in.

Put pie here. Would you like some ice cream with that? Me not pig. 4y f TIA Rock Theme f We nowreturn... to Robo Trouble. Oh, /'m sorry. [mean Robot Rumble.

Well, that's too freakin' bad! I'll tell you where you can put your freakin' "sodie" too! Oh, my goodness! Ow! My freakin' ears! Oh, let's go, dear.

Looks like he's goin' and gettin' himself a new bat. And now there's a beach ball on the field, and the ball boys are discussin' which one of them's gonna go get it. I never realized how boring this game is.

- He's sleeping in the pantry. - My spices!

I'm tired of her criticizing my saggy glutes. Quiet. Her muscular ears can hear us.

Good afternoon, and welcome to the U.S.S. Sea Spanker! Are you ready to tear it up? I can't hear you. Do you maggots want to see a show or not? I mean, uh--

A satellite? What do we do? What do we do? "Discotheques, frat houses, Malibu"-- Nothing about satellite fires. Let's just spray it with water already. That's the end of your loony tune, Drugs Bunny. You're under arrest for astro-vandalism. And may God help you if that thing carried the Spice Channel!

Mrs. Simpson, can Homer come out and play?

Hey, wait a minute! Those are hot dogs! Armour Hot Dogs! What kind of man wears Armour Hot Dogs?

You won't be missing anything funny. I'll just be sitting here reading this grown-ups' newspaper. Go now! Dad, remember how you said that going to Itchy and Scratchy Land would be too damned expensive?

Now, before you enter, you're going to have to make a very difficult choice. You're only allowed to take one parent with you. Mom. Love ya lots! Good-bye, Lisa.

Now, if the berries are too tart, I just dust 'em with confectioner's sugar. Oh! Good secret.

Hmm, hmm, hmm. These would stop Joan Collins herself! Drat. I wish that song were longer.

You mean like when you hid inside the conga drum to scare Ricky? Hey! Stay away from the drums! That's my bit. I got it. Here's what you do. Wait until they fall asleep.

Well, that's almost a sentence.

Waiting for my wife. She has a surprise for me.

How are the southwestern pizza fingers? Uh, they're, um, "awesomely outrageous." Oh, these look good-- "Guilt-Free Steak-fish Fillets." Let me level with you, Marge. That's just our name for bottom-feeding suction eel. You don't want that. Why don't you try Moe's Hobo Chicken Chili.

because john invited us all out for a drive today, and we're going. Whoa-ho-ho! Not me! And not because john's gay, but because he's a sneak. He should at least have the good taste to mince around... and let everyone know that he's... that way. What on earth are you talking about? You know me, Marge. I like my beer cold, my TV loud...

No, Lisa. We're both in-- Go! Go! Go!

What more can a man want? Bart, the Bar Mitzvah is the most important event in a Jewish boy's life. It's when he reads from the Torah and becomes a man. The sweet little shikse's right. Without a Bar Mitzvah, I'm just a boy with a prostate the size of a goat's head! Krusty, your dad's a rabbi. How could you not have had a Bar Mitzvah?

I'm Lionel Hutz, executor of Ms. Bouvier's estate. She left a video will, so I earn my fee... simply by pressing this "Play" button. Pretty sweet, hey?

Of course. All work and Moe play makes Moe a Moe Moe. Moe Moe Moe Moe Moe? Moe Moe Moe. Moe Moe Moe Moe Moe. Moe Moe Moe Moe. Moe.

I guarantee! Will you stop saying that?

I am Lugash. You're reading Gravity's Rainbow? Rereading. Sorry. What are you guys talking about? I was making fractals. These girls are brilliant!

I just wanted to let you know that even though this was a difficult experience, I really learned a lot. I'm a little wiser and a little less naive. Well, I learned that I can make men do whatever I want. Well, don't you see, jessica? Then you really haven't learned--

The only thing I asked you to do for this party was put on clothes, and you didn't do it.

Hey! Mom, Bart's throwing peas! Bart, don't throw peas at your sister. Mr. Burns throws peas at Smithers. Ow! That was a big one!

Now, remember, little dude, you're our only hope. Ow! - Got 'im! - Way to go, man. May I interest you in a jell-O brick, sir? There's a grape in the center.

I can't imagine Dad running away like this. Leaving his father to die? Even I wouldn't do that. And I'm America's bad boy. It's a heartbreaking situation. Am I dead yet?

Hey. Look. There's a big crowd to welcome us back, even though we lost. Hey, i'll give you somethin' to cry about, you loser. You can't catch a football? Let's see if you can catch a rock.

Man, I'd hate to be driving a bus right now! Aw, they're not so tough.

Turn tape over. All is well. All is well.

Where'd you find these? Giant tongue. Oh! I knew it! We also discovered something very unusual at that museum. Oh, my God! What? Well, if you drop a feather and a bowling ball in a vacuum, they'll fall at the same rate. (CHUCKLES) You think you've seen it all in this job,

I think words I would never say.

Makes the sparks ignite And the thought of loving you is getting so exciting Skyrockets in flight (HOMER SCREAMING)

Ha! Now, boys and girls, who knows what this is? Triangle. Very good, Bart! You have first choice of toys for free-play.

I'm gonna kill you, Homer. You are so dead. Now Chinatown was a classic. But you had problems with the sequel, The Two jakes? Oh, boy. Disappointed? I had the blues like Chasen's had chili. I said to myself, "Evans, you forgot Hollywood rule number one--

I am not wearing this. Oh, come on, Lisa. It's totally you. Just, you know, add some accessories, lip gloss, maybe drop five pounds. Aren't we a little young for makeup and-- What do you mean, five pounds? Well, you want to look nice for your date.

Probably digging for drugs. There's no drugs out there. No, of course not.

I'm sorry, Gary. There's no longer a place for you here. What you talkin' about, Miss Nagel? That is so adorable. You're rehired. Sucker! I knew exactly what she was talkin' about.

Yeah, and some dip for these chips or somethin'. Lisa Simpson is no longer Little Miss Springfield. She was stripped of her crown in a ceremony earlier today. Well, that's obviously the wrong footage.

Hello. Quick. Mel, get in. Forget it, Homer. Let's just give them the stupid movie. Movies aren't stupid! They fill us with romance and hatred and revenge fantasies.

This is a lookout post. Where is Ranger McFadden? Well, I was just happy to see so many nice people. Quiet, you drunk. Where's Ranger McFadden? - Right here, sir, right behind the drunk. - Wait a minute.

What do you think I've been trying to do?

How good could it be ? Whoo-hoo ! I haven't had this much fun in years.

All in favor of a strike? Aye! All opposed? Nay. Who keeps saying that? It was him. Let's get him, fellas.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah yeah, yeah, yeah, no (ALL CHEER)

I didn't know your dad was so interested in science. Science?

I can always get a job testing dangerous food additives. We'd like you to try this new diet cola. We call it "Nature's Goodness." What's in it? 2-4 desoxypropenuramine.

You buy it! You buy it!

Oh, no! We're out of gas. I couldn't figure out this stupid Italian gas gauge. I've gotta get to school! Hmm. Let's hitch a ride with that hick.

Mr. Smithers! Mr Smithers! I found another hurt shrew. I think this one has a twisted ankle. Twisted-- Aren't there any healthy animals in this forest?

Pucker up, Ned. And the Red queen's off with her head

How are we supposed to do our big musical number with so many problems in the world? Well, I know one thing in this world that's still pure and good. Christian love? No. Candy!

Kick it in the groin. Ha!

Ho, ho, ho. What's that, Blitzen? Why, yes, it is Christmas Eve. I'm happy.

This is her fat sister, Selma.

I want a piece of him. You think you're pretty hot. Well, we got everything we need on you.

This is what a cornfield looks like, honey. You think those things could also have contributed to my fear of flying? Yes, yes. It's all a rich tapestry.

We're on our way to a funeral. Ding dong the witch is dead Which old witch The wicked witch Homer! Patty, Selma, I'm sorry. Mm! He's hugging us. What do we do?

and Todd Flanders, one of the most skilled ten-year-olds... to ever take back the blade.

They're too high as they are now. Taxes? Nah! It's your children's future. Children are important. It'll cost you. Oh, the taxes. They're gonna raise taxes! Come on! All right. That's a good point. Oh, yeah. That sounds--

Do you hear voices? I'm hearing one now, though I'm trying to watch TV. Yes. Are you quick to anger? Bart, shut up or I'll shut you up! Yes. Do you wet your pants?

Balderdash. This is the silliest load of--

Ohh. Oh, I hate Halloween.

No. The voters will decide that in November. l was talking about this. Oh, my God. I forgot all about this. Where did you find it? More like where didnt I find it. It was practically everywhere. Homer, I'm sorry you saw that, but I was very upset that night.

Lise, check it out. Time for chili. I saw it, Bart. You're just mad 'cause there's no clock in your hat. What hat? Ah, this baby's wasted on an idiot like you. Where's Homer? Your father decided he'd rather come home in a taxi.

Hey, kids. Look who's making breakfast. Itchy and Scratchy?

Milhouse, know any "knock, knock" jokes? I want to go home. Homer, maybe you better take Milhouse home. Gladly.

This is indeed a disturbing universe. Don't touch anything? I'll touch whatever I feel like!

Huh? Hee-hee-hee!

You don't want to piss off a man who can kick you in the crotch from the inside. Mmm. Oh! I need a mouth hole. Uh, and some other holes, too. Cheer up, my chubby inner child.

(PLAYING WEDDING MARCH DISCORDANTLY)

Mmm. Forbidden doughnut. Mmm. "Sacrilicious."

- All done. - You're not done. I want you to throw away these old calendars and TV Guides. Are you mad, woman? You never know when an old calendar might come in handy. Sure, it's not 1985 right now, but who knows what tomorrow will bring? And these TV Guides. So many memories.

Yeah. What the hell are you doing, you little freak?

Star System Trebulon Prime.

At last the world is safe, eh, Fallout Boy? Watch out! Next! Ha-ha! Hey, that hurts. No wonder no one came to my birthday party.

At least you like the food. Oh, I like food, all right. I like pizza I like bagels I like hot dogs with mustard and beer

I miss you, Dad. Mom won't let me read HÄgar the Horrible. I just don't think it's funny. Hmm. I can see the house is falling apart without me, so here's the new order. Bart, you're the man of the house. Mmm! Lisa, I'm promoting you to boy. Maggie's now the brainy girl. Toaster can fill in for Maggie. And, Marge, you're a consultant.

Bart tells me you got into Yale. Sink terminate. Yeah, even though McDonald's owns Yale now, it's still a great school. And I could never afford to go there if I hadn't won the Montgomery Burns Scholarship. Oh, yeah, that's the thing he had to do as punishment for stealing Christmas. Yeah. I miss Christmas. I don't.

Oh, look, Homer, the I.R.S. Boo! Oh, boo yourself. Here we are, kids. The Watergate.

Bart, I'm here for you, but I'm not gonna break into somebody's house. All right. You're right. You're right. Let's just forget about that. Here. Let me read to you from my play. "'Kippers for breakfast, Aunt Helga? "Is it St. Swiven's Day already?' ''Tis,' replied Aunt Helga." I'm goin'! I'm goin'!

You know, Bart, I saw this one. Live, from the Grand Ballroom of the Hapsburg Imperial Palace, it's the World Series of Bumper Cars. More food.

Veronica is a man! (GULPS) (ALL GASPING) Look at the size of that Adam's apple! Veronica, how could you? Patty, I love you, but long before we met, I disguised myself as a woman and lied my way onto the LPGA tour.

We got the popcorn. Did you get Waiting to Exhale? Well, they put us on the Waiting to Exhale waiting list, but they said don't hold your breath.

Ach. Me mule wouldn't walk in the mud. So I had to put 17 bullets in him.

Scott, things aren't as happy as they used to be down here at the unemployment office. Joblessness is no longer just for philosophy majors.

You're not gonna grow nothin' on the old Simpson place. That's why your daddy abandoned it. Oh, what do you know? Well, I know your soil p.H. is up around 9.6, and you need it seven to eight max.

- give me that! - Ohh! Two plus two is four. Two plus two is four. Two plus two is four. I can see why this is so popular. Look at him. - Two plus two is four. - Two-- Give me my bear, Simpson!

Hello, this is Tom Clancy. Would I say, "If you're hunting for a good read this October, "Marge Simpson's book is a clear "and present danger to your free time"? Hell, no, I wouldn't. What do you mean I just said it? It doesn't count! Hello? Hello?

Boo! I mean, man, is that a good movie. Yea! And last Christmas, Marge made us gingerbread men. And there was a hair in one. Well, I'll let you in on a little secret about Marge Simpson. She's got webbed toes. Ew, that's gross.

When will they stop? Come nightfall. How about we take a family walk around the block? Yay! I want to amble. I want to saunter. Amble. Saunter. - Amble. - Saunter. Stop saying things!

Look how cute they are. Look at him go. You're beautiful.

And now, here's... This is Fuzzy Bunny.

And I'd like to thank Lester for reuniting me with my estranged wife. I never even heard about that. I don't understand it. We're always the ones who solve these problems. I guess you don't need it now, but... we had a plan too.

Mom, you made it ! How are you ? I have laryngitis, and it hurts to talk. So I'll just stay one thing: You never do anything right.

Three, four, pick up the floor

Mom, that was incredible. Oh, nothing's more powerful than a mother's love. Mom, your hair! Don't worry. We've got two hours before it burns down to my head.

People soiled our green! And now they're out there somewhere, naked as the day God made them! Boy, I'll tell ya. They only come out at night. Or in this case, uh, the daytime.

Okay, you're gonna hear a loud cracking sound. There we go. Hey. It feels a little better. Mm-hmm. I thought it might. Now, I'll need to see you three times a week for, uh, many years. So how was it in the slammer? Terrific.

How was it? It wasn't that great. Be honest. It was the greatest movie I've ever seen in my life! And you wouldn't believe the celebrities who did cameos--

Well, Maude, your dream has finally come true.

What? Surely he's not talking about VH1? Why, we could revive the lost arts of conversation... and scrimshaw. Thus I submit to you, we abolish television... permanently! Go back to Massachusetts, pinko! Oh, and one more thing. I've stolen a nuclear weapon.

It's chili! Oh, my God! I'm missing the Chili Cook-Off! I'm missing the cook-off. It's going on right now, and I'm missing it. All right. I was trying to keep it from you.

(SCREAMING) Stupid women drivers! (SCREAMING) Stupid women helicopter pilots! (SCREAMING) Everyone okay?

A little to the left. Huh? Oh, very well. You can never be my-- Eeeeeeee! Sir, try to land on Leonard's carcass!

He lives in my retirement home. His name is Malloy. Wow! How'd you track him down, Grampa? Good question. On one of my frequent trips to the ground-- I noticed Malloy wore sneakers... for sneaking!

Eine Minuten! Eine Minuten! Aah! Das wagenfon ist eine nuisance phone! - Buenos noches, mein FÜhrer. - Ja, ja.

What are you talking about, Marge? I don't need a-- Okay, send a truck. Oh. Hmm. Oh, honey. Don't eat that. Wouldn't you rather have your sugar bag? No, I don't deserve sugar. I'm halfway to my grave, and I haven't accomplished anything.

I'll be fine. just give me a second to-- Come on, Eve! Hurry! Oh, my dear sweet Eve. I love you even more than the butterscotch pond or the porno bush. So! This is how you repay me, Adam!

Who's gonna buy a pill that makes you blind? We'll let marketing worry about that. D'oh.

Cheated! Cheated! Cheated! Cheated! Cheated! Lisa, what are you trying to say? I cheated!

I saw Mr. Montone there seal Mr. Palaccio in an oil drum and roll him off the pier. I kill you! Ay, caramba! I don't know. Oh, now, you get to wear a sash. You got yourself a narc. Hey, jimbo, keeping your nose clean, dude?

Enjoy your tour. And take it easy on Mr. Curtis. Your father and I will be across the street at the Lush Valley Winery. Marge, are you sure we should go drinking together? I mean, who am I gonna complain about while I'm drinking? We should do more together. You're my best friend, Homie.

Hi. How's it going? Pleased to meet you. Yeah, ditto. Hi. Huh? Homer, what's the matter? Ain't you never seen a naked chick riding a clam before? Gotta go. Aah!

All right, Captain Rush-Rush. Out of the car. Oh, I'm seeing stars here! No, just one. Hi. I'm Troy McClure. You may remember me from such films as The Greatest Story Ever Hulaed... and They Came to Burgle Carnegie Hall.

Dad, you got syrup on your sash. No problem. If you ask me-- Stop right there. It's stupid to divide the city over something as silly as an area code. It would be like you and Mom splitting up every time you have a fight. Sweetie, you know your mother and I only stay together for the sake of my political career. That's not true! Big grins.

Hey, Bart dude. Yo, hairy bro. Hey, Otto man. Go home, boy. Go home.

(SCREAMING) (CHUCKLING) ALL: Sherri smells, Terri smells Stinky all the way

Wow! You're right, Dad. It is windy! Hey, look. Nobody's driving. Well, will wonders never cease? Relax, everybody. The Navi-Tron Auto-Drive System is driving the truck for me. But keep it a secret. It's a big scam, okay?

Oh! I'm not gonna lie to you, Marge. So long!

Ow! Ow! My heart!

That oughta show little Timmy and Tammy Scumbag who's in charge around here. Gee, Chief, all those gears and motors must've cost a fortune. Well, you gotta spend money to make money, Lou. Mm-hmm. You wanna hold it for a while?

JJ What are you screaming about? Did you discover my snake farm? Cause I can explain. - I'm going to farm and sell snakes. - Maggie's gone! lt must’ve been Moe.

and I hope you'll find it in your heart not to drive awa-- Well, I'll be all right as long as I can remember my army training. Dang!

You're right! We've got to block them from our sight with a giant wall! Like the one in Berlin? Good idea. We should call the guys they used. Homer. It's ringing!

Howdy, howdy, Marge and Hom-- Oh. My mistake. Homer's not even with you. Probably just knocking back a few "refreshments." Thank you for your concern, Helen. Homer isn't drinking today. Oh. I think it's lovely that he said that-- and that you believed him.

Is there anything they won't do? Oh, Homer, this is awful. The guy that sold me this thing... did say the wishes would bring grave misfortune. I thought he was being colorful. I wish for world peace. Lisa, that was very selfish of you!

Tried and failed. (GROANING) I'm a mess. I can't believe I'm jealous of a baby. Hey, I'm jealous of her, too.

I'm never gonna have children. (SIGHS) Selma, I never realized you wanted a child so badly. I didn't want to get pregnant and lose my looks. (SNORTING) But now I'm afraid I'll grow old alone.

Hey, hey. Are you a loan shark? Do you understand how finance works?

I was at the flower shop. Oh, yeah. Uh, I was at the flower shop too. Yep, getting drunk at the old flower shop. Now to see if you will really attack your hero.

He found out who was cobbling shoes for me at night. Turns out l have severe schizophrenia. Well, if hiring this guy will make Lisa like me again, then I'll do it. Can I get this beer to go? Sure.

S.U.V. coming through. Open up for Marge. Thank you. Thank-- Whoa! And daylight! Come on! Come on! Geez. Try the gas pedal, Grandma. It's right there next to the brake. Oh, for God's s-- Go back to New jersey.

- Hubba hubba. Oh, you kid. - Thank you, dear. Now, be good for Grampa while we're at the parent/teacher meeting.

Lighten up. It's a comedy. No, it's not. It's not? Hmm. This pea soup is as weak as the acting and nowhere near as hammy. Dad! That's so mean!

I'm just saying. But please, find it in your jewel-encrusted heart to forgive me. That was very sweet of the Queen letting you go in exchange for taking Madonna back to America. MADONNA: (IN FAKE BRITISH ACCENT) I'm telling you, I'm English.

Hey, Carl! Check out the overhead scoreboard. Poo. Uh, Homer. What wacky name do you want? - Are "poo" and "Ass" taken? - Yeah. Damn! Could my life get any worse? Simpson! Even for a bowler, you're fat.

Guess what, class? Time for a surprise quiz? That's not what I was gonna say, but it's a good idea. Ha! Take out a sheet of paper. Books under your desks. But I'm supposed to-- I've got-- I'm supposed to--

Um, Simpson? Oh, Santa's Little Helper, you're alive! We were so worried about you. It's times like this I'm glad I flunked out of dental school. Lousy chub night. Hey, how come he gets meat and we don't?

Uh! Boy, I can really be a pain in the butt. Gee, I should cut Dad some slack. After all, he did take me to the ballet and the Smithsonian exhibit.

Remember our honeymoon? (DOG HOWLING) Well, I gotta get back to work. Hold that thought. (RETCHING) GATE ANNOUNCER: Attention Miami passengers,

"Here lies"-- Walt Whitman? Damn you, Walt Whitman! I... hate... you, Walt... freakin'... Whitman! Leaves of Grass my ass! Wait a minute. Maybe it's that other grave.

to start Krusty's Care Centers. Please, stop already. To this day, Krusty has not given us a dime. Has he, Frances? I'm cold all the time. Oh, look. It was all a bookkeeping snafu. - Can I have the check now? - Now? Eh--

It's disgusting. Oh. That lady swallowed a baby. Good heavens. Lisa, you're not buying more than your weight in books. But I have to save them. The books no one buys get chopped up and fed to pigs. Helen Fielding's giving them pigs...

Hot, hot, hot, hot. If you're headin' for the medicine cabinet, I already been there.

Get bent. That's my third monocle this week. I simply must stop being so horrified.

(ALL GROANING) (RATTLING) Uh-oh. You can't leave now. We're the only thing stopping Mr. Burns! Sorry, Lisa. And by the way, that story I filed from Baghdad was all made up. I was actually in Basra.

Marge, I'm gonna miss you so much. And it's not just the sex. It's also the food preparation. Your skill with stains of all kinds. But mostly, I'll miss how lucky you make me feel each and every morning.

(CHUCKLING) And Homer's getting a low-fat meal. HOMER: No!

"no matter how big a screwball she is. So let me close by saying--" "And the horse I rode in on" ?

Guess what, everyone! My Great-uncle Boris died... and left us his old country house! There's only one catch. They say it's haunted. But I'm sure we can prove 'em wrong by spending the weekend there. Hididilly-ho, neighbor! Get lost, Flanders.

for running over your child, so I'm cutting you a check. Really ? Great ! One hundred dollars. Of course, you'll have to sign a waiver relinquishing your right to sue and so forth. Merely a formality. A hundred bucks ?

It's just not the same.

I never passed Remedial Science 1-A. And you're a nuclear technician? Marge, ix-nay on the uclear-nay echnician-tay. What did you say? I don't know. I flunked Latin too. According to this book, the first thing we need is a setting.

D'oh! Ew, a bug!

and into the obituaries. Wait a minute. They're gonna kill Dad!

I'm happy to report that the flow of illegal liquor seems to have dried up, public drunkenness has ceased, and those mysterious liquor clouds... over Evergreen Terrace are gone. People, Rex Banner has won your war against alcohol! What about the Beer Baron?

Uh, m-my shirt fell off. Mr. Simpson, please cover your ears while I say the secret access word.

No! You can't take my Focusyn. I need every brain cell blazing to outwit my invisible enemies. I know you love Focusyn, son, but in time, you'll get just as attached to these three amigos. No!

An ancient Indian what ? Mr. Plott, Homer Simpson here.

Football in the Groin! Football in the Groin!

Oh, look. She's presenting. We thought this would take years to happen. Ping Ping just asked Sim Sim to marry him, and I think she just said yes. Aw.

Uh-oh, here comes our friend Bullwinkle J. Moose.

Right. We understand. Students, I have an announcement. One of your favorite comic book heroes, "Radio Man"-- Radioactive Man, stupid! Strange. I shouldn't have been able to hear that. Anyway, a Hollywood studio has decided to film... the Radioactive Man movie here in Springfield.

My daughter has something to tell you about jebediah Springfield. Aw, the little cutie wants to do somethin' cute. Shut up, ya bums! Shut up! Go ahead, angel.

Eh. He had a good run. I'm gonna need help with this. Hmm.

Make way for Willie! I said make way for Willie, ya bloated gasbag! Seymour.

Forget you, pal. Thanks for nothing. So I say, "Forget you, pal ! Thanks for nothing !"

There is a dress code on this beach. But we can help you. I feel so European.

911. Hello. This is Lisa Simpson and-- Simpson? Look, we've already been out there tonight for a "sisterectomy," a case of severe butt rot and a leprechaun bite. How dumb do you think we are? Wait! Dr. Hibbert!

- What are you so mopey about ? - Nothing. Lisa, tell your father. Mr. Bergstrom left today. Oh ? - He's gone. Forever. - And ? I didn't think you'd understand.

Before you, it was the woman who dated Charles Grodin. You have made me feel so wonderful. Thank you, Springfield! Weve got another surprise for you. A y, carambal Oh! That's amazing. Thank you. JJ f Orchestra: Fanfare f

Oh! "I will iron your sheets when you iron out... the inequities in your labor laws." Amen, sister.

Yoink! Well, now that you've got everything you need, I'll just, you know, get out of your hair. Not so fast, two eyes! Come on. Let's slice him open and get our food back.

What's it like, Bart? Bart? Bart? Give me that! Okay. We're young, rich and full of sugar. What'll we do?

Gotta find a way to change Marge back... and replace the M&M's I took from the minibar. Hey, Homer! Flanders? Oh, a perfect vacation ruined.

Yeah, what do you want?! A beer. Okay, then. Can I have a clean glass? Here you go, Your Majesty. Next on Eye on Springfield a toast to Moe, wizard of Walnut Street.

Extended warranty? How can I lose? Perfect. Sweetheart, a missing crayon could be anywhere. Who wants lottery tickets? Okay. It's in his brain. Dad, how could you? We were connecting in such a meaningful way.

the subject prepares for a long and painful recovery. It's lucky for me that Legs was an experienced Mob doctor. He once pulled a slug out of my arm and inserted it into a stoolie's brain. That's a first place science project, Lisa.

"Live from New York, it's Saturday night!"

I want you to knock off that potty talk right now. The principal said "potty." You listen to me, son. You've just started school, and the path you choose now may be the one you follow for the rest of your life. Now, what do you say?

japan. Except over there they call him "Annual Gift Man," and he lives on the moon.

Whew! Safe at last! Now I'll just turn around and confirm that safety.

You have my pills! Hello? I'm cold, and there are wolves after me.

When we left off, Calvin and Tanya were arguing... that free will is an illusion. If you ask me, humankind has freedom, a freedom fraught with paradoxes. Freud shows how childhood shapes our subconscious mind, but this helps us to think for ourselves.

we are the dusT of a future past we raise our voices in the night crying to heaven

Let's get that, the suffocation thing. And you can have it all for just $500. $500? Aw, forget it. But surely you can't put a price on your family's lives. I wouldn't have thought so either, but here we are.

Edna, Seymour, in light of these, uh, revelations, I suppose we overreacted. Do we have our jobs back? What? Oh, yes, yes, yes. Sure. Just, uh, you know, keep the lewdness to a minimum.

- fast as sure as my favorite book is- - f Homer's Voice] Magazines. f Homer Snoring f - f Bats Voice] Wake up, Dad. - [Homer's Voice f Huh? What? Dad, that information is all wrong! Maggie's a baby, not my best friend.

You've got to listen to me. Elementary chaos theory tells us that all robots... will eventually turn against their masters and run amok... in an orgy of blood and kicking... and the biting with the metal teeth and the hurting and shoving. How much time do we have, Professor?

Gotta focus. Damn it. Why did I pay for a hundred Xeroxes when I only wanted one? Well, I guess someone else will use the other 99. Prank or study? Prank or study?

Can't you just use this recent photo? Uhh. Eh, all right. Here you go. Whoo-hoo! Who's laughing now? Eh, shut up.

but I will not stand idly by and watch you feed a hungry dog! Go to your room! No! This family stinks! Mr. Burns nurtures my destructive side. I'm suffocating here. Bart, you listen! Oh, go eat some flowers! My secret shame.

Oh! Manjula? Apu. Remember me? Obviously not. I am the god Ganesh! This wedding angers me! All will die unless it is stopped.

- They're very-- - Does it have tomacco in it? No, but I use only the-- Pass! I was here first. Come on, come on, people! Don't push. There's plenty of tomacco for everyone. Have your cash or food stamps ready. Don't forget your mincemeat pie. You're scaring the customers, honey.

"W-What... w-woul--" Hurry up, son. I'm sorry. I can't read! Mrs. Krabappel never taught me to read! Is this true, Edna? Oh, God! I've created a Prankenstein!

Pearson, get this woman a glass of water immediately. - And tuck in your shirt. - Yes, sir. Nearly 30, and still working as a busboy. Standardized testing never lies. Doesn't surprise me. She's always been the lucky one.

It almost sounded like he plans to tear organs out of living people. Well, that's my dad. (LAUGHS) You can't stop him. (HUMMING) Hey, 700 Club. You look like a healthy specimen. Well, I did finish first in the Walk for the Cure of homosexuality.

Dear Lord, may your loving hand guide Homer to the mattress, square and true.

I'm prepared to make that sacrifice. - What if he wants a kiss? - I'm prepared to make that sacrifice. What if he-- You don't wanna know how far I'll go. Dad, is it right to take things from people you don't like?

Unfortunately, Homer Simpson's shameless display of exhibitionism... tainted the entire evening. I want him banned for life from all company outings. Way to go, Homer. Hey, thank you. You're too kind.

Hey, I'm on TV. Fart.

Shut up! I'm trying to watch this.

And you wouldn't believe the celebrities who did cameos-- Dustin Hoffman, Michael jackson-- Of course, they didn't use their real names, but you could tell it was them.

When I read your magazine, I don't see one wrinkled face... or a single toothless grin. For shame! To the sickos at Modern Bride magazine. Hey, Grampa, we need to know your first name. You're making my tombstone!

Stop! Don't recycle! It's murder! You're helping Mr. Burns! But you told us to recycle. You convinced us it was good. No. It's evil. Please! Stop recycling!

Don't worry. I'll tell everybody you were untouchable. Whoa.

Babies just happen. Well, not to us they don't. Oh! Homer, we have tried everything--

Uh-oh. Dad's having an antacid trip. And I won 50 bucks. Can I see the 50, Bart? Can I? Huh? Milhouse, my friend, you and I are going on a spending spree.

Oh, what a lovely gesture. Cost of paper: five cents. A mother's love: priceless. Aw. Do I get a card? No, but here's a book called Chicken Soup for the Loser... that gave Bill Buckner the courage to open a chain of laundromats. Hmm. My career has kind of lost momentum. I think it's the bright blue pants.

Slimy Prince Limey! Well, hello, love. Give us a kiss then. You call that charming?

Oh, wait. That was the old sofa. Oh, I'll never get my aim back.

He's insulting both of us. Let's go.

Stuff starts disappearing-- That's enough. There's a problem with the reactor. What do you do? A problem with the reactor?! We're all going to die! Run! Mmm... mmm. Did you get the job? Nah, they wanted someone good.

Mmm ! - Aah. - Mmm ! - Aah. - Aah.

The topic was love. Why hasn't anyone called? Maybe people don't want an eight-year-old babysitter, honey. Parents need to be sure their sitter can handle anything that might happen. That's why they hire teenagers. But-- But I'm very mature for my age.

but this helps us to think for ourselves. Very good, ian.

Do whatever you have to do to save Moe's. I love my Homie. Okay, honey, I'll do it. What's going on here? Nothing. Nothing. Thanks, Homer. No one's ever trusted me before, except for that one guy who shouldn't have. That was me. Oh, yeah.

They're advertising my show in Art in America. It's the first time I've been mentioned there-- that I know of. - I'm happy for you. Now good night. - Good night.

about providing top-notch vacation values.

I can't walk home with all this stuff. Ohh. Poor boy. Here's some money for bus fare. - My father was a monster too. - Hmm.

Okay, guys. We push him out of the way in exactly three seconds. Should we correct for wind resistance? Hmm, possibly. What do you think? Oh, my. Well, Dean, I'm really sorry for the running-you-over prank. Prank?

Simpson. Detective Homer Simpson. His name's like my name!

Whoo-hoo! Whoo-hoo!

Huge ass? Somebody check the men's room for a huge ass. I'm Hugh jazz. Telephone. This is Hugh jazz.

which absorbed the light reflected from Ray the roofer.

What do you do, "Dr. Simpson"? Doctor? That's right. I'm Chief of Complicated Surgery at the InvasiCare Clinic. That means you went to college, right?

Oh! No all-you-can-eat seafood. I wore my extra-loose pants for nothing.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, two. Let's get to the baby pictures. Aw, Mom! That's exciting. Oh, please. Here's Bart sleeping. Here he is dozing. Here he is after a visit from the sandman.

Oh, my God! I've gone back in time! I've got to warn everybody about Hitler! And get to the ice-cream store! Hey, Homer, what's all the hubbub? Let me guess. You travel back in time again?

D'oh! My spine. Oh, honey, that is egg-ceptional. Okay, now we just have to stick the feet on. Right.

Smithers, who was that corpse? Homer Simpson, sir. One of the finest, bravest men ever to grace Sector 7g.

Get out. So much for the legendary gypsy hospitality.

If I can tranq out just one freak on stilts... I know I’ve done myjob. You’re livin' the dream, Chief. Dad, I'm really glad you’re still alive.

two months' salary only bought me the ring box. Oh, here, honey. Take one of mine! Whoo! Oh! I felt naked there for a minute.

I thought Kearney was dating your mom. Hey, she came on to me. Get him! Ow!

Lookee, lookee. Hey, hey. Wocka, wocka. i got rings and you want 'em. Win a genuine Ronex watch just like a real movie star. Hey, there's a sucker. Aw, come on, Dad. Get on the trolley.

Hey, if you're out here, then who's in there? Whoa, a badger! Sorry, man. You can't crash here. Come on, let's go.

Aw, wait a minute. Jacques Strap ? It's you, isn't it, you cowardly little runt ! When I get ahold of you, I am gonna gut you like a fish and drink your blood. Where's your sense of humor, man ?

Hidilly-ho, Bart!

Whoo-hoo! I'm rich! Rich, I tells ya! Here ya go. It seems to be stuck. Bad baby! Bad Maggie!

Wow! Capital City! The Windy Apple! Come on. I'll get you the tickets.

Listen to me, Son. No one loves a quitter. So you go over there and you win her back. But she might say no. Oh, I quit. There's no convincing you. Oh, I'm gonna take a nap.

Oh, yeah. Now the time has come for you to do us a favor. You mean the mob only did me a favor to get something in return? Oh, Fat Tony! I will say good day to you, sir. Okay. I will go.

Every day is a new fight, sir. Bart, the school is a police state. Students are afraid to sneeze.

I like those odds. My mistake was grabbing the cheese.

Now I can make my escape. Hi, Mr. Burns. You want your coffee now? No. I'm, uh, making it myself.

Yes, it's the latest craze. Try some, won't you? Go ahead, Ralphie. The stranger is offering you a treat. Mmm. Oh, Daddy! This tastes like Grandma! Holy Moses! It does taste like Grandma!

It's fun to obey the machine. (WHIRRING) Mmm. Mmm.

Yeah, I've done some of that myself. Will you stop it! It's easy to blame ourselves, but it's even easier to blame Apu! He's making us look bad! What's going on out there?

My. She seems too good to be true. I'll say. Her butt waxed the bannister.

I'm Artie Ziff!

Ah, kiss my dishrag. See? That's your problem. You're a crab. Ladies like sweet-talkers. Hey, I'm sweet. I'm sweeter than jewish wine. Then prove it! I want you to charm... the next pretty young thing that walks through that door.

Me too. Now, the next event in our living room Olympics-- the controversial couch vault. I do this for Stainmaster carpets proud sponsor of the living room Olympics. What the hell are you..?

Freddy, honey. I think something just dropped into the backseat. I'm not paying you to talk.

Cool costume. It's not a costume. They found me inside a meteor.

They're trapped. Oh, damn it! I cant stop worrying... about Homer and Lisa. Aw, Mom. This'll take your mind offthem.

It was people! People soiled our green! And now they're out there somewhere, naked as the day God made them!

"A bushel of apples packed in each bar... "plus the secret ingredient that unleashes... the awesome power of apples." Wow!

Please let me slip through the cracks. Well, you look like a good student, what with those glasses.

If you just knew how important it was to learn blah-blah sit.

I don't know. He just came along with one of the others. He didn't sign up officially. Oh, forget him then. It wouldn't be fair to the other children who filled out their application forms in full. Next! At last the world is safe, eh, Fallout Boy? Watch out, Radioactive Man!

Manjula, please. I have known we were meant to be together ever since my mother forced me to marry you. If you give me another chance, I'll do anything to make it up to you. Hmm. Come here, you. These are divorce papers. Consider yourself served. Hey, pally,

- That's why I faked my death. - But we saw your plane crash.

I hate pai gow! Can't we just play "quang jong"? Can't we just go upstairs? No! This is Kent Brockman in Chopper Copter 6 with a special report. Montgomery Burns's son has been kidnapped. Kidnapped? Marge, it's not a real kidnapping. It's a simple hoax to win a father's love. You know how I feel about hoaxes.

Now you're charming. You don't know me. This guy here, this is the guy. All right, Springfield,

Uh, Dad, Lisa's the one you're not talking to. Bart, go to your room! Why don't you just eat him, Dad? I don't need any serving suggestions from you, you barbecue-wrecking, know-nothing, know-it-all. That's it! I can't live in a house with this prehistoric carnivore! I am out of here!

Okay, Homer, nothin' to be worried about. just-- Wow! I've never seen Dad hit somebody like that before.

All right! Time for a crime spree.

Uh-oh! Whoa! I'm riding a unicycle with my pants down. This should be every boy's dream. Ha-ha! Your dad's not handy. Son, are you okay? I brought a homemade first aid kit! It's spring-loaded for quick access.

We now return to... When Buildings Collapse on nonstop Fox.

and I'll hit the books.

Well, we're leaving. And remember, no Itchy and Scratchy. Aw! I'd better take these batteries just to be sure. Mm-hmm.

So I just wanna know, how come you made your Homer Simpson character so-- Stupid? Well, I can assure you, it happened organically. It better have! The 13 of us began with a singular vision-- Titanic meets Frasier. But then we found out that ABC had a similar project in development... with Annie Potts and jeremy Piven. Who's jeremy Piven?

We won! Yea! U.S.A.! U.S.A.! U.S.A.! U.S.A.!

Well, that's it. We've been canceled. I think we can be proud... that we never did a bad show, except for that week Ray jay johnson was my cohost. "You can call me Ray, and you can call me jay."

Honey, what's wrong? I'll tell you what. That rotten Moe is getting rich off a recipe I gave him.

Ooh! Dooh! See you tomorrow night, Simpson! Huh.

And the person who traveled the least distance to be here-- Well, kiss my grits! Homer Simpson!

We now go live to city hall... for Mayor Quimby's response. I stand by my ethnic slur!

Listen up. It's your basic Statue of Liberty play with one twist. You throw it to me. Knute Rockne called it "the forward pass." Now, the clock's still running, so it's important we start this play as quickly as possible. Oh-ho, boy! Don't dream about me no more, kid.

Mmm ! Honey, I'm home ! There's an original sentiment. Take it outside, Simpson. I'm male modeling.

Hmm. Ow! Pointy. Eww! Slimy. Uh-oh! Moving. Aha! Aw. Twenty dollars. I wanted a peanut. Twenty dollars can buy many peanuts. Explain how. Money can be exchanged for goods and services.

Are you gonna go lavender on me?

I'd like to put this filth behind us and let's all enjoy Lisa Simpson's rendition of "Stormy Leather." Uh, "Weather."

Mom, guess what. We're going to Itchy and Scratchy Land. No. I've already planned our vacation. We're going to the Highway 9 Bird Sanctuary. I understand they've installed a new bird feeder this year.

You must blame that little boy. He started it all. Get him!

Oh, man, that's good!

Kindergarten! Ha! Now, boys and girls, who knows what this is? Triangle. Very good, Bart! You have first choice of toys for free-play.

I hope you enjoyed my one-man pie fight, kids. Now it's time for another "fanschmabulous" episode... of itchy and Scratchy.

Well, well, well. If it isn't the cutest police officer in Springfield.

Uh-oh! Somebody's got tired little legs. Hm! Uhh! Hmm. I wonder where the flip-flops are? Menswear? Maybe it's Sporting Goods. Wait, no, Sleepwear.

"My dad's job takes him to all parts of the community. "He performs a valuable service but is often misunderstood "like a vulture or the flesh-eating maggot." Would anyone like to see Mr. Simpson harvest a soul? Yeah! I would! You said something about a hot meal? (CLEARING THROAT)

You’re charging how much for a room'? - Hello? - Hello. This is a phone survey. lfthe election were held today...

Marge put together a nightclub act. I shot the sheriff But I did not shoot the deputy She didn't do it She didn't do it So the next time you see a sheriff, shoot him. A smile.

and-- Did I say pizza man? You are listing my broken dreams. I don't get it. I finally did a job where I wasn't lazy, stupid, or corrupt, and now I'm going to get killed for it.

Dad? The panda was you? Did you see Daddy dance? They all saw me dance. Oh, Dad.

Ladies and gentlemen, to drop the green flag-- our beloved mayor, Diamond joe Quimby. To everyone participating today, I salute your vigor.

Ick, my mouth tastes like an ashtray.

just give him a day or two, and I'm sure he'll be back to his old dynamic self! Okay. Attention, H.O.-scale passengers. The dining car is closed. Root beer is still available, but the cost is now 6.50.

Phew! Boy, that-- Ow!

I have Bloodstorm and Bonesquad and Bloodstorm ii, stupid! Oh, I'm sorry, honey. - We'll take a Bonestorm. - Get two! I'm not sharing with Caitlin. That must be the happiest kid in the world. Psst! Hey, Simpson. Check this out.

Not bad, Lisa jr. But God's palace is way up on the moon. So if you want him to hear us, we've gotta crank up the volume. Do you hear me, Lord? Homer's doin' your work! I'm the greatest missionary of all time!

Tough tortellini! I'm sick of printing a children's menu! Let Mickey Meatball find his own way out of the maze!

Forgot my hat. Can't buy me love - Oy! - Love can't buy me love

It smells funny in there. No, it doesn't.

Hallelujah. Hallelujah. It was a miracle and it was gross. Cool. What affliction "be-plagues" you, my friend? Come again? He paralyzed his vocal cords cramming too many "K" sounds into a punch line. Oh, mercy. Well, I'm not sure there's anything I can do for-- Feel the power!

Mars, eh? Mmm. I see no evidence of water.

No worries, madam. Lumley, shovel on more dogs, won't you? Aye, aye. More dogs! More dogs!

- Ralph, I thought you were dead. - Nope!

(LAUGHING EVILLY) Some sucker will think he's getting beer, but he's really gonna get a face full of melon! Seedless melon! (LAUGHING) Shh. Don't ruin the moment.

Yiddle, my man, you're a genius. I love my work. Oh, the best charity is to give and not let other people know. But what if your example encourages others to give? Speaking of charity don't you think it's time you forgave your son?

They are coming back for us, aren't they? I don't know.

I'm being mocked by my own children on my birthday. It's your birthday? Yes. Remember, it's the same day as the dog's. Santa's Little Helper, it's your birthday?

That's it... Come closer. Ironic, isn't it? The hunter has become the hunted.

If that's what they cut out, what they leave in... must be pure gold! Let's watch some more of those fabulous Simpsons outtakes. Apu living with the Simpsons? It happened. And here's a scene you didn't see.

Yes! She loves me, she loves me.

What? What is it? What you doing?

It's wall-to-wall landmarks. The Williamsburg Bridge. Fourth Avenue. - Governors Island. - Look! It's ZZ Top! You guys rock! Eh, maybe a little.

Not in my parlor, you don't. Aah! Me eyes! I'm scalded, I am!

There go my young-girl dreams of Vassar. Hello, I'm Dr. Marvin Monroe. No doubt you recognize me from TV. - We would if we had one. - Lisa ! No, no, Homer, don't stifle the youngster. Your family must feel free to express itself.

Yeah. Think about it. Hello, work? This is Homer Simpson.

It begins! Give me that! Stop him! Barney, no! Give me that bottle! No! No! No!

Uh, one chocolate, Mootilda. Can I have a swirl of chocolate and vanilla? Huh? Uh-uh! Oh, nonsense. You can do it. Ivan Reitman! Ow!

Is that so? Well, gee, maybe the old Flanders mobile could use-- Aah!

I'd be more than happy to. I saw Mr. Montone there seal Mr. Palaccio in an oil drum and roll him off the pier. I kill you! Ay, caramba! I don't know.

He's a toy-killing machine! That shy little imp? I have a flower for 'ou. Aw. Oh, man. I gotta get me one of those. Hey, I'm not waiting till the store opens. Wow. Only 22 seconds from muttering to door smash.

See you in hell, punk!

Anybody else? Come on.

Ahhh! Ow! (LAUGHS) I love this job. "All extra-curricular activities are hereby canceled, "to be replaced by nothing!" (ALL GASPING) Who would sign such an order?

That was funny !

Come on, Homer. Do it for your old pal, Moesy. But, Moe, yesterday, you called Homer a worthless sack of-- - Pipe down, rub-a-dub! - Ow.

Ohh, I can't believe I cracked up my only set of wheels. Go home. Put on a smile, high-pants. I've got a surprise for you.

That's right! Crawling on your knees! Crawling! Oh! He's really gone. He's gone!

Well, look at the wonders of the computer age now. Wonders, Lisa? Or blunders? I think that was implied by what I said. Implied, Lisa? Or implode?

I'm going to show my family the kind of man I really am. All right. I'm gonna--

Sandwich. Hmm, underpants.

There's a note! (READING) Finally, a superhero that kids can love. What about Fist Face?

Oh, thank you, Mr. Simpson. It looks so much better-- a beautiful sky blue.

So. You are the new cop on the beat. Okay, I know the drill. What will it be? One hundred? Two hundred? Two hundred. No, no! I mean nothing. I don't take bribes. Yes, of course you don't.

Make it ! Make it ! Make it ! Make it ! The kick is up. Oh, please, please, please, please, please ! Holy Toledo, it's good ! It's good ! It's good ! It's good ! It's... good to see you all in church. Please, be seated, Homer. Yeah, sit down, Homer.

My sister here made a whole pile up cupcakes to butter up her teacher, and she won't give anybody else even one measly little crumb. That's bad news, man. Here, Otto. I made an extra one for you. Oh, thanks, little lady. You're welcome.

Yes! Fight and struggle. If I know me, he won't like being kicked in the crotch. - Gott in Himmel! - Oh, Marge. It's me, the real Homer. Oh, Homie! Mmm, mmm!

We've just been handed a bulletin from our Rock 'n' Rumor department. Michael jackson is moonwalking his way to Springfield.

There's only one beer left, and it's Bart's. Hey, boy, how's the microphone working? Fine. Bart! I would love to get a present like that. Here you go. Enjoy. D'oh! This is a great invention. Watch.

Ow! My eye! I'm not supposed to get jigs in it. I cant believe our family finished a project this complicated. ts the only worthwhile thing I ever made that wasnt Lisa. Prove me wrong, Silent Bob.

Thank you for coming. I'll see you in hell. All right. These are our new family security rules.

I am. I didn't say that. Yes, I did. D'oh.

Ew! Oh, it's so cozy. You're insincere. I like that. Can I top you off, hon? No, thanks. More hash browns, sugar?

Whoo! You go, Zorro! I, King Arthur, declare Zorro the new king of England! Yes! From the "Z" to the "O" to the double "R"-"O" He's the dude in a mask from the barrio

Homer, breakfast is ready. Hmm ? Blech ! Oh, Marge, you saved me from making a big mistake. You know, I finally understand the meaning of-- The meaning of what ? Better half, Marge. Better half. Oh, thank you. Where's the letter ?

Aah! Ew! Get outta my car. This isn't my house.

I brought my own mike!

while you spend the afternoon watching unpredictable Mexican sitcoms. ¡Ay, el estÓmago! Run along, you little scamp.

Homie, do you ever drink alone? Does the Lord count as a person? No.

But, whether you noticed her or not, Maude was always there. And we thought she always would be.

Principal Skinner ! Hello, Mrs. Simpson. I'm afraid there's been... - a very disturbing incident at school today. - I'm outta here. Homer, Principal Skinner is here. Hello, Principal Skinner. I'd get up, but the boy crippled me. Mm-hmm. I understand completely. The disturbing incident I was referring to happened this morning...

I had ten years to take a picture. Hmm. Funny the way everything reminds me of Homer. I love you.

Hi, jessica. Hi, Bart. Come to watch me suffer? I just wanted to let you know that even though this was a difficult experience, I really learned a lot. I'm a little wiser and a little less naive.

Sorry, offer's expired. I guess we'll just have to let the jury decide. Twelve good men, and true. Good day. Smithers, release the hounds. Your Honor, I would like to call to the stand... Mrs. Homer J. Simpson.

I want to be a nacho man

Oh, Dad, you are the living end.

He's right. We've been wasting our lives. The hell with cartoons. I'm gonna do what i've always dreamed of. I'm gonna write that sitcom about the sassy robot. Here, kids. I guess you deserve this. Let's go. I guess nobody likes the truth, huh, Grampa?

I fall to pieces

You know, son, the day you were born I received the greatest gift a man could have.

A rattler ! - I'm not afraid ! - Run, you fool ! Through here, boy. Back to civilization.

Homer, in order to identify your assailant... I must follow you through the course of a normal day. Just do what you usually do... and the killer will reveal himself. Gotcha. f Wind Blo wing f This is a normal day? I just wanted to impress you.

Whoa! Thanks, chick-dude. Well, I hope you're happy, Simpson.

Of course. God bless America. And now, ladies and gentlemen, let me be the first to present to you...

That won't even cover the gas I used to go to the store to buy the twine to tie up the bundles. It sounds like you're working for your car. - Simplify, man. - Oh-- Sorry, kids. The trip to Albany is off, and there's to be no more recycling.

I'm making rice. It'll be a while. Did your Secret Service goons ever whack anybody, George? You know, in my day, little boys didn't call their elders by their first names. Yeah? Well, welcome to the 20th century, George. I'll kick you right out of the 20th century, you little--

But... I need you too. That's the problem with being middle-class. Anybody who really cares will abandon you for those who need it more. I-- I understand. Mr. Bergstrom, I'm gonna miss you. I'll tell you what.

with your new principal, Ned Flanders.

Happy birthday to you, happy... It not my birthday, Seymour. You know I'm a Sagittarius. Really? I'm a Libra. There's a lot of compatibility there. Skinner, be gay on your own time. Today is the day we choose who gets the school's vending machine contract. I anticipate quite the dog and pony show.

Am I going to Hawaii? Stop saying "Hawaii" in there.

Here's a phone. Call somebody who cares. Give me that! Now, if you'll excuse us, children,

- What dog? - Who the hell are you? I wish I knew. You know, son, my dad used to take me down to Johnson's Hardware. Old man Johnson knew everything about fixing stuff. When they built this place, he hung himself.

You want to step back, sir? You're trampling the flowers. Ooh! Hiding behind your goons, eh, Bush? Whoa! Well, you are a wimp! Wimp, am I? Agent johnson, Agent Heintz,

What am I supposed to do here? Nothing. just sit. I'll be back.

If you don't go tonight I won't be here tomorrow. Oh, all right, I'll go. Oh, Krusty!

What kind of show you got for us, Mr. Burns? Well, the ape's going to stand around for three hours or so. Then we'll close with the ethnic comedy of Dugan and Dershowitz. Sensational!

Why is Bart so tall and shaggy? Just one of life's mysteries. Like why is my nose jammed full of army men? Oh, come on! Don't you get it? Bart stopped time with his magic stopwatch! Jealous much? Why can't I tinker with the fabric of existence?

Well, maybe I was partying so hard with my single friends last night, I forgot the rules. Could you please stop fighting in front of us? (EERILY) Why? Is it messing you up? Homer, just settle down. We just got a postcard from Maggie.

Oh, yeah. Oh! Can we talk about Chief Wiggum? We had fame and fortune.

Sir, we've run into a serious problem with the mission. These Nielsen ratings are the lowest ever. Oh, my God! We've been beaten by "A Connie Chung Christmas"!

Good evening. I'm Lindsay Naegle.

founding father jebediah Springfield, every May 10, local residents gather... to drive snakes into the center of town and whack them to snake heaven. After exposing Alger Hiss, Honorary Grand Marshal Richard Nixon...

(AUDIENCE BOOING) You suck, Johnny Rainbow!

your famous film-- the one you destroyed before the trial and haven't been able to find another copy of. Oh, yes. That film. Yes. You don't have a copy, do you? Krusty, have you ever seen this so-called animation genius before? Yes, I have.

Stop this float! What's the holdup? Go! I'm tired of being a corporate shill.

Please, Bart. I've seen your stupid Shemp. Nyung, nyung, nyung, nyung!

We'll give you half our allowance. Uh-huh. But you have to be our slave. Okay. This gives us a lot more free time. Uh-huh. Let's take up smoking. For months I worked and worked while my sisters smoked and smoked.

And she's on drugs! Give me the drugs, Lisa. Dad, I'm not on drugs! I was just trying-- His arm! Oh, my special little guy! Are you okay? Hmm. Dislocated shoulder, bump on the noggin.

I don't want to pry into your personal life-- Then don't! Doctor, how could a little baby save a full-grown man from drowning? It's quite simple. When a parent's life is in danger, a child can summon superhuman strength. Well, all I care about is that my little girl loves me.

Well, Homer, this is it. Time to get back with the people. The young people. All right! Yeah!

That's much worse. About 50,000 volts worse, if you know what I mean. Sizzle!

Marge, the dog is hungry ! Well, then, feed him ! Yes, master ! Doh ! You're my best friend. You're my best friend.

j Gonna rock around the clock-N Oh, G- You’re gonna be just fine.

slapdash episodes with yawns. Angry yawns.

One of the monkeys stole the glasses off my head.

He's out there, isn't he? I'm afraid so, and his wife's with him. Homer! Hey, I'm not dead yet! Save me, Marge! I saved you!

But this isn't like a loan application or a will! You signed away my dignity. And I'm going to get it back. Lisa, do I have my pants on? Yes. Perfect.

"F," Bart. And believe me, you'll be seeing plenty of 'em.

My friends! Stop! Please, hurry. Sure, we could tear this house down-- No, my friends! Stop! Let me finish. We could tear it down,

Who rigs every Oscar night We do We do Thank you. Tonight we are here to commemorate...

I'll get our letter so wet, the ink'll run, and no one will be able to read it. Yeah, but don't other people have mail in there ? So a few people won't get a few letters ! Boo-hoo ! You know the kind of letters people write. "Dear somebody you never heard of: "How is so-and-so ? Blah-blah-blah blah-blah-blah-blah. Yours truly, some bozo." Big loss.

Oh, my God! Everyone Snake swore revenge on is being murdered! It's almost as if he's killing from beyond the grave.

Go, Dad! Go, go, go! Yeah! Come on, Homie! Gluttons, to your marks, and gorge! Chew, chew, chew! Chew, chew, chew! Ooh, dear. No, Homer! Don't fill up on bread! Huh? Oh, right! The steak!

And in school yard fights, the highly anticipated match... between Kearney and Mr. Largo ended in a disqualification... for use of dog-doo on a stick. Lisa.

And if she doesn't, you win a pizza! (WISTFUL MURMUR) Chloe sure turned out successful. You're successful, too, Mom. You made a chore wheel that's both fair and wise.

Last night, I dreamed I held you in my arms.

Eat around the banana, Dad. It's just empty vitamins.

I come from yet another distant future... where gun violence has destroyed the very earth itself! What is this, open mike night?

(PRISONERS CHANTING) Kill the rat! Then have snack! Kill the rat! Homer. Homer, where are you? (GRUNTS) Marge! How did you get in here? As president of the cultural board,

You're here, aren't you? Yes, Bart. I never left you. Wh-What do you want from me? You'll see... after the surgery.

Hey, Chief Wiggum, what are you doing? What's going on? I'm sorry, kid. We got Simpson D.N.A. on Burns's clothing, and your father was identified by the old man himself. D.N.A. Positive I.D. - Those won't hold up in any court. Run, Dad! - Hey, ho!

It matters not, mon frere. And after desserts,

You certainly gave that boy the heebie-jeebies.

But you can't do this! I saved the children's lives! I'm a hero! Tell them they'll live to regret this. You'll live to regret this! Oh, thanks a lot. Now I look crazy.

That's right. You're all angry, sick people. But over these next eight hours, you will be broken down to the level of infants, then rebuilt as functional members of society, then broken down again, then lunch, then, if there's time, rebuilt once more. All right, roll it, Lou.

My Barbara will no longer pleasure me with the French arts! The gal I'm stalkin' had me bumped back to 200 feet. Aw, Moe! That's too far!

Smithers, we're at war! - I'll begin profiteering, sir. - And hoarding. Leave it to the Democrats to let the Spaniards back in the pantry.

Come on, come on! Crack those atoms! You, turn out those pockets! Atoms. One, two, three, four-- Six of them! Take him away!

The Simpsons D'oh!

for a wife's well-being in my life. You just won yourselves a motorcycle! Whoo-hoo! Whoo-Whoo! It's mine! Finally I've won the respect of my fellow m-- Get away from it! Okay, hepcats.

Now, this baby is called the "Withstandinator." It can take a six-megaton blast. No more, no less. Oooh! Blankets, radio. Oh, a Gary Larson calendar.

Come here, you slippery rascals.

Hmm. This looks like a nice, friendly place.

No ! Are we ever gonna be there ? How would I know ? Quit asking pointless-- Bart, look ! Honey. Honey ! - We're saved ! - Uh, Homer. Bees ?

say hello to Anthony "Fat Tony" D'Amico! And the ruiner of events worldwide -- title fights, the Super Bowl, and the Nixon funeral-- ladies and gentlemen, the Fan Man!

Oh, dear. You have ruined my work, you flying fat man. Hey! Step on it, Mom. Dad's signaling that he wants to go higher. Higher.

Thank you. Thank you. Yes. Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. Welcome to our 10th anniversary show. Oh. We've got a great-- Kang, what are you doing? You said we were going to warm up the audience.

but I don't know if I'd trust him with my garbage. Yeah, it's a peace of mind issue, you know? These old geezers just don't get it. It's time to rock the vote. One man come in the name of love one man come and go

Boy, I'm like a mess here. I feel so lonely without that kid. You still got us, Moe. You guys mind if I kiss your tummies? - Oh, well, all right. - Yeah.

Oh, he'll never dance with her. She'll have to settle for some Mexican Milhouse. I demand to know your name. My name is... Lisabella. That's my name with "bella" on the end of it. Ask her. Oh, God. Please ask her to dance. I shall dance... with her. Ooh!

Very good, sir. Ladies and gentlemen, this brave man has accepted the "Sirloin-a-Lot" challenge. He will pit his stomach against 16 pounds of indomitable tenderloin. They like me because I'm brave.

Grandma, you'll always be an inspiration to me. You taught me a criminal can evade the law well into old age. Thanks for the meatloaf recipe, I claim it as my own.

into a-- some kind of a lobster-like creature?

The mating call of the loser. just a minute, Simpson. I think my son has a very good chance. Oh, yeah ? Wanna bet ? I'm not a betting man. Oh, I'm a chicken, am I ? - That's right. - All right. How's this for a wager ? A-A-A batch of your wife's delicious blueberry muffins...

Hey, turkeys! Behind ya. For the last time, Bush, apologize for spanking my boy! Never. You make him apologize for destroying my memoirs.

Don't worry, son. You'll be fine. This boy's appendix is inflamed and about to burst, which will make it easier to find once I get in there.

By the way, I dont suppose any of you have seen my, um- No. Sorry. Oh. There's no need for apologies, guys. You’re rock stars. You’re supposed to be reckless and destructive... and be celebrated for behavior that would land normal people in jail. That's what I told them, Homer!

I know it dont seem like it matters, but, you know, she hates lookin’ like crap. Uh-huh. Hey, hey, hey, Osh Kosh B’Gosh! She dont want what you’re shovelin’! Mr. Moe, my son was only playing next to this girl who is not your daughter.

Eww. Why are we stopping at this dump? That's the house you grew up in, Son. Wow! Let's go find that hot-dog tree I planted. Yeah, we lived here till the bank foreclosed in '63.

Marge, get back here and tell me about your father!

I think Godzilla's bigger than Superman. It's not to scale.

Mmm! This could really spice up those pies I've been making. What the dickens?

You won't be seeing any prison movies where you're going-- prison! No, please! I'll do anything. Anything? Well, that's a start. Agent johnson, F.B.I. I'm very happy to meet you. From now on, you're gonna work for us. Okay, but could you pay me under the table?

Go, toothpaste, go! Move your pasty white butt! Come on, shampoo! You can do it! Yea! I won your stupid bathroom products race!

No, no, no. He'll get you after school, son. - Now hurry up. It's time for class. - But-- Scoot, young Simpson. There's learning afoot.

And you keep saying we need to do things together. Hmm. Mmm! This could really spice up those pies I've been making. What the dickens? Eve, did you taste of the forbidden fruit? Ohh. Yes, God.

Are you thirsty? We've got Clamato, Mr. Pibb, and soy milk. That's all right. I think I'll just hit the hay.

Yeah. You did the right thing, eventually.

- Really ? - Nah. Dad, I've done everything I could, and I've only got 35 bucks. I am through with working. Working is for chumps. Son, I'm proud of you. I was twice your age before I figured that out.

- Hey, mister. Do you need some help? - Let him go, Ralph. He knows what he's doing.

Bart, no grifting. Aw, raspberries. Name, please? Simpson family. We're not poor. Well, we're not. Go on in. They're expecting you at the clubhouse.

Oh, no. It's gettin' dark. Well, that's it. I'm gettin' out of this town alive if it kills me!

Sorry. The bank is-- Oh, kid, gosh. I meant to tell you-- Turns out that Krusty is one of the biggest tax cheats in history. And they nailed him, all thanks to you. Some might say you're a hero, kid. Not me, however. I love Krusty.

"Dear baby, Welcome to Dumpville. Population: You." We'll all help.

That quilt was made by my grandmother! So... it cost you nothing.

I'm sure a lot of great people have started with less. Nope. Never under a dollar.

Help them find their eanae-eharatou-nah-duleve. Their eanae-haratou-doola what?

"Sala" seems to mean "jerk," and I think "Manjula" means some kind of spaceship.

Bye-bye, "fishies."

Ha. Freeze, dude. Move a muscle and I'll blow this wino's head off. I'm behind three inches of bulletproof glass. Do your worst. All right.

- Here, boy. In here. - Huh? Hold on, Son.

- Ap-cray. - Ap-cray.

What do we need a psychiatrist for ? We know our kid is nuts.

Whoo-hoo! Aren't you gonna buy it, Dad? Fifty cents? Not likely. Hey, Ray. Cleaning out the old office, eh? If I hadn't already packed my letter opener, I'd give you such a stabbing.

Hell no. What did you say? I don't want any damn vegetables. All right. No Bible stories for you tonight.

Yeah. ts every parent's dream to outlive their children.

Okay. Take a break, ladies. No eating the grass! Hey, he didn't say nothing about this poison oak! Sweet, sweet poison.

Oh, my Lord! Oh, isn't that cute. A baby driving a car. And look. There's a dog driving a bus.

Bart, you want some brownie before you go to bed? Come on. Let me cut you a brownie while they're still hot. Dad, I'm kind of edgy right now. I'd appreciate you not coming in my room screaming and brandishing a butcher knife. Why? Oh, right. The Sideshow Bob thing.

Wow! They showed him! Man, I never liked Shakespeare until now. Right, you little blighters. We've had quite enough of your evil mischief. But you're the one who's been bad. You've been sneaking puddings. But-- But how did you know?

Forget it. He releases the hounds on every charity that comes to his door. Feed the Children. Save the Whales. Even Release the Hounds.

That tour is mine. Well, hold the phone, Dora. A new challenger has emerged out of nowhere. He's running on sheer pluck, moxie and grit.

Tell us more about this feast. No, no. Eat now. When we arrive, there will be plenty of time... to chew the fat.

Er, uh, that is not my baby. (QUIMBY-LIKE) Er, uh,

JJ f Rock And Roll] J l pat a spell on your J Because you 're mine J

just stick it in the refrigerator when you're done, Bart. Bart ? See, Maggie ? Those silver and blue guys...

I've gotta get out of this rut and back into the groove! Well, good! Try to include Bart and Lisa. Dear Lord, if you keep Homer from embarrassing us today, we promise to build several churches in your honor. Bart! No!

That is so cool! You really think so? Yeah! Any Poindexter can throw some nuts and bolts together. You risked your own life. Even though you're the sole provider for a family of five! I am the luckiest kid in the world!

Oh, i love your magazine. My favorite section is "How to Increase Your Word Power." That thing is really, really, really... good.

but it is as intricate and precise... as a well-played game of chess. Was that me, or was that you?

I just throw it in a drawer at night. No! tll tangle! Sorry. I cant go outside. I'll call for help. No hurry. I got plenty to read.

and honed his skills while serving time...

Wow. Did you see that thing, Marge? So powerful. So commanding. So forceful and raw.

"At all times let a man be supple as a reed and not rigid as a cedar." Bart, my short, learned friend, the Book of joshua says "You shall meditate on the Torah all day and all night."

Boy, fatherhood is one tough gig. I don't get how other guys do it. Ready, switch! Hey, uh, careful, boys. That arch is looking a little Romanesque.

Oh, you poor little sheep! No one's sheared you for years. All right. Almost done, my little friend. Soon you'll be a nice, cool-- Rat!

Yea! You know, part of spending time together as a family... is spending time apart as individuals.

Say, I've got a neat idea. Why don't you go in and pick up my mother, and we'll all go out to dinner? I'll be back in a jiffy. That's not my mother. I'll be back in a jiffy.

You kids won't put me in a home like I did to my dad, would you ?

We can wait. Come to papa.

Yes. We have already received lifetime supplies of baby powder and Pepsi "B." Free baby cola! Apu hits the jackpot and I'm stuck with these useless one-tuplets! Gee, sorry for being born. I've been waiting so long to hear that.

No, no. Dig up, stupid.

Kids are the best, Apu. You can teach 'em to hate the things you hate. And they practically raise themselves, what with the Internet and all. Well, perhaps it is time.

Steroids have turned me into everything I hate. Let's go home, sweetie. Club soda will get that blood out. Well, there's only one way to recoup my losses.

(GROWLING) (GRUNTING) Goodbye, Simpsons. You'll be back someday, Ling,

Systems analyst, systems analyst, systems analyst. Systems analyst. All right! Homemaker?

Oh, you're gonna love it in Cuba, Marge. There's shredded pork everywhere! It's carne de burro. Nice to meet you. Ah, the new Packard we've been hearing so much about.

Here you go, Principal Skinner, Mrs. Skinner. You're actually giving everyone in town a Christmas present? What's your angle, pervert? Oh-ho. My angle is "givin' in this world, livin' in the next!" But how can you afford all this on a widower's salary? Well, actually I picked up some extra cash renting out my house to a fraternity.

So, girlie, you like roller-skating? No. Yeah, everybody loves roller-skating.

Uh, James Watt invented the steam engine. That's boring. You're boring everybody. Quit boring everyone! And then he worked on a machine to communicate with the dead. Some kind of scary telephone, I guess. Maybe he planned to stick his head under the ground and yell. All right already! Everyone knows the man accomplished a lot.

Come on. Don't get upset. It's not the end of the world. We all loved that quilt, but you can't get too attached to-- My cookie ! Oh, this is not happening. This is not happening !

Do you have any idea how insane that sounds?

So, kids, what do you wanna play? Good Samaritan! I get to clothe the leper! Lucky! Suppertime, boys. Oh, boy! Liver! Iron helps us play!

Well, I wish you wouldn't...

There and there. See, honey?

Dad ! Look, son, all I'm asking is that you try. Okay, I'll try. Anybody can try ! I want you to win ! Homer ?

Time to reap the benefits of bein' cool. I don't believe this. Everyone's got an earring. My neck hurts, and my ear hurts. I have two owies.

Everybody, give 'em back. Hey, hey! Who pulled the pin on this one?

I gotta quit smoking. We drove 2,000 miles for this?

Ohh, a new pacifier. D'oh! No more fooling around. Paw, this is Bart.

Dear Lord, may your loving hand guide Homer to the mattress, square and true. Okay.

Oh, morning, Kent. Our volunteers have done an amazing job... getting the park ready here. We're gonna show Springfield that faith and devotion... are the wildest thrill rides of all. All right. I hear the mayor's arriving for the ribbon cutting.

Free comedy tip, slick. The pie gag's only funny when the sap's got dignity! Like that guy. Hey, Hal! Pie job for Lord Autumnbottom there! Oh, dear.

So, uh, where are you staying tonight, Homer ? Motel, I guess. Oh, no. No pal of mine is gonna stay... in some dingy flophouse. Ah. If you get hungry in the middle of the night, there's an open beer in the fridge.

So I wanted to kick up my heels and indulge my sweet tooth. I feel like celebrating. Oh, it's you. What are you so happy about? I see. Smithers had thwarted my earlier attempt... to take candy from a baby, but with him out of the picture,

Homer, this is a rare lapse in judgment for you. But scaring kids is good for them. It hardens them against future terrors, like roofing and driveway scams. CHILD'S VOICE: La, la, la, la... (BOTH SCREAMING) Oh, sorry. I forgot I bought the soundtrack album.

Yeah, yeah, I'm okay. There's just somethin' I got to do. Oh, look at that. Hawaii. Oh! That looks so romantic. Well, if Hawaii's what my baby wants, Hawaii's what my baby gets. Oh, no. That's too expensive.

Psych! (LAUGHS) Good Lord! Bart's mooning the flag! Don't look, Buttermilk! (CROWD JEERING)

Right about here I realize something's wrong. Yep. There I go. Then came the rocks-- jagged rocks, hitting me with their jags. The sequence became an instant comedy classic. But what the audience didn't see was the unfunny aftermath.

Here you go-- Hey! Here you go, you ingrate. Think of me when you're having the best sex of your life! Drink it! Mmm!

But couldn't we just give in to the British? Never!

Bart, please. The groundskeeper and I... are trying to settle this like adults. Hmm? Huh? Look, it's snowing!

Ooh, sorry. Uh, we don't normally drive these in the Air Force. Gotcha! Ya TV-hatin' mutant. What is your major malfunction, Sideshow Bob? Oh, my little sugar bun.

Hey, pal! Did you get a load of the nerd? Pardon me? I'll be a campus hero.

Do you like it? You guys are the best! I love you, I love you. I'm okay. I love you, I love you, I love you. f OWi Hooting] [Crickets Chirping f Hey, what gives? Where are all the rock stars? I dont know, but it's starting to get dark.

Bart, you're not hitting hard enough! How did you get her out? I tried the coat hanger again.

We're still not sure how he caused the meltdown.

And it won't just be a simple caning this time. Because you have impeded science, you must now aid science. Yes. Starting tomorrow, you will assist me with my amateur astronomy. Taking down coordinates, carrying equipment and so forth. 4:30 in the morning. There's a 4:30 in the morning now?

Oh, that does my heart good. How a young heart Really feels Oh! And I love her so Sunsets.

I always get blamed for everything.

Hi, little fella. I got some nice juicy flies for you. Geez, Louise. Look at this mess. I told that boy a billion times to pick up his jun-- I like to play with you. My back. I like to play with you.

Look! What's that? We'll be dashed to pieces! Oh, Lord, protect this rocket house and all who dwell within the rocket house. It's them, all right. We're over here, Homie!

Hey, what the-- Oh!

What the bloody hell? Hit the road, gramps.

The song will be "john Henry Was a Steel Drivin' Man." Oh, no. We're gonna make you sing, Bart Simpson. Yeah, Bart Simpson, we're gonna make you sing.

All right! Yeah!

Sacre bleu! We will show those stupid Americans... who looks like "ze" frog, eh?

Look here, boy. The secret is to take tiny bites, like so. Mmm! Mmm! Mmm! Stop it! Stop it!

It's okay. It's okay. I'm back. See? Daddy's here. Come on, Maggie. Maybe if you just squeeze a little. That's it. That's it. I-- D'oh!

Good news, Simpsons. We found your daughter's belongings. Where'd you find these? Giant tongue. Oh! I knew it! We also discovered something very unusual at that museum. Oh, my God! What?

Yeah... Oh, pruny night The stars are sweetly wrinkled We are the fruit

We don't have to play football, do we, Daddy? Oh, you betcha. Team sports will keep you away from temptations like rock music and girls.

That's great. But so are the wolves and cougars.

Thank you, Principal Skinner.

Cool. Which came first, turkey the bird or Turkey the you guys? If you don't want to say it, just think it. Istanbul was Constantinople Now it's Istanbul not Constantinople Been a long time gone Constantinople

- No means no for Eimoi - Ow!

The whole town's laughing at me. Even that cat out there. Bart, kill that cat! Okay! And that big yellow flower! Homer, your growing insanity is starting to worry me.

Hello! Hello! You have my pills! Hello? I'm cold, and there are wolves after me.

You wandering mongrel ! Get out of my mom and pop operation !

And Krusty's autobiography was self-serving with many glaring omissions. But this time, he's gone too far! We want Krusty! We want Krusty! We want Krusty! Yeah, we want Krunchy! We want Krunchy! I thought you said you broke their spirits. We did.

You won't feel a thing... till I jam this down your throat. The whole ordeal leaves Mr. Burns twisted and disoriented. The most rewarding part was when he gave me my money. But what's with the glowing?

Damn ! I need money !

That quilt was made by my grandmother! So... it cost you nothing. Shut up!

Aww. I'll just rest here for a minute. Ahh.

Y'ello? Sir, I'm honored to inform you that you've won the Nobel Prize. The Nobel Prize? Finally! So, it's for what? My whole deal? This is Professor John Frink, isn't it? If I say no, do I still win? I'll tell Professor Frink he's won. (SPEAKING SWEDISH)

Uh-oh, here comes our friend Bullwinkle J. Moose. Bullwinkle's antler's sprung a leak.

Hello, operator ! Give me the number for 9-1-1 ! Hey, thanks for your help, fellas. This reporter smells another local Emmy. Yeah, we're rootin' for you, guy. Hey, you got someplace to sleep tonight, Bart ? Yeah, there's this family I kind of hang out with. Sounds pretty sweet.

or the inventor of a hilarious refrigerator alarm. Who are you to complain? You lock me up in a home... and give me the same damn shower-safety seat every Christmas. Your whole life you never said one nice thing to me. That's 'cause you're a screwup!

You there. Fill it up with petroleum distillate. And revulcanize my tires, posthaste.

- No. - Hey, man, we own you. Let's see some blood. - I don't have to entertain you. - Come on, man. Do it. Do the blood thing. Come on. Do it. - Do it, do it, do it, do it ! - Why are you trying to scare us ?

is plotting to take over International Perfume and Wine. He just gave away a year's worth of story lines. Cut him off... now. Yes! What the hell are you doing?

- Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. - What is this, a joke ? - Ready, Mr. Simpson ? - Yes, sir. Send in the clowns. So, Simpson, which one is it ?

Hey ! Hubba-hubba ! Look, a chick ! And it's not even ladies' night. Hey, hey, guys !

How many monkey butlers will there be? One at first, but he'll train others. Cool! Yeah!

Hello. I'm actor Troy McClure. You kids might remember me from such educational films as Lead Paint: Delicious But Deadly and Here Comes The Metric System.

Thanks for going out with me tonight. It really took my mind off stupid jerks... and their mothers. And did you know the hole's only natural enemy is the pile?

Oh, if only the real chicks went down this easy. Look at that comic book fellow calmly eating candy like a Spaniard. Time for monkey to shine.

No hard feelin’s.

Wow. Praise from Caesar. Huh?

Yea ! I demand a recount. One for Martin, two for Martin. Would you like another recount ? No. Well, I just wanna make sure. One for Martin, two for Martin. This way, Mr. President.

The Itchy and Scratchy Show Tee one up for me, cat-ty. Sure thing, mous-y.

Bart's making faces. Where's my red cap? Alley balls? Your wife is dead. I haven't flushed a ball in years.

In this house, we obey the laws of thermodynamics!

Flanders, can you watch my kids while I'm at the rehab clinic? Oh, thank God you're finally fighting your demons! My demons and I are closer than ever. Next year, we're gonna visit every Major League Baseball park. I'm just going in to bust Marge out. Well, that's good, too, I guess. Feed my pets and tape my shows!

Of course. - Thank you. Dr Foster? - Hmm. At least your memory's not crazy. Now, Ned, you may remember... we spent some time together 30 years ago. Do you recall what you were like back then? Oh, sure. I was a good little boy. Were you?

You'll never guess what I heard in the supermarket today.

This man is costing my health plan $5,000 a day. I demand that he die with dignity. Now, look, I'm the doctor here. Well, I demand a second opinion. Hi, everybody! Hi, Dr. Nick.

(KISSING) So you see what happens when you don't obey your restraining order?

No. (GASPS) (PANTING) You're in big trouble, mister! I'm bleeding! Huh, there's no cut on your cheek. Where'd the blood come from? Hey, I got a loose tooth!

Bart! Young man, in this house we use a little word called "please."

No, you do. You're gay for Moleman! You're gay for Moleman! (BOTH GRUNTING)

la, la, la, La, la la, la, la La, la, la Let go! Let go! I'm all naked and wet! Get up, Homer. It's time for church. I don't wanna go. It's church. You have to go.

So I just wanna know, how come you made your Homer Simpson character so-- Stupid? Well, I can assure you, it happened organically.

No. No. No! Man, you'd think the quality would dip after 5,500 shows. But-- Well, the F.C.C. isn't laughing. They don't believe kids are learning anything from Itchy and Scratchy.

The answer is no. What's wrong with this country?

Remember, Smithers, in and out in 18 seconds. - Uh! - Mm!

It turns out the zebra did it. I don't get it.

Hello. Dad, what are you doin' here? Lookin' for my teeth. Gimme those! Better wash these off. Oh, the hell with it. Well, Grampa, as long as you're here,

Homer, maybe it's the Champale talking but I think you're pretty sexy. Really? It must be the Champale talking.

in words I can understand. Look, boy. I know I did wrong, and I'm truly sorry. I put you in humiliating commercials for money... which I spent on myself. I just wish I had an opportunity to make things right. Mr. Simpson, I like the way you handled yourself on that board.

(STRAINS) Stupid spider! Afraid of dying? (GRUNTS) Ah-ha! Huh? (SCREAMING)

What are those, Grampa? These are hobo signs. They're to tell other hoboes if a place is friendly or not. That one means good vittles. Sexy daughter. Mass hobo grave in cellar. Aah!

You know what's great about you English? Octopussy. Man, I must have seen that movie... twice. Yes. Yes. That's not too bad.

Oh, I'll never mock the Coast Guard again. You Navy rejects are all right. Mr. Simpson, give me your license. Burn their poop.

Mm-hmm. I found... a penny! Could this be the best day of my life?

Yeah, you're right. Guys are always patting my bald head for luck, pinchin' my belly to hear my girlish laugh.

Find something he likes and share in it. Well, he is building a soap box derby racer! Oh, that would be perfect. Dear God! Not again! Bart, I'm gonna help you build that racer.

Well, yeah, kinda. Did that butter churn just move? 'Cause if it did-- What's wrong with us, Homer? Have we lost the spark already? No, no, honey. Maybe this will help.

Laundry bill soar like eagle. jerk. So, you like to sneak into casinos.

D'oh! The beer!

A ghost train! And so little time to get out of the way. Now less. Now none! D'oh! Hey. Get off the course, you bum! Security! Wha-- Golf course? Did I dream that whole thing?

Okay, that's long enough. Let's see how they're doing. Had enough? What say you, men? Has this lowly maggot passed the test?

Marge, can we trade? I don't trust these guys. We've gotta get home before someone sees us. You know, all this danger is kind of a turn-- Okay.

My eyes. The goggles do nothing. Where in the hell is Milhouse? That one shot cost us a million dollars!

Okay, that was the sand movie. Now, it'll just take me a second to set up our next movie. Uh, Miss Hoover, movies are a nice break, but couldn't we be doing something a little more challenging? Probably.

Oh, my goodness!

Hey, Bart. What? What's wrong? Well, jessica, I don't think we should hang out together anymore. You're turning me into a criminal when all I want to be is a petty thug. Oh, good. Here comes the collection plate.

That's a new one! Wait a minute. One more time. Hello, my baby hello, my honey... Double-time now. I love school.

Done and done. Now, do Wiggum. Well, okay. I guess it would go something like this. All right, Simpson, you're under arrest, see? I said Wiggum!

Time to get in love formation Your love's more deadly than Saddam And that's why I gotta drop da bomb Party Posse!

Good luck finding it. I'm gonna take the numbers off tonight! We'll look for the house with no numbers. Then I'll take off the numbers on my neighbor's house. Then we'll look for the house next to the house with no numbers. All right. You'll get your money.

Mmm. Sixty-four slices of American cheese. Sixty-four. Sixty-three.

Maybe we should move to a larger community. D-oh ! Don't have a cow, Dad. The sad truth is, all families are like us. You think so, huh ? Well, there's only one way to find out. Follow me.

You get to work overtime without us paying you extra. I won't do it. If you don't, we'll ship you right back to Mexico.

Gee, your station has a lot of problems. Tell me about it. just look at our morning guy. Hello. This is Moleman in the Morning. Good Moleman to you. Today, part four of our series... of the agonizing pain in which I live every day.

Electricity-- the fuel of the future. Test-drive the Elec-Taurus today and get a free gift.

Krusty the Clown is brought to you... by the new Gamestation 256. It's slightly faster... to the max!

Good old Evergreen Terrace. The swankiest street in the classiest part of Pressboard Estates. If you love it so much, why are you always littering? It's easier. Duh! The dream police they live inSide of my bed

Well, this is a lovely gesture, but...

I'm the president of the Gay and Lesbian Alliance for some reason. Ah, here it is. The Stonecutters. Ooh! This is it-- my ticket in. They have to let me join if I'm a son of a member. I'll take this Communist one too.

Yeah! Oh, this is the best present I ever got! Thank you, Bart. Thank you, Michael. My work is done here. What happened to your voice? This is my real voice. I'm Leon Compowski. I'm a bricklayer from New jersey.

Then technically shouldn't you go back down and start all over? Shut up! You are so fired! Whoo-hoo!

That's a good start. Let's get you a pack. What's your brand? Anything slim.

Well, what am I supposed to do about friends ? You'll make new and better friends. But, Dad, we're simple people with simple values. Capital City is too big and too complex. Everyone in Springfield knows us and has forgiven us. Homer, I'd be lying if I didn't say that this scares me a little.

Uh, no. They're saying, "Boo-urns! Boo-urns!" Are you saying "Boo" or "Boo-urns"?

You say you're in the military? Sweet Enola Gay, son! I'm gonna come in there and corpse you up! Corpse you up and mail you to mama!

The stench is overpowering. Wait a minute, sir. That's Homer Simpson. He wasn't exactly a model employee. Well, who is a model... employee? Simpson will do just fine, sir. Did you hear that, sir?

Ohh, I can't believe I cracked up my only set of wheels. Go home.

I cannot do it! To murder a funnyman of such genius... would be a crime. Ah, tell you what, Krusty. Do for me my favorite trick... where you ride the little bike through the loop, and I will let you live.

And never judges you Who caN take thiS diaper i don't mind at all who can cleaN me up before the big poliCeman's ball the garbageman

We'll send you someplace safe till the heat dies down.

Oh, you just know what everyone should do, don't you, Marge? Ladies and gentlemen, pour a little cider on those Peepers, 'cause here comes the halftime parade. I forgot my float. Quick. Pass me down. Stop that. Okay, Lise.

Well, all right. Go ahead. Okay. It all started Sunday morning. Kids ! We're late for church. Get your butts down here right now !

Baby Button-Eyes! What are you doing possessed at this hour? I'd better tell the governess... (GROWLS) Oh! God! The prophecy has been fulfilled! (SCREAMING) The buttons look like they're sewn to my eyes.

Use the choke chain. Fine! I want you to sit there, look through the window...

we wouldn't have The Flintstones. If someone hadn't ripped off Sergeant Bilko, there'd be no Top Cat.

No! No! Shut up! Shut up! Stop it! Stop it! I can't take this anymore.

l bazoom-a you want a table. Right-a this way!

Get yourself another hero, kid. I'm all washed up.

Hello, Ned. Hey, Comic Book Guy. Krusty the Clown, I thought he was dead. Yeah. I guess you ain't been to too many supermarket openings lately. (GROANS) You know, Chloe, some of us stayed in this town and made it a better place. Oh, come on, Marge.

Oh, look at the time. I better scoot to that halftime show. See y'all! Man, that's gonna be some show. Who's ready for some football? Football!

for a wife's well-being in my life. You just won yourselves a motorcycle! Whoo-hoo! Whoo-Whoo! It's mine! Finally I've won the respect of my fellow m-- Get away from it! Okay, hepcats. Let's twirl some more platters at Greaser's Cafe,

(GASPING) He's married. Change course! Carol must be warned! Now that Mr. Burns has eliminated the drug plan, we're gonna have to cut back on our diseases.

Thank you, Homer, for saving my plant with that idiotic rhyming! Do you even know what button you pushed?! Sure-- moe.

Anybody home ? Ooh, I've got to go, Homer.

My poem has become an elegy. An elegy no one will ever hear. Well, at least some good came out of today. Bart, you're grounded for a year! I'll just pay the fine. Okay. Three bucks. Why don't you publish your poem? Publish it myself? Why not?

Start them off with the Touch of Death and go from there. I think they've learned their lesson, Lise. We want to see the Touch of Death. Come on, Karate Kid, Waste me.

It's raining again.

Lisa, be perfect. Okay. Marge, perfect. Bart, perfect. Other kid, perfect. I only have five lobsters. Are you sure he's not bringing anyone with him? No. No. He doesn't know he's coming to dinner. I didn't think he'd come, so I said I have something really important to tell him... and that I could only tell him about it here.

So that's it. The crazy nut, he went and bought her a sloop! Well, this is one love boat that won't delight and amuse. Wait, Chief. He's not purchasing a boat. Arr! It's kind of you to deliver these copies of jugs.

Is 3:15 good for you ? Uh, not really. Too bad. Oh, no. Oh, man, that guy's tough to love.

Hey. So whoever it is who wrote that note... wants to meet us here tonight? This is so cool, Bart. We're just like Woodward and Bernstein. Yeah, except their dad wasn't waiting in the car reading Archie comics. Stuck-up Riverdale punks! Think they're too good for me!

Mom, why are you so worried about money? Oh, we're just saving for a very rainy day. You mean when the big tuna goes belly-up? Huh? Well, I just think we should be building a nest egg. Way ahead of you, Marge.

You're the village idiot. Now, allow me to apply this rubber cement to your face to represent the ravages of plague. Ach! My face! What drunken call girl will have me now? Oh! (RENAISSANCE MUSIC PLAYING)

Ooh, I can see her logo and everything. Oh! Heh! Hey, come back! Hey, I love you! Hey! Oh!

Wow, Mr. McClure! I was a Grade A moron to ever question eating meat. Yes, you were, jimmy. Yes, you were. Ow. You're hurting me.

Mr. Flanders, why are you moving? Because I had a vision of myself shooting your father. In this neighborhood, who hasn't? Well, you can't fight fate.

Oh, my God! Someone has to go back in for Maggie. Forget Maggie. She's gone. I've got Maggie. Wow, that was close. Well, thanks a lot, Homer.

Oh, oh, oh! You're so not listening! Okay, i hear that. i hear that, dudes!

You su-diddly-uck, Flanders! Give me that. Hear ye! Hear ye! Ye old town crier proclaimed crappy by all. Chooseth Homer Simpson, and he shalt rock thy world.

Of course I do. You're always right about this type of thing, and for once I want in on the ground floor. Oh, thanks, Dad. Ralph. "A." Janey. "A." And, Lisa, for your-- essay, "jebediah Springfield: Super-Fraud," "F." But it's all true.

Breaker, breaker. Bartman to shut-in.

That was a right pretty speech, sir. But I ask you, what is a contract? Webster's defines it as "an agreement under the law which is unbreakable." "Which is unbreakable"!

He did it! Look at your heroic daddy in there, making funny faces, falling to the floor, shedding his hair, lying perfectly still-- Oh, dear. Sir--

Two: Whenever Poochie's not on screen, all the other characters should be asking, "Where's Poochie?" Three-- Great. Great. just leave them right there on the floor on your way out. Okay, so, anyway--

I'm better than you (AUDIENCE BOOING) You suck, Johnny Rainbow! I believed in you! (GROANS) No! (SOBBING) You sabotaged Cameron for me.

Bart, you’re suing us? Yes. I want to be emancipated. Emancipated? Dont you like being a dude? No, Dad. It means Bart would be a legal adult and free to move out ofthe house. I wanted a sewing room, but not like this. Not like this!

What's happening to me? Okay. Retrace your steps. Woke up, fought with Marge,

I'm not licked yet. I can entertain myself. No matter how good a movie is, it can't compare... to the imagination of a small boy.

Bart, with these powers, we can become superheroes. Okay. So do it already.

Call me... Abraham Simpson. Grampa, how'd you take off your underwear without taking off your pants? I don't know! Ehh!

You are absolutely, positively the dumbest... haunted Love Tester that I have ever met! What is going on in here? Um, uh, oh, uh, I might as well come clean with ya.

I want you to pretend this dummy right here is your mother. Okay, I'll try. Tell this dummy mother exactly how you feel... right now. I'm annoyed with you, Mother. Not just annoyed, angry. I'm a grown man now, and I can run my own life!

Well, good-bye. Uh, Homer, there's a hidden message to this song... that you may have missed.

in an orgy of blood and kicking... and the biting with the metal teeth and the hurting and shoving. How much time do we have, Professor? Well, according to my calculations,

Mm-hmm. We'll beat it before they throw the bouquet. "F," "L"-- Oh, no. I'm sorry. That's a "C," isn't it ? If that was an oncoming vehicle, you'd be dead now. Next ! But, uh-- But driving is my livelihood. Oh, take it like a man.

Why are you in your underwear? Hey, this ain't the Ritz. At least let's have a civilized conversation, shall we? Lisa, how was school? How was what? What? - School! School! - It's not time for school. I know it's not time-- I'm going into the dining room to have a conversation.

That guy's hilarious. I especially like his white shirt and blue pants. Wait a second. Angry Dad is me. Yeah. Didn't you know? You've been world famous for an hour now. You're the Internet's number one non-porno site. Which makes you ten-trillionth over all.

To make this plant economically viable... youve gotta lay off 112 people. If you dont patch the leak in cooling tower two, you will go to jail. Oh, I need a vacation! This is your vacation. Cant I water-ski a little bit? Fine.

Couldn't ya? Hey, wait up! Looks like a long wait to get in. Not for friends of Moe's. Oi! Oi! Is your name on the list? Don't you know who I am? It's okay, Cecil. They're V.I.P.s. Cecil is a girl's name.

Simpson ! Well, I wine them, I... dine them, bring them flowers, write them love poetry, sir.

Well, we're not the only ones to be unjustly imprisoned. Check out all the left-wing celebrities. Elmo go to wrong fundraiser.

LENNY: Hey, where's my presents? WOMAN: Some jerk stole Christmas! Oh, I've been robbed! Man, so this is how it feels. I'd better see my shrink and rob his ass! Someone snuck in and took our presents.

No one made it out alive. Not even Willie! Skinner! I don't mean to interrupt your advice from the janitor, but I say cut off the head and the body will die. You want to get rid of Lisa? But she's such a good student.

Now I'm gonna find the real killers. Kids, that cartoon's not life-affirming. We're going to watch a show... about the everyday problems of angels. Now back to Good Heavens. Jesus called today. He did? I'm bored.

Lisa, get ahold of yourself. This is "lamb," not "a lamb." What's the difference between this lamb and the one that kissed me? This one spent two hours in the broiler. Bart, sensible bites! All right, Lisa. If you don't want lamb chops, there's lots of other things I can make. Chicken breast, rump roast,

Bart, honey, I made you an extra warm sweater you can wear while you're down in the well. Mom, it's too big. You'll grow into it. Homer! I've done a lot of bad stuff through the years.

Oh, no! Oh, what a tragedy. That car was just two days away from retirement.

So, Mr. Simpson, you admit you grabbed her can. What do you have to say in your defense? Mr. Simpson, your silence will only incriminate you further. No, Mr. Simpson. Don't take your anger out on me. Get back! Get back! M-Mr. Simpson, no!

- Ooh-ooh! - There she is. There she is, the world's first convenience store. This isn't very convenient. Must you dump on everything we do?

Clothes! We're saved! - Oh, these have pleats. - just grab 'em! I'm okay, honey. Now listen very carefully.

I can't betray him. I'm afraid you have no choice. And remember, this information is highly classified. Cheese! Good morning, Agent Johnson. The film you are about to see--

Oh, great. Now you're gonna make fun of me.

Get ready for two weeks at the Happiest Place on Earth-- Tijuana! South of the border down mexico way that's where I fell in love

Foolish dingo. You must find and devour the seven crystal babies... or spend eternity trapped in deep didgeridoo!

Hey, wait a minute! just because I'm wearing pink doesn't mean I'm some kind of pink doughnut-eater... although it is tempting. Drop that doughnut. Let's go, pinky.

- Oh, McBain. - mmM.

"Takin' Care of Business"! Don't worry, sir. We'll get to that one. No talkin'! No new crap! "Takin' Care of Business" now! You get up every mornin' from your alarm clock's warnin' Take the 8:15 into the city Get to the "workin' overtime" part! Unbelievable.

Balzac. No need for potty mouth just because you can't think of one. But Balzac is the name. If ifs and buts were candy and nuts-- - Uh, how does the rest of that go? - Please, just promise you won't buy an air conditioner till we've figured out a way to help Lisa. All right, all right. I promise.

Now he faces his toughest audience-- three Siberian tigers. Simba, on the ball. Aaah! Not the face! Ah, they'll be chewing on him for a while.

Twenty-five? Whoa! Oh, I'm sorry, Mr. "S," but I gotta check everybody. What, are you kidding? I take it as a compliment. Three beers, please. Hey! Join the party!

and, uh, I think I know how a proton accelerator works. Well, please come down and show us. All right. I will. - In there, guys. - Thanks, Homer.

Ohh! I think I just "seltzered" myself. Shut up, Updike! Listen, honey, a lot of kids think of me as their daddy. But I'm just a simple TV legend. Here, have a key chain. No. I'm sure you're my father.

Hi, Mrs. Simpson. My mom said I'm not to look at you. What’s with the belt, Mom? ts for my back spasms. lf guys didnt keep pinching my tush, I'd never stand up straight. I thought you liked all the attention you were getting.

Pum-pum-pum Come, they told me Hey! It's respected private citizen, Tom Landry! And South American sensation, Shooshisha-- Shooshashi-- Shoosh-- Oh, boy! Uhh!

There's no place for me here. Where you going, Reverend? The towns that way. Reverend? You’re going the wrong way!

Thinking of saying good-bye to gas? You betcha. Bart! Well, that shut me up. Hello. I, uh, love your planet deeply... and am interested in purchasing one of your electronic autos. Well, it's always nice to meet people...

Please don't tell the supervisor I have the flu. I've been working with a shattered pelvis for three weeks.

But I'm using my whole ass. Dad, it's just that too much of your love can really be... scary.

Or which of the Three Stooges had the heaviest brain? Hmm. Larry: 3.2 kilograms. - Fascinating! - Ah.

Military school? You lied to me! Well, I'm sorry if you heard Disneyland, but I distinctly said military school.

How's that fire ring coming? Is it sacred yet? Almost.

but jimmy Carter is smarter. Okay, Sherman, you're a movie expert. So tell us, who's gay? Oh, I don't know. Harvey Fierstein.

There, I finally said it. Drop the cone, sugar! Whoa. Whoopsie. Take her away, boys.

- (GRUNTS) - (GROANS) Come on. You tell him right now. Ned, Homer has something to tell you. (GROANS) Uh... I'm thinking about getting a yogurt franchise. It's called Plops. It's... (SCREAMS)

I took the trouble to learn your name. The least you can do is learn mine. Okay, "Grimey." - Uh-- You're eating my special dietetic lunch. - Huh? Uh-- Oh, I'm sorry. The bag was clearly marked. Please be more careful in the future.

Aaaah ! Don't ever do that to me again ! - Okay. - Doh ! Bart ! Aah ! Get away from that thing and help me find my athletic equipment. Mmm. Hey, Homer I found your weights. Oh, the Glutemus Maximizer.

Homer over here. Flanders, I want to give you your stuff back. Well, there's no house to put it in, Homer. Not since that nice fellow from the bank-- who was only doing his job-- came and locked it up. You're living in your car?

Hmm! You know, Homer, the traditional way to cheat in golf... is to lower your score. That's one way. I'm P.G.A. Tour Pro Tom Kite.

Ah, that could've been me. CLETUS: Aw, I wish it had've been. (SOBS) Now that Brandine's famous, she done run off with James Caan. But don't you worry. I'm gonna fix his wagon.

Get that cat out of the way! Aah! My socks!

You can count on us, Mr. President. Major Nougat, Gooey, Cocoa, put down those entertaining Mattel products. Colonel Ga-taffy is up to his old tricks. Let's power up! I can't believe they canceled us for this--

Mm, not enough commercial appeal. "Wendy Windbag"? "Ugly Doris"? "Hortense, the Mule-Faced Doll"? I think we should name her after Lisa. We'll call her "Lisa Lionheart." No, "Loudmouth Lisa!" "Stupid Lisa Garbage Face!"

Hey, Homer. Come in here. Hi, Moe. Where's your waitress? She left to pursue a movie career. Frankly, I think she was better off here.

Bye-bye, everybody! Oh, it's a dream come true, boy. I can-- Nay, I must eat everything I've always wanted. Now, come on. Every second I'm out of bed, I'm burning precious calories. Now get grabbin'.

The science is Carl. MARTIN: Oh, Lisa! I'd like to introduce you to the next winner of the science fair! Behold, my project! Childlike Humanoid Urban Muchacho! Or CHUM! Don't hold my hand. It's creepy.

You coward! You're an embarrassment to the name Hellfish! Oh, am I? No! Look! Take the art if you want. just don't hurt the boy. Hmm. I'd rather do both.

There he is! There's the man that sexually harassed me! Oh. Whew! For a minute there, I thought I was in big trouble. It's just-- D'oh!

Let's start in the kitchen. Now, pretend I'm a baby. Me like to explore. That's a pretty big caboose for a baby. Homer, don't be-- Wow, that is huge.

for the next five minutes I'm going to party like it's on sale for 19.99. Quick, quick. No time to cook them. They will plump in my stomach.

I'm gonna make it. I'm gonna make it! This is the greatest thrill of my life! I'm king of the world! Whoo-hoo! Whoo-hoo! I--

Mom, will you make me breakfast? There's a stuffed pepper in the trash from last night. just rinse it good. Come home, Lassie. Here, boy. Come on, girl. Attaboy.

Hello! I am Llewellyn Sinclair. I have directed three plays in my career, and I have had three heart attacks. That's how much I care. I'm planning for a fourth. Maybe I should have taken a nice calligraphy class. Oh, forget about it. That Mr. Takahashi's a lunatic.

- Sorry. - Didilly--

Oh, no? The snow's melted. We can go outside again.

Mr. Simpson will now be autographing 8-by-10 glossies of Poochie. One per customer. Please form a line. There will be no cutting. I'm talking to you, Mr. Cutter. Pardon me. Look out. Pardon me. Excuse me. Hot soup. Hi. Kindly make one out to me...

Shush! What would you say about a man who owns his own house and his own car? That's Ned Flanders! A man who's not afraid to cry. Hey, Ned! So that's why you maced me. Yeah.

Maybe it's the TV. Stupid TV. Be more funny! Well, sir, I think it is time to turn this pledge drive... over to Troy McClure. I can't keep up this pace forever. Hi, I'm Troy McClure. You might remember me from such telethons as...

Mmm! Here he is, Rex Harrison and Paul Anka rolled into one. Ooh!

How could you soil the good name of Star Blitzzz Promotions? Oh, come on, Lisa. We've always used pop stars to recruit people. Going back to Elvis. Then there was Sgt. Pepper's, the Captain & Tennille, and the Kiss army. But you have recruiting ads on TV.

Why, that's just john and Frank. Ich bin ein Springfielder. They'll bring their own people in. This ain't good. We could all lose our jobs. Look at all those worried faces... except for Lenny. He looks great. This is the worst day of my life.

Wha-- Dad, where are you? Tonight on Wings-- Ah, who cares?

I guess you'll be missing a week of school, young lady. Oh, no ! I don't wanna fall behind my class.

He cheated. He's got it written on his arm. (HOMER LAUGHING) Welcome to the jungle, Kevin! (GASPS) First communion? Oh, we've gotta stop 'em now! Once they seal the deal, there's no turning back! Just like the Jews with their snippety-snip.

I don't think that's a good idea. Hmm." Take that, Marge. Thank you, thank you. And now, the all-new comedy stylings of...

Hmm. Should the Simpsons get a horse? Excuse me, but I believe this family already had a horse, and the expense forced Homer to work at the Kwik-E-Mart with hilarious consequences. Anybody care what this guy thinks? No! Mmm.

So what dance style were you interested in? We have ever so many. There's ballroom. Ow! You stepped on my toes again! If you would just let me lead-- - You're not a leader, Seymour. Never have been, never will be. - Oh! There's square dancing.

Hi, Homie. It's really starting to snow. I think you should come home. But, Marge, Alan Thicke is throwing knives at Ricardo Montalban. Ow. Sorry, Ricardo. Take it easy, folks. It's "snow" picnic out there. I "snow" what you mean. You're deadweight, Marty.

I tried to explain to you, sir, this thing has never actually worked. Smithers, you must believe. (GRUNTING)

I'm a robber. Help! All this does is shoot bubbles. Silly String! Kids, I'll go find your mother. Dad, we're canceling the rest ofthe play. What play? What the hell is he talking about?

Look at that. Right on Ned's lawn. Now, how could you do such a thing? Good boy. Don't stop now. Bad dog! I condemn you to hell. Better get the old snow shovel back from Homer, huh? Good boy. Don't stop the music. Marge Simpson. Still making juice the old-fashioned way?

Sit down and shut up!

Oh, all right. What a-- Burn it! Send it to hell! I think we're going to have to get Bart some help. Get it away. - Bart, Son? You want to play catch? - No. When a boy doesn't want to play catch with his old man, something is seriously wrong. I'll play catch with you, Son.

Hey, Simpson, wanna trade belts? Well, not really, 'cause yours is just a piece of extension cord. Hey, dude, he's raggin' on your cord. Get him! No running! Time for a little evasive action.

Oh, Homer. So, the truth comes out. Hand over all your money in a paper bag. Oh, Krusty, how could you ? I know it looks very bad, honey. Who knows,

Sweet screams. i'm unbelievably amused. Soon those bratty buttinskies will be encased in Lucite for all eternity.

We need to lay down some ground rules. We'll get to that. Right now, I think we need some time apart. All right, that's it. Shoo, you stupid crows! Shoo! Shoo! Shoo! That is not a worm!

You bean counter, give it up. Simpson's my man. Hey, way to save our lives. Yeah, we owe you one. Well, you know, boys a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman-- you just read the manual and press the right button. Simpson?

Hey ! Wha-- Come on, you stupid tube ! Hmm. Looks like there's a jam in Delta sector. It's too big to be human. Send down a few kids. That should dislodge it. Roger.

Well, thank you, Mr. Blow-The-Picture-For-Me. Marge, you're as pretty as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

Weren't we afraid of him just a few days ago? We're complex. All right, who can take a story and blow it way out of proportion? I'm your man, boss! I want you to over-hype this story so much, it makes the New York Post look like The New York Times. Or The New York Times look like the New York Post.

so I'd be a super-hypocrite if I didn't love your gay marriage, right? Now, Patty, here's a veil I picked out just for you. Mmm. (SNIFFS) Smells like cheeseburgers. Give it back! (SNIFFS) (SIGHS) Why are we dressed as "Sunday Best Simpsons" for dinner with Aunt Patty?

I'm sorry, ma'am, but everything on the menu has fish in it. What about the bread? Does that have much fish in it? Yes.

Kids are running wild, Kent. And I blame Mr. and Mrs. Neverspank. Uh-oh. We'll-- We'll have to bleep their names.

Wait! I have discovered more lines on the parchment. It says that the prohibition law which was passed here 200 years ago...

Hmm! I really should read the whole headline before I react.

It's me, Ronaldo! Ronaldo! Yes. I am Flamenco Flamingo. And it all started with the dancing shoes you bought me. Why didn't you tell me? I tried to write, but I didn't know what state you lived in. It's a bit of a mystery, yes, but if you look at the clues, you can figure it out.

Okay. Camera two. Uh, excuse me. This is a restricted area. Take a hike, Kojak!

Smithers? My parents insisted I give it a try, sir. Mayor Quimby! Uh, well, that could be any mayor.

Attention, everyone. The punch has been spiked! Don't worry. Your parents have been called and will be here to pick you up shortly! Yea!

I could love a Chinese girl an Eskimo or-- Get off of my stage, fat boy.

And, now, ladies and gentlemen, let's get ready to rumble!

Is 3:15 good for you ? Uh, not really. Too bad.

Now let's see how our blind dates liked each other. Oh, I really felt there was a connection. And I would definitely go out with her again. He smelled like puke!

Okay, this is gettin' weird.

Behold the can of mystery! The label vanished many years ago. What strange wonders lie inside? Treasure, dog food? Whoa! Some things man is not meant to know.

(GASPS) Ooh. Bart! Honey, I'm so sorry! No problem.

He loves A smoke enjoys A joke Why, he's worth 10 times what he earns he's Mr. Burns I'm Mr. Burns he's monty burns I'm Mr. Burns! To friends he's known As monty but to you it's Mr. Burns bur-bur-bur-bur-bur burns burns!

This man's an illegal alien. That's preposterous. Zutroy here is as American as apple pie. Mr. Burns. This plant violates every labor law in the book. We found a missing Brazilian soccer team working in your reactor core.

She's a lady all right. A beautiful lady.

If a cow ever got the chance, he'd eat you and everyone you care about. Wow, Mr. McClure! I was a Grade A moron to ever question eating meat.

So, what's it gonna be, me little bucko ? Hm, let's see. This evening I shall go for the... - squid platter, - Ew. with extra tentacles, please. Oh, Bart. Excuse me, sir. The party next door seems to be a little raucous.

I see the switch, but where's the blade? (CLICKING) D'oh! Found it. An eye patch? But I've got a date tonight. Oh, don't worry. Chicks love that kind of thing. Patches, scars, stumps.

If word gets out about this, Cwazy Clown Airlines will be a laughingstock. In exchange for your silence, I'm prepared to offer your family free tickets to anywhere in the United States,

I love you. Will you marry me, Marge? You mean, I'm gonna be a daddy? I hope we'll always be together, together, together-- Together?

Hey ! What ? What ? Oh, my. Where are we supposed to get a sitter on such short notice ? Oh, dear. If we can't find a baby-sitter, we can't go. What a kick in the teeth. What do you need a baby-sitter for ? I'm almost ten and a half. Mom, you wouldn't dare. Don't take that tone with me, young lady,

Woo-hoo! Hey, wait a minute. This isn't Marge.

I'm happy to report that the flow of illegal liquor seems to have dried up, public drunkenness has ceased, and those mysterious liquor clouds... over Evergreen Terrace are gone. People, Rex Banner has won your war against alcohol!

It begins! Give me that! Stop him! Barney, no! Give me that bottle! No! No! No! Hey! Uh-oh. Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!

Whoo, whoo! Hmm. A bland, timid entry, suitable perhaps for patients recovering from surgery. That Simpson. He thinks he's the pope of chili town. Well!

chasing my many cars, drinking from my many toilets. Who wouldn't? Mom, don't give the puppies to him. He'll be mean to them. She's right, Homer. There's something about his face I don't trust.

Hmm. Cable's out. Think I'll have a beer. Hmm. Not a drop in the house. What do you know? Homer, I'm impressed. - You're taking this quite well. - I'll kill you! I'll kill all of you!

Milhouse, if you tell anyone, I'll tell the world you wet your pants watching Harry Potter. I wasn't scared. I was just peeing! Look, if you tell what I did, I'll get in trouble. You gotta do something! I want my dad back! (GRUNTING) (CROWD CHEEERING)

D'oh! Say it, Burns! Say I never shot you... before. Shot? By you? I'm afraid not, my primitive friend.

Hallelujah! Now I can show all of you what I've come to realize. The reason we're not allowed in the forbidden barn... is because there is no intergalactic spaceship. He's taken our money just so he can...

For there will be no fire truck for little Bart, no sweater for little Lisa, no Cajun sausage for little Homer. So while you're home today... eating your sweet, sweet holiday turkey, I hope you'll all choke just a little bit.

But if anything happens-- What could happen ? They are all against you, Bart. You must kill them all. They all must die.

Son ! You saved me from losing all my money. For the first time in my life, I'm glad I had children. So, uh, have you figured out who gets the money ?

But, but I... Poor Lisa Poor Lisa Don't cry for me kids of Springfield You can still reach me through e-mail

Hey, did you go to Hollywood Upstairs Medical College too? And remember, if you're not sure about something, rub it against a piece of paper. If the paper turns clear, it's your window to weight gain. Bye-bye, everybody!

"Ding, dong. The sounds of the Liberty Bell. Ding-- freedom. Dong-- opportunity. Ding-- excellent schools. Dong-- quality hospitals." "When America was born on that hot july day in 1776,

Quick ! Everybody look busy. The Lord has handed down to us Ten Commandments by which to live. I will now read them in no particular order. "Thou shalt not make any graven images." Oh, my God ! "Thou shalt not commit adultery."

Well, then, who shot all the gangsters? I must have a guardian angel. With a rifle.

(ALL GASPING) Who would sign such an order? "As ordered by Principal Skinner "and approved by Student Body President Lisa Simpson!" (ALL GASPING) And to think I was gonna ask you to the dance! I would've gone with you. Well, you still can!

Whoa! Okay, if you're gonna live in my room, you're gonna obey my rules. One: I am Bart, thy god. If I am out, the Krusty doll is thy god. If the doll's with me, you will worship the night-light. - Should the night-light be unable to fulfill its duties-- - Shut up.

My little girl's sharp as a tack. I tried the "got your nose" bit on her, didn't fool her for a second.

Smithers, guess what happened to me last night? I don't know, sir. You had sex with that old woman? She said "No" to me. Do you know how many women have said "No" to me? 130-- But only one since I've become a billionaire. And she's the one for me. I'm in love!

We'll be safe inside our fortress when they come We'll be safe from creeps and killers when they come Unless they have a blow torch or a poison gas injector Then I don't know what'll happen when they come

Excuse me? Better? Thanks a lot, Marge. You put me in my place. Oh, Homer... It's worth feeling three inches tall to find out what kind of person you are Marge Simpson, president of the "We Love Flanders" fan club. Fee, fi, fo, fum!

...Moe! It's called a Flaming Moe. That's right, a Flaming Moe. My name is Moe, and I invented it. What are you looking at, Homer? It's A flaming moe. Oh! Oh! Hey, what's this?

- And that's it, right? - Yup. Oh, then after your final monthly payment, there's the routine C.B.P., or crippling balloon payment. But that's not for a while, right? Right. Sweet. Whoo! Hello! Whoo! Hey, baby!

Oh! You got it! Ow! Ow! Ooh, blood. What the-- If this is anyone but Steve Allen, you're stealing my bit. Somebody ought to ruin Gabbo's career the way he ruined Krusty's.

Oh, no ! Earlier this evening, the Springfield SWAT team... apprehended the TV clown, who appears on a rival station... opposite our own Emmy Award-winning Hobo Hank. And just in, actual footage of the crime... taken with the Kwik-E-Mart security camera.

Oh, I couldn't read it. The letters are all blurry. Is it possible all your misbehavior and miserable grades... have been caused by a simple vision disorder? You mean it ain't me noggin', it's me Peepers? Oh, well, that's just "loverly."

Bart, why did you take the blame? 'Cause I didn't want you to wreck your life. You got the brains and talent to go as far as you want and when you do I'll be right there to borrow money.

Uh-oh. (MUTTERING NERVOUSLY) (DONKEY BRAYING) What did you say about my mother! (YELLING)

Eww! Slimy. Uh-oh! Moving. Aha! Aw. Twenty dollars. I wanted a peanut. Twenty dollars can buy many peanuts. Explain how. Money can be exchanged for goods and services. Whoo-hoo! Whoa!

Well, howdy, strangers. What can I do ya for?

Waste your strength, you big, ugly catfish.

It passed noon while I was speaking, so that was technically accurate. He's crazy.

Maggie, you can have my books. And Bart, I'll see you in hell, you booger-eating wuss! That's right! We all know! (CRUNCHING) Ah! Bones! Copyright Pink Pony Productions. Visit us on the web at lisathemovie.com.

Oh, and could you stop calling us nerds?

Bart, do you want to see my new chainsaw and hockey mask? Oh, sorry. What am I thinking?

so you'll have to lick my thumb before I can turn the page. Oh. Can't I just turn the page for you?

Hi. I'm Chuck. I live in his trunk. So how much you look-alikes make? 'Cause some say I look like Macaulay Culkin. Ahh!

Stop it! Stop it, stop it! You and Lisa better go find homes for these puppies. And don't just dump them all off on some crazy lady.

Maybe you could be a dunce, Father. Really? Hey! What do you think? Do you love it? Oh, I'm no dunce! I was born an oaf and I'll die an oaf.

It's... beautiful.

he needs some time away to think. But you’re not gonna get divorced like Milhouse’s parents, are you? Oh, no, no. This is nothing like Milhouse’s parents. Now, if you need me, I'll be staying with Milhouse’s father.

Bart, there will be no further interruptions... during Martin's book report.

But by then I had made so many friends here. What you're saying is so understandable. And, really, your only crime was violating U.S. law. Oh, you are one of the good ones. You know what? I'm going to vote no on 24. Mom, you're the greatest!

This story is as dark as those new Milky Way bars.

(GASPING) All right, that's it. Show's over! Five, six, so long, hicks! Whoa, whoa, whoa. You don't want to go in there.

Sure, go ahead. Come on! Get-- Get in there! D'oh! Stupid game! Now what were we talking about? My daughter's violin! Oh, right. Why don't we just break into Fat Tony's compound and get it back? Really? You'd help me take on the mob?

Mmm-hmm. (BOTH GIGGLING) Hey, Marge! Howdy, partner! Why don't you sit next to us? Hey, Moe. Haven't seen you in a while. Yeah. How you doing there, Homer? Did you ever pass that G.I. Joe you swallowed? How do you know about that? Oh, Marge told me. We share everything. You do?

"Please excuse my handwriting. "I busted whichever hand it is I write with. Signed, Mrs. Simpson." You were right to be suspicious, Edna. To the crime lab. Hmm. Inconclusive. I wish more students had agreed to these electronic tracking implants.

Ahh, the Simpsons

It's over there. The Soviet Union will be pleased to offer amnesty to your wayward "wessel." The Soviet Union? I thought you guys broke up. Yes! That's what we wanted you to think!

You'd be surprised how often that works. You really would.

Will you be my mommy?

Does anyone have change for a button? Wow, this really restores your faith in-- Lisa! Do you have to practice that stupid song now? Sorry, Daddy. Hey, heard some no-goodnik stole your tree. Well, we got a 30-footer, so you can have the top of ours. Thanks, Ted.

Okay. Now as for food, the following breeds of dog are edible-- See ya!

Good Lord! It's coming up right behind him! What the-- No! No!

Dad! What is it, sweetie? Did you see a scary picture in your picture book? That was last year's taxes. You have to pay again this year.

I was wrong to have a dream, wrong as usual. I mean, if you're nothing special, why kid yourself? Oh, Mom, no. Listen to your mother, kids. Aim low. Aim so low, no one will even care if you succeed.

But don't you set foot in the state of Florida again. Fine. There are plenty of other states that are happy to have us. Well, we're still welcome in North Dakota and Arizona. Arizona smells funny. North Dakota, here we come.

Mom, I am not-- i can't hear you!

I wash myself with a rag on a stick. Whoo-ooh-ooh. Euw! Mom! This whole thing is really creepy. Are you sure you won't talk to Dad?

The Simpsons D'oh!

Match point-- Homer. - I'm sorry, honey. - It's okay. We're none of us perfect.

A garbageman. I know you are, but what am I? A garbageman. Takes one to know one. Checkmate. Hey, kid, stop wearin' your backpack over one shoulder. We invented that. Copycats! You copied us!

What are you gonna spend your money on, kids? There's a special on tacos down at the Taco Mat-- hundred tacos for $100-- I'm gonna get that. I'm gonna contribute my money to the Corporation for Public Broadcasting. Tacos? Public broadcasting? I won't have you kids throwing away your money like that.

It's so tough to be a parent these days, what with all the gangs and the drugs. Oh, yeah, drugs. You gotta have drugs. Hey, he didn't pay the cover. Oh, Bart, he's your father. We'll comp him tonight, start a tab tomorrow. - Oh, I hope I didn't miss the floor show. - Nope.

Nothing beats a stroll in cattle country. Hi, I'm Troy McClure. You may remember me from such educational films as Two Minus Three Equals Negative Fun! And Firecrackers: The Silent Killer. Mr. McClure?

Look, this one's coming onto me. Yoo-hoo, Mr. Robot.

I shall close the register at this point and state that 99 cents is the rental price. Oh, then may I please rent it, please? You may not. I am all out. Though I do have a surprising abundance... of Lee Carvallo's Putting Challenge. Ohh!

Oh, now, please. I-- I thought saints were supposed to be friendly. You, you're just lucky God isn't here.

All right ! All right ! I'll walk in the mud ! - Homer ? - Marge ? Yeah. You want a ride ? Sure. You know, Homer, when I got home, I realized who I should have gone to the prom with. Who ? Oh.

He'll be back. As for your case, don't you worry.

The hair! The hair! Slut! Loser! Skank! Skank! Skank! I'm feeling kind of low, Apu. Got any of that beer that has candy floating in it? You know, SkittlebrÄu? Such a product does not exist, sir. I think you must have dreamed it.

They'll elevate us to the status of kings on Earth! Mr. Simpson, we all have nosebleeds. Oh, for the love of--

It's not A real car, grampa. "Allen gins-burgers"? "Un-American Cheese Sandwich"? "Polio Dogs"? It's clever how the names remind you of thE '50s, and at the same time, tell you what there is to eat. Hmm. Hmm? Wow! Look at this old-timey gizmo.

"Cases won in 30 minutes or your Pizza's free." Hmm. I'd sell my soul for a Formula One racing car. That can be arranged. Changed my mind. Sorry. - Cool. - Bart, stop pestering Satan!

The stars are sweetly wrinkled We are the fruit That your grandmother loves Yeah...

Ha-ha! Now we're even! This is your captain.

Well, I guess he'll be happy when he comes to. We won! We won! All right! Homer! Homer! Homer!

Lemonade ? Please. I made it just for you. You are my best friend. Itchy and Scratchy seem to have lost their edge.

Hmm. Moe's Tavern. Hello. Is Al there? Al? Yeah, Al. Last name Coholic. Let me check. Phone call for Al-- Al Coholic. ...uh, jock Strap. Is I.P. Freely here?

Homie, how long do you plan to do this?

Sure is sunny. Was the air always this fresh? I'm just gonna hang out in this vent! Does this thing suck or blow? Suuuuu--

Work the stomach. Mmm. That takes me back. pp Check out those non-skybox losers... watching hockey without sushi. If you can call that hockey. Hey, Homer's looking down his nose at us. Let's take Mr. Figgy Pudding down a peg.

"Wet cement!" Is there any sweeter sign? Well, maybe "high voltage."

Good night and have a pleasant tomorrow.

Springfield was shocked today to learn it will host the next Olympics. Economists predict our city will experience the same boom... that Sarajevo enjoyed after the 1984 Games. And it's all because of your letter, Lisa.

Groundskeeper Willie, Groundskeeper Willie's enemy Seamus. Ah, yes, Seamus. Ninety minutes of watching a man drink in a bathtub. Well, I think we should try the Springfield Speakers Bureau. Good idea. Seamus, uh, we won't need you to speak anymore. What? Oh, this is your doing, Willie.

Renaissance dandy, country-western octopus... (GASPING) It's gone! That man and his foolish pride. We've gotta go follow him. Hmm. (GIGGLES) I just wanted to see what it was like. (IN SOUTHERN ACCENT) Howdy, y'all. If you don't like my song, I'll spray you with ink!

Mrs. Simpson, there's no physical reason... why your hair should be falling out. This thing has me buffaloed.

What-- How did I get here? We found you smoldering in the bushes. That's it. We're just going to have to pay for that call to Brazil. What call to Brazil?

Oh, Homey. Here the kids have a chance to see a great work of art, and instead they're home watching a cat and mouse disembowel each other. Hey, don't worry, Marge. Pretty soon, every boy and girl in Springfield Elementary School is gonna come see this thing. Really ? Why ? They're forcing 'em !

I object. Judge, sidebar? Very well. Judge, do you have a little sister? Yes. She used to call me "Fatty Boomalatty." I'll allow an Indian burn. Thank you, Your Honor. LISA: Ow! Your Honor, can you please focus on the case at hand? I'm sorry. My wife left me this morning.

with a message from the principal's office. All students please proceed immediately to an assembly... in the Butthead Memorial Auditorium. Damn it, I wish we hadn't let the students name that one.

He said it was his day to use the tub pillow.

That's a spicy meatball! The man chosen to deliver this precious cargo to Europe... was America's wealthiest, and therefore most trustworthy, citizen-- C. Montgomery Burns.

Our one effort to put a stop to this Lisa Lionheart thing has failed miserably. Gentlemen, we have to reinvent Malibu Stacy for the '90s. We'll stay here all night, if need be. Can we order Chinese food? Yes. You know a good place?

except your soul ! What's gotten into Lisa ? Beats the hell outta me. - Bart ! - Aah !

Huh? This isn't my wand. It's a Twizzler.

Eh? Eh? I didn't do it. Thank you. Thank you. And now, the "I didn't do it" dancers!

That's the same thing. You just replaced "dees" with "dos." D'oh! Hi. I have a request. I would like you to do a tribute to Bleeding Gums Murphy, please.

I'll get us out of this. Say, Dad. Wanna go see my project for the school science fair? No, Lisa. But I sure don't wanna eat this crappy breakfast. Here, little fella.

Hmm. Larry: 3.2 kilograms. - Fascinating! - Ah.

So you're worried about your genes, huh? Well, does it hurt when you go like this? No. Then will you turn this projector on for me? I think the film should answer all your questions.

Huh? D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh!

You know, if you guys hadn't tied me up, I could be saving the comic as we speak. Shut up. Shut up. Help me, Bart. I didn't even want the comic.

It's Sideshow Bob! You wrote me those letters. You awful man! Stay away from my son. Oh, I'll stay away from your son, all right. Stay away... forever. Oh, no!

Hello? I hear breathing, but I don't hear talking. What's going on? Hello? Mister? Some people got nothing to do but call and hang up. There's all kinds of mishagoyim. Our next caller is a Springfield boy.

Oh, no! My favorite aggie!

Welcome, kindergarteners. I'm Principal Sinner-- Skinner. Well, that's it. I've lost them forever.

From the schoolhouse where our grandparents learnt To the bad zoo where all the animals burnt We're home to Christian Muslim and Jew Although not many of the last two

Now when the mama bird returns to feed her babies we'll have a prize-winning picture. Lisa, people these days don't wanna see a baby bird. They wanna see celebrities at their worst. Mmm. Mmm. Is that Rainier Wolfcastle? Check out the gut. It's for a movie.

Horseplay on a school bus? Has the world gone mad?

it's the Grand Nationals of Sand Castle Building... Preview. Oh! Saturday afternoon TV is so boring. Bikini girls. Hmm? Dune buggies. Hmm! Daredevil surfers.

What do you have to say about the Leader now, huh? Huh? What Leader? The hell with him. He can taking a flying leap. And who do you love now? Hover bikes! Close enough. Yea!

What? Spider poison is people poison? (CRIES) Bart! (GRUNTS) Hmm. Where's the pain? (GROANS) Ow! There it is! (CRYING)

I'm a brick. "We will crush you and smother your dreams. Yours in Christ, the Cavalry Kids."

Hey, Lisa. What are you doing? I'm planting my own bodhi tree. If I meditate under it, perhaps I can find inner peace. Honey, is this about some boy at school who doesn't like you? No! Good.

Not if I scare it away with this cougar call. You did it, Moe! A cougar! Die, cougar! Ow! My leg! Oh, geez! Got that cat right in the leg.

That would be great. Hey, Bart. Watch this. Oh, no! My favorite outfit! Jimbo, this is by far the worst-- Mmm. Mmm. Uh, jimbo, why don't you... assist Lunch Lady Doris in the kitchen.

Sometimes I don't even know who you are anymore. Ha! Look like Milhouse's mom finally threw out his blankie. He'll pay a lot to get this back. Especially when we send it to him piece by piece.

Oh! Well, Dad, you're mayor of a ghost town. I can't believe those traitors abandoned us. They couldn't take one lousy famine. Dad, you're bleeding!

I'll get you something nice. Now, Marge... Herb, I don't need any gift. You're too late, Marge. I got you a new washer and dryer and sold the old ones for 50 bucks. Come on, washer! Oh, you stupid dryer!

Homer, that suit doesn't leave much to the imagination. Heads up, kids. I'm moving the seat back. It is back.

(FROG CROAKING) What happened to the glacier? It's nearly melted. (GASPS) This must be due to global warming. Young lady, the federal government's position on global warming is that it does not exist. This glacier's doing just fine. No, it isn't. It's a lump of slush. Look at it.

Don't forget me! Don't worry, Homer. You'll always be a part of me. D'oh!

Good morning, sunshine. Homer, John brought us cactus candy. Look, John, you seem like a perfectly nice guy and all. just stay the hell away from my family! Well, now you don't get any candy. No, that's cruel. Take a teensy piece. No.

Yeah, that's the stuff. You suppressed your rage for so long,

Oh! Please? When she sees you'll do anything she says, she's bound to respect you. Sure! What's a big sister for? Oh! I shouldn't have said that!

We built this city on rock and roll Uh-oh! We'll give that punk a joe C-section. Let's do this thing. All right now, boys, that's enough.

Richard Gere? Oh! The world's most famous Buddhist. What about the Dalai Lama? Who? You know, the fourteenth reincarnation of the Buddha Avalokitesvara. Who's Buddha?

Yes. I, too, feel a renewed appreciation for the good old U.S. of A. Oppression and harassment are a small price to pay to live in the land of the free. But, uh, sir, aren't you facing some serious jail time?

kill Homer Simpson." Hey, what's all the screaming?

Wow. Lucky I always keep a Bible close to my heart. Ow! Oh-ho-ho! Lucky I was wearing this extra large piece... of the true cross today. I think I'll go inside. What keeps doing that?

Yes, Marge. There's still the matter of-- I was a little girl. Good-bye, Margie. Be a good girl now.

Bart, what happened? Well, we hit a little snag when the universe sort of collapsed on itself. But Dad seemed cautiously optimistic. Cra-a-a-ap! Homie.

Oh, it's the four elephants of the Apocalypse. That's horsemen, Ned. Well, getting closer.

What? Permission to treat this witness as hostile. Homer, I'll bet when you were 10, you were stealing beers, kissing girls, and tipping dinosaurs. Your father's first kiss was in high school, with me. Actually, Marge, there was someone before you. (GASPING)

Hello? Is anybody there?

And with that, a mighty cheer went up from the heroes of Springfield. They had brought the sacred tree back to its native soil.

Got to heaven before you, Flanders! Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! I wouldn't celebrate so soon, Mr. Simpson. I don't see a single good deed next to your name. Well, the thing about that is, um-- Ow! Oh!

We look like slobs

That's odd. Mr. Smithers left his jacket behind.

Before his dog got sick that old rummy used to be my best customer. ...Of the moon Sing it, baby! My quarter!

It got misplaced, or so it would seem. Oh, well, that changes everything. Let's have a look. Get the ribbon ready. Oh. A little... sterile. No real insight. - What do you think, Miss Hoover? - Eh. "Eh"? Oh.

What a crappy birthday. I don't think this is such a bad present. Maybe you shouldn't talk into it as loud as your father does. Testing. Testing one-tw0-three. Oh, my. Do I sound like that? Hey, it does work.

Mama! Hey, Houdini! Why don't you saw Martin in half? Oh, I'm not the kind of magician who does tricks. I'm a mathemagician! Oh, man! Now, prepare to marvel at the mysteries of the universe, as I make this remainder--

Excuse me. Paul Bunyan never fought Rodan.

Now I'm scared. Homie, I don't mean to nag, but what does this have to do with healing your eyes? As soon as I graduate, I am so outta here. This just in. The Marijuana Re-criminalization Initiative... took another step forward today as supporters collected... the final signatures required... to place it on the ballot for next Tuesday's election.

I coveted the wife in Jaws 2, I lied to a waiter, I masturbated eight billion times, and I have no plans to stop masturbating in the future. Whoo-hoo! I'm clean! In your face, Lord! Um, not quite, Mr. Simpson. I can only absolve you if you're a Catholic. Right. And how do I join? Do I whale on some Unitarians? Well, it's a little harder than that.

Marge, when I join an underground cult, I expect a little support from my family. Dad, do you think you might have been brainwashed?

Oh, quit your bellyaching, you big loser! Wh-Who said that? I did! It's me, Abe Simpson! But you're d-d-d-dead. I was. But I've come back as your love testing machine.

But we don't have $15,000.

And he was cast into the fiery cauldron of hell!

Seriously though, my name is Bart Simpson.

Lisa, you took out a restraining order against your own brother? Yes. The clerk also gave me this bench warrant for Dad's arrest. Aw, damn it. Chief, how are we supposed to live with our kids constantly separated? Hey, I don't make the laws, I just something with them.

Go for the dented car, the dead-end job, the less attractive girl. Oh, I blame myself. I should've had this talk a long time ago. Thanks, Pop.

Oh, you stupid son of a... Homer, I'm so mad at you. I'll bet you blew up the town just to get out of cleaning the garage. (LAUGHING) Everything's coming up Homer.

Done, done. And not a moment too soon.

So? Just give me some drugs and surgery. Oh, I'd love to. But to be honest, modern medicine has a lousy record of treating the back. We spend too much time on the front. Yeah, there's some neat stuff on the front. I'm gonna send you to my chiropractor.

But, Homer, on your way out, if you wanna kill somebody, it would help me a lot.

Hey, jerk-face! You have the face of a jerk! All right, Simpson, you asked for-- Get 'em, boys! Heh! Say, uh, jimbo--

Gentlemen, the screwballs have spoken.

D'oh! Don't give up, Dad. Maybe we can get the Who to play here instead. Hey, maybe we could. But we'll need some liquid persuasion.

Okay. So we can't pay for your precious food. What are you gonna do about it? Ba la bamba Ba la bamba Can we go now? No, no. Your playing, while technically proficient, lacks passion.

Why don't you just say you're sorry, George? Because I'm right. Oh, no. I'm gonna fix their wagon good. I've pulled some pranks in my time.

Yeah. Another day, another box of stolen pens. Have a good night, Homer. You too.

Where do you think you're going? To the game. No. I don't want you to see me sitting on my worthless butt. We've seen it, Dad.

you tell them you'll leave the money under the big net in the park. And then down comes the net. Right, Chief? Hey, I like it. I like it a Lot.

Traffic going waaay back in both directions. And look out at 14th and Elm. I just dropped my bagel.

J To hear him howl J J The very reason that l liveJ J ls plotting how to watch him dieJ Bart! Turn down that original cast recording and go to sleep!

Why, it's one of those pretzel wagons the movie stars are always talking about. Here? At our plant? That's right, Lenny. Let's all give in to deliciousness... the Pretzel Wagon way! - Yea! - Oh, yeah. Homer's right.

I have to learn from the master, Mr. Bob "Flower Child" Hope.

(BRAKES SCREECHING)

Buddhists don't get any desserts in their lunches. A Buddhist wouldn't want any. Hey, Simpson, I hear your sister dumped Christianity.

(GROANING) "When she pressed her lips to his forehead "and walked out with Denise and Gary "into the warm spring night, "she felt that nothing could kill her hope now."

This bar was going under, and my drink saved it. My face should be on that crappy merchandise. Morris, is what this man says true? It's hard to say. He may have come up with the recipe but I came up with the idea of charging 6.95.

Springfield, my guests are Moe Szyslak, local businessman, Carl Carlson, raconteur, and Lenny Leonard, three-time juror. Gentlemen, what's on your mind?

I think this chair is the answer. We can't just spend this money on some creature comfort. All right, we won't get the chair. Now excuse me while I kiss the sky.

Moe, I'm so glad I found you. Please, promise me you won't let Homer get hurt. Hey, Hey, hey, I'm not the villain here, okay? If Homer gets killed in the ring tonight, it'll be because of your negative attitude. - There, I said it. - Listen to me.

Come on. Let us through, ya vultures. Oh, Marge, it's a miracle. How can you judge this man without talking to the people who know him best? We got the real dirt on Homer Simpson, and the bidding starts at 10 G's. I bid 10 G's! Ten-five G's!

I think you're off the hook. Whoo-hoo! A dishonorable discharge. That's the best we could have hoped for. You can't spell "dishonorable" without "honorable." I think you're a hero, Dad.

I'm the last man alive, and I can do everything I've always wanted!

- You see ? Now, that's a sewing finger, honey. - Ew !

She certainly has come a long way with her fingering. Thanks, Flanders. Big know-it-all. When's Todd's solo, Dad ? Shh ! It's coming up, son. It's coming up.

Can't you mutter in your room? Marge kicked me out. All right. Go ahead. Pushy kids think they can tell me what to do in my house. i tell you, parents these days, they don't know how to rear children.

Boy, you don't have to follow in my footsteps. Don't worry. I don't even like using the bathroom after you. Why, you little..! Krusty, please continue.

and 37% say she's a skank.

The stupidest, ugliest, smelliest ape of them all ! Homer, you're not allowed to have hurt feelings right now. There's a little girl upstairs who needs you. Her confidence in her father is shaken. And no little girl can be happy unless she has faith in her daddy.

A Bible park without beer? Now I've seen everything! And this candy is subpar. Any religion that embraces carob is, uh, not for Carl Carlson.

come on and-a groove me, baby hey Good God it make me feel so good inside, mama Shh!

Oh, my God. Homie, look!

Come on, Santa's Little Helper! Come on, Sprinkles! Here, Sprinkles! Come on. I'm sorry. I'll never do that again. Come to the blind man. I'll let you be with me all the time, boy. Come on. We'll go into the woods, I promise. Come on, Sprinkles. Come on! Come on!

We thespians believe it's bad luck to mention the name of this particular play out loud. You mean Macbeth? Quiet, you blundering fool! You'll curse us all!

(KNOCK ON DOOR) (BOTH GASP)

Oh, Homer, come on ! You got time for one last beer. Please !

Yes, but he thought that was a bad thing. Let's count it anyway. Hmm. He did try to cheer me up when my hamster died. Homer, you forgot to eat your hot dog. Mmm.

What's that, Sideshow Bob ? This is Brittany and today's her birthday ? Well, happy birthday, Brittany ! How do you want to celebrate ? Do you want me to sing you a birthday song ? Or do you want me to shoot Sideshow Bob out of a cannon ? The cannon. The cannon.

Uh, SO, do you like... stuff? The doctor said I wouldn't have so many nosebleeds... if I kept my finger out of there. Well, here's my house.

"senile," eh ? "Buck-toothed," am I ? "Bony arms," are they ? "Liver spots," did I ?

This is just two years ago! That's right. Then the Simpson genes kicked in.

Cloves, Tom Collins mix, frozen pie crust-- Mmm! Maybe Mom just doesn't realize we miss her. We could go down to the casino and let her know. Aw, come on, Lisa. There's no reason to-- Let's go see Mom.

What about dad? I couldn't understand what he was saying.

Hooray! Everyone's a winner! Oh, the whole forest is blooming. Excuse me. Oh, my eyes are burning.

Well, well, if it isn't Mr. Plow.

Oh, Bart, not again! Give it to me. I told you. I don't have anything. You can't hide from me in this house, Bart. I spend 23 hours a day here! Get him, Ma. There's no place left to run, Bart. Hand it over.

- It's a secret. - Shut up. Hey, you guys want to go bowling tonight? Nah, we're busy. Yeah. We got, uh, things to do. Like what?

Everyone gets an award but me. I can't help it if I donated the most blood. Ohh. I'm feeling kinda woozy.

Right. And the award for Best Hard-core Thrash Metal goes to... Simpsons Christmas Boogie? Simpsons Christmas Boogie

Hey, it worked! My searing leg pain is now a gentle numbness. Next! Yes, uh, my car seems to have broken down, and I was wondering if I could use your-- Oh! That's a pushing motion! Simpson, you're not a licensed chiropractor. And you're stealing patients from me and Dr. Steffi.

You should have taken an existing product and put a clock in it. Homer, every mother in the country will want one of these. I have soiled myself. How embarrassing. I gave Herb all my money and he still treats me like something he dug out of his ear.

Bart, the entire town is howling for your blood and before I join them, I have one question. Today is my birthday. You promised you'd get me something and... and I'm afraid to ask. Maybe you should trust that instinct and not ask. I thought so.

What if I just whisper it! No, I tells ya!

People, people, no rough-housing on the monkey bars. You there. Tuck in your shirt. Watch it. I saw that. You certainly have done awfully well for yourself, Spanky. Mother, please don't call me Spanky on school grounds. Wow ! A cherry bomb ! What are you going to do with it, Bart ? Watch out, Bart. It's Skinner ! Uh-oh.

Speaking of heroes, here's mine.

Oh! Why did I have to stop at the railroad tracks? Better get Some change. It's okay. It's okay. I'm back. See? Daddy's here. Come on, Maggie. Maybe if you just squeeze a little.

Ohh! Ohh! Ohh! Hey, I'm doing it! I'm doing it! I'm the greatest clown in the world!

Hmm. Well, I suppose this one looks a bit like me.

Now those youngsters will throw their lives away... drawing things that never were.

Bart, Lisa, if you don't behave, we'll turn this car right around and go home. But, Marge, I want to see my brother. Oh, for God's sakes, Homer, it's an empty threat. Oh. Doh ! Did you know you were going--

I'm sorry. You'll have to leave. Oh, man. How are we supposed to kill the rest of the afternoon?

Did you say, "cleans and straightens" ? There's no confusion, Tina. just good science. Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like you to meet the inventor, Dr. Nick Riviera. Thank you, Troy. Hi, everybody ! Hi, Dr. Nick ! Now could I have a volunteer ?

ALL: Aw! Well, I'm glad you think they're cute because they're your problem now! You just lost a box, pal! Wait. Santa's Little Helper had puppies before. And then we got him neutered.

Did you ever notice how men always leave the toilet seat up?

You know those guitars that are, like, double guitars, you know? More rubber stamps. Principal Skinner, this is your secretary.

Oh, business is slow. People are healthier and drinking less. If it wasn't for the junior high school next door no one would even use the cigarette machine. Yeah, things are tough. Increased job satisfaction and family togetherness are poison for a purveyor of mind-numbing intoxicants. Got a beer? Yeah, sure. Oh, sorry.

Bart, Lisa, what are you two doing home so early? Great news, Mom! Horrible news, Mom! The school's on strike! Maybe forever! Oh, overload. Pleasure overload. Luckily, I'm prepared for this, so I'm not too worried.

I wonder what my life would be like if I robbed the Kwik-E-Mart. I'll do it. I'll rob the Kwik-E-Mart.

Oh, great! I specifically asked not to be seated next to a baby. Wow! We must be really flyin' high. Those people down there look all tiny and blurry, just like the inside of a cataract.

- Business as usual? - No, Kent.

Sure, by their standards, but we live in America. This also says it can cause red tide poisoning. But it's so cheap.

But this film is never going to see the light of day. Look. They're towing away a Range Rover. There's no-- Yoink! Come on, Homer. We got a movie to premiere. Whoo-hoo! We've got to get that film back, or we'll all be fired. You know what I mean? - Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Fired. - Huh? Huh? Huh?

Hey, Simpson, I heard your dad's afraid of a little, old, giant grizzly bear. The only thing my dad's afraid of is paying child support. My dad once beat up six employees at KFC. And he'd been up for three days.

What happened, dude? Did your girlfriend dump you? Now, children, if you look up at the capitol dome... youll see a mural of our state bird, the potbellied sparrow... eating our state pasta, bow-tie.

"Dear Purveyors of Senseless Violence: "I know this may sound silly at first, "but I believe that the cartoons you show to our children... "are influencing their behavior in a negative way.

All a lie. What woman would marry us? We're freaks. Freaks. Freaks. Freaks. We are the jockeys jockeys are we We live underground in a fiberglass tree Ha! Ooh! Ha-ha!

Is this seat taken ? Yes, it is. Hey, beat it ! Had I not chosen the seat that was next to you, Martha, my love, who knows what woman I might have ended up with.

And the bed never needs to be made. Check it out. Heh-heh! Hmm. Seems a little wasteful. Wasteful and practical. A mechanical dressing dealie. Watch this, Marge.

Can't you understand, little girl? jebediah was no criminal. That's right. The reason they say he had a silver tongue... is because he was such a fine speaker. That's a myth that got mixed up with the truth. You are tampering with forces you can't understand. We have major corporations sponsoring this event.

No matter how good you are there's always a million people better. Gotcha-- Can't win, don't try. As your new manager, I want to say this up front-- No one is assured a spot in the starting lineup. I don't care if you're Steve Sax or Darryl Strawberry Or-- What's one of the bad players' names? Homer Simpson, sir. Or Homer Simpson.

Lis, that place is great! They have a jukebox in the basement. And look at the trick they taught me! (HUMMING) Are you watching? Are you watching? (MOANS) When they come busting out, we'll be ready. Every single guard is outside waiting for them.

will see me hunkering down for chow with Eddie Punch Clock. The media will have a Field day. The only question is, can we find someone common enough ?

Don't worry, Mr. Burns. We'll track down Simpson with your vehicle's antitheft system. Car gone! Car gone! Yeah. We know that. Wh-Where has it gone to? Car gone! Car gone! Car gone! Uh, Chief, this yokel says he saw Simpson driving out near Hickton.

Ooh. Do you smell something? Arr! Why buy a house...

birth certificate, and your death certificate. just hold onto that one in your safe-deposit box. Most humble and grateful thanks to you. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Can the courtesy. You're an American now.

Hmm. Am I wrong, or did it just get fatter in here? Request permission to slink by. Permission pending. First, light our cigarettes. But you're already smoking cig--

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Get out of sight, Marge. I don't want this to look like a two-bit operation. Mr. Simpson? You don't look so rich. Don't let the haircut fool you. I'm exceedingly wealthy. Get a load of the bowl job, Marge. Your Internet ad was brought to my attention,

Nelson? Papa! You came back! (SOBBING) I never meant to leave you, Nelson. But something awful happened when I went to the store. Well, that explains a lot. Who's hungry? No. I want to hear what happened at the store.

Champion horse coming through! What the-- Good horse. Here's one taco. And you'll get another when you win. Hey, where do you get those metal dealies for his feet? You mean horseshoes? Hey, what's with the attitude? I just want some dealies.

And since cover-ups were all the rage back then, I shoved his heroic corpse down the sewer pipe. I never told Smithers the truth about his father. Until tonight, sir. Smithers Junior. Ha! Busted! Now the movie's turned into a play. Still good though.

Mrs. Krabappel, I am insulted. Is this a book report or a witch hunt ?

The only stipulation is that you spend one night... in a haunted house. Oh. Isn't that somewhat unusual? No. It's a standard clause.

Becky, I want to apologize to-- Usurper! Why, you little-- Cut. Cut!

(GASPS) Selma, she's beautiful. (GURGLING) This is Homer, your daddy.

We all want peace!

Oh! (MARGE SCREAMING) (SCYTHE SLASHING) (SOLEMN MUSIC PLAYING)

Oh, this is the best gift of all, Homer ! It is ? Yes. Something to share our love...

Isn't this 742 Evergreen Terrace? No, that's next door. Close, but no doughnut, cops. This is Papa Bear. Put out an A.P.B. for a male suspect...

Which is fine. More power to ya. It's just that some people find your turkey a little dry. Mm-hmm. And if they want an option, they'll have it. Hmm ! Hi, Patty. Mwah ! Hi, Selma. Mwah. Well, it's good to see ya. Well, gotta pick up my old man. Bye !

Look at them sideburns! He looks like a girl. Now, johnny Unitas-- there's a haircut you could set your watch to. So, Mother Simpson, where did your newfound sense of irresponsibility take you?

Huh? Boy! We sounded great, huh? Only one question remains, gentlemen. What do we call ourselves? How about Handsome Homer Simpson, Plus Three? I like it! I do not-- I do not think-- No. We need a name that's witty at first,

- You idiot, you can't read. - Aye, 'tis true.

I wanted to surprise you. I couldn't very well chop your hand off and bring it to the store. You never intended for me to use that ball. If that's how you feel, I'll take it back.

Did it strike you as odd that in a Super Bowl show with Dolly Parton, we didn't see any football or singing?

No, no, no, no. The other one. Oh, I gotcha. It's broken, Mom. Mom, it's broken. Mom, it's broken Mom, it's broken Mom, it's broken Mom, it's broken I don't think that it's broken, honey. Here, let me try. Mmm, there you go !

123 Fake Street. Got it. Come on! Come on, boy. Oh, please give it back! You want people food? I can get you people food. Oh! I have nothing he wants! And Harry Potter and all his wizard friends...

Okay. Now eat it. All right. Hey, hey! Chew with your mouth closed, please.

but here's his first appearance in a commercial in his native austria. Mein brAtwurst has A first name

My name is Barney Gumble. I'm 40, I'm single, and I drink. There's a line in Othello about a drinker.

If I don't make it out alive, I love you, Mom and Dad. Maggie, you can have my books. And Bart, I'll see you in hell, you booger-eating wuss! That's right! We all know! (CRUNCHING) Ah! Bones!

Dad, this isn't about glue. It's about territoriality.

What's the point? They'll never notice. Oh, well, you'd surprised. Hmm, umm, hmm... Now just relax your hand.

Coming up next, a Canadian couple... who say they are deathly afraid of scorpions. Oh, that stings, eh. Ooh, God! Ow! Ooh!

Hey, what are these axes for? - I don't know. Chopping stuff. - Gotcha. Uh, that's some nice chopping. Truly, this was an act of God.

(PLAYING TURKISH RONDO)

Thanks, Ed. I glad we've finally dispelled the myth... that I'm too uptown for the tots. And yet, I can't help thinking about poor Krusty.

Homer, Bart, Lisa, Maggie, stop it !

Or... how about rocks? What is this "rock"? I don't know how to feel just now. And now attack! Uh! Uh! Uh! Hi-yah! Hah! Uh, shouldn't we help her?

He seems reluctant. Tell him it will count towards his community service. All right, I'll do it. Boy, swipe one pair of Haggar slacks, and you're payin' for it the rest of your life.

f Man f w' 1:00, 2:00, 3:00, 4:00 rocky .r 5:00, 6:00, 7:00, 8:00 rocky 1* 9:00, 10:00, f 1:00, 12:00 rocky Nuts to you, copper! j Gonna rock around the clock-N Oh, G-

Goodbye, college! He was supposed to be in a show-and-tell this week! (SNEEZES) That's not gonna happen. That teddy bear survived three safety recalls,

They're for family protection, hunting dangerous or delicious animals, and keeping the king of England out of your face. - Your membership card please, Homer. - Oh! I'll also need to remove your tattoo. I didn't get one yet. Rats. Now, since you're no longer a member,

Look, I just wanna know how to invent things. Tell me. Uh, all you have to do is think of things that people need... but which don't exist yet. You mean like an electric blanket-mobile? Uh, well, possibl-- Or you could take something that already exists and find a new use for it. Like--

Steak or chicken ? One of each, please. - Comin' through ! - Barney ! Oh, yes, they call him the streak, whoo That young man has bought himself about a decade of detention. Children, we have tabulated your votes. The king and queen of Springfield High School's class of 1974...

You and Lisa better go find homes for these puppies. And don't just dump them all off on some crazy lady. (SPEAKING GIBBERISH) (WHIMPERING)

Mr. Simpson, the tar fumes are making me dizzy! Yeah, they'll do that.

Well ? - Don't people answer the door these days ? - Allow me, sir.

But now I'm afraid I'll grow old alone. What about your pet iguana, Jub-Jub? Jub-Jub can't take care of me when I'm old and sick. All he can do is eat me when I'm dead.

shake the plastic bag and do the twisty thingy too the garbageman Oh, the garbageman can

It took me months to steal that bumper. Help! Help! What was that? You didn't hear nothing! You nervous, son? Don't worry, Dad. As three-time soap box derby champion Ronnie Beck says, "Gravity is my copilot." Hey, boss. just in case you need it. Ahh, thanks, guys.

I was alone out there, but someone was riding with me in spirit. This is for you, Dad. No, son, you earned it.

to prevent me from reaching my scientifically determined ideal weight ! As God is my witness, I'll always be hungry again ! Doh ! Shut up !

When I first heard about the operation, I was against it. But then I thought, if Homer wants to be a woman, so be it.

And so, excelsior to you, Mr.-- What's the name of this gastropod? Simpson, sir. One of your chair-moisteners from Sector 7g. Yes! Simpson!

Dogs are outstanding. All right, people, we've all seen the dogs now, so-- What? You're still in your seat. Well, it's not like I never saw a dog before. That doesn't sound like me. Could it be the drug kicking in? I am feeling an urge to straighten up and fly right.

We tried to stop the kid, but he wouldn't quit. He went crazy.

Diddly! Flanders! Stop that!

I am going to win this lottery.

(SPITS) When we published the story, we received the school's highest award. Ladies, it is my great pleasure to award you these certificates of merit. In this box marked "honoree," fill in your names. And over here, write in what you did. I'll be back. You ain't tasted the last of my spit.

I've said it before and I'll say it again, democracy simply doesn't work. Now over the years, a newsman learns a number of things... that for one reason or another he just cannot report.

NELSON: You're out!

It is the '70s, right down to the smallest detail! Hey, the bartender even looks like John Travolta. Yeah, looks like.

Milhouse, I got a confession to make. I'm the one who narc'ed on your kissing. What?!

Maybe Moe gets a cell phone Has Bart ever owned a bear Or how 'bout a crazy wedding Where something happens and doo doo doo doo doo Sorry for the clip show

Hey, fellas, good news. I found an extra 75-watt bulb lying around. D'oh!

Oh, he's close. I can taste his fear. What the-- Freddy, honey. I think something just dropped into the backseat.

Tell him! Uh, Mr. Simpson, sir? Can you please change the radio station? But this is Grand Funk Railroad. You guys back there know Grand Funk, right? Nobody knows the band Grand Funk?

Please? I command you!

And did you know the hole's only natural enemy is the pile? I can't believe you went to the movies with the teacher. What happened to the Bart Simpson who put the mothballs in the beef stew? Hey, I only hung out with Krabappel because Skinner blew her off.

Sorry. No Homers.

Noooo! Fun, huh?

I'll thank you to stop pinching my Botticelli. Looks like I didn't need the keys after all. I'll take the masterpieces. Thank you. Consarn it!

There he is. Let's give him a make-over. Run for it, boy! Get him! Get him! Get him!

You're Pop? No offense, but even I could kick your ass. Hey, get off my case! The only reason I'm working here... is 'cause I'm trying to get a date with Mom. Look, Pop. I'm planning some expert home repairs, and I need a pair of bolt cutters or wire cutters...

And what's gonna become of me on the other side? I don't know! I'll save you, Dad. I can't get any closer. You'll have to jump! Piece of cake, son.

Oh, can't I come home later? There's not going to be a home later.

Yea, Krustys! Hey-hey! Grazie, grazie.

Yeah! Go, lce-O-Topes! This sucks. How come Lisa gets something and I don’t? Because she took the trouble to wander away and talk to a stranger. Your sister getting something nice doesnt hurt you in any way.

you've convinced me there are more terrible things than musical Comedies where everyone sings there is something worse

Ooh! Lisa, I found a big caramel deposit at the small of her back.

Yes! Excellent. Yes!

Good one, Krusty. Oh, crap. Because of that disrespectful display, I shall a-now kill a-both of you... unless you both go through the loop... together!

Oh, yeah? Whoa! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!

Hi, everybody. Is everybody... good?

Americans pick their president. Victory seemed certain for Governor Thomas C. Dewey. Dewey! Dewey! Dewey! Dad, I'm telling you- Truman wins. The headlines proclaim, "De we y Defeats Truman y Whoo-hoo! I win the bet! Who’s your daddy? But the headlines are dead wrong.

Homer, meet my team of engineers. - They're gonna build your car. - Hiya, team. Now, boys and girls, this project is our top priority. Everything else is on hold. I don't want to see anything until it's finished. But, sir-- Bup-up-up-up ! Direct all your questions to Mr. Homer Simpson,

Hmm. Okay, well, this story isn't ideal. I've never told it to you before.

Iodine. Now, don't fidget.

will teach you some manners. Ha-ha! At least now I can get some rest. Hidilly-ho, Bart!

No, he doesn't. Trains are regulated by the federal Department of Transportation.

Lenny. Anything for Homers. Dad, is there something you’d like to tell us about this horde? You’d think so, but no. They look like you. They were rude to Patty and Selma. And the horde has been described as very gassy. Yeah. ts a good group.

Uh, you know, Milhouse-- Ye-e-e-es? - Bet you're gettin' tired of that soul, huh? - No! Well, suppose someone wanted to buy it from you. Oh. You wanna buy it back, Bart? Sure. No problem. Fifty bucks.

At least now I can get some rest. Hidilly-ho, Bart! We come now to the final and most terrifying painting of the evening.

Ah! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh!

Thanks, guys. Will you sign Martin's cast? What cast? Ow! I won't be swimming this summer. Bart, this is just Dad.

Unlike most of you, I am not a nut. just a good, honest American who opposes wrongdoing... and especially carelessness wherever they occur.

Ow! Animal tranquilizer! Oh! Smooth!

According to the gas chromatograph the secret ingredient is... love?! Who's been screwing with this thing? I'm sorry, but the secret ingredient dies with me. 30 cases of cough syrup. Sign here. I got hooked on this in the service.

They're evolving so quickly. They've already reached the Renaissance. Wait. One of them is nailing something to the door of the cathedral. I've created Lutherans.

Uh, well, I suppose that would qualify-- Thanks, sucker! All right. just stay calm, Frinky. These babies will be in the stores... while he's still grappling with the pickle matrix.

our skimpy costumes ain't so bad They seem to entertaiN your dad The gin in your martini the clamS on your linguine yes we keep the-- In Springfield

It's so quiet here without the kids. What I wouldn't give to hear Lisa play another one of her jazzy tunes.

The truth never tasted so good! Way to go, slim!

There once was a man from Nantucket, who--

I just wanted to entertain! Can you believe I keep getting away with this?

Sit down. Poland, tell us about your nation's achievements. Well, uh, I heard they sent a rocket to the sun once-- at night. And there was that submarine with the screen doors. No, no, no, no, no. Young man, you need to do some serious boning. Oh, grow up, Lise.

I'm trying. I'm trying. Salt me. Here you are, Homer. What the-- Why are you talking like that? The play's tomorrow night. I've got to stay in character.

Wouldn't you like to know.

And they're geniuses. They'll solve all our problems. They'll elevate us to the status of kings on Earth! Mr. Simpson, we all have nosebleeds. Oh, for the love of-- What's wrong with this phone? It's making crazy noises.

What did I just say?

You know, maybe it's time I sold the old girl. Mmm!... Hmm?! D'Oh! Ohh, what do they want? Maybe a nap will boost my spirits. I'll get that whale song cassette you like, sir. Oh, it's not fair!

You'll both need to sign these. But what to do with poor Hugo? Too crazy for Boys Town, too much of a boy for Crazy Town. The child was an outcast. So we did the only humane thing.

Hee-hee-hee! I got your doughnut, Lard Lad! And what are you gonna do about it?

Lisa, you're all right! Oh, good. She's here in time to see us die. Maggie, I'm sorry I was jealous of your special gift. From now on, I'm gonna nurture and cherish...

Cut the crap ! "I just collect the cans, Daddy." Now grab yourself a beer and get me one too. - This girlfriend of yours, is she a real looker ? - Uh-huh. A lot on the ball ? Oh, yeah. Oh, son, don't overreach !

Oh, nobody loves oily Homer.

Oh, Lisa, you and your stories. "Bart is a vampire." "Beer kills brain cells." Now, let's go back to that... building thingy... where our beds and TV... is.

Now, class... I promised you a surprise today.

Kent, let me make this perfectly clear. I have no dog.

(GRUNTS) Tonight, we reveal a shocking secret. Ladies, when you were selected, you were told that you'd be dating a billionaire on his private island. Well, I'm afraid we misled you. (GASPING) Get ready, skanks. Here comes the truth train! This isn't an island. It's a peninsula.

from the bottom of your wastebasket? I'll say. Well, then-- Can't someone else do it? Yeah! Yeah! And can't someone else scoop out that nasty kitty litter? Yeah! Well, Ray Patterson thinks you should do it.

Mm. Huh? Oh, you're lonely for other elephants, aren't you? D'oh! A deer! A female deer. Son, you're okay!

Mmm! This sugar shark is delicious. Ow. Hey, he bit me back. Oh, so that's how it's gonna be, huh?

The following is a public service announcement. Excessive alcohol consumption can cause liver damage... and cancer of the rectum. Mmm, beer.

Sir, I'm honored to inform you that you've won the Nobel Prize. The Nobel Prize? Finally! So, it's for what? My whole deal?

We're done-didilly-dodilly done-didilly-dodilly done-didilly-dodilly done-- Flanders! Snap out of it! Thank you, Homer. I don't know what got-- Dad! I think he's oka-- It's better... - to be... safe... than... sorry. - Dodilly--

(GASPING) I don't remember doing that! I would never cheat! Perhaps. But subconsciously, you wanted her to succeed. Watch. PHILIPPA: Here, you're telling her the answer is no. Here, the solution is a square. Here, you're telling her the answer is California Condor.

Hey, your dad's gonna just go in here, work it out and you'll, you'll drive home in this ! I'm not gonna quote you a price till I check your credit rating.

Anybody up for some clog dancing? Why don't you try and stop me?

Hello, son. I was on my way home from work and thought I'd drop by. Oh. You have a job? They pay me $800 a week to tell a cat and mouse what to do! I see.

PelÉ is king of the soccer field. To be king of your kitchen, use Crestfield Wax Paper.

Once he's gone, they'll kill us!

And try not to let your brother get under your skin, honey. Believe me, he doesnt His act is getting old fast. He thinks he's really cool. But frankly, the other kids are starting to wake up and smell the cootl'es.

That's right. It was I. Lise, why did you do it? Come on, Bart! In your pre-fascist days you knew the thrill of futile rebellion. Yeah, but even I had my limits. You're looking at expulsion for this. I know! I know!

Bart's really going to like my birthday present this year. It won't be like those shoe trees I got him last year or the shelf paper I bought him for Christmas. I'll buy his love yet. Mmm, yeah.

Damn, this ride is pimped out. Yo, downstairs I got a wax museum of famous movie monsters. Check it out, if you want to get your fright on. (CAR REVVING)

- That's not my mother. - I'll be back in a jiffy!

Beans, oh, beans, delicious in your mouth

Now tonight's guest host, the ultimate placeholder, Homer Simpson!

They're leaving. The ordeal is over. Ned! Mr. Flanders! Flanders, where are you? Mr. Flanders!

is a lot like The Unblinking Eye? And it's exactly like "The Wreck of the Hesperus." And now, the final ordeal-- "The Paddling of the Swollen Ass-- With Paddles." Ow! Ow! Ow! Aah! Ow! Oh! Oh! And by the sacred parchment, I swear that if I reveal the secrets of the Stonecutters,

and when they bark, they shoot bees at you? Well, go ahead. Do your worst! My worst, eh? Smithers, release the robotic Richard Simmons. Come on, big boy! Shake the butter off those buns!

Boy, a good man really is hard to find. Gentlemen, according to my sources,

Now you kids be good while Mother's in prison.

Pull up a seat, Pop. You too, Chuckles. I mean, the food ain't great, but the portions are terrific. Hey, I'm kidding. Relax. Hey, give my regards to Mrs. Boyardee. A total lack of refinement. Smithers, send for the boys at Yale admissions, hmm?

Stop your laughing! You're all banned! Banned I tell you!

Having a child-- that's a big step. You bet it is! Think what it'll mean! Not just the McBain movie, but maybe my own fragrance-- "Smellin' of Troy"! It is probably my last chance to be a mommy. Cigarette, Mrs. McClure?

I understand they've installed a new bird feeder this year. It's shaped like a diner, and it's on this really tall pole.

Don't say that, baby. I'm gonna win you back if I have to pistol-whip this guy all night.

Entertainment Show. Hey, hey, kids.

You know, boys, there is an old saying down on the bayou that, uh-- Whee!

Oh, save me, Jebus! Mmm. Mmm!

The poliCeman on the beat needs Some time to rest his feet fighting crime is not my cup of tea and the clerk who runs the Store can charge A little more - For meat - For mEat - and milk - and milk

May I suggest a putter? Three-wood.

Look! It's the Seven Duffs! There's Tipsy, and there's Queasy. There's Surly and Remorseful! Hey! Take a picture. It'll last longer. Get outta here.

- Evening, fellow rockers. - There you are. We thought we were going to have to go on without you. I'm ready. Just give me a guitar. How many solos should I do? Four? I'll do four. Uh, Homer, you didnt think you were gonna be playing with- My official tour jacket! Lookit.

Mom, that's Roofi. His music is why babies are idiots. Well, Maggie likes Roofi. And babies only like good things. Why don't you let us watch TV and get her a Roofi CD? Bart!

Well, thank you. If you play on that ankle, you'll be in pain. I don't care. Magic, what if people think a guy's a hero but he was just lucky? Sooner or later people like that are exposed as frauds.

Do you see how this relates to us?

As my adviser, you're entitled to 10% of the proceeds. Lise, have I told you lately that I love you? Wow. I've never seen so much money. Oh, but I can't accept that, knowing where it came from. Can I, Mom?

Oh, Warren, I know your dad is in prison, but don't you fret. A special celebrity dad has been arranged for ya. But my older brother would like-- Sorry, but I'm afraid Ernest Borgnine has already been confirmed.

Mom, can I feed Laddie at the table? Oh, it's against the house rule. Oh, I guess just this once.

Here. Ow! Son of a-- Hey, leave my daughter alone! Come on, humans! We've wiped out entire species before! We can do it again!

Oh, no. My pudding is trapped forever! So I can open my own can of pudding, can I? Shows what you know, Marge. Marge! Hey, Marge! Keep yelling, you big ape.

Why would they call if they don't want to talk?

Geez, Moe. You've been a real crank lately. You take that back! Now you see? That's what I'm talking about. You're always pointing that shotgun at us. And calling us dumb asses. Which we're so not.

When you were in that coma, did you feel your brain getting damaged? The police have such a strong case against Homer. Mr. Burns said he did it. They have Homer's D.N.A. They have Simpson D.N.A. It could have come from any of us. Except you, since you're a Bouvier. No, no, no, when I took your father's name,

Blah, blah, blah. Do this, do that. Blah, blah, blah. I think I'm so big. Blah, blah, blah! Destroy him.

Nagging the driver. Minus 10 points for you. Grazed a cone. Minus five points. Being a jerk. Minus a million points! D'oh! One more wrong answer,

Peanuts... butter.

(GASPING) They've taken everything. Oh, no. (WEEPING) Look what they've done to my triangle.

No, say "Present." "Anita Bath."

Hey, Mr. Smithers! Well, you might as well give me a ride home now.

Son, your success has inspired me.

Puzzle piece, come out and play-ay! Hey, whets this? "Marge's memory chest'"? Aw. Marge saved all this stuff from when we were going out.

I must have her. Smithers, zoom in. Closer. Closer. Closer, damn it! - Ow! - Too close.

Whoa! Gadzooks! Look at the bus! I was right, I tell ya! I was right! Right or wrong, your behavior was still disruptive, young man. Perhaps spending the remainder of your life in a madhouse... will teach you some manners. Ha-ha!

Chop, chop, dig, dig. Chop, chop, dig, dig. Chop, chop, dig, dig. You know, Homie, there's so much more... two wives could do for you. I hear digging, but I don't hear chopping.

On the other hand, monkey see, monkey do.

See you later, inoculator. (CAR SPEEDING AWAY) He can run, but nobody escapes the needle. Charlene, cancel all my appointments. But, I need that kidney now.

I want you to throw in this towel and stop the fight. Right, all right, all right, I promise, okay? Thank you.

The heartache and the sadness That's buried deep inside Aww.

Hmm. Well, there's Mr. Burns, Fat Tony... the emperor of Japan, ex-President Bush- The late Frank Grimes.

Oh ! Your third bowl. I think you may be on the mend. Is there anything else I can get you ? Hmm. Perhaps the TV. Of course. Homer ! What ? Bring the television up. Bart's got his vision back. Doh ! I wish I had amoria phlebitis.

the illiterate, tax-cheating, wife-swapping, pot-smoking spend-o-Crat, Diamond joe Quimby. Hey, I am no longer illiterate! Now, why are we doomed to this Quimby quagmire, you ask, O Reasonable Listener? Because this town is under the stranglehold of...

Perfect Strangers Wiii return after these commercials. f Wheels Squeaking f What a beautiful baby. f Gasps f What horrible breath! 4;! w' He's the baby whose mouth smells iike death] w' Run for your iife ts Baby Stink Breath 4;!

for your beloved MacGyver. Oh, hey, you're right.

And the entire steel mill was gay. Where you been, Homer? Entire steel industry's gay. Yeah, aerospace too-- and the railroads. And you know what else? Broadway. Yeah, I always thought Bart would grow up to be just like us. What happened? Ah, it ain't no mystery.

Bye, Mom. Bye, Dad.

But I've never been able to do that-- How about if I just squirt you in the face with my boutonniere? Okay.

It's time for me to bend over and receive my destiny.

Poor Selma. You were having... such a lovely evening... And then I went and spoiled it all by doing something stupid like explode you sideshow Bob, I'm afraid the only victims here...

I think this paper is a flimsy hodgepodge of pie graphs, factoids and Larry King.

that you have befouled with your popular music. You shank! How could you tell on me? Well, I didn't want hungry birds pecking my soul forever.

If you make this promise, you have to keep it. Why ? 'Cause if you don't, I'll never believe anything you say... ever again. Aw, come on.

get thoSe animals out on the arky, arky Leave me alone. Dad, the heathen's getting away. I see him, son.

If you want some friendly advice, pal, I wouldn't tackle the big one right away. Oh, yeah? What do you know about it? Hmm?

A millionaire ? I kept the wrong one. Look, son-- I'll come as soon as I can get out of here. In the meantime, please don't do anything stupid.

English - US - Line 21

Dios mio, this kid is fun to hit!

I don't know if it matters, but it was a Time magazine. - Does that matter? - Uh-oh. - This could be dangerous. - What? What?

And the ends are razor sharp-- to protect our nation and its interests. Ow! God bless America.

Is, uh, there a button or a release for these keys? Oh. You have to push in as you turn. Ah. Yeah, that's it.

Oh, Marge, it was horrible! We were trapped in the house all afternoon. And, well, we had to drink toilet water. Well, things were bad everywhere.

Hey, kids, lots of candy left for breakfast. Why don't we give it to some needy children then? No.

For the Band on the run You know, we've been through some 280 adventures together. But our bond has never been stronger. Mmm-mm. Yep. Our family is as functional as all get out. Could this be the end of our series...

Wow. It's filthy-- and it's mine.

- She's a witch! - Get her!

The one on the left is Mel Gibson. I don't know who the other two guys are.

Balderdash. I'll just stick my head right in and-- Half a dozen eggs? Well, that would be the complete dozen. All right, rather than tempt fate, I'll move along now.

Okay, the material was a little corny. But Homer and I had real chemistry on screen. Every day I thought about firing Marge.

Hey, I'm trying to eat lunch here. jump, Free Willy! jump. jump with all your might.

(GASPS) Homer, did you steal the organ from the church? Maybe. We don't know that for sure. Well, you gotta take it back. After the party. (PLAYING) It sure is great to look down my nose at everybody again. Mind if I waggle my finger a little bit?

No! Uh-oh! Somebody's gonna have a tummy ache. Stop him! He's whacked out of his gourd! Don't worry. We have a procedure for these situations.

Ach. Let's see what's been captured on the up-kilt camera. Ew. This lass needs a bit of grounds keeping. Eh? Aah! That's Willie!

Tookie, tookie, tookie Tookie, tookie-- Bert and Ernie left it to your imagination. Look. The room came with a fruit hat. Hey, and a minibar hat!

You just won yourselves a motorcycle! Whoo-hoo! Whoo-Whoo! It's mine! Finally I've won the respect of my fellow m-- Get away from it!

Evening, Simpson. You've got a short in your taillight. Started blinking when you made that turn. Let's see your chauffeur's license. Chauffeur's license, eh? Mel, buckle your borscht belt! Uh, since you're trying to make a getaway in park,

Why? I got a job at Burns's casino. As you know, it's been my lifelong dream to become a blackjack dealer. Your lifelong dream was to be a contestant on The Gong Show. And you did it in 1977. Remember?

Because I can make it so the other kids don't laugh at you so much. They... laugh at me ? I'd always considered myself rather popular. You're not. Watch. Huh ! But my-- my speed with numbers,

to a very special-- Stupid movies.

This is the worst thing that could ever happen to us ! All right, all right. Spilled milk, spilled milk, spilled milk.

- But, uh, could I just-- - Don't worry. You'll get to see it as soon as we unveil our new ad campaign. Let me see! Let me see! Out of the way! Homer. Homer, wake up. There's still a few minutes till our usual bedtime. No. My invention! All my money problems could've-- Money problems?

Are you okay? Some second-degree burns. But some first-class burgers.

I just want it back. Please? I hope you can hear this. Lisa! You bought this?

Hey, guys, I came to, uh-- Oh, you got a deadly game of cat and mouse going. I'll come back.

Ah. Looks like Mr. Pretzel Man... is doing pretty well for himself.

That's better. Ah, beautiful. Keep this up and someday you'll be the guy who hands out the putters. Yes, sir! I was 24 years old with a beautiful girlfriend and a job with a future.

(MOANS) Okay, I'll do it because your sweet love is the one thing that saved my life from being an unmitigated disaster. Ha-ha! Now we're even! This is your captain.

Did you put on a little weight this week? I was going to surprise you, but what the heck. Honey, I'm purposely gaining 61 pounds to get on disability.

I tried to stop her, but she overpowered me. Who stole my shirt? Who stole my shirt?! I washed it.

I don't see Skinner anywhere. He's probably in costume. He could be any of these people. They're all too old to be dressed up like super-people. Homer, let's just hurry up and go home so I can yell at you. Oh, my goodness. It's Matt Groening! (DR. HIBBERT CHUCKLING) Wow! The creator of Futurama!

Uh, hello? Mailman?

I don't know. But look at these results. Fifty-five, forty-two, twenty-six. A 12 on state capitals ? Okay, okay. Why are we dancing around the obvious ? I know it, you know it. I am dumb, okay ? Dumb as a post. Think I'm happy about it ? There, there, Bart. You're just a late bloomer.

I'm sorry. I don't usually laugh like this. Ai, caramba. Wow, man. Oh, this is the most fun I've ever had in my life.

Hmm. Confederated Slave Holdings. How's that doing? It's, uh, uh, steady. I'm sure all your stocks are doing well, sir. After all, you chose them. Mm-hmm. Well, let's get out the old stock ticker and have a look.

Sarge, we keep getting orders to let the virus win. Must be a school day. Lay down your arms. All right! Let's make some pus.

Fry up some cheese? Hose down the freaks? I-- Um-- Somethin' like that, yeah. Oh, this isn't fun. Maybe if you didn't go to the bathroom so much, you wouldn't be so small. Oh.

We reserved gazebo seven, and look. Geez. How many gazebos do you she-males need? Beer me, boys.

Hi, Lise. Want to quiz me on the vowels? I'm ready to chuck the whole alphabet. Huh? Lisa, what are you doing? That's a bad-girl bathroom. Duh!

You have to kill the head vampire. You're the head vampire? No, I'm the head vampire!

1969-- man walks on the moon.

When Bart's done, can we Moe to the Moevies for the Moetinee? Of course. All work and Moe play makes Moe a Moe Moe.

Dang right. Fact is, I invented kissing.

and you've been sent to my office 11 times. Now that I have peanut butter cups, you seem to be getting in trouble every hour. Must have been a coincidence. Anyhoo, Bart, you're gonna have to be punished. This isn't just some sort of clubhouse. Oh, sorry. Were you drinking Slice or Yoo-hoo?

Checkmate. Hey, kid, stop wearin' your backpack over one shoulder. We invented that. Copycats! You copied us!

What about the sun sphere?

Hey, Dad, look ! You're on jumbo-Vision ! Whoa ! Hey, everybody ! How you doin' ? Look at me ! I'm Homer Simpson ! Homer. Homer. X-Y-Z. Examine my zipper ? Why ? Whoop !

Krusty, we've got great news! Krusty, what have you done to yourself?

Troy McClure's a perfect gentleman, like Bing Crosby or j.F.K. I wonder where Troy is now. Uh-oh. Oh. Oh. Hey, these guys are all over the road!

Moe, Moe, Moe How do you like me How do you like me Moe, Moe, Moe Why don't you like me Nobody likes me Eh, we can spend another week at the ranch. Yee-haw! Hoo-hoo! Ooh! That can't be good for the struts.

Oh, God, I love to smoke. We're live at the opening of the latest chapter of the epic space saga, Cosmic Wars.

Dear, dear George Washington, can this liberty you dream of...

This is a thousand monkeys working at a thousand typewriters. Soon, they'll have written the greatest novel known to man. Let's see. "It was the best of times, it was the 'blurst' of times"? You stupid monkey!

Mmm, chocolate. Ooh, double chocolate. New flavor-- triple chocolate ! Perhaps a little something for the trip back to the cash register.

you hung me on the line maybe I'm amazed at the way I really need you Maybe I'm A man maybe I'm A lonely man who's in the middle of something That he doesn't really understand

Get away, damn it! Run for your lives! I'll take a rocket bomb! What can I get for 30 cents? Let go! I gotta get to the tank!

Come on, Bart. We can't stop spending now.

Thanks. Hey, what are you talkin' to her for ? She's just gonna say somethin' weird. - Not me. - You know, I used to think you were some brainiac,

Yes. Well, we've got to find a way to control her. Hey, maybe that escaped mental patient you've hired has some sort of toxin in his shack. Yes. Hello, Willie. Well, if you ask me, a woman's weakness is her sense of vanity.

This is Homer ? Oh, my.

- Th-- Doodly-diddly! - Ned. Have you thought about one of the other major religions? They're all pretty much the same. Damn Flanders.

Hmm. Ahhh ! Ahhh ! Homer ? I like to think that I'm a patient, tolerant woman... and that there was no line you could cross... that could make me stop loving you.

You call this a soccer riot? Come on, boys. Let's take 'em to school! Oi! Oi! Oi!

The few, the proud, the geeky. Boy! A man on a Squishy bender can sure do some crazy things.

Oh, yeah? My dear Lisa, you are eight, and I am 10. And in my two extra years on this planet, I've learned a few tricks. Gimme that sax!

Are you saying you killed jimbo, processed his carcass and served him for lunch? Ha! Hmm. I wonder where jimbo is today. He should've beaten us up for our lunch money an hour ago.

uh, "In the Garden of Eden"... by I. Ron Butterfly.

So, Smithers it seems you've underestimated one Homer Simpson our next employee of the month.

You want my advice? I think you should buy this car. We need more ammo. Let's go to Big 5. Krusty, your plastic surgery is complete. Now, when I remove the bandages,

Water flows down here, through the straightaway, a couple of wicked S-turns, around the loop of death, and out the mail slot. Then it's the yard's problem. LISA: My hamster! (PANTING)

- In there, guys. - Thanks, Homer. Homer, no one blames you for the accident. We simply feel you might benefit with a little outside tutoring. I researched these names myself. Yeah, you won this round, Dean, but the war isn't over.

It's gone! We're too late. Little girl, what have you done with our precious angel?

Hmm. Now, do you have extruded polyvinyl foam insulation? No. Good. Assemble the aluminum j-channel using self-furring screws. Install. What do I do in case-- After applying brushable coating to the panels-- Wait a minute. you'll need corrosion-resistant metal stucco lath. Wait a minute! If you can't find metal stucco lath--

Good morning, Marge. Good morning, Pierce. Where's Homer? Uh, I think he went to work early.

You don't control the birds. You will someday, but not now.

Noooo! I don't think I really captured the eyes. Bart, if you have a failing, it's that you're always demanding perfection,

Hey, hey! I've been in Reno for six weeks. Did I miss anything? What the-- Oh! Eternal darkness. Well, that's just great. Listen, someone's got to get that Mr. Burns. Oh, where's a gun-toting lowlife when you need one?

Flower power, my ass. That's odd. ts 11:15 in the morning and the bar is empty. where we 're minutes away from the blossoming of the Sumatran Century Fto wer. .. which only occurs once every hundred years.

Time to go home to my mansion and eat my lobster. What's this? "Extremely high voltage." Well, I don't need safety gloves, because I'm Homer Simp--

What? Ha-ha! Huh? (STRUGGLING) Thanks, Barney. Moe, we won't need you now. Oh. Okay. Well, I really enjoyed being you, Dr. Hibbert.

Ah, nuts. Hello? China? A little help? Well, I never thought it would come to this,

I'm afraid there's some problems with my tickets. I asked for a center seat, not an aisle seat. I specifically requested not to have the kosher meal. And I booked the flight leaving Saturday morning, not Friday morning!

Hey, look. A freezer man! - Wait a minute. There is a note. - Oh. "I have frozen myself so I may live to see the wonders of the future. "Thaw me out when robot wives are cheap and effective. P.S. Please alter my pants as fashion dictates."

Even worse than what I did in 'Nam. You're gonna get your parade... down my esophagus!

Joy to the world the teacher's dead

Ah. Homer J. Simpson, you're a genius. I know you like clowns, so I made you this bed. Now you can laugh yourself to sleep.

- Get a free ride. - And a hot plate! Free ride. Free ride. Free ride. And a hot plate! What is it, sweetie?

I said take off those damn glasses! Oh! This looks like fun. A bench. Kids, what do ya say... you go get your Aunt Selma a beer smoothie?

I also habia espanoi So that's your answer. I'll sue the church. Homer, we cant sue the church. They'll poke fun at us in the church bulletin. It wouldnt be the first time. I couldnt help it. Those pews are so comfortable. You have rights. You deserve financial compensation.

I know what you're going through. We're coming up on Mt. Carlmore. I carved that one wonderful summer. What did Carl think? You know, we've never discussed it.

Dad, why aren't you saying anything? Where's our motorboat? I didn't like it. The mast had termites. - Why would a motorboat have a mast? - Because! The thing, it was-- Shut up!

What's up, Moe? Hey, Moe! Hey, you can't come in here dressed like that! - Get with the times, Moe. - Yeah. I say if it feels good, do it. All right. Don't snap my undies. I'm a star again. I don't know how to thank you, kids.

I wonder if it really works. 'Cause I got a lot of spying to do. Bart ! What are you doing ? Sorry, Dad. The answer to that is top secret.

Ahh. Why, you little..!

Hello, fishies! Listen, rummy!

I'm sorry I was ever mean to you. Marge, prepare the celebration ham. All we have left are the earthquake ham and the condolence ham. Marge, they're just hams, okay?

Ahh! Mom, Dad! I saw Sideshow Bob, and he threatened to kill me! Bart, don't interrupt! Homer, this is serious.

See, boss? I told ya that ad in the church bulletin would pay off.

John Travolta flew me in his jet. Now I have to help him move next weekend. He deliberately waited till we were in the air to ask me. You really didn't have to make this trip, Mel. The screening's gonna go fine. Believe me. I don't know. I think this movie was a big mistake. All I do is talk for two hours. I don't shoot anybody. What was I thinking? You shouldn't worry about the movie. William and I both think it's fabulous.

Oh. How does Bart do this every week? Hey, brainiac, since when do you get detention? It's your fault. I accidentally laughed at your immature prank.

Somebody's been sleeping in my bed.

Let me through. I'm her husband. That explains a lot. Try to talk her out of there but don't put your lips on it. Hello. Hello! Is this thing on? Hello?! Homer, is that you? What should I say? How about, "Yes, it's me"?

Now, Krusty, I just hope you remember to save your money this time. Here's that ruby-studded clown nose you ordered, Krusty. Oy! What's up, Moe? Hey, Moe!

Leonard Nimoy? What are you doing here? Wherever there is mystery and the unexplained, cosmic forces shall draw me near. Uh-huh. Hey, Spock! What do you want on your hot dog? Surprise me. Take a look at this, Lisa.

Wow. Kent Brockman.

Bart! What? Oh, look at that. Why did you do that? Wouldn't it be fun if we watched the game together? Uh... okay. just don't say anything, and sit down over there. Over.

I made a pie. Put pie here.

Who's someone you've been making irritating phone calls to for years?

She thinks you hung the moon. Wow! Lisa, can you say "Mommy"? Mommy. Can you say "David Hasselhoff"? Dave Hassahoff.

Oh, no! Oh, what a tragedy. That car was just two days away from retirement.

Don't you see, Milhouse? We've gone too far. We need Skinner back. My water dish is empty!

Hmm. Dislocated shoulder, bump on the noggin. My diagnosis? Bad babysitting!

I'm gonna give him a piece of my--

Skinner, l was a little wary...

I'm totally illiterate. Now are you happy ? Can it be that the champion of child literacy can't even read himself ? Is it a crime to be illiterate ? All right, all right. See this, Krusty ? This is a B. And this is Exhibit B. Betting slips-- obtained by this court indicating you have lost...

Well, back on land my name was Homer Simpson. And I guess it is here too. I promised my dad one of my kidneys, but I chickened out at the last minute and left him on his deathbed. Good Lord! Oh, how could you! I think I'm going to be sick.

Does it make him cry? More than normal. Hey, Son.

They could've made this clearer. Oh! They won't let you have any fun.

Finished! - Now all we have to do is put our names on it. - Fine. - Put my name first. - No way! All right, then to decide it I propose a race around the world. Meet me at Leicester Square at noon tomorrow. The queen herself shall drop the checkered flag.

Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Overtime for bag boys? Ridiculous! This is the place I've read about--

My girlfriend's dancing topless at the airport bar from 4:15 to 4:20.

Must... suppress... rage. Huh? Come on, Angry Dad.

I look exactly the same, you moron! Oh, nonsense, Krusty. You look at least 10 years younger. Plus, I did your breasts. Does anyone hear me complaining about the breasts? Oh, what's the use in hiding? I gotta go back to Springfield and face the music.

And that's my cue to exit.

Hi, Bart. Whazzup? Oh, you brought someone. Yeah. This is Milhouse. He's my best friend because-- Well, geographical convenience really. I'm wearing my bathing suit under my pants. Um, you wanna go swimming? Okay. But you have to watch me dive.

Hey, monkey, you want a peanut? I said one!

Bring it in, boys!

These talking dinosaurs are more real... than most real families on TV. Ooh! Ooh! Ooh..! Look, Maggie, they have a baby too. It's like they saw our lives and put it up on screen. Kids, I know you're excited... about meeting Aunt Selma's boyfriend.

Oh, lousy Wiggum. Now the whole town thinks I'm a chili wuss. Wait, mister. You're drinking a candle. You don't want to get wax in your mouth, do you? Maybe I do, son. Maybe I do.

Gotta go, Tom. I'll think about it. Lisa, breakfast. I know you're mad at me. But I hope you're not mad at Cap'n Crunch...

Almost got it. Drop the food, Chief! Dang fools. Drive-through's not for a-Parkin'.

So what happened here? How about I explain it to you over a cup of coffee? That is if you're willing to give me another shot.

Come on, kids. We're gonna visit Grampa. Then we're gonna take the dog to the V-E-T. Huh? Then take Bart to get C-I-R-C-U-M-C-I-S-E-D.

Sorry, sir. Sorry.

Of course. How silly of me. You know, a town with money's a little like the mule with a spinning wheel. No one knows how he got it, and danged if he knows how to use it. Mule.

Why, you little--

Marge? I'm back here. Ah, the old folks. It happens every heat wave. Okay, people, out of my freezer! But we're hot and elderly!

Shh! Just watch. Ooh! Aha! Got 'em!

Sometimes you gotta go where everybody knows your name. Hey, guys! - Moe, get the darts. I wanna play. - No. We're phasing out the games. People drink less when they're having fun. Oh.

Hey, take it easy on Skinner. He's just down 'cause after tomorrow, everything he does is wrong. Oh, marriage is gonna be great.

I see. You keep digging like this, you're gonna go straight through to China. If it happens, it happens. Those inscrutable Americans. What are they up to now?

Well, Son, I guess it's time to go home. Any thoughts on how we're gonna get there? No. But I'm sure the Good Lord will provide. Are you crazy? I'm not driving a trainload of napalm to Springfield! Thank you.

Homer, wake up! The car's filling with-- I know. Ranch dressing. A hamster ball! Just like the one that saved Ezekiel! We're free! And we've got something to eat!

Well, with the old ball and chain gone, maybe I can finally have a little fun at the office. Ah! A candy shop. Yes. I'll take two pounds of Bristol's toffee. Oh, and don't wrap it too tightly. I'm hungry now.

I tip my hat to the new constitution Take a bow for the new revolution Well, Marge, looks like your insane experiment is over. My experiment? You're the one who came up with this whole idea-- Just like yesterday

jump, Free Willy! jump. jump with all your might. Ahh-- Oh, no. Willy didn't make it! And he crushed our boy!

Hey, why don't you be polite, you stinkin' pus bag! Pal, you gotta call that number on the boot. Sorry about that guy. They stick all the jerks in Tower One. That's it! I'm comin' over there! Why don't you come over here! - I got something for you! - Shut up, the both of youse! Thank you for calling the Parking Violations Bureau.

Yes, indeedy. Making some good scratch too. Scratch, eh? Yep. Maude, eh?

We'll laugh! (SCREAMS) (LAUGHING) (GROANS) (GASPS) Homer!

Damn it! Well, I seem to have lost my place, so I'll start over. Aw, for the love of crumb cake. Our sermon today is on constancy--

I'm gonna be sucked into a black hole! I'm gonna be sucked into oblivion! And what's gonna become of me on the other side? I don't know!

I declare an end to the spectacular 3-D blood and gore! ALL: Yay!

Burns Con el corazÓn de perro SeÑor Burns El diablo con dinero

Chestnut brown hair, kind of shy, 32 confirmed kills-- Oh! Oh, boy. Now it's coming back to me. Saddam Hussein? They should call him "So-Damn-Insane!" Hey! You're just fanning the flames of hatred!

Hey, Bart. Son? Here's my way of saying I'm sorry.

One of his problems may be his short attention span... which can lead to blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, Uh-huh. blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Mmm.

What's happening to me? Okay. Retrace your steps. Woke up, fought with Marge, ate Guatemalan insanity peppers.

Look at this. I got a ball here. I feel happy now. I needed more money to support my growing family.

Homer had a piece of food on his face for three days. It wasn't little either. It was a chicken wing. Wing! Ooh, what was that? It doesn't matter. Let's get some margaritas. I'm buying.

- You win, Bart. - Lisa ! Are we there yet, Dad ? I'll tell you when. Go back to your smell game.

Well, it is starting to rain, but I could hardly be blamed for that, can I? Yes. Very good.

But, Marge, I swear to you, I never thought you'd find out!

Bad, bad company Until the day I die

You are the rudest man who ever... bought me dinner. Correction. I do not believe I have ever bought you-- Oh.

Hey, who unplugged my freezer? Return to your state of living death at once, sir. Is that you, Apu? Whoa! Time has ravaged your once-youthful looks.

Hey, I found a shortcut through your hedge maze. Why, you little-- No, no. Go easy on the wee one. His father's gonna go crazy and chop 'em all into haggis. - What's haggis? - Boy, you read my thoughts!

Ahoy hoy, St. Nick. "Pranksgiving?" Uh-oh. Prepare to be boarded. What are you doing here? I told you. I'm not your monkey anymore. Silence, monkey. Now that you're Father Christmas,

A snake bit me. Back in line, maggot! Our arts and crafts center is, in actuality, a Dickensian workhouse. Come on, wimps! These Gucci wallets have to be on the streets of Hong Kong by Friday.

Wheel him out quietly. It's best the children don't see him. Oh, just get it out of here!

Ladies and gentlemen, Hooray For Everything invites you...

Don't! Stop it!

Well, come in, young man. Wait a second. If he's your date, who are you ? I'm... a spare. Excuse me. Now that that unpleasantness is behind us forever, let's take a picture of the happy couple. Say "Cheez Whiz."

Ho-- Homer, it's-- it's all just an act. Stop! Stop! He's already dead! Got him, sir! I got his leg. Uh, Krusty the Clown, everybody.

Free sample of fabric softener? Whoo-hoo! Mmm! I can feel three kinds of softness. Dad, what are you doing down there? Washin' my "fat guy" hat, honey.

Must you be forever dialing that phone?

I need your advice. ts about a lady.

Why you little... (IMITATES CHOKING)

Isn't that whole area a little iffy? Hey, I'm no geographer. You and I, why don't we call it pocket bread? Huh? Uh, what's tahini? Flavor sauce. And falafel? Crunch patties. So we'd be selling foreign food. Specialty foods.

First, he wrecks your car. Then he steals mine. Your father's out of control.

That's right, Don Brodka. Your son, Bart, has been caught shoplifting.

We can't keep living like this. Moses, ask Pharaoh to let your people go. Oh, now they're my people. Scrub harder, slave! I want to be able to eat off that thing! And make it snappy. It's almost lunchtime. Excuse me, uh, Pharaoh?

Can I go to the bathroom before we leave? We gotta get home. I don't want to miss Inside the Actor's Studio. Tonight it's F. Murray Abraham.

Look at Branford ii! Isn't that cute? He thinks he's one of the Models Inc. Get that cat out of the way!

Oh! You’ve just been "Marge-inalized."

A left-handed corkscrew? Oh, baby. "Kiss me-- I'm left-handed?" That's a classic. Whoa! It's Homer Simpson. Tell him I went out. He needs you to help Ned Flanders. Ned is in trouble?!

Hmm? We think we saw Hugo at the airport. He was boarding a plane to Switzerland, and-- Oh.

Here you go, Ralph.

I'm going away for a week. See ya! Nah. The National Grammar Rodeo? I wish I were going. Oh, wait, wait.

The principal said "potty." You listen to me, son. You've just started school,

Thank you, Dad. - Hey, Dad. Can I have some money for a panda cone? - Gah! What do you do with the $68 I send your mother every month? Weekday Dad wanted a DVD player.

That is one vicious baby bird! Dad, they aren't birds. Sure, they are. They came from eggs in a bird's nest, therefore they're birds. "Ickso fatso." One-- they don't have beaks. Two-- they don't have feathers. And three-- they're lizards! You're a lizard! Enough bickering. I know how to settle this. - No Kickboxing. - Ohh.

Now, Marge, while Homer recuperates, I'm afraid you'll pretty much have to do everything for him. That's okay. I can handle it. Homie, why don't you just relax and have a little soup? Too hot. Too hot. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Aaah! Hot! Hot! Hot. Warm. Tepid. Cool. Cold.

Sunshine on my shoulders MAkeS me Happy

Now, you each have a knob in front of you. When you like what you see, turn the knob to the right. When you don't like what you see, turn it left. My knob tastes funny. Please refrain from tasting the knob.

When did that happen?

What's for dessert? No dessert until you eat your broccoli. Oh, fine. Mmm. Another broccoli-related death. But I thought broccoli was-- Oh, yes.

Look, the thing about my family is there's five of us. Marge, Bart, girl Bart, the one who doesn't talk, and the fat guy.

Son, if you don't dig more coal, they'll put you on the dynamite gang. No dynamite! (SOBBING) I didn't realize British coal miners had it so bad. There's blood on your hands, Mrs. Thatcher!

Guards, remove this coked-out man-balloon from my sight! But he misread my pee! He misread my pee! (CRYING)

but they have to honeymoon in a box full of snakes? Son, that's the stupidest idea I ever heard. And I know exactly who would pay top dollar for it. (DIALING) FEMALE VOICE: You've reached Fox. If you're pitching a show where gold-digging skanks get what's coming to them, press one.

Uh-oh! Whoa! I'm riding a unicycle with my pants down. This should be every boy's dream.

I don't remember a bowling alley being there--

A solar eclipse. The cosmic ballet goes on. Does anyone want to switch seats? I did it.

Woo-hoo! Ow! So, Lenny, let's say you pull a thorn out of the pope's butt, and he grants you one wish. What'll it be? Hmm. Only one, huh?

Hey! Commence bio-duplication.

Oh, sure. When a man does it, it's smutty. But if a woman did it-- Homer, Cathy is a woman. Oh, come on. You're right. What are you guys doing? We're gonna roll down the hill.

No. Why do you say that? You got to get me closer, Chief! Anything for love! (GRUNTS) Okay, time to chase this pig into the sty. Uh, Marge, you deserve a man who listens to you,

Ladies and gentlemen, Krusty the Clown is dead.

Well, maybe you need... a divorce! Call the divorce specialists now for a consultation and free tote bag. Ooh, there's the turn! Oh! Oh, easy!

You call this a soccer riot? Come on, boys. Let's take 'em to school! Oi! Oi! Oi!

I got two words for this sermon. Am I boring you, Bart? Well, to be honest, yes. Hey, I'm doing the best with the material I have.

Carnies took over our house. You've gotta help us! Well, well, look who's here. Mr. No-Bribe.

Well, he sure makes life a lot easier around here. You have to admit that. Well, okay, I will, if you admit you love Bart. Okay. Okay. I love Bart. - Well ? - What ? Well ? Oh, Adil's a very sweet boy. Darn tootin'.

He sure is, patron.

Mr Simpson? Dr. Foster. Please come with me. You folks are free to roam the grounds. just remember, one of our patients is a cannibal. Try to guess which one. I think you'll be pleasantly surprised.

Geez, now we're slaves. This paw sucks. Okay, I'll make a wish that can't backfire. I wish for a turkey sandwich, on rye bread... with lettuce and mustard...

Then go! I'll be just fine! - Do you know how to cook dinner? - Do I?

Don't tell him you were at a bar. But what else is open at night? It's a pornography store. I was buying pornography. Heh-heh-heh. I would've never thought of that.

For me? Bobo? Ahh! Smithers, I'm so happy. Something amazing has happened. I'm actually happy! Take a note: From now on I'm only going to be good and kind to everyone!

1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10,11,12. (GRUNTS) Nice try, boys. Now, as the Road Runner said to the Coyote, "Meep meep!" (MOANS) Everyone in town is wise to us. We need someone new we can prank.

Oh, well, thank you. I'm gonna make sure you boys... have the best possible Pre-Teen Brave experience. But I was chosen by the Great Spirit to teach these young Braves... the ways of the antelope and the ear of corn-- which we call maize-- that the papoose--

Although I will miss the jury room cold cuts. And the Quality Inn more than lived up to its name... Case dismissed! ...business center, workout room, an honor bar I was honored to use... That's enough.

They're already here

I'm at the wrong school! En Français. Sorry. I was rushing because I'm in the wrong school. Can you believe that? It's understandable. All the schools in this area were built from identical plans.

You guys want to see something gross?

Just 'cause it was cooked in a garbage can don't make it garbage. (CHUCKLING)

Well, I'll always have my crank calls. Hello? Old lady from Titanic? You stink! And it grows to a powerful, emotional climax... when the father has to choose...

I know you from school. Yes. A simple proposition, Ralph. How would you like to make a dollar? Uh, I don't know. All you have to do is sign a paper that says I can have your soul. I need a soul, Ralph. Any soul. Yours!

it's not unusual to have fun with anyone Mwah! Ooh! Get help, luv. Call Interpol, get me a hacksaw, anything. It's not unusual it happens every day no matter what you say

Brown. Brown. Brown.

Yeah, Dad. You can be the world's laziest stunt organizer. Why, you little-- ¡No más! iNo más!

Oh, oh. Thanks, boy. I love you, Dad. I love you, son. Aaaaaaaaahhh!

Whoo ! Doh ! Whoo ! Doh ! Whoo ! Doh ! Whoo ! Doh ! Whoo-hoo ! Doh ! Whoo-hoo ! Doh ! Whoo-hoo ! Whoo-hoo ! 249 ! Yeah ! Wah-wah-wah ! Marge ! Marge ! Look at me ! My clothes are just hangin' off me. That's wonderful ! Isn't it, kids ?

Can't go wrong with Congreve's. A half ton of newspaper, and all we get is 75 cents? That won't even cover the gas I used to go to the store to buy the twine to tie up the bundles. It sounds like you're working for your car.

30 seconds till your Little Stinker sketch. Get me a bigger lolly. Now, Johnny, whatcha got for us?

He's got a heart as big as my boobs! I guess we'll have to agree to agree on this one. Boobs! Smithers, do you know Bill from Accounting? - That's his daughter. - Hmm.

and lost control of its servo-guidance mechanism... leaving us with some... six hours to live. So let's go live now to the charred remains of the only bridge out of town... with Arnie Pie and Arnie in the Sky. With the bridge gone and the airport, unfortunately, on the other side of the bridge,

I'm very mad at 'ou. Well, what do we have here? Looks like the biggest rip-off since Webster.

Have you thought about one of the other major religions? They're all pretty much the same.

Ha! Go, go, go! No one's doing any bumping. Time to ram-a-lam these ding-dongs.

(ALL EXCLAIMING) HOMER: Ew!

Whoa! Whew. That was close. Uh, Bart? Not now, Lise. I'm trying to relax.

That'll hold me, at least till I get my hands... on some kind of explosives. Congratulations, Simpson. You just fell for our sting and won yourself three-months' detention.

Oh, yeah ? Wanna bet ? I'm not a betting man. Oh, I'm a chicken, am I ? - That's right. - All right. How's this for a wager ? A-A-A batch of your wife's delicious blueberry muffins...

Remember me as a hero. Yar! The looters stole me glass eye! Ooh. This be a Super Ball. Back in my day, we had people who stood up to ruffians. We called them men.

Come on. I have to be up at 6:00 a.m. to swipe Flanders's newspaper. What the-- "President Eisenhower celebrates 40th wedding anniversary. Not pictured, Mrs. Eisenhower." I'm sorry. This is all my fault.

Hey, we were watching that ! Mom, what are you doing ? Well, you won't be watching these cartoons anymore, ever ! But, Mom, if you take our cartoons away, we'll grow up without a sense of humor and be robots ! Really ? What kind of robots ? I heard about the cartoons. Tough break, man. Thanks, Nelson.

Vietnam veteran.

That's my collection of fur balls in stomach acid. You idiot! You're trying to kill me, man!

Spending the day together as a family. Yea!

Oh, no. I could never sell him. He's like a frozen father to me. How much for just the head? By gum, it worked. I've awakened in the future.

Of course! Apples! No, Connie, over here! Help me! Mom, Dad, look what I found! Oh, boy! Buffalo testicles! Mmm! No, Dad, they're apples.

Who should appear but the unrequited love of my college years-- Mimsie Bankcroft. Of course by then, Mimsie had her share of wrinkles... and a gray hair or two, but my adoring eyes saw past those minor imperfections, to her 21-year-old daughter, lily. I took lily to the local "cinematorium,"

D'oh, the pain! D'oh, the pain of it all!

J Make up your mind 'cause i gotta go J J i 'm gonna raise hell at the union hall J J Drive myself right over the waiiJ J Pip this joint Gonna save your souiJ J Round and round and round we go J J Roll this joint Gonna get down io wJ J Start my starter Gonna stop the showJ J Yeah JJ

Excuse me, Nurse. My name is Simmons, and I think I have the wrong pills. I get two red ones for my back spasms, a yellow one for my arrhythmia... and two of the bluest eyes I've ever seen in my life. Then these must be-- Then I have your-- They must have-- They must have--

Little Marge. And the rest! Oh, I've lost everything! I can't go on! No. No, no! I can't just wallow in sadness. It's time to laugh again!

Hello. I'm Sergeant Crew, and I'm here to talk to you about... road... rage. Duh! Quiet, fatso! The sergeant's talking! Go on, dear. In these modern, hectic days of fast food,

Okay, okay, just Fort Worth! Ah! Hello, UN Women's Conference! (EXCLAIMS)

Oh, Lisa, this isn't real. It's just how you might look if you were a cartoon character. I'm an ugmo. Now, that's not true. You're cute as a bug's ear. Fathers have to say that stuff. Dad, am I cute as a bug's ear? - No! You're homely as a mule's butt! - There. See? I'd like to be alone, please.

Bart, over here! Come on! Bart, come on! Just throw it, doofus! Ah, crap. Great debut, Son. You really settled in after some early jitters. Are you kidding? I reeked.

Wow ! Look at these bowling balls, Maggie. Can you think of a better way for Daddy to spend his hard-won 50 bucks ? Now I've seen everything. Black marbleized with a liquid center. "The Stealth Bowler: The pins don't know what hit them."

All right! Special holiday meal.

Ah, Marge is throwin' me out for blabbin' about her elbow thing. Honey, the door blew shut. Oh. Fine. If that's what you want, you've got it. This scene is gettin' old, man. I'm hittin' the road.

Hello, Simpsons. Artie Ziff! None other!

You want me to help you with your alcoholism? No, I'm in a good place with that. Why don't you just take these pamphlets? Yeah, I'll definitely read those later. Now, listen, if you could just see your way clear to... (WHISPERS INDISTINCTLY) Very well.

Help! We're being carjacked. Don't get clever, old man. Now take us to Dress Barn. Where have you been, Neddie? In the bathroom-- not trimmin' my mustache.

Floor baby! Floor baby! You're making fun of him for something you made him do! Yeah? Well, you're gay. People who accuse others of being gay are often covering up their own latent homosexuality. Um, uh... (GRUNTS) Bullies rule!

Never trust a weirdo! Azoot!

You know, uh, it is a special occasion. Yeah. We probably should, you know, "rock the casbah."

So, let's just see what the permanent record has to say. No detention, fairly good attendance... I see you beat that bed-wetting problem. That's in there? Don't worry. They'll forget... just like they forgot about me in that tiger cage for 18 agonizing months.

Oh, P.U., what were you drinking, gasoline? Yes, I was drinking gasoline, Mother.

Party, party, party, party! Hmm? You want to know a little trick? To downsize my derriere, I just tie a sweater around it.

I want to know why my money isn't bringing you happiness. Oh, Bea, I'm not cut out for the high life. Abraham, if you're not happy with the money, why don't you spread it around ? Make other people as happy as you made me. Oh, thanks, Bea. I will !

Waive it! Stupid anti-fist-shaking laws! The Simpsons are riding the rails! Cool. A dead hobo.

But he'll never know! - Good grief. - Oh! My head! How long have I been out here? All night. You were yelling at the swing. I was? But I love the swing.

Oh, my ! All this senseless violence. I don't understand it's appeal. We don't expect you to, Mom. If cartoons were meant for adults, they'd put them on in prime time.

You better stick your head in and see what's goin' on. Good idea. No, Dad! I think there's a leak in the line! Leak in the line?

Custard! Custard! Custard! They make The Blue Man Group look like Mummenschanz, which is still pretty good. Oh, the second one wants custard, too? That's a little repetitive.

Can you tell us what it's like in there?

Now, you come down from there, missy! I won't come down till you spare this tree. Hang in there, Laura! It's Lisa! Right! Lisa. You're hard core.

Oh, boy! This thing is shredding my insides! Uh, Krusty, that wasn't a metal one. That was a regular Krusty-o. It's poison.

as a young boy, I dreamed of being a baseball. But tonight I say we must move forward, not backward, upward, not forward... and always twirling, twirling, twirling towards freedom!

Oh, I'll never mock the Coast Guard again. You Navy rejects are all right. Mr. Simpson, give me your license.

You people took advantage of trusting schoolchildren. How did you get past Gary Coleman? Let's just say he's a few prawns short of a galaxy. I'm sorry, Gary. There's no longer a place for you here.

"The Paddling of the Swollen Ass-- With Paddles." Ow! Ow! Ow! Aah! Ow! Oh! Oh! And by the sacred parchment, I swear that if I reveal the secrets of the Stonecutters, may my stomach become bloated, and my head be plucked of all but three hairs.

Not on my shift! Yip!

Do you dare enter the Screamatorium of Dr. Frightmarestein? Only two tickets left. Two tickets? Whoa, what a break.

Hey, Lise, there was a big train wreck last night. Do you wanna see the victims? Hmm, okay. Yaah! Bart, that's gross! You're right. Let's bury them at sea. Bleah! Da-a-d!

(DOORBELL RINGING)

"Distracted," that's a funny word. Does anyone ever get "tracted"? Let me call the suicide hotline and ask 'em.

I'm here to see Grandpa. Half the people here are named Grandpa. Well, Grandpa Simpson then. Second floor, third dank room on the left. Thanks, lady. "Dear Advertisers,

(LAUGHS DERISIVELY) Dream on, pal. Homer, the capital of Kentucky is Frankfort. Really? Frankfort-er. Is that anything? Uh, yes, it's something, dear. See, it's all legit. Now make with the party. All right, boy! Which con did you work here? Copy off another kid? Pay attention and take notes?

Hmm. And Bart is set for the week. Oh, no. Sorry, Mrs. S. He was kinda disrupting things at work.

So here's the deal. You freeze everything as it is, and I won't ask for anything more. If that is okay, please give me absolutely no sign. Okay, deal. In gratitude, I present you this offering of cookies and milk. If you want me to eat them for you, give me no sign. Thy will be done.

Anyhow, i must've looked at somebody the wrong way, because the next thing i knew, i was running for my life.

Sure I do. I just wanna have a beer while I'm caring. Bart ? Homer ! Go ahead, Lisa. Okay. I got an "A" on my vocabulary test. What ? You did ? Well, that's just-- Oh, what a glorious day !

Wow, Dad. Homer, can I get you a beer? No. I want to get him a beer. Kids, kids, you can each get me a beer. But first, let's see it again in super slow motion.

- No! No bribes! - Okay, you win.

This is partly my fault! Prank be undone! Destroy the evil one! Not me. Help me, Bart!

Yes, he would. So you want me to go to college? College? Ha! Barber or clown? Bart!

For, you see, I have been on Mars for the last decade... in a cave with my eyes shut and my fingers in my ears. TouchÉ, Cecil. I'm aware of your felonious past but you are still my brother.

I thought this thing was gonna be catered.

I really do. I'm not saying that. I mean it. You got color in there. - You're not Roman, are you ? - No !

Bust in here and take it? You must be stupider than you look. Stupider like a fox!

Arrivederci, Vito.

Hey, jackass! Your voice sounds familiar!

Hmm. Young man, there's nothing funny about novelties. I mean, they're humorous and all, but, uh, this is certainly no laughing matter. Can you help him, Doctor? Oh, my, yes.

It's called Little Pwagmattasquarmsettport. It's known as America's scrod basket.

How's it hangin', Marge? Yuck! I'm baking like a meat loaf under this wet wool. Uh, may I take your coat, Aunt Selma? Um, I would also like to take your coat.

Let's welcome two new additions to the team, Smash Diggins and Fishbone Walker. Lucky for us, they were sent down from the majors... for drug violations. Stupid isotopes.

there are no telephones. Dear God. What have I done? Think again, jimmy. The firing pin in your gun was made of... yup... zinc. Come back, zinc.

Oh, hard luck. Glad to "rake" your acquaintance.

Homer, how could you? Okay, okay, it was me. I'm sorry I blew your secret. But you don't know what it's like to be a nobody. I just wanted to bask in your reflected glory. Reflected glory! Homer, you betrayed our confidence. I just don't think we can be friends anymore. But where will I bask?

Now that's the can-do attitude that puts dudes in the can. (LAUGHS) Well, I'm wanted back on the set. Set? Are you the character or the actor who plays him? (EERILY) Now I must go. Wait a minute. Now you're a ghost? (EERILY) Avenge me.

He'll be back. Here, fishy, fishy, fishy. We're waiting. Son, there's something I was gonna give you at the end of this trip, but, since we may not survive,

What the hell! Oh, no! Oh, man! Your Frisbee jammed the juice-ilator, Homer. Our entire shipment is ruined! Uh, uh, pretty, uh, freaky, huh?

What have they done for us lately? Let's move. Hmm. Baa!

Oh, that's it, Gould! And you keep your lousy dog off my lawn! Dear Diary- "l have a crush on Kenny." That's mel You would like me. Loser! f Male Announcer] Girls, don 't tet this happen to you.

Hmm. - I want a job. - You've got it. Ooh, ooh. Ow!

Grampa, I gotta tell ya. She's a stone-cold hoochie. Straight up, Marge. That hoochie only likes you because you can drive.

Homer, my customers are sobering up, and they ain't gonna stick around for the "ambiance." You gotta get me more beer! Sorry, I'm all out. How about some turpentine? Or caulk? Delicious caulk? Look, find it, buy it, make it-- I don't care. - just get me some booze, and fast! - Make it, eh?

I wish I could make a difference, Lisa. But I'm just one man! I agree. But how? They're after the tomacco!

You saved us, Maggie! I don't know, Bart. Something tells me Willie's still out there, and that he could come back... any time, in any form, and kill us in ways we can't even imagine!

Lousy, stupid Denver. mmM!

Sam, he's got a point. Katharine Hepburn never showed her breasts. There's still time.

Hey, that's a half-truth.

Oh! Lights out, losers!

The pig has made you into his mother, his mother. You are not the hot love object you deserve to be, deserve to be, deserve to be. If he doesn't start loving, leave him, leave him, leave him, leave him.

Lisa, what did I ever do to you-ou-ou? Why does it talk like a lamb?

Hey, G.I. Joe. Your sign's broken. We're already in Australia. Actually, sir, the embassy is considered American soil, sir. Really? Look, boy! Now I'm in Australia. Now I'm in America. Australia! America! Australia! America! I get it, Dad.

The frogurt is also cursed. That's bad. But you get your choice of topping. That's good! The toppings contain potassium benzoate. That's bad. Can I go now?

I can taste that get-together now. Hey! I was holding that. Next time I'll knock your hat off, scab.

But first, E.T., phone Homer... Simpson, that is. Marge! Kids! They're about to show my videotape. Local man, Homer Simpson, shown here with his tongue stuck to a lamppost, has given us this videotape. It's a close encounter of the blurred kind.

- I've got a master's degree in folklore and mythology. - Excuse me. Do you have the Carl Yastrzemski baseball card from 1973, when he had big sideburns ? Show me the 30 bucks, because if you ain't got it, I ain't gettin' off the stool. Okay. Wait a minute. Martin, if you, Milhouse and I went in together,

Hello, is this President Clinton? Good! I figured if anyone knew where to get some Tang, it'd be you. Shut up! Excuse me.

Thank you. Here come sandwiches Here come sandwiches right down Boozy Bum Lane Brother Ned's got cheese on bread and a side order of shame. Bells... Where the H-E-C-K is everybody?

Look who's here! Ooh, who's a good boy? He's the best boy! Oh, yes, he is! Yes, he is!

Simpson, eh? Uh, Mr. Smithers! I don't understand 2,700 of my new duties. Well, the van's leaving. Which one duty is giving you the most trouble? Um, what do I do in case of fire? Sorry. Can't hear you. Bye.

¡Ay! Iuna "candelabra" "precariosa"!

Cobras! Cobras! I thought I would hate working nights, but it's so peaceful. And there's no one here to squeal on me for shootin' mice. - Can I ask you somethin', Dad? - Sure, boy.

That's all well and good for sheep, but what are we to do? - Boring! Let's watch something else. - Aww! Now, boys. Mr. Simpson is the guest. He gets to decide what to watch. Yeah. Hey, what gives? I thought you had a satellite dish.

Sometimes I'd have to read the cake just to know who I was singing to. The Simpsons was a smash. Viewers couldn't get enough of the show's fractured take on the modern family. The funniest stuff came right out of real life. Son, let's go out for frosty chocolate milk shakes. Cowabunga, dude! And... cut!

Aw, come on. That cornball routine ? "I love you, Daddy." Give me a break. - I pity you. - Why ? After you. Thank you so much.

Get away from me, loser.

but I can't think of a way to finish that sentence.

Hello, American investor. I see you are interested in distributing Mr. Sparkle in your home prefecture. You have chosen wisely.

Eew! Oh, for the love of puppies. Homer, you're the nicest guy in town. Ha-ha! Your position has been usurped. Usurped. You heard me. Ha-ha! (CHANTING) You're sad at Christmas.

Uh-oh. Ooh. Okay, don't panic. Remember what the instructor said. If you ever get into trouble, all you need to do is-- Feels like I'm wearing nothin' at all.

Oh! They were just about to show some close-ups of the rod.

Kids who don't get to take music and art are 10% more likely to become chronically unemployed and appear in one of my movies. Where did you get that statistic? Your mother! The student strikers have been joined by other unions including the Springfield Goat Milkers, the Association of News Room Cue Card Holders... Ow.

Yeah, but-- Hey, yutz. Guns aren't toys. They're for family protection, hunting dangerous or delicious animals,

He could still surprise ya. But I'm a real tightwad. Can I afford this remarkable system? Absolutely. My prices are so low, you'll think I've suffered brain damage. You are fully bonded and licensed by the city, aren't you, Mr. Plow? Shut up, boy. So, remember-- Call Mr. Plow that's my name

No. The world needs laughter. Are we gonna die, son? Yeah. But at least we'll take a lot of innocent people with us. Homer? Homer? Y'ello? Homer, there's a man here who thinks he can help you. Batman? No, he's a scientist. Batman's a scientist.

You'll always be number one to me. Hello! Firstborn within earshot.

Bart! What? Oh, look at that. Why did you do that? Wouldn't it be fun if we watched the game together? Uh... okay. just don't say anything, and sit down over there. Over. Over. Over.

I didn't say "hello."

And it all started with the dancing shoes you bought me.

Somebody light this monkey. Aaah! Help! Bad monkey.

Pull in there! Aah! Aw, great! Now I'm upside down!

Mmm. "squalid hellhole"? "Toilet paper hung in improper overhand fashion"? "Dogs mating on dining room table"?

Mom, why are you so worried about money? Oh, we're just saving for a very rainy day. You mean when the big tuna goes belly-up? Huh? Well, I just think we should be building a nest egg.

I sketched out exactly what I wanted. But what I was goin' for-- Did you even look at the napkin? Oh, I was in the zone that day. Yeah. You see, I didn't want to go so cutesy-wootsy. - Because-- - Because it's not my style.

Just one minute left to get into heaven. There's gotta be some good deed I can do. Come on. Think, think! My baby! Stop that crying! Man, you're annoying!

Hey, pay attention and stop looking at that squirrel. We get 40 bucks an hour to drive these rigs. Do you think anybody would hire us if they knew we weren't really driving the trucks? Wow! You guys are even lazier than me. Well, don't worry. I'll keep your secret.

Mine is! No way, man. My hair is who I am! Ow, I'm a freak! What the--

I'd just like to say this gig sucks! Hey, up yours, Springfield! One, two, three, four!

D'oh! Whoa-oh-oh. Eeyii!

I don't think they'll be gone long, and she's in good hands. There aren't any dangerous animals...

Secrets and lies!

Lisa, I'd like you to meet Alex Whitney.

Oh, thank goodness! Where were you? Guess how many boobs I saw today, Marge? Fifteen! Ohh! I hope he didn't cause too much trouble, Sheriff. Ah, boys will be boys.

That woman means the world to me. Would it be all right if I read from my Bible? Of course. (GULPS) No wonder they call it the Good Book. I am so cheesed off! I need a drink!

I'm dying. I'm dying.

the Good Book says a gentle answer turneth away wrath. A gentle answer. That is a jim-dandy idea. Bless you, Reverend. "Dear Neighbor." Flanders !

- I send you premium. Answer question 100%. - Hmm! The Lord will hear your lamentations...

Do for me my favorite trick... where you ride the little bike through the loop, and I will let you live. But I've never been able to do that-- How about if I just squirt you in the face with my boutonniere? Okay.

Takes one to know one.

Oh! I know. I'll hitchhike! Oh, why isn't this working?

Nothing exciting ever happens. Congratulations, Homer Simpson! You've just won the employee raffle. Whoo-hoo! What do I get? The job of industrial chimney sweep for a day! Whoo-hoo!

Yea! Isotopes! Whoo! Isotopes!

That's better. I got a report on a domestic disturbance at this address. Yes, indeed there is.

It's a fairy tale.

I'm sick of these constant bear attacks. It's like a freakin' Country Bear jamboroo around here! Well, now, realistically, Homer, I've lived here some 30-odd years.

You're my best friend. Thanks, Krusty. Buy my cereal. Buy my cereal. I didn't do it ! Oh, I wish I could believe you.

Rise and shine, everybody. You went to the snack car? Yeah. But first I talked to the engineer. He said there's a procedure for dealing with events of this nature.

I'm disrupting the learning process, and I love it! First prize! First prize! First prize! First prize! First prize! First prize! Why are you saying that? just screwin' with your mind.

Why, there are no children here at the 4-H Club either. Am I so out of touch? No. It's the children who are wrong.

Lisa, never, ever stop in the middle of a hoedown. Oh, honey, I didn't realize how much that horn meant to you. Don't worry. Daddy's gonna get it back. I don't know how, but I'll figure out something.

Out of my way! Look out, you horse's arse! Sucker. Huh? Hey, what's up? Some poor kid fell down a well.

Don't ever change. - Sparkle, sparkle. - Bart! - Pinhole leak! - Dad? The earring could plug the hole. I'll plug your hole! I mean, eureka!

i don't think so. I don't think so either. You're collecting days are over, Collector!

but Mr. Malloy broke the law. And when you break the law, you gotta go to jail. That reminds me. Here's your monthly kickback. You just-- You couldn't have picked a worse time.

Let's take a walk. Walk? That wasn't part of the deal. We're here. Get in. Uh, m-my shirt fell off.

The first number is 17. D'oh!

This is terrible. Um-- So, Trent, where's the party bus headed now? what? Well, I'm glad you changed your name back to Homer Simpson.

Laxative? Ooh! Yeah. Uh, Mother, may I read a magazine while I wait in the car? Don't you read enough at school, bookworm? I am so sick of doing her dirty work.

"Due to the likelihood of fear-induced heart attacks, we're offering all patrons million-dollar life insurance policies." Life insurance? Hmm. Will I be able to borrow against the equity? I don't know, sir. It comes free with the popcorn. Is that air-popped?

You didn't say which bed! Go to your bed! Make me! I'll make you! If you want me, you gotta catch me! Almost. Oh, so close. Bart!

What the... Dad, Mr. Burns cut our power! Now, I can't print my paper! These batteries have to power everything in our house! Yo, I'll tell you what I want what I really, really want What I want, what I want I'll tell you what I want

And now, with some fresh insights, one of the rising young stars of our nuclear family, Homer Simpson.

Hey. "Viva la"-- "Kiss Me"-- What? Hey! Ah, for the love of jeff. Ah! Oh. Am I really that ugly? Moe, it's all relative. Is Lenny really that dumb? Huh? is Barney that drunk?

My potbellied pig is in there! Ah, Mr. Porky! No! Inevitably, the behind-the-scenes turmoil... took its toll on their TV series.

One square watermelon, please. Oh, my goodness. Homer, those are $150. It's worth every cent. I'm tired of fumbling with round fruit. D'oh! Well, maybe we should just head back to the hotel.

Whoo-hoo-hoo. That's sweet.

Ooh, it's so beautiful! This is what I imagine Paris must be like. You've never been? I'm so honored that Springfield has been chosen to host all these upscale chain stores. I guess this makes us yuppies, huh, Homie?

Here you go. Free Pretzel Wagon pretzels for everyone. One bite, and you'll be hooked. Thank you. Gracias. That means thank you, Marge. Ladies and gentlemen, a winner has been chosen for today's giveaway.

(SCOFFS) Shrink ray? Oh, there's always something else to buy. First, I lower the capsule top, thusly. Then I zap the capsule, thisly.

Who's ready for a kitten? I am! Make mine calico! Here you go. (MEWING) This whole morning has been wonderful... (KITTEN PURRING) Too wonderful. You're right. This is it! They're selling us to be crash test dummies. Oh, please let it be Volvo.

No! Okay, here it comes. Keep your eyes on the chair. Look, Dad. It's the drummer from Bread. Where?

Okay, okay. I didn't ask for your life story. Let the initiation begin. All Stonecutters must take the Leap of Faith. If you survive this five-story plunge, your character will be proven. Happy landings!

"Dear Lisa, may your new saxophone bring you years of d'oh!"

Yesterday, we asked if you wanted to risk it all for $500,000. And you stalled for 20 minutes. Yes. Yes, I did. I was told to. Hey, that's great. But now we must have your answer... in the next 10 or 15 minutes. Ooh. You want some of this? Well, do ya? I can honestly say I do.

I'd even go to an employee's house. Oh, I can picture it now. The screen door rusting off its filthy hinges, mangy dogs staggering about looking vainly for a place to die. Permission to speak frankly, sir ? Permission granted. Well, you are quite wealthy-- Thank you, Smithers. Your candor is most refreshing.

It looks like an amusement park. You're right! Maude designed a Christian amusement park. Oh, it must've been her final dream. Hey, how about that? Let's build it for her, Daddy.

Don't worry, Bart. They won't bother you anymore. I hardly ever let Mother fight for me anymore. Sorry, Bart. I'm gonna hang out with Lisa. For protection... and to be seen!

Let's never drink again. And we never did.

The merry old land of Oz? Oh, no. The Springfield Mall. Here, you two, make a wish. Nah! It's fun. No, it isn't. You must have something you want to wish for. Hmm, let's see... Nah. Hmm... Hey!

The idea that someone like that could operate under my very nose is laughable. Well, you all know what laughter sounds like.

Crackton. Crackton is the stop. Crackton? That doesn't sound right. industrial Access Road. Airport Refueling Way.

and toilet paper as dog toilet paper. Mmm. Ah. Convinced that the good times would never stop rolling, the Simpsons moved out of their trademark house and into M.C. Hammer's. Mm.

- But not the imported. - Homer! You've got to set limits, Marge. No beer! Get your T-shirts here! "I survived the Springfield riot!"

- It's Friday. - Uh-oh. Wrong pills. Uh, little help?

No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No.

Whoa, cool! God is so "in your face." - Yeah. He's my favorite fictional character. - Ooh.

Wanna go see my project for the school science fair? No, Lisa. But I sure don't wanna eat this crappy breakfast. Here, little fella. Dad, no! Error. I'm sorry. I thought he was a party robot.

By building a casino, I could tighten my stranglehold on this dismal town! Yea! Yea! Well, now. Are there any objections? Probably Marge is gonna have some. Actually, I think it might really help our economy.

Agh! Him again!

We better check with a doctor. Welcome to Virtual Doctor.

- Whoo! - Right there!

Lord have mercy, I wish I weren't so fat.

The safe baby craze. It's sweeping Springfield, thanks to one crusading parent. That's me! Safety dance! You can dance You can dance Everybody look at your pants But while Homer Simpson has made our babies safe,

And what are your reasons for wanting a little brother? Don't say revenge. Don't say revenge. Uh, revenge? That's it. I'm gettin' out of here. Welcome aboard, Mr. Simpson.

Thank you. I knew I had seen this exact scene somewhere else. It was in the movie Mr. Lampwick showed me. Ladies and gentlemen, this drawing was made in 1919-- nine years before Roger Myers made his first Itchy and Scratchy cartoon.

You may inside come. I got phi beta cappuccinos for Ned's pre-meds. BOTH: Flanders? That's odd. I could've sworn I just heard someone shriek my name. BART: You heard nothing! That's better.

Aw, big deal. Who needs his money? We're gettin' by okay. Son! You gotta help me! I hit three people on the way over here, and I don't have any insurance! So, how's by you?

Ooh, they are a ravenous swarm of locusts... just eating and screaming and grabbing and poking and pulling and drooling. And two have cradle rash. How do you get cradle rash when you sleep in a suitcase? They can be a handful... of joy.

I'm here ! Now where's that millionaire... chip-off-the-old-block I call sonny boy ? Get in, Dad. I'll explain on the way home. Ohh ! I knew you'd blow it !

You people should be ashamed of yourselves. Shary, you did the best you could, but you can't change this family, and neither can I. From now on, I'm just gonna sit back and enjoy the ride. But haven't I taught you people anything? No. No. No.

(CRIES) Bart! (GRUNTS) Hmm. Where's the pain? (GROANS) Ow! There it is! (CRYING) A spider?

Nope, nope... Uh... That would cut it a little close. You have to be more aggressive, sir. Nonsense. One of our good citizens will slow down and wave me in. Nope.

One hot dog, please. Apu, will you ever stop selling spoiled meat? No. I mean, yes. I mean-- Uh-oh. I think I come off very well. Monster! Run, children!

Oh! Aw, the flash didn't go off! You got another one in you, josh? The whole town's laughing at me. Even that cat out there. Bart, kill that cat! Okay! And that big yellow flower!

She has the sloping brow and cranial bumpage of the career criminal. Uh, sir, phrenology was dismissed as quackery 160 years ago. Of course you'd say that. You have the brainpan of a stagecoach tilter. At any rate, the F.B.I. will track down this mystery woman... and put her behind bars.

Ahh, that dummy doesn't scare me. I've had plenty of guys come after me, and I've buried 'em all. Hobos, sea captains, Joey Bishop-- - Don't forget the Special Olympics. - Oh, yeah. I slaughtered the Special Olympics. Are those our ratings? Let me see.

trying to get A nut to move your butt to the dance floor so, yo, what's up hands in the air come on, say yeah everybody over here everybody over there the crowd is live and I pursue this groove - party people in the house - move

Two uni. And, oh, I don't believe I've tried the flying fish roe.

How many times have I fought beside you, Gyro? And this is how you repay me? Pyro! Gyro! Settle down! Can't we shut down that infernal transmitter? Can't we just blow it up? You go ahead, girlfriend! They're the worst! Yeah!

He's kicking it old-school.

Dad, can we stop at Flickey's? No.

Dad ? Not now, Lisa ! Oh, come on ! Homer. What ?

I must make sure that you only buy items available in 1895. Oreos? Sorry. These are from 1896. Non-scarring toilet paper. Dream on. Urkel Cys. Delicious but forbidden. I'll just take these tampons.

Your daughter could be crowned Little Miss Springfield by our host, the maitre d' of glee, Krusty the Clown! I heartily endorse this event or product.

With my baby On board Homer, you're going to be famous! Yeah, but I'm not gonna let it change our lives. I'll be the same loving father I've always been. Have you seen Bart? I stuck him somewhere.

Marge, I didn't tell 'em personal stuff. Today at the Kwik-E-Mart everybody knew I dyed my hair. Oh. You mean about you. All right, maybe I said some things, some personal things. But you should've seen 'em, Marge. They really wanted to hear what I had to say. Mmm. I'm happy about that.

Lisa, nobody likes a gloater. Right, Homie? Uh-huh. See? Yes. Thank you, everyone. But... 10% of your applause... should go to my little partner, Lisa Simpson. For, if it were not for her infectious moralizing, we would not be here today...

To the little girl's room! Yeah! That's the collection money! Oh, yeah. Smells like church.

Hmm. Tough crowd. Would everyone just rise for our national anthem? (BAND PLAYING NATIONAL ANTHEM) Hey, donkey, want a carrot?

There was no burglar. No burglar? What does he mean, no burglar? I accidentally burned up the tree... and the presents. I'm really sorry. You little-- Lisa, no!

Bravo! Well done, old man.

I know you youngsters want to see these rockin' rockers, but I also know you care about the race for sanitation commissioner. So let me give you the 911. Get off the stage! Hold on, people. The man's talking about waste management.

Huh? Oh, no. The train!

Well, I'm gonna need full coverage. My bully is highly aggressive. Check out these Indian burns. Good technique. Check it out. Ho-ho! Triple twist! Nice work! You sure this was done by hand? Yeah. She's a real purist. "She"? Sorry. We don't do girls. They bite and kick and scratch. And sometimes we fall in love.

Wow, it must be expensive to produce all these cartoons. Well, we cut corners. Sometimes to save money,

A man who, by all rights, should have been killed dozens of times by now? Uh, 316 times, by my count. That's the man who's in charge of our safety?

(MEOWING) McGrew, I am the Ghost of Christmas Past. You are so selfish your fiancee is about to leave you.

Bart, comb your hair! Homer, I don't think you should wear a short-sleeved shirt with a tie. Oh, but Sipowicz does it. If Detective Sipowicz jumped off a cliff, would you do that too? Oh, I wish I was Sipowicz.

Homer, that crazy lady who lives in our trash pile... attacked me again. That's not the way she tells it. And the school nurse says Bart has the plague.

Try to run, try to hide break on through to the other side Yeah! What was I on? Lisa, do you want a bite of my ice cream? No, thanks. Send it this way, boy. - Whoops. - Ohh.

Well, my room is my sanctuary. My family knows that and respects that. I got sprayed by a skunk! Let me rub it off on your sweaters! Just 10 more years. Just 10 more years. Just 10 more years.

These pants smell worse than my old pants. You're welcome.

Hey, hey! Tonight I'm going to suck...

I want you to get married on that someday. Oh, Mom. I've seen what you do around the house, and I can handle it. Maybe I can even make things more efficient.

Look at the credits. Bye-bye, kids! I'm Kent Brockman. On the 11:00 news tonight, a certain kind of soft drink has been found to be lethal. We won't tell you which one until after sports and the weather with Funny Sonny Storm.

I'm sorry. I guess watching me isn't any more exciting than being me. Maybe we can make your job more fun. What are those? I don't know. Well, what if we used our imaginations? Houston-- We have a problem. Homer 13 is spinning out of control!

'cause I'm not speaking to you.

And due to the difficulty and relative obscurity of the reference, you deserve an extra point on your exam. Hey, it's only fair.

How's that door coming, Willy? Miracles are your department, Reverend. Uh, while we're waiting, why don't I read from the Sunday bulletin? Card table for sale. Top badly damaged. Leg missing. Otherwise fine. One dollar or best offer.

Where the H-E-C-K is everybody? Here's your skates. Oh, you'll have to take off those boots. Those are my feet. Eew! Oh, for the love of puppies. Homer, you're the nicest guy in town. Ha-ha!

Sweet Lord, it is ! Simpson !

Mr. Simpson, under Nevada law, bigamy, or "Mormon Hold 'Em," is perfectly legal. Both marriages stand. But I only love Marge!

Even more than your parents? Yeah. No contest. Of course. Absolutely. All right already. But do you love the Leader... more than having your very own brand-new hover bikes?

Hmm. Sounds like she's hitting a baby with a cat. You have to listen to the notes she's not playing. I can do that at home. Son, I represent a group of oil tycoons who make foolish purchases.

Martin. Martin! I'll curse that name till the day I die! Huh? "Who is your son's hero?" Three-time soap box derby champion, Ronnie Beck.

Ah. Homer, in order to identify your assailant... I must follow you through the course of a normal day. Just do what you usually do... and the killer will reveal himself. Gotcha. f Wind Blo wing f This is a normal day? I just wanted to impress you.

Okay, this isn't about who I called. See you later. I'm going to the library.

Oh, I hate this.

Oh. That must be our new landlord, Mr. Stingley. Where is the rent I must have the rent Dollars, dimes and nickels I need them all right now I literally chewed the scenery.

All right, that's it. Shoo, you stupid crows! Shoo! Shoo! Shoo! That is not a worm!

Nope. It couldn't be simpler. Kids write down what they want, put their money in the can, and I take the bus to the supermarket and bring the snacks the next day. Huh? (GROANS) Is that a yes?

Marge, I'm going to look for the kids!

I have time to reform my ways. I just saw the greatest cartoon of all time. It was about a miser who was visited by three ghosts at Christmas. And get this. He learns a lesson! Dad, what you saw was A Christmas Carol. It was written by Charles Dickens 160 years ago. Yeah. TV writers have been milking that goat for years.

Yeah! Me too. Oh, you're burning it all wrong, Seymour. It's my allowance, Mother, and I'll burn it the way I want. Take that, you greedy fat cats. Marge, give me your purse. Here's $42. That's everything I have. - Run home and bury it in the yard. - I love you, Mom.

I do sympathize with your situation, Mr. Simpson.

F-L-A-N-R-D-S He's the man that I hate best I'd like to see his house go up in flame - Yay. Yay.

Bart, in this ward are the children who have been hurt... by imitating stunts they saw on television, movies and the legitimate stage. This little boy broke his leg trying to fly like Superman.

You little-- Aw, what the hell. You deserve it. Thanks, kids. To Krusty, the greatest entertainer in the world--

Hey, Marge! Keep yelling, you big ape. Aren't you being a little hard on old Homie? Oh, forget about him. Let's rehearse the bottle scene. Oh! Let's not and say we did. Hmm?

Make that... four months detention. Well, Marge, it was horrible. Everyone was against me in that jury room. But I stood by the courage of my convictions, and I prevailed. And that's why we had Chinese food for lunch.

Call Mr. Plow that's my name that name again is Mr. Plow Ah, white gold.

Each letter is as important as the one that preceded it. Maybe more important. No, as important. Very well.

and they're cutting off our service. Oh, Lord. Now what are we going to do, just let the trash pile up?

It's just a little slimy. It's still good. It's still good. It's just a little airborne. It's still good. It's still good. - It's gone. - I know.

Hello, Dean. You're a stupid-head! Homer, is that you? Hiya, gang.

Yeah. ts really runnin' quiet. Some mechanic tuned it up right before the parade. A mechanic?

Why, you little--

Now, which way to the welfare office?

All right, now you're starting to creep me out.

You know how bashful I am. I can't even say the word "titmouse"...

Aahh! Huh? Huh? He's 300 pounds. He's white. He's dressed without flair.

The dog thinks-- Bad dog. Once you get used to the "druggings," this isn't a bad place. Oh, it's wonderful-- Truly God's country.

Goodbye, Homer. I can't get drunk and vomit next to a guy I don't respect. (SOBBING) Even my best friends have left me. I'm all alone!

I'm sorry, Congressman. But this is a committee for designing dollar coins no one will use. I say we make 'em out of chocolate. Kids eat 'em anyway. Why fight it? Oh, I need some air. Do you need some hot air? We congressmen are full of it. I blather on for hours. Yap, yap, yap, yap, yap, yap, yap, yap, yap, yap, yap, yap, yap, yap, yap, yap, yap, yap, yap.

With Roger Clemens clucking all the while Mike Scioscia's tragic illness made us smile

Um... Some other time maybe. Today I'm just hanging out at home. (DOORBELL RINGS) Hey, Bart. I "borrowed" my uncle's pellet gun. You want to go shoot Apu? Oh, that does sound fun.

Sarge, we keep getting orders to let the virus win. Must be a school day. Lay down your arms. All right! Let's make some pus.

Then Maggie laughed. She's such a little trouper.

Maybe on the way back, we can swing by the demolition derby and have a nice talk.

Lisa, run outside and cut me a switch. Yes, sir! I'll guess we'll have to take the kids with us to dinner. - Yea! - But, Marge, The Gilded Truffle is an intimate, elegant place. Boring! I'll take you to a place that's really romantic.

Cool. Can you heal me? I can't breathe good and it makes me sleepy. I'll give it a whirl, Ralphie boy. Devil, be gone. Ow! My milk money. And my milk. Ew! You did it, Bart. He really does have the power.

Uh-oh! I'm late for the Short Line Railroad. Let's start with mega secret number one: "Ya gotta squeeze every penny." You see this tux? I got it cheap 'cause Roy Cohn died in it. That fancy yacht? A bargain, 'cause it smells like cat pee.

Boys, it wasn't easy choosing only one of you... for the free week at Pele's Soccer and Acting Camp. Let's all congratulate... Nelson! Thanks, Dad! Told ya.

Hello, I'd like to speak to Miss Tinkle, first name... Ivana. Ivana Tinkle. just a sec. Ivana Tinkle. Ivana Tinkle! All right, everybody, put down your glasses. Ivana Tinkle.

What are you doing in my corpse hatch? Montgomery Burns, you're under arrest for murder. Uh, did I say corpse hatch? I meant "innocence tube." Then how do you explain this?

I don't know why we ever left in the first place. D'oh! ...Five, six, seven, eight-- I say, eight, nine and 10. What is that intoxicatin' aroma? Could that be-- I say, could that be mincemeat pie?

First you'll be rounding up your tired, then your poor,

Come join us, Lisa. It's so cool. You get to stay up all night drinking blood. And if you say you're a vampire, you get a free small soda at the movies.

Then we pour some brandy around, like so. Yeah, would you hand me my keys? Uh, yeah. Here you go. Then we light a match. And fwoof! We start a new life in Hawaii. Good-bye, Moe. Where you going, baby? You going to find the corpses? Yes, Moe, I'm going to find corpses.

Oh, Mr. Burns, we'll thaw you out... the second they discover the cure for... 17 stab wounds in the back. How are we doing, boys? Well, we're up to 15. Now turn to the next problem.

Hey, let's see if Dad's song is finally off the air. Coming up next, Springfield's latest one-hit wonder, "The Moe Szyslak Connection," produced by David Byrne.

They've lost their zest for work. Help them find their eanae-eharatou-nah-duleve. Their eanae-haratou-doola what? We want you to give them a pep talk that turns them from donut-eating goof-offs into Homer Simpsons. I can't tell them anything. Cut the false modesty! It's tiresome.

But you know what? At least I'm out there trying new things. If it were up to you all we'd ever do is work and go to church.

Uh-oh! Come on, lucky seven! Papa needs a new pair of spats.

All those disclaimers made me wanna do it more.

There are chapters all over the world. And it has been foretold that someday a Chosen One will-- Okay, okay. I didn't ask for your life story. Let the initiation begin.

There ain't nothin' wrong with that Well, we're movin on up Movin' on up To the east side Movin' on up To a deluxe apartment in the sky English - US - Line 21

Today we're going to be seen by people in 150 countries all over the world including our newest affiliate, W-Gimel-Aleph-Nun in Tel Aviv. Stupid!

Please don't leave me, George.

Way to go, Springfield! "Embiggens"? Hmm. I never heard that word before I moved to Springfield. I don't know why. It's a perfectly "cromulent" word.

Look at them, smug and secure in their finery, mocking us. They're just snowmen, Mr. Burns. Ah, snowmen have peepers. Peepers to watch-- to watch for a moment of weakness. And then, baf, comes the knock on the head, and we're down! - What do we do? - Oh, wouldn't you like to know?

Bart, I have a riddle for you. What's the sound of one hand clapping ? Piece of cake.

(SHOUTS) (DOOR SLAMS) You know how some people are chocoholics? Well, I'm an alcoholic.

And no matter what happens, I'll never forget the advice you gave me. Now come on, you're gonna learn how to shave. And finally, the little spot under your nose. Next, we take some toilet paper, tear off some teensy little squares...

Well, I got everything I was supposed to get.

It's true. We are aliens, but what are you going to do about it? It's a two-party system. You have to vote for one of us. He's right. This is a two-party system.

Gosh. $50,000. I'm donating this whole check to Bibles for Belgians.

our dads used to get drunk and make us fight each other. Huh? Huh? My pop would buy me a malted for every tooth of Moe's I knocked out. That time you blinded me, he gave you a bike.

This never would have happened if Marge Simpson was here.

Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! I can't! I'm the designated driver! Yeah, that's swell. Duff wholeheartedly supports the designated driver program. Now, who wants to party?

That is correct. How come his face is on the bottle? Um. Um.

and then I called the queen of England and asked her how it was goin'. And then I-- Well, don't run up Mr. Burns's phone bill. just a second, Marge. Hello? Thailand? How's everything on your end? Uh-huh. That's some language you got there. And you talk like that 24-7, huh?

D'oh! D'oh! Okay. Okay, calm down. Homer, can you get the door? It's my sisters.

Why, looking into this loveable mutt's eyes just melts my heart. Seymour, all is forgiven. Make way for Willie! I said make way for Willie, ya bloated gasbag! Seymour. Hmm? You're fired!

Uh, maybe, um, one more dish. Make it double cappuccino chocolate fudge.

Selma, may I? Uh, uh, uh... on the cheek. Inspired by the love of a good woman... I resolved to be the best darned inmate #24601 I could be. I bade farewell to my cellmates...

Ooh! Her hair smells like red Froot Loops. Yeah? Well, I eat Froot Loops for breakfast. Because of last week's problems, we'll be taking certain precautions with this week's collection. We really shouldn't have let them do this. It can't be helping his self-esteem.

We don't have boarding passes, but we need to get on that plane for reasons that are utterly insane! Go ahead. What do I care? I'm getting laid off tomorrow. (BOTH GIGGLING) We're ditching our kids and taking a second honeymoon! (CHEERING) And we're blowing off Uncle Tyrone's birthday!

You know, find out the truth about things. It had to be told. Check out The Willie World News. I reviewed the new tractors. They're all shite! See, Lisa? Instead of one big shot controlling all the media,

Congratulations! The rest of you made the team. Except you, you and you.

Oh, no! Repo men! Laddie, hide behind that bush there! Mom and Dad aren't home, are they? No. They went for a walk with the Flanders. Bart, what's going on? Why are those repo guys taking all your stuff?

it's no match for my glower power.

J Love is a battlefields Huh? Huh? Huh? Ow! J At iastJ J Relax Don 't do itJ - pp - Disco Stu should have disco ducked. Ow.

Okay, we'll go to the convention, sell my Lois Lane comics, buy some Jimmy Olsens, and stop Edna from making a terrible mistake. I wish you'd devote this much time and attention to our relationship. Don't worry, Marge. We'll get something to eat. (GRUMBLES)

Oh, how can I stay mad at you? Mm! There it is! The Duff Beeramid. "The Beeramid contains so much aluminum...

Ahh. Hi, everybody.

- Please ! - Ooh ! Pancakes ! Ooh ! Mmm. Mmm. Homer, breakfast is ready. Hmm ? Blech !

Even I beat you up that day... after you passed out. What’s that hood ornament doing around your neck? Eh, I snapped it off some jerk's car. I could go to prison for life, but whatever.

What? Well, what the hell am I supposed to do... with this jumbo thong bikini?

We should report this to an Omnitouch care rep. People's privacy is at stake. Great. I'm gonna eat mayonnaise.

Is Mom going to have another baby, Dad? Maybe. - Whoa! - Hey, all right! Way to go! You're a machine, Homer. Did you hear that, Maggie? Another baby in the house. Oh, cool. We can race 'em. Sure, for you, a baby's all fun and games. For me, it's diaper changes and midnight feedings.

Bats growing up without me. He wont be 10 forever.

The Queen of what? (CRYING OUT IN PAIN) (TRUMPET BLOWING) MAN: Changing of the guard! (GROANING) HOMER: Wait! We have to exchange insurance!

Elmo go to wrong fundraiser. Bill Clinton? What are you doing here?

Each Planet Springfield is filled with priceless Hollywood gewgaws. There's the coffee mug from Heartbeeps! And there's the cane from Citizen Kane! Wait a minute. There was no cane in Citizen Kane. And there's that awful script from The Cable Guy.

Hup! Nice chair toss. Good one, skinny. You guys get these chairs from Regal Rents?

If you think you've seen him, call 1-800-U-SQUEAL. Homer, you look just like a little boy. - 'Cause I'm so carefree ? - No, because you're wearing a bib. More champagne ? Mmm.

Get up, "Liser." President Kennedy! That's right, "Liser." Academics are important. But you must also train your body with vigor. That's why I created the President's Council on Physical Fitness. Er, ah, yes. I can't argue with the man who wrote Profiles in Courage.

Oh, someone is spying on us! No one told me there'd be pulling!

Catch you on the flip side, "dudemeisters." Not!

Bart, dont say it like that. You’ll hurt her feelings. Geez louise! How did you turn cinnamon applesauce into that? Dont try to pin this on me, Sister.

Marge, I have some horrible, bone-chilling news! What is it? Hi, Homer. - Oh, nothing. - Hey.

the producers animated several solutions that were never intended to air. And to keep the show's animators, editors,

Yup. They called me Kid Gorgeous. Later on, it was Kid Presentable. Then Kid Gruesome. And, finally, Kid Moe. Hey, what's this? Oh, that-- that's my old spit bucket.

Bart, where's your bathing suit? I'm gonna swim "nekkid." You're what? Ah, sure, there'll be a couple of uptight counselors... who won't dig the Bart philosophy, but I feel the human body is a thing of beauty. Marge, am I crazy or is my back getting hairier?

Now don't you fret. When I'm through, he won't set foot in this town again. I can be very, very persuasive. Come on! Leave town! No. - I'll be your friend. - No. Oh, you're mean.

Two wrongs make a right, Lisa. Ah, Rex Morgan, M.D. You have the prescription for the daily blues.

All right. I will. - In there, guys. - Thanks, Homer. Homer, no one blames you for the accident. We simply feel you might benefit with a little outside tutoring. I researched these names myself.

Aw, hell! Diddily-ding-dong crap! Can't you morons do anything right? - Hey! - Ned, we meant well. And everyone here tried their best. Well, my family and I can't live in good intentions, Marge! Oh, your family's out of control, but we can't blame you,

You removed it from its original packaging! No! It's no longer a collectible! Oh! Oh!

You must be Burt Simpson. Well, you look like you got a strong, young back. Would you like something to eat ? I got dried apricots, almond paste, sauerkraut candy-- Uh, no, thanks. Who's that ? Oh, that's my brother, Asa.

And some pogs. Me and my buds just like to go We're havin' fun Everybody knows We don't fuss and we never cry We just groove takin' in the sights Me and the boys

Ahh. Ah. Hmm. Huh?

Deploy, damn you! Deploy!

I'm cold and scared. That's my little slugger. Come on, Dad. Let's go. Hey, knock it off! These pants cost $600. Really? Yeah. They're Italian. All right, hand 'em over. Moe, what the-- Yeah, I rob now. There's a new judge in town...

Uh, yeah. Top of the world, Ma.

Droll. Hmm? Hmm. Hmm. Mmm. Mmm! Promo. Ew! Fox! Now I got ya!

Sounds like you've come down with a serious case of "jebeditis." Just when I was getting over my Chester A. Arthritis. Did-- You had arthritis? Um, no.

I've got some. No. Here. Try my foot. No. Not that foot. just feel my biceps. Ooh! Whoa! Well, what do you think of your old man now, Son? Whoa! Damn right.

Your lifelong dream was to run out on the field during a baseball game, and you did it last year, remember? Oh, yeah.

Krusty, your plastic surgery is complete. Now, when I remove the bandages, don't be alarmed by the total stranger staring back at you.

I'm so sorry I misjudged you, Mom. You had to leave to protect your family.

Didi mah! Didi mah! I'm sorry, guys. We're shuttin' down for a while. Sorry.

Oh, come on now, Flanders. I don't complain about your... moustache. What's wrong with my moustache? Uh, it makes you look like you got something to hide. What? People are talking. Lots of people. Okay, mister you've got a deal.

Beaten by an infant. What could be more humiliating? What a scoop! Okay, Maggie. You win.

Hmm? Uh, excuse me. Sir? I think there's been a mistake. Oh, no. No mistake. Your electricity's in the name of Homer J. Simpson, deceased. The juice stays off till you get a job or a generator. Oh, and, uh, my deepest sympathies. Homer. That's my name.

Plus a little prayer now and then. So that's all it takes- a little prayer. f Male Announcer] Andnow Ken Burns...

Oh, it's you, Bob. How you doing?

Wait a minute. I don't have a family anymore. You do now, son. You do now. Standing tall on the wings of my dream Rise and fall on the wings of my dream

What's this? A cap! From "The Wooly Bully."

This is the kind of entertainment they think is suitable...

(BONE CRACKING) A.

In this box marked "honoree," fill in your names. And over here, write in what you did. I'll be back. You ain't tasted the last of my spit. Oh, that Moe. But good for you, Mom. Why didn't you follow Chloe into journalism? Well, we both faced a tough decision.

Homer, what are you doing here? No time talk. Need steal car. Must save powerful but controversial movie. Hello. Quick. Mel, get in. Forget it, Homer. Let's just give them the stupid movie.

Oh! How about you just say, "Yay, I won!" Bingo! I've never seen such masterful Bingo playing. What's your secret, Homer? (WHISPERS) You have to cheat! Uh, listen. Is it true you priest guys can't ever... (MUTTERS) You know...

She's discovered something very important... about jebediah Springfield that you need to hear. People of Springfield, I, um-- I don't know quite how to say this-- Don't be shy, little girl. Think of jebediah, and the words will come.

That's what these pads and jumbo markers are for. I want you to draw for me your fears, your anxieties, the roots of your unhappiness. Take a deep, cleansing breath.

Ooh, Bart would like this. We're out of these. Out? But I just-- Register 9 is now closed. Hey, kids. i made your favorite cookies.

Why America loves Saddam Hussein.

I dance, I dance, I dance Around the Mexican hat I dance, I dance, I dance And that's the end of that Or is it I guess I'll keep singing My cell phone appears to be ringing Hey!

Where's our backup? I don't know. Son, this is against every regulation but would you cover us? Wow!

My vast, vast, vast fortune.

Ned, I'm back. Give me a kiss.

Oh. Wait. I just got it. It is funny. Bad hair day.

It works at so many levels. Roll it again. Next, they're gonna show my movie. - You made a movie? - I made a movie? No wonder I was on the cover of Entertainment Weekly.

(SIGHS) Whew. (GRUNTING) (SIGHS)

Folks, we're experiencing... some moderate Godzilla-related turbulence at this time, so I'm gonna go ahead... and ask you to put your seat belts back on. When we get to 35,000 feet he usually does let go, so from there on out, all we have to do... is worry about Mothra, and we do have reports...

Hmm. There's something blocking it. Hey, come on. Get out there-- Come on, Homer! We're going to Sears to feel the bras! What the heck is that thing?

I hope you're not mad. Son, come here. Of course I'm not mad. If something's hard to do, then it's not worth doing.

No, no, no! Not tonight! No vulgarity, no mischief, no politics. just be good!

Okay, Bart, tomorrow we'll blast your quads.

Did you ever see that Blue Man Group? Total rip-off of the Smurfs. And the Smurfs-- They suck! Uh-oh. I smell gangrene. We gotta wake him up. A little coffee'll do the trick. What?

Sure, for you, a baby's all fun and games. For me, it's diaper changes and midnight feedings. Doesn't Mom do that? Yeah, but I hear about it.

My God! It's like five cigarettes at once!

Well, of course, I didn't want a racehorse in my living room.

Well, it should be obvious to even the most dimwitted individual... who holds an advanced degree in hyperbolic topology... that Homer Simpson has stumbled into...

Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Where did you get that brownie? There's a big pile of 'em.

Huh! I hear that. I got some big shot barreling down on me. Hey! Who are you talkin' to, your boyfriend? Hey, jackass! Your voice sounds familiar! I don't hear an alarm. Let's take stuff.

Mr. Burns. We've heard a German consortium offered to purchase the plant. Any comments? You'll see the Statue of Liberty wearing lederhosen before you'll see Germans running my plant! Then why are you meeting with them? So I can look Uncle Fritz square in the monocle and say, "Nein!"

Ah, yes. Naturally, I can't pay you much of a reward, because I'm strapped for cash. Ooh! Uh! As you can see, this old place is falling apart.

We've got all your favorite characters, Itchy, Scratchy, Poochie, Austin Powers Itchy, Itchy Poochie, Scratchbob Itchpants, Confederate Itchy and Osama Bin Scratchy.

We'll be right back. I don't need Lisa to write a good review. The food at the Gilded Truffle really, uh-- What's a good word? Sucks! That's great! And the bread was really-- Come on! Help me out here!

Lisa, what's wrong ? Isn't it obvious ? We've degraded ourselves and set back the children's rights movement for decades to come. You're great at a party, Lisa. Really great. Hey, you ! Shut that door ! Stop it ! Put that away ! Oh ! Oh !

Those suck! I hate this store! But, sweetheart, Mommy-- I hate you too! I wanna live with one of my dads. Mmm! So, you say this product is known as "fudge"? Yes. just like it was last week. If you're gonna get snippy, I'll take my business elsewhere.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Now, wait just a minute. One thing Moe Szyslak has never had is a partner. Nor a wife, a friend, a chum, a casual acquaintance, a pen pal, a parrot, a meaningful conversation, a brief hug or eye contact. I'm just going to call the suicide hotline now.

What are you two doing? (GASPS) Uh... We're watching the latest photos from Mars. Ho-ho! Great stuff. Worth every billion. (GASPS) Bart, turn away from that screen and look out the window! No problemo. (BOTH GIGGLING) (GASPS) It's happening in Ned's house!

Why are we playing games when we got two grand in the bank? Dad won the First Annual Montgomery Burns Award.

Guess what. For a dollar, a man sold me 35 Caspers and a dozen Lois Lanes. Ooh. I never knew what Superman saw in her. Give me Wonder Woman. And that golden lariat. She could tie me up anytime.

in my beautiful my beautiful motorboat da-da, da-da-da-da But we didn't enter any police raffle. That doesn't matter. The important thing is we won. I don't know. There's something very peculiar about this.

Put it away, boy! Situation. And your daddy has realized something very important. A father should always make his kids feel wanted. Starting right now, I promise to spend a lot more time with you... and give you the attention you deserve. I can't breathe.

Fine! Should we take one car, or should I follow you? Hey, according to the charter, as chief constable I'm supposed to get a pig every month...

I just saw the best part.

Hey, listen. I just had a thought. We're looking for a new food critic, someone who doesn't immediately pooh-pooh everything he eats. No, it usually takes a few hours. Uh-- Look, I'd like to give you a tryout.

I've got a better place. The mall? Yeah. It's just like my dad always says: For an evening or a week, there's no place like the mall. Food, fun and fashion-- the mall has it all. What? What did he say?

No one. You, Smithers? Oh, no, my dear friend. I have planned a far greater reward for you. When I pass on, you shall be buried alive with me. Oh. Goody.

It's neat, huh? It's great. It's really great. Oh! Got away from you, huh? Well, you keep at it.

Thanks for not killing me, Homie. Here's an extra pork chop. (LAUGHING) I'm gonna not kill you every week. (ALL LAUGHING) (SINISTER TUNE PLAYING) (RINGING) Y'ello?

They don't like being broken up.

we'll be back to pick you up later. He's in for some loving. It's the perfect gift for birthdays, graduations, board meetings. You're fired. Bart's birthday's coming up. But order now, supply is limited. Limited! Do you have any of those microphones left? Yeah, a couple.

Hey, you've been riding me all day. Why don't you poop in your hat? Are you going to need us tonight? I have ballet tickets-- not that they'll do much good now.

Let me out of here! I have isolated the chemical which is emitted by every geek, dork and four-eyes. I call it "Poindextrose." Whoo-hoo! Simpsons rule! Sorry.

but then from the mouse reaction I got, I, uh, got a little more concerned. You really made that envelope? 'Cause it says "Hammermill" over here. Um, no.

This is just what I was hoping for. Spending the day together as a family.

These are special V.I.P. badges. They'll get you into places other tourists never see. Miss, what does the "I" stand for? Important. Oh! How about the "V"? Very. Oh! And, miss, just one more question.

Remember, if anyone asks, you're my niece from out of town. I am your niece, Uncle Joe.

Thirty-two bars, but no alternative theater. Thirteen stores that begin with "Le Sex." I write this letter not to nag or whine, but to prod. We can better ourselves. Yeehaw!

It's not your fault.

- Nice work, Homer! Am I proud of you! - Well-- When you go home tonight, there's gonna be another story on your house. Thank you. I tackled a loafer at work today. Hey, what's with you sad sacks?

People! People! This man has actually been in outer space. - Ha! Nobody cares. - This is one small step towards firing your ass!

Mom, Dad! Bart's dead! That's right! Dead serious about going to Itchy and Scratchy Land.

and am interested in purchasing one of your electronic autos. Well, it's always nice to meet people... - Concerned about the environment. - What kind of mint? Boy, that quiet engine sure makes conversation a lot easier. Yeah, and it's got a lot of other problems too.

Name, please. Certainly. I am... the, uh, piano genius from the movie Shine. Uh-huh. And your name is? Uh, Shiny McShine.

Lisa's the president? I'm a pathetic loser? I gotta be honest. I'm not loving this vision. The fire has more wisdom to impart to you. In three, two-- 1596.

I hope you're someplace warm. You bet your sweet... ass!

It's so late. You kids have to go to bed. But the flood's only knee high. At least let us watch till the midgets drown. Yeah, Mom. Come on. You let us stay up to watch Troy McClure in such other Bible epics as... David Versus Super-Goliath and Suddenly, Last Supper. Go, Lise. Way to cite precedent.

Bart get a present early? Then I should get a present early. I want a present! Lisa, you have to wait. Great. This is the worst Christmas ever. Now, I know you love video games, and I asked the clerk,

Dennis, Brianna, Mavis, Brad--

but Football in the Groin had a football in the groin. Don't cry for me. I'm already dead. Wow. I'll never drink another beer. Beer here! I'll take 10. And now, to announce the winners. The award for outstanding animated short...

I move we impose some serious term limits.

Will you children stop tormenting me! I've done nothing wrong. Give it up, Bob. We found the money. Where did that come from? I've never seen that money before in my life. Then you must have had your eyes closed when you embezzled it! I told you, I'm not a criminal anymore.

What would make a husband lose interest like that? What I do now I do as your dearest friend. Look at this flab! Look at it! - Oh, my God! Is that me? - Most assuredly, yes.

You've really done it this time. Yeah. It all kind of came together. Thank you for coming. Thank you for getting me out of work.

Huh? He's hideous! We have to do something. Marge, it'll cost $8,500. We only have 500 in the bank, and that leaves... eighty-hundred we need. I could get a job. Hey!

Boy, would my face have been red. Stop laughing, you imbecile. Don't you realize how close you just came to killing yourself? Who did this to my wall?

At least now I can get some rest. Hidilly-ho, Bart!

(GRUNTS) Oh! I've lost them! I can't see past all the SUVs!

w'w' w' Good, good, good] w' Good vibrations w'w' Thanks a lot, surviving Beach Boys.

Oh, Marge. Question one. "Name one of your child's friends."

Pull ! Pull, you dogs ! Come on. Well, let's see here. Cracked windshield, melted bumpers, punctured radiator, teeth marks in the trunk.

912 ! Uh, no, you have it upside down. It's 216. Oh. That's still amazingly high. Tell me, Bart, are you ever bored in school ? - Oh, you bet. - Mm-hmm. Ever feel a little frustrated ? - All the time, sir. - Uh-huh.

staff and hangers-on from leaking the solution, two completely different endings were produced. One real, one phony. Here's the ending you were never meant to see. The one who shot me was-- Waylon Smithers!

Lark tongues, head pudding, eel pies. Eel pie? My favorite. Mmm. (CHUCKLES) We British sure eat crap. (IN COCKNEY ACCENT) Inspector, might I have a word with you? Absolutely. (GAGGING) Get back down there, you!

Welcome aboard!

Now, the kilt was only for day-to-day wear. In battle, we donned a full-length ball gown covered in sequins.

Your grades have gotten steadily worse since the beginning of the term. Are you aware of that ? Yes, ma'am. Are you aware that there is a major exam tomorrow on colonial America ? Yes, ma'am. Blah, blah, blah-blah. Blah, blah, blah. Yes, ma'am. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

You're going to Stanford. You're going to Stanford. You're going to Stanford. Take it back! Take it back! Stanford. This family has hit rock bottom.

First it's introduced, then it goes to committee, then-- Wrong! That's wrong!

(GRUNTS) (GROANING) Man, that hurt. Now to do the exact same thing again. (GROANING)

We don't think you're slow, but on the other hand, it's not like you go to museums or read books or anything. You think I don't want to? It's those TV networks, Marge. They won't let me-- one quality show after another, each one fresher and more brilliant than the last.

You ain't goin' nowhere! You leave those boys alone!

I'm Bart. And this is Lisa. Them's city names. From now on, you're Dingus Squatford Junior and Pamela E. Lee. But I like my old name. You hush up, Dingus! They hated the victim. Her death earned them $50,000.

If you kids can't keep your hands to yourself, I'm gonna turn this car around, and there'll be no Cape Canaveral for anybody! That's it! Back to Winnipeg!

Oh. You think they settled that bag boy strike yet? Oh, no. We're headed for Victoria Falls.

No, Celeste. I mean, the things she says are sexist. Lisa said a dirty word!

I plan to go on Motor Home Makeover and trick this thing out like a palace, not like that dump you live in. All I need is for someone to start a show called Motor Home Makeover! I see. You were mad enough to leave our house, but not mad enough to leave our property. That's my half-assed dad. Hey, I couldn't leave you kids.

We're going to Itchy and Scratchy Land. No. I've already planned our vacation. We're going to the Highway 9 Bird Sanctuary. I understand they've installed a new bird feeder this year.

just hold onto that one in your safe-deposit box. Most humble and grateful thanks to you. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Can the courtesy. You're an American now. Remember. You were born in Green Bay, Wisconsin. Your parents were Herb and Judy Nahasapeemapetilon.

Oh. My picture with Snow White. You know, she's just an actress. Shut up! Some of us prefer illusion to despair.

Barney, don't steal any beer while I'm gone. What kind of pathetic drunk do you take me for?

It's Bart's moon party from outer space With R2-D2 playing the bass

I came out ofthe elepharts mouth, right? Cause I already showered once today. Well, you saved Krusty's reputation.

Pedestrian. Uninspired. I didn't say stop.

No, Mr. Simpson. A cat is a living creature. I don't care. Now I'm gonna grab me somethin' sweet.

jump with all your might.

No minors. Yeah, but I really want-- Sorry, Son. Although they seem strange to us, we must respect the ways of the Indian. Hi, how are ya? Hi, how are ya? Hi, how are ya? Hi, how are ya?

You know, I've done a lot of exciting things in my life. I went down Mount Everest on a boogie board. Wow. Climbed Niagara Falls. Ooh! Oh! And just last month, I knocked out Muhammad Ali. Oh, how awful. But this is the biggest thrill ever--

Why, you little..!

Krusty the Clown, I thought he was dead. Yeah. I guess you ain't been to too many supermarket openings lately. (GROANS) You know, Chloe, some of us stayed in this town and made it a better place. Oh, come on, Marge. The only reason we don't move out of this dunghill is because of my court-ordered ankle bracelet. (BEEPING)

Mr. Wilson or something. How'd it go? Are we down with them? No! They must've seen you.

Oh! Uh, hello. I'm George Cauldron. Is Suzanne ready yet? Almost. Just give her another 20 minutes. Yeah, but the concert's at 8:00. Mmm. Mmm. Well, we're still poor. But thanks to your father, we'll never go hungry.

Here comes the flying saucer.

Oh, you're the biggest man in the world now and you're covered in gold. 14-karat gold. Take a hike, boss. I'm running things now. All hail King Homer.

Hey, the bartender even looks like John Travolta. Yeah, looks like.

Oh, you got one of them cell phones, huh? Yeah. No cord at all on those. Hey, game's on! Hey, we were watching that! Come on! Unless you're being ironic, turn that off now.

I've never told it to you before. Happy birthday to you I got a very thoughtless birthday present... from someone who shall remain nameless.

After evaluating millions of pieces of data in the blink of an eye the Gamble-Tron 2000 says the winner is... Cincinnati by 200 points?! Why, you worthless hunk of junk!

Don't you worry, Son. My friends! Stop! Please, hurry. Sure, we could tear this house down-- No, my friends! Stop! Let me finish.

This is all my fault.

Yes! Yes! Yes! I will do it, Bartron. But who knows what mysterious forces will be unleashed? Oh, no. Inside the evil Bartron... is a horrible, mutant boy! We'll be safe here till Mom and Dad... The evil overlords, get home.

The border, eh? Then I'd better sand off my fingerprints. Ow! I could just wear gloves. Nah, they're upstairs. Ow, ow, ow! (CRYING)

Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Jingle Bell R-- Huh? Jingle bell what?

to protect his tiniest, most breakable creatures. And I've got to share that gift with the world. Ow! Get her out of here. Why you throwing tomatoes at yourself, huh? Why you throwing tomatoes at yourself? Your very question is faulty. You're faulty!

I guess it would be a hoot to have my face on everything. Oh, Mrs. Simpson, you must pursue your dreams, like my old dream of coming to America and starting a family. Or my new dream of ditching my family and sneaking back to India in disguise. Apu? Never heard of him. My name is Steve Barnes.

That's him! That's the one! Homer Simpson! I said I was sorry. All right. Fair enough. Class act. Sorry you're such jerks! Ha, ha! Ow! Ow! That bullet went in!

Good morning, dear. What's my name? What color is the sky? What of doughnuts? What? For the love of God, tell me!

And three, our six-term mayor, the illiterate, tax-cheating, wife-swapping, pot-smoking spend-o-Crat, Diamond joe Quimby. Hey, I am no longer illiterate! Now, why are we doomed to this Quimby quagmire, you ask, O Reasonable Listener?

This party is over.

You won't be needing this.

I bring you peace.

That's one palindrome you won't be hearing for a while.

Hey, Bart. Son? Here's my way of saying I'm sorry.

Oh, no. Are you blind? I'm trying, Mother. It's hard. You're failing, Seymour. What is it about you and failure?

Lanley hired me to build his monorail. He cut corners everywhere-- bad wiring, faulty brakes.

Here you go. The results of last month's mayoral election. All 48,000 voters and who each one of them voted for. I thought this was a secret ballot. Meh.

This reporter will be lowered in the sky harness for an exclusive interview. Huh? Ow! Hey! Ow! Sweetheart, what's the matter?

I'll be blunt. Bart's latest escapade... goes far beyond the realm of the high jink.

Uh-oh. Oh, man, There goes Peter Frampton's big finale.

Far be it from me to gloat in another's downfall, but I have a feeling no children are gonna be crying... when this puppy is put to sleep. What the hell happened?

Please hold on to the handrail. Do not spit over the side. Aunt Hortense ! Great-grandpa Simpson ! - Please hold on to the handrail. - Snowball !

Yo, I'll tell you what I want what I really, really want What I want, what I want I'll tell you what I want I want...

Wait a minute. Isn't anybody gonna follow in my footsteps?

Two months from now, your head's in that window. On my honor. 350 a month. Oh, well, I don't know. Would it be all right if I conferred with my family ? Mr. Simpson, if you have to talk it over with those humans out there, there's something wrong with all of us.

You'll get the hang of it, honey. Today's just a little gusty. Everyone's staring at me.

So you loved her right from the start?

Duff Light or new Duff Blue. Tap into the peppermint glacier! Huh! Huh! Hey! Are you there, God? It's me, Duffman!

Ouch! But first, let's go to the boxing venue.

That's what these pads and jumbo markers are for. I want you to draw for me your fears, your anxieties, the roots of your unhappiness. Take a deep, cleansing breath. And begin.

The point is, we had a great time today. To keep it that way let's not tell your mother about our little wager, okay? Okay, Dad. Did you two have fun? You bet.

Look out! Get out of my way! Fire, fire, fire, fire, fire, fire, fire, fire. Ah, here comes one of our fellows now.

Now, who might you be? A tabloid? Is that one ofthose really strong mints?

You dunderheaded stooges are the worst bunch of--

Tell you what. Just go down to the D.M.V. tomorrow and try to pass that eye test. I'll tear up this ticket, but I'm still gonna have to ask you for a bribe. Hello, Marge. Hello, Marge. How come no Chippendales dancers... ever come in to renew their licenses?

Are you sure you dont miss hanging out with your rock star friends, Dad? Nah. I got something to remember 'em by. Have fun at school, kids. Later, Homer. Mister Simpson, this zone is for school buses only. Rock n’ roll! Whoo-hoo!

Eh, eh, eh! Seeing as we are unfamiliar with sarcasm, I shall close the register at this point and state that 99 cents is the rental price. Oh, then may I please rent it, please? You may not. I am all out. Though I do have a surprising abundance... of Lee Carvallo's Putting Challenge. Ohh!

But, Bar, we can't show any weakness in front of the Russians. George! Yes, dear.

Get out of there! - Mr. Hamill. Mr. Mayor. Come on. - Who are you? Homer Simpson, nerd-buster, and I'm gettin' you out of here. I can't, Homer. I twisted my ankle. You guys go on without me.

That does it. One of them has to go. Okay. Grandpa. No, the B-U-M. Oh. Wait. There's an easy way to get rid of Chester... without the guilt of sending him back to the gutter. And all it will cost you is a thousand dollars.

You sold my little girl a shoddy Eiffel Tower. Hey, tough luck, pal. You can't fight the souvenir industry.

Homer, don't take this personally, but I've obtained a court order to prevent you from planning this wedding. Well, these seem to be in order. I'll be out back in the hammock.

Okay, come on in... and look at this! Oh, please. Now make with the kids. Don't blame yourself, Daddy.

Ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay! My friend, your jacket, she burns.

So I'm afraid drink service will stop for a moment-- They're all yours. Stupid Marge. Tell me to shut up.

Oh, why are people always trying to kill me? We have to get out of here!

But there's another world's fair coming soon, right? Before Friday?

Hey, that's my backpack. Look at her cry. New money always cries. Drop the backpack, Jack. The name is Jackington.

Okay, Bart, it's your turn to pick. Where are we headed? Bowling? Demolition derby? P.J. O'Harrigan's? Isn't that a funny name? Huh? Huh? Hysterical. But I traded my turn to Lisa for her dessert. Oh! We did a Lisa thing last month! And I'm glad we did.

Well, I can see I'm not wanted here. Wait, Homer. Don't go. Okay, beat it! Who wants ass frosting? No, thanks. I'm on Atkins.

That hilarious voice could be your ticket to stardom.

BART: Denied. Okay, Fat Load here. Here comes the bride. Repeat. Here comes the bride. Mrs. K, you look awesome. Thank you, Otto. That cloud looks awesome. That rock looks awesome. My hands look awesome. (PLAYING WEDDING MARCH DISCORDANTLY)

(FROG CROAKING)

Uh-oh. Why you little-- Why you big-- Bart, go to your room. I'm out of here.

Aha! No one's around. The perfect crime. Yow! Do I smell cookies?

Smithers, where does that tube go? I'm not sure, sir. It was here when we moved in. Dance! Dance! Dance! Dance! Sir, we'll need a new dangerous emissions supervisor.

Now, are you gentlemen gonna buy some wigs or ain't ya? I guess fate was against us.

Oops. Clumsy me. I will consider your proposal in the restroom as l tidy up. Boys? Oops! Clumsy us. We must all go to the restroom too.

Man, that's classic compulsive behavior. Wow! Free beer! Buddy, those are my quarters! Hey, this guy's paying off!

This is Becky. She's in the second grade.

Marge. Marge! Homer? Look, Marge. I'm sorry I haven't been a better husband. I'm sorry about the time I tried to make gravy in the bathtub. I'm sorry I used your wedding dress to wax the car. I'm sorry-- Oh, well, let's just say I'm sorry for the whole marriage up to this point. You're right. I am lucky to have him.

No! Fortune cookies! Ah. And now to read my fortune. "Geese can be troublesome." What the hell is that supposed to mean?

Hi, Homer. Find your soul mate. Hey. Wait a minute! There's no such thing as a talkin' dog.

The idea was to blind your opponent with luxury. Ahh!

Oh, your father would've loved this: the drunkenness, the ambiguous sexuality. I've gotta get out of here!

What are you guys doing? We're gonna roll down the hill. Can I come with you? I don't know. Are you sure you're not too "college" for us? Yeah. Sorry we can't be more "college"!

and the time the show becomes unprofitable? I'm Troy McClure, and I'll leave you with what we all came here to see: hard-core nudity!

I'm your daughter. What? I finally found my daddy. Ohh! I think I just "seltzered" myself. Shut up, Updike!

Oh, that's dignity, all right! That's great! Worthy of Webster's. Well, it's no wonder I can't draw dignity. I gave it up when I married her.

And as we pass the collection plate, please give as though the person next to you were watching. Oh, man. This is the hottest Easter ever. Even that praying mantis is losing it.

What's going on? It's an old-fashioned hole digging. By gar, it's been a while.

As long as the puppies don't do anything else wrong, they stay. Hmm! On a completely unrelated topic, I'm having a very, very important dinner party tonight. Splendid! Who's coming? Reverend Lovejoy, your old army drill sergeant, and the regional director of the I.R.S.

Oh, I knew they wouldn't forget me. Come on, Dad. Let's get out of here. Slow down, boy. What's your hurry ? This place is depressing. Hey, I live here ! Oh, well. I'm sure it's a blast once you get used to it. Let's go.

the defense calls its first and only witness: Milhouse Van Houten. Oh, wow! I can't believe it. Milhouse, did you steal the food? Nuh-uh. No way. Could anyone else have taken it? Well, I guess you could have.

Oh, no ! Two hundred and thirty nine pounds ? I'm a whale. Why was I cursed with this weakness for snack treats ?

And then I created the voice of Yellow-bellied Yak.

Let me give you the grand tour. This is one of our many light switches. It functions in both the on and off mode. On, off. On, off. He knows how to work a light switch. Oh, yeah, right. I don't know what this switch does.

Hey, Krusty, you look great. You get your teeth bleached? Yeah, it's a new kind of polymer treatment-- Hey, shut up! You're here 'cause your itchy and Scratchy cartoons are stinking up my ratings! Look at this breakdown of yesterday's show. Kaboom! What happened here? Lightning hit the transmitter?

(IGNITES ELEMENT) they'll kill me. (WAILING) Uh... No, no. I mean... (POPCORN POPPING) (DOOR OPENING) Okay, you made your point! (CAWING) Gotta go! All right, boys. Let's get this tape back to the lab for analysis. We have a lab?

Okay, you will die a terrible, terrible death. But I-- Thank you for calling Radio Psychic. Do you have a song request? "It's Raining Men!" Now, Marge, Dear Abby says seeing films about air travel can calm your fears. Ooh! Here are some upbeat titles.

Homer, do you remember our last family vacation... when you made us go to the Bowlers' Hall of Fame in St. Louis, Missouri... so you could see that car shaped like a giant bowling pin ? Remember ? Who could forget ? Then you'll also remember that you owe me a favor... Oh, Marge.

Hello. Is this Marge Simpson ? Yes. The Marge Simpson who fixed it so cartoons can't be violent ? Yes. This is Myers. I'm here with the writers. Listen, you're so smart, how do we end this picture ?

Now we own you, like Siegfried owns Roy. I'm sorry. All we have is NescafÉ. I'm very, very sorry. Oh, Marge, Marge. You're just in time.

1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10,11,12. (GRUNTS) Nice try, boys.

just once I'd like a love note in the sky. Lousy message!

That racer transformed me into the twisted creature... you see before you.

The truth must be told.

Well, it was a long trip, but we're almost there. - Homer, did you remember to lock the front door of the house? - D'oh!

Ooh. A punch bowl like that just screams good taste. Wouldn't it be perfect for the dinner party? Oh, we can't afford that. Who do you think I am, Liz Taylor? Well, maybe we could use it once and then return it.

Oh, there's Mother now-- watching me. What's that, Mother? They have a right to be here. It's school business. I-- Mother, that sailor suit doesn't fit anymore!

Don't you see what Mr. Burns has done to this church? He restored it from nave to narthex! He super-sized the pews for the zaftig believers. He put ice in the urinals.

(BONE CRACKING) A.

What? I know she's young, but Lisa has proven herself mature and dependable. Dad, help me out.

Oh, forget about him. Let's rehearse the bottle scene. Oh! Let's not and say we did. Hmm?

Lionel Hutz, your new agent, bodyguard, unauthorized biographer and drug dealer-- uh, keeper-awayer.

What is it, sweetie? Mom, I'm having a crisis of conscience. Can you and Dad afford to send me to college? Oh, sure. I mean, not on your father's salary...

Not to us you're not. I mean, how would you feel... if you suddenly found out Ned Flanders was an impostor? Who's Ned Flanders? My next-door neighbor. Religious guy? Oh, you mean Reverend Lovejoy. No, I don't!

Why did this happen? Why?

Look, son, all I'm asking is that you try. Okay, I'll try. Anybody can try !

Good night, everybody. Good night, Moe. And now lot number 2,380-- Krusty's private plane, the i'm-On-A-Rolla Gay. But I love that plane. I used to fly to Vegas in it with Dean Martin. One night he looked out the window, and the moon hit his eye like a big pizza pie. We wrote a song about it,

There's a line in Othello about a drinker. "Now a sensible man, by and by a fool, and presently a beast." That pretty well covers it.

Geez, Homer. I thought someone with two wives would be happy. No. You're thinking of someone with two knives. I gotta tell ya, this is pretty terrific. Yeah!

Buck McCoy? He was the greatest of them all! He was bigger than opium! I met one of my heroes today. She started the first-- Buck McCoy! I still carry this. "Junior Buckaroo 2nd Class. Little Grampa Simpson." Cool!

God! Come on, Romeo. They can't lock me up for long, Agnes. Will you wait for me? Are you crazy? My bones are half dust. Well, we may not have the store,

Damnation! Tell them to go slower. Yes, sir.

Just a little more-- Got it.

You can't do this to me. What about the carny code? Carnies took over our house. You've gotta help us!

So, Bart, will you be joining me in the bucolic splendor of Kamp Krusty? You bet. Check out this hand. All aces. A-plus! Oh, Bart, why didn't you at least forge plausible grades?

That Simpson boy is looking at 180 years. Thank God we live in a country so hysterical over crime... that A 10-year-old child can be tried as an adult.

Yes, we are. Why, I'd be delighted to sell you some illegally smuggled goods. Fat Tony, is that you? Fat Tony?

This sandwich tastes so young and impudent. Seymour, what's with the good grub? Well, perhaps I ought to let you folks in on a secret.

That's nice, dear! Okay, Mr. Peanut, you think you can keep-- A three-chambered peanut! Marge, look what I did! Come quick! Hurry! Marge? Marge?

Dad, if we leave for town right now, we could catch the dinner special at Krusty Burger.

And now to see Mr. Burns for the promotion and raise... I’ve deserved since this morning. Mr. Burns, I’ve made a list of recommendations... to improve plant efficiency. Oh, have you now? Well, huzzah, huzzah. I'll just throw back my legs and pollute my britches with delight.

Close one this year. Here we sit enjoying the shade Hey, brother pour on the wine - Drink the drink that I have - made - Hey, brother pour on the wine

No, you owe me $900! I-- YOu-- Ooh-- Y-- You're just some punk kid, aren't ya? You picked the wrong guy to tangle with here, mate. I don't think so. You're all the way in Australia. Hey, I think I hear a dingo eating your baby. Yeah, well, I-- Ooh!

We all know this is Milhouse's fault. Huh? Yeah! You and your stupid grapefruit almost got us killed! What's everyone's problem? I'm glad we're stranded.

Uh, Mr. Burns. Mr. Burns. Shut up and wreck something. Mr. Burns, I hardly see... what destroying our meager possessions is going to accomplish. She's right. Take me home, Smithers. We'll destroy something tasteful.

Dateline, Kent Brockman. i'm here at the scene of the Christmas burglary, where a creature was stirring last night... and what he was stirring was up trouble. Is your husband or lover here, ma'am? No, my husband is... at church.

Mark Fuhrman-- The former president of Procter & Gamble! We have a special this month-- Mr. Blackwell debates Mr. T. Oh, please. I've seen nicer chains on a set of snow tires. I pity the fool who derives self-esteem from mocking other people's clothes. I hate myself. Ooh! Here's a wonderful speaker, Geoff Jenkins.

I'll go start dinner now. You do that. Hello. Dad, what are you doin' here? Lookin' for my teeth. Gimme those! Better wash these off.

(MUSIC PLAYING) ALL: Aloha. Oh. This is just like Hawaii. But you don't get beaten up if you leave the hotel. What gives? We just wanted to thank you. Because of the Xanax, I'm not overanxious about being a Simpson anymore. I am a little anxious about being on Xanax,

A lion. Drederick Tatum. Your behavior is-- It's unconscionable. The Moody Blues! Cold-hearted Homer, ditching his wife, while ancient Ned runs for his life. Chips of red and blue and white, but we decide which--

I'm not licked yet. I can entertain myself. No matter how good a movie is, it can't compare... to the imagination of a small boy.

Bart! Ow! Mom! Hurry up, Bart!

Geez, Marge! Tell the neighborhood. Fear not, my syndicated sweetie. You'll be preserved in this Mylar pouch, forever remaining in... near-mint condition between Doctor Who and, of course, Yasmine Bleeth.

Uh-uh! Uh-uh! Let me guess. A mother can always tell. Mm-mmm. Hmm. It's not fear of nuclear war. Mm-mmm. It's not swim test anxiety. It almost feels like you're missing something-- something important. Like I don't have a soul?

You’re quite the friendly fellow... but right now I'm looking for a patsy. Hello! You bumbling fool! - I keep telling you I'm looking for a patsy! - Hello! This moon-faced simpleton... is continually interrupting my search for a patsy. Why- Oh! Hello! Why are you looking at me like that?

The joys of mortgaging your future. Huh?

Maybe. But you don't know Lisa. I mean, she's so smart, they hooked her up to a big computer to try to teach it some things. But she had so much knowledge, it overloaded. And then it got really hot and caught on fire!

My huckleberry friend moon river and me Wow!

A house of loose ethics. Is there a building code violation? A drainage issue? A surveying error? The house is perfectly fine! Well, then quit bad-mouthing the house! Yeah, leave the house alone! Oh, geez! It's what's inside the house that's disgraceful. Drinking, gambling and debauchery.

I got somethin' that'll cheer you up. Hmm? Sir, I represent the estate of Charles Chaplin.

As chairman of the P.T.A., I am de-didilly-lighted to take over, and I think I can put the "pal" back in principal. Yeah, and I'll put the "super" back in superintendent. It's the same exact joke. What gives, Leo?

The canary. Gas! Out of the hole!

"We think Maggie may say her First word any day now. "Lisa got an 'A' in math, "which I'm only mentioning as news. I'm not putting you down. "And your father, well... last night, he went to sleep... talking about how much he loves you." Oh.

We'll give Homer all he can eat, till he can eat no more. Then he'll get his just dessert. This will be Homer Simpson's last lagniappe. Come on! You're gonna kill him with a pastry? I've seen this man eat a bowl of change.

- Thank you, Dr. Hibbert. - Hmm. - I did it. - Wow ! All right !

Well, if Freddy Quimby didn't do it, I'm sure he'll be found innocent by a fair and impartial jury. Oh, jury duty! I'll see that Quimby kid hang for this! I knew it was a bad idea to watch him open the mail. Let's go over to the county courthouse live to Kent Brockman.

to correspond with Bart's test answers. America was now discovered in 1942 by... "some guy." And our country isn't called America anymore. It's Bonerland. Your attention, please. This is Principal Skinner. Bart, this one's for you.

Yeah I tip my hat to the new constitution Take a bow for the new revolution Well, Marge, looks like your insane experiment is over. My experiment? You're the one who came up with this whole idea--

i mean, there we were with Hollywood royalty like Milton Berle and Nelson Mandela. And just a few stars down from the Cheerios honeybee. Awards and honors are great, but they don't pay the pickle man. We were earning millions, but we were always strapped for cash.

I don't feel right clubbing women and children, chief. I hear ya. Some days are tougher than others. Just close your eyes and club. CLANCY: This is it, boys. We'll have to tummy-kiss our way out. (BLOWING TUMMY KISSES) (BABIES LAUGHING)

What can you do? I bet we could buy a nice doghouse for $50. Marge, you're a tool of the doghouse makers. I am not. Yes, you are. You've been brainwashed by all those doghouse commercials on TV. I know. I'll build him a doghouse.

Same old space, huh, Dad? Yep, but they gave me these roller blades... so I can glide to the front door. Whoop. Oh. Whoa. Whoa. Sweet.

It turns into a sponge when you put it in water. Ooh, classy. I'd like to talk to you about bringing legal action... against the fiend who did this to your boy. Well, the fiend who did this to my boy is my boss. And besides, the doctor says it's just a bump on the head... and a broken toe-- nothing serious. Doctors. Doctors are idiots.

At any rate, I believe you, and I think you should...

Listen, I worked long and hard for this place, and no one's gonna take it away from me. Not you, not its rightful owner, not anybody. And another thing! If I have--

Well, I can see I'm not wanted here. Wait, Homer. Don't go. Okay, beat it! Who wants ass frosting? No, thanks. I'm on Atkins. My family hates me. My stupid friends kick me out of their stupid party.

Excuse me. I'm looking for... Wait a minute. I know that voice. If it isn't little Bart Simpson! I haven't seen you in years. That's right. That's my pop. Oh, little Bart.

Well, the next few years are a blur. Patty, where's Skinner ? We decided we loved each other enough... never to see each other again. I hope I can find a man like that. Patty, are you throwing away your last chance at happiness just for me ?

Bart, two, three, four. You put my dad in jail, flip, spin, twirl. Milhouse, if you tell anyone, I'll tell the world you wet your pants watching Harry Potter. I wasn't scared. I was just peeing! Look, if you tell what I did, I'll get in trouble. You gotta do something! I want my dad back!

Silly customer! You cannot hurt a Twinkie!

Yes, yes, you're in the way! Are you daft, woman? Sorry. I didn't realize I was in the way. You're still in the way. You don't seem to be moving at all. Oh, for cryin' out loud, just knock her ass down. Way to shove, Edna. Let us roll. Guys, is it really true? Are you cold-blooded egg murderers?

Well, I got everything I was supposed to get. I'm not going to enroll in that clown college though. That advertisement had no effect on me whatsoever.

I love our Tuesdays together, Dad. Don't you two have a list of chores to do? Hey, we just took care of that dangerous melon that was threatening our garden. Yeah. We're heroes. But where's our parade?

Don't worry, Mr. President. I-- Mr. President! Lighten up, Bitterman!

- Oh! - Oh! Game's over.

Isn't that a little excessive? I mean, how are the buttons dangerous? Baby could order poison. Oh, that's ridiculous. Poison Delivery Service. A gift basket of poisons is on its way.

Dad, I know you think you're happy now, but it's not gonna last forever. Everything lasts forever. Don't you see?

Mmm, doughnuts. Oh, doughnuts! Doughnuts! - Cyohl - Cyohl - Cyohl - Cyohl - Cyohl - Cyohl - Son of a- - Cyohl

Yeah, I like 'em okay. So come on. Let's get this over with. Excellent suggestion. I suggest we start with the Springfield Revolving Restaurant. You know, food tastes better when you're revolving. Yeah, right. Well, I must say, so far, the evening is a big disappointment.

- Maybe it's one of them, uh, metaphorical things. - Oh, yeah, yeah. Like, maybe the cabin is the place inside each of us... created by our goodwill and teamwork. Oh! Nah. They said there'd be sandwiches.

Never trust a weirdo! Azoot! I'm stuck on a nail! (CHUCKLING) Oh, God, that's painful.

The Simpsons D'oh!

Oh, that was a big mistake, Bart. No children have ever meddled with the Republican Party and lived to tell about it.

You saying you want to commit a crime, Homer? Maybe. But first I need to hear about some other crimes to get me fired up.

Really. Well, I'm from Utica, and I've never heard anyone use the phrase "steamed hams." Oh, not in Utica. No. It's an Albany expression. I see. You know, these hamburgers are quite similar to the ones they have at Krusty Burger. Oh, no. Patented Skinner burgers. Old family recipe.

Ah! Remarkable.

I'm here live in Korea...

KENT: Baby's got backlash! Springfield citizens are outraged about the destruction caused by the bad babies. Bad babies, yes, you was.

Some mechanic tuned it up right before the parade. A mechanic?

A little something I call "Plucking the Pickle." I build up a little steam, and... I didn't do it. Don't worry about your wee fish, lass. They're going to a better place.

Ooh, I would live in a big mansion? I'm so happy, darling. I as well. Are you happy, jeeves? Yes, sir. Quite. Then we're all happy.

sunrise, sunset cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon yes, we have no bananas Oh, that's sweet, Homer. Our son is growing up, isn't he? No, it's not that. Didn't you hear?

Ohh. A soiled wig. Merry Christmas and a happy New Year.

I want you to know I do not feel it in my heart. Hurry up, boy. My grapes are waiting for their water.

Prove me wrong, kids. Prove me wrong.

(GRUNTING) (GRUNTS) (GASPS) Ooh. Bart! Honey, I'm so sorry! No problem. Huh. No harm done. I wouldn't say that.

Uh-oh. Silence in my courtroom!

I call it Hands Off My jerky, Turkey.

Is that so? Oh, Flanders, won't you join me in my kitchen?

Crap you've never even thought of. We've already got an informer working deep cover on your dad. One he'll never suspect. Is it Lenny? Damn it! I mean, no. (GRUNTS)

Contact. Remove the chocks, Simpson! Simpson?

Bart, I have a riddle for you. What's the sound of one hand clapping ? Piece of cake. No, Bart. It's a 3,000-year-old riddle with no answer. It's supposed to clear your mind of conscious thought. No answer ? Lisa, listen up.

There's just not enough time to hear 'em all.

Wow. What a high-tech wonderland. Oop, got an itch.

"Ouiet nerds burp only near school." And here's how you remember their principal exports. "Dogs eat barf solely on Wednesday, Mabel." Stop! I want to learn on my own. Canada's governors general: "Clowns love haircuts. So should Lee Marvin’s valet." Get out!

Hello, kids. Everything above the board here ? Good. Play friendly, children. Uh-oh, there's your bell. Come along, now, all of you. No dawdling, now. I'll get you after school, man. But-- No, no, no. He'll get you after school, son.

Sign, sign, everywhere a sign Blockin' out the scenery Breakin' my mind Do this, don't do that Can't you read the sign? (CHANTING) Gamble, gamble, gamble!

Thank you. Thank you. Hey! Hey! Ehh! I ain't readin' that. No, not that either. Okay. Let's bring on our first bachelor. All right, ladies.

Wow! That's it. I'm off the hooch. Hey, wine!

Uuh! I'm not the thief. The government is. Every year you make hardworking joes like my reporter friend here pay income taxes. And for what? Aid to ungrateful foreigners, do-nothing nuclear missiles, tomb polish for some unknown soldier. Hey, he's right.

Goodness. I didn't realize this casual dinner... was going to turn into charged political debate.

Folks, this is your captain speaking. Our nonstop flight to Tahiti will be making a brief layover in North Haverbrook. North Haverbrook. Where have I heard that name before? Oh, no. Oh, no! There he is-- seat 3-F!

instead of competence, fine. Do you, Bob, take Selma... to have and to hold, in sickness and in health... till death do you part? I do. Mmm. Oh.

Stop that. You're hurting it. So how's it supposed to work? Well-- Boring! Am I on the Internet? No, you can only access the-- Boring! What's that fire for? The hard drive is crashing at an alarming speed! No more pictures!

You want to know what i see, Kent'? isee a siownews day with nothing to flii itl Arnie, you 're supposed to be filming people coping with the ioss of their church. And howam i supposed to do that'? Do i have a magic iens that can see into people 's souls? Well, yours wouid be black, K enti

Why is it we have ladders that can put a man on the roof, but we can't find a renewable source of food? Think, Connie. Think. Connie. Wha-- Connie.

I made millions in software and lost it at the track. Ach! It may not be glamorous, but it's good, honest work. How much is this quart of milk? Twelve dollars. Hey, Barney, what'll it be? I'd like a beer, Moe.

Tickets to the Krusty Anniversary Show! It's the Krusty the Clown 29th Anniversary Show! Hey! Thank you, thank you. Lisa, do you want a bite of my ice cream? No, thanks.

Wanna go for a ride? Can I, Marge? Can I? Yes, go. just go.

The door's frozen shut, and it's the only way out! Our Father who art in heaven, hallowed be-- Lisa, this is neither the time nor the place. That was johnny Calhoun with...

Hey, everybody. Look who's back. It's the big baby! "Oh, this porridge is too hot. Oh, wah, wah, wah!" Want some more, do ya? Well, sure. Heck, it's not my job to talk people out of killing themselves.

I couldn't help overhearing about your newfound fortune, and let me assure you that, here at the Springfield Retirement Castle, money does make a difference. Huh ? I mean there are rubdowns, and then there are rubdowns. Listen, you bloodsucker ! Has it ever occured to you...

Dad, I don't think this is such a good idea. Thank you, Marge. Now let's see how Olde Snob-field does without electricity. Whoo-hoo! Oh, no. You can't do heart surgery in the dark!

I just wanna thank you folks so much. This has turned out to be a great, great story for me. I think they're running out of tomatoes. Yeah, but they still got plenty of pumpkins.

I got a date with some twins- the state and federal tax forms. Poor Ned.

How have you been getting away with this? Well-- And I can explain, remember? I fill the balls with beer that I found at the dump. And then I bowl them, and some underground pipes take them into Moe's. Homer, that's very clever. Huh? Mom? Well, it is. I've known your father since high school, and this is the cleverest thing he's ever done.

And sometimes I got into trouble. - Bart, you can't go on like this. - I know.

Even murder has its ugly side.

Still others by my determination to lower taxes. And the bureaucrats in the state capital can put that in their pipes and smoke it.

What a great Christmas. Not even Moe's annual suicide attempt can ruin it. I ain't got all day, Drama Queen. Get it over with.

You know, Marge, that Bart is a little miracle-- his winning smile, his button nose, his fat little stomach,

Hold on. I'll check. Huge ass? Somebody check the men's room for a huge ass. I'm Hugh jazz. Telephone. This is Hugh jazz.

I'm shopping. Hmm. Cer-- Oh, my. I wonder which is the cereal for me.

Wish I'd thought of that. She's starting to give. Homer, if Maggie doesn't want to leave the house maybe she should just stay with you. Are you sure that's wise? He'll probably trade her for a beer and a nudie magazine.

- I'll get you a couple of mops. - Mops? The cure sounds worse than the disease. At Sunday school, they said the lepers were cured by some bearded dude. jesus? Yeah, that sounds right. I think we're on the outs with him. But I know someone who's even holier than jesus. Hi-diddly-ho. I-- Oh!

Why? Are you going? Well, I gotta go, don't I? I'm sure you won't enjoy it. There's nothing about bowling in the play. Oh, wait, there is. Probably not much of it. Why can't you be a little more supportive? 'Cause I don't care, okay? I can't fake an interest in this, and I'm an expert at faking an interest in your kooky projects.

All for Silas. All for Silas. I'm considerable hungry. We got any food left? Hmm. Looks like we're out of corn pone, fatback, hardtack, fat pone, "corntack."

Go back to Russia. Ah, diagnosis... delicious. I've got the prescription for you, Doctor.

Homer, get a hold of yourself. Even if he has passed on, there's no reason to cry. Remember? Doggie heaven? Oh, Marge! There is no such place. Or... to put it another way... there is.

And only one witness can clear his name, a little sissy boy who's too scared to come forward. You gotta tell him what you saw, Billy. But I'm so scared, McGarnigal. You gotta do this one for me, Billy. McGarnigal. Okay. For you, McGarnigal.

- All done. - You're not done. I want you to throw away these old calendars and TV Guides. Are you mad, woman? You never know when an old calendar might come in handy. Sure, it's not 1985 right now, but who knows what tomorrow will bring?

Well, I'm saving it for a special occasion. What the hell are you talking about ? There's gallons of it !

Mm! Oh. I'm awfully sorry. Entirely my fault. It is nice to meet you, Homer.

- Hey, man. You're fat. - Fatso. Moron. Fat too. Well, yeah. I guess I could lose a few pounds. And I can be kind of thick sometimes. You've failed at everything you've ever tried. Whoa. You've got my number on that one, buddy. This is a smart group.

Actually, Mr. Simpson, they do know a great deal about the process of mummification. First, they pulled the brain out through the nose with an iron hook... and stuffed the insides with sawdust and onions. Eww, gross ! Ooh, pretty creepy. Still, I'd rather have him chasing me than the Wolfman. Oh, Lord.

Your character provides the comic relief, like, oh, Marlon Brando in Apocalypse Now. Wish I hadn't bought a hundred of these. Get ready, everybody. He's about to do something stupid.

Go easy on that! It's got to last till you're five.

No, Governor. It's not too late. Yes, Governor. I'll tell him right away. The governor says he hopes you're a twitcher. Oh, yes! Chin up, Homer. We've gotta put an electrode there to ground the brain stem. Thank you.

You buy it! You buy it! Lisa! Lisa! Lisa! Oh, where is she?

Go up to Room 915 and ask for Form 1790. We've already been to Room 915. We've already filled out Form 1790. It was an application to open a Cinnabon stand. Look, can you please just tell us... why you've changed the flight paths?

Do you want that? Huh? - Do you? - No. All right, then. I'm sorry, Homer. No weapons. A gun is not a weapon, Marge! It's a tool, like a butcher knife or a harpoon... or, uh, an alligator. You just need more education on the subject.

BOTH: Dad! Oh, kids, I heart you, too. Man, I'm glad to be off that electroshock table. Although, to be honest, I did enjoy lying down. Hello, Homer. (GASPS) It's Ray! I see him again! Monster, you don't exist!

Aw, geez! Homer, get ready! Patty and Selma will be here any minute!

You got that right. Alley-oop. Three to one. Oh, this is a high-scoring affair. Yeah? Well, it's your turn to get the ball out of the peach basket. I'll get a ball out of your peach basket one of these days. Welcome to gymnastics. I am Coach Lugash.

So what dance style were you interested in? We have ever so many. There's ballroom. Ow! You stepped on my toes again! If you would just let me lead-- - You're not a leader, Seymour. Never have been, never will be. - Oh! There's square dancing. Oh, the birdie in the cage out, lady in the center.

- I love you, Krusty. - Quiet!

It's like Paul's song, "Live and Let Live."

And I'm Edward G. Robinson. Waah!

Superintendent Chalmers, welcome. Hello, Seymour. So, what's the word down at One School Board Plaza?

Hey, Lise, wanna join us? Room for one more. We're watchin' the TV.

How 'bout this little bee? No! Oh! Remember your hippopotamus oath. Can't you do something for him?

Master, you are needed in the kitchen. I said cover for me, damn it ! But, master, we need your skilled hands !

Lisa, I know you're mad, but just for a damn minute, try to see this from a product positioning standpoint. Do you have any idea how much pressure we're under... to come up with a new Furby or Tickle Me Elmo? And thanks to you, Funzo is the first doll designed by children,

Hey-hey! Hey-hey! Hey-hey!

Gee, this hotrod is souped up six ways from Sunday. Never had you figured for a gearhead, Homer. Oh, yeah. I'm a real expert. What is that, a six-barrel Holley carb? You betcha. Edelbrock intakes? Nothin' but. Myohoff lifters? Oh, yeah. I made that last one up. I see.

Mmm, he's not responding. Proceed to level two-- antagonism. "Past instances in which I professed to like you were fraudulent." Oh, well, I'll just have to try harder. Ooh! Thanks for dropping by. Aw, he's still repressing. Maximum hostility factor.

Where'd you get all the money? The government. I didn't earn it. I don't need it. But if they miss one payment, I'll raise hell! Hey, Homer, where's your present? D'oh! I mean, don't worry, son. I forgot to get you a present. But I swear on my father's grave-- Hey!

with my best friend. - You bitter? - Yep. Bit him too. Ow! And now, once again-- Lurleen. Homer? Is there any room in that bed for a dad-burned fool? Always has been.

Is that a navy tattoo? A navy tattoo? Do you have any idea how insane that sounds? Lieutenant Smash!

; Yuck, yuck, yuck-yuck;

Well, according to my calculations, the robots won't go berserk for at least 24 hours.

The Mayor. Starring Homer Simpson. I reluctantly accept this highly-paid, glamorous job. Presenting our new plaque. I say the time for bitterness has passed.

won-- yes, that's it-- won the first annual... Montgomery Burns... uh... Award for...

Cool! Or which of the Three Stooges had the heaviest brain?

Vietnam veteran. Do you have a military I.D.? I.D.? Man, Charlie didn't ask for I.D... when I fought at La Choy and Chun King. I saw my best friend's head explode at Margaret Cho. Homer, give him the 50 cents.

Millions of girls will grow up thinking that this is the right way to act. That they can never be anything more than vacuous ninnies... whose only goal is to look pretty, land a rich husband, and spend all day on the phone with their equally vacuous friends... talking about how damn terrific it is to look pretty and have a rich husband! just what I was gonna say.

And then we roll him up in a carpet and throw him off a bridge!

So I'm a liar, am I? "Itchy the Lucky Mouse in Manhattan Madness." That's the first Itchy cartoon ever made. And it was made by me, Chester J. Lampwick. Find me a 90-year-old projector and I'll prove it to you.

What a dump! Why would Princess Grace live here? Dad, that's Monaco. D'oh! I can do that, but I don't want to. Ugh! What is this thing? It is a monkey's paw, dating back to Al-Al Ben Abdallah.

Well, I won't be lonely for long. Hee, hee!

Well, I thought I could save you a little time. Ooh! Found a new shortcut. Better. I was working on a flat tax proposal, and I accidentally proved there's no God. We'll just see about tha-- Uh-oh. Well, maybe he made a mista-- No. It's airtight.

Americo-Australianian relations are at an all-time low. As I'm sure you remember, in the late 1980's... the u.s. experienced a short-lived infatuation with Australian culture. For some bizarre reason, the Aussies thought this would be a permanent thing. Of course, it wasn't.

- I'd be thrilled. You can start right now. - Oh! And I'm gonna keep teaching your class, like it or lump it. Well, then, I guess I'll just have to... get into the crawl space again. I hate it when he gets in there.

Oh, thank you. Thank you. Thank you, you wonderful man. All right! Food! Bart! Leave some for Rod and Todd. Here you go, lad. Todd, no!

Gasoline, axes. I got some stuff in the trunk. - Hey, there he goes! - Let's roll! Uh, Homer, you're driving. Not yet I'm not! You'll know when I'm driving! And it'll-- Tiffany's, eh? It looks like Smoochie's...

- Dad, sit down! - Gosh darn it! What does this do? Oh, I'll make my adjustments here and--

(TAPE REWINDING)

- Yeah, well, Merry Christmas. - It's Christmas ?

I hate these Worker of the Week Award ceremonies. Who even cares anymore? Everyone that works here has already got one. Except forrr--

Joe's Taxidermy. You snuff 'em, we stuff 'em. Boy, when I get home I'm going to wrap my hands around your neck... and smother you with kisses. Whatever they got you on, cut the dose. I'm bringing Michael jackson home for a few days. Isn't that cute? He's heard of you.

I gotta barf! Where's the bathroom?

This is gonna cost me.

(HUMMING) And if that diamond ring turns brass Mama's gonna buy you a looking glass HOMER: Lisa sings so sweetly. And Bart is my pillow. Everyone's good for something.

Ahh! Do you ever think anything you don't say? There is just no pleasing a girl like that! All that unnecessary behaving. I'm all tense through the "chestal" area.

Okay, love birds, break it up. Hey, this one's alone. Ha! What a loser. (SNIFFS) Oh! Here, you want some chicken? Just grab it with your hands, go ahead. We're not fancy here.

But that doesn't make you any less of a man. Except you have no penis. In the traditional sense. So what am I? Some kind of a tin can man from Planet Tomorrow? Sir, your son has brought you into the 21st century. It's a lot like the 20th except everybody's afraid, and the stock market is much lower.

There's Bugs Bunny, Fat Elvis, Autumn in New England, Bats of the Southwest, all heroes. Do you want to see Elvis kiss a bat? (MIMICKING ELVIS PRESLEY) Hey, baby, come here. I want to kiss you. (KISSING) Squeak, squeak! No, don't kiss me. You tricked me into betraying my fellow students!

An intruder! He will pay the ultimate price. Yes. The ultimate price. Get outta here! I saw weird stuff in that place last night. Weird, strange, sick, twisted, eerie, godless, evil stuff. And I want in.

Boy, this intersection is dangerous. Someone ought to put a stop sign here. Oh, Homer.

Hey, come on, joey ! - You have to twist my arm ? - Homer,

with a record of zero wins and 48 defeats-- Oh, correction. Humiliating defeats, all of them by knockout-- Must you do this every time ? Homer "The Human Punching Bag" Simpson ! Doh ! Stupid joystick !

You mean like john Leguizamo? How should I know? The point is, A.D.D. makes children restless and easily distracted. Hi, Marge. It's me-- Homer. What? Time to go? Please, Mr. Simpson. I'm afraid I'll have to expel your son-- unless you're willing to try a radical, untested, potentially dangerous--

Well, I say the most clothespins a man could attach to his face is 87. You counting the neck? You know I am. All right. Outside. Peace, my people. All shall be looked up. Let's see. "Most clothespins swallowed, inserted"--

Hey, Dad, how come you've never taken us to see a soccer game? I don't know. You'll see all your favorite soccer stars, like Ariaga, Ariaga ii, Bariaga, Aruglia, and Pizzoza! Oh, I never heard of those people. And they'll all be signing autographs! Whoo-hoo!

Outfit good. Flatters butt. Oh, arent you a dear! Then after World War II, it got kinda quiet... till Superman challenged FDR. to a race around the world. FDR. beat him by a furlong... or so the comic books would have you believe.

He said to his disciples- In your face, Bestway Linen Supply! - Yes! - No mercy! - Roll that rock! Hooh, hooh, hooh, hooh! In these times that test our faith... the Lord will be a- Holy- shining light unto us all.

Hey! I don't want you reading those awful scandal sheets. Uh, I was just trying to find Dave Barry's column. He's great. He pokes fun at life's little foibles. Kids, I want to explain about the stadium. You see, sometimes moms and dads...

I feel like something crawled inside me and took a crap. Bart, don't use that word... (GASPS) Crap!

Not talking, eh, Willie? Just listen then. I think I figured out... what sets off that big ape Francine. Willie? Willie? Whoa!

Hey, that guy's shaming us.

(GROANS) Now, I must bury my son while you wander the earth forever with the mark of evil upon your face.

Sideshow Bob, Councilman Les Wynan... says that you're not experienced enough to be mayor. Sir, what do you have to say about that? I'd say that Les Wynan... ought to do more thinkin' and less whinin'.

He's killing him softly with his saw. Killing him softly? With his saw. (AUDIENCE CHEERING)

Obi-Wan. Iron Man. Mr. Mxyzptlk. And, of course, Big Papa Smurf. What do you need me for? You could have your choice of any of the women in these bags. You would think so, but no. Really? Well, I mean, maybe we are meant for each other.

I guess it's obvious what's happened here. Bart Simpson has somehow managed to sneak his bedroom into my house. Well, come on! Use your imaginations!

I can taste his fear.

Hey! I need that pencil! Ladies and gentlemen, what you are seeing... is a total disregard for the things St. Patrick's Day stands for. All this drinking, violence, destruction of property-- Are these the things we think of when we think of the Irish?

So I'm giving you kids permission to get me mad. Come on. Give me what you got. Well, if it'll help. Uh, Mom found out her engagement ring is made of rock candy. Good work, honey. Keep it coming. Well, I'm flunking math, and the other day I was a little attracted to Milhouse.

Look, you're a sweet kid. But I'm not exactly father material. I curse, I gamble, I pick fights with homeless people, I-- What's wrong with your eyes? You need a Claritin or something? Oh, all right. You get one trip to the beach... with my assistant.

Good idea, Lisa.

Is that a Long Island Iced Tea? Oh, this? Hmm. I think it is.

Well, of course I know. Sure. You really thought I forgot, didn't you ? Oh, right. What did you get her, Dad ? What did you get ? Uh, well, a very thoughtful gift. But it's a surprise. You know, it's such a beautiful morning, I think I'll take a little stroll around the block.

Hey! No fair! Oh, we'll never get a good picture. Hey, why don't we dump spaghetti on Maggie's head? That picture's a clichÉ. Picture?

Fourscore and four, fourscore and five, fourscore and six, fourscore and seven paces. Wait! How do you know this is where Lincoln buried the gold? You just started counting from an arbitrary place. I started what from a what? Your plan makes no sense.

I'm in the kitchen, Homer. Die, die, everybody die.

I'm here at the Museum of TV and Television... with a real treat for Simpsons fans, if any, because tonight we present The Simpsons Spin-Off Showcase.

Does this mean you'll help me with my costume? Oh, sure, honey. I promise. Thanks, Mom. Mmm. Aw, just like on TV.

I'm sorry to hear that! Spin that back the way it was.

- Now all we have to do is put our names on it. - Fine. - Put my name first. - No way! All right, then to decide it I propose a race around the world. Meet me at Leicester Square at noon tomorrow. The queen herself shall drop the checkered flag. Look, there's only one reasonable way to settle this-- rock, paper, scissors.

Marge, am I crazy or is my back getting hairier? Before I go to camp, I'll need boosters for malaria,

Mother, she's right here. She knows I'm kidding. I'm not kidding.

Hello, bands! Who is playing with the London Symphony Orchestra? Come on, people. Somebody ordered the London Symphony Orchestra. Possibly while high! Cypress Hill, I'm looking in your direction.

Do you know where the remote is? I looked all over the house.

You better lay down the law. (UPBEAT MUSIC RESUMES) (ALL CHEERING) Ladies, ladies, I really am a cop. Oh, is that a five? Well, this uniform is a little snug. (WOMEN CATCALLING) Oh, yeah!

Trade you my next turn for your dessert. Deal. D'oh! Hey, how come the Smithsonian... needs to be sponsored by a cell phone company?

All right, Simpson. I don't like you, and you don't like me. - I like you. - Um, all right. You like me, but I don't like you. Maybe you would like me if you got to know me.

Lisa, what's your favorite movie? Until you taped over it, The Little Mermaid. That's right, The Odd Couple! So meet your comically mismatched roommate, Bart Simpson!

Oh! We're takin' a bath on this. We tried to tell ya these are unmanned oil rigs.

And lots of wavy hair like Liberace You guys have blundered into our secret tobacky patch. Wow! Is that wacky tobacky?

then you're sure to be a-changin' your way I met A cheerleader was A real young breeder all the times I can reminisce 'cause the best Things of lovin' Was A sister and a cousin only started with A little kiss like this... Barney? Hi, Homer. I want you to meet my friends Armando and Raffi.

Hang in there, Homer! Only 440 more seconds.

Don't be afraid to use your nails, boys!

Pucker up, Ned.

Uh, excuse me. This is a hot set. No visitors. It's my room. Well, if you want, you can sit on this. Teamsters are sleeping in my room. We're just resting our eyes.

I just wish I had an opportunity to make things right. Mr. Simpson, I like the way you handled yourself on that board. Would you like to do a commercial for us? Anything! As long as I can give the money to my son. Excellent! I represent Viagrogaine, the topical rub for bald, impotent men. Well, I am bald and important. Where do I sign?

They fought and bit they fought and fought and biT fought, fought, fought bit, bit, bit it was the itchy and scratchy show

You girls just stay here and relax. Remember, the handle of the Big Dipper points to the North Star.

Yeah, hello yourself. I'm Moe Szyslak. Back in high school, I asked you... to the Springtime Pumpkin Dance and you turned me down. Well, I just wanted to show you the face that you could have been kissing. Yeah. Oh, I was just a stupid kid back then. And I feel terrible about hurting you. Will you accept my apology?

It's not our fault our generation has short attention spans. We watch an appalling amount of TV. Don't you ever, ever talk that way about television.

"If a zombie bites you, you become a zombie. You must walk the earth, feeding on the brains of the living until the spell is broken." Bart, please. Don't you remember that Snowball I died four years ago tonight? Run over by the mayor's beer-swilling brother, Clovis. Hey, maybe there's a spell in here that'll bring her back from the dead.

And now... the final curtain.

When you surrender yourself to the Movementarians, you are guaranteed a perfect life of serenity, love and loving serenity. Not a guarantee. Loving serenity. It's about damn time! I love the Leader.

Take off that jacket, man! Okay. Now eat it. All right. Hey, hey! Chew with your mouth closed, please.

There's a good chance you can beat Tatum. But you gotta visualize how you're gonna win, okay? Gotcha. A congenital heart defect has apparently felled Tatum...

The Indian rope trick has become the Indian "nope" trick. Hi-yo! The Squishee lady! Oh, my God. I know you must get this all the time, but can I suggest a flavor? Go ahead. Grape. Mmm.

I guess we're not going to find anyone. We have our own suggestions for the new nanny. Would you like to hear them? You have my undivided attention.

Moe's. Aah! Natural light! Get it off me! Get it off me! Oh, I'm sorry. I thought this was a family restaurant. Oh, it is. It is. Just, uh, pull them stools up to the pool table. Daddy, this place... smells like tinkle!

I'm just going out to commit certain deeds. Suckers.

Maybe I'm being a little anal but barefoot season's coming up... and there's a world of rusty nails out there. Sure, I'll take you, wait with you, worry about you, then you'll ride home with someone who has a faster car. This is how you get your kicks, isn't it, Lisa? D'oh!

Honey, I'm home. Oh, I got wax in my ears. Better clean 'em. Hah? Hah? This goes on for 12 more minutes.

Mom, these are at least two sizes too big.

Question two. "Who is your son's hero?" Steve McQueen. That's your hero. "Name another dad you talk to about parenting." Next. "What are your son's hobbies?" He's always chewing on that phone cord. He hasn't done that since he was two. Then he has no hobbies. Oh, really? Maybe you should go out to the garage and see.

- Aah! - And now, the Funny Five--

Sit down! Sit down! You're ruining it for everyone!

Light out, and stay lit out! Aw, catfish. Let us pray for the souls of these dearly departed young men, Huckleberry Finn and Thomas Sawyer.

Oh, no. The parade, she starts. Meet me at the estúdio! Where is it? That way.

That's right. Gather the nectar, my little drones and make the honey--

(GRUNTS) All right, (GUN COCKING) hand over the tape and nobody gets hurt.

Okay, I'm ready to get out now. Yoo-hoo, hippie lady! Hippie lady? Hey, hippie lady! What's going on?

Say "ah," baby. Ah... (GAGGING) I'm dying! And there's heaven. But who's that? Confucius? And Milton Berle? Boy, have I been barking up the wrong tree. (HUMMING)

Children, today's local hero is Homer Simpson. Yea! Mr. Simpson bowled a perfect game, without the aid of steroids, crack, angel dust... or the other narcotics that are synonymous with pro bowling. Thank you, Bart's teacher.

Wow! See the happiest fish in the world... at our fabulous Beerquarium!

Good show. Hey, Marge, watch me burn Flanders. Ned Flanders bids $50.

What do you think he's doing up there? I don't know. Drug lab? Drug lab? Or reading comic books. What am I, Kreskin? You tell me what he's doing.

Ironic, isn't it, Smithers ? This anonymous clan of slack-jawed troglodytes has cost me the election. And yet, if I were to have them killed, I would be the one to go to jail. That's democracy for you. You are noble and poetic in defeat, sir.

Next on Comedy Central, an all-new South Park.

Eew! It's not like in cartoons. Yeah. There's a lot more mucus.

Homer, you turn the blades too fast. The golfers are complaining. Slow down! That's better. Ah, beautiful. Keep this up and someday you'll be the guy who hands out the putters. Yes, sir!

Careful, Smithers! That sponge has corners, you know. I'll go find a spherical one.

Ooh! Let's go to the water park! My 10-year ban ended yesterday. I was thinking of something a little more... adult. Oh, Marge! And then afterwards-- Really? With butterscotch on it? I think you misheard me.

Lisa ! Lisa Simpson ! Lisa, there's no room for crazy bebop in "My Country 'Tis of Thee."

Oh, wait. That was the old sofa. Oh, I'll never get my aim back. You gotta keep working on it. Oh! Aah! Aah! Water!

This is Red Barclay's shipment, on time as always. All right, let's see. Artichokes and migrant workers. Looking good. So where is old Red anyway? Well, the last time I saw him, he was in a big plastic bag. Ha. Yeah, that sounds like Red, all right.

Fruit leather... Tree Fresh imitation orange drink... Krusty brand duck sausage pizza... You've got the wrong Nick's. You want Nick's on the other side of town. I don't know what Nicky's telling you.

just like that boy in that popular movie we saw. Look what you've done to beautiful display! Yeah, that's the life for me, Marge-- cruisin' and hasslin' shopkeepers.

I never realized how hot this suit is. I'm sweating out all my bloodlust. Why don't you take a bath in the river? This bear tracker stopped beeping a half hour ago. Sweet!

Oh, Simpson. What are you doing here? My wife's having a girls' night out. Ah, just get one of those inflatable women. But make sure it's a woman though. 'Cause one time I-- Come on. I'll, uh-- I'll give you a ride home.

l was framed! - You believe me, dont you, Dad? - Of course I do. ts all my fault for refusing to pay- pay attention to you... my sweet little father-loving pile of forgiveness. Yes.

I'm so proud of you, Homie. ts like you’re Kid Rock... and I'm Pamela Anderson Lee Rock. Oop. Gotta run. Enjoy the show. Okay. Let's see the eyes.

Then for a long time, nothing happened. Until tonight. Behold the future of comedy. Poochie! - They fight and bite - and bark - they fight and fight and bite - and bark fight, fight, fight woof, woof, woof

Dad, are you trying to tell us you're getting a coronary artery bypass graft? Uh, yeah. Oh, no. What if they botch it? I won't have a dad... for a while.

Uh, you're not gonna ask me to pose nude, are you?

I can hit that one pin all right, but the rest of them don't even wobble. I can help you, Marge. Pick up the ball. Pick up Homer. Pick him up. Oh ! Now throw. Throw, damn you. But--

Tell them this is one of those places where rich women lose weight. Joe's Crematorium-- You kill 'em, we grill 'em. Hello. Who is this? Bart Simpson. Who are you? I'm Michael jackson.

(SOBBING) Aw, there, there, little darlin'. Dry those tears with this! (LAUGHING) HOMER: Hold it right there!

(GROANING) "When she pressed her lips to his forehead "and walked out with Denise and Gary "into the warm spring night, "she felt that nothing could kill her hope now."

And my good friend Frankenstein is now Frankenreagan. Bleh! Excellent. Now to the matter at hand. Whom will we put up for young Wilcox's congressional seat? Gentlemen, I am your candidate.

Okay. I'll take some white meat and stuffing to go, and send up the pumpkin pie in about 20 minutes.

I'm still hungry. Didn't you eat enough of your friends?

I'm seeing students I haven't seen in years. Sugar Hmm-hmm-hmm! Hey, Mrs. K.!

You said a mouthful. When I can't stop fiddlin' I just takes me Ritalin I'm poppin' and sailin', man

Excellent. Your lingo is progressing nicely. Can I go to the bathroom? Uh-uh! Say it in snowboard. Um, I gotta blast a dookie. Dook on!

Whoo hoo! Only in America could I get a job. Who was that young hellcat? Homer Simpson. Simpson, eh? I'll remember that name. Marge, Marge! You're a little late. She's gone to the hospital. The hospital?! I'll drive you. Thanks, Mom.

Hey, Dad, can you move your head ? No, I can't. It's broken. Hmm. Where would an innocent child... get the idea to attack her father with a mallet ?

Well, kids, we all know that sometimes when cartoon characters die, they're back again the very next week. That's why I'm presenting this sworn affidavit... that Poochie will never, ever, ever return! This document conforms to all applicable laws and statutes.

Sell Storytime Village? Why, you gotta be off your tuffet! Well, it's been closed for so long, and I-- I thought I could turn it into a Christian theme park. Christian, eh? Well, that's different. Now, the thing is I don't have a lot of money.

So long, suckers! Well, at least we're outside instead of sitting home watching TV. I hear that. Hey, that car has a TV in it! We nowreturn to The Beverly Hillbillies Down Under.

Hey, you guys want to go bowling tonight? Nah, we're busy. Yeah. We got, uh, things to do. Like what? It's a secret.

Tell you what. We'll do whatever you wanna do. Watch itchy & Scratchy! Well, I guess a little television won't hurt. I used to let the boys watch My Three Sons, but it got 'em all worked up before bedtime. The Itchy & Scratchy Show

Now, Smithers, you say you painted all your navy buddies this way? Until I was discharged, sir.

Homie, aren't you coming inside? Marge, I have always carried myself... with a certain quiet dignity. Tonight, you robbed me of it. I'm going now and I don't know when you'll see me again.

Homie, do you ever drink alone? Does the Lord count as a person?

Wow. There's Bill Gates, Stephen Hawking, Paul McCartney, Michael jordan, Michelle Kwan. They must be starting a new civilization on Mars with our best and brightest. That's us! Name, please. Certainly. I am... the, uh, piano genius from the movie Shine.

Simpson checks the runner on first. He's cool. He's fine. Here's the windup, and here's the pitch. Dad, you didn't even say "ouch." Oh, sorry. Ouch. Lisa. Lisa, I think you're right about Dad. - Something's very, very wrong here. - Frightened, Bart ? Welcome to stage three, fear.

What's the point of having a Honda if you can't show it off? Sir, if you'll just stop yelling at me, I'm sure I can find a replacement.

How can they put a prop from a TV show next to the Bill of Rights? So what's so great about the Bill of Rights? It guarantees all of the basic freedoms-- speech, religion, the right to a speedy trial. Where? I don't see that. Dad, don't do that!

Just 'cause it was cooked in a garbage can don't make it garbage.

I'm just saying I can get along in life without a "toothbrush." Namaste. And a-ooga-booga to you too. May I tell you about our white-light specials? Absolutely not. My little girl's tummy hurts.

Why do I always think of the perfect thing to say when it's too late? "Shut up, Becky!" Oh, that would have been sweet.

Young lady, I like what you're driving. Is that one of them two-level Wander-Kings? This is a house! (GROWLS) (ALL CHUCKLING) Hey, boys, let's play her the RV national anthem. (STARTS ENGINE) (ENGINES REV)

That spiky-haired, masked dancer is really something. I wonder who he is. He's graceful, yet masculine.

Yeah, and I'll put the "super" back in superintendent. It's the same exact joke. What gives, Leo? Now, I know everybody's eager to get back to class-- Ha! but I thought it might break the ice if we had a little "Q" and "A."

Hey, Flanders, it's me! Hey! Mr. Sparkaru! Mr. Sparkaru! Konnichiwa. That came from Baboon County, USA! Help! What do I do?

Take a deep, cleansing breath.

They're evolving so quickly. They've already reached the Renaissance.

The brand-new, multi-million-dollar musical! And you are starring... as the human. It's the part I was born to play, baby!

Yeah, well, that's always been like that. Waah ! Ah, just resting my eyes. Ah, well done. A rested employee is a vigilant employee. Monitoring station unmanned. Look here, Inspector. Eh, could I speak to you privately in my office ?

Y'ello? Oh, hi, Lenny. No. Why would I need a ride this afternoon? Where? To the big annual what?

I'm worried Homer might do the same thing. What would make a husband lose interest like that? What I do now I do as your dearest friend. Look at this flab! Look at it! - Oh, my God! Is that me? - Most assuredly, yes. Faced with a problem like this, I wonder, what would Oprah do?

Oh! This is fantastic. I've never been so close to rubbing my eyes in disbelief. Oh, what the heck! Huh? Huh?

We were good, Dad. They asked us to play in the Krusty Klassic. It's for charity. It benefits victims of balcony collapse. We can wipe out B.C. in our lifetime.

I'll kill you! I killed them other people. I'm gonna kill you too! You want some corn bread, Mr. Jingles? Well, you can forget it. Because I'm gonna kill you!

Everybody wanted a piece of us.

When you get a penny from a chum Don't just buy some bubble gum Put it in your cap Put it in your cap When you find a nickel in the snow Don't just blow it on a picture show Put it in your cap Put it in your cap I don't have a cap.

I'm very mad at 'ou.

I'm going away for a week. See ya! Nah. The National Grammar Rodeo? I wish I were going. Oh, wait, wait. I mean, I wish I was going. - Is that right, Bart? - Mm-mmm-mmm. It's not fair! I'm the best student in school. How come I never heard about this competition?

Well, luckily, I've got a book right here that's jam-packed with answers. Hmm. Oh, man, this is long. Could you read it to me? I guess that could be arranged. "The grace of the Lord Jesus be with God's people. The end." Wow. Wow.

Smithers, check out the luscious pair on that redhead. That's it, baby. Work those ankles.

Wow! Paul McCartney! I read about you in history class. But where's your wife, Linda? Right here, Lisa. Whenever we're in Springfield, we like to hang out in Apu's garden in the shade. We met him in India years ago during the Maharishi days. Back then I was known as the fifth Beatle. Sure you were, Apu.

Congratulations, Bart. Seeing you out there brought back a lot of memories. Thanks, Mr. Beck. I was alone out there, but someone was riding with me in spirit.

Look, Marge. I'm making a difference in people's lives.

Oh, now we're into the dregs. Here's Ralph Wiggum's entry. Prepackaged Star Wars characters, still in their display box?

I'm sure you'll find them more exciting than a weekend with Batman. I got their new Thrifty Saver savings account. 2.3% annual interest instead of the normal 2.25. So a year from now I'll have an extra nickel. I got the account where you get free customized checks. I chose the Hindenburg flip-book series. Cool!

If this were really a nuclear war, we'd all be dead meat by now. Say, you're all shivering. Are you cold or what?

So if you kind of... mentally snip out the part where I already had a husband, that's my idea of romance. Marge, I want you to stop seeing this jacques. You can let him down gently, but over the next couple of months, I want you to break it off.

And coloring Easter eggs. Oh, I can't take it. Would it be so bad if I just went home for an hour? Whoa. Don't worry. I'll be right back.

(GASPS) Well, you're not perfect either! Name one way I'm not. MARGE: You hide food in my hair. You think brushing your teeth is foreplay... I'll have you know I could have married Sideshow Mel! Boy, they're really going at it. Do you think they're gonna get divorced? No. I don't see Dad doing all that paperwork.

Will ya stop with the "sorry"? Every time you try to kill me, my ratings go through the roof, you nut! We are good together, Krusty. It makes me sad that you're getting the death penalty. Oh! Don't remind me.

That was a malpractice waiver, fool! (CHUCKLING) Ha-ha!

Aye, once, when I was sailing round the Arctic-- Shut up, you. Take one last look at the sun, Springfield.

It fell in the fryer. I'll get it out. Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!

Lisa, quick! Screw these back on. Mom, calm down. The party's not for another three hours. Oh, good. That will give me time to add another coat of glaze to the ham.

- 65th-- - Annual-- - Spring-- - field-- - Pride A-- - wards! Tonight, we'll be recognizing outstanding members of-- - the-- - Springfield community. This is my year, Marge. Everyone knows I'm what makes this city great. I don't know. There's a lot of buzz around Lenny.

Hey, quit it! They like Itchy. They like Scratchy.

Pardon me, but I would like to see this money... spent on more police officers. I have been shot eight times this year, and as a result, I almost missed work. Crybaby. My name is Marge Simpson, and I have an idea. It may sound a little boring at first. Chat away.

Yeah. And entertainers are always winning elections-- Jesse "The Body" Ventura, Sonny Bono, Gopher from Love Boat, Mary Bono. Sure I'll help you, kid. Take a picture of me and my number one dying fan.

I can't go on. You two go ahead. And carry me with you. Oh, come on, man. Hurry! They're catching up!

Seven, six-- five, four, three, two, one--

Good morning, Moe's Tavern !

We've been canceled. I think we can be proud... that we never did a bad show, except for that week Ray jay johnson was my cohost. "You can call me Ray, and you can call me jay." Ooh! That thing was funny for about three seconds. The important thing is, we're like a family.

old Gil was in a pit of despair.

Come on, Bart. We're gonna bring back the Who!

Yeah! Yeah. I want to meet the first female stealth bomber pilot. During the Gulf War, she destroyed 70 mosques. And her name is Lisa too.

They're supposed to predict stuff and ease you through times of doubt and sickness. Well, with all due respect, sir, I suppose you could come up with better fortune? Huh. Easy. Well? You will be aroused by a shampoo commercial. That's not bad. Come with me.

This rusty old horn I got a bratty brother He bugs me every day And this morning my own mother She gave my last cupcake away My dad acts like he belongs He belongs in the zoo

And what will I leave when I rent rollerblades? (GASPS)

Oh, no! No, no! The George Raft look is dead. I wanted Audie Murphy! If you would just apologize to Louie, you could get your hair cut the way you want. No apology! Not until he admits he's a jerk!

Everybody dance nOw oh! Everybody dance now

Huh? Why not? Well, I guess ll/e- Dear God- grown accustomed to your face. - ii - I’ve grown accustomed- J To his face; J And dreams of gouging out his eyes J

Still no visitors. It's time we opened up a can of Whup-Tushie on this situation.

And you're gonna work like you've never worked before. Whoo-hoo! We just saw the most amazing camel. It was wearing a hat.

Well, you'll be seeing lots of nuns where you're going, pal--

Thanks for letting us stay with you. Oh, please. It is such an honor to host our favorite family. And you came at an exciting time. I'm chairing a meeting ofthe galactic U.N. My apologies. The paint is still wet on Ambassador Farfoon.

Hardest hit by the blizzard is Springfield's forbidding Widow's Peak. Our own Arnie Pie is on the scene. Everything's snowed in. All I can see is white. Arnie, please. The ski conditions. Mayday, Mayday. I think I'm flying into a mountain. Tell my wife I love-- That's great, Arnie.

Blood on the Blackboard: the Bart Simpson story. starring Richard Chamberlain as Principal Skinner, Joe Mantegna as Fat Tony, Jane Seymour as the woman he loved... and tv's doogie howser, Neil Patrick Harris, as Bart Simpson.

Lionel Hutz, attorney-at-law ! I'm the executor of Beatrice Simmons' estate. Mr. Simpson, Bea was a wealthy woman and, surprise, surprise,

(GRUNTING) (GUNSHOT) (HOMER SCREAMS) (MARGE COCKS GUN) - (GUNSHOT) HOMER: D'oh!

Mmm, recirculated air. Uh, Homer? What, Flanders? Well, sir, I hate to be a suspicious Aloysius on you, but did you steal my air conditioner?

Sir, you've got to come quick! There's a dog runnin' around in the air ducts! I understand. Children, this is Principal Skinner. Remain calm. There is a dog in the vents.

Hmm, hmm, hmm. Eww! What is this? What are you doing? Umm, ehh, ooh-- Oh, I get it. I'm onto you. You're from Collier's magazine, aren't you? Are you going to put me in "Star Snoop"?

but unfortunately, one of them was... pure evil.

We're here! We're queer! We don't want any more bears! We're here! We're queer! We don't want any more bears! Hey, Homer, that's a pretty catchy chant. Where'd you learn it? Oh, I heard it at the mustache parade they have every year. We don't want any more bears! Sir, there's an unruly mob to see you. Does it have an appointment?

Hey, Bart. I "borrowed" my uncle's pellet gun. You want to go shoot Apu? Oh, that does sound fun.

Our current speed limit is an anachronism. - "Ignoramus." - The fatuity-- Will you shut up ? - Wait a minute. That word you keep calling me-- - Ignoramus ? Ignoramus ! It means I'm stupid, doesn't it ? There is a difference between ignorance and stupidity. Not to me there isn't, Homer ! you ignoramus. You're the ignoramus. Homer, would you like to present your rebuttal ?

But my time has not passed yet ! The world does not need another college graduate... who doesn't know how to sit ! He'll sit, he'll sit ! Come on, boy, sit. Sit !

Dad? Yes, honey?

Yes. I can picture him now-- rugged good looks, sweater knotted about his shoulders, curly locks shining in the sun like spun gold! Homer, Mr. Burns gave me another raise today. The senile old fool.

Hey, hey! Tonight I'm going to suck...

I'll do four. Uh, Homer, you didnt think you were gonna be playing with- My official tour jacket! Lookit. Wait. You misspelled "guitar hero." Look, sorry ifthere's been a misunderstanding, Homer. We reallyjust need you to tap the mikes and say, "Test, test."

This is Agent Johnson from the F.B.I. Be on the lookout for a 1936 maroon Stutz Bearcat. Uh, that really was more of a burgundy.

I gotta find something else quick. Why don't you bring this potato? It's pretty big. Mom, you're always trying to give me potatoes. What is it with you? I just think they're neat. I need something for show-and-tell.

- And you lose weight? - Uh, you might. It's a free country. Finally, books for today's busy idiot. Network Programming for Dummies. Christianity for Dummies. Mo-- Moby Dick? "Call me Ishmael, dummy."

I believe you have a letter for me. Okay, Mr. Burns. Uh, what's your first name? I don't know. Well, Homer, maybe you can take some consolation... in the fact that something you created is making so many people happy. "Ooh! Look at me. I'm making people happy.

Bart, I'm glad you're here. Milhouse could use a friend like you.

Then I'm in and I call! Four aces! Read 'em and-- Straight flush!

and I think I can put the "pal" back in principal. Yeah, and I'll put the "super" back in superintendent. It's the same exact joke. What gives, Leo?

Oh, hey, thank you, Maggie. Mmm, this really hits the spot. Doesn't it, though ? You make really good lemonade, Scratchy. Thank you, Itchy. Wasn't that funny, boys and girls ?

Maybe you need to take the leprechaun... and sic it on the gypsy. Good idea, Mister Ed. Want to come along, noodle neck? I can't live this way anymore.

when Poochie the Dog made his howlingly unfunny debut. Far be it from me to gloat in another's downfall, but I have a feeling no children are gonna be crying... when this puppy is put to sleep. What the hell happened?

I'll think of you whenever I have a stroke or a heart attack. D'oh! (GROWLING) (ROARING) Oh, my God! I'm gonna be killed by a bear! Well, I guess I don't have to worry anymore about the dangers of smoking. Smooth.

Hey, why'd you lock the door? We're still inside. It's a chance for you to catch up on all the work I'm assigning you now.

was arrested today for massive tax fraud. Krusty's years of tax "avoision" would never have-- What the heck is "avoision"? "AvoisiOn"-- It's a crime. Look it up. Would never have-- "Evasion." "Evasion." I don't say "evasion," I say "avoisiOn." Would never have come to light if not...

Any thoughts on Miami-Cincinnati? I certainly do, Bret. I hereby declare Miami to be Smooth jimmy's 'Lock of the Week.' Ooh, that's a big lock. I just don't trust that guy.

He knocks the guy into the sun and says, "hot enough for you ?" I stand corrected. We're here !

You're too late, Homer. Barney sucked it dry. Cut his gums up pretty bad. Ohh!

(GRUNTING) Whoa!

Bart, I couldn't help noticing Buck is a total fraud. So I took the liberty of creating a new hero for your wall. That is just grotesque. Well, I thought if you were lookin' to worship someone, maybe it could be your old man. - Eh, we could try it. - Yes!

Hi, Dad. Hey, how come you guys got such great parking places?

Yeah, a real Candy Land! Of the mind. The mind. I'll just go now. Bunch of dorks.

Man, this place has got everything.

No, Lisa, I swear to you! I'm 100% completely serious!

Look at the time.

Homer, please don't make me choose between my man and my god, because you just can't win. There you go again. Always taking someone else's side-- Flanders, the water department, God. I'm only going to ask you one last time. Are you sure you won't come with us to church?

You'll never pass this course if you don't know the periodic table. - I'll write it on my hand. - Oh!

Oh, my God, Marge. It's escaped!

Well, Seymour, it's clear you've been falsely accused, because no one, anywhere, ever... would pretend to be a 44-year-old virgin. Oh, that's for sure!

The moon is waxing tonight. What's that? Uh... Woo-hoo!

Oh, for the love of criminy! Give me that! I know Bart did something wrong, but he's my son and I'm going to punish him myself. Our countries may have their differences, but as human beings, I think we can all agree... there's no substitute for the discipline of a loving parent.

And she's the nice one. Okay, kids. This book should help you deal with your feelings. Look, Maggie. It's a pop-up. "Daddy's made a shiv.

viva las vegas viva las vegas viva las vegas

Here's your Washington Post! You like that, Clinton?

Drugs aren't so expensive in other countries. In other countries, families also lie on the floor and eat bugs. What countries are those? - You ever been to Norway? - No. Well, they do it in Norway. And that's why I personally thank God we pay too much for drugs.

joy, excitement, looking. Mom, can I go buy one of those long, plastic horns? Oh, Bart, we've bought those before, and you always just throw them out the car window on the ride home. I get bored with them. But that won't happen this time.

Run, Kodos! Ha-ha-ha! Well, Kang, it seems the earthlings won. Did they? That board with the nail in it may have defeated us, but the humans won't stop there. They'll make bigger boards and bigger nails.

Oh, you poor, unfortunate man. Let's get you out of those clothes immediately. And we'll do whatever we can about the smell. But I-- All right.

Sold to the small man with the runny nose for 2.3 million. Our next highest bid, uh, I believe was yours, sir, for 2.1 million. Yes. Were there any serious bids for this painting?

YOUNG MARGE: Really? Why? Because I talked to you. YOUNG MARGE: Aw! I couldn't see her through the flaps, but she's my kind of girl.

Can I see it? My spoon! Ow! Wankers.

Well, it's been two long trips, but we're finally almost there again. When you locked the front door, - did you remember to lock the back door? - D'oh! D'oh! Oh, no! We left Grampa back at the gas station. What about Grampa?

I knew there was only one person who could reunite this troubled clan-- my old fraternity brother Willie Nelson.

Why did Lisa dump me? Is it because of my small calves? They're the hardest place to add mass! Cheer up, Milhouse. You got your whole life ahead of you.

which is, that it's wrong to imprison an animal. Lisa, go to your room.

Hi, Apu. Can I put this poster in your window? Well, of course you can, you little pixie.

Sensual, sanitary seclusion awaits you at any of... America's fine, AAA-approved motor lodges.

See ya. Oh. What's that awful sound? The furnace? It's me. Aww! Why is you so down, Little Miss Vicki? My kitty cat's sick, and I'd be ever so sad if she should die.

J That's the story about Homer and MargeJ J Two folks I helped out for a nominal chargeJ

Hume Cronyn. Gregory Peck. Homer, I'm very uncomfortable having a gang of crows in our bedroom. It's a murder, honey. A group of crows is called a murder. I'm sleeping on the couch.

Oh! Why does that woman thwart my sporadic interest in my children?

Huh? Great news, everyone. Goliath is dead! Although I haven't seen his body, the blast that failed to kill me surely killed the giant. Anyhoo, now that I'm your king again--

I knew Bart would panic and start perspiring... at the sight of this button applicator. Couldn't you have just turned up the heat a little? Oh, heavens, no! It had to be terror sweat. Oh, yeah. This is good.

Now I'm lucky if I can find half an hour a week in which to get funky. I've gotta get out of this rut and back into the groove!

Hey, you folks are all right. Man, it was rough getting a ride out there. The only car that stopped was a hearse that thought I fell out. It was rough, I tell you. Careful of the apple pie on the seat. Uh-oh. Grampa, are you sitting on the pie?

To fly! The dream of man and flightless bird alike.

and all it did was make me do terrible things,

See you some other time! Hyuk! Hyuk! Hyuk! Great show, Krusty. I really laughed when... Yeah, yeah. where's my nicotine Gum? Ah, that's the stuff! Damn, I'm exhausted. Those Kids were like ice.

And may God have mercy on us all.

I want you to be in charge of safety here at the plant. Safety ? But, sir, if truth be known, I actually caused more accidents around here than any other employee. There were even a few doozies no one ever found out about. The generous offer I'm making is good for exactly... 30 seconds, Simpson.

and damn good cherry pie. Brilliant. I have absolutely no idea what's going on. Homer, I want you to look at this drawing Bart did.

Good for you, lass. I got me a zero once, and my life turned out just fine. Ach! Whoa-ho! That's a nasty clog. Ooh, you've got yourself a partner, have ya?

Marge! Hey, Mrs. Simpson, I just got the new issue of Sponge and Vacuum.

To stop those monsters one, two, three Here's a fresh new way that's trouble-free it's got Paul Anka's guarantee Guarantee void in Tennessee

I wonder if I could change Nelson.

Ooh, the gum with a cracker center. Mmm. That'll do it, Apu.

Well, get used to it 'cause I'm gonna stay. Fabulous. Here's the key to the lotion cabinet. Grady, are you sure you want to live with him? ts either him or that girl who put Mother Earth as a reference. And with a male roommate, we can walk around naked. Way ahead of ya! J; Whoo!

Mr. Burns, how can you be so coldhearted? You have no idea, woman, what that man's put me through. Uh, Mr. Burns, I need to borrow some money. Oh, please, do go on. I know you're a good man. And I have a dog that's very sick.

In one week, the town will vote on a special referendum... whether or not to deport all illegal immigrants from Springfield. It shall be known as Proposition 24. Yea!

Oh, no! I can't see. I'm blind. Blind!

Istanbul I've been everywhere, man I've been everywhere, man Crossed the deserts bare, man

Anytime, chum... p. All right, where would you kids like to eat tonight? The Spaghetti Laboratory! Face-Stuffers! Professor V.J. Cornucopia's Fantastic Foodmagorium and Great American Steakery. Well, what about this place? Moe's.

Yes. The music is from southern Hungary. That's quite an ear. Have some money. Your husband is quite the gentleman. Most people laugh at my googly eye.

Oh, yeah? Eat my dust! - Wow. Someone sure likes his kidney mush. - Damn right.

Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Hey, I think I'm gettin' it! Yes, that's great. Now let's just pull ourselves out of this tailspin here. Whoo. Oh, I'm sorry about that. It's okay. That's what the diapers are for.

Homer, can I get you a beer? No. I want to get him a beer. Kids, kids, you can each get me a beer. But first, let's see it again in super slow motion. Why you-- Huh?

Oh, my God! She's having babies! Oh, I'm sorry, girl. I thought you were just getting fat.

We want prohibition! We want prohibition!

I've got more bones than that guy. If you're trying to impress me, you've failed. It's not the number of bones, sir. - It's the-- - You have failed.

How could you think of killing yourself ? We love you. - Yeah, Dad. We love you. - Yeah. Kill myself ? Killing myself is the last thing I'd ever do. Now I have a purpose, a reason to live. I don't care who I have to face. I don't care who I have to fight.

Test lady. Test lady. Go ahead, give it a try. It goes by how clammy your hands are.

The bonfire sent soot into the air, which created rain. And with all the trees cut down, a flood was inevitable. Yeah, but what made the rain stop? I dunno. Buddha? Hey, they've suffered enough. Keep that popcorn chicken coming, Colonel.

That doesn't sound like me. Well, I suppose if this doesn't work out, you can always go back to the plant. Not the way I quit. Whoo-hoo.

Don't thank me. Thank the moon's gravitational pull.

I've gone back to the time... when dinosaurs weren't just confined to zoos!

you lying, thieving"-- blanking blankers-- "Sincerely, Moe." Oh, great. Now we have to send him a card. I know you're used to getting hate mail, but I'm not. There's only one way out. We've gotta give this greedy town its money back. But we don't have $15,000.

Mom, you gotta take my picture in this car so I can show Milhouse. Oh, sorry, honey. I used up the last roll on that man I thought was judge judy. Well, I think we lost them. Oh, wait. There they are. Let me try something. Take the wheel, Lisa. But my Dad--

Don't do that ! Don't do that ! Hey, don't do that ! Take that, you dumb squirrel !

Look at me, Lise. I'm Baron Von Chicken Pants. Bart, that's tomorrow night's dinner. You're tomorrow night's dinner. Mom! Bart took what I said and turned it into an insult! That's nice, dear! Okay, Mr. Peanut, you think you can keep--

Happy birthday Mr. Smithers Mmm. Lobo. Lobo. Bring back Sheriff Lobo! Lobo! Lobo! What, Homie? Oh, no! Burns's birthday!

Come on! Give me the dough! I can throw this pretty hard! Poor Wiggum. Poor Wiggum. I'll bet you really hate Rex Banner, huh? Um, who? The guy who took your job. Oh, yeah. More than anything in the world! Hey, how would you like to show him up...

Let me off the plane. I'm asking you nicely to open the doors! Take it easy, Marge. How about if we dope you up real good? Let me off! Let me off! Let me off! Let me off! Let me off! Let me off! Let me off! Let me off! Let me off! Let me off!

Come on, honey. Smile! I bet you've got a beautiful smile. Why don't you share it with the world? There is no God! Fellow workers, I've been meeting with Mr. Burns day and night, and I've had enough. Strike! Strike! Strike! Strike!

Who is it? Uh, it's an angry mob, ma'am. Could you step outside for a twinkle while we knock down your house? Just a minute.

Oh, no. Well, well, well, velocity boy.

I am gonna punish you for this, Bart. And it won't just be a simple caning this time. Because you have impeded science, you must now aid science. Yes. Starting tomorrow, you will assist me with my amateur astronomy. Taking down coordinates, carrying equipment and so forth.

Oh, my God! Oh, my God! We finally have something to put in the wall safe. Hostess Twinkies? I heard if you age them for 10 years, they turn to liquor.

What do we want ? Substantially less violence in children's programming ! When do we want it ? Now ! No ! You're ruining the show ! Oh, stop it !

(DOORBELL RINGS) There's one right now. Who is it? Is it Ralph? It is not Ralph. Hi, Bart. My nose makes its own bubble gum. Just get in here! ...18, 19, 20. I found you, Bart!

and all it did was make me do terrible things, and then break my heart. Lisa, welcome to love. It's full of doubt and pain and uncertainty, but then one day,

Ooh. Foofie doesn't like the sound of that "maybe." 'Cause him's a commitment dog, isn't him?

Bart, watch your language. You are not going to perform that operation yourself.

Oh, boy. Well, I'll just have to go to my backup plan. Nelson, how's your arm feeling? Great! Good. Take this note over to the referee. "We forfeit"? What? We forfeit?

Stop right there! I have here the only working phaser ever built. It was fired only once: to keep William Shatner from making another album.

Go long! Hey, look what I found. A novelty flying disk.

Any kid caught on the street after dark will be shot... or returned to their parents, as the situation may warrant. Whoa! Curfew? Serves you little punks right. Maybe next time you'll think before-- Oh, my God!

Ow! Careful, not the face.

Get her! She's doing something! - It's the Goodwill truck! - She cleaned out the attic! Our junk! And the exits are sealed! Go to plan "B"!

Lisa, you took out a restraining order against your own brother?

I'm an idiot. What am I gonna tell my wife and kids?

You see, that ping sound means the spit was on target. Now you try. Gettin' better. Wait a minute. Even Lenny is teaching a class. Look at the way they admire and adore him.

Safe at last. Shh. We're trespassing. And some of these farmers have pitchforks.

According to Eternity magazine the feeling of guilt has been linked to gamephenomene.

Best three out of five. How's that ? Excellent. Well, today being Saturday, gentlemen, I guess I'll be taking my comic and--

Tom Cruise or Mel Gibson? What is the point of all this? Your Honor, I feel so confident of Marge Simpson's guilt, that I can waste the court's time by rating the super hunks. Wow, that's confidence. Ooh, he's gonna win. Mr. Hutz!

And then I created the voice of Yellow-bellied Yak. All I need is some courage. Courage, I tell ya.

Let the agriculture begin! All right. Let's see what the old girl can do. Mm-hmm. It doesn't sound very tractor-y. Hang on. And there.

'cause those monkeys seem confused and irritable. Hee-hee-hee! I pity those poor suckers on the freeway. Gas, brake, honk. Gas, brake, honk. Honk, honk, punch. Gas, gas, gas.

You, gentle sir, are fired. Oh! Barely gettin' by it's all takin' and no givin' Oh, hello, young man.

Every week, we're just making God madder and madder. Testify! Lord, my husband is by no means perfect, but he's a kind, decent man. Please show him the error of his ways. Marge, come to bed.

Nice try, Homer. just take one bite. If you're not 100% different-- Ow! Geez, what's the big deal? Look, I'll even eat some. Now-- Hmm?

Why, you little--- Ooh. Homer! I'm outta here. Me too.

Lisa, Lisa! Where were you? You missed the most incredible thing! Hi, Dad.

Wow. Classy. Good evening, sir. Would you please leave without a fuss right now? Okay.

Not for a second. Not at all.

...Notty-notty-not. "The Flanders are having a beef-a-thon! Incredible Nedibles! Maudacious vittles!" I think it means he's having a barbecue. Why doesn't he just say so?! He's trying to be friendly. If you gave Ned Flanders a chance... I don't care if he is the nicest guy in the world. He's a jerk. End of story.

Which is fine. More power to ya. It's just that some people find your turkey a little dry. Mm-hmm. And if they want an option, they'll have it.

It's no good, Captain. I cannot reach the control panel.

which combined with airborne pieces of metal at Builder's Barn to create a miniature black hole. This anomaly interposed itself between Homer and Bart causing a gravitational lens, which absorbed the light reflected from Ray the roofer.

There is no wedding here! (ALL GRUMBLING) Oh, my God! We're sealed in! Nobody breathe my air! Get your own! (BREATHING HEAVILY) Why you selfish little maggot, I'll suck your lungs dry! Knock it off!

No. Yes! The "House" always wins. Sorry, Milhouse. I thought Canada would save our relationship. But it only made it worse. You're breaking up with me? Why? I guess I was just looking for someone more... masculine.

Weirdos. Hi, Marge. We're freaking out squares. - Oh, Lord. - What's in your brand-new bag, mama? It's that pair of Dockers you wanted. 48 waist with the balloon seat, right? Marge! Not in front of the hippies.

Bart, look at this. My dad took me to Circus of Values last night and said I could get anything I wanted. Cool-- An oversize novelty billiard ball.

For your information I just made a cool $25 playing the market. Buy low, sell high-- that's my motto.

Maggie! Please, Maggie. Please go to sleep.

What about a hot air balloon? Pipe down, Jules Verne. Go, Mom! You can do it! No! There's still air in that bus.

Whoo-hoo! Come to papa.

Temperance Barrows stared at the sea, like a dog stares at a ham. Oh, I just finished my first paragraph. Spell-check! Perfect. Now let's see if lightning strikes twice.

Did I hear the word "astronomical"? If so, my construction outfit, Valdazo Brothers Olive Oil, is poised to help. No, no, no, no. We're not building anything. How can you say that when construction has already begun?

(CHUCKLES) (BOTH MOANING) My first credit card. Wow, the numbers are all bumpy-like.

Look alive, Simpson! I'm not paying you to goldbrick. Yes! Yes, sir! Get cracking on my long division, and don't forget to show your work, Simpson. I'll have it on your desk in the morning, sir. Bart! Leave Simpson alone.

Get down from there before the neighbors see-- Hey, Simpson. Doh ! Flanders, I don't care what this looks like.

Wait. Wait. I got it. I got it. Very nice, Ed. Your inventions continue to impress me and the entire nation. Marge! President Clinton! Oh, my Lord!

So he went upstairs and knocked on the door There's a helpful bear on the 28th floor Twenty-eighth floor, twenty-eighth floor There's a helpful bear on the 28th floor Aw! Look how happy she is.

I liked the balloons. I liked the party hats. What do you mean? Nothing. Twins. Open your present. They're Krusty the Klown walkie-talkies! I'll keep one and you keep one. Whenever you want to talk to me

I built a lot of things around the house-- the spice rack, the bird feeder, the Gymboree.

Now, Smithers, you say you painted all your navy buddies this way? Until I was discharged, sir.

Good day. Hello. Great glayvin's ghost! He's alive! Yes, that's right. I pulled a Jesus. Have a nickel. (EXCLAIMS IN SURPRISE) Burns is alive? Then whose skull am I drinking beer out of? Boy, I can't wait to dance on his grave! Mmm-hmm. Oh, yeah.

Guess how many boobs I saw today, Marge? Fifteen! Ohh! I hope he didn't cause too much trouble, Sheriff. Ah, boys will be boys. I reckon he was just blowing off a little steam. Doesn't he talk funny?

That's not the point. And another thing-- I asked you to take out the garbage three days ago, and you still haven't-- Hmm. Still half an hour till dinner. Oh, well. Ow!

That's not a fairy tale. It's just something that happened to you at Moe's. Shh, shh, shh! Anyway, the prince passed out for 100 years... until he was awakened by the kiss of a noble raccoon. And thank you, God, for the bad things adults do... which distract attention from stuff I'm doing. Amen. He's also thankful for your bounty, Lord.

And now, the winner of the grand prize. Barney Gumble! What?

What do we have here? The long flabby arm of the law? The last case you got to the bottom of was a case of Mallomars!

This is the trigger, and this is the thing you point at whatever you want to die.

boys and girls, retired people with nothing better to do. Danger comes in many, many forms, from dinosaurs that tormented our caveman ancestors to the-- Simpson, get to the point. I think we should put a stop sign at "D" Street and 12th. The other-- All in favor ? Aye. Approved. Meeting adjourned.

Oh, no! Oh, hey, look, they're sellin' your car, man. Boy, it's nice. Oh, I will totally kill whoever buys L'il Bandit. Sold! Whoo-hoo!

Thank you. Oh, yeah. Cancel it! Hello?

Thank you. Thank you. Hey, Mr. President! I campaigned for the other guy, but I voted for you!

Zombie eat brains but zombie cannot swallow this injustice.

Well, we'll have to organize a carpool. Hey! Every day will be like a road trip! With your dad! To school!

God wants you to lead the French army to what? Victory. Victory?

He's-- Well, he's your son.

After all, negotiations make strange bedfellows.

To love our country is no chore Wait right here for our encore (CROWD CHEERING) We mean it, don't move! (ALL LAUGHING)

Are you gay? Gay? I wish!

So I de-- You gave away my room? Come on, Lisa. Try and see this from the Omnitouch Corporation's point of view. Your father's right, Lisa. Cellular service is about communication and unity-- community. Hmm?

Well, America's not perfect. So America isn't perfect. Is that why you and your son hate us? If by "us" you mean loud mouth talk show hosts, which everyone seems to be in this country, then, yes, I do hate Americans.

One, ha-ya-yah. Wait a minute. There's probably a-- Homer, your bravery and quick thinking... have turned a potential Chernobyl...

Run across! I'm sorry. I only sent you the wrong way because I thought you were Luke's girlfriend.

All right, here's the deal. Every time you watch my show, - I will send you $40! - Checks will not be honored. I admit I used the city treasury to fund the murder of my enemies. But as Gabbo would say, "I'm a bad widdle boy."

gutting Symphony Hall, the Springfield Museum of Natural History, the Springfield Arts Center and Barney's Bowl-a-rama. Officials said the-- Oh, no ! Marge ! Marge, are you all right ? No ! I'm very upset. Then you've heard. Oh, God. What are we gonna do ?

It won't be easy, but I'm gonna... claw my way back on to TV. The old gray mare she ain't what she used to be ain't what she used to be ain't what she used to be And now, the Crazy Old Man Singers. The old gray mare She ain't what she used to be

Drive! Drive! ALL: 99 minutes until we're all saved 99 minutes to go

So, you mean our whole marriage youve just been resenting me behind my back?

Okay, don't use reverse psychology. All right, I will. Son, I don't think you should let me help you. If you really want to help, clean these paint brushes. Thank you, Bill Cosby. You've saved the Simpsons. there he sitS with A pen and A yellow pad

Excuse me. What are you doing? I'm giving you the beating of your life! Look, if-- Stop that.

All right, knock it off ! Knock what off, Simpson ? You've been rubbing my nose in it since I got here ! Your family is better than my family ! Your beer comes from farther away than my beer ! You and your son like each other ! Your wife's butt is higher than my wife's butt ! You make me sick !

Sorry, Mick! Simpson! w'w' f "She's So Cold"] Okay, strut, strut, strut... strut, strut, spin and rooster. w'w' f Continues f Look, everyone. Homer's got it. J I'm so hot for me I'm so hot for me;

This is the largest TV in the free world. ¡Ay, un gato malodoro!

Oh, no, Dad's been drugged. No, he hasn't.

It's a shame it didn't work out, Marge, but George just felt this neighborhood brought out the worst in him and-- Oh, my. Well, so long!

Go on home, Ralph. I can't, without Daddy's key! I can't bail on a friend, even if it is Ralph. Ah, you wuss. Hey! Give it back!

And I've been on safari. If you need me, I'll be in the refrigerator.

Huh? Thanks for the lift!

Well, I guess I can't. Which is a shame, because I really hate those cartoons. Oh, yeah ? Well, what do you have to say to all those Marge Simpson wanna-bes... who wish to suppress David's doodle ?

I'm a father myself, sir. And, sure, sometimes my kids can be obnoxious, or boring, or stinky.

Yeah, he's something else, all right. But worst of all, he drags down the grades of anyone who sits near him. just look at this pattern. Hey, that looks like Bart. And turning to the 3-D map, we see an unmistakable cone of ignorance. Put it away! Put it away!

And now... the final curtain. Hold it right there, Sideshow Bob. You're under arrest.

(GRUNTS IN ANGER) That Homer just burns my waffles. Pain is the cleanser! Pain is the cleanser! (DOORBELL RINGING) Excuse me. My car broke down. Well, I'll give you a jump! I'll rotate your tires! I'll even fold up that map for you! I know that can be a dickens of a doozie!

I wanna see some credentials! I'm sorry, Doctor. He's just afraid you'll blame all my problems on him. I'm not here to blame anyone. Marge, therapy can be an intense process. Uh-huh. We're going to delve deeply into your subconscious,

Hey, Lis, keep an eye out for the guy with the peanuts. There's no guy with peanuts, dear. - Geez. No beer. No opera dogs. - Shh !

Hi, Homer. I brought you--

Well, I think you should take Bart... to meet this exotic belly-person. I want him to see that she's a real human being... with real thoughts and real feelings. I want Bart to see you apologize for the way you treated her. Okay. Your wish is my command, my little-- DO it !

Okay, let's see. Earth is channel 23, I think. (SCREAMING)

Well, if Alec is out, I'm out too. You're on your own, Potsie. "The Terminizer: An Erotic Thriller."

That's right. Order now and you'll also get Sun 'n' Run, the suntan lotion that's also a laxative. Gotta get a juicer. Gotta drink juice. Lose weight. Won't get chest pains from answering the phone anymore.

Anyway, it all started when I was-- You go, Homer. Whoosh! Ow! Jetson!

Me too. Now, let's get going. I got a date with Eudora Welty. Coming, Eudora! Excellent. Bribing those two judges has paid off, just as it did during the Miss Teen America pageant. How can you vote for Burns's movie?

I don't know, Dad. Don't you have a better picture? Relax. A photo can't make any difference. He looks crazy. Agreed. Reading his essay would only waste valuable seconds.

Well, now that you've got everything you need, I'll just, you know, get out of your hair. Not so fast, two eyes! Come on. Let's slice him open and get our food back. Wait! We're not savages. We live in a society of law. Milhouse has the right to a fair trial.

Oh. I'm wasting away. I'm down to a "B" cup! It's been a whole week! Why are you letting my husband die? What does that have to do with baseball?

I've got to admit, I miss the way he used to tuck us in... and kiss us on the forehead. Forehead? Oh, maybe I should have made his movie. Yeah. It wasn't that bad. I mean, the script might even work... if you got rid of the talking pie. What, are you crazy? It's a buddy picture. Without the pie, it would just be me on screen for two hours.

I got a court order bringing him back. The judge said I was the most pathetic person he'd ever seen in court. Pity custody. Boo-yah! (VOCALIZING) Repo man. I'm here to take your pants. Not in front of my son. Please! You're somebody's father? Yes, okay? Oh, boy.

¡Ay, Ay, Ay! ¡La policÍA! Hey, Homer. Phone call. Hi, Homie. It's really starting to snow. I think you should come home. But, Marge, Alan Thicke is throwing knives at Ricardo Montalban. Ow. Sorry, Ricardo.

Dad's on the log. Now, Mom, you get the car and pull them to safety.

I still think we should have spent the money to fix Main Street. Well, you should have written a song like that guy.

Get back! Get back! M-Mr. Simpson, no!

(GIGGLING) (CRACKING) (SOBBING) Ow! I just don't understand what the problem is. (GIGGLING) Okay, that's two, and that's it.

at a sex farm for sex hookers. I keep telling ya. I just grow sorghum here. Uh-huh. And where are the hookers? Round back. Oops.

REPORTER ON TV: A play date with disaster at Cletus' farm. I'm at the first aid tent where overwhelmed doctors are trying to sort out the owies from the boo-boos. Now I'm told we have the leader of the babies on the line. Tyler, is there a peaceful solution possible?

You could be my father figure. No way! I'm not gettin' my fingerprints on that train wreck.

Yar! Sometimes I wonder why I bother plundering at all.

I got it! Madman Moe's Pressure Cooker! I like it! Hey, how about Uncle Moe's Family Feedbag?

But, Zelda, if you're looking for something with a big backseat... and a lot of gas, I'm your man. Oh! You've never heard Garrison Keillor... till you've heard him through five speakers. Aw, phoo.

- Don't forget the Special Olympics. - Oh, yeah. I slaughtered the Special Olympics. Are those our ratings? Let me see. I lost to Channel Ocho? What the hell is that? Dos huevos, por favor. ¡AY! Oh, que lÁstima.

Whoa, a badger! Sorry, man. You can't crash here. Come on, let's go. Well, boy, looks like you got yourself a roommate. Come on, Lise. There's gotta be a way to lure that badger out. Well, according to WhatBadgersEat.com,

All the years of joy that I've lost. Why? Because of my stubborn ways. There, there, Rabbi. it's not too late.

Neddie, I've had about all I can take of Homer Simpson's torso. - I'll get some hot dogs. - No foot-longs. I know. They make you uncomfortable.

Radical! Is that your final answer? I don't understand. That wasn't funny. Wait a minute. Somebody's not laughing here. It's him. Hey. Don't blame me. This movie is tired and predictable.

Oh, right, the gas.

Barney sucked it dry. Cut his gums up pretty bad.

Yea! We took back the night! Hey, fellas! Hey, you wanna stop with the kicking?

with one person one very special person they're the luckiest people

Spare my life and I will grant you three wi--

Now, wait a minute! How can you people turn on snakes after all they've done for you? I'm an old man. I hate everything but Matlock. Ooh, it's on now. Mrs. Glick, who killed all those rats in your basement? A snake did. And you like snakes, don't you, Barry White?

I think they're trying to get some attention. Oh. Good luck! Look at these bills. "Chain for elephant." "Shots for elephant." "Oversized decorative poncho"! Technically, it's for a giraffe, but I think I can let it out a little. Well, these bills will have to be paid out of your allowance. You'll have to raise my allowance to about $1,000 a week.

Hello, Homer. Marge, we had a deal. Your sisters don't come here after 6:00, and I stop eating your lipstick.

w' Toys and kicks and pets and brotherhood) ts our song! Now there'll be no more trouble from that meddlesome bartender. Yeah. You know... looking at this sweet, precious child makes me want to have one of our own.

Hey, no abbreviations. Not I.D., Dad. "Id." It's a word. - As in, "This game is stup-id." - Hey, shut up, boy. Yeah, Bart. You're supposed to be developing verbal abilities... for your big aptitude test tomorrow. We could look this "id" thing up in the dictionary. - We got one ? - I think it's under the short leg of the couch.

Oh, a cunning stratagem, sir. It's curving right toward the green. And it's... there! He got to the green in one shot? How can that old man... hit so far?

Happy Thanksgiving from the entire Channel 6 family including Kent Brockman, who's contractually permitted to replace himself with a cardboard cutout. The real Kent is in a rehab clinic. We all wish him the best... Again. I love the holiday season.

That's right. Order now and you'll also get Sun 'n' Run, the suntan lotion that's also a laxative.

Help! Ugh! This mosquito net's not working. No, no. You have it inside out. There. When do we get to see the animals? In the morning, little one. Now, good night, and don't let the bedbugs paralyze.

Dad, help! Help! All right, I'm comin'. Let me know if you're gonna do that again, Homer.

(GUFFAWING) (SIGHS) A, B, C, D, E, F, G How I wonder what you are Thank you.

No, wait, wait. That's no good. I know. Your grandfather, remember? It all started on an outing for dinner. Say, I've got a neat idea. Why don't you go in and pick up my mother, and we'll all go out to dinner? I'll be back in a jiffy.

Hot stuff comin' through.

Check it out! Dribble glass, rubber knife, whoopee salad! (FARTING) (CHUCKLES) And finally the breakaway wine bottle... Did not arrive. (MOANING) My theme is "If Music be the Food of Love."

Cool. Mom's on drugs. If we turn her in, we can get a form letter from Dick Cheney.

Oh, my God! Damn you, snow!

God, he eats like a pig. I don't know. Pigs tend to chew. I'd say he eats more like a duck.

I never thought of that. It totally works. Oh, how could I have been so blind?

Instead find you grappling with local oaf. Oh, brought some of your commie friends to help you fight dirty, eh? Mikhail, they put a wig on my head, my memoirs got-- George, this is the last straw! You apologize to Homer right now! But, Bar, we can't show any weakness in front of the Russians.

It should never stop dancing. It should need accessories. Now that's market research you can take to the bank-- the money bank. I just wish those second-graders would stop jerking us around. Fun toys are fun. Well said, Ralph. But we're trying to come up with a name for a toy. Mrs. Fun? Not bad.

Let's go find Mom and Dad. First, let's slap on some Band-Aids so they feel really bad for ditching us. Time to find a woman who needs some TLC. A Tired Liver-spotted Coot.

Man on the range! Change your trajectory! Sixteen brand-new gas pumps! At last we can compete with the Gas-N-Gulp. If there was some way to get rid of Flanders, would you want to come back?

I feel like I violated Matthew 19:19. Huh ? "Love thy neighbor." Oh. Oh. Matthew 19:19. Yeah, right, right. Well, you know, Ned, the Good Book says a gentle answer turneth away wrath. A gentle answer. That is a jim-dandy idea. Bless you, Reverend.

Sunshine on my shoulders MAkeS me Happy Homer, my hat goes off to you. It's cool in here, boy. For the rest of the summer, we can live inside the refrigerator.

Bill defeated. I've said it before and I'll say it again, democracy simply doesn't work. Now over the years, a newsman learns a number of things... that for one reason or another he just cannot report. It doesn't seem to matter now. So the following people are gay.

Oh, it looks like somebody's "hoggin' Dazs" ice cream. I should write this down. More comin'. Um, I'm looking for something in an after-dinner burrito.

It hurts! It hurts! Owee! Owee! Owee! Ow! Mm-hmm. Young man, this stress fracture...

A koi pond! It's beautiful! Oh, you sweet, wonderful man-child. I finally have a peaceful place to sit and hear my own thoughts. How much money did he piss away on this?

Is no problem. God give you greatest gift. Big head like beach ball made of bone. Gives you perfect balance.

Hello. Dad, what are you doin' here? Lookin' for my teeth. Gimme those! Better wash these off. Oh, the hell with it. Well, Grampa, as long as you're here, we were telling a story that took place...

- I'll get you a couple of mops. - Mops? The cure sounds worse than the disease. At Sunday school, they said the lepers were cured by some bearded dude. jesus? Yeah, that sounds right.

What?! It was a passing fancy. Although, if you threw in a few lawn chairs maybe that tool bench, it might rekindle my interest.

You and me in the circle of death.

Hey, Grampa. Stealing Mom's car? Yeah. It's the only way to win back Zelda. And if I go to prison, I'll get better food and more hugs. Uh, it's actually blue wire to yellow wire.

Then we'll see who's worried about five-day waiting periods. Dad, it's 3:00 a.m.! Can't you mutter in your room? Marge kicked me out. All right. Go ahead. Pushy kids think they can tell me what to do in my house.

Football's Greatest Injuries. Lisa, we're going.

Oh. Oh, there. Oh, Maggie. There.

"BOsom." Wait. Wait, there's more. I think that's terrible. A man opens his heart and you make fun of him. "Neighbors forever--" Oh, no ! "Ned Flanders." What a sap !

Why, you little..! What the..? D'oh!

(ALL GASP) I'm sorry, but the only thing I'm praying for is that you take it easy on our credit cards. (LAUGHING) (BOTH MOANING) Oh, Mr. Thompson, what if your wife finds out? It's modern times. Everyone's doing it.

Homer, Principal Skinner is here. Hello, Principal Skinner. I'd get up, but the boy crippled me.

Yeah. What's the deal? Well, I used to do a lot of tumbling in my act, but I'm phasing it out for more dirty limericks. There once was a man named Enis--

Ned! Okay, here's my Amex. Huh? Huh, huh? Mm-hmm. Homie, I must say, you have the energy of 20 men lately. Twenty-three! Now, today I'm gonna mow the lawn, do my taxes...

This has been such a nice, peaceful dinner. It calls for a celebration. I'm going to make the most international coffee in the house: Montreal Morn.

Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh. How could somebody-- I know! Can... we... skip... church?

They're both losers. Losers! Rip-off! We paid for blood! Let's tear this place apart! Good idea!

There's a reason two people come together and stay together. There's something they give each other that nobody else can give them. If you want Mom back, you just have to remember what you give her that nobody else can. I'll pay you $40 if you think of it for me. - No. - Okay. 30. Good luck, Dad.

Aw, poor Bart. I know just how you feel. Isolated, alone, cut off from everyone. Are you kidding? This little baby has made me more popular than ever. Hey, Bubble Bart! Lookin' good.

As a bodyguard, your only loyalty is to your protectee. Not to your family. Not to your country. Not to "Moo-hammad." Even during Ramadan? Shut your Sass-hole, boy. These melons represent your protectees. Throughout this course, you will protect your personal melon as if it was paying your salary.

Oh, it's gonna take a miracle for me to become a good quarterback. Excuse me, son. Wow! joe Namath. That's right. My car broke down in front of your house.

Bart, I'm impressed with what you did in there. You testified for the Quimby boy, even though it was putting your own head in a noose. On the other hand, you skipped school. I guess the two things cancel each other out, huh.

(LAUGHS MISCHIEVOUSLY) BARNEY: I guess you're just too smart for me, Bart. What? Ha-ha!

What is this place? Branson, Missouri. My dad says it's like Vegas if it were run by Ned Flanders. Andy Williams! We don't need to stop here. Yes, we do!

This is launch master Homer counting down. Five, four, three--

ANNOUNCER: Not affiliated with American Idol. We've never even heard of American Idol. The winner will be animated into an Itchy & Scratchy cartoon. So, enter today, especially if you're a funny-looking kid who doesn't know he sucks! I'm a comin', Krusty!

Our last bachelor likes women who take their clothes off for money. Let's hear it for Moe! Why do we have to stand here? This is so humiliatin'. Aren't there any good bachelors in this town?

Who cares what it is? Let's monoxide it! Oh, why are people always trying to kill me? We have to get out of here!

All right, here's the deal.

Hmm? Sir, I represent the estate of Charles Chaplin. I have a court order demanding an immediate halt... to this unauthorized imitation. Boys!

"USA, A-OKay," by Trong Van Dinh.

We're big shot tourists from everyone's favorite country, the USA. We saved your ass in Vietnam and shared our prostitutes with Hugh Grant! So give me some free maps and none of that dry British wit! I wouldn't dream of it, sir. Thank you. Hmm.

Madam, your adoption application is in perfect order, except for one thing. (GULPS) You forgot to fill out the name of your husband. Husband. Of course. The Chinese government only allows wholesome, married couples to adopt. No "hen without cock." I apologize if that is a double entendre in your language. It is not in ours.

Rising! Fading. Fading. Gone. Come, family. Sit in the snow with Daddy, and let us all bask in television's warm, glowing, warming glow.

(HUMMING WEDDING MARCH) (WEDDING MARCH PLAYING)

Maybe they're all reverse-vampires, and they have to get home before dark. Reverse-vampires! Hey, wait a minute. That's Amos Pearson's moose farm. Make a right here.

Buy me some peanuts and Cracker Jacks I don't care... Ow! I can't believe they put us in jail! It's not a jail. It's a reeducation center.

These are Homer's friends and family. They dont want him dead. They just want him to suffer.

Can we, Mom? Can we? Please, please, please? Oh, all right. But take Maggie with you. Mmm. I guess you just can't use the law to nag.

I don't think so. Okay. Here you need a musical montage where you try on lots of funny hats. - It'll let us see your playful side. - No. - Yeah, but-- - just no.

Well, punish him. All right, all right. Bart, go to your room. See you in the funny pages. How could you let this happen? How could you let this happen? I wasn't here. Oh, how convenient. Homer, do you want your son to become chief justice of the Supreme Court... or a sleazy male stripper?

I was in the library at the time. But janie told me that Principal Skinner and Bart's teacher, Mrs. What's-Her-Name? Krabappel? Yeah, Krabappel. They were naked in the closet together. Oh, my goodness! Wait a minute. Bart's teacher is named Krabappel? I've been calling her Crandall.

El Mummeo le pone en el Sleeper Hold. ¿ Donde esta los medicos de Mexico ? Ooh, pro wrestling from Mexico. You know, down there it's a real sport.

There you go. There you go. You too. Honestly, sir, you just don't put the effort into your schemes that you used to.

For me, much, much more. Ya cannot do that, sir! Ya don't have the power! Ladies and gentlemen, I must apologize. This man does not speak for the Council of Alphas. We hold you subomeguloids in the highest regard. When are we gonna get to my broccoli juice program? Quit butting in, please. Your I.Q. is a mere 155, while mine is a muscular 170.

Hmm. Uh, excuse me a minute.

Quitting time. Okay. Scrub up and head for the communal tarp. We're having kelp burgers, and we're going to watch a tape of johnny Arvik. He's the Eskimo comedian. Faster, Mom! Faster!

Mmm. Strawberries. Mmm. Ah, that's good. Hey, Lendl! Choke! Choke! Yeah! Point and game, Becker.

Look. There's the Imperial Gardens.

Hey, Flanders. Hidilly-ho, neighboreeno! Shut up! Okilly-dokilly. So, Ned, you're having a family reunion and you didn't invite me?

Seaman Simpson, your actions have given the Navy... a black eye from which it may never recover. I would throw the book at you, but I've been indicted in the Tailhook scandal. Good-bye. I, too, would punish you, but I'm under indictment for accepting bribes from military contractors.

NO, Bart. No one's making her.

(CAN'T GET YOU OUT OF MY HEAD PLAYING) I just can't get you out of my head Hey, a beer's a beer.

Bart! Let your father tell the story.

This is great! Not only am I not learnin', I'm forgettin' stuff I used to know. And it's all thanks to you, Bart. - Yeah, great. - What's the matter?

It won't happen again, sir. I promise. May I get out of your sight now ? just a second, Simpson.

what with all our modern ideas... and products? All right. We'll give the stupid elephant to the stupid animal refuge. Yea! Uh, Mom, we're stuck to Dad. This is just what happened at the caramel factory.

There's no proof of that. No one's calling it an angel, Lisa. If you look carefully, you'll notice I never once used the word "angel." What about that sign right there? That's a typo.

I feel I should give back to society and do some charitable work... but first I want to take a lot of opium. Uh, if you say so, sir. Uh, excuse me. Do you know where I can buy some, uh- drugs? Drugs? Everything is drugs! Banana made of drugs, monkey made of drugs. Look, all market made of drugs.

The Deer Hunter? Uh, huh-- That reminds me. Didi mah! Didi mah! I'm sorry, guys. We're shuttin' down for a while. Sorry.

You're right. But you know who the real victim is here? Ned. That's what we've been trying to tell you! Oh, yeah. What's this? "Goodbye, Springfield"? NED: "The Flanders family has pulled up stakes.

Hey! Uh-oh. Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! I don't understand it. That was nonalcoholic champagne.

Give it up, Bob. We found the money. Where did that come from? I've never seen that money before in my life. Then you must have had your eyes closed when you embezzled it! I told you, I'm not a criminal anymore. You want to know what I've been up to? Here's a clue for you, jack!

Pleasure doing business with you.

Neddy! Neddy! He's gaining on us!

A weema-way A weema-way A weema-way A weema-way, A weem-- Don't do that. Hmm? Let's see, a sweater, a custom floor mat-- the stereo! Theft alert. Deploy air bag.

Who is that bookworm, Smithers? Homer Simpson, sir. Simpson, eh? How very strange. His job description clearly specifies an illiterate.

Now that my severed foot has been reattached, I must win back the coveted dance title-- Loco Legs.

I'm like that guy, that Spanish guy. - You know, he fought the windmills. - Don Quixote? No, that's not it. What's his name? "The Man of La Mancha." - Don Quixote. - No! I really think that was the character's name-- Don Quixote. Fine. I'll look it up. Well, who was it? Never mind. Mm-hmm.

"It's eight cars long and always carries the same number of passengers in each car. "An hour later, a number of passengers... "equal to half the number of minutes past the hour get off, "but three times as many plus six get on. "At the second stop, half the passengers plus two get off, but twice as many get on as got on at the First stop."

Well, I just might have a little surprise up my sleeve... for old Mr. Lock. Step aside, boy. Hey ! I'm with you, Homer ! Fight the power !

They can suck the bolts out of a submarine's hull.

I mean, elevator. Think unsexy thoughts. Think unsexy thoughts. Think unsexy thoughts.

You want me to spend more time with Dad? What about my New Year's resolution? You can make a lot of money. Yeah! Where are my pants?

Devon Bradley. Character actor, dancer, singer. I'm a triple threat! He's doing Dreamcoat at the dinner theater. I can't believe everyone was in on it. Willie wasn't! Wait a minute. You're telling me the police force, the TV news,

You gonna bribe 'em? I might grease the wheels of justice with some cookies. Oh, can I have some? Not till you finish your sundae. Ohh! Is that enough? Two more bites! I'm sure your macaroons are scrumptious, Marge.

would be a crime.

Yummy, yummy, yummy I got love in my tummy (BURPS) And I feel like a loving you Love, you're such a sweet thing Good enough to eat thing And that's just what I'm gonna do

A plane! Stop! Get me off this stinkin' rock! Anyhoo-- I'm about to share with you a modern-day miracle-- Something that has revitalized cities from East Saint Louis to Biloxi, Mississippi. The magic medicine of...

Mom! Mom! Stop the car! Dad went to take a bath, and the bear carried him off! Yeah. It almost wrecked the whole trip.

Hey, that's not your locker. You know, you are the spitting image of the Aberdeen Strangler.

So, any plans after graduation? Travel. Do you need a traveling companion, perchance? Travel canceled.

Let's hear it for Moe!

But I thought I was the only one. A pain I know all too well. So this is what it feels like when doves cry.

Yeah, I'm telling you Flanders can't coach at all. Now I'm not the type to have a grudge for no reason. Sir, if I could just break in for a moment. Yes, Roy. Do you have a question for Sandy Koufax?

Ahoy-hoy. Greetings, friend. Do you wish to look as happy as me? Well, you've got the power inside you right now. So use it, and send one dollar to Happy Dude! 742 Evergreen Terrace, Springfield.

Gimme! I want more! Mmm! i thought you said it tasted terrible. It does. But it's smooth and mild. And refreshingly addictive. Mmm, mmm! Addictive, eh?

Well, maybe you'd get promoted if you worked a little harder. Are you kidding? I work like a japanese beaver. Oh, really? I came to see you three times today.

Well, Dad, you're mayor of a ghost town. I can't believe those traitors abandoned us. They couldn't take one lousy famine. Dad, you're bleeding! No problem.

Okay, just a little higher. Dad, I'm kind of scared. Good. You're gonna need that adrenaline to make the final jump.

Honey, the door blew shut. Oh. Fine. If that's what you want, you've got it. This scene is gettin' old, man. I'm hittin' the road.

So, working at the D.M.V. must be very interesting. Well, I think I'm getting Repetitive Stress Disorder... from scratching my butt all day. Being a huge movie star must be good too. What are you working on now? I've been reading a lot of scripts lately.

But first, E.T., phone Homer... Simpson, that is.

Marge Simpson? ts Ruth. Ruth Powers. Ruth Powers? My old neighbor?

Homer, with our help, you'll never touch a beer again. So they say I might have a problem. Homie, do you ever drink alone? Does the Lord count as a person? No. Then, yes.

Well, that's because you cut out his tongue. (MUMBLES) He's right, Chief. Inspector Wiggum, you are the most famous member of Scotland Yard. Why would you do this? Well, the fact is I wanted to come up with a case even you couldn't solve. And besides... So long, you stupid British twits! Oh!

Oh, okay. Starla's a temp at KZUG, radio 530. She's gonna help me launch my singing career. My car! Oh, my demo tape!

Look at those looters breaking windows, setting fires! They're living my dream, and you won't let me join them!

And what do you have to show for your lifetime of sloth and ignorance? What? Everything! A dream house, two cars, a beautiful wife, a son who owns a factory, fancy clothes and-- lobsters for dinner. And do you deserve any of it? No!

The principal said "potty."

All right. Better put on a pot of coffee, Marge. This could take a while.

Hey, boyo, what's so funny? Well, it's-- Ah, you wouldn't be interested. It's too lowbrow. No, I'm quite lowbrow. Well, somebody just wrote a bawdy limerick on the men's room wall.

Time to fertilize the lawn.

Check it out. I built myself a healthy apple. But you made it out of ham cubes. Yup. A shiny new apple.

What do you mean you don't have anything to recycle? You must have some magazines or newspapers. That voice. That shrill, disagreeable voice. It's her! Sorry. We're not allowed to read newspapers. They angry up the blood. You! The troublemaking girl. My name is Lisa, Mr. Burns. Lisa Simpson.

All right, rather than tempt fate, I'll move along now. And so we reach the bottom of the barrel-- Nelson Muntz. The cold, hard process of elimination places the "H"... squarely in your locker.

I love you, Son. I love you too, Dad. Get off! Get it off!

Went my heartstrings From the moment i saw him From the moment i saw him i fell

If it wasn't for me, you'd still be queen. You must hate me. Dad, do you remember why you entered me in that pageant? - I don't know. Was I drunk? - Possibly. But the point is, you wanted me to feel better about myself, and I do. Really? Uh-huh. Will you remember this the next time I wreck your life?

Whoa! Hey, hi, fellow Halloweenies. Did I scaredely-dare ya? Dag-- darn it! Nice try, Mr. Flanders, but I've got a story so scary, - you'll wet your pants. - Too late.

(CLANKING) (HOMER LAUGHING)

but I don't like the word "boss." Look at my feet. Okay. You like those moccasins? Look in your closet. There's a pair for you. Don't like 'em? Then neither do I! Get the hell outta here! Ha! - Ever seen a guy say good-bye to a shoe? - Yes, once. Mr. Scorpio, this house is almost too good for us.

Ah. Okay. Freeze there.

Get the Turbo Diary from Glrttech. No one can read your secrets, except you. Unauthorized user! Access denied! Turbo Diary, I love that I bought you. Get your Turbo Diary... from Glrttech. Girltech is a division of Bo ytech.

Oh, my. Gracias, seÑor.

Lisa Simpson! Which means Amber Dempsey is the new Little Miss Springfield!

And if I don't finish it by-- My room!

Ah, kettle chips. The perfect side dish... for revenge. What a special night. And you know something? I've never had such a great audience. Hmm?

Homer, maybe you better take Milhouse home.

I just had a bad dream. Oh, sure. You just lie down and tell me all about it. Well, I know it's absurd, but I dreamed the bogeyman was after me, and he's hiding-- Bogeyman! You nail the windows shut. I'll get the gun. Bart, I don't want to alarm you,

All right, I'll tell you a secret. My bagels are nothing but week-old doughnuts. Oh, who am I to point the finger? I once ran over a guy in a parking lot, and dumped the body on a golf course. What a bombshell!

Bart, put that down! Guns are very dangerous, and I won't have them in this house. How can you have a house without a gun? What if a bear came through the door? I'm going to bury it in the yard where little hands can't get to it. You should have fired into the air. She would have run off.

Well, well, if it isn't Mr. Plow.

And we have a little saying around here-- "Let Michigan handle it." Stop that! If you want some food, I'll be happy to make you some breakfast.

Ooh, I've never been to an underground club. Don't you think your hair is a bit much? Hey, Mrs. Simpson,

No, I'd like a bottle of Henry K. Duff's Private Reserve. Are you sure? 'Cause once I open the bottle, there's no refund. For your information I just made a cool $25 playing the market. Buy low, sell high-- that's my motto.

Mr. Simpson, don't you worry. I watched Matlock in a bar last night. The sound wasn't on, but I think I got the gist of it.

Glove slap Baby, glove slap Ooh, glove Baby, that's where it's at Yeah Glove, baby Give it a slap

Yeehaw! Well, most of us. Dad, did you see anything provocative in today's paper? Yes, there's a real think piece here about a bra sale.

- No, I work at the nuclear power plant. - Oh, Homer. Well, you'll be happy to know I don't work very hard. Actually, I'm bringing the plant down from the inside. When Homer sold his soul for a doughnut, he found out that hell isn't all it's cracked up to be...

Come to the light, boy. Come into the light. Come on now. There's a good boy. Come on. Come on.

Okay, nobody move and nobody panic. When I give the word, everyone, ever so slowly, open your door and slide out. On the count of three. One--

Yes, I have. You have? I gave him a couple of blintzes to paint my fence, but he never did it! Those blintzes were terrible. Paint my fence! Make me. You give me back those blintzes then! Order! Order! We don't care about your blintzes. Now, Mr. Lampwick, when Roger Myers stole your character--

The boot kicked Bart! It kicked him right in the butt! I think Bart and Lisa are feeling a little upset right now. Isn't there something you'd like to say? There sure is. Kids, you tried your best, and you failed miserably.

People, let us not turn into an angry mob.

Lisa. Um... At the end of your song, remember to look into the spotlight. It makes your eyes twinkle. Aw. Thanks, Dad. You're welcome.

Agreed. No, wait!

What if I undo this button? Good night, Homer.

Oh, glory of glories! Oh, heavenly testament to the eternal majesty of God's creation! Holy macaroni!

Kids, Homer, we're late for church! I'm glad I dressed last night. Oh, I'd love to go with you, honey, but I got a lot of work to do around the bed. Homer, the Lord only asks for an hour a week. In that case, he should've made the week an hour longer. Lousy God.

That last one looked kind of good. Marge, TV and nightmares have joined forces to teach me a lesson. From now on, I will stop being selfish and start being good. In fact, I'll be the nicest man in town. You've made that promise before. Yes. But this time I'm sober-ish.

The lowly Falcons are flying high. Who would have thunk it? My daughter, that's who. Yeah, me.

Your earlobe's bleeding. Oh. So, I guess major muffins like yourselves all have dates, huh? You'd better believe it. Really? All of you? Uh, we all have dates, Lisa. Everyone does. Even me.

Well, I think I know tomorrow's headline:

Well, I guess that's it. Come Christmas Eve, there'll be a Funzo under every tree. Unless-- So who am I beating up? Nobody. You're just gonna break into everyone's house and steal their favorite toy. Thus saving Christmas.

Making it the iatest Segwa. y scooter accident. . . to ciaim over f, 000 lives. Not feeling welll Going to bed! Dinner and breakfast are on the table! - Did you label the meals so I can tell which is which? - Yes! Locally, two schoolchildren offended veterans, educators and fiag hags. ..

Taft, you old dog.

All students please proceed immediately to an assembly... in the Butthead Memorial Auditorium. Damn it, I wish we hadn't let the students name that one. Children, the times they are a-becoming quite different.

Now, Marge, you've come to the right place.

Hi, honey. Where's that vicious dog? I made him a biscuit.

What was his name? Apollo Creed? Please, let's just go to sleep. No. I refuse to share a bed with someone who thinks I'm crazy. Unless you're feeling amorous. No, I'm not. Well, then, good night. Hey, Dad. What's the word from planet Crackpot?

You nail the windows shut. I'll get the gun. Bart, I don't want to alarm you, but there may be a bogeyman or bogeymen in the house.

Horribly delicious. You know, she's only fattening you up so she can eat you. Eh. What are you gonna do? Well, at least stop basting yourself. Mmm.

Here for the tests.

Why don't you get this nice cap? It's clever, just like you. Hmm? Hmm? Come along. Get out. Get out! Shoo! Shoo! Get outta here! These bloody things are everywhere. They're in the lift, in the lorry, in the bond wizard, and all over the malonga gilderchuck.

(DINGS) I have to research a paper. Where did all the books go?

Bye-bye, keys. Hear that, Bart? You're going to have a little brother or sister to play with.

Anybody got a building permit? 'Cause we nailed it. Way to blow, Lise. That is the best version of "Living in America" I've ever heard. Third best for me. Well, unless there's another band, I think we have a winner. Oh, wait. There is another band.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. "Dear Mr. Meyers, my brother and I watch your show. You should be proud that children everywhere--" Blah-blah-blah, bling-bling-bling-blah.

Arr. Arr. Wow. And I thought he had it all. I've had The halftime of my life And I owe it all to S.U.

This isn't over! I'll fight you with every lunch half-hour I get! Oh! Speaking of which... (HUMMING) It's gonna be tough to be peppy today. Tell me about it.

There! Is everybody happy now? I take it from your yelling that you like my tofu dogs. Tofu?

Your child's behavior appalls me not just as a principal, but as a veteran of America's only losing war. To date! I swear, Bart didn't know what he was doing. He was deaf.

Silly. Let's not listen. Actually, it's just ordinary salad dressing. So that's where that went. The pungent vinegar and tangy Roquefort... block the smell receptors, rendering the bully harmless. Congratulations, Lisa. You are truly the standout of this year's Big Science Thing.

Can't they get a pole for that sign? That's a hitchhiker, Homer. Ooh, let's pick him up. No. What if he's crazy? And what if he's not? Then we'd look like idiots. We're not picking him up. Oh, yes, we are. There's not enough room. Yes, there is. I just don't think it's a good idea. And I think it's the best idea I've ever had.

We'll talk tomorrow. You just lost yourself a customer! Yeah, you can use it. When the weight of the world has got you down

Too crazy for Boys Town, too much of a boy for Crazy Town.

Dear God! Warren, we've talked about you hogging the eyepiece.

And here we have the world-famous Beatles, exactly as they looked... performing on The Ed Sullivan show. Ohh. I hardly think it's fair to be charged full price. I'm up to my knees in the original cast of mash.

Want a smoke? Uh... I'll smoke it in class. Whoa! Whoa! Bart, you're doing a bang-up Job. There were some corridors in this school you'd never go down.

Hello, Marge. You left your damn porch light on. Barney ! Homer's not made of money, you know. Who is this ? Don't listen to him, Marge. He's-- - Oh, it's you. - Oh. Homer, you're overwrought. Why don't you unwind a bit ?

Oh. Now what am I gonna get Lisa? Sir, I can offer you this Tickle Me Krusty... the most popular toy of 1999. I'm anatomically correct. Go ahead. Take a peek. I wonder what Mommy's medicine tastes like.

Somebody down there? Uh-oh. Let's get outta here.

All in favor, say "Die." Ooh. That digital sound really lets you hear the blood splatter. I don't get it, Mel. How can you be so calm and cool? My stomach's full of vomiting butterflies. Okay, that's it. Let's get ready to meet our public.

Pizza ! Why are we all dressed up ?

You heard her. She said no. Legs, Louie. Advance on them.

Why don't you pound that sign into your own lawn? Eh, I'm still undecided. I vow to reach out to the Latino community. Voy a vomitar en la tumba de tu madre. ¡Ayayay! What'd I say? What'd I say?

I'm an anonymous whistle blower.

You'll always be number one to me. Hello! Firstborn within earshot. I meant my number one girl. Oh, for crying--

Whoo! This flower saved our lives. Oh, no. It's eating us. Not a chance.

"Do not feed animals. "Do not allow animals in the car. Do not make eye contact with animals." Are we in Africa yet ? Hey, didn't anybody notice this place sucks ? It seems that most of the animals are sleeping. Well, let 'em sleep on their own time !

I swear I don't know where the bombs are. Only the miners know that! Maybe this will loosen your tongue. No! Uh, Bart? Don't turn on that light!

Kids, there's three ways to do things-- the right way, the wrong way and the Max Power way. Isn't that the wrong way? Yeah, but faster! D'oh! We should really put that in the corner.

Welcome to Coming Attractions.

Uh, well, that could be any mayor. I rest my case. Er, uh, well, eh, in light of these new facts, of which I now realize I was largely aware, I must take action.

Mrs. Crabapple, that was uncalled for. Bravo! Well done, old man.

Gotta find a way to change Marge back... and replace the M&M's I took from the minibar. Hey, Homer! Flanders? Oh, a perfect vacation ruined. Hate to be a needy Neddie, but could you do me a favor? Mmm. Milk mel Uh, I really dont want to do that, Ned.

Homer, I want you to have my lucky mitts. I hope you do better with 'em than I did. Gee, thanks, Moe. What's this? Ah, that's the barbed wire. We, uh-- We called that "the stinger." They don't let you use that no more.

Look at me! I've betrayed my Indian heritage, sir! What would my parents think of me now? Make us proud, Son. Never forget who you are. Don't make the same mistake I did.

But I think I'm allergic to seafood.

Bart did it. And they're gonna try for a field goal. A field goal? Hmm, 19, 20, 21-- That would win the game.

Lima, Peru! Gotham City! Wiggumville! Burger King!

I didn't do it. Great material. We'll be right back. Sit perfectly still. Only I may dance.

Absolutely, yes. No, say it! We need a sound bite. We have a "love eight" relationship. Yes, Kent Brockman, Channel 6. How would you respond to people who say this kind of multiple birth... is more suited to, say, a possum than a human being?

my family and I, um, feel that taxes are too high. Where do you stand on this highly controversial issue ? Goodness. I didn't realize this casual dinner... was going to turn into charged political debate. I was only reading what the card-- Homer, I agree with you. And if I'm elected governor, I will lower taxes...

into America's already-bloated snack hole. So I did what I could. I did what any loving husband would do-- I reached out to some violent mobsters. Oh, Homer. I know you were trying to shield me from failure. But this is my business. And the Mafia's not getting one cent of my money!

I sentence you to death in the electric chair. But we're innocent! It was the man with the braces. Can't you do anything? Surprise witnesses? Evidence tampering? Play the race card. Play it!

Why does he keep failing ? just a little dim, I guess.

Milhouse! Uh, hi, Bart. Faithful Milhouse. You'll spend the long, hot days by my side, won't you?

The important thing is veterans deserve a day... - to honor them. - They have two. Well, maybe they should have three. I'm Bart Simpson.

I wanna be alone with my thought. Fans are getting a bit anxious here.

But an ironed shirt? Damn, that's tempting! What about you, Homer? Well--

They had to come up with some friends. There's Disgruntled Goat, Uncle Ant, Klu Klux Klam. Oh, yeah. They weren't very funny. I don't know. Disgruntled Goat had his moments. Hah!

Who will treat my whooping cough? (HACKING) Search me. Come back when you want a giant rack. (CROWD CLAPPING) (HACKING) Okay, Lou. The minute Pie Man shows up, we spring our trap.

Terrific stuff. You must really love the Broadway musical Cats. God, no. It sucks. Seems like you're quite the animal lover. Do you have any other pets? A dog perhaps? Kent, let me make this perfectly clear. I have no dog. Strong words.

Now I'm told we have the leader of the babies on the line. Tyler, is there a peaceful solution possible? (TYLER COOING) (BEEPING) (GASPING) All right, that's it. Show's over! Five, six, so long, hicks!

Deploy, damn you! Deploy! It hurts! It hurts!

When you go to the polls tomorrow, please vote no on Proposition 24. No on 24. No on 24. No on 24. No on 24. No on 24.

That won't even cover the gas I used to go to the store to buy the twine to tie up the bundles. It sounds like you're working for your car. - Simplify, man. - Oh--

Human contact: the final frontier. Out of the way, Tubby! Well, pardon me, Oldie Hawn. Why, you ill-mannered sack of crap! Oh, goody. Now I know whatever happened to Baby Jane.

you are guaranteed a perfect life of serenity, love and loving serenity. Not a guarantee. Loving serenity. It's about damn time! I love the Leader. The Leader is perfect. Wait. I'm confused about the movie. So the cops knew that Internal Affairs was setting them up?

Ew! Gross! I bet you can't twist it.

Oh, no. You poor thing. Here. Ow! Son of a-- Hey, leave my daughter alone! Come on, humans! We've wiped out entire species before! We can do it again!

He was so young.

I don't know what to say. just tell me what you know I want to hear. I'm dying of jealousy. Thank you. That's right, dear. Enjoy your rest. The wedding was very tough on you...

What do you know. He's wearing pants.

Okay, let's hear it. Well, I was thinking of something like-- "I'm a big fat idiot!" Wow! I think we have our Angry Dad. Whoo-hoo! When do I get paid? - In 2012. - D'oh! Now we just add color.

We'll never sell these. Birds won't even use them in their nests. Okay! So I made one bad decision! It's my fault for leaving you in charge. Sometimes I forget how young you are. I'm only three months younger than you.

Lisa, if you ever wanna quit and come home, I'll be here in half a jiff. I wanna quit and come home. I wanna quit and come home. Oh, honey, I heard you the first time.

Great debut, Son. You really settled in after some early jitters. Are you kidding? I reeked. Oh, really? Do reeky players get the game ball? Hey, everybody, let's hear it for Bart!

For all their disposable income, for all their leisure time, they had no immunity against God's lowliest creatures, children. Looks like everything's back the way it was which is the only way it should ever be. Great. Let's dump these kids in an R-rated movie while we go someplace nice.

Uh, they don't have them group toilets here no more, do they?

Oh, look who's here. The family with one baby. How do you manage? Marge, they've turned into jerks. I'm very sorry. We've been rude. Can I offer you something to drink? No, thanks.

Now why didn't I think of that?

(GROANING) Oh, man, I sure wish I had a ten-speed bike. A ten-speed bike? What did your mother say? She said, "Yes." MARGE: I said no! I'm confused. Which is it? MARGE: It's no! His old bike is fine.

See, Cousin Merl and me was playing fetch with Geech. That's our old smellhound and-- Geech gone to heaven, Mr. Terwilliger. Oh, Cousin Merl, really! Temper, temper. You know Cousin Merl ain't been quite right lately. I'm telling you, Cecil, I can't take much more of this!

I just wanted to destroy your talent and your joy.

Oh. Anything else ? Yes. I ate two grapes. Please charge me for them. Oh, two grapes ? Who cares ? just charge me something, please. Yeah, okay, all right. I need a price check on two grapes.

A soy-based snack will calm me down. Agh! Him again!

Unless they have a blow torch or a poison gas injector Then I don't know what'll happen when they come Okay, home invaders, we don't want to hurt you. We just want to talk. If you just want to talk, why don't we talk about Eddie sleeping with my ex-wife? I thought the divorce was final.

Get back in there! Get back in there! How can you even think of releasing Sideshow Bob? He's just faking it to get out of jail! He's a maniac! Bob is no maniac. He explained his reasons for trying to kill us all. And I assure you, they were perfectly sane. Oh, you gotta be kidding!

Dad, don't let these application essays throw you. Let's see: "List your three favorite books and how they've influenced your life." - Is TV Guide a book? Son of Sniglet? - No. No. - Katherine Hepburn's Me? - No! Ohh! I suck!

Happy New Year! It must be wonderful to ring in the New Year... over and over and over. Please kill me.

One groom-- Two grooms?

¡Ay, caramba! Hidilly-ho! Ha-ha! Excellent. If anyone wants me, I'll be in my room.

I don't think Dad is accurately portraying Native American life. Yeah. Indians don't sit around drinking beer and watching TV.

Ooh. I am Homer Simpson-- Silence, sinner! Prepare for an eternity of horrible pain! Oh, no! Oh! Ha-ha!

Huh? Look at Burns's suit! Yeesh!

No, sirree, Bob.

You! Look what you've done. My starting pitcher thinks he's a chicken. I'm going to report this to the American Hypnotical Association. But I did a good job... a good job. I guess it's not your fault. You did a good job.

This is indeed a disturbing universe. Don't touch anything? I'll touch whatever I feel like!

just to throw the fear of God into them? Very well. Eeny, meeny, miny-- Blugh! Him! Attention, Homer Simpson. Attention, Homer Simpson. Wake up, Homer. What? Huh? What? You're fired. For what? For sleeping on the job.

just as soon as I finish what I'm doing here.

We have a person-to-person call for Marge Simpson. Person-to-person! Hello. This is Chad Sexington, the model for Burly Paper Towels.

Oh, that's it. I give up. You have reached the office of Homer Simpson. If you are calling about the water bed, please leave a detailed message. If you need-- Get back to work!

What the darn? Marge, you'll never guess what. My whole class is here. They're going to observe the human peep show... that is our lives. Apparently, that disturbing odor was the food.

Can I? For true? For true, Son.

It has a starfish on the fanny, and it comes with its own pail. Mom, come here! Bring money! So, where do you want to show off your new, hip togs? The Sherbet Shop, the Candle District?

And we've really elevated the level of discourse at the dog track. We replaced the fanfare with classical music. And instead of chasing a rabbit, the dogs chase a diploma. The world has already taken note of our accomplishments.

Whoo-hoo! All right, Homeboy! Yeah!

Can we borrow this, Grampa? Sure. She still works. That's my brass knee. Steel hip. That one's news to me. When you think about it, mud is nothing but wet dirt. I hope that farmhouse has a phone. Oh!

and by gum, it put them on the map! Well, sir, there's nothing on earth like a genuine, bona fide, electrified, six-car monorail. - What'd I say? - Monorail! What's it called? Monorail! That's right, monorail! Monorail. Monorail. Monorail. I hear those things are awfully loud.

Beat it, Simpson. Man, I thought you were cool. Aha !

Forget you, pal. Thanks for nothing. So I say, "Forget you, pal ! Thanks for nothing !" - And I storm right outta there. - That's tellin' 'im, Homer. Doh ! Out of tartar sauce. They call this a portion ?

Lousy house plant!

You should go on a diet. Why, you little... (CHOKING) (DOORBELL RINGING) Save my place. Why you little... (CHOKING)

We'll meet you boys back here for dinner. Good luck, honey. Mmm! I'm sorry I'm gonna miss your public humiliation,

This is Agent Johnson from the F.B.I. Be on the lookout for a 1936 maroon Stutz Bearcat.

Oh, sorry. Wrong button.

Hello. Welcome to the United Kingdom. Prime Minister Tony Blair? Why are you greeting lowlifes like us at the airport? Because I want to encourage all the world to come see the beauty of 21st century Britain.

Beat me, and you will be beating one of your own. Whatever. So this stuff really works? Certainly does.

Mmm. My God! A pigeon! That's the last bird on my list. So long, suckers. Excuse me. Can you tell us what kind of birds these are? They hatched from eggs I found in a nest.

Whoo-hoo! l rule this pseudo sport!

What, the family? Uh, son, we're here to help with your, uh... Which addictadiddilydiction are we going after here? Overeating. And if there's time, we'll get to my drinking. But there won't be time. I'm telling you, Bart. One vice leads to another. And then you'll wind up like me. So jaded the only thing that gets you off

What do aliens have to do with Halloween? Silence!

Homer Simpson! You stand accused... of eating half the population of the Planet of the Doughnuts. Yeah! As Homer's defense attorney, I feel we should be merci--

And you were wrong, wrong, wrong! Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to my room! That's it! Go to your room! Marge, since I'm not talking to Lisa, would you please ask her to pass me the syrup? Please pass your father the syrup, Lisa.

I'll just hang out next to the girls' juvie. Hello, ladies. I'm Gina. You touch my fence again, and your puberty's gonna be very boring. (GRUNTS)

one more time today, I think I'm going to scream. Objection. Sustained. Roger Myers didn't create any of his characters. He stole them all. Stole them all? That could turn this whole case around. The only characters Myers could ever come up with were pathetic stick figures... with the words "Sarcastic Horse" and "Manic Mailman" printed on 'em.

Very original. Simon Cowell as Simon Cowell. Well done.

Okay. Now, the symptoms you describe point to "bonus eruptus." It's a terrible disorder where the skeleton tries to leap out the mouth and escape the body. Now you're talkin'. Our one chance is "transdental electromicide."

Mom, you made it !

Oh, my land! ooh! A luxury car. Good baby. Good Maggie. Ohh, a new pacifier. D'oh! No more fooling around. Paw, this is Bart. I wish for Simpsons to be rich and famous.

Good night. Thanks for coming. We'll see you. Bye-bye.

Help me, Radioactive Man. Watch out, Radioactive Man! Totally awesome. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. It's all in the delivery. "Now is the winter of our discontent"-- Oh, no! Run!

Skinner, why are there children walking on my head? So, we meet again, Mad magazine. How do you know it's from Mad? The year was 1968. We were on recon in a steaming Mekong delta.

Hey, it's him! It's Santa's Little Helper!

doesn't mean you have to pretend to be my friend. Oh, come on. I'll roll the dice for you. Three, four, five, chance. Pick up a card. Sheesh. (LISA READING) What? Really?

Come on, Homer. I just want a quick look-see. Pay you a buck. A buck, eh? That gives me an idea. Fifty cents, please.

Is there anything else we should know? There's the truth, and the truth! No! No! If you don't sell a house, you're fired, fired, fired. Well, Marge?

Homer, where's the dog? I tied him up out back.

Oh, my ! If you'll excuse me, I'm changing for a board meeting ! I-i'm so sorry, Mr. Burns.

Hey, here come the Simpsons. Now be careful, Homer. There's a fella in the sand right in front of you. Okay, remember where we parked. Homer, is that my muffler?

McBain to base. Under attack by Commie Nazis.

So long! Bye-bye! Bye-bye now. Bye! See ya! Bye! Bye-bye! Ha-ha! I'm gonna miss Springfield. This town's been awfully good to us. - No, it hasn't, Dad. That's why we're leaving. - Oh, yeah. So long, Stinktown!

Hey, hurry it up with the cards, Lenny. I've got you clocked at two miles per hour. Come on, put that away. Those radar guns give you cancer. All the more reason to hurry up. Hey, what could be going 100 miles per-- Illegal gambling in my house? Your house? Your house? Gee!

This guy is the chief. He's been here since 1968. Never says a word. Hey, Chief. Hello. It's about time somebody reach out to me.

You work a job you dont like... so I'm able to be home with the kids. And you take me places you hate... like museums, plays and the Olive Garden. And even though you knew I ratted you out to the IRS, you never busted me on it. You what?

Okay, but you promised me Moe money. I Moe, I Moe.

How did you know I was sleeping? We've been watching you on the surveillance camera. Camera? D'oh!

Well, I'd like to thank you both for cooperating with-- Did you do it? Chief Wiggum, Homer and I are innocent. I'm sorry, Marge. I-- I can't believe I tried to trick you with such an under-- Did you do it? No!

Hmm? What have we become? We've given the word "mob" a bad name.

I guess guns really are the answer. Hear me, people of Springfield! I come from yet another distant future... where gun violence has destroyed the very earth itself! What is this, open mike night?

No. The March primary. Mom, can we get a pretzel? We've got pretzels at home. Not cinnamon.

I'll be bringin' sparkplugs to chuck at people I don't like, like you! But I'm up $200,000. Give me my money! Think I won't manhandle a little boy? You don't understand. It's not real money. None of these people have won any money.

It's all gone. Everything... gone-diddilly-on. Maude? Rod? Todd? I'm right here, Daddy. Oh, Neddy, it was terrifying.

Yes, we call that the Dennis Miller ratio. Oh, Dad, I just spent the day with the most wonderful people. Oh, that's great, honey. You tell me everything you can before the commercial's over. For the first time in my life, I feel that someone understand-- Bup, bup, bup, bup.

Look. There it is. Oh, Homie. Homie, I'm so sorry I doubted you. I bring you love.

Lisa, quick! Screw these back on. Mom, calm down. The party's not for another three hours. Oh, good. That will give me time to add another coat of glaze to the ham.

Bart, I need a miracle. Sorry, Dad. I can't just magically cure a broken leg. Ahh! Please, Bart. You've gotta use your powers. I'm beggin' ya.

Hurry, Homer! Ooh, that is gonna hurt tomorrow.

What do you mean, the bank is out of money? Insolvent? You only have enough cash for the next three customers?

What do you want? I came to see the kids. Wait here... and don't steal any light bulbs. Hmm... - Dad! - Dad!

But I do have something for the mayor that perhaps you could deliver. Mayor, Fat Tony asked me to give you this. You moron! That's the kiss of death. Oh, no! Wait. Maybe I didn't do it right. Never mind that. just go patrol the perimeter.

Yes, you are. No, I'm not. Yes, you are. - I'm not. I'm not. Am not ! - I stand corrected. - Mimosa ? - I'm a married women. Don't call me that. No, no, no, no, no. Mimosa is the name of the drink. It's orange juice and champagne.

Look at that beautiful garbage. Other cities don't want it, so they pay me to dump it... in this old abandoned mine.

To remind me of better times. Why would I want a picture of a pitiful pencil-neck geek? Why indeed.

Well, scientists have discovered that even monkeys can memorize 10 numbers. Are you stupider than a monkey? How big of a monkey? Of course you're not.

Now, the naturalist who took these absolutely extraordinary pictures...

ti-tin-toodily, rin-tin-tennial day! You su-diddly-uck, Flanders! Give me that. Hear ye! Hear ye! Ye old town crier proclaimed crappy by all.

Yee-haw! Wah! Ha, ha! Now that everyone's so open about being fat, I can finally stop sucking in my gut.

"Eleazar begat Phinehas, Phinehas begat Abishua and Abishua--" "...begat Ahimaaz, Ahimaaz begat--" "And Amiriah onward, Amiriah begats Ahitub, Ahitub be--" "Shallum begat Hilkiah." "And he shall turn the heart of the fathers to the children, "and the heart of the children to their fathers,

Cant I water-ski a little bit? Fine. Homer, I'll go over the year-end profit forecast... - if youll stop looking at my boobs. - No deal. I got a gold star at school today...

My treat. All right, Homer. Whoa, you really are a sport, Dad, takin' us out to a fine restaurant like Krusty Burger. What are you getting at ? I need a hundred dollars for a comic book. A hundred bucks for a comic book ? Who drew it, "Micha-ma-langelo" ? Oh, please, Dad. I want this more than anything in the world. Well, T.S.

Hello, Springfield. Sorry to divert your attention from all the big noises and shiny things. But something's been troubling me lately-- television! Wouldn't our lives be so much richer if television were done away with?

Hey, boxy. - give me that! - Ohh! Two plus two is four. Two plus two is four. Two plus two is four. I can see why this is so popular. Look at him.

like my loafers former gophers it was that or skin my chauffeurs

Bart, quit fooling around and eat your dinner. Yeah, eat it, Bart. Ugh. May I please be excused for a minute ? Okay, but don't dawdle. Your food will get cold.

This is better than a movie... why? Okay, now! Little help? Little help, please. I made a boom-boom. Oh, gross! Not where I pee! Get that out of here!

Well, that-- Uh, well, wait. Uh, do I read from the sheet labeled "jokes" or "answers"? Oh, for the Lo-- Stop tape! Make me center square, Kent. I'm ready. I can handle it. Dream on, drunkie. Oh, that's it! You're goin' down!

hang on each new development like so many Romanian trapeze artists. From his humble beginnings as a street mime in Tupelo, Mississippi, Krusty clowned his way to the top of a personal mini-empire...

D'oh! It would have to be camera day. Wow!

Off the rim! Oh! Almost. Boy, that was close. Hey, what's up for today, Neddy? UH-- Ah, Homer, we're gonna visit the boys' grandmother. Family only, you know? Right. No reporters. No. I-- I-- I mean just the Flanders family.

Oh, it's great to be indoors with my family. I'm really glad you're back, Dad. I knew you could do it. Now don't screw it up.

Yeah, let's blow this pop stand and never look back ! Whatever doesn't kill me can only make me stronger ! It's not that simple. I've gotta convince my supervisor to give me a leave of absence. Sure. What would you like ? Four years ? Five years.

Hop in, boy. We'll show your mother our God kicks her God's butt. Back off, you servants of the Holy See! (GUNS COCKING)

What if I took a bus? A bus? Alone? Absolutely not. It's just too dangerous for an eight-year-old. In a few years when you're old enough to drive, then you can take a bus. But it's the last day of the Isis exhibit! Well, you should've thought of that before I glued all this stuff to my face.

Sure, some folks prefer-- Are you gettin' on this next bus, kid? Yes. Taxi! - V.D. clinic. - Look! It's the bus! The bus! Come on! You're gonna miss the bus!

The cash register says, "N.R.A.4ever."

That horse better win, or we're taking a trip to the glue factory. And he won't get to come. Yeah, that's a great tour. - But you can't see it all in one day. - Hey, be quiet.

It's america's funniest tornadoes. Ooh! And at 9:30, All in the Family 1999. Oh, geez there. They got me livin' with an African-American, a Semite-American and a woman-American there!

Well, maybe if Mom didn't make such dry waffles. There, I said it. Well, maybe if you ate some meat, you'd have a natural lubricant. You lost all our money? Point of order. I didn't lose all the money. There was enough left for this cowbell. Damn you, eBay!

Oh, God, oh, God, oh, God, oh, God! Oh, God, oh, God, oh, God, oh, God!

Wow. Kent Brockman. Good luck, kids. Where the hell's my grilled cheese?

They had a magnum at the shoe counter. Now for-- Gloria? Her ring. Well, she's run off-- with Simpson.

Get out of there, you kids! Oh, come on, Mr. Frampton. You're not gonna eat all that watermelon. Please! I'm trying to perform.

Down with homework! Skinner, why are there children walking on my head?

Hi, Lisa. Are you all right? No doubt. Can't a girl fabulize herself before the big dance? Your earlobe's bleeding. Oh. So, I guess major muffins like yourselves all have dates, huh?

I know. But the Lord will forgive me if it helps you get a second chance. Actually, Marge, it's the third if you count that farm couple. Farm couple? But I got a good feelin' about this one, Marge. I really do.

All right. Okay. Everybody out! Ooh, she's gotta have it. Get out! Get out! Get out! Get out! Get out-Out-Out-Out-Out-out-out! All right, we're breaking early tonight, class. For tomorrow, you should read pages seven through 18 in Lisa's diary. You too. - Get out! - But I'm not in the cla--

You know, Fox turned into a hard-core sex channel so gradually, I didn't even notice. Yeesh! Marge, it's so great to have the whole family together under one roof. I never realized how much I missed it. Listen to the murmurs in the next room.

Well, I've finished the thank you's. Time to go back to the novel.

Uh-oh! The cops!

Uh-oh. It's seeping in. Stupid, cheap weather stripping!

- If I ever stop loving violence, I want you to shoot me. - Will do. Tonight: A stowaway bear is terrorizing space shuttle astronauts.

Now, take that kid away. No! You're not gonna take my baby to jail! (STRUGGLING) All right, boys. She's not letting go.

Net profit to me, negative $59. Oh, oh, please take my $59. I don't want it. It's yours. Eh, eh, eh! Seeing as we are unfamiliar with sarcasm, I shall close the register at this point and state that 99 cents is the rental price. Oh, then may I please rent it, please?

I've assumed the form of someone you would recognize and revere-- Sir Isaac Newton. Sir Isa-who? Oh, very well. Colonel Klink! Did you ever get my letters? I'm not actually Colonel Klink. I'm just assuming his form. Did you know Hogan had tunnels all over your camp?

Slave girl? Oh, slave girl. More libations, my imperial conquerors? What?

What have they done to your beautiful face?

That's not a knife. That's a spoon. All right, all right, you win. I see you've played "Knifey Spoony" before. Hey, give me one of those famous giant beers I've heard so much about. Somethin' wrong, Yank? No. It's pretty big, I guess. I'll just have a cup of coffee.

Hey, hey! I've been in Reno for six weeks. Did I miss anything? What the-- Oh!

they tend to use lowbrow expressions like, "Oh, yeah?" and "C'mere a minute." Oh, yeah? They think they're better than us, huh? Bart, c'mere a minute! You c'mere a minute! Oh, yeah?

You lousy cops. Lucky for you I'm double-parked or I'd--

Welcome, futurists, cyberphiles and the rest of you dateless wonders. And now to push this convention into hyperspace, the man who put the "star" in Star Wars, a real burr under Darth Vader's saddle, Luke Skywalker himself, Mark Hamill!

Shoo, nerds! Shoo! Well, this muscle shirt's a pretty good find. Dad, that's a sports bra. All I know is I'm finally getting the support I need. Look, Dad! Barber hair! Ooh, Italian.

Mallomars. Oh, that's going in the act. Oh, yeah, the clown. The only one of you buffoons who doesn't make me laugh.

Oh, really! Why did you think you could lie to me? It's my first day. Well, why didn't you sa-- Oh, whoo! You're fired!

Hey, look! It's Elton john! We had to make an emergency landing. It's that damn chandelier again.

and finally, these seem to be printed on some sort of cracker. Stop eating our tickets!

All right, mates. Let 'em have it! Hey, do we get to land on an aircraft carrier? No, sir. The closest vessel is the U.S.S. Walter Mondale. It's a laundry ship. They'll take you the rest of the way. Uh-oh.

I think you and I might just win this tournament dealie. Hey, Bart. Yeah! You got your daddy's hustle. Too busy to reply, huh? I know how that goes. Well, I think I'll go lay out my clothes for the tournament.

Yes, it seems the chief pulled a Homer Simpson of his own. Whoa! Huh? A pretzel? Wow! Looks like I pulled a Homer.

Oh, I've got too much to do to take a nap right now. Lisa, get Maggie out of that cage. And, Homer, since you're dressed for it, I got some S&M for ya-- scrubbing and mopping. Thank you.

Well then, find a new identity. Hmm. Your mother's right, honey. Katie Couric didn't just become the world's most famous dwarf. She escaped from the circus and went for it!

Oh. You think they settled that bag boy strike yet? Oh, no. We're headed for Victoria Falls. Here's why they shouldn't get anything. One--

Schindler es bueno. SeÑor Burns es el diablo. Listen, Spielbergo, Schindler and I are like peas in a pod. We're both factory owners. We both made shells for the Nazis. But mine worked, damn it! Now, go out there and win me that festival!

All right, Helen. If I'm not wanted, I'll leave. You'll get your pancakes in the mail. And then they gave me back my $500 investment... and kicked me out of the club. Wait, wait, wait. Back up a bit now. When are the pancakes coming in the mail? Well, maybe it's all for the best.

Oh, I see Bart gets to have a gun.

Oh, Lord, what should I do? Keep Gaming. What?

Homer, where's the dog? I tied him up out back. We've left it all behind.

Hey, I'm back. Nice seeing you. Hey! Oh! Hey, hey, Homer! Ahmmffluhff... Inside. Okay. Thanks for coming.

It's very good. Hyuk, hyuk, hyuk. Well, we're still on. 346 consecutive hours, and all because of one little boy who-- who won't let me stop! Anyway, now let's go over and see if Sideshow Mel...

How's it goin', Bart ? Terrible. Cars slow down to laugh, but no one's buying. Maybe you need to play on their sympathies more. Let's see. Ha-ha. Now you look pathetic. Ha-ha !

Homer ? Oh, yeah. My Christmas bonus. How silly of me.

"Dont whack." Thank you, Fat Tony. Thank you.

Where the devil are my ringers? Mike Scioscia may not live through the night. Steve Sax is looking at six life sentences. Ozzie Smith seems to have vanished off the face of the earth. Cool!

Even rarer. Whew! That was one long helicopter ride.

I do not miss Bart at all. I am glad he's gone. As am I. B'oh! It's probably my imagination,

Help me! You'll also see the world's smelliest tumor! Ew! These records used to be real accomplishments. Now they're just gross. Plus, you'll meet a dog who can't predict anything. Then three other things. When we come back, we'll show you the contents...

How about a ghost story? And that is how much college will cost for Maggie. No! No! No!

This town is full of deadbeats. We can't afford this elephant. No, Dad, he's my friend. Sorry, Bart. I'm gonna have to sell him.

I hope you kept the Homie fires burning.

Marge, we'll just get this cast off and you can go home to-- Oh, my Lord! Well, it has been a week. Code blue! A thousand c.c.'s of leg wax! Stat! Lazy, no-good lepers. Making me clean everything myself.

You have three hours to-- Finished! Then put your head down on your desk and sit quietly. Ahh. A duet of pleasures.

- Hmm? - Nothing. Ow! Help me! Ow! Why isn't anybody-- Ow! helping? Hi. Is Milhouse home? He's playing in the dirt with his army men. Oh, and a white piece of paper, I believe.

Wow! jiffy Lube! Boy, you're really running yourself ragged. Oh, yeah! When I started this clown thing, I thought it would be nothing but glory. You know, the glory of being a clown. I tell you. It's hard, tiring work. But when I see the smiles on their little faces,

Fun toys are fun. Well said, Ralph.

Hey, children! Meet me, Sideshow Cecil! Next!

Condoleezza Marie aint too playful tonight. And I dont remember her being this granulated. Can I put your baby in my coffee? Well, the doctor said you eat any more baby, they gonna take your foot.

This is horrible. The Fox network has sunk to a new low. Lisa, you got a letter. It's from my pen pal, Anya.

Sounds like a plan. Then it's settled.

Well, we have an officer sneaking around the house, Kent. So unless they have a television in there or can hear my loud talking-- Ow, ow, ow, ow. Well, I guess that answers that, doesn't it?

Nelson, I'm afraid I'm gonna have to teach you a lesson. Ha ! Oh, yeah ? You and what army ? This one.

Dog for sale! Dog for sale! How much for the dog? Oh, he's not for sale. Oh, well. Although, if the right offer came along--

What can I say ? I've got a weakness for the classics. I think I need to make a stop at the little girls' room. Okay, Mother. This way. So long, sucker.

That reminds me, do you mind if my nephew kicks you in the belly? Okay. Oh! Aw, the flash didn't go off! You got another one in you, josh?

Okay, this isn't about who I called. See you later. I'm going to the library. Lisa gets to do what she wants, and you don't yell at her.

Oh, Marge. to be called up whenever and for whatever reason I desire. But that was just an idle promise. - Not to me. - Ohh. I want you to find a husband for my sister Selma. Find a husband ? Wait. Which one's Selma again ?

That's mine, isn't it? Tastes like yours. How about jazz? Do you like jazz?

Don't you think we should wait for Lisa? She is the president. She knows what time dinner is.

Jonah! Jonah! Jonah!

Listen to your heart. Well, I can't give you the car, Krusty,

Marge! How dare you open a letter addressed to both of us! "M631700000642J"? This is a new loan tracking number. You got a new mortgage? I had to, or Moe's would stay closed forever. You gave the money to Moe? How's he going to pay us back?

Let's go. (BART SIGHS) Bart, the record of your mischief is staggering.

Simpson, Homer ? Here ya go. Come on, son. Let's go cash this baby and get presents for-- Thirteen bucks ? Hey, wait a minute.

As soon as you're in your pressboard coffin, I'll be the sole survivor, and the treasure will be mine. Over my dead body it will! That's exactly the point! Oh, Simpson, can't you go five seconds without humiliating yourself? How long was that?

And the rest. R-O-C-k in the U.S.A. Whoo! R-O-C-k in the U.S.A. R-o-c-k in the U.S.A. Good night, Springfield. We'll be back in an hour. Rockin' in the U.S.A. Huh? Good babies. Good, good babies.

Way ahead of ya! J; Whoo!

Kids, come down for your prom photo. Ooh!

There and there. Don't worry. The blood'll hold it right on your face. And now, some aftershave. Son of a-- Ohh! And that's how we shave.

(TEENY CHATTERING) (MUTTERING)

Thanks, Mom. Mmm. Aw, just like on TV.

What's that? That is the rarest gummi of them all. The gummi Venus de Milo, carved by gummi artisans... who work exclusively in the medium of gummi.

Oh, let's just say I had help from a little magic box. You changed your grade with a computer?

Ah, just Moe. Just Moe. It wasn't me. It was the hair. Freeze, hair ball!

Through here, boy. Back to civilization. How do you know ? When you're an experienced woodsman like me, you get a feel for these things. It becomes natural, like a third sense.

My purpose in life is to witness this moment. We need the outlet for our rock tumbler. Plug it in! Plug it in! What, the rock tumbler or the TV? The TV! The TV! Show

Toy store, toy store, toy store! Whee! Oh, to be eight again.

That was beautiful ! - Can we go now ? - Sit down, Homer. How much longer was Sherbert planning on making this piece of junk ?

(PLAYING PIANO)

Wow! A lot of people have pools. Honey, my shoulders are separating! Okay, okay, here we go.

That's what I meant by romance. The Itchy and Scratchy Show

And not the kind that attacked my intestinal lining some years back. So let's get your franchise up and running. Start by setting up an office... in your basement or garage. Whoa!

I can't wait to see that play.

Ah ! Give me that. See ?

That spiky-haired, masked dancer is really something. I wonder who he is. He's graceful, yet masculine. So it's okay for me to enjoy this. This reminds me of the movie Fame, and to a lesser extent, the TV series, which was also called Fame.

Pepsi? Partial credit.

Okay, folks. You heard the recording. Clear out.

Please turn in your exam, Bart. Class is over. Uh, do you think you could grade it now, please ? Well, all right.

Lisa, breakfast. I know you're mad at me. But I hope you're not mad at Cap'n Crunch... (GASPING) (CHOKING) (GRUNTING) Homer, we've gotta get Lisa!

Happy New-- Wha-- Oh, no. It's happening. Uh-oh.

I dress myself.

Oh, great. Dad's dead. Have you been eating that sandwich again? Sandwich.

Maggie, cut that racket!

Now, for my favorite part of the show. Whuzzat say? "Talk to the audience"? Oh, God. This is always death.

I say tear them limb from limb! Look. Huh? Oh, wow! ts so beautiful. I'm not angry anymore. Whoa, I dont need drugs to enjoy this. Just to enhance it.

You should get a job. The only thing I was ever good at was bus driving and now I need a piece of paper to do that. So get that piece of paper.

Oh, don't stop. Oh, yeah. Faster! Faster! Faster! Faster! Oh, you do that like a pro!

Stupid driving test at the stupid D.M.V. where stupid Patty and stupid Selma work! Sometimes I think God is teasing me. just like he teased Moses in the desert. Tested, Homer. God tested Moses. And try to be nice to my sisters. It's very hard on me to have you fighting all the time.

our hallowed snake skull cracking day we'll break their backs gouge out their eyes

Olive oil? Asparagus? If your mother wasn't so fancy, we could shop at the gas station like normal people. I need this candy for school. Candy class. Well, okay. But get five bags in case we eat four on the way home. My teacher said I need cupcakes-- cupcakes to learn. In the cart.

Now that I've met you, I suddenly make a lot of sense. I'm so glad to see the spirit of the '60s is still alive in you kids.

You went to a sugar factory? Were there Oompa-Loompas? There was one in a cage, but he wasn't moving. That company's ruining the whole town's health, and I don't know how to stop them. Why don't you file a class-action suit?

I've got two tickets to paradise Won't you pack your bags and leave tonight I've got two tickets to paradise I've got two tickets to paradise

"Yello." Marge, please. Who's this ? May I please speak to Marge ? This is her sister, isn't it ? Is Marge there ? Who shall I say is calling ? Marge, please. It's your sister.

It sounds like a motorcycle gang. And we don't have backup! We'd better lay low. But Chief, what if they like pizza? Way ahead of you, Lou. That is one bitchin' bike. Daddy said a cuss word! Lighten up, Roddy.

Homie, you didn't touch your second dinner tonight. And you're reading books. Word books! What's going on? Marge, the Rapture is nigh. These books will help me figure out how nigh. This whole deal is scientifically proven. The Book of Revelations has 404 verses.

(YELLS) (ALL SCREAM) Oh, no! Who will put up with our nonsense now? To Disneyland, where we will heap the scorn on Goofy! (ALL CLAMORING) Now everything's perfect again. Excuse me. I think I left my belt here.

Man, how'd I ever live without this thing? Oh, man, that's good!

Great Barrier Reef, we're under attack! Eat slaw, Skinner! We're slawin' him up good!

Kids, look what I got you for your third grade field trip! Matching fanny packs! Now your fannies match. Hey, get away from me. - Get- - Ow! Ooh! - Quit it! Ow! - Stop it! Ow! Let gol - Ow! - Stop! You’ll crush yourjuice boxes!

(PLAYING DIFFERENT TUNE) (TIRES SCREECHING) D'oh! (SCREAMS) (BRAKES SCREECHING)

Ha! Mr. Sherman, I understand you have two Pulitzer Prizes. Well, it's not like I carry them around with me.

Let me make one thing clear. I want your legal advice. I even pay for it. But to me, you're all vipers. You live on personal injury, on divorces. You live on pain and misery!

I don't miss meat at all! This Portobello mushroom eats like a steak. A rubbery, fungus-like steak. (RUMBLING) Oh, Marge, I'm giving birth to a food baby!

Yeah. Sure, you did. Bart, don't push him ! I knew it. You're both against me. Well, nobody makes a sap out of Bartholomew J. Simpson.

Okay, F.D.R. is in the White House, an ice-cream cone costs a nickel, and a hot new tune by Benny Goodman is hitting the charts. The year is 1939. 19-- 1939? Oh, my God! I've gone back in time!

It's bad enough they're all eating meat. They don't have to rub it in my face.

Krusty, your plastic surgery is complete. Now, when I remove the bandages, don't be alarmed by the total stranger staring back at you. I look exactly the same, you moron! Oh, nonsense, Krusty. You look at least 10 years younger. Plus, I did your breasts.

For all their disposable income, for all their leisure time, they had no immunity against God's lowliest creatures, children. Looks like everything's back the way it was which is the only way it should ever be. Great. Let's dump these kids in an R-rated movie while we go someplace nice.

(ALL GASPING) And to think I was gonna ask you to the dance! I would've gone with you. Well, you still can! Well, I don't feel like it now. Oh! That's cool. Stupid, stupid, stupid.

Wow! Governors Island looks so insignificant from up here. Hey, immigrants, beat it! Country's full! Okay, folks. You heard the lady. Back into the hold. We'll try Canada.

Listen to me, you little puke ! One of these days I'm gonna catch you, and I'm gonna carve my name on your back with an ice pick !

And the starting line of the 1976 Philadelphia Flyers.

So what are we going to do? We're going to do what we do every day. We're going to make pretzels. There. That's the last one.

"Sorry you didn't want to join me tonight. I left you hot dogs for dinner. They're thawing in the sink."

instead of the ones we have now that say "Stand-Ups" and "Sit-Downs." Huh? Tell me honestly. What do you think? Ooh. That's a great idea. Thanks. Wait, are you sure I'm not interrupting anything? Of course not. I'm in bed with Homer. Also, I want to go with the green tablecloths. Well, I might as well use this pucker for something.

This is why I got into roofing! (BOTH LAUGHING) NED: Hey, Homer! Ned, are you okay? Yeah. But my mower can't get much lower. (AIR HISSING) I was wrong! (WHIMPERS) (DOOR SLAMS) (BOTH LAUGHING)

Good Lord! Gimme an "art"! He's gotten into the pep closet. What's that spell? I'd say he's coming out of the pep closet. I don't wanna pump my little boy full of drugs. Yeah, yeah, we get a lot of that. But then they see our results.

Oh, Marge, I never felt so alone. No one believes me. Uh, this is the part where you're supposed to say, "I believe you, Homer." I don't believe you, Homer. You do? Oh, Marge! You've made me so happy. You're not listening. You're only hearing what you want to hear.

No. Because they pass the savings on to me, the consumer. Arent you ashamed to lend your likeness to substandard food?

by flocks of chattering disease-bags. For decimating our pigeon population... and making Springfield a less oppressive place... to while away our worthless lives, I present you with this scented candle.

I think this is the best neighborhood in town. Anybody agree with me? You're the king, Homer! King of the neighborhood! Say, that ayatollah thinks he's better than America. Is he right? No! Yes. For only five dollars, you can sock it to him in style.

I mean an award that's worth winning! You know, Kent, in today's youth-obsessed culture,

Now don't try anything funny this time, Bob. I'm gonna be on you like red beans on-- Hey, hey, hey, don't walk so fast.

you know how I feel, so it's up to you.

The cops can't just slap a curfew on us! We have rights! Sure you do. You have the right to remain silent. - That was cold-blooded, Marge. - Yeah. But it's not fair. Adults always blame kids for everything. Well, if kids are so innocent, why is everything bad named after them?

Can I help you? I'd like to get my ear pierced. Well, better make it quick, kiddo. In five minutes, this place is becoming a Starbucks. Hello, everybody! Sparkle, sparkle.

Aw, nuts. There you are! Falcon to Eagle. Have located bag of crap. If you get me out of this, there's a hall monitor position coming open in the spring. I spit on your monitors! I know. That's why the position's available.

I mean, one minute, he's 10 feet tall. The next, his feet are as big as a lake. Hey, hey, hey! Who's the hobo here? I'm just sayin'. Now Paul and Babe were a mighty fine match But the man had an itch that an ox couldn't scratch Huh?

Yes! But I can only pay you in popcorn shrimp. Smell ya later! I can't believe "Smell ya later" replaced "Good-bye." Smell ya later! Smell ya later.

Why, at that little shop right over... there.

One adult and two children, please. I can think of at least two things wrong with that title.

I tip my hat to the new constitution Take a bow for the new revolution Well, Marge, looks like your insane experiment is over. My experiment? You're the one who came up with this whole idea-- Just like yesterday

One seafood burrito, Apu. I am loath to interrupt your meditation, sir, but the time has come for money to change hands. Oh, sorry.

They think they're so high and mighty... just 'cause they never got caught drivin' without pants.

And this is Elvis' rec room. When the King wasn't rehearsing or exercising he liked to unwind by watching up to three TVs at once. Man, oh, man, what a lifestyle. Are you Ozzie Smith? Yes. I have a proposition for you.

From now on, I hope you'll help me out. You got it, sweetheart. You have enough blanket? Well, I could use a little more. And sometimes, I want a little time to myself and I expect you... Mom...

Yeah, but even I had my limits. You're looking at expulsion for this. I know! I know! The books! Oh, answers! Answers!

Hooray for Connie Bufflekill! What? So now we're not eating Homer? And thanks to that little girl, today you can find apples in everything that's good. Apple wine, apple whiskey, apple schnapps, apple martinis,

Mom, what are you doing ? What ? What do you mean ? Well, don't you remember the Eighth Commandment ? Oh, of course. It's, "Thou shalt not... um, covet... graven images." Something about covet. Thou shalt not steal ! Oh.

I said, "At least he's got his health." Now you've got nothing! Okay, Mom. For you, I'll try. (CHOKING) Okay. Now we know you're allergic to cauliflower. But I made a special platter of vegetables that are good for you.

You can't show me anything new." You've got some attitude, mister.

No. This dermal magnifier will show the extent of the damage. (GASPS) (GROWLING) (SCREAMS) He's eating my beauty! Mmm-hmm. Skin mites love the taste of beauty!

D'oh! D'oh! No, no, no! Oh, Homie. Ow. Ooh. Ow.

Zap! Homer, at least come out and say hello. No. No, no. No. Oh, no. Oh, come on. You liked john this morning. No. I'm not setting foot outside this house until that man is gone. Oh, Dad, you are the living end.

Ooh, look at him strutting around like he's cock of the walk. Well, let me tell you, Homer Simpson is cock of nothing! Hmm? Why, you and I can run this plant ourselves.

Now, I've gotten word that a child is using his imagination, and I've come to put a stop to it.

Oh. Whoa! Ow! Sorry. The floor's kind of at an angle here. I'm gonna move over there. Okay. From tappa-tappa-tappa. Lisa's bad dancing makes my feet sad. Oh! Let's take five.

God bless you! - See ya! - Good-bye! Bye-bye, Homer! Take care!

Ma'am, would you be interested in changing your long distance service, if-- What th-- She hung up on me. What did I do?

(ALL LAUGHING) (SINISTER TUNE PLAYING) (RINGING) Y'ello?

'Scuse me. Are you a student at this school? I think it's pretty obvious that I am. Go school!

QUIMBY: You stupid hicks! Why didn't you tell me you hated classical music? We didn't have time. The concert hall was designed and built so quickly. We're broke, but I have a plan. We change the name of the town to escape our creditors.

Prove me wrong, kids. Prove me wrong. I've never seen them fight like that. I'm worried that all this posturing... and saber rattling could lead to a teachers' strike.

Wait up, guys! I gotta empty my grass bag!

I like to think I do something helpful for every student "N" through "Z." Uh, the only advice I can give you is... try to share common interests and spend, spend, spend ! What interests does she have that I could make common ? I believe she's very active on the forensics team. They meet in the new building, room 219. Far out !

Eat crowd, old man! ; Hey, hey, good-bye; Hey, that looks like fun. Do mel Yay! Homer! Homer! Homer!

Outsiders have kidnapped some of our property. We must respond with our deadliest weapon. The lawyers.

Oh! She won't hold! She's breaking up! All done. If you survive, please come again.

will be happy to handle any problems you may have. Looks like we got ourselves a troublemaker.

The Simpsons D'oh!

Yes, Lisa. Daddy's a teacher. Oh, Homer. What a pleasant-- Can't talk now, Flanders. I've got a class to teach. But you rang my--

Jiminy Cricket! Whoo! Expired ham.

I'm drawing a line down the center of the house À la I love Lucy. You stay on your side, and I'll stay on my side. D'oh!

Oh, boy. Check it out, beavers. Delicious motel furniture.

who will receive a free appetizer at Fuzzy Zoeller's Green Jacket Steakhouse.

- Oh! - It's the Christmas hobgoblins! Ooh! What the hell is this?

Ah! Hmm. It seems a shame to chuck out these cross-country skis. Mmm. I'll keep one. Let's see, now. "Kill spiders"? We don't have spiders. (SCREAMS)

We built this city on rock and roll

I already have one of those. Well then, find a new identity.

Whoo-hoo! Eat my shorts, Shelbyville! Eat my shorts!

Bart, I'm glad you're here. Milhouse could use a friend like you. Milhouse? Bart, I don't want you to see me cry.

But the bread's still dancing. The Mediterranean climate is reproduced by cool Pacific winds mixed with exhaust fumes from the highway.

Larry, you must meet our daughter, the debutante. She came out last spring. Whoa! Put her back in! She's not done yet.

You know, I don't think I remember. But the story of Lisa's first word is very cute. Tell it, Mom. Yeah, tell it, Mom. Well, this story begins in that unforgettable spring of 1983.

I've hit my mental and creative peak at the tender age of eight. What will my life be like after I descend into mediocrity?

I'd rather have candy. Not if they were called scum drops. Your new principal would like to say a few words. Remember, you have to respect him. - He's a war hero. - Ha-ha! Thank you, Chalmers.

Mom? Well, it is. I've known your father since high school, and this is the cleverest thing he's ever done. Besides, he's only breaking a silly, 200-year-old law. It is silly, Marge. And look at all the money I'm making! Whoo! Mom!

That oughta show God whose side we're on, eh, Pastor? Yes, Nedwin, but we have many more strumpets to incinerate.

Let me through. I'm her husband. That explains a lot. Try to talk her out of there but don't put your lips on it. Hello. Hello! Is this thing on? Hello?! Homer, is that you? What should I say?

Bart, you're grounded for a year! I'll just pay the fine.

Yeah? Well, I got news for ya. This ain't makeup. They say the greatest tragedy is when a father outlives his son. I've never fully understood why that is. Frankly, I can see an upside to it.

Yeah, keep away from him, Milhouse! You too, Ralphie. You're out of that day care center. Oh! My polite indignation knows no bounds! No! No!

An elephant ran through your front yard. Okay. Wiggum. Yeah, right, mister. Mm-hmm. An elephant just knocked over your mailbox. Okay. Wiggum. Yeah, right, buddy. Liquor store robbery, officer down. Sure. And I'm Edward G. Robinson. Waah!

Eww. Dad, this is blood. Correction-- free blood.

Are you getting all this, Lisa? I don't know.

Hey, Grampa. Stealing Mom's car?

Bart! Did you kill that poor bird? I didn't mean to, Mom. The gun pulled to the left-- You disobeyed me, snuck over here and murdered a helpless animal?

We're down to mood lightin' here. All right, all right. Mellow out, everybody. The captain'll know what to do. You just shot the captain out of the torpedo tube.

The sweet-- Homer? In America, first you get the sugar, then you get the power, then you get the women. Homer! Huh? Homer! What? What?

Mmm, that's good satire! Mom, is that Principal Skinner sleeping in the Bed of Tomorrow?

All right. Get the scent, boy. Come on. Get the scent. Now kill him! Hey! Ah, my jugular! Ah! Oh! Any questions?

There couldn't be a heaven without a hell. Who's in there? Oh... Hitler's dog and that dog Nixon had, what's his name? Chester? Checkers. One of the Lassies is in there too. The mean one-- the one that mauled Timmy. Does this have anything to do with Santa's Little Helper?

there's a toolshed out back. I'm in there most of the day.

Looks like we have a new champion. Ah, my beloved family. How was church? I, on the other hand, have been having the best day of my life, and I owe it all to skipping church. That's a terrible thing to say! Kids, your father doesn't really mean that.

Obesity is really unhealthy. Any doctor will tell you that. Oh, yeah? Well, we'll just see about that, little Miss Smart Guy. My God! That's monstrous. I've never heard of anything so negligen-- I'll have no part of it. - Can you recommend a doctor who will? - Yes.

Aw! Just my luck. Good Lord, Smithers! You look atrocious. I thought I told you to take a vacation.

Okay, okay, okay, okay. The service has ended. Go in peace.

Okay, that's exactly one moment. And-- Oh, my God! He's getting away! Stop him! Out of the way, Midge. Oh, am I in the way? Yes, yes, you're in the way! Are you daft, woman?

Uh, do you think that's wise, Mr. Burns ? I mean, think of the headlines. Uh-huh. Yeah ? Ooh ! What about the headlines ?

Okay, Bart. Your turn, your turn.

it may astonish you to learn that I am an immigrant.

Come in for brain surgery... and receive a free Chinese finger trap. Okay, friend. You tried the best. Now try the rest. Call 1-600-DOCTORB. The "B" is for "bargain"! Well, Marge, we could do worse.

This court finds Freddy Quimby innocent of all charges.

(SIGHS IN RELIEF) Dad? Pie Man is not your father, little girl. I murdered your father. Dad, please. It's obvious you're Pie Man. We've been getting his mail for weeks.

Now on three times a day. Because at Channel 6, we got nothin' else. Hey, Krusty should run for Congress. He could help us with the airplanes. Yeah. And entertainers are always winning elections-- Jesse "The Body" Ventura, Sonny Bono, Gopher from Love Boat, Mary Bono.

Now that's what I call a moon shot.

Dad, look! Television! Teacher! Mother! Secret lover. Urge to kill fading.

"Dearest Martha, Since boyhood, "I have yearned to be on the one-dollar bill, and with your help, "this I shall achieve. Sincerely, George Washington." Thank you, Rex.

There's Jimmy Page, one of the greatest thieves of American black music who ever walked the earth. There's the kids. (DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)

My water dish is empty!

And then the handsome prince realized... he had to go to the bathroom really bad. But the evil ogre-- Barney--

Ow! That really hurt! I can't take it anymore! Hi-ya! Mom, you cut the tether. We're free! Your mother set us free! Whoo-hoo!

Hmm, yeah. Excuse me. I ordered a Zima, not "emphysema." Please, don't smoke in our restaurant. We don't serve contemporary California cuisine in your lungs.

It's your birthday?

Anyone want some coffee for the ride back? Not that convenience store crap, is it? Because I don't feed that to my dogs. No, no. It's home-brewed. Careful. It's hotter than a Fox News weather skank. Oh, my! Hot! Hot! Hot! La, la, la, la, la, la, la. Here. Let me wrap this wet towel around your head to cool you off.

Then you'd better not look at me. Homer, where did you get that suit? A friend bought it for me. Was it Lurleen? No. I think it was Lenny. Don't lie to me. Are you having an affair? No! Have you kissed her? No! - Has she kissed you? - Couple of times.

Aahh! oof! It's no good, and you know what we say... Every time something strange happens-- it's good that Bart did that.

No, it didn't use to be this way at all.

It teaches them while they learn. Yeah. Nice try, St. Nick. Now hit the road, Kriss Kringle. But-- But-- You heard me, PÈre NoËl. What you got there?

She has limited capacities. All she can do is dial and yell.

I cant believe they took Monkey Trauma Center off for this. f Snoring] L ousy family- So, I'm just some babe who sank her claws into you.

I want to stay, but as the real me, not as some yahoo from Green Bay.

Let's kick this up a notch and get you some wiggle in your lap. Oh, yeah. No. Absolutely no friction dancing. (GROANING) Come on! Why, you killjoy?

Lookin' out the window, that's a paddlin'. Starin' at my sandals, that's a paddlin'. Paddlin' the school canoe, ooh, you better believe that's a paddlin'. Hey!

Well, no one expects you to sell that house. But you'd better sell something. Because cubicles are for closers, Marge. Anybody who doesn't sell a house their first week gets fired. I probably should've mentioned that earlier.

Attention, everyone! l was asked to take a dive, but I wont do it. l-N-T-R-A-N-S-l-G-A-N-C-EI You fool! ts "E-N-C-EH Oh, my God! You’re right! I spelled it wrong. I tried my best, and I failed.

Now! Now! Now! Hey, a grandfather clock. Not bad.

He's guilty of mayhem exposure indecent freaked-out behavior both chronic and recent drinking and driving narcotics possession and that's just page one of his 10-page confession

This is great! And all I've done is enter my name-- Thrillhouse! Say, cool dude, can I play too? Uh-- Uh, it's only a one-player game. Then how come it says "second player score"? Mom! Bart's swearing! Hey! What the hell-- No, no, no! Out!

All right. You're dismissed. I'll take it from here. But, Mr. Burns, you're exhausted. Yes, but I have a little secret. I've obtained a rare, powerful aphrodisiac. It was made from the pockets of the pocket fox, an animal that only existed for three weeks in the 16th century.

Target date: January 2007. And now, the grand finale. "Get Lisa's jammed tape out of VCR." Whoops. Wait a minute. There.

Huh? What's he doing here? My yearbook. No! Mm-hmm. Hey, you guys! You want to see how cool Lisa Simpson really is? Check this out. Miss Perfect Attendance,

All right, seniors, we'd all love to share in your wisdom, experience, yadda, yadda, yadda. Let's start with Milhouse's grandfather. Uh, how many of you have a house? All right. Now how many of you drove your house to school today? Huh?

Take it like a man, boy, and do everything your little sister says. This is an outrage! I am two years and 38 days older than she is! This is the greatest injustice in the history of the world! Well, we have to run. I'm sure you kids will work things out. Good night. But-- uh-- uh-- Make sure he brushes his teeth, Lisa.

- That's a right triangle, ya idiot! - D'oh! Thank you so much for visiting our plant, Dr. Kissinger. It was fun. We'll let you know if your glasses turn up. Uh, yes. Well, I'm sure I left them in the car. No one must know I dropped them in the toilet. Not I, the man who drafted the Paris Peace Accords.

And why is a cafeteria worker posing as a nurse? I get two paychecks this way. D'oh.

Oh, Homer. How many times do I have to fluff your pillow ? Actually, I was wondering if you could make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Well, okay. Make sure it's squished flat and crunchy on the outside. I know how you like 'em, Homer. And maybe some of those little wieners that come in a can ? Oh, and some fruit cocktail in heavy syrup.

Now, that's Danish. Where'd you get it?

All right. Who's responsible for this ? I might have known it was you, Simpson. But, sir, I-- I don't want to hear about it, Simpson. You're fired ! Oh, hi, girls. Hi, Daddy.

TAB: I've smelled it. It has to be eaten. HOMER: But it's my burger! TAB: I'm driving. I'll kill us. HOMER: (MOUTH FULL) Fine. I'd rather die!

the one that was parked in 7A? Hey! Hey, what's it doing there? It was supposed to be on the railroad tracks. No, I mean, the parking lot.

Mm, it's so good to be home again. Look what happened without my pills! Bart, run upstairs! Get Grampa's medicine. Not so fast. I wanna court this fair, young maiden.

You're lucky to be alive. Save your palliative cliches for the next poor sap, Doctor. Is it okay to visit? Of course. Hey, man, cool crash. - Way to cheat death. - Thanks, Bart.

You just crossed out his name and put yours. Yeah, okay, gimme that. Gimme it back. "Barney Gumble." Oh, what'll I do, Moe? Why don't you invite him over to dinner-- Turn him from an enemy into a friend? Then, when he's not expecting it-- Bam! The old fork in the eye.

No, Bart, no ! You know, if you guys hadn't tied me up, I could be saving the comic as we speak. Shut up. Shut up. Help me, Bart. I didn't even want the comic.

Oh. I mean, not guilty. Opening night jitters, Your Honor. I would like to call to the stand, Homer J. Simpson. Don't do it, Dad. Please don't do it. Sorry, son. You'll understand one day.

Butt out, buttinsky. What would you know about hunting? I know this much. I wouldn't wear that hideous hat. Here. Take this one. It was worn by Yale Summers in Daktari. Hang on to it, toy boy. You might need it... when it starts raining naked ladies.

Trick or treat, man. Aren't you a little old for this? You're not even wearing costumes. Hand over the candy, old dude, or we egg your house. Here you go, kids. Heh-heh... heh. Lousy punks. D'oh!

Oh! Why does my death keep coming back to haunt me? Oh!

I don't think we should be down here.

Smithers, I'm beginning to think that Homer Simpson... was not the brilliant tactician I thought he was.

Pardon my French, but sometimes that man's a goofy-doofy.

So what about all this meat? Aw, the missus will clean that up. Now it's Marge's time to shine. First of all, I get five dollars a day, plus expenses. Seems fair. And I'll need your signature... here, here... and initial here.

This is a little more rustic than I expected. I'm not worried, Lise. You know why? Because of this. The Krusty Brand Seal of Approval. You can only find it on products which meet the high personal standards of Krusty the Clown.

We're gonna crash! Do you have air bags? No! The church opposes them for some reason! What was that?

Bring me a dream Make him the cutest that I've ever seen Give him a lonely heart like Pagliacci Check it out, Fat Tony. Those jokers think they're the Cowsills. And lots of wavy hair like Liberace

Ah, New Orleans. The Big Easy.

Oh, he's close. I can taste his fear.

Suckers. Have you ever read "The Boy Who Cried Wolf"? I glanced at it. Boy cries "wolf," has a few laughs. I forget how it ends. Bart, is that light green? Yeah. It better be! Hey!

What's wrong with this house? Is it the plumbin'? No. It's a house of ill fame. A house of loose ethics. Is there a building code violation? A drainage issue? A surveying error? The house is perfectly fine! Well, then quit bad-mouthing the house! Yeah, leave the house alone!

It's no mirage So sing it again Yvan eht nioj Yvan eht nioj

Every note is pounding into my skull.

What were you guys smokin' when you came up with that?

Let's see your license, pal. No can do. Never got one. If you need proof of my identity I wrote my name on my underwear. Oh, wait-- these aren't mine.

beat him silly with a block of frozen lima beans. It's true! Young lady, you will never babysit again! I am so disappointed. -pointed, --pointed. Oh! Well, I guess I don't have a choice.

Bonded? How many times?

Well, we could do something fun. Um, how 'bout a beach party? - Oh, great idea, Lise. - Hey, I know where there's a beach! I know where we could get some baguettes. Gee, I don't know what you've got planned for tonight, Homer, but count me out. Didn't you buy any meat? This baby's sure to kill something.

that differential equations are more powerful than bullets. What a rip! You all should be ashamed! Well, I didn't win Teacher of the Year, but I didn't go home empty-handed. Do you want to check out the Bed of Tomorrow today? Ooh, Seymour!

Hi-yah! Hai! Ho! Hah! Woo! There you go, fellas. D'oh! Look! There's another disadvantaged boy. Where?

Your license is hereby revoked... and you are to attend traffic school and two months of Alch-Anon meetings. Your Honor, I'd like that last remark stricken from the record. No. It doesn't get any better than this.

Once again, if I'm not mistaken, this can contained tomato paste. Thank you, Nelson. I look forward to seeing it again next week. Bart, you're up. Boys and girls, Mrs. Krabappel,

Alien Autopsy. Illegal Alien Autopsy. Godfather III: Good Version. He's got the tape of Kent Brockman picking his nose.

Why do you keep picking on me? Marge's name was on that tax return too.

So, what did you children learn about today ? Hell. Bart !

English - US - SDH

Okay. Let me check the specs. Ah, my vision is coming to life. Hey! Hey! Thanks, great.

Marge, what if the Rapture is coming and I haven't led a good enough life? I could be left below. Sweetie, don't worry. God wouldn't spring the Rapture on us unannounced. He'd send us signs like, I don't know,

Hi. Um-- Let me have one of those porno magazines, large box of condoms, a bottle of Old Harper, a couple of those panty shields... and some illegal fireworks... and one of those disposable enemas-- no, make it two.

Hey, Red Hot Chili Peppers, would you guys like to appear on a Krusty the Clown special? Sure, if you can get us out of this gig. No problemo. Hey, Moe, look over there. What? What am I lookin' at? I don't see nothin'. I'm gonna stop looking soon.

I hate this place.

Uh, they've, uh, mysteriously disappeared. Looking good, boys. That's it. There's too much corruption on this force. I quit.

Family meeting. Family meeting. Okay, people. Let's keep this short. We all want to get home to our families.

Beautiful language, isn't it, Marge ? For God's sake, don't eat another bite ! Oh, I couldn't possibly. Mr. Simpson-san, I shall be blunt. We have reason to believe you have eaten... poison. Poison ! What should I do ? What should I do ? Tell me quick !

Tell me if I have what it takes to be a blues musician. Show me your chops.

Your wussiness better come in handy. I want some answers! Okay, folks, look. I called the police captain in Shelbyville. He says he hasn't seen our kids. But if they show up in the morgue, he's gonna fax us.

Hey, how come you can watch cartoons but the kids can't ? Because. Because why ? Because I said so. Because you said so why ? Homer, I'm trying to work ! Oh. What are you doing ? I'm cataloguing the violence in these cartoons. I don't think adults have ever actually sat down and watched them before.

Why? I just saw the best part. Ooh. Death by Knockout, Blood on the ice. Ho, ho! Football's Greatest Injuries. Lisa, we're going.

D'oh! I put the tax forms on top of your "to do" pile a month ago. I have a "to do" pile? Marge, how many kids do we have? Oh, no time to count. I'll just estimate-- uh, nine. Homer, you know we don't have-- Shut up, shut up! If I don't hear you, it's not illegal. Okay, I need some deductions.

Oh! (BLOWS SHRILL BLAST) Uh-oh. The Queen's in trouble! And you didn't want to give her a whistle! (SCREAMS) Please, Your Majesty. I know that I, like many other Americans,

Curly, straight. Curly, straight. Ow! Why, you little-- Mr. Simpson, stop!

I have a plan. I think we can trap him. You know, Sideshow Bob, I believe you when you say you're innocent. Indeed, I am.

Didn't I? And that was the only folly... the people of Springfield ever embarked upon, except for the Popsicle stick skyscraper...

No. Well, you do now. We are here live in the K.B.B.L. parking lot to see... how low will you go. Our most disgusting contestant will win a free trip to Hartford, Connecticut. I thought it was Hawaii. No one said Hawaii.

They're ruining my whole life. Marge, please. This is where I need you the most. I'm counting on you to do something or say something to make it all better. Okay? Go. Homer-- Uh-huh? I already talked to the indignation coordinator out on the lawn today. I told her you were a decent man, but she wouldn't listen.

Now, here's your action anchor, Kent Brockman. Hello. I'm Kent Brockman. Our top stories tonight: a tremendous explosion in the price of lumber; President Reagan dies--

Sometimes I feel like I've been sold Separately

It used to be that establishing sanity took months. That's all changed thanks to the Marvin Monroe Take-Home Personality Test. 20 simple questions that will determine just how crazy or "meshuggener" someone is. "Print name." Oh!

Homer, that's just to bite on, not to eat. Sorry. Give me one that doesn't taste so good. That was rubber covered in Vaseline! Marge, write that down so we can have it at home.

- Ha, ha, ha. - Oh, my God. This boy is having an out-of-body experience. This is very... bad for business. Hot diggity!

Showbiz is so fascinating. Mom, I don't feel so good. What is it, honey? My tummy really hurts. Somebody wants Mommy to change baby's diaper! Is that somebody you, Homer?

Shut up, or I'll pound all of ya! That was fun! We have to get out more often. I heard about a new bar where men dance with men. Doesn't that sound adorable? Well, sure, if it's true. Is that Lisa?

People, this is an issue that we, as a town, are strong enough to ignore. Let us give no more scrutiny to this bawdy house... and its small clientele of loyal perverts. Oh, I'm afraid this problem goes far beyond Eugene and Rusty. Marge, if you please.

Medium setting.

Well, I don't wanna wait another minute to find out whether you love me anymore. I think that you should... - look me in the eyes and find out. - Oh ! Homer, look at me ! All right, all right. Look at her if it'll shut her up. Start with the feet.

Hmm. Then I added some fins to lower wind resistance-- And this racing stripe here, I feel is pretty sharp. Agreed. First prize.

It's a proud day as Springfield is declared... one of America's 400 fastest growing cities! And why not? Business is booming! Half the country wears Springfield galoshes. And say hello to the state's first aqua-car factory. Keep 'em coming, boys! The city's even in the celebrity business. Everyone knows...

She must think you're after her eggs. I only ate one!

Nerds! Get out of there! - Mr. Hamill. Mr. Mayor. Come on. - Who are you? Homer Simpson, nerd-buster, and I'm gettin' you out of here.

What are you doing? Playing Hot Wheels. Ow! That had a guide pin in it. What happened to Grampa? He was supposed to babysit.

But you didn't get any on me-- Ugh-- Wh-- Lisa, Burns isn't a vampire. And even if he was, we're not gonna stumble on his secret hiding place. You're probably right. Let's just go back.

and my homosexuals flaming! Zap! Homer, at least come out and say hello. No. No, no. No. Oh, no. Oh, come on.

She's waking up. Don't worry. I brought some chloroform. Pleasant dreams. There. And there. You idiot! Those are Colorforms! Nabindu, Pria and Sashi. Now let's go.

I wanted Carl Yastrzemski with the big sideburns.

There's gotta be some batteries in here somewhere. Hmm. Oh, Bart, that's plutonium. It's highly unstable!

Oh, I'm going to miss this! Hey, hands off my pickle! I don't see your name on it, boy. No, but-- Oh, yeah? Check... mate! Always thinking two moves ahead. We'll see you when you get back from Image Enhancement Camp.

Mr. Simpson, you are forbidden to come within 500 miles... of any celebrity, living or dead. Whoo-hoo!

Son, a woman is a lot like, um, a refrigerator. They're about six feet tall, 300 pounds.

Keep away! Hey, come on! Those are prescription shoes! I need them! You have cooties! You have cooties! No, I don't!

Give it a little more gas. No, no, that's too much. You know what I think would help? What? What would help? Nothing. Oh, doctor. A 98-yard triple reverse... ties the score at 63-63.

Oh, I wish my family was with me. Sorry, Marge. They're just not our sort. Well, then I'd like to speak with Jesus. I'm afraid he's gone native. (LAUGHING)

Okay, Sherman, you're a movie expert. So tell us, who's gay? Oh, I don't know. Harvey Fierstein. - No! - Who else? Uh-- Uh-- Oh. MacGyver's gay. Oh!

I finally got Barney back on the sauce. If he doesn't have fun, he could easily slip right back into sobriety. (SLURRING) Don't worry. If I feel the urge to sober up, I'll just talk to my sponsor. Drink or I'll die!

It's the candy of a thousand uses. Like what? One, a humorous substitute for your own lips. Mm-hmm. Keep going.

D'oh! (SCREAMS) (BRAKES SCREECHING) (ALSO SPRACH ZARATHUSTRA PLAYING)

She told me she was washing her hair tonight. I'm so desperately lonely. Oh, quit your bellyaching, you big loser! Wh-Who said that?

Bart, the entire town is howling for your blood and before I join them, I have one question. Today is my birthday. You promised you'd get me something and... and I'm afraid to ask. Maybe you should trust that instinct and not ask.

If he crosses me one more time, just once more, well, I can't be held responsible for my actions. Well, I hope Bob fed you 'cause I ate your dinners.

Never! Okay, you asked for it. I'm gonna enjoy this.

This is Kent Brockman... at the scene of a level three rhino alert. Authorities say there's no immediate danger to anyone-- except those three luckless people whom we'll identify... once the rhinos spit out their wallets.

No, I want to do the crossword puzzle ! - I said, give me that puzzle. - No. - Give me ! Give me ! - No ! NO ! Heh-heh-heh. Well, I guess I can't help you, but I know someone who can.

Grape. Mmm. Hello, Annette. How's life, handsome? Take a penny, leave a penny.

Excellent. Not a trace of urine. Seymour, you run a tight ship. Well, you know what they say, sir. "Where there's no smoke, there's no fire." What an odd remark. Why, that looks like a 50-cent piece. I'll just bend over and get it. Seems to be caught... between these two flowers.

Oh! Oh, yeah! Well, we better start our Love Day cleanup. You kids take care of the wrapping paper. I'm going to dismantle Love Land. What a terrible waste.

I think he's having a heart attack!

Thanks for calling, kids. A new message every day. Maggie! Bart, I asked you to watch your sister. I tried to stop her, but she overpowered me. Who stole my shirt? Who stole my shirt?! I washed it. Thank you, Marge. Ahh! Pink?! I can't wear pink to work.

What the hell's goin' on? Well, we hated being mad at you, Homer. So we decided to make things right. Consider your debt repaid, neighbor. And then some.

I think I'll write your performance evaluation now, Simpson.

A caller, at this hour? You dial "9-1," then when I say so, dial "1" again. Milhouse, please. Bart, I can't play now. It's 2:00 a.m. Milhouse, I gotta have my soul back. I'll do anything you want.

She's mine ! Close to you

D'oh! MARGE: "As Temperance watched the two men she had loved "and the one whale she admired disappear into the ocean, "she realized it was the end." (SIREN WAILING) Flanders, pull over! I'm an ambulance!

Mmm. Face it. You can't keep up with the go-go '90s. Well, Marge. You're about as popular as rug burn. All in favor of expelling Marge from the investorettes-- Aye.

That's it! Cinch it up around the neck. This is a gross misuse of school property. Where are the dodge balls? Ow! Ow! Ohh! All right. That's it. I'm writing all your names on the detention list in my mind.

All right, brain. You don't like me, and I don't like you, but let's just do this and I can get back to killing you with beer. It's a deal!

Will you all stop worrying about that stupid comet? It's going to be destroyed. Didn't you hear what that guy in the building said? But, Dad, don't you think-- Uh! Lisa! The whole reason we have elected officials... is so we don't have to think all the time.

I am. I've been blind. The signs all pointed to a rogue hall monitor. Sorry I betrayed your trust, Principal "Sucker." In light of your recent service to the school I've decided to be lenient. 400 days detention.

Well, Your Honor, the court carries it well. Silence. I rule in favor of Marge Simpson.

Don't worry. Marge'll fix everything. Honey, your food is getting cold. That's all right. Lisa, I'm very sorry about what happened.

How would you've liked it if someone told you that you couldn't watch the moon landing? Hmm. That's one small step for man. One giant leap for mankind.

Pay your debt! We demand remittance. Please, calm down! We can work something out. We Germans are not a warlike people, but even we have limits! Right! Let's bash a noggin! Yeah, get her! That's the spirit! You guys should relax. You'll live longer.

A koi pond! It's beautiful! Oh, you sweet, wonderful man-child. I finally have a peaceful place to sit and hear my own thoughts. How much money did he piss away on this?

He's talking funny talk.

What, the rock tumbler or the TV? The TV! The TV!

It's different. I'll give you that. It's a tool that every home handyman needs. It's a jigsaw. It's a power drill. It's a wood-turning lathe. It's an asphalt spreader. It's 67 tools in one ! How much would you pay for a machine that can do all this ? One thousand dollars. Oh, sorry. Oh, don't answer yet.

Aw, hell! Diddily-ding-dong crap! Can't you morons do anything right? - Hey! - Ned, we meant well. And everyone here tried their best. Well, my family and I can't live in good intentions, Marge!

- Thanks, Mom. - Sweet dreams, boys.

"De fault"! Whoo-hoo! The two sweetest words in the English language. De fault, de fault, de-- Where'd you get that anyway? Sent away. The Itchy and Scratchy Show

You know, Marge, we're great parents. O Lord, on this blessed day,

Apu. Remember me? Obviously not. I am the god Ganesh! This wedding angers me! All will die unless it is stopped. Oh, God. Please! Listen to me!

This woman, however, is an imposter! (ALL GASPING)

Bart! Have you started smoking? No.

Never have I seen you look so unhappy while purchasing such a large quantity of ice cream. The reason I look unhappy is that tonight... I have to see a slide show starring my wife's sisters. Or as I call 'em, the Gruesome Twosome. Ow, my foot, you lousy, stupid, clumsy-- Sorry, pal.

Don't let 'em get to you, lass. I'm too good for this place too. Now run home to your shack. I live in a house. Well, la-dee-da, college girl! Well, I guess you're too good for me too! Oh, lookit--

Back to American soil! Yes!

I feel terrible for putting you through this... after what a wonderful father youve been. Oh. Lisa, I cant lie to you any longer. This is all my fault. I'm the worst dad in the world. What? Why? The man who framed you is a crooked detective, who I hired.

I'm 64 grand in the hole! They're gonna take my thumbs!

I've never seen him like that. Forget about your father! You're driving for me now. Do it for your old man, boy. Simpson, prepare to die. Let's rock.

I must get back to my hotel and practice my affectations for tomorrow. Bonsoir! What do we owe you, Moe? Nothing, nothing. just give me a priceless sketch with a certificate of authenticity. All right. Hey, Moe! Can I pay with a drawing?

As a natural enemy, I don't know why I should care, but the information pertaining to America's colonial period that you just received... is erroneous. So you're saying-- A blindfolded chimp with a pencil in his teeth... has a better chance of passing this test than you do. Thanks for the pep talk.

Oh! She got it open.

I could have at least stayed in shape for her. Oh, and for yourself. I could have taken just a little time to-- to make her feel special. It can't just be sex. It can't! God, I was so self-centered! No wonder I didn't see it coming. That's how it is though. One day your wife is making you your favorite meal,

- Us, Mrs. Krabappel ? - Yes, Sherri and Terri. They know how to behave.

I'll just put it where nobody'll find it for a million years. So, now you know the whole true story of nuclear energy, our no longer misunderstood friend. So, keep on smilin'. Now, let's have even more fun.

Sorry. Boy, these cars are surprisingly roomy. Yeah, we like to bring our families along on the longer races.

I want you to forget about guarding the stupid sugar. - You're being completely paranoid. - Oh, am I? Am I really? Aha! Hello. All right, pal, where'd you get the sugar for that tea? I nicked it when you let your guard down for that split second. And I'd do it again.

ran across six states to avoid his creditors. You got all your equipment, Dad? Let's see. Sweatbands, check. Anti-chafing nipple tape, check, check, and check. Attention, runners. On your mark, get set, now get outta here before I change my mind.

No ! Dad ! Dad ! This is our pet. We can question his integrity and disposition, but we can't question his heart. Are you trying to teach us that the way to solve a problem... with something you love is to throw it away ?

It's like Simon Says without a winner. Mom, that's blasphemy. I'll say a rosary for you. Don't you touch bead one! (GRUNTS) Homer, maybe we should be concerned. Catholics can be a peculiar bunch. No birth control, no meat on Friday. No meat? What do they eat? Light bulbs?

It will be like taking candy from a baby. Say, that sounds like a "larf." Let's try it right now. Eh, oh, there's some candy right here, sir. - Why don't we eat this instead of stealing? - Oh, very well. Mmm. Mmm.

(GUNS COCKING) Hey, what are you... You're under arrest. Wait a minute. How can you arrest Homer? This guy's the one what done the thing that why you're here for. I'm talking malfeasance here. All right. I admit it. I did run Ziff Corp. into the ground. And this man took me into his home when no one else would.

Oh, that was scary. We came this close to losing our spare Christmas tree stand. You monster! Look! Here's the box for my Pitch Back. If I still had it, I could put it in here!

You shouldn't do that.

Gulp 'n' Blow. Yeah, what do you want? My husband by my side. You want fries with that? Homer?! Marge?! Homer! Marge! Holy cow, you're as big as a house!

Ha. That's right. This part/s boring. Everything here is for babies.

The only people who are going to be freaked out are our stockholders!

I've been gambling since I was eight and hocking jewelry since I was 12.

Well, not like Bart. But there's gotta be a happy medium. Well, you know, Bart was looking at that racy movie today, and Lisa's losing a little respect for you. Hmm, maybe we should think about unhooking the cable. Unhook it ? But I love cable !

- I'll get you a couple of mops. - Mops?

What can I do to speed the whole thing up, Doctor? Ah, be creative. Instead of making sandwiches with bread, use Pop-Tarts. Instead of chewing gum, chew bacon.

Two Krusty shakes, a doughnut burger with cheese... and a party-size bucket of flan.

Time to repress another memory. I... am... at... Disneyland.

Barney sucked it dry. Cut his gums up pretty bad. Ohh! Take it easy, Homer. I learned how to make other drinks at bartender's school. Gin and... tonic? Do they mix? Hey, I know a good drink. Really hits the spot.

Well, if it'll seal the deal, I'll take a look at your septic tank, see if I can get her humming again. Deal! See, Flanders? You give a little, you get a little. Hello, Mr. Brown Ground. What you got for me? And you're sure the Flanderses won't be there?

He quit blinking. He says that's when they get you. I had a feeling this might happen. This carboxyl group sometimes causes problems. After we trusted you! I think we should take him off the drug. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! You can't just go "off" Focusyn. But we can ease Bart onto one of its sister drugs,

And he is so funny you could plotz. At least according to his press release. Well, if he's half as alive as you say he is, he's in.

This is way better than camp. No mosquitoes, no stupid camp songs. If you're happy and you know it shop at Stan's Giant discounts on your favorite major brands Attention, shoppers. The mall is now closed.

Mom, Dad! Bart's dead!

- Am I turning you on? - No. What if I undo this button? Good night, Homer. What if I talk like this? What if I sing to you?

Hey, Louis, watch this. Ow! Bart, do something! Let's go, Milhouse. Sure, we have order. But at what price?

Ned, are you okay? There has to be someone who saw him. Someone who doesn't hate me, like Flanders and Bart. (GASPS) Wait! The bartender at Knockers! I called that bosom bar. The bartender said you were there alone. Ray's a figment of your imagination, Homer.

I wanted a sewing room, but not like this. Not like this! Mom, youve always been cool to me... but Homer is a lousy dad, and I'm not gonna take it anymore! Hey, my dad was lousy, and I didnt sue him. ljust dumped him in the cheapest home I could find.

HOMER: (GRUNTS) Got him! Uh-oh. What am I not invited to this time? Gay wedding, but I can get you in. You can? Is there an open bar? No, cash. Well, I say this whole thing is against nature.

Well, that's obvious. He doesn't even know. - (GRUNTS) - (GROANS)

Judge Snyder? While we're young? Oh, sorry. Oh, my. Looks like you were the ringleader in this car theft! And that's a felony!

Why, Marge, I believe you're supposed to scratch your ass with it. Homer, watch your la-- Ohh! That's a lifesaver. Man, this is livin'.

Ah, haven't seen anything like it since jolson. Who is he ? That's Homer Simpson, sir. He used to work here in the plant, but we fired him for gross incompetence.

Would you look at those Simpson kids? Last year it was Razor scooters, this year they're driving RVs. When I was a kid, my mom would give me an empty egg carton and I'd pretend it was a spaceship to the moon. You'll never guess what I used for astronauts. I'm going to say eggs.

A big, dumb, balding, North American ape with no chin. And a short temper. I'll show you a big, dumb, balding ape ! Uh-oh. Kwyjibo on the loose.

Okay. Mountain climbing supplies.

Actually, that was Pontiac, Michigan. Thirty-eight pins going into the eighth. That's right. Well, he's stepping up now. He needs to get at least a spare.

I don't know! Ehh! Hmm. What?

Wow, thanks. Now I have four children. You will be called "Stitchface."

Congratulations. You and your family are going to Washington. Wa-hoo! Who would have guessed... Reading and writing would pay off?

Ah, Westminster Abbey. Edward the Confessor himself could not have done better. Now to set the clocks to Greenwich mean time. My dear abbey!

Well, I-- Okay. We could try selling liquor. Uh, I'm doing great. Please, sir. Put some shoes on. What? You don't like my bags? People, these are all good ideas-- No, they're not. They're terrible, terrible ideas.

Now, come on, you two. What time does your little truck game start ? 8:00, but what does it matter ? Well, Lisa's recital starts at 5:00. We can go to both. Marge, you're a genius ! People, let's have good assembly manners, please, hmm ? People ! People !

He is ? Yeah. Remember the fight he put up when we put him in the home ? I'm here to see Grandpa. Half the people here are named Grandpa. Well, Grandpa Simpson then. Second floor, third dank room on the left. Thanks, lady.

Maybe you're right. I did always want to go to college. But fate stood in the way.

Thank God. He's always drunk and violent.

Oh, well, this may be a dirty job, but the big guys at the top work even harder.

would you guys like to appear on a Krusty the Clown special? Sure, if you can get us out of this gig. No problemo. Hey, Moe, look over there. What? What am I lookin' at? I don't see nothin'. I'm gonna stop looking soon. What? What, is that it? Hey, Moe, can I look too? Sure, but it'll cost ya. My wallet's in the car.

D'oh, d'oh, d'oh. Hey, you okay, Grimey? I'm better than okay. I'm Homer Simpson. You wish. Oh, hi, Mr. Burns. I'm the worst worker in the world. Time to go home to my mansion and eat my lobster.

Spring break! Spring break! Spring break! Oh, no! We came during spring break!

There's Shannen Doherty. - Didn't you have a thing with her? - Don't go there!

Oh, come on, Luann. You know what this is.

Tell me one thing mankind's ever done that's any better. The Renaissance. This is better. Let's book 'em and roll. And that's the end of that chapter. You men saved my bank. I'd like to donate $40 to charity in your honor. But, uh, I don't know your names. Lance Kaufman.

The worm has turned, has it not, my tin-plated friend? Look at you-- You who were once so proud. Feel the wrath of the left hand of Burns. My life today. Wow! What an icebreaker. Left-handed ledgers. Now, I can write all the way to the edge.

is the same day we realized we liked you. The timing worked out great, don't you think? Hi. Hi. Hey, guys. Sign my cast? Sign my cast? Guys?

Th-Thank you. Well, that's the funeral, folks. We'll be sitting shivah at the Friar's Club at 7:00 p.m., and again at 10:00. You must be over 18 for the 10:00. It gets a little blue.

Boy for sale. Boy for sale. Is this legal, man? Only here and in Mississippi.

Oh, Lisa, you and your stories. "Bart is a vampire." "Beer kills brain cells." Now, let's go back to that... building thingy... where our beds and TV... is.

Oh, where can he be ? Marge ! Marge ! Homer ! There's no time to explain. Love you. Love you. Love you. I wrote a poem for you this afternoon, Homer. - It's called "To a Husband." - Okay, okay.

Why can't we be friends why can't we be friends why can't we be friends why can't we be friEnds Your boy looks a little soft, Moe. You do remember our arrangement?

Well, that's a world of difference. Light me up, Doc! When you're getting juiced, can you hold my turtle? I want to bring him back to life. Aw... What did he die of? I don't know. He was dead when I found him. (WHIMPERING) Homer, that's just to bite on, not to eat.

I also have to go. Boo! Krusty, the acoustics in here-- I appreciate the effort, kid. But there's only one thing left for me to do. Thank you for coming. "Smart lads who slip at times away...

No more blood drives or charity walks. Dad, I know we don't do a lot together, but helping you gain 61 pounds is something I want to be a part of. Dad! I must protest. You're abusing a program... intended to help the unfortunate. I'm not saying it isn't sleazy, honey. But try to see it my way.

I'm outta here.

Turkeys, the only animal smarter than man. What the hell is that? A turkey! Dad's gonna slaughter that poor turkey! Not if I scare it away with this cougar call. You did it, Moe!

Pass ketchup. You'll have to do better than that tonight, chump.

I hope you're all satisfied. You bankrupted a bunch of naive movie folks. Folks from a Hollywood where values are different. They weren't thinking about the money. They just wanted to tell a story. A story about a radioactive man,

Hey, look, Marge. They're still not fighting back.

Oh, honey, you missed a great race. Bart was winning. Then he said, "This is stupid." And he stopped, and I won! Dad, I am trying to do my homework. Hmm. Hey, you're mad at me. That wasn't your mayonnaise, was it?

Marge, we'll just get this cast off and you can go home to-- Oh, my Lord! Well, it has been a week. Code blue! A thousand c.c.'s of leg wax! Stat! Lazy, no-good lepers. Making me clean everything myself. Hey, uh, is Homer there?

Please, Dad. Please, Dad. Please, Dad. Please, Dad. No. No. No. No. Please, Dad. Please, Dad. Please, Dad. No. No. No ! Now, look, son, we all know that usually when you bug me like this, I give in, so I'm not mad at you for trying. Shows you've been paying attention. But we all know I'm not gonna give you $100. Now, are you gonna stop bugging me ? Are you ? Are you ?

Bart, have you ever read "The Boy Who Cried Wolf"? I'm halfway through it! I swear! Marge, what are you doing? It's lunchtime. I'll just be a minute. I have to finish this paperwork.

Whoever has that stamp on his hand is insane.

But I'm sure one more french fry wouldn't hurt.

Don't push. There's plenty of tomacco for everyone.

Go forth and spread the word. Spread it! Bart, I hope you don't believe your own hype. Number of miracles performed by Bart, two. Number performed by Lisa, zero.

You better get the entire force working on this. But, Chief, we are the entire force. Okay. We gotta start recruiting, Lou. Ach! Look at all those shards of glass! I'll catch 'em on my tongue for luck. Ow! Ow!

I have hair. I have hair ! I have hair ! Look ! Look ! Good morning, Springfield ! Good morning, Mr. and Mrs. Winfield ! Why don't you get a haircut, you hippie !

and several of the pages are just drawings of the time machine. So you're saying you don't want to star in my movie? I'm sorry, Homer. Well, if Alec is out, I'm out too. You're on your own, Potsie. "The Terminizer: An Erotic Thriller." So I'm in the grocery store the other day, buying some cotton balls. The absorbent kind?

You're being swept under the rug for the superintendent's visit. Enjoy.

(SNARLING) (WHIMPERS)

"Two roads diverged in a yellow wood, and--" Homer! All in favor of skipping the poem. Thank you. "And that has made all the difference."

Hey, where's my melon?

Lisa! Okay. You found out I'm an overachieving bookworm. So whatever mean prank you're pulling, just finish it up and send me a Polaroid. I'm going to sleep. Wait, Lisa! Look. Huh? Oh!

Moe! Homer! Aaah! The booze!

Oh, yeah. So good. Oh, that explains his mysterious trip to Holland.

It took years of effort. I've never been afraid of hard work. That's the spirit.

I'll start with a couple of pizzas, then a complimentary tango lesson. And I'll cap it off with a smooth, refreshing colonic. Um, Dad? do you like piÑA colonics and getting caUght in the rain caSting out in the ocean

You'd think that would deter me, but no. Look. Please, can you just take the children home? The porno magazine buyers are too embarrassed to make their move. Look. Come on.

If ifs and buts were candy and nuts--

No, I don't think we'll be telling them that.

It passed the First test-- I didn't go blind.

Tungsten! Ooh, look at all these clever pencil holders. Ooh, I wanna get the Kronk. You don't want something that overshadows the pencils. How about this PÖpli? Mom, no. Everyone at school picks on the PÖpli kids.

In other news, uh...

Hmm. April Foo--

Wanna see my picture I drew? Lieutenant Simpson, you've been up for hours. Take a nap. You're no good to us cranky. But I'm not tired.

We just spliced in some home movies. What do you think? Well, I'd rather reserve judgment until I-- Oh, my God! I'll mace you good! That is completely taken out of context!

I imagine I'm the janitor, and you're... the janitor's wife, who has to live with me in the utility room.

Don't you-- I'll kill you. Homer Simpson, you're under arrest...

Sick, on test day.

How could you afford this? I hustled a lot of pool. Hey, you want to play? I gotta warn ya. I ain't that good. (LAUGHS) All right. Sucker. (GRUNTS) Who's the sucker now? Huh?

Oh! That was close. Bart, look at the watch! Milhouse, we broke the watch! Do you realize what this means? Yeah, but you say it first.

It's not a comedy. Oh. Attention! This is the Coast Guard. A 50-foot tidal wave is heading this way. All game shows off the beach! Everybody up here to my square.

Not gonna happen. - Whoa, man. - Whoa nothing. I'm gonna do something your daddy should've done a long time ago.

I notice that skylight in your bedroom's broken. Yeah, I'm not sure we need an assistant, Mr. Simpson. Please. Homer. Come on. If you let me hang around a while, I can do all kinds of stuff for ya. Well, we are down to our last roll of toilet paper. And I have been brushing my teeth with hair gel for a week. I suppose we could give it a try. Yeah, you owe me that much.

Well, Homer, you've driven away the best neighbor a family could ever want. But at least we have a chance to start fresh. So let's be on our best behavior, okay?

Oh, I only got $100. I better bid shrewdly.

That's just the engine powering up. That's just the engine struggling. That's just a carp swimming around your ankles.

(GASPS) Bart, turn away from that screen and look out the window! No problemo. (BOTH GIGGLING)

Where are they going? Hey, wait up! They left without me. Oh, Lisa? I've got an extra seat, and you've got an extra lunch. Catch my drift? Milhouse, lower those eyebrows.

Especially Lisa! But especially Bart! If he crosses me one more time, just once more, well, I can't be held responsible for my actions. Well, I hope Bob fed you 'cause I ate your dinners. I know it's hard to accept, Bart, but face it. Sideshow Bob has changed.

Oh, what a tragedy. That car was just two days away from retirement.

Workin' 9 to 5 what A way to make A livin' ...and when ye tallow hardens, we remove it from yon mold. What a crappy candle. You've ruined our vacation.

Homer, I'm telling you. This is not the interstate. Maps. Shouldn't we stop somewhere and ask for directions ?

Tough crowd. Better bring out the big guns. Here's an impression of Mr. Burns that you might find a little cheeky.

I better open you up. (GASPS) Dad? Bart, I'm sorry. I could never build a robot this awesome. I'm a fraud! So you fought all those robots?

What's this? You put that sticker on your car so you won't get any tickets. And this other one keeps paramedics from stealing your wallet... while they're working on you. And don't bother calling 911 anymore. Here's the real number. Oh.

I just got a bunch of fruity Easter eggs. Ew! Another liver transplant. Oh, no. Not again! You're not gettin' away that easy, little fella.

I knew we shouldn't have put a fireplace in the bedroom.

Ooh! - Ahh! - Eee! Mom, you are looking fabulous!

Ow! Want a chocolate? Hold it right there, Forrest Plump! This town has laws against impersonating movie characters. Oh, behave! Uh-- Oh.

We're not so different. Gimme a hug! Jeez, I don't know why bear hugs enjoy such a great reputation.

You're done. Next! Dad, I'm tired of bathing in the yard. Plus, I think Rod and Todd are watching. No, we're not! Okay, bikers, that's it! Benjamin Franklin once said that houseguests are like fish at-- at--

He's getting away! Oh, not the Harrier! We've got a war tomorrow. God bless the idiot-proof Air Force. They're gone!

Uh, yeah. I need something that'll keep me awake, alert and reckless all night long. Well, Congress is racing back to Washington to outlaw these. Sold! Hey, you can't that many pep pills at once. No problem. I'll balance it out with a bottle of sleeping pills.

Me mind on fire Me soul on fire What a charming neighborhood. Mom, these are slums.

Not a thing. Now, for another opinion. Hi, kids ! Krusty, please. We're giving you an opportunity to participate in a serious discussion here. Oh, I'm sorry, Kent. Just, when the camera gets on me, I-- Hey-Hey ! Krusty ! Oh. Sorry.

Dad, I don't think this is such a good idea. Thank you, Marge.

I'll show you how to order pizza over the Internet. The Internet? Is that thing still around? I know a Web site that shows monkeys doin' it.

"Zabar, Kresge, Caldor, Wal-Mart!" It's not working. Bart, you cast the wrong spell. Zombies!

Christmas trees for the girls and bloody spearheads for Bart. Aw, thanks, Mom. This year's tree is just perfect. That old aluminium one was so fake. I couldn't agree more.

Seymour, what's with the good grub? Well, perhaps I ought to let you folks in on a secret. Do you remember me telling jimbo jones... that I'd make something of him one day? Are you saying you killed jimbo, processed his carcass and served him for lunch? Ha!

Aw, aren't they sweet? Any medical things I should know about? Yes, probably! Why, Homer, your surgical incision is completely healed. I owe it all to my rewarding work with children. And not picking at it. Ah, yes, how is your day care center doing?

Lois Pennycandy, Krusty the Clown's assistant. Hello, Mrs. Pennycandy.

Here, take this for luck. Your sax! Thank you so much! Now, I have learned that most of the orchestra is having their appendixes removed.

And Larry and I have so much in common, Marge, way more than you and me. If I could be stranded on an island with anyone, it would definitely be Larry. I think we've heard enough about Larry Burns for one evening. Why? It's not like anything interesting happened to anyone else today.

That's your trick? No. Here's my trick. Hoowah!

You're right. First thing tomorrow, I'm gonna punch Lenny in the back of the head. Batten down those cowlicks. Straighten that part. Uncross those eyes, mister. But I can't!

Well, I wouldn't be happy. Oh, Homie. Love means never having to say... A whole canoe made of baloney? (LAUGHING) Bart, stop fooling with the remote! Lisa made me with a witch's spell! It's called Wicca, and it's empowering! Wicca's a Hollywood fad!

One Tower of Babel and build it to heaven. To heaven! Oh. Christ be with you.

"Max Power"? Dynamic, isn't it? I love it, Max. You changed your name without consulting me? That's the way Max Power is, Marge-- decisive, uncompromising and rude. Oh, wait a minute! The family name is my legacy to you!

Strike ! That's three in a row. Let's see that one again. The throw. There it is. Here it comes. Note the excellent wrist-- just about to go in the gutter, and then a nice spin.

But I'm sure we can prove 'em wrong by spending the weekend there. Hididilly-ho, neighbor! Get lost, Flanders. Okilly-dokilly.

Oh, right. Yeah, the guns.

What do you call it? It's called a Flaming... ...Moe! It's called a Flaming Moe. That's right, a Flaming Moe. My name is Moe, and I invented it. What are you looking at, Homer? It's A flaming moe.

It's looking good, Mr. Simpson. It's looking very, very good.

Can I please go to the movie? I know my punishment might seem a little harsh, but I can't go back on it. - You're welcome to watch anything you want on TV. - TV sucks.

Hi, everybody! Ho... mer Simp... son. Okay, that was a little strange. Um, tell me, how you feeling today? Homer... Simpson. Homer. D'oh, Simpson. Hmm, that seems to be all you can say.

Aw, the poor thing's in pain. What he needs is a visit from kindly old Dr. Foot. Hold it right there, Dr. Foot. You're about to kill an endangered species-- the screamapillar.

"Meet me at the Eliminator after lights out. P.S. The cadets are planning to throw their meatballs at you."

Well, that's it. I've lost them forever. Now I'd like to introduce you to Lunch Lady Doris,

Hold on. I'll check. Oliver Klozoff ! Call for Oliver Klozoff !

And stand by to resume learning in five, four, three, two-- Ugh!

(MAGGIE GIGGLING) Got Your Nose and Other Lies. (READING) (LAUGHING) I'm slapping this sucker right over "Support Our Troops."

I guess that fear I always had of you stealing Homer away is unfounded. (BOTH SPITTING) Marge, I'd be a lot more worried about me leaving you for a sausage patty than your sister, Patty. (LAUGHS) (SCREAMS) Next time it'll be your eye. Marge, did you really think I was straight? Well, I guess I should have seen the signs.

Now, if anyone would like to stay, I'm going to hold a comprehensive review session after every class. Do we have to? No. Then kiss my curvy butt good-bye.

We were robbed?

My old gimpy knee has gone akimbo again.

Final score: Bart, 41. Homer-- Let's see. Six plus six plus six plus six plus six plus-- Never mind !

Hello, Mother. Hello, Father. I missed you during my uneventful absence. Oh, Lisa, you and your stories. "Bart is a vampire." "Beer kills brain cells." Now, let's go back to that... building thingy...

Great material. We'll be right back. Sit perfectly still. Only I may dance. "just do the line." "just do the line." What's gonna happen to me?

which absorbed the light reflected from Ray the roofer. That seems feasible. (ALL CHEERING) Wait. There's still one last thing that doesn't make sense.

Ha, ha, ha ! Oh.

And our new number one hit "I Do Believe We're Naked"

Wow! I can't believe we're going to Disneyland. Hey, where's all your luggage?

Hmph! Friends with mutants. Right! Now that's the Marge I married. So, who wants to steal some Ferraris? I do! I do! I do!

I already bought a giant ham for dinner. It's gonna go to waste. Don't talk about food. I'm so hungry. Well, good-bye. Well, good-bye. Wait. I've got an idea. - An idea? - Huh?

Wow, it really works!

we have an opportunity to bend this town over our knee... and give it a pranking it will never forget. Here's what we do. Here's a float saluting the Native Americans, who taught us how to celebrate Thanksgiving. Interesting sidenote on this float: The papier-mâché is composed entirely of broken treaties.

One sec. Testing, black box. One, two. She's all yours, friend.

All right! Today, we're gonna find out which of these bartenders... has the right stuff to dispense Duff?

Looks like we got us some intruders. Who's in there? If somebody's in here, you're in for some serious ass forkin'!

Listen, honey, a lot of kids think of me as their daddy. But I'm just a simple TV legend. Here, have a key chain. No. I'm sure you're my father. You met my mom during the Gulf War. Ohh. Was your mother an Israeli flight attendant? No.

Skinner, l was a little wary... of bringing these veterans of lwo Jima to tour your school... but I see my fears were unfounded. Thank you, sir. And what more fitting finale than to gaze reverently at Old Glory?

Our dad! Now he belongs to the ages.

Eat my short stories!

well, it doesn't take a Bart Simpson to figure out that something's wrong. Tell me. Is the class moving too slowly for you ? Lord, no. Well, then, what can we do to make you happy ? I wanna go back to my old class. Oh, but, Bart, don't you remember the boredom, the ennui, the intellectual malaise ? Yeah, well, you know, kinda, um,

Oh, that-- that's my old spit bucket. Yeah, I've been meanin' to empty that out. You know Lucius Sweet? He's one of the biggest names in boxing. He's exactly as rich and as famous as Don King, and he looks just like him too. Yeah, he was my manager. Back when I was Gorgeous, everybody wanted a piece of me.

Well, I think the veal might have died of loneliness.

Then it all changed when they got the vote and started tinkering with our memories. There he sits with a pen and a yellow pad

And you were pretty good, too. (LAUGHING) Oh! (INHALES DEEPLY) Selma, you've made a new man of me. Thanks to your angry love, I can no longer sit by selfishly while another suffers for my book cooking.

Care for a drumstick, Hugo? Mom, Hugo's eating his napkin. - He's so cute. - Ah, he's a cute guy. Hey, can I have some turkey? Oh, you finish your fish heads, then we'll talk.

MAN: Some trees are big. Some trees are small. But all trees have bark. Except for poplar, ash and maple. (PEOPLE EXCLAIMING)

Oh! I'm never gonna be disabled. I'm sick of being so healthy.

and of course, the five-story pig shredder blessed by three popes. If you like bacon, you're gonna love it. And if you don't like bacon, well, then the hell with ya! I'm going to find that golden ticket and win that tour! The only thing that can make bacon more delicious is seeing how it's made!

And now we come to Mr. Homer Simpson. Did you know he likes to eat out of the Flanders' garbage? Oh, Homer. I have a problem. Tune in tomorrow and every day until the curfew is lifted... because we'll be revealing embarrassing secrets about Springfield's other adults.

We're too late! I shouldn't have stopped for that haircut. Sorry. Actually, you see, the doors on Star Trek were not mechanical. We had a stagehand on either side...

That too. He also invented the phonograph, the microphone and the electric car. No one man can do all that. You're a liar, honey-- a dirty, rotten liar. Finish her! Finish her! It's true. I read it on a place mat at a restaurant. Really? A restaurant? Well, now I don't know what to think.

- What happens when we're overrun by lizards? - No problem. We simply unleash wave after wave of Chinese needle snakes. They'll wipe out the lizards. But aren't the snakes even worse? Yes, but we're prepared for that. We've lined up a fabulous type of gorilla that thrives on snake meat.

Oh, enchiladas!

I'm the greatest hero in English history. Joan of Arc, you are accused of heresy, witchcraft, and that man told me you pushed him. I would like to call my only witness-- Almighty God.

There's hours of time on the telephone line Talking about things to come Sweet dreams and flying machines In pieces on the ground Uh-- Sweet dreams and flying machines

this film will scare the pants off of ya. Aah! Guys, guys! This is the wrong movie.

Hey, check it out. I'm surfing the net. Oh, that's good. His clowning around is putting me at ease. No. Yes! We win again. Will you get serious, Homer? I'd like to win at least once.

I first met Homer in 1927 in a bar in Brooklyn. Little did I know he would soon become Mrs. Joe DiMaggio, and-- Roll the clips!

Extra cheese? What do you take me for?

I really enjoyed your sermon... particularly the part about the pin in the gutter on Lane 15. That wasnt me. That was the manager. Are you sure? Because it really spoke to me. Marge, it's as plain as the bruise on my shin.

Uh, sir, we found the problem. Some idiot threw this in the reactor core.

Apu, that scuzbag Mo. I'm not going to forget this, dudes. I'm going to totally kill both of you. And don't forget Bart Simpson. He's a witness too. Right, Barty? Oh. Oh, you are So dead, little dude.

"Vent radioactive gas?" N-O.

Should I have my father arrested ? Well, Lisa, on the surface that would appear to be an ideal solution to the problem. But remember the Fifth Commandment: "Honor thy father and thy mother." Hmm, Lisa, I would like to see you set an example... by not watching the offending technology yourself. Thank you, Reverend Lovejoy.

I'm a faded Southern dame Without a dime I'm collecting for the Evening Star.

Do you promise? Just go. Oh, he'll sleep tonight.

Get in the car, Milhouse. This isn't over! I'll fight you with every lunch half-hour I get! Oh! Speaking of which... (HUMMING) It's gonna be tough to be peppy today. Tell me about it.

What about our dad? Ah! 206 bones, 50 miles of small intestine, full, pouting lips. Why, this fellow is less a snowman than a god! Well, we've managed to stave off cabin fever for a few hours.

Don't stop talking on account of me. I may be a cop, but I'm still your friend. So how are you, Mrs. Krabappel? Law abiding. I'm done.

Hope you enjoyed that, kids, 'cause Krusty's outta here for the summer. In the meantime, we'll be running-- "Klassic Krusty." Enjoy!

Oh, you stupid son of a... Homer, I'm so mad at you.

Huh? Hey, check this out. I can unhinge all my joints at once. - Doing anything tonight, blue eyes? - Ew.

Hey! How long have you been back there? Three days.

Ohh, one thing I'm good at, and I can't do it anymore. Homie, you're good at lots of things. Like what? Like snuggling. Yeah, but none of my friends can watch me.

Everyone laugh at the funny joke! Ha-ha!

There you go, fellas. D'oh!

on the sanctity of deliciousness, the noid. That's it! Quiet, Lisa. Everyone in the store is looking at you. They should take a good look at themselves and what their church has become!

And I don't know what that is, because everybody has always done what I say.

Homer ! Ow ! Whew ! Whew ! Neither man showing his best form.

Pick one. I am "Burger With Fries." Man, is that uninspired.

Dad, I admit I have some problems, but drugs aren't the answer. Why, you little--

Studies show the part of the brain that remembers dance steps is also the anger center. So juveniles who know how to fox-trot are 10% less likely to commit a double homicide.

Hey, Homer, do you remember this voice? Kathleen Turner? No! It's me, Krusty! And you're at the Springfield Friars Club! Where tonight we're roasting you, Homer Simpson!

Move the net under the window! There's no net! I always thought cats were just for losers who live in apartments... until my life was saved by this sweet little kitty. Ooh. But as for you, Santa's Little Helper,

Prickers! Huh? What?

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. I sleuthed my ass off on this one. Okay. This is a number 6 from somebody's address... or is it a 9?

That was no accident. Shame on you, Nelson. Cram it, ma'am. Stand back and watch the pro. Shouldn't you put on a batting helmet? Nah. They mess up my hair.

Hand over all your money. Was it scary? Uh-huh. Ooh, baby. Uh-oh. So, girlie, you like roller-skating?

whose home was cruelly taken away. Yeah. By you! Groundskeeper Willie! Um, uh, so you're the immigrant I'm here to help. Help? You destroyed my house... and reduced me to livin' in a dump. Groundskeeper Willie, furious with the government that let him down.

And finally, Malloy, unlike most retired people, has the world's largest cubic zirconia on his coffee table. Aw, Dad, I could kiss ya! Kiss me right here. It's the only part that still has feeling. - Mwah! - Hmm. No, wait! I know where the burglar is!

Do you want to hear my award-winning secret? Human interest stories. They tug at the heart and fog the mind. Observe. Hear that? It's the sound of children's laughter... silenced. That's because tomorrow this old carousel,

I didn't do it. I didn't do it. Hey, proper.

Pinch-hitting for me?! Yes. You're a left-hander and so is the pitcher. If I send up a right-handed batter it's called playing the percentages. It's what smart managers do to win ball games. I've got nine home runs. You should be very proud. Sit down. Simpson! You're batting for Strawberry. I am? Whoo-hoo!

It is? Oh. Uh, wh-oa-oa! See, epidermis means hair. So technically it's true. That's what makes it so funny. Pardon me a moment.

Why don't you just say you're sorry, George? Because I'm right. Oh, no. I'm gonna fix their wagon good. I've pulled some pranks in my time. I-- I don't understand. Are you saying you and Barbara are bad neighbors? No! That's not Bar and me. It's them.

I'm only one man, Marge.

They're gone! Hell! Not the Wright Brothers' plane. The Smithsonian's gonna have my ass on a platter. Dad! Help!

Did you hear that? She said "burlap". I don't think so.

(GUNS COCKING) (GASPS) Drop the corn, tighty-whitey!

Well, let's just say I... hate crime.

Ahh, ballet. Hee-hee-hee. All right. Whoo-hoo! Yea! Yeah!

Meeting adjourned.

In a moment, we will show you a picture of the real Baby-sitter Bandit, Miss Lucille Botzcowski. Remember, she may be using a clever alias... Botz ! and should be considered armed and dangerous !

Oh, Yentl. I might have known. That Yentl puts the "she" in yeshiva. Hmm. Well, you've cooled down. That's what you think. You know, I rented another tape... in case you felt better.

Time is money. Ask the mask. What if I just do aerobics-

Ah, people buy 'em when they're small and cute, then they flush 'em down the toilet. Uh, yeah. I'll have the shark butt with butt sauce. Bart! Oh, excellent choice, sir.

What’s this? ts enormous! Oh, my God. There's another one! - Homer, let me explain something. - Explain later.

You're beautiful. Aw, somebody's in love. That means you'll have to be neutered. No!

Lord, I'm not turning my back on you. I just need to find a temple that's free of corruption. Why do you have to be so different? Always making a big deal out of everything.

What about Daddy-Daughter Day?! The new football season is only seven months away. So that's it. You just wanted me to help you gamble. You never wanted to be with me at all. You're a very selfish man.

It tells you exactly what's on the baby's mind. Maggie. Maggie. Where did you go? Peekaboo! Oh, there you are. Very amusing.

Wipeout. Bart, I'm going to get you-- some ice cream at the store...

We need more convicts in the dungeonarium. Dungeonarium. That's catchy. Well, I could beef up arrests by enforcing some of these old forgotten laws. (GRUNTS) (THUDS) Okey dokey. Let's see here. Ah! Here's one from 1834.

Uh, sir? You have to tell me what your plan is, or-- or nothing will happen. Oh, yes. Of course. The plan. - You see me as a god, right, Smithers? - Absolutely, sir. You'd kneel before me. Boy, would I! Yes. Uh, then I'll form my own religion with its own symbol.

"My dear one is departing, "but first please heed this call. "That always will I love you, my one, my love, my all." That was beautiful.

Hey, Mom. Thanks for coming out. Oh, thank you for stopping the tank. It ran out of gas. Oh. So, Bart-- Question. How about getting out of the tank, huh? Maybe stopping your rampage, huh? We could go to Krusty Burger. Okay, sure. Whew! Right after I blow up one thing.

It's not unusual Hi, Homer. How are you ? Hi, Marge. You look lovely tonight. And the house. You've done... whatever. Anybody mind if I serve as bartender ? I have a Ph.D. in mixology. College boy. Hey, Homer, care to try some of my Flanders Planters punch ?

Your churlish attitude reminds me of a time I was having dinner with Groucho-- Look, you're gonna be having dinner with Groucho tonight if you don't beat it!

Marge, no matter what happens in the future, promise me you won't vote for Lenny. Okay, but you've accomplished a lot.

(MARGE GASPS IN SURPRISE) Now we own you! But I haven't endorsed it yet! Football injury. (LAUGHS) Now why don't you just sign the check? Here, use my pen. Forget it.

- Why don't you sing a song for the nice people? - All right. CamptowN ladies Sing this song doo-dah doo-dah camptown race is five Miles long I was so sure. Hear ye. Hear ye. Everybody makes mistakes. Let's go home.

I know who'll save him.

Come on! Leave town! No. - I'll be your friend. - No. Oh, you're mean.

The Harrier jet is one of our more dollar-intensive, ordnance-delivery vectors. Five tires? Am I seeing things? Uh, and although it looks complicated, it's so well-designed, even a child could fly it. - Can I fly it? - Of course you cannot.

Ooh ! Hey, stop, cable man ! Stop ! What do you want ? Uh, uh, uh-- I want free cable ! So, this is okay, isn't it ? I mean, everybody does it, right ? What ? Oh, hey, if you're having second thoughts, just read this pamphlet.

Wipeout. Bart, I'm going to get you--

Uh, we'll wait for the next one. What are those, Grampa? These are hobo signs.

In the garden of Eden honey Don't you know that I love you - In the garden of Eden - baby Don't you know that I'll always be true

(BOTH GRUNTING) (GROANS) Wow! Up here, that feels good! Now dance, you heavenly gobs! (IRISH MUSIC PLAYING)

But don't tell Mom and Dad. Wouldn't it be great if that man and woman got together? Cool! It's Lesbians of the Caribbean! Yo, ho, ho It's an alternative lifestyle for me Ooh, a salute to brunch.

A man on a donkey! Never in my six weeks on the job have I seen the likes of this.

What are you up to, young lady? I'm reviewing the festival for our school paper. Oh. Well, I'm glad to see my ex-partner is doing so well without me.

Who may I say is speaking to me? Hello, chief. Let's talk. Why not? Uh, hello? Why am I Mr. Sparkle?

Huh? Hey, Benedict Arnold, our cups don't want your colorful balls! No one calls me unpatriotic! (EXCLAIMS) Uh-oh.

Yeah, nice to see you. Seymour, why is that student lying unconscious on the floor? Well, in many cases, the floor is the best-- Oh, look! Here comes Lumpy, the school snake. Help! Help! Oh, Lord.

I don't want them to see Snap, Crackle, and Pop down there. Sir, there's a big cardboard box out back that could keep them amused. They could make a fort. No, no. Just give them each a nickel and send them to Moe's. Let them while away the afternoon spilling their beer on gullets and trousers while drooling over French postcards. (GIGGLES)

Yeah. But you always wind up kidnapped or on a chain gang. And I don't even want to get into what happened on our honeymoon. HOMER: I still don't know why you had that photo enlarged. Oh, forget it. Bart, don't waste your money on me. (SIGHING) Great, lady. MILHOUSE: Look at the cross-hatching on Grover Cleveland's tie.

But it looks like you’re missing a piece. Looks like you’re missing a wife. I walked right into that one. He's right, Dad. We're missing that singer's head.

What the... Huh? Hello, Simpsons. ALL: Ooh. You broke in! We're big fans, Mr. Gladwell. Yeah. Nothing makes parents happier than when an eccentric single man takes an interest in their child.

D'oh! Oh, Doctor, I'm crazy.

You were going broke because we were your only customers. Wasn't that the problem in the first place, that you were going broke? Moe? Moe?

Roxie, get me Abraham Simpson.

Go find help, boy. No! Bad dog! Bad dog! Oh. Don't worry, Maggie. I'll think of something.

Are we gonna die, son? Yeah. But at least we'll take a lot of innocent people with us. Homer? Homer? Y'ello? Homer, there's a man here who thinks he can help you. Batman? No, he's a scientist. Batman's a scientist.

That's when the Rapture will begin. May 18th? That's one week from today! (GASPS) A week? That's... Seven days from now! (RINGING BELL) The world will end next week! Spend your children's college funds! Thaw that turkey now!

Ow! Stupid wishing well! Jimbo, I don't think we should see each other anymore. You're just not the guy I thought you were. Can I have my shirt back? Well, Bart, you were right about him.

Uh-uh-uh. My name must never be spoken. Sorry. He seems nice. Not fair. Just when I was getting to be the world's greatest bartender, it's all snatched away. Freshen your drink, pal? Just leave the bottle.

...Itchy and scratchy show

Kent, I want everyone in your radio picture audience to know that this woman is a menace to decent people and germ warriors everywhere! End communication. (GAVEL SLAMMING) Now, Lisa, would you agree that your grandmother is a sweet, harmless woman who could hardly be considered a menace to society?

Let's kill it. Okay.

No. Go back to sleep. This bed is making me nauseous! Why won't it stop? Honey, it'll be morning soon. Try to get some sleep. Oh, uh, I'm sorry. Are you planning to stay the whole night? Yes! All right.

It's something to help you concentrate. All I know is my testicles won't fit in my underwear. Bart, get those oranges out of there. Back in the lunches you go. Ew, Mom!

Oh, I'm just razzin' ya. It's my way. Here, have an ear on me. More tumbleweed, Lisa? No, thanks. I'm still finishing my thistles. Dad, if we leave for town right now, we could catch the dinner special at Krusty Burger. Sorry, boy. Going back to Springfield would be a coward's way out.

Oh, that's beautiful! We could make a fortune! But wouldn't that make us con artists? Well, yeah. But God conned me out of 6,500 bucks in car repairs.

standing up to that freaked-out junkie. Dad, that junkie is your son. Why don't you just tell everybody? Hey, Mom. Thanks for coming out. Oh, thank you for stopping the tank. It ran out of gas. Oh. So, Bart-- Question. How about getting out of the tank, huh?

Wicca's a Hollywood fad! That's Kabbalah, jerk! (GRUNTING) Stupid kids ruin everything! So you're not in the mood anymore, are you? Homie, you know I'm usually good for a triple-X throw-down.

We're still not sure how he caused the meltdown.

Kent Brockman is not the kind of man who would leave a $500,000-a-year job because he won a lottery. I'm a journalist. He's got all the money in the world but there's one thing he can't buy. What's that? A dinosaur. I'm not the only one benefiting from last week's big payoff.

You little sneaks, you're coming with me. Next time you little hoodlums try this, I'm calling your parents ! Oh, yeah ? Well, we don't wanna see your crummy movie anyway. Yeah. We'll take our business elsewhere.

Poor Krusty. We gotta do something to help him. Yeah. And to make things even more suspenseful, our plane leaves in a half hour! Excuse me. I think I can help. I've been working in this town for a long time, and, well, I know how to get things done.

Don't you get it? He swore he'd kill me too. I'm next! Don't worry. I'll protect you-- Little dude. There. Now no murderers can get in.

Hey, Bart, dude. Whoa, you look freaked. Hey, Otto man, I got a big test that I am not ready for. Could you please crash the bus or something ? Oh, sorry, little buddy. Can't do it on purpose. But hey, maybe you'll get lucky.

I wanted to surprise you for Christmas. Oh, sweetie, this is the best present a mother could get. I love you so much! My little, bitty Barty!

Oven-roasted cud. It's packed in its own drool.

Hi, honey. How was your first day of school? Honey?

You will die a terrible, terrible death. Ooh, I'm sorry. That was our last caller. Okay, I'm getting something now. Huh. Okay, you will die a terrible, terrible death. But I-- Thank you for calling Radio Psychic. Do you have a song request? "It's Raining Men!"

Our driveway's snowed in. Old Man Winter! That's right. I fill your driveways with ice and snow. What are you gonna do about it? Nothin'. That's what. Stop! Mr. Plow!

I got me a future. I'm two days away from retirement. My daughter's graduating from college.

Eh, Congressman, this is where it gets awkward. I-- I never quite know how to put this. I just want to-- Offer me a bribe? Oh, what is it? It's that little girl from Springfield who wrote the essay. Could be a good photo-op. Sure, fine.

I got a test today... I can't eat those... One a time! One at time! Double bologna! No pimentos! Don't forget to make it... Mom, where's my..? That's enough! There you go, Lisa-- no pimentos. Bart, your hat's behind the toilet.

Homer, what is it? Slow down. Yer getta ferda redda oura. Think before you say each word. You broke a promise to your child. What?

Mr. john, I'm your biggest fan. I've tape-recorded all your songs off the radio. Oh, that's very sweet. Have a Grammy. Uh--

Ow! Oh! Paper cut! Paper cut! Missed me!

Mountain Dew or crab juice. Oh, geez! I'll take a crab juice.

Uh, are you sure that's safe? Well, it ain't gettin' any safer.

If you lived in any other country in the world, you'd have starved to death long ago. He's got you there, Dad. You're a fraud-- A total fraud. It was nice meeting you.

and Coco Chanel.

The hippie fantasy again? They're getting less frequent, sir. Excellent. Well, there's no easy way to say this. The new administration is shutting down Project Boy Band. Shutting it down? Permission to say "that's crazy," sir? You won't say it's crazy when you see next week's issue of Mad magazine.

"Water bill, third notice." "jury duty, third notice." "Mortgage bill--" Ooh. "Second notice." "Flancrest Enterprises"? Oops. That's for me. Flancrest Enterprises is my home business. You liar. You don't have a home business.

That Valentine sure was funny. Glad you liked it. It says, "Choo-Choo-Choose Me," and there's a picture of a train. Yeah, nice gag. Uh, SO,

My kids wear these hearts to remind them they are always loved. Aww. Did you make 'em yourself? Yes. Through the magic of caring.

Korea did it. And look at the quality of their animation. Hmm.

we're a nice, normal family. Hey, Bart, last one in the fountain's a rotten egg ! Hey ! D-oh ! Be normal. Be normal !

Come on, Stacy. I've waited my whole life to hear you speak. Don't you have anything relevant to say?

That was too easy. (CHUCKLES) Okay. If I stop here, I still have some dignity. (LAUGHING)

Ooh, Players Club! Yes, sir!

- No, stop! - No! No! I just saved my baseball bit.

singing their number two hit, "Born to Runner-up." Why would they come to our concert just to boo us?

(GRUNTING) (GASPING) (SPEAKING KLINGON)

Well, let me put it this way. You ever been to the dentist ? - Yeah. - Not me. I suppose I should go to one, but I got enough pain in my life as it is. I have problems too. Well, I can't help you, kid. I'm just a terrific horn player with tons of soul. - But I can jam with you. - Okay.

Where do we get these placebos? Maybe there's some in this truck!

Dad, that's a kaleidoscope. You may be a smart kid, Lisa... but you dont know much about not hurting people's feelings. Okay. "At 6:22 pm... Venus will be visible at 27 degrees." Hi-yo!

Uh, Ralph's a little afraid of the dark, Bart.

Lisa, what are you doing? That's a bad-girl bathroom. Duh! You want to egg Skinner's car? Okay. What are you looking at? Nothing. Then get out. We're figuring out stuff to egg.

But instead he's gonna rot in the slammer for the next 20 years. Bread and water, icy showers, guards whomping your ass around the clock. And the only way out is suicide.

"The Venus Flytrap is a carnivorous plant... which uses bait to lure unsuspecting prey into its digestive tract."

There's someone out there in Krustyland who has committed an atrocity. If you know who cut off jebediah's head-- I don't care if it's your brother, your sister, your daddy or your mommy-- turn them in, and Krusty will send you... a free slide whistle just like Sideshow Bob's.

I believe she's right. You're crazy. Arr! What's it to ya? What's it to me? - Doesn't anybody care that I'm hungry? - Stop it! Stop it! Can't you see this barnyard noise guessing game is tearing us apart?

We only got one room left. Uh, the toilet is overflowing in the, uh, Caveman Room.

Spare my life and I will grant you three wi-- Knife goes in, guts come out. Yippee! Time for the company loyalty song. Knife goes in guts come out that's what osaka seafood concern is all about Well, this sucks. What else is on?

I know-- the window. No, Bart! What are you doing? Dogs always land on their feet. - That's cats. - No, it's dogs. I'll prove it. Best two out of three.

What a day for a stroll. Come on! What are you doing?

Am I cool, kids? - No. - Good. I'm glad.

Hey, hey! If I want a cock-and-bull story, I'll read Hemingway. Don't be mad at Homer. I was the one who cut the rope. Are you threatening me with that knife?

Great. Let's dump these kids in an R-rated movie while we go someplace nice.

Don't feel bad, Homer. Nine out of ten religions fail in their first year. That's game, Hendrix!

If it were a suit we could all wear, maybe then-- Come on, Mom! You never treat yourself to anything. Oh, sure I do. I treated myself to a Sanka not three days ago. But this is a real find. just buy it. You don't have to rationalize everything. Hmm.

In your face, to-do list! Homer! Homer! Thank you. Thank you. But there was someone else with me on that alley. I'm talkin' about the big man-- Carl! Aw, can the corn, bonehead. Ah.

"Frightfully sorry, but there is no hidden treasure. "I have already used this time to escape from your jail. Fondest wishes--" Oh, I can't make out the signature! Keep digging. We're bound to find something. Mmm. I guess we're not going to find anything.

and you're damned if you don't.

She didn't say it yet! Go ahead, sweetie. - The book fair. - Oh, no! I'm not falling for that again! If it doesn't have Siamese twins in a jar, it's not a fair. Oh! This is perfect! We're gonna go see Marmaduke? No. The Smithsonian traveling exhibit.

They took my baby. (SOBBING) Wow, the fortune cookies here really are more accurate.

Okay, don't panic. I'll get the bikes. I hope they're hoverbikes. Oh, man, that would be so awesome!

Uh, excuse me. I'd like to request $17... for a push broom rebristling. Why, it's that delightful TV leprechaun! I'm going to get your Lucky Charms. oh, no. My brains.

Artie made mega bucks with a revolutionary invention, a converter that changes that horrible modem noise... into easy listening music. Also available with lyrics.

I've seen my country ravaged by war, my family torn by tragedy, and then as I was innocently making my way to the shops to buy light bulbs, I was blindsided by this great lumbering brute! Boy, she's good.

Okay. Here goes.

Hello! I am Llewellyn Sinclair.

Now you're swingin', honey.

That's what you get for not hailing to the chimp.

We're not going anywhere. But you said-- Uh, sometimes to keep from hurting someone's feelings, we have to say things that aren't exactly-- Lies make Baby jesus cry.

Introducing Ling Bouvier! (GASPS) Selma, she's beautiful. (GURGLING) This is Homer, your daddy. Without him, I wouldn't have you. (LAUGHING) Aw. She likes my eyes. Ow.

Must defeat Doctor Blizzard and the Avalanchoids. (GRUNTS) Lieutenant Adventure, what are you doing here?

(CLATTERING) The point is, we're not allowed to have you in this building. Well, I've never been one to break the law. So long, Seymour. Give me a jingle sometime. (CHUCKLES) I will, but there is one place on school property that falls outside all laws of man or God. No, you don't mean...

Oh, my! I've always dreamed of coming here. Everybody keep smiling, and I know we're going to fit right in.

Who wants to be the first to enter God's good graces? Easy. Easy! Oh, why do you hate my trains?

It was just vapor lock.

Eggs? That bird I killed was their mother.

In the split second before he died I bet Scratchy appreciated his birthday present. Do you see how this relates to us? You want that once-a-year empty gesture? You got it.

Yeah! I want to hallucinate too! I'm sorry. The ticket price doesn't cover... visions, miracles or other godly hoo-ha. Yeah, folks. The power of Christ compels you to give Ned an extra 10 bucks. Homer, no! I can't exploit a divine manifestation.

Damn buzzards! I ain't dead yet! All right. Stay calm. Remember your training. "Dear Homer, I.O.U. one emergency doughnut. Signed, Homer." Bastard! He's always one step ahead.

I love Chinatown. Although I wish they'd stop picking on Tibet Town.

We're looking for Principal Skinner. Uh. Yes, we all are. Whoo!

I don't feel so good. Maybe I oughta eat something. Oh, I'm afraid your eating days are over. How long do I have to live, Doc?

I want you to sit there, look through the window... and watch me eat a ham. Marge, prepare the emergency ham! Oh.

Well, here we are.

My goodness. Quite exciting. - Extremely sensual. - The subtle gray tones recall the work of Helmut Newton. Who's the sexy lady, Bart ? Beats me. But the guy dancing with her is my pop. - Wow ! - He brings to mind the later work of Diane Arbus. Bart, I'd really appreciate a print of your masterwork. Me too. Yeah, come on. Sorry, guys. No can do.

Hey, everybody, let's go sing at the hospital. For we've got high hopes

Hey, Krusty, you look great. You get your teeth bleached? Yeah, it's a new kind of polymer treatment-- Hey, shut up! You're here 'cause your itchy and Scratchy cartoons are stinking up my ratings!

Ready for inspection, Mom. Very nice, Maggie. And, Lisa, you look lovely. Bart, assume the position. Ohh ! Bart. Now where's your father ?

stems from a deep-seated psychological trauma. With nowhere else to turn, we went to see the school psychologist. Mr. and Mrs. Simpson, there's nothing to be alarmed about.

Yeah? Well, it serves you right for eavesdropping.

My baby! My baby! Don't worry, ma'am. I'll save your baby. Oh, thank you, Mr. Canseco. My cat! Never fear, ma'am. I'll save your cat.

(GASPS) Scantily clad co-eds? Why, you little... (GRUNTS) (GAGS) To have a libido... Dad, look who's in there. (GASPS) Flanders? (GURGLING) He doesn't even know what's going on! Wait'll I tell everyone about this.

Uh-oh. I mean... good ! Hey, what are you doing ? No ! Drop that drumstick ! Bad dog ! Bad Santa's Little Helper ! Come on ! Give me that ! Give me that ! Doh ! Okay, out you go !

Must you be forever dialing that phone? Excuse me. Oh, come on. Hurry!

I brought a bag of money in case he wants us to burn it again. I hope he tells us to burn our pants. These things are driving me nuts. So this afternoon, two suits come up to me... and ask me to endorse some new sports utility vehicle. What did you do? Don't you hate pants?

No way! Dead! Dead! Dead! Dead!

You won't feel a thing... till I jam this down your throat.

Let's go to the IHOP. I'm driving. - Come on! - Hey! Hey! - Okay, Burger King! Whatever!

We started out like Romeo and juliet but it ended up in tragedy.

Of course, Your Majesty. Let me just fluff your pillow for you. (GASPING) See ya in hell, fat man!

I'd like to hear from Sideshow Mel. I'll see to it that Mr. Burns suffers the infernal machinations... - of hell's grim tyrant. - Yeah!

- Are we there yet? - No. Are we there yet? No. - Are we there yet? - No.

I'm so despondent. Cheer up, Homer. ts only rock-and-roll camp. But I like it. Tell you what. We're doing a benefit gig before we leave town. How would you like to join us on stage?

a clod, a goat with a hat, then me-- oh-- a tapeworm, then assistant to Lorne Michaels. It's going to be a rough couple of lifetimes. Manjula! Oh, Apu, you are such a Brahma queen. Have you come to forgive me? I am willing to take you back.

Here's 20 bucks. Now will you tell me where my brother lives ? I don't want your-- just take it and tell me ! Detroit. He lives in Detroit.

Don't you people see anything wrong with what Malibu Stacy says? Oh, there's something wrong with what my Stacy says. My Spidey sense is tingling. Anybody call for a web-slinger? No, Celeste. I mean, the things she says are sexist.

Where we goin'? Where we goin'? Run along, boy. You're free now. No! No! Noooo! Principal Seymour Skinner.

That's a good plan, but it won't impress girls like this. Ew! Lisa's autograph. Apu's autograph. Oh, what do you know. Jimbo's real name is Corky.

Let's laugh at him. Ha-ha! Wave to the people. Blow them kisses.

Not at all. I am a professional. Roll the ball for me, Marge. Let me see your form. All right, but I'm not very good.

D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! Whoo-hoo! A flyer for a hardware store! D'oh! Pop, what are you gonna do?

Tango 14, we're being fired at. I'm getting an exact I.D. on the bogey now. Iraqis again. Launching Sidewinder missile. Missed him. Launching second Sidewinder missile.

Boy, you hate lotus flowers too. Don't get me started on lotus flowers.

Hey! Come back! I'm calming down! We'll have family fun! Family fun!

I'll just sit here in Li'l Lightnin' which the Simpsons built...

Hey, good to see you. Glad you could make it. Toby, have you lost weight? Uh-oh, here comes trouble. It's Wally!

Objection. Mmm, I'll allow it. Now, Count Fudgeula, how long were you spokes-vampire... for Motherloving's breakfast cereals? Twenty of your mortal years. But I had to quit when my fangs succumbed to gingivitis.

Yes, that will do. Anyway, i-i say we invest that money back in the nuclear plant.

"Explosion imminent." Oh, my God! The plant's gonna explode! Hey, that thing's going caca-cuckoo. Who cares? It's Homer's problem.

No, Mr. Simpson. Don't take your anger out on me. Get back! Get back! M-Mr. Simpson, no!

I caught your son defacing school property this morning. We estimate the damage at $75, and frankly,

Well, I am a sucker for a little hat. So, we have an agreement? Well... I don't know. But it's the only way you'll survive in here. Well, I would like to survive long enough to see the effects of global warming. (WHISPERS) I've got an inside tip that it's all a bunch of crap.

We've got all your favorite characters, Itchy, Scratchy, Poochie, Austin Powers Itchy, Itchy Poochie, Scratchbob Itchpants, Confederate Itchy and Osama Bin Scratchy. (IMPRESSED MURMURS) That sucked. Well, at least I've still got my health...

But one thing's for sure, you do exist. Strong words. Strong, bewildering words. Also, we want to thank the whole town for their generosity.

The itchy and scratchy show

Throw it, don't aim it. This is my park. Get out! It was worth it. This place has gone to hell.

Don't you see? That would be taking the easy way out. I agree.

The Statue of Liberty? Where are we? All right, Posse, that's our target. Not Mad!

But being an astronaut is how I got you to respect me. Homer, when I met you, you weren't an astronaut. You didn't even know how to use a touch-tone.

It's time for ABC's T.G.I.F. lineup. Lise, when you get a little older, you'll learn that Friday's just another day... between NBC's Must-See Thursday and CBS's Saturday night Crap-o-rama. Another Duff, Homer? Nah. It's Friday night, Moe. I wanna try something special.

So what do you want here? Uh, appendectomy, lipo or the sampler? That's very popular. I want you to stick this crayon... into my brain. No problem. The old "Crayola oblongata."

"Do not touch Willie." Good advice.

(SNIFFING) Hmm. (PEOPLE CLAMORING) Please spare me. I'm not a murderer, I'm not. And I've never known the pleasures of a woman or a proper eating apple. Quiet, you.

The last place I saw it... Uh-huh. was in my hand... Yeah. as I was shoving it... into the mailbox. Doh ! Why did you do that ?

No. Here. Try my foot. No. Not that foot. just feel my biceps.

Bart, Groundskeeper Willie was in my nightmare too. But he got me with hedge clippers. He ran his floor buffer over me!

I'm psychic. Look, I don't know if I want a roofer who hangs out in bars. (SCOFFS) You're right, Marge. I guess I should look for roofers at poetry slams and yoga retreats. - High five! - Nah. I got standards. I don't hand out high-fives like Chiclets. Ray would high five me. Well, he'd better high five our roof! Huh?

Whoa! Anna, get your radar gun, 'cause that tamale was one tall drink of water. Wow. He should have his foot insured by Lloyd's of London. Oh, you just know what everyone should do, don't you, Marge?

No. They only paid me to say it once. Then they doubled it up on the soundtrack. Cheap bastards. You folks ready to begin? Uh, I guess. Is this episode going on the air live? No, Homer. Very few cartoons are broadcast live. It's a terrible strain on the animators' wrists.

A pack of sugar and peanut butter smeared on a playing card.

But you'd better sell something. Because cubicles are for closers, Marge.

Ohh! Sounds like another Pulitzer for me to polish. Hush, field trip boy! Impaled on my Nobel Peace Prize. How ironic. Yo! Lise! Lise! Come back, Lise! Come back! Why? I'm so much happier here.

What do you think ? Should we stop here ? Yes ! All righty.

Sorry, Harv, but like I told you before it ain't for sale.

Look, maybe this whole thing will blow over. It didn't blow over, Marge. Nothing ever blows over for me.

''Tis,' replied Aunt Helga." I'm goin'! I'm goin'!

I mean, what the hell am I doing here? And this dialogue has none of the wit and sparkle of Murphy Brown. Hey, you know we're getting into golden time? Yes, well, just get it right... or you'll all be back doing Come Blow Your Horn at the Westport Dinner Theater. All right then. Let's see what the old Simpson family is up to now.

This is for you, Son.

Now we can have indoor plumbin', just like they's got at the women's lockup. They spoilt you, Brandine. Sometimes I don't even know who you are anymore. Ha! Look like Milhouse's mom finally threw out his blankie. He'll pay a lot to get this back.

from inside that volcano. Why are you so cruel? This vacation really blows. Well, at least we're past the lighting round. Hmm. I see.

We could tear it down, but we'd be tearing down a part of ourselves.

Oh, it's just a little kick in the bum. Yuh-oh.

Oh, my! Hot! Hot! Hot! La, la, la, la, la, la, la. Here. Let me wrap this wet towel around your head to cool you off.

No! Mainly your mother. Is that what we do in this family? When someone becomes an inconvenience, we just get rid of them? Hello? Is anybody there? Aww!

So have fun, everybody.

would like to come up front now and give someone else a chance to interrupt. Oh, please, no. About time, knothead. Now-- Hey, listen! Now, my story begins in nineteen dickety-two.

Well, okay. But just go a little bit easy on it. Pile in, everybody! No time to wipe your feet! Okay, piglet, start squealing!

They're gaining on us, sir. We'll have to jettison something. It's been an honor to serve you, sir.

Well, Dr. Bartley, another mystery well solved. Yes. With the murderer behind bars, London's working girls are free to follow their merry calling.

Jeepers! It's 50 Cent. Yo, B. I heard you throw down on stage. Wanna join my world tour? Sorry, Fitty. I have school tomorrow. You're right. The more you know, the further you go. And that's one to grow on.

so I don't know how long it takes exactly. But if enough people take an interest--

Johnny Tightlips, where'd they hit you? I ain't sayin' nothin'. But what do I tell the doctor? Tell him to suck a lemon.

It's too bright. I oughta-- Flanders. What a big show-off. Kids, you wanna go Christmas shopping ? I do ! All right ! The mall ! Go get your money. tell us, Marge. Where have you been hiding the Christmas money ? Oh, I have my secrets.

against O-one of my wife's homemade wind chimes. What, are you afraid to make a real bet ? No, I just-- You know, Simpson, you're starting to annoy me. How about this, Henny Penny ? If Bart wins tomorrow, you have to mow my lawn. All right. And if Todd wins,

Shouldn't we be heading down to the pawn shop to get our TV back ? That piece of junk ? Forget it. We're gonna get a new TV. Twenty-one inch screen, realistic flesh tones... and a little cart so we can wheel it into the dining room on holidays.

The number you have dialed... can no longer be reached from this phone, you... negligent... monster. - Ohh! - That's it!

Oh, look at all the people who could buy and sell me! i should send a list of these names to the I.R.S.!

"Thank you" dinner with Bart Simpson? I don't know Bart Simpson.

- Are you okay? - Yeah. I'm fine. Noooooooooo! I'm bored. Hey, a fair!

Oh, yeah. Like I'd be seen with a Discover card. You have a cell phone? And a purse! That's it. Don't be shy. Now maybe a little joke to break the ice. Or a big joke.

Uh, and, uh, former president, Ike Eisenhower! Let's get busy! Oh! My utopia lies in ruins. How naive of me to think a mere atom bomb could fell the chattering Cyclops!

Unbelievable. I'll say. Wasn't it great? And the question mark leaves the door open for a sequel. I've seen that movie 10 times, and I never get tired of that ending. Aye, aye, aye, where did you get this, ya shrunken old hag, ya? I'm just a little girl.

Can I go downstairs and see what Dad's doing? I wouldn't bother him, honey. He's making some kind of model for a contest. He says it's really high-tech stuff that we wouldn't understand. Marge, do we have any elbow macaroni and glue-on sparkles?

We need money, fast. Well, well, well. Looks like somebody's gonna have to do some yard-- It's carnival time! Here's money, kids. Take what you need. Oh, boy! Free money! All right, free money! Whoa! Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding!

Mr. Simpson, look at this lineup and tell us if any of these are the aliens you saw. Yo! No, I'm sorry. This is an outrage dragging me into-- Oh, this makes me very angry. Now, we're going to run a few tests. This is a simple lie detector. I'll ask you a few yes or no questions...

BART: Ay, caramba!

Oh, look. A bird has become petrified and lost its sense of direction.

They were pictures that the whole family could enjoy. No drugs, no nudity, no cussin'. Just drinkin', fightin' and trippin' horses with wires. What's this lunch box made of? Well, back in my day, we had a thing called metal.

See, Maggie ? Those silver and blue guys... are the Dallas Cowboys. They're Daddy's favorite team,

Husband and wife, I pronounce you now. Hmm? Oh! Ah! Stroke me, clover. Say me name. Ew! The best thing about a gypsy wedding is I'm not the hairiest woman here.

I got out of school, 'cause I told 'em I was mangled in a car wreck. Thank you all for the kind praise. Well, you deserve it. All these vegetables are really clearing the cholesterol out of the old heart.

Which way does the water turn in your toilet? I can't get a straight answer out of this crazy hemisphere.

I just wonder how they keep it so fresh after 43 episodes. I can't believe we paid to see a band... with Steve Guttenberg, Calista Flockhart, and Farty the Crippled Robot. Look who's in my fart-- O.J.

Poison Delivery Service. A gift basket of poisons is on its way. Oh, I'm a horrible mother. Of course you are. Marge, I finally discovered the reason God made me--

Is there any answer I can give that won't result in more push-ups? No. Hey, look. It's the school motto. "I'll die before I surrender, Tim." Who's Tim? Apparently Tim was somebody who was with the general...

(BOTH SCREAM) When Jenda hears about my great new career, she'll definitely take me back.

It's an emergency. If it's an emergency, then. We understand some drains in your area have been malfunctioning, sucking in people and whatnot. - Willikers! That's awful! - Indeed.

Oh, quit your bellyaching, you big loser! Wh-Who said that? I did! It's me, Abe Simpson! But you're d-d-d-dead. I was. But I've come back as your love testing machine. I'm The Love-Matic Grampa!

(GASPS) (SCREAMS) Oh, another setback. (GROANING) What the Family Circus? A second premonition came to fruition. Lord, why have you given me these unholy visions of doom? (GASPS)

a canister of wall lubricant, and a booklet of the most commonly asked questions you will hear, including, "Who are you?" and "What are you doing here?"

Wait! Come back! I'm a god to you! Worship me or fear my wrath! Oh, please, fear my wrath! Please! Call me. I don't get it. Why don't people like my art anymore?

Hey, Lise. Come look at this. Neat.

I make them with two kinds of cheese.

Mmm. Beef salad, beef on the cob, beef-fried beef-- Is there anything on the menu that isn't meat? Ha. Not likely. Cool. Even this menu is made of meat. It's an entire chicken pounded flat. How clever. The kids' menu is on the beak.

Daddy, I'm stealing! I'm stealing! Oh, that's my little dude. We need a symbol. Something that says we're gay and Republican. A little on the nose, don't you think?

How ironic. Homer, old chap, well done. If anyone was going to catch me, I'm glad it was you. Actually, it wasn't me. It was my dad, Grampa. Thanks, Son. So you see, old people aren't so useless after all. Malloy's old, and he outsmarted the lot of you.

When I say, "Hello, Mr. Thompson," you'll say, "Hi." - Check. - Hello, Mr. Thompson. Remember now-- your name is Homer Thompson. I gotcha. Hello, Mr. Thompson.

Homer Simpson ! Sorry, partner. I didn't recognize you at first. Ladies and gentlemen, it's an honor... to have a real swinging cat with us tonight.

Dad, do you think I could come visit you at the nuclear power plant ? You wanna see where I work ? Oh, yes, very much. None of my biological kids ever wanted to see me at work. - Then I can go ? - Well, I'll have to pull a few strings... with the boys in security, but sure, you bet. Excellent.

Charge! Your dad ever take you to baseball games? Nah. His game was blackjack. He bet our life savings on a single hand.

Mmm. That takes me back. pp Check out those non-skybox losers... watching hockey without sushi. If you can call that hockey. Hey, Homer's looking down his nose at us. Let's take Mr. Figgy Pudding down a peg.

I need to see Moe.

But I could never shoot someone. Could so. Could not. Could not. Could so. Could so. Kids, kids, kids. As far as Daddy's concerned, you're both potential murderers. The police already have a suspect. It's Mr. Smithers.

I've got to speak out before it's too late! D'oh! "Dear readers, you hold in your hands "the last paper not controlled by the Burns Media empire.

hey, everybody ! I.P. Freely ! Wait a minute. Listen to me, ya lousy bum. When I get a hold of you, you're dead.

The government wants to shut me down... 'cause the pipes under my toilet don't lead nowhere. Elect me, and I promise those pipes will lead to a better tomorrow!

Oh, no. They're biting him and stealing his pants.

I guess I could bend a little. Just till you make it. Remember, I believe in you. Thanks, Marge. Listen, if you're done with that washing machine, can I make some booze in it? - Not until you finish your sundae. - Yes, ma'am.

What do you think, Homer? Does this make my hips look big? Outfit good. Flatters butt. Oh, arent you a dear! Then after World War II, it got kinda quiet... till Superman challenged FDR. to a race around the world.

Ah, did you see that jerk? Dropped his notes!

Why don't we fill out an application. I'll need your name, measurements, and turn-ons. You expect me to tell you that? You could, but I find this way is much more accurate, and fun. Ugh! What salary do you offer? Minimum wage and tips. Of course, there are fringe benefits.

Oh. Keep doing that every five seconds. Dr. Nick, we owe you an apology. - Consider the charges dropped. - All right! Free nose jobs for everybody!

In this house, we obey the laws of thermodynamics!

Be nice to your sister. - Okey-dokey. - Go on, Bart. No time like the present. Hi, man. I don't want your pity. Aw, come on. I'll cheer you up. How ? Yeah. Moe's Tavern. Moe speaking. Is jacques there ? Who ?

Where's the heart?

Perhaps it's time to fight razzle with dazzle. Mi-- Michael, rOW-- ROW-- Row the boat Is he killing that guitar, Daddy? Yes, Son.

Well, back on land my name was Homer Simpson. And I guess it is here too. I promised my dad one of my kidneys, but I chickened out at the last minute and left him on his deathbed. Good Lord! Oh, how could you! I think I'm going to be sick. I stole this accordion from a blind monkey.

No, no, Don Vittorio. You're not-- Yes, I am. I know it. I am. Anyway, thank you, Krusty. Oh, you're welcome. So, we're even now, huh? No, we just won't kill you. But you still owe us the money. Forty-eight dollars. Here's 50.

Aha-ha! Prepare to die! You too. Aah! Rope burn! Oh! Oh! Charley horse! Charley horse! Aa-aah! Aah! My mouth! I, eh--

I assume that's still Don McNeill and his Breakfast Club. Oh, get with the times, man. It's jerry Rude and the Bathroom Bunch. Oh, I don't think Mr. Burns would like that show. What's the matter? Think I'm not hip? I don't have enough vo-dee-o-do?

Robert Pinsky? The former poet laureate? It's gonna be great. The three of us can split a scone. Nondairy? Duh! I take a whiskey drink I take a chocolate drink And when I have to pee I use the kitchen sink I sing the song that reminds me I'm a urinating guy - I'll see you tomorrow! See ya!

Whoo-hoo! l rule this pseudo sport! Come back to me, boy! Dad, you dont understand. This was never about being cool. It was about you not caring how I felt. Oh, that's the dumbest thing I ever heard, you stupid little kid!

I am so sorry. Whatever you do, don't tell Marge. God, I love her! Hey, a penny! So, who are you guys anyhow? Agents Mulder and Scully, F.B.I. F.B.I., huh? Uh, excuse me.

Oh, hot diggety! That's how they got me to vote for Lyndon LaRouche.

Hey. What's Lucky hooked up to? A respirator. It breathes for him. And here I am using my own lungs like a sucker. And how come everyone gets a bedpan, and I have to walk all the way over there? You mean there? Yeah.

Don't. No. Get out. Get out of here. Get your hands off.

Hey, better yet, Bart could shoot a deer. That's like shooting a beautiful man. Hey, he's right, Homer. After the boy bags a deer,

I'll see what else is on. Hey, where's the remote? Hello? Hello? Stupid cordless phone. I'll try the old-fashioned model. Ah! That's better. How you doin', Gertie? And now our parody of Mad About You entitled...

Shouldn't have turned down those cue cards.

Whoops! Hmm, that's queer. Homer, don't look! What? Aaah! The food!

Oh, now Henry Winkler, there's a father. Listen to what he told a close friend. "I don't always keep my cool like the Fonz, but my love for my kids has given me plenty of happy days."

Ooh! Mmm. Ohh! Mmm.

Hello, Ned. Reverend! Emergency! I-- You see, the Simpson kids-- Eedelee-- I-- B-Baptism-- Oodelee-- - Th-- Doodly-diddly! - Ned. Have you thought about one of the other major religions? They're all pretty much the same.

Oh, my. War is terrible.

It's shaped like a diner, and it's on this really tall pole. Mom, Dad! Bart's dead!

What are you doing inside? Work was hard, so we quit. What? Hard work made us quit. I see. Well, then, no chores, no allowance. Okay. We get our room and board free anyway.

Hey, Flash, will you sign my ball ? No. Lousy, washed-up, broken-down tub of guts.

I think we're near a breakthrough. Good work. Thanks, Dad. Oh, how I envy you. That back and forther you witnessed didn't happen overnight. It took years of effort. I've never been afraid of hard work. That's the spirit. Step one-- find an activity to share. Does the boy have any interests?

I can't believe Aunty Gladys is really gone. Her legend will live forever. Yeah. The legend of the dog-faced woman. Legend of the dog-faced woman. - Oh, that's good! - Homer! That's very rude of you. What? D'oh!

- Hi, Mom. - Lisa! Hello. How are you doing in England? Remember, an elevator is called a lift, a mile is called a kilometer, and botulism is called steak and kidney pie.

Or sick. I don't know. I forget. Anyway, all you gotta do is say, "I am waiting for a bus." Then I hit you with pies for five minutes. Got that? "I am waiting for a bus." Makes me laugh. Let's go.

Remember, boys. These are little kids. So take out your tiny batons. (CHUCKLES) Chief Wiggum, we're just like you policemen.

What am I going to say? This is the guy who ruined me. But on the other hand, he's family. So many conflicting emotions. How to express them? Herb? Uncky Herb! Bart! Lisa!

Santa's Little Helper? Guess I was the only one who loved him. You got that right! Remember the time he ate my goldfish, and you lied to me and said I never had any goldfish? But why did I have the bowl, Bart? Why did I have the bowl? Yeah. He was a great dog.

HOMER: Now for that happy period between the lie and the time it's found out. (HOMER CHUCKLING)

Homer. Brave young Bart.

ts wanking time.

It's the Krusty Komedy Klassic. Hey, hey! It's great to be back at the Apollo Theater and-- "K.K.K."? That's not good.

Look at you-- You who were once so proud. Feel the wrath of the left hand of Burns. My life today. Wow! What an icebreaker. Left-handed ledgers. Now, I can write all the way to the edge. Aha! Left-handed nunchukas.

Finally, Bart's one of us.

Excellent. Not a trace of urine. Seymour, you run a tight ship.

We'd like to award this year's Pulitzer Prize to Mr. X.

Who's Muntu? He is our leader. He seized power in a bloodless coup-- all smotherings. Just like Jimmy Carter.

Dead tired of baby-proofers who don't provide a free estimate.

Hot town Summer in the city Back of my neck gettin' dirty and gritty Mannequins! You can't buy these! Oh, look at all these tube socks! But at night it's a different world Go out and find a girl Come on, come on and dance all night Despite the heat it'll be all right

Hey, what's that sound? Who needs the Kwik-E-Mart I do Hey, he's not happy at all! He lied to us through song!

Can't sleep. Gonna die.

getting the park ready here. We're gonna show Springfield that faith and devotion... are the wildest thrill rides of all.

That's okay. The box is empty. If that's what they cut out, what they leave in... must be pure gold! Let's watch some more of those fabulous Simpsons outtakes.

- Th-- Doodly-diddly! - Ned. Have you thought about one of the other major religions? They're all pretty much the same. Damn Flanders.

Boy, that really passes the time. (KNOCKING AT DOOR) Want a puppy? He's at the peak of cuteness.

Man, captivity blows. Talk to the whip. On your knees, ya mugs! It's the pharaoh! Ah, excellent progress, Slave Driver Willie. - Kudos on your whipping. - Oh, he noticed! Ay! Suffering sarcophagus! My tomb!

How are my boys doin', Homer? They're fine.

I'm gonna put my trophy on the mantel. How about you? I was thinking mantel too. Talk about being on the same wavelength. Hello, Marge. Hello, Bart.

Homer, you are asleep at your post!

I'll make you a deal. You rip up that ticket, and I'll give you back your hat. Whoo, whoo, whoo! Ha, ha! Homer, taking an officer's cap is an arrestable offense. Ooh! What are you gonna do about it? What are you gonna do?

But this isn't about show business. This is about some kid down a hole or something. We gotta do what we can. There's a hole in my heart as deep as a well

Oh. Well, Ralph seems happy enough. Maybe I should just give up now and settle into a mindless, happy stupor. We now return to... When Buildings Collapse on nonstop Fox.

Ah, recycling is useless, Lise. Once the sun burns out, this planet is doomed. You're just making sure we spend our last days using inferior products.

You're against discount bus fares for war widows? Uh, you bet I am. Okay. Makeup.

Noah, thou shalt build'st thyself an ark... measuring 300 cubits in length. 300 cubits, give or take. Exactly 300! And thou shalt takest two of every creature-- Two creatures.

Just go label your food. Oh, Luann. Luann. My money! Arlene!

I might possibly have considered thinking about becoming interested in.

I swear I'll scream. At first they were cute, but now they're annoying. 18 bucks for this? What a rip-off. Man smart, woman is smarter man smart, woman is smarter Man, this thing's really getting out of hand.

You're gonna eat a blizzard of... unseasonable warmth?

- He says it's urgent. - Send him in. Mr. and Mrs. Simpson, this is our district psychiatrist, Dr. j. Loren Pryor. What do we need a psychiatrist for ? We know our kid is nuts. Oh, on the contrary. I have some very exciting news for all of us. This aptitude test we administered this morning... has revealed that the young Bart here is what we call a "gifted child."

Come on, put that away. Those radar guns give you cancer. All the more reason to hurry up. Hey, what could be going 100 miles per--

Okay, man. Don't shoot. Chill. Homer, you said you got rid of the gun! You lied to me again! I know I said that, but what I secretly meant was-- Yoink! The joke's on you, buddy. There's no bullets in that thing.

(WHIMPERING) Children, you should be grateful you live in a country where childhood diseases have been practically... Karate! Ow!

You know what I want to be? The girl on the oatmeal box? No. I'm going to be an astronaut. Women can't be astronauts. Why not? They distract the men so they wouldn't keep their minds on the road.

Kids, your daddy and his daddy are involved in a very... sticky, nutty, chewy, chocolaty-- Put it away, boy!

Looks like you already did. What are you talkin' about? You ate our food! Thanks a lot, Milhouse. Now we're all gonna die because of you. But I swear I didn't do it!

Are you saying you and Barbara are bad neighbors? No! That's not Bar and me. It's them. Who? Maude and me? No! The man and his boy. You know, the-- the boy is named Bart. I don't know the name of the man. Bar! What's the name of the man?

Oh, Son, I'm glad to see ya! I went for the morning paper and I got lost! No time for you, old man.

All right, Dad. Way to build equity. Now remember to eat smart, people. Go for the fancy foods. Don't let them fill you up with that cheap stuff. A roll, sir? Screw you. Oatmeal? (GASPS) Smoked salmon! Shrimp! Crab legs! (EXCLAIMS)

Flanders? Ned Flanders? I'd better call Dr. Foster.

Grampa smells like that trunk in the garage where the bottom's all wet. Nuh-uh. He smells more like a photo lab. Stop it, both of you ! Grampa smells like a regular old man, which is more like a hallway in a hospital. That's terrible. We should be teaching the children to treasure the elderly. You know, we'll be old someday.

They're leaving. The ordeal is over.

I demand a recount. One for Martin, two for Martin. Would you like another recount ? No. Well, I just wanna make sure. One for Martin, two for Martin. This way, Mr. President.

our school's second most wanted criminal after the mysterious El Barto.

I know it's not time-- I'm going into the dining room to have a conversation. Anyone who wants to join me is welcome. Hello, Marge. How's the family? I don't want to talk about it! Mind your own business. Keep it down in there, everybody!

D-oh ! D-oh ! D-oh !

Jeepers H. Crackers!

Whoo-hoo! jackpot. Wait a minute! Are you over 21? Are you? I'm not authorized to answer that. By the way, your martinis suck! Oh, yeah? What are you gonna do? Start your own casino... in your tree house and get your little friends to come?

Well, I'll be damned.

Did you hear that, Bart?

Then do it for this adorable little puppy. Look at the puppy, Marge. That's your hat. She's good, Chief.

Hey! You're goin' down, you-- Why, you-- Aah! Hey, you-- You better-- Aah! I'm gonna-- Aah! If you do-- D'oh! Hang in there, Dad! just half a basket left!

(ALL EXCLAIM IN AWE) It's a miracle. That's my last flare. Somebody better come soon. (HOWLING) Oh, thank goodness. Rescue dogs.

It's so thick! Your turn, Bart. Whoa! That's good Squishy.

(HOMER SCREAMING)

I-- I don't know. Why do birds suddenly appear Every time You are near Just like me - They long to be Ohh.

Uh. Uh. Perfect. Ah-choo! Oh, you don't sound so good. - We'd better get you some cold medicine. - No problem. I picked some up at the store.

Hey, look! Oh, they're out of hot dogs! And the coleslaw has pineapple in it! German potato salad!

And listen, while you're seeing all those great sights, always remember that you're representing your country. I guess what I'm saying is, don't mess up France the way you messed up your room.

So come on jerks, give us your oil My card here says ACLU Now look what I'm going to do To love our country is no chore Wait right here for our encore

Bart? In here, Mom. Don't open... You could use some new underwear too. Look at that stupid kid! Three! Three! - Two! - Two!

- Good-bye. - Mmm. Well, it's time to pick up where I left off--

Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! I can't! I'm the designated driver! Yeah, that's swell.

I must admit, it is rather exciting. And-- Why, look! Here's something right here. It appears to be some sort of rock. Oh, no. It's just a clump of dirt. Even so, my heart is pounding like a kettle drum. I'd better sit down for a moment.

Uh-oh. Uh-oh. Hey, look! Those frogs are eating all their crops!

Hey, Simpson where's your losermobile? Losermobile. Wait a minute. Uh, it's over there, Nelson. Whoa, talk about your pieces of crap. I don't care who wins, as long as one of us beats that guy. Same here. Careful, boys. It took me months to steal that bumper.

'cause the pipes under my toilet don't lead nowhere. Elect me, and I promise those pipes will lead to a better tomorrow! I gotta go. Don't forget to vote. And watch out for the 6:12. Welcome to Fox News-- your voice for evil. Tonight we'll be interviewing the top two candidates...

Homer, that's not a prayer. That's gossip. Fine. I'll just discuss heavenly matters. So how's Maude Flanders doing up there? She playin' the field? Ooh! Yeah, really? All those guys? Amen.

We're in love, Snake. Don't say that, baby. I'm gonna win you back if I have to pistol-whip this guy all night. Pistol-whip? Ooh!

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. I love spying. Oh, don't worry about those fumes. They'll be sucked into that air vent. This place is falling apart.

and your picture's on the cover! All right! Whoa! Cool! Let me see! Isn't it adorable? I guess some baby pictures were on that old roll of film. Oh, we'll be the laughingstock of the whole town. Well, at least we won the bike.

Bart, where's my wallet? Right here, Dad! Thank you! Wow. Classy. Good evening, sir. Would you please leave without a fuss right now? Okay.

Well, okay. But here, where you say, "What I got, you gotta get and put it in you," how about just, "What I'd like is I'd like to hug and kiss you"? Wow! That's much better. Everyone can enjoy that. Live from Springfield, the entertainment capital of the state, the Krusty Komeback Special!

Number two- Unauthorized user! Access denied! Oh. Now what am I gonna get Lisa? Sir, I can offer you this Tickle Me Krusty... the most popular toy of 1999. I'm anatomically correct. Go ahead. Take a peek.

Eh, children, remain calm. The Falkland Islands have just been invaded. I repeat, the Falklands have just been invaded! The disputed islands lie here, off the coast of Argentina. This is my pride and joy. I've had hidden cameras planted in every home in Springfield.

Bart, I'm going to get you-- some ice cream at the store... since I'm saving so much money on diet cola.

So say a bittersweet farewell to such old friends as mud pies, Bite 'Ems, Éclairios, Chew 'ems, Kellogg's All-Fudge, Big Red Snack Foam, Milk Chuds, Eat 'Ems. And all sugar pills will be changed back to highly concentrated opiates. I want candy

See, Lisa? Males aren't hard to tame. - They all follow their video cartridges. - Ow.

Ew! You said if I slept with you, I wouldn't have to touch the drunk. Duff Man says a lot of things. Oh, yeah! Hmph!

and we only have one bowler left: Mr. Burns. Hmm?

So, uh, ain't you guys gonna ask me about my hat? - Ah! - Ah! Hey, Carl, what's with the hat?

Oh, no! I'll be socially unpopular.

Now you, boy. You can't escape, Bob. If the tennis rackets don't get you, the pool skimmers will. Oh, I-- I never planned to escape.

Um, I'd kind of like to go home now. Like a hog! I-- What? What was that? Mr. Burns, I don't want to seem ungrateful, but I want to go home to my family. I was hoping I wouldn't have to tell you this,

that long-haired freak's bowled with us for years. I don't care if it takes me all night. I'm gonna get me that lobster harmonica. Come on, lobstie. Whoo. Oh, okay. Then I just need your $500 registration fee. $500! Oh, no problem. Would you take an out-of-state, two-party, bad check?

I've gotta be honest, Monty. I've never dated anyone who knew Calvin Coolidge. Well, I've never dated anyone with their original hair and teeth.

Well, I remember where Edison worked. It was Menlo Park. That's where he came up with the tasimeter, the ore separator and-- Uh, James Watt invented the steam engine. That's boring. You're boring everybody. Quit boring everyone!

At this point I'd like to remind you, there are no refunds.

Happy birthday to you I got a very thoughtless birthday present... from someone who shall remain nameless.

A cougar! Die, cougar! Ow! My leg! Oh, geez! Got that cat right in the leg. Dad, you shot Moe! Oh, no! This time I really am gonna faint. Ow! Son of a--

just a few feet more.

Wow! You can do anything out here. That's right. See that ship over there? They're rebroadcasting major league baseball with implied oral consent, not express written consent, or so the legend goes.

But-but-- I wasn't-- And here. Take this with you. Mrs. Krabappel, Bart has something he wants to say to you. I won't say it! Bart!

Daddy, get up. You'll be late for church. Well, you boys can go with the Simpsons. I'm not going to church today. That's right. And I may not go to church tomorrow.

Hey, Homer, I brought you a mug. Ooh, thank you, Moe ! I always wanted one of these. Oh, Mr. Burns !

hey, Satan, payin' my dues playin' in A Rockin' band hey, mama, look at me

Anyway, now let's go over and see if Sideshow Mel... has any more of those legal... over-the-counter wake-up drugs of his. Slowly, slowly. Don't make a sound. Don't even think.

Wow, 500 smackers. Homer, how wonderful. Our first pleasant surprise. It's not the money, as much as the feeling that we earned it. You did it, Dad. Shouldn't we be heading down to the pawn shop to get our TV back ? That piece of junk ? Forget it.

$200 is only the asking price. Sorry, Ned. Hey, I'm flexible.

Whoa! A Methuselah rookie card! Who'd have thought learning about religion could be fun? Religion? Learning? Let's get outta here! Hey! Wow! An original Malibu Stacy from 1958!

Hurry up, or we'll have to wait for the 12:05 parade.

Oh, everything's stolen nowadays. Why, the fax machine is nothing but a waffle iron with a phone attached. It's ringing. Hello. Is this Krusty the Clown?

The couch is like that tree! The displaced male has two choices.

Marge, relax. I never heard of anyone getting so upset about religion. (INAUDIBLE)

I'd like to put this filth behind us and let's all enjoy Lisa Simpson's rendition of "Stormy Leather." Uh, "Weather."

You'll have to put Maggie to bed now, but Bart and Lisa can stay up for another hour. Until then, they can watch a tape from our video library. Oh, boy ! The Happy Little Elves Meet the Curious Bear Cub. Oh, the Elves ! The Elves ! Bye, kids ! Watch out for the boy.

Okay, Bart. You don't have to say it, but you do have to have a loving attitude. Be nice to your sister. - Okey-dokey. - Go on, Bart. No time like the present. Hi, man. I don't want your pity. Aw, come on. I'll cheer you up. How ?

Where were you planning to keep this horse? I've got it figured out.

Aw, hey. It's only money.

I used to party all night and sleep with lingerie models... until Ned and his Bible group showed me that I could have more. Professional athletes-- always wantin' more. Ned, they gave me the game ball. I want you to have it. Stan, tell you what. Homer Simpson here is just about the biggest Atom fan...

Kids, hurry up or you're going to miss your bus. No way. Never happen. Well, I'll be damned. Bart's making faces at me.

Tonight I'll be reading from a copy of my book I just checked out at Atherton Library! I study there! Say another building! That's it, Pinsky.

More. Mmm! I don't understand it. James Coco went mad in 15 minutes. Homer, are you all right? No.

I'll never forgive myself for this. Wait a minute. Those are yours, sir? Yes. I am in flavor country. Both of them? It's a big country.

D'oh! Except that one. Don't worry about these critters. They're just props from my movies. This one's from Gunfight at the Museum of Natural History. You were in movies? Hold on to your hat, son. You're talking to Buck McCoy. Who?

(GASPS) Not this! Anything but this! Uh... What was that first one again? Oh! (MARGE SCREAMING)

Hmm. Nah. What the hell's this?

She took my glue ! Uh ! It's not yours, Bart ! This is family glue ! Stop it, you two ! This is Thanksgiving ! So glue friendly, or I'll take your glue away... and then no one will have any glue to glue with !

Yeah, we'll be going. We'll just be going. Marge, you chased away all my poker buddies. I didn't mean to. You've become such a cop. Not that long ago you were so much more to me.

To love our country is no chore Wait right here for our encore (CROWD CHEERING)

New shooter! That's it, baby. Welcome to Marvin Gardens. We'll see about that. One, two, three-- D'oh! You're a little light here, Dad.

I get to clothe the leper! Lucky! Suppertime, boys. Oh, boy! Liver! Iron helps us play! I wanna go home.

Get your Turbo Diary... from Glrttech. Girltech is a division of Bo ytech. Hey, I could really use one ofthose. No arguments here. Man, I really come off like ajerk in this thing. - ii - Mom, Dad, my birthdays coming up... and Girltech Turbo Diaries are in stores now.

Bye-didilly-eye! So long! God bless you! - See ya! - Good-bye! Bye-bye, Homer! Take care! Adios! So long! Fare thee well! Arr! Bon voyage! Toodle-oo! Uh, so long! Bye-bye! Ta-ta! Bye, everybody! Bye-bye!

Put some sugar on that celery or get out, ma'am. Ooh, gummi bears! Gummi calves heads! Gummi jawbreakers!

Sorry. I just came to see how you were feeling. - I'm fine, just fine. - What are you writing here? A play? Uh, no. Yuh-huh. "Cast of characters: Viceroy Fizzlebottom, a hearty cherub of a man"-- Give me that. It's a work in progress.

Yeah. I get the feeling Bart isn't everything he could be in the son department. Uh, sometimes I think he's more interested in his Itchy and Mitchy cartoons than me. Hey, I'm sure it's just a phase.

David Letterman! - Hi, David. I'm Grampa. - D'oh! I'm Mike Wallace. I'm Morley Safer. And I'm Ed Bradley. All this and Andy Rooney tonight on 60 Minutes!

I just buckled down and studied. - No, really. - Well, it all started last week in Krabappel's class. I was trying to breed the hamster with the lizard... to create an unholy supercreature... when I saw an even worse crime against nature.

And I'm sick of you teaching my son your time-tested values. (SNIFFS) Hey, what's that smell? We're having our monthly pancake dinner. Care to join us? You've transformed breakfast into dinner. It's a miracle! Log Cabin, full of taste, my stomach is with thee. Blessed art thou among syrups. And bless...

Out of my way! She's gonna blow.

Maybe. But you don't know Lisa. I mean, she's so smart, they hooked her up to a big computer to try to teach it some things. But she had so much knowledge, it overloaded. And then it got really hot and caught on fire!

Well, Bart, you were right about him. As usual, a knife-wielding maniac has shown us the way. You know, if you were only old enough to grow a bad teenage mustache, - I'd go out with you in a second. - Wow. Hello, I'd like to speak to Miss Tinkle, first name...

According to the map, the cabin should be right here.

Huh! Overnight bag. No husband in sight. It's happened. She left Homer? I'll get the Champale. And let's get that ring off. Whoa, whoa, whoa, Delilah. I didn't leave Homer, and I never will.

Yuck! All right, uh, let's get started on lunch. And-- Wait. Where's Lenny? Hello? Can anybody hear me? I think I found a way out. It's not pretty, but it'll do.

That dean is gonna get an indignant e-mail. You should do it with bold red letters. My computer has 512 shades of red. Have you nerds forgotten everything I taught you? This calls for a prank. I see... a bucket.

the pups have a date with a fashion knife. Huh! There. Now you don't know which one's Little Monty. I guess if you don't want him to be part of your tuxedo, you'll have to let the other dogs go too. Nice try. Come on, Little Monty. Stand up.

They're like two positively charged ions. Zuh? Wait. That's it.

Hey, blindy, have a nice trip! Ha-ha! Attention, please. I need a volunteer for a thankless chore. Shall I assume the only hand in the air is Lisa Simpson's? Thank you, Lisa.

Bart, what happened? Well, we hit a little snag when the universe sort of collapsed on itself.

Hey, Krusty, you remember that time we got loaded... and set those beavers loose in that pine furniture store? Oh! Ah, memories. All right. You take it easy, Krusty. Bye! Hey, he didn't give me a ticket. This is an intriguing development.

If you kids can't keep your hands to yourself, I'm gonna turn this car around, and there'll be no Cape Canaveral for anybody! That's it! Back to Winnipeg!

Okay, so here's where Itchy lunges at Poochie... with a rusty chain saw. Cue sound effects. Rustier! Are you prepared to die, Poochie?

And I was the one who came up with the whole team idea. Me. I can't believe Otto picked up a 7-10 split. - He's phenomenal. Wow. - But--

(BEEPING) (SCREAMS) I get it! I get it! She's good!

We got him ! We got Bigfoot ! You are darn lucky we got here in time to rescue you. What the hell are you talking about, sir ? He's getting away. After him ! We gotta take him alive. You got that tranquilizer gun ready ?

Pour me another! Just take the whole leg. What's with all those rapping grannies in the movies? If I ever start rapping, just shoot me in the head.

Easy there, young man. You'll only make yourself tired and stringy. Now to check on the free-range children.

from winter wonderland to a class-three kill storm.

But, Captain, I can't avenge my partner's death with this pea shooter. I don't wanna hear it, McBain. That cannon of yours is against regulations. In this department, we go by the book. Bye, book. All right, McBain !

Have fun. We will.

Ah, nuts! Isn't there anybody who can round up these thunder lizards? Uh, they'd need a pretty rugged vehicle. And a heart to match. Hmm. I'd like to help you, Chief, but my license was revoked.

You can bluff your way through one test. Mr. Toad has a red blank. Okay. Skip that one. Mr. blank needs a blank in order to blank his blank. Oh, I am in deep blank. And the lowest grade in the class-- She's gonna say my name! Lisa Simpson-- zero.

destroy him! America rules! Our Beatles are way better than your precious Rolling Stones! (BIRD CAWING)

That's great, because all I need is one. Are you really the head of the Kwik-E-Mart? Yes. Really? Yes. You? Yes. I hope this has been enlightening for you. But I must-- Thank you. Come again. But-- Thank you. Come again. Well, that was a big bust.

the Teddy bears have their picnic. Encore! He's a pip, this one is. Ah, the mirthless laugh of the damned. Hold your nose, Smithers. We're going in. Watch me blend in.

Oh, yes, of course. It's the reed.

I cannot marry two people of the same sex any more than I can put a hamburger on a hot dog bun. Now, go back to working behind the scenes in every facet of entertainment. - Excuse me, Reverend. - Yes?

Okay, Homer, he's tired! He's tired! Now's your chance! Nudge him! Nudge him!

So, a graduate student, huh? How come you guys can go to the moon, but you can't make my shoes smell good? I'm sorry? Ah, nobody's blaming ya. Hey, could you take the wheel for a second? I have to scratch myself in two places at once. just drop me off here.

- Youse guys wanna play stickball? - Soitenly.

Hold on to your hat, son. You're talking to Buck McCoy. Who? Yeah, that's right. Buck McCoy, the most famous movie cowboy in the world.

- Mm-hmm. - Silly goose. Why didn't you say so? Get him, boys. The hooligans! Bash his eyes out! It's a beautiful day to kick your ass! You die now!

Being someone else didn't work. Maybe I just wasn't meant to have friends. Lisa is gonna freak when she sees this. Well, hurry up. They'll be back soon. Lisa! Okay. You found out I'm an overachieving bookworm.

Okay, we've seen a lion. Can we go now ?

Our little hero sure likes Kahlúa and cream. Quit following me, you coward! You heard him, fleabag! Get outta my bar! You're unsanitary. Oh, how precious. The cat's sitting in my dinner.

Or, as the Indians call it, maize. Another famous Indian was Crazy Horse. In conclusion, Libya is a land of contrasts. Thank you. Ow. i can't breathe. Please stop him. Oh, I'd like to, but I'm afraid he has diplomatic immunity. Point of order. If we want to learn anything, we must respect--

Oh, they're gonna eat this up in show-and-tell. I'm not sure if I'm comfortable with the idea... of your classmates laughing at our family's private moments. How would you like it if 20 years from now... people were laughing at things you did?

Hey, my car insurance expired quite a while ago. (CHUCKLES) Son, if you don't dig more coal, they'll put you on the dynamite gang. No dynamite!

Look. He's fitting right now.

Holy moly! We can't stay here! It's full of raccoons!

- Mmm! - Wow, Dad! You took a baptismal for me. How do you feel? Oh, Bartholomew, I feel like St. Augustine of Hippo... after his conversion by Ambrose of Milan. Wait! Homer! What did you just say? I said, shut your ugly face, Flanders! Oh. Fair enough.

"and reunited the entire cast of TV's Facts of life, including longtime holdout Tootie." Ohh! Sounds like another Pulitzer for me to polish. Hush, field trip boy! Impaled on my Nobel Peace Prize. How ironic. Yo! Lise! Lise!

(LISA PLAYING SAXOPHONE)

I'm so sick of names!

Hmm. Let's see here. "X-rated Girls"-- Already book marked. "Dial 'X' for Sex." "Mr. X." Hmm. Shall I cross the final frontier?

Son of a diddly!

What corpse should we unearth, sir? I don't know. I feel like a kid in a candy store. Hello!

Hey, get away from that! Leave him alone! It said I was gay!

- Turn it off. - just a second.

MacGyver... MacGyver... Aunt Selma has one hour to live. Hey, down in front.

Whoo-hoo! A perfect day! Zero bears and one big, fat, hairy paycheck. Hey! How come my pay is so low? "Bear Patrol Tax $5.00." What? This is an outrage! It's the biggest tax increase in history! Actually, Dad, it's the smallest tax increase in history.

are not cloudy all day - Hey ! What's this ? Did you do it ? No ! No, it wasn't me. I would never do anything like that. It was one of those immature people... who, instead of building themselves up-- It's neat. Can I have it ? Yes, but I didn't do it. Are you sure you didn't do it ? It's good. No, but I'm starting to wish I had.

I'm sending you a photo over the Faxtrola. I need you to fly to Springfield and assassinate this man posthaste. Ah, Del Monte. Enjoy them, old man. They will be your last.

Hey, Lise. I guess my little yearbook stunt was pretty rough, but it did teach you a lesson. It's important to be yourself. I know exactly who I am.

And I feel terrible about hurting you. Will you accept my apology? Apology? Uh, geez. I wasn't expecting that. Uh-- Run! Man, that felt great!

Could you please be quiet? Quiet, biet, diet ziet, fiet Bart, get out! It's not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to fit in eight hours of TV A day. The itchy and scratchy show

That's great, because all I need is one. Are you really the head of the Kwik-E-Mart? Yes. Really? Yes. You? Yes. I hope this has been enlightening for you. But I must-- Thank you. Come again.

I'm 53 years young. Whoo! Hey, Troy Aikman! So, Ned, you like dune buggies? Well, not my cup of-- Sure you do. Everyone likes dune buggies.

This is the happiest day of my life-- Hi-yi-ya! Got it! No shock for me! Oh, yeah? Whoa! Ow! Ow! Ow!

No. You must not blame yourself, Reverend. You must blame that little boy. He started it all. Get him! Eep. - Here, boy. In here. - Huh?

Oooh! Hey, Dad, can I use the transporter sometime? Please, I swear I'll be careful. Sorry, but this is a highly sophisti-ma-cated doo-wacky.

As a token of forgiveness, please take this baby.

All right! Everybody in the pool!

Our son Todd just told us he didn't want to eat his damn vegetables. You know kids and vegetables. Was it asparagus? No, no, Reverend. The point is he said a bad word. Oh. Oh, right. Well, kids usually pick these things up from someplace. Find out who's doing it and direct them to the Bible.

One Pill makes you laRger Fergie! And one pill makes you small Willie, you complete me.

F.B.I., huh? Uh, excuse me. All right, they're on to us! Get him back to Sea World! So I says, blue M&M, red M&M-- they all wind up the same color in the end. Homer, why don't you show us where you went when you left the bar?

Sometimes the smartest of us can be the most childish. Even you? No, not me. Never.

Lisa, that sounds like a fancier version of the song you're going to sing. And she's giving us the emotional experience of a lifetime.

By gum, it worked. I've awakened in the future. "Moon Pie." What a time to be alive.

Many dancing people covered with blood, gore and glop just one sniff of that fog And you're inside out it's worse than that flesh-eating virus You've read about

Superintendent Chalmers, can I offer you a cup of coffee-flavored Bevarine? Yes. I take it gray, with Creamium.

Monty say, monkey do. What could be better? Well, you could treat me with a little respect. Oh, shut up, you tub of guts. See? That's what I'm saying. Well, a little do-re-mi will smooth this over. He doesn't want your dirty money. Oh, come now. Everyone has his price.

Wrong answer! (GRUNTS) (SCREAMS)

Oh, Lisa, you saved me! And after all the bad things I said about you. What bad things? Why? Oh, Lisa, the important thing is, I diDn't get my comeuppance,

Come on, Romeo. They can't lock me up for long, Agnes. Will you wait for me?

Aha! Methinks the play's the thing... wherein I'll catch the conscience of the king. Catch my conscience? What? You're not supposed to hear me. That's a soliloquy. Okay. Well, I'll do a soliloquy too. Note to self: Kill that kid.

This is Dick Clark, rockin' down to the year 2000. And that was Whitesnake. We're not Whitesnake, dude. We're Poison. I thought we were Quiet Riot. It says here we're Ratt. Oh, right. Sorry. Man alive! What a stinko thousand years.

So, if I could have my yo-yo back... If you were me would you give back the yo-yo? Here you go... just kidding. Here you go... just kidding. Well, would you?

Well, duh! With what, Ned?

And don't worry. All the laundry and dirty dishes will be there when you get back. No, they won't. We'll all pitch in on the housework. Right, guys? Guys? Get that! Whoo-hoo!

There's no such thing as a soul! Fine.

What? What's that? Hi, Mom. Hi, Dad. Home already? Boy, time really flies when you're reading-- The Bible? Ew. Well, we brought some pizza. If you don't start making more sense, we're gonna have to put you in a home.

Ralph, I just got through sorting those. I dropped my "Popsticle" in your toy chest. Ralph, would you just-- Look! A rocket ship! That's not a toy! Hey! Do you know how to play hide-and-seek?

Now you're charming. You don't know me. This guy here, this is the guy.

Okay. And I further decree... that everything will be just like it was... before all this happened. And no one will ever mention it again... under penalty of torture.

Dad, do you think you might have been brainwashed? I have not been brainwashed. Kill the girl. Kill the girl.

When will they stop? Come nightfall. How about we take a family walk around the block? Yay! I want to amble. I want to saunter. Amble. Saunter.

There we go. Mmm! Long live the hero cat of Springfield! Yay! I make you lasagna. You eat it up like-a the cat in the funny papers... who's-a not so funny.

It's too late. Well, old friend, we always knew this day would come. Say good-bye to your brother. What the hell!

has my full support. No, Marge. You’re not gettin' it. ts me, Homer- Simpson. We got a location, Chief. Good work, Lou. We'll leave right after dinner. Lisa, this is from your mom. Aw. Life on the lam is really hard.

and your sparkling, whale-free seas. Hey, what's goin' on? What's happening? Folks, we're experiencing... some moderate Godzilla-related turbulence at this time, so I'm gonna go ahead... and ask you to put your seat belts back on. When we get to 35,000 feet he usually does let go, so from there on out, all we have to do...

Oh, I'm crying I'm so sad. Way to go, Grampa. I'll never trust another old person. I fooled you ! So long, suckers ! Yeah. General Sherman.

I have to go now.

Worst voicing ever.

I'm blind. Oh, well. Easy come, easy go.

Did you hear about Miss Hoover ? She drank a bottle of drain cleaner by mistake.

It-- Ohh! - Another place mat, sir? - Please. While we're waiting for our pie, let's take a minute to remember Great-Aunt Gladys.

Oh, God! It's baby blood! Don't worry. I know just what to do. (GROANING)

Don't worry. They'll forget... just like they forgot about me in that tiger cage for 18 agonizing months. Every night I wake up screaming.

Hey, get that truck out of here! You mean, it ate Patrick too? It ate everybody. What about Erica? It ate everybody! It ate everybody, stupid!

Can you open my milk, Mommy? I'm not Mommy, Ralph. I'm Miss Hoover.

And the winner, Moe Szyslak!

Now, don't touch any of those buttons in front of you... for a very important reason, i.e., you are wired into the rest of your family. You have the ability to shock them, and they have the ability to shock-- just testing. Why, you--

"Gravity is my copilot." Hey, boss. just in case you need it. Ahh, thanks, guys. Now get out of here! Oh, I didn't realize this hill was so high. Could I have another--

Get the ax. The watchdog of public safety. Is there any lower form of life?

There's hot lava under the ground! Actually, when it's underground, lava is called magma! You're so smart, Chloe! Walter Cronkite told me the same thing! Shut up!

Okay, let's make this sporting, Leonard. If you can tell me why I shouldn't fire you without using the letter "E," you can keep your job. Uh, okay. Um-- I'm a good work-- guy. You're fired. But I didn't say-- You will.

Bart! Be with you in a minute.

Now, where were we? Oh, yeah! The important thing was that I had an onion on my belt, which was the style at the time.

Mmm. Smells delightful.

Hey, Clinton, get back to work. Make me. They're having a great time, and I'm stuck in here.

Look, look, look! The doggy sneezed! Ha! It thinks it's people. Oh, smoochie. Here, poochie, poochie, poochie! My geode must be acknowledged. Oh, brother. All right. Back to show-and-tell. Bart, why don't you put the doggy away?

Oh! (GRUNTING) Oh, the pain! (GROANING) Man was not meant to sit up! Oh! We've got an emergency here. We need 10 cc's pronto. And by cc's, I mean cupcakes.

What's the matter, sir ? Never have I seen you look so unhappy while purchasing such a large quantity of ice cream. The reason I look unhappy is that tonight... I have to see a slide show starring my wife's sisters. Or as I call 'em, the Gruesome Twosome.

You said you'd go to the prom with me. I also said I hated you, and we haven't even talked since then. I was afraid you'd cancel, so I stayed away from you... even though it meant skipping school for three weeks and graduating this summer. - I hope. - Hmm.

The airplane's upside-down.

I think I speak for everyone in this bed when I say you have nothing to worry about.

Now, how 'bout a hug?

(LAUGHING EVILLY) Some sucker will think he's getting beer, but he's really gonna get a face full of melon! Seedless melon! (LAUGHING) Shh. Don't ruin the moment. Oh, boy, free beer!

Fong and Sutroy. Kimball and Dawson. Aimee and Drucker. Simpson and... Burns? Oh!

we're that little extra spice that makes existence extra nice A giddy little thrill at A reasonable price our only maJor quarrel's with your total lack of morals our skimpy costuMes ain't so bad They seem to entertain your dad

No, really. You're lazy and self-righteous. And the soles of your feet are jet-black. Well, I do walk through pretty much anything. Oh, you kids are sweet. I know you feel bad about the juice incident, but I'm sure you can make up for it somehow. That's it! Somehow!

I'm sure we'll appreciate each other all the more when we meet up at dinner. Are you kids gonna be all right? Kids?

Homer, do you remember our last family vacation... when you made us go to the Bowlers' Hall of Fame in St. Louis, Missouri... so you could see that car shaped like a giant bowling pin ?

Good. Take this note over to the referee. "We forfeit"?

Ah, forget it. Let's go.

Great Barrier Reef, we're under attack! Eat slaw, Skinner! We're slawin' him up good! Nelson doesn't know what he's missing. Why's he wasting his time with that Simpson chick?

You're dead, nerd! The bully has caught my scent, and she's at maximum rage. Professor Frink. Very well, Lisa. I'll just finagle this-- glayvin. Are you mad, Frink? Put down that science pole!

What the hell are you..? Oh, my couch! The arms, the seat... The dream is over. Who did this?

It's too bright. I oughta-- Flanders. What a big show-off.

What do you think? Do I remind you of troubled troubadour David Crosby? No, you remind me of silly billy Ned Flanders. Would a silly billy sit like this? Ooh! Rod, Call Dr. Stein. All right, Bart-- Fire in the hole.

Here he is, Rex Harrison and Paul Anka rolled into one. Ooh! That tonic really works. You and Grampa should bottle it and go into business. You want me to spend more time with Dad? What about my New Year's resolution? You can make a lot of money. Yeah! Where are my pants?

Bart, the only reason to apologize... is if you look deep down inside yourself and you find a spot, something you wish wasn't there, because you feel bad you hurt your sister's feelings. Leave me alone. just look !

Tut, tut, gentle Marge. Here in the boudoir the gourmand metamorphosizes into... the voluptuary! What in God's name are you talking about? Oh. ...The itchy & scratchy show!

Well, what about this? The Duff Book of World Records. It's got pictures of deformities. Okay.

Holy Christmas!

Okay, Marge. Let's go. I'll catch up to you. Marge, I'm taking the car. I'll walk. This late? Through the bad neighborhood? Yeah. Marge-- Go home! You're bad luck! Wait! I see what's happening here. You're just mad because everyone in this town loves gambling except for you!

All right. Fair enough. I suppose you know your business. Get ready for fun! Fun! Fun! Uh, people are already here. We don't need to keep hustling them like this, do we? Will you let go of me? Where are you throwing me?

Let's cut him in chunks and worship the chunks. Ooh! Now let's see. Which one is Ling?

Well, that brought back a lot of memories. All right, gentlemen, I'll take your case. But I'm going to have to ask for a thousand-dollar retainer. A thousand dollars? But your ad says, "No money down."

Homer. Homer, I think I heard a noise.

Your whole life you never said one nice thing to me.

The Chiefs are my five star, silver bullet special. With your blessing, I'd like to tie it to the Cowboys plus five at Chicago. You call Moe. Moe, this is L.S. calling for H.S. just bet, Lisa.

Then welcome to the nether regions of the soul. Now, here's what we do.

And that's why I personally thank God we pay too much for drugs. I mean, the right amount. I mean, not enough. Here. Watch this video. PHARMACEUTICAL NARRATOR: The mighty Amazon River. The natives had a word for it. Then we got rid of the natives,

We've got to rub some garlic on you before the next full moon. Don't feel bad for losin'. I was wrestling wolves back when you were at your mother's teat.

No. You might hit a made man. They want light. By God, the/ll get light. No!

So long, suck-- Get out and stay out. Las Vegas doesn't care for out-of-towners. Take your money and go someplace else.

Did you get that, Simon? Brilliant} f inhaies f

Did the maniac kill her? Natch. You know how I know? How? Because... I was that maniac. Hey, I was just kidding. That's it. He's out of here.

Now I'm gonna spend the whole day helping schmoes with their problems. Got a problem, Bart? The girl at school won't go to the dance with me. Bart's got a girlfriend. No, I don't. That's the problem. Bart's got a problem.

Oh, my God. That's my wife-- and she's crying! Huh? Oh, lassie, dry your tears. Then show us your boobs. Ow. Ow. God help me! Dear God. Why are we fighting? I ain't doing any fighting.

You want to rent it, sir? Why? I just saw the best part.

Someone is charging room service to the company, sir. Well, we'll just see about that.

Closed-captioned by captions, inc. Los angeles

Moe, I wish you'd shut up. Hey ! Hubba-hubba ! Look, a chick ! And it's not even ladies' night. Hey, hey, guys ! Knock it off. It's just my wife. - Well, hello ! - My name's Marge.

Who cares? Anyway, it all happened during that magical summer of 1985. A maturing joe Piscopo left Saturday Night Live to conquer Hollywood. People Express introduced a generation of hicks to plane travel. And I was in a barbershop quartet.

This'll give his heartstrings a much-needed plucking. Huh? Aw, what a beautiful frame. Perfect for my day care permit. Sweet. Mm-hmm.

Here's a drawing of a spirochete. Love, Ralph." Oh, that's great, Ralph. Hey, kids ! I've learned that in two weeks the Springfield Museum of Natural History... will be closing forever due to a lack of interest. I urge you to see it while you can.

Larry, there's only one sure way to make him realize how much he loves you, and that is a phony kidnapping. Yeah, right. I don't know. Maybe I should just leave town. Phony kidnapping. Nah. I know what I gotta do.

Oh, you're just saying that because your boyfriend was in it. I'll bet you would've hated it if me and Lenny were Mr. Smith. Will you stop acting so jealous? Listen. I don't want to get spotted by the crowd, so I'm gonna take a leak behind the Dumpster. Look! It's Mel Gibson! Hey, everybody, rush over there!

I can fly. I can fly. Just kidding, I know I can't fly. I can glide, though. Whoa!

"My child is on the honor roll at Springfield Elementary."

The only risk I'm taking is running out of marshmallows. Ow! Somebody get a doctor! Oh, man. Another clock accident. No wonder. Look at this.

So, how was the office birthday party ? Oh, it was delightful. The frosting on the cake was this thick. And Eugene Fisk-- my poor sucker of an assistant--

It's gaining on us! I'm pedaling backwards. Abandon ship!

Marge, doesn't Lisa have a human face? Yes, and she's crying. That's it! Nobody messes with my little girl! I'm going to find those dolls!

johnny? Johnny? Johnny! Cool! I broke his brain.

oh, I Scram! There goes the last lingering thread of my heterosexuality.

Get him! Well, Seymour, because of your penny-pinching, we're coming back from a field trip with the fewest children yet. God bless the man who invented permission slips. Mmm. Uh, I think I got your lunch.

In 1804, President Jefferson sent Lewis and Clark and some embedded journalists to find the Northwest Passage. They paddled up the Mississippi from St. Louis. When winter came, Lewis and Clark tried to set up camp, but encountered much hardship.

Something was said. Not good. What was it? "Don't yell at Homer"! No, that's okay. What was it? "Slow." They called you "slow"! How dare you call me that? I-- Huh?

When did we become the bottom rung of society? I think it was when that cold snap killed off all the hoboes. Dad, what happened to the backseat? I had to sell it for gas money. Which I spent on a novelty horn.

do you like piÑA colonics and getting caUght in the rain caSting out in the ocean

LISA: It's a media circus. Woo-hoo! The circus! A media circus. Woo-hoo! I don't know the difference. LISA: ABC, CBS. Uh-oh. The Christian Science Monitor has a flat tire. I'll get the spare.

Hey, what's all that commotion outside? Why, it's one of those pretzel wagons the movie stars are always talking about. Here? At our plant? That's right, Lenny. Let's all give in to deliciousness... the Pretzel Wagon way!

Here we are. Chapter 2. "So your pressure is dropping." Dad, wake up! What?

And, they will be holding auditions to find a local youngster... to play Fallout Boy. Oh, and the air conditioner will be fixed this afternoon.

You're a nice guy, Monty. You're always laughing and tenting your fingers. I like that. Excellent. And you're so upbeat. You think everything's excellent.

Why, there are no children here at the 4-H Club either. Am I so out of touch? No. It's the children who are wrong.

Hey, macarena Please! I'm trying to drive!

$10,000! You've saved my network. Wouldn't be the first time.

The Shrieking Sheik lives just three doors away. Hey! I'll take it.

Ice cream! Ice cream! Workers, please. There'll be time for the frozen-pudding wagon later. You still owe me 10 more Iroquois twists.

Don't worry, boy. We'll get some grub, even if we have to pay for it.

Wait. That ain't funny. He's my best customer. Well, the handwriting's on the wall. To stay afloat, this bar is gonna have to go queer. You mean it's not? Oh. Wrong again, Gay Guide to Springfield.

Oh. You haven't said that in four years. Let Lisa have it. It's the principle. She's gotta learn. No! Now, park your keister, "meister." ¡Ay, caramba!

Now, go do my bidding! Uh, whatever it may be.

George! Yes, dear. Okay. I'm sorry I spanked your boy, Homer.

The review, "Play Enjoyed By All," speaks for itself.

And, so, when no one could think of a plan to resurrect Itchy and Scratchy,

to somewhere very special. Well, I'll be. The Itchy and Scratchy Movie. Come on. What do you say? All right. I think you've learned your lesson.

I've got it! We're going out, Marge! If we don't come back, avenge our deaths! All right!

Go on, Maggie. Go on, Maggie. Go! Go!

You a winner! Ha-ha-ha! You a winner! Ha-ha-ha! You a winner! Ha-ha-ha! Halogen lamps, kilim rugs? You can't afford this. How can you afford this?

Oh, rats. Talk about bad luck. I forgot to wear socks today. Guess I can't try those on. Yeah, no problem. You can wear the store sock. Ew.

a Matlock Expressway!

This year's shows are classics. There's The Laughter Family. That's animated. Networks like animation 'cause they don't have to pay the actors squat! Plus they can replace them, and no one can tell the diddly-ifference. And now mid-season kicks off with Admiral Baby. Yee-hee-hee!

Get off the bus or forever hold your peace, little dudes !

Oh, little Bart. We hear all about your monkeyshines. Bet you get into all kinds of trouble he don't even know about. Am I right? Well, I make some crank phone calls. Aw, ha-ha, that's great! Ha-ha-ha! Hey, would you sing that old song you used to sing for me?

D.M.Y. What's D.M.Y.? "Don't mess yourself." Ew! Yeah. That's why we changed it to D.M.Y. Don't worry, Lisa. There's still plenty of time. You'll get a date. I don't want a date! And I don't wanna wear perfume and cocktail dresses!

Nice try, Todd. Isn't this fun, honey?

My purpose in life is to witness this moment.

This year's topic is "Resolved: The national speed limit should be lowered to 55 miles per hour."

It's so exciting. I'm meeting my peers. Ooh, the Future Sphere!

This document conforms to all applicable laws and statutes.

All right. You listen up, you little freaks! The fun stops here. You're gonna shut your stinkin' traps and behave, damn it! This is one substitute you're not gonna screw with!

Shut it off. They're losers. Where you been? The Isotopes are on fire. Yeah, that sniper at the all-star game was a blessing in disguise.

I've been dRiving all night my hands wet on the wheel

J; f Tooting f Heh, hehl ts Mardi Gras time in Springfield. This year's Mardi Gras king is none other than iooai hothead, Homer Simpson. Long iive the king! in a related story, Homer Simpson may not have iong to iive.

My poor jar. Aw, why didnt I take more photos? f Woman f w' Memories w' w' Like the corners of m y minds

Quit stallin', kid. Write "Springfield Sucks" in giant letters. Oh!

If she fails, we're broke. If she succeeds, I have no husband. I don't know what to root for. You don't? I gotta go. Homer? Later, Marge. Lurleen's on TV tonight. I gotta get ready.

Okay, okay. This time I'll just go into the bushes over there, make a lot of noise and flush out a rabbit. And when he comes out, you step on him. Right, Dad.

It's the Krusty Burglar! Oh, my God! He's stealing all the burgers! Why, you little-- I got you! Ho-- Homer, it's-- it's all just an act.

Maybe we could shop somewhere else.

Not so fast, boyo.

Testing. Testing.

That's assault! That is assault! It was the best Thanksgiving ever. I mean, emotionally it was terrible, but the turkey was so moist. The carcass of the Simpsons' empire had been picked clean. But then came help from an unexpected source.

where Timmy O'Toole has apparently taken a turn for the worse.

Uh, Dad, I don't think the dog can handle any more bacon. Looks like he's about ready for another squeezin'.

This is so sad.

I don't know about this, Bart dude. Your dad is right. I am a bum. He didn't call you a bum. He called you a sponge. sponge?! Does this look like something a sponge would do?! I'll show him who's a sponge.

You’re gonna be just fine. Oh! Hello, Scratchy. The Big Bopper? Ritchie Valens? Buddy Holly? No!

I'm going for a corn dog. You want one? Yes. But first, there's a little matter of the carny code. Cooder, Spud, get off that hog. You're coming to stay at our house. Why did you shudder just now, Mom?

Bart, did you glue those on? Oh, don't be ridiculous.

Ah! My. She seems too good to be true. I'll say. Her butt waxed the bannister. Ooh! I can see myself.

They sing without juicers. They sing without blenders. They sing without flunjers, capdabblers and smendlers! Ooh! Tell Simpson I'm ready to deal. All right, Homer, you can have the dental plan...

Oh, baby. This was a wonderful idea, Homie. Mmm!

Very nice, Homer.

So, Homer, you saw the big cheese? What'd he look like? Perfect teeth, nice smell, a class act all the way. Homer, you're crazy! Tell him this is all crazy.

Look at Moe dance. Aloha, Moe That's nice. But maybe your homecoming float should have something to do with college. Yeah, you're right. I think Godzilla's bigger than Superman. It's not to scale.

That's too funny! I can't remember when I've heard a funnier anecdote! Okay, now you tell one.

Who needs the kwik-e-mart I do Hey, he's not happy at all! He lied to us through song!

Huh? I never looked behind this whatchamacallit case before. Huh? That's weird. It's like something out of that twilight-y show about that zone.

This is his first Jellyfish Festival alone. I know. And it doesnt get any easier from here. There's the Tongue Kissing Festival... Cinco de Ocho... the Hobo Oscars.

Why, you little-- Homie, you're all right! We're a family again!

No! No! No one is taking my kids from me!

So much better than that Sarah, plain and tall.

Now, this is a picture of your enemy, Todd Flanders. Every day I want you to spend 15 minutes staring at it...

As you know, we've inherited quite a budget crunch from President Trump. How bad is it, Secretary Van Houten? We're broke. The country is broke? How can that be? Well, remember when the last administration decided to invest in our nation's children?

Wait a minute. Maybe it's that other grave. The one that says "Simpson." Oh! Why does my death keep coming back to haunt me? Oh! You awful, awful man! Get out of my son's grave!

Amen! Baboons to the left of me, baboons to the right. The speeding locomotive tore through a sea of inhuman fangs.

Yep. Pretty much. Well, I learned my lesson.

Oh, I get it. When I'm crushing and killing you, you don't like me.

It looks good. But I'm not gonna celebrate till he's gaffed, gutted, and hanging in my trophy room. Hah!

My glasses! Please, kids, play sanitary.

every one of this state's requirements to box, wrestle or be shot out of a cannon. That's what we get for living in a state founded by circus freaks. You have an absolutely unique genetic condition known as "Homer Simpson Syndrome." Oh, why me? Don't worry. It's quite beneficial.

It means he gets results, you stupid chief! Dad, sit down. Oh, I'm sorry.

Please do not be alarmed. Itchy and Scratchy will still have a home here. But we will also learn about nutrition, self-esteem, etiquette... and all the lively arts. What the hell are you doing, Lis ? I'm watching Sideshow Bob. He's a lot less patronizing than Krusty used to be.

What? Did I miss something? Oh, God! Oh, Homer, no! This is outrageous. You can't do that. No! You really are stupid. And the official Stonecutter underwear too.

I will now draw the first winning number. I've got so many tickets I can't lose. The first number is 17. D'oh! You can still win money if you have five out of six. Woo-hoo! And the second number is three. D'oh!

Let me out! I'm innocent! I changed my mind! I don't want to be in here anymore! Forget it, Simpson. You're going to the chair. The interrogation chair. Plug it in, boys.

Did I mention this book was written... by a guy named Robert Louis Stevenson ? And published by the good people at McGraw-Hill. So, in conclusion, on the Simpson scale of one to ten-- ten being the highest, one being the lowest and five being average-- I give this book a nine.

That's it... Come closer.

In Cards! Hey, Jack, you got any twos? You can't handle the twos! Oh, Marge, don't you love it when our hands meet in the popcorn tub? Mmm-hmm. (BOTH GIGGLING) Hey, Marge! Howdy, partner!

Wobble, wobble, wobble... Wobble, wobble, wobble... Wobble, wobble, wobble...

They'll pay for what they did to my can! Forget it, Homer. It's Chiro-town. You know, when Superintendent Chalmers suggested a school mural, I almost thought he said a school Muriel.

Ogdenville! But I think one school... red, white and blew us all away! Oh. And the winner is... Ogdenville!

Ralph. "A." Janey. "A."

What is the meaning of this? Smithers, who is this beast that's shaking me? D'oh! Say it, Burns! Say I never shot you... before. Shot? By you? I'm afraid not, my primitive friend.

Now to the top of Mount Springfield for the coronation. Remove the Stone of Shame. Whoo-hoo! Attach the Stone of Triumph.

You see? It's cool to be smart.

That Simpson. He thinks he's the pope of chili town. Well! This year I am ready for him. Hello, Chief.

Are the good people at best western hotels. Bart! Selma! Oh! You tried to kill me. I want a separation. My best-laid plans have gang agley.

Bart, I hope you won't bear some sort of simpleminded grudge against me.

and Phony Tornado Alarms Reduce Readiness. I'm here today to give you the skinny on shoplifting, thereby completing my plea bargain... with the good people at Foot Locker of Beverly Hills. Shoplifting began here in ancient Phoenicia.

Guess who, fat boy!

You hate your father, don't you? Sometimes. But the guy I really hate is your father. I shouldn't have brought that up. I was just venting. Anyhoo, I think your fear of death is causing your insomnia, which is provoking your erratic behavior. Well, why isn't my baby gaining weight?

Well, sir. Many of our clients find pants confining, so we offer a range of alternatives for the ample gentleman. Ponchos, muumuus, capes, jumpsuits, unisheets, muslin body rolls, academic and judicial robes. I don't wanna look like a weirdo. I'll just go with a muumuu.

And I love you, too, brake fluid. (BELCH) Chloe left town as soon as Barney proposed. I would've followed her, but my plans changed when God brought me a wonderful little boy. Bart, stop that! This isn't what it looks like.

Give it up, Smithers. Actually, sir, we've been booked into a small theater in New Mexico. Whoa. Whoa. Slow down there, maestro. There's a new Mexico? Yes. I want to go there and make my dream come true. I'll just be gone for a week. Oh, fine. I can amuse myself.

Skinner's the real Grinch! I'm all for rescuing the kids, but I wish you hadn't sawed off my roof. My car, your roof. It's only fair. - B-- But it's my car. - Well, yeah. Hey, whatever happened to the plow from your old snowplow business?

When I first arrived you were all such Jerks but now I've Come to lo-o-ove your quirks Maggie with her eyes so bright Marge with hair by Frank Lloyd wright

Bart, if life has taught me one lesson repeatedly, it's to know when I'm beaten.

Uh, are you sure that's safe?

As long as the puppies don't do anything else wrong, they stay. Hmm! On a completely unrelated topic, I'm having a very, very important dinner party tonight. Splendid! Who's coming? Reverend Lovejoy, your old army drill sergeant, and the regional director of the I.R.S.

These are the three demons you must slay if you wish to succeed in business. When opportunity knocks, you don't want to be driving to the maternity hospital... or sitting in some phony-baloney church. Or synagogue. Questions?

Mom, Bart wrecked my project, and the science fair's in three days.

It means you have to fix the roof. Don't worry, honey. I found us a roofer last night. And you'll never guess where. Knockers on Route 98. How did you know? I'm psychic. Look, I don't know if I want a roofer who hangs out in bars. (SCOFFS) You're right, Marge.

Sorry, Monty. I was feeding Waylon Junior. Will you put that baby down? There's something wrong with the reactor core. I better go in and have a look. No, Waylon Senior. It could be filled with atoms and steam and other nuclear bric-a-brac.

Well, I don't know. Are you man enough to test every one of your limits? Yes. And are you man enough... to throw a punch should the opportunity arise? Yes! And are you man enough to give me a 60% cut? Yes! I'll take it. Whoo-hoo!

Ooh. You're curing me with acupuncture. No. A porcupine snuck in while you were asleep. Go on! Shoo! Come back in Year of Porcupine, which is never! I'd like you all to meet someone.

Whoo-hoo! I'm Krusty the Clown, and I don't like you. I'm Krusty the Clown, and I'm going to kill you. Didn't even pull the string that time. I said I'm going to kill you. You, Homer Simpson.

Now let's go to Arnie Pie in the Sky. I can see them right below me. I'm gonna try to nail the driver with one of my shoes. Arnie, please leave this to the police. I'm sick of being a reporter. I want to make the news! Arnie, this is not the time! You're not the time, Kent! You're not the time!

And there's that awful script from The Cable Guy. Lemme see. Stupid script! Nearly wrecked jim Carrey's career! YOu-- I'm gonna-- What? The food is exquisite.

Lisa, you have to wait. Great. This is the worst Christmas ever. Now, I know you love video games, and I asked the clerk, "Which is the one every boy wants?" You got me--

Ah! You wanna know what happened? Really? We were playing four square, and I called no double taps.

Marge, Bart rides up in the front seat today... because he's a good guy at sports.

Broken jaw? Ohh! He won't be able to talk for quite some time. I've wired his jaw shut. It's all explained in this pamphlet. "So Your Life is Ruined." Oh, dear. You can't eat solid foods. Those are his favorites.

Well, your cholesterol level is lethally high, Homer, but I'm more concerned about your gravy level.

Say it, Burns! Say I never shot you... before. Shot? By you? I'm afraid not, my primitive friend. Your kind has neither the cranial capacity, nor the opposable digits to operate a firearm.

Uh-oh. Oh. Oh. Hey, these guys are all over the road!

I told you this was a bad idea. All right, all right! I'll get rid of the trampoline. Hey, Krusty. I'm bringing back the-- You just keep right on driving.

All right. ¡ÁNdale! ¡ÁNdale! You're out there somewhere. But where? Where?

I don't want you reading those awful scandal sheets.

Now, if the berries are too tart,

Hey, it's the beer copter! What the bloody hell? Hit the road, gramps. This is a private skybox.

Gee! I never thought I'd say this about a TV show,

Come on. Open it! Open it! Uh... maybe a little later, Bart. just 'cause your mom didn't let you have a party-- We had a lovely time on Saturday, Milhouse. I liked the balloons. I liked the party hats. What do you mean? Nothing. Twins.

It worked. It worked. The lie has set me free! Well, I'm hot-blooded

I wore it the day Kennedy was shot, and it always brings me good luck. Why, thanks, Senator. Oop! Looks like my shift is over. Uh-oh! Come on, lucky seven! Papa needs a new pair of spats. I want some of that sweet, sweet do-re-mi!

Let's go crazy Broadway-style!

Can I buy that? Please? Well, you-- If you-- Really? Wha-- Ha! Hot dog! A sale! Huh? I'll take it from here, Gil. No! Wait! Ah, no! You can't take my sale! My wife's gonna leave me if I don't start bringing in the green.

I caught up with Burt on the set. So, Burt, tell us a little about Fireball and Mudflap. Well, I play jerry "Fireball" Mudflap, a feisty Supreme Court justice, who's searching for his birth mother... while competing in a cross-country fire truck race. It's garbage.

Our feature race-- the Nuclear Power Plant Championship! Plant! Plant! Ah! At last. Smithers, fetch the bi-oculars. Damnation! Tell them to go slower. Yes, sir. Hi, guys.

(CRYING) Sorry, Ralphie. The bakeoff rejected your recipe. I want to be in the bakeoff. There, there. I think your grilled crayon sandwich was delicious.

- There's nothing wrong with it. - Excuse me. He was addressing me. I know. There's nothing wrong with it. Excuse me. There is. I think it's a bad influence on children. Oh, give me a break ! I think that is a bunch of baloney. And here's why. In preparing for this debate, I did a little research, and I discovered a startling thing.

Ooh, oops. I've said too much. Smithers, use the amnesia ray. You mean, the revolver, sir? Precisely. Be sure to wipe your own memory clear when you're finished.

Let me help you dry those tears. So what's the problem, son ? I had a run-in with a bully. A bully ? Come on, Marge ! I don't bug you when you're helping Lisa. Well, Bart, I hope you're going straight to the principal about this.

Of course you did. But there's the truth, and the truth! Let me show you. It's awfully small. I'd say it's awfully cozy.

Crumb-bums? Nobody calls me a crumb-bum! Hey, back off, james. I'll handle this, Lisa. You go have a fig bar. Hey, thanks for embarrassing me, dingus! You asked for it, man.

Well, why were you trying to make us eat all the time ? Make you eat ? We merely provided a sumptuous banquet.

Pl y, oarambai I'm off women forever. w'w' f Piano: “Fur Elise"] Support the arts! Yeah! All right! That's rad! Yeah! This is the cheapest vacation youve ever taken me on.

I appreciate your passion on behalf of your medium.

The mill, the history, all that gorgeous foliage. I can't "exscape" Lisa, our little walking "libary."

Uh-oh! He's got a Daisy! We'd better scram. Eighteen more pumps, that could break the skin. Hey, thanks, Moe. And that's how a troubled, young Moe saved the day.

Uh, we've heard you've become a star. We decided we better start living in the fast lane. What if I'm not a success? How will you pay for all this?

Not I.D., Dad. "Id." It's a word. - As in, "This game is stup-id." - Hey, shut up, boy.

So, you mean our whole marriage youve just been resenting me behind my back? A little bit, yeah. Fine! I'll go sleep with someone who does appreciate mel

Well, there's the fat kid with the thing. The little wiener who's always got his hands in his pockets. They want a name, not a vague description. Okay. Hank? Hank? Hank who?

Now we can blame him for everything ! It's your fault I'm bald ! I'm sorry. It's your fault I'm old ! I'm sorry. It's your fault I can't talk ! I'm sorry ! It's your fault America has lost its way. I'm sorry. It's all your fault !

Oh, look. It's the 12:00 noon robot parade. Hurry up, or we'll have to wait for the 12:05 parade.

What are we gonna do, Homer? My kids are gonna be traumatized. And then there's Maude. And then there's Maude! I don't know, Flanders. Having two wives could have its advantages. Chop, chop, dig, dig. Chop, chop, dig, dig. Chop, chop, dig, dig.

What's good as new? Who's talking? I'm so hungry I could eat at Arby's. Oh, my gosh! Oh, wow! She really is hungry. She's really hungry. It's the monster! No, it's not. It's my tummy.

You’ve been elected King of Mardi Gras! Whoo-hoo! Good things do happen to bad people! Honey, the king of Mardi Gras has to ride around on a float all day. You’ll be a sitting duck. Marge, you’re embarrassing me in front ofthe drag queen. J;

Mr. Simpson, we all have nosebleeds. Oh, for the love of--

You can ask her right now. She's glaring at us from the front lawn. Marge, it's my fault we're a little late. How dare you show my daughter a life of fun and possibility? Hey! Keep your dishwashing hands off the Armani.

What the-- Montgomery Burns, you're under arrest for grand, grand, grand, grand larceny. Uuh! I'm not the thief. The government is.

In fact, I made a graph. I make a lot of graphs. Well, what gets you through the day? Oh, many things. Tai chi, chai tea, but I find when I can't keep the unhappy thoughts from swirling in my brain,

"Many of us are bitter, resentful individuals... "who remember the good old days... "when entertainment was bland and inoffensive. "The following is a list of words... "I never want to hear on television again. "Number one: bra.

My dad's a pretty big wheel down at the cracker factory.

What are you lookin' at? "What are you looking at?" The innocent words of a drunken child. Well, I'll tell you what we're looking at, young man. A town gone mad!

Our foreign exchange student Uter has chosen Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. I-- But this is just an empty box. I begged you to look at mine first. I begged you.

Oh, it's hopeless. Utterly, utterly hopeless. Oh, I see.

Good evening. Tonight my guest is AFL-CIO chairman, George Meany, who will be discussing collective bargaining agreements. It's a pleasure to be here, Krusty. Let me be blunt. Is there a labor crisis in America today?

Next, they're gonna show my movie. - You made a movie? - I made a movie? No wonder I was on the cover of Entertainment Weekly.

I'm done. Oh! That cost $88! I don't feel much like eating. Look, I let you down and I apologize. I know that doesn't make it right. I hope you can forgive me. I forgive you. D'oh! You didn't mean that. No, I didn't.

Who designed this house?

So Burns is gonna make us all go on a stupid corporate retreat up in the mountains... to learn about teamwork,

Godspeed, little doodle.

Say, if you tell me where you obtained it, I will overlook the ice cream sandwiches concealed in your armpits, eh? Deal. Okay. Here are your fraudulent documents, Mr. Nahasapeemapetilon.

you were told that you'd be dating a billionaire on his private island. Well, I'm afraid we misled you. (GASPING) Get ready, skanks. Here comes the truth train! This isn't an island. It's a peninsula. (DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING) (GASPING) This was supposed to be about trust!

Seymour. Hmm? You're fired! I'm sorry. Did-- Did you just call me a liar? No. I said you were fired. Oh. That's much worse.

I'm going to Africa...

It's over there.

Fine. I'll give her an IQ test if only to extinguish all hope. All right, my quiet American, how many eyes do you have? Go on, Maggie. You can do it. Well, congratulations. You're now as intelligent as a pig. Let's see if you can move up to dolphin.

I just never mentioned it, but it's time you knew how I feel. I don't believe in keeping feelings bottled up. Good-bye, my wife. Good-bye, Homer.

Duh! A challenge I could do. It was worth sneaking into town. That was some good corn.

I don't know why. It's a perfectly "cromulent" word.

Now, Simpson family, have you picked a wish? Well, I haven't talked it over with the family-- but I think we'd all like a free dinner at Americatown. No, no, no. We want plane tickets home to Springfield.

Route 401 is going around and around... and around and around and around. And look out at the corner of 12th and Main because I'm gonna be sick. Whoop. Okay, Mr. Sun, gimme what you got.

Oh! Makes no sense. I haven't changed since high school, and suddenly I'm uncool. I've been kicked out of paradise. I'll never be part of the scene again. Uh-oh.

Ay, caramba! Bart, Lisa did a wonderful job on my hair. And we saved $40 for the family. We all have to pull together till your father gets a new job.

I don't care if you're Kristi Yamaguchi. No one leaves the building. This stinks. We'll miss the Itchy and Scratchy where they finally kiss. I don't care if they're kissing Kristi Yamaguchi. You're not going home!

You little sneaks, you're coming with me. Next time you little hoodlums try this, I'm calling your parents ! Oh, yeah ? Well, we don't wanna see your crummy movie anyway. Yeah. We'll take our business elsewhere.

Whoo-hoo! You bought a car without consulting me? I don't recall being consulted when you bought that hat. I found this hat. Then what are you complaining about? You got yours. Mm, mm, mm.

(RAP MUSIC PLAYING)

Whoa! What the hell?

Damn! That town's got too much spirit. Looks like we'll have to steal some other baseball team. See what Dallas wants for the Cowboys. Uh, that's a football team, sir.

I think we hit something. I hope it's Flanders. I'm just kidding! Hey, you're all right. Now, children, if you have to answer nature's call during the night,

Now, you can either have the washer and dryer where the lovely Smithers is standing,

I am a workaholic.

Oh. Hey! Hey! Hey! Stop it! I made a special cake for you to ruin. It's over there. Ooh.

So, which one ofthese psychos is gonna help me catch my killer? He's right in here. Access denied! Oh, fine. I gotta use a fork.

Adding a new character is often a desperate attempt to boost low ratings. Yo, yo. How's it hangin', everybody? Morning, Roy. Yeah, hi, Roy. Hey, they're having open casting for the voice of Poochie.

No on 24. It's a landslide! Yes on 24. The proposition passed with a record 95%.

How did I get here? What is this place? This is... the Island. How do I get out of here? Oh, no one leaves the Island. So I'm a prisoner? How come? Because you know something. But I don't know anything-- At least I don't think I do. See you tomorrow. No, you won't!

and now it's finally paying off. We're rich! Richer than astronauts! Homer, quiet! You'll queer the deal. Oh. Right. I reluctantly accept your proposal. Well, everyone always does. Buy him out, boys.

Mind if I chew your ear?

Well, I'll always have my crank calls. Hello? Old lady from Titanic? You stink! And it grows to a powerful, emotional climax...

Hot fudge! Arr! lt burns! Oh, great. And I just got all that gum out of my armpits.

Will everyone please stop fighting and burning? Never! (SCREAMING) - Beat the lumps. - BART: Hey! Beat the lumps. Beat the lumps. BART: Ay, caramba! Homie, I disagree with your approach to the children. (GRUNTING) (GUNSHOT) (HOMER SCREAMS) (MARGE COCKS GUN) - (GUNSHOT) HOMER: D'oh!

I'm only 10 and I already got two mortal enemies. And this proposed expressway will bring... increased commerce to all local merchants. What's in it for us? Yeah, give us something we like, or we'll ride you out of town on a rail! Well, what do you, uh, people like? Sleep!

If you freeze the frame, you can see that the chunks of barf... are actually pictures of our animators and their friends.

(PLAYING DIFFERENT TUNE) (TIRES SCREECHING) D'oh! (SCREAMS) (BRAKES SCREECHING)

- Kids can be so cruel. - But it's true. They didn't write their own songs or play their own instruments. The Monkees weren't about music, Marge. They were about rebellion, about political and social upheaval!

Ooh! We left at 1:30 p.m. Monday. What time is it now?

Oh, boy! Anyway, as part of Krusty's plea bargain, he has a new court-ordered sidekick-- Ms. No-Means-No. Whoa! You're hot! Let's get some dinner after the show.

Excuse me, Mr.... Trainee, I'm trying to find a musical doorbell. Well, you came to the right place.

What ? Marge ! Lisa ! Maggie !

"Homer, meet me 4th street overpass midnite." Wait a minute. This is today's paper! That meeting is tonight! Don't tell me you're actually going. Marge, I don't know what this is. But sometimes you've just gotta go with your gut. You always go with your gut.

I don't hear an alarm. Let's take stuff. Whoa! Isn't that stealing? No, it's just looting. Sweet. Let's go nuts. Hot town Summer in the city Back of my neck gettin' dirty and gritty Mannequins! You can't buy these! Oh, look at all these tube socks!

I didna cry when me own father was hung for stealin' a pig, but I'll cry now.

Oh, you will, honey. You will. $300 for doing nothing? I feel like such a crook. Don't worry. Gets easier every week.

Bart sold his soul And that's just swell Now he's going straight to Hello, operator Give me number nine No soul, huh?

of yesterday's outburst of unbridled creativity. No, sir. Wow, Mom ! Hmm. So that's where she gets it.

"But now it's time to say good-bye. Please get off my property until next year." I suggest you don't dawdle. The hounds will be released in ten minutes.

house she's mighty mighty just lettin' it all hang out she's A brick Uh, I don't know, Homer. Women can smell panic, and, uh, right now, I gotta be reeking of it. Relax. All I smell is garlic and fish.

Family vacations, jet packs, Solid Gold Dancers? There's only three left in the world. Well, stick around, 'cause I'm gonna tell you... the 12 savings secrets Wall Street won't tell you. Then I'll show you the three ways to get back to the highway--

It was I, you fools! The man you trusted isn't Wavy Gravy at all. And all this time, I've been smoking harmless tobacco.

You got it, Pop. just let me run a few pints through it first. As long as everybody's here, let's party! Any way you want it that's the way you need it anyway you want it

Now, Homer, this is no time to be thinking about food. Yeah, forget the doughnuts. We're here to go nuts. Musically, that is. What kind of song should we play? Something that swings with the beat of New Orleans. No. Something that rocks. That's the sound of today.

Thirty-eight, 39, 40 quarters.

But to save money on a new dish, we'll just call you Snowball II and pretend this whole thing never happened. That's really a cheat, isn't it? I guess you're right, Principal Tamzarian. I'll just be moving along, Lisa, Snowball II. (EXPLOSION)

and write up a report on coolness. Well, if my country needs me-- Can we skinny-dip? At Camp David? Sure! They couldn't keep pants on Kissinger. Whew. Settle down. Settle down!

This is a great invention. Watch. We got a great big convoy Rocking through the night We got a great big convoy Ain't she a beautiful sight? Convoy Quit it, Dad! Hey, good-looking,

Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! For me, the '60s ended that day in 1978. But, Homer, you can't let a single bad experience scare you away from drugs. But isn't marijuana, or "dope," illegal? Only for those who enjoy it.

i 'm gonna iive with Underground Grandma. i 'm gonna go to a two-year technicai school. . . then work in a garage. - f Groaning f - Seii-outi Yuppie! Soccer mom! i ii be batting . 352 in the majors! f Grunting f

Mmm. Delicioso ! My compliments to the delivery boy. We've eaten and eaten well. What else do we have to do ? Let's check the list your mom left us. Eat. Mm-hmm. Oh, clean up. Don't worry, everybody. This will be a breeze if we all pitch in.

I like to be held. I like to be pampered. So, if you're tired of dating the same old losers-- What are you doing, Homer? step up to the best. Ned Flanders, the man with the chest. Ew!

economic factors, both domestic and international-- Hey, hey! Yeah? - just say slavery. - Slavery it is, sir. Yes! I am a citizen! Now, which way to the welfare office? What? I'm kidding. I'm kidding. I work. I work.

Mmm. Steamed gentile. Dont worry. Us pigs will catch this killer. Now, Mr. Simpson, is it possible you’re living a double or triple life... that your wife doesnt know about? Triple? No. Definitely no. You have to do something to protect my husband.

Test. Test. Roses are red. April is the cruelest month. Cruelest month.

Who's joking? Oh, I don't know what you're saying. It all sounds so crazy to me. It simply means we'll be taking part of your salary... until your debt is repaid. Say, 75% for 40 years. But I don't plan to live that long. Oh, better make it 95%. Oy.

Dad ! Homer, what happened ? Oh, the boy. Bring me the boy.

Come on, Homer. How long does it take to go to the bathroom? Huh? "Dear Bart..." HOMER: I'd love to be with you. But I just remembered an old Army buddy has come to town. Will meet you later. Love, Dad. Well, I wish Homer was here.

And the results are in. For Sideshow Bob-- 100 percent. For joe Quimby-- one percent. And we remind you there is a one-percent margin of error.

Now, remember, the instant you finish it, I own your soul for-- Hey, wait, if I don't finish this last bite, you don't get my soul, do you? Uh, technically no, but--- I'm smarter than the devil! I'm smarter than the dev--

Welcome, friend. I'm Number Six. I'm number 15. What number are you? I am not a number! I am a man! And don't you ever-- Oh, wait. I'm Number Five. Ha, ha! In your face, Number Six! Yes. Well done. Who are all these oddballs?

You sure you wanna risk it?

(RUMBLING) Gotta go, sweetie! But I didn't read my poem! Here's a poem. Run fast or lose your ass!

Hey, don't worry. Things are gonna pick up once the entertainment gets here. oh, entertainment. Yes, sir.

Gotta find a good deed. Ha-ha! Bingo! Your dad is dead Mine's just in jail Nelson! Huh? Who said that? I am the ghost--

Wait. (GRUNTING) I did it. I pulled it out. And with no brain damage... (STUTTERING REPEATEDLY) Now we'll get all your chips out, go to the police and shut this place down.

Groundskeeper Willie and I will stay behind... to remove all traces of asbestos and the word "evolution" from our school.

I'm on vacation. Shh!

Maybe there's murder afoot. - Murder most foul? - Maybe. You know, if Dad never told anyone, that body must still be out there. This sounds like a case that only the Simpson family can solve. Oh. Okay. Uh-- W-We'll just be going then.

First of all, my hair is green, not blue. I got nothin' to work with here. - Nothin'! - Uh-- Well, at least I can take off this girdle. Ohh, yeah!

Oh, thank you, good sir!

May I say something? Certainly, Congressman.

I want to drive again! You? No way! It's too dangerous. Well, you're no angel behind the wheel. What about your D.U.I.? That was a D.W.I. Give Grampa a chance. Statistics show that old people drive...

Ahh-- D'oh! Ooh-- D'oh! This time-- D'oh! Ahh-- D'oh! Yeesh! This house stinks!

Welcome back, Dad. How's your mom ? Still kind of ticked off. Yeah, Good luck, man. Oh, thanks boy. Hello, Marge. It's me, Homer. Are you still mad ?

That's the first time he fights Dr. Crab.

You're the camel! Hey, this car's got cruise control. School, please. Homer, that's not how it-- It's happening. My horoscope was right!

I said. art sure no Craven, ghastly, grim and ancient Raven...

Oh, no! Somebody took my bike! Mom, I need a ride to school! We gotta get to the hospital, Homer!

Hey, you're that drunken posse. Wow! Can I join ya? I don't know. Can you swing a sack of doorknobs?

I... think... they've... stopped. Let's go.

But I don't remember what it was, so I'm watching TV. Well, Lenny's reign of terror is over. Mr. Burns bought the plant back this morning. And-- Enough chitchat. I need to see Lisa. I don't want to talk to you, Mr. Burns. Oh, I think you will. You see, I've just sold the Li'l Lisa Recycling Plant for $120 million.

Donald Trump? No. Arnold Palmer? No. Bill Cosby? No. D'oh!

You really had a lot of talent, kid.

All right. We will write a list. At the Golden Banana? No! Oh. Over, under, round and round, so your feet won't touch the ground. Now, let's see what awaits me in the next life.

Get me tools and beer! Yes! Free service, here we come.

We can't afford to shop at any store that has a philosophy. We just need a TV. We're going to go to the outlet mall in Ogdenville.

Give me the bear. The bear. The bear!

In the business we call it "retirony." What if you don't get shot? What a terrible thing to say. Now, look. You made my wife cry.

They cut corners everywhere. People! It's a deathtrap. No, Dad, you fell asleep in front of the TV watching The Towering Inferno. How do you know the title of my prophetic vision?

Lisa sang too-- in a tell-all book blasting the family. To prolong the run of the series, I was secretly given antigrowth hormones.

Well, that's it. We've been canceled. I think we can be proud... that we never did a bad show,

Mrs. Fun? Not bad.

and give you a makeover, Homina. Oh, that would be delight-- Quiet, boy. There's nothing to feel ashamed of here. Women have a right to a night out. Right, Lisa? Sure, Dad.

It's a beautiful day to kick your ass! You die now!

Sorry, I can't hear you, Marge. I'm clapping. Nighty-night.

Great. Now, let me think. The food was-- Mmm-- not undelicious. The food is delicious. That's brilliant.

I'll kidnap him for 50, deprogram him for 100, and I'll kill him for 500. No, no, no. just the first two. All right. I'll throw in the killin' for free.

You got the black one.

"It was the end of the Trojan War.

Shh-shh. Calm down. Calm down. Moving. You can sit down now. We're still going antiquing on Saturday, right, Mother? You see, folks? We're all trying to please someone else. And as soon as you're not a human being, you're a human doing.

You mean there's a better way? But that's all changed-- thanks to the juice Loosener.

Well, how about one of the "after" guys? Ahh! Oh, that's better. - I can ride a bike again! - Sorry. Ohh. When Springfield legalized gambling, Homer became a blackjack dealer, and comedy was "in the cards."

D'oh! The bee bit my bottom! Now my bottom's big! Homer, this is an exact replica of your workstation. Hmm? Now we're going to simulate a power surge in core sector 8.

What about jags? Jags are fine. Wonderful. A $50 bill? Gentlemen, let us shop. Our wide variety of gum comes in both stick and ball.

Nelson might be poor but I'm sure he has the seven dollars for today's field trip. Um... Well, actually... (BRAKES SQUEAL) (CHILDREN LAUGHING)

if it'll make you feel better, I'll destroy something Bart loves. - Hey! - Don't worry, Son. If that bothers you, I'll destroy something Maggie loves. Dad, you don't understand. This saxophone is like my oldest friend.

Ow! Ow! - Ow! Ow! - Ow! This is wearin' a bit thin. You think so? Bart! Look! Maybe a plane exploded.

Are you trying to stall us, or are you just senile? A little from column "A," a little from column "B." Sir, she's gone!

Duh! We're pigs! Okay. And diagnose. You've got leprosy. Leprosy! Unclean! Unclean! Help us, Virtual Doc. Look at me. I'm on my knees. Good-bye.

Hello, Mother. Hello, Father. I missed you during my uneventful absence. Oh, Lisa, you and your stories. "Bart is a vampire." "Beer kills brain cells." Now, let's go back to that... building thingy... where our beds and TV... is.

I can't believe Krusty's really gone. Don't worry, son. I'm sure he's up in heaven right now, laughing it up with all the other celebrities-- John Dillinger, Ty Cobb, Joseph Stalin.

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, who do you find more attractive-- Tom Cruise or Mel Gibson?

Very good. Once we receive your $6,000 tuition check, she's in. I'll give you 50 bucks. Our fee is nonnegotiable. Seventy-five. Look, I knew private school would be expensive,

I suggest you don't dawdle. The hounds will be released in ten minutes.

Imagine it, Smithers. Electrical lights and heaters running all day long. But, sir, every plant and tree will die. Owls will deafen us with incessant hooting. The town's sundial will be useless. Ahem. I don't want any part of this project. It's unconscionably fiendish.

The Simpsons D'oh!

I'm older! I get the top bunk! Oh, poppycock! I called it at the arraignment! Get back!

Yeah, yeah, I've been meaning to wash that, but-- it's been such a century. At auction, I'd expect this to bring $20,000 to $30,000, except that on the handle somebody's carved "Homer rocks." And I do. Whoo! Appraised value: $15. I'm gonna kill him. I'm gonna kill him!

Lisa's becoming very obsessive. This morning, I caught her trying to dissect her own raincoat. I know. And this perpetual motion machine she made today is a joke.

I've got good news. Krusty is coming to dinner tonight. He is? For sure? Yes. God bless that clown. Hyuk! Hyuk! Hyuk! You think it's him? Hi, Kids!

Sushi is considered quite a delicacy. Please, Homer, can't we try it ?

Can I take your order? Nothing for me today. I've got a class to teach. Sir, it's a felony to tease the order box.

(SIGHS) Don't give up, Aunt Selma. China has thousands of baby girls who need adoption. Great. Another job lost to a foreigner. Madam, your adoption application is in perfect order, except for one thing.

A ride on the Duff blimp.

He worked at the United Strut and Bracing Works as a molders boy... until he was replaced by a Moldermatic and died.

Oh, Edna, you're certainly looking lovely tonight. Is that a new green sweater? Hmm! Until you're willing to file jointly, back of the line, Seymour!

Yeah, never mind how I look. Are you gonna give me the money or not? Well, I don't think so. You don't even have a trigger on that thing. Yeah, I had to sell the trigger and most of the handle to feed my family. Come on! Give me the dough! I can throw this pretty hard! Poor Wiggum. Poor Wiggum. I'll bet you really hate Rex Banner, huh? Um, who?

Mmm, well, it is a sin to waste food.

Are you an ivory dealer? Little girl, I've had lots of jobs in my day-- whale hunter, seal clubber, president of the Fox network-- And, like most people, yeah, I've dealt a little ivory. Dad, you can't do this. Stampy is my friend. Don't worry, Son. I'll get you a new elephant.

You look just like a Buddha statue. Now all you need is an expression of utter serenity. Just think about the day you found that Junior Mint in your belly button. (CONTENTED MURMURS) (DOORBELL RINGING)

How much longer, sir ? This is where we're going, right ? Chateau Mah-son.

Ah, Smithers, the big title fight is one of those rare occasions... that I savor the sights, the sounds and... ah, yes, the smells of other men.

Hey, it's Bart. And he's doing stuff.

Gee, Dad, you're really bad at this. I am not. It's just that i... couldn't concentrate with that infernal racket. Lisa ! Lisa.

The Simpsons D'oh!

Seven a winner.

You've done a lot of crazy stuff over the years and she's stood by you. Why would she leave you now? Because there's lots of stuff she doesn't know about! You mean, like your poker shack out in the swamp? Mm-hmm. She knows. Oh, I knew this would happen. Our whole marriage started off on the wrong foot.

Monorail. Monorail. Monorail. I hear those things are awfully loud

What's a diorama?

Go! Go! Go! Go! Ha! Ha! Like the elegant Roman in Judah Ben-Hur, these modern charioteers battle ferociously. No quarter given; none asked.

Please take these free tickets to my play. What? What play? We thespians believe it's bad luck to mention the name of this particular play out loud. You mean Macbeth? Quiet, you blundering fool! You'll curse us all! What? By saying Macbeth?

Mmm! "Your family is invited to a free weekend... at Stagnant Springs Spa" Ooh. That place is famous. ts where J.Lo hit P. Diddy upside the head with Gary Coleman.

Hey, robot, get your fat metal ass down here! First of all, I'm not a robot.

Okay, boy. I want you to keep this exercise thing under your hat. That way, I won't be embarrassed if I fail. Oh, great. Now the cat knows. Okay. Here we go.

Yes, yes. I found a buyer right away for that item. Who? I am not at liberty to divulge the party. But they were most interested in having possession of a little boy's soul. Uh, excuse me. No banging your head on the display case, please. It contains a very rare Mary Worth...

What initiatives have you spearheaded? Uh... all of them?

If I said no the first time, what makes you think I'm gonna say yes the second time ? Nothing. But you might say yes the 99th time. Oh ? Try me. Please, Dad. Please, Dad. No. No. - Please, Dad ! Please, Dad ! - No ! No ! Please, Dad ! Please, Dad ! No ! Oh, okay, okay.

Bart, wait. Yeah? Uh... could we still use your tree house? What? Get bent. If her father catches us, he'll kill her. All right, Milhouse. You can use my tree house. Thanks, Bart.

So take a seat before I blow your heads off!

Well, it's too late to merely pay back the money. But as a sign of good faith to our Australian friends, we'd like imprison Bart for five years.

Hey, I know that song. My dad used to play that when I was a boy.

Hey, what are you laughin' at? What?

In a situation like this, you just relax... and let the current take you back to land. D'oh.

Love! Hey. Look out!

(INCOHERENT BABBLING) (LAUGHING)

If you've committed a crime and you want to confess, click "yes." Otherwise click "No." You have chosen "No," meaning you've committed a crime but don't want to confess. A paddy wagon is now speeding to your home.

Which unfortunately was filled with peanuts, to which I am allergic. (INCOHERENT BABBLING) I ran outside just as a circus was rolling into town. (CYMBALS PLAYING) (INCOHERENT BABBLING)

Well, friend, you're going back where you came from-- the curb in front of Flanders's house. Now, let's see. I need an idea. Idea... idea! What's the matter with me? I used to have hundreds of ideas.

Lisa, let's take a walk. A little traveling music, Seymour.

Oh, forget this. I am far too fragile... to withstand an evening of barbs like that. Oh, come on. If we quit now, we'll never know how badly they're gonna beat us. Yeah, you're right. That's the kind of thing that would haunt ya. Hey! SÍ.

Oh, man. I can't believe we spaced on the date. What are we gonna do? Well, we can't just stand here staring at our hands. Although-- Wow! Oh, that's right. I married that chick.

We're going to break the bank... at the Monty Burns Casino. Homer, they blew that up yesterday. Oh, yeah, right.

Sincerely, some Australian jerk. Hey! I need that! "Office of the Solicitor General"? "Office of the Prime Minister"?

What if she doesnt? We'll have to smoke her out. N And may the peace of God be with you. Amen. Amen. Cher. Breaker, breaker. Bartman to shut-in. The big guy's asleep. Please advise. Over. Whack him with the hymnai Cher. - Roger that big-time. - Cyohl

Whoa! A sword cane! Everything here is sword. Sword baseball bat. Sword rifle. Sword pineapple. Sword sword-sharpener. Sword pie. ts- Hey. What happened to the sword pie? What do I do now?

After you prance across the goal line, you hurl the other team's mascot to the ground and drive your cleats into his neck. (CROWD CHEERING) You're going down, you potato-eating pansy.

And it's going to be a real apology in front of everybody, and you have to mean it.

But you don't get beaten up if you leave the hotel. What gives? We just wanted to thank you. Because of the Xanax, I'm not overanxious about being a Simpson anymore. I am a little anxious about being on Xanax, but the Zoloft covers that nicely. (GULPS) My dad, the drug mule. (GAGGING)

Joy to the world the teacher's dead we barbecued her head

Yoink? Ah, heck. Now, where am I gonna get a Danish?

Please stop ! Oh, please ! Please, be quiet ! I'm trying to earn a living here, all right ?

Oh, the taxes. They're gonna raise taxes! Come on! All right. That's a good point. Oh, yeah. That sounds-- Oh, yeah, the taxes! The finger thing means the taxes.

Mom and dad. Jinx! You can't talk till somebody says your name Coming up next: An elephant who never forgets... to brush! What is it, boy? Is anything the matter, my son? Talk to me, young man.

As punishment for your desertion, it's company policy to give you the plague. Uh, sir, that's the plaque.

Sideshow Bob tried to kill me on our honeymoon.

See? That's my expression! Oh. You haven't said that in four years. Let Lisa have it. It's the principle. She's gotta learn. No! Now, park your keister, "meister." ¡Ay, caramba!

All right, here's how this exercise works. You tow me around the track. As we gather speed, I whip you gently, you state your name and tell me how you got so heavy. (SWISHING WHIP) Kent Brockman, Channel 6 News. I gorge on kettle corn during the sports and weather. We know. Your side fat's starting to spill over to Channel 5 and 7.

Please welcome Declan Desmond. Thank you. Now, when you think of documentaries... you probably think of The Maysles Brothers and Barbara Kopple. Well, they're not good enough to wipe my lens. Here's a look at my work- a film I made about Krusty Burger.

Dad, why did you bring me to a gay steel mill? I don't know! This is a nightmare! You're all sick! Oh, be nice! Oh! My son doesn't stand a chance! The whole world's gone gay!

But between you, me and my golf clubs, they're miracle workers. That's charming, Sardonicus. But try to use less of a stabbing action... and more of a brushing stroke. There. See how much better that feels?

you'll have to complete a course called family skills. It teaches parents to listen to their-- Communication. Gotcha. But it's important to-- Listen! Yes, I know! But there's more to it than-- I have listening skills! Mr. Simpson, would you please-- Shut up, judge! Peek-a-boo! I see you!

Would I say, "If you're hunting for a good read this October, "Marge Simpson's book is a clear "and present danger to your free time"? Hell, no, I wouldn't. What do you mean I just said it? It doesn't count! Hello? Hello? If Dad ever reads that book, he's gonna be so humiliated.

(SNARLS) Edna's with Comic Book Guy? Oh, God. She's on the rebound.

perhaps not long for this world, as vulnerable and beautiful as any of God's creatures. Mmm ? Yes ! Whoa ! Hmm. Provocative, but, uh, powerful. He's bad, but he'll die, so I like it.

Remember how excited we were when this place opened? Then a week later we just forgot about it. I'm surprised they bothered to move it when they moved the town. Oh, I can explain that. You see-- Five, four, three, two--

Police Cops. Uh, no, actually, it was called Badge Patrol. The network idiots didn't want a show about high-tech badges that shoot laser beams. So we asked ourselves, who's behind the badge? Police. Cops.

This is better than a movie... why?

then watch some gay guys get married. - Ah, you must be the Simpsons. - Howdy. And thanks for not recoiling in horror. Thank you for the friendly howdy.

"Nelson is never again to raise his fists in anger." Article five. "Nelson recognizes Bart's right to exist." Article six. "Although Nelson shall have no official power, he shall remain a figurehead of menace in the neighborhood." Wow. Sounds good to me. Okay, I'll sign. What about you, boy ? All right, I'll sign.

There must be thousands of love songs. Well, it's kind of a love song-- all the monsters enjoying each other's company-- dancing, holding their evil in check. You played the wrong record, didn't you? Why are you doing this to me?

All right. I'm almost there.

Let him twist in the wind... slowly, slowly. And then, when the papers have found their new flavor of the month, he'll find out this cat has claws ! Good thinking, sir.

Mr. McGrew? I love that blind senile old man! (KNOCKING ON DOOR) I can't find my way back to the home. I heard you the first five times!

I cant see anything in this fog.

We're gonna roll this truckin' convoy Across the U.S.A. Convoy That could be Bart. Throw away your bulky transmitters and broadcasting towers. The superstar celebrity microphone lets you hear your voice through any A.M. radio. Hey, good-looking,

Ooh, I think that fixed my back. Oh. Oh, no, no. ts much worse. I'll just hide here.

Almost done. Just lay still. Lie still. I knew that. Just testing. Sentence fragment. "Sentence fragment" is also a sentence fragment. Must conserve battery power. Just come on.

No, don't eat me! You don't know where I've been! You just made a big mistake, fly boy!

Bet you can't hit that bird. Are you crazy? I don't want to shoot a stupid bird. That's 'cause you know you can't. You're not a superstud like me. Am too! Are not! You're an octo-wussy.

Maggie's right in the middle ofthat Italian-American Mexican standoff!

Speed it up, ugly. Eh. He had a good run. I'm gonna need help with this. Hmm.

"Lisa is an outstanding student with a slight tendency toward know-it-all-ism"? That's not even a word! Then we'll get rid of the record permanently!

He gets pretty competitive when he's drinking. Come on, Dad. We're playing capture the flag. Sorry, Son. Daddy's down for the day. Why don't you go capture me some more potato salad. But Rod picked his dad. It's a matter of family honor. Flanders is playing? Why didn't you say so?

Eh, oh, there's some candy right here, sir. - Why don't we eat this instead of stealing? - Oh, very well. Mmm. Mmm. And look. There's a photo in here.

Dad, you completely sold me out. Well, I paid for this ticket. That makes me an adult. I'm going. (GRUNTS) I love you, Krusty-wusty.

Hey, Landlord, some clown changed my locks padlocked the door, and put up an eviction notice. Yeah. That was me. You? Well, uh... Why? You haven't paid your rent.

Come on. We've got lots of time. Oh, no! We're out of gas. I couldn't figure out this stupid Italian gas gauge.

- They're not, though. - Oh? - But you thought they were. - Yeah. That's why it was so funny. Yeah. It's funny. But they're not. That's a good one.

Ya! Gadzooks! Where are my bodyguards? Is there anything fluffier than a cloud? If there is, I don't wanna know about it. Oh, dear. Oh, my!

Oh, yeah. Yeah, he does. What is the best way to an efficient plant? - I don't know. - Well, uh... Search me. Happy workers who feel secure at their jobs-- So let's get to know each other better. Do we have any alcoholics among us?

Um, I never thought I'd say this, but shouldn't we be learning something? Say the line, Bart. I didn't do it. Yea!

Miss Midler, I can't believe you do this all by yourself.

Tyler, is there a peaceful solution possible? (TYLER COOING) (BEEPING) (GASPING) All right, that's it. Show's over! Five, six, so long, hicks!

And even though you knew I ratted you out to the IRS, you never busted me on it.

You take this teacher evaluation test. I'll proctor. "Read the directions silently as I read them aloud to you." Look at those suckers in their metal coffins. I can go to work any way I want. Psst! Bishop to queen four. We're playing dominoes. I said bishop to queen four.

This is much better than the old Stonecutter hall. Silence. I now call to order the first meeting... of the Ancient Mystic Society of... No Homers. Hey, fellas, can I join? Sorry. No Homers.

Cuff her, boys! Off the record, ma'am all the gals on the force knew just how you felt. That's nice.

What do you feel? What's inside you right now?

Bart, you’re promoted back to the fourth grade. Yay! And, Lisa, you have a choice. You may continue to be challenged in third grade... or return to second grade and be merely a big fish in a small pond. Big fish! Big fish! Aw!

Hold on, people. The man's talking about waste management. That affects the whole damn planet. Oh, here we go. What do you say we slip out to Moe's for a pint? Can I come? - No. - Wankers.

If you did it, sir?

The trucks drive themselves? Shh! Hey, hey. Shh! Didn't your union rep tell you about the scam we got going? I'm not really a trucker, so I don't talk to the rep that often. All right, listen, pal. Here's the deal. You stumbled on the secret that only truck drivers are supposed to know.

Duff Man says a lot of things. Oh, yeah!

and, uh, y-you all try to guess what it is. It's a pig! It's a cow, man. It's a pony! No, it's a goat! You know, one of them lady goats. There are no lady goats. A lady goat is a sheep. I believe she's right.

Please, Homie. Oh, all right. Hmm. Read 'em and weep, boys. Another pair of sixes. Beats me. I was bluffing. You win again, Homer.

And now to kill you. There may be a slight ringing in your ears. Fortunately, you'll be nowhere near them.

Touchdown, Dolphins! All right, Dolphins! All right, Dolphins! Whoo-hoo! Whoo-hoo! 50 big ones! 50 big ones? Uh-oh. Daddy's friend Moe promised to give him $50 if the Dolphins won.

Dad, are you hurt?

Hey, look at me. I'm a millionaire. Wow, Dad! You look like james Bond. Hey, it's getting cold in here.

Yes, dear. Ohh. i remember Little Vicki Valentine. Her perky smile and dancing brought America right out of the Depression. Well, I think World War II helped a little, Mom.

Oh! You got it! Ow! Ow! Ooh, blood.

they say that the love of a good woman can save any man. Except you, freak! Well, if you change your mind, you know where I am. In my nightmares! I'm gonna stop now.

A chilling vision of things to come.

There's an empty spot inside me. I tried to fill it with family, religion community service, but those were dead ends. I think this chair is the answer. We can't just spend this money on some creature comfort. All right, we won't get the chair. Now excuse me while I kiss the sky.

Cash register ink. Well, that's a business expense, isn't it? I-- Oh, but, then, I do enjoy the smell of the stuff, don't I? Better not risk it. Daddy, what do taxes pay for? Why, everything! Policemen, trees, sunshine-- and let's not forget the folks who just don't feel like working, God bless 'em.

God bless him. So love at first sight is possible. And if he runs away, he'll be easy to catch. Oh, this is the best gift of all, Homer ! It is ? Yes. Something to share our love... and frighten prowlers.

That's the next best thing to eating Lenny. I'm still hungry. Didn't you eat enough of your friends? Those were my friends? Yes. I've been saying that for hours. That's it! I'm going home. Which way to Ithaca? It's not so easy.

Mmm. Speed it up, ugly. Eh. He had a good run.

Help! Nurse! Someone's trying to kill me! Okay, we'll do something about that right away. Let's start by doubling your medication.

We need a symbol. Something that says we're gay and Republican. A little on the nose, don't you think?

We gotta find someplace no one will ever go. Hello! Drive faster, Grandma! Grandma's gaining on us! They'll never look for us here. Yeah, this place is emptier than a Scottish pay toilet.

we wear short shorts

Huh? Zig-Zag? Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow! No knife games on the kitchen table. I didn't hit your precious table! Ohhh, we're "cordially invited this Saturday... to join Otto and Becky at 742 Evergreen Terrace"? That's our address!

And after visiting the area for, uh, the past two months, I have determined it is not feasible to construct... a super-train between Springfield and Aruba.

What in the World According to Garp? Those are my dress towels!

Um, how about that? That is a rare photo of sean Connery signed by Roger Moore. - It is worth $150. - What can I get for 75 cents? You may purchase this charming Hamburglar Adventure. A child has already solved the jumble using crayons. The answer is "fries." Uh, Milhouse, what's going on?

Hmm. What would the captain say in my spot? Don't fire the torpedoes! Fire the torpedoes!

Hey, that's not your locker. You know, you are the spitting image of the Aberdeen Strangler. Movin' on. J; I need to see Lisa Simpson's permanent record.

How does one steer clear of this abode of the damned ? By obeying the Ten Commandments. Ten simple rules that are easy to live by. So, what did you children learn about today ? Hell.

Hey, there's nothing wrong with that. I just wonder how they keep it so fresh after 43 episodes. I can't believe we paid to see a band... with Steve Guttenberg, Calista Flockhart, and Farty the Crippled Robot.

I don't know exactly what went wrong, but I know it's always my fault. Actually, Dad, this time I was wrong-- - Oh. - too. While I was gone, I got some really good advice from Paul and Linda McCartney. Rock stars. Is there anything they don't know? I still stand by my beliefs. But I can't defend what I did.

What kind of a sick country would kick someone with a giant boot? Mr. Simpson, shush! Disparaging the boot is a bootable offense! It's one of their proudest traditions. You sold us out, Conover!

If the snakes were in here, we could protect them. Well, according to this, snakes hear by sensing vibrations in the ground. So, if we put our stereo speakers on the ground... and play something with a lot of bass, those snakes will be in here like Oprah on a baked ham.

Marge, Bart, girl Bart,

Dad, were all those people on the list? I don't know. Okay. Who am I giving the finger to today? (GASPS) Not this! Anything but this! Uh...

Come on, Homer. Do it for your old pal, Moesy. But, Moe, yesterday, you called Homer a worthless sack of-- - Pipe down, rub-a-dub! - Ow. Put it in the fridge, Moe. I've got a date with my wife.

We now return to Knightboat: The Crime-solving Boat. Faster, Knightboat. We've gotta catch those starfish poachers. You don't have to yell, Michael. I'm all around you.

People, these are all good ideas-- No, they're not. They're terrible, terrible ideas. You're right. It's hopeless. No one has that kind of money. What about Mr. Burns? Maybe he'll help us out. Forget it. He releases the hounds on every charity that comes to his door. Feed the Children. Save the Whales. Even Release the Hounds.

(INDISTINCT CONVERSATION) That show was hilarious. That Springfield Billy cracks me up. For your information, Springfielders can be intelligent and articulate. I happen to know because we're from Springfield. Springfielders? Oh! (THUDS) (ALL HOOTING)

Let go of me! I'm innocent!

How long does it take to see this thing? I'm in a hurry. It's hard to say. Once you go in, you may never come out. Wow! One, please.

Oh. Well, that will be l--

I can't stands no more!

What a dump! Why would Princess Grace live here? Dad, that's Monaco. D'oh! I can do that, but I don't want to.

they have the plant But we have the power

I'm sorry, Maggie. We don't allow these here.

A plane! Stop! Get me off this stinkin' rock! Anyhoo--

Maybe the slide. Don't forget to buy your photos!

A thousand dollars? How did you spend a thousand dollars? ts itemized. A $40 steak? Yeah. But if I'd eaten the whole thing, it would’ve been free.

Hey, you! Where'd you get that saxophone? Sears. Get him!

What is it with you and robots? Whoa! Whoo! Hello, sweet cheeks!

Bart, do you want to see my new chainsaw and hockey mask?

And let me-- I want to make myself clear on this. This is a formality. If you're saying to me, "Bob, is this guy good for it ?" I say, "Yes." I don't check this machine, but I don't own the place, even though my name's up there. Long story, but that doesn't matter. I'm gonna have to run it through the computer.

Darryl. Darryl. - Darryl. - Darryl. Children, that's not very nice. Mom, they're professional athletes. They're used to this. It rolls right off their backs. Who wants peanuts? Hey, whoa! Ho, peanuts! Hey, peanuts!

I'm sick of your grade-school humor. I love watching the bald guy argue with the fat tub of lard. Ooh. Hey, what gives ? Dad, do something. All right, all right. Time for Dr. TV to perform a little surgery.

BOTH: Ho, ho, ho! Merry Christmas! (CHRISTMAS MUSIC PLAYING) (SINISTER TUNE PLAYING)

Whoa-ho! Texas snowball fight!

It ain't got no back so don't make me turn around. Hm. Hey, I'm paying for a silk-lined coffin, and damn it, I'm gonna feel it. NARRATOR: Since the dawn of aviation, man has built museums dedicated to the history of flight and created audiovisual materials

Excuse me. What are you doing? I'm giving you the beating of your life!

There's a gentle curve up ahead. (TIRES SCREECHING) (PEOPLE SCREAMING) Bart! Pull over! We'll stop fighting, we promise! Prove it! Yeah, kiss and make up! We're not quite there yet, but we've opened up a dialogue!

He thinks I'm gay? Everybody Dance now

Now, to take the ferry cost a nickel. And in those days, nickels had pictures of bumblebees on 'em. "Give me five bees for a quarter," you'd say.

Must've been a pretty slow century.

I came here for a reason! And I will not be silent until-- Hey, where is everybody? No one usually shows up unless there's a vote. Well, then why are you here? I steal stuff when everyone's gone. Yeah, yeah, yeah. My Christmas shopping's done.

D'egh! G'yah! D'oh!

Um, uh, Mr. Coleman, I've been thinking. Uh, my wife always makes too much stuffing and sweet "potaters" and all. And-- Oh, heck. Would you like to spend Christmas with us?

and the wrath and the truncheons. This is Kent Brockman live at the Springfield Post Office on tax day. It's literally the 11th hour-- 10:00 p.m.-- and tardy taxpayers are scrambling to mail their returns by midnight.

It's very simple, Kent. The child is reverting to a feral or wolf-like state. Here's an artist's conception. Bart. Ahem. I was trying to gnaw my foot off, but...

we twinkle below good morning, starshine you lead uS along You said you'd bring them peace and love, and it looks like you did it.

Hey, do we get to land on an aircraft carrier? No, sir. The closest vessel is the U.S.S. Walter Mondale. It's a laundry ship. They'll take you the rest of the way. Uh-oh. Uh-oh.

Homer, I don't want you driving around in a car you built yourself. Marge, you can stand there finding fault, or you can knit me some seat belts. Sorry, sorry. Dad, you got a letter from the City of New York. Throw it away. Nothing good has ever come out of New York City.

Hi, Lisa. Hi, Super Nintendo Chalmers.

Hey, give those back ! Hey, what's the big idea ? That's my sister, man. So what ? So give her back those cupcakes before I knock your block off. Don't, Bart ! He's a friend of Nelson Muntz !

I don't know. I just got an urge to join the navy.

That shot is impossible. jack Nicholson himself couldn't make it. It is difficult, Mr. Simpson. The best strategy is to play conservatively. Hug the rail. It won't go in, but you set yourself up for an easy deuce. Oh, well. Huh. It went in. - Good shot, Toddsky. - Luck.

Oh, honey, I know it's not easy,

- Is some blind tiger jerking suds on the side? - Yes? Wait a minute. I forgot to make sure... the coast was clear. Ah, it's probably clear. Let's go. Beer! I can explain, Marge. Please let me explain.

Down that well Krusty, what are your plans for the royalties? We got to pay for promotion, shipping, distribution. You know, those limos out back aren't free. Whatever's left, we throw down the well.

Hey, Dad! I've come to spend some time with my favorite father. Baloney! You came here to put me in a home. You're already in a home. Oh, how could you?

(WOMEN CATCALLING) Oh, yeah! Eddie, Lou, how about a little backup here? Like what you see, ladies? All right!

I think so. Is that a pie or a quiche? A pie. You may enter.

Bart, did you read the book ? Mrs. Krabappel, I am insulted. Is this a book report or a witch hunt ? Then perhaps you'd like to tell us the name of the pirate. Blackbeard. Captain Nemo. Captain Long john Silver. Bluebeard. Bluebeard ? Sit down, Bart. I'll see you after class.

I'm not gonna quote you a price till I check your credit rating.

You think they might be involved in the Kennedy assassination in some way? I do... now.

Hmm. Mmm. Hmm. Hmm? Hmm.

So, what's next for the Israelites? Land of milk and honey? Hmm. Well, actually it looks like we're in for 40 years of wandering the desert.

An "A" in astronomy. How'd you do it? I just buckled down and studied. - No, really. - Well, it all started last week in Krabappel's class. I was trying to breed the hamster with the lizard... to create an unholy supercreature...

But wait, you can't kill me for being Krusty. I'm not him! I'm Homer Simpson! The same Homer Simpson who crashed his car through the wall of our club? Uh, actually, my name is Barney. Yeah, Barney Gumble. The same Barney Gumble who keeps taking pictures of my sister?

our rocket will intercept it and blow it to smithereens. Right! Oh! Dear God, no! And that will be the end of our Mr. Comet. We're saved!

I've gotta admit, you can really shake it. Oh, yes. That's totally voluntary. So, you guys come here all the time? Oh, uh, constantly. When we're not being kicked out for our rowdy, youthful behavior.

Now let's look in on our hush puppies. Ahh. Ah--

Got kicked off the force for one thing. For massive corruption. For massive-- Exactly. Yeah. As for me, I was born and bred here on the mean streets of New Orleans. Oh, sure, I left briefly to take that principal's job in Springfield.

Sir, your son has brought you into the 21st century. It's a lot like the 20th except everybody's afraid, and the stock market is much lower. Polly don't like that cracker. I'm getting me a real spleen and then I'm gonna vent it on you, boychik. Oi! Shoving.

That's it! Kill Krusty! Just like you'll kill him tomorrow night!

Yeah? Well, the joke's on you, smart guy. The garage made it to heaven, too. Hmm. I wonder if I could blow up heaven?

Oh! I'll meet you in Wilmington. Close the door. Raise your arm. Okay, the other one. You know, I do, uh, 400 sit-ups a day.

Homer, it's a trap. You only won because somebody stuffed the ballot box with these. Nonetheless, the people have spoken. But I'm afraid youll get hurt. Marge, this is a way to flush this killer out once and for all...

We all went our separate ways. Well, William, I'm back. So, how did you spend your summer? I made millions in software and lost it at the track. Ach! It may not be glamorous, but it's good, honest work.

No, I'm not. No, I'm not. I'm, um-- - dusting for prints. - Ahh. We don't have to wait for the cops. Who can track the puppies better than their own mom and dad? Let's go find your babies! Whoa! Dinner's on, dogs!

Yeah. This tether has some pluses. Ow, my head! Oh, I need a beer. I hit my head, Moe. One beer comin' up. Hey, hey, no kids in the bar! Since when?

Head her off at the stairs! Bart, you go around that way and cut her off! Hooray, hooray oh, here's A merry Sleigh jingling, jingling jingling, jingling santa's on his way

But you'd better sell something. Because cubicles are for closers, Marge. Anybody who doesn't sell a house their first week gets fired. I probably should've mentioned that earlier.

Uh, Dave Shutton, Springfield Daily Shopper. Who are you? Where you going?

We'll send you someplace safe till the heat dies down. Great, but why am I on a plane? Homer, how would you like to be a missionary in the South Pacific? South Pacific? I didn't agree to--

I don't know how I'm gonna make it through my night shift without you. We could have a slumber party. Oh, that'd be great! Sleeping bags on the floor, a roaring fire. It'll be just like the time they kicked me out of the sporting goods store. If you kids can't keep your hands to yourself,

Matlock Expressway.

You got a domestic situation ? You might say that. My wife's gonna leave me 'cause she thinks I'm a pig. - Homer. - What ? - Marge is right. You are a pig. You can ask anyone in this bar. - What ? Hey, Barney, am I a pig ? You're no more of a pig than I am.

The wife that I told her I had. I do not have a wife! Then maybe you shouldn't have told her you did. Oh! She's going to be here any second. Oh, yes! That will buy me some time. Homer, you've got to help me.

Later, she appeared on the highly unpopular 75-cent piece. Okay, but you don't know what you're missing. Oh! "I will iron your sheets when you iron out... the inequities in your labor laws." Amen, sister.

One sip and I'm totally hip! Buzz Cola. There's a little boogie in every bottle. Holy smokes! That's it!

Mmm! All this food is so froufrou. Ooh. Fabergé egg salad. Look, Brandine. It's Wolfgang Puck. Mr. Puck, you make the only grub what satisfies my gut worm, I swear. Try my Rice Krispie squares.

Whoa ! Holy mackerel ! Milhouse, good to see you, pal. What's happenin', man ? Cherry party, Bart. Any chicks over eight ? Not yet, but the afternoon is young. Lisa, what's wrong ? Isn't it obvious ?

I do not-- I do not think--

Chocolate. Can't breathe. Sweet chocolate... cutting off air.

Ahem. I was trying to gnaw my foot off, but... I couldn't get through my sock. Good night, everybody. The thought of a boy trapped in a well brought out the kindness of the entire community. When they find out you've been fooling them,

No, I'm a screw-up. I burned down our house. You know what? What? We're both screwups. It doesn't matter. What matters is you were right when you told me... I never said anything nice about you. So, are you gonna say something nice now?

That pig looks like Lenny. Hey! Mmm! That's the next best thing to eating Lenny. I'm still hungry. Didn't you eat enough of your friends?

Huh? Oh, look. Camper's Pampers. Ha-ha! Keep away! Keep away! - Keep away! Nyah-nyah-nya-nya-nyah! - Keep away! Yeah, whatever. You better pretend you want your uniform back, twerp. Keep away! Keep away!

Why, looking into this loveable mutt's eyes just melts my heart. Seymour, all is forgiven. Make way for Willie! I said make way for Willie, ya bloated gasbag! Seymour. Hmm?

Roger Meyers Sr., the gentle genius behind Itchy and Scratchy, loved and cared about almost all the peoples of the world. And he in return was beloved by the world. Except in 1938, when he was criticized for his controversial cartoon,

Where we goin'? Where we goin'? Run along, boy. You're free now.

Welcome, brother.

Why did you let him be his own barrister? What difference could it make? He hit the friggin' Queen! I guess it's just too much for me to ask for one vacation where we don't go to jail or to a condo sales pitch. Your Honor, I've completely disappointed my wife.

And I'm starting right now. No more lousy pajamas!

- Oh, I'm touched. - $106,000 ? Ta-ta, Mr. Simpson. By the way, old-timer. I do wills. Why don't I just give you this pen with my phone number on it ? It looks just like a cigar. Isn't that something ? Hello. Hello, Homer ? Woo-hoo ! It's Dad ! Dad's on the phone ! He's calling me !

Hey, you want to see me dislocate my arm? Take a look at this. It was years before I could do this without fainting. Oh. Still hurts. Grampa, stop! Sayonara, Tojo! J La la la la la La la la; Oh, Lord.

This is hopeless! They're gonna demolish our house for sure! We're gonna have to move into a Motel 6. But Dad can't afford six dollars a night. Hey! Lise! Lise, come here! I found Edgar Neubauer!

You hit her pretty hard there, Rick. Say, folks, what's all the ruckus? john Wayne? Will you guys turn that thing down? Sweetie, if we didn't turn it down for the cops, what chance do you have?

I'd like to talk about a subject... that is very important to me. The Boy Scouts of America have molded men... for over 100 years, and-- - What are you-- - Oh! Uh, how's your wife Nancy?

Well, if we'd left at 4:00 a.m like I wanted to-- Dad, you really should be watching the road. Hey, Homer. Enough traffic for you? Homer, your spine.

What's all this about a secret swimming pool? What secret swimming pool is that?

Don't forget to give her Smeckler's Powder. Don't make fun. I remember lisa's third birthday. She and Bart did this adorable little song and dance routine. Oh! That was a real horn-honker! Let's see it.

And now, the Top Hat Channel... is honored to present Broadcast Nudes. Ooh !

psychedelic paint job from hell, man. Jam the kids to school at 150 miles an hour, you know. Here's an artist rendering. Note the cobra wrapped around the naked chick. Next ! Oh. Grampa-- I can call you Grampa, can't I ?

Ah, he'll tire himself out soon.

Okay, i hear that. i hear that, dudes! You too, Gracie music dude! Guh!

If you have any trouble-- Think, Simpson. Think. Crisis brings out the best in you.

But immigration is what America's all about. Even the Simpson family immigrated to America. Right, Grandpa? Okay, you twisted my arm. The Simpson story begins back in the old country. I forget which one exactly.

Marge, I wanna be a monorail conductor. Homer, no. It's my lifelong dream. Your lifelong dream was to run out on the field during a baseball game, and you did it last year, remember? Oh, yeah. Good evening.

I quit! Fine. I'll do the job myself. Help! It's caving in! Oh! What's the problem, Seymour? Stuck? That's precisely the problem, and you know it. - Now, get me out of here! - What's that?

Oh, couldn't be better. Marco. Polo. Marco. Polo. Marc-- Ohh! Polo. So, Mom, you think you'll be getting out of there soon? I don't know, honey. I've got a lot of therapy left. I really thought I could handle this, but-- I think so too. Bye.

Uh-oh. Two independent thought alarms in one day. The students are over-stimulated. Willie, remove all the colored chalk from the classrooms. I warned ya! Didn't I warn ya? That colored chalk was forged by Lucifer himself! The Itchy and Scratchy Show

To ease this crisis, President Truman promised relief. American tax dollars will help our allies... who fought so poorly and surrendered so readily. To make good on this drunken boast, Truman authorized the onetime printing...

Well, actually the last half hour's a real garbage dump. We'll be right back. I miss joe Piscopo.

Neddy! Neddy! He's gaining on us! I'm scared! Come on, Ned! Move this thing! I can't! It's a Geo!

His name is Homer He's quite a man

Only an innocent child could get away with such blasphemy. God bless them all. Amen.

ow, ooh. ow, ooh. Ow, ooh.

And stay out! Our little hero sure likes Kahlúa and cream. Quit following me, you coward! You heard him, fleabag!

Shut up. ts not a purse. ts a diaper bag. What? It looks like a purse. That's why I bought it. But it's really- Shut up! Fine. I'll just take this!

Morning. Dad, where are your clothes? I don't know. Don't tell me Mom dresses you. I guess. Or one of her friends. Okay. Now we're gonna draw jobs from the chore hat.

Say your prayers, Simpson. Because the schools can't force you like they should. Maude, these new finger razors make hedge trimming as much fun as sitting through church.

So I have come to work off my debt. I am at your service. You're selling what now? I'm selling only the concept of karmic realignment. You can't sell that! Karma can only be portioned out by the cosmos. He's got me there.

The itchy and Scratchy Show

on the sanctity of deliciousness, the noid. That's it! Quiet, Lisa. Everyone in the store is looking at you. They should take a good look at themselves and what their church has become!

And I know it's going to go just fine. T-minus three minutes till liftoff and counting. Mission Control, this is Corvair. Launch sequence initiated. All systems go. Are we there yet? I'm thirsty. Mission Control, request permission to sedate cargo ahead of schedule.

And I'm the one who withered your livestock, soured your sheep's milk and made your shirts itchy. Hey, you destroyed my turnip crop. No, that was gophers. Impossible. We burned all the gophers.

Kids, your father's gonna be just fine. Okay, everybody, put on your corpse-handling gloves. We've got two frozen bodies buried somewhere in this mountain.

D'Oh! Look, Dad. I made an apartment for my Malibu Stacy doll. This is a kitchen. This is where she prints her feminist newsletter.

And what if he's not? Then we'd look like idiots.

Lisa. Nelson. Let's all go to the lobby to get ourselveS some treats Get off of my moor, you mischievous weans!

Prepare to engage enemy.

Arrivederci, Vito. I was a fool to think anyone would want nude photos of Whoopi Goldberg. What the-- And that is that. Guess who, fat boy!

Where have you been, Neddie? In the bathroom-- not trimmin' my mustache. What do you think? Do I remind you of troubled troubadour David Crosby? No, you remind me of silly billy Ned Flanders. Would a silly billy sit like this? Ooh! Rod, Call Dr. Stein.

Why should America consume 90% of the world's resources? Argentina must devalue her currency to pay her debts! (SOBBING) You can't leave. I'm your ride home!

But you've gotta come back, Mel! - We're a team. - No, Krusty.

All right, Econo-Save, you just made the list. Hey, will you guys help me fix my-- Hey, how come you guys got better chairs than me? - It's a secret. - Shut up.

You know, the-- the boy is named Bart. I don't know the name of the man. Bar! What's the name of the man? I'm not getting involved, George. Look, just never mind. I thought the banner was pretty straightforward, but I guess I'll just take it down.

Here's why they shouldn't get anything. One--

Get the hell out of here.

Oop. No time for that now. The computer's starting. "Check core temperature? Yes/No." Yes. "Core temperature normal." Hmm. Not too shabby. "Vent radioactive gas?" N-O.

Get 'em from the smoke detector. What if there's a fire? The smoke will wake us up.

Keep turning, keep turning, keep turning.

A Buddha statue? We cannot leave it outside. It is bad feng shui. Feng shui? I thought that was just a trick to sell crappy end tables to the West. Just put this hook in his nostril and pull.

A couple uses the gun to select gifts they want for their wedding. BART: Wow. If you'll excuse me, I'm going to the employee lounge to finish my Shasta.

Dad, you shouldn't wear glasses that weren't prescribed for you. Lisa, just because you're 10 feet tall doesn't mean you can tell me what to do. I'm Bart.

And now, Avis Rent-a-Car... is proud to present the second-best band in America. Will you welcome Garfunkel, Messina, Oates, and Lisa... singing their number two hit, "Born to Runner-up."

I thought he invented the lightbulb. That too. He also invented the phonograph, the microphone and the electric car. No one man can do all that. You're a liar, honey-- a dirty, rotten liar. Finish her! Finish her!

Look at this place. Somebody ought to build a town that works. Somebody did. It's called Cypress Creek--

Sure do. Mmm. (CHUCKLING) (PEOPLE CHEERING) (SCATTING) (YELPING)

Cut him a check and get him the hell out of here.

Well, I'd like to go. How about you, Maggie? Aww! Huh? Maggie, no!

Oh, dear. Now you've done it. I keep hearing this horrible irregular thumping noise.

We're not prisoners anymore. We're free! We can go anywhere we want.

He's getting away. After him !

Oh! Oh, yeah! Well, now that I'm forcibly retired... I feel I should give back to society and do some charitable work... but first I want to take a lot of opium. Uh, if you say so, sir. Uh, excuse me. Do you know where I can buy some, uh-

Something about being gay.

You've gone from hip to boring. Why don't you call us when you get to kitsch? Come on, Gunter, Kyoto. - If we hurry, we can still catch the heroin craze. - Mmm! Wait! Come back! I'm a god to you!

Well, we respect you.

My new name is Ravencrow Never Smiles. Cool. We can be goth together. We'll go to the cemetery and summon the dark lord by kissing and junk. (LAUGHS) Okay. But first, you must apprentice by kissing the goddess Ironica,

I won't need this anymore. Marge, someone broke the toilet.

Ladies and gentlemen, may I invite you to behold... Montgomery Burns. Smithers. Ohh. Doh ! I don't care for this at all.

Attention, everyone. The punch has been spiked! Don't worry. Your parents have been called and will be here to pick you up shortly! Yea! Marge, someone squeezed all the life out of these kids. And unless movies and TV have lied to me,

Try to run, try to hide break on through to the other side Yeah! What was I on?

And how. That's why they call it Fort Sensible. This is jebediah Springfield at the Battle of Ticonderoga. Next. And here he is killing a snake... on the very first Whacking Day in 1775. Hey, wait a minute.

Thank you so much. The Camptown ladies sing this song Doo-da Doo-da Homer Simpson's breath is strong - Oh, the doo-da-- Hey, hey! Now hold on there. The nice people want to hear the real words. But, Ned, I was singing the real words.

Wonder where this river goes. I've got a map. Monkey. Now, according to animal crackers, there's no river here. Eh-- Stay in the boat, Homer.

And now that I am, it's the wrong one. I just don't think your father's the right person to pick out a religion for you. Okay. I'll pick a religion for me. Judaism. Don't have a cow, man Don't have a cow, man Don't have a cow, man Have a piece of fish Oy! Bart, we're here to bring you back to the one true faith,

Mom! Dad! Don't turn on the light! Don't turn on the light! There's a U.F.O. outside my window-- seriously. Oh, Bart. It's just an old golf umbrella stuck in a tree.

Who keeps the metric system down

Don't panic. just come up with a good story. My name is Mr. Burns. D'oh!

Bunch of old, know-nothing dinosaurs...

Hey! Who cut something out of my paper?

Let's just get some sleep.

His float’s already moving. I didnt even hear the engine start. Yeah. ts really runnin' quiet. Some mechanic tuned it up right before the parade. A mechanic?

Oh, why do I even bother? I told that idiot to slice my sandwich. Ow! Wow, honey. You sold a house and got rid of the Flanders. What's for dinner?

Aw, come on, kid. Quit cryin'. It'll be fun. I promise. Arr! Here be a fine vessel,

I heard her son is Catholic now. Her husband, too. (GROANS) Marge, all by yourself today? Well, Homer and Bart are... Well, they're under the weather. Mmm-hmm. Under the weather? Or under the spell of a man in a pointy white hat? All right. I admit it! They're both at the Catholic church!

Dad, what is that? Well, if Bart can be El Barto- Oh, if only I had your courage, senor. Oh, thanks-

Blah, blah, blah. Do this, do that.

- Oh. - So what I need of you is-- You talk too much. Abraca-blab-ra. Am I right? See, the ladies know what I'm talking about. Ha. Ha. Tell you what? Let's get this ball gag on ya. There we go. And we'll skip right ahead to the Kill-O-Tine.

It's all over, people!

And his brain waves are disturbingly erratic. You are wired in to the rest of your family. You have the ability to shock them and they have the ability to shock-- just testing-- Whoa!

Whoo-hoo! Take that snake! And you too! Snakes, snakes everywhere. Getting ready for Whacking Day? What's Whacking Day?

Ooh, it's that new show... about the policeman who solves crimes in his spare time. Crank it, Homer. You busted up that crack house pretty bad, McGonigle. Did you really have to break so much furniture? You tell me, Chief. You had a pretty good view from behind your desk.

How long does it take to deliver a pizza? - Our cover's blown. - Let's roll. See? It was all your imagination. Homer, I want you to go down to that club and talk to them. See what kind of people they are. Please, Homie.

You have enough blanket? Well, I could use a little more. And sometimes, I want a little time to myself and I expect you... Mom... I think I speak for everyone in this bed when I say you have nothing to worry about. Now, let's just try and get a little shut-eye.

Hey, I got an idea. We can play a game to pass the time. Uh, I'll make the sound of a barnyard animal, and, uh, y-you all try to guess what it is.

Well, we're down to our last two students. Milhouse, your word is "choke." Oh, I know this one. ts so easy! F- Oh, man! Stop laughing! It will scar him for life!

Good morning, ma'am. Good afternoon, sir. It passed noon while I was speaking, so that was technically accurate. He's crazy.

I thought I told you to go to bed. Yeah, right. "Bread." You said, "Go to bread." I said, "Go to bed." Yeah. "Go to bread." B-E-D! Bed! Oh! "Bed"! Oh. Well, anything you say, Sis.

The family's just sitting down to dinner. Aww. You call that saying grace?

Hey, there, blimpie boy flying through the sky So fancy free I'll do it. Did you see Tina Epstein? Whoa!

lf guys didnt keep pinching my tush, I'd never stand up straight. I thought you liked all the attention you were getting. I'm afraid all that attention is from the wrong kind of people.

Your grave sites will go untended and vandalized. Ha-ha! Mr. Simpson, your intelligence profile indicates that you're too... "stupid" to stick to a budget. Yes. Go on. So, let me put this simply. You need more money. But how do I get it? I'm a financial planner, not a financial consultant. Sorry.

I love this kid. Hawk your brains out. Ho-ho ! Got him ! Hello, Cook ? Sorry to bother you so late, but I got a hankering for some-- That's right. Don't forget the applesauce.

Don't let the bedbugs bite. Seriously.

Sure is easy when they're stiff like this. And very sad. Saint Peter! Whoo-hoo! Got to heaven before you, Flanders!

Wow! Brown. Whoa! Springfield Elementary, last stop.

but really it was my fault. I just don't have the discipline to be a hippie. Oh, does this mean you're going to start showering again? Perhaps, in time. Ah, cheer up, Dad. You make a great hippie. Ah, you're just saying that. No, really. You're lazy and self-righteous. And the soles of your feet are jet-black.

The new, improved Kidz Newz has been canceled.

Oh ! Aw, Homer ! Aw, Dad ! Uh-oh, school bus ! Cool your jets, man. We're comin'. You forgot the special lunches I made. That's okay, Mom ! We got money !

Uh, jacques Strap ? Hey, guys, I'm lookin' for a jacques Strap. What ? Aw, wait a minute. Jacques Strap ? It's you, isn't it, you cowardly little runt ! When I get ahold of you, I am gonna gut you like a fish and drink your blood.

My show-and-tell project-- a Peruvian fighting frog. Hey, I brought a Peruvian fighting frog. When will they stop? Come nightfall.

Did anyone see that new Woodsy Allen movie? You know, I like his films, except for that nervous fella's always in 'em. If you want to talk nervous, you should have seen Kirk deal with the high school boys... who egged our Bonneville. Ha! Should have asked them to hurl some bacon. Then maybe I could have had a decent breakfast for once.

I hope you realize that your father can't keep this up. You're making me give up Princess? We can't make you.

Yeah! Ain't no ruleS ain't no vow we can do it anyhow I And I Will see you through See you through, baby 'cause every day we pay the price With A little sacrifice

My first kiss. Stop it, Homer! There's only one way to settle this. In Simpson Family Court. What the hell's that? I got the idea from a now discredited book on raising children.

What the..? D'oh!

God bless you this day you gave me the gift of do-do-do, do-do-do and I'm proud of you today... Lisa, it's your birthday happy birthday, Lisa Lisa, it's your birthday

Try to channel your disappointment into something creative, like a sampler. Is that Duncan? Not anymore. Ladies, say hello to-- Furious D? He's the bad boy of racing. He's got attitude and "baditude," so show him some latitude, and you'll win his gratitude.

Don't worry. We get that a lot here. Lou, you can't leave the force. I can change. I just think there's more money in private security. What I'm hearing is "I'm too fat."

I ain't gonna get out of the fourth grade alive. You've gotta tell Principal Skinner, Bart. I can't squeal. It would violate the code of the schoolyard. Hey, everybody ! Here comes my brother, Bart the bully-killer !

Ooh, she's gotta have it. Get out! Get out! Get out! Get out! Get out-Out-Out-Out-Out-out-out! All right, we're breaking early tonight, class. For tomorrow, you should read pages seven through 18 in Lisa's diary. You too. - Get out! - But I'm not in the cla--

I must destroy you! Homer, what's going on down there? Nothing. Then stop screaming so loud. Okay.

Maybe for you. How come you didn't rescue me? Too busy trying to keep my sides from splitting. It's happened before. Monty say, monkey do. What could be better? Well, you could treat me with a little respect. Oh, shut up, you tub of guts. See? That's what I'm saying.

In my movies, this is where I would go berserk. Dad, this isn't a movie. No. Let my muscles hug you.

One churro, please. That'll be $14. Here. Boy, those pies look good!

Men, there's a little crippled boy... sitting in the hospital who wants you to win this game. I know because I crippled him myself to inspire you. Well, I hope they win, or Mr. Burns said he's coming back.

to cross this line into mystery and danger-- to step out of childhood and become men.

COPS: In Springfield.

Mr. Burns, I insist that we cheat. Excellent. And to do so, I propose we travel by... horseless sleigh. Wow. You sure know how to cheat, Mr. Burns. Yes, well, I'm older than you. You know, Simpson, you're not as objectionable as you seemed when we first met.

Hmph! Hmph! Now I'm going to burn this doughnut to show you how many calories it has.

Welcome. Come in. Ah, fresh victims for my ever-growing army of the undead. Sir, you have to let go of the button. Oh, son of a bit--

Here comes two! Well, I'm not licked. And I'm gonna stay right here and fight for this lost cause. Somebody will listen to me. Somebody will--

Marge, are we ever gonna see him again ?

The Simpsons D'oh!

Well, if you mean the money, I suppose we'll just replace the items the burglar took-- Boring! Spend it on something fun. Go wild! Ha! Right, Seymour? Yes, something wild. Yeah, enjoy, huh? Get something fun. - Something stupid. - You only live once. - Speak for yourself.

Do you dare enter the Screamatorium of Dr. Frightmarestein?

I know that some of you are upset about the area code change, especially those of you covered with dynamite. First, let me reassure you your fears are groundless and your complaints moronic. That's good.

Cecil. And now to kill you. There may be a slight ringing in your ears. Fortunately, you'll be nowhere near them. I guess this is it. Thanks, anyway.

Evil ? Quiet, Lisa. You're scaring your mother. Children, get your coats. We're leaving this house right now. Now, wait a minute, Marge. It's only natural... there'd be some things wrong with an old house like this. It's a Fixer-upper. What's the problem ? We get a bunch of priests in here--

Your father's stock is worth $5,200!

He's annoying. He's very, very annoying! Well, Ned Flanders is just jealous. Ah, the guy's hepped up on goofballs.

"Ned Flanders, I mock your value system. You also appear foolish in the eyes of others."

Sorry, Chief. Um, we were just playing.

Good Lord! That's a 900 number. Let's see what's in the newspaper today. Hmm. Canada stalls on trade pact.

Visit us on the web at lisathemovie.com. Ah! (MUSIC PLAYING ON TV) Homie, that Kojak is sexier than Cannon and Barnaby Jones put together. I think he looks a little like you. (CHUCKLING) Who loves ya, baby?

Flavor's gone. Flavor's gone. Shoe fight!

and then, flush, it's toilet time for Tiny Town.

Beats me. But the guy dancing with her is my pop.

and star of a Disney Channel movie. I played the gentle giant, "Stay-off-drugs-ia." I know why you're here.

No wonder he came home with his vest all buttoned like he was somebody. Go home to your son, Mrs. Muntz. And try not to have intercourse on the way!

Yea, Dad! I really feel awful about your lawn, Marge. George can be so stubborn when he thinks he's right. Oh, Homer too. They're so much alike. Too bad they got off on the wrong foot.

That sounds like a lie. Hello, police? I think my house killed my husband. This is Constable Wiggums. We'll be right there. Remove your knickers and wait in the bath.

The switchboards are lighting up. Two calls. That's our best ever. Hello? No, Janice doesn't live here. Hello? Yes, I am interested in long distance savings. Very interested.

Here you go. Don't worry. I soaked it in the toilet to soften it up.

Sorry. Don't you have something to say to Bart? No. Can't think of a thing. I've always said you were a good father. I've always defended you when people put you down. That's for sure. She ain't lying. But I guess I was wrong. You are a bad father. Leave me alone.

What if the weatherman is wrong? Lisa, that man is a professional meteorologist. Kent, I'd like to remind everybody to come down and watch me... at the Springfield Laugh 'n Brew 'n Burgers 'n Fries this Saturday. The forecast calls for a 75% chance of hilarity. I like those odds.

All right ! Yeah ! Come back ! Your hat ! You're supposed to eat breakfast !

I ain't leaving! I was born in this nursing home, and I'll die in this nursing home! Is there any chance of you changing your mind?

Oh, I'm so lonely Since my baby left me

The way people act around here, you'd think the streets were paved with gold. They are.

Million-dollar birthday fries! Uh-oh! "Moe gets so excited when you order his million-dollar birthday fries, he just has to celebrate." Here you go! Here I am! Uncle Moe! Thank you, ma'am! This'll be a treat! Uncle Moe! Here I am, while you eat!

Babe (GIGGLING) I got you babe, I got you babe Funny.

Hooray, hooray oh, here's A merry Sleigh jingling, jingling jingling, jingling santa's on his way be good, be good the way you know you should

Now to absorb some local color through the magic of A.M. radio. ...Book of Revelations tells us... to watch for the seven signs of evil-- Sign of evil number four-- Continuing our sign-of-evil countdown, here's Vanessa Williams.

take my pen knife my good man I swear it's springfield's only choice throw up your hands and raise your voiCe monorail what's it called - Monorail - Once again monorail but main street's still all cracked and broken sorry, mom the mob has spoken

Ew! Linda and I both feel strongly about animal rights. In fact, if you play "Maybe I'm Amazed" backwards, you'll hear a recipe for a really ripping lentil soup. When will all those fools learn that you can be perfectly healthy... simply eating vegetables, fruits, grains and cheese?

(WAILING) Hey, a note.

Right here in Dayton. (GIGGLING) At the Dayton Arms Hotel? Yup. It's really boring. You kids would've hated it. (GIGGLING) So how's the weather in Dayton? Oh, you know, typical boring Dayton weather. (MOANING) Hey, do I hear a backrub?

Damn you! A box!

What's the matter? I'm making as nice as I can. Test lady. Test lady. Go ahead, give it a try. It goes by how clammy your hands are.

Ooh, eh, ah, ooh

Ow ! My foot ! You lousy, stupid, clumsy-- See that ? Krusty wore big floppy shoes, but he's got little feet like all good-hearted people ! Sideshow Bob really fills his shoes with big ugly feet. Kid's right. How do you figure we missed that ?

Good Lord! Mother's in the park! This I've gotta see. Oh, Marge, we were so close to winning the championship. Now, thanks to Burns, it's never gonna happen. And I spent so much time building that trophy case.

and serviced by prostitute express riders...

Oh, sir, such a thing has never been done. just make it happen. Oh. Oh, dear.

- Food fight! - Yeah! Da-na-na na-na-na-na, na-na Mmm. No-- No!

Bart, what's wrong with you?

I don't see Prussia, Siam or autogiro. Keep looking!

not like Janie's mom. ("THREE STOOGES" NOSE TWISTING NOISE) Whatever. (HORNS HONKING) (GASPS) This concert is oversold. It's as if a music promoter acted unscrupulously.

- (SCREAMS) - (BARKS) (SCREAMS) Be careful! (SCREECHING) (SCREAMS) (GRUNTS)

Clancy, use the remote. Oh, yeah. Oh! Can we talk about Chief Wiggum?

Hmm. Let's see. Cash register ink. Well, that's a business expense, isn't it? I-- Oh, but, then, I do enjoy the smell of the stuff, don't I? Better not risk it.

Do you want to go home? Lady, you just gave me the idea of a lifetime. How do I thank you? Don't hurt me.

I'll be right back, boys. I've gotta go help that lady. Homer, you help too. I toileth not on ye Sabbath, woman! A pox on thee!

Oh, ya were not. You were just eatin' a damn orange. Oh, yes, yes. To the untrained eye, I'm eating an orange, but to the eye that has brains, I'm making a point about marriage. For you see, marriage is a lot like an orange. First you have the skin,

So how are you, Mrs. Krabappel? Law abiding. I'm done. Moe! I've never seen you here before. Well, these days my roots don't stay... so chestnut on their own, Officer Simpson.

Daddy! Boychick! Oh, Daddy! You're on, Krusty. Oh, uh... Boys and girls I'd like to be serious for a moment, if I may.

(GROANS) Nice work, cruise control. Are we home yet? In a minute, honey. (SIREN BLARING) (GASPS) Oh, my God! If I get one more DUI, they'll take away my license! And what will I leave when I rent rollerblades? (GASPS)

We couldn't tell you ahead of time because you'd spill the beans.

I forgot my swimsuit, too, but I improvised. Hello.

Ha-ha, ha-ha-ha Loser! Na-na, na-na-na You know, there is such a thing as being a bad winner.

(BEETHOVEN'S FIFTH SYMPHONY PLAYING) (WHISTLES) (MUTTERING INCOHERENTLY)

His float’s already moving. I didnt even hear the engine start. Yeah. ts really runnin' quiet. Some mechanic tuned it up right before the parade. A mechanic?

Yeah, sure, we know him. That's Mr. Burns. He tried to kill our puppies. He sexually harassed me. He stole my fiancÉe. He made fun of my weight. Okay, so there's been a little friction. Know his address? Whoa! This guy's got more bread than a prison meat loaf.

You only have 10 seconds to decide, sir. This is the best computer in the world and always will be, right? Absolutely. Just run the deed to your house through here. You are on your-- Fifth. mortgage.

I do sympathize with your situation, Mr. Simpson. After all, your brother could be anywhere. Even Detroit. I know he could be anywhere ! That's why I want you to narrow it down. Please ! Mr. Simpson, if you ask me, the City of Brotherly Love isn't Philadelphia. It's Detroit.

Oh! No! You got the black one. Hey, everybody, I'm Peter Pants-less!

Ooh! QuÉ malo. Once again, I must sugar my own churro. But I am just a simple librarian.

Well, that was wonderful. A good time was had by all. I'm pooped.

Attention, Homer Simpson. You have 10 seconds to explain your actions... before we open fire! Uh, it's my first day!

"30 cents off Shake 'N' Bake." Homer! We can spare it, Marge. We've been blessed.

Wow! That was a lot of words. I need some energy. Hey, hey, kids. (LAUGHS) Heart disease can strike anyone, including heavy-drinking, chain-smoking clowns!

"You will not see me again until I am a man." Oh, Homer... Homer! We're all in shock.

I know because I crippled him myself to inspire you. Well, I hope they win, or Mr. Burns said he's coming back.

Ahh. Ah-- Oh, my God. I gotta do something! Come on, transmit. Transmit!

I've figured out the boy's punishment. First, he's grounded. No leaving the house, not even for school. Second, no eggnog. In fact, no nog period. And third, absolutely no stealing for three months.

Don Vittorio DiMaggio. Krusty the Clown. Sorry I have to do this, Krusty. I cannot do it! To murder a funnyman of such genius... would be a crime.

is gone, but not forgotten. Today was the unveiling of the new Krusty stamp. Postal patrons were asked to choose between two competing designs-- one of Krusty's heartwarming smile, and one of his fiery death. By a nearly two-tO-One vote, the smiling Krusty was chosen.

Sure, boy. First, you gotta shriek like a woman. And keep sobbing till he turns away in disgust. That's when it's time to kick some back. And then when he's lying out on the ground-- Yeah? Kick him in the ribs. Yeah? Step on his neck. Yeah?

We've been out here six seconds. You've already managed to blow the routine. Sexless freak.

(HISSING) Very well. You had your chance. I am going to shred you like a Christmas card! Now get out! I can't! My mom's not picking me up for an hour!

Oh, no! No, no! The George Raft look is dead. I wanted Audie Murphy!

Dang right. Fact is, I invented kissing. It was during World War I, and they were looking for a new way to spread germs.

Now, who could that be at this hour? Yes. Yes. Up. Down. Side to side. What's your point? Ow! Gotcha.

But it might work. That baby-proofing crook wanted to sell us... safety covers for the electrical outlets. But I'll just draw bunny faces on them to scare Maggie away. She's not afraid of bunnies. She will be.

Oh, Marge. So tomorrow, instead of bickering with this boy, talk to him. You'll be surprised how far a little understanding will go. Well, thank you very much, Mrs. Maharishi Gandhi. Let's go, boy.

What a load of crappy crap crap! Quiet, boy. I have a feeling some bad stuff is about to go down. This is where the wolf blows down the pigs' house. He blows, all right. He blows big-time. That's it, honey. Get into the spirit.

Well, we could use the extra money. And this house is falling apart. All right.

Dad just wanted to go bowling. He shouldn't have deceived me, but I'm just so relieved Lenny's okay.

...18, 19, 20. I found you, Bart! Ralph, we're playing checkers. I don't like you, Boy-Mommy!

My glasses! Please, kids, play sanitary.

Simpson, I want you to rejoin our power plant family. Sorry. No can do. Hear me out, Simpson ! I don't want you to come back as a technical supervisor or supervising technician... or whatever the hell you used to do.

We need more information.

Marge, would you love me more if I were president? 'Cause I'll do it if it'll make you happy. Homie, as long as you keep the car full of gas, I'm happy. Well, you can always depend on that. And since I'd achieved...

The boot kicked Bart! It kicked him right in the butt! I think Bart and Lisa are feeling a little upset right now. Isn't there something you'd like to say? There sure is. Kids, you tried your best, and you failed miserably.

Today’s robbers, they are all smash and grab. You understood the dance. Our time is passing, old friend. Uh, if you two country hens are finished clucking... I'd like to buy a copy of Jugs s Ammo.

And you wouldn't even be the only wrestler in the neighborhood. The Shrieking Sheik lives just three doors away. Hey! I'll take it. Uh, would it be all right if I kept this portrait?

It was captured on film by a camera crew making the upcoming Fox special,

Sorry. Your game is very nice. Dinnertime.

If the students find out I'm performing at Floppy's, I'll never live it down. I won't tell if you put me on the guest list. All right. Plus one? Nae. Now I'll give you directions starting from the Simpsons' house.

What's this wrapped in a banana leaf? Mmm. Smells like mint. Oh, I spit my gum in there. Eww. Where'd you meet this Trent Steel-- Moe's? No way! This guy's a winner. He has a company that makes computers, or a computer that makes... companies.

Give 'em the benefit of your years of experience. Don't worry. That won't take long.

Oh, no. My recurring nightmare is coming true. There are many people I'd like to thank for this award. My wife Anjelica Houston. This is for you, Angie. We did it! ROBOT: Speeches cannot be longer than 30 seconds. (SCREAMS) Now, a tribute to those who have left us this past year.

Not much headroom though. Ooh! Oh, I guess I can drive it for a little while. But, Mom, I read that sport utility vehicles... are more likely to be involved in fatal accidents. Fatal to the people in the other car. Let's roll. Hang on. The manual says I need to log on to the onboard computer.

Milhouse, my mom wears earrings. Do you think she's cool? No! I think she's hot! Sorry. It just slipped out.

I'll just give Goliath II the old rock to the head, applause, applause, you gotta believe in yourself, stay in school, and we're outta here. - I don't know, Davey. - Quiet, you. Oh, you've gotten pretty fat, Davey.

Uh-oh! We gotta get outta here. Just take 'em all! Then it's decided. Our Web site name will be crime.org. I think we're in the clear.

On the Itchy and Scratchy CD-ROM, is there a way to get out of the dungeon without using the wizard key?

my brand-new hubby. I wanted a room with a fireplace... you brainless luggage monkey! Like the one in your brochure! Oh, Selma, dear. I was just chatting with my good friend... Dennis. Now, smile for the camera, that's a good lad.

We gotta find someplace to hide. The abandoned warehouse! D'oh! Stupid economic recovery.

Go back to bed! Don't make me come up there.

Whoa. I gotta replace that window. "Pool-mobile"?

Come on, everybody !

No more Baby Stink Breath! Thanks to the Baby So Fresh tri-patch system. These soothing chemical patches aiteryour baby's DNA... while leaving the R NA. untouched. A w] f Chuckiing] Not safe for babies under two.

That will do. It's not my fault.

You should’ve paid the expenses. In retrospect, yes! Ooh, I think that fixed my back.

Oh, you're just jealous 'cause you don't have the belly for it anymore, Mr. No-Belly. Mr. Hasn't-Got-A-Belly. Well, I have just finished a whole lamb. But, uh, I reckon I could take you to school. You're on, boy.

Still not clean. Still not clean!

You lose. Get off my property. Let's have the next child.

Wow. If it weren't for this wall, we'd be sleeping in the same bed. Yeah. Uh, walls are a necessity in today's society. Homer, I got a really wicked idea that could get us into a lot of trouble. Oh! Mindy, we have to fight our temptation.

(SCREAMS) All right, everyone.

J Love is a battlefields Huh? Huh? Huh? Ow! J At iastJ J Relax Don 't do itJ

in the world with one person one very special person

Topes, one out, down by three. Here's the pitch. Swung on and missed. Strike three. Of course. Damnation ! These banjoes couldn't carry Pie Traynor's glove. Big Bill McCloskey coming up. As soon as he pops out, we'll go right to the post-game show.

I could ask you the very same question. Uh, should I just back out of the room? Would you? Okay, Dad, ready for our first con? You bet. Let's trim the mark. Nice use of the lingo, Homer. 10-4, kemosabe.

I don't like it. He's got johnny Carson, Bette Midler and Hugh Hefner. What've we got? Ray jay johnson. Oy! Yi-yi-yi- yi-yi-yi-yi! Now, boys, the network has a problem with some of your lyrics. Would you mind changing 'em for the show? Forget you, clown.

It's show time! Okay, okay, think back to your training. This may well save your life one day. Homer? Yeah? This button controls the emergency override. In a meltdown, push this button, and only this button. Ooh, a side.

Yo, Homer, you got to get ready for work. Uh-huh. What? What am I gonna-- Hey, you! Stop being... so unsafe! Smitty... safen up. Could we have a word? No.

Let's go. Shh. Look at her in there, washing her body. Get away from that window and help me with this banner.

And, uh, the jars of urine? Oh, we'll hang on to those. Now, to the plant! We'll take the Spruce Moose! Hop in! But, sir-- I said hop in.

Hard to the right. Hard to the left. Cat. Deer. Old man. jackknifed sugar truck. Sugar?

Homer! Huh? Huh? You're drooling on my Goodwill pile!

Whoo-hoo! We can gamble! Yes!

Poor sucker. It's amazing what some guys will do for a pretty face.

I'm wailing out for the homeless family living out of its car. The Iowa farmer whose land has been taken away by unfeeling bureaucrats. The West Virginia coal miner, coughing up-- That's all fine and good, but none of those unpleasant people...

Well, that's what happens when you introduce foreign species... into an ecosystem that can't handle them.

But then we found out that ABC had a similar project in development... with Annie Potts and jeremy Piven. Who's jeremy Piven? We don't know. But it scared the hell out of us, so we slapped together a cop show instead.

Oh, this is the worst crisis my marriage has ever faced! Colonel Klink, why have you forsaken me? What is it? You have a question? Did you know Kinch had a radio in the coffee pot? He did? Mmm!

How about, "With a love that will echo through the ages." Aww. Ooh! That's sweet. Homer, you old honey dripper. Why, you little... Hee, hee.

Hey, turkeys! Behind ya. For the last time, Bush, apologize for spanking my boy! Never. You make him apologize for destroying my memoirs. You didn't tell me you destroyed his memoirs. Never!

Ha-ha! Hey, that hurts.

Mmm, he's not responding. Proceed to level two-- antagonism.

Good Lord! Did anyone get the license number? Gee, I forgot. Uh, no.

Don't you realize how close you just came to killing yourself?

f Man On Radio f Police are iooking for a bald man in blue pants... and a fair-haired giri in a red iampshade. Blackening our hair was a great idea, Dad. l lookjust like a Powerpuff Girl. l lookjust like Elvis.

All right, here are your exams. Fifty questions. True or false. True. Homer, I was just describing the test. True. Homer, just take the test, and you'll do fine. False.

No TV and No Beer Make Homer-- something something. Go Crazy? Don't mind if I do!

These guys must be millionaires. I'll bet they get all kinds of girls. I question the value of this assembly. It will be a pleasant memory when they're pumping gas for a living.

Dude. Hey-oh! All right! Now let's get this carcass over to the hospital and carve it up for organs. Dibs on the liver!

Hello, kids. Everything above the board here ? Good. Play friendly, children. Uh-oh, there's your bell. Come along, now, all of you. No dawdling, now. I'll get you after school, man. But-- No, no, no. He'll get you after school, son. - Now hurry up. It's time for class. - But--

Hey. We just got away with murder. And it was so easy! You know, I've never liked that little wiener Milhouse. No more murders! But you got to kill-- No!

Ah, c'est la vie.

No, Grampa! Don't! - Dad, sit down! - Gosh darn it! What does this do? Oh, I'll make my adjustments here and--

Here it is, everybody-- The world's greatest Web site. Hello! Hello! Hello! You'd think all the noises would be annoying, but they're not. I got suspended from school today. No kiddin'?

Yeah, there's just no way to resist it, is there? I want all five T-shirts to say "Best Vacation Ever." Attention, Marge Simpson. Your son has been arrested.

Eh. His best friend's a talking pie.

(GRUNTS) (GRUNTS) (SCREAMS) I'll show you. I'll move 33 inches away. A yard's 36! (SCREAMS) (GROANING) Now you tell me. I don't know what they taught you in public school. But at St. Jerome's,

The fast track begins at birth. That's it! Claw and bite for position! We have only enough tuition money for two. For the rest of you, better luck next life. That's a lot of pressure to put on a baby. All they should be worried about is the Raspberry Monster! (MARGE BLOWING RASPBERRIES) (MAGGIE GIGGLING)

you are never driving again, ever! Ohh, I can't believe I cracked up my only set of wheels.

(EXCITED CHATTER) Joe, why won't you acknowledge our love child? Er, uh, that is not my baby. (QUIMBY-LIKE) Er, uh, waa... Raise this as your own.

Ah, au gratin potatoes. That's a quality side.

Moe's Tavern where the peanut bowl is freshened hourly. Moe, I'd like to bet $20 on Denver. I think I can provide that service. Chief Wiggum, could you hand me that little black book? Sure thing, Moe. I was using it as a coaster. $20 on Denver. Pleasure doing business...

You're right. You made me bleed my own blood !

That's a new one! Wait a minute. One more time. Hello, my baby hello, my honey... Double-time now. I love school.

Nothing could be as fun as that looks. Hey, look what i got, Bart! A Tickle Me Krusty! Hey, kid, get your finger out of there. - Ow! - Homer!

It's all gone. Everything... gone-diddilly-on.

- Yeah ! - You're our hero, Bart ! Look, everybody. I would just as soon not make a big deal out of this. I'm not sayin' I'm not a hero. I'm just saying that I fear for my safety.

Those days are over. Give it up. (SIGHING) You win, kids. Just sleep here tonight and we'll all go back to Springfield tomorrow. Great! What do you want to play? How about the floor is made of lava? (BOTH LAUGHING)

Dead man walkin' on the green mile. Give me your hands, boss. I'll kill you! I killed them other people. I'm gonna kill you too!

As you wish. Noooooo!

Would Willie's fence-mending eggs bear fruit? Or would his olive branch be torn apart by woodpeckers of mistrust? That night, fate wore a cummerbund... of suspense. Thank you, Taco, for that loving tribute to Falco.

When the jazzman's testifying A faithless man believes He can sing you into paradise

As I was saying, my yearly evaluation couldn't have come at a better time. Well, Seymour, I must say, for once, I am impressed. In fact, I am going to give this school a perfect 10. I'll just write the zero first. Now a vertical line to indicate the one.

Dad, where are you? Tonight on Wings-- Ah, who cares?

I want to know why my money isn't bringing you happiness. Oh, Bea, I'm not cut out for the high life. Abraham, if you're not happy with the money, why don't you spread it around ?

Marge, do you respect my intelligence?

Well, Chief, don't quit your day job. Whatever that is.

All right! Whoo! What's the hubbub? Did Moe finally blow his brains out? Quiet! We're watching the Isotopes. Shut it off. They're losers. Where you been? The Isotopes are on fire. Yeah, that sniper at the all-star game was a blessing in disguise.

Permission denied. Payload checklist. I.R.S. surveillance satellite. Check. Ant farm. Check. Children's letters to God. Check. Three, two, one. Make rocket go now.

Well, what do you know? Cats eat flies. Sometimes I wish a cat would eat me. Dude, we're in Flanders's house... unsupervised.

Hey, I see you're watchin' a ball game. Looks like a good one. Any of you involved in any illegal activity? 'Cause I could sure go for some. Oh, God! How about you, Lenny? Testing, testing. Lenny? You saying you want to commit a crime, Homer?

Homer, get ready! Patty and Selma will be here any minute! Oh, no! Better ride this one out in the closet. Sorry, Dad. This is our spot.

Jesus' teachings stress inclusiveness and compassion.

Come into the light. Come on now. There's a good boy. Come on. Come on.

Ugh! I won't even tell you what that guy's into. Bart, you are the closest thing to a man my life and that's so depressing I think I'm to cry. Aah..!

Lisa Simpson, who we'll all be keeping an eye on. I know most of you have already judged my brother guilty without any proof. But doesn't the Bible teach us "judge not, lest ye be judged," Reverend? I think it may be somewhere towards the back.

Mmm. Who knows? Maybe I'll have to foil an assassination. Or stop a peace conference.

I knew it. I guess I'll just crawl back to live in a sewer, periodically emerging to sue you.

Will you remember this the next time I wreck your life? It's a deal. And now, my exclusive interview with His Holiness, Pope john Paul II. That's it. I cannot work under these conditions. If anybody wants me, I'll be downstairs at McDougal's.

Sorry, Donkey Kong. You are just not a draw anymore.

Don't make me choose! No! I love you, Son. I love you too, Dad.

I cant believe they took Monkey Trauma Center off for this. f Snoring] L ousy family- So, I'm just some babe who sank her claws into you. - A hot babe. - Oh!

Right, right. "Blocko" shirt. Lisa, how's your Eiffel Tower kit? It's okay, but it's missing a piece. Welcome to real life, Lisa. You can't fight city hall, a.k.a. Blockoland. So don't even try! What kind of a thing is that to tell your children? It's what I always tell them.

Uh, guys? Guys? The hose! Bart, please. The groundskeeper and I... are trying to settle this like adults.

"The Lighter Side of Hippies." They don't care whose toes they step on. Whoo!

Hmm. Do you suffer from diabetes? No. Well, you do now. We are here live in the K.B.B.L. parking lot to see... how low will you go. Our most disgusting contestant will win a free trip to Hartford, Connecticut. I thought it was Hawaii.

Hey, I found a shortcut through your hedge maze.

So, where are you parked? Oh, we don't have a car. But I thought you-- Just keep driving, boyo. Could I turn on the radio?

Homer! - What? - Are you ready? just gotta put my shoes on.

Kids. Here's your candy. So long, sucker! Uh, sir. Your life savings. Uh, yes. I see that it's in bill form. Excellent.

push-'em-through- the-plate-glass-window splatter fest... from the Hollywood cookie cutter. Here's a typically brainless scene. Senator Mendoza is one of the most respected citizens in this state, McBain, and yet you ran his limo off a cliff, broke the necks of three of his bodyguards... and drove a bus through his front door ? But, Captain, I have proof that he's head of an international drug cartel.

Whoa! You've got a Dingo junction here?

There is A man there is A man A certain man A certain man A man whose grace and handsome face are known across the land

For shame. Oh, this is horrible. My spit takes all have blood in 'em! Look, I'm really sorry. "Sorry" don't suture my colon! And you're off my show forever!

Wow! Dad was a good speller? Oh, your dad used to be smart as a monkey. Then his mind started gettin' lazy, and now he's dumb as a chimp. - Grampa! - Hey, I am too. Your brother's comin' along nicely. Look at Bart's homework. Back when he was your age, he was smart as a chimp.

Well, if you believe in me, then I'm not going to give up. I'll prove I'm right. This Friday, we're going back to the woods. And we're going to find that alien.

and you can't stop me!

and it always brings me good luck. Why, thanks, Senator. Oop! Looks like my shift is over. Uh-oh! Come on, lucky seven! Papa needs a new pair of spats. I want some of that sweet, sweet do-re-mi! Fat City, here I come!

Lou, you can't leave the force. I can change. I just think there's more money in private security. What I'm hearing is "I'm too fat." Aren't I?

(BOTH GRUNTING INDISTINCTLY) (TIGER GROWLING) (SPRAYING) Next. Hurry, before she changes her mind.

Mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm. Mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm. Mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm. Mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm. Mmm!

Marge? Bart? Lisa? (MUSIC PLAYING) ALL: Aloha. Oh. This is just like Hawaii. But you don't get beaten up if you leave the hotel. What gives? We just wanted to thank you. Because of the Xanax, I'm not overanxious about being a Simpson anymore.

Ned does everything with class. Whether he's punching in his A.T.M. code... or keeping clean in the shower. Homer! But don't take my word for it. Listen to this testimonial. Oh, I would date Ned in a second if I was a woman or gay.

What's all this about a secret swimming pool? What secret swimming pool is that? Hey, let's look behind that door! Aaah! Uh, don't go in there!

And this really burns my cannoli! Maggie's right in the middle ofthat Italian-American Mexican standoff! - Oh, my God! I gotta save her! - No. You got a family.

Ding-dong ! Here comes the cavalry. Doh ! Homer, you promised to be nice to my sisters. I know. I will.

Homer, what is it? Slow down. Yer getta ferda redda oura. Think before you say each word.

Nelson Muntz. I want you to keep filling your shirt with crud till I get back. Y-Yes, sir.

You need to find an anchor of some sort.

Did you girls watch the last episode of MASH? That Mike Farrell really boils my "potata." I miss-a da Klinger already. when the working day is done

Come on, come on! Get that corpse off the road! The streets are for the living! Whoa! Slow down, you maniac! Show some respect for this coffin full of bricks...

with subliminal messages? That's pretty far-fetched, Lisa. Are you sure someone hasn't been bitten by the jealousy bug? Here comes the jealousy bug! - Gonna get ya! Gonna get ya! - Hey! Stop! Cut it out. You're a grown man. I want to go home now. Nobody's going home!

You missed the baby. You missed the blind man.

Wait. That's not how you spell "dumbening." Wait. "Dumbening" isn't even a word! I've got to find out more.

And he mispronounced words that even I know, like "abdomen." And his office was dirty. Now that I think about it, I'm not sure he's even a doctor. Doh ! And Mrs. Simpson, could you describe for us, in your own words, Bart's "intense mental anguish and suffering" ?

but he's not some kind of food-crazed maniac. Ah! Oh! That's raspberry. Oh. Ice cream! Ice cream! Workers, please. There'll be time for the frozen-pudding wagon later. You still owe me 10 more Iroquois twists.

"Cotta-hay cheese"? Cottage cheese! Yuck! From the looks of it, this cheese has already been eaten. Oh, honey, please take this seriously. When people used to ask me how you were doing, I said, "At least he's got his health." Now you've got nothing! Okay, Mom. For you, I'll try.

I'll stuff that sun hat down your neck! Smithers, take me home. I'm not fully defrosted. Nonsense. Just sit down and rest for a moment. There you go.

You stink ! - Could you read that last part back to me ? - "You stink !" Heh-heh-heh. Good. You are a senile, buck-toothed old mummy... with bony girl arms, and you smell like-- - An elephant's butt ? - Hee-hee. An elephant's butt.

It's an emergency. Now, Martha, we've been over this and over this. We're too old to start having children. If you're looking for something to do, why don't you start a new twine ball? Come on. A man's life is at stake. We need to get a message to the prison. Think. Think!

Every cab has its own butler. Actually, I'm not a butler. I had already hired this cab when you got in. But the more the merrier, and all that. (CHUCKLING) Make with the tea, Jeeves. Yes. Very good, sir. We're big shot tourists from everyone's favorite country,

Due to popular demand, we will forgo our national anthem.

Coochy coochy coo! Krusty funny. Duh.

As for the workmanship on the hand, it-- Oh. That's not right! You mocking me! Oh, that is rich.

I'm back to commit

He didn't go to Nelson's, did he? No, no. I'm pretty sure he's with Milhouse. Milhouse! What? Tell Bart to come home! I think he's at Nelson's!

How clever. The kids' menu is on the beak.

Here you go, Bart. Hmm. "Springfield Kozy Kort Motel, room 26. How 'bout it ? Flash." Wow ! Flash Baylor came on to my wife ! You've still got the magic, Marge. Hey, Dad, look ! You're on jumbo-Vision !

I'm a big boy today. I gotta find something else quick. Why don't you bring this potato? It's pretty big. Mom, you're always trying to give me potatoes. What is it with you? I just think they're neat.

Look! Prudence Goodwyfe. Died 1641. She voted for Bob too. So did Buddy Holly, Richie Valens and The Big Bopper. Even the pet cemetery voted for Bob.

the iced tea brewed by hippies, but distributed by a heartless, multinational corporation.

And my soul from out that shadow that lies floating on the floor... shall be lifted nevermore. Lisa, that wasn't scary, not even for a poem. Well, it was written in 1845. Maybe people were easier to scare back then.

Wow, man, what is this place? I prefer not to be called "man." My name is Belle, and this is the Maison Derriere. That means the, uh, "Back House." Are you havin' a party or somethin'? Nonstop. We're a burlesque house--

Let's go over the ground rules. You can't leave first until you chug a beer. Any man scoring has to chug a beer. Chug a beer at the top of all odd-numbered innings. And the fourth inning is the beer inning. Hey, we know how to play softball.

Lousy Homer. I'll show him. Tonight his beloved mock apple pie will have real apples. Wha-- Oh, my God. It's so beautiful. Hey, look, everybody. Marge is here.

It's just that some people find your turkey a little dry.

and down Will come baby cradle and all Sweet dreams. We may be the best parents in the world.

Uh, uh-- Um, uh-- Hmm. Dad, I know I've been a little hard on you the last couple of days. If I had the strength to lift my arms, I'd give you a hug. Thanks, boy. Now, be careful when you-- Oops.

and you won't see any of your favorite shows again until you give in! Whoa! That bites. Holy crap! What's that you say? You can live without television... as long as you have beer? That's right. Wrong. All beer trucks heading toward Springfield have been diverted. This town will be as dry as a bone.

One, two, three, four! Happy birthday to you Happy birthday

Thanks, Funzo. You rock. All righty. It's always a party with Funzo. I admit it's kind of cute. But it'll never take the place of Malibu Stacy.

I need help. Oh, God, help me! Help me, God!

Dad, I'm sorry you're hurt, but you left me no choice. You were obnoxious at a level not even permitted in show business! Do you know the hours I worked?

or you can trade it all in for what's in this box.

It's time for itchy & Scratchy ! Hey, hey, hey !

Look, I'm supposed to get a physics tutor. You've come to the right place. If there's one thing we know, it is science. And math. And the words to every Monty Python routine. We are the knights who say "Ni!" Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni.

(SOBBING) Why you little... (CHOKING) My first kiss.

Ladies and gentlemen, my unlimited love to y'all.

I love you, Dad ! I love you, too, son. You know, boy, I don't think I've ever felt as close to you... as I do right-- Huh ? Aah ! Ooh ! I'm gonna make it. I'm gonna make it !

Nice suit, jeeves. Daddy, I'm stealing! I'm stealing! Oh, that's my little dude.

Ah, people buy 'em when they're small and cute, then they flush 'em down the toilet. Uh, yeah. I'll have the shark butt with butt sauce. Bart! Oh, excellent choice, sir. Oh! Um, how is the Feast of Twelve Delights... with Triple Happiness Sauce?

We'd better stop and get the car washed. Aw, what's the rush? Might rain next week. Hey, Homer, your car's kind of dirty. Really? You think I should get it washed? Yeah, maybe.

You don't have to tell me, I was number three. Listen, you have any pointers for a newbie? Well, there are six schools of begging. Bad musician, messed up vet, cripple, fake cripple, religious zealot, and crazy guy. I think you would do well with crazy guy. Coke and Pepsi are the same thing! Wake up, people!

Excuse me. You're doing this station all backwards. Let me show you how to do it like a man. Rainier Wolfcastle! Oh, I love your movies... and your Powersauce bars and your taught, rippling-- Hey, hey, hey. That's enough. Now step over to the Abdominator, and I will shout slogans at you.

Remember a sadder day Look, Mom! Look! I'm riding by myself! (CAR HORN) (SCREAMING)

Hmm. Not a drop in the house. What do you know? Homer, I'm impressed. - You're taking this quite well. - I'll kill you! I'll kill all of you! Homer! Sorry. Sorry. Don't worry. There's plenty I can do to keep myself occupied. Maybe I'll check out that ax collection.

It's that kid! It's the "I didn't do it" guy! He's mine! I own him and all the subsidiary rights!

When I get home, there are gonna be a lot of open pickle jars. That one. Kids, would you like a balloon? Yeah, right, Mom. Then I'd like a rattle and a "wollypop." Actually, I would like a "wollypop."

Stop! Those candidates are phonies! You heard me. They're alien replicons from beyond the moon! Yeah, right, pal.

Hasta la vista, baby! Hmm? Uhh!

Hi! Did you miss me? Never leave again! Never leave again! Never leave again. I missed you too.

Oh, man, that went south quick. I gotta find a bathroom.

Got to fool him before the day is out. But how? He must have a weakness. Ah, beer, my one weakness. My Achilles' heel, if you will. Beer. Beer is the cheese. But how to use it?

D'oh! Freeze, you little shock jocks! Brilliant. They transduced amplitude modulation... via the concavity of that oversized beverage conveyance. I mean, that is some clever "viving."

Hello, everybody. I'm here live on Main Street... where dedicated fans are already staking out the best seats for the big anniversary parade. Bye, Mom. Bye, Dad. Bye, kids. On your way back pick up a six-pack of beer. Bart, Lisa, it's 11:00 at night. Where do you think you're going?

Please to repeat again, and I will translating for the el Presidente.

Hey, hi. Can I arrest any of you people for anything?

Maybe so. But I'd appreciate it if you didn't call them morons. But they are morons. - What grown person could believe in angels? - Well, your mother, for one. You? But, y-you're an intelligent person, Mom.

Don't have a stereotypical view of me just because I'm your mother. I know. How about we play the basketball? I'm no Harvey Globetrotter, but-- Watch out for the Shaq attack. Ow! I told you to watch out.

Geronimo! (LAUGHING) Look. We can go inside. Ooh! We're like Howard Carter discovering the Temple of Tutankhamen.

Sir, you haven't slept since the casino opened five days ago. I've discovered the perfect business. People swarm in, empty their pockets and scuttle off!

Springfield's pro-darkness policy. .. has resuited in a spree of vandalism. .. unmatched since the Detroit Tigers. .. iast made the play-offs over two centuries ago.

"101 Frozen Pops."

You know, Bart, I really like spending time with you. Just hold the light. I cant see nothin'. Let's fire blindly into the dark. No. You might hit a made man. They want light. By God, the/ll get light.

Today I declare Springfield "Fat City, U.S.A." I can't believe it. Everyone's celebrating their obesity. Yee-haw!

Bye, Moe. Yep. The old quarry is just a stone's throw away. Stop saying that, Dad.

just remember, you represent the office of the mayor. So always comport yourself in a manner befitting-- Quick, honk at that broad. Good work, Simpson. I couldn't be happier with the way that went.

to direct and star in his own pet project, The Contrabulous Fabtraption of Professor Horatio Hufnagel. Will the gambit pay off? 20th Century Fox is betting... it will.

I didn't expect all this.

Can't buy me love - Oy! - Love can't buy me love I'll buy you A diamOnd ring, my friend

Please wait by your vehicle between 9:00 a.m. and 5:00 p.m... for parking officer Steve-- Grabowski.

...So I took A big chance at the high School dance with A missy who was ready to play... Hey, Moe, come on. Get up here. And I know that love was here to stay she told me to walk this way walk this way walk this way walk this way walk this way walk this way.

Oh. I guess I should speak to the executor of his estate. He's right over there. They were in the same car.

Bless you, boys. - Homer, those are ice cream men. - I know.

long after my body has succumbed to my infectious diphtheria." Ew. Here's johnnycakes.

All right! Food! Bart! Leave some for Rod and Todd. Here you go, lad. Todd, no! Uh, listen, Homer, we'd love to help you, but we're not really set up for lepers.

You can do it, old boy. Yes, I can! Yes, yes. That's the spirit.

All right, pal, where'd you get the sugar for that tea? I nicked it when you let your guard down for that split second. And I'd do it again. Good-bye. Do you see, Marge? Do you see? Homer, when are you gonna give up this crazy sugar scheme? Never! Never, Marge.

now it doesn't work So who won? The losers? No, they lost.

Oh. Uh, Teeny here is from Brazil. His uncle was the head monkey at the Bureau of Tourism. But if you get elected, you can change all that... and stop those stupid airplanes from flying over my house. Yeah. I could even tell the F.C.C. to take a hike.

Five, four, three-- My eyebrows! My beautiful eyebrows! Over here, governor. The word "unblowupable" is thrown around a lot these days.

I'll have you know the contents of that Dumpster are private.

Hey, what on earth are you doing? Practicing tennis. That's tennis?

Did you know you were going-- Oh ! Sorry, sir. I didn't know it was you. That's okay. Carry on. See the way I handled that, Marge ?

I've asked for water three times now. Don't jump. Is everything all right ? Well, well, well. If it isn't little jimmy Pearson.

- Come on, live a little. - No, thank you. I got me a future. I'm two days away from retirement.

Uh, yes, it's something, dear. See, it's all legit. Now make with the party. All right, boy! Which con did you work here? Copy off another kid? Pay attention and take notes? Well, take note of this. (CHOKING)

Well, kids, we all know that sometimes when cartoon characters die, they're back again the very next week. That's why I'm presenting this sworn affidavit... that Poochie will never, ever, ever return!

Is it? Oh, that's it. Dagmar, Julian.

You, I've never seen before. Hey, yeah, who are you ? I saw you chasing Bart's ambulance. Hutz is the name, Mr. Simpson. Lionel Hutz, attorney-at-law. Here's my card. It turns into a sponge when you put it in water. Ooh, classy. I'd like to talk to you about bringing legal action... against the fiend who did this to your boy.

the best doctor-to-daredevil ratio in the world. But, Captain Murdock-- Thanks, Lance ! You're welcome, little partner. On your way out, tell the nurse I'm ready for my sponge bath. Another fringe benefit. Nurse ! Springfield Gorge ? I thought we'd settled this daredevil junk !

Hmm. This kitchen certainly could use a woman's touch. - Homer, what's this thing in the corner ? - I don't know. It looks like a vortex, a gateway into another dimension.

Sorry about your dad. Don't worry about me-- I'm a survivor. Did I leave my keys? No! Oh, here they are. Hyuk! Hyuk! Hyuk! Ehh...

Can I walk you home, valentine?

You know what I'm talking about."

Ahh. Mmm. Hey, I'm back. Nice seeing you. Hey! Oh! Hey, hey, Homer! Ahmmffluhff... Inside.

Way to go, Homer.

"You have been selected for Operation Exodus." They're evacuating the Earth. We're saved! Thank you, sweet clown. In death, you saved us all. i'm not dead.

Hiya, gang. Intruder alert. Intruder alert. Stop the humanoid. Look, I'm supposed to get a physics tutor.

Nice glasses, four eyes. Yeah, nice shoes, uh, two feet. Yeah. Your appearance is comical to me.

Son of a-- Oh ! Eee ! And that's how we shave. Doh ! Whoa ! Why, you little-- It was like that when I got here. Oh, that's my boy. "Listen to Lisa play her sax."

Here's A witty rejoinder For ya! Bart, they rejected our script. I guess we're just not cut out to be writers. Maybe he just doesn't take us seriously 'cause we're kids. Let's put a grown-up's name on it. How about Grampa? He's pretty out of it.

- Hey, mister. Do you need some help? - Let him go, Ralph. He knows what he's doing.

Ow! Ow! I'll reap! I'll reap already! (IN SPOOKY TONE) Jasper, your time has come! Where's the regular guy? Where's Doug? Never mind. I'm Death now. (EXCLAIMS IN DISAPPOINTMENT) I liked Doug. (GAGS) "My Dad's Job."

This meatball soup is delicious, Stimpy. That's not meatball soup. That's my collection of fur balls in stomach acid. You idiot! You're trying to kill me, man!

Better pick up the pace.

Stupid spider! Afraid of dying? (GRUNTS) Ah-ha! Huh? (SCREAMING) (SCREAMS) (CLANKIING)

"But the third bowl of porridge was just right."

Moe. What are you doin' here? I, um-- Well, I--

What are you buying? Jerk stuff? Oh, you betcha. This kiosk sells personalized movies. I had one made starring little Rod. w'w' f Theme f f Male Announcer] K I'osk Productions presents an outer space adventure... starring you)

On the other hand, monkey see, monkey do. Kids are the best, Apu.

Try some. It's like there's a party in my mouth and everyone's invited. Excellent. Let's begin our training, shall we? Smithers... the medicine balls.

"Dear Lisa, you rock.

Mr. Simpson? I believe something of yours struck my car yesterday. Oh, yeah? Prove it! That's your license plate, isn't it?

J To his face; J And dreams of gouging out his eyes J J I’ve grown accustomed to my hate J J My plans to lacerateJ J To disembowel J

Fine, I'll drop everything I'm doing just for you! But you'll have to live with the guilt of ruining my Saturday. Can you live with that, Marge? Huh? Can ya? - Yup! - Can ya? God... bless him!

Hey, wait. Come back! Oh. A ghost train! And so little time to get out of the way. Now less. Now none! D'oh!

You mean like john Leguizamo? How should I know? The point is, A.D.D. makes children restless and easily distracted. Hi, Marge. It's me-- Homer. What? Time to go? Please, Mr. Simpson. I'm afraid I'll have to expel your son-- unless you're willing to try a radical, untested, potentially dangerous-- Candy bar?

I'd like to nominate my teacher, Mrs. Krabappel. She may not be glamorous or entertaining. She's just a real teacher who comes in every day, no matter what. And she never gave up on me, Bart Simpson. The Bart Simpson? I thought he was just an urban legend.

We're out of coffee. Well, I'll just drink this warm cream.

Hey, pfft. Screw this. Hang on, everyone. We're taking the old Simpson shortcut. So long, suckers. Whoa! Eat my dust, suckers. Stop calling everyone suckers.

Now, class, remember. Do not stick any part of your body out the window. We all know the tragic story of the young man who stuck his arm out the window... and had it ripped off by a big truck coming in the other direction. And I was that boy. Uh, Bart Simpson, sit down ! I've had just about enough of your tomfoolery.

Sure thing, honey. You want me to get the cat down? No, thanks. Pull! Missed one, Dad.

My son may not be perfect, but I know in my heart he's not a shoplifter.

Because there are a lot of people who are book smart. But it takes a very special type of genius to-- All right, Bob. It's over! Come out with your hands up! No! How did they find me?

To you Hey! Yes! Thank you. Thank you. Now that our son is an honor student, I'm going to get one of those bumper stickers... that informs strangers of that fact. Just a cotton-pickin' minute. I've been getting A's since Gymboree.

I am holding still! I am squirming!

And we must get these Season One Northern Exposure DVDs to Kahramanmaras. (BOTH PANTING) Help us! Bring back our children, you Cyprus-splitting jerks! Just for that, we keep your children. Will you raise them Christian? Coptic Christian.

but what we've seen speaks for itself. The Corvair spacecraft has apparently been taken over-- conquered, if you will-- by a master race of giant space ants. It's difficult to tell from this vantage point whether they will consume the captive Earthmen... or merely enslave them.

"Free boudoir photography." Sweet!

I don't know, Dad. Don't you have a better picture? Relax. A photo can't make any difference. He looks crazy. Agreed. Reading his essay would only waste valuable seconds. Finally, the great taste of Worcestershire Sauce...

Happy, happy, new year!

Giddyap. Whee ! Lisa, honey, why don't we go upstairs and I'll draw you a nice hot bath. That helps me when I feel sad. Sorry, Dad. I know you mean well. Thanks for knowing I mean well. Gee, Homer. Looks like you got yourself a real problem on your hands. Yeah, right. Uh, Bart, vacuum this floor.

Oh, honey, think pink. Look. A salute to safe sex.

Stop it! Come on. Let's hear that snap.

Oh, I'll never get rid of this useless junk. Useless? This flash cube has two flashes left. You guys never use any of this stuff. Look at these. You bought them after the Nagano Olympics and never skied once. If you would just stop being so impulsive, maybe-- Hey, let's go skiing right now! Yeah, Dad, let's go!

You will notice, my new best friend, that we are pretty casual around here. Yes, sir. I will notice that. Very casual, Mr. Scorpion. Don't call me Mr. Scorpion. It's Mr. Scorpio, but don't call me that either. Call me Hank. Uh, say, before we continue our tour,

surfing a tidal wave of hilarity... Look at her vacuum. onto the sands of Superstar bay. But behind the chortles, this funny fivesome was trapped in a private hell. Everybody wanted a piece of us.

and he's in our stomachs right now! Wait. Scratch that one. Mom! Mom! You've gotta help!

This is boring. I wonder what would happen if you put your train on there. Cool. Now let's throw some crud on it. Hey, it's 4:00.

You know, you play pretty well for someone with no real problems. Yeah, but I don't feel any better. The blues isn't about feelin' better. It's about makin' other people feel worse and makin' a few bucks while you're at it.

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

We now return to Two for Tunisia on Colorization Theater. Ah, my love. A million poets could try for a million years and still describe but three-eighths of your beauty. Whoa, slow down, Frenchy. This stuff is gold. "A million poets working for a million years..."

(TROMBONE PLAYING) (INHALES) (TROMBONE PLAYING)

Who wants pork chops? Mmm. Sorry, Marge. I'm afraid this gets my lowest rating ever-- seven thumbs up.

I think we hit something. I hope it's Flanders. I'm just kidding! Hey, you're all right.

Trust me-- they are always breathing. jack, I think the baby might be yours. Oh, I'm sure it is, doll face. But I'd like to see you prove it. You treat me like garbage. That's because that's the way you love it, baby. Gee, is it always this good ?

Ah, excellent progress, Slave Driver Willie. - Kudos on your whipping. - Oh, he noticed! Ay! Suffering sarcophagus! My tomb!

New gadgets! And Hollywood! Look! It's Amos from radio's Amos and Andy. Hello, everybody! Springfield: City on the grow!

It's not that tough being a film cricket.

Milhouse? What happened to my little class coward? What do you care, Mrs. Krabappel? Or should I say "Mrs. Crab Apple?" Ha-ha! "Crab Apple?" I never thought of that. It totally works. Oh, how could I have been so blind?

Huh. You kids don't know what you want. That's why you're still kids-- 'cause you're stupid! just tell me what's wrong with the freakin' show!

So I actually went to the bowling alley... to spite him... or her. Mm! Oh. I'm awfully sorry. Entirely my fault.

Here's your baby back. Thanks, Moe. I'm sorry we thought you were a baby-napper. Or worse. Am I right? Hey, hey, the important thing is little Maggie is safe. Well, uh... I gotta get home.

I'm Homer Simpson from the Simpsons.

Ahh! I'm on fire! Oh, I hope no one's drawing this! Ow!

But don't you worry. I'm gonna fix his wagon. A tollbooth? I hate these things.

But I-- And what really fries me is you returned his check! I'm sorry, Mr. Hutz, but I just can't lie to people. You're one of a kind, Marge, and nobody deserves this more than you.

What was it, 50-- $60,000? Moe? Look, maybe it would help if you went over all the mistakes you made from the beginning. Moe? What? Let me get a pad. A caller, at this hour?

Hmm. Better sew that eye back on. No! Let's send Burns the eye in the mail. He'll pay more money if he thinks the bear's in danger. Yes, we'll send the eye. I'm sure he'll offer us a fair reward, and then we'll make him double it. Huh? Hmm?

Stop the ride! I'll have to ask my supervisor. Better stop it. Can't you do something? Hey. Surly only looks out for one guy-- Surly. Hmm. Sorry, Surly. Shut up. Don't blame these kids.

Tell him I'm going to the backseat of my car with the woman I love, and I won't be back for 10 minutes!

Am I saying that right? "Roadie"r? Test, test. Check, check. Hey, he's not rockin' out at all. Test. Test. J Test You’re testing my love for you J J Check, check You’re checking to see if I'm trueJ

Let me check. Phone call for Al-- Al Coholic.

Let the commencement beginulate! (GROANS) Now, you must enter the subclavian vein.

I know exactly who I am. I am the sister of a rotten, jealous, mean, little sneak! You cost me my only friends! You've ruined my life! Hey, kids! There's a carnival tonight! Oh, boy! A carnival!

Well, how did this happen? Oh, that. You've had that for a while. Yeah, I can't really picture you without it.

Oh, she's a beaut ! Hey, congratulations ! I'm sure you'll have loads of fun. Jealous. Everybody ready ? I hate this. I don't wanna go. That's the spirit. Ready or not, nature, here we come !

It hurts! It hurts! Owee! Owee! Owee! Ow!

Now, I must tell you kids, Krusty has laryngitis and a bad back, so he won't be saying anything or doing anything.

Not in my parlor, you don't. Aah! Me eyes! I'm scalded, I am! The mother's the voice of reason. Here come the cricket bats. You don't have the cobbles.

and down Will come baby cradle and all

Here. Ow! Son of a-- Hey, leave my daughter alone! Come on, humans! We've wiped out entire species before! We can do it again!

"Cotta-hay cheese"? Cottage cheese!

Yeah, we know. Hey, Homer! Can I join? This gang's for rebels, Flanders, not "conformos." - Yeah! - Buzz off! Well, if I were a member, we could use my rumpus room as our lair. That guy just don't get it, do he? My rumpus room with the new bumper pool table?

Mom! Dad! My goodness! What's wrong? We both had nightmares. Can we sleep with you? You both toilet trained? Yes! Okay, then. 4:00? Couple hours I have to get up and go to work. Got to go to work. Go to work--

Do you need straight A's to be a cop?

This is Dick Clark, rockin' down to the year 2000. And that was Whitesnake. We're not Whitesnake, dude. We're Poison. I thought we were Quiet Riot.

Woke up this morning Got yourself a gun

Cartoons don't have to make sense. He's right, you know. Daddy, are you sure it's okay for us to watch cartoons? Mm-hmm. This one's fine and dandy, Roddy. It's approved by a council of Presby-Lutheran ministers.

If you don't, he'll beat us. Why, you little-- No one's gonna beat you, Son. You're gonna get such a beating.

Wasting no time, Rex Banner tore into the bootleggers... like a chippie tearing into a lobster. How do you know you don't like bribes if you've never taken one?

Oh! You look like a little tiny dinosaur. Oww! That is one vicious baby bird!

Oh, man, what a day. I'd kill for a beer. Uh, right away, sir. I-I-I don't want no trouble. Hmm. I'd stab somebody for a pickle. Give me some peanuts. Bup, bup, bup. You didn't say you'd kill me.

It's whisper quiet! You got all that from one bag of oranges? That's right. Order now and you'll also get Sun 'n' Run, the suntan lotion that's also a laxative.

Gill! Thank God it's you! You gotta help us! Well, that's what I'm here for. I mean, you're young, successful, you're naked. You want a car with a radio, right? You kids like music, right, huh?

Not so fast. Okay.

Eat my shorts. All right, I'll eat-- Eat your shorts? Yeah, eat my shorts. ButtmaN na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na buttman Buttman?

father. How’d you think of such perfect things for us to do? Did Mom help you? Mom? Dont you think I could read the report by myself? What report? "Report" is a daddy word that means "loves his daughter." You read the "loves his daughter" by yourself?

For the ninth time, no!

Hey, how about that? Quiet, tubsy! You violated my order. But, Constance, it only happened because-- Hey, hey! If I want a cock-and-bull story, I'll read Hemingway. Don't be mad at Homer. I was the one who cut the rope. Are you threatening me with that knife? No!

Bart, I've asked you not to whistle that annoying tune. jawohl, mein Mommandant. Why are you so happy? Yeah. You kids gotta go to school. I gotta go to work. The only one who has it easy is Marge.

Discus Stu was talking to you. Oh, where could your father be? Almost home. D'oh! Arr! Ain't I a stinker?

Okay. Maybe my dad did steal Itchy. But so what? Animation is built on plagiarism. If it weren't for someone plagiarizing The Honeymooners, we wouldn't have The Flintstones. If someone hadn't ripped off Sergeant Bilko, there'd be no Top Cat.

And for every syringe I find, I get a dollar. Well, that's great, honey. You know, Son, I’ve been doing a lot ofthinking. l was wrong to exploit you and I wont do it again. Thanks, Dad. That means a lot to me. So do you think you might see your way clear to moving back in with your ma and me?

our leader will throw open the doors of the forbidden barn, where we will all board our intergalactic vehicle-- rows one through 30 first. Upon our arrival, we will begin our new, perfect lives on Blisstonia, well-known for its high levels of bliss.

Three, two, one. Gnomes, blow up. We're not ready!

I showed it to your friends again before we left. - Bart! - Look inside. Oh. Thanks, Bart. I signed it too.

How could this have happened? I feel so dirty! The dirt's not coming off! Okay. Calm down. This must just be a little typo. Oh, Miss Hoover! There appears to be a mistake on my report card. You gave me a B-plus in conduct?

And it's time to snatch your mother from his neon claws! Marge! Where are you? Damn this casino!

Huh? - They'll clog the instruments! - Careful. They're ruffled. I'll take care of this.

Start the bus, Otto! Start the bus! Damn! I shouldn't have eaten the mint first.

ts that young’un what sorts them squiggles into words. Can you spell "scabies'"? S-C-A-B-I-E-S. Rubella, we got you a middle name. You aint supposed to hold her like that.

Hey, who cut out Beetle Bailey? I need my Miss Buxley fix. I don't like you ogling her. Why don't you read Cathy? She's hilarious. Eh, too much baggage.

Even I do. I just hate them so much. Yes, I will have the plopenlÜgen. And don't skimp on the doodlemÜnch. How ingenious. The forks are made out of Lego. Mmm. Hello, Simpsons.

We also run the shovel racket.

Because I couldn't take that. I-- I just couldn't. I-- Don't hang up on me. i'm home, everybody! Gee, the house looks great. Mom, I lost Dad and Bart. Lost them? What do you mean?

Oh, wait. You were number five? You! You stink! Damn good. Duncan's really fast, Dad. He was just intimidated by those other horses. Well, he's not gonna be intimidated anymore.

Ooh! Ahh! Uh-oh. Hey! Not bad. Hey! Ah, without the loop, it is a-nothing.

Joe's Taxidermy. You snuff 'em, we stuff 'em. Boy, when I get home

It's Homer! Don't shoot! Go! Go! It's that bear! Aim for the holes in the colander!

Let's just float by quietly.

The mail! The mail is here! Ooh! "An urgent plea from Edward james Olmos." "Lisa Simpson, can you afford to miss another issue of the Utne Reader?"

Hello. I'm Gabriel. A heavenly choir!

Hey, hey, what's goin' on here ? Krusty the Clown, you're under arrest for armed robbery. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say-- - Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. - What is this, a joke ?

Hey, wait a minute! just because I'm wearing pink doesn't mean I'm some kind of pink doughnut-eater... although it is tempting. Drop that doughnut. Let's go, pinky. You don't understand. My son just threw his red hat in with the white laundry.

Sir, you've certainly vanquished all your enemies: the elementary school, the local tavern, the old-age home. You must be very proud. No, not while my greatest nemesis... still provides our customers with free light, heat and energy.

Why didn't you tell them? Because the myth of jebediah has value too. It's brought out the best in everyone in this town.

Aisle one, next to the cat poison. Edna, look. A dimmer switch could ratchet up the romance in our love nest. You mean the janitor's closet? Ha! What's the matter, Edna? Lately you just say, "Ha!" to everything. I want a baby now!

But you gotta support the team, Dad. They're already threatening to move to Moose jaw. That's right. Like my mother always said, you've gotta stick it out, even if you picked a loser. Hmm. To the bitter end. First pitch of the game. That's a rotator cuff.

Oh, won't ya come with me And take my hand Wait a minute. This sounds like rock and/or roll. And walk this land

Mr. Springfield, how can I hope to achieve such greatness? A noble spirit "embiggens" the smallest man.

Enter symptoms now. - Let's see. Crusty sores. - Yes. Horrible wailing. Yes! Yes! Any exposure to unsanitary conditions? Duh! We're pigs!

and spend all day on the phone with their equally vacuous friends... talking about how damn terrific it is to look pretty and have a rich husband!

Now it's time to do some coke off the blade of a knife. That ad makes me look like a criminal! Then why did you appear in it? That wasn't me! Maybe she was you and you're not! How many kids do we have? Three. Wrong, lady! Oh, wait. The baby. MARGE: I try my best.

I'm not not licking toads. Well, it's time to get to work. Humanitarian Homer Simpson, over and out.

Rudy, my man, you're a miracle worker.

till you've heard him through five speakers. Aw, phoo. Tramp. B-6. You sunk my Scrabbleship. This game makes no sense. Tell that to the good men who just lost their lives.

This is Dick Clark, rockin' down to the year 2000. And that was Whitesnake. We're not Whitesnake, dude. We're Poison. I thought we were Quiet Riot. It says here we're Ratt. Oh, right. Sorry.

I mean, what the hell am I doing here?

It was years ago when I was 10, back in the '60s or '50s. Or maybe it was the early '70s. Underprivileged? You pretended we were poor just to get me into camp? Uh, yeah, pretended.

Uh, toys? (SIGHS) I thought I'd never have to do this, but it's time to tell you the facts of life. Do you know what a boob is? Oh, yeah. Good. That'll save us some time. Okay. Why do you think your mother and I sleep in the same bed?

I will hire a collection agency. Which one? Tri-City, Omni-Pay, Insta-Threat? I've beaten 'em all! The pig says "oink." The chicken... HENRY: Look, stop right there.

See all that stuff in there, Homer?

I feel like chicken tonight Like chicken tonight Like chicken tonight

(LAUGHING) Where are your clothes for the gentleman who is big and fat? The basement, sir. Woo-hoo! Homer, before you get anywhere near the escalator, you've gotta tie those shoes.

Terrible at everything. A complete moron. But I'm not really free to talk right now.

J; That's piano! I said "pian-eel"

These Super Bowl commercials are weird. just about ready for the second quarter here in Miami. I tell you, Pat, that wild first quarter blew out my Telestrator. And now the fans are screaming for more. Let us out of here! Relax, Simpson. Relax. A little-known fact about jail cells...

No! Oh, no. I just made my last payment.

Prior to ingestion, the pill must be reduced by my amazing new shrink ray. (SCOFFS) Shrink ray? Oh, there's always something else to buy.

And the Emmy goes to... I don't believe this... Sideshow Bob. This is one more Emmy than you'll ever win... you bantering jack-in-the-box! just don't drop it in the shower. No-talent, shill! Second banana!

But we were a team, sir. Oh, I'm afraid I've had one of my trademark changes of heart. You see, teamwork will only take you so far. Then the truly evolved person makes that extra grab for personal glory. Now I must discard my teammates, much like the boxer must shed roll after roll... of sweaty, useless, disgusting flab before he can win the title.

I opened for the Who at Woodstock. I came out in a Beatle wig with a ukulele. Hendrix said he almost plotzed. His exact words. Oh, I never tire of that story. Smithers, why did you iron a crease in these dungarees? I look like a square.

Huh? Ladies and gentlemen, meet America's new Fallout Boy! Out of the way. Milhouse, baby! Lionel Hutz, your new agent, bodyguard, unauthorized biographer and drug dealer-- uh, keeper-awayer.

Yes! I am just four power wands away from an antigravity lozenge. Hope I don't run into that weird little troll. Hi, Lisa. No! Pause! Pause! I brought your homework. We have to read this. "The Wind in the Willows"? It's about a toad and a badger and a mole.

Ho ho ho. Ho ho ho. - Oh ! - Oh, neato ! It's too bright.

I'm defending a country where people can think, act and worship any way they want. - Can not. Can not. - Can too. Can too. Please, please, kids. Stop fighting.

Boobs! Smithers, do you know Bill from Accounting? - That's his daughter. - Hmm. Let me show you why you and all protesters are wrong. All right.

Well, I gotta do something before the Viagra kicks in. I know. I'll suck my teeth. Whoa! Here we go!

Oy. What are you doing here? Our planet has been observing your puny species... since your planet was created... 5,000 years ago by God. In the name of the Father and the Son and the Holy Ghost.

You mean, like we just did ? Will somebody help her ? Look, Maggie. Birdies.

where local pinhead, Homer Simpson, is on the verge of a perfect game! Hey, there was no accident at the plant. Dad just wanted to go bowling. He shouldn't have deceived me, but I'm just so relieved Lenny's okay. This could be the greatest individual achievement in the history of Springfield.

just eating and screaming and grabbing and poking and pulling and drooling. And two have cradle rash. How do you get cradle rash when you sleep in a suitcase? They can be a handful... of joy. - Shut up! - They'll fill your lives with-- - just shut up! - Can't put a price on a miracle. I can't believe you don't shut up.

I had one in his honor. I went to a strip club. Well, here goes nothing. Mum, Dad, meet Homer Simpson. How do you do? Hey, how are you? Nice to meet you.

I love you, son ! Yeah, yeah. Gee, the old guy's a little love-starved. Get moving, you hunk of junk ! I gotta make up for lost time.

It would be the world's funniest marsupial.

Agh! It's terrible.

Son! I'm sorry, Dad. The way I behaved was shameful. I guess fear made me run away. But love made me come back. Bless you, Son. I knew you'd come through for me. Now, Homer, this may sting just a tiny bit, but--

we're going to ban such barbaric sports as bullfighting and cockfighting. Also, boxing, both kick and the kind with the gloves. Good! And hockey, football, push-ups... and anything in general where you have to take off your shirt, which is embarrassing. I don't remember discussing that.

Let me tell you somethin', boy. If you don't stand up for yourself, bullies are gonna be pickin' on you for the rest of your life.

like Ariaga, Ariaga ii, Bariaga, Aruglia, and Pizzoza! Oh, I never heard of those people. And they'll all be signing autographs! Whoo-hoo!

Do you feel smarter? Is the capital of North Dakota Bismarck? It is. I don't believe it. Say something else smart. Dr. Joyce Brothers may be well-known, but her psychological credentials are highly suspect. It's true!

Hey, Homer. You promised Mom you wouldn't wear your dress outside. Nuts to that. I'm goin' to the movies. Shouldn't you be working? I got someone to cover for me.

We tried to stop the kid, but he wouldn't quit. He went crazy. Prostitution, loan sharking, numbers-- The kid liked to wet his beak in everything.

Well, it's... In my case... Hmm. Oh, God, I've lost the love of my life. (SIGHING) Bart's right, I am a wiener. (SOBBING) Geez, Homer, this guy's bringing the whole bar down.

"Down with"-- "homework"?

I'm all for rescuing the kids, but I wish you hadn't sawed off my roof. My car, your roof. It's only fair. - B-- But it's my car. - Well, yeah.

It wasn't supposed to be this way. It was supposed to be a thing of beauty, not this abomination.

I've already gone this far. I wonder what my life would be like if I robbed the Kwik-E-Mart.

Okay. I got two of every animal, but only males. I dont want any hanky-panky. Hey, hey, hey! Cut that out! C) wet and wonderful God... your flood has driven us to the roof of your church.

I realized I could make money selling my medication to deadheads. Grampa, what are you talking about? Oh, nothing. As I was saying, things couldn't be worse for Lisa or Bart. "And the ugly duckling was amazed to realize it had grown into a beautiful swan."

Hmm? Uhh! What the-- Eww! D'oh! Soup's on, fat boy! Ooh! Ow! Hey! No! No! Help! No! Ow! No! Yo, Andy, no! Homer! Homer!

Son, I know it hurts. I still remember my first lifetime banning. Hey, where's my melon?

Mom, he's doing it again! Bart, quit it. Quit it! Hey, quit it, quit it, quit it. Mom!! Get... out!

Wait a minute. I don't have to give blood. I have rights, you know. Yeah, you have the right to remain silent. Bart, you have to help someone in need. - It's the only decent thing to do. - Doh ! Bart, it's not like I'm asking you to give blood for free. That would be crazy !

It encapsulates America and makes history come alive! What? And Marmaduke doesn't?

Oh, that's wonderful! Mmm! HmM. Dr. Nick Riviera, remember me? Well if it isn't my old friend Mr. McGreg, with a leg for an arm and an arm for a leg.

Yeah, sure, and they told me I'd get a big parade when I got back from 'Nam. Instead, they spat on me. I can still feel it searing. So, let's just see what the permanent record has to say.

Well, I was sure you'd be on foot... because you always say public transportation is for losers. And I was sure you'd head west because Springfield slopes down that way. And then I saw the lighthouse, and I remembered how you love blinking lights, like the one on the waffle iron.

Hello! Hello! Hello! You'd think all the noises would be annoying, but they're not. I got suspended from school today. No kiddin'? What do you think of my page, Lisa? Be honest. It's great, isn't it? Go ahead and say it's great if you want to.

Okay, honey. Remember where we're parked. - May I have some more lima beans, please? - Certainly. - More than that. - Certainly.

"Thriller"? What was that? - "Thriller." - No. How about this? Billy jean is not my lover She's just a girl who says that I am the one But the kid is not my son Hee-hee-hee. Wow! How do your feet do that?

Eh, you silk-wearing buttercup! All right! Three whole months of SpaghettiOs and daytime Tv! So, Bart, will you be joining me in the bucolic splendor of Kamp Krusty? You bet. Check out this hand. All aces.

Oh! Lights out, losers! Yeah, we're meetin' some tail on the other side of the lake.

Are you still talking about the Earth? You're right. I gotta let it go. All that counts is we're alive and rubbing elbows with the greats. Ooh! There's Ross Perot. Dr. Laura. Spike Lee. Wait a minute. They're not so great. Okay. But there's Dan Quayle and Courtney Love.

Oh, these Renaissance fairs are so boring! Oh, really? Did you see the loom? I took loom in high school. Meh.

Oh, gosh. You know, I'm not much on speeches, but it's so gratifying... to leave you wallowing in the mess you've made. You're screwed. Thank you. Bye.

It's all Christianity, people. The little stupid differences are nothing next to the big stupid similarities! He's right! Can't we all get together and concentrate on our real enemies? Monogamous gays and stem cells? Well said, mate. Put 'er there. (CHUCKLES) My pleasure.

But they just can't get enough of me. Can Mr. Simpson watch us every day? Oh, Roddy, he's not running a day care center. Don't tell me what I'm not doing. So you are running a day care center? Oh, you'd like that, wouldn't you? Oh, I sure would. It would give the boys a place to go after school.

No. Don't worry. She'll be cracking rocks by the end of the week. You glorified night watchman let her go! But she broke the law. Thanks for the civics lesson. If Marge Simpson goes to jail I can kiss the chick vote good-bye and if I go down, you're breaking my fall!

Eggs? That bird I killed was their mother. I don't want her babies to die too. Ohh-- Oh, honey. Oh, come here. Oh, my goodness! Look!

Big shoes to fill--

Dead Poets Society has destroyed a generation of educators. And so President Kennedy says to Khrushchev, "Well, enough jawin'. Reach for it, pilgrim." And the missiles are, like, "Oh, praise Jesus! Can I hear an amen?" Hey, Macarena!

That's wonderful is what I feel when we're together Brighter than a lucky penny when you're near The rain clouds disappear dear and I feel so fine

Stupid family. Hey, Simpson. Look what I swiped from Try-N-Save.

We've gotta get to the hospital, Homer! Okay. If the doctor asks why you cut it off, you caught me in bed with four beautiful women. Let's just say that Bart did it.

for a last beer with your buddies ?

(LAUGHING) Everything's coming up Homer. Yeah? Well, the joke's on you, smart guy. The garage made it to heaven, too. Hmm. I wonder if I could blow up heaven?

That's it! Architect Frank Gehry! He could build us a concert hall like he did in Los Angeles. Well, we could use a new HQ for the Springfield Philharmonic. They're playing Gustav Mahler in abject squalor. (MUSIC PLAYING) Little help? (SCOFFS) Next time we're keeping it.

Homer, think carefully. Of all the people you have known... who might have reason to do you ill? Hmm. Well, there's Mr. Burns, Fat Tony... the emperor of Japan, ex-President Bush- The late Frank Grimes. PBS, Stephen Hawking, the fat little Dixie Chick.

Hey, man, watch it. Ooh ! Oh ! Ow ! Oh ! Hey, man. It's me, Bart Simpson.

Come on, Lise. There's gotta be a way to lure that badger out. Well, according to WhatBadgersEat.com, "Badgers subsist primarily on a diet of stoats, voles and marmots." Hmm, stoats. Stoats. Stoats are weasels, Bart. They don't come in cans. Then what's this?

It's A desperate criminal on the run from the law please spare my children and their damp-trousered pa A singing family

Well, this award has to go to somebody. Would everyone who is 60 or older please stand up? Over 80. Ninety. One hundred years old? Homer, sit down! What's that, sonny?

Book 'em, Lou. One count of being a bear. And one count of being an accessory to being a bear.

Nuts to this. I'll just go get Homer Simpson. I think Smithers picked me because of my motivational skills. Everyone always says they have to work a lot harder when I'm around. You know, Dad, assisting Mr. Burns could give your career a real shot in the arm. You know, Homer, assisting Mr. Burns could give your career a real shot in the arm.

"Frightfully sorry, but there is no hidden treasure. "I have already used this time to escape from your jail. Fondest wishes--" Oh, I can't make out the signature!

Good morning, sir. To make up for my failure last night, I've alphabetized your breakfast. You can start with the waffles and work your way up to the zwieback.

so I'm afraid we're stuck here for the duration. Aww! But it's my kid's birthday. I'm doing a puzzle with Grandmama, and she'll finish without me. Yes, yes, yes. We all had plans. Except for me, ironically. I'm right where I want to be. I can cut a trail through the snow. I'm part Eskimo. I don't care if you're Kristi Yamaguchi. No one leaves the building.

Isn't it just? It gets better.

Yeah, well, I hope the irony's not lost on you, Simpson.

That old goat can't fire me. I'm gonna give him a piece of my-- Aw, nuts! Well, Simpson, I must say,

Here, Puff! Here, Puff!

Flanders! Stop that! Eyes bigger than your stomach, eh, wolfie?

Is that Duncan? Not anymore. Ladies, say hello to-- Furious D? He's the bad boy of racing. He's got attitude and "baditude," so show him some latitude, and you'll win his gratitude. Only in America!

Whoa. I found something. Come on. Pull it out. It's just a piece of paper. It's mine! "Frightfully sorry, but there is no hidden treasure. "I have already used this time to escape from your jail.

Bingo! Sanctuary! Sanctuary! Oh, why did I teach him that word? Quick. You gotta hide me from PBS.

Hey, Dad, it says they need your full name.

Hmm. How could anyone make a word out of these lousy letters ? Oh, wait. Here's a good one. "Do." "Id." Triple word score. Hey, no abbreviations. Not I.D., Dad. "Id." It's a word. - As in, "This game is stup-id." - Hey, shut up, boy.

Scully, you're cut.

Gentlemen, my prison is losing money.

I think you're taking unfair advantage of my generous offer. Shut up!

Ooh! Ow! Ow! Ow! At least there were no big ones. Ay. How could you have seen all this, Bart? Weren't you supposed to be in school? I... sorta skipped school. I knew it! I knew you'd slip up sooner or later, Simpson!

Ron Howard's attached to direct. I am not. Well, he expressed an interest. - No, I didn't. - Did too. - I did not. - You lie!

We'll also provide you with a prescription bong. Do you want the wizard or the skull?

Ew. Would you mind lacing 'em up, kid? I have a bad back. Hey, if you didn't want to tie shoes, you shouldn't have become a shoe salesman. That's where you're wrong, pal. It's not enough to want a cracker.

He's gay. He's gay. Gay. Gay. Bi. Gay. Gay for pay. Gay.

But does your wife? Ohh! I knew my kind wasn't welcome here.

He'll tell you that in nature one creature invariably eats another to survive. Don't kid yourself, jimmy. If a cow ever got the chance, he'd eat you and everyone you care about.

Bart, remember when l was crying at recess? I think I'm finally ready to tell you why. Let's see whets on TV. f Man On TV] i stick my neck out for no one, Frankenstein- no one! w'w' f "Batman ff Theme f Oh, cool! The old Batman show!

I can't wait to lay my eggs in his brain. No son of mine will be marched down the aisle at the barrel of a ray gun! - Let's go! - (DOOR SLAMS) So why'd they send you to juvie? - Shoplift a scrunchie? - Get bent. I pushed Snow White over the parapet at Disneyland.

Dad, if you'll recall, I never believed in you, not for one second. Aw! That's my girl. Oh. Hey, Nostra-dumbass, did the Rapture come? I can't recall.

Now we're up in the big leagues Gettin' our turn at bat As long as we live, it's you and me, baby There ain't nothin' wrong with that Well, we're movin on up Movin' on up To the east side Movin' on up To a deluxe apartment in the sky

and along comes sexy Mrs. Dash. Homie, it's 11:00 at night. Have you told him yet? A girl in the bar! What do we do? Watch and learn, ya dinks. Ma'am. Is there something you want to tell me?

Why, no. And does it ever say "I love you"? No, it doesn't. Nobody loves you Nobody loves you You're old and you're ugly Way to go, Homer! Good heavens, Smithers. They're not afraid of me anymore. Hey, Mr. Burns, did you get that letter I sent?

I gave Herb all my money and he still treats me like something he dug out of his ear. He can't stay mad at you forever. He is your brother. When is he going to act like it?

All righty. Writhing Funzos in my sack Makes me happy Makes me hurt my back just dump 'em in the fire, Dad. Yes. The madness ends here. Oh! If I had a nickel for every time I've heard that.

Lisa, you took out a restraining order against your own brother? Yes. The clerk also gave me this bench warrant for Dad's arrest. Aw, damn it. Chief, how are we supposed to live with our kids constantly separated? Hey, I don't make the laws, I just something with them.

Oh, great. Dad's dead. Have you been eating that sandwich again? Sandwich. Geez, we hardly made a dent in that 10-foot hoagie.

I'm a little teapot short and stout Here is my handle Here is my spout Uh, let me see. I'll make him an offer he can't refuse. And that's the truth.

All right, we're breaking early tonight, class. For tomorrow, you should read pages seven through 18 in Lisa's diary.

Not so fast, Apu! Homer. What a delightful coincidence. We're puttin' an end to your insane Valentine's rampage. Never again will good, lazy men have to-- What the-- Oh, no, you don't!

Boy, everybody loves my show. It's great, Dad. You have tremendous power. And now it's time to put it to use. Yes, you're right. Duck, Mister Lincoln!

I want you to stay here forever. Homer, it's perfect. Doesn't this armoire belong to Mr. Flanders? You stole this entire room from Ned Flanders' house! Oh, well, you snooze, you lose. But could I have my photo albums back?

Scorpio, you're totally mad. I wouldn't point fingers, you jerk. So, do you expect me to talk? I don't expect anything from you except to die and be a very cheap funeral. You're gonna die now.

Wake up, everyone. We're almost there.

Homie, you ready to call it quits? Well, but-- Wait a minute. Bart's not fixed yet. He hasn't even-- Homer. Oh-- Come on. Don't take it so hard, Homer.

The Itchy & Scratchy Show

Ow! Ohh! Uhh! Aah! Ohh! Uhh!

- and you can take two Popsicles out of the freezer. - Three. - Two. - Okay, two, and I get to keep this old birdcage. - Done. - Still got it. Oh, I've heard a lot about Shot Kickers.

Marge? Sorry. Marge? Oh. Sorry. Marge? Vote Quimby. - Sorry. - Down here, Homer!

I know I stand in line until I think you have the time to spend an evening with me and if we go someplace to dance I know that there'S A chance

Hey, hey, hey. Cut it out. - What's that, Chief? - Cut it out.

The usual, Moe-- a beer... and a wad of bills! Okay... you lucky moron. Here you go, Homer, $135. I used to hate the smell of your sweaty feet.

Or we will destroy all your leaders in Washington.

So I'm the president's no-good brother. Moochie-moochie. Lisa's the president? I'm a pathetic loser? I gotta be honest. I'm not loving this vision.

Ohh! I hate these flood pants. Hey, they're working! My feet are soaked, but my cuffs are bone-dry! Everything's comin' up Milhouse!

Bart, no! Cool, man!

Now this is a joseph Turner. In an era when everyone else painted portraits, he broke away by painting the Venetian canals. It's glorious! The streets are paved with water! You could ride a walrus to work!

You've betrayed me for the last time. Horseplay on a school bus? Has the world gone mad? (BRAKES SCREECHING) Your stop! Ahhh!

I'm here live in Korea... to give you a firsthand look at how American cartoons are made. But first, let's take a look back at the year 1928, a year when you might have seen Al Capone... dancing the Charleston on top of a flagpole. Yaah!

A good rule of thumb is two years' salary, sir. Try this. I can't afford that. I'm an educator. - Seymour. - I'll take it. Homer, my sister is not going out with Barney Gumbel !

(GROANS IN DISGUST) Knock-kneed home renters. Can't we thin this herd with some smallpox-infected blankets? We're already immune, you jerk! Gee, I never noticed that before. He's got a tree in his eye. If that tree gets too big, it'll ruin the beauty of that rock!

Bart, I hate to say this, but I think I outgrew you. When? Just this minute. Mmm.

There is no silver tongue, is there, Bonesy? Oh, I wish, Chief. With that kind of dough, I could buy me some eyeballs. Well, that's the spirit, Bonesy.

(LAUGHING) Oh, Bart, I'm sure it's hard to lose your best friend. You mean Milhouse? Funny little guy. Afraid of the dark and the light.

to witness a family member stupidly risking his life for no good reason. But, Dad, you'll never make it. Don't you think I know that ? Good-bye, son. Wait, Dad ! Don't do it ! I won't jump anymore. I promise.

I gave your necklace to my cheap girlfriend. I just throw it in a drawer at night. No! tll tangle!

Our next movie is McBain, another shoot-'em-up, push-'em-through- the-plate-glass-window splatter fest... from the Hollywood cookie cutter. Here's a typically brainless scene.

Daddy ! Daddy ! We're so glad to see you ! Oh, Dad, you're finally home ! What ? Why ? Oh, yeah. Hello, Patty. Hello, Selma. - How was your trip ? - Fine. You both look well. Thank you. - Yeah, well, Merry Christmas. - It's Christmas ?

Mmm. Marshmallow.

Whoo! Sayonara, suckers.

Pepe, go for the face! Help! Aah!

Hello. It's about time somebody reach out to me. Gee, I got to call my family. This is embarrassing calling from a nuthouse. They think I'm a god. I could call for you. Oh, great.

Hi. 'Sup? Who's that? I don't know. Some kid. Hey! I like your hat. A compliment! Scanning for sarcasm. It's clean. Go! Thanks. Um, you guys skate?

Mr. President, your welfare proposal... is nothing but a lot of technical jargon and partisan rhetoric and-- Get off me, Mr. President! That's what you get for not hailing to the chimp.

Hello, Mother? Maggie? Seymour, you were supposed to call me three minutes ago. Ooh!

I know. The lighting cues were a mess. Don't worry. The guy's been fired. Our babies are not circus freaks! We're taking them home now. - Hold on, Alpo. We got a contract. - Not anymore. Laminated. You monster! Terrence, Christopher, will you show these two to the exit?

Mmm, delicious !

Those crazy noises are computer signals. Some guys at M.I.T. are sending us reasons why Captain Picard is better than Captain Kirk.

Poor Homer. This world was never meant for one as beautiful as you.

and now I'm going to get killed for it. Any last words, Simpson?

Hey ! What ? What ? Oh, my. Where are we supposed to get a sitter on such short notice ? Oh, dear. If we can't find a baby-sitter, we can't go. What a kick in the teeth. What do you need a baby-sitter for ? I'm almost ten and a half. Mom, you wouldn't dare. Don't take that tone with me, young lady, or I'll give you a taste of the back of me hand. No, you don't.

Forgive me. I'm just so envious of the happiness you all have. Can I please be part of it? Just till I get back on my feet? No way! He's an annoying sneak who's out to steal my wife! Come on, Dad. With his brains and your musky smell, I've got a full male role model. And it would be nice to have someone here I can beat up.

Huh? Huh? Mmm! Free goo.

You're ruining the earth! True, but I "gots" to get paid. Money was funny, Sister. Oh, Betty.

Well, this is about the flashiest car I've ever impounded. Thanks. Whew! It took a lot of grifting. Ooh! Please, F.B.I. man, don't throw us in jail. We just made one mistake. Yeah. We're not criminals. We're just two crazy, mixed-up kids.

Soup's on, fat boy! Ooh! Ow! Hey! No! No! Help! No! Ow! No! Yo, Andy, no! Homer! Homer! Marge! Oh, why does art hate me? I never did anything to art.

He might even be your new daddy. "Police informant tape"? These are never supposed to leave the station. I really hate to be a snitch. Don't worry.

Get out of the way. I will always love you I Will always love you

He was so young. Oh, so sad. Oh. Whoo.

Then kiss my curvy butt good-bye.

playin' in A Rockin' band

But something awful happened when I went to the store. Well, that explains a lot. Who's hungry? No. I want to hear what happened at the store. Well, I went in to buy cigarettes. Can you gift wrap them, please? They're for my son. I also bought myself a candy bar. Which unfortunately was filled with peanuts, to which I am allergic.

Hocus-pocus. Mucous "pukeous." My powers of deduction tell me... you're getting a handmade sweater, possibly yellow. Mom, make him stop!

- Your membership card please, Homer. - Oh! I'll also need to remove your tattoo. I didn't get one yet. Rats. Now, since you're no longer a member, please go outside until the meeting is over.

Hmm. April Foo-- That sounded like an explosion at the old Simpson place. Forget it. That's two blocks away. Looks like there's beer coming out of the chimney.

There's Santa! Over here, Santa! What did I do? Ah, the doctor said I could take this patch off five minutes a day. Hey, that's just enough time to see Santy Claus. Oh! Why, Santa? Why?

together! I can't see, you idiot! Take your hands off my eyes!

You know, Dad, there's a lesson in all this. Many cities have problems with garbage disposal, and it's time you realize you can't-- Wait! Shut up! I just thought of something.

We've gotta roll this truckin' convoy to see the newborn king Convoy 10-4, King of the Jews Gorgeous, huh? And quite the bargain.

He's quite a man I tried to kiss him But Homer ran Sure wish I could say

- And what was your name? - Poor Violet.

You fool! ts "E-N-C-EH Oh, my God! You’re right! I spelled it wrong. I tried my best, and I failed. And now you lose everything. And I go back to whatever it is I do.

His liver looks healthy. Mmm-hmm. That a wad of Laffy Taffy. Oh!

Wait a minute, Scully. What's the point of this test? No point. I just thought he could stand to lose a little weight. His jiggling is almost hypnotic. Yes. It's like a lava lamp.

Well, he can't break my heart, 'cause he kind of makes me sick. This could work.

Is it? Oh, that's it. Dagmar, Julian.

All right. Climb in. There's nothing to worry about. Now everyone, go to sleep. Good night. Di-da.

Hey, what are you laughin' at? What? Oh. Oh, I get it. I get it. It's my big ears, isn't it, kids? Isn't it?

You're a writer, all right. Here you go, Simpson. I want another one! You're a funny guy. How would you like a staff job? I'll start you at $800 a week. My chest hurts. All right, leeches, I want you to see what a good writer looks like. His name is Abraham Simpson,

Or out. Dad? You are so dead. No!

Ah, there's a $1,000 "leaving town" tax. I hope you're all satisfied. You bankrupted a bunch of naive movie folks. Folks from a Hollywood where values are different.

Homie, please, don't go. Hey, this old girl's as sure-footed as a mountain goat.

Okay, here it comes. Keep your eyes on the chair.

consists mainly of prisoners who club me with books. These are from the new Tom Clancy. Although it's less painful than reading him. Am I right, folks? Motion granted. Release the prisoner.

Great. Then we're all cool. (SOBBING) Since he's been back, Milhouse has had three bloody noses and stepped in dog doo.

Oh! Oh, yeah. Well, Bart, any last requests?

I like school. Why don't you live in it then? I would if I could. Not me, sister. When I grow up, I wanna be a lardo on workmen's comp, just like Dad. I wash myself with a rag on a stick.

Then, Lisa Simpson. And finally, Maggie. Eh! Nobody told us how tough it is to raise kids. They almost drove me to fortified wine.

Can't we shut down that infernal transmitter? Can't we just blow it up? You go ahead, girlfriend! They're the worst! Yeah! Say it again, girl! Settle down, people. As we speak, Chief Wiggum is tracking down those little squealers... using the latest in crime-fighting technology.

Singles Seniors Childless Couples and Teens and Gays against Parasitic Parents.

- Here ? - Yep, this is it. What's the password ? Let me in, you idiot ! Yeah, right you are. So, Herman, has the large-type edition...

I'm Bart Simpson. Who the hell are you ? I'm jolly Old St. Nick. Oh, yeah ? We'll just see about that. D'oh !

So, if we were in school this week, what do you think we'd be learning?

Homer, we have a perfectly good bookcase. Yeah, but this is what they're doing on campus. Besides, it isn't costing us. I swiped the cinder blocks from a construction site. Sir, six cinder blocks are missing. There'll be no hospital then. I'll tell the children.

and imprisoned us in his floating Aquaworld. jiminy jillickers! There, now, there's no need for profanity, Fallout Boy. Everyone in town has been gouging us silly, but it's worth it. - It's all up there on the screen. - Yes. That Milhouse is going to be big! Gabby Hayes big!

I don't know, Bart. Something tells me Willie's still out there, and that he could come back... any time, in any form, and kill us in ways we can't even imagine! Boo!

Now, we don't usually do this, but we have some witnesses. Come in, Arthur. Now, where did Bart stick the fireworks?

Excuse me. Bart's a little upset this morning, so could everyone please be extra-nice to him?

A world without Krusty. What would that be like? What's on TV? Nutsy the Clown. Oh, boy! Oh, boy! Oh, boy! Well, I think it's good for a show to go off the air before it becomes stale and repetitive. Maggie shot Mr. Burns again!

except for the Popsicle stick skyscraper... and the 50-foot magnifying glass... and that escalator to nowhere. Whoa!

And when he sees you treating women as objects, he's going to think that it's okay. You owe your son better than that, Homer. So what should I do, Marge ? Well, I think you should take Bart... to meet this exotic belly-person.

Ahh. That sweet Carolina smoke. But they can't prohibit us from holding a beauty pageant... for little girls age seven to nine. Lisa's age seven to nine! Your daughter could be crowned Little Miss Springfield by our host, the maitre d' of glee, Krusty the Clown!

Give them the plant, Homer! No. I'd rather die! Aah! Take it!

Oh ! I got you. Ooh. Don't try that. I got you blocked. And the crowd is on its feet as Hurricane Homer moves in for the kill ! Boys, I'd like your attention, please. Quiet, Marge ! This is my big moment ! Bart "The Bloody Pulp" Simpson is on the ropes. He is hoping I'll put him out of his misery ! Well, you're in luck, Bart ! Here comes my right !

Oh, don't worry. You'll pick it up fast. Once you get to foursies, you're in the zone. Uh-huh. Isn't that trophy case supposed to have trophies? Uh, they were all wiped out in the big trophy fire. Ah! I see the trophies are still out for cleaning, eh, Lisa?

Wow! Look at all these toilets. And just inches from your bed. Talk about luxury. There's the key!

My dad's all stoked 'cause today's the Fourth of july.

Oh. Well, that was unexpected. What's going on? Where's the mayor? He skipped town. Really? So, who's in charge? Well, that's a good question. Let's, uh, take a quick look at the town charter.

I will come with you.

I see the light. It burns. Hallelujah! Behold. This child has the power.

Come here ! Ohh ! You Are so beautiful To me You are so beautiful To me Can't you see oh !

Huh? Ooh. Whoo-hoo! Two dollars! It's working! I don't feel any happier. How about you? Mmm, a little.

it's a shock when you eat vegetables full of vitamins, minerals, and trace amounts of bug feces. Uh... Hmm. I think it's staying down. It's staying down! It's not staying down! Wait, yeah. It's staying down!

My name is Otto. I love to get blotto. My name is Hans.

What about the Emmys? I stand corrected. And now, to present the award here's former heavyweight champion Smokin' joe Frazier. Webster's Dictionary defines excellence as "the quality or condition of being excellent."

The itchy and scraTchy show Bart! Our cartoon's on TV! All right! Turn up the volume! Erosion is a slow but steady process.

Huh. Look at all these avalanches. You think they could've buried the cabin? Well, I'll tell you one thing. They didn't come here... for the Mountain Music Festival, March 14-18.

The sheer contempt demonstrated by this incident... makes me wish I could pull the dusty board of education out of retirement. Call your father immediately.

Oh, no! We left Grampa back at the gas station. What about Grampa?

Adios! So long! Fare thee well! Arr! Bon voyage! Toodle-oo!

I bet the eight ball didn't see that one coming. Yeah. Marge... where's that... metal dealie... you use to...

Here's your hot chocolate. You didn't put my marshmallow in. I think you're old enough to do it yourself now. Okay. I can handle that.

Now look what you've done. All right, all right. You guys have had way too much booze. Last call. Come on, come on. Gimme an excuse.

Oh, man. Another clock accident. No wonder. Look at this.

Remember, you have to respect him. - He's a war hero. - Ha-ha!

Oh. Sorry. Marge? Vote Quimby.

"I left a few helpful notes around the house." Ah, Come-- Gee! "Put food in me." I'll take that.

No. Seymour! The house is on fire! No, Mother. It's just the northern lights.

with Springfield's favorite hard-luck family, the Simpsons. Folks, any words for the Christmas thief, if he's watching? Eh, yes, Kent. Uh, hello, jerk. We may never find you and we should probably all stop looking.

Dad, start digging some nerd holes. It's bad enough they put their retainers in the dishwasher. Can't we do something? Look, I'm sure we can work something out where we can all live in harmony. Right, Marge? No, I want those geeks out of my house.

No! Maybe you should just learn to use this. If there's a war, just blow on it and I'll come help you.

- Oh, well, if you put it that way. - Oh, well. Talking doll, take eight. "When I get married, I'm keeping my own name." Uh, you know, that should probably be, "if I choose to get married." Look, little girl. We got other talking dollies to record today.

There's a box you can sleep in. Thanks. - just move that cot outta the way. - Okay. Do you know what radon is? No. Good night.

Say, business stinks tonight. Where's Barney, Lenny and Carl? They never come around anymore now that they got their mistresses.

Take five, Mrs. Feesh. Wait. Wait. I can do this. Wait. Wait. Hold on.

Now in the spirit of the season, start shopping!

No way. Our current speed limit is an anachronism. - "Ignoramus." - The fatuity-- Will you shut up ? - Wait a minute. That word you keep calling me-- - Ignoramus ? Ignoramus ! It means I'm stupid, doesn't it ? There is a difference between ignorance and stupidity. Not to me there isn't,

Lisa is a dork. Lisa is a dork. Dad, make him stop! Well, according to this, he's tellin' the truth. Hurry up, boys. We've gotta get these toy poodles to the pet shop.

Yeah, they swore they'd get us back by spiking our water supply. But they didn't have the guts.

That's very flattering, but we should go. Several bees are stinging me.

Well, then, let's move on to new business. Have you taken care of McBain ? You don't have to worry, Senator Mendoza. By now our dear friend McBain has met with a, shall we say, unfortunate accident ? Excellent.

Oop. No time for that now. The computer's starting.

Howdy-- Shoot! Greetings, friend-- That is it, Ned. If you don't unplug that phone right now, you're sleeping on the lawn. Will you two shut up? People are trying to sleep!

My dad's all stoked 'cause today's the Fourth of july. He woke me up at dawn to take a loyalty oath. Ugh. My mom's French, so we only celebrate Bastille Day. Well, we could do something fun. Um, how 'bout a beach party?

and that escalator to nowhere.

Dad, I am going on a talk show, I have to say something. Talk about boats. Then, when he asks you if you hate this country, you just start crying and pretend you don't. But I don't hate this country. There, there. Save your lies for the American public. I'm Nash Castor and it's time to butt heads!

Wait a minute. There's something bothering me about this place. I know! This lesbian bar doesn't have a fire exit!

possibly superintelligent vegetables man has ever known. You might want to crane your necks upward now to save time. Ta-da! All right now, don't panic. It's possible the giant vegetables are invisible.

Okay, Fudd me. All right. Ladies and gentlemen, he's all healed up and back for more. Let's give a big drunken welcome to Yodeling Zeke. Yodel-lay-hee yOdel-lay-hee odel-lay-hee

The Velvet Mafia made me a margarita I couldnt refuse.

I'm gonna meetcha, I'm gonna meetcha I'll meetcha Black-on-black violence must end. That was for Dr. King.

Did you really think you could fool it? No, sir. I'm really sorry, sir. An older boy told me to do it.

Furthermore, to this beer, I would also like three of your finest, cheapest cigars. Here's my I.D. which confirms my "adultivity." Hmm.

Well, when you choose one that's floating upside down, it somewhat defeats the purpose of selecting a live lobster. Oh, okay. Then I'll take that one there with the beady eyes. Excellent choice, sir. May I lead you to your table ? Oui, oui. After you.

Oh, you want me to climb that, huh? No problemo. This is 'cause I kicked you, isn't it?

I was just sa-- One moment, please! Who do they think I am, some stupid Aussie drongo? Bleedin' Yanks. I oughta-- - This is Bart Simpson. Can I help you, ma'am? - Hey! My name is Bruno Drundridge, right? You owe me $900, mate! No, you owe me $900!

Ohhh... Check out the saxophone. Pretty boss but something's stuck on it. Hey! Hey, look at me. I'm Elvis, man! Give that back! That to me!

If you're gonna get mad at me every time I do something stupid, then I guess I'll just have to stop doing stupid things.

Ned Flanders, the man with the chest. Ew! Now we'll just send this to the dating service,

Oh! Hello, Scratchy. The Big Bopper? Ritchie Valens? Buddy Holly? No!

A good time was had by all. I'm pooped. Yes. I should be-- Good Lord! What is happening in there? Aurora borealis. Uh-- Aurora borealis at this time of year... at this time of day in this part of the country... localized entirely within your kitchen?

Settle down, boys and girls, or Krusty will have to bring out his old friend Corporal Punishment again. Please, stop it ! Wha-- Who are you people ? What do we want ? Substantially less violence in children's programming ! When do we want it ? Now !

I am! I worked like a dog for this. Yeah! Me too. Oh, you're burning it all wrong, Seymour. It's my allowance, Mother, and I'll burn it the way I want. Take that, you greedy fat cats.

...The itchy and scratchy show! Huh? Hee-hee-hee!

We're going to the beauty parlor. You should do something with the kids while I'm gone. Oh, sure, great idea. I'd love to. D'oh! Did you hear that? - Yes. - How much? Everything. What's the quickest, easiest way to do something with you?

like chlorhexinol, and augment that with some phenolbutamine. Hmm, and maybe some cyclobenzanone? That's a great idea! No! You can't take my Focusyn. I need every brain cell blazing to outwit my invisible enemies. I know you love Focusyn, son, but in time, you'll get just as attached to these three amigos.

Well, Marge, should I whack slow or fast? Slow, then fast. - Uh-oh. - Dad, please. For the last time, I beg you. Don't lower yourself to the level of the mob.

- Come here. - What ? Come here ! Ohh ! You Are so beautiful To me You are so beautiful To me Can't you see oh !

Well, I think I can say with all humility, I am gonna be the best school president ever!

Our Father who art in heaven, hallowed be-- Lisa, this is neither the time nor the place. That was johnny Calhoun with... "Gonna Find Me a Genie With a Magic Bikini." Johnny's next record was a spoken word album of his right-wing political views. It killed his career. If you can tell me the name of that album, call our contest line now. I know that!

Wow! Hey! I don't want you reading those awful scandal sheets. Uh, I was just trying to find Dave Barry's column. He's great. He pokes fun at life's little foibles. Kids, I want to explain about the stadium. You see, sometimes moms and dads...

What? Nice try, God. But Homer Simpson doesn't give into temptation that easily. Hey! Stop that! Ahh!

And I'm not registered. I do appreciate your concern, really. But it is hopeless. The latest poll shows a "whooping" 85% support for Proposition 24. Hey, Apu, why don't you just marry some American broad, then dump her after you get your citizenship? Hello, Selma?

and only two of those members have special rings. Yeah! I meant our wedding rings. You know, Marge, you're right.

Thank you. To inaugurate our ramp system, here's the first of what I hope will be many disabled students, Bart Simpson. I'm proud of you, boy. What the-- Bart, where's your wheelchair? Don't need it anymore. Doctor says my butt bone's stronger than ever. Ta-da!

"Dear Randall Curtis, "your movie stunk smelly butt. I am fine. Sincerely..." I'll write the letter.

This proves Bart lied about being kidnapped. Not yet. Can we verify exactly what time Bart was at the show? (TAPE REWINDING) If only we had the exact date. (TAPE REWINDING) Bingo! Thank you, Mr. Alcatraaaz.

I'm taking Bart to the mall to buy camping supplies. Why don't you come along? Nah. I wanna enjoy this show before the network retools it. How can I organize this modeling agency... and still be a good single father? - I love you, Daddy. - AWW! Too late!

Dad, can we have $183,000? What for? Lisa and I want to finance a series of animated cartoons. Oh. Uh-- Forget it!

Hot! Hot! D'oh! Oh, my God! It's burning up! Beer! Beer! Give me some beer!

I don't understand. That wasn't funny. Wait a minute. Somebody's not laughing here.

We need to get rid of them! "Immigants." I knew it was them! Even when it was the bears, I knew it was them. Oh! Won't somebody please think of the children? In one week, the town will vote on a special referendum...

At least now I can get some rest.

A boozehound named Barney is pleading his case buy me A beer two bucks A glass

Even during Ramadan? Shut your Sass-hole, boy. These melons represent your protectees. Throughout this course, you will protect your personal melon as if it was paying your salary. What? Okay. Listen up. My goal is to assassinate that watermelon.

Marge, the kids are on. The monkey's on my part of the sofa. Honey, he's clearly marked his territory. We'll bring you more... on this chalk shortage as it continues. And now, Bart's been looking into that alleged ham salad... from yesterday's school lunch.

I must say, Luann, you're really handling this splendidly. From now on, forget everything you thought you knew about Luann Van Houten. Actually, Luann, I don't really know anything about you. Forget it! She's gone! Presto change-o!

I've wasted half my life, Marge. You know how many memories I have? Three! Standing in line for a movie, having a key made and sitting here talking to you. Thirty-eight years and that's all I have to show for it. You're 39.

Our robot can kick that robot's ass. Right, Dad? Dad? (SHUDDERS) Oh, no. My recurring nightmare is coming true. There are many people I'd like to thank for this award. My wife Anjelica Houston. This is for you, Angie. We did it! ROBOT: Speeches cannot be longer than 30 seconds.

Go back to bed, Mother. I've got it under control. Listen, you crumb-bums. If you think I'm impressed, I am not. I-- Oh, brandishing your buttocks is only getting me angrier.

I hate to sound like a screaming fan, but--

Aahh! Perhaps you're wondering why you have two heads. My body was crushed, so I had head grafted onto your, shall we say, ample frame. I can wake up. It's all a dream. It's just a dream. Oh, that's right. It's all a dream...

- Let's go again! Let's go again! - No! Come on, children! Let's go thwart my brother!

Boy, I'm like a mess here. I feel so lonely without that kid. You still got us, Moe. You guys mind if I kiss your tummies? - Oh, well, all right. - Yeah.

it takes at least six months to tear it apart. Right, naked Duffman?

Clockwise. Counterclockwise. Where's your father? Kidnapped. Oh, my God! Wh-What are we supposed to do? I don't know. Wait for the call. On top of. Beneath.

You may find his accent peculiar. Certain aspects of his culture may seem absurd, perhaps even offensive. But I urge you all to give little Adil the benefit of the doubt. In this way, and only in this way, can we hope to better understand our backward neighbors throughout the world.

Oh, I'm sorry, Kent. Just, when the camera gets on me, I-- Hey-Hey !

This job sure is easy. Now to press this button.

Fools! You poor, pathetic misguided creatures choking down Flaming Moes all the time wondering, "How does he do it?" Well, I'm going to tell you. Hee-hee-hee-hee-hee! The secret ingredient is... Homer, no! ...Cough syrup.

But doesn't the Bible also say "Thou shalt not take... moochers into thy... hut"? Please, Dad? If you let Otto stay he'll help around the house and chip in a few bucks. All right, he can stay but I get to treat him like garbage. Wow, what's the catch? The can of corn costs... 57¢!

but when you say it you mustn't fear 'cause his name can be said by anyone Ah! Max Power! How's every little thing?

He's right, you know. Daddy, are you sure it's okay for us to watch cartoons? Mm-hmm. This one's fine and dandy, Roddy. It's approved by a council of Presby-Lutheran ministers.

Yes. Not the pronoun, but rather a player... with the unlikely name of Who is on first.

Hey, when I was your age, 50 cents was a lot of money. - Really ? - Nah.

You call that a knife? This is a knife. That's not a knife. That's a spoon. All right, all right, you win. I see you've played "Knifey Spoony" before.

I hope you don't mind a little walking. Well, of course, I didn't want a racehorse in my living room. But you don't say no to Spring Byington, do you? No, you don't. Oh, you'll find this amusing-- - the suit Charlie Chaplin was buried in. - Eww!

Sean, you wanker... He says. Repent of your wicked ways or sod off. Then he gobbed in my face and turned back into a streetlight. And that's how I came to the Church. Well, I'm only here because I got blamed for a prank I didn't do! Mmm-hmm.

Cuts off my power, lowers my credit rating. Lisa, I think I can help you. You're not mad about Principal Skinrash? Are you kidding? I love it! I once had a principal like that! Now, come with me. What's that? This, young lady, is a mimeo machine.

Wantin' you Honey Ah, sugar, sugar You are my candy girl And you got me wantin' you

Homer! That's not why I'm here. My job is to show you how miserable life would be if you married Mindy instead of Marge. Ooh, I would live in a big mansion? I'm so happy, darling. I as well.

Ah, for the love of jeff. Ah! Oh. Am I really that ugly?

I'm great at these. Ask me if something smells funny in here, boy. Does something smell funny in here? I don't think so, stupid. Homie, you want pork chops? No, I want roast beef, you clod! Look at this. Special insert: "Iron-on madness.

You got it. Oh! Hey, hey. Oh, oh. Thanks, boy. I love you, Dad. I love you, son. Aaaaaaaaahhh!

No! Can't sleep. Gonna die. Can't sleep. Gonna die. We're back with legendary producer Robert Evans. Now before you did The Godfather, there was Love Story. Tell us about that.

Restraining order? Bull spit.

Ooh. Sorry, Bart. That's a Neddy no-no. You're not allowed to handle a pocketknife... till you read this booklet on knife safety and pass a test. Aw, who needs a cruddy knife anyway? Knives are boring. Whoa! When I say put your beer on a coaster, I mean it! You call that a knife?

Get bent. Now that we're all friends again, why don't we make a foursome ?

Huh? Give me 700 Krusty Burgers! You want fries with that? You did it, Dad! You saved us!

You know, Maggie, the sooner kids talk, the sooner they talk back.

All right. You're dismissed. I'll take it from here. But, Mr. Burns, you're exhausted. Yes, but I have a little secret. I've obtained a rare, powerful aphrodisiac. It was made from the pockets of the pocket fox,

Attention, passengers. Due to our policy of overselling flights, this flight has been oversold. In accordance with F.A.A. rules, the first two people to the front will be upgraded to first class.

Hey, loser, this planet's for space studs. Yeah, blast off.

Uh-huh. Good morning, Mr. Burns. Beautiful day to be outside, isn't it? Rant on, Simpson, but your vainglorious boasting... will only add savor to my inevitable triumph. Yes.

Yeah. We're heroes. But where's our parade?

Scissors which I need to, uh-- to... gussy up these curtains.

Hello, Homer. (GASPS) It's Ray! I see him again! Monster, you don't exist! - (GRUNTS) - (GROANS) Hey, no one calls me a monster and questions my existence!

That was Bobby Mcferrin's new one, "I'm Worried, Need Money."

Enjoy your gift. "Su-poib."

Zelda, I'm gonna make you forget about your grandchildren.

Homie, as long as you keep the car full of gas, I'm happy. Well, you can always depend on that. And since I'd achieved...

Ooh, that's a dilly. How about it, Marge? Uh-- Oh, my-diddley-eye! Will you look at this place!

Good God! Who's the safety inspector there? Uh, Homer Simpson, sir. Simpson, eh?

My chunky brothers, gorge yourselves at the trough of freedom! Ahh! Sweet, nourishing gruel!

I feel that you should shut up. You know, you really irritate me, Skinner. What with your store-bought haircut and excellent posture. - Mister, I can't stand the sound of your voice. - Oh, really? Oh, now, now. There's no need to resort to violence. Aw, sure there is.

Nothing ! Worse than nothing ! just a big scary rock !

Hi, guys. Aahh! Hi, Otto. Move over. I'm driving. No can do, little buddy. See, there's a rule-- Oh, wait. You're the little dude with the gnarly powers. Quit riding the brake. Give it some gas, man.

Tsk-tsk-tsk. Well? I know! No, son, we gotta let Bart and Lisa get one. Come on. This one's easy. We give up. Well, guess! Book of Revelations. Fire-breathing lion's head.

- Who is it? - I'm here to serve you with a subpoena. Well, I'm not opening the door. It comes with a side of bacon. Is it crispy? Yes. But not too crispy? No. See you in court!

the one that was parked in 7A? Hey! Hey, what's it doing there? It was supposed to be on the railroad tracks. No, I mean, the parking lot. Homer, you moron. Homer, you genius! Geronimo!

Look up at the stars, Springfield. For eons, people have gazed at the skies... and seen into their souls.

You are going to crash and burn,

Hey, mouse. Say "Cheese." With a dry, cool wit like that, I could be an action hero.

But... I still don't know. I can just imagine what Marge would say. Homer, I insist you steal that car. I'll do it! Okay, here's the plan. This model car represents my car, huh?

Nice work, Brenda. I'll take it from here. No way. This is my collar. Too bad real women don't come with these, huh? You got that right. Quiet, you! That counts as your phone call.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry, all right-- sorry I came back here ! Aha !

Mom, let's just grab what we can and get out of here. This storm is making people crazy. The last pineapple! And plenty ripe too! But I'm not fruit! I'm a kid! That's what the pumpkin said. Hi, Lisa. We're going to be in a pie!

Yodel-lay-hee yOdel-lay-hee odel-lay-hee Our next act is our very own singing waitress-- Lurleen.

My purpose in life is to witness this moment.

and we have so many memories. You know, you're right. This truly was the best vacation ever. Now let us never speak of it again.

I got to finish him off while I'm still temporarily insane! No, you can't hurt Bart! He's-- Well, he's your son. What? Well, not literally. But in a way, isn't he everyone's son? For you see, that little hell-raiser...

Ozzie and the straw We're talking softball From Maine to San Diego talking softball mattingly and canseco ken griffey's grotesquely swollen jaw Steve sax

We were collecting canned goods for the starving people in, uh, you know, one of them loser countries.

A hand! Ow! Daddy, something attacked me! Oh, now, Roddy, it's just a stuck ball. I'll get it.

Nothing's more important to me than the health and well-being of my freaks. I'm sending you to a vet. My God!

I'm telling you, Marge, this'll work. They'll think I'm Krusty and give us free stuff. I've been getting free stuff all day! Look at this swell bucket of house paint. Look at it!

Good? I'm in it. I had a small speaking role. Yeah. I went to visit him and was banned from the set.

Time to wizz in a foaming bowl of china (EXCLAIMS) A line for the bathroom? What gives? I don't know. But whoever's in there is taking their sweet ol' time. - Son, can I have cuts? - No! - Back cuts? - Okay. Sweet. Hey! Wait a minute. If we're all out here, who's in there?

Stop scaring Smithers. Satisfied? Thank you, sir.

Polo. So, Mom, you think you'll be getting out of there soon?

Jesus called today. He did? I'm bored. Hey, I've got an idea. Let's tie a string around a fly. Cool. Do you think bugs feel pain? If they don't, I've wasted a lot of my life. I wish I could fly.

Oh! Hey, Barney, will you give me 250 bucks for this blimp ticket? Sure! Where'd you get all the money? From some scientist.

eat him at 6:30, back in bed by 7:00 with no incriminating evidence. The perfect crime. Homer ? You're sneaking out to go fishing. I can't believe your selfishness. You can go fishing anytime, but we're here trying to save our marriage.

TV said that? But I have to have a gun. It's in the Constitution. Dad, the Second Amendment is just a remnant from revolutionary days. It has no meaning today.

We came this close to losing our spare Christmas tree stand. You monster! Look! Here's the box for my Pitch Back. If I still had it, I could put it in here! Oh, I'll never get rid of this useless junk. Useless? This flash cube has two flashes left.

(GASPS) What did she say?

I sold it all for 25 bucks! - Oww! - Come on, everybody. It makes you feel better.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Why, this test is worse than Milhouse's exam. Bart Simpson, I warned you. This is the final straw. Mr. and Mrs. Simpson, I think you know... our district psychiatrist, Dr. J. Loren Pryor. Hey, Dr. J.

Huh? Don't be alarmed, Apu. just go about your daily routine like I'm not wearing the hat. Your headgear seems to be emitting a buzzing noise, sir. Perhaps you have a bee in your bonnet. Bee?

It's so unfair. just because he's different.

Simpson, Homer Simpson He's the greatest guy in history

Hi, little fella. I got some nice juicy flies for you. Geez, Louise. Look at this mess. I told that boy a billion times to pick up his jun--

I only came to this dump so I could be with her. And what happened to my big sandwich? Uh! Boy, I can really be a pain in the butt. Gee, I should cut Dad some slack.

Off the record, ma'am all the gals on the force knew just how you felt. That's nice. Could you loosen my cuffs? No. Don't worry. She'll be cracking rocks by the end of the week. You glorified night watchman let her go! But she broke the law. Thanks for the civics lesson.

Now to sell it for millions. This comic strip is lame and derivative. I'll be the judge of that! Oh, well-- Stan Lee? Creator of Marvel Comics? Greetings, true believers. Oh! My heart is pounding like Thor's hammer...

Well, as jerry Lee Lewis would say, "There's a whole lotta frowning going on."

You get to stay downstairs, watching TV... with the sound turned way up. What about you and Mom? Oh, we'll be upstairs in the bedroom... making love... ly rope ladders in case there's a fire. Oh, okay. Children- so naive. What? Who’s naive? I didnt say anything! So naive.

That riot has far-reaching consequences. Kabul refuses to be our sister city anymore. I have no sister city! The babies' damage exceeds $1 million.

(CHUCKLING) Well, I guess you didn't find anything interesting to photograph. Check it out. The principal's got a shirt wiener. Hmm? (SHUTTERS CLICKING) Leave your body, Seymour. Leave your body.

This radio-controlled plane gives your baby the chance to fly just like my son here. He can execute the barrel roll, the loop-the-loop and bring it in for the perfect landing.

This story is as dark as those new Milky Way bars. That's a good analogy. I'll work it in somewhere. But now I need some romance pronto. Hey, Marge. You look like you could use a nice, big stud detector. (CHUCKLING) They were two-for-one at Krusty Home Depot. So I got an extra one for you guys.

I'm sorry, Bart.

Bart, I'm going to get you-- some ice cream at the store... since I'm saving so much money on diet cola.

I don't want to strangle my dog. Pull the bloody chain, boy ! I'm sorry, boy. You can't help being dumb.

Five, six, seven o'clock Eight o'clock rock Rock, rock, rock, rock, rock Rock, rock, rock Rock, rock, rock We're gonna rock, gonna rock Around this clock tonight Thank you. Thank you very much.

All right. So, the compression and expansion... of the longitudinal waves cause the erratic oscillation--

Well, dish! Groundskeeper Willie-- You know, the guy in the skirt? He bought himself a mail-order bride. But he's too cheap to pay the C.O.D., right? So she's still in a crate down at the post office. You wanna go have a look-see? Ooh, this sounds juicy. Hmm.

I'm gonna get a glacier postcard and send it to my nana. She'll be like, "No way!" Score. I'm going to exchange this beach towel I bought at Sequoia National Park. I learned too late that it implied tumescence.

Dad, can we stop at Flickey's? No.

The rules that constrain other men Mean nothing to McBain Boo ! I want to see the manager !

(CHUCKLES) No more drugs. We let everyone down. Your jacket, senor. Thank God we did not stitch your name over the breast. (SIGHS) Dad, you tried your best. For the first time in my life, I can say without being drunk that I truly admire you.

No, that stinks. Let me try one. "This is Geraldine, and the devil made me miss your call, "so here come the beep. Here come the beep!" "Do the message!"

The box says it's a perfect way to spend the day. And why would a box lie to a person? The first step is the tunnest- turning all the pieces face up.

All right, Homer. We want you to re-create your every move the night you saw this alien. Well, the evening began at the gentlemen's club...

Two hundred. No, no! I mean nothing. I don't take bribes. Yes, of course you don't. I will just leave this money on the table... with my unseeing back to the money on the table. Apu, no.

"I guess you could say it's my racket." I guess you could say I'm Iraqi. Get off my property.

What's your name, son? Ralph. And is this your girlfriend, Ralph? Yes. I love Lisa Simpson, and when I grow up, I'm going to marry her! NO-O-O-o! Now, you listen to me! I don't like you! I never liked you!

I just want the whole world to know that this was a really crappy camp. Can I say "crappy" on TV? Yes, on this network, you can.

I'm being mocked by my own children on my birthday. It's your birthday? Yes. Remember, it's the same day as the dog's.

I'm here with actor Rainier Wolfcastle... who surprisingly has filed for bankruptcy. Rainier, what went wrong? Three divorces in three months. What can I say, Kent? I'm a romantic.

Except for that one in '74 when you let Richard Nixon win. That was very kind of you, sir. Oh, he just looked so forlorn, Smithers, with his... "I can't go to prison, Monty. They'll eat me alive!"

"Dear Lisa, you rock. "Mom is calling rescue agencies,

Oh, I love you guys.

Hmm? What happened? You didn't do anything. Oh, didn't I? Nothing dissolves glue better than human sweat. I knew Bart would panic and start perspiring... at the sight of this button applicator.

Yeah, yeah, yeah! Oh, this is good.

Marge, where's my pellet gun? In the tree! Right. D'oh! Oh, no! Not the good cheek! Oh!

- Yes? - Domer. Why, you little--

We order our steaks through The New Yorker. I have a sneaking suspicion that L.L.Bean and Eddie Bauer are selling me the same honey. I get food through the mail, but in a different way. Every month, Good Housekeeping arrives in my mailbox bursting with recipes.

We played Dungeons and Dragons for three hours. Then I was slain by an elf. Listen to yourself, man. You're hangin' with nerds.

Sir Elton, my noble friends and I... would like to dub you a Knight of the Grand Concourse. Yeah, it's for all your charity work and, um, for, uh, you know, teaching us, um, to love again. Really? I did that?

A quiet little place and have A drink or two

We would have gotten more if Lisa walked faster. I didn't select this costume for mobility. I wore it to salute the noble Native Americans of the Pacific Northwest. Yaahh! Ha-ha-ha! Children, you can have one piece of candy tonight...

Will ya stop with the "sorry"? Every time you try to kill me, my ratings go through the roof, you nut! We are good together, Krusty. It makes me sad that you're getting the death penalty. Oh! Don't remind me.

But I-- I might infect the other kids. That's a risk I'm willing to take. So long! Welcome back, Lisa. I trust you got the homework I assigned. The Wind in the Willows? Oh, yeah. Ralph brought it over. Perfect. Then I won't need to excuse you from the test.

Beach pistol. Scandalously revealing thong. Going somewhere? Wha-- Homer! Moe! You killed me!

I'm trying to find a particular tune. It's the one that goes like-- Da da da, da da da Mom, is this the one you want? Yes! That's it! Lisa, you ought to be a doorbell salesman. Oh, that's just what I need. Another piranha in the tank.

Financial panther, eh? Mr. Simpson, you're a dollar overdrawn. Get him, Sheba! I'm on board. You haven't set aside anything for the future. You know how it is with cops. I'll get shot three days before retirement.

Dude, if you still want the Ribwich... they're testing it in other markets. Check out the tour schedule.

I'm free next weekend! There's plenty of Milhouse to go around!

No. The voters will decide that in November. l was talking about this. Oh, my God. I forgot all about this. Where did you find it? More like where didnt I find it. It was practically everywhere.

Ach! I can't believe Silly Sailor beat us both up, and imprisoned us in his floating Aquaworld. jiminy jillickers! There, now, there's no need for profanity, Fallout Boy.

Hey, it's Krusty, all right. Should I shoot him gangland style or execution style? Listen to your heart. Well, I can't give you the car, Krusty, but I can let you have this little number for practically nothing. Only 38,000. Hey, what are all these holes?

Dynamiters need dynamite. I'm supplying it to them at a tidy profit. And not a single sea creature was wasted. You inspired it all, Li'l Lisa. Oh! YOu--

Maybe the people who live in communist countries. I bet you're right. But we each just bought our own soccer team. How many Hungarios can say that?

Do you think there's a place in the hip-hop world, for a 40-something elementary school administrator? Hell, yes. Hmm. But I'm already paying a guy for that. Skinner! I order you to step off, dawg. (ALL LAUGHING) I think they're making fun of me but my wife is very sick.

Let's see here. Ah! Here's one from 1834. "It's unlawful for a man to be hatless during daylight hours." Hmm. Hmm? Smithers, if I didn't arrest you that night in the park, I'm not going to arrest you now.

(ORGAN MUSIC PLAYING)

I'd better eyeball that ape one more time. (SCREAMING IN PAIN) (GASPS) CLANCY: God! (SOBBING) What's up? Don't you want to get back to that awesome family of yours? What are you crying about?

Good evening. Did you know that 34 million american adults are obese? That excess blubber could fill two-fifths of the Grand Canyon.

Um, it's like, uh-- Did anyone see the movie Tron?

- The book fair. - Oh, no! I'm not falling for that again!

Wow, the night sky.

Ha! Take out a sheet of paper. Books under your desks. But I'm supposed to-- I've got-- I'm supposed to-- Oh, Warren, I nearly forgot. All junior Campers are excused to attend their patrol meeting. Um, Mrs. Krabappel, I'd like to stay,

people found entertainment in abusing the village idiot. So let history come alive. ALL: Yeah! Wait! Let me take out my contact lenses! (GROANS) Pelt all you want. But revenge will be Willie's! (SCREAMS) That was a stapler!

Kids, if we buy a new car, we get our parking validated for free.

Oh! Usually a mink massage makes me feel better. But something's missing now. I didn't say stop. Lovely day in paradise, isn't it? Yeah. just like yesterday.

Uh, let my people go. Let your people go? I've never heard such insolence! You call yourselves slaves?

Shove over, junior. That thoughtless destruction will surely bankrupt the museum, old chum. Shut up!

"Learnd," son. It's pronounced "learnd."

You can get drunk when we get home. Duh.

Word to the wise. British candy is a bit sweeter than what you're used to across the pond. Look, teabag, just fork over the brown. BOTH: Mmm! (UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

Wow. I'll take that ring. And how will you be paying for it? I don't know. Finally, the big day came. We didn't have much money so we went to a quaint little chapel just across the state line.

No. Why would I need a ride this afternoon? Where? To the big annual what? Lenny. Ah, well. If it was big and annual, I'm sure they'd have mentioned it in the newspaper.

Daddy, what's the red stuff coming out of kitty's ears? Uh, uh, that's, uh, just raspberry jam. Dad, should I poke Rod with a sharp thing like the mouse did?

Everyone pile on Homer's wife. J Love is a battlefields Huh? Huh? Huh? Ow! J At iastJ J Relax Don 't do itJ

Any glue leaking? No, that glue ain't going nowhere. Oh, nothing's ever gonna stop me. Uhh! Oh, no! There goes the glue after all.

Oh, which I intentionally put in there for you. Hey, you lucky little Hamantaschen, you. Come on. How about a tune for the old man? That's him! That's the one! Homer Simpson! I said I was sorry.

(SCHOOL BELL RINGING) (TIRES SCREECHING) D'oh! (SCREAMS) (BRAKES SCREECHING) (ALSO SPRACH ZARATHUSTRA PLAYING)

Aaah! The booze!

Do not be alarmed. Continue swimming naked.

If I'm happy, I'm less abusive to the rest of you. No, Dad. This time you were just plain selfish. ASTROLABE: I am not returnable. (SOBBING) I will be testing my smoke alarm for the next three hours. (ALARM BLARING) (SOBBING)

I've got it! Dad, give me $750. Okay.

Now go get us some incriminating footage. Remember, you have to get in and out in 10 minutes, or you'll suffer permanent neck damage. He's not kiddin'.

Congratulations, fellow Springfielders. This town will no longer be known as "America's Sorrow." Today I declare Springfield "Fat City, U.S.A."

Oh, Simpson, can't you go five seconds without humiliating yourself? How long was that? Your clownish behavior notwithstanding, we have made a gentleman's agreement... and sworn on our lives to honor it.

I know a much better way to get attention. Hear ye! Hear ye! My daughter has something to tell you about jebediah Springfield. Aw, the little cutie wants to do somethin' cute. Shut up, ya bums! Shut up! Go ahead, angel. jebediah Springfield was nothing more...

I said Simpson.

There are many prominent Jewish entertainers including Lauren Bacall, Dinah Shore, William Shatner and Mel Brooks. Mel Brooks is jewish?! Krusty, are you all right? Yes, it's just that saying the Brucha brings back a lot of painful memories. The old days...

Well, look who's here. Hi, Poochie! You look like you've got something to say. - Do you? - Yes, I certainly do. I have to go now. My planet needs me.

That's assault! That is assault! It was the best Thanksgiving ever. I mean, emotionally it was terrible, but the turkey was so moist. The carcass of the Simpsons' empire had been picked clean.

Hmm. "Beer goggles. See the world through the eyes of a drunk!" Wow! You're charming the pants off of me. What did you say, Aunt Selma? I said take off those damn glasses!

Homer, what are you doing?

Can we put him in more of a hip-hop context? Forget context. He's gotta be a surfer. Give me a nice schmear of surfer. I feel we should "rastafy" him by 10% or so.

That's why I need a name that's cutting edge, like CUTCO or Edgecom. Interslice. Come on, Marge. You're good at these. Help me out. How about CompuGlobalHyperMeganet? Fine. It's not important.

I've been better.

Homie, you want pork chops? No, I want roast beef, you clod!

For some bizarre reason, the Aussies thought this would be a permanent thing.

to the old sports equipment shed behind the school. So long, suckers!

Please stay calm everyone. Time for this Hawk to fly. Wrong button. Help!

What did you say? I can't understand you with all that distortion.

A formal-- the one place you can wear a tiara and not look crazy. Uh-huh. So how are we enjoying the festivities? Yes. The music is from southern Hungary.

- Hello, campers! - How you doin"? Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. ts Mick Jagger and Keith Richards!

Nice to meet you, ma'am. Could you tell him a little about yourself ?

I didn't do it. Yea!

Hi! Did you miss me? Never leave again! Never leave again! Never leave again.

That's where you're wrong. This whole pot is only 14 calories.

Mom, these are slums. The government just painted them bright colors so the tourists wouldn't be offended. Works for me. Yeah. Check out the rats. Ooh, they look like Skittles. Here we are-- 123 Papaya Street. This is Ronaldo's orphanage.

I understand. But can it wait until after Bingo? Bingo? That's my favorite game. I just can't remember what to yell out when you win. "Bingo." That's my favorite game. I just can't remember what to yell out when you win. Oh! How about you just say, "Yay, I won!" Bingo! I've never seen such masterful Bingo playing.

Uh, ladies and gentlemen, uh, distinguished colleagues, after extensive biological and anatomical testing, I regret to announce that the evidence we have is... inconclusive.

Say, I've got a neat idea. Why don't you go in and pick up my mother, and we'll go out to dinner? I'll be back in a jiffy! - That's not my mother. - I'll be back in a jiffy!

Ah, nobody touched my rumaki. Rumaki! Yea! Isotopes! Whoo! Isotopes! Isotopes! Isotopes! You know what I'm sayin' to you, baby?

than just "tappa-tappa-tappa." Why, back when I was your age, I had 43 movies under my belt, and I had to do it without tappa-tappa-tappa. I would have killed for tappa-tappa-tappa. Sorry. I'm just frustrated. Well, you'll never save Grandpa's farm with that attitude. You've just got to turn that frown upside down.

Bills, bills. Oh, a rejection letter from The New Yorker subscription department. Hmm. Who or what is Santos L. Halper? Wow! My own credit card! Thanks, Santos!

Stop! We have reached the limits of what rectal probing can teach us. This is a mission of conquest. Take us to your leader. Well, I guess you mean President Clinton. He usually hangs around Washington, D.C. President Clin-ton. Excellent. Except, um, there's this election next week,

Planing down the thighs I make four bucks an hour planing down the thighs Hey, I don't look so bad. Don't worry, Lisa. You can still find someone to love you.

That seems very noisy and expensive for a souvenir. Why don't you get this nice cap? It's clever, just like you. Hmm? Hmm? Come along. Get out. Get out! Shoo! Shoo! Get outta here!

Grazie, Springfield! He's a phony! Lousy cheater! I demand a re-race! I got a better idea. Let's have a fun run... on his trachea.

But I am severely tempted to do it over this. - Oh, Homer. - Marge, I'm sorry. I think it's coming down. No, Homer ! No, no ! It's coming down. That's it, Marge. It's coming down. The cable stays. The foot has spoken.

You've created a world without death. Does this mean they'll never cancel the Jim Belushi Show? I guess so. (SCREAMING) No! LISA: A world without death. (GUNSHOTS) (GROANING) Frankie the Squealer, why won't you die?

Somebody? Anybody? Oh! Lisa? Lisa? Lisa! Dad! Stay there! I'll come down and save you! What's wrong with this thing?

Don't be afraid. Homer, it's 2:00 a.m. What happened? It was an alien! It appeared in front of me and said, "Don't be afraid"!

There is something that you won't believe! What the heck is that? Maybe it's a box from the future! It looks japanese. What's going on? Wh-Why am I on a japanese box?

Son of a-- oof! What next?

No! Traitors! Uh-oh. I don't think they saw me.

Oh, this family needs a live wire, but it's just not me.

April Fools'! Now who's laughing? Now who's laughing? And that's the story of April Fools' Day. - Dad, I was telling the story. - Oh, right.

Here, Dad. I brought you some nice-- Good news, Lisa. I don't need your mother anymore. I've created a replacement that's superior to her in almost every way. Dad, that's just a plant. Lisa! You will respect your new mother. Now, give her a kiss. Kiss her!

Is, uh, there a button or a release for these keys?

Hmm, where's Lenny and Carl? Don't you push them! They've got to work that out for themselves. Oh. But I'm only $200 short of $14,800! Well, what about people of the opposite sex who want to get married? Opposite? Yuck. I mean a man and a woman.

Resident. Occupant. Hmm. Free sample of Lemon Time. Ooh, give it here. Homer, that's dishwashing liquid! Yeah, but what are ya gonna do? Ooh! They're having a retirement party for someone at the plant. I wish I could retire. Boy, that'd be sweet.

Oh, glory of glories! Oh, heavenly testament to the eternal majesty of God's creation! Holy macaroni!

"Best in the West." It rhymes.

In our overcrowded cell we became little more than beasts. Who used my chap stick? Oh, i did. Here you go. I don't want it. My only joy came with plotting a horrible revenge... against the boy who put me there.

Did you get a load of "Corpsey" the Clown? That guy cheapens our whole profession. What do you think of him, Internet Comic? Guys, keep it down. Five minutes, Krusty. Oh, I ain't going back out there.

(FANFARE PLAYING) I'm Henry the Eighth, I am Henry the Eighth, I am, I am I've been eating since 6:00 a.m. For dessert I'll have dinner again

Like Cletus the Slack-jawed Yokel Hey. What's goin' on on this side?

At last we're alone. (SCATTING)

You know, one day, honest citizens are gonna stand up to you crooked cops.

What have I done? I've changed the future for the worse. Homer, stay away from the nuclear plant. Fine. I'll never go back, starting tomorrow.

What do you mean it's over? We're bankrupt. The stock is at zero. But I have 52 million shares. What's 52 million times zero? And don't tell me it's zero! Bart, it's not about how much stock you have. It's about how much copper wire you can get out of the building with.

On the good ship lollipop it's A sweet trip to A candy shop where bonbons--

With a little help from our friend, sodium chloride!

Hmm. Makes sense. We're having a free get-acquainted session at our resort this weekend. How much is this free resort weekend? It's free. And when is this weekend? It's this weekend. Uh-huh. And how much does it cost? - Um, it's free. - I see. And when is it?

Wait a minute! You didn't learn how World War ii ended. We won! Yea! U.S.A.! U.S.A.!

What'd I say? What's goin' on? Hey, we're just tryin' to have a good time, narc. Why do you want to destroy us? Don't commit your hate crimes here! Hate crime! Okay, I'm heading out now. More butt support. More butt support! D'oh!

JJ What are you screaming about? Did you discover my snake farm? Cause I can explain.

My name is Zweig. Lowenstein.

They pack a wallop. Sure do, Skip. Before I post the starting lineup I want to assure those who are not on the list that I'm very disappointed in you. Something was lacking. Let's call it heart. No hustle either, Skip. That's right, Darryl.

Ahh. As you can see, the real deal with Waylon Smithers... is that he's Mr. Burns's assistant. He's in his early 40s, is unmarried and currently resides in Springfield. Thanks for writing. We'll be right back.

Bart, get out of The Spirit of St. Louis! Hey, what's so funny. Oh, Marge, grow up! Congressman, this is, uh, Springfield National Forest.

I'm still beating you, boy. Okay, the colors of the Italian flag are red, white and what ? Blue ! Yellow ! Green. Black. Green. Green. I was right ! We'll be right back with more Grade School Challenge...

But the handle is covered with something else. The unmistakable fragrance of eel pie. Hey, lots of people like eel pie! Yeah? Well, how many of them have mutton chops? And why can't you be more like Eddie? He never says a word against me. Well, that's because you cut out his tongue. (MUMBLES) He's right, Chief.

Okay, before I show you, who wants to guess how I got the money? Dealing drugs? Drugs? I'll have to say drugs too. Close, but you're way off.

All right! They're gonna show his disastrous marriage to Mia Farrow. Chan Ho, your mother Mia and I are getting a divorce. Chan Ho is over there. I am Chin Ho. Whoever you are. just pass it along, kid. What a bad father.

Steroids arent drugs. They occur naturally in the body... like sweat or tumors. But arent there side effects? Yes. Their main side effect is greatness. But if you’d rather be weak and helpless-

Mom, my potato is eating a carrot.

Oh, you're the bee's knees, baby. I missed you bad. Were you talking to me, Grampa? Um, yes. Eww! We're still not close. Boy, this is gonna be an all-night brain-buster.

Peek-a-boo! I see you!

Are we there yet? No. - Are we there yet? - No.

Now play. The audience is gettin' restless. We want Chilly Willy! We want Chilly Willy!

Could I have another--

Yeah, you should be very proud, Homer. You, uh, got a beautiful home here. So, it was pretty okay, huh? Mom, can we go to bed without dinner? Yes, we can.

So I helped myself to a few of the better umbrellas. Well, as you can see, we don't believe fur is murder, but paying for it sure is. Uh, sorry we're late. But Luann had to put on her face. She doesn't want anyone to know she's got no eyebrows. What? You don't.

That's 104 pounds of sandpipers. You mean there's nothing left to clean? Well, there are rocks, thousands and thousands of rocks. I've got rocks that need washing at home.

Milhouse! Uh, hi, Bart. Faithful Milhouse. You'll spend the long, hot days by my side, won't you? I think I lost my glasses in your pool. I better go in and find 'em. - But you're wearing your glasses. - No, I'm not.

Smithers, it's out of control. I'll take him out, sir. Shake, shake, shake shake, shake, shake Shake, shake, shake His ass is gonna blow!

Um-- He's not gonna say it. Trust me. He'll say it, or I'll bust him down to Thursday night vespers. And thank Crazy Larry, whose big screen TV prices are insane-ane-ane! And now to deliver a special sermon...

Uh, Homer, I think you should see this. Homie, I tried to tell you how I feel... but I cant find the right words. Maybe he can. Weird Al Yankovic? Homer, Marge wrote me about what happened. As soon as her check cleared, l was on the first reasonably priced flight here. Did you ever get the parody songs I sent you?

We are home. That was fast.

Yes, Krusty? Bart, I need to get your fingerprints on a candlestick. Meet me in the conservatory chop-chop. - Don't worry. Everything's gonna be all right. - Oh!

I'll give you three crayons and my milk. It's a good offer. I advise you to take it. Mmm. Make that a chocolate milk and you got a deal.

Ice cream! Ice cream! Workers, please. There'll be time for the frozen-pudding wagon later. You still owe me 10 more Iroquois twists. Ten, ha-ya-yah. Uh! And nine, ha-ya-yah. Uh!

You lost all our money? Point of order. I didn't lose all the money. There was enough left for this cowbell. Damn you, eBay!

What game? - Let's Eat Maggie. - Ooh! Manimals! lnverta-broads! You must fight back against the one who did this to you! Arr! The half-man half-gorilla speaks the truth. Hmm.

Ooh! Oww! Give us back our concert, Simpson! So, New Springfield's looking pretty good now, isn't it,

Bart, your grandpa's on the phone. He wants to wish you a happy birthday. Isn't that nice? Take a message. Right now, I'm off to hit 46 local merchants for free birthday goods and services. I'm here for my free birthday sundae. Eat it and get out.

Good Lord. Flu germs entering every orifice in my head. Uhh.

Yay! Whoo-hoo! We're the baddest punks in our age bracket.

HOMER: Oh, anonymous girl who turned out to be Marge!

No, this is true. The Coast Guard arrested Boy George... for scraping the barnacles off his dinghy. Hi-yo! Hi-yo!

Slave Driver, put away the encouragement whip and break out the cruel whip.

Hang on, everybody! Three... two... one, blast off! That was "tree-mendous!" Where's Ralph?

I'm sorry I lied to you, Marge, but this gun had a hold on me. I felt this incredible surge of power... like God must feel when he's holding a gun. So please, get rid of it, because I know I'll just lie to you again and again.

Now, Bart, you keep an eye out for the mailman. just give me some kind of signal. Dad, the mailman's here. That's a good one. We'll use that. No, I mean the mailman's here !

Three, two, one. Make rocket go now.

Good evening. I've been asked to tell you...

Oh, my God. What'll I do? What'll I do? What's the matter with you, Homer? We don't have any fruits or vegetables in the car. The whole trunk's full of 'em, Marge. Got any fruits or vegetables?

But it helps me get through another day My stomach is filled with haggis and hurt I've got to go puke in some hay Lisa is a fool I think the rules are cool I've fallen in the pool

I tried! Oh, Lord, how I did try. Knock it off! I can't hear myself think. I want some peanuts. That's better. How come you never play your guitar anymore?

Yabba dabba do!

The hunt is on.

1971-- man walks on the moon... again. Then for a long time, nothing happened. Until tonight. Behold the future of comedy. Poochie! - They fight and bite - and bark

Hey, who unplugged my freezer? Return to your state of living death at once, sir. Is that you, Apu? Whoa! Time has ravaged your once-youthful looks.

Market research shows people see you as something of an ogre. I ought to club them and eat their bones! Well, maybe this film festival could help us. A film biography might let them get to know the real you-- virtuous, heroic, nubile-- You left out pleasant! But I like that film biography idea.

Will you quit bugging me about the stupid pirate ? Psst. Long john Silver, Dad. I heard that, Bart jr. I want to see both of you after class today. Ohh ! Thanks a lot, son.

Whoa ! Hey, everybody ! How you doin' ? Look at me ! I'm Homer Simpson ! Homer. Homer. X-Y-Z. Examine my zipper ? Why ? Whoop !

The perfect chance to make my patented, space-age, out-of-this-world moon waffles. Let's see here. Caramels. Waffle batter. Liquid smoke.

They don't have to rub it in my face. Okay, everybody. It's the moment you've all been waiting for. The pig de rÉsistance. Look at his nose.

He has trained a bird to sing to me. Limo out front. Tickets to opera, front row loge. Oh! just once I'd like a parrot to say that to me.

(GUNS COCKING) Bart, two, three, four.

I can't stand to see him like this!

I'm one lesson short.

I give you the Loch Ness Monster! Monty! Monty! Thank you. You're too kind. Yes, that's it. Let it all out. Clutch me to your common bosom. Hey, look. He's getting up.

Hey, who cut out Beetle Bailey? I need my Miss Buxley fix. I don't like you ogling her.

"Core temperature normal." Hmm. Not too shabby. "Vent radioactive gas?" N-O. "Venting prevents explo-si-on." Ooh, this is hard. Where's my Tab? Okay, then. Yes. Vent the stupid gas.

10-4, kemosabe.

I thought we were Quiet Riot.

Wow! This place is great. That couch looks really pricey.

Oh. Okay. You'll be my friend. I'm never, never gonna let you get away.

I won't even subject you to the horrors of our Three Stooges ward.

We're free! Your mother set us free! Whoo-hoo! Don't celebrate too much. Judge-- Wha-- Hey-- Wha-- Who said that? That's right. It's me, Judge Harm, through the magic of fiber optics. Hey, how about that?

Well, here's a die-hard fan. Sir, your beloved Isotopes are about to make history. Any thoughts? Oh, it's a great team, Kent. We never gave up hope. I want to thank jesus and say hi to my special lady, Marge. We did it, baby! Whoo! Whoo!

Bad grammar overload! Error! Error! What the hell! Linguo... dead?

Mmm-- To hell with this. Line inspector coming through. Please move to the right. Grab that handrail, young man. Out of my way ! I'm here for your safety !

Oh, wow! Windows! I don't think I could afford this place. Hello. I am not interested in buying the house, but I would like to use your rest room, flip through your magazines, rearrange your carefully shelved items... and handle your food products in an unsanitary manner.

That's pretty far-fetched, Lisa. Are you sure someone hasn't been bitten by the jealousy bug?

your baby, Maggie Simpson, is dead!

Angry. Angry young man.

This man is costing my health plan $5,000 a day. I demand that he die with dignity.

Bye! Ah, we forfeit. We'll take it. There it is, boys: the championship trophy. Whoo. We will never possess it.

Yep. There I go. Then came the rocks-- jagged rocks, hitting me with their jags. The sequence became an instant comedy classic. But what the audience didn't see was the unfunny aftermath.

It just goes to show you that everything will work out if you have faith. It's all gone. Everything... gone-diddilly-on.

Uh... I, um... Uh... Uh... "Dee..." Uh... "Deee..." "Dear...

Hey, Carl? Isotopes! We aRe the champions we are the champions you got mud on your face big disgrace

Pull over! There's no good place! There's lots of good places! What about over there? No shade! Huh?

Silent night Holy night All is calm All is bright

Sweetheart, a missing crayon could be anywhere. Who wants lottery tickets?

Go, go, go! - Pow! - No! Well, your dive wasn't bad, but I just didn't believe your "No!" I mean, you gotta sell it. Remember, your "No!" is what gets you your next job. Now drop and give me 20. No! Better.

Kent Brockman is not the kind of man who would leave a $500,000-a-year job because he won a lottery. I'm a journalist. He's got all the money in the world but there's one thing he can't buy. What's that? A dinosaur.

Everyone, welcome to The Duff Book of World Records. Springfield is the world's fattest town. Whoo-hoo! In your face, Milwaukee.

You do ? Ha-ha, ha-ha-ha ! Homer, please. It's not just the quilt.

Whoa, look at this place. What a dump ! It's worse than you think. I just trampled this poor sap's flower bed. - Homer, this is our house. - Aaah !

For the love of God, sir! There are two seats! I like to put my feet up.

"Enclosed is a photo of us on a tandem bike. I forget which one I am." "Dear Selma... "your latest letter set off a riot... in the maximum-security wing of my heart." Ohhh... Like the lone crocus that pokes through the prison yard,

we must now ask ourselves: Who could be as bloodthirsty as Waylon Smithers? I guess it's never the most likely suspect. Actually, Mom, in 95% of cases, it is. The rest of the time it's usually some deranged lunatic who did it for no reason. Hey, I had a damn good reason. He could never remember my name.

I'm sorry. Let me start over. Eons ago, dolphins lived on the land. What did he say? - He said dolphins used to live on the land. - Whaaa-- Then your ancestors drove us into the sea... where we've suffered for millions of years.

But now I check every time. It's true. He does. Movies mean that much to you, Homer? They're my only escape from the drudgery of work and family. No offense. Ah, what the heck. Let's hit the road.

Well, Willy, you can take it from here. Adios, dude. You'll be back ! You haven't seen the last of Willy ! I don't see why all this is necessary. Come on, Patty. You don't wanna show up for your big date... looking like Yosemite Sam.

Pizza, pizza. Pizza, pizza. Pizza, pizza. Pizza, pizza. Sorry, that button sticks. So why didn't you invite me? We couldn't tell you ahead of time because you'd spill the beans. I wouldn't ruin a surprise for Lenny. Surprise? What surprise?

That's right. I love you, Marge. And I realize now I should show you more often. The end of your book was the wakeup call I needed after falling asleep at the beginning of your book.

Ooh, that's quite a thingamajigsaw. But it looks like you’re missing a piece. Looks like you’re missing a wife. I walked right into that one.

I haven't seen you in years. That's right. That's my pop. Oh, little Bart. We hear all about your monkeyshines. Bet you get into all kinds of trouble he don't even know about. Am I right? Well, I make some crank phone calls. Aw, ha-ha, that's great!

Why are you guys jumping to such ridiculous conclusions? Haven't you ever heard of Occam's Razor? The simplest explanation is probably the correct one. So what's the simplest explanation? I don't know. Maybe they're all reverse-vampires, and they have to get home before dark. Reverse-vampires!

Yuh-huh. That's the deal. No more exercise program. No more traffic. No more blood drives or charity walks. Dad, I know we don't do a lot together, but helping you gain 61 pounds is something I want to be a part of. Dad! I must protest. You're abusing a program... intended to help the unfortunate.

Are you sure this is art-- and not vandalism? That's for the courts to decide, Son.

Yummy, yummy, yummy I got love in my tummy (BURPS) And I feel like a loving you Love, you're such a sweet thing Good enough to eat thing

Vote "yes" on Prop 217. You know, the door was open, Chief Break Everything.

Smithers, send for the boys at Yale admissions, hmm? Well, did you meet Larry? Oh, yes. He made light of my weight problem, then suggested my motto should be "Semper Fudge." At that point he told me to "relax." How were his test scores? Let's just say this--

So, Krusty, what are you gonna do about your tax problem?

Should we correct for wind resistance? Hmm, possibly. What do you think? Oh, my. Well, Dean, I'm really sorry for the running-you-over prank. Prank? And all those other pranks were my idea too. I'm the one who should be expelled. Well, I'm touched by your honesty.

It could be right in front of your face as I'm saying this, waggling back and forth, perhaps being held up by a loved one. Maggie, I'm trying to watch TV. Put that moldy, old bear down. Moldy? Old? I'm gonna get something to eat!

- Up, down, up, down. Huh? - (WHISTLING) (CHUCKLES) (PANICKED GRUNTS) Ah! The zipper's stuck! (ALL GASP) Oh, I should've gone with the button fly.

We can't bust heads like we used to, but we have our ways. One trick is to tell them stories that don't go anywhere, like the time I caught the ferry over to Shelbyville.

Oh, cool. Thanks. Hey, cinnamon dental floss! I just know we're gonna be friends forever. So, Lisa has a friend. We'll see about that.

Where are the barstools? Up there. Ain't it trippy? Uh, whatever. Just give me a Duff. We don't serve Duff no more. We got a Malaysian beer that's better than Duff. - It's made outta soy sauce. - Whatever. Just give me a Duff.

This is indeed a disturbing universe. Don't touch anything? I'll touch whatever I feel like!

Sideshow Bob tried to kill me on our honeymoon. How many people in this court are thinking of killing her right now?

Marge, you can stand there finding fault, or you can knit me some seat belts. Sorry, sorry. Dad, you got a letter from the City of New York. Throw it away. Nothing good has ever come out of New York City. "Dear motorist, Your vehicle is illegally parked in the borough of Manhattan." My vehicle!

You'll never guess what happened, Marge. Are you ready? I have a feeling that we may win... the lottery!

Look at you-- standing there on your hind legs... like a couple of Rory Calhouns.

It's not fair, Dad. Why should an animal die just because you and Moe are fighting? It's the law. My hands are tied. Okay. Cranberry sauce, stuffing, potatoes. Come on, turkey! Join your friends!

Everyone, flare your nostrils in olfactory anticipation! Oh, man. The plant cut one. Bart, plants dont- Whew!

Would you like a beer? Well, okay. But you can't silence Homer Simpson! I'm the friend of the downtrodden, and I'm not gonna forget what I saw here today. Of course not. Duffman, could you bring in two bottles of smooth, untainted Duff? Oh, yeah!

Oooh ! A-ha ! Got him ! Okay, okay.

Starla's a temp at KZUG, radio 530. She's gonna help me launch my singing career. My car! Oh, my demo tape!

Yeah, I love Sprawl-Mart. They've got everything. Even Christian videos with talking vegetables. Mighty Yamses, we are weary of building your food pyramid. Let my pickles go! Mmm! Moses. (DROOLING)

So? I let you use my leaves. That Urkel's a hoot. Listen to 'em. Watching my television, sitting on my couch. You'd better not be in my ass groove! Homer! It took me years to forge that groove. One of them's playing my saxophone.

Ow! Hey, watch those virtual darts! I'm trying to play virtual pool. Ow! Hey, hey! No fighting in my bar!

What are you gonna do with your Super Bowl ring, Carl? I'll probably give it to my wife. It's our anniversary today. Dad, that doesn't belong to you. But this might be my last chance to win one. We sure put together a heck of a trip, Homer. Ever thought about being a travel agent?

instead ofthat crap-a from a can I give-a to everybody else. ts as cold as my love for you. And, Marge, if your mouth-a get tired... Angelo here will chew for you. Yes. I like-a to chew. Thank you, fellas. Mom, doesnt it bother you... that they're giving you all this attention just because of those?

Cheer up, Lise. You got a good grade without even reading the book. That's win-win. Can't you see the difference between earning something honestly... and getting it by fraud? Hmm. I suppose, maybe, if, uh-- No. No, sorry. I thought I had it there for a sec.

ANNOUNCER: End of round one, 230 rounds to go. B-R-L-F-Q spells mom and dad But that ain't too bad, because that's my boy You look a little sluggish out there, boy.

Thank you, NASA.

But first, we've gotta break out of these stocks. Easy. Easy. I want goggles too! Shh! You'll wake up Flanders. What the-- Hey, Marge, surf's up!

I'm gonna turn this car around, and there'll be no Cape Canaveral for anybody! That's it! Back to Winnipeg! Bart, can we stop for ice cream? Yes. Bart, can we weigh the car at that weigh station? Yeah.

(WHISPERS) Keep crying. It's dynamite. (INHALING DEEPLY) Sweetie, tonight you were perfect! Marge, Lisa and I were just discussing how to improve tonight's performance. Now, you're confusing her by telling her she was perfect. Mr. Simpson, I brought those Twizzlers you asked for.

I am Clin-ton. As overlord, all will kneel trembling before me and obey my brutal commands. End communication. That's Slick Willie for you-- always with the smooth talk. Marge! Marge! There I was. I had just caught the largest fish you'd ever seen,

They practically chew his food for him. Lucky stiff. I'm workin' my ass off here. Good steak, honey.

It's sacrilegious, I tell ya.

I'm alive! I'm gonna go to America! I'll be in pictures! You'll see! The whole world is gonna know the name Simon Stoolowitz!

Release the hounds. Well, neighbor I see you've got your running shoes on. That's a good thing. What's wrong with Crippler?

Well, you don't have to be sarcastic. Oh, look who's here. The family with one baby. How do you manage? Marge, they've turned into jerks. I'm very sorry. We've been rude. Can I offer you something to drink? No, thanks. Apu, they're doing it again.

My daughter Lisa-- I.Q. 156. Hi. See? And my son Bart.

You just demonstrated applied knowledge. And due to the difficulty and relative obscurity of the reference, you deserve an extra point on your exam. Hey, it's only fair. - You mean, I... passed ? - just barely. I passed ! I got a D-minus ! I passed ! All right ! Mmmwah !

When I snap my fingers, my friend, you will be a make-out artist!

Homer mad! Aah! Aah! Thank God his pants stayed on.

The penalty shot will be taken by Bart Simpson. Oh, my God, Marge. A penalty shot with only four seconds left. It's your child versus mine! The winner will be showered with praise! The loser will be taunted and booed until my throat is sore!

My God! I've created life. Lisa, breakfast! We're having waffles. Ooh, waffles.

This time, it's not personal. I need the name of everyone who buys Chintzy Pop popcorn.

This is a Band-Aid wrapped in tinfoil. My real ring's inside a turtle.

- What the hell is going on? - I don't know. But it looks like you might have a little competition all of a sudden. Thanks, everybody. But I couldn't have done all this...

Good-bye, Marge. I'll always love you. You're on Frame Up. Uh, what!

- Unbelievable. - What?

the following alternative sports will be offered. Dodge-rock, volley-brick and base-game. I want to play dodge-rock. NELSON: You're out!

Now remember, Wanda, whatever shape the wax takes that's what your husband's job will be. It's a mop. My will be a janitor. That looks like an Olympic torch to me. He could be an athlete and go on to have a great acting career.

What you need is a good, long rest. I suggest Florida. Florida? But that's America's wang. They prefer The Sunshine State.

Hey, he stole my bit! - Now we shall probe you to see if you are worthy. - Yeah, word for word!

The Great Wall of China was begun nearly 2,000 years ago in order to repel barbarian invaders. With these pogo sticks, we'll finally make it over. (GRUNTING)

Uh, but, Bart, we banned you from Sunday school. You were happy. We were happy. Everybody was happy, particularly the hamster. I've changed my ways. Please give me another chance, ma'am. All right, Bart. The Bible does teach forgiveness.

I've been everywhere, man I've been everywhere, man Crossed the deserts bare, man I've breathed the mountain air, man

Ow! Homer, this is your physician, Doctor julius Hibbert. Can you tell us what it's like in there? Um, it's like, uh-- Did anyone see the movie Tron? No. No. No. No. No. No.

Are you sure you want to do this? I can't stop thinking about her. Even these gates remind me of her braces. How are we going to find her? She's wearing a plaid jumper. Milhouse! Samantha!

Dave's not here, Man.

Dad, look who's in there. (GASPS) Flanders? (GURGLING) He doesn't even know what's going on! Wait'll I tell everyone about this. I'll feel important without drinking. That'll be weird.

I think you're making him angry. Come on. What's he gonna do? Run amok in downtown Springfield?

The label vanished many years ago. What strange wonders lie inside? Treasure, dog food? Whoa! Some things man is not meant to know.

EaT my shorts is in the fifth race! I said the third race!

Come in? Come in! Mayday! I'm losing your transmission! I said, "French fries!" What the-- Do we sell French... fries?

He's just a child. Let me talk to him. I'll give you a moment. That'll give us time to prepare for the splatter. Bart, I'm sorry, but there's nothing we can do. Your lizards are banned by federal law. Everyone thinks they're monsters.

Check out these Indian burns. Good technique. Check it out. Ho-ho! Triple twist! Nice work! You sure this was done by hand? Yeah. She's a real purist. "She"? Sorry. We don't do girls. They bite and kick and scratch. And sometimes we fall in love.

The only applause I got was for draggin' my carcass out of there. Hey, Mr. Showmanship, the owner wants to see you in his office right now. I'm sorry, young man. You're just not ready. Pick up your check at the front office, and for God's sake, put some clothes on ! I guess it's back to good old Springfield.

Sir, I need to know where I can get some business hammocks. Hammocks? My goodness, what an idea. Why didn't I think of that? Hammocks! Homer, there's four places. There's the Hammock Hut. That's on Third. Uh-huh. There's Hammocks-R-Us. That's on Third too. - You got Put-Your-Butt-There. - Mm-hmm. - That's on Third. Swing Low, Sweet Chariot. - Right.

Herman, I had to come out here to see what's so funny. A counterfeit jeans ring operating out of my car hole! I'm gonna tell everyone. Wait here. Not so fast. Okay.

Doctor, little kids aren't supposed to have heart attacks. They're supposed to skin their knees, and poke their eyes out, and be smothered by cats. Well, Bart had a heart attack, and it's his own damn fault! These dark spots in his pulmonary arteries are malted milk balls. His liver looks healthy.

What's wrong with my sundaes? Careful, I'm frail.

Correction-- free blood. Whoops. Bart and I have to go wash up. But you didn't get any on me-- Ugh-- Wh--

Why, you-- Wha-- What the--

All right, here's the deal. Every time you watch my show, - I will send you $40! - Checks will not be honored. I admit I used the city treasury to fund the murder of my enemies. But as Gabbo would say, "I'm a bad widdle boy."

I need to get some sleep. I have a test tomorrow in "birds suddenLy appear." I mean, English. Okay, okay. Let me just get the wire cutters. Oh. Your father traded our tools for M&M's again. Oh, the heck with it.

What are you hiding there? Nothing. What are those cats doing behind you? Uh, cats like me? Get-- Get off! Get off! Bart!

Wait a second. You're the man at the hospital who reads to sick children. "And truly, she was my friend Flicka." If this gets out, the next words you say... will be muffled by your own butt!

I want you to smile today. But I don't feel like smiling.

that was lodged in your chest from a previous robbery. Apu, you saved my life. And as a small token of my appreciation, I got you your job back at the Kwik-E-Mart. Oh! Oh, Mr. Woods, you're-- But as for me, I'm off to battle aliens on a faraway planet.

Great Caesar's Ghost! A talking Krusty doll!

Cloud goes up. Cloud goes down. Cloud goes up. Cloud goes down. Bed goes up. Bed goes down. Hey, hey! Hey, what's the matter? Oh, that's right. My grotesque appearance.

...And scratchy show!

This machine lets us look into the future. Wouldn't that be romantic? I'll tell you what would be romantic. Making love for the first time. Totally. Right after I fiddle with these dials and levers.

Come here. I want to kiss you, just once, softly and sweetly on your mouth.

Your skill with stains of all kinds.

Thank you! It's the pimp of the nation, Kid Rock, tearing it up at spring break, y'all! Now what we'd like to do next is bring it down for a minute. Bring on the rappin' granny! What? She's hilarious. You know, a lot of my homies didn't make it to the party.

rest your beer on your head or your genitals. Rules. I'm a rocker! I don't care for rules. Mr. Simpson, this is serious. If you take one more cannonball to the gut, you will die.

Touchdown! It is done. The Washington Redskins win Super Bowl 26! You love Dad. I suspected as much.

This character named Martin was feeling rather randy, and he was heard to remark-- Don't you ever come near my daughter again! Never have I heard such gratuitous use of the word "butt"!

I second that motion... with a vengeance! All in favor, say "Die."

And I don't think you understand that. And now, to sing Amazing Grace, Miss Maggie Simpson. She's quite a hellion, but she does have an incredible voice.

Get this kid a magazine-- stat. I'm sorry. That leg's gonna have to come off.

I'm tellin' your mom. Martin, tell him what we do with squealers. I don't know. Is it worse than what you do with people that have to go to the bathroom ? You can't stop me ! The hell I can't !

Lisa, look out behind you! Dad, I'm not gonna fall for that. No, Lisa, I swear to you! I'm 100% completely serious! You've gotta turn around right now before it's too late! - Huh? - Sucker!

I'd like to withdraw my life savings, please. And hurry!

Then that glory hog took all the supplies and headed for the top alone. I fell 8,000 feet onto a pile of jagged rocks.

but I wanted you to know I've made a couple of really important decisions. Number one: I'm cutting the cable as soon as the fight's over. And number two: I'm not very fond of any of you. Well, back to the fight. Sit down, boy ! Dad, we may have saved your soul. Tatum is reeling from the champ's exquisite haymaker.

Note to self, have hand re-blessed.

then so help me, I'll soon be guilty of that! God bless America!

I'm so embarrassed, I wish there was a hole I could just crawl into and die. Okay, throw her in the hole. Oh, please. It was just a figure of speech. You've got to listen to me. Elementary chaos theory tells us that all robots... will eventually turn against their masters and run amok...

Ooh, yikes ! What is that ? It's the centerpiece, Bart. Well, it's taking up valuable real estate. Hey, Bart, stop it ! Move it or lose it, toots ! Mom ! Now just a minute. I'm sure there's room for both. Bart, you're wreckin' it ! Let go !

Not so fast, Simpson. This foul business was all your fault. By the power vested in me, I hereby strip you of your ceremonial bell-- No! No! and tri-corner hat.

Everybody likes that 'cause it looks funny. Mr. Smith is coming to Washington. He's really honest. That could be bad news for us corrupt politicians. Big deal. If he doesn't play ball, we'll teach him a thing or two. See ya. I don't think so. Okay. Here you need a musical montage where you try on lots of funny hats.

You want to egg Skinner's car? Okay. What are you looking at? Nothing. Then get out. We're figuring out stuff to egg. Okay, but if you really want to honk Skinner off I suggest you attack the one thing he truly believes in.

Boring! And now, When Surgery Goes Wrong.

You turn it on. I turned it on yesterday. Allowance day. Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. You don't deserve an allowance. Sure we do. Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. Ice-cream man! Ice-cream man!

Well, I think we all learned a lesson today. Don't try to be something you're not, namely food. Chief, now I can't see either one.

See all that stuff in there, Homer?

Hey, this place rocks! What'd you say your name was? Didn't. It's Lisa. I'm Erin.

...friendly thing in town!

You’re going the wrong way! I'm sorry, Ned.

They seem to be building some sort of a shantytown.

Did they? Hmm, I guess Bart's not to blame. He's lucky, too,

There's a bunch of people in the Community Outreach Center. Well, we'll just see about that!

Do all these people have to watch me? Now, son, this is a teaching hospital, which is why I equipped the seat of your cast with a viewing window. Oh, my. Oh, now that's something. He should exercise more. Uh, little help.

All over America today, viewers were outraged by the Super Bowl Half-time Show's blatant display of religion and decency. You try to raise your kids as secular humanists but these showbiz types keep shoving religion down our throats. Mommy, why wasn't I baptized? You see? You see?

I said drop it!

That reminds me-- Troy said something interesting last night at the bar. Apparently, he doesn't really love Selma, and the marriage is just a sham to help his career. Well, enough talk. Let's snuggle. What? Oh, my God!

Quiet! You're missing the jokes. Catch you on the flip side, "dudemeisters." Not! Hey, kids, always recycle... to the extreme! Busted!

ts a concern, a serious concern.

Careful now. Nobody likes a show-off. Where are they going? Hey, wait up! They left without me. Oh, Lisa?

Wow. Check out the new Moe's. Wow. It looks like an alien headquarters. Couldn't you just see aliens running outta there? Couldn't ya? Hey, wait up!

What say you now, Goliath? Without your precious hair, you no longer possess your fantastic strength! That's Samson, idiot!

- Hey, you know, I once knew a man from Nantucket. - And? Let's just say the stories about him are greatly exaggerated. Howdy, gangstas. I am average American joe salary-man waiter. These prices suck. 10,000 yen for coleslaw?

It wasn't from him. It was from... me. You? Why would you like me? No girls like me! Are you wearing a wire? I don't know why I like you. I just do. So, what do you think?

fever ha Kill me. Well, Seymour, it seems we put together... a baseball team, and I was wondering-- Who's on first? Yes. Not the pronoun, but rather a player... with the unlikely name of Who is on first. Yes. Well, that's just great, Seymour.

That's odd. Where's Homer and Bart and Lisa and Grampa?

One fugu. Not fugu ! If it is cut improperly, it's, it's-- Yes, yes, it is poisonous, potentially fatal. But if sliced properly, it can be quite tasty. I must get master. Oh, Miss Krabappel.

Hey, if you don't like it, go to Russia. Trick or treat, man. Aren't you a little old for this? You're not even wearing costumes. Hand over the candy, old dude, or we egg your house.

Okay. Uh, now, before I execute this order, are you sure you understand the risks of stock ownership? Absolutely. We're in the money We're in the money

And one squid platter, extra tentacles.

home of the stinkiest rag in America. Hey, Moe. Oh, Homer, listen. I need 50 grand. Don't ask me why. No, no. I need 50 grand. I asked you first. Fine! I'll send you 50 grand. Thanks. Hello, Flanders? I need a hundred grand. Well, I don't really have that much, but, uh,

My name is Homer j. Simp... Ow! ...son. Hmm. Sounded large when I ordered it. Oh, I can't make hide nor hair of these metric booby traps.

Hope you won't be too mad. What is it, son ? I'm not a genius, Dad. What ? I cheated on the intelligence test. I'm sorry. But I just want to say... that the past few weeks have been great. Me and you have done stuff together. You've helped me out with things,

Actually, Monty--

Wait. That ain't funny. He's my best customer. Well, the handwriting's on the wall. To stay afloat, this bar is gonna have to go queer. You mean it's not? Oh. Wrong again, Gay Guide to Springfield.

- Excuse me, Reverend. - Yes? As long as two people love each other, I don't think God cares whether they both have the same hoo-hoo or ha-ha. Ha-ha! The Bible forbids same-sex relations. Which book? Which book? The Bible!

Uh, they serve as seeing eyes for the blind, sir. Do they do any other tricks? No. just the monkey then. Uh, may I inquire... as to how you are "differently-abled"? Oh. I'm not handicapped. I'm just lazy. Uh, sir, helper monkeys are only for the physically-challenged or enfeebled.

I-- I wanna do the Christmas shopping this year. Uh, sure, okay. Marge, Marge. Hmm. Let's see. Ooh, look ! Pantyhose. Practical and alluring.

Some good news, gentlemen. We have quite a treat for you. We've been able to coax superstar James Taylor in here to Mission Control... to wish you well and play you a little of his own brand... of laid-back, adult contemporary music. Wow, former president james Taylor.

Yargh. And that's the story of the very first caramel cod. I mean, Halloween. And it wasn't long... before this yearly custom became an annual tradition.

professional baseballers.

Well-- And I can explain, remember? I fill the balls with beer that I found at the dump. And then I bowl them, and some underground pipes take them into Moe's. Homer, that's very clever. Huh? Mom?

Mind if I watch TV with you? Oh, go ahead, Patty. Tonight, on MacGyver... MacGyver... MacGyver...

A satellite? What do we do? What do we do? "Discotheques, frat houses, Malibu"-- Nothing about satellite fires. Let's just spray it with water already.

This year's tree is just perfect. That old aluminium one was so fake. I couldn't agree more. From now on, it's plastic all the way.

- Thank you, Selma. - Yeah, great present, Selma.

Uh, well, uh, I was gonna surprise you, but, um, happy anniversary, baby! Have you lost your mind? Oh, come on. I'll make a fortune for one night's work.

Snoopy stationery! MARGE: Dear Mr. Gehry, would you please build a concert hall for our town? We may not be the biggest city, or the prettiest, but we were the first city in America to abandon the metric system. (MARGE LAUGHING NERVOUSLY) (GROANS)

Can you believe Flanders threw out a perfectly good toothbrush? Eww. Oh, no! It's Ralph!

Die, monster! f Male Announcer] You 're watching Monkey (Olympics on Fox.

- Homer! Homer, wake up! - Huh? What? We need to talk about the marital difficulties we've been having lately.

With rain baggie! Aw, man, that would really keep your head dry. Have you ever been in a police car? Not in the front. Hey, I just had this crazy idea. Really? What? What's this thing? "Miranda Rights Teleprompter"?

I didn't think anyone successful came from Springfield. What about that two-headed goat? Technically, he was born in Shelbyville. Yes. But he came here to die. HOMER: One of you ate tin cans. One of you ate health food. How you solved crimes, I'll never know. Mr. Mayor, you claim to be faithful to your wife.

Lousy drunks! I'll show them!

Boy, I can't wait to take some of the starch out of that stuffed shirt. Good morning and welcome to Nuclear Physics 101. I see a lot of new faces, but you know the old saying--

Oh, dear. Now you've done it.

That you can find in any player piano. All I need is some plutonium. And I know just the place to get it!

You don't belong on the lawn. You belong in your bed with your wife. That's no marriage bed. It's a loveless slab of bossiness! (GASPS) Well, you're not perfect either! Name one way I'm not.

I just came down for a glass of water. Oh. Well, you do have a present under the tree. I guess no one told Santa you were a Buddhist. Well, Santa can take it back because I'm not ruled by material desi-- Is that a pony?

The merciless peppers of Quetzlzacatenango! Grown deep in the jungle primeval... by the inmates of a Guatemalan insane asylum. Uh, Wiggie, my chili's gettin' cold.

Homer Simpson is the Pie Man? Impossible. He's never thrown away a pastry in his life! His brain isn't large enough to juggle two contrasting personae! Yeah, and Homer's a dumbass. No offense, Homer. You dumbass. I'm telling you I'm the Pie Man. No, you're not. The Pie Man could fly.

That better be Wardrobe. And it better be good news. Hello. It sounds like a domestic disturbance. All right, we'll be right back. And don't try anything because Johanssen there is a snitch.

And what should I do with my hair? You could iron it. Iron my hair? That's what Leslie Uggams does! BART: Leslie who? MARGE: Uggams!

Who-- Or what are you ?

The town of Springfield was born on that day. And to mark that sweet moment, our people planted this lemon tree, lemons being the sweetest fruit available at the time.

Who controls the British Crown Who keeps the metric system down We do, we do Who keeps Atlantis off the maps Who keeps the Martians under wraps We do, we do

adopted your brother and named him Herbert. Herbert. Herbert Powell. Great ! Where can I find him ?

Malloy said, "I'll catch up with you."

You got a problem with that? As a matter of fact, I do. You missed a spot. Well, grab a brush and join in.

Pi is exactly three! Very sorry that it had to come to that, but... now that I have your attention, we have some exciting new research from young Lisa Simpson. Let's bring her out and pay attention. - She's just a little girl. - In the larval stage. - Silly. Let's not listen.

We'll need to take some photographs. Hey, where you going with that? Wait a minute. No investor could bend like that! They're chiropractors! Come on, come on. Let's go!

I just keep replaying the whole thing in my head. I can't believe my last words to Maude were, "No foot-longs."

Hmm. Oh, he'll never dance with her. She'll have to settle for some Mexican Milhouse. I demand to know your name. My name is... Lisabella. That's my name with "bella" on the end of it. Ask her. Oh, God. Please ask her to dance.

Wow. Who do you have to kill to get a place like this? I think his name was Gustafson. Ow! Oh! Let me guess. Now you're gonna start working him over with the brass knuckles. You are so predictable. You know what would be surprising? A foot massage.

Now there is still a slight chance we could rescue your husband before he expands. (BOTH GRUNTING)

Remember the time he ate my goldfish, and you lied to me and said I never had any goldfish? But why did I have the bowl, Bart? Why did I have the bowl?

First of all my real name isn't Krusty the Clown. It's Herschel Krustofski. My father was a rabbi. His father was a rabbi. His father's father... Well, you get the idea.

Can I have money to buy Bart a birthday present?

(WHIMPERS) Just forget everything you know about gravity. But I know so much about it. Just do it! Geronimo! (LAUGHING)

Mom, these are at least two sizes too big. - Perfect, you'll grow into them. - When?

My purpose in life is to witness this moment.

Honey, your food is getting cold. That's all right.

Clear! Oh, Doctor, I was in a wonderful place filled with fire and brimstone. And there were all these guys in red pajamas sticking pitchforks in my butt.

I'm absolutely evil. You're preachin' to the choir, man. - What do I have to do? Grow a devil beard? - Devil beard? You know, the little goatee thing. You mean a Vandyke? No. A Vandyke has a mustache, doesn't it? I think it can. Are you talking about a soul patch? No! Wait. Maybe.

Um-- Okay. The city of Washington was built on a stagnant swamp... some 200 years ago and very little has changed. It stank then and it stinks now. Only today, it is the fetid stench of corruption that hangs in the air.

Everybody Dance now

Simpson, this is Sylvia Winfield. That canine of yours is in my pool again. I'm calling the dog warden right now !

How do you explain the culottes, boy? Well, I have to coordinate. Your mother and I have been thinking about giving the puppies away! No! Mainly your mother.

I'll work midnight to 8:00. Come home, sleep five minutes eat breakfast, sleep six minutes, shower. I have ten minutes to bask in Lisa's love. Then I'm off to the power plant, fresh as a daisy. Oh, my God, she killed him.

I've got an idea, Mr. Simpson. Why don't you get somethin' to eat from our food truck? - Hey! - M-Mr. Simpson?

unless something isn't okay. Turn that off, Homer. It can't be turned off. But it, uh, does break easily. Now this next one's for the ladies.

Now batting for Darryl Strawberry-- Homer Simpson. All right! Yea! - Boo! - Boo! Boo! Huh? Ugh!

Aw, they're not so tough. Chief, that wasn't a monster. That was the captain of the high school basketball team. Uh, yeah, well, he was turning into a monster though.

We'll have fun, won't we, kids? To get to Duff Gardens, I'd ride with Satan himself. That's the spirit. See ya tonight. Good-bye, Dad. Don't eat any solids. But I love solids. Won't be any fun without ya, Dad. Yea!

Hello, Bart. Mom! Dad! Your family can't help you now. Oh, no, Dad's been drugged.

and then break my heart. Lisa, welcome to love. It's full of doubt and pain and uncertainty, but then one day, you find a man you love so much it hurts. Who is he?

just thank heaven everything worked out for the people we care about. Ach! Ingrates.

because I would hate for you to think that what I'm about to say... is based on emotion. But you, sir, Huh ? are a baboon ! Me ? Yes, you ! Baboon, baboon, baboon, baboon ! I don't think you realize what you're saying. Baboon !

Put on a pot of coffee, drink it and start making burgers! Some anniversary this is.

Finally, Smithers, a device worthy of storing my top secret enemies list. - I'm ready, sir. - Number one, the Kingston Trio. Number two- Unauthorized user! Access denied!

Whee! I love America! Abe, supper's on! We had to move out once we'd filled the hat with garbage. The end.

Ah, I guess I'll just go and watch some cartoons. No ! I'm sorry about the dinners. I'll make up for it tomorrow night. Who's up for some cartoons ? No one ! All right. Hey, tomorrow night, how about making some of your patented pork chops ? Hmm, sure. Oh, dear, I can't.

This is all Lisa's fault. She started the stupid U.N. club.

Can you spare a dime Half a million boots went sloggin' through hell I was the kid With the drum Empty. Bah !

I have to go. California, here we come! It's not A real car, grampa. "Allen gins-burgers"? "Un-American Cheese Sandwich"? "Polio Dogs"? It's clever how the names remind you of thE '50s,

We shot this at 4:00 in the morning, and the crew was getting a little cranky. You can never get enough takes for Steven Soderbergh. Always wants more rehear-- Aaah! I hope you enjoy these German sausages.

But you do, don't you, Marge ? You do, you do. You've been squirreling it away, saving it for a rainy day. That's what you said, right ? Homer ! Dad is taking this in a less-than-heroic fashion.

Take my picture with the Internet Mama Luke.

Those in back are virtually inaccessible. Well, it's a moot point as I have only one tie to begin with. I believe I'll pass. Have you sold that tie rack yet? - No. - I'll take it.

Look at me! I can juggle! - Uh, Simpson. - Aaah!

I can't believe he dumped me. In my movies, this is where I would go berserk.

They'll all be sorry when I invent the world's best-tasting cola and share it with no one! (CHUCKLES) (LAUGHING MANIACALLY)

I am a robot. Do what I say. I am a washing machine. Do what I say.

Okay. Baldy boy hits wire, head comes off,

Oh, no. It's happening. Uh-oh.

He's worse than Frankenstein or Dr. No You can't upset him even slightly He just smiles and nods politely Then goes home and worships nightly His Leftorium is an emporium of woe F-L-A Don't yell at Ned

I'll go, disguised as you. What if he wants to hold hands? I'm prepared to make that sacrifice. - What if he wants a kiss? - I'm prepared to make that sacrifice. What if he-- You don't wanna know how far I'll go.

Pleasure doing business with you. Anytime, chum... p. All right, where would you kids like to eat tonight? The Spaghetti Laboratory! Face-Stuffers! Professor V.J. Cornucopia's Fantastic Foodmagorium and Great American Steakery. Well, what about this place?

I have the same nausea and craving for pancake mix I did with the other kids.

Marge, kids, everything's gonna be just fine. Now, go upstairs and pack your bags. We're gonna start a new life under the sea.

Happy God. Then quit flapping your lip. Yes, sir. Yes, sir. Whoops.

Chili! Red-hot, Texas-style chili! And we got ginger ale! Boilin'-hot, Texas-style ginger ale! Texas! Eww-ahh. Face it, Bart. Our salvation isn't just gonna roll by...

Who knows? I might be the unlucky one who gets fired. Not bloody likely.

Oh, Homer. It's getting late. We'll miss the fireworks. Marge, we've got all the fireworks we need right here. Well, kids, I promised you a little treat in lieu of dinner,

It doesn't seem to matter now. So the following people are gay.

Abso-not-ly, hot Roddy. We're up here out of range of the crashes and the drivers' cussin'. - Move your damn butt. - Bite me.

Out of my way, snow poke. Slow down, Homer. Don't worry, honey. I know exactly what I'm-- Whoopsie. Tap the brakes. Tap the brakes.

Hey, German boy! Go back to "Germania."

Must finish. Well, sir, Homer's illness was either caused by ingesting spoiled food...

Now, class... I promised you a surprise today.

I say, "Yes." I don't check this machine, but I don't own the place, even though my name's up there.

What a great ball game. Thanks, Weekend Dad. Stop calling me that. Hey, kid and man. Don't support a team run by liars. Liars? They're secretly planning to move to Albuquerque. That's crazy. It would've been on a talk radio show like Sports Chat... or Sportzilla and the Jabber Jocks!

Listen, Mr. Big Shot if you're looking for the kind of employee who takes abuse and never sticks up for himself I'm your man! Treat me like dirt-- I'll still kiss your butt and call it ice cream! If you don't like it, I can change! Hold the phone, Smithers. I like your attitude.

Perhaps I'm being too hasty. You are highly skilled... at goofing off! Now, don't worry, Homer. You're the kind of guy I could really dig... a grave for!

The cash register says, "N.R.A.4ever." just one of the hundreds of radical, right-wing messages...

A secret weapon? I wonder what it could be. Hmm... Count me in. I'm there.

Yes! Louie, Louie oh, no

I just wonder how they keep it so fresh after 43 episodes. I can't believe we paid to see a band... with Steve Guttenberg, Calista Flockhart, and Farty the Crippled Robot.

Aw, everybody makes mistakes. That's why they put erasers on pencils. Yeah, Homer's okay. Give him a break. No! Homer is not okay-- And I want everyone in this plant to realize it.

Coming up next, a Canadian couple... who say they are deathly afraid of scorpions. Oh, that stings, eh. Ooh, God! Ow! Ooh! Sting those Canucks.

(LAUGHING MANIACALLY)

Hey, want to go to the airport and leave a bag unattended? It is a good way to meet security personnel. Let's go!

Is everybody happy?

Get off! Get it off! I'll show you, hair! Ow! Ow! Ow! That's my face, you idiot! Idiot? Why you little-- Don't you-- I'll kill you. Homer Simpson, you're under arrest...

No, Mom. He's right.

Uh, please, everyone! Stay away! We don't want anyone to be a hero!

Oh, no! No, no! The George Raft look is dead. I wanted Audie Murphy! If you would just apologize to Louie, you could get your hair cut the way you want. No apology! Not until he admits he's a jerk!

I aint cried like this since I paid to see Godfather /// Here's your baby back. Thanks, Moe. I'm sorry we thought you were a baby-napper. Or worse. Am I right?

Pretty lame, Milhouse. Can I touch it? I've worked too long and hard on this... for you to screw it up now. But it's got my name on it. just stand over there. Over there! Behold the flying machine that will carry me, Phileas Fogg, around the world in 80 days.

dreams such as home ownership, boat ownership and event attendance.

You’re so sweet to look out for me. The public may not see me naked, but you just might.

I'm sorry. If you can find it in your heart to forgive me, send one dollar to Sorry Dude, 742 Evergreen Terrace, Springfield.

Well, I guess it's up to Ralph to stop Goliath. Goliath II is really gonna pay! Get ready to meet the first action hero. Wow.

Not true, but you are welcome to sing... the many beloved public domain carols, such as "Oh Tannenbaum," "Good King Wenceslas," "Jesu, Joy of Man's Desiring." Those suck. They're worse than nothing. I could write way better songs. Go ahead, but don't use A-flat or G-natural. Those notes are owned by Disney.

All right, family. Who can guess what's different about dinner tonight?

I'll be cooking my Lean Cuisine in your kiln tonight! (LAUGHING EVILLY)

Great. Oh, uh, and there was something else. Something I was supposed to tiptoe around-- My divorce. That's it! Whoo-hoo! I'm glad one of us remembered. That could have been embarrassing.

It doesn't sound very tractor-y. Hang on. And there. Now we're talking! - D'oh! - Dad! Go get Lassie! Lassie? I mean Lisa.

But with a little help from Jesus and our fighting men and women overseas... All right. So if I hear you correctly, you're saying America is better than Jesus. Do you agree? Before he can answer, do you? Well, America's not perfect. So America isn't perfect. Is that why you and your son hate us?

Look ! There he is ! Hey, boy, wanna toss the old-- Oh ! Why, that little liar ! I should've-- I was gonna play pickle with him.

I think I know what Springfield wants, sugar. Oh? I've lived in this town for 37 years. I've lived here 52 years. I'm third generation. Sixth. Get out of my town! Listen, darlin', we're just as much a part of Springfield... as the church, the library or the crazy house.

Actually, you see, the doors on Star Trek were not mechanical. We had a stagehand on either side... - who would pull the door open when he saw you approach. - Uh-huh.

Cant we just pretend you’re really a girl? Well, for how long? For the rest of our lives.

Oh, Homer. Are you rounding up immigrants? No, Marge. Apu convinced me that Proposition 24 is a big mistake. All right! Now you've got all the Simpsons behind you, Apu. That's nice, although three of you are below voting age. And I'm not registered.

Well, Marge, we could do worse. How? Uh, some dog could do the operation.

for Mayor Quimby's response. I stand by my ethnic slur! Do your worst, you filthy, pretentious savages!

You're engaged in speculation. I know the law. You can't prove anything. Aaah! You killed me, Bart!

Dear Lord, look at that blimp! He's hanging from a balloon! Marge, uh, can we not land here? Honey? Baby doll? No good! Don't blame me!

Otto, you gotta do something! There's a gremlin on the side of the bus! Hey, no problemo, Bart-dude. I'll get rid of it. No! Oh, no. I just made my last payment.

Well, golly, I'd love to chat, but my son's been kidnapped. You haven't seen him, have you? Caucasian male between the ages of six and 10, thinning hair. Over there. Look, Big Daddy, it's regular Daddy. The chief! Ooh, I suppose I'd best to run!

What's he missing? His pants? A train? Gimme a break!

Damn, damn, damn. McBain. Yes? I'm not gonna make it. Oh, stop talking crazy. just do one thing for me.

Uh, I should go.

Because when all is said and done-- "Prison rodeo... today"!

Well, what do you think? Hmm. I can't believe Mom wrote a book before we did! And it's a little trashy. Mom has expressed herself. We should nurture her. Let's kiss boys! Binge and purge! Rock and roll! You're not gettin' out till we're 16.

- Excuse me for one second. - Of course. Well, that was wonderful. A good time was had by all. I'm pooped. Yes. I should be-- Good Lord! What is happening in there? Aurora borealis. Uh-- Aurora borealis at this time of year...

Your mission is to find the fireworks smugglers... and get them to say something incriminating on this tape. "Hootie and the Blowfish"? Yeah. It's cheaper than blank tape.

Or have they gotten to you too? Hey, hey, hey! Stop it! Stop it! Why are you guys jumping to such ridiculous conclusions? Haven't you ever heard of Occam's Razor? The simplest explanation is probably the correct one. So what's the simplest explanation? I don't know.

Sea hag! Bart Simpson! Bart, are you crazy? You've got to get the old folks home to the old folks' home. No way. They're finally having some fun. How low can I go? That's it.

From now on, I'll be doing the thinking for both of us. Next. Come on, you stupid horse! I got my last ten bucks on you! No, don't look at me! Run! No!

The problem: constant flying saucer attacks. The solution-- And thus the Earth is saved.

Fifty-five ? That's ridiculous ! Sure, it'll save a few lives, but millions will be late !

There's the filthy rat we're gonna kill. And his wife, who sometimes drives my son home from school. Oh, you must be Michael's dad!

Hit him, Carl! You too, Lenny! D'oh! So Burns is gonna make us all go on a stupid corporate retreat up in the mountains... to learn about teamwork, which means we'll have to cancel our plans to hang around here. Teamwork is overrated. Huh?

Oh! Now we'll never catch 'em! I reckon we're safe now. There's the state line. Uh-oh! Rapids!

to all you supergeeks who rocked around the clock to exterminate America's Y2K bugs. Slammin'! Hey, Homer. Weren't you the plant's Y2K compliance officer? Absolutely. Must have been hard debugging all those computers, huh, Homer? Doing what now? You did fix them, right, Dad?

The old make-out place. Hey, a new weather station! I'll bash it good. Oh, it's just no fun without Marge.

Mmm. Foot-long chili dog. It's a sign!

There, there. I think your grilled crayon sandwich was delicious. You only had a pretend bite. No. I'm eating it, look. Mmm. Can you taste the thumbtacks? Aw, crap.

Ah, did you see that jerk? Dropped his notes!

Oh. Oh. Oh, dear me-- Oh, yes. Yum, yum, yum. Homer, my dear fellow,

Can I wear your jewelry ? Sure. Can I get my ears pierced ? No. Can I dye my shoes pink ? Yes. No. Can I paint my nails ? Can we have wine ? Yes. Can I have wine ? No. - Does Bart have to be there ? Can we do it this week ? - Yes. Mr. Bergstrom, may I request the pleasure of your company ? No. Mr. Bergstrom, if you're not doing anything this Friday-- No. Mr. Bergstrom, do you like pork chops ?

And how. Gee, I'd hate to close you down. Maybe we can reach a little, uh, understanding here. I understand. Um, hey, Dad, I-- I think he wants-- Not right now, Son. Daddy's talking to a policeman.

- Uh, you ever see the movie Misery? - Actually, no. Then this'll all be new to ya.

Sleigh bells ring

Doh ! It's no use, fellas. Another comic book has returned to the earth from whence it came. We worked so hard, and now it's all gone.

5f03, hut! Flanders! Flanders! What?

but the girls couldn't wait to show me that tree. Oh, don't give it a second thought. I didn't.

Yeah! I did it! Marge is in the house. Or I will be soon, 'cause it needs some cleaning! Huh? I'll regroup at Red Lobster.

I suppose I would.

Wait! Wait! I got a float too. Listen up, 'cause I gotta explain a lot of it. Boo? Hey, look out! He's nuts! Look out! Out of the way, Baryshnikov! He hit the star player.

Huh? Take him into custardy, boys! Hah! Attempted murder one. Now, boys, what would you say to some Belgian waffles? Actually, I was in the mood for some frittatas.

Oh, geez! I told ya, Bernie-- to guard the bee! But why? Oh, you guys are pathetic. No wonder Smithers made me head bee guy. Uh, it's gettin' away.

Your inner child. Listen. What's he saying? Stay the course, Big Ned. You're doing super. Food goes in here. It sure does. Hey, Moe. Whatsa matter?

But I didn't change Bart's diapers for five years to see him become a Catholic! I thought there was a monster in the potty. Let's go! (GRUNTS)

Perfect mood setter for the end of your freedom. (PLAYS HARMONICA) Lessons by mail, worthwhile. (SOBBING) My baby boy is in jail.

Just the two of us Building castles in the sky (SIGHING) Just the Two of Us. I spent $15 on those dance lessons. Might as well use them. Forward, side, together. Back, side, together. Forward, side, together. Back, side, together.

Now I have four children. You will be called "Stitchface."

You mean..? Welcome aboard, son. I got the job. I got the job! Whoo hoo! Only in America could I get a job. Who was that young hellcat?

Come on, Christmas tree! Okay, who's up for some scrounging?

Merry Christmas, Simpsons!

Sir, what will you do next? I'll get that new hip I've been hankering for. Then, who knows? Beekeeping? Boxing? Bocce ball? The world is my oyster, Smithers. Farewell.

England is so classy. Every cab has its own butler. Actually, I'm not a butler. I had already hired this cab when you got in. But the more the merrier, and all that. (CHUCKLING) Make with the tea, Jeeves. Yes. Very good, sir.

Homer... Simpson. Homer. D'oh, Simpson. Hmm, that seems to be all you can say. When you were in that coma, did you feel your brain getting damaged? The police have such a strong case against Homer. Mr. Burns said he did it. They have Homer's D.N.A.

If they only stumbled once, just gave us 30 minutes to ourselves. But they won't! They won't let me live! Oh, who am I kidding? - I am slow. - Oh, Homie. If you feel so bad about yourself, there's always things you can do to feel better.

Wow! How many home runs you going to hit with that? We play 30 games, ten at bats a game-- 3,000.

She's waking up. Don't worry. I brought some chloroform. Pleasant dreams. There. And there. You idiot! Those are Colorforms!

Must kill Moe. Wheeeee! You! Homer, thank God. You gotta help me here. Oh, I'll help you. Help you die! Waaah! All right, that's it. You're goin' down, pal.

When I get home, there are gonna be a lot of open pickle jars. That one.

My mistake. Stay in the moment. "just promise not to forget me on your dinosaur bone digging-up trip." And that's my cue to exit.

Wow! For free. Surplus drums of mayonnaise from Operation Desert Storm. Brad Goodman is coming to town! Oh, Marge, you and I are fine now. Who needs Brad Goodman? Yee-haw! Yahoo!

All access. - How nice. - You rock.

and they had to close the restaurant. My dad may have gained a little weight, but he's not some kind of food-crazed maniac. Ah! Oh! That's raspberry. Oh.

We're now approaching our final destination, Itchy and Scratchy Land, the amusement park of the future, where nothing can "possibli" go wrong.

I-- Listen carefully, and watch me wink as I speak, okay?

Dad, do you think I'm ugly? What are you talking about?

take the fabulous Troy McClure to be your lawful wedded husband? I already told you yes. If anyone here knows why this couple should not be wed in holy matrimony, let him speak now or forever hold his peace.

with savage beatings and attempted murder?

And you stalled for 20 minutes. Yes. Yes, I did. I was told to. Hey, that's great. But now we must have your answer... in the next 10 or 15 minutes. Ooh. You want some of this? Well, do ya? I can honestly say I do. All right then! For half a million dollars,

Look at all those feminists. You thinkin' what I'm thinkin'? Yeah! Yeah! All right! All right!

Awesome! I'm blasting all the state capitals! Oh, take that, Salem, Oregon!

Oh! Oh! A car impound lot! The impenetrable fortress of suburbia! We'll never get the tree back now.

Here, Bart, you can hold my beer. Homer! What? Good night, honey. Hello, Lisa. Lisa, time for your feed--

Willie? Willie? Whoa! Aha! Come on, people! Move it! I want to see some sweat.

Oh, look at those phonies sucking up to Bush.

I know they look a little silly, but his feelings will be hurt if you don't wear them. Fine. I must say you were right. This has been quite trying. You know, I've attempted to enjoy your family on a personal level, on an ironic level, as a novelty, as camp, as kitsch, as cautionary example-- Nothing works.

Off we go. Hail to the bus driver, bus driver, bus driver hail to the bus driver, bus driver man he drinks and he cusses he stinks up the buses hail to the bus driver, bus driver man.

Call your father immediately. Hello ? Is Homer there ?

So long, suckers! Ooh! My mouth.

Someone set this thing to "evil."

Homie, the waiter's still here. Oh. Right. Thank you, sir. (CHUCKLING) And now, my darling, it's finally time for romance.

Before I was just bored with them, now I wish they were dead.

Oh, it's not fair. I'm not supposed to die now. I'm supposed to die in a foolish motorcycle stunt at the age of 15. Ha, ha! You're not dead yet, you pudgy little pisher. jack La Lanne! Don't worry. I'll save you the jack La Lanne way!

But that's all changed-- thanks to the juice Loosener.

I was making a Monte Cristo sandwich when my crisper cut out. It's not golden brown, it's not brown, it's not nothing. Dang! Oh!

And the number one reference that I am running into the ground is... Homer simpson.

Although I will miss the jury room cold cuts. And the Quality Inn more than lived up to its name... Case dismissed! ...business center, workout room, an honor bar I was honored to use... That's enough. And Peggy in the coffee shop, what a pistol.

Mom, you said I could have one souvenir, right? Well, I want a didgeridoo. That seems very noisy and expensive for a souvenir. Why don't you get this nice cap? It's clever, just like you.

See you tomorrow. No, you won't! Hello, Operator! I'd like to report a really weird island.

I-- I don't think you understand my objection. I'm the president, and the decision is mine. We're Hell's Satans. Besides, I already made our club jackets. Whoa! "Machine wash warm." "Tumble dry." Ooh, la, la.

Oh, no, no! In a tradition that dates back to... founding father jebediah Springfield, every May 10, local residents gather... to drive snakes into the center of town and whack them to snake heaven.

Get out and take your Sacajawea dollars with ya. I'll give you till three. One--

Can you believe it, Bart? We're actually running a comic book store. Looks like our lifetime ban just expired. Sorry! Sorry!

One of the most historically significant fruit presses... in this part of the state-- was based on a German design, but modified for the larger American apple.

Who's up for a merry jig? Uh-- Uh-- Ow! Oh! Who am I kidding? I'm not merry. - I lost my job as an oaf today. - What? Oh! Why are the oafs always the first to go?

Thanks, Lis. You're the best. Look, janey. Cupcakes. Ah, give me that ! Hey, give those back ! Hey, what's the big idea ? That's my sister, man. So what ? So give her back those cupcakes before I knock your block off. Don't, Bart ! He's a friend of Nelson Muntz !

Um, tell me, how you feeling today? Homer... Simpson. Homer. D'oh, Simpson. Hmm, that seems to be all you can say. When you were in that coma, did you feel your brain getting damaged?

Gott in himmel! Who'd have thought a nuclear plant could be such a death trap? It will cost another 100 million just to bring it up to code.

Ow! (EXCLAIMS IN SHOCK) You kids have got to learn that actions have consequences! (GRUNTING) Eat fire, punks! KIDS: Whoa! What the... I'm still cold.

Since he's been back, Milhouse has had three bloody noses and stepped in dog doo. (CHUCKLES) It's always a party with that guy. Well, it's nice you have your best friend back.

Let's see. You will invent a humorous toilet lid. You will find true love on Flag Day. Your store is being robbed, Apu. Are you getting all this, Lisa? I don't know.

and peace of mind is what you shall have. I'd like to buy your deadliest gun, please. Aisle 6, next to the sympathy cards. Hmm. Mm-hmm. - Mmm! - Whoa! Careful there, Annie Oakley. I don't have to be careful. I got a gun. Well, you'll probably want the accessory kit. Holster.

But I didn't do anything. I just passed a bill in three hours. Quit complaining. At last those planes are flying where they belong. That's right. Over the homes of poor people.

Chugalug, chugalug, chugalug, chugalug, chugalug.

I don't wanna pay four bucks to watch some monkey wannabe laying in the sun! But, Dad, lemurs are nocturnal. Don't worry, honey. Daddy will fix that broken animal. No! I'm not gonna hurt him. I'm just gonna wake him up.

Gina, before we get any closer, there's something you need to know about me. I think girls are icky pants. It took a lot of courage to say that. Courage I'm gonna pinch outta you.

Yeah. This is my only refuge from the taunts and accusations of the townspeople. Thief.

BartChat. - Are you Bart? - Sure, I am. I didn't do nothin'. Uh, isn't it, "I didn't do it"? Yeah, whatever.

Hey, what happened here? Uh, he was drinking at Harrigan's bar down the street there. They oughta close that dump down. Yeah. That was a close call. We took this much out of you.

Isn't it sufficient? I thought we had enough money for a good tree. Homer, is there something you're not telling us? ASTROLABE: It is 6:31 p.m. in Montreal. The moon is waxing tonight.

I was only reading what the card-- Homer, I agree with you. And if I'm elected governor, I will lower taxes... whether those bureaucrats in the state capital like it or not ! Lisa, do you have a question you would like to ask your Uncle Montgomery ? Yes, sir. A very inane one. Mr. Burns,

See, Maggie? See the fun box? Do do do do do do Do do do do No! My box! My box! I think we need a new hair dryer. Marge, you must hate me for not taking Mr. Burns's money.

But you've got to trust me. Ah, what the hell.

I can't believe how much we have in common. We're both studying the environment, we're both utterly humorless about our vegetarianism, and we both love the Rolling Stones. Yes, not For their music, but for their tireless efforts to preserve historic buildings.

Mr. Lanley! Aren't you gonna ride the monorail? Little lady, I'd love to, but I have to catch a plane. The ride only takes a minute. Yeah, well, my plane leaves in less than one minute.

What a perfect plan. Now Roger Myers's hotel is just-- And, so, when no one could think of a plan to resurrect Itchy and Scratchy, a young boy-- a wonderful, irrepressible young boy-- took it on his own to solve the problem.

Huh? What? Give those glasses to the bailiff. All right. - And those. - Oh! Your Honor, even though I've proven my client's innocence, I'd still like to call Freddy Quimby to the stand... so that we can all bask in his gentle decency.

Oh, geez! Marijuana. Well, I guess he didn't like you after all. He just smelled your narcotics. Book him, boys. Hold on, Chief. It might be medicinal. Oh, yeah! Medicinal!

On this cable system, we receive over one million channels... from the furthest reaches of the galaxy. You get HBO? No. That would cost extra. And over here is our crowning achievement in amusement technology: an electronic version of what you call table tennis. Primitive paddles have been replaced by an electronic-- Hey, that's just Pong.

Don't worry, Marge. I'll find out what he's up to. Kids shouldn't have secrets. Oh, hello, young man.

Children are important. It'll cost you. Oh, the taxes. They're gonna raise taxes! Come on! All right. That's a good point. Oh, yeah. That sounds-- Oh, yeah, the taxes!

Now I got ya ! Aah ! Aah ! Boy must die ! I love you, Dad ! Doh ! Dirty trick. Okay, I'm not gonna kill you, but I'm gonna tell you three things that are gonna haunt you for the rest of your days.

You want to talk? Go ahead, Luann, talk. Why don't you tell them one of your little bedtime stories, huh? Like the one about how rotten it is to be married to a loser. Or how about the one about how I carry a change purse? Yeah, a purse!

Now who's laughing? Huh? Huh? (LAUGHING) Me. I'm laughing. (LAUGHS)

You're not. Watch. Huh ! But my-- my speed with numbers, my years of service as a hall monitor, my prize-winning dioramas-- these things mean nothing to them ?

There they are! Well, well. If it isn't Marge Simpson and her gangland cronies. Your goon squad certainly gave you the edge in the mobile snack business. But I'm afraid we've outdone you once again. Hiroshi, Yukio.

You folks ready to begin? Uh, I guess. Is this episode going on the air live? No, Homer. Very few cartoons are broadcast live. It's a terrible strain on the animators' wrists.

Thataway, Son! You made your old man proud. I didn't do anything. Aye! They're goin' nuts! Like in those nature films! Yeah. Must be matin' season.

Bart, I don't want to alarm you, but there may be a bogeyman or bogeymen in the house. Hmm. What happened here? Oh, nothing, Marge.

my years of service as a hall monitor, my prize-winning dioramas-- these things mean nothing to them ? Perhaps another demonstration. Huh ! Very well. You have made your point, Bart. Then it's a deal ? Yes.

So you've got to think of a way I can come home for free. Hmm. You could travel for free if you were a stewardess. Well, how badly do you want to get home? All right, all right. How about a courier? They travel for free too.

Okay. I gotcha covered. Mr. Burns may have mastered 2,799 of my 2,800 duties, but I'll wager dollars to doughnuts... he still can't handle a call from his mother. You're on! What?

Twenty on this one, my good man. Sorry, dude. Black.

Oh! I got a bingo! What do I win? A banana. A whole one? Yep. That's the prize? A banana? Their natural mushiness prevents choking and promotes regularity. They're not babies, Lisa. Give 'em something fun-- like cigars or booze.

My God! I've created life. Lisa, breakfast! We're having waffles. Ooh, waffles. Hey, these aren't waffles. These are just square pancakes.

When I was nominated for best supporting performer... in a children's program at the Daytime Emmy Awards...

That's it! Quiet, Lisa. Everyone in the store is looking at you. They should take a good look at themselves and what their church has become! Lisa, it's still the same basic message. We've just dressed it up a little. Like the whore of Babylon?

A storm is coming! I feel it in my bone! Mesdames et messieurs, it appears the Cloud Goddess is ripe with rain babies. We must run for our trucks!

Are you nuts? I can barely get through one show on Friday! Even with the... (INHALING) You know, smelling flowers? Such expensive flowers, filled with remorse. Anyway, we gotta book a guest host!

I thought America was hungry for meaning. I should've just sent a crocodile into space like I originally planned.

Mrs. Simpson! What are you doing? I couldn't sleep knowing that window had a smudge on it. You're here to rest. If you want the window cleaned, just push the call button. Oh, I don't want to be a bother. Wouldn't bother us. It just turns up your morphine.

Kids can be a trial sometimes.

Welcome back, Lisa. I trust you got the homework I assigned. The Wind in the Willows? Oh, yeah. Ralph brought it over. Perfect. Then I won't need to excuse you from the test. Test? Game over, mate.

Yeah. You’re the number one speller in this car... or in that car, or in that car, Or-

We know what you think. Young lady, you're hired.

Maggie, you're such a quick learner. Why don't you learn how to fly? But I love you. (LAUGHING EVILLY) (GASPING)

There was Police Chief Wiggum's father, Iggy Wiggum. Um, if anybody finds a grenade without a pin, that's mine. Our radioman, Sheldon Skinner.

"And he who shall violate this law... shall be punished by catapult." Last time I help you. Sorry. I thought you'd get a fine, or at most, three, four years in jail.

It's just a little dirty. It's still good. It's still good.

I know. And this perpetual motion machine she made today is a joke. It just keeps going faster and faster. And Bart isn't doing very well either. He needs boundaries and structure.

Not so fast! Now, you come down from there, missy! I won't come down till you spare this tree. Hang in there, Laura! It's Lisa!

Go on. While Radiation Dude has a similar, but lamer catchphrase, "Up and let's go!" So you kids fancy yourselves experts, eh? Well, between us we've read all 814 issues of Radioactive Man. Yeah, and we both have a special, limited-edition issue... where he and Fallout Boy get killed on every page.

maybe it'll turn out he was innocent all along. Earth to Marge. Earth to Marge. I was there. The clown is G-i-L-L-T-Y.

Who likes short shorts I like short shorts Those guys are way off. Anyway, your family didn't have to trick you.

I just put a rock in your crummy town. That's a crud rock. It belongs in Crud Town.

D'oh! Oh, Doctor, I'm crazy!

You guys have dates? Hello! Stop saying "hello"! Okay, calm down, Lisa. D.M.Y. What's D.M.Y.?

They fight, they bite They fight and bite and fight Fight, fight, fight Bite, bite, bite The Itchy & Scratchy Show

Yes. Very good. Marge, Homer, I believe your Lisa may be gifted. That's wonderful. But still, can't you do anything for Bart? Marge, he's five. His life is over. Lisa's the wave of the future. Wave of the future! That's right, honey. If you nurture her gift now, there's no telling what she can do.

A whole week of just father and son. See you at dinner.

Solid. The rest of you, go on home and look in your mailboxes... 'cause I totally remember sending checks out. Mm-hmm. Thanks, Bart! You bought us some time. What can I do to thank you? Legalize it. Legalize what?

Well, children, it's the last day of school. Yea! Here are your grades. Oh, no, Mrs. Krabappel. If I don't get a "C" average, my dad won't let me go to Kamp Krusty. Well, it isn't fair to the other children, but all right.

Homer? Homer's not here, Man. Okay, very good. Now let's get on with our... really big show. Ed Sullivan. Shh! First, the award for the alumnus who's gained the most weight-- Homer Simpson! Oh, my God!

8:58. First time I've ever been early for work-- except for all those daylight savings days. Lousy farmers. "To start, press any key." Where's the "Any" key? I see "Esk," "Catarol," and "pig Up."

That's the one. This world is whistles and missiles Bones and trombones Why did you put my name on the sign? It's just a legal thing to protect me. Is your knee really gross under there? See for yourself. Ew! Can I touch it?

Bart Simpson? The spirited little scamp who twice foiled my evil schemes... and sent me to this dank, urine-soaked hellhole?

Happy birthday. Huh? What the--

Bart! Yes. Do you know you have your hands in each other's pockets? It's okay when you're in love... and married... to the sweetest guy in the world! Ahhh. Eskimo kiss! Eew. You guys are sick.

Mississippi queen When I listen to a really good song, I start nodding my head, like I'm saying "Yes!" to every beat. "Yes! Yes! Yes! This rocks!"

Not so fast, two eyes! Come on. Let's slice him open and get our food back. Wait! We're not savages. We live in a society of law. Milhouse has the right to a fair trial. Society blows.

"Y." "Y." So many letters to choose from. I'll pick "Y." "Y." "Y."

Son, that's the stupidest idea I ever heard. And I know exactly who would pay top dollar for it. (DIALING) FEMALE VOICE: You've reached Fox. If you're pitching a show where gold-digging skanks get what's coming to them, press one. If you're pitching a rip-off of another network's reality show, press two.

You sunk my battleship. G-52.

Well, sure is quiet in here today. Yes-- a little too quiet if you know what I mean. Hmm. I'm afraid I don't. You see, bees usually make a lot of noise. No noise suggests no bees. Oh. I understand now.

Guarantee void in Tennessee Just don't look just don't look Just don't look just don't look Just don't look just don't look

Well, I guess it's just you and me, Bart. Mom, after that lame party you threw, I'd rather hang out with thunder thighs here. (GRUNTS)

Hey, now-now that Largo's gone, we-we can play the forbidden music. I heard that.

Uh- Um, "E"- Alex, your word is "rigged"-. as in "This contest is rigged." R-I-G-G-E-D. "Wigged."

There. Done and done.

IN the gaRden of Eden honey don't you know that I love you - in the garden of Eden - baby don't you know that I'll always be true

He's right, you know. Daddy, are you sure it's okay for us to watch cartoons? Mm-hmm. This one's fine and dandy, Roddy. It's approved by a council of Presby-Lutheran ministers. What you making there, Gravey? It's a pipe bomb, Jobriath,

Son, if you can look me in the eye and say you didn't take the collection money, that's all I need. I didn't take it. Why, you little-- How can you look me in the eye and lie like that? Homer, stop that! I believe him.

You Scots sure are a contentious people. You just made an enemy for life! Listen, Mr. Hobo, you may not have laundry to wash, but I do.

Yeah, right, Pops. No jury in the world's gonna convict a baby. Hmm, maybe Texas. Besides, she didn't mean it. It was an accident.

I'm taking you all out for pancakes. ALL: Yay! Yeah! BART: This place looks familiar. It used to be The Leaning Tower of Pizza. They just painted the tower brown.

Mendoza! You want to rent it, sir? Why? I just saw the best part. Ooh. Death by Knockout, Blood on the ice.

Anyway, I want him to go to that animal refuge. Forget it! That elephant cost me thousands of dollars.

Use your imagination. Mmm!

Why don't you let me handle it. Oh, a college boy, eh? Homer, let him deliver the baby! Homey, isn't he beautiful? As long as he's got eight fingers and eight toes, he's fine by me. Oh, Bart! Daddy's little angel.

Oh! Lousy minor setback! This world sucks! Don't you hate carpet stores that charge extra for the under padding? I hate them so much!

It's a big hospital. If you're really Michael jackson who were your last four Grammy dates? Brooke Shields, Diana Ross, Emmanuel Lewis and Bubbles. Shiver me timbers! You are Michael jackson! Can you stay on the line while I get all my friends and relatives? I'm afraid not. Your father needs your help. You don't want him to get a lobotomy, do you?

But I am a public servant, and not permitted to use my own judgment in any way. Then let us take our case directly to the townspeople. Oh, yeah. That'll be real productive. Who do you want to talk to first? The guy in the bumblebee suit, or the one with the bone through his hair? My opinions are as valid as the next man's!

Mrs. Simpson, when you took off, you left a hole in Homer's heart that he's been trying to fill with alcohol for 20 years. God bless ya.

There goes a real sack of crap.

Oh. How was your day, sweetheart? Can you feel the love?

That's what he wore to church! Oh, how convenient! Bart, honey, do you know who did take the money? No. See, son? Telling the truth isn't so bad.

(SCREAMING) Three, four, pick up the floor (SHUDDERS) (BELL RINGING) Time to go home, Bart. You don't understand. I can't go home. You got to give me detention. Look! I fed the gerbil coffee!

(CHORTLING) Lookee here, it wobbles. Wobble, wobble, wobble... Wobble, wobble, wobble... Wobble, wobble, wobble... This table's about as solid as your underlying concept.

Let's rock Do the mental house rock Whoa! Wow! A '50s nostalgia cafÉ. If you won't dance with the doc He'll give you electric shocks Zap, zap, zap Well, well, well. I have never seen such reckless disregard...

We are the knights who say "Ni!" Ni! Ni! Ni!

Well, it seems like if you really care for me, you should come forward. Oh, don't you see? It's because I care for you that I can't come forward. That doesn't make any sense. All right. Then I just don't feel like it, okay? Jessica, you're really beautiful, but you are not very nice. Duh! With the way you're treating me, why should I protect you?

we were telling a story that took place... when Bart was five and Lisa was three. Oh, I know this story. The year is 19-aught-six. The president is the divine Miss Sarah Bernhardt. And all over America, people were doin' a dance called the Funky Grandpa.

localized entirely within your kitchen? Yes. May I see it? No. Seymour! The house is on fire!

Shut up. Listen, fat boy-- No, you listen. This is my wife, and my kid. I'm paying for this delivery. If you wanna stay you give me some respect. Homer, does this mean..? Tomorrow, I'm a nuclear technician!

Oh! We made it! Whoo-hoo! Eat my shorts, Shelbyville! Eat my shorts! Yes! Eat all of our shirts!

Anybody home ? Hi, Daddy. Welcome back, Dad. How's your mom ? Still kind of ticked off. Yeah, Good luck, man. Oh, thanks boy. Hello, Marge.

off with her head

Sherri, Terri. The only thing sweeter than you two, are these stolen cookies. Enjoy. (BOTH GIGGLING) Thank you, Nelson. Thank you, Nelson. (SCREAMING)

- "Thriller." - No.

Oh, he's perfect now, is he ? Well, he's not perfect, but he is very-- No, no, Marge. Don't backpedal. You were right the first time. He's perfect ! Perfect in every way. I'm just gonna go take a walk around the block to calm down. I got a little excited. I'm not perfect, like Ned Flanders.

Keep your voices down, boys. We didn't come this far to get found out. Found 'em! You kids are in big trouble, running away from home like this! But they stole our lemon tree! I don't care what excuse you've got. Nothing's gonna stop me in the middle of this speech. You're gonna-- Lemon tree?

You'll make new and better friends. But, Dad, we're simple people with simple values. Capital City is too big and too complex. Everyone in Springfield knows us and has forgiven us. Homer, I'd be lying if I didn't say that this scares me a little.

I can't believe it ! - Yeah, Mom ! - Whoo-hoo ! I'm a work of art ! Last Supper, eat your heart out.

Yeah. No, boy. You can't drive. You're only 10. You're going hunting. You ever been huntin' before there, Barty? Nope. Something about a bunch of guys alone together in the woods-- seems kinda gay. That is a very immature attitude, young man.

That's it. Oh, Mr. Pigeon, I'd kiss you if you weren't swimming with disease.

Oh! Why does that woman thwart my sporadic interest in my children? Shouldn't Bart and I be able to choose our own religion if we want to? Strange as it sounds, Dad, I agree with you. Huh? Everyone should be able to choose their faith. Just like I chose Buddhism. Buddhism? Well, I guess lots of kids have imaginary friends.

You've already agreed not to sue me for anything. When did I agree to that? You did when I validated your parking. You didn't validate my parking. Check and mate. (CHUCKLES) So Ray does exist? That's right. Now let's explore the improbable series of events that led to this amusing yet tragic farce.

Ehh, I could pull a better cartoon out of my a-- Hey! Whoa! Wasn't that great, kids?

- Ever seen a guy say good-bye to a shoe? - Yes, once. Mr. Scorpio, this house is almost too good for us. I keep expecting to get the bum's rush. We don't have bums. If we did, they wouldn't rush. They'd be allowed to go at their own pace.

Welcome to lecture number eight on the water balloon. Yesterday I asked everyone to think of other liquids you could fill a balloon with. Water? (GROANS) Thank you, Nelson. Anyone else? Hot sauce. Kearney, that could blind someone. You get an A. Mmm. Now for a practical demonstration.

When I give the word, everyone, ever so slowly, open your door and slide out. On the count of three. One--

We better do what he says! Wait! We're now over international waters. Whoo-hoo! We can gamble! Yes!

Failed to check blind spot. Minus two points. You won't be happy till my family thinks I'm a loser, will you? You are a loser, Homer. And we're winners. You gotta learn that. Ooh. Seat belt twisted. Minus one point. Nagging the driver. Minus 10 points for you. Grazed a cone. Minus five points.

There's nothing to chuckle about.

Kids, everything's gonna be okay! Don't panic! Just don't panic! Mom! Mom, you're stepping on my heels and knocking my shoes off! We can always get more shoes. Move, move, move!

Bart! Pull over! We'll stop fighting, we promise! Prove it! Yeah, kiss and make up! We're not quite there yet, but we've opened up a dialogue! Not good enough! Kiss! Oh!

I'm coming! Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Where's my gummi de Milo? Okay, don't panic. She can't have gotten far. She has no arms.

What ya been up to, Lurleen? I spent last night in a ditch. How about that, folks?

That's quite all right. You didn't know. Now if you'll excuse me, I have a performance to give. Good luck! It's bad luck to say that, too! (ALL GASPING) Homie, you're doing a great job driving on the left.

Oh, he sure sucked the fun out of that poem. Please don't make me stay, Dad. I'll do anything you say. I'll find religion. I'll be good sometimes. Let go of my leg. No! Son, for the last time, you're staying at military school. And so am I. This school has everything I ever wanted.

Hey, 'pu, you got a breakfast cereal for people with syphilis? Hands up, scuzbag! No, not you. The smoking scuzbag. Oh, chill out, dude. I'll pay the fine. Not this time, you won't. This is your third strike.

For more information on Grand Funk, consult your school library. Mississippi queen When I listen to a really good song,

Uh-huh. This is the 128-ounce tub. You can fit your whole head in it. Don't be scared, jub jub. It's Mama. I would kill everyone in this room...

Wait a minute, Race. Wait a minute. Wait! Aha! Now I'll bust that pretty face of yours!

What the... The Blue Angels? I thought we were getting Charlie's Angels. (SOBBING) Oh, God! We're going down! I don't want to die next to Kathy Griffin!

In many ways, Maude Flanders was a supporting player in our lives. She didn't grab our attention with memorable catchphrases... Or comical accents.

Sanjay, to the entrance with the Windex.

Grampa's a vampire? We're all vampires. But, no, we killed Mr. Burns. You have to kill the head vampire. You're the head vampire? No, I'm the head vampire! Mom? I do have a life outside this house, you know.

Get out. That-That- Okay. Maybe I can catch a late show of Alice in Underpants... or maybe Put Em On the Looking Glass.

Oh, Homie. Homie, I'm so sorry I doubted you. I bring you love.

- Homer! Homer, wake up! - Huh? What? We need to talk about the marital difficulties we've been having lately. Marge, there's just too much pressure. What with my job, the kids, traffic snarls,

Hey, kids ! I spy Itchy and Scratchy off the port bow ! Hey, down in front. Shut up, boy. They fight, they bite They fight and bite and fight Fight, fight, fight Bite, bite, bite The Itchy & Scratchy Show

Don't tell him you were at a bar. But what else is open at night? It's a pornography store. I was buying pornography.

ShAving my shoulders I'm gettin' it all shaved off Homie, someone's at the door. They want to talk to you about some sort of car accident? Take the kids out back. I'll handle this.

One thing they export is corn. Or, as the Indians call it, maize. Another famous Indian was Crazy Horse. In conclusion, Libya is a land of contrasts. Thank you. Ow. i can't breathe. Please stop him. Oh, I'd like to, but I'm afraid he has diplomatic immunity.

I still feel hot!

Yes'm. Dad, I know you're discouraged, but, please, don't deny the world your fat can. Don't worry, boy. She'll be ready for your Aunt Selma's birthday. I knew it.

"Dear Homer, I.O.U. one emergency doughnut. Signed, Homer." Bastard! He's always one step ahead.

I'm not a genius, Dad. What ? I cheated on the intelligence test. I'm sorry. But I just want to say...

But due to lack of funds, Springfield Elementary is closed forever. Yea! Oh, you're cheering now. But someday you'll-- Yea!

And we'll visit a nudist camp... for animals. But, first, a look at the local holiday that was called... distasteful and puerile by a panel of hillbillies, "whacking Day." Oh, no, no! In a tradition that dates back to... founding father jebediah Springfield, every May 10, local residents gather...

Traitors! Go on and have your pool! I'm fine by myself... right here.

And if I don't? I've heard of a wailing wall, but this is ridiculous! So corny! I'm so sick of that joke!

and tried to force him to apologize to his sister. Uh-huh. And... I said he ruined Thanksgiving. Oh. I see. Best Thanksgiving ever, eh, boy ? Good-bye. Sorry. I'm sure Bart will be back.

Those are locked up safe in my fabulous mansion. And now, lot number 66, a handmade leather suitcase... carried by the Krustofski family... upon their arrival at Ellis Island in 1902. A priceless heirloom and historic piece of "Krustyana." What am I bid?

Hey, you still think we can be friends?

Eat around the banana, Dad. It's just empty vitamins.

Sycamore Avenue. Little newark. Little newark. Crackton. Crackton is the stop. Crackton? That doesn't sound right. industrial Access Road.

Now, this means there is to be no wising off, no face-making and no grass-eating. This means you, Ralph! Yes, sir. Hello, children. Hello, Bart. Eep! Young friends,

Whoa ! Whoa, all right ! No line ! I AY, caramba ! Okay, Lis, turn on the waterworks, babe. Mommy ! I want my mommy !

Get off the stage! We need more power! The shield won't hold much longer!

- Who said that? - Will you stop saying that?

And now, the winner of the grand prize.

"Hell's Satans," huh? I'm watching you punks. Can't hassle us, pig. We're goin' the speed limit. Oink, oink, oink. Yeah, pig. Yeah. Oink, oink, oink.

Then why are you hiding? Come on, Marge. With my rap sheet, they can't wait to send me back to prison. And you can't believe the foul language in that place. So you really didn't do it? Marge, look in my eyes. I swear to you I did not do it.

Second! Well, I vote for Burns's movie. Me too. Now, let's get going. I got a date with Eudora Welty.

Stupid driving test at the stupid D.M.V. where stupid Patty and stupid Selma work!

you Simpson, you idiot! You spent your entire year's budget in a month! Your department's broke! Oh, no! Wait! I think I've got the perfect solution.

Yes. Not the pronoun, but rather a player... with the unlikely name of Who is on first. Yes. Well, that's just great, Seymour. We've been out here six seconds. You've already managed to blow the routine. Sexless freak.

Oh, say can you rock

Eep! Your linen service has broken many promises to us. Laundry bill soar like eagle. jerk. So, you like to sneak into casinos.

Lise, when you get a little older, you'll learn that Friday's just another day... between NBC's Must-See Thursday and CBS's Saturday night Crap-o-rama. Another Duff, Homer? Nah. It's Friday night, Moe. I wanna try something special.

Still dark. Better use the generator.

Well, this was a big bust. Come on, kids. Let's go home to our mothers. Don't give up. I'm sure we'll find something. Come on. Come on! A bottle cap, a shoe, a bar of gold-- anything!

Paintings: Lifeless images rendered in colorful goop.

Something was said. Not good.

Be good to each other ! And the Silverdome... now ablaze with flashbulbs as Hooray For Everything leaves the field ! Of course, the stadium's much too big for flash pictures to work, but nobody seems to care !

Um, do you know what you're doing? Lisa, you don't spend 10 years as a homicidal maniac... without learning a few things about dynamite. Plunger, check. Hard hat, check.

Heaven's gate! I'm gonna be tastin' you on my mustache for a week.

There once was an ugly duckling So you think I'm ugly?

Okay, folks. You heard the recording. Clear out. Quick. Up here.

- Now who wants the second dollar? - I do! - Well, all right. Here. Now-- - I do! Oh, the heck with it. Dollars for everyone! Fortune! Fortune! That man's totally insane.

No, Maggie ! Bad baby ! Keep her away from me, Marge ! She's got that crazy look in her eyes again !

I want you to clear out all the weeds. You do know which ones are weeds ? All of 'em ? Good boy. Now, be careful with these. - I'll be inside watchin' my stories. - Ohh.

All right, Hans, time to go. But he ate my last meal. If that's the worst thing that happens to you today, consider yourself lucky. Are you really allowed to execute people at a local jail? From this point on, no talking.

Now behind that door is Edison's actual preserved brain. Ordinarily, folks, tour groups are not allowed to see it, and, of course, today will be no exception. Now no tour would be complete without a visit to Edison's boyhood gift shop.

Hey! I need those to see! These lenses are perfect. Now I can rebottom those antique Coke bottles.

We gave them our vitamin money. Hey, hey, hey. Shoo, you lousy freeloaders. Come back when you get some parents.

Homie, I can hear you chewing on your pillow. What's wrong? Marge, the boy was wearing a Hawaiian shirt! So? There's only two kinds of guys who wear those shirts-- gay guys and big fat party animals. And Bart doesn't look like a big fat party animal to me.

- Ow! - Oops. I should've warned you.

Don't be a baby, lady just be a lady, baby All I ask is one thing, baby Hello ! Why is there make-out music on ? - It helps me study. - Well, not me.

Whoa! Uh, are you all right, man? Uh, I think so. How about now? Ha-ha!

or whatever the hell you used to do. I want you to be in charge of safety here at the plant. Safety ? But, sir, if truth be known, I actually caused more accidents around here than any other employee. There were even a few doozies no one ever found out about.

You know, Homer, you might want to open those cans before they explode. But the cans seal in the flavor.

The man who framed you is a crooked detective, who I hired. Why did you do that? To find out everything about you so I'd seem like a good father. How could you? Well, all the childless drunks at Moe’s thought it was a great idea. Let's just get some sleep.

Dad, you gotta get us out of here! Use the remote! Huh? Oh, okay. Let's see. Pause. Uh, three. No. FF-- Come on! Hurry, Homer!

jebediah would be proud of you. Why didn't you tell them? Because the myth of jebediah has value too. It's brought out the best in everyone in this town.

But I don't want that. Listen, I'm just gonna get right to the point here. Can I have your buttocks? I mean, if you die. They look pretty comfortable. Yeah, I guess. And are those your original lips?

Dear Log, my brother is still missing, and maybe it's my fault...

Release the hounds.

MacGyver... MacGyver... MacGyver...

Okay. Wedgie! Whoa!

I thought I'd be jumping for joy the day Skinner left, but now all I have is this weird, hot feeling in the back of my head.

when a thousand knives of fire are stabbing you in the heart? I got that right now. Ooh! Bacon! Homer, I prepared a special surprise just for you. It could only be one thing. Psst! The best meat's in the rump.

Psst ! - Grandpa, I think this guy's a little nuts. - Oh, yeah ? Well, General George S. Patton was a little nuts. And this guy is completely out of his mind. We can't fail !

But just remember that both your mom and your dad love you very, very much. Wow, I've never seen Mom so mad at Homer before. I'll tell you a secret, Bart. Every time I'm worried about Mom and Dad, I go to the attic and add to my ball of string.

Well, Dr. Bartley, another mystery well solved. Yes. With the murderer behind bars, London's working girls are free to follow their merry calling. (BOTH GASP) Yet another Sword of Osiris!

Here, turkey, turkey, turkey! Turkey, turkey, turkey, turkey, turkey.

Step back, Mom. It's Bart's turn now. Eat my shorts. Don't have a cow. I'm Lisa, peppy, blonde and stunning. Sophomore prom queen five years running. Go, Lisa! Wait a minute! Whoa, whoa!

Nobody bad-mouths Duff! Ah, a piece a crap. Come on. You're here to make friends. Oh, please. If I wanted to hear mindless droning, I'd befriend an air conditioner. Oh, now he's ragging on air conditioners. Hey, they keep us cool in the summer, pal. Get him!

Well, Seymour, I make superintendent money, which amply covers both food and car. I-- Holy jumping Caesar's catfish!

Mom, I think something's wrong with me. I can't do anything right lately. You're just having a bad day. I had one last week. I burned the roast. My cake fell. And I ran out of butter, so I had to spray the English muffins with PAM. Maybe you're just a lousy cook. Ow! I'll go get the Bactine.

School's out! Up yours, Krabappel! Well, I'm glad the rest of you remembered... that summer vacation starts at the end of the day, not the beginning.

Stop it! Get out! This is my office now! Get out! You too! This is a place of business, not a peewee flophouse! Your orders, sir. Restore my office, cancel all repairs, and rehire that chap who sassed me in the bar.

- (CAT MEWS) - (GRUNTS) Homer, what are you doing? Trying to get a Frisbee off the roof. (GRUNTS) Ow!

Hey, Simpson, I hear your sister dumped Christianity. Who cares? I'll tell you someone who cares. He's got long hair, works as a carpenter, has a lot of crazy ideas about love and brotherhood. His name's Gunnar, and he's dating my mom. Sometimes he buys us beer.

I'm gonna kill you all. Aaah. Aaah. Aaah. Cartoon violence! Cartoon violence!

the worst episode ever! Rest assured that I was on the Internet within minutes... registering my disgust throughout the world. Hey, I know it wasn't great, but what right do you have to complain?

Well, that's it. We've been canceled. I think we can be proud...

Attention, Homer Simpson. You have 10 seconds to explain your actions...

Coming up next, a Canadian couple... who say they are deathly afraid of scorpions. Oh, that stings, eh. Ooh, God! Ow! Ooh! Sting those Canucks. I love this show.

Hey, they're taking our lemons! We can't spare a single one! You just got citric acid in my eye! You'll pay for that, Springfield. Ahh. Some things never change.

Mr. Army Man? I can't sleep without my Reggie Rabbit. Is that some sort of plush novelty? Yes, ma'am. Well, here's a scouring pad. It's just as good.

and maintenance. I'll kill that Mr. Burns!

Well, that's the end of me.

Don't you two have a list of chores to do? Hey, we just took care of that dangerous melon that was threatening our garden. Yeah. We're heroes. But where's our parade? All right. "Open stuck drawer."

Whoo-hoo! Did you see that? I did the deed. Open up! Oh, I'm so sorry. I wasn't looking. Hey, I thought you guys could see everything. No. You're thinking of Santa Claus. Well, I'll be damned. I'm afraid so, yes.

Damn! Dang! Darn! A principal's ransom in stolen goods! Well, sir, who's "ha-ha"-ing now, hmm? I don't know, but he's got lethal tuna breath.

A chocolate husband! Oh, how darling. Help! I can't breathe! Oh! Apu! Oh, you are the sweetest filling of all.

I told you we should have bought more than three bullets. Let's just grab him. Hey! But wait, you can't kill me for being Krusty. I'm not him! I'm Homer Simpson! The same Homer Simpson who crashed his car through the wall of our club?

Oh, no. He wouldn't! All right. Tell me when I hit the sweet spot. Deeper, you pusillanimous pilsner pusher! All right. All right. Defense! Defense! Uh, that's pretty dumb, but, uh-- Extended warranty? How can I lose?

Ah, but Paris would make a trÈs bon site for the next Olympic Games. And why is that?

Now, Apu, Mrs. Simpson claims that she forgot... she was carrying that bottle of delicious bourbon, brownest of the brown liquors, so tempting. What's that? You want me to drink you?

Wow. He went from stinking rich to just plain stinking. Good one, Mom. Oh, you're so bad, honey. You guys shouldn't laugh at him. Mr. Burns has changed. He's different now. Yeah. He's broke. Two in a row!

Hey, you, let's fight. Them's fightin' words.

Hey, Homer. Want a Duff? No, I'd like a bottle of Henry K. Duff's Private Reserve. Are you sure? 'Cause once I open the bottle, there's no refund.

I cleaned out the garage and lost 50 pounds. (LAUGHS) (SIGHS) Ah! Hmm. It seems a shame to chuck out these cross-country skis. Mmm. I'll keep one.

There's gum in my hair! Mom! Someone threw gum in my hair! Are you sure? Maybe it's just shampoo. That washes right out. No. It's somebody's gross gum! Get it out! Ow!

What? Come and get your diploma. Why don't you mail it to your butt? Bart, now that you've graduated, I can finally say this. You really press my cider. (ALL GASP) (MUSIC PLAYING) Yo, Bart, good to see you're back with Jenda.

The thing about huckleberries is... once you've had fresh, you'll never go back to canned. Uh-- Uh-- So anyway, I kicked the guy's ass.

You're not Seymour Skinner. Skinner! Skinner? I'm Skinner.

just remember, Son-- whatever happens, I'll always love you. As? As? As a father. A father. Regular father. Whew.

Take that, you dumb squirrel ! Where do they get their ideas ?

No ! Ignore the boy, Lord. Now, Can the chatter, and bow your heads. Dear Lord, thank you for this microwave bounty, even though we don't deserve it. I mean, our kids are uncontrollable hellions. Pardon my French, but they act like savages. Did you see them at the picnic ?

Look. It's Mister Cashew, the Koobler Dwarves, Snip, Krinkle, and Poof. Twinkle the Kidd, I love you. Whoa, easy there, partner. (GROANING) Uh-oh.

What? Just 'cause she smooched you? Was that special? (SOBBING) No! (SOBBING)

There. Better than new. Now to take her for a test toast. And-- What the--

He said to his disciples-

You're not. Watch. Huh !

judgment Day is upon us.

I'm sorry, Dad. You're fired!

Wow. I'll never drink another beer. Beer here! I'll take 10. And now, to announce the winners.

These are speed holes. They make the car go faster. Oh, yeah. Speed holes!

Okay, Lisa, I've got Furious D across the board, boxed with the three and the eight and wheeled up and down. Mom, I think you might be developing a gambling problem. Hey, I'm watching you. They're tightly bunched as they round the far turn.

(SOLEMN MUSIC PLAYING) Okay, God. I bumped off the love of my life according to your divine whim. Now release me from this ghastly vocation. MALE VOICE: No! Come on! All right.

You two, stop talking and resume the lima bean harvest. When we got married, you promised me my harvesting days were over.

I'm an orphan. I'm a legal guardian. (PHONE RINGING) How can I be a parent? I break my teeth on ribbon candy.

I don't have any bananas. Come on. You're holding out on me. I'm sorry I called you a baboon, Dad. Think nothing of it.

"Chef Lonely Heart's soup for one."

Okay, curtain puller. This is your moment to shine. Oh, it's too important. I'll do it for you.

Now, your pills have become very expensive, and no one gives a rat's ass about you. So after a lot of thought, we decided to let you go cold turkey.

Let's punch and kick them! Not so fast! Uh-oh! He's got a Daisy! We'd better scram. Eighteen more pumps, that could break the skin. Hey, thanks, Moe. And that's how a troubled, young Moe saved the day. Moe, what are you doin' here?

I heard a witch lives there.

Okay, i hear that. i hear that, dudes! You too, Gracie music dude! Guh!

Are you sure the children will get enough nutrition from these pretzels? Yes, I am sure. Sure as sure can be. Oh, my God. What happened to your fingers? Boating accident. I believe it was a "boaking" accident. I have to go now.

Now, let's welcome the first of our two finalists, Lisa Simpson. Ladies and gentlemen, I have a confession to make. I didn't have my usual songwriter tonight. So, I took a stab at writing my own song. Something that expresses what's really in my heart.

and that is a phony kidnapping. Yeah, right. I don't know. Maybe I should just leave town. Phony kidnapping.

Awesome! So long, suckers!

Now we're talking! - D'oh! - Dad! Go get Lassie! Lassie? I mean Lisa.

Hmm. "Thank you in advance for a world-class meal. You're an inspiration to our entire organization. Thank you again. Bart." Oh, what a lovely gesture.

Sir Ian McKellen! You're my favorite Shakespearean actor. Thank you, my dear. Please take these free tickets to my play. What? What play? We thespians believe it's bad luck to mention the name of this particular play out loud. You mean Macbeth?

You told me with the way you slump your shoulders, the way you talk into your chest, the way you smother yourself... in bargain-basement lime-green polyester.

I'm so honored that Springfield has been chosen to host all these upscale chain stores. I guess this makes us yuppies, huh, Homie? Nah. I'm really more of a slacker.

Oh, yeah. Well, Bart, any last requests? Well, there is one, but-- Nah. No, go on. Well, you have such a beautiful voice. Guilty as charged. Uh-huh.

Door ajar. The indignity.

Hey, how come you guys got better chairs than me? - It's a secret. - Shut up. Hey, you guys want to go bowling tonight? Nah, we're busy. Yeah. We got, uh, things to do.

My chair! It's... got a mind of its own! - Help me, Mr. Spock! - Shazbot! My captain is in peril.

(HUMMING) Mom, the reason God invented deadbolts is to keep people like Nelson out of your house.

How about now? Hmm. Homer's Odyssey. Is this about that minivan I rented once? No, Dad. It's an epic tale from ancient Greece. That minivan had the biggest cup holders. And change slots for every coin, from penny to quarter.

(AIR WHOOSHING)

Technically, it's a toxin. Mmm. Okay, here's the drill. A rogue elephant, played by my old friend, Stampy, is about to crush sweet, young Milhouse. Then you run up and save the day... by saying Stamp/s safety word, mogambo!

Yes. Well, that's just great, Seymour. We've been out here six seconds. You've already managed to blow the routine. Sexless freak.

I need something for show-and-tell. just take one of my geodes. The rocks on my desk. No, that's a trilobite. That's petrified wood. Bart, that's a bran muffin!

Mr. Simpson, these exotic items are suspiciously different... from your usual order of beer and pork. What gives? Uh, nothing, nothing.

What else is on?

And-- What the-- Look at that! I'm the first non-Brazilian person to travel backwards through time. Correction, Homer. You're the second. That's right, Mr. Peabody. Quiet, you.

- Did you label the meals so I can tell which is which? - Yes!

The trick is to blot the oil. Wiping just pushes it around. You’re preaching to the choir, man. Now, life is hard. Am I right? - Oh, yeah. - ts hard, all right. Wrong! Life is easy! You suck! You have to take life. You have to grab it by its little bunny ears and get in its face!

Ahh. Good times. Is it really worth risking your lives just for some sugar? Dessert's on. - I steamed some limes. - Godspeed.

Maybe this family would be better off without you!

...and she goes "Lisa told Hoover to shove it." And I'm, like, "No way--" Hey, Lisa, man. I'm, like, so impressed. When I was in second grade, I was all "I'm so good." Want a smoke?

Try my Rice Krispie squares. They are wasabi-infused with a portobello glaze. And you can buy them at the airport.

If he doesn't have fun, he could easily slip right back into sobriety. (SLURRING) Don't worry. If I feel the urge to sober up, I'll just talk to my sponsor. Drink or I'll die!

'Cause every girl crazy 'bout a sharp dressed man

I'm Dave Shutton. I'm an investigative reporter who's on the road a lot, and, uh, I must say that in my day, we didn't talk that way to our elders. Well, this is my day and we do, sir. All right ! We eat tonight ! Wait a minute.

Hmm. April Foo--

You people are pigs! I personally am gonna spit in every 50th burger. I like those odds. In a moment, we'll look at the courageous Korean gymnast, Kim Huyang, who made a perfect dismount on what was later revealed to be a broken leg.

Hmm. Oh, Aunt Selma. Always good for a Fin. Whoa, here we go.

It's time to take out the trash. I'll get you for this, Midler!

Yeah. No cord at all on those. Hey, game's on! Hey, we were watching that! Come on! Unless you're being ironic, turn that off now. I'm glad you ain't around to see what a mess I made.

Ren and Stimpy do it all the time. Yes, they do, and when was the last time... you heard anyone talk about Ren and Stimpy? Children, your father and I have fed you and clothed you, but we've neglected something more important. It's time to learn about love. No need, Mom. We already learned in school. This is Fuzzy Bunny.

One, two, three... Ventnor Avenue. And while on Ventnor Avenue you'll be staying at the fabulous Hotel Lisa. A valet will be around shortly to park your thimble.

Artie Ziff shocked investigators today by turning over a second set of books detailing his own financial culpability and exonerating stumbling, bumbling boob Homer Simpson.

Where do you think? This baby never steers you wrong, and it was free! Free. It certainly has enriched our lives. Wow. "Win a trip to Washington, D.C. All expenses paid. V.I.P. tour."

See, Maggie? The ocean is just like a bathtub. Except instead of rubber duckies, it has barracudas and moray eels.

Mini toothpaste. Splendid, Batsy. You've done it again.

I didn't say stop. (CONTINUES SINGING DRUNKENLY)

Fritz, you idiot! I didn't order a baloney sandwich! I ordered an abalone sandwich! I don't know what Mom's thinking.

And such lovely children you have now. I'm more striking than lovely. You come with me. Come with Luigi. You don't want to sit with the rest of the scum. - I only consider you scum compared to Krusty. - Well, right. I can see that. I'll have the cannoli. You see how you scum.

Do you hear that, you morons ? This is why we're getting killed in the marketplace ! Instead of listening to what people want, you're tellin' em what they want.

Is this what I’ve come to? Fighting over a stupid sandwich on my daughter's big day? Mister, I'll take that carl Hey, that's-a nice!

Oh, yeah! Yea! Eat, eat, eat! Eat, eat, eat! Eat, eat! Ahh.

Leonard Nimoy? What are you doing here? Wherever there is mystery and the unexplained, cosmic forces shall draw me near. Uh-huh. Hey, Spock! What do you want on your hot dog? Surprise me. Take a look at this, Lisa. You don't see any "Homer Is A Dope" T-shirts, do you?

You do ? I really do. I'm not saying that. I mean it. You got color in there. - You're not Roman, are you ? - No ! Look like a god, sort of. Why don't we step into the credit office, Zeus ?

Best eight bucks I ever spent. Bart, your grandpa's on the phone. He wants to wish you a happy birthday. Isn't that nice? Take a message. Right now, I'm off to hit 46 local merchants for free birthday goods and services. I'm here for my free birthday sundae. Eat it and get out.

Are you with the bride or groom? Right this way. Folks, if you could just stop cleaning each other for a second. Wait. Wait, Marge. I can't find your father.

What the..? I'm afraid their reaction is understandable. Bart is the shamus in short pants who sent me to prison. Your new boyfriend here framed Krusty the Clown... for armed robbery. If some snot-nosed little kid sent me to prison... the first thing out I'd find out where he lives...

J You aint never caught a rabbitJ J And you aint no friend of mineJ N Well? What do you think? Uh- You rock, Homer. Really?

Give Grampa a chance. Statistics show that old people drive... at least as well as sleep-deprived apes. Please, Son.

(MARGE SCREAMING) (SCYTHE SLASHING)

Yeah, so last night, I was closing up the bar... when some young punk comes in and tries to stick me up. Whatever did you do, Moe? Well, it could've been a real ugly situation, but I managed to shoot him in the spine.

Guys, believe me. I didn't mean to get you expelled.

Hey, you're right. I am. And as an adult, you'll be needing comprehensive insurance. I'll just leave these brochures. So how can I get my shirts in stores? I bet you could find a distributor at the Springfield Novelty Expo. That's right! It's tomorrow!

Neddie, you're tossing. What's the matter ?

Ahoy, ahoy. Ahoy. Hello. Mr. Burns? This is your mother. No! Oh, hello, Mater.

Whoa ! Wow ! A big ugly head ! doh ! Actually, son, it's a big ugly Olmec Indian head. It was carved by Mesoamerican Indians over 3,000 years ago. This gruesome customer is Xtapalapaquetl, the god of war.

You're not going to school today. Today your classroom will be the Capitol City Amphitheater. Your teacher-- four dozen rock bands. So get ready for some well-supervised craziness... while you rock out with your father! Whoo-hoo!

Look, janey. Cupcakes. Ah, give me that ! Hey, give those back ! Hey, what's the big idea ? That's my sister, man. So what ? So give her back those cupcakes before I knock your block off. Don't, Bart ! He's a friend of Nelson Muntz !

Bingo. The gunman has a name-o. Chief! Chief!

Mmm. Oh, yeah. It's Homer! I don't know what you see in that ugly meatball. Uh-huh. If you like being pawed by something fat and lazy we could get a cat. It would leave less hair on the couch.

Look! Achy Breaky Stacy for $1.99! Live from the Improv Stacy's only 89 cents. Ew! Hey, mister. What's in the box?

Now, remember, we're in the Itchy Lot. We're now approaching our final destination, Itchy and Scratchy Land, the amusement park of the future, where nothing can "possibli" go wrong. Uh, "possibly" go wrong.

Aw, isn't that cute? He's trying to claw my eyes out.

Well, I'm touched by your honesty.

But I don't like this clown. Uh, I wouldn't take it down if I were you. It's a load-bearing poster. Now, this is a room with electricity, but it has too much electricity. So I don't know. You might want to wear a hat.

So be it. Kill the dorks! Bash their butts! Kick their shins! Kill the dorks! Bash their butts! Run away!

She wants you, Homer. Go for it, Homer !

What do you call that? - A lean cuisini? - Wrong. When my man and I shop for wedding gowns We were mocked and shunned and pushed around But yesterday, we found a place to be gay

Only babies and ex-junkies are afraid of needles. Stick me, Chuckles! (WHIMPERING) Can I have a lollipop? Well, that just leaves Bart. Don't forget Maggie. Oh, I got her when your heads were turned. Got her good!

I'll never outrun them in a museum. Pull over, you maniac. No!

Food goes in here. It sure does. Hey, Moe. Whatsa matter? You no talka with your accent no more. Mamma mia.

Every day I pray his DNA ain't genetic (ALL CHEERING) Damn, this ride is pimped out. Yo, downstairs I got a wax museum of famous movie monsters. Check it out, if you want to get your fright on.

Mom, romance is dead. It was acquired in a hostile takeover by Hallmark and Disney, homogenized, and sold off piece by piece.

(WAILING) Tragedy climbed a ladder last night as 10-year-old Bart Simpson was snatched from his bed, his chocolate milk dreams cut short by kidnapping fiends.

Our nonstop flight to Tahiti will be making a brief layover in North Haverbrook. North Haverbrook. Where have I heard that name before? Oh, no. Oh, no!

Is I.P. Freely here? Hey, is there a Butts here? Seymour Butts? Uh, Homer Sexual? Mike Rotch? Uh, Amanda Huggenkiss? Uh, Hugh jass? Ivana Tinkle? I'm a stupid moron with an ugly face and a big butt,

Touchdown! It is done. The Washington Redskins win Super Bowl 26! You love Dad. I suspected as much. Yes! She loves me, she loves me.

Uh, a little help here? Even if we sell the house, we still don't come close to paying off the mortgage.

Uh-oh! Radiation. Duck and cover! Cool. Bart! Oh, my God! Lisa!

It's terrible-- all the traffic lights are out. Driving sure is dangerous. Yeah, tell me about it. I got some yuppie jerk-off headed right for me, yakkin' away on his cell phone. Huh! I hear that. I got some big shot barreling down on me.

It's quite simple. When a parent's life is in danger, a child can summon superhuman strength.

Is this the one with the lazy sperm? Mm-hmm. Ah, Simpson, you big, virile son of a gun would you like a check for $2,000? Would I! All you have to do is sign this form. I'm not signing anything until I read it or somebody gives me the gist of it. Ooh. All right.

Ah, the old number 22. Clean, reliable public transportation. The chariot of the people. The ride of choice for the poor and very poor alike. Sure, some folks prefer-- Are you gettin' on this next bus, kid? Yes. Taxi! - V.D. clinic. - Look!

Mmm, engine-block eggs. If we can keep these down, we'll be sitting pretty. - That's them! - Quiet. I can't hear the eggs. Hey, it's morning, and Mom and Dad aren't home yet.

I'll figure it out. I'm gonna use all the power of my brain. Look, Smithers! Garbo is coming! Uh, yes, sir.

Oh, my juice Loosener's never gonna come. - Hey, Dad, this came for you in the mail. - Whoo-hoo!

Now dance, you heavenly gobs! (IRISH MUSIC PLAYING)

Homer, say something. Okay. Lisa, quit getting in the way of your wealthy brother's peas. Oh, yuck. Meat loaf. My most hated of all loafs. That was the end piece! That's it! Being abusive to your family is one thing,

Wow, former president james Taylor.

at the Monty Burns Casino. Homer, they blew that up yesterday. Oh, yeah, right. Then we're goin' to Las Vegas-- Which is actually back in that direction. Nobody's gonNa tAke my Ned

Oh, I could go for one of those right now. Ah! The only hard part is getting up.

It's a piece of a cow. The project. I forgot all about it. Very nice, janie. Good use of pipe cleaners, Becky. Don't open it, Ralph. I'll just give you a C-minus. Yea! - Not finished, Lisa? - I'm finished. I just got to--

You can't spell party without Artie-- If you misspell party... or Artie. Uh-- - How you doing? - Look, it's great to see you, but you should know I'm happily married. Married? Was it consummated?

boring into the rock of injustice. Boring. Boring. Boring.

Say your prayers, Simpson. Because the schools can't force you like they should. Maude, these new finger razors make hedge trimming as much fun as sitting through church.

Eww! Why is this on the floor? And we don't even know whose gun that was.

I will now strap myself into this electric chair, which was deactivated over 30 years ago... and, I can only assume, still is. Uh-oh. We didn't reset the safety switch. He's gonna smell like hot dogs.

Looks like we're in for nasty weather Congressman Wilcox was laid to rest today. A special election will be held next month to fill his vacant seat. I guess there's only one way out of our problems-- a murder-suicide pact. How can you say that? It's just an expression, Marge.

You promised me no more brooms. I know this is not your way. But we're in America now.

Don't trust people in the music business. I'm a privileged boy It's great, I gotta tell ya Privileged boy My dad can buy and sell ya It really doesn't matter that you're on the list in front of me I'm gonna get your table 'cause I always tip the maitre d' And then I'll go to Yale because I am a legacy

No, that's not it. What's his name? "The Man of La Mancha." - Don Quixote. - No! I really think that was the character's name-- Don Quixote. Fine. I'll look it up. Well, who was it? Never mind. Mm-hmm.

It's the next best thing to paying attention to the road.

Well, it looks like we're not going to settle this tonight.

I know you can't understand me but you're a lousy dog and I hate you.

Everything from "change me" to "turn off that damn Raffi record." That's a very clever idea. All I need is a couple of thousand dollars to build a prototype. You'll have your money back in 30 days, I swear. We owe a debt to Uncky Herb.

It's a classic pincers movement. It can't fail against a ten-year-old. Heh-heh ! Nelson's at the arcade, General. Battle stations.

Water under the bridge, eh? Eh? Don't forget the eyebrows. CLARK: Wow, the Columbia River! Now we just ride this baby down to the Pacific and get us some sweet mermaid sex. For the last time, those are salmon!

I don't care. I'm going to Duff Gardens.

Could you use it in a sentence? "Nothing can ameliorate the ineptitude of Principal Skinner."

Okay, take it easy, Betty. Sorry, but these thieves make me so damn mad. You know who you are. Thieves!

Players and V.I.P.s only. I can't believe it. We're actually in the winning locker room. Whoo! I'm going to Disneyland! Really? 'Cause I'm a travel agent and I've heard nothing but bad things.

Has anyone mentioned that Homer doesn't know anything about mountain climbing... and that this is all crazy? Well, yes. A number of people. But don't worry. We're sending two Sherpas along as guides.

like Ariaga, Ariaga ii, Bariaga, Aruglia, and Pizzoza!

What's so funny?

Hey, just a minute. "Loser" is such a harsh word. Couldn't we just say "the boy who doesn't win" ? Oh, man. Fine !

Sorry. Sorry. Boy, it's getting harder and harder to make it here by 10:00. We'll start the tour in a second. I've just gotta check the answering machine. Oh, can't anybody in this town take the law into their own hands?

Hey, give me a slice! Milhouse, do you ever worry that your mom might stop loving you? What? I'm more worried about piranhas.

There's the school! First place, here I come. Look out!

What I'd like to say is we're still looking for the real killers. Anyway, in conclusion, a man cannot be forced to testify against his wife. Stop winking! We'll miss you, buddy. Hey. We just got away with murder. And it was so easy!

He screwed up, but he deserves another chance. Yeah. Everyone makes mistakes. I mean, we'd want another chance if one of us ever made a bad film, right?

Will you be my mommy? You smell like dead bunnies.

Here's what you didn't see. If you watch my show, I will send you this book featuring me... in a variety of sexually explicit positions. What? Oh. Hey! It's not really me. I used a stunt butt.

Now, for breakfast, I'll have hash browns, coffee and a short stack. And would it kill you to heat up the syrup?

Whoa! Nice moves! Look at those poor saps back on land with their "laws" and "ethics."

In a completely unrelated story, Montgomery Burns has just closed a deal... to buy the Springfield Blood Bank. Oh, I'm very excited about this deal. What? Oh. Precious blood. Hmm. Business deal. It sure was nice of Mr. Burns to invite us...

He's totally in my face. Wiggity, wiggity. Word up. Rock on, party. When are they gonna get to the fireworks factory? Can somebody tell me what the hell is going on? Midge, help me out here. Quiet! You're missing the jokes.

"If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all." Will that hold up in court ? No. I've tried it before. Mrs. Simpson, what is your opinion of Dr. Riviera ? And let me remind you that you are under oath ! Hmm ! Well, to be honest, he seemed a lot more concerned...

What the hell. Simpson! - While I'm gone, you're in command. - Me?

I'm always happy to help you, sweetie. Extree! Extree! Man driving erratically throws papers out window! LISA: "Elegy for Geezer Rock. "Postcard image, thing to see, "to think of Springfield is to think of thee.

Come on, Homer! No! Mom! Oh, geez! Homer, just take him to the bathroom. Fine! I don't know why we even have a bottle! Somebody tell me!

This child thinks of nothing... but trendy Hollywood celebrities.

Ew! Ugh! What is it? It's a COW'S heart. They're tryin' to make a monkey out of you! Alison, is this supposed to be some kind of joke?

D'oh! The beer!

Good-bye ! Good-bye, everybody !

Why not? Homie, people in the other elevators can see us. Oh, yeah. Like people in New Jersey have never seen a fat man making out. It's on the freakin' state flag.

You know how a horse goes like this? Mom! I've altered this so many times, it's nearly impossible to-- Whee! Whee! Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom! Lisa, please!

My homework is in your park. Let's do it! Yoink! What does freedom mean to me?

(GASPS) Ray, will you help me fix my roof? Sure, I'll help you. Under one condition. You gotta help me finish this pitcher of beer. Wait. Did I add that right?

Hey, dont we regular fans get anything? Hey, do we tip these guys or what? Wow! ts so fancy. ts like Moby’s house on Cribs. Paint your portrait, sir? Can you paint me knocking out Larry Holmes?

Great story. Positively spellbinding. Work, damn you. Work ! Bart, pay attention ! You may be telling this to your own son one day if something breaks. Ooh. Lost a few. Oh. Well, there's plenty more where that came from.

Oh, isn't that cute. A baby driving a car. And look. There's a dog driving a bus. Hey!

Dad! Shut up, you little monsters! Hello, I was wondering if you'd like to babysit my little angels. Sorry, this isn't Abbie. This is her sister. I look after her now. No, Bart, put it down. Put it down, Bart. Bart, put it down.

I hope he finally gets what's coming to him. But Freddy Quimby's innocent! How do you know? There weren't any witnesses.

Former US astronaut, Homer Simpson, was taken into custody. Oh, my butt looks so huge during perp walks. We've confiscated your car and its contents.

Flanders, I decided I'd like to go to the game with you. Well, get out the Crayolas and color me tickled pink. Ooh, what's with the lead pipe? Were you gonna give my noggin a floggin'? Well, yeah.

- Not me. - You know, I used to think you were some brainiac,

The perfect crime. Homer, where have you been all night? I was so worried. Let's go in the other room. I did something I'm ashamed of. The kids can't hear it. Busted. I'll work midnight to 8:00. Come home, sleep five minutes eat breakfast, sleep six minutes, shower.

say it again say it again okay

Okay, Sideshow Mel, bring out the birthday cake. Hey, kids, while Sideshow Mel mops up, let's see the names of our Krusty birthday pals for today.

We'll have to lighten the ship, which means one of us has to stay behind. Bart? Lisa? Fine. Me. MARGE: Don't worry! We'll be fine! I'm saying goodbye to everything I ever loved. Ooh. A marshmallow! Mmm. Mmm. Boy, when God closes a door, he opens a window.

they'll be blowing their nose with a pancake. They call her the "Cat Lady." People say she's crazy just because she has a few dozen cats. But can anyone who loves animals that much really be crazy?

But somewhere along the road, his hand slipped away from mine. Eh, what are you gonna do? He's not my little baby anymore. Maybe I mother him too much.

How many Krusty autographs do you want? A hundred. done. You're walkin' along the street or you're at A party

Oh, that's it. I give up. You have reached the office of Homer Simpson. If you are calling about the water bed, please leave a detailed message. If you need-- Get back to work!

Yeah, baby! Michael, are you sure these guys are millionaires? Come on. Would a poor person have a bar in his garage? Hey, guys. Stand around me. I can't go with Lenny watching. - So, gotta pee, huh? - Aw, forget it.

- No sighting. - Mm-hmm. Six hours, 19 minutes right ascension, 14 degrees, 23 minutes declination. - No sighting. - Mm-hmm. Six hours, 19 minutes right ascension, 14 degrees, 58 minutes declination. No sighting. Did you get that one, Bart?

Butt out, buttinsky. What would you know about hunting?

If she fails, we're broke. If she succeeds, I have no husband. I don't know what to root for. You don't? I gotta go. Homer? Later, Marge. Lurleen's on TV tonight. I gotta get ready.

Mmm. That's good Billy. Mr. McClure, what does D.N.A. stand for?

that people in small towns aren't quite as dumb as they think. Marge, look! This has spring snakes inside, but the suckers will think it's beer nuts. Mmm. Beer nuts. D'oh! Well, it was a lovely festival. The best movie won, and Mr. Burns found... there are some awards that can't be bought.

Okay, Homer, he's tired! He's tired! Now's your chance! Nudge him! Nudge him!

What's to get? They just tell the scores. Yeah, I suppose. Hey, you ever meet any mob guys? Are they really like The Sopranos? I told you. We just get basic cable. Oh, right, right, right, right. Listen, if I'm getting too chatty, just, uh-- just tell me to shut up. Nah, I'm enjoyin' it. Hey, you ever watch them strong-man contests?

that your dreams will go unfulfilled. Uh-oh. You're busted, Dad.

Okay. Flanders, you see... You soft-core sophomores took advantage of my trustful nature and sullied the Internet by putting pornography on it! NED: Get out! (BOTH GASP)

What's on? It doesn't matter. Open up! Open up! I got to go, and no fooling. Hey, Pop-N-Fresh! You're supposed to giggle. Gyyaaagh!!

Oh, no need for alarm.

wanna know if he loves you So it's in his kiss All right, boy, come on. Today we're gonna-- But is it in his faCe? oh, no, it's just his charm Gonna what, Homer? And Helen Lovejoy-- Sure, she looks blonde,

And now, I give you The Eternal Struggle. Relaxed fit, my Aunt Fanny! Stupid Dockers! Oh. The belt is buckled.

we meet a man who's been hiccupping for 45 years. Kill me. Kill me. But first, we'll examine the growing Itchy and Scratchy mania... with their new movie premiering today. I got my ticket. I'm here live in Korea...

Live from the famous brown sands of Public Beach, Delaware,

Hi, everybody! Hi, Dr. Nick!

Yes, that should stick.

Blue ! Yellow ! Green. Black. Green. Green. I was right ! We'll be right back with more Grade School Challenge...

Oh, those baby ducks were so cute. I can't believe they let us walk right up and feed them. I need to go to the bathroom. We stopped five minutes ago.

It'll be just like The Swiss Family Robinson, only with more cursing. We're gonna live like kings. Damn, hell, as kings.

Really hot! (UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING) Come on, Duffman! Thirty bucks an hour! Oh, yeah!

he spelled "Yale" with a six. I see. Well, I--

Okay, I know the drill. What will it be? One hundred? Two hundred? Two hundred. No, no! I mean nothing. I don't take bribes. Yes, of course you don't.

To avoid an international incident, we'll be returning it... to the descendant of its rightful owner.

Nah. Hmm... Hey!

...Itchy and scratchy show

Homer, this really isn't necessary. Those feelings are normal, Ned. They're part of the process. Watch the sprinkler. Hey! That's my sprinkler. It's natural to feel that way. But the sprinkler is gone. It's time to let go. I just bought that. I know. I know. It's never easy.

Then he joined that cult. I think his name is Mother Shabubu now. That afternoon, we left Bart with my sisters and went house-hunting. Hey, Bart, want a dollar? Ah, ah, ah. You know what I wanna hear.

or I'd have looked quite the fool, an April fool, as it were.

In heaven, you get to do whatever you like best all the time. Cloud goes up. Cloud goes down. Cloud goes up. Cloud goes down. Bed goes up. Bed goes down. Hey, hey!

I hit it! I hit it! My cans. My precious, antique cans. Aw, look what you done to 'em.

That is so sad. Oh, come on, honey. You know how it turns out. After all, you wouldn't be here today if I hadn't become the responsible head of a household. Can we have a can of frosting for lunch? Okay.

Oh, it's just Bart and a mysterious stranger. He's not a regular bum, Mom. He's a genius bum. He created Itchy, and he's the father of cartoon violence. He just needs to stay here till tomorrow.

No further questions.

I don't care if they think you're a coward, Dad. You did the right thing hiding and crying. Yeah. We'd rather have a live sissy mincing around the house than some dead hero any day. Choke on your candor!

Yes. Well, that's just great, Seymour. We've been out here six seconds. You've already managed to blow the routine. Sexless freak. Well, seems as though we're just about at the halfway point, so why don't we call it intermission? Whoa! Don't go too far.

He's stupid! But he won't know where to go or what to eat! Relax. What's the worst that could happen? You shall marry my daughter, Moonhilda. I can't wait to lay my eggs in his brain.

Wait till he steps on this flaming bag of- Lisa's college fund? Sir, we could be in real trouble here. The governmerts found out you dumped nuclear waste under Lego Land. Oh, Smithers, the environmental effects wont be visible for years.

and The Decapitation of Larry leadfoot. For the next 60 minutes, we'll be seeing... actual film of car-crash victims.

I won't drink at Moe's Homer's old garage is all I need I won't drink at Moe's Because Moe's a big jerk and a "she-male" too That calls for another beer.

Conga, conga, conga we love monty burns more conga like you mean it please don't make me shock you Springfield is still swooning... from the whirlwind visit of playful plutocrat Arthur Fortune. Oh! The man has no idea how to behave like a billionaire.

Yeah, you. Uh, yeah. Uh, I was wonderin', do you, uh-- What's your policy on, uh, lunch? Well, let me just say I want to put the "stu" back in students.

Yeah! Yeah. I want to meet the first female stealth bomber pilot. During the Gulf War, she destroyed 70 mosques. And her name is Lisa too. I want to see some birds get sucked into the engines, rare ones. This year I'm making ear plugs out of biscuit dough.

Mmm! No one will ever know. Mail call. Anything good? The George Foreman Mail Sorter will let us know.

Who needS the kwik-e-mart not me forget the kwik-e-mart good-bye to kwik-e-mart who needs the kwik-e-mart

Just OshKosh B'Gosh me And then leave me be To fight for kid power I must be heard not seen I have to lead wisely Not just primp and preen Nails, dimples, ears scrunchie, purse, lunchbox teeth, Milhouse

"I will iron your sheets when you iron out... the inequities in your labor laws."

Get out of Archie Bunker's chair now! Relax. I'm just boning up on the old Constitution. Oh, you're gonna regret that, pinko! Oh, I am so sick of people hiding behind the Bill of Rights! Look! He got chocolate on it!

Good point. Boys, let's see your hands. Mm-hmm. Good. Okay. Simpson ?

Yeah! Yeah. I want to meet the first female stealth bomber pilot. During the Gulf War, she destroyed 70 mosques. And her name is Lisa too. I want to see some birds get sucked into the engines, rare ones. This year I'm making ear plugs out of biscuit dough.

Huh. Nothin' like a depressant to chase the blues away.

She's president of the United States! President "elect." I could've been president, but I'm too real. People can't deal with what I'm laying down. They're just, like, "Whoa, dude. You can't say that." And I'm, like, "Watch me."

Homer. Homer. Make them stop. Uh, Mr. Burns. Mr. Burns. Shut up and wreck something.

So, what do you think, Marge? All I need is a title. I was thinking along the lines of... No TV and No Beer Make Homer-- something something. Go Crazy?

There's Homer. There's Homer too. That's also Homer. That's Homer!

El yoyÓ es grande. ¡Ay, chihuahua!

Here you go, boy. Soup's on. Whoa!

Dad. I mean, screw you! Well, well. It looks like my monkey has evolved into a man. A poor man. Wha-- Oh, why did he have to say that extra thing? Forget about him, Dad. I'm proud of you. Aw, thank you, sweetheart.

Mmm! Delicious! Now, Krusty, I hear it's your birthday, so I got your mother's recipe for matzoh brei. Hey, I don't do the jewish stuff on the air. But, Hershel, bubbeleh-- Ix-nay on the ew-jay. Roll the cartoon. It's so sad that Krusty is ashamed of his roots.

Egad! A maniac cutting a swath of destruction! This is a job for the Green Lantern, Thundra, or possibly... Ghost Rider. - What about Superman? - Oh, please. What the-- Hmm? Come on! Get out! Noodles, Seesaw, Oopsie,

Whoa! Anna, get your radar gun, 'cause that tamale was one tall drink of water. Wow. He should have his foot insured by Lloyd's of London. Oh, you just know what everyone should do, don't you, Marge?

I'd like to remind them that as a trusted TV personality, I can be helpful in rounding up others...

Lisa, the world is a very complicated place. And when you get right down to it... Cannonball! (ALL CHEERING)

Only a moron would jump into that-- Geronimo! Oh, my God! D'oh!

¡AY! No es bueno.

I ought to club them and eat their bones! Well, maybe this film festival could help us. A film biography might let them get to know the real you-- virtuous, heroic, nubile-- You left out pleasant!

It wasn't easy, but I got all the grizzlies. Great. I'll do the pony while you do the lions. Make sure you strap 'em on real tight. Now, step three. Are you sure this is art-- and not vandalism? That's for the courts to decide, Son.

What are you talkin' about? You ate our food! Thanks a lot, Milhouse. Now we're all gonna die because of you. But I swear I didn't do it! Nacho cheese. Get him!

boy! Milhouse. Milhouse, you win. I want this nightmare to end. Leave this place. You are in great danger.

From there, they'll stumble down a sluice of rich, eggy bÉarnaise sauce. - How can we afford it? It's rancid! - Uhh--

Kids, that cartoon's not life-affirming. We're going to watch a show... about the everyday problems of angels. Now back to Good Heavens. Jesus called today.

I charge 50 bucks a day, plus expenses. Anything to trick my daughter into liking me. Now, if you need to reach me, my e-mail is chunkylover53@aol. Chunky lover 53. - ts one word. - One word. - Chunkylover53. - At AOL. Dot com.

Hi, Homer. Since they made me stop drinking, I've regained my balance and diction. Observe. i am the very model of A Modern major general I've informaTion vegeTable animal and mineral Aw, that's nothing. Watch this. There once was a man from Nantucket, who--

But I look so youthful and hunky. The kid's gotta die. But I love my son. More than a lush head of hair? Don't make me choose!

"Due to the likelihood of fear-induced heart attacks, we're offering all patrons million-dollar life insurance policies." Life insurance? Hmm. Will I be able to borrow against the equity? I don't know, sir. It comes free with the popcorn.

He's not my boyfriend. Mr. Burns is. Homer just comes along on our dates and carries us to the bedroom. You're dating that old trilobite? Gross! We're in love, Snake. Don't say that, baby. I'm gonna win you back if I have to pistol-whip this guy all night.

Like bull, you don't. Come on. - Homer, please. You're hurting my arm. - No, I'm not.

Why are you laughing? Hey. They're laughing at your pain. That's mean. Let's teach 'em a lesson.

It's a deal! Whoo-hoo!

Hey, wiener boy... where do you think you're going?

Ah, visual aids help so much. Thank you. But first, there's a burning issue that we need to address... and neutralize immediately. Dah ! I hate that fish. Thank you for watching Movie for a Dreary Afternoon. Please stay tuned for a paid political announcement... brought to you by the friends of Montgomery Burns.

All right, I'm gonna make a little deal with you mugs. I'm gonna let you all out to see my team play the hockey game... if you promise to return to your cells.

No, I was just grabbing a gummi Venus de Milo that got stuck to your pants. Yeah, right. That's the oldest excuse in the book.

Hey, these aren't waffles. These are just square pancakes. Oh, I'm sorry, honey. The waffle iron's in the shop. That waffle iron's been in the shop forever.

Homer and Ned, you may now kiss your brides. Give it to me, baby. Homer! It's okay. We're married! You and Ned married a couple of floozies? Marge, I'm sorry. But it wasn't my fault. Liquors drunkened me.

Got him. Uh, listen, Homer. Uh, hate to be a fussy Freddy and all, but Maude's folks are here, and, uh, they're a tad touchy about odors. Then you might want to close your windows before the sun hits Diaper Hill. Look, Daddy. I'm the king of the mountain! Rod, get off of there!

Usually when there's a jailbreak, there's electricity in the air, like the calm before a summer storm. Or right before a heavyweight fight. Mine's more poetic. (GROANS) Now, where the hell are they? PRISONERS: Kill the rat! Kill the rat!

Nudge him! Nudge him!

All right, Son. We're about to embark on our most difficult mission. Let's bow our heads in prayer. Dear Lord, I know you're busy, seeing as how you can watch women changing clothes and all that. But if you help us steal this grease tonight, I promise we'll donate half the profits to charity.

On the good ship lollipop it's A sweet trip to A candy shop where bonbons--

We now return to Son of Satan! Everyone has a child but me. Cheer up, sis. There's a dented can sale down at Tregman's. (GROANS) This is one problem damaged food can't solve. Wow. You really are down.

suggesting it's not just southpaws in this rampaging mob. Ohh! Start looking in the back. Meantime, Springfield bowlers will be happy to hear... that the Bowlarama is back in business at its new location,

Is only a motion away Oh, little darling of mine I can't for the life of me Remember a sadder day Look, Mom! Look! I'm riding by myself!

Hey, how 'bout we open a fancy restaurant, and when people check their hats and coats, we steal them? Why do you come to these meetings? Free water.

Rock and roll is supposed to be about peace and love. - Who said that? - Will you stop saying that? - Simpson! - S h h _

This is your alien! Hello, children. I bring you love. It's a monster! Kill it! Kill it!

I bet the eight ball didn't see that one coming. Yeah. Marge... where's that...

Boy, swipe one pair of Haggar slacks, and you're payin' for it the rest of your life. I finally got around to reading the dictionary. It turns out the zebra did it.

A good time was had by all. I'm pooped. Yes. I should be-- Good Lord! What is happening in there? Aurora borealis. Uh-- Aurora borealis at this time of year... at this time of day in this part of the country... localized entirely within your kitchen? Yes.

See? It all works out. I'll give you three crayons and my milk. It's a good offer. I advise you to take it. Mmm. Make that a chocolate milk and you got a deal.

not gonna teach forever Gonna give showbiz A try Try I didn't think it was physically possible, but this both sucks and blows. That'S famE

(WHIMPERING) Is this thing hurting you? Hmm. (CRACKLING) Ahhh!

"Drunk Cop"- Is that you? No. Look lower. Ooh, pie. What can I do for you? My name is Homer Simpson and I desperately need your help. Let me guess. ts about a girl. How did you know? ts always a dame.

will be closing forever due to a lack of interest. I urge you to see it while you can.

- I'll write it on my hand. - Oh! Including all known lanthanides and actinides? Good luck. Come on, guys. Look at yourselves! All you do is study. I'm gonna show you the true meaning of college.

A, B, C, D, E, F, G How I wonder what you are Thank you.

You with the crane, spin around real fast. Now, you, dump three tons of sand onto that Porta-potty. Hey, can't you tell my voice from a 10-year-old kid's?

Lisa, it's not like you have a choice here.

Choo, choo, choo, choo! Woo-wooo! And I shall rule the "down under-verse!" We'll see about that, mate.

He was my world.

I'm afraid so, yes. Ooh. I am Homer Simpson-- Silence, sinner! Prepare for an eternity of horrible pain! Oh, no! Oh!

Homer. You're, uh, on the towel rack.

Get rid of a bird? No way. Their eyes are so expressive. Fool! You’ve learned absolutely nothing from my one-hour class.

Well, he'd better. Or else-- Or else what? Oh, right. The ice pick.

Think smaller. Think more legs. Ugh.

Santa Claus is dead. (SCREAMING) Or he might as well be because there's an even fatter man who's holding families at nice-point. Homer Simpson, seen here in this retouched photo! (GRUNTS IN ANGER) That Homer just burns my waffles. Pain is the cleanser! Pain is the cleanser!

Bart Simpson, I know you cut school yesterday. And as soon as I can prove it, I'm shipping you off... to the Christian Military Reform School.

Go to hell! Go to hell! Hey, once again, great present, Dad. Uh... uh... My third husband bought me this. Give me some chips for it.

Whoa. Ooh. Oh, yeah. Can I have money to buy Bart a birthday present? Money. Dad, this is $110. Oh, Sorry. That's righteous. Funky See, Funky Do will be back to lip-synch one of their hits right after this.

Dibs on the crotch. Aww!

I'm glad you understand. Well, this is a lovely gesture, but... we still have to face the fact that I'm not really Seymour Skinner.

Fight and bite and bite Fight, fight, fight Bite, bite, bite You know, some of these stories are pretty good. The itchy & Scratchy Show I never knew mice lived such interesting lives. So much needless brutality. I don't know if I'm having any impact at all. Don't do that ! Don't do that !

Bart Simpson! How many times do I have to tell you, no talking? Report to the principal's office! But-but-- I wasn't-- And here. Take this with you. Mrs. Krabappel, Bart has something he wants to say to you. I won't say it! Bart! Oh! I love you, Edna Krabappel.

Amen. Next on the Springfield Death Tour... is the home of Marge and Homer Simpson, also known as "H-Diddy and his Murder Ho."

Yeah, and your father's no house. Now, scram. (GROANS) Maybe I was a little hard on him. Oh, well. Bart, I know a father has no right to pry into the life of his 10-year-old son. But what's going on up here? I'm just spreading the Playdude philosophy. Hi-fi's, Norman Mailer, getting some. Uh, um...

Uh-oh. Sorry. Let me just get my girlfriend, and I'll go. Hey, Crystal, wake up! Telegram.

Whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. This movie’s turning into "SpongeBob NoPants.” Cut.

Now I'd like to ask each child to pair up with a buddy so no one gets lost. Come of think of it, I haven't seen Uter since the last field trip. Uter? I don't remember any Uter. Silly name. Uter. Dad, it's great that you volunteered to drive. But how did you get out of work? Don't worry, sweetie. Daddy's got it covered.

- Let's play bingo. - Yeah! Let's play bingo. You sunk my battleship.

Oh, for crying out loud. Easy now, sweetheart. Homie's here. Hey, Mom, is this how you caught him? Face it, Lise, you're too puny to-- Lisa, unhand your brother.

That's just some overgrown fly with my body. Somebody listen to me! Shoo! Shoo, fly! Listen, buddy. This is all a mistake. If you'll just go through the transporter with me again, we'll have you back eating garbage in no time.

Tom Landry's hat! And it's autographed! "To Berman's Dry Cleaning. Best wishes, Tom Landry." Why don't you buy it? I can't buy that. Only management-type guys with big salaries like me can afford things like that. Guys like me! I'm a guy like me!

Looks like this is the end. That's all right. I couldn't have led a richer life. After the meltdown, expect roving bands-- I don't like this program. Change the channel. ...traffic for hours. Wheel of Fortune!

I'll just play the banjo with this cobra. Wait, wait, wait.

Not tonight. I said, not tonight. Wait. Something's wrong. Why aren't you pressuring me for sex? Oh, I'm just happy to lie here appreciating and respecting you. Okay, buster, what is going on?

We're very sorry for the victim's injury. But as this tape demonstrates... Mr. Simpson is accident-prone. I cant see anything in this fog.

Young man, the school dress code... specifically forbids the wearing of earrings... unless you're of Gypsy extraction. Well, I'm a Gypsy. Oh, really? Prove it. Well-- "I 'vant' to suck your blood!" Nuh-uh. That's a vampire. But, uh, they're also covered.

I've done it, Smithers! I've bought every media outlet in town. TV, radio, even the skywriters.

Yeah, I was gettin' sick of running those unions. So much paperwork.

Whoo-hoo! In your little faces!

Now my good time gang will blow you away (ALL SCREAMING) Never leave the day room. Never leave the day room. Never leave the day room.

Not in any of the ones you know about. - Oh, Lise, thank you. - Happy to do it. But you know, Bart, some philosophers believe... that nobody is born with a soul, that you have to earn one through suffering and thought and prayer, like you did last night. Uh-huh.

Okay, Ned. Get ready for your welcome home surprise! (GASPS) Homer, did you steal the organ from the church? Maybe. We don't know that for sure. Well, you gotta take it back. After the party. (PLAYING) It sure is great to look down my nose at everybody again.

Foolish Earthlings. Frightened of a creature that does not exist.

You know Dolly Parton? Yeah. I book a lot of package tours to Dollywood and EuroDollywood. That's in Alabama. Wally Kogen! What are you doing in Super Bowl jail? Ask her if she'll go out with me. We had a little ticket snafu. Do you think you can bust old Wally and his pals outta the pokey?

Lisa, it's not like you have a choice here. Bart! How many times have I told you not to bite your sist-- Wait a minute! You are a vampire! Quick! We have to kill the boy!

Daddy, I had the craziest dream. Ralphie, you're still in it. Whee!

You'll make a million dollars. No, that invention is out already. I'm just using it as an example. It's going back for more. Oh... Homer, this is my invention.

Well, it's not my fault. Lisa, the people in this bakeoff are stinkers who pushed me and pushed me like the pushy-wushies they are. Mom, if I don't have you to look up to, I don't have anyone. Look, I'll be a winner with feet of clay like Mickey Mantle. Everyone loves the Mick.

(BOTH CLAPPING)

No, sir. Please, I can't go to prison. They pee in a cup and throw it on you! I saw it in a movie. You won't be seeing any prison movies where you're going-- prison! No, please! I'll do anything. Anything? Well, that's a start. Agent johnson, F.B.I.

Every day at noon a bell rings, and they herd us in here for feeding time. And we sit around like cattle, chewing our cuds, dreading the inevitable-- Food fight !

Aw, a gift from my favorite crustacean. Um, did you learn that word from a teacher or something? No. No, I heard it on Baywatch. Oh, cool. That's cool. Baywatch. David Hasselhoff, man.

Hi, Poochie! You look like you've got something to say. - Do you? - Yes, I certainly do. I have to go now. My planet needs me.

I want to go home. Can't I just lie down for a minute? Bart, I think you'd look very sharp in this shirt. Fine. Get it. Let's go. No, no, no. You have to try it on. Ooh, this one's 50% off. That's because people who wear them get beaten up.

What the-- It burns! I can't see!

Ow! I don't understand why we have to build a ray gun to aim at a planet I never even heard of.

It's one of the places. Whee! Whee! Whee! Whee! Sorry. This school has everything.

Here's one for the road, dude. Aah !

My hunger strike will not end until Duff admits they're moving the team! Bart, my chains. Mm-hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Now it begins. Dad, I'm so proud of you.

Don't tell me how to eat doughnuts.

He stole them all. Stole them all? That could turn this whole case around. The only characters Myers could ever come up with were pathetic stick figures... with the words "Sarcastic Horse" and "Manic Mailman" printed on 'em.

To tell you not to give up. Oh, but I wanna. He's talking to himself, sir. And his smell is distracting the center fielder. Yeah. This is getting sad. Let's bring him in.

- Oww! - Come on, everybody. It makes you feel better.

I would like to eat its children. So long, suckers! Ooh! My mouth. My beautiful mouth. Excellent bout. Now we go party.

Apparently, we're not "TV pretty." Wow! It's a machine that makes carnival food at home! "Endorsed by the American Carny Association." Wow. I never thought I'd say this, but you slags are all right.

It's okay, Homie. You can come out now. Uh, give me a minute.

Hey, kids. i made your favorite cookies. Christmas trees for the girls and bloody spearheads for Bart.

Arr, matey. Nary a warning light to be seen. 'Tis clear sailing ahead for our precious cargo. Uh, would that be the hot pants, sir? Aye. The hot pants. Well, I won't be lonely for long. Hee, hee!

Otherwise, a hunk of bone could zoom right to her brain.

I murdered your father. Dad, please. It's obvious you're Pie Man. We've been getting his mail for weeks.

Friend? The only friend you need is SpringShield. Monster put in wallet. That commercial is very effective. You know, the old lady's apartment was actually Lenny's. We just used a different duvet cover. Well, they're both lovely.

I've been doing some outside projects for Mr. Burns. Really? Like what? Ah, you know. Business stuff. Uh, downsizing, e-solutions, the glass ceiling. Hmm. Well, I'm proud of you. Mmm. You're such a good provider. Kids, come on.

While you kids are looking at that, I'll just busy myself in this file cabinet. Must... fight... Satan. Make it... up to him...

Homer. Homer, where are you? (GRUNTS) Marge! How did you get in here? As president of the cultural board, I was given a key to the concert hall. (LOUD BANG) There's the filthy rat we're gonna kill. And his wife, who sometimes drives my son home from school.

Shh ! just watch.

TAB: What are you eating now? HOMER: Cheeseburger. TAB: You're a catastrophe. Let me have half of it. HOMER: I don't wanna. TAB: I just want the cheese. I don't want the meat. I do want the meat! HOMER: Here's a corner. TAB: Let me just bite it. Don't rip it! Let me have the whole thing! You'll get some later! HOMER: You're a selfish jerk! TAB: I've smelled it. It has to be eaten. HOMER: But it's my burger!

Son, let's forget all about that drug thing. Why don't you just come down and have some taffy? Nice try, Homer. just take one bite. If you're not 100% different-- Ow! Geez, what's the big deal? Look, I'll even eat some. Now-- Hmm?

I tell you, I won't live in a town... that robs men of the right to marry their cousins! Well, then we'll form our own town.

What's going on? What happened to our crops? I picked 'em, juiced 'em and delivered 'em to every store in town. Your business is saved. But there weren't enough vegetables left to fill that order. That's what I thought at first.

Give those glasses to the bailiff. All right. - And those. - Oh!

Right before I shot jasper. Hmm. I was busy that night. Stricken, I lurched forth in search of aid. But finding only slack-jawed gawkers, I gave up and collapsed on the sundial. Then, with your last ounce of strength, you pointed to "W" and "S".

If you ask me, humankind has freedom, a freedom fraught with paradoxes. Freud shows how childhood shapes our subconscious mind, but this helps us to think for ourselves. Very good, ian. Does anyone else have an example of a paradox ? Without law and order, man has no freedom.

Take that, Mom! Take that, Dad! Send me to a psychiatrist, will you? Take that, Dr. Sally Waxler!

Now he faces his toughest audience-- three Siberian tigers. Simba, on the ball. Aaah! Not the face! Ah, they'll be chewing on him for a while.

- Dad, can I ask you a question? - Sure, honey. Why are you dedicating your life to blasphemy? Don't worry, sweetheart. If I'm wrong, I'll recant on my deathbed.

Excuse me, ma'am. Where are the lampshades? Ma'am? Oh! I've killed her! It's all happening again! Mm-hmm.

I can picture it now. I cleaned out the garage and lost 50 pounds. (LAUGHS)

You intergalactic hussy!

So, a graduate student, huh? How come you guys can go to the moon, but you can't make my shoes smell good? I'm sorry? Ah, nobody's blaming ya. Hey, could you take the wheel for a second? I have to scratch myself in two places at once. just drop me off here.

They've been on my back like hump on granny.

Hey, go on, boy. Go get it. Answer the phone. D'oh! There's gotta be something on this thing for that thing. Ahh. Ohh.

Good night. Di-da. They haven't changed a bit, have they? As the weeks went on, so did the cartoons. Fresh chocolate chip cookies.

What if we refuse?

We want the truth! You want the truth? You can't handle the truth!

I opened for the Who at Woodstock. I came out in a Beatle wig with a ukulele. Hendrix said he almost plotzed. His exact words.

there's something wrong with all of us.

Wow. Me, fit in.

Well, as you can see, it's a compound fracture. The leg must remain motionless. Otherwise, a hunk of bone could zoom right to her brain. I can't be in the hospital. Tomorrow is laundry day.

Ha-ha! Wave to the people.

Can you put on the baseball game? My kids are watching a movie. Oh, come on. Help a brother out. Why dont you call my secretary and make an appointment, brother. A dream deferred is a dream denied. Dad, the traffes moving. Huh? Whoo-hoo! Pedal to the metal!

What's wrong with Stinky? She's teething. Look. Her very first baby tooth. Aw--

Bart, I know you're not wild about having me for a babysitter, but I'm not some ogre. I think you will find me fair and fun. You're dead. You should wash up for dinner. To make it fun, you can use the Mr. Bubble. It'll be like giving your fingers a bubble bath. You are so dead.

"Bart S--" Oh, Springfield Elementary, I will have you back again !

I know you are. Is there anything I can do? I don't know. - Why don't you go to bed? - Okay.

Oh, you don't want to know what I really think. Now, look sad and say "d'oh."

Wow, we have so much catching up to do. Hmm, actually, I just told you pretty much everything. Watch me dive ! Watch me dive !

You! Welcome to ma maison, Chief. I've been expecting you. Is that so, Big Daddy? Well, expect this! The arrest of you by me. Mes chers, New Orleans is my town.

In a bold move that has stunned Hollywood insiders, newly divorced comeback kid Troy McClure... has turned down the supporting lead in McBaiN iv... to direct and star in his own pet project, The Contrabulous Fabtraption of Professor Horatio Hufnagel. Will the gambit pay off? 20th Century Fox is betting... it will.

I don't think he has diarrhea. But how do we know, Marge? How do we know? I can't believe it. Sarge said we're the worst bunch he's ever seen. - See, I have to believe he's seen worse bunches than us. - But he said--

Oh, that reminds me. They're probably wondering where I went. I told them I'm going for coffee. That was a week ago. Well, Son, delighted to have met you. It's good to know that... there's another kidney out there for me. You got it, Pop. just let me run a few pints through it first.

Help! Please help me! Willie, please! Mr. Van Houten has the floor.

It says here that you've been pre-declined for every major credit card. It also says you once grabbed a dog by the hind legs... and pushed him around like a vacuum cleaner. That was in the third grade. Well, it all goes on your permanent record. I'm sorry, but if you don't come up with that money by tomorrow, the bank is going to take your house. Good luck finding it. I'm gonna take the numbers off tonight!

Well, actually you did. Yarr, yarr.

Can we have a pool, Dad? Can we have a pool, Dad? Can we-- I understand. Let us celebrate our new arrangement with the adding of chocolate to milk.

MEN: Get them! (BART SCREAMING) (ALL YELLING ANGRILY)

Oh, no! This looks like the end.

DOn't I get a lick? Doesn't Gil get a lick? Simpson, Homer J. Hey, put in a good word for ol' Gil, would ya? Mr. Simpson, this government computer can process over nine tax returns per day.

You used to be a boxer just like me? Yup. They called me Kid Gorgeous. Later on, it was Kid Presentable. Then Kid Gruesome. And, finally, Kid Moe. Hey, what's this?

Lord, no. Well, then, what can we do to make you happy ? I wanna go back to my old class. Oh, but, Bart, don't you remember the boredom, the ennui, the intellectual malaise ? Yeah, well, you know, kinda, um, but I was thinking I could go undercover.

Ahh! Please, Bart. You've gotta use your powers. I'm beggin' ya. Son, I'm afraid that leg is hanging by a thread. Lubchenko must return to game. Oh, your playing days are over, my friend. But you can always fall back on your degree in... Communications?

Be good to each other ! And the Silverdome... now ablaze with flashbulbs as Hooray For Everything leaves the field !

You are... in grave danger! Aaah!

Hey, Homer, you're late for English. English ! Who needs that ? I'm never going to England. Come on, let's go smoke. I'm for equal rights, but do we really need a whole amendment ?

Hey, everybody! I'm gonna haul ass to LollapaloozA! Here we go again! Here we go again.

There's a whole rack of them over there. I only ate two. (GRUNTS) Bart, what are you doing? Taking a whiz. Stop that! We're guests in Mr. Burns! To get Maggie in time, we'll have to catch a ride on a nerve impulse, the body's information superhighway. Learning is cool! Yeah!

I shall now call the roll. France. Oh, my cheese-- she stinks! No, wait. It's me!

You don't wanna get this sucker near your eye or your groin.

Through here, boy. Back to civilization. How do you know ? When you're an experienced woodsman like me,

Last week's capture of Bigfoot turned into the scientific poser of the century. Although the creature was ultimately released, the question remains, "Who was this Homer ?" Was it a man or was it, in fact,

Wow, look at that. How do they know to cross there?

Oh, Rod, you don't have to. You're cut. But I can't play quarterback. I don't even know how. Son, you can do anything you want. I have total faith in you. Since when? Since your mother yelled at me. Now how about that hug? Dad, the car! I got it.

Huh? Dad? That's right. You don't smoke a pipe. That's right. How'd you get wise to us? Are you kiddin'? They used to call me Grifty McGrift. I wrote the book on flimflammin'.

Oh, I was bluffing. Come to papa! Wait a minute. You have a straight flush, Homer! G'oh! You do this every time, ya-- Oh, you-- Chokin' on my own rage, here.

- Oh, all right. - Whoo-hoo! U.S.A.! U.S.A.! U.S.A.!

Yes! (CHUCKLES) So, you thought you'd pull a fake wedding, eh? You're under arrest. Come on, Chief. It was just a prank. Would some flatware make things right? Um, what does it say on my badge? (READING) Let's go.

Can you shoot one where I'm Rambo and my wife is Betty Boop? You mean Package "B." And this is supposed to save our marriage? I thought you guys lived off the land. How come you're selling junk to jerks like us? We used to live and farm in a bountiful valley. Then the river was dammed to make that lake...

Smithers, I'm licked. You open this can. Okay, but you softened it up for me. Hold it, Smithers. I'll open the can. But, sir, how? To the mall! I'll explain on the way. Hurry, Neddy, hurry.

including Kazaam. How's the popcorn, guys? Needs salt.

Ay, ay, es Homer Simpson. Me ha molestado. ¡Oh!

TouchÉ. You play the guitar? Oh, yeah. I'm a superstar.

Third time's the charm.

there's a deep spiritual connection that threatens to destroy your marriage. What do I do?

Whoa, whoa! One question at a time. Yes, you?

All right, team, it's the fourth quarter. The Lord gave us the atoms, and it's up to us to make 'em dance. Hey, if Tom Landry's hat doesn't motivate you,

Well, Chief, don't quit your day job. Whatever that is. TouchÉ, Homer.

There's only one beer left, and it's Bart's.

That scary guy? Scary talented. And I'm gonna make sure the parole board knows it. You gonna bribe 'em? I might grease the wheels of justice with some cookies. Oh, can I have some? Not till you finish your sundae. Ohh! Is that enough?

Who controls the British crown who keeps the metriC system down we do, we do who leaves atlantis off the maps who keeps the martians under wraps

Excellent. Smithers, hand me that ice cream scoop. Ice cream scoop? Damn it, Smithers! This isn't rocket science, it's brain surgery!

Yeah, Shutton here. Now that's a story. Bart, honey, I made you an extra warm sweater you can wear while you're down in the well.

I'll make something of myself. You'll see. Uh-- Hey. What do you use for anesthetic? A big mallet? Gee, I'm starting to have second th-- Look. There's Duffman. Okay, if you have six liters of blood...

OLD SEA CAPTAIN: "So Eden sank to grief. "So dawn goes down today. Nothing gold can stay." Yarr.

Whoa! Come on, kids. Let's try the lights.

If you want me to eat them for you, give me no sign. Thy will be done.

But if I lose Maggie, I'm 0-for-3. I’ve gotta get her back! I can help you. I said pipe down, Amtrak. Maggie, look whets in your ear. A penny. Okay, we wont tell no one about that. Now let's see. What else can we do?

Shame on all of you. Give me my dignity. I just came here to see Honk if You're Horny! in peace. Sir, if you just quiet down, I'd be happy to treat you to a garbage bag full of popcorn. Oh! This may surprise you, but you can't buy me off with food. I'm sick of all your stereotypes and cheap jokes.

- Name three castaways. - Hi-oh! Ooh! Clancy, use the remote. Oh, yeah. Oh! Can we talk about Chief Wiggum?

I figure I'll go for the life of sin... followed by the Presto-change-o deathbed repentance. Wow. That's a good angle. But that's not God's angle. Why not spend your life helping people instead? Then you're also covered in case of sudden death. Full coverage? Hmm.

Welcome to Lee Carvallo's Putting Challenge.

I first observed this technology at the airport gift shop. As you see, it responds to any percussive sound... with an exuberant shaking of its groove thing, yeah, yeah. It's most entertaining, but how does that help me? Observe.

Now, peasants, since the Middle Ages had no compact disks or Super Mario men, people found entertainment in abusing the village idiot. So let history come alive. ALL: Yeah! Wait! Let me take out my contact lenses! (GROANS)

Aah! Stop it! You're blinding me!

- Priority? - Precisely.

Okay, gotta focus, gotta focus. Gotta look at that bird. Gotta focus.

I am the Wondrous Wizard of Latin! I am a dervish of declension and a conjurer of conjugation, with a million hit points and maximum charisma! Ah-ha! Morire: To die! Morit: He, she, or it dies!

You call this a tax return? You call this a supercomputer? D'egh! G'yah! D'oh! You're a travesty of a f-- joke of an assistant!

Sir, I need to know where I can get some business hammocks. Hammocks? My goodness, what an idea. Why didn't I think of that? Hammocks!

No, I didn't. Who is it, Frankenstein? The Boogerman? The man in the bag. I think he's alive. Oh. Bad corpse. Stop scaring Smithers. Satisfied? Thank you, sir.

Wow! joe Namath. That's right. My car broke down in front of your house. Oh, I cannot believe you are here. Do you think maybe you could give me some pointers?

The kick is up. It's looking good. The ball is turning into a fat, bald guy. Aahh! oof! It's no good, and you know what we say... Every time something strange happens-- it's good that Bart did that. It's very good.

- Bart? - Yes, sir? Thank you. Oh, yeah. Cancel it! Hello? Mrs. Simpson? Lois Pennycandy, Krusty the Clown's assistant.

A bug, I tell you! A bug! I'm gonna resign. I don't know why they made me union president in the first place. Because they love you down at the plant. Yeah, you're right.

A boy without mischief is like a bowling ball without a liquid center.

And I'm gonna lock you up till frogs do fractions.

That's enough! That's enough!

Duff beer For me Duff beer For you I'll have A duff They're all around me! No way out!

We're ready with the transfusion. Smithers, I'm not going to make it. I want to dictate my epitaph. Go ahead. Charles Montgomery Burns. - Mm-hmm. - American... Mm-hmm. and patriot. American patriot.

Oh. Attention! This is the Coast Guard.

What's a truck? Don't play dumb with me.

ts not a purse. ts a diaper bag. What? It looks like a purse. That's why I bought it. But it's really- Shut up! Fine. I'll just take this!

Was it because I showered love on those other children while ignoring you? Yep. Pretty much. Well, I learned my lesson. From now on, you two are the only kids I'll care about. Oh, and Maggie. Now let's all enjoy the snack table while we still have it. The teamsters said they'd pick it up by 5:00. Yeah. That'll happen.

You can't create a monster and then whine when he stomps on a few buildings. I'm Lisa Simpson.

The jig is up, Quimby. Oh, God! When you see what's in this report, things are going to change in this town.

Ralph won the part fair and square. That's the signal. Take the boot off the car, boys.

I'll find religion. I'll be good sometimes. Let go of my leg. No!

Are you hugging the TV? No. And the number one reference that I am running into the ground is...

Cucamonga, Seattle. Stop it. You're killing me!

Homer! I just wanted to invite you to the wrap party. And that's my cue to exit. Baby.

Oh, let me help you, George Washington. I still want to help you! I want to help you, George Washington? Even your dreams are square.

Tonight it's F. Murray Abraham. But I really need to-- F. Murray Abraham!

Did you even look at the napkin? Oh, I was in the zone that day.

Well, uh, it's a very generous offer, sir, but his medical bills alone-- Oh, so extortion is the name of your little game, is it, Simpson ? Very well ! Then you get nothing ! I have the finest lawyers in Springfield, Simpson. Tangle with me, and I'll crush you like a paper cup.

Initiate fertilization procedure. Oh, you look lovely this evening. Have you decreased in mass? I tried to resist, but they applied powerful mind-confusion techniques. Look! Behind you!

Daddy said a cuss word! Lighten up, Roddy.

We aRe the champions we are the champions you got mud on your face big disgrace Whoop. Careful.

I locked my keys in there. Get a rock.

Oh, you poor man. You think you can dance. I didn't say stop. (CONTINUES SINGING DRUNKENLY)

Oh, I am-- Oh, my gosh, you're right! I'm a rage-aholic. I just can't live without rage-ahol! Congratulations, Dad. The first step is admitting it. Is it also the last step?

I'm very concerned. Mr. Burns has stolen our son, and he won't give him back. Oh, for gosh-- Can't you people solve these problems yourselves? I mean, we can't be "policing" the whole city.

I even got 'em to install a solar-powered electric chair. Dude, we've been here all morning. Could you at least re-moisten my head sponge? Well, I'll write you letters--

Get moving or I'll tear you up like a Kleenex at a, uh, snot party.

Lisa, breakfast. I know you're mad at me. But I hope you're not mad at Cap'n Crunch... (GASPING) (CHOKING) (GRUNTING) Homer, we've gotta get Lisa!

Homer, why are you laughing?

Bye-bye! Sayonara, dudes. So long! Bye-bye!

Uh-oh. It's out of its matrix! Nobody move! Why, it's just a cute little weasel. Hello, there, Mr. Weasel. isn't that cute? i'm down!

And begin. Mm-hmm. Uh-huh. No surprises here.

I never thought I could shoot down a German plane, but last year I proved myself wrong. Nancy Drew says that all you need to solve a mystery... is an inquisitive temperament and two good friends. And I've got an inquisitive temperament. Maybe I could help solve this. I think you're a little young... to be investigating an attempted murder.

Oh, my God! Space monsters are invading us! Dad, that's a moth. Oh.

Quit it, Bart. Quit it! Quit it! Quit it! Bart, be quiet!

YOu-- You saved my life, Bart. Yeah. I guess this means you can't ever try to kill me again, huh? Oh, I don't know about that. joking. joking.

- Dad, can I-- - Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, you. Get your hand off my wife's leg. Sorry. It's a deal. Hey, Moe, you wanna come with me and Wally to the Super Bowl? Oh, absolutely. My favorite team's in it. The Atlanta Falcons. Yeah, ever since I was a boy, I've always loved the Atlanta Falcons.

Hey, hey. Hey, hey. Hey, hey. Hey, hey.

So hard for the money - Oh, I something-something money Come on give me lots of honey Now, there's an employee, Smithers. A smile on his lips and a song in his heart. Promote him. Turn tape over!

YOUNG MARGE: Oh, thank you. You sound so sweet. (CHUCKLING) That's 'cause I've eaten 16 pieces of pie. (BOTH GIGGLING) You know, doing dishes has been the best part of camp. YOUNG MARGE: Really? Why? Because I talked to you. YOUNG MARGE: Aw!

You're a tough cookie, Maggie, but I'm gonna win you over, just like I did with Lisa. Hi, honey!

But if you just hang in there, they'll eventually accept you. Get to work! I wanna see my face in that horse's ass!

Yeah. You with the million-dollar gams. Don't you see? He's pointing out how sexist men can be. Yeah. Listen to the tomato with the melons.

Do you see how that works? Yes, thank you.

Let's learn more about nuclear energy, shall we ? Lights.

What'd you kids get? I bought this cool pencil holder. Far out, man. I haven't seen a bong in years. No one bought a wishbone necklace. One of us made some money. I sold a guy our spare tire.

The last bar in Springfield. If they don't let me in here, I'm gonna have to quit drinking. Yea! Shut up, liver! Ow! My liver hurts. I'd like a beer, please. Uh, sorry. You gotta be a pilot to drink in here. Uh, but I am a pilot.

Oh! Foiled by my own shoddy merchandise! That's my ambulance. I called for it four hours ago. Marge, how did you know? That the pants would rip? No. What I was wondering-- Years of buying pants for two active children and a full-seated husband... has given me a sixth sense for shoddy stitching,

Ha-ha! Bingo! Your dad is dead Mine's just in jail Nelson! Huh? Who said that? I am the ghost-- Gotcha! Ha-ha! Bart, help!

There once was a man named Enis-- I can just haul it away, free? Yep. It's all yours.

Aw, come on! Pick up the pace! Hey, I'm not a bum. Thanks, but I don't need-- Okay, if you insist, but-- Spare change, lady? Lousy cheapskate. So hungry. Can't leave car.

Mr. Simpson, uh, maybe you should actually go up there. Huh? Oh, Mom. I'm sorry I never come to see you. I'm just not a cemetery person.

I'm joe Namath. Good night. Scully, you're cut. Uh, Brooks, Groening, Simon, you're all cut. Castellaneta, gone. Kavner, cut. Cartwright, cut. Smith, sorry. Cut.

So, how do you like bein' Miss Popularity? Oh, well, you know, it ain't so great. Bart, it's the best thing that ever happened to me in my whole life!

I know. I'll do a raP. I'm Mr. Plow and I'm here to say - I'm the pLowingest Guy in the U.s.a. - I got A big Plow and I move a Lot of things - just like your cow if you havE one - please.

I meant your other mortal enemy, Sideshow Bob. Sideshow Bob? I'm only 10 and I already got two mortal enemies.

Uh, burn that seat. These Krusty Brand balloons are three bucks each. But get a cheap one, and what happens? It goes off, takes out the eyeballs of every kid in the room. What's that gonna cost you? Bill, what did that cost us?

Boy, you get over to the corner and you--

we took to help us ignore Grampa? Do I ever. It's five years later and I still think I'm a chicken. I'm a chicken, Marge. I know, I know. Maybe we should be listening to him now.

Are you gonna turn your back on them? Yes! Come on, Lise. Krusty doesn't want our attention anymore. Let's go worship somebody who has the guts to be a celebrity. Yeah. Krusty doesn't want to be a clown. He's happy just being another blue-collar bozo.

I might go mad with fear out there. So, Todd, I want you to shoot Daddy if he tries to get back in. - Okay, Dad. - Okay. Que sera, sera

But I don't want to hurt Mrs. K. All right, Bart, I didn't want to resort to this, but... this drawing was found on the wall of Springfield Elementary late last week. All right, I'm in. I'll humiliate the love of your life. Because I like you, I'll even do it pro boner. It's "pro bono." I know what I said.

When I pried open the coffin it was there-- that shiny tongue sticking out of his mouth, razzing my entire career-- my-- my life. Before the dust could settle, I pocketed it. But I thought I had you fooled. You did.

No answer. Don't worry, Mom. I can use my "shinning" to call Willie. And that was the first time she'd ever flown a plane. Uh-oh. The little fat boy and his family are in trouble. I'm comin' to rescue the lot of ya!

All right, look, we gotta do something about Bunyan. We're going bankrupt just feedin' and clothin' the guy, not to mention the crushings. Hey, I say we get him drunk and drag him out of town. Same way we got rid of Laura Ingalls Wilder. Yeah, that's a great idea!

Can good truly come from civil disobedience? Gandhi thought so, but- Gandhi also said, Tess talk, more rock!”

What ? We could've bought tons of great stuff, Mom. Maids, a pool, fancy sweaters. Stop me if I'm wrong. Marge, dear, would it be all right if I went over to Moe's for a drink ? Sure. I don't know if I'll ever come back here. Good night. Mmm. My women's intuition is telling me something.

I sure as hell can't tell you about hell unless I say "hell," can I ? The lad has a point. Hell, yes ! Bart ! Hell, hell, hell, hell hell, hell, hell, hell Hell, hell, hell, hell Bart, you're no longer in Sunday school. Don't swear !

Well, it's too late to merely pay back the money. But as a sign of good faith to our Australian friends, we'd like imprison Bart for five years. That's tough, but fair. Boy, go with the man. No, no, no, no! I'm not going to have my son go to jail over some silly tiff with Australia.

Dad, can we stop at Flickey's? No.

Well, I invented a Popsicle made of Mountain Dew.

Dragon in the dungeon Maiden in my lair There's potions in my wizard's pot Now drink it if you dare Lute solo! Yeah! (GRUNTS)

Ha-ha! Hey, Nelson, he's really hurt.

Bart, you're so funny.

I'm afraid your son broke the 11th Commandment: Thou shalt not steal. That's crazy! Bart's not a shoplifter. He's just a little boy. Oh, sure. Now he's just a little boy stealing little toys. But someday he'll be a grown man... stealing stadiums and-- and quarries.

Ich bin ein Springfielder. They'll bring their own people in. This ain't good. We could all lose our jobs. Look at all those worried faces... except for Lenny. He looks great. This is the worst day of my life.

"Hello, Mr.-- Kurns. I bad want... money now. Me sick." Ooh, he card reads good.

And we don't even know whose gun that was. Maybe somebody planted it there to frame Dad.

Why, " my best friend- f Homer's Voice] Maggie. Huh? - Bad news, Sheriff- - f Homer's Voice f Lisa Simpson. - Some Indians took all the- - f Homer's Voice] McNuggets. Mmm, McNuggets. f Sia vering f

Aah ! oof ! - Oh, no, he's hurt ! - Bad ! - Let's get outta here !

Okay, okay. Think, Homer. The dog. Okay. Go, boy! Go find help. Go find help, boy.

No feeling no feeling Ahh! No feeling jolly sodding X-mas, Major. For anybody else Choke on it! Oh, crikey!

Brilliant! Brilliant! Okay, let's do another, but this time, try to look scarier. Kind of like-- - Grr. - Gorgeous! Gorgeous, baby. That's it. That's it. Your fingerprints are just like snowflakes. They're both very pretty.

Scorpio he'll sting you with his dreams of power and wealth beware of Scorpio his twisted twin obsessions are his plot to rule the world and his employees' health

To those who doubt the Magic Eight Ball's power I say, behold my "F."

Dad, you shot Moe! Oh, no! This time I really am gonna faint. Ow! Son of a-- How'd they get your bar back to normal so quickly, Moe?

Ah, the sweet couple of seconds... before I remember why I'm sleeping on the lawn. Homer? Marge, you're speaking to me? Why don't you come inside and we'll talk? Talk about what? Sports? Bigamy? Bigamy! Not a sports fan, huh?

Bart, you cast the wrong spell. Zombies! Please, Lise, they prefer to be called "the living impaired." There! Pretty as a picture.

f OWi Hooting] [Crickets Chirping f

Somethin' must've spooked 'em good. Yah! Stupid cows! Yah!

Uh, Freddy Quimby was with me the entire... night in question. We were collecting canned goods for the starving people in, uh, you know, one of them loser countries. Well, that clears Quimby. He's clearly innocent. Oh, good. My laundry is done.

J; Now, a guitar has many, many nicknames: an ax, a gitbox- I guess that's it. Anyway, we're gonna start with the fundamentals: playing a burning guitar with your teeth. All right! Fire!

Would you do the honors? Well, Simpson, seven gone. As soon as you're in your pressboard coffin, I'll be the sole survivor, and the treasure will be mine. Over my dead body it will!

there's something you need to know about me. I think girls are icky pants.

The giant Éclair will knock Homer off the food page... and into the obituaries. Wait a minute. They're gonna kill Dad!

Barney, not you too! I'm not a zombie. But hey-- when in Rome.

Oh, sure. Like lawyers work in big skyscrapers and have secretaries. Look at him. He's wearing a belt. That's Hollywood for you. Ooh, I've never been to an underground club.

Check it out, boy. It's like looking into a living snow mirror. Why didn't you wait for me? I didn't think you'd mind. I figured you were getting a little too old for this. But you can still make one. There's some snow left under the car.

Today on Ben, mothers and runaway daughters... reunited by their hatred of Homer Simpson. And here's your host, Gentle Ben.

Hey, I'm gonna go toss the Virtual Salad. I want to read the Giant Book. I'm gonna try the Sex Education Computer. Come on, Maggie. Let's try and find the Enormous Pendulum. Whoa! Wait there!

The Simpsons D'oh!

Everyone always says they have to work a lot harder when I'm around.

Lisa has told me all your students are as bright and dedicated to jazz as she is. Let's go now, Mr. Puente. Chocolate microscopes? You know those guitars that are, like, double guitars, you know? More rubber stamps. Principal Skinner, this is your secretary.

- (SCREAMS) - (BARKS)

My father tried to extinguish the comedy bug but it was no use. What are you doing? Go away.

Come on! Eat the can! Come on! You're supposed to feed them pellets from the machine over there.

I wonder what would happen if they had a baby. Dad, if we're gonna race Duncan, shouldn't we hire a professional trainer?

You can either steal a car or kick me in the crotch. (GRUNTS) No one ever chooses the car. Oh, Dad! Mmm. I missed you so much! Oh, my God! Maggie, you're talking! Homer, I believe that's Lisa.

Three, two, one, pull! That exterminator tent will be perfect for your revival meeting. Mmm. Maybe we should air it out a little.

Look how healthy I am. You see? I'm finally thin enough...

Who could ever have imagined that Simpson's sweeping reforms... would pay off so quickly ? You know, sir, accidents decreased by exactly the number... that Simpson himself is known or suspected to have caused last month,

You kids should thank your mother. Now that she's a better person, we can see how awful we really are.

And just last month, I knocked out Muhammad Ali. Oh, how awful. But this is the biggest thrill ever-- the opening of my 112th store!

your bill comes to a total of $700. Now, you've already paid me four dollars, so that's just $696 more that you owe me.

What? What's that? Hi, Mom. Hi, Dad. Home already? Boy, time really flies when you're reading-- The Bible? Ew. Well, we brought some pizza. If you don't start making more sense, we're gonna have to put you in a home.

People like dogs, Mr. Burns. Nonsense. Dogs are idiots. Think about it, Smithers. If I came into your house and started sniffing at your crotch... and slobbering all over your face, what would you say? Mmm. If you did it, sir? I'll, uh, print you out a copy. Thanks.

You promised us a nature preserve. Now, don't you fret. We're sensitive to all your "eco-concerns." That's it, boys. The gift shop will go right there. Yee-haw! Cut it down! No! Wha--

Hey, Grampa. Stealing Mom's car?

Ooh, I remember. Mrs. Astor was very lucky. Well, no one expects you to sell that house. But you'd better sell something. Because cubicles are for closers, Marge. Anybody who doesn't sell a house their first week gets fired. I probably should've mentioned that earlier.

I can't take this much longer. I gotta have a beer!

Our next budget item, $12 for doorknob repair. Nay!

This isn't very convenient. Must you dump on everything we do?

Ah, we'll run that cable through here. Careful, now. Hey. Didn't you direct Unnatural Discretion? Well, yes, I did. Hoo-whee! Whoo! Oh! You know, I never walk out of a movie, but, yuck!

This could be a wonderful journal entry. Look at the size of those flawless pearls. Oh, I might've known-- but I didn't. Bart, get outta there.

Hey! Forgive me, Don Bartholomew. We tried to stop the kid, but he wouldn't quit. He went crazy. Prostitution, loan sharking, numbers-- The kid liked to wet his beak in everything. Mr. Simpson, You've been the boy's father for 10 years.

I'd like to put this filth behind us and let's all enjoy Lisa Simpson's rendition of "Stormy Leather." Uh, "Weather."

Ching, ching, ching ! Ah-ha ! Americanize this, my good man. Okeydokey. All those coins were only worth three lousy cents ? Let the good times roll.

Are you tired of missing out on the good things in life-- Family vacations, jet packs, Solid Gold Dancers? There's only three left in the world. Well, stick around, 'cause I'm gonna tell you...

Hello. This is Dr. Marvin Monroe. Let's build your vocabulary. Abattoir: Slaughterhouse.

Say the line, Bart. I didn't do it. Yea! Come on, Lisa. Say somethin' funny. Like what? Oh, somethin' stupid like Bart would say. Bucka bucka, or woozle wozzle. Somethin' like that. Forget it, Dad. If I ever become famous,

I don't wanna go away empty-handed, Bob. Take it easy there. Don't ruin this feeling I'm gettin' from ya. Perhaps I can show you something, uh... a little more you.

One reward coming up! Ta-da! Yea! Way to go! All right!

Hiya, gang. Intruder alert. Intruder alert. Stop the humanoid. Look, I'm supposed to get a physics tutor. You've come to the right place. If there's one thing we know, it is science.

Because he wants his honeymoon... to be romantic. Romantic? With Aunt Selma?

Simpsons Christmas Boogie? Simpsons Christmas Boogie For America's favorite family, everything was coming up roses. But those roses contained ready-to-sting bees.

Hello, Simpsons.

You're watching PBS. You're watching PBS? Hey, I'm as surprised as you,

You buried me naked and sold my suit to buy a ping-pong table! What kind of a son-- Call me when you get a karaoke machine. That's the second time he pulled the plug on me. I was just in a car accident. Can I use your phone? Uh, using the phone's a four-drink minimum.

Ready for the circus, Homer? Circus? The Cirque de Purée. We've had tickets since Septembre. But I want to watch Brett Favre!

The clown is down.

Zoroastrians, alphabetizers--

He's a special kind of talking doctor. Call me Bob. Well, that's quite a hole you're digging. Thanks, Bob. You know, a hole is a great place... to hide when people are fighting. Are there angry people in your house? My dad's always yelling that whitey's keeping him down. I see.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Can I help you? Potato man. Where the hell have you been?

Maybe we should talk to a financial planner. Financial panther, eh? Mr. Simpson, you're a dollar overdrawn. Get him, Sheba!

I invested in something called News Corp-- Dad! That's Fox!

(BANGING ON DOOR) I am Death. Death? We don't want any.

So what do you care? It's not like you have friends. I have a boyfriend. Sure. Yeah, right. What? I do! Oh, yeah? What's his name? Uh, George... Cauldron. George Cauldron? Maybe he can fix me up with Ed Ladle. That's it! Into the oven with you!

Okay, think, Homer. Don't panic. They don't pick up the mail till noon. There's still time !

No, no, that's impossible. We reserved it months ago. Someone should stand up to them. - Oh, dear. - Hmm. I'll do it. Excuse me, gentlemen. Might I take a peak at your gazebo reservation form?

(GROANING) MARGE: I got the Roofi tickets! I got them fair and square and I kept my dignity, not like Janie's mom.

Mmm. Bowling fresh. Mmm. Urinal fresh.

Now we'd like to play a Jimmy Buffett song, but he uncooly charges people to cover them. So here's a Captain Bart original. Wasted once more in Daiquiritaville Rip-off! Get off the stage!

I gave your necklace to my cheap girlfriend. I just throw it in a drawer at night. No! tll tangle!

Oh, whoa. A complimentary basket of hooves. Mmm. Beef salad, beef on the cob, beef-fried beef--

I've got Gameboys and caramel apples! I'll let you sass me! I'll let you punch me! You can wear swimsuits instead of underwear! We'll have Christmas tomorrow! BOTH: Yeah! Welcome to the jungle We've got fun and games We got everything you want, honey We know the names

Hooga-booga, hooga-booga. "I'm scared."

It's called Cypress Creek-- a planned community designed for the workers of the Globex Corporation. Cypress Creek, where dreams come true. Your dreams may vary from those of Globex Corporation, its subsidiaries and shareholders.

Listen, Homer, I dont know who your killer is... but I do know he'll strike again. Your only hope is to stay completely out of sight. Very well. I am gone!

Ooh! Song of Shelbyville. From the schoolhouse where our grandparents learnt To the bad zoo where all the animals burnt We're home to Christian Muslim and Jew Although not many of the last two

I'm guilty of monkeying with nature. I slipped fertility drugs into your breakfast Squishy.

age of Aquarius Aquarius Now, for our next stunt, what do you say we get your principal up here?

Because I've always been an advocate of women in the workplace, Lise. I can't help it if Mom's workplace contains our TV. I'm honored, Bart, and, Lisa, you'll have a fine time at the plant with Dad. You've been interested in nuclear power for years. I've signed numerous petitions to shut down that plant. Well, there you go! Mom, you're blocking the TV.

The whole world's gone gay! Oh, my God! What's happening now?

Wave bye-bye to our house, Maggie. Bye-bye, tree. Bye-bye, job. Bye-bye, toothbrush. Bye-bye, Lisa Simpson.

He's up in his room. Bart! It's okay, Marge. I'll get him. Bart! What the heck's going on? We need Bart to help fold your father's underpants. Where is he anyway?

Yeah, dogs like to bury old junk. Yeah, you stupid idiot.

Eh. I don't understand, Marge. Doesn't Homer work a standard 18-hour day? Eighteen hours?

Please, be quiet ! I'm trying to earn a living here, all right ? - Stop ! - That woman. That screwball Marge Simpson. We've got to stop her. But how ? Drop an anvil on her ? Hit her on the head with a piano ? Stuff her full of TNT, then throw a match down her throat and run ?

Now I insist you take off your shoes when you get inside. And while you're in there, grab as much cancer as you can. Let the commencement beginulate!

- Oh, bears ! - Mm-hmm. Right, right. Let me show you how many bears there are around here. Uh, hello, bears ! Um, come on. Have a donut. Oh, what the heck, have me ! Come and get it ! All right, all right. You made your point. Bears.

Keep your Odor-Eaters on, Selma. I've seen you get hurt too many times. I'm not gonna let him into my heart or my bedroom. Just 10 minutes on the beanbag. Come on, Short Round. We're going back to my temple of doom. Be gentle!

Is there a word in Klingon for "loneliness." Ah, yes. Garl dack! Milhouse, I'm impressed.

Oh, no ! See ? You're a pig. Barney's a pig. Larry's a pig. We're all pigs. Except for one difference. Once in a while, we can crawl out of the slop, hose ourselves off and act like human beings.

"So You're Going to Die."

Take your best shot. I'm wearing 17 layers.

Hoochie! Hoochie! Hoochie! Hoochie! Hoochie! Hoochie! Oh, oh, oh! Now I'd like my son to come up here. Son, can you forgive an old fool? Only in public.

That may not sound impressive but keep in mind, it is a very big canyon. This sucks. Where's that channel changer? Oh. I'll give it a chance. Americans have grown up with the image of the jolly fat man--

Our driveway's snowed in. Old Man Winter! That's right. I fill your driveways with ice and snow. What are you gonna do about it? Nothin'. That's what.

Society put Drederick Tatum away for his brutal crime.

Quit whacking my barrel! Never! (LAUGHS)

I'd gladly share these sweet cookies with you... if only you would help me remove this ribbon. - Here's a knife. - Oh, thank you. Now let's all share the goodness. Share this.

It makes her happy. (MUSIC STARTS) So does sucking on the dog. Hello, Springfield. Roofi is coming to your town.

Help me! Help me! Aw, man. Red hair? What's she trying to pull? Those shoes look Canadian.

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

"Positive actions lead to happiness and negative actions lead to unhappiness. No creator gods. Just the pursuit of enlightenment." I'm a Buddhist!

Fritz, you idiot!

Tonight on Smartline, the power plant strike-- argle-bargle or foofaraw? With us tonight are plant owner C.M. Burns, union kingpin Homer Simpson... and talk show mainstay Dr. Joyce Brothers. I brought my own mike! Yes. Well. Homer, organized labor has been called a lumbering dinosaur.

Professor Frink. Very well, Lisa. I'll just finagle this-- glayvin. Are you mad, Frink? Put down that science pole!

Mmm-hmm. Under the weather?

Hey, kids. It's-- Hey. Why is it destroying other toys? They must have programmed it to eliminate the competition. You mean like Microsoft? Exactly. Come on, Bart. We've gotta warn everyone.

I've been everywhere, man Crossed the deserts bare, man I've breathed the mountain air, man Of travel I've had my share, man I've been everywhere I've been to Reno, Chicago, Fargo, Minnesota Buffalo, Toronto, Winslow, Sarasota Wichita, Tulsa, Ottawa, Oklahoma

goes after another deadly hiss. Oh! I-is Whacking Day over? Thank you. Thanks for coming out. It's all so barbaric. Hey, kids, how was school?

(SOBS) Yeah, it's you, honey. Please don't cry.

I don't wanna pay four bucks to watch some monkey wannabe laying in the sun! But, Dad, lemurs are nocturnal. Don't worry, honey. Daddy will fix that broken animal. No! I'm not gonna hurt him. I'm just gonna wake him up.

(BOTH GRUNTING ANGRILY)

It is, silly. You've got the most important part of all. "Curtain puller"? No one can see the show if the curtain isn't open. But my parents are counting on seeing me dance. And I've worked ever so hard. I'm sorry, Lisa, but giving everyone an equal part... when they're clearly not equal is called what again, class? Communism!

Whoa! Whew. That was close. Uh, Bart? Not now, Lise. I'm trying to relax.

Yea! Whoo-hoo! I'm 10 pins away from perfection! Now, listen, your father really needs to concentrate, so we'll just stay here and not disturb him. Why won't they come over? I'm so lonely.

"My back is spineless. My belly is yellow. I am the American nonvoter."

- Am I the first? - Yes. I want you to hear what Malibu Stacy is telling a generation of little girls. Thinking too much gives you wrinkles. All right! I've been waitin' nine years to get my Frisbee back.

a jigger of bourbon and just a little dab-a-roo of creme de cassis for flavor. Really ? Well, I do have a warm sense of well-being... and I seem to be slurring my speech. You're right. Gimme another. Homer, go easy on the "alkihol." Remember last year at the Winfields' party... when you threw up in the laundry hamper ?

You did it, Nibbles! Now, chew through my ball sack. Huh?

Homer, what is it? Slow down. Yer getta ferda redda oura. Think before you say each word.

"Venting prevents explo-si-on." Ooh, this is hard. Where's my Tab? Okay, then. Yes. Vent the stupid gas.

And that's my two cents.

Digital audiotape, my butt. When I was a kid, we had compact discs, and I don't recall no one complaining. Damn right.

but actually it's just 2,800 small jobs. Uh-huh. But this is the chair, right? Your new duties will include answering Mr. Burns's phone, preparing his tax return, moistening his eyeballs, assisting with his chewing and swallowing, lying to Congress and some light typing. Montgomery Burns's office. Oh, hello, Mrs. Burns. I'll see if your son is available.

I admit it. I did screw up. But I won't feel guilty until I can put a human face on this. Mom! Dad! Someone stole my Malibu Stacy collection! Marge, doesn't Lisa have a human face? Yes, and she's crying.

Luann, what are you doing? Look, Kirk. I need a fresh start. Well, couldn't you get a fresh start by re-marrying your old husband?

That riot has far-reaching consequences. Kabul refuses to be our sister city anymore. I have no sister city! The babies' damage exceeds $1 million.

George, this is the last straw! You apologize to Homer right now! But, Bar, we can't show any weakness in front of the Russians. George!

Your baby! No! Well, this is it. The last call for Moe. Ahh! Ah, God!

So I says to me bosuns, "Batten down the mizzenmast." Captain McCallister, isn't it a fact... that you're not a real captain? Aye.

Nagging the driver. Minus 10 points for you.

Uh, Mike, try to lift your arm. Can't... lift... arm... or... speak... at... normal... rate. I'm afraid you have a case of acute radiation poisoning, Mr. Scioscia. Will... I... be... able... to... play...

Now, this may shock you, but you're both right.

Roses. Oh, Homie. Oh, they're beautiful. Oh, I'm gonna snuggle your brains out. Well, I think I have a collapsed lung, but okay.

- What a shame. Out of gas. - Hmm. Hmm. - Don't be stupid. - Oh, uh, sorry.

Hey, Simpson what are you trying to play? "Polly-wolly Doodle." Oh, yeah? Well, it sounds Polly-wolly crappy. Burn.

Oh, who am I kidding?

Marge, sweetie, "hooney," honey-- Ah, this'll never work.

Are you a Care Bear? I'm an Intensive Care Bear. Why does a bear need a crowbar? I don't like to get my hands dirty.

Great idea! Yeah, that's it! And who would like to see them do just the opposite-- getting into far-out situations involving robots and magic powers?

at least according to Newsweek. "Wel-diddly-elcome, Simpsons." Oh, geez! He actually wrote "diddly." That was thoughtful.

we have to say things that aren't exactly-- Lies make Baby jesus cry. Neddy! Neddy!

Oh. Then I learned the real value of college is to study and work hard. No, you didn't. You only passed your course by cheating, which you always taught us was wrong. Hmm. True. And I learned that in order for you to set a good example for your son, you're gonna take that course over again without cheating.

You have selected "no."

But if you like to watch your TV, and I mean really watch it, you want the CarnivalÉ. It features two-pronged wall plug, pre-molded hand-grip well, durable outer casing to prevent fall-apart. Sold! You wrap it up, I'll start bringing in the pennies.

He came to life. Good for him!

Get out and take your Sacajawea dollars with ya. I'll give you till three. One-- Hey, Homer, who's the manatee? Ah, now, be nice, Moe. This guy just got outta the hospital. Ah, sorry. Let me buy you a drink.

It's a longshot, but that's all I can do without learning ancient Hebrew. Bart, I am not going to learn ancient Hebrew.

What do you call it? A Flaming Homer. Why don't you make us up a couple of Flaming Homers? You got any cough syrup? Let me check the lost and found. Bowie knife, troll doll... glass eye... Oh, here we are.

Now, let's clear this up. Who exactly are you? Sergeant Seymour Skinner, U.S. Army. it's true. i was in his platoon. But they said you were killed on that scouting mission.

I think they want you to play McBain's sidekick in-- brace yourself-- the new McBain movie! McBain's sidekick? Hot damn! I'm going to Sea World! Selma, about you and Troy--

Losing your marbles, huh, kid? Lucy? Lucy McGillicuddy Ricardo Carmichael. And I think there's some more. What are you doing here? I came from heaven to help you get revenge on these bums.

Hello. I think you two would make a lovely couple. My husband is still alive! Oh. Thank God. I hope he pulls through. Not me. Let's have a minute of silent prayer... for our good friend, Homer Simpson.

That's enough! That's enough! Dr. Wolfe likes to pull kids' teeth, so he can sell 'em. To who? You know that rattle when you shake up spray paint?

Ah! Mmm. Alcohol and night swimming. It's a winning combination.

Something said. Not good. Get the hell out of here.

Your micro-jerks attacked me. Well, ya practically destroyed their whole world.

Lessons by mail, worthwhile.

I'm trying to impress people here, Lisa. You don't win friends with salad. You don't win friends with salad You don't win friends with salad

99 minutes to go Unless it turns out that you're not devout Then you're gonna be left down below 98 minutes until we're all saved 98 minutes to go (PANTING) Wait for me! Wait for me! (GRUNTS) (GROANING)

Tonight on Smartline, the power plant strike-- argle-bargle or foofaraw? With us tonight are plant owner C.M. Burns, union kingpin Homer Simpson... and talk show mainstay Dr. Joyce Brothers. I brought my own mike! Yes. Well.

Um, what do I do in case of fire? Sorry. Can't hear you. Bye. Aw! Just my luck.

What's a goody doggy?

Anyhoo, this is your last chance. Turn over the baby now. Or we will destroy all your leaders in Washington. Oh, you couldn't destroy every politician. just watch us.

Dad, what are you doing? Oh, how to explain this to a child? Hmm. Future Daddy needs to double kill these corpses... so they wont come back as zombies and-

There's a test I want you to take. Oh, great. You made me miss joe Theisman. This is from the National Fatherhood Institute. It evaluates your knowledge of your son and rates you as a father. Oh, Marge. Question one. "Name one of your child's friends."

Well, if you wanted to make Serak the Preparer cry, mission accomplished. You aren't the only beings who have emotions, you know.

Get ready for fun! Fun! Fun!

I suppose this one looks a bit like me.

Hey, you with the scarf, stop skywriting! I have to deliver a message. It's the skywriters' code. I am so sick of that damn code! If you won't stop, then I'll stop you! What are you doin'? Don't do that!

I know that's funny, but I'm just not laughing. Hmm. Pablo Neruda said laughter is the language of the soul. I am familiar with the works of Pablo Neruda.

All right, then. Bring me that crooner she likes so much, Tom jones. These spurs are killing me. Ey-y-y. Sit on it. Lenny, '50s day is next Wednesday. I gotta go home and change!

Hey, baby! I'm that guy you like. Barney? Wh-Wh-- Where's Chad? I-- Congratulations. I feel ridiculous.

So, any plans after graduation? Travel. Do you need a traveling companion, perchance? Travel canceled.

Well, that's no-- Brains. Brains. Use your brains to help us. Your delicious brains. Oh, those poor souls. What's the Christian thing to do? Oh, thank you. Thank you. Thank you, you wonderful man.

Ew! Fox! Now I got ya! Not the swear jar! It's the only thing holding back the filth!

I'm proud of you, boy. Mmm. Loganberry.

Hey, lots of people like eel pie! Yeah? Well, how many of them have mutton chops? And why can't you be more like Eddie? He never says a word against me. Well, that's because you cut out his tongue. (MUMBLES) He's right, Chief. Inspector Wiggum, you are the most famous member of Scotland Yard.

Thanks, Dad. That's great advice. Yep. Well, that's what got me where I am today. Oh. There, there. Would you sign my picture, Krusty? Sure, kid. Get in line.

You don't have TV? But what will I watch while I'm sitting on the couch? Couch? No couches either? Oh, man, I need a beer. Oh, God, oh, God, oh, God, oh, God! Oh, God, oh, God, oh, God, oh, God!

No! It's stuck on my hand! This shouldn't be too hard to fix-- with the right tools.

Wow. Best eight bucks I ever spent. Bart, your grandpa's on the phone.

The last bar in Springfield. If they don't let me in here, I'm gonna have to quit drinking. Yea! Shut up, liver! Ow! My liver hurts.

Now where's your father ?

I believe you have a letter for me. Okay, Mr. Burns. Uh, what's your first name ? I don't know.

at Dartmouth College-- Trick Pouring. For goodness sake I got the hippy hippy shakes Yeah, i got the shakes That spells "Duff." Go, Moe! Boo, everyone else.

And I've discovered he has one small weak spot. This goes here... Yeah. Oh-oh. His weak spot is now his strongest point.

Soccer Mummy. Whoa I feel good Go, Soccer Mummy! You taught me to believe in myself! I feel good I knew that I would Mmm. Uh-oh. The professor said not to let him get a boner.

dancing and twirling, dancing and twirling.

You could be that soul, Collector. Oh. Come here, you. Xena needs "xex." Got your lips!

Homer, excuse yourself! No way, narc! Bodily functions are a natural thing. Not to mention hilarious. You know, I really don't appreciate being called a narc.

Curly, straight. Curly, straight. Curly, straight. Curly, straight. Mr. Simpson, I don't think he likes that. Of course he does. He's a cute little piggy. Curly, straight. Curly, straight. Ow! Why, you little-- Mr. Simpson, stop!

Call Mr. Plow that's my name that name again is Mr. Plow

Ha-ha! Wave to the people. Blow them kisses.

Our Father who art in heaven, hallowed be--

No! Should I keep doing it? Well, sir, just apply a smidgen of peanut butter to an ordinary pine cone, and you've got yourself a makeshift bird feeder, sir. I'm outta here, man.

Work, damn you. Work ! Bart, pay attention ! You may be telling this to your own son one day if something breaks.

Get off! Get it off! I'll show you, hair! Ow! Ow! Ow! That's my face, you idiot! Idiot? Why you little--

Please have mercy. Got your nose.

Bart, you've got to go on.

Marge, we'll just get this cast off and you can go home to-- Oh, my Lord! Well, it has been a week.

It's ultramodern, like living in the not-too-distant future. Now, you make yourself at home here. I'll be sleeping downstairs in the visitor's center. Oh. Okay. I'll see you in the morning, and get ready for tennis. It comes on at 10:00.

Remember the Batusi? Nice meetin' ya. Just keep moving. Don't make eye contact.

(GRUNTS) Sorry, I'm distracted. My housekeeper is suing me for sexual harassment. She hung the mistletoe. What was I supposed to do? (GROANS) (GRUNTS)

Simpson! See you at reveille, 0500 tomorrow! See you at the I.R.S.! See you in hell! From heaven.

I missed you guys. Let's never fight again. Who's out there? Give me your names so I can tell the police. Seymour, what's going on? What's that odor?

f Singers ],r Doo do-do do-doo-do Doo do-do do-do-dooJ - J Who iet her jugs outJ - JD’oh, dth, dth, dthp J Marge iet her jugs outJ .r Lyoh, dth, dth, dth, dthp J Who iet her jugs outJ J Lyoh, dth, dth, dthp

I'm gonna pour caramel on my clothes. And then finally, I can eat my shorts! BOTH: Ahhh! What is that?

Ach. 'Tis a mighty puddle of puke. I'm sorry. Oh, that's all right, lad. It reminds me why I got into this business.

Here, kids. I guess you deserve this.

Chapter one. "A Dream of Freedom." "On September 15, 1620, "Puritan separatists from the Church of England, some living in Holland, left Plymouth, England--" "Their destination was--"

Poor Ralph. Here you go, Ralph. You "Choo-Choo-choose" me? Happy Valentine's.

A giddy little thrill at A reasonable price our only maJor quarrel's with your total lack of morals our skimpy costuMes ain't so bad They seem to entertain your dad

What did you just see, Lisa? I know, but-- - What did you just see? - Hmph. Oh, now, come on.

Are you trying to make me the new Barney? Hey, every bar needs a world-class drunk. Yeah, someone who makes our alcoholism seems less raging. Well, forget it, guys. I am not Barney. See, Homer? It's not so bad. Now dance, rummy. O-Okay.

Now turn to the next problem. If you have three Pepsis and drink one, how much more refreshed are you? You, the redhead in the Chicago school system. Pepsi? Partial credit.

Denser? Damn straight. I didnt sacrifice my period for second place. I hear that. Uh, listen, Marge. Um- How can I put this delicately? I dont got enough booze in this place to make you look good.

The governmerts found out you dumped nuclear waste under Lego Land. Oh, Smithers, the environmental effects wont be visible for years.

If a tree falls in the woods and no one's around, does it make a sound ?

I don't understand anything. When they look up "stupid" in a dictionary there will be a picture of me.

Herb! How have you been? I've been living in a cardboard box sleeping on grates, eating out of Dumpsters. You? Can't complain. Let me give you the grand tour. This is one of our many light switches. It functions in both the on and off mode. On, off. On, off. He knows how to work a light switch.

Now, what I am about to show you next may shock and educate you.

are gonna sail around the world like we always wanted. We just christened a boat. Yes, sir, everything is gonna be just Perf-- Aaah!

Apes, but they're not so big. Homer! Homer! Homer! Hey, who's this Homer dude? He's either a 50-foot prehistoric ape, or a tourist trap concocted by the Ape Island jaycees. Either way, we're going ashore. Am I going too?

(GROANING) Oh, man, I sure wish I had a ten-speed bike. A ten-speed bike? What did your mother say? She said, "Yes." MARGE: I said no! I'm confused. Which is it? MARGE: It's no! His old bike is fine. Yeah, the kitchen lady's right.

All they care about is entertainment. You need a forum where they don't even know the meaning of the word entertainment-- - public access television. - Oh.

(CHUCKLING) They were two-for-one at Krusty Home Depot. So I got an extra one for you guys. Ned, that's so considerate. Well, some say being thoughtful is old-fashioned. If so, then I guess I'm just a caveman, if they existed, which they didn't. Boy, when you write, you can let your imagination run wild.

Hello, everybody.

Lisa, don't confuse your brother like that. Have a nice day at school, Bart. Get my homework from Mrs. Hoover. Homework ? Lisa, you wasted chicken pox. Don't waste the mumps.

Spin me, clown! (LAUGHS) I wish I had invested my money better. (LAUGHING) Mmm...

See y'all! Man, that's gonna be some show. Who's ready for some football? Football! whoo-hoo whoo-hoo

Sweet. Look! They're making a movie! Robert Downey jr. is shooting it out with the police. I don't see any cameras.

Excuse me. Well, honey, what do you think? Did that salesman cut one during the test drive? Yeah. And for some reason he turned on the radio to cover up the smell. Let's get out of here. I'm not shaking that guy's hand. They'll be back.

Bah, humbug. Oh, Mr. Burns, I think you'll find... all life's problems just float away when you're flying a kite. Balderdash. This is the silliest load of-- Oh! Look at it fly! Look at me, Smithers. I feel practically super-duper, fragically--

Hey, Mr. S., I didn't know you bungeed. - I want to live! - No, no! You're too heavy! It's a glandular problem!

Lisa, honey, are you gonna be okay? Bleeding Gums was my hero, and I never got to tell him how I felt. Oh, I'm sure he knew. And I'm sure that wherever he is now, he's happy. But he was the only person who had the same love for music that I do.

Well, it's blue, six feet long-- Eww! It's my hair! Excuse me. Your mother seems really upset about something.

Lived a city that the damned call home Hear their hellish Rondelet New Orleans

Stop that! You can't pray on city property! Let's just say that on this day a million years ago,

You're the coolest dad alive!

Right, Marge? No, I want those geeks out of my house.

So sorry, Mr. Simpson. Your house is blocking... construction of our new Matlock Expressway.

Nice suit, jeeves. Daddy, I'm stealing! I'm stealing! Oh, that's my little dude.

"Can I Borrow a Feeling?" It's your picture on the front. - Go ahead, Homer. Laugh at me. - I already did. You know why all this happened, don't ya? 'Cause I took my marriage for granted. You know, in 12 years, I never once helped out with the housework.

If Esposito thinks he's gonna muscle us, he's wrong. I hear that, Renegade. Let's do this thing. Marge put together a nightclub act.

Oh, it was busy. Moe, another last beer, please. Guys, keep it down ! I got some last words. I never told you this before, but sometimes when I'm at work, I think of you and smile.

Ha, ha, ha ! Ha, ha, ha ! Oh. Aah !

the bone-cracking physical comedy... Ow! My leg! that made him a star. This is the worst pain ever! - Ow! - Stop pummeling me! It's really painful!

if our antinuclear naysayers... and choose-up-siders were to come upon a elephant... frolicking in the waters next to our nuclear power plant, they'd probably blame his ridiculous nose on the nuclear boogeyman.

Well, we'll have to organize a carpool. Hey! Every day will be like a road trip! With your dad! To school! So, how about those rainbow suspenders, huh? Dad--

And you didn't think I'd make any money. I found a dollar while I was waiting for the bus. While you were out earning that dollar, you lost $40 by not going to work. The plant called and said if you don't come in tomorrow, don't bother coming in Monday. Whoo-hoo! Four-day weekend!

(WHISPERING) I need change for a dollar. No change without purchase. What's the cheapest thing you've got? A 2-ounce bag of chips, $5.99. $5.99? What a rip-off! Someone should shoot you.

Bart, honey, I think you should go play with Rod and Todd. Oh, man. Why does everything bad have to happen to me? When i'm feeling low, do you know what always cheers me up? Is it love? Kindness?

Mmm, pancakes. Oh, Mr. Simpson, you've got a visitor. D'oh! Marge! Oh, Homie!

And here we have a lovely gourmet kitchen-- "with gas range, central can opener... and foam under flooring for enhanced standability." Why, isn't this kitchen horribly cramped? Why, yes, it is. Well, I suppose we could get used to it.

Oh, Lisa. Maybe you're right, maybe you're wrong. The important thing is veterans deserve a day... - to honor them. - They have two. Well, maybe they should have three. I'm Bart Simpson. Oh, my. Look at all these letters from people... who want to be Bart's people, Bart.

(LOUD GASP) ...hind the 'frigerator... Phew. There was a piece of glass Miss Lucy sat upon it And it cut her big fat... (GASPING) Ask me no more questions I'll tell you no more... Ow!

Except a place to live and free food. Why, you little-- Now let's all raise our wine boxes--

Arr! What's it to ya?

The cheese isn't quite melted. Let me just pop it back in the-- Here you go. Hmm. Slivered almonds for the green beans. I'll be right back.

Well, I think it's a great idea.

What's your angle, pervert?

All right, I plugged your book. Now, put down the gun. Tell them I'll be on Conan Thursday with Heather Locklear and Third Eye Blind. Why would Bart escape if he's gonna be released in two weeks? You just don't understand boys. He's stupid! But he won't know where to go or what to eat!

Marge, look at me. I don't want to. I'm mad at you. I'm sick of that waitress... and this whole country music thing. Then you'd better not look at me. Homer, where did you get that suit? A friend bought it for me.

Oh, fine! I'll go back to the beginning! Oh, no! I crushed that horrible bug!

Good one, Moe. We're looking for a family of Peeping Toms... who's been terrorizing the neighborhood. Quiet, boy. Let the nice people enjoy their beers. Ah, don't worry. This dog has the scent. What's gotten into Bobo ?

I am Carvallo. Now choose a club. You have chosen a three-wood. May I suggest a putter? Three-wood. Now, enter the force of your swing.

leaving us relatively dry. Relatively? There's bound to be some splash-back.

I start nodding my head, like I'm saying "Yes!" to every beat. "Yes! Yes! Yes! This rocks!"

Oh, I have! I have! I swear I'll never wear any clothing made from an animal... that can do an amusing trick. Another victory for Montgomery Burns's champion greyhounds-- 25 dogs, 25 world champions, which so far have earned their owner over $10 million.

Hey, kids, look what you can win in the Krusty Sweepstakes.

That's okay. His cute little hands cant even fit around my neck. He- Now he’s... got it! Bart, the larynx is not a plaything.

Oh, i guess it doesn't matter. All these things cost money, and we just don't have it. Unless-- Unless what? Well, there's that $200 we've been saving for the new air conditioner.

then he makes fun of the way I talk... probably. Now he steals my right to raise a disobedient, smart-alecky son!

What's for dessert? No dessert until you eat your broccoli. Oh, fine. Mmm. Another broccoli-related death. But I thought broccoli was--

Sweetie, you seem so blue. Did the last of something die? No, Mom. It's just that I used to be the smart one.

The holiday season is approaching, and these children need a school. Charity, eh? Yes. I'd be more than happy to-- Oh, it's doing that thing again. We now return to DÓnde EstÁ justice. El Ford Escort que me vendiÓ es un limon.

Sweet dreams, honey. Uh, Mom? Will you help me with my project? I need to make a working model of the digestive system. Of course, honey. Thanks. It's due tomorrow. Tomorrow? Well, that's too bad, mister. I'm not gonna bail you out this time. You're right, Mom. I understand.

"Barney Gumble." Oh, what'll I do, Moe? Why don't you invite him over to dinner-- Turn him from an enemy into a friend? Then, when he's not expecting it-- Bam! The old fork in the eye. Do you think it might work without the fork in the eye? There's always a first time.

Huh?! That's it, I'm out of here.

(SCREAMS) I get it! I get it! She's good! Looks like they love ya, kid. And the audience is always right. I wish I could say the same about my stockbroker. (GUFFAWS) Ah, what do you jerks know? That's a quality joke.

Happy birthday.

With his horse and his mask and his big ol' sword He'll cut your butt from a '52 Ford Oh, move it, Q-tip! Ha! Why that little-- He insulted your honor! Sir, I demand satisfaction! Are you crazy, dude? I challenge you to a duel!

Ants! You fool! Now we may never know... if ants can be trained to sort tiny screws in space.

Bart, I want you to promise me you'll pay attention in Sunday school. Bart. Bart ? Bart ! Whoa ! Are you talking to me ? What's this ? A personal stereo. Were you going to listen to rock music in Sunday school ? Maybe.

Is there? Controlled nuclear fission is a demanding mistress. So you feel resentful towards the plant. Yes, exactly! You know, maybe it's time I sold the old girl.

I'm fired, aren't I? Oh, yes. The rest of you writers start thinking up a name for this funky dog. I don't know. Something along the lines of, say, Poochie.

I bet it always works up there. Shut up and kiss me, you doomed hunk! Ahoy, moon bounce!

Now, on this show they want you to sing two songs. Maybe we should give them something new. Well, I have been working on something that could really heat things up. Let's hear it. In this trailer

We'll be back with a real-life Itchy and Scratchy-- a rabid mouse in Boston who attacked and killed... a small cat.

Is that normal? Yeah, he's just playing Wiggle Puppy. That's a dog he made up who flies by waggin' his tail. I tell you, that dog has had some amazing adventures. Well, Ralph certainly has a lot of imagination.

(GRUNTS) Lisa, what are you doing in there? Praying to Buddha, Jesus, SpongeBob. There's no time to be picky. Perhaps we should help. Screw her! (LAUGHS)

You mustn't kill time, boys. You must cherish it. Seize the day! Can I have some change to go get loaded?

Must remove my breastplate. Maybe later.

Why, I don't think I've ever seen such generosity. You're a modern day Kriss Kringle, sir. I'm just trying to dig myself out of a pit of shame. Say no more. I've had a bit of a shoe-sniffing problem myself. I'm still not allowed on the third floor. It's okay.

Ah, what a gyp. They're all just lyin' around. Do something!

Ungrateful swine ! We give you food, we give you shelter, and this is how you repay us ! You little shutterbug. Cheese !

Hello, Muddah Hello, Faddah Here I am at Camp Granada - Marge, is Lisa at Camp Granada? Now to put this tape... where no one will ever listen to it.

And you have that scholarship to Ivy League State." "Loosen up, baby. Tomorrow I'm shipping off to Vietnam." I-- I thought I was going to Ivy League State. My mistake. Stay in the moment. "just promise not to forget me on your dinosaur bone digging-up trip."

That guy is freaky. Well, here's your sugar.

Oh, man. I can't believe you failed. Oh, I'm gonna lose my job just 'cause I'm dangerously unqualified! Mr. Simpson, there is a way. We could, well, use a computer to change your grade. Computers can do that?

I can live at sea! The sea forgives all! Not like those mean old mountains. I hate them so much. The sea won't stand for this.

Dad, the flash must have scrambled their circuits! What are you, the narrator? Just keep taking pictures! I'll get more cameras!

In culture-- dead last. Eleanor, we've got to do something about this depression. So I propo-- Oh, that's right. I'm crippled.

End communication.

Let's see, Texas or Massachusetts? Texas. I like the way you think.

I use up all of my English. Grazie, Springfield! He's a phony! Lousy cheater! I demand a re-race! I got a better idea. Let's have a fun run... on his trachea. Yeah!

Oh, there's no way I could-- Homie, I'm losing my hair. Now, sweetie, don't worry about a thing. I'll teach you to comb it over so no one can tell-- Just like my hair.

So! Oh, geez. This looks bad. Better turn on the old Wiggum charm. Pervert! Oh, boy. That sounded bad.

Thanks, Kent. There was more dumb luck today when Police Chief Wiggum foiled a bank holdup without even trying.

Don't let the bedbugs bite. Seriously.

Excuse me, Marge! I think that if you told me, I would remember. I mean, I'm not an idiot!

Nice try, Floyd, but you were designed for scrubbing. And scrubbing is what you shall do.

He had to borrow a human brain. What do aliens have to do with Halloween? Silence!

Tuck-in time! All aboard the sleepy train to visit Mother Goose Barty's stop is Snoozy Lane to rest his sweet caboose Mom, I'm not a little kid anymore. Tuck-in time is lame.

We're gathered to mourn the passing... of Herschel Schmoeckel Krustofski, beloved entertainer and dear friend. Hello. I'm Troy McClure. You might remember me from such show business funerals... as "Andre the Giant, We Hardly Knew Ye," and "Shemp Howard: Today We Mourn a Stooge."

Fish heads, fish headS doo-doo, doo-doo, doo, doo

Homer? Herb? I let him design a car that would make or break my company. Presenting the Homer.

(MELLOW MUSIC PLAYING) (PLAYING SCOTTISH TUNE)

Oh, yeah. This is the life.

That night came the honeymoon.

Well, I was thinking of something like-- "I'm a big fat idiot!" Wow! I think we have our Angry Dad. Whoo-hoo! When do I get paid? - In 2012. - D'oh!

I don't believe it! She's murdered her brother! - And she's trying to dump the body in a harbor! - Well, duh! And as a griM finale, she intends to drown that poor caged baby! Oh, what's happening? Where am I?

So after a lot of thought, we decided to let you go cold turkey. For those of you who survive the night,

Vote Quimby! Okay, man. Don't shoot. Chill. Homer, you said you got rid of the gun! You lied to me again! I know I said that, but what I secretly meant was-- Yoink! The joke's on you, buddy. There's no bullets in that thing.

I don't get it, Krusty. You said you would never be a shill again. I learned something about myself tonight, kid. It ain't comedy that's in my blood. It's selling out. Come on, I'll give you a ride home.

Mmm, please. Road rage? Excuse me. What are you doing? Oh. I was just praying to God that you'll find me sane. I see. And this "god," is he in this room right now? Oh, yes. He's kind of everywhere. Mmm. Mm-mmm.

Why do we live in a town where the smartest have no power... and the stupidest run everything? - Maybe I should just move back to Alabama. - No.

We're really lucky, aren't we? I wish I was dead. Don't listen to him, kid. This is a dream factory. The birthplace of magic and enchantment. Now I need you to go clean out my toilet.

It's library-adjacent. Is that perfume? Oh! Don't be such a Phoebe. It's Pretension by Calvin Klein. Wanna try some? Mm-mmm. Okay. So what's the haps in Springfield? What do you guys, like, do for fun? Well, you'll definitely wanna get yourself a good doll.

(CLATTERING) I hope this bad publicity doesn't affect tourism. Eh, who needs tourists? They never buy my maps to stars' homes anyway. HOMER: Have you read them all? Okay, good.

"Me so sorry. Ah, so." What's he gonna do next, the flapping dickey? Uh-oh, I'm losin' 'em. Time for the "A" material. Hey, hey!

Lisa, you ruined my barbecue! I demand you apologize this second! I'm never, ever apologizing, because I was standing up for a just cause! And you were wrong, wrong, wrong! Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to my room! That's it! Go to your room!

Mendoza! You want to rent it, sir? Why? I just saw the best part. Ooh. Death by Knockout, Blood on the ice. Ho, ho! Football's Greatest Injuries.

Automotive skills and fashion sense. Well, you've come a long way from the girl I knew nothing about in high school. We ran with different crowds. You had your debutante balls and skinny-dipping, and I had my... home shoe-repair course.

A contractor? Those guys are the biggest crooks around. They charge for materials and labor. Pick one, jerks. (HUMMING)

Whoops. Whoops. Whoops.

Man, we are a couple of grade-A suckers. - Wally Kogen. - Hey, I know you. We were in the same pyramid scheme. Oh, don't remind me. Friends helping friends, my ass! Say, you wanna grab a beer while we're waiting? Yeah. I'm getting tired of them pointing and laughing at us.

He was my world. ALL: (CHANTING) Blood for cream. Blood for cream.

What should I do? Restock the possum bar. We're almost out of claws. - Ohh! - My goodness. What a lovely suit, Sheriff. Is that seersucker? Nah. Not on a civil servant's salary. It's near-sucker. Well, the fabric really brings out the red in your neck. Yup. It's coming along, huh?

Doesn't seem as funny to me. But what do I know?

How could you? Was he better than me? It all happened about two years ago. There I was having a great time in the backyard, when without warning, I was abducted by aliens. Warning! Warning! Prepare to be abducted.

Pearls, eh? Breakfast is served.

A cabbagehead from sector 7-G. Take a look at this sperm sample. Eww. Now, compare this with a normal sperm sample. Oh, yes. I'm afraid radiation from the plant is the reason.

Oh, God! My head. - Homer! - Burnsie!

I didn't do it. I wished him well. I wished him well!

Second place? Oh, man. This” just encourage her. I'm tired of her criticizing my saggy glutes. Quiet. Her muscular ears can hear us.

Man, you'd never get me into a ring. Boxing causes brain damage.

Ha, ha, hal Go ahead, look. The whole world already saw it in Nudist Camp Commandant. I wore nothing!

while imitating a stunt they iearned watching TV’s Krusty the Clown. f Brockman f Besieged by angry protesters. . . Krusty responded as follows: Would you people get a life! Not an option. Stop corrupting our children! No! Bart, this is all your fault.

Shh! Wow. We really get to keep these fruit baskets? Well, they used to give us champagne, till somebody ruined it!

Hey, they're trying to learn for free! Get 'em! Use your phony guns as clubs! Run, children! Start the bus, Otto! Start the bus! Damn! I shouldn't have eaten the mint first. Okay, hop on.

You're here to see me, right ? Of course ! Hey, way to go, Homer. Way to go !

Who's gonna play Radioactive Man? I will tell you in exactly seven minutes. Okay. Here we are. Alt dot nerd dot obsessive. Need know star R.M. pic.

Uh-oh. Well, I'm convinced. Tell you what, Mr. Murdoch. Let's just split the difference. The boys and I will just crouch here quietly and take it easy on the snacks-- Silence! Seize them!

And look at Maggie. Oops, I did it again I played with your heart Got lost in the game Oh, baby, baby Oops--

Ned is in trouble?! Smithers, I'm licked. You open this can. Okay, but you softened it up for me. Hold it, Smithers. I'll open the can. But, sir, how? To the mall! I'll explain on the way.

Pull over! There's no good place! There's lots of good places! What about over there? No shade! Huh? Perfect. Homer, no. You'll kill us all.

Oh! Aw, the flash didn't go off!

ow, ooh. ow, ooh. Ow, ooh.

I hustled a lot of pool. Hey, you want to play? I gotta warn ya. I ain't that good. (LAUGHS) All right.

Young lady, in the third grade, we dont care for tattletales. And we dont care for moaners either. Sobbing only pushes Bats grade higher.

My baby! Your baby!

AY, caramba ! Are you going bowling again tonight, Mom ? Well, yes, I am, as a matter of fact. Here's more treats. Your dad will take care of dinner.

Um, you guys skate? Try to. The cops always confiscate our boards. Yeah. And you just know they're using them, like, five minutes later down at the station. Hmm. I think I know a place you can skate that's virtually deserted. Like, you know, whatever.

As long as you have absolutely no follow-up questions-- Yes. Yes, we are. Fully. We have to go now.

Whoa! Don't worry, guys. Something always comes along to save us.

Well, I'm all set too.

and the biting with the metal teeth and the hurting and shoving. How much time do we have, Professor? Well, according to my calculations, the robots won't go berserk for at least 24 hours.

No one will see you. Ha-- Ha! Man, look at all this stuff. "Pull weeds, mow lawn, scoop and bag dog business." There's gotta be a way out of this.

We can't hear you! Come 300 feet closer!

Homer, you're not allowed to have hurt feelings right now. There's a little girl upstairs who needs you. Her confidence in her father is shaken. And no little girl can be happy unless she has faith in her daddy.

So that was his plan all along. If he writes a message of love over Springfield, we're all screwed. Hello? Lads, don't forget your old pal Elton. Can anyone hear me? Skycap?

Hey. Look. There's a big crowd to welcome us back, even though we lost. Hey, i'll give you somethin' to cry about, you loser. You can't catch a football? Let's see if you can catch a rock.

I'm surprised and disgusted by all of you! Especially his children! I'm going out there!

Oh, my God! Lenny! Carl! Bart! ALL: Rubbing sticks and stones together Makes the sparks ignite And the thought of loving you is getting so exciting Skyrockets in flight (HOMER SCREAMING)

you got some big-chin schlub... reading typos from the Palookaville Post. Well, here's a headline for you: Nobody cares. Hey, I washed your hair. These comics today.

You mean Frank Grimes? Yeah, him. Whatever happened to that guy? What are you doing? Playing Hot Wheels. Ow! That had a guide pin in it. What happened to Grampa? He was supposed to babysit.

No, money down! Oops. I shouldn't have this Bar Association logo here either.

You might remember me from such films as Today We Kill, Tomorrow We Die, and Gladys, the Groovy Mule.

"It's win-a-Hawaiian-getaway-week on Channel 6." (CRYING)

Impossible. No, no, we're quite certain.

All right. The battlefield is just a half mile ahead. Begin braking procedure. This Civil War cannon has been fully restored... and is in ready-to-fire condition.

Don Homer, I have baked a special donut just for you. Mmm. Grazie.

As overlord, all will kneel trembling before me and obey my brutal commands. End communication. That's Slick Willie for you-- always with the smooth talk.

Thank you. No shoving. That's right. Put your money in here. All of it. Is that everyone? What's your problem, sport? Afraid to be rich? Hold your horses. I'll get to ya!

Sorry. Don't you have something to say to Bart? No. Can't think of a thing. I've always said you were a good father. I've always defended you when people put you down. That's for sure. She ain't lying.

Your mama always said you'd be the Chosen one She said you're one in a million You got to burn to shine You were born under a bad sign With a blue moon in your eye

Listen, Spielbergo, Schindler and I are like peas in a pod. We're both factory owners. We both made shells for the Nazis. But mine worked, damn it! Now, go out there and win me that festival!

You think I'm God? But of course. You look down on us from heaven. You gave us life, and only your divine intervention can save us from the devil. The devil? What devil? The one you call "Bart."

Gotta go. Aah! I made it the whole day without seeing her again. I mean, hello. I guess we'll be going down together.

A hungry, hungry hypocrite Named Homer, of course My old man's pathetic Damn is his head thick The gas from his ass is carcinogenic Every day I pray his DNA ain't genetic (ALL CHEERING) Damn, this ride is pimped out.

No! I'm not gonna hurt him. I'm just gonna wake him up.

We've all been the victims of a cruel hoax perpetrated by a ten-year-old hooligan. The time has come for finger-pointing, and most of them are squarely aimed at the boy's parents. It's not our fault. We didn't want the boy.

Ow! Ow! Ow! What the hell is wrong with you? Gee! Sorry! It's a pretty standard stunt, Homer. Homer, get ready! For what?

I need one 29-cent stamp. That's $1.85. - I want $2.00 worth of gas, please. - $4.20. How much is your penny candy? Surprisingly expensive. What a rip-off!

(ROARING) (HOMER WHIMPERING) Homie, what happened to you? Marge, please. I'm too upset to talk about it.

My whole romantic life is flashing before my eyes. Gross! Thanks for dinner. Ow! No! At least, could I have my dollar--

Thank you. Come again. It looks like we put the kibosh on another two-bit telephone swindle, boys. Frankly, I would have expected better from jimmy the Scumbag. Hey, what's this thing?

is a good thing or a bad thing?

Whoa! Don't worry, guys. Something always comes along to save us.

CHLOE: You don't know when to quit. "Shiner Be Gone." Tura-lura-lura

KENT: Baby's got backlash! Springfield citizens are outraged about the destruction caused by the bad babies. Bad babies, yes, you was. They destroyed my home and the equity I'd built up therein. Asked if he intends to take legal action,

Yeah. I did see some bikers ride by here... with a blue-haired woman about 10 minutes ago. Said they were gonna spend the night at Crystal Lake Campground, Section K, Space 217. I'm sorry I can't be of more help. I guess I'll never find her.

Oh, WOW. I can't believe my very first passenger is comedy legend, Mel Brooks. I loved that movie, Young Frankenstein. Scared the hell out of me. Uh, thanks. Hey. Let's do that 2,000-pound man thing.

Oh, crap! I forgot! Marge, I need a small favor.

Spill it, Muddy Mae, or we're calling the cops! Please don't! All right. Then we'll call your husband. Grampa! No! I'll talk! I'll tell you everything. I've wanted to tell you.

Now, who has the most urgent problem? I have a recurring dream in which I'm falling. Oh, well-- Come right this way, Mel. Tim, hold my calls.

Oh! Oh, no! That sinister-lookin' kid is comin' to kill me. Help! Help!

Collect ten bucks. Ha, ha! You're losing. Bart, don't feed your sister hotels. Don't worry. There's tons. That game is too old for her. Go play with Milhouse. I don't want to. You haven't made up? His mom says I'm a bad influence.

Thanks, Marge. When my husband left, he took all our power tools, along with the car, my youth, my faith in mankind. Well, see ya. Mmm. Hey, wait!

becomes the oldest Olympic marathon winner ever... at age 38. Thirty-eight! That's roughly my age. Marge, after a lot of thought, I've decided to run the Springfield Marathon. Oh, please. You get exhausted watching The Twilight Zone marathon.

Huh? Hey! Hey, I want that lawyer what wears a cowboy hat. Release the girl, Simpson! I think I can take him out, Chief. Ha-ho. That's a sweet shot. He's tied to a chair.

Homer loves Mindy! Homer loves Mindy! Hey, Homer, you're hallucinating again. Not a good sign.

Over here! Over here! Whoa! Check out Janeane "GiraffalOl" That's Fung Pang-Li... the seven-foot sensation from Szechuan! Szechuan, eh? No wonder she's so spicy. Bart, you’re a little young to be growling at seven-foot Chinese ladies. Fine. I'll go back to being bored. Wow.

Their job is to turn Mary Bailey from this... into this. Ah, visual aids help so much. Thank you.

I've tried everything to get those blood and puke stains out. I've tried hitting 'em. I've tried yelling at 'em. All it takes is the right cleanser and a little elbow grease. Do you have anything that will get this emblem back on my jacket? I tried spitting at it, you know, but-- just put it on my sewing pile. Okay! I'm doing another load of bandannas!

I like the way Snrub thinks. Pardon me, but I would like to see this money... spent on more police officers.

(GRUNTS) All right, (GUN COCKING) hand over the tape and nobody gets hurt. (GUNS COCKING) Oh, this is hopeless. My gun isn't even loaded.

(GULPING) OTTO: Whoa!

And Bart's childish taunting agitated the Aussies further. Oh, he'll agitate ya. Ho-ho! He sure will!

inasmuch as the-- Moreover, by dint of our application-- of these principles, we can learn-- The auspices of constancy-- sweet constancy. Oh.

Now that's your third helping, young man. It's making you fat and soft... and tender. Mmm. Uh, you just cut in line, didn't you? Report to detention, Uter. For how long? Oh, about seven minutes a pound should do it.

That's me. I'm from the US Immigration Department. Save our families! Sign our petition! The only petitions that I sign are to bring back canceled sitcoms. Thank you. America needs the wisdom of Herman's Head now more than ever.

Some good news, gentlemen. We have quite a treat for you.

O Lord, on this blessed day, we thank Thee for giving our family one more crack at togetherness. Amen.

(GRUNTS) Can you make me look like this?

Somebody hired me for an emergency bachelor party.

Hello. I'm an electric car. I can't go very fast or very far. And if you drive me, people will think you're gay. One of us! One of us!

ought to do more thinkin' and less whinin'. There's no Councilman Les Wynan. Good line though. Mayor Quimby, you are well-known, sir, for your lenient stance on crime. But suppose for a second that your house was ransacked by thugs,

Eww-ahh. Face it, Bart. Our salvation isn't just gonna roll by... on the back of some stupid truck. Whoa. I gotta replace that window. "Pool-mobile"?

Get your own angel, you moocher!

I got a pogo stick. I got a hula hoop.

can't buy me love oh

Flibberty flabberty one two three Ow! Okay, who threw that? Who threw it?

Wow! (READING) They sound like my kind of snacks. (BEEPING) Oh. (READING) Oh, my God! Look at these ingredients! "Hydrogenated petroleum oil,

Then you're gonna get trouble. No, you're gonna get trouble. Oh, that's good. That's good, 'cause I want trouble. Then we're agreed. There'll be trouble. Oh, yeah! Lots of trouble. - Trouble it is! - For you.

The poliCeman on the beat needs Some time to rest his feet fighting crime is not my cup of tea

This is all Lisa's fault. She started the stupid U.N. club. Hey! Martin seconded the motion. It's entirely his fault. People, people. Let's not blame each other. We all know this is Milhouse's fault.

Oh, God! My head. - Homer! - Burnsie!

Aw, thanks, boy. I'll give you two packs for that candy bar. Three. - Why, you little-- - Guard! Guard!

Yeah, right. Good luck.

Mom, Dad! Bart's dead! That's right! Dead serious about going to Itchy and Scratchy Land. You know, Itchy and Scratchy Land isn't just for kids. - They have a place called Parents Island. - Huh?

Are those our ratings? Let me see. I lost to Channel Ocho? What the hell is that? Dos huevos, por favor. ¡AY! Oh, que lÁstima. I gotta steal that bit.

Whoa! Hey! Hey, somebody just scored. Coming in a minute. Hey, it's the beer copter!

Look, Kirk. I need a fresh start. Well, couldn't you get a fresh start by re-marrying your old husband? Kirk, we are going. Fine. But you can't take Milhouse. I have visitation rights.

Do you sell toys? We sell forbidden objects from places men fear to tread. We also sell frozen yogurt, which I call frogurt. Well, I need something for my son's birthday. Uh, perhaps this will please the gentleman.

Uh-oh! No time. Matthew, Mark, Luke and john! Hey, where are the sissy and the bald guy goin', huh?

Over Hollywood-- America needs you! We need you to go dance! We need you to get together and boogie-woogie-woogie-boogie! Shh!

And chili fries. A real preacher knows how to bring the Bible alive... through music and dancing and Tae Bo. He's kicking it old-school. Never give them an opening.

Well, that was wonderful. A good time was had by all. I'm pooped. Yes. I should be-- Good Lord! What is happening in there? Aurora borealis. Uh-- Aurora borealis at this time of year... at this time of day in this part of the country...

Homer... Sexual.

Glad to "rake" your acquaintance. It was only a dream. Bart! Is that you?

Dad, if there's a really special girl, and she likes some clod who's beneath her, what should you do? I married her!

Yeah. You might even say he was an American hero.

This is for the crummy life I've had to live. The thing is-- Bart really loves that belt and-- Hey, something's wrong with this guy. He's not fallin' down. Fun's over, fellas!

I'm afraid it's now 40,000. Okay, Okay. We need $40,000. Now, how much do we have in the checkbook? Seventy dollars.

And if you still wanna tear apart this young Sunday school student... as he stands on the brink of salvation, - I await your wrath. - Aw ! - Somehow I don't feel like killing anymore. - Neither do I. Dad.

Uh-- "Gee, Betsy, it's such a nice night. Why don't we go all the way?" "But, Greg, my dad will kill me.

I would like share this honor with all of my fellow essayists, particularly the courageous Lisa Simpson, whose inflammatory rhetoric reminded us... that the price of freedom is eternal vigilance. Give her the check! I was serious.

Here you go. Oh, what a cute convertible. You guys at the bureau thought of everything. Hey, look! The F.B.I. Light Opera Society Sings the Complete Gilbert and Sullivan. Three little maids from school are we Pert as a schoolgirl well can be

Well, America's not perfect. So America isn't perfect. Is that why you and your son hate us? If by "us" you mean loud mouth talk show hosts, which everyone seems to be in this country, then, yes, I do hate Americans.

Gee whillikers, Radioactive Man. Wish I was old enough to smoke Laramies.

Whoa! Curfew? Serves you little punks right. Maybe next time you'll think before-- Oh, my God! Look what those rotten kids did to my car!

Test scores are at an all-time low,

Excuse me. Is this room 106? Hey, who's that? I-- I don't know. Why do birds suddenly appear Every time you are near

Parents Island? Yuh-huh. I'm sure we'll appreciate each other all the more when we meet up at dinner. Are you kids gonna be all right? Kids?

He's rich, I tell ya. I never seen a place with a walk-in mailbox. Hey, who am I talking to? Yes? Yeah. Uh, hi. My-My name is Larry. I'm here to see Mr. Burns.

They fight, they bite they fight aNd bite and fight fight, fight, fight bite, bite, bite the itchy and scraTchy show

We're gonna lose our house and end up living under a bridge like common trolls. I don't think Bob won that election legally. I can't believe a convicted felon would get so many votes... and another convicted felon would get so few.

open your door and slide out. On the count of three. One--

Family guy! Well, well, well, if it isn't Punch 'n' Juvie. Plant the evidence on 'em, boys. Chief, we don't have to. These ones are actually guilty. Super. Makes our job that much easier.

A ghost train! And so little time to get out of the way. Now less. Now none!

You are wearing a red-and-white striped club tie... in a half Windsor knot. Oh, I am, am I? Is that what you think? Well, if that is what you think, I have something to tell you. Something that may shock and discredit you.

Just hear those sleigh bells jingling Cease and desist.

And now for our grand finale, the superstar of David, Mr. T!

(GIGGLING CONTINUES)

If you get hit, it's your own fault.

as manager of a cracker factory. Boring!

We couldn't tell you ahead of time because you'd spill the beans. I wouldn't ruin a surprise for Lenny. Surprise? What surprise? (BLOWING HORNS) (ALL GROAN) Way to go, Homer. Ugh! That's six years planning down the drain! I'm sorry. I'll just sit over here until you stop being mad at me. Oh, great, Homer!

to be open-minded, try new things, live life to-- Nobody's trying to teach you that.

I can't help but wonder what we're missing.

"RÉsumes." It still sounds weird to me. Why are we stopping here? Taking care of some unfinished business.

Oh, I should've punted. Turn it off. Turn it off. Hang on, Dad. This next part will definitely make you feel better about yourself. Hello, Homer. It's me, KITT, from TV's Knight Rider.

Yarrr! That's gonna replace the whale in my nightmares!

(BOTH GRUNT) (WHIMPERS) PATTY: Oh, yes. A little more color. How do I look? (GRUNTING) HOMER: Ow! Oh, after my makeover, I'm gonna get you, boy!

So long, Sarge. See you at the reunion in November.

Uh, we'll need that to live.

And john Law was helpless. You didn't see nothin'.

Will it be you? Or you? Or.. you? That's it! Lisa Simpson, astronomer! Now who Wiii press my reset button'? Will it be you? Or you? Or.. you?

Moe! I've never seen you here before. Well, these days my roots don't stay... so chestnut on their own, Officer Simpson. You don't have to call me officer. I'm not on duty here. Finished. Oh. Oh, looks nice.

Aye, once, when I was sailing round the Arctic-- Shut up, you. Take one last look at the sun, Springfield.

Cra-a-a-ap! Homie. Be strong, Marge. I'm sure he's gone to a better place.

"Ah, so. Ah, so. Me like the fried rice. Me flap dickey long time."

Oh, yes. The rest of you writers start thinking up a name for this funky dog. I don't know. Something along the lines of, say, Poochie. Only more proactive. Yeah! So, Poochie okay with everybody? Yeah. Yeah, you know, it's good.

you'll be spending Christmas in juvenile hall, capisce? Well, do you understand? Everything except "capeesh."

Gone are such headliners as Little Timmy and the Shebangs, the Shebangs, and the New Shebangs, featuring Big Timmy.

Bart, give me your matches. Fresh out. No lighter? Nothing?

Now, now. Mama's gonna make you a snack.

by the very person that was trying to catch him. How ironic. Homer, old chap, well done. If anyone was going to catch me, I'm glad it was you. Actually, it wasn't me. It was my dad, Grampa. Thanks, Son.

Orville and Hurley, Gappy Mae, Hip Diddler, Rudy, the Ya Hoo Recovering Alcoholic jug Band, and tonight, in her syndicated TV debut-- Lurleen! Oh, the bases were empty Excuse me, are you Colonel Homer Simpson?

I'll ignore that. In fact, I'm gonna help you. I have a pretty good idea where they are. We can't lose Bart now that we're so close. If I do, I'll be the worst priest ever. Well, except for, you know... Ahem!

Wow! It's even more wonderful than Lisa said. Oh, whoa. A complimentary basket of hooves.

Thank you, Your Honor. Mr. Simpson, you are forbidden to come within 500 miles... of any celebrity, living or dead. Whoo-hoo! Well, I'll always have my crank calls. Hello? Old lady from Titanic?

Um, does your plant have a recycling program? Re-cy-cling? I'm afraid I'm not familiar with that term, you adorable little ragamuffin.

Impersonating the first lady.

Doh ! Anybody home ? Ooh, I've got to go, Homer. My sisters are here.

And he says I've got six more surprises coming.

Am I making myself clear? Yo. Hey, Bart got any new tricks for us today? just one. A little something I call "Plucking the Pickle." I build up a little steam, and... I didn't do it.

Oh, no. What if they botch it? I won't have a dad... for a while. Kids. Kids. I'm not gonna die. That only happens to bad people. What about Abraham Lincoln? Uh-- He sold poisoned milk to schoolchildren. Homer!

But he is not a porn star!

Marge, they're gonna kill me! Oh. I only did what I had to do to survive in a style befitting a French monarch. (SCREAMS) (CROWD CLAMORING) Fly, Segway, fly! (SCREAMS)

Remember? Luann and Chase are taking us out to hear Spalding Gray. I don't want to go to that. You said you'd do it as a favor to me. That doesn't sound like something I'd say. Fine. I'll go without you. Okay. Love ya!

It is the '70s, right down to the smallest detail!

Go to hell! You know, I was a little worried about coming to this convention with you. But I think as long as we're not alone together-- And now the moment you've been waiting for.

Hey, Mr. S., I didn't know you bungeed.

Hey! Keep your dishwashing hands off the Armani.

That's right. You've got a special daddy. Burt Reynolds apologized to the pope and promised to replace the windshield. Burt Reynolds-- class act.

Okay, start with diagonal colors. Use your main finger on the yellow side and your other finger... on the orange side, and turn it. My main finger? You gotta start backwards! - Alternate corners. - One at a time!

And it's bad news for the gophers. And it's gonna do wonders for our social life. Yeah! It'd be nice to entertain friends and have people over. Hey, you got a tennis court? Keep walkin', Flanders. Will do. Faster.

Hey! Mr. Prime Minister! Andy!

How is old Grimey? He's dead!

Revenge, huh? Half the guys in here are working on that. Well, mine's better. Phase one begins in 10, nine, eight--

Oh, my juice Loosener's never gonna come. - Hey, Dad, this came for you in the mail. - Whoo-hoo! Mother, get an extra-special hug ready.

Now, just relax. For once, you didn't do anything wrong. just explain yourself and everyone will understand. I-- Took the money? Yes, we know. - He confessed! - Okay!

How can one ordinary man have so many enemies? I'm a people person... who drinks. Ah. Homer, in order to identify your assailant... I must follow you through the course of a normal day.

(SCHOOL BELL RINGING)

Say, I couldn't help but overhear. I represent the Arizona Cardinals. Keep walking. Good decision there, Homer. You showed a lot of poise. Yeah. Maybe you oughta be mayor of New Springfield. Mayor, eh?

Don't be sad. It's Carnaval!

(SOFTLY) Marge, are you awake? Marge? (CHUCKLING) (THUDDING) (CLANGING)

Ooh, Bart would like this. We're out of these. Out? But I just-- Register 9 is now closed. Hey, kids. i made your favorite cookies.

Oh. Whoa! Ow! Sorry. The floor's kind of at an angle here. I'm gonna move over there. Okay. From tappa-tappa-tappa. Lisa's bad dancing makes my feet sad. Oh! Let's take five. What am I doing wrong, Little Vicki?

Diddly! Flanders! Stop that! Eyes bigger than your stomach, eh, wolfie?

Each one is absolutely, positively, 100% guaranteed... to increase in value. I guarantee it.

She likes you. Put in a good word for grape. Come on, guys. We're gonna be late!

Moe's Tavern home of the Super Sunday Brunch Spectacular. Ohh! Baloney. Bread! Got you down for 40 bucks. Good luck, Your Eminence. You can't take more of my money. I'm out of the bookie business. But Moe, you've been taking bets all... Barney, have a free beer.

you can keep your job.

Oh, we're low on milk for Maggie. You wanna come with me to the Kwik-E-Mart? Please, Mrs. Simpson. I-- I cannot go there. That is the scene of my spiritual depantsing. Umm, well, I guess we could go to that new Monstromart.

Sounds like the doomsday whistle. Ain't been blown for nigh onto three years. Tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk. Trouble a-brewin'.

- Homer Simpson. - Stop telling them it was me! I'll kill you for saying it was me! Homer Simpson. What is the meaning of this? Smithers, who is this beast that's shaking me? D'oh! Say it, Burns! Say I never shot you...

What were you guys smokin' when you came up with that? We were eating rotisserie chicken. Can you just read the line, please? Ruff, ruff. I'm Poochie, the rockin' dog. You're perfect! In fact, you're better than perfect! Next to you, perfection is crap!

can two lovers truly be-- Ooh, such noise. Ooh! Well, I'm done for the evening. Huh? Lisa, stop blowing my sex-- I mean, stop blowing your sax. Your sax. Stop it. Mom, I'm auditioning for first chair in the school band, and I've got to practice.

Say, 75% for 40 years. But I don't plan to live that long.

"isn't that Marge Simpson having brunch with a man who isn't her husband ?" And I just had to come over and say hello. We're, um-- Oh, don't squirm on my account. I am giving her a bowling lesson, thank you. Now, Marge, the pins on the three-seven-ten split would be here.

Cheese! Oh! That's muy picante! Oh, Homer, you are so brave.

Oh, good. That will give me time to add another coat of glaze to the ham.

Oh, I'm so relieved. Whenever you go on one of your late-night fog walks, I get so worried. Relax! I'm fine. But when I do die, I don't want any autopsies. Well, come on down, you goofy roofy.

If I don't save the wee turtles, who will? Gah! Save me from the wee turtles! They were too quick for me! ahh! I can't believe it, Bart. I'd always thought jessica was so sweet.

Look! It's Mom! Out of the way! Move it or lose it! Get going, you! This ought to hold 'em. There's one missing, mate. If we don't find him, it'll be my ass on the barbie!

My God! That's it! Homer, you must get off that float! The brake line has been cut! Oh, my God! Attention, drunken idiots! This is your king! Sacrifice yourselves to slow me down!

Mr. Simpson, please cover your ears while I say the secret access word. Cheese. Good morning, Agent johnson. The film you are about to see...

I shall dance... with her. Ooh! QuÉ malo. Once again, I must sugar my own churro.

Cool. Dad, do you realize what you've done? You've created a world without death. Does this mean they'll never cancel the Jim Belushi Show? I guess so. (SCREAMING) No! LISA: A world without death. (GUNSHOTS)

I have a boyfriend. You won't be needing this.

This just in, Santa Claus is dead.

Drink up, Judah Ben-Hur. You truly are the king of kings. Excellent.

Shut your traps we're fed up with all of you whippersnaps

I can't believe we've overlooked this week's winner for so very, very long. We simply could not function without his tireless efforts. So, a round of applause for... this inanimate carbon rod.

I can't believe I'm gonna miss that. Don't worry your spiky little head. I've got it all planned out. How could you have it planned out? You just heard about the problem. You're right. Give me a minute. Hmm.

Yeah, did you notice how the people weren't shoving or knocking each other down?

What do you mean your hands are tied? Let me talk to Mr. Quan. I want to see how this turns out. The phone's not even plugged in. All right. You listen to me, Quan. Hang on. I got another call. Yes, Mr. President. I can be in Washington right away.

Quit riding the brake. Give it some gas, man. Hey, this is fun, isn't it? We're going to die, aren't we? Hiya, Bart! Hiya, Bart! Well, class,

Aw, man. We could've been on the cover of Mad. They called me "Smelson!" Ha-ha! Smelson. It's funny 'cause you smell. Smelson. I could've thought of that.

or shopping or to that room in the library... that's always full of old people-- Periodicals, that's it! Marge, please, old people don't need companionship. They need to be isolated and studied, so it can be determined what nutrients they have... that might be extracted for our personal use. Homer, would you please stop reading that Ross Perot pamphlet? Oh!

Take two tickets and see the game Sunday morning. Warning: Tickets should not be taken internally. See? Because of me, now they have a warning. Hey, Dad, sell you these for 50 bucks. Whoo-hoo! Sold! Those aren't tickets to the game, Homer.

As free AS the Wind blows As free As the grass grows Bart, I'm very impressed at the independent learning you've displayed here.

I can see again. All the beauty of na-- Oh! I'm blind. Oh, well. Easy come, easy go. It's the cat burglar! Please don't kill me! Abe, can I borrow your ointment? Oh, it's you, Malloy.

Thanks. Waste my time in front of his stupid-- Appreciate it. The movie tested through the roof, Mel. The sea captain gave it four "arr's." Bumblebee Man says "Muy bueno." And we were worried about the Latino market, huh? - Huh? Huh? Huh? - Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Oh. Uh-- Forget it! Oh, no. I give up. There's nothin' we can do. Yeah. I agree. You wanna start on tryin' to get Apu out of jail? Okay.

Oh, I could lick you all day long! And yet my children think I'm a failure. - One Ribwich, please. - Mm-hmm. Mmm! "Now without lettuce."

I'd say "transcendent." How about "groin-grabbingly transcendent"? Uh, I don't think so. We make a good team. A groin-grabbingly good team. 497, 498 words. Hmph. How about "Screw Flanders"?

I didn't think you'd understand. Hey, just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand. I'm glad I'm not crying... because I would hate for you to think that what I'm about to say... is based on emotion. But you, sir, Huh ? are a baboon !

Let's start with mega secret number one: "Ya gotta squeeze every penny." You see this tux? I got it cheap 'cause Roy Cohn died in it. That fancy yacht? A bargain, 'cause it smells like cat pee. And those beautiful women?

What’s left for Moe? Homer, dont make things worse. I'll show you worse! l was told this would be televised! How can I fit my whole life into a suitcase?

to give you a firsthand look at how American cartoons are made.

What... is it, sweetheart? My sodie is too cold. My teef hurt. Oh, your "teef" hurt, huh? Your "teef" hurt? Well, that's too freakin' bad! I'll tell you where you can put your freakin' "sodie" too! Oh, my goodness! Ow! My freakin' ears! Oh, let's go, dear.

Fly, my pretties. Fly! Continue the research. Mmm!

It's been done. Pretty, huh, Chief? It sure is, Lou. It sure is.

Oh, yeah. Good evening. Before we begin, is anyone here an investigative reporter? I am, and she is. Well, I'd like you to please leave. Should we take our hidden camera? Would you? Let's go, Phil.

and some illegal fireworks... and one of those disposable enemas-- no, make it two. My apologies, sir, but the sale of fireworks... is prohibited in this state and is punishable by-- Follow me.

I know, I know.

Glad you made it, Ned. I knew he would! I'll be right back, boys. I've gotta go help that lady. Homer, you help too. I toileth not on ye Sabbath, woman! A pox on thee!

It's Mom! Hey, how you been? Remember me?

it's from Yes, I Can, by Sammy Davis, jr. An entertainer, like your son. The candy man? Maybe I'm completely upside down on this whole problem. All the years of joy that I've lost. Why? Because of my stubborn ways. There, there, Rabbi.

Coming through. Challenge. Duel. Hi, Lenny. How dare you? Demand satisfaction. "Suh," your challenge is accepted. Huh? I agree to the duel, "suh." I choose pistols at dawn. Pistols at dawn? Oh, why did I have to slap a guy who says "suh"? You'll need a will and a headstone. Aisle six.

Oh, it's a donkey. Shh. They'll hear us. They didn't hear us in the sewing room.

Hey, I think I got a pai gow. I hate pai gow! Can't we just play "quang jong"? Can't we just go upstairs? No! This is Kent Brockman in Chopper Copter 6 with a special report. Montgomery Burns's son has been kidnapped.

Hey, how did I get out here? Hurt everyone. Did Ga Ga just say "Hurt everyone"? Ga Ga-- Cute name.

Okay, Nelson, put up your dukes ! Whaa ! Yikes ! Uh-uh-uh !

J Obeying safety rules is acceptable fun J Break it down now. J Just walk, dont run Drinkjuice, yum-yum J Watch out, Beatles. Now, l have one more important announcement to share with you. Would Lisa Simpson join me on stage? Huh? Lisa, because of your outstanding score...

Come on. What's he gonna do? Run amok in downtown Springfield?

(SCOFFS) Silent anger, the cornerstone of a successful marriage. (HUMMING) Cool. Guns.

Would the gentleman care for some cologne?

El Mummeo le pone en el Sleeper Hold. ¿ Donde esta los medicos de Mexico ? Ooh, pro wrestling from Mexico. You know, down there it's a real sport. Oh, cool. This is where jaws eats the boat. Whoa. This is where Die Hard jumps through the window. Whoa ! This is where Wall Street gets arrested.

If people stop paying attention to it, pretty soon it goes away. Like that old woman who couldn't find the beef? Exactly! If you stop paying attention to the monsters, they'll lose their powers. But people can't help looking at them. They're wrecking the town.

Hey, baby! (MIMICS KISSING) You looking for a good time, huh? Go home, turn on your television, Channel Six. Thanks for the tip! (BEEPING) Yeah, yeah, twins. I get it. Now let's watch something I'm really interested in. Who has more power? Miss America or Miss USA? I think one's elected and the other one's appointed.

Ah, 433rd Street. My old neighborhood. Hmm.

Whoo! Hey, baby! You’re an object! Ah-ha-hal Help! Help! Who will save this promising young honors student? Hey-hey-hey! I'll save the day! Hey, it's that clown who hates children. And flags!

Oh, no, you don't! Come on. Get in there. Drop! Woo-hoo! Ow!

Here goes nothing. Baby. Baby. Oh, lemon. All that sex for nothing.

painkillers... and a vocal-cord scraping. Don't worry. You won't feel a thing... till I jam this down your throat. The whole ordeal leaves Mr. Burns twisted and disoriented.

Since when? Since your mother yelled at me. Now how about that hug?

Marge, I'm too upset to eat. I think I'll go to Moe's. D'oh!

Hey, kids ! Who do you love ? Krusty !

No! Son, for the last time, you're staying at military school. And so am I. This school has everything I ever wanted. Lisa, no! This place is just a jail for children. No jail can hold me.

Well, I'm glad everyone's all right. But I think you should be ashamed.

So good that Evelyn gave us a guest pass. They might even ask us to join. Boy, Marge! You must've really done a number on those rich suckers. Don't thank me. Thank my beautiful new suit. Fritz, you idiot!

Yeah, you owe me that much. Okay, you're on.

Oh, I wish I could make a P.A. announcement to the whole world. Attention, everyone: Seymour Skinner is in love ! Wow, Simpson, that's pretty cool. Bart, Skinner's gonna kill you. Skinner ? Huh ! He works for me now. Simpson, what is that there ? Whoa.

Okay, Bart, since you like attention so much, I have a second announcement.

Why, you-- Aah! Hey, you-- You better-- Aah! I'm gonna-- Aah! If you do-- D'oh! Hang in there, Dad! just half a basket left! Wow, you sure get A Lot of balls for A quarter.

Homer, would you at least let me take you out on a date? I dont know. Date a chick with kids? Dad! All right, all right. Nice work, Lisa. Thanks, Julio. I love you as a blond. Oh, you do? Oh, God, Lisa, if I was an eight-year-old straight boy... I swear to God, I'd be so holding your hand right now.

Mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm. I really did it once. Yes, yes. I just wish you had the power to leave my store. Mmm, mmm, mmm. You almost had it there.

Yea! Oh, honey, you can hardly see your new braces! And that's the tooth! Oops. I left the gas on.

Aw, come on, folks, wait. Please come back. Please! I got a new offer. Whenever Uncle Moe threatens you, you get a free steak-fish.

Well, Selma hated Egypt too. A camel spit on her. Oh, yes, I've heard they can be difficult. Patty, the Parents' Advisory Board... has asked that I attend the premiere of Space Mutants V tomorrow night. W-W-Would you be interested in joining me ? I don't really think so-- She'd be delighted. I'm going to cancel.

Jonathan Livingston Seagull! We're on a collision course! Hard to starboard! Uh, port? Aye. Port. They see us. They're starting to turn. We did it!

But he loves me. Ow! Why you little... I'll endanger you... (GROWLING) (GRUNTING)

Are you a zombie?

the evidence isn't as concrete as it seems. Like those fingerprints. They could have gotten on the gun some other way. Are you sure you don't want me to hold one of your ice-cream cones? Yeah, right. You chose fruit. You live with fruit. D'oh! YOu-- Oh! No. No. No.

What the hell is that?

Mr. Burns is gone. And tonight was the night I was gonna show him my tattoo. (SOBBING) I can't believe that historic rock is gone. My poem has become an elegy. An elegy no one will ever hear.

lf guys didnt keep pinching my tush, I'd never stand up straight. I thought you liked all the attention you were getting. I'm afraid all that attention is from the wrong kind of people.

Mom, that's a school for the blind. Think of the leg up you'd have. How can we afford any of these private schools? They're all so expensive. If we want to throw good money after bad, why don't we just get Grampa that new pacemaker? I need two double-A batteries, now! Get 'em from the smoke detector. What if there's a fire?

Get some attention from a handsome police officer. That's crazy! Look, I know I don't have any proof. But this woman is trying to kill me! Fine. Let me tell you what I tell everybody who comes in here.

If some snot-nosed little kid sent me to prison... the first thing out I'd find out where he lives... and tear him a new belly-button. Lousy snitch. Yaah! You're forgetting the first two noble truths...

Okay, fine. How many S's in "innocent"?

Since you were a no-show at all the big moments of my life, you owe me years of back presents! Christmases, birthdays, Easters, Kwanzaas, good report cards. Hmm, 75 bucks a pop plus interest and penalties. You owe me... $22,000. I'll Kwanzaa you!

Oh, Lord, what should I do? Keep Gaming. What? It means gambling. Keep gambling. Oh. Right-eo.

Would it help if I talked like this too? It might. An' I'll talk like 'is. Bob's yer uncle, mate. That really doesn't help, Bart. Big Daddy, would y'all mind passin' a lil' ol' biscuit? Can I slog off school tomorrow? Got a pain in me gulliver. I'm livin' in a cuckoo clock!

I am not too fat. I'm alive, aren't I? Mr. Simpson, you're suffering from PSI. Poor self-esteem. It's not "I"! Every sign is wrong! Oh, that's terrible. We got a long drive ahead. You want to pull off at a motel? We'll split a room. Where will I sleep?

you are wrong-- they were never popular. Right about now, you're probably saying, "Troy, I've seen every Simpsons episode. You can't show me anything new." You've got some attitude, mister. Besides, you're wrong! Because sometimes episodes run long...

Well, Milhouse, I guess interesting stuff does happen to people in Springfield.

So, Lisa has a friend. We'll see about that.

Can't sleep. Clown'll eat me. Oh, Doctor! We are seconds away... from the hundred-meter butterfly. And with the East German-- women shaving their backs 9,000 miles away, the Americans are heavy favorites. Patience, my pet.

Daddy, are you jealous of Brother Homer? Maybe just a tad, Todd. I'm jealous of girls because they get to wear dresses. One problem at a time, boy. Homie, I'm so proud. You changed more than I could've imagined. You're even covering your mouth when you burp. Just like the pope.

Oh. I'll just unpack my things. I think we got our umbrellas switched! Whee! I never felt so alive!

Why, this rickety ladder in front of this door... is the perfect place for this priceless Ming vase. Eh? Eh?

You should've called. I was very worried. We're on a tight budget here. Bart, watch your language. You are not going to perform that operation yourself.

We're having a free get-acquainted session at our resort this weekend. How much is this free resort weekend? It's free. And when is this weekend? It's this weekend. Uh-huh. And how much does it cost?

Hmm. Who or what is Santos L. Halper?

Rainier Wolfcastle? My ex-boyfriend. Sara, Liebchen, take me back. lf tears could burst through my muscular ducts... I would cry like a baby who was just hit by a hammer. Rainier, you’re too jealous. You beat up Jon Lovitz just because he presented me an award.

The latest polls are in. The statesmanlike way you handled the pet incident... has put you over the top. You're ahead 51 to 49. Congratulations, Mr. Governor. Excellent. Bart, would you like to say grace ?

I'm bored. I'm restless. Need change in life. Like imported leather leash. Uh, blue contact lenses. Two hundred-volt shock training collar. Well, problem solved.

Pass ketchup. You'll have to do better than that tonight, chump. Whoa! I asked for ketchup! I'm eatin' salad here. I won't have any aggressive condiment passing in this house.

"To protect and sever"?

They're giving out cookies and business cards. Check it out. I'm a business jerk. (GRUNTING) Marge, I don't want to buy this house. I'd have to live next door to myself. (LOUD MUSIC PLAYING) Turn that down. Screw you. (GRUNTS)

Breakfast! Breakfast? Cereal? You know I like my breakfast fried or chicken-fried. It's a healthy cereal from Europe. Müeslix!

Welcome, brothers of local 643. As you know, our president, Chucky Fitzhugh, ain't been seen lately. We're all praying he'll turn up soon, alive and well. Oh, all right, all right. But seriously, we have to vote on Burns's new contract.

LISA: Help! Help! So much sulfur dioxide! I'm coming, sweetheart!

"Let he who is without sin cast the first stone"? Got him, Dad. And so, just as things looked their worst-- I realized I could make money selling my medication to deadheads. Grampa, what are you talking about?

Well, you get the idea. My father was the most respected man in the lower East Side of Springfield. People would come from miles around to ask his advice. Reb Krustofski, should I finish college? Yes. No one is poor except he who lacks knowledge.

Yarrr! That's gonna replace the whale in my nightmares! Well, don't worry. The giant Éclair will knock Homer off the food page... and into the obituaries. Wait a minute. They're gonna kill Dad!

Hey, yeah, yeah. I think I can. I think this is sick. They're staring at a dot. She's right ! She's right ! Oh, how I miss TV. Dear God, just give me one channel ! Homer, it's not the end of the world. Before we got married, we hardly ever watched television. You lie. Bart !

Time to repress another memory. I... am... at... Disneyland. Disneyland. You made your own breakfast? Looks like you had a little problem with those scrambled eggs.

Great story, Grampa. Could've used a vampire though. Night. My own grandson thinks I'm a liar.

Aren't we forgetting something, Marge? You were down $5,200 dollars. But Mr. Trebek-- I asked you before the game... if you knew the rules, and you said you did. judges. Run, Mom. She ain't gettin' the home version.

Oh, Marge, my loyal wife, of course not. And Lisa, my little princess. And who could forget dear Rat Boy?

Yes, but with one important difference. Oh. We took that out. Yes, it is just like the other rooms. What's that building over there? That's just a TV studio... where they film Krusty the Clown and other non-box-related programs. Since it has nothing to do with boxes, I'll just shut these blinds.

Know him? He's my worthless half brother. - He's a big TV star. - Yeah, on Fox. Elizabeth Taylor. Bette Midler.

Now what, Smithers? I-- You're not Smithers! Uh, I'm Homer Simpson, your trusted employee. Employee, eh? What a pleasant surprise! Hmm. A pack of vicious dogs should be ripping you to pieces.

Anyway, we'd like to thank You for the occasional moments... of peace and love our family's experienced. Well, not today. You saw what happened !

What is all this stuff? Uh, we've heard you've become a star. We decided we better start living in the fast lane. What if I'm not a success? How will you pay for all this? I'm sorry. I can't hear you, son. I'm wearing a jacuzzi suit.

Shall we start the bidding at, say, $10,000? All right. How about a million? I'll give you two bucks for the bird if it's still alive. What's going on here? You weirdos love this stuff. Homer, I'm afraid they only love what's new and shocking.

We're in minute two of this standoff. What's the situation, Chief? Well, we have an officer sneaking around the house, Kent. So unless they have a television in there or can hear my loud talking-- Ow, ow, ow, ow. Well, I guess that answers that, doesn't it?

We're never gonna find him. Now, Lisa, it's not as bleak as that. Can you fly me over town to look for him? We nuns cannot fly. - Oh, too much junk in the trunk, eh? - Yes.

Dad, you gotta let me see that movie. Can't you just give me a spanking? Come on. Go nuts. Don't point that thing at me. I said you're not going to the movie, and I'm sticking to it. Dad, I agree that Bart should be punished, but The itchy and Scratchy Movie is the defining event of our generation.

Oh! Oh, yeah! Well, we better start our Love Day cleanup. You kids take care of the wrapping paper. I'm going to dismantle Love Land.

I hide behind curtains 'cause I have a fear of getting stabbed.

But I love my son. More than a lush head of hair?

That has people living in it. You can see them through the windows. Lousy showoffs. Look! It's jimmy Carter! Could you build us a house, President Carter? We can't go back to ours. I'm sorry. These are for the truly needy. Yeah. Get your own habitat. Come on, Carter. Build us a house, you lazy bum!

Catch your flight? Moe and I are going to the Tavern and Restaurant Owners Convention in Aruba this weekend. Don't you ever listen to me? I told you 10 times. (SNORING)

This movie you rented sucks. No, it doesn't. It's funny. Their clothes are different from my clothes.

Informally now and by affidavit later, time permitting.

In honor of legalized gambling, why not go as the state of Nevada? No. Nevada makes my butt look big. Then how 'bout going as Florida? You enjoy orange juice. Old people like you. Dad, what do you think? Shh! I'm trying to teach the baby to gamble. Why? I got a job at Burns's casino.

Now let's forget our troubles with a big bowl of strawberry ice cream. Now let's forget our troubles with a big bowl of strawberry ice cream!

You? That's me! I'm talkin' Springfield Where nobody sucks Except for Flanders (ALL CHEERING) (BEEPING)

400 days detention. 400 days. I can do that standing on my head. All right, 500 days. Ooh! Big man! 600 days. Maybe I'll just shut my big mouth.

Folks, we print more than 18 million bills a day. Oh, and in case you were wondering, no, we don't give out free samples. Lousy, cheap country.

Ah, these should help those fallen arches. Enjoy. Hmm. Throat looks a little red. I'd better spray it. Oh, thanks, nice lady. My voice is crazy with this spraying already.

Are you on your third beer of the evening? Does whiskey count as beer?

I guess you're right. Who cares? Whatever happens, as our newest closer, you're entitled to wear the coveted closing blazer. And you get a third wall for your cubicle.

Some nerds of note include popcorn magnate Orville Redenbacher, rock star David Byrne and Supreme Court justice David Souter. Oh, not Souter! Oh, no!

Keep at least one eye open. 'Cause his best friends, the Simpsons, just might pop in to wish him luck. Let's us wish him luck too. Good luck, Wiggum!

My studio produced Casablanca, all right? We tried to tack that happy ending on the picture, 'cause back then, well, studio execs, we were-- we were just dopes in suits, not like today. What are you talking about? I loved it. Ah, you're a sweet old gent to say that. This should be in a museum. Look, I'll tell you what.

Answer the phone. I need a man! Ow, my eyeball! Enough, people. People? All right.

It's not good for your heart. My heart is just f-- Homie, what is it? just workin' the turkey through. There it goes!

You bulked up but managed to keep your femininity. And that's why I didnt win. Sorry, sir. Sorry. Starting tomorrow, I'm gonna up my glyco load...

We're still not sure how he caused the meltdown. There wasn't any nuclear material in the truck! Very well. It's time for your bribe. Now, you can either have the washer and dryer where the lovely Smithers is standing, or you can trade it all in for what's in this box.

You're right, Moe. A beer, please, and make sure there's a head on it. I said it before, and I'll say it again, "Hell in a handbasket !" I hope they find the punk who did this, and I hope they cut his head off. Yeah !

Whoa. Forty years ago, a film appeared that was so shocking, so terrifying, it was sealed in a concrete vault deep beneath the earth. But even the new management of Sony TriStar... could not contain the pure evil of... The Bloodening.

Now you’re all here for one reason. To rock! Who said that? That's right, Otto. We're here to rock! So get a good night's sleep and remember- Rule number one, there are no rules!

He's back, in pog form! You traded my soul for pogs? No! Close that door! You're letting the heat out! Shut up, shut up, shut up!

So, where can we shoot this picture? We need a city that has a nuclear reactor and a gorge... and can guarantee us the full cooperation of city officials.

Are you watching? (MOANS) When they come busting out, we'll be ready. Every single guard is outside waiting for them. Something don't feel right. Usually when there's a jailbreak, there's electricity in the air, like the calm before a summer storm.

Ah, they shouldn't have been there in the first place.

Probably misses his old glasses.

Well, I'm afraid I'm gonna have to ask you to hand over that-- Gee, Homi, it's not very nice to maul Ranger Ned. - You want some of this? - Uh-uh. - Dad, wake up! Wake up! - Dad, wake up!

It was nice meeting you. Thanks for coming out. But I was hoping maybe we could do some stuff together, like go to the beach and junk. Look, you're a sweet kid. But I'm not exactly father material. I curse, I gamble, I pick fights with homeless people, I-- What's wrong with your eyes? You need a Claritin or something?

And I like to think sometimes we get a message across as well.

Well, Bart, did you make sure to return all the guns? Sir, yes, sir! Luckily I am now trained... in six additional forms of unarmed combat, sir! Well, he's got more confidence. Uh, yeah. I've always said the boy could use more confidence.

We have captured your president. He was delicious. Why, you little... Wait A minute. Does this mean you like my present? Uh-huh. Oh... just promise me you won't play any more practical jokes.

What do you think, Homer? Does this make my hips look big? Outfit good. Flatters butt. Oh, arent you a dear! Then after World War II, it got kinda quiet... till Superman challenged FDR. to a race around the world.

Second, this is now the girls' barracks. So pack your things. You're moving in with Company "L." Company "L"! But they smell. Yes, we've all heard the chant. Now fall out! Sorry. Sorry. I know we'll be friends.

We want prohibition! We want prohibition! You can't seriously want to ban alcohol.

What advantages does this motorcar have... over, say, a train? Which I could also afford. Well, you'll notice how the heated gas pedal warms your feet while-- Gently massages your buttocks. Well, Count Homer, shall we discuss the-- No, we shan't. Yoicks!

Lisa's gone berserk. Do something, Homer. Do something! Oh. Thanks, Dad. I didn't think. I... just acted. Self-tapping shoes? I'm ever so pissed.

Whoa! Huh? A pretzel? Wow! Looks like I pulled a Homer. Magic johnson coming down the floor. His feet slip out from under him! The ball flies loose, hits the referee goes in the basket!

Ladies and gentlemen, I'm going to prove to you not only that Freddy Quimby is guilty, but that he is also innocent of not being guilty. I refer you to my expert witness, Dr. Hibbert. Well, only one in two million people has... what we call the "evil gene."

Oh, don't be silly. WILLIE: Look at me. I'm Milhouse. I tuck my shirt into me underpants. (ALL LAUGHING) WILLIE: I've got no friends. So I confide in Willie. (LAUGHING LOUDLY) (GIGGLING NERVOUSLY)

The gummi Venus de Milo, carved by gummi artisans... who work exclusively in the medium of gummi. Will you two stop saying "gummi" so much? Must have rare gummi. Distract the salesman. No! I won't make a spectacle out of myself any further.

I feel like the luckiest woman in Springfield. Oh! He loves the nightlife he loves manjula - the man they call apu oh, yeah Oh! He has trained a bird to sing to me. Limo out front. Tickets to opera, front row loge.

Bart, come quick! There's an Itchy and Scratchy movie! If you want suspense--

Of the 160 gravest charges, the most troubling are: performing major operations with a knife and fork from a seafood restaurant-- But I cleaned them with my napkin. misuse of the cadavers-- I get here earlier when I drive in the car pool lane. There's a crazy man with a scalpel in E.R.!

(BEEPING) Oh. (READING) Oh, my God! Look at these ingredients! "Hydrogenated petroleum oil, "monosodium poisonate, partially de-weaponized plutonium"? Attention, duped masses!

You bad-mouthed MacGyver, didn't you? Ma-- Uh-- Ma-- Huh? What you doin', Marge? Making out the jury list for the film festival.

We're proud to present on the W.B. Another bad show that no one Will see I need a drink. It's the TV movie of the year-- The Krusty the Klown Story: Booze, Drugs, Guns, Lies,

"Your son has been kidnapped."

Dear, dear George Washington, can this liberty you dream of... be worth all this bloodshed? Well, can it?

Gee, I feel bad. If people knew the real Monty Burns... and not the silver-dollar-throwing, morphine addict you've become, they might like you. Yeah, if you wanna change your image, you gotta get your face out there. ew. On the radio. That's it! The radio. I'll go on the most popular program of the day.

Dad, that's too much detergent. Not now! I'm busy turning on this washing machine. Simpson! Where's my dinner? Mamma mia!

Coolness report? You've been had, boy. Billy Carter's ghost! Damn straight. And I'm here to tell ya you've been sent on a wild goose chase. You mean Lisa wanted to get rid of me? Well, that's a big 10-4. When my brother Jimmy was making peace in the Middle East, he sent me to Belly Flop Academy. I guess I am an embarrassment.

Oh! I've killed her! It's all happening again! Mm-hmm. Help me! Help me! Mmm! It's cran-tastic!

Uh, I'm giving it back to the earth. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. What are we gonna do to that field? Clean it! And why are we gonna do it? Liberal guilt. Yay! I'm so proud of what you guys are doing,

Huh. Women always have trouble with the wall. They never seem to find the door.

Ahh! I smelled some marijuana smoke in Vietnam! I was the one that canceled Star Trek! I left my Porsche keys inside Mrs. Glick.

Go away. Open the door! Oy, gevalt! Close the door! Then came my big break. A Talmudic conference in the Catskills.

Hey. Take that. Take this. Come here, you little squirt.

Ralph, are you eating your paste? No, Miss Hoover. Good. Now sprinkle your sparkles on your paste.

I will say good day to you, sir. Okay. I will go.

I never knew you were such a Beatles fan. Of course I am! They were bigger than Jesus. But your boy went Yoko and broke up my collection.

Huh. Well, that car thief can't hold his breath forever. And if he can, Chief? Then God help us all.

Live from Hawaii's beautiful Molokai Island. We're not just for lepers anymore. It's Carnival of the Stars. I'm your host, Troy McClure. You may remember me from such films as... The Erotic Adventures of Hercules...

Open up! Open up! I got to go, and no fooling. Hey, Pop-N-Fresh! You're supposed to giggle. Gyyaaagh!! That guy has got to go.

(LAUGHS LIKE SELMA) Something's wrong with Bart. He's acting weird. (IMITATES BART) Feast on my shorts, stupid father man. Wait, you're not Bart. Close enough. (LAUGHING)

But, I promise you, the second all those things go away, we'll have sex. I simply can't wait that long. Maybe we should get some help. How about a book? Ooh! Okay! A tasteful book. Oh. All right.

Ah, that was uproarious. First-rate job, monkey. Do I get paid now? Oh, where are my manners? There. D'oh!

Come on. Kiss me. Oh, Artie. Please. Really, I mean it ! Now, stop it ! I'm sorry, Marge. Take me home, Artie. Well, it's 1:00. If you wanna keep me, I'm afraid it's gonna be $45 an hour. Nah, that's okay. I'm broke. I'll walk home.

They need your help on some freedom thing. Tell them to sit tight. I'll get back to them. This way, Mr. Simpson. You sure have got some education, Mr. Hutz. Yes-- Harvard, Yale, M.I.T., Oxford, the Sorbonne, the Louvre. Ooh ! Oh, well.

Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife? I do. One groom-- Two grooms? But he-- But you can't-- Oh, my medication! Radical! Is that your final answer?

I'd be a pretty lousy mother. Why don't you kids come trick-or-treating with Maggie and me? Nah, it's too early. I need to work under cover of darkness. Oh, Homer, you're not going as a hobo again? Going where?

Okay, where do you wanna do this thing? Isn't it customary to have a trial? Oh, a wise guy, huh?

H-How do you do? Homer, I'm late for my night job at the foundry, so if you don't mind telling me-- Good heavens! Th-This is a palace! H-How in the world can you afford... to live in a house like this, Simpson? I don't know. Don't ask me how the economy works. Yeah, but look at the size of this place.

- She's the queen of the harpies. - No, I'm not. - Queen of the harpies ! Here's your crown, Your Majesty ! - No, I'm not.

Maybe those rumors about his fish fetish weren't true after all. This changes everything. I'd pay to see him in a movie now. If only that were possible. Troy! My man! It's MacArthur Parker! MacArthur Parker, the agent? MacArthur Parker, my agent?

No! It was finger Ling-Ling good. Whoa! No!

it's that troubled relationships can be completely patched up by a mad dash to the airport.

Meh. Yon meat is sweet as summer's wafting breeze. Can I have some? Mine ears are open... only to the pleas of those who speak ye olde English. Sweet maiden of the spit, grant now my boon... that I might sup upon suckling pig this noon. Whatever.

Oh, I can't stay mad at you. Mmm-mmm! Aw! Brave Odysseus, it's been 20 long years. Regale me with tales of your adventures. Quit suffocating me. I'm going to Moe's. Yeesh!

From the widest gully to the deepest trench, holes define who we are and where we are going. And although Rover here may not know it, he is participating in a ritual as old as time itself. He is giving birth to a hole.

That's it? What happened to all the lobsters, mangoes and chewy, chewy cocoa beans? All we found were these oozing berries. And they look pretty poisonous. I "eated" the purple berries. Ow.

What is the freakin' holdup? Die, Krusty! Die-- Oh.

Hey, Homer. Did you buy this car with your stock money? Sure did, and the great thing about it is everybody got rich. For once us working stiffs got a break.

Thanks, Funzo. You rock. All righty. It's always a party with Funzo. I admit it's kind of cute. But it'll never take the place of Malibu Stacy.

And I keep telling you, you flyboys crack me up! Hi, I'm Alan. I'm your copilot. Uh, yeah. Um-- Hmm.

Please, please! One at a time! One at a time!

Moe, Moe, Moe How do you like me How do you like me Moe, Moe, Moe Why don't you like me Nobody likes me Eh, we can spend another week at the ranch. Yee-haw! Hoo-hoo!

Hot! Hot! D'oh! Oh, my God! It's burning up!

Oh, I always thought karma was baloney, but not anymore. Mmm, caramel bologna.

He's not fallin' down at all.

Get the hell out of here. So anyhoo, last night we're playin' poker, right? As usual, I'm winning and not realizing it. And Lenny says that I'm, uh--

My little, bitty Barty! Mom! Since I got my present early, I think you should get yours early too. Bart get a present early? Then I should get a present early. I want a present! Lisa, you have to wait.

Uh-oh ! Looks like Bullwinkle's got a taste of his own medicine. He certainly did, Bill. Wait. What did I-- Did what I say make sense ? Well, no, not really, Bill. Boy, now I know how the Pilgrims felt. What are you talking about ? Who the hell is that ? Bullwinkle. Who ? Wait a minute. Who's that ?

We head into half-time with the thrilling score of 55 to 6. But don't stop watching in the second half. Points count double.

And what would you like, little boy ? You're not really Santa, tubby. Why, you little egghead !

Oh! My arm. Whee-- Ow! I bit my tongue. Each leap brings us closer to God. - Catch me, Lord. Catch me. Wh-- - Ow! What have we done to make God angry? You did it.

B-i-n-g-o B-i-n-g-o B-i-n-g-o

Hey. What's goin' on on this side? Hey, Brandine. You might could wear these to your job interview. And scuff up the topless dancin' runway? - Nah. You best bring 'em back where from you got 'em. - Okay. Back you go...

Mom ! Mom ! Wake up ! We've been robbed ! What ? Someone swiped my piggy bank ! Your father's gone too ! Look what I found.

None! They'd have more sense than that!

Smithers, Smithers, help me subdue this... beast. Sorry, sir, this is all I could find. Take that and that! Please don't waste those. I'm happy for the school. It sounds like this money is gonna provide a lot of new opportunities.

My dad's shooting a movie in Toronto. You're going to Spain?

Goliath II is really gonna pay! Get ready to meet the first action hero. Wow. Winner takes it all till he bReaks the fall In time he'll make it over the top

This isn't right. This isn't right at all. Ugh. Aw.

I just throw it in a drawer at night. No! tll tangle! Sorry. I cant go outside. I'll call for help.

Joan of Arc, I am your God.

I have a favor to ask. Please shut this place down and move away from Springfield. Oh, honey, you can't be serious. Springfield doesn't want places like this. I think I know what Springfield wants, sugar. Oh? I've lived in this town for 37 years.

I'm starving! Somebody bring me some food quick! I'm a-comin', boy! Homer, get back here! There must be something to eat around here.

You have the face of a jerk! All right, Simpson, you asked for-- Get 'em, boys! Heh! Say, uh, jimbo-- Huh! Hope I wasn't out of line with that "jerk-face" crack. Huh!

'Cause we are really up the creek on this one. And with the prime suspect cleared and found completely innocent, we must now ask ourselves: Who could be as bloodthirsty as Waylon Smithers? I guess it's never the most likely suspect. Actually, Mom, in 95% of cases, it is.

Wow, look at all these gadgets. If I were a nerd, I'd be in heaven. Good morning, ma'am. Good afternoon, sir. It passed noon while I was speaking, so that was technically accurate. He's crazy.

With no air conditioning? And the little poop machine going every 20 minutes? I need you guys to help me! Why'd you lock yourselves in? - Why does anyone do anything? - The point is, what's done is done.

Achtung, babies! Curfew is in effect!

Your Honor, I'd like to sue the producers of Police Cops... for $20 million for improper use of my name. Court finds in favor of Police Cops. Next case. Then I'd like to legally change my name. What name would you prefer? Any of these will be fine.

And-- That's for employing me for eight years! Ha-ha! And that is that.

Son, we are about to break the surly bonds of gravity... and punch the face of God!

(SCREAMING) Stupid women drivers! (SCREAMING) Stupid women helicopter pilots! (SCREAMING) Everyone okay?

Yeah, no problem, Chief. Seems like a waste of coffee, though.

We're still going antiquing on Saturday, right, Mother? You see, folks? We're all trying to please someone else. And as soon as you're not a human being, you're a human doing. Then what comes next? A human going!

Studies show the part of the brain that remembers dance steps is also the anger center. So juveniles who know how to fox-trot are 10% less likely to commit a double homicide. Who conducted this study?

Okeydoke. Here's your bill... and your continental breakfast.

just let me put some film in the camera, and then we'll hop in the car. You can get a picture of your mommy with a mummy. Whoops! There goes Carlsbad Caverns. Oh, well. Oh, I can't wait! In just 20 minutes, we'll be in a three-hour line to see the Orb of Isis.

I would throw the book at you, but I've been indicted in the Tailhook scandal. Good-bye. I, too, would punish you, but I'm under indictment for accepting bribes from military contractors. Um, I torpedoed a Carnival Cruise ship. Impersonating the first lady.

I always wondered if there was a God, and now I know. There is, and it's me. You're not a god, Homer. Remember, Dad, all glory is fleeting. So? Beware the Ides of March. No. Dad, I know you think you're happy now, but it's not gonna last forever. Everything lasts forever. Don't you see?

Here we are, kids. The Watergate.

The Grand Exalted Leader requests a moment of your time. Class dismissed. Yea. Lisa, you were right. My happiness is fading.

Hey, Homer. Enough traffic for you? Homer, your spine. Hey, pfft. Screw this.

Shh! Undo! Undo!

The hell I won't. You're forgetting I've got my Powersauce bars. Wake up, Homer. Those bars are just junk. They're made of apple cores and Chinese newspapers. Hey. Deng Xiaoping died.

But this is the first time since we've been married... that I've actually feared for our lives. So I'm asking you, if you really care about me and the children, please, please get rid of the gun.

Because you have impeded science, you must now aid science. Yes. Starting tomorrow, you will assist me with my amateur astronomy.

Now, if you'll excuse me, my fondue is just about-- D'oh!

Time for Dr. TV to perform a little surgery. Looks like you lost the patient, Doc. Shut up, boy. Cheap Chinese TV. Why did I ever buy from-- - Is that better ? - No ! Stupid-- How's this ?

Okay. This tub was installed in 1894. Mmm. Money. Hey, watch it, chief.

Roses. So many roses. just when I think I have you figured out, you fall from the sky with roses. Roses. Oh, Homie. Oh, they're beautiful. Oh, I'm gonna snuggle your brains out.

- "I am a regular dumb kid. - Period.

put on A happy face brush off the clouDs and cheer up put on A happy face Listen to that singing. Those poor fools. Homer, I'm ruined.

Ay, ay, es Homer Simpson. Me ha molestado. ¡Oh!

Uh! Good Lord, what a dump. It's not surprising. This school was once classified... the most dilapidated in all of Missouri. Hmm? Huh? That's why it was shut down and moved here, brick by brick. Look around, Lisa. That grant money could do a lot of good.

Gin and... tonic? Do they mix? Hey, I know a good drink. Really hits the spot. I invented it myself. One night, Marge's beastly sisters were showing slides from their vacation.

Oh, dear. Phew! Boy, that-- Ow! He's waking up! Oh, Homie, I'm so glad you're all right.

All right. Climb in. There's nothing to worry about. Now everyone, go to sleep. Good night. Di-da.

Oh, man. Let me help you dry those tears.

How would you like to be a full-time Sprawl Mart greeter? Is there a chance for advancement? No. Whoo-hoo! No pressure. Evidence suggests that this Ice Age female was alone when she fell into a crevasse.

It's your turn, jimbo. Hmm. Someone's been practicing over the summer. Welcome aboard. Yes! Ow! My lute! Mm-hmm. Lisa Simpson, trying for first chair, saxophone.

I've been so bored since we moved here, I found myself drinking a glass of wine every day. I know doctors say you should drink a glass and a half, but I just can't drink that much.

You will now go back to your hometowns... and do kids' parties, swap meets... and all the other piddly crap I wouldn't touch with a 10-foot clown pole. Now, come and get your cat-skins-- uh, I mean, sheepskins.

Okay, here are your tickets. They're supposed to be good.

Huh? Are you planning to hit Ned Flanders with that pipe... and take his tickets? Ye-- No. - Oh. - Hmm? Flanders, I decided I'd like to go to the game with you. Well, get out the Crayolas and color me tickled pink. Ooh, what's with the lead pipe? Were you gonna give my noggin a floggin'?

That's my dorky little brother, Bart-- tholomew. Who does he think he is with that slingshot in his back pocket? Dennis the Menace?

Hansen's disease. You know, like that horrible cream soda. Well, Dad and Bart ran away, and no one seems to know where they went. Okay. Okay. Calm down. They couldn't have gone too far. Molokai? You mean Hawaii? Mm-hmm. That's the one. They've got a top-notch leper colony there,

Hop in, boy. We'll show your mother our God kicks her God's butt. Back off, you servants of the Holy See! (GUNS COCKING) Easy on the zeal, church-os. I've got something to say.

So did I pass? No. Bart! Careful, men. He wets his pants. Uhh... the devil with his fly open. Right. A spill on the floor with bugs going after it.

Learning? Let's get outta here! Hey! Wow! An original Malibu Stacy from 1958! Ooh! Yeah, they took her off the market after some kid put both his eyes out. Oh, my! Prisoner 24601.

(GASPS) Who's watching the kids? Are you sure Mom and Dad want us to enter a European balloon race? Sure. Why not?

Here you go-- your rubber training knife. You've attained the rank of Pussy Willow.

The kiss of death. That's all I need. lousy Skinner. You are late for work. Of course I'm late for work! Principal Skinner keeps me after school. ThIs Guy Skinner causing you trouble?

Hey, we're just tryin' to have a good time, narc. Why do you want to destroy us? Don't commit your hate crimes here! Hate crime! Okay, I'm heading out now. More butt support. More butt support! D'oh!

So then I says to Mabel. I says-- Hi, kids. I'll finish this later. Hi, Dad. Where's your mother?

How about a Maude mask? I'm Maude. God is super! Can I sit in the car? Let's both sit in the car.

you'll never be able to sneak in and steal Ling back. You look just like a Buddha statue. Now all you need is an expression of utter serenity.

Ah, Mr. Porky! No! Inevitably, the behind-the-scenes turmoil...

Hop to it, honey. If we get to the pops concert early... we can give up our seats to some old people. Daddy, where do babies come from'?

Ooh, they are a ravenous swarm of locusts... just eating and screaming and grabbing and poking and pulling and drooling. And two have cradle rash. How do you get cradle rash when you sleep in a suitcase? They can be a handful... of joy. - Shut up! - They'll fill your lives with--

Guess I forgot to put the fog lights in I better pull over and play it safe. Please be a dog. Oh, no! Ned Flanders!

Excellent. Sorry about the landing, boys. This fog is so thick, i can't see my own cataracts. Uh, purpose of visit?

Oh, that's great. Thank you. Thanks a lot. Uh, I just want to say that it was an honor for me... to compete with the mick and the, uh, chick with the rack there. Yeah, all right, Moe! That's my Moo! And now, to take your official calendar portrait, Duff's vice president in charge of calendars and fake I.D.'s,

Got him, sir! I got his leg. Uh, Krusty the Clown, everybody. Please look at my MedicAlert bracelet.

They fight, they bite They fight and bite and fight Fight, fight, fight Bite, bite, bite The Itchy & Scratchy Show

Take two! Take three!

Don't bitch to me, boss man. Thanks to the latest budget cuts, I'm down to using Grade "F" meat. Wouldn't it be wonderful if there was some sort of common solution to both our problems?

it's the kind of place That makes a bum feel like a king

Time for some shuba-duba in Aruba. Oh, my God! Moe, did you see something troubling on the tarmac? No. Why do you say that?

Oh, Homey, I'm so sorry.

I think words I would never say. I know you can read my thoughts, boy. Meow meow meow meow Meow meow meow meow Meow meow meow meow Meow meow meow meow I intend to prove that Freddy Quimby is totally innocent.

ten bucks an hour to get top-notch therapy. Hello. Radio Psychic. You will die a terrible, terrible death. Ooh, I'm sorry. That was our last caller. Okay, I'm getting something now. Huh. Okay, you will die a terrible, terrible death. But I-- Thank you for calling Radio Psychic.

Look, our ratings are down, and the station is being swamped... with angry calls and letter bombs. And it's all your fault. Yes, it is, ma'am. This is the Dj-3000.

I'd love to. D'oh! Did you hear that? - Yes. - How much? Everything. What's the quickest, easiest way to do something with you? Take us to the video store?

Happy birthday to me happy birthday to me happy birthday, overlooked middle child happy birthday to me

My chair! It's... got a mind of its own! - Help me, Mr. Spock! - Shazbot! My captain is in peril.

than by reciting the Pledge of Allegiance together. Why don't you lead us, son? Hey, America, you're So fine. You're so fine, you bLow my mind. America.

Nobody talks to me that way! I'm Homer Simpson, the most powerful food critic in town, who will never get his comeuppance! You hear me? No comeuppance! We'll be right back.

No. What I said was he sleeps with the fishes. You see-- Uh, Tony, please! No. I just ate a whole plate of "dingamagoo."

Whoa. That isn't good. Stop the ride! I'll have to ask my supervisor. Better stop it.

Now, don't panic. Is it bacon day? No. That's crazy talk. She's getting impatient. Take a stab at it.

Uh-oh. Looks like you bought more than you bargained for.

and see if Stacy... can help... invent... me... young-- Help! - You're getting a job! - Yes! I'm going where the action is! Come in? Come in! Mayday! I'm losing your transmission!

jebediah Springfield was-- jebediah was... great. I, um, just wanted to say... that I've done some research, and, uh, he was great.

Apology accepted.

simply by pressing this "Play" button. Pretty sweet, hey?

Those fingers through my hair that sly come-hither stare that strips my conscience bare it's witchcraft Give me three fingers of milk, Ma.

Oh, Mr. Mooney, I just gotta meet Bob Cummings! Viv! Oh, boy! Free trading cards! Wow! joseph of Aramathea! Twenty-six conversions in A.D. 46!

Hee-hee-hee-hee! Bart, you're not laughing. Too subtle? No, I'm just depressed. Milhouse's mom won't let me play with him anymore.

Maybe you shouldn't talk into it as loud as your father does. Testing.

Ooh, boy, Flipsy! You and I are going on a road trip. Whoa! Ha-ha.

So, Homer, you think you can fix my sciatica? Hmm. I don't know what that is, so I'm gonna say yes. Now go limp. I'm limp. One, two, better not sue.

No, no, that'll be fine. Thank you. Good-bye.

I say Phantom Menace sucked more! I say Attack of the Clones sucked more!

Boy, lenny, you sure look hungry. - Have some nuts. - Hey, thanks. Ow! My eye! Ow! Ow! Ow! Now, if you wanna be the life of the party like Lenny here,

Bart ! Stop Fighting with your sister ! She took my glue ! Uh ! It's not yours, Bart ! This is family glue ! Stop it, you two ! This is Thanksgiving ! So glue friendly, or I'll take your glue away... and then no one will have any glue to glue with ! Dad, this isn't about glue. It's about territoriality.

Did I mention this book was written... by a guy named Robert Louis Stevenson ? And published by the good people at McGraw-Hill. So, in conclusion, on the Simpson scale of one to ten-- ten being the highest, one being the lowest and five being average-- I give this book a nine. Any questions ?

I've been muscled out of everything I've ever done, including my muscle-for-hire business. My poor Homie. Couldn't you try some other far-out moneymaking scheme? Ah, what's the point? You could raise some emus. Emus? Really?

What's wrong with this phone? It's making crazy noises.

Duff beer For me duff beer For you i'll have A duff you have one too Bart! Lisa!

Oh, can we keep him, dad, please ? But he's a loser ! He's pathetic ! He's-- A Simpson.

Kids, your father made us breakfast! Yay! Go, go, go, go, gol Okay! Say, Homer, lwas, uh- I was wondering if I could borrow... that chainsaw you, uh, stole from me. Yeah. But you have to leave a credit card.

I'm writing a novel!

Pleasant aroma, rich, full body, well-aged and the wine's not bad either. (BOTH LAUGHING) Oh, stop it, Seinfeld. (CHUCKLING) We always get the hicks on Saturdays. "Lord Krylac, if you want to take that deduction,

Cool. Come on, Bart. We're going to see Buddy Hodges. - The guy who played Fallout Boy on TV ? - Yep. Wow. I guess he wasn't killed in Vietnam. Ahh, these Laramie cigarettes... give me the steady nerves I need to combat evil.

She's such a butthole.

Well, it was written in 1845. Maybe people were easier to scare back then. Oh, yeah. Like when you look at Friday the 13th, part one. It's pretty tame by today's standards. Children ! Bedtime ! I guess I'll have no trouble gettin' to sleep tonight.

Hmm. Good. Does anyone else have a love story? Yes, I do, and just like your love stories, it's tragic and filled with hurt feelings... and scars that will never heal.

You know, if you wanna last in this business, you gotta stay fresh.

Uh, Homer Simpson, sir. Simpson, eh? Good man? Intelligent? Actually, he was hired under "Project Bootstrap." Thank you, President Ford.

Mother always said don't complain. Be good. Behave. Behave. Be nice. Smile. Be polite. Don't make waves. You heard your mother's ramblings. She's fine, so behave! Marge, it's 3:00 a.m.

My enchanted shin! How did you know that was the source of my power? Whoa! Bart, you saved me!

It's like the more you give the more I want and baby, that's no-- That's no lie Tell me, what can I say in here. What am I gonna do how should I feel--

You're very lucky to have Mom. That's your advice? Go to bed! Good morning!

Oh, Mr. Mooney, I just gotta meet Bob Cummings! Viv!

board meetings. You're fired. Bart's birthday's coming up. But order now, supply is limited. Limited! Do you have any of those microphones left? Yeah, a couple. Bart's really going to like my birthday present this year.

'Cause I speak of the pompatus of love Hey, Homer, you're late for English. English ! Who needs that ? I'm never going to England. Come on, let's go smoke. I'm for equal rights, but do we really need a whole amendment ?

Hmm? Pressure dropping, humidity rising over 80%, increasing wind? Here we are. Chapter 2. "So your pressure is dropping."

Orphans lighting candles over a leaking gas line. Lighting candles?

Hey, Homer, let's book! I want to whip eggs at the warm-up act. Wow, my concert-going jacket still fits. And this is where I used to hide my beer. Billy Beer! My little guy's first rock concert.

Cancel the world search. I want everything that's coming to Krusty the Clown, which is me, Krusty! Hey, it's Krusty, all right. Should I shoot him gangland style or execution style?

They used to be men. The point is, ya gotta squeeze every penny. Come on, let me hear you. Squeeze every penny. Squeeze every penny. I'm squeezing. I'm squeezing it. Hey, I squeezed so hard it went into my hand.

You gotta slow your car down and let me in because I'm a big fat guy and I can't go anywhere. Because there's gonna be some poison gas. There's gonna be really poison gas. Everybody's gonna be dead, especially me! D'oh!

J And dreams of gouging out his eyes J J I’ve grown accustomed to my hate J J My plans to lacerateJ J To disembowel J J To hear him howl J

Feels like I'm wearing nothin' at all. Quit it! Must wash eyes! Uh-oh. Ooh.

You should be livin' like there's no tomorrow. And I know just the place. Ahh. Is this the life, or what? You want me to turn on the bubbles?

Isn't she beautiful? Little Miss Springfield? First, Tony Randall cancels. Now this. Hey, what gives here? This is bogus! Hey! Where do you think you're goin'? We want Miss Springfield! Hey, set me down at that boat show.

that to hire professionals to do all the jobs of a housewife, who, incidentally, is not married to a house, would cost $48,000 a year. Right on, sister ! The first step to liberation... is to free ourselves from these male-imposed shackles ! Whoo ! Yeah, Mama ! Take it off !

Yeah, funny thing that. You said the end was coming, so I sold the bar to some Japanese businessmen and gave the money to charity. Now them orphans got new skip ropes, and I end every day smelling like eel. Cats are all over me. Thank you, though. You did me a solid.

You can't take our doughnuts!

(ULULATING) But not everyone is ululating tonight. The President announced today he is pointing warheads at... Turn that off. This could destroy our town. Look what happened to Hitler City, North Carolina. If they hadn't changed their name to Charlotte, they'd be sunk. Sir, conventions are pulling out of Springfield left and right.

not one member of our police force is slender enough to rescue the boy. By God, men, you're a bunch of marshmallows. Why don't you go, Chief? Well, I'm too... ...important. Timmy has told us his foot is trapped under a rock. Any attempt to pull him up would snap him like a twig.

Boy, I really hope somebody got fired for that blunder. Uh, well, uh-- I'll field this one. Let me ask you a question. Why would a man whose shirt says "genius at work"... spend all of his time watching a children's cartoon show?

What the hell! Oh, no! Oh, man!

And we laugh legitimately. There's a mathematician, a different kind of mathematician and a statistician. Make it stop! No, not another boring space launch. Change the channel! Change the channel! I can't! I can't!

(GUNS COCKING) (GASPS) Drop the corn, tighty-whitey! What? I didn't do anything! We'll let a judge be the judge of that! Yo, Chief, we found the kid! Wow. For once I did everything right. What's going on? I didn't know he was here! I swear! Uh, Chief?

Homer! - What? - Are you ready?

(CHOKING) We're going downhill and I can't reach the brakes! (BOTH SCREAM)

Now drop your pants. Yeah, b-- but my hands are up! Hula out of them! All right, Officer. Eh-- Where the-- What the heck is goin' on out there?

It means he spends more time yakking and scarfing down doughnuts than doing his job. Oh, okay. I thought you were putting him down. You know, I defy anyone to tell the difference... between these doughnuts and ones baked today.

Parking here is terrible. This man has no love for his power plant. Begone from my sight. That one's always been a problem. One, two, three. "Community Chest." Nah. Nah. Ah!

Fran, it's me. Just a heads-up.

Oh, my God! He's got the precious cable-TV cable!

(BEEPING) Meh. So that's how Jenda dumped me.

Oh, stupid rod. I got gypped. Homie, you should be proud.

Oh, if he thinks George Bush'll stay out of the sewer, he doesn't know George Bush. Hey, turkeys! Behind ya. For the last time, Bush, apologize for spanking my boy! Never. You make him apologize for destroying my memoirs. You didn't tell me you destroyed his memoirs. Never!

But every cave had a national anthem. I'll never forget my cave's national anthem. What was that national anthem? Let 'em all go to hell except Cave 76 What's with the si-- What's with the siren? Evening, Simpson. You've got a short in your taillight.

- It's for you. - D'oh! I'll show you!

Aye, aye, Captain.

Don't tell him. Give him a fake name. Homer Simpson. Doh ! Simpson, huh ?

Three, two, one...

Yo, Ottoman ! Yo, Bartdude ! Hey, can you believe it, man ? My sister here made a whole pile up cupcakes to butter up her teacher, and she won't give anybody else even one measly little crumb. That's bad news, man. Here, Otto. I made an extra one for you. Oh, thanks, little lady. You're welcome.

It's the man with the braces. I'm also your host. Now let's meet a ghost. Mrs. Bellamy? There never was a Mrs. Bellamy. Only me, Carmen Electra. I knew it! And I'm some actor they hired.

In fact, I'll be the nicest man in town. You've made that promise before. Yes. But this time I'm sober-ish.

Move the net under the window! There's no net!

So, the D.N.A. was right. It must have been-- Oh, Dad! Attention, all units. Homer Simpson has been sighted. Proceed at once to Marvin Monroe Memorial Hospital. Be careful when we capture him.

But those women are quitters!

Son, are you okay? I brought a homemade first aid kit! It's spring-loaded for quick access. (SCREAMING)

You can't buy that kind of P.R., but you can get it for nothing by having a baby, which, by the way, your insurance will cover except for the deductible, which I'll reimburse you for if you get the part,

I mean, Santa's Little Helper.

Boring. Boring. Boring.

A monster! Is this you? If it is, don't dial 911. Simply dial... 636-555-3472.

Seymour, your friend Bart is here! I know, Mother! - Seymour, do you want me to tell you when it's 7:30? - No, Mother! Ned Flanders actually eliminated detention... and put the whole school on the honor system?

And on my free African safari, I wanna do everything on this box. I want to shoot a lion in the face, fight Muhammad Ali... and ride in a convertible with two happy zebras.

When she sees you'll do anything she says, she's bound to respect you. Sure! What's a big sister for?

Still dark. Better use the generator.

Maggie, push the red button. You can do it! Red!

We have a winner! These will be great for advancing our research. Yes. Our research. Touché.

Which, if true, means death for us all. And now, "Kent's People." Tonight's inspiring story is about Frank Grimes, a 35-year-old "Springfieldite" who has earned everything the hard way, but never let adversity get him down.

Well, sir, advertising is a funny thing. If people stop paying attention to it, pretty soon it goes away. Like that old woman who couldn't find the beef? Exactly! If you stop paying attention to the monsters, they'll lose their powers.

- Oh! - Marge! Your shoe!

Oh, I see. Mom, they expect you to lie a little. "Worked for the Carter Administration"? Well, you voted for him... twice! Lisa, shh! Someone might be listening.

Something much more else. Homer, can I please knock off? I've got surgery in the morning. Not if those gutters aren't clean, you don't. (MUTTERS) So as I was saying, Homer, Mondays, 9:00, CBS.

What's going on out there ? I think Bart's stupid again, Mom. Oh, well. You can't stay in there forever ! I can try. March your butt right out here, now !

The wrestler? Come on, tubby. Get off the court. Scat! Come on, let's play. I've gotta tape a Ho Hos commercial. Which one am I, Serena or Venus? You're Andre. I'm Serena.

Let's wait until they burn the school down. Oh, my God! Homer, they're right next door. Relax, Marge. If someone tries to get in here, my burglar alarm will let us know. Watch the fish, Marge.

I feel sorry for you. Next on Smartline, the Springfield angel controversy. Our guest tonight, making her 13th appearance on Smartline, Miss Lisa Simpson. Kent. Miss Simpson, how can you maintain your skepticism... in spite of the fact this thing really, really looks like an angel?

D'egh! G'yah! D'oh! You're a travesty of a f-- joke of an assistant!

star of the reprehensible McBain movies.

Yes! Got 'em. U.S.A.! U.S.A.! U.S.-- Lisa!

I've gotta convince my supervisor to give me a leave of absence. Sure. What would you like ? Four years ? Five years. So, Simpson, you really moving to Capital City ? That's right, Ned. And all this stuff is for sale, huh ?

Stop that! If you want some food, I'll be happy to make you some breakfast. I'd kill for some waffles. He has.

No, it's not. It's my tummy. I mean stomach. Gut. Crap factory. Wait a minute. We had a cooler full of snacks on the bus. Hey, yeah. And I think I know how I can get it. Hey! I need that to live.

Homer, there's a man here who thinks he can help you. Batman? No, he's a scientist. Batman's a scientist. It's not Batman! I think I have a way to stop the train. You need to find an anchor of some sort.

Good boy ! Hi, Dad. I think stealing cable is wrong. I'm choosing not to watch it in the hope that others will follow my example. It's the last you'll hear from me on the matter. Thank you for your time. Hey, Lisa ! Racing from Belmont ? Horsies ! - Sorry. I'd rather go to heaven. - Hmm.

Make the protesters go away, and I'll give you the entire bottle.

Lousy "Smarch" weather. "Do not touch Willie." Good advice. Huh?

All right! Everybody in the pool! - 'Tis a fine barn, but sure 'tis no pool, English. - D'oh-ith!

We used to eat this when my dad was stationed in "Vandihar." Take your kafta b'Sounieh and dip it in the labneh. Now, that is good labneh.

(CHEERING LOUDER) You guys are such party animals, we're gonna skip the safety check and just take off! (CHEERING LOUDLY)

Wow. Even I didn't know he was so committed to recycling. See? I told you Mr. Burns has changed. See? Lisa, nobody likes a gloater. Right, Homie? Uh-huh. See?

Take me home. Oh, don't be that way, Homer. - I'll scream. - Okay, okay. So how was your ride with Barney? I don't wanna talk about it.

And I don't think George Washington will ever be the same.

"The Barney Bugle"? Lisa, you've made me realize the importance of free and independent media. So I printed my own paper! Although, it's mostly culled from wire services.

Uh, I don't want to judge the rightness of your ego orientation, but my inner critic says you should've done your job. Hey, now, Marge. Let's not "should" this fella to death. Yeah. Next you'll be laying a guilt-trip on me for not oiling that Ferris wheel.

Now you really are my son. This calls for a celebration. Let's fire some employees.

Simpson! You're batting for Strawberry. I am? Whoo-hoo! That a boy, Homer. You can do it. All right, Simpson. Let's go over the signals. - If I tug the bill of my cap like so - Yeah. - it means the signal is a fake. - Uh-huh. - I can take that off by dusting my hands thusly. - Got it.

You're on your honor not to steal anything. Oh, we won't. Little jamshed, the store is in your hands. How I have waited for this day.

The reception in there sucked. When I was just a little girl

Whoa, man. Look at the size of this thing. I wonder if it really works. 'Cause I got a lot of spying to do.

Wow! How many home runs you going to hit with that? We play 30 games, ten at bats a game-- 3,000. Hit one here, Charlie!

Frozen earlobes, trudging up that stupid sled hill over and over again. How good could it be ?

Homer 13 is spinning out of control!

And how long have you been on the streets ? Goin' on five years, Kent. Your family might be watching. Is there anything you'd like to say to them ? Yes, there is, Kent. Ha, ha ! I didn't apologize. Oh, no ! My sweet little Bart !

How about a feature columnist? Yeah, I'm a feature columnist! (IMITATING SIREN BLARING) Good day. Hello. Great glayvin's ghost! He's alive! Yes, that's right. I pulled a Jesus. Have a nickel.

Maggie, cut that racket!

Mr. Burns, we've got witnesses, precedent and a paper trail a mile long. Yes, well, I have 10 high-priced lawyers. He left his briefcase. Hey! It's full of shredded newspapers.

Well, I just felt like filling the house with the rich, satisfying smell of tobacco. You're nuts.

What am I gonna do ? I've murdered us all ! I've murdered us all ! I've murdered us all ! Shut up ! Shut up ! Shut up ! D-oh ! D-oh ! D-oh !

Hey, this stupid machine took my money!

And I'd like to suggest that I do. Excuse me. I'd like to hear from Lionel Hutz. It's a thorny legal issue, all right. I'll need to refer to the case of Finders versus Keepers. Oh, we can work this out, friends. In the spirit of sharing, what say we simply place...

Ow! That really hurt!

it's f-r-i-t-z mein bratwurst has A second name it's s-c-h-n-a-c-k-e-n- P-f-e-f-f-e-r-h-a-u-s-e-n Shary Bobbins, I want another beer. Well, you know, Homer--

Look! Achy Breaky Stacy for $1.99! Live from the Improv Stacy's only 89 cents. Ew! Hey, mister. What's in the box? Um, it's the, uh, new Talking Malibu Stacy.

Knock-knock. Mr. Burns! Where's Mr. Smithers? He's doing 80 years on an opium bust. I never saw a man take to a Turkish prison so quickly.

(MUMBLING) Homer drunk? But how? Hmm. Round and round the bottle twirls, I hope it stops on one of the girls.

Now, the naturalist who took these absolutely extraordinary pictures... was most impressed with the creature's uncivilized look, its foul language and, most of all, its indescribable stench. A popular supermarket tabloid has offered a reward of $5,000...

Why, you little...!

You have cooties! You have cooties! No, I don't! Lisa Simpson, report to the principal's office...

I'm the executor of Beatrice Simmons' estate. Mr. Simpson, Bea was a wealthy woman and, surprise, surprise, she left everything to you. Really ?

Yes. You have very lucky dishes, Mr. Simpson. This soap is from the sacred forest of Hokkaido, renowned for its countless soap factories. Hokkaido, eh?

Wow. I can't believe someone I never heard of... is hanging out with a guy like me.

I went to the record store today and they were playing all this music I never heard of. It was like the store had gone crazy. Hmm. Record stores have always seemed crazy to me, but it doesn't upset me. Music is none of my business. That's fine for you, Marge, but I used to rock and roll all night and party ev-er-y day. Then it was every other day.

Lousy Homer. I'll show him. Tonight his beloved mock apple pie will have real apples. Wha--

I love this show. Well, well. Look who's come to apologize. Come on! Let's go in there and get the bear! Hah! I got it.

Ah. The last peanut--

Flush! It's a miracle! I performed a miracle! I'm a genius! Yeah, yeah. Hurry, everyone! We don't have much time!

Well, it's been a tad harder than I thought. But I'm not complaining, 'cause I work for a sweet, sweet boss. You're our foreman, Maude. She's still bossing you around from beyond the grave? Can they do that? No, I don't mind, but my greenback stack's gettin' kind of slack.

How many of you children have gone out to your car and found a flyer on the windshield? Are you the guy that puts 'em there? No. I-I'm his assistant. But one time he was sick and he let me do it. I totally screwed it up. Uh, um, that-that's it.

Welcome to Remedial Science 1-A. My, uh, wife recently passed away. I thought teaching might ease my loneliness. Will this be on the test? No!

Hmm. No. We don't have any record of you giving the hospital any money, Mr. Burns. Oh, but we did get a very generous donation from a Mr. Homer Simpson. What? It's not fair. It's not fair! YOu--

Buddhists don't get any desserts in their lunches. A Buddhist wouldn't want any. Hey, Simpson, I hear your sister dumped Christianity. Who cares? I'll tell you someone who cares. He's got long hair, works as a carpenter,

- Bart! - Look inside. Oh. Thanks, Bart. I signed it too. Uh-huh.

I'll give you this bottle of chloroform if you'll take us to the Who. D'oh! Oh, so you wanna see the Who, huh? Well, I'll take you to the Who. Here's your Who!

Oh. We gotta get you a present.

Fire, man's oldest foe. Insatiable, remorseless, unquenchable. Hey, it's out. Coming up next, which work better-- springy clothespins or the other kind?

Attention, Springfield. We have barricaded ourselves in the school... and are not coming down until our demands are met. Willie hears ya. Willie don't care. Obviously, you two have no experience causing a scene.

Good morning, Mr. Skinner.

It was more than a motor home. It was a car I could go to the bathroom in. (WAILING) Hey, a note. MARGE: "Dear Mom and Dad, "we don't want you guys to split up, "so we're driving the RV back to the dealer."

Is, uh, there a button or a release for these keys? Oh. You have to push in as you turn. Ah. Yeah, that's it. Who are you? We are your business partners, and as such, we are entitled to a percentage of your profits, something in the area of 100%.

Gosh. $50,000. I'm donating this whole check to Bibles for Belgians.

Or I will be soon, 'cause it needs some cleaning!

You think you're so great just because you have godlike powers! Stand away from milady!

I'm sorry I ran off. Being second to Maggie's not so bad. But why didn't Maggie press the right button until I told her to? PHILIPPA: I believe I can answer that. How'd you get in here? Your butler let us in. Play along. I'll explain later. I'm afraid your daughter's no longer welcome at our school.

Okay, okay. Think, Homer. The dog.

Wow. What a high-tech wonderland. Oop, got an itch. Ew.

We were seniors in high school, but we had never even met. Why do birds Ugh. GrOSS. Suddenly-- Ahh !

The whole trunk's full of 'em, Marge. Got any fruits or vegetables? Hey! Mr. Wimbley, it happened again.

No, Ultrasuede is a miracle. This is just good timing. Oh. Oh. Oh, Homie, I'm so glad you're safe. Hmm. You feel softer than before. I've been tenderized. How'd you know that thing would work? The sound is just brutal, and I figured reindeer would naturally be afraid...

Children, i'll be frank.

Leonard Nimoy? What are you doing here? Wherever there is mystery and the unexplained, cosmic forces shall draw me near. Uh-huh. Hey, Spock! What do you want on your hot dog? Surprise me.

Uh, it didn't seem fair to choose. BABY 1: Ha-ha! BABY 2: Ha-ha!

Uh... I'll smoke it in class. Whoa! Whoa! Bart, you're doing a bang-up Job.

Rasta-Mon-Opoly. Galip-Olopoly. Edna Krabappoly. Let's stick to original Monopoly. The game is crazy enough as it is. How can an iron be a landlord? Pennsylvania Avenue. I want to buy a house. Hey, where'd they go?

Don't worry. I saved the receipt. We'll have a $3,300 credit at Chanel. They have beer and gum, right? Come on. Let's go. I wouldn't want to join any club that would have this me as a member. It's okay. Those snobs never would've made us members anyway.

Well, who's mad now? Hi, there.

Make it good. Eat my shorts. Eat My Shorts. Okay, let's see. Hey, wait a minute, you little punk! EaT my shorts is in the fifth race! I said the third race! Don't have a cow. Don't Have a Cow in the third. Put a deuce on him. While we are waiting to see how lucky you are, let me show you around.

Aah! My vision. That's it.

Now, each one of you take a floor and get started. I call the basement. Fine. D'oh? D'Oh! I'm tired. I'm hungry. Can't we just buy a new house? Oh, Bart, cleaning doesn't have to be a chore. Here, work to the music.

Please! I'm gettin' egged on the street! Do somethin'! Do somethin'! Uh, hi, Mr. Meyers. I've been doing some thinking, and I got some ideas to improve the show. I got it right here.

Trust in yourself and you can achieve anything. All right! Now all we need is a name. How 'bout "Blabbermouth, the jerky Doll for jerks"? How 'bout Minerva, after the Roman goddess of wisdom? Mm, not enough commercial appeal.

People of Earth, this is Bartron-- commander of the Martian invasion force. Your planet is in our hands. Resistance is useless. We have captured your president. He was delicious. Why, you little... Wait A minute.

The boys certainly are taking a long time.

Hmm. I did too. Better get the gun. Where's he going ? Probably to get the old man his pipe and slippers.

Man, that Princess Tempura's one heck of a Transformazoid. Wait. I'm confused. Why was a wolf shooting a web?

Oh, it's been a month. Why won't anything grow? Maybe it needs more fertilizer. I'm only one man, Marge. Well, it's probably just a bad growing season. Hot diggety! It's up to her eye! - Time to harvest, boys! - Whoo! Nice work, Petunia.

No! No! Then he'll know I told! Dad, you said I could trust you. Okay. We'll work this out together. First things first-- Where is Knoxville?

For the love of God, cut to the commercial! Poor Krusty! A man who envies our family is a man who needs help. We've got to do something. Let's move.

Homie, how long do you plan to do this? I don't know. How long do horses live? 30 years. D'oh. Mustn't sleep. Must monitor core.

No! Now if you'll excuse us, we'll just be-- Does that ever work? No. No, never does. Book 'im, Lou. Yeah, sure. Go ahead. I'll be back on the streets by dinnertime! You'll see. And the elephant that couldn't stop laughing was put to death.

- Hey, you know, I once knew a man from Nantucket. - And? Let's just say the stories about him are greatly exaggerated. Howdy, gangstas. I am average American joe salary-man waiter.

- Works for me when I get bubbly gum in the old push broom. - That sounds okay. Aaah! Aaah! - Stop! Stop! - Hmm. I seem to have mashed more hair into it. Oh, well. Ice cubes are useless, man. Chewing gum's got to be chewed out. Does the whole town have to hear about this?

Hey, Dad, how come we can't get a decent mower, like the Flanders have ? just be happy with what you've got, son. Don't try to keep up with the Flanders'.

I'm telling you Flanders' store was dee-serted. What do you think of your bestest buddy now? Dad, do you know what "schadenfreude" is? No, I do not know what "schadenfreude" is. Please tell me because I'm dying to know.

MALE VOICE: Doggone it. I am too old and too rich for this. Thanks for not killing me, Homie. Here's an extra pork chop. (LAUGHING) I'm gonna not kill you every week.

We've been lookin' all over for you, Dad. Where did you land? Nowhere famous. Where'd you get that muffin? Gersh Agency. Apu, I'm about to purchase some weird and fruity items, and I don't want any guff.

No good! Don't blame me!

Oh, that's awful. And look at your little ears. Yeah, there's extensive cauliflowering.

Aw, rats. Another gutter ball. Gee, Homer, you sure do suck tonight. Yeah, suck like a fox!

All right ! All right ! I'll walk in the mud ! - Homer ? - Marge ? Yeah. You want a ride ? Sure.

Get out, Homer. Look, I married her, but that is as far as we went. We never ever made whoopee. Or even mouth whoopee. Homer, I don't know if I can ever forgive you. Please go away. Fair enough.

(SNORING) Cuckold! Cuckold! Cuckold! What's a cuckold?

Thank you, Homer, for saving my plant with that idiotic rhyming! Do you even know what button you pushed?! Sure-- moe. Eeny, meeny, miney, moe. Is Homer a hero? The answer is no. I'm Kent Brockman and that was "My Two Cents."

My boyfriend has a metal tongue stud. Who cares what's on his tongue, long as he's a stud where it counts. I'm talkin' downtown. Marge, what was Homer like before he broke his jaw? Well, he would eat all the time.

Yeah, Dad. You can be the world's laziest stunt organizer. Why, you little--

I'm going to share something with you. Hop in. Ooh ! Cushy ! Homer, they're trying to shut us down. They say we're contaminating the planet. Well, nobody's perfect. Can't the government just get off our backs ?

I feel the same about you.

at the secret affairs of Kennedy, Eisenhower, Bush and Clinton. Did fooling around on their wives make them great? We'll find out next when we play "Hail to the Cheat." The Burmese melon fly has over 1,000 sex partners... and suffers virtually no guilt. Ooh! just do it.

Ahhh! (SNOWBALL II MEOWING) Shame on you two creeps!

Yea! Yeah. Wow! That was really entertaining. How did you make that smoke? Yeah! All right! Whoo! All right!

if you give them half-- Look ! There it is-- The head ! Kill him !

Oh, my God! Baah! She must think you're after her eggs. I only ate one!

First, let's review the minutes from our last meeting. Get to the money! Get to the money! Get to the money! Very well.

Ow! Okay, Bart. I'll sweet talk the sheriff while you grab his keys. What should I do? Restock the possum bar. We're almost out of claws. - Ohh! - My goodness. What a lovely suit, Sheriff. Is that seersucker?

come on and-a groove me, baby hey Good God it make me feel so good inside, mama

I'll be frank with you. When I say frank, I mean devastating. You've inherited a finger condition known as stubbiness. It usually comes from the father's side. D'Oh! Stupid fingers.

Well, we sure could use a pooch to guard the flock at the Flanderosa. It'd be nice to have some companionship when Mother goes out on dates. We could use a new pet over at the home, seeing how we accidentally killed that smart-mouthed bird.

Bleh! This virtual fudge tastes like crap. Mmm. Mmm. Not half as good as cyber-fudge. Yo. It's me! Oh, what a bleak, horrible future we live in!

Eugene Fisk. Isn't he your assistant ? No ! My supervisor. Didn't he use to be your assistant ? Hey, What is this, the Spanish Inquisition ? Sorry, Homer. Uh-oh, it's the "fe-mailman." Female carrier, Bart. Lady, where's my spy camera ?

Now, this is a picture of your enemy, Todd Flanders. Every day I want you to spend 15 minutes staring at it... and concentrating on how much you hate him...

I guess it's obvious what's happened here. Bart Simpson has somehow managed to sneak his bedroom into my house. Well, come on! Use your imaginations! No, Dad. I did it. It's your classic cry for attention.

And walk this land Who controls the British crown

Slow down, punk! Uh-oh. I'm free! Whoo-hoo!

Hello? Is this, uh, G.B.M.?

Our residents... are trying... to nap!

Oh, my God! This man is my exact double! That dog has a puffy tail! Here, Puff!

Mom! My fellow Americans, and voting illegal aliens, I will not mince words. Your country needs you. That's why today I'm proposing a temporary refund adjustment. Refund? Hey, sounds good to me. Sure beats a tax. We love you, President Simpson!

Well, Mom, you really brought out the mung in these beans. Actually, that was Becky too. What are these things in the mashed potatoes? That's the skins. I left them on.

They took the foam off the market because they found out it was poisonous. But if you ask me, if you're dumb enough to eat it, you deserve to die.

Ahhh. Oh, you are so cute. Yes, you are. You are. I just love you. See? It was a good idea to come here after all. Attention, families. This is Mother Goose. The following cars have been broken into--

Hello. So, what brings you to America? I have come to see the woman for whom Apu was willing... to disgrace his family and spit on his culture. Ah. Here I am.

He says he hasn't seen our kids. But if they show up in the morgue, he's gonna fax us. Oh, man! I hate those Shelbyville jerks. Honey, I was born in Shelbyville. And it tears me up inside! This is my fault. I tried to teach Bart about town pride.

Turns out that Krusty is one of the biggest tax cheats in history. And they nailed him, all thanks to you. Some might say you're a hero, kid. Not me, however. I love Krusty.

The kick is up. It's looking good. The ball is turning into a fat, bald guy. Aahh! oof!

What’s that? I'm adog!

That's right. It's Bi-Mon-Sci-Fi-Con. Come meet all your favorite stars: Mark Hamill, Alf, and many more. Plus tag team robot wrestling. It's the mighty robots of Battlestar Galactica versus the gay robots of Star Wars.

january 1st. Better get goin' on those taxes, Neddie. Hmm. Let's see. Cash register ink. Well, that's a business expense, isn't it? I--

It's a landslide! Yes on 24. The proposition passed with a record 95%. When are people going to learn? Democracy doesn't work! Please don't knock the land that I love.

What? How dare you disturb me during nap time? We're from the Nuclear Regulatory Commission.

Oh, man, Homer wussed out. I'm so disillusioned. Hey, Hullabalooza isn't about freaks. It's about music and advertising... and youth-oriented product positioning.

The leatheroleum covers were worth the extra money! Oh! You can smell the benzene! Oh, when the kids see these layouts and fonts, you're going to be the most popular girl in school! You know something, Beezee? I think you're right.

- Hey, Bart! Hiya, Bart! - Hey, Bart! Hello, Mrs. Cumberdale. People! People! It's time we all discussed the pool safety rules. jump, Bart! Jump! jump, Bart! Jump!

That is so sad.

Bart, you are the closest thing to a man my life and that's so depressing I think I'm to cry. Aah..! Oh, fudge... That's broken.

it won't be long till happiness steps up to greet me

- ts Mr. Burns! - With a Fox attitude! Think about it, my hideous children. Arent you better off now than you were as humans? Me gusto pollen. Disco Shrew can still boogaloo.

Now don't you fellas worry. This'll all be over soon. And-- What the-- We gotta get rid of that window. Where'd he go?

I really wish they wouldn't scream.

Mrs. Burns is 122 years old, so try to sound more desiccated. And she doesn't call her son "Mr. Burns."

Dad is taking this in a less-than-heroic fashion.

Huh? Donuts. Is there anything they can't do?

Here you go. The results of last month's mayoral election. All 48,000 voters and who each one of them voted for. I thought this was a secret ballot. Meh.

Like hell it has. If anybody's gonna play Obi, it's me. Step away, foolish amateurs. Just keep back. Keep out of it. The role is mine. With the acting and the groupies and the "Luke, Luke, save me"... with the light saber and the "vwing, vwing, vwing." That's not how you "vwing."

They-- They ate the comment book! All right. Geez. Hey! Hey! My class ring! Oh, thanks a lot. Hey! An Indian casino! God bless Native America!

What do you think? It's good. A little too good for an eight-year-old. Me thinks I detect the sickly scent of the daddy. Mr. Simpson, I'd like to ask you a few questions about your daughter's essay. Lisa, will you excuse us? Okay. "We the purple"? What the hell was that?

Oh, P.U., what were you drinking, gasoline? Yes, I was drinking gasoline, Mother. Uh, Krusty. Hang on, kid. I got a tack in my head.

The topic was love. Why hasn't anyone called? Maybe people don't want an eight-year-old babysitter, honey. Parents need to be sure their sitter can handle anything that might happen. That's why they hire teenagers.

Well, we try to make a difference. "Dear Bart and Lisa"--

Lord help you if you drive a standard transmission. I'm opening up a one-stop store for southpaws. Everything from left-handed apple peelers to left-handed scissors.

Now, look here, mister. I pay the bills, I do the budget, and I'm in charge of the money. - Hmm! - Hmm!

Okay. Maybe you should just stop entirely. Herman, how could you? We've all thought about counterfeiting jeans at one time or another, but what about the victims? Hardworking designers like Calvin Klein, Gloria Vanderbilt, or Antoine Bugle Boy?

Homer, we're out of vodka. Tell the people, Homer. They have a right to know... about the celebrity summer house. Who the hell are you? What do you care? I'm telling you what you want to hear.

Ay, caramba ! Now, whatever you do, boy, don't squirm. You don't wanna get this sucker near your eye or your groin.

After evaluating millions of pieces of data in the blink of an eye the Gamble-Tron 2000 says the winner is... Cincinnati by 200 points?! Why, you worthless hunk of junk! You want this, don't you?

Thank you, Raphael. Now this is a ticklish question, but--

Did she just tell me to shut up? Take it outside. You'll want a locker in this hallway. It's library-adjacent. Is that perfume? Oh! Don't be such a Phoebe. It's Pretension by Calvin Klein. Wanna try some? Mm-mmm.

Wow! Governors Island looks so insignificant from up here. Hey, immigrants, beat it! Country's full! Okay, folks. You heard the lady. Back into the hold. We'll try Canada.

Ladies and gentlemen, Krusty the Clown... was arrested today for massive tax fraud. Krusty's years of tax "avoision" would never have-- What the heck is "avoision"? "AvoisiOn"-- It's a crime.

Why you little... (IMITATES CHOKING) Aw. It's no use, son. By the time I get out of here, you'll be grown. Turn around, turn around Turn around and you're a young man

I'm your daughter. What? I finally found my daddy. Ohh! I think I just "seltzered" myself. Shut up, Updike! Listen, honey, a lot of kids think of me as their daddy.

This is a gross misuse of school property. Where are the dodge balls? Ow! Ow! Ohh! All right. That's it. I'm writing all your names on the detention list in my mind.

See, epidermis means hair. So technically it's true. That's what makes it so funny. Pardon me a moment. Ha-ha! Hey, Nelson, he's really hurt.

- Spring-- - field--

Free and easy, Lise. There's nothing like an unfurnished basement for pure comfort.

You've reached the party line. You'll be connected to a hot party with the world's most beautiful women. Now let's join the party. Hello? Hello?

(SCREAMING) You know, Black Dracula is now a Congressman from Virginia. (HUMMING) Bart, where did you get those? There's an open house next door. They're giving out cookies and business cards. Check it out. I'm a business jerk. (GRUNTING)

It's high time you protected yourself with supplemental disability insurance. At my age? Can I qualify? You'd be surprised. If you're a non-smoker, it can cost just a few dollars a month.

That tears it! I'll show Homer! I'm gonna be the nicest man this world has ever seen. I said "man," not "man-God"! Keep your pants on!

Let's try the red one again. Oh, no, not again! Ow!

Skinner! Superintendent Chalmers, you didn't have to come all the way down here. Everything's under control. Oh, I have had it! I have had it with this school, Skinner!

Not if I can help it, and help it I might. Mr. john, I'm your biggest fan. I've tape-recorded all your songs off the radio. Oh, that's very sweet. Have a Grammy. Uh--

Don't look back. Just keep driving. Seymour? Glad you're here. You can help me play Halloween Hit and Run. Ooh, this game is gonna get some disapproving clucks. But for now, I need my tongue to talk to you.

5,000 years ago by God. In the name of the Father and the Son and the Holy Ghost. And now humanity must be judged! The fate of your planet rests on one human being-- Homer Simpson! Why him? Because he is the fat, selfish epitome of modern man! Hey, he stole my bit!

Since the beginning of time, man has yearned to destroy the sun. I will do the next best thing-- block it out. Good God!

The following schools are closed today: Shelbyville, Ogdenville, Ogdenville Tech, and Springfield Elementary... My Dear Watson Detective School. Ohh! And lastly, Springfield Elementary School... Yea! is open. Ohh!

It's the Simpson family smile-time variety hour

- You little monkey. You're a little monkey, aren't you ? - Yes, sir. Bart, do that thing you do that's so cute. What ? That thing you know how to do.

Go back to bed, Mother. I've got it under control. Listen, you crumb-bums. If you think I'm impressed, I am not. I--

Will Milhouse and I be friends when we're high school dropouts living off Uncle Sucker?

Whoops. Bart and I have to go wash up. But you didn't get any on me-- Ugh-- Wh-- Lisa, Burns isn't a vampire. And even if he was, we're not gonna stumble on his secret hiding place. You're probably right. Let's just go back.

Aye. Not a hymn to war like our national anthem, but a sweet soothing hymn, like the national anthem of Canada. O Canada

Thanks. Whew! It took a lot of grifting. Ooh! Please, F.B.I. man, don't throw us in jail. We just made one mistake. Yeah. We're not criminals. We're just two crazy, mixed-up kids. Mmm. Okay, tell you what. I'll let you turn yourselves in. Maybe they'll go easier on you.

Go to your room, Lisa!

Hello, Principal Skinner. A parent who waives the right to sue says what? What? Got it. Hey, you cant fool us. We're from the "Learn to Fart" state. Bart and Lisa are lost in Capital City and presumed crying. My poor babies!

Your windows. Mmm! The next--

Apu, come here a moment! This better be good, because you are interrupting my faithfulness. Oh, boy. I took the tape out of the store's surveillance camera. Look. Oh, Apu, scratch and win! Mmm, that's good adultery!

Uh, Wiggie, my chili's gettin' cold. Hot! Hot!

you just start crying and pretend you don't. But I don't hate this country. There, there. Save your lies for the American public. I'm Nash Castor and it's time to butt heads! Bart Simpson, what do you hate most about this country? Is it the freedom? Nash, I've realized something.

Thirsting for a way to name the unnameable, to express the inexpressible. Tell me more. Keep cool, Simpson. Be in the game but not of the game.

Why, it's Curtis E. Bear, the courtesy bear. For the next three hours, this bear will take your verbal and physical abuse... with good nature and aplomb. So, if you'll all just grab one of these two-by-fours-- Um, Chief, can I at least shield my crotch?

Bingo! - D'oh! - D'oh! Oh, it's gonna take forever to go through all of these. I have a plan. Well, that didn't work.

Jeepers! It's 50 Cent. Yo, B. I heard you throw down on stage. Wanna join my world tour? Sorry, Fitty. I have school tomorrow. You're right. The more you know, the further you go. And that's one to grow on.

I've got to knock him out. Hang in there, Homer! Only 440 more seconds. He's gettin' his second wind.

Swing and a miss!

"Glub, glub, glub." "Oh, Noah, Noah, save us, save us!" "No!"

Hey! Where are you taking me? Marriage counseling. (MOANS)

Homer, with all due respect, this X-ray reveals a textbook kidney blowout. Which would explain those loud pops you heard. So you're saying I don't need a new muffler? I don't feel so good. Maybe I oughta eat something. Oh, I'm afraid your eating days are over.

Hey, dude, he's raggin' on your cord. Get him!

"For Marge" ? Hey, Dad. What do you say we toss the ol' apple around ? Son, I don't know if I can lift my head, let alone a ball.

Your stomach will swell. Your intestines will writhe and boil.

Oh, my God! It's worse than I thought! See, this is why I don't talk much.

By 1964, experts say man will have established 12 colonies on the moon, ideal for family vacations. Once there, you'll weigh only a small percentage... of what you weigh on Earth. Slow down, tubby. You're not on the moon yet.

This place is a diamond But it's trapped in the rough Yeah, well, the sign still says "Moe's" So enough of your guff Here's my new idea To sell both beer and grub We will turn this filthy dive Into a proper, old-time British pub A British what?

Ah ! McBain ! Meeting adjourned.

Struggling in vain. Gather your wits, old chum. We seem to have fallen prey to that painted Pagliacci of perfidy. You mean Clownface?

Slim, if we've got the bag with the stolen diamonds, then what happened to the bag with our stash? There's more than one way to get high, baby.

Motion granted. Case dismissed!

Four? Oh, no! Oh, this is so embarrassing! Lisa, did anyone force you to come here today? You. Hmm. Well, no one's forcing you to stay.

If you won't dance with the doc He'll give you electroshock Zap, zap, zap Well, well, well! I have never seen such reckless disregard for a wife's well-being in my life. You just won yourselves a motorcycle! Whoo-hoo! And life just gets more exciting.

Mmm, please. Road rage? Excuse me. What are you doing? Oh. I was just praying to God that you'll find me sane. I see. And this "god," is he in this room right now?

Help! Help! This is the third time that this building has burned down... because someone has been smokin' in bed. I didn't do it.

Judge, jury and executioner all rolled into one, you are. See, Dad? I told you Mom would have problems.

na-na, na-na, na-na, na-na leader leader, leader batman i mean-- Leader I love the Leader.

David Versus Super-Goliath and Suddenly, Last Supper. Go, Lise. Way to cite precedent. Oh, all right. You can stay up late tonight,

We're gonna have to have a baby. All our financial plans are ruined. We're doomed. Doomed, I tells ya!

(WHISTLES) Boy, I wouldn't mind driving that to the Holland, Michigan Tulip Festival.

Now hold on here. I'm president ofthe Italian-American Anti-Defamation League. And this really burns my cannoli!

- How about Satan? - No, no. I'm ducking him. His wife has a screenplay. Huh? Welcome to my lair. You're going to help me. And if I don't?

See ya in spring, toes.

Take that, Mom! Take that, Dad! Send me to a psychiatrist, will you? Take that, Dr. Sally Waxler!

Did that exit work for you? I'd like to see it without the scream. I was just thinking that. Hey, hey, kids! Let's hear it for Madam Mimi and her cheese-seeking poodles!

Please ! I gotta call Marge. Hah. Hello. Moe's Tavern, birthplace of the Rob Roy. Is Seymour there ? Last name, Butts. just a sec. Hey, is there a Butts here ? Seymour Butts ?

on yesterday's big test...

Damn, damn, damn. McBain. Yes? I'm not gonna make it. Oh, stop talking crazy. just do one thing for me. Get... Mendoza.

Oh, and that Simpson mutt, my former guard dog. Oh, and, uh, that's Bart Simpson. He was my heir for a brief period, you know? Yes, sir, I remember. - Mmm. - Mmm. - Anything left? - Uh, only the sour quince log, sir.

I can't get Maggie to eat. Maybe if you try. Oh, I'm 26 hours late for work. No time for Maggie. Ooh! Where's Waldo? Nope. Nope. This would be a lot easier without all these people. Nope. Nope. He's there! Uh, no. Homer!

Stir up some controversy. Rattle a few cages. Hey, stop that! You'll never silence me! I'm the last angry man, Patterson-- a crusader for the little guy! Leave the bird alone!

Of course not. I'm in bed with Homer. Also, I want to go with the green tablecloths. Well, I might as well use this pucker for something. (TROMBONE PLAYING) (INHALES)

Hello, Wife. Hello, children. Who's up for a merry jig?

Off the rim! Oh! Almost. Boy, that was close. Hey, what's up for today, Neddy? UH--

or we'll all agree to disband and join other families. Agreed. Ah, the interstate. Fasten your seat belts, kids. We're on our way to Itchy and Scratchy Land. D'oh!

There's nothing you can do. (HOCKS AND SPITS) Why... Excuse us for a moment. (GROANS) What am I doing here? Let me go! We'll let you go when you admit there is no Ray Magini. Fine, I admit it. Help me, Ray! Appear and strike them down!

Their father's fat and their mother's thin. And Grampa Simpson reeks of gin! Hey! That's Obsession for Men. Pass ketchup.

I can't stands no more!

Hmm. All right. Robots be right back. Whoo!

Now to check on the free-range children. Hold on, kids! I'm coming to rescue the lot of ya! I'll-- Oh! I'm bad at this.

Look! It's jimmy Carter!

Hurry up! Each Matlock could be our last.

Unless you're a man. So wait a minute. This means I'm gonna be a failure? Yes, Son. A spectacular failure. Dearest Log: I am me again! And I feel like there's nothing I can't do.

Ah, the daily newspaper. Ooh, the Springfield Men's Shelter is giving away 60 soiled mattresses. Why do you read that "Free" column, Homer? They never have anything good. Oh, my God!

- Well, duh. - Then choke on these! f Thunderclap f f Homer Screams f f Homer Screams f

Well, I guess I should pay my share. Relax, Homer. I keep telling you. You're my guest. Ooh, you brought me a nacho hat! Thanks, Ned. Nacho, nacho man

Get him! I got him! I got him! No burning leaves without a permit! I got one. Too late!

Where is everybody going? The symphony, she has just started! So? We already heard the Dum, dum, dum, dum The rest is just filler. I thought this was gonna be the soundtrack to the movie Beethoven. Was I sadly mistaken. It sounds better on my cell phone. (BEETHOVEN'S FIFTH SYMPHONY PLAYING) Don't leave now!

Bart, I'll bet you think nothing's going to top that cactus. Well, check out my present. Next. Bart, be polite.

I'm keeping you. You're Snowball V. But to save money on a new dish, we'll just call you Snowball II and pretend this whole thing never happened. That's really a cheat, isn't it?

Do you really think Homer could be a killer? I just can't believe a man we sat and drank with all these years... could do such a horrible thing. We've all got that voice in our heads telling us to kill. You just have to drown it out. I've been working on the railroad all the livelong day Yeah, that's better. Oh, man, what a day.

I'm tired of this conversation. Let's talk about something else. I'm going home.

Where do you think you're going? To the game. No. I don't want you to see me sitting on my worthless butt. We've seen it, Dad.

Bart, you're not laughing. Too subtle? No, I'm just depressed. Milhouse's mom won't let me play with him anymore.

Well, sure, the Frinkiac 7 looks impressive-- don't touch it-- but I predict that within 100 years, computers will be twice as powerful, 10,000 times larger... and so expensive that only the five richest kings of Europe will own them.

You got that from a movie poster. Well, when there's nothing left to believe in, believe in hope. Where'd you get that? From the producers of Waiting to Exhale. Is that plutonium on your gums? Shut up and kiss me. Mm-mm-mmm! Mmm!

Oh, dang it! Now why does that only happen when nobody's looking? Pull over! There's no good place!

I have been grossly misinformed about witches. Wow, man, what is this place? I prefer not to be called "man." My name is Belle, and this is the Maison Derriere.

Six. Seven if there's something good on. Don't you think you should get a little fresh air? Yeah, but what are you going to do? TV gives so much and asks so little.

It fell in the toilet. Marge, I have my pride. I'm going to go to night school, earn my high school diploma... and get back my Most Improved Odor trophy! You're a comedy writer? My God, you're so old. I want my check!

She voted for Bob too. So did Buddy Holly, Richie Valens and The Big Bopper. Even the pet cemetery voted for Bob. Look! Mr. and Mrs. Bananas. Humphrey Boa-gart. Oh, my poor dead kitty! Please, not you too!

Hey, cops! Check out this all points bulletin! Hmm! Whoa! Look at those mogambos!

Hey, Milhouse. You want a job in my factory? You don't have a factory. Hey, I'm a busy man. You want a job or not? Okay!

We have a winner! These will be great for advancing our research. Yes. Our research. Touché.

No! No, no! I'll pay for the cake. Well, you're the mark... of integrity. Wow! Look at all this loot! What should we buy first? A singing rubber fish, of course. There you are. How was the magic act? What in the hell are you talking about?

You got the dud!

Come on, wimps! These Gucci wallets have to be on the streets of Hong Kong by Friday.

No. My invention! All my money problems could've-- Money problems? Homer, are we in some sort of fiduciary trouble?

(CARS HONKING) (ALL SCREAMING) Ahhh! Okay, I'm gonna go over there and see if they're cool. Okay, let's see. Oh, you can buff that out. We can buff that out. That's factory error.

Well, I dont need safety gloves because I'm Homer Simp-

Did you see that? I did the deed. Open up! Oh, I'm so sorry. I wasn't looking. Hey, I thought you guys could see everything. No. You're thinking of Santa Claus. Well, I'll be damned. I'm afraid so, yes.

Which one of you is the mailman? Okay, let's make a pact. This is gonna be the best vacation ever, or we'll all agree to disband and join other families. Agreed. Ah, the interstate.

Behold the ravages of age. Boo. Exit to your left.

Quit stallin', kid. Write "Springfield Sucks" in giant letters. Oh! His can control is excellent.

Oh, my God I was wrong It was Earth all along

I forgot to wear socks today. Guess I can't try those on. Yeah, no problem. You can wear the store sock. Ew. Would you mind lacing 'em up, kid? I have a bad back.

Okay, Mr. Teeny, before the cops come, swallow all these illegal pills, then run to the vet. (TEENY CHATTERING) (MUTTERING) "Homeland Noodles with Uncle Sam Balls."

- Ow! - Stop pummeling me! It's really painful! Why did I take such punishment? Let's just say that fame was like a drug.

It'll cost you. Oh, the taxes. They're gonna raise taxes! Come on! All right. That's a good point.

A.K.A. me. That's us in a nutshell. I care so much about you, Homer,

Do you think you can get the dental plan back? Well, that depends on who's a better negotiator-- Mr. Burns or me. Dad, I'll trade you this delicious doorstop for your crummy old Danish. Done and done! D'oh!

All right, now you're starting to creep me out.

Herman, your beef is with me. - Leave the girl out of this. - Okay. Homer! It's too late for me, Marge. Sell the jeans and live like a queen!

Flanders? That suit's a little revealing, isn't it? Well, it allows for maximum mobility. Feels like I'm wearing nothin' at all. Quit it! Must wash eyes!

We already know their secrets. She's right. Homer's done a ton of crap that never made the papers. My mom shoplifts all the time. Stuff she doesn't even need. My dad gets in car accidents on purpose. Great. This is all gold. We gotta spread this stuff around. Let's put it on the Internet!

Mommy, Mommy, buy me a license plate! No, come along, Bort. Are you talking to me? No, my son is also named Bort. Who are all these characters? You're probably too young to remember...

Milhouse has one. If Milhouse jumped off a cliff-- Milhouse jumped off a cliff? I'm there.

I had to leave because my French bread pizza dinged. Hello? Duck, duck, duck, duck. Duck, duck, duck, duck.

The fingers you have used to dial are too fat. To obtain a special dialing wand, please mash the keypad with your palm now. I'm gonna have to shut it down myself!

The poor boy is so desperate. He wants to earn money to buy a comic book. A comic book ? Oh, my. Boys never change. Which one is it ? Nazi smasher ? I don't think so. Send him over to my house. I got a few chores he could do.

Um, excuse me. Isn't there anything here that doesn't have meat in it? Possibly the meat loaf. Well, I believe you're required to provide a vegetarian alternative. Yum. It's rich in bunly goodness.

Hey! Wh-What's going on? Is, uh, there a button or a release for these keys? Oh. You have to push in as you turn. Ah. Yeah, that's it.

See you later, inoculator.

Yeah. At least you aint aging six years for every one 'cause of your cow heart. Oh. My daughter hates me because I dont know anything about her. Ah. Well, whenever I gotta know something about a broad... I use this guy. This detective is unbelievable. He can learn more about a chick...

Who else is gonna take care of her? Dad?

Hey! Stop streaming over the wall! At least wait till I'm through talking. Okay. Now as for food, the following breeds of dog are edible-- See ya! Bye, Homer!

Sorry, Mother. I was driving through a tunnel, and my cell phone wouldn't work.

Going for... eight-hour walk. Homer. Homer. Homer sleep now. What's wrong with Dad?

Get off! Get it off! I'll show you, hair! Ow! Ow! Ow! That's my face, you idiot! Idiot? Why you little-- Don't you-- I'll kill you. Homer Simpson, you're under arrest...

That's it? What happened to all the lobsters, mangoes and chewy, chewy cocoa beans? All we found were these oozing berries. And they look pretty poisonous. I "eated" the purple berries. Ow.

Okay, Marge, as long as we're traumatizing the kids, I have a scandalous story of my own. Gentlemen, I'd like you to meet your new coworker, Mindy Simmons. I think she has a degree in engineering or something. Hi. How's it going? Pleased to meet you. Yeah, ditto. Hi. Huh?

Shove it, witch. No more excuses! Tourette's syndrome. Her claws are really digging into my skull. She can crush clams with them. Get it off, get it off, get it off!

Uh, ladies and gentlemen, uh, distinguished colleagues, after extensive biological and anatomical testing, I regret to announce that the evidence we have is... inconclusive. This thing may or may not be human. That's what he thinks.

Hmm? Movies were better in our day.

Forget it! I'll just cut back on the condor egg omelets. Mmm. A couple of those would be tasty right now. I'll found the college tomorrow.

Would you like to buy some Itchy and Scratchy money? What's that? It's money that's made just for the park. It works just like regular money, but it's, uh, fun. Do it, Dad. Well, okay. If it's fun. Let's see, uh, I'll take $1,100 worth.

Lisa, no! Your hands are too weak. Stop that. I'm gonna kill him. No, I'm killing him first.

Aw, shut up, Captain Bringdown! (GRUNTS)

No! You're not gonna take my baby to jail!

Mr. Simpson ! Don't sit on that filthy thing one second longer.

The sea captain gave it four "arr's." Bumblebee Man says "Muy bueno." And we were worried about the Latino market, huh? - Huh? Huh? Huh? - Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Worry. Come on. They can't all have loved it. "Loved it." "Loved it." "Loved it." "Loved it despite absence of flubber. Glavin"? Oh, here we go. "Your movie was more boring than church.

Hey, Homer, you're missin' out on some fun!

The "Flandereses" are not geeks! Okay. Rod and Todd are. And the wife has a thing for me. But she hides it behind a mask of low-key hostility. But we've got to give this thing a chance. I want the two families to take a trip together this weekend. No way, josÉ. Yes way.

Look. There it is. Oh, Homie. Homie, I'm so sorry I doubted you.

How about a few tips?

Homer, sitting that close to the TV can't be good for you. Talking while the TV's on can't be good for you. You should get your eyes checked. I'm taking Bart to the mall to buy camping supplies. Why don't you come along? Nah. I wanna enjoy this show before the network retools it. How can I organize this modeling agency...

What's in the box? Hey, I'm real sorry I never made it back yesterday. I hope we're still friends. Of course we are. Uh... If you want to be? Well, I want to be, if you want to be. I'll tell you what, let me get a few more supplies, and I'll come right over and I'll finish your roof!

I didn't do it. Nobody saw me do it. There's no way they can prove anything.

Ah, I got you, my rumpy doppleganger.

I'm afraid it looks pretty grim. We're gonna have to give them the amber waves of grain, the purple mountains majesty and the shores of Tripoli. We don't own the shores of Tripoli. Shh! By the time they find out, we'll have taken our cyanide pills. Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Why don't we just invite our creditor nations here... and gently remind them of America's past generosity?

The mother's the voice of reason. Here come the cricket bats. You don't have the cobbles. Classic. Not hard to see why it's England's longest-running series. And today we're showing all seven episodes.

I liked the party hats. What do you mean? Nothing. Twins. Open your present. They're Krusty the Klown walkie-talkies!

Howdy, Reverend Lovejoy. Nice to see you there... on my lawn with... your dog. Oh. Uh, oh. Bad dog. Look at that. Right on Ned's lawn.

Smithers, there's no way I can lose this bet unless, of course, my nine all-stars fall victim to nine separate misfortunes and are unable to play tomorrow. But that will never happen. Three misfortunes, that's possible seven misfortunes, there's an outside chance but nine misfortunes-- I'd like to see that.

Is this the life, or what? You want me to turn on the bubbles?

We'll find some other way to entertain our boy-crazy cousin who thinks you're cute. Oh, I wouldn't mind pushing that in the mud.

Wait, Homer. If that bar holds, we just might make it back to Earth.

La la la la Apu, we usually store our cans in the cupboard. Oh, they'll never move that way. Mmm! Corn! Haven't had that in a while. Yeah! Delicious corn. - Bye. - Hm.

Once again, my dear, you've beaten two strapping young bucks! Excellent. Did you hear that? That "excellent" was... excellent. Can I have some ice cream? I finished my pizza. In time. In time. I need to speak with you in private.

Are you prepared to die, Poochie?

Yeah, but-- You sold weapons-grade plutonium to the Iraqis-- with no markup. But-- And worst of all, you took the Hamburglar's birthday off last Monday and Wednesday. Which is it? Now, my voice is giving out, so I'm just going to poke you for the next hour or so.

Oh, so the island's not for sale, eh? Well, will you at least permit us to live in your socialist paradise? You're talking about Cuba? Exactly. All we ask is preferential treatment because of my fabulous wealth. May I see? See with your eyes, not with your hands.

Patty! Go on, Selma. Tell me more. I don't want to jinx it, Marge, but this could be it. He asked me out again this Friday. He's taking me to a special screening of his latest film.

I stand corrected. A million bucks is A-okay.

Can I walk you home, valentine? Sure, I guess. That valentine sure was funny. Glad you liked it.

To your right, if you look through this window,

I came from heaven to help you get revenge on these bums. Is there an ashtray around here? Will this do? Thanks, doll. Now we need a scheme to teach those slobs a lesson. You mean like when you hid inside the conga drum to scare Ricky?

Love you-- Ooh!

No, Bart's not to blame. You can't create a monster and then whine when he stomps on a few buildings. I'm Lisa Simpson. You're right. It's all Willie's fault. I've been a terrible father.

Pancakes ! Ooh ! Mmm. Mmm. Homer, breakfast is ready. Hmm ? Blech ! Oh, Marge, you saved me from making a big mistake. You know, I finally understand the meaning of-- The meaning of what ? Better half, Marge. Better half. Oh, thank you.

Mm-hmm. Very well. One last question. Have you ever seen the sun set at 3:00 p.m.?

But doesn't she get her money from you? And I get my money from grease. What's the problem? Wow! Look at that load of grease. Boy, if we're ever gonna earn paper money, we have to expand our operation. Um, I don't know how much more school I can miss.

Anyone want some coffee for the ride back? Not that convenience store crap, is it? Because I don't feed that to my dogs. No, no. It's home-brewed. Careful. It's hotter than a Fox News weather skank. Oh, my! Hot! Hot! Hot! La, la, la, la, la, la, la. Here. Let me wrap this wet towel around your head to cool you off.

Caramels. Waffle batter. Liquid smoke.

Our city will not negotiate with terrorists. Is there a city nearby that will?

Dad, are you hurt?

Krusty, how ya holding up? Well, I'm kinda worried about the future.

First, he wrecks your car. Then he steals mine. Your father's out of control. Oh, sure. - When he does something bad, he's my father. - He must've dropped this.

Oh, here we go. Sir, have you no shame? Clearly, I don't. Now get your heinie off of Lisa Land!

i know you and your wife and every part of you Son, you wait here while Daddy tries to talk some sense into this raving derelict.

They're spying on us. Why would they do that? i see you. Give me a hug.

No! Thirty days. I'm proud of you, Homie. Marge, I'm goin' to Moe's. Send the kids to the neighbors. I'm comin' back loaded.

Drink up, Judah Ben-Hur. You truly are the king of kings. Excellent.

You're so good, I fired the other writers. From now on, the fate of the entire company rests on that delightful coconut of yours. Oh, no! We're all doomed! I'm a complete fraud! Huh? Sorry? I didn't catch any of that. And now I gotta go.

You got all that from one bag of oranges? That's right. Order now and you'll also get Sun 'n' Run, the suntan lotion that's also a laxative.

But the flood's only knee high. At least let us watch till the midgets drown. Yeah, Mom. Come on. You let us stay up to watch Troy McClure in such other Bible epics as... David Versus Super-Goliath and Suddenly, Last Supper. Go, Lise. Way to cite precedent. Oh, all right. You can stay up late tonight,

I'm just saying you feel threatened by Bart, but it's all in your head. You're right. But just to be safe, maybe I should chain him up. Dad, I think you're overreacting. I think you're under-reacting. This session's over. This session's under. - Good-bye. - Bad-bye.

Looks like the Flanders are having a nice Christmas. Oh, yeah? We'll show 'em. Come on, kids. Pretend we got new cross-country skis.

What ? What the-- Who the-- Look, everybody, I have a confession to make. This should be good. I didn't get my Christmas bonus. I tried not to let it ruin Christmas for everybody, but no matter what I did--

Oh, my! Well, Homer, maybe you should take him to Moe's. Come on, little fella. You're hanging with me tonight. Guys, I'd like you to meet Artie Ziff. Hello, handsome!

Well, I say good riddance to bad rubbish. Okay. But who's gonna build your pyramids?

Well, I guess you were right, honey. But you have to admit, when that angel started to talk, you were squeezing my hand pretty hard. Well, it was just so loud,

Secrets and lies! Now let's welcome Springfield's original God couple, Reverend Lovejoy and Ned Flanders! Thank you so much.

That's what I did. By the way, "ambassador" is taken.

Something... else. Hey, what happened to all the water? Hmm. There's something blocking it. Hey, come on. Get out there-- Come on, Homer! We're going to Sears to feel the bras!

Okay, you're ready to go. I've written down the basic commands... so that anyone can understand them. Hmm. Homer, bring that back in the house. Fine. Ooh, a dancing Jesus.

Why, yes, it is Christmas Eve. I'm happy. - Oh! - It's the Christmas hobgoblins!

Smithers, my heart's pounding like a jackhammer.

with sexy results. Ooh, that's unexpected. What else? Well, Sister Bernadette will leave the convent and start a softball team,

Oh, Clancy. You know, I planted that crystal meth just to meet you. l was so shy.

It's the same exact joke. What gives, Leo?

Yes, we are. Come on, boys. The old guy's finished. Wait. Come back. You can't do this to me. I'm Charles Montgomery Burns !

Homer, you won't believe what's happened. It's a miracle. Aw, Marge, I don't wanna hear any more about that silver polish.

I haven't seen my father since.

Pathetic. I'm pathetic?

(SCREAMS) Oh, uninsurable? Oh. (SIGHS) I'm not gonna worry just because Homer doesn't have insurance. A lot of people don't. (ANNOUNCER READING)

What does that say? Oh. It gives me a chance to visit with the girls personality. Uh, personally. Amber, do you think the Bill of Rights... is a good thing or a bad thing? Um-- Take your time, dear. Good thing.

Please go to sleep. Yo, um, I must've, like, fallen on a bullet, and it, like, drove itself into my gut.

Turn it up! Turn it up!

(READING TITLES) Oh, Goldilocks. And the three bears! Oh, God, they're in our food!

Hmm. All I need is one classic character. What-- Stupid lawn chair! Come on! Unfold, you-- Ow! D'oh! Hey!

All right. We're back to square one. Put on some coffee. (MARGE GROANING) I was so close.

Our mayor is corrupt? Well, Mr. X has done this town a great service-- despite his poor grammar and spelling. Seymour! Are you looking at naked ladies? No, Mother.

All right, Pigs, beat those Gougers!

- The habitat? - I mean the nursery.

Ooh! Look at me. I'm making people happy. I'm the magical man from happy land in a gumdrop house on lollipop lane. Oh, by the way, I was being sarcastic. Well, duh! Now, that's what I call a happy hour.

(SINISTER TUNE PLAYING) (RINGING) Y'ello? Sir, I'm honored to inform you that you've won the Nobel Prize.

"Clowns love haircuts. So should Lee Marvin’s valet."

La la la-la-la-la-la Mr. Simpson. La-la-la-la-la Mr. Simpson?

You've got to keep our secret, Homer. Homer, we're out of vodka. Tell the people, Homer. They have a right to know...

Ow! Ow! Oh! Ow!

Eh, I'm sick of this Tarzan movie. Dad, it's a documentary on the homeless. Oh, right. A crazy dog's trying to kill me!

That's it, baby. Work those ankles. Ring-a-ding-ding, sir.

Marge, I'm going to look for the kids!

I'll do it! Okay, here's the plan. This model car represents my car, huh? And this olive is you. Now-- - Mmm! Me. - Hey, hey! Aw, that's great. Now the car's gonna have to represent you, and, uh,

A toast to the Simpsons! And to the delectable turkey-- That's walking around the table? Dear Lord! It's a demon bird!

We've still got a car and a wad of cash. Uh, no, we don't. I must have spent our last $10 on this Al Gore doll. You are hearing me talk.

Moe, don't throw out that brine. But first, a man whose inspiring battle with Percodan addiction... is soon to be a movie of the week-- Krusty the Clown! I'll be played by jimmy Smits. Now he faces his toughest audience--

Wow, a houseboat.

- Hey, you guys look hot. - Of course we're hot. We're radioactive. Uh-oh. Well, how 'bout a dip in the pool ? Yeah ! Last one in's the rotten rod ! The rods make the water so hot it boils. Ow ! Ouch ! Ow ! And the steam spins turbines that generate energy.

Duff beer For me Duff beer For you I'll have A duff They're all around me! No way out!

Enough of your borax, Poindexter! A man's life is at stake! We need action! Take that, you lousy dimension! Huh? Huh? Oh, there's so much I don't know about astrophysics.

And to pay for it I'll give up the Civil War re-creation society I love so much. Well, Homer's out. We gotta find a new General Ambrose Burnside. And I'm not too crazy about our Stonewall jackson. The South shall come again.

Don't worry, Son. I'll get you a new elephant. I'll take that one too. Done.

Oh, they got our number.

What ails you, my son? I done "spraint" my elbow bone... so it goes in the "opposited" direction. Ohh! The power of faith compels you. Heal.

Oh. Quick! Moe, Marge cut off my thumb! Lisa! Mom, where'd you get that car? I stole it from McBain after I cut off your father's thumb. Can you take me to school, please? Not right now. Your father's in there, and--

Nelson, what are you doing? Real estate license exam. My ticket to freedom!

Get your hands off me!

Get it? Krus-ty! Cancel the world search.

Folks, you're gonna want to turn around. The bugs are firmly in charge. What? Please, just go. They've taken the Visitors Center! They-- They ate the comment book! All right. Geez. Hey! Hey! My class ring!

Well, I'm afraid we misled you. (GASPING) Get ready, skanks. Here comes the truth train! This isn't an island. It's a peninsula. (DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING) (GASPING) This was supposed to be about trust! (SOBBING) I just want to get on that boat and go home!

Well, which ones are yours and which ones are mine ? Well, let's see. Oh, this one's mine. This one's mine. This one's mine, and this-- They're all yours ! Hey, Mr. Simpson, you dropped your pork chop. Gimme that ! Well, happy holidays, Simpson.

It would have to be camera day. Wow!

Hardest hit by the blizzard is Springfield's forbidding Widow's Peak. Our own Arnie Pie is on the scene. Everything's snowed in. All I can see is white. Arnie, please. The ski conditions. Mayday, Mayday. I think I'm flying into a mountain. Tell my wife I love-- That's great, Arnie. Hmm.

Oh, dear! Oh, no. There's a nut in my eye.

Then put your head down on your desk and sit quietly. Ahh. A duet of pleasures.

Dad, stop! It's only assault. Don't make it murder! Ignore. Ignore. ANNOUNCER: You are a big man. Big man! (GASPS) What?

Mmm-mm! Mmm. Strained peas. Shakespeare's fried chicken Come gorge yourself today...

Let's go where it's quiet. Help! Isn't that your brother? - I said, "Let's go." - Oh! Eh, I'm sick of this Tarzan movie.

But being an astronaut is how I got you to respect me. Homer, when I met you, you weren't an astronaut. You didn't even know how to use a touch-tone. But I still respected you, and I always will, no matter what. Homer, you already dialed.

Okay, we'll call it even if I can just have some of that big sandwich. Oh. I'll come back. Bart, are you okay? Yeah, I think so. It's just a bump on my head.

When are you going to wake up and smell your husband, Marge? Granted, you got some kids out of him.

I'm happy and angry.

Principal Skinner, remember how I didn't sue... when I found that scorpion in my applesauce? Well, I'm calling in a favor. Mmm, I knew this day would come.

I'm a journalist. He's got all the money in the world but there's one thing he can't buy. What's that? A dinosaur. I'm not the only one benefiting from last week's big payoff. State schools got their share too. Here, lottery officials present Springfield Elementary with a brand-new eraser.

Very popular dish detergent. Hey, he looks like you! What's he saying? He identifies himself... as a magnet for foodstuffs. He boasts that he will banish dirt to the land of wind and ghosts.

It's worse than you think. I just trampled this poor sap's flower bed. - Homer, this is our house. - Aaah ! - Are you coming in, Homer ? - No, no. I wanna be alone with my thought. Fans are getting a bit anxious here. Another beer, Moe.

Y'ello. It's for you. Mr. Burns-- 48 rings. Are you all right? What did Simpson do to you? Do? Nothing other than drive me to distraction with his incompetent boobery. Terrible at everything. A complete moron. But I'm not really free to talk right now.

The mail! The mail is here!

I always wanted to be a celebrity. Yes, it's true. The entire menu was personally approved by my secretary. Isn't that clever? It looks like a Cadillac drove right into the building. Help me. Wow! Even Moe's moved to fancy new digs.

He got you there, Ray. Oh, come on, people. This man has promised round-the-clock trash pickup. That's impossible. Not if we hire more men. And my men will do all your messy jobs. They'll wash your car, scrub your shower, air out your stinkables.

Moe's Tavern, where the elite meet to drink. Hello. Is Mike there ? Last name Rotch. Hold on. I'll check. Mike Rotch ? Mike Rotch ! Hey, has anybody seen Mike Rotch lately ?

J I'm so hot for me I'm so hot for me; J I'm so cold; Okay, now schoolmarm. w' i 'm the burning fire i 'm the bleeding voicanoj Everybody's naughty... and... freeze finish! .r Ow.

(BOTH SCREAM) LISA: Ooh! (SIREN BLOWING)

Me! Me! Me! Me!

And what the hell is wrong with that ? Not a thing. Now, for another opinion. Hi, kids ! Krusty, please. We're giving you an opportunity to participate in a serious discussion here. Oh, I'm sorry, Kent. Just, when the camera gets on me, I-- Hey-Hey ! Krusty !

I'll just have a cup of coffee. Beer it is.

Here's your birthday breakfast. Oh ! Isn't this nice ? My birthday ? It's my birthday ? No ! What did I get ? I love birthdays. No, Homer, it's mine. You don't even know your own wife's birthday ?

Hey! All right. So, the compression and expansion... of the longitudinal waves cause the erratic oscillation-- you can see it there-- of the neighboring particles. Yes? What is it? What? What is it? Can I play with it? No, you can't play with it.

Beware the wrath of Kwan.

Ooh, premium-- Wait a minute. Why ?

- No way. - Yes way! Stop it, please. I'm trying to eat. And all those feet going by the window are really creeping me out. ts like we're at Cheers. I loved that show, because you always knew it was only a half hour till Wings. Then you could just sleep till Monday.

bald as a cue ball,

Brilliant. I have absolutely no idea what's going on.

I'm hiding from th-th-the ghost! Ghost? What ghost? B-B-Before the show, you said we were having a special "ghost" tonight.

Why would you want to work at a Kwik-E-Mart? Well, uh, to be honest, in my upcoming movie... I'm gonna be playing this tightly wound convenience-store clerk,

Dad! That's so mean! The other critics told me to be mean.

Please let me win. ...Mozart. (CHEERING) (SCOFFS) I can't stand it. Thank you. Thank you. I want to see you all next week at my concert in Krakow!

He left his briefcase. Hey! It's full of shredded newspapers. Well, I guess that's it. People like us can't afford justice. Come on, Homie. Let's go before he fires you too.

here, baby there, mama everywhere, daddy daddy - hair hair, hair, hair hair, hair, hair Marge? I was just watching women's volleyball on ESPN. Mmm.

Huh. Well, that car thief can't hold his breath forever. And if he can, Chief? Then God help us all.

Out-of-towner tax?

I'm hot! You know, I'll bet kids would pay to see this stuff. We could have a midnight screening right here in the store! That's actually a great idea, Milhouse. Really? Well, I was due. I'll say... partner.

But I want to go. Well, I would say the matter is settled. You know, I pride myself on being a good host, so I'm obliged to offer you a beer, but I'm so darn mad it's gonna be mostly head. Homer, come back! That's my husband!

But the sign said, "All you can eat." I'm gonna fight this thing.

Steve sax And his run-in with the law We're talking Homer Ozzie and the Straw

And congratulations to Marge and Homer Simpson on their reconciliation dinner. I'm sorry I'm late. The Velvet Mafia made me a margarita I couldnt refuse. Good-bye, Homer. I tried to save our marriage... and you just get drunk and spend the whole night with your homosexual boyfriends.

We're not allowed to interfere with the reality of the show. Which reminds me. Burn the leftovers. Leave nothing. I cant remember the last time I cried like this. When you put your T-shirt on backwards? Oh, yes. The tag chafed my throat.

Aw, that's it. You just can't insult this guy. You call him a moron, and he just sits there grinning moronally. Hi, neighbor. You know what your problem is, Flanders? You're afraid to be human.

Hey, what's Baby Huey doin'? Says here they throw salt before they wrestle to purify the ring. Hmm. Spare some salt, tubby? Tubby? Yoink. Hey, that's mine!

We'd met the enemy, and it was Montgomery Burns.

You can never be my-- Eeeeeeee! Sir, try to land on Leonard's carcass!

Come for the freak, stay for the food. Oh, he's hideous! I heard they shaved a gorilla. Hey, baby, my shirt's chafin' me. Mind if I take it off? Well, okay.

The end of high prices! What? Ooh. Behold! The grand opening of the Heavenly Hills Mall. Please just follow the angel for all your shopping needs!

(GASPS) (SCREAMS)

Luego, un "desastro" de electricidad. E finalmente, una "catÁstrofÍa" con una pelota de baseball.

Push the gray brick in the back of the fireplace! Sweet freedom, here I... Ahhh! (SIZZLING) Put out the fire first!

There's a bee in my eye, sir. And? I-- I'm allergic to bee stings. They cause me to, uh, die.

I will! Ohh! just a second, baby. Tonight, '70s leading man Troy McClure has finally met the woman of his dreams.

If he's out, can I move back in? What do you think? And she's the nice one.

All right. Let me start off by telling you... this will not be a walk in the park. This will be the most arduous and backbreaking weekend of your life. I cannot overemphasize the dangers which-- Did you bring your family, Simpson? Uh, yes, sir. I thought I was supposed to.

Homer, the guest should get the last pork chop. But I'm still hungry!

It's wonderful, Marge. I've never felt so accepted in all my life. These people looked deep within my soul... and assigned me a number based on the order in which I joined. Who controls the British Crown

Hey, Teeny, you know where 123 Fake Street is? Ah, it's okay. Hey, we got the same hat. Thanks, Mr. Teeny.

But those women are quitters! What? When I first met your father, he was loud, crude and piggish. But I worked hard on him, and now he's a whole new person. Mom? He's a whole new person, Lisa. - Oh. I know. - Mmm.

Come on, come on! Oh, dear. Now you've done it.

We'll sail round the horn and return with spices and silk, the likes of which ye have never seen. We're building a casino! Arr. Can you give me five minutes?

Nooo!! But wait. If you saved Selma, why did the room explode? Oh, I'll field that one. Me and the boys were celebrating A Job well done...

I know I've seen it go the other way. Ah, faithful toilet. You'll prove me right. I'm a-singin' in the sh--

Yes. It's a regional dialect. Uh-huh. Uh, what region? Uh, upstate New York. Really. Well, I'm from Utica, and I've never heard anyone use the phrase "steamed hams." Oh, not in Utica. No. It's an Albany expression. I see. You know, these hamburgers are quite similar to the ones they have at Krusty Burger.

They are all against you, Bart. You must kill them all. They all must die. - Are you my conscience ? - I-- Yes, I am.

Homie, come to bed. Oh, Marge, I'm going to be fired. I know it. Don't worry.

It was the mid-'70s, and I was fresh out of seminary. The '60s were long over, and people were once again ready... to feel bad about themselveS. Jesus is just all right with me I came to Springfield ready to roll up my sleeves and help my fellow man.

Ooh! Malaria Zone!

I remember that meeting, and I have a photographic memory. Legalized gambling is a bad idea. You can build a casino over my dead body. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. For you. It's the president. Y'ello?

The Simpsons (SCHOOL BELL RINGING) (TIRES SCREECHING) D'oh! (SCREAMS) (BRAKES SCREECHING)

Oh, what? I suppose you've seen a bigger star. I might have. Come on, make with a name. I can't. I promised I wouldn't. Aw, right. You ain't seen nobody.

We watch an appalling amount of TV. Don't you ever, ever talk that way about television. You lousy, ungrateful can't-keep-their, what-do-you-call-it... minds on any, uh...

- Ay, caramba. - This is better than our house. Wait till Flanders gets a load of this. Seems so expensive. Hey ! How much is it ?

(SIGHS) I wonder what would've happened if I'd stuck with journalism? Oh, honey, her life can't compare to yours. You've got three kids, a TV tray from Expo 67, and you're married to King Stink! Yeah, I guess. Marge, listen to me.

That way, I won't be embarrassed if I fail. Oh, great. Now the cat knows. Okay. Here we go. Oh!

Roses are red. April is the cruelest month. Cruelest month.

and it absolutely, positively has to be there overnight. Pete Porter. Pass it on. Pasadena. Promptly. Package for parcel processing, pronto. Perk up, Pendergast. Profoundly pressing package of power plant profit projections for Pete Porter in Pasadena.

Hey, give me some room! Watch the elbow, Seamus!

No, no, no! Not tonight!

We slept late into the morning. And then-- My God! I'm late for my mission! Here's your mission. Get down with the clown. - Oh, come on, baby. - No, not now! - I'm supposed to assassinate Saddam! - Wait a minute!

I'm here to see my Grampa. Here I am, sonny. You're not my grandpa. Ah, come on. Give me a chance. Hey, can your grandfather do this? - Oh! - Bart! Aw, you remembered my birthday. Huh?

Oh, yeah. My old friends, right next to my heart. Hey, such a filthy habit. Who asked you? Father? Son. Papa! Herschel! Daddy! Boychick! Oh, Daddy!

I love the holiday season. See ya in spring, toes.

Burns, this is a big problem. You just can't throw money at it and make it go away. Gentlemen, I've decided there will be no investigation. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'll go away.

Hey, Dad, I'm gonna make a human yo-yo. If you object, clearly say no. No! No objections, eh? Oh, that's great. Milhouse, you ready to imitate that Jackass show? All those disclaimers made me wanna do it more.

Every time You are near Just like me - They long to be Ohh. Hey, would you like to go--

"Every year many wonderful cooks fail to qualify. (SIGHS) "But screw them, you're in. Congratulations." Oh, my God. Someone somewhere says I'm better than someone else. I'm proud of you, honey.

Dr. Warner, you're wanted in Radiology.

of which I now realize I was largely aware, I must take action. All in favor of demolishing our beloved burlesque house, raise your hands.

Sir, are you all right? l have eaten the ribs of God! Drool cleanup at register four. "Ameliorate." Could you use it in a sentence?

Dr. Zaius, Dr. Zaius This play has everything. Oh, I love legitimate theater. Dr. Zaius, Dr. Zaius

Oh, there's an opening. Oh, too late. Nope, nope... Uh... That would cut it a little close. You have to be more aggressive, sir. Nonsense. One of our good citizens will slow down and wave me in.

Stupid machine. Oh, wait a minute. This isn't the Monsterometer. It's the Frog Exaggerator! Oy.

you said we were having a special "ghost" tonight. I said we were having a special "guest" tonight. Mr. Tim Conway! What's a Tim Conway? Oh, about a 120 pounds.

Tiempo para "relaxar" en paz y quieto.

I know what you mean. just let me make sure we're not talking about food. I'm not. Right. Me neither. We're talking about sex, right? Right. I hear you loud and clear. Bart, are you taking a bath?

I'll, uh, print you out a copy. Thanks. Hello. Smithers.

It's difficult to tell from this vantage point whether they will consume the captive Earthmen... or merely enslave them. One thing is for certain: There is no stopping them. The ants will soon be here. And I, for one, welcome our new insect overlords.

I am the Wondrous Wizard of Latin! I am a dervish of declension and a conjurer of conjugation, with a million hit points and maximum charisma! Ah-ha! Morire: To die! Morit: He, she, or it dies! Moris: You die!

We've got no car. We've got no money. And no one knows we're here! We're stranded!

Oh, it's really straightening out. (CRIES OUT) Hmm. I guess I'm going to have to be a brunette tonight. Oh, dear me. One day as a straight-haired brunette. I feel so bad for you. Stupid girl! Please don't be a freak. Please don't be a freak.

Children, we've just been tipped off that Superintendent Chalmers... is planning a surprise inspection. So, let's clean up this pigsty. Whoa! On another topic, the following students have won mountain bikes.

Don't be afraid.

I can't believe you did this, Dad. Why didn't you put that thing in your room?

You said if I slept with you, I wouldn't have to touch the drunk. Duff Man says a lot of things. Oh, yeah! Hmph!

What-- Oh! Oh. Yoink. Ah, for cryin' out loud.

Tango 14, we're being fired at. I'm getting an exact I.D. on the bogey now. Iraqis again. Launching Sidewinder missile.

All right! My bumper fell off! Not my fault. Act of God, act of God. Uh-oh. Uh--

Well, I guess this is a case where we'll have to agree to disagree.

How about cooking up some money because this stupid kitchen cost $100,000. (CRYING)

Lisa, are you doing math? Uh, just a few Venn diagrams. There's more under her chair.

Attention, Monstromart shoppers. just a reminder that we love each and every one of you. Aww! Hm! Excuse me, ma'am. Where are the lampshades? Ma'am? Oh! I've killed her!

Ooh! Someone’s coming. Now who’s the sociopath? Huh? Moe. He's got a dark side I’ve never dreamed of.

One of them's playing my saxophone. Oh, no. The spit valve!

- Our mascot- Swish! - w'w' [Drum intro f w'w' f Burlesque f Yeah, baby! Ooh, I can see her logo and everything. Oh! Heh! Hey, come back! Hey, I love you! Hey! Oh!

Go ahead-a, Bart. Take-a the Bonestorm. The store, she's so rich she'll-a never notice. Duh, it's the company's fault for making you want it so much. Don't do it, son. How's that game gonna help your putting?

President Bush is driving on our lawn. - He must be lost. - He's not lost.

Enjoy the show. For one day, we shall die. Ohh! Stop! Wait! Wait! Attendez! I cannot get the lid off my jar of rainbows!

Principal Skinner, remember how I didn't sue... when I found that scorpion in my applesauce? Well, I'm calling in a favor.

(MUTTERING NERVOUSLY) (DONKEY BRAYING) What did you say about my mother!

Look at the vein on that guy's forehead. He's gonna blow! Unkie Moe?

You ever gone on a killing spree? No, no. The day of the gun-toting, disgruntled postman...

Uh, would it be all right if I kept this portrait? To remind me of better times. Why would I want a picture of a pitiful pencil-neck geek? Why indeed.

- Cyohl - Cyohl - Cyohl - Cyohl - Cyohl - Cyohl - Son of a- - Cyohl

Looks like everything's back the way it was which is the only way it should ever be. Great. Let's dump these kids in an R-rated movie while we go someplace nice. Can I bring my laser pointer? What do I care?

I guess so. Booyah! Time to strike while the iron is sad!

Say your prayers, Simpson. Because the schools can't force you like they should. Maude, these new finger razors make hedge trimming as much fun as sitting through church.

I'm going to find that golden ticket and win that tour! The only thing that can make bacon more delicious is seeing how it's made!

Good man? Intelligent?

The look of love Is in your eyes Hi. You're Homer's sister-in-law, right ? I remember you, but I don't remember you being so beautiful. Oh ! Hey !

Folks, we're experiencing... some moderate Godzilla-related turbulence at this time, so I'm gonna go ahead... and ask you to put your seat belts back on. When we get to 35,000 feet he usually does let go, so from there on out, all we have to do... is worry about Mothra, and we do have reports... he's tied up with gamera and Rodan at the present time.

Well, two can play at that game.

Honey, we don't need to drive 400 miles to clean animals. You can stay right here and give the dog a bath... or trim the cat's nails. Oh, Mom, please?

It's a mop. My will be a janitor. That looks like an Olympic torch to me. He could be an athlete and go on to have a great acting career. It's a dustpan. The wax never lies.

Does anyone know where all my dinner plates went? Um-- You probably left 'em at work. On another topic, guess who was picked to host the next N.R.A. get-together?

Oh, jury duty! I'll see that Quimby kid hang for this! I knew it was a bad idea to watch him open the mail.

You could close down moe's

A lot of-- whoa--

Exactly what Marge Simpson's marshmallow squares bring in. Can we still afford that statue of Lincoln? - No, I'm afraid we'll have to go with something cheaper. - Ah. I give you our 39th president, jimmy Carter. Oh, come on! He's history's greatest monster!

Hey, Bart, want a dollar? Ah, ah, ah. You know what I wanna hear. i'm A little teapot short and stout this is my handle this is my Spout the itsy-bitsy spider went up the waterspout Oh, yeah. Love that spout medley.

Barney forever! Wiggum never! Barney forever! Wiggum never! Hey, those girls you paid to scream are doing a great job! I didn't pay any girls to scream. Huh?

and teach the boys good citizenship-- and now it's a donnybrook. Oh, my God. That's my wife-- and she's crying! Huh? Oh, lassie, dry your tears.

Blast it, woman. You parked too close. Move your car! I'm in the lines. You got a problem, go tell your mama. Oh, don't worry. She'll hear about this. I can't get out! I'm trapped. I can't breathe!

Help me! My daughter's not talented.

Don't worry, sweetie. It's very common to be homesick... when you're so far away from the people who love you. Okay, I'm not gonna give up. Solitude never hurt anyone. Emily Dickinson lived alone, and she wrote some of the most beautiful poetry the world has ever known.

Five hundred dollars on red. The winner is black. Cool!

That's why they gave me this Taser.

I thought I'd get into shape, so I've been drinking nothing but milk shakes. You mean those diet milk shakes?

Let's see, what would she like? Twenty on the trifecta? Her wedding china back? (GASPING) I could get Marge a new window just like this one!

But she had so much knowledge, it overloaded.

With his big, red nose and baggy pants. Krusty the Clown! Hey, hey! What? Who are you? Seat filler. Aw! Hm!

May I type my report? It'll be easier on teacher's eyes. Yes. In fact, why doesn't everyone type their paper? Great idea, Martin. Can the paper be 10 pages minimum?

Hey, he can't do much without this. I did it! I found our dog! Now our Christmas is complete! We were looking for Lisa! I thought we were caroling. We better call the police.

One a time! One at time! Double bologna! No pimentos! Don't forget to make it... Mom, where's my..? That's enough!

Hang on, Marge! Homie's coming! I won't let that man make you happy! (SIREN BLARING) Oh! Simpson, you were going 100 in a 25 zone, and you're not gonna flirt your way out of this one. But I have to get to the airport to save my marriage!

soul mate. Mmm!

Hey, Dad, that light says "check engine." Uh-oh. Tape must've fallen off. There. Problem solved. Oh, come on! Relax. She just needs a little lovin'.

Hello? Yes, I am interested in long distance savings.

Lisa? Oh, Lisa. You tried your best. At the tone, the time will be...

Now don't try anything funny this time, Bob. I'm gonna be on you like red beans on-- Hey, hey, hey, don't walk so fast. Hey, no fair. You got long legs. I got these little bitty hooves. Bob!

But, Marge, we just had a vacation. Remember Mystic Caverns? I need to unwind. I know you do, Marge but you know what our vacations are like-- Those three monsters in the backseat-- "Are we there yet? Are we there yet?" And I'm no day at the beach either. "Marge, can I have another sandwich?

J Oh, yeah, Weird A/ had fan on this showJ J Even if it was just a brief cameo JJ

What happened to the guards? PRISONERS: Kill the rat! Okay, okay. Don't panic. Maybe they'll tire themselves out with their chant. (SHRIEKS) I call the balls of his feet! (ALL SHOUTING ANGRILY)

Do you want to ignite my drink? You're kid's teacher. Single parent, are we? No. Let's pretend you are. Get away from me. Hey, Moe! Homer, how about a beer?

get out of your hair. Not so fast, two eyes! Come on. Let's slice him open and get our food back. Wait! We're not savages. We live in a society of law. Milhouse has the right to a fair trial. Society blows.

Sure they are, honey. You know, just because you say something is crazy, doesn't make it so. And just because you think museums are boring and demolition derbies are fun, doesn't make that true either! I'm sorry, Lisa. Oh, it's not your fault. I know we love each other, Dad, but we're two very different people.

Whoo! All that seizing made me hungry. Me too. Let's go to an authentic Japanese noodle house. The toilet recommended a place called Americatown. Dad, we didn't come halfway around the world to eat at Americatown. I'd like to see the japanese take on the club sandwich.

Can anybody hear me? I think I found a way out. It's not pretty, but it'll do.

He's killed the original Alfalfa! Yeah. Luckily, Alfalfa was an orphan, owned by the studio. Oh, I see. Yeah. That makes sense. With wealthy Hollywood people on the way, local merchants can be forgiven for raising their prices a little.

Good morning, honey. Mmm! How's my special little guy? I'm having some side effects from the dope. It's not dope! It's something to help you concentrate. All I know is my testicles won't fit in my underwear. Bart, get those oranges out of there.

Ah, my beloved family. How was church? I, on the other hand, have been having the best day of my life,

And freeze. Now, who in Springfield will eat the poisoned broth? Oh, it could be anyone. Even Mr. Burns. This play really speaks to me. I can't take Mr. Burns to the "hopital"... 'cause I'm too dumb to read a map.

It's a three-point play! The Lakers win! Looks like I pulled a Homer. Our dad!

Yeah, beg me, Bart. Beg me ! Lisa, I beg of you. Please forgive me ! Now we can blame him for everything ! It's your fault I'm bald ! I'm sorry. It's your fault I'm old ! I'm sorry.

A couple beers would be nice, though. Two bucks, boys. just kidding. Good one, Moe. We're looking for a family of Peeping Toms... who's been terrorizing the neighborhood. Quiet, boy. Let the nice people enjoy their beers. Ah, don't worry. This dog has the scent.

Well, it'll be a long time before your mother gets back with the tire, so why don't I tell you more of the story? Now that we had a name, the Be Sharps needed a hit.

Keep quiet, Huck. They won't look up here if nothing draws their attention. Old man river That old man river He just keeps rolling

Homer, you've suffered a broken jaw. Broken jaw? Ohh! He won't be able to talk for quite some time.

Anyway, can I get you some Soylent Green?

MARGE: Maggie! HOMER: Come on, Maggie! Come on!

Stop it! Where's the silver tongue?

JJ What are you screaming about? Did you discover my snake farm? Cause I can explain. - I'm going to farm and sell snakes. - Maggie's gone! lt must’ve been Moe.

o'er the land of the free and the home

Homer, your growing insanity is starting to worry me. Why don't you talk to the producers of the show? Maybe they'll make your character suave again. Hmm. I guess I could. But while I'm gone, keep an eye on that weird-lookin' kid down there. Bart?

Tutoring? The only thing Bart's teaching is guerrilla combat in Shelbyville.

Uh... I learned the Touch of Death. Ooh, the Touch of Death. Permit me to demonstrate. Lisa, shut your eyes. Soon you will be at peace. Hey, quit it, Bart. Quit it. Quit it! Quit it! Quit it! Mom!! Don't use the Touch of Death on your sister. They fought and fit

(SCREAMING) MARGE: Attention, everyone. I wish to announce the formation of PPASSCCATAG Proud Parents Against Singles, Seniors, Childless Couples and Teens and Gays. PPASSCCATAG is also a disease of the brainstem.

- Did you see that? - Yeah. - What's Gabbo? - I figure it's some guy's name. Some guy named Gabbo. Hmm. I don't think they're giving enough information, Dad. I'll figure it out. I'm gonna use all the power of my brain.

Top of the mornin' to ye on this gray, drizzly afternoon. Kent O'Brockman live on Main Street where today... everyone is a little bit Irish... except, of course, for the gays and the Italians. All right, then. Move along. Nothin' to see here. Show's over, folks. Parades just bring out so many emotions in me--

Rise and shine and give God your glory, glory Uh, what-- Huh?

- Well, hello ! - My name's Marge. Homer, I'd like you to forgive me for doing the right thing.

I'm coming, Papa! Ha-ha! (SOBBING) Lisa had no right to break up with me.

Somebody's been sleeping in my bed. Somebody's been sleeping in my bed. Somebody's been sleeping in my bed. Well, I'm sorry. But it was a 150 degrees in the car.

Bart, why are you talking like that? Yeah, and who the hell are you talkin' to? Marge, do you have other men in this house? Radioactive men? I'm practicing my Fallout Boy dialogue. If I get his role, I could finally come to terms... with this funny little muddle called Bart.

I've got it! We're going out, Marge! If we don't come back, avenge our deaths!

Well, now it's your turn to phone it in-- Your pledge, that is. Please-- Please! We're only $10,000 away from returning to our show. Well, why didn't you say so? Yes, I'd like to pledge $10,000... to get them to shut up.

All right, Dolphins! All right, Dolphins! Whoo-hoo! Whoo-hoo! 50 big ones! 50 big ones? Uh-oh. Daddy's friend Moe promised to give him $50 if the Dolphins won.

No, Maggie. Come here, girl. Come to me. Come on, Maggie ! The choice is obvious. No, Maggie. Don't go for the glitter. Look for substance. All right, Maggie, just go to Bart. Exactly. Come to the one you love best.

Look, Marge. They opened a new high-tech gadget store. - You love high-tech gadgets. - No, I don't. Like bull, you don't. Come on. - Homer, please. You're hurting my arm. - No, I'm not.

Ooh, wait a minute. Marge likes a little bit of stubble. Uh-oh. Gotta even it out. Somebody's nervous. Well, we got the cure for that. Margaritas. Margarita? That's Mexican for Marge. I'll take that as a sign.

Yeesh! I can't believe she went home with those guys. Well, as you can see, it's a compound fracture.

Anyway, can I get you some Soylent Green? Isn't that made of people? Oh, here we go. Hey, Dad. My band finally got a break. I just need a little moola to get my amp out of hock. How 'bout a little loan-ski? Oh! I'm tired of giving you money.

Doesn't seem to be any trick to it. Let's see. Smithers. S-M-i-T-H-E-R-S. Success! It's ringing. Moe's Tavern. I'm looking for a Mr. Smithers, first name Waylon. Oh. So you're lookin' for a Mr. Smithers, eh?

release the robotic Richard Simmons. Come on, big boy! Shake the butter off those buns! Shake, shake, shake shake, shake, shake Shake your booty shake your booty Come on, girls. Shake, shake, shake.

Aaah! Aaah! - Stop! Stop! - Hmm. I seem to have mashed more hair into it. Oh, well. Ice cubes are useless, man. Chewing gum's got to be chewed out. Does the whole town have to hear about this? Arr! Have ye tried a Baltic squid?

Good point. Boys, let's see your hands.

He's a limber lad She's a powerful lass He'll wring your neck and she'll kick your ass

- Smithers, tip over this table for me. - Yes, sir.

Cyohl Whoo-hoo!

Oh, this is not happening. This is not happening ! Everybody in the kitchen. We're having a family meeting. We never had a family meeting before. We never had a problem with a family member we can give away before. Homer, what are you saying ? I'm saying--

Oh, yeah. How is old Grimey? He's dead! Like you should be. Wait. Frank Grimes wasnt married. How could he have a son? He happened to like hookers, okay?

Hey, saturated fats, I came to ask you a favor. Let me get my belt sander. Maybe I can grind the ugly off your face. Very funny. I wasn't joking. (WHIRRING) I'm getting married, and I need you to perform the ceremony. (GASPS) You're getting married? Patty, that's wonderful!

I love you, Homer. Come here, you!

It's a-- a small frog. just get off. just get off there. just get out. Get out! Stupid machine. Oh, wait a minute. This isn't the Monsterometer. It's the Frog Exaggerator! Oy. We're the laughingstock of the town.

Oh, don't be a wuss. When you turn out the light I've got to hand it to me Looks like it's me and you again tonight, Marjorie Mmm.

Big surprise. You know, you could be a little more grateful to us for civilizing you. (BLOWS NOSE) I am the only reason you guys made it this far alive! From now on, you're on your own! Stupid things with their compasses painted on. She'll be back. She forgot her husband.

or you can admit to yourself there's only one person that can make you happy... and do whatever it takes to get them back! You're right! But I'm gonna need your help. Oh, my God! Beer delivery. Sign here. No! It's you!

Man, that was a good Apron Expo! I'm gonna wear my apron on the Fourth of July. And this lead apron will keep me safe downstairs. "Grill Power." I'm a little disappointed. There were too many aprons.

Bart, get your butt down here ! Dad ? Huh ? Oh, it's you. What do you want ? Dad, we've never been too close, have we ? Not to my knowledge. Never went fishing or played catch, or even hugged each other.

Bart, I know you children see me as some sort of "booger man," but, uh, I'm really not such a bad... dude.

Hold on. I'll check. Mike Rotch ? Mike Rotch ! Hey, has anybody seen Mike Rotch lately ? Listen to me, you little puke !

Turn off the chair.

I trust there are no objections. Hmm. Detention.

This Saturday, I'll be jumping over Springfield Gorge on my skateboard. There is a good possibility I will plunge to my bloody death.

Bart, we did it! Now we get to keep our house, and you get to go back to the fourth grade! Tomorrow we were gonna find out who the dish ran away with.

The big guy's asleep. Please advise. Over. Whack him with the hymnai Cher. - Roger that big-time. - Cyohl Why, you little- f Chuckling f Oh, hi, Jesus. i wasjust- Wow, honey. Eating dinner downstairs is great. Isnt it, kids?

Oh, geez! That's just awful! Mmm! Now, what do you have to wash that awful taste out of my mouth? Mountain Dew or crab juice. Oh, geez! I'll take a crab juice.

This man is coming with us. Homer, you don't have to go with them. But I want to go. Well, I would say the matter is settled. You know, I pride myself on being a good host, so I'm obliged to offer you a beer,

Poor Ralph. Here you go, Ralph. You "Choo-Choo-choose" me? Happy Valentine's. It was an unusually warm February 14,

Aah ! - Uh-oh. Stop ! - Mmm ! Lunchtime ! Ha, ha, ha ! Lunchtime ! Aah ! Lunchtime, Bart. It's lunchtime.

But the sign said, "All you can eat."

There's gotta be something I haven't tried. Huh ? Hey, what's this ? Fugu !

Listen, Homer, I dont know who your killer is... but I do know he'll strike again. Your only hope is to stay completely out of sight. Very well. I am gone! Dont look at me.

Ah, kettle chips. The perfect side dish... for revenge. What a special night. And you know something? I've never had such a great audience. Hmm?

Ralph, we're playing checkers. I don't like you, Boy-Mommy!

Why are you people avoiding me? Does my withered face remind you of the grim specter of death? Yes, but there's more. Dad, I love you. But... you're a weird, sore-headed old crank, and nobody likes you!

Zoe, Chloe, Max, Hunter, Kendall, Caitlan, Noah, Sasha, Morgan, Kira, ian, Lauren, q-Bert, Phil.

(SCREAMS) (BOTH SCREAM) (SCREAMS) Hey, I didn't do anything. Yet.

Oh, I don't know. Maybe those rumors about his fish fetish weren't true after all. This changes everything. I'd pay to see him in a movie now. If only that were possible. Troy! My man! It's MacArthur Parker!

No, no. He's fine. Go on, Mojo. Show Marge your happy dance. And so on.

You're dead! Uh-- Hey, look! Someone's attractive cousin!

And now, Leaning Tower of Pisa, eat your heart out and move over. This is one story that's not on the level!

That's a mug you don't wanna chug. Knock it off, Larry. We can't put this face on our calendar.

Don't forget: You're here forever.

Oh! Why did I have to stop at the railroad tracks? Better get Some change.

looks like you and l are sailing solo tonight. Arr... you hitting on me? Cause I dont do that. On land. Well, guess I might as well head back to my store. I got a date with some twins- the state and federal tax forms.

We'll never get the tree back now.

Now, if you'll excuse me, my fondue is just about-- D'oh! There goes Albany! Uh-oh, SpaghettiOs! Oh, man. Whoa! It's that Homer Simpson dude. Ha-ha!

Oh, that's so sweet. l was tired of putting my keys in that bowl like a caveman. I finally harnessed the awesome power ofthe hook. Well, time for work. Mwah!

Mmm. Open-faced club sand wedge. You're four strokes behind, Simpson.

And I love your sensible ponytail. Well, thank you. See, Jojo? She likes it.

Clang, clang, clang went the trolley Ring, ring, ring went the bell - Zing, Zing, zing went my heart strings-- Thank you! Give the bully an extra point.

I bid you adieu. I'm Artie Ziff! I gotta hand it to Artie Ziff, Marge. That little nerd saved my life. And our marriage, with his latest invention-- the snore converter.

so today we all have to stay two extra hours to make up for the time we lost. Ha!

It makes my blood boil-- and my left arm feel numb. Also, I taste copper.

Attention, Homer Simpson. You have 10 seconds to explain your actions... before we open fire!

But if they miss one payment, I'll raise hell! Hey, Homer, where's your present? D'oh! I mean, don't worry, son. I forgot to get you a present. But I swear on my father's grave-- Hey! I will get you one now.

Bart, what are you doing? Hey, what the-- Hmm. All right.

She'll save the party! Honey, sit down. Have a big slice of cake! What? I'm not fat enough already? How could you say that to me? (CRYING) Lisa, wait!

Ah. Oh, the scraping seems wrong, but it feels so right. And so, as, uh, heavyweight champion, recognized by nine of the 14 sanctioning bodies, I sincerely urge you all to stay in school.

Maybe I do. Outstanding! Hey, everybody. Look who's back. It's the big baby! "Oh, this porridge is too hot. Oh, wah, wah, wah!"

Smithers, I'm back in the pink ! Full of pith and vinegar ! just remarkable, sir. You know, it's funny, Smithers. I tried every tincture and poultice and tonic and patent medicine there is, and all I really needed was the blood of a young boy.

I'll dig an outhouse! I'll weed the floor!

Well, it's been two hours. How do you feel? I don't know. I kind of want a cigarette. That's a good start. Let's get you a pack. What's your brand? Anything slim.

and he sold his good name to a quack medicine company. Oh, and later he raised turkeys. That was on his turkey farm. Hmm. Mmm. Mmm.

Nothing evil. That's exactly the kind of radical thinking I need. It's a deal. See that, boy? Why aren't you making any business deals? I'll do it this afternoon.

I-- I don't want a piece of candy. I need your-- Come on, Mister. Can you help me ? Oh, forget it. I'm so stupid. Anybody could have learned this dumb language by now.

Careful, men. He wets his pants.

And I vow to continue spending every free minute I have... crusading for safety ! Of course, I'd have a lot less of those free minutes if you gave me the job. Mmm. You're not as stupid as you look or sound... or our best testing indicates.

Stay away... forever. Oh, no! Wait a minute. That's no good.

I have nothing to say to you. But, Marge, I was a political prisoner. How are you a political prisoner? I kicked a giant mouse in the butt. Do I have to draw you a diagram?

I bring you peace. As a representative of planet Earth, let me be the first to say--

English - US - SDH

Mmm! Mmm! Forbidden doughnut. Hmm? Well, well. Finishing something?

Why, hello, Bart. Say, are those new shoes?

Hmm. Well, there's Mr. Burns, Fat Tony... the emperor of Japan, ex-President Bush- The late Frank Grimes. PBS, Stephen Hawking, the fat little Dixie Chick. And the state of Florida. How can one ordinary man have so many enemies? I'm a people person... who drinks.

And schoolmistress krabappel... has been stealing supplies from the school cafeteria. Edna! How could you? Don't get up. I'll bus my own tray. And now we come to Mr. Homer Simpson.

You lose. Get off my property. Let's have the next child. Look, everybody. Simpson's in a contest with children. - Hey, shh! - You're making us miss the contest. Could you explain your model, young man?

That's preposterous. Zutroy here is as American as apple pie. Mr. Burns. This plant violates every labor law in the book. We found a missing Brazilian soccer team working in your reactor core. That plane crashed on my property! Look, Mr. Burns, we want to see some changes.

I'm telling you Flanders' store was dee-serted. What do you think of your bestest buddy now? Dad, do you know what "schadenfreude" is? No, I do not know what "schadenfreude" is. Please tell me because I'm dying to know. It's German for "shameful joy--"

but he's not some kind of food-crazed maniac. Ah! Oh! That's raspberry. Oh.

You always want more eye of newt. If it were up to you, the brew would be nothing but newt eyes. Well, look who's here. If I knew you were coming, I'd have baked a cat. What a day. They found out I was a witch, so I had to leave my family. Really? So you finally left Durwood.

I didn't see any U.F.O.! That's right, miss. You didn't.

And I have something to tell you. Stop it! Come on. Let's hear that snap.

Governors Island looks so insignificant from up here. Hey, immigrants, beat it! Country's full! Okay, folks. You heard the lady. Back into the hold. We'll try Canada.

Run, Kodos! Ha-ha-ha! Well, Kang, it seems the earthlings won. Did they? That board with the nail in it may have defeated us,

Now it's heading for the church! Don't worry. I planned for this.

Okay, we'll do something about that right away. Let's start by doubling your medication. Our residents... are trying... to nap! Ah! Let me in!

See you around, Mr. Homer. Don't worry, Joey. We'll make it to California someday. Sure we will, Mr. Homer. Sure we will. It's gonna be sad around here without you, Homer.

One Chorus line of people dancing till they make us stop

What do you want ? Oh, just thought I'd drop by to tell you that you're fired. What ? Our company does not look kindly upon $1,000 worth of insurance fraud. Clean out your desk by noon, Simpson. Wait, Mr. Smithers. Homer Simpson is innocent. I did this.

My one successful crime. You were quite the gentleman. Today’s robbers, they are all smash and grab. You understood the dance. Our time is passing, old friend. Uh, if you two country hens are finished clucking... I'd like to buy a copy of Jugs s Ammo.

Oh, yeah. How is old Grimey?

Ooh. You sound like me. Well, the old me. Which was, ironically, the young me.

It's too late for me, Marge. Sell the jeans and live like a queen! Is Bart home? just taking Maggie for a stroll. I guess I am putting up the Halloween decorations a little early. Criticism accepted.

with stuff that might give your kids nightmares.

Now, where were we? - Oh, yeah. I was gonna tell your fortune. - Huh? Oh, man. You're gonna be rich! Whoa! There's your mansion. There's the tennis court. And there's the swimming pool. See you later, Bart.

Oh, uh, constantly. When we're not being kicked out for our rowdy, youthful behavior. - Eh, pally? - Yup. No one's rowdier and more youthful than Old Man Burns. You mean Young Man Burns. Mmm. Hmm. Put my hand on her knee.

Well, howdilly-doodilly, neighbors. Shouldn't you be in your shelterinis by now?

to step out of childhood and become men.

I hope you feel better, Santa. Oh, I will when Mrs. Claus' sisters get outta town. Thanks for listenin', kid. Hey, Santa, what's shakin', man ? What's your name, Bart... ner ? Uh, little partner ? I'm Bart Simpson. Who the hell are you ? I'm jolly Old St. Nick.

Truant ball, eh? I'll help you. Oh, quit showing off, Seymour. I'll get it. There is something in there. Feels like a Hefty Bag full of meat. We're trapped! Oh, why can't they just play through?

D'oh! When I was young, toys were built to last. Look at this junk! It breaks the first time you take it out of the box. And look at these toy soldiers! They'll break the second I step on 'em.

I'm free? Oh, Mrs. Simpson. Oh, geez, I'm sorry. Sorry. You won't regret this. I hope this is okay. It's not very prison-y. It's more than I deserve, ma'am.

Really? I'm surprised about Maggie. just come up and watch our orientation film. You're free to leave at any time. Wow! A free movie! Thanks! Out of my way, jerk-ass! Once we collect enough money for fuel, our leader will throw open the doors of the forbidden barn,

I can see everything, and they're none the wiser. Oh? An intruder! He will pay the ultimate price.

Well, john Q. Driveway has our number. Now we play the waiting game. Ah, the waiting game sucks. Let's play Hungry Hungry Hippos.

i Ve never actually been to a baseball game. The fresh air gives me hives.

Hello, hotline? I'm very tempted by another woman. Homer Simpson, that's a dilly of a pickle. Hey, let's conference you with Marge, huh? No!

No, Homer, it's mine. You don't even know your own wife's birthday ? Well, of course I know. Sure. You really thought I forgot, didn't you ? Oh, right. What did you get her, Dad ? What did you get ? Uh, well, a very thoughtful gift. But it's a surprise.

Check it out-- There's island blackjack, island craps, island Texas hold 'em. But if, like me, you're mesmerized by pretty colors and spinning things, you'll prefer roulette. Four sand dollars on number six, please.

No, no. He's fine. Go on, Mojo. Show Marge your happy dance.

Hey, the dummy can't hurt you. He's not even alive. He's dead!

Do it. Do the blood thing. Come on. Do it. - Do it, do it, do it, do it ! - Why are you trying to scare us ? Are you trying to keep us from getting close to you, maybe even loving you ? Leave me alone. Don't talk to her like that.

why aren't these uniforms colorfast? I don't understand it. I got them at the same place I buy Mother's dresses, and-- Good Lord! Mother's in the park! This I've gotta see. Oh, Marge, we were so close to winning the championship. Now, thanks to Burns, it's never gonna happen.

Yeah, man. Oh, oh. Okay, okay. Don't try anything funny. I'm armed to the teeth.

drinking and driving narcotics possession

Hmm. Pablo Neruda said laughter is the language of the soul. I am familiar with the works of Pablo Neruda. I think we should do a test.

Hello ? Something scary happening. Hey, Poindexter, it's Halloween. Put the book away.

Hmm. I wonder if I could blow up heaven? GOD: Homer Simpson, it's time you got what's coming to you. Your Frisbee. Cool. You guys got a good buffet up here? Oh, yeah. Just stay away from the three-bean salad.

Now wait a minute. Dirty words you can spell on your calculator is a very important subject. "Boobs." (LAUGHS) Just like what girls got. Well, that's all over now. From now on, we will focus solely on important issues.

Oh, ain't that cute? Makes Li'l Debbie look like a pile of puke. Would you like to be the first to take a tour of the plant, Li'l Lisa? I'd love to, partner. The whole plant is environmentally sound. It's powered by old newspapers, the machinery is made entirely of used cans,

Oh! Ah! Stroke me, clover. Say me name. Ew! The best thing about a gypsy wedding is I'm not the hairiest woman here. Yep. Everything worked out for the best.

it's The Simpson Family Smile-Time Variety Hour. Featuring the Waylon Smithers Dancers... and the Springfield Baggy Pants Players. And now, a family that doesn't know the meaning of the word "canceled," the Simpsons!

Let's do it. I think I'm going to take a walk. All right! A peanut. I'm telling you, all a man needs is an idea and I've got an idea.

Marge, I agree with you in theory. In theory, Communism works. In theory. Look, he thinks he's people.

I can honestly say that was the most fun I've ever had. The mill, the history, all that gorgeous foliage. I can't "exscape" Lisa, our little walking "libary."

Buy my cereal. I didn't do it ! Oh, I wish I could believe you.

Lisa, don't spoil our fun. Come on, dear. It's time to go. Okay, stupid!

Man, I thought Mom was gonna scream me stupid. She didn't even raise her voice. I admit I haven't known Mom as long as you have, but I know when she's really upset. Her heart won't just wipe clean like this bathroom countertop. It absorbs everything that touches it like this bathroom rug.

Must hurt self. Must hurt self. Must hurt self. D'Oh! Hmm. Probably better that didn't hit me.

Uh, I'm sorry, Judge. That's a rare lapse in my normally calm demeanor. Could the stenographer please read back the previous statement? "Why, you little"- Why, you little- Why, you little- Why, you little-

Miss Naegle, I'm sorry to surprise you like this. But I thought if we met face to face, we could settle our differences. Well, let's make it quick. I know you have to get back to your kids and I'm late for a skydiving massage. I'll cut to the chase.

I have visited the future, and yes, it will.

Our mayor is corrupt? Well, Mr. X has done this town a great service-- despite his poor grammar and spelling. Seymour! Are you looking at naked ladies? No, Mother. You sissy!

Not me. I'm shaking like a French soldier. Yeah. I think I just logged onto my Internet. Only a moron would jump into that-- Geronimo! Oh, my God! D'oh!

And with a male roommate, we can walk around naked. Way ahead of ya! J; Whoo! Dont worry, sweetie. Your father wont stay mad forever. ts so weird not having Dad here. I cant fall asleep if I havent read him his bedtime story. Hello?

You look so glamorous, Mom! Oh, and you smell like vanilla flowers. Dad, you look totally classy. You could be Abe Lincoln's father's boss. Can you see the pie stains? It'll be dark.

Awesome! So long, suckers!

Yes, there's no such thing as ghosts.

And there weren't any jewish cowboys.

We want Michael! We want Michael! Here he is. Here's the guy you want to see! Aahh! Huh? Huh? He's 300 pounds. He's white.

monstrous, despicable, sweet little angel. But, Betty, it you'd just give me a chance-- What? I can't believe you went to all that trouble for me. Ding, ding, ding, ding! Thanks, Grampa.

I'll love you for the rest of my life. I'm sorry, Lurleen. All I wanted to do was share your beautiful voice... with other people, and I've done that. Now, I'd better get out of here before I lose my family.

Wow, man, what is this place? I prefer not to be called "man." My name is Belle, and this is the Maison Derriere. That means the, uh, "Back House." Are you havin' a party or somethin'? Nonstop. We're a burlesque house--

Five times nine. Forty-five. Wow! This guy is the chief. He's been here since 1968. Never says a word. Hey, Chief. Hello. It's about time somebody reach out to me.

Well, live and learn. There he is ! Don't do it, Dad !

I was supervising the Guns for Toys program. It's Toys for Guns! Now you tell me. Oh! Simpson!

Don't worry, folks. He'll get the help he needs.

Gambling with all the glitz and glamour of the British Isles. Best of all, the waitresses and showgirls are all real Brits. Fresh from the streets of Sussex they are! Freshen your drink, governor? Get out. Okay. All right. Wait-- Now-- Now, dig this, man-- Get out! - Wow. Oh, let me just get my head together. - Now!

drowned in a sea of low fat pudding. Look, I got runner-up prize. You won second place? No, but I got it. Stealing is wrong. "Free boudoir photography." Sweet!

Every note is a dagger in my heart. I got to get out of here.

Curly, straight. Curly, straight. Ow! Why, you little-- Mr. Simpson, stop! It's a defenseless animal!

Time for monkey to shine. I'd like to buy a mint condition Spider-Man number one, please. And I'd like an hour on the holodeck with Seven of Nine. Oh! Saturn's rings! Let me get that for you.

(TIRES SCREECHING) Seen it... Bad... Boring... Saw it on the plane... Rerun... Rerun... Telemundo... Me... Turned it down... ABC... Banned from the set... Lame... Lame... Regis... (GROANS)

Whoa! (EXCITED CHATTER) KID 1: Check it out! KID 2: Whoa, look at that! Ahh... I wish I had that shirt. It's clever, funny, and would cover my boy boobs nicely. I'm too sexy for my shirt Too sexy for my shirt

What kinda madman would do that? (GRUNTING) (GRUNTS) (GASPS) Ooh. Bart! Honey, I'm so sorry! No problem. Huh. No harm done. I wouldn't say that.

Hey, check it out. Skinner's mopping the goo off his house!

The Bible forbids same-sex relations. Which book? Which book? The Bible! But, Reverend, (CHURCH BELL TOLLING) scriptural scholars disagree on the significance of depictions of marriage in Old Testament's descriptions.

Party! Party! Party! Party! Party!

Move it, chowderhead! We call it Three Stooges syndrome. So what you're saying is I'm indestructible. Oh, no, no. In fact, even a slight breeze could-- Indestructible.

I'd like to start a jazz program for the music department.

That's a powerful-- Oh! Hey! Whoa! Hold it, 'cause it's different! Whoo!

I couldn't imagine a happier marriage. We don't have many traditions in our family, but it would mean a lot to me if you kept this one alive. Well, I'd be honored to... wear those things. Ohh.

My God! I've created life. Lisa, breakfast! We're having waffles.

Yeah! 'Cause if they don't-- Manjula, we've got a special guest for you. Is it my husband's whore? Even better. This is goin' great!

Out of the way, you! Ahhh.

Oh, yeah? I'll prove it. Hey, Jessica! Yes? Am I supposed to know you? Jessica, we just-- Ooh! That's for besmirching an innocent girl's name! Why? I'm sorry, Bart.

I'll bet I get blamed for this.

(HOWLING) Oh, thank goodness. Rescue dogs. (GROWLING) "And the angel said unto them, 'Fear not, "'for behold, I bring you good tidings of great joy "'which shall be to all people...'" Stop that! You can't pray on city property!

Homer is a brutally honest man, completely tactless and insensitive. Guilty as charged. The problem I have is people love me so much they never criticize me. I speed all the time, but cops never give me a ticket. If I don't pay my taxes, the I.R.S. pays them for me. Oh, you poor thing. It's hell being Mel.

Man, that's gonna be some show. Who's ready for some football? Football! whoo-hoo whoo-hoo Hey, Homer, we've been running around cheering for an hour.

Maybe it's not a crayon made of wax. Maybe it's a crayon made of prejudice.

If I hadn't already packed my letter opener, I'd give you such a stabbing. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Whoa, Ray. Are we gonna let politics get in the way of our friendship? Friendship? You told people I lured children into my gingerbread house. Yeah. That was just a lie. Simpson, the American people...

It is time for decisive action. I have here a polite but firm letter to Mr. Burns's underlings, who, with some cajoling, will pass it along to him, or at least give him the gist of it.

I can't take this much longer. I gotta have a beer!

Huh? Oh! Oh! Ah!

But, whether you noticed her or not, Maude was always there.

Smooth! Book 'em, Lou. One count of being a bear. And one count of being an accessory to being a bear.

they fight and fight and fight fight-fight-fight, fight-fight-fight the itchy & scratchy show!

He may have been a dirty stinking coward, but show me a Simpson that isn't. I'm not a coward. All right, you're not a coward. And that's beside the point because--

Good evening, I'm Scott Christian. Kent Brockman is off tonight. Why did the clown cross the road ? To rob a Kwik-E-Mart. The news story behind that enigmatic half-joke right after this commercial message. Wait a minute. Bart, you know that guy on your lunch box ?

"We're under six." And I'm a college student. Heh, heh!

Mom, that's a school for the blind. Think of the leg up you'd have. How can we afford any of these private schools? They're all so expensive. If we want to throw good money after bad, why don't we just get Grampa that new pacemaker? I need two double-A batteries, now! Get 'em from the smoke detector.

How would you like it if 20 years from now... people were laughing at things you did? Not likely. Come on. Have a sense of humor about yourself.

Great set. Oh, thanks. But the crowd kept looking at me like I was using too many augmented ninths. Aw, they just came for the buffalo wings. But you really got through to me. Oh, good. I figure if you've got something special to say, you have to share it with the world. Yeah. While you still can. Thanks.

Mmm! It's dessert but it's hot dogs, so it's good for you. Marge, I don't want to freak you out, but I think I love you.

At this point in time, I would like to direct your attention... to the particular air vehicle next to which I am currently standing. The Harrier jet is one of our more dollar-intensive, ordnance-delivery vectors. Five tires? Am I seeing things? Uh, and although it looks complicated, it's so well-designed, even a child could fly it. - Can I fly it? - Of course you cannot.

My spidey sense is tingling. It's that good? Whoa. Did I say "spidey"? I meant "stinky." Enough said.

and Dinner Dog.

Well, this uniform is a little snug. (WOMEN CATCALLING) Oh, yeah!

Zelda loves me. I hate this house! Turn that down! You call that music? I-- I just don't know what to do.

I have many, many issues with my beloved smother-- mother! Bart, leave that man alone with his pain and sit down. Okay. All right, how much do you charge? If money's a problem, I charge on a sliding scale. I can go as low as $30 an hour.

Santa was in an awful pickle. Beatniks had given drugs to the reindeer and they were no darn good. So Santa placed a call to Secretary of Defense Melvin Laird. Jimmy Stewart as a puppet is just wrong.

(SCREAMING) Well, it's better they hear it from me now than from their parents when they're old enough.

You know, I heard the jackpot's up to $130 million. $130 million? Did you say $130 million? Yeah. Wow!

That will be $10,000, Apu. Congratulations, Mr. Homer. Thank you.

All rightilly-dightilly. Hey, Flanders. Hidilly-ho, neighboreeno! Shut up! Okilly-dokilly. So, Ned, you're having a family reunion and you didn't invite me? Oh, gosh, Homer. This is strictly a Flanders affair. I got family here from around the globe. Here's josÉ Flanders. Buenos ding-dong-diddly-dÍas, seÑor.

No, I'm practically perfect in every way. Well, so am I.

Uh... that's a nice dress. My dad makes me wear it. I hate it. I hate it too. Uh... can I walk you home? Okay. Everybody on. No shoving. just kidding. You can shove all you want. Hey, Otto Man, you can't leave.

Come back! Those are prescription pants! Now, Ralphie, what are you gonna do if you see Mrs. Simpson? Freeze, you crazy mommy! That a boy. But you gotta aim a little higher.

SQUEAKY-VOICED BRITISH TEEN: Welcome to Judi Dench's Fish & Chips. Now completely free of "Mad Fish Disease." Fish? I don't know. I'm not really a vegetarian. Please order or Miss Dench'll be furious. She'll beat us, she will.

You are hereby ordered to go nuts!

Whoop-dee-do, sir. Yes, whoop-dee-do. Whoop-dee-do to the world! Whoop-dee-do, Mr. Florist. Whoop-dee-do, Mr. Physical Trainer. Whoop-dee-do, Mr. President. I'm happy you've finally found love. Whoop-dee-do, Tarantula Town. Whoop-dee-do, employees. Everyone who's found true love may leave early today.

Marge, am I crazy or is my back getting hairier? Before I go to camp, I'll need boosters for malaria, German measles, encephalitis, Hansen's disease-- Oh, now, I'm afraid what we have here is an advanced case of hypochondria.

Leprosy! Unclean! Unclean!

Mm-hmm. Hmm. Lisa, how old are you? I am three and three eighths. Hmm. Lisa, if I have five apples, and I take away three apples, how many apples do I have left? Two apples. Wait a minute.

Did we ever turn off that shower nozzle? (ALL GRUNTING) I'm taking you all out for tacos! BOTH: Yay! Okay, for Malibu Stacy's beach party, we've got pita, hummus, tempeh, tofu. What other fun foods do we need?

(SCOFFS) I can't stand it. Thank you. Thank you. I want to see you all next week at my concert in Krakow! (ALL LAUGHING)

That's impossible. How did you get here first?

That's our old smellhound and-- Geech gone to heaven, Mr. Terwilliger. Oh, Cousin Merl, really!

It's hip to be square. That song is so lame. So lame that it's... cool? No. Am I cool, kids? - No. - Good. I'm glad. And that's what makes me cool-- not caring. Right? No. Well, how the hell do you be cool? I feel like we've tried everything here.

Be careful when we capture him. We cannot claim the reward unless we have 51% of the carcass.

Do you know what really frosts my Kelvinator?

Have I ever. just the thought of doin' anything bad again just makes my stomach turn. Well, then, you're free to go.

Is that perfume? Oh! Don't be such a Phoebe. It's Pretension by Calvin Klein. Wanna try some? Mm-mmm. Okay. So what's the haps in Springfield? What do you guys, like, do for fun? Well, you'll definitely wanna get yourself a good doll.

Principal Skinner, the school's on fire! Spread, spread, spread! Spread, spread, spread! It's crystal clear who did this-- Jack Crowley! No way. You don't know that Jack did this. Just because he's an ex-con-- Ooh! Crowley's an ex-con?

Look, Smithers. A creature of pure malevolence.

MARGE: Homer! What are all these recreational vehicles doing here? These are my new friends. They like me for me and my plumbing and gas hookups. Young lady, I like what you're driving. Is that one of them two-level Wander-Kings? This is a house!

Oh-- Someday I'll have my vengeance. Someday when I find my way out of this savage, roach-ridden cesspool! Say, Terwilliger's a Yalie.

Ah, sorry. Let me buy you a drink. Very well. I will have a shot of cranberry schnapps.

He's in his early 40s, is unmarried and currently resides in Springfield. Thanks for writing. We'll be right back.

Now, where's the inside man? Mmm? Call me mint jelly, 'cause I'm on the lam! Ahh!

Ooh! Please be a melon baller. Please be a melon baller.

Now I control the Roboverse!

Oh, that's great. Thank you. Thanks a lot. Uh, I just want to say that it was an honor for me... to compete with the mick and the, uh, chick with the rack there.

Wow, that's quite a threat!

Now, here's how it would look if the police killed him with a barrage of baseballs. We've gotta go down there and help Dad.

It wasn't easy, but I got all the grizzlies. Great. I'll do the pony while you do the lions. Make sure you strap 'em on real tight. Now, step three. Are you sure this is art-- and not vandalism? That's for the courts to decide, Son.

Oh! Thank the good dude, I'm saved! - And we can go back for the kids too. - Hmm. I think I'm gonna like it on this boat.

Hey, hey! Lights out! Oh, honestly. At Chino they get to stay up till 9:00. Now, Bob, I've talked to the warden at Chino, and that's just not true.

The Batmobile. Adam West! Hey, kids. Batman. Dad, that's not the real Batman. Of course I'm Batman. See, here's a picture of me with Robin. Who the hell's Robin?

Okay. Rod and Todd are. And the wife has a thing for me. But she hides it behind a mask of low-key hostility. But we've got to give this thing a chance. I want the two families to take a trip together this weekend. No way, josÉ. Yes way. Don't worry, Bart. It seems like every week something odd happens to the Simpsons.

All right! Yeah! How did I do? Well, you failed every segment and misspelled "bus" on your application. Drag. Let me in.

Ow! Ow! My heart!

Lousy bragging know-it-all show-off. What exactly did he say ? Get this. He said-- Now-- He said-- Well, it wasn't so much what he said, it was how he said it.

"Tip one: Live each day like it was your last." I dont want to die! I'm so young!

I nodded, nearly napping. Suddenly, there came a tapping, as of someone gently rapping, rapping at my chamber door. 'Tis some visitor... I muttered. tapping at my chamber door, only this and nothing more.

But now, with the Lazy Man Reclining Toilet Chair, you can just lean back and let 'er rip. You expect people to go to the bathroom in their living rooms? Sure. Believe me, every man in America will want to have one. Gangway! Gotta poop. No, Bart!

Drink up, Judah Ben-Hur. You truly are the king of kings.

Please don't hurt me. You leave me little recourse. And now the Estrogen Network presents Afternoon Yak. Men. Boo! Canceled. The safe baby craze.

That back and forther you witnessed didn't happen overnight. It took years of effort. I've never been afraid of hard work. That's the spirit. Step one-- find an activity to share. Does the boy have any interests? What boy? Your son.

Oh, no! Chinese fire drill! Serious this time! Come on, boot guy! Oh. Flushing Meadows.

What is this place? The refuge of the damned. A place where we can work on our extra-credit assignments without fear of reprisal. Come, you must be tired from the chase. Oliver, bring our friend a hard-boiled egg and some prune juice. Finally, Bart's one of us.

and don't you forget it. You're all talk, Hamill. You never even finished jedi school. - Show's over, Mayor. - Look out! Give me that knife. No, it's mine.

This better be good, because you are interrupting my faithfulness. Oh, boy. I took the tape out of the store's surveillance camera. Look. Oh, Apu, scratch and win! Mmm, that's good adultery! Oh! Oh, I am so sorry, Manjula.

Hi, I'm Doug Vaccaro. You know me as Chip, the wisecracking assistant on the hit sitcom Toolin' Around. A man in an apron! But today I'm here as a "tool" of Global Dynamics Corp. You know, installing your own barbecue pit...

Hey. Something's comin' down the mountain-- fast! Oh, no! He fell! i can't look! Hi. Oh, Homie! You're alive!

It worked. It worked. The lie has set me free! Well, I'm hot-blooded check it and see I got A fever of A hundred and three Come on, baby do you do more than dance

Who wants ass frosting?

so I called my friend, Sting. He said, "When do you need me?" I said, "Thursday." He said, "I'm busy." I said, "Friday?" He said, "Friday's worse." Then he said, "How about Saturday?" I said, "Fine."

It takes about six weeks. Hey, Milhouse, would you like a wet willie? Sure. Eww!

What are you doing? Oh. I gotcha. One, two, three, four, I declare a thumb war. One, two, three. Hey, that was a fast count. Remember when I said I would eat you last?

Hey, you built a model city. Is that the school? Whoops, my finger slipped. Whoops, my finger slipped. Whoops, my finger slipped. Bart! Stop it!

I thought Kearney was dating your mom. Hey, she came on to me. Get him! Ow!

Well, then, one could make the argument... that there really is no problem. But what I did was wrong. Oh, very much so. But as long as we handle this in a mature and, above all, quiet manner, we'll still get that grant money. Oh, you really scared me there.

Homer's a critic. Pass it on. Did you hear? Homer's a critic. Quit changing the subject! Where is Uter? We just want closure. Arr! Here you are.

Why do jerks think everyone wants to see their stupid name?

Whoa! Whoa! Thank you.

Remember to rebel against authority, kids! Don't listen to him, children. W-We already did. Now I can't get it out of my head! Thank you, Nelson.

Mom, let's just grab what we can and get out of here. This storm is making people crazy.

The whole world wants me to eat meat! I can't fight it anymore! There! Is everybody happy now?

Heaven has a wide array of fine dining just steps from your room. Have a light bite at the Pope of Sandwich Village. Okay, let's see. Earth is channel 23, I think.

Mm-hmm. I think we'll just go to the Texas Cheesecake Depository. Everybody is going to family restaurants these days. Seems nobody wants to hang out in a dank pit no more. You ain't thinkin' of gettin' rid of the dank, are ya, Moe? Ahh, maybe I am. Ah, but, Moe, the dank-- the dank!

Eww. How'd you get a name like that ? Well, let me put it this way. You ever been to the dentist ? - Yeah. - Not me. I suppose I should go to one, but I got enough pain in my life as it is.

You know, son, the day you were born I received the greatest gift a man could have. As the years went by your mother and I were blessed twice more and not a day goes by we don't thank God for all three of you. Homer!

Hey! We can get away in their pouches! Eew! It's not like in cartoons. Yeah. There's a lot more mucus.

I'm not garbage.

So how about you and me go out sometime? You know, out back? I mean, uh, out to dinner at a fancy French restaurant?

Lobo. - O.J. Morphine. - Lobo. And a bottle of aspirin, please. The aspirin is 24.95. 24.95! I lowered the price because an escaped mental patient tampered with the bottle.

I didn't do it for them. I did it for you, Marge. I'd kill for you. - Please ask me to kill for you. - No, Homie.

Yeah. Why would they believe you? Because I can do this.

A headset telephone? i thought those only existed in the movies. Boo-yah! Guess who sold the Whitman place? Good for you. Way to go.

No, Dad. It's to fight soil erosion. Now, that's a fight I wanna be a part of.

- I'm glad you make the least money. - Oh, that's it! Hey, hey, stop it! Stop it! YOu-- Let go of me! Before a riot could break out, jimmy Carter came to the rescue with his comedy break dancing. Got a brother named Billy and my teeth look silly Break it down now Whoa! Whoa!

but instead, I'm leaving town forever. No, please. I don't care what you've done. You're still a decent, honorable man. Mmm.

Let's see. We have no A's. So let's go right to the B's. Bart. Huh? Ha!

So give her back those cupcakes before I knock your block off. Don't, Bart ! He's a friend of Nelson Muntz ! Ooh ! Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah !

(DOORBELL CHIMING) Girl Scout cookies! HOMER: Oh, come on. She's a little girl! MR. BURNS: Grow a spine on your own time, blimpo! Just one second, sweetheart. Now pie that Brownie, fruitcake! Sorry.

Yea! Hope you enjoyed that, kids, 'cause Krusty's outta here for the summer. In the meantime, we'll be running-- "Klassic Krusty." Enjoy!

- Oh! - Oh! Game's over. I got down on the floor for this?! Wait, Dad. I've got something for you. I was hoping it would be money. Hmm, dear. We're in serious trouble here. We're just going to have to cut down on luxuries.

J You took a 20-carat diamond J J And made it gleam J J Like a big spaghetti dinnerJ J Smothered in whipped cream J JJ f Orchestra f

Lady, you've gotta be kidding ! Rubber Baby Buggy Bumper Baby-sitting Service. Hello. This is Mr. S-Sampson. Did your wife just call a second ago ? No, I said Sampson, not Simpson. Thank God ! Those Simpsons, what a bunch of savages !

Hey, you guys! You're in our spot. What? Oh, okay, we'll move. We don't want any trouble, fellas. Dad, only one of them is real. I know, but which one? Ohh.

"101 Frozen Pops." A Nobel Prize winner! An NBA All-Star! Ooh! One of the Sweathogs. I checked. It's not Horshack.

(IMITATES BART) Feast on my shorts, stupid father man. Wait, you're not Bart. Close enough. (LAUGHING) (CHINESE-STYLE) American jerks are going home Now we sleep for a thousand years

I'm a bad father. You're also fat. I'm also fat!

Who designed this house?

I've earned a little break.

Why..?" It says the little boy who never lost faith in you has lost faith in you. You will go to Bart Simpson's for dinner! But I have plans. Hey! Not the face! Why you maddening, impossible man! If you don't go tonight I won't be here tomorrow. Oh, all right, I'll go.

I am imposing a curfew.

we have transcended incorrigible. I don't think suspension or expulsion will do the trick. I think it behooves us all to consider... deportation. Deportation ? You mean kick Bart out of the country ?

Well, well. If it isn't Marge Simpson and her gangland cronies. Your goon squad certainly gave you the edge in the mobile snack business. But I'm afraid we've outdone you once again. Hiroshi, Yukio. Perhaps you've heard of the Yakuza, the poison fists of the Pacific Rim? The japanese Mafia?

Do you have any idea how much pressure we're under... to come up with a new Furby or Tickle Me Elmo? And thanks to you, Funzo is the first doll designed by children, for children, with all the profits going to children. Really? Yeah. Well, we're all somebody's children.

I know she's young, but Lisa has proven herself mature and dependable. Dad, help me out. Take it like a man, boy, and do everything your little sister says. This is an outrage! I am two years and 38 days older than she is! This is the greatest injustice in the history of the world!

Oh, Lisa, it's terrible. Okay. This dance has gone Titanic. What happened? Well, the boys and girls are, like, afraid of each other. They're acting like a bunch of--

Humpin' "hay-zeus"! He got all of that one! It's going, going, going-- Our technical director today was Stan Kadlubowski. it's out of here! 'Topes win!

using these Lucky Charms as bait. D'oh!

I was banned for 10 years. Finally I got a second chance on Laugh-In.

You are on a quest for knowledge. Who said that?

- And why did they leave England ? - Giant rats. Cool. History's coming alive. As a natural enemy, I don't know why I should care, but the information pertaining to America's colonial period that you just received... is erroneous. So you're saying--

Hi. I'm Ron Howard.

Ugh! Who pays for that wedding? I'm just saying you feel threatened by Bart, but it's all in your head. You're right. But just to be safe, maybe I should chain him up. Dad, I think you're overreacting. I think you're under-reacting.

Hold still. I'm so proud. My dad will be the grand finale of the Thanksgiving Day parade. Wanna rehearse, Dad? I don't need to rehearse. Ho, ho, ho! Merry-- - Line. - Christmas. Wha-- Let me see that. Well, looks like another beautiful 80-degree Thanksgiving Day,

Uh, little help. Bart, stop fooling around. Principal Skinner, I thought public schools... were required to have access ramps for the disabled.

That's a pretty big caboose for a baby.

Yo, Mr. Black. Another brandy. Gentlemen, to evil. Marge, since the kids left, I've lost five pounds! Oh, that's wonderful! And look-- new hair! I'm this close to having a comb-over.

- Homer ? - What ? Why are you doing this ? Why can't you accept that I'm here with someone else ? Because I'm sure we were meant to be together.

Get a job ? Were they serious ? I didn't realize it at the time, but a little piece of my childhood had slipped away... forever. - Bart, what are you staring at ? - Uh, nothing. He didn't say it, and neither did I, but at that moment, my dad and I were closer than we'd ever-- Bart, stop it !

- Uh-huh! Absolutely. - Yep. Oh, I agree. Hello, Marge. Oh, my! Come, Marge. You don't need to cover up for me. I'm merely a pile of circuits and microchips. Oh. Sorry. Sometimes I forget.

The following is a public service announcement. Excessive alcohol consumption can cause liver damage... and cancer of the rectum. Mmm, beer. Hmm.

Turn it down! We don't want to wake up Mom and Dad!

Hey, Landlord, some clown changed my locks padlocked the door, and put up an eviction notice. Yeah. That was me.

Okay, boy. I wrote down exactly what to say. just read it, and you're a Shoo-in! "Hello, Mr.-- Kurns. I bad want... money now. Me sick." Ooh, he card reads good.

Young man... youve ingested a dangerous amount of alcohol. The only dangerous amount is none. Let's go to the IHOP. I'm driving. - Come on! - Hey! Hey! - Okay, Burger King! Whatever! Get his leg!

Lisa, what did I ever do to you-ou-ou? Why does it talk like a lamb?

Yeah! I meant our wedding rings. You know, Marge, you're right. The Simpson family is the best possible club I could belong to. Mmm! Ow! ow! Aah!

I got it right here in writing. "The father of the boy who doesn't win... has to mow the lawn in his wife's Sunday dress." Yeah, but neither-- I mean, we're both-- I mean, you have to do it too. It's a small price to pay to see you humiliate yourself.

They're just children's stories. They can't hurt you. Ohh. Oh, I hate Halloween.

That's some nice flutin', boy. They will be playing "The Stars and Stripes Forever," hopefully not forever. This sucks!

How am I supposed to be a good dad when I never had one myself?

I love the Leader. The Leader is perfect. Wait. I'm confused about the movie. So the cops knew that Internal Affairs was setting them up? What are you talking about? There's nothing like that in there.

Lisa, where have you been?

I believe it was a "boaking" accident. I have to go now.

Come on. Let me cut you a brownie while they're still hot. Dad, I'm kind of edgy right now. I'd appreciate you not coming in my room screaming and brandishing a butcher knife. Why? Oh, right. The Sideshow Bob thing.

I don't feel so good. Maybe I oughta eat something. Oh, I'm afraid your eating days are over.

I'm offering three bottles-- enough to clean 1,000 tombstones-- for only $39.95. Boo!

Oh, my God! Krusty's shoes! Okay, folks, show's over. Nothing to see here. Show's-- Oh, my God! A horrible plane crash! Hey, everybody, get a load of this flaming wreckage. Come on, crowd around. Crowd around. Don't be shy. Crowd around.

Happy Love Day, everyone! Come on, Mom. The stores just invented this holiday to make money.

(SPEAKING HEBREW) Very good. You just earned yourself a Dr. Brown's. Krusty, you know Diane, Stu, and Jeremy from the network.

Bless you, boys. - Homer, those are ice cream men. - I know.

A car hole. You're late, Herman. Surely you don't mind waiting for merchandise of this quality, Mr. Jericho. Huh. Looks like good stuff, but of course, I'll have to sample it first. These are fabulous!

Well, sir, we got a scorcher today. And to cool off, nothin' beats Fruitopia-- the iced tea brewed by hippies, but distributed by a heartless, multinational corporation.

Doctor, before we begin, I have a couple questions. Time is money. Ask the mask. What if I just do aerobics- Hmm.

Ah, what the hell do you want-- You still owe me $50-- Slow down. Slow down! Alfred Hitchcock stole every idea I ever had! He came into my room and-- Who's been stealing your thoughts? Did you ever read The Old Curiosity Shop? They made that with john Gielgud-- I have powers that-- - Hello, Ralph. - Aah! Uh, hi, Bart.

- No, stop! - No! No! I just saved my baseball bit.

Lazy, eh? Get him, boys! Wake up! Wake up! Wake up! Okay, okay! Breakfast! That's Milhouse. And it sounds like he has big news!

"Ice., cream." What do we want? The gradual phaseout of animal testing over the next three years! When do we want it? Over the next three years! Uh, young lady, why are you protesting today? Because this lab is cruelly testing consumer products on animals.

Dressing room? Uh-oh. Edna, we don't need wedding china. The dishes mother won on Let's Make a Deal are holding up nicely. Seymour, if we register for these dishes, our wedding guests will buy them for us. And I suppose those wedding guests will also pay for dishwashing liquid,

Then I could give the brothers the black power salute. Black power! Black power! Was that Al Roker? His exuberance is perplexing. Of course we have headsets, but you would be mad to stop there.

- I got something for you! - Shut up, the both of youse! Thank you for calling the Parking Violations Bureau. To plead "not guilty," press one now. Thank you. Your plea has been-- Rejected. You will be assessed the full fine plus a small-- Large lateness penalty.

Hey, Mom, can I sleep over at Milhouse's? I thought you were playing catch with Artie. Yeah. But after the ice cream man cut up his credit card, he got a little depressed. Oh, my! Well, Homer, maybe you should take him to Moe's.

What the... Dad, Mr. Burns cut our power! Now, I can't print my paper! These batteries have to power everything in our house! Yo, I'll tell you what I want what I really, really want

The baby can have Bart's crib, and Bart can sleep with us until he's 21. Won't that warp him? My Cousin Frank did it. You don't have a Cousin Frank. He became Francine back in '76. Then he joined that cult. I think his name is Mother Shabubu now.

till you've heard him through five speakers. Aw, phoo. Tramp. B-6. You sunk my Scrabbleship. This game makes no sense.

Kids today We're gonna teach all you rug rats a lesson. Oh, yeah? What can you old people do to us? Yeah, you old fogeys! Buzz off, you old--

Take it easy, Homer. I learned how to make other drinks at bartender's school. Gin and... tonic? Do they mix? Hey, I know a good drink. Really hits the spot. I invented it myself.

Huh. Uh. Mm-hmm!

Oh, geez, I'm sorry. Sorry. You won't regret this. I hope this is okay. It's not very prison-y. It's more than I deserve, ma'am. Now, which way is Mecca? 'Cause I gotta do a little prayin'.

Man, I don't know why I bought this stupid tape. Hey, Simpson. Race ya. First one to the front of the bus gets Martin's lunch money. What? Go apple! Go orange! Go banana!

There's no ring on that finger. Uh-oh! Oh, why did I take it off? Oh, right. To see if I could skip it across Lake Michigan. I'm here to return the gift you brought to our wedding. Ah! Yes. An Incredible Hulk melonballer. (ROARING)

Wow. I never seen you have so many lunch beers before, Homer. Oh, I... concur. Word-a-day Calendar. I'm just trying to work up the courage to ask Burns for a raise.

You're our foreman, Maude. She's still bossing you around from beyond the grave? Can they do that? No, I don't mind, but my greenback stack's gettin' kind of slack.

Hey! Down in front! Nein!

Yes, Doctor. It's what we've always feared: it's loose. Hugo is loose! See ya soon.

I've come to spend some time with my favorite father. Baloney! You came here to put me in a home. You're already in a home. Oh, how could you? Abraham Simpson. Cornelius Talmadge.

Like my loafers Former gophers It was that or skin my chauffeurs But a greyhound-fur tuxedo would be best So let's prepare these dogs Kill two for matching clogs

Well, well, what have we here? Inspector, you've caught the villain! But what are you doing in an opium den? It's the only way I can get Ralphie to go to sleep. I can make opi-ohs! Well, Dr. Bartley, another mystery well solved.

Oh, I guess they'll never know

Even though the Leader himself is completely nonviolent-- he urges you to be as violent as you like in capturing the Simpsons. What are you doing? They're not here, you idiots! Idiots? That's slander, sir, and we have it on tape. All right. I'll get out my checkbook.

Pet shop, eh? Well, I just have one question. What kind of pet shop is filled with rambunctious yahoos and hot jazz music at 1:00 a.m.? Um-- Oh. The best damn pet shop in town!

We need Bart to help fold your father's underpants. Where is he anyway? Bart? Uh, he went to play with a friend. He didn't go to Nelson's, did he? No, no. I'm pretty sure he's with Milhouse. Milhouse! What?

Forty-five bucks? This better be the best-tastin' beer in the world. You got lucky.

Aw, you worry too much.

Well, if 70° days in the middle of winter are the price of car pollution, you'll forgive me if I keep my old Pontiac. Y'ello. Hello. This is the Repo Depot. I'm just calling to distract you while we repossess your plow. Oh, yeah? How dumb do you think I-- Oh.

He said, "I'm busy." I said, "Friday?" He said, "Friday's worse." Then he said, "How about Saturday?" I said, "Fine." True story.

Canyonero CAnyonero Well, it goes reAl Slow with the hammer down it's the Country-pride truck endorsed by A clown canyonero Hyah! CAnyonero Hey, hey! The Federal Highway Commission...

I lost my bar. I lost his bar. He robbed the school of music! He robbed the school of financial security! He robbed the school of Tito! He can't remember my name! He's causing us all to yell! Look what he did to my best friend. What? No, my dog.

Uh, Francine? I think we got off to a bad start. So-- Hey! You like Malibu Stacy too. Oh, yeah. And you like the same one I like, with the grad student glamour pack, just like the one in my...

- Please return us to-- - Dinnertime. Get a load of that spread ! Here you go. Take all you want, but eat all you take. Well, thank you very much, Mr.-- To pronounce it correctly, - I would have to pull out your tongue. - Eew.

Oh, you want me to stamp your hand so you can get back in? Don't you dare! Bye, everybody! What a rip-off!

Implied, Lisa? Or implode?

Check it out, girls. Sixty-eight squares of ankle-busting fury. That's right. A double dog-leg, hamstring-knotting, hop-way to hell. LISA: What insane kangaroo dreamed this fevered nightmare? Behold!

just eat the damn oranges!

Relax, big guy. He's just doing this for his art. Right, Homer? Oh, yeah, art. Why won't you be art? Here he is. This is where the magic happens. Wonderful news, Homer.

Whoa! Bonanza! - Let's load it up before the rats regroup. - Right. Now, remember, don't mention this to anyone-- not to your mother, not Rex Banner, not anyone!

(MARGE GASPS IN SURPRISE) Now we own you! But I haven't endorsed it yet! Football injury. (LAUGHS) Now why don't you just sign the check? Here, use my pen. Forget it. (ROARS)

The cat dances better than I do. We'll catch that mall rat. Sure hope this acme Kit works. Gosh, that cheese looks good. Think I could grab it before that anvil hits? I don't know, Chief. It's a million to one. I like those odds.

Yeah! I'm not racing! It's me, Marge Simpson. No. You eat my dust! Hoo-hoo!

I am not cleaning that. Mmm, who am I kidding?

Let go! Let go! I'm all naked and wet! Get up, Homer. It's time for church. I don't wanna go. It's church. You have to go. Too cold out.

Mmm ! Great lunches, eh, Lis ? Oh, Bart, don't you see ? This is what psychologists call overcompensation. Mom is wracked with guilt because her marriage is failing. Hey, don't rock the boat, man. Whatever it is, we're making out like bandits. Bart, I read about what happens to kids...

Very nice. Did you do the wiring yourself? Heck, no. The Amish did it. Who knows more about electricity than the Amish? Watch your step! Don't panic! By going down the ladder, you're agreeing not to sue!

Oh, how can I be down a thousand bucks? Get away from my store, you young hoodlums! And what if we don't, pops? He's got a broom! Let's get outta here! Forget the pennies! Go! Go!

What the hell was that? Calling home planet. This is Ensign Kang reporting a cigar-shaped object moving at tremendous speed. Sure, Kang, I'm writing it all down.

No. It's a smooth motion. You follow through with your racket. Uh-oh.

Oh. Hi, Lisa. Did you have a nice summer? Don't you hate that we have to go back to stupid school tomorrow? I like school. Me too! We have so much in common. You have a pen glued to your cowlick. If you don't like it, it's gone!

Yeah, in the '70s, westerns were out and detective shows were in. It seems like all I did was shoot hippies. They wrote me out of the show, and it became Room 222. So that's how you ended your career?

his chocolate milk dreams cut short by kidnapping fiends. Mrs. Simpson, is the pain so unbearable you wish your son had never been born?

Worst prayer yet.

But now look at me. I gotta ride the bus like a schnook. I gotta live in an apartment like an idiot. I gotta wait in line with nobodies... to buy groceries from a failure! It doesn't matter how you live or what you did wrong. As long as you're on TV, people will respect you.

where the sexy teens were killed a hundred years ago tonight.

Homer, I found this behind the radiator. I really think you should throw it away. Suggestion noted.

as long as you have beer? That's right. Wrong. All beer trucks heading toward Springfield have been diverted. This town will be as dry as a bone. And if the rest of you beer-swilling tube jockeys out there... have a problem with this, talk to Homer Simpson.

Time for bed. Sing me my bedtime song, Mom. Ooey, gooey rich and chewy inside golden, flaky tender, cakey outside Mm. Wrap the inside in the outside - is it good Darn tootin'! Doin' the big fig newton Here's the tricky part.

My "H" has been stolen! Oh! That's how people knoW it's a Honda! What's the point of having a Honda if you can't show it off? Sir, if you'll just stop yelling at me, I'm sure I can find a replacement.

JJ And now... one of OvMittCon’s Faces to Watch 2003... rookie spokesmodel Marge Simpson!

Oh, I see. Yeah. That makes sense. With wealthy Hollywood people on the way, local merchants can be forgiven for raising their prices a little.

Yay! Whoo-hoo! We're the baddest punks in our age bracket.

Say, I couldn't help but overhear. I represent the Arizona Cardinals. Keep walking. Good decision there, Homer. You showed a lot of poise. Yeah. Maybe you oughta be mayor of New Springfield. Mayor, eh? The Mayor.

And now, the time has come... to cross this line into mystery and danger-- to step out of childhood and become men.

And here's country singing sensation Lurleen Lumpkin, fresh from her latest stay at the Betty Ford Clinic! What ya been up to, Lurleen? I spent last night in a ditch. How about that, folks?

Please throw the dice now. Please. Now. Don't rush me! I have arthritis. Will the gentleman please roll the dice? All right, all right, smart guy. Oh, for crying out loud, I dropped one. Oh! Now it's in my shoe! Ow! Ow! Ooh! Ow! Ooh! Ow! Ooh!

Who keeps saying that?

Do as I command you. I am Rudy Giuliani. Do as I command you. It says, "Yes on 232." We want no on 232! Yes on 242!

It's important I get ahold of him. I have to tell him I don't care about his money and I love him ! We get that a lot. He left this morning with the senior casino junket. Casino ? Come on, everybody !

She married me because she loved me. And I still do. Marge, I never wanna be apart from you again. - Well, youll never have to. - Mwah! That is the best kiss I’ve had tonight. Or was it? Homie, what are you thinking? - Manly thoughts. - Mwah!

Where are they now? And we'll visit a nudist camp... for animals. But, first, a look at the local holiday that was called... distasteful and puerile by a panel of hillbillies, "whacking Day." Oh, no, no! In a tradition that dates back to...

Chugalug, chugalug, chugalug. Chugalug, chugalug, chugalug, chugalug, chugalug.

Diamond Joe's gotta go. Mr. Mayor, will you answer one question? Only if it's submitted in writing. Checkmate. Marge? Marge Simpson? Chloe! Hi!

And why is a cafeteria worker posing as a nurse? I get two paychecks this way. D'oh.

Then I bought a Rembrandt-- Homer is the most dangerous artist on the Springfield scene. now let's see what surprises he has For us tonight.

Oh, no. Patented Skinner burgers. Old family recipe. For steamed hams. Yes. Yes. And you call them steamed hams despite the fact that they are obviously grilled. Ye-- You know, the-- One thing I should--

Ah, you are so full of it! God's grace, that is. It's really sickening... there aren't more people like you. Now get out... your pen and we'll make it official. Oh, bless you, sir!

(GASPS) Homer! Win your own T-shirt! (GROANS) HOMER: Gotta win a T-shirt. Gotta win a T-shirt. Okay, get ready to laugh.

Well, Lisa, I finished my rÉsume.

All right. Let me start off by telling you... this will not be a walk in the park. This will be the most arduous and backbreaking weekend of your life.

Where's Fallout Boy? Fallout Boy! Uh-oh.

just like Oscar the Grouch.

Great game, Lise. Great game, Bart. Tie game? What the hell? This is outrageous!

Oh, Lisa! There's a little present for you lying in the driveway! Oh, boy! Really?

Milhouse, do you see what's on Channel 6? Uh, yeah. It's really something. A registered nurse trained in the treatment of terror...

sittin' in my car outside your house 'meMber when you spilled coke all over your blouse t-shirts, cutoffS and A pair of thongs t-shirts, cutoffs and A pair of thongs

Face it, Lise, you're too puny to-- Lisa, unhand your brother. Yeah, like that really hurt. Mom, was catching that guy the most incredibly exciting thing you've ever done?

Congratulations. D'oh! Poor guy. Perhaps this pamphlet will prove helpful. "So You've Ruined Your Life." Mmm. Son, you've got to marry that girl.

But that doesn't bother me. You see, my sisters and I... have been doing a little investigating, and it looks to us like Krusty was framed. Framed ? Well, the videotape showed... that the thief used the microwave oven at the Kwik-E-Mart. But Krusty couldn't go near the thing, not with his pacemaker. Well, you know, Bart. As much as I love Krusty,

Take it. It fell on the floor.

Marge! Over here!

Oh, my God. What happened to your fingers? Boating accident.

I haven't felt this energized since my last... boweling.

he got all our stuff. Including the tree. We were robbed? Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh.

D'oh! All right. Dare. Okay. Why don't you-- Hello. I'd like to speak with a Mr. Snotball, first name "YOura."

Look, they have Lincoln's hat. Thank God for grave robbers. Oh, America's greatest citizen... summed up in one piece of clothing. Fonzie's jacket!

Get out here, Son! There's a-doin's a-transpirin'! Let's shut the gate and seal them in! Gun it, Flanders! It won't start. Something's draining the battery. Sorry.

Amen. Okay, kid, there's the water. Knock yourself out. Come on, Dad. Let's go bodysurfing or boogie boarding.

Ohh! Mmm. She's not plain. She's beautiful. There is just one dance that will beat them: the tango de la muerte.

Principal Skinner, one of my fellow children is vandalizing school property. Oh ? Where ?

Couch? No couches either? Oh, man, I need a beer. Oh, God, oh, God, oh, God, oh, God! Oh, God, oh, God, oh, God, oh, God!

All right, Dad! You rule intensive care!

Yeah. I think I just logged onto my Internet.

I feel so European. Huh. Mine keeps disappearing. Oh, well. Oh, I hope they're goin' somewhere good. Okay, boy, let's strut our stuff.

Yeah, the acoustics. That's what it was. I mean, "Me so sorry." Yeah, I was great. Did you get a load of "Corpsey" the Clown? That guy cheapens our whole profession. What do you think of him, Internet Comic?

Turn it down! We don't want to wake up Mom and Dad!

In another few hours I'll be dead. I can't afford to lose your trust again. Oh.

I've been everywhere, man I've been everywhere Travel, I've done my share, man I've been everywhere I've been to Springfield, Shelbyville, Ogdenville Cap City, Ogdenberg, Shelbytown, Spring City Capfield, West Springfield, Paris, Rome And Shelbyville adjacent... Sing it, baby! Whoo! That's a lot of places.

Championship? Hmm. Whoo! 'Topes rule! Well, here's a die-hard fan.

Core meltdown in 10 seconds. Nine, eight-- Meltdown averted. Good boy!

If Bart does something wrong, you should punish him. Well, we try. But he has this way of making us think we've punished him, when actually we've completely caved in. He's the boy you love to hate. Well, you've got to start being firm with him. I believe, with persistent discipline, even the poorest student can end up becoming, oh, say,

Gee, this makes me wonder why morale here is so low. I am the angel of death. The time of purification is at hand.

I'm sorry-- Oh, well, let's just say I'm sorry for the whole marriage up to this point. You're right. I am lucky to have him. But, please, Marge, don't drive into that chasm! Chasm?

Lisa made me with a witch's spell! It's called Wicca, and it's empowering! Wicca's a Hollywood fad! That's Kabbalah, jerk! (GRUNTING)

Hello? Yes? Oh.

I'm Krusty the Clown, and I don't like you. I'm Krusty the Clown, and I'm going to kill you. Didn't even pull the string that time. I said I'm going to kill you. You, Homer Simpson. Oh, yeah? With what? Aah!

This is all your fault!

Look at the size of that gator. Is he a man-eater? Only convicts and hoboes. Do you have any hobo chunks we can throw to him? Afraid not. Now years ago, Captain jack helped build Palm Corners by dragging sticks and stones from the swamps. Legend has it he designed the town flag. Say hello, Captain jack.

Excuse me. Have you seen an old man with a lot of money ? He looks like me, but he's wrinkled. Hello. Have you seen a-- Dad ! No ! Twenty black. Holy Moly, you're winning ! All mine, all mine. Beat it ! You're crampin' my style ! You gotta quit while you're ahead. You gotta take your money and leave now !

Uh, one more thi-- One-- I should get a glass of water.

Hey, open up! I've been standing here all morning! Hey, Homer. What are you doing at work? The plant's closed for fumigation. Uh-oh.

Oh, I never heard of those people. And they'll all be signing autographs! Whoo-hoo! This match will determine once and for all... which nation is the greatest on Earth-- Mexico or Portugal! Can we go, Dad? Please, Dad? Please, Dad? Can we go?

I didn't lie. I was writing fiction with my mouth. Just tell me how much of this is true! Well, there is a place called Nantucket. I knew it! (SOBBING) And what about the romance between you and Cyrus? It was only my imagination. Well, I'll make sure you never imagine anything again! (DOOR SLAMMING)

Doctor, he's gone. Oh! This is the part of the job I hate. You're a veterinarian? That's right. And for an extra $20, I'll give Homer a tick bath and then spay him. Here you go, Doc. Bart! Shop around. You can't beat that price.

Hey, I'm just hanging.

She got it open. You see how quickly your baby could have been drinking this "Similac Baby Formula"? No! Oh. This is such an eye-opener. I always pictured the kids dying in the living room.

And we're not stopping there, because at Eastern Airlines world conquest is part of our master plan. Now enjoy the soothing music of the Turtles.

Yes! Nobody messes with the mayor when Homer Simpson's on-- Oh, crap. - Oh, Fat Tony. - What? What did I do?

Cool. A dead hobo. Mornin', folks. What are you gonna do to us? Now, don't worry. I'm not a stabbin' hobo. I'm a singin' hobo.

Then down. Then back up again. That's how the game is played. I cant count how many times your father's done something crazy like this. ts 300, Mom. - I could’ve sworn it was 302. - Shh.

If honest and open is what you like, get a load of this. I'm not really in any French class. This was just a brilliant scheme to get to know you better. Hmm. Ow ! You knew the city forensics finals are tomorrow, and you kept me here until 1:00 a.m. pretending to be stupid !

Uh... oh... Hey, sorry. I thought you were a deer. Oh, that's okay. Happens all the time.

Ow! You are such an immature- - Punch buggy white. - Ow! Stop fighting! He started it. - He did Punch Buggy first. - What’s Punch Buggy? When you see a Volkswagen Bug, you punch somebody and yell the color. Punch buggy blue. - Ow! - Punch buggy green.

Uhh... the devil with his fly open. Right. A spill on the floor with bugs going after it. Good. The boy!

Hear that? The percolations are imminent. No need to come in. Cease your ingress.

Gross! We're in love, Snake. Don't say that, baby. I'm gonna win you back if I have to pistol-whip this guy all night. Pistol-whip? Ooh! Mmm. Mmm. Pistol Whip.

I had nowhere to go. So I came here because Marge is the closest thing I've ever had to true love. We had one date! And you were not a gentleman! (GRUMBLES) ARTIE: Oh. Don't worry. If you let me stay, I'll be on my best behavior. Not even a fresh remark, except this one.

Uh, 'cause of him, I lost my room, my things... and my buddy's collection of old sunbathing magazines. You bastard! I lost my bar. I lost his bar. He robbed the school of music! He robbed the school of financial security! He robbed the school of Tito! He can't remember my name!

Sounds like that gopher I caught in me lawn mower.

Somebody done "stolded" my wheels. Thanks a lot! Now I gotta walk to Shelbyville.

Crud. He's down there. Crud! Do you find something comical about my appearance...

I don't know how to tell you this, but... I came down a little early, and, uh, well, uh, I saw a burglar and he was-- he took-- he got all our stuff.

I might get stung by a bumbled bee!

Spin-off! Is there any word more thrilling to the human soul? Hi, I'm Troy McClure. You may remember me from such TV spin-offs as Son of Sanford and Son and After Mannix. I'm here at the Museum of TV and Television... with a real treat for Simpsons fans, if any,

My heart is just f-- Homie, what is it? just workin' the turkey through. There it goes! Hey, Lise, there was a big train wreck last night. Do you wanna see the victims? Hmm, okay. Yaah!

You want me to hang out with Ralph Wiggum? Not hang out. Playdate! Stop saying that! Now, why don't you show off your new friend around the neighborhood? You two make an adorable pair. Someone will be right with you. Mom, school has changed a lot since you were a kid. Popularity is very important now. But-- Don't talk. Listen.

we will be forever grateful... and recommend you to all our friends. So, if you could find it in your infinite wisdom to-- Wait! Listen, everybody. The hurricane's over. He fell for it! Way to go, Marge!

That riot has far-reaching consequences. Kabul refuses to be our sister city anymore. I have no sister city!

That's your outlaw? I wasn't really gonna kill ya. I was just gonna cut ya.

Ooh! Here are some upbeat titles. Hero. Fearless. Alive! No thanks to the plane, many of us are still alive. We certainly are. Pass me another hunk of copilot.

Yeah, but what about Johnny Mathis versus Diet Pepsi? Oh, I cannot listen to this again! Guys,

And, they will be holding auditions to find a local youngster... to play Fallout Boy. Oh, and the air conditioner will be fixed this afternoon. Look behind you, Radioactive Man!

No, I do. Your baby is dead. That's what you'd hear if your baby fell victim... to the thousands of death traps lurking in the average American home. "Springfield Baby-Proofing"? You-- You really scared us. Sorry about that. But the truth is,

Bah, humbug. Oh, Mr. Burns, I think you'll find...

Come on. Snowball! You don't understand. She loves to climb in here. I believe you! I don't care!

Well, circle gets the square. TV sure has come a long way, huh, Milhouse? (MILHOUSE LAUGHING) Check it out! I'm riding some guy named Ironside! Ow, my banana! Danger, danger. Door ajar. The indignity.

Hey, Dad. What's the word from planet Crackpot? Oh, I suppose you're going to mock me too. Well, actually, Dad, I believe you. You do? Yes, I do. You seem so damn sure.

Sleep, gentle hippies. Sleep. Let old Homer jay set things right. It's the time of the season

We've got to do better as a family. So Tonight, we're not going to shovel food in our mouths while we stare at the TV. We're going to eat at the dining room table like a normal family. Happy, Dad ? Yes. Good. Commence shoveling.

Yeah, I bought your mutt, and I ate him! I 'ate his little face, I 'ate his guts, and I 'ate the way he's always barking!

What advantages does this motorcar have... over, say, a train? Which I could also afford. Well, you'll notice how the heated gas pedal warms your feet while-- Gently massages your buttocks.

This better be good. Game over. Please deposit 40 quarters. What a rip! Thank God it's Friday.

"Your son has been kidnapped." I can't believe someone would kidnap my Larry. I won't rest until he's returned to me. Not to be impertinent, sir,

Ooh, a challenge! Whee! Whee! Wait a minute. This isn't on the list. It's been on my list for a long time. Not bad, eh?

Go, Dad, go! How doth the hero, strong and brave, a celestial path in the heavens pave. Go, Dad, go. Sir, the TV ratings for the launch are the highest in 10 years. - And how's the spacecraft doing? - I don't know.

Ah, you won't regret it, my good man. What with the passing, and the dribbling, and my shoes made of the flubber! And away I go! It's frightening. Ow, that was painful. Oh, the flubber is burning my feet! Now before we begin,

We want you to produce this year's Super Bowl Half-time Show. Wow. At last, my pathetic little life has a meaning. (CHUCKLES) You suckers, I would've done it for free. Fine. Do it for free. Damn it. Well, I'll still do it. (CHUCKLES) Suckers. I would've paid you. Fine. Pay us.

What's going on? Homer, don't talk with your mouth full. I've told you before, it's rude. Oh, ho. Trouble in paradise. Hey, Marge. It's that guy who couldn't get any off ya.

Oh, Smithers, I was wrong to play God. Life is precious, not a thing to be toyed with. Take out that brain and flush it down the toilet. His family might appreciate it... if you returned the brain to his body. Come on. It's 11:45!

Hey, what's all that commotion outside? Why, it's one of those pretzel wagons the movie stars are always talking about. Here? At our plant?

Where are we going, Mr. Simpson? I'll tell you where we're not going. Jail! Then you better turn. Uh-oh! Aaah! He's jumping out of the car, Kent! He's trying to climb over the fence! Now he's realizing he's too fat.

Damn it. I would've been perfect as Rachel's Irish cousin. So you're all doin' each other, are ya?

I, too, owe many thanks to Lester and Eliza. This is a great vindication for anybody who was ever taking a bath, went to get the paper, fell down and had the door slam behind them and the doorknob break off. And I'd like to thank Lester for reuniting me with my estranged wife.

Look, Mom, I finished my patch. It depicts the two greatest musical influences in my life.

Homer. What ? - Truckasaurus ! - Where ? Where ?

Bart, I got it! I ran here as fast as I... Bart, that creepy kid is here.

Well, look at the wonders of the computer age now. Wonders, Lisa? Or blunders? I think that was implied by what I said.

Uh-huh. Oh, son, I love you too. Hey, how about a hug ? Dad ! Papa ! Sonny boy ! junior ! My old man.

Well, that's the end of me.

Hey, great job, Homer. Thanks a lot, Homer.

Don't worry. I've got an ace up my sleeve.

Let's do something together. What does everyone say to some miniature golf, followed by a round of frosty chocolate milkshakes ? All right ! I was going to wash my hair. And I'm studying for the math fair. If I win, I'll bring home a brand-new protractor. Too bad we don't live on a farm. Let's go, boy.

Don't shoot. just take the money and get out. What? Oh, Apu, I would never-- Or would I? I've already gone this far. I wonder what my life would be like if I robbed the Kwik-E-Mart.

And for you, Ned? I'll have a Shirley-- No, a virgin-- No, make it a children's-- Oh, what the heck. You only live once. Give me a white wine spritzer. Spritzer--

Bart! Oh, my God! Lisa! She's been crushed. And so have the hopes of our Mathletics team. Hold the funeral, poindexter. Poindexter?

Halfback passes to center! Back to wing! Back to center! Center holds it! Holds it! Holds it! I can't bear this any longer. I'm leaving!

I don't see Skinner anywhere. He's probably in costume. He could be any of these people. They're all too old to be dressed up like super-people. Homer, let's just hurry up and go home so I can yell at you.

Homer Simpson! Oh, my God! How'd you do it, Homer? I discovered a meal between breakfast and brunch. And now the award for most improved odor-- - Homer Simpson. - Yes!

I am Death. Death? We don't want any.

Piece of cake, son. Crap! Crap! Crap! Crap! Crap! Crap! Crap! Crap! Crap! Crap!

Dad? Dad? Dad! Yes, Lisa? Dad, as you know, we've been swimming, and we've developed a taste for it. We both agree that getting our own pool is the only way to go. Now, before you respond, you must understand that your refusal...

You've got to catch them! Think of the children. Won't somebody please think of the children! All right, all right. Here you go, boy. Get the scent. That's a shame. He had one day left till retirement.

Mom! Dad! Don't turn on the light! Don't turn on the light!

Yeah, but what made the rain stop? I dunno. Buddha? Hey, they've suffered enough. Keep that popcorn chicken coming, Colonel. Mmm! Mmm!

What is it, boy? Fire? Earthquake? Hippies?

Dad, make Bart wash his hand. Sorry, Lise. I no longer control the hand. The hand controls me! Dad!

to drop the green flag-- our beloved mayor, Diamond joe Quimby. To everyone participating today, I salute your vigor. Check out the rack on the blond in the fourth row. Go! Go! Go! Go!

Shut up, Updike!

which is, that it's wrong to imprison an animal. Lisa, go to your room. We appreciate you coming down, but, look, kid. The thing is, uh-- we don't have an elephant. Come on, kid, just take the money, huh? Otherwise, we might get fired. You don't want us to get fired, do you?

Moe, have you ever felt unattractive? Mmm, no. How about you, Barney? Not for a second. Yeah. I need help. Whee! Whee!

Kids, will you come in here? You've got a wonderful family, Homer. Please don't forget it when you walk out that door tonight. Uh, I gotta go. As much as I hate that man right now, you got to love that suit.

You'd better run, egg. Why don't people like me, Marge?

That guy's hilarious.

(CHUCKLING) It's shot day! (ALL SHRIEKING) Welcome to Hell...man Avenue Medical Plaza.

You can't do this to me. I'm Charles Montgomery Burns !

I liked it when it was me, Mom and Homer. You wrecked everything. I'm leaving. Good-bye. Bart. What did you say? Bart? Sufferin' succotash! - You can talk! - Goo.

Help, Bart! Come on! This is not funny, Bart! - I mean it, right now! - Stop it! Let us out right now!

Ay, caramba! Hey you can't smoke in the pit area. Fine. Hey, Simpson where's your losermobile? Losermobile. Wait a minute. Uh, it's over there, Nelson.

Wait for it, wait for it. Wait for it. Wait for it, wait for it. Ha-ha! Life goes on.

Apu, I'd like you to drop the charges against my wife. No offense, but we're putting that bitch on ice.

Let me clean up this mess I made. Hey, hey! Hey, that really burns there! Oh, stop it. You're worse than Faye Dunaway.

Oh, this stuff is gold. Happy marriage, here I come. Hmm. This'll really help with my speed dating. I got 400 nos.

Oh, you two. We're eating genetically modified vegetables. Look how big they are. This corn doesn't look so big. That's baby corn. What? American corporations should stop playing God with nature. There's nothing to be afraid of.

I'm sorry, Mrs. Simpson but you can't copyright a drink. Ohh! This goes back to the '78 Frank Wallbanger case. How about that? I looked something up. These books don't just make the office look good. They're filled with useful legal tidbits. Stupid Moe.

You have the ability to shock them and they have the ability to shock-- just testing-- Whoa! Bart, how could you shock your little sister? My finger slipped-- Ahh! So did mine-- Bart, Lisa, stop that!

Oh, this is the worst party ever. I don't know. Remember that New Year's Eve at Lenny's? He didn't even have a clock.

Homer, my audition is in half-- Hey, look, it's last year's winner, Debra jo Smallwood! Tonight, my reign as Miss American Girl comes to an end. And I'd like to apologize one last time... for my unfortunate remarks at the United Nations.

Five-time rushing leader, two-time MVP, and star of a Disney Channel movie.

Actually, I'm a little chilly. Can I have another straitjacket?

This isn't bad. Isn't bad? Tell me one thing mankind's ever done that's any better. The Renaissance. This is better.

(SIGHING) I guess he's not coming. It was years before I could trust a boy again. (SOBBING) That's horrible. How could you, Dad? Because he's the kind who kisses and leaves you!

I reckon it could use a coat of paint. Well, what are we waitin' for? GonNA paint our wagon gonna paint it good

Sorry, we're all full.

and certain scenes never get aired. So, fire up your VCR, because here, for the first time ever, are the cutout classics.

Why was I cursed with this weakness for snack treats ? Well, from now on, exercise every morning, Homer.

Bart! Lisa! Time for church! Milhouse, time for church! Shlomo, time for your violin lesson!

Oh, no! The old witch has Bart! We've got to hurry!

We're too late. He's dead. It looks like someone tried to eat him. What are you looking at me for? You're all crazy. Crazy as a-- Okay. Here's what I think happened.

D'oh! (GROWLING) (ROARING) Oh, my God! I'm gonna be killed by a bear!

Dollar sign bag-- check. Power bar-- check. All right! Let's rob this... bowling alley? Okay. Whatever. All right! Totally st-- Gloria? Snake? I thought you were in prison.

Wow, Wolfie. Two months ago I didn't know what the word dumbbell meant. - This place is great. - Mm-hmm. Hello, handsome. Nice muscles.

You a winner! Ha-ha-ha! You a winner! Ha-ha-ha! You a winner! Ha-ha-ha!

It's pure. Pull the plug, boys.

Does the word "jet lag" mean anything to you people? Jet... Lag?

would pay off so quickly ? You know, sir, accidents decreased by exactly the number... that Simpson himself is known or suspected to have caused last month, and our output level was just as high as during Simpson's last vacation. My dear, tired old Smithers. Do I detect a note of jealousy ?

So she was made of chimps. Man, magic can do anything! What happened to Mom? I'm right here! No! No! Get off of me! Folks, this is not part of the act. Please help her.

That's enough, Gloria ! Thank you, Gloria.

It's... good to see you all in church. Please, be seated, Homer. Yeah, sit down, Homer.

which will put more green in the blue. The blue being my pants. I'm sorry, Homer, but I'm gonna have to leave you hanging there. KRUSTY: If I may say a word? Why, we're joined live now by Krusty the Clown. Krusty? I want to clear up a misconception about the Whatchamacarcass Sandwich.

(SHOUTING GIBBERISH) Look, you don't want to get involved with a girl like me. My cats have a nasty habit of waking up dead. Now go. Cough me out of your life like a bad fur ball.

Never! Never! Never! Never! Never! Never! Good morning, sir. To make up for my failure last night, I've alphabetized your breakfast. You can start with the waffles and work your way up to the zwieback.

Of course. A little roughhousing with the pets is good for a man's appetite. The latest polls are in. The statesmanlike way you handled the pet incident... has put you over the top. You're ahead 51 to 49. Congratulations, Mr. Governor.

Oh, look at you two. You look so "coupley." Yes, well, we're a perfect match. Her sneer just lights up my day. And we're always finishing each other's insults. And they called it Puppy love

Homer, are you all right? I guess so. But that first month was pretty rough. You've only been gone two days. Really? Without TV it's hard to know... when one day begins and the other ends. I miss you, Dad. Mom won't let me read HÄgar the Horrible. I just don't think it's funny. Hmm. I can see the house is falling apart without me, so here's the new order. Bart, you're the man of the house.

Why don't you go wake him? What the--

George, it's time to get dressed. Nuh-uh. Not going outside today, not with those neighbors. Staying right here till my speech to the Elks Club. Yoo-hoo! Who is it? It's your sons, George Bush Jr. and jeb Bush.

Andy Williams! We don't need to stop here. Yes, we do!

Well, what about in the sentence "Jim Nabors is way cool”? Well, how often is that gonna come up? ts on my apron. Yeah. I got work to do. Hey, lookee. ts that young’un what sorts them squiggles into words. Can you spell "scabies'"?

Celebrate the independence of your nation by blowing up a small part of it.

Look at me! I'm the prime minister of Ireland!

although it is tempting. Drop that doughnut. Let's go, pinky. You don't understand. My son just threw his red hat in with the white laundry. Spare me the tiresome antics of the Simpson family. Take him away. His body cavity search revealed nothing.

Chicken breast, rump roast, hot dogs. No, I can't! I can't eat any of them! Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute. Lisa, honey, are you saying you're never going to eat any animal again? - What about bacon? - No. - Ham? - No. Pork chops? Dad! Those all come from the same animal!

Ow! Ow! Ow! Ooh! Ow! Ow! Hey, have you ever noticed that the Crossing the Desert... is a lot like The Unblinking Eye? And it's exactly like "The Wreck of the Hesperus." And now, the final ordeal-- "The Paddling of the Swollen Ass-- With Paddles." Ow! Ow! Ow! Aah! Ow! Oh! Oh!

Oh, no. There's that angry mob again. Hey, look who's here, everybody. Oh, hi!

Our budget is stretched tighter than Mother's sauna pants. Seymour! Quit using me in analogies. Yes, Mother. Principal Skinner, I will not call off this strike until you bring back music and art! What about gym? Meh. (CHANTING) Hey, hey, Seymour S. Nurture our well-roundedness! Sneeze, puke, burp, fart,

Huh ? Maggie ! Oh, my little girl. Nice grizzlies. Nice grizzlies.

How many times can you laugh at that cat getting hit by the moon? - It's a new episode. - Not exactly. They pieced it together from old shows, and it seems new to the trusting eyes of impressionable youth. Really? Ren and Stimpy do it all the time. Yes, they do, and when was the last time...

Wow! A Bob Mackie!

Oh, I'm gonna lose my job just 'cause I'm dangerously unqualified! Mr. Simpson, there is a way. We could, well, use a computer to change your grade. Computers can do that? Oh, yes. The only problem is the moral dilemma it raises, which requires--

we need lots of Indians to shoot. I-- I don't know which part of that sentence to correct first. But I cannot come. I work 22 hours a day, and then I go home to a wife who will not touch me. The Indian rope trick has become the Indian "nope" trick. Hi-yo!

Since it has nothing to do with boxes, I'll just shut these blinds. Oh, man. Now, here's my office. If you'll direct your eyes to the floor, you'll see a yellow line. Follow it. It will lead you around my desk and back out the door.

Get the camera ready. Bart very sleepy. Listen carefully and my words will shape images as clear as any TV show. It was a tumultuous time for our nation. The clear-beverage craze gave us all a reason to live.

Arr, I now pronounce ya man and cow. Please accept these illegal fireworks with my blessing. Yarr! There are no laws! We can do anything we want!

- Principal Skinner? - Up yours, children. Now, to recap our top story in its entirety. "The adaptable citizens of Springfield have opened their hearts... to Principal Seymour Skinner, who"--

For the answer to this, we went straight to the source. Get outta my office! Of course, what Matt meant to say, according to his attorneys, is that he couldn't possibly do it alone,

Seltzer is for drinking, not for spraying. Pie is for noshing, not for throwing. But, Papa... But nothing! You'll do as I say or you'll get such a zetz that you won't even know what hit you. Dad wanted me to follow in his footsteps but the pull of clowning was too strong.

Paper bag or triple Mylar? Uh, no, thanks. I'll just eat it here. Oh! No! What are you doing? Good, fair, poor!

Oh, God! It's spreading! Happy New-- Wha-- Oh, no. It's happening. Uh-oh.

Ned, my friend, please know that the Kwik-E-Mart is there for you... 24 hours a day. Oh, thank you, Apu. And I'm going to give you all of Maude's frequent Squishy points. The boys at headquarters will not like it, but I'm getting pretty sick of them and their Bombay attitude!

Homer, the Lord only asks for an hour a week. In that case, he should've made the week an hour longer. Lousy God. And the very same goes for Ezekiel, which brings us back to our starting point, "the Nine Tenets of Constancy."

Tell me, how do you feel about 45-year-old virgins who still live with their parents? Comb the Sweet Tarts out of your beard and you're on. Don't try to change me, baby.

How I wonder what you are Thank you. I can't believe I used to date him. Lise, you're a shoo-in. Hush little baby don't say a word

Ha, ha, ha ! Oh. Aah !

And with 500 yards to go, the runners from Australia and Djibouti are neck and neck. Two weary warriors now burning with pain and exhaustion. But only one will win the grand prize: a walking tour of Springfield.

Yale will always be first in gentlemanly club life. Why, every friend I have, I made right here. Hello, Burnsie. It's your old roomy, Dink. Steady. Steady.

I'll take two dogs, two sodas... and, uh, two ice cream bars. What the hell happened to my dogs? I want answers.

This is a dive. You're a long way from home, yuppie boy. I'll start a tab. Maggie, if you come down, I'll give you some more coffee. Lots more coffee! Are you getting ready for bed, Bart? I am!

Well, keep it up then. Okay, I will. Good. You do that. Fine. You'll be picking many a bean. Hope I do. I don't believe it! Principal Skinner! Well, well, well. I never thought I'd win this easy.

From now on, it's honesty all the way. You were carjacked in the church parking lot? Absolutely. We had stopped in for a quick prayer when-- Bart, would you call him a crazy man? Definitely. Well, crazy about carjacking. What did he look like? Uh, mmm, let's see.

Strong-dar, Master of Akom, the wedding episode. Action Figure Man, the "How to Buy Action Figure Man" episode. Please, Mommy. I want it. Hmm.

I'll just take that. Everyone, turn around and look at this. What is it? A Unitarian?

Except... I killed Mr. Burns! What happened, Dad? I punched Burns right in his 104-year-old face. Are you sure he's dead? Maybe you just really, really hurt him.

Dear Life in These United States,

Stupid fingers. You're wrong! You're wrong! You don't need long fingers to play the blues. The blues come from in here. My God, they are stubby.

Hey, Red Hot Chili Peppers, would you guys like to appear on a Krusty the Clown special? Sure, if you can get us out of this gig. No problemo.

Stop! We may have to live on this food for a long time. So no more till tomorrow. But I'm hungry now. Yeah. Me too. Yeah.

then when his back is turned, wham ! Well, it is not gonna happen, see. You're going crazy, Bart. I'm tellin' your mom. Martin, tell him what we do with squealers. I don't know. Is it worse than what you do with people that have to go to the bathroom ? You can't stop me ! The hell I can't !

Stick to the subject. Uh-huh, you love me. Let's be realistic.

The japanese Mafia? They'll kill ya five times before ya hit the ground.

Oh, knock it off, you perverts. Now they did say bed and breakfast, right? Oh, isn't it romantic? Doilies and cozies as far as the eye can see. If there's anything more exquisite... than Queen Anne's lace, I haven't found it.

Hey, somebody screwed up bad. You've got all these big comics lined up for your show, but there's no Krusty. Who? Krusty the Clown. Funniest man alive, prince of pies, the sultan of seltzer? Excuse me, sir. Do you like to laugh?

(SCATTING) (YELPING) I'm happy. (PEOPLE CHEERING) (LAUGHING CRAZILY)

Tijuana! South of the border down mexico way

Okay, just for that, your room is next to the kiddy pool. All right, Mr. Smarty-Head-Exploder? So, if you need further assistance, just call the front desk and ask for Andre, okay? (CLEARS THROAT) Oh, uh, sorry, I'd tip you, but I don't have any cash.

Never have I heard such gratuitous use of the word "butt"! But-- But-- But-- But-- But-- But--

Hmm. Hmm. Mmm! Mm-hmm.

Which we're so not. Well, can you blame me? Every day it's the same old routine. I serve you drinks. You yak on and on and on. And I never get one stinkin' tip. Maybe we'd tip you if you'd smile once in a while. Well, what do you call this?

Hey, Homer, where you going? Going for...

Now, where are my chili boots? Ah! Okay. We'll go to the Chili Cook-Off.

I will just leave this money on the table... with my unseeing back to the money on the table. Apu, no. Hmm! That's better.

Hey, Homer! Isn't this your sister-in-law on a date with Troy McClure? Troy McClure. He's a washed-up movie star. He could be dating washed-up supermodels. Oh, I don't know. Maybe those rumors about his fish fetish weren't true after all. This changes everything. I'd pay to see him in a movie now.

It's just like the seasons. Sounds good. You want to eat my fat? I think you know the answer to that. This book has all the classic cons. There's the Pigeon Drop, the Ear Wigger, the Brillstein grab-- Do they have any father-and-son grifts?

Sandra, that was mean.

Wait a minute. Those are yours, sir? Yes. I am in flavor country.

No. Of course not.

I'll save Homer! All I needs is four stout men to work the bellows. No, Pops. It's too risky. For all we know, there could be cubes in there the size of gorillas and other large--

One time, I swung all the way around. You did not. Well, I know a guy who did. Who? You don't know him. He lives in Russia.

The gremlin's takin' off the wheel! Stop the bus or we're all gonna die! Aaah! Take me bridle and lash his hands to the seat!

These are the calling cards of a con artist. Woo-hoo! I'm so glad to have my mom back. I never realized how much I missed her. She's nice. But?

Yes. You're in deep "d'oh" now. Perfect as always, sir. Right on the green.

but I like your pixie drink. My head. The remorse of the sugar junkie.

Hi, Larry. I'm sorry. It's just that on the school bus--

Gosh, Bart. Maybe you really are in pain. Well, it would be cruel not to let you go. Now you may go.

What else is on?

Will I see you again tomorrow? Absolutely. Or my name isn't... Whatever I told you it was. MARGE: So we arranged to meet again at Second Date Rock. (HUMMING)

Yeah, not no more it ain't.

No, please! I'll do anything. Anything? Well, that's a start. Agent johnson, F.B.I. I'm very happy to meet you. From now on, you're gonna work for us. Okay, but could you pay me under the table? I got a little tax problem.

Now look what you've done. All right, all right. You guys have had way too much booze. Last call. Come on, come on. Gimme an excuse. Pro Player Stadium. Super Bowl.

I thought I knew all the players in Springfield. Where have you been hiding yourself? Well, I spend a lot of time on the couch. Tell me about it. Haven't we all?

Hmm ! I've been wanting to tell you off for years, but I never had the nerve.

the beta male attempts to reclaim leadership of his herd. Oh, that's good narration. That's not a hood ornament. ts a pacifier you spray-painted silver. Hmm! Haw, haw!

just so there's no hard feelings, here's double your pay. - No, no, triple. - Thank you. - Mr. Sampson, can I give you a bit of advice ? - Sure.

Okay, guys. We push him out of the way in exactly three seconds. Should we correct for wind resistance? Hmm, possibly. What do you think?

since I did invite the author, Helen Fielding. Oh, never mind. As long as they all bought the book, I'll still get the money. Besides, most Americans cant understand the sophisticated subtlety of British humor. I bid you good day.

I leave my grandfather clock and these words: Don't die lonely like me. Raise a family, and do it now. Now! Now! Now! Hey, a grandfather clock. Not bad.

That was beautiful. What's it called ? Oh, it's a little tune that I call... the "I Never Had an Italian Suit Blues."

Take that, Washington! Eat lead, Einstein. - Oy! - Show's over, Shakespeare! Is this the end of zombie Shakespeare?

The world's smartest man! What are you doing here?

What do you mean? I created the universe, stupid kids. Forgive my brother. We believe you. Talk is cheap. Perhaps a test of thy faith. Walk through the wall. I will remove it for you... ...Later. What do you want? I got a job for thee.

Okay. Whatever takes my mind off my life. Talk to the hand the face ain't listening Hey, look what I found! Grampa's old radio. Oh, wouldn't it be grand to gather round and have a listen? Well, turn something on. I'm startin' to think!

Get out of my town! Listen, darlin', we're just as much a part of Springfield... as the church, the library or the crazy house. - So I think I'll stay right here, neighbor. - Is that so?

Yeah, he's your boyfriend. Yeah ! Come on, guys. Knock it off. Beat it, Simpson. Man, I thought you were cool. Beat it, Simpson.

Whee, I'm Dick Tracy! Bam! Take that, Prune Face! Now I'm Prune Face! Take that, Dick Tracy! Now I'm Prune Tracy! Take that, Dick-- Ned, stop it at once!

He's gaining on us! I'm scared! Come on, Ned! Move this thing!

Only me, Carmen Electra. I knew it! And I'm some actor they hired. Frame Up is Fox's latest hit, right after No Pants Island and Fart Date. This whole thing was a joke? Oh, I've never been so relieved.

Fellas, I'm starting my own private police force. Will you join me? Well, who would my partner be? How about Lenny? Him? No way! Him? No way! You'll do as I say, or I'll have your badges! Once I make and give you your badges.

Yeah. General Sherman. They say he's 500 pounds of bottom-dwelling fury, don't you know. No one knows how old he is, but if you ask me, and most people do, he's a hundred years if he's a day.

Ooh! Short answer-- yes, with an "if." Long answer-- no, with a "but."

What are you spraying me with? Rum-- so no one will believe your story! And don't come back.

Good grief. This candy's terrible! Circus peanuts, raisins, nicotine gum, a library card? You got all the good stuff. And yet I'm still not satisfied. (GRUNTS IN FRUSTRATION) You thieving hussy!

You can let me go, but I'll just keep exposing myself at the mall. What a character. Cool! A lie detector! Lisa is a dork. Lisa is a dork. Dad, make him stop!

Oh, for-- Lookit. There's more over here. Look at this. She's hidden diamonds everywhere. Even on the soles of her shoes. Yep. She's one of the 10 richest chimp researchers in the world. Look at me! I'm a scientist.

That means half your paycheck goes to Bart. What the- Half goes to Bart, half goes to my Vegas wife. What’s left for Moe? Homer, dont make things worse. I'll show you worse! l was told this would be televised!

Wildflowers! We don't have you in Springfield.

Agreed. Ah, the interstate. Fasten your seat belts, kids. We're on our way to Itchy and Scratchy Land. D'oh! Don't worry. I've got an ace up my sleeve.

Sam, he's got a point. Katharine Hepburn never showed her breasts. There's still time. I want a rewrite- with no nudity.

You don't want that. Why don't you try Moe's Hobo Chicken Chili. I start with the best part-- the neck. And then I add secret hobo spices.

I don't know, Gravey. I'm sick of your lack of faith. Hmm? But, Gravey--

I don't think I can survive here, Lise. That's how they want you to feel. But if you just hang in there, they'll eventually accept you.

Poison, poison, tasty fish. Concentrate, concentrate. I want fugu ! Aaah !

Hey, everybody, vote for my dad-- Homer Simpson. If you don't, he'll beat us. Why, you little-- No one's gonna beat you, Son. You're gonna get such a beating.

And I ain't talking about stamp collecting. Though, I do find that extremely interesting. Oh, yeah? Well, that makes two of us. You know, boys, there is an old saying down on the bayou that, uh-- Whee!

Oh! Why did I have to stop at the railroad tracks? Better get Some change.

Why all the black? Why all the pearls? Why all the hair? Why anything? You look a little nervous, Dad. No, you look a little nervous, Lisa. You're up to something aren't you? No! I'm just going out to commit certain deeds. Suckers.

You removed it from its original packaging! No! It's no longer a collectible! Oh! Oh! What a nerd. Lucite hardening.

Come here. Get-- Uh. Come on. Fit, you-- Huh? Ahh! Yeah!

Lisa! Mom, where'd you get that car? I stole it from McBain after I cut off your father's thumb.

Now return to your work and tell no one of what transpired here. Anybody home ?

Oh, my God! The P.T.A. has disbanded!

Hurry, Smithers. Halloween is upon us. Put up the decoration. No, no. That won't scare anybody.

This is you and me. Yeah.

All I needed was the love of a good woman. And since you're not interested... I'm not! Merely checking. Because I'm into that. I'll visit you in two weeks.

Get outta my office! Of course, what Matt meant to say,

when the hall of records was mysteriously blown away. What is it, boy? Fire? Earthquake? Hippies? Hurricane! Somehow the animals are always the first to know. And the weather service has warned us to brace ourselves for the onslaught... of Hurricane Barbara.

Sammy, you're too old to go on a date with two twins... on the same night you're supposed to marry Diane without Rebecca knowin'.

Sure. Unless another aunt dies. Selma, your date's over already?

So what do we do with our friend here? Uh, throw him in the Dumpster? No, no, no. I really want to give the lovable scamp a good home. D'oh! Tough luck, Simpson. Come on, Nessie. One more pull.

Gentlemen, get off your knees. Your rich Uncle Homer is throwing the wildest box social... the high seas have ever seen! And you're invited. Yeah! All right!

I can ensure an honest winter's work out of those lowlifes. Sir, did you ever stop to think that maybe it was doing this... that caused the previous caretakers to go insane and murder their families? Hmm. Perhaps. Tell you what. We come back and everyone's slaughtered, I owe you a Coke.

Mister Motherloving, that could be interpreted as a threat. I'll kill you while you sleep. Objection. Mmm, I'll allow it. Now, Count Fudgeula, how long were you spokes-vampire... for Motherloving's breakfast cereals? Twenty of your mortal years. But I had to quit when my fangs succumbed to gingivitis.

Lick it. Lick it. No!

Feng shui? I thought that was just a trick to sell crappy end tables to the West. Just put this hook in his nostril and pull. (SCREAMING)

Never to see you any-- Never gonna see you any I'm gonna nail that cop right between the eyes. Never to return again Right after this song is over. Good-bye my Coney Island babe

Hi, everybody. Now, tell Dr. Nick where is the trouble. I'm edgy. I got ants in my pants. I'm discombobulated! Get me a calmative!

Well, well, the bitch is back. Oh! Oh, geez! Darn it! Why won't you die?

Now this first thing is just gonna look like a used Band-Aid, and it is, but the rest of the stuff don't make no sense without it, so, uh, you know, bear with me. Wow, Moe. You've been doing a lot of sleuthing. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. I sleuthed my ass off on this one. Okay. This is a number 6 from somebody's address...

You certainly gave that boy the heebie-jeebies.

Papa, is that you?

(TIRES SCREECHING) D'oh! (SCREAMS) (BRAKES SCREECHING)

Hmm. These campaign buttons are all partisan. Don't you have any neutral ones? "May the better man win"-- "Let's have a good, clean election"-- that sort of thing?

- You know, I really think-- - Thank you.

I only need one volunteer, Ralph. Miss Hoover, which one is "one"? Ralph and I could do the report together. It's your funeral. Miss Hoover. Bart, why are you doing that? Our class is making refreshments for Skinner's party.

Huh? He's hideous! We have to do something. Marge, it'll cost $8,500. We only have 500 in the bank, and that leaves... eighty-hundred we need.

Oh, son! Taking your tombstone back to the store will be the happiest thing I've ever done. BART: Ay, caramba! Chief, we're sorry we didn't have faith in you. And I'm sorry I wrote those letters to the editor calling for your ouster.

He aint been to work for a week. - Yeah, whets he doing now? Hey, is he a rodeo clown? - Is he Poochie again? He's working on a jigsaw puzzle. Oh. I guess he's done with all the fun stuff. Now, let's see. This is either an old coconut or Tom Hayden. Gee, Homer, that's super.

Aha! Not even Xena is a match for... the limited edition double-edged lightsaber... from Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace. You removed it from its original packaging! No!

So that's how Jenda dumped me. Son, sometimes people just grow apart, like me and your mom. No, Mom dumped you 'cause you blew all our money on this underwater house. She'll realize she was a fool when... Hey! Come back with my patio furniture!

But you can't stop at one. You wanna drink another woman.

No way ! You can't give my dog away ! I'll set fire to my hair ! I'll rip up all my clothes ! I'll put sugar in the gas tank ! Bart ! I've suffered as much as anyone at the paws of this dog. But when I look into his vacant brown eyes, I just can't bear to let him go. I'm sure Mom agrees with me.

Hey, now You're an all-star Wow. I'm actually passing as a college student. And they don't have a Blue's Clue.

The Simpsons (TIRES SCREECHING) D'oh! (EXCLAIMING) (TIRES SCREECHING)

and drove Milhouse, Nelson and Martin to a wig outlet in Knoxville, and the car got crushed, and they're out of money and they can't get home, and Bart's working as a courier and just came back from Hong Kong. Yes. That's a real pickle. Would you excuse me for a moment?

If you want to make fun of my legendary love of cashews-- you have at it. Uh-huh. All right. Uh, how many times a day do you go to the can? Oh, about 40, I suppose. When are we going on the air? We're on the air now, Skeletor. What? Question two: How long is your wiener? Seriously. Great heavens! What kind of Radiola show is this?

Do you really think Homer could be a killer? I just can't believe a man we sat and drank with all these years... could do such a horrible thing. We've all got that voice in our heads telling us to kill. You just have to drown it out. I've been working on the railroad all the livelong day Yeah, that's better.

That's why we're always careful to show the consequences of deadly mayhem, so that we may educate as well as horrify. When do you show the consequences? On TV, that mouse pulled out that cat's lungs and played them like a bagpipe. But in the next scene, the cat was breathing comfortably. Just like in real life. Hey, look over there!

Will the gambit pay off? 20th Century Fox is betting... it will.

Welcome to the real world, hippies! Wow. What a long, strange product rollout it's been. Good-bye! Hmm? Man, you got the last Ribwich. I'll give you anything for it.

I'll stick with just plain white bread, thank you very much, maybe with a-- Glass of water on the side for dippin'. Gosh darn it.

That's kind of a downer. They're good pretzels, Mom. But you gotta think big. Find a major public event, and set up shop there. Here you go. Free Pretzel Wagon pretzels for everyone.

Police suspect the involvement of William "Fat Tony" Williams. Fat Tony is a cancer on this fair city. He is the cancer, and I am the-- Uh, what cures cancer?

Oh, my God! I've gone back in time! I've got to warn everybody about Hitler! And get to the ice-cream store! Hey, Homer, what's all the hubbub? Let me guess. You travel back in time again? Shut up! You haven't even been born yet! Easy, Homer. I'll bring you back. Safety dance Ohh!

Gee, I got to call my family. This is embarrassing calling from a nuthouse. They think I'm a god. I could call for you. Oh, great. Tell them this is one of those places where rich women lose weight.

- Hubba hubba. Oh, you kid. - Thank you, dear. Now, be good for Grampa while we're at the parent/teacher meeting. We'll bring back dinner. What are we gonna have? Well, that depends on what the teachers say. If you've been good, pizza. If you've been bad, uh, let's see-- poison. What if one of us has been good and one of us has been bad?

Of course I'm not mad. If something's hard to do, then it's not worth doing. You just stick that guitar in the closet next to your shortwave radio your karate outfit, and your unicycle and we'll go inside and watch TV. What's on? It doesn't matter.

Krusty ! Oh, no !

Tomorrow we'll be Mr. and Mrs. Bob Terwilliger. Isn't it grand? Hey, Bob, give some of that honey this way. Mmm... mmm! Holy frijoles! We've got ten minutes till MacGyver.

Excellent. Sorry about the landing, boys. This fog is so thick, i can't see my own cataracts.

Homer, that's... Oh! Step aside. I'll deliver this baby. Why don't you let me handle it. Oh, a college boy, eh? Homer, let him deliver the baby! Homey, isn't he beautiful?

All right. That was a malpractice waiver, fool! (CHUCKLING) Ha-ha!

It's a door! Use it! That's a door?

Well, first up is the State of Florida versus the Simpson family. Your Honor, I'd like to represent myself. Drunken hicks of the jury--

It's not like that, Warden. We was just havin' a conversation. - Ain't that right? - Mm-hmm. Next up's a real lowlife. Bob Dylan wrote a song to keep him in prison. Say hello to Jack Crowley. Yee-haw! Go, bull! Toss his salad!

Oh, boy, here it comes, another mouth. One more push should do it. Marvelous. Congratulations, Mr. Simpson, you have a beautiful, healthy baby. Okay.

(GRUNTING) Oh, man, is this gonna hurt. Ah! That's better. (CHUCKLES) Ooh!

All systems returning to normal. Danger in 7-G neutralized. Have a nice day.

I'm me? Hey, don't jerk me around, fella. Pass the chutney. Apu, you've been so helpful. If it weren't for him, we'd still be in line at the Monstromart. And he taught me how to play the shehnai.

Now get back to the pharmacy, you quack ! Oh, with that feisty attitude, you'll bury us all, Grampa Simpson. Uh, pull your chair closer, my son. - What is it, Dad ? - Pee-yew ! Not that close !

Hey, Looney Tunes, this is what Michael jackson looks like. You look like a big, fat mental patient. I often hear that.

(ALL MOANING) Ah, this is heaven.

But wait. If you saved Selma, why did the room explode? Oh, I'll field that one. Me and the boys were celebrating A Job well done... When I threw my match in the vicinity of the crime scene. Oh, right, the gas.

Whoa! Sign's floating away, Chief. Executive, legislative and, uh, judicial.

Huh? Whoa! Whoa!

Oh, yeah? When's the last time you freaked out the establishment? You guys are total sell-outs! Wait! Don't you work for a nuclear power plant? Look. We can sit here all day and play the blame game, or we can start freaking people out! Come on! Where's your freak bus?

(LAUGHING WEAKLY)

- I'll get you a couple of mops. - Mops? The cure sounds worse than the disease. At Sunday school, they said the lepers were cured by some bearded dude.

Look. You can drug me all you want, but my family won't rest until they find my drug-bloated corpse! I wouldn't count on that, Number Five.

Anything! As long as I can give the money to my son. Excellent! I represent Viagrogaine, the topical rub for bald, impotent men.

your beat is junkyville and Bumtown.

Barney will be Twelve Ball, and, Moe, you can be Cue Ball. You're an idiot.

Boring! That didn't explain anything. All I know is they stole my face and used it for their stupid logo. - There's no other explanation. - Wait! Look!

"Liability waiver"? Don't read it. Just sign it.

All right, here's the deal.

I don't think adults have ever actually sat down and watched them before. Aaah ! Aah ! What kind of warped human being would find that funny ?

Oh, Homer. I bet that Southern colonel doesn't even show up. Yeah, he's probably just a big blowhard like you. Sir, that is an insult! I challenge you-- What? Oh, honey, I had the worst nightmare.

Here's Springfield as it appears from space.

you know you're gonna be betrayed and humiliated. Quiet! The commercial's on! If we don't watch these, it's like we're stealing TV. Do you love that sweet smell of Farmer Billy's bacon? Do I ever? Would you like to see how a pig goes from loving life to your fork and knife? Would I?

I just don't think it's funny. Hmm. I can see the house is falling apart without me, so here's the new order. Bart, you're the man of the house. Mmm! Lisa, I'm promoting you to boy. Maggie's now the brainy girl. Toaster can fill in for Maggie. And, Marge, you're a consultant. Dad? Yes, boy?

You guys never use any of this stuff. Look at these. You bought them after the Nagano Olympics and never skied once. If you would just stop being so impulsive, maybe-- Hey, let's go skiing right now! Yeah, Dad, let's go! Whoo-hoo! Now, now, now! Yeah, Dad! No!

Now let's forget our troubles with a big bowl of strawberry ice cream. Now let's forget our troubles with a big bowl of strawberry ice cream!

by eating the leftovers of the various film crews that plague the continent. Hmm!

She'll have no reason to play the blues in this snappy ensemble, topped off with a saucy French beret... that seems to scream "silence." All right. Pick your size: extra small or extra large.

All right, I have an answer. You must perform for her one completely unselfish gesture. You mean, like give her full custody of the kids? Yeah, full custody. That's exactly what I-- - You're an idiot. - Oh! You gotta knock her off her feet with something utterly romantic, something that says, "I care about you."

Uncle Mayor was just saying that us kids are the most important natural resource we have. More important than coal? Uh, eh, uh, yes.

Fellow 939'ers, I say we break off and form our own city! Yes! We're with you, Homer! Come on! Let's go! Viva la revolución! Now who's stupid?

Ah, the cursed one! How's that curse I cursed you with, "cursed-y"? Hmm? I know you don't remember me, but here's a little revenge...

Wait a minute. Those are southwestern ingredients! Mango lime salsa?

I'm in tantrum position. T-minus 5, 4, 3-- Remembering dead cat for real tears, and-- Fine, you win. I'll do your shopping for you.

I've got two tickets to paradise

Wait a minute. Is this the biggest steak you've got? Seventy-two ounces? I thought this was supposed to be a steak house, not a little girlie, underpantsie, pink-doily, tea-party place. Well, there is one steak that's only available by special request. We call it "Sirloin-a-Lot." It's the size of a boogie board.

And ties? You bet!

Send it this way, boy. - Whoops! - Aww. Aw, nothing gets chocolate out. See? Now for my favorite part of the show. What does that say? "Talk to the audience." Oh, God. This is always death. All right.

Oh, no. No pal of mine is gonna stay... in some dingy flophouse. Ah. If you get hungry in the middle of the night, there's an open beer in the fridge. Look, Barney. See the row of tiny lights up there ? The middle one is my house.

Oh, boo yourself. Here we are, kids. The Watergate.

This guy is the chief. He's been here since 1968. Never says a word. Hey, Chief. Hello.

Whee! Whee! Oh, for the love of God! Somebody get the jaws of life!

Well, sir, it has been an uneventful week in Badger Falls, where the women are robust, the men are pink-cheeked, and the children are pink-cheeked and robust.

You know, a tennis court can really make your house look classy. I hear Mel Brooks has one. I mean Sir Mel Brooks. And it's bad news for the gophers. And it's gonna do wonders for our social life. Yeah! It'd be nice to entertain friends and have people over.

Whoa-ho! Texas snowball fight! Ow! Bart, that has nuts in it. Hey, I thought your mother told you to take a bath.

Oh, that stings, eh. Ooh, God! Ow! Ooh!

Oh, my god! Look at the-- Ooh! Erotic cakes.

- Let's see some I.D. - Here you go, doll face. - Hmm. Okay, Homer. just relax. - Ow ! At the risk of losing my voice, let me just say one more thing: I'm sorry I came. When is that boy going to apologize ? He sure is stubborn. Homer was never stubborn.

Two big sexy circles for eyes. One macho muzzle. And a snappy new outfit. Ooh. I'm looking good. Ooh. Cuffs, yeah. And for some reason, my hair and ear form an "M" and a "G."

Oh, a cash settlement. I could have figured that out, you buttoned-down maggot! You have cream? Yes. Where are my manners? Yeah, I used to be rich. I owned Mickey Mouse massage parlors. Then those Disney sleazeballs shut me down.

Wha-- Ohh! - Where do you think you're going, missy? - Dad!

Welcome to Springfield Elementary Casino Night. My fee for this evening goes to victims of my criminal recidivism. So relax, have fun and please God don't piss me off.

And now the parade has entered Bumtown! Oh, it's all just so exciting, Dave! Certainly seems to be a poorly planned parade route. Uh-oh.

Never. But it's my number-one concern. Well, with the OmniGog system, those worries are a thing of the past. I'm all right, folks, thanks to my OmniGogs. A little late for Lenny.

Maude? Rod? Todd?

Ha, ha! Now that everyone's so open about being fat, I can finally stop sucking in my gut.

Okay, watch this. Watch.

Wooo! Now, Marge, you can't say I never take you anywhere. (GRUMBLING)

Look it up. Would never have-- "Evasion." "Evasion." I don't say "evasion," I say "avoisiOn." Would never have come to light if not... for a crafty little boy named Bart Simpson. Krusty's my hero. How could I do this to him? It is a tragedy for all us kids, but Bart, you can't beat yourself up.

Oh! Whoa! Too hot. Mmm, hmm. Oh. Too cold. Well, this doesn't take a genius. Mmm. We're in the three bears' house!

Let me out! I'm innocent! I changed my mind! I don't want to be in here anymore! Forget it, Simpson. You're going to the chair. The interrogation chair. Plug it in, boys.

- When do we want it ? - Now ! Hmm. I'm so funny. Fight and bite and bite Fight, fight, fight Bite, bite, bite You know, some of these stories are pretty good. The itchy & Scratchy Show I never knew mice lived such interesting lives.

just read the label. It's a king-sized flamer! Bart, will you go bother someone else? Look! A fire... engine. Stop that! Help! Help! Fire... helmets. Can't you do something constructive? Sure, I can do something destructive.

No offense, but you were born a man, weren't you? You can tell me. I'm open-minded. I won't be needing this.

I brought your homework. We have to read this. "The Wind in the Willows"? It's about a toad and a badger and a mole. I drawed on mine. Is this my house? No. You live in a different house. Choo, choo, choo, choo! Woo-wooo!

Oh! Dear God, no!

Be in the game but not of the game. No es bueno. Winners don't use drugs. Ehh! Ehh! Ehh! Ehh! Ehh! Ehh! Ehh! Ehh!

- And we can go back for the kids too. - Hmm. I think I'm gonna like it on this boat. Run for your lives! Monster! Monster!

Your father's out of control. Oh, sure. - When he does something bad, he's my father. - He must've dropped this. "So You've Settled for Branson." We gotta go after them! But how?

And it looks like one of the lights in your sneakers is out. (CLANCY GRUNTS) Come on, Chief. I can't afford to pay protection to you and Nelson. Mmm-hmm. Well, then you're out of business, boy. Let's go, boys. Confiscate his merchandise. Are any of those my size?

"8:00. Happy Days. "The Fonz, Henry Winkler, is worried he's losing his cool."

Stupid heater! Don't make me come in there. Why do you always wait until Christmas Eve to do your shopping? The crowds are just beastly. You know me, Marge. I crave the hustle and bustle.

I don't like this program. Change the channel. ...traffic for hours. Wheel of Fortune!

I'm Bart Simpson. Stop talking like that. Stop it. Lisa, please. You've absolutely no reason to be jealous. You're still a very important part of Bart's show. Bart's show? If everybody knew what a phony Bart was,

At least this time I'm awake for your good-bye. Oh, Homer. Remember, whatever happens, you have a mother, and she's truly proud of you. Oh! Hurry up, man!

The jig is up, Quimby. Oh, God!

Feels like I'm wearin' nothin' at all. Nothin' at all. Nothin' at all. Stupid sexy Flanders!

furrowing their brows in a vain attempt to understand the situation.

Simpson! Where's my dinner? Mamma mia!

Here we are. 15201 Maple Systems Road. Our new home. I call this room.

Where's that secret weapon? Check it out, boys. My magic bat. That's it? Yeah, I got a magic bat too. And I got an enchanted jockstrap. Yeah. Just watch.

What goes up must come down. What about Bob Hope? He's been consistently popular for over 50 years. So has Sinatra. Well, anyway, we were all getting tired of-- Dean Martin still packs 'em in. Ditto Tom jones. Shut up! With your father on the road all the time, I tried to compensate for his absence.

But I can't chop my wife's head off because her father is the King of Spain! Your Majesty, your feelings are valid,

It's like they saw our lives and put it up on screen. Kids, I know you're excited... about meeting Aunt Selma's boyfriend. Before he gets here... I should tell you something about him-- something disturbing. Ooh! Ooh!

You're not on the guest list, Simpson. Orders of prom king Ziff. And have you been drinking? Just for 25 years. Let's go, mister. Share

I'm at the first aid tent where overwhelmed doctors are trying to sort out the owies from the boo-boos. Now I'm told we have the leader of the babies on the line. Tyler, is there a peaceful solution possible? (TYLER COOING) (BEEPING)

I do not miss Bart at all. I am glad he's gone. As am I. B'oh! It's probably my imagination, but something about them didn't seem quite right. Really? Excuse me for just a moment.

What's happening to me? Okay. Retrace your steps. Woke up, fought with Marge, ate Guatemalan insanity peppers. Then I-- Oh. Where am I? Shelbyville?

Twenty-two, 23, 24, 25!

All right. I'll look. Too fluffy, too Siamese, too needy, too stuck up. Infected eye, clearly a skunk. (GASPS) Meow!

So, uh, what are you in for ? I'm a political prisoner. Last time I ever take a stand. Well, I'm here for being me. Every day I show up, act like me, and they slap me in here. Simpson, be quiet. I haven't seen you in school before. Okay, Simpson !

So call me Bookworm But I'll never squirm when there's work to be done Yes, I'll take my lunch at my desk

You lucky son of a... Want to go bowling Sunday? Are you nuts? That's the Super Bowl. How about the Sunday after that? Ma's coming in from Norway but what the hell.

Laziness is counterrevolutionary. Questions are decadent!

Hey, I never noticed this place. Dad, it's right across the street from us. That fancy house will never sell. Nobody who could afford it would want to live in this neighborhood.

I'll be delighted. Great. There's only one thing I ask in return. - Certainly. - Pull my finger! So, this driving on the left makes you feel more at home, huh, Hugh? And tonight, the following celebrities have been arrested. While Heather Locklear-Fortensky remains at large.

You truly are the king of kings. Excellent. Smithers, are they booing me?

Look, I did marry her, but I abandoned her. Amber, tell her how I abandoned you! This is the worst thing you've ever done!

We think it's an overdose of nerve tonic. Good Lord! Gigantism! My baby! My baby! Don't worry, ma'am.

You've ruined Thanksgiving ! I didn't ruin Thanksgiving. She did. Bunch of jerks. I always get blamed for everything. And, Lord, we're especially thankful for nuclear power, the cleanest, safest energy source there is,

Those Shelbyville kids think they're so hot. But you know what? They're not. I really agree with you on this one, Bart. Class, please! If you don't learn Roman numerals, you'll never know... the dates certain motion pictures were copyrighted. Everybody, come quick! Something's happened! No time to explain!

D'Oh! I..! Oh, the hell with this! A fellow came in asking for change for a dollar. I gave him three quarters by mistake. Took me the whole afternoon to find him. Todd, would you like mixed vegetables? Hell no. What did you say? I don't want any damn vegetables.

I've had The halftime of my life And I owe it all to S.U. An overdue tribute to halftime itself. And as those lumbering ships of the gridiron sail off into our memories, the players return to the field.

Mother doesn't approve of me dating. So, I need you to keep her busy for a few hours... while Edna and I sneak out. Oh, I can't take much more of this!

Whoa, cool! Twice the pet and none of the mess. You can be Lisa's.

A rabbi composes, he creates thoughts he tells stories that may never have happened but he does not exaggerate. My father would have never suspected a thing were it not for one, rowdy rabbi. Hey, funny man! No, no, no!

If Proposition 24 passes, I shall be forced to leave this country.

Oh, nuts! I don't know. Omelets have a lot of fat in them. Forget it. You're married. Let yourself go. They're running away. Bright light city gonna set my soul gonna set my soul on fire Aah!

Sweetie, if we didn't turn it down for the cops, what chance do you have? He hit her again!

Hey. Take that. Take this.

(GROANS) And Maggie gets a shirt, too. (SCOFFS)

Oh, what's to tell? I was at the orphanage till I was 18. Then I got my job at the souvenir stand. Oh, and once I saw a blimp.

Now, that's "Moe" like it! So bring the whole family-- mom, dad, kids. Uh, no old people. They're not covered by our insurance.

Five! Four! Three! Two! Don't open your mouth. One! Wait a minute! You didn't learn how World War ii ended.

you don't have to read my mind to know what I have in mind Honey, you oughta know "Loser.

We can go anywhere we want. I'm cold and frightened. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. I'm afraid classes may be canceled today.

Share with us the wisdom of the street, O mighty Alcatraaaz. There are times in life, when the truth ain't black nor white, but a subtler shade of gray, yo. And when the path for justice is obscured by the fog of uncertainty, there is only one solution.

we ask you to watch over little Timmy O'Toole trapped in that well.

We have major corporations sponsoring this event. I hope you know you're sponsoring a celebration for a murderous pirate. A pirate? Well, that's hardly the image we want for Long john Silver's. Well, I see no way of settling this.

The itchy anD scratchy show

I-- I wanna do the Christmas shopping this year. Uh, sure, okay.

Captain's log. Stardate 6051. Had trouble sleeping last night. My hiatal hernia is acting up. The ship is drafty and damp. I complain, but nobody listens. Star Trek XII: So Very Tired. See the original cast in their latest, greatest adventure.

You just lie down and tell me all about it. Well, I know it's absurd, but I dreamed the bogeyman was after me, and he's hiding-- Bogeyman! You nail the windows shut. I'll get the gun. Bart, I don't want to alarm you, but there may be a bogeyman or bogeymen in the house.

Look, Maggie. Birdies. Oh, Homer, what are we going to do ?

Teamwork! Come on, Bart!

Way to go, Dad! Take those punches. Man, that tramp's got the energy of a hobo. Yeah, he never stops punching, except to check out his bindle. He's not fallin' down at all.

People! People! It's time we all discussed the pool safety rules. jump, Bart! Jump! jump, Bart! Jump! - You got it! - Hey, Bart! Your epidermis is showing! It is? Oh.

Homer, I'll bet when you were 10, you were stealing beers, kissing girls, and tipping dinosaurs. Your father's first kiss was in high school, with me. Actually, Marge, there was someone before you. (GASPING)

I wouldn't ask, except I'm desperate. Oh, sure. Last resort, old Grampa, the feeb. The guy who can't be counted on for nothing nohow, dagnab it. Everyone's against me. I'll do it. Marge, just putting a few last things in the trunk.

I'm whizzin' with the door open, and I love it. Why, oh, why Delilah It's 11 K-BBL degrees below zero. I hope you're someplace warm. You bet your sweet...

- Privately ? - Yes. Stay here. I'll be right back. - Ah, Homer Simpson, at last we meet. - Same here.

Gelman, roll the clip!

Simpson, eh? Excellent. Dad, do you notice anything strange? Yeah, his hairdo looks so queer. - I heard that! - It was the boy!

Why? It's not like anything interesting happened to anyone else today.

Okay. Well, she's into Buddhism, whistle-blowing, totally against pollution, no matter what I say. Liberal wacko, eh? Any young beaux? Well, that loser Milhouse has always had a thing for her. Don't you love it when nerds don't know they're nerds? Yes.

And the United Federation of Theme Park Zombies. Zombie eat brains but zombie cannot swallow this injustice.

Hello, Simpsons. Artie Ziff! None other! I've been hiding in your attic living off the moisture I can suck from the rafters!

Shut up, Becky! There, I finally said it. Drop the cone, sugar!

girl, I don't know i don't know why can't get enough of your love, babe some things I can't get used to No matter how I try

They say any publicity is good publicity. You, sir, are an idiot. Aw, that's your answer to everything! Look at my life. I'm talking to a monkey and a-- I don't know what the hell you are. You can be so cruel when you're sober.

No, it's not, you hump.

Our next award is sponsored by Heinrich's Bratwurst. "Papa, can we have a Heinrich's Bratwurst?" For outstanding composer age 10 and under, the winner is... Please let me win. ...Mozart. (CHEERING)

Everyone sucks but me. Oh, yeah. Cheer for Tom. Give all your love to Tom. (LAUGHS) I'm the worst thing to happen to sports since Fox.

They do what now? Now's our chance. Let's go! I'm gonna follow him. Oh, no. Bart has stolen the elderly. Forgot my hat.

Okay, Dad, ready for our first con? You bet. Let's trim the mark. Nice use of the lingo, Homer. 10-4, kemosabe. Ohh. I love you too.

It's "craptacular." Hocus-pocus. Mucous "pukeous." My powers of deduction tell me...

- Ha, hal - Shut up. Whoa. This is even better than our screen saver. And I love our screen saver. Nicely done, Lisa.

An open letter to the people of Springfield. Today, our town lost what remained of its fragile civility, drowned in a sea of low fat pudding. Look, I got runner-up prize. You won second place? No, but I got it. Stealing is wrong. "Free boudoir photography."

And unless you change, I'll have to tell them their father is, well, wicked. Kids, let me tell you about another so-called "wicked" guy. He had long hair and some wild ideas, and he didn't always do what other people thought was right. And that man's name Was--

Oh. Hi, Lisa. Did you have a nice summer? Don't you hate that we have to go back to stupid school tomorrow? I like school. Me too! We have so much in common.

Well, I might as well use this pucker for something.

Well, Lenny's reign of terror is over. Mr. Burns bought the plant back this morning. And-- Enough chitchat. I need to see Lisa. I don't want to talk to you, Mr. Burns. Oh, I think you will. You see, I've just sold the Li'l Lisa Recycling Plant for $120 million. Congratulations. Oh, don't congratulate me.

Hey, Simpson. I'm feeling a mite peckish. Mind if I chew your ear? Dad, you killed the Zombie Flanders. He was a zombie?

Dr. Smith refuses to do his astro chores. Why, you clattering clank of cogs and-- My dear lady, as you well know, my back is a disaster area. D'oh, the pain! D'oh, the pain of it all! Danger! Danger! My hooks are flailing wildly!

That's jerry. He's a major player down at the sewing store. Well, thanks for introducing me. Ah, don't worry, Homer. You know me. And I'm a superstar at the cracker factory. You're letting me go?

the roots of your unhappiness. Take a deep, cleansing breath. And begin.

Well, you have a gambling problem!

Now my heart is made Cool, man. Of softer stuff Get out of my cage. - My boss will freak out. Oh, no. A pretty girl can't look my way without-- Don't. Don't ! Don't. No. Get out. Get out of here. Get your hands off.

Uh, W, seven, star, pound. Look, Miss... "Boo-Veer." As an actor, I depend on my remarkable looks. If you could find it in your heart to pass me,

What does this tell you, Chief? Well, apparently there's a secret garden in all of us. And that Lisa Simpson is guilty!

Why, you little-- No one's gonna beat you, Son. You're gonna get such a beating. Hey, vote Simpson. Hi. Nice to see you. Hey, thanks for coming out. Putting on weight, huh? - Lenny, my man-- - So, Homer,

Lenny, Carl, can you pull me out? Sorry, we're ghosts now.

Uh, I'm sorry, Mr. Burns,

Yes, Mr. Ford. Well, why don't you come over and watch the game, and we'll have nachos and then some beer? Ooh! jerry, I think you and I are gonna get along just-- D'oh!

Hey, you, get out of my office!

Hello, children. I bring you love. It's a monster! Kill it! Kill it! It's not a monster. It's Mr. Burns. Oh, it's Mr. Burns. Kill it! Kill it! No. No, let me explain.

"Why, you little"- Why, you little- Why, you little- Why, you little- All rise for the verdict. Son, I just want you to know whatever that judge decides...

Hey, how did I get out here? Hurt everyone. Did Ga Ga just say "Hurt everyone"? Ga Ga-- Cute name. The Springfield phone book needs a new cover. It does?

No, wait. It's me! Jamaica. Hey, mon! I call for a joint session. This vote is dreadlocked. San Francisco. Hello there, sailor! I'm here and fabulous!

Core meltdown in 10 seconds.

Hang on, Homie! I'm gonna try to set her down! Thank you. Wow! A lot of people have pools. Honey, my shoulders are separating! Okay, okay, here we go.

She means you should get a job, stupid ! Me ?

Just poke blindly at the controls until they let you go. Oh! Ohh! Oh, no. No! This can't be happening!

Well, I hope you've all learned something from Nelson's "headstrongedness." And from now on-- We want out! We want out! We want out! We want out! Yeesh! It's getting ugly out there. Mmm. Think, Skinner, think. What would Superintendent Chalmers do?

Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. I'm afraid classes may be canceled today. Look!

Bring me a checkbook and a mother mole!

Yes, baby ! Way to go !

Herman, your beef is with me.

There's my 100. Where's my party? (SCOFFS) Nice try, loser! I bet you made up a fake test. Nope. It's real. Check out the watermark. All right.

Look. Krusty invited us to the taping of his last episode. Hello, family. Where have you been, young man? It's nearly bedtime. I was-- I was-- If anyone asks, you were at the flower shop.

I think what my father's saying is you're like a member of the family now. I feel that way too. You see, whether igloo, hut or lean-to... or a geodesic dome, there's no structure I have been to which I'd rather call my home. Hello. Aah! When I first arrived you were all such jerks

Well, Sea Captain... looks like you and l are sailing solo tonight. Arr... you hitting on me? Cause I dont do that. On land.

Oh! Heh! Hey, come back! Hey, I love you!

HOMER: No! That's him. The man who broke a dragon's heart. (CHINESE-STYLE) The man who broke a dragon's heart Homer, if you do this one small favor,

What? This is a travesty! Everyone knows I'm the best actor in this ridiculous school!

Musical instrument? Could that be a way to encourage a gifted child? just give me a sign. Works for me. Uh, what do you like, Lisa?

Okay, nobody move and nobody panic. When I give the word, everyone, ever so slowly, open your door and slide out. On the count of three. One--

Get out. That-That- Okay. Maybe I can catch a late show of Alice in Underpants... or maybe Put Em On the Looking Glass. Boy, I'm like a mess here. I feel so lonely without that kid. You still got us, Moe.

j ... Scratchy Sho W'w'

Goodbye, Ray! Bye! Oh, he turned a corner. Ooh! Now I see him again! (CRASHING) (SCREAMS)

People, we went through something magical together... and it's not important who got rich off of whom...

You don't understand. Mom and Dad take good care of us. That was a baby tooth. It was loose! Don't you worry, little girl. We'll get you some nice county dentures.

It must be wonderful to ring in the New Year... over and over and over. Please kill me.

Burlap sacks! It gets better. They're full of fireworks! Bottle rockets, frog launchers, Weeping Mamas. Tijuana Toilet Crackers! Three, two, one. Gnomes, blow up.

Well, that hurt like hell. My sweet, undigested baby! Mama! Mama!

Spay and neuter your pets! And remember! Save the violence for cartoons! (BOTH SCREAMING)

One thrust and the deed is done. l- I cant do it. Huh? Why not? Well, I guess ll/e- Dear God- grown accustomed to your face.

You gotta let me in your car and drive me-- Take anything you want, man! Take it all!

Go ahead-a, Bart. Take-a the Bonestorm. The store, she's so rich she'll-a never notice. Duh, it's the company's fault for making you want it so much. Don't do it, son. How's that game gonna help your putting?

Let me say I was the first clown to put a woman in sketches-- Miss Bada-Boom-Boom-Boom! She had more acting talent in one boob... than most women have in their entire rack.

Oh, we have lots of names for these people-- bums, deadbeats, losers, scums of the earth. We'd like to sweep these people into the gutter... or, if they're already in the gutter, to some other out-of-the-way place. Oh, we have our reasons-- they're depressing, they wear ragged clothes, they're "crazy," they smell bad--

Simba, on the ball. Aaah!

Well, I also have a song to sing. Don't make up your mind until you hear both songs. Morals and ethics and carnal forbearance-- Uh, sorry.

But I will go in for a closer look. Taxi! To the airport! On closer inspection, these are loafers.

I was supposed to shoot you, but I didn't! I changed the future! What have I done? I've changed the future for the worse.

You know, somebody needs to learn your green ass some responsibility. Yeah! Now hold on, Kang. You can't bully my audience with your fancy ray gun. And now for my final thought.

"Look in the 'tunk.'" He must mean "trunk."

didn't know the fruit punch was spiked... and he really made an ass of himself... putting the moves on the new girl in Valve Maintenance. Does this girl like him ? I have to warn you, Marge, I think the poor young thing has the hots for yours truly. Homer. just keeping you on your toes, babe.

Can we go, Dad? Can we, can we, can we? - Take it, Lise. - Can we? - No, no, no, no, no, no. - Ask your mother. - Yea! Mom, guess what. We're going to Itchy and Scratchy Land. No. I've already planned our vacation.

Aw, old man Burns is gonna kick off... if he doesn't get some double-O-negative blood, but nobody at the plant has it. Bart does. Whoo ! Yes ! All right ! Whoo ! Congratulations, boy ! You've got a date with a needle. Wait a minute. I don't have to give blood. I have rights, you know. Yeah, you have the right to remain silent.

Losers! Losers! Kiss my big Springfield behind, Shelbyville! Whoo! Ha-ha! I am invincible! Invincible! You're-- Ow! Oh! Hey, somebody sign an autograph.

Sometimes. Dude, I need a new cap.

"Torture Land, Explosion Land, "Searing Gas Pain Land, Unnecessary Surgery Land." Oh, look. It's the 12:00 noon robot parade. Hurry up, or we'll have to wait for the 12:05 parade.

You don't have to humiliate me.

We're not prisoners anymore. We're free! We can go anywhere we want. I'm cold and frightened.

Come on, Christmas tree! Okay, who's up for some scrounging?

Hmm. Ooh ! Time's up, Sparrow. We're coming in after you. Oh, gee whiz. Adil would get a kick out of seeing this. - Adil ? - The Sparrow ! Adil. Oh, there you are. Get him !

Stop eating our future! Get the-- Get outta-- Bad animals! Go home! Thank God. There's one left. YOu-- - Look! A flying saucer! - Hmm?

How would you know? Your backhand looks like a rusty gate. Well, you little-- Come on, Bart. Babies. Telegram for Lisa Simpson.

Marge, you got too many hang-ups. Like the whole shaving trip. Come on! I want to see those legs all furry and gross. That ain't gonna happen, bub. Well, at least lose the bra. Free the Springfield two, Marge! Free the Springfield two! I think you've had too much strawberry wine.

Sorry, Dad. Women and children first. What the-- Where the hell are my keys ? Who stole my keys ? Come on. I'm late for work.

Jiminy jillickers, Radioactive Man! We'll have to fight our way out. Are you ready? Yes.

Raise your left hock. Aerate. I want to see more Teddy Roosevelts and less Franklin Roosevelts. Two! Uh, actually, Homer, that's just one. See, each pushup includes both an up part and a down part. D'Oh!

Helen! Agnes! Luann! Edna! Bart! Whoo! We're number one. We're number one. What's going on here? Wh-What? Hey.

the alternative energy research center. Fascinating. - Desalinization plant? - Yes. The grotto uses so much water, the Bunnies felt we should go this way.

Aah! Aah! So, um, who's good at keepin' secrets?

Lisa's bad dancing makes my feet sad. Oh! Let's take five.

Oh, Son, I'm glad to see ya! I went for the morning paper and I got lost! No time for you, old man.

Ah. I love these lazy Saturdays. - It's Wednesday, Homer. - Work!

Spring break! Yeah! Well, when are we gonna get rowdy?

- Wait a minute. That word you keep calling me-- - Ignoramus ? Ignoramus ! It means I'm stupid, doesn't it ? There is a difference between ignorance and stupidity. Not to me there isn't, Homer ! you ignoramus. You're the ignoramus. Homer, would you like to present your rebuttal ? With pleasure. i Ay, caramba !

which I guess...

Come on, boy! Finish him off! You're next, Chester A. Arthur! Unhand me, Yankee. And now, our evening comes to an end-- Whoo-hoo!

Wow. Tell me some more.

Hey, man, watch it. Ooh ! Oh ! Ow !

I don't get it. Why don't people like my art anymore? Homer, I know you worked hard. But all of your things were kind of the same. Hey, Ray j. johnson never changed his act, and he's more popular now than he's ever been. Who? You can call him Ray.

What the hell was that?

What kind of pathetic drunk do you take me for?

Ooh ! Krusty, would you please turn your attention to Exhibit B. Uh-- Tell me what you see. Uh, uh-- Which one do you mean ? The one with the big "B" on it.

Father? Son. Papa! Herschel! Daddy! Boychick! Oh, Daddy! You're on, Krusty. Oh, uh... Boys and girls I'd like to be serious for a moment, if I may. Spotlight, please. I just wanted... I just want...

This better be important. Can the sweet talk, Thelma & Louise. You have a serious mental illness. The technical term is "road rage." I'll see you tomorrow morning at traffic school, speedy. And you got exactly five seconds to get out of my sight.

I'm afraid not, my primitive friend. Your kind has neither the cranial capacity, nor the opposable digits to operate a firearm. The one who shot me was--

Hey, Bart, how many more places do we have to search? Just one, and it's across town. Taxi!

So I notice your home smells of feces. Yes? And not just monkey feces either. Could we talk about something else?

writhing in agony in the pits of hell ! And you were there ! And you and you and you. You, I've never seen before. Hey, yeah, who are you ? I saw you chasing Bart's ambulance. Hutz is the name, Mr. Simpson. Lionel Hutz, attorney-at-law. Here's my card.

The Be Sharps. The Be Sharps. The Be Sharps. The Be Sharps. Why, you can't blame a guy for tryin'.

Okay, we've got cocktail weenies and Swedish meatballS. this wedding is spinning out of control. I've run through eight of the ten dollars... they gave me when I left prison. I told you I got money. I bought stock in a Mace company...

Homer, you are the worst human being I have ever met. Hey, I got off pretty easy. Neddy, uh, wait. Where you goin'?

You're a good father. I learned from the master. Where's Maggie? Where's Maggie? I'm not kiddin'.

Yaah! I really don't see how this helps Bart. just do it. - Busted! - Homer, we have a problem here.

Remember me as a peacemaker. And now to celebrate life.

The stupidest, ugliest, smelliest ape of them all !

Aah! My vision. That's it. Show's over. Good night, Springden. There will be no encores.

All I have to do is follow the yellow drip road. There's our secret meeting place. - Yes. Let's go inside. - Sounds good.

I must have her. Smithers, zoom in. Closer. Closer. Closer, damn it! - Ow! - Too close. - Hello! - Mr. Burns! Oh, no need for alarm.

I never saw a man take to a Turkish prison so quickly.

Ned, I understand if you feel uncomfortable. You're still getting over your wife. Now, wait just a Maude-gone minute here! I'm through livin' in the past, and you can see for yourself. Well, you've certainly got a theme going. All right, I'll take the couch, and you can have my room.

But first, we'll examine the growing Itchy and Scratchy mania... with their new movie premiering today. I got my ticket. I'm here live in Korea... to give you a firsthand look at how American cartoons are made. But first, let's take a look back at the year 1928,

So, how's it going, Grimey? I-i'd appreciate it if you'd stay out of my office, Simpson. I wish I had a nickel for every time I heard that. Take me out to the ball game

How 'bout... Ghost Mutt? The court rules in favor of Mr. Lampwick. Itchy & Scratchy Studios will pay a restitution of $800 billion. Though that amount will probably come down a bit on appeal.

Ow! Oh! Ow! Dad, are you okay? Yeah. In fact, I feel fantastic! That trash can must've unkinked your back! Not trash can, Son-- Dr. Homer's Miracle Spine-O-Cylinder!

Ba, ba, ba-ba, ba-ba ba-ba, ba, ba You must be the baby-sitter.

Well... Uh... Oh, we finally found out why the dog was scooting around on his butt all day. Turns out he had an impacted anal gland. The excitement never stops.

You’ve just been "Marge-inalized."

Okay, I'm leaving. Hup. You're not going anywhere, missy. But it's me, Moe, wearing a sailor suit. Moe with a lolly. It's so out of character. Ain't that worth nothin'? Come on. Next. All right, judges, who is our winner?

Must... save... buffoon.

Stupid Bart-toon. Hey, Bart-toon. That's clever. I'm gonna kill him. Look. It's Internet buffoon, Angry Dad.

Oh, he must want me to go with him. Oh, it isn't fair. I'm 10 times the Krusty fan you are. I even have the Krusty Home Pregnancy Test. I'm not sure I should go. I don't even like him. You're right, Lise. You shouldn't go. It wouldn't be honest.

The hurricane's over. He fell for it! Way to go, Marge!

Whoa! This whole planet is like one big skate park!

Hi. Oh, Homie! You're alive! Oh, Marge. I never thought you'd see me again. Where in the world did you find a sled on top of the--

You're turning me into a criminal when all I want to be is a petty thug.

I'm seeing students I haven't seen in years. Sugar Hmm-hmm-hmm! Hey, Mrs. K.! Oh, Arthur!

And look at this. The only books we have are ones... that were banned by other schools. Well, the kids have to learn about Tek War sooner or later. Go away, Bart. This is not a good time.

Okay. All right. Wait-- Now-- Now, dig this, man-- Get out! - Wow. Oh, let me just get my head together. - Now! I'll need three ships and 50 stout men. We'll sail round the horn and return with spices and silk, the likes of which ye have never seen. We're building a casino!

Come on, Dad. just 12 more pounds. Oh, humans are so ridiculous. He's not even halfway through Walter and he's already hallucinating. Lousy drunks! I'll show them!

Hey, Homer, slow down. You're going to choke or something. Don't tell me how to eat doughnuts.

Yes, sir. (TOILET FLUSHING) Indoor plumbing. The lack of it killed my mother. I've done it, Smithers! I've bought every media outlet in town. TV, radio, even the skywriters.

That sounds like a good movie.

Look, I just wanna know how to invent things. Tell me. Uh, all you have to do is think of things that people need... but which don't exist yet. You mean like an electric blanket-mobile? Uh, well, possibl--

We'll have the trial tomorrow at the stroke of midnight. Till then, you're going to spend the day in hell!

There is one more way to kill a man, but it is as intricate and precise... as a well-played game of chess.

If you like cafeteria workers in Beatle wigs with tennis racket guitars, you won't want to miss the second half! Oh, no! No! You drive. I eat. Dad, you were supposed to pay for those snacks. - I saw Krabappel's butt. - I paid.

I feel like such a fool. Well, he fooled almost everyone... but there was one little boy who never lost his mistrust. Thanks, Mom. Now, let's get out of this gas-filled hallway...

Hey, Van Houten, I heard your folks broke up. Aren't you gonna say "Ha-ha"? Oh, by no means. My dad left my mom after she got hooked on cough drops. By the end, her breath was so fresh, she wasn't really my mother anymore.

You give me back those blintzes then! Order! Order! We don't care about your blintzes.

Fish sticks ? What are you talking about ? They cut the head off the fish, chop up the rest into sticks, then put seasoned bread crumbs-- I know what fish sticks are ! Get to the point !

I bring you love. Is that the love between a man and a woman, or the love of a man for a fine Cuban cigar? Uh, I bring you love.

Moldy? Old? I'm gonna get something to eat! Well, it's not your original bear, of course, hey. But it is programmed to be just as cuddly. Ah, doggone it. It's supposed to be... doing a little dance. Heh! Eh! Ooh! Get the bear off!

Hello, Marge. Hello, Bart. How are the tennis partners? Oh, Homie, I'm sorry I hurt your feelings. Don't touch me. Your hands feel like salad tongs. I just wanted to win for once. Please don't take it as a threat to your manhood. My manhood? I never thought of that.

Hey, boy! Pull, Willie! Pull!

Lousy doormat. Homer, you won't believe what's happened. It's a miracle.

Would you, uh, care to dance? Mayor Quimby!

Mmm, how about "Marjorie"? Uh, sorry, ma'am. Mmm, how about "Mitzi"? Uh-uh. Uh, you can have "Nitzi." - Hmm. "Nitzi." - I'm out of here. Ladies and gentlemen, our next lot is number 751.

- Check. - Hello, Mr. Thompson. Remember now-- your name is Homer Thompson.

- Priority? - Precisely. Hmm? Here's your package, Mr. Burns.

Oh, dear ! Heaven forfend ! Which is why the night before the election, we want you to have dinner at the home of one of your workers. Oh, I get your angle. Every joe Meatball and Sally Housecoat in this godforsaken state...

I've got to stop being so petty. I should be Alison's friend, not her competitor. I mean, she is a wonderful person. Way to go, Lise. Why compete with someone who's just gonna kick your butt anyway? I prefer my phrasing.

See? Because of me, now they have a warning. Hey, Dad, sell you these for 50 bucks.

Babies. Perhaps we are all a little mad,

Well, you sure don't look 25, but your unlaminated, out-of-state driver's license is proof enough for me. Here's your first assignment.

What about you? Well, sir, I step in front of cars and sue the drivers. I beg celebrities for money. I'm a prison snitch. jug band manager. My legs hurt. Oh, Lisa's right. We're nothing but a big bunch of losers. Show's over, folks. Go home!

Forgive me? Oh, like you're Miss Perfect! Mom, Lisa's making me feel bad! Stop it, Lisa! That shut her up.

Don't worry. I'll tell everybody you were untouchable. Whoa.

and hopefully, when we return,

So television's responsible. Hey, we were watching that ! Mom, what are you doing ? Well, you won't be watching these cartoons anymore, ever !

Bad medicine. I could have been the flower girl... and I wouldn't keep falling down either. Hey, they chose Maggie, okay? If you want to go for cutesyness... instead of competence, fine. Do you, Bob, take Selma...

dig at each other with rusty hooks. Mm-hmm. Do a little housework, and you can play for five minutes. No way. Yes'm. See, Lisa? Males aren't hard to tame. - They all follow their video cartridges. - Ow.

Um, Milhouse, if you stay a little while longer, you can have this blazer. It's a Bob Mackie original. Wow! A Bob Mackie! Uh... sorry, Bart.

Looks like those clowns in Congress did it again. What a bunch of clowns. How does he keep up with the news like that?

Oh, damn F.D.A. Why can't it all be marshmallow?

Oh, no. I give up. There's nothin' we can do. Yeah. I agree. You wanna start on tryin' to get Apu out of jail? Okay. Wait, kids. You can't give up on Itchy and Scratchy. You're always so good at these things. Why, together you've reunited Krusty with his father,

A spoor! Hmm-- His brand of gum, Doublemint. Trying to double your fun, eh, Bart? Well, I'll double your detention. I wish someone was around to hear that.

Hmm. Will 5:00 never come? Careful, Smithers! That sponge has corners, you know. I'll go find a spherical one. Help, Smithers. I'm sinking. I'm sinking.

Homer, you encouraged him ! You should be strangling yourself ! She's right ! Okay, think, Homer. Don't panic. They don't pick up the mail till noon. There's still time ! Ow. Ow. Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.

Hey Hey-hey-hey-hey-hey Hey Boy, they sure love soccer here.

But as for me, I'm off to battle aliens on a faraway planet. That sounds like a good movie. Yes. Yes, a-a movie. Yes.

Get in! Wha- Get... in! Hey, whets this suitcase for'? Are we going on a trip?

Simpson, huh ? Simpson ! Why, there's a letter here from you. I'll just read it right now. "Dear Mr. Burns, "I'm so glad you enjoyed my son's blood, and your card was just great." Why, Simpson, you've made my day. You're a true gentleman.

and you... and you.

I just don't understand Francine's motivation. Why does she only go after the smart ones? That's like asking the square root of a million. No one will ever know.

Oh, for God's sake!

Have you lost your mind? Have you thought about your health or your appearance? Oh. So that's it, isn't it, Marge? Looks. I didn't know you were so shallow. Oh, please! I would love you if you weighed 1,000 pounds. But-- Beautiful. Good night.

Oh, shut up ! Hey, Burns ! Hey, rag arm ! You throw like my sister, man ! Yeah, you throw like me ! Ladies and gentlemen, to honor America, will you please rise for our national anthem, sung tonight by Springfield's rhythm and blues sensation Bleeding Gums Murphy !

(GASPS) Cool! Milhouse, do you have your change purse? MILHOUSE: Always! (DOORBELL RINGS) Here you go, son. "To stop time, click watch."

Howdy, stranger ! I'm Bart Simpson. Who the hell are you ? Ah. Please allow me to introduce myself. I'm the devil ! And you've earned eternal damnation for your lifetime of evil deeds, Bart. Spitting off the escalator just clinched it.

Are you sure you want to give me a car ? Hey, you know what these things cost me ? There's maybe forty bucks worth of steel in 'em. Oh, okay. I'd like a big one then. We don't have a big one. Why not ? Because Americans don't want big cars. Well, then give me one with lots of pep.

Now, Bart, you can find just as much horror around the house. Now, you children may not know it, but there was once an evil witch, and she died a horrible death. These are her eyes. Eww!

- Come on. Chuck him in. - Okay. Let's go. In the pot. In the pot. But, Marge, look at this little guy. Looks like an ordinary-- Ow! Son of a-- Feel that, Marge? He likes you.

I still think you should've left that at the motel. What? It said "take one." "Balloon ride," "Wax Museum," "The Denzel Washington Monument." "Colonial Phoenix"-- Hey! Dude ranch. And there's no radio or TV, so we won't have to hear your song. Sweet.

Homie, how long do you plan to do this?

And this is just the beginning. I've got some big plans. It smells funny in there.

Damn, damn, damn. McBain.

But nobody rocks like... Springfield!

Oh, come on, Homer. By the end, you were so bored... you could barely keep your selfish head up. I wasn't bored. I was sad. It really got to me how that lady, uh, um-- You know which one I mean. You played her. Blanche. Yeah. How Blanche was sad.

You are darn lucky we got here in time to rescue you. What the hell are you talking about, sir ? He's getting away. After him ! We gotta take him alive. You got that tranquilizer gun ready ?

What's that? Oh, yuck. That sandwich is full of meat! There's bacon. Canadian bacon. Mexican bacon! And a mouthwatering veal chop.

How's your father's project coming along? I think he's almost done. Yeah, he's done. Why you little--

I was in 'Nam. I served for-- And speaking of lotteries here are the winning numbers for this week's $40,000 jackpot. 3-6-17-18-22 and 29. Oh, no! Those are my numbers. If it wasn't for that dog, I would have won.

- Hubba-hubba. - Stop that! I love my wife and family. All I'm gonna use this bed for is sleeping, eating, and maybe building a little fort-- that's it.

Oh, uh, Barney. Clancy! Hey, come on! You did me twice! Smithers? My parents insisted I give it a try, sir. Mayor Quimby! Uh, well, that could be any mayor.

Welcome to your post office. Wow! It's ours? Bart! Be with you in a minute.

Listen, guys, we've gotta do something about Poochie. There's only one thing we can do. Then they said they were gonna kill Poochie off.

I-i could be killed. Fine. I'll do it. Where do you want me? On the "X." You mean the one with the red paint? Uh, yeah, paint. Now, it's of critical importance that you don't-- Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll figure it out. This isn't rocket science.

All great art is controversial at first. But years from now, people will point to these cuddly little creatures and say, "That's a Jack Crowley." Now, uh, pizza's working well on Thursday. But I think the kids will follow it to Tuesday.

Think of me when you're having the best sex of your life! Drink it! Mmm!

Hope you enjoyed that, kids, 'cause Krusty's outta here for the summer. In the meantime, we'll be running-- "Klassic Krusty." Enjoy!

here's our grand marshal, the Prophet of Love, Larry White. - Barry White. - No. It says here Larry White. I know my own name. Yeah? Well, we'll see.

Quick, quick. No time to cook them. They will plump in my stomach.

slang from the '30s that no one uses anymore. Like "rubes"? Now you're on the trolley. Well, we gotta get. Here's the money box. Any questions? Uh, yes. How do we handle refunds? Uh, I'm gonna give this to you. - Good move. - Give me 10 rings. Lookee, lookee. Hey, hey. Wocka, wocka. i got rings and you want 'em.

Hmm. Gentlemen, I am going to catch General Sherman. - Ooh ! - Oh, my !

Bart, if you don't get up now, good luck getting a pancake. Dad's pulled his chair right up to the stove. Lise, I think I'm having a midlife crisis. If you're feeling depressed, do what I do and write something. A novel, a play... Or I could write something that's not gay.

She's still your mother. Come inside. Hmm? Can I get you a glass of milk? Cow milk? Uh-huh.

Oh, my God! This is the worst Halloween horror we've ever faced! And white blood cells are attacking my clothes! Although I must admit they know where to stop. We'll have to lighten the ship, which means one of us has to stay behind. Bart? Lisa? Fine. Me.

But where did it come from?

Yes, eventually I become king of the Morlocks. But Morlocks are from the future. You calling me a liar? Wait a minute, Homer. If it's true, what about all the stuff you weren't around for? Yeah. How'd you know the Chinese were spying on you? I just naturally assumed. That is the stupidest story I ever heard. And I've read the entire Sweet Valley High series.

Homie, I must say, you have the energy of 20 men lately. Twenty-three! Now, today I'm gonna mow the lawn, do my taxes... shoot hoops with Bart and girl it up with Lisa. Aw! Huh? Hmm?

You cut back on building materials and kept all the money for yourself. - That's what happened. - Get him, Lise! But I wasn't in charge of the money. Cecil was. Now, let's stop bickering and get out of here. This dam could collapse at any minute! One minute past sunrise, to be precise.

Is it a pool yet? Yes, Dad. Whoo-hoo! Who could that be? Uh, hello, uh, Mrs., uh, Bart. Is your pool ready yet?

Lisa, nobody likes a shill. Just buy me the friggin' toy. I love that little shill. - Let's get her that diary. - I agree. A girl should have her own private diary. I had to share mine with my uncle.

Now, Hamlet, you know the rules. Laertes here gets one practice stab. Oh, boy! Boy, did I bet on the wrong horse. Heh.

Hey, there. I hear it's your birthday. How old are you? Well, I'm... That's great. Would you like us to sing you a special song? - Hell, no. - You got it. Ready, Señor Beaveratti? I'm a-ready. And a-one, and a-two...

Hey, what are you doing ? No ! Drop that drumstick ! Bad dog ! Bad Santa's Little Helper ! Come on ! Give me that ! Give me that ! Doh ! Okay, out you go ! Hey, boy, come here. You're a good dog.

Oh, thank God. The dog's here. Pull me free, boy. Don't be scared. You can do it. Hey! Where you going? I'm your pal. I took you for a walk once.

As soon as Zed gets here, the party will begin. There he is now.

Okay, fine. I wanna get out of here sometime today. Attention, everyone. To those questioning the value of the space program... behold! Ay, caramba!

My parents won't mind because they won't even know about it. All right. The coast is clear. There's a box you can sleep in. Thanks. - just move that cot outta the way. - Okay. Do you know what radon is? No. Good night. Spare change?

I'd like to thank everybody who contributed to Krusty's Canned Food Drive. Your generous donations... have made this our slipperiest, slimiest slobstacle course ever!

Of course I'm late for work!

And their beams. Any other strange behavior? He quit blinking. He says that's when they get you. I had a feeling this might happen. This carboxyl group sometimes causes problems. After we trusted you! I think we should take him off the drug. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! You can't just go "off" Focusyn.

Oh, yeah. That's it, baby. That's the money shot. Yeah, the camera loVes you. Oh, you tease, you. - Why are you taping Flanders, Dad? - You'll see. Do you even have a job anymore?

- Run for it. - Really? Okay, that's exactly one moment. And-- Oh, my God! He's getting away!

I mean, uh-- Here they are! The Party Posse! Had a girl in every port

Gotta make it till midnight. Gotta make it till midnight.

I love our court days. It's about the only thing we do as a family anymore.

Faster, Barney, faster ! I'm twirling as fast as I can !

Why, you little..! What the..? D'oh!

Don't you think I know that ?

Hey! What's hap-- Okay, okay, okay. Not your fault. It's a bird thing. You don't control the birds.

I'll work harder than ever before... and show the world overweight people aren't undisciplined, lazy and irresponsible.

That was more than I wanted to know. Okay, well, um-- Edna, Seymour, in light of these, uh, revelations, I suppose we overreacted. Do we have our jobs back? What? Oh, yes, yes, yes. Sure. Just, uh, you know, keep the lewdness to a minimum.

Oh, poor Mark Hamill. That swarm of nerds is gonna kill him. Nerds!

And what if he's not? Then we'd look like idiots. We're not picking him up. Oh, yes, we are. There's not enough room. Yes, there is. I just don't think it's a good idea. And I think it's the best idea I've ever had. We're picking up the weirdo, and that's final.

To buck up your spirits and shield you from dangers Now here's a tip from Blanche you won't regret A stranger's just a friend you haven't met You haven't met Streetcar!

I'm gonna meetcha, I'm gonna meetcha I'll meetcha Black-on-black violence must end. That was for Dr. King. (CHUCKLING) Don't feel bad, Doc. I won't even let my mom clip my toenails.

The polite thing to do would've been to clean the shells first. Shoo! Shoo! I guess I should give this back to you. I showed it to your friends again before we left. - Bart! - Look inside.

despite his poor grammar and spelling. Seymour! Are you looking at naked ladies? No, Mother. You sissy!

Hiya, Homer. That's not Homer. It's gotta be. He's parking in Homer's space.

Which is fine. More power to ya. It's just that some people find your turkey a little dry. Mm-hmm. And if they want an option, they'll have it. Hmm ! Hi, Patty.

Bart, you can't actually call these places. Don't you know how expensive international calls are? Hello, operator. I'd like to make a collect call to... Australia.

Dad's in a mental institution. Oh, my God. Mother was right.

Willie, I need to see the school security tapes. Security tapes? There's no security tapes. It's hard to miss the cameras.

Bart ! Where are you, Bart ?

Uh, Bart? Not now, Lise. I'm trying to relax.

Dos huevos, por favor. ¡AY! Oh, que lÁstima. I gotta steal that bit. This is boring. I wonder what would happen if you put your train on there.

l have-a the buyer's remorse.

I want to stay here with Mr. Burns. I suggest you leave immediately. Or what? You'll release the dogs or the bees, or dogs with bees in their mouth, and when they bark, they shoot bees at you? Well, go ahead. Do your worst.

Boom! Boom it went! Boom! Just like that!

Ten, nine, eight-- eight-- eight-- eight-- Ohh! Will this horrible year never end?

Do you know what prison is like... for a life-long Republican? In our overcrowded cell we became little more than beasts. Who used my chap stick? Oh, i did. Here you go. I don't want it.

'Cause if you don't, I'll never believe anything you say... ever again. Aw, come on.

Uh, hi, Bart. Faithful Milhouse. You'll spend the long, hot days by my side, won't you? I think I lost my glasses in your pool. I better go in and find 'em. - But you're wearing your glasses. - No, I'm not. Oh, look. Bart's all alone.

Eeeeeeee! Sir, try to land on Leonard's carcass!

Oh, I might've known-- but I didn't. Bart, get outta there. My poor boy! Will he be all right? Marge, this kind of injury is surprisingly routine.

To stop those monsters one, two, three Here's a fresh new way that's trouble-free it's got Paul Anka's guarantee

D'oh! One more wrong answer, and Homer flunks another of life's little tests. And what's this? Oh. Someone didn't fill in a circle all the way. Oh! Oh. Oh, boy.

We put enough tranquilizers in there to take down jonathan Winters. Oh, I've got too much to do to take a nap right now. Lisa, get Maggie out of that cage.

Warmest regards.

Why don't you come chat with us about the Leader at the welcome center? Will there be beer? Beer is not allowed.

What's your angle, pervert? Oh-ho. My angle is "givin' in this world, livin' in the next!"

Wah! Ha, ha! Now that everyone's so open about being fat, I can finally stop sucking in my gut.

Oh, you are So dead, little dude. Thanks a lot, Chief. You kids crack me up. Hi. I'm Ed McMahon. Tonight on Fox, from the producers of When Skirts Fall off and Secrets of National Security Revealed, it's World's Deadliest Executions.

This is jebediah Springfield at the Battle of Ticonderoga. Next. And here he is killing a snake... on the very first Whacking Day in 1775.

It looks like everyone in Springfield showed up for this. Ha-ha! Could this town be any stupider? Order! Please rise for the, uh, Pledge of Allegiance. Get to the money! In a moment.

Okay, children, before we leave... is anyone missing their buddy? No! Ah, the buddy system. Foolproof. Floor it, Otto. Wait! Wait!

(CHUCKLING) Well, we put up a flyer. Let's see someone claim that money now. (CHUCKLING) Hey, what does that flyer say? What if it's for guitar lessons? We must know! I'm on it.

(WHIMPERS) (DON'T STAND SO CLOSE TO ME PLAYING) (YELLING)

Well, Homer, I have to admit, you created something people really love. You truly are an artist.

What's going on? What happened to our crops? I picked 'em, juiced 'em and delivered 'em to every store in town. Your business is saved. But there weren't enough vegetables left to fill that order.

Principal Skinner ! Hello, Mrs. Simpson. I'm afraid there's been... - a very disturbing incident at school today. - I'm outta here. Homer, Principal Skinner is here. Hello, Principal Skinner. I'd get up, but the boy crippled me. Mm-hmm. I understand completely. The disturbing incident I was referring to happened this morning...

I'm not going to enroll in that clown college though. That advertisement had no effect on me whatsoever.

J; J See that drunk girl speedin' down the streetJ J She's worried about the state of public schools J J She likes to party She likes to rockJ

you just jumped 16 blazing school buses. What are you going to do now? I'm goin' to Duff Gardens!

And it makes a king Feel like some nutty cuckoo, super king it's against the law to frown in Capital City You'll caper like a stupid clown

Whoa! Whoa! Don't worry, guys. Something always comes along to save us. Uh, nevertheless, I remain confident...

Boo! I mean, man, is that a good movie. Yea!

We found this one swimming naked in the Fermentarium. I am the Lizard Queen! Give her this... and this...

Last chance. Whoo-hoo! The sum of the square roots of any two sides of an isosceles triangle... is equal to the square root of the remaining side. - That's a right triangle, ya idiot! - D'oh! Thank you so much for visiting our plant, Dr. Kissinger. It was fun. We'll let you know if your glasses turn up.

Okay, everyone turn to the left. Hey! Oh, come on, people. The Prison Nutcracker Suite is one week away. And I don't see five sugarplums. I see five guys who don't know their moves and don't seem to care. There, I said it!

Well, you might as well give me a ride home now. I've never gone behind Mr. Burns's back before.

Lisa Simpson has won the Nobel Prize. Nah. Lisa Simpson has won the Nobel Prize for Kickboxing. Hmm.

I'm sure it's nothing. Mom, are you feeling any better? Yes, but I'd rather not talk about it. Permit me to solve the mystery. Your mother has a fear of flying. So much for the days when I could say, "At least my mother's normal."

Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! "Asleep at the switch"? I wasn't asleep. I was drunk!

(CLICKING) (LAUGHING IN FRENCH ACCENT) (LAUGHING IN JAPANESE ACCENT) (LAUGHING IN BOTSWANAN ACCENT) (MIMICKING SEAL LAUGHTER) Stupid Internet. Whole world laughing at me.

But I can't find Happy Little Allison Tinkly-Winkly Town. just grab something. All these movies are great.

The story of our national parks begins in 1872. Perhaps we should let john Muir tell the tale.

(VOCALIZING) (VOCALIZING) Homer, what are you doing? I swallowed a chicken bone. (GAGGING) (SIGHS) Chloe, you've lived so many fascinating places.

Walt Whitman? Damn you, Walt Whitman! I... hate... you, Walt... freakin'... Whitman! Leaves of Grass my ass! Wait a minute. Maybe it's that other grave. The one that says "Simpson." Oh!

They got my bus pass! They got my bus pass! Whoa! They're poking every nook and Cranny-- well, every cranny anyway. So far, the nook is relatively-- Oh, no! No, it isn't!

Lisa, honey, why don't we go upstairs and I'll draw you a nice hot bath. That helps me when I feel sad.

Well, uh, I'm gonna take advantage of this rare opportunity, even if you children aren't interested. Uh, which do you think is more important? Hard work or stick-to-itiveness? Are there any real questions? Yes. Um, does your plant have a recycling program?

Oh, look, Bart. Now you got Maggie all upset. Relax. I'll give her some ice cream.

Oh. Oh. Uh-oh. I need a bib. If I slop any on my shirt, I could lose the respect of my beloved brethren. So let us rejoice and enjoy our meal... in the shadow of the hallowed, sacred parchment.

So, Barney, we hear you're kickin' ass. I, uh, don't think this contest is over yet, Buzz, if that is your real name. I believe there is still a little something called the swimsuit competition. There's no swimsuit competition, Homer.

YOu-- You saved my life, Bart. Yeah. I guess this means you can't ever try to kill me again, huh? Oh, I don't know about that. joking. joking.

Homer, I'll go over the year-end profit forecast... - if youll stop looking at my boobs. - No deal. I got a gold star at school today...

Oh! I'm never eatin' chili again. Ooh, chili!

It says it's for dogs, but she can't read. Ow ! Oh, Simpson, it's you. Hello, Flanders. Oh, my ! What a little mess we've got here. Well, which ones are yours and which ones are mine ? Well, let's see. Oh, this one's mine. This one's mine. This one's mine, and this-- They're all yours ! Hey, Mr. Simpson, you dropped your pork chop.

Oh. Ye have saved our fledgling community. Mr. Springfield, how can I hope to achieve such greatness?

"Hello. My name is Laddie. I've been trained to gather fruit for you as a welcome gift."

Dow Chemical is developing a minty gel to eliminate excess guilt but it won't be on the market for six months so I guess you'll have to confess to Milhouse.

- Kill her, boy! Kill her! - Stop him dead, little girl! Kill, Bart! Kill, Bart! Kill, Bart!

This is where the kids were last seen. The plastic casing from the tip of Bats shoelace! A mother knows.

Quit copying me!

(GASPS) Dad? Bart, I'm sorry. I could never build a robot this awesome. I'm a fraud! So you fought all those robots? Affirmative.

Welcome, Super Friend! I am called Ham, since I enjoy ham radio. This is E-mail, Cosine, Report Card, Database and Lisa. Your nickname will be Cosmos. Well, I'm done eating. Good-bye.

Morning. Dad, where are your clothes? I don't know. Don't tell me Mom dresses you.

Ah, bambino. Or is it a bambina? I dont speak any language so good. We have considered your proposal, and our answer is no.

If I'm alive, they'll cut it down. You are not pretending to be dead, young lady. This family has had nothing but bad luck when it comes to farce. Homer, it's Neddie. I baked you a little something to ease the pain.

But, Marge, look at this little guy. Looks like an ordinary-- Ow! Son of a-- Feel that, Marge? He likes you. And now for the main course-- steamed Maine cabbages!

Oh! You've never heard Garrison Keillor... till you've heard him through five speakers. Aw, phoo.

Okay. Jupiter should be somewhere around here.

Mm. We found a secret room that was filled to the ceiling with parachute pants.

We asked you not to spit over the side. Howdy, stranger ! I'm Bart Simpson. Who the hell are you ? Ah. Please allow me to introduce myself.

Every class will do its part to make our local bicentennial... just as memorable as our national bicentennial. Of course, you children are too young to remember that, with the possible exception of Kearney.

All right then.

Take him away, boys. Treat kids as equals ! They're people too ! They're smarter than you think. They were smart enough to catch me ! Well, we... made... a terrible, terrible mistake.

Flanders? Ned Flanders?

Y'ello? I know you're alone. Who is this? Is this Maude Flanders? No. It's Homer. Oh! Hey, Homer. It's Moe. I must have dialed the wrong number.

Oh, stop talking crazy. just do one thing for me. Get... Mendoza. Mendoza! You want to rent it, sir?

Fine! I want to marry Anne Boleyn. But I can't chop my wife's head off because her father is the King of Spain! Your Majesty, your feelings are valid, but I'm afraid marriage takes a lot of hard work.

We gotta take him alive. You got that tranquilizer gun ready ? Dad ! Oh, Dad ! Avenge me, son. Avenge my death.

Bart, I am so mad at you! You should have seen the look on your face. It was something like this. Whoa-oa-oa!

Tell her you love her. I love you very much. Awww. And, uh... later tonight, I think you and I should, uh... snuggle?

Oh, that man is so rude. Yeah. If you don't mind, we're trying to watch the mov--

Apt! Don't you see what Mr. Burns has done to this church? He restored it from nave to narthex! He super-sized the pews for the zaftig believers. He put ice in the urinals. Those are all wonderful things. But they've cost the church its soul.

It sounds like a motorcycle gang. And we don't have backup! We'd better lay low. But Chief, what if they like pizza? Way ahead of you, Lou.

A yard's 36! (SCREAMS) (GROANING) Now you tell me. I don't know what they taught you in public school. But at St. Jerome's, we don't tolerate back sass. Stretch out your arms like our Lord on the cross.

Don't say the dog's dead when he's not. It's not fair to toy with people's emotions. He is dead. I'll get a shovel. Well, he's not dead, but he is awfully sick. Oh, sure, the old man's off his rocker. If Grandpa says he's dead, he must be alive. He is alive.

Marge, kids. Have you people forgotten our little competition?

Why do you need new bands? Everyone knows rock attained perfection in 1974. It's a scientific fact.

And now, the grand finale. "Get Lisa's jammed tape out of VCR." Whoops. Wait a minute. There. Fire in the hole! Hmm.

Noah, thou shalt build'st thyself an ark... measuring 300 cubits in length. 300 cubits, give or take. Exactly 300! And thou shalt takest two of every creature--

Shouldn't we wait for the other babies before we open presents? We didn't invite other babies. Maggie doesn't seem to get along with the other babies. Maggie, we have a surprise for you!

Uh, excuse me. Do you know where I can buy some, uh- drugs? Drugs? Everything is drugs! Banana made of drugs, monkey made of drugs. Look, all market made of drugs.

he'll find out this cat has claws ! Good thinking, sir. Now, let's pretend you're on the witness stand. How are you, Bart ? Fine. Oh, fine. Isn't that nice ? Bart says he's fine. Wrong ! You are not fine ! You are in constant pain !

Oh, no! Oh, what a tragedy. That car was just two days away from retirement.

Listen. I'm getting pretty tired. I'm gonna go to sleep for a while. Smell you later. - How am I supposed to get home? - I don't know. Should have thought of that before you came over. Ha.

Oh, yeah. And my other friend was already there. All right. All right now. You're overstimulated. Let's get some beer in you, and then it's right to bed. Whoo-hoo! Beer, beer, beer! Bed, bed, bed!

I'm sorry, but we're not supposed to put butter on the Milk Duds. You're not supposed to go to the bathroom without washing your hands either. TouchÉ. To the top, please. Swim, my pretties.

Yes, thank God those days are over. And the Van Houtens were enjoying a storybook marriage. Yeah. Lots of storybooks have witches. - Shut up, Kirk! - Sorry.

Shine on, you crazy diamond.

Wait a minute. I know where we're going. Oh, it's horrible!

A field goal? Hmm, 19, 20, 21-- That would win the game.

If only we had listened to that boy... instead of walling him up in the abandoned coke oven. Well, I am going to avenge my grandfather. We'll take on that greedy union, and we'll get back our... dental plan.

You see, the waiting list for a kidney is very long, and-- I said fine. What is it about the word "sure" you don't understand? Oh, thank you, Son. Hmm, I'll take the left one. It's good and springy. Though the right one's not without its charms.

Hey, Apu just called. This Friday, Lisa's team is playing Bart's team.

We can stick her in a trailer, drive her around the South and charge two bits a gander.

J; Dad, this lack of sleep is making Mom and Maggie crazy. Dont you think you’re overreacting, talking gum-ball machine? ...or an assemblyman on the take. Forget it, Bart. ts so bright out... you cant see anything in the sky except the Fox satellite.

Then, another bombshell. An anonymous tipster alerted Uncle Sam... that the Simpsons were evading their income taxes. Yes, I finked on Homer, but, you know, he deserved it. Never have I seen such abuse of the "Take a penny, leave a penny" tray. The tax men were merciless.

Oh, yeah Half my life gone and I'm only guaranteed 38 more years.

Yes! The way I figure it, he's due for a good performance.

Yes! From the "Z" to the "O" to the double "R"-"O" He's the dude in a mask from the barrio With his horse and his mask and his big ol' sword He'll cut your butt from a '52 Ford

Agent johnson, F.B.I. I'm very happy to meet you. From now on, you're gonna work for us. Okay, but could you pay me under the table? I got a little tax problem.

Honey, your food is getting cold. That's all right. Lisa, I'm very sorry about what happened. Mom, I poured my heart into that centerpiece. Things like that always happen in this family. I've noticed that too. Well, when you feel like coming down, we'll be there.

Uh-huh. And, uh, do you drink? I do enjoy a snifter of port at Christmas. All right. Here's your policy. Now let me tell you something, Mr. Sucker. I just-- Oh, hold on there. Uh, you still have to sign it. Oh. I--

Amen, Ernie. - All done. - You're not done.

Hey, bottom bunk's mine.

Bart, we made her the same thing. Oh! This is even worse than you think! Look! Kids, we're going Mother's Day shopping. I'm glad this holiday only comes every four years. Let's see, what would she like? Twenty on the trifecta?

And later that day, you had a book signing! That guy exploits his pets worse than Bob Guccione.

They must be exterminated as quickly and gruesomely as possible.

Perhaps I could sell him a little oil. You twisted old monster!

Ralph, would you just-- Look! A rocket ship! That's not a toy! Hey! Do you know how to play hide-and-seek? Shh! I been here two hours, and Bart still hasn't finded me.

Everyone always says they have to work a lot harder when I'm around. You know, Dad, assisting Mr. Burns could give your career a real shot in the arm. You know, Homer, assisting Mr. Burns could give your career a real shot in the arm. - Mom, I just said that. - Sor-ry. Next time, get your own darn corn.

What are you gonna do, Mr. Simpson?

I once possessed the entire collection. Then I sold them all for opium. D'oh, how I wish I had them back to sell for more opium!

What is it, boy? What? Mmm. Barbecue. Ahh.

Underprivileged? You pretended we were poor just to get me into camp? Uh, yeah, pretended. Hey, you must be Homer! I'm Lenny and this is Carl. Wow, a Negro. We prefer the term "black." So cool.

Hi, Marge. Hi, Santa's Little Helper. Hi, kid. Hey! That's not Santa's Little Helper! That's Laddie. Bart says he won him at a church carnival two towns over.

Christmas in December Wow, wow, wow Give me tons of presents - Now, now, now Hey, Homer.

I, um, have to go. Monty Burns, everybody. I've called you all here because I need some honest answers. What is my current financial situation? Great. I hear "great." All right. Let's have a look at my stock portfolio.

Lisa, not all romances turn out that way. Bart, do you have a love story that doesn't end in heartbreak?

"License to Ogle"? "Vyza"? Oh, yes, of course. That's what I meant, "Visa." It's these new dentures. Well, I think it's wonderful that your father has fallen in love with my mother. Well, I'm opposed to the whole thing-- damn opposed! He's damn opposed. Damn, damn, damn opposed.

That's good! The toppings contain potassium benzoate. That's bad. Can I go now?

Oh, dear. My wife is going to kill me. I only want to eat candy. Then that's all you'll get. This leash demeans us both. I'll take two! I'll take a dozen! I represent the Precious Baby Discount Stores.

Ha-hal You werent on this field trip. How did you get here? Biked. Bart, I am so mad at you! You should have seen the look on your face. It was something like this.

I'm here live in Korea... to give you a firsthand look at how American cartoons are made.

Ooh! Such a mighty wallop. I got my magic bat off a piano. My sister let me use her wooden leg.

Is this story going somewhere?

Oh, whoo! You're fired!

Wow! Paul McCartney! I read about you in history class. But where's your wife, Linda? Right here, Lisa. Whenever we're in Springfield, we like to hang out in Apu's garden in the shade. We met him in India years ago during the Maharishi days.

Homie, to honor Springfield's newest hero, I made you your favorite dinner. All three courses are dessert. - Even dessert? - Dessert is three desserts. Huh? Mr. Mayor, you've been unflinching in your support of Chief Wiggum.

Hello, Marge. You left your damn porch light on. Barney ! Homer's not made of money, you know. Who is this ? Don't listen to him, Marge. He's-- - Oh, it's you. - Oh. Homer, you're overwrought. Why don't you unwind a bit ? Party down the hall. You know, this apartment complex caters...

Hey, everybody. Look at this. It's that boy who laughs at everyone. Let's laugh at him. Ha-ha! Wave to the people.

And Burly's still got soaking power. Spill something else. M-Mom, I believe you. Spill it! Hmm? Ooh, Burly, you're insatiable.

Everyone agreed that Lisa was a beautiful baby. Here she is!

Oh, man, am I glad to get out of there! Whoo!

Oh! It's you, isn't it? When I get you, I'm gonna use your head for a bucket and paint my house with your brains.

Please don't tell anyone we're here. You've got to keep our secret, Homer. Homer, we're out of vodka. Tell the people, Homer. They have a right to know... about the celebrity summer house. Who the hell are you? What do you care? I'm telling you what you want to hear.

Well, it's all-- Hey! I thought you twisted your ankle. Oh, yeah. Well, see the thing about that is-- Hey, boss, we were just talking about you. You call yourselves bodyguards? You're fired!

Gentlemen, I regret to inform you...

It is. I don't believe it. Say something else smart. Dr. Joyce Brothers may be well-known, but her psychological credentials are highly suspect. It's true! Now, who's up for a trip to the library tomorrow?

What are you basing that on, Mom? Who wants gingersnaps?

When I'm kicking you, that means hurry up. Come on.

We're going to watch a show... about the everyday problems of angels. Now back to Good Heavens. Jesus called today. He did?

I'll be sleeping downstairs in the visitor's center. Oh. Okay. I'll see you in the morning, and get ready for tennis. It comes on at 10:00. Troy, Mac Parker. Ever hear of Planet of the Apes? Uh, the movie or the planet?

Flanders? That suit's a little revealing, isn't it?

Yeah. That's the price of success. Can I top you off? What's my blood alcohol? Point-one-five. Keep 'em comin'. You know, Marge is quite a remarkable woman. Yeah, she's cool. You're certainly a lucky man to have her.

And if you get kicked out of that one, you're going straight in the army where you'll be sent straight to America's latest military quagmire. Where will it be? North Korea, Iran?

Here. Welcome to the real world, hippies! Wow. What a long, strange product rollout it's been. Good-bye! Hmm?

but it's an insult to everything I suffered for. Now, take a seat, junior, and listen to someone... who gave their youth in service of their country. Mrs. Krabappel, the pledge, please. You haven't dealt with women for a long time, have you, Sergeant? Are you asking me out?

Got to go, Moe. Tough luck. Aaaaaaaahhh! Holy cow, you just fell on Aerosmith!

You might hear from your friends or coworkers... that Apu isn't living at home anymore. I just wish there was something we could do. Oh. Oh, Homer, are you thinking what I'm thinking? You bet I am.

All he ever did was eat, sleep and drink beer. Your point being? And to top it off, he's been stiffing me... on child support for the last four months. Well, you were unlucky. But there are a lot of good men out there. Hey, can I throw up in your bathroom? I'll buy something.

That's right, "Liser." Academics are important. But you must also train your body with vigor. That's why I created the President's Council on Physical Fitness. Er, ah, yes. I can't argue with the man who wrote Profiles in Courage. Yes, uh, wrote it, uh-- Well, uh, good luck, "Liser."

between showgirl and that seamstress. Pipe down! Yes. Hush up. You hush up! Quiet, everybody! Shut up, or I'll pound all of ya! That was fun! We have to get out more often. I heard about a new bar where men dance with men. Doesn't that sound adorable? Well, sure, if it's true.

It's not staying down! Wait, yeah. It's staying down!

Aw, Moe! That's too far! And ask yourselves, people, who's to blame for all this? Well, I guess we are. I suppose I do take Maude for granted. Yeah, I've done some of that myself. Will you stop it! It's easy to blame ourselves, but it's even easier to blame Apu!

Why? When it happens, you'll know. You're a pin monkey? Wow! Finally I don't have to be ashamed of my father's job. I think it's romantic, throwing off the shackles of the workaday world... and following a dream... of sorts. I don't know if it's such a good idea. Can we get by on a pin monkey's salary?

In this tank, we see some of the most exotic species of the coral reef. Look, children. That giant clam appears to be opening. This could be a wonderful journal entry. Look at the size of those flawless pearls.

Now featuring the clean-shaven sounds... of Hooray For Everything. Hey, kids! Take a walk on the wild side! And all the races sing: doo doo-doo shooby dooby-doo doo doo-doo shooby dooby-doo Yeah!

Fairly warned be thee, says I. Huh? Hey! Hey! Hey! But the sign said, "All you can eat."

Kiss it. Uh, maybe later.

I'm a-singin' in the sh-- Yeow! Oww! Hot! Yaah! Cold! Oww!

You know, I went to the McDonald's in, uh, Shelbyville on Friday night. The Mc-what? Uh, McDonald's restaurant. I-- I never heard of it either, but, uh, they have over 2,000 locations in this state alone. Must have sprung up overnight. You know the funniest thing though? It's the little differences.

That does it. One of them has to go. Okay. Grandpa. No, the B-U-M. Oh.

As you know, I've been writing a musical about the Malibu Stacy doll. A show about a doll? Why not write a musical about the common cat or the king of Siam?

You people are pigs! I personally am gonna spit in every 50th burger. I like those odds. In a moment, we'll look at the courageous Korean gymnast, Kim Huyang, who made a perfect dismount on what was later revealed to be a broken leg.

The Itchy & Scratchy Show

Wait a minute. I didn't use that much poison. I mean, I didn't use that much poi, son, at the royal luau.

Poor Aunt Hortense.

What if I told you you could lose weight without dieting or lifting a finger? I'd say you're a lying scumbag. Why, sweetie? According to Eternity magazine you can lose weight subliminally.

Attention, passengers. Dinner is now being served in the dining car. - Ooh-ooh! - There she is.

Very good, Bart. Mm-hmm. Lisa, I want you to stick close to your big brother until you catch up. Ha-hal Young man, you’re not in this class. What are you doing here? Laughing at jerks.

My country, 'tis of thee La da da da da dee

Hey, kids, lots of candy left for breakfast. Why don't we give it to some needy children then? No. Oh, no! The candy conventioneers tracked us down!

I'll never be able to do this trick. Never! Go. Go! Ohh! Ohh! Ohh! Hey, I'm doing it! I'm doing it! I'm the greatest clown in the world!

It's not fair. (SOBBING) I can't stand seeing one of my children like this. (MUFFLED SOBBING) Oh, I can still hear her! I better do something!

I'll tell you why you didn't have a Bar Mitzvah. It's because you're a puts. Everything is a joke to you. I was afraid you'd make a mockery out of the whole ceremony, like you're making a mockery out of me right now. Maybe I am but you can't argue with the laughs. So what? It's not my job to make kids laugh. Yes, it is. You're a clown.

it's, uh, considerably less than that. I, um, have to go. Monty Burns, everybody. I've called you all here because I need some honest answers.

they fought and fought and biT fought, fought, fought bit, bit, bit it was the itchy and scratchy show

Honey, I know you wanna see japan, but we're down to our last million yen. Don't worry, ichiban. I'll show you something japanese.

Let's go home, and I'll microwave you some nice roaches. In a bold move that has stunned Hollywood insiders, newly divorced comeback kid Troy McClure... has turned down the supporting lead in McBaiN iv...

Wow. You got everything, Homer-- Even the Oscar polish. Honey, why don't you give that thing a rest? You're taking the finish off. When you win one, you can take care of it however you want. Whoo-hoo. Meow.

Wow! It's even more wonderful than Lisa said. Oh, whoa. A complimentary basket of hooves. Mmm. Beef salad, beef on the cob, beef-fried beef-- Is there anything on the menu that isn't meat? Ha. Not likely.

My baby turtle crawled into your basement window. Oh, you poor boy. What's your turtle's name? Uh... Apron Boobs-face? Really? Well, let's go find it. And what's your name? Uh... Shoes... Butt-back?

Hi, Patty. Mwah ! Hi, Selma. Mwah.

All right! Time for a crime spree.

You see, son, every family has to make extra income when they send a child like you to a place like mine! You're lucky this is just a youth hostel. We had one family who had to take in dry-cleaning. The chemicals killed their dog! Well, that's what they told us in the lawsuit. I don't see a dog living past 14 anyway, do you?

jackknifed sugar truck. Sugar?

Ahhh! (READING TITLES) Oh, Goldilocks. And the three bears!

Bart, I cracked the code of the pictograph. It says there's a curse on the mound. Of course I don't believe it... (SCREAMS) Hi, Lisa. I brought you the Cap City version of Monopoly. Baltic Avenue is now Wayne Street.

Ogre is such a strong word. Right on, Doc ! Another successful diagnosis. - That does it ! - Whoa ! Okay, you wanna kill each other. That's good. That's healthy. There's nothing necessarily wrong with hostile conflict. All I ask is that you use my patented aggression therapy mallets.

you steal my car and park it on the railroad tracks. Then when the 10:15 train comes along-- Wham! Insurance company pays off 5,000 clams. I keep showing Renee the sweet life. You're a genius, Moe. All your troubles... will soon be over for a couple of months.

Will you be able to provide an I.P. router... that's compatible with my token ring Ethernet LAN configuration? Can I have some money now?

Authorities say the phony pope... can be recognized by his high-top sneakers and incredibly foul mouth.

So, your bid is zero? Well, we'd like to think of it as-- Thank you. - You know, I really think-- - Thank you.

jebediah was... great. I, um, just wanted to say... that I've done some research, and, uh, he was great.

Fair enough. I assume these snacks are nutritious? That's really none of our business. The bottom line is, half the profits go to your school or camp. You heard the lady. Just sign the damn contract. Yo. (TALKING INDISTINCTLY)

I guess I'll have to leave all my money to the Egg Advisory Council. Eggs have gotten quite a bad rap lately, you know, Smithers. Oh, look. A bird has become petrified and lost its sense of direction. I think it's a rock, sir. We'll see what the lab has to say about that.

Furious George! What have they done to your beautiful face? Ohh, there, there. Smithers, this monkey is going to need most of your skin. Ahh, it's good to be home.

Just because he's an ex-con-- Ooh! Crowley's an ex-con? Dear Lord, I've peed in front of him! Hey, check it out! Ha! Now that's a mural! It's so passionate. It almost leaps off the wall. Ooh.

Looks like he's about ready for another squeezin'. Homer! That side of bacon was for my bridge game tonight. Marge, if you don't mind, I'm a little busy right now... achieving financial independence. With cans of grease? No! Through savings and wise investments. Of course with grease!

Oh, my God. It's so beautiful. Hey, look, everybody. Marge is here. Oh, Homie. You got everyone in Springfield here for me. Honey, I couldn't keep 'em away if I tried. Except for Flanders.

Ah, perfect. Hey, hey. Hey, hey. Hey, hey. Hey, hey. We'd like to thank our sponsor, Hanson's Hypno-Coins. If you can find a sturdier hypno-coin, you buy it. Now, every year we find one Good Samaritan so deserving that not recognizing him...

Well, that's the last we'll see of them. Come on. We're going to Moe's.

Aha-ha! Prepare to die! You too. Aah! Rope burn! Oh! Oh! Charley horse! Charley horse!

Holy Toledo, it's good ! It's good ! It's good ! It's good ! It's... good to see you all in church. Please, be seated, Homer. Yeah, sit down, Homer. The ventriloquist goes to heaven, but the dummy doesn't.

They used to call me Grifty McGrift. I wrote the book on flimflammin'. Wow! He did! Yeah. In the Depression, you had to grift. Either that or work.

Queerly beloved, we're here to join Veronica and Patty in matrimony. But the news isn't all good. They've written their own vows. Patty? Veronica, in you I have found a soul mate.

Sir, have you no shame? Clearly, I don't. Now get your heinie off of Lisa Land!

(BOTH GRUNTING ANGRILY) Next? (GRUNTS) Can you make me look like this? (BOTH GRUNTING ANGRILY) Whoa! My bad boy spikes! My good girl points!

Who's Disco Stu? Hey, Mom! Hi, pumpkins! Kids! Back away, not today Disco lady Have you been in here all day? You missed all the fun. Skiing fanny first into a crevasse isn't my idea of fun.

All right, perps. We know you're in here somewhere. Well, well, well.

Ah, I'm afraid we've got to get out of the country. Capital idea. Let's blow this fascist Popsicle stand. We'll purchase a small island somewhere and start our own country, free from the relentless tyranny of Uncle Sam.

Yes. Yes. And you call them steamed hams despite the fact that they are obviously grilled. Ye-- You know, the-- One thing I should-- - Excuse me for one second. - Of course. Well, that was wonderful.

Oh, I'm not going anywhere. I already unpacked my delicates. Doesn't it bother you that you're breaking up our family? You know, I bet you and me could be friends. I could show you how to put on makeup. I'm eight years old. You could look seven.

Hey, there was no accident at the plant. Dad just wanted to go bowling. He shouldn't have deceived me, but I'm just so relieved Lenny's okay.

Look, if-- Stop that. If you wanted him that badly, why didn't you just say so? Smithers, dismember the corpse and send his widow a corsage. Whoo-hoo! I'm a college man! I won't need my high school diploma anymore!

Whoo! Gum ball! Oh, why do I even bother? I told that idiot to slice my sandwich. Ow! Wow, honey. You sold a house and got rid of the Flanders.

Well, yeah. But without the grease, all you can taste is the hog anus.

- Katherine Hepburn's Me? - No! Ohh! I suck! It was the most I ever threw up, and it changed my life forever. You the man, Homer! Thanks, boy. Now for the crowning touch.

still is sitting, still is sitting...

I wanna rent us up some movies. Wesley, get mama's pryin' bar. Easy does it now. Easy. Little more. Get-- Right-- Back-- I'll get your coat.

No. I don't need therapy. I'M fine, and it's too expensive. And I don't believe in it. It breaks up families. It turns wives against husbands, children against fathers, neighbors against me. You don't have to pay some fancy psychiatrist... ten bucks an hour to get top-notch therapy. Hello. Radio Psychic.

Enough talk. S-U-C-C-E-E-S! That's the way you spell succe--

but he never wants to play anymore since his bitch moved in. Don't ever say that word again! Well, that's what she is. I looked it up. Well, I'm going to write the dictionary people and have that checked. Feels like a mistake to me.

Face-Stuffers! Professor V.J. Cornucopia's Fantastic Foodmagorium and Great American Steakery.

Pipe down in there, Hutz!

Why don't we step into the credit office, Zeus ?

Cast your vote now for this year's king. Mardi Gras, eh? Didnt last year's king have to abdicate because he married a commoner? And I'd do it again. But I do miss the Royal Crown Cola. Ah, yes. The Kwik-E-Mart. I havent ben here since I robbed it dressed as Krusty.

I have feared it for long enough now. I'm going to go down to the Kwik-E-Mart, and I am going to face my demon! Oh, that'll work out great! We're out of Lucky Charms.

Anyway, it's you! Look, I'm really, really sorry. Now let me get that ice cream off your shoe. (SLURPING) Young man, there's something I have to show you. In one hour. We have to drive there. No talking on the way. It'll hurt the drama. - Can I just... - Shh. Drama.

No, I think it's Seltzer. What is it, Homer? I came up with a stage move I feel is very cool. Baby, baby, baby, baby- Weve gotta start using a cheaper oatmeal. Sorry, Mick!

You're pushin' me, baby! Hey! Wait! Stop! I have garbage! You guys are the lousiest garbagemen ever!

I'll have a brain burger with extra pus, please. Bart! Eyeball stew. Homer, we just got here, and already I'm mortified beyond belief by your embarrassing behavior.

Outstanding achievement in... The field of excellence!

"Radiant, cool, crazy nightmares. Zen New jersey nowhere."

Homer, if I may compliment you-- Yes. Go on. That is one handsome rattlesnake you got bitin' your arm there. Yeah, it's quite fetching. But, uh, aren't you worried about the deadliness? Nah, he'll get tired of bitin' in an hour or so. Snakes-- nature's quitters.

You saved us, Maggie!

But finding only slack-jawed gawkers, I gave up and collapsed on the sundial.

Oh, yeah? Ew! Lisa, honey, if it'll make you feel better, I'll destroy something Bart loves. - Hey! - Don't worry, Son. If that bothers you, I'll destroy something Maggie loves. Dad, you don't understand. This saxophone is like my oldest friend. I've had it for as long as I can remember.

Everyone gets a five-dollar cafeteria voucher. (ALL MOANING) And for your boy, a confectioner's card featuring a current baseballer. It's that rookie from the New York Nine. HOMER: Joe DiMaggio? Yes. It seems they've started letting ethnics into the big leagues. Oh, look! It's Kathy! How are things in Personnel? Excellent.

Oh, Home-- Gimme the key.

I'm so happy you're all here tonight. But please, just a few words of caution. Now, we are going to set this pile of evil ablaze, but because these are children's toys, the fire will spread quickly. So, please stand back, and try not to inhale the toxic fumes.

Bah! This is just another Hallmark holiday cooked up to sell cards. Ohh. A valentine from my granddaughter. Could I have the envelope? "To Moe-- from your secret admirer."

Aah..! Oh, fudge... That's broken. Fiddle-dee-dee. That will require a tetanus shot. I'm not going to swear

To separate yourself from the herd, just tattle on the cattle." Hmm. I say Phantom Menace sucked more! I say Attack of the Clones sucked more!

i'm A little teapot short and stout this is my handle this is my Spout the itsy-bitsy spider went up the waterspout Oh, yeah. Love that spout medley.

Hmm. Who's that goat-legged fellow? I like the cut of his jib. Uh, Prince of Darkness, sir. He's your 11:00.

I hope you realize that your father can't keep this up. You're making me give up Princess? We can't make you.

using Lisa's very own saxophone. Don't touch it! They can clone her from the spit. Good luck, Milhouse.

(MARGE GROANS) My head. (CHIRPING) (GROANING) (TICKING LOUDLY) (DRIPPING LOUDLY) (LOUD BRUSHING) (STOMPING)

Chop shop! Chop shop! (ZAPPING) Huh? (GASPS) Hey! You knocked out my power. How am I supposed to eat without watching TV? Yeah. Something tells me you won't starve, huh? (GROANS) Huh, chief?

Why don't you go wake him? What the--

Precious Venus. Thank you!

Yes? Yeah. Uh, hi. My-My name is Larry. I'm here to see Mr. Burns. Well, I hate to break it to you, Larry, but if Mr. Burns ever wants to see a stranger, he will observe him through a powerful telescope. Now, if you-- Smithers, what's going on?

Second comes right after first.

As soon as we nail Mendoza my old lady and I... are gonna sail around the world like we always wanted. We just christened a boat. Yes, sir, everything is gonna be just Perf--

Join the navy Join the navy. They're recruiting people with subliminal messages. Otto, what are you doing? I don't know. I just got an urge to join the navy.

Now, Bart, just look out the window. It'll take your mind off the pain. And when you're done, I've got more lollies. No, thanks. I already helped myself. See you later, inoculator.

And I'm Mrs. Homer Simpson.

No, I do not have a receipt. I won it as a door prize at the Star Trek convention, although I find their choice of prize highly illogical, as the average Trekker has no use for a medium-sized belt. Whoa, whoa. A fat, sarcastic Star Trek fan. You must be a devil with the ladies. Hey, I-- That-- Oh.

What is the point of all this?

Hmm. Then you better inject it between my toes, because my mom checks my arms. Thanks for everything, Kyle. Yes. I really don't think you two should leave.

Yee-haw! Blanks. They just don't feel the same.

Let's see. "Replace teachers with superintelligent cyborgs. Or, if cyborgs aren't invented yet, use people from the neighborhood." Talkin' outta turn, that's a paddlin'. Lookin' out the window, that's a paddlin'.

Hey, Coach, do you mind turning down the music? My baby's trying to take a nap. That's too bad because my twins are just waking up, dude. Encourage me. Looking good. Feel the burn. Louder! You're a god! I can't think of anymore.

Take a hike, you Shatner-stealing Mexico-touchers!

Washington! Whoo-hoo! However... What however? However what? However, I may also be so clouded with rage that subconsciously I want you to lose. In which case, I'd bet the farm on Buffalo.

Did you ever sit like this? Yes, yes, that's it. Oh, I could go for one of those right now. Ah! The only hard part is getting up. Why get up? Here's a little move I've been tinkering with.

You ducks are really trying my patience! But you're so cute.

We appreciate the offer, Marge, but I think we're gonna be very happy here.

See the twisted creatures that dwell within. Meet Cue Ball, the man with no hair! Huh? He's hideous! We have to do something. Marge, it'll cost $8,500.

You have chosen "No," meaning you've committed a crime but don't want to confess. A paddy wagon is now speeding to your home. Hey! While you wait, why not buy a police cap or t-shirt? You have the right to remain fabulous. Here it is, everybody--

Hmm. But behind the streamers and confetti, storm clouds were gathering. Figurative storm clouds.

I knew you'd need some help keeping it real, so I figured I could be like your copresident. Copresident? Are you crazy? Mom, Lisa won't share! Be nice to your brother, Lisa.

virtuous, heroic, nubile-- You left out pleasant! But I like that film biography idea. A slick, Hollywood picture to gloss over my evil rise to power, like Bugsy or Working Girl. Get me Steven Spielberg!

Young man, your gargantuan cone... is making a mockery of our self-serve policy. Bart, look. It's Principal Skinner, and I think he's gone crazy. He's not wearing a suit or tie or anything. Principal Skinner, um,

Well, she won first prize in the Springfield Art Fair and is the wife of an employee. She'll be easily intimidated. Excellent. Once again the wheel has turned... and Dame Fortune has hugged Montgomery Burns... to her sweet, perfumed bosom. Somebody up there likes me, Smithers. Somebody down here likes you too, Sir. shut up !

You see, Lisa, it's been an unlucky year for Laramie. A lot of the people who smoke our product have been, well, dying. And we need young smokers to take their place.

I am the god Ganesh! This wedding angers me! All will die unless it is stopped.

Mm-hmm. It doesn't sound very tractor-y. Hang on. And there. Now we're talking! - D'oh! - Dad! Go get Lassie! Lassie? I mean Lisa.

Can you see them? I can see Lisa. But it might be a Starfish. Yeesh! I gotta call 'em! The number you have dialed... can no longer be reached from this phone, you... negligent... monster. - Ohh! - That's it!

See, kids? That's what I meant by romance. The Itchy and Scratchy Show

Oh, Burly, you're so rugged and manly. Marge, a bee almost stung me today. I felt the wing go right by my ear. Oh, it's okay, Homie. The bee's all gone.

D'oh! Help! Help! - Somebody help me! I'm stuck in a banister! - Well? Nope. I don't feel a thing. That's creepy, Bart.

You read the "loves his daughter" by yourself? That's right, honey. You did it! Lisa thinks I'm the greatest. I might even put you to work on Bart and Maggie. Go super dad on all their asses. I believe there's still the matter of my expenses.

I admit Sergeant Skinner seems okay. But Mr. Tamzarian pulled himself up from the streets... and earned our respect and admiration. He lied about his name. His name doesn't matter. "A rose by any other name would smell as sweet." Not if you called 'em stench blossoms. Or crap weeds. I'd sure hate to get a dozen crap weeds for Valentine's Day.

Gotta go! Ahhh! What the hell was that? I probably shouldn't have eaten that packet of powdered gravy I found in the parking lot. Nice glasses, four eyes.

Uh, "Meltdown Alert"? "Mad Dog Drill"? "Blimp Attack"? Ah! I think a good old-fashioned fire drill today! All right. Popcorn's ready.

You brought food. just a few things. - Swedish meatballs. - Mm-hmm, and my trout almondine. You knew that I was cooking a turkey ! Which is fine. More power to ya. It's just that some people find your turkey a little dry. Mm-hmm. And if they want an option, they'll have it. Hmm !

Psst. Lisa, check it out. Tomorrow's fraction quiz. I'll give you the numerators free, but the denominators are gonna cost ya. I don't want your dirty denominators. Well, la-di-da, Lady "Cheaterly." - Can I at least keep you in my Rolodex? - No. I never cheated before, and I never will again.

Dad-- Go on and win. Go on and win without your dad. I'll just sit here in Li'l Lightnin' which the Simpsons built... and remember that for one brief shining moment... I had a son. Ow.

Everybody if you can do the bartman Shake your body turn it out if you cancan Do the bartman, yeah That is so 1991. Young man, the school dress code... specifically forbids the wearing of earrings...

We can't even pay our bills, and they're drinking Royal Crown Cola. Hey, hey. Go easy on the celebrities, huh? Yeah. What gives you the right?

But it's so cheap.

Hey, you know, we got feelings too, Chief. just dump your candy on the X-ray belt, Ralphie. There's a good boy. Safe. Safe. Razor blade. Syringe. Oh! White chocolate! Check it out, Lisa. I'm Radioactive Man. I don't think the real Radioactive Man...

This town has laws against impersonating movie characters. Oh, behave! Uh-- Oh. Luke, I am your father.

What's your name, son? Ralph. And is this your girlfriend, Ralph? Yes. I love Lisa Simpson, and when I grow up, I'm going to marry her! NO-O-O-o! Now, you listen to me! I don't like you! I never liked you!

Um, I love you. Let me give my special little winner a big, big, hug. Ma, I think I'm all hugged out. Ah, one more.

Nice meetin' ya. Just keep moving. Don't make eye contact. Ooh. Wow! just think what I could do with that plow. Homer, I've got to sneak these valuable artworks out of the White House,

Please. We call them senior citizens. Oh, look! (ALL COOING) A dog? What a nice surprise. I'm gonna pet you raw!

You brought food. just a few things. - Swedish meatballs. - Mm-hmm, and my trout almondine. You knew that I was cooking a turkey ! Which is fine. More power to ya. It's just that some people find your turkey a little dry. Mm-hmm.

Look out! What? Just a minute. Hmm?

Crank it, Homer. You busted up that crack house pretty bad, McGonigle. Did you really have to break so much furniture? You tell me, Chief. You had a pretty good view from behind your desk.

Oh ! Boy, you sure taught me a lesson. Whoo. Thanks, guys. I guess now all that's left is a hearty handshake.

Could you possibly watch the kids tonight? Oh, gee, I'd really love to want to help you, Flanders, but, uh, Marge was taken prisoner... in the... Holy Land, and--

Yeah. Another day, another box of stolen pens. Have a good night, Homer.

Help me! Help me! What's so funny? Oh. Uh,

Let it out, Marge. Laugh loud.

Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Smithers, why didn't you tell me about this market crash? Um, well, sir, it happened 25 years before I was born. Oh, that's your excuse for everything. I've got to do something to get my money back quickly. This calls for an aggressive trading strategy.

Simpson, what are you doing here? Why aren't you at work? I made a bad mistake and Lenny sent me home to think about what I did. But I don't remember what it was, so I'm watching TV. Well, Lenny's reign of terror is over. Mr. Burns bought the plant back this morning. And-- Enough chitchat. I need to see Lisa. I don't want to talk to you, Mr. Burns. Oh, I think you will.

He called me "Chief Piggum." Oh, now I get it. That's good. Sideshow Bob tried to kill me on our honeymoon. How many people in this court are thinking of killing her right now?

Oh. Oh, I get it. I get it.

getting high marks in school, or bad attention for, say, turning your father into jack-in-the-box. Homer, I see you agree with my theory. I'm not nodding. It's the air conditioning. That's too bad. The attention the boy craves should be coming from you. Spend some quality time with him. Get to know him. Maybe even love him.

Hey, this is fun, isn't it? We're going to die, aren't we? Hiya, Bart! Hiya, Bart! Well, class, the history of our country has been changed again... to correspond with Bart's test answers.

we'll look at the courageous Korean gymnast, Kim Huyang, who made a perfect dismount on what was later revealed to be a broken leg.

If, in fact, you've consumed the venom of the blowfish-- and from what the chef has told me, it's quite probable-- you have 24 hours to live.

Sixty minutes? Oh, my God! Mr. Burns has been in the tub for an hour! Oh, Mr. Burns. You were too beautiful for this world.

What am I supposed to do? Hmm. Suicide, eh?

Are you here to solve my ketchup problem? Yes. That's right. Wh-Where are you taking me? What's happening? Relax. You've gone off your nut, so we're stuffing you into an old folks' home.

Slow down, you sidewalk-surfin' cube-gleamers!

Uh, listen, Homer. Uh, hate to be a fussy Freddy and all, but Maude's folks are here, and, uh, they're a tad touchy about odors. Then you might want to close your windows before the sun hits Diaper Hill. Look, Daddy. I'm the king of the mountain! Rod, get off of there!

Hey, you beat me! What a great day we've had, huh? You know, for a clown, you're not really a lot of fun. Ohh. Boy, fatherhood is one tough gig. I don't get how other guys do it.

It killed his career. If you can tell me the name of that album, call our contest line now.

He ruined the one chance I had of getting to know Mr. Bergstrom outside of school.

Oh ! Sorry, sir. I didn't know it was you. That's okay. Carry on.

Talk about your runaway government.

If you freeze the frame,

Oh, what the heck, have me ! Come and get it ! All right, all right. You made your point.

Nooooo! Well, despite Bart's objections, the people of South Africa can now vote in free, democratic elections. My friends, Bob is a political prisoner.

Locker searches aren't permitted by the Supreme Court. Supreme Court. What have they done for us lately? Let's move. Hmm.

A round of applause please for Anastasia! She loves show business. So much nicer than the savagery of the jungle, ja? Hey, tiger! Wake up!

Wow, 25 puppies! An army of dogs! No bully will ever touch me again! Hey, jerk-face!

World domination? Oh, that might be a typo. Mental note: The girl knows too much. Mr. Simpson, how do you respond to the charge...

Hey, wait a minute. What are all these presents? It looks like you're "showering" Marge with gifts. Hmm, with little tiny baby-sized gifts. Well, I'll be in the tub.

Gabbo! Gabbo! Gabbo!

Uh, help me out of the booth, boys.

We're on a tight budget. Promise you won't get carried away. Yes, money-- I mean honey. Ooh! Here comes the news about the lottery. Hey, down in front.

Uh, Grampa, could you do something ? I can dress myself. Oh. Well, I was wondering. Do you think you could baby-sit the kids this weekend ? I wouldn't ask, except I'm desperate.

We get beat up, but we get an explanation. Beautiful colors. Never has-- Mayday! Mayday!

Show's over. Good night, Springden. There will be no encores. They were only on for 20 minutes. What a gyp. Gnarly show, man. Want to trash the stage? Okay.

If you can think of a better way to get ice, I'd like to hear it. Yeah. He's got us there. Beats me.

You abandoned your son to win $40? And a Blue Oyster Cult medallion. Cool. And that was more important than keeping your son out of trouble? Your Honor, if I may sing a little bit of "(Don't Fear) The Reaper,"

Every day at noon a bell rings, and they herd us in here for feeding time. And we sit around like cattle, chewing our cuds, dreading the inevitable-- Food fight !

Have you seen it? You accuse me of everything around here. "Who put slippers in the dishwasher?" "Who threw a cane at the TV?" "Who fell into the china hutch?"

People from all walks of life: - doctors... Hi-yaah!! - homemakers... - Hu-yaah!! - landscape architects... - Huhh-yah!! - choreographers... - Haww. High karate at low, low prices. I cannot tell a lie. This is a great deal. Hohh!

he has a new court-ordered sidekick-- Ms. No-Means-No. Whoa! You're hot! Let's get some dinner after the show. I have dinner with all my employees. Right, Sideshow Mel?

Oh, well, of course everything looks bad if you remember it. Now, where are my chili boots? Ah!

"Krus-s-s-t... Why..?" It says the little boy who never lost faith in you has lost faith in you. You will go to Bart Simpson's for dinner! But I have plans. Hey! Not the face! Why you maddening, impossible man! If you don't go tonight I won't be here tomorrow.

Wait a minute. I know that woman. But from when? And in what capacity? It's her! At last! This book must be out of date. I don't see Prussia, Siam or autogiro. Keep looking!

He's heading into Dead Man's Curve! Aaah! Get me out of here!

Hello? Uh-huh. Yes, Mrs. Bellamy. I'll be right there. That woman is taking advantage of you.

Great idea to smuggle fireworks, boss. Yeah, I was gettin' sick of running those unions. So much paperwork. Knock-knock. Excuse me. My friend and I were interested in purchasing quality fireworks. Yes, we are. Why, I'd be delighted to sell you some illegally smuggled goods.

Whate ver problems we ha ve, we have a lifetime to work them out together. So she didnt hate me. She married me because she loved me. And I still do. Marge, I never wanna be apart from you again. - Well, youll never have to. - Mwah! That is the best kiss I’ve had tonight.

Sir, the TV ratings for the launch are the highest in 10 years. - And how's the spacecraft doing? - I don't know. All this equipment is just used to measure TV ratings. It's beautiful.

Hey, wait a minute. These animals are stuffed. D'oh! Except that one. Don't worry about these critters. They're just props from my movies. This one's from Gunfight at the Museum of Natural History. You were in movies?

Good night, "Retch" Dude and "Slobber" Girl. Sweet screams. i'm unbelievably amused.

Hey, I'm the chief here. Bake him away, toys. What'd you say, Chief? Do what the kid says. Mm, it's so good to be home again. Look what happened without my pills!

Take off to the Great White North Over there you can see them shooting the film Canadian Graffiti.

Sean, you wanker...

'Cause you think I'm dynamic ? I don't think you're dynamic. You think I work well with others ? No, no, no, no, no. Homer, I gave you this job because you're an average schmo. Oh, great. All you need is a little self-confidence. Unky Herb, I don't know anything about cars. Listen to me ! Here's what you do. From now on, before you say anything, say to yourself,

Which book? The Bible! But, Reverend, (CHURCH BELL TOLLING) scriptural scholars disagree on the significance of depictions of marriage in Old Testament's descriptions. Jesus' teachings stress inclusiveness and compassion. (BELL CONTINUES TOLLING) Lovejoy's an idiot.

Oh, no, wait. Please, no. Please.

Campus? You guys are college students! Yeah. But with our small gymnast bodies, everyone always thinks we're way younger. Aren't you in college? Um-- Of course. Where do you think I go?

Isn't that a little big? You can just nurse it! (SLURPS) Nurse it. Nurse it. Have you ever walked on stilts? It's not that great. Yes. And you've said that several times now.

ts greasy like-a you. You’re gonna depreciate a Mafia don’s car? Hey, we're all gonna be murdered someday. Two, four, six, eight! ts time to re-illuminate! Mr. Mayor, you cant flip-flop on this. We'll miss the meteor shower.

Bart. Bart! Hey, Bart.

Quiet! The commercial's on! If we don't watch these, it's like we're stealing TV. Do you love that sweet smell of Farmer Billy's bacon? Do I ever? Would you like to see how a pig goes from loving life to your fork and knife? Would I?

Guten morgen. I am Horst. I'm speaking with you because I am the most nonthreatening. Perhaps I remind you of lovable Sergeant Schultz on Hogan's Heroes.

Oh, my God. What'll I do? What'll I do?

So, want to do a jigsaw puzzle tonight? Selma, I'm getting married in an hour. I know, I know. I'm just having trouble getting used to the idea of being alone. Don't lay that on me. You got married three times. Actually, four. You see, last week...

Ozzie and the straw

Or that noisily. All right, that's it. So, who wants to play a game? Hmm? Hmm? Hmm? Oh, that's a noodle-scratcher. Oh! Cornstarch! Oh, rightio! It's good for keeping down the urges.

My ex-boyfriend. Sara, Liebchen, take me back. lf tears could burst through my muscular ducts... I would cry like a baby who was just hit by a hammer.

- Cool. - Bart, stop pestering Satan! Your Honor, we find that Homer Simpson's soul... is legally the property of Marge Simpson, and not of the devil. - Ohh. - Yea! Whoo-hoo! Ow! Well, I didn't win. Here's your pizza. But we did win.

It's time for the main course! Back to class, lad. Nothin' to see here.

Let us kill the English. Their concept of individual rights... could undermine the power of our beloved tyrants. Yea!

Ah, for the days when aviation was a gentleman's pursuit. Back before every joe Sweat Sock could wedge himself behind a lunch tray... and jet off to Raleigh-Durham. Are you getting lots of bugs in your mouth too? Yes.

Choke on your lies! I'll teach you to--

No win No show No place just lose the stinkin' race And what if I refuse to lose? We'll eat your brain. My horse must lose

You did it, Dad! You can't prove I did it. No! You saved our lives. I could do a lot of things if I had some money. What? Now there's a picture.

J Long after the grilled cheese sandwich is gone JJ It would take a man of stone with a funny bone of steel to resist that. Homer, would you at least let me take you out on a date? I dont know. Date a chick with kids? Dad! All right, all right.

But if you ask me, if you're dumb enough to eat it, you deserve to die. Bart! What? I can't believe you're not still popular. What'd you do? Screw up like the Beatles and say you were bigger than jesus? All the time. It was the title of our second album. But we were about to learn an iron law of show business.

Man, that is flagrant false advertising!

She'll see through me like Grandma's underpants.

Uh, Ralph's a little afraid of the dark, Bart. Is it okay to sleep with a night-light? Absolutely. Good night, guys.

Step one-- find an activity to share. Does the boy have any interests? What boy? Your son.

nine years before Roger Myers made his first Itchy and Scratchy cartoon. That could have been drawn by anyone at anytime, Your Honor. There's no signature or date. Look under the frame, Brad. Careful. Careful. Whoops. It's there!

They took a photo of my keister for Stars and Stripes! At least they told me it was for Stars and Stripes.

I give you the Loch Ness Monster! Monty! Monty! Thank you. You're too kind. Yes, that's it. Let it all out. Clutch me to your common bosom. Hey, look. He's getting up.

Let's just grab him. Hey! But wait, you can't kill me for being Krusty. I'm not him! I'm Homer Simpson! The same Homer Simpson who crashed his car through the wall of our club?

Bart, you said you were going to study. Oh, my stomach! You just don't wanna take that test. No, I mean it. It really hurts. Mom, I think he's serious. Kids are so naive. Lisa, when you get to be our age, you'll learn a few things. Like when a sign says "Do not feed the bears"?

Why, looking into this loveable mutt's eyes just melts my heart. Seymour, all is forgiven. Make way for Willie! I said make way for Willie, ya bloated gasbag! Seymour. Hmm? You're fired!

I'm too excited to sleep. Anyone up for the Winifred Beecher Howe Memorial? - Who's that? - An early crusader for women's rights. She led the Floor Mop Rebellion of 1910. Later, she appeared on the highly unpopular 75-cent piece. Okay, but you don't know what you're missing.

"You know, Lisa, they say father knows best." "That's true, Bart. Our father knows the best way to embarrass his kids."

Birds! Cats! Flandereses! (CRYING OUT IN PAIN)

If only we had listened to that boy...

And then buy somethin' or get out! Angel. Hey, it's him! It's Santa's Little Helper!

Good lord! Put out an A.P.B.... on a Uosdwis R. Dewoh. Uh, better start with Greek town. That's Homer J. Simpson, Chief. You're reading it upside down. Uh, cancel that A.P.B. But, uh-- Oh, bring back some of them, uh, gyros. Uh, Chief, you're talking into your wallet.

Oh. Well, that's bad news for Dingbat Charlie. He's gonna be crushed. I thought our tennis court was bringing us a little respectability. Instead, people make fun of our lousiness. Okay. Now, some of that is me. All of that is you. You've gotta take this more seriously.

Wait a minute. That's Mom! Oh, my goodness! How gallant! Isn't that nice? Thank you.

Lisa, honey, you spelled the word wrong, but you did the right thing. Yeah. You’re the number one speller in this car... or in that car, or in that car, Or- Dont look at that car. My one chance for everyone to like me and I blew it. Wha-

Yeah, okay, all right. I need a price check on two grapes. Yeah, you heard me, Phil. Two measly, stinkin' grapes. If you didn't catch it in the theater, or rent it... or see it someplace else, we've got it... On the blockbuster channel ! Dad, why is the world such a cesspool of corruption ?

Oh, boy, I shouldn't have done that.

I know you're upset right now, so I'll pretend you didn't say that! The master craftsman can make three mailboxes an hour. I'm not licked yet. I can entertain myself.

Bye, Unky Herb. Good-bye, Herb. Gee, Herb, because of me, you lost your business, your home and all your possessions.

Ohh. I wanted to subscribe to that new Arts and Crafts Channel.

No, just captured. It's kind of a funny story, really. After five years in a secret P.O.W. camp, I was sold to China for slave labor. Since '77, I've been making sneakers at gunpoint... in a sweatshop in Huhan.

I've had it up to here with your "rules."

Scum, freezebag! I mean, freeze, scumbag. You cant write stuff like that. See, that's why sitcoms are dying. - Chief, it's just a ham. - Oh, thank goodness.

Why are my teeth showing like that ? Because you're smiling. Ah, excellent.

Maybe we should get another smoke detector in case that one trips out on us.

Wow, a clown. Do you think he's evil? He smells evil. Should we tell Daddy? No, let's poke him a little while longer. Hey, get away from him, you little freaks.

Thanks for poisoning the planet, bastard! Get bent! No more Chernobyls! Go to hell!

Hey, I'm paying for a silk-lined coffin,

I had the greatest gift of all-- a little girl who could pick football and I ruined it. We're two hours and 45 minutes through the pregame show. Our guest is Troy McClure whose new sitcom premiers tonight right after the game! Thanks, Bret. My new show's called Handle With Care.

"Clean but nauseous." With the rolling and the heaving and the you make me sick! You've disgraced the name of John Nerdlebaum Frink. But, Father, I... (SOBBING) We never spoke again.

"A," he'd say. Then "B." "C" would usually follow. Mayor Quimby supports revolving-door prisons. Mayor Quimby even released Sideshow Bob,

Huh? Help! Mr. Burns!

Well, I expect that type of language at Denny's, but not here! Aw, come on, folks, wait. Please come back. Please! I got a new offer. Whenever Uncle Moe threatens you, you get a free steak-fish. Okay, okay, Milhouse's grandmother lives on 257th Street,

What's really amazing is that... this is exactly what Dad said would happen.

Although the creature was ultimately released, the question remains, "Who was this Homer ?" Was it a man or was it, in fact, the legendary missing link known as Bigfoot ? Could I have some applesauce ? Specialists gathered at the Springfield Primate Institute... for a firsthand examination of the controversial creature.

Oh, that's very sweet. Have a Grammy. Uh--

Is there a chance the track could bend? Not on your life, my Hindu friend.

All right. All right. I'll sweeten the deal. You can see the game, you don't have to come back, but you have to promise not to commit any more crimes, okay?

Don't worry, Mrs. Simpson. We've helped hundreds of people in danger. We'll give you a new name, a new job, new identities.

And if you tell anyone-- Honey, I like it when you call, but we just talked five minutes ago. Hang on. I've got call waiting. Hello? Hey, it's me. I got Marge on the other line, and she is totally bumming me out.

Oh, don't make me choose. Shankar, Shankar-- Oh, here we go. Oh! Sorry. You Make me feel so young you make me feel so Spring has sprung

The Simpsons (TIRES SCREECHING) D'oh! (SCREAMING) (BRAKES SCREECHING)

Are you sure the children will get enough nutrition from these pretzels? Yes, I am sure. Sure as sure can be. Oh, my God. What happened to your fingers? Boating accident. I believe it was a "boaking" accident. I have to go now.

Homer, maybe I should drive. What? I can see fine. That had nothing to do with the bucket.

Yeah. I think you want that line. Ooh, he looks scary. Yeah. I'm shakin' in my silks. Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!

You good folks can rest easy because you've come to the very best in legal representation. Uh, excuse me. Is there an Orange julius stand on this floor? I'll sell you this one. It's almost full. Why don't I drink out of a toilet bowl? He'll be back. As for your case, don't you worry. I've argued in front of every judge in the state, often as a lawyer.

Hey, you're the guys who didn't like our capering. When you get to hell, tell 'em Itchy sent you.

How ironic. My crusade against television has come to an end so formulaic...

That's for besmirching an innocent girl's name! Why? I'm sorry, Bart. You know my parents can't find out about us. And besides, if it's secret, it's even more exciting. I guess.

You can't fire me! I quit! Please! I have a family. Relax, Dad, it's just me. I was wondering if you had any industrial-strength adhesive I could use on my face. Well, let's see what we got in the old drawer. Eh. Eh.

So, we're just gonna do this photo and get out, right? Bada bing, bada boom. I want to look at the pets, and write things on the typewriters, - and see if the new dictionaries are in. - Okay. I want to price some flip-flops, and smell the new tires, and consult the pharmacist for some free medical advice! Sure! We're gonna have a great day! Bada bing, bada boom! Right, Bart? Bart? What's wrong, honey?

Let's go to... that line. But that's the longest. Yes, but look-- all pathetic single men. Only cash, no chitchat. Mmm! Seventy-five, 85, 90 and a dollar.

For your information, I can take care of my... See? Got her on the first bounce. All aboard for Shelbyville, Badwater Cattle Skull Testing Grounds, and Rancho Relaxo.

Don't forget the smell. Will you get off my front lawn? Why don't you make me? Why? Oh, I give up. Well, don't worry about me, Dad.

Hey, I don't do the jewish stuff on the air. But, Hershel, bubbeleh-- Ix-nay on the ew-jay. Roll the cartoon. It's so sad that Krusty is ashamed of his roots.

Except for Flanders

could not contain the pure evil of... The Bloodening. Milhouse, do you see what's on Channel 6? Uh, yeah. It's really something. A registered nurse trained in the treatment of terror... will be on duty during the showing of The Bloodening.

(GROANS) (SNIFFING) Hmm. (PEOPLE CLAMORING) Please spare me. I'm not a murderer, I'm not. And I've never known the pleasures of a woman or a proper eating apple.

Die? Well, you don't scare me, Doc. 'Cause dyin' would be a stone groove! Got any messages for jimi Hendrix? Yes. Pick up your puppy.

Wow, now, that's something! Boo-yah! Wow, you must've told a whopper to unload that death trap.

Hmm. Mm-hmm. - Mmm! - Whoa! Careful there, Annie Oakley. I don't have to be careful. I got a gun. Well, you'll probably want the accessory kit. Holster. Oh, yeah. Bandolier. Baby. - Silencer. - Mm-hmm. Loudener. Oh!

Well, sir, we've got ourselves a classic nor'easter... meeting a classic sou'wester. Overnight, expect rain turning to freezing rain... turning to sleet turning to snow...

Let's re-up tonight Let's re-up tonight I'm outta here. You fool! Look what you've done! Well, now it's my turn. Don't do it, L.T.! You leave me no choice!

The preceding program contained scenes of extreme violence... and should not have been viewed by young children.

Hi, Odiddily-ysseus! Stupid king of Troy.

I wish there was some other explanation for this. But there isn't. I'm a murderer. I'm a murderer! Then that's not the real Ned Flanders. I'm a mur-diddly-urgler! If that's not Flanders, he's done his homework.

I smell smoke. Aaah! I see you Braves received our smoke signal. Wow. Neat-o. Awesome. Oh, no. The Pawnee have returned. They probably want their souls back.

we're the highlights in your hairdo the extra arms on Vishnu so don't take the-- We won't take the-- Yes, let's keep the--

(CHUCKLING) (PEOPLE CHEERING)

What are you doing with my children? We're taking them where you can't get them! What? No! No! You can't! I won't let you!

what about us brain-dead slobs you'll be given cushy Jobs were you sent here by the devil no, good Sir I'm on the level

No. Because they pass the savings on to me, the consumer. Arent you ashamed to lend your likeness to substandard food? Look, I give people a meatlike burger and some kind of cola... and they still get change back from their 50. Well, your customers may be shocked by my footage of you...

(PLAYING JAZZ MUSIC) (SCREECHING) (THUD)

Same old space, huh, Dad?

Great, Martin. Now, big test is tomorrow and I haven't even started-- Who cares about some test ? Life's too short for tests. Hey, I thought we had a deal. Ha ha ha ! The Martin Prince you made a deal with no longer exists. Come on, fellows ! To the arcade ! Cool, Martin ! All right, Martin !

Oh, there's a way, Mom. So, Twiggy, I hear you and your husband, Woody, just had a baby. What did you name him? Chip. Take it off! - All right, Dad. You've been warned. Let's go. - Hey! - Come on. - Easy.

But I bet underneath he's a sweet, sensitive person-- like you. I guess you could say I want to bring out the Milhouse in Nelson. But I'm all Milhouse! Plus my mom says I'm the handsomest guy in school!

Again and again! And again and again and again!

Number 8-- I mean, Santa's Little Helper.

What you doing, sweetie? I'm drawing a picture of my newest hero. Pie Man! Gee, I thought I had a bigger package than that. That's really sweet, honey. (BART GROANS) Aw. Hey, let's turn that frown upside down.

You're making people happy, and that's a very hard thing to do. You're right, Mom. I shouldn't let this bother me. I'm in television now. It's my job to be repetitive. My job. My job. Repetitiveness is my job.

We're watchin' the TV. Man has always loved his buildings.

It sure is, Billy. It sure is.

But a quicker way to the ranch is that shortcut. Thanks, darlin'. See you at the dance. I look forward to it. I hate you.

He's the bestest dog ever. He's light brown and he has a spot on him shaped like a heart. Sorry, son. But-- I just gotta get him back! Or if not him, a similar dog. Dog for sale! Dog for sale!

Oh, my God! The ship! We'll all be killed! The light! We gotta get the light back on! Jonathan Livingston Seagull! We're on a collision course! Hard to starboard! Uh, port?

Here's your special delivery. Thanks. That's for keepin' me waiting.

chief hydrological engineer a calling. Yes, yes. The Cappadocians. Fine.

There's an awful lot of black smoke coming from my chimney. Mr. Hutz, why are you burning all your personal papers? As of this moment, Lionel Hutz no longer exists. Say hello to Miguel Sanchez.

Seymour, tell me what time it is, now! 7:00, Friday night, Mother.

Children, I don't know how to break this to you, but Principal Skinner is... missing. Uh-oh.

I'd like to withdraw my life savings, please. And hurry! Uh, sir, this is a joint account. Uh, you'll need your wife's signature too. Oh! Yes, of course. Yeah. Uh, she's behind that plant.

Looks like it. Run and get Daddy's exorcism tongs. Yea! Honey, if you don't wanna take the medicine, we won't force you. Really? Yes, I just thought you might love me enough to let me help you.

Please, Dad. Please, Dad. Please, Dad. Please, Dad. No. No. No. No. Please, Dad. Please, Dad. Please, Dad. No. No. No ! Now, look, son, we all know that usually when you bug me like this, I give in, so I'm not mad at you for trying. Shows you've been paying attention. But we all know I'm not gonna give you $100. Now, are you gonna stop bugging me ? Are you ? Are you ? No. No. No.

Sometimes he doesn't know whether he's coming or going.

Oh. Well, I wanted to write "Disco Stud," but I ran out of space. Not that Disco Stu didn't get his share of the action. So, if you're looking for a half bag of charcoal briquettes... or an artificial Christmas tree, trunk only, come on over to the Hibbert table, pronto!

Whoa! Settle down, Normie. You gotta save those pipes for karaoke. I love you guys.

You just can't see the big picture. If I stick to my guns, the boy could wind up... chief justice of the Supreme Court. If I fail, the best he could do... is judge at a Mr. Tight Buns competition. I can't let that happen. I won't let that happen. And I can't let that happen.

Next week on Behind the Laughter: Huckleberry Hound. I was so gay. But I couldn't tell anyone.

(SCREAMS) Gnomes! (GRUNTS) (BOTH GASPING) (BOTH PANTING) Oh, Dad. How I'll miss your cap, your walking stick, your plaster base. ABE: I'm down here, you idiot.

I think there's really something wrong with Santa's Little Helper. He was up barking all night and dug up the backyard worse than ever. My bongo drums! My strobe light! My Best of Ray Stevens Featuring "The Streak" album. So it was the dog that buried all our stuff. Yes, the dog.

Wait. That was all a dream.

Excuse me, ma'am. Have you seen this little girl? Uh, I'd love to help you, pal, but I'm on a stakeout here. Yoink! Ha-ha! Oh-- Oh, great! Somebody stop that awful, awful man!

I would like to eat its children. So long, suckers!

Ow! Hey! Ow! Sweetheart, what's the matter? Not getting enough of the good stuff? D'oh!

Here's your quote. "Thomas Pynchon loved this book "almost as much as he loves cameras." Hey, over here! Have your picture taken with a reclusive author. Today only, we'll throw in a free autograph. But wait! There's more!

Good luck, Homer. No hard feelings. Not so easy to keep your mouth shut now, is it, Flanders? Ready, set, hut, hut!

200 channels, nothin' but cats.

But, Reverend... Damn Flanders. Hey, Lise, a moment of your time.

Mmm, I don't know, Bart. You're only 10. I've got a weekend job helping the poor, and I'm only eight. That's not a job. It's a waste of time. What can poor people pay you? Nothin'! What satisfaction do you get from helping them? None! Who wants to help poor people anyway? Nobody!

It's a lot like the 20th except everybody's afraid, and the stock market is much lower. Polly don't like that cracker. I'm getting me a real spleen and then I'm gonna vent it on you, boychik. Oi! Shoving. It almost sounded like he plans to tear organs out of living people.

And check this out. A walk-in microwave. Hey, Marge, can you press "stop" when my popcorn's done? Uh-oh. (HUMMING) Hmm.

I returned to my first love-- the legitimate theater.

I'm afraid we have a bad image, sir. Market research shows people see you as something of an ogre. I ought to club them and eat their bones! Well, maybe this film festival could help us. A film biography might let them get to know the real you-- virtuous, heroic, nubile--

And ? I'm worried that you're making too big a deal... of this silly little kiddie golf tournament. But, Marge, this is our big chance to show up the Flandereses. I'm sure it is, but why do we want to do that ? Because sometimes the only way you can feel good about yourself... is by making someone else look bad. And I'm tired of making other people feel good about themselves.

Could we turn up the house lights? That was the cue to turn up the lights so we can tell the audience they're the sixth member of the freakin' group! We are trying to put a tiny thrill into their gray little lives. Oh, forget it.

Go Crazy? Don't mind if I do! Stay away from me, Homer!

Oh! Come here-- Get-- Uh! Come on! Fit, you! Huh? Ahh! Yeah, that's one fine-looking barbecue pit. Why doesn't mine look like that?

Mmm, mmm, sounds terrif ! The joke's on him. I'll be dead by then. I'm trying to get-- Is that it ? This is a videotape for my daughter Maggie. Hi, Maggie.

And so we reach the bottom of the barrel-- Nelson Muntz. The cold, hard process of elimination places the "H"... squarely in your locker.

Ezekiel and Ishmael in accordance with your parents' wishes you may step out into the hall and pray for our souls. Hello. I'm actor Troy McClure. You kids might remember me from such educational films as Lead Paint: Delicious But Deadly and Here Comes The Metric System.

How are things at home? Oh, couldn't be better.

Look! It's Mrs. Potato Head. She has a head made out of lettuce. I can't believe I used to go out with you. Are you gonna marry a carrot, Lisa?

Bart, there are students in this class with a chance to do well. Will you stop bothering them ? He's not bothering me, Mrs. Krabappel. I'm finished. May I go outside and read under a tree ? Certainly, Martin.

Pi is exactly three!

I feel good I knew that I would Mmm. Uh-oh. The professor said not to let him get a boner. I got you

Mmm! Here he is, Rex Harrison and Paul Anka rolled into one. Ooh! That tonic really works. You and Grampa should bottle it and go into business. You want me to spend more time with Dad? What about my New Year's resolution?

Bastard! He's always one step ahead. Oh! I'd sell my soul for a doughnut! Well, that can be arranged. Flanders! You're the devil? It's always the one you least suspect. Now, many people offer to sell their souls... without reflecting upon the grave ramifica--

Now, Son, they do a lot of quality programming too.

Oh, you poor, unfortunate man. Let's get you out of those clothes immediately. And we'll do whatever we can about the smell. But I-- All right. Oh, come on! We've been here for 15 minutes.

Oh. I saw your car by the gate, and I-- I thought you might be lost hikers.

Tie game? What the hell?

You ladies are without a doubt the most sorrowful clique at the dance. Not one of you fit to guard a Russian rock band. However, your checks have cleared, so you all graduate. Congratulations. And, now, in honor of your achievement,

- Son, can I have cuts? - No! - Back cuts? - Okay. Sweet. Hey! Wait a minute. If we're all out here, who's in there? (ALL GASP) Maggie's locked inside! Now calm down. I'll just unlock it with this coat hanger.

Attention, everyone! l was asked to take a dive, but I wont do it. l-N-T-R-A-N-S-l-G-A-N-C-EI

and tardy taxpayers are scrambling to mail their returns by midnight. Sir, why did you wait until the last minute to pay your taxes? Taxes? Isn't this the line for Metallica? Sir, why did you wait until the last minute to pay your taxes? Because I'm an idiot! Happy? Of course, not everyone is an idiot.

What do you want? His cholesterol's through the roof. I want you to take that monkey back... so he can be rehabilitated and get a second chance. No, no. He's fine. Go on, Mojo. Show Marge your happy dance.

Stop! We have reached the limits of what rectal probing can teach us.

And nipple piercing. Dont worry. They're clip-ons. Behold the delightful unicorn I got at the face-painting pavilion. Dude, that was a tattoo parlor.

Duck, duck, duck, duck. Say "goose," you stupid freak! (CRYING) (GROANS)

followed by a round of frosty chocolate milkshakes ? All right ! I was going to wash my hair. And I'm studying for the math fair. If I win, I'll bring home a brand-new protractor.

If I'm alive, they'll cut it down. You are not pretending to be dead, young lady. This family has had nothing but bad luck when it comes to farce. Homer, it's Neddie. I baked you a little something to ease the pain. Oh! Must hide Lisa!

After they shoot your movies, who gets the leftover film? Is it true that if I kill you, I become you? Yech! This looks like a job for my authorized look-alike. Hi. I'm Chuck. I live in his trunk. So how much you look-alikes make? 'Cause some say I look like Macaulay Culkin.

Yeah, baby! You gol ldidn1 think it was possible... but watching him makes me more lesbian. Lesbian? This isnt my army reunion. - You’re coming home with me. - Yes, Colonel.

Sure is nice to be shopping for a woman again. The last thing I bought for a lady was a casket. Sir, would you ask your sweetheart to sign her autograph for me? Well, of course- Wait a minute. This is to adopt two of your kids. Oh, so it is. I’ve already dumped three on Mia Farrow. Sucker.

I'm impressed you were able to write so legibly on your own butt. All right, mates. Let 'em have it!

- Greetings, friend-- - Dang! I told you to unplug the phone. But it could be my mother. Howdy-- Shoot! Greetings, friend-- That is it, Ned. If you don't unplug that phone right now, you're sleeping on the lawn. Will you two shut up? People are trying to sleep!

Absolutely. (GAGGING) Get back down there, you! (GRUNTING) You were saying? Well, it's like this. I'm a proper Cockney flower girl, I am. And I sees this real strange bloke. Uh-huh. Out of sorts. Mad in the eyes. All kettles and biscuits. Right. Well, he seen I was looking at him... Mmm-hmm.

Those fellas should really consider sippy cups.

Ow! Oh! Ow, my leg!

That one looks just like the statue of our town founder, jebediah Springfield. Does not. Does too. I mean, without the head, of course. Oh, yeah.

No, Dad. She made a fool out of me.

Yes, he does. He's on his way. And when he gets here, we'll have ever so much fun. You'll see. (LAUGHING) We'll laugh! (SCREAMS) (LAUGHING) (GROANS) (GASPS) Homer! (LAUGHING WEAKLY)

It's a ringtoss game. All right, that's it. I'm shutting this game down.

Duh, look at me. I'm Principal Skinner. That young man just became the boy of a thousand days detention. I wonder what lunch lady Doris has for us today. Today's special is refried dog poop.

And as soon as you're not a human being, you're a human doing. Then what comes next? A human going! Bart, be quiet. Son, that's wonderful. Come here. Come up here.

that shiny tongue sticking out of his mouth, razzing my entire career-- my-- my life. Before the dust could settle, I pocketed it. But I thought I had you fooled. You did. Until I realized that jebediah's confession was saying more than he meant it to.

Pa, can ya help me with my sums?

It's Maggie. Oh, Maggie. I got nothin' against Maggie. I can see you sincerely want your children back. But you have a lot to learn about being parents. Before I can return your children, you'll have to complete a course called family skills. It teaches parents to listen to their-- Communication. Gotcha.

Aha! Not even Xena is a match for... the limited edition double-edged lightsaber... from Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace.

It's carnival time! Here's money, kids. Take what you need. Oh, boy! Free money! All right, free money! Whoa! Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding!

Please let me come on one of your smuggling runs.

(LOUD MUSIC PLAYING) Turn that down. Screw you. (GRUNTS)

Eee ! Wow ! In a moment, we will show you a picture of the real Baby-sitter Bandit, Miss Lucille Botzcowski. Remember, she may be using a clever alias... Botz !

Uh-oh. This is all Bart's fault. Let's get him. I blame him. He's killed us all. I want some taquitos. Leave him alone! Sure, Bart's responsible for our deaths.

Look at me! I'm a big man! But I break just like a little girl. Well, this was a disaster. I should've known. The same thing happened on Saved by the Bell. Care for a milk? No, thank you.

Will you at least do the dishes? Lisa, I'll do the dishes when I pick it out of the chore hat and it's not a practice. See, there it is. But that was a practice. The system worked.

Well, that's great, Dad. Except you were supposed to drive us to the newspaper. D'oh! Welcome to the Springfield Shopper, established in 1883. The newspaper was founded by johnny Newspaperseed,

This place is amazing. Kiosks, outdoor study groups-- Lisa, where have you been? In heaven.

That Andy Capp was onto something. Uh! That antenna is an eyesore. Just pretend it's a tree, honey. Or as we say at Omnitouch, a progress tree. Yeah? Well, I hope it doesn't hum too loud. I have a ton of homework to do. And if I don't finish it by-- My room!

Ooh, yeah Hey, everybody! How are you doing? Hey, what's up there? I love this song. Hey, Chief. Shut up! I love this song. Ooh, yeah. Shut up, Lou!

Emergency call. Gotta go. What should we do until you get back? Put a pan down there.

Hello. I'm Cornelius Talmadge. My family brought me here on Monday, but I broke free and went on a bit of a bender. Wait a minute. If you're Cornelius Talmadge, then who's--

D'oh! Come on! Come on! Come on, Maggie. You can trust me. Come to Daddy! Come to Daddy. Come to Daddy! I'm sorry, Maggie. I never realized things between us had gotten this bad.

- Do you? - Yes, I certainly do. Hello there, Itchy. I know there's a lot of people who don't like me and wish I would go away, and I think we got off on the wrong foot. I know I can come off a little proactive, and for that I'm sorry.

My Spidey sense is tingling. Anybody call for a web-slinger? No, Celeste. I mean, the things she says are sexist.

Well, I'm hot-blooded check it and see I got A fever of A hundred and three Come on, baby do you do more than dance I'm hot-blooded I'm hot-blooded

That's my dog, man. So long, lamp.

a Jones that's chipper,

Well, sir, it has been an uneventful week in Badger Falls, where the women are robust, the men are pink-cheeked, and the children are pink-cheeked and robust.

Wow! The Q-tip he used to kill Ross Perot. Oh, everything in your house is so cool. What's your house like? Oh, it's okay. My bed is stuffed with hay. Bart, you're so funny. Yeah.

But you promised to help me move. Ah, geez. Door, Marge. I'm looking for... Homer Simpson.

What was that? Sigh. Hmm? There you are! Thought you could get away, huh? Good-bye.

P.U. When is this over ? It ain't over till the fat lady sings. Is that one fat enough for you, son ?

Let's re-up tonight Let's re-up tonight

I guess this is the end, Wendell. He's Wendell. I'm Lewis. Whatever. just tell Wendell I said bye.

Oh, I'm afraid your eating days are over. How long do I have to live, Doc? I'm amazed you're alive now.

Back in my day, we had people who stood up to ruffians. We called them men. I agree with the hideous crone! Yeah! Hear! Hear! She is ugly! I think I speak for myself, Comic Book Guy and Bumblebee Man...

Oh. I hope this doesn't get into the Bible.

Don't mention it, Miss... October.

Lisa, ordinarily I'd say you should stand up for what you believe in. But you've been doing that an awful lot lately. Yeah. You made us march in that Gay Rights Parade. And we can't watch Fox, 'cause they own those chemical weapon plants in Syria.

Ooh. I can't believe they let a girl in. Don't worry. We'll drive her out of the academy. That is why God created hazing. Get in there.

Hey, pal, I heard about the couch. Yeah, you going to be okay? Yeah. You know, my life just can't get any worse.

(GRUNTS) You heard the lady! Clean your plate! Savor it. Let the flavors dance on your palate. Mmm, mmm.

Who says I did it? Who else would? Aw... you be good. I will.

Drive slow, but not too slow. Drink some cola to keep yourself alert. What the... (GROANS) Nice work, cruise control.

Well, there must have been a mistake. My body is a temple. Guards, remove this coked-out man-balloon from my sight! But he misread my pee! He misread my pee! (CRYING)

That was my insulin! Uh-oh, SpaghettiOs!

Well, you gotta hand it to those dolphins. They just wanted it more.

Way to guard the parking lot, Top Gun! I have three medals for this. Hey! Where is Sideshow Bob and that guy who, uh, eats people and takes their faces? I'm right here, Chief. Oh. Then where's Sideshow Bob? Uh, he ran off.

Another cover? My God! Let it die. Everybody in the U.S.A.

Take down the clown! Take down the clown! Listen, I'm on your side. Let's get a dialogue going.

Why stop there, Homer? My militia has a secret plan... to beat up all sorts of government officials. That'll teach 'em to drag their feet on high definition TV! - You're under arrest for conspiracy! - Oh! Oh! Hey, how did they finger Charlie? Somebody must've ratted him out! Oh, that's ridiculous, Moe. End transmission.

"When I read your letters, I feel as if you are right here watching me."

Spring break is over. It's time to get back to our studies. The world looks to us, the college students, for leadership. Fine. Be nerds. I'll find some people who know the true meaning of the words "par-tay." Louie Louie Oh, no i said we gotta go

If I were gay, there'd be no problem. No, what I have is a romantic abnormality,

I blame the Internet. And the return of swing music.

(MOANING) I'm sorry, sir. The computer says the movie Chocolate Star Wars doesn't exist. I say you don't exist!

Homer, this cheese doodle is our last morsel of food. You'll thank me when we're fryin' up a big, juicy fish. Godspeed, little doodle. He'll be back.

All right! Here comes the implosion. "Implosion"? But I thought you said-- Hockey puck! Don Rickles zinged you, Marge. Dust!

I'll get back to you. Come on! Keep it comin'! Over. Over. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Hi, Homer! Oh, I hate that sound. According to this book, the monorail goes over 150 miles an hour.

How can I read my essay now? I don't believe my own words.

Heads up! Here comes the real comptroller. This grant ensures a lightbulb in every classroom... and a high-definition TV for the teachers' lounge. Now, where's the little girl who made this grant possible?

Uh-oh. No refunds. Force majeure. Read the back of your ticket.

If he starts doing Lisa's wood chopping-- If he wants to make it up to you so badly, I think you should let him. Okay, okay. I'll let him. But then I get a Chipwich. Okay? It is an honor to begin repaying my debt to you. Back in Rahmatpur, I was considered quite the gourmet. Hmm. It certainly is exotic.

Whatever. The point is, I'm Homer Simpson. The mayor of New Springfield? That's right. The crazy mayor of New Springfield? That's right.

Give me back my belly fruit! If you want, I'll call you after Brandine's next litter. Yeah, pass.

Pierce, that was delicious! Can we help you with the dishes? Marge, what kind of cybertronic ultrobot would I be... if I let those beautiful hands touch dishwater? Oh! No, I'm asking. - Oh. Uh, not a very good one? - Damn straight.

We'd better call Ned. He has a ladder. What's going on here? I'm so bulgy. My stomach sticks way out in front and my--

Mmm! Well, Marge, if that was my last meal, I'd tell the warden, "Bring on the lethal injection!"

And you led us to the precious ivory. And, of course, your lovable pet, who it's connected to. Dad, I can't let you sell him. Stampy and I are friends. Ow! Anyway, I want him to go to that animal refuge. Forget it! That elephant cost me thousands of dollars.

What are you doing in my corpse hatch? Montgomery Burns, you're under arrest for murder. Uh, did I say corpse hatch? I meant "innocence tube."

Hey, Bart-Bart, looks like a beautiful day to swipe some "pic-i-nic" baskets. But, "Homi," Ranger Ned's not gonna like that. I'll handle Ranger Ned. After all, I'm smarter than the average bear.

I just can't believe a man we sat and drank with all these years... could do such a horrible thing. We've all got that voice in our heads telling us to kill. You just have to drown it out. I've been working on the railroad all the livelong day Yeah, that's better. Oh, man, what a day. I'd kill for a beer.

And I'm sure a pro wrestler such as yourself will appreciate all the closet space, Hitman. Ew. This place has got old man stink.

Now over the years, a newsman learns a number of things... that for one reason or another he just cannot report. It doesn't seem to matter now. So the following people are gay. - Turn it off. - just a second.

He's the Chosen One.

I'll never be a popular, beloved billionaire like Arthur Fortune. Oh, Arthur Fortune. You know what that fabulous man just did? He gave the Springfield Zoo two male pandas... and got them to mate successfully. And a stunt like that impresses people?

We're just going to have to make a few sacrifices. Homer, you're going to have to give up beer for a while. Bart, you'll have to get your hair cut for free at Springfield Barber College. No problemo. I'll give up my weekly lottery ticket and I can stretch the food budget.

What have I done ? I mean, the zoo was fun, but... I'm ruined ! Bye, Unky Herb. Good-bye, Herb. Gee, Herb, because of me, you lost your business,

Hey. You seen Apu lately? He looks terrible. Yeah. Rumor has it Marge threw him out. Aw, tough break. She's a beautiful lady. You got that straight, Barn. To Marge!

Right right 'Cause you...

Next week on Behind the Laughter: Huckleberry Hound. I was so gay. But I couldn't tell anyone.

You can't stay in there forever ! I can try. March your butt right out here, now ! No way, man. But-- Son, if you don't come out, I can't hug you and kiss you and make you feel all better. You think I'm dumb enough to fall for that ? I'm insulted.

You may ask me three questions. That's great, because all I need is one. Are you really the head of the Kwik-E-Mart? Yes. Really? Yes. You? Yes. I hope this has been enlightening for you.

Hey, Mom, can I sleep over at Milhouse's? I thought you were playing catch with Artie. Yeah. But after the ice cream man cut up his credit card, he got a little depressed. Oh, my! Well, Homer, maybe you should take him to Moe's. Come on, little fella. You're hanging with me tonight.

Hiya, Scratchy. Gazah! Gazah! Gazah! You're grinding my head! During the war, Eleanor Roosevelt was the voice of Scratchy.

Huh! Ohh! Bart! Lisa! Time for church! Milhouse, time for church! Shlomo, time for your violin lesson!

Hasta la vista, Abie. Come on, boy! Finish him off!

I just soaked up the lingo like a biscuit... in a bucket full of gopher gravy. I'll stop now. I like it here too. Luke has shown me the gentle side of the Old West. He's really sophisticated for a 13-year-old. Thir-what-year-old? Lisa, you're only eight. But when he's 23, I'll be 18.

You love ballet. Yet, you fear the boys will laugh at you, no?

What the..? Aaaaahh! I'm telling mom and dad. Who? Mom and dad. Jinx! You can't talk till somebody says your name

Ooh! Stomach churning! Bowels clenching. Not much time. Must finish.

(TIRES SCREECHING) CHILDREN: Woah! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Oh, I'm not worried.

- Okay, I'll take you. - Yea!

God, he eats like a pig. I don't know. Pigs tend to chew. I'd say he eats more like a duck.

We never spoke again. Well, where is he now? Maybe I can help you two patch up your differences. Uh... You'll need to patch up more than that. Whoa! Did a shark do that? Yes. He was testing out a new blood-based suntan lotion.

We love you, boy. Good doggy. Good doggy.

- You see me as a god, right, Smithers? - Absolutely, sir.

just stick it in the refrigerator when you're done, Bart. Bart ? See, Maggie ? Those silver and blue guys... are the Dallas Cowboys. They're Daddy's favorite team, and he wants 'em to lose by less than five and a half points, understand ?

That game was fixed. They were using a freaking ladder, for God's sakes.

I got the idea from a now discredited book on raising children. (GAVEL BANGS) Now up, the case of Simpson v. Simpson. Mr. Simpson, do you think it's appropriate for a 10-year-old boy to steal a beer with intent to kiss? Do you think it was appropriate to bet against your son's little league team?

Cecil. And now to kill you. There may be a slight ringing in your ears. Fortunately, you'll be nowhere near them.

I did it! I changed the world. Now I know exactly how God feels. Do you want turkey sausage or ham? Bring me two of every animal.

No, you didn't ! Well, that's not my recollection. Yeah ? Well, all right, good-bye. He says he mentioned it five or six times. Let's go, children. Aw, gee, Marge. Homer--

Hmm? Bart? Uh-- Um-- Hmm? Uh-- Mmm-- Uh-- - Oh, pick me, teacher! I'm ever so smart. - Uh-- It's "photosynthesis"! Damn your feeble brain!

Hurry up, boys. We've gotta get these toy poodles to the pet shop. All right, Fat Tony, your little game is over! Hey, how'd you find us? One of these ferrets is wearin' a wire.

Oh, that's it, baby. All for Moe. Oh, yeah, work the slot. Show me the package. Whoa. That's-That's a project I'm workin' on. Sorry.

And on behalf of America, I'd like to-- Ow! All right, Lovejoy! You're gonna get it. Hello? Hello? I command you to answer me! Hello? Al, do you have to do that right now?

He's getting away! Oh, not the Harrier! We've got a war tomorrow. God bless the idiot-proof Air Force.

Yeah. I was wondering if you could help save my soul. I've done stuff I ain't proud of. And the stuff I am proud of is disgusting. But what are we supposed to do on Wednesday? Lie naked on our roof? Because that girls' school says I can't do that no more. When the time comes, we won't be in our homes because we're all gonna go here.

Ha ! Oh, yeah ? You and what army ? This one. Artillery, commence saturation bombing !

You mean..? Welcome aboard, son. I got the job. I got the job! Whoo hoo! Only in America could I get a job.

Can't you give me anything for it? I can give you this telephone. It is shaped like Mary Worth. No groaning in my store. Oh, my favorite song.

What? I paid 7.10 for this split. Will you at least call it a "banana split," you dumb wad? Hey, spare me your gutter mouth! Ow. Ow!

Hip, hip-- Mom, don't. Hip, hip-- We heard you the first time. Hip, hip-- Hey, I'm trying to drive here.

No. Failed again.

This is crazy. I'm not a witch! Ha! Then how come your laundry is always much whiter than mine? I've heard enough. Burn her!

I'm sorry, honey. Geez, why is Lisa so mad at me? I only came to this dump so I could be with her. And what happened to my big sandwich?

Silence! Here they are, the Party Posse!

I'm sorry, guys. We're shuttin' down for a while. Sorry.

You'll live to regret this! Oh, thanks a lot. Now I look crazy.

What are you spraying me with? Rum-- so no one will believe your story! And don't come back.

I don't know if I'm ever gonna find her. Aw, Dad. I wish there was something I could do. Touch that mini bar and you're dead! Oh...

Maude? Rod? Todd? I'm right here, Daddy. Oh, Neddy, it was terrifying. I thought I was headed for the eternal bliss of paradise.

Way to go, dude. You're 5 cents away from an awesome beverage or snack. (GRUNTS) Oh, I'm out of money! Willie! You want to buy my skateboard? Hey, why not?

- Homer, stop picking at it. - Oh! But I'm so sweet and tasty. Well, time to go to work. Dad, I wouldn't go outside if I were you. Don't worry, boys. He's gotta come out of there sometime.

Next weekend, we're having our annual war games. Now, Simpson, because of your many years as a nuclear technician, we're putting you on a nuclear sub. "NUC-u-lar"! It's pronounced, "nuc-u-lar." Oh, whatever. "NUC-u-lar."

Wait a minute. This sounds like rock and/or roll. And walk this land

Homer, I can't get the baby to burp. Could you try for a while? No problem. I'll just give her a sip of beer. Come on, Maggie, it's Miller time. Yes, it's Miller time. Homer!

It's time to give my brain its last meal. Oh, Kenny. Look at the interplay of light and shadow. It's so luminous and vibrant! Thanks, Lisa. I painted that one. The real one's in my garage.

(RAP MUSIC PLAYING) A-blowin' reveille He's the boogie woogie bugle boy of Company B Check out the well-aged beef. No scar. He must be on his first heart! I wouldn't kick him out of bed for dying.

But that's what a fat girl would say. Lise, look! (GASPS) Now I know there's a handsome young man behind all that hair and dirt.

Boy, would my face have been red. Stop laughing, you imbecile. Don't you realize how close you just came to killing yourself?

They're for novelty purposes only. If a few bad apples use 'em for cheating, I can't be held responsible. Forget it. I'd rather get a zero. Good for you, lass. I got me a zero once, and my life turned out just fine. Ach! Whoa-ho! That's a nasty clog.

I'm not going to live in a house of evil just to save a few dollars.

Oh, Homer, of course you'll have a bad impression of New York... if you only focus on the pimps and the CHUDs.

You will receive one as soon as your grades start to slip in any subject. This way, your parents won't have to wait until report card time to punish you. How innovative. I like it. Hey, Dolph, take a memo in your Newton. Beat up Martin.

Don't correct the man, Brat. Oh, boss, look what we brought-- gelatin desserts. Oh, for the love of Peter. That's all anybody brought. Some damn fool went around telling everyone I love that slimy goop. Well, toss it in the pile over there.

Oh. So, I guess major muffins like yourselves all have dates, huh? You'd better believe it. Really? All of you? Uh, we all have dates, Lisa. Everyone does. Even me. Unbelievable! Whoa--

Time to blow up the clown. Go. Blow. And now a special treat. My TV debut on "The Milk of Magnesia's Summer Cavalcade." Let's watch. Look at me. I'm Kaputnik, the Russian satellite.

Perhaps it's time to fight razzle with dazzle. Mi--

I think I'll bottle-feed that one. A routine soul smear confirmed the presence of pure evil. It was then I knew the only option was to separate you two immediately. You'll both need to sign these.

Oh, no ! Mr. Burns ! We've got to get a doctor ! Absolutely not ! No quack sawbones is going to apply his leeches to me ! As long as there's an ounce of strength left in me, I--

They fight, they bite They fight and bite and fight Fight, fight, fight Bite, bite, bite The Itchy & Scratchy Show

What's that sound?

You can't drive, Dad. He's got your license. I'm gonna try anyway. It worked! It's a miracle! Oh, dang it! Now why does that only happen when nobody's looking?

Can't see what he is exactly. He's freakishly big, though. Hmm. Gentlemen, I am going to catch General Sherman. - Ooh ! - Oh, my ! After the supermarket, we'll go to the video store,

E-E-Evil! Grampa, you said that about all the presents. I just want attention.

Huh. Yeah. Ohh. Ooh. I'll tell you one thing: Greasy joe is sorry he ever saw the likes of me. Heh-heh-heh-heh. Marge, I need to speak with you alone.

Hi. Hi. Hey, guys. Sign my cast?

Billy Corgan, Smashing Pumpkins. Homer Simpson, smiling politely.

When a man loves a woman Which one are you? The man or the woman? - Questioning the kid's sexuality? Well done. Ha! - Ha!

Well, then, I guess I'll just have to... get into the crawl space again.

Why? Why? My only son.

Get outta Bumtown, ya no-talent bum! Show some respect, man. That "no-talent" created Itchy and Scratchy. He didn't create Itchy. I did. Huh? He stole the character from me in 1928. When I complained, his thugs kicked me out of his office and dropped an anvil on me.

You won't be needing this.

Well, then I got no beef with you. Okay, who wants dinner? Well, let's get eatin'. All right, all right. Sorry.

Marge! Speak to me! Is Thursday okay? Mmm, ohh.

Look at me! I'm a big man! But I break just like a little girl.

And with a flute up his nose, Ralph Wiggum. That's some nice flutin', boy. They will be playing "The Stars and Stripes Forever," hopefully not forever.

John Wilkes Booth entered, drew his gun and"-- Well, that's it. Have a nice summer, everyone. But what happened in Ford's Theatre? Was President Lincoln okay? He was fine. Go home, Ralph.

Howdy, gents. I'm here to collect my free-- Ow! Oh, my boating arm! What's going on! You're under arrest, slimebag.

I'm Chiquita Banana and I'm here to say I will eat this Toblerone and I will not pay Guys, while you're singing and dancing, somewhere out there Ronaldo is waiting to be found. There he is. Oh, wait. You said, brown hair, right?

No! Oh, Becky, your potatoes are the best I've ever had. Oh, God.

Yeah. This place is more like "Crazeland." Huh? Instead of "Praiseland." - Oh! - I see. - It's a play on words.

I'll show him. No, I shouldn't. Or should I? I'll keep my promise, honey.

My sodie is too cold. My teef hurt. Oh, your "teef" hurt, huh? Your "teef" hurt? Well, that's too freakin' bad! I'll tell you where you can put your freakin' "sodie" too! Oh, my goodness!

There isn't any food in any of these trees. Please, Bart, we've gotta hurry. I can't be the last one to reach the cabin. Hey, I'm not gonna get fired. Is there any gold in this mountain? - It doesn't matter! - I'll check. Mr. Smithers! Mr Smithers! I found another hurt shrew.

Two apples. Wait a minute. She's right. Yes. Very good. Marge, Homer, I believe your Lisa may be gifted. That's wonderful. But still, can't you do anything for Bart? Marge, he's five. His life is over. Lisa's the wave of the future. Wave of the future!

Simpson! Where's my dinner? Mamma mia! It was amazing how fast Dad betrayed his vision of a realistic show.

Hmm. What happened here? Oh, nothing, Marge. just a little incident involving the bogeyman! None of this would have happened if you had been here to keep me from acting stupid!

Hey, Dad. What's the word from planet Crackpot? Oh, I suppose you're going to mock me too. Well, actually, Dad, I believe you. You do? Yes, I do. You seem so damn sure. Thank you, Son. Now, do you think you could stop the casual swearing? Hell, yes!

Like "rubes"? Now you're on the trolley.

Yeah, nice try, narc. Where's the narc?

Here's johnnycakes. Is everything okay? You look a bit flushed. Oh, it's just the excitement of studying jebediah. Sounds like you've come down with a serious case of "jebeditis." Just when I was getting over my Chester A. Arthritis.

Hey, I came here to get this revoked! Troy McClure? I thought he disappeared after that scandal at the aquarium. Hey, I thought you said Troy McClure was dead! No. What I said was he sleeps with the fishes. You see--

I've got more bones than that guy. If you're trying to impress me, you've failed. It's not the number of bones, sir. - It's the-- - You have failed.

If you don't start making more sense, we're gonna have to put you in a home.

All right. Here you go. Smoke them in good health. Will you be needing any lottery tickets ? No. All right. Five. Stupid Principal Skinner. You gotta be kidding me. Save your strength, lad. There's a whole field for you to resod yet. Doh !

Any sign of Bart and Milhouse? No. And if they don't get here soon, it'll be T.S. for them. I don't feel right. Do you hear that, Bart? That was the tardy bell. "Truant! Truant! Truant!" they'll all say!

Hi-didilly-hey, Homer. Oh, my God! This dude does the best Flanders! You got the mustache and the "didilly." Okay, now do Wiggum. Homer, it-it's me-- Ned. Oh, right. The God dude. Hey, I got a question for you.

Na na nah nah Wa-a-ave Good-bye What good is money if you can't inspire terror in your fellow man?

We have a potentially critical situation here. I'm sure you'll understand. Listen, Aldrin. I'm not as laid-back as people think. Now here's the deal. I'm gonna play, and you're gonna float there and like it. When you're down and troubled

Smithers, where's that union representative? He's 20 minutes late. Uh, I don't know, sir. He hasn't been seen since he promised to clean up the union. Whoa! What the hell?

Tree huggers. - Something funny, nature boy? - No. I just thought it was cute when you called him-- All right, Max Power. Eddie, swab this joker's eyes with Mace. "swab"? I thought it was a spray.

Hmm? Sir, I represent the estate of Charles Chaplin. I have a court order demanding an immediate halt... to this unauthorized imitation. Boys!

Hmm. Detention. Psst. Hey, you guys.

We would have gotten more if Lisa walked faster. I didn't select this costume for mobility. I wore it to salute the noble Native Americans of the Pacific Northwest. Yaahh! Ha-ha-ha!

No. It's a smooth motion. You follow through with your racket. Uh-oh. You know, this is such a beautiful day. I don't know why we don't operate outside more often.

Stuff like that-- Ohh! Look, kids. I just got my party invitations back from the printers. "Come to Homer's BBBQ. The extra 'B' is for BYOBB." What's that extra "B" for? That's a typo.

Drop it in, don't cram it in. Oh, forget it. I'll do it myself. Aw, look. Maggie wants to fly too.

Do you sell hats? Yeah. - To people? - Maybe. People with heads? Sometimes.

Excellent. Huh? Uh-- Uh-- Huh? Hmm. Ahh! Now it's-- simply a matter of bending down and picking up... the one and only--

I'd like to thank you on behalf of the group, and I hope we passed the audition. I don't get it.

You call that prime rib? Yuck.

Oh, the taxes. They're gonna raise taxes! Come on! All right. That's a good point.

Everybody get ready. Here comes the birthday girl... in her very first dress. Aww! She's a little angel. Yeah. I wanna put a hook in her and hang her from our Christmas tree. What smells?

The same joe Valachi who squealed to the Senate committee about organized crime? Benedict Arnold. The same Benedict Arnold who plotted to surrender West Point to the hated British? D'oh! I am a-so glad I had a chance to meet you... before we did this, Krusty,

We prefer "Italian American pigs." Hey, Dad. Check it out. "Eat my... shorts”? Why, you little- Maggie! Lisa! We were just playing.

Not this time, Fat Tony.

Hurry up and finish eating. You're steering fine, boy. Hard to the right. Hard to the left. Cat. Deer. Old man. jackknifed sugar truck. Sugar?

Now, Helen, let us not glory in Homer's binge drinking. There but for the grace of God goes Marge herself.

Well, what do you think of your old man now, Son? Whoa! Damn right.

Shh-shh. Calm down. Calm down. Moving. You can sit down now. We're still going antiquing on Saturday, right, Mother?

I don't really know, sir. Simpson ! Well, I wine them, I... dine them, bring them flowers, write them love poetry, sir. Of course. It's simplicity itself.

- Now, Bart will play Apu. - Mm-hmm. I'm a magazine rack. Look. I'm the first to admit it. I dont write good parts for women.

Homer, before you move in... you should know that Julio and l have an active social life. Me too. I'm a member ofthis club where if I eat one more sub sandwich, I get a free sandwich. You probably saw the ad where this guy used to be fat, but now he's just ugly. Homer, what Grady is saying is that- How can I put this?

You are listing my broken dreams. I don't get it. I finally did a job where I wasn't lazy, stupid, or corrupt, and now I'm going to get killed for it.

stapling together abandoned, half-eaten burgers. f Chortiing f Good as new. Ewl Powerful work. And now he's gonna make a documentary about Springfield Elementary... which I assume will be glowing and positive... - unlike all of his other work. - Right.

Are you ready to get Duffed? Hey, it's Duffman, the guy in a costume that creates awareness of Duff! Duffman wants to party down with the man who sent in...

Mmm. Who knew that Lee Marvin could do such marvelous splits? He's dreamy.

Huh. They're gonna feel so silly when they realize they forgot us.

Okay, Milhouse, let's try out the new cup. Again. Milhouse, stop that!

(BOTH CLAPPING)

Ow! Ow! I'll reap! I'll reap already!

All right! Let's make some pus.

I withdraw my question.

Will you cease that infernal tootling ! I was just practicing. It's hard to discover your inner beauty while you're shouting at an eight-year-old girl.

You know, Mr. Burns is so cheap-- What? I ju-- I mean, you know, Mr. Burns is so old-- How dare you! Whoo-hoo. Tough crowd. Better bring out the big guns.

From Sea to shining sea Thanks for coming, and don't forget to purchase some orange drink... for the long ride home. Ralph! Ralph! You were so good. Ralph!

Homer! Homer! Homer! Homer! Homer! Homer!

Slag off. You've changed, man. It used to be about the music. I said slag off! Cool!

Anybody got a building permit? 'Cause we nailed it.

Why? So you can make me a laughingstock again? No. I want to make you a respecting-stock.

You must blame that little boy. He started it all.

Yes, the money is good. But the beauty is you get to stay in the house until it's sold. Come on, guys. Let's go for a swim. Gee, this hotrod is souped up six ways from Sunday. Never had you figured for a gearhead, Homer.

directly from him, still, I think, in a way-- in a very meaningful way-- that, uh-- that I-- uh-- uh-- all of us-- have, uh-- have learned from him. You know, that is, by being, uh, on television for--

The way people act around here, you'd think the streets were paved with gold. They are.

Ready for the linkup, Mr. Scorpio. Homer, one second. I gotta take care of this. Very important. Be right back. Fine.

See ya! Bye, Homer!

My quilt ! Six generations, ruined ! Now, Marge, honey. Honey, honey. Come on. Come on. Don't get upset. It's not the end of the world. We all loved that quilt, but you can't get too attached to--

Bart! Pull over! We'll stop fighting, we promise! Prove it! Yeah, kiss and make up! We're not quite there yet, but we've opened up a dialogue! Not good enough! Kiss! Oh! French it up, lover boy! I'm not a machine. I can't just turn it on!

- Colder. Ice cold. - Huh ? Do you know where my keys are ? No. I'm talkin' about your breakfast. Did you try the rumpus room ? Rumpus room ? Great idea. Oh, Dad. Huh ? Doh ! Oh, Homer. Here.

Find anything good? I said it before, and I'll say it again. Ay, caramba! Hey, Lis, bang, bang! Aw, Bart... that's a blackhead gun! Eww! Best McGyver ever. Mm-hmm.

Because Mr. Krabappel chased something fluffy down a rabbit hole. How do we know when we fall in love? Oh, don't you worry. Most of you will never fall in love and marry out of fear of dying alone. How do I create a half man, half monkey-type creature?

"Your moxie more than makes up for your lack of talent. Your pal, Chester J. Lampwick. September 3, 1919." Okay. Maybe my dad did steal Itchy.

Wait a minute. What's going on?

Now, you hold Maggie. I'm going to buy some earrings at the gift shop. The subject of our first painting tonight is the most... foul, evil, vicious, diabolical beast to stalk the earth. Of course, I refer to-- The devil.

(GRUNTS) Now, take that kid away. No! You're not gonna take my baby to jail! (STRUGGLING) All right, boys. She's not letting go. Make the switch. (RALPH HUMMING) (MARGE SOBBING)

Slow down, fellas. I've got a way we can keep our legs and still have a bright future. Now you're dreamin'. Oh, am I? Of course! Nuclear power! It's the job of tomorrow... today! Really? Well, that settles it. For all those reasons and more,

and ice cream cake which reminds us, why make 31 flavors when you can't get vanilla right? I wouldn't want to be married to her. I mean, again. Who are you, and why are you ruining my retirement party? I'll have you know I wandered off from the tour.

Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Mom, that is really annoying. Bart started it. Uh-uh. Lisa started it.

Cool! (CRICKETS CHIRPING) Happy 3:00 in the morning, everyone.

If you'll just open that door, you'll see the next mayor of Springfield. Nice. Very nice. What'd it say? No, no, no. Bob. Bob, come in. A fine mahoke to you all.

Look out! Bart! Ow! Mom! Hurry up, Bart!

But it would be funny to someone who was watching us. No, Mom. He's right. Observe. Ow! Oh, my. Lisa, go to your room.

For America's favorite family, everything was coming up roses. But those roses contained ready-to-sting bees. When we come back-- I want to set the record straight. I thought the cop was a prostitute.

Well, at McDonald's you can buy a Krusty Burger with cheese. But they don't call it a Krusty Burger with cheese. Get out. Well, what do they call it? A Quarter Pounder with cheese. Quarter Pounder with cheese? Well, I can picture the cheese, but, uh-- Do they have Krusty partially gelatinated nondairy gum-based beverages? Mm-hmm. They call 'em shakes.

Homer Simpson. I thought you dropped out. You wish, Dondalinger. That's Mr. Dondalinger.

Tiffany's, eh? It looks like Smoochie's... gonna seal the deal with a diamond the size of a doll's head. Aw, man. He's making us look like a bunch of cheapskates. Whoa, whoa! My rope came loose. There he is behind that shopping bag.

Come on, Bart. We're gonna bring back the Who!

Smithers, let's go powder my nose. Well, Marge, what do you think ? Mmm, I don't know. Maybe we should take his money and put all this ugliness behind us. Hmmm. The fish is in the pan. What do you think, Homer ? I'll tell you what I think. I think he thinks... I'm an idiot !

Yes, he does, Homer. And when he sees you treating women as objects, he's going to think that it's okay. You owe your son better than that, Homer.

Bart, you want some brownie before you go to bed?

I wonder if it really works.

and my buddy's collection of old sunbathing magazines. You bastard! I lost my bar. I lost his bar. He robbed the school of music! He robbed the school of financial security! He robbed the school of Tito! He can't remember my name! He's causing us all to yell! Look what he did to my best friend.

Well, this is my house. - Uh-uh. - Oh. Geez, I just wanted to escape. Gloria, you better tell your boyfriend to be a good little hostage. He's not my boyfriend. Mr. Burns is.

Plug-in room deodorizers, front and rear spoilers for the car.

Stupid mongoose! Get the snake! The snake! Do i look like a snake? Ow! Ow! Why isn't he listening to me? Ow! Show's over! Show's over! Next show at 8:00 and 10:00.

I'm a vampire, and I've come to suck your blood. Blah! Oh-- This cape is giving me a rash. Grampa's a vampire? We're all vampires. But, no, we killed Mr. Burns. You have to kill the head vampire. You're the head vampire?

Marge, I thought you'd never take me back after what I did to Krusty. You mean get beaten up by him? Exactly. And I'll admit, it is kind of romantic under the sea. You don't know the half of it. (CHUCKLES)

Marge, can't we get some clear plates? I can't see the TV!

Only for those who enjoy it. Medical use of marijuana is legal in this state. We'll also provide you with a prescription bong. Do you want the wizard or the skull? Occasions, persuasions clutter your mind Incense and peppermints the color of time

Most people write letters to movie stars. This Simpson guy writes to movies! "Dear Die Hard, you rock!

Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Hey, here's a camera. And it's still got a roll of film in it. Man, these old cameras are really built solid. Bart, we need that to win the contest. Win the what now?

ANNOUNCER: Hockey Dads. Commence fighting!

(STARTS ENGINE) (ENGINES REV)

That bird! He's killing the elephant! Stop him! No, Dad, he's grooming him. Grooming him, eh?

Bart! Remember, your job and the future of your family... hinges on your successful completion of Nuclear Physics 101. Oh, and one more thing. You must find the jade monkey... before the next full moon. Actually, sir, we found the jade monkey.

Dad, what happened to the backseat? I had to sell it for gas money. Which I spent on a novelty horn.

Settle down, boys and girls, or Krusty will have to bring out his old friend Corporal Punishment again.

"Show me your"-- Hey! Hey! It says, "Show me your tie." It's cute. Come on. Let's go.

That's why I did this-- to protect you from yourselves! Now, if you don't mind, I have a city to run. Bailiffs, place the mayor under arrest. What? Oh, yes. All that stuff I did.

No! I wouldn't. God. I've had to work hard every day of my life, and what do I have to show for it? This briefcase and this haircut. And what do you have to show for your lifetime of sloth and ignorance? What? Everything! A dream house, two cars, a beautiful wife,

And would it kill you to put some fennel in it? Alec Baldwin? Wow! That is the coolest person you've ever been fired by. What was it like at their house? Oh, it was so great. I didn't have to fake it with them. I was actually excited to hear about their day. I washed the dog today. Was it the dog from the Beethoven movies?

One Soylent Green, hold the butter. Mmm. Soylent Green. They fight, they fight they fight and fight and fight fight, fight, fight fight, fight, fight The itchy and scratchy movie

Goose Gladwell ripped me off. And there's nothing I can do about it. I'm just a stupid kid! (SOBBING) Son, when you grew up, I grew down. Now I can see you need your dad more than ever. And Homer, I can see you need me more than ever. Get back in the garage, old man. But there's spiders in the boxes.

Katja, do you think anyone's watching? If they are, they will see us explore our sexhood without restraint.

Hey, kids. i made your favorite cookies. Christmas trees for the girls and bloody spearheads for Bart. Aw, thanks, Mom.

Uh, good evening, um, young man. My name is Charles Norwood. Furthermore, to this beer, I would also like three of your finest, cheapest cigars. Here's my I.D. which confirms my "adultivity." Hmm.

I should've known from that panhandling sign, plus that ticket you got for panhandling. But, Marge, it was all for you, to buy you all the nice things you deserve. The flowers, the earrings, the Bob Seger boxed set, which really only needed to be one disk, but the box was nice! Homer, I don't need fancy things.

I left my Porsche keys inside Mrs. Glick. I am talking to the collection-money thief! Only you can come forward and end this injustice! Oh, what the heck. It was jessica Lovejoy!

Look, fellas! It's Lisa in the sky! No diamonds though. Look out for the campy drawing of queen Victoria!

I might even put you to work on Bart and Maggie. Go super dad on all their asses.

Sneeze, puke, burp, fart, we want music, gym, and art! Why didn't I cancel Sign Making and Creative Chanting? Principal Skinner, can't you just reinstate those programs? Would you be willing to pay an extra $1.23 in taxes to fund them? No way! I'm saving for a speedboat.

"The Secret Confessions of jebediah Springfield." Oh. I think, Lisa, that you've been taken in by an obvious forgery. Unfortunately, historical research is plagued by this sort of hoax. The so-called confession... is just as phony as the Howard Hughes will, the Hitler diaries or the Emancipation Retraction.

What the heck? Ah! Ow!

Oh, I really miss Mom. The kids are saying if you say "Bloody Margie" five times, she'll appear. But then she gouges your eyes out.

Hey, are you like one of those English guards who can't laugh or smile or anything? La-la, la-la-la Ow! No, sir! u.s. Marine Corps, sir!

love you you darling, I love you ooh, oh-oh

Smithers, I've been thinking. Is it wrong to cheat to win a million dollar bet? Yes, sir. Let me rephrase that. Is it wrong if I cheat to win a million dollar bet? No, sir. Who would you like killed? No, Smithers. I've decided to bring in a few ringers-- professional baseballers.

I think the survivors would envy the dead.

Stop clapping! Whoa!

He's getting away!

Of course, one thing mother blue jay can't defend against... is a set of steel tongs. Eggs. Precious eggs. If they're to survive, they require the gentle warmth and tender love... that only a mother can provide.

That's true. Will you forgive me? Oh, sure! Remember when I got caught stealing all those watches from Sears? Well, that's nothing, because you have a gambling problem! And remember when I let that escaped lunatic in the house... 'cause he was dressed like Santa Claus? Well, you have a gambling problem!

So long, suckers. Whoa!

And they're geniuses. They'll solve all our problems. They'll elevate us to the status of kings on Earth!

Dad, no! We're trying to conserve energy. Lisa, if we start conserving, the environmentalists win! Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Jingle Bell R-- Huh?

Tomacco! Give them the plant, Homer! No. I'd rather die! Aah! Take it!

I'll help you write a new review if you'll just let me use the bathroom! Still not clean. Still not clean! Okay, what restaurant did we review? Well, we went to PÂtÉ LaBelle last week. How about that? Great. Now, let me think. The food was--

The only girl I ever loved invited me up to the tree house. She had something very important to tell me. I'm so happy. I just had to tell someone. I have a boyfriend.

What do you mean, you lost him? He might have fallen into one of these machines! Oh, my God! That's his lucky red hat! He's a box! My boy's a box! Damn you! A box!

Smithers, massage my brain. Yes, sir.

I've never been separated from the kids for so long. I don't know how much more I can take. That's Bart's ring!

l was going to tell you this privately... but because of your incredibly [ow test score... we're sending you back to third grade. What? I gotta be in the same class as her? What? I gotta be in the same class as him?

Mighty Yamses, we are weary of building your food pyramid. Let my pickles go! Mmm! Moses. (DROOLING)

Seymour, I want that lamp. Win that lamp for me, Seymour. All right, Simpson, be honest with me. Is it actually possible to win this game? If I like you, it is. Hot dog! Let's go! No, throw it over the peg! Well, that's no good. Oh!

Uh, sir, we found the problem. Some idiot threw this in the reactor core. Success! You did this? How could you be so irresponsible?

If you don't want lamb chops, there's lots of other things I can make. Chicken breast, rump roast, hot dogs. No, I can't! I can't eat any of them! Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute.

"Please don't leave" to your daddy? No, I didn't. Yes, you did. And you also infringed on any number of copyrights.

Bart, wait. Yeah? Uh... could we still use your tree house? What? Get bent.

This is the most exciting scandal since the Juice was on the loose!

When I went to pick him up, Mom was trying to stab him with a hat pin.

You know, the-- the boy is named Bart. I don't know the name of the man. Bar! What's the name of the man? I'm not getting involved, George. Look, just never mind.

Oh, Dad, you're the best father a boy could ever have! Thanks, son. Now, you've got little hands. Can you reach under that mower and pull out that skate? Phew. Never mind.

And so, this plant harnesses the power of the atom... so that we have the energy to run everything from your favorite video game... to yummy cotton candy machines. Let's learn more about nuclear energy, shall we ? Lights.

Dad, it was bad enough when you tried to pass yourself off as Tom Bosley, but Krusty? You weren't complaining when I got you this close to Chachi. What's a Chachi?

and... devour her too. What a chump! It's already wiped out the dodo, the cuckoo and the ne-ne, and it has nasty plans for the booby, the titmouse, the woodcock and the titpecker. How vile. The one thing that mystifies me is... how a Bolivian lizard made it to Springfield.

You've been eating that thing for a week. I think the mayonnaise is starting to turn. Two more feet, and I can fit it in the fridge. Homer, I found this behind the radiator. I really think you should throw it away. Suggestion noted. Marge, I'd like to be alone with the sandwich for a moment.

Stop! This has gone on just long enough!

Ooh! This is it-- my ticket in. They have to let me join if I'm a son of a member. I'll take this Communist one too.

You are a senile, buck-toothed old mummy... with bony girl arms, and you smell like-- - An elephant's butt ? - Hee-hee. An elephant's butt.

Sixty minutes? Oh, my God! Mr. Burns has been in the tub for an hour!

There he is, on the monkey bars. Try to take him alive. Oh, no! Not again!

Oh, well, bye-bye. See you in church on Sunday, Marge. Good-bye, Helen. Good-bye, Helen. You have a lovely friend there. Let's hope something runs over her.

Will you be donating that million dollars now, sir? No. I'd still prefer not.

Huh? Whoo-hoo! Pedal to the metal! My baby! Your baby!

I've never seen such a responsible young lady. Thank you, Dr. Hibbert. Your trust means so much to me. I only wish my Volvo mechanic were as reliable. Good night, Lisa.

So, Twiggy, I hear you and your husband, Woody, just had a baby. What did you name him? Chip. Take it off! - All right, Dad. You've been warned. Let's go. - Hey! - Come on. - Easy.

(GASPS) (GROANS) Homie, when I married you, I knew we wouldn't live in luxury. And I kept that vow. (BOTH GASP) But seeing that kitchen today made me wish we had something a little better for ourselves. I'll build you a new kitchen, sweetie.

Peanuts... butter. Now we just put the top on. Hey, I didn't get where I am putting tops on things. Now let's make jelly.

Hey, where you goin'? "Hello. My name is Laddie. I've been trained to gather fruit for you as a welcome gift." Good dog.

David Letterman! - Hi, David. I'm Grampa. - D'oh! I'm Mike Wallace. I'm Morley Safer. And I'm Ed Bradley. All this and Andy Rooney tonight on 60 Minutes!

I'm gonna hit you so hard I'll kill your whole family. Bart, you're in my family. Shut up! (BOTH LAUGHING)

Cheer up, Homer. Can't. Okay! What if you pretended that this couch were a bar? Then you could spend more nights at home with us. Huh? I am not going to dignify that with an answer. Look on the bright side, Dad. Did you know that... the Chinese use the same word for "crisis" as they do for "opportunity"?

- Ow! - Oh, I'm sorry, kid. And special awards go to the two students... who obviously had no help from their parents: Lisa Simpson and Ralph Wiggum. I'm Idaho! Yes, of course you are. You know, Marge, for the first time in our marriage,

Thank you. Unlike most of you, I am not a nut. just a good, honest American who opposes wrongdoing... and especially carelessness wherever they occur. Look at that man.

Aah! It's the Rapture! Quick! Get Bart out of the house before God comes!

I'm feeling kind of low, Apu. Got any of that beer that has candy floating in it? You know, SkittlebrÄu? Such a product does not exist, sir. I think you must have dreamed it. Oh. Well, then just give me a six-pack and a couple of bags of Skittles.

(MURMURS) Oh, Roger, I just love our present lifestyle. Don't thank me. Thank our many debts and obligations. (SCREAMS) (GAGGING) Honey! Stop kidding around! Honey?

Are you guys shoplifting? Four-finger discount, dude. Shoplifting is a victimless crime, like punching someone in the dark!

This isnt a duet. Sorry. J I’ve grown accustomed to your fearJ J Accustomed to revengeJ J Accustomed to J J Your face JJ

Now, look here, mister. I pay the bills, I do the budget, and I'm in charge of the money.

So, do you party? You mean like, uh, hats and noisemakers kind of party? Sure, baby. Whatever your trip is. Disco Stu wants you to be comfortable while he does his thing. Who's Disco Stu?

Uh, no, I-- I guess I didn't.

One adult and four children. Would you like to buy some Itchy and Scratchy money? What's that? It's money that's made just for the park. It works just like regular money, but it's, uh, fun. Do it, Dad. Well, okay. If it's fun. Let's see, uh, I'll take $1,100 worth.

Oh, here we go. "Your movie was more boring than church. All you did was yak, yak, yak. You didn't even shoot anybody." Damn! I knew it. Ah, don't do this to yourself, Mel. The guy's obviously a nut. Maybe. Maybe he's the only person with the guts to tell me the truth. Turn the plane around. I want to go to 742 Evergreen Terrace.

- Vile, little-- - Crook! - Thief! Stealer of money from the collection plate!

Oh, Homie. I don't care if you're a billionaire. I love you just because you're-- Hey! There's another way to get on the boat! Whoo-hoo!

You call this a soccer riot? Come on, boys. Let's take 'em to school! Oi! Oi! Oi!

Is your husband at home? Fat Tony, how can you do this? Sorry, but this is the business we've chosen. But you're just perpetuating a negative Italian-American stereotype. I mean, you could be a pizza man, organ grinder, uh, leaning tower maker...

Well, that last story was just a warm-up for this macabre tale, which I call:

Who the devil are you? It's Homer Simpson! My name is Homer Simpson! Well, I don't think anyone in this family is capable of attempted murder. Uh-uh-uh. You never know what you're capable of.

Grampa, I gotta tell ya. She's a stone-cold hoochie. Straight up, Marge. That hoochie only likes you because you can drive. Shut up! You don't know her. Zelda loves me. I hate this house!

Ah, forget it. Let's go. - Find any winners, son ? - Sorry, Dad. Hey, hey, Simpson ! What'd I tell you ?

I'll start going to parents night. Homer!

I'm looking for a Mrs. O'Problem, first name: Bea.

Well, my family and I can't live in good intentions, Marge! Oh, your family's out of control, but we can't blame you, because you have good intentions! - Hey, back off, man! - Oh, okay, dude!

It's me, Duffman!

Now, this baby is called the "Withstandinator." It can take a six-megaton blast. No more, no less. Oooh! Blankets, radio.

Tiny Tim, The Chipmunks' Greatest Hits, A Castrato Christmas. Can't get enough of youR love, baBe Mr. White! Can we borrow you for a minute? Anything... for a lady.

(ORGAN PLAYING) Marge is here all alone. I heard her son is Catholic now. Her husband, too.

Damn, damn, damn. McBain. Yes? I'm not gonna make it. Oh, stop talking crazy. just do one thing for me. Get... Mendoza.

I wasted five bucks on these. Where'd you get five bucks? I want five bucks. - I sold my soul to Milhouse. - What?

Congratulations, Homer. - Hey, what does this job pay? - Nothin'. D'oh! Unless you're crooked. Whoo-hoo! President of the union? I'm so proud of you, Homie.

Mr. Simpson, could you describe your assailant to the court? I told you my memory is fuzzy. Fuzzy! Fuzzy like Willie's beard? Yes! Exactly! No, no. I mean the whole incident is hazy.

Ugh! What salary do you offer? Minimum wage and tips. Of course, there are fringe benefits. Such as? An unforgettable weekend at Club Moe. I'd prefer to vacation someplace hot. Whoo! Ha-ha! Ow! Whoo! I like your moxie, kid. You're hired.

What are you doing? Go away. Open the door! Oy, gevalt! Close the door! Then came my big break. A Talmudic conference in the Catskills. I was the entertainment. But the lord works in mysterious ways.

Let me show you. It's awfully small.

Aw, nuts! They'll be back. They'll miss American TV. Any of these islands would make a fine new country. I call president! Vice president! Ooh, there's a big one. And it has "freedom" written all over it.

Look at that island. Shaped like our number four. Makes you think.

Congratulations, it's a boy. Arr. You're truly the catch of the day.

Uh, no. They're saying, "Boo-urns! Boo-urns!" Are you saying "Boo" or "Boo-urns"?

by eating your shorts. Whoa! Whoa! Don't worry, guys. Something always comes along to save us.

Is that what I think it is?

Bart ! You don't even care ! You don't even care !

I'm sorry, but we're not supposed to put butter on the Milk Duds. You're not supposed to go to the bathroom without washing your hands either. TouchÉ.

Oh, yeah. Perfect.

Hiya, Homer. That's not Homer. It's gotta be. He's parking in Homer's space.

and then we came out here to take a break. Must've dozed off. Red room. Red room. Over there. Well, I'm just glad you're okay. And I have something to tell you.

Dad, can we stop at Flickey's? No.

Oh, no! No, no! The George Raft look is dead. I wanted Audie Murphy! If you would just apologize to Louie, you could get your hair cut the way you want. No apology! Not until he admits he's a jerk!

he rigged an election-- And he tried to murder me! Oh, yeah. But what I'll mainly remember is the laughter. I wonder what he's doing now. Ah, Westminster Abbey. Edward the Confessor himself could not have done better.

Behold mighty Caesar, in all his glory! D'oh!

Boilin'-hot, Texas-style ginger ale! Texas!

Great. Great. How much ? How much ? One thousand dollars. A thousand bucks ? I can't afford that ! Hmm. Well, we do have a product which is more in your price range. However, any hair growth you experience while using it...

Hello, Ned. Reverend, I'm sorry to bother you at this hour, but I threw a man out of my house today.

What? Nunchakus? Those aren't even Australian. Oh, great. So I'm dead now.

The pig's acting kinda funny. He and Mr. Simpson split a case of malt liquor.

Geez. I don't remember this much bad blood when I was a Cavalry Kid.

Not a good sign.

Whoo! Isotopes! Isotopes! Isotopes! You know what I'm sayin' to you, baby? Hey! A baseball field! Batter up! Go, baby! Steal second! I think I'm gonna puke!

Now, where were we? We were asking you to appear on Krusty's Komeback Special. Okay. Tell Krusty he can count me in.

It was only my imagination. Well, I'll make sure you never imagine anything again! (DOOR SLAMMING) (BANGING ON DOOR) HOMER: Flanders! Open this door, right now! Well, I guess it wouldn't kill me to let you in. (HOMER MUTTERING ANGRILY)