comb.io - Clips

Marge, what are you doing? Ruth, I've done a lot of thinking, and I really consider you a friend. And an important part of friendship is-- You stupid kid! You know that drives away all my business. See you tomorrow, loser.

Go on, Hyman, you're exaggerating again. A rabbi never exaggerates. A rabbi composes, he creates thoughts he tells stories that may never have happened but he does not exaggerate. My father would have never suspected a thing were it not for one, rowdy rabbi. Hey, funny man!

Dad? The panda was you?

Do you want to change your name to Homer junior? The kids can call you Hoju. I'll get back to you. Come on! Keep it comin'! Over. Over. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Hi, Homer! Oh, I hate that sound.

Lisa, no! Your hands are too weak. Stop that.

Yes. I remember Bart's birth well. You don't forget a thing like... Siamese twins! I believe they prefer to be called "conjoined twins." And hillbillies prefer to be called "sons of the soil," but it ain't gonna happen.

Ah! Now I've said it! (CRACKLING) Ohhh! This is cool! Macbeth! Macbeth! Macbeth!

It's small and it's smelly, but it should carry both of us to-- Whoo-hoo! That-That's the third time that's happened!

I'm so sick of names! (BOTH GRUNTING) CHLOE: Oh! My hair! Ladies, (CHUCKLE) there's no need to fight over me. No one's fighting over you! Oh. Well, then carry on.

Hmm? Oh. You stole my bit! YOu-- That's my bit, you-- Oh, you stole my bit! Cut! Oh, my God! He's killed the original Alfalfa!

Hello. Hello ! Hello, taste ? Where are you ? You can put a little something on top for flavor. Hey, now you're talkin' ! Hey, Mom, these paintings are good. While I know firsthand how fragile young talent is, I'd love to hear the particulars of how your gift was squashed. Well--

Better luck next time.

Guess what. For a dollar, a man sold me 35 Caspers and a dozen Lois Lanes. Ooh. I never knew what Superman saw in her. Give me Wonder Woman. And that golden lariat.

I know what the other 11 forks are for, but what do you do with this one? Why, Marge, I believe you're supposed to scratch your ass with it. Homer, watch your la-- Ohh! That's a lifesaver.

Apple... apple... apple...

When this baby goes off, Burns's lab is gonna be history, man! Germ history! Oh, man! I got the munchies.

- Simpson! - S h h _

theRe's A voice in My head that drives my heel it'S my baby calling says, "i need you here" Oh! Oh! Now, wait! Oh! Yeah. Wait. Oh. Wait! Oh, oh! Ow! Bart! Nelson hit me!

Hey, Einstein. What's a million plus a million? Two million. So?

Happy, happy, new year!

We'll be dead in five minutes. Not fast enough! Went my heartstrings From the moment i saw him From the moment i saw him

This is great. I can finally look like I want... and not get hassled by the man. Cowabunga! Skateboards? You copycat wannabes. Ow! Eat my shorts, young man.

But it will take plenty of time and rehab before you can go back to work. Miss work? But my life would be nothing without the nucleon plant. Oh, you're also responsible for this hefty hospital bill. You shouldn't have ordered all those hospital haircuts and porno films. But Doctor Screwlittle sounded like a delightful romp. But you don't have to worry about the bill.

In the Cincinnati-Miami game I declare Cincinnati my 'Shoe-in of the Week.' They both make a good case.

No. Candy! Sweet, sweet candy! I want candy But don't you want to end world famine? I want candy Or save the endangered Alaskan salmon.

Lord, why have you given me these unholy visions of doom? (GASPS) Well, I didn't need any special power to know that was coming.

We're doomed. Doomed, I tells ya! Bart! Let your father tell the story. Yeah. Okay, but I know funny. Anyhoo-- We're doomed! - Homer, you had a head. - Check. - And your bottom was a little bigger. - Ohh.

Oh, no! My favorite outfit! Jimbo, this is by far the worst-- Mmm. Mmm. Uh, jimbo, why don't you... assist Lunch Lady Doris in the kitchen. - Bite me, Skinner. - Well might we.

Maybe we should move to a larger community. D-oh ! Don't have a cow, Dad. The sad truth is, all families are like us. You think so, huh ? Well, there's only one way to find out. Follow me.

Seymour! Mother. Superintendent Chalmers! Skinner!

Look, my stomach really hurts. All I can give you are these chewable Prozac for kids. Your choice-- Manic-depressive Mouse or the Bluebird of Unhappiness.

Ooh, baby ! So what you're saying is, there's a downside to the afterlife. How does one steer clear of this abode of the damned ? By obeying the Ten Commandments. Ten simple rules that are easy to live by.

No, it's true. You know, when I was a boy, I really wanted a catcher's mitt, but my dad wouldn't get it for me. So I held my breath until I passed out and banged my head on the coffee table. The doctor thought I might have brain damage. Dad, what's the point of this story? I like stories. Can I please go to the movie?

Crisis has been averted. Everything is super. Thank you, Homer, for saving my plant with that idiotic rhyming! Do you even know what button you pushed?! Sure-- moe.

Geriatric Profanity Disorder, or G.P.D. And chronic nagging, nagging, nagging, nagging, nagg-- Sorry. It does that sometimes. Nagging. Nagging.

Nice doggie. "Ivanhoe is the story of a Russian farmer and his tool." Wolf! Wolf! Wolf!

This should be every boy's dream. Ha-ha! Your dad's not handy. Son, are you okay? I brought a homemade first aid kit! It's spring-loaded for quick access. (SCREAMING) Oh...

Lenny, are you watching this? - Yeah. They really hurt that guy's feelings. - I know! Ready for the circus, Homer? Circus? The Cirque de Purée. We've had tickets since Septembre. But I want to watch Brett Favre! Come on, Homer. They're only in town for eight months.

Make me! That does it. One of them has to go. Okay. Grandpa.

Mm-hmm. Do a little housework, and you can play for five minutes. No way. Yes'm.

Actual institute may not match photo. Marge, I wanna be a monorail conductor. Homer, no. It's my lifelong dream. Your lifelong dream was to run out on the field during a baseball game, and you did it last year, remember? Oh, yeah.

Mr. Mayor, is it true you rigged the election? No, I did not.

We could look this "id" thing up in the dictionary. - We got one ? - I think it's under the short leg of the couch. "Id: Along with the ego and the superego, one of three components of the psyche." Get outta here. My turn. "Kwyjibo."

Uh, the things?

Ahh! Yeah! That's one fine-looking barbecue pit. Why doesn't mine look like that?

Is this thing on? No. Sorry, Moe. And now, without further Apu. I have been zinged and I love it. The last angry clown, the man who spews truth from every orifice,

Jenda, I think we're ready to go all the way, but I'm a little nervous. Bart, don't be nervous. Sex on prom night is as American as our 51st state, Saudi Israelia.

I think I know that guy. He ran over the dean five years ago. Punch up that picture.

Kids, would you step outside for a second? F-- Dear Lord! That's the loudest profanity I've ever heard.

Attention, wireless listeners. Most of the sounds you are now hearing are not being made by me. Oh, stop! Stop! Won't someone please stop the farting? Aah! Don't worry, folks. He's not dead. I still hear some faint sounds of life.

Eh, lousy speed bumps. Ooh! Whoa! Hey! Oh, this coffee's too hot!

Geez, Louise. Look at this mess. I told that boy a billion times to pick up his jun-- I like to play with you. My back. I like to play with you. There goes my back again. I like to play with you.

Give us the film! Never!

I'm sorry. I am really sorry. Ugh! Ugh! I don't know what I was thinking, but, uh, Field of Dreams was good, wasn't it? Made us all believe again. Oh, poor Mr. Costner. He tries so hard.

Do you promise not to revive your "weckless," "weckless" ways? I don't know. The demolition derby is next month. Please, Homie. No more craziness. For me? Well, okay. For you I'll be as dull as Dilbert.

Look at me! I'm Angie Dickinson! Out of my way!

April Foo-- That sounded like an explosion at the old Simpson place. Forget it. That's two blocks away. Looks like there's beer coming out of the chimney. I am proceeding on foot. Call in a code eight.

Thank you. Your plea has been-- Rejected. You will be assessed the full fine plus a small-- Large lateness penalty. Please wait by your vehicle between 9:00 a.m. and 5:00 p.m... for parking officer Steve-- Grabowski. They expect me to sit here from 9:00 to 5:00?

(BRAKES SCREECHING) (ALSO SPRACH ZARATHUSTRA PLAYING)

Can we put him in more of a hip-hop context? Forget context. He's gotta be a surfer. Give me a nice schmear of surfer.

Whoo! Wa-ho! So! Oh, geez. This looks bad. Better turn on the old Wiggum charm. Pervert! Oh, boy. That sounded bad.

Well, perhaps we're all a little crazy. I know I am.

I'm peeing on the seat. Give me a raise. Now I'm returning to work without washing my hands-- But it doesn't matter, because I'm Homer Simpson. I don't need to do my work, 'cause someone else will do it for me.

Here. If you have any soul left, you'll need these. I know I will.

Critical wha-- ?

He's in show business. He's a celebrity. Let's roll, boys.

How can you have a house without a gun? What if a bear came through the door? I'm going to bury it in the yard where little hands can't get to it. You should have fired into the air. She would have run off. People, take it easy.

i am so great i am so great everybody loves me I am so great Hello? Honey? Honey, honey, honey? Everybody loves--

This gentleman here can write better fortunes... than all of you put together. Show them. Okay. Let's see. Uh, the price of stamps will climb ever higher. Oh! Very profound.

Oh! What a horrible four months. Now to warn everybody! Attention: Some crazy creeps on an island somewhere are secretly running the world.

All on I Can't Believe They Invented It! Hello, everybody. I'm Troy McClure, star of such films as "P" is For Psycho... and The President's Neck Is Missing.

Oh. Oh, right. Well, kids usually pick these things up from someplace. Find out who's doing it and direct them to the Bible. Where in the Bible? Uh... page 900. But, Reverend... Damn Flanders.

Why, you little-- It was like that when I got here. Oh, that's my boy. "Listen to Lisa play her sax."

Yo, dudes, awesome show! It's N'Sync! Word!

I'm gonna do something your daddy should've done a long time ago. Now, go home and think about what you've done, young man. He spanked you?

Mrs. Simpson, can Homer come out and play? No, Homer won't be able to play for a long time. Would you make me some Jell-O? You shoo, Barney Gumble. Well, I can still hang out with you guys. Sorry. I got a baseball game in 15 minutes.

so I'll just place it lovingly on your forehead. Hey, look. They got food at this thing. Here's one for the road, dude.

Why didn't you get something useful, like storm windows? Or a nice pipe organ?

They'll make a pizza pie with a topping of your choice. Hey, Seymour! You want your usual table? No, no, Luigi. I'd like one with two seats. I'll be dining with a friend tonight. Hey, good for you, huh? Hmm. They treat you real nice here.

starring Troy McClure. Slim, if we've got the bag with the stolen diamonds, then what happened to the bag with our stash? There's more than one way to get high, baby.

Hey, Homer. Why don't you just nibble her elbow? That always melts her butter, right? Heh, heh, heh. All right. Okay. Everybody out! Ooh, she's gotta have it. Get out! Get out! Get out! Get out! Get out-Out-Out-Out-Out-out-out!

(ALL SQUEAKING)

Baby to Marge. Baby to Marge. Wah! Wah! Over. I don't know how we can afford these things on your salary. Hey, why don't I apply at the nuclear power plant? I hear they pay pretty well. I heard radiation can make you sterile. Now you tell me.

Squirt, squirt, squirt. Your lungs will thank me. Kids, you better take your last look at Uncle Artie. Oh, look! There's a whole bunch of you! Squirt, squirt, squirt! That's it. Circle around me. Squirt, squirt, squirt, squirt, squirt, squirt, squirt. Oh, I'm gonna need more water.

Three, ha-ya-yah.

Aw, crap! Somebody had to take the babysitter home. Then I noticed she was sitting on-- her sweet can. I grab her-- sweet can. Oh, just thinking about-- her can. I just wish I-- sweet-- sweet-- s-s-sweet can. So, Mr. Simpson, you admit you grabbed her can. What do you have to say in your defense?

Doughnut? What's a doughnut?

I leave my grandfather clock and these words: Don't die lonely like me. Raise a family, and do it now. Now! Now! Now! Hey, a grandfather clock. Not bad.

After the Berlin Wall fell our records started selling on the dismal side of the Iron Curtain. That gave us a boost. We're big in Bulgaria, and the other Garia. Hungaria? Who's benefited more from the death of communism than us? Maybe the people who live in communist countries.

Huh? D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh!

You have my undivided attention.

Now don't you worry, Mrs. Simpson. I-- Uh-oh. We've drawn judge Snyder. Is that bad? Well, he's had it in for me ever since I kinda ran over his dog. You did? Well, replace the word "kinda" with the word "repeatedly"... and the word "dog" with "son."

Martin, here's $10 to invest in the futures market. Soy! Soy! Soy! Soy! Soy! Soy! Soy! Martin, you're up one million dollars. Yes! But now you've lost all but $600. You got greedy, Martin.

Man, how'd I ever live without this thing? Oh, man, that's good!

Coming through. Challenge. Duel. Hi, Lenny. How dare you? Demand satisfaction. "Suh," your challenge is accepted. Huh? I agree to the duel, "suh." I choose pistols at dawn. Pistols at dawn? Oh, why did I have to slap a guy who says "suh"? You'll need a will and a headstone. Aisle six.

Mornin', folks.

- Spit on this for me, Smithers. - One "hawker" coming up, sir. What a lame-o ! I think I can actually hear the air being torn, sir. Oh, shut up ! Hey, Burns ! Hey, rag arm !

Oooh, I've wasted my life. You call that prime rib? Yuck.

Sarge, we keep getting orders to let the virus win. Must be a school day. Lay down your arms. All right! Let's make some pus.

If you'll look to the left side of the aircraft, you'll see Homer and Marge "Sampson," who are celebrating with us today their 11th air-niversary. So hang on, while we dip our wings... to this happy couple.

Now, push 7-8-7 to swing. Ball is in parking lot. Would you like to play again? You have selected "no."

Boy, you hate lotus flowers too. Don't get me started on lotus flowers. No. No, it is the sign that it is time for my arranged marriage. Oh, well, congratulations. No, no, no. Don't you know what it means?

Don't mind if I do! Stay away from me, Homer!

You're welcome.

In fact, to pay for the construction... and operation and demolition of our new derrick, the school will have to eliminate all nonessential programs: music-- What? and maintenance. I'll kill that Mr. Burns! And wound that Mr. Smithers. Out of my way!

Look, nobody likes a crybaby, okay? You just splash him back.

Hark to the tale of Nelson and the boy he loved so dear They remained the best of friends for years and years and years What are they saying?

Whoa, whoa, whoa. I'm sorry, but all the animals have already been reserved for celebrities. There. That's 104 pounds of sandpipers. You mean there's nothing left to clean? Well, there are rocks, thousands and thousands of rocks.

I think I'm going to take a walk. All right! A peanut. I'm telling you, all a man needs is an idea and I've got an idea. Then how come you're still a bum? All right. A man needs two things-- an idea and money to get it off the ground.

You saved us, Homer. Mr. Moe? Prepare to surface.

I'll have a brain burger with extra pus, please. Bart! Eyeball stew. Homer, we just got here, and already I'm mortified beyond belief by your embarrassing behavior.

Stealer of money from the collection plate! We've gotta talk. Listen, thanks for not turning me in. That was sweet. Well, it seems like if you really care for me, you should come forward. Oh, don't you see? It's because I care for you that I can't come forward. That doesn't make any sense.

How can a hamster write mysteries?

'Cause if you don't, I'll never believe anything you say... ever again. Aw, come on.

If I were gay, there'd be no problem. No, what I have is a romantic abnormality, one so unbelievable that it must be hidden from the public at all costs. - You see-- - Stop!

Hey, I know it wasn't great, but what right do you have to complain? As a loyal viewer, I feel they owe me. What? They've given you thousands of hours of entertainment for free. What could they possibly owe you? I mean, if anything, you owe them. Worst episode ever.

Mmm! Delicious! Now, Krusty, I hear it's your birthday, so I got your mother's recipe for matzoh brei. Hey, I don't do the jewish stuff on the air. But, Hershel, bubbeleh-- Ix-nay on the ew-jay. Roll the cartoon.

At first I thought we could talk it over like civilized people, but instead I just ripped the head off Mr. Honey Bunny. Bart, that was your cherished childhood toy. Mr. Honey Bunny!

Hello, alternative to testing. Well, it's Bart Simpson. Come on in. You're just in time for Sponge-bath the Old Folks Day. Help yourself, but stay above the equator.

There we are. Look. You can drug me all you want, but my family won't rest until they find my drug-bloated corpse! I wouldn't count on that, Number Five. As far as your family knows, Homer Simpson is walking in the front door... right about now. I'm sorry. What?

I can't believe I destroyed the Earth. Are you still talking about the Earth? You're right. I gotta let it go.

This just in. Go to hell!

Sure it is. Huh? Butch Patrick! That's right. I was TV's Eddie Munster. And being in the public eye didn't mess me up one bit. Mm-hmm. Well, obviously. Hey, one question, Eddie. Butch.

Marge, do you respect my intelligence? - Yes. - Okay. Wait a minute. Why did it take you so long to say yes? No reason. Okay. Wait a minute. Are you humoring me?

I'm so excited. It's like giving birth to a child of steel and iron. (BEETHOVEN'S FIFTH SYMPHONY PLAYING) Where is everybody going?

Oh, fired. I can't believe it. NeXt, on Exploitation Theater-- Blacula, followed by Blackenstein, and the Blunchblack of Blotre Blame. Whoo! Funky. But first, this word.

Yeah, tell me about it. I got some yuppie jerk-off headed right for me, yakkin' away on his cell phone. Huh! I hear that. I got some big shot barreling down on me. Hey! Who are you talkin' to, your boyfriend? Hey, jackass! Your voice sounds familiar!

Mike Rotch ! Hey, has anybody seen Mike Rotch lately ?

Oh, boy! Buffalo testicles!

Tom jones? Yes? I was wondering if you'd be interested in performing at a private party. Sorry, mate. I don't do private parties. Well, then, perhaps you should look in this suitcase. All right, but I don't see-- Pleasant dreams, Mr. Jones.

It was an exciting time to be young. When I was young it seemed that life was so wonderful For several years I'd been dating your mother and working at the local fun center.

Yuh-huh. That's the deal. No more exercise program. No more traffic. No more blood drives or charity walks. Dad, I know we don't do a lot together, but helping you gain 61 pounds is something I want to be a part of. Dad! I must protest. You're abusing a program... intended to help the unfortunate.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Oh, here he comes. What is it now, Quimby? Nothing. Nothing. Only the, uh, city has just passed... another tax on puffy directing pants. But I don't wear puffy pants! I meant a, uh, tax on not wearing puffy pants. Oy! I'm sorry.

Chief Wiggum P.I. will return... right now.

But this comes out of my salary. If I had a girlfriend, she'd kill me.

I found a dollar while I was waiting for the bus. While you were out earning that dollar, you lost $40 by not going to work. The plant called and said if you don't come in tomorrow, don't bother coming in Monday. Whoo-hoo! Four-day weekend!

Robots be right back. Whoo!

This is the stupidest thing I've ever seen. I can't believe we blew 2,000 bucks on it when right now rollers could be kneading my buttocks. Could you stop thinking about your ass? I try, but I can't.

By smashing my chair, you're only hurting yourself.

Bart, do you want to see my new chainsaw and hockey mask? Oh, sorry. What am I thinking?

Good evening. Tonight my guest is AFL-CIO chairman, George Meany, who will be discussing collective bargaining agreements. It's a pleasure to be here, Krusty. Let me be blunt. Is there a labor crisis in America today? That depends what you mean by "crisis."

I'd like to open with my impression of... Principal Skinner. Duh, look at me. I'm Principal Skinner.

Go ahead. Try to find a replacement. Aah! A powerful tidal wave in Kuala Lumpur has killed 120 people. ¡Ay, chihuahua! Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Welcome to the Internet, my friend. How can I help you?

- Bart, what are you doing ? - Uh-oh ! - Aah ! - Aah ! Why, you little-- Uh-oh ! Now I got ya ! Aah ! Aah ! Boy must die ! I love you, Dad ! Doh ! Dirty trick.

(BUZZING) Your kid sucks! Bring it on! ANNOUNCER: Hockey Dads. Commence fighting! Hockey Dad rules! Feel the drunken wrath of Chuck Shadowski!

There's Surly and Remorseful!

As long as you have absolutely no follow-up questions-- Yes. Yes, we are. Fully. We have to go now.

Aye. And all those opposed... to horsewhipping Homer Simpson? Nay. And now, all in favor... of reinstating Ray Patterson? Yea!

After all, I'm smarter than the average bear. Well, hello there, Ho-didilly-omi. Well, I'm afraid I'm gonna have to ask you to hand over that-- Gee, Homi, it's not very nice to maul Ranger Ned. - You want some of this? - Uh-uh.

Howdy, partner. Four score and seven blocks ago, my-- Aah! Aah! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Whee!

Krusty wants out! No. The world needs laughter. Are we gonna die, son? Yeah.

Uh-- Oh. That isn't smoke. It's steam. Steam from the steamed clams we're having. Mmm. Steamed clams. Whew.

"Find Waldo Yet Again." Man, he's just not trying anymore.

Question. Is your name Ridley Scott or james Cameron? No. It's Homer. Then I will thank you to stop peering at my screenplay, Homer. And if I see a movie where computers threaten our personal liberties, I will know that you stole my idea. I'm just waitin' for my kid. Mental note. Steal his idea.

Daddy, ask the man for some candy. No, no. No candy for you. Well, at least get some candy for yourself. Kids.

Homer, did you barricade the door? Why? Oh, the zombies. No. Spare my family. Take me. Take me. Hmm? Brains! Brains! Brains! Brains!

No one has ever asked me that before in my life.

Did you know that there's a direct correlation... between the decline of Spirograph and the rise in gang activity? - Think about it. - I will. No, you won't.

Where's your messiah now?

That's the joke. You suck, McBain! Now, my Woody Allen impression. I'm a neurotic nerd who likes to sleep with little girls. Hey, that really sucked!

Gentlemen, we must determine which of our fellow inmates has become the rodentus incarcerarium. You heard the boss. Find the rat. I found the rat, and he's right here. I ain't the rat, I'm the pigeon. I thought you was the mole.

first you get the sugar, then you get the power, then you get the women.

"Enclosed is a personally autographed photo... "of America's favorite cat and mouse team to add to your collection. "In regards to your specific comments about the show,

Dioxy-ribo-diamondoid? Close but no cigar. Just plain diamonds! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! We finally have something to put in the wall safe. Hostess Twinkies?

I ju-- I mean, you know, Mr. Burns is so old-- How dare you! Whoo-hoo. Tough crowd. Better bring out the big guns. Here's an impression of Mr. Burns that you might find a little cheeky.

I'm surprised they bothered to move it when they moved the town. Oh, I can explain that. You see--

Why don't you get somethin' to eat from our food truck? - Hey! - M-Mr. Simpson?

And as for you, I don't know you, but I'm sure you're a jerk! Hey, I've only been here a few minutes. What's going on? You ugly, hate-filled man! Hey-- Hey, I may be ugly and hate-filled, but I've, um--

Prepare for the end! The end of high prices! What?

I guess I am putting up the Halloween decorations a little early. Criticism accepted.

Buddhism teaches that suffering is caused by desire. Richard Gere?

Good night, Lisa. Good night, Mom. - Sweet dreams. - Thanks, Mom. Sleep tight. I will, Mom. Don't let the bedbugs bite. Bedbugs?

Ah, New Orleans. The Big Easy.

Princess who ? Hey, my photo. Your photo ? Uh-oh. Why you little-- Why you big-- Bart, go to your room. I'm out of here. Look, Marge, honey, baby, doll, I-- Homer, I don't even want to look at you right now.

Clean as a whistle. Sharp as a thistle. - Best in all Westminster. Yeah! - Shut up, boy.

English - US - Line 21

Will I pass my English test? "Outlook not so good." Wow, it does work! Let me try. Will... I get beat up today? "All signs point to yes." That ball knows everything. I got one.

Malibu Stacy, America's favorite eight-and-a-half-incher.

"Itchy runs afoul of an Irishman." Look out, Itchy! He's Irish!

Mr. Simpson, this government computer can process over nine tax returns per day. Did you really think you could fool it?

Oh, this miserable stress headache. Feels like there's a rat in my brain! It's time for another Bill and Marty classic crank call. Hello, Mr. justin Sherman? Yes. Your wife is dead. Oh, God, no! That's right.

Wow. Look at her go. Yeah, that pressure we put on her really paid off. Ohh! Oh! Whoa! What are you doing? I can't help it. It's the shoes. Nobody upstages Little Vicki.

They can't seriously expect us to swallow that tripe. Now as a special treat, courtesy of our friends at the meat council, please help yourselves to this tripe.

Boys and girls, today we will begin selecting a class president. I'm not allowed to vote, but I strongly suggest you elect Martin. Martin ?

No, honey. This time make it a Sex on the Beach. And hold the Beach! Gee, Homer, your new wife is great.

Here's something that should cheer you up, sir. It's me, sir-- Bobo. Hug me. Squeeze me. Tug at my fur. Enough! Stop this grotesque charade.

Yeah, tell me about it. I got some yuppie jerk-off headed right for me, yakkin' away on his cell phone. Huh! I hear that. I got some big shot barreling down on me. Hey! Who are you talkin' to, your boyfriend? Hey, jackass! Your voice sounds familiar!

They smell good. They look good. You'd step over your own mother just to get one! But you can't stop at one. You wanna drink another woman. So I says, "Yeah, if you want that money, come and find it,

And what are you gonna do about it?

No! No! Lisa, it's not like you have a choice here.

Straight out of Detroit, y'all. It's the j-O-E to the C. Let's rock the party with Kid Rock.

That's a good thing.

Salt me. Here you are, Homer. What the-- Why are you talking like that? The play's tomorrow night. I've got to stay in character.

What's it like, Bart? Bart? Bart? Give me that!

"Give me five bees for a quarter," you'd say. Now, where were we? Oh, yeah! The important thing was that I had an onion on my belt, which was the style at the time. They didn't have white onions because of the war.

So, recycling is our way of giving Mother Earth a big hug. Yes, well, it does sound like fun. I can't wait to start pawing through my garbage like some starving raccoon.

Can you believe it? Tradition forbids me even to speak to the woman... I'm about to spend my life with. Has the whole world gone crazy? Nah. Just your screwy country. Your old friend Apu is a lamb being led to the slaughter. Don't worry, Apu. Someday, you'll meet someone you really love.

Lurleen will be a big success, and I'll be there. Fine. See if I care!

(GASPING) I don't remember doing that! I would never cheat! Perhaps. But subconsciously, you wanted her to succeed. Watch. PHILIPPA: Here, you're telling her the answer is no. Here, the solution is a square. Here, you're telling her the answer is California Condor.

Geez! That dog has more education than I do.

I believe it was a "boaking" accident. I have to go now.

Maybe it just collapsed on its own. We can't take that chance. You always say that. I want to take a chance.

A fat-free fudge cake that doesn't let you down in the flavor department... like so many others-- Let me go! No! Stop! No! Whoa! Another acid flashback. Man, I'd hate to be driving a bus right now!

It's time to give away my love like so much cheap wine. Take it to the hoop, Selma. Hey, look what I brought ! Uh, Schnapps ?

(BUZZING) Behold, I have found favor with the Lord. So shall my knife find favor with thy belly. (GRUNTS) (GROANS) (LAUGHING EVILLY) (THUNDER RUMBLING) (GRUNTS) (GROANS)

I'm Krusty the Clown, and I'm going to kill you. Didn't even pull the string that time. I said I'm going to kill you. You, Homer Simpson. Oh, yeah? With what? Aah!

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Can I help you? Potato man. Where the hell have you been? Okay. Camera two. Uh, excuse me. This is a restricted area. Take a hike, Kojak!

Well, Homer's out. We gotta find a new General Ambrose Burnside. And I'm not too crazy about our Stonewall jackson. The South shall come again.

You're a millionaire, and you've got all the babes you want. Why aren't you living it up in your palace in Europe? Well, let's just say I... hate crime. Arrest that guy. And that's the end of that chapter.

We also sell frozen yogurt, which I call frogurt.

You call that prime rib? Yuck.

The whole point of coming down here was for you to get some rest. Show us your boobs! Not now.

The credits really have to go this long?

Just friendly crustaceans Under the sea Ah. Homer, that's your solution to everything-- to move under the sea.

Do you need some hot air? We congressmen are full of it. I blather on for hours. Yap, yap, yap, yap, yap, yap, yap, yap, yap, yap, yap, yap, yap, yap, yap, yap, yap, yap, yap. There he is. Krusty, we came to see how many campaign promises you've kept. Uh, let's see. Did I promise to be a slave to big oil?

I'm proud of you, Homie. Thanks, Marge. Early morNing singing song

love you you darling, I love you

Hmm. He seems to be running a little low on ideas. Well, at least you got the gum. Oww! I cut my cheek!

You'll see all your favorite soccer stars, like Ariaga, Ariaga ii, Bariaga, Aruglia, and Pizzoza! Oh, I never heard of those people. And they'll all be signing autographs! Whoo-hoo!

Okay, folks, look. I called the police captain in Shelbyville. He says he hasn't seen our kids. But if they show up in the morgue, he's gonna fax us.

By gum, it worked. I've awakened in the future. "Moon Pie." What a time to be alive. Hey, who unplugged my freezer? Return to your state of living death at once, sir. Is that you, Apu?

And I think I finally found what I was put on this Earth to do. Knife goes in, guts come out. Knife goes in, guts come out. Spare my life and I will grant you three wi-- Knife goes in, guts come out. Yippee! Time for the company loyalty song. Knife goes in guts come out

That's a great idea! We'll swim in the ocean.

That does it. Children, get dressed. We're leaving. Come on, Marge. You said you'd sleep on it. I don't care what I said. This family has had its differences and we've squabbled, but we've never had knife fights before, and I blame this house.

Oh! Ow, my leg!

One more thing: if you ever set foot in this store again, you'll be spending Christmas in juvenile hall, capisce? Well, do you understand? Everything except "capeesh."

Yes. I regained consciousness during my big dance number. Those strings pulling me every which way jostled my heart from its slumber. And you wanted to take him to the hospital. Oh, and you didn't? Well, the worm has finally shown its fangs. Smithers, make me slap him! You call that a slap? Make me slap you.

Mr. Burns, you brought us a present. Why, what did you think I was going to do ? Have you beaten to a bloody pulp ? To show there's no hard feelings, please take an advance copy of my book. Will There Ever Be A Rainbow ?

Can I borrow A feeling could you lend me A jar of love hurting hearts Need Some healing take my hand with your glove of love

Ol' Painty-can Ned! I always knew he'd keep his old cans of paint! Yeah! How do you like that?

Why do you talk that way? I had a stroke.

People of Earth, we come to you in the spirit of hostility and menace. Now, we can resolve our differences peacefully. Uh... ow! Your superior intellect is no match for our puny weapons.

What are you doing to me? I said start it at 60 r.p.m., then move it up to 100 on the skirt blow! - Sorry, Krusty, I choked. - You choked? You choked?

Mr. Burns is gone. And tonight was the night I was gonna show him my tattoo. (SOBBING)

What the bloody hell? Hit the road, gramps. This is a private skybox. I'm Rupert Murdoch, the billionaire tyrant. And this is my skybox. If you're Rupert Murdoch, prove it.

Bring him to me !

Oh, I checked around. The girls are calling you "fatty-fat fat fat," and Nelson's planning to pull down your pants. But nobody's trying to kill ya. Oh, that's good. Fatty-fat fat fat. Fatty-fatty fat fat.

(LAUGHS) Pretended.

I've hidden it. To find it, you'll need to decipher a series of clues, each more fiendish-- - Got it. - D'oh! Behold gravity in all its glory!

Can't breathe. Sweet chocolate... cutting off air. Mmm! Nuts. Oh, yeah!

Like comedy clubs in the late ’80s... these ravenous clones are everywhere. They've destroyed every building in town... except Moe’s Tavern, which is reporting record business. - Huh? - Huh. Now, who’s gonna be picking up the tab? Lenny. Anything for Homers.

Ah, geez. Will you look at that? Hmm? What have we become? We've given the word "mob" a bad name.

Uh, be careful there, Homer. That is sort of a new table. Watch this, Ned. They don't call me Springfield Fats... just because I'm morbidly obese. Now you got a lawsuit on your hands. just kidding.

Wiggum. Yeah, right, buddy. Liquor store robbery, officer down. Sure.

English - US - Line 21

My heart is palpitating. Hoo-hoo!

And there's no one here to squeal on me for shootin' mice. - Can I ask you somethin', Dad? - Sure, boy. If the town keeps getting bigger, will there always be enough electricity? Aw, Son. You know that's none of your business. Say, is that our house?

There's still the far more serious problem of your husband. That's okay. You don't have to make her into some kind of superwoman. If she can get on the plane, that's plenty. Thank you, Doctor. Whenever the wind whistles through the leaves, I'll think Lowenstein. Lowenstein. My name is Zweig. Lowenstein.

Mr. Sherman, I understand you have two Pulitzer Prizes. Well, it's not like I carry them around with me. Ooh, it's so hot in here. Oh, look. Here's my People's Choice award. Five Golden Globes.

Because of you all I got A tune in my head and the only way to stop it is to make you all dead

"Honey Roasted Peanuts. "Ingredients: Salt, "artificial honey-roasting agents, pressed peanut sweepings." Mmm! Homer, I have to go out to pick up something for dinner. Steak? Money's too tight for steak. Steak? Mm, sure. Steak.

You're a natural, Mr. Simpson. Really? Uh-huh. All you need is your own set of clubs. And stay the hell out of my locker! You can keep the shoes.

Can't let Dad see me playing hooky! Can't let the boy see me skippin' work. Good afternoon. How do you do, sir? Sucker!

Cool train. Where does it go? Beats me. But it won't be back for three hours and 40 minutes. Once it had snow on it. Wow, Bart!

I'm so-- embarrassed.

To alcohol, the cause of and solution to... all of life's problems.

I made it the whole day without seeing her again. I mean, hello. I guess we'll be going down together. I mean, getting off together. I mean-- That's okay. I'll just push the button for the stimulator.

Hmm. We'll call it Desert Breeze. Mm-hmm. That appetite suppressant is amazing. Homer, you really have no desire to eat that food? Food? I'm blind!

And what's your name? Homer Simpson, sir. Simpson, eh?

So, it was pretty okay, huh? Mom, can we go to bed without dinner? Yes, we can. Well, at least I liked it. Didn't I? Oh, you don't want to know what I really think. Now, look sad and say "d'oh." D'oh.

I don't get it. Straight A's, perfect attendance, bathroom timer-- I should be the most popular girl in school.

Can't get enough of that Sugar Crisp I'm having a hard time seeing. Homer, did you remember to put the fog lights in? Guess I forgot to put the fog lights in I better pull over and play it safe.

Don't correct the man, Brat. Oh, boss, look what we brought-- gelatin desserts. Oh, for the love of Peter. That's all anybody brought. Some damn fool went around telling everyone I love that slimy goop. Well, toss it in the pile over there. And... make yourselves at home.

"Barnacle Bill's Home Pregnancy Test"? Homer, shouldn't we have gone with a better-known brand? But, Marge, this one came with a free corncob pipe. Okay, let's see. "Ahoy, mateys. "If the water turns blue, a baby for you.

Where's the baby? Where you left it. Shut up. Listen, fat boy-- No, you listen. This is my wife, and my kid. I'm paying for this delivery. If you wanna stay you give me some respect.

Fooling these Earth voters is easier than expected. Yes. All they want to hear are bland pleasantries... embellished by an occasional saxophone solo or infant kiss. Uh, Mr. President, sir,

I wish I was dead. Oy! But first, we have a special guest, Rainier Wolfcastle,

Bad, bad company Until the day I die

This is a very, very proud day for us-- especially me. Your father-- me-- beat city hall. It's just like David and Goliath, only this time David won. Oh. I know. I heard it too. Here's some musiC.

Hello, Bart. Sideshow Bob!

Now let's take a look at a young Charles Bronson's brief stint... replacing Andy Griffith in The Andy Griffith Show. Where's Otis? He's not in his cell. - I shot him. - Well, that's a-- What? Now I'm goin' down to Emmett's fix-it shop-- to fix Emmett.

You wish. That's the stage we call "Professor Barney." Talkative, coherent, even insightful. Here's drunk.

Forbearance is the watchword. That triumvirate of twinkies overwhelmed my resolve. There's another thing I want to talk about. Tut, tut, gentle Marge.

Hello, kitty. Ow! Oh, yeah, you little scamp!

Scared of what? All the funny camp songs we're gonna sing? We'll be safe inside our fortress when they come We'll be safe from creeps and killers when they come Unless they have a blow torch or a poison gas injector Then I don't know what'll happen when they come

Starring Fyvush Finkel as Krusty the Clown. i went through a five-year orgy of nonstop pills and booze, with nothing to show for it but four Emmys and a Peabody Award.

Those are my dress towels! Who's in my private washroom? McGuckett, let me in. - The door already is closed. - What? This is Colonel Leslie "Hap" Hapablap. If you don't open that door, I'll tear you up like a Kleenex at a snot party!

I'm a journalist. He's got all the money in the world but there's one thing he can't buy.

I'd kill you if I had my gun! Yeah, well, you don't. Lousy big shot. Thinks he's so big 'cause he's got a lot of guns. If he didn't have any guns, I'd show him a thing or two. What happens when he walks into my store? Then we'll see who's worried about five-day waiting periods.

That's what he thinks. I say it's none other than Bigfoot himself. Oh, no. I disagree. I think it is a man.

We'll be back after this commercial for Gabbo Airlines. And cut. That oughta hold the little S.O.B.s. Gabbo, quiet. Oh, I wouldn't wanna offend the little S.O.B.s. I wish you'd stop saying that. Hmm.

Oh, boy. All right, let's see here. Uh, well, I was born in Indiana. So that ain't it. And, uh-- Hmm.

Well, frankly, test scores like Larry's would call for a very generous contribution. For example, a score of 400 would require a donation of new football uniforms. Three hundred-- a new dormitory. And in Larry's case, we would need an international airport. Yale could use an international airport, Mr. Burns.

April Fools'! Now who's laughing? Now who's laughing? And that's the story of April Fools' Day. - Dad, I was telling the story. - Oh, right.

and the Springfield Baggy Pants Players. And now, a family that doesn't know the meaning of the word "canceled," the Simpsons!

Gonna paint your wagon gonna paint it fine gonna use oil-based paint 'cause the wood is pine ponderosa pine

Uh, doesn't work if you invite him. Hidilly-hey! Go home. Toodilly-do. Now don't you fret. When I'm through, he won't set foot in this town again. I can be very, very persuasive. Come on! Leave town!

Well, sir, it has been an uneventful week in Badger Falls, where the women are robust, the men are pink-cheeked, and the children are pink-cheeked and robust. What the hell's so funny?

Oh, man, that's good!

No, children, you're not seeing things. This, my little friends, is a schwa. Aah !

Take a hike, boss. I'm running things now. All hail King Homer.

Wow. You look really hungover, Dad.

I put Homer to bed, Abe. And now I'm going out.

Homer gets Powerful like a gorilla, yet soft and yielding like a Nerf ball. Now, at last, I have found it. Ladies and gentlemen, presenting the car designed for the average man, the Homer !

Well, dang blast it! Isn't anybody in this dad-gummed cemetery dead?

I'm Krusty the Clown, and I don't like you. I'm Krusty the Clown, and I'm going to kill you. Didn't even pull the string that time. I said I'm going to kill you. You, Homer Simpson. Oh, yeah? With what? Aah!

(LAUGHING NERVOUSLY)

You need a bib. Oh, baby hate bib. Oh, look, Bart. Now you got Maggie all upset. Relax. I'll give her some ice cream.

The other is like a hose without a fireman. Which way do you think that was, Mr. Simpson ? Like a hose, Your Wrinkled Highness.

We've tried nothing, and we're all out of ideas.

Mmm! Unprocessed fish sticks.

The folks at the senior center... sure will love that peach tree we planted. I wish we could see their happy faces. Sin of pride, Roddy. I'm sorry. Sin of regret. The house is slightly askew. To the panic room! Aaah!

Oh, oh, oh! You're so not listening! Okay, i hear that. i hear that, dudes!

Around the Mexican hat I dance, I dance, I dance And that's the end of that Or is it I guess I'll keep singing My cell phone appears to be ringing Hey! Barney, did you ever notice how hard it is to drive with your knees? Why don't you get one of those hands-free phones? It's the next best thing to paying attention to the road.

Ouch! But first, let's go to the boxing venue. Please, please, please, please, please! The American, Drederick Tatum, does a triumphant turkey trot over the supine Swede. One's thoughts turn to Alexander of Macedon's victory... at Granicus and issus.

He's getting away! Oh, not the Harrier! We've got a war tomorrow. God bless the idiot-proof Air Force. They're gone!

Whoa, all right ! No line !

Yeah, you're right. Guys are always patting my bald head for luck, pinchin' my belly to hear my girlish laugh. Hmm. That doesn't sound like they like you at all.

I was born in the wagon of a traveling show Mama used to dance for the money they'd throw Papa would do whatever he could Oh, oh ! And two of these things.

Well, as you can see, when the burglar trips the alarm, the house raises from its foundations... and runs down the street and around the corner to safety. Well, the real humans won't, uh, burn quite so fast in there. Aye!

I can't live the button-down life like you. I want it all-- the terrifying lows, the dizzying highs, the creamy middles. Sure, I might offend a few of the bluenoses... with my cocky stride and musky odors. Oh, I'll never be the darling of the so-called city fathers,

Why, you-- Master Burns! I mean, carry on. Me leg's gone gimpy! Who'll provide for me little ones?

Wow, what an ending. Who would have thought Darth Vader was Luke Skywalker's father? Well, thank you, Mr. Blow-The-Picture-For-Me. Marge, you're as pretty as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

All hail King Homer.

April Fools'. He's very much alive, although I'm afraid he may never walk again. Row, row, row your boat gently down the stream - Homie! Marge! Mmm-mmm! Homer has many, many horrible problems.

Hey, Bart, how about a blast from the past?

Hey, they done switched the groom with a pig! No wonder he was pooping so much. Ha-ha! Come on! Let's get those polecats!

A weema-way A weema-way A weema-way A weema-way, A weem-- Don't do that.

Milhouse! What? Tell Bart to come home! I think he's at Nelson's! Who's Nelson? Nelson?

And you wouldn't believe how many dead pigeons there were in the organ. Marge, you are a real time-saver. Do you know, thanks to you, I've rediscovered a form of shame... that's gone unused for 700 years? Wow! Lovejoy here. Reverend, this is Principal Skinner.

Fallout Boy! Uh-oh. My eyes. The goggles do nothing.

That does it! I'm going in! Bart, no! Cool, man!

Come on, Mom. Let's go. Mom? Are you okay?

Hmm. How could you let me turn into you? Bu-Bu-But the poncho! "Bu-Bu-But the poncho." Hit the road, square.

Ladies, when you were selected, you were told that you'd be dating a billionaire on his private island. Well, I'm afraid we misled you. (GASPING) Get ready, skanks. Here comes the truth train! This isn't an island. It's a peninsula. (DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)

Howdilly-hey, Camper Bart! Ready for today's meeting? You know-dilly know it, Neddy. Okilly-dokilly.

When I came to, she was gone, and the war had been over for eight months. Anyway, how'd you finally find me? All Mom ever said was my father was some pathetic clown. So I typed "pathetic clown" into a search engine and your name popped right up.

Here's a little something we learned in C.I.A.

Shut up, Becky! There, I finally said it. Drop the cone, sugar!

Mmm! Unprocessed fish sticks.

I got you a date with the perfect flower child-- Phyllis Diller. Let's get it on.

Uh, yeah, hi. I'm calling for Reverend Lovejoy. Who is this? Oh, well, this is, um, the, uh-- the Listen Lady. Yeah, well, listen, lady. I got so many problems, i-i don't even know where to begin here. Okay. Uh, why don't you start from the top?

"Helms calls for doughnut tax." There. Done and done.

So, another Friday is upon us. What will you be doing, Smithers? Something gay, no doubt? What? What?

Hello. I'm Nichelle Nichols of Star Trek. Oh! You finally accepted my invitation for tea and chit chat. Ew. Listen, I said it to Shatner and I'm saying it to you. There is no way I'm going to be dating a man with pie on his face. (SOBBING)

Oh. Ashley Grant! You gave a talk on women's issues at my school... on how we don't have to be second-class citizens. Mom, how can you leave us with this maniac? Hurry, Marge! If we get there early, we can get our pictures taken... with the two surviving Musketeers! There's also a baby somewhere upstairs. Oh. So, you're one of those "Don't call me a chick" chicks,

So, what do you think of the Lady Krusty mustache-removal system now, Angelique? It's "Krusterrific," johnny Unitas. - But is my upper lip supposed to bleed like this? - Probably.

Dad, how could you? We were connecting in such a meaningful way. We were what-what in the what-what? Yeah. Which reminds me, I need a sandwich. Hey. What's this? I don't know. Must be something I wrote before Moe fixed me.

That's okay. I'll just push the button for the stimulator.

Hey, you! Where'd you get that saxophone? Sears. Get him!

Well, Lisa, I would be proud if one of the eggs I sold turned out like you.

to place it on the ballot for next Tuesday's election. We gotta get out and stop that initiative! Marge, I'm gonna need 10,000 veggie burritos. No guac in mine. Good night, Homer. Dude, your mom is hot. Don't encroach on our roach! Got to run like an animal out of control

Could you rephrase that as an ethical question? Um... is it right to buy a Chrysler? Yes-- for great is the car with power steering and Dyna-Flo suspension. Papa? When I grow up, can I be a clown? No! A clown is not respected. I'll make people laugh.

Stupid mongoose! Get the snake! The snake! Do i look like a snake? Ow! Ow! Why isn't he listening to me? Ow! Show's over! Show's over! Next show at 8:00 and 10:00.

Now what I'm with isn't "it," and what's "it" seems weird and scary to me.

Yeah, hi. I got a special delivery for Homer Simpson. That's me! Don't write no more letters to Mr. Sinatra. I've got a special delivery for Homer Simpson. Uh, that's me. Stop stealing golf balls from the driving range.

Hmm. Looks like there's a jam in Delta sector. It's too big to be human. Send down a few kids. That should dislodge it. Roger. Doh ! I... can't... breathe !

we meet a man who's been hiccupping for 45 years. Kill me. Kill me. But first, we'll examine the growing Itchy and Scratchy mania...

I mean, what are the odds the boy would look in the vegetable crisper? How could you? Of all the terrible things you've ever done in your life, this is the worst, the most despicable! But, Marge, I swear to you, I never thought you'd find out!

So why don't you just waddle over there and get it ?

Steak? Money's too tight for steak. Steak? Mm, sure. Steak.

Can't you see I don't want to be Krusty anymore? - That's why I faked my death. - But we saw your plane crash. Yeah, but I wasn't in it. just before I hit the mountain, I jumped out of the plane... into a carefully placed net.

I guess youll be heading out on the first bus to the airport.

My name iS luka i live on the second floor Give me my car, fatty. This is my car! And I'm not fat! It's glandular! Right.

And scuff up the topless dancin' runway? - Nah. You best bring 'em back where from you got 'em. - Okay. Back you go... to waits for a woman of less discriminatin' tastes. Most folk'll never lose a toe and then again, Some folk'll

Big know-it-all. When's Todd's solo, Dad ? Shh ! It's coming up, son. It's coming up.

You know, that nuclear power plant will be opening soon. It's one of the few outfits around that won't require a college education. Me in a nuclear power plant. Kaboom !

Mmm. Bart, turn to the Financial Channel. Aunt Patty says our stock is skyrocketing.

now knocking Whitey unconscious. Wow. This is a-- This is a black day for baseball. Oh, cheer up, Mom. You can't buy publicity like that. Thousands and thousands of people saw your pretzels injuring Whitey Ford. You could call them "Whitey Whackers."

Fourteen dollars and 10, 11, 12 cents. There you go. You know, sir, tipping is customary. Ooh! Me sorry! Me no speaky Chiny! Mmm. Oh, General Gao, you were a bloodthirsty fool, but your chicken is delectable.

Ah, he's all right. But he's no bowl of Special "K." This is ridiculous. We're already married. But, Marge, we're not mass married. At least you got to choose your mate. We got matched up on the printout.

But I'm afraid we're out of options. Television must go. May God have mercy on our souls. And as my final newscast draws to a close, I'm reminded of a few of the events that brought me closer to you.

(METAL SQUEALING) - (SCREAMS) - (BARKS) (SCREAMS) Be careful! (SCREECHING) (SCREAMS) (GRUNTS)

Say, I hear a foghorn. Boring!

- You got any? - Always with the morphine. Mmm.

Whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. This movie’s turning into "SpongeBob NoPants.” Cut.

Help! Please help me! Willie, please! Mr. Van Houten has the floor. I, for one, would like to see the cafeteria menus in advance... so parents can adjust their dinner menus accordingly.

Yeah, well, good luck. Now, boys, let's see the suspect in that child abduction case. I shall never grow up. Uh, in jail you will.

I am the god Ganesh! This wedding angers me!

There's your problem.

Ow. Wait a minute, Scully. What's the point of this test? No point. I just thought he could stand to lose a little weight.

What do you call it? It's called a Flaming... ...Moe! It's called a Flaming Moe. That's right, a Flaming Moe. My name is Moe, and I invented it.

The Be Sharps. The Be Sharps. The Be Sharps. The Be Sharps. Why, you can't blame a guy for tryin'. Oh, you're all under arrest.

Captain, there appears to be some sort of spirit from an Earth holiday past. Mr. Scott, fire photon torpedoes. It's no use, Captain. He's showin' visions of me future. God, I'm so fat! I said fire!

Doctor, what is Amber's condition? Oh, she'll be fine. In fact, she's already won the Little Miss Intensive Care Pageant. Congratulations, Lisa. You're the new Little Miss Springfield. Here's your scepter. Oop!

Oh, you'll pay. Don't think you won't pay!

Let's see... I'll have 16 Gravy Scrape 'Ems, a bucket of Twisty Lard, and two Super Choker Breakfast Burritos with macho sauce. And mega-size it, please. SQUEAKY-VOICED TEEN: I could also deep-fry the bag. Great. And I'll have a Diet Coke deep-fried.

I'm sorry, Bart. You know my parents can't find out about us. And besides, if it's secret, it's even more exciting. I guess.

No. I-- I-- I mean just the Flanders family. Oh, okay. Oh, boy! Grandma! We're not going anywhere. But you said-- Uh, sometimes to keep from hurting someone's feelings, we have to say things that aren't exactly--

Oh, Margebot, I'm ready for some loving. (SCREAMING)

Homer, this-this is never easy to say. I'm gonna have to saw your arms off. They'll grow back, right? Oh, yeah. Whew.

Aurora borealis. Uh-- Aurora borealis at this time of year... at this time of day in this part of the country... localized entirely within your kitchen? Yes. May I see it? No.

Hey, kids, wanna drive through that cactus patch? Yeah! Yeah! No! Whoop, two against one.

That little snot boy. I'd like to smack that kid!

Get bent. No more Chernobyls! Go to hell!

Mm-hmm. Now fill out these forms. I'm sure you'll find them more exciting than a weekend with Batman.

Mmm. Grazie. Don Homer, my son, he has a-trouble with the-- Eh-eh-eh-eh-eh. Molto bene. That's a nice a-donut.

Yes, uh, wrote it, uh-- Well, uh, good luck, "Liser."

without giggling like a schoolgirl.

Oh, I heard about this. This is the one where Scratchy finally gets Itchy. Wow!

Uptown girl she's been living in her uptown world Will you turn that down just a little?

walk this way walk this way walk this way walk this way walk this way walk this way.

So, you workin' tomorrow at the home, Bart? Well, I finished my community service. Oh. Right. But I could swing by after school. I'll bring the limbo stick. Hot diggety!

Say, sport. Mind if I have the next dance? Wha-- D'oh! What the-- Don't sneak up on a-- Oh, you! No need for the blown gasket, Charlie. I'll have her back in one piece.

"Wife: Marjorie. Children: Bartholomew, Lisa"-- Aha! See? This thing is all screwed up! Who the heck is Margaret Simpson? Uh, your youngest daughter. "Uh, your youngest daughter." Well, how about this? This thing says my mother's still alive! She died when I was a kid! See that stone angel up there?

Figure them sugar folk owe me for what they done... to my cousin, Dia-Betty. I'm trying to slim down... so I can fit into Mama's coffin. That's my reward. Ugh. Now let's see if I can remember how's to make my mark.

Blast! I took mother's makeup kit by mistake. Oh, uh, excuse me, ma'am. Superintendent Chalmers. Oh, my God.

Oh! Thanks, Pinky! You've always been there for me. Has given you the call

I'll mace you good! That is completely taken out of context! Why you little-- Our children aren't safe with that monster!

Hmph. How about "Screw Flanders"?

Hey, look! A really small dog just fell out of Santa's girlfriend. Oh, my God! She's having babies! Oh, I'm sorry, girl. I thought you were just getting fat. Look! It's twins!

Bye, Unky Herb. Good-bye, Herb. Gee, Herb, because of me, you lost your business, your home and all your possessions.

Selma, Troy doesn't love you at all. He's only using you to squelch the rumors about his bizarre personal life... and further his career. You don't know what you're talking about, and I have to go now and see Troy.

Knightboat: the crime-solving boat. Homer, you promised. One night of family time a week. Besides, that back-talking boat sets a bad example. Says you, woman. All right, family time begins now.

Look, Smithers, a twitch.

Oh, I love legitimate theater.

We know all your secrets. And you pilfered the poor box. And, Doctor, we know that you and the bootblack... have been rogering the fishwife in the crumpet shop. Lies! How dare you! Get them! Quickly! We can't have that.

If it werent for Alcoholics Anonymous... I'd still be sucking the juice out of glow sticks. I’ve been there. I am so sorry for all your horrible problems. But this is our dog's room now.

Head her off at the stairs! Bart, you go around that way and cut her off! Hooray, hooray oh, here's A merry Sleigh jingling, jingling jingling, jingling santa's on his way

Percodan? Aw, crap!

And they shouted out with glee Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer You'll go down in history Like Attila the Hu-- You little--

I'll give you this bottle of chloroform if you'll take us to the Who. D'oh! Oh, so you wanna see the Who, huh? Well, I'll take you to the Who. Here's your Who! I thought we fired that guard. Oh, yeah. Right. I got fired by the Who. Whatever you say, pal.

Let us celebrate our new arrangement with the adding of chocolate to milk.

I can't go ! It's my girlfriend Bea's birthday.

Hey, Dad. What's the word from planet Crackpot?

Why didn't I think of that? Hammocks! Homer, there's four places. There's the Hammock Hut. That's on Third. Uh-huh. There's Hammocks-R-Us. That's on Third too. - You got Put-Your-Butt-There. - Mm-hmm. - That's on Third. Swing Low, Sweet Chariot. - Right. Matter of fact, they're all in the same complex. It's the hammock complex on Third. Oh, the hammock district.

Hurry, Charlie. There is not much time. I ain't goin' nowhere. I been in this square pert' near 30 seasons, and I ain't a-leavin' now.

But I'll just draw bunny faces on them to scare Maggie away. She's not afraid of bunnies. She will be.

Oh, no ! Come on ! Don't let the-- Aaah ! Oh, no, not again. Get over to the-- Aaah !

Homer, what's wrong? That doll tried to kill me. I'd say that the pressure's finally gotten to Dad, but what pressure? Don't leave me alone with him.

Oh, that's my old unit from Vietnam. I was their sergeant. They were my loyal troops. That photo was taken shortly before I was shot in the back,

More. Mmm! I don't understand it. James Coco went mad in 15 minutes.

julius! Clancy! Skinner! Seymour! Mother. - Patty? - Cletus! Oh, uh, Barney.

Hmm, this one's done in different handwriting. Oh, uh, I wrote that one... after Bart somehow put this tattoo on my butt. Ha-ha!

I've gone back to the time... when dinosaurs weren't just confined to zoos!

Otto, welcome. Apu, hey. Got a bad case of the munchies, man. Time for a heat-lamp dog. Did you know there's a child in your bus? Good thing you warned me. I was heading to Mexico.

Oh, my God! What is it? "Tramampoline." "Trambapoline." He said what now? Please, don't bring home any more old crutches. Oh, no, you don't. That trampoline is mine!

I get to clothe the leper! Lucky! Suppertime, boys. Oh, boy! Liver! Iron helps us play! I wanna go home.

There's very little meat in these gym mats. Our demands are very reasonable. By ignoring them, you're selling out these children's futures. Oh, come on, Edna! We both know these children have no future! Prove me wrong, kids. Prove me wrong.

D'oh! - D'Oh! - D'Oh! Whoo-hoo! Eww! Did you have to be so graphic?

When it adjourned, I rushed to the lavatory... to apply my camouflage makeup. Blast! I took mother's makeup kit by mistake. Oh, uh, excuse me, ma'am. Superintendent Chalmers. Oh, my God.

Can you believe it? Tradition forbids me even to speak to the woman... I'm about to spend my life with. Has the whole world gone crazy? Nah. Just your screwy country. Your old friend Apu is a lamb being led to the slaughter. Don't worry, Apu. Someday, you'll meet someone you really love.

Come on. This one's easy. We give up. Well, guess! Book of Revelations. Fire-breathing lion's head. Tail made out of snakes. Who else is it gonna be? Jesus? Je-- je-- Ohh! Don't you kids know anything? The serpent of Reheboam?

Man, this place looks expensive! I feel like I'm wasting a fortune just standing here. Better make the most of it. Ow! Watch it, coney!

I was strolling through the gas one day Nice work, Smithers.

Dad, this doesn't have your name on it.

I am richer than you.

Bart! That car belonged to Bonnie and Clyde. Show a little respect. Mm-hmm.

Don't hurt us ! Oh, we surrender. W-W-We were only followin' orders ! Eww ! Knock it off !

I want you to stop seeing her. I can't. I'm her manager. Her manager! That's ridiculous. I won't allow you to spend any more time away from your family. You're standing in the way of my boyhood dream... of managing a beautiful country singer!

Castellaneta, gone. Kavner, cut. Cartwright, cut. Smith, sorry. Cut. Azaria and Shearer, you're cut. Firestone, you're cut. So is judge. Namath, you stay. All of those people are cut. Bill Schultz and Wolf and Silverman. Goldreyer. O'Brien, Doyle, Selman, I don't know what you--

English - US - Line 21

Go ahead-a, Bart. Take-a the Bonestorm. The store, she's so rich she'll-a never notice. Duh, it's the company's fault for making you want it so much. Don't do it, son. How's that game gonna help your putting? just take it! Take it, take it, take it, take it, take it! Take it!

Arrest me? Um, my address, it's, um, 123 Fake Street.

"R," "Q," "G." Question mark. Smiley face. Next. Wait a minute. It says here you're single. Did I do wrong?

Ooh, ooh. Ow! I quit. No. No. No!

Don't you ever come near my daughter again! Never have I heard such gratuitous use of the word "butt"!

They thrive on consistency, predictability... and a life with no surprises.

Then I got my big break. I was on Steve Allen's Tonight Show. Now, a brilliant jazz musician who's inspired me to do some improv poetry.

Mr. Burns, I've had enough of your... posing. I can finish the portrait myself. Thank goodness. Another day in this suburban nightmare and I would've needed half a Valium. Thank you for your gracious hospitality. See you at the unveiling.

Come on, jimmy. Let's take a peek at the killing floor. Don't let the name throw you, jimmy. It's not really a floor. It's more of a steel grating... that allows material to sluice through so it can be collected and exported.

It's Suds McDuff! With a shuttle craft of genuine draft! Whoo-ha! Ooh! A party. Duff. The official beer of NASA-- National Association of the Sellers of Alcohol. Yay! Why does a dog have human girlfriends?

I'd like you to meet-- Aah! It's Sideshow Bob! What the..?

Yo, Bart. There's no room left in the grotto. Who's that adult?

Maggie is allergic to strained pears, and she likes a bottle of warm milk before nap time. A bottle? Mrs. Simpson, do you know what a baby's saying when she reaches for a bottle? "Ba-ba?" She's saying, "I am a leech." Our aim here is to develop the bottle within.

Yes, Simpson, your love of food is contagious. I've never felt jollier. Ooh. There go my shin bones again.

This boy's appendix is inflamed and about to burst,

just follow me. Put your hand on my hip. Okay.

- You win, Bart. - Lisa ! Are we there yet, Dad ? I'll tell you when. Go back to your smell game. Homer, I'm telling you. This is not the interstate. Maps. Shouldn't we stop somewhere and ask for directions ?

Your husband sees you as nothing. Oh. Okay. Well, thank you. No, no, no, don't hang up. The pig has made you into his mother. You are not the hot love object you deserve to be. Really ? I'm as sure of it as I'm sure my voice is annoying. Tonight, the second he comes through that front door,

Ptooh, their flower power-- it's no match for my glower power. Well, that's some nice glowering, Mr. "B."

One groom-- Two grooms? But he-- But you can't-- Oh, my medication! Radical! Is that your final answer?

They're dogs, and they're playing poker! Aaah!

Hmm. What's an "eltdown"? Eh.

I am the thing from Uranus! Oh, it's Bart. I can't believe it. I'm being mocked by my own children on my birthday. It's your birthday? Yes. Remember, it's the same day as the dog's. Santa's Little Helper, it's your birthday?

I mean, I think I hear something. Why, here's Alison's real diorama. It got misplaced, or so it would seem. Oh, well, that changes everything. Let's have a look. Get the ribbon ready. Oh.

It doesn't seem to matter now. So the following people are gay. - Turn it off. - just a second.

- Hi. - I have soy milk. The doctor says the real kind could kill me. I wish I was interesting like you. - You're funny. - I am? Yeah.

- Am I turning you on? - No.

But it comes with a free frogurt. That's good. The frogurt is also cursed.

Look at those poor saps back on land with their "laws" and "ethics." They'll never know the simple joys of a monkey knife fight.

Hmm. That's what we look like inside? It's disgusting. Oh. That lady swallowed a baby.

Come to Daddy! I'm sorry, Maggie. I never realized things between us had gotten this bad. What are you pointing at? The ocean?

We'll be right back.

Oh! Why did I have to stop at the railroad tracks? Better get Some change. It's okay. It's okay. I'm back. See? Daddy's here.

paving the way for an invasion by the saucer people. You fool! Can't you see it's a massive government conspiracy? Or have they gotten to you too? Hey, hey, hey! Stop it! Stop it!

Okay, no big deal! Stupid Lisa! Gotta build fast. Cement drying! All right. Let's see. Ohh, English side ruined! Must use French instructions! "Le grille"? What the hell is that?

Gosh, that cheese looks good. Think I could grab it before that anvil hits? I don't know, Chief. It's a million to one. I like those odds. My mistake was grabbing the cheese.

I have here the only working phaser ever built. It was fired only once: to keep William Shatner from making another album.

Homer, have we hit international waters yet? Because, uh, things are gettin' real ugly.

(FUNNY VOICE) I'm here to deliver a package to Marge Simpson.

Oh, no! We're out of gas. I couldn't figure out this stupid Italian gas gauge. I've gotta get to school!

Eat my shorts. All right, I'll eat-- Eat your shorts? Yeah, eat my shorts. ButtmaN na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na buttman Buttman?

Dad ! Homer, what happened ? Oh, the boy. Bring me the boy.

Bart, put that down! Guns are very dangerous, and I won't have them in this house. How can you have a house without a gun? What if a bear came through the door? I'm going to bury it in the yard where little hands can't get to it. You should have fired into the air. She would have run off.

Mmm ! Stay here, boy.

Bart! Mmm! Apple.

Barney, how did you join the group? They found me on the men's room floor. - Principal Skinner-- - Mm-hmm? You've been referred to as "the funny one." Is that reputation justified? Yes. Yes, it is.

See? It was all your imagination. Homer, I want you to go down to that club and talk to them. See what kind of people they are. Please, Homie. Oh, all right. Hmm.

How about Chairman Moe's Magic Wok? I like it! Nah. I want something that says people can have a nice, relaxing time. I got it! Madman Moe's Pressure Cooker! I like it! Hey, how about Uncle Moe's Family Feedbag? I hate it.

That's just drunk talk. Sweet, beautiful drunk talk.

You can't kill the undead, silly. He's undead, all right. Are you a zombie? Oh, I wish! You see, that night when you hit me with your car-- I'm making record time on this fog walk. Better pick up the pace.

Sir, if you just quiet down, I'd be happy to treat you to a garbage bag full of popcorn.

Homie, do you ever drink alone? Does the Lord count as a person?

She should be ashamed.

What card? I wrote down what I was going to say on a card. Stupid thing must have fallen out of my pocket. Is this it? What's it say? "Marge, from the first moment I saw you "I never wanted to be with anyone else.

Well, sir, it has been an uneventful week in Badger Falls, where the women are robust, the men are pink-cheeked, and the children are pink-cheeked and robust.

Now I'd like to introduce... a new feature never before seen on TV-- "Dumb Pet Tricks." Oh, boy. Here's a dog that's been trained to catch this red rubber ball. Oh! Somebody shoot it. Somebody shoot it.

Yes! Oh, yes! Read it and weep! In your face! I've got more chicken bone! What did you wish for? No! Don't say. Otherwise, it won't come true. Ooh, that would be a shame. Wouldn't it, Flanders?

Seamless, huh? You're fired.

"Helms calls for doughnut tax."

Hey. Where is everybody? Hey. There's a bug that looks like Dad. Let's kill it. Okay.

All right, you big ape. Get a snoot full of this gas bomb. I was strolling through the gas one day

So sit back and enjoy a night of worry-free-- What the fudge-- Oh, for Pete's sake! Jiminy Christmas! Darn it!

All right, boy! Which con did you work here? Copy off another kid? Pay attention and take notes? Well, take note of this. (CHOKING) (CHUCKLES) (CHOKING) (CHUCKLES) (SIGHS) Bart really did get 100.

We tried to stop the kid, but he wouldn't quit. He went crazy. Prostitution, loan sharking, numbers-- The kid liked to wet his beak in everything.

Well, that's surprising. They're controlling our minds with flu shots. I knew it! Well, kids, now aren't you glad we don't believe in inoculations? Yea! Mommy? Hey, Mr. X, I got a tip for you.

Can I help you? Yeah. I'm looking for Homer Simpson. Oh! It's the woman I married in Vegas! Homer, you're a bad man. And your seed should be wiped from the earth. No offense, children.

Bart! Oh, I see Bart gets to have a gun. You lied to me! You promised to get rid of this gun. I put it in a safe place, Marge. I mean, what are the odds the boy would look in the vegetable crisper?

- Principal Skinner-- - Mm-hmm? You've been referred to as "the funny one." Is that reputation justified? Yes. Yes, it is.

See? Hmm. Homer, I thought you were an animal, but your daughter said you were a decent man. I guess she was right. You're both right.

Resident. Occupant. Hmm. Free sample of Lemon Time. Ooh, give it here. Homer, that's dishwashing liquid! Yeah, but what are ya gonna do? Ooh! They're having a retirement party for someone at the plant.

just screwin' with your mind.

Thank you, Mr. Bergstrom. All aboard ! So I guess this is it. If you don't mind, I'll just run alongside the train as it speeds you from my life.

He's up in his room. Don't touch the wallpaper. Ba-ba-ba-bum Ba-ba-ba-bum Now a little more allegro than last time. Bart! Welcome. Can I offer you a diet caffeine-free Dr. Pepper... or an individual fruit cocktail cup?

No Tommy Tune, eh? Oh, that's it! You insulted my honor! Your what now? I demand satisfaction! I challenge you to a duel!

So sad. Yet so sexy.

ts made from old Soviet tanks. Just fix it, Mr. Sass-wrench. Homer, please, the last thing you need is more enemies. Right, right. I'm counting the pennies in the ashtray. There's two.

When will all those fools learn that you can be perfectly healthy... simply eating vegetables, fruits, grains and cheese? Ooh, cheese! You don't eat cheese, Apu? No, I don't eat any food that comes from an animal. Oh! Then you must think I'm a monster.

Lisa, Lisa! Where were you? You missed the most incredible thing! Hi, Dad. I ate seven pounds of fudge! Wow! The man at the stand said it was a record.

Aw, they're not so tough. Chief, that wasn't a monster. That was the captain of the high school basketball team. Uh, yeah, well, he was turning into a monster though.

I think you're making him angry.

M-Maggie Simpson!

And now it's time for me to go to hell.

Go ahead, shock me. Well, just a little one. Homer, it-it's stuck.

I'm an amendment to be Yes, an amendment to be And I'm hopin' that they'll ratify me There's a lot of flag burners Who have got too much freedom I wanna make it legal for policemen to beat 'em 'Cause there's limits to our liberties

Better luck next time, "Tommy. Virginia Beach."

The clown is down. Judge Snyder, motion to declare a writ of boys will be boys. Motion granted. Case dismissed!

Come on. Don't be stuck-up. It's going to be great. Well, why not? This party's just getting started! Stop the celebration! That small boy is drunk!

Look, Mom. They have your dress. Thirty-three cents? I paid almost double that. Blue? Wow! This plankton's only 33 cents. According to the Mexican Council of Food, this expired two years ago.

Sure. Come on, Smokey, do your Smokey shuffle. (BOTH CLAPPING) Well, I don't care what you say. She still loves us more. Don't you, Snowball? (HISSING) (MEOWING)

Huh. You kids don't know what you want. That's why you're still kids-- 'cause you're stupid!

Hi, Homer. Mindy! Uh-- Oh, no, I'm sweating like Roger Ebert. Mu-- Murphy, youse-- You are a elf-- Uncontrollably, I think-- Look at those two inseparable chums, Smithers.

Conditions are a little windy. - On second thought, I think maybe I'll-- - You! But I-- Hey. You're not just impersonating a pilot so you can drink here, are ya? Yeah. That's exactly why I'm here. You flyboys. You crack me up. But I keep telling ya, I'm not a pilot!

The Catholic Church-- we've made a few changes.

Oh, yes. That is a new item. No bar contains more applesauce. Hmm. "A bushel of apples packed in each bar... "plus the secret ingredient that unleashes... the awesome power of apples." Wow!

Mmm! Sprin-kles.

I call it the Burns Omni-Net. It sweeps the sea clean. Oh, dear God. I call our product li'l Lisa's Patented Animal Slurry.

Sure, I might offend a few of the bluenoses... with my cocky stride and musky odors. Oh, I'll never be the darling of the so-called city fathers, who cluck their tongues, stroke their beards, and talk about what's to be done with this Homer Simpson. Look, just get rid of the sugar, okay?

Hey, Bart, look! Krusty trading cards! The long-awaited Eighth Series! "Krusty visits relatives in Annapolis, Maryland." "Krusty poses for trading card photo." Hmm. He seems to be running a little low on ideas.

Now look what you've done, you little freaks! Young man, your gargantuan cone... is making a mockery of our self-serve policy. Bart, look. It's Principal Skinner, and I think he's gone crazy.

We've been able to coax superstar James Taylor in here to Mission Control... to wish you well and play you a little of his own brand... of laid-back, adult contemporary music. Wow, former president james Taylor. How ya doin', fellas? With all due respect, Mr. Taylor, this isn't the best time for your unique brand of bittersweet folk rock.

I'm sure it is, but why do we want to do that ? Because sometimes the only way you can feel good about yourself... is by making someone else look bad. And I'm tired of making other people feel good about themselves.

I want peas. We all want peace! But it's always just out of reach. Oh! Uh-huh. So, what's the best way to get peace? With a knife! Exactly! Not with the olive branch, but the bayonet. Oh, Simpson! You're like the son I never had.

Oh! That bed was just right! Oh, no!

Now, my story begins in nineteen dickety-two. We had to say "dickety," 'cause the kaiser had stolen our word "twenty." I chased that rascal to get it back... but gave up after dickety-six miles. Dickety? Highly dubious.

On the other hand, who's to say what's right these days, what with all our modern ideas... and products?

First, Bush invades my home turf, then he takes my pals, then he makes fun of the way I talk... probably. Now he steals my right to raise a disobedient, smart-alecky son! Well, that's it! Hey, Bush! Get out here!

We could try selling liquor. Uh, I'm doing great. Please, sir. Put some shoes on. What? You don't like my bags? People, these are all good ideas-- No, they're not. They're terrible, terrible ideas.

I've got a dad that looks like a monkey. Bart, you promised you'd stop making that comparison! Per our agreement!

Now we play the waiting game. Ah, the waiting game sucks. Let's play Hungry Hungry Hippos.

I didn't say "no" exactly. Really? Hot damn! All right, don't eat nothin' for the next three days, 'cause I'm taking you out for a steak the size of a toilet seat.

You haven't set aside anything for the future. You know how it is with cops. I'll get shot three days before retirement. In the business we call it "retirony." What if you don't get shot? What a terrible thing to say. Now, look. You made my wife cry.

I wish we could have found a sitter for Maggie. Super fun happy slide! No, Dad. Oh! I guess killing will be fun enough.

I'm worried about the kids, Homie. Lisa's becoming very obsessive. This morning, I caught her trying to dissect her own raincoat. I know. And this perpetual motion machine she made today is a joke. It just keeps going faster and faster.

Bart. Bart. Bart, Bart, Bart, Bart. Bart. Bart. I can't think with all this noise. What am I supposed to do? Pick up Bart. Pick up Bart. "Pigabar"? What the hell is "pigabar"?

Marge! Well, I'm sorry! And you have to cut these up first, otherwise animals get caught in them.

Ohh. Who or what could have done such a horrible thing ? It was probably just a wallaby. Now, come on. Oh, well, okay. Hello, Dolly.

What, never? No, never What, never Hardly ever He's hardly ever sick at sea

Did you have a nice flight, Johnny Tightlips?

A fellow came in asking for change for a dollar. I gave him three quarters by mistake. Took me the whole afternoon to find him.

I don't even know what that is.

you've had less than eight kids, haven't you? Haven't you?

We have another jumper on the roof of T.G.I. McScratchy's.

Can I ask you about your dot? What would you like to know? What's the deal with that dot? Can you see out of it? Does it change colors when you're ticked off? You tell me. Nothing yet. Surely you children are aware of your Brahman heritage? As long as you have absolutely no follow-up questions--

(INDISTINCT CHATTER) All right, I'm coming back there! APU: Save me, Shiva! NED: Why don't you just call out for Hawkman? APU: Why don't you shut up?

You took a baptismal for me. How do you feel? Oh, Bartholomew, I feel like St. Augustine of Hippo... after his conversion by Ambrose of Milan. Wait! Homer! What did you just say?

(SIGHS) Whew. (GRUNTING) (SIGHS) Oh, you stupid son of a...

dancing? Whoa. Ooh.

I guess it would be a hoot to have my face on everything. Oh, Mrs. Simpson, you must pursue your dreams, like my old dream of coming to America and starting a family. Or my new dream of ditching my family and sneaking back to India in disguise. Apu? Never heard of him.

From "A" apple to "Z" zebra, Baby's First Pop-up Book is 26 pages of alphabetic adventure. Bart, you mean to tell me you read a book intended for preschoolers? Well, most of it.

I'm just saying I can get along in life without a "toothbrush." Namaste. And a-ooga-booga to you too. May I tell you about our white-light specials? Absolutely not. My little girl's tummy hurts.

There is the unpleasant matter of the bill. Get to the point. 1150 bones. That's all I got.

This is Kent Brockman with a special report from the Channel 6 News copter. A large bearlike animal, most likely a bear, has wandered down from the hills in search of food or, perhaps, employment. Please remain calm. Stay in your homes.

Hey, Lise, we're characters in a cartoon.

And the winner of the blimp ride is... Homer Simpson! Oh, my God! Hey, there, blimpie boy flying through the sky so fancy free

D'oh! Mmm, chocolate. D'oh! Marge, we need some more vanilla, chocolate and strawberry ice cream. I'll get some at the store tomorrow, Homer.

Hi, honey. How was your first day of school? Honey?

Oh! I ain't fer it. I'm agin it!

Kent, this city has exploded in a fireball of pent-up rage! I think what the viewers want to know, Arnie, is, is my house okay?

You ugly, hate-filled man! Hey-- Hey, I may be ugly and hate-filled, but I've, um-- What was the third thing you said?

Make us proud, Son. Never forget who you are. Don't make the same mistake I did. Oh, forgive me, Mother. Father, I've failed you.

(GROANS) Activate cloaking device! Oh, I'm so depressed. Engage candy bar.

ShAving my shoulders I'm gettin' it all shaved off Homie, someone's at the door. They want to talk to you about some sort of car accident? Take the kids out back. I'll handle this.

And then I created the voice of Yellow-bellied Yak. All I need is some courage. Courage, I tell ya.

I bet if God wore pants, he'd have a belt like that. This isn't a belt. It's a tactical pants retaining system. Check it out. Compass, matches, whistle, saw, panic button, squirrel snare, radon/lie detector, sphygmomanometer, and it's even got turn signals. - Wow, neat! - Uh-oh!

Simpson, this evening has gone so flawlessly,

Sneeze, puke, burp, fart,

Hmm. Oh, well. Oh, good morning, Maude. Morning, Marge. Um, did your husband come home last night? Of course he did. Really? Oh.

Can I play the piano anymore Of course you can Well, I couldn't before Dr. Zaius, Dr. Zaius This play has everything. Oh, I love legitimate theater. Dr. Zaius, Dr. Zaius

Name me one person who's gotten rich by doing yo-yo tricks. Donald Trump? No. Arnold Palmer? No. Bill Cosby? No. D'oh!

Honey, why don't you give that thing a rest? You're taking the finish off. When you win one, you can take care of it however you want.

What is my current financial situation? Great. I hear "great." All right. Let's have a look at my stock portfolio. Hmm. Confederated Slave Holdings. How's that doing? It's, uh, uh, steady. I'm sure all your stocks are doing well, sir. After all, you chose them. Mm-hmm.

"Enclosed is a personally autographed photo... "of America's favorite cat and mouse team to add to your collection. "In regards to your specific comments about the show, "our research indicates that one person cannot make a difference... "no matter how big a screwball she is. So let me close by saying--" "And the horse I rode in on" ?

Uh-uh-uh. I've decided to protect myself. Ever since I was attacked in my office by an unidentified assailant.

Hey, Simpson, I hear your sister dumped Christianity. Who cares? I'll tell you someone who cares. He's got long hair, works as a carpenter, has a lot of crazy ideas about love and brotherhood. His name's Gunnar, and he's dating my mom. Sometimes he buys us beer.

Whoa! Uh, are you all right, man? Uh, I think so. How about now? Ha-ha! That was no accident. Shame on you, Nelson. Cram it, ma'am.

Gee, Homer, this all looks so garish.

Hmm. Hey, good evening, Hezron, Carver of Graven Images. Ah, good evening, Homer the Thief. How is business ? Been a little slow these past few months. Not much to steal in the desert. Ah, do not worry, my friend. I figure we'll be wandering out here another two weeks, tops.

Give me the bat, Marge. Give me the bat. Give me the bat. Come on. Give me the bat. Give me the bat, bat, ooh. Scaredy-cat.

(CROWD LAUGHING)

Stop it! Breathe through your damn mouth! Oh! Oh, can't you see this man isn't a hero? He's annoying. He's very, very annoying!

Oh, those Golden Grahams Oh, those Golden Grahams

Dad! I figured it out! The murderer is- I know. Frank Grimes, Jr. Huh? Precisely. Take him away, boys. That's nice work, Bob.

Dear Lord! It's a demon bird! Simpson! See you at reveille, 0500 tomorrow! See you at the I.R.S.! See you in hell! From heaven.

(SIREN BLARING) (SENIORS GASPING) Yo, yo, yo! Give it up for M.C. Birthday! I say a birth, a day, a birth-a-de-day Now my good time gang will blow you away (ALL SCREAMING) Never leave the day room. Never leave the day room. Never leave the day room.

Who's the black private dick that's the sex machine to all the chicks Shaft. You're damned right. Who's the cat that won't cop out When there's danger all about Shaft Right on.

Out of the frying pan! Yuck! All right, uh, let's get started on lunch. And-- Wait. Where's Lenny? Hello? Can anybody hear me? I think I found a way out.

What is it about music that enchants us? The notes. Our next award is sponsored by Heinrich's Bratwurst. "Papa, can we have a Heinrich's Bratwurst?"

I'll bet whoever gave him those dogs is kicking themselves now. Homer! For the love of God, no! Marge, you know that batting this lightbulb is the only thing that cheers me up... after giving away those million-dollar greyhounds!

I'd like to file for... divorce.

I did it. I made it all the way to-- Aw, crap! It just keeps going! I give up.

Well, well, well. Looks like a couple of punks are gonna be taking "The Last Train to Clarksville." That's the Monkees, Chief. Go wait in the car.

Dad, if you just drink one more I'll have a full bag. Oh, but Daddy doesn't feel so good. There's gotta be more trash around here somewhere. Hey. Why don't you try the old folks' home? They practically live in their own filth. Thanks, Dad. You're welcome, honey.

Hello. I'm Shary Bobbins. Did you say Mary Pop-- No. I definitely did not. I'm an original creation, like Ricky Rouse and Monald Muck.

People of Earth, we've come ten billion light-years to bring you this halftime message of peace. One, two, three o'clock, four o'clock rock five, six, seven o'clock, eight o'clock rock nine, ten, eleven o'clock, twelve o'clock rock we're gonna rock around the world tonight Oh, this sucks.

What? It's not "Magaggie's" birthday? Oh. Hey! Hey! Hey! Stop it! I made a special cake for you to ruin. It's over there. Ooh.

Excellent, Zutroy. Work hard and each day you'll get a shiny penny. Agent Wesson, Department of Labor. This man's an illegal alien. That's preposterous. Zutroy here is as American as apple pie.

Here we sit enjoying the shade Hey, brother pour on the wine - Drink the drink that I have - made - Hey, brother pour on the wine He's here at last my one and only Good-bye friends And don't be lonely Hey, brother pour on the wine Marge, I need you ! Hey, Homie, did you try the punch ? Snap out of it, Marge.

Any questions ? What does this monstrosity cost ?

This is the end beautiful friend

Obesity is really unhealthy. Any doctor will tell you that. Oh, yeah? Well, we'll just see about that, little Miss Smart Guy. My God! That's monstrous. I've never heard of anything so negligen-- I'll have no part of it.

Oh, look at this place. Hoo. We must have really painted the town last night. I have a pounding headache, my mouth tastes like vomit, and I don't remember a thing. Welcome to my world.

Now, Mr. Lampwick, when Roger Myers stole your character-- Objection. Sustained. If I hear "objection" and "sustained"... one more time today, I think I'm going to scream. Objection. Sustained. Roger Myers didn't create any of his characters.

between NBC's Must-See Thursday and CBS's Saturday night Crap-o-rama. Another Duff, Homer? Nah. It's Friday night, Moe. I wanna try something special. Uh, sure. Sure. Here you go. DÜff, from Sweden. Go!

Welcome aboard the ship of... lost souls. The name on the back says Honeybunch. Yarr, I've been meaning to paint over that. Now come and meet the rest of the damned. Did I mention they're... lost souls? Well, actually you did.

I think we have a winner. What'd I miss? Homer, please pay attention.

Uh-oh, SpaghettiOs!

I'm Troy McClure, and I'll leave you with what we all came here to see: hard-core nudity!

No. It's evil. Please! Stop recycling! Stop. You can't mix plastic with paper. Oh! Oh!

Last chance. Oh, yeah. Mr. Burns, we've got witnesses, precedent and a paper trail a mile long. Yes, well, I have 10 high-priced lawyers.

Yeah, it sure is.

(SCREAMS) (SCRATCHY GRUNTING) (SIGHS)

Dad, nerds are nothing to fear. In fact, they've done some pretty memorable things. Some nerds of note include popcorn magnate Orville Redenbacher, rock star David Byrne and Supreme Court justice David Souter. Oh, not Souter! Oh, no!

There's our secret meeting place. - Yes. Let's go inside. - Sounds good.

Go back to bed, Mother. I've got it under control. Listen, you crumb-bums. If you think I'm impressed, I am not. I-- Oh, brandishing your buttocks is only getting me angrier. I want to see what's going on! No, mother! Don't look out the window!

Financial panther, eh? Mr. Simpson, you're a dollar overdrawn. Get him, Sheba! I'm on board.

We wouldn't have a tire yard or a midsized roller rink We wouldn't have our gallows or our shiny Bigfoot trap It's not the mayor's fault that the stadium collapsed Quimby. If you were running for mayor, he'd vote for you. Paid for by the Mayor Quimby for Mayor Mayoral Committee.

Why didn't you say so? Get him, boys. The hooligans! Bash his eyes out! It's a beautiful day to kick your ass! You die now!

Dad, what is that? Well, if Bart can be El Barto- Oh, if only I had your courage, senor. Oh, thanks-

What's that you say? You can live without television... as long as you have beer? That's right. Wrong. All beer trucks heading toward Springfield have been diverted. This town will be as dry as a bone.

Attention. This is an emergency broadcast. All is well in the school. My authority as principal is total-- Give me that! Attention, teachers. We're on strike!

Oh, Margie, you came and you found me a turkey On my vacation away from workie

Have you found a picture yet? Not one that I want the public to see. Mmm. Oh. Mmm. Oh, dear.

Get bent. That's my third monocle this week. I simply must stop being so horrified.

And the next man wants to hit the ball too. And there he goes off in that direction. And everyone is happy. Mom, why don't you let me call the game? That's all right, dear. I can do it.

Hear ye! Hear ye! Hear ye! He is not the official town crier! Police, do something! Well, I'd like to, ma'am, but he's too damn good. Let him march, boys. Let the man march.

Patty, I want a baby.

Hi, you've reached the Corey Hotline-- 4.95 a minute. Here are some words that rhyme with Corey: Glory, story-- allegory, Montessori.

You really think it's a good idea to give that freak his job back? Ah, he seems to know the students' names.

Hey, Simpson ! Hey, how'd you get in here ? Eh, your door wasn't locked in any serious way. I wonder if you'd be interested in this car stereo ? A $500 value, but I'll let you have it for 40 bucks. Get out of my house ! I don't wanna associate with criminals ! Maybe I'll go see your neighbor. He's not home !

The Re-Deadening? Is that any good? Good? I'm in it. I had a small speaking role. Yeah. I went to visit him and was banned from the set. Mr. Leonard, how do you get in a movie?

Oh, uh, Barney. Clancy! Hey, come on! You did me twice!

Voodoo priests of Haiti, the Tibetan numerologists of Appalachia, the unsolved mysteries of Unsolved Mysteries. The truth is out there! Who'd have thought a whale could be so heavy? Geez, it's the feds!

Marge, I know you didn't believe me about the vending machines. That's why I had the firemen write me a note. "Mrs. Simpson: While we were rescuing your husband, a lumberyard burned down." D'oh! Lumber has a million uses.

You guys are nuts! All you can do is eat and sleep... and mate and roll around in your own filth... and mate and eat- Where do I sign up?

A round of applause please for Anastasia! She loves show business. So much nicer than the savagery of the jungle, ja?

Thank you, sweet clown. In death, you saved us all. i'm not dead. I can still hear his voice on the wind.

So, Professor, tell us about Operation Hoyvin-Mayvin. Well, we knew perfectly well it was addictive. Candy was just a sugar delivery system. We thought we were God. Hoyvin-mayvin.

Think of the children!

Oh, don't be a wuss.

So, like a coward, I let Homer take the rap for the whole scam.

Are you sure you don't want to take him back? Well, I do. But I don't want him to think that I am a doormat. I need payback! All right! Girls' night out. Exotic male dancers at the Golden Banana. No. I want him to suffer. Oh. Well, when Homer does something wrong,

And after Moe's, we went to Krusty Burger, and the mayor got some more change.

A problem with the reactor?! We're all going to die! Run! Mmm... mmm.

You too, huh? Hey, I know a good yogurt place. Get away from me, loser.

Let me get this straight. You thought-- They thought we were going to eat them. Good God ! Is this some kind of joke ? No. They're serious.

We're proud to present on the W.B. Another bad show that no one Will see I need a drink.

It's your heart. And I think it's on its last thump. Whew! I was afraid it was my transmission. Hey, where's he goin'? Billy, remember that old Plymouth we just couldn't fix? We're gonna sell him to Mr. Nikapopolus? You're a dull boy, Billy.

and when you lie in a hammock, please... rest your beer on your head or your genitals.

All right! Everybody in the pool! - 'Tis a fine barn, but sure 'tis no pool, English. - D'oh-ith! Is it a pool yet? Yes, Dad. Whoo-hoo!

All I brought is a dime. I didn't know there'd be pornography. Sold, for 12 cents. Oh, my beloved pornography. I can't watch this anymore.

I wonder what this could be. I think youll be pleasantly surprised.

Well, I quit my job just like you said to. I didn't tell you to quit your job. Yes, you did. I remember your exact words. You said I should quit my job and become an inventor, or you'd torch the house. That doesn't sound like me. Well, I suppose if this doesn't work out, you can always go back to the plant.

I'm gonna be sucked into a black hole! I'm gonna be sucked into oblivion! And what's gonna become of me on the other side? I don't know! I'll save you, Dad. I can't get any closer. You'll have to jump! Piece of cake, son.

Well, what do you think? What do I think of the pie? What do I think of the pie? Goodness gracious It's delicious That's what I think of the pie Because--

Uh, is the poop deck really what I think it is? I like the cut of your jib.

o'er the land of the free and the home home of the brave

When was the last time Barbra Streisand cleaned out your garage? And when it's time to do the dishes, where's Ray Bolger? I'll tell ya. Ray Bolger is lookin' out for Ray Bolger!

Tonight, we'll answer some of your questions. Professor Lawrence Pierce of the University of Chicago writes: "I think Homer gets stupider every year." That's not a question, professor. But we'll let the viewers judge for themselves.

Secondly, instead of beer, you will all drink this. It's a brain and nerve tonic rich in proteins and electromagnetic juices. It promotes robust health. It has been known to cause gigantism but only in rare cases.

(MANIACAL LAUGHING CONTINUES)

Looking for this?

But even the new management of Sony TriStar...

Local man, Homer Simpson, shown here with his tongue stuck to a lamppost, has given us this videotape. It's a close encounter of the blurred kind.

I'll do it. I'll rob the Kwik-E-Mart. All right, put your-- D'oh! Oh, well, I'll rob it next time.

You're going to heaven.

Hey, the new sign's really working.

You know kids and vegetables.

The capital of North Dakota is named after what German ruler ? Hitler ! Hitler, North Dakota ? Bismarck. Bismarck ! Hitler ? I'm still beating you, boy.

Here at Itchy and Scratchy Land,

Sure we will, Mr. Homer. Sure we will.

Lisa, you do whatever your conscience tells you. Oh, you did the right thing, sweetheart.

We're too late! I shouldn't have stopped for that haircut. Sorry.

We now return to Two for Tunisia on Colorization Theater. Ah, my love. A million poets could try for a million years and still describe but three-eighths of your beauty. Whoa, slow down, Frenchy. This stuff is gold. "A million poets working for a million years..."

Mmm. Doughnut? No, thanks. Do you have any fruit? This has purple stuff inside. Purple is a fruit. Uh-- Oh! This is a map of nuclear sites around the country.

No, Connie, over here!

In a bold move that has stunned Hollywood insiders, newly divorced comeback kid Troy McClure... has turned down the supporting lead in McBaiN iv... to direct and star in his own pet project, The Contrabulous Fabtraption of Professor Horatio Hufnagel.

Whoa! That's good Squishy.

Whoa! Aah! Aah! Whoa! Aah!

let me get away with "moider" teach us Songs and magic tricks might I add no fat chicks Homer!

Aw, it didn't work.

while shopping For some Cans an old man passed away he floated up toward heaven but got lost along the way now he's the love-matic grampa

I don't know how to tell you this, but...

Ooh. Ha-ha! Free comedy tip, slick. The pie gag's only funny when the sap's got dignity!

Who controls the British Crown Who keeps the metric system down We do, we do

many people in this town sing like we do there's Mr. Burns there's crusty and even apu Whether igloo, hut or lean-to or a geodesic dome, there's no structure I have been to which I'd rather call my home.

Yeah, Moe, that team sure did suck last night. They just plain sucked. I've seen teams suck before, but they were the suckiest bunch of sucks that ever sucked. Homer, watch your mouth! I gotta go. My damn wiener kids are listening. We are not wieners. Then what are you dressed like that for? They made us.

Spare some salt, tubby? Tubby? Yoink. Hey, that's mine! Hey. Like we say in my county, "Hasta la vista, baby."

Sir, don't you think you've had enough? I'll tell you when I've had enough!

That was a baby tooth. It was loose!

Oh, Andy Capp. You wife-beating drunk. Ooh! There's going to be a town meeting to decide... how to spend Mr. Burns's money. Oh, what a boon it could be for our underfunded public schools.

It's a history lesson come to life! No, it isn't. It's totally inaccurate. Quiet! Here come the ninjas.

Who chased the Irish out of Springfield Village in aught-four? Me! That's who. And a fine job you did too.

on this beautiful Valentine's Day. Marty, why did you play that song today? There must be thousands of love songs. Well, it's kind of a love song-- all the monsters enjoying each other's company-- dancing, holding their evil in check. You played the wrong record, didn't you? Why are you doing this to me?

I need help. Oh, God, help me! Help me, God! - Y'ello? - Hello, Homer. This is God...frey jones from the TV magazine show Rock Bottom.

I kill you! Ay, caramba! I don't know. Oh, now, you get to wear a sash. You got yourself a narc. Hey, jimbo, keeping your nose clean, dude? Hey, Donna, who loves you, baby?

Do you? Do you? Oh! That's it! I'm going to show you some moves I learned from G. Gordon Liddy! I'm so sick of names! (BOTH GRUNTING) CHLOE: Oh! My hair!

That's odd. He's outside digging. Probably digging for drugs. There's no drugs out there. No, of course not.

How much do you want? A million dollars and three Hawaiian islands-- good ones, not the leper ones. Done! Now give me that bear! Whoo-hoo! I'm rich! Rich, I tells ya! Here ya go. It seems to be stuck.

(THRILLED MOAN)

Ow! My freakin' ears! Oh, let's go, dear. Well, I expect that type of language at Denny's, but not here! Aw, come on, folks, wait. Please come back. Please! I got a new offer. Whenever Uncle Moe threatens you, you get a free steak-fish.

We're not prisoners anymore. We're free! We can go anywhere we want. I'm cold and frightened. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm.

You know, Homer, it's very easy to criticize. Fun too.

Smoothly. Pulla-pulla-pulla. I get your pulla-pulla-pulla.

Uh, right now we are questioning two witnesses... who were in the vicinity at the time. Did you see this guy? Was he anywhere near the parking lot when Burns got shot? Oh, it's no use. They ain't talkin'.

I said drop it!

But somewhere along the line, you lost your way. For shame. Coming up next, a Canadian couple... who say they are deathly afraid of scorpions. Oh, that stings, eh. Ooh, God! Ow! Ooh!

(ALL SCREAMING) Mr. Burns? Mr. Burns is gone. And tonight was the night I was gonna show him my tattoo. (SOBBING)

Now, honey, what were you trying to say... before we kept interrupting with our loving proudness? Yes, our tiny tapper. What was it you were going to say... after "I wanted to be a dancer, but--"? But I just... need more practice. See ya.

I've murdered us all ! I've murdered us all ! Shut up ! Shut up ! Shut up ! D-oh ! D-oh ! D-oh !

jackknifed sugar truck. Sugar?

I am! I worked like a dog for this. Yeah! Me too. Oh, you're burning it all wrong, Seymour. It's my allowance, Mother, and I'll burn it the way I want. Take that, you greedy fat cats.

Yeah. Switch it to the Elderly Animal Channel.

you better take some protection. Oh, a switchblade! I see the switch, but where's the blade? (CLICKING) D'oh! Found it. An eye patch? But I've got a date tonight. Oh, don't worry. Chicks love that kind of thing. Patches, scars, stumps. Everything but zits.

And the very same goes for Ezekiel, which brings us back to our starting point, "the Nine Tenets of Constancy." Damn it!

Oh, really? Oh, really? Phew. Man, it's windy as hell out there.

Little Lisa. I've already started you... a college fund at Lincoln Savings and Loan. According to this magazine, Bart might be jealous of her. Yeah, well, Bart can kiss my hairy yellow butt. From now on, the baby sleeps in the crib.

Well, if it isn't the square in our love triangle. What are you doing at Edna's place? Where is she? My beloved is napping blissfully in the many folds of my Spider-Man T-shirt. As for myself, I am popping kettle corn.

Next in our cavalcade of celebrity mourners-- Bob Newhart. Uh-- See, uh-- To tell you the truth, I'm, uh-- I was just-- I'm just killing time here. I was waiting for a, well, a different-- different funeral to start.

I'll be right back with your pie, hon. - Ah, that's a nice, friendly gal. - Yeah. Wouldn't it be great to live right here at the truck stop? Watching all the people come and go. - You could have a different best friend every day. - I suppose. Great. Now write your mother and tell her the marriage is off.

Want a puppy? He's at the peak of cuteness.

Whoopsy-doodle. Oh, man! Ned spilled ink all over my poems! He's a real flat tire. I mean a cube, man. He's putting us on the train to Squaresville, Mona.

D'oh! This is no good. I've gotta get up higher. Give me all your balloons. I hope this works. These are for you if you let me use your cherry picker. Well, I've already got some balloons, but they're not this nice. Deal!

Are you sure? Maybe it's just shampoo. That washes right out. No. It's somebody's gross gum! Get it out! Ow!

Welcome to the jungle We've got fun and games We got everything you want, honey We know the names We are the people that can find whatever you may need (GROWLS)

You'll be preserved in this Mylar pouch, forever remaining in... near-mint condition between Doctor Who and, of course, Yasmine Bleeth. i don't think so.

But I thought you-- Just keep driving, boyo. Could I turn on the radio?

Oh, there's so much I don't know about astrophysics. I wish I read that book by that wheelchair guy.

Wait a minute. I forgot to make sure... the coast was clear. Ah, it's probably clear. Let's go. Beer! I can explain, Marge. Please let me explain. Oh, why won't you let me explain? You're the one the papers have been talking about--

That's impossible. No one can give more than 100%. By definition, that is the most anyone can give.

Sunshine on my shoulders

This time, try to keep your nostrils closed. Oh, look what you did. Now I have to go get my cold cream gun. Dad, women won't like being shot in the face. Women will like what I tell 'em to like. Now here's something for everyone.

Nyah-nyah-nyah, nyah-nyah-nyah. I like school. Why don't you live in it then? I would if I could. Not me, sister. When I grow up, I wanna be a lardo on workmen's comp, just like Dad. I wash myself with a rag on a stick.

How the hell should I know?

Get out of my dreams and into my car. I don't remember the air in the kitchen being so wavy. Good lord! That's gas! Hmm. Hmm? Behold!

It worked, Mom! Maggie's memories have shown them humanity's inner goodness! These are not tears! We are vomiting from our eyes! Your baby's treacle has only intensified our loathing! Wait! Look at the screen! The baby continues to reminisce.

Aren't there any evil movies on? Maybe something about an evil island? There's something really different about you, Dad.

I'm sorry. The guys made kind of a mess in your bathroom. What bathroom? Uh, okay, fellas. Enjoy the pregame fun.

Bad Santa's Little Helper ! Stop it ! No, not the sports section ! Doh ! Stupid dog.

Ha ha! En garde! Parry! Thrust! Nicely done, Wind Dancer. (LAUGHS) But seriously, cruelty to animals is no laughing matter. You can make a difference. Spay and neuter your pets!

More testicles mean more iron.

You're not just impersonating a pilot so you can drink here, are ya? Yeah. That's exactly why I'm here. You flyboys. You crack me up. But I keep telling ya, I'm not a pilot! And I keep telling you, you flyboys crack me up!

So, what do you think?

Hey, were you watching, sweetheart? I made it! Ow! Aaah! My watch is caught. Oh, for the love of-- Hold on. - Can you drive? - Not well, but I'll give it a shot.

Y-E-S spells "You got it, buster!"

How we danced on the night we were wed Havin' my baby What a lovely way to say how much you love me Nearer my God to thee

Edna, happy hour in the teacher's lounge. just a sec.

- Th-- Doodly-diddly! - Ned. Have you thought about one of the other major religions? They're all pretty much the same.

Dad. Can you take me to Dr. Hibbert's? Why? What's wrong? I scheduled a tetanus booster. Maybe I'm being a little anal but barefoot season's coming up... and there's a world of rusty nails out there.

"Hootie and the Blowfish"? Yeah. It's cheaper than blank tape.

We've had quite enough of your evil mischief. But you're the one who's been bad. You've been sneaking puddings. But-- But how did you know? We know all your secrets. And you pilfered the poor box. And, Doctor, we know that you and the bootblack... have been rogering the fishwife in the crumpet shop.

Hey, jiggles! Grab a pad and back that gorgeous butt in here. Oh, you. Get away! Ah, don't act like you don't like it.

Nah. Ah! I've won second prize in a beauty contest. Collect ten bucks. Ha, ha! You're losing.

"Good night, room. Good night, moon. Good night, cow jumping over the moon." Please, children, scooch closer. Don't make me tell you again about the scooching. You in the red, chop-chop. Hmm.

I've never seen them fight like that. I'm worried that all this posturing... and saber rattling could lead to a teachers' strike. Strike, eh? Ow! My bones are so brittle. But I always drink plenty of-- "Malk"? How do you expect us to teach with these supplies?

I have a great way to solve our money woes. You rent your womb to a rich childless couple. If you agree, signify by getting indignant. Are you crazy? I'm not gonna be a surrogate mother. Come on, Marge. We're a team. It's "uter-us," not "uter-you."

Baby could order poison. Oh, that's ridiculous. Poison Delivery Service. A gift basket of poisons is on its way. Oh, I'm a horrible mother. Of course you are. Marge, I finally discovered the reason God made me--

have all the doughnuts in the world! More. Mmm!

Dennis the Menace? Yes. I was America's bad boy. I once hid my dad's hat! Uh-huh. And another time, I accidentally stepped in Mr. Wilson's flower bed. That was a two-part episode. I have to go.

Duff Gardens! Home of the Whiplash! To be completed in 1994.

Live from Springfield, the entertainment capital of the state, the Krusty Komeback Special! Send in the clowns

you must've been out taking a whiz. Mr. Simpson, please pay for your purchases and get out and come again.

so we'll March day and night by the big Cooling tower they have the plant but we have the power Look at them all, through the darkness I'm bringing. They're not sad at all. They're actually singing!

Get in! Get in! Come on, Homer! Jump! Oh! When will Detroit build a sunroof for the husky gentleman? Ah, no!

See ya in spring, toes.

Surprise! Surprise.

Oh, that's a spicy meat-a-ball!

Systems analyst, systems analyst, systems analyst. Systems analyst. All right! Homemaker? Mm-hmm. It's like a mommy. Police officer?! Well, I'll be jiggered. If you'd like to learn more I could arrange a ride-along in a police car. I don't need you to get me in a police car.

Stay the hell away from me-- Because from now on, we're enemies. Okay. Do I have to do anything?

Hello. I'm Troy McClure. You might remember me from such show business funerals... as "Andre the Giant, We Hardly Knew Ye," and "Shemp Howard: Today We Mourn a Stooge." Now, Krusty's closest friend and sidekick, Sideshow Mel. I'll miss you, Krusty--

You? Yes. I hope this has been enlightening for you.

(MUSIC PLAYING)

It could be "negligent" or "unfit" or "drugged-up."

Whoo ! Yeah, Mama ! Take it off ! I didn't think it would burn so fast. I guess it's the tissue paper inside. Miss Bouvier.

Ah, just throw it over the fence. Let Arby's worry about it.

Whoa, a badger!

Sorry, Your Majesty. Why don't you wanna go out there? Yech. The kids are supposed to be keeping this yard clean. Aaah! Oh, Ned, I'm so sorry.

If I don't see it, it's not illegal!

Anybody want coffee? I'll have coffee. Want it black, don't you? Black like your heart. It's so hard to listen. I hate you all so much! I'm sorry. It's my problem. I'll deal with it.

I had no business hosting the Oscars. After the show, Meryl Streep spit on me.

Mighty Yamses, we are weary of building your food pyramid. Let my pickles go! Mmm! Moses.

Well, judge for yourself. Here's Lisa today. Without treatment, here's what she'll look like at age 11, age 14, age 17... and, finally, age 18. Cool! She'll be a freak.

The pig's acting kinda funny. He and Mr. Simpson split a case of malt liquor. Guys, he's really sick. Hello! That sounds like a pig fainting. I'm sorry, boys.

It was built on an ancient Indian burial ground... and was the setting of satanic rituals, witch burnings... and five john Denver Christmas specials. Oh! john Denver.

Here. If you have any soul left, you'll need these. I know I will.

What are you doing with that? I'm locking it up in my safe-deposit closet with my other valuables. I'll just leave it in here a few years... and let it appreciate in value. It's probably a million years old, Dad. I think it's as valuable as it's gonna get. That's what they said about this Billy Beer, smarty-pants.

Remember: Lie, cheat, steal and listen to heavy metal music ! Yes, sir ! Dr. Warner, you're wanted in Radiology. He's awake ! Oh, Bart !

English - US - Line 21

Who's next? Ralph Wiggum?

Hear ye! Hear ye! The Court of infernal Affairs is now in session.

Anyone like a draft beer? Beer? Would you like a tall, frosty one, Homer?

Actually, we were just planning the father-son river-rafting trip. Heh-heh! You don't have a son.

So sorry, Mr. Simpson. Your house is blocking... construction of our new Matlock Expressway. Now, I am a fair man. You will have 72 hours to vacate. At that time, we will blow up your house and any remaining Simpsons. Homer, we've got to stop them!

Lisa! Stay cool, Milly.

People of Earth, we've come ten billion light-years to bring you this halftime message of peace. One, two, three o'clock, four o'clock rock five, six, seven o'clock, eight o'clock rock

Was President Lincoln okay?

Even in my darkest hour, I can turn to the Good Book for-- Son of a gun-diddilly-un! Those gilded edges smart. Why me, Lord? Where have I gone wrong? I've always been nice to people. I don't drink or dance or swear.

You're serving us gruel? Not quite. This is Krusty Brand Imitation Gruel. Nine out of 10 orphans can't tell the difference. Yo, Mr. Black. Another brandy. Gentlemen, to evil.

Boy, I really hope somebody got fired for that blunder. Uh, well, uh-- I'll field this one. Let me ask you a question. Why would a man whose shirt says "genius at work"... spend all of his time watching a children's cartoon show?

What if I just whisper it! No, I tells ya!

"Clown College"? You can't eat that. Well, I got everything I was supposed to get. I'm not going to enroll in that clown college though.

Burns cost me my groundskeeping job at the school. And I'm too superstitious to take the one at the cemetery. Uh, 'cause of him, I lost my room, my things... and my buddy's collection of old sunbathing magazines. You bastard! I lost my bar. I lost his bar. He robbed the school of music!

You poor man. Let me help you up.

This is even better than our screen saver.

Out of the way, brain queen!

I'm telling you, I could nay have shot Burns. This is your last warning about that.

There. Now, could I please have my motorboat? Dad, why aren't you saying anything? Where's our motorboat? I didn't like it. The mast had termites. - Why would a motorboat have a mast? - Because! The thing, it was-- Shut up!

I stole it from that Borgnine guy. Don't worry, kids. I'll take care of him with my trusty-- Uh, uh-- Um, uh-- Hmm.

Larry Flynt is right! You guys stink! I don't know which is a bigger disappointment-- my failure to formulate a unified field theory, or you. I don't like your tone. If you are looking for trouble, you found it. Yeah, just try me, you--

You know me, Marge. I like my beer cold, my TV loud... and my homosexuals flaming!

We're in love, Snake. Don't say that, baby. I'm gonna win you back if I have to pistol-whip this guy all night. Pistol-whip? Ooh! Mmm. Mmm. Pistol Whip.

I'd like to open with my impression of... Principal Skinner. Duh, look at me. I'm Principal Skinner. That young man just became the boy of a thousand days detention.

Well, in many cases, the floor is the best-- Oh, look! Here comes Lumpy, the school snake. Help! Help! Oh, Lord.

So, Homer, please feel free to tell us anything. There's no judgment here. The other day, I was so desperate for a beer, I snuck into the football stadium and ate the dirt under the bleachers. I cast thee out!

"Ooh! Look at me. I'm making people happy. "I'm the magical man from Happy Land, in a gumdrop house on Lollipop Lane." Oh, by the way, I was being sarcastic. Well, duh.

He came to life. Good for him! Help me, lord! I told you, Flanders has it! Or Moe. Go kill Moe.

I'm asking you. What's it breathing? Air. Ain't no air in space. There's an air and space museum.

8:58. First time I've ever been early for work-- except for all those daylight savings days. Lousy farmers. "To start, press any key." Where's the "Any" key?

Bart! Cecil. And now to kill you.

A counterfeit jeans ring operating out of my car hole! I'm gonna tell everyone. Wait here. Not so fast.

Well, as you can see, it's a compound fracture. The leg must remain motionless. Otherwise, a hunk of bone could zoom right to her brain.

Baby. Baby. Pirate?

I don't get it.

Now he's given up on that and he's running back and forth. He's climbing into a pipe and he seems to be stuck. His legs are dangling in a comical fashion. Oh, it's the saddest thing I've ever seen. Arnie, Arnie, how are the children? I can't see through metal, Kent! All right, Fatty. Out of the pipe!

The Simpsons D'oh! Marge, stop this crazy thing!

J; And the winner by a nose is No Risk! Whoo-hoo! Okay. Now all we have to do is install your satellite dish. Can you be home from 8:00 am. Monday morning through June? No problem.

It's not up to us to choose which laws we want to obey. If it were, I'd kill everyone who looked at me cockeyed! Our laws are in place for a reason. Send him back to Mama, boys. That was unexpected. Well, reset the catapult, and let's get this over with.

Spring break! Spring break! Spring break! Oh, no! We came during spring break! Take 'em off the glass! Take 'em off the glass!

Wait! I got it! I got it! I don't got it. Okay, think, Bart. Where have you seen Roman numerals before? I know. Rocky V. That was the fifth one. So Rocky V plus Rocky ii... equals Rocky Vii: Adrian's Revenge!

If I ever vote, it'll be for him.

Now, I know you love video games, and I asked the clerk, "Which is the one every boy wants?" You got me-- Oh-h-h! Oh, yeah! Thanks, Mom.

Hmm? Hmm. Who are you? The spirit of Cesar Chavez. Why do you look like Cesar Romero? Because you don't know what Cesar Chavez looks like. Why are you here? To tell you not to give up. Oh, but I wanna. He's talking to himself, sir.

And, Marge, you'll always be the best chef in our house. (SIGHS) BFD.

Well, that's because you cut out his tongue. (MUMBLES) He's right, Chief.

Hey! Turn those frowns around. Oh, no. Rosie O'Donnell! Come on, everybody! Sing along! Clang, clang, clang went the trolley This side only!

Ho ho ho. Ho ho ho. What is it now, Simpson ? Uh, when do we get paid ? Not a dime till Christmas Eve ! Now, from the top. Ho ho ho. Ho ho ho.

Oh, I've lost everything! I can't go on! No. No, no! I can't just wallow in sadness. It's time to laugh again!

Mr. Burns. What have I done?

Everyone sucks but me. Oh, yeah. Cheer for Tom. Give all your love to Tom.

Marge, you being a cop makes you the man, which makes me the woman, and I have no interest in that-- besides occasionally wearing the underwear, which, as we discussed, is strictly a comfort thing. Homer, there's no reason for you to feel threatened. You'll always be the man of this house. Aw, thanks, honey.

I wanna sneak in a quick nap before lunch.

Didn't Itchy junior look happy playing with his father? And didn't Scratchy junior look happy playing with his dad until they got run over by the thresher? Wasn't that a beautiful cartoon? For the love of God, cut to the commercial! Poor Krusty!

That's your outlaw? I wasn't really gonna kill ya. I was just gonna cut ya. Ah, forget it. Ouch! I better go check on Barney.

If you like bacon, you're gonna love it. And if you don't like bacon, well, then the hell with ya! I'm going to find that golden ticket and win that tour!

(DISTANT THUDDING) (COCKING GUNS) Something's coming, Sarge. Something big! Stay strong, men. The United States is due to win a war sometime. Oh, good Lord! It a Swingline!

Hey! Come back! I'm calming down! We'll have family fun! Family fun! (TIRES SCREECHING) Hey, everybody, I brought a guest.

No. He looks like something might be disturbing him. Probably misses his old glasses. I guess we could get more involved in Bart's activities, but then I'd be afraid of smothering him. Yeah, and then we'd get the chair. That's not what I meant. It was, Marge. Admit it.

There is A man there is A man A certain man A certain man A man whose grace and handsome face are known across the land you know his name you know his name it's Mr. Burns it's Mr. Burns

The caskets are buried in unused, virgin graves, the monuments are completely self-cleaning, and there is an optional "weeping widow" service. Wally, Wally, Wally! Irving! Oh, Irving!

He's killing him softly with his saw. Killing him softly? With his saw.

That reminds me, do you mind if my nephew kicks you in the belly? Okay. Oh! Aw, the flash didn't go off! You got another one in you, josh?

It's okay. It's okay. I'm back. See? Daddy's here. Come on, Maggie. Maybe if you just squeeze a little. That's it. That's it. I-- D'oh!

He's an idiot savant. He can multiply any two numbers in his head just like that. Five times nine. Forty-five. Wow! This guy is the chief. He's been here since 1968. Never says a word. Hey, Chief. Hello.

I wanted to surprise you. I couldn't very well chop your hand off and bring it to the store. You never intended for me to use that ball. If that's how you feel, I'll take it back. You can't take it back. You had your name engraved on it ! So you'd know it was from me ! Homer, I'm keeping the ball... for myself ! What ? But you don't know how to bowl. Oops.

Think about the irony. You've been warned. Stop chiropracting! Not unless you think about the irony!

Now pull over! First, raise my allowance. Why, you little... (TIRES SCREECHING) (CHOKING)

Welcome to my nightmare.

Oh! 225? That means I lost weight! Homer. You're, uh, on the towel rack. Whoo-hoo! Four more pounds, and my dream comes true. Working at home.

Ooh! That's a good price for 12 pounds of nutmeg.

That painting has always sparked my imagination. That's it! A novel about whaling! That's something you haven't seen before. Thank you, Scene From Moby-Dick.

You give me fever when you touch me fever when you hold me tight fever ha Kill me.

I want it to be for something worthwhile, not because of some obnoxious fad. Obnoxious fad? Ah, don't worry, Son. You know, they said the same thing about Urkel. That little snot boy. I'd like to smack that kid!

Superintendent, I hope you're ready for mouthwatering hamburgers. I thought we were having steamed clams. D'oh, no. I said steamed hams. That's what I call hamburgers. You call hamburgers steamed hams? Yes. It's a regional dialect.

Oh, I'll never get my aim back. You gotta keep working on it. Oh! Aah! Aah! Water! Mmm, delicious.

This is one of our many light switches. It functions in both the on and off mode. On, off. On, off. He knows how to work a light switch. Oh, yeah, right. I don't know what this switch does. This is really good, Marge.

Bah! This is just another Hallmark holiday cooked up to sell cards.

All right, Bart ! That's it ! Go to your room now ! Okay. I'll take some white meat and stuffing to go, and send up the pumpkin pie in about 20 minutes. I said now ! Mom, do I have to ? Yes, you do ! I hope you're happy, Bart !

Oh, I bet he's the one. Yeah, Smingers did it. Case closed. Now, where's my hat? I'm going to the outhouse. We don't have an outhouse. My toolshed! Oh, Dad!

No. No. You can't see... Yes, I must... No! Let go! You're ripping it. A cherry. Oh, Mr. Homer what has reduced you to such cheap chicanery? Oh... I need money.

- You're funny. - I am?

Unkie Moe? What... is it, sweetheart? My sodie is too cold. My teef hurt. Oh, your "teef" hurt, huh? Your "teef" hurt? Well, that's too freakin' bad! I'll tell you where you can put your freakin' "sodie" too! Oh, my goodness! Ow! My freakin' ears!

You should be proud that children everywhere--" Blah-blah-blah, bling-bling-bling-blah. Hey, egghead! Sing "fair Harvard." Fair Harvard, I-- You, sir, have the boorish manners of a Yalie! Here's A witty rejoinder For ya!

Ow. That sting hurts so much. We gotta get out of this, Ned. Well, do something. This is all your fault-- You and your stupid program. Blame me if you must, but don't ever speak ill of the program.

The Mauso-Palooza can be seen from space. It'll consume as much cement as a regulation-size tennis court. Tennis court, eh? Oh, I can't believe we went through all that... just to wind up with a tennis court. I bet you didn't see that comin'.

Hey, Bleeding Gums! I was great! And I owe it all to-- What happened to Mr. Murphy? I'm sorry. He passed away. Oh!

Wait! Don't go! My stock will have a slight rebound in 2003. I had nothing.

Remember, Smithers, in and out in 18 seconds. - Uh! - Mm! More cocoa, Mr. Burns?

Out of the way, brain queen! Hey, Sara. Well, I gotta go.

Oh, no ! See ? You're a pig. Barney's a pig. Larry's a pig. We're all pigs. Except for one difference. Once in a while, we can crawl out of the slop, hose ourselves off and act like human beings.

All right, pie, I'm just gonna do this. And if you get eaten, it's your own fault! Ow! Oh! Oh! My-- Oh, to hell with it.

Aw, no! The corn! Paul Newman's gonna have my legs broke. Bart and Lisa have to go to school...

Is he still out there? Yes. He's raking leaves. What? That's your job! If he starts doing Lisa's wood chopping--

I'm gonna have to shut it down myself! Fat, don't fail me now! D'oh!

Why it's Fred Flintstone and his lovely wife, Wilma. Oh, and this must be little Pebbles. Mind if I come in? I brought chocolates. Yabba dabba do!

Thanks, Mr. Teeny.

He can herd sheep and perform C.P.R. "Some call it the dog that never sleeps, though it actually does while jogging." Geez! That dog has more education than I do. He's some kind of super dog! Hey, where'd he go? Whoa! Wow.

Oh, nonsense, Krusty. You look at least 10 years younger. Plus, I did your breasts. Does anyone hear me complaining about the breasts? Oh, what's the use in hiding? I gotta go back to Springfield and face the music. Can you loan me bus fare? Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!

Are you kidding? Being a cop husband is one mighty sweet deal. This police radio entertains me with other people's miseries, we get a free funeral for Marge-- God forbid-- and I can run background checks on whomever I want, Moammar.

You're letting me go? Kirk, crackers are a family food. Happy families. Maybe single people eat crackers. We don't know. Frankly, we don't want to know. It's a market we can do without. So that's it after 20 years-- so long, good luck? I don't recall saying "good luck."

Woozle wozzle? What the-- That's what passes for entertainment these days? Woozle wozzle?

Mmm, semi-imported. Keep 'em coming. Your generosity is greatly appreciated, especially during this health inspection season. Oh, yeah, yeah. Right. Health inspection. That reminds me. Ha!

Dad, are you licking toads? I'm not not licking toads. Well, it's time to get to work. Humanitarian Homer Simpson, over and out.

Dolly, wait! Wally? You know Dolly Parton? Yeah. I book a lot of package tours to Dollywood and EuroDollywood. That's in Alabama. Wally Kogen! What are you doing in Super Bowl jail? Ask her if she'll go out with me. We had a little ticket snafu.

What are you doing to save my baby boy? We've located a piece of machinery in Louisiana that could pop him out lickety-split. Why don't you get it? We've got a budget problem.

Exercising away while the others are off at the candy machine. Hey, Lenny, can you get this Sugar Daddy off my back? Okay, but it's the last time. Mmm! We don't have to be adversaries, Homer.

Saturday ! Saturday ! Saturday at the Springfield Speedway ! Speedway, Speedway !

Will Milhouse and I be friends till we're toothless old men with hair in our ears?

Homer, that was a 20. Da..! Oh, you son..! Homer, I owe you one, buddy.

You know, Marge, I've had my share of troubles, but sitting here now with you and the kids in our cozy home... in this beautiful, free country, it just makes me feel that I'm really a lucky guy.

Hmm, well, how's this? I'll not only build the expressway, I will spend the remainder of this afternoon... patiently listening to your interminable anecdotes.

Are you going to a rap performance? Hell, yeah. I'm representin' at Murder 4 Life. Know what I'm sayin'?

Stinks. Piffle. DustBuster? Yech! Sir, I've arranged for the people of Australia... to join hands tonight and spell out your name with candles. There's a satellite hookup on that monitor. If you'll just turn your head slightly-- Bah! No time. Next!

Tell me, young man. What do you want out of life? I want peas. We all want peace! But it's always just out of reach. Oh! Uh-huh. So, what's the best way to get peace? With a knife! Exactly!

but he's not some hyperactive monster. Gimme an "F"! Good Lord! Gimme an "art"! He's gotten into the pep closet. What's that spell? I'd say he's coming out of the pep closet.

And later, I'll teach you the tricks of the trade-- taping your swimsuit to your butt, petroleum jelly on your teeth for that frictionless smile, and the ancient art of padding.

I'll keep it short and sweet. Family, religion, friendship. These are the three demons you must slay if you wish to succeed in business.

All aboard for Miami. I don't know if I can last that long.

Here's the grapes, and here's the wrath. Ew! Ha-ha!

Uh-oh. And a barrage of pretzels...

12:80. No, wait. - Wait. What comes after 12? - One. No. After 12.

Bah! To hell with this! Get my razor! Draw a bath! - And get these Kleenex boxes off my feet! - Certainly, sir. And, uh, the jars of urine? Oh, we'll hang on to those. Now, to the plant! We'll take the Spruce Moose! Hop in! But, sir-- I said hop in.

Eh, I'm sick of this Tarzan movie. Dad, it's a documentary on the homeless. Oh, right. A crazy dog's trying to kill me!

Now, to take the ferry cost a nickel. And in those days, nickels had pictures of bumblebees on 'em. "Give me five bees for a quarter," you'd say.

Now, Manjula, do you want me to find another partner? No, no! No, no. Let's just keep playing. - And what's the score? - Dirty love-- I mean, 30-love. I mean, anyone for penis? I'll just get the shuttlecock. Oh!

Hey, he stole my bit! - Now we shall probe you to see if you are worthy. - Yeah, word for word!

Hey, how about Uncle Moe's Family Feedbag? I hate it. Oh, boy! The deep fryer's here. I got it used from the navy. You could flash-fry a buffalo in 40 seconds. Forty seconds? But I want it now!

"Can't someone else do it?" That's perfect. It is? Yeah. Now get out there and spread that message to the people. Whoo-hoo! Whoa, hey. You didn't pay for the beer. Can't someone else do it? Ah-- Very good. Seriously, give me the money.

Hey, dude, he's raggin' on your cord. Get him!

Every time you go to that cook-off, you get drunk as a poet on payday.

Don't bitch to me, boss man. Thanks to the latest budget cuts, I'm down to using Grade "F" meat. Wouldn't it be wonderful if there was some sort of common solution to both our problems? That would be great. Hey, Bart. Watch this. Oh, no! My favorite outfit!

Maybe we should talk to a financial planner. Financial panther, eh? Mr. Simpson, you're a dollar overdrawn. Get him, Sheba! I'm on board.

Hmm. Needs more dog. Well, it's 1:00 a.m. Better go home... and spend some quality time with the kids. just a second. You gotta take a Breathalyzer test before I let you drive home.

What's wrong with Crippler? He's getting on, sir. He's been here since the late '60s. I'll never forget the day he bagged his first hippie. That young man didn't think it was too groovy.

You a winner! Ha-ha-ha! Halogen lamps, kilim rugs? You can't afford this. How can you afford this? You've been all edgy and suspicious ever since I gave you those pep pills. What are you talking about? I don't need pep pills to be suspicious. If I want to comment on it, I'll comment on it. Who's gonna stop me? You, Pep Pill Boy? Pep Boys, pills, Beverly Sills. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Uh-oh. Uh-oh.

Why not? I remember my first after-school job. I was in a band. Hello, everybody. I'm Archie Bell, and I'm also The Drells.

Yeah, well, I-- Ooh! Oh! Oh, that's it. I'm gonna report this to me member of parliament. Hey! Gus! I got somethin' to report to ya! That's a bloody outrage, it is!

Hmm. What's the English equivalent for ? I'd say "transcendent." How about "groin-grabbingly transcendent"? Uh, I don't think so. We make a good team. A groin-grabbingly good team.

Hey! We can get away in their pouches! Eew! It's not like in cartoons. Yeah. There's a lot more mucus.

Secondly, instead of beer, you will all drink this.

Simpson, the American people... have never tolerated incompetence in their public officials. You are going to crash and burn, my fatheaded friend.

I miss you, Daddy. I miss you too, honey. Oh.

You know, it's been a long time since I performed live. You'll do fine. Just remember. There'll be millions of people watchin' you. Millions! And TV Guide's "Cheers and Jeers" editor.

I've killed a baby. I'm a monster. (GROWLS) I can't take anymore.

Hey, hey! Are you ready to get rowdy? Excuse me? Somebody hired me for an emergency bachelor party. Well, there's been a mistake. Well, I'm not leaving till I get paid.

Won't you Come home franz brauder - won't you come home Yoo-hoo.

Default setting. Crush. Kill. Destroy. D-- Don't! Children, help! He's killing me!

I wonder where Goldilocks was. Oh! That bed was just right! Oh, no!

Don't celebrate too much. Judge-- Wha-- Hey-- Wha-- Who said that? That's right. It's me, Judge Harm, through the magic of fiber optics. Hey, how about that? Quiet, tubsy! You violated my order. But, Constance, it only happened because--

Your bra bomb better work, Nerdlinger. Mm-kay! Cory!

I find you poseable Lovable Just like me This is better than a movie... why?

Police? Uh-oh. Oh, wait. It was better the other way.

Now, over the next six hours, I'll be taking you through... the do's and do-not-do's of foundation repair. Ready? Ready! First, patch the cracks in the slab using a latex patching compound and a patching trowel. Hand me my patching trowel, boy. Hmm.

And Smokey the Bear is now Choppy the Lumberjack. These trees are our national heritage. A grizzly bear with a chainsaw. Now there's a killin' machine.

This meatball soup is delicious, Stimpy. That's not meatball soup. That's my collection of fur balls in stomach acid. You idiot! You're trying to kill me, man!

Steve sax And his run-in with the law We're talking Homer Ozzie and the Straw

What is your, uh, question? My question's about the budget, sir.

- Have you noticed any change in Bart? - New glasses? No. He looks like something might be disturbing him. Probably misses his old glasses. I guess we could get more involved in Bart's activities, but then I'd be afraid of smothering him.

If the new baby is a girl, can we name her Ariel? The baby's name will be Kool Moe Dee Simpson. Ariel. Kool Moe Dee. - Ariel. - Kool Moe Dee. You know, I had this very same discussion with your mother ten years ago.

(HOMER SCREAMING)

I'm not licked yet. I can entertain myself. No matter how good a movie is, it can't compare... to the imagination of a small boy.

I'm Mr. Burns. Blah, blah, blah. Do this, do that. Blah, blah, blah. I think I'm so big. Blah, blah, blah! Destroy him. Blah, blah, blah. Look at me-- Ow! This party is over.

Oh, stupid tornado! Look. It got Patty and Selma. - I feel it all the way up my skirt. - Ditto.

Shh! Oh, boy! Buffalo testicles!

Kids, turn off the TV. I have some bad news about Lenny. Not Lenny! Hey, Carl! Check out the overhead scoreboard. Poo. Uh, Homer. What wacky name do you want?

Start the movie! They're out of control. Well, if we wanted to live forever, we wouldn't have become ushers. Stop the madness! Start the movie!

Grace, come here. There's a sinister-looking kid I want you to see.

Barkeep, some cheap domestic beer for me and my buddy here. I'm not your buddy, you greedy old reptile. Smithers, who is this saucy fellow? Homer Simpson. Sector sieben-gruben-- I mean, sector 7-G. Recently terminated.

Your sexual harassment suit is just the thing I need to rebuild my shattered practice. Care to join me in a belt of scotch? It's 9:30 in the morning. Yeah, but I haven't slept in days. Last chance. Oh, yeah.

S-S-So cold! Your lips are turning blue. I think you better stay home. No! Duff Gardens. Hurrah! We really appreciate you taking the children on such short notice.

The chain that put the "fat" in fat Southern sheriffs! I want a colossal doughnut, just like the one on the sign. D'oh! Nuts! That's false advertising!

Ball is in parking lot.

Any office supply company can have 'em made up for you. - Can I have this one? - No. Can... Lenny have it?

Why do you have to be such a pain all the time? Don't you realize you're getting a bad reputation? Don't you realize your butt sticks out? It does not! Hey! Ha-ha!

So I rode out the war posing as a German cabaret singer. Won't you Come home franz brauder - won't you come home Yoo-hoo.

Well, that's a tough one, 'cause I did the deed with Uta, Candy and Shasta. It's true, all right! But I'm gonna have to go with Shasta, 'cause she liked makin' bacon on the beach.

Ach! Back to the loch with you, Nessie. One drop of this love potion, and you will have any man you desire. Really? What are the magical ingredients? Mostly corn syrup, a little rubbing alcohol.

J Hava nagila J J Hava nagila J J Hava nagila J J Venis 'mecha J J Hava neranena Ha va neranena J J Hava neranena Venis 'mecha JJ

I need it to rhinestone up my old clothing. Who's "Disco Stu"? Oh. Well, I wanted to write "Disco Stud," but I ran out of space. Not that Disco Stu didn't get his share of the action.

"Show me your"-- Hey! Hey! It says, "Show me your tie." It's cute. Come on. Let's go.

Well, we certainly got walloped tonight, eh, fellas? Well-- Uh, Mr. Burns, next week is the big championship game. Ah, yes, that silly championship. The only ship worth a damn is friendship.

I don't want you to go. Sorry, but I have to. Good-bye. Good-bye. Oh, what the heck-- once more, from the top. Yea!

Smithers, take me home. I'm not fully defrosted. Nonsense. Just sit down and rest for a moment. There you go. Oh, no. We've got a little situation here. I can't feel anything below my cummerbund.

Rabbi, should I buy a Chrysler? Could you rephrase that as an ethical question? Um... is it right to buy a Chrysler? Yes-- for great is the car with power steering and Dyna-Flo suspension. Papa? When I grow up, can I be a clown?

Dad, do you notice anything strange? Yeah, his hairdo looks so queer. - I heard that! - It was the boy!

Well, sure, the Frinkiac 7 looks impressive-- don't touch it-- but I predict that within 100 years, computers will be twice as powerful, 10,000 times larger... and so expensive that only the five richest kings of Europe will own them. Could it be used for dating? Well, theoretically, yes.

As you know, I've been writing a musical about the Malibu Stacy doll. A show about a doll? Why not write a musical about the common cat or the king of Siam? Give it up, Smithers. Actually, sir, we've been booked into a small theater in New Mexico. Whoa. Whoa. Slow down there, maestro. There's a new Mexico?

"Maybe it's the beer talking "but you've got a butt that won't quit. They got these big, chewy here..." "...Five dollars?! Get outta here." Wow, a side of Dad I've never seen! Penny for your thoughts, Miss K. I was just thinking...

Mm-mmm, mm-mmm. Mmm. Whoa. But I can explain. I'm leaving you, Marge. The next time you see my name will be in the hobo obituaries. Don't worry about the kids. I'll drop them off with Patty and Selma. Patty and Selma? Screw that. Just run the camera, you little-- D-oh!

oh, here's A merry Sleigh jingling, jingling jingling, jingling santa's on his way

Uh-- Oh. Luke, I am your father.

Before I post the starting lineup I want to assure those who are not on the list that I'm very disappointed in you. Something was lacking. Let's call it heart. No hustle either, Skip. That's right, Darryl.

Bart ! All of the other reindeer Used to laugh and call him names Like Shnozzola ! Lisa ! They never let poor Rudolph join in any reindeer games Like strip poker !

the Coach's... Hot... Line. line. Lay it on me, Coach. In the game of... Mi-am-i Mm-hmm. versus Cin... Cincinnati. cin... Cincinnati. na... Cincinnati. ti... Come on! Don't you realize this is costing me money?

They never let poor Rudolph join in any reindeer games Like strip poker !

Get me Kaputnik and Fonebone! I wanna see their drawings for the "New Kids on the Blech." And where's my furshlugginer pastrami sandwiches? Wow! I will never wash these eyes again.

All right, we're here. Let us never speak of the shortcut again. Now, remember, we're in the Itchy Lot. We're now approaching our final destination, Itchy and Scratchy Land,

Mr. Quimby, did you assault Mr. LaCoste? Of course not. I love each and every living thing on God's green earth. Well, therefore, you certainly would never lose your temper... over something as trivial as the pronunciation of "chowder."

Hamlet! Avenge me! Dad? Yes. I have returned from the dead. Looks like you've returned from the buffet. Why, you little-- D'oh! My son, I have some shocking news.

Hello, I'm Troy McClure. You might remember me from such films as... The boatjacking of Supership 79... and Hydro: The Man With the Hydraulic Arms.

Here, kids. I guess you deserve this. Let's go. I guess nobody likes the truth, huh, Grampa? Nope. I'll never watch an awards show again. Unless that delightful Billy Crystal's involved.

Gay? I wish! If I were gay, there'd be no problem. No, what I have is a romantic abnormality, one so unbelievable that it must be hidden from the public at all costs. - You see-- - Stop!

Now hold on, Kang. You can't bully my audience with your fancy ray gun. And now for my final thought. Nobody wins when parents put their petty squabbles above the welfare of a child.

And the results are in. For Sideshow Bob-- 100 percent. For joe Quimby-- one percent. And we remind you there is a one-percent margin of error.

Ay! Suffering sarcophagus! My tomb! Who did this? Come on, confess. Don't make me slay all the firstborn males again. Bart did it. I saw him do it. Take him away, boys. No! The bush set me up!

The kids at school were even worse. Ew! You like The Monkees? You know they don't write their own songs. They do so! They don't even play their own instruments. No! No! That's not even Michael Nesmith's real hat.

I was on my way to the Harrisburg Coat Outlet to buy an irregular coat, but it required a stopover in New York City. All i had to do was walk a few blocks from the Port Authority Bus Terminal... to my train at Penn Station.

And now our feature presentation.

I'm gonna go claim some valuables at the lost and found. Oh, look at that adorable spice rack. Eight spices. Oh, some must be doubles. "oregano"? What the hell? Marge, we're missing the chili! Less artsy, more fartsy!

Twenty-nine years. And when I came on, they said I wouldn't last a week. And you know where those reviewers are? All dead. How you doin' down there, fellas? Huh? Huh?

Don't let Krusty's death get you down, boy. People die all the time, just like that. Why, you could wake up dead tomorrow. Well, good night.

He discovered that the Postal Service's Mr. Zip... was just a rip-off of my father's stick figure character Manic Mailman. So the government gave me a huge cash settlement, and Itchy & Scratchy Studios is back in business.

Uh, how'd you solve the door dilemma? Homer Simpson was the real hero here. He jury-rigged the door close using this. Hey, what is that? It's an inanimate carbon rod!

Man, that thing's great. Don't praise the machine. If you don't get that kid an elephant by tomorrow, the Dj-3000 gets your job. Looks like those clowns in Congress did it again. What a bunch of clowns.

Wow! How many home runs you going to hit with that? We play 30 games, ten at bats a game-- 3,000.

Listen, SeÑor Spielbergo, I want you to do for me what Spielberg did for Oskar Schindler. Schindler es bueno. SeÑor Burns es el diablo. Listen, Spielbergo, Schindler and I are like peas in a pod. We're both factory owners. We both made shells for the Nazis. But mine worked, damn it! Now, go out there and win me that festival!

Or she's not coming because she doesn't understand how special you are.

- Are we there yet? - No.

Huh? I'm not following you. Huh? Look at Burns's suit! Yeesh!

Do you remember when you lost your passion for this work? Uh-oh. Two independent thought alarms in one day. The students are over-stimulated. Willie, remove all the colored chalk from the classrooms. I warned ya! Didn't I warn ya? That colored chalk was forged by Lucifer himself!

Simpson, I shall make it the focus of my remaining years... that your dreams will go unfulfilled. Uh-oh. You're busted, Dad.

Hey, what the-- Hmm. All right. A lot of people think our dad's behavior has screwed us up-- and it has. But it's all worth it just to hear him sing.

J Jellyfish, along you came; J And right away I'm stung J J Sweet words I long to whisperJ

It's a two-party system. You have to vote for one of us. He's right. This is a two-party system. Well, I believe I'll vote for a third-party candidate. Go ahead. Throw your vote away.

Will you shut up? Hey, I thought you never talked. Uh, I didn't mean to. Huh. It just slipped out. Oh, God! Now Penn's gonna beat me. Folks, it's all part of the act. No, it isn't. Don't leave me alone with him! You've ruined the act! I'm gonna kill you! He'll do it. I'm not the first Teller.

Are we there yet? No. - Are we there yet? - No.

You shot who in the what now?

- Grampa, come on. - Dead! Dead! Dead! Dead! Dead! Dead! All right, Grampa. I'll help you get your license back. Whoo-hoo! And I want driving gloves. No way! Dead! Dead! Dead! Dead!

You mean there's a better way? But that's all changed-- thanks to the juice Loosener. Let's meet the inventor, Dr. Nick Riviera. Hello, Troy. Hi, everybody. Hi, Dr. Nick! Troy, would you like a glass of orange juice?

Well, let's see what we got in the old drawer. Eh. Eh. Aha! There's some glue. Hope this stuff holds.

Daddy? Don't look at me! Don't look at me! My father was a stewardess. Marge, there's nothing to be ashamed of here.

I thought I was your friend too.

Batman! Oh, it's been done. Green Lantern! Nah.

No. No! Stay away from my wife, Bart.

I was born a no-goodnik, and I'll die a no-goodnik. Seymour! I didn't bring you up to use language like that! You didn't bring me up at all. The hell I didn't! I've been taking care of you for 26 years! I'm the only mother you've ever known! But you have your real son. You're my real son!

Who is it? Uh, it's an angry mob, ma'am.

Someday you'll thank me for this, son. Not bloody likely. No, it's true. You know, when I was a boy, I really wanted a catcher's mitt, but my dad wouldn't get it for me. So I held my breath until I passed out and banged my head on the coffee table. The doctor thought I might have brain damage.

Are you there, God?

I don't know. But look at these results. Fifty-five, forty-two, twenty-six. A 12 on state capitals ? Okay, okay. Why are we dancing around the obvious ? I know it, you know it. I am dumb, okay ? Dumb as a post. Think I'm happy about it ? There, there, Bart.

Uh, i-i know Weinstein's parents were upset, Superintendent, but i-i was sure it was a phony excuse. I mean, it sounds so made-up. "Yom Kip Pur."

Get your hot dogs! Fat, juicy hot dogs! Pork chops and applesauce! Peking duck! Get your crispy Peking duck! Yeah, duckman! Over here! Mmm! Mmm!

I gotta get a job before Marge finds out I was fired.

We have the same dream, ma'am. (IN A MECHANICAL VOICE) My Bonnie lies over the ocean My Bonnie lies over the sea (CHUCKLING)

Happy birthday, Dad.

Listen, you crumb-bums. If you think I'm impressed, I am not. I--

Step one: Let's sell some ad space.

I hate myself. Ooh! Here's a wonderful speaker, Geoff Jenkins. Who? He created a cartoon called Danger Dog. It's popular with kids and adults. Yes. Fine. He'll do. Anything to end this unstructured conversation.

Uh... I'm out. No, no, no, no, no. Homer, you have a royal, uh, sampler. Oh, I win again, don't I? Whoo-hoo.

We've got a lot of work to do on the car. I'm pulling you out of school for two weeks-- I don't know how to say this, but I don't wanna drive your car. It's slow, it's ugly, it handles like a shopping cart. The car has a few bugs, but we're Team Simpson.

We've still got a car and a wad of cash. Uh, no, we don't. I must have spent our last $10 on this Al Gore doll. You are hearing me talk.

or at least give him the gist of it.

Oh, sure, Marge. Just like Blind Bart, Wheelchair Bart,

their floors are Sticky-mart they made dad sicky-mart let's hurl A bricky-mart the kwik-e-mart is real-- D'oh! Who needS the kwik-e-mart not me forget the kwik-e-mart good-bye to kwik-e-mart

Oh, no. Oh, no! There he is-- seat 3-F!

Look at all the wonderful things you have, Mr. Burns: King Arthur's Excalibur; the only existing nude photo of Mark Twain; and that rare first draft of the Constitution with the word "suckers" in it. Yes, yes, yes. So what? You want your bear, Bobo, don't you? Liar! I'll give you the thrashing of a lifetime!

Now I'd like to introduce two of the tennis world's most unbeatable players-- Venus and Serena Williams. Unbeatable, eh?

Ooh. Lost a few. Oh. Well, there's plenty more where that came from. Uh-oh. A zit. No problemo. The perfect crime. Don't be a baby, lady

Sir, you're alive! But how?

Make us proud, Son. Never forget who you are. Don't make the same mistake I did. Oh, forgive me, Mother. Father, I've failed you.

The foul stench of death is upon us! Mmm! Hamburger. Hey, wait! I smell hamburgers too.

don't think it's sour grapes but you're all A bunch of apEs and so I must be leaving you Good-bye, Shary Bobbins!

Well, I guess you can plow my driveway.

Hey, Chief. I think that's the guy who mugged her. Yeah. Looks like she caught her own criminal... unlike the rest of you lazybones. You’re not gonna find those criminals looking at your feet, people.

Marge, did I ruin your life? Oh, is this about that billboard my sisters put up? No. The voters will decide that in November.

Hey, what the-- Oh!

Sir, you locked my office, and I wanted to get my Harvard mug. Shut up!

You're very lucky to have Mom. That's your advice? Go to bed! Good morning! You know, Marge, I was thinking about how much I enjoy your interests.

Hi-yah! Hai! Ho! Hah! Woo! There you go, fellas. D'oh!

I say we call Matlock. He'll find the culprit. It's probably that evil Gavin MacLeod or George "Goober" Lindsey. Grampa, Matlock's not real. Neither are my teeth, but I can still eat corn on the cob, if someone cuts it off and smushes it into a fine paste. Now that's good eatin'!

All right, then. Move along. Nothin' to see here. Show's over, folks. Parades just bring out so many emotions in me-- joy, excitement, looking.

Come on, jub jub. Let's go home, and I'll microwave you some nice roaches.

Boring. And now sports.

If you can think of a simpler way, I'd like to hear it.

I couldn't agree more, Marjorie. You deserve peace of mind, and peace of mind is what you shall have. I'd like to buy your deadliest gun, please. Aisle 6, next to the sympathy cards. Hmm. Mm-hmm. - Mmm! - Whoa!

But, sir, every plant and tree will die. Owls will deafen us with incessant hooting. The town's sundial will be useless. Ahem. I don't want any part of this project. It's unconscionably fiendish.

Now we'll... put Maggie to bed. Lullaby and good night Go to bed and sleep tight Close your eyes Start to yawn Pleasant dreams until the dawn

My cat! Never fear, ma'am. I'll save your cat. My player piano! Oh, man.

Uh, hi. - Hi. - I have soy milk. The doctor says the real kind could kill me. I wish I was interesting like you. - You're funny. - I am? Yeah.

It's ram's blood for your godless ceremony. April Fools'! Now who's laughing? Now who's laughing? And that's the story of April Fools' Day.

Hmm, I don't know. I guess one person can make a difference, but most of the time they probably shouldn't. Well, uh, I guess that settles that.

Also, we want to thank the whole town for their generosity. Hey, look. It's little Bart's fire truck. Little Lisa's sweater. Little Homer's sausage. What in the name of holy hell is going on here? Oh, it's true. We weren't robbed.

Then came the day we knew we were finished. Gentlemen, Us magazine just came out with its what's hot and what's not issue. Are we hot? We are not.

What do you like best about me ?

Can I have a clean glass? Here you go, Your Majesty.

All the kids in Springfield are S.O.B.s. Gabbo's kind of language has no place on or off TV. And that's my two cents. That oughta hold those S.O.B.s. What the--

Now, Mr. McClure, would you like to take off those glasses... and read the top line? Uh, W, seven, star, pound.

Oh, man. Why does everything bad have to happen to me? When i'm feeling low, do you know what always cheers me up? Is it love? Kindness? Ooh, tough room. Video games. What do you got? Billy Graham's Bible Blaster?

Ah, you've done grand, laddie. Now you know what you have to do-- burn the house down! Burn 'em all!

Welcome to the Springfield YMCA. Tonight you can sample all of our classes for free. And if you find one you like, you can pay the membership fee and enroll. I know. We'll never see any of you again. You got that right.

Hey, jerk-face! You have the face of a jerk! All right, Simpson, you asked for-- Get 'em, boys! Heh! Say, uh, jimbo--

I just think they're neat. I need something for show-and-tell. just take one of my geodes. The rocks on my desk. No, that's a trilobite. That's petrified wood. Bart, that's a bran muffin!

Mrs. Bouvier! Mrs. Bouvier! Mrs. Bouvier!

Well, I'm hot-blooded check it and see I got A fever of A hundred and three Come on, baby do you do more than dance I'm hot-blooded I'm hot-blooded

- You really wanna get rid of this trampoline? - Uh-huh. Observe. A bike lock. Now just turn around and count to three. One, two, three. Uh, better make it five. All right. I got me a bed.

Homer, sign this application and you're a Shoo-in. That dog has somebody's ham! This I gotta see! Give me that ham, you stupid dog!

Dad? Yes, honey? Um, Mom just baked a cake. Ooh! Hmm? Homer, we need to have a serious talk. You dragged me all the way from work for that? Let's quietly and calmly discuss the pros and cons... of your controversial plan, shall we?

This is my wife, and my kid. I'm paying for this delivery. If you wanna stay you give me some respect. Homer, does this mean..? Tomorrow, I'm a nuclear technician! Good God! Tomorrow morning, I'm gonna buy your ring back. Doesn't your job start tomorrow? Somebody will cover for me.

To celebrate Jasper's birthday. (SIGHING) Birthday?

Springfield baby! Springfield baby! (CHOKING) (BOTH LAUGHING)

For the last time, Bush, apologize for spanking my boy! Never. You make him apologize for destroying my memoirs. You didn't tell me you destroyed his memoirs. Never!

From now on I want you to be honest with me. I mean, I'm not perfect, right? Run.

- We sold those out in five minutes. - D'oh! Marge, how could you? These shirts are 100% cotton. - And look at the fine stitching on "Dope." - I'll take two.

Excuse me. Which way to the Chess Club? What's your name, nerd? Melvin Eugene Puny-Meyer. Well, well, a big muscle-bound nerd. Ha! Just more of you to pick on. The geek shall inherit the earth.

Well, Ned, you don't have to stand for that. You just march right up to those youngsters and tell them to vamoose. Yeah, well, if you're sure that'll help. Hey, let's go over to the one-hour photo and breathe some fumes. Uh, excuse me, fellas. I-i-i couldn't help thinking... it might be nice if you could, uh, vamoose, you know--

Need money. Need money. One scratch-for-cash. Here you go. Liberty bell. Two liberty bells. Come on, come on, come on... Oh. Yes! Whoo-Whoo! Three liberty bells! That will be $10,000, Apu.

Looks like another homosexual party boat.

I'm so funny. This is gonna be great. What are you doing? I'm writing a delicious send-up of Mr. Burns for his birthday party. Is "poo poo" one word or two?

And this is the snack holder where I can put my beverage or, if you will, cupcake. Wow, Dad. You really know your monorails.

Look! They're making a movie! Robert Downey jr. is shooting it out with the police. I don't see any cameras.

I'm no missionary. I don't even believe in "jebus." Let me out. Sorry. No can do. Oh, save me, Jebus!

he was blown up in a silo explosion.

Uh-oh! Someone's getting a visit from Superintendent Chalmers. I... can't... take... this. Skinner! Superintendent Chalmers, you didn't have to come all the way down here. Everything's under control.

He's waking up! Oh, Homie, I'm so glad you're all right. Try not to move, Dad. You swallowed a lot of motor oil. I'm sorry I ran off again. Oh, I guess Dad must be dead by now.

And, now, please welcome back into decent society, ladies and gentlemen, the heavyweight champion of the world, Drederick Tatum.

Bart didn't get one vote ?

Hey. Get off the course, you bum! Security!

No, not at all. In fact, one of my guilty little pleasures... is to snuggle up with a big bucket of buttered popcorn, dim the lights, turn on itchy & Scratchy and laugh myself silly. And what the hell is wrong with that ? Not a thing. Now, for another opinion. Hi, kids !

You know, I could snip the wires. We'd fall to our deaths, but we'd save the entire town. Bart, how would you like to do something incredibly noble? - Do we have to? - Yes.

Hey, hey! Hey, hey! Hey, hey! Lazy, eh? Get him, boys! Wake up! Wake up! Wake up! Okay, okay!

I tried greasing the bucket with bacon fat, but your father kept eating it. Well, couldn't you try a nondelicious fat? Oh, there's no such thing.

My daughter Lisa-- I.Q. 156. Hi. See? And my son Bart.

See ya in hell. Still pushin' that boulder?

Hmm. Lisa, I cant help but wonder ifthis is a bit of a put-on. Why, whatever do you mean? Whoa! Huh? What? Go, Aberdeen!

Let's all go out for some frosty chocolate milk shakes. Ah, look at that corn. Ol’ Gil's hard work is finally payin' off!

Well, that didn't do it, Mr. Kilt.

Hey, elephant, I got one word for you- Columbo! No, that's not it. Modesto! Daktari? Nintendo? Whoa!

Homie, I think the baby's coming. Wow. A baby and a free burger.

The whole country is proud of you. Well, it's about time! And on behalf of America, I'd like to-- Ow! All right, Lovejoy! You're gonna get it. Hello? Hello? I command you to answer me! Hello? Al, do you have to do that right now?

Ah, he could've killed this one days ago. The body is bloated and the face is rotten. (GRUNTS) It was five minutes ago, you twit! (GROANS) (SNIFFING) Hmm.

- You're taking this quite well. - I'll kill you! I'll kill all of you! Homer!

Oh, sure, Marge. Just like Blind Bart, Wheelchair Bart, Pregnant Bart, and my personal favorite, Railroad Spike-Through-Head Bart. (LAUGHING) Kids love trains.

It's just some new guy moving in. Disco Stu likes disco music.

Mr. Smithers? I thought you were, you know... Ha-ha. No, I'm straight. As long as I take these injections every 10 minutes. I love boobies!

Milhouse is out bed and full beans.

And we are back with more of People Who Look Like Things.

Get out! This is my office now! Get out! You too! This is a place of business, not a peewee flophouse! Your orders, sir. Restore my office, cancel all repairs,

Is I.P. Freely here?

Dios mio, this kid is fun to hit!

Unless you're being ironic, turn that off now.

Two weeks? What am I supposed to do? Just sit on my ass and watch TV? That ain't my style, man. Now, Homer, there are people right through that door that have it much worse than you. No, they don't. Mmm, everyone's having fun but me.

Chair goes round. Chair goes round. Hey, Homer, you busy? - Yes. - There's a new guy at the plant. Maybe we ought to say hi to him. I don't know. I'm kind of dizzy. I should probably go home sick.

But we call French fries "chips." Love, Ringo. P.S. Forgive the lateness of my reply. Ohh-oooh !

You took all the money you made franchising your name... and bet it against the Harlem Globetrotters? Oh! I thought the Generals were due!

I am. It's a little something I whipped up in shop. Mostly latex. What are you doin' out here? We've got a test, and I didn't read the book. I'll get a zero for sure. Bart, what do I do? Well, if it was me, I'd just take the zero. Uh, but that's not for everyone.

Uh, how are we gonna get out of here? We'll dig our way out!

What a scoop! Okay, Maggie. You win. But I want you to do something for me. Hang on to that bear. Don't make the same mistake I made.

friends, coworkers, Tibor. I never thought it'd be my own wife. Well, maybe you'd get promoted if you worked a little harder. Are you kidding? I work like a japanese beaver. Oh, really? I came to see you three times today. Twice you were sleeping and once you were kicking that ball of electrical tape around.

I never want to see you again! You either.

Hold on. I'll check. Mike Rotch ? Mike Rotch ! Hey, has anybody seen Mike Rotch lately ?

Well, Bart, what do you think of little Lisa?

Sending your chick a valentine, huh? Yep. johnny? Johnny? Johnny!

Sure, for you, a baby's all fun and games. For me, it's diaper changes and midnight feedings. Doesn't Mom do that? Yeah, but I hear about it.

Ohh! Stop clapping! Whoa! Go, Lisa! Come on, everybody. Give it up for my little girl.

Ah, ah, ah, ah Table five, table five Ah, ah, ah, ah Table fi-i-i-ive Table five Table five Hey, what's the big deal?

Ha-ha! Excellent. You fruits wouldn't know what to do with me! I first met Homer in 1927 in a bar in Brooklyn. Little did I know he would soon become Mrs. Joe DiMaggio, and-- Roll the clips!

What are you talking about? I don't need pep pills to be suspicious. If I want to comment on it, I'll comment on it. Who's gonna stop me? You, Pep Pill Boy? Pep Boys, pills, Beverly Sills. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Uh-oh. Uh-oh. I gotta stop taking those pills he gave me.

Good evening, Edna. I know we were planning to see a film tonight, but instead, I'm leaving town forever. No, please. I don't care what you've done. You're still a decent, honorable man.

Mr. Honey Bunny! You inhuman monster! You want a piece of me? Stop it! Stop it! Conserve your precious hatred for the game. Now that we're all alone, Marge, admit it.

For three weeks, all you been talkin' about was meeting Matlock. Now you met him, swiped his pills-- "Take one every hour to prevent spastic heart convulsions." Clear! But you ain't said a word! Lookin' at that tired old freak has made me realize... I'm no spring chicken myself.

Look! We got a package from the Mr. Sparkle Company in japan. Ooh! Hmm? Hmm. Ow! It's a videotape. Put it in! Put it in!

"taste-imony." Sir, this is a house of justice, not a sugar shack. It's Hershey highwaymen like you who made me fat.

Joan Collins? That girl sleeps with everybody!

Weren't much on the air then. just Edison reciting the alphabet over and over. "A," he'd say. Then "B." "C" would usually follow.

Those notes are owned by Disney.

I stand by my ethnic slur!

They have violent names for everything here. Oh, I see. All right. I'll have the baby guts. Lady, you disgust me. Mom, that's veal. Oh.

Arr! Have ye tried a Baltic squid? They can suck the bolts out of a submarine's hull. All right! Fangoria will give me 25 bucks for this shot. I can give you the name of a good gum and hair man.

Ah, Come-- Gee! "Put food in me." I'll take that. Well, duh! With what, Ned?

You're mutants?

That'll learn him to bust my "tomater."

Oh, dear. Phew! Boy, that-- Ow! He's waking up! Oh, Homie, I'm so glad you're all right.

Domo arigato, Mr. Roboto. You can do it, Otto! You can do it--

My Barbara will no longer pleasure me with the French arts! The gal I'm stalkin' had me bumped back to 200 feet. Aw, Moe! That's too far!

Oh. Well, Ralph seems happy enough.

and there's your king-sized bed for-- Hubba-hubba. Stop that! I love my wife and family. All I'm gonna use this bed for is sleeping, eating and maybe building a little fort. That's it!

Look out, Ralph! I found a moon rock in my nose. Houston, we have a booger.

That's right. I fill your driveways with ice and snow. What are you gonna do about it? Nothin'. That's what. Stop! Mr. Plow! Get out, you lousy... season. All right. I'm going.

8:58. First time I've ever been early for work-- except for all those daylight savings days. Lousy farmers. "To start, press any key." Where's the "Any" key?

You must avenge my death, Kimba. I mean, Simba. Luke, I am your father. This is CNN. Will you guys pipe down? I'm sayin' good-bye to Lisa. We're sorry. I don't want you to go.

And his brain waves are disturbingly erratic.

You know, you can influence people without badgering them always. It's like Paul's song, "Live and Let Live." It was "Live and Let Die." Whatever, whatever. It had a good rhythm. I guess I have been pretty hard on a lot of people, especially my dad. Thanks, you guys. Lisa, before you go, would you like to hear a song?

See the boy-- five dollars. Or call him 24 hours a day on BartChat. BartChat. - Are you Bart? - Sure, I am. I didn't do nothin'. Uh, isn't it, "I didn't do it"? Yeah, whatever.

- Have some nuts. - Hey, thanks. Ow! My eye! Ow! Ow! Ow! Now, if you wanna be the life of the party like Lenny here,

Hee-hee-hee! I pity those poor suckers on the freeway. Gas, brake, honk. Gas, brake, honk. Honk, honk, punch. Gas, gas, gas. 8:58. First time I've ever been early for work--

Hey, egghead! Sing "fair Harvard." Fair Harvard, I-- You, sir, have the boorish manners of a Yalie! Here's A witty rejoinder For ya!

Well, it's pretty important. Say, what's goin' on?

Two dollars for the first minute 50 cents for each additional minute. Thanks for calling, kids. A new message every day.

which is what they called Shelbyville in those days. So I tied an onion to my belt, which was the style at the time. Now, to take the ferry cost a nickel. And in those days, nickels had pictures of bumblebees on 'em. "Give me five bees for a quarter," you'd say.

Football injury. (LAUGHS) Now why don't you just sign the check? Here, use my pen. Forget it. (ROARS)

Well, as the tree said to the lumberjack, I'm stumped. It's like he just disappeared into fat air.

I'll tell you what's poisonous, your attitude. You know these... (GROANING) I'm dying! But at least people will always remember the expedition of Lewis and Clark and Tweedleburger...

I give you our 39th president, jimmy Carter. Oh, come on! He's history's greatest monster!

But I want to learn a dance I can use in real life, like the tango de la muerte. Oh, bless your heart. Let's get you some tap shoes. Uh, Little Vicki, I really think she had her heart set on-- Little advice, don't live through your child. Okay.

And he was cast into the fiery cauldron of hell! The searing heat, the scalding rivers of molten sulfur! Ahhh, I'm there.

What kind of a monster would humiliate me like this? This has been a Bart-toon presentation. In association with Ay Carumba Entertainment. Why that little--

Seymour! Are you looking at naked ladies? No, Mother. You sissy!

My prognosis-- Or is it diagnosis? Whichever. You need to avoid stress. Now what kind of work do you do?

Ah, what a gyp. They're all just lyin' around. Do something! Bart, they're not here to entertain us. I've seen plays that were more exciting than this. Honest to God. Plays!

(GASPING) Get ready, skanks. Here comes the truth train!

Miss Hoover. Bart, why are you doing that? Our class is making refreshments for Skinner's party. These are in honor of his army days. That explains the flags. - What about the dog food? - My theory is Skinner likes dog food.

Montgomery Burns's office. Oh, hello, Mrs. Burns. I'll see if your son is available. Mr. Burns has a mother? She must be a hundred million years old. She has limited capacities. All she can do is dial and yell. I'm sorry. Monty can't come to the phone right now. He's in a very important meeting and can't be disturbed.

Oh, God. I miss Lisa's cat so much.

It is the real Krusty. Look at that pacemaker scar, the cattle skull birthmark... and his famous superfluous nipple. At least you're not as bad as Customs. How could you, Krusty? I'd never lend my name to an inferior product. Oh! They drove a dump truck full of money up to my house.

Were they even listening to me? I, uh, don't think so. And now, let's hear it for our own Miss Springfield.

Dad, it's 3:00 a.m.! Can't you mutter in your room? Marge kicked me out. All right. Go ahead. Pushy kids think they can tell me what to do in my house. i tell you, parents these days, they don't know how to rear children.

Now Chinatown was a classic. But you had problems with the sequel, The Two jakes? Oh, boy. Disappointed? I had the blues like Chasen's had chili. I said to myself, "Evans, you forgot Hollywood rule number one-- kill Homer Simpson."

I look after her now. No, Bart, put it down. Put it down, Bart. Bart, put it down. Oh! No all-you-can-eat seafood. I wore my extra-loose pants for nothing. Nothing! Maybe Laura could watch us.

You mean it ain't me noggin', it's me Peepers?

You're still not in your own world, Homer. I can get you home, but you have to do exactly as I-- This is indeed a disturbing universe. Don't touch anything? I'll touch whatever I feel like!

Whack! Ooh. Excuse me. Whack, whack, whack! Whoa, whoa, whoa! Bart, I'd like you to read this copy of johnny Tremain. It's a book I read as a girl. A book? I think you might like this. It's about a boy who goes to war. His hand is deformed in an accident.

Then he joined that cult. I think his name is Mother Shabubu now.

Joan, give me your dessert. Yes, sir. Oh. That's going straight to my five thighs.

Wherever there is mystery and the unexplained, cosmic forces shall draw me near. Uh-huh. Hey, Spock! What do you want on your hot dog? Surprise me.

Ahhh, I'm just a big, toasty cinnamon bun. I never wanna leave this bed. Uh-oh. Gotta take a whiz. Think, man. Think. Think, think, think. I better get up.

Hey, my favorite-- raspberry swirl with a double glaze! Double glaze. Oh! Okay, so we have one thing in common. But you know what I hate? Drinking beer and watching TV. Not me. That's my idea of heaven. D'oh! Me too!

Yeah, I bought your mutt, and I ate him! I 'ate his little face, I 'ate his guts, and I 'ate the way he's always barking! So, I gave him to the church.

Oh, Simpson. What are you doing here? My wife's having a girls' night out. Ah, just get one of those inflatable women. But make sure it's a woman though. 'Cause one time I-- Come on. I'll, uh-- I'll give you a ride home.

Uh, excuse me, neighbor. Uh, yeah. I-i couldn't help but notice you picked pretty much all of my flowers. Can't make a float without flowers. Oh, true enough. But, uh, did you have to salt the earth so nothing would ever grow again? Yeah.

Homer, what are you doing? I swallowed a chicken bone. (GAGGING)

Prepare for the end! The end of high prices!

We're Americans. We deserve clean highways. You pigs! Oh, no! Bette Midler! Now, where were we?

My chunky brothers, gorge yourselves at the trough of freedom! Ahh! Sweet, nourishing gruel! Kowalski! My brownies! Wiggum! A change of underwear! Crandall! My insulin!

You're going to need open-heart surgery.

Superintendent, I hope you're ready for mouthwatering hamburgers. I thought we were having steamed clams. D'oh, no. I said steamed hams. That's what I call hamburgers. You call hamburgers steamed hams? Yes. It's a regional dialect. Uh-huh. Uh, what region?

Willie, as your employer, I insist-- Oh! Stop! This has gone on just long enough! Nobody carjacked me.

Double glaze. Oh! Okay, so we have one thing in common. But you know what I hate? Drinking beer and watching TV. Not me. That's my idea of heaven. D'oh! Me too! Really? I can see I'm gonna love working with you.

That was eight years ago.

Deploy, damn you! Deploy! It hurts! It hurts! Owee! Owee! Owee! Ow!

ANNOUNCER: He explored the behavior of individual molecules in a chemical reaction. She's the sexy star of Alias. Please welcome Nobel laureate Dr. Dudley Herschbach and Emmy nominee Jennifer Garner. (AUDIENCE APPLAUDING) She blinded me with science You know, Dr. Herschbach, our jobs are actually not that different.

You're it. - Now you are the one who is it. - Understood.

What about all the times I didn't wear a tutu?

Wow, look at all these flavors. "Blessed Virgin Berry, Command-mint, Bible Gum." Or if you prefer, we also have Unitarian ice cream. There's nothing here. Exactly.

It's pretty tame by today's standards. Children ! Bedtime ! I guess I'll have no trouble gettin' to sleep tonight.

Um, did you like it? Come on, Flanders. There's got to be something you hate. What about mosquito bites? Mm-mmm. Sure are fun to scratch. Mmm, satisfying. What about, uh, fluorescent lights? Ooh, they hum like angels.

Sometimes I think you want to fail! Shut up. just shut up!

No ! Stay away. This is not for you. This is Homer food. Time to get up, Lisa. It's a school day. Lisa, you don't look well.

Oh, I admit it. It's only two alarm. Two and a half tops. I just wanted to be a big man in front of the kids. Daddy, are you going to jail? We'll see, Son. We'll see. Evenin', little lady.

That sounds like the Lupus Fun Run.

Gotta finish. Gotta finish. Am I using too much glue? You won't eat our meat, but you glue with our feet.

Malibu Stacy, America's favorite eight-and-a-half-incher. In 1959, homemaker Stacy Lavelle had a design and a dream. The design? Malibu Stacy.

I knew it! No. I mean this CD. The Best of Wings. For the Band on the run You know, we've been through some 280 adventures together.

Come on. I dare ya. Chicken. Hey.

Wait. Wait, Marge. I can't find your father.

Honey, what's wrong? I'll tell you what. That rotten Moe is getting rich off a recipe I gave him.

Will Milhouse and I be friends when we're high school dropouts living off Uncle Sucker?

May I have that seat? Yes, if you can answer me these questions three. Question the first-- Never mind.

Boy, lenny, you sure look hungry. - Have some nuts. - Hey, thanks. Ow! My eye! Ow! Ow! Ow! Now, if you wanna be the life of the party like Lenny here, just place your order for this hilarious novelty item. Homer, get outta here.

I'm worried Homer might do the same thing. What would make a husband lose interest like that? What I do now I do as your dearest friend. Look at this flab! Look at it! - Oh, my God! Is that me? - Most assuredly, yes. Faced with a problem like this, I wonder, what would Oprah do?

Maybe it's time to quit the game. Amateurs! Huh? Dad? That's right. You don't smoke a pipe. That's right.

"Guess who likes you."

And he gambles like crazy. I'll call. Three nines. Oh! I almost had a straight! Come to new papa.

the monster mash it was A graveyarD smash he did the mash it caught on in A flash he did the mash he did the monster maSh From my laboratory in the castle east To the master bedroom where the vampires feast

I'll bet I get blamed for this. But, Aquaman, you cannot marry a woman without gills. You're from two different worlds. Oooh, I've wasted my life.

This taco is full of hair. Uh-huh. There's your explanation. Shall we tell Marge? Let her read about it in the society page.

You crumb bum! You looked me right in the eye and lied to me! Marge, this is the God's truth. I burned the mural. But I did not burn Skinner's car. I just saw you!

Well, isn't it possible for an evil company to make people happy? Are you saying the end justifies the means? That's a very glib interpretation. Hey! Don't talk to my sister that way. No, Bart. He's right. I did oversimplify. Perhaps. But let's not get bogged down in semantics. I think what Lisa meant to say is--

Higher! Higher! Oh, I'll give you higher, my filthy little urchin. You've won this round.

Homer? In America, first you get the sugar, then you get the power, then you get the women. Homer! Huh?

Actually, Mr. Simpson, they do know a great deal about the process of mummification. First, they pulled the brain out through the nose with an iron hook... and stuffed the insides with sawdust and onions. Eww, gross ! Ooh, pretty creepy. Still, I'd rather have him chasing me than the Wolfman. Oh, Lord.

Bart, warm up the car. We're going to Duff Gardens! Yea! Now, what do we say when we get to the ticket booth? "We're under six." And I'm a college student. Heh, heh! Kids, I have some bad news.

Mother. Superintendent Chalmers! Skinner! What I wouldn't give for something... to interrupt this awkward moment. That'll do nicely. You gotta hand it to Krusty. Yeah.

Seems there's been a prohibition law on the books in Springfield for 200 years. It's just never been enforced. Get out of here, old clerk guy. There's also a law requiring ducks to wear long pants. Wait a minute! Let me see that! Well, I'll be darned. Long pants.

What? Can't we sit on the couch without something happening? D'oh!

Uh-oh. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Stop the music. Quiet, please. I have something to say. Quiet.

(PLAYING UPBEAT MUSIC) (MEOWS)

Oh, man, There goes Peter Frampton's big finale. He's gonna be pissed off. You're damn right I'm gonna be pissed off! I bought that pig at Pink Floyd's yard sale!

Who is Homer? My name is Guy incognito. Oh, my God! This man is my exact double! That dog has a puffy tail!

Found 'em! You kids are in big trouble, running away from home like this! But they stole our lemon tree! I don't care what excuse you've got. Nothing's gonna stop me in the middle of this speech. You're gonna-- Lemon tree?

Once there was a robot named Todd-- Did he have a brother? Yes, he had a brother robot named Rod, who was two space years older than him. I don't like this story!

All right. Here goes. Forgive us, jebediah. We mean no disrespect.

You don't make friends by winning. Still, there's nothing more popular than a gracious winner. Don't ask me. I'm just hair. Your head stopped 18 inches ago.

Shall I show you to your room, or would you prefer... to be dragged off kicking and screaming? Ooh, kicking and screaming, please. As you wish. Noooooo!

Welcome, kindergarteners. I'm Principal Sinner-- Skinner. Well, that's it. I've lost them forever.

Leopold. All right, you little punks. Prick up your freakin' ears, because I'm only gonna be saying this once. From now on, things are gonna be very, very different around here-- with your new principal, Ned Flanders.

I believe you! I don't care!

We are the Super Friends Hey, shut up.

Dad! That's Fox! Undo! Undo!

There. Done and done. Oh! Why did I have to stop at the railroad tracks? Better get Some change.

Why, you're the first one here. Please accept this free ticket to the 1939 World's Fair. Thanks, Mr. Burns. I owe it all to walking. Walking, eh? Let me give it a try. Whoa! Well, I'd better drag myself to the hospital.

This overcrowding in detention is becoming critical. It's a powder keg waiting to go off in an explosion of unacceptable behavior. Don't bitch to me, boss man. Thanks to the latest budget cuts, I'm down to using Grade "F" meat.

How many times have I heard Rex Reed say that? Oh, great. Now you're gonna make fun of me. No, Homer, I won't make fun. But I will suggest that there may be better things in life... than seeing a man get hit in the groin with a football. Ha-ha! Well, Homer?

Uh, "Meltdown Alert"? "Mad Dog Drill"? "Blimp Attack"? Ah! I think a good old-fashioned fire drill today!

So repeat after me: If I withhold the truth, may I go straight to hell, where I will eat naught but burning-hot coals... and drink naught but burning-hot cola. Where fiery demons will punch me in the back, where my soul will be chopped into confetti... and strewn upon a parade of murderers and single mothers,

would result in months and months of-- Can we have a pool, Dad? Can we have a pool, Dad? Can we have a pool, Dad? Can we have a pool, Dad? Can we have a pool, Dad? Can we-- I understand.

Barney, I'd like to put a Spanish version of your jingle on my next album. SeÑor plow no es macho eS solamente un borracho Yeah, you do that.

and poke their eyes out, and be smothered by cats.

(SCREAMING) (GROWLING) (SCREAMING) Why didn't we listen to Dad? The worst part is I'll never see my Homie again. That's the worst part? Then I'm not doing my job.

Homer Simpson wrecks my pig, Cypress Hill steals my orchestra... and Sonic Youth's in my cooler! Get out of there, you kids! Oh, come on, Mr. Frampton. You're not gonna eat all that watermelon. Please! I'm trying to perform. Go ahead. We'll stay here and guard your cooler.

How dare you! Whoo-hoo.

Hey, Lise! Think you’re well-adjusted? I’ve got something to show you! f Marge f r can 't belie ve you talked me into this. ts such a mess. Ooh! Watch the teeth! Don 't go telling your buddies at work about this. Every tape is pumpkin carving.

Bart's lawyer is here. But, Marge, this is a chance for me to fulfill my lifelong dream. What lifelong dream? Promise not to laugh? I always wanted to own the Dallas Cowboys.

Hmm, let's see... Nah. Hmm... Hey! I've got an ambition to do some wishin'. Keep your pants on, Flanders! I'm wishing as fast as I can!

You're four strokes behind, Simpson. Oh, a cunning stratagem, sir. It's curving right toward the green. And it's... there!

Ogdenville! I hope you enjoy your plaque, cheater! Well, I was going to give you the Good Sportsmanship Award, but now I'm just going to be sick. I can't believe those idiot judges were impressed by glowing plastic tubes!

That's it. I cannot work under these conditions. If anybody wants me, I'll be downstairs at McDougal's.

It's the bimonthly Springfield sci-fi convention. That's right. It's Bi-Mon-Sci-Fi-Con. Come meet all your favorite stars: Mark Hamill, Alf, and many more.

All i had to do was walk a few blocks from the Port Authority Bus Terminal... to my train at Penn Station.

Oh, God! My head. - Homer! - Burnsie! Okay, search party, before we set out, let's take a moment to humor the children.

I am! I worked like a dog for this. Yeah! Me too. Oh, you're burning it all wrong, Seymour. It's my allowance, Mother, and I'll burn it the way I want. Take that, you greedy fat cats. Marge, give me your purse. Here's $42. That's everything I have.

Homer. You're, uh, on the towel rack. Whoo-hoo! Four more pounds, and my dream comes true. Working at home.

Welcome to T.G.I. McScratchy's, where it's constantly New Year's Eve.

Hello. I am Montgomery Burns. Now then, I am looking for a suitable young male heir... to leave my fortune to when I pass away. My vast, vast, vast fortune. Vast.

Coming up next, "The Flintstones Meet The jetsons." Uh-oh. I smell another cheap cartoon-crossover.

Have you seen Milhouse? No. Now, go away. We're racing... for the title of the Champion of the Universe. All right!

Now we play the waiting game.

Whoopsy-doodle. Oh, man! Ned spilled ink all over my poems! He's a real flat tire. I mean a cube, man. He's putting us on the train to Squaresville, Mona.

Clang, clang, clang went the trolley Ring, ring, ring went the bell - Zing, Zing, zing went my heart strings-- Thank you! Give the bully an extra point.

Come! Let us kill them before learning of the magical secret which they possess! MEN: Get them! (BART SCREAMING) (ALL YELLING ANGRILY)

Gonna work on my "tannage," buddy. Pauly Shore? Wow! Hey. We should do a show together, man. That's a sure cure for the blues. Hey! Turn those frowns around. Oh, no. Rosie O'Donnell! Come on, everybody! Sing along!

Choo, choo, choo, choo! Woo-wooo! And I shall rule the "down under-verse!" We'll see about that, mate.

You may choose either the backseat of a Camaro,

Though it was unusual to spend 28 minutes reporting on a doll, this reporter found it impossible to stop talking. It's just really fascinating news, folks. Good night. Oh, and the president was arrested for murder. More on that tomorrow night. Or you can turn to another channel.

Hmm. Bold, refreshing... and something I can't quite put my finger on.

You broke a promise to your child. What? You promised Lisa to help her with her costume. You made her cry. Then I cried. Then Maggie laughed. She's such a little trouper.

Think unsexy thoughts. Think unsexy thoughts. Think unsexy thoughts. Ew!

"It was the best of times, it was the 'blurst' of times"? You stupid monkey! Oh, shut up.

No, thanks. I'm on Atkins. My family hates me. My stupid friends kick me out of their stupid party. They'll all be sorry when I invent the world's best-tasting cola and share it with no one! (CHUCKLES) (LAUGHING MANIACALLY)

Ho! Good-bye student loan payments. Ha, ha! Come back here, you stinkin'-- Hey. I wonder how much air is in here.

Can't you take a hint ? But I really want a pony, and I've been really, really good this year. Oh, dear. Maybe Bart is a little more realistic. A tattoo ? A what ? Yeah ! They're cool, and they last the rest of your life. You will not be getting a tattoo for Christmas.

You Choo-Choo-choose me? Happy Valentine's.

I swear I'll never wear any clothing made from an animal... that can do an amusing trick. Another victory for Montgomery Burns's champion greyhounds-- 25 dogs, 25 world champions, which so far have earned their owner over $10 million. I'll bet whoever gave him those dogs is kicking themselves now.

We all scream for...

Marge, would you love me more if I were president? 'Cause I'll do it if it'll make you happy. Homie, as long as you keep the car full of gas, I'm happy. Well, you can always depend on that.

All we own, we owe All we own, we owe Shh! All we own, we owe All we own, we owe

Here. Have some nuts. Hey, thanks. Ow! God! My eye! Ow! Get it out! Geez! Gaagh! Don't pull. Don't pull. I said don't pull! Don't!

Matt Groening? What's he doing in a museum? He can barely draw! Ow! Oh, no! I'm being erased! Move it, bub! We got an installation to "installate."

My daddy shoots people.

- Tommy Lee. - Andy Dick.

Hello, Number Five. How's every little thing? Who are you, and why are you holding me here? I want answers now or I want them eventually! Fair enough. I'll level with you. Ow. Please, don't do that. Sorry.

- What? - Aaah! Yes! Aaah! Somebody light this monkey.

and uplifting as I tried to be. Actually, it's a hemorrhoid infomercial starring Claude Akins. Can I play "Hemorrhoid Sufferer Number One"? Ooh! Oh, that hurts! Aah! Oh, is there no relief? I don't think so. Well, how about one of the "after" guys? Ahh! Oh, that's better.

Smithers, what are you doing up here? What are you doing with his ball? And all those other balls? Uh, there are no other balls. just these, uh, reptile eggs! Oh, step away! They're endangered.

Don't you remember when Maggie shot Mr. Burns? I thought Smithers did it. That would have made a lot more sense.

You sunk my Scrabbleship.

This bullet matches the one we took out of Burns. Homer Simpson, you're under arrest for attempted murder. D'oh! Yeah, that's what they all say. They all say, "D'oh."

Target date: January 2007.

Well, Seymour, it seems we put together... a baseball team, and I was wondering-- Who's on first? Yes. Not the pronoun, but rather a player... with the unlikely name of Who is on first. Yes. Well, that's just great, Seymour. We've been out here six seconds. You've already managed to blow the routine.

Sometimes you gotta go where everybody knows your name. Hey, guys! - Moe, get the darts. I wanna play. - No. We're phasing out the games. People drink less when they're having fun. Oh.

We were learning to use all 33 forks. Young lady, that is not an olive fork! Here's a simple trick to help you remember. Ow!

And let me say, "May the force be with you." - Do you even know who I am? - I think I do. Weren't you one of the Little Rascals?

Oh, look at this place. Hoo. We must have really painted the town last night. I have a pounding headache, my mouth tastes like vomit, and I don't remember a thing. Welcome to my world. Oh, I did it!

Tell him yourself. You're ignoring Lisa, not Bart. Bart, thank your mother for pointing that out. Homer, you're not not talking to me. And, secondly, I heard what you said. Lisa, tell your mother to get off my case. Uh, Dad, Lisa's the one you're not talking to. Bart, go to your room! Why don't you just eat him, Dad?

Now, let's clear this up. Who exactly are you? Sergeant Seymour Skinner, U.S. Army. it's true. i was in his platoon. But they said you were killed on that scouting mission.

But there were bigger problems offscreen. After judging a Miss Hawaiian Tropic beauty contest... at the Sheraton Hali'a Kalua Le'a, Bart created a ruckus on a Hawaiian Airline jet, attacking several flight attendants. While he was in rehab, the part of Bart Simpson was played... by his good friend Richie Rich.

I'll twist this bottle in your face Aaah! Hallelujah! I've done it again!

Shh! By the time they find out, we'll have taken our cyanide pills. Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Why don't we just invite our creditor nations here...

I love you, Dad ! Doh ! Dirty trick. Okay, I'm not gonna kill you, but I'm gonna tell you three things that are gonna haunt you for the rest of your days. You've ruined your father, you've crippled your family... and baldness is hereditary ! It is ?

Superintendent, we made the front page today.

But, "Homi," Ranger Ned's not gonna like that. I'll handle Ranger Ned. After all, I'm smarter than the average bear. Well, hello there, Ho-didilly-omi. Well, I'm afraid I'm gonna have to ask you to hand over that--

Get away from my store, you young hoodlums! And what if we don't, pops? He's got a broom! Let's get outta here! Forget the pennies! Go! Go! You promised me no more brooms. I know this is not your way. But we're in America now.

But most of all, I remember the music. You make me feel like dancin' I wanna dance the night away What the hell are you two doin'? It's called rockin' out. You wouldn't understand, Dad. You're not with it. I used to be "with it." But then they changed what "it" was.

Jingle bells jingle bells Bart! Why are you doing that? I don't know. Well, this time you must be punished! Well, you could punish me, but-- No tricks, boy. I said I'm gonna punish you. And come hell or high water, I--

Ahh, it got boring. I'm really into this cup and ball now.

i drank some very good beer I purchased with a fake i.D. My name was BriaN mcgee I Stayed up listening to queen when I was 17

Every Teddy bear who's been good is sure of A treat today there's lots of marvelous things to eat and wonderful games to play beneath the trees where nobody sees they'll hide and seek As long As they please today's the day the Teddy bears have their picnic.

Well, uh... Why? You haven't paid your rent. Can I at least get my stuff? All I found in there was a jar of mustard and a couple of old Cycle magazines. Wow! I had mustard?

Ben, I have a question. No, Ben, no!

How long till it's running? Keep your pants on, Smithers. First we need a human brain.

I can't just wallow in sadness. It's time to laugh again!

Why are we even going? Last year, Uncle Tyrone was bitter and depressed. Happy birthday to you Why won't I die?

Dude, buzz has it an even wussier kid has an even better pool than this! Huh? Hello? Hey, I'm stuck in here. I gotta think of a way to get out.

Stop! Wait! Wait! Attendez! I cannot get the lid off my jar of rainbows! Who will help me? You, sir? But I cannot help you. I am just a local merchant from, uh, this town. Just smash it open!

Mom? I think I'll have some wine. Marge? Yes, Homie? That's it! You people have stood in my way long enough!

Your new principal would like to say a few words. Remember, you have to respect him. - He's a war hero. - Ha-ha! Thank you, Chalmers. Where I come from, there's no better way to get acquainted... than by reciting the Pledge of Allegiance together.

I think she has a degree in engineering or something. Hi. How's it going? Pleased to meet you. Yeah, ditto. Hi. Ooh. Homer, what's the matter? Ain't you never seen a naked chick ridin' a clam before? Gotta go! Ahhh!

Ooh! Short answer-- yes, with an "if." Long answer-- no, with a "but."

Stop clapping! Whoa! Go, Lisa! Come on, everybody. Give it up for my little girl.

Oh, yeah Hey, Duff lovers! Does anyone in this bar love Duff! Hey, it's Duffman. Newsweek said you died of liver failure. Duffman can never die, only the actors who play him. Oh, yeah!

Possibly while high! Cypress Hill, I'm looking in your direction. Hey, man, did we order an orchestra? What's up with this orchestra? Where'd the orchestra come from, man? I don't know. You didn't tell me about this, man. We gotta do somethin'. Uh, yeah, we think we did. Uh, do you know "Insane in the Brain"?

I'm not really in any French class. This was just a brilliant scheme to get to know you better. Hmm. Ow ! You knew the city forensics finals are tomorrow, and you kept me here until 1:00 a.m. pretending to be stupid ! Homer J. Simpson, I hate you !

At least now I can get some rest. Hidilly-ho, Bart!

Excellent, Zutroy. Work hard and each day you'll get a shiny penny. Agent Wesson, Department of Labor. This man's an illegal alien. That's preposterous. Zutroy here is as American as apple pie. Mr. Burns.

Look, I'm really starting to worry. There's half-eaten cupcakes everywhere. We're all out of paper clips. And the curtains smell like doob. Oh, yeah? Well, I got news for you! I just got promoted, and it's all thanks to "Yes, I cannabis." Hmm! We have a kitchen?

Yes. Thank you, Anton.

Now, boys and girls let's welcome our very special guest Ted Carpenter from the Twirl King Yo-Yo Company. Kids, this is a yo-yo. Kind of dull, huh? Not much competition for a video game... or is it?

One, two, three. "Community Chest." Nah.

Yes. I want to be emancipated. Emancipated? Dont you like being a dude? No, Dad. It means Bart would be a legal adult and free to move out ofthe house. I wanted a sewing room, but not like this. Not like this! Mom, youve always been cool to me... but Homer is a lousy dad, and I'm not gonna take it anymore!

The knee bone's connected to the... Something the something's connected to the Red thing the Red thing's connected to my wristwatch Uh-oh.

That was a baby tooth.

I'm sure Lurleen will love it. How much did you just give that man? Calm down, Marge. just our life savings. I'm not going into hock for this. Hey, Colonel Homer. And you must be-- Mrs. Homer Simpson. Charmed. I thought you said she was overweight.

Don't worry. I brought my "Rappin' Ronnie Reagan" tape. It always makes the trip go faster. Well, well, well W-W-W-W-W-W-well, well, well You know something? He did say "well" a lot.

Hey, what's so funny. Oh, Marge, grow up!

"Food hygienically stored?" Only one way to find out. Mmm, mmm, mmm. (GAGGING) Oh, my God, he's dead. Okay, which one of you guys parked in front of the hydrant?

Oh, come on, Homer. All I'm asking is for you to yank my teats and harvest my milk. Oh, fine! Ooh, that's nice. You’re actually quite gentle when you want to be. You know, you’re not helping. J In thejungle the creepyjungleJ J Homer rides a freak JJ

Hey, cool. I'm dead !

To get to Duff Gardens, I'd ride with Satan himself. That's the spirit. See ya tonight. Good-bye, Dad. Don't eat any solids. But I love solids. Won't be any fun without ya, Dad. Yea! This is all your fault! It--

What a nerd. Lucite hardening. Must end life in classic Lorne Greene pose... from Battlestar Galactica. Best... death... ever!

Sister? You mean she's not your girlfriend?

when dinosaurs weren't just confined to zoos! Okay. Don't panic. Remember the advice your father gave you on your wedding day. If you ever travel back in time, don't step on anything... because even the tiniest change... can alter the future in ways you can't imagine.

The dude is crazy! Will you duel, or are you a coward? Would a coward do this? Bye! Mmm! My hero! "H" is for Homer!

just do what you did before. All right. Eeny, meeny, miney, moe Catch tiger by toe If he hollers let him go Eeny, meeny, miney... moe. Crisis has been averted. Everything is super.

This was a wakeup call. From now on, I'll keep my eyes on the road and off my Kool & the Gang air freshener. Celebration's over, boys. (CAT SCREECHING) (THUD) (GASPS) Snowball! (SOBBING)

Hey, how come you guys got such great parking places? - It's a secret. - Shut up.

"Do not use steam room if you are overweight or have a heart condition." Wait a minute. I'm not wearing a shirt.

Ow ! Quit it. Ow ! Quit it. Ow ! Quit it. Ow ! Quit it. Hey, what's with this ?

I hope you cows are decent. Crap on a crust! They're milking rats. Milking rats! Rats? I'm outraged. You promised me dog or higher.

What’s a fortnight? You should know. ts on the test.

Is that what I think it is? Mm-hmm.

Gee, thanks, guys. This is just like The Deer Hunter.

Nacho, nacho man I want to be a nacho man

(CHUCKLES) Boy, are you in trouble. What are you talking about? When a woman says nothing's wrong, that means everything's wrong. And when a woman says everything's wrong, that means everything's wrong. And when a woman says something's not funny, you'd better not laugh your ass off.

Cornelius Chapman built the first log cabin in Springfield... and introduced the toothbrush to our fair City. Hey! Not bad! For years, he was Springfield's only basketball player, but he still managed to entertain the crowds. in the market crash of 1929,

Oh, a spoonful of slurry will cure what ails ya. Oh! You haven't changed at all! You're still evil. And when you're trying to be good, you're even more evil. I don't understand. Pigs need food. Engines need coolant. Dynamiters need dynamite. I'm supplying it to them at a tidy profit.

Hi! Did you miss me?

You just better have a damn good conductor. I locked my keys in there. Get a rock.

All right, maybe I did, but I didn't shoot him. Checks out. Okay, sir, you're free to go. Good, 'cause I got a hot date tonight. A date. Dinner with friends. Dinner alone. Watching TV alone. All right! I'm gonna sit at home and ogle the ladies... in the Victoria Secret Catalog.

And i hope thiS time it's gonnA last hope you like jamming Shh! Jamming

Hey, Lise. Be a doll and hand me that sealant.

If you ever travel back in time, don't step on anything... because even the tiniest change... can alter the future in ways you can't imagine.

Can you say "Mama"? Can you say "get bent"? Bart! Mr. Rogers says it all the time. He does not. Maggie, can you say "Daddy"? Daddy. Kitty. Kitty. Be-bop. Be-bop. Shove it. Shove it.

See, Cousin Merl and me was playing fetch with Geech. That's our old smellhound and-- Geech gone to heaven, Mr. Terwilliger. Oh, Cousin Merl, really!

Hello, chief. Let's talk. Why not? Uh, hello? Why am I Mr. Sparkle?

and no one remembers that word. But here are some words everyone remembers by Huey Lewis and the News. I want a new drug One that won't make me sick One that won't make me crash my car Or make me feel 3 feet thick

Me and Milhouse took some mail from a mail truck and threw it down the sewer. Son, I know you meant well, but that wasn't the right thing to do. What the hell are you talkin' about? You're the one who double-dared us.

There's your problem.

Hey, Michael, I don't get it. These guys seem as normal as you and me.

Accidentally giving me breast implants is not "a simple misunderstanding" My surgery was botched! “Botched.” What is that, the word ofthe day? You had no right to make my bosom this ample! Just come back in 48 hours. I can remove the implants.

Oh, sure. Like lawyers work in big skyscrapers and have secretaries. Look at him. He's wearing a belt. That's Hollywood for you. Ooh, I've never been to an underground club.

Case closed. Now, let's all read the funnies. Oh, look, Charlie Brown said, "Good grief." I didn't see that comin'.

I'll shave off the soup-strainer if you give the sailor talk the old heave-ho. Aye, aye... Admiral Butthead.

Hey, Bart, our dad says your dad is incompetent.

Jingle bells jingle bells jingle all The fifth grade will now favor us... with a scene from Charles, uh, Dickens' A Christmas Carol. How many grades does this school have ? "Dear friends of the Simpson family,

Anyway, the point is, you still have the power to change your future.

No, we're not worried. Our customers buy Duff... for its robust taste, not its alcoholic content.

Bart, look at this. My dad took me to Circus of Values last night and said I could get anything I wanted. Cool-- An oversize novelty billiard ball.

Whatever happened to Sideshow Bob? Don't you remember, Dad? He framed Krusty, he tried to kill Aunt Selma, he rigged an election-- And he tried to murder me! Oh, yeah. But what I'll mainly remember is the laughter. I wonder what he's doing now.

Winners don't use drugs. Ehh! Ehh! Ehh! Ehh! Ehh! Ehh! Ehh! Ehh! Aw! I'm outta money. Don't say that out loud.

Here comes "two."

Let's play truth or dare. Truth or dare! Truth or dare! I'll take... dare. I dare you to... kiss Lisa's brother. Eww!! What the..?

And to make sure we get there super fast, I'm hitting all the buttons with my palm. (GRUNTS) (SIREN BLARING) (EXPLOSION) Well, that hurt like hell.

Believe me, I'd like to. Good-bye. I've been looking over this list of things for the ceremony. I've got the extra wine glasses, but I'm still short a tandoori oven, an elephant and four castrati. What's a castrati? I don't know, but I'm sure it's spicy.

Milhouse? Is that you? Yeah. I gave my looks a new flava. Suck it in! Uh... Maybe later. (DOORBELL RINGS) What up, M-life? Milhouse, this isn't you. This is my only chance to be cool! Now please, let me give you a wedgie in front of these guys.

Ooh. I am Homer Simpson-- Silence, sinner! Prepare for an eternity of horrible pain! Oh, no! Oh! Ha-ha! Oh, be quiet! You'll wake up John Wayne.

Hey, I invented divorce! How did you get half of everything? You should've invented the pre-nup. And now half of your kingdom, please. I get Ireland? (LAUGHS) And by the power vested in me by you just now,

Well, at least Ned is trying. What are you doing to help? Well, since you're all such a big bunch of big ration babies, I'll just be in charge of the rationing. Look here, boy. The secret is to take tiny bites, like so. Mmm! Mmm! Mmm!

Here's your scientifically selected career. Architect! Mm-hmm. Insurance salesman. Mm-hmm. Salmon gutter?! Military strongman! Systems analyst, systems analyst, systems analyst. Systems analyst. All right! Homemaker?

Me-- The most beloved man in Springfield. Aw, it's a weird world, Homer. As hard as it is to believe, some people don't care for me neither. No, I won't accept that. No, it's true. I got their names written down right here... in what I call my, uh, enemies list. "jane Fonda, Daniel Schorr, jack Anderson"--

I been in this square pert' near 30 seasons, and I ain't a-leavin' now. He's dead now. Gabbo! Gabbo! Gabbo! - Did you see that? - Yeah. - What's Gabbo? - I figure it's some guy's name.

"The only exception was the embarrassingly dated humor... of Springfield's green-haired, red-nosed hack--" Yeah, yeah, yeah. "Krusty the Clown." No!

Hey, I know you from American Gladiators. You're Pyro! Only on weekends. During the week, I'm just your average workaday stuntman. Really? Go ahead. Break a chair on me. Wow! Thanks. Okay, boys, I gotta go. Come on, Lulu. Let's roll.

Mmm, fish. Oh, no! That's me! Get me out of here! Get-- Get-- Get out--

Comic Book Guy, don't do the crime if you can't do the key lime! (EXCLAIMING) How could this be any more humiliating? Hello. I'm Nichelle Nichols of Star Trek. Oh! You finally accepted my invitation for tea and chit chat.

First, I hook this common VCR... into the security camera system like so. Then I insert this old videotape of us working... on a continuous loop.

926. Sold to the five desperate chicks! All right! We got 'im! Hooh! Holy moly! Wow. Look who's the ladies' man.

Ah, yeah. It's a good thing you drifted by this brothel.

Now, enter the force of your swing. I suggest "feather touch." You have entered "power drive."

Well, there's my ride. The underground awaits. At least this time I'm awake for your good-bye. Oh, Homer. Remember, whatever happens, you have a mother, and she's truly proud of you.

This should be every boy's dream. Ha-ha! Your dad's not handy. Son, are you okay? I brought a homemade first aid kit! It's spring-loaded for quick access. (SCREAMING) Oh...

And when they told us he was missing, presumed dead, my future died once again. My life lost all meaning. Come on! Get to the part where you steal his identity. I'm trying to explain how emotionally fragile I was. Oh, it's one of those stories.

Welcome back to the final day of this-- the 23rd Olympiad, brought to you by Krusty Burger. You people are pigs! I personally am gonna spit in every 50th burger. I like those odds.

"And that's how I cured all disease, ended war, "and reunited the entire cast of TV's Facts of life, including longtime holdout Tootie."

That's a good shmendele. Oh, I've waited so long to hear you say that. What does it mean? Is it dirty?

Simpson, I shall make it the focus of my remaining years... that your dreams will go unfulfilled. Uh-oh. You're busted, Dad. Oh. My dreams will go unfulfilled ? Oh, no. I don't like the sound of that one bit.

If you are one of them, I advise you to turn off your set now.

I put Homer to bed, Abe. And now I'm going out. - It could be a late night. I'm meeting my destiny. - So long.

which was the style at the time.

My purpose in life is to witness this moment.

Eastern Airlines presents The World of Tomorrow! Don't walk, fly... in your personal Eastern Airlines Air Buggy. And say good-bye to the cola wars. The victor-- Eastern Airlines Cola. And we're not stopping there,

How many of you children have gone out to your car and found a flyer on the windshield? Are you the guy that puts 'em there? No. I-I'm his assistant. But one time he was sick and he let me do it. I totally screwed it up. Uh, um, that-that's it.

"Tragic news tonight. 120 dead... in a tidal wave in Kuala La-la--" "Pur--" "Kuala Lum-pur--" - France. - Yoink!

but he's got little feet like all good-hearted people !

That's a crud rock. It belongs in Crud Town.

Now, our game shows are a little different from yours. Your shows reward knowledge. We punish ignorance. Ignor-- What? Okay, let's begin. Our categories are: "ow. That hurts." "Why are you doing this to me?"

Oh, and the president was arrested for murder. More on that tomorrow night.

You're dead, nerd!

Cheerfully withdrawn. What about that tattoo on your chest? Doesn't it say "Die, Bart, Die"? No, that's German for-- "The Bart, The."

No one. You, Smithers? Oh, no, my dear friend. I have planned a far greater reward for you. When I pass on, you shall be buried alive with me. Oh. Goody.

Lousy, washed-up, broken-down tub of guts. Who does he think he is, anyway ? What's the matter, boy ? He wouldn't sign my ball.

just read it, and you're a Shoo-in! "Hello, Mr.-- Kurns. I bad want... money now. Me sick." Ooh, he card reads good. "So pick, please, me, Mr. Burns." It's Kurns, stupid!

No. No. No! Man, you'd think the quality would dip after 5,500 shows. But-- Well, the F.C.C. isn't laughing. They don't believe kids are learning anything from Itchy and Scratchy.

Are these indiscretions romantic, financial, or treasonous? Russian hooker. You tell me. Oh, no problem. We'll say you were on a fact-finding mission. I did find out one fact. She was a guy! Well, if Eddie Murphy can go on to do Doctor Dolittle,

How come you suck? Uh, I lack confidence?

(ALL SCREAMING) (CACKLING) Scary McBeasties, nibble and gnaw at their overstuffed buttocks! Milhouse, don't open your mouth! Whoa! (GAGGING) (ALL SCREAMING) (CLATTERING)

Oh, honey, you're not the world's worst mother. What about that freezer lady in Georgia? But what's the solution? Are we so bereft of ideas that we must revive... the antiquated notion of prohibition? Channel 6 says yes. Prohibition.

Excuse me, uh, Pharaoh? I think Moses here has something to ask you. Go! Uh, let my people go. Let your people go? I've never heard such insolence! You call yourselves slaves?

Even murder has its ugly side. Bob, would you mind rubbing my feet? Darling, you make it sound like a chore. Ooh. Oh. Good. Mmm. - Soon I will kill you. - Huh? Son pieds sentit beau--

You're mean. Hasta la vista, baby! Hmm? Uhh! What the-- Eww! D'oh!

"Mindy, because of our uncontrollable attraction, I think we should avoid each other from now on." "Max, what I did, I did because of alcohol and anger." "I'm tired of these jokes about my giant hand. The first such incident occurred in 1956 when"-- Hi, Homer.

I'm just relieved that Homer's safe and that you've recovered, and we can all get back to normal. Not exactly. Smithers, for attempting to kill me, I'm giving you a five percent pay cut. Ohh!

He's gaining on us! I'm scared! Come on, Ned! Move this thing! I can't! It's a Geo!

Welcome to the Internet, my friend. How can I help you? I'm interested in upgrading my 28.8 kilobaud Internet connection... to a 1.5 megabit fiber-optic T1 line. Will you be able to provide an I.P. router... that's compatible with my token ring Ethernet LAN configuration? Can I have some money now?

This is the end My only friend the end Weird scenes inside the gold mine

Well, who's mad now? Hi, there. I'm your daddy. Mmm!

I'd say... 53 years old and 420 pounds.

Oh, my. I had no idea how much this town loved that zirconia. Let me through! Coming through! Oh! Oh, Grampa, they pelted you too? No, actually I fell down at the Big Boy. Son, I've come to help you. I know who the cat burglar is.

Yeah, okay. But somewhere out there, something is watching us. There are alien forces acting in ways we can't perceive. Are we alone in the universe? Impossible when you consider the wonders that exist all around us. Voodoo priests of Haiti, the Tibetan numerologists of Appalachia, the unsolved mysteries of Unsolved Mysteries.

That's it. Next time I fly.

All right, all right. I'll use the money to bail you out. Hurry, Moe. At 3:00, they're gonna put us in the exercise yard. The exercise yard!

All thanks to the new juice Loosener.

It's my lifelong dream. Your lifelong dream was to run out on the field during a baseball game, and you did it last year, remember? Oh, yeah.

I have to check with the manager. That overweight guy wants to see the movie. I'm terribly sorry, sir. I'm afraid our facilities are not equipped to meet your needs. What are you talking about? What I'm saying, sir, is that a man of your carriage... couldn't possibly fit in our seats. I could sit in the aisle.

I can't sing without dancing. Fine! Thrust, spin, turn. Pivot, pout, jiggy. Jiggy, robot, do-si-do. And close with a Matrix.

Well, I can't defend everything he does but let's face it. All Bart and Milhouse have is each other. They're too young for girls and they're a popular target for bullies and in the Christmas pageant, they're always sheep.

Oh, that. It's just a birthmark-- and I'll thank you not to stare. He's the Chosen One. You are the Chosen One... whom the sacred parchment prophesied would lead us to glory. Now to the top of Mount Springfield for the coronation.

I thought I'd follow him around for a day to see what makes him tick. Aw, that's sweet. I followed my dad to a lot of bars too. One beer, one chocolate milk. Excuse me, I have the chocolate milk. Oh. What's the matter, Homer?

Rod, Tod, this is God. How did you get on the radio? What do you mean? I created the universe, stupid kids. Forgive my brother. We believe you.

This elevator only goes to the basement. And someone made an awful mess down there.

Almost home. D'oh! Arr! Ain't I a stinker?

You're on the right track. Follow the names. How the hell do you know? I can't tell you who I am, but I worked on the campaign. Hey, Mr. Smithers! Well, you might as well give me a ride home now.

Sweet Lady Gumbo. Old... Swampy. I still don't understand, Clancy. Why give up your job as a small-town police chief... to set up a detective shop in New Orleans? Oh, lots of reasons, I suppose. Got kicked off the force for one thing. For massive corruption. For massive-- Exactly.

(GROANS) This potion will give me new life. (GRUNTS) I'm alive! I'm gonna go to America! I'll be in pictures! You'll see! The whole world is gonna know the name Simon Stoolowitz!

I wanna hold the baby. I wanna hold the baby. I'm sorry, Bart. You're too little. Here, Bart, you can hold my beer. Homer! What?

Folks, do you realize without your support, public television can't afford to bring you such award-winning shows as... Edward the Penitent? I'm really, really, really sorry. I'm afraid sorry doesn't cut it with this pope. Oh-ho.

Now, here's my "Everything's Okay" alarm. This will sound every three seconds... unless something isn't okay. Turn that off, Homer. It can't be turned off.

Who rigs every Oscar night We do We do Shh! Shut up!

Now let's go to Arnie Pie in the Sky. I can see them right below me. I'm gonna try to nail the driver with one of my shoes. Arnie, please leave this to the police. I'm sick of being a reporter. I want to make the news! Arnie, this is not the time! You're not the time, Kent! You're not the time!

- And your chest. - And your shirt! I have been working out secretly at night. And look at me now! Oh, my goodness gracious! Go ahead. Try and grab some flab. Go on! No. Not there. Not there either. Over here. I've got some.

D'oh! Hey, you goats get out of here!

I know. Can you believe it? Oh, Manjula's just gonna die! How did you find out? In my role as customer, I saw the whole thing. Oh, this is so awkward. Today's the day we play badminton with them. Oh, I hope no one makes any double entendres.

He's already dead! Got him, sir! I got his leg. Uh, Krusty the Clown, everybody. Please look at my MedicAlert bracelet.

Cartoon violence! Cartoon violence! Now I'm gonna find the real killers. Kids, that cartoon's not life-affirming. We're going to watch a show... about the everyday problems of angels. Now back to Good Heavens. Jesus called today. He did?

The devil is your brother?

Mrs. Simpson! What are you doing? I couldn't sleep knowing that window had a smudge on it. You're here to rest. If you want the window cleaned, just push the call button. Oh, I don't want to be a bother. Wouldn't bother us. It just turns up your morphine.

Gather the nectar, my little drones and make the honey-- honey for your children. Fools! Ready for that drink, sir? just a second. Let me introduce you to the gang. That's Buzz, that's Honey. And you see that queen? Her name is Smithers. That's very flattering, but we should go.

No time for you, old man.

But I cannot help you.

That will do. It's not my fault. It's the reed. Oh, yes, of course. It's the reed. Let's hear it for Lisa Simpson and her wacky sax. Yeah! Whoo! Must be her father. Whoo, yeah...

Then get married. What the hell do you want from me?

Hi. I'm Troy McClure. You may remember me from such medical films as Alice Doesn't Live Anymore... and Mommy, What's Wrong with that Man's Face?

Hello, Marge. This Saturday ? We're going to Stanley Peterson's wedding. Although the way he's going at her, you'd think they were already married. Hey, alley cats, save it for the honeymoon.

Let's say hello to my music guy, Scoey. That is some outfit, Scoey. It makes you look like a homosexual. Oh. Maybe you all are homosexuals too.

I won't destroy the future. Stupid bug! You go squish now! But that was just one little insignificant mosquito. That can't change the future, right? Right? I dunno.

You crumb bum! You looked me right in the eye and lied to me! Marge, this is the God's truth. I burned the mural. But I did not burn Skinner's car. I just saw you!

because we'll be revealing embarrassing secrets about Springfield's other adults. Well, at least they've already done me. - And we have plenty more on Homer Simpson. - D'oh!

just a little reminder-- if I find out you cut class, your ass is mine. Yes, you heard me. I think words I would never say. I know you can read my thoughts, boy. Meow meow meow meow Meow meow meow meow Meow meow meow meow Meow meow meow meow

I'm a small man in some ways, Bart. A small, petty man.

Simpson, what are you doing here? Why aren't you at work? I made a bad mistake and Lenny sent me home to think about what I did. But I don't remember what it was, so I'm watching TV. Well, Lenny's reign of terror is over. Mr. Burns bought the plant back this morning. And--

"you better burn a few other things. "You better burn your shirt and your pants. "Be sure to burn your TV and car. "Oh, yes, and don't forget to burn your house... "because none of those things could exist without six white stripes... seven red stripes and a hell of a lot of stars."

Nobody's gonNa tAke my Ned gonna teach him to have fun ooh, he's A FlanderS machine-- That sure was a fun trip to Las Vegas. Eh, too many kids. Ooh. It's goin' on 8:30.

has spilled over into the biggest trial in Springfield history. Behind these doors, a federal judge will ladle out steaming bowls... of rich, creamy justice in a case the media have dubbed... "Beat-up Waiter." This reporter suggested "Waitergate," but was shouted down at the press club.

Honey, this marriage is a partnership. When you fall, I pick you up. And when you can't finish a sandwich, I eat that sandwich.

I was sold to China for slave labor.

K-ZMB-- All-zombie radio.

Now you listen to me. I don't like you. I never liked you. And the only reason I gave you that stupid Valentine... is 'cause nobody else would! Watch this, Lise. You can actually pinpoint the second when his heart rips in half. And... now. Ohhh.

Of course, what Matt meant to say, according to his attorneys, is that he couldn't possibly do it alone, and he insisted that we make time to acknowledge the hard work of everyone... who makes The Simpsons possible.

I'll work harder than ever before... and show the world overweight people aren't undisciplined, lazy and irresponsible. What happened to my bird?

Slave Driver, put away the encouragement whip and break out the cruel whip. Heh! That's the new omni-lash, boys. just look at that snapback. Yeah, it's sweet.

Skinner said the teachers will crack any minute purple monkey dishwasher. Well, we'll show him, especially for that purple monkey dishwasher remark.

Hey, girls. Check out this president. I am not a butt! Bart, do you wanna play john Wilkes Booth or do you wanna act like a maniac? I'll be good.

I can't wait that long. You can't wait six months? No, tell me now. Well, okay. The meaning of life is--

Very well. Shall I show you to your room, or would you prefer... to be dragged off kicking and screaming? Ooh, kicking and screaming, please. As you wish. Noooooo!

What? "Failure to wait by vehicle." "$250"? YOu-- Oh! I'm gonna get that stupid-- Oh, no. It's gettin' dark. Well, that's it. I'm gettin' out of this town alive if it kills me!

The way people act around here, you'd think the streets were paved with gold. They are.

Homer, I got a really wicked idea that could get us into a lot of trouble. Oh! Mindy, we have to fight our temptation. No, Homer. Let's do it. Let's call room service! Oh.

- Up and atom. - Up and at them. Up and atom! Up and at them! - Up and atom! - Up and at them! Better.

Ohh, English side ruined! Must use French instructions! "Le grille"? What the hell is that?

Not the church! Jesus lives there! The frame store? You monster! Not the sky! That's where clouds are born!

You've ruined me! Oh, why didn't I see this coming? Hey, there's me. And there's you. You stupid, stupid man. I curse you! You will bring bad luck to everyone you love. Whatever.

(STUTTERS) Oopsie!

Right? I dunno.

Which, if true, means death for us all. And now, "Kent's People." Tonight's inspiring story is about Frank Grimes,

Please turn in your exam, Bart. Class is over. Uh, do you think you could grade it now, please ? Well, all right. Let me get Old Red. Mm-hmm. Well, well. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Well, Bart, it's a 59. That's another "F."

I still can't believe we escaped from those horrible vampires. But it was worth it to get back our Super Sugar Crisp cereal. Can't get enough of that Sugar Crisp I'm having a hard time seeing. Homer, did you remember to put the fog lights in? Guess I forgot to put the fog lights in I better pull over and play it safe.

As you can see, the real deal with Waylon Smithers... is that he's Mr. Burns's assistant. He's in his early 40s, is unmarried and currently resides in Springfield. Thanks for writing. We'll be right back.

No, thanks. I'm gonna keep on ridin' the rails... swappin' stories for sponge baths. I believe I told three stories. Oh! I'll meet you in Wilmington.

oh, say can you I'm askin', can you see-e-e-e-e-e by-y-y-y-y the dawn's...

International waters-- the land that law forgot.

Wow! The Spinemelter 2000. Give me full power. But, sir... Damn it! I said full power.

- Whoa-a-a-aaah ! - A-a-a-aaah ! Wh-o-o-o-a ! Bitchin' !

Eww ! Knock it off ! I guess you learned your lesson, so now I'll untie you. The second you untie me, I'm gonna beat you to death, man.

I don't expect anything from you except to die and be a very cheap funeral.

Extra gloves. Extra gloves. Mushroom bonus. Reload. How will we get Bart to take these? It's all about trust, honey. Ow! Knock it off! Homer, we agreed we'd discuss the medication with Bart.

Oh, nothing's ever gonna stop me. Uhh! Oh, no! There goes the glue after all.

What kind of show you got for us, Mr. Burns? Well, the ape's going to stand around for three hours or so.

Kids, kids. Once you get hurt, move aside and let other people jump. Homer, this is terrible. Okay. Okay. I'll take care of it. Hmm?

Mmm. That one. Someone's in here. No! No! No! Oh!

You robbed me of my manhood!

Homer, I don't think you should wear a short-sleeved shirt with a tie. Oh, but Sipowicz does it. If Detective Sipowicz jumped off a cliff, would you do that too? Oh, I wish I was Sipowicz.

I'm sorry, Homie. It's okay, Marge. I've learned my lesson. A mountain of sugar is too much for one man. It's clear now why God portions it out in those tiny packets, and why he lives on a plantation in Hawaii.

Moe, I need your advice. Yeah? See, I got this friend named Joey jo-jo junior Shabadoo. That's the worst name I ever heard.

called Ghostbusters.

Oh! That's amazing. Thank you. JJ f Orchestra: Fanfare f

- You're crazy. - Am I? Well, perhaps we're all a little crazy. I know I am.

I'd say that Les Wynan... ought to do more thinkin' and less whinin'. There's no Councilman Les Wynan. Good line though.

Not this time, you won't. This is your third strike. First, you torched that orphanage, then you blew up that bus full of nuns. Hey, that was self-defense. Well, you'll be seeing lots of nuns where you're going, pal-- Hell! Because the penalty for strike three is death.

I'm taking it to strange new places. Number eight. Number eight. Number eight. Number eight. Number eight.

Yeah, well, Scooby-Doo can doo-doo, but jimmy Carter is smarter.

Hmm. Who is that lavatory linksman, Smithers?

Ow! Can I go downstairs and see what Dad's doing? I wouldn't bother him, honey. He's making some kind of model for a contest. He says it's really high-tech stuff that we wouldn't understand.

Boy, show business is kind of cruel, isn't it?

I love our Tuesdays together, Dad.

The Simpsons D'oh! D'Oh!

Eh, sorry about my unenlightened brother. He will make the next few hours a living hell. Oh, I don't know. See this, Bart?

I must have spent our last $10 on this Al Gore doll. You are hearing me talk.

Perhaps this foghorn will answer your question. Enough! Get in the net. I don't wanna!

Hey, baby. Feel like getting lucky? I am lucky. I have a husband and three wonderful children. Thank you very much. Listen, baby. I always get what I want. I said no. Oh, did ya? Oh, I completely misunderstood. Please accept our apologies.

Now hold still. Nothing cracks a turtle like Leon Uris. Ow! Dang it! Ow!

Hmm. Am I wrong, or did it just get fatter in here? Request permission to slink by.

All right. I can't waste any more time. People's lives are depending on me. Mr. Sulu, make a left! Aye, aye, Captain. Setting course for Rigel Seven. I mean home.

(SIGHS) Now we have to find another school for you. And if you get kicked out of that one, you're going straight in the army where you'll be sent straight to America's latest military quagmire. Where will it be? North Korea, Iran? Anything's possible with Commander Cuckoo Bananas in charge!

Mom! Huh? What? Lisa, what's up? I just had a bad dream. Oh, sure. You just lie down and tell me all about it. Well, I know it's absurd, but I dreamed the bogeyman was after me, and he's hiding-- Bogeyman! You nail the windows shut. I'll get the gun.

Come on, guys. We can't play without Bart. He's the heart of this team. No, I'm not. I suck. It's true. He does. Yeah, he does. Don't listen to them, Son. I have total faith in you. You don't get it, do you? I don't want to be your stupid quarterback! I quit!

Now do "classical gas."

Escort these men out... now. Get your hands off me! Get off! I don't need your stinkin' show anyway! With a mug like this, I can get on any soap in Springfield. Hmph!

While I was at the courthouse, I had them change your name. To what? Chesty LaRue. Chesty LaRue? just try it for two weeks. If you're not completely satisfied, you can be Busty St. Clair. I don't want to be Chesty LaRue or Busty St. Claire. Fine. Hooty McBoob it is. Good night, Homer. Sleep tight, Hooty.

Who should appear but the unrequited love of my college years-- Mimsie Bankcroft. Of course by then, Mimsie had her share of wrinkles... and a gray hair or two, but my adoring eyes saw past those minor imperfections,

No one can outrun The Flash! Curses! One of my super foes has set a trap for me. Hey, Grampa's running! That's not Grampa. Dad's just dehydrated.

Come on. I'm a decent guy.

Test scores are at an all-time low, so I've come up with these academic alerts. You will receive one as soon as your grades start to slip in any subject. This way, your parents won't have to wait until report card time to punish you. How innovative. I like it.

Come along, Adil.

Knock that off, you two! It's time for church! We're not going to church today. What? You give me one good reason! It's Saturday! Okilly-dokilly-do! Hens love roosters geese love ganders everyone else loves Ned Flanders

If something goes wrong at the plant, blame the guy who can't speak English.

Good-bye, my Coney Isle-- Good-bye, my Coney Isle-- Good-bye my Coney Island babe Good-bye my Coney Island babe

Will you cease that infernal tootling ! I was just practicing. It's hard to discover your inner beauty while you're shouting at an eight-year-old girl. You've only got two days left, so shut up and paint ! Mmm !

And we visit with heavyweight champion Dredrick Tatum who reminisces about growing up in Springfield. It was a dump. If you see me there, you know I up bad.

And isn't that the best gift of all? But we would've had each other anyway. Yeah, plus lots of other stuff. Maybe so, but there's one thing they forgot to take away from us. This washcloth. Hey, that's my washcloth. The hell it is!

Well, my family wants to move back to Springfield. Let 'em go. You'll stay here with me. We'll go bowling. What's bothering 'em? Nothing big. It's just a lot of little things. Well, you can't argue with the little things. It's the little things that make up life. Homer, I'm disappointed, but I think you need to do what's best for your family.

Oh, my God! He's stealing all the burgers! Why, you little-- I got you! Ho-- Homer, it's-- it's all just an act. Stop! Stop! He's already dead! Got him, sir! I got his leg.

Gotta be a good husband. Gotta be a good husband. Gotta be a good husband. Hey, kid, you forgot your--

I suppose you're all wondering where I've been. It all started a week ago. I was at my desk, revising and updating the school dress code...

As soon as somebody lets me out of here. Oh. I'm so stupid.

Castellaneta, gone. Kavner, cut. Cartwright, cut. Smith, sorry. Cut. Azaria and Shearer, you're cut. Firestone, you're cut. So is judge. Namath, you stay. All of those people are cut.

My worm went in my mouth and then I ate it. Can I have a new one? No, Ralph. There aren't any more. just try to sleep while the other children are learning. Oh, boy! Sleep! That's where I'm a Viking. Lisa, what did I ever do to you-ou-ou?

Oh, come on. I'm sorry but we just can't afford it. Marge, make him stop. Oh! All right, all right, we'll find a way. Lousy, manipulative dog.

What are you cackling at, fatty? Too much pie. That's your problem.

Ehh, I could pull a better cartoon out of my a-- Hey! Whoa! Wasn't that great, kids?

Amen. Once there was a robot named Todd-- Did he have a brother? Yes, he had a brother robot named Rod, who was two space years older than him. I don't like this story!

He said "tried"!

we are the champions you got mud on your face big disgrace Whoop. Careful.

In Russia, stage is for performers only.

All right, stick it to the man.

Moe's Tavern. Hold on. I'll check. Uh, hey, everybody. I'm a stupid moron with an ugly face and a big butt... and my butt smells and I like to kiss my own butt.

People, stop, stop! We're not animals!

(SHOUTS) (DOOR SLAMS) You know how some people are chocoholics? Well, I'm an alcoholic.

I'm considerable hungry. We got any food left? Hmm. Looks like we're out of corn pone, fatback, hardtack, fat pone, "corntack." Any "tackback"? "Tackback"? - I mean "backtack." - Plumb out.

I know you feel bad about the juice incident,

Boo! Bring on Sha Na Na!

And with the score at the half Buffalo 14, Washington 7 it's time for the never-tedious Super Bowl halftime show.

Marge, I've wasted half my life. Sir, do you need a tow truck? What are you talking about, Marge? I don't need a-- Okay, send a truck. Oh. Hmm. Oh, honey. Don't eat that. Wouldn't you rather have your sugar bag? No, I don't deserve sugar.

Lisa, it's your birthday happy birthday, Lisa Hoo!

That's a salt-water croc, the largest reptile in the world! Oh, crikey! She's got me by the dangle-down! This naughty little Sheila can snap a man's ribcage like... (CRACKING) Like that! (SCREAMS) Hey, I'm watching that!

Homer, there's no point. I said do it! Hello, jerry? Homer Simpson. Remember last month when I paid back that loan? Well, now I need you to do a favor for me. A left-handed corkscrew? Oh, baby.

just stay the hell away from my family!

You're playing in grease? Yarg! - Oh, act your age. - Oh! You are so dead.

I got you a new washer and dryer and sold the old ones for 50 bucks.

and Man vs. Nature-- The Road to Victory. In all the animal kingdom, no mother is more devoted than the blue jay. Valuing her eggs above even her own life, the mother bird bravely fights off such fearsome predators as the badger and the mongoose.

Prove it, Bony Curtis. When the errant bill struck my chest, it left a distinctive bruise. Had my heart been inside at the time, it could've been fatal. BART: It's a perfect match! Yoink! (SCOFFS) Without that bill, this ain't a museum.

Whoa ! You certainly have a lot of bowling trophies.

Hey, you! Where'd you get that saxophone? Sears. Get him! I got him! I got him!

Ooh! Can I have a brownie? They're for after dinner. Ooh! Can I have dinner? You can't have a brownie, period. Homer wants a brownie. I'm gonna get one. No. Coming in from the left. Stop it. Or is it the right? Look out for the reach-around! Homer!

This can't be right. This man has 104% body fat. Hey, no eating in the tank. Go to hell. How was your day at work, dear? Oh, the usual-- stand in front of this. Open that. Pull down this. Bend over. Spread apart that. Turn your head that way. Cough. Sir, I'm afraid Homer Simpson is sterile.

Hello. I'm retired heavyweight boxer Gerry Cooney. Welcome to Mr. Burns's Casino. If there's anything I can do to make your visit more enjoyable, please let me know.

Can't you stop it, Dad? I'm trying my best. The lever you have pulled-- brakes-- is not in service. Please make a note of it.

If you really love Larry, prove it, and you can have him back today. Whoa! How much proof do you need? Five thousand, six thousand? I swear, that's all I've got. Don't you care about your son? This is more important than money. More important than money? Who is this?

Aww! So that's what's been wrong with the little fella. He misses casual sex. Can we keep Santa's girlfriend, Mom?

- Krusty, are you making any money? - Nah. That guy's giving it away for free. The old gray mare she ain't what she used to be ain't what she used to be ain't what she used to be

(BEEPING) Oh. (READING)

He left his briefcase. Hey! It's full of shredded newspapers. Well, I guess that's it.

Oh, no. You can't do heart surgery in the dark! Sounds like a wager to me. I'll take a piece of that. I will now transport Sir Isaac Newton into the modern day. Warning! Power failure! Oh! Oh! Sweet glayvin! Oh, good God! Hey, wait, wait, wait! Ow! Oh! Oh!

Don't like to nap, eh? We have a place for babies like you-- the box!

I think you and I might just win this tournament dealie.

- Thanks for coming. - I please to aim. I'm so happy. I just had to tell someone. I have a boyfriend.

Skinner! Ah. No day would be completely wasted without a visit... to the old joke shop.

"Feelin' fine."

Must crush capitalism. Children, i'll be frank. In the event of nuclear war, we can only save our best and brightest. Therefore, space in the fallout shelter will be reserved for...

You're my best friend. Thanks, Krusty. Buy my cereal. Buy my cereal. I didn't do it ! Oh, I wish I could believe you.

No wonder she hates me. Oh, I never even noticed she was alive. If you want to make up with Lisa spend some time with her.

But there's lots of other fun instruments, like bass. I hope you wont judge the entire Brian Setzer Orchestra by my actions. Rock and roll is supposed to be about peace and love. - Who said that? - Will you stop saying that? - Simpson! - S h h _

Bart! Our cartoon's on TV! All right! Turn up the volume! Erosion is a slow but steady process. Ah, this show ain't no good. Hee-yah!

I found a moon rock in my nose.

Help! You want excitement? Shove this up your stocking! Ooh-hoo-whoa!

Has he been fired? No. Has he been disciplined? No, no. Aw, everybody makes mistakes. That's why they put erasers on pencils. Yeah, Homer's okay. Give him a break. No! Homer is not okay-- And I want everyone in this plant to realize it. I would die a happy man if I could prove to you... that Homer Simpson has the intelligence of a six-year-old.

Um-- Oh, excuse me. Could you tell me where I might find the Burns O's? Sorry, pops. They don't put nobodies on cereal boxes. Hmm. Well, I suppose this one looks a bit like me.

This is way better than camp. No mosquitoes, no stupid camp songs. If you're happy and you know it shop at Stan's Giant discounts on your favorite major brands Attention, shoppers. The mall is now closed.

Oh. Sorry. Marge? Vote Quimby.

You know, Milhouse, you are getting a little doughy. Ah, can't I just have the surgery?

Ahh, it got boring. I'm really into this cup and ball now. Whoa! Wow! Man, you never know which way this crazy ball's gonna go! Yeah, right. You're just trying to trick me, 'cause you don't want me playing with your video game. Here, go ahead. - No. Let me try the cup and ball. - Get your own!

Looks like he took a pretty bad spill. Well, as long as he's hurt.

In this department, we go by the book. Bye, book.

Sugar do-do-do-do do-do aw, honey, honey do-do-do-do do-do You are my caNdy-- Lousy piece of junk!

Get back here, boy. You're a disgrace to this family, and its proud naval tradition. Well, I'm keeping this earring, and you can't stop me! Oh. I always thought Lisa would be the one to get her ears pierced. Can I? No! Time to reap the benefits of bein' cool.

What do you want? I got a job for thee. Bring forth all the cookies from your kitchen and leave them on the Simpsons' porch. But those belong to our parents. Look, do you want a happy God or a vengeful God? Happy God. Then quit flapping your lip. Yes, sir. Yes, sir.

Ooh-- Welcome aboard!

- Krusty, are you making any money? - Nah. That guy's giving it away for free. The old gray mare she ain't what she used to be ain't what she used to be ain't what she used to be

It's the bimonthly Springfield sci-fi convention. That's right. It's Bi-Mon-Sci-Fi-Con. Come meet all your favorite stars: Mark Hamill, Alf, and many more. Plus tag team robot wrestling.

Next weekend, we're having our annual war games. Now, Simpson, because of your many years as a nuclear technician, we're putting you on a nuclear sub. "NUC-u-lar"! It's pronounced, "nuc-u-lar." Oh, whatever. "NUC-u-lar."

Under the sea Under the sea There'll be no accusations Just friendly crustaceans Under the sea

Give them the plant, Homer! No. I'd rather die! Aah! Take it! Well, what a lovely gift. Gotta run. So, Mindy, how did you want to pay me the 150 million?

Give me a hundred lotto tickets, Apu, because Mr. X is on a roll. Stop it, Apu. You're scaring me. Aah! Aah! What's going on?

Hey, fatty! I got a movie for ya. A Fridge Too Far.

Where's Santa's Little Helper? Who? Um, I took him to a kennel two towns over just till the new dog gets settled. We wrecked the first dog. We've gotta treat this one right. Bart, why don't you take Laddie for another walk? No. Bart had his turn. Let me!

He's not a drifter, Mom. That's Mr. Burns's son, Larry. He's great at pointing out everyone's foibles. Hey! How you doing? Ooh, look at your hair. What happened? You saw yourself in a mirror?

Finish the job.

Yes. And you call them steamed hams despite the fact that they are obviously grilled. Ye-- You know, the-- One thing I should-- - Excuse me for one second. - Of course.

You may ask me three questions. That's great, because all I need is one. Are you really the head of the Kwik-E-Mart? Yes. Really? Yes. You? Yes. I hope this has been enlightening for you. But I must-- Thank you. Come again. But-- Thank you. Come again.

No! As your babysitter, I order you to stop hitting your head on the wall! Bart? Did you stop because I said to? If so, thank you.

There you-- D'oh! - just a second. Oh, that should-- D'oh! - Hello. I'm Marge Simpson, and this is my husband, Homer. Oh, nice to meet you, Marge. I saw your hair from the plane. And you must be the man who didn't know if he had a pimple or a boil. It was a gummi bear.

"Hello, Mr.-- Kurns. I bad want... money now. Me sick."

Okay, everybody tuck your pants into your socks. And the bold new ideas these tiny tykes unveil for us today... could make thousands of jobs like yours... obsolete.

Ohh! Sounds like another Pulitzer for me to polish. Hush, field trip boy! Impaled on my Nobel Peace Prize. How ironic.

Cheer up, Homer. ts only rock-and-roll camp.

What about the headlines ? Well, the press might be critical of you... for firing the crippled boy's father so soon after the accident. Well, all right, then. I don't want to seem like an ogre. I'll bide my time. Let him twist in the wind... slowly, slowly.

Uh-huh. The shower.

Yeah. But I'm a cop first, then a boat enthusiast, amateur historian, yo-yo dieter, then I'm a cop again... LISA: Help! Help! So much sulfur dioxide! I'm coming, sweetheart!

Herschel Pinchas Yoracham Krustofski. Good, good. Circumcision? And then some! (CHUCKLES) Date of Bar Mitzvah? Well, I, uh... You see, the truth is... I never had one. No Bar Mitzvah? In the eyes of God and the Springfield Jewish Walk of Fame Committee, you are not a Jewish man!

CloSed-captioned By Captions, Inc. Los Angeles

Well, that dream is over. At least we still have each other. Right, honey? Honey? God!

Kill him! Kill him!

Whoever you are, I have always depended... on the kindness of strangers. You can always depend on the kindness of strangers To buck up your spirits and shield you from dangers

I'm looking for...

Ha-hal Baby Stink Breath! It was worth it.

Looks like we're in trouble, Fallout Boy. Jiminy jillickers, Radioactive Man! We'll have to fight our way out. Are you ready? Yes. Seamless, huh? You're fired. And with good cause.

Did you get a load of "Corpsey" the Clown? That guy cheapens our whole profession. What do you think of him, Internet Comic?

Oh, all these new superheroes suck. None of them could hold a candle to Radioactive Man.

That's better. Now, about your punishment, young man. I know. I'll go to my room and think about what I did. Oh, no, your room is full of toys. You're going to the, uh, garage. You're the boss. I tell you, Chief. I just don't know what we're going to do with him.

Oh. Oh! I can't see. Aah! Run! Mr. Burns will kill us all! Wait. Don't go. Love me!

Once we collect enough money for fuel, our leader will throw open the doors of the forbidden barn,

Think warm thoughts, boy, 'cause this is mighty cold.

It's an emergency. If it's an emergency, then. We understand some drains in your area have been malfunctioning, sucking in people and whatnot. - Willikers! That's awful! - Indeed.

When you're down and troubled And you need a helping hand and nothing oh, nothing is going right

When I grow up, I'm going to Bovine University.

Oh, could you make sure not to scrape my asphalt. Kiss my asphalt.

Then when it comes, you don't know what to say. Shh. Edna, your tears say more than words ever could. Military school? You lied to me! Well, I'm sorry if you heard Disneyland, but I distinctly said military school.

Ahh! Hah! And to ensure your immortality your heroic visage will be added to our wall of fame. Oh, and what's this? A congratulatory phone call from Earvin "Magic" johnson? Magic johnson?!

Mm, let's see. Yeah, yeah.

The cash register says, "N.R.A.4ever." just one of the hundreds of radical, right-wing messages...

Welcome back to the final day of this-- the 23rd Olympiad, brought to you by Krusty Burger. You people are pigs! I personally am gonna spit in every 50th burger. I like those odds. In a moment,

Money gets you one more round Drink it down you stupid clown Money gets you one more round Or you're out on your ass Whoa! Ah, my back! Hans Moleman Productions presents... Man Getting Hit by Football.

Don't be a naughty baby Come to Papa come to Papa do My sweet embraceable you

- Are we there yet? - No. Are we there yet? No. - Are we there yet? - No.

Now, folks, nothing spells fun... like rhinestones on a dungaree jacket. Stu, you should buy that. Hey. Disco Stu doesn't advertise.

Try to guess which one. I think you'll be pleasantly surprised. Everyone outside of this room is against me! I can hear you walking by-- It stinks! It stinks! It stinks! Yes, Mr. Sherman. Everything stinks.

Oh, my God! He is like some sort of... non-giving up... school guy.

Ooh, glove Baby, that's where it's at Yeah Glove, baby Give it a slap Glove slap i don't take crap

Usurper! Usurper! Usurper! Don't mess with me! I've got jimmies! I can only see a horrible rainbow! Shut up, Becky!

In your face, jasper johns! Huh?

If this is anyone but Steve Allen, you're stealing my bit.

Mr. Starr, tea and crumpets. just set it over there. Sir, if you'll forgive an old Brit his impertinence, your devotion to your fans is nothing short of remarkable. Well, Wetherby, they took the time to write me, and I don't care if it takes me another 20 years-- I'm going to answer every one of them. Hello ! What's this ?

Damn! That town's got too much spirit. Looks like we'll have to steal some other baseball team. See what Dallas wants for the Cowboys. Uh, that's a football team, sir. They'll play what I tell 'em to play... for I am the mayor of Albuquerque!

Earlier this year, Homer's long-lost mother returned, and so did a long-lost care package.

It just reinforces the unspoken class system... of... horses... sitting on their high... horses-- I'm sorry! I gotta go!

Uh, sure. Sure. Here you go. DÜff, from Sweden.

Please pass your father the syrup, Lisa. Bart, tell Dad I'll only pass the syrup if it won't be used on any meat product. You dunking your sausages in that syrup, homeboy? Marge, tell Bart I just want to drink a nice glass of syrup like I do every morning.

Oh, everything's cruel according to you. Keeping him chained up in the backyard is cruel. Pulling on his tail is cruel. Yelling in his ears is cruel. Everything is cruel. So excuse me if I'm cruel!

After all, what civilized person would play a game with the skin of an innocent pig?

You know, Marge, getting old is a terrible thing. I think the saddest day of my life was when I realized I could beat my dad at most things. And Bart experienced that at the age of four.

Hmm. (GIGGLES) I just wanted to see what it was like. (IN SOUTHERN ACCENT) Howdy, y'all. If you don't like my song, I'll spray you with ink! (CHUCKLING)

Oh, everything's stolen nowadays. Why, the fax machine is nothing but a waffle iron with a phone attached.

Hello. Hello? Bad dog!

than boys, and when--

We're the performers you thought were dead Like Bonnie Franklin and Adrian Zmed Branson's the place we can always be found They took Nick at Nite and made it a town

then made the move to Intercourse, Pennsylvania.

ANNOUNCER: The Super Bowl Half-time Show. From its humble origins in Super Bowl I... (TUBA PLAYING) ...to the marriage of Pac-Man and Ms. Pac-Man in Super Bowl XVI. I now pronounce you Pac-Man and wife.

And this is for the United States of America!

Oh, we don't assemble them here. That's done in Flint, Michigan.

Oh. Like how we built that snowman together in that Newport ad? Remember how "alive with pleasure" they said we were?

Hey! The incision in the coronary artery... must be made below the blockage! Below! Thanks, little girl!

Oh, I have had it! I have had it with this school, Skinner! The low test scores, class after class of ugly, ugly children! Oh, now I really think the children's appearance-- Seymour, you are in very, very big trouble.

Oh, well, it all happened in 1990. Back then, The Artist Formerly Known as Prince was currently known as Prince. Tracey Ullman was entertaining America... with songs, sketches and crudely drawn filler material. And Bart was eagerly awaiting his first day of school.

Ohh! Stop clapping! Whoa! Go, Lisa! Come on, everybody. Give it up for my little girl.

and I don't care if it takes me another 20 years-- I'm going to answer every one of them. Hello ! What's this ? From Springfield, U.S.A. ? Gear !

What do you suppose the rent is on a hideout like that? Ah, it's not rented, Chief. It's stolen. That's the Louisiana Governor's Mansion. It's been missing for eight months.

Ah! Let me in! Someone's trying to kill me! Sweet merciful McGillicutty! You gotta open the door! Who is it? It's Grampa.

I'm going to enjoy devouring you, Bart Simpson. Yes. I believe I'll start, as you've so often suggested, by eating your shorts.

Why isn't our low-protein gruel wearing down his resistance like all the others? It doesn't wear down your resistance if you eat a month's supply. He even ate mine. You gonna finish that, bony? Oh, "griven"-- Let's try the chant. Everyone loves a droning, repetitive chant.

opens a box of flesh-eating ants, and the rest writes itself. Ah, this show ain't no good.

What are you doing? That's our dad's seat. Hey, that's great. Listen, I need a new doubles partner. My little girl's a lead weight. You're dumping your own daughter? Yeah, but only to crush my wife and son. That's horrible! Yeah, that's pretty low. - Hmm. You seem less disgusted. Let's go. - Aaah!

Mmm! Mmm! Mmm! Stop it! Stop it! Let go of my hand! D'oh! Why couldn't I be on one of the smart rafts? I bet they're having the time of their life.

Dear Sally, in response to your letter of December 12, 1966, me favorite color is blue and me real first name is Richard. Thanks for the snapshot. You're a real cute bird. Love, Ringo. P.S. Forgive the lateness of my reply. Mr. Starr, tea and crumpets. just set it over there.

I love happy endings.

How about real lead in the radiation shields? Urinal cakes, maybe? Smithers, throw this at him. Smithers, where does that tube go? I'm not sure, sir. It was here when we moved in.

Oh, but, Bart, don't you remember the boredom, the ennui, the intellectual malaise ? Yeah, well, you know, kinda, um, but I was thinking I could go undercover. Undercover ? Bart, I'm intrigued. Go on.

Simpson scandal update. Homer sleeps nude in an oxygen tent... which he believes gives him sexual powers. Hey, that's a half-truth.

I can't believe it. Jerry Springer didn't solve our conflict. And now he's dead. Anyhoo, this is your last chance. Turn over the baby now. Or we will destroy all your leaders in Washington. Oh, you couldn't destroy every politician.

No! It's a new drug called Focusyn. A drug? I know Bart can be rambunctious, but he's not some hyperactive monster. Gimme an "F"! Good Lord! Gimme an "art"! He's gotten into the pep closet. What's that spell? I'd say he's coming out of the pep closet.

Yes? Hello. May I help you? Uh, could you give me a little push in the opposite direction?

All right, Bob. It's over! Come out with your hands up! No! How did they find me?

Smithers, it's out of control. I'll take him out, sir. Shake, shake, shake shake, shake, shake Shake, shake, shake His ass is gonna blow!

I... hate... you, Walt... freakin'... Whitman! Leaves of Grass my ass!

"What are you looking at?" The innocent words of a drunken child. Well, I'll tell you what we're looking at, young man. A town gone mad! A town whose very conscience was washed away in a tide of beer and green vomit. I'm going down to Moe's for a couple beers. I'll come with you. No! No more drinking.

Oh, quit showing off, Seymour. I'll get it.

- So, uh, you're from Russia, huh? - Da. You drunk yet? Da. Poland, eh? Too easy. How ya doin', Germany? Here's my impression of an East German woman. "Kees" me, or I'll crush you.

Is it true you attempted suicide when you heard the news? Are you and Princess Di just friends? You people make me sick! You're vultures! Where were you when I sang at Farm Aid? Out of my way, you parasites! I said, out of my way! I'm no fake. I'm the real Krusty.

I am Ganesh, your god. Oh, I am truly screwed. I order you to get back together-- or I'll suck your blood! - Bleh! Bleh! - Bart, stick to the script. Don't be a jerk. You're the jerk. You're the jerk!

First of all my real name isn't Krusty the Clown. It's Herschel Krustofski. My father was a rabbi. His father was a rabbi. His father's father... Well, you get the idea. My father was the most respected man in the lower East Side of Springfield.

Shh! Worst episode ever.

Springfield Gorge ?

Sorry, the position has been filled. Oh, dear.

Homer, I'm afraid you'll have to undergo a coronary bypass operation.

Sounds like somebody's living in the past. Contemporize, man!

Houston, we have a problem. This place is dullsville. Da. How can you get a buzz chewing freeze-dried beer? - Wha-- - Huh? It's Suds McDuff! With a shuttle craft of genuine draft! Whoo-ha!

Friends, art lovers, security personnel, today is a red-letter day for the Springfield Palace of Fine Arts. A new wing for our museum-- oh, and a portrait commemorating the man who ponied up the dough.

You're all sick!

Drinking has ruined my life. I'm 31 years old.

One, ha-ya-yah.

Too many wee ones! This gets uglier every year. Any sign of Bart and Milhouse? No. And if they don't get here soon, it'll be T.S. for them. I don't feel right. Do you hear that, Bart?

We've wiped out entire species before! We can do it again! Oh, help!

Why, that's my husband ! His name isn't Bigfoot. His name is Homer. What does it eat ? I don't understand. What's this all about ?

19-- 1939? Oh, my God! I've gone back in time! I've got to warn everybody about Hitler! And get to the ice-cream store! Hey, Homer, what's all the hubbub? Let me guess. You travel back in time again? Shut up! You haven't even been born yet! Easy, Homer. I'll bring you back.

Geez. So many dolphins.

Oh, relax, Bart. Your sister Maggie isn't scared. That's because she can't talk. Daddily-doodily. Where are we going? Where are we going?

Hey, I'm trying to eat lunch here.

- I shot him. - Well, that's a-- What? Now I'm goin' down to Emmett's fix-it shop-- to fix Emmett.

Aw, geez! Homer, get ready! Patty and Selma will be here any minute! Oh, no! Better ride this one out in the closet. Sorry, Dad. This is our spot.

Hands across America... Well, I never thought I'd see it.

Now, the next event in our living room Olympics-- the controversial couch vault. I do this for Stainmaster carpets proud sponsor of the living room Olympics.

I'm really, really, really sorry. I'm afraid sorry doesn't cut it with this pope. Oh-ho.

Your whole life you never said one nice thing to me. That's 'cause you're a screwup! You're the screwup! Why, you little-- All right! All right! That's it! We're goin' home. I'm sick of you and your stupid tonic! If I hadn't taken that stupid tonic 38 years ago,

The hippie fantasy again? They're getting less frequent, sir. Excellent. Well, there's no easy way to say this. The new administration is shutting down Project Boy Band. Shutting it down? Permission to say "that's crazy," sir? You won't say it's crazy when you see next week's issue of Mad magazine.

And there's that awful script from The Cable Guy. Lemme see. Stupid script! Nearly wrecked jim Carrey's career! YOu-- I'm gonna-- What?

Homer, what's with you? You're talking during a coffee break. Yeah. Usually you just take the box of doughnuts into the bathroom. Mindy has a motorcycle.

I won't be coming in tomorrow. Religious holiday.

But look-- I got some cool pogs. Alf pogs! Remember Alf? He's back, in pog form! You traded my soul for pogs? No! Close that door! You're letting the heat out! Shut up, shut up, shut up!

Not me. What's the matter with you guys? Last year we were two and 28. It wasn't our best season. Actually, it was. This year it's gonna be different. What makes you so damn sure? I have a secret weapon. Hey, he's been holding out on us, huh? A secret weapon?

The unsold copies of Dad's autobiography. Oh, my God, Bart. Look!

Principal Seymour Skinner. Apu Nahasapeemapetilon. Eh, never fit on a marquis, luv. From now on your name is Apu de BeaumarchÉ. It is a great dishonor to my ancestors and my god, but okay. The next day, we started auditioning for Chief Wiggum's replacement.

These are the people who saw an overcrowded marketplace and said, "Me too."

Now I'd like to introduce... a new feature never before seen on TV-- "Dumb Pet Tricks." Oh, boy. Here's a dog that's been trained to catch this red rubber ball. Oh! Somebody shoot it. Somebody shoot it. These specials get worse every year.

The governmerts found out you dumped nuclear waste under Lego Land. Oh, Smithers, the environmental effects wont be visible for years.

But at night, they take on a life of their own. They become portals to hell... so scary and horrible and gruesome that-- Bart, you should warn people this episode is very frightening. Maybe they'd rather listen to that old War of the Worlds broadcast on N.P.R., hmm? - Yes, Mother. - Good.

Whoops. Whoops. Whoops.

All right! The mummy's ready for his mystical journey! Aaah! What's happening?

Oh, there's nothing more exciting than science. You get all the fun of sitting still, being quiet, writing down numbers, paying attention. Science has it all.

Looks like you called me just in time. This home isn't secure at all. What did I tell you, Marge? Intruders could come in down the chimney, through the mail slot, even hidden in your groceries. Did you change the locks when you moved in? I thought not.

What about Coach Fortner? Glug, glug, glug, glug... Wow. What about groundskeeper Willy? Ugh! I won't even tell you what that guy's into. Bart, you are the closest thing to a man my life and that's so depressing I think I'm to cry.

Worst episode ever. Oh, not even close.

including one shortcut those Wall Street fat cats don't want you to know. Oh, here we go with the fat-cat bashing. Well, what do you expect? These yokels are pure Baltic Avenue. Uh-oh! I'm late for the Short Line Railroad.

(CELL PHONE RINGS) Hello? Chloe, forget about the Women's Conference. I need you to get over to Mount Springfield! It's about to erupt. Don't we have a reporter who specializes in natural disasters? Yeah. He's busy covering Julia Roberts' last haircut. (CHUCKLES) But seriously, he's dead. Now, get going.

Kaboom! Blam! Oh, excuse me again, dear. Homer, there's no point in pretending you're making those noises. Your homemade liquor is exploding again. What, dear? Kablamo! You made some money and had the fun of being a wanted criminal.

Put away your books, children. It's time for your English test. Sick, on test day. Why? Why?

I hardly think it's fair to be charged full price. I'm up to my knees in the original cast of mash. Sunshine on my shoulders MAkeS me Happy

Pull! Missed one, Dad. See you in hell, dinner plate.

Yeah, I'm talkin' to you! You trash-eatin' stink bags! Uh-oh. What did you call us? I don't know. A lot of people were yelling stuff. Yeah, you called us "trash-eating stink bags." Didn't you learn anything from Love Day? That was yesterday, moron.

Come on! Fit, you! Huh? Ahh! Yeah, that's one fine-looking barbecue pit. Why doesn't mine look like that? Why? Why?

Why don't people like me, Marge? Everyone likes you. You're a wonderful person. Why don't those stupid idiots let me in their crappy club for jerks?

Yabba-dabba-doo! Simpson, Homer Simpson He's the greatest guy in history

The school's on strike! Maybe forever! Oh, overload. Pleasure overload. Luckily, I'm prepared for this, so I'm not too worried. Sit up straight. Eyes forward. No talking. Is that gum?

Oh, what's to tell? I was at the orphanage till I was 18. Then I got my job at the souvenir stand. Oh, and once I saw a blimp.

Lucy! You hit her pretty hard there, Rick. Say, folks, what's all the ruckus? john Wayne?

And if you give it to 'em, you'll get plenty back in return. Like what? I'll tell you when you're older.

Welcome to the Knowledgeum. i'm Troy McClure. You may remember me from such automated information kiosks... as "Welcome to Springfield Airport" and "Where's Nordstrom?" While you're enjoying our Hall of Wonders, your car will, unfortunately, be subject to repeated break-ins--

I am evil Homer I am evil Homer.

May I see it? No.

Marge ! Don't worry. My daughter's very bright,

Oh, dear. If we can't find a baby-sitter, we can't go. What a kick in the teeth. What do you need a baby-sitter for ? I'm almost ten and a half. Mom, you wouldn't dare. Don't take that tone with me, young lady, or I'll give you a taste of the back of me hand. No, you don't.

Yet in the very next scene, my dear, you're clearly atop a winged Arabian. Please to explain it. Ah. Yeah. Well, whenever you notice something like that, a wizard did it. I see. All right. Yes. But in Episode AG4-- Wizard. Ah, for glavin out loud.

Extra, extra! Ripper strikes in Whitechapel. Boy for sale. Boy for sale. Is this legal, man? Only here and in Mississippi.

Yeah, that's showing him, Barney. Pitt, the Elder. Lord Palmerston!

I don't want to lose Edna, so I need you to sabotage her chances of winning tonight. But I don't want to hurt Mrs. K. All right, Bart, I didn't want to resort to this, but... this drawing was found on the wall of Springfield Elementary late last week. All right, I'm in. I'll humiliate the love of your life.

It just does. Name me one gay Indian. Uh-oh. Something's gonna die. Butt out, buttinsky. What would you know about hunting? I know this much. I wouldn't wear that hideous hat. Here. Take this one. It was worn by Yale Summers in Daktari. Hang on to it, toy boy. You might need it... when it starts raining naked ladies.

Paid me off? What, are you crazy? Mmm. Mmm. So we'll never see our children again? Well, they might give Dazzle back. The buzz is she's got one more show to turn it around. Well, if the police won't help us, we'll simply have to take the law into our own hands.

The ice-cream man. You gotta let me in your car and drive me-- Take anything you want, man! Take it all!

Nope. It couldn't be simpler. Kids write down what they want, put their money in the can, and I take the bus to the supermarket and bring the snacks the next day. Huh? (GROANS) Is that a yes? Kids want a snack that skateboards,

Yeah, pig. Yeah. Oink, oink, oink. You'll make a mistake someday. And then you're going straight to juvie! You can lock us away, but you'll never defeat the Cobras. Cobras? I thought you were the Hell's Satans.

If you said, "Bleeding Gums" Murphy and Dr. Marvin Monroe, you are wrong-- they were never popular.

Oh, this movie's too complicated.

I have to go now. My planet needs me.

Mr. Leonard, how do you get in a movie? Ha! Classic Hollywood story. The director saw my photo in a medical book.

Dad, this doesn't have your name on it. Kids, would you step outside for a second? F-- Dear Lord! That's the loudest profanity I've ever heard.

Eastern Airlines presents The World of Tomorrow! Don't walk, fly... in your personal Eastern Airlines Air Buggy. And say good-bye to the cola wars. The victor-- Eastern Airlines Cola.

Me and you have done stuff together. You've helped me out with things, and we're closer than we've ever been. I love you, Dad. And I think if something can bring us that close, it can't possibly be bad.

And math. And the words to every Monty Python routine. We are the knights who say "Ni!" Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni.

Oh, that's just what I need. Another piranha in the tank.

No, but his career is. I remember when Al jolson ran amok at the Winter Garden and climbed the Chrysler Building. After that, he couldn't get arrested in this town.

Hmm. - I want a job. - You've got it. Ooh, ooh. Ow! I quit.

Could you please give me a ride to the airport? Well, hey, hey! You're Mel Brooks! Sure. I'll give you a ride! Thank you. On the way we can do that $2,000 man thing. You be Carl Reiner, and I'll be Police Chief Wiggum. Listen. Why don't you play Carl Reiner and let me play Police Chief Wiggum?

We have only 20 minutes left. Send in the esteemed representatives of television. Hey, hey! Now, this is my kind of meeting! Gentlemen, it's time we face up to the un-face-up-to-able.

Did you-- Huh! Did you believe that? I mean, the way I gave you the change? Did I sound like a real Kwik-E-Mart, you know, kinda guy? Actually, I thought it was a little labored. Oh. You gotta lose yourself in the moment, man. Yeah. Like-- Yeah! Okay. Great. Okay. Let-Let's just try that again. Okay? Come on.

Hey, kids, it's time for Itchy and Scratchy ! They fight, they bite They bite and fight and bite Fight, fight, fight Bite, bite, bite the Itchy and Scratchy Show

Mmm! To the Puck-mobile. Ha! Go, go, go!

Good? They taste like burning. Okay. Food patrol blew it. Yeah? Well, your tree house looks kinda crummy too. Kinda really crummy. Well, when monsoon season comes, you'll be glad it's there.

Raise a family, and do it now. Now! Now! Now! Hey, a grandfather clock. Not bad.

Mmm. More testicles mean more iron.

No. Mom, Bart and some kids ran off to wage war on Shelbyville! Homer, come quick! Bart's quit his tutoring job and joined a violence gang!

He's about to hit a chestnut tree

(CLICKING) (GRUNTING) (ALL LAUGHING) Now to send this spaz around the world. (CLICKING) (LAUGHING IN FRENCH ACCENT)

Yeah, but I wasn't in it. just before I hit the mountain, I jumped out of the plane... into a carefully placed net. Now that we've blown your cover, I guess you gotta come back and do your show again.

Hey! This is a Flintstones Fun Map. Look, Dad wrote something.

Hey, sister, just give me a chance to get next to you. Hey-y-y! Hey, my threads, baby.

J; You, play the "cell-ee"l You, sing a song about cattle rustling. And you, sing one about, uh, robbing banks! J Calf’s in the field so you sneak up slow; J Grab 'im by the tail and go, man, go;

hot dogs. No, I can't!

Oh, no. That's Maggie's mix tape! Then Maggie must’ve gotten- f Man f w' Sex bomb, sex bomb w' w' You 're m y sex bomb w' w' And, baby, you can turn me on my f Laughing f

Hey, Milhouse, knock him down if he's in your way! Jimbo! Jimbo! Go for the face! Look! Ralph Wiggum lost his shin guard! Hack the bone! Hack the bone!

No, no. You've been nominated for an award. You're so good, I fired the other writers. From now on, the fate of the entire company rests on that delightful coconut of yours. Oh, no! We're all doomed! I'm a complete fraud! Huh? Sorry? I didn't catch any of that. And now I gotta go.

I think it's ironic that Dad saved the day... while a slimmer man would have fallen to his death. And I think it's ironic that, for once, Dad's butt... prevented the release of toxic gas-- Bart!

Homer, I want you to look at this drawing Bart did. Oh, it's beautiful! Oh! Oh, let's put Bart's beautiful drawing up on the fridge. Homer, stop. Would you please look at the drawing? Oh, all right. What a-- Burn it! Send it to hell! I think we're going to have to get Bart some help.

I don't think you realize what you're saying. Baboon ! Whoa ! Somebody was bound to say it one day. I just can't believe it was her. Did you hear that, Marge ? She called me a baboon ! The stupidest, ugliest, smelliest ape of them all !

An anonymous tipster alerted Uncle Sam... that the Simpsons were evading their income taxes.

Uh, it looks so complicated. Do you know how? Ma'am, I wouldn't honk the honk if I couldn't tonk the tonk. Whoo, whoo! Hmm. A bland, timid entry,

I'd love to. Oh, my show's on. Mind if we watch a little? I guess. ANNOUNCER: The Talbot Report with Chloe Talbot. Tonight Chloe interviews Bob Dylan. So, Bob, what religion are you converting to now? Hey, I'll tell you one thing...

What's the matter? Think I'm not hip? I don't have enough vo-dee-o-do?

Why, " my best friend- f Homer's Voice] Maggie. Huh? - Bad news, Sheriff- - f Homer's Voice f Lisa Simpson. - Some Indians took all the- - f Homer's Voice] McNuggets. Mmm, McNuggets. f Sia vering f

I learned how many drams in a pennyweight. I got expelled. That's my boy. Mmm, beer. What? Look, Dad, I don't need school. I'll make my way as a bootblack. Shine your boots, guv'nor?

That's a pretty name. You think so?

Bart, you know Tony Hawk?

Oh, no. We didn't! Well, we almost didn't. But you wouldn't take "I can't" for an answer. You want to give Honest Abe another term in the Oval Office? No! Oh, thank God! We're married? But how?

I can't believe they canceled us for this-- Shut up! I'm trying to watch this.

That wasn't so bad.

Homey, isn't he beautiful? As long as he's got eight fingers and eight toes, he's fine by me. Oh, Bart! Daddy's little angel. Ah! Why, you little..! He did that on purpose! How could he?

(MOANING) Stay with me, Marge. And I promise we'll travel the world and perhaps outer space. (IMITATES STAR SHIPS) (IMITATES LASER GUNS) (MOANING) Barney...

Welcome back, Space Girl.

I will not suffer your insubordination. There's been a shocking decline in the quality and quantity of your toadying, Waylon, and you will fall into line now! No. No, Monty, I won't. Not until you step back from the brink of insanity.

I challenge you to a duel.

I'll be pinching the pride and joy of the Springfield Museum, the world's largest cubic zirconia. Listen, Mr. Cat Burglar. I vow to go without sleep and guard the Springfield Museum day and night... for as long as it takes from now on, unless you want to taunt me more by giving me an approximate time.

Gabbo! Gabbo! Gabbo!

Those dolphins seem bent on mayhem.

Stop this float! What's the holdup? Go! I'm tired of being a corporate shill. From now on, I will speak out... against the evils in society, from dog-napping to cigarettes.

- Whoa-a-a-aaah ! - A-a-a-aaah ! Wh-o-o-o-a ! Bitchin' ! Hey ! Wha-- Come on, you stupid tube !

Bart, run like the (MISPRONOUNCING) wind! Mom, it's "wind." Well, I've only read it in books.

You know, Bart, since he is giving you all of his money, maybe it would be nice if you spent some time with him. Well-- Come on, honey. All right. How come Bart gets to do that, and I can't spend one night lurking in the bushes outside Chef Boyardee's house?

So? You like the blues. Yes. But the blues are unpopular. Man, are you illin'. Rappers stopped saying "illin'" 12 years ago. I'm keepin' it real! They stopped saying "keepin' it real" three years ago. Mom, Lisa's dissin' me!

I like pizza I like bagels I like hot dogs with mustard and beer I get the picture. I'll eat eggplant I could even eat a baby deer La la la la la la la la la la Who's that baby deer on the lawn there Enough already! Dancin' away my hunger pangs

Unkie Moe? What... is it, sweetheart? My sodie is too cold. My teef hurt. Oh, your "teef" hurt, huh? Your "teef" hurt? Well, that's too freakin' bad! I'll tell you where you can put your freakin' "sodie" too! Oh, my goodness!

I am Death. Death? We don't want any. I have come for Bart Simpson. Bart, run like the (MISPRONOUNCING) wind! Mom, it's "wind." Well, I've only read it in books.

Lucy! You hit her pretty hard there, Rick.

Monty, I've heard you're a pretty flatulent guy. Any comment on that? Well, now, see here. Stop that. Attention, wireless listeners. Most of the sounds you are now hearing are not being made by me. Oh, stop! Stop! Won't someone please stop the farting? Aah! Don't worry, folks. He's not dead. I still hear some faint sounds of life.

See that they get a little extra education, would ya? Yes, sir, Principal Valiant! He thinks he's so hot ever since he swept the Princi Awards. Those things are rigged. On May 21, 1864, the men of the 9th Bearded Infantry were sunning... and fluffing their beards in the sun.

Yvan eht nioj Eht nioj Yvan eht nioj You gotta love that crazy chorus. What does it mean? It doesn't mean anything. It's like "rama lama ding dong" or "give peace a chance."

Ahh, it got boring. I'm really into this cup and ball now. Whoa! Wow! Man, you never know which way this crazy ball's gonna go! Yeah, right.

Apparently, he doesn't really love Selma, and the marriage is just a sham to help his career. Well, enough talk. Let's snuggle. What? Oh, my God! Marge, could you close your eyes? I'm trying to sleep. There.

Ren and Stimpy, season premiere.

Oh, you'll pay. Don't think you won't pay! Guys, believe me. I didn't mean to get you expelled. Don't worry, Mr. Simpson. We can take care of ourselves. Ah, wallet inspector.

South of the border down mexico way yeah, she was A picture in old Spanish lace and just For A tender while

Nonsense. Dogs are idiots. Think about it, Smithers. If I came into your house and started sniffing at your crotch... and slobbering all over your face, what would you say?

Son, how's it going with the breakfast pâté? I'm on it.

in what I call my, uh, enemies list. "jane Fonda, Daniel Schorr, jack Anderson"-- Hey! This is Richard Nixon's enemies list. You just crossed out his name and put yours. Yeah, okay, gimme that. Gimme it back. "Barney Gumble."

a hands-on learning environment... opening this Saturday. No, kid! Don't! Command link severed. Default setting. Crush. Kill. Destroy.

Then came the big day. Fluffy and Fuzzy got married. That night came the honeymoon. Eww! She's faking it.

Homer, please. You don't have to wolf down that 25-year-old candy... just to make me happy. But it won't make you unhappy, right? Hey! Space food sticks! Oh, I wish I had these on my space adventure. Did you know I was blasted into space two years ago, Mom?

Born free As free AS the Wind blows As free As the grass grows Bart, I'm very impressed at the independent learning you've displayed here. - Thanks, Seymour. - Ye-- Yes.

All right, Simpson. You get your soul back. But let that ill-gotten doughnut be forever on your head.

This is the Dj-3000. It plays CDs automatically, and it has three distinct varieties of inane chatter.

Did you see the bubble? Yeah, I'm afraid the whole west side of your house is sinking.

Or what? You'll release the dogs or the bees, or dogs with bees in their mouth, and when they bark, they shoot bees at you? Well, go ahead. Do your worst.

Listen. Why don't you play Carl Reiner and let me play Police Chief Wiggum? I hate Carl Reiner!

Let's rock Do the mental house rock Let's rock Do the mental house rock Whoa!

Ooh, would you look at that. Aahh! Kneel before my slingshot, puny earthling! Well, I guess my first wish... is to get rid of those awful aliens. Aahh! He's got a board with a nail in it! Enslave humanity, will ya?! Run, Kodos!

What's to explain? He's an idiot! Pipe down! Well, basically, I just copied the plant we have now. Hmm. Then I added some fins to lower wind resistance-- And this racing stripe here, I feel is pretty sharp. Agreed. First prize.

All right. Root beer, bananas and toilet paper.

You'll have to jump! Piece of cake, son.

I aint cried like this since I paid to see Godfather ///

Let's see now. Invention. Invention. Hmm. Hmm. Something electrical might be good. Let me handle the creative end of this, Marge. - You don't understand how the creative mind works like I do. - Oh?

Happy! Come here, Happy! Yes, Mumsy? Happy, would you like to continue living with us, your loving, natural parents, or would you rather live with this twisted, loveless billionaire? Let's roll.

Duffmensch orders you to party! This Reich will last a thousand beers. Oh ja! I do this and I'm Jewish. Eins, zwei, drei, beer! (SIGHS) The Germans. You just can't stay mad at 'em.

I need to find a patsy quick. - Hello! - Yes, yes, hello. - Now, I need to find a patsy. - Hello! You’re quite the friendly fellow... but right now I'm looking for a patsy. Hello! You bumbling fool! - I keep telling you I'm looking for a patsy! - Hello!

Sometimes I think God is teasing me. just like he teased Moses in the desert. Tested, Homer. God tested Moses. And try to be nice to my sisters. It's very hard on me to have you fighting all the time.

Don't you deserve better than the best? Yeah! Who should handle all your dirty jobs? Someone else! Someone else! Someone else! i'm sorry my opponent didn't think enough of you to show up for this debate. I'm sure he had more important things to do.

Fifteen seconds to collision. We need a decision. Hmm. What would the captain say in my spot? Don't fire the torpedoes! Fire the torpedoes! We've been hit by an officer!

Bart Simpson, do you know why you have been summoned before this tribunal? Yes, sir. Because I killed an innocent bird.

Your husband suffers from a persecution complex extreme paranoia and bladder hostility. If you talk to him without mentioning Bart you'd see how sane he is. You mean there really is a Bart? Good Lord!

Simpson, I am by most measures a successful man. I have wealth and power beyond the dreams of you and your clock-punching ilk. And yet, I've led a solitary life. The fair sex remains a mystery to me.

Mr. Vice President! Someone finally bought a copy of your book, sir. Well, this calls for a celebration. Celebrate good times Come on I will.

Quite impossible. I can try to bat him off if you like. Uh, really, that's o-- Holy cats, man. We're starting to wobble. Get me to a hospital. You have to pedal.

Uh, Homer, uh, about those things you borrowed from me over the years-- you know, the TV trays, the power sander, the downstairs bathtub-- You gonna be needing those things in Cypress Creek? Yes. Oh. Uh-- Okilly-dokilly-- Okilly-dokilly!

She's one of my favorites. I loved her in the thing I saw her in.

So you can either sit there crying and eating can after can of dog food... until your tears smell enough like dog food to make your dog come back, or you can go out there and find your dog! You're right! I'll do it! Rats! I almost had him eatin' dog food.

And I didn't need molded plastic to improve my physique. Pure West. And how come Batman doesn't dance anymore? Remember the Batusi?

Ah, these uniforms are a godsend. Horseplay's down 40%. Youthful exuberance has been cut in half. High spirits are at an all-time low. They've even begun blinking in unison.

I can use the potty now. Mmm. (PSYCHEDELIC MUSIC PLAYING) (SNARLING) (WHIMPERS)

I don't need your crummy job. I won the lottery! Well, I won the lottery too! We both won the lottery! Why don't you win the lottery too? Where everybody wins! Actual odds of winning: one in 380 million.

I poached some fish for your trip, Mr. Tamzarian. They're full of tiny bones, so I want you to be careful. I will, Moth-- uh, Mrs. Skinner. Well, I'd better be going.

Do you realize what this means?

Tuck in that shirt. Shine those shoes, mister. Oh, for the love of-- Uh, a seagull took my sailor hat. All right, Simpson. I don't like you, and you don't like me.

I don't follow, sir. It's over, L.T. Let's march all day and clean latrines all night Don't bust me down Let's re-up tonight

What is it? Hi, Homer. - Oh, nothing. - Hey. That's my lucky red hat sittin' on top... of a double-corrugated, eight-fold, 14-gauge box. Oh, it sounds like you really learned something on your field trip. Think you'd be interested in a career as a box maker? Well, that'll always be the dream.

Ew! You said if I slept with you, I wouldn't have to touch the drunk. Duff Man says a lot of things. Oh, yeah! Hmph!

Thanks for poisoning the planet, bastard. Get bent. No more Chernobyls! Go to hell! I was doing my best to resist her,

"Radiant, cool, crazy nightmares. Zen New jersey nowhere." Put this in your pipe and smoke it! Hmm?

And now it's time for another episode of-- Honey, I'm home. Oh, I got wax in my ears. Better clean 'em. Hah? Hah? This goes on for 12 more minutes.

were set by crackpots who half killed themselves. The only way someone new can get in the book...

- Anything left? - Uh, only the sour quince log, sir. Dispose of it. And, uh, send a thank-you note to Marge, Bart, Lisa and Maggie Simpson.

You're not supposed to go to the bathroom without washing your hands either. TouchÉ. To the top, please. Swim, my pretties.

Say it, Frenchy! Say "chowdah"! Never! Okay, you asked for it.

"Give me five bees for a quarter," you'd say. Now, where were we? Oh, yeah! The important thing was that I had an onion on my belt, which was the style at the time.

Are you ready to get Duffed? Hey, it's Duffman, the guy in a costume that creates awareness of Duff! Duffman wants to party down with the man who sent in...

We now return to Battling Seizure Robots.

Ah, look at that corn. Ol’ Gil's hard work is finally payin' off! Well, at least I got my health. Aw.

Hey! Mr. Prime Minister! Andy!

And the home of the-e-e-e-e-e-e

and "rail" means "rail."

Your mother hasn't opened my present yet. Happy birthday to you Happy birthday to you Happy 34th birthday, Mrs. Homer Simpson Happy birthday to you

How dare you destroy my valuable wall and spill my priceless acid? Did you really think you were going to get away with it? - I wasn't-- - Silence! I'm going to give you one more chance-- at a reduced salary. So straighten up and fly right. But, sir, if I could--

Ooh, look at how many cuts there are there. Oh, boy! You're cut! All of you! He's cut. I cut you! Shh! You're cut too, shushy!

Look at these bills. "Chain for elephant." "Shots for elephant." "Oversized decorative poncho"! Technically, it's for a giraffe, but I think I can let it out a little. Well, these bills will have to be paid out of your allowance. You'll have to raise my allowance to about $1,000 a week. Then that's what I'll do, smart guy.

Black power! Black power! Was that Al Roker? His exuberance is perplexing.

(SORROWFUL HONK)

Eighteen seconds. Hmm. If this were really a nuclear war, we'd all be dead meat by now. Say, you're all shivering. Are you cold or what? Bart! Bart! Time for your Sunday night bath, boy!

Looking for this? No, not in there.

Can you spell "scabies'"? S-C-A-B-I-E-S. Rubella, we got you a middle name. You aint supposed to hold her like that. Spell "AC/DC." A-C-D-C. Uh-uh. You forgot the lightning bolt. - "Relapse." - R-E-L-A-P-S-E.

The bear urine will make you strong. Actually, it's Fresca. Fresca?

For our first game, I need everyone to draw a picture of President Eisenhower. (RALPH HUMS) I drew him with Canadian Prime Minster Louis St. Laurent. Their relationship was frosty at best. (GROANS)

The county is threatening to take my Seymour away. Oh, we had another fight over the inflatable bath pillow. I kept screeching and screeching at him, but--

Hello, this is Bob "What the hell am I doing in Springfield" Hope. Hey, how about that Mayor Quimby? He's some golfer! His golf ball spends more time underwater than Greg Louganis. And now, I wanna show you what you're fighting for, if there was a war on. Little Miss Springfield.

Hmm? Here's your package, Mr. Burns. My name is the return address, you senseless dunderpate.

or... a brilliant beast. Stupid egghead. Oh, Homer. My brilliant beast.

I love this show.

Huh? He thinks you're gay. He thinks I'm gay? Everybody Dance now

Pretend to care! (GRUNTING) (CHOKING) Well, looking at you kids, I know I made the right choice in life. I'm sure you did. But still, don't you ever wonder what might've happened if things had gone differently? Well...

Glove slap Shut your big yap Glove slap Baby, glove slap Ooh, glove Baby, that's where it's at Yeah Glove, baby Give it a slap

Looks like our lifetime ban just expired. Sorry! Sorry!

I hate getting stitches in my eyes. Stupid crows. Don't be mad at the crows, Homer. They weren't trying to blind you. They were just trying to drink your sweet, sweet eye juices. Mmm. Fascinating. Say, Doctor, can you do something about my searing pain? Well, there is medication. Although, it's a little controversial.

Whoa! Whoa! Ow! Hey, I was watching that. And I was sittin' there. Rex Banner. I'm running this department now. Wiggum, you're out, suspended indefinitely! Huh?

Here you go. Oh, what a cute convertible. You guys at the bureau thought of everything. Hey, look! The F.B.I. Light Opera Society Sings the Complete Gilbert and Sullivan.

Who keeps Atlantis off the maps Who keeps the Martians under wraps We do, we do Who holds back the electric car Who makes Steve Guttenberg A star

Hello ? Is Homer there ? Homer who ? Homer... Sexual. Wait one second. Let me check. Uh, Homer Sexual ? Uh, come on. Come on. One of you guys has gotta be Homer Sexual. Don't look at me.

You're it. - Now you are the one who is it. - Understood.

Now let's go to Arnie Pie in the Sky. I can see them right below me. I'm gonna try to nail the driver with one of my shoes. Arnie, please leave this to the police. I'm sick of being a reporter. I want to make the news! Arnie, this is not the time! You're not the time, Kent! You're not the time!

Time to brush your teeth, wash your face... and say your prayers. Are you in... here ? Oh ! Homemade pickled beets. Go ahead. Take 'em all.

You know that playhouse? Well, I-- Good gravy! Oh, thank you. It's just brown and water.

Lindsay Neagle, Advanced Capital Ventures. Oh, what do you produce? Synergy, and books on how to cheat at bridge. Lisa, I think you'll really enjoy it here.

I can't help it if I donated the most blood. Ohh. I'm feeling kinda woozy.

Thank you, Son. Now, do you think you could stop the casual swearing? Hell, yes! That's my boy. Well, if you believe in me, then I'm not going to give up. I'll prove I'm right. This Friday, we're going back to the woods. And we're going to find that alien. What if we don't? We'll fake it and sell it to the Fox network.

Get off me, you little nerd. Aaah! I knew this weekend was just an excuse to get in my mouth. Keep your money. I'm going home.

And if your idea of a first date is burning down her village, you just might be a Viking. That's what I get for sitting up front, eh?

All our financial plans are ruined. We're doomed. Doomed, I tells ya! Bart! Let your father tell the story. Yeah. Okay, but I know funny. Anyhoo-- We're doomed! - Homer, you had a head. - Check.

I'm older! I get the top bunk! Oh, poppycock! I called it at the arraignment! Get back! So, when do they bring us the menus?

Good Lord! Bart's mooning the flag! Don't look, Buttermilk! (CROWD JEERING) How dare he?

Die, Krusty! Die-- Oh. Ooh, sorry. Uh, we don't normally drive these in the Air Force. Gotcha! Ya TV-hatin' mutant.

but I think they're getting to be a problem. Yeah, they ate all my socks! I have to wear Lisa's to school today. How do you explain the culottes, boy? Well, I have to coordinate. Your mother and I have been thinking about giving the puppies away! No! Mainly your mother. Is that what we do in this family? When someone becomes an inconvenience, we just get rid of them?

If you would just let me lead-- - You're not a leader, Seymour. Never have been, never will be. - Oh! There's square dancing. Oh, the birdie in the cage out, lady in the center. Now the birdie is purty and the crows hop in. Put the feather all together, hell-bent for leather. Put your honey in the saddle-- Or there's the dance that made me ever so famous-- tap.

Andy Williams! We don't need to stop here. Yes, we do! My huckleberry friend moon river

what with your insane fear of drinking, and me being banned from the church and all, but, uh, but that Maude, she was really somethin'. Oh, wasn't she? Thank you, Moe. I appreciate that. Oh, I really mean it though. I mean, if it was you that died, I would've been on her so fast! What are you saying? What? Nothing. She was hot. - What? You can't take a compliment? - Hot?

I sabotaged all the other entries.

Turn it down! We don't want to wake up Mom and Dad!

Why did I take such punishment? Let's just say that fame was like a drug. But what was even more like a drug was the drugs. But despite their mounting problems,

"Where's the beef?" What the hell's that supposed to mean? "Where's the beef?" No wonder he won Minnesota.

Oh! Lights out, losers!

This air conditioning is better than any truant officer. I'm seeing students I haven't seen in years. Sugar Hmm-hmm-hmm! Hey, Mrs. K.! Oh, Arthur!

Where's Fallout Boy? Fallout Boy! Uh-oh. My eyes. The goggles do nothing.

Zip it, Holy Joe.

"I am disgusted with the way old people are depicted on television. "We are not all vibrant, fun-loving sex maniacs. "Many of us are bitter, resentful individuals... "who remember the good old days... "when entertainment was bland and inoffensive.

Hey. It's Gary Coleman. But the menu said "galaxy of prawns." Three prawns are hardly a galaxy. What do you mean your hands are tied? Let me talk to Mr. Quan. I want to see how this turns out. The phone's not even plugged in.

So what do you want here? Uh, appendectomy, lipo or the sampler? That's very popular. I want you to stick this crayon... into my brain. No problem. The old "Crayola oblongata."

First-rate. What's a battle? Let's go. Did that boy say, "What's a battle?" He said, "What's that rattle?" About the heating duct. Hmm. It sounded like battle. I've had a cold, so, uh-- Oh, so you would hear "R's" as "B's?" Yes. I understand.

Whew! Ahh! "Grace under pressure... is no--" Three minutes to meltdown. Whew! Saved by the bell.

You're so naive. They are for lovemaking. Really ? Yes. Oh !

Hey, what's so funny. Oh, Marge, grow up!

Listen. What's he saying? Stay the course, Big Ned. You're doing super. Food goes in here. It sure does. Hey, Moe. Whatsa matter? You no talka with your accent no more. Mamma mia.

If you want an experienced public servant, vote for me. But if you want to believe a bunch of crazy promises... about garbagemen cleaning your gutters and waxing your car, then by all means vote for this sleazy lunatic.

Oh, that Moe. But good for you, Mom. Why didn't you follow Chloe into journalism? Well, we both faced a tough decision. Go off to journalism school, or stay in Springfield with our sweethearts? (MOANING)

Get that cat out of the way! Aah! My socks!

I must have that oil.

in a stolen paddy wagon. Now let's go to Arnie Pie in the Sky. I can see them right below me. I'm gonna try to nail the driver with one of my shoes. Arnie, please leave this to the police. I'm sick of being a reporter. I want to make the news! Arnie, this is not the time! You're not the time, Kent! You're not the time!

Fellow classmates, instead of voting for some athletic hero or a pretty boy, you have elected me, your intellectual superior, as your king. Good for you. Very well said. Now your king and queen will share their first royal dance. Aww !

This will not stand! Ooh, you don't want to get Zorro mad. - You're pouring hot butter on my leg! - Shh, shh, shh!

Lisa! Enough "saxomaphone" already!

I'm sure I'd be a third wheel. Oh, no, siree. We'd be happy as hens to have you-- I would make it my business to be a third wheel.

Yeah, I think I'm gettin' the bends. Whoa. Lenny, stand on my chest. I'm trapped! This is creative design run amok. That's it! I'm gonna tell Moe exactly what I think of his--

You know what I think of this contract? This! Yeah!

Any questions? Uh, is the poop deck really what I think it is? I like the cut of your jib. What's a jib? Promote that man.

The cash register says, "N.R.A.4ever." just one of the hundreds of radical, right-wing messages... inserted into every show by creator Matt Groening.

I love this show. Take that, you stupid hosers. Good-bye, japan. I'll miss your Kentucky Fried Chicken... and your sparkling, whale-free seas. Hey, what's goin' on? What's happening? Folks, we're experiencing... some moderate Godzilla-related turbulence at this time, so I'm gonna go ahead...

There you go, fellas. D'oh!

Keep cool, Simpson. Be in the game but not of the game. No es bueno. Winners don't use drugs. Ehh! Ehh! Ehh! Ehh! Ehh! Ehh! Ehh! Ehh!

Hurts, don't it?

Steady. Steady. Oh, nicely played, sir. Attention, passengers.

That does it! I'm going in! Bart, no! Cool, man!

I need the biggest seed bell you have. No, that's too big.

Welcome to the club, Number 908. You have joined the Sacred Order of the Stonecutters, who, since ancient times, have split the rocks of ignorance... that obscure the light of knowledge and truth. Now let's all get drunk and play ping-pong. 'Cause he's already kind of heavy, you know, and--

How are things at home?

Well, Kang, it seems the earthlings won. Did they? That board with the nail in it may have defeated us, but the humans won't stop there. They'll make bigger boards and bigger nails. Soon they will make a board with a nail so big, it will destroy them all!

Behold the delightful unicorn I got at the face-painting pavilion. Dude, that was a tattoo parlor.

I'm going to give you one more chance-- at a reduced salary. So straighten up and fly right. But, sir, if I could-- Hi, Grimey, old buddy. I'm not your buddy, Simpson. I don't like you. In fact, I hate you. Stay the hell away from me--

Oh, no! We're all doomed! I'm a complete fraud!

See? You don't have to spend a lot of money to have a first-class wedding reception. It's getting less and less likely... you're going to yell "surprise" and have all my friends jump out. Levis. Hey, you think that truck is full of jeans?

I'm Carl. He sounds good. Hire him. I'll call you back, Marge.

Maggie, can you say "ba-ba"? Can you say "Mama"? Can you say "get bent"? Bart! Mr. Rogers says it all the time. He does not. Maggie, can you say "Daddy"? Daddy. Kitty. Kitty. Be-bop. Be-bop.

especially Bart. Well, then you might as well stay with us. We serve the same meat the prisons do. Wait, wait, wait. Bob cant stay with us. This man has tried to kill me so much it's not funny anymore. Dont worry, son. We have ways of making him compliant. Dad, I cant believe you’re putting my life at risk to save your own.

Oh. Well, Ralph seems happy enough. Maybe I should just give up now and settle into a mindless, happy stupor. We now return to... When Buildings Collapse on nonstop Fox.

I want to meet the first female stealth bomber pilot. During the Gulf War, she destroyed 70 mosques. And her name is Lisa too.

Oh, my goodness. It's Matt Groening! (DR. HIBBERT CHUCKLING) Wow! The creator of Futurama! Mr. Groening, will you autograph my Bender doll? Sure. I'm happy to give anyone my autograph anytime or anywhere. On the street, in a store or on my private property. But why be happy with just an autograph?

Oh, I sure would. It would give the boys a place to go after school. Then I'll do it, just to see the look on your face. That's the one. This world is whistles and missiles Bones and trombones Why did you put my name on the sign? It's just a legal thing to protect me.

Let's see what's in the newspaper today. Hmm. Canada stalls on trade pact.

Ew. Arr! This picture will serve me well on those lonely nights at sea.

Hey, lookin' good, Bart. Bart, what happened ? I had a little accident in chemistry today. Well, I bet it's nothing a little turpentine won't take off. Come on, son. Don't be discouraged, son. I bet Einstein turned himself all sorts of colors... before he invented the lightbulb.

Somehow, Homer became addicted to painkillers. it was the only way he could perform... the bone-cracking physical comedy... Ow! My leg! that made him a star. This is the worst pain ever! - Ow! - Stop pummeling me! It's really painful!

Today we're going to be seen by people in 150 countries all over the world including our newest affiliate, W-Gimel-Aleph-Nun in Tel Aviv. Stupid! Formidable.

Check it out. I built myself a healthy apple. But you made it out of ham cubes. Yup. A shiny new apple. I get it! Everything's made of blocks! - Even the water! - Uh, hey! Ow!

Whoo-hoo-hoo That was Bobby Mcferrin's new one, "I'm Worried, Need Money."

That wasn't so bad. Huh? Ow! Ow! Ow!

Boy! We sounded great, huh? Only one question remains, gentlemen. What do we call ourselves? How about Handsome Homer Simpson, Plus Three? I like it! I do not-- I do not think-- No. We need a name that's witty at first, but seems less funny each time you hear it. How about the Be Sharps?

Stop the clapping! You'll kill us all! Lisa's gone berserk. Do something, Homer. Do something!

the first radio in Springfield. Weren't much on the air then. just Edison reciting the alphabet over and over. "A," he'd say. Then "B." "C" would usually follow.

Good God! Who's the safety inspector there? Uh, Homer Simpson, sir. Simpson, eh? Good man? Intelligent? Actually, he was hired under "Project Bootstrap." Thank you, President Ford.

Resident. Occupant. Hmm. Free sample of Lemon Time. Ooh, give it here. Homer, that's dishwashing liquid! Yeah, but what are ya gonna do?

Ow, ow, ow, ow! Skinner, why aren't these uniforms colorfast? I don't understand it. I got them at the same place I buy Mother's dresses, and--

That wasn't so bad. Huh? Ow! Ow! Ow!

So you want a realistic, down-to-earth show... that's completely off-the-wall and swarming with magic robots? That's right. Yeah, good. And also you should win things by watching.

Mm-hmm. You bossed around the richest, most powerful guy in town? How come you were a sergeant and he was only a private? Well, he got busted down for obstructing a probe from J. Edgar Hoover. We got stuck with him.

Now for total security, I will terminate the cameraman. Thanks a lot, Steve!

Pretty soon, every boy and girl in Springfield Elementary School is gonna come see this thing. Really ? Why ? They're forcing 'em !

I think I can actually hear the air being torn, sir. Oh, shut up !

Supervising technician at the toxic waste dump. I'm no supervising technician. I'm a technical supervisor. I've never done anything worthwhile in my life. I'm a big, worthless nothing. There, there, Homer. You'll find a job.

Dude, let's trash this place. After we get paid. Nice. Oh, man, this is the greatest night of my life. If my dad could see this, he'd be so mad. He can. There's a Web cam right there. Of all the sites on all the Web...

And what are your reasons for wanting a little brother? Don't say revenge. Don't say revenge. Uh, revenge? That's it. I'm gettin' out of here.

JEFF: Yes! Finally.

(VOCALIZING) (VOCALIZING) Homer, what are you doing?

he was blown up in a silo explosion.

These talking dinosaurs are more real... than most real families on TV.

There's something you don't see in a toilet every day. Anybody lose their glasses? Last chance. Whoo-hoo! The sum of the square roots of any two sides of an isosceles triangle... is equal to the square root of the remaining side. - That's a right triangle, ya idiot! - D'oh!

Why, you've probably never even seen your own face in the mirror, have you? Here. Hmm? We think we saw Hugo at the airport. He was boarding a plane to Switzerland, and-- Oh.

Well, you know, boys a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman-- you just read the manual and press the right button.

get thoSe animals out on the arky, arky Leave me alone. Dad, the heathen's getting away. I see him, son.

I am the champions I am the champions No time for losers 'Cause I am the champions Of the world Uh-oh. Hi, honey.

It's been St. Patrick's Day for hours, and I'm still not drunk yet! Oh, it's never gonna be 9:00. Moe! Moe!

Comin' right up! I'm gonna get loose need me A triple shot of that juice Hey, there's a balloon machine in the bathroom. Kids, from now on, I don't want you touching anything in our house.

I have returned from the dead. Looks like you've returned from the buffet. Why, you little-- D'oh! My son, I have some shocking news. I was murdered.

Mr. Plow. That name again is Mr. Plow. Hello, I'm calling from Delinquent Accounts at Kumatsu Motors. Oh, you want the Mr. Plow who plows driveways. This is Tony Plow. You know, from Leave It to Beaver. Yeah. They were gay.

I want candy But don't you want to end world famine? I want candy Or save the endangered Alaskan salmon. I want candy Well, if you won't think of society's ills--

Sorry, Dad. Sorry, Mom. Sorry, Maggie. That does it. Children, get dressed. We're leaving. Come on, Marge. You said you'd sleep on it. I don't care what I said. This family has had its differences and we've squabbled, but we've never had knife fights before, and I blame this house.

I question the value of this assembly. It will be a pleasant memory when they're pumping gas for a living.

It's the Krusty Burglar! Oh, my God! He's stealing all the burgers! Why, you little-- I got you! Ho-- Homer, it's-- it's all just an act. Stop! Stop! He's already dead!

Well, I wasn't sure I was doing the right thing, but then God himself told me I should seek a new path. Oh, really? Yeah. He appeared before me in a dream, and I knew that was special because I usually dream about naked... Marge.

"Well, Camus can do, but Sartre is smartre." So original.

Bob, one of my fillings fell out. Even murder has its ugly side. Bob, would you mind rubbing my feet? Darling, you make it sound like a chore. Ooh. Oh. Good. Mmm.

And turn and flex. And shake and bounce and turn. And flex and shake and bounce.

Uh, God? Hi. Bill Watson. I, uh, live in the clock building. I have a question. If you're so good, why do you allow bad things to happen? Why am I so fat? Why do bad things happen to good people? Listen. I can take care of everything. All you have to do is un-shrink me.

It is an honor to begin repaying my debt to you. Back in Rahmatpur, I was considered quite the gourmet. Hmm. It certainly is exotic. Oh, Lisa, is that too spicy for you? I can see through time. Stop being such babies. You can't be afraid to try new things.

So, what was it like at the Flanders' house? Yeah, give me all the dirt. Let's see. Dirt. Dirt. Well, there wasn't really much dirt. There was a bunch of old paint cans in their garage though. Ol' Painty-can Ned!

Look. It's J.K. Rowling, author of the Harry Potter books. You've turned a generation of kids on to reading. Thank you, young muggle. Can you tell me what happens at the end of the series? He grows up and marries you. Is that what you want to hear? Yes.

Hey, boys will be boys. I am so tired of that tautology.

Un, deux, trois!

Thank you. I just wish Ben and Hoss and Little joe... and Hop Sing and Sheriff Roy and all your favorites... could be alive today to see this wonderful turnout.

inspirational, nauseating--

This sucks! Are you questioning my authority? Willie!

Yes? Is the remarkably sexist drivel spouted by Malibu Stacy... intentional, or is it just a horrible mistake? Believe me, we're very mindful of such concerns. Hey, jiggles! Grab a pad and back that gorgeous butt in here. Oh, you. Get away! Ah, don't act like you don't like it.

Oh, I think he is. Then why is he attacking all those other elephants? Well, animals are a lot like people, Mrs. Simpson. Some of them act badly because they've had a hard life, Stampy! or have been mistreated. But, like people, some of them are just jerks. Stop that, Mr. Simpson.

Welcome to Pretzel Wagon. May I take your order? Uh, let's see. I'll have one, uh-- Hey, hurry up. I wanna get my pretzel. - One pretzel. - Thank you. Let's see, uh,

If you're headin' for the medicine cabinet, I already been there. What the hell's goin' on? Well, we hated being mad at you, Homer.

Where did you get that brownie? There's a big pile of 'em.

Simpson scandal update. Homer sleeps nude in an oxygen tent... which he believes gives him sexual powers.

The play's tomorrow night. I've got to stay in character. Would it help if I talked like this too? It might. An' I'll talk like 'is. Bob's yer uncle, mate. That really doesn't help, Bart. Big Daddy, would y'all mind passin' a lil' ol' biscuit? Can I slog off school tomorrow? Got a pain in me gulliver. I'm livin' in a cuckoo clock!

Yup. They called me Kid Gorgeous. Later on, it was Kid Presentable. Then Kid Gruesome. And, finally, Kid Moe.

Compliments of the house-- One Flaming... Homer. Aw, thanks, Moe. You're the greatest friend a guy could ever have. Hey, do you think Aerosmith will be in tonight? I doubt it.

Shh! Tappa-tappa-tappa.

Can I see your copy of Swank, Armin? Yes, you can. This is Armin's life. Maybe it's not perfect, but at least I'm back where I belong. I was born a no-goodnik, and I'll die a no-goodnik. Seymour! I didn't bring you up to use language like that! You didn't bring me up at all. The hell I didn't!

You'll enrage the beast! No pictures. You're driving him mad! Aah! Stop it! You're blinding me! Oh. Oh! I can't see. Aah!

I think the real question is who is this and where is Homer Simpson ? Whoa, whoa. Sorry. Principal Skinner, sorry. It's a bad connection, I think. It's for you. I think Bart's in trouble again. Doh ! What's he done now ?

Homer, I'm afraid you'll have to undergo a coronary bypass operation. Say it in English, Doc. You're going to need open-heart surgery. Spare me your medical mumbo jumbo. We're going to cut you open and tinker with your ticker. Could you dumb it down a shade? Doctor, we'll do whatever it takes to get my Homie well.

who cant even get into the army, if you can believe it. Dad, how drunk are you? Not very! You’re going down, Homer. Then back up. Then down. Then back up again. That's how the game is played.

Where? To the big annual what?

Que sera, sera Whatever will be will be The future's not ours to see - Que sera, sera-- Run!

Wake up, everybody! It's World War III! Quick! Down to the fallout shelter! The bombs are dropping!

It was a very desolate place where danger and disease rode tall in the saddle.

No one in history has ever done anything this clever.

Colonel Klink! Did you ever get my letters? I'm not actually Colonel Klink. I'm just assuming his form. Did you know Hogan had tunnels all over your camp? Homer! That's not why I'm here.

(GRUNTING) Oh, man, is this gonna hurt. Ah! That's better. (CHUCKLES) Ooh!

Oh, just thinking about-- her can. I just wish I-- sweet-- sweet-- s-s-sweet can. So, Mr. Simpson, you admit you grabbed her can. What do you have to say in your defense? Mr. Simpson, your silence will only incriminate you further. No, Mr. Simpson. Don't take your anger out on me.

...Itchy and scratchy show

Good. Good. Wait a minute. Somebody's off the beat. Let me hear you two. Okay, now you. Whoa. Children, stop it. For all you know, she has a medical condition.

Her claws are really digging into my skull. She can crush clams with them. Get it off, get it off, get it off! Here we have an Alaskan timber wolf. He weighs 240 pounds, and his jaws can bite through a parking meter. He does get spooked by loud noises. "Loud"? That's our secret word for the day!

ANNOUNCER: And now, our opening act, in their first live show since Tinky Winky was acquitted of manslaughter. Not guilty! The Teletubbies! (CHEERING) Custard!

And weren't you once in a loony bin? Oh, yeah! He's right, folks. The only story here is the rich, smooth taste of Duff. Yes, that is an important story, but so is this! It--

queen of the mysterious East. Now this is what I call a party. How do I tell you this, my boy ? We're in hell. Look at him squirm. You care to dance ?

Dad, Todd's speaking in tongues! I wish he were, Rod. I pray for the day, but I'm afraid he's just delirious from fever.

Bart Simpson, I warned you. This is the final straw.

I'm sorry I spanked your boy, Homer. Whoo-hoo! In your face, Bush. Now apologize for the tax hike.

Huh? This isn't Miss Hoover's class.

Man, technology's amazing. A guy could do great things with a gadget like that.

Fine, I'll drop everything I'm doing just for you!

We don't know. Of course, there's no way to see into the Simpson home... without some kind of infrared heat-sensitive camera, so let's turn it on. This technology is new to me, but I'm pretty sure... that's Homer Simpson in the oven rotating slowly. His body temperature has risen to over 400 degrees.

Cool. An ambulance from the '60s. I bet a lot of hippies were denied care in this thing. (LAUGHING) Injured hippies.

Help! Help! "Helms calls for doughnut tax."

Yes? What happened? When did that happen? How much of it? Oh, my goodness. I'll be right up. Homer, I gotta go upstairs. There's a problem. Somebody ate part of my lunch.

Catch my drift? Milhouse, lower those eyebrows. And the other one.

And why is Marge here? I came up with the idea. And why am I here? Because the streets of Capitol City... are no place for three unescorted ladies. And why are the kids here? Because we couldn't find Grampa to sit for them. And why is Grampa here? 'Cause jasper didn't wanna come by himself. Fair enough.

We now return to Battling Seizure Robots.

And such lovely children you have now. I'm more striking than lovely. You come with me. Come with Luigi. You don't want to sit with the rest of the scum. - I only consider you scum compared to Krusty. - Well, right. I can see that. I'll have the cannoli. You see how you scum.

(GASPING) Get ready, skanks. Here comes the truth train! This isn't an island. It's a peninsula. (DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING) (GASPING) This was supposed to be about trust! (SOBBING) I just want to get on that boat and go home! Well, you don't need a boat because you can walk.

That big ape thinks he can muscle in... on my girl, does he? I'll show him. I'm gonna give him the frowning of a lifetime.

I don't like this program. Change the channel. ...traffic for hours. Wheel of Fortune!

They Call him skinner skinner faster than lightning no one you see is stricter than he

Ahh maybe I'm A man maybe you're the only woman who Can ever help me baby, won't you help me understand oooh

Miss Naegle, even though I disagree with your principles, I certainly admire your success. Well, Lisa, I would be proud if one of the eggs I sold turned out like you. Mom, I locked your keys in the car. Then wait in the shadows! Also Maggie puked in your purse again.

Mr. Simpson, this is the most blatant case of fraudulent advertising... since my suit against the film The Neverending Story.

I've said it before and I'll say it again, democracy simply doesn't work. Now over the years, a newsman learns a number of things...

It's a beautiful day to kick your ass! You die now! Bingo!

- They'll clog the instruments! - Careful. They're ruffled.

You’re gonna be just fine. Oh! Hello, Scratchy. The Big Bopper? Ritchie Valens? Buddy Holly? No!

Uh, sometimes to keep from hurting someone's feelings, we have to say things that aren't exactly-- Lies make Baby jesus cry.

That tears it! I'll show Homer! I'm gonna be the nicest man this world has ever seen. I said "man," not "man-God"! Keep your pants on!

There's the coffee mug from Heartbeeps! And there's the cane from Citizen Kane! Wait a minute. There was no cane in Citizen Kane. And there's that awful script from The Cable Guy. Lemme see. Stupid script! Nearly wrecked jim Carrey's career!

and bingo was his name-o b-i-n-g-o B-i-n-g-o B-i-n-g-o and bingo was his name-o

Yeah. Like-- Yeah! Okay. Great. Okay. Let-Let's just try that again. Okay? Come on. Hey. Come on. Hey-ey-ey! Hey, get over here! Okay. Now, you're you, I'm me. I'm me? Hey, don't jerk me around, fella.

Nice glasses, four eyes. Yeah, nice shoes, uh, two feet. Yeah. Your appearance is comical to me.

Todd, would you like mixed vegetables? Hell no. What did you say? I don't want any damn vegetables. All right. No Bible stories for you tonight.

I got me a future. I'm two days away from retirement. My daughter's graduating from college. Little Suzie is growing up. As soon as we nail Mendoza my old lady and I... are gonna sail around the world like we always wanted. We just christened a boat. Yes, sir, everything is gonna be just Perf--

They can't seriously expect us to swallow that tripe. Now as a special treat, courtesy of our friends at the meat council, please help yourselves to this tripe.

Now, uh, pizza's working well on Thursday.

Folks, do you realize without your support, public television can't afford to bring you such award-winning shows as... Edward the Penitent? I'm really, really, really sorry. I'm afraid sorry doesn't cut it with this pope. Oh-ho. What the hell? Oh, we got a call.

Oh. Don't worry. This frosting will come right off. Beauty, isn't she ? It's hard for me to judge since I've never bowled in my life ! Well, if you don't want it, I know someone who does.

My name's Homer Simpson. I'd like to sign up for something. Well, we have an opening on the debate team. Debate, like arguing ? Yes.

Ooh! just do it.

Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! "Asleep at the switch"? I wasn't asleep. I was drunk! I believe you, Dad.

Forget it. He releases the hounds on every charity that comes to his door. Feed the Children. Save the Whales. Even Release the Hounds. Uh, well, maybe we can pry open his wallet with a slick, professional pitch. A school play!

These uniforms suck. Bart, where do you pick up words like that? Yeah, Moe, that team sure did suck last night. They just plain sucked. I've seen teams suck before, but they were the suckiest bunch of sucks that ever sucked. Homer, watch your mouth! I gotta go. My damn wiener kids are listening.

These seats stink. I'd think the players' wives would be closer to the action.

joker. You were supposed to take those out of the deck. Oh, sorry. Here's another one. What is this card? "Rules for Draw and Stud Poker?" What a pity, Mr. Bond. But-- Well, it was Homer's fault. I didn't lose. I never lose. Well, at least tell me the details of your plot for world domination. I'm not going to fall for that one again.

What the hell was that? Calling home planet. This is Ensign Kang reporting a cigar-shaped object moving at tremendous speed. Sure, Kang, I'm writing it all down.

Let's start with mega secret number one: "Ya gotta squeeze every penny." You see this tux? I got it cheap 'cause Roy Cohn died in it. That fancy yacht? A bargain, 'cause it smells like cat pee. And those beautiful women? They used to be men.

So, this is okay, isn't it ? I mean, everybody does it, right ? What ? Oh, hey, if you're having second thoughts, just read this pamphlet. "So You've Decided to Steal Cable." Uh-huh. "Myth: Cable piracy is wrong. Fact: Cable companies are big, faceless corporations, which makes it okay."

What the hell is that?

When you concentrate food, you unleash its awesome power, I'm told. That's why I'm compressing five pounds of spaghetti... into one handy, mouth-size bar. Hmm. Hospital, please.

The next time you use a gas chromatograph remember to thank Mr. A.J.P. Martin. Brilliant, Martin. Once again you've wrecked the grading curve. I pity the student who has to follow you. Bart Simpson, you're next.

All right, bartenders, toss your drunks. And stay out! Ew! You said if I slept with you, I wouldn't have to touch the drunk. Duff Man says a lot of things. Oh, yeah! Hmph!

Mmm. I guess we're not going to find anything. Uh, how are we gonna get out of here? We'll dig our way out!

So, you think you know better than this family, huh? Well, as long as you're in my house, you'll do what I do and believe what I believe. So butter your bacon! Yes, Father.

Marge, how did you get my jacket so clean? I've tried everything to get those blood and puke stains out. I've tried hitting 'em. I've tried yelling at 'em. All it takes is the right cleanser and a little elbow grease.

Now behind that door is Edison's actual preserved brain. Ordinarily, folks, tour groups are not allowed to see it, and, of course, today will be no exception.

All right, Simpson. I don't like you, and you don't like me. - I like you. - Um, all right. You like me, but I don't like you. Maybe you would like me if you got to know me.

They fought and bit they fought and fought and biT fought, fought, fought bit, bit, bit it was the itchy and scratchy show

Me leg's gone gimpy! Who'll provide for me little ones?

Oh, please stop. I'm just getting started.

Hey, yeah, yeah. I think I can. I think this is sick. They're staring at a dot. She's right ! She's right ! Oh, how I miss TV. Dear God, just give me one channel ! Homer, it's not the end of the world. Before we got married, we hardly ever watched television. You lie. Bart !

Homer? It looks like it could gore. It does look like Al Gore. Oh, he smells worse than anything. Hey, you, elephant! Lift me up on your back, man. Whoo!

Hello! Itchy and Scratchy Land, open for business. Who are you to resist it, huh? Come on. My last paycheck bounced. My children need wine.

Aah! My face! My valuable face! Hmph!

Plus tag team robot wrestling. It's the mighty robots of Battlestar Galactica versus the gay robots of Star Wars. Stop! Please, save me, R2. Oh, you stupid little tramp. You're so boring. I hate you! Ow, ow, ow!

Mmm. Forbidden doughnut.

Come on. Look at me. I'm a gargoyle, what, with the cauliflower ear there and the lizard lips-- - Little rat eyes. - Caveman brow. Don't forget that fish snout. Okay, I get it. I ain't pleasant to look at. Or listen to. Or be with. Come on, Moe. Don't feel bad. There's too much emphasis on looks these days.

Hm-hmm. I love you, Homie. Mmm. I don't need her at all anymore.

Halfback passes to center! Back to wing! Back to center! Center holds it! Holds it! Holds it!

Every time we say good-bye I die A little Every time we say good-bye I wonder why a little Every time we say Good-bye Good-bye.

just put it in my left hand.

I appreciate your passion on behalf of your medium. But I'm afraid we're out of options. Television must go. May God have mercy on our souls.

Oh, Simpson. What are you doing here? My wife's having a girls' night out. Ah, just get one of those inflatable women. But make sure it's a woman though. 'Cause one time I-- Come on. I'll, uh-- I'll give you a ride home.

Oh, boy! Buffalo testicles! Mmm! No, Dad, they're apples. Yuck! Well, that's it. I don't want anything to do with this wagon train of death. Either switch to apples, or go on without me.

Come on. Let me cut you a brownie while they're still hot. Dad, I'm kind of edgy right now. I'd appreciate you not coming in my room screaming and brandishing a butcher knife. Why? Oh, right. The Sideshow Bob thing. Oh, I'm sorry, boy.

You bet your sweet bippy. What a shrill, pointless decade. During her years on the lam, Simpson led an exemplary life working as a crossing guard, oral historian, reader for the blind, listener for the deaf and reacher for the short.

Where's Maggie? Where's Maggie? Hey, where is she? There you are. Hi, Maggie. I'm Homie-womie, the Teletubbie. And I'm all man, in case you heard otherwise. Let's see what's on tummy-vision.

We have captured your president. He was delicious. Why, you little... Wait A minute. Does this mean you like my present? Uh-huh.

Eine Minuten! Eine Minuten! Aah! Das wagenfon ist eine nuisance phone! - Buenos noches, mein FÜhrer. - Ja, ja.

In that family, nobody trusted nobody. They even brought their lawyers to Thanksgiving dinner. So, uh, how's everybody doing? You don't have to answer that. Shut up, all of you, or I'll sue.

Great material. We'll be right back. Sit perfectly still. Only I may dance. "just do the line." "just do the line." What's gonna happen to me?

Okay, drop the knife, Stabitha! Great grilled-cheese ghost! We've uncovered a hard-core cracker house. There's enough Chinese sky candy here... to put you boys away for a long time. I can't go to juvie. They use guys like me as currency! Yeah. They'll pass you around like--

"Activities: none. Sports: none. Honors: none." So many memories. Time to go to the reunion.

You've got to show me exactly what you did.

Uh, it's not 5:30 yet.

This is just like one of those bad dreams! What are you gonna do, Mr. Simpson? Actually, I've been working on a plan. During the exam, I'll hide under some coats... and hope that somehow everything will work out. Or with our help, you can cram like you've never crammed before!

Daddy. Da-- Da-- Da-- - Yes? - Domer. Why, you little-- Aah!

Hmm, studio's closed until Tuesday. Animators have A.A. on Monday. Hmm. Well, you can stay at my house until then. My parents won't mind because they won't even know about it. All right. The coast is clear. There's a box you can sleep in. Thanks. - just move that cot outta the way. - Okay.

Marge kicked me out. All right. Go ahead. Pushy kids think they can tell me what to do in my house.

You call this a soccer riot? Come on, boys. Let's take 'em to school! Oi! Oi! Oi!

D'oh! Oh, woe is me. Homie, come to bed. Oh, Marge, I'm going to be fired. I know it. Don't worry. Whatever happens, we'll pay the bills somehow. Marge, it's not the money. My job is my identity. If I'm not a safety "whatchamajigger," I'm nothing.

Silence! I give you the jury of the damned! Benedict Arnold. Lizzie Borden. Richard Nixon. But I'm not dead yet. In fact, I just wrote an article for Redbook. Hey, listen, I did a favor for you. Yes, master.

No. No. Friggin' kids. I do not need this. - I've got a master's degree in folklore and mythology. - Excuse me.

Its hours are 9:00 a.m. to 5:00 p.m."

Everybody-- Everybody get naked! Come on. Don't be stuck-up. It's going to be great.

Lisa, don't... contradict... your... elders. My hair. You chopped off my hair! Oh, God, I'm ugly!

I'll do it this afternoon.

Oh, the hammock district.

Oh, where's a gun-toting lowlife when you need one? Sorry. I was in the can. Ah, perpetual twilight, bathed in the glow of Burns brand electricity. Hello, lamppost. Whatcha knowin'?

Ooh ! Hey, that got her goin' ! Bitchin' ! Bart ! You don't even care ! You don't even care !

- Oh, nothing. - Hey. That's my lucky red hat sittin' on top... of a double-corrugated, eight-fold, 14-gauge box. Oh, it sounds like you really learned something on your field trip. Think you'd be interested in a career as a box maker? Well, that'll always be the dream.

The intruder appears to be a young male, age nine to eleven. Release the hounds.

I took Hercules out to be clipped. Who the devil is Hercules? My Yorkshire terrier. He's tiny. You know, it's a joke. Here's a picture of Hurky. Wheww.

- Where'd you get those pajamas? - They're presidential pajamas. You have to be president, and you're not president. Yes, I am.

Oh, Cousin Merl, really! Temper, temper. You know Cousin Merl ain't been quite right lately. I'm telling you, Cecil, I can't take much more of this! Rustic workmen who have turned the Sanijohn into a smokehouse. Coveralls that don't quite cover all. And a psychotic little boy who will not stop hounding me!

Don't you serve anything that's even remotely japanese? Don't ask me. I don't know anything. I am product of American education system. I also build poor-quality cars and inferior-style electronics. Oh, they got our number.

- Oh, Fat Tony. - What?

What about Bob Hope? He's been consistently popular for over 50 years. So has Sinatra. Well, anyway, we were all getting tired of--

Marge, I'm sorry. But it wasn't my fault. Liquors drunkened me. If I had known there were loose women in Las Vegas, I would never have let you go! Look, I did marry her, but I abandoned her. Amber, tell her how I abandoned you! This is the worst thing you've ever done!

We've got him now.

Assemble the aluminum j-channel using self-furring screws. Install. What do I do in case-- After applying brushable coating to the panels-- Wait a minute. you'll need corrosion-resistant metal stucco lath. Wait a minute! If you can't find metal stucco lath-- Uh-huh? use carbon-fiber stucco lath. Ohh! Now parge the lath.

All right, all right. So he's a fraud. I don't care. His mom doesn't care. Do any of you care? Nope, not me. I guess not.

NeXt, on Exploitation Theater-- Blacula, followed by Blackenstein, and the Blunchblack of Blotre Blame. Whoo! Funky. But first, this word.

Oh, Bart, that's so sweet.

We watch Springfield's oldest man meet Springfield's fattest man. He's not so fat. And we visit with heavyweight champion Dredrick Tatum who reminisces about growing up in Springfield. It was a dump. If you see me there, you know I up bad.

Mmm. Baby on board. Baby on board Something, something Burt Ward This thing writes itself! I'm tellin' you it's mighty nice

Well, I studied art, and this guy's got a real gift. You kiddin'? Look. He painted a unicorn in outer space. I'm asking you. What's it breathing? Air. Ain't no air in space. There's an air and space museum. Oh, God! My back!

I'm giving them a foot massage. At least let me have that. You can start with the corns. Then you can move on to bunion country.

And I ain't talking about stamp collecting. Though, I do find that extremely interesting. Oh, yeah? Well, that makes two of us. You know, boys, there is an old saying down on the bayou that, uh-- Whee! He's gradually getting away, Chief.

You don't belong here. Huh ? You don't belong here. You're a fraud and a phony, and it's only a matter of time until they find you out. Who told you ? You did. You told me with the way you slump your shoulders, the way you talk into your chest, the way you smother yourself... in bargain-basement lime-green polyester.

Like, we gave them up when we started living like freaky beatniks. You don't believe in rules, yet you want to control Ned's anger. Yeah. You've gotta help us, Doc. We've tried nothing, and we're all out of ideas. Hmm. There is an experimental therapy... that might help Ned contain his anger.

Hey, Homer, you're missin' out on some fun!

Thanks for your help with the anchor, guys. Guys? That pig looks like Lenny. Hey! Mmm! That's the next best thing to eating Lenny.

Well, I don't need safety gloves, because I'm Homer Simp--

- na-na, na-na, na-na, na-na - fishing na-na, na-na, na-na, na-na fishing fishing fishing - Hi, how are y-- Fishing It certainly is a beautiful day. We should thank the Leader. Who the hell is that? Some kind of leader? Yes. He's the head of our perfect family.

It was the best Thanksgiving ever.

Now, then-- Computer, kill Flanders. Did I hear my name? My ears are burning. Good start. Now finish the job. Oh, you're busy. Catch you later, "computator." Oh, $5,000 for a computer, and it can't handle a simple assignment.

Wow. What happened, Dad? They didn't really burn her, did they? Of course they didn't, honey. "Just then, Sir Lancelot rode up on a white horse and saved Joan of Arc. They got married and lived in a spaceship. The end." Well, it's easier to chew than that Bambi video.

but I’ve perfected a device that could save us all. A time machine. - We can go back to the past and save our guns. - Gimme! Aw, for flavin' out loud. I hope he doesnt do anything to ruin the space-time continuum. That's all l- Oh, dear.

Now, who has the most urgent problem? I have a recurring dream in which I'm falling. Oh, well-- Come right this way, Mel. Tim, hold my calls. Mmm. I'm a shepherd without a flock.

Oh, that's just what I need. Another piranha in the tank. Well, it's country music or Rock and roll A little more high test, darlin'? Sure thing, Gwen.

I come from a town called Springfield. And my dream is to go back and become principal of the elementary school. Some people might call that a pretty corny dream, uh, Sergeant.

I'd like to put this filth behind us and let's all enjoy Lisa Simpson's rendition of "Stormy Leather." Uh, "Weather."

Hello, this is Bob "What the hell am I doing in Springfield" Hope. Hey, how about that Mayor Quimby? He's some golfer! His golf ball spends more time underwater than Greg Louganis.

Marge, come on! (GRUNTS) We'll be safe in the gas chamber. (GRUNTS) (SQUEAKING) I want you to look into the faces of those poor men. Each one is a life you made worse with your ratting.

You're fired. And with good cause.

What's on TV? Nutsy the Clown. Oh, boy! Oh, boy! Oh, boy! Well, I think it's good for a show to go off the air before it becomes stale and repetitive. Maggie shot Mr. Burns again!

- Ow. - Hee-hee-hee. - Ow. - Hee-hee-hee. - Ow. - Hee-hee-hee. This is a rather lifeless outing.

I was sold to China for slave labor. Since '77, I've been making sneakers at gunpoint... in a sweatshop in Huhan. That's not a funny story. Well, I guess you had to be there. Anyhow, the U.N. shut the factory down last week, and the embassy shipped me home, and here I am.

Well, enough talk. Let's snuggle.

If ever I would leave you It wouldn't be in summer! (BOOING) Ladies and gentlemen, let's kill every child... ...friendly thing in town!

- There's no other explanation. - Wait! Look! Mr. Sparkle, a joint venture of Matsumura Fishworks... and Tamaribuchi Heavy Manufacturing Concern. Hey, it was all a coincidence.

It's for the woman who only has four-fifths of a second to get ready. Close your eyes, Marge. And now you're ready for a night on the town. Homer, you've got it set on "whore." Uh, OOP-- Okay.

I'll sign your petition.

Oh, no. It's Dad. What's going on? And I want a nongay explanation! Uh, we're drunk. Really drunk. Oh, thank God!

Mr. Simpson, I guarantee you... we'll come up with a commercial that can save your business. You know those radio ads where two people with annoying voices yammer back and forth? I invented those. Ow! Happens all the time.

apple nail polish remover-- Don't forget applesauce. Yeah. I suppose you could grind some pills into it. Aw.

Ooh, Ice Creamville. No, Screamville.

People are gonna notice those trees are gone. Eh, Congressman, this is where it gets awkward. I-- I never quite know how to put this. I just want to-- Offer me a bribe? Oh, what is it?

I'm coming, sweetheart! I'll save you, Lisa! (RUMBLING) Oh, my God! Oh! Ooh.

Itchy, Scratchy, Poochie, Austin Powers Itchy, Itchy Poochie, Scratchbob Itchpants, Confederate Itchy and Osama Bin Scratchy. (IMPRESSED MURMURS) That sucked. Well, at least I've still got my health... - (GRUNTS) - (HONKING)

Ooh, that's bad. But it comes with a free frogurt. That's good. The frogurt is also cursed. That's bad. But you get your choice of topping. That's good! The toppings contain potassium benzoate. That's bad.

Ew. We're gonna do our grocery shopping at a 99-cent store? Well, maybe for your wedding. How about here? Not if we want that vacation.

Parades just bring out so many emotions in me-- joy, excitement, looking.

That's it! Cinch it up around the neck. This is a gross misuse of school property. Where are the dodge balls? Ow! Ow! Ohh! All right. That's it. I'm writing all your names on the detention list in my mind.

Thank you for coming. I'll see you in hell.

I gotcha. Well, two can play at that game. Yeow!

You're probably wondering about the coat hangers. They're to block the satellite that's been spying on me. Okay.

I've tried jeckling them. It's time I made myself a scarecrow.

I accidentally burned up the tree... and the presents. I'm really sorry. You little-- Lisa, no! Your hands are too weak. Stop that. I'm gonna kill him.

They're for family protection, hunting dangerous or delicious animals, and keeping the king of England out of your face.

He's cut. I cut you!

All right. What's going on here? We can't allow you to destroy these beautiful trees, which have the same rights you have.

Well, Bart's been acting very strangely, and that pizza delivery truck has been parked across the street for two weeks. How long does it take to deliver a pizza? - Our cover's blown. - Let's roll.

I'm facing a crisis, and I didn't know to whom to turn. All right. Mother's gone too far. She's put cardboard over her half of the television. We rented Man Without a Face. I didn't even know he had a problem! What should I do? Well, maybe you should read your Bible. Um, any particular passage?

Thank you. I just wish Ben and Hoss and Little joe... and Hop Sing and Sheriff Roy and all your favorites... could be alive today to see this wonderful turnout. You know, on the series, we were always trying to kill the Cartwrights.

A fart was detected.

Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! I can't! I'm the designated driver! Yeah, that's swell. Duff wholeheartedly supports the designated driver program. Now, who wants to party?

So we have to do it right. Fallout Boy will untie Radioactive Man... and pull him to safety... moments before he's hit with a 40-foot wall of sulfuric acid... that will horribly burn everything in its path. Now, that's real acid, so I want to see goggles, people. Real acid?

Your teenage son or daughter will think this wishbone necklace is really cool. I doubt my son or daughter is that stupid.

Your husband sees you as nothing, as nothing. The pig has made you into his mother, his mother. You are not the hot love object you deserve to be, deserve to be, deserve to be. If he doesn't start loving, leave him, leave him, leave him, leave him.

Anyone want some coffee for the ride back? Not that convenience store crap, is it? Because I don't feed that to my dogs. No, no. It's home-brewed. Careful. It's hotter than a Fox News weather skank. Oh, my! Hot! Hot! Hot! La, la, la, la, la, la, la. Here. Let me wrap this wet towel around your head to cool you off.

Hey, you! Where'd you get that saxophone? Sears. Get him! I got him! I got him!

I were to purchase fast food and disguise it as my own cooking?

Pass the cookie dough.

Let me get this straight. You took all the money you made franchising your name... and bet it against the Harlem Globetrotters? Oh! I thought the Generals were due! He's spinning the ball on his finger! just take it! Take the ball!

Did-- You had arthritis? Um, no.

Please, please, kids. Stop fighting. Maybe Lisa's right about America being a land of opportunity, and maybe Adil has a point about the machinery of capitalism... being oiled with the blood of the workers.

Ew! Don't mind me, boys. just scrubbin' my undies. Sorry, Bart. Your dad kinda blew the fantasy. I only like it when I'm pretend-scared. Keep up the roughhousing, Son. Without a strong male presence in the house, you could turn sissy overnight. Oh, these stubborn grass stains.

You've been safety inspector for two years. What initiatives have you spearheaded? Uh... all of them? I see. Then you must have some good ideas for the future as well. I sure do!

Uh... how did Dad propose to you ? Oh. Well-- Well, uh, Miss Bouvier, I think we found the reason why you've been throwing up in the morning. Congratulations. Doh ! Oh, hmm.

Skinner! Seymour! Mother.

Wow! V8 juice isn't one-eighth gasoline. And Ted Koppel is a robot. There's you, Dad! Yea! Tomorrow on Rock Bottom. He's a foreigner... who takes perverted videos of you when you least suspect it. He's Rowdy Roddy Peeper.

PHONIC FROG: Aw. Buh. Kkk. Huh-Oh-Muh-Eh-Er. (LAUGHING) That's me. Huh-Oh-Muh-Eh-Er. This is Huh-Oh-Muh-Eh-Er's doctor. He's too sick to work today. (CHUCKLING) I'll be right back.

You know what's great about you, Betty, is you're letting your looks go gracefully. You're not all hung up on looking attractive and desirable. I-it's just so rare and refreshing. So, Moe, tell me a little about yourself. Myself. Uh, geez. Um, I gotta go to the can again.

up, up and away

"Who was this Homer ?" Was it a man or was it, in fact, the legendary missing link known as Bigfoot ? Could I have some applesauce ? Specialists gathered at the Springfield Primate Institute... for a firsthand examination of the controversial creature. They are now ready to announce their findings. Uh, ladies and gentlemen,

No war. Shalom. ANNOUNCER: Followed by Chloe's triumphant return to her depressing little hometown, Springfield. Hello, Ned. Hey, Comic Book Guy. Krusty the Clown, I thought he was dead. Yeah. I guess you ain't been to too many supermarket openings lately.

as our own Chimpendale's dancer... gives you the full monkey! I believe in miracles Take it off! Where you from you sexy thing Sexy thing, you Bart.

They took my money, they wrecked my show,

Yeah, well, I-- Ooh! Oh! Oh, that's it. I'm gonna report this to me member of parliament. Hey! Gus! I got somethin' to report to ya! That's a bloody outrage, it is! I'm gonna take this all the way to the prime minister.

I really think you should throw it away. Suggestion noted. Marge, I'd like to be alone with the sandwich for a moment. Are you going to eat it? Yes.

Oh, it feels so good to talk to another human being! Stupid Flanders. Hey, Homer, I need to ask you a favor. My babysitter canceled, and I got tickets to a Christian rock concert. It's gonna be one wholesome evening. So, you think Marge could take care of Rowdy Roddy and Typhoon Todd?

Oh. My tattered rags... are caught on your coffee table.

If you're here, then you've fallen asleep too. I'm not asleep. I'm just resting my eye-- Uh-oh. Good-bye, Bart. Good-bye, Lise. I hope you get reincarnated as someone who can stay awake for 15 minutes.

We're just gonna have to wait and see.

Happy Halloween, everybody!

Yes, ma'am. I'd like to return to your wonderful Sunday school, please. Uh, but, Bart, we banned you from Sunday school. You were happy. We were happy. Everybody was happy, particularly the hamster. I've changed my ways.

That guy cheapens our whole profession. What do you think of him, Internet Comic?

Fist Face? Who's Fist Face? Why won't you tell me who Fist Face is? I demand you reveal the identity of Fist Face! It's you!

What's for dessert? Bart, if you don't want to have a babysitter, maybe you should stop being such a baby. Oh, I'm a baby, huh? Well, then I'll act like a baby. Ga-ga! Goo-goo! Even babies know how to open and close their mouths.

Johnny Tightlips, where'd they hit you? I ain't sayin' nothin'.

Dad, we're running out of clean clothes. It seems like I've been wearing this same red dress forever. Go up to the attic. There's a whole trunk of clothes up there.

You certainly have a lot of bowling trophies.

Uh, but it does seem the father of the deposed beauty queen, Homer Simpson, filled out the pageant application incorrectly. In the area under "Do not write in this space," he wrote, "Okay". If it wasn't for me, you'd still be queen.

I can't believe it! Five hundred bucks! just think what I can do with that money. Five hundred dollars on red. The winner is black. Cool!

Stupid switch! I wish I had my reaching broom. One, ha-ya-yah. Wait a minute. There's probably a--

How's that fire ring coming? Is it sacred yet? Almost. Can you believe it? Tradition forbids me even to speak to the woman... I'm about to spend my life with. Has the whole world gone crazy? Nah. Just your screwy country.

just a second. No, it's a place I've never been before. Uh-huh. The shower. Hey! I don't want to alarm you, Marge,

unless you want to taunt me more by giving me an approximate time. We'll be right back. I get to say that! Son, we want to help you catch that plug-ugly yegg. Dad, the best way for you to help is to set a good example.

The kick is up. It's looking good. The ball is turning into a fat, bald guy. Aahh! oof! It's no good, and you know what we say... Every time something strange happens-- it's good that Bart did that. It's very good. Hyuk, hyuk, hyuk.

Pretty, huh, Chief? It sure is, Lou. It sure is. Get the tear gas. EaCh trip's A trip to paradise with my baby on board

She's 100 years old, and she weighs over 200 tons. This enormous woman will devour us all! Aaah! I-- I meant the statue. Okay. Gilligan, the Skipper, and Chief Wiggum.

Now, Burnsie, there's one thing we don't stand for in the Hellfish, and that's trying to kill your commanding officer. So consider this your dishonorable discharge. You're out of my unit. You're out of the tontine. And that means the paintings are mine! Private, you are dismissed!

You can still win money if you have five out of six. Woo-hoo!

I'll give you this bottle of chloroform if you'll take us to the Who.

Dateline, Springfield. The elusive Beer Baron... continued to thumb his nose at authorities. Swaggering about in a garish new hat, he seemed to say, "look at me, Rex Banner. I have a new hat."

Leave it in as evidence. Bazooka joe's got deep pockets.

Really, the only word for it is-- Hmm. What's the English equivalent for ? I'd say "transcendent."

Burn, baby, burn Burn, baby, burn I can't believe he's paying us a thousand bucks to pretend it's the '70s. Disco Stu is working pro bono.

(SCREAMING) Mr. Simpson, please stop! You think I can't kill you? There's a hundred little punks graduating from Syracuse this year that would beg to kiss my ass! Get outta here! (WHIMPERING) He's crazy! Hey, these are Red Vines!

Behold! The ultimate Pog! I'll take it!

Wait a minute. Bronchial tubes clearing. Asthma disappearing. Acne... remains. But asthma disappearing.

Hmm. Am I wrong, or did it just get fatter in here?

Mr. Burns was shot Friday at 3:00 p.m., the very time that Smithers was at home watching Pardon My Zinger. So, you see, he couldn't have done it. Yes, you're right. I remember now. I-- I watched that entire show. In fact, I left the town meeting early so I could get home in time.

Court is now in session. All rise. Ha, ha. Made you rise. Your Honor,

- Quick, look out the window. - No way, Bart. If I lean over, I leave myself open to wedgies, wet willies, or even the dreaded rear admiral.

Not a quarter! Arr! He'll be dancing for hours.

I don't know why I leave this lying around. I've sold monorails to Brockway, Ogdenville and North Haverbrook. Is there a chance the track could bend? I call the big one Bitey. I've sold monorails to Brockway, Ogdenville and North Haverbrook. Is there a chance the track could bend?

"Kwyjibo." Uh-- A big, dumb, balding, North American ape with no chin. And a short temper. I'll show you a big, dumb, balding ape ! Uh-oh. Kwyjibo on the loose.

Your family is better than my family ! Your beer comes from farther away than my beer ! You and your son like each other ! Your wife's butt is higher than my wife's butt ! You make me sick ! Simpson, I'm afraid I'm gonna have to ask you to leave.

"kickin' it: A Musical journey Through The Betty Ford Center." You know, when I was a girl, I always dreamed of being in a Broadway audience. How do you find the defendant? He's guilty of mayhem exposure indecent

Hello? Is anybody there? Aww!

Why are we cleaning this room? I don't think we were even in here. Honey, we want Mr. Burns to find this place exactly the way he left it. Whoa!

Coochy coochy coo! Stop. Please stop. Oh, you swing like a girl. Come on, now. Please have mercy. Got your nose. Not funny. How 'bout this little bee? No! Oh! Remember your hippopotamus oath.

Oh, no. What have I done? What am I doing? What will I do? The politics of failure have failed. We need to make them work again. Tomorrow, when you are sealed in the voting cubicle, vote for me, Senator ka--

What in the-- How frightfully rude! I certainly hope someone stabs him in the eye.

Is this Saturday ?

Thank you, cast of The Lion King. And now for our grand finale, the superstar of David, Mr. T!

No guac in mine.

Sounds like that gopher I caught in me lawn mower. Ew, I'd hate to be that kid's father. Uh-oh.

It makes my blood boil-- and my left arm feel numb. Also, I taste copper. Quick! Someone perform C.P.R.! I see a bad moon risin' That's C.C.R. Uh, uh--

Don't worry, son. just 'cause you're trapped doesn't mean you can't live a full life. I brought you your Krusty doll. Ow! Knock it off, you bald boob! Don't make me come down there! Like to see you Fit. Why, you little...! Put a man on him.

Higher! Bye-bye, fishies! Higher! Higher! I'm soaring! Soaring majestically like a candy wrapper caught in an updraft.

Hey, Homer, this house sucks. Bart, I told you not to use that word. Call me "Daddy". Homer. Bart!

One, two, three o'clock four o'clock rock Five, six, seven o'clock Eight o'clock rock Rock, rock, rock, rock, rock Rock, rock, rock Rock, rock, rock We're gonna rock, gonna rock Around this clock tonight

Is that normal? Yeah, he's just playing Wiggle Puppy.

Todd, would you like mixed vegetables? Hell no. What did you say? I don't want any damn vegetables. All right. No Bible stories for you tonight. Weren't you a little hard on him? Well, you knew I had a temper when you married me.

Hi, there. I'm your daddy. Mmm!

And I'm teen sensation Britney Spears. And I'm Kent Brockman! With Britney Spears! And we're here to present the-- - 65th-- - Annual-- - Spring-- - field-- - Pride A-- - wards!

It was her ticker. The doc said her left ventricle burst. Oh, no, Jasper. They may say she died of a burst ventricle, but I know she died of a broken heart.

Bart! What in the name of high school football? Out of my way! I'm Hitler! Oh! Oh! Man, that hurts!

Oh! I'm not gonna lie to you, Marge. So long! Aw, rats. Another gutter ball.

Hey, volleyball. Can I play later? Hi, Apu. Oh, dear. You have ruined my work, you flying fat man. Hey! Step on it, Mom. Dad's signaling that he wants to go higher.

Now, here's a clip from 1973. Try to run, try to hide break on through to the other side Yeah! What was I on?

starting with... Miss Montana. A beaut from Butte. Miss South Carolina. Nothin' could be finer. - Miss Delaware. - She, uh-- Good for her.

I look exactly the same, you moron!

That was a phone call. Don't chalk that up to mistrust. Yes? What happened? When did that happen? How much of it? Oh, my goodness. I'll be right up. Homer, I gotta go upstairs. There's a problem. Somebody ate part of my lunch.

Mmm, split-pea. With ham!

Mom, is that Principal Skinner sleeping in the Bed of Tomorrow? Rise and shine, sleepyhead. You'll be late for the next rocket to the moon! He's never going to get up. He's got no legs.

"Go away." Hmm.

That can't be true, honey. If it were, I'd be terrified.

A problem with the reactor?! We're all going to die! Run! Mmm... mmm. Did you get the job? Nah, they wanted someone good. Story of my life. Oh, Homey.

You mean I shaved my bikini zone for nothing?

(GIGGLING) HOMER: You're on my hair! Oh, that's better.

Mr. Simpson, under Nevada law, bigamy, or "Mormon Hold 'Em," is perfectly legal.

You know what really "aggravateses" me is them "immigants." They want all the benefits of living in Springfield, but they ain't even bothered to learn themselves the language. Yeah. Those are exactly my "sentimonies." Yeah! Yeah, you said it, Barn.

Geez! What happened to you, Wiggum? You look terrible. Yeah, never mind how I look. Are you gonna give me the money or not? Well, I don't think so. You don't even have a trigger on that thing. Yeah, I had to sell the trigger and most of the handle to feed my family. Come on! Give me the dough! I can throw this pretty hard! Poor Wiggum. Poor Wiggum.

from heaven right now-- Change the channel, Marge.

Becoming a cop is not something that happens overnight. It takes one solid weekend of training to get that badge. Forget about the badge! When do we get the freakin' guns! Hey, I told you. You don't get your gun until you tell me your name. I've had it up to here with your "rules."

Her brother had this to say. Lisa is a nut. She has a rubber butt. Every time she turns around, it goes putt putt. Indeed. But that rubber butt doesn't have much time for turning around these days. It's pointed squarely in the face of the administration.

Stacy, please. I must have you back. just come for a ride with me in my mobile command unit. Joe, I told you. It's over. - Release me from your kung fu grip. - Fine. I'll bomb your house into the ground, missy!

- Um, I'm right here. - Oh, I see.

Now for my favorite part of the show.

That wasn't so bad. Huh? Ow! Ow! Ow!

Hm. Hm. Hm. Mmm! Mmm! Forbidden doughnut.

This Saturday, for one night only, your life will be changed forever. Saturday ! Saturday ! Saturday at the Springfield Speedway ! Speedway, Speedway ! Don "Crusher" Woodard, John "The Skunk" Trumane... and the Team Tomomatsu Dirt Riding Dunk Masters... in the year's biggest Monster Truck Rally ! One night only. Plus, the amazing, the astounding, the unbelievable Truckasaurus !

One, two, three. "Community Chest." Nah. Nah. Ah! I've won second prize in a beauty contest. Collect ten bucks. Ha, ha! You're losing. Bart, don't feed your sister hotels. Don't worry. There's tons.

Yes. I am in flavor country. Both of them? It's a big country.

Bart, I don't want to alarm you, but there may be a bogeyman or bogeymen in the house. Hmm.

Come on, Mom. Yeah, Mom. Hurry up. All right. Mmm. How about "he" ? Two points. Your turn, dear. Hmm. How could anyone make a word out of these lousy letters ? Oh, wait. Here's a good one. "Do."

Hey! Lise! Lise, come here! I found Edgar Neubauer! Oh, my God! The dead have risen, and they're voting Republican! No, Bart! Don't you see? Dead people can't vote!

Ohh ! I knew you'd blow it ! Dad ? What is it, boy ? I thought your car was really cool. Thanks, boy. I was waiting For someone to say that.

Okay, good deed, good deed. Hello! Hey, a chance for a good deed! Huh? No! She's mine! Oh, my Lord! Hey! Wha-- Wha-- Wha-- What's happening to me? People can see up my bustle!

Beans, beans, the musical fruit. The more you eat, the more you toot.

Okay, Bart, tomorrow we'll blast your quads.

So, kids, what do you wanna play? Good Samaritan! I get to clothe the leper! Lucky! Suppertime, boys. Oh, boy! Liver! Iron helps us play!

Thank you for coming. I'll see you in hell. All right. These are our new family security rules.

I don't like you hanging around some waitress. You make it sound so seamy. All I did was spend the afternoon in her trailer... watching her try on some outfits. Hi, Lurleen. We were just talking about you. I think I can come over. Let me ask my wife.

Welcome back, Bart !

Mr. Burns has been shot. Just a minute. This isn't Mr. Burns at all.

Hey. Wait a minute! There's no such thing as a talkin' dog. Damn straight.

Don't, Bart ! He's a friend of Nelson Muntz ! Ooh ! Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah ! Wha--

Oh, I'll never get rid of this useless junk. Useless? This flash cube has two flashes left. You guys never use any of this stuff. Look at these. You bought them after the Nagano Olympics and never skied once. If you would just stop being so impulsive, maybe-- Hey, let's go skiing right now!

There's a dented can sale down at Tregman's. (GROANS) This is one problem damaged food can't solve. Wow. You really are down. Hey, you ever think of adoption? The adoption process! That'll end the heartbreak! Hey, hey, hey! That foot's not dead, it's just asleep.

Oh. We're going to have another baby.

on a has-been planet orbited by a cold, indifferent sun! A ship! A ship with people! I know. I'll bring them to me. And then they'll have to be my friends. Come here, people!

So long, Stampy. I know you're gonna like it here. No, Stampy, no! Oh, thanks, boy. Whoa! Whoa, boy! Wh-Whoa!

Duck, duck, duck, duck. Duck, duck, duck, duck.

Only who can prevent forest fires? You pressed "You," referring to me. That is incorrect. The correct answer is you.

Lisa, just because you're 10 feet tall doesn't mean you can tell me what to do. I'm Bart.

By the way, congratulations on your new job, Homer. New job? Marge is pregnant? Noooo!

- and he filled our hearts - with love

Shut up. I'm over as far as I can go. All right! All right! I'll walk in the mud. Homer? - Marge? - Yeah. You want a ride?

Hey, I'm covering the UN Women's Conference in Capital City tomorrow. You want to come with me? Oh, that'd be wonderful! Oh, I'd have to ask my mom. You can ask her right now. She's glaring at us from the front lawn. Marge, it's my fault we're a little late.

Homie, I can't quite fit. Faucet's jammed into my back. I'm stuck. So am I. Kids! Kids!

And although Rover here may not know it, he is participating in a ritual as old as time itself. He is giving birth to a hole. Or consider the dolphin, nature's most filmed creature. Even they have holes. Blowholes!

Ahh! Ah, God! Whaaaa- Moe, thank God you saved my baby! That hideous man is a hero!

Bad enough to hit yourself over the head with the phone? Oh! You got it! Ow! Ow! Ooh, blood. What the-- If this is anyone but Steve Allen, you're stealing my bit.

'Cause you make me feel you make me feel you make me feel like A natural woman Oh, yeah!

and the dogs pooping and nobody scooping... and the- We need a family that hasnt been on TV forever. Let's try the Simpsons. I like what I'm seeing in there. I'll teach you to whistle on the Sabbath.

Wow. McBain is really buffed up. You could grate cheese on those abs. Yeah. But can he do this?

Hmm? We think we saw Hugo at the airport. He was boarding a plane to Switzerland, and-- Oh.

Look! That's Lisa Leslie. She showed little girls everywhere... that they can grow up to be 6 foot 5.

(KIDS LAUGHING) Hey, Bart. Me and Mrs. Krabappel, we're gonna go play some backgammon, if you know what I mean. I don't. But I hope you win. Oh, he's gonna win. Some guys like a challenge, not me. Ladies and gentlemen. Before we begin,

I don't know but I've been told The Parthenon is mighty old How old We don't know That's real good but needs improvement

Whenever we ask her where she's been all this time, she changes the subject. And just now when a police car drove by, she ran into the house. Yeah, I don't trust her either. I was going through her purse. Look what I found. "Mona Simpson. Mona Stevens. "Martha Stewart. Penelope Olsen. Muddy Mae Suggins?"

Hey, you guys think Homer's mad at me? I waved at him in the parking lot and he stared right through me. I left the People's Republic for this? Yo, Michelle, you got a boyfriend? Not in here, I don't.

Okay, I finished the gardening sequence. Okay, from here we star wipe to a glamour shot of Flanders paying his bills. Then we star wipe to Flanders brushing his-- Dad, there are other wipes besides star wipes. Why eat hamburger when you can have steak? I'm taking my name off this thing.

Okay, everybody. Let's see some big smiles. just relax and let the hooks do their work. What the hell are you smiling at? Oh. Now, in case all that smiling didn't cheer you up,

Fool me twice, shame on Wu!

wanna know if he loves you So it's in his kiss All right, boy, come on. Today we're gonna-- But is it in his faCe? oh, no, it's just his charm Gonna what, Homer?

Listen, Marge... uh... how would you feel if I told you the dog ran away? Homer, that's awful.

- (GASPING) - (SHOCKED CRY)

Well, Seymour, I made it-- despite your directions. Ah. Superintendent Chalmers. Welcome. I hope you're prepared for an unforgettable luncheon. Yeah.

Say, Terwilliger's a Yalie. Bob, come along! We need an eighth... to row against the Princeton alums. Princeton! Stroke! Stroke!

Well, well, well.

Um-- Oh, excuse me. Could you tell me where I might find the Burns O's?

And now it's time for me to go to hell. Ow! Ooh! Ooh! Ah! Oy! Oy! Ooh! Ow! Dead. (SOBBING)

Twelve bucks ! Hey, I can bleed. Hey, you've gotta be 18 to sell your blood. - Let's see some I.D. - Here you go, doll face. - Hmm. Okay, Homer. just relax. - Ow ! At the risk of losing my voice,

Hello, Marge. This Saturday ?

Thanks, Tom. I really appreciate that. (CHUCKLES) So I... You know, I was wondering... Yes? Would you like to come to my celebrity racquetball tournament? I'll have to check my schedule. (GRUNTS) (LISA GRUNTS) I'll give you a first-round bye. Gotta go, Tom. I'll think about it.

like linseed oil or Dr. Shumway's-- Shh! I'm sorry.

He's Max Power's oldest and dearest friend. What's this wrapped in a banana leaf? Mmm. Smells like mint. Oh, I spit my gum in there. Eww. Where'd you meet this Trent Steel-- Moe's? No way! This guy's a winner. He has a company that makes computers, or a computer that makes... companies.

Uh-oh, SpaghettiOs!

When will you humans learn... that your "feelings," as you call them, can stand in the way of big cash payoffs?

Well, just as long as you paint a nice picture of him by noon tomorrow. I don't think I can. What ? Marge, you have to ! I can't make that man beautiful ! I'm just not good enough. I guess I'm no artist. Hello. What's this ? It's for you, Marge. From merry old England. "From the desk of Ringo Starr" !

Hang on, Son! Dad, knocking over a gravestone is bad luck. Really? I heard good.

Homer, I found this behind the radiator. I really think you should throw it away. Suggestion noted. Marge, I'd like to be alone with the sandwich for a moment. Are you going to eat it?

I want to see what's going on! No, mother! Don't look out the window! Cops! Everybody split up!

Looks like we're in trouble, Fallout Boy. Jiminy jillickers, Radioactive Man! We'll have to fight our way out. Are you ready? Yes.

"Helms calls for doughnut tax." There. Done and done.

Teacher, my shoes are making noise.

No, really. I think books have an amazing power to bring people together. Look. Even Cletus is checking one out. Now hold still. Nothing cracks a turtle like Leon Uris. Ow! Dang it! Ow!

Uh... Marge? No, Homer, I'm not your wife, although I do enjoy her pearls.

Where to start? Sheila parked in my space again. That Sheila-- She's given you problems before, hasn't she? Oh, yeah. Yeah. I don't care who she's sleeping with. That's been my space since 1981. Looking for this?

Hmm... lobotomy. That's all right, son. There's probably a downside I don't see.

And I'm a superstar at the cracker factory. You're letting me go? Kirk, crackers are a family food. Happy families. Maybe single people eat crackers. We don't know. Frankly, we don't want to know. It's a market we can do without. So that's it after 20 years-- so long, good luck?

Clarinet? Oboe? No. - Saxophone? - No. What was that last one? Saxophone. Hmm...

Wait. I'm confused about the movie. So the cops knew that Internal Affairs was setting them up?

I'm gonna make it after all Congratulations, Mrs. Simpson. You're pregnant.

and Bart's working as a courier and just came back from Hong Kong. Yes. That's a real pickle. Would you excuse me for a moment?

No. Mom, Bart and some kids ran off to wage war on Shelbyville! Homer, come quick! Bart's quit his tutoring job and joined a violence gang!

(GASPS) Scantily clad co-eds?

Look. He's fitting right now. Stan Lee came back? Stan Lee never left. And I'm starting to think that his mind is no longer in mint condition. You broke my Batmobile! Broke, or made it better?

Elmo go to wrong fundraiser.

My purpose in life is to witness this moment.

Eight, seven, six-- We want to thank Dixie brand mayonnaise. Whoo, Lordy, what a mayonnaise! Three, two-- That's Homer Simpson's computer. Oh, God! It's spreading! Happy New-- Wha--

That's hideous! Why don't you take a picture? It lasts longer! D'oh! It would have to be camera day. Wow!

No, I'm killing him first.

You guys must be getting pretty tired of that movie by now.

Okay, here are your tickets. They're supposed to be good. You're sitting with the players' wives.

Poindexter? Whoa, Lise! Those X-rays must have given you superstrength! I wonder if I got any powers. Nope. Looks normal. Wait a minute. I can stretch! Look at me! Ow! Hot, hot, hot.

Picture this. YOu-- I love it. climb the highest mountain in Springfield. The Murderhorn. Are you crazy? That's suicide. Sure! For experienced mountain climbers. But you're a movie star. And you'll have the Powersauce edge. Not for all the applesauce in GlÜckenschlabel.

I'm tired of watching you two lip wrestle. There's plenty of other ways to be grossed out.

Stealing! How could you? Haven't you learned anything from that guy who gives those sermons at church? Captain What's-his-name? We live in a society of laws! Why do you think I took you to all those Police Academy movies? For fun? Well, I didn't hear anybody laughing! Did you?

Now let's rob the bank... give the money to the poor... then rob the poor and shoot the money! Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!

- I'll kill you! - (GAGGING)

through backbreaking physical labor, resodding the field manually, seed by seed.

J Little ditty about Homer and Marge; J Her heart was as big as his stomach was large; J Oh, yeah, they say love goes on J J Long after the grilled cheese sandwich is gone JJ

Marge! We're responsible adults. Whoops. If a group of responsible adults can't handle firearms in a responsible way-- Sorry. Uh-oh. Me again. Sorry.

"All you can eat." Ha! Mr. Simpson, this is the most blatant case of fraudulent advertising... since my suit against the film The Neverending Story.

I'm impressed you were able to write so legibly on your own butt.

WEll, I'm rappin' A.B. And I'm here to say

She voted for Bob too. So did Buddy Holly, Richie Valens and The Big Bopper. Even the pet cemetery voted for Bob. Look! Mr. and Mrs. Bananas. Humphrey Boa-gart. Oh, my poor dead kitty! Please, not you too!

Don't you remember, Dad? Flanders is the unquestioned lord and master of the world. D'oh!

Hey! Hey! Get down from that bookshelf, please! Most of those books haven't been discredited yet.

It just sounds like something I would say.

Uh, Amanda Huggenkiss!

Homer no function beer well without. Would you rather have beer or complete and utter contentment? What kind of beer?

You're letting me go? Kirk, crackers are a family food. Happy families.

my son, Barney! I used to be a fat, disgusting slob. That medicine seems to be givin' your son a lot of gas. I assure you his belching is the result of an unrelated alcohol problem.

Hmm. Hmm? Whoo! Ahh. This is not a library. Whoo. Save me, Mr. X! Wait. I'm Mr. X.

That could be Dad. Station wagon. Luggage rack. I am woman hear me roar in numbers too big to ignore and i know too much to go back to pretend

on this heartwarming scene can I be A boozehound not till you're 15

Hmm. Gentlemen, I am going to catch General Sherman. - Ooh ! - Oh, my !

I don't know Homer Simpson. I never met Homer Simpson or had any contact with him, but-- I'm sorry. I-- I can't go on. That's okay. Your tears say more than real evidence ever could. Today on Ben, mothers and runaway daughters...

(BOTH GASPING) Marge, this is why people don't tell you things.

I'm afraid this gets my lowest rating ever-- seven thumbs up.

One, two, three... Ventnor Avenue. And while on Ventnor Avenue you'll be staying at the fabulous Hotel Lisa. A valet will be around shortly to park your thimble.

but I worked in a nuclear power plant for 10 years, and, uh, I think I know how a proton accelerator works. Well, please come down and show us. All right. I will. - In there, guys. - Thanks, Homer.

Not me! All right, Mr. Smartenheimer, that does it. First you're going to give back everything you've stolen. Then I'm sentencing you to one week of the lowest, most degrading work known to man-- janitorial work. Ahh, gee. I'm standing right here, sir. Oh, yes. Uh--

Gee, this hotrod is souped up six ways from Sunday. Never had you figured for a gearhead, Homer. Oh, yeah. I'm a real expert. What is that, a six-barrel Holley carb? You betcha. Edelbrock intakes? Nothin' but. Myohoff lifters? Oh, yeah. I made that last one up. I see.

I'm taking you out for frosty chocolate milkshakes. Yea !

It's cool in here, boy. For the rest of the summer,

You will always be a loser. Now take your check for a hundred thousand dollars and get out of my sight.

Dental plan! Lisa needs braces. Dental plan! Lisa needs braces.

Ahh. Can't get a good sarsaparilla like this back in Springfield. It "angries" up the blood. You like it, huh? Up yours!

We'll call her "Lisa Lionheart." No, "Loudmouth Lisa!" "Stupid Lisa Garbage Face!" I can't stand this any longer. Somebody please pay attention to me! Hello! Pay attention to me. Look at me! I'm Bart, I'm Bart. Look at me. Look at me. Look at me.

Sanctuary! Sanctuary! Oh, why did I teach him that word? Quick. You gotta hide me from PBS. Their bloodthirsty pursuit is made possible by a grant from the Chubb Group. Give us the money! Elmo knows where you live.

That could be Dad. Station wagon. Luggage rack. I am woman hear me roar in numbers too big to ignore and i know too much to go back to pretend

And the winner-- Furious D! Ah, man! That horse don't take no guff from nobody. Guff? I mean sh--

He sings like an angel. Oh, jingle bells Batman smells Robin laid an egg The Batmobile broke its wheel The joker got awa-- Jingle bells jingle bells jingle all The fifth grade will now favor us...

Now we have electricity. This propane tank will supply us with heat. And this doorknob, properly turned, will allow us access to the cabin. No going through the window for us.

Is that you, Apu? Whoa! Time has ravaged your once-youthful looks.

Look, kid, just take him before his mother eats him. Have a good day at work, honey.

He's a loser, Marge. Dump him. I traveled the world and the seven seas I am watching you through a camera

Testing. Testing! Testing! Testing. Testing.

"How to Loot Brazil"? I-I got it. I got it. I got it. Bart, what are you watching? Kids' show.

Buy my cereal. I didn't do it ! Oh, I wish I could believe you.

According to this book, the monorail goes over 150 miles an hour. What if something goes wrong? What if? What if I'm taking a shower and I slip on a bar of soap? Oh, my God, I'd be killed!

who holds an advanced degree in hyperbolic topology... that Homer Simpson has stumbled into... the third dimension. Sorry. Here is an ordinary square. Whoa! Whoa! Slow down, egghead.

Sometimes you gotta spoil yourself.

and weak and pathetic. No ! Bart, no ! Homer, wake up, wake up. Huh ? Oh, man.

Hey-- Hey! Huh? Wha-- Oh, cacti! Ow! Aah! Ow! Aah! Ow!

Another of Springfield's beloved citizens was murdered today. Filthy old bartender Moe Szyslak has watered down his last highball.

Bartina, until I met you, I was the loneliest warden in the penal system. Fresh. Oh, down I go.

Presenting Princess Kashmir, queen of the mysterious East.

Yeah, and then we'd get the chair. That's not what I meant.

Red gla-a-a-a-a-a-re the bombs bursting Shoot it off Poppin' way up In the ai-i-i-i-i-i-r... And

I'm just sayin' that when we die... there's gonna be a planet for the French, a planet for the Chinese, and we'll all be a lot happier. - Mr. Gumble, you're upsetting me. - No, I'm not.

Come join us, Lisa. It's so cool. You get to stay up all night drinking blood. And if you say you're a vampire,

I thought I recognized you. I gave you a plate of corn muffins back in 1947 to paint my chicken coop. And you never did it! Those corn muffins were lousy. Paint my chicken coop! Make me!

Yeah! I'm not gonna let those guys hog all the respect... while I'm out here on some stinkin' tub. That's just what those eggheads want. Well, forget it, poindexter, 'cause Krusty's back in town! Yea!

Hey! Hey! Thanks, great. All right, I'll make base camp here, and try for the summit tomorrow. Yeah, Dad. You can be the world's laziest stunt organizer. Why, you little--

There's our Broadway baby. Hey, dig that crazy rhythm. I'm just walking. Listen, I know I said I wanted to be a dancer, but-- And you Will be a dancer. Look at you, all sugar and spice instead of equations and test tubes. You're Daddy's precious dancing queen.

And he hurled a rock of rejection at anyone displaying intelligence, character, or ethnicity. (GRUNTS) Tonight, we reveal a shocking secret. Ladies, when you were selected, you were told that you'd be dating a billionaire on his private island. Well, I'm afraid we misled you.

The George Foreman Mail Sorter will let us know.

Con: You're setting a bad example for the children. Pro: I, uh, don't have to go to work. Con: You're running the air conditioner nonstop. It's freezing in here. Pro: Uh-- Uh, I love you. Con: I'm finding myself less attracted to you physically.

Who are you, and why are you ruining my retirement party?

Wait! What about Maggie's memories? Surely the innocent soul of a child will redeem mankind!

Hmm, with little tiny baby-sized gifts. Well, I'll be in the tub. By the way, congratulations on your new job, Homer. New job? Marge is pregnant?

He also brought you the speed bump, the dip sign, the 15 miles per hour speed limit on Main Street.

Why does Jesus have a lasso? 'Cause he's all man.

Oww! Where did I lose 'em?

There's hot lava under the ground!

No! No more drinking. I'm tired of looking like the world's worst mother. Oh, honey, you're not the world's worst mother. What about that freezer lady in Georgia? But what's the solution? Are we so bereft of ideas that we must revive... the antiquated notion of prohibition?

This is Kent Brockman with a special bulletin. The Lincoln squirrel has been assassinated. We'll stay with the story all night, if we have to.

All right! A chance to catch some rays.