comb.io - Clips

There was a farmer who had a dog - And Bingo was his name - Oh B-i-n-g-o B-i-n-g-o B-i-n-g-o and Bingo was his name, oh Homie, get in the car.

Krusty, this camp was a nightmare. They fed us gruel. They forced us to make wallets for export. And one of the campers was eaten by a bear. Oh, my God! Well, actually, the bear just ate his hat. Was it a nice hat? - Oh, yeah. - Oh, my God!

and it's gonna happen to us. Well, okay, let's go. Who's Tiny Tim ? Hey, Moldy, do you think Santa will be able to find... Elf County under all this snow ? I doubt it, Bubbles. We'll be sad little elves this Christmas. Oh, no! Oh, brother.

Good morning, everybody ! Good morning, Springfield ! Dimoxinil ! Whoo-hoo !

Leave no black plume as a token of the lie thy soul has spoken. Leave my loneliness unbroken ! Quit the bust above my door ! Take thy beak from out my heart... and take thy form from off my door !

Is there something wrong, Homie?

All right! Now all we need is a name.

This much I believe we can agree upon: this specimen is either a below-average human being...

Not the face! Ah, they'll be chewing on him for a while. ¡Ay, Ay, Ay! ¡La policÍA! Hey, Homer. Phone call. Hi, Homie. It's really starting to snow. I think you should come home. But, Marge, Alan Thicke is throwing knives at Ricardo Montalban.

Ye gods! To the police station, Krusty!

Where's the remote? Oh, it might as well be in China.

Clancy! Skinner! Seymour! Mother. - Patty? - Cletus! Oh, uh, Barney. Clancy! Hey, come on! You did me twice! Smithers?

Everybody up here to my square. It's safe and it's sexy. Oh, baby. Hurry, Charlie. There is not much time. I ain't goin' nowhere. I been in this square pert' near 30 seasons, and I ain't a-leavin' now.

War, huh good god, y'all What is it good For abSolutely nothing say it again say it again okay Hey, what happened to the tunes?

You can call me Ray, or you can call me Jay. Just don't call me washed up. I do three shows a day. Charlie Callas doesn't sleep in the ground. Yes, I'm still alive, and I'm making my sounds.

Eight-tenths? Donny's Discount Gas!

I've been waiting for you, Lisa. How did you know my name? Your name tag. Would you like to know your future? Sorry. I don't believe in fortune-telling. I should go. What's your hurry? Bart, Maggie and Marge are at the joust, and Homer is heckling the puppet show.

Ahh. That's sweet. What a lovely ending. They cut out the best word. Didn't that movie used to have a war in it? Come on, you. You've been warned. Picture yourself on a beautiful sailboat. Ah. Can't you just feel the sea breeze in your hair? Oh, boy.

but also became a great movie-- called Ghostbusters.

- Hey Homer, how's your car coming ? - Oh, fine. We were putting in an onboard something-or-other... and rack and peanut steering.

Oh, yuck. Meat loaf. My most hated of all loafs. That was the end piece! That's it! Being abusive to your family is one thing, but I will not stand idly by and watch you feed a hungry dog! Go to your room!

Take that, Washington! Eat lead, Einstein. - Oy! - Show's over, Shakespeare! Is this the end of zombie Shakespeare?

Our tour starts in own room where Relaxo-vision offers you the latest Hollywood hits and after midnight the finest "R" rated movies Europe has to offer.

They've all been cleared out to make way for painstaking sand preparation. That's right, Dick. This year everyone's abuzz about one thing-- the absence of Mark Rodkin. Oh, wait. There he is.

This is the stupidest thing I've ever seen. I can't believe we blew 2,000 bucks on it when right now rollers could be kneading my buttocks. Could you stop thinking about your ass? I try, but I can't.

He's down there. Crud! Do you find something comical about my appearance... - when I am driving my automobile? - Yeah. Everyone needs to drive a vehicle-- even the very tall.

Malibu Stacy, America's favorite eight-and-a-half-incher. In 1959, homemaker Stacy Lavelle had a design and a dream. The design? Malibu Stacy. The dream? To mass-market a fashion doll that was also edible.

You idiot! You're trying to kill me, man!

Aw, I don't know how to punish you. What does Marge usually do? She makes me taste beer. Come on, boy. Give your old man a little credit. Yeah? Well, I still get to punish you.

Hi, folks. I'm Mark McGwire. Big Mac himself. Who'd have thunk it? Young Bart here was right. We are spying on you pretty much around the clock.

Anyhoo, now that I'm your king again--

Occupation? Hmm. Butt doctor.

Lean, muscular children of Mars, we bring you candy. Let's walk over to them. Why walk when you can dance?

You're selling what now? I'm selling only the concept of karmic realignment. You can't sell that! Karma can only be portioned out by the cosmos. He's got me there. Is he still out there? Yes. He's raking leaves. What? That's your job!

That's the joke. You suck, McBain! Now, my Woody Allen impression. I'm a neurotic nerd who likes to sleep with little girls. Hey, that really sucked!

BART: This place looks familiar. It used to be The Leaning Tower of Pizza. They just painted the tower brown. Either way, everyone who works in the kitchen speaks Spanish.

Please wait by your vehicle between 9:00 a.m. and 5:00 p.m... for parking officer Steve-- Grabowski. They expect me to sit here from 9:00 to 5:00? That's-- How many hours? Ten, 11, denominator-- Oh! Where's Lisa when you need her?

Oh, you mean Reverend Lovejoy. No, I don't! What I mean is, to me you're just a stranger... - pretending to be something he's not. - Mmm. Oh, I'm sorry, but that's just how I feel. No, don't apologize. It's time I stopped pretending.

Would you like us to sing you a special song? - Hell, no. - You got it. Ready, Señor Beaveratti? I'm a-ready. And a-one, and a-two... You're the birthday You're the birthday You're the birthday boy or girl...

The zombies have the Earthlings on the run. Soon, the human race will wither and fall, like the earth plums we have seen on the observe-a-scope.

I'm proud of you, Mom. But just one thing, isn't your book a little hard on Dad? (NERVOUSLY) What do you mean? My book is set in whaling times. "Captain Mordecai stared at the shop "window full of powdered blow holes. "Mmm! Blow holes, he drooled." Sounds like Dad to me.

Janie, school is never a waste of time. Since we have 15 minutes until recess please put down your pencils and stare at the front of the room.

"Prinskipper Skippal"-- "Prinnipple Skipper"-- I-i found something!

sunrise, sunset cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon yes, we have no bananas Oh, that's sweet, Homer. Our son is growing up, isn't he? No, it's not that. Didn't you hear?

Well, as the tree said to the lumberjack, I'm stumped. It's like he just disappeared into fat air. Hey, shut up!

Take that, you lousy dimension! Huh? Huh? Oh, there's so much I don't know about astrophysics. I wish I read that book by that wheelchair guy.

Smithers, what are you doing up here? What are you doing with his ball? And all those other balls? Uh, there are no other balls. just these, uh, reptile eggs! Oh, step away! They're endangered.

You know, I used to think you were stuck... in an emasculating, go-nowhere job. Kids. But now, I wanna follow in your footsteps. Do you want to change your name to Homer junior? The kids can call you Hoju. I'll get back to you.

Yeah! Now, I'm not saying Mr. Burns is incontinent-- Incontinent! Too rich. Does either of you know what "incontinent" means?

Um, uh-- Well, start by readin' the sentence. "Two... wentam and jolly were"--

Awesome! So long, suckers! Why don't we do something to take our minds off the storm?

It's all a part of our Krusty Burger Olympic Sweepstakes. just scratch off the name of the Olympic event on your game card, and if America wins a gold medal... you win a free Krusty Burger! Mmm, mmm, mmm!

Oh, my God! Beer delivery. Sign here. No! It's you! Oh, boy! Gimme that!

From now on we use regular toilet paper, not that fancy quilted kind.

I wonder where all the kids are. Hey! A library! No, I can't. That's the old, nerdy Lisa. Lisa, read about my adventures in the South Seas... and make me live again.

I don't think that's a good idea. Hmm." Take that, Marge. Thank you, thank you. And now, the all-new comedy stylings of... Krusty the Clown!

That's why I invented this revolutionary makeup gun. It's for the woman who only has four-fifths of a second to get ready. Close your eyes, Marge. And now you're ready for a night on the town. Homer, you've got it set on "whore."

Hello, Muddah Hello, Faddah Here I am at Camp Granada - Marge, is Lisa at Camp Granada? Now to put this tape... where no one will ever listen to it.

I'm hoping you enjoy this movie. It made every Indian critic's Top 400 list. La, la, la, la, la, I'm in love with lovely Johnny

Oh, good-bye, old girl.

Oh, Homie, I think I'm going to be sick. There was a farmer who had a dog - And Bingo was his name - Oh B-i-n-g-o B-i-n-g-o B-i-n-g-o and Bingo was his name, oh Homie, get in the car.

Galveston, oh, Galveston Is this all he watches? He used to watch Davy and Goliath but he thought the idea of a talking dog was blasphemous.

It burns! It burns!

You traded my soul for pogs?

Lovin' till the morning Ooh, I hear this really sucks. Hmm, director's commentary.

What kind of a knight is that? The kind of knight that makes barrels and isn't a knight. Ha!

I was really starting to enjoy... Ethnic Mismatch Comedy #644! I've never heard so many Viagra jokes in 30 seconds. Shut up-a your mouth!

Oh, gosh. You know, I'm not much on speeches, but it's so gratifying... to leave you wallowing in the mess you've made. You're screwed. Thank you. Bye. He's right. He ain't much on speeches. Now, people, we are far from screwed.

Come! Let us kill them before learning of the magical secret which they possess!

Hey, don't worry, Marge. Pretty soon, every boy and girl in Springfield Elementary School is gonna come see this thing. Really ? Why ? They're forcing 'em ! Oh.

You know, son, the day you were born I received the greatest gift a man could have. As the years went by your mother and I were blessed twice more and not a day goes by we don't thank God for all three of you. Homer! I'm not pregnant! Yeah!

Bart, you're so funny.

Marge, Bart, Lisa and Maggie. Dad, this doesn't have your name on it. Kids, would you step outside for a second? F--

- Nice one, Homer. - Thanks.

Yeah. Like-- Yeah! Okay. Great. Okay. Let-Let's just try that again. Okay? Come on.

Can I punch Oscar de la Hoya for a while? Just keep it above the belt. (GRUNTING) (SIGHS) You know, Milhouse? I thought I'd love eating only frosting and giving the pope a wedgie.

All right. Settle down. Anita Bath here?

Somebody help me! I think I'm getting swimmer's ear!

The Simpsons (TIRES SCREECHING) D'oh! (SCREAMS) (BRAKES SCREECHING) (ALL SCREAMING) (GIANT FISH GULPS)

I don't understand it. That was nonalcoholic champagne.

Jingle bells jingle bells Bart! Why are you doing that? I don't know.

An elephant just knocked over your mailbox. Okay.

Oh. Whew! For a minute there, I thought I was in big trouble. It's just-- D'oh!

Sure, your dad's singing could make your hair curl But you too, Bart, have Sung and danced like A girl Eep.

What's this? "Extremely high voltage." Well, I don't need safety gloves, because I'm Homer Simp--

There he is! There's the man that sexually harassed me! Oh. Whew! For a minute there, I thought I was in big trouble. It's just-- D'oh!

If he's so smart, how come he's dead?

My, these seas are certainly heaving. No more than your bountiful bosom, milady. Does that earring mean you're a pirate? Kinda. Ah, the seas have quieted.

La-la-la-la-la Mr. Simpson? Huh? Oh, sorry. We were talking about chocolate? That was ten minutes ago.

You were supposed to get her that stupid diary! But it's a personalized video about my favorite little star... Lisa Simpson. Well, this could be fun. Let's watch it.

Honey, can we make up again ?

See ya, kids. Me and my Val-U-Qual book are gonna paint the town red... with savings!

Uh-huh. Uh, what region? Uh, upstate New York. Really. Well, I'm from Utica, and I've never heard anyone use the phrase "steamed hams." Oh, not in Utica. No. It's an Albany expression. I see. You know, these hamburgers are quite similar to the ones they have at Krusty Burger.

This is my year, Marge. Everyone knows I'm what makes this city great. I don't know. There's a lot of buzz around Lenny.

But, uh, did you have to salt the earth so nothing would ever grow again?

Book 'em, Lou. One count of being a bear. And one count of being an accessory to being a bear. Oh, Marge, it was horrible!

I'll handle Ranger Ned. After all, I'm smarter than the average bear. Well, hello there, Ho-didilly-omi. Well, I'm afraid I'm gonna have to ask you to hand over that-- Gee, Homi, it's not very nice to maul Ranger Ned. - You want some of this? - Uh-uh.

Thank the Lor-- Thank the Lord? That sounded like a prayer. A prayer! A prayer in a public school! God has no place within these walls, just like facts have no place within organized religion! Simpson, you get your wish. Flanders is history.

He wants to talk to you. Y'ello? Mm-hmm. So we're in agreement. She won't be allowed near the phone again. We did it!

Let's go to barney's bowl-a-rama... I'm Chuck Ellis from the Springfield Collection Agency and I'm here to ask you why you don't think you need to pay your bills?

I can't believe what I'm hearing. Well, then you'd better turn up your hearing aid, Pops. Pops? I'm only two years older than you. Do we want Old Man Patterson here with his finger on the button?

And now, to present the trophy... three-time soap box derby champion, Ronnie Beck. Congratulations, Bart. Seeing you out there brought back a lot of memories. Thanks, Mr. Beck. I was alone out there, but someone was riding with me in spirit.

but first I have to say good-bye to some friends. Friends, you have come to depend on me as your safety watchdog... so you won't scrape yourself or stub your toes...

General, I hereby surrender. Ow! Not the pointed end, you dumb-ass! Reinforcements! Tanks? Oh, this is just too inaccurate.

How can you defend a country... where 5% of the people control 95% of the wealth ? I'm defending a country where people can think, act and worship any way they want. - Can not. Can not. - Can too. Can too. Please, please, kids. Stop fighting. Maybe Lisa's right about America being a land of opportunity,

Hey, this ain't art! It's business! What do ya got in mind? Sexy broad? Gangster octopus? No. No. The animal chain of command goes... mouse, cat, dog. D-O-G.

Oh, no! Oh, brother. Where's your husband ? Yeah. It's getting late. Said he went caroling with Bart. We're in the money we're in the money We got a lot of what it takes to get along I can't believe I'm doing this.

Oh, it's hopeless. Utterly, utterly hopeless. Oh, I see. When it's one of my schemes, you can't foil it fast enough. But when Cecil tries to kill you, "It's hopeless. Utterly, utterly hopeless."

And now I'm guilty of possession. I could go to prison! Unless I testify against you. Marge, it's making my eyes better. And it's legal. I could walk up to the president and blow smoke in his stupid monkey face, and he'd just have to sit there groovin' on it.

Wow... chocolate, half-price! La la la-la-la-la-la Mr. Simpson. La-la-la-la-la Mr. Simpson? Huh? Oh, sorry. We were talking about chocolate? That was ten minutes ago.

(BRAKES SCREECHING) Come on, boy. Take your pill.

That's right. It's the Brad Goodman... something or other. Marge, can I go outside and play? Shh. A few weeks ago, I was a washed-up actor with a drinking problem. Then Brad Goodman came along and gave me this job and a can of fortified wine. Ahh! Sweet liquor eases the pain.

Ooh. Hey, hey. Come in! And then take that, and put that in there,

Won't you think of the children?

Arr! It begins. The dolphins are upon us. And only this old sea dog knows how to stop the-- Arr! Rarr!

Most of those books haven't been discredited yet.

"Max, what I did, I did because of alcohol and anger." "I'm tired of these jokes about my giant hand. The first such incident occurred in 1956 when"-- Hi, Homer. Mindy! Uh-- Oh, no, I'm sweating like Roger Ebert.

And now the winner of the first annual Montgomery Burns Award for Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Excellence. Please, please... You know you won. Don't jinx it. The winner: Homer Simpson. Oh, my God! I win!

Scully, you're cut. Uh, Brooks, Groening, Simon, you're all cut. Castellaneta, gone. Kavner, cut. Cartwright, cut. Smith, sorry. Cut. Azaria and Shearer, you're cut. Firestone, you're cut. So is judge. Namath, you stay. All of those people are cut.

I'll help with your next charity scam. The word is "drive." Sure, sure. Bob's your uncle. Let's just get out of here.

I like. I like. This just came over the wires, Big "K." Uh-huh. "Soviet boycott. "U.S. unopposed in most events." How does this affect our giveaway? Let's see. You personally stand to lose 44 million dollars. Oy!

Race Banyon and Buzz Aldrin, the second man on the moon. Second comes right after first.

Thanks for poisoning the planet, bastard. Get bent. No more Chernobyls! Go to hell!

So, how do you like being a walrus, Dad? ts great! I havent been this skinny since high school. Homie, someone owes me a back scratch. Mmm! Mmm.

Even so, sir. We could stand to lay off a few employees. Oh! Very well. Lay off... him, him, him, him-- Hmm.

"Caution. Exit through door seven only. All other rooms contain man-eating tigers." Roman numerals? They never even tried to teach us that in school!

She'll go 300 hectares on a single tank of kerosene. What country is this car from? It no longer exists, but take her for a test-drive and you'll agree--

Bart, I don't care what Mom said. I think you should use this money to take her on a nice vacation. Well... Okay. For Mom, I'll do it. Where should we go? Well, I'd like to return to Brazil, but I hear the monkey problem is even worse now.

Da-da da-da-da Hey! Da-da-da-da da-da da-da-da Hey! Da-da I now pronounce you husband and wife. You may now kiss... each other.

I've gone back to the time... when dinosaurs weren't just confined to zoos! Okay. Don't panic. Remember the advice your father gave you on your wedding day. If you ever travel back in time, don't step on anything...

(BOTH SCREAMING)

Madam, your children are no more... than a pair of ill-bred troublemakers. Lisa too? Especially Lisa! But especially Bart! If he crosses me one more time, just once more, well, I can't be held responsible for my actions.

Marge, every woman I interview for the secretary job makes kissy faces at me. Mmm. Hello, Mr. Simpson. I'm Carl. He sounds good. Hire him.

Wow. Excuse me. My microwave johnnycakes are ready.

All right. This is my memory box. I haven't opened it in 30 years. Ooh! A letter from my old pen pal. Someday I'll write you back, Osama.

And what are those men doing under my van? Look, lady, if I was you, I would just leap into the air, as I'm preparing to do. - Here ya go, Homer. - Thanks, Moe.

Yeah! Whoo! You idiot. Dr. Winslow was only going to die in a dream. Wha-- Pink pages always mean a dream. I thought dreams was on goldenrod. No, goldenrod is for coma fantasies. I see. So, uh, what time tomorrow?

Bart, let's stop this stupid rivalry. Even if you never become a great sorcerer, you're still an okay brother. Thanks, Lise. Now let's try to forget this nightmare. ...blarney.

Oh, I wish! You see, that night when you hit me with your car-- I'm making record time on this fog walk. Better pick up the pace.

The hell with cartoons. I'm gonna do what i've always dreamed of. I'm gonna write that sitcom about the sassy robot.

Willie Nelson will astound his fans by swimming the English Channel. Really? Willie Nelson?

Say "ah," baby. Ah... (GAGGING) I'm dying! And there's heaven. But who's that? Confucius? And Milton Berle? Boy, have I been barking up the wrong tree.

And off to your left is Hugh Hefner's Shelbyville pad. A lot of people know about the grotto and the game room. Of course. But few know about the laboratory, the biosphere, the alternative energy research center. Fascinating.

Open the glove compartment and fetch me my brain medicine.

Well, it just explains that you've... won-- yes, that's it-- won the first annual... Montgomery Burns... uh... Award for... Outstanding Achievement in the Field of... Excellence.

Rock and roll fantasy camp! The Rolling Stones' Rock n’ Roll Fantasy Camp! But I thought you guys were mad at me.

You insensitive jerk!

Again with the Klingons! Mr. Scott, give me full power. It's no good, Captain. I cannot reach the control panel. Movies! What a rip-off! I don't have to sit here and take this! I--

what do you say we go out for a round of frosty chocolate milkshakes ?

This film will self-destruct... if not properly stored. We believe Burns still has that bill hidden somewhere in his house. But all we've ascertained from satellite photos is that it's not on the roof. We're hoping that as his trusted employee, you can help lead us to it. But Mr. Burns gave me my job, and he hasn't fired me...

Krusty wants out! No. The world needs laughter.

Oh, yeah. Oh! Can we talk about Chief Wiggum?

Well, you get the idea. My father was the most respected man in the lower East Side of Springfield. People would come from miles around to ask his advice. Reb Krustofski, should I finish college?

I'm gonna kill you!

So, what do you say we make a break for it?

Hey, hey. This is not a lending library !

Strained carrots for Maggie. Strained carrots for Grampa. I want a bib too.

Aw, this quiz show crap is just a fad. Fad or not, it's here to stay. And it's killing your show in the ratings. What do you want from me? I do a kids' show. And it's a classic. We just want you to open it up. Run wild, shatter the boundaries, slash and burn. Without alienating anyone. Oy! These ferkachted network notes. Can you believe this?

It's 11:15! We've been spinning for hours.

Knock it off. I'm sorry. Knock it off! I's just jammin' with ya.

Hey, kid, wake up. Who are you? I'm Laura, your new neighbor. You all right? She's beautiful. Say something clever. I fell on my bottom. D'oh!

Let's see. "It was the best of times, it was the 'blurst' of times"? You stupid monkey! Oh, shut up.

There's something you don't see in a toilet every day.

Oh, I wish I had these on my space adventure. Did you know I was blasted into space two years ago, Mom? Oh, sure. I read all about it. I mean-- It was national news. Do you... still work for NASA? - No, I work at the nuclear power plant. - Oh, Homer. Well, you'll be happy to know I don't work very hard.

Can you believe it, Marge? This job is the greatest. They're paying me to eat! If you could just get somebody to pay you for scratching your butt, we'll be on easy street. Why, you little--

Name, please? Simpson family. We're not poor. Well, we're not. Go on in. They're expecting you at the clubhouse. Look at this!

Oh, I wish I could believe you.

But look at these results. Fifty-five, forty-two, twenty-six. A 12 on state capitals ? Okay, okay. Why are we dancing around the obvious ? I know it, you know it. I am dumb, okay ? Dumb as a post. Think I'm happy about it ? There, there, Bart. You're just a late bloomer. Oh, I wish it were that simple.

You'll have to jump! Piece of cake, son.

And I think to myself what A wonderful world

Don't worry, Bart. They won't bother you anymore. I hardly ever let Mother fight for me anymore. Sorry, Bart. I'm gonna hang out with Lisa. For protection... and to be seen!

- What a pooch. - Woof woof!

We are mollified! We are mollified! Brilliant. We lost $60 million, and they're cheering for more. Mr. Burns! You're alive! Yes. I regained consciousness during my big dance number. Those strings pulling me every which way jostled my heart from its slumber.

Oh, no. An election ? It's one of those deals when they close the bars, isn't it ? Sorry, Barney.

Looks like bad news for the... Impson family.

That doll tried to kill me. I'd say that the pressure's finally gotten to Dad, but what pressure?

Homer, no! Uh-oh. My house! Hey, how you doin'?

Bart. Huh? Ha! Mrs. Krabappel, I-- I didn't-- Attention. This is Principal Skinner, your principal, with a message from the principal's office. All students please proceed immediately to an assembly... in the Butthead Memorial Auditorium.

Can I punch Oscar de la Hoya for a while? Just keep it above the belt. (GRUNTING)

Whew! Just Italians. His float’s already moving. I didnt even hear the engine start. Yeah. ts really runnin' quiet. Some mechanic tuned it up right before the parade. A mechanic?

In the den? May God have mercy on us all.

Oh, my God! Damn you, snow! All right! Snow day! No school tomorrow. That doesn't mean you don't have to do your book report.

I'm telling Mr. Jagger. Ooh, I'm telling Mr. Jagger. The clothes you wear on stage should be a defiant statement of individuality. Like this, Mr. Kravitz? God, no.

Oh. "They made us." That's loser talk. You gotta start acting more like me and my team, the future league champions of the world. Nothing's gonna stop us now. Stop everything! I don't remember writing a check for bowling. Sir, that's a check for your boweling. Oh, yes. That's very important. Yes, sir. Remember that month you didn't do it?

Boo! Here I am. Yah! No! Stop! I left my gun on the seat! Hey! Wait here, please.

What's a joy stick? Oh, oh! Here comes a Xylon cruiser! Go into hyperspace! Wait! Where's the hyperspace? Grandpa, you're the spaceship. I thought I was this guy. - Oh! - Oh! Game's over. I got down on the floor for this?!

Here you go, little lady. And for the record, there were a few jewish cowboys-- big guys who were great shots and spent money freely.

Cuckold! Cuckold! Cuckold! What's a cuckold?

- May I have some more lima beans, please? - Certainly. - More than that. - Certainly. More. More. More. Uh, maybe you should eat the ones you have. I didn't say I was gonna eat them. I just wanted to look at them because they're so gross. What's for dessert?

Please, Lisa. I thought you loved me.

Oh, no. It's just a clump of dirt. Even so, my heart is pounding like a kettle drum. I'd better sit down for a moment. "Prinskipper Skippal"-- "Prinnipple Skipper"-- I-i found something!

and there was no harm done.

Pledging to honor the bag boys' strike... are the Brotherhood of Fruit Packers and Unpackers, the Shelf-Dusters' Union... and the Unattractive Waitresses of America. - Kiss my grits! - Indeed.

So many previews. So many previews. So many previews. And now our feature presentation.

Town crier. I'd like to ask you a few questions. One: Where's the fife? And two: Give me the Fife.

Oh, boy! Liver! Iron helps us play!

Hmm! We have a kitchen?

Come on. Come on! just give 'em the slop and let's get out of here. Oh, I can do it faster than that! Mmm, mmm. Mmm, mmm. Mmm, mmm. Wow! Look at that enthusiasm! This is front-page material.

Oh, sure. Like lawyers work in big skyscrapers and have secretaries. Look at him. He's wearing a belt. That's Hollywood for you.

No, I'm just Milhouse when he gets hurt. Ohh!

See? There's nothing-- Oh, boy! This thing is shredding my insides! Uh, Krusty, that wasn't a metal one. That was a regular Krusty-o. It's poison.

Bart! Oh, I see Bart gets to have a gun. You lied to me! You promised to get rid of this gun. I put it in a safe place, Marge. I mean, what are the odds the boy would look in the vegetable crisper? How could you?

She still embodies all the awful stereotypes she did before. But she's got a new hat. I want it. I want it. I want it.

It's been done.

So my mom works at Hooters.

I ain't goin' on some clown show. I'm retired. No one expects you to do anything difficult.

When I'm driving the car, I get to choose the radio station. When you're driving, we'll listen to your radio station. I caN feel saint elmo's fire burnin' in me Oh, I can't take this anymore! Let's switch back. All right, my friends. Let's go to the phones.

Barney, did you ever notice how hard it is to drive with your knees?

That and the sand bucket. What's that stuff? Why, this is retardant. Sure is. And what's that? That's called a hose lengthener. You need one. What's this? just read the label. It's a king-sized flamer!

Hey, kids! There's a carnival tonight! Oh, boy! A carnival! Hmm.

Shut up, you! Stop teasing the big-bottomed lass. She's just as God made her, plump as a Christmas goose.

It's the TV movie of the year-- The Krusty the Klown Story: Booze, Drugs, Guns, Lies, Blackmail and Laughter. Starring Fyvush Finkel as Krusty the Clown.

Oh, man, There goes Peter Frampton's big finale. He's gonna be pissed off. You're damn right I'm gonna be pissed off! I bought that pig at Pink Floyd's yard sale! - Dad, are you okay? - I'm fine.

Well, she may be helping my career, but she's starting to cramp my style. Oh, who cares? The offers are rolling in. Paramount wants you for a buddy comedy with Rob Lowe and Hugh Grant. Those sick freaks? Okay. Then get this. I think they want you to play McBain's sidekick in-- brace yourself--

Good girl, Maggie! You knocked down all the pins.

- Na-na, na-na, na-na, na-na - leader na-na, na-na, na-na, na-na leader na-na, na-na, na-na, na-na leader na-na, na-na, na-na, na-na leader leader, leader batman i mean-- Leader I love the Leader.

Stop saying things!

That was a very sweet thing you did for poor Wiggum. But what's gonna happen to you? Oh, probably just a slap on the wrist. "And he who shall violate this law... shall be punished by catapult." Last time I help you. Sorry. I thought you'd get a fine,

Listen, Marge... uh... how would you feel if I told you the dog ran away? Homer, that's awful. Oh. Well, I got good news. The dog didn't run away. Well, good. I'm coming home, honey. You can pick me up in an hour and bring the kids. Bye.

Hear ye. Hear ye. What's for breakfast? Toast. I don't understand thee, Marge. Hmm. Ye olde toast. Whoo-hoo.

Live from fabulous Centauri City,

Theme from a summer place From a summer place The theme from a summer place It's the theme--

They can't seriously expect us to swallow that tripe. Now as a special treat, courtesy of our friends at the meat council, please help yourselves to this tripe.

The doctor thought I might have brain damage. Dad, what's the point of this story? I like stories.

Some people say that to love your country is old-fashioned, uncool, real melvin. Well, to them I say-- Oh beautiful For spacious skieS For amber waves of grain One, two, three, four! Left A good Job in the city

If you can tell me why I shouldn't fire you without using the letter "E," you can keep your job. Uh, okay. Um-- I'm a good work-- guy. You're fired. But I didn't say-- You will. Eeeeeeee!

I know. Well done, monkey. That other panda gave some unexpected 'zazz to the festivities, eh? Maybe for you. How come you didn't rescue me? Too busy trying to keep my sides from splitting. It's happened before. Monty say, monkey do. What could be better?

Here. Have some nuts. Hey, thanks. Ow! God! My eye! Ow! Get it out! Geez! Gaagh! Don't pull. Don't pull. I said don't pull! Don't! Now we're pulling into port.

Well, I don't see how it is. Nobody's even told me your name yet. I'm still not givin' up on Buck. There must be some harebrained, half-assed way-- This just in: A robbery is in progress at the National Bank of Springfield.

My Bologna has A first name it's h-o-m-e-r my Bologna has A second name it's h-o-m-e-r oh, I Scram!

Honey, I know you wanna see japan, but we're down to our last million yen. Don't worry, ichiban. I'll show you something japanese.

a lifetime member of your wonderful organization. Homer, you can't join up with these gun nuts. Oh, come on. Be fair, Marge. For once in your life, be fair!

Her brother had this to say. Lisa is a nut. She has a rubber butt. Every time she turns around, it goes putt putt. Indeed. But that rubber butt doesn't have much time for turning around these days.

Our children aren't safe with that monster! Yeah, keep away from him, Milhouse! You too, Ralphie. You're out of that day care center. Oh! My polite indignation knows no bounds! No! No! No one is taking my kids from me!

Hmm. Really makes you think. What does that even mean? Mom might not see through you, but I do. You don't care about any of these people. Well, if I'm guilty of anything, maybe it's caring too much. I'm Bart Simpson. Stop talking like that. Stop it.

Are these morons getting dumber, or just louder? Dumber, sir. They won't give up the Bear Patrol,

you've convinced me there are more terrible things than musical Comedies where everyone sings there is something worse and it really does blow when A long-running series

Chocolate microscopes? You know those guitars that are, like, double guitars, you know? More rubber stamps. Principal Skinner, this is your secretary. There is one last student here to see you. That's odd. I don't have a secretary or an intercom. But send him in.

I've seen The itchy and Scratchy Movie 13 times. I've seen it 17 times. You guys must be getting pretty tired of that movie by now. No one who saw the movie would say that! Let's get him!

Ten, nine, eight-- eight-- eight-- eight-- Ohh! Will this horrible year never end?

What the hell! Oh, no! Oh, man! Your Frisbee jammed the juice-ilator, Homer. Our entire shipment is ruined!

Shoe shine, sir? Comb your hair for ya? Sir? - Humph. - Sir? Sir? Sir? Okay. Catch you on the way back. Oh, hi, kids. Hi, Chester.

Now if you'll excuse me, I've got some dust that needs busting. This is Kent Brockman... at the scene of a level three rhino alert. Authorities say there's no immediate danger to anyone-- except those three luckless people whom we'll identify... once the rhinos spit out their wallets.

Must... call... Smithers. He'll protect me from this beast. I've seen people activate this machine a thousand times. Doesn't seem to be any trick to it. Let's see. Smithers. S-M-i-T-H-E-R-S. Success! It's ringing.

So! Oh, geez. This looks bad. Better turn on the old Wiggum charm. Pervert! Oh, boy. That sounded bad.

Dang! D'oh! Dad, what do we do? The only thing we can do. Sit tight and try to get some sleep.

Beer! I can explain, Marge. Please let me explain. Oh, why won't you let me explain? You're the one the papers have been talking about-- that mysterious Beer Baron who's been supplying Springfield with alcohol. How have you been getting away with this? Well-- And I can explain, remember?

People of Earth, we have traveled all the way from space... to attend the most "astrotastic" event in the entire universe. You said it, Phil. It's the bimonthly Springfield sci-fi convention. That's right. It's Bi-Mon-Sci-Fi-Con.

You always say we should talk. I'm talking right now, as a matter of fact. But I'm going to stop in a second, so please, say something back, Marge, please ? I'm gonna stop talking... now.

Oh, we're gonna die, and I never tasted cantaloupe! Eh, you didn't miss much. Honeydew is the money melon.

Well, we have a brown shoe. Did you hear that, kids? Brown. Oh, rats. Talk about bad luck. I forgot to wear socks today. Guess I can't try those on. Yeah, no problem. You can wear the store sock.

we ouGhta drown you just like cats adults, you run our lives like you're Colonel klink adults, you strut around like your farts don't stink adults, you're suCh a drooling, Snoring boozing, boring bunch surly, meanie three-martini lunchers

Oh. So you're lookin' for a Mr. Smithers, eh? First name Waylon, is it? Listen to me, you! When I catch you, I'm gonna pull out your eyes and shove 'em down your pants... so you can watch me kick the crap outta you! Okay? Then I'm gonna use your tongue to paint my boat. Ooh.

Well, everybody's got a fear of something. Not everybody. Sock puppets! Where? Where?

Wow! The Q-tip he used to kill Ross Perot.

Now you tell me. We only have two openings so one of you will go home empty-handed... But it won't be my old frat buddy Lou Collier. How you doing, you old Alpha Tau? Smithers, you keg-meister, you. Uh-huh-huh, hey.

Permission denied. Payload checklist. I.R.S. surveillance satellite. Check. Ant farm. Check. Children's letters to God. Check. Three, two, one. Make rocket go now.

f Radio: Child Announcer] You 're listening to Radio Disney. The songs you io ve re written for babies! w' Who ieit the milk out; ; Yuck, yuck, yuck-yuck; J Dad left the milk out Yuck, yuck, yuck-yuck; That's good satire. It doesnt hurt anyone.

Homer. Welcome to my home, brother. Holy moly ! The bastard's rich !

We change the name of the town to escape our creditors. I need names, people! Lima, Peru! Gotham City! Wiggumville! Burger King!

- You're being completely paranoid. - Oh, am I? Am I really? Aha! Hello. All right, pal, where'd you get the sugar for that tea? I nicked it when you let your guard down for that split second. And I'd do it again. Good-bye.

Authorization code? Code? Son, this is Colonel Hapablap! That fool McGuckett sprayed runway foam all over Chuck Yeager's Acura. Now get down there with the chamois triple-time! But, Colonel, I'm under strict orders to-- Sweet Enola Gay, son! Get moving or I'll tear you up like a Kleenex at a, uh, snot party. Sir, right away, sir!

Computers can do that?

you'll hear a recipe for a really ripping lentil soup.

Stop your laughing! You're all banned! Banned I tell you!

You'll live to regret this!

a lot of carbon monoxide, so keep the window open. Cat in the furnace. Uh, you know, I think I'll take Maggie with us.

Oh, forget about it. That Mr. Takahashi's a lunatic.

Of course, one thing mother blue jay can't defend against... is a set of steel tongs. Eggs. Precious eggs. If they're to survive, they require the gentle warmth and tender love... that only a mother can provide. Or better yet, a 75-watt bulb.

Oh, my God! This man is my exact double! That dog has a puffy tail! Here, Puff!

(BEEPING) (GRUNTS) You know, I was thinking of taking a poetry class at the community college. Forget it. I had to sell all my marrow to pay the light bill. I didn't have much marrow.

Oh, no. Quite the opposite. It's made you weak as a kitten. Look! Hey, come on. Quit it. Coochy coochy coo! Stop. Please stop. Oh, you swing like a girl. Come on, now. Please have mercy. Got your nose. Not funny.

Good-bye, my Coney Isle-- Good-bye, my Coney Isle-- Good-bye my Coney Island babe Good-bye my Coney Island babe

What about you? Hmm. Homer, what did you do, get a haircut or something? Look closer, Lenny. Oh, you're the biggest man in the world now and you're covered in gold. 14-karat gold. Take a hike, boss.

Yeah! Now hold on, Kang. You can't bully my audience with your fancy ray gun. And now for my final thought. Nobody wins when parents put their petty squabbles above the welfare of a child.

For liability purposes, it is the ocean that will kill you, not us. Hey, what do you know? It floats. That was my plan all along. Now relax, and the currents will take us home.

And I don't believe in it. It breaks up families. It turns wives against husbands, children against fathers, neighbors against me. You don't have to pay some fancy psychiatrist... ten bucks an hour to get top-notch therapy.

The hair! The hair! Slut! Loser! Skank! Skank! Skank! I'm feeling kind of low, Apu. Got any of that beer that has candy floating in it? You know, SkittlebrÄu? Such a product does not exist, sir. I think you must have dreamed it.

It was a different time-- 1998.

This is better than a movie... why?

The contents of the hijacked truck--

Faster, Willie, faster. Now, we give 'em the bikes, no one sues. What if they're dead, sir? Then we ride these bikes to Mexico and freedom, Willie! Freedom! Freedom. I'll turn you in at the first tollbooth.

Homer's in the hospital! They think it's his heart! Oh, my God. - What? - Five cents off wax paper.

Hey, hold still. Keep running, Max. I can't lose him! Help him out, Lou. Uh, you better call for backup, Chief. Leave me alone! Go swab Begley. He likes it. Slow down, punk!

People, please! We're all frightened and horny. But we can't let some killer dolphins keep us from living and scoring!

Exactly. D'oh! - Next! - ¡Excellente!

Ooh, hey, my 1:00 canceled. Have you had any lunch? Yeah, but I usually have three or four. So where to eat? You like Thai? Tie good. You like shirt?

One, two-- Hey. What's the big idea? Oh, I admit it. It's only two alarm. Two and a half tops. I just wanted to be a big man in front of the kids. Daddy, are you going to jail? We'll see, Son. We'll see.

- Nice work, Homer! Am I proud of you! - Well-- When you go home tonight, there's gonna be another story on your house. Thank you.

No, really. I can't. It's a serious problem. What are we all laughing about? Who cares? Anyway, it all happened during that magical summer of 1985.

that's all I need. I didn't take it. Why, you little-- How can you look me in the eye and lie like that? Homer, stop that! I believe him.

Simpson! See you at reveille, 0500 tomorrow! See you at the I.R.S.! See you in hell! From heaven.

Whoo-hoo! Whoo-hoo!

Hey, anybody up for a little so-called pay TV ? Dad, are you sure this isn't stealing ? Read the pamphlet, honey. Hello. I'm Troy McClure.

So, isn't that what we're all asking in our own lives? Where's my elephant? I know that's what I've been asking.

That's it! You people have stood in my way long enough! I'm going to clown college! I don't think any of us expected him to say that.

Alien Autopsy. Illegal Alien Autopsy. Godfather III: Good Version. He's got the tape of Kent Brockman picking his nose. Look! He's picking his nose!

Oh, if he thinks George Bush'll stay out of the sewer, he doesn't know George Bush. Hey, turkeys! Behind ya. For the last time, Bush, apologize for spanking my boy! Never. You make him apologize for destroying my memoirs. You didn't tell me you destroyed his memoirs. Never!

What's he doin' with that broom? Uh, what isn't he doing? I heard that guy's ass has its own congressman.

(RAPPING) Yo, yo, yo! Slide your green Into the machine. And don't expect any change, dawg. It's like a fundraising school bake sale with slang as the Saran Wrap.

I think the metric system is the tool of the devil! My car gets 40 rods to the hogshead, and that's the way I likes it! The old person's remarks will be stricken from the record.

Oh, man. He'll blow our winning streak. Yeah. Call this an unfair generalization if you must, but old people are no good at everything. Look, guys, it's not that simple. He's my boss. I'll tell you what. I'll give him a shot, and if he stinks, it'll be easier to tell him no.

Your lifelong dream was to be a contestant on The Gong Show. And you did it in 1977. Remember? We got more gongs than the break-dancing robot that caught on fire.

Come on. This one's easy. We give up. Well, guess! Book of Revelations. Fire-breathing lion's head. Tail made out of snakes. Who else is it gonna be? Jesus? Je-- je-- Ohh! Don't you kids know anything? The serpent of Reheboam?

We got a pinhole leak and there's no way to plug it. I guess that's it. Ladies and gentlemen, we're in a tough spot, and I don't know if we're gonna get out. Please remain calm and think of your loved ones. Oh, Mr. Snookums. Oh, I "wuv" you so-- What are you lookin' at?

All right. Climb in. There's nothing to worry about. Now everyone, go to sleep. Good night.

That's it? Yeah, I got a magic bat too. And I got an enchanted jockstrap. Yeah. Just watch.

But your boy went Yoko and broke up my collection. Hey, boys will be boys. I am so tired of that tautology. It's not all his fault. I blame this latchkey kid.

Are we there yet? No.

Even the pet cemetery voted for Bob. Look! Mr. and Mrs. Bananas. Humphrey Boa-gart. Oh, my poor dead kitty! Please, not you too! All right, Bob. Now it's personal! Hey! Um, he did try to kill me.

I'm a white male, aged 18 to 49. Everyone listens to me, no matter how dumb my suggestions are.

One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, 10. Bye! Ah, we forfeit.

The only thing I'm high on is love-- love for my son and daughters. Yes, a little L.S.D. is all I need.

Hmm. We didn't have a message when we left. How very odd. Hello, Muddah Hello, Faddah Here I am at Camp Granada - Marge, is Lisa at Camp Granada? Now to put this tape...

Hey, whatsa matter, you? You crazy kid, you chasing away my business. Buzz off, Guiseppe. Pepe, go for the face!

I don't understand it's appeal. We don't expect you to, Mom.

Our tireless safety engineers crash-test over 1,000 cars a year. Hey, wait, That's not a dummy. This exhibit is closed.

Krusty, have you ever seen this so-called animation genius before? Yes, I have. You have? I gave him a couple of blintzes to paint my fence, but he never did it! Those blintzes were terrible. Paint my fence! Make me. You give me back those blintzes then!

"Kees" me, or I'll crush you. He says what we're all thinking. I'm not thinking that.

I hit it! I hit it! My cans. My precious, antique cans. Aw, look what you done to 'em. Well, it's getting late. Maybe we should call it a night.

When suddenly-- Well, I thought Dad was the problem.

And number three, that is a girl's bike.

Awesome a-power!

What do you want? I came to see the kids. Wait here... and don't steal any light bulbs. Hmm... - Dad! - Dad! Hey, kids.

Here's the pitch. Swung on and missed. Strike three. Topes lose. Topes lose. Topes lose.

Get him, boy! Smash that fly! Mush him up good! Nice work, Son.

And that's a felony! Yes, sir. On the other hand, I was young once. I'll bring the car around. And I suppose boys will be-- Oh! Oops. My vacation just started.

Uh, question for the barbecue chef. Don't you think there is an inherent danger... in sending under-qualified civilians into space? I'll field this one. The only danger is... if they send us to that terrible Planet of the Apes. Wait a minute. Statue of Liberty. That was our planet!

I know. I'll do a raP. I'm Mr. Plow and I'm here to say - I'm the pLowingest Guy in the U.s.a. - I got A big Plow and I move a Lot of things - just like your cow if you havE one - please. Stop it right now. Promise you'll never do that again.

Look, that kid's got bosoms! Who's got a wet towel? Come here, you butterball. Don't make me run! I'm full of chocolate!

they listen to the rap music, which gives them the brain damage... with their hippin' and the hoppin' and the bippin' and the boppin'. So they don't know what the jazz is all about. You see? Jazz is like a jell-O Pudding Pop. No. Actually, it's more like Kodak film.

And Krusty. We gotta invite Krusty. I keep telling you, off camera he's a desperately unhappy man. But if we remind Apu and Manjula of why they fell in love, maybe they can work out their problems. Yeah! 'Cause if they don't--

I'm Lurleen Lumpkin. That's a pretty name. You think so?

- Didn't you have a thing with her? - Don't go there! Ullman shorts, Christmas show Marge's fling, Homer's bro Bart in well, Flanders fails Whacking snakes, monorail Mr. Plow, Homer space Sideshow Bob steps on rakes Lisa's future, Selma's hubby Marge not proud Homer chubby Homer worries Bart is gay Poochie, U2, NRA

Hey, immigrants, beat it! Country's full! Okay, folks. You heard the lady. Back into the hold. We'll try Canada.

Lousy "Smarch" weather. "Do not touch Willie." Good advice.

Hey, look! A cyborg hand. This could really come in useful.

Hey, Chief, look what I got in my Laffy Meal.

I see. Do you have receipt, quote, unquote "sir"? No, I do not have a receipt. I won it as a door prize at the Star Trek convention, although I find their choice of prize highly illogical, as the average Trekker has no use for a medium-sized belt. Whoa, whoa. A fat, sarcastic Star Trek fan.

So I guess you can't destroy Earth... since so many of your favorite celebrities live and work here. We will not destroy the Earth! On one condition. You name it.

So if you don't want to see crude, lowbrow programming disappear from the airwaves, please, call now. Hello! Murdoch here. $10,000! You've saved my network. Wouldn't be the first time.

I haven't been in a play since high school, and I thought it would be a good chance to meet some other adults. Sounds interesting. You know, I spend all day alone with Maggie, and sometimes it's like I don't even exist. Sounds interesting.

Say, folks, what's all the ruckus? john Wayne? Will you guys turn that thing down? Sweetie, if we didn't turn it down for the cops, what chance do you have? He hit her again!

In light of your recent service to the school I've decided to be lenient. 400 days detention. 400 days. I can do that standing on my head. All right, 500 days. Ooh! Big man! 600 days. Maybe I'll just shut my big mouth.

It was only a dream. Bart! Is that you? Yes! Take out the garbage. And then he raked me across the chest. And the weirdest thing was, it was that school janitor who mysteriously disappeared! Groundskeeper Willie!

Well, here we are. All right. Let me start off by telling you... this will not be a walk in the park. This will be the most arduous and backbreaking weekend of your life. I cannot overemphasize the dangers which-- Did you bring your family, Simpson? Uh, yes, sir. I thought I was supposed to.

Oh, Captain janeway. Mmm! Lace: the Final Brassiere. Oh, hurry up. I'm a busy man. This high-speed modem is intolerably slow. Hey. What the--

But I've never felt this way before. I think I have a crush. Uh-- Oh, really? On Nelson Muntz. Way to drink, Poindexter! You like Nelson? But he's a creep, and he chipped one of my permanent teeth!

Makes you strong like Popeye. Popeye, papain.

McBain to base. Under attack by Commie Nazis. They won't stop me from delivering these UNICEF pennies.

Mmm. Sixty-four slices of American cheese. Sixty-four. Sixty-three.

Hey, Moe, what'll you give me for an A.A. chip? Uh, Barney, this is a five-minute chip. Ah, it's worth a Pabst.

Yeah. The doctor. Workin' 9 to 5 what A way to make A livin' ...and when ye tallow hardens, we remove it from yon mold. What a crappy candle. You've ruined our vacation.

judgment Day is upon us. I warned you the Lord wouldn't stand for your minidresses and Beatle boots. I resisted these for 35 years. Why did I wear them today? But it's not too late to repent your sins and be embraced by the Almighty.

I can't read. But you just read that card from the Gersh Agency. I recognized the logo.

Listen, Son. There's something I have to tell you about our robot.

Please, "ugly" is such a smelly word.

You said there'd be "Fudgeicles," Bart. Where's the "Fudgeicles"? First, it's Fudgsicle. And I know they're up here. I just need a better foothold. Hello! And the next marksman is William Tell, jr.!

Scott, things aren't as happy as they used to be down here at the unemployment office. Joblessness is no longer just for philosophy majors. Useful people are starting to feel the pinch.

Don't worry, honey. Daddy will fix that broken animal. No! I'm not gonna hurt him. I'm just gonna wake him up.

Kent O'Brockman live on Main Street where today... everyone is a little bit Irish... except, of course, for the gays and the Italians. All right, then. Move along. Nothin' to see here. Show's over, folks. Parades just bring out so many emotions in me-- joy, excitement, looking.

Oh, the bases were empty Excuse me, are you Colonel Homer Simpson? Yes, I am. I'm from Rebel Yell Records. I'm interested in buying Lurleen's contract. Forget it, pal. They don't call me Colonel Homer because I'm some dumb-ass army guy.

Uh, Homer Sexual? Mike Rotch? Uh, Amanda Huggenkiss? Uh, Hugh jass? Ivana Tinkle? I'm a stupid moron with an ugly face and a big butt, and my butt smells and I like to kiss my own butt? No, no, no!

Tonight's episode-- "Scuse Me While I Kill the Sky." Why are you driving a car?

for I am about to say something very serious, perhaps shocking. Marge, my darling, I want you to meet with me again, That doesn't shock me. away from prying eyes, away from the Helens of the world, at my apartment-- the Fiesta Terrace.

Uh-uh. You forgot the lightning bolt.

Bart, is that you? No!

We can't take his money. I can't take his money. I can't print my own money. I have to work for money. Why don't I just lie down and die?

seeing that my wife just passed away.

Gabbo! Gabbo! Gabbo!

I was standing right here when the horrible creature emerged from the woods.

We finally have something to put in the wall safe. Hostess Twinkies? I heard if you age them for 10 years, they turn to liquor.

No, really. I can't. It's a serious problem. What are we all laughing about? Who cares?

Huh? Wha-- Oh, cacti! Ow! Aah! Ow! Aah! Ow!

Marge Simpson. Hello, class! Hi, Bart. Over here, sweetie. It's me, Mom. Hi. Hey! Hello!

It's a big country.

Take care, ladies. I'm sure you can make it back to the prison on your own. We will. You're all right, Donut Breath. You're like the son I never killed.

I'll buy you A diamOnd ring, my friend If it makes you feel all right I'll get you anything my friend if it'll make you feel all right 'Cause i don't care too much For money money can't buy me love I'll give you all I've got to give oy!

Boy! A man on a Squishy bender can sure do some crazy things. Uh-oh. Not again?

Double stars! Everybody wins!

Homer, this has gone far enough.

The rest of you writers start thinking up a name for this funky dog. I don't know. Something along the lines of, say, Poochie. Only more proactive. Yeah! So, Poochie okay with everybody? Yeah. Yeah, you know, it's good.

He left his briefcase. Hey! It's full of shredded newspapers. Well, I guess that's it. People like us can't afford justice. Come on, Homie. Let's go before he fires you too. No!

I am a washing machine. Do what I say. Take that! In the face! You knocked his block off!

What's your name, son? Ralph. And is this your girlfriend, Ralph? Yes! I love Lisa Simpson, and when I grow up, I'm going to marry her. Noooo! Now you listen to me. I don't like you. I never liked you. And the only reason I gave you that stupid Valentine...

Corpse you up and mail you to mama! Well, where'd he go? Oh, got my knuckles all lined up for nothing. Sorry, ladies.

Everyone has a child but me. Cheer up, sis. There's a dented can sale down at Tregman's. (GROANS) This is one problem damaged food can't solve. Wow. You really are down. Hey, you ever think of adoption? The adoption process! That'll end the heartbreak!

What an odd remark. Why, that looks like a 50-cent piece. I'll just bend over and get it. Seems to be caught... between these two flowers.

We thespians believe it's bad luck to mention the name of this particular play out loud.

If it's clear and yella, you've got juice there, fella. If it's tangy and brown, you're in cider town. Now, there's two exceptions and it gets kind of-- Oh! You can stay, but I'm leaving. And of course in Canada, the whole thing's flip-flopped.

Hmm? Well, well. Finishing something? - Homer, did you eat that doughnut? - No.

Checkmate, Mr. Trampoline. Oh!

Of course! Nuclear power! It's the job of tomorrow... today! Really? Well, that settles it. For all those reasons and more, let us choose an electrifying career in-- Line? Nuclear power. Nuclear power.

Duh, stay out of Riverdale!

Look what he did to my best friend. What? No, my dog.

What's Lyme disease ? I'll field that one. Lyme disease is spread by small parasites called ticks. When a diseased tick attaches itself to you, it begins sucking your blood, Oh ! malignant spirochetes infest your bloodstream, eventually spreading to your spinal fluid and on into the brain. The brain ? Oh, dear God.

And so one town's brief flirtation with prohibition... ended in a joyous remarriage to Lady Liquor. Congratulations, Springfield. We wish you the very best! To alcohol, the cause of and solution to... all of life's problems.

Bingo! Sanctuary! Sanctuary! Oh, why did I teach him that word? Quick. You gotta hide me from PBS.

Mmm- Hey. Huh? For three seconds there, you were legally the mayor. Yeah! And you was a girl, Joel

Dennis the Menace? Yes. I was America's bad boy. I once hid my dad's hat! Uh-huh. And another time, I accidentally stepped in Mr. Wilson's flower bed. That was a two-part episode. I have to go.

Bringing in the sheaves Bringing in the Oh, my Lord. Something horrible has happened! Fooled ya, Flanders. Made you think your family was dead.

Oh! We're takin' a bath on this. We tried to tell ya these are unmanned oil rigs. Aw, close the damn thing down. No one's ever gonna come. Huh? Give me 700 Krusty Burgers! You want fries with that?

Smithers, are they booing me? Uh, no. They're saying, "Boo-urns! Boo-urns!" Are you saying "Boo" or "Boo-urns"? I was saying Boo-urns.

Sweet Adeline Sweet Adeline My Adeline My Adeline

Uh-oh. (MUTTERING NERVOUSLY) (DONKEY BRAYING) What did you say about my mother! (YELLING)

And now, the Top Hat Channel... is honored to present Broadcast Nudes. Ooh ! Gross ! Yet strangely compelling. - Huh ? - It's a raid ! What the-- YOu-- Hey, you ! I know you ! Come back here !

My Bologna has A first name it's h-o-m-e-r my Bologna has A second name it's h-o-m-e-r

Mr. Army Man? I can't sleep without my Reggie Rabbit. Is that some sort of plush novelty? Yes, ma'am. Well, here's a scouring pad. It's just as good. It's cold and hurt-y.

It was an accident! Yeah, yeah. Save it for Dateline Tuesday. Uh, what's your address so I can come arrest you? Arrest me? Um, my address, it's, um, 123 Fake Street. 123 Fake Street. Got it. Come on! Come on, boy.

This isn't one of those phony baloney promises I don't expect you to keep. If you make this promise, you have to keep it. Why ? 'Cause if you don't, I'll never believe anything you say... ever again. Aw, come on.

You're dead! Uh-- Hey, look! Someone's attractive cousin! I don't see anybody!

Okay, okay, it wasn't how he said it either. But the message was loud and clear: Our family stinks ! Hmm. Homer, I'm your best friend, but I've gotta say,

Say the line, Bart. I didn't do it. Yea!

All right, boys, set your nightsticks on whomp. Uh, mine's stuck on twirl. Oh, for the love of-- There.

You go, Homer. Whoosh! Ow! Jetson! We've got to get you into surgery.

Real acid? Okay. Roll film! Tip the acid vats! And... action. Only Fallout Boy can save me now. Where's Fallout Boy?

If you don't watch the violence, you'll never get desensitized to it. just tell me when the scary part's over. It's over. I think that guy's a spy. Of course he's a spy.

Come on, TV. Give me some of that sweet, sweet pap. Well, let's define our terms, gentlemen. Are we talking about redistricting or are we talking about reapportionment? Oh, well, can't win 'em all. We interrupt this public affairs program to bring you a football game. Yes!

Why, that's my husband ! His name isn't Bigfoot. His name is Homer.

Christmas with the California Prunes. (PLAYING JAZZY TUNE) Yeah... Oh, pruny night

Yo, empty the register, dude. Okay, okay, you are the boss. Silent alarm activated! Oh, that's it!

So what are we doing, a lengthening or a widening? Yarr. Uh, let's make it both. Garr! Don't worry. It's inflammable. Let's keep this our little secret.

Car gone! Car gone!

They don't call me Springfield Fats... just because I'm morbidly obese.

"Embiggens"? Hmm. I never heard that word before I moved to Springfield. I don't know why. It's a perfectly "cromulent" word.

No, that's not good. Marge, honey, I love you. Oh. Um-- Marge, I love ya, baby. Marge, sweetie, "hooney," honey-- Ah, this'll never work.

Two to two. Well, Homer, it all comes down to you. Football in the Groin! Football in the Groin! Well, we're not gonna resolve this deadlock anytime soon. Why don't we all take a five-minute break? It'll clear our heads. Good idea, Marge. My mind is going a mile a minute.

Thank you, my dear. Please take these free tickets to my play. What? What play? We thespians believe it's bad luck to mention the name of this particular play out loud. You mean Macbeth? Quiet, you blundering fool! You'll curse us all!

No sports, no rock no information For mindless chatter we're your station KBBL talk radio. And now, Springfield's favorite conservative... and author of the well-selling book, Only Turkeys Have Left Wings, ladies and gentlemen, Birch Barlow. Ugh! That Barlow's a right-wing crackpot.

It's always a party with Funzo. I admit it's kind of cute. But it'll never take the place of Malibu Stacy. Did you see that? Yeah. Funzo makes playtime fun! Hey, kids. It's--

Apron Boobs-face?

I'm Mr. Bergstrom. Feel free to make fun of my name if you want. Two suggestions are Mr. Nerdstrom and Mr. Boogerstrom.

Homer! Homer! Homer! Now, now... that will do. Homer, for your bravery and skill we award you this ham, this plaque this discount coupon book and my own personal thumbs-up.

Twenty tons and four stories of car-crunching, fire-breathing... prehistoric insanity ! Whoa ! One night only. One night only. One night only at the Springfield Speedway this Saturday. If you miss this, you'd better be dead or in jail. And if you're in jail, break out ! Be there !

Can't someone else do it? "Can't someone else do it?" That's perfect.

I'm afraid we have no leads, but I can safely say Apu did not suffer. Looks to me like he suffered a lot, Chief.

Good old Krusty Burger. Oh, I'll say. Look at that redheaded kid. There must be $20 worth of grease on his forehead alone. I was thinking more of the deep fryer. All right. We'll try it your way. Can I help you, sir? My God, you're greasy!

Help me, Radioactive Man. Watch out, Radioactive Man! Totally awesome. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. It's all in the delivery. "Now is the winter of our discontent"-- Oh, no! Run! Cool! Yeah.

Hey, kids! I'M flame-retardant.

Ah. I love these real Saturdays. They're so relaxing. Not like that fake Saturday that almost got me fired.

seen this movie twice before, and I've seen you every night for the last 11 year-- Yipes! What I meant to say is we'll snuggle tomorrow, sweetie. I promise. Oh, enchiladas!

our glorious society's 1,500th anniversary, and in honor of this momentous occasion, we're having ribs.

Man, the air feels good on my neck.

Why would they call if they don't want to talk? ...The itchy and scratchy show!

Answer the phone. I need a man!

I'm catching a pass from Dan Marino. This is the greatest moment of my-- Whoo-hoo! Homer Simpson with a pick! Hey, Bubba, Hacksaw, get that moron. Uh-oh. Lateral to Bart. D'oh! My spine.

So, the tables have turned! Now you're the shut-in, and I'm the hip young dude! There goes my wagging finger. I'm so bored! Aw, come on. There's lots of ways to pass the time. Hitch up your pants, air whittle.

Did anyone see that new Woodsy Allen movie? You know, I like his films, except for that nervous fella's always in 'em. If you want to talk nervous, you should have seen Kirk deal with the high school boys...

I challenge you-- What?

It's from my pen pal, Anya. Dear Lisa-- As I write this, I am very sad. Our president has been overthrown and-- Replaced by the benevolent General Krull. All hail Krull and his glorious new regime! Sincerely, Little Girl.

It's the same table!

Bite, fight, fighT, fight bite, bite, bite the itchy and scratchy show. Guest director, Oliver Stone.

Can I get a phone that plays the Mexican hat dance? I insist on it. I dance, I dance, I dance Around the Mexican hat I dance, I dance, I dance And that's the end of that Or is it I guess I'll keep singing My cell phone appears to be ringing Hey!

Thirsting for a way to name the unnameable, to express the inexpressible. Tell me more.

I know. T'oodley doodley. Kids can be a trial sometimes. All right, knock it off ! Knock what off, Simpson ? You've been rubbing my nose in it since I got here ! Your family is better than my family ! Your beer comes from farther away than my beer ! You and your son like each other ! Your wife's butt is higher than my wife's butt !

send in the clowns They're already here

I invested in something called News Corp-- Dad! That's Fox! Undo! Undo!

Keep cool, Simpson. Be in the game but not of the game. No es bueno.

the house raises from its foundations... and runs down the street and around the corner to safety. Well, the real humans won't, uh, burn quite so fast in there. Aye!

julius! Clancy! Skinner! Seymour! Mother. - Patty? - Cletus! Oh, uh, Barney. Clancy! Hey, come on! You did me twice!

Oh, was it something I said?

Boom! Boom it went! Boom! Just like that! They took a photo of my keister for Stars and Stripes! At least they told me it was for Stars and Stripes.

Where did you get that tutu?

Okay. Rod and Todd are. And the wife has a thing for me. But she hides it behind a mask of low-key hostility. But we've got to give this thing a chance. I want the two families to take a trip together this weekend. No way, josÉ. Yes way. Don't worry, Bart. It seems like every week something odd happens to the Simpsons.

Okay, more coal. Less coal. Less. Less. More. Less. Less. Less. And... none. Perfect.

Wow! - So who brought us here? - I don't know. Did you bring us here? No! Don't worry. If even half of your husband is out here, Officer Scraps'll find him. Oh, that's a darling name for a dog.

With all due respect, Mr. Taylor, this isn't the best time for your unique brand of bittersweet folk rock. We have a potentially critical situation here. I'm sure you'll understand.

At least you like the food. Oh, I like food, all right. I like pizza I like bagels I like hot dogs with mustard and beer I get the picture. I'll eat eggplant I could even eat a baby deer La-la-la-la-la-la La-la la-la Who's that baby deer on the lawn there Enough already! Sorry.

All right, who's Jimbo Jones? - I am. - You just made your second mistake, buddy boy! Please, dude, don't hurt me. Oh, man. That's your outlaw? I wasn't really gonna kill ya. I was just gonna cut ya.

There they go, two criminal geniuses locked away together. Who knows what diabolical schemes they might concoct?

I realize Don't worry. You gotta hit it just right, like Fonzie. Hey!

(BOTH GRUNTING) CHLOE: Oh! My hair! Ladies, (CHUCKLE) there's no need to fight over me. No one's fighting over you! Oh. Well, then carry on. CHLOE: You don't know when to quit.

Apu! Oh! The searing kiss of hot lead. How I've missed you. I mean, I think I'm dying. - Uhh. - Oy. Well, you are a very lucky man, Apu. You see, the bullet ricocheted off another bullet...

Huh? I never looked behind this whatchamacallit case before. Huh? That's weird. It's like something out of that twilight-y show about that zone.

He left his briefcase. Hey! It's full of shredded newspapers. Well, I guess that's it. People like us can't afford justice. Come on, Homie. Let's go before he fires you too. No! Mr. Burns, I'm not leaving until you say you're sorry for what you did to my wife.

I feel like I'm Princess Grace and Princess Di smashed together.

Mmm. He was so young. Oh, so sad.

We're trapped! Lisa, we may not make it. But at least we can go out as the great journalists we are. I'm not a journalist. You are now. Remember to keep my boobs in the shot. And we're on in five, four, three...

Pucker up, Ned.

Your metabolism will change someday too, young man.

Hey, get away from him, you little freaks. Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry. Oh, it hurts to talk. We'll have to work out a system of blinks.

Let's go. New tires. Come on. Come on. We're goin' as fast as we can, m-- Hey, who are you? Oh, how rude of me. My name is-- My bad.

Hey, I got pictures of you, Quimby. You don't scare me. That could be anyone's ass.

Too many wee ones!

You! Homer, thank God. You gotta help me here. Oh, I'll help you. Help you die! Waaah! All right, that's it. You're goin' down, pal.

Ow! Dang it! Ow!

Knife goes in, guts come out. Knife goes in, guts come out. Spare my life and I will grant you three wi-- Knife goes in, guts come out.

You never know when it might come in handy.

Gonna, wanna, shoulda. Willie, destroy it. He did do a bonny job, sir. Defying orders, eh? Well, I see you Scotsmen are thrifty with courage too. Okay, Skinner.

What the hell is that?

Tonight: The Simpsons, as you've never seen them before, on Behind the Laughter.

You buried me naked and sold my suit to buy a ping-pong table! What kind of a son--

They were looking at me...

See? Because of me, now they have a warning.

That oughta hold those S.O.B.s. What the--

You're a tough cookie, Maggie, but I'm gonna win you over, just like I did with Lisa. Hi, honey!

But, Dad, by striking, they're trying to affect a change in management... so that they can be happier and more productive. Lisa, if you don't like your Job, you don't strike. You just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That's the American way.

And then they gave me back my $500 investment... and kicked me out of the club.

I like the cut of your jib. What's a jib?

You know, I pride myself on being a good host, so I'm obliged to offer you a beer, but I'm so darn mad it's gonna be mostly head.

Krusty, we're from the network. We have some bad news. I'm afraid your show's been canceled. I thought this would happen. I just hope you replace me with something as educational... and uplifting as I tried to be. Actually, it's a hemorrhoid infomercial starring Claude Akins.

These aren't reptile eggs. You've been cheating! No matter where Mr. Burns hits the ball, you put a fresh one on the green! Cheating? For me?

For there will be no fire truck for little Bart, no sweater for little Lisa, no Cajun sausage for little Homer.

Do these sound like the actions of a man... who had "all he could eat"? No! That could've been me! Homer, I've a proposition for ye, fair and true. Come on, Marge. Let the people see your pretty face.

So many shoppers! Damn this... Ow! Resilient economy!

Way to guard the parking lot, Top Gun! I have three medals for this.

- Careful! They're ruffled! - I'll take care of this.

Give me the bear. The bear. The bear! Here you go, Maggie. The deal's off, Mr. Burns. The bear stays here. You've made a mistake, Simpson.

Huh? Look at Burns's suit! Yeesh! What? Oh! Oh. I had an idea, Chief. Why don't we check out that suit Burns was wearing when he got shot? Did you have the same backwards-talking dream with the flaming cards? I'll drive.

I feel like I'm gonna die, Bart. We're all gonna die, Lise. - I meant soon. - So did I.

- Bart, what are you doing ? - Uh-oh ! - Aah ! - Aah ! Why, you little-- Uh-oh ! Now I got ya ! Aah ! Aah ! Boy must die ! I love you, Dad ! Doh ! Dirty trick. Okay, I'm not gonna kill you,

No offense, Mom, but that was pretty cool.

Ow. Ow. Boy, I'm feeling this. Ow. Ooh, my head's gonna be sore in the morning. Excuse me. You're doing this station all backwards. Let me show you how to do it like a man.

I knew you'd try to find something wrong with my comet, Lisa. You've always been petty and small right from the beginning. We must alert the proper authorities. To the observatory!

We work hard. We play hard. Everybody dance nOw

Welcome to the games of the 34th Spellympiadl I'm George Plimpton, founder of The Paris Review. I also played the evil dean in BonerAcademy. You monster! Why did you expel Boogerman? He replaced my tennis racket with a rubber phallus. That was awesome.

Bart, what are you doing? Hey, what the-- Hmm. All right. Robots be right back. Whoo!

Yes, but-but the poncho-- Please, Homer, just leave us alone. Hmm.

Wow! Can I see your club? It's called a baton, son. What's it for? We club people with it.

The credits really have to go this long? Oh, shush yourself. English - US - Line 21

Here's your money. You know, the problem here was water leakage. If you just buy a fifty-cent washer-- I've got a better idea. Get the hell out! Look, I've got some washers in my truck. I'll give you one. Marge, get my gun.

Your Great-Aunt Gladys has... passed on. Gladys. Gladys. 'Bout yay high, blue hair, big dent in her forehead? No, honey. Gladys looked more like your Aunt Patty. Oh, yeah. There she is. The funeral's in Littleneck Falls.

We must relinquish the giddy glamour of show business... and return to the humble pleasures of the neighborhood shopkeeper. - Hmm. - Hmm. That's the way, uh-huh, uh-huh I like it, uh-huh, uh-huh Time traveler discount? Come on in! i like it, uh-huh, uh-huh

Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!

Gee, Homi, it's not very nice to maul Ranger Ned. - You want some of this? - Uh-uh. - Dad, wake up! Wake up! - Dad, wake up! I was having the most wonderful dream.

Homer, do you want your son to become chief justice of the Supreme Court... or a sleazy male stripper? Can't he be both, like the late Earl Warren? Earl Warren wasn't a stripper.

I can taste that get-together now. Hey! I was holding that. Next time I'll knock your hat off, scab.

And everyone here tried their best. Well, my family and I can't live in good intentions, Marge! Oh, your family's out of control, but we can't blame you, because you have good intentions! - Hey, back off, man! - Oh, okay, dude! I wouldn't want you to have a cow, man!

Hey, Pharaoh, those half-pint slaves are "exodusing" as we speak. Well, I say good riddance to bad rubbish. Okay. But who's gonna build your pyramids? Well, we Cou-- After them!

(ALL SCREAMING)

those mission bells told me

Marge, turn down the heat.

Stop endangering yourself. Stop endangering yourself.

ANNOUNCER: Next on ABC. Who's Dropping by to See George Lopez? We pray it's you! Open. Nelson, doesn't that hurt your teeth?

Uh, I guess. Hey, that wasn't supposed to happen! Those finks double-crossed me! Poochie's dead! Well, kids, we all know that sometimes when cartoon characters die, they're back again the very next week. That's why I'm presenting this sworn affidavit...

"Live from New York, it's Saturday night!"

Whoa! A sword cane! Everything here is sword. Sword baseball bat. Sword rifle. Sword pineapple. Sword sword-sharpener. Sword pie. ts- Hey. What happened to the sword pie? What do I do now?

Hey! Get off my sugar! Bad bees. Bad! Ow! Ow! They're defending themselves somehow.

"Maybe it's the beer talking "but you've got a butt that won't quit. They got these big, chewy here..." "...Five dollars?! Get outta here." Wow, a side of Dad I've never seen!

You know, I pride myself on being a good host, so I'm obliged to offer you a beer, but I'm so darn mad it's gonna be mostly head. Homer, come back! That's my husband! He's our husband now.

What do babies know? Maggie, can you point to the credenza? D'oh! Homer, you didn't do... a very good job frosting Maggie's birthday cake. What? It's not "Magaggie's" birthday? Oh.

there's only one word for that-- idiocy.

This is Brittany and today's her birthday ? Well, happy birthday, Brittany ! How do you want to celebrate ? Do you want me to sing you a birthday song ? Or do you want me to shoot Sideshow Bob out of a cannon ? The cannon. The cannon. The cannon. The cannon. The cannon.

"Truant! Truant! Truant!" they'll all say!

Wow! Chocolate. Half price.

Dear Santa, if you bring me lots of good stuff, I promise not to do anything bad... between now and when I wake up, amen. Ow! I'll kill you.

What? By saying Macbeth? Stop saying it! Saying what? Macbeth! Ah! Now I've said it! (CRACKLING) Ohhh! This is cool! Macbeth! Macbeth! Macbeth! Bart! Stop saying Macbeth! (CRACKLING) Mom, you said Macbeth! (CRACKLING)

Priceless coins not used in vending machine. Yes, not bad! Uh! Mr. burns! Pirates got your yacht! What? Well, I suppose some mishaps are unavoidable. Furious George!

You know, the whale is not really a fish. They're mammals, like you and me. - Is that true? - No.

Hey, it's morning, and Mom and Dad aren't home yet. Don't worry. Mr. Hutz is still here to take care of us. Don't touch my stuff! Hey. This isn't the Y.M.C.A. Dispatch, this is Chief Wiggum back in pursuit of the rebelling women.

That board with the nail in it may have defeated us, but the humans won't stop there. They'll make bigger boards and bigger nails. Soon they will make a board with a nail so big, it will destroy them all!

Oh, now, now. There's no need to resort to violence. Aw, sure there is.

Here to perform the national anthem are today's honorary batboys, the Cavalry Kids, led by Milhouse Van Houten. After this prank, everyone's gonna hate those Cavalry clods as much as we do. Oh, say can you see

Gentlemen, there's only one solution. We place this last doughnut in the reactor core... exposing it to radiation, thereby making it big!

Get your feet off the upholstery!

Waldo, where are you?

This scene is gettin' old, man. I'm hittin' the road. Maybe I'll drop you a line someday from wherever I wind up in this crazy old world. Kids, your father and I are going through a really tough time right now,

Hey, Einstein, put down your reading. - It's lunchtime. - You go ahead. Hey, you don't wanna eat? What you do, get one of them stomach staples? As Tolstoy said in Quotable Notables, "Give me learning, sir, and you may keep your black bread."

Welcome. I am honored to accept your waste. They're years ahead of us.

the limited edition double-edged lightsaber... from Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace. You removed it from its original packaging! No! It's no longer a collectible! Oh! Oh!

"This year, give her English muffins." Whatever you say, Mr. Billboard!

Enough of your borax, Poindexter! A man's life is at stake! We need action! Take that, you lousy dimension!

End of Chapter 1. Yeah, when it happens in a book, it's romantic. But when Willie tries to kiss ya, you're all pepper spray and fingernails. (CLEARS THROAT) Marge Simpson, long-time reader,

English - US - Line 21

Oh, man, Homer wussed out. I'm so disillusioned.

Become a limo driver at Classy joe's.

Testing. Testing. You've really done it this time, Bart! You're in for the punishment of a lifetime! When do you expect the ringing will stop? In about 10 to 15 seconds! I certainly hope so!

Bart, you've got to go on. Slag off. You've changed, man. It used to be about the music. I said slag off! Cool!

Princess Kashmir ? You must mean April Flower. She's working over at the Girlesque.

Maggie, cut that racket!

Whoop! I can see everything, and they're none the wiser.

I thought I recognized you. I gave you a plate of corn muffins back in 1947 to paint my chicken coop. And you never did it! Those corn muffins were lousy. Paint my chicken coop! Make me! That does it. One of them has to go. Okay. Grandpa.

Mmm. Another broccoli-related death. But I thought broccoli was-- Oh, yes. One of the deadliest plants on earth. Why, it tries to warn you itself with its terrible taste.

Poor Wiggum. Poor Wiggum. I'll bet you really hate Rex Banner, huh? Um, who? The guy who took your job. Oh, yeah. More than anything in the world! Hey, how would you like to show him up... by beating him at his own game?

This is the most thoughtful thing anybody ever-- Sweet merciful crap! My car!

Oh, my. Where are we supposed to get a sitter on such short notice ? Oh, dear. If we can't find a baby-sitter, we can't go. What a kick in the teeth. What do you need a baby-sitter for ? I'm almost ten and a half. Mom, you wouldn't dare. Don't take that tone with me, young lady, or I'll give you a taste of the back of me hand. No, you don't. Grampa ? Hey ! Ah ! Who ? What ?

How I wonder what you are Thank you.

Oh, Rhett! Rhett! Oh, Rhett. Where will I go? What'll I do? Frankly, my dear-- I love you. Let's remarry.

You stink ! - Could you read that last part back to me ? - "You stink !" Heh-heh-heh. Good. You are a senile, buck-toothed old mummy... with bony girl arms, and you smell like-- - An elephant's butt ? - Hee-hee. An elephant's butt.

There's nothin' to it. Give me those heels. Heel, toe, heel, toe, heel, toe. Hmm. Do you really think I can win? Hey, I'm starting to think I can win. But those other girls are prettier than me. Lise, as your brother, this is the hardest thing I've every had to say.

I aint cried like this since I paid to see Godfather ///

Yeah, she's the best. Ooh, can you imagine-- her face on her body?

l was kind of hoping we could use this audio cassette. Seymour, weve got to have a band. Fine. But no cake. Sarah, you’re as lovely as the day I first arrested you. Oh, Clancy. You know, I planted that crystal meth just to meet you. l was so shy.

It's Krusty the Clown!

Now, Son. You don't wanna drink beer. That's for daddies and kids with fake I.D.'s. Besides, it's such a beautiful night. How about a ghost story? And that is how much college will cost for Maggie. No! No! No!

Sorry, Marge. I'm afraid this gets my lowest rating ever-- seven thumbs up. You always liked my pork chops. Marge, I'm sorry, but your cooking's only got two moves-- shake and bake.

I just tripled my productivity. Good. Good for you. "Y." "Y." So many letters to choose from. I'll pick "Y." "Y." "Y." What the heck are you doin' over there? There! You found the floor.

What's a jib? Promote that man.

Some people might call that a pretty corny dream, uh, Sergeant. Well, there's nothing corny about fresh-faced youngsters skipping to school, scraping knees and spelling bees... and pies cooling softly on the windowsill. Well, sir, if that's corny, then corn me up.

Ow... oW. Good morning, Lisa. What are you so happy about? Why shouldn't I be happy? It's a beautiful day, my homework is done, I got my mojo working and we're going on a field trip this afternoon. And looks like I got me a genuine glow-in-the-dark police badge.

Ew! You like The Monkees? You know they don't write their own songs. They do so! They don't even play their own instruments. No! No! That's not even Michael Nesmith's real hat.

It's hauntingly beautiful, isn't it?

Lunch Lady Doris! Why are you here? Budget cuts. They've even got Groundskeeper Willie teaching French. Bonjour, you cheese-eatin' surrender monkeys.

Simpsons Christmas boogie We're dancing to the beat We'll make you move your feet

Oh. Now, in case all that smiling didn't cheer you up, there's one thing that never fails: a nice glass of warm milk, a little nap and a total frontal lobotomy. It's not so bad, Homer. They go in through your nose, and they let you keep the piece of brain they cut out.

Oh, Ned, I am so sorry. I never knew you were such a Beatles fan. Of course I am! They were bigger than Jesus. But your boy went Yoko and broke up my collection. Hey, boys will be boys. I am so tired of that tautology.

Now, Homer, this is a new body fat analysis test. I start you jiggling and measure how long it takes to stop. Whoo-hoo! Look at that blubber fly! Yes. Nurse, cancel my 1:00.

A pretty girl can't look my way without-- Don't. Don't ! Don't. No. Get out. Get out of here. Get your hands off.

Dad, it's the third Sunday of the month ! - You know what that means. - Go away ! Oh, Come on, Dad. I promise we'll have more fun this time. We're gonna see lions ! I can't go ! It's my girlfriend Bea's birthday. Oh, you have a girlfriend.

You call hamburgers steamed hams? Yes. It's a regional dialect. Uh-huh. Uh, what region? Uh, upstate New York.

Maybe he can. Weird Al Yankovic? Homer, Marge wrote me about what happened. As soon as her check cleared, l was on the first reasonably priced flight here. Did you ever get the parody songs I sent you? Yes. Which one was better? Living La Pizza Loca or Another One Bites the Crust'? They were pretty much the same, Homer. Yeah, like you and Allan Sherman.

It blocks out all the external distractions that bombard our souls. Can you pee in it? I'll take two hours. Me too. You're about to take a journey into the mind. You may see and experience things that are strange and frightening. But remember, they can't physically harm you,

Your son was trespassing on my property... and destroyed a very valuable stone gargoyle and-- Are you wearing a grocery bag? I have misplaced my pants.

Simpson, Homer ? Here ya go. Come on, son. Let's go cash this baby and get presents for-- Thirteen bucks ? Hey, wait a minute. That's right. $120 gross. Less Social Security, less unemployment insurance, - less Santa training... - Santa training ? less costume purchase, less beard rental, less Christmas club. But-- But-- See ya next year.

Tonight we salute the silver anniversary of the Great Springfield Tire Yard Fire. 25 years and still burning strong. We watch Springfield's oldest man meet Springfield's fattest man. He's not so fat.

And as for you, I don't know you, but I'm sure you're a jerk! Hey, I've only been here a few minutes. What's going on? You ugly, hate-filled man! Hey-- Hey, I may be ugly and hate-filled, but I've, um-- What was the third thing you said?

Okay, everybody tuck your pants into your socks. And the bold new ideas these tiny tykes unveil for us today... could make thousands of jobs like yours... obsolete.

Ah, I can't believe we ate a whole wedding cake. And an entire pan of funeral fudge.

Connie. Wha-- Connie. That tree! It seems to be calling to me. Of course! Apples! No, Connie, over here!

- Him? - Yes. Maybe it's the salt water in my veins,

And over here is our crowning achievement in amusement technology: an electronic version of what you call table tennis. Primitive paddles have been replaced by an electronic-- Hey, that's just Pong. Get with the times, man. Marge and I played that game before we were married.

Yeah. I got something that's gonna make you a lot less jubilant.

I can't let you down. I'll get some money somehow. Hello, Vegas. Give me a hundred bucks on red. D'oh! All right. I'll send you a check. If only I could think of an invention. Something that would really make money.

I found... a penny! Could this be the best day of my life? Looks like we have a new champion.

Ooh, look! It's Maggie! Uh, Maggie? Sideshow Bob! Hello, Springfield.

I won't drink at Moe's Homer's old garage is all I need I won't drink at Moe's Because Moe's a big jerk and a "she-male" too That calls for another beer. Barkeep!

- Governors Island. - Look! It's ZZ Top! You guys rock! Eh, maybe a little.

A self-made man, like me. Bring this Grimes fellow to me. I want to make him my executive vice president. Yes, sir. Smithers, I've just seen the most heroic dog on television. He pulled a toddler from the path of a speeding car, then pushed a criminal in front of it.

(BRAKES SCREECHING) ALL: (SCREAM)

- Ow! - Oh, the devil has given him superhuman strength. Give me that, you noodle-armed choir boy! Ow! Well, that didn't do it, Mr. Kilt. Look. Let's the three of us try it together.

Ah, now there's the inflated sense of self-esteem.

Okay, the material was a little corny. But Homer and I had real chemistry on screen. Every day I thought about firing Marge. You know, just to shake things up. Homer didn't fire Marge, but he did shake things up-- show business things. D'oh!

No sports, no rock no information For mindless chatter we're your station KBBL talk radio. And now, Springfield's favorite conservative... and author of the well-selling book, Only Turkeys Have Left Wings, ladies and gentlemen, Birch Barlow.

Bart, is it a walking clock? What? No, it's my dog. Oh, he is a gem! Here, boy. Would you like these cookies Martin made for me? My raisin roundies!

You are all very good players. We are all very good players. You will beat Shelbyville. We will beat Shelbyville. You will give 110%. That's impossible. No one can give more than 100%.

All right, we're here. Let us never speak of the shortcut again.

A giant, house crushing, a meteor-- Townspeople. Got any more tall tales? Well, I suppose I could spin ya a few more yarns. But first, who wants to give me a sponge bath? I'm filthy. All right. But your next story... better be worth it.

In a moment, we will show you a picture of the real Baby-sitter Bandit, Miss Lucille Botzcowski. Remember, she may be using a clever alias... Botz ! and should be considered armed and dangerous !

What's that? A call from the president? Hello? Uh, yes. Let me just say this about that. Okay, Mr. President. Bart, this is boring.

Boring! Come on, you schnorrers! Do something!

Stay away from me, Homer! Give me the bat, Marge. Give me the bat. Give me the bat. Come on. Give me the bat. Give me the bat, bat, ooh. Scaredy-cat.

Where are you from? Earth. Anyway, have you ever wondered what it feels like to touch a star? Cool! Or which of the Three Stooges had the heaviest brain?

Hmm, he's a worthy foe. Look at him, Smithers. Exercising away while the others are off at the candy machine. Hey, Lenny, can you get this Sugar Daddy off my back? Okay, but it's the last time. Mmm!

NO-O-o! Apu! Oh! The searing kiss of hot lead. How I've missed you. I mean, I think I'm dying. - Uhh. - Oy.

Can't complain. Well, then, you're ready for your makeup test.

julius! Clancy! Skinner! Seymour! Mother. - Patty? - Cletus! Oh, uh, Barney.

Hello, I am Plato. Please partake of keno, craps and the loosest slots in town. My philosophy is, enjoy. Change, please !

You are watching Fox. We are watching Fox.

I ate too much plastic candy. Heavens to betsy. The star of the show is sick. Whatever will we do? There's only one person who can get us out of this pickle. Lisa? Yes? Help me into Ralph's costume. Showtime, children. Let's go.

There sure are a lot of ugly people in your neighborhood. Ooh! Look at that one! Oh, my glaucoma just got worse.

Let me have them. Bart, that's not funny! There are some who say the monster... is still... here! Friend. Friend!

You can fit your whole head in it. Don't be scared, jub jub. It's Mama. I would kill everyone in this room... for a drop of sweet beer. So, Homer, please feel free to tell us anything.

We have to do something. Marge, it'll cost $8,500. We only have 500 in the bank, and that leaves... eighty-hundred we need.

And say hello to the state's first aqua-car factory. Keep 'em coming, boys!

You guys rock! Eh, maybe a little.

Out of the way. Milhouse, baby! Lionel Hutz, your new agent, bodyguard, unauthorized biographer and drug dealer-- uh, keeper-awayer. Leave me alone! Mom! Dad!

And there's that awful script from The Cable Guy. Lemme see. Stupid script! Nearly wrecked jim Carrey's career! YOu-- I'm gonna-- What?

Homer, you're a bad man. And your seed should be wiped from the earth. No offense, children.

Look, you can either accept science and face reality, or you can believe in angels and live in a childish dreamworld. Science-- What's science ever done for us? TV off. Science is like a blabbermouth...

Only management-type guys with big salaries like me can afford things like that. Guys like me! I'm a guy like me! All right, team, it's the fourth quarter. The Lord gave us the atoms, and it's up to us to make 'em dance. Hey, if Tom Landry's hat doesn't motivate you, then I should just quit right now.

But now I see it is more of a Fruitopia.

Ow! He bit me with my own teeth!

I can't get any closer. You'll have to jump! Piece of cake, son. Crap! Crap! Crap! Crap! Crap! Crap! Crap! Crap! Crap! Crap!

Smithers, I want that man killed.

Mmm, mmm. So, to summarize: Say what you want about me. I can take the slings and arrows.

Me too. Now, let's get going. I got a date with Eudora Welty. Coming, Eudora!

Smithers, I can still sell them snake oil. Now, bring me a wine spritzer and don't be stingy with the vino. Yes, sir. So, Smithers it seems you've underestimated one Homer Simpson our next employee of the month.

Yes, uh, wrote it, uh-- Well, uh, good luck, "Liser." Thanks! I'll see you in heaven! Uh, yes, er, heaven. Oh.

So, I'm trying to talk with Miss November and Charlie Callas over here is blocking my action with... (INDISTINCT) Turns out he's choking on a peanut. Well, punch to the gut cleared that right up. (KIDS LAUGHING) Hey, Bart. Me and Mrs. Krabappel, we're gonna go play some backgammon, if you know what I mean.

At least this time I'm awake for your good-bye.

Hammocks? My goodness, what an idea. Why didn't I think of that? Hammocks! Homer, there's four places. There's the Hammock Hut. That's on Third. Uh-huh. There's Hammocks-R-Us. That's on Third too. - You got Put-Your-Butt-There. - Mm-hmm. - That's on Third. Swing Low, Sweet Chariot. - Right. Matter of fact, they're all in the same complex. It's the hammock complex on Third.

Hi, Ultrahouse. Greeting acknowledged. That voice could use a little personality. Oh, let's try Matthew Perry. Yeah. Could I be any more of a house? Meh. Who else we got? Hey, Cha-Cha, I got more features... than a NASA relief map of Turkmenistan.

This is all because of Homer Simpson.

I can feel an evil presence in this house. Evil ? Quiet, Lisa. You're scaring your mother. Children, get your coats. We're leaving this house right now. Now, wait a minute, Marge. It's only natural... there'd be some things wrong with an old house like this.

My homework is in your park. Let's do it! Yoink!

Stranger, you're a-trespassin' on my dirt farm. Uh, do you happen to need a messiah? No, but I'll take them sacks of money from ya.

Exam? Oh! This is just like one of those bad dreams! What are you gonna do, Mr. Simpson?

Man, this place looks expensive! I feel like I'm wasting a fortune just standing here. Better make the most of it. Ow! Watch it, coney!

Rock and roll fantasy camp!

Bart, what other paradoxes affect our lives ? Well... you're damned if you do, and you're damned if you don't. Well, I guess that would be a paradox too. Thank you, Bart. Whew !

Sizzle! Wait a minute. If a second old geezer got shot, how come nobody reported it? Uh, hi. Um, could we take a look at your leg?

Did anyone see that new Woodsy Allen movie? You know, I like his films, except for that nervous fella's always in 'em. If you want to talk nervous, you should have seen Kirk deal with the high school boys... who egged our Bonneville. Ha! Should have asked them to hurl some bacon. Then maybe I could have had a decent breakfast for once.

I see. What do you say to the accusation... that your group has been causing more crimes than it's been preventing? Oh, Kent, I'd be lying if I said my men weren't committing crimes. Hmm, touchÉ.

Pray for Mojo. So, by waking up a little early and having some extra sheets handy, no one's the wiser. Tomorrow-- destroying the evidence. Ew. Uh, thank you, Milhouse.

Chief, my daughter's up there. You're a father, too! Yeah. But I'm a cop first, then a boat enthusiast, amateur historian, yo-yo dieter, then I'm a cop again... LISA: Help! Help! So much sulfur dioxide! I'm coming, sweetheart!

Mmm! Unprocessed fish sticks.

Ah, music and art. What in blazes? Good Lord! That's a 900 number. Let's see what's in the newspaper today. Hmm. Canada stalls on trade pact.

Homer, Mr. Burns can't see you winking. So--

Surprise! Surprise. Marge, will you marry me? Why? Am I pregnant?

Look! They're making a movie! Robert Downey jr. is shooting it out with the police. I don't see any cameras. Okay. While Mel and I are working,

Oh, dear. It would be a shame if that pretty dress got wet. I'd say the greater danger is her scepter acting as a lightning rod. Unless it's made out of plastic. Nope. Metal. Ladies and gentlemen, Little Miss Springfield has been struck by lightning.

I don't understand. Pigs need food. Engines need coolant. Dynamiters need dynamite. I'm supplying it to them at a tidy profit. And not a single sea creature was wasted. You inspired it all, Li'l Lisa. Oh! YOu--

That plane crashed on my property! Look, Mr. Burns, we want to see some changes. For starters, you can reverse your sexist employment policies and hire at least one woman. All right. I'll bring in a woman. But I still stand by my hiring policies. Get back to work, Stewart!

Oh! That was close. Bart, look at the watch! Milhouse, we broke the watch! Do you realize what this means? Yeah, but you say it first. (CLICKING REPEATEDLY) Oh, man. Things are stuck like this forever.

Hey, Looney Tunes, this is what Michael jackson looks like.

Tee one up for me, cat-ty. Sure thing, mous-y. Nice follow-through. Now that's what I call a moon shot.

Granny, I'm gonna shoot me some Vietcong. Yeah? Well, I ain't cooking 'em. (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) And George Jefferson, wherever you are,

You guys are jammin'l

Bed goes up-- Kids,

You know what? I have a ball. Perhaps you'd like to bounce it.

Mom, will you make me breakfast?

He took Bart too? That wasn't part of our deal, Blackheart! That wasn't part!

J She likes to party She likes to rockJ - JJ - Yeah! But there's lots of other fun instruments, like bass. I hope you wont judge the entire Brian Setzer Orchestra by my actions. Rock and roll is supposed to be about peace and love. - Who said that? - Will you stop saying that?

Help! Help! Somebody, help! Current... too strong. I know. If I sink to the bottom, I can run to the shore.

(GRUNTS) Kids! Why's the cat so fat? Dad, Snowball's not fat. She's just got winter fur. (GRUNTS) Okay, she's fat. (CHOKES) Can't breathe... Someone dangle some string.

Are you okay? I don't smell dinner. "Dear Homer." Ahh. "Sorry you didn't want to join me tonight. I left you hot dogs for dinner. They're thawing in the sink."

Oh, say can you rock There's trouble in a far-off nation Time to get in love formation

What were you thinking, sending Bart to such an awful place? I was trying to punish him exactly like you would. So, in a way, you really dropped the ball on this one. This is your mess, and I'll be damned if I'm gonna clean it up.

I have come to return King Arthur to the throne. It's a history lesson come to life! No, it isn't. It's totally inaccurate. Quiet! Here come the ninjas. What part of "stop cutting my dress off" don't you understand?

I'm very mad at 'ou.

He's truly gone mad if he's thinking that. Well, he can't kill me if I kill him first! I'll kill you, you bloated museum of treachery! You and what army? Stand back! I have powers!

Keep away! Hey, come on! Those are prescription shoes! I need them! You have cooties! You have cooties! No, I don't! Lisa Simpson, report to the principal's office...

Uh, excuse me. No banging your head on the display case, please. It contains a very rare Mary Worth... in which she has advised a friend to commit suicide, thank you.

So what's Stephen Hawking doing here? (ON VOICE SYNTHESIZER) I live here now. You're looking at the new owner of the Little Caesars down the street. Pizza, pizza. Pizza, pizza. Pizza, pizza. Pizza, pizza. Sorry, that button sticks.

It's "craptacular." Hocus-pocus.

It's no use. I guess I'll have to leave all my money to the Egg Advisory Council. Eggs have gotten quite a bad rap lately, you know, Smithers. Oh, look. A bird has become petrified and lost its sense of direction.

But it's got my name on it. just stand over there. Over there! Behold the flying machine that will carry me, Phileas Fogg, around the world in 80 days. Dang! I was aimin' for his head.

Burns, this is a big problem. You just can't throw money at it and make it go away. Gentlemen, I've decided there will be no investigation. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'll go away. You're in big trouble, Burns. Simpson's job requires college training in nuclear physics. You get your man up to speed, or we'll be forced to take legal action. Is that so?

Hot diggity damn! That's good enough for me!

junk. junk. The airplane's upside-down. Stradi-"who"-vius?

We can't do it, man! That's discipline. That's like telling Gene Krupa not to go--

Four, ha-ya-yah. Three, ha-ya-yah. Two, ha-ya-yah.

Hey, Homer, way to get Marge pregnant.

I used to be "with it." But then they changed what "it" was. Now what I'm with isn't "it," and what's "it" seems weird and scary to me.

I take a whiskey drink I take a chocolate drink And when I have to pee I use the kitchen sink I sing the song that reminds me I'm a urinating guy - I'll see you tomorrow! See ya!

You broke a promise to your child. What? You promised Lisa to help her with her costume. You made her cry. Then I cried. Then Maggie laughed. She's such a little trouper.

Baby. Your husband suffers from a persecution complex extreme paranoia and bladder hostility. If you talk to him without mentioning Bart you'd see how sane he is. You mean there really is a Bart? Good Lord!

Only in New York. Mom, are those rabbits dead? No. No, Lisa. They're just sleeping... upside down and inside out. Bart, no fireworks! Put that back! You're the boss.

Now, do you have extruded polyvinyl foam insulation? No. Good. Assemble the aluminum j-channel using self-furring screws. Install. What do I do in case-- After applying brushable coating to the panels-- Wait a minute. you'll need corrosion-resistant metal stucco lath. Wait a minute! If you can't find metal stucco lath-- Uh-huh? use carbon-fiber stucco lath.

Folks, don't miss this Friday's show. It'll be my last.

It was fun. We'll let you know if your glasses turn up. Uh, yes. Well, I'm sure I left them in the car. No one must know I dropped them in the toilet. Not I, the man who drafted the Paris Peace Accords. - Mm-hmm. Mmm. - Mm. Huh.

D'oh! Ow! Oh, Lisa, thank God you're okay. D'oh! Ow! D'oh! Ow! You said to crush him, right? No!

It takes the genius of Carl Reiner and the rhythm and timing that only he and I-- Sir, today every country has a national anthem. Did they have national anthems 2,000 years ago? Sure. Sure we had. Of course we was caves. But every cave had a national anthem. I'll never forget my cave's national anthem.

Aaah ! Oh, man. Let the record show that the witness... eventually... pointed to... Krusty the Clown.

Lisa, please join my family for a weekend in the country. There'll be hunting, charades and ever so many delightful romantic misunderstandings. Lisa! Lisa! Hey, Lisa! They're only using you for your pool, you know. Shut up, brain. I got friends now. I don't need you anymore.

See you in hell, candy boys!

Mr. Simpson, this government computer can process over nine tax returns per day. Did you really think you could fool it? No, sir. I'm really sorry, sir. An older boy told me to do it. You're looking at five years, minimum. No, sir. Please, I can't go to prison.

Well, that was a waste of time. Janie, school is never a waste of time. Since we have 15 minutes until recess please put down your pencils and stare at the front of the room.

Mmm! Homer, I have to go out to pick up something for dinner. Steak? Money's too tight for steak. Steak? Mm, sure. Steak.

- Ooh-ooh! - There she is. There she is, the world's first convenience store.

Whoa ! You certainly have a lot of bowling trophies. I like you so much.

Uh-oh. I smell another cheap cartoon-crossover. Bart Simpson, meet jay Sherman, the critic. Hello. Hey, man, I really love your show. I think all kids should watch it. I suddenly feel so dirty.

Sixty watts? What do you think this is, a tanning salon? I asked for light starch on my nightcap! You call this Postum? You call this a tax return? You call this a supercomputer?

Celebrate the independence of your nation by blowing up a small part of it. All right.

Huh? Mom? Well, it is. I've known your father since high school, and this is the cleverest thing he's ever done. Besides, he's only breaking a silly, 200-year-old law. It is silly, Marge. And look at all the money I'm making! Whoo! Mom! Prohibition may be unpopular, but it's the law, and we still have-- Go to your room, Lisa!

You're right. I gotta get where the action is. Comin' through !

Get off the road, you freakin' maniac! Yeah, you jackass! Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Everything is beautiful in its own way

And as my first act, Mr. Burns, you’re fired! What?

They are our mothers. And you know something, folks ? As ridiculous as this sounds, I would rather feel the sweet breath of my beautiful wife... on the back of my neck as I sleep... than to stuff dollar bills into some stranger's G-string.

I'm Larry H. Lawyer, Jr., and I will fight for you. I also habia espanoi So that's your answer. I'll sue the church. Homer, we cant sue the church. They'll poke fun at us in the church bulletin. It wouldnt be the first time. I couldnt help it. Those pews are so comfortable.

What the heck? Where do you pour the syrup?

What's the sound of one hand clapping ?

Who is your favorite Indian pop singer? Oh, don't make me choose. Shankar, Shankar-- Oh, here we go. Oh! Sorry. You Make me feel so young you make me feel so Spring has sprung

of the-e-e-e-e-e-e

Judge Snyder, motion to declare a writ of boys will be boys.

Hmm. We didn't have a message when we left. How very odd.

Who's up for some exploring? Hey, I'm still checking out japanese TV. Isn't this that cartoon that causes seizures? Bart, what are you doing? Hey, what the--

Neddy! Neddy! He's gaining on us! I'm scared! Come on, Ned! Move this thing! I can't! It's a Geo!

Hey, Boat 28, stop splashing. What are you gonna do about it? Uh-oh. Aah! Leeches!

Yes, everyone loves rules. It's so tough to be a parent these days, what with all the gangs and the drugs. Oh, yeah, drugs. You gotta have drugs. Hey, he didn't pay the cover. Oh, Bart, he's your father. We'll comp him tonight, start a tab tomorrow.

Har-dee-har-har. Get it ?

(SUCKING) I used to love Springfield Park. But it's gotten so run-down. (MEN MOANING) (DOG HOWLING)

Wait. Wait, let me get this down. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Meat Packers' Union Hall. Batavia, New York. I'll send them right out! Homer! Homie, wake up! Wake up. I'm back in business! I had a feeling things would work out for you, honey.

Maybe I should have taken a nice calligraphy class. Oh, forget about it. That Mr. Takahashi's a lunatic.

Uh... "ladies and... gentlemen." just picture them in their underwear. Whew!

Then that glory hog took all the supplies and headed for the top alone. I fell 8,000 feet onto a pile of jagged rocks.

They're not for bowling, Marge. You're so naive. They are for lovemaking. Really ? Yes. Oh ! - Champagne ? - Please.

Family, religion, friendship. These are the three demons you must slay if you wish to succeed in business. When opportunity knocks, you don't want to be driving to the maternity hospital... or sitting in some phony-baloney church. Or synagogue. Questions?

You know, Sideshow Bob, I believe you when you say you're innocent. Indeed, I am. Because we all know you're a naive pawn-- puppet if you will-- of the most diabolical political genius... Springfield has ever known-- Birchibald T. Barlow!

Whoo-hoo! Whoa!

You started off as the bad cop. And now you're the good one. You and Willie got mixed-up about 10 minutes ago. We did not! Now, where's Bart? You better tell me! Oh! You better tell him, lassie. I cannot control him when he gets like this. Now you're the good cop. What?

- Hi. - I have soy milk. The doctor says the real kind could kill me. I wish I was interesting like you.

Foolish dingo. You must find and devour the seven crystal babies... or spend eternity trapped in deep didgeridoo! I am so scared.

Okay, Marge. You hide in the abandoned amusement park. Lisa, the pet cemetery. Bart, spooky roller disco. And I'll go skinny-dipping in that lake... where the sexy teens were killed a hundred years ago tonight.

Marge, is that you? Marge Bouvier from high school? Um, yeah. Hi. Hi, Evelyn. How about that? Marge, you look wonderful! And to think I heard you married Homer Simpson. I did marry Homer. Come. You must show me the pumps.

While we scramble to find new programming, please enjoy this encore presentation of Princess Di's funeral. I was really starting to enjoy... Ethnic Mismatch Comedy #644! I've never heard so many Viagra jokes in 30 seconds. Shut up-a your mouth!

Look at them, Smithers, enjoying their embezzlement. I have a much uglier word for it, sir: misappropriation. Simpson! Listen here. I want to join your team. You wanna join my what? You wanna what his team? I've had one of my unpredictable changes of heart.

Oh, Aunt Selma. Always good for a Fin. Whoa, here we go.

You're it. - Now you are the one who is it. - Understood. Well, I've gotta hand it to you, Seymour. These drab student coverings... have created the perfect distraction-free environment,

Wow! A '50s nostalgia cafÉ. If you won't dance with the doc He'll give you electric shocks Zap, zap, zap Well, well, well. I have never seen such reckless disregard... for a wife's well-being in my life. You just won yourselves a motorcycle! Whoo-hoo! Whoo-Whoo!

Come and get 'em!

Uh-oh. My beard. I broke my beard. Oh, my God! We can't let Homer know!

Three minutes to meltdown. Whew! Saved by the bell. 15 seconds to core meltdown. just do what you did before. All right.

What are you lookin' at? "What are you looking at?" The innocent words of a drunken child. Well, I'll tell you what we're looking at, young man. A town gone mad! A town whose very conscience was washed away in a tide of beer and green vomit.

Nothing could spoil it. Absolutely nothing. Dum-de-dum-dum-dum Okay. Gun-- check.

Elmo go to wrong fundraiser. Bill Clinton? What are you doing here?

Yeah! Kill him! Make him pay! - Get in. Hurry! - Mob, stranger. Mob, stranger. Stranger!

You're here, aren't you?

As soon as Zed gets here, the party will begin.

Hens love roosters geese love ganders everyone else loves Ned Flanders Not me! Everyone who counts loves Ned Flanders

Hey, whatsa matter, you? You crazy kid, you chasing away my business. Buzz off, Guiseppe. Pepe, go for the face!

What ? You heard me. I'm goin' to the dog track. I got a hot little puppy in the fourth race. Wanna come ? Sorry, Barney. I may be a total washout as a father, but I'm not gonna take my kid... to a sleazy dog track on Christmas Eve. Come on, Simpson. The dog's name is Whirlwind.

I have a bomb! Hey, wait a minute! Those are hot dogs! Armour Hot Dogs! What kind of man wears Armour Hot Dogs?

Activate cloaking device!

Wait! You want an alien? This is your alien! Hello, children. I bring you love. It's a monster! Kill it! Kill it!

Memo to Goldie Hawn: cheerleading tryouts were 30 years ago. Let's grow up, shall we? He's such a bitch.

What a magical city. Can we come back next year, Dad? We'll see, honey. We'll see.

Hello, everyone. What a happy, happy day. Wow. I wish I had an elephant. You did. His name was Stampy. You loved him. Oh, yeah.

Who will help me? You, sir?

Do we want Old Man Patterson here with his finger on the button?

You get to see what they do during commercial breaks. We'll be right back with a special report... on soccer moms who hate soccer. Clear! Oh, Lord. I'm so fat.

Oh, no. There's that angry mob again.

My hands are shaking. Better than your eyes bursting.

Oh! Hey, Chief! He splashed me! Look, nobody likes a crybaby, okay? You just splash him back.

Ah, my lucky red hat. Clean as a whistle. You did this to me! I... apologize. No one will notice if you wear a pink shirt to work.

Furthermore, to this beer, I would also like three of your finest, cheapest cigars. Here's my I.D. which confirms my "adultivity." Hmm.

I do not deserve this! I've come here legally as an exchange student. Young man, the only thing we exchange for you is our national dignity. You want to pick on immigrants, then pick on Willie! Willie, please! The children want to pick on someone their own size.

Drinking has ruined my life. I'm 31 years old. My name is Homer, and I'm just here because the court made me come.

Would you please leave without a fuss right now?

Shut up, judge! Peek-a-boo! I see you! Peek-a-boo! I see you!

The Baby-sitter Bandit has left a trail of her daring nighttime robberies... across the continental United States. She could be lurking anywhere, about to descend upon another house full of unsuspecting dupes. Eee ! Wow ! In a moment, we will show you a picture of the real Baby-sitter Bandit, Miss Lucille Botzcowski.

Ah. Look, Scratchy! It's our new friend, Poochie! What's that name again? I forgot.

Yo, I'll tell you what I want what I really, really want What I want, what I want I'll tell you what I want

I'll mace you good! That is completely taken out of context!

Once again the wheel has turned... and Dame Fortune has hugged Montgomery Burns... to her sweet, perfumed bosom. Somebody up there likes me, Smithers. Somebody down here likes you too, Sir. shut up !

But I'm a real tightwad. Can I afford this remarkable system? Absolutely. My prices are so low, you'll think I've suffered brain damage. You are fully bonded and licensed by the city, aren't you, Mr. Plow? Shut up, boy.

Four tickets for Shenani-Goats! Why is this movie PG-13? "It may contain brief rudeness, adult explosions... and scenes with Garry Shandling."

I kicked one of those stupid Itchy characters in the butt.

Trust in yourself and you can achieve anything. All right! Now all we need is a name. How 'bout "Blabbermouth, the jerky Doll for jerks"?

No, Maggie ! Bad baby ! Keep her away from me, Marge ! She's got that crazy look in her eyes again ! So television's responsible.

Ever since you started therapy, all you can do is talk about yourself. Well, what about me, Marge? I just left my first session, and I haven't even opened my mouth yet. You see? You see? "I just left my first session, and I haven't opened my mouth yet."

Don't worry, Marge. America's health care system is second only to japan, Canada, Sweden, Great Britain-- well, all of Europe. But you can thank your lucky stars we don't live in Paraguay.

Now, the cat needs his medication every morning-- No problem. Can do. - and the furnace has been giving off-- - Right. Gotcha. a lot of carbon monoxide, so keep the window open. Cat in the furnace. Uh, you know, I think I'll take Maggie with us. And if anything happens, just use your best judgem-- just do what I would do.

Sure. Sure we had. Of course we was caves. But every cave had a national anthem. I'll never forget my cave's national anthem. What was that national anthem? Let 'em all go to hell except Cave 76

Then why no pictures? Oh, there are pictures. I keep them where I need the most cheering up.

Your burgers are getting cold, guy-- Holy moly. Huh ?

No one knows how he got it, and danged if he knows how to use it. Mule. The name's Lanley, Lyle Lanley, and I come before you good people tonight with an idea. Probably the greatest-- Ah, it's not for you. It's more of a Shelbyville idea.

Hi, this is Corey. I hope you and I can get married someday. Hey, boy, where're you going?

Kids, say no to drugs! Ehh, I could pull a better cartoon out of my a-- Hey! Whoa! Wasn't that great, kids? That's as bad as the tasteless "Itchy and Sambo" cartoons of the late '30s.

And ? I'm worried that you're making too big a deal... of this silly little kiddie golf tournament. But, Marge, this is our big chance to show up the Flandereses. I'm sure it is, but why do we want to do that ? Because sometimes the only way you can feel good about yourself... is by making someone else look bad. And I'm tired of making other people feel good about themselves.

Magic powers! Wedding after wedding after wedding. And did someone say long-lost triplets? So join America's favorite TV family... and a tiny green space alien named osmodiar that only Homer can see... on Fox this fall.

I knew there was only one person who could reunite this troubled clan-- my old fraternity brother Willie Nelson. I'd do anything for keg-meister julius. So I cooked up a phony awards show.

Sir, if you'll recall I'm the one who put a five-percent ceiling on the Keogh plan-- You bean counter, give it up. Simpson's my man.

Don't you people see anything wrong with what Malibu Stacy says? Oh, there's something wrong with what my Stacy says. My Spidey sense is tingling. Anybody call for a web-slinger?

Hey, hey! The Ribwich is back! The Ribwich! The commercials have come to pass. Try the new Ribwich. ts so good youll croak.

Sorry. Uh-oh. Me again. Sorry.

Dancin' away my hunger pangs Movin' my feet so my stomach won't hurt I'm kinda like Jesus But not in a sacrilegious way And now our next speaker is Mr. Warmth himself,

Scaredy-cat. You stay here till you're no longer insane. Hmm. Chili would be good tonight.

They taste like burning.

If there's one thing America needs, it's more lawyers. Can you imagine a world without lawyers?

You what? Come again, Marge? You what? I've joined the Movementarians. And so have all of you. We what?

You can do it, Otto! You can do it, Otto! Help each other out! That'll be our motto! You can do it, Otto! You can do it, Otto! Make this spare, I give you free gelato! Then back to my place, where I will get you blotto! Domo arigato, Mr. Roboto. You can do it, Otto! You can do it--

Maggie, call Aquaman!

Krusty clowned his way to the top of a personal mini-empire... with dozens of endorsements, including his own line of pork products.

Meet me at the tree house, Bart. And come alone.

Is he the same as "jack be nimble"... and jack Frost and Little jack Horner? Say, how about a little NyQuil? All gone.

All right, Pigs, beat those Gougers! Well, I could've been equipment manager, but no!

Three, ha-ya-yah.

childrEn are the future

(WOMAN SCREAMS) (THEME PLAYED IN SINISTER TUNE)

We were learning to use all 33 forks. Young lady, that is not an olive fork! Here's a simple trick to help you remember. Ow! Hmm. Mmm-hmm.

Oh, you stupid dryer!

- Miss Delaware. - She, uh-- Good for her. La, la, la, la, la, la, la Marge, keep it down in there! Homer, my audition is in half--

Sandwich. Geez, we hardly made a dent in that 10-foot hoagie. Well, I'll give it a good home. Mm! You've been eating that thing for a week. I think the mayonnaise is starting to turn. Two more feet, and I can fit it in the fridge.

Oh, no! Chinese fire drill! Serious this time!

I live in a single room above a bowling alley... and below another bowling alley. Wow. I'm sorry. Isn't that-- Yeah, that's me, all right. And the guy standing next to me is President Gerald Ford. And this is when I was on tour with the Smashing Pumpkins. Oh! And here's a picture of me in outer space. You... went into outer space?

Well, boys, the Party Posse is over. But at least I saved you from a public spoofing. Aw, man. We could've been on the cover of Mad. They called me "Smelson!" Ha-ha!

Homer, I got a really wicked idea that could get us into a lot of trouble. Oh! Mindy, we have to fight our temptation. No, Homer. Let's do it. Let's call room service! Oh. Someone is charging room service to the company, sir.

Extra, extra! Ripper strikes in Whitechapel. Boy for sale. Boy for sale. Is this legal, man? Only here and in Mississippi. Oh, Shary Bobbins, this is ever so much fun.

The next morning we went out to the old quarry to have a swim. You guys really gonna dive off of here? Not me. I'm shaking like a French soldier. Yeah. I think I just logged onto my Internet. Only a moron would jump into that-- Geronimo!

All right! Here comes the implosion. "Implosion"? But I thought you said-- Hockey puck!

Say, let's take a relaxed attitude toward work and watch the baseball match. The "Ny" Mets are my favorite squadron.

So where to eat? You like Thai? Tie good. You like shirt?

If I went to a barbecue and there was no meat, I would say, "Yo, goober! Where's the meat?"

Corpse you up and mail you to mama! Well, where'd he go? Oh, got my knuckles all lined up for nothing. Sorry, ladies.

Well, I'll tell you what we're looking at, young man. A town gone mad! A town whose very conscience was washed away in a tide of beer and green vomit. I'm going down to Moe's for a couple beers. I'll come with you. No! No more drinking. I'm tired of looking like the world's worst mother. Oh, honey, you're not the world's worst mother.

Hello, I was wondering if you'd like to babysit my little angels. Sorry, this isn't Abbie. This is her sister. I look after her now. No, Bart, put it down. Put it down, Bart. Bart, put it down.

Really. Well, I'm from Utica, and I've never heard anyone use the phrase "steamed hams." Oh, not in Utica. No. It's an Albany expression. I see. You know, these hamburgers are quite similar to the ones they have at Krusty Burger. Oh, no. Patented Skinner burgers. Old family recipe. For steamed hams.

They didn't have any aspirin, so I got you some cigarettes. Maybe my headache will go away once the show starts.

Oh, there's something I used...

You stupid kid!

- I can't imagine what you mean. - Oh, come now! You wanted to be Krusty's sidekick since you were five! What about the buffoon lessons? The four years at clown college? I'll thank you not to refer to Princeton that way. The point is you obviously still blame me for what happened at your audition.

All right, dorks, this is a holdup. Oh, yes! Download to papa. Yoink dot adios, back-slash losers.

He didnt say anything about SkinnerlnAShreddercom. Let's make this the best year ever. - [Shredder Whirring f - f Gurgling f Today, we have a special guest- a documentary filmmaker... whose works include Lost Luggage, Shattered Lives. .. a n d Up-skirt Dreams.

Later, grizzly dudes.

It's hard to see what's going on. I can only make out the fat soldiers. All right, children, switch. Hey, they're trying to learn for free! Get 'em! Use your phony guns as clubs! Run, children!

What are you kids lookin' at? Hey, look. He's tryin' to get up to yell at us.

Look, Brandine. It's Wolfgang Puck. Mr. Puck, you make the only grub what satisfies my gut worm, I swear. Try my Rice Krispie squares. They are wasabi-infused with a portobello glaze. And you can buy them at the airport.

Homer Simpson, smiling politely.

Mr. Vice President! Someone finally bought a copy of your book, sir.

Hello, Mr. Hutz. I'll have you know the contents of that Dumpster are private. You stick your nose in, you'll be violating... attorney-Dumpster confidentiality. I just wanted to say hello. Oh. Hello.

Homer was there. I saw something terrible and I can't even say it, so I'll have these two dolls do it for me. Kiss me, Artie. With pleasure. Homer's a big jerk. Mm-mmm, mm-mmm. Mmm. Whoa. But I can explain.

Well, not the boy. He drives me nuts. Sometimes I'd just like to-- Homer,

Mmm, fish. Oh, no! That's me! Get me out of here! Get-- Get-- Get out-- Just a minute! Oh, God, no! Let me out! I couldn't be in more pain!

Your father can be surprisingly sensitive. Remember when I giggled at his Sherlock Holmes hat? He sulked for a week and then closed his detective agency. Maybe you'll have to hurt his feelings. The longer he lives like this, the harder it'll be to go back.

This is the real thing. D'oh! All right. Well, that's okay. When they come to rescue him, they'll rescue us. D'oh!

20th Century Fox is betting... it will.

how low will you go. Our most disgusting contestant will win a free trip to Hartford, Connecticut. I thought it was Hawaii. No one said Hawaii.

I feel like celebrating.

I can't believe it. I'm actually running a marathon! I hit the wall! This is so painful. Hey, I got my second wind! Another wall! I just-- Whoo-hoo! Third wind. - Faster, rickshaw driver! - Faster! - Ow! Sir, the whip isn't helping. Silence!

Saxo-mo-phone Saxo-mo-phone Ohh.

Bring him to me!

Coming at you live from the civil defense shack... in the remote Alkali Flats of the Springfield badlands. I'll be beaming out 11 watts of wackiness! Hour after hour of unscripted, unrehearsed comedy, featuring, uh, you know, uh, Professor Gas Can!

Ooh ! Careful, Homer ! There's no time to be careful. We're late.

Wow! "Trucker's Choice." That is so sweet. Bart, where did you get all this stuff? Let me answer that question with... cookware! A frying pan radio! Wow!

Dad, I am trying to do my homework.

Barney will be Twelve Ball, and, Moe, you can be Cue Ball. You're an idiot.

Royalties? Ha! I don't have the money to produce the cartoons. I lost everything. I can't even keep my dad's head in the freakin' cryogenic center anymore. Ya comfortable in there, Daddy?

Hey, Homer. You promised Mom you wouldn't wear your dress outside. Nuts to that. I'm goin' to the movies. Shouldn't you be working? I got someone to cover for me.

You've erased my past. Now I'll erase your future.

Hooks for hands, uh-- Oh, he was wearing a striped convict's shirt. He was carrying a big sack with a dollar sign on it. Classic burglar. Aw, cheer up. We'll catch this guy. Uh, chief-- What? You can't rule it out. Well, there's no easy way to say it, kid.

It's a scientific fact. Quadraphonic sound, a water bed, and now a strobe light. Gentlemen, say hello to the Second Base-Mobile. Wicked!

Ye-- You know, the-- One thing I should-- - Excuse me for one second. - Of course. Well, that was wonderful. A good time was had by all. I'm pooped.

The young people. All right! Yeah! Cool concert. Am I right?

But the menu said "galaxy of prawns." Three prawns are hardly a galaxy. What do you mean your hands are tied? Let me talk to Mr. Quan.

What happened here? Oh, nothing, Marge. just a little incident involving the bogeyman! None of this would have happened if you had been here to keep me from acting stupid! Oh, I'm sorry. I have been spending too much time at the casino. I'll be around more from now on.

Crap! Crap! Crap! Crap! Crap! Crap! Crap! Crap! Crap! Crap!

So I tied an onion to my belt, which was the style at the time.

Now back to Good Heavens. Jesus called today. He did?

Aye, aye. More dogs! More dogs! In you go!

Marge, I have always carried myself... with a certain quiet dignity. Tonight, you robbed me of it. I'm going now and I don't know when you'll see me again.

Whee, I'm Dick Tracy! Bam! Take that, Prune Face! Now I'm Prune Face! Take that, Dick Tracy! Now I'm Prune Tracy! Take that, Dick-- Ned, stop it at once! Stop it! I can't believe I was such a terror.

And here's my pool. I dont swim, so that's where I throw my shrimp shells. Krustofski! Why, look, it's my celebrity neighbor Elliott Gould! Your monkey bit my kid again! Well, if he would stop wearing the banana suntan lcytion-

He- Now he’s... got it! Bart, the larynx is not a plaything. Mom, I am sick ofthe way he treats mel He disrespects me, and I'm just supposed to accept it? That's right. You’re mine till you’re 18. And when you’re 17, I'm gonna know the end is near...

- Ned, I'm James L. Brooks. - Oh, can I call you Jim? James L. Brooks is good. How about some sponge cake? Well, I cant see the harm. With a brandy glaze? No! Or perhaps you’d like to go to a football game. Well- We dont have a team. No!

It's the TV movie of the year-- The Krusty the Klown Story: Booze, Drugs, Guns, Lies, Blackmail and Laughter.

Who is that? Why, it's Bart Simpson! Hello, Bart! He's just shy because I've tried to kill him so many times. Ah.

Two points. Your turn, dear. Hmm. How could anyone make a word out of these lousy letters ? Oh, wait. Here's a good one. "Do." "Id." Triple word score. Hey, no abbreviations. Not I.D., Dad. "Id." It's a word.

under penalty of catapult." Did you see this, Bernice? Eh-- Oh, my.

Hey, what's goin' on? That guy's not Homer Simpson. He's fat and stupid. Hey, looks like they changed the character into a bumbling sidekick. No. No, he can't be! I know. Maybe he's just acting stupid to infiltrate a gang of international idiots. Yeah, th-that's gotta be it.

What the hell was that? Calling home planet. This is Ensign Kang reporting a cigar-shaped object moving at tremendous speed. Sure, Kang, I'm writing it all down.

Come on, come on. Make it, make it. Please, please, please. I want to watch Krusty. Shut up, boy. If they make this field goal, I win 50 bucks.

This is the real Homer Simpson-- A beer-drinking meanie! Huh?

Well, here's what's on tap for season nine. Magic powers!

Ah, what noble visionary thought up April Fools' Day? Like Halloween and Christmas, April Fools' Day traces its origins to pagan ritual. God bless those pagans.

At that point, you will report back here for torture and beheading.

El yoyÓ es grande. ¡Ay, chihuahua!

Oh, well, this is, um, the, uh-- the Listen Lady. Yeah, well, listen, lady. I got so many problems, i-i don't even know where to begin here. Okay. Uh, why don't you start from the top? All righty. Uh, number one, I've lost the will to live.

Hey-- They put a sticker over my face.

Here. Wow! An award statue! Oh, it's a Grammy. Hey, don't throw your garbage down here!

English - US - Line 21

I'll love you for the rest of my life.

How about the Clock Channel? Coming up on The Clock Channel- 6:00.

Trust in yourself and you can achieve anything.

Now hold on, Kang. You can't bully my audience with your fancy ray gun. And now for my final thought. Nobody wins when parents put their petty squabbles above the welfare of a child.

That place had a Manson family vibe.

We could all lose our jobs. Look at all those worried faces... except for Lenny. He looks great. This is the worst day of my life.

Dad, why did you bring me to a gay steel mill? I don't know! This is a nightmare! You're all sick! Oh, be nice! Oh! My son doesn't stand a chance! The whole world's gone gay! Oh, my God! What's happening now? We work hard. We play hard.

Think about it. I mean, what team was Babe Ruth on? Who knows? Yankees. Sharing is a bunch of bull too. And helping others. And what's all this crap I've been hearing about tolerance? Hmm. Your ideas are intriguing to me, and I wish to subscribe to your newsletter.

Choke on your lies! I'll teach you to--

Are they some kind of church? Who cares what it is? The point is these are some decent, generous people that I can take advantage of. But what if they try to talk us into something? Marge, Marge, Marge. Remember when those smooth-talking guys... tried to sell me a time-share vacation condo? You bought four of them. Thank God the check bounced.

Party? No! No parties! What about par-tay? No par-tays, no shindigs, no keggers, no hootenannies, - no mixers, no raves, no box socials. - Damn! And I looked so good on that bike.

Oh, finally, some repression. All right, everyone! Disperse immediately! We are prepared to use force! What? What? We're not prepared, Eddie? - Get 'em! - Uh-oh. Someone call 911! Oh, they never come.

Whoa! Thank you, teacher! You see this watch? ts jammed with so manyjewels, the hands cant move. What kind of watch do you have? Uh, well, I drew it on. See? Uh-huh. You see that car out there? That's a Bentley Mark XII.

I am. It's a little something I whipped up in shop. Mostly latex.

Great. And I'll have a Diet Coke deep-fried. Mmm! Mmm! Need more lap. (GULPING) OTTO: Whoa!

(MARGE SCREAMING)

Big deal. My I.Q. is 280. Stephen Hawking! The world's smartest man! What are you doing here? I wanted to see your utopia. But now I see it is more of a Fruitopia.

And finally, the little spot under your nose. Next, we take some toilet paper, tear off some teensy little squares... and stick one there and there and anyplace you're bleeding. There and there. Don't worry. The blood'll hold it right on your face.

Hey, excuse me, Krusty. We've been watching you at Moe's all week. And your credibility is just-- Wow. Get to the point, Armani. Well, we think you'd be the perfect spokesman... for our company's new sports utility vehicle, the Canyonero. I guess you Wall Street weasels didn't get the word. Krusty's not for sale.

We've all been the victims of a cruel hoax perpetrated by a ten-year-old hooligan. The time has come for finger-pointing, and most of them are squarely aimed at the boy's parents. It's not our fault.

I withdraw my question. Uh, excuse me, Mr. Simpson. On the Itchy and Scratchy CD-ROM, is there a way to get out of the dungeon without using the wizard key? What the hell are you talking about? You're a lifesaver, Homer. I can't deal with these hard-core fans.

Sorry, Mr. Burns, but I don't go in for these backdoor shenanigans. Sure, I'm flattered, maybe even a little curious, but the answer is no.

We call it "Nature's Goodness." What's in it? 2-4 desoxypropenuramine. Sweet. Pleasing taste. Some "monsterism."

So, let's review: You two screwballs have just strolled in here fresh from the sewer... and given me a bunch of bulldink about creating Itchy-- with no proof at all--

Ah, my high school yearbook. You handsome devil. "I can't believe I ate the whole thing." "Activities: none. Sports: none. Honors: none." So many memories.

Sideshow Bob! Hello, Springfield. Sorry to divert your attention from all the big noises and shiny things. But something's been troubling me lately-- television! Wouldn't our lives be so much richer if television were done away with?

I thought I dreamed that kiss. I'm so sorry I misjudged you, Mom. You had to leave to protect your family. How did you survive? Oh, I had help from my friends in the underground. Jerry Rubin gave me a job marketing his line of health shakes,

Remember how I got Milhouse's picture on America's Most Wanted? There he is, on the monkey bars. Try to take him alive. Oh, no! Not again!

He was a kind man. He gave to his community...

Hang on there, big fella. We'll save you. This ain't personal. I just love to scrimshaw. (SCREAMS) Judgment Day is at hand.

In accordance with F.A.A. rules, the first two people to the front will be upgraded to first class. Okay, you two. Come on, Bart! They're gonna pamper us! Not literally, of course.

I want a colossal doughnut, just like the one on the sign.

Doughnut? What's a doughnut?

Groovy, dude. Burn down the barbershops! I hate America! Lieutenant! Lieutenant Smash! Huh? Oh, Admiral. Hup! The hippie fantasy again? They're getting less frequent, sir.

Precious Venus. Thank you!

Don't think of me as a teacher. Okay. So. Mm-hmm? Excuse me. Hmm.

Homer, I was just describing the test. True. Homer, just take the test, and you'll do fine. False. All right, brain. You don't like me, and I don't like you, but let's just do this and I can get back to killing you with beer. It's a deal!

Are you kidding? Does this whole plant have some disease, where it can't see that he's an idiot? Look here. Accidents have doubled every year since he became safety inspector. And meltdowns have tripled. Has he been fired? No. Has he been disciplined? No, no. Aw, everybody makes mistakes. That's why they put erasers on pencils.

Oh, I see! Oh. Well.

Those aren't the socks she came in with.

But I can't enjoy myself knowing my family is suffering. Don't tell me about family suffering. My son went down to Earth once. I don't know what you people did to him, but he hasn't been the same since. (SWING SQUEAKING) Oh, he'll be fine.

He's got the tape of Kent Brockman picking his nose. Look! He's picking his nose!

Lisa, breakfast. I know you're mad at me. But I hope you're not mad at Cap'n Crunch... (GASPING) (CHOKING) (GRUNTING) Homer, we've gotta get Lisa!

They're not sad at all. They're actually singing! They sing without juicers. They sing without blenders. They sing without flunjers, capdabblers and smendlers! Ooh! Tell Simpson I'm ready to deal.

I wanted to surprise you. I couldn't very well chop your hand off and bring it to the store. You never intended for me to use that ball. If that's how you feel, I'll take it back. You can't take it back. You had your name engraved on it ! So you'd know it was from me !

Ooh, right next to the boss. Aw, he'll never know who did it.

I almost fainted, but then I didn't. What are you doing?

God, I was so self-centered! No wonder I didn't see it coming. That's how it is though. One day your wife is making you your favorite meal, the next day, you're thawing a hot dog in a gas station sink. Oh, that's tough, pal. But it's never gonna happen to me.

Don't even think about it, pal! Are we still in Little Italy? Actually, I think we're in Chinatown now. Only in New York. Mom, are those rabbits dead? No. No, Lisa. They're just sleeping...

Yeah, we want Krunchy! We want Krunchy! I thought you said you broke their spirits. We did. You broke nothing. Let's get 'em! To the hydrofoil!

So, he has fire in the belly. But it will take more than belly fire to be the next Baryshnikov! Look, Boris. I think ballet's for sissies. Ballet is for the strong, the fierce, the determined. But for the sissies, never. Now put on this "fuchsiatard." You are a fairy.

And that's what happened. What are you looking at me like that for ? You believed his cock-and-bull story.

Milhouse, you did the right thing. Bart, come with me for punishment. You too, snitchy.

Stealing! How could you? Haven't you learned anything from that guy who gives those sermons at church? Captain What's-his-name? We live in a society of laws! Why do you think I took you to all those Police Academy movies? For fun? Well, I didn't hear anybody laughing! Did you?

- That's sort of nice. What are you in for ? - Atmosphere.

Former president George Bush? Oh, former president George Bush! Okay, let's give it up for the new guy! Now, let's all turn around and pay attention to me again. Hello. Hello! Hello!

Oh! Thanks, Pinky! You've always been there for me. Has given you the call recall Alice

Eww! Dog water.

Yes. I can picture him now-- rugged good looks, sweater knotted about his shoulders, curly locks shining in the sun like spun gold!

Yeah, all right. It'll cover the gravy stains. Hey! Tradition.

And as my final newscast draws to a close,

'Fraid old Zeke, he rides up here with me. Can't trust a pig with watermelons, you know.

Oh, good. Somebody's shadow. I'll just turn and brag about my work. Bart, you've graffito-tagged public property! It was an accident.

Oh, sir, in death we shall be together always.

Hey, set me down at that boat show.

For he himself has said it And it's clearly to his credit That he is an Englishman

So, rather than risk competing with you, I've decided simply to buy you out. This is it, Marge. I poured my heart and soul into this business, and now it's finally paying off. We're rich! Richer than astronauts! Homer, quiet! You'll queer the deal. Oh. Right. I reluctantly accept your proposal.

Groovy, dude. Burn down the barbershops! I hate America! Lieutenant! Lieutenant Smash! Huh? Oh, Admiral. Hup!

Welcome aboard, Mr. Simpson. Any of these boys would be thrilled to have a bigger brother like you. Ugly. Wiener. Crater-face. Suey! Suey!

Sure. There's only one thing you need to know... to be a great quarterback. joe, honey, I fixed it. It was just vapor lock. Oh. Oops. Hey, look, I gotta run. Remember what I told you. Okay, Bart, concentrate.

Mr. Tom jones. Hello, Marge. That's it. Big smile. Everybody's happy. Oh, my goodness! My husband will be so excited!

For all my life Me and you and you and me No matter how they toss the dice it had to be The only one for me is you, and you for me So happy together

Not so fast, Troy.

There was more dumb luck today when Police Chief Wiggum foiled a bank holdup without even trying. It seems the chief had gone to the bank to cash in his penny jar. ...48, 49, 50. What the-- ? Ooh! Good work, Chief. just doing my job.

Mr. Burns, I think he's dead. Oh, dear. Send a ham to his widow. Mmm. Ham. No, wait. He's alive. Oh, good. Cancel the ham. D'oh!

Ooh! Look at that one! Oh, my glaucoma just got worse. The president is a demi-crat! Hello? I can't unbuckle my seat belt. Hello!

Lisa, just because you're 10 feet tall doesn't mean you can tell me what to do.

Coltrane, would you like to hear some music written by your namesake? (PLAYING JAZZ MUSIC) (SCREECHING) (THUD) Coltrane! "Coltrane, you were with us only briefly "but we will always have the ride home from the shelter." And, um, I guess that's it.

And Bart was eagerly awaiting his first day of school. Don't worry be happy Look, Mama! Oh, honey, I can't right now. Bart's gonna be late. Hmph!

Urge to kill fading. Fading. Fading. Rising! Fading. Fading. Gone.

Ahoy-hoy. Greetings, friend. Do you wish to look as happy as me? Well, you've got the power inside you right now. So use it, and send one dollar to Happy Dude! 742 Evergreen Terrace, Springfield.

You know, Marge, this is just like when we were dating.

I'm sure it tells us what we're getting and where we can pick it up. "Dear Bart, Thank you kindly for the blood. Yours truly, Montgomery Burns." Doh ! It's just a card !

I bet he didn't study again. Now he's gonna try to kiss up and get answers from us.

But I do. Now, here's a little trick to help you remember. If it's clear and yella, you've got juice there, fella. If it's tangy and brown, you're in cider town. Now, there's two exceptions and it gets kind of-- Oh! You can stay, but I'm leaving. And of course in Canada, the whole thing's flip-flopped.

Hi, frozen body. Hmm. He's got a lob, but I don't hear a dob. Oh. Uh, there it is.

Oh! Now we'll never catch 'em! I reckon we're safe now. There's the state line.

I like your attitude. Feisty, yet spineless. This man failed the aptitude test and got trapped in a closet on his way out. I don't care. I haven't been this impressed since I first laid eyes on a young bootlick named Smithers. You mean..? Welcome aboard, son. I got the job. I got the job!

Clarinet? Oboe? No. - Saxophone? - No. What was that last one? Saxophone. Hmm... Lisa, stop playing that stupid... Saxophone! That's it! Alto or tenor? D'oh!

Hee. Hmm. Hmm. This looks suspicious, but delicious!

No, Connie, over here! Help me!

What did you do this weekend, Smithers? I caught up on my laundry wrote a letter to my mother. I took Hercules out to be clipped. Who the devil is Hercules? My Yorkshire terrier. He's tiny. You know, it's a joke. Here's a picture of Hurky. Wheww.

Puzzle piece, come out and play-ay! Hey, whets this? "Marge's memory chest'"?

sweetened through the ages, just like wine...

You guys rock! Eh, maybe a little.

(REPEATING) D'oh! Woo-hoo! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh... Woo-hoo! D'oh! D'oh... Woo-hoo!

and Dinner Dog. My client's film predates all of those things, Your Honor. Oh, yes! I've forgotten, your famous film-- the one you destroyed before the trial and haven't been able to find another copy of. Oh, yes. That film. Yes. You don't have a copy, do you?

Homer, it-it's stuck.

You little-- Lisa, no! Your hands are too weak.

Hey, Apu just called. This Friday, Lisa's team is playing Bart's team. You're in direct competition! And don't go easy on each other just because you're brother and sister. I want to see you both fighting for your parents' love! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!

Oh, all right, all right. I'll get your milk.

- Oh, and sorry about your news. - Thank you, sir. Do they know how many eggs it laid in your brain? I prefer not to know. Frankly, one is too many. Echh! The foul stench of youth! Well, let's see. Ming vase on narrow column not knocked down.

Jingle bells Batman smells Robin laid an egg Batmobile lost its wheel and The joker got away, hey Thank you! Thank you very much.

No, wait, it is love! I'm in lo-o-o-o-ve!

Hey, kids, wanna drive through that cactus patch? Yeah! Yeah! No! Whoop, two against one.

Ooh! just do it.

Welcome aboard. You did what? I borrowed your nail clipper. What's the big deal? Nothing. I'm just a little edgy since your mother told me she wants to be a cop. Cool. Will you bring me along when you do evictions? You got it, little buddy.

- Oh, no! Pirates! - Pirates!

Eat my pantaloons!

Glug, glug, glug. What'll it be, boys? Just three X's for me. Give me five. This ain't no five-X whiskey. I can still see.

Here comes the kick. Ow! Yea! As a doctor, I'd say he's had enough. But as a football fan--

- Simpson! - S h h _

Well, that brought back a lot of memories. All right, gentlemen, I'll take your case. But I'm going to have to ask for a thousand-dollar retainer. A thousand dollars? But your ad says, "No money down."

Yesterday, he read us Charlotte's Web... and cried at the end, never trying to hide his tears. A book made him cry ? - Boo-hoo-hoo ! - Waah !

All right. I'll get out my checkbook. - What was that? - Ah, I said-- So, you kids really love the Leader, huh? Even more than your parents? Yeah. No contest. Of course. Absolutely. All right already. But do you love the Leader... more than having your very own brand-new hover bikes?

you'll get just as attached to these three amigos. No! Uh-oh! Somebody's gonna have a tummy ache. Stop him! He's whacked out of his gourd!

I'm sorry. I'm really not comfortable with this, Ethan. What's the matter, luv? It's just-- It's-it's the same, old, tired gags, isn't it? I mean, let's give the audience some credit. - How about a giant mousetrap? - I love it! - Action! - ¡Ay, ay, ay! ¡No me gusta! ¡Ay, es grande!

If elected mayor... my first act will be to kill the whole lot of ya and burn your town to cinders. Mike's on. I know it's on. Park anywhere. I'm not gonna lay any rule trip on you today.

I'm telling you, Bart. One vice leads to another. And then you'll wind up like me. So jaded the only thing that gets you off is freebasing ground-up moon rocks. (SUCKING) All this does is get me to normal. (SIGHS) Thank you, Krusty.

I tell you, Chief. I just don't know what we're going to do with him. You know, you do have options.

I'm dead. So if I play, the guys are gonna kill me. If I don't, I'll be letting Homer down. What am I gonna do? Well, I know you don't want to disappoint Dad, but how do you feel about lying to him? Good. Oh, you guys are so cut.

Okay. But this is where you register as a sex offender. Ah, geez, there's always a line.

If you're happy and you know it, say a swear Boobs! Heinie! Mitten! They're always laughing. Laughing at nothing. How come parents are always nicer to other kids than they are to their own? I guess Dad just takes us for granted.

You went into the attic? I'm very disappointed and terrified.

Ooh ! As read by Larry King. Hi. I'm Larry King. "In the beginning, God created the heaven and the earth. And the earth was without form--"

Yes. Is the alien carbon-based or silicon-based? Uh, the second one. "Zilliphone." Next question.

As a change of pace, I'm gonna let you do most of the work. I think you're ready for it, Alan. And, um, I'll just, uh, get us started. Uh, we'll need that to live.

This is gonna cost me.

Dos huevos, por favor. ¡AY! Oh, que lÁstima. I gotta steal that bit. This is boring. I wonder what would happen if you put your train on there.

"Helms calls for doughnut tax."

You see, we're the ones loading them with mind-controlling additives. But why? To drive people into a frenzy of shopping. That's why flu shots are given just before Christmas. Of course. It's so simple. Wait. No, it's not. It's needlessly complicated.

I can't believe I was such a terror. Well, neither could your parents. That's why they brought you to me.

Uh, excuse me. Is there an Orange julius stand on this floor? I'll sell you this one. It's almost full. Why don't I drink out of a toilet bowl? He'll be back. As for your case, don't you worry. I've argued in front of every judge in the state, often as a lawyer.

Book writing, what a scam, huh? It's only 20 pages long, and this guy wrote it for me. What's your name again? John Updike. Whoa, whoa. I didn't ask for your life story.

Sir, I need to know where I can get some business hammocks. Hammocks? My goodness, what an idea. Why didn't I think of that? Hammocks! Homer, there's four places. There's the Hammock Hut. That's on Third. Uh-huh. There's Hammocks-R-Us. That's on Third too. - You got Put-Your-Butt-There. - Mm-hmm. - That's on Third. Swing Low, Sweet Chariot. - Right.

Can I come too?

You're right. First thing tomorrow, I'm gonna punch Lenny in the back of the head.

All right now, let's empty our pockets. Make me.

My name iS luka i live on the second floor Give me my car, fatty. This is my car! And I'm not fat! It's glandular! Right.

Mmm, false. No, wait. Maybe it's true. No, you were right. It's false. Wow. You really are gonna be a monorail conductor. That's right, boy. You know, I used to think you were stuck... in an emasculating, go-nowhere job. Kids. But now, I wanna follow in your footsteps.

(SLURRING) Don't worry. If I feel the urge to sober up, I'll just talk to my sponsor. Drink or I'll die!

Bad dog! Bad cat! Bad fawn. Hmm. Shoo! Shoo! All right! It's time for ABC's T.G.I.F. lineup. Lise, when you get a little older, you'll learn that Friday's just another day...

Keep firing! Convert the heathens! Got him! No, you just winged him and made him a Unitarian. Look out, Bart! A gentle Baha'i. All right! Full conversion! Thanks, guys. This really cheered me up.

Come on. Tiffany, Heather, Cody, Dillon, Dermott, jordan, Taylor, Brittany, Wesley, Rumor, Scout, Cassidy, Zoe, Chloe, Max, Hunter, Kendall, Caitlan, Noah, Sasha,

The Springfield Police have told me that 91% of all traffic accidents... are caused by you six guys. I knew we could do it!

You idiot! You nearly drank a beaker full of sulfuric acid. Acid, eh? Gee. That would have been stupid. Boy, would my face have been red. Stop laughing, you imbecile. Don't you realize how close you just came to killing yourself?

Bart was so cool. - Little short. He's about this tall. - Don't print that. Word. It just sounds like something I would say.

I think I come off very well. Monster! Run, children!

Krusty didn't rob that store ! Sideshow Bob framed him, and I got proof ! Ow ! My foot ! You lousy, stupid, clumsy-- See that ? Krusty wore big floppy shoes, but he's got little feet like all good-hearted people ! Sideshow Bob really fills his shoes with big ugly feet.

the mythological two-headed hound, born with only one head. Ooh, and here, out of the mists of history, the legendary esquilax, a horse with the head of a rabbit... and the body of a rabbit. Oh, it's galloping away! Here, bunny bunny! Here, bunny!

Oh, here he comes. What is it now, Quimby? Nothing. Nothing. Only the, uh, city has just passed... another tax on puffy directing pants. But I don't wear puffy pants! I meant a, uh, tax on not wearing puffy pants. Oy! I'm sorry.

NAh, baloney. Yeah, right. Oh, give me a break. Wow, cool, man !

the witty banter of sophisticated adults. Yeah, you can't have any fun in bed. Oh, son, when you're older, you'll know better. Mmm. Oh, baby. Mmm.

Have a Duff, boys! Oh, thank you. My English is not perfect, but I have to tell you your beer is like swill to us. Only a swine would drink this beer. Thank you, anyway. You aren't from around here, are you? We are from Germany. He is from the east; I am from the west.

Lotta Cooties. (LAUGHING MALICIOUSLY) (BEEPS) (WHITE WEDDING PLAYING) It's a nice day for a white wedding It's a nice day to start again (LAUGHING MISCHIEVOUSLY)

Must destroy mankind. Ooh! Lunchtime.

Death! There it is! Death! It's only Maggie. Oh, yeah. You know, at my age, the mind starts playing tricks. So-- Aah! Death! That's only the cat. Oh. Aah! Death! - That's Maggie again, Grampa. - Oh.

it's your world and I'm just A squirrel trying to get A nut to move your butt to the dance floor so, yo, what's up hands in the air come on, say yeah everybody over here everybody over there the crowd is live and I pursue this groove - party people in the house - move

Nothin'. Here we go. Yeah. Homer? Homer! Huh? What the-- Hello!

Oof! Simpson, you're a menace. Oh, George, leave the boy be. Martha, I want a divorce. Oh, George! You've made me so happy.

You had no right to make my bosom this ample! Just come back in 48 hours. I can remove the implants. Oh, I'll come back, all right, and I'll bring my husband to do a little malpractice on you) Yes, your husband. I'm sure he's going to be furious.

Agreed. First prize. What? Way to go, Homer. You're number one, Homer. But this was a contest for children! Yeah-- And Homer beat their brains out. I can't stand it any longer. This whole plant is insane. Insane, I tell you!

Psst! The best meat's in the rump.

Homer Simpson! Why can't we be friends why can't we be friends why can't we be friends why can't we be friEnds Your boy looks a little soft, Moe.

Why, you little--

Sorry, I had a really big dinner. Whoo! Dinner! But I'm sure one more french fry wouldn't hurt.

Homer, bring Maggie out.

Do I detect a note of sarcasm? Are you kidding me? This baby is off the charts.

All right! Everybody in the pool! - 'Tis a fine barn, but sure 'tis no pool, English. - D'oh-ith! Is it a pool yet? Yes, Dad.

And from all of us, best wishes for a joyous holiday season. Now in the spirit of the season, start shopping! And for every dollar of Krusty merchandise you buy, I will be nice to a sick kid. For legal purposes, sick kids may include hookers with a cold. (LAUGHS)

Hey! Where is Sideshow Bob and that guy who, uh, eats people and takes their faces? I'm right here, Chief. Oh. Then where's Sideshow Bob? Uh, he ran off. Oh, great. Well, if anyone asks, uh, I beat him to death, okay? Right.

Huh? What is this place? We are the largest organic juice company in Springfield. We grow our own vegetables and process them right here, and we give half the profits to war orphans.

Well, Bart's been acting very strangely, and that pizza delivery truck has been parked across the street for two weeks. How long does it take to deliver a pizza? - Our cover's blown. - Let's roll.

What are they doing to the church? We're re-branding it. The old church was skewing pious. We prefer a faith-based emporium teeming with impulse-buy items. I feel like I want to throw up.

Man, this place looks expensive! I feel like I'm wasting a fortune just standing here.

Sustained. Roger Myers didn't create any of his characters. He stole them all. Stole them all? That could turn this whole case around. The only characters Myers could ever come up with were pathetic stick figures... with the words "Sarcastic Horse" and "Manic Mailman" printed on 'em.

It's a miracle!

Ms. Tan, I loved The Joy Luck Club. It really showed me how the mother-daughter bond can triumph over adversity. No. That's not what I meant at all. You couldn't have gotten it more wrong. But-- Please, just sit down. I'm embarrassed for both of us. Mmm. Ew.

Come on, big boy! Shake the butter off those buns! Shake, shake, shake shake, shake, shake Shake your booty shake your booty Come on, girls. Shake, shake, shake. Smithers, it's out of control.

Whoa! Whoa! Whee! Whee! Whoa!

Uh-oh! Rapids! Please do not exit the raft... until it has come to a complete stop.

Why me, Lord? Where have I gone wrong? I've always been nice to people. I don't drink or dance or swear. I've even kept kosher just to be on the safe side. I've done everything the Bible says! Even the stuff that contradicts the other stuff! What more could I do? I feel like I'm coming apart here.

Spay and neuter your pets! And remember! Save the violence for cartoons! (BOTH SCREAMING) For details, log onto peta.org. (MOANS) (LAUGHS)

Ow! Ow! Ow! What the hell is wrong with you? Gee! Sorry! It's a pretty standard stunt, Homer. Homer, get ready! For what? Remember? Luann and Chase are taking us out to hear Spalding Gray.

Hi, Bart. Hey, cool, Milhouse. You get to be crushed by a truck. It sounds like more fun than it really is. Hey! I-- I think I'm lying on a broken bottle! Beautiful! Use it. Okay. Fallout Boy, origin scene, take one-- Action!

Always a bridesmaid, only occasionally a bride.

I'd like to talk about a subject... that is very important to me. The Boy Scouts of America have molded men... for over 100 years, and-- - What are you-- - Oh! Uh, how's your wife Nancy?

Homer Simpson has been sighted. Proceed at once to Marvin Monroe Memorial Hospital. Be careful when we capture him. We cannot claim the reward unless we have 51% of the carcass.

Happy thoughts. Happy thoughts. Boy, I'm getting mighty sick of this. Huh? Ruff, ruff, ruff. Bow-wow.

What the..? Aaaaahh! I'm telling mom and dad. Who? Mom and dad. Jinx! You can't talk till somebody says your name

Doh ! Stupid joystick ! Three seconds, folks. A new record. Hey, no. I'm not down. I'm-- Get up, you ! Get off the mat. Okay. Here we go. Yo, chump, you back again ? Get outta the way ! How come he's not ducking ?

For your free brochure, send $5.00 to: Dimoxinil, 485 Hair Plaza, Hair City, Utah.

Anybody? Okay. That's okay. Because making a happy home isn't like flipping on a light switch. Duh, light switch? There are tricks to it, things you should have learned a long time ago, such as, if you leave milk out, it can go sour. Put it in the refrigerator, or, failing that, a cool, wet sack.

Behold the rarest of the rare,

Nine. If I didn't have my spoons, I'd go insane. Can I see it? My spoon! Ow!

You're fired, Lenny. Aw, nuts!

Ah, kettle chips. The perfect side dish...

Thinking is for losers. Bart! Thanks for helping me make up my mind! Thanks for cushioning my fall. I didn't cushion your... (GRUNTS) Chloe, I saw your report on Kuala Lumpur. Truly hard-hitting. Thanks, Tom. I really appreciate that.

Hey, Ma, how 'bout some cookies? No dice. This ain't over.

Homer, get ready! Patty and Selma will be here any minute! Oh, no! Better ride this one out in the closet. Sorry, Dad. This is our spot. Oh, yeah? Well, it's my house, so it's my spot. Nu-uh, because we called it. Did not. Well, we're calling it now. You are?

Lovejoy here. Reverend, this is Principal Skinner. I'm facing a crisis, and I didn't know to whom to turn. All right. Mother's gone too far. She's put cardboard over her half of the television. We rented Man Without a Face. I didn't even know he had a problem!

Yeah, right. It's time to rebuild my self-esteem. Hey, what happened to-- Oh, good Lord! What a week!

Really? Oh, geez. All right, Colossus, you're free to go. But stay away from Death Mountain. But all my stuff is there.

Sir Elton, my noble friends and I... would like to dub you a Knight of the Grand Concourse. Yeah, it's for all your charity work and, um, for, uh, you know, teaching us, um, to love again. Really? I did that? How the hell should I know? just get in the cage.

Holy moly. Talk about parenting.

America's fine, AAA-approved motor lodges. The Arabian Nights Room looks nice. The Pharaoh's Chamber has a vibrating sarcophagus. Sorry there, Fred and Ethel. You should've made a reservation.

I dreamed about her again last night, Smithers. You know that dream where you're in bed, and they fly in through the window?

Stop him! He's supposed to die! - Nice work, Homer! Am I proud of you! - Well--

- Radical! - Awesome!

I could call for you. Oh, great. Tell them this is one of those places where rich women lose weight.

What's Lyme disease ? I'll field that one. Lyme disease is spread by small parasites called ticks. When a diseased tick attaches itself to you, it begins sucking your blood, Oh ! malignant spirochetes infest your bloodstream, eventually spreading to your spinal fluid and on into the brain.

Sorry, Simpson. You'll have to do the course again. I was trying to get this Magic Eye thing to work. Ah, look at that! A pony.

When I went to pick him up, Mom was trying to stab him with a hat pin. Shh! You make me feel you make me feel like A natural woman

Well, I suppose... I could just skip college and marry Milhouse. I know this is a fantasy, but I'll take it! - Nah, forget it. - No! I'll never be this happy again!

Ladies and gentlemen, it's Up Late With McBain. i'm your announcer, obergruppenfuehrer Wolfcastle. And here's McBain!

I know you. Your little smart-mouthed boy cost this town the Olympics. Who is it, Mother?

Good morning, Father dear. Hope you're well. Are we taking the new Lexus to Aunt Patty and Selma's funeral today? Hmm. Fabulous house, well-behaved kids, sisters-in-law dead, luxury sedan. Whoo-hoo! I hit the jackpot! Marge dear, would you kindly pass me a doughnut? Doughnut? What's a doughnut?

Honey, are you sure you want to be Mrs. Montgomery Burns? Wouldn't you rather be Mrs. Abraham J. Simpson? No. I don't want to be either. Hot diggety damn! That's good enough for me.

My most hated of all loafs. That was the end piece! That's it! Being abusive to your family is one thing, but I will not stand idly by and watch you feed a hungry dog! Go to your room! No! This family stinks!

Sure. Come on, Smokey, do your Smokey shuffle. (BOTH CLAPPING)

Yeah, I know but... they're on their minibikes and all! Oh, all right. Let me talk to them. Put me on with the lead boy. Boys, there's a call here for ya. Hmm. Oh, well.

Shut up, Gil. Close the deal. Close the deal.

My huckleberry friend moon river and me

I say if it feels good, do it. All right. Don't snap my undies.

I am. It's a little something I whipped up in shop. Mostly latex. What are you doin' out here? We've got a test, and I didn't read the book.

I've prepared a little musical number for jack's special night.

No, no, no. I've got something even more special in mind. it's not unusual to be loved by anyone

Yes, you do ! I hope you're happy, Bart ! You've ruined Thanksgiving !

"and reunited the entire cast of TV's Facts of life, including longtime holdout Tootie." Ohh! Sounds like another Pulitzer for me to polish. Hush, field trip boy! Impaled on my Nobel Peace Prize. How ironic.

Feels like I'm wearing nothin' at all. Nothin' at all. Nothin' at all.

were set by crackpots who half killed themselves. The only way someone new can get in the book...

Cowabunga! Woo!

Live from Mt. Splashmore, the tri-county area's funnest water recreation facility, it's The Krusty the Klown Show ! Hey, kids ! You know, today's the last day of our special week... on location at fabulous Mt. Splashmore.

That's damn fine coffee you got here in Twin Peaks... and damn good cherry pie. Brilliant. I have absolutely no idea what's going on.

And how come Batman doesn't dance anymore? Remember the Batusi?

I can't believe I got booted off the team for Mr. Businessman. I bet I'll get a little respect once I get that Harvard diploma.

Finally, the great taste of Worcestershire Sauce... in a soft drink! Ahh! Steaky!

And it still says "guilty." And "guilty" is spelled wrong! Will the foreman please read the real verdict? We find the defendant guilty. Marge Simpson, I sentence you to 30 days in prison. Next case. The National Council of Churches vs. Lionel Hutz.

Yeah. But you always wind up kidnapped or on a chain gang. And I don't even want to get into what happened on our honeymoon. HOMER: I still don't know why you had that photo enlarged. Oh, forget it. Bart, don't waste your money on me. (SIGHING) Great, lady. MILHOUSE: Look at the cross-hatching on Grover Cleveland's tie.

People of Earth, this is Bartron-- commander of the Martian invasion force. Your planet is in our hands. Resistance is useless. We have captured your president. He was delicious.

- That's why I faked my death. - But we saw your plane crash. Yeah, but I wasn't in it. just before I hit the mountain, I jumped out of the plane... into a carefully placed net. Now that we've blown your cover, I guess you gotta come back and do your show again.

Tramp. B-6. You sunk my Scrabbleship. This game makes no sense.

Hey, i'll give you somethin' to cry about, you loser. You can't catch a football? Let's see if you can catch a rock.

Don't patronize me, Doctor.

Um, Milhouse, if you stay a little while longer, you can have this blazer. It's a Bob Mackie original. Wow! A Bob Mackie!

Those kids are, like, so sweet. If only they had had peewee hockey when I was a lad. Oh, well.

This is Principal Skinner. Bart, this one's for you. Hello, my baby hello, my honey hello, my ragtime gal send me your kiss... Phone.

There she is. Hey, Princess, it's me, the guy from the snapshot. Oh. Oh, hi. Places, ladies, places. Can I get just a little cooperation ? It's show time. Look. I'm here because I want to apologize for treating you like an object. Uh-huh. I also want my boy...

All right, Simpson. You were warned about teasing the box. Wait! I need closure on that anecdote.

Oh, I'm in way over my head. He's, uh, talking to the ketchup now. Burns is sure acting nutty. Maybe going broke and losing his plant destroyed his brain. Could you come along with us, sir? Are you here to solve my ketchup problem? Yes. That's right.

Give the great unwashed a pair of oversized breasts and a happy ending and they'll oink for more. What a movie! And that blonde-- does she have assets! Heh-heh-heh! Sounds like my kind of flick. And how!

Wow. Bu-- Eh-- But I'm talking about, you know, outdoors with plenty of ventilation. That-- How could that be worse? Okay, permanent brain damage or just temporary? I see. I gotta close Praiseland down. Someone could get hurt.

I predict our new alcohol-free Duff Zero... will sell even better than our previous brand. Oh! Well, that's the end of me.

Oh, Miss Krabappel. Oh, your hair smells so... clean.

I love boobies!

Shh! Don't shush me, you rich bastard!

And later that day, you had a book signing! That guy exploits his pets worse than Bob Guccione.

How are things in Personnel?

What? Get it off! Get it off! Get it off of me! Dad, it's in there again! No! It's stuck on my hand!

He didn't go to Nelson's, did he? No, no. I'm pretty sure he's with Milhouse. Milhouse! What? Tell Bart to come home! I think he's at Nelson's!

Don't you ever get tired of being wrong?

"Ice., cream." What do we want? The gradual phaseout of animal testing over the next three years! When do we want it? Over the next three years!

Hurry up. Mom and Dad'll be home soon.

Homer sleep now.

Um, uh, what town did we just crush? Shelbyville. Oh, this guilt is driving me mad.

Happy birthday, Burnsie Happy birthday to you Go to hell, you old bastard. Hey, I think they liked us. Have the Rolling Stones killed. Oh, sir, those aren't-- Do as I say!

What about Bob Hope? He's been consistently popular for over 50 years. So has Sinatra. Well, anyway, we were all getting tired of-- Dean Martin still packs 'em in. Ditto Tom jones.

When I catch you, I'm gonna pull out your eyes and shove 'em down your pants... so you can watch me kick the crap outta you! Okay? Then I'm gonna use your tongue to paint my boat. Ooh. Oh, Smithers, if only you could hear me.

Hey, Homer. Bring me another one of them, uh, burgers, would you? I can't quite seem to... stand up under my own power anymore. One whopper for the copper.

I guess I have been pretty hard on a lot of people, especially my dad. Thanks, you guys.

Just when I was getting over my Chester A. Arthritis. Did-- You had arthritis? Um, no. Hear ye. Hear ye. What's for breakfast? Toast. I don't understand thee, Marge.

Homer, didn't you get any milk? All I see is eggnog. 'Tis the season, Marge! We only get 30 sweet, noggy days. Then the government takes it away again. I think I'm having chest pains.

I'm tired of being a corporate shill.

Mr. Burns, you wanted to see me? Uh, actually, I was wondering if you were free... for a little get-together tonight. Dinner, dancing, and... Mr. Tom jones.

Well, Marge, the other day Milhouse told me my meat loaf sucks. He must have gotten that from your little boy because they certainly don't say that word on TV.

Wait a minute! Let me see that! Well, I'll be darned. Long pants. Read the other one, the non-duck one. "And spirituous beverages are hereby prohibited... under penalty of catapult."

You wish, loser! (GRUNTS) (CLANKING) (HOMER LAUGHING)

D'oh! (SCREAMS) (BRAKES SCREECHING)

You will notice, my new best friend, that we are pretty casual around here. Yes, sir. I will notice that. Very casual, Mr. Scorpion. Don't call me Mr. Scorpion. It's Mr. Scorpio, but don't call me that either. Call me Hank. Uh, say, before we continue our tour, would you mind hanging my coat up on the wall, please? Mm-hmm. Um, uh, let's see.

And scraTchy show

All rise for the Honorable Judge Constance Harm. Uh-oh. Silence in my courtroom! Grand theft auto? It was an accident, ma'am. Don't spit on my cupcake and tell me it's frosting.

You don't have the intelligence to rig an election by yourself, do you? You were just Barlow's lackey! You were Ronnie to his Nancy! Sonny to his Cher! Ringo to his rest of the Beatles! Enough! Lies, lies, lies! I did it! I did it all!

Space coyote? Oh, my God! The ship! We'll all be killed! The light! We gotta get the light back on! Jonathan Livingston Seagull! We're on a collision course!

Clumsy Homer. Everything's always my fault. If he'd just watch out where he was going. Hello. What have we here ? A cherry bomb. I thought I blew all you guys up.

Hmm. Hmm? Wow! Look at this old-timey gizmo. I feel like I've gone back in a time machine. Dad, they have those everywhere.

Then you might want to close your windows before the sun hits Diaper Hill. Look, Daddy. I'm the king of the mountain! Rod, get off of there!

Stop! Wait! Wait! Attendez!

How would you describe your marital relations ? Brutish ? Is this going to be on TV ? Coast to coast. Just A little further. just a little further. Are we there ? Are we there ? Just A little further. just a little further. Are we there ? Are we there ? Food !

Simpson, put that box on Mr. Burns' desk. Chop-chop! Oh, look, Smithers Another member of our nuclear family with some helpful suggestions. And what's your name? Homer Simpson, sir. Simpson, eh? Mm-hmm. I'm Monty Burns.

The lemon tree's gone! And the tracks appear to lead into Shelbyville! Oh, look. A clue. A candy bar wrapper. Oh! They're always eating candy in Shelbyville. They love the sweet taste. We gotta get that tree back! You mean, going to Shelbyville?

Look out! Bart!

Hey, Radioactive Man number 72 ! It's the imaginary tale where Radioactive Man marries Larvae Girl. Wow. Number nine. That's before Fallout Boy became his ward.

Scratchy is getting a haircut. Then Itchy, the barber, chops Scratchy's head off with a razor. Ah, too predictable.

It's not. It's words that sound dirty, like "mukluk." Mukluk. You like that? No charge. Mukluk. Mukluk.

Legalized gambling is a bad idea. You can build a casino over my dead body. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. For you. It's the president. Y'ello? And then I said to the president-- Get this-- Marge? Marge?

Barney, give me your keys. You're too drunk to drive. I'm fine! Okay. You leave me no option. Ow! What was that for? I'm trying to knock you out. Ow! Cut it out! Ow! Ow!

Mmm, here we go again. Skinner!

"L," the losers in her wake

Eat my dust, dust. Oops. Dad, we hit Don Rickles. I'm okay, but the Puerto Rican guy's trying to steal your hubcaps. Just kiddin'. I'm a nice guy.

"Well, we love Bart. "The magic of the season has touched us all. Marge, haven't you finished that stupid letter yet ? "Homer sends his love. Happy holidays. Marge ! The Simpsons." Marge, where's the extension cord ? For heaven's sake, Homer. It's in the utility drawer.

Well, I didn't win. Here's your pizza. But we did win. That's okay. The box is empty.

And to make sure we get there super fast, I'm hitting all the buttons with my palm. (GRUNTS) (SIREN BLARING) (EXPLOSION) Well, that hurt like hell.

And that's what happened. What are you looking at me like that for ? You believed his cock-and-bull story. It's looking good, Mr. Simpson.

Hello. I'm Mrs. Simpson. Simpson. Simpson. Come back for more, eh ?

Buy me Bonestorm or go to hell!

Testing! Testing! Testing. Testing. Testing. Testing.

Mom, why do I have to wear a flea collar? Oh, it's just easier this way.

Of course, all these good vibes can be traced to one feisty little scamp...

You want to know how to make a peach crumble? Kick it in the groin. Ha!

Oh, wait a minute. Stupid grapes. Bunch of creeps ! I hate France !

No! She's mine! Oh, my Lord! Hey! Wha-- Wha-- Wha-- What's happening to me? People can see up my bustle! Hey, stop squirming. Uh-oh. I'm pretty sure she was gonna be the next Hitler.

Listen, boy, we have an understanding, and you'd better keep your end of it. I don't think I'd be any kind of a father if you got D's, and I let you go to Kamp Krusty. - But, Dad! - If you want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now, quiet! They're about to announce the lottery numbers. Seventeen, 32--

Bart, what are you doing up here ? Everybody's worried. - Really ? Did they cry ? - Yes. Whoa, bull's-eye. Bart, why did you burn my centerpiece ? Aw, come on.

Hey-oh! Gentlemen, our city's sucking down the juice like my wife at an open bar.

Can I top you off, hon? No, thanks. More hash browns, sugar? No, I'm good. This just in. Authorities in Six Toe County are on the lookout for a family of fugitives.

Why? Da-- Why? Why must life be so hard? Why must I fail in every attempt at masonry? How's your father's project coming along? I think he's almost done. Yeah, he's done.

Ja, das ist gut.

$30,000 to make cages for animal experimentation. 50,000 for Thai menus. Daughter on wait list at Bennington. 100,000 simoleons... to make the world's first drive-through humidor. Sold to the rich Texan.

"and two comely lasses of virtue true." Keep the pig. How many broads do I get? Hey, hey, let go! You're rippin' it! - No, you are! - No, you are! Let go. That's the charter. Wait a minute. We can just shut off the power! No such luck. It's solar-powered.

(MELLOW MUSIC PLAYING) (PLAYING SCOTTISH TUNE)

If you don't mind, we're trying to watch the mov-- Hey, Vern. Help me get my head out of this toilet. Oh, really now, that's too much. It's Sideshow Bob! You wrote me those letters. You awful man!

Why, you cotton-pickin'-- Hey! No. I gotta pass this class for my kids.

Here's a float saluting the Native Americans, who taught us how to celebrate Thanksgiving. Interesting sidenote on this float: The papier-mâché is composed entirely of broken treaties. They're good sports. The answer is no, Mr. Burns. Not for any amount of money.

Think unsexy thoughts. Think unsexy thoughts. Think unsexy thoughts.

on Happy Smile Super Challenge Family Wish Show. Family Wish Show. Hmm.

Some guys at M.I.T. are sending us reasons why Captain Picard is better than Captain Kirk. Ha! They're out of their minds.

South of the border

Plus, I got this new boyfriend. You know how it is when you're kissing a guy with a tongue stud.

Oh! Who needs her? Now I'll have more time to read things I find on the ground. "La-tex Con-dom." Boy, I'd like to live in one of those!

Homer, do not press the "core destruct button." ...press...destruct button. Don't do it! Don't do it! You'll kill everyone! ...do it! ...do it! ...kill everyone!

Why don't you try to solve the mystery of who put that mud in the freezer? Who wants chocolate ice cream? Me! Me! Me, me!

Homie, it's time you got rid of that thing. All that candy is rotting your brain. (IN A SINISTER VOICE) I think you should get rid of her. Then we can be together forever! Maybe you're right, Marge. Or maybe you're right, Candy Ball. No, Marge!

Stir up some controversy. Rattle a few cages. Hey, stop that! You'll never silence me! I'm the last angry man, Patterson-- a crusader for the little guy! Leave the bird alone! Never!

I said slag off! Cool!

Okay. Now we know you're allergic to cauliflower. But I made a special platter of vegetables that are good for you. It graffiti you can eatie. You get better, son. Meanwhile, the rest of us will be going to the library. Where are you really going? Milkshake festival. Look! You can see the booths from your window!

War, huh good god, y'all What is it good For abSolutely nothing say it again say it again okay

I need to unwind. I know you do, Marge but you know what our vacations are like-- Those three monsters in the backseat-- "Are we there yet? Are we there yet?" And I'm no day at the beach either. "Marge, can I have another sandwich? Marge, can I have another sandwich?" No, I mean a vacation by myself.

Good evening. Tonight my guest is AFL-CIO chairman, George Meany, who will be discussing collective bargaining agreements. It's a pleasure to be here, Krusty. Let me be blunt. Is there a labor crisis in America today? That depends what you mean by "crisis."

Dental plan! Lisa needs braces. Dental plan! Lisa needs braces. Dental plan! Lisa needs braces. Dental plan! Lisa needs braces.

Don't worry. I don't even like using the bathroom after you. Why, you little..!

Nothing! Maybe Laura could watch us. Oh, I get it. "Bart, the babysitter's here." "Let me tuck you in." Silence! Huh? Maybe it's time I wash my hand.

We'll start with a little light yard work, and when you're done, you can have a nice barley pop. I want you to clear out all the weeds. You do know which ones are weeds ? All of 'em ? Good boy. Now, be careful with these. - I'll be inside watchin' my stories. - Ohh.

Excellent. Let's see. What's the smallest amount of money I can think of? A thousand dollars! Oh!

Look out over the water. I figured if one six-pack holder will catch one fish, a million sewn together will catch a million fish. Watch. What's going on? I call it the Burns Omni-Net.

After evaluating millions of pieces of data in the blink of an eye the Gamble-Tron 2000 says the winner is... Cincinnati by 200 points?! Why, you worthless hunk of junk!

Don't worry. Being eaten by a crocodile... is just like going to sleep... in a giant blender.

Please, Mr. Simpson. My brain needs sleep. The test is in six hours. And many of these facts you speak of are completely new to me. Sleep is for the weak, Apu! Now, I'm gonna go to bed... while you look over my notes from ninth-grade history. Okay, Apu. Stay awake and stay focused. Cotton Mather--

We gotta save him!

Drink or I'll die!

It's a secret. Shut up.

Oh. Sorry I'm late. There was trouble at the lab with the running and the exploding and the crying. One of the monkeys stole the glasses off my head. Oh, no, wait. Please, no. Please. I have a funny story, if you listen. I even wrote theme music.

Krabappel? Yeah, Krabappel. They were naked in the closet together. Oh, my goodness! Wait a minute. Bart's teacher is named Krabappel? I've been calling her Crandall. Why didn't someone tell me? Oh, I've been making an idiot out of myself!

What happened to your voice?

Hmm. April Foo-- That sounded like an explosion at the old Simpson place.

(IMITATES LASER GUNS) (MOANING) Barney... I love you, Chloe. And I love you, too, brake fluid. (BELCH)

(PLAYING UPBEAT MUSIC)

What will be, will be You could see it from space, Marge. This isn't a problem for you, is it?

Hello, I'm Troy McClure. You may remember me from such Fox Network specials as... Alien Nose job, and five fabulous weeks of The Chevy Chase Show.

No! Duff Gardens. Hurrah!

Ah! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! What's the matter, buddy? The moron next door closed early. I happen to be that moron. Oh, me and my trenchant mouth!

Hey, it's Duffman,

"Some call it the dog that never sleeps, though it actually does while jogging." Geez! That dog has more education than I do.

I'll mace you good!

That's it! You people have stood in my way long enough! I'm going to clown college!

As a bodyguard, your only loyalty is to your protectee. Not to your family. Not to your country. Not to "Moo-hammad." Even during Ramadan? Shut your Sass-hole, boy.

Yeah. You help me and I, in turn, am helped by you.

I know you do, Marge but you know what our vacations are like-- Those three monsters in the backseat-- "Are we there yet? Are we there yet?" And I'm no day at the beach either. "Marge, can I have another sandwich? Marge, can I have another sandwich?"

All right, mates. Let 'em have it!

Hmm. It's not like the Who to be tardy. I'm worried.

It's not funny, Bart. Millions of girls will grow up thinking that this is the right way to act. That they can never be anything more than vacuous ninnies... whose only goal is to look pretty, land a rich husband, and spend all day on the phone with their equally vacuous friends... talking about how damn terrific it is to look pretty and have a rich husband! just what I was gonna say.

Marguerita I want you. Mr. Devereaux, I can't work under these conditions. Have it your way, baby. You're fired. Oh, Avery. Call me Mr. Devereaux. We interrupt Search for the Sun for this bulletin.

Shut up, Updike!

Welcome to the Duff Brewery. Now, I'm sure all of you have heard the rumors... that a batch of Duff was contaminated with strychnine. - Strychnine? - That's news to me. Are you sure? Well, everyone's talking about it. - It was even on CNN last night. - CNN? No, I didn't see a thing. Well, it's not true. Let's go.

Well, whenever I'm confused I just check my underwear. It holds the answer to all the important questions. Call me... Abraham Simpson. Grampa, how'd you take off your underwear without taking off your pants? I don't know!

Oh, Mindy, you came and you gave without flaking But I sent you BenGay Oh, Andy, you kissed me And stopped me from something And I-- Uh-oh. Dad, why are you singing? Tell a lie. Tell a lie.

I was the first to discover his terrible secret. ich bin ein Berliner. He's a Nazi! Get 'im!

Marge, name one successful person who ever lived without air conditioning. Balzac. No need for potty mouth just because you can't think of one. But Balzac is the name. If ifs and buts were candy and nuts-- - Uh, how does the rest of that go? - Please, just promise you won't buy an air conditioner till we've figured out a way to help Lisa.

Don't kid yourself, jimmy. If a cow ever got the chance, he'd eat you and everyone you care about.

It's the sound of children's laughter... silenced. That's because tomorrow this old carousel, which has delighted young Americans for lo these past six years, will be torn down to make way for the future-- a store that sells designer mouse pads.

Ahh, these Laramie cigarettes... give me the steady nerves I need to combat evil. Gee whillikers, Radioactive Man. Wish I was old enough to smoke Laramies. Sorry, Fallout Boy. Not until you're 16. Look out ! Will Radioactive Man act in time to save the Earth ?

Hi, how you folks doing? I'm Moe. Or, as the ladies like to call me, "Hey, you, behind the bushes." Is this thing on? No. Sorry, Moe. And now, without further Apu.

Hey, Barney, I think you've had enough. Are you crazy? We still haven't tried Raspberry Duff, Lady Duff, Tartar Control Duff-- Barney, give me your keys. You're too drunk to drive.

I hope you're happy, kid. The studio's bankrupt. You just killed Itchy and Scratchy. We killed Itchy and Scratchy?

Well, I'll be jiggered.

Hey, Simpson, wanna trade belts? Well, not really, 'cause yours is just a piece of extension cord. Hey, dude, he's raggin' on your cord. Get him! No running! Time for a little evasive action.

Oh, for-- Oh, very well. Let's all go to the lobby Let's all go to the lobby Let's all go to the lobby Get ourselves some snacks

That is it, Ned. If you don't unplug that phone right now, you're sleeping on the lawn. Will you two shut up? People are trying to sleep!

There's a new judge in town...

Manjula! Oh, Apu, you are such a Brahma queen. Have you come to forgive me? I am willing to take you back. Really? Provided you complete these tasks.

The guys who wrote this show don't know squat. Itchy should've tied Scratchy's tongue with a taut-line hitch, not a sheet bend. Oh, Bart. Cartoons don't have to be 100% realistic.

I'd like to hippity-hop on your balance beam. I don't think you understand the mechanics of heterosexual sex. Well, circle gets the square.

This profession can put a lot of strain on a marriage. Since he's been gone, I've been looking for a substitute... to teach me a lesson I sorely need. Mrs. Krabappel, you're trying to seduce me. Well ?

Well, we could use a new HQ for the Springfield Philharmonic. They're playing Gustav Mahler in abject squalor. (MUSIC PLAYING) Little help? (SCOFFS) Next time we're keeping it.

Armin Tamzarian's reign of terror is over. Now let us welcome our new Principal Skinner, Principal Seymour Skinner. Uh, him.

Ah, you're right. Okay, go ahead.

- I'm so conflicted. - About what? Loyal citizens of New Springfield, you stayed on my side of town... despite a total lack of hospitals and schools... and a sewage nightmare that threatens to consume us all.

Well, I seem to have lost my place, so I'll start over. Aw, for the love of crumb cake. Our sermon today is on constancy-- inasmuch as the-- Moreover, by dint of our application-- of these principles, we can learn--

Hardest hit by the blizzard is Springfield's forbidding Widow's Peak. Our own Arnie Pie is on the scene. Everything's snowed in. All I can see is white. Arnie, please. The ski conditions. Mayday, Mayday. I think I'm flying into a mountain. Tell my wife I love-- That's great, Arnie.

All right, boy! Which con did you work here? Copy off another kid? Pay attention and take notes?

Stupid city! What the hell is this thing? Come off! Come off!

Man, the last nine months sure were crazy. I'll say. I learned the true meaning of Columbus Day. I enjoyed a brief but memorable stint as Sideshow Marge. I became the most popular girl in school, but blew it by being conceited. And then I learned the true meaning of winter.

Good night, and keep watching the skis! Uh, skies.

Milhouse is out bed and full beans. Whoa, it's a miracle!

Pally, this doesn't cost money. It makes money. You make the payments by plowing driveways on the side. Well, I really should discuss this with my wife. Your wife? What, you think I'm gonna buy a $20,000 truck just because you make that noise? I'll take it!

Oh! How much did you see? Uh, nothing incriminating. Good. Well, bye. I don't know why I leave this lying around.

Superintendent, I hope you're ready for mouthwatering hamburgers. I thought we were having steamed clams.

Cranapple juice only counts as one and... (GASPS) My slacks. They've descended. (ALL LAUGHING)

I'm gonna do something your daddy should've done a long time ago.

The bridal feast of Bethchedruharazzeb?

jazz. They just make it up as they go along. I could do that. That's "Mary Had a Little Lamb." Okay, then this. That's the same thing. You just replaced "dees" with "dos." D'oh!

You, uh-- You chopped off the president's head. Bet you didn't see that coming. You impaled a United States senator with the American flag. Why did Mr. Smith kill everybody? It was symbolism. He was mad! But this was going to be the studio's prestige picture, like Howard's End or Sophie's Choice.

You give me fever when you touch me fever when you hold me tight fever ha Kill me.

So long, Mr. Boot. Come on! Come on! Die! Die!

What'll I do? Frankly, my dear-- I love you. Let's remarry.

to... stalk... Lenny and Carl. D'oh!

You little-- Lisa, no! Your hands are too weak. Stop that. I'm gonna kill him. No, I'm killing him first.

Front desk, there's been a terrible accident in my room! Poor Selma. You were having... such a lovely evening...

Let us give no more scrutiny to this bawdy house... and its small clientele of loyal perverts. Oh, I'm afraid this problem goes far beyond Eugene and Rusty. Marge, if you please.

And for the first time ever, our computer lab actually has a computer in it. Hi, Lisa. Hi, Super Nintendo Chalmers. I'm "learnding." Aw, way to go, Ralph.

Oh, Neddy, why has God forsaken us? I can't imagine what we could have done to-- Oh. Oh, no! Hey, Peg, you gotta take better care of the house.

(GUN COCKS) (GRUNTING)

I'm going to find my brother. I don't care what it takes. If I have to move heaven and earth, I'm going to find him ! Yeah, right. Good luck.

Yes! We win again. Will you get serious, Homer? I'd like to win at least once. Come on, Marge. All sports have their lovable clowns--

Uh-oh. Bart! What in the name of high school football?

We'll be right back.

O Canada Order. Order. Do you kids want to be like the real U.N., or do you just want to squabble and waste time?

Oh, I should be resisting this, but I'm paralyzed with rage... and island rhythms. Yeah, way to play the boss's head like a bongo, Homer. He's getting a pretty good sound out of that guy. And--

Hmm. Dear Edna... I never answered a personal ad before but I found yours irresistible. My name is... ...Woodrow.

All hail Emperor Clobbersaurus. Your wife has paid your bail, Mr. Simpson-san. Thank God. Couldn't take another minute in this hellhole.

(SIREN WAILING) So how much bleach did you drink? Not a talker, eh?

Oh, Homer. Everybody's been calling-- Mama, Daddy, the triplets, Vonda Mae, Piney joe, and I owe it all to you. Don't thank me. You should be thanking your brain. Oh, Homer. No man has ever been this nice to me without,

Can I come? - No. - Wankers. Now, Homer, I hear Ray Patterson is a fine public servant. Why should the people of Springfield-- Springfield! Springfield! Why should they vote for you?

It's hard to believe someone that young could have risen to the rank of admiral. Gee! I never thought I'd say this about a TV show, but this is kind of stupid.

i mean, there we were with Hollywood royalty like Milton Berle and Nelson Mandela. And just a few stars down from the Cheerios honeybee. Awards and honors are great, but they don't pay the pickle man. We were earning millions, but we were always strapped for cash.

Oh, you've really turned my life around these past few weeks, Lisa. I've got my own business again, my beloved employees. Oh, consarn it. Uh, come on! Let's pick up the pace, you neglected old nincompoops. Mr. Burns, if you want people to do a good job, you can't bully them. You have to show them they're appreciated. Oh. Capital idea, partner.

Uh-- No. Just rearranging my underwear. Ah. There it is. When you surrender yourself to the Movementarians, you are guaranteed a perfect life of serenity, love and loving serenity.

It's N'Sync! Word! What brings you to Springfield? We saw your band formation notice in the paper. Really? You saw our B.F.N.? I can't believe I'm meeting Milhouse. Word!

What is this place? The refuge of the damned. A place where we can work on our extra-credit assignments without fear of reprisal. Come, you must be tired from the chase. Oliver, bring our friend a hard-boiled egg and some prune juice. Finally, Bart's one of us. Excelsior!

I'm sorry, but we're not supposed to put butter on the Milk Duds.

Oh! Manjula? Apu. Remember me? Obviously not. I am the god Ganesh! This wedding angers me!

The blue being my pants. I'm sorry, Homer, but I'm gonna have to leave you hanging there. KRUSTY: If I may say a word? Why, we're joined live now by Krusty the Clown. Krusty? I want to clear up a misconception about the Whatchamacarcass Sandwich. I used non-diseased meat from diseased animals.

Let's twirl some more platters at Greaser's Cafe, where the '50s are never goin' away! Well, that dream is over. At least we still have each other. Right, honey? Honey?

So, Twiggy, I hear you and your husband, Woody, just had a baby. What did you name him? Chip. Take it off! - All right, Dad. You've been warned. Let's go. - Hey! - Come on. - Easy.

(SIZZLING) Put out the fire first! Boy, it's a good thing I'm leaving before I went nuts. Goodbye, sparkly elves! ALL: Goodbye!

Now, as the Road Runner said to the Coyote, "Meep meep!"

Oh, Lisa, the important thing is, I diDn't get my comeuppance, and I never Will. Uh, dad? I know, honey. The important thing is-- Run!

Marge, may I play devil's advocate for a moment? Sure, go ahead. Come on! Get-- Get in there! D'oh! Stupid game!

Oh, really now, that's too much. It's Sideshow Bob! You wrote me those letters. You awful man! Stay away from my son. Oh, I'll stay away from your son, all right. Stay away... forever. Oh, no! Wait a minute. That's no good.

Marge, there's nothing to be ashamed of here. Today, male flight attendants, or "stewards," are common. - They are? - Yes. Thanks to trailblazers like your father. You might say he was a pioneer. Yeah. You might even say he was an American hero.

Now! Now! Now! Hey, a grandfather clock. Not bad.

Hello, I was wondering if you'd like to babysit my little angels. Sorry, this isn't Abbie. This is her sister. I look after her now. No, Bart, put it down. Put it down, Bart. Bart, put it down.

Oh ! - Champagne ? - Please. There, my darling.

Things have changed.

- Kill her, boy! Kill her! - Stop him dead, little girl! Kill, Bart! Kill, Bart! Kill, Bart! Kill Bart! Kill Bart! Kill Bart! Kill! Kill! Kill! Kill!

Sorry, buddy. You got me confused with Fred Flintstone. Oh. Liberty Bell. Another Liberty Bell ! One more and I'm a millionaire. Come on, Liberty Bell, please, please, please. D'oh ! That purple fruit thing. Where were you yesterday ?

Homer, what is it? Slow down. Yer getta ferda redda oura. Think before you say each word. You broke a promise to your child. What? You promised Lisa to help her with her costume.

There waS A farmer had A dog and bingo was his name-o b-i-n-g-o B-i-n-g-o B-i-n-g-o and bingo was his name-o

Which kind of sprinkler do you like? The one that goes like this? Or the one that goes like this? Oh, and there's this one! It's the last day of school, Milhouse.

Chicken. Hey. Homer, did you just call everyone "chicken"? No. I swear on this Bible. That's not a Bible. That's a book of carpet samples.

Homer, I'm so mad at you.

Well, there's my ride. The underground awaits. At least this time I'm awake for your good-bye. Oh, Homer.

No Edgar Neubauer.

Let's have a minute of silent prayer... for our good friend, Homer Simpson. How long has it been? Six seconds. Do we have to start over? Hell, no.

Homer, drive defensively. - Sometimes the best defense is a good offense. - Faster, Dad.

Glove slap, baby A glove slap, baby Glove slap Baby, glove slap Glove slap i don't take crap Glove slap shut your big yap

Welcome to Japan, folks. The local time is... tomorrow. Here's our room. Homer, you're supposed to slide those doors open. I don't have time for that.

since the Middle Ages had no compact disks or Super Mario men, people found entertainment in abusing the village idiot. So let history come alive.

Frankly, he's underneath the table. Nobody make me any breakfast. A man so deeply in debt doesn't deserve it. But I like to make you breakfast. In that case, I'll just have French toast with double butter and a side of bacon. But no powdered sugar. I don't deserve it. Well, maybe a little powdered sugar.

They're controlling our minds with flu shots. I knew it! Well, kids, now aren't you glad we don't believe in inoculations? Yea! Mommy?

Won't you join our tea party? It would be ever so-- Don't do it, Lisa! It's a trick! Run! Run!

Hey, Bart-Bart, looks like a beautiful day to swipe some "pic-i-nic" baskets. But, "Homi," Ranger Ned's not gonna like that. I'll handle Ranger Ned. After all, I'm smarter than the average bear. Well, hello there, Ho-didilly-omi.

I've always admired car owners.

Good morning, Pierce. Where's Homer? Uh, I think he went to work early. That sounds like a lie.

This will give the humans the perfect flavor.

- So I’ve never been here before. - Hey, Waylon! Who’s the bear? Woof! Ooh, is that the Mr. Burns you’re always taking about? No. He's nobody. Shut up, Stewart. Nice to meet you, Stewart!

Ah, not a bear in sight. The Bear Patrol must be working like a charm.

Yeah, right, Pops. No jury in the world's gonna convict a baby. Hmm, maybe Texas. Besides, she didn't mean it. It was an accident.

Aw, 4:00 a.m.? Now I'll never get back to-- Magilla gorilla gorilla For Sale Hey, you shouldn't have oughta taken my banana, Mr. Peebles.

Oh, yeah. Like when a clown dies. Well, sort of. But I mean more like inflatable furniture, or Last Supper TV trays, or even this bowling shirt. Can you believe somebody gave this to Goodwill? And that kind of stuff is worth money? Boy howdy!

Oh, leather craft. Oh, those poor, helpless cows! Mm-hmm. What about clay? You got any problem with clay? Hey, what's this? "Vincent Price's Egg Magic." Wow. What are we waiting for?

All aboard, boys. I've been waiting for you. Now, I'll tell you-- that doesn't make a lick of sense! I know. just get on the bus. Where's that infernal clutch? Wait, wait. I'll get it. Give it some gas, Grandpa. Oh, quiet, Jody. You're not helping.

What a crappy candle. You've ruined our vacation.

I'm aware of that! - That's over 16,000 kilometers. - D'oh!

Yea ! This is a rather shameless promotion. - Hey, it worked on me. - Me too.

Mmm! Mmm! Lisa, watch out for poison ivy. Remember: leaves of three, let it be. Leaves of four, eat some more. Good-bye. Good-bye, sweetie. Good-bye, Mom. Bye, Dad! I'll write you every day! Don't look in my closet. In fact, stay out of my room altogether.

I'm hitting all the buttons with my palm. (GRUNTS) (SIREN BLARING) (EXPLOSION) Well, that hurt like hell.

won't be long till summertime is through summertime is through not For us now every now and then we hear our song - Shh!

can I be A boozehound not till you're 15

I think it's sad that you equate friendliness with wimpiness, and I hope it'll keep you from ever achieving true popularity. You know what I think ? I think Casper's the ghost of Richie Rich. Hey, they do look alike. I wonder how Richie died. Perhaps he realized how hollow the pursuit of money is and took his own life.

And then-- Oh, wait. That was my physical. Great story, Homer. Really.

Stampy, quick! Pull him out! Thanks, Stampy. Ow!

Tonight, we review an aging Charles Bronson in Death Wish IX. I wish I was dead. Oy!

A roll, sir? Screw you. Oatmeal?

Come on, kids. Let's go home. We are home. That was fast. You've just got to accept it.

While we're waiting for our pie, let's take a minute to remember Great-Aunt Gladys. Wait a minute. That was Prince of Tides.

The best thing about a gypsy wedding is I'm not the hairiest woman here. Yep. Everything worked out for the best. What? Bart is dead! Well, me saying I'm sorry won't bring him back. The gypsy said it would. She's not the boss of me.

I don't know how to tell you this, but... I came down a little early, and, uh, well, uh, I saw a burglar and he was-- he took-- he got all our stuff.

Fantasize about Burly. Hey, you're lookin' at that spokesjack! Well, I can fantasize too! Hmm. Woo! Mama Celeste. You touch me and I cut you!

Whoo ! Long live the queen ! Fellow classmates, instead of voting for some athletic hero or a pretty boy, you have elected me, your intellectual superior, as your king. Good for you. Very well said. Now your king and queen will share their first royal dance.

No TV and No Beer Make Homer-- something something. Go Crazy? Don't mind if I do!

Well, if it isn't my good friends, the, uh-- Simpson family, master. Simpson, eh? Excellent. Dad, do you notice anything strange?

Catch ya later, Tony Hawk! Stay cool, Brett. I dont think this is a good place for a 10-year-old boy. Here's five dollars. Buy yourself a suit and get busy. I'll buy a suit... of drugs!

From Maine to San Diego talking softball mattingly and canseco ken griffey's grotesquely swollen jaw Steve sax And his run-in with the law We're talking Homer

Dad, you bought that because it was full of gummy worms. And you only wanted those as bait to catch gummy fish. Which I did. Mmm. Trophy.

(SLURRING) Don't worry. If I feel the urge to sober up, I'll just talk to my sponsor. Drink or I'll die!

No, no, no ! That won't do at all ! Yeah, boy. Get down on your knees and beg for forgiveness ! Yeah, beg me, Bart. Beg me ! Lisa, I beg of you. Please forgive me !

Hey, hey! If I want a cock-and-bull story, I'll read Hemingway.

I saved your career, man! Remember your comeback special? Yeah, well, what have you done for me lately? I got you that Danish. And I'll never forget it. Hey, kid.

Krusty the Clown, I thought he was dead. Yeah. I guess you ain't been to too many supermarket openings lately.

Whoa! Another acid flashback.

What am I bid... for the logging rights to Springfield's oldest redwood tree? $30,000 to make cages for animal experimentation. 50,000 for Thai menus. Daughter on wait list at Bennington.

Homer, that's very clever. Huh? Mom? Well, it is. I've known your father since high school, and this is the cleverest thing he's ever done. Besides, he's only breaking a silly, 200-year-old law. It is silly, Marge. And look at all the money I'm making! Whoo! Mom! Prohibition may be unpopular, but it's the law, and we still have--

Oh, who am I kidding? The boathouse was the time. My God. They're naked. Double your pleasure, Springfield. I'm sweating. Let's ride through the car wash. Ew. Arr! This picture will serve me well on those lonely nights at sea. This is great. I can finally look like I want...

Ohh! I hate folding sheets. That's your underwear. Well, whatever it is, it's a two-man job. Where's Bart? He's up in his room. Bart! It's okay, Marge. I'll get him. Bart! What the heck's going on? We need Bart to help fold your father's underpants.

You know what you two need? A little comic strip called Love Is. It's about two naked eight-year-olds who are married.

Good Lord. We're on a collision course with a monster from space! That's just a dog in a space suit.

Pull, Duchess, pull!

I'm asking you nicely to open the doors! Take it easy, Marge. How about if we dope you up real good?

Smithers, I'm home! What? Already? Yes. Is it my imagination, or is TV getting worse? Ah, it's about the same. Uh-oh! Look out, Smithers!

Whoo-hoo. Go, S.U.! A&M is gonna kick your ivy-covered butts. Yeah? Well, you went to a cow college. Oh, you're only calling us a cow college 'cause we were founded by a cow. Whoa, Nellie. We have ourselves a barn burner here today.

Lisa doesn't borrow my car and stay out all night with some hoochie. She's no hoochie! Her name is Zelda, and she understands me.

Blame me if you must, but don't ever speak ill of the program.

But before I go, I'm gonna give you a little souvenir of my own! Oh, what the hey. Here you go. Thank you, Dad. Hey, any friend of Marge is a friend of mine.

To be honest, it's a little chilly-- Oww! Get out of the way, Marge. We were expecting a bigger crowd, Homer.

See? He was taking a bite, and his jaw locked. Hey, look. I can fit my entire fist in here. Hey, hey, hey. Cut it out. - What's that, Chief? - Cut it out. Bad cops, bad cops bad cops, bad cops Ooh. Buy three tubes of Mr. Blister,

It's a pain that never ends. How many roads must A man walk down before you can call him A man Seven! No, Dad. It's a rhetorical question.

Hold on, Chief. It might be medicinal. Oh, yeah! Medicinal! Why, without it I could, uh, go even blinder, right? Uh, this might take a while, kid. Why don't you and your buddy run along? Bye, Laddie.

jack, please. I'm married. That must be what's turning me on. Oh, stop it. - Some more. - Filthy, but genuinely arousing.

Bite, fight, fighT, fight bite, bite, bite the itchy and scratchy show. Guest director, Oliver Stone. Oh, God! Get his gun!

Excellent! Now, what have you got for me? (WHISPERS) Homer Simpson has become a snitch. (GRUNTS) Tell me something I don't know. Sometimes I go to the movies alone.

Isn't she beautiful? Little Miss Springfield? First, Tony Randall cancels. Now this. Hey, what gives here? This is bogus! Hey! Where do you think you're goin'? We want Miss Springfield! Hey, set me down at that boat show. I'm gonna be riding on a pack of cigarettes?

I mean, thank you. Come again.

They made an elephant! It's hauntingly beautiful, isn't it? A storm is coming!

You think they actually filmed this in Atlanta? - I don't know. I don't think it's important. - Yeah.

Oh, Elton John! That's my name. Well, not really. Stephen Hawking! Hi, I'm Ron Howard. Billy Baldwin! I'm Alec Baldwin. Wait a minute. Xena can't fly. - I told you. I'm not Xena. I'm Lucy Lawless. - Oh. Wow, Joe Namath!

The way people act around here, you'd think the streets were paved with gold. They are.

I see. Do you have receipt, quote, unquote "sir"? No, I do not have a receipt. I won it as a door prize at the Star Trek convention, although I find their choice of prize highly illogical, as the average Trekker has no use for a medium-sized belt. Whoa, whoa. A fat, sarcastic Star Trek fan.

I'm afraid not. Your father needs your help. You don't want him to get a lobotomy, do you? Hmm... lobotomy. That's all right, son. There's probably a downside I don't see. Uh-huh.

No. I-- I-- I mean just the Flanders family. Oh, okay.

I did it. I made it all the way to-- Aw, crap! It just keeps going! I give up. You beat me, mountain!

I was strolling through the gas one day

This is Papa Bear. Put out an A.P.B. for a male suspect... driving a... car of some sort,

Uh, Brooks, Groening, Simon, you're all cut. Castellaneta, gone. Kavner, cut. Cartwright, cut. Smith, sorry. Cut. Azaria and Shearer, you're cut. Firestone, you're cut. So is judge. Namath, you stay.

Hey, n-no. No, y-you ain't dead. Y-Y-you're just in jail. Oh, right. Wait a second! I'm in jail because of you. You were my friend, and you betrayed me! Oh, my God. He's right. Oh! How could I treat a friend that way?

Relax, Homer. At Globex, we don't believe in walls. Matter of fact, I didn't even give you my coat. Hmm? Wow.

Best... death... ever!

Oh. I-- Must... sign... policy! Sir, I'm sorry. We can't insure you. I made an "H." No, that doesn't count. It's like an "X." Hey, we'd better get you to a hospital. - Can I have a free calendar? - Okay. Clear!

who has blessed mankind with two kinds of clam chowder... help me find the remote. There it is! i Ve never actually been to a baseball game. The fresh air gives me hives. Die, monster! f Male Announcer] You 're watching Monkey (Olympics on Fox.

Excuse me, Mr. Farmer Man. I promised my son he could tip over his first cow. And I-- TOmacco? Yes, it's the latest craze. Try some, won't you? Go ahead, Ralphie. The stranger is offering you a treat. Mmm.

Sure. No 12 off my ass.

Well, duh! Now, that's what I call a happy hour. Morris, something troubles me. My mother won't be home for another 20 minutes. No. I was thinking about Homer Simpson. That's okay. I was thinking about Sybil Danning.

How come I never get any mail? I'm sorry, honey. Here, you can have the junk mail. "Gas your termites," "Freeze your termites," "Zap your termites," "Save the termites." Hello! "Dear Occupant, because of your fine credit history,

By the way, congratulations on your new job, Homer. New job? Marge is pregnant? Noooo!

I want to see what's going on! No, mother! Don't look out the window!

Welcome to the Ovenfresh Bakeoff.

You don't need that.

So I've made us an appointment with Dr. Marvin Monroe. The fat guy on TV ? You're sending us to a doctor who advertises on pro wrestling ? Boxing, Lisa, boxing. There's a world of difference. Gee, Homer, are you sure this is the right thing to do ? Honey, I've given this matter a lot of study,

Uh-- Aurora borealis at this time of year... at this time of day in this part of the country... localized entirely within your kitchen? Yes. May I see it? No. Seymour! The house is on fire! No, Mother. It's just the northern lights.

Marge, I think that's your father-in-law across the street. Happy birthday!

Well, well, look who's here. Mr. No-Bribe. Sure, we'll help you. just sit down and wait for Detective Like-i-Give-A-Damn. Thank you so much. Dad. Honey, Daddy's waiting for the detective.

Well, now. Are there any objections? Probably Marge is gonna have some. Actually, I think it might really help our economy.

Yeah, well, I may not have a fancy black bathrobe... and a hammer like Snooty, but I do have slippers and an oatmeal spoon. Look!

(RAPPING) Yo, yo, yo! Slide your green Into the machine. And don't expect any change, dawg.

It cost me 50,000 Bazooka joe comics.

- in the great state of-- - Wait a second. I want to tack on a rider to that bill. Thirty million dollars of taxpayer money to support the perverted arts.

It's Kurns, stupid! No, it's not. Disregard.

Homer Simpson! Why can't we be friends why can't we be friends why can't we be friends why can't we be friEnds Your boy looks a little soft, Moe. You do remember our arrangement?

Nobody'll buy those. Your store smells. Now kiss me, funny face. All right! Oh! Oh, dear God! Cover your eyes, boys! It's okay, man. If it doesn't affect you, you're not human.

D R over three, or R squared D R, or R D R R. Har-dee-har-har. Get it ? Oh, yeah.

I saw weird stuff in that place last night. Weird, strange, sick, twisted, eerie, godless, evil stuff. And I want in. We don't, uh, know what you're talking about, Homer.

I'm sending you a photo over the Faxtrola. I need you to fly to Springfield and assassinate this man posthaste. Ah, Del Monte. Enjoy them, old man. They will be your last.

Mr. Burns, it is my sad duty to report... that one of your executives has bilked the company insurance plan out of $1,000. What ? Blast his hide to Hades ! Ooh ! And I was going to buy that ivory back scratcher !

Careful now. Nobody likes a show-off.

Mayor Quimby, you are well-known, sir, for your lenient stance on crime. But suppose for a second that your house was ransacked by thugs, your family tied up in the basement with socks in their mouths! You try to open the door, but there's too much blood on the knob-- What is your, uh, question? My question's about the budget, sir.

That's right, Kent. I often get guns and cameras confused. One time, tragically, at a wedding... I don't care if they think you're a coward, Dad. You did the right thing hiding and crying. Yeah. We'd rather have a live sissy mincing around the house than some dead hero any day. Choke on your candor!

Next. Wait a minute. It says here you're single.

Intelligent Italians? Something's wrong.

All right, we're breaking early tonight, class. For tomorrow, you should read pages seven through 18 in Lisa's diary. You too. - Get out! - But I'm not in the cla--

Sit down and shut up! SeÑor MacGyver, you saved our village. Don't thank me. Thank the moon's gravitational pull. That MacGyver's a genius. First of all, he's not a genius. He's an actor.

He'll make you laugh He'll make you think He likes to run and then the thing with the Person Oh, boy. That monkey is going to pay.

April Foo-- That sounded like an explosion at the old Simpson place. Forget it. That's two blocks away. Looks like there's beer coming out of the chimney. I am proceeding on foot. Call in a code eight. We need pretzels. Repeat-- pretzels.

Bye, little dudes.

Run for it, boy!

and she is totally bumming me out.

Of course, I'd have a lot less of those free minutes if you gave me the job. Mmm. You're not as stupid as you look or sound... or our best testing indicates. You've got the job. Now get to work ! I'll get to work, but first I have to say good-bye to some friends.

No, no, no, no, no! Ay. ¿DÓnde estÁ mi tequila?

Your son Bart sounds very bad. Oh, he is. Son, I just want you to know I love you very much. Shut up!

Now I'd like to introduce... a new feature never before seen on TV-- "Dumb Pet Tricks." Oh, boy. Here's a dog that's been trained to catch this red rubber ball. Oh! Somebody shoot it. Somebody shoot it.

I hereby confer upon you the name of Seymour Skinner... as well as his past, present, future and mother. Okay. And I further decree... that everything will be just like it was... before all this happened. And no one will ever mention it again... under penalty of torture.

Okay, boy. That's enough. That's-- That's not for doggies. DOn't-- Oh, geez! Marijuana. Well, I guess he didn't like you after all. He just smelled your narcotics. Book him, boys.

Wait a minute. These aren't exciting new products. You're not even trying. Okay, that's it. Both of you go to your rooms and spank yourselves. Lazy father. Can't even spank his own kids. Homer, you can't punish the children just because you can't come up with an idea.

Give me all your money. Never!

I'll kill you, you bloated museum of treachery! You and what army? Stand back! I have powers! Uh, political powers! It's showtime!

Lousy "Smarch" weather.

Mmm. Sorry, Marge. I'm afraid this gets my lowest rating ever-- seven thumbs up.

Simpson! See you at reveille, 0500 tomorrow!

Uh, Chief, you're talking into your wallet.

The Simpsons D'oh!

You say you're in the military? Sweet Enola Gay, son! I'm gonna come in there and corpse you up! Corpse you up and mail you to mama! Well, where'd he go? Oh, got my knuckles all lined up for nothing.

when the working day is done girls just wanna have fun that's all we really want Homer! Homer is what grown-ups call me.

Well, there's only one way to find out.

I will always be true - Spend my days pitching woo to you Oh! He's been singing for two hours!

Now, where did I put my badge? Hey, that duck's got it! Oh, come on. Come on. Give it back. I need it. Aww, keep it.

What the hell is that?

Vote Lisa! Vote Lisa! Vote Lisa! Hey, I've got a song, too. I am Iron Man! (PLAYING AIR GUITAR) Vote for me! Ah, screw it.

Y'ello? Hello. This is President Clinton. Hey, how you doing? Your determination and grit under extreme pressure are an inspiration. The whole country is proud of you. Well, it's about time! And on behalf of America, I'd like to-- Ow!

I heartily endorse this event or product.

Send him over to my house. I got a few chores he could do. He knows how to mix whitewash, don't he ?

We're dancing to the beat We'll make you move your feet Simpsons Christmas boogie Simpsons Christmas boogie

And the three bears! Oh, God, they're in our food! Teddy Grahams, Gummi Bears!

I-- I won't tell anybody. Dad, you tell everybody everything. Even Moe knew when I threw up on the dentist. Moe thinks he knows a lot more than Moe knows. just give me another chance, and I'll prove I can keep your secret. Okay.

Don't worry. Being eaten by a crocodile... is just like going to sleep... in a giant blender.

I'll send Laura over to babysit as soon as she gets home. Great. Oh, uh, and there was something else. Something I was supposed to tiptoe around-- My divorce. That's it! Whoo-hoo! I'm glad one of us remembered. That could have been embarrassing. Well, I know what you're thinking, and the answer is yes.

But at least we can go out as the great journalists we are. I'm not a journalist. You are now. Remember to keep my boobs in the shot.

Eeny, meeny, miney, moe. Is Homer a hero? The answer is no. I'm Kent Brockman and that was "My Two Cents." Now, Scott Christian with "Laugh and a Half." Thanks, Kent. There was more dumb luck today when Police Chief Wiggum foiled a bank holdup without even trying.

I'm Chuck Ellis from the Springfield Collection Agency and I'm here to ask you why you don't think you need to pay your bills? Oh, I know I need to pay them, but there's just so many. Do you feel good owing money? We've been very patient with you, Mr. Flanders.

And how come everyone gets a bedpan, and I have to walk all the way over there? You mean there? Yeah.

Gyyaaagh!! That guy has got to go.

Re-cy-cling? I'm afraid I'm not familiar with that term, you adorable little ragamuffin.

Okay, let's see if we've learned anything. I want you two to simulate a typical household problem. Go. Uh, Pa, I cut myself on the screen door again. Why, you cotton-pickin'-- Hey!

The only ship worth a damn is friendship. Look. Here comes the "friend ship" sailing your way. Ooh, here. Let me get that, friend. Oops. Lost a nail. Well, that's leprosy for you.

Mister Seltzer? Setzer. No, I think it's Seltzer. What is it, Homer? I came up with a stage move I feel is very cool.

Meh. But the TV gave me the impression that-- We said, "Meh." M-E-H. "Meh."

Lisa, nobody likes a gloater. Right, Homie? Uh-huh. See? Yes. Thank you, everyone. But... 10% of your applause... should go to my little partner, Lisa Simpson. For, if it were not for her infectious moralizing, we would not be here today...

I wish I could retire. Boy, that'd be sweet.

at least the burglar's having a merry Christmas. Bart. You're up early. I couldn't sleep. What's wrong? There was no burglar. No burglar? What does he mean, no burglar?

Those two monkeys are killing each other! - They're having sex. - Oh?

I tried greasing the bucket with bacon fat, but your father kept eating it. Well, couldn't you try a nondelicious fat? Oh, there's no such thing. Hmm. I'm afraid it's hopeless. Beneath that bucket, he's more glue than man. So he's stuck like this forever?

- No cuts. - Hey! I want to register to run for sanitation commissioner. And tell the fat cats upstairs things are gonna change in this town! Okay. But this is where you register as a sex offender. Ah, geez, there's always a line.

Thrust! Parry! Stab, stab, stab, stab! Oh, he ain't pretty no more.

"A rose by any other name would smell as sweet." Not if you called 'em stench blossoms. Or crap weeds. I'd sure hate to get a dozen crap weeds for Valentine's Day. I'd rather have candy. Not if they were called scum drops.

I feel that you should shut up. You know, you really irritate me, Skinner. What with your store-bought haircut and excellent posture. - Mister, I can't stand the sound of your voice. - Oh, really? Oh, now, now. There's no need to resort to violence.

This is Marge Simpson reporting from Lake Placid where the Miracle on Ice never happened.

I had to tell Mr. Burns you had violent diarrhea. Oh! Couldnt you come up with a less embarrassing lie? But you did have violent diarrhea.

and the name of that town is Springfield. (GASPING) I was attacked, humiliated, and fed misleading gum. I give Springfield the lowest rating I've ever given a city, a six out of 10. (CLATTERING) I hope this bad publicity doesn't affect tourism.

Get my filthy hands off my sister!

Phew. Man, it's windy as hell out there.

Hey, what on earth are you doing? Practicing tennis. That's tennis? Then what's the one where the chicks whale on each other? Foxy boxing? Yes! That's what I wanted.

Get out. So much for the legendary gypsy hospitality. Beads! Ow! - Hmm? - Hmm? Wait a minute. This isn't Cedars-Sinai.

Homer, there's a family of possums in here. I call the big one Bitey.

Mr. Plow. That name again is Mr. Plow. Hello, I'm calling from Delinquent Accounts at Kumatsu Motors. Oh, you want the Mr. Plow who plows driveways. This is Tony Plow. You know, from Leave It to Beaver. Yeah. They were gay.

I've got it! No fires! Oh. There must be a way to outsmart them. Ah, you can't outsmart carnival folk. They're the cleverest folk in the world. just look at the way they sucker regular folk with those crooked games. That's it. Fire!

We simply unleash wave after wave of Chinese needle snakes. They'll wipe out the lizards. But aren't the snakes even worse? Yes, but we're prepared for that. We've lined up a fabulous type of gorilla that thrives on snake meat. Then we're stuck with gorillas! No, that's the beautiful part. When wintertime rolls around, the gorillas simply freeze to death.

Uh, can't make it in today, Mr. Smithers.

Now what? Come on. I want to go home. So, Laddie, thank you for your heroic rescue. And, Baby Gerald, we can't help but wonder what mischief you'll get into next. Now can we go home?

There's the coffee mug from Heartbeeps! And there's the cane from Citizen Kane! Wait a minute. There was no cane in Citizen Kane.

Look, Maggie. Funny Daddy! (GROANING) Too hard. Nine, ten, start over again! One, two, tie your shoe Three, four, pick up the floor Five, six...

You know, Fox turned into a hard-core sex channel so gradually, I didn't even notice. Yeesh! Marge, it's so great to have the whole family together under one roof. I never realized how much I missed it. Listen to the murmurs in the next room.

I'll stop them! Oh, no! It's coming back this way! That throwing-stick stunt of yours has boomeranged on us! Hey! We can get away in their pouches!

Lisa, stop playing that stupid... Saxophone! That's it! Alto or tenor? D'oh!

You know, Marge, this is just like when we were dating. Except for one thing-- no chaperone. Ho, ho, hoo !

There's a DVD player, but it doesn't work.

Alex did ours. Yeah. All you need is a thumbtack and a whole lot of paper towels. Uh, but I don't think I'm ready for pierced ears. Well, maybe you can put them on your doll. just kidding, Lise.

TV sure has come a long way, huh, Milhouse? (MILHOUSE LAUGHING) Check it out! I'm riding some guy named Ironside! Ow, my banana! Danger, danger. Door ajar. The indignity. The agents got all my money.

Ya got me, didn't ya? All right. Here you go. Red Tick Beer. Hmm. Bold, refreshing... and something I can't quite put my finger on. Hmm. Needs more dog.

Delightfully devilish, Seymour.

Ever notice after dialysis... you always get the munchies? He's saying the stuff we all forgot. And you know what I can't open? Cabinets. Can he say that?

Tonight on Smartline: "I'm okay. You're too fat." Here's your host, Kent Brockman.

Well, we were lucky this time. But it's all too clear that some things in this universe... aren't meant to be trifled with. Homer, what are you doing? Something I should have done a long time ago. I'll teach you to mess with my machine! I'm gonna chop you good!

That was close. Very close.

- Yes. - Okay. Wait a minute. Why did it take you so long to say yes? No reason. Okay. Wait a minute. Are you humoring me?

Now I'd like to introduce... a new feature never before seen on TV-- "Dumb Pet Tricks." Oh, boy. Here's a dog that's been trained to catch this red rubber ball. Oh! Somebody shoot it. Somebody shoot it.

Keep away! Hey, come on! Those are prescription shoes! I need them! You have cooties! You have cooties! No, I don't!

(GROANS NERVOUSLY)

Quiet, you blundering fool! You'll curse us all!

Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Jingle Bell R-- Huh? Jingle bell what? Dad, it's a blackout. A blackout? Every time Santa and I get together it's a disaster. Oh, no, the power's out? We'll miss Fox Celebrity Boxing!

Yeah, you can't have any fun in bed. Oh, son, when you're older, you'll know better. Mmm. Oh, baby. Mmm.

Well, I wanna have a baby before it's too late. You're lookin' at a free lunch, boys. Come and get it. Ach! Back to the loch with you, Nessie.

Ooh! A friendly bee. Ow. That sting hurts so much.

Sure, boy. First, you gotta shriek like a woman. And keep sobbing till he turns away in disgust. That's when it's time to kick some back. And then when he's lying out on the ground-- Yeah? Kick him in the ribs. Yeah? Step on his neck. Yeah?

- No, no, triple. - Thank you.

This isn't what I wanted. Where's the edge? I followed your napkin. No napkin could wipe the crumbs of failure from your mouth! No! No, don't fight. All great art is controversial at first. But years from now, people will point to these cuddly little creatures and say,

Hey, no problemo, Bart-dude. I'll get rid of it. No! Oh, no. I just made my last payment. Oh.

Okay. Don't panic. Remember the advice your father gave you on your wedding day. If you ever travel back in time, don't step on anything... because even the tiniest change... can alter the future in ways you can't imagine.

Oh, Bart. It's me, a jolly policeman. Oh, we got Willie. Come on out so we can give you a medal. Way to go, Officer.

Um, Dad? Yeah? What is the mind? Is it just a system of impulses, or is it something tangible? Relax. What is mind? No matter. What is matter? Never mind. Thanks, Dad. Good night, Son.

Ozzie and the Straw

Tonight it's F. Murray Abraham. But I really need to-- F. Murray Abraham! There's a rest area. Pull over. Can't stop now. We're making great time. Can I go behind a tree?

You know, these hamburgers are quite similar to the ones they have at Krusty Burger. Oh, no. Patented Skinner burgers. Old family recipe. For steamed hams. Yes. Yes. And you call them steamed hams despite the fact that they are obviously grilled.

See? I told you it was over. Hmm. I don't remember a bowling alley being there--

You will now go back to your hometowns... and do kids' parties, swap meets... and all the other piddly crap I wouldn't touch with a 10-foot clown pole.

Okay, gentlemen, I want you to raise your hand when you hear the tone. You can't tell me what to do. Nothing yet.

Give me the bat, Marge. Give me the bat. Give me the bat. Come on. Give me the bat. Give me the bat, bat, ooh. Scaredy-cat.

Well, ain't that somethin'. Our game! Our home! What happened here? Cops took it. What? Why didn't you bribe 'em? I was trying to, but the opportunity never came up. Oh, good Lord. Our whole life was in that trailer.

He can't be the Hulk. I'm the Hulk. Oh, please. You couldn't even change into Bill Bixby. Come on, damn it! Change! Ah, forget it.

Why, you ill-mannered sack of crap!

Oh, no! My favorite aggie! Oh! ha? Hmm? Oh. You stole my bit! YOu-- That's my bit, you-- Oh, you stole my bit! Cut! Oh, my God! He's killed the original Alfalfa!

(SOBBING) I just want to get on that boat and go home! Well, you don't need a boat because you can walk. (WAILING) Yeah. What do those women expect? When you sign a contract with Fox, you know you're gonna be betrayed and humiliated.

...uh, jock Strap. Is I.P. Freely here? Hey, is there a Butts here? Seymour Butts? Uh, Homer Sexual? Mike Rotch? Uh, Amanda Huggenkiss? Uh, Hugh jass? Ivana Tinkle?

Whew. I'm glad that wasn't us.

And to challenge the irresistible force of Tatum, we have the immovable object. He's been called the Brick Hit House... and is also known as the Southern Dandy, Homer Simpson!

They're burned on the outside, but they're frozen on the inside, so it balances out. Yeah, good. That raccoon stole my lamb chop!

an innocent peck on the cheek? Okay. Mmm! Mmm! Oh, no. If Marge marries Artie, I'll never be born.

Mojo. What have they done to you? Pray for Mojo.

Sorry, but I'm afraid Ernest Borgnine has already been confirmed. Hiya! I'm sure you kids know me best... as Sergeant Fatso judson in From Here to Eternity.

Anything for these noble animals. So like us.

Kids, there's three ways to do things-- the right way, the wrong way and the Max Power way. Isn't that the wrong way? Yeah, but faster! D'oh!

Smithers, this calls for the League of Evil! My league! My beautiful league! All dead. Even monsters need air, sir. Blast! Well, gather their watches.

All I can give you are these chewable Prozac for kids. Your choice-- Manic-depressive Mouse or the Bluebird of Unhappiness.

Huckleberry Hound? Chief Wiggum? Yogi Bear? Ha! Andy Griffith. Edward G. Robinson. Art Carney.

Hey, Simpson. I'm feeling a mite peckish. Mind if I chew your ear?

Oh, my God, I'd be killed! It frightens me that you want to work on something that's so unsafe. We monorail conductors are a crazy breed, half in love with death, gobbling up danger like ordinary men eat peanuts. - Am I turning you on? - No. What if I undo this button? Good night, Homer.

You get your man up to speed, or we'll be forced to take legal action. Is that so? Well, I have the feeling you'll be... dropping the charges. The painters moved your desk, sir. Oh, yes.

Hey, cool. I'm dead !

10,000 Duff labels to bring me here today. I've got a bottomless mug of new Duff Extra Cold... for Barney Gumble! Oh, yeah

Pass the cookie dough. Dust off your hula skirts, angels. There's been a murder in Hawaii. Hawaii, it is, Charlie.

road... rage. Duh! Quiet, fatso! The sergeant's talking! Go on, dear. In these modern, hectic days of fast food, answering machines and one-night stands, people are getting angrier. Now, what you're about to see is not pretty.

Shh! You hit her pretty hard there, Rick.

What's a Tim Conway? Oh, about a 120 pounds.

When are they gonna get to the fireworks factory?

Mountain Dew or crab juice. Oh, geez! I'll take a crab juice.

I'm riding a unicycle with my pants down.

We now return to Troy McClure and Delores Montenegro in Preacher With a Shovel. But Irrigation can save your people, Chief Smiling Bear.

Destroy! Destroy!

Now extended drum solo Hey!

First, light our cigarettes. But you're already smoking cig-- You're really pushing it. Come on, Homer. You can't spell obsequious without I.O.U. I'll have to trust you on that. Well, Marge was always a good speller. Let's ask her.

Oh, this is horrible. My spit takes all have blood in 'em! Look, I'm really sorry. "Sorry" don't suture my colon! And you're off my show forever!

Homer? Herb? I let him design a car that would make or break my company. Presenting the Homer. I'm ruined!

the Itchy and Scratchy Show

Aw, nuts. Oh! Hey, Chief! He splashed me! Look, nobody likes a crybaby, okay? You just splash him back.

They say he's 500 pounds of bottom-dwelling fury, don't you know. No one knows how old he is, but if you ask me, and most people do, he's a hundred years if he's a day. And no one's ever caught him ? Well, one fella came close. Went by the name of Homer. Seven feet tall he was, with arms like tree trunks. And his eyes were like steel, cold and hard.

Well, that settles that. There is no silver tongue, is there, Bonesy? Oh, I wish, Chief. With that kind of dough, I could buy me some eyeballs. Well, that's the spirit, Bonesy. - Why don't you sing a song for the nice people? - All right.

Oh, the Simpsons. Well, they're not getting back in here.

They are all against you, Bart. You must kill them all. They all must die. - Are you my conscience ? - I-- Yes, I am.

It looks like the beginning of the end for the venerable Itchy and Scratchy program. For years, TV critics such as yours truly, Kent Brockman, have waited impatiently for cracks to appear in the show's hilarious facade.

Listen up. It's your basic Statue of Liberty play with one twist. You throw it to me. Knute Rockne called it "the forward pass." Now, the clock's still running, so it's important we start this play as quickly as possible. Oh-ho, boy! Don't dream about me no more, kid. Help! Lisa, help!

It's from my pen pal, Anya. Dear Lisa-- As I write this, I am very sad. Our president has been overthrown and-- Replaced by the benevolent General Krull. All hail Krull and his glorious new regime! Sincerely, Little Girl.

- You grabbed me in the car! - Oh, that. No, I was just grabbing a gummi Venus de Milo that got stuck to your pants. Yeah, right. That's the oldest excuse in the book. Come on. I'm a decent guy.

Sold! Howard, you've done it again. These happy days are yourS and mine these happy days are yours and mine happy days

Ice cream! Ice cream!

Hello, this is Tom Clancy. Would I say, "If you're hunting for a good read this October, "Marge Simpson's book is a clear "and present danger to your free time"? Hell, no, I wouldn't. What do you mean I just said it? It doesn't count! Hello? Hello?

Please. No. - Please. - No. Sir, we've never met before, but my name is Mr. Burns, and I want your daughter to help make me rich again.

Die, bad robots! Die! With a dry, cool wit like that, I could be an action-- Who would've thought our visit to Itchy and Scratchy Land... would turn out to be our best vacation ever? Yeah, best ever. Are you two bonkers? We almost got killed, not to mention all the embarrassment I suffered.

Lice? How on earth does a boy get head lice in this day and age? We bought a wicker basket from Trader Pete's, and he was passed out inside. Hey, how come I get lice and nothing happens to Milhouse? So cold.

I did it. Second in line. And all I had to do was miss eight days of work.

One more jostle, you wretched shirk-a-day.

- Angela, I'm afraid I-- - Thank you. Next. What were you thinking? Well, you said you wanted "gritty."

Is that Selma ? Ring-a-ding-ding.

Here's an interesting clue. Homer's assailant left a black smudge on the spa invitation.

Twice you were sleeping and once you were kicking that ball of electrical tape around. Well, I won't sleep in the same bed with a woman who thinks I'm lazy. I'm gonna go right downstairs, unfold the couch, unroll the sleeping ba-- Eh, good night.

Hmm. Sounds like she's hitting a baby with a cat. You have to listen to the notes she's not playing. I can do that at home. Son, I represent a group of oil tycoons who make foolish purchases.

Tell a lie. Tell a lie. Because I have a small role in a Broadway musical. It's not much, but it's a start. Bravo. Are you hiding something from me? Like what? judging from your song, you're infatuated... with a woman named Mindy or a man named Andy.

No! It's stuck on my hand! This shouldn't be too hard to fix-- with the right tools.

Thanks, Bret. My new show's called Handle With Care. I play jack Handle, a retired cop who shares an apartment with a retired criminal. The original odd couple. I fell in love with the script, Bret and my recent trouble with the IRS sealed the deal. That's great, Troy.

Excellent choice. And for the gentleman? All you can eat! All you can eat! All right. When you're ready, take this plate over-- Please, don't take the steam tray! Sir! Come on, Bart. If I can teach Maggie to waltz, I can teach you.

If you kids can't keep your hands to yourself, I'm gonna turn this car around, and there'll be no Cape Canaveral for anybody! That's it! Back to Winnipeg!

The script originally called for me to jump the gorge. But I'd been up all night paying people to kiss, so Dad volunteered to do the stunt. Everything was going great at first. I felt like I was king of the world. I'm king of the world! Whoo-hoo! Whoo-hoo! Right about here I realize something's wrong. Yep. There I go.

Mmm! I can feel three kinds of softness. Dad, what are you doing down there? Washin' my "fat guy" hat, honey.

Hey, this thing's cuttin' off my air! Oh! What are you doing to me? I said start it at 60 r.p.m., then move it up to 100 on the skirt blow! - Sorry, Krusty, I choked. - You choked? You choked?

Oh, man, There goes Peter Frampton's big finale. He's gonna be pissed off. You're damn right I'm gonna be pissed off! I bought that pig at Pink Floyd's yard sale! - Dad, are you okay? - I'm fine.

Ow! Ow! Ow! What the hell is wrong with you?

No! So, what songs did I miss? Dad, L.T.'s gone crazy!

Oh, won't ya come with me and tAke My hand Wait a minute. This sounds like rock and/or roll. And walk this land

We're the Moe Szyslak Experience, featuring Homer. I like the sound of that. Friends forever? Friends forever. - Ow! - Ow, that hurts! Man, we're stupid. Hate you guys.

My sash says "Ultraman." I think weve seen enough. You should realize that our school is not all nitwits and Nelsons. Why dont I open a door at random? w'w' f Background: Classical] Why, look! ts typical student Lisa Simpson.

She's the witch!

Next week on Behind the Laughter: Huckleberry Hound. I was so gay. But I couldn't tell anyone.

Children's letters to God. Check. Three, two, one. Make rocket go now. Go, Dad, go!

A snake bit me.

It's called "responsibility." Come on in, Bart.

That's why I love elementary school, Edna. The children believe anything you tell them. Whoo! Oh, Seymour!

Sir, I've arranged for the people of Australia... to join hands tonight and spell out your name with candles. There's a satellite hookup on that monitor. If you'll just turn your head slightly-- Bah! No time. Next!

I'm happy to report that the flow of illegal liquor seems to have dried up, public drunkenness has ceased, and those mysterious liquor clouds... over Evergreen Terrace are gone. People, Rex Banner has won your war against alcohol! What about the Beer Baron? I suspect he was just an invention of the media.

Now can we do something japanese? Oh, I'm sick of doing japanese stuff. In jail we had to be in this dumb Kabuki play about the 47 Ronin, and I wanted to be Yoshi, but they made me Ori. Then we had to do two hours of origami,

We better find a motel and stop for the night. We don't need to do that, Marge. I'm not tired. I'm not tired at all. Whew. I'm glad that wasn't us.

Next item up for bids. Oh, no! Oh, hey, look, they're sellin' your car, man. Boy, it's nice. Oh, I will totally kill whoever buys L'il Bandit. Sold! Whoo-hoo!

Uh, yes, my name is Homer Simpson. and I'd like to order an Itchy & Scratchy cel. My credit card? Uh, do you accept the "Federal Breast Inspector's" card? "License to Ogle"? "Vyza"? Oh, yes, of course. That's what I meant, "Visa." It's these new dentures.

And this racing stripe here, I feel is pretty sharp. Agreed. First prize. What? Way to go, Homer. You're number one, Homer. But this was a contest for children! Yeah-- And Homer beat their brains out.

That's weird. The key doesn't fit. Hey, someone's boarded up our windows. Check this out!

They're nothing but hideous space reptiles.

Hello! Mrs. Pommelhorst! I'd like to get down now.

Boy, I sure could go for 100 tacos right about now.

they'll be blowing their nose with a pancake. They call her the "Cat Lady." People say she's crazy just because she has a few dozen cats. But can anyone who loves animals that much really be crazy?

Something was said. Not good. What was it? "Don't yell at Homer"! No, that's okay. What was it? "Slow." They called you "slow"! How dare you call me that? I-- Huh? Hey, Homer, you still here? Boy, you are slow. Something said. Not good.

Well, Dad, here's my report card. I think you'll be pleasantly surprised.

Here I am. Yah! No! Stop! I left my gun on the seat! Hey! Wait here, please. Aw, geez!

Boo? Hey, look out! He's nuts! Look out! Out of the way, Baryshnikov! He hit the star player. Oh. Dad has the worst luck when he's drinking.

We both agree that getting our own pool is the only way to go. Now, before you respond, you must understand that your refusal... would result in months and months of-- Can we have a pool, Dad? Can we have a pool, Dad? Can we have a pool, Dad? Can we have a pool, Dad? Can we have a pool, Dad? Can we-- I understand.

Shh! Homer, we're out of vodka.

You know, boy, I don't think I've ever felt as close to you...

Uh, I need another extension on my mortgage payments. I understand that, Mr. Simpson, but according to our computer, your credit history is not good. It says here that you've been pre-declined for every major credit card. It also says you once grabbed a dog by the hind legs... and pushed him around like a vacuum cleaner. That was in the third grade.

Hello. Is this A. Aronson? It might interest you to know that Marge Simpson is pregnant again. just thought you'd like to know, Mr. Zowkowski. There. Aronson and Zowkowski are the two biggest gossips in town.

I was just thinking that. I can't take it anymore! Folks, don't miss this Friday's show. It'll be my last. Quitting show biz.

And I gave that man directions even though I didn't know the way, 'cause that's the kind of guy I am this week.

the circle of life is complete. - Fat Tony, do you have any comment? - I don't get it. Everyone loves rats, but they don't wanna drink the rats' milk? Hmm. Any words for the mayor? Hello, Mayor Quimby. I would like to remind you that accidents will happen...

You heard him, girls. Hey, T-shirt, T-shirt, T-shirt. Fire! Ooh, a bobby pin! Maude?

There's only one way out. We've gotta give this greedy town its money back. But we don't have $15,000. Unless--

And I love our screen saver.

Where'd you get that anyway? Sent away. The Itchy and Scratchy Show Mmm.

...And scratchy show!

And where were you?

Hi, I'm Troy McClure. You might remember me from such telethons as... "Out with Gout '88" and "Let's Save Tony Orlando's House." Folks, do you realize without your support, public television can't afford to bring you such award-winning shows as... Edward the Penitent? I'm really, really, really sorry. I'm afraid sorry doesn't cut it with this pope.

Aw, nuts. There you are! Falcon to Eagle. Have located bag of crap. If you get me out of this, there's a hall monitor position coming open in the spring. I spit on your monitors! I know. That's why the position's available.

it won't be long till happiness steps up to greet me

I can't see, you idiot! Take your hands off my eyes! Whoa! Whoa! Ooh! Ahh!

Hey, Homer, I told you not to come round here no more... till you paid your tab or at least cleaned up that mess you made in the bathroom... that you-- Mayor Quimby? Homer, why didn't you say you was with the mayor? Shove off, pukeholes! Get out of here. These stools are reserved for the mayor and his cronies. Ha. Here's a couple of "Duffenbraus," on the house of course.

Super freak Super freak I'm super freakin' Yow Aw, man. What'd I do now? Wonderful. Now, that song is dedicated... to all you supergeeks who rocked around the clock to exterminate America's Y2K bugs. Slammin'!

Knock that off, you two! It's time for church! We're not going to church today. What? You give me one good reason! It's Saturday! Okilly-dokilly-do!

Dr. Nick Riviera, remember me? Well if it isn't my old friend Mr. McGreg, with a leg for an arm and an arm for a leg.

I don't hear an alarm. Let's take stuff. Whoa! Isn't that stealing? No, it's just looting. Sweet. Let's go nuts. Hot town Summer in the city Back of my neck gettin' dirty and gritty Mannequins! You can't buy these! Oh, look at all these tube socks!

May I suggest a putter? Three-wood. Now, enter the force of your swing. I suggest "feather touch." You have entered "power drive." Now, push 7-8-7 to swing.

I'm just passionate, like all us Greeks.

you'll see Rainier Wolfcastle filming his latest movie, Saving irene Ryan. You put me down, you big lummox! jed! Shut up, old lady. And stop kicking me there!

I wish God were alive to see this.

Come on, come on! Get that corpse off the road! The streets are for the living! Whoa! Slow down, you maniac! Show some respect for this coffin full of bricks... representing a young man lost at sea.

Oh, fine. Mmm. Another broccoli-related death. But I thought broccoli was-- Oh, yes. One of the deadliest plants on earth.

His brain isn't large enough to juggle two contrasting personae!

I saw weird stuff in that place last night. Weird, strange, sick, twisted, eerie, godless, evil stuff.

That's why you young athletes are so promising. Now, who'd like to buy a trophy? Finally, some recognition.

You call this writing? If I puked in a fountain pen and mailed it to the monkey house, I'd get better scripts. But, sir, at Harvard-- Oh, at Harvard they taught you? Hit the streets, egghead! You should've majored in not getting fired. Sir, a Lisa and Bart Simpson sent you a script. Yeah, yeah, yeah. "Dear Mr. Meyers, my brother and I watch your show.

Oh! Could I have shot Mr. Burns in a drunken rage? No, no, not me. I know in my heart I-- A gun. And it's been recently fired. Wait. I remember leaving the town meeting.

Oh, dear. Now you've done it.

his heavy metal or you.

A note from Marge Simpson? Well, isn't that a coincidence? I was just thinking about her... for the last 20 years.

Really. Well, I'm from Utica, and I've never heard anyone use the phrase "steamed hams." Oh, not in Utica. No. It's an Albany expression. I see.

Do you think you can get the dental plan back? Well, that depends on who's a better negotiator-- Mr. Burns or me. Dad, I'll trade you this delicious doorstop for your crummy old Danish. Done and done! D'oh!

- Ann Landers is a boring old biddy. - Ned! I was more animal than man!

Hey, Homer, looks like our next stop is your hometown, Springfield. Is it true that we have to bring our own water? We got a little rule back home-- If it's brown, drink it down. If it's black, send it back. The hometown show's the big one, Homer. People who called you a weirdo in high school get to see what a successful freak you've become. Hey, I wasn't a weirdo.

He's really sophisticated for a 13-year-old. Thir-what-year-old? Lisa, you're only eight. But when he's 23, I'll be 18. Lisa, you don't know what you'll want in the future. I didn't marry the first boy I-- Well, I did, but you shouldn't.

I know who'll save him.

Ahh-- Mmm. Ants!

That's it. Everyone out, except you. One step to the left. Ow! Excellent.

With the family in disarray, episodes increasingly resorted... to gimmicky premises and nonsensical plots. I'm... an impostor. That man is the real Seymour Skinner.

Well, Seymour, I made it-- despite your directions. Ah. Superintendent Chalmers. Welcome. I hope you're prepared for an unforgettable luncheon. Yeah.

Abracadabra. - The crystal says your baby shall be a girl! - Shut up!

J Little ditty about Homer and Marge;

Oh, just lovely, Marge. The whole town will hear what a perfect evening this was-- how nothing at all went wrong. Simpson, this evening has gone so flawlessly, I'm gonna forget that you were mistakenly let out of the army a month early. And I am so impressed by this problem-free evening that there is no need for that audit.

A bloody end for Homer Simpson... is just one of several possible outcomes, according to our computer simulation. Now, here's how it would look if the police killed him with a barrage of baseballs.

Without a Mayor Quimby our town would really stink We wouldn't have a tire yard or a midsized roller rink We wouldn't have our gallows or our shiny Bigfoot trap It's not the mayor's fault that the stadium collapsed Quimby. If you were running for mayor, he'd vote for you.

Mr Simpson? Dr. Foster. Please come with me. You folks are free to roam the grounds. just remember, one of our patients is a cannibal. Try to guess which one. I think you'll be pleasantly surprised. Everyone outside of this room is against me!

It's bad enough they're all eating meat. They don't have to rub it in my face.

with lots of well thought-out practical ideas. He is ensuring the financial security of this company for years to come-- Oh, yes. And his personal hygiene is above reproach. Whoa ! Our dad's the greatest ! All right, Homer. - I'm impressed ! - Way to go, Dad ! - Pretty good, huh ?

Hey-hey! Hey-hey! Hey-hey! AUTOMATED VOICE: Intruder detected. Calling local police. (DIALING) Line busy, shutting down. Mr. Burns, the Department of Nuclear Security is very impressed with your plant.

We could cut down on beer. We're not going to do that. Then there's no choice but to give up the pony. First you didn't want the pony. Now you want me to take it back. Make up your mind. Homer! Lisa loves me. The pony stays.

It's just a little airborne. It's still good. It's still good. - It's gone. - I know. You know, Smithers, I think I'll donate a million dollars to the local orphanage... when pigs fly. That's a good one. Hey-- Hey-- Wh-wha--

Alison, is this supposed to be some kind of joke? I didn't do that. I made a different one. Oh, is that so, young lady? Well, where is this phantom diorama? I don't know.

Oh, man. I only got one minute till they stop serving those breakfast balls! D'oh! Ah, let's see now. What do you folks have here, huh? Hmm. A Krusty Burger. That doesn't sound too appetizing. What kind of stew do you have today? Uh, we don't have stew.

(SCREAMS) You gave me quite a fright, you did. Say, you don't need no fancy knife to get me attention, not with those handsome mutton chops. Come on, give us a snog. (GROANS) That's not a snog!

Allowance day. Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. You don't deserve an allowance. Sure we do. Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. Ice-cream man! Ice-cream man!

Oh, I'm sorry. Did I wake you? I wanted to return your hair dryer.

Ah, the old number 22. Clean, reliable public transportation. The chariot of the people. The ride of choice for the poor and very poor alike. Sure, some folks prefer-- Are you gettin' on this next bus, kid? Yes. Taxi! - V.D. clinic. - Look!

Be careful! There's hydroelectricity in there!

Bart! Cecil. And now to kill you.

Stand still! There's a spark in your hair! Get it! Get it! Get it! Hot stuff comin' through. Dad, why did you bring me to a gay steel mill? I don't know! This is a nightmare! You're all sick! Oh, be nice!

Huh? Sorry. Marge, why don't you let me handle this? Hello. Church basement. Yeah. It's Ned Flanders. The teens have been chasing me all night. They-They finally stopped to gas up their scooters.

Crush! Kill! Destroy!

and I think a celibate Italian weirdo knows a lot more about marriage than you. Mmm, I understand. And because you stuck to your principles, I'm going to canonize you. I can see my house! Sweetie, sometimes a daddy and a mommy decide to live apart.

The last bar in Springfield. If they don't let me in here, I'm gonna have to quit drinking. Yea! Shut up, liver! Ow! My liver hurts. I'd like a beer, please. Uh, sorry. You gotta be a pilot to drink in here.

Beer, yes! How did you know? Hmm? Ahh. And for the lady, a Long Island Iced Tea.

"It was the best of times, it was the 'blurst' of times"? You stupid monkey!

Bada-bing, bada-boom. I'm done. Learn from a professional, kid. Okay, Krusty. We are ready to roll any-- What the-- Trust in yourself and you can achieve anything.

Lost your dad? Uh-huh. He's not coming back, is he? He might. No, he's not. But at Bigger Brothers, we can help.

Oh, Lord, please strike these mountain folk dead. Bart! Listen, we're really sorry. We got lost on a field trip from Springfield Elementary. Lost on a field trip? Heck, why didnt you say so? That's how Grandpappy wound up in these parts. They was taking us to Capital City to see The Nutcracker.

Carpal tunnel syndrome? No. Lumber lung? No. Juggler's despair? No. Achy-breaky pelvis? No. Oh! I'm never gonna be disabled. I'm sick of being so healthy. Hey, wait. "Hyperobesity. "If you weigh more than 300 pounds,

(HEART BEATING)

What did I do to deserve this? Oh, right. Mmm. Fifty-dollar pretzels. Hey, what's Baby Huey doin'? Says here they throw salt before they wrestle to purify the ring.

Shh. Why, you ill-mannered sack of crap!

Who's gonna have a big enough heart to take care of 25 puppies? And I know the little fellas would love romping around my many acres, chasing my many cars, drinking from my many toilets. Who wouldn't? Mom, don't give the puppies to him.

Fasten your seat belts, kids. We're on our way to Itchy and Scratchy Land. D'oh! Don't worry. I've got an ace up my sleeve.

Well, Seymour, I made it-- despite your directions. Ah. Superintendent Chalmers. Welcome. I hope you're prepared for an unforgettable luncheon. Yeah.

Ow! Ow! Ow! Aah! Ow! Oh! Oh! And by the sacred parchment, I swear that if I reveal the secrets of the Stonecutters, may my stomach become bloated, and my head be plucked of all but three hairs. I think he should have to take a different oath. Everyone takes the same oath.

Lisa. You have a guest. So, uh, how's life in the gutter? You again? I've realized the error of my ways, Lisa. I need someone with your integrity to help me. Please don't refuse this poor old man.

(SPITS) When we published the story, we received the school's highest award. Ladies, it is my great pleasure to award you these certificates of merit. In this box marked "honoree," fill in your names. And over here, write in what you did. I'll be back. You ain't tasted the last of my spit.

No. I refuse to share a bed with someone who thinks I'm crazy. Unless you're feeling amorous. No, I'm not. Well, then, good night. Hey, Dad. What's the word from planet Crackpot? Oh, I suppose you're going to mock me too. Well, actually, Dad, I believe you. You do?

Listen, if it'll make you feel any better, I'll put the safety on. Whoops! Guess it was already on. Uh, I'd better just put it down.

I'm not gonna stand for this. I'm gonna call the newspapers, the TV stations, the gas stations, everybody!

I got this in the Second World War II.

Ah, you're right. I just gotta work through the grief. There's not gonna be an easy answer. Easy answer, eh? Oh, yeah. That's it, baby. That's the money shot. Yeah, the camera loVes you. Oh, you tease, you.

in the lusts of our flesh-- I'm a troll man Do do do do do do do I'm a troll man I don't want you playing with something that has such bizarre hair. Awful, awful hair.

Higher. Bye-bye, "fishies." Higher. Higher! I'm soaring-- Soaring majestically, like a candy wrapper caught in an updraft. Higher, Marge. Higher! It won't go any.

You didn't say which bed! Go to your bed! Make me! I'll make you! If you want me, you gotta catch me! Almost. Oh, so close. Bart!

There's my name, right there-- Bart Simpson. Looks more like "Brad Storch." No, it says, "Betty." "Betty Symington." - That's for taking credit for other people's work. - Oh!

Stand back! I have powers! Uh, political powers! It's showtime!

Hey, Homer, way to get Marge pregnant. This is getting very abstract but-- thank you. I do enjoy working at the bowling alley.

Heads up, Dad. Here comes the scum. Tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk. Why cant they just be happy for my success? Hot fudge! Arr! lt burns! Oh, great. And I just got all that gum out of my armpits.

Ohh, one thing I'm good at, and I can't do it anymore. Homie, you're good at lots of things. Like what? Like snuggling. Yeah, but none of my friends can watch me. And I say England's greatest prime minister was Lord Palmerston!

What with all the silicon chips and such.

That's the last time you'll slap your Willie around. I quit!

Wow, that's Moe. The guy from the ad! Right this way, Homer. And he knows my name! Street signs indoors? Whatever! Now, Rod, you order anything you want for your big 10-0.

Don't get me started about the government. What's the problem? Well, my family wants to move back to Springfield. Let 'em go. You'll stay here with me. We'll go bowling. What's bothering 'em? Nothing big. It's just a lot of little things. Well, you can't argue with the little things. It's the little things that make up life.

Hiya, Homer. Say hello to the Plow King. Barney, you stole my idea. Don't worry, Homer. There's nothing wrong with a little healthy competition.

Doh ! Stupid joystick ! Three seconds, folks. A new record. Hey, no. I'm not down. I'm-- Get up, you ! Get off the mat. Okay. Here we go. Yo, chump, you back again ? Get outta the way ! How come he's not ducking ? Wait a minute. I can't get my-- Get out of the way, stupid !

Because I like you, I'll even do it pro boner. It's "pro bono." I know what I said.

You stupid kid! You know that drives away all my business. See you tomorrow, loser.

These things happen. Eight dollars. Only three cavities, Bart. Your best checkup ever. I'm going to make you my specialty-- butterscotch chicken.

I made it the whole day without seeing her again. I mean, hello. I guess we'll be going down together. I mean, getting off together. I mean-- That's okay. I'll just push the button for the stimulator. I mean, elevator.

I can cut a trail through the snow. I'm part Eskimo. I don't care if you're Kristi Yamaguchi. No one leaves the building. This stinks. We'll miss the Itchy and Scratchy where they finally kiss. I don't care if they're kissing Kristi Yamaguchi. You're not going home! That's so unfair! This blows. Skinner's the real Grinch!

I withdraw my question.

Hey, girls. Check out this president. I am not a butt! Bart, do you wanna play john Wilkes Booth or do you wanna act like a maniac? I'll be good.

Get out of the corner ! They sent a note from school. What did you do this time, you little hoodlum ? Oops, get outta the way ! I didn't do it. Nobody saw me do it. There's no way they can prove anything. No, Bart. This note isn't about you. It isn't ? There must be some mistake. Hey, you're right. This note's about Lisa. Lisa ?

Ooh, and here, out of the mists of history, the legendary esquilax, a horse with the head of a rabbit... and the body of a rabbit. Oh, it's galloping away! Here, bunny bunny! Here, bunny! "Here, esquilax."

Are you ready for some Duff love? All right! Today, we're gonna find out which of these bartenders... has the right stuff to dispense Duff? From the Green Potato Pub at O'Hare International Airport, Michael Finn.

Yeah, I used to be rich. I owned Mickey Mouse massage parlors. Then those Disney sleazeballs shut me down. I said, "I'll change the logo-- put Mickey's pants on." Some guys you just can't reason with. I used to own a successful car company. My strategy was giving them Japanese names.

Marge, I would appreciate it if you didn't tell anybody... about my busy hands, not so much for myself, but I am so respected, it would damage the town to hear it.

But you know what I hate? Drinking beer and watching TV. Not me. That's my idea of heaven. D'oh! Me too! Really? I can see I'm gonna love working with you. Well, gotta go. I wanna sneak in a quick nap before lunch. Foul temptress.

It's him! I bring you peace. As a representative of planet Earth, let me be the first to say--

Why is the guy from Laverne s Shirley living in our house? Cause nobody's watching you clowns. If you was to ask me, you’re all too calm and happy. The essence of drama is conflict. That's why they gave me this Taser.

I think we all had that idea. I didn't. What is it? Lunch? Thank you, thank you. And welcome to our contestants from America, the Simpson family.

Hope that wasn't an avalanche. Be a chum and take a look-see. You got it, buddy. Oh.

Come on in. Dignity's on me, friends.

I been drivin' all night and it's wet on the wheel There's a voice in my head that drives my heel It's my baby callin' on the telephone I got some pizza and I'm bringin' it home

but as a veteran of America's only losing war. To date! I swear, Bart didn't know what he was doing. He was deaf. Oh, sure, Marge. Just like Blind Bart, Wheelchair Bart, Pregnant Bart, and my personal favorite, Railroad Spike-Through-Head Bart. (LAUGHING) Kids love trains.

Behind these doors, a federal judge will ladle out steaming bowls... of rich, creamy justice in a case the media have dubbed... "Beat-up Waiter." This reporter suggested "Waitergate," but was shouted down at the press club.

I practically insist. Shall we say 5:00? The snacking hour?

Stay here. I'll be right back.

Don't listen to 'em, D. just remember: You've got a new persona. A new persona.

I'm so drunk I can barely see But it helps me get through another day My stomach is filled with haggis and hurt I've got to go puke in some hay

It's like you hate me. Your own husband. That's ridiculous. I don't like you-- I mean hate you. Hate you. Hate you. I hate you! I've heard that from coworkers, strangers on the street, even my own children, but I never thought I'd hear it from you.

That's it. I cannot work under these conditions. If anybody wants me, I'll be downstairs at McDougal's. Call the weekend guy. I don't care.

Say your prayers, you heathen baboons!

All right, young lady.

Huh? Donuts. Is there anything they can't do? - Dad, you're a hero. - Yes, son.

And, Doctor, we know that you and the bootblack... have been rogering the fishwife in the crumpet shop. Lies!

It's always about the Indians, isn't it, Lise? Dear Santa, if you bring me lots of good stuff, I promise not to do anything bad... between now and when I wake up, amen. Ow! I'll kill you.

Marge, are we jewish? No, Homer. Whoo-hoo! Mmm! But, first, we all stink. We all-- Hey! That's according to a national survey ranking Springfield... as the least popular city in America. In science-- dead last.

Why, you little..!

Well, that was disgusting. Worst ending ever. I think I'm gonna be sick. I'm jimmy Stewart's granddaughter, and you'll be hearing from my attorney. - Ooh! - Ow! Oh, we should have put in the dog with the shifty eyes.

You are one fine lookin' woman, lady. If I wasn't married, I'd go out with you like that! I am so sorry. Whatever you do, don't tell Marge. God, I love her! Hey, a penny!

Later that day, we set sail for America. There it is. Our new home. Whee! I love America! Abe, supper's on! We had to move out once we'd filled the hat with garbage. The end.

You know, I went to the McDonald's in, uh, Shelbyville on Friday night. The Mc-what? Uh, McDonald's restaurant. I-- I never heard of it either, but, uh, they have over 2,000 locations in this state alone. Must have sprung up overnight.

- less Santa training... - Santa training ? less costume purchase, less beard rental, less Christmas club. But-- But-- See ya next year. Ohh ! Come on, Dad. Let's go home. Thirteen bucks ? You can't get anything for 13 bucks. All right ! Thirteen big ones ! Springfield Downs, here I come ! What ?

You know, installing your own barbecue pit... is no harder than adding an aviary or Olympic-size swimming pool. In fact, it's a snap. Or if you're not into chicken-- No, no! I'm into chicken! How about wild boar? Or Swordfish? Or hippo?

This rÉsume is very impressive. Let me be the first to say-- What? Welcome aboard. I guess my Swahili's not as good as yours. Oh, yeah. Hmm. Sorry, the position has been filled. Oh, dear.

You're gonna like me you're gonna love me 'cause I can do most anything I can do the "hully gully" I can imitate vin scully Let's take time out from this triple play... to talk about Farmer Dan's pure pork sausage. Mm-mmm!

Last week's capture of Bigfoot turned into the scientific poser of the century.

See y'all! Man, that's gonna be some show. Who's ready for some football? Football!

HOMER: Marge, you just agreed to raise the kids Klingon! MARGE: D'oh!

Ay, ay, es Homer Simpson. Me ha molestado. ¡Oh!

Get out. Get out! Yea!

Give me a "B"? I won't give you a "B," but I'll tear you a new "A."

By gum, it worked. I've awakened in the future. "Moon Pie." What a time to be alive.

Remember, I want to see lots of pictures when you get back.

Homer, if you're going to do this to every applicant, we're never going to find one. Sorry. Hello. I'm Mrs. Periwinkle. I'm here about the nanny job. I'll keep a watchful eye on your kids, and if they get out of line-- Pow! I like him. Thanks. Hey, where do you keep the liquor? I hide a bottle of schnapps in the baby's crib.

Dear Artie. Dear Hottie. Congratulations on your recent TV appearance. I wanna sex you up. Your love slave, Marge. You can't use the word "sex" on the Internet. Watch me.

Bart Simpson, I know you cut school yesterday. And as soon as I can prove it, I'm shipping you off... to the Christian Military Reform School. What he said.

If you ever get into trouble, all you need to do is-- Feels like I'm wearing nothin' at all. Nothin' at all. Nothin' at all. Stupid sexy Flanders! Ow! My leg! This is the worst pain ever!

Yellow matter custard... dripping from a dead dog's eye. I don't feel so fab.

to Krusty the Clown. Hey, hey! Krusty, why won't you answer my calls? You've never even seen our son! Here's one of those loveable high-schoolers... from TV's Springfield Heights, 90210. He's cool, he's sexy, he's 34 years old.

There's no excuse for our horrible behavior tonight, Homer. We acted like a bunch of angry young men. Yeah. Rock and roll is supposed to be about peace and love. I hope you wont judge the entire Brian Setzer Orchestra by my actions. What we're trying to say, Homer, is we're sorry.

Saints be praised! I'm from Scotland. Where do you hail from?

Swish! (CROWD LAUGHING) Welcome, everyone, to the Annual Donkey Basketball Classic. I'm sure that "mule" enjoy it. Hmm. Tough crowd.

Killer dolphins?

Can't you stop it, Dad? I'm trying my best. The lever you have pulled-- brakes-- is not in service. Please make a note of it. How fast are they going? Yikes! Well, judging by your husband's cowardly scream, 180 miles an hour. Yikes!

Now, Bart, I found the culprit-- a jagged, metal cereal "0."

Homer and Ned, you may now kiss your brides. Give it to me, baby.

Stupid switch! I wish I had my reaching broom. One, ha-ya-yah. Wait a minute. There's probably a--

Thank the knife. Oh. Seems like everywhere I look, people are enjoying knives. "Don't do what Donny Don't does." They could've made this clearer.

Stop laughing, you imbecile. Don't you realize how close you just came to killing yourself?

(LAUGHING) (AUDIENCE LAUGHING ON TV) (GROANS) I talked to Dr. Hibbert today.

Time to check in on our little sweetie pie. Aw, she's takin' a nap. Yeah, probably dreaming about the time she shot Mr. Burns. She's just like Clark Kent.

Hi! I'm actor Troy McClure. You might remember me from such driver's ed films... as Alice's Adventures Through the Windshield Glass... and The Decapitation of Larry leadfoot.

Repetitiveness is my job. I am gonna go out there tonight and give the best performance of my life. The best performance of your life? The best performance of my life. Where is that lousy little pisher? Bart! And now, boys and girls,

Boring! Come on, you schnorrers! Do something! Halfback passes to the center. Back to the wing. Back to the center. Center holds it. Holds it. Holds it.

Oh, honey, that is egg-ceptional. Okay, now we just have to stick the feet on. Right. Hmm. Lisa, I don't want to alarm you, but I'm not finding any. But it clearly says "feet included." They have to be here.

Oh, boy! Free trading cards! Wow! joseph of Aramathea! Twenty-six conversions in A.D. 46! Whoa! A Methuselah rookie card! Who'd have thought learning about religion could be fun? Religion?

Whoa, here we go. The Inferno Buster 3000! Oh, I knew Santa wouldn't have time to check that list twice.

Try to guess which one. I think you'll be pleasantly surprised.

(CLANKING) No Frank Gehry designed prison can hold me! Ha-ha! (GRUNTS) Oh, my God, that man might be hurt!

Fantasize, Marge. Fantasize about Burly. Hey, you're lookin' at that spokesjack! Well, I can fantasize too! Hmm. Woo! Mama Celeste.

Don't forget to look in his shoes. When I lose something, sometimes it turns up in my shoes.

Am I the only one here who's in horrible pain? You're the only one who won't shut up about it!

Hey! Where in God's name did you learn that kind of... dancing? Whoa. Ooh. Oh, yeah.

Did you or did you not use a senior citizen discount card at said car wash? Well, I did, but-- Now, I'm not a fancy, big-city lawyer-- But it seems to me that a senior citizen... has to be over 55. Isn't that so? Well, yes. And you are how old?

Listen. Hey. Hey. Professor Frink Professor Frink He'll make you laugh He'll make you think He likes to run and then the thing with the Person Oh, boy. That monkey is going to pay.

Hello. I'm retired heavyweight boxer Gerry Cooney. Welcome to Mr. Burns's Casino. If there's anything I can do to make your visit more enjoyable, please let me know. Yeah, great. See ya! Uh, don't forget to apply for... our V.I.P. Platinum Club for special discounts on-- Hey! I said bug off!

Mom, make him stop. Oh, no. Krusty! My pacemaker. It's stuck on "hummingbird." Nectar. Nectar. I need to drink my way to nectar. Krusty! Hey, a note.

Bart, you are the closest thing to a man my life and that's so depressing I think I'm to cry.

I feel like I'm wasting a fortune just standing here. Better make the most of it. Ow! Watch it, coney! Whoops.

Well, I'd rather reserve judgment until I-- Oh, my God! I'll mace you good! That is completely taken out of context! Why you little-- Our children aren't safe with that monster!

(WOLF WHISTLE) You handsome devil. Someday they'll let you and me get married. Can you imagine the children? (CHILDREN CHATTERING) (MOANING) I love you, Homer. I love you, too, Homer. (BOTH MOANING) Oh, Homer.

It's so cute what she does. Be the baby, kitty. Go on. Be the baby. Come on. Snowball! You don't understand. She loves to climb in here. I believe you! I don't care! Hey, Lise, Mom said you had the toenail clippers, and--

Two Krusty shakes, a doughnut burger with cheese... and a party-size bucket of flan. Yes, I will have fries with that.

Ew! Get outta my car. This isn't my house. Come to Duff Gardens... where roaming gangs aren't a big problem anymore. Now featuring the clean-shaven sounds... of Hooray For Everything.

from yesterday's school lunch.

Why must I fail in every attempt at masonry? How's your father's project coming along? I think he's almost done. Yeah, he's done. I'd like to return this barbecue kit.

I start with the best part-- the neck.

But I thought you-- Just keep driving, boyo. Could I turn on the radio?

Oh, it's all good. All right. Thanks anyway. Reverend, I hate to say this, but it sounded like that poor man was reaching out to you. I'm not sure your advice was all that helpful. Oh, Marge, I was once idealistic like you.

Let's get out of here.

Yes. That's a real pickle. Would you excuse me for a moment? All right. I have thought this through.

I don't see Prussia, Siam or autogiro.

Inside every man is a struggle between good and evil that cannot be resolved. I am evil Homer. I am evil Homer. I am evil Homer I am evil Homer.

with a number he calls "Kernel knowledge." I'm hot buttered check it and see I got A fever of 453 I'm hot so very hot Four?

Where's my elephant? I know that's what I've been asking.

Come on, Marge. Let the people see your pretty face. Come see "Bottomless Pete," nature's cruelest mistake. Come for the freak, stay for the food. Oh, he's hideous! I heard they shaved a gorilla.

Ri-- No, no, wrong. Listen. While I'm on the boat with the perfect alibi, you steal my car and park it on the railroad tracks. Then when the 10:15 train comes along-- Wham! Insurance company pays off 5,000 clams. I keep showing Renee the sweet life.

No, I'm sorry. This is an outrage dragging me into-- Oh, this makes me very angry. Now, we're going to run a few tests. This is a simple lie detector. I'll ask you a few yes or no questions... and you just answer truthfully. - Do you understand? - Yes.

I just got my party invitations back from the printers. "Come to Homer's BBBQ. The extra 'B' is for BYOBB." What's that extra "B" for? That's a typo. Dad, can't you have some other kind of party? One where you don't serve meat?

That's very disturbing. Hey, Bart. What? What's wrong?

Your indolence is inefficacious! Oh? That means you're terrible!

No, Homer, I won't make fun. But I will suggest that there may be better things in life... than seeing a man get hit in the groin with a football. Ha-ha! Well, Homer? Marge, I've got some serious thinking to do.

Welcome to Knockers, hon. Let me know if you see anything you like. Read the sign, prevert! HOMER: D'oh! Hmm.

And the winner, Moe Szyslak!

I'm a man of few words. Any questions? Uh, is the poop deck really what I think it is? I like the cut of your jib.

We've had a lot of great memories. That's right. I shot J.R. Except for huge gaps in the western states Hands Across America was a complete success. Hands across America...

Excuse me, my good man. I have $500 to blow. What have you got? Behold! The ultimate Pog! I'll take it!

Hello, Mother dear.

"The following is a list of words... "I never want to hear on television again. "Number one: bra. "Number two: horny. Number three: family jewels." - Hi, Grandpa ! - Bart, what brings you here ?

A masked avenger has been giving Springfield's scoundrels their just desserts! This is for your show's slight decline in quality over the years! KENT: In an attempt to curb copycat pie-ings, the police have organized a pie-for-guns exchange. The pies were immediately detonated by the bomb squad. (EXPLODING) Aw! Those poor innocent pies.

the baby who found my precious teddy bear, Bobo. Oh, and that Simpson mutt, my former guard dog. Oh, and, uh, that's Bart Simpson. He was my heir for a brief period, you know? Yes, sir, I remember. - Mmm. - Mmm.

Hey, he stole my bit! - Now we shall probe you to see if you are worthy. - Yeah, word for word! Okay, let's see what we've got. It has to be on channel 3. Yes, yes.

Chase, it's only been three hours.

Ahhh! (READING TITLES) Oh, Goldilocks. And the three bears!

Wait, Homer. If that bar holds, we just might make it back to Earth. Hmm. And I'll bash you good!

Well, I finished my community service. Oh. Right. But I could swing by after school. I'll bring the limbo stick. Hot diggety! La, la, la la, la, la Hey. Stop shakin' the harness.

Verily I declare that the Earth revolves around the sun... and not t'other way around. Stop looking down my blouse, Copernicus. Forsooth. Mine eyes doth rove of their own accord.

I've been playing jazz for 30 years, and I just can't make a go of it. I want you to have my saxophone. This isn't a saxophone. It's an umbrella! So I've been playing an umbrella for 30 years? Why didn't anybody tell me? We all thought it was funny. That's not funny.

That's okay. Your tears say more than real evidence ever could. Today on Ben, mothers and runaway daughters...

What advantages does this motorcar have... over, say, a train? Which I could also afford.

B-6. You sunk my Scrabbleship. This game makes no sense. Tell that to the good men who just lost their lives. Semper fi. I want to drive again!

Kids can be so cruel.

Jeremy's... iron.

And each man shall receive... death. I'll eat the pie. Okay, next up-- "jesus Christ versus Checker Chariot."

Guys, guys! This is the wrong movie.

I'm sure you did. But still, don't you ever wonder what might've happened if things had gone differently? Well... This is Marge Simpson reporting from Lake Placid where the Miracle on Ice never happened.

Homer, watch your mouth! I gotta go. My damn wiener kids are listening. We are not wieners. Then what are you dressed like that for? They made us. Oh. "They made us." That's loser talk. You gotta start acting more like me and my team, the future league champions of the world. Nothing's gonna stop us now.

I'm coming, sweetheart! I'll save you, Lisa! (RUMBLING) Oh, my God! Oh! Ooh. Be careful, Mom!

I'll be back in a minute. I'm... going outside... to... stalk... Lenny and Carl. D'oh!

Homer Simpson! You stand accused... of eating half the population of the Planet of the Doughnuts.

What do we have here? The long flabby arm of the law? The last case you got to the bottom of was a case of Mallomars! Mallomars. Oh, that's going in the act. Oh, yeah, the clown. The only one of you buffoons who doesn't make me laugh. And as for you, I don't know you, but I'm sure you're a jerk!

Another burger, Dad? Here you go! It's bad enough they're all eating meat. They don't have to rub it in my face. Okay, everybody. It's the moment you've all been waiting for. The pig de rÉsistance.

Do these sound like the actions of a man...

Oh, closer. I've always dreamed of this moment.

There's gotta be a way to get those guys out of there. I say we set fire to the house. Kill 'em that way. We don't wanna kill them, Bart. We just want our home back. Well, if we did set fire to the house-- No fires! I've got it! No fires! Oh.

Uh-oh, it's the "fe-mailman."

(BARKING) (GRUNTS) (STRAINING) Oh! Why must I be so voluptuous? (WHIMPERS) Oh! Oh. Time to make you pretty! (BOTH GRUNT) (WHIMPERS) PATTY: Oh, yes. A little more color.

And we remind you there is a one-percent margin of error.

Now you can do whatever you want, but don't mess up the house. We won't.

Well, at least Ned is trying. What are you doing to help? Well, since you're all such a big bunch of big ration babies, I'll just be in charge of the rationing. Look here, boy. The secret is to take tiny bites, like so. Mmm! Mmm! Mmm! Stop it!

- Why don't you sing a song for the nice people? - All right. CamptowN ladies Sing this song doo-dah doo-dah camptown race is five Miles long

We're going to the old folks' talent show. Now get washed up. With pleasure.

How much do you want? A million dollars and three Hawaiian islands-- good ones, not the leper ones. Done! Now give me that bear! Whoo-hoo! I'm rich! Rich, I tells ya!

Well, here's ours. We're going to Disney World! Step away from the wall! Step away from the wall! Oh, it's so beautiful! One churro, please.

I've been waiting for you. Come in, my captivating one. May I have this dance ? Sure.

Ah. So, kids, caught anything ? Not yet, sir. Uh-huh. What are you using for bait ? My brother's using worms, but I, who feel that tranquility far outweighs the actual catching of fish, am using nothing. I see. And what's your name, son ? I'm Bart Simpson. Who the hell are you ?

Gray, bottlenosed, intelligent Italians. Intelligent Italians? Something's wrong. It's dolphins. We have to stop them. If we speak in low-frequency voices, I don't think they can-- Ow! Those dolphins seem bent on mayhem.

Open up! Open up! I got to go, and no fooling. Hey, Pop-N-Fresh! You're supposed to giggle. Gyyaaagh!! That guy has got to go.

We now return to our 48-hour Itchy & Scratchy diamond jubilee marathon-- celebrating 75 years of rib-tickling brutality... and hilarious atrocities. The Itchy & Scratchy Show

Look, Marge. They opened a new high-tech gadget store. - You love high-tech gadgets. - No, I don't. Like bull, you don't. Come on. - Homer, please. You're hurting my arm. - No, I'm not.

Oh, good morning, Maude. Morning, Marge. Um, did your husband come home last night? Of course he did. Really? Oh. Because the thing is, um, mine didn't. Oh, my God, Ned!

Hey, I thought I had more stuff than this.

Skinner! Superintendent Chalmers, you didn't have to come all the way down here. Everything's under control. Oh, I have had it! I have had it with this school, Skinner! The low test scores, class after class of ugly, ugly children! Oh, now I really think the children's appearance--

How many of you are in horrible pain?

- Hired goons. - Hired goons?

You'll never go broke appealing to the lowest common denominator.

- MARGE: Lisa! - (SCREAMS)

Fellas, where you going at this hour? Hey, don't scratch up them heads!

Look! The destroyer! He returns! Help! Bart! No!

Whoo ! Yeah, Mama ! Take it off ! I didn't think it would burn so fast. I guess it's the tissue paper inside. Miss Bouvier. I am surprised. You just bought yourself one day of detention. You know where and when.

Okay, okay, you're flat broke. You don't have Carl anymore. But you've got your hair. That's right, it's all about hair. Oh, that big speech.

I want to be in the bakeoff. There, there. I think your grilled crayon sandwich was delicious. You only had a pretend bite. No. I'm eating it, look. Mmm. Can you taste the thumbtacks? Aw, crap.

My baby! Your baby! No! Well, this is it. The last call for Moe. Ahh!

Okay. Listen up. My goal is to assassinate that watermelon. Your job is to take the bullet. Go! Go, go, go! - Pow! - No!

Paper bag or triple Mylar? Uh, no, thanks. I'll just eat it here. Oh! No! What are you doing?

Oh, look at that adorable spice rack. Eight spices. Oh, some must be doubles. "oregano"? What the hell? Marge, we're missing the chili!

Hero. Fearless. Alive! No thanks to the plane, many of us are still alive. We certainly are. Pass me another hunk of copilot. Dad, Mom's getting worse.

Hey, Homer, whets with the deranged look? Ow! My eye! I'm not supposed to get jigs in it.

Hey, that thing's going caca-cuckoo. Who cares? It's Homer's problem. Wait. I know. Vent gas. "Pressure too high"? Oh! "Tank must be shut down manually"? Aw! Stupid bird! I never should have put you in charge! Why, you--

You a winner! Ha-ha-ha! You a winner! Ha-ha-ha! You a winner! Ha-ha-ha! Halogen lamps, kilim rugs? You can't afford this. How can you afford this?

Here, Bart, you can hold my beer.

We're also absolved if Milhouse gets eaten by the school snake. Hey, cool! There's a rabbit in here!

Wow! That's it. I'm off the hooch. Hey, wine!

I just got my party invitations back from the printers. "Come to Homer's BBBQ. The extra 'B' is for BYOBB." What's that extra "B" for? That's a typo.

Yes, a little L.S.D. is all I need.

But you just read that card from the Gersh Agency.

When Bob broadcast that message, his voice was higher than normal. And what makes your voice high? - Tight, binding underwear? - Helium! Sideshow Bob is in the Duff blimp!

What's the matter ? I would think you'd be used to failing by now.

Hm. Hm. Hm. Mmm! Mmm! Forbidden doughnut.

You told a lie for me. I know. But the Lord will forgive me if it helps you get a second chance. Actually, Marge, it's the third if you count that farm couple. Farm couple? But I got a good feelin' about this one, Marge. I really do.

Hey! Mmm! That's the next best thing to eating Lenny.

just let your head flop back and forth. Your neck is a well-cooked piece of asparagus. We interrupt Sadrudin Mabaradad's Yoga Party for this special bulletin-- "Krisis at Kamp Krusty."

Let's go over the ground rules. You can't leave first until you chug a beer. Any man scoring has to chug a beer. Chug a beer at the top of all odd-numbered innings. And the fourth inning is the beer inning. Hey, we know how to play softball.

and tv's doogie howser, Neil Patrick Harris, as Bart Simpson. Bart, I'm scared. Let's get outta here. Shut up. Where do you want it, Skinner? Not smart. Cool! Hey, When do we get the check for this?

and there's nobody you can rely on, this is all you need to know. Thank you, Mr. Bergstrom. All aboard ! So I guess this is it. If you don't mind, I'll just run alongside the train as it speeds you from my life.

Your old meat made me sick! Oh, I'm so sorry. Please accept five pounds of frozen shrimp. This shrimp isn't frozen, and it smells funny. - Okay. Ten pounds. - Whoo-hoo!

These things happen. Eight dollars. Only three cavities, Bart. Your best checkup ever.

Yeah, right. Ms. Phipps, the school nurse, who will provide ointments and unguents, and jimbo, the school bully, who will administer noogies and nipple twisters. I look forward to whaling on all of you.

Jeers to this rusty tailgate.

Oh, can't you see this man isn't a hero? He's annoying. He's very, very annoying! Well, Ned Flanders is just jealous. Ah, the guy's hepped up on goofballs. Let's sacrifice him to our God! Come on. We did it all the time in the '30s.

Not tonight. Hey, hey! Bill and Marty here, wrapping up a beautiful Presidents' Day. To George and Abe and all the rest, here's a special song just for you.

Oh, that's better. Dad, what's wrong? We better get him home. There you go.

Come on, let's go play. My mom won't let me be your friend anymore.

So when you realized Christmas was ruined, how did you feel? How do you think I felt? Absolutely devastated. "Absolutely devastated." The words of a heartbroken mother. For there will be no fire truck for little Bart, no sweater for little Lisa,

Whee! So, how's it going, Grimey? I-i'd appreciate it if you'd stay out of my office, Simpson. I wish I had a nickel for every time I heard that.

From my face Losing control, yeah I'm all over the place What I'm trying to say in this cartoon... is that violence is everywhere in our society-- You know, it's, like, even in breakfast cereals, man.

(MOANING) I say... (YAWNING) (SNORING) The emperor finds it boring. Then so do we. (TITTERING) (SNORING)

But I wanna go to Duff Gardens right now! - Oh, Homer, quit pouting. - I'm not pouting. I'm mourning. Stupid dead woman. On top of spaghetti all covered with cheese I loSt my poor meatball-- If you don't mind!

that's all I need. I didn't take it. Why, you little-- How can you look me in the eye and lie like that? Homer, stop that! I believe him. Tell me, if he didn't take the money, why is he wearing those fancy clothes? That's what he wore to church! Oh, how convenient!

Thank you, Mayor Quimby, for honoring us with the school milk concession. Well, the good children of Springfield need their milk, and I need my-- Please accept this kickback as a token of our esteem.

Thank you, God. May I help you ? We're just browsing. Thank you. I'd like to see your finest RV. Do you have something that's better than the Land Behemoth ? Yes we do. That would be the Ultimate Behemoth. Where is it ? You are standing in its presence. Behold ! Oh, wow !

They're all here-- Otto von Bismarck, Maurice Chevalier, right up to jay Leno. These chips were my children, Marjorie. Take special care of them. Uh-oh.

Ah, making teenagers depressed is like shooting fish in a barrel.

Maybe I can isolate it. (REWINDING) (POPCORN POPPING) (SIGHS) I know I've heard that noise before.

What the hell is that?

Okay. But there's Dan Quayle and Courtney Love. Tonya Harding! Al Sharpton! Tom Arnold! What the hell's going on? Wait. Only that ship is going to Mars. Ours is headed for the sun. Yeah. Ain't that a kick in the teeth? I mean, my shows weren't great, but I never tied people up and forced 'em to watch.

Hey, Houdini! Why don't you saw Martin in half? Oh, I'm not the kind of magician who does tricks. I'm a mathemagician! Oh, man! Now, prepare to marvel at the mysteries of the universe, as I make this remainder-- disappear.

Are you sick of ordinary-shaped amusement parks? Am I ever! Then be the first family on your block... to visit Blockoland, the amusement park made entirely of Blocko brand assembly fun blocks. So, how much did you love Blockoland?

Homer, I can honestly say that was the best episode of Impy and Chimpy I've ever seen. Yeah, you should be very proud, Homer. You, uh, got a beautiful home here.

I know you ! Come back here !

I just came here to see Honk if You're Horny! in peace. Sir, if you just quiet down, I'd be happy to treat you to a garbage bag full of popcorn. Oh! This may surprise you, but you can't buy me off with food.

It's-- Code blue. Code blue.

which, by the way, your insurance will cover except for the deductible, which I'll reimburse you for if you get the part, which you will if you have a baby. C'est Troy bien. Okay. Now, listen. Let's talk baby names. You can't use Montana, Dakota or Florida-- they're taken. Mmm. Oregon? Oh! Pacific Northwest. Very hot.

Come on, Homer. japan will be fun. You liked Rashomon. That's not how I remember it. Besides, if we wanna see Japanese people,

(BEEPING) (GRUNTS) You know, I was thinking of taking a poetry class at the community college. Forget it. I had to sell all my marrow to pay the light bill. I didn't have much marrow.

(AIR WHOOSHING)

Please, stop it ! Wha-- Who are you people ? What do we want ? Substantially less violence in children's programming ! When do we want it ? Now ! No ! You're ruining the show ! Oh, stop it !

Your species is brutish and primitive! Do you have anything to say before we obliterate your planet?

And now, our feature presentation. Oh, for-- Oh, very well. Let's all go to the lobby Let's all go to the lobby Let's all go to the lobby Get ourselves some snacks

Hello, vigilant viewer. How may we help you ? We caught her ! We caught the Baby-sitter Bandit ! She's tied up at our house. Ask if there's a reward. Is there a reward ? - If she's convicted, we get T-shirts ! - Yeah ! How come all the lights are on ? I don't like the looks of this.

is we're finally learning something we can use. Yeah, so true.

Because I'm sure we were meant to be together. Usually when I have a thought, there's a lot of other thoughts in there. Something says yes, something says no, but this time there's only yes. How could the only thing I've ever been sure about in my life be wrong ? Hmm.

This is Wired. It's about computers and technology.

It was a good idea, Bart. But it's just not working. just speak from the heart, Seymour.

I wish I read that book by that wheelchair guy.

Uh-huh. Perfect. - But there's no room for you. - Cyohl f Video Game Chime f

Oh, Doctor, I'm crazy.

Da-da da-da-da Hey! Da-da-da-da da-da da-da-da Hey! Da-da I now pronounce you husband and wife.

james Woods. Previous job experience? Ooh, uh, gee, True Believer, uh, Salvador, Onion Field, The Hard Way.

Everything reminds me of him.

No detention, fairly good attendance...

Son, you've got to marry that girl. Because it's honorable? No! Because you'll never do any better. You lucky bum. The fish jumped right in the boat. All you got to do is whack her with the oar.

hinges on your successful completion of Nuclear Physics 101. Oh, and one more thing. You must find the jade monkey... before the next full moon. Actually, sir, we found the jade monkey. It was in your glove compartment. And the road maps and ice scraper? They were in there too, sir. Excellent!

Don't you worry. Your family will be here soon. The only way out ain't pretty. What's that? Dating a nurse. I knew you'd send your father to the crazy house. You said poorhouse. I said crazy house! Poorhouse. Crazy house! Poorhouse. Crazy house!

Hey, wait, That's not a dummy.

J; Now, a guitar has many, many nicknames: an ax, a gitbox- I guess that's it. Anyway, we're gonna start with the fundamentals: playing a burning guitar with your teeth.

Wake up, Bart. Rise and shine, little guy.

Don't hog it all, smelly head! Go to hell, zit face! Give me that sugar!

Oh, no. No, no. No, no, no. They're due back at the store by 6:00. Get off 'em. Get off. Off. Get off. All right. Now, what's so all-fire great about your fancy-pants Leader? The Leader knows all and sees all. Ooh. Well, that is impressive.

Look, I'm supposed to get a physics tutor. You've come to the right place. If there's one thing we know, it is science. And math. And the words to every Monty Python routine. We are the knights who say "Ni!" Ni! Ni! Ni!

Welcome aboard.

(SPEAKING SWEDISH) (IN EXAGGERATED SWEDISH ACCENT)

they fight And bite they fighT and bite and fight Dad! V-chip, v-chip! Sorry, sorry, my fault. ...And scratchy show

Mr. Simpson, this government computer can process over nine tax returns per day. Did you really think you could fool it? No, sir. I'm really sorry, sir. An older boy told me to do it. You're looking at five years, minimum.

If you can tell me why I shouldn't fire you without using the letter "E," you can keep your job. Uh, okay. Um-- I'm a good work-- guy. You're fired. But I didn't say-- You will. Eeeeeeee!

Ha! Wha-- Who's gonna clean up all those jets?

Come on, Homer ! Get the lead out !

You should call that radio station and let 'em have it!

Dad, change it back. Yeah. That was the boy Lisa likes. No, I don't. Lisa and Jesse sitting in a tree, - K-I-S-S-I-N-G-- - Shut up. First comes love, then comes-- Um-- Damn it, I know this.

I pronounce it to be the most whimsical jape of the season. Quite. Hmm. Ahhh ! Ahhh !

Now, you listen to me! I don't like you! I never liked you! And the only reason I gave you that stupid valentine is 'cause nobody else would! Watch this, Lise. You can actually pinpoint the second when his heart rips in half. And... now. Ohh.

Some people call me Maurice Whoo, whoo !

Mayor unveils erection to cheering crowd.

So whammo, you get stuck in some boring job... where they dont let you play guitar or take pictures of naked women. And all you can do is watch yourself get bald and fat... and kiss your dreams good-bye.

You know, we've had a lot of fun tonight at the expense of the U.S. Navy. But they're out there every day protecting us from Godzilla.

Hey, what is that? It's an inanimate carbon rod! Oh! They were just about to show some close-ups of the rod.

Oh, an English boy, eh? You know, we saved your ass in World War II. Yeah, well, we saved your ass in World War III. That's true.

Hey, I'm looking for Amanda Huggenkiss!

Mr. Devereaux, I can't work under these conditions. Have it your way, baby. You're fired. Oh, Avery. Call me Mr. Devereaux.

What about the buffoon lessons? The four years at clown college? I'll thank you not to refer to Princeton that way.

They're both losers. Losers! Rip-off! We paid for blood! Let's tear this place apart! Good idea!

No, I can't kill you either. Look at you-- standing there on your hind legs... like a couple of Rory Calhouns. Well, Mr. Burns, I hope you've realized the folly of killing innocent animals for fashion.

I don't get it. Straight A's, perfect attendance, bathroom timer--

(DR. HIBBERT CHUCKLING) Wow! The creator of Futurama! Mr. Groening, will you autograph my Bender doll? Sure. I'm happy to give anyone my autograph anytime or anywhere. On the street, in a store or on my private property. But why be happy with just an autograph? What about an original sketch or snippet of my hair?

(TIRES SCREECHING)

Monkey. There's a monkey in the house. Relax. It's only Mojo. Mojo, Marge. Marge, Mojo. He can do anything you show him. Watch. Simpson residence.

With the money made from the gold, Olde Springfield was able to buy the Evian water factory and fly it over here from France. Ohh! Thanks, Mayor Simpson. Because of you, we're all takin' golden showers! What?

If anyone wants to learn more about zinc they're welcome to stay. We can talk about anything. I'll do your homework for you.

Welcome to Mensa! You've joined such luminaries as cartoonist, Mel Lazarus, Geena Davis and Parade magazine's Marilyn vos Savant. Each the tops in his or her field, uh, except for Mel Lazarus.

Oh, yeah Now, Homer, we've developed this additive... that makes beer super, super malty. - Care to try it? - Wait a minute. Will this erase my memory? No. Not at all. Ma--

And there's the cane from Citizen Kane! Wait a minute. There was no cane in Citizen Kane.

Simpson, Homer Simpson He's the greatest guy in history From the town of Springfield He's about to hit a chestnut tree

J At iastJ J Relax Don 't do itJ - pp - Disco Stu should have disco ducked. Ow.

He said it was just a name! What he meant is that Monster Island is actually a peninsula.

down mexico way that's where I fell in love when stars above CaMe out to play and now AS i wander my thoughts ever stray

look, I'll just post 'em up and you just see where your name is. Ooh, look at how many cuts there are there. Oh, boy! You're cut! All of you! He's cut. I cut you! Shh! You're cut too, shushy!

contrary to what you've just seen, war is neither glamorous nor fun. There are no winners. Only losers. There are no good wars, with the following exceptions: The American Revolution, World War II, and the Star Wars trilogy. If you'd like to learn more about war, there's lots of books in your local library-- many of them with cool, gory pictures.

and he insisted that we make time to acknowledge the hard work of everyone... who makes The Simpsons possible.

Man fall down. Funny.

you tell them you'll leave the money under the big net in the park. And then down comes the net. Right, Chief? Hey, I like it. I like it a Lot.

I'd be more than happy to. I saw Mr. Montone there seal Mr. Palaccio in an oil drum and roll him off the pier. I kill you! Ay, caramba!

Get off the road, you freakin' maniac! Yeah, you jackass!

Do you know what really frosts my Kelvinator? That fruitcup's probably still laughing at us from his damn hidey-hole. I'd rather take an order from Bill Clinton... than hear that guy's snooty, high-toned voice again, sir.

And that was "Take This job and Shove It."

I fell 8,000 feet onto a pile of jagged rocks. Of course, folks were tougher in those days. I was jitterbugging that very night. But that skunk McAllister was never seen again.

And with my patented seminar, you will learn how to corner the real estate market through hypnosis. Why waste your hypnotic powers on neighbors and coworkers? I can't take this anymore.

The mother's the voice of reason. Here come the cricket bats. You don't have the cobbles. Classic. Not hard to see why it's England's longest-running series. And today we're showing all seven episodes.

Hymns here! I got hymns here! Get 'em while they're holy! Fresh from God's brain to your mouth! And now please rise for our opening hymn, uh, "In the Garden of Eden"... by I. Ron Butterfly.

I'll give you four bucks for it. Very well. I must hurry back to my comic book store, where I dispense the insults rather than absorb them.

and you havent slept in a fortnight. What’s a fortnight? You should know. ts on the test.

And that's how Willie waters. Now, you take the hoose-- The moose? The hoose! The hoose! Is this right? Turn off the noozle! The noodles? What noodles? The noozle at the end of the hoose! Miss Simpson, do you find something funny about the word "tromboner"?

Dad, you and your stories. "Bart broke my teeth." "The nurses are stealing my money." "This thing on my neck is getting bigger."

Hey-Hey ! Krusty ! Oh. Sorry.

Yeah, whatever. You better pretend you want your uniform back, twerp. Keep away! Keep away! Oh, no. Woe is me. My precious uniform. Oh.

- Good news, Abe. - Who are you? No, no. You've been nominated for an award. You're so good, I fired the other writers. From now on, the fate of the entire company rests on that delightful coconut of yours. Oh, no! We're all doomed! I'm a complete fraud! Huh? Sorry? I didn't catch any of that. And now I gotta go.

Hey, look. The new Ovenfresh Flour bag. Ah, that could've been me. CLETUS: Aw, I wish it had've been. (SOBS) Now that Brandine's famous, she done run off with James Caan.

Hello, family. Where have you been, young man? It's nearly bedtime. I was-- I was-- If anyone asks, you were at the flower shop.

I didn't know they still made TV dinners this bad. After dinner, can I watch cartoons ?

Boom! Boom it went! Boom! Just like that!

Oh, your mother's not pregnant, is she? No. I got hit by a couple of cars. I won't be able to play today. Yes!

Ooh ! A vortex. Catch ! Hey ! Pretty slick. Huh ? "Quit throwing your garbage into our dimension."

Speaking of charming, watching Fox last night I heard a rather amusing story. This character named Martin was feeling rather randy, and he was heard to remark-- Don't you ever come near my daughter again! Never have I heard such gratuitous use of the word "butt"! But-- But-- But-- But-- But-- But--

Can you believe it? They give you five Q's and only two U's. What a world. That's crazy. So, what's on your mind, Marge? Sermons about constancy and "prudissitude" are all very well and good,

Weird scenes inside the gold mine Well, world, this is it.

Smithers, coffee. Ah! We need some excitement around here.

David Letterman! - Hi, David. I'm Grampa. - D'oh! I'm Mike Wallace. I'm Morley Safer. And I'm Ed Bradley. All this and Andy Rooney tonight on 60 Minutes! Hello, Police? This is Marge Simpson.

When I asked you if that dummy was to fake your own death, you told me no. You go downtown first thing in the morning and straighten this out. Mom! Dad! Bart ran into a door frame and bit his tongue! What the hell is going on here?

But you need to try things on. Every brand has a different idea of "husky." I'm in tantrum position. T-minus 5, 4, 3-- Remembering dead cat for real tears, and-- Fine, you win. I'll do your shopping for you.

Ew. Listen, I said it to Shatner and I'm saying it to you. There is no way I'm going to be dating a man with pie on his face. (SOBBING) (ALL LAUGHING) There's a note! (READING) Finally, a superhero that kids can love.

"Albuquerque Isotopes"? What is all this stuff? It's not anything.

Tijuana! South of the border down mexico way

Wait a minute. I'm at work. You gotta pay for it! What the- Where's my money? f Marge's Voice f Wha- Oh. f Lisa's Voice f f Bats Voice f

It's probably my imagination, but something about them didn't seem quite right. Really? Excuse me for just a moment. People, that was all wrong! Homer Simpson doesn't say "B'oh." He says-- "D'oh."

You can't escape, Bob. If the tennis rackets don't get you, the pool skimmers will. Oh, I-- I never planned to escape. You see, this is a kamikaze mission. You and I are going to kill Krusty the Clown!

Hmm. Ow ! You knew the city forensics finals are tomorrow, and you kept me here until 1:00 a.m. pretending to be stupid ! Homer J. Simpson, I hate you !

I'm Marge Simpson, and this is my husband, Homer. Oh, nice to meet you, Marge. I saw your hair from the plane. And you must be the man who didn't know if he had a pimple or a boil. It was a gummi bear.

We're the performers you thought were dead Like Bonnie Franklin and Adrian Zmed Branson's the place we can always be found They took Nick at Nite and made it a town

There. Now, that gum should lift right out. Ow. Maybe it needs a little mayonnaise to get going. Okay. You go sit in the sun and let it melt in. Hmph. Why me?

15 seconds to core meltdown. just do what you did before. All right. Eeny, meeny, miney, moe Catch tiger by toe If he hollers let him go Eeny, meeny, miney... moe.

Good ol' Judge Snyder. Next defendant, Bartholomew J. Simpson. Well, showtime. Why, hello, Bart. Say, are those new shoes? Yes, they are, Roy. Judge Snyder? While we're young? Oh, sorry.

Financial panther, eh? Mr. Simpson, you're a dollar overdrawn. Get him, Sheba! I'm on board.

(RAP MUSIC PLAYING)

Ohhh, what the hell? Muuuah! Seven, six-- five, four, three, two, one--

Bart! Bart! Cecil.

so extraordinary, it becomes part of our shared heritage. 1969-- man walks on the moon. 1971-- man walks on the moon... again. Then for a long time, nothing happened. Until tonight.

And that's when the CHUDs came at me. Oh, Homer, of course you'll have a bad impression of New York... if you only focus on the pimps and the CHUDs.

Hey, Homer! Great call on that chicken place. And on that rib place! I never knew everything was so good! Look, Marge. I'm making a difference in people's lives.

These spurs are killing me. Ey-y-y. Sit on it. Lenny, '50s day is next Wednesday. I gotta go home and change!

For the love of God, cut to the commercial! Poor Krusty!

And a jar of garlic pickles. No one will want to kiss me after these, eh, Smithers? Well, it's their loss, sir. Yes. Allow me, sir.

You made me miss the last precious moments of Bea's life ! I'll never speak to you again ! I have no son !

Don't even think about it, pal!

KEARNEY: Here's a new one. "Big-ass Baryshnikov." (CLICKING) (GRUNTING) (ALL LAUGHING) Now to send this spaz around the world. (CLICKING) (LAUGHING IN FRENCH ACCENT)

Whoa ! Whoa ! Whoa, all right ! No line ! I AY, caramba ! Okay, Lis, turn on the waterworks, babe. Mommy ! I want my mommy !

Okay. I'll be back in an hour.

of the longitudinal waves cause the erratic oscillation-- you can see it there-- of the neighboring particles. Yes? What is it? What? What is it? Can I play with it? No, you can't play with it. You won't enjoy it on as many levels as I do. The colors, children. Wow-wee!

They'll never know the simple joys of a monkey knife fight. Give it to him, boy! Give it to him!

Oh, look at that adorable spice rack. Eight spices. Oh, some must be doubles. "oregano"? What the hell?

Tooting, some call it pooting It's air-polluting The gas comes shooting right from your butt, butt, butt, butt, butt, butt, butt, butt, butt, butt Ooh! This makes me want to fop till I drop.

Nice grizzlies. N-Nice grizzlies. Nice grizzlies. What do we do, Dad ? Praise the grizzlies, son. Nice grizzlies. Nice grizzlies.

(GRUNTS) I'm alive! I'm gonna go to America! I'll be in pictures! You'll see! The whole world is gonna know the name Simon Stoolowitz!

What's the problem? Well, my family wants to move back to Springfield. Let 'em go. You'll stay here with me. We'll go bowling. What's bothering 'em?

No. Oh, that's my degree in nuclear physics. I'm sure you all have one. Oh, yeah. Carl and I each have a masters. Of course, old Homer-- He didn't need a degree. He just showed up the day they opened the plant. I didn't even know what a nuclear "panner" plant was. Um-- Yeah. Well, listen.

Peanuts... butter.

and I will shout slogans at you. Push. Harder. Go past the max. Reach over the top. Master your ass. Wow, Wolfie. Two months ago I didn't know what the word dumbbell meant.

His jiggling is almost hypnotic. Yes. It's like a lava lamp.

Touch the stove. I cant take any more of these shows.

No, no. Stop it. Stop it. You'll enrage the beast! No pictures. You're driving him mad!

Uh-- So, let's have a conversation. Uh, I think we'll find we have very little in common. Can't talk. Eating. Hey, my favorite-- raspberry swirl with a double glaze!

I'll save Homer! All I needs is four stout men to work the bellows. No, Pops. It's too risky. For all we know, there could be cubes in there the size of gorillas and other large--

So, my friends, let's just junk those dumb-o-crats... and their bleeding heart "smellfare" program. Dad, I had to listen to this jerk all morning. Can we listen to something else? When I'm driving the car, I get to choose the radio station. When you're driving, we'll listen to your radio station.

Tonight I'll be reading from a copy of my book I just checked out at Atherton Library!

This town has laws against impersonating movie characters. Oh, behave! Uh-- Oh.

Lookin' out the window, that's a paddlin'.

Well, I realize it's trite, but we could tour the bridges of Madison County. Hey! Who has better vacation ideas than Triple-A? According to the publisher of this Triple-A guidebook, no one. I've always wanted to see Macon, Georgia. Wait. How about a fair?

I'm talkin' downtown. And before he broke his jaw, he never listened. But now he takes to heart everything I say. Well, as much as humanly possible. Well, Marge told us when you didn't listen, it led to "weckless" "cwiminal" behavior.

As I was saying, my yearly evaluation couldn't have come at a better time. Well, Seymour, I must say, for once, I am impressed. In fact, I am going to give this school a perfect 10. I'll just write the zero first. Now a vertical line to indicate the one.

Well, turn something on. I'm startin' to think!

It's 'N Sync! Word! This child thinks of nothing... but trendy Hollywood celebrities. We can learn much from this innocent one-- like Justin Timberlake's home phone number.

So I said to him, "Look, buddy, your car was upside down when we got here. And as for your grandma, she shouldn't have mouthed off like that!" Dad, don't you see you're abusing your power like all vigilantes? I mean, if you're the police, who will police the police? I dunno. Coast Guard?

My cans. My precious, antique cans. Aw, look what you done to 'em. Well, it's getting late. Maybe we should call it a night.

Bart, you are the meanest, nastiest little boy that ever lived. Hey, there's a dog in the next car looking at me. Hey, dog. You don't even care how upset I am! This time, you have gone too far.

I'll get you, you fat lunatic!

Hey! That's not the wallet inspector.

This is Kent Brockman with a special live report... from the headquarters of Krusty opponent, John Armstrong. How can I prove we're live? Penis.

as long as you have beer? That's right. Wrong. All beer trucks heading toward Springfield have been diverted. This town will be as dry as a bone. And if the rest of you beer-swilling tube jockeys out there... have a problem with this, talk to Homer Simpson.

Dad, it's the third Sunday of the month ! - You know what that means. - Go away ! Oh, Come on, Dad. I promise we'll have more fun this time. We're gonna see lions ! I can't go ! It's my girlfriend Bea's birthday.

Homer, I gave you this job because you're an average schmo. Oh, great. All you need is a little self-confidence. Unky Herb, I don't know anything about cars. Listen to me ! Here's what you do. From now on, before you say anything, say to yourself, "If I was ever sure of anything, I'm sure of this." - Do you understand ? - Sort of.

And now, we return to Fox Night at the Movies. Homer s.: Portrait of an Ass Grabber, starring Dennis Franz. Ooh! Portrait. Sounds classy. Doesn't it?

Whoo-hoo! D'oh! Yes. You're in deep "d'oh" now.

Aah! Maggie! Hey, hey! Get your sticky hands off me! Ow! Oh, bad cat! Leave her alone!

How can you have a house without a gun? What if a bear came through the door? I'm going to bury it in the yard where little hands can't get to it. You should have fired into the air. She would have run off. People, take it easy.

Blackening our hair was a great idea, Dad. l lookjust like a Powerpuff Girl.

My mom got a job in Capitol City. Capitol City? You can't move that far. You're my best friend! What's your mom making? I'll match it! It's too late, Bart. My mom's already transferred her 401K. No!

If you want to get closer to him maybe you should bridge the gap. I do it all the time. I pretend I'm interested in power tools going to silly car-chase movies and things I'll tell you when you're older. Do you understand?

Won't you Come home franz brauder - won't you come home Yoo-hoo. Ach du Liebe! Das ist not eine booby.

No. By tomorrow you'll barely be able to breathe. Oh... man. Dr. Hibbert Ken Griffey jr. needs to see you immediately. We think it's an overdose of nerve tonic. Good Lord! Gigantism!

Let's just say we've got a few ideas up our sleeve. Like what? Uh-- I'd rather not get into it right now. Why not? All right. We don't have any ideas for the future. We got nothing. Happy? No.

Freeze, hair ball!

Oh, it's a corker of a case. Seems a man drove up onto a traffic island... and hit a decorative rowboat full of geraniums. Now they're trying it as a maritime offense. So, anyhoo, how'd you like to use my beach house, free of charge? I only get two weeks of vacation a year,

You're a natural, Mr. Simpson. Really? Uh-huh. All you need is your own set of clubs. And stay the hell out of my locker! You can keep the shoes.

Oh, dear. I see no signs of life. - just to be safe, we better pull the plug. - Yoink! Mr. Burns, how can you be so coldhearted? You have no idea, woman, what that man's put me through.

Oh, good. He can grab onto them pointy rocks. Oh, no. Them rocks broke his arms and legs! Oh, good. Those helpful beavers are swimming out to save him. Oh, no. They're biting him and stealing his pants.

If honest and open is what you like, get a load of this. I'm not really in any French class. This was just a brilliant scheme to get to know you better. Hmm. Ow ! You knew the city forensics finals are tomorrow, and you kept me here until 1:00 a.m. pretending to be stupid !

Digital audiotape, my butt. When I was a kid, we had compact discs,

Kaboom! That, the sound of the thunderous volcanic explosion... which gives birth to the magnificent geode, one of nature's most--

You get up every mornin' from your alarm clock's warnin' Take the 8:15 into the city Get to the "workin' overtime" part! Unbelievable. Dumb-ass. Workin' overtime Work out

Hi, Poochie! You look like you've got something to say. - Do you? - Yes, I certainly do.

Besides, he's a great kisser. Ew! Yuck!

"Simpson." How can I help you? Mr. Burns, you do this personally? It's a hobby. I'm not in this for personal gain. Are you acquainted with our state's stringent usury laws? Usury? Silly me. I made up a word that doesn't exist.

If you come home, I won't die alone and that's what I'd prefer Oh, please Settle for Seymour So please

The folks at the senior center... sure will love that peach tree we planted. I wish we could see their happy faces. Sin of pride, Roddy. I'm sorry. Sin of regret. The house is slightly askew. To the panic room!

Great Caesar's Ghost! A talking Krusty doll!

M-Mrs. Glick ? You must be Burt Simpson. Well, you look like you got a strong, young back. Would you like something to eat ? I got dried apricots, almond paste, sauerkraut candy-- Uh, no, thanks. Who's that ?

(CELL PHONE RINGS) Hello? Chloe, forget about the Women's Conference. I need you to get over to Mount Springfield! It's about to erupt. Don't we have a reporter who specializes in natural disasters? Yeah. He's busy covering Julia Roberts' last haircut. (CHUCKLES) But seriously, he's dead. Now, get going.

Not talking, eh, Willie?

Precious Venus.

Uh, I have a horsie. Wuss!

That's good. The frogurt is also cursed. That's bad. But you get your choice of topping. That's good!

Ooh. Ha-ha! Free comedy tip, slick. The pie gag's only funny when the sap's got dignity! Like that guy. Hey, Hal! Pie job for Lord Autumnbottom there! Oh, dear.

Lisa, it's me, Daddy. Your father.

Though it was unusual to spend 28 minutes reporting on a doll, this reporter found it impossible to stop talking. It's just really fascinating news, folks. Good night. Oh, and the president was arrested for murder. More on that tomorrow night.

Hello. I'm Leonard Nimoy. The following tale of alien encounters is true.

Texas T.H.C. Look, man, I don't do drugs. Homer, for your eyes, the best tonic is chronic. You're not afraid, are you? I had a bad experience with drugs. It was that golden weekend between summer school and regular school.

Thank you. On the way we can do that $2,000 man thing. You be Carl Reiner, and I'll be Police Chief Wiggum. Listen. Why don't you play Carl Reiner and let me play Police Chief Wiggum? I hate Carl Reiner!

Are you sure this is the woman you saw in the post office? Absolutely. Who could forget such a monstrous visage? She has the sloping brow and cranial bumpage of the career criminal. Uh, sir, phrenology was dismissed as quackery 160 years ago. Of course you'd say that. You have the brainpan of a stagecoach tilter. At any rate, the F.B.I. will track down this mystery woman...

Guess we're done! I'll call Washington and tell them they won. But, Presidente, America tried to kill you! Ah, they're not so bad. They even named a street after me in San Francisco. It's full of what?

Look! There's another disadvantaged boy. Where?

Yeah. General Sherman. They say he's 500 pounds of bottom-dwelling fury, don't you know. No one knows how old he is, but if you ask me, and most people do, he's a hundred years if he's a day. And no one's ever caught him ? Well, one fella came close. Went by the name of Homer. Seven feet tall he was, with arms like tree trunks.

Drinking, gambling and debauchery. It's right under our noses-- a secret house of burlesque. That's right. That's-- That's not good. People, this is an issue that we, as a town, are strong enough to ignore. Let us give no more scrutiny to this bawdy house...

- Are you coming in, Homer ? - No, no. I wanna be alone with my thought.

What's this? "Extremely high voltage." Well, I don't need safety gloves, because I'm Homer Simp-- Frank Grimes-- or "Grimey," as he liked to be called--

Your infatuation is based on a physical attraction. Talk to the woman and you'll realize you have nothing in common. Barney, that is so insightful. How did you come up with that? It was on one of these bar napkins.

But, Marge, Alan Thicke is throwing knives at Ricardo Montalban. Ow. Sorry, Ricardo.

Oh. What do you think, Tom Clancy? Well, the B-2-- No, no, no. I was asking Maya Angelou. The ebony fighter awakens dappled with the dewy beads of morn. Maya Angelou is black? It is a Mach-five child... forever bound to suckle from the shriveled breast of Congress.

We'll also show you how to turn a shoebox into a you-box. Oh, I missed the feeding frenzy. I hope you're happy.

These days, everything from fax machines to coffee makers... can be plugged into your dash hole. I'll take 'em. DVD player, check. Sno-cone machine, check. Lite-Brite-- check. Fog machine-- Even I think this is crazy.

As soon as I graduate, I am so outta here.

How could you both miss the bus to school? We touched hands, and then we had to wash the cooties off. What's all that rustling? My show-and-tell project-- a Peruvian fighting frog.

Okay, kids. Tonight's the big night. Now remember, the important thing is to just dance flawlessly. Excuse me. Why isn't my name in the program? It is, silly. You've got the most important part of all. "Curtain puller"? No one can see the show if the curtain isn't open. But my parents are counting on seeing me dance.

That is some outfit, Scoey. It makes you look like a homosexual. Oh. Maybe you all are homosexuals too.

The hell I won't. You're forgetting I've got my Powersauce bars. Wake up, Homer. Those bars are just junk. They're made of apple cores and Chinese newspapers. Hey. Deng Xiaoping died.

Well, that's the first case I've ever seen... of a man suffering four simultaneous heart attacks. I'm sorry, Dad. It's all right. I understand. But we really could have used that $12,000. Um, Dad, 10% of $120 million isn't 12,000.

Meet Cue Ball, the man with no hair! Huh? He's hideous! We have to do something. Marge, it'll cost $8,500. We only have 500 in the bank, and that leaves...

Works for me. Uh, what do you like, Lisa? "Viomalin"? "Tubamaba"? "Oboemoboe"? That one. Oh, "saxomaphone." Two hundred dollars?

New job? Marge is pregnant? Noooo! Wow, Dad, you really threw a tantrum like a little sissy girl? Oh, just that one time. Actually, when I was about to have Bart--

123 Fake Street. Got it.

Dad! Whoops! Sorry, Son. I didn't know you, jay Leno and a monkey were bathing a clown. Well, they are, so make with the loofah or get out. And then of course, there's Mom,

All right, brain. You don't like me, and I don't like you, but let's just do this and I can get back to killing you with beer. It's a deal!

Yep. I saw her.

We've all been the victims of a cruel hoax perpetrated by a ten-year-old hooligan. The time has come for finger-pointing, and most of them are squarely aimed at the boy's parents. It's not our fault. We didn't want the boy. He was an accident. Homer! Could you edit that last part? Mr. Simpson, we're live.

ALL: Eat my shorts! ALL: Cowabunga! (ALL SHOUTING) (EXPLOSION) (IRISH MUSIC PLAYING)

Hmm. Way to put us out of work, genius. I can't feed my family with a codpiece. Wait. You can't hate me. I'm your better! Your better!

What the-- Zeppelin rules!

Now, how may I best dispense with you today?

Here's johnny! D'oh! David Letterman! - Hi, David. I'm Grampa. - D'oh! I'm Mike Wallace. I'm Morley Safer. And I'm Ed Bradley.

Stupid bug! You go squish now! But that was just one little insignificant mosquito. That can't change the future, right? Right? I dunno.

Can't I just bet that all the horses will have a fun time? Yeah. I think you want that line.

This job sure is easy. Now to press this button. Not again! Angry Dad, you're fired.

You know, Simpson, from the moment you walked into my office... I had a feeling I'd kill you in a hall of mirrors.

And I'm Edward G. Robinson. Waah!

Aw, just like on TV. Hi. You from the casino? I'm from a casino. Good enough. Let's go. I'm afraid Robert Goulet hasn't arrived yet, sir.

Now to the top of Mount Springfield for the coronation. Remove the Stone of Shame. Whoo-hoo! Attach the Stone of Triumph.

- Hey, nice threads. - I'm beat. And after work, I gotta dedicate a new Jiffy Lube and cohost the ACE Awards.

Bart, your mother has the fool idea... that you're upset about something. Dad, I need help. Please. Oh. Now come on, Bart. We don't want your mother to see you crying.

Hi, Dad. Looking for me? I don't know. Were you looking for me? I don't know. Oh, Lisa. I was looking for you. I wanted to apologize. I don't know exactly what went wrong, but I know it's always my fault. Actually, Dad, this time I was wrong-- - Oh. - too.

Look at me, Bart! I'm driving! We're all proud of you, Dad.

oh, no. My brains.

He said "tried"!

Oh, I always wanted to be a Teamster. So lazy and surly. Mind if I relax next to ya?

The Itchy & Scratchy Show

The eating of an orange is a lot like a good marriage. just eat the damn oranges!

I need the biggest seed bell you have. No, that's too big.

Answer it. Y'ello. It's for you. Mr. Burns-- 48 rings. Are you all right? What did Simpson do to you? Do? Nothing other than drive me to distraction with his incompetent boobery.

Mr. jefferson, my name is Lisa Simpson, and I have a problem. I know your problem. The Lincoln Memorial was too crowded. Sorry, sir. It's just-- No one ever comes to see me. I don't blame them. I never did anything important--

Do I understand you correctly, Bartron? Do you wish me to release you from the Helmet of Evil Thoughts... with my enchanted space wand? Yes! Yes! Yes! I will do it, Bartron.

Frank Grimes, Jr.

That he is an Englishman He remains an E-E-E-En Glish man

Come on, Willie. I know you're out there.

This is where we invented the Lambada and the Macarena. We are now developing our most powerful dance-- the Penetrada. It makes sex look like a church! I don't think my daughter should hear this. You can't protect her forever, you stupid lady.

Well, uh... I wish the candy machine wasn't so picky about taking beat-up dollar bills... because... a lot of workers really like candy. We understand, Homer. After all, we are from the land of chocolate. Mmm... the land of chocolate!

Oh, boy! Free trading cards! Wow! joseph of Aramathea! Twenty-six conversions in A.D. 46! Whoa! A Methuselah rookie card!

"Congratulations! "Your child, or children, have been selected to appear... "in Who's Who Among American Elementary School Students.

Lisa in trouble. Ha! The "ironing" is delicious. The word is "irony."

Hey there! My name's Chet. I'm the cameraman for this here 'cano story. Let's see. I've been to Afghanistan, Serbia, Lebanon... (LOUD ERUPTION)

If you ever get into trouble, all you need to do is-- Feels like I'm wearin' nothin' at all. Nothin' at all. Nothin' at all. Stupid sexy Flanders!

Anybody I know. Chief, my daughter's up there. You're a father, too! Yeah. But I'm a cop first, then a boat enthusiast, amateur historian, yo-yo dieter, then I'm a cop again... LISA: Help! Help! So much sulfur dioxide! I'm coming, sweetheart!

john ? Gloria ? My name's Gloria. I'm here because johnny boy hasn't been able to cut it man-wise... for some time. Not that I'd want his odor of gin and sour defeat pressed against me. That's enough, Gloria ! Thank you, Gloria. john, why don't you tell us a little about why you're here ?

Oh, I didn't get rich by writing a lot of checks.

Hear ye! Hear ye! The Homer broadcasting system is on the air! All hollering, all the time. I'm gonna make-- You're to restrict your criering to the parade... - and selected preapproved publicity events. - Okay.

Pie. Popular pastry, tricky math thing and now sword of righteousness. A masked avenger has been giving Springfield's scoundrels their just desserts! This is for your show's slight decline in quality over the years!

All right, who's hungry? We're right near a Judi Dench's Fish & Chips. SQUEAKY-VOICED BRITISH TEEN: Welcome to Judi Dench's Fish & Chips. Now completely free of "Mad Fish Disease."

- Ow! - Ow, that hurts! Man, we're stupid. Hate you guys. The next morning we went out to the old quarry to have a swim.

Anyway, we got a great show for you. Well, actually the last half hour's a real garbage dump. We'll be right back.

It's okay. It's okay. I'm back. See? Daddy's here. Come on, Maggie. Maybe if you just squeeze a little. That's it. That's it. I-- D'oh!

Arr! That's Handsome Pete. He dances for nickels. Pete, ye got some customers.

But I'm just too tired. Well, my special mix tape will get you going. w'w' f "Brahms 's Lullaby"] Oh, no. That's Maggie's mix tape! Then Maggie must’ve gotten-

Say you don't need no diamond rings and I'll be satisfied tell me that you want the kind of things that money just can't buy I don't care too much for money money can't buy me love

Winners don't use drugs. Ehh! Ehh! Ehh! Ehh! Ehh! Ehh! Ehh! Ehh!

- Can you recommend a doctor who will? - Yes.

It'll be just like The Swiss Family Robinson, only with more cursing. We're gonna live like kings. Damn, hell, as kings.

Duff. The official beer of NASA-- National Association of the Sellers of Alcohol. Yay! Why does a dog have human girlfriends? People do crazy things in ads-- like eat at Arby's.

Lisa, it's your birthday happy birthday, Lisa

ow, ooh. ow, ooh. Ow, ooh.

We got Skinner's underpants! And there's nothing you can do about it, Mr. Ex-principal. That's not true. I can buy a new pair. No, I can't. I needed those. I really did.

I'm... I'm gay.

Soy! Soy! Soy! Soy! Soy! Soy! Soy!

Mmm! To the Puck-mobile. Ha! Go, go, go!

I'm one lesson short.

What are you doing now? I'm banging my head. I'm gonna make the lump even bigger. No! As your babysitter, I order you to stop hitting your head on the wall! Bart?

Huh? What? Oh, already?

I still like him better than Steinbrenner. All right, you ragtag bunch of misfits. You hate me, and I hate you even more. But without my beloved ringers you're all I've got. So I want you to remember some inspiring things that someone else may have told you in the course of your lives and go out there and win.

Do you really think I can win? Hey, I'm starting to think I can win. But those other girls are prettier than me. Lise, as your brother, this is the hardest thing I've every had to say. You're not ugly. Oh, Bart!

and have lots of money! Oh, he's poor. But look at all the other people that aren't p-- Oh, look at all the people who could buy and sell me! i should send a list of these names to the I.R.S.! i'm taking them all down!

Woodstock, '99. Quick! I need some water! Eight dollars! Not in this lifetime.

Has the weight loss tape reduced your appetite? Lamentably, no. My gastronomic rapacity knows no satiety.

Ow! Knock it off! Homer, we agreed we'd discuss the medication with Bart. Medication? Some special helpers that'll make you a good boy. - I don't wanna take drugs. - Sure you do. All your favorite stars have used drugs.

Lisa, ordinarily I'd say you should stand up for what you believe in. But you've been doing that an awful lot lately.

HENRY: Do we really need three of these people? Too ethnic, change it. More like "Cart-wrong." Worst voicing ever. Finally, a real celebrity. Oh, good. More producers. Just what they need. Him, I like.

And God said, Gather ye two of every flavor. Anoint them with 62 sauces, whipped cream and nuts. And ye shall call it... the Ark!

A vampire! Lisa, vampires are make-believe. just like elves, gremlins and Eskimos.

What was it, 50-- $60,000? Moe? Look, maybe it would help if you went over all the mistakes you made from the beginning. Moe? What? Let me get a pad.

Don't forget to tell me when you see the Offramp. Oh, there it-- went. No problemo. We'll just get off at the next exit.

But despite their mounting problems, the Simpsons' star continued to rise, like a plastic bag caught in an updraft. it was such an honor to be on the Walk of Fame. i mean, there we were with Hollywood royalty like Milton Berle and Nelson Mandela. And just a few stars down from the Cheerios honeybee.

- Oh, I knew this would happen. - Well, at least the burglar's having a merry Christmas. Bart. You're up early. I couldn't sleep. What's wrong? There was no burglar.

- Hey Homer, how's your car coming ? - Oh, fine. We were putting in an onboard something-or-other... and rack and peanut steering. - Homer. - Huh ? You didn't ask for rack and pinion steering, did you ? Uh, yeah, I think I did. How could you ask for it ? You don't even know what it is. You just called it rack and peanut steering. May I be excused ?

The important thing is that we've pinpointed the precise moment... when you developed your fear of flying. Well, wait. Some other stuff's coming back to me.

Listen carefully, and watch me wink as I speak, okay? Okay. The guy I'm really looking for-- wink-- is Mr. Bribe-- wink, wink. It's a ringtoss game. All right, that's it. I'm shutting this game down.

Oh, no. It's happening. Uh-oh.

They're just words, Neddie. Words can't hurt you. Ow! That's it! Dad, that was really mean. I know, sweetie. And I got him right in the-- Uh-oh! Uh, hi, Flanders. Go, Wildcats.

That's odd. He's outside digging. Probably digging for drugs. There's no drugs out there. No, of course not. It's not a school project. I'd have heard of it. I'd better go check it out. What are you doing? Diggin'. - Why? - To make a hole.

where my tongue will be torn out by ravenous birds. Bart did it! That Bart right there! Milhouse! Milhouse, you did the right thing. Bart, come with me for punishment. You too, snitchy. I want you to clean every one of these organ pipes...

Marvelous, marvelous. Funny till the end. Moment of silence. Well, it's my show now. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Hmm? Oh. Just a dream.

To stop those monsters one, two, three Here's a fresh new way that's trouble-free it's got Paul Anka's guarantee Guarantee void in Tennessee Just don't look just don't look

This is all your fault!

Homer, is this projection accurate? Did you borrow money from my sisters? I don't know, Marge. I can't be expected to keep track of all my wheelings and dealings. He blew all your savings on jack-o'-lanterns. You told!

Good-bye, Troy. I'll always remember you, but not from your films. Come on, jub jub. Let's go home, and I'll microwave you some nice roaches.

This next song is also about a girl and her pony. It's called "WildfIre."

I feel that way too. You see, whether igloo, hut or lean-to... or a geodesic dome, there's no structure I have been to which I'd rather call my home. Hello. Aah! When I first arrived you were all such jerks But now I've come to lo-o-Ove your quirks

It all started on Nuclear Plant Employee, Spouses and No More Than Three Children Night...

You're sending us to a doctor who advertises on pro wrestling ?

Now, Homer, we don't actually crack backs. It's merely an adjustment. Okay, you're gonna hear a loud cracking sound. There we go. Hey. It feels a little better. Mm-hmm. I thought it might. Now, I'll need to see you three times a week for, uh, many years.

It's Herschel Krustofski. My father was a rabbi. His father was a rabbi. His father's father... Well, you get the idea. My father was the most respected man in the lower East Side of Springfield. People would come from miles around to ask his advice.

Meauks Tavern grand opening. That was back when his floors were sticky with promise.

So you see, old people aren't so useless after all. Malloy's old, and he outsmarted the lot of you. And I'm even older, and I outsmarted him! Shut up. I've had my moment.

I'm not wearing a tie at all. But if I am wrong about that, maybe I am wrong about Mrs. Simpson. No further questions.

This way, Mr. Simpson. You sure have got some education, Mr. Hutz. Yes-- Harvard, Yale, M.I.T., Oxford, the Sorbonne, the Louvre.

Yes, I finked on Homer, but, you know, he deserved it. Never have I seen such abuse of the "Take a penny, leave a penny" tray.

Well, it sure is lucky... we stumbled upon this old, abandoned summer camp. Yeah. - Hey, how about a song? - Okay. Yeah.

Pretty cool of your mom to let us hang out here. Totally. Not like my mom. She'd be butting in with Rice Krispies squares and Tang.

"Here lies"-- Walt Whitman? Damn you, Walt Whitman! I... hate... you, Walt... freakin'... Whitman! Leaves of Grass my ass!

You know, the problem here was water leakage. If you just buy a fifty-cent washer-- I've got a better idea. Get the hell out! Look, I've got some washers in my truck. I'll give you one. Marge, get my gun.

Yeah? Well, your tree house looks kinda crummy too. Kinda really crummy. Well, when monsoon season comes, you'll be glad it's there. No food, no shelter, no monkey butlers. This island is a death hole. We should've just swum for it like Otto.

Fresh Khlav Kalash! Get your Khlav Kalash! Hey, could you go across the street and get me a slice of pizza? No pizza. Only Khlav Kalash. Oh, shoot. All right, all right. Give me one bowl. No bowl. Stick. Stick.

I am Homer Simpson-- Silence, sinner! Prepare for an eternity of horrible pain! Oh, no! Oh! Ha-ha! Oh, be quiet! You'll wake up John Wayne. I'm already up.

Lies make Baby jesus cry.

And tonight was the night I was gonna show him my tattoo. (SOBBING)

Let's get romantic. Well, okay.

You've got the wrong Nick's. You want Nick's on the other side of town. I don't know what Nicky's telling you. I haven't flushed a ball in years.

Worked like a charm. How sweet it is.

Dear Marge, xxx-- Homer. Big shots with their stainless steel lunch boxes.

I like to play with you. My back. I like to play with you. There goes my back again. I like to play with you. I like to play with you. I like to play with you. I like to play with you. Go get help, boy. I like to play with you. I like to play with you.

Son of a-- oof! What next? Uh-oh.

opening this Saturday. No, kid! Don't! Command link severed. Default setting. Crush. Kill. Destroy.

Americans have grown up with the image of the jolly fat man-- Dom DeLuise Alfred Hitchcock, and, of course Santa Claus. But in real life Santa would be suffering from gall stones hypertension, impotence, and diabetes.

young lust there's no time For lovin' young lust I don't need one in the oven young lust I'm pushin' and shovin' yeah, yeah young lust c'mon now I just can't wait

She's from Springfield. I knew her in high school. I didn't think anyone successful came from Springfield. What about that two-headed goat? Technically, he was born in Shelbyville. Yes. But he came here to die. HOMER: One of you ate tin cans. One of you ate health food. How you solved crimes, I'll never know.

Hello, class! Hi, Bart. Over here, sweetie. It's me, Mom. Hi. Hey! Hello! Well, I'm sure some of you already know me. I'm Bart Simpson's mother.

It means he gets results, you stupid chief!

Well, Willy, you can take it from here. Adios, dude. You'll be back ! You haven't seen the last of Willy ! I don't see why all this is necessary. Come on, Patty. You don't wanna show up for your big date... looking like Yosemite Sam.

Well, that's my story. And if you still wanna tear apart this young Sunday school student... as he stands on the brink of salvation, - I await your wrath. - Aw ! - Somehow I don't feel like killing anymore. - Neither do I. Dad.

Prank or study? Prank or study? Ohh. What should I do, Lord? Give me a sign.

And come hell or high water, I-- Wait a minute! Ice cream truck! Me! Me! I was here first!

Looks like those clowns in Congress did it again. What a bunch of clowns. How does he keep up with the news like that?

I knew there was only one person who could reunite this troubled clan-- my old fraternity brother Willie Nelson. I'd do anything for keg-meister julius. So I cooked up a phony awards show. Not again. Time saver, my ass.

But lucky for you, somebody here is responsible. Hey! There's a New Mexico.

Yup! There's your answer, fish bulb. Well, it was a good ride while it lasted. Come on, kids. Let's go home. We are home. That was fast. You've just got to accept it. Your Gameboy is gone. It's at the bottom of the ocean.

I'm surprised he doesn't try to blame his problems on his Percodan addiction. It wasn't my fault. It was the Percodan. If you ask me, that stuff rots your brain. And now, a word from our new sponsor. Percodan? Aw, crap!

It's Bart's moon party from outer space With R2-D2 playing the bass Hmm. No one's touching the hors d'oeuvres. It's Bart's moon party from outer space... What?

I can't. The beans will burn.

He fell for it! Way to go, Marge! Remarkable. There doesn't seem to be any damage at all. It just goes to show you that everything will work out if you have faith.

Doody. Booger. Man, that is killer material.

Whoa! When I say put your beer on a coaster, I mean it! You call that a knife? This is a knife. Down I go. Oh. Oh, hi, Bart.

Eww! Did you have to be so graphic? It's okay, Marge. They pave the way for this kind of filth in school.

Do I smell vodka? And wheatgrass? It's called a lawn mower. I invented it. - You want one? - Yeah, okay. And I'll have a rum and zinc. Ooh, I'll have one of those too. Hey, can I crash here tonight? Sure. We'll all stay.

Then why'd you come running up like that?

Must kill family. They'd been given rifles, but no ammunition.

Take out the mother cow. The rest will follow. Your corporation cuts down the rain forest... to create grazing land for cattle. Oh, for the love of-- Gimme that! No, you can't!

Oh, I always thought karma was baloney, but not anymore. Mmm, caramel bologna.

Hi, kids ! Is this Saturday ?

When Bart went through the transporter, what happened to his head? Oh, it'll turn up somewhere. Help me! Help me! Sucker!

"and the heart of the children to their fathers, lest I come and smite the earth with a curse." Well, that's it. We'll get some coffee. We'll get some matzo ball soup. I love the San Antonio Spurs, by the way. I think they're gonna win it all. So I guess there's nothing more to say but--

Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home wine-making course and I forgot how to drive? - That's because you were drunk! - And how.

Mom, I'd love to, but I don't need new clothes.

Don't do that ! Don't do that ! Hey, don't do that ! Take that, you dumb squirrel ! Where do they get their ideas ?

Unfortunately, the money never arrived. Well, this is a kick in the knickers. Should we complain to somebody? No. I say we just act snooty to Americans forever! I agree.

Bart is the shamus in short pants who sent me to prison. Your new boyfriend here framed Krusty the Clown... for armed robbery. If some snot-nosed little kid sent me to prison...

Well, I don't need safety gloves, because I'm Homer Simp-- Frank Grimes-- or "Grimey," as he liked to be called-- taught us that a man can triumph over adversity,

Well if it isn't my old friend Mr. McGreg, with a leg for an arm and an arm for a leg.

It's got to have sex appeal... and a catchy name.

And then sometimes I switch it up, like-- "No! No! No! Don't stop a-rockin'!"

That's okay. Your tears say more than real evidence ever could.

Well, Itchy and Scratchy are gone, but here's a cartoon that tries to make learning fun!

Hmm. Patent pending, patent pending, patent pending.

He's bowling a 280.

'Cause I'm driving in the carpool lane Aw, squiddy, I got nothing against ya. I just heard there was gold in your belly. Ha, ha, harr! Ha, ha, harr!

I want a nice sandwich, but the joey Bishop-- too fatty. The jackie Mason-- makes me gassy. The Bruce Willis? I don't like his work. What is this-- a Krusty the Clown?

Shh! Don't shush me, you rich bastard!

By gum, it worked. I've awakened in the future. "Moon Pie." What a time to be alive.

Closed-captioned By Captions, Inc. Los AngeleS

Oh, Bea ! Oh. Hmm ! It was a beautiful service, wasn't it, Mr. Simpson ?

Oh, the hammock district. That's right. Ready for the linkup, Mr. Scorpio. Homer, one second. I gotta take care of this. Very important. Be right back. Fine. Good afternoon, gentlemen. This is Scorpio. I have the doomsday device. You have 72 hours to deliver the gold,

Wait a minute. There's something bothering me about this place. I know! This lesbian bar doesn't have a fire exit! Enjoy your deathtrap, ladies. What was her problem?

"Feelin' fine." Well, that's a relief. This is less encouraging.

the girls and the fellas we'll fight till the death

You're here, aren't you? Yes, Bart. I never left you. Wh-What do you want from me? You'll see... after the surgery.

Open up! Open up! I got to go, and no fooling. Hey, Pop-N-Fresh! You're supposed to giggle. Gyyaaagh!!

Jenda, I think we're ready to go all the way, but I'm a little nervous. Bart, don't be nervous. Sex on prom night is as American as our 51st state, Saudi Israelia.

And you stir it all about You add a lot of lovin' and you serve it to your cat That's what it's all... Snowball III? (GASPS) (SOBBING) Oh, Lisa. Honey, it's okay. You're a Buddhist.

If I wasn't married, I'd go out with you like that! I am so sorry. Whatever you do, don't tell Marge. God, I love her! Hey, a penny! So, who are you guys anyhow? Agents Mulder and Scully, F.B.I.

But I wanna go to Duff Gardens right now! - Oh, Homer, quit pouting. - I'm not pouting. I'm mourning. Stupid dead woman.

Well, that's it. It's all over. Renee ain't gonna want to hang around with no joe Pinchpenny.

Hey, Barney, what'll it be? I'd like a beer, Moe. I'd like a single plum floating in perfume, served in a man's hat. Here you go.

Hello, children. Hello, Bart. Eep! Young friends,

Not again! Angry Dad, you're fired. Die, monster! Homer, what are you doing? Uh, uh, we're just rehearsing for Angry Dad: The Motion Picture.

Can't we have one meeting that doesn't end with us digging up a corpse?

We really can't afford this operation. You'll let him die? I know you're upset. Darn right I'm upset! Bart, watch your language. Oh. You did. Sorry. You're not going to let our dog die, and that's it! Lousy, dog-killing son-of-a--

If so, then I guess I'm just a caveman, if they existed, which they didn't. Boy, when you write, you can let your imagination run wild.

You've attained the rank of Pussy Willow.

Mom's gonna kill you. If she didn't want her car ruined, she should have done a better job hiding her keys. Hey! What the-- Hey! Hey! You're taking our grease! It's our grease now.

But-- Son, if you don't come out, I can't hug you and kiss you and make you feel all better. You think I'm dumb enough to fall for that ? I'm insulted.

So, if we put our stereo speakers on the ground... and play something with a lot of bass, those snakes will be in here like Oprah on a baked ham. Oh, good idea. Let's see-- bass, bass. Tiny Tim, The Chipmunks' Greatest Hits, A Castrato Christmas.

Son of a-- Ohh!

This castle is impregnable.

Separately But out of the box I find you poseable Lovable Just like me

The Mutton Chop Murderer is long gone. But this ledger will lead us to him.

You're my lady Of the morning - This truly is hell! Love shines In your eyes Okay. It has been 20 years, and you suitors have been very patient.

Hey, public display! Yeah, what's with the love thang?

It's funny because it's true.

(SINGING GIBBERISH)

Marge, come on! (GRUNTS) We'll be safe in the gas chamber.

And Harry Potter and all his wizard friends... - went straight to hell for practicing witchcraft. - Yea!

Homer, what is it? Slow down. Yer getta ferda redda oura. Think before you say each word.

To think, I turned to a cult for mindless happiness... when I had beer all along. And you, Marge, the bringer of beer. It's wonderful to think for ourselves again. You said it, Sister. You are watching Fox. We are watching Fox.

- Television broken? - No. There's a badger in there. Badger, my ass. It's probably Milhouse. Milhouse. Milhouse! It's a badger, all right, or possibly a griffin.

I rarely feel the need to utter d'oh Top 'o the mornin', ladies. Bite us. I can walk from Springfield to Alaska Then hobnob with the stars in Malibu Hi, Homer. I'm actor Steve Buscemi.

Oh, Abraham, calm down. I'm not here to scare you. They've got me haunting a family in Texas. Oh. Well, I'm glad you're keeping busy. Now listen, Abe. I want to know why my money isn't bringing you happiness.

HOMER: I've got you Deep in the heart of me FEMALE SINGER: So deep in my heart You're really a part of me

Come on, everybody! Sing along! Clang, clang, clang went the trolley This side only! Ding, ding, ding went the bell Zing, zing, zing went my heartstrings From the moment I saw him, I fell - Clang, clang, clang went the trolley Don't worry, Dad.

Oh, jury duty! I'll see that Quimby kid hang for this! I knew it was a bad idea to watch him open the mail.

I'm Headmaster St. John Van Hookstratten. Ten-four, Princess. Is that your beer tent? Ow! Monkeys point. Monkeys cry.

Well, from now on, you're gonna see a new Seymour Skinner. Oh, no, we won't! Yes, Mother.

Uh, yeah, we think we did. Uh, do you know "Insane in the Brain"? We mostly know classical, but we could give it a shot.

Look at me! Dad, it just kind of happened. You're taking this too hard. How would you like me to take it? "Go ahead, Bart. Have your fun. I'll be waiting for you"? I'm sorry. I can't do it! Well, what are you gonna do? Oh-ho. You'll see.

All right. Listen up. Listen up. These prestigious wrought iron security gates are bulletproof, bombproof and battering ram resistant. Now-- Then what happened to johnny D.? He forgot to lock 'em. Now, what am I bid? One kilo. Sold.

I look forward to it.

And here's your host, Gentle Ben. I just have one thing to say. Let's have less Homer Simpsons... and more money for public schools.

Sixty-three bottles of beer on the wall sixty-three bottles of beer Oh, this song is driving me crazy. B-i-n-g-o and bingo was his name-o Man, I don't know why I bought this stupid tape.

Hey, macarena Please! I'm trying to drive!

On second thought, Bart. Bart, come here. - Drink this. - No, thanks. Do not worry. This is France. It is customary for children to take a little wine now and then.

Good going, son. But remember-- Most lynch mobs aren't this nice.

That's exactly the point! Oh, Simpson, can't you go five seconds without humiliating yourself? How long was that? Your clownish behavior notwithstanding,

Mm-hmm. Well, that's... very good for a first try. You know what? I have a ball. Perhaps you'd like to bounce it.

This sucks! Bring out Mr. Teeny!

What's the matter, Homer? Alcohol's depressing effects don't kick in till closing. He's a little nervous. He has to give a speech on keeping cool in a crisis. What will I do?! What will I do?! I gave a speech once. I was pretty nervous, so I used a little trick. I pictured everyone in their underwear--

I had a bad experience with drugs. It was that golden weekend between summer school and regular school. Hey, Homer, want to smoke some marijuana? They say it's a gateway drug. Hmm-- Well, well. If it isn't the Doobie Brothers. Uh-oh. Crotch the weed, man.

Very unprofessional, Phil.

Well, anyway, I brought you a present. Look! It's a telescope I won at the optics festival. There was an optics festival, and I wasn't informed? You go now. But-- Go!

Blue ! Yellow ! Green. Black. Green. Green. I was right ! We'll be right back with more Grade School Challenge...

Are you crazy? You'll never make it. The hell I won't. You're forgetting I've got my Powersauce bars. Wake up, Homer. Those bars are just junk. They're made of apple cores and Chinese newspapers. Hey. Deng Xiaoping died. Homer, listen to me. Turn back now!

I work hard for the money So hard for the money - Oh, I something-something money Come on give me lots of honey Now, there's an employee, Smithers. A smile on his lips and a song in his heart. Promote him. Turn tape over!

D'oh! The bee bit my bottom! Now my bottom's big! Homer, this is an exact replica of your workstation. Hmm? Now we're going to simulate a power surge in core sector 8. What the hell are you talking about? What do I do? What do I do?

Ew! How could anyone consider that making love? All right, Jack. You're hired. I'll clear you out a cubby. You told a lie for me. I know. But the Lord will forgive me if it helps you get a second chance. Actually, Marge, it's the third if you count that farm couple. Farm couple?

Hey, kids, wanna drive through that cactus patch? Yeah! Yeah! No! Whoop, two against one.

"Number one: bra. "Number two: horny. Number three: family jewels." - Hi, Grandpa ! - Bart, what brings you here ?

Anybody I know. Chief, my daughter's up there. You're a father, too! Yeah. But I'm a cop first, then a boat enthusiast, amateur historian, yo-yo dieter, then I'm a cop again... LISA: Help! Help! So much sulfur dioxide!

Fifty-six boxes of bottles of beer on the wall Fifty-six boxes of bottles of beer You take one down and pass it around Fifty-five boxes of bottles of beer on the wall

Well, he's erratic. He tends to explode in the 7-8-9 frames. Actually, that was Pontiac, Michigan.

Oh night Divine Hey, my voice just changed. Oh night When Christ was born Dagnabbit! Mr. Simpson, I'm afraid you've just had a mild heart attack.

Nelson Muntz. I want you to keep filling your shirt with crud till I get back. Y-Yes, sir.

That is some outfit, Scoey. It makes you look like a homosexual. Oh. Maybe you all are homosexuals too. This is horrible. The Fox network has sunk to a new low. Lisa, you got a letter.

Why, oh, why Delilah It's 11 K-BBL degrees below zero. I hope you're someplace warm. You bet your sweet... ass!

Oh! It just ain't the same without Homer. He knew how to drive a car.

Homer, are you awake? This is important. Give me some sign you're awake. Wake up! What? What's wrong? House run away? Dog's on fire? Homie, do you think that the romance has gone out of our lives? Wake up!

And besides, if it's secret, it's even more exciting. I guess. Hey, you want to go skateboarding? Um, actually, I was hoping I could sit down for just a second. Come on! It'll be fun!

Son, that's wonderful. Come here. Come up here. What made you yell out that remark? I don't know. You just wanted to express yourself, yes? I do what I feel like. That's marvelous. I-i couldn't have put it better myself.

Even if you never become a great sorcerer, you're still an okay brother. Thanks, Lise. Now let's try to forget this nightmare. ...blarney. Shh!

Take that, Mom! Take that, Dad! Send me to a psychiatrist, will you? Take that, Dr. Sally Waxler!

Good evening. I've been asked to tell you... that the following show is very scary, with stuff that might give your kids nightmares. You see, there are some crybabies out there-- religious types mostly-- who might be offended.

Hey! We got Skinner's underpants! And there's nothing you can do about it, Mr. Ex-principal. That's not true. I can buy a new pair. No, I can't. I needed those. I really did.

Oh, whacking day oh, whacking day our hallowed snake skull cracking day

Oh! I'm bad at this. I'm going to enjoy devouring you, Bart Simpson. Yes. I believe I'll start, as you've so often suggested, by eating your shorts.

What the hell is this? It's a Kisses-Make-Me- Boogie-o'-Lantern. Kiss it and make it boogie. Kiss it. Uh, maybe later.

Excellent, sir. Lobster stuffed with tacos.

What really matters is my title. I think I'll make myself... vice president. No, wait. Junior vice president.

The old gray mare She ain't what she used to be ain't what she used to be

(MUSIC PLAYING ON TV) ANNOUNCER: Tonight on Celebrity Chop Shop, we sell the parts off Jason Bateman's Bentley. What did you do to my car? Dude, you've been chop shopped! Why would you do that? How am I gonna get home? Chop shop! Chop shop! (ZAPPING)

One, two-- Hey. What's the big idea? Oh, I admit it. It's only two alarm. Two and a half tops. I just wanted to be a big man in front of the kids. Daddy, are you going to jail?

You stink, Strawberry! We want Home-Run Homer! Darryl. Darryl. Darryl. Darryl. - Darryl. - Darryl. Children, that's not very nice. Mom, they're professional athletes. They're used to this. It rolls right off their backs.

Oh, no ! See ? You're a pig. Barney's a pig. Larry's a pig. We're all pigs. Except for one difference. Once in a while, we can crawl out of the slop, hose ourselves off and act like human beings. Homer, buy your wife some flowers and take her out for a night on the town.

Cuff 'im, boys. We're putting this dirtbag away. I'll be back on the street in 24 hours. We'll try to make it 12.

I saw weird stuff in that place last night. Weird, strange, sick, twisted, eerie, godless, evil stuff. And I want in. We don't, uh, know what you're talking about, Homer. And you can't join the Stonecutters because it's too exclusive. Oh, well. That was a real nice secret organization we had once.

I'm pretty sure I can struggle my way out. First, I'll just reach in and pull my legs out. Now I'll pull my arms out with my face. Mm. - Dad! - Homie!

try my red-robin suit it Comes one breast or two see my vest see my vest see my vest like my loafers former gophers it was that or skin my chauffeurs

Why, you little... (GRUNTS) (GAGS) To have a libido... Dad, look who's in there. (GASPS) Flanders?

He's going to grow up straight for once! What? You never went hunting before, and you're perfectly straight. Oh, yeah? How long since you've had a baby?

But I can't leave my car until the parking guy gets here. Oh! Why did I drink all that crab juice? Hmm! Don't even think about it, pal!

Uh, it's hard for us to leave when you're standing there, Mom. Push her down, Son.

Did we ever turn off that shower nozzle?

I think you'd better drop it. But the old axiom was misleading. Taking the candy proved exceedingly difficult. I said drop it!

Doesn't Homer work a standard 18-hour day? Eighteen hours? Nobody works that hard. Mm-mmm! Mm-mmm! But he does work every day, right? Well, pretty much, except weekends. Week-ends?

And the winner, Moe Szyslak! Oh, that's great. Thank you. Thanks a lot. Uh, I just want to say that it was an honor for me... to compete with the mick and the, uh, chick with the rack there. Yeah, all right, Moe! That's my Moo!

You're also fat. I'm also fat!

Sounds like the doomsday whistle. Ain't been blown for nigh onto three years.

You know, I'm here today as Luke Skywalker, but I'm also here to talk about Sprint. As you can see, you stand to save up to 17 cents a month over the more dependable providers. Aw, talk about Star Wars. You stupid nerds! He's trying to save you money on long distance.

Whoa, look at this place. What a dump ! It's worse than you think. I just trampled this poor sap's flower bed. - Homer, this is our house. - Aaah ! - Are you coming in, Homer ? - No, no. I wanna be alone with my thought.

Smithers, I'm afraid I won't be able to play tonight. My old gimpy knee has gone akimbo again. Take that! Ooh! Smithers, that precision assault popped it back into place. Thank you, masked stranger! D'oh! He's gonna ruin everything! All right. That's it, Homer.

Well, actually, it's not as bad as stealing, but my conscience is bothering me. Your conscience? Lisa, don't let that pushy little weenie tell you what to do. Homer, that's a terrible thing to say. - Oh, shut up. - Yes, sir.

That's right. Top of the line. Stupid pothole. Don't worry, head. The computer will do our thinking now.

Please don't kick me out. This society is everything to me.

The spirit of Cesar Chavez. Why do you look like Cesar Romero? Because you don't know what Cesar Chavez looks like. Why are you here? To tell you not to give up. Oh, but I wanna. He's talking to himself, sir. And his smell is distracting the center fielder. Yeah. This is getting sad. Let's bring him in.

Now while I wasn't able to cut everyone I wanted to, I have cut a lot of you. Wendell is cut. Rudy is cut. Janie, you're gone. Steven, I like your hustle. That's why it was so hard to cut you. Congratulations! The rest of you made the team.

What will be, will be You could see it from space, Marge. This isn't a problem for you, is it? Oh, no. No, no. Why would it be? (LAUGHS NERVOUSLY) I love you, I love gay marriage, so I'd be a super-hypocrite if I didn't love your gay marriage, right?

He should at least have the good taste to mince around... and let everyone know that he's... that way. What on earth are you talking about? You know me, Marge. I like my beer cold, my TV loud... and my homosexuals flaming!

Good luck in your trumped-up lawsuit, Dad. Thanks. That means a lot to me. All right, you guys. I want you in bed before jimbo gets here. What do you like about him? He's just a good-lookin' rebel who plays by his own rules.

Hey, isn't that Homer on the japanese Channel? If that's Homer, then who the hell's been puttin' beers on his tab? D'oh. Whoo-hoo. Uh-- That boy ain't right.

Agent Wesson, Department of Labor. This man's an illegal alien. That's preposterous. Zutroy here is as American as apple pie. Mr. Burns. This plant violates every labor law in the book.

Oh, yeah! It's breathtaking. Look. There's the Imperial Gardens. The Meiji Shrine. The Hello Kitty factory.

Lisa, where's Christmas? Bart, what were you doing outside? I don't know how to tell you this, but...

How's the ice cream, kids?

I am King Talkie Tiki!

Scully, you're cut.

Push out the jive. Bring in the love.

Krustelah, there's an old friend backstage... who wants to say hello. Huh? What? I can't believe it! They've been feuding for years. Come here, you. - Oh, you old clown, you. - I missed you. This guy is a national treasure.

Then we put your name on the script and sent it in. Didn't you wonder why you were getting checks for doing absolutely nothing? I figured 'cause the democrats were in power again. Grampa, we could write the scripts for you and split the money three ways. I don't know. I'd better sleep on it.

How many of you hail from the fair city of Edinburgh? So, have you noticed... how North Edinburgh golfers putt like this, and South Edinburgh golfers putt like this? Eh? Eh?

Luke Skywalker himself, Mark Hamill!

Herpes, herpes bo-berpes Banana-fana, fo-ferpes Herpes, oh Hey, that spot on Gorbachev's head--

I can't. He just won't budge. I've tried everything. Nothing can reach him. Mmm. Chocolate. Chocolate. Chocolate.

Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God! I'm sorry! I'm so sorry! Sorry doesn't put thumbs on the hand, Marge! Well, calm down. If we hurry, they can reattach your thumb. Reattach a thumb? This isn't Gattaca! We've just gotta get your thumb to the--

I must say Mr. Burns is being awfully inconsiderate. Selfish, even. Burns needs some serious "boosta-fazoo," right, Dad? Dad? Homer!

I gave my love A chicken it had no bone Mmm, chicken. So then, "mono" means "one," and "rail" means "rail."

Whoa, slow down, Frenchy.

I can't wait till they throw his hatless butt in jail. Honey, you really shouldn't eat so much in bed. It's not good for your heart. My heart is just f-- Homie, what is it? just workin' the turkey through.

Ahem. I don't want any part of this project. It's unconscionably fiendish. I will not suffer your insubordination. There's been a shocking decline in the quality and quantity of your toadying, Waylon, and you will fall into line now! No. No, Monty, I won't. Not until you step back from the brink of insanity.

Bart, not another word out of you, or I'll subject you to the humiliation... of making you sing in front of the class. Can I pick the song ? No. The song will be "john Henry Was a Steel Drivin' Man." Oh, no. We're gonna make you sing, Bart Simpson. Yeah, Bart Simpson, we're gonna make you sing.

You killed him. He was my world. ALL: (CHANTING) Blood for cream. Blood for cream.

Ay, ay, es Homer Simpson. Me ha molestado. ¡Oh! Oh. I like it better when they're making fun of people who aren't me. I know. Evening at the improv. They never talk about anything beyond the 1980s.

Bart, you've got to go on. Slag off. You've changed, man. It used to be about the music. I said slag off!

Hey, hey. Officers, you have arrested an innocent man. Really? Oh, geez. All right, Colossus, you're free to go. But stay away from Death Mountain. But all my stuff is there. I was referring to Waylon Smithers.

Now, you each have a knob in front of you. When you like what you see, turn the knob to the right. When you don't like what you see, turn it left. My knob tastes funny.

No offense, Apu, but when they were handing out religions, you must've been out taking a whiz.

Sure, Bart's responsible for our deaths. But he gave us the most fun we had in 20 years. So before we go to our watery graves, I say that we--

Thank you. Get out. Next. Uh, Ralphie, get off the stage, sweetheart. Behold-- The power plant of the future...

Uh, Homer, there's a hidden message to this song... that you may have missed. Really listen. Bunk with me tonight Uh-huh. Bunk with me Tonight Right.

When a man loves his country Like Krusty loves America Krusty the Clown-- "The Man From Funny." I've brought laughter to your homes... three days a week, 18 weeks a year, for 12 of the past 25 years.

Where am I gonna get 50 bucks ? Pizza !

We may remember-- Woman? Huh. Okay. We may remember Troy from such films... as The Verdict Was Mail Fraud and Leper in the Backfield.

Hey, look. Sergeant Dork! Ha-ha! Enjoy your test. Ha-ha-- Aw.

(IMITATES GUN FIRING) That's not a toy, son. It's a barcode reader. It registers wedding gifts. Bull-honky. No. Not bull-honky. A couple uses the gun to select gifts they want for their wedding. BART: Wow. If you'll excuse me, I'm going to the employee lounge to finish my Shasta.

How dare you show my daughter a life of fun and possibility? Hey! Keep your dishwashing hands off the Armani. For your information, our electric dishwasher is on the fritz. Not that you care about the ups and downs of my appliances.

You look terrible. I don't care. I'm going to Duff Gardens.

Can you, uh, edit out the laughs?

Hey, hey, Mr. Burns! Enough already with the germs. Ptooh, their flower power-- it's no match for my glower power. Well, that's some nice glowering, Mr. "B."

You want the truth? You can't handle the truth! No truth-handler, you! Bah! I deride your truth-handling abilities!

Don't panic. just come up with a good story. My name is Mr. Burns. D'oh! We need a cure! We need a cure!

Their relationship was frosty at best.

How often do you brush, Ralph? Three times a day, sir. Why must you turn my office into a house of lies? You're right! I don't brush! I don't brush.

At least I'll leave a beautiful corpse.

You, sir, are a perfect patsy. Let me shake your hand. To the gag, I will give a D-plus. As for the workmanship on the hand, it-- Oh. That's not right!

Stan Lee insulted me. But in Bizarro World that means he likes me.

Bart, you want some brownie before you go to bed?

Spring break! Yeah!

Well, now, I don't know. Skinner, do you know anything about being a principal? Well, it's been my lifelong ambition. And if a man pretending to be me could do it, well, then, logically, the real me must be far more qualified. Good enough.

Marge, it'll cost $8,500. We only have 500 in the bank, and that leaves... eighty-hundred we need. I could get a job.

All right, gentlemen, I'll take your case. But I'm going to have to ask for a thousand-dollar retainer. A thousand dollars? But your ad says, "No money down." Oh, they got this all screwed up.

Yo, boy, this class is tight. You go from "sloppa" to "proppa." Cool. Welcome to my etiquette class: The Proper Young Man. But the black man said-- Are you accusing my husband of misleading you? Good gracious! I should bust a cap in your ass!

Say your prayers, Simpson. Because the schools can't force you like they should.

Turn it down! We don't want to wake up Mom and Dad!

It's a spearhead! That's your trowel blade, Ralph. It fell off the handle. And I found it! Okay, everyone, back to work! You never know when we might uncover a Tyrannosaurus.

And by the way, that story I filed from Baghdad was all made up. I was actually in Basra. (GROANING) Everyone chickened out. Except Ralph. He got poached by the Chicago Tribune. I guess we're down to just me.

(YELLING) You'll fry up nice tonight!

Could you rephrase that as an ethical question? Um... is it right to buy a Chrysler? Yes-- for great is the car with power steering and Dyna-Flo suspension. Papa? When I grow up, can I be a clown? No! A clown is not respected.

Do the hustle do the hustle Did you know that disco record sales... were up 400% for the year ending 1976? If these trends continue-- 'EY! Uh, your fish are dead.

People, please! We're all frightened and horny. But we can't let some killer dolphins keep us from living and scoring!

They won't even let her park cars! Please, children. Don't be cruel. Nelson might be poor but I'm sure he has the seven dollars for today's field trip. Um... Well, actually... (BRAKES SQUEAL) (CHILDREN LAUGHING) (SOBBING) Someday...

Okay. I'll run as fast as I can, but I'm full of potato salad. (GROANS) I'm sorry, folks. You're not allowed to go up there. In fact, I don't even know why I'm here. This lava is not a criminal. It hasn't hurt anybody... (SCREAMING)

Ladies and gentlemen, it's Up Late With McBain. i'm your announcer, obergruppenfuehrer Wolfcastle. And here's McBain! Ja. Thank you. Ja. That's nice.

Ah, Del Monte. Enjoy them, old man. They will be your last.

And with my patented seminar, you will learn how to corner the real estate market through hypnosis. Why waste your hypnotic powers on neighbors and coworkers? I can't take this anymore.

If her father catches us, he'll kill her.

Thanks for your help with the anchor, guys. Guys? That pig looks like Lenny. Hey! Mmm! That's the next best thing to eating Lenny.

Ugh, soccer. Seen it. Hey, Simpson ! Hey, how'd you get in here ? Eh, your door wasn't locked in any serious way. I wonder if you'd be interested in this car stereo ? A $500 value, but I'll let you have it for 40 bucks. Get out of my house ! I don't wanna associate with criminals !

Hello! Itchy and Scratchy Land, open for business. Who are you to resist it, huh? Come on. My last paycheck bounced. My children need wine.

Fort Springfield, we surrender unconditionally. We're sick. We need leeches... and hacksaws to saw off our gangrenous limbs. But the Springfield Brigade was too brave to accept the surrender. Come on, boys. Those white flags are no match for our muskets. - Charge! - And the Springfielders...

I know, kids. I'm scared too.

In the business we call it "retirony." What if you don't get shot? What a terrible thing to say. Now, look. You made my wife cry.

Hididilly-ho, neighbor! Get lost, Flanders.

I got an R.V. we can use-- Flanders's! Let's do it! Well, okay. But just go a little bit easy on it.

I'm worried Homer might do the same thing. What would make a husband lose interest like that? What I do now I do as your dearest friend. Look at this flab! Look at it! - Oh, my God! Is that me? - Most assuredly, yes.

I guess I'll have no trouble gettin' to sleep tonight.

Wow, George Washington! Take that, Washington! Eat lead, Einstein. - Oy! - Show's over, Shakespeare! Is this the end of zombie Shakespeare?

but I will not stand idly by and watch you feed a hungry dog! Go to your room! No! This family stinks! Mr. Burns nurtures my destructive side. I'm suffocating here. Bart, you listen! Oh, go eat some flowers! My secret shame.

Ow, ow, ow. Seymour, I was thinking of promoting you to assistant superintendent. But, instead, that plum goes to Holloway. No. But, sir, he's a drunk. And a pill-Popper. If I could just-- Silence! And why is a cafeteria worker posing as a nurse?

Lisa, are you doing math? Uh, just a few Venn diagrams.

Ahh! WEll, I'm rappin' A.B. And I'm here to say if you wanna drink beeR duff's the only way I said the only way breakdown This is a disgrace. Settle down.

Lisa and I built your room. But I don't like this clown. Uh, I wouldn't take it down if I were you. It's a load-bearing poster.

Now, why are we doomed to this Quimby quagmire, you ask, O Reasonable Listener? Because this town is under the stranglehold of... a few tie-dyed tree huggers who would rather play hacky sack than lock up the homeless.