comb.io - Clips

Oh, come on, Homer. There's lasers. You like lasers. Laser effects, mirrored balls---

Smithers, where's that union representative? He's 20 minutes late. Uh, I don't know, sir. He hasn't been seen since he promised to clean up the union. Whoa! What the hell?

My sash says "Ultraman." I think weve seen enough.

Did you really think you could fool it? No, sir. I'm really sorry, sir. An older boy told me to do it. You're looking at five years, minimum. No, sir. Please, I can't go to prison. They pee in a cup and throw it on you! I saw it in a movie. You won't be seeing any prison movies where you're going-- prison!

Oh, Mr. Pigeon, I'd kiss you if you weren't swimming with disease.

Whoa! Look at those mogambos! Hey, that's it! Mogambo! I came out ofthe elepharts mouth, right? Cause I already showered once today.

I feel like celebrating. I-- Oh, it's you. What are you so happy about? I see. Well, I think you'd better drop it. I said drop it! Get your hands off--

F-- Dear Lord! That's the loudest profanity I've ever heard. These fumes aren't as fun as beer. Sure, I'm all dizzy and nauseous, but where's the inflated sense of self-esteem?

I am Ganesh, your god. Oh, I am truly screwed. I order you to get back together-- or I'll suck your blood! - Bleh! Bleh! - Bart, stick to the script. Don't be a jerk. You're the jerk. You're the jerk!

Would you people get a life! Not an option.

f Man f J Jellyfish J J i held you close J J And told you iiove youJ J But then the ocean took you backJ J And now i fast hold goo J

Let's walk and talk. I have some wonderful stories about other famous people that include me in some way. - Uh, can't. I gotta go distract bulls at a rodeo. - Hey, me too! We can go together. Uh... no, I'm going a different way than you, Dick. Your churlish attitude reminds me of a time I was having dinner with Groucho-- Look, you're gonna be having dinner with Groucho tonight if you don't beat it!

They're probably watching us right now. That's ridiculous! Nobody is watching us right now.

Oh, my demo tape! "Can I Borrow a Feeling?" "Can I Borrow a Feeling?" It's your picture on the front. - Go ahead, Homer. Laugh at me. - I already did.

"Gym"? What's a "gym"? Oh. A "gym."

I thought McBain was a nonstop roller coaster... of chills, thrills, spills and kills. And that chase at the end, my friend ? Mwah ! Are you nuts ? That movie stinks like your creepy one-bedroom apartment. Your mother didn't think it was so creepy. "My mother." Real mature. I'm sick of your grade-school humor.

Well, I think I know tomorrow's headline:

Tonight, we'll visit Springfield's answer to the Benedictine monks-- The Rappin' Rabbis. Don't eat pork not even with a fork Can't touch this! Marge, are we jewish? No, Homer.

Look at their proud, hopeful faces. Wait till they see that their rare Chinese panda... is nothing but a fat guy in a suit. Why do I have to do the Lindy Hop? Oh, that's the heart of the bit.

Oh, I've got the exact same curtains, only in my bathroom. Didn't you just die when you found these? Not really. They just had corn on them. Kitchen, corn. Oh!

It should be soft and cuddly. Yeah. With lots of firepower. Its eyes should be telescopes.

A solar eclipse. The cosmic ballet goes on. Does anyone want to switch seats?

If you ever get into trouble, all you need to do is-- Feels like I'm wearin' nothin' at all. Nothin' at all. Nothin' at all. Stupid sexy Flanders! Ow, my legs!

Yup, there's your problem.

Lisa? Yes? Help me into Ralph's costume. Showtime, children. Let's go. Okay, curtain puller. This is your moment to shine. Oh, it's too important. I'll do it for you.

Buy my cereal. Buy my cereal. I didn't do it ! Oh, I wish I could believe you.

I'm an orphan from Capitol City, and those who recall my fight... to outlaw teenage rudeness may be shocked to learn... that I, myself, was once a street punk. Yeah. The way I was headed, it was just a matter of time... before i wound up in front of a judge.

And it makes a king Feel like some nutty cuckoo, super king Look ! It's Tony Bennett ! Hey, good to see you !

Slim, if we've got the bag with the stolen diamonds, then what happened to the bag with our stash? There's more than one way to get high, baby.

Bart! Bart! What are you doing? We've got to get out of here! Target sighted! Launching air-to-nerd missile! Ow! Come on! Mom and Dad are waiting!

But then I think about Marge and the kids. Well, not the boy. He drives me nuts. Sometimes I'd just like to-- Homer, you know how I feel, so it's up to you. Look in your heart. I think you'll see what you want.

Do the bartman, yeah That is so 1991. Young man, the school dress code... specifically forbids the wearing of earrings... unless you're of Gypsy extraction. Well, I'm a Gypsy. Oh, really? Prove it.

So, 120 pins later, I am the better man.

You’re my friend.

We thespians believe it's bad luck to mention the name of this particular play out loud. You mean Macbeth? Quiet, you blundering fool! You'll curse us all! What? By saying Macbeth? Stop saying it! Saying what? Macbeth!

We're finally gonna stop those corporate pigs from dumping that nuclear waste. Oh, no! Our boat is sinking. It was I, you fools! The man you trusted isn't Wavy Gravy at all. And all this time, I've been smoking harmless tobacco.

I know I really shouldn't, but when am I gonna be here again? Whee!

I don't feel right.

So you really didn't do it? Marge, look in my eyes. I swear to you I did not do it. I believe you, Jack.

- Whoo! - But for now,

of terror by Edgar Allan Poe.

Well, if I was governor, I'd sure find better things to do with my time. Like what ? Like getting Washington's birthday... and Lincoln's birthday back As separate paid holidays. Presidents' Day. What a ripoff. I bust my butt day in and day out-- You're late for work, Homer. So ? Somebody'll punch in for me. Try not to spill anything, Dad.

Now, how are we going to get my Homie back?

While you're enjoying our Hall of Wonders, your car will, unfortunately, be subject to repeated break-ins-- What'd he say? What about my car?

While I was gone, I got some really good advice from Paul and Linda McCartney. Rock stars. Is there anything they don't know? I still stand by my beliefs. But I can't defend what I did. I'm sorry I messed up your barbecue. I understand, honey. I used to believe in things when I was a kid.

Thanks, Mayor Simpson. Because of you, we're all takin' golden showers! What? We can't go on fighting with Olde Springfield!

The answer is no.

I won't need this anymore. Marge, someone broke the toilet.

Sorry, Homer. I was born a snake handler, and I'll die a snake handler. Neighbor, I heard about your heresy, and we've made it our mission to win you back to the flock. No sale. Homer, Christian life isn't all praying and sacrifice. Hey, dig this.

Now my good man, what do you like to play? Pokémon! Pokémon? Pokémon? With the pokey and the man... and the-- That is the darnedest thing.

Hello. I'm actor Troy McClure. You kids might remember me from such educational films as Lead Paint: Delicious But Deadly and Here Comes The Metric System.

Wow, former president james Taylor.

"Pressure too high"? Oh! "Tank must be shut down manually"? Aw! Stupid bird! I never should have put you in charge! Why, you-- Oh, who am I kidding? It's all my fault. I gotta call the plant and warn 'em.

And you like snakes, don't you, Barry White? I love the sexy slither of a lady snake. Oh, baby. Hooray for snakes! Hooray for snakes!

Because I like you, I'll even do it pro boner.

Hey, there's writing on the back ofthis. "Dear Homer, I cant believe... you’re making this the worst night of my life”? Huh? f Thinking f You /ea ve me sitting here a” alone. .. while you P/a. y video games with your Neanderthal friends. Marge, come here.

You won't be needing this.

What's that name again? I forgot.

Happy birthday, Burnsie Happy birthday to you Go to hell, you old bastard. Hey, I think they liked us. Have the Rolling Stones killed. Oh, sir, those aren't-- Do as I say!

Well, that hideous creep doesn't scare me. Mom, Dad, help! He's trying to kill me!

Bye-bye! Thank God they're gone. I can't believe I went five minutes without one of these dream sticks.

"I love you"-- Cactus? Blobbie? Upsilon?

Oh, please. All this fuss for little old me. Please welcome the owner of Fortune Megastores, Arthur Fortune. What? a billion-dollar baby Hello, Springfield! Hello, Arthur!

Oh, my little Homie Bear. Time for bed. Sing me my bedtime song, Mom.

I "eated" the purple berries. Ow.

We're all gonna be rich! We broke even! Mmm, that's good satire!

Hey, whatsa matter, you? You crazy kid, you chasing away my business. Buzz off, Guiseppe. Pepe, go for the face!

(WHINING) Fine. I'll help you with your stupid flashcards. (CHUCKLING) Aren't you smart? Let's try another one. A little harder this time. Hmm?

Things couldn't be more shipshape. Where's my radiation suit? How the hell should I know? People are calling this a meltdown. That's one of those annoying buzz words. We prefer to call it an "unrequested fission surplus."

As long as I have my earning power, this family's got nothing to worry about. Ow! Oh! Call work and tell 'em I won't be in tomorrow.

May I help you ? We're just browsing. Thank you.

I am a robot. Do what I say. I am a washing machine. Do what I say. Take that! In the face!

And now, let's give a big Fort Springfield welcome... to Mr. Bob Hope! What's the mayor's name? Quimby. Beautiful. Hello, this is Bob "What the hell am I doing in Springfield" Hope. Hey, how about that Mayor Quimby?

Who are you, and why are you ruining my retirement party?

Well, as you can see, when the burglar trips the alarm, the house raises from its foundations... and runs down the street and around the corner to safety. Well, the real humans won't, uh, burn quite so fast in there. Aye!

Well, I'll always have my crank calls. Hello? Old lady from Titanic? You stink!

Look at me! I'm acting young! Hey. This ain't so bad.

not to your mother, not Rex Banner, not anyone! Rex Banner. What a dope! Yeah. Look at him try to aim that stupid gun.

Can't you just use this recent photo? Uhh. Eh, all right. Here you go. Whoo-hoo! Who's laughing now? Eh, shut up.

There's nothing to eat for breakfast! You gotta improvise, Lisa. Cloves, Tom Collins mix, frozen pie crust-- Mmm! Maybe Mom just doesn't realize we miss her. We could go down to the casino and let her know. Aw, come on, Lisa. There's no reason to-- Let's go see Mom.

His father spoke out on his behalf. My Homer is not a Communist. He may be a liar, a pig, an idiot, a Communist-- But he is not a porn star!

Oh! I ain't fer it. I'm agin it! Main Street! Main Street! Main Street! All those in favor of Grampa Simpson's plan... for rebuilding Main Street, please-- You know, a town with money's a little like the mule with a spinning wheel. No one knows how he got it, and danged if he knows how to use it.

Thanks, Bart. That makes it all worthwhile. - Is that your wallet? - D'oh!

Hey! A freak show! Oww! Thank you. Thank you very much.

Please don't make me retire. My job is the only thing that keeps me alive. I never married, and my dog is dead. I'm not finished. Oh, yes, you are. Yaah!

We're all going to die!

Look, Junior, I expect this to be fixed with quality GM parts. But your car was built in Croatia. ts made from old Soviet tanks. Just fix it, Mr. Sass-wrench. Homer, please, the last thing you need is more enemies. Right, right. I'm counting the pennies in the ashtray.

Hey, Coast Guard! Try and stop us now, you lousy Americans. We can't hear you! Come 300 feet closer! Nice try. You're not gonna nail us. But we just want to party. Oh, really? Then play some rock music.

Homer. Use the for-- The Force? - The forks. Use the forks. - Oh.

I am sick of you drunks and your shaggy-dog stories. Sorry, Shaggy. Now I gotta go home to that! Thanks a lot!

Look at them, smug and secure in their finery, mocking us. They're just snowmen, Mr. Burns. Ah, snowmen have peepers. Peepers to watch-- to watch for a moment of weakness. And then, baf, comes the knock on the head, and we're down! - What do we do? - Oh, wouldn't you like to know?

Shh! Don't shush me, you rich bastard!

Oh. Hmm. Oh, honey. Don't eat that. Wouldn't you rather have your sugar bag? No, I don't deserve sugar.

You'll be my friend. I'm never, never gonna let you get away.

It's too hot today. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! I bought this popcorn fair and square. Sorry. The bank is--

(GRUNTS) Lisa, what are you doing in there? Praying to Buddha, Jesus, SpongeBob. There's no time to be picky. Perhaps we should help. Screw her! (LAUGHS)

Perfect. Okay, guys. We push him out of the way in exactly three seconds. Should we correct for wind resistance? Hmm, possibly. What do you think? Oh, my.

Right! Let's bash a noggin!

Well, I won't sleep in the same bed with a woman who thinks I'm lazy. I'm gonna go right downstairs, unfold the couch, unroll the sleeping ba-- Eh, good night.

I'm riding a unicycle with my pants down. This should be every boy's dream. Ha-ha! Your dad's not handy. Son, are you okay? I brought a homemade first aid kit! It's spring-loaded for quick access. (SCREAMING)

Look out, you horse's arse!

Okay, Ron, which one of our girls said the following about you: "He looked so sexy, I hoped we would have sex"? Well, that's a tough one, 'cause I did the deed with Uta, Candy and Shasta. It's true, all right! But I'm gonna have to go with Shasta,

I won't turn to the comics. I won't turn to the comics. All right. I'll read one comic just to get me rollin'. Archie. "Hey, jughead, did you hear? The Supreme Court reversed"-- Mom, am I dumb? Honey, I'd love to reassure you,

Fiddle-dee-dee. That will require a tetanus shot. I'm not going to swear but I am going to kick this doghouse down! Dad, this is not a commentary on your skills but we bought you a new doghouse. With what money?

And the next marksman is William Tell, jr.! Jinx! Bart! Oh, I see Bart gets to have a gun. You lied to me! You promised to get rid of this gun. I put it in a safe place, Marge.

Well, good night, Son. Um, Dad? Yeah? What is the mind? Is it just a system of impulses,

He seems okay, but he is being burned internally. Hey, isn't that Homer on the japanese Channel?

So television's responsible. Hey, we were watching that ! Mom, what are you doing ? Well, you won't be watching these cartoons anymore, ever ! But, Mom, if you take our cartoons away, we'll grow up without a sense of humor and be robots ! Really ? What kind of robots ?

Am I really? Aha! Hello. All right, pal, where'd you get the sugar for that tea? I nicked it when you let your guard down for that split second. And I'd do it again. Good-bye.

Good evening. I've been asked to tell you... that the following show is very scary, with stuff that might give your kids nightmares.

Well, if it'll make you feel any better, Krusty, you can punch me in the face.

Hi there. My name's Lisa. What's yours?

Don't worry. It's just a name. He said it was just a name!

Three. Wrong, lady! Oh, wait. The baby.

America, take a good look at your beloved candidates. They're nothing but hideous space reptiles. It's true. We are aliens, but what are you going to do about it?

Bravissimo, Luigi. Bring us your finest bottle of vino.

I get two paychecks this way. D'oh.

Eat crowd, old man! ; Hey, hey, good-bye;

We've gotta warn Grampa! Hmm. Phone's off the hook. Everything must be okay. Aw, I'm gonna give your liver such a punchin'!

You ate three desserts tonight. Forbearance is the watchword. That triumvirate of twinkies overwhelmed my resolve. There's another thing I want to talk about. Tut, tut, gentle Marge.

Whoa, careful now. These are dangerous streets for us upper-lower- middle-class types, so avoid eye contact, watch your pocketbook, and suspect everyone. Three-card monte. Whoo-hoo! Easy money!

Oh, man! Oh! Don't worry, kids. This is a national park. We can have lots of fun. I'm afraid that's no longer true, ma'am. Budget cutbacks have forced us to eliminate anything the least bit entertaining. Well, uh, see ya.

Thanks for your help with the anchor, guys. Guys? That pig looks like Lenny. Hey! Mmm! That's the next best thing to eating Lenny.

One night only. Plus, the amazing, the astounding, the unbelievable Truckasaurus ! Twenty tons and four stories of car-crunching, fire-breathing... prehistoric insanity ! Whoa ! One night only. One night only. One night only at the Springfield Speedway this Saturday. If you miss this, you'd better be dead or in jail.

Homer. Welcome to my home, brother. Holy moly ! The bastard's rich !

Dear Artie. Dear Hottie. Congratulations on your recent TV appearance. I wanna sex you up. Your love slave, Marge. You can't use the word "sex" on the Internet. Watch me.

Hello! Itchy and Scratchy Land, open for business. Who are you to resist it, huh? Come on. My last paycheck bounced. My children need wine. The Itchy and Scratchy Show

How was it? It wasn't that great. Be honest. It was the greatest movie I've ever seen in my life!

Hey, Moe! Hey, you can't come in here dressed like that!

You know, you look a little flushed. Maybe you should eat more vegetables and less people. Uh-huh.

Makes me sick in a wonderful, wonderful way. john. Waylon. I'd like you to meet the Simpsons. I know the Simpsons. So this is your sick mother? Don't do this to me, Waylon.

Doh ! Mr. Simpson, was that you taking that cowardly dive... into that display of heavily-salted snack treats ? - Yes, sir. - Do you recognize the gunman in this courtroom today ? Yes, I do. Fine. Would you point him out to us ? Okay.

Good for her. La, la, la, la, la, la, la Marge, keep it down in there! Homer, my audition is in half--

I love this show. Well, well. Look who's come to apologize.

since the Middle Ages had no compact disks or Super Mario men,

Whoa. Whoa. Hey, whoa. Let's not say things we can't take back. All right, all right. I'm sorry. But this film is never going to see the light of day. Look. They're towing away a Range Rover. There's no-- Yoink! Come on, Homer. We got a movie to premiere. Whoo-hoo!

But they're out there every day protecting us from Godzilla. And don't forget pirates. And jellyfish. Those whack invertebrates will sting you, old school! So check out the navy for a two- or a four-year hitch. We signed J.C. up yesterday. What? No-o-o!

Flanders, you saved me. Why? Heck, you'd have done the same for me. Help! Help! That's right, old friend.

I'll get even with you. Hordes of panicky people seem to be evacuating the town... for some unknown reason. Professor, without knowing precisely what the danger is, would you say it's time for our viewers to crack each other's heads open... and feast on the goo inside?

In this cell sits Homer Simpson, the most villainous blackguard to be held in this tower since Edward the Puppy Eater. (ALL EXCLAIMING IN HORROR) Look at his great staring eyes. Like saucers they are. (IN MOCK BRITISH ACCENT) He claimed he was me father, he did. Bart, you're not helping.

Is it a crime to be illiterate ? All right, all right. See this, Krusty ? This is a B. And this is Exhibit B. Betting slips-- obtained by this court indicating you have lost... substantial sums of money on sports gambling. Is it a crime to bet on sporting events ? Yes, it is ! Oh.

"Beer goggles. See the world through the eyes of a drunk!" Wow! You're charming the pants off of me. What did you say, Aunt Selma? I said take off those damn glasses!

There's a $10,000 bill in it for you. Oh, yeah? Which president's on it? Uh, all of them. They're having a party. jimmy Carter's passed out on the couch. Wow! I'll be right there.

This party's just getting started!

D'oh! Stupid roller skate.

This is a perfect opportunity. We'll beat those Cavalry Kids by selling candy. I'm a brick. "We will crush you and smother your dreams. Yours in Christ, the Cavalry Kids."

That's a typo. Dad, can't you have some other kind of party? One where you don't serve meat? But all normal people love meat. If I went to a barbecue and there was no meat, I would say, "Yo, goober! Where's the meat?" I'm trying to impress people here, Lisa. You don't win friends with salad.

Hey, let's go over to the one-hour photo and breathe some fumes. Uh, excuse me, fellas. I-i-i couldn't help thinking... it might be nice if you could, uh, vamoose, you know-- if possible. Hello. Listen Lady.

Oh, that's unsexy. Ew! D'oh!

Come on, Bart! The Coast Guard's covering the "Doo"! A do-do-do-do-do A do-do-do-do-do A do-do-do-do-do A do-do Who's the greatest billionaire in the world? You are!

Oh, man. Plain cake doughnuts. Thanks for taking all the fancies, guys ! Why can't I ever get here on time ?

Here's a preview. God said to Noah build yourself an arky-arky Animals came on by onesies and twosies-twosies Elephants and kangaroosies-roosies

Okay. Wedgie! Whoa!

April Foo-- That sounded like an explosion at the old Simpson place. Forget it. That's two blocks away. Looks like there's beer coming out of the chimney. I am proceeding on foot. Call in a code eight. We need pretzels. Repeat-- pretzels.

My face is on fire!

Well, with all due respect, sir, I suppose you could come up with better fortune? Huh. Easy. Well? You will be aroused by a shampoo commercial. That's not bad. Come with me.

And I gave that man directions even though I didn't know the way, 'cause that's the kind of guy I am this week. Ah! Lousy Isotopes. They're a disgrace to baseball.

I'm not normally a praying man, but if you're up there, please save me, Superman.

with a number he calls "Kernel knowledge." I'm hot buttered check it and see I got A fever of 453 I'm hot so very hot Four? Oh, no!

Oh, dear. It would be a shame if that pretty dress got wet. I'd say the greater danger is her scepter acting as a lightning rod. Unless it's made out of plastic. Nope. Metal. Ladies and gentlemen, Little Miss Springfield has been struck by lightning.

I did it! I changed the world. Now I know exactly how God feels.

What's wrong, Homie? I went to the record store today and they were playing all this music I never heard of. It was like the store had gone crazy.

Mel Brooks is jewish?! Krusty, are you all right? Yes, it's just that saying the Brucha brings back a lot of painful memories. The old days... my... my father. Hey, Krusty, you going to finish that meat loaf, or what?

They're burned on the outside, but they're frozen on the inside, so it balances out. Yeah, good.

Oh, egads! My roast is ruined. But what if... I were to purchase fast food and disguise it as my own cooking? Delightfully devilish, Seymour.

And those beautiful women? They used to be men. The point is, ya gotta squeeze every penny. Come on, let me hear you.

- Meet me tomorrow for brunch. - What's brunch ? You'll love it. It's not quite breakfast, it's not quite lunch, but it comes with a slice of cantaloupe at the end. You don't get completely what you would at breakfast, but you get a good meal. - I don't think so. - Marge, darling,

It's dignity! Gah! Don't you even know dignity when you see it? - Kirk, you're spitting! - Okay, genius, why don't you draw dignity? Oh, that's dignity, all right! That's great! Worthy of Webster's.

Your husband suffers from a persecution complex extreme paranoia and bladder hostility. If you talk to him without mentioning Bart you'd see how sane he is. You mean there really is a Bart? Good Lord!

Halfback passes to the center. Back to the wing. Back to the center. Center holds it. Holds it. Holds it. Halfback passes to center! Back to wing! Back to center! Center holds it! Holds it! Holds it!

Don't you see what you've done? Sideshow Bob hasn't reformed. He's pure evil! Oh, if only you knew what he was thinking! I hope they still make that shampoo I like.

- Consider the charges dropped. - All right! Free nose jobs for everybody! Ay! You first. Give me a Van Heflin.

Sit down! Sit down! You're ruining it for everyone!

I'm not Krusty. To think I was gonna give you a ticket-- Krusty the Clown! I am not Krusty! Hey, Krusty, you remember that time we got loaded...

Are you having an affair? No! Have you kissed her? No! - Has she kissed you? - Couple of times. I want you to stop seeing her. I can't. I'm her manager. Her manager! That's ridiculous. I won't allow you to spend any more time away from your family. You're standing in the way of my boyhood dream... of managing a beautiful country singer!

Hit the road, Lefty. You too, Rizzo. Oh, Cinnamon, don't make this harder than it already is.

Oh, Mr. Burns. You were too beautiful for this world. Oh, man. Oh, man. We killed Mr. Burns! Mr. Burns is gonna be so mad!

What do you mean? You've clearly taken items from the candy rack and placed them... on top of the doughnut in an attempt to pass them off as sprinkles. Well, it was like that when I got here. It really was! A Mounds bar is not a sprinkle. A Twizzler is not a sprinkle. A jolly Rancher is not a sprinkle, sir. Perhaps in Shangri-la they are, but not here. Oh.

Wait a minute. Capital City has a mascot. The greatest mascot there is-- the Capital City Goofball.

It's a history lesson come to life! No, it isn't. It's totally inaccurate. Quiet! Here come the ninjas.

I set the toaster to three-- medium brown. Let's go to... that line. But that's the longest. Yes, but look-- all pathetic single men. Only cash, no chitchat. Mmm!

Oh, egads! My roast is ruined. But what if... I were to purchase fast food and disguise it as my own cooking? Delightfully devilish, Seymour. Ah--

Homer, do you want your son to become chief justice of the Supreme Court... or a sleazy male stripper? Can't he be both, like the late Earl Warren? Earl Warren wasn't a stripper.

Colonel Klink, why have you forsaken me? What is it? You have a question? Did you know Kinch had a radio in the coffee pot? He did? Mmm!

Hey, Dad, that light says "check engine." Uh-oh. Tape must've fallen off. There. Problem solved. Oh, come on!

And what better place to premiere their creation... than on The Tracy Ullman Show-- the nation's showcase for psychiatrist jokes... and musical comedy numbers. On April 19, 1987, America first met The Simpsons.

Well, this is a lovely gesture, but... we still have to face the fact that I'm not really Seymour Skinner. Oh, no, we don't. judge Snyder.

It tastes great, makes women appear more attractive, and makes a person virtually invulnerable to criticism. Won't somebody please think of the children? What kind of an example are we setting? Ladies, please. All our founding fathers, astronauts and World Series heroes... have been either drunk or on cocaine.

Ow! Oh! Ow! Dad, are you okay? Yeah. In fact, I feel fantastic! That trash can must've unkinked your back! Not trash can, Son-- Dr. Homer's Miracle Spine-O-Cylinder! Patent pending.

- Oh! - "Trojan. Ramses. Magnum. Sheik."

Just a cotton-pickin' minute. I've been getting A's since Gymboree.

Hey! We can get away in their pouches! Eew! It's not like in cartoons. Yeah. There's a lot more mucus.

Doctors. Doctors are idiots. There's no telling what kind of permanent injuries he might have. You might have to wait on him hand and foot... for the rest of his natural life. Oh, wow. That's the down side. Now, here's the good part. You can-- ching-ching-ching-- cash in on this tragedy. Wow ! Excuse me, Mr. Hutz. Are you a shyster ?

714 names? Better be more specific. Lazy. Clumsy. Dimwitted. Monstrously ugly.

It's free. And when is this weekend?

And if my banker's watching, let nothing stop you from payment of this check.

Uh, why don't you come over here... and make yourself more comfortable? No. Why don't you come over here and make yourself comfortable? I'm sorry. This whole concept's foreign to me. Who knew a baby would be so much work? Having a baby isn't supposed to be work.

Good-bye, Moe. Bye, Professor. Hey, don't you wanna take your shoes off before you go swimmin'? Professor? Oh. Oh. Um-- Hmm.

Hi. I'm Ashley Grant.

Here's your quote. "Thomas Pynchon loved this book "almost as much as he loves cameras." Hey, over here! Have your picture taken with a reclusive author. Today only, we'll throw in a free autograph. But wait! There's more!

Okay, once more, where are we going? To Capitol City. And why are you and the old lady in the car? We're gonna talk Armin Tamzarian into coming back. And why is Marge here? I came up with the idea. And why am I here? Because the streets of Capitol City... are no place for three unescorted ladies.

No way, man. But-- Son, if you don't come out, I can't hug you and kiss you and make you feel all better. You think I'm dumb enough to fall for that ? I'm insulted.

I'm asking you nicely to open the doors! Take it easy, Marge. How about if we dope you up real good? Let me off! Let me off! Let me off! Let me off! Let me off! Let me off! Let me off! Let me off! Let me off! Let me off! It's okay, Marge. We don't need to go on a trip.

Gotcha. Well, gotta go. Me too. Uh, it's hard for us to leave when you're standing there, Mom. Push her down, Son.

Okay, everybody. Grab on to something. All right. Here we go. Three, two, one. Make hatch blow now.

That's why I'm presenting this sworn affidavit... that Poochie will never, ever, ever return!

Two. One. Have you been up all night eating cheese? I think I'm blind. Wha-- Good day to you.

besides occasionally wearing the underwear,

Some of them act badly because they've had a hard life, Stampy! or have been mistreated. But, like people, some of them are just jerks. Stop that, Mr. Simpson.

Because he is the fat, selfish epitome of modern man! Hey, he stole my bit! - Now we shall probe you to see if you are worthy. - Yeah, word for word! Okay, let's see what we've got. It has to be on channel 3. Yes, yes.

So, you wanna go on tour with a traveling freak show. I don't think I have a choice, Marge. Of course you have a choice. How do you figure? You don't have to join a freak show just because the opportunity came along. You know, Marge, in some ways... you and I are very different people.

The kids love her, the house is spotless and my hair's grown back. It's so full and thick it can support a beach umbrella. Come to bed, Marge. Oh! Ooh-- No, no. Leave it in.

Mmm, maybe we should call it a night. Okay. I should get home to my daughter before that naked talk show comes on.

killing wild donkeys and Israel. Good old government.

(SQUEAKING) I'll dance for my money!

And with that, a mighty cheer went up from the heroes of Shelbyville. They'd banished the awful lemon tree forever because it was haunted. Now, let's all celebrate with a cool glass of turnip juice.

You see-- I like to walk down the avenue Bust a move with Disco Stu You shake me from my booty to my fro Yes, I strut down the boulevard Burning off my excess lard

You're a veterinarian? That's right. And for an extra $20, I'll give Homer a tick bath and then spay him. Here you go, Doc. Bart! Shop around. You can't beat that price. You guys must have been pretty worried about me? Hey, we know you're tough, Dad. Remember that time you got lost in the forest?

Ay, ay, ay, my gates. Ay! johnny C. gave me those.

One, two-- Hey. What's the big idea? Oh, I admit it. It's only two alarm. Two and a half tops. I just wanted to be a big man in front of the kids. Daddy, are you going to jail? We'll see, Son. We'll see.

We'll return for the remainder of the conclusion after these messages.

A gun is not a weapon, Marge! It's a tool, like a butcher knife or a harpoon... or, uh, an alligator. You just need more education on the subject. Tell you what. You come with me to an N.R.A. meeting, and if you still don't think guns are great, we'll argue some more.

That depends what you mean by "crisis."

That's where I saw the leprechaun. Right. A leprechaun. He told me to burn things. Uh-huh.

Have you been eating that sandwich again? Sandwich. Geez, we hardly made a dent in that 10-foot hoagie. Well, I'll give it a good home. Mm!

Oh, for God's sakes, my little girl is-- Hello. Homer, what's going on? Shouldn't you be at work? - I am at work. This is what I do. - But-- - Keep it moving, Marge! This isn't a parking lot! - I'm sorry. Whew!

Bye-bye, Lisa Simpson.

Let's see... I'll have 16 Gravy Scrape 'Ems, a bucket of Twisty Lard, and two Super Choker Breakfast Burritos with macho sauce. And mega-size it, please. SQUEAKY-VOICED TEEN: I could also deep-fry the bag. Great. And I'll have a Diet Coke deep-fried.

Yello. Is this Homer Simpson? Yeah. Homer, I just used our last time out to call and congratulate you on averting nuclear holocaust. Well, thank you. If you play on that ankle, you'll be in pain. I don't care.

Oh, really now, that's too much. It's Sideshow Bob! You wrote me those letters. You awful man!

I can't divulge information about that customer's secret, illegal account. Oh, crap. I shouldn't have said he was a customer. Oh, crap! I shouldn't have said it was a secret. Oh, crap! I certainly shouldn't have said it was illegal. It's too hot today.

- This place is great. - Mm-hmm. Hello, handsome. Nice muscles. Care for a rubdown? Oh! Well, I'm flattered but spoken for. Oh, what the heck. Give me your number. Dad, what have you done to your stomach?

They're controlling our minds with flu shots. I knew it! Well, kids, now aren't you glad we don't believe in inoculations? Yea! Mommy?

And white blood cells are attacking my clothes! Although I must admit they know where to stop. We'll have to lighten the ship, which means one of us has to stay behind. Bart? Lisa? Fine. Me.

Hey, cool. I'm dead ! Please hold on to the handrail. Do not spit over the side.

Whoa-ho-ho! Not me! And not because john's gay, but because he's a sneak. He should at least have the good taste to mince around... and let everyone know that he's... that way. What on earth are you talking about? You know me, Marge. I like my beer cold, my TV loud... and my homosexuals flaming!

We need the outlet for our rock tumbler. Plug it in! Plug it in! What, the rock tumbler or the TV? The TV! The TV! Show Wow! They'll never let us show that again, not in a million years!

All right. For you, I will give up all clear liquors. Really? Even Zima? Hey, I only drink that when I'm already drunk. You really mean it? Hey, anything's possible with a little help from my Bible. Oh, no! It's a real one! No!

Do you have a bigger brother for me yet? Okay. I'll be back in an hour.

Mr. Sparkle, a joint venture of Matsumura Fishworks... and Tamaribuchi Heavy Manufacturing Concern.

Doh ! I... can't... breathe ! Too many... chil... dren. Eyewitnesses estimate the man's weight... at somewhere between 400 and 500 pounds. On the lighter side of the news, and I use the term loosely--

If you're happy and you know it shop at Stan's Giant discounts on your favorite major brands Attention, shoppers. The mall is now closed. Okay, folks. You heard the recording. Clear out.

If there's A task that must be done don't turn your tail and run don't pout don't sob just do A half-assed Job

Although maybe this music will help. Now, you lost someone special, and it hurts. I'm lucky because I never lost anyone special to me. Everyone special to me is under this roof. - Oh ! - It's true.

Ooh, ee, ooh, ah-ah Ting, Tang, walla-walla bing-baNg ooh, ee, ooh, ah-ah walla, bing-bang ting-ting too

Mmm ! - Aah. - Mmm ! - Aah. - Aah. Pretty soon you will be ready to try it with a real book. That was funny !

Doh ! It's no use, fellas. Another comic book has returned to the earth from whence it came. We worked so hard, and now it's all gone.

- Oh, hello, Bobby. - jimmy.

They even brought their lawyers to Thanksgiving dinner. So, uh, how's everybody doing? You don't have to answer that. Shut up, all of you, or I'll sue. Oh, save it for your next book, you little snitch. That's assault! That is assault!

"You will not see me again until I am a man." Oh, Homer... Homer!

but I, who feel that tranquility far outweighs the actual catching of fish, am using nothing. I see. And what's your name, son ? I'm Bart Simpson. Who the hell are you ? I'm Dave Shutton. I'm an investigative reporter who's on the road a lot, and, uh, I must say that in my day, we didn't talk that way to our elders.

Yes, Mrs. Skinner.

Uh, I'm too nervous. You do it. No, you do it. No, you do it. No, you do it. No, you do it. You know, Simpson, I had a discomforting thought on the way over here.

Hey, that's a half-truth.

How are you, Bart ?

As much as I hate that man right now, you got to love that suit.

The wagon's too tall. Oh, I don't wanna have to get out. I'll just drive up on the curb. Blughh. Almost got it. Drop the food, Chief! Dang fools. Drive-through's not for a-Parkin'.

A big, dumb, balding, North American ape with no chin. And a short temper. I'll show you a big, dumb, balding ape ! Uh-oh. Kwyjibo on the loose. We come from Springfield and we sell swampland

G'oh! You do this every time, ya-- Oh, you-- Chokin' on my own rage, here.

And now humanity must be judged! The fate of your planet rests on one human being-- Homer Simpson! Why him? Because he is the fat, selfish epitome of modern man! Hey, he stole my bit! - Now we shall probe you to see if you are worthy. - Yeah, word for word!

I... am a coward!

He is the benevolent, enlightened president and C.E.O.... of Kwik-E-Mart, and in Ohio, Stop-O-Mart. He is the one I must ask for my job back. Approach, my sons.

Yes. And you call them steamed hams despite the fact that they are obviously grilled. Ye-- You know, the-- One thing I should-- - Excuse me for one second. - Of course. Well, that was wonderful. A good time was had by all. I'm pooped.

Mayor Quimby supports revolving-door prisons. Mayor Quimby even released Sideshow Bob, a man twice convicted of attempted murder. Can you trust a man like Mayor Quimby? Vote Sideshow Bob for mayor.

Well, if it isnt Bat-mensch and the Goy Wonder!

Gold! Gold! Beautiful gold!

Mom. Love ya lots! Good-bye, Lisa. Remember me as I am-- filled with murderous rage! Well, Son, I guess this is the end. But we've both had long, full lives.

My pants. Caught on barbed wire. Good Lord. "Choke." An A-bomb. I'm becoming radioactive.

Ooh, that's bad. But it comes with a free frogurt. That's good. The frogurt is also cursed.

My name is Barney, and I'm an alcoholic. Mr. Gumble, this is a Girl Scout meeting. Is it? Or is it that you girls can't admit you have a problem? Don't cry for me. I'm already dead.

I'll call my agent. He'll find some kid who wants in on the deal.

In the first moments of a nuclear war, Springfield will be bombed at will... by all friendly nations to calibrate their missiles. Yea! Now for total security, I will terminate the cameraman. Thanks a lot, Steve!

All righty. Uh, number one, I've lost the will to live. Oh, that's ridiculous, Moe. You've got lots to live for. Really? That's not what Reverend Lovejoy's been tellin' me. Wow! You're good. Thanks. Hi. it's me again. I got another problem.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

"Helms calls for doughnut tax." There. Done and done.

No fooling? I'm from North Kilttown. Do you know Angus McCloud? Wait a minute. There's no Angus McCloud in North Kilttown! Why, you're not from Scotland at all! Ah, don't be daft. I was born in-- Hey, what the--

I'm sure I'm alive, but why? You've raised the bar for all of us, Simpson, and I thank you. Wow. Praise from Caesar. Huh? Shoot the tires out, Lou. Uh, it's a tank, Chief.

Adults! Kids! Adults! Kids! Adults! Kids!

(CHOKING) (GRUNTING)

Eh, it's not the end of the world.

No more fooling around. Paw, this is Bart. I wish for Simpsons to be rich and famous. Now you're talking. Yay! Yay!

Son, how's it going with the breakfast pâté? I'm on it.

Now, I'd like to digress from my prepared remarks... to discuss how I invented the "terlet." Terlet. Ha! Stop your snickering! I spent three years on that terlet!

What's going on here? Oh, Yentl. I might have known. That Yentl puts the "she" in yeshiva. Hmm. Well, you've cooled down. That's what you think. You know, I rented another tape... in case you felt better.

It must be awful to be all alone in the world. Well, I always had my music. I learned at the feet of Blind Willy Witherspoon.

Ahh! WEll, I'm rappin' A.B. And I'm here to say if you wanna drink beeR duff's the only way I said the only way breakdown

And I say England's greatest prime minister was Lord Palmerston! Pitt, the Elder. Lord Palmerston! Pitt, the Elder! Okay, you asked for it, Boggs. Uh!

Hey, Homer, where you going? Going for... eight-hour walk. Homer. Homer. Homer sleep now.

just a minute! Don't hang up!

Look. I brought you some nice pudding. Ah, your flesh mother used to bring me pudding.

Why, you little..! What the..? D'oh!

Marijuana. Well, I guess he didn't like you after all. He just smelled your narcotics. Book him, boys. Hold on, Chief. It might be medicinal. Oh, yeah! Medicinal!

Rip-off! We paid for blood! Let's tear this place apart! Good idea!

Lisa Simpson. Well, this could be fun. Let's watch it.

he'll sting you with his dreams of power and wealth beware of Scorpio his twisted twin obsessions are his plot to rule the world and his employees' health he'll welcome you into his lair like the nobleman Welcomes his guest

What are you waiting for, ioser? [Man Announcing f Possible side-effects include ioss of scalp and penis. What did they say about my scalp? Dont worry, Dad. tsjust a commercial. No one will remember this in 50 years. Ha-hal

where a mysterious person in black keeps a solitary vigil. I've got it! We're going out, Marge! If we don't come back, avenge our deaths! All right! Whoa! Bonanza! - Let's load it up before the rats regroup. - Right.

Early reports indicate, and these are very preliminary, that one of the fighters is a giant lizard. Do we have a source on this? Uh-huh. A bunch of drunken frat boys. All right. I could use some names. I.P. Freely. L--

Money in the bank.

I take it all back. Always be yourself. You wanna be sad, honey, be sad. We'll ride it out with you. And when you get finished feeling sad, we'll still be there. From now on, let me do the smiling for both of us. Okay, Mom. I said you could stop smiling, Lisa.

Have you slept with anyone famous ? Well, Countess von Zeppelin and I-- What in blaze ! Now, you listen to me, you bargain basement Baudelaire ! I'm not some dizzy starlet who can't string two words together ! I can write this thing myself ! You're fired !

Well, thankily-dank, Mayor. I shan't disappoint. "Har" ye. "Har" ye. I declare myself pickled tink... about Springfield's bicen-citally,

What's going on? What happened to our crops? I picked 'em, juiced 'em and delivered 'em to every store in town. Your business is saved. But there weren't enough vegetables left to fill that order.

Hell! Not the Wright Brothers' plane. The Smithsonian's gonna have my ass on a platter. Dad! Help! Hang on, boy! Daddy's coming to save you! D'oh!

You take that back! Homer, please. These boys sound very nice, but they're clearly nerds. Really? But nerds are my mortal enemy. Dad, nerds are nothing to fear. In fact, they've done some pretty memorable things. Some nerds of note include popcorn magnate Orville Redenbacher, rock star David Byrne and Supreme Court justice David Souter.

Shake, shake, shake shake, shake, shake Shake, shake, shake His ass is gonna blow!

Roll the ball for me, Marge. Let me see your form.

What are you doing, Lisa?

So you've got to think of a way I can come home for free. Hmm. You could travel for free if you were a stewardess. Well, how badly do you want to get home? All right, all right. How about a courier? They travel for free too. No, that's a terrier. They're dogs.

Hello! That sounds like a pig fainting.

Can I buy that? Please? Well, you-- If you-- Really? Wha-- Ha! Hot dog! A sale! Huh? I'll take it from here, Gil. No! Wait! Ah, no! You can't take my sale!

It's so thick! Your turn, Bart.

Oh, you're feisty. I'm gonna give you a Madonna cut.

Fans reacted to these... slapdash episodes with yawns. Angry yawns. Desperate to polish their tarnished image, the family agreed...

Homer 13 is spinning out of control! I'm going after him!

Well, Bart, your Uncle Arthur used to have a saying, "Shoot 'em all, and let God sort 'em out." Unfortunately, one day he put his theory into practice. It took 75 federal marshals to bring him down. Now, let's never speak of him again.

Slow down, you sidewalk-surfin' cube-gleamers!

Hello. I'm Troy McClure. You may remember me from such movies as Cry Yuma and Here Comes the Coast Guard.

Hockey Dad rules! Feel the drunken wrath of Chuck Shadowski! Dad, stop! It's only assault. Don't make it murder! Ignore. Ignore. ANNOUNCER: You are a big man.

The '60s were long over, and people were once again ready... to feel bad about themselveS. Jesus is just all right with me I came to Springfield ready to roll up my sleeves and help my fellow man. There was just one fellow man I hadn't counted on.

Okay. This is hopeless. Oh ! Hmm ! Well, old-timer, I guess this is the end of the road. I know I haven't always been a good kid, but if I have to go to school tomorrow, I'll fail the test and be held back.

Wow, Dad. You really know your monorails. Homer, there's a family of possums in here. I call the big one Bitey. I'm going to see Mr. Lanley.

Hmm. I see. I sure hope they don't have an ice cream round. Mmm. I don't think that bridge can support much weight. Well, Maggie weighs a lot less than-- Oh, I'll just go.

Where in the hell is Milhouse? That one shot cost us a million dollars! Where's the producer? I want to talk about this coffee.

Okay, hang on, Homer. Two eye holes coming up. Easy. Easy. Too far. Homer, maybe I should drive. What? I can see fine.

Now, that's real acid, so I want to see goggles, people.

Oh, my German verb wheel. Ich esse. Ihr ist. Wir essen. When? When? Ich bin hungrig!

There's just one piece left in the puzzle. But I've caused so much trouble already, General Washington. I can't go on. We had quitters in the Revolution too. We called them Kentuckians.

Bad cops, bad cops Bad cops, bad cops bad cops, bad cops bad cops, bad cops springfield copS are on the take but what do you expect For the money we make

rockin' the casbah rock the casbah the Shareef don't like it rockin' the casbah rock the casbah by order of the prophet we Ban that boogie sound

Skinner with his crazy explanations The superintendent's gonna need his medication When he hears Skinner's lame exaggerations There'll be trouble in town tonight Seymour! Superintendent, I was just-- uh, just stretching my calves on the windowsill.

All right, Econo-Save, you just made the list.

The reason we're not allowed in the forbidden barn... is because there is no intergalactic spaceship. He's taken our money just so he can... build one hell of a spaceship!

Come on, Bart. If I can teach Maggie to waltz, I can teach you. just follow me. Put your hand on my hip. Okay.

Okay, so you say your son is towheaded, button nose, mischievous smile, and maybe armed with a slingshot? Got it. We'll find him, ma'am. Looks like the kid who roughed up the Wilson widow.

I'm sure I'm alive, but why?

Oh, this isn't fun. Maybe if you didn't go to the bathroom so much, you wouldn't be so small. Oh.

Hmm. Hey, boyo, what's so funny? Well, it's-- Ah, you wouldn't be interested. It's too lowbrow. No, I'm quite lowbrow.

and he needs some help. Ow! No listenin'. You hear me? Uh, no. You just don't learn, do you? Ow!

Okay, everybody tuck your pants into your socks.

Got to heaven before you, Flanders! Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!

Ha, ha! April Fools'.

I'm trying to impress people here, Lisa. You don't win friends with salad. You don't win friends with salad You don't win friends with salad You don't win friends with salad You don't win friends with salad You don't win friends with salad

Hey, Bart, want a dollar? Ah, ah, ah. You know what I wanna hear. i'm A little teapot short and stout this is my handle this is my Spout the itsy-bitsy spider went up the waterspout Oh, yeah. Love that spout medley.

Mmmmm... ohh... ahh...

Product Day? No, no, no! No. It's got to be warm and fuzzy-- something like, um, Love Day, but not so lame. Happy Love Day, everyone! Come on, Mom. The stores just invented this holiday to make money. Lisa, don't you ruin another Love Day.

...The itchy & scratchy show!

My cans. My precious, antique cans. Aw, look what you done to 'em.

This is hopeless! They're gonna demolish our house for sure! We're gonna have to move into a Motel 6. But Dad can't afford six dollars a night. Hey! Lise! Lise, come here! I found Edgar Neubauer!

I've never seen them fight like that. I'm worried that all this posturing... and saber rattling could lead to a teachers' strike. Strike, eh? Ow! My bones are so brittle. But I always drink plenty of-- "Malk"?

i'm A little teapot short and stout this is my handle this is my Spout the itsy-bitsy spider went up the waterspout Oh, yeah. Love that spout medley.

Homer, with our help, you'll never touch a beer again.

I'm thirsty. Checkmate, Mr. Trampoline.

I used to fly to Vegas in it with Dean Martin. One night he looked out the window, and the moon hit his eye like a big pizza pie. We wrote a song about it, but it ended up infringing on one he recorded years before.

Hi. I'm Phoney McRingring, mascot and president of the telephone company. I'm here to explain why the convenience of one area code in... Your town. has been replaced by the convenience of two area codes.

Hello, handsome.

Four out of five, Simpson. Impressive. But you missed your last target. Did I? Ha-ha!

Hallelujah. Hallelujah! Aww.

4y f Theme Song]

Oh, who am I kidding? I'm no farmer. Well, if it isn't Mr. Salad Fork. You couldn't grow stink on a monkey.

What do I do? What do I do? If you want to go right move the joy stick left. Yes. Move the... What's a joy stick? Oh, oh! Here comes a Xylon cruiser! Go into hyperspace! Wait! Where's the hyperspace? Grandpa, you're the spaceship. I thought I was this guy.

Nope. Cubic Diamondium? Nope. Dioxy-ribo-diamondoid? Close but no cigar. Just plain diamonds! Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

Hey, Simpson ! Hey, how'd you get in here ? Eh, your door wasn't locked in any serious way. I wonder if you'd be interested in this car stereo ? A $500 value, but I'll let you have it for 40 bucks. Get out of my house ! I don't wanna associate with criminals !

We need another Vietnam to thin out their ranks a little.

Bob is not here. We have searched every square inch of this base, and all we have found is porno, porno, porno!

Bart, you're doing a bang-up Job. There were some corridors in this school you'd never go down. Now I feel safe anywhere. Every day is a new fight, sir. Bart, the school is a police state. Students are afraid to sneeze. I have you to thank. Come with me.

just relax and let the hooks do their work. What the hell are you smiling at? Oh. Now, in case all that smiling didn't cheer you up, there's one thing that never fails: a nice glass of warm milk, a little nap and a total frontal lobotomy.

Look, if I was under 17, I'd be in school, right? Yeah, I guess you're right. Enjoy Boob-A-Rama, sir.

Now, remember, we're in the Itchy Lot.

Hey, Ray j. johnson never changed his act, and he's more popular now than he's ever been. Who? You can call him Ray. Or you can call him J. Or you can call him Ray j. But you doesn't have to call him-- I'm sick of him already. The point is, great artists are always trying new things,

I graded this morning's test over lunch, and most of you did quite well. I got a "B." No, Ralph. That's an "F." I must have spilled some KahlÚa. Perfect, Lisa. And you got all the extra-credit questions, even the one that got cut off by the copy machine. Well, I guess I was just on a roll.

Iron helps us play! Hello, Joe! Bart? There's someone in here who wants to meet you.

(RAPIDLY INTERLOCKING DOODLIES, DIDDLIES)

My only crime was driving a truck full of explosives in from Canada.

Oh, you'll find this amusing-- - the suit Charlie Chaplin was buried in. - Eww!

Let's see, something for the lady... ah-- Radioactive Man vs. The Swamp Hag. Got any girl comics like Bonnie Crane, Girl Attorney Punkin and Dunkin, the Twinkle Twins or li'l Knee Socks?

Look. There it is. Oh, Homie. Homie, I'm so sorry I doubted you. I bring you love. Is that the love between a man and a woman,

Silence! Cease all quips and comebacks! Look! You weren't in dress rehearsal, so you're not in the show!

Bart, it's so sweet of you to take the family out to Krusty Burger. Hey, some people in this family are doers, and some are "don't-ers." Don't you call me a-- Ugh. Take that, Lisa's beliefs!

- Oh, oh, oh ! Me ! - Bart ? What about a robot with a human brain ? I don't know ! All these questions ! Is a little blind faith too much to ask ? Yea ! Don't forget next week. Remember to read--

That's just the sound of the pelota hitting the fronton. I find it soothing.

His soul Hyah! Hyah.

I'll kill you if you don't give me some peanuts. He-Here you go, mister.

Hello, little fella. Smithers, I believe this dog was in Skull and Bones. Whoa! Cool dog! Can he catch a Frisbee?

I was saying Boo-urns.

Wait! Where's the hyperspace?

Mmm! Unprocessed fish sticks.

Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife? I do. One groom-- Two grooms? But he-- But you can't-- Oh, my medication! Radical! Is that your final answer?

Honey, I know you wanna see japan, but we're down to our last million yen. Don't worry, ichiban. I'll show you something japanese. Oh, it's beautiful, Dad.

You're a liar, honey-- a dirty, rotten liar. Finish her! Finish her!

If you've committed a crime and you want to confess, click "yes." Otherwise click "No." You have chosen "No," meaning you've committed a crime but don't want to confess. A paddy wagon is now speeding to your home. Hey! While you wait, why not buy a police cap or t-shirt? You have the right to remain fabulous.

I've been racking my brain, trying to think of something to cut from the budget.

Rest assured that I was on the Internet within minutes... registering my disgust throughout the world.

CompuGlobalHyperMeganet. junior vice president Homer Simpson speaking. How may I direct your call? It's Patty.

An elephant just knocked over your mailbox. Okay.

Except when that drunken cop started firing at those seagulls. Ah! Get 'em off!

Night will come soon. There's gotta be a way to get back at Dad.

You heard her. She said no. Legs, Louie. Advance on them.

Take it off! - All right, Dad. You've been warned. Let's go. - Hey! - Come on. - Easy.

Thank you, Lord. Once I kill you, everyone will think I'm the real Homer. None of this seems odd to you?

I wish we could see their happy faces. Sin of pride, Roddy. I'm sorry. Sin of regret. The house is slightly askew. To the panic room! Aaah!

Jingle bell, jingle bell jingle bell rock Lisa, you promised they'd be miserable. What the hell's going on? Oh, the pharmaceutical man come by and he shot us full of Christmas cheer. I can't feel nothing below my chin. Jingle bell, jingle bell jingle bell

Milhouse! I didn't do it. I wished him well. I wished him well! Stupid dummy wasn't supposed to explode yet. There's the real Milhouse. Milhouse! Hey, you're not Milhouse.

Pinchy, I made you some risotto. What? You gotta be kidding me! Dad! What's your problem, veggie? You don't even eat lobster. No, but I enjoy the smell.

Oh, Marge doesnt think I'm sexy. What am I supposed to do? Hmm. Suicide, eh? Hmm? That's it! Thank you, outdoor advertising!

Oh, no! An anti-escape orb! Huh. That was easy.

Piece of cake, son. Crap! Crap! Crap! Crap! Crap! Crap! Crap! Crap! Crap! Crap!

Okay. Wait a minute. That's bad!

Gee, thanks, guys. This is just like The Deer Hunter.

Why you little-- Why you big-- Bart, go to your room. I'm out of here.

Look at those poor saps back on land with their "laws" and "ethics." They'll never know the simple joys of a monkey knife fight. Give it to him, boy! Give it to him!

That was a nice film I had once. Last time I try to impress a four-year-old. Well, see ya, kid. You can't just go back to the gutter. You created Itchy. You should be a millionaire. Ah, Roger Myers wouldn't give me a cent in the '20s. Why would he give me anything now?

Hello ? Simpson, this is Sylvia Winfield. That canine of yours is in my pool again. I'm calling the dog warden right now ! Oh, are you ? Well, you go ahead... and call your precious dog warden, you old battle axe, because my dog is tied up in the backyard.

Ee-eew. Lisa, the blob has got me! Don't touch me, or it'll get you too! Dad, you have to put chlorine in the water every day to keep it clean.

Kiki, I'm tired oftrade-show modeling. My back really hurts. You seem unhappy, so I'm going to inject this smile solution into yourjaw. Did you just drug me? What the- Technically, it's a toxin. Mmm.

Of course I'm Batman. See, here's a picture of me with Robin. Who the hell's Robin? Oh, I guess you're only familiar with the new Batman movies. Michelle Pfeiffer. Ha. The only true Catwoman is julie Newmar, Lee Meriwether or Eartha Kitt.

Wow, a shoehorn. just like in the movies. Shoe goes on, shoe goes off, shoe goes on, shoe goes off. Shoe goes on, shoe goes off. Hey, I call first bedsies. Bart, there's no such thing as first bedsies. You just made that up.

Yeah. Everything before the high-speed chase was just lovely. Hey. You're a good friend, Marge.

Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. This needs more eye of newt. You always want more eye of newt. If it were up to you, the brew would be nothing but newt eyes. Well, look who's here. If I knew you were coming, I'd have baked a cat. What a day. They found out I was a witch, so I had to leave my family.

All right! Special holiday meal. Where do you want these beef hearts? On the floor. It doesn't look very clean. just do your job, heart boy.

Oh, my God! The dead have risen, and they're voting Republican! No, Bart! Don't you see? Dead people can't vote! Look! Prudence Goodwyfe. Died 1641. She voted for Bob too. So did Buddy Holly, Richie Valens and The Big Bopper.

Bart, you're going to kindergarten. Kindergarten! Ha!

Stop kissin' that cat, and get in the car!

Now my good man, what do you like to play? Pokémon! Pokémon? Pokémon? With the pokey and the man... and the--

Well, I can picture the cheese, but, uh-- Do they have Krusty partially gelatinated nondairy gum-based beverages? Mm-hmm. They call 'em shakes. "Shakes." You don't know what you're gettin'. Well, I know what I'm gettin'-- some doughnuts. Uh, help me out of the booth, boys.

Wha-- Hey, moose! Shoo! Yeah, I'm talkin' to you! Get off my lawn, now!

(RUMBLING) Oh, Marge, I'm giving birth to a food baby! - (RUMBLING) - Oh! I feel like something crawled inside me and took a crap. Bart, don't use that word... (GASPS) Crap! (ALL GAGGING)

Thanks, Marge. Early morNing singing song And so concludes our tale. I'm Leonard Nimoy. Good night, and keep watching the skis!

I didn't do anything funny, sir. Shut up. Mr. Simpson are you quite sure you know how to take care of a pony? Of course. Simpson, you've done it again.

Dad, why did you bring me to a gay steel mill? I don't know! This is a nightmare! You're all sick! Oh, be nice!

It's almost lunchtime. Do you know where your brother is tutoring? Tutoring? The only thing Bart's teaching is guerrilla combat in Shelbyville. Well, do you have a number where we can reach him? No. Mom, Bart and some kids ran off to wage war on Shelbyville! Homer, come quick!

Hey, kids ! I spy Itchy and Scratchy off the port bow ! Hey, down in front. Shut up, boy. They fight, they bite They fight and bite and fight Fight, fight, fight Bite, bite, bite The Itchy & Scratchy Show

Wiggum forever! Barney never!

Don't worry, Son. I'll get you a new elephant. I'll take that one too. Done. - I'll be back in the morning to pick up Stampy. - Here's the keys. Elephants don't have keys. I'll just keep these then.

Oh, jub jub. When I went to pick him up, Mom was trying to stab him with a hat pin. Shh! You make me feel you make me feel

Homer Simpson at the Super Bowl? Dang! That was my last quarterback. Now what am I gonna do? You! Me? Yeah, you. Get your hand off my wife's leg. Sorry.

You get to see what they do during commercial breaks. We'll be right back with a special report... on soccer moms who hate soccer. Clear! Oh, Lord. I'm so fat.

I love you, Homer. Come here, you! Here you go, buddy. Did you walk the dog? Yeah, he buried me a couple of times. Yeah, dogs like to bury old junk. Yeah, you stupid idiot.

Oh. Okay, Marge. I'll get along with them. Then I will hug some snakes. Yes! I will hug and kiss some poisonous snakes! Now that's sarcasm.

Shut up with that pen scratching down there. I will send you every cent I earn for the baby but you will not see me again until I am a man.

Whoa! It's like Speed 2, only with a bus instead of a boat.

Well, I hope Bob fed you 'cause I ate your dinners.

The Wild Dingleberries?

It doesn't matter!

I'll save you, Dad. I can't get any closer. You'll have to jump! Piece of cake, son. Crap! Crap! Crap! Crap! Crap! Crap! Crap! Crap! Crap! Crap!

So unless they have a television in there or can hear my loud talking-- Ow, ow, ow, ow. Well, I guess that answers that, doesn't it?

I wouldn't say King Milhouse is a loser, but that's the 12th girl he's struck out with this week. Boil him in oil! So no 10:30 show?

Hey ! Wha-- Come on, you stupid tube ! Hmm. Looks like there's a jam in Delta sector. It's too big to be human. Send down a few kids. That should dislodge it. Roger.

The Soviet Union? I thought you guys broke up. Yes! That's what we wanted you to think!

You! Homer, thank God. You gotta help me here. Oh, I'll help you. Help you die! Waaah! All right, that's it. You're goin' down, pal.

It's a beautiful day to kick your ass! You die now!

Then we figured out we could park them in front of the TV. That's how I was raised, and I turned out TV.

Let's try it right now. Eh, oh, there's some candy right here, sir. - Why don't we eat this instead of stealing? - Oh, very well. Mmm. Mmm. And look. There's a photo in here. Mm, yes. I believe that's little Maggie Simpson,

We Germans are not a warlike people, but even we have limits! Right! Let's bash a noggin! Yeah, get her! That's the spirit!

My Bologna has A first name it's h-o-m-e-r my Bologna has A second name it's h-o-m-e-r oh, I Scram! There goes the last lingering thread of my heterosexuality.

Oh. Better hurry up. Homer. Are you still awake ? - I've never been more awake in my life. - What's wrong ? Are you kidding ? I'm stuck in that dead-end job again,

Good night, everybody!

Remember what I told ya. just one thing. - My car broke down. - I'm joe Namath. My car broke down. It was just vapor lock.

Aah ! - Uh-oh. Stop ! - Mmm ! Lunchtime ! Ha, ha, ha ! Lunchtime ! Aah !

I don't need any more money. I'm not greedy. As long as I've got my health and my millions of dollars... and my gold house and my rocket car, - I don't need anything else. - Yes, but-- Not interested. Dad, can we have $183,000?

Wiggum forever! Barney never!

We gotta get to the hospital, Homer!

Hello, this is Bob "What the hell am I doing in Springfield" Hope. Hey, how about that Mayor Quimby? He's some golfer! His golf ball spends more time underwater than Greg Louganis. And now, I wanna show you what you're fighting for, if there was a war on. Little Miss Springfield.

Good evening. Our old friend Noah Webster defines "laughter"... as "the act or sound of laughing." Ha-ha! Well illustrated, Nelson. And now, fasten your funny bones for Groundskeeper-- Oh. Or should I say "Grinskeeper"?

So, tell, tell, who's the lucky man? What does he do? (GASPS) Let me guess. Mmm. Does he work in customer support? You can guess all night and never get it. (INHALING DEEPLY) Her name's Veronica. But Veronica's a girl's name. Did you know that? I'm marrying a woman.

And these pills will help with the queasiness. Krusty? Dr. Hibbert, who was that man? Now, Bart, telling you...

It's time to put an end to this. Bart, I'm borrowing your blue crowbar. Good ol' Blue-y. Hey, she's gonna smash the angel! Somebody stop her!

You must be thirsty. Drink from my cauldron. Well, I was in the mood for something bubbling.

Oh, oh! How about Oklasoft? It's Oklahoma's fastest-growing software company.

(CLICKING) (LAUGHING IN FRENCH ACCENT) (LAUGHING IN JAPANESE ACCENT) (LAUGHING IN BOTSWANAN ACCENT) (MIMICKING SEAL LAUGHTER) Stupid Internet. Whole world laughing at me. (BRAKES SCREECHING)

Family, religion, friendship. These are the three demons you must slay if you wish to succeed in business.

We'll search out every place a sick, twisted, solitary misfit might run to. I'll start with Radio Shack. Right.

You don't have to start drinking right away. I was thinking we could go for a bike ride. But, Marge, the barflies are expecting me-- Moe and Barney and that guy who calls me Bill. But you look better. You don't sweat while you eat anymore.

It's not my nature to complain, but so far today, we've had three movies, two filmstrips... and an hour and a half of magazine time. I just don't feel challenged. Of course we could make things more challenging, Lisa, but then the stupider students would be in here complaining, furrowing their brows in a vain attempt to understand the situation.

Hey, I could really use one ofthose. No arguments here. Man, I really come off like ajerk in this thing. - ii - Mom, Dad, my birthdays coming up... and Girltech Turbo Diaries are in stores now. Lisa, nobody likes a shill. Just buy me the friggin' toy.

And if the ref's not looking, you can kick him a couple of times. Who's gonna knock you down? No one! When are you gonna fight back? Never! What are you gonna do? - Nothin'! - That's my boy! Man, you'd never get me into a ring. Boxing causes brain damage.

Hey, go on, boy. Go get it. Answer the phone. D'oh! There's gotta be something on this thing for that thing. Ahh. Ohh.

Hyuk, hyuk, hyuk. Well, we're still on. 346 consecutive hours, and all because of one little boy who-- who won't let me stop!

Hey, foamy. I want the news, not the weather. Marge, did you hear me zing werewolf Flanders? Diddly!

Classic. Not hard to see why it's England's longest-running series. And today we're showing all seven episodes.

'Bout yay high, blue hair, big dent in her forehead? No, honey. Gladys looked more like your Aunt Patty. Oh, yeah. There she is. The funeral's in Littleneck Falls. Looks like we'll have to go to Duff Gardens another time. We understand. No use complainin' about something you can't change.

Take that, nuclear power pl-- Oh, fiddlesticks.

1968, Mexico City. Bob Beamon shatters the world long jump record. Ow! And in 1984, Portugal's Carlos Lopez... becomes the oldest Olympic marathon winner ever... at age 38.

Change the channel, Marge.

It's your children's future. Children are important. It'll cost you. Oh, the taxes. They're gonna raise taxes! Come on! All right. That's a good point. Oh, yeah. That sounds-- Oh, yeah, the taxes!

Die, Krusty! Die-- Oh.

Mom, you said I could have one souvenir, right? Well, I want a didgeridoo.

I hope you're all satisfied. You bankrupted a bunch of naive movie folks. Folks from a Hollywood where values are different. They weren't thinking about the money. They just wanted to tell a story. A story about a radioactive man, and you slick small-towners took 'em for all they were worth.

and wear frilly shirts like Keith Partridge. Keith Partridge? Who huddle! We'll do it! Yeah! Just send a cab for us. Is something wrong with your legs? You're right. The walk will do us good.

Homer, what are you doing? Something I should have done a long time ago. I'll teach you to mess with my machine! I'm gonna chop you good! That cost me 35 cents! You're just making it worse! I promise I won't hurt you!

Are you tired of having your hands cut off by snowblowers... and the inevitable heart attacks that come with shoveling snow?

Uh-oh. That's toxic waste!

Uh, excuse me. I'd like to request $17... for a push broom rebristling. Why, it's that delightful TV leprechaun! I'm going to get your Lucky Charms. oh, no. My brains.

after Bart somehow put this tattoo on my butt.

I kicked one of those stupid Itchy characters in the butt. Yeah, there's just no way to resist it, is there? I want all five T-shirts to say "Best Vacation Ever." Attention, Marge Simpson. Your son has been arrested. I'd be terribly embarrassed if I were that boy's mother.

You know, I'm actually kind of glad I lost. Now I know losing isn't the end of the world. Hey, you still think we can be friends? Only if we're the best. I beat the smart kids I beat the smart kids I bent my wookie.

Lisa, we may not make it.

That's 'cause you're a screwup! You're the screwup! Why, you little-- All right! All right! That's it! We're goin' home. I'm sick of you and your stupid tonic! If I hadn't taken that stupid tonic 38 years ago, you'd have never been born and I'd have been happy.

Oh. Oh, I've been there, man. ...has been canceled. What? Instead we bring you The Boring World of Niels Bohr.

Aaah! You killed me, Bart! You killed me, Bart!

Um, uh, what town did we just crush? Shelbyville.

This is it, Marge. I poured my heart and soul into this business, and now it's finally paying off. We're rich! Richer than astronauts! Homer, quiet! You'll queer the deal. Oh. Right. I reluctantly accept your proposal. Well, everyone always does. Buy him out, boys.

There we go. That's the last I'll see of Mr. Trampoline. Yep, it's finally gone. D'oh!

These aren't reptile eggs. You've been cheating! No matter where Mr. Burns hits the ball, you put a fresh one on the green!

What's that guy doin' here? Lionel Hats, court-appointed attorney. I'll be defending you on the charge of... murder one! Wow. Even if I lose, I'll be famous.

It was this majestic old redwood, which was brutally cut down last night-- not by loggers, but by lightning-- Lightning? Oh! At least it wasn't my fault. Lightning attracted by this metal bucket. Still unknown is the fate of tree-sitter Lisa Simpson.

just let your head flop back and forth. Your neck is a well-cooked piece of asparagus. We interrupt Sadrudin Mabaradad's Yoga Party for this special bulletin--

Oh, man. (CHUCKLES) Easy, Barney. Easy. Remember the 12 Steps. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10,11,12. (GRUNTS) Nice try, boys. Now, as the Road Runner said to the Coyote, "Meep meep!"

Homer, I got a really wicked idea that could get us into a lot of trouble. Oh! Mindy, we have to fight our temptation. No, Homer. Let's do it. Let's call room service! Oh.

great. I, um, just wanted to say... that I've done some research, and, uh, he was great.

Sure. I'll just stand here. Mmm, I can't wait to eat that monkey.

Maggie shot Mr. Burns again!

Fool me twice, shame on Wu! Ling, you're gonna be very happy in America. Unlike everyone else there. (GIGGLING) Selma Bouvier, this man is not your husband. And for that, no adoption!

All right, Simpson. You get your soul back. But let that ill-gotten doughnut be forever on your head.

Bart, do you want to see my new chainsaw and hockey mask? Oh, sorry. What am I thinking?

Splendid, Batsy. You've done it again.

Go ahead, Ralphie. The stranger is offering you a treat. Mmm. Oh, Daddy! This tastes like Grandma! Holy Moses! It does taste like Grandma! I want more! Yeah, me too. We'll take a bushel or a pack or-- just give it to me!

Thanks for poisoning the planet, bastard! Get bent! No more Chernobyls! Go to hell!

In the morning. Oh, Mom, I'm borrowing your car.

And in environmental news, scientists have announced that Springfield's air... is now only dangerous to children and the elderly.

Good-bye good-bye my coNey island baby That's my son up there! What, the balding fat-ass? Uh, no, the Hindu guy.

Help me, lord! I told you, Flanders has it! Or Moe. Go kill Moe. just give him the doughnut! Once he has it, that will be the end of all this horror! Well, okay. If it'll end horror.

It's time for the main course! Back to class, lad. Nothin' to see here.

So, what do you think of the Lady Krusty mustache-removal system now, Angelique? It's "Krusterrific," johnny Unitas. - But is my upper lip supposed to bleed like this? - Probably. At this rate, you'll be broke in a month.

Who knows what adventures they'll have between now... and the time the show becomes unprofitable?

Aww! Your cable TV is experiencing difficulties. Please do not panic. Resist the temptation to read or talk to loved ones. Do not attempt sexual relations, as years of TV radiation... have left your genitals withered and useless. Well, I'll be damned.

(LAUGHING DIABOLICALLY) (MARGE SCREAMS) I've gotta save them!

You put it together yourself. All you need is me-- Allen Wrench. He's named after what he is. Cool costume. It's not a costume. They found me inside a meteor.

The town charter says that in an emergency, I run the show. Well, we'll just see about that. Let's go to town hall. Fine! Should we take one car, or should I follow you? Hey, according to the charter, as chief constable I'm supposed to get a pig every month... "and two comely lasses of virtue true."

'Ere you go. Oh, who am I kidding? I'm no farmer. Well, if it isn't Mr. Salad Fork. You couldn't grow stink on a monkey. Leave me alone, you big bully. Oh, I'm just razzin' ya. It's my way. Here, have an ear on me.

Okay, Homer, stay calm. just quietly get this stuff inside your house. Homer, you're not listening!

This is just a kickball with "Mars" written on it. Behold, the Red Planet! It was so exciting. I actually got applause for being smart. Mars, eh?

D'oh! Stupid roller skate.

Circus peanuts, raisins, nicotine gum, a library card? You got all the good stuff. And yet I'm still not satisfied. (GRUNTS IN FRUSTRATION) You thieving hussy! (CHOKING) Ow!

This has been a Gracie Films presentation.

I bring you love. Is that the love between a man and a woman, or the love of a man for a fine Cuban cigar? Uh, I bring you love. It's bringing love! Don't let it get away! Break its legs!

Hey, man, you're harshing my buzz. Anyway, it all started when I was-- You go, Homer. Whoosh!

Well, what about in the sentence "Jim Nabors is way cool”?

Man has always loved his buildings. But what happens when the buildings say, "No more"?

I'll do it. To professionalism. Good morning, fellow employee. You'll notice that I am now a model worker.

Marge, I got it all figured out. Lee Harvey Oswald wanted to steal the Jack Ruby! Jack Ruby was a man, not a jewel. (GROANING)

It's powered by old newspapers, the machinery is made entirely of used cans, and the windows are from the old liquor bottles we collected. Hey! I thought I told you to stop licking my windows. I know. You told me. And when I woke up this morning, I said, "Barney, you're not gonna lick that man's--"

How can one ordinary man have so many enemies? I'm a people person... who drinks.

Oww! Thank you, SpringShield! Friend? The only friend you need is SpringShield. Monster put in wallet. That commercial is very effective.

I've been hoping I could find something that would be named after me. And you've never found anything? Once. But by the time I got to a phone, my discovery had already been reported by Principal Kohoutek. I got back at him though. Him and that little boy of his. Anyway, that's why I always keep a cellular phone next to me.

Lower! Lower! There goes my turn. This is not good. Aw, nuts.

Eyewitnesses estimate the man's weight... at somewhere between 400 and 500 pounds. On the lighter side of the news, and I use the term loosely-- Doh ! No ! The slide is perfectly safe. This was an isolated incident.

Mmm. Mmm! These are the juiciest frogs I've ever eaten. Mmm! Ra has rewarded my cruelty to the slaves. It's a plague, you moron! And we got lots more planned.

Well, I need something for my son's birthday.

All right, loony. Show me what you got. Is that the best you can do? Oh, my. I hope that rug was Scotchgarded. Must kill family.

Geech gone to heaven, Mr. Terwilliger. Oh, Cousin Merl, really! Temper, temper. You know Cousin Merl ain't been quite right lately. I'm telling you, Cecil, I can't take much more of this!

Milhouse, lower those eyebrows. And the other one.

- Or an inlet. - Or a fjord. Quiet! I will not hear another word against the boat. - Okay, TV off. It's family time. - Oh, but, Marge! Knightboat: the crime-solving boat. Homer, you promised. One night of family time a week.

You're not the time, Kent! You're not the time! Where are we going, Mr. Simpson? I'll tell you where we're not going. Jail! Then you better turn. Uh-oh! Aaah! He's jumping out of the car, Kent!

I think they want you to play McBain's sidekick in-- brace yourself-- the new McBain movie! McBain's sidekick? Hot damn! I'm going to Sea World! Selma, about you and Troy-- We're not sure he's all he seems.

Loudener. Oh! - Speed-Cocker. - Ooh! I like the sound of that. And this is for shooting down police helicopters.

That way I can turn all these old baseball cards, Disney memorabilia... and antiques into something valuable. Homie, I'm really happy you sold your sculpture. But don't you think it may have been a fluke? Hey, I've always had an interest in art, dating back to my schoolgirl days... when I painted portrait after portrait of Ringo Starr.

- Thanks for coming. - I please to aim. I'm so happy. I just had to tell someone. I have a boyfriend.

Stu, we like to downplay the resemblance to tic-tac-toe. I can dig it. Hit me with the center square. Uh, Homer? Yes, Kent? According to Redbook magazine, what is the speed of light? Well, that-- Uh, well, wait. Uh, do I read from the sheet labeled "jokes" or "answers"? Oh, for the Lo-- Stop tape!

You girls were all great. Cats back for everyone. - I had a dog. - Is cat now!

Me mind on fire Me soul on fire What a charming neighborhood.

GATE ANNOUNCER: Attention Miami passengers,

So I said, "I must get out of these wet clothes and into a dry martini." Well said. Thank you. Oh, good Lord. There's a fly in my drink. I put it there. - You did ? - I slipped it into your glass as a gag. Pure hilarity ! Pure Homer. I pronounce it to be the most whimsical jape of the season. Quite.

Look, Dad. I don't know what's going on, but once you gave me some advice that might help. I gave you advice ? Get out of here. Yeah, you did. You told me when something's bothering you... and you're too damn stupid to know what to do, just keep your fool mouth shut. At least that way, you won't make things worse. Hmm. Good advice.

Oh. Prepare to be murdered. Huh? That's... Sanskrit for "your toes are like perfume." Voy a matar a usted. Wha? That's Spanish for "I am going to kill you." Say what? I do believe it's time...

Well, I don't need safety gloves, because I'm Homer Simp-- Frank Grimes-- or "Grimey," as he liked to be called-- taught us that a man can triumph over adversity, and even though Frank's...

This document conforms to all applicable laws and statutes.

But I did tip off the feds... as to the whereabouts of our good friend Milhouse. I'm telling you. I didn't do anything. I don't care. Ouch! My glasses!

Who am l- Abe Lincoln!

Oh, Homer, there's a bird on your head. I know. He's grooming me. Mm, elephant fresh.

Hmm. Nah. What the hell's this? Melvin and the Squirrels. Part of the rodent invasion of the early '60s. Stuck a feather in his cap and called it-- Rice-A-Roni Melvin!

And poor Ned didn't get a chance to say good-bye. Well, from now on, I'm never gonna let you leave the room... without telling you how much I love you, and how truly special--

The Rand Corporation, in conjunction with the saucer people-- Thank you. under the supervision of the reverse-vampires-- are forcing our parents to go to bed early... in a fiendish plot to eliminate the meal of dinner! We're through the looking glass here, people.

He's hurt. Go, go, gol These are Homer's friends and family. They dont want him dead. They just want him to suffer. Thank you, Lord.

eight-- eight-- eight-- Ohh! Will this horrible year never end? We've never lost a year before, and I'll be damned if we're gonna lose one on my shift. Seven, six, five, four, three, two, one!

So, in summary, NBC bad, Fox good." CBS great.

North Haverbrook. Where have I heard that name before? Oh, no. Oh, no! There he is-- seat 3-F!

Marge, I'm feeling a lot of shame right now. I'm hearing that you feel a lot of shame. And I feel that you hear my shame. I'm feeling annoyance and frustration, but also tolerance. I feel validated by that. Good. I'm glad we had this talk. Me too.

No, Mr. Simpson. Don't take your anger out on me. Get back! Get back! M-Mr. Simpson, no! Marge, kids, everything's gonna be just fine. Now, go upstairs and pack your bags. We're gonna start a new life under the sea.

Sir, I studied under Ed McMahon. How about a drinkin' contest, boy?

You may remember me from such medical films as Alice Doesn't Live Anymore... and Mommy, What's Wrong with that Man's Face? But Mr. McClure, what is D.N.A.? What the-- Oh, hi, Billy. Let's find out together. D.N.A. is God's recipe for making you.

Well, neighbor I see you've got your running shoes on. That's a good thing.

Milhouse, quick! Look out! Bart! Ow! Mom! Hurry up, Bart!

I'm a neurotic nerd who likes to sleep with little girls. Hey, that really sucked!

Nuts to this. I'll just go get Homer Simpson. I think Smithers picked me because of my motivational skills. Everyone always says they have to work a lot harder when I'm around.

What do you mean, the bank is out of money? Insolvent? You only have enough cash for the next three customers? Wait a minute! j-j-just a second here! No. No. I don't have your money here. It's in Bill's house a-a-and Fred's house.

Yeah. The way I was headed, it was just a matter of time... before i wound up in front of a judge. What the-- They gave me a choice: jail, the army, or apologizing to the judge and the old lady.

Hmm, I don't know. I guess one person can make a difference, but most of the time they probably shouldn't. Well, uh, I guess that settles that. I'd like to alert our affiliates that we will be ending our show early tonight. join us tomorrow when our topic will be "Religion: Which is the One True Faith ?"

Any experience? Yes. I played Panicky Idiot Number Two in The Poseidon Adventure. Sorry, we're looking for more of a "duh, duh" idiot. But-- I see. Hello, Barney. Are you playing the town drunk?

It cost me 50,000 Bazooka joe comics.

And if the ref's not looking, you can kick him a couple of times. Who's gonna knock you down? No one! When are you gonna fight back? Never! What are you gonna do? - Nothin'! - That's my boy! Man, you'd never get me into a ring. Boxing causes brain damage.

just give him a day or two, and I'm sure he'll be back to his old dynamic self! Okay. Attention, H.O.-scale passengers. The dining car is closed. Root beer is still available, but the cost is now 6.50.

No lighter? Nothing? Oh! Wait. I got it. D'oh!

The year is 1939. 19-- 1939? Oh, my God! I've gone back in time! I've got to warn everybody about Hitler!

Mr. Simpson, we all have nosebleeds. Oh, for the love of-- What's wrong with this phone? It's making crazy noises. Those crazy noises are computer signals. Some guys at M.I.T. are sending us reasons why Captain Picard is better than Captain Kirk.

Oh, they drugged the tea. They knew my one weakness. Hello, Number Five. How's every little thing?

you twinkle above uS we twinkle below good morning, starshine you lead uS along You said you'd bring them peace and love, and it looks like you did it.

For once maybe someone will call me "sir" without adding, "You're making a scene."

Hey, I-- That-- Oh. Gee, I hate to let you down, Casanova, but, uh, no receipt, no return. I'll give you four bucks for it. Very well. I must hurry back to my comic book store, where I dispense the insults rather than absorb them.

Mattingly, get rid of those sideburns. What sideburns? You heard me, hippie.

Ach! Those morons make me so angry. Maybe so. But I'd appreciate it if you didn't call them morons. But they are morons. - What grown person could believe in angels? - Well, your mother, for one.

Wow. We really get to keep these fruit baskets? Well, they used to give us champagne, till somebody ruined it! Do they really think he'll do better with fruit? Ooh, Mr. Movie Star... gets to park right next to the stage. Oh. Luck of the draw, I guess.

I'm in. Let's see your cards. Oh, I was bluffing. Come to papa! Wait a minute. You have a straight flush, Homer! G'oh! You do this every time, ya-- Oh, you-- Chokin' on my own rage, here.

"Marge" is already taken? Mmm, how about "Marjorie"? Uh, sorry, ma'am. Mmm, how about "Mitzi"? Uh-uh. Uh, you can have "Nitzi." - Hmm. "Nitzi." - I'm out of here.

Uh, excuse me, Mr. Simpson. On the Itchy and Scratchy CD-ROM, is there a way to get out of the dungeon without using the wizard key? What the hell are you talking about?

No, no, Ralph. This means you're failing English. Me fail English? That's "unpossible."

Bart, I'm going to get you-- some ice cream at the store... since I'm saving so much money on diet cola.

Say your prayers, plow boy!

I'd like you to meet-- Aah! It's Sideshow Bob! What the..? I'm afraid their reaction is understandable. Bart is the shamus in short pants who sent me to prison. Your new boyfriend here framed Krusty the Clown... for armed robbery.

Wait. Rhinos don't come from eggs. What did you just see, Lisa? I know, but-- - What did you just see? - Hmph.

I call the big one Bitey.

So, what was it you wanted to tell me, son ? Oh, nothing, Pop.

But I have seen a lot of movies.

This is my real voice. I'm Leon Compowski. I'm a bricklayer from New jersey. All my life I was angry, until one day I talked like this. All of a sudden everybody was smiling at me.

I slowly learned the intricate mysteries of the alley, like where the pins go after they're knocked down.

Oh, I guess it's back to good old-fashioned voodoo. Wow! I need a drink! Come with me.

Indeed, I am. Because we all know you're a naive pawn-- puppet if you will-- of the most diabolical political genius... Springfield has ever known-- Birchibald T. Barlow!

Pretty clever! Oh, something is definitely wrong with this hallway. Come on in! It's your master bedroom! Ow! My nose! Well, I've seen about enough. So, Flanders, what do you think of the house that love built?

Go suck a Bible!

One day, my lady Selma's gonna have a star right next to mine, so watch out, Laszlo Panaflex.

You win your choice of $10,000 Or-- What's our gag prize this week, Bill? A full-grown African elephant. Well, all that money sounds mighty tempting, Marty, but I think I'm gonna have to go with the elephant.

With the sun-blocker in place and the town aghast, I was on top of the world.

Don't you ever come near my daughter again! Never have I heard such gratuitous use of the word "butt"! But-- But-- But-- But-- But-- But--

but he's not some kind of food-crazed maniac. Ah! Oh! That's raspberry.

Not a chance. No one can silence me but me! That arranged can be. Wha-- Aaah! Yes! Fight and struggle. If I know me, he won't like being kicked in the crotch.

Most folk'll never lose a toe and then again, Some folk'll Like Cletus the Slack-jawed Yokel Hey. You know what? I could call my ma while I'm up here. Hey, Ma! Get off the dang roof!

C... A... P... uh, I-- - Oh, come to bed, Homey. - Sorry, honey. I'm just a little nervous. Mmm.

How can someone with glasses that thick be so stupid? Listen, you don't have a soul, I don't have a soul. There's no such thing as a soul! Fine.

That board with the nail in it may have defeated us, but the humans won't stop there. They'll make bigger boards and bigger nails.

Smithers, where does that tube go? I'm not sure, sir. It was here when we moved in. Dance! Dance! Dance! Dance!

Sherri, Terri. The only thing sweeter than you two, are these stolen cookies. Enjoy. (BOTH GIGGLING) Thank you, Nelson. Thank you, Nelson. (SCREAMING)

But this time, he's gone too far! We want Krusty! We want Krusty! We want Krusty! Yeah, we want Krunchy! We want Krunchy!

I'm an anonymous whistle blower. I worked on a top-secret project called Operation Hoyvin-Mayvin. Professor Frink? Oh, what gave me away? Out of curiosity, was it the "hoyvin" or the "mayvin"? Or was it the whole "ga-hoyvie" thing that I do?

Testing. Testing one-tw0-three. Oh, my. Do I sound like that? Hey, it does work. I bet you could have a lot of fun with this. Why don't you go show your father? Mmm, chocolate. D'oh!

Yes. I should be-- Good Lord! What is happening in there? Aurora borealis. Uh-- Aurora borealis at this time of year... at this time of day in this part of the country... localized entirely within your kitchen? Yes. May I see it?

That's my husband! He's our husband now. Yea! I'm glad I'm back... because the moment that sweet, sweet beer hit my tongue, I was born again! Hallelujah! Now I can show all of you what I've come to realize.

I'm not looking for glory or wealth. I'm just buying that stairway to heaven Jesus sang of. That was Led Zeppelin. Get back to your bong, hippie.

Maggie, can you point to the monkey? What do babies know? Maggie, can you point to the credenza?

Dr. Zaius, Dr. Zaius Can I play the piano anymore Of course you can Well, I couldn't before Dr. Zaius, Dr. Zaius This play has everything. Oh, I love legitimate theater.

I swear, Monty. You are the devil himself.

I didn't know you, jay Leno and a monkey were bathing a clown.

Get your germ lab out of here! Now! Now! How could I not become a radical... when we were fighting a force of pure evil?

MARGE: I am so sick of that story about finding an onion ring in your French fries. It was 20 years ago. HOMER: That was my Woodstock! Oh! You know what started all this trouble? This motor home. How can a vehicle this cool destroy a marriage that crappy?

Hmm, with little tiny baby-sized gifts.

Duff wholeheartedly supports the designated driver program. Now, who wants to party?

The Itchy and Scratchy Show

- Please. - No.

Seems like I'm spending all my money on religious pay-per-view. Or, as I like to call it, "pray-per-view." Damn your sparkling wordplay! And bless your humble home.

Oh, you must be sick. Let's see. What's old Doc Washburn prescribe? Do you have dropsy? The grippe? Scrofula? The vapors? jungle rot? Dandy fever? Poor man's gout? Housemaid's knee? Climatic poopow? The staggers? Dum-dum fever?

Good Lord. I may lose Edna forever. I've got to stop her from winning. Then she'll be broken, miserable and mine.

Is that story true, Grampa? Well, most of it. I did wear a dress for a period in the '40s. Oh, they had designers then.

Thank you. Thank you.

Holy smokes! That's it! From now on, I'm thinkin', actin' and lookin' young. And I'm gonna start with a bottle of Buzz Cola. Oh! Ow! Ow! The bubbles are burning my tongue! Ow! Ooh. Water! Water!

Um, can you repeat the part of the stuff... where you said all about the... things? Uh, the things?

Okay, then. Yes. Vent the stupid gas. Aw, no! The corn! Paul Newman's gonna have my legs broke. Bart and Lisa have to go to school...

Oh, yeah. How is old Grimey? He's dead! Like you should be. Wait. Frank Grimes wasnt married. How could he have a son? He happened to like hookers, okay?

I can't promise I'll try, but I'll try to try.

Stay strong, men. The United States is due to win a war sometime. Oh, good Lord! It a Swingline! (GASPS) (SCREAMS) Medic! (GROANS) (BOTH STRAINING) Skinner!

Spring forth, burly protector, and save me!

Your Frisbee jammed the juice-ilator, Homer. Our entire shipment is ruined! Uh, uh, pretty, uh, freaky, huh? The only people who are going to be freaked out are our stockholders!

Desperate, eh? Advantage: Burns. This is my offer. You'll find it's most unfair, but those are the breaks. But this is half of what we paid you. That's my final offer. Take it or leave it.

Oh, you wanna rock fight, eh? No, Homer, I just need to talk. Okay. Be right down. I just keep replaying the whole thing in my head. I can't believe my last words to Maude were, "No foot-longs."

We're gonna start a new life under the sea.

Mmm! Now, what do you have to wash that awful taste out of my mouth? Mountain Dew or crab juice. Oh, geez! I'll take a crab juice.

I feel that you should shut up. You know, you really irritate me, Skinner. What with your store-bought haircut and excellent posture. - Mister, I can't stand the sound of your voice. - Oh, really? Oh, now, now. There's no need to resort to violence. Aw, sure there is.

At the last moment, Smithers, drunk as a lemur, lurched out of the darkness and fired! That's right. Right before I shot jasper. Hmm. I was busy that night.

You personally stand to lose 44 million dollars. Oy! Bart, from now on, the baby sleeps in the crib. Crib! Crib! I'm a baby! All right, I know how to handle this.

Well, well. Look who it is-- Mr. "I Don't Need Alcohol to Enjoy Life." We hate 'im, right, fellas? Moe, gimme a beer. Hey, everybody! Homer's back.

Mr. Tom jones. Hello, Marge.

I think my leg is broken. Slip and fall? Cant go back to work? I'm Larry H. Lawyer, Jr., and I will fight for you. I also habia espanoi So that's your answer. I'll sue the church. Homer, we cant sue the church. They'll poke fun at us in the church bulletin. It wouldnt be the first time.

Yes. Is it my imagination, or is TV getting worse? Ah, it's about the same. Uh-oh! Look out, Smithers! I love this show.

That's true, but he shouldn't say it.

Hey, Barney, am I a pig ? You're no more of a pig than I am. Oh, no ! See ? You're a pig. Barney's a pig. Larry's a pig. We're all pigs.

Mmm. That one. Someone's in here. No! No! No! Oh! - Oh, for the love of-- - Boy.

Doh ! Whoo ! Doh ! Whoo ! Doh ! Whoo ! Doh ! Whoo ! Doh ! Whoo-hoo ! Doh ! Whoo-hoo ! Doh ! Whoo-hoo ! Whoo-hoo !

Well, Seymour, it seems we put together... a baseball team, and I was wondering-- Who's on first? Yes. Not the pronoun, but rather a player... with the unlikely name of Who is on first.

It's funny because it's true.

Whoa, a badger! Sorry, man. You can't crash here. Come on, let's go. Well, boy, looks like you got yourself a roommate. Come on, Lise. There's gotta be a way to lure that badger out. Well, according to WhatBadgersEat.com,

Anyhow, i must've looked at somebody the wrong way, because the next thing i knew, i was running for my life.

Well, you are a very lucky man, Apu. You see, the bullet ricocheted off another bullet... that was lodged in your chest from a previous robbery. Apu, you saved my life. And as a small token of my appreciation, I got you your job back at the Kwik-E-Mart. Oh! Oh, Mr. Woods, you're--

Help! What do I do? Play dead! No, run around in circles! No, act like a lion! Swipe at the dominant male! Come on, Ned! Knock that monkey down!

Oh, my God. It's our high school prom-- And once again I have no date. Simpson. Hello, Dondelinger. You're not on the guest list, Simpson. Orders of prom king Ziff. And have you been drinking? Just for 25 years. Let's go, mister. Share

Which one's the mouse? Itchy. Itchy's a jerk. Yeah.

Ah, music and art. What in blazes? Good Lord! That's a 900 number. Let's see what's in the newspaper today. Hmm. Canada stalls on trade pact.

Now hold on here. I'm president ofthe Italian-American Anti-Defamation League. And this really burns my cannoli!

Not smart. Cool! Hey, When do we get the check for this? They said They changed it just enough so they don't have to pay us. Oh, You know who the real crooks are-- those sleazy Hollywood producers.

"Recipe for a free country: Mix one cup liberty with three teaspoons of justice. Add one informed electorate. Baste well with veto power." "My back is spineless. My belly is yellow. I am the American nonvoter."

but now I'm just going to be sick.

Hey, hey, hey ! Settle down, boys and girls, or Krusty will have to bring out his old friend Corporal Punishment again.

On the island We'll sex you up Island of sirens Oh, God! They're hideous! Woof! Ruff! Someone gouge my eyes! Save me from the ladies!

How can you like that guy? I don't know. Maybe 'cause he's an outlaw. You know that dead body they found behind the mayor's house? jimbo killed him? No, but he poked him with a stick. Hey, Laura, Dr. Tongue has arrived.

I'll-- Give me that. I won't let you give up now when you worked so hard-- to be the greatest pal in the world. I love you.

I'm leaving this place, and you'd better step aside. Lady, people are free to go whenever they wish.

(GRUNTS) Oh, my God, that man might be hurt! Guards, there's a prisoner in there! Nice nab, Simpson. You did the right thing squealing on that guy.

Oh, no ! Two hundred and thirty nine pounds ? I'm a whale. Why was I cursed with this weakness for snack treats ? Well, from now on, exercise every morning, Homer.

Attention, students.

You are all hereby found guilty of the crime of witchcraft. I sentence you hags to be burned at the stake... until you are deemed fit to reenter society. Fire it up, boys. Ha-ha! See you in hell, Seymour! Good-bye, Mother.

So this stuff really works? Certainly does. - Oh, well, lots of luck! - Oh!

Coming up next: Stardust Mammaries. Baby - I Ay, caramba ! Bart ! Dad ! Oh, here's what I was looking for. Blue chips closed up three and three-quarters. Oil service stocks slumped slightly on the news of--

The fingers you have used to dial are too fat. To obtain a special dialing wand, please mash the keypad with your palm now. I'm gonna have to shut it down myself! Fat, don't fail me now! D'oh!

f Ned 's Voice f Being quiet during trips... clapping with songs, and diabetes. Sounds like fun. Let's party! w'w' f Eiectronic Music]

Dad, I'll spare you the embarrassment of admitting you don't know who Sideshow Bob is. Whew! Sideshow Bob used to be Krusty the Clown's sidekick. But in 1990, he framed Krusty for armed robbery, and Bart got him put in jail. - Uh-huh. - When he got out, he married Aunt Selma...

Happy birthday ! Huh ? What ? Here's your birthday breakfast. Oh ! Isn't this nice ?

Mine tasted like strawberry. Mmm. "Ovulicious."

I'm still a little itchy from that fiberglass hay. Is there anything you need? Well, you could make my evening complete. What's wrong? My whole romantic life is flashing before my eyes.

Well, you might as well give me a ride home now. I've never gone behind Mr. Burns's back before. But Sideshow Bob's ultraconservative views-- conflict with my... choice of lifestyle.

That's because I've loaded it with sugar. Marge, our ship has come in. I found 500 pounds of sugar-- in the forest-- that I'm gonna sell directly to the consumer. And all for a low, low price of one dollar per pound. But the grocery store sells sugar for 35 cents a pound. And it doesn't have nails and broken glass in it.

Hey, pal! Did you get a load of the nerd? Pardon me?

Actually, Mom, a tweaking of Mr. Burns's foibles, if done with the greatest of care, could earn Dad a special place in the old man's heart. Well, I also do a delightful impression of him. I paint a frowny face on my butt and pull down my pants! Yeah!

the Teddy bears have their picnic.

an old man passed away

You're in big trouble, Burns. Simpson's job requires college training in nuclear physics. You get your man up to speed, or we'll be forced to take legal action. Is that so? Well, I have the feeling you'll be... dropping the charges. The painters moved your desk, sir. Oh, yes.

Enjoy the show. For one day, we shall die. Ohh! Stop! Wait! Wait! Attendez! I cannot get the lid off my jar of rainbows!

They even brought their lawyers to Thanksgiving dinner. So, uh, how's everybody doing? You don't have to answer that. Shut up, all of you, or I'll sue. Oh, save it for your next book, you little snitch. That's assault! That is assault!

The bedpan's under my pillow. Who's... Bobo, sir? Bobo? I, uh, meant Lobo. Uh, Sheriff Lobo. They never should have canceled that show. I see. On another topic, the preparations for your birthday have begun. I won't get what I really want. No one doeS.

Then me and my friend were about to press it, but the man said not to press it. But we pressed it anyway! And we ran and we hid in the Giant Tire. Oh, yeah. And my other friend was already there. All right. All right now. You're overstimulated. Let's get some beer in you, and then it's right to bed. Whoo-hoo! Beer, beer, beer! Bed, bed, bed!

Looks like we got us some intruders. Who's in there? If somebody's in here, you're in for some serious ass forkin'!

We now take you to the drawing live. I've got my tickets. They're about to start, Chief. No, you got the wrong number. This is 91-- 2.

(DISCO MUSIC PLAYING) I'm turning this disco into a hockey rink. You mean a honky rink. (SCREAMING) You know, Black Dracula is now a Congressman from Virginia.

Agh! Pull yourself together, man.

Holy macaroni! Hey, you can just suck 'em out. Hello? Can anybody hear me? Homer, where are you? Uh, I'm somewhere where I don't know where I am!

The only way to get Bart back is to kill the head vampire, Mr. Burns.

You've desecrated a classic film. This is worse than Godfather iii. Whoa. Whoa. Hey, whoa. Let's not say things we can't take back. All right, all right. I'm sorry. But this film is never going to see the light of day. Look. They're towing away a Range Rover.

and I shall tell you a tale.

Peanuts ! Peanuts !

Hello, UN Women's Conference! (EXCLAIMS) We're trapped! Lisa, we may not make it.

Kids, everything's gonna be okay! Don't panic! Just don't panic! Mom! Mom, you're stepping on my heels and knocking my shoes off! We can always get more shoes. Move, move, move! Stamp your hand for reentry.

Litter is my most treacherous foe. I would like to eat its children. So long, suckers! Ooh! My mouth. My beautiful mouth. Excellent bout. Now we go party.

Wait till he finds what I left in his birdbath. No!

Settle down, boys and girls, or Krusty will have to bring out his old friend Corporal Punishment again. Please, stop it ! Wha-- Who are you people ? What do we want ? Substantially less violence in children's programming ! When do we want it ? Now !

What about that tattoo on your chest? Doesn't it say "Die, Bart, Die"? No, that's German for-- "The Bart, The." No one who speaks German can be an evil man. Parole granted.

Unilaterally! (CARS HONKING) (ALL SCREAMING)

Well, I'm just glad you're okay. And I have something to tell you. Stop it! Come on. Let's hear that snap.

People, that was all wrong! Homer Simpson doesn't say "B'oh." He says-- "D'oh." Sorry, M.B., but I'm having trouble with this character. Is he supposed to have some kind of neurological impairment, like Rain Man or Awakenings?

No TV and no beer make Homer something something. Go crazy? Don't mind if I do!

Now, let's clear this up. Who exactly are you? Sergeant Seymour Skinner, U.S. Army. it's true. i was in his platoon. But they said you were killed on that scouting mission. No, just captured. It's kind of a funny story, really. After five years in a secret P.O.W. camp,

Into death. What? That's ridiculous. Homer's not dead. He's right out back in the hammock. Oh, Marge. Of course Homer's alive. He's alive in all our hearts. Yes, Marge. I can see him.

You promised. You can't back out like when you volunteered... for that army experiment to avoid dinner at my sisters'. Mr. Simpson, you do realize this may result in... hair loss, giddiness and the loss of equilibrium? Yeah, yeah, yeah. just give me the serum. It was worth it.

- What's the matter, boy ? - Nothing. You haven't said boo all night. Usually I have to wrestle the bucket out of your greasy mitts. Dad, I'm in love. Uh-oh ! Why don't you grab yourself a beer, boy. But, Dad, I don't drink. Cut the crap ! "I just collect the cans, Daddy." Now grab yourself a beer and get me one too.

Quit complaining, chrome dome.

Now you’re all here for one reason. To rock! Who said that? That's right, Otto. We're here to rock!

Marge, I, uh-- love you. No, that's not good. Marge, honey, I love you. Oh. Um-- Marge, I love ya, baby.

Don't worry. I brought my "Rappin' Ronnie Reagan" tape. It always makes the trip go faster. Well, well, well W-W-W-W-W-W-well, well, well You know something? He did say "well" a lot.

Welcome to your new home. Escape is impossible. My name is Cesar. This is my nephew, Ugolin. You may find life here at the chateau hard, but if you shut up and do exactly what we say, the time will pass more quickly. - He's right, you know. - Well, okay, sir.

Yo, let's waste that beeyotch! Beeyotch? Moi? Ahh! Son of a--

but those games cost up to, and including, $70.

I'd like to play me latest chart topper. It's called "Me Fans Are Stupid Pigs." Bart, you've got to go on. Slag off.

Come on, come on, come on, come on. Start, damn you! Start!

Any red-blooded, flag-feeding American would love... the M-320. Celebrate the independence of your nation by blowing up a small part of it. All right.

Uh, I bring you love. It's bringing love! Don't let it get away! Break its legs!

Nope. Cubic Diamondium?

Now go to sleep !

Prepare for the end! The end of high prices! What?

I'm sorry, little girl. We don't just put people on TV. Unless, of course, they're replying to an editorial. Uh, I am! I'm strongly opposed to... Proposition, uh, 305! You're against discount bus fares for war widows? Uh, you bet I am.

Well, well, well. Looks like a couple of punks are gonna be taking "The Last Train to Clarksville." That's the Monkees, Chief. Go wait in the car. Fine. It was the Monkees.

Look, it's the Noid. Avoid the Noid. He ruins pizzas. Hey, lady. Santa Claus is gonna be here, right? He just has to. Something tells me he is. Don't touch me! Nothing gives you that right! Say, Leeza. Do you like gingerbread? No, not really. Well, then you'll love this next float.

We know you're the one behind this, so knock it off, or we're going to the cops! No, no, I'll take care of it. Okay, it's over. Get 'em outta here! Ha! Ha! Hmm! Hmm! All right. ¡ÁNdale! ¡ÁNdale! You're out there somewhere.

I'll give him what for till he cries brassafrax!

Kids, could you lighten up a little ?

I want it. I want it. I want it! - Look! It's Lisa Lionheart! - Keep running. We're almost there.

Hey, let's all hug Apu. Aww. Ooh! Hey, there's still time. Let's hug him again. Aww. Mm!

See? And my son Bart.

We played Dungeons and Dragons for three hours. Then I was slain by an elf. Listen to yourself, man. You're hangin' with nerds. You take that back! Homer, please. These boys sound very nice, but they're clearly nerds. Really? But nerds are my mortal enemy.

Wait. I can't call Marge. It's our last day on earth together. I can't drag her into this mess. I know ! I'll call Barney !

Get your paws off me, you dirty ape!

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Rudy, my man, you're a miracle worker. Your laundry, sir. There you go. Buy yourself something nice. Thank you. Bart, are you ready to go to-- I'll room service you! Before you kill me... remember, this trip is all expenses paid.

(LAUGHING) Yes. I'm a geek.

Quack, quack, quack.

There he is! There's the man that sexually harassed me!

The Itchy and Scratchy Show Tee one up for me, cat-ty. Sure thing, mous-y. Nice follow-through.

Marge, do we have any elbow macaroni and glue-on sparkles? Oh, boy! Quittin' time!

Is there anything they won't do?

Let me just finish this last lobster tail and raspberry torte. All right, Hans, time to go. But he ate my last meal. If that's the worst thing that happens to you today, consider yourself lucky. Are you really allowed to execute people at a local jail?

- I'll get you, squealer. - Ow! Okay, that's it. On behalf of Sack Stuffers local 199, I'm callin' a strike. Strike! Strike! Strike! Strike! Strike! Strike! Oh, the bag boys are on strike.

Well, uh... Why? You haven't paid your rent. Can I at least get my stuff? All I found in there was a jar of mustard and a couple of old Cycle magazines. Wow! I had mustard?

So you want a realistic, down-to-earth show... that's completely off-the-wall and swarming with magic robots? That's right. Yeah, good. And also you should win things by watching. Huh. You kids don't know what you want. That's why you're still kids-- 'cause you're stupid!

Well, Seymour, you are an odd fellow, but I must say you steam a good ham. Help! Help!

I used to be "with it." But then they changed what "it" was. Now what I'm with isn't "it," and what's "it" seems weird and scary to me. It'll happen to you!

We'll give you a new name, a new job, new identities. Whoo! I wanna be john Elway. Elway takes the snap and runs it in for a touchdown! Thanks to Elway's patented last-second magic, the final score of Super Bowl xxx-- Denver, 7. San Francisco, 56.

Well, you've come to the right place. Buddhism teaches that suffering is caused by desire. Richard Gere?

If the students find out I'm performing at Floppy's, I'll never live it down. I won't tell if you put me on the guest list. All right. Plus one? Nae. Now I'll give you directions starting from the Simpsons' house.

you are hereby banished from the Stonecutters forever. And as a final humiliation, you must walk home naked, dragging behind you the Stone of Shame.

Good news, honey. Two weeks are up. You don't have to wear your glasses anymore. And your scalp and posture seem fine. Yes! Kids, did anyone pray for giant shoes? - I did! - Okilly-dokilly.

D'oh! Ow! My brain!

Look, everybody. I'm the same person I always was. Whoa! Hey, he's learning on his own! Get him!

Oh, it's Mr. Burns. Kill it! Kill it!

Look at me! I'm acting young! Hey. This ain't so bad.

Wow. I wish I had an elephant. You did. His name was Stampy. You loved him. Oh, yeah.

Oh, earrings! Wow! Thank you so much, Alex.

You don't have to yell, Michael. I'm all around you. Oh, no, they're headed for land. - We'll never catch 'em now. - Incorrect. Look, a canal. Go, Knightboat, go! Oh, every week there's a canal. - Or an inlet. - Or a fjord.

That is so sad. Oh, come on, honey. You know how it turns out. After all, you wouldn't be here today if I hadn't become the responsible head of a household. Can we have a can of frosting for lunch? Okay.

Huh? Oh, no. The train! D'oh! I gotta find another way to wreck Moe's car.

Who needS the kwik-e-mart

Yep. Why would that Twinkle want to go out with a Ding Dong like me? Flanders, I mix Twinkies and Ding Dongs all the time. In Europe, they call it a "Dinkie." Well, sir, that's very encouraging...

So, Simpson, which one is it ? Well, if the crime is making me laugh, they're all guilty ! No, no ! Which one is the robber ? Oh, definitely number... Simpson. Simpson ! four.

using these Lucky Charms as bait.

No thanks to you, Homer. Why, you little-- Now, Homer, please. The boy's just had a very serious operation. Oh, right.

Ahoy there, Dean. I understand you're taking suggestions from students, eh? Well, me and my fourth-form chums think it would be quite corking... if you'd sign over your oil well to the local energy concern. Mr. Burns. Bah! It was naive of you to think I would mistake this town's...

Ow, my eyeball!

And that talkin' coyote was really just a talkin' dog. Hi, Homer. Find your soul mate. Hey. Wait a minute! There's no such thing as a talkin' dog. Damn straight.

Ned Flanders is on the phone. Hello, Ned. Reverend! Emergency! I-- You see, the Simpson kids-- Eedelee-- I-- B-Baptism-- Oodelee--

I'll stop them! Oh, no! It's coming back this way! That throwing-stick stunt of yours has boomeranged on us!

I wouldn't tackle the big one right away. Oh, yeah? What do you know about it? Hmm? It's you! You're him! You're Tony Randall!

Bart, would you care to listen to me play the lute? Uh... sure. Come home, my Bonny warrior For now the nets are full O' fish... Is that tape working?

Oh, Apu, it's beautiful. Yes. This is where I come when I need some refuge from the modern world... or when I want to see drive-in movies for free. I know it is not easy to be a vegetarian, Lisa. That's why I ran away from home. What? She's leaving home? Wow! Paul McCartney!

All right, everybody stick together.

I know. Doesn't it just honk you off? Their periodic table has 250 elements. And our school board's cut us back to 16. All of them lanthanides. You know, we could get equipment like this through a bond issue. Hmm. Here's your bond issue.

Mmm. Somehow, Homer became addicted to painkillers.

I don't know, 50?

Is that a pony?

Yeah, where's your messiah now, Flanders? Ah.

Yello. Hi, Homie. I feel much better. Listen, Marge... uh... how would you feel if I told you the dog ran away?

I know I really shouldn't, but when am I gonna be here again? Whee! Well, if it isn't little-- uh, boy.

And now, it's time for Match Game 2034, with Billy Crystal, Hey! Farrah Fawcett-Majors- O'Neal-Varney, the "I didn't do it" boy, ventriloquist loni Anderson, Ooh! Spike Lee,

Ha! They're out of their minds. Oh, I heard about this. This is the one where Scratchy finally gets Itchy. Wow!

Baby, baby, baby, baby-

There goes the last lingering thread of my heterosexuality.

What's wrong? Oh, yeah, like you don't know. - We're gonna have sex. - Oh. Well, we don't have to. Yes, we do. The cookie told me so. Well, desserts aren't always right.

Hey, America, you're So fine. You're so fine, you bLow my mind. America. Well, that's very concise, but it's an insult to everything I suffered for. Now, take a seat, junior, and listen to someone... who gave their youth in service of their country.

Oh, about 40, I suppose. When are we going on the air? We're on the air now, Skeletor. What? Question two: How long is your wiener? Seriously. Great heavens! What kind of Radiola show is this? All right, how about this? When was your first gay experience? Oh, well, when I was six, my father took me on a picnic. That was a gay old time.

That's the kind of thing you should start learning at baptism. Um-- actually, you see-- we were never baptized. Oh! Neddie? Neddie!

Well, I think it's good for a show to go off the air before it becomes stale and repetitive. Maggie shot Mr. Burns again!

It's The Sou-ou-oul Mass Transit System. Give it to me. El yoyÓ es grande. ¡Ay, chihuahua! As you can see, Simpson, I have taken over all 78 channels, and you won't see any of your favorite shows again until you give in!

even the one that got cut off by the copy machine. Well, I guess I was just on a roll. Don't be so modest, Lisa. You earned that A-plus-plus-plus. Actually there are four pluses. No. That's Drambuie. Mmm! Oh, so plump and juicy.

Skinner, get off of my school! No. You get off of my school.

Well, we have an opening on the debate team. Debate, like arguing ? Yes. I'll take that, you stinkpot !

I make you lasagna. You eat it up like-a the cat in the funny papers... who's-a not so funny.

The Flaming Homer? You mean the Flaming Moe and your dad didn't invent it, you wuss. Moe the bartender did.

8:58. First time I've ever been early for work-- except for all those daylight savings days. Lousy farmers.

"The Bart, The." No one who speaks German can be an evil man.

Okay. Now, everyone take out your safety pencil and a circle of paper. This week I hope we can finish our work on the letter "A." Let me get this straight. We're behind the rest of our class, and we're going to catch up to them by going slower than they are? Cuckoo! Cuckoo! Cuckoo! Cuckoo! Cuckoo!

- Show's over, Mayor. - Look out! Give me that knife. No, it's mine. Homer. Use the for-- The Force?

Oh, don't make me choose. Shankar, Shankar-- Oh, here we go. Oh! Sorry. You Make me feel so young you make me feel so Spring has sprung

Could the delegates agree on recommendations that all Americans could support ?" We hold these truths to be self-evident... We hold these truths to be self-evident... that all men are created equal. all men are created equal. And from that equal creation they derive rights inherent and inalienable--

Whoo! Whoo! Ee-eew. Lisa, the blob has got me! Don't touch me, or it'll get you too! Dad, you have to put chlorine in the water every day to keep it clean.

Tell her you love her. I love you very much. Awww. And, uh... later tonight, I think you and I should, uh... snuggle?

I wish I was a hero. Well, wishing won't make it so. You gotta pull up your diaper, get out there... and be the best damn Barney you can be. Here I come, world!

I wonder what my life would be like if I robbed the Kwik-E-Mart. I'll do it. I'll rob the Kwik-E-Mart.

Destroy! Destroy!

That's it. I cannot work under these conditions. If anybody wants me, I'll be downstairs at McDougal's.

Now I-- I finally have time to do what I've always wanted-- write the great American novel. Mine is about a futuristic amusement park... where dinosaurs are brought to life through advanced cloning techniques. I call it Billy and the Clone-osaurus.

Dig this blender Rainbow suspenders Hey, big spender We surrender Spend Some dough at table three

(GASPS) Flanders? (GURGLING) He doesn't even know what's going on! Wait'll I tell everyone about this. I'll feel important without drinking. That'll be weird. HOMER: What a combination. Hot chicks and stupid Flanders.

(MUSIC PLAYING ON TV) ANNOUNCER: Tonight on Celebrity Chop Shop, we sell the parts off Jason Bateman's Bentley. What did you do to my car? Dude, you've been chop shopped! Why would you do that? How am I gonna get home? Chop shop! Chop shop!

Homie, maybe we should go inside. But, Marge, that little guy hasn't done anything yet. Look at him. He's gonna do something, and you know it's gonna be good. Aw.

Oh, no! We're out of gas. I couldn't figure out this stupid Italian gas gauge. I've gotta get to school! Hmm. Let's hitch a ride with that hick.

Welcome, kindergarteners. I'm Principal Sinner-- Skinner.

Sixty-three bottles of beer on the wall sixty-three bottles of beer Oh, this song is driving me crazy. B-i-n-g-o and bingo was his name-o

From now on, you'll be, uh, Homer Thompson at Terror Lake.

I want it. I want it. I want it! - Look! It's Lisa Lionheart! - Keep running. We're almost there.

Oh, hi. I'm Troy McClure. You might remember me from such self-help videos as... Smoke Yourself Thin and Get Confident, Stupid.

It's him! I bring you peace.

Safe. Safe. Razor blade. Syringe. Oh! White chocolate! Check it out, Lisa. I'm Radioactive Man. I don't think the real Radioactive Man... wears a plastic smock with a picture of himself on it. He would on Halloween.

I'll never wash this hand again. Dad, make Bart wash his hand. Sorry, Lise. I no longer control the hand. The hand controls me! Dad! Shut up, you little monsters!

They'd been given rifles, but no ammunition. Dad, look! Television! Teacher! Mother! Secret lover. Urge to kill fading.

I'm singin' in the rain Just singin' in the rain What a glorious feelin' It burns like a Glasgow bikini wax! We'd better stay inside.

Sir, if you just quiet down, I'd be happy to treat you to a garbage bag full of popcorn. Oh! This may surprise you, but you can't buy me off with food. I'm sick of all your stereotypes and cheap jokes. The overweight individuals in this country... are just as smart and talented and hardworking as everybody else. And they're gonna make their voices heard.

Wait a minute, you little cheater. You're not going anywhere until you tell me what a "kwyjibo" is. "Kwyjibo." Uh-- A big, dumb, balding, North American ape with no chin. And a short temper. I'll show you a big, dumb, balding ape ! Uh-oh. Kwyjibo on the loose.

Hey, Bart-Bart, looks like a beautiful day to swipe some "pic-i-nic" baskets. But, "Homi," Ranger Ned's not gonna like that. I'll handle Ranger Ned. After all, I'm smarter than the average bear.

Folks, our winner seems to be from Italy. I love-a you all. I use up all of my English. Grazie, Springfield! He's a phony!

Well, now for our weekly segment, "Yesterday's News," featuring Homer Simpson. Are you as bored as I am with the antics of this warmed-over Fred Flintstone? I say it's time to put this one-trick pony out to stud. Whoo-hoo! First up, Maude Flanders. - Homer! - But she said I-- Dad, what she's saying is you've had your moment in the sun,

I am glad he's gone. As am I. B'oh! It's probably my imagination, but something about them didn't seem quite right. Really? Excuse me for just a moment. People, that was all wrong!

The cafeteria staff is complaining about the mice in the kitchen. I want to hire a new staff.

I'm more worried about Al's jacket. How many stations can you get on that thing? All right. Listen. I am sick of your jokes about the wardrobe! You people can dress yourselves! Well, folks, he's got a point.

I'd like another Faberge egg, please. Sir, don't you think you've had enough? I'll tell you when I've had enough!

Bob, one of my fillings fell out. Even murder has its ugly side. Bob, would you mind rubbing my feet?

Uh, I'm happy to answer any questions you have about the alien. Any questions at all. Dr. Hibbert? Yes. Is the alien carbon-based or silicon-based? Uh, the second one. "Zilliphone." Next question. Is the alien Santa Claus? Uh, yes.

Oh, now I really think the children's appearance-- Seymour, you are in very, very big trouble. Why, looking into this loveable mutt's eyes just melts my heart. Seymour, all is forgiven. Make way for Willie!

All right. Three hours to blast my quads. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa.

Here's a float saluting the Native Americans, who taught us how to celebrate Thanksgiving. Interesting sidenote on this float: The papier-mâché is composed entirely of broken treaties. They're good sports.

the ghoulS all Came from their humble abodes to get A jolt from my electrodes they did the mash they did the monster mash the monster mash it was A graveyard smash they did the mash it Caught on in A flash

You leave Mr. Burns out of this!

synthesizing a laxative from peas and carrots; replacing my birth control pills with Tic Tacs.

Yeah, I know I'm on. But I don't care. I don't read the news until I get my Danish. Go ahead. Try to find a replacement. Aah! A powerful tidal wave in Kuala Lumpur has killed 120 people. ¡Ay, chihuahua! Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Thirteen stores that begin with "Le Sex."

Excuse me. You're doing this station all backwards. Let me show you how to do it like a man. Rainier Wolfcastle! Oh, I love your movies... and your Powersauce bars and your taught, rippling-- Hey, hey, hey. That's enough. Now step over to the Abdominator, and I will shout slogans at you.

the local guitar pickeR got his guitar-picking thumb As soon As the shareef had Cleared the square they began to wail the shareef don't like it - Shh!

Morning, Judge.

I win! This is it, baby. First thing tomorrow, we're getting a PlayStation One. Ohhh!

If you ever travel back in time, don't step on anything... because even the tiniest change... can alter the future in ways you can't imagine. Fine. As long as I stand perfectly still and don't touch anything, I won't destroy the future.

And nipple piercing. Dont worry. They're clip-ons. Behold the delightful unicorn I got at the face-painting pavilion. Dude, that was a tattoo parlor.

What's this? "Extremely high voltage." Well, I don't need safety gloves, because I'm Homer Simp--

Copy off another kid? Pay attention and take notes? Well, take note of this.

What the hell happened?

Fritz, you idiot! I didn't order a baloney sandwich! I ordered an abalone sandwich! I don't know what Mom's thinking.

You have to cut these six-pack holders up, otherwise fish get trapped in them. I see. Ha-ha!

Oh, Homey. Here the kids have a chance to see a great work of art, and instead they're home watching a cat and mouse disembowel each other. Hey, don't worry, Marge. Pretty soon, every boy and girl in Springfield Elementary School is gonna come see this thing. Really ? Why ? They're forcing 'em !

Your wife has paid your bail, Mr. Simpson-san. Thank God. Couldn't take another minute in this hellhole.

Curses. It's jammed.

Look at that comic book fellow calmly eating candy like a Spaniard. Time for monkey to shine. I'd like to buy a mint condition Spider-Man number one, please. And I'd like an hour on the holodeck with Seven of Nine.

I've been everywhere, man I've been everywhere Travel, I've done my share, man I've been everywhere I've been to Springfield, Shelbyville, Ogdenville Cap City, Ogdenberg, Shelbytown, Spring City Capfield, West Springfield, Paris, Rome And Shelbyville adjacent... Sing it, baby! Whoo! That's a lot of places. Whoo-ee! Oh, yeah!

Now I can't stand in line anymore. Bart Simpson, creative genius? What's it to ya? I'm from the Internet. We'd like to turn Angry Dad into an animated series. Wow! Angry Dad-- an Internet cartoon. I'll be in cyberspace next to the Nabisco Cookie Web site!

That figures. Come on, you stupid dog.

Ah, somebody's a Grumpy Gus. What-- Oh! Oh. Yoink. Ah, for cryin' out loud.

Gee, your station has a lot of problems. Tell me about it. just look at our morning guy. Hello. This is Moleman in the Morning. Good Moleman to you. Today, part four of our series... of the agonizing pain in which I live every day.

Why, " my best friend- f Homer's Voice] Maggie. Huh? - Bad news, Sheriff- - f Homer's Voice f Lisa Simpson. - Some Indians took all the- - f Homer's Voice] McNuggets. Mmm, McNuggets. f Sia vering f

I did it. I walked all the way to Moe's from my house. Way to go, Dad.

No children have ever meddled with the Republican Party and lived to tell about it.

Help me! Help me!

BOTH: Skyrockets in flight, afternoon delight Rub-a-dub-dub, I'm washing the flub (ROARING) Oh, my God! Lenny! Carl! Bart! ALL: Rubbing sticks and stones together Makes the sparks ignite

Get back here, boy. You're a disgrace to this family, and its proud naval tradition. Well, I'm keeping this earring, and you can't stop me!

bald as a cue ball, ten years on the same job... for the same salary. But today, as I leave for Capital City, I consider myself... the luckiest mascot... on the face of the earth.

Oh, not in Utica. No. It's an Albany expression. I see. You know, these hamburgers are quite similar to the ones they have at Krusty Burger. Oh, no. Patented Skinner burgers. Old family recipe. For steamed hams.

This is the happiest day of my life-- Hi-yi-ya! Got it! No shock for me! Oh, yeah? Whoa!

Dad, did you read all these books today? Everything from Hop on Pop to Death Be Not Proud. It's so tragic the way they hopped on Pop.

Yeah, it's for all your charity work and, um, for, uh, you know, teaching us, um, to love again. Really? I did that? How the hell should I know? just get in the cage. What-- Oh. Hazing the new guy, eh? You know, when I was dubbed Sir Elton, the queen paddled me silly.

Smithers, use the amnesia ray. You mean, the revolver, sir? Precisely. Be sure to wipe your own memory clear when you're finished.

Yes, ma'am. I'd like to return to your wonderful Sunday school, please. Uh, but, Bart, we banned you from Sunday school. You were happy. We were happy. Everybody was happy, particularly the hamster. I've changed my ways.

Marge? Hey! Smithers, I don't want that unpredictable lunatic working in my casino. Fine. We'll transfer him to the nuclear plant, sir. Oh, my beloved plant. How I miss her. Bah! To hell with this! Get my razor! Draw a bath!

I can't believe we're going to the People's Choice Awards! And tomorrow the Daytime Emmys. Oh, it's Burt Reynolds and Michael Jeter! Could an Evening Shade reunion be in the works? There's Shannen Doherty.

Hey, Barney, what'll it be? I'd like a beer, Moe. I'd like a single plum floating in perfume, served in a man's hat.

Safe! Wow. My first home run. That's my boy. Come on. Hug me. Cobras! Cobras!

Say I want that bowl of dip. - Why, you'd have to get up! - Oh? Sir, I am in your debt. Use it wisely, my friend.

jump with all your might. Ahh-- Oh, no. Willy didn't make it! And he crushed our boy! - Ugh! What a mess. - Oh!

This is for your show's slight decline in quality over the years! KENT: In an attempt to curb copycat pie-ings, the police have organized a pie-for-guns exchange. The pies were immediately detonated by the bomb squad. (EXPLODING) Aw! Those poor innocent pies. Some days you just don't want to be a cop, you know?

"Slow." They called you "slow"! How dare you call me that? I-- Huh?

I'll be blunt. Bart's latest escapade... goes far beyond the realm of the high jink. There. Now the floor is as good as new. My sport goggles! Your son is a ravenous demon, relentlessly gnawing at all that's good and true. Yeah, he's something else, all right.

Dad! Those all come from the same animal! Oh, yeah, right, Lisa. A wonderful, magical animal.

Please go to sleep.

Kent Brockman is not the kind of man who would leave a $500,000-a-year job because he won a lottery. I'm a journalist. He's got all the money in the world but there's one thing he can't buy. What's that? A dinosaur. I'm not the only one benefiting from last week's big payoff.

Man alive, there are men alive in here. I'm detecting over 20 different toxins in the air. All right, everybody out! As long as Burns is pumping oil, this bar is closed. Damn Burns. Lemme just get one thing. Me too.

Uh-- Coming! Ohh. Well, it looks like it's just you and me, Barty boy. Great. I get to spend the summer with my brain.

Didn't graduate? How low can you get? Barney, where's your cummerbund? It fell in the toilet.

At last the world is safe,

Earth is now ripe for the plucking.

You mean like when you hid inside the conga drum to scare Ricky? Hey! Stay away from the drums! That's my bit. I got it. Here's what you do. Wait until they fall asleep. Then you sneak into their rooms and make sure they're fast asleep because--

Just saying it makes my butt feel warm again. (GASPS) Arrowheads! (GASPS) Pictographs! Bart, this is a Native American burial mound. (LAUGHS) Look! He's picking his nose. (CHUCKLING) Hey, we shouldn't tell anyone we were here.

Uh, I'm gonna give this to you. - Good move. - Give me 10 rings. Lookee, lookee. Hey, hey. Wocka, wocka. i got rings and you want 'em. Win a genuine Ronex watch just like a real movie star. Hey, there's a sucker.

Sir, it is not safe to use electronic devices yet. You're the waitress. Turn it back on! Turn it back on! Ooh. I never knew jim Belushi made so many movies.

I, uh, stand corrected.

Okay, okay. Hold on. Hold on. I smell marijuana smoke. That better be medicinal! If Phish don't see a prescription slip, we are outta here. We can wait all night, people. Here we go. Whoa! This guy is seriously ill.

Hey, Willie, catch the football! All right, I'll-- Ahh.

Homer kept saying he could do a more realistic family show. Finally, I said, "So do it. Either or get off the pot." And he did.

O Canada Order. Order. Do you kids want to be like the real U.N., or do you just want to squabble and waste time?

Holy cow, you're as big as a house! Homer, come home with me. No, Marge, I can't. I mean, look at me. I'm a trainee. They won't even tell me what's in the secret sauce. And I can't buy you a decent wedding ring.

Don't you think those youngsters deserve a regulation tetherball? Ow! Ohh! We can buy real periodic tables... instead of these promotional ones from Oscar Mayer. Who can tell me the atomic weight of "balonium?" Ooh. "Dee-licious"? Correct. I would also accept "snack-tacular."

They're heading for the old mill. No, we're not. Well, let's go to the old mill anyway, get some cider. That's a good idea. Let's get some cider.

Lousy chub night. Hey, how come he gets meat and we don't? You wouldn't want what he's eating. It's mostly snouts and entrails. Mmm... snouts.

Oh. Well, you still have Lenny and Carl. Oh, Lenny and Carl suck! Please don't tell Lenny and Carl I said that, 'cause if I ever lost 'em as friends--

The Squidport, the old monorail-- The Play-Doh factory. Crescent moon! Crescent moon! Come on, Springfield. Sparkle for me, baby.

Now, I'll tell you-- that doesn't make a lick of sense! I know. just get on the bus.

if you got rid of the talking pie. What, are you crazy? It's a buddy picture. Without the pie, it would just be me on screen for two hours. Oh, yeah, and you'd hate that. No, no, no. You can't lose the pie. The pie is your heart.

Uh, Brooks, Groening, Simon, you're all cut.

Question mark. Smiley face. Next. Wait a minute. It says here you're single. Did I do wrong?

Five, four, three, two--

It's small and it's smelly, but it should carry both of us to-- Whoo-hoo! That-That's the third time that's happened! Oh, no! An anti-escape orb!

Hey. Homer, did you just call everyone "chicken"? No. I swear on this Bible. That's not a Bible. That's a book of carpet samples. Ooh, fuzzy.

- My name's Thelonious. - As in Monk?

Oh, the Simpsons. Well, they're not getting back in here.

No, Homer. Let's do it. Let's call room service!

All right, I'm in charge here. Oh, run along, Quimby. I think they're dedicating a phone booth somewhere. Watch it, you talking tub of donut batter.

- f Bats Voice] Wake up, Dad. - [Homer's Voice f Huh? What?

Mom, I don't feel so good. What is it, honey? My tummy really hurts.

Oh! That was a real horn-honker! Let's see it. Now! Do it! Oh! DO it! Hot dogs Armour hot dogs Sing it like you mean it!

What do you call it? It's called a Flaming... ...Moe! It's called a Flaming Moe. That's right, a Flaming Moe. My name is Moe, and I invented it.

Uh, that's pretty dumb, but, uh-- Extended warranty? How can I lose? Perfect. Sweetheart, a missing crayon could be anywhere. Who wants lottery tickets? Okay. It's in his brain.

- Yes. - Oh. ¡Aye carumba! You know, I don't think I remember. But the story of Lisa's first word is very cute. Tell it, Mom. Yeah, tell it, Mom. Well, this story begins in that unforgettable spring of 1983.

For I am the Pie Man!

Mountain Dew or crab juice. Oh, geez! I'll take a crab juice.

Aurora borealis. Uh-- Aurora borealis at this time of year... at this time of day in this part of the country... localized entirely within your kitchen? Yes.

It's the Simpson family smile-time variety hour

Milhouse to Bart. Milhouse to Bart. Please don't hate me. Please?

May I have this dance ? Sure. Whoa !

Dad. Dad? - You really wanna get rid of this trampoline? - Uh-huh. Observe. A bike lock. Now just turn around and count to three.

Cool, man. A media circus. Absolutely not.

Ow! Not the pointed end, you dumb-ass! Reinforcements! Tanks? Oh, this is just too inaccurate.

You didn't feel for him either, you big fat phony. Bart, look up here. This is where the tears would be if I could cry. But I can't. Botched face-lift. You could learn a lot from him, Maryann. It's Lisa. Maryann's better. They want cheap sentiment? I'll pump 'em so full of sap,

Duff beer For me duff beer For you i'll have A duff you have one too Bart! Lisa!

I hope you're happy, kid. The studio's bankrupt.

We're number one! We're number one!

Free mouthwash! Free shampoo! Free shower curtain! Free shower curtain! Mindy? Homer? Wow. If it weren't for this wall, we'd be sleeping in the same bed.

You weren't complaining when I got you this close to Chachi. What's a Chachi?

Hmm. I don't think they're giving enough information, Dad. I'll figure it out. I'm gonna use all the power of my brain.

and this cute little cuddle-bug is pancreatic cancer. Here's what happens when they all try to get through the door at once. Move it, chowderhead! We call it Three Stooges syndrome. So what you're saying is I'm indestructible.

That was a right pretty speech, sir. But I ask you, what is a contract? Webster's defines it as "an agreement under the law which is unbreakable." "Which is unbreakable"! Excuse me. I must use the restroom.

Oh, no. Krusty!

We gotta kick one person out. Someone who’s alone, already bitter. Someone whose feelings have been trampled on so many times, one more wont make any- Oh, Moe. Yeah, that's me, all right.

Pi is exactly three! Very sorry that it had to come to that, but... now that I have your attention, we have some exciting new research from young Lisa Simpson. Let's bring her out and pay attention. - She's just a little girl. - In the larval stage. - Silly. Let's not listen.

And... make yourselves at home. Hear that, Dad ? You can lie around in your underwear and scratch yourself.

Hey, Bill and Marty here. And we're rapping with the Tap. Fellas, this phrase has dogged you throughout your career-- "Washed up." Yet you're among the top 105 concert acts today. What's your secret, guys?

But he's your boss. Do you have to mail it right this minute ? Yup. You're still angry, Homer. Why don't you sleep on it ? Forget it, Marge. Hmph. Please, Homey. For me ? Oh, all right. You always do that hand thing.

my son, Barney! I used to be a fat, disgusting slob. That medicine seems to be givin' your son a lot of gas. I assure you his belching is the result of an unrelated alcohol problem.

"Can I Borrow a Feeling?" "Can I Borrow a Feeling?" It's your picture on the front. - Go ahead, Homer. Laugh at me. - I already did.

So, where can we shoot this picture?

The Simpsons (TIRES SCREECHING) D'oh! (SCREAMS) (BRAKES SCREECHING) (ALL SCREAMING)

Yes, welcome. What a lovely home. Oh, you are too kind, Marge. I am sure you have noticed the many small imperfections that fill me with shame.

was shot, following a tense confrontation at town hall. Burns was rushed to a nearby hospital, where he was pronounced dead. He was then transferred to a better hospital, where doctors upgraded his condition to alive.

No, that's not good. Marge, honey, I love you. Oh. Um-- Marge, I love ya, baby. Marge, sweetie, "hooney," honey-- Ah, this'll never work.

Mom, you said I could have one souvenir, right? Well, I want a didgeridoo. That seems very noisy and expensive for a souvenir. Why don't you get this nice cap? It's clever, just like you.

Uh, there's Chiquita. That's Del Monte. There's a Banan Co. Gorilla's Choice. Hmm. Now, uh, everyone follow me to my chair, where I just need to get off of my feet for a few minutes. Oh, I won't be getting up soon.

Geronimo! (LAUGHING) Look. We can go inside. Ooh! We're like Howard Carter discovering the Temple of Tutankhamen.

Yes, I'm Stuck in the middle with you and I'm wondering what it is I should do - It's so hard to keep the smile Yeah! From my face Losing control, yeah I'm all over the place What I'm trying to say in this cartoon... is that violence is everywhere in our society--

As long as he's got eight fingers and eight toes, he's fine by me. Oh, Bart! Daddy's little angel. Ah! Why, you little..! He did that on purpose! How could he? He's only ten minutes old.

Come on, Lisa. Watch a little cable with us. Oh, it won't cost you a thing... except your soul ! What's gotten into Lisa ? Beats the hell outta me.

But between those kids and going to Uncle Tyrone's, we can't be alone. We're alone now. BART: You're never alone in this crap shack! Why, you little... (BART CHOKING)

just tell me you're sorry ! Why should I ?

And who's selling the uranium to the terrorists? Mmm. Mm-hmm. Montgomery Burns. Now we wait. Let go of me! I'm innocent! Whoa, he's in trouble.

Everything's a rave. "Nine thumbs up"? What the hell is that? I've given out my share of bad reviews.

jump with all your might. Ahh-- Oh, no. Willy didn't make it! And he crushed our boy! - Ugh! What a mess. - Oh! I don't like this new director's cut.

Men. Boo! Canceled. The safe baby craze.

Maybe I should have taken a nice calligraphy class.

Which way does the water turn in your toilet?

(SCREAMS) (SCRATCHY GRUNTING) (SIGHS) (GROANING)

Thank you, Bart.

Hello, Homer ? Woo-hoo ! It's Dad ! Dad's on the phone ! He's calling me !

Wow! Yes. You have very lucky dishes, Mr. Simpson. This soap is from the sacred forest of Hokkaido, renowned for its countless soap factories. Hokkaido, eh? See, all along, I've been telling Carl I'm married to a beauty queen. Now he's coming over for dinner.

I say we set fire to the house. Kill 'em that way. We don't wanna kill them, Bart. We just want our home back. Well, if we did set fire to the house-- No fires! I've got it! No fires! Oh.

J; Now, a guitar has many, many nicknames: an ax, a gitbox- I guess that's it. Anyway, we're gonna start with the fundamentals: playing a burning guitar with your teeth.

"We the purple"? What the hell was that? Are you a professional writer? Mm-mmm. Are you interested in politics or government? I don't know. Are you interested in anything? I don't know. - Could you touch your nose for me? Hmm. - Mm. Hmm.

Worker and Parasite!

How much is this free resort weekend? It's free. And when is this weekend? It's this weekend. Uh-huh. And how much does it cost? - Um, it's free. - I see. And when is it? It's this weekend. And what are you charging for this free weekend?

Hey! Then I could follow my dream-- living in the woods and keeping a journal of my thoughts. March 15th. I wish I brought a TV. Oh, God, how I miss TV.

Ooh! I'm burning up here! Taking advantage of my alcohol-soaked clothes. Oh, it's funny, and it makes you think. Oh, I need some coffee before I black out. Homer, pass me the sugar. This is gonna be great.

Well, he framed me for armed robbery. But, man, I'm aching for that upper-class tax cut.

"Burkina Faso"? "Disputed Zone"? Who called all these weird places? Quiet. It might be you. I can't remember. No, I'm gonna ask Marge! No! No! Why embarrass us both? just write a check and I'll release some more endorphins. Ahh.

uh, where do you want the Fudge Mahal?

Aren't there any evil movies on? Maybe something about an evil island? There's something really different about you, Dad. - I am a new tie wearing. - Oh, yeah.

Then let's keep dancing I can't remember the last time Dad sang us a torch song. Yeah! Homer, I thought you were only gonna do this day care thing... till your knee was better. Yes. But then I discovered the joys of raising children.

Now we don't want to kill him.

In the net, right? Some party, Homer. Shut up, net-face. - Hey, you're in the net too. - I said, "Shut up, net-face"!

Tell you what, Mr. Murdoch. Let's just split the difference. The boys and I will just crouch here quietly and take it easy on the snacks-- Silence! Seize them! Oi, oi, oi, oi, oi!

Then the calls began. Well, I-- I think I may be coveting my own wife. I'm meek, but I could probably stand to be meeker. I-i-i think I swallowed a toothpick! Finally, I just stopped caring.

Oh, Otto. Of course my answer is-- Oooh, wait, wait, wait, wait. This solo is kick-ass! Honey, could you turn it down? Okay. But this better be worth it. Yes, I will marry you. Cool.

Bart, why are you doing that? Our class is making refreshments for Skinner's party. These are in honor of his army days. That explains the flags. - What about the dog food? - My theory is Skinner likes dog food. Let's bake him a cake.

One betting disk, please. "One betting disk, please."

- Rod, go get Daddy his buryin' shovel. - Yea! You sure buried him deep, Daddy. Not so deep the Lord can't find him... and judge him. This is the best birthday I ever had.

It's breathtaking. Look. There's the Imperial Gardens. The Meiji Shrine. The Hello Kitty factory.

Our last bachelor likes women who take their clothes off for money. Let's hear it for Moe! Why do we have to stand here? This is so humiliatin'.

And I spent so much time building that trophy case.

Good grief. This candy's terrible! Circus peanuts, raisins, nicotine gum, a library card? You got all the good stuff. And yet I'm still not satisfied.

Whoa, ho. Loggins and Oates. And it's free. I've never heard of these bands, Mom. - What kind of music do they play? - Crap-Rock? No. Wuss-Rock? That's it.

Yeah, way to play the boss's head like a bongo, Homer. He's getting a pretty good sound out of that guy. And-- That's for employing me for eight years! Ha-ha!

Homer, you already dialed.

Hey, guys. This butt's for you. Oh, no!

Then why did you put yours in the window? Arr, it covered up the "D" from the health inspector. Well, I say we ban Homer from our restaurants. No. That would be impolite. I say we kill him! Now, hold on a minute. Are we restauranteurs, or are we murderers?

A man who's not afraid to cry. Hey, Ned! So that's why you maced me. Yeah. Ned does everything with class. Whether he's punching in his A.T.M. code... or keeping clean in the shower. Homer! But don't take my word for it.

Hey, if you want wild bears eating your children... and scaring away your salmon, that's your business. But I'm not gonna take it! Who's with me? I am! I am! We're here! We're queer! We don't want any more bears! We're here! We're queer! We don't want any more bears!

I've argued in front of every judge in the state, often as a lawyer.

where I will eat naught but burning-hot coals... and drink naught but burning-hot cola. Where fiery demons will punch me in the back, where my soul will be chopped into confetti... and strewn upon a parade of murderers and single mothers, where my tongue will be torn out by ravenous birds.

I was trying to punish him exactly like you would. So, in a way, you really dropped the ball on this one. This is your mess, and I'll be damned if I'm gonna clean it up.

I don't know what's happening. It seems our profits have dropped 37%. I'm afraid we have a bad image, sir. Market research shows people see you as something of an ogre. I ought to club them and eat their bones! Well, maybe this film festival could help us. A film biography might let them get to know the real you-- virtuous, heroic, nubile--

I mean, whatever doesn't kill me can only make me stronger. Oh, no. Quite the opposite. It's made you weak as a kitten. Look! Hey, come on. Quit it.

Manjula, come quick! The octuplets said their first words. Mommy-- Will-- - You-- - Let-- - Daddy-- - Come-- - Back? - Cookie!

Okay, okay. Don't panic. Maybe they'll tire themselves out with their chant. (SHRIEKS) I call the balls of his feet! (ALL SHOUTING ANGRILY) Marge, they're gonna kill me!

Mr. Burns was the closest thing I ever had to a... friend. But he fired me. Now I spend my days drinking cheap scotch and watching Comedy Central. Oh, dear God!

P lay us some" _ pian-ee " J; That's piano! I said "pian-eel" J; You, play the "cell-ee"l

Zeppelin rules!

Get off! Get off!

Hey, that got her goin' ! Bitchin' ! Bart ! You don't even care ! You don't even care !

Homer, let him deliver the baby! Homey, isn't he beautiful? As long as he's got eight fingers and eight toes, he's fine by me. Oh, Bart! Daddy's little angel. Ah! Why, you little..!

That was an episode of Columbo, Chief.

Your friendship during this difficult time will not be forgotten. However, I've decided to return to the only thing besides school... that has ever given my life meaning-- I've reenlisted in the United States Army. Sincerely, Sergeant Seymour Skinner.

Hostess Twinkies? I heard if you age them for 10 years, they turn to liquor. Kids, go ride bikes for a while, huh? Yeah, you heard your mother.

Where were you planning to keep this horse? I've got it figured out. By day, it will roam free around the neighborhood and at night, it will nestle snugly between the cars in our garage. Dad, no!

We cant tickle Elmo no more. Coochie, coochie coo! - No means no for Eimoi - Ow!

They'd been given rifles, but no ammunition. Dad, look! Television! Teacher! Mother! Secret lover.

What if something goes wrong? What if? What if I'm taking a shower and I slip on a bar of soap? Oh, my God, I'd be killed! It frightens me that you want to work on something that's so unsafe. We monorail conductors are a crazy breed, half in love with death, gobbling up danger like ordinary men eat peanuts.

guyS and dolls we're jusT A bunch of crazy guys and dolls oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah I want the mayor dead. I want his wife dead.

Brought to you by--

It's hard to see what's going on. I can only make out the fat soldiers. All right, children, switch. Hey, they're trying to learn for free! Get 'em! Use your phony guns as clubs! Run, children!

Well, well, what have we here? Inspector, you've caught the villain! But what are you doing in an opium den? It's the only way I can get Ralphie to go to sleep. I can make opi-ohs! Well, Dr. Bartley, another mystery well solved.

I'm so funny. This is gonna be great. What are you doing? I'm writing a delicious send-up of Mr. Burns for his birthday party. Is "poo poo" one word or two? I don't think it's a good idea to humiliate your boss on his birthday.

Ooh, sorry. Uh, we don't normally drive these in the Air Force. Gotcha! Ya TV-hatin' mutant. What is your major malfunction, Sideshow Bob? Oh, my little sugar bun.

Baby. Baby. Pirate? No, no, wait a minute! - Pirates are wild! - We are pregnant!

Yes ! Whoa ! Hmm. Provocative, but, uh, powerful. He's bad, but he'll die, so I like it. Hmm. Marge, a word, please.

Not since this reporter's marriage to Stephanie the weather lady... has this town been so consumed with rumor and innuendo. All because of this man. Today, one Abraham "Grampa" Simpson... announced that he would give away over $100,000...

But what can I do? I'm just-- one-- one man. I think we should call a town meeting.

And why are the kids here? Because we couldn't find Grampa to sit for them. And why is Grampa here? 'Cause jasper didn't wanna come by himself. Fair enough. Hello, beautiful! In your dreams. We'll see about that.

Okay, gentlemen, I want you to raise your hand when you hear the tone. You can't tell me what to do. Nothing yet.

Okay, Son. Just remember to have fun out there today.

"Food hygienically stored?" Only one way to find out. Mmm, mmm, mmm. (GAGGING) Oh, my God, he's dead.

Oh, yeah. And I'm not easily impressed. Wow! A blue car!

I got family here from around the globe. Here's josÉ Flanders. Buenos ding-dong-diddly-dÍas, seÑor. - And this is Lord Thistlewick Flanders. - Charmed. Eh, a-googilly-doogilly.

You haven't seen the best part. I couldn't watch your demonstration of the fish caught in the plastic rings... without getting an idea. Look out over the water.

Hmm. First they hate each other. Now all of a sudden they love each other. Oh, it doesn't make any sense to me. Of course not. You're a robot.

Dad, it's in there again! No! It's stuck on my hand!

We believe that God's last prophet, Bart Simpson, preached a message of tolerance and love. We believe the holy Bartman preached a message of understanding and peace before he was betrayed by his follower, Milhouse, and pulled apart by snowmobiles until he died.

Oh, you did the right thing, sweetheart. Well, that's the first case I've ever seen... of a man suffering four simultaneous heart attacks. I'm sorry, Dad. It's all right. I understand.

Prithee, tell me thou art not a Sodomite.

Marge, my darling, I want you to meet with me again, That doesn't shock me. away from prying eyes, away from the Helens of the world, at my apartment-- the Fiesta Terrace.

What a wingding ! This is much better... than my girlfriend's birthday party ! Homer ? Bart, get out and push. Yeah, Bart. Get out and push. No way, jose. Okay, we've seen a lion. Can we go now ?

"Would Jesus microwave a burrito so hot... that he himself could not eat it?"

That's what happens when you don't tip your letter carrier at Christmas. Yes, I'd like to send this letter to the Prussian consulate in Siam by aeromail. Am I too late for the 4:30 autogiro? Um, better look in the manual. Ignorance. Wait a minute. I know that woman.

I feel like chicken tonight Like chicken tonight Like chicken tonight

All right, stick it to the man.

(SIREN BLARING)

Oh, my God! What's happening now? We work hard. We play hard. Everybody dance nOw oh! Everybody dance now

Look, Smithers. A creature of pure malevolence. He's the perfect one to suckle at my proverbial teat. You there, boy! What day is this? Today, sir? Why, it's Christmas Day. - I was talking to him. You, what day is this? - Huh? I'll tell you what day it is.

It's dying down. All clear, everyone! Dad, no! This may just be the eye of the hurricane. Relax. Can't you see how eerily calm it is? See? I told you it was over. Hmm.

Azaria and Shearer, you're cut. Firestone, you're cut. So is judge. Namath, you stay. All of those people are cut. Bill Schultz and Wolf and Silverman. Goldreyer. O'Brien, Doyle, Selman, I don't know what you-- Elliott, I-- I don't know what you're doing here because you're all cut.

Oh, General Gao, you were a bloodthirsty fool, but your chicken is delectable. This cookie feels heavy, as if there's some paper inside.

Oh, Ned, I am so sorry. I never knew you were such a Beatles fan. Of course I am! They were bigger than Jesus.

- You grabbed me in the car! - Oh, that. No, I was just grabbing a gummi Venus de Milo that got stuck to your pants. Yeah, right. That's the oldest excuse in the book. Come on. I'm a decent guy.

Bikini girls. Hmm?

jump, boy! I got you! I'm coming! Now you, boy.

I don't wanna go. So if he asks me to go, I'll just say yes. Wait! Are you sure that's how this sort of thing works? Shut up, brain, or I'll stab you with a Q-tip.

Hammocks! Get your hammocks!

Now, when I say, "Hello, Mr. Thompson"... and press down on your foot, you smile and nod. No problem. Hello, Mr. Thompson.

Caramels. Waffle batter. Liquid smoke. Oooh, waffle runoff.

ANNOUNCER: Welcome back to Promiscuous Idiots Island on Fox, the home of Promiscuous Idiots. Last week on PII, our billionaire bachelor gave five lovely ladies a rose of continuation. And he hurled a rock of rejection at anyone displaying intelligence, character, or ethnicity.

by order of the prophet we Ban that boogie sound degenerate the faithful with that crazy casbah sound but the Bedouin, they brought out the electric camel drum

Lousy "Smarch" weather. "Do not touch Willie." Good advice.

Good afternoon and welcome to the Do What You Feel Festival. By the way, this young lady is not my wife, but I am sleeping with her. I'm telling you this because I'm comfortable with my womanizing. Yea! Arr! And now to usher in this new era of feeling good... here's the, uh, Godfather of Soul, james Brown.

If he marries your mother, Marge, we'll be brother and sister! And then our kids, they'll be horrible freaks... with pink skin, no overbites and five fingers on each hand!

down mexico way

Are you really allowed to execute people at a local jail? From this point on, no talking.

You're goin' down, Homer. I'm gonna fool you. You talk better than you fool. I'll fool you up real nice.

Hey, children! Meet me, Sideshow Cecil!

Oh, everybody says that when they hear themselves on tape.

Bob? I know you’re enjoying fall preview week... but I was wondering if youve made any progress towards finding Homer's killer. No, I havent Go ahead, shock me. Well, just a little one. Homer, it-it's stuck.

Hey, this stupid machine took my money! Don't ever change. - Sparkle, sparkle. - Bart! - Pinhole leak! - Dad? The earring could plug the hole. I'll plug your hole!

Hola, senor. We are gringos who wish to spend mucho dinero in your country.

Our first Springfield Pride Award goes to a local legend-- a man who brings laughter and joy... to the children of Springfield. With his big, red nose and baggy pants. Krusty the Clown! Hey, hey! What?

Nothing good has ever come out of New York City. "Dear motorist, Your vehicle is illegally parked in the borough of Manhattan." My vehicle!

I don't even like macaroni salad, but look at me! Please help us. Our island has not been this damaged since the A-bomb tests.

Ah, no problem, guys. The important thing is that we wrapped up all the loose ends. So, in conclusion, good luck on tomorrow's big final exam.

but it Could have been worse

Hey, shut up! Mmm! Unprocessed fish sticks.

Do I detect a note of sarcasm? Are you kidding me? This baby is off the charts. Oh, a sarcasm detector. That's a real useful invention.

You honor us. Don't patronize me. Now, Simpson family, have you picked a wish? Well, I haven't talked it over with the family-- but I think we'd all like a free dinner at Americatown. No, no, no. We want plane tickets home to Springfield.

Hmm? Sir, I represent the estate of Charles Chaplin. I have a court order demanding an immediate halt... to this unauthorized imitation. Boys!

Check for millipedes.

- Hello? - Hello. This is a phone survey. lfthe election were held today... would you vote for "A," the cops are there... or "B," you’re free to talk? Uh, "A." And I'd like to add... that Proposition "Hug Lisa For Me”...

That Homer fella grifted you good, Dad. Well, there's no shame in bein' beaten by the best. But he didn't seem all that-- We were beaten by the best, boy.

Oh, sorry, I must have the wrong house. That's where you're wrong, friend. Today's our tithe day and we've got ourselves a transient.

As chairman of the P.T.A., I am de-didilly-lighted to take over, and I think I can put the "pal" back in principal. Yeah, and I'll put the "super" back in superintendent. It's the same exact joke. What gives, Leo?

- Ralph, I thought you were dead. - Nope!

Stuff starts disappearing--

I'm sorry we had such a terrible fight.

Roger Corman's Titanic.

I'm not a state! I'm a monster! No, Lisa. The only monster here is the gambling monster... that has enslaved your mother! I call him Gamblor! And it's time to snatch your mother from his neon claws!

It's delicious. Want to try? Yea! Ooh! So cold. Wow! Pink daggers! - Green hatchets! - Yellow ice picks!

Sorry, girl. I don't wanna get in any more trouble down here. I'll pick you up on the way home.

Um, ma'am, what if you're a really good person, but you're in a really, really bad fight... and your leg gets gangrene, and it has to be amputated, Will it be waiting for you in heaven ? For the last time, Bart, yes !

If you're Saved and you know it clap your hands if you're saved and you know it clap your handS Oh, great. Christians. Attention, passengers. Dinner is now being served in the dining car.

It'll follow me to the ends of the earth! All right! My bumper fell off! Not my fault. Act of God, act of God. Uh-oh. Uh--

Look, Marge, honey, baby, doll, I-- Homer, I don't even want to look at you right now. What are you saying, honey ? But where will I sleep ? My suggestion... is for you to sleep in the filth you created. Would a motel be okay ?

Football in the Groin! Football in the Groin!

J Her heart was as big as his stomach was large; J Oh, yeah, they say love goes on J J Long after the grilled cheese sandwich is gone JJ It would take a man of stone with a funny bone of steel to resist that.

Why do you think I took you to all those Police Academy movies? For fun? Well, I didn't hear anybody laughing! Did you? Except at that guy who made sound effects. Honk, honk!

"F," "L"-- Oh, no. I'm sorry. That's a "C," isn't it ? If that was an oncoming vehicle, you'd be dead now. Next ! But, uh-- But driving is my livelihood. Oh, take it like a man.

At least let's have a civilized conversation, shall we? Lisa, how was school? How was what? What? - School! School! - It's not time for school. I know it's not time-- I'm going into the dining room to have a conversation.

Ah! Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah! You idiot! You nearly drank a beaker full of sulfuric acid. Acid, eh? Gee. That would have been stupid.

Nobody snuggles with Max Power. You strap yourself in and feel the G's! Oh, Lord! And it doesn't stop in the bedroom. Oh, no. I'm taking charge. Kids, there's three ways to do things-- the right way, the wrong way and the Max Power way. Isn't that the wrong way? Yeah, but faster!

This cross-country flight from the law would be hell if we didn't stick together. Hey. Friends stick together. It's amazing how through all this adversity, we managed to stick together. If there's one thing decent folk do, it's stick together. I hate it when the waffles stick together. Sticking together is what good waffles do.

It's whisper quiet! You got all that from one bag of oranges? That's right. Order now and you'll also get Sun 'n' Run, the suntan lotion that's also a laxative.

Lisa, so you won't be scared, I'll show you some of the tools I'll be using. This is the scraper, this is the poker... and this happy little fellow is the gouger.

We're never gonna get out of-- Psst, cleaning lady. Would you let us out of here? Me? I'm Dolly Parton. I didn't ask for your life story. just give me the key. Young man, where I come from, the South, folks say "please." And besides, I gotta go sing a medley with Rob Lowe and Stump. Dolly, wait! Wally?

- I said I wanted a Danish! - I'm sorry. All the Danishes are gone. They're not gone. - You're gone! - Uh-oh.

Homer, what did you do, get a haircut or something? Look closer, Lenny. Oh, you're the biggest man in the world now and you're covered in gold. 14-karat gold. Take a hike, boss. I'm running things now.

Oh, yeah? Well, put this in your Fife and smoke it. What the--

H-How do you do? Homer, I'm late for my night job at the foundry, so if you don't mind telling me-- Good heavens! Th-This is a palace! H-How in the world can you afford... to live in a house like this, Simpson? I don't know. Don't ask me how the economy works. Yeah, but look at the size of this place.

Ladies and gentlemen, may I invite you to behold... Montgomery Burns. Smithers. Ohh. Doh ! I don't care for this at all.

In the, uh, spirit of the occasion, I must tell you what I think. You two screwed up royal. You know, I really don't feel like being blamed. I feel that you should shut up. You know, you really irritate me, Skinner. What with your store-bought haircut and excellent posture.

Aha! Aw. Twenty dollars. I wanted a peanut. Twenty dollars can buy many peanuts. Explain how. Money can be exchanged for goods and services. Whoo-hoo! Whoa!

Ah! Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah! You idiot! You nearly drank a beaker full of sulfuric acid. Acid, eh? Gee. That would have been stupid. Boy, would my face have been red.

Somebody stop the fight! Where's the doctor? Kill him! Kill him! It looks like it's all over.

Whoa, easy there, partner. (GROANING) Uh-oh. You killed him. He was my world.

Bastard! He's always one step ahead.

I just wanted 40 cents For my deliveries last week Will this bewitching floozy Seduce this humble newsie

Butch Patrick! That's right. I was TV's Eddie Munster. And being in the public eye didn't mess me up one bit.

Five, four, three, two-- All right! Here comes the implosion. "Implosion"? But I thought you said-- Hockey puck! Don Rickles zinged you, Marge.

My water broke! Oh, we must drive to the hospital. Cleanup in aisle three. Oh, finally. Gil's moving up to the big leagues, boy. Oh, my back.

And the Wichita lineman is still on the (VOCALIZING) line Dad, I still have a couple of questions about this.

Yup. A shiny new apple. I get it! Everything's made of blocks! - Even the water! - Uh, hey! Ow! Hey, Boat 28, stop splashing. What are you gonna do about it?

Speaking of heroes, here's mine. Tom Turkey !

Now hold on, Kang. You can't bully my audience with your fancy ray gun. And now for my final thought. Nobody wins when parents put their petty squabbles above the welfare of a child. Let's hope they put their differences aside and do what's best for Maggie.

What? That's an odd name! I'd have called them chazwazzers! Lisa! Marge!

Hey, why don't you be polite, you stinkin' pus bag! Pal, you gotta call that number on the boot. Sorry about that guy. They stick all the jerks in Tower One. That's it! I'm comin' over there! Why don't you come over here! - I got something for you! - Shut up, the both of youse!

Hear ye! Hear ye! Hear ye! He is not the official town crier! Police, do something! Well, I'd like to, ma'am, but he's too damn good. Let him march, boys. Let the man march.

Holy flirking shnit. What's the message?

Here, lottery officials present Springfield Elementary with a brand-new eraser. One eraser? I'm used to my government betraying me. I was in 'Nam. I served for-- And speaking of lotteries here are the winning numbers for this week's $40,000 jackpot.

Troy, this circle is you. My God, it's like you've known me all my life.

So long, Superman. Your secret identity is safe with me.

But we promised the desk clerk we'd be good. Yeah. We don't want to lose our pool privileges. Whatever. The point is, I'm Homer Simpson.

All right. Listen. I am sick of your jokes about the wardrobe! You people can dress yourselves!

Yodeling Zeke, Butterball jackson, Freddie Boy and Yuma, Cloris Moselle, Big Shirtless Ron, Orville and Hurley, Gappy Mae, Hip Diddler, Rudy, the Ya Hoo Recovering Alcoholic jug Band, and tonight, in her syndicated TV debut-- Lurleen!

Hey, pfft. Screw this.

"R," "Q," "G." Question mark. Smiley face. Next. Wait a minute.

just what I was gonna say. Look at me! I'm acting young! Hey. This ain't so bad.

Seymour! I didn't bring you up to use language like that! You didn't bring me up at all. The hell I didn't! I've been taking care of you for 26 years! I'm the only mother you've ever known! But you have your real son. You're my real son! You've been my son longer than he has. He doesn't need me, and I don't need him!

Come on, Romeo. They can't lock me up for long, Agnes. Will you wait for me? Are you crazy? My bones are half dust.

Never mind the commercials. just give it to me. I've gotta whip this neighborhood into shape. - Move along there. - It's Hammer! Return to your homes and places of businesses.

To find Flanders, I just have to think like Flanders. I'm a big, four-eyed lame-o, and I wear the same stupid sweater every day, and-- The Springfield River!

that we are not alone in the universe. I'm Leonard Nimoy. Good night. Uh, Mr. Nimoy, we have 10 minutes left. Oh. Fine. Well, let me just get, uh, something out of my car.

I'm not here to sue you. My name is Astrid Weller. I own an art gallery, and I'd love to display your piece. You mean this hunk of junk? This isn't art. It's just a barbecue that pushed me over the edge. Didn't you? Didn't you? You stupid-- Uh, art isn't just pretty pictures.

O Canada Order. Order. Do you kids want to be like the real U.N.,

Don't worry. I'm wearing my lucky rabbit's head. Mr. Honey Bunny! You inhuman monster! You want a piece of me? Stop it! Stop it! Conserve your precious hatred for the game.

And maybe one of those dogs. What do they do? Uh, they serve as seeing eyes for the blind, sir. Do they do any other tricks? No. just the monkey then. Uh, may I inquire... as to how you are "differently-abled"? Oh. I'm not handicapped. I'm just lazy.

Stroke, stroke, stroke. I'm rowing as fast as I can, sir. No-- I'm having one. Remember what I told you about running away from your troubles?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Can I help you? Potato man. Where the hell have you been?

(GROANS) You work on Christmas or you're out of a job! Is that clear, Cratchett? Sir, I'm over here. Woo-hoo. Sorry, pardon me, ma'am. I see you're expecting. May I listen to the baby's heartbeat? (SCREAMING)

We now return to our 48-hour Itchy & Scratchy diamond jubilee marathon-- celebrating 75 years of rib-tickling brutality... and hilarious atrocities. The Itchy & Scratchy Show

Boy, when Lisa comes in, I want you to make a big fuss over how she looks. She'll see through me like Grandma's underpants. No, she won't. When it comes to compliments,

Lisa is a nut. She has a rubber butt. Every time she turns around, it goes putt putt. Indeed. But that rubber butt doesn't have much time for turning around these days.

Oh. I'm so stupid.

Excellent. With McBain out of the way, nothing can stop us ! Any more new business ? Only your death. McBain ! Ah !

we can't live in the same house.

Hello. Can I help you? Agents Mulder and Scully, F.B.I. Is this about that pen that I took from the post office? I swear, I didn't know I put it in my purse! Then I was going to bring it back, but the dog chewed it up. And that just made things worse.

Everything lasts forever.

All right, dorks, this is a holdup. Oh, yes! Download to papa. Yoink dot adios, back-slash losers.

Odysseus, do not forget to thank the gods for our victory... with an appropriate animal sacrifice. Forget it! Sacrificing animals is barbaric. Now have the slaves kill the wounded.

Hey, stop that! You'll never silence me! I'm the last angry man, Patterson-- a crusader for the little guy! Leave the bird alone! Never! Look, Simpson. I've been elected... by the voters of this city 16 years in a row, so they must think I'm doing a damn good job. You want to know what I think? No.

So, let's review: You two screwballs have just strolled in here fresh from the sewer... and given me a bunch of bulldink about creating Itchy-- with no proof at all-- and you expect me to give you... how much?

Sheesh. Look at these refugees. How about a smile? They've undergone terrible hardships. Well, moping won't make it better.

Barney will be Twelve Ball, and, Moe, you can be Cue Ball. You're an idiot. So, wedding, huh? No, we're forming a vigilante group. Come with me. See, it's a miniature version of the A-bomb. The government built it in the '50s to drop on beatniks.

Dad, that information is all wrong! Maggie's a baby, not my best friend. You dont know anything about me.

Hi, kids! Only one week left to sign up for the bestest summer ever at Kamp Krusty! Whoa! Hey! Kamp Krusty is built on an actual Indian burial ground.

J Oh, yeah, Weird A/ had fan on this showJ J Even if it was just a brief cameo JJ

Bart, don't you realize what this means? The next time we fall asleep, we could die. Bah! Welcome to my world. On this edition of Asian Market Wrap-up. There's a volcano waiting to erupt in the Pacific Rim.

Now I need to find another little brother. And I need to find another big brother. My car's gonna feel so empty on the ride home. And me, I have no ride at all. I already bought a giant ham for dinner. It's gonna go to waste. Don't talk about food. I'm so hungry. Well, good-bye.

Ladies and gentlemen, nothing brings out the stars... like the maiden voyage of a monorail.

What advantages does this motorcar have... over, say, a train? Which I could also afford. Well, you'll notice how the heated gas pedal warms your feet while-- Gently massages your buttocks. Well, Count Homer, shall we discuss the-- No, we shan't. Yoicks!

This film will self-destruct... if not properly stored.

Tappa-tappa-tappa, tappa-tappa-tappa. Oh. Whoa! Ow!

Bart, what's wrong with you?

Oh, crikey! You gave me a smash on the noggin last year. Not in my parlor, you don't. Aah! Me eyes! I'm scalded, I am!

you'd better think long and hard before trying something like this on Homer Simpson again !

Uh, Marge's auto-dialer.

Tonight on Eyewitness News, a man who's been in a coma for 23 years wakes up. Do Sonny and Cher still have that stupid show? No. She won an Oscar, and he's a congressman. Good night! But first, E.T., phone Homer... Simpson, that is.

Ew! Get outta my car. This isn't my house.

What are you gonna spend your money on, kids? There's a special on tacos down at the Taco Mat-- hundred tacos for $100-- I'm gonna get that. I'm gonna contribute my money to the Corporation for Public Broadcasting. Tacos? Public broadcasting? I won't have you kids throwing away your money like that. You're both coming downtown with me, and you're gonna put that money in the bank.

Mr. Sandman Bring me a dream Make him the cutest that I've ever seen Give him a lonely heart like Pagliacci Check it out, Fat Tony. Those jokers think they're the Cowsills.

Sometimes I think God is teasing me. just like he teased Moses in the desert.

You all right, Grampa? Oh, daiSy, dais-- Oh, give me your anSwer do-- Will you quit your clowning? I need help here. Ohh! Tell her her rump's as big as the queen's... and twice as fragrant!

Oh, I missed the feeding frenzy. I hope you're happy. Obviously, yes.

We have some new pamphlets available in our church news rack, including Bible Bafflers, Satan's Boners, Good Grief !, More Satan's Boners...

Can't you see what he's saying ? A happy worker is a busy worker.

If you're really Michael jackson who were your last four Grammy dates? Brooke Shields, Diana Ross, Emmanuel Lewis and Bubbles. Shiver me timbers! You are Michael jackson! Can you stay on the line while I get all my friends and relatives? I'm afraid not. Your father needs your help. You don't want him to get a lobotomy, do you?

Let me give you the grand tour. This is one of our many light switches. It functions in both the on and off mode. On, off. On, off. He knows how to work a light switch. Oh, yeah, right. I don't know what this switch does. This is really good, Marge.

If things had turned ugly, I always had my mace. Don't let me off the hook that easily, sir.

Hmm? No, thanks.

All right! Yes, that's very healthy, Ned. And if you really tick me off, I'm gonna run you down with my car. Yeah, uh-- Um-- Oh! Oh! Ned, you're so crazy.

Why, you little..! What the..? D'oh!

Bart, I'd like you to read this copy of johnny Tremain. It's a book I read as a girl. A book? I think you might like this. It's about a boy who goes to war. His hand is deformed in an accident. Deformed? Why didn't you say so? They should call this book "johnny Deformed."

Look at those two inseparable chums, Smithers. That's exactly the teamwork we'd like to showcase at this year's energy convention. Are you sure, sir? Well, no one else seems to share the same spirit of camaraderie.

Bart! Bart! Bart! Bart! Bart! Bart! Bart! Bart. Bart. Bart, Bart, Bart, Bart. Bart. Bart. I can't think with all this noise. What am I supposed to do? Pick up Bart. Pick up Bart. "Pigabar"? What the hell is "pigabar"?

Stunned league officials say point shaving may have occurred... in as many as three Harlem Globetrotters games. And in business news, Groovy Grove juice Corporation has announced... it will miss delivery on its third-quarter shipment. A spokesman attributed the production shutdown to a half-witted oaf.

I want you to do for me what Spielberg did for Oskar Schindler. Schindler es bueno. SeÑor Burns es el diablo. Listen, Spielbergo, Schindler and I are like peas in a pod. We're both factory owners. We both made shells for the Nazis. But mine worked, damn it! Now, go out there and win me that festival!

Now, a brilliant jazz musician who's inspired me to do some improv poetry. Twinkle, twinkle, groovy cat. How I wonder where you at. I really love the way you cook. just like me when I wrote this book. How to Make Love to Steve Allen, from the author of Happiness is a Naked Steve Allen, journey to the Center of Steve Allen,

We're two hours and 45 minutes through the pregame show. Our guest is Troy McClure whose new sitcom premiers tonight right after the game! Thanks, Bret. My new show's called Handle With Care. I play jack Handle, a retired cop who shares an apartment with a retired criminal. The original odd couple.

now I know my abc's won't you come and play with me? Flawless. We also would've accepted "Tell me what you think of me." Well, I guess you're free to-- Give him the Breathalyzer! Huh? You're under arrest. D'oh!

We told you to hold on to the handrail. We asked you not to spit over the side.

Leaves of Grass my ass!

"Vent radioactive gas?" Y-E-S. "Sound alertness horn?" Y-E-S. "Decalcify calcium ducts?" Well, give me a "Y." Give me a-- Hey. All I have to type is "Y."

What you need is a good, long rest. I suggest Florida. Florida? But that's America's wang. They prefer The Sunshine State.

Well, Bart, what do you think of little Lisa?

Come, stranger. join our circle of infamy. Tell us your story of ennui.

Rainier Wolfcastle! Oh, I love your movies... and your Powersauce bars and your taught, rippling-- Hey, hey, hey. That's enough. Now step over to the Abdominator, and I will shout slogans at you. Push. Harder. Go past the max. Reach over the top. Master your ass.

Stop it! Stop it, stop it!

1796. A fiercely determined band of pioneers leaves Maryland... after misinterpreting a passage in the Bible. Their destination: New Sodom.

Well, I'm done for.

I don't make trash. I burn it. Then I guess you're a garbageman. Well, I know you are, but what am I? A garbageman. Oh, I know you are, but what am I? A garbageman. I know you are, but what am I? A garbageman. Takes one to know one. Checkmate.

What do you need a baby-sitter for ? I'm almost ten and a half. Mom, you wouldn't dare. Don't take that tone with me, young lady, or I'll give you a taste of the back of me hand. No, you don't.

Care to join me in a belt of scotch? It's 9:30 in the morning. Yeah, but I haven't slept in days. Last chance. Oh, yeah.

Oh, hey, hey. Maybe some things are too good to be kept a secret. I guess so. Compliments of the house-- One Flaming... Homer. Aw, thanks, Moe. You're the greatest friend a guy could ever have.

Five days? But I'm mad now! I'd kill you if I had my gun! Yeah, well, you don't. Lousy big shot. Thinks he's so big 'cause he's got a lot of guns. If he didn't have any guns, I'd show him a thing or two. What happens when he walks into my store?

Dad, the traffes moving. Huh? Whoo-hoo! Pedal to the metal! My baby! Your baby!

I'm at the wrong school! En Français.

like linseed oil or Dr. Shumway's--

Dad, what a nice surprise. Get that away from me. Kids, I don't want you drinking any more milk... ever. Can I still drink it? Go nuts. All right!

Oh, wow! Hey, look! Is that Dad? Either that, or Batman's really let himself go.

Buddhism teaches that suffering is caused by desire. Richard Gere?

You're watching PBS. You're watching PBS?

ow, ooh. ow, ooh. Ow, ooh.

Excuse me. Oh, my eyes are burning. Oh, little chipmunk friend, I'm allergic to everything.

I'll lavish my attention on Maggie, the forgotten Simpson. Maggie! It's me, Daddy! Daddy's gonna spend a lot more time with you. Yes, he is. Yes, he is!

I think it's ironic that Dad saved the day... while a slimmer man would have fallen to his death. And I think it's ironic that, for once, Dad's butt... prevented the release of toxic gas-- Bart! We'll have you out of there as soon as our tech boys get you decontaminated. Thank you, Mr. Burns.

Oh ! 437-- What ?

Spare my life and I will grant you three wi-- Knife goes in, guts come out. Yippee! Time for the company loyalty song. Knife goes in guts come out that's what osaka seafood concern is all about Well, this sucks. What else is on?

I love this book, Marge. Very psychological. Dr. Marvin Monroe? I haven't seen you in years! Oh, I've been very sick.

Strange. Regular ham doesn't thrill me anymore. Hmm. I'm crossing over to deviled ham.

I want that oil well. I've got a monopoly to maintain. I own the electric company and the waterworks, plus the hotel on Baltic Avenue. That hotel's a dump, and your monopoly's pathetic. The school's oil well is not for sale, particularly to a black-hearted scoundrel like yourself. I see. Then I'll just have to... attack you!

Enough chitchat. I need to see Lisa. I don't want to talk to you, Mr. Burns. Oh, I think you will. You see, I've just sold the Li'l Lisa Recycling Plant for $120 million. Congratulations. Oh, don't congratulate me. Congratulate Bay State Fish Sticks. As my adviser, you're entitled to 10% of the proceeds.

Oh, gosh. You know, I'm not much on speeches, but it's so gratifying... to leave you wallowing in the mess you've made. You're screwed. Thank you. Bye. He's right. He ain't much on speeches.

Uh, yeah. It's really something.

I gave him a couple of blintzes to paint my fence, but he never did it! Those blintzes were terrible. Paint my fence! Make me.

and instead they're home watching a cat and mouse disembowel each other. Hey, don't worry, Marge. Pretty soon, every boy and girl in Springfield Elementary School is gonna come see this thing. Really ? Why ? They're forcing 'em ! Oh.

You keep squirming, there's going to be a little bald girl with no lollipop.

Oh, all these new superheroes suck. None of them could hold a candle to Radioactive Man. The only decent new one is Radiation Dude.

Hey, Homer, here's a bloopie for you. I've got it. It's in the bag. Oh! Mm-mmm.

Wolf! Wolf! Wolf! I'm afraid you'll have to do better than that. - Ow! - Sorry. No sale. You're wasting valuable test time.

This is my wife, Marge. Hello.

You don't understand anything! (GRUNTING) You're such a psycho! Mama's boy! Future skank! Family guy!

Son, whether you want to win a girl or crack a nut, the key is persistence.

I needed a new heel for my shoe, so I decided to go to Morganville, which is what they called Shelbyville in those days. So I tied an onion to my belt, which was the style at the time.

But what should I do? Should I meditate? Should I get rid of all my possessions? Are you kiddin'? If anything, you should get more possessions. You don't even have a computer. You know, I have been meaning to take a spiritual journey. And I was-- was-- Hey! Knock it off!

Ooh, the Germans are mad at me. I'm so scared. Ooh, the Germans! Stop it. Stop that. The Germans are coming after me. Stop the pretending you are scared game. They're so big... Stop it, Mr. Burns. Protect me from the Germans!

But if I don't show up in a rubber suit shaped like the state of Florida, I'll be the laughingstock of the whole school. Oh, it's always something, isn't it? First I have to drive your pregnant mother to the hospital... so she can give birth to you, and now this! Ow, ow, ow, ow. Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow!

and I keep telling you Santa can't fit a pony into his sleigh. Can't you take a hint ? But I really want a pony, and I've been really, really good this year. Oh, dear. Maybe Bart is a little more realistic. A tattoo ? A what ? Yeah ! They're cool, and they last the rest of your life.

Oh, yeah? Prove it! That's your license plate, isn't it? Uh-- All right! just go ahead and sue me! Everybody else does! The average settlement is $68,000.

Hello, Marge. Hello, Bart.

Well, you know, boys a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman--

Let's go over the ground rules. You can't leave first until you chug a beer. Any man scoring has to chug a beer. Chug a beer at the top of all odd-numbered innings. And the fourth inning is the beer inning.

7:00, Friday night, Mother. Time for our weekly silhouette. No! Cutting out your ugly nose gives me a hand cramp! Oh, but you love silhouette night. And then we go through your bird book and make up silly captions-- Why are you all dressed up? I'm sick of this house, and I'm sick of you!

Auditions will be tomorrow at my estate. And now, our feature presentation. Oh, for-- Oh, very well. Let's all go to the lobby Let's all go to the lobby Let's all go to the lobby Get ourselves some snacks

Yes. I'd like to ask all the parents in Springfield who are concerned about this...

Hey, kids ! I spy Itchy and Scratchy off the port bow !

Ah. Ha-ha! Oh, the gentle caress of a summer breeze.

Look at all the wonderful things you have, Mr. Burns: King Arthur's Excalibur; the only existing nude photo of Mark Twain; and that rare first draft of the Constitution with the word "suckers" in it. Yes, yes, yes. So what? You want your bear, Bobo, don't you? Liar! I'll give you the thrashing of a lifetime!

That's my boy. Mmm, beer. What? Look, Dad, I don't need school. I'll make my way as a bootblack. Shine your boots, guv'nor? No son of mine is gonna be a 19th-century cockney bootblack. We're gonna find you another school.

Well, we could tape two shows on Friday. Are you nuts? I can barely get through one show on Friday! Even with the... (INHALING) You know, smelling flowers? Such expensive flowers, filled with remorse. Anyway, we gotta book a guest host! How about Jon Stewart?

Maggie, call Aquaman!

Homer, that's a terrible thing to say. - Oh, shut up. - Yes, sir.

Worst parents ever! Ha-ha!

That was a nice film I had once. Last time I try to impress a four-year-old. Well, see ya, kid. You can't just go back to the gutter. You created Itchy. You should be a millionaire. Ah, Roger Myers wouldn't give me a cent in the '20s.

Oh, Papa Homer, you are so learned. "Learnd," son. It's pronounced "learnd." I love you, Papa Homer. I love you too, Pepsi. Pepi. Pepi.

Tappa-tappa-tappa.

Actually, I thought it was a little labored. Oh. You gotta lose yourself in the moment, man. Yeah. Like-- Yeah! Okay. Great. Okay. Let-Let's just try that again. Okay? Come on. Hey. Come on. Hey-ey-ey! Hey, get over here! Okay. Now, you're you, I'm me. I'm me? Hey, don't jerk me around, fella.

I want all of youse to say hello to the Simpsons. Hello! Has the whole world gone insane? Stand still! There's a spark in your hair! Get it! Get it! Get it! Hot stuff comin' through. Dad, why did you bring me to a gay steel mill?

I'm glad you're okay, Bart.

So long, suckers.

and most of all, I need you to love me, because I love you. But how do I know I can trust you? Marge, look at me. We've been separated for a day, and I'm as dirty as a Frenchman.

What the-- That's terrible!

Thanks, Stampy. Ow! Ah, I'm alive! I'm alive! And I owe it all to this feisty feline.

Why didn't I think of that? Hammocks! Homer, there's four places. There's the Hammock Hut. That's on Third. Uh-huh. There's Hammocks-R-Us. That's on Third too. - You got Put-Your-Butt-There. - Mm-hmm. - That's on Third. Swing Low, Sweet Chariot. - Right. Matter of fact, they're all in the same complex. It's the hammock complex on Third. Oh, the hammock district. That's right.

(GASPING) See ya in hell, fat man!

Well, this is a lovely gesture, but... we still have to face the fact that I'm not really Seymour Skinner. Oh, no, we don't. judge Snyder. By authority of the city of Springfield, I hereby confer upon you the name of Seymour Skinner... as well as his past, present, future and mother.

It's your heart. And I think it's on its last thump. Whew! I was afraid it was my transmission. Hey, where's he goin'? Billy, remember that old Plymouth we just couldn't fix? We're gonna sell him to Mr. Nikapopolus? You're a dull boy, Billy.

I'm telling you Flanders' store was dee-serted. What do you think of your bestest buddy now? Dad, do you know what "schadenfreude" is? No, I do not know what "schadenfreude" is. Please tell me because I'm dying to know.

Man fall down. Funny.

Bills, bills. Oh, a rejection letter from The New Yorker subscription department. Hmm. Who or what is Santos L. Halper? Wow! My own credit card! Thanks, Santos! A quarter?

I never noticed this office before. Why should you? It's mine. Uh, you have any sugar around here? Sugar? Sure. Here you go. Sorry it's not in packages. - Want some cream? - Uh, no.

i know you and your wife and every part of you Son, you wait here while Daddy tries to talk some sense into this raving derelict. Ah, what the hell do you want-- You still owe me $50--

Guaranteed to rock the boat Machine-gun rap and locomote Get dancin', dancin', dance Come on, baby. Come out there and dance to your song. Turn yourself on! Over Hollywood-- America needs you! We need you to go dance! We need you to get together and boogie-woogie-woogie-boogie!

Oh, there he is. No! It couldn't be! Phew! Thanks for holding my book while I tied my shoe.

Follow me. Any red-blooded, flag-feeding American would love... the M-320. Celebrate the independence of your nation by blowing up a small part of it. All right.

It looks as if you girls have been getting along all right, but it's a darn good thing we found you when we did. There's something horrible roaming these woods. There is ? Why, that's my husband !

Set a course for Hidden Pirate Island, a.k.a. Hong Kong. Aye, aye, Captain. Help! Pirates! Navy SEALs are on the way.

Where'd you get all the money? The government. I didn't earn it. I don't need it. But if they miss one payment, I'll raise hell!

Homer, it's really coming down. Could you check on the boys ? They're fine.

I'll miss you Pumpkins, but I just can't share your bleak worldview. - I've got too much to live for. - We envy you, Homer.

You owe me... $22,000. I'll Kwanzaa you! Homer, don't be so hard on little-- What is his name?

How was jerk practice, boy? Did they teach you how to sing to trees... and build crappy furniture out of useless wooden logs? Huh? D'oh! Stupid poetic justice!

I demand a recount. One for Martin, two for Martin. Would you like another recount ? No. Well, I just wanna make sure. One for Martin, two for Martin. This way, Mr. President. Now boarding on track five,

Have a salmon puff. All right.

I never apologize, Lisa. I'm sorry, but that's just the way I am.

Guest director, Oliver Stone. Oh, God! Get his gun! The itChy and scraTchy show "Hundreds would die, but not the thing they died for.

Remember, it's Bi-Mon-Sci-Fi-Con.

Now, at last, I have found it. Ladies and gentlemen, presenting the car designed for the average man, the Homer !

It's not working.

How can I prove we're live? Penis. Now here's the candidate. Krusty is an insensitive bore unfit for public office.

Who's gonna clean up all those jets? There goes the clothesline. Well, those ivory-tower eggheads have screwed us again. Let's just have some milk and go to bed. Hey. This milk's broken.

Shoelace-- NO-O-O-o !

Now you can laugh yourself to sleep. If you should die before you wake-- Can't sleep. Clown'll eat me.

You don't win friends with salad You don't win friends with salad You don't win friends with salad You don't win friends with salad You don't win friends with salad You don't win friends with salad - You don't win friends with salad Mom!

Harvard, here I come. Psst, Barney. My dad's asleep. Want a beer? I don't know. The S.A.T.'s are tomorrow. I've got two words for you. Mellow out, man. Hmm? Hmm? All right. just one-- if it'll get you off my back.

Attention, Marge Simpson. Your son has been arrested. I'd be terribly embarrassed if I were that boy's mother. Attention, Marge Simpson. We've also arrested your older, balder, fatter son.

So, what did you children learn about today ? Hell. Bart ! That's what we learned about. I sure as hell can't tell you about hell unless I say "hell," can I ? The lad has a point. Hell, yes ! Bart !

Doh ! Anybody home ? Ooh, I've got to go, Homer.

Did you see that? I did the deed. Open up! Oh, I'm so sorry. I wasn't looking. Hey, I thought you guys could see everything. No. You're thinking of Santa Claus. Well, I'll be damned. I'm afraid so, yes.

You're selling what now? I'm selling only the concept of karmic realignment. You can't sell that! Karma can only be portioned out by the cosmos. He's got me there.

Wait, Homer. If that bar holds, we just might make it back to Earth.

Oh. What am I gonna call my Internet company? All the good names are taken. Oh, wait. I've got it. Flancrest Enterprises. D'oh! What exactly is it your company does again?

Yummy, yummy, yummy I got love iN my tummy and I feel like lovin' you love is such A sweet thing good enough to eat thing Sorry, but the punishment stands.

Unlikely, sir. They-- They spell and pronounce their name differently.

Glove slap, baby A glove slap, baby Glove slap Baby, glove slap Glove slap i don't take crap Glove slap shut your big yap

Boohoo! You're breakin' my heart. Homie, I think the baby's coming. Wow. A baby and a free burger. Could this be the best day of my life? Coming up next, an hour-long episode of Mama's Family. Yes!

We can't allow you to destroy these beautiful trees, which have the same rights you have.

Hmm ? Oh, no, boys. Not the can, please. Doh !

As you know, it's been my lifelong dream to become a blackjack dealer. Your lifelong dream was to be a contestant on The Gong Show. And you did it in 1977. Remember?

Everybody wanted a piece of us. They told us what to wear, how to dress, which clothes we should put on. The cops found me driving on the sidewalk. I had no business hosting the Oscars. After the show, Meryl Streep spit on me.

They haven't changed a bit, have they?

For years, TV critics such as yours truly, Kent Brockman, have waited impatiently for cracks to appear in the show's hilarious facade. Yesterday our prayers were finally answered... when Poochie the Dog made his howlingly unfunny debut. Far be it from me to gloat in another's downfall,

A Quarter Pounder with cheese. Quarter Pounder with cheese? Well, I can picture the cheese, but, uh-- Do they have Krusty partially gelatinated nondairy gum-based beverages? Mm-hmm. They call 'em shakes. "Shakes." You don't know what you're gettin'. Well, I know what I'm gettin'-- some doughnuts.

Grampa! I don't mind when you spit at home. But I have to work with these people. Oh, jabber jacks! Schoolhouse don't put out spittoons, I ain't responsible. All right, seniors, we'd all love to share in your wisdom, experience, yadda, yadda, yadda.

Now, Mr. Rude, I just want you to know I'm a good sport. If you want to make fun of my legendary love of cashews-- you have at it. Uh-huh. All right. Uh, how many times a day do you go to the can? Oh, about 40, I suppose. When are we going on the air? We're on the air now, Skeletor. What?

Why, here's Fox News. We are the champions My friend The cause of all this commotion is mayor and suspected illegal immigrant Joe Quimby, named today in paternity suits by 27 different women.

Uh-oh! We gotta get outta here. Just take 'em all!

You know, I went to the McDonald's in, uh, Shelbyville on Friday night. The Mc-what? Uh, McDonald's restaurant. I-- I never heard of it either, but, uh, they have over 2,000 locations in this state alone. Must have sprung up overnight.

Fairly warned be thee, says I.

Oh! How much did you see? Uh, nothing incriminating. Good. Well, bye.

Please accept this kickback as a token of our esteem. Thank you, Fat Tony. However, in the future, I would prefer a nondescript briefcase to the sack with a dollar sign on it.

Did you really have to break so much furniture? You tell me, Chief. You had a pretty good view from behind your desk.

Hey, guys. This butt's for you. Oh, no! No one does this to Dolph! No one! (LAUGHS) Uh-oh! Whoa! I'm riding a unicycle with my pants down. This should be every boy's dream.

It's a good offer. I advise you to take it.

Krusty looks fat. He's really having trouble keeping his balance. He's still funny, but not ha-ha funny. That's not Krusty the Clown! What do you think? I slapped a clown suit on some wino? I mean, I-- Yeah, Bart. I am so Krunchy the Clown!

Well, first up is the State of Florida versus the Simpson family. Your Honor, I'd like to represent myself. Drunken hicks of the jury--

(ANNOUNCER READS) Fifty-two jokers playing the game of their lives. I don't wanna be a three! I wanna be a seven! Shut up, kid. You're as crazy as an eight, I'm telling you. ANNOUNCER: With Eddie Murphy as the Jack of Clubs. You don't understand, Officer. I thought that king was a queen.

Homer Simpson, because of your lack of faith, you've ruined mankind's chance for salvation. Whoops. Nice goin' there, Homer. Oh, my gosh. Maybe he was telling the truth about everything. Oh, mercy. He's the real deal!

Dad, it's in there again! No! It's stuck on my hand!

And now please rise for our opening hymn, uh, "In the Garden of Eden"... by I. Ron Butterfly.

We're shutting down production. Yeah, well, we only have $1,000 left anyway. Ah, there's a $1,000 "leaving town" tax.

D'oh! A deer! A female deer.

we're that little extra spice

I was ashamed, Marge. I failed you as a husband and a provider. And at best I was a B-plus dog. I'll understand if you want to sleep on the couch tonight.

Why, Marge, look at all those flies buzzing around your head. You're a mess, woman.

You did it, Dad! You can't prove I did it.

Could you dumb it down a shade? Doctor, we'll do whatever it takes to get my Homie well.

Tito Puente! He's ready to give up the drudgery of the professional mambo circuit... and settle into a nice teaching job. Man, it will be my pleasure. Lisa has told me all your students are as bright and dedicated to jazz as she is.

"Loud"? That's our secret word for the day! Oh, my God!

Not that I'm into that kind of thing. Bravissimo, Bart!

the bombs bursting Shoot it off Poppin' way up In the ai-i-i-i-i-i-r... And the home

I, uh, don't think this contest is over yet, Buzz, if that is your real name. I believe there is still a little something called the swimsuit competition. There's no swimsuit competition, Homer. You mean I shaved my bikini zone for nothing?

Huh? Oh, no. The train!

Oh, glayvin! Oh, nice lady android with the true-to-life floivic. Game over.

I caught a head. Oh, dang. It's been scooped out.

They fight and bite they bite and fight and bite bite, bite, bite fight, fight, fight the itchy and scratchy show

Ah, I just threw on an old rerun. No one will know the difference. Huh? Huh? Huh? Eh, children, remain calm. The Falkland Islands have just been invaded. I repeat, the Falklands have just been invaded!

Well, kids, this is where you would watch itchy and scratchy, except they're on the Gabbo Show now. So, here's Eastern Europe's favorite cat and mouse team, Worker and Parasite!

Oh, Simpson, can't you go five seconds without humiliating yourself? How long was that?

David Crosby, you're my hero! Oh, you like my music? You're a musician?

A problem with the reactor?! We're all going to die!

Huh? That's weird. It's like something out of that twilight-y show about that zone. How's it hangin', Marge? Yuck! I'm baking like a meat loaf under this wet wool. Uh, may I take your coat, Aunt Selma?

How do you know you don't like bribes if you've never taken one? Here. Say, this is nice. - No! No bribes! - Okay, you win. From now on, we'll stick to smuggling heroin. See that you do! At first, I thought prohibition was a good thing.

Ah, yes. Rusty and dull.

Good evening. I've been asked to tell you... that the following show is very scary, with stuff that might give your kids nightmares. You see, there are some crybabies out there--

I'm gonna kill you, Homer. You are so dead. Now Chinatown was a classic. But you had problems with the sequel, The Two jakes? Oh, boy. Disappointed? I had the blues like Chasen's had chili. I said to myself, "Evans, you forgot Hollywood rule number one-- kill Homer Simpson."

(CHOKING) Joke's on me, is it? Ah! (WHIRRING) (GAGGING) (HOMER GROANING) (CHOKING) MARGE: What's all that racket? It's old lady Simpson! Run!

That's not so disciplined. They're just children, Mr. Simpson. I guess. "Truth is beauty, beauty, truth," sir. They're discussing poetry. Oh, we never do that at my school. But the truth can be harsh and disturbing. How can that be considered beautiful? Oh, he sure sucked the fun out of that poem.

Madam, your children are no more... than a pair of ill-bred troublemakers. Lisa too? Especially Lisa! But especially Bart!

- Colder. Ice cold. - Huh ? Do you know where my keys are ? No. I'm talkin' about your breakfast. Did you try the rumpus room ? Rumpus room ? Great idea. Oh, Dad. Huh ? Doh ! Oh, Homer.

Hey, such a filthy habit. Who asked you? Father? Son. Papa! Herschel! Daddy! Boychick! Oh, Daddy!

Look. I know this has been a stressful holiday.

I told you last night, no!

I did it. I made it all the way to-- Aw, crap! It just keeps going! I give up. You beat me, mountain!

I'm looking for something in an attack dog-- one who likes the sweet, gamey tang of human flesh. Why, here's the fellow. Wiry, fast, firm, proud buttocks. Reminds me of me.

Okay, guys. We push him out of the way in exactly three seconds. Should we correct for wind resistance? Hmm, possibly. What do you think? Oh, my. Well, Dean, I'm really sorry for the running-you-over prank. Prank? And all those other pranks were my idea too.

You're next, Mr. Simpson. Hey, wait a minute. Airport tax: five dollars? Sir, it's a standard fee. Well, we are not boarding that plane unless you waive that tax. Waive it!

Ingenious, isn't it, Mr. Bont? Scorpio, you're totally mad. I wouldn't point fingers, you jerk. So, do you expect me to talk? I don't expect anything from you except to die and be a very cheap funeral. You're gonna die now.

A counterfeit jeans ring operating out of my car hole! I'm gonna tell everyone. Wait here. Not so fast. Okay. Maybe you should just stop entirely. Herman, how could you?

Homer, did you go out and buy a 20-pound ham? What's all this? D'oh! "For heroic competence.

That's Kabbalah, jerk! (GRUNTING) Stupid kids ruin everything!

I'm taking Bart to the mall to buy camping supplies. Why don't you come along? Nah. I wanna enjoy this show before the network retools it. How can I organize this modeling agency... and still be a good single father? - I love you, Daddy. - AWW! Too late!

Gonna work on my "tannage," buddy. Pauly Shore? Wow! Hey. We should do a show together, man. That's a sure cure for the blues.

I am a robot. Do what I say. I am a washing machine. Do what I say.

Hey, I heard there's a lunar eclipse tonight. Maybe we should look up. Nah. For me it's solar or nothin'.

Stop it! Stop it! Let go of my hand! D'oh! Why couldn't I be on one of the smart rafts?

Look who's in my fart-- O.J. I'm gonna kill you all. Aaah. Aaah. Aaah. Cartoon violence! Cartoon violence! Now I'm gonna find the real killers. Kids, that cartoon's not life-affirming.

All right. You're dismissed. I'll take it from here. But, Mr. Burns, you're exhausted. Yes, but I have a little secret. I've obtained a rare, powerful aphrodisiac. It was made from the pockets of the pocket fox, an animal that only existed for three weeks in the 16th century.

Good thing you warned me.

No hurry. I got plenty to read. Ooh! Twilight Zone Magazine. lt- Oh, no. My glasses are broken. w'w' f "Twilight Zone Theme ff f

Whoo! You da man, Carl! I believe you can fly! Boy, I am so sick of everyone assuming I'm good at basketball because I'm African-American! Go, Carl. Go, Carl. It's my birthday. It's my birthday.

Hey, kids, while Sideshow Mel mops up, let's see the names of our Krusty birthday pals for today. All right, here comes my name. Wow. Best eight bucks I ever spent.

Military school? You lied to me!

Blah, blah, blah. Do this, do that. Blah, blah, blah. I think I'm so big. Blah, blah, blah! Destroy him.

Crack that whip licorice whip I Said whip it licorice whip

At Kitty Hawk in 1903, Charles Lindbergh flew it 15 miles on a thimbleful of corn oil. Single-handedly won us the Civil War, it did. So, how do you know so much about American history? I pieced it together mostly from sugar packets.

Happy, would you like to continue living with us, your loving, natural parents, or would you rather live with this twisted, loveless billionaire? Let's roll. Wait! You forgot your bear-- a symbol of your lost youth and innocence!

Yes, you ! Baboon, baboon, baboon, baboon ! I don't think you realize what you're saying. Baboon !

That's weird. The key doesn't fit. Hey, someone's boarded up our windows. Check this out! What's going on? Cooder! What have you done to our house?

But on the plus side, I knocked over the sun sphere. Ha-ha!

Uh- You rock, Homer.

J; Now, a guitar has many, many nicknames: an ax, a gitbox- I guess that's it. Anyway, we're gonna start with the fundamentals: playing a burning guitar with your teeth. All right! Fire!

But when the seeds have been planted, you throw away the envelope.

Well, what do you, uh, people like? Sleep! Sexy dames and plenty of 'em! Matlock! Yeah! Well, uh, I suppose I could name it the, uh, Matlock Expressway.

by eating your shorts. Whoa! Whoa!

"Simpson." How can I help you?

Oh. Thank you, shoppie. I-- I ventured in to search for milk when the door snapped shut behind me. Yeah. Those dairy cases are death traps.

I'm 12 years old. I'm with my friends. It's a beautiful summer day at the old swimmin' hole. Oh, my God! Do something, Mesmerino. Uh, yes. Yes. Um--

Either that, or Batman's really let himself go. Alone! I'm alone! I'm a lonely, insignificant speck... on a has-been planet orbited by a cold, indifferent sun!

Ow! Ow! This job sure is easy. Now to press this button. Not again! Angry Dad, you're fired.

Well, it was a good ride while it lasted. Come on, kids. Let's go home. We are home. That was fast. You've just got to accept it.

What's wrong? My whole romantic life is flashing before my eyes.

Lisa, before you go, would you like to hear a song? Wow! That'd be great! Okay. Take it, apu. I'm sergeAnt pepper's lonely hearts club man I hope I Will enjoy my show

Homer, you got a letter. Hmm, it's from the library. Overdue book? This is the biggest frame-up since O.J. Wait a minute. Blood in the Bronco, the cuts on his hands, those Jay Leno monologues. Oh, my God! He did it!

Are the good people at best western hotels. Bart! Selma! Oh! You tried to kill me. I want a separation. My best-laid plans have gang agley.

Now, here's my "Everything's Okay" alarm. This will sound every three seconds... unless something isn't okay. Turn that off, Homer. It can't be turned off.

Mr. Army Man? I can't sleep without my Reggie Rabbit. Is that some sort of plush novelty? Yes, ma'am. Well, here's a scouring pad. It's just as good. It's cold and hurt-y.

"Don't do what Donny Don't does." They could've made this clearer. Oh! They won't let you have any fun.

It's good to have the old Bart back.

No thanks to you, Homer. Why, you little-- Now, Homer, please. The boy's just had a very serious operation.

All right, this is a raid. Well, well, well, this place has got more pirated tapes than, uh-- A Chinese Kmart? Well, that'll have to do. Are these yours, son?

Uh, why don't you leave the symbol to me, sir?

We went fishing. Do these sound like the actions of a man... who had "all he could eat"? No! That could've been me! Homer, I've a proposition for ye, fair and true.

Oh, now, now. There's no need to resort to violence. Aw, sure there is. I knew it. If only I had nagged more. God is angry. We've made a false idol of this Brad Goodman.

I-i'm sorry. Hold on. Hold on. I didn't say "no" exactly. Really? Hot damn! All right, don't eat nothin' for the next three days, 'cause I'm taking you out for a steak the size of a toilet seat.

Madre de Dios! The legends were true! Whenever a teacher confiscates something it ends up here. Salacious halter tops complete collections of Mad, Cracked and the occasional issue of Crazy and this plastic derriere.

Then take a tip from Mr. Paul Anka!

Homer's the guy who rigged up my pants with this special codpiece. Comfy, isn't it? Oh, yeah. It provides the freedom and protection I so sorely need. Yeah!

today you can find apples in everything that's good. Apple wine, apple whiskey, apple schnapps, apple martinis, uh, Snapple with vodka in it, apple nail polish remover-- Don't forget applesauce. Yeah. I suppose you could grind some pills into it.

jeremy Irons. Jeremy's... iron. Mm-hmm. Well, that's... very good for a first try. You know what? I have a ball. Perhaps you'd like to bounce it.

Huh? Don't be alarmed, Apu. just go about your daily routine like I'm not wearing the hat. Your headgear seems to be emitting a buzzing noise, sir. Perhaps you have a bee in your bonnet. Bee?

Oh, Maggie! You got oatmeal all over. Homie, would you clean her off? Can do! Laddie! Come here, boy! Who wants to lick a messy baby? Laddie?

We're proud to present on the W.B. Another bad show that no one Will see I need a drink. It's the TV movie of the year--

Hey, can I throw up in your bathroom? I'll buy something.

I'm Michael jackson from the jacksons. I'm Homer Simpson from the Simpsons.

I shall dance... with her. Ooh! QuÉ malo. Once again, I must sugar my own churro.

Go on, Maggie. You can do it.

Mom, I think you might be developing a gambling problem. Hey, I'm watching you.

And this is for shooting down police helicopters. Oh, I don't need anything like that... yet. just give me my gun. Sorry. The law requires a five-day waiting period. We've got to run a background check. Five days? But I'm mad now! I'd kill you if I had my gun!

although I'm afraid he may never walk again.

(BEARS GROWLING) (WEEPING) Crying in the corner, huh? Mind if I join ya? No, go ahead. (BOTH WEEPING)

Noooo! Noooo! Noooo!

Our children aren't safe with that monster! Yeah, keep away from him, Milhouse! You too, Ralphie. You're out of that day care center. Oh! My polite indignation knows no bounds! No! No! No one is taking my kids from me! Run, children, run!

Now, back to your teens. Sorry I'm late, Lisa. I was at the gym, totally gunning my lats. Just gunning them. (GRUNTS) Oh, man. The deposit on this tux was 200 Reagans. Hey, everybody. Bart, you're looking crooked.

Old MacDonald had a farm E-I-E-I-O And on this farm he had a chick The swingingest chick I know With a wiggle-wiggle here And a wiggle-wiggle there Get off the stage! I want to, but I can't!

But Freddy Quimby's innocent! How do you know? There weren't any witnesses. Oh, yeah. Right. You'd think someone would've seen something at a crowded party like that. Well, they didn't, okay? They didn't! It says so right here in black-and-white, "no witnesses." Case closed. Now, let's all read the funnies.

Huh ? Oh ! Assassins ! Oh, a hundred and twenty-five bucks ! Sometimes you gotta spoil yourself. Spoil yourself. Spoil yourself. But I can't afford to-- Simpson, I order you to buy those shoes ! Okay, Flanders. You're the boss.

who rigs every Oscar night

There's something about flying a kite at night that's so unwholesome. Hello, Mother dear. That's it! We have to get them back to school. I'm with you, Marge. Lisa, get in here! In this house, we obey the laws of thermodynamics!

I think it sucks.

Wheel him out quietly. It's best the children don't see him. Oh, just get it out of here! Not into the kindergarten! Mom! Dad! Martin died at school today! Ohhh! I don't see what that has to do with Groundskeeper Willie.

Our demands are very reasonable. By ignoring them, you're selling out these children's futures. Oh, come on, Edna! We both know these children have no future! Prove me wrong, kids. Prove me wrong.

We're shutting you down. Not a chance. No one can silence me but me! That arranged can be. Wha--

Ow! - You're... going... down, punk! - Ow! Ow! Ow!

And when I hear You can't walk to Turkmenistan I say of course I can Screw you Hey, would you guys like tickets to the Independent Film Awards? Would we?

Now, that's a man.

Good Lord! The rod up that man's butt must have a rod up its butt.

Hurts, don't it? Right. Do you know what a wet willie is?

Principal Skinner, the school's on fire! Spread, spread, spread! Spread, spread, spread! It's crystal clear who did this-- Jack Crowley! No way. You don't know that Jack did this. Just because he's an ex-con-- Ooh! Crowley's an ex-con?

All right, Simpson. You were warned about teasing the box.

Won't you join our tea party? It would be ever so-- Don't do it, Lisa! It's a trick! Run! Run!

Why, you little-- Uh-oh ! Come back here, you little Raven ! Doh !

Clowns are funny.

Anyway, enjoy. Single women of Springfield, your prayers have been "Flanswered". Ned Flanswered, that is. Is this a dating video? Shush! What would you say about a man who owns his own house and his own car? That's Ned Flanders!

Ruff, ruff. I'm Poochie, the rockin' dog. Hi. I'm Troy McClure. You may remember me from such cartoons as... Christmas Ape and Christmas Ape Goes to Summer Camp.

which was the style at the time. Now, to take the ferry cost a nickel. And in those days, nickels had pictures of bumblebees on 'em.

"Best in the West." It rhymes. "Clown College"? You can't eat that.

Spill it! Where's your brother? You'd better answer him, Lisa. He's a bad man. What are you laughing about? You started off as the bad cop. And now you're the good one. You and Willie got mixed-up about 10 minutes ago.

Darn her socks? I say, darn her.

Would it really be worth living in a world without television? I think the survivors would envy the dead. I appreciate your passion on behalf of your medium. But I'm afraid we're out of options. Television must go. May God have mercy on our souls.

Mr. Simpson, the tar fumes are making me dizzy!

This is horrible. The Fox network has sunk to a new low.

Step away, foolish amateurs. Just keep back. Keep out of it. The role is mine. With the acting and the groupies and the "Luke, Luke, save me"... with the light saber and the "vwing, vwing, vwing." That's not how you "vwing." We're doomed. Doomed.

Oh, say can you see Back in row Double-Z That the team sucks out loud And you fans are all plowed

Come on. Why won't you go out with Bart? He's a smelly, ugly dork! Please, "ugly" is such a smelly word. Who would you rather go out with? Tommy. Well, duh. He's breathtaking.

Worst episode ever.

You don't have the intelligence to rig an election by yourself, do you? You were just Barlow's lackey! You were Ronnie to his Nancy! Sonny to his Cher! Ringo to his rest of the Beatles! Enough! Lies, lies, lies! I did it! I did it all!

Whoo-hoo! jackpot. Wait a minute! Are you over 21? Are you? I'm not authorized to answer that. By the way, your martinis suck!

Homer, your spine.

We're gonna go out and par-ty! Wait a minute. I'll put on my snow pants. Me too. Me too. Ah, the college road trip. What better way to spread beer-fueled mayhem? If you're going for a ride, I'd like you to take Bart and Lisa. But, Marge, we're college guys, and we're up to no good.

It's Suds McDuff! With a shuttle craft of genuine draft! Whoo-ha! Ooh! A party. Duff. The official beer of NASA-- National Association of the Sellers of Alcohol. Yay!

Herman, I had to come out here to see what's so funny. A counterfeit jeans ring operating out of my car hole! I'm gonna tell everyone. Wait here. Not so fast. Okay. Maybe you should just stop entirely.

Ow ! Quit it. Ow ! Quit it. Ow ! Quit it. Ow ! Quit it. Hey, what's with this ? Ow ! Quit it ! Used to be a real boss tattoo.

Boring! That didn't explain anything. All I know is they stole my face and used it for their stupid logo. - There's no other explanation. - Wait! Look! Mr. Sparkle, a joint venture of Matsumura Fishworks... and Tamaribuchi Heavy Manufacturing Concern.

Why, you little-- And after that comes fear. What's after fear ? What's after fear ?

Spring break! Spring break! Spring break! Oh, no! We came during spring break! Take 'em off the glass! Take 'em off the glass!

All right, Mom. I promise you will never be billed for another call. Bobby Sherman.

And now, let's give a big Fort Springfield welcome... to Mr. Bob Hope! What's the mayor's name? Quimby. Beautiful. Hello, this is Bob "What the hell am I doing in Springfield" Hope.

But you can thank your lucky stars we don't live in Paraguay.

Let's fire some employees. Excellent.

What did you do to my car? Dude, you've been chop shopped! Why would you do that? How am I gonna get home? Chop shop! Chop shop! (ZAPPING) Huh? (GASPS) Hey! You knocked out my power.

I'm afraid that's insufficient. Officer, arrest the baby. Yeah, right, Pops. No jury in the world's gonna convict a baby.

Of course you did. But there's the truth, and the truth!

Come on, man! Everyone knows the first day of school is a total wank.

And I further decree... that everything will be just like it was... before all this happened. And no one will ever mention it again... under penalty of torture.

Football injury. (LAUGHS) Now why don't you just sign the check? Here, use my pen. Forget it. (ROARS)

Bringing in the sheaves

Uh, it's my first day! Quack, quack, quack.

I guarantee! Will you stop saying that?

Jingle bells jingle bells Bart! Why are you doing that? I don't know. Well, this time you must be punished! Well, you could punish me, but--

You, uh-- You chopped off the president's head. Bet you didn't see that coming. You impaled a United States senator with the American flag. Why did Mr. Smith kill everybody? It was symbolism. He was mad!

Slow, then fast. - Uh-oh. - Dad, please. For the last time, I beg you. Don't lower yourself to the level of the mob. Lisa, maybe if I'm part of that mob, I can help steer it in wise directions.

- Kids can be so cruel. - But it's true.

I'm back to commit felonious assault because your infernal singing just would not halt Actually, we're done. Done, done. And not a moment too soon.

My first dollar! Thanks to you, Lisa-- and our hemp-smoking friend. Shine on, you crazy diamond. Sounds like somebody's living in the past.

Yeah? Well, I ain't cooking 'em. (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) And George Jefferson, wherever you are,

in the treetop when the Wind Blows the cradle Will rock when the bough breaks the cradle Will fall and down Will come baby

Yes! That's what we wanted you to think!

Hot, hot, hot, hot.

D'oh! Mom! I found Sideshow Bob's hideout! And I got a secret message to the police! And I had a blimp fall on me! And I was in an atomic blast! But I'm okay now! Well, I wrecked the gate. But you don't hear me bragging. Now let's roll!

They fought and fit they fought and fought and fit fought-fought-fought, fit-fit-fit the itchy and scratchy show! Uh-oh! Got to get back to karate class. Missed a spot. Dopey kid. Coming through. Step aside, lady.

"A million poets working for a million years..." You're so lucky. When are you going to meet him? First, I ask him to send a photo. If he's got everything where it should be I'm reeling him in. Strap on your skates, Gordie.

Prepackaged Star Wars characters, still in their display box? Are those the limited-edition action figures? What's a diorama? Why, it's Luke and Obi Wan and my favorite Chewie. They're all here! What do you think?

Poor Selma. You were having... such a lovely evening... And then I went and spoiled it all by doing something stupid like explode you sideshow Bob, I'm afraid the only victims here... Are the good people at best western hotels. Bart!

Sending your chick a valentine, huh? Yep. johnny?

the Simpsons will keep on gagging for years to come. I can't believe it! We won another contest! The Simpsons are going to Delaware! I want to see Wilmington! I want to visit a screen door factory. This will be the last season.

There's nothing between me and Princess Kashmir. Princess who ? Hey, my photo. Your photo ? Uh-oh. Why you little-- Why you big-- Bart, go to your room. I'm out of here.

Oy! And here comes the ambulance!

Your mouth is hopin' for a soapin', boy. Now stop asking silly questions and go kill your brother. (WHIMPERS)

Pie. Popular pastry, tricky math thing and now sword of righteousness. A masked avenger has been giving Springfield's scoundrels their just desserts! This is for your show's slight decline in quality over the years! KENT: In an attempt to curb copycat pie-ings, the police have organized a pie-for-guns exchange.

And now, a man you will see is definitely not dead. Mr. Montgomery Burns!

- It's a secret. - Shut up.

Marge, this is everything I've ever dreamed of-- right here. And nobody's gonna take it away from me. You never had faith in me before, but let me tell you-- the slim, lazy Homer you knew is dead. Now I'm a big, fat dynamo! And where's that cake?

I got a bad feeling about this.

(SIGHS) I really don't care anymore. All useless. The credits really have to go this long?

- Oh, act your age. - Oh! You are so dead.

What a crappy candle. You've ruined our vacation.

Hey, Simpson. Race ya. First one to the front of the bus gets Martin's lunch money. What? Go apple! Go orange! Go banana! Make way for grapefruit. Go grapefruit!

Nice glasses, four eyes. Yeah, nice shoes, uh, two feet. Yeah.

No, we won't. I've got it all figured out. The baby can have Bart's crib, and Bart can sleep with us until he's 21. Won't that warp him? My Cousin Frank did it. You don't have a Cousin Frank. He became Francine back in '76. Then he joined that cult. I think his name is Mother Shabubu now.

While johnny Welfare plays acid rock on a stolen guitar, his old lady has a better idea. That's right. She's got the "munchies" for a California cheeseburger.

That's assault! That is assault! It was the best Thanksgiving ever.

All right, gentlemen, I'll take your case. But I'm going to have to ask for a thousand-dollar retainer. A thousand dollars? But your ad says, "No money down." Oh, they got this all screwed up.

Dad, it says "Non-Toxic." Well, that's a plus.

She's still your mother. Come inside. Hmm? Can I get you a glass of milk? Cow milk? Uh-huh.

D'oh! (SCREAMS) (BRAKES SCREECHING) (ALL SCREAMING) (GIANT FISH GULPS)

Homer, I think you'd agree that I've put up with a lot in this marriage.

Ow ! Nevermore, nevermore, nevermore, nevermore, nevermore--

but also became a great movie-- called Ghostbusters.

Come on, Homer. Tell him about the store. I'm dying out here. Sorry, Flanders.

A real scrapper. A self-made man, like me. Bring this Grimes fellow to me. I want to make him my executive vice president. Yes, sir. Smithers, I've just seen the most heroic dog on television.

Anyhow, i must've looked at somebody the wrong way, because the next thing i knew, i was running for my life.

I have a plan. I think we can trap him. You know, Sideshow Bob, I believe you when you say you're innocent.

Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Mom, that is really annoying. Bart started it. Uh-uh. Lisa started it. I don't care who started it! I don't ever want to see you two fighting like that ever again. We love you both. You're not in competition with each other. Repeat, you are not in competition with each other.

Out of my way, jerk-ass!

Your Honor, we the jury... find that to be America's funniest home video. Back to you, Bob Saget. This is a court of law. Okeydoke.

He aint no cowboy! Sure I am. Okay, he's in.

Someone's getting a visit from Superintendent Chalmers. I... can't... take... this. Skinner! Superintendent Chalmers, you didn't have to come all the way down here. Everything's under control.

Obviously not. I am the god Ganesh! This wedding angers me! All will die unless it is stopped. Oh, God. Please! Listen to me!

Don't worry, Marge. You won't feel a thing. You'll feel four things.

Krusty wants out!

f Man f J Jellyfish J J i held you close J J And told you iiove youJ J But then the ocean took you backJ

That's one fine-looking barbecue pit. Why doesn't mine look like that?

Hey, hey. Officers, you have arrested an innocent man. Really? Oh, geez. All right, Colossus, you're free to go. But stay away from Death Mountain. But all my stuff is there.

I need one 29-cent stamp. That's $1.85. - I want $2.00 worth of gas, please. - $4.20. How much is your penny candy? Surprisingly expensive. What a rip-off! This is what I think of your store!

Now, make like my pants and split! What good's a credit card if you can't even use it? Hmm. "Order by phone. 1-800"--

Probably. I'm trying to watch the Super Bowl. If people don't support this thing, it might not make it. Joe Willie Namath swaggering off the field, his sideburns an apogee of sculpted "sartorium"-- the foppish follicles pioneered by Ambrose Burnside, Appomattox, 1865.

Oh, Mrs. Simpson, you must pursue your dreams, like my old dream of coming to America and starting a family. Or my new dream of ditching my family and sneaking back to India in disguise. Apu? Never heard of him. My name is Steve Barnes. (JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING)

I regret nothing!

Get 'em! Use your phony guns as clubs! Run, children! Start the bus, Otto! Start the bus! Damn! I shouldn't have eaten the mint first. Okay, hop on.

And I won't rest until I've gotten a hot dog. Homer, this is a cemetery. Hot dogs! Get your hot dogs here! Whoo-hoo! What do you do, follow my husband around? Lady, he's putting my kids through college.

Elton john? That's my name. Well, not really.

Listen, darlin', we're just as much a part of Springfield... as the church, the library or the crazy house. - So I think I'll stay right here, neighbor. - Is that so?

I've added an extra ingredient just for you. The merciless peppers of Quetzlzacatenango! Grown deep in the jungle primeval... by the inmates of a Guatemalan insane asylum.

Mmm! Gummi Beer. Hey, Barney, I think you've had enough. Are you crazy? We still haven't tried Raspberry Duff, Lady Duff, Tartar Control Duff--

So how's Maude Flanders doing up there? She playin' the field? Ooh! Yeah, really? All those guys? Amen.

Hey, hey, how about that weather out there? Whoa, that was the caller from hell. Well, hot dog, we have a "Wiener." Man, that thing's great. Don't praise the machine. If you don't get that kid an elephant by tomorrow, the Dj-3000 gets your job.

Ow, ow, ow. Seymour, I was thinking of promoting you to assistant superintendent. But, instead, that plum goes to Holloway. No. But, sir, he's a drunk. And a pill-Popper. If I could just-- Silence! And why is a cafeteria worker posing as a nurse? I get two paychecks this way. D'oh.

You're jealous.

He'll blow the whole deal. Get him out of here. Roger. If you wanna learn more about Whacking Day, there are many fine books in our gift shop.

Oh, I'll help you. Help you die! Waaah!

The bear. The bear!

the satisfaction of payday. Receiving a big fat check for a job well done. Simpson, Homer ? Here ya go. Come on, son. Let's go cash this baby and get presents for-- Thirteen bucks ? Hey, wait a minute. That's right. $120 gross. Less Social Security, less unemployment insurance,

Ron Howard's attached to direct. I am not. Well, he expressed an interest. - No, I didn't. - Did too. - I did not. - You lie!

You said it, partner. Ah, nice to see ya. Hey, how about that Bloodzilla? Vampire Dinosaur? Oh, you can't make that stuff up. "The Death of Sad Sack." This better not be another fake out.

Man, I don't know why I bought this stupid tape.

I'm checkin' in He's checkin' in I'm checkin' in checkin', checkin' in no more pills or alcohol no more pot or demerol no more stinking fun at all

Hey, look, everybody! Free beer! Open your yaps, boyos! Hey, what the-- Oh!

Woozle wozzle? What the-- That's what passes for entertainment these days? Woozle wozzle? Ladies and gentlemen, the Clown Show...

- Smithers, tip over this table for me. - Yes, sir. Homer. Homer. Make them stop. Uh, Mr. Burns. Mr. Burns. Shut up and wreck something. Mr. Burns, I hardly see...

Uh, Brooks, Groening, Simon, you're all cut. Castellaneta, gone. Kavner, cut. Cartwright, cut. Smith, sorry. Cut. Azaria and Shearer, you're cut. Firestone, you're cut. So is judge. Namath, you stay. All of those people are cut.

Oh, man, that's good. Oh, pass the butter. Are you gonna eat that all by yourself? Uh-huh. Pinchy would've wanted it this way. My dear, sweet Pinchy.

Harper's Magazine! I have a picture of Lewis Lapham on my binder. (GROWLS) Oh, but I've been yapping about myself all night. Marge, what's exciting in your life lately? Well...

Homer? I got a really wicked idea that could get us into a lot of trouble. Ohh. Mindy, we have to fight our temptation. No, Homer. Let's do it. Let's call room service! Oh. Someone is charging room service to the company, sir.

Come on, Mom. The stores just invented this holiday to make money. Lisa, don't you ruin another Love Day. For you, Homie. I'm Sir Loves-A-Lot, the bear who loves to love. They didn't have Lord Huggington? It's the same basic bear, Homie. I guess.

I'm attracted to another woman. What am I going to do? Your infatuation is based on a physical attraction. Talk to the woman and you'll realize you have nothing in common. Barney, that is so insightful. How did you come up with that? It was on one of these bar napkins.

Then we saw Donald Sutherland's ass Animal house, house, house Animal house, house, house Then they did the end like American Graffiti Where you found out what happened to everyone

That was such an exciting night. Morley Safer has the biggest head I've ever seen. I really had fun. (SIGHS) It's gonna be a letdown going to school tomorrow. We have to make a pilgrim out of felt. Hey, I'm covering the UN Women's Conference in Capital City tomorrow.

Good afternoon and welcome to the Do What You Feel Festival.

They're not sad at all. They're actually singing! They sing without juicers. They sing without blenders. They sing without flunjers, capdabblers and smendlers!

Remember: Lie, cheat, steal and listen to heavy metal music ! Yes, sir !

Mmm. Sorry, Marge. I'm afraid this gets my lowest rating ever-- seven thumbs up. You always liked my pork chops. Marge, I'm sorry, but your cooking's only got two moves-- shake and bake.

Back in 'Nam, I could command respect.

"All I can give you in return is my soul, which I pledge to you forever." We've heard enough. Your Honor, we find that Homer Simpson's soul is legally the property... of Marge Simpson and not of the devil. Yea! Whoo-hoo-- Ow!

I'd like to read the following statement, but I do so under-- my own free will. "It has come to my attention that NBC sucks. "I apologize for misleading you and urge you to watch as many Fox shows as possible. So, in summary, NBC bad, Fox good." CBS great.

If they hire a woman, we won't be able to spit on the floor. And we can't take off our pants when it gets real hot. And we won't be able to pee in the drinking fountain. Yeah-- I mean, that-- You know, if we wanted to. Not that I ever did.

Next. Exc-ell-ent. Next. Exactly. D'oh! - Next! - ¡Excellente!

Shall I show you to your room, or would you prefer... to be dragged off kicking and screaming? Ooh, kicking and screaming, please. As you wish. Noooooo!

But we can't blame ourselves. We can and will !

You got it. What is it ? Wait ! Uh-- - Nothing. Wait. - What ? Beat but... don't kick. Hold the kicks. Got it. Wait. - What ? - Uh-- Um-- Uh-- What did Homey do, anyway ? He saved Mr. Burns's life !

Yuck! All right, uh, let's get started on lunch. And-- Wait. Where's Lenny? Hello? Can anybody hear me? I think I found a way out. It's not pretty, but it'll do.

I am evil Homer. I am evil Homer.

She can crush clams with them. Get it off, get it off, get it off! Here we have an Alaskan timber wolf. He weighs 240 pounds, and his jaws can bite through a parking meter. He does get spooked by loud noises. "Loud"? That's our secret word for the day!

Not a guarantee. Loving serenity. It's about damn time!

We've got no car. We've got no money. And no one knows we're here! We're stranded! But on the plus side, I knocked over the sun sphere. Ha-ha!

Okay, i hear that. i hear that, dudes! You too, Gracie music dude! Guh!

Skinner with his crazy explanations The superintendent's gonna need his medication When he hears Skinner's lame exaggerations There'll be trouble in town tonight Seymour!

Now, a brilliant jazz musician who's inspired me to do some improv poetry. Twinkle, twinkle, groovy cat. How I wonder where you at. I really love the way you cook. just like me when I wrote this book. How to Make Love to Steve Allen, from the author of Happiness is a Naked Steve Allen,

It was a tumultuous time for our nation. The clear-beverage craze gave us all a reason to live. The information superhighway showed the average person... what some nerd thinks about Star Trek. And the domestication of the dog continued unabated.

Say it, Frenchy. Say "chowdah"! Never!

To the most beautiful moment in life. Better than the deed, better than the memory-- the moment of anticipation. Oh, jacques, you handsome devil. Look at you. You're really going to strike out tonight !

Cool-- An oversize novelty billiard ball. You shake it up and it tells the future. Really? Uh-huh. Will I pass my English test? "Outlook not so good." Wow, it does work!

Well, that's too freakin' bad! I'll tell you where you can put your freakin' "sodie" too! Oh, my goodness!

Of course! Bowling! Bowling here! Come bowl now! Get your bowling! Who's ready? Bowling!

I'll mace you good! Your species is brutish and primitive!

All right! Special holiday meal. Where do you want these beef hearts? On the floor. It doesn't look very clean. just do your job, heart boy.

No jail can hold me.

All right, all right. Here you go, boy. Get the scent. That's a shame. He had one day left till retirement.

What'll I do? Frankly, my dear-- I love you. Let's remarry.

Well, I'm not giving my baby any more dangerous drugs. From now on, it's nothing but fresh air, lots of hugs and good old-fashioned Ritalin. You said a mouthful. When I can't stop fiddlin' I just takes me Ritalin I'm poppin' and sailin', man

It's a load-bearing poster. Now, this is a room with electricity, but it has too much electricity. So I don't know. You might want to wear a hat. Uh-huh. Floor feels a little gritty here.

How can I get her to notice me? Meet me at the tree house, Bart. And come alone.

Also, sir, your Loudmouth Leopard is a rip-off of Jackie Gleason. Humina, humina, humina, humina, humina. And Clutzy Cat sounds exactly like Jerry Lewis, with the stealing and the lawsuit and the "Oh, nice judge. Don't hurt a person with the thing."

Yeah! Lawsuit? Oh, come on! My "seven words you can't say on TV" bit was entirely different... from your "seven words you can't say on TV" bit! So I'm a thief, am I? Well, excu-u-uSe me! Give him 10 grand. Steve Martin on four. Ten grand.

Now, my story begins in nineteen dickety-two. We had to say "dickety," 'cause the kaiser had stolen our word "twenty." I chased that rascal to get it back... but gave up after dickety-six miles. Dickety? Highly dubious. What are you cackling at, fatty? Too much pie.

There's your problem.

Keep Gaming. What? It means gambling. Keep gambling. Oh. Right-eo. One betting disk, please. "One betting disk, please." Watch and learn. And 14 black. Well, there you go.

And when you couldn't find one? We went fishing. Do these sound like the actions of a man... who had "all he could eat"?

The sad truth is, all families are like us.

Keep 'em coming.

Agh, you know, we don't usually take rusty money. You're dyin', and you weren't even gonna stop at Moe's... for a last beer with your buddies ? Hey, Barney, look. It was on my list, along with a lot of other things I didn't get to do today. Hey, my boss !

Oh, my God! Mr. Burns is dead! Why do the good always die so young? You almost killed me! Please, sir. You'll catch-- cold.

Homer, no! Aaah! A hungry, hungry hippo. Aaah! Help! Kitenge! Now, Simpsons! Run for it.

Who the devil are you? Don't panic. just come up with a good story. My name is Mr. Burns. D'oh!

Mom, my potato is eating a carrot. That's it. From now on, I'm growing all our vegetables myself.

Sir, if I could just break in for a moment.

Well, time to go to work. Little do they know, I'm ducking out early... to take the Duff Brewery tour. Roll in at 9:00, punch out at 5:00. That's the plan. Heh, heh, heh! They don't suspect a thing. Well, off to the plant,

Sir, your beloved Isotopes are about to make history. Any thoughts? Oh, it's a great team, Kent. We never gave up hope. I want to thank jesus and say hi to my special lady, Marge. We did it, baby! Whoo! Whoo! The inspiring words of a fan who'll always root, root, root for the home team.

Quitting show biz. No, I like the area. But where does it go? Get away from me! Wait! We have more notes! Get off, damn you! You can kill me, but two more will take my place!

Warning! Warning! Prepare to be abducted.

Hey, Flanders, who put that bug up your butt ?

Dad, there's a bug on that. Eh.

Ooh! Can I have dinner? You can't have a brownie, period. Homer wants a brownie. I'm gonna get one. No. Coming in from the left. Stop it. Or is it the right? Look out for the reach-around! Homer! He shoots, he sc-- My thumb!

HAWKING: Badda-bing, badda-boom. And we're done.

your baby was fathered by a drooling space octopus? It made me angry, Jerry. Angry and tired. Well, you're about to get a whole lot angrier... because we have the extramarital extraterrestrial backstage... in a soundproof booth where he can't hear us.

("THREE STOOGES" NOSE TWISTING NOISE)

The zombies have the Earthlings on the run. Soon, the human race will wither and fall, like the earth plums we have seen on the observe-a-scope.

"Truth is beauty, beauty, truth," sir. They're discussing poetry. Oh, we never do that at my school. But the truth can be harsh and disturbing. How can that be considered beautiful? Oh, he sure sucked the fun out of that poem.

Ho, ho, ho! Merry everyone!

Oh, Mrs. Simpson, it may interest you to know, we are having a sale on blue dye number 52. It is your hair color, I believe. Whatever do you mean? I don't dye my hair. Nah, nah, nah. You got it wrong, 'pu. She's blue 56. I don't know what you're talking about.

It's, like, realsville, daddy-o. Ha ! - Bart, what are you doing ? - Uh-oh ! - Aah ! - Aah ! Why, you little-- Uh-oh ! Now I got ya ! Aah ! Aah ! Boy must die !

Oh, wait. No, I didn't. I meant to tell 'em.

You did this, Bart Simpson! The man knows quality work. This time you're in for it, Bart.

Are the luCkiest people

Early reports indicate, and these are very preliminary, that one of the fighters is a giant lizard. Do we have a source on this? Uh-huh. A bunch of drunken frat boys. All right. I could use some names. I.P. Freely. L--

He took Bart too? That wasn't part of our deal, Blackheart! That wasn't part!

Shoo, nerds! Shoo! Well, this muscle shirt's a pretty good find. Dad, that's a sports bra. All I know is I'm finally getting the support I need. Look, Dad! Barber hair!

These things happen. Eight dollars.

The king of splatter, Tom Savini! Good evening. Sorry, I had a really big dinner. Whoo! Dinner! But I'm sure one more french fry wouldn't hurt.

Good riddance. Wanna go celebrate? I feel like liver and onions. Mmm.

A fine mahoke to you all.

Oh, geez. This looks bad. Better turn on the old Wiggum charm. Pervert! Oh, boy. That sounded bad.

Hey, if you want wild bears eating your children... and scaring away your salmon, that's your business.

Ooh! One of the turkeys fell behind the bed. Mmm. Foot-long chili dog.

Homer, what is it? Slow down. Yer getta ferda redda oura.

Fat Tony, is that you? Fat Tony? Hey, where's that voice coming from? This guy's wearing a wire! Take him out! My bad. I can't work my answering machine either.

What'll I do? Frankly, my dear-- I love you. Let's remarry. Ahh. That's sweet. What a lovely ending. They cut out the best word. Didn't that movie used to have a war in it? Come on, you. You've been warned.

You know, you look a little flushed. Maybe you should eat more vegetables and less people. Uh-huh.

A spoor! Hmm-- His brand of gum, Doublemint. Trying to double your fun, eh, Bart? Well, I'll double your detention. I wish someone was around to hear that. And so we enter endgame.

You hit her pretty hard there, Rick. Say, folks, what's all the ruckus?

Like one time, we were having this race... with this stupid, old-timey bicycle with the big wheel in front. So, I figure, we'll see about that. So I get this big chunk of cinder block-- Oh, gotta go. Innocent!

I'm Anoop, you racist cracker!

Forget context. He's gotta be a surfer. Give me a nice schmear of surfer. I feel we should "rastafy" him by 10% or so.

Oh. So you're lookin' for a Mr. Smithers, eh? First name Waylon, is it? Listen to me, you! When I catch you, I'm gonna pull out your eyes and shove 'em down your pants... so you can watch me kick the crap outta you! Okay? Then I'm gonna use your tongue to paint my boat.

Hey, kids! Take a walk on the wild side! And all the races sing: doo doo-doo shooby dooby-doo doo doo-doo shooby dooby-doo Yeah! Can we go to Duff Gardens this weekend? Sure. Unless another aunt dies. Selma, your date's over already?

Stand aside, you degenerate two-bit proprietress. Don't you call me that. I'm an entrepreneuse. Oh, shut up! You're wasting valuable smashing time.

All right! The mummy's ready for his mystical journey!

Lisa, never, ever stop in the middle of a hoedown. Oh, honey, I didn't realize how much that horn meant to you. Don't worry. Daddy's gonna get it back. I don't know how, but I'll figure out something.

Okay, nobody move and nobody panic. When I give the word, everyone, ever so slowly, open your door and slide out. On the count of three. One--

If my dad could see this, he'd be so mad. He can. There's a Web cam right there. Of all the sites on all the Web... I had to click onto his. w'w' w'w'

In exchange for your silence, I'm prepared to offer your family free tickets to anywhere in the United States, excluding Alaska and Hawaii-- the freak states.

We offered you paradise. You would've experienced emotions a hundred times greater than what you call love... and a thousand times greater than what you call fun. You would've been treated like gods and lived forever in beauty. But now, because of your distrustful nature, that can never be.

Shouldn't you people be groveling?

Howdily-do-- - Greetings, friend-- - Dang! I told you to unplug the phone. But it could be my mother. Howdy-- Shoot! Greetings, friend-- That is it, Ned. If you don't unplug that phone right now, you're sleeping on the lawn. Will you two shut up? People are trying to sleep!

And I want everyone in this plant to realize it. I would die a happy man if I could prove to you... that Homer Simpson has the intelligence of a six-year-old. So. How you doin'? Hmm? Oh, here we go.

Hang on, everyone. We're taking the old Simpson shortcut. So long, suckers. Whoa! Eat my dust, suckers. Stop calling everyone suckers.

Dad, aren't you coming? No. Now, don't pout. I'm not pouting. You are. You gotta come. I just got your hat out of the fridge.

We've got a stowaway, sir. I'll pay. How much ? Twice the fare from Tucson to Flagstaff... minus two-thirds of the fare from Albuquerque to El Paso. Whoa !

Spin the middle side topwise. Topwise! Now I remember why I put this down here in the first place!

Hey, I'm a Buddhist! My Satan sense is tingling. Into the root cellar, boys. When can we come out? Maybe never. Yea!

Let's get it on. Now I know how Dean Rusk feels. Good night, everybody.

There's a can. You have to cut these six-pack holders up, otherwise fish get trapped in them. I see. Ha-ha!

It's Toys for Guns!

Hurts, don't it? Right. Do you know what a wet willie is? - Is it this? - Hey, baby! How about puttin' your finger in my ear? Well, I don't know. Your boyfriend looks like the jealous type. Hey, what the-- That chick's messin' with our minds. Let's get out of here.

You're all sick! Oh, be nice! Oh! My son doesn't stand a chance! The whole world's gone gay! Oh, my God! What's happening now? We work hard. We play hard.

All right. I'll bring in a woman. But I still stand by my hiring policies. Get back to work, Stewart!

This isn't funny!

And the healthy snacks are on their way. You can't take our doughnuts! Yaah! Right. Anyone else want to be a hero? Ooh.

Honey, I'm home! Hello, dear. How was work at the plant? It's not a plant, Marge, it's a tree. And I've nearly chewed through it. Now, remember, my new boss is coming home for dinner tonight. I know. And I made your favorite-- "stakes!"

Yes. Dr. Foster here. Ned Flanders? You're sure? No, no, no. I'll come right over. And may God have mercy on us all. Darling, there's an emergency at the hospital. Where are my shoes? Oh, I think they're in the den.

I can't keep up this pace forever. Hi, I'm Troy McClure. You might remember me from such telethons as... "Out with Gout '88" and "Let's Save Tony Orlando's House." Folks, do you realize without your support, public television can't afford to bring you such award-winning shows as... Edward the Penitent?

Bart, why are you talking like that? Yeah, and who the hell are you talkin' to? Marge, do you have other men in this house? Radioactive men? I'm practicing my Fallout Boy dialogue.

Oh, man, that guy's tough to love.

And when he sees you treating women as objects,

ShAving my shoulders I'm gettin' it all shaved off Homie, someone's at the door.

than as a homicidal maniac or a clown's sidekick. Aha! I knew it! You're still angry that Krusty picked me instead of you. - I can't imagine what you mean. - Oh, come now! You wanted to be Krusty's sidekick since you were five! What about the buffoon lessons? The four years at clown college?

Trust in yourself and you can achieve anything. All right! Now all we need is a name.

Now, a brilliant jazz musician who's inspired me to do some improv poetry. Twinkle, twinkle, groovy cat. How I wonder where you at. I really love the way you cook. just like me when I wrote this book. How to Make Love to Steve Allen, from the author of Happiness is a Naked Steve Allen, journey to the Center of Steve Allen,

And we need young smokers to take their place. I don't wanna be a spokesperson for a cigarette company! But you're a role model to young people.

A little predinner entertainment. Moe's Tavern. Is Oliver there ? Who ? Oliver Klozoff. Hold on. I'll check. Oliver Klozoff ! Call for Oliver Klozoff !

Forty years ago,

No thanks to you, Homer. Why, you little-- Now, Homer, please. The boy's just had a very serious operation. Oh, right.

Yes, I'll hold. Everybody loves A clown so why don't you Yep, here's your problem.

Hang on. The manual says I need to log on to the onboard computer. M-A-R-G-E. Hello, Marge. Where would you like to go today? No one has ever asked me that before in my life.

Whee, I'm Dick Tracy! Bam! Take that, Prune Face! Now I'm Prune Face! Take that, Dick Tracy! Now I'm Prune Tracy! Take that, Dick-- Ned, stop it at once! Stop it!

Hey ! Wha-- Come on, you stupid tube ! Hmm. Looks like there's a jam in Delta sector. It's too big to be human. Send down a few kids. That should dislodge it. Roger.

And just look how happy he is.

Lisa, come on. Your tomato soup is getting a skin on top. Fine. She doesn't get her skin. Lisa insulted us, Mom. She thinks she is so great. I'll dance on her grave. Bart! What? Oh, napkin. Right.

Slow down, sir. You're going to give yourself skin failure.

Hi-yo! Hi-yo! Got your nose. Got your wallet. No! Bart, don't you ever do that again. Understand? Beep.

Ja. Thank you. Ja. That's nice. Let's say hello to my music guy, Scoey. That is some outfit, Scoey. It makes you look like a homosexual. Oh.

Mrs. Simpson, you're under oath. We drove around until 3:00 a.m., looking for another all-you-can-eat fish restaurant. And when you couldn't find one? We went fishing. Do these sound like the actions of a man...

Sir, that's a check for your boweling. Oh, yes. That's very important. Yes, sir. Remember that month you didn't do it? Yes, that was unpleasant for all concerned. Anyway, back to the checks. Stop everything! I don't remember writing a check for bowling.

Sweetheart, what's the matter? Not getting enough of the good stuff? D'oh!

You know, Simpson, from the moment you walked into my office... I had a feeling I'd kill you in a hall of mirrors.

This is what a cornfield looks like, honey. You think those things could also have contributed to my fear of flying?

our leader will throw open the doors of the forbidden barn, where we will all board our intergalactic vehicle-- rows one through 30 first. Upon our arrival, we will begin our new, perfect lives on Blisstonia, well-known for its high levels of bliss. I don't know about you, but they're not exactly winning me over...

Hello. My name is Mr. Snrub, and I come from, uh, someplace far away. Yes, that will do. Anyway, i-i say we invest that money back in the nuclear plant. I like the way Snrub thinks.

(ALL SCREAM) (STUTTERS) Yes, Superintendent Chalmers? Do you know what today is? Today? Yes, of course I do! Happy birthday to you, happy... It not my birthday, Seymour. You know I'm a Sagittarius. Really? I'm a Libra. There's a lot of compatibility there.

Meet me in the alley in 15 minutes. Come alone.

"Decalcify calcium ducts?" Well, give me a "Y." Give me a-- Hey. All I have to type is "Y." Hey, Miss Doesn't Find Me Attractive Sexually Anymore. I just tripled my productivity. Good. Good for you. "Y." "Y."

Yeah. Yeah. Ha, ha! April Fools'. I've been keeping that carton of milk next to the furnace for six weeks. Sucker! You're goin' down, Homer. I'm gonna fool you. You talk better than you fool. I'll fool you up real nice.

That's wonderful is what I feel when we're together Brighter than a lucky penny when you're near The rain clouds disappear dear and I feel so fine

Ahh. Ah-- Oh, my God. I gotta do something! Come on, transmit. Transmit!

I hope you're someplace warm. You bet your sweet...

Hey! Your early porno movies. Oh, wait. Are any ofthese hetero? What’s there is there.

I gotta get back to bed. What happened? Where's Christmas? Lisa, where's Christmas? Bart, what were you doing outside?

A paddy wagon is now speeding to your home. Hey! While you wait, why not buy a police cap or t-shirt? You have the right to remain fabulous. Here it is, everybody-- The world's greatest Web site.

You're goin' down, Homer. I'm gonna fool you. You talk better than you fool. I'll fool you up real nice. You couldn't fool your mother on the foolingest day of your life... if you had an electrified fooling machine.

You, sir, are a moron! A Mormon? But I'm from earth! Oh, for heaven sakes! Your majesty, can I go home now? Your company's crimes have left a scar on this great nation. And she was so beautiful. But what man would want her now? MAN: I wouldn't want her... KRUSTY: Yeah, she was hot.

for a life-long Republican? In our overcrowded cell we became little more than beasts. Who used my chap stick? Oh, i did. Here you go. I don't want it.

Let us kill the English. Their concept of individual rights... could undermine the power of our beloved tyrants. Yea!

"Stir in two cups of checks. Sprinkle liberally with balances." "Ding, dong. The sounds of the Liberty Bell. Ding-- freedom. Dong-- opportunity. Ding-- excellent schools. Dong-- quality hospitals."

We just want to live peacefully with your wife. No! My wife is not a doobie to be passed around! I took a sacred vow on my wedding day... to bogart her forever! Oh, Homie. There's only one reasonable way to settle this.

Here's Lisa today. Without treatment, here's what she'll look like at age 11, age 14, age 17... and, finally, age 18.

Mmm, McNuggets. f Sia vering f i ii get those no-good indians. .. - fast as sure as my favorite book is- - f Homer's Voice] Magazines. f Homer Snoring f - f Bats Voice] Wake up, Dad. - [Homer's Voice f Huh? What?

Somebody check the men's room for a huge ass. I'm Hugh jazz. Telephone. This is Hugh jazz.

Lionel Hats, court-appointed attorney. I'll be defending you on the charge of... murder one! Wow. Even if I lose, I'll be famous.

Ooh ! Gorilla the Conqueror. The granddaddy of them all. Oh, well, maybe just one more hour. It's so unfair. just because he's different.

Tell me where you're from. Georgia. Texas. Uh... Brooklyn. Russia. New Hampshire. Homer!

we can't even get any local laws passed without everyone singing like A big Broadway cast

Welcome to Japan, folks. The local time is... tomorrow.

(LOUD MUSIC PLAYING) Turn that down. Screw you. (GRUNTS)

You heard the monkey. Make the trade. For automated stock prices, please state the company name. Animotion. Animotion, up one and one-half.

Well, I also have a song to sing. Don't make up your mind until you hear both songs. Morals and ethics and carnal forbearance--

Nobody knows. It's a secret. I didn't get my bonus this year. But to keep the family from missing out on Christmas, I'd do anything. I'll say, Dad. You must really love us to sink so low. Now, let's not get mushy, son. I still have a job to do.

Don't judge her too harshly, Sergeant. She was a lonely old woman. If you must blame someone, blame me. That's pretty much what I was planning to do there, Armin. Well, that's about it. And so, for the past 26 years, I've dedicated myself to living out your dream.

Cool! High-tech security system.

I give you the former poet laureate of the United States, Mr. Robert Pinsky. Tonight I'll be reading from a copy of my book I just checked out at Atherton Library!

Give me the bear.

Of course I don't believe it... (SCREAMS) Hi, Lisa. I brought you the Cap City version of Monopoly. Baltic Avenue is now Wayne Street. It's awesome!

Isometric exercise. Care to join me? Why is there smoke coming out of your oven, Seymour? Uh-- Oh. That isn't smoke. It's steam. Steam from the steamed clams we're having. Mmm. Steamed clams. Whew.

Uh, actually, I was wondering if you were free... for a little get-together tonight. Dinner, dancing, and... Mr. Tom jones. Hello, Marge. That's it. Big smile. Everybody's happy. Oh, my goodness!

Double dang! Aw, donkey butter! Oh, it's no use. I got an idea.

I think you're making him angry. Come on. What's he gonna do? Run amok in downtown Springfield?

You know, you can influence people without badgering them always. It's like Paul's song, "Live and Let Live." It was "Live and Let Die." Whatever, whatever. It had a good rhythm. I guess I have been pretty hard on a lot of people, especially my dad. Thanks, you guys.

Far too much dancing, not nearly enough prancing. A little mincing would be nice.

My name is Hans. Drinking has ruined my life. I'm 31 years old.

What's the matter? Can't you find a hairstyle you like? Hold the phone. That's the one for me. - Ed Asner? - No, next to him. Mary Tyler Moore. - Mmm. - Mmm. - Mmm. Expiration date, june 1989, uh, 2012, yeah.

Oh, there's so much I don't know about astrophysics. I wish I read that book by that wheelchair guy.

The way I see it, instead of shampoo, Itchy Covers Scratchy's hair with barbecue sauce, opens a box of flesh-eating ants, and the rest writes itself. Ah, this show ain't no good.

Thanks, Flanders. I have to agree that everything certainly-- Huh?

Come on, come on. Let's go! No! My Spine-O-Cylinder! They'll pay for what they did to my can! Forget it, Homer. It's Chiro-town.

Uh, Tony, please! No. I just ate a whole plate of "dingamagoo."

Are you a Care Bear? I'm an Intensive Care Bear. Why does a bear need a crowbar? I don't like to get my hands dirty. (FESTIVE MUSIC PLAYING) Ahhh!

I'll take this Communist one too.

I don't feel right. Do you hear that, Bart?

Hey, Alison, what's the answer to number nine? I can't tell you, Ralph. I can't tell you either, Ralph. Leave me alone.

this reporter found it impossible to stop talking. It's just really fascinating news, folks. Good night. Oh, and the president was arrested for murder. More on that tomorrow night. Or you can turn to another channel. Oh. Do not turn to another channel.

There's the coffee mug from Heartbeeps! And there's the cane from Citizen Kane! Wait a minute. There was no cane in Citizen Kane. And there's that awful script from The Cable Guy. Lemme see. Stupid script! Nearly wrecked jim Carrey's career!

They made an elephant! It's hauntingly beautiful, isn't it?

Oh, man. You want a bad night? Try sleeping on one of these.

Ralph. "A." Janey. "A." And, Lisa, for your-- essay, "jebediah Springfield: Super-Fraud," "F." But it's all true. This is nothing but... dead-white-male bashing from a P.C. thug. It's women like you who keep the rest of us from landing a husband.

"And finally, make sure the net is tight and springy." Hmm. That seems about right. You know, a tennis court can really make your house look classy. I hear Mel Brooks has one.

There is no way I'm going to be dating a man with pie on his face. (SOBBING) (ALL LAUGHING) There's a note! (READING) Finally, a superhero that kids can love. What about Fist Face?

Right now I'm thinking about holding another meeting... in bed.

Your family is better than my family ! Your beer comes from farther away than my beer ! You and your son like each other ! Your wife's butt is higher than my wife's butt ! You make me sick !

Okay, don't panic. Remember what the instructor said. If you ever get into trouble, all you need to do is-- Feels like I'm wearing nothin' at all. Nothin' at all. Nothin' at all. Stupid sexy Flanders! Ow! My leg! This is the worst pain ever!

Hello ? Simpson, this is Sylvia Winfield. That canine of yours is in my pool again. I'm calling the dog warden right now ! Oh, are you ? Well, you go ahead... and call your precious dog warden, you old battle axe, because my dog is tied up in the backyard. There's only one family on this block--

The point is I want you to stop making these calls. All right, Mom. I promise you will never be billed for another call. Bobby Sherman.

Far too much dancing, not nearly enough prancing. A little mincing would be nice.

So forceful and raw. It didn't ask. It just took. Canyonero Hyah! oh canyonero Oh, Canyonero.

Well done. Their fleet is destroyed. (SINISTER LAUGHTER) Daddy, I had the craziest dream. Ralphie, you're still in it. Whee!

Yes. Yes. And you call them steamed hams despite the fact that they are obviously grilled. Ye-- You know, the-- One thing I should-- - Excuse me for one second. - Of course.

A hand! Ow! Daddy, something attacked me! Oh, now, Roddy, it's just a stuck ball. I'll get it.

(MIMICKING ELVIS PRESLEY) Hey, baby, come here. I want to kiss you. (KISSING) Squeak, squeak! No, don't kiss me.

Stop it, please. I'm trying to eat. And all those feet going by the window are really creeping me out. ts like we're at Cheers. I loved that show, because you always knew it was only a half hour till Wings. Then you could just sleep till Monday. Bye, Mom.

In culture-- dead last. Eleanor, we've got to do something about this depression. So I propo-- Oh, that's right. I'm crippled.

Yep, this place is great. Someday, when Lisa and Bart get married, it'll all be theirs. Yuck! You mean when they marry other people. Okay, but I ain't payin' for two weddin's.

Welcome, everyone! Today, we embark... on a new era of intelligent governance. Governance! Governance! Governance!

Why, you little-- Stop it, Homer. That's inhumane. Use the choke chain. Fine!

Isn't there something you'd like to say? There sure is. Kids, you tried your best, and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

Okay, you're fightin' a guy named Boxcar Bob. Brawled his way up from the boxcars, did he? Uh, no, not yet. He still lives at the train yard. But he's a hungry young fighter. In fact, he's actually fightin' for a sandwich. Homer, I want you to have my lucky mitts. I hope you do better with 'em than I did.

No, Bart. This note isn't about you. It isn't ? There must be some mistake. Hey, you're right. This note's about Lisa. Lisa ?

Beret of poodle on my noodle it shall rest Try my red-robin suit It comes one breast or two See my vest see my vest See my vest

I'm not a stabbin' hobo. I'm a singin' hobo. Nothin' beats the hobo life Stabbin' folks with my hobo knife I gouge them-- Excuse me, Hobo.

This enormous woman will devour us all! Aaah!

Thanks for buyin' us these toys, Grampa. Bah! Why didn't you get something useful, like storm windows? Or a nice pipe organ? I'm thirsty. Ooh, what smells like mustard?

This is Kent Brockman with a special live report... from the headquarters of Krusty opponent, John Armstrong. How can I prove we're live? Penis. Now here's the candidate.

Nice grizzlies. Nice grizzlies. That's a good grizzly. Oh. Oh. Huh ? Maggie ! Oh, my little girl. Nice grizzlies. Nice grizzlies.

They fight and bite They bite and fight and bite Bite, bite, bite Fight, fight, fight The Itchy and Scratchy Show As we join tonight's adventure, we find Itchy at the counter of his butcher shop. Hiya, Scratchy.

So, did you kids have fun ? Yeah, Mom. Guess what. For a dollar, a man sold me 35 Caspers and a dozen Lois Lanes.

You guys must be getting pretty tired of that movie by now. No one who saw the movie would say that! Let's get him!

What the hell was that? Calling home planet. This is Ensign Kang reporting a cigar-shaped object moving at tremendous speed. Sure, Kang, I'm writing it all down.

Sure. I can loan you all the money you need. However, since you have no collateral, I'm gonna have to break your legs in advance.

And what are those men doing under my van? Look, lady, if I was you, I would just leap into the air, as I'm preparing to do. - Here ya go, Homer. - Thanks, Moe.

Crush! Kill! Destroy!

Mmm. That's good Billy. Mr. McClure, what does D.N.A. stand for? That didn't answer anything. I need more information. Would you like to see it again? Isn't there any way I can change my D.N.A.,

Ah, Homer, we're gonna visit the boys' grandmother. Family only, you know? Right. No reporters. No. I-- I-- I mean just the Flanders family. Oh, okay.

All right. That's it.

Drink up, Judah Ben-Hur. You truly are the king of kings. Excellent.

We've had lots and lots

Precious Venus.

I didn't do it !

- Are you guys working? - Yes, sir, Mr. Simpson. Could you, um, work any harder than this? Sure thing, boss.

(TELEPHONE RINGING) Hi, Janey. Branford Marsalis' car broke down outside your house? And he's just jamming till Wynton shows up? (GASPS) Oh... Um... Some other time maybe.

Stuff starts disappearing-- That's enough. There's a problem with the reactor. What do you do? A problem with the reactor?! We're all going to die!

Mom! Lise! Check it out. Dad's on TV. Oh, yeah!

Oh, to make her feel good. Oh, Homie. You're trying to improve yourself and it's because of my book. That's right. I love you, Marge. And I realize now I should show you more often. The end of your book was the wakeup call I needed after falling asleep at the beginning of your book.

Smithers, who was that corpse?

The ventriloquist goes to heaven, but the dummy doesn't. - Oh, oh, oh ! Me ! - Bart ? What about a robot with a human brain ? I don't know ! All these questions ! Is a little blind faith too much to ask ? Yea ! Don't forget next week. Remember to read--

All right, brain. You don't like me, and I don't like you,

Homer. Homer, why didn't you tell me? I was ashamed, Marge. I failed you as a husband and a provider. And at best I was a B-plus dog. I'll understand if you want to sleep on the couch tonight.

What? Already? Yes.

Yeah? See, I got this friend named Joey jo-jo junior Shabadoo. That's the worst name I ever heard. Bye, joey jo-jo! Oh, what the hell? It's me. I'm attracted to another woman. What am I going to do?

"Is it St. Swiven's Day already?' ''Tis,' replied Aunt Helga."

not gonna teach forever Gonna give showbiz A try Try I didn't think it was physically possible, but this both sucks and blows. That'S famE

Oh. Like how we built that snowman together in that Newport ad? Remember how "alive with pleasure" they said we were?

If they hire a woman, we won't be able to spit on the floor. And we can't take off our pants when it gets real hot. And we won't be able to pee in the drinking fountain. Yeah-- I mean, that-- You know, if we wanted to. Not that I ever did. Gentlemen, I'd like you to meet your new coworker, Mindy Simmons.

Sorry, Rosarita. I got to get to my birthday party. Farewell, SeÑor Bart.

Hmm. The child seems rattled. Can you blame him ? No. No, I can't. There, there, Mr. Burns. Blow, sir.

Homer? Homer? Y'ello? Homer, there's a man here who thinks he can help you. Batman? No, he's a scientist. Batman's a scientist. It's not Batman!

This is the Dj-3000. It plays CDs automatically, and it has three distinct varieties of inane chatter. Hey, hey, how about that weather out there? Whoa, that was the caller from hell. Well, hot dog, we have a "Wiener."

Below! Thanks, little girl! The knee bone's connected to the... Something the something's connected to the Red thing the Red thing's connected to my wristwatch Uh-oh.

Yeah. Just watch. Whoo-hoo!

Girl, you really got me going you got me so I don't know what I'm doing now You a winner! Ha-ha-ha! You a winner! Ha-ha-ha! You a winner! Ha-ha-ha!

Hey, robot, get your fat metal ass down here!

And you like snakes, don't you, Barry White? I love the sexy slither of a lady snake. Oh, baby.

Do you need a beer to fall asleep? Thank you. That'd be nice. Do you ever hide beer around the house? Do I ever! Ah! Do you ever drink to escape from reality?

Well, well, well. Look who needs us again to get his chauffeur's license. Look. All I ask is that you be fair. Oh. Did not adjust side mirror. Minus one point. Failed to check blind spot. Minus two points. You won't be happy till my family thinks I'm a loser, will you? You are a loser, Homer. And we're winners. You gotta learn that. Ooh. Seat belt twisted. Minus one point.

But I'm out of the woods now, right? I mean, whatever doesn't kill me can only make me stronger. Oh, no. Quite the opposite. It's made you weak as a kitten.

Mmmwha ! Gotta go. Ba, ba Ba, ba, ba-ba, ba-ba ba-ba, ba, ba Come, children. Let's go watch the Happy Little Elves. We've seen the Crappy Little Elves about 14 billion times. Maybe we can watch some real TV. We're gonna watch the tape. Aw ! That's merely suggested viewing matter, lady.

Well, actually you did. Yarr, yarr.

Come on, Mom. Yeah, Mom. Hurry up.

it's company policy to give you the plague.

The time will just fly by. w'w'f TV Theme: King ofthe Hilly

So let's all prove how adult we can be... by filing to the gym in a calm and orderly manner. Even though it's first come, first serve, and the most popular sports fill up fast. Too many wee ones! This gets uglier every year.

No giggling! It weakens the haunches!

Ooh, boy, Flipsy! You and I are going on a road trip. Whoa! Ha-ha.

My name is Otto. I love to get blotto. My name is Hans. Drinking has ruined my life. I'm 31 years old. My name is Homer, and I'm just here because the court made me come.

A storm is coming! I feel it in my bone! Mesdames et messieurs, it appears the Cloud Goddess is ripe with rain babies. We must run for our trucks!

Ah, no, that's Mayor Quimby. Ah, here we go. Precious Venus. Thank you.

That's enough, Gloria ! Thank you, Gloria. john, why don't you tell us a little about why you're here ? She never cooks, she keeps a filthy house and she talks profanely. - She's the queen of the harpies. - No, I'm not. - Queen of the harpies ! Here's your crown, Your Majesty ! - No, I'm not. Get away from me, you swine ! You've come to the right place.

Wait. If I could only stay on the air, I'd have 100% of the audience. Think of the ratings.

I rolled up all the socks. What's next? - While I deal with this, why don't you start on that basket? - All right. Ohh! I hate folding sheets. That's your underwear. Well, whatever it is, it's a two-man job. Where's Bart? He's up in his room. Bart!

Anybody? Okay. That's okay. Because making a happy home isn't like flipping on a light switch. Duh, light switch? There are tricks to it, things you should have learned a long time ago, such as, if you leave milk out, it can go sour. Put it in the refrigerator, or, failing that, a cool, wet sack.

Hmm? Mr. Burns, I think he's dead. Oh, dear. Send a ham to his widow. Mmm. Ham. No, wait. He's alive. Oh, good. Cancel the ham. D'oh!

Release the dogs. Gee, they look pretty mad. Yeah, I've been starvin' 'em, teasin' 'em, singing off-key. No! Nice doggy.

Sorry. Here is an ordinary square. Whoa! Whoa! Slow down, egghead. But suppose we extend the square beyond the two dimensions of our universe... along the hypothetical "Z" axis there. This forms...

Whoo-hoo. Go, S.U.! A&M is gonna kick your ivy-covered butts. Yeah? Well, you went to a cow college. Oh, you're only calling us a cow college 'cause we were founded by a cow.

Ha, ha! April Fools'. I've been keeping that carton of milk next to the furnace for six weeks. Sucker! You're goin' down, Homer. I'm gonna fool you. You talk better than you fool. I'll fool you up real nice. You couldn't fool your mother on the foolingest day of your life... if you had an electrified fooling machine.

Shut up! Shut up!

(GRUNTS) Lisa, what are you doing in there? Praying to Buddha, Jesus, SpongeBob. There's no time to be picky. Perhaps we should help. Screw her! (LAUGHS)

S-S-So cold! Your lips are turning blue. I think you better stay home. No! Duff Gardens. Hurrah!

Your paychecks, gentlemen. Whoo-hoo! This is it! With this single glorious check, I'm finally completely out of debt.

Look, if you ignore me and I die, you'll get in a lot of trouble. Read page six of the school charter. "No teacher shall be held accountable if Bart Simpson dies." We're also absolved if Milhouse gets eaten by the school snake. Hey, cool! There's a rabbit in here!

Here, kids. I guess you deserve this. Let's go. I guess nobody likes the truth, huh, Grampa? Nope. I'll never watch an awards show again. Unless that delightful Billy Crystal's involved. Marge! I passed!

I couldn't tell you how many hours. It was a labor of love. It's my homage to some American heroes... who may not have fought in any wars, but who nevertheless-- Speaking of heroes, here's mine. Tom Turkey ! Ooh, yikes ! What is that ?

And that's when the CHUDs came at me. Oh, Homer, of course you'll have a bad impression of New York... if you only focus on the pimps and the CHUDs. Oh, I'd love to see New York. We could all go with the bus company's special super-sitter fare. Nine bucks? This one's on me! Great! We're all going to New York!

Bash their butts! Kick their shins! Kill the dorks! Bash their butts! Run away! The hunt is on.

I feel that you should shut up. You know, you really irritate me, Skinner. What with your store-bought haircut and excellent posture. - Mister, I can't stand the sound of your voice. - Oh, really? Oh, now, now. There's no need to resort to violence. Aw, sure there is.

Skinner is A nut he has A rubber butt Young man, I can assure you... my posterior is nothing more than flesh, bone and that metal plate I got in 'Nam.

Pish-posh. It will be like taking candy from a baby. Say, that sounds like a "larf." Let's try it right now. Eh, oh, there's some candy right here, sir. - Why don't we eat this instead of stealing? - Oh, very well.

Spare my family. Take me. Take me. Hmm? Brains! Brains! Brains! Brains!

(ALL CHEERING) I don't understand. After all the corruption and deceit we witnessed, how can everyone just party? Lisa, the world is a very complicated place. And when you get right down to it... Cannonball!

Catch you on the flip side, "dudemeisters." Not! Hey, kids, always recycle... to the extreme! Busted!

Dang! That was my last quarterback. Now what am I gonna do? You! Me? Yeah, you. Get your hand off my wife's leg. Sorry.

Lookin' for a good time, sailor? I certainly am. No, you're not! He's really not.

Agreed. First prize.

Stop the clapping! You'll kill us all! Lisa's gone berserk. Do something, Homer. Do something!

We'll get it back or choke their rivers with our dead!

What the hell is that?

I'm so proud of you, Mr. Burns. You're getting your fortune back, and you're doing it without endangering the planet... or cozying up to the Aspen crowd. Oh, hold your accolades till the end of the tour. You haven't seen the best part. I couldn't watch your demonstration of the fish caught in the plastic rings... without getting an idea.

Not the swear jar! It's the only thing holding back the filth! Nutty fudgkins!

I learned to read because of you, Principal Skinner. Sir, I baked you these raisin roundies. Principal Skinner, I got carsick in your office.

The best damn pet shop in town! Yeah! All right. But you people remember, baby turtles and alligators may seem like a cute idea for a pet, but they grow up. Let's go, boys.

What's the matter, Lisa?

Come here. Shh. Where are we going ?

Heads up! Here comes the real comptroller. This grant ensures a lightbulb in every classroom... and a high-definition TV for the teachers' lounge. Now, where's the little girl who made this grant possible?

Five, six, don't play tricks Seven, eight, clean your plate Nine, ten, start over again! English - US - Line 21

I spent the next three years in a P.O.W. camp, forced to subsist on a thin stew made of fish, vegetables, prawns, coconut milk and four kinds of rice. I came close to madness trying to find it here in the States, but they just can't get the spices right. Uh, my punishment? Hmm? Oh, I'm gonna have to think about that.

"Loud"? That's our secret word for the day! Oh, my God! Baah!

Hello, everybody! Sparkle, sparkle. Bart! An earring. How rebellious.

Why aren't you living it up in your palace in Europe? Well, let's just say I... hate crime. Arrest that guy. And that's the end of that chapter.

People of Springfield, Whacking Day is a sham. It was started in 1924 as an excuse to beat up the Irish. 'Tis true. I took many a lump. But 'twas all in good fun.

Homer, Homer, you'll be a great manager. There's only one thing you need. This is made from a space-age fabric... developed especially for Elvis. Sweat actually cleans this suit. Hmm.

This island is a death hole. We should've just swum for it like Otto.

Attention. This is an emergency broadcast. All is well in the school. My authority as principal is total--

Aw, man. We could've been on the cover of Mad. They called me "Smelson!" Ha-ha! Smelson. It's funny 'cause you smell. Smelson. I could've thought of that. Sure ya could've. Off ya go now.

It's time for the main course! Back to class, lad. Nothin' to see here.

You don't understand. I don't belong there. The other girls are already into fashion and makeup and dating. They make me feel like a little baby. Oh, honey. A baby couldn't have organized a big school dance...

Santa's Little Helper? Guess I was the only one who loved him. You got that right! Remember the time he ate my goldfish, and you lied to me and said I never had any goldfish? But why did I have the bowl, Bart? Why did I have the bowl? Yeah. He was a great dog.

Do you know what today is? Today? Yes, of course I do! Happy birthday to you, happy... It not my birthday, Seymour. You know I'm a Sagittarius. Really? I'm a Libra. There's a lot of compatibility there. Skinner, be gay on your own time.

- be under more felicitous circumstances. - Ga? - Take care. - Ba. Sideshow Bob has no decency. He called me "Chief Piggum." Oh, now I get it. That's good.

But he fired me. Now I spend my days drinking cheap scotch and watching Comedy Central. Oh, dear God! Oh, it's not that bad. I mean, I never miss Pardon My Zinger.

Marge, kids. Have you people forgotten our little competition? Last one in the cabin is fired. You're fired, Lenny. Aw, nuts!

Mmm. (CHUCKLES) We British sure eat crap. (IN COCKNEY ACCENT) Inspector, might I have a word with you? Absolutely. (GAGGING) Get back down there, you! (GRUNTING) You were saying? Well, it's like this. I'm a proper Cockney flower girl, I am.

Oh! Diablo Canyon 2, why can't you be more like Diablo Canyon 1?

Why, looking into this loveable mutt's eyes just melts my heart. Seymour, all is forgiven. Make way for Willie!

"Put food in me." I'll take that.

That's not a cookie. That's a time-release blood pack. You, sir, are a perfect patsy. Let me shake your hand. To the gag, I will give a D-plus. As for the workmanship on the hand, it-- Oh.

You are truly the standout of this year's Big Science Thing.

Why, look, it's my celebrity neighbor Elliott Gould! Your monkey bit my kid again! Well, if he would stop wearing the banana suntan lcytion- Say hello to Bob- and Carol and Ted and Alice- Oh, that's it, Gould! And you keep your lousy dog off my lawn!

You light up my - our song. Life I bet the guy she was singing that about was real happy. Actually, she was singing about God. Oh, well, he's always happy. No, wait, he's always mad.

At any rate, the F.B.I. will track down this mystery woman... and put her behind bars. How does it happen, joe? How does what happen? How does a sweet young lady mortgage her future... for a bunch of scraggly ideals and greasy-haired promises? Maybe she thought the war in Southeast Asia was so immoral her end justified the means.

But we'll reduce the sentence if you put your pants on... fast! God! Come on, Romeo. They can't lock me up for long, Agnes. Will you wait for me? Are you crazy? My bones are half dust.

We're not prisoners anymore. We're free! We can go anywhere we want.

Here it is, everybody--

- Oh, I hope I didn't miss the floor show. - Nope. - Is Roxanne back? - Yep. - Did she, uh, get my flowers? - She did. I-- Hello, Bart. Hello, Principal Skinner. This is the National Air and Space Museum, isn't it?

D'Oh! D'Oh! D'Oh!

But I guess I was wrong. You are a bad father. Leave me alone.

Listen, if you will, to my revenge. Uno, dos, tres. Wounds won't last long But an insulting song Burns will always carry with him So I settle my score on the salsa floor

So I said to him, "Look, buddy, your car was upside down when we got here. And as for your grandma, she shouldn't have mouthed off like that!"

There are only 49 stars on that flag. I'll be deep in the cold, cold ground before I recognize Missouri. Now it's time for the Innocence Report with Homer Simpson. Hello. I am Homer Simpson,

But where will I sleep ? My suggestion... is for you to sleep in the filth you created.

I heard your dad went into a restaurant and ate everything in the restaurant, and they had to close the restaurant. My dad may have gained a little weight, but he's not some kind of food-crazed maniac. Ah! Oh! That's raspberry. Oh.

"Yvan eht nioj." They keep saying that. Wait. What was that? Uncle Sam? Let me play this backwards. Join the navy Join the navy.

And I wandered away from the group, married a bear... and I started up my family. I told you I aint a bear! Rawr, rawr, rawr! No one understands you, She-Bear!

What really matters is my title. I think I'll make myself... vice president. No, wait. Junior vice president.

But you've gotta come back, Mel! - We're a team. - No, Krusty. You always treated me rather shabbily. On our last show, you poured liquid nitrogen down my pants... and cracked my buttocks with a hammer.

Lieutenant Smash! Yeah, that's right. Lieutenant L.T. Smash. A wig! But-- But your pant legs. How could you soil the good name of Star Blitzzz Promotions?

Mom, I thought you might forget our conversation this afternoon so I took the precaution of recording it. What conversation? Mom, can Otto live in our garage? He sure can. Marge, what were you thinking? That's not my voice. Oh, everybody says that when they hear themselves on tape.

under the name of J.D. MacGregor. How can a hamster write mysteries? Well, he gets the ending first. Then he works backward.

My name is Kang, - and this is my sister, Kodos. - Hello. I suppose you wanna probe me. Well, might as well get it over with. Stop! We have reached the limits of what rectal probing can teach us.

Five hundred dollars? Yes, well, uh-- Cool! Glad you're happy. Let's roll. I can't believe it! Five hundred bucks!

I've never seen the baby get tired of it before the adult. Peek...a...boo! Uncle Homer, will you sing that crazy song we love? Okay. Is that all there is Is that all there is

Exam? Oh! This is just like one of those bad dreams! What are you gonna do, Mr. Simpson? Actually, I've been working on a plan. During the exam, I'll hide under some coats... and hope that somehow everything will work out.

Let 'em go. You'll stay here with me. We'll go bowling. What's bothering 'em?

Listen. I can take care of everything. All you have to do is un-shrink me. Un-shrink you? Well, that would require some sort of a "rebigulator," which is a concept so ridiculous it makes me want to laugh out loud and chortle, bleh-- Ah, but not at you, O Holiest of Gods, with the wrathfulness and the vengeance... and the blood rain and the "Hey, hey, hey, it hurts me."

See that, boy? Why aren't you making any business deals? I'll do it this afternoon. You mean there are actually people... who will pay good money for garbage? Not good money really. Each can'll get you a nickel.

Oh! Marge? Lisa? Flanders?

No. Well, you do now. We are here live in the K.B.B.L. parking lot to see...

Hey, you've gotta be 18 to sell your blood. - Let's see some I.D. - Here you go, doll face. - Hmm. Okay, Homer. just relax. - Ow ! At the risk of losing my voice,

Hey, I-- That-- Oh. Gee, I hate to let you down, Casanova, but, uh, no receipt, no return. I'll give you four bucks for it. Very well. I must hurry back to my comic book store, where I dispense the insults rather than absorb them.

Awesome! I'm blasting all the state capitals! Oh, take that, Salem, Oregon! Wait a minute. This game is educational! That'll teach you to teach me!

Well, Burns isn't getting this back cheap. I can tell you that. He's gonna have to give me... my own recording studio. Two all-beef patties special sauce lettuce, cheese Pickles, onions on a sesame-seed bun Homer, you're drooling on the mike again.

So if you don't want to see crude, lowbrow programming disappear from the airwaves, please, call now. Hello! Murdoch here. $10,000! You've saved my network. Wouldn't be the first time.

I can't believe it! I can finally afford a young, crazy, stripper wife. Yeah. I'm gonna get me the craziest, "strippiest"-- He's dead.

So long, Superman. Your secret identity is safe with me.

Oh, no! It's coming back this way! That throwing-stick stunt of yours has boomeranged on us!

- You did ? - I slipped it into your glass as a gag. Pure hilarity ! Pure Homer. I pronounce it to be the most whimsical jape of the season. Quite. Hmm.

There was A little Spanish flea A record star he thought he'd be he heard Of singers like beatles the chipmunks he'd seen on tv... Why not A little Spanish fleA? and so he...

The answer is no, Mr. Burns. Not for any amount of money.

Alone! I'm alone! I'm a lonely, insignificant speck... on a has-been planet orbited by a cold, indifferent sun! A ship! A ship with people! I know. I'll bring them to me. And then they'll have to be my friends.

What's in it? 2-4 desoxypropenuramine.

Homer, can I get you a beer?

We learned the truth at 17 that love waS meant For beauty queens Like Miss South Dakota. Miss North Carolina. Miss Indiana. Miss Alaska.

Marjorie, please. I enjoy all the meats of our cultural stew. Ahh, ballet. Hee-hee-hee. All right. Whoo-hoo! Yea! Yeah!

This radio-controlled plane gives your baby the chance to fly just like my son here. He can execute the barrel roll, the loop-the-loop and bring it in for the perfect landing. Oh, dear. My wife is going to kill me.

Hey, Boat 28, stop splashing. What are you gonna do about it? Uh-oh. Aah! Leeches!

(LAUGHING) (AUDIENCE LAUGHING ON TV)

Mr. Mayor, is it true you rigged the election? No, I did not. Kids, help.

Hello! Hello! You have my pills! Hello? I'm cold, and there are wolves after me.

Make sure we have cold cuts, and put some beer on ice... I'm a vegetarian and I don't drink. Are you sure you're here voluntarily? Yes. Please make sure he doesn't tell anybody I'm coming. Yes, Dad, I solemnly swear I will not tell another living soul-- No, not even Milhouse.

I've been here for four days and a turtle's got ahold of my teeth! There he is! Come back here, you! Slow down! I'll get ya!

I'm stressed because now that you've lost your license, I'm a full-time family chauffeur. Now, now, honey. We all appreciate what you do, but real chauffeurs have uniforms and licenses. You could get in a lot of trouble with the Livery Commission. To hell with the Livery Commission. Marge, you don't know what you're saying.

they tend to use lowbrow expressions like, "Oh, yeah?" and "C'mere a minute." Oh, yeah? They think they're better than us, huh? Bart, c'mere a minute!

Oh, Mom, I've missed you so much. Oh, honey, I've missed you too. Homer, is that an old Halloween costume? Uh, no.

Yes, it is ! Oh.

It's ram's blood for your godless ceremony. April Fools'! Now who's laughing? Now who's laughing? And that's the story of April Fools' Day.

(READING TITLES)

I feel so European. Huh. Mine keeps disappearing. Oh, well. Oh, I hope they're goin' somewhere good. Okay, boy, let's strut our stuff. I'm in Rio And I'm walkin' on the beach

Uh-oh. Ha! Wha--

A, B, C, D, E, F, G

SeÑor plow no es macho eS solamente un borracho Yeah, you do that. Well, I guess you can plow my driveway.

Well, honey, what do you think?

Here he is conferring an honorary degree on Richard Nixon.

That's South Dakota.

Paper bag or triple Mylar? Uh, no, thanks. I'll just eat it here. Oh! No! What are you doing? Good, fair, poor!

Don't worry, kids. I'll take care of him with my trusty-- Uh, uh-- Um, uh-- Hmm.

Not the church! Jesus lives there!

Irregardless! I am your god now. Homer, you can't just reroute the gas line. Do you know how dangerous that is? Do not anger Talkie Tiki! I am all power-- I'll be at Moe's.

Hockey Dad rules! Feel the drunken wrath of Chuck Shadowski! Dad, stop! It's only assault. Don't make it murder! Ignore. Ignore. ANNOUNCER: You are a big man. Big man!

And you can't join the Stonecutters because it's too exclusive. Oh, well. That was a real nice secret organization we had once. Stonecutters, eh? How do I join? There are only two ways to gain membership: be the son of a Stonecutter-- Next? Or save the life of a Stonecutter. Hey! I saved your life.

Ooh, put some Lister's Carbolic Unguent on a wad of cotton. Put the cotton in her ear. That'll stop them shakes. No, no. What she needs is a balsam specific. Balsam specifiC! oof-- While we're burning money, why don't we give her a curative galvanic belt too? Don't forget to give her Smeckler's Powder.

I wouldn't count on that, Number Five. As far as your family knows, Homer Simpson is walking in the front door... right about now. I'm sorry. What? Homie! Marge, honey, fraülein, I'm home. You're not my husband.

Wasted away again in margaritaville searching For my lost Shaker of salt Oh, here it is.

To be honest, it's a little chilly-- Oww! Get out of the way, Marge.

Hey, look, it's PelÉ! PelÉ is king of the soccer field. To be king of your kitchen, use Crestfield Wax Paper.

Is he still out there? Yes. He's raking leaves. What? That's your job! If he starts doing Lisa's wood chopping-- If he wants to make it up to you so badly, I think you should let him.

I don't know what's happening. It seems our profits have dropped 37%. I'm afraid we have a bad image, sir. Market research shows people see you as something of an ogre. I ought to club them and eat their bones!

Will you be donating that million dollars now, sir? No. I'd still prefer not.

Man, this is pathetic. I'm goin' for it ! Bart, no ! No ! No ! No ! Oh, no, wait. Oh, no. Bart, don't. Don't. No !

Homie, what's wrong? I'm used to seeing people promoted ahead of me-- friends, coworkers, Tibor. I never thought it'd be my own wife. Well, maybe you'd get promoted if you worked a little harder. Are you kidding? I work like a japanese beaver.

Hello, I was wondering if you'd like to babysit my little angels. Sorry, this isn't Abbie. This is her sister. I look after her now. No, Bart, put it down. Put it down, Bart. Bart, put it down.

Spin-off! Is there any word more thrilling to the human soul? Hi, I'm Troy McClure. You may remember me from such TV spin-offs as Son of Sanford and Son and After Mannix.

Hmm! It's the Curies! We must flee! Cool.

Get in the car.

(LAUGHING) (AUDIENCE LAUGHING ON TV) (GROANS) I talked to Dr. Hibbert today. He gave me a list of heart-smart foods. "Cotta-hay cheese"?

The alien has a sweet, heavenly voice, like Urkel. And he appears every Friday night... like Urkel! Well, your story is very compelling, Mr. jackass-- I mean, Simpson. So, I'll just type it up on my invisible typewriter.

The hell with this. I'm gettin' outta here! No, you fool! That elephant ate my entire platoon.

What-What ? Wait. Who is this ?

from bomb-toting Bolsheviks to golden-armed jazzbos. (THUDDING) HOMER: Oh, no! I hit the grief counselor! Promise me you'll report this. Consider yourself fired!

Squaresville sounds pretty cool. I am a robot. Do what I say. I am a washing machine. Do what I say.

Sure. There's only one thing you need to know... to be a great quarterback. joe, honey, I fixed it. It was just vapor lock. Oh. Oops. Hey, look, I gotta run. Remember what I told you.

Yes. I should be-- Good Lord! What is happening in there? Aurora borealis. Uh-- Aurora borealis at this time of year... at this time of day in this part of the country... localized entirely within your kitchen?

How could you be so irresponsible? I-it's my first day. Since I've never seen you before, maybe it is your first day. - Very well. Carry on. - Uh, sir, that's Homer Simpson. And he's been working here for 10 years. Oh, really! Why did you think you could lie to me? It's my first day. Well, why didn't you sa-- Oh, whoo! You're fired!

Does St. Louis still have a team? - No, they moved to Phoenix. - Oh, yeah. You know what I really hate about church? Those boring sermons. Oh, I couldn't agree more.

Be honest. Ah, she's always leaving the toilet seat up. Robert, if released, would you pose any threat to one Bart Simpson? Bart Simpson?

We can buy real periodic tables... instead of these promotional ones from Oscar Mayer. Who can tell me the atomic weight of "balonium?" Ooh. "Dee-licious"? Correct. I would also accept "snack-tacular."

Hey, did you hear something? No. Hmm. Did I? I don't know!

Now, are you gentlemen gonna buy some wigs or ain't ya? I guess fate was against us. It's really nobody's fault, right? Huh? Right?

Oh, Mr. Burns, we'll thaw you out... the second they discover the cure for... 17 stab wounds in the back. How are we doing, boys? Well, we're up to 15.

Why, I'd be delighted to sell you some illegally smuggled goods. Fat Tony, is that you? Fat Tony? Hey, where's that voice coming from? This guy's wearin' a wire! Take him out!

Rubber knife? This place is for wimps. Okay, kids. Now I'm gonna teach ya how to trap wild animals. - But this should only be used in a life-or-death situation. - Hmm. Ooh! Floor pie. I-- Whoa!

Any last words, Simpson?

This better be good. Game over. Please deposit 40 quarters. What a rip!

I regret nothing!

Hey, the Jewish Walk of Fame! Here, go on Sandy Koufax. I lost ten grand when he wouldn't pitch on Yom Kippur! I did five shows that night! Okay, boy. Let's find my star.

You have the right to remain, um-- Uh-- "Silent"? That doesn't sound right. I love our court days. It's about the only thing we do as a family anymore. Hey, Karie. Hey, Lisa.

Marge, I got it all figured out. Lee Harvey Oswald wanted to steal the Jack Ruby! Jack Ruby was a man, not a jewel. (GROANING) All right. We're back to square one. Put on some coffee. (MARGE GROANING) I was so close.

- Down the hall, Room 12. - Thank you. Ew. Okay. Let's get started. Uh, um, uh-h-h-m, hmm-- No talking.

Oh, I'm not the kind of magician who does tricks. I'm a mathemagician!

Try to run, try to hide break on through to the other side Yeah! What was I on?

It's a fairy tale.

How was it? It wasn't that great. Be honest. It was the greatest movie I've ever seen in my life! And you wouldn't believe the celebrities who did cameos-- Dustin Hoffman, Michael jackson-- Of course, they didn't use their real names, but you could tell it was them.

You hit her pretty hard there, Rick.

Good evening, Edna. I know we were planning to see a film tonight, but instead, I'm leaving town forever.

This song has been going on for hours.

Now with my new H.M.O., I can provide every medical service... You'll ever need under one roof. You do have insurance, don't you? Yes. Well, that's wonderful. Let's go visit the optometrist. Your son has a temporary condition called "lazy eye,"

You saved us, Maggie!

Bart and Lisa have to go to school... while I get to stay home. Nyah-nyah-nyah, nyah-nyah-nyah.

You make me sick, Homer. You the one who told me I could do anything if I put my mind to it. Now that you're older, I can tell you that's a crock. No matter how good you are there's always a million people better. Gotcha-- Can't win, don't try.

And that's how, with a few minor adjustments, you can turn a regular gun into five guns. Here's some more chocolate curls, gun buddies. Anyone else want a beer?

Your turn, Bart. Whoa! That's good Squishy. What's it like, Bart? Bart? Bart?

All right. Climb in. There's nothing to worry about. Now everyone, go to sleep. Good night. Di-da.

Who needs the Kwik-E-Mart I do Hey, he's not happy at all! He lied to us through song! I hate when people do that!

will you please rise for our national anthem, sung tonight by Springfield's rhythm and blues sensation Bleeding Gums Murphy ! Oh-h-h-h-h-h-h-h oh, say

Hey, Chief. I think that's the guy who mugged her. Yeah. Looks like she caught her own criminal... unlike the rest of you lazybones. You’re not gonna find those criminals looking at your feet, people.

No. Ninja death stars? Maybe for Christmas.

Ooh! You look just like your picture. Sorry. My mind's made up. I wanna have a kid, and this is the only way I can do it. Why do you wanna have a baby so bad? I got a lotta love to give,

I like pizza I like bagels I like hot dogs with mustard and beer I get the picture. I'll eat eggplant I could even eat a baby deer La-la-la-la-la-la La-la la-la Who's that baby deer on the lawn there Enough already! Sorry.

Wait. That's not how you spell "dumbening." Wait. "Dumbening" isn't even a word! I've got to find out more.

Oh, poor Mark Hamill. That swarm of nerds is gonna kill him. Nerds!

We're talking about sex, right?

Oh, just that one time. Actually, when I was about to have Bart-- You're pregnant? And then when I told him about Lisa-- You're pregnant again?

Lisa, tell your mother to get off my case. Uh, Dad, Lisa's the one you're not talking to. Bart, go to your room! Why don't you just eat him, Dad? I don't need any serving suggestions from you, you barbecue-wrecking, know-nothing, know-it-all. That's it! I can't live in a house with this prehistoric carnivore! I am out of here!

Thank you very much. As you know, we've inherited quite a budget crunch from President Trump. How bad is it, Secretary Van Houten? We're broke.

Ah, the Miracle Mile, where value wears a neon sombrero... and there's not a single church or library to offend the eye. There it is! The chain that put the "fat" in fat Southern sheriffs! I want a colossal doughnut, just like the one on the sign.

Faucet's jammed into my back. I'm stuck. So am I. Kids! Kids! A romantic vacation can provide titillation.

- Thanks for coming. - I please to aim. I'm so happy. I just had to tell someone. I have a boyfriend.

Ow! Oh-ho-ho! Lucky I was wearing this extra large piece... of the true cross today. I think I'll go inside. What keeps doing that? I told you we should have bought more than three bullets. Let's just grab him.

Wait a minute. Why did it take you so long to say yes? No reason. Okay. Wait a minute. Are you humoring me? Yes. Okay. Wait a minute. That's bad!

Last time I got to go backstage was when Bart ripped his pants at the Christmas play. - Mom! - Ha-ha!

Daddy would like a word with you, Barty. Help! Dad's trying to kill me! It's hammer time, snitchy. That's Snake's voice.

Finally, some recognition.

The new, improved Kidz Newz has been canceled.

I've gotta stop fantasizing about Lee Majors. Ah, one more.

Why don't you make me? Why? Oh, I give up.

I was just sa-- One moment, please! Who do they think I am, some stupid Aussie drongo? Bleedin' Yanks. I oughta-- - This is Bart Simpson. Can I help you, ma'am? - Hey! My name is Bruno Drundridge, right? You owe me $900, mate! No, you owe me $900!

Doh ! It's no use, fellas. Another comic book has returned to the earth from whence it came. We worked so hard, and now it's all gone. We ended up with nothing because the three of us can't share.

And so forth. We call each other by number, not by name.

I hate it so much! I spit on it! Yo, boy, this class is tight. You go from "sloppa" to "proppa." Cool. Welcome to my etiquette class: The Proper Young Man. But the black man said--

My wife's having a girls' night out.

You see, it turns out I am an American citizen after all. Apparently, I just plumb forgot about it. Say, let's take a relaxed attitude toward work and watch the baseball match. The "Ny" Mets are my favorite squadron.

Mr. Silas, this young lady's flashing her privates. Oh! Well, I'll dispose of this! All for Silas. All for Silas.

J You’re a brand-new muscle car and all the wheels are mag J J You make me feel as young as the blood I get from sheepJ J You’re like Jacqueline BissetJ J In me favorite film The Deep J J You’re sexy and exotic J J Like a hooker from BelizeJ

One more time! Oh, come on, Lisa. I got a date with Billie Holiday.

You'll have to shut down the mall. On President's Day weekend? Are you crazy? Crazy with concern for the public, yes. Now shut this place down before the old folks come in for their morning walk.

Don't worry. Being eaten by a crocodile... is just like going to sleep... in a giant blender. Wonder where this river goes. I've got a map. Monkey. Now, according to animal crackers, there's no river here. Eh-- Stay in the boat, Homer.

just buy it. You don't have to rationalize everything. Hmm. All right, I will buy it! It'll be good for the economy.

Team Discovery Channel! Your wussiness better come in handy.

I am King Talkie Tiki! Hey, Flanders. Can your god do that? A-Actually, Homer, you and I worship the same god, so-- Irregardless! I am your god now.

I like pizza I like bagels I like hot dogs with mustard and beer I get the picture. I'll eat eggplant I could even eat a baby deer La-la-la-la-la-la La-la la-la Who's that baby deer on the lawn there Enough already! Sorry. Hey, listen. I just had a thought.

ow, ooh. ow, ooh. Ow, ooh. Whoa! Oy! That's gotta hurt!

Uh, I'm somewhere where I don't know where I am! Do you see towels? If you see towels, you're probably in the linen closet again. just a second. No, it's a place I've never been before. Uh-huh. The shower. Hey!

No. She won an Oscar, and he's a congressman. Good night! But first, E.T., phone Homer... Simpson, that is. Marge! Kids! They're about to show my videotape. Local man, Homer Simpson, shown here with his tongue stuck to a lamppost, has given us this videotape.

Oh, look at him sleeping. He's like a little angel that killed 50 million people. Yes, you are! Yes, you are!

Phew. Man, it's windy as hell out there.

Next to you, perfection is crap! Ruff, ruff. I'm Poochie, the rockin' dog. Hi. I'm Troy McClure. You may remember me from such cartoons as... Christmas Ape and Christmas Ape Goes to Summer Camp. You're even better than this guy.

Ah, but only Batman fits in my Batmobile. Are you nuts? The Thing fits in there perfectly. Look. He's fitting right now.

Chew, chew, chew! Swallow, swallow, swallow!

Also, I was stealing projectors. Anyway, get ready, beer belly. We're gonna show Springfield what we're made of! All right, Homer! Yeah, Homer! That was odd. Gee, I don't like the sound of that.

Sir Ian McKellen! You're my favorite Shakespearean actor. Thank you, my dear. Please take these free tickets to my play. What? What play? We thespians believe it's bad luck to mention the name of this particular play out loud.

Hey, where's my melon? And you are banned for life from all of my performances and TV specials! But I can still see your movies, right?

Lemonade ? Please. I made it just for you. You are my best friend.

I am shocked and appalled.

Oh, no. Inside the evil Bartron... is a horrible, mutant boy! We'll be safe here till Mom and Dad... The evil overlords, get home. As wacky as those kids were, they were no match for Captain Wacky, later renamed "Homer."

You're here to see me, right? Of course.

I'll go get him right now. Car keys! Car keys! Car keys! Stop pushing me! What's going on? just enjoy the movie. It has Tom Berenger.

If some snot-nosed little kid sent me to prison... the first thing out I'd find out where he lives... and tear him a new belly-button. Lousy snitch. Yaah!

Good. I must warn you though. This procedure will cost you upwards of... $30,000.

Marge Simpson? ts Ruth. Ruth Powers. Ruth Powers? My old neighbor? Oh, my goodness. Look at you. I got this body in prison. l was Miss Mexican Mafia three years in a row. Wow.

Make me! I'll make you! If you want me, you gotta catch me! Almost. Oh, so close. Bart! Son of a--

This blows. Let's sneak off.

Lisa, gym isn't just about encouraging fitness, it's also about exposing weakness! Check minus. Are you mad, Brunella? You can't fail Lisa. She's the only child keeping this school accredited. Without her, we'd have to release these children back into the forest.

Bart! What in the name of high school football?

You're my best friend. Thanks, Krusty. Buy my cereal. Buy my cereal. I didn't do it ! Oh, I wish I could believe you.

There! Pretty as a picture.

Homie, if I died, would you be sad? Well, I wouldn't be happy. Oh, Homie. Love means never having to say... A whole canoe made of baloney? (LAUGHING) Bart, stop fooling with the remote!

These checks keep coming-- It's criminal. You dirty bast..!

Whack! Ooh. Excuse me. Whack, whack, whack! Whoa, whoa, whoa! Bart, I'd like you to read this copy of johnny Tremain.

By authority of the city of Springfield, I hereby confer upon you the name of Seymour Skinner... as well as his past, present, future and mother. Okay. And I further decree... that everything will be just like it was... before all this happened. And no one will ever mention it again...

J Oh, yeah, Weird A/ had fan on this showJ

Dimoxinil ! Whoo-hoo !

All right! Yeah! Cool concert. Am I right?

When you surrender yourself to the Movementarians, you are guaranteed a perfect life of serenity, love and loving serenity. Not a guarantee. Loving serenity. It's about damn time! I love the Leader.

Should we give them some of their money back? No. Hurry, Mr. Rooney. We've got a disenchanted little girl in a jell-O Pudding commercial. I could play that.

I okilly-dokilly, "schmokilly" do. And do you, Homer, take this cocktail waitress you just met... to be your lawfully wedded wife? What did you call me? Do you want to get married? Married. Sure. Sock it to me, baby.

Television must go. May God have mercy on our souls.

You don't understand. I don't belong there. The other girls are already into fashion and makeup and dating. They make me feel like a little baby.

I'll get you, you fat lunatic! Uh-oh.

Whoa! Huh? A pretzel? Wow! Looks like I pulled a Homer.

No, Maggie ! Stay in the shallow end ! Mmm-- To hell with this. Line inspector coming through. Please move to the right. Grab that handrail, young man. Out of my way ! I'm here for your safety ! God bless that man.

Earth is now ripe for the plucking.

There's more than one way to get high, baby.

Some folk'll never eat a skunk but then again Some folk'll Like Cletus the Slack-jawed Yokel

I don't know if I can do that. It's remarkably easy.

He's hurt. Go, go, gol

(GRUNTS) Butt on bowl, little man! (BOTH STRUGGLING) Hey, my pants aren't down! It doesn't matter! Ee-yow! (LAUGHING) Why you little...

Hippies, Vegas and Japan Octuplets and Bart's boy band Marge murmurs, Maude croaks Lisa Buddhist, Homer tokes Maggie blows Burns away What else do I have to say They'll never stop The Simpsons Have no fears We've got stories for years Like Marge becomes a robot

Oh, yeah. How is old Grimey? He's dead! Like you should be. Wait. Frank Grimes wasnt married. How could he have a son? He happened to like hookers, okay?

The tube would go in easier with Some sort of lubricant... like linseed oil or Dr. Shumway's-- Shh! I'm sorry.

How's my special little guy?

When Krusty the Clown got canceled-- he tried everything to stay on the air. Here's what you didn't see. If you watch my show, I will send you this book featuring me... in a variety of sexually explicit positions. What? Oh. Hey! It's not really me. I used a stunt butt.

You see, folks? We're all trying to please someone else. And as soon as you're not a human being, you're a human doing. Then what comes next? A human going!

you're my only friend. What was that about?

Homer, stop insulting us and eat your filth. Food. I mean food. Sorry. I only eat food in bar form. When you concentrate food, you unleash its awesome power, I'm told. That's why I'm compressing five pounds of spaghetti... into one handy, mouth-size bar.

Well, you knew I had a temper when you married me. Ned Flanders is on the phone. Oh, if this is about that stupid quarter again, I... Hello, Ned. Sorry to bother you, Reverend Lovejoy. Our son Todd just told us he didn't want to eat his damn vegetables.

I'm not going to turn his home into a saloon.

But why would the advisory board give us bad advice? No sugar! Thank you, but we're not allowed. Ah, it's okay. There's no sugar in pixie sticks. - Trust me. - Okay. Hmm. Don't hog it all, smelly head! Go to hell, zit face!

After all, we are from the land of chocolate. Mmm... the land of chocolate!

Ow! Ow! Ow! What the hell is wrong with you? Gee! Sorry! It's a pretty standard stunt, Homer.

Relax, Marge. I'd never turn a gun on a human being. My husband, on the other hand. Come on. You try it. No. I couldn't. Yeah. Just breathe slowly and squeeze the--

I'm Rupert Murdoch, the billionaire tyrant. And this is my skybox. If you're Rupert Murdoch, prove it. Hi, Rupert! Uh-oh. Well, I'm convinced.

The basement is getting awfully flooded, and I think the cat's down there.

Well, I don't think they're gonna be that easy to lose. These are professional lawmen and-- Oh, my God! It just disappeared. It's a ghost car! There are ghost cars all over these highways, you know. - Hold me. - Only if you hold me.

I don't think he's coming back. Tonight on Eyewitness News, a man who's been in a coma for 23 years wakes up. Do Sonny and Cher still have that stupid show?

I'm sure you'll understand. Listen, Aldrin. I'm not as laid-back as people think. Now here's the deal. I'm gonna play, and you're gonna float there and like it.

Well, if it isn't my good friends, the, uh-- Simpson family, master. Simpson, eh? Excellent.

Ow! I feel good Huh, I knew that I would now I feel good Good God I knew that I would, hah So good So good I got you

I don't know, Bart. Something tells me Willie's still out there, and that he could come back... any time, in any form, and kill us in ways we can't even imagine! Boo!

Why don't we fill out an application. I'll need your name, measurements, and turn-ons. You expect me to tell you that?

Ooh! There's Ross Perot. Dr. Laura. Spike Lee. Wait a minute. They're not so great. Okay. But there's Dan Quayle and Courtney Love. Tonya Harding! Al Sharpton! Tom Arnold! What the hell's going on?

Oh, I'm afraid this problem goes far beyond Eugene and Rusty. Marge, if you please. julius! Clancy! Skinner! Seymour! Mother.

Mrs. Simpson, do you know what a baby's saying when she reaches for a bottle? "Ba-ba?" She's saying, "I am a leech." Our aim here is to develop the bottle within.

What in the name of high school football?

Oh! All right. All right. You win for now, but someday you'll rust! Rust, I tell ya! Dad. Dad?

You know, boys, there is an old saying down on the bayou that, uh-- Whee!

Sing it, baby! My quarter! Okay, I'll just even this out and-- Mr. Laswell... I've done it again. I know you can't understand me but you're a lousy dog and I hate you.

Ow! What the-- Get the-- baby off. Son of a-- I'm so-- embarrassed.

Your education is important. Roman numerals, et cetera. Whatever. I tried.

I'll mace you good!

Oh, there's so little left. "Creamed Eels"? "Corn Nog"? "Wadded Beef."

Hans Moleman Productions presents... Man Getting Hit by Football. Ooh!

We made it! Whoo-hoo! Eat my shorts, Shelbyville! Eat my shorts! Yes! Eat all of our shirts! Oh, ya lousy Springfielders! YOu-- Shake harder, boy! We did it!

Before I go, I want to say something. Game shows aren't about cruelty. They're about greed and wonderful prizes, like poorly built catamarans. But somewhere along the line, you lost your way. For shame.

Kent Brockman high above Montgomery Burns State Penitentiary, where our expensive Thermocam 3000 is finally being used for something. This red glow is the heat from a pack of inmates who are desperately looking for prison snitch, Homer Simpson, this massive blob over here, who is attempting to hide in the kitchen area. Good luck, blobby.

Springtime fresh, winter white. What could be better? Oh, man, I really gotta-- NO-O-o! So, Bart, how are you feeling? Can't complain. Well, then, you're ready for your makeup test. My ovaries!

MAN ON TV: Bobby, I got propane in my urethra.

He's like a riddle wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a vest.

You love her too. Damn right! Homer, I want you to show this woman the time of her life. Gotcha. Marge, we're gettin' some drive-through; then we're doing it twice. No, no, no. I've got something even more special in mind.

Milhouse! What? Tell Bart to come home! I think he's at Nelson's! Who's Nelson?

I think that guy's a spy. Of course he's a spy. You just saw him go through spy school. Oh, wait. I heard how this ends. Turns out the secret code was the same nursery rhyme he told his daughter. It's pretty obvious if you think about it.

- Skinner! - What? What?

Here's your money. You know, the problem here was water leakage. If you just buy a fifty-cent washer-- I've got a better idea. Get the hell out! Look, I've got some washers in my truck. I'll give you one. Marge, get my gun.

Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Where did you get that brownie? There's a big pile of 'em.

Lisa, knock off that racket! But, Dad, I'm supposed to practice an hour a day. I'll practice you!

Oh, Margie, you came and you found me a turkey On my vacation away from workie

Shh! Oh, Why'd you have to shush? You ruined the whole show!

How's your father's project coming along? I think he's almost done. Yeah, he's done. Why you little--

No, I represent a japanese camera company. We'd like to pay you two million dollars to do a camera commercial. Whoa! Me rikey velly much! Oh, I hope I didn't offend you. I need this bad. Bad enough to hit yourself over the head with the phone? Oh! You got it! Ow!

Bart, your mortal enemy is on the radio! It's time for more deeee-mentia with Dr. Demento! - Aah! - And now, the Funny Five-- I meant your other mortal enemy, Sideshow Bob.

I'm talking about treating serious injuries. Serious injuries. Oh, that's gold.

Wherever we are, youll have your church. Are you with me, boys? Speaking in tongues. What great kids. Full house. Jacks over twos.

Okay, Nelson, put up your dukes ! Whaa ! Yikes ! Uh-uh-uh ! Ha, ha, ha ! Ha, ha, ha !

It said I was gay! You all right, Grampa? Oh, daiSy, dais--

Hey, kids, look what you can win in the Krusty Sweepstakes. To enter, send me your parents' brains, or write "Parents' Brains" on a three-by-five card and send it to--

At least I'd like to. You probably should have researched this first, eh, Dad? What about you? Well, sir, I step in front of cars and sue the drivers. I beg celebrities for money. I'm a prison snitch. jug band manager. My legs hurt.

Well, Seymour, I make superintendent money,

Enslave humanity, will ya?! Run, Kodos!

I didn't think it would burn so fast. I guess it's the tissue paper inside. Miss Bouvier. I am surprised. You just bought yourself one day of detention. You know where and when. Well, no, I don't. Actually, I've never really-- 3:00, old building, room 106.

Yep. I saw her. That is to say, I seen her. She seemed like a nice lady. Well, that nice lady set the cause of biological warfare back 30 years.

(TIRES SCREECHING)

I've fallen in the pool

ALL: ...two, one! (BEEPING) Goodbye, stupid Earth!

(SINISTER LAUGHTER) Daddy, I had the craziest dream. Ralphie, you're still in it. Whee!

I think we put on a pretty darn good science fair. It-- "Go-Go Ray"? Allow me to demonstrate.

Nineteen. Hit me. Twenty. Hit me. - Twenty-one. - Hit me. - Twenty-two. - D'oh!

Marge, it'll cost $8,500. We only have 500 in the bank, and that leaves... eighty-hundred we need.

Slow down, you sidewalk-surfin' cube-gleamers!

Yeah, right. Son, I'm gonna teach you a lesson. I'm going to stand here and watch you smoke every one of those cigarettes.

Now, uh, what did this Christmas thief look like? Well, he had a glass eye, a wooden leg, a big scar on his cheek. Anything unusual?

And this is for shooting down police helicopters. Oh, I don't need anything like that... yet. just give me my gun. Sorry. The law requires a five-day waiting period. We've got to run a background check. Five days? But I'm mad now! I'd kill you if I had my gun!

People like dogs, Mr. Burns. Dogs are idiots. If I came into your house and started sniffing at your crotch and slobbering all over your face what would you say? If you did it, sir? Exactly. You'd be fit to be tied. Dogs! Hmm.

Fading. Fading. Rising! Fading.

but the humans won't stop there. They'll make bigger boards and bigger nails. Soon they will make a board with a nail so big, it will destroy them all!

If this is anyone but Steve Allen, you're stealing my bit. Somebody ought to ruin Gabbo's career the way he ruined Krusty's. Two wrongs don't make a right, Bart. Yes, they do. - No, they don't. - Yes, they do. No, they don't. Dad! Yes, they do. Two wrongs make a right, Lisa. Ah, Rex Morgan, M.D. You have the prescription for the daily blues.

Sure. Ohh! Ha-ha-ha. Now we're even for your party. Come on, let's go play. My mom won't let me be your friend anymore. That's why you couldn't come. What's she got against me? She says you're a bad influence. Bad influence, my butt!

Uh, "Renee, my treasure--" Hey, shut up, or I'll ram a stool down your throat! Uh, no. No, no. I don't want that on the card.

Boy, did you make a prank call to Brazil? No, sir. I didn't. Choke on your lies! I'll teach you to--

Will soon be turning Red La la-la la-la la la la la-la la-la la-la la la-la-la BeCause I'm free nothin's worryin'

Hey, I never noticed this place. Dad, it's right across the street from us. That fancy house will never sell. Nobody who could afford it would want to live in this neighborhood. Hey, what's wrong with this neighborhood? Big shot! Too good to buy a house here, snobby? Who you talking to, Homer? The guy who doesn't live there.

Homie, are your really going to ignore Grampa for the rest of your life? Of course not, Marge, just for the rest of his life. He said I was an accident. He didn't want to have me. - You didn't want to have Bart. - I know, but you're never supposed to tell the child. You tell Bart all the time. You told him this morning. But when I do it, it's cute.

Come on! Come on! Leave me alone! Ow! Look at me. I'm Angry Dad! Ow! Ow!

Bart, is that you? No! Say your prayers! Oh, Lord, please strike these mountain folk dead. Bart! Listen, we're really sorry. We got lost on a field trip from Springfield Elementary.

It's a real honor to be guarding your body, sir. just remember, you represent the office of the mayor. So always comport yourself in a manner befitting-- Quick, honk at that broad. Good work, Simpson. I couldn't be happier with the way that went.

Only Khlav Kalash. Men's room in tower.

Hey, Mrs. K.! Oh, Arthur!

"I can't go to prison, Monty. They'll eat me alive!"

Oh, no! An anti-escape orb! Huh. That was easy.

Sugar's made my Ralphie hyperactive. I'm happy and angry.

And sometimes I got into trouble.

I don't think it had broken axles before. Before! Before! You're livin' in the past, Marge. Quit livin' in the past. That's funny. I used to be able to go down there. Going bowling. Not back, avenge deaths.

and you screamed, "I'm a hemophiliac," and when he let you go you kicked him in the back? Yeah? Will you teach me how to do that? Sure, boy. First, you gotta shriek like a woman. And keep sobbing till he turns away in disgust. That's when it's time to kick some back.

Attention. This is an emergency broadcast. All is well in the school. My authority as principal is total-- Give me that! Attention, teachers. We're on strike!

It's the TV movie of the year-- The Krusty the Klown Story: Booze, Drugs, Guns, Lies, Blackmail and Laughter. Starring Fyvush Finkel as Krusty the Clown.

But there were bigger problems offscreen. After judging a Miss Hawaiian Tropic beauty contest... at the Sheraton Hali'a Kalua Le'a, Bart created a ruckus on a Hawaiian Airline jet, attacking several flight attendants. While he was in rehab, the part of Bart Simpson was played...

Hey, get away from that! Leave him alone! It said I was gay! You all right, Grampa? Oh, daiSy, dais--

Oh, I can't stand it! You are... in grave danger! Aaah! You wrecked Hitler's car. What did he ever do to you?

Fourteen dollars and 10, 11, 12 cents. There you go. You know, sir, tipping is customary. Ooh! Me sorry! Me no speaky Chiny! Mmm. Oh, General Gao, you were a bloodthirsty fool, but your chicken is delectable.

Well? No, no, no. I guess not. Wasting no time, Rex Banner tore into the bootleggers... like a chippie tearing into a lobster.

Oh, it was all just a dream. What? What are these wings? Oh, it's just a seagull stuck in my back. Dad, we've been so worried about you. The Warren Harding Through-hole never seemed so long. Yeah, I missed you guys, too. Now, if you'll excuse me...

Ma'am, I will find your husband before that bear kills him. But first, a snack. (FIRES GUN)

I went through the same thing when Lyndon johnson died.

It's Bill Pullman, you fool! Point out your plot holes elsewhere. Is there no place for the man with the 105 I.Q.?

- You grabbed me in the car! - Oh, that.

Ohh. English side ruined! Must use French instructions! "Le grille"? What the hell is that?

Secondly, instead of beer, you will all drink this. It's a brain and nerve tonic rich in proteins and electromagnetic juices. It promotes robust health. It has been known to cause gigantism but only in rare cases. Try some. It's like there's a party in my mouth and everyone's invited. Excellent.

Nobody wants to hear the nonsensical ravings of a loudmouthed malcontent. Well, we'll see about that! Hey!

Don't, you crazy fool! You'll kill us all!

"To start, press any key." Where's the "Any" key? I see "Esk," "Catarol," and "pig Up." There doesn't seem to be any "Any" key. Whew! All this computer hacking is making me thirsty. I think I'll order a Tab. Oop. No time for that now. The computer's starting.

I always just figured my wife was my soul mate. But if it's not Marge, then who is it? Where do I begin looking? This really goes beyond my training as a furniture salesman, sir. Now, if you don't want the sofa, I'll have to ask you to leave.

Coming up next on BHO, - it's Arli$$. - Nah! - Nah!

Uh, it's hard for us to leave when you're standing there, Mom. Push her down, Son.

Prepare to engage enemy. Bogie's air speed not sufficient for intercept. Suggest we get out and walk.

- Oh! - Bart! Aw, you remembered my birthday. Huh? Oh. I sure did. - Here's a bus schedule. - Wow! Fits right in my pocket.

See, it's a miniature version of the A-bomb. The government built it in the '50s to drop on beatniks. "Radiant, cool, crazy nightmares. Zen New jersey nowhere." Put this in your pipe and smoke it!

Hmm. A bland, timid entry, suitable perhaps for patients recovering from surgery.

in laying in the middle of a public street.

Taking Bart cross state lines. Back soon. I took your wallet! Oh, I just mopped that driveway. Man, I can't wait to smash that chair. Oh, Son.

I've got some textbooks, but without state-approved syllabi and standardized testing, my education can only go so far. Honey, maybe you should relax a little. Relax? I can't relax, nor can I yield, relent or-- Only two synonyms? Oh, my God! I'm losing my perspicacity!

Look, Son. Edison was just like me. You mean the wild mood swings? No! We both lived in another man's shadow. This old-timey nerd and I have suffered the same frustration and heartache. We're not rivals.

Shh! Cobras! English - US - Line 21

Glove slap i don't take crap Glove slap shut your big yap A glove slap to the little ol' face Will get you Satisfaction Glove slap, baby

What about me? You didn't thank me. You didn't do anything. I like being thanked.

All right. Here's your policy.

I feel like luge silver medalist Barbara Niedernhuber.

Hey, Lenny, sending some outgoing mail? You know it. - I'll probably send some tomorrow. - I hear that.

Oh, this is bad. This is really bad. You work and you slave and you steal just enough... for a sweet lick of that shiny brass ring. DOn't I get a lick? Doesn't Gil get a lick? Simpson, Homer J. Hey, put in a good word for ol' Gil, would ya?

All I have to do is follow the yellow drip road. There's our secret meeting place.

We killed Itchy and Scratchy? Good riddance. Wanna go celebrate? I feel like liver and onions. Mmm.

Oh. I know. I heard it too. Here's some musiC.

Thank you. (HOMER STRUGGLING) Geezer Rock, An Appreciation in Verse.

Alex, your word is "rigged"-. as in "This contest is rigged." R-I-G-G-E-D. "Wigged." Bravo, my pet. You shall be champion-

Dad, Mr. Burns hasn't passed away yet. Huh? Oh, right. So I guess you're in okay shape, huh? - No heart problems or anything? - Well, I-- Boo! I'm okay.

I don't get it. I don't get it. I don't get it. I don't get it. I... don't get it.

I love you, Smithers. The feeling is more than mutual, sir.

Brought to you by--

Ooh! Pretty colors. Me want a drink. Oh!

Check it out. I built myself a healthy apple. But you made it out of ham cubes. Yup. A shiny new apple.

Well, before she died, she ordered this Bible especially for you. Why, there's my name, in gold. Now you weren't home, so we had to pay the delivery man. Well, I'll just reimburse you right-- Wait a minute. This seems an awful lot like that movie Paper Moon. Run, Dad!

Give it a try. It's like kissing a peanut.

Whoa ! Hey, cool, man ! Our lives have taken an odd turn.

I'm here to see my Grampa. Here I am, sonny. You're not my grandpa. Ah, come on. Give me a chance. Hey, can your grandfather do this? - Oh! - Bart! Aw, you remembered my birthday. Huh?

What? What? You know, lighthearted, fancy-free. Mothers, lock up your daughters. Smithers is on the town. Exactly, sir. Thank God it's Wednesday! - It's Friday. - Uh-oh. Wrong pills.

Unfair trade practices ?

The same joe Valachi who squealed to the Senate committee about organized crime? Benedict Arnold. The same Benedict Arnold who plotted to surrender West Point to the hated British? D'oh! I am a-so glad I had a chance to meet you... before we did this, Krusty,

Oh. Okay. Well, I really enjoyed being you, Dr. Hibbert. Oh, by the way, you're not welcome in the library no more.

Color's screwed up.

like the swallows returning to Capistrano.

Hardly. I'd like you to explain... why we should build a mass transit system... in a small town with a centralized population. Young lady, that's the most intelligent question I've ever been asked. Really? Oh, I could give you an answer. But the only ones who'd understand it would be you and me, and that includes your teacher.

Oh, honey, think pink. Look. A salute to safe sex. Ha-ha-ha.

"The only exception was the embarrassingly dated humor... of Springfield's green-haired, red-nosed hack--" Yeah, yeah, yeah. "Krusty the Clown." No! They say any publicity is good publicity. You, sir, are an idiot.

I have a question. If you're so good, why do you allow bad things to happen? Why am I so fat? Why do bad things happen to good people?

he has a new court-ordered sidekick-- Ms. No-Means-No. Whoa! You're hot! Let's get some dinner after the show. I have dinner with all my employees. Right, Sideshow Mel?

No, there's no justice like angry-mob justice.

You told our agent this place holds 30,000 people. It does. We had 30,000 here last night. Now play. The audience is gettin' restless. We want Chilly Willy! We want Chilly Willy!

I dance, I dance, I dance And that's the end of that Or is it I guess I'll keep singing My cell phone appears to be ringing Hey! Barney, did you ever notice how hard it is to drive with your knees? Why don't you get one of those hands-free phones? It's the next best thing to paying attention to the road. Hands-free, eh?

Meet me at the tree house, Bart. And come alone.

Swank. Ten times more addictive than marijuana.

So, come on. I need a name that says friendly, all-American cooking.

Ha, ha! April Fools'.

Will you hug me? Hug me! Good practice, team. Okay, it's time for the easiest part of any coach's job-- the cuts. Now while I wasn't able to cut everyone I wanted to, I have cut a lot of you.

Good-bye, Lisa. Hey, Lenny, I need to leave early. Cover for me, will ya ? Hey, sure thing, Homer.

He's in charge of quality control. Fine. Fine. Mouse. Fine. Mouse. Rat. Fine. Syringe. Fine. Nose. Fine. Let me just say you're doin' a great job, Phil. Hey, thanks a lot. That makes it all worthwhile. Mmm! Gummi Beer.

I don't get it. I don't get it. I... don't get it.

Each Planet Springfield is filled with priceless Hollywood gewgaws. There's the coffee mug from Heartbeeps! And there's the cane from Citizen Kane! Wait a minute. There was no cane in Citizen Kane. And there's that awful script from The Cable Guy.

but I got a hankering for some--

You better get out of my way, please. Slow down. The sidewalk's for regular walkin', not for fancy walkin'.

Smithers, dismember the corpse and send his widow a corsage. Whoo-hoo! I'm a college man! I won't need my high school diploma anymore! I am so smart I am so smart I am so smart I am so smart S-M-R-T I mean, S-M-A-R-R-T

Okay, who wants dinner? Well, let's get eatin'. All right, all right. Sorry.

You think so? Well, yeah, Dad. You're a big, fat loudmouth, - and you can walk when you have to. - Aw.

Mom, can you bring me more O.J.? Can you get me some of those Flintstones chewable morphine? There's no such thing. Marge, the boy's wasting valuable time.

I put my homemade football on hold and set to work making the world's greatest Bat.

What the hell is that? A lawn mower? Get out of the way, Krusty! What is the freakin' holdup?

Hey ! Wha-- Come on, you stupid tube ! Hmm. Looks like there's a jam in Delta sector. It's too big to be human. Send down a few kids. That should dislodge it. Roger.

You've desecrated a classic film. This is worse than Godfather iii. Whoa. Whoa. Hey, whoa. Let's not say things we can't take back. All right, all right. I'm sorry. But this film is never going to see the light of day.

She'll save the party! Honey, sit down. Have a big slice of cake! What? I'm not fat enough already? How could you say that to me? (CRYING) Lisa, wait! (GRUNTING)

It's just not a dinner party without a melon baller. And we'll need a citrus zester, a ravioli crimper. Ooh, an oyster mallet. "Made in U.S.A." No, thank you.

Fresh Khlav Kalash! Get your Khlav Kalash!

Oh, hi, Bart. I'd gladly share these sweet cookies with you... if only you would help me remove this ribbon. - Here's a knife. - Oh, thank you. Now let's all share the goodness. Share this.

One glazed and one Scratch-'n-Win, please. You look familiar, sir. Are you on the television or something ? Sorry, buddy. You got me confused with Fred Flintstone. Oh. Liberty Bell. Another Liberty Bell ! One more and I'm a millionaire.

There was nothing in Al Capone's vault But it wasn't Geraldo's fault D'oh! Look what I got! Now people will stop intentionally ramming our car!

Only who can prevent forest fires? You pressed "You," referring to me. That is incorrect. The correct answer is you.

Oh. Me so "hungy."

I'm Principal Sinner-- Skinner. Well, that's it. I've lost them forever. Now I'd like to introduce you to Lunch Lady Doris, who will serve you healthy, nutritious meals. Yeah, right. Ms. Phipps, the school nurse, who will provide ointments and unguents, and jimbo, the school bully,

Every time You are near Just like me - They long to be Ohh. Hey, would you like to go-- She's mine !

Ah, sucks to the law. Stop! Leave Milhouse alone. Help me out here, Bart. I don't know, Lise. To be honest, that verdict made me pretty angry. Bart's with us, law girl. Step aside. Hey, man. Leave my sister alone!

Swim toward San Francisco! I'm not made of money! We'll swim to Oakland.

And why is a cafeteria worker posing as a nurse? I get two paychecks this way. D'oh.

Oh, you'll be at the feast. I have a feeling you'll be the guests of honor. Tell us more about this feast. No, no. Eat now. When we arrive, there will be plenty of time... to chew the fat.

Are you comparing yourself to our Lord? Well, in bowling ability. Sweet bowling alley balloon, you're my only friend. What was that about? Marge, has my life peaked?

The Catholic Church-- we've made a few changes. These Super Bowl commercials are weird.

That's my girl. You took little children to The Re-Deadening? Homer, this is a rare lapse in judgment for you. But scaring kids is good for them.

Be cool. Dont stare at his famous wang.

Bart, the police haven't had any luck finding the teacher's editions. The dogs have picked up the scent of books. Send in the battering ram. Here we go. We'll have to reorder every book.

Oh, it's just a seagull stuck in my back.

Lugash must go next door to anger management class.

So, in conclusion, good luck on tomorrow's big final exam. Exam? Oh! This is just like one of those bad dreams! What are you gonna do, Mr. Simpson?

I'm a hero! Tell them they'll live to regret this. You'll live to regret this!

"Drunk Cop"- Is that you? No. Look lower. Ooh, pie.

"Dear Cosmic Wars fan, I'm glad you loved my film. "Here's a photo of your favorite new character, Jim-Jam Bonks. "May the power be on your side, Randall Curtis."

I'm not here to blame anyone.

I don't wanna pay four bucks to watch some monkey wannabe laying in the sun! But, Dad, lemurs are nocturnal. Don't worry, honey. Daddy will fix that broken animal. No! I'm not gonna hurt him. I'm just gonna wake him up.

Oh, I'm not the kind of magician who does tricks. I'm a mathemagician! Oh, man! Now, prepare to marvel at the mysteries of the universe, as I make this remainder-- disappear. But seven goes into 28 four times. Uh-- This is a magic seven!

Oh, no. They're biting him and stealing his pants. Good lord! He'll be sucked into the turbine. Smithers, who was that corpse? Homer Simpson, sir.

Homer, you've got it set on "whore." Uh, OOP-- Okay. This time, try to keep your nostrils closed. Oh, look what you did. Now I have to go get my cold cream gun. Dad, women won't like being shot in the face. Women will like what I tell 'em to like. Now here's something for everyone.

Marge, please, old people don't need companionship. They need to be isolated and studied, so it can be determined what nutrients they have... that might be extracted for our personal use. Homer, would you please stop reading that Ross Perot pamphlet? Oh!

It's about a man whose father-in-law gave him a sweet job... as manager of a cracker factory. Boring! A man whose complete lack of business sense and managerial impotence-- Ooh! Here we go! sent the number one cracker factory in town... into a tie for sixth with Table Time and Allied Biscuit. You want to hear a secret, everybody?

The plant called and said if you don't come in tomorrow, don't bother coming in Monday. Whoo-hoo! Four-day weekend! Hey! I am above average. So what if Alison's ahead of me. There's no shame in being second.

Do you even have a job anymore? I think it's pretty obvious that I don't!

Homer, sign this application and you're a Shoo-in. That dog has somebody's ham! This I gotta see! Give me that ham, you stupid dog!

the, uh, piano genius from the movie Shine. Uh-huh. And your name is? Uh, Shiny McShine. Actually, he's Homer Simpson. That's Bart. I'm Lisa. Lisa Simpson? You're the ship's proofreader. Welcome aboard. Now, before you enter, you're going to have to make a very difficult choice.

Soul? Come on, Milhouse. There's no such thing as a soul. It's just something they made up to scare kids, like the boogeyman, or Michael jackson. But every religion says there's a soul, Bart. Why would they lie? What would they have to gain? I don't hear scrubbing! If your soul's real, where is it?

I just don't feel challenged. Of course we could make things more challenging, Lisa, but then the stupider students would be in here complaining, furrowing their brows in a vain attempt to understand the situation.

Ready, Señor Beaveratti? I'm a-ready. And a-one, and a-two... You're the birthday You're the birthday You're the birthday boy or girl...

You're still not in your own world, Homer. I can get you home, but you have to do exactly as I-- This is indeed a disturbing universe.

w'w' f The Blue Danube f

Advance on him, men. I don't think that's a very good idea. Oh, no! It's Gloria Vanderbilt out for revenge! No. It's Officer Simpson of the police.

In a taxi, honey Half past 8:00 Mmm, okay. Now where's that pomade ? Ah, "Never fly solo again." Ooh ! Aw, damn ! Out of pomade. Oh, well.

In episode 2F09, when Itchy plays Scratchy's skeleton like a xylophone, he strikes the same rib twice in succession, yet he produces two clearly different tones. I mean, what are we-- to believe that this is some sort of a-- a magic xylophone or something? Boy, I really hope somebody got fired for that blunder.

I taught Paul McCartney to go "Whoo!" "Purple Rain!" Shut up! Michael Jackson just told me to shut up!

Hey. That time she looked right at me and didn't touch me.

(DOOR CHIME RINGS) Oh, brother. Why do we get all the weirdoes here at the comic book store? Comic Book Guy, don't do the crime if you can't do the key lime! (EXCLAIMING) How could this be any more humiliating?

santa's on his way Hooray, hooray Shh!

Wait. Don't go. Love me!

- Bud. - Weis. Er. - Bud. - Weis. Er. Coors.

And so we enter endgame.

J That's the story about Homer and MargeJ J Two folks I helped out for a nominal chargeJ J After Homer went gay they patched up their schism J J But the dude never dealt with his alcoholism) J Weird A/ sayingJ

By now you've seen what Rancho Relaxo has to offer but remember, we can't tell you how to have a good time. You have to tell us.

- Yes, you have. - How's this? I'll readmit your friends, and we'll forget this whole silly incident ever occurred. Oh, Dean. This is what your new hip is going to look like. You're gonna have to go easy on it. Oh, it's good to be back after all these weeks.

What do you know? A king fit for a meal. Hope I don't give you... heartburn!

Lisa, your date's here. Hey, Lisa. Milhouse? Ugh! I've been turning him down for the prom since kindergarten. Yes. You relented at age 12 when he pulled you out of a house fire, which you later found out he started. You should have seen the look on your face. In fact, here it is.

Oh, Lisa, it's terrible. Okay. This dance has gone Titanic. What happened? Well, the boys and girls are, like, afraid of each other.

More. Mmm! I don't understand it. James Coco went mad in 15 minutes. Homer, are you all right? No.

Here's one of those loveable high-schoolers... from TV's Springfield Heights, 90210. He's cool, he's sexy, he's 34 years old. Let's hear it for Kyle Darren! And here's country singing sensation Lurleen Lumpkin, fresh from her latest stay at the Betty Ford Clinic!

Ooh! Ow! Ow! Ow! Mother of Mercy! Hey! This is kinda fun. Whee! Whee! Ow!

The one who shot me was--

Excuse me. Paul Bunyan never fought Rodan.

Ah! Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah! You idiot! You nearly drank a beaker full of sulfuric acid.

Say, I wonder if this Homer Nixon is any relation? Unlikely, sir. They-- They spell and pronounce their name differently.

And don't you ever try to marry us again. We found some guys who know how to treat a woman. But, Amber, I can change. Will you shut up?

Oh, this seems somehow familiar. Let's see. Hmm. Oh! Whoa! Too hot. Mmm, hmm. Oh. Too cold. Well, this doesn't take a genius. Mmm. We're in the three bears' house!

Oh, it's beautiful, Dad. It's a crane. The japanese believe they bring good luck. Oh, be careful. We need that money to get home. No!

Well, there is this one thing.

His feet slip out from under him! The ball flies loose, hits the referee goes in the basket! It's a three-point play! The Lakers win! Looks like I pulled a Homer. Our dad! Now he belongs to the ages.

do it For yoda while we serve our guests A Soda uh, and do it For chewie and The ewoks And all the other puppets

I have a bomb! Hey, wait a minute! Those are hot dogs! Armour Hot Dogs! What kind of man wears Armour Hot Dogs? It was a good idea, Bart. But it's just not working. just speak from the heart, Seymour.

Dr. Zaius, Dr. Zaius Dr. Zaius, Dr. Zaius Oh, Dr. Zaius Dr. Zaius, Dr. Zaius What's wrong with me I think you're crazy Want a second opinion You're also lazy Dr. Zaius, Dr. Zaius Dr. Zaius, Dr. Zaius Dr. Zaius, Dr. Zaius oh, Dr. Zaius

It's just a piece of paper. It's mine! "Frightfully sorry, but there is no hidden treasure. "I have already used this time to escape from your jail. Fondest wishes--" Oh, I can't make out the signature! Keep digging. We're bound to find something. Mmm. I guess we're not going to find anything.

All right, stick it to the man.

Fine. I'll do it myself. That was amazing, Mr. Burns!

I'm telling ya. The light would work better if it pointed out to sea! Arr! Shut up! I know what I'm doing! Arr! I hate the sea and everything in it. Bye, buh-bye, buh-bye. Thank you for choosing our church. Buh-bye.

Name, please. Certainly. I am... the, uh, piano genius from the movie Shine. Uh-huh. And your name is? Uh, Shiny McShine. Actually, he's Homer Simpson. That's Bart. I'm Lisa. Lisa Simpson? You're the ship's proofreader. Welcome aboard.

They were about rebellion, about political and social upheaval! Did you talk about me in therapy today? I don't think so. Tell me the truth! Don't tell her I raised my voice. Don't. Happy family. Happy family.

Coming up this hour on the Impulse Buying Network, your chance to own a piece of itchy and Scratchy, the Toontown twosome beloved by everyone-- even cynical members of Generation X. Yeah, "groovy." Troy, I'm proud to offer your viewers... these hand-drawn Itchy & Scratchy animation cels.

Silence! Here they are, the Party Posse!

Um, hello. My name is Marge Simpson, and I painted this. Maybe you'd like to know what possessed me to do it.

Gee, I don't know what you've got planned for tonight, Homer, but count me out. Didn't you buy any meat? This baby's sure to kill something. Okay now, everybody. Stand back while I celebrate freedom! Bart, give me your matches.

Whatever Homer wants All my life, I have searched for a car that feels a certain way. Homer gets Powerful like a gorilla, yet soft and yielding like a Nerf ball. Now, at last, I have found it.

We're realistic.

All our children are smart. Some are just smarter than the others. Welcome to the others. (SCREAMS)

Night terrors, ma'am. Cobras!

Sure, he's not perfect. But who is in this workaday world? No, Mom. Wait. It's time for me to bend over and receive my destiny.

It's him! I bring you peace.

See, I'm trying to teach my son here about treating women as objects.

Hee-hee-hee! I got your doughnut, Lard Lad! And what are you gonna do about it?

This is Armin's life. Maybe it's not perfect, but at least I'm back where I belong. I was born a no-goodnik, and I'll die a no-goodnik. Seymour! I didn't bring you up to use language like that! You didn't bring me up at all. The hell I didn't! I've been taking care of you for 26 years! I'm the only mother you've ever known! But you have your real son.

The clown is down.

Okay, Marge. You hide in the abandoned amusement park. Lisa, the pet cemetery. Bart, spooky roller disco. And I'll go skinny-dipping in that lake... where the sexy teens were killed a hundred years ago tonight. Now, Flanders, I want you to--

and most of all, I need you to love me, because I love you. But how do I know I can trust you? Marge, look at me. We've been separated for a day, and I'm as dirty as a Frenchman. In another few hours I'll be dead. I can't afford to lose your trust again.

All right, Pigs, beat those Gougers!

You were always my special little guy. Bart, here's that cupcake you wanted. I can't help but think if I had just given it to you in the first place, this whole horrible tragedy could have been avoided. I know you can't eat it now,

my Bologna has A second name it's h-o-m-e-r oh, I Scram! There goes the last lingering thread of my heterosexuality.

I gotta tell ya, this is pretty terrific. Yeah!

Silence! Cease all quips and comebacks! Look! You weren't in dress rehearsal, so you're not in the show! This can't be good for my pacemaker. Oy. What are you doing here?

I don't wanna have to wash any dishes. So from now on, drink straight from the faucet or milk carton, and we'll eat while standing over the sink or toilet. - Who's gonna change Maggie? - We're gonna let her roam free in the backyard, and nature will take its course. Excuse me, but I think if we all do our fair share, we can keep this house clean.

Stop being such babies. You can't be afraid to try new things. For instance, tonight I'm using a-- Apu, what do you call this thing again?

Lisa, read about my adventures in the South Seas... and make me live again. We've got periodicals on microfiche.

The Simpsons D'oh!

Yes, thank God those days are over.

How are you doing? Hey, what's up there? I love this song. Hey, Chief. Shut up! I love this song. Ooh, yeah. Shut up, Lou! I wanna Jam it with you we're jamming, jamming I'm jamming, jamming And I hope you like jamming too

Good Lord! Bart's mooning the flag! Don't look, Buttermilk! (CROWD JEERING) How dare he? That's the flag my grandpappy rebelled against!

(IMITATING MARGE) I'm Marge Simpson, and even I'm against "Families Come First." Now it's time to do some coke off the blade of a knife.

(HOMER SCREAMING)

...he really loves me-- There she is. Hey, Princess, it's me, the guy from the snapshot. Oh. Oh, hi. Places, ladies, places. Can I get just a little cooperation ? It's show time. Look. I'm here because I want to apologize for treating you like an object. Uh-huh. I also want my boy...

Sir, I am in your debt. Use it wisely, my friend.

"Y." "Y." So many letters to choose from. I'll pick "Y." "Y." "Y." What the heck are you doin' over there? There! You found the floor. "Y." "Y." "Y." "Y." "Y." "Y."

Okay. From tappa-tappa-tappa. Lisa's bad dancing makes my feet sad. Oh! Let's take five. What am I doing wrong, Little Vicki? Well, you're falling a lot. Maybe you should work on that.

So shall my knife find favor with thy belly. (GRUNTS) (GROANS) (LAUGHING EVILLY) (THUNDER RUMBLING) (GRUNTS) (GROANS)

You mean it ain't me noggin', it's me Peepers? Oh, well, that's just "loverly."

How am I supposed to eat without watching TV? Yeah. Something tells me you won't starve, huh? (GROANS) Huh, chief? When are you gonna stop poking me? Will it be soon?

Hello, gov'nor. Lube job while you wait? Don't touch me.

I don't know which is a bigger disappointment-- my failure to formulate a unified field theory, or you. I don't like your tone. If you are looking for trouble, you found it. Yeah, just try me, you-- Now's our opening!

It's like Paul's song, "Live and Let Live." It was "Live and Let Die." Whatever, whatever. It had a good rhythm. I guess I have been pretty hard on a lot of people, especially my dad. Thanks, you guys. Lisa, before you go, would you like to hear a song? Wow! That'd be great! Okay. Take it, apu.

That's enough, Gloria !

Okay, everybody. Let's see some big smiles. just relax and let the hooks do their work. What the hell are you smiling at?

just watch. I don't think he's coming back.

Benedict Arnold. Lizzie Borden. Richard Nixon. But I'm not dead yet. In fact, I just wrote an article for Redbook. Hey, listen, I did a favor for you. Yes, master. john Wilkes Booth. Blackbeard the Pirate. john Dillinger. And the starting line of the 1976 Philadelphia Flyers.

Can it outrun The Flash?

All right, pie, I'm just gonna do this. And if you get eaten, it's your own fault! Ow! Oh! Oh! My-- Oh, to hell with it.

Where's Otis? He's not in his cell. - I shot him. - Well, that's a-- What?

Yeah, I used to be rich. I owned Mickey Mouse massage parlors. Then those Disney sleazeballs shut me down. I said, "I'll change the logo-- put Mickey's pants on." Some guys you just can't reason with.

Uh, come here, tiger. Hmm. Would you like some wine? Yes!

Ah! Hello, UN Women's Conference! (EXCLAIMS) We're trapped!

Lisa, it's time you learned the truth about men. They're pigs? The bitterness is strong in this one.

Because the schools can't force you like they should. Maude, these new finger razors make hedge trimming as much fun as sitting through church.

Aw... you be good. I will. As I look into this sea of smiling faces I am filled with a sense of loathing and revulsion.

I can't wait that long. To pass the time, help yourself to some more stock.

Freeze, bad guy! Vote Quimby!

Sir, you're alive! But how? Because of my svelte physique, I was able to fit in a narrow air pocket. I survived on whatever sustenance came my way.

- Homer, stop picking at it. - Oh! But I'm so sweet and tasty. Well, time to go to work. Dad, I wouldn't go outside if I were you. Don't worry, boys. He's gotta come out of there sometime.

Oh. jacks. jacks are big. They went out for a while, but then they came roaring back. Oh, you mean that game with the little rubber ball? Oh, don't worry. You'll pick it up fast. Once you get to foursies, you're in the zone.

By the end, I thought I was a hummingbird of some kind.

Mom. Dad. I missed you. Aww! Homer, that's Hans Moleman. Can I keep him anyway? Huh? Huh? ...Scratchy Show

Sure. Sure we had. Of course we was caves. But every cave had a national anthem. I'll never forget my cave's national anthem. What was that national anthem? Let 'em all go to hell except Cave 76 What's with the si-- What's with the siren?

Wait a minute. Bronchial tubes clearing. Asthma disappearing. Acne... remains. But asthma disappearing. My germs!

You're dead. You should wash up for dinner. To make it fun, you can use the Mr. Bubble. It'll be like giving your fingers a bubble bath. You are so dead.

If ifs and buts were candy and nuts-- - Uh, how does the rest of that go? - Please, just promise you won't buy an air conditioner till we've figured out a way to help Lisa.

Whoa! Ooh! Aah! It's hopeless! There's nothin' to it. Give me those heels. Heel, toe, heel, toe, heel, toe. Hmm. Do you really think I can win? Hey, I'm starting to think I can win.

Hmm. There it is. "Australia." I'll be damned. Look at this country! "U-R-Gay."

No, we're not worried. Our customers buy Duff... for its robust taste, not its alcoholic content. I predict our new alcohol-free Duff Zero... will sell even better than our previous brand. Oh!

Hey, don't you wanna take your shoes off before you go swimmin'? Professor? Oh. Oh. Um-- Hmm.

Hey, Bart, how about a blast from the past? A 40-year-old novelty beverage?

"D'oh." Sorry, M.B., but I'm having trouble with this character. Is he supposed to have some kind of neurological impairment, like Rain Man or Awakenings? I mean, what the hell am I doing here? And this dialogue has none of the wit and sparkle of Murphy Brown.

Yeah. The doctor. Workin' 9 to 5 what A way to make A livin' ...and when ye tallow hardens, we remove it from yon mold.

I'm gonna write that sitcom about the sassy robot. Here, kids. I guess you deserve this. Let's go. I guess nobody likes the truth, huh, Grampa? Nope. I'll never watch an awards show again. Unless that delightful Billy Crystal's involved.

"Mr. Smithers plus guest." Huh. There's only one person I would want to bring. Oh, Mr. Burns, we'll thaw you out... the second they discover the cure for... 17 stab wounds in the back. How are we doing, boys? Well, we're up to 15.

Whee! Where's my elephant?

Johnny's next record was a spoken word album of his right-wing political views. It killed his career. If you can tell me the name of that album, call our contest line now. I know that! Hello. This is Homer Simpson. Homer, can you name that title? "This Things I Believe."

Oh, I love you, son. I love you, too, Daddy. Oy, a klop tsu deer! Hyuk! Hyuk! Hyuk!

- No! - Who else? Uh-- Uh-- Oh. MacGyver's gay. Oh! You bad-mouthed MacGyver, didn't you? Ma-- Uh-- Ma-- Huh?

You know why all this happened, don't ya? 'Cause I took my marriage for granted. You know, in 12 years, I never once helped out with the housework. Oh, yeah, you gotta do that. I could have at least stayed in shape for her. Oh, and for yourself. I could have taken just a little time to-- to make her feel special.

not gonna teach forever Gonna give showbiz A try Try

Hello, Bart. Oh, it's you, Bob. How you doing? No screams? Not even an "eep"? Hey, I'm not afraid of you. Every time we tangle, you wind up in jail. I'm 6 and 0. I'll admit that the record is a little one-sided.

I'm telling you, I could nay have shot Burns.

It's the last day of school, Milhouse. Try to show some dignity.

But first, let's check the death count... from the killer storm bearing down on us like a shotgun full of snow. Well, Kent, as of now, the death count is zero, but it is ready to shoot right up.

From the town of Springfield He's about to hit a chestnut tree

But you'll find one gets more respect as a humble civil servant... than as a homicidal maniac or a clown's sidekick. Aha! I knew it! You're still angry that Krusty picked me instead of you.

Frink, you little weasel. I'll kill you. May I remind you we're in open court? I'll kill you, too. I'll kill you all. Mister Motherloving, that could be interpreted as a threat. I'll kill you while you sleep. Objection.

I'm... an impostor. That man is the real Seymour Skinner. Keep looking shocked and move slowly towards the cake.

Oh, yeah. That's a fine-lookin'-- D'oh! Okay, no big deal! Stupid Lisa! Gotta build fast. Cement drying! All right. Let's see. Ohh, English side ruined! Must use French instructions!

moon river and me Wow! I didn't think he was gonna do "Moon River," but then, bam-- second encore.

drinking a beer, staring at the TV. I've never seen him like that. Forget about your father! You're driving for me now. Do it for your old man, boy. Simpson, prepare to die.

If you ask me--

Cut to commercial!

Martin, draw up plans for a coconut radio, and, if possible, a coconut Nintendo system.

Breath... short. Left arm... numb. Can't go on describing symptoms much longer. I think he's had a heart attack.

It is, it is, but first let me introduce you to my family-- My perfect family. This is my wife, Marge. Hello. And our beautiful baby. My daughter Lisa-- I.Q. 156. Hi. See? And my son Bart. He owns a factory downtown.

The French government wants to give me the Legion of Honor? Where do I receive this prestigious award? Izzy's deli, 1:00. Thank you, Monsieur President. Au revoir.

Snowball ii, Santa's Little Helper-- This is Princess. Please don't exclude her because she's different.

Now, you can either have the washer and dryer where the lovely Smithers is standing, or you can trade it all in for what's in this box. The box. The box!

Oh, here you go. I believe that's all in order. I can't believe that worked! Hey! That's not the wallet inspector. Marge, they don't have anywhere to stay.

Boy, when Marge first told me she was going the police academy, I thought it'd be fun and exciting, you know, like that movie, Spaceballs. But instead it's been painful and disturbing like that movie Police Academy.

I don't want to pry into your personal life-- Then don't! Doctor, how could a little baby save a full-grown man from drowning? It's quite simple. When a parent's life is in danger, a child can summon superhuman strength. Well, all I care about is that my little girl loves me.

Oh, here comes that cannonball guy. He's cool. Are you being sarcastic, dude? I don't even know anymore.

What was it? "Don't yell at Homer"! No, that's okay. What was it? "Slow." They called you "slow"! How dare you call me that? I-- Huh? Hey, Homer, you still here? Boy, you are slow. Something said. Not good. Get the hell out of here.

Well, now for our weekly segment, "Yesterday's News," featuring Homer Simpson. Are you as bored as I am with the antics of this warmed-over Fred Flintstone? I say it's time to put this one-trick pony out to stud.

I've said it before and I'll say it again, democracy simply doesn't work.

Ambassador Henry Mwabwetumba of the Ivory Coast writes: "What is the real deal with Mr. Burns's assistant, Smithers? You know what I'm talking about." Of course we do.

All right. I'll only be gone for a second. Hey! Frontsies. Backsies. I'm with them. V.I.P. coming through. Very important person. Give me frontsies. What in the--

If I went to a barbecue and there was no meat, I would say, "Yo, goober! Where's the meat?" I'm trying to impress people here, Lisa. You don't win friends with salad. You don't win friends with salad You don't win friends with salad You don't win friends with salad You don't win friends with salad You don't win friends with salad

A thousand dollars ? Dimoxinil ? "To keep brain from freezing" ? Now I've got you, Simpson.

Now while I wasn't able to cut everyone I wanted to, I have cut a lot of you. Wendell is cut. Rudy is cut. Janie, you're gone. Steven, I like your hustle. That's why it was so hard to cut you. Congratulations! The rest of you made the team. Except you, you and you.

Well, that's some nice glowering, Mr. "B."

We'd met the enemy, and it was Montgomery Burns. Drastic action had to be taken to stop his war machine.

Guess who, fat boy! - Marge! Marge, look! - Oh, my God! The doll's trying to kill me, and the toaster's been laughing at me. Eww! Dog water.

There you have it. Unrehearsed testimonies from important celebrities. She's one of my favorites. I loved her in the thing I saw her in. You know, my course can help you with every personality disorder... in the "feel bad" rainbow. Let's look at the rainbow. What's in there?

Can I leave? Of course, and don't worry There will be plenty of apples for you. Nobody will take away your precious apples. The note was asking you to-- No, tell my secretary I said you could have a free apple. She'll make everything all right. I promise.

Hold on. I'll check. Uh, hey, everybody. I'm a stupid moron with an ugly face and a big butt... and my butt smells and I like to kiss my own butt.

Did you really have to handcuff the children? No, ma'am, I did not.

Let's walk over to them. Why walk when you can dance? Where's Lisa? Shh! This plot is hard enough to follow as it is.

You guys shouldn't laugh at him. Mr. Burns has changed. He's different now. Yeah. He's broke. Two in a row!

Eyeball stew. Homer, we just got here,

Oh, my God, Marge. A penalty shot with only four seconds left. It's your child versus mine! The winner will be showered with praise! The loser will be taunted and booed until my throat is sore! - Kill her, boy! Kill her! - Stop him dead, little girl!

I have a bomb! Hey, wait a minute! Those are hot dogs! Armour Hot Dogs! What kind of man wears Armour Hot Dogs? It was a good idea, Bart. But it's just not working.

TV's there, bathroom's there, and there's your king-size bed for-- - Hubba-hubba. - Stop that! I love my wife and family. All I'm gonna use this bed for is sleeping, eating, and maybe building a little fort-- that's it.

Well, hello, little birdies. - Not the eyes! - My eyes! Cover your eyes!

Fly, my pretties. Fly!

Hey, robot, get your fat metal ass down here! First of all, I'm not a robot.

I don't see how you can support Proposition 24, Dad. Open your eyes, Lisa. Our schools are so jam-packed with immigrants, kids like Bart have lost the will to learn. There's no denying it, Sis. But immigration is what America's all about. Even the Simpson family immigrated to America. Right, Grandpa?

Gee, a romantic evening. Nah, she's too smart to fall for that. I'm not done. After dinner, the two of you are going to check into the fanciest motel in town... and not check out until the next morning, if you get my drift. I read you loud and clear. Heh, heh, heh, heh !

Um, Milhouse, if you stay a little while longer, you can have this blazer. It's a Bob Mackie original. Wow! A Bob Mackie! Uh... sorry, Bart. Oh.

Excuse me. Bart's a little upset this morning, so could everyone please be extra-nice to him? Hey, where's your diaper, baby? Thank goodness he's drawn attention away from my shirt.

Well, maybe I want to. But then I think about Marge and the kids. Well, not the boy. He drives me nuts. Sometimes I'd just like to-- Homer,

Look how healthy I am. You see? I'm finally thin enough... to wrap this thing around my arm.

I wish I read that book by that wheelchair guy.

And I had a blimp fall on me! And I was in an atomic blast! But I'm okay now!

I do not miss Bart at all. I am glad he's gone. As am I. B'oh! It's probably my imagination, but something about them didn't seem quite right.

(OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYING) Please don't take me. Take Milhouse. We all know there's no happy ending there. Your time is up. This is for Snowball I and JFK! Ow!

'Fraid old Zeke, he rides up here with me. Can't trust a pig with watermelons, you know.

Ghost? What ghost? B-B-Before the show, you said we were having a special "ghost" tonight. I said we were having a special "guest" tonight. Mr. Tim Conway! What's a Tim Conway? Oh, about a 120 pounds.

Really ? Yes. Oh ! - Champagne ? - Please.

Think harder, Homer.

On the other hand, who's to say what's right these days, what with all our modern ideas... and products? All right. We'll give the stupid elephant to the stupid animal refuge.

Don't you ever, ever talk that way about television. You lousy, ungrateful can't-keep-their, what-do-you-call-it...

Uh-oh. Two independent thought alarms in one day. The students are over-stimulated. Willie, remove all the colored chalk from the classrooms. I warned ya! Didn't I warn ya? That colored chalk was forged by Lucifer himself!

Can I, Mom? Lisa, you do whatever your conscience tells you.

All right. That's it. I've been scorched by Krusty before. I got a rapid heartbeat from those Krusty Brand vitamins. My Krusty calculator didn't have a seven or an eight! And Krusty's autobiography was self-serving with many glaring omissions. But this time, he's gone too far!

Would you like a tall, frosty one, Homer? No. Must resist temptation. Go ahead. Give in. Beer! Beer!

Fight and bite and bite Fight, fight, fight Bite, bite, bite You know, some of these stories are pretty good. The itchy & Scratchy Show I never knew mice lived such interesting lives.

Boys love candy. No, thanks. Boys love candy. Eew. I think I'd rather just get to work, ma'am.

"Explosion imminent." Oh, my God! The plant's gonna explode! Hey, that thing's going caca-cuckoo. Who cares? It's Homer's problem.

The itchy and scratchy show Special guest director, Quentin Tarantino. Yes, I'm Stuck in the middle with you and I'm wondering what it is I should do - It's so hard to keep the smile Yeah! From my face Losing control, yeah I'm all over the place

Uh-oh. Oh, for cryin' out loud!

You want me to replace the villain with a dog? I mean, nobody will know what's going on. They will if you set up that the dog is evil. All you have to do is show him doing this-- And people will suspect the dog.

(SNORING) (GASPS) People bored with opera? That's impossible! (CACKLES) To failure, dear brother. Oops. (SNORING) (REQUIEM PLAYING)

I hope she didn't take my attempt to destroy her too seriously.

I'm sorry, Lisa. People go to a children's dance recital... expecting a certain level of professionalism. But-But you don't understand-- I ate too much plastic candy. Heavens to betsy. The star of the show is sick. Whatever will we do? There's only one person who can get us out of this pickle. Lisa?

Simpson, give me your newspaper ! Why should I ? I wanna do the crossword puzzle. No, I want to do the crossword puzzle ! - I said, give me that puzzle. - No. - Give me ! Give me ! - No ! NO !

Flanders, I'm gonna do something I should've done a long time ago! Would you help me be a better husband? Huh?

Which one's the mouse? Itchy. Itchy's a jerk. Yeah.

Get me Steven Spielberg! He's unavailable. Then get me his nonunion Mexican equivalent. Listen, SeÑor Spielbergo, I want you to do for me what Spielberg did for Oskar Schindler. Schindler es bueno. SeÑor Burns es el diablo.

Well, we brought some pizza. If you don't start making more sense, we're gonna have to put you in a home. You already put me in a home. Then we'll put you in the crooked home we saw on 60 Minutes. I'll be good.

Dad, isn't this stealing? Read your town charter, boy. "If foodstuff should touch the ground, said foodstuff shall be turned over to the village idiot." Since I don't see him around, start shoveling.

Huh? Hee-hee-hee!

Mom, Dad, help! He's trying to kill me!

Banana bread! What the hell were you thinking? Banana bread.

Thanks for calling, kids. A new message every day.

We've isolated the problem. Wouldn't you know-- false alarm. It seems a single wayward crow flew into our warning system. Your point about nuclear hysteria is well taken. This reporter promises to be less vigilant in the future. Excellent. Well, ta.

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