comb.io - Clips

Almost got it. Drop the food, Chief!

Aurora borealis at this time of year... at this time of day in this part of the country... localized entirely within your kitchen?

What’s your name? I'm- I'm Bart Simpson and- Hey, are you skateboarding legend Tony Hawk? That's what my business cards say. Oh, wait. That's my old phone number.

Everyone to my place for blueberry Squishies and microwave burritos ! The greatest fight ever, and I missed it. We're really proud of you, Dad. What a donnybrook, eh, Mr. Burns. Oh, hogwash !

Where have all the flowerS gone long time passing Smithers-- You think maybe my power plant killed those ducks? There's no maybe about it, sir. Excellent. Marge, can I get a duck?

Grampa, quick! Tell me everything you know about World War I. World War I? I fought in that!

Stupid bug! You go squish now! But that was just one little insignificant mosquito. That can't change the future, right? Right? I dunno.

Amen! Baboons to the left of me, baboons to the right. The speeding locomotive tore through a sea of inhuman fangs.

What happened to you, Homer? - And what have you done to the car? - Nothin'. I don't think it had broken axles before. Before! Before! You're livin' in the past, Marge. Quit livin' in the past.

...and thereby reducing the number of states to 49. Cool. ts the NBC news feed. Mmm. Feed. You get to see what they do during commercial breaks. We'll be right back with a special report... on soccer moms who hate soccer. Clear! Oh, Lord. I'm so fat.

Party, party, party, party! Hmm? You want to know a little trick? To downsize my derriere, I just tie a sweater around it. See? (GASPS) (IN FEMALE VOICE) "Oh, Homer. You're wasting away to nothing. "You simply must eat something."

And this is the snack holder where I can put my beverage or, if you will, cupcake.

Boys, I'd like your attention, please. Quiet, Marge ! This is my big moment ! Bart "The Bloody Pulp" Simpson is on the ropes. He is hoping I'll put him out of his misery !

Children, it's time for you to go to bed. But, Mom, I wanna hear... the witty banter of sophisticated adults. Yeah, you can't have any fun in bed. Oh, son, when you're older, you'll know better. Mmm. Oh, baby. Mmm.

- you'll wet your pants. - Too late.

Ow, ow, ow, ow! Skinner, why aren't these uniforms colorfast? I don't understand it. I got them at the same place I buy Mother's dresses, and--

Hi, I'm Homer Simpson. I need some guidance, Counselor.

Today’s book is Bridget Jones's Diary. Now let's go around the room... and analyze why we didnt read it.

Huh? (GASPS) Hey! You knocked out my power. How am I supposed to eat without watching TV? Yeah. Something tells me you won't starve, huh? (GROANS) Huh, chief? When are you gonna stop poking me? Will it be soon? Relax, dumbass.

Hello, everyone.

Well, get out the Crayolas and color me tickled pink.

Huh? Great news, everyone. Goliath is dead!

Oh! You bad-mouthed MacGyver, didn't you? Ma-- Uh-- Ma-- Huh?

Pete, ye got some customers. No, we're looking for this man-- Krusty the Clown. Hmm. N'arr, n'arr, n'arr. It's hopeless, Bart. We've searched up and down these docks,

Oh, the whole forest is blooming.

Hyuk, hyuk, hyuk. Well, we're still on. 346 consecutive hours, and all because of one little boy who-- who won't let me stop! Anyway, now let's go over and see if Sideshow Mel... has any more of those legal...

but since there's no proof, i must find him not guilty.

It took years of effort. I've never been afraid of hard work. That's the spirit.

I'm sure you all have one. Oh, yeah. Carl and I each have a masters. Of course, old Homer-- He didn't need a degree. He just showed up the day they opened the plant. I didn't even know what a nuclear "panner" plant was. Um-- Yeah. Well, listen. I'm sure we all have a lot of work to do.

just because I wrecked something she worked really hard on and I made her cr-- Uh-oh. I'm sorry, Lisa. Apology accepted. You know, Marge, we're great parents.

Now, that's real acid, so I want to see goggles, people.

One-eyed, two-timing-- I'm gonna-- Oh, yeah? Well-- hyperbolic paraboloid-- your mama.

Mom, I need a ride to school!

(LASER SHOTS FIRED) (GIRLS SCREAMING) What should we click on next? JIMBO: "Boxer shot by wife"? "Beauty pageant diarrhea"? KEARNEY: Here's a new one. "Big-ass Baryshnikov." (CLICKING) (GRUNTING)

Well, it looks like we're not going to settle this tonight. Mrs. Simpson, in the nine seconds we have left, can you summarize your position for us ? Yes. I'd like to ask all the parents in Springfield who are concerned about this... to write in and let the cartoon makers know how you feel. Thank you.

Ladies, I apologize. And you, sir, are worse than Hitler.

Promise me you'll report this. Consider yourself fired! I had a car! Mom, can we go into this bookstore? Please, please, please, please, please, please, please?

Homer, I know you worked hard. But all of your things were kind of the same. Hey, Ray j. johnson never changed his act, and he's more popular now than he's ever been. Who? You can call him Ray. Or you can call him J. Or you can call him Ray j. But you doesn't have to call him-- I'm sick of him already.

He's a good boy now, and he's getting better, and sometimes even the best sheep stray from the flock... and need to be hugged extra hard. That's exactly the kind of crapola that's lousing him up. Hey, look at this. "I am a Wiener." He sure is.

Yes, sir. Looks like they'll be feeding him Thanksgiving dinner through a tube.

It was my first-- and last-- blackberry schnapps. Ned, did you clip Ann Landers today? - Ann Landers is a boring old biddy. - Ned! I was more animal than man! My name is Otto.

Sorry. I am not an easy man to work for. While directing Hats off to Hanukkah, I reduced more than one cast member to tears. Did I expect too much from fourth graders? The review, "Play Enjoyed By All," speaks for itself. Hmm.

Have you been eating that sandwich again? Sandwich. Geez, we hardly made a dent in that 10-foot hoagie. Well, I'll give it a good home. Mm! You've been eating that thing for a week. I think the mayonnaise is starting to turn.

Whoa! It's like Speed 2, only with a bus instead of a boat.

Man alive, there are men alive in here. I'm detecting over 20 different toxins in the air.

He's got you there, Dad. You're a fraud-- A total fraud. It was nice meeting you. Wow! Adding machines.

ANNOUNCER: We now return to Keepin' it Kodos, starring Kang. Is dinner ready yet? Our boss will be here any minute now. (GRUNTING) Ugh! This one keeps eating himself.

Hyuk! Hyuk! Hyuk! Great show, Krusty. I really laughed when... Yeah, yeah. where's my nicotine Gum? Ah, that's the stuff! Damn, I'm exhausted. Those Kids were like ice. You've got a merchandising meeting. - Cancel it! - Therapist?

I bad want... money now. Me sick."

Come on, Marge. You're good at these. Help me out. How about CompuGlobalHyperMeganet? Fine. It's not important. What really matters is my title. I think I'll make myself... vice president. No, wait. Junior vice president.

Homer, do you remember the way you acted at the party last night ? The way I acted ? So I said, "I must get out of these wet clothes and into a dry martini." Well said. Thank you. Oh, good Lord. There's a fly in my drink. I put it there. - You did ? - I slipped it into your glass as a gag. Pure hilarity ! Pure Homer. I pronounce it to be the most whimsical jape of the season.

Dennis, Brianna, Mavis, Brad--

Now, which way is Mecca? 'Cause I gotta do a little prayin'. Uh, Mecca? Well, let-- Nah! I'm just yanking your chain! I'm Jewish.

Gee. Is that what I look like when I'm drunk? You wish. That's the stage we call "Professor Barney." Talkative, coherent, even insightful. Here's drunk.

Chef Roderigo, what are you up to? Taste for yourself, Troy. Mm-mm-mmm! That can't be good for me. It tastes too good. That's where you're wrong. This whole pot is only 14 calories.

Litter is my most treacherous foe. I would like to eat its children. So long, suckers! Ooh! My mouth. My beautiful mouth. Excellent bout. Now we go party.

Oh. Well, Miss Bouvier we found the reason why you've been throwing up in the morning. Congratulations. D'oh! Poor guy. Perhaps this pamphlet will prove helpful. "So You've Ruined Your Life."

Also, sir, your Loudmouth Leopard is a rip-off of Jackie Gleason. Humina, humina, humina, humina, humina.

Check out all the left-wing celebrities. Elmo go to wrong fundraiser. Bill Clinton? What are you doing here? I called the Republican tax cuts unwise. And I stand by it. They're unwise.

Yeah. What's the deal? Well, I used to do a lot of tumbling in my act, but I'm phasing it out for more dirty limericks. There once was a man named Enis-- I can just haul it away, free? Yep. It's all yours.

You got the dud! Hey, he looks just like you, Poindexter! How come Lisa doesn't have to play? Why does she get to hang out with her friends? You got friends. You got the dud right here. Stand up for yourself, Poindexter.

Ah, man! That horse don't take no guff from nobody. Guff? I mean sh--

Listen. I don't like you, and you don't like me. But we both wanna stop Homer from shootin' a turkey. You don't like me? I like you. You do? Then I like you too. Here. Have a towelette.

Look, it's Reverend lovejoy! Thank heavens! Entrust your hand to mine, Ned. Ooh-ooh!

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Let me get this straight. They let everybody out of school early just because you brought a dog? Well, yeah, but-- Well, I'm off to work.

You've gained 13 pounds. Disingenuous mountebanks with their subliminal chicanery-- A pox on them!

oh, shake, shake, shake shake, shake, shake shake your booty shake your booty - Shh!

See ya. Oh. What's that awful sound? The furnace? It's me. Aww! Why is you so down, Little Miss Vicki? My kitty cat's sick, and I'd be ever so sad if she should die.

"How now, brown bureaucrat?" Whoo-hoo! Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo! Whaa-ha-ha-ho!

My hobbies include- f Ned 's Voice f Being quiet during trips... clapping with songs, and diabetes.

My purpose in life is to witness this moment. We need the outlet for our rock tumbler. Plug it in! Plug it in! What, the rock tumbler or the TV? The TV! The TV! Show

You're deceptive. I don't see anything. Hey, who's driving the bus? Ooh! Una momento, por favor.

Eeny, meeny, miney, moe. Is Homer a hero? The answer is no. I'm Kent Brockman and that was "My Two Cents." Now, Scott Christian with "Laugh and a Half."

Remember me? My name is Marge. The TV mom whose hair is large. Step back, Mom. It's Bart's turn now. Eat my shorts. Don't have a cow. I'm Lisa, peppy, blonde and stunning.

Oooh, I've wasted my life. You call that prime rib? Yuck.

I don't care what you say. I can taste the newspaper. Posh! Shredded newspapers add much needed roughage and essential inks. Besides, you didn't notice the old gym mats. There's very little meat in these gym mats.

Yes. That's a real pickle.

Come on, Homer. japan will be fun. You liked Rashomon. That's not how I remember it. Besides, if we wanna see Japanese people, - we could have gone to the zoo. - Homer!

Get off of my moor, you mischievous weans! Actually, we prefer to stay. You're thinking about hurting us. Now you're thinking, "How did they know what I was thinking?"

Now where were we?

Back then, The Artist Formerly Known as Prince was currently known as Prince. Tracey Ullman was entertaining America... with songs, sketches and crudely drawn filler material. And Bart was eagerly awaiting his first day of school.

Your ignorance is amusing and sad. I am dressed in the actual clothing worn by Cosmic Wars creator Randall Curtis. I bought them at auction, then added pregnancy panels to fit my unique body type.

and process the hell out oft .. till " good enough for Krusty. 77y my new K rusty Rib wich. Mmml l don 't mind the taste. Ooh, a new hamburger sandwich.

twice as much love in this house as there is now. We're gonna start doin' it in the morning? No! Oh. We're going to have another baby. Marge, that's-- Bye-bye, keys. Hear that, Bart? You're going to have a little brother or sister to play with.

Krusty clowned his way to the top of a personal mini-empire... with dozens of endorsements, including his own line of pork products. This may have led to one of television's best-loved bloopers-- Krusty's near-fatal, on-the-air heart attack in 1986.

And you were there,

Future skank! Family guy!

The Itchy and Scratchy Show

You've desecrated a classic film. This is worse than Godfather iii. Whoa. Whoa. Hey, whoa. Let's not say things we can't take back. All right, all right. I'm sorry. But this film is never going to see the light of day. Look. They're towing away a Range Rover. There's no-- Yoink!

Well, if it isn't Homer J. Simpson. I can't get your song out of my mind. I haven't felt this way since "Funky town." Aren't you sweet. Can I get a copy of it?

Get the hell outta here! Ha! - Ever seen a guy say good-bye to a shoe? - Yes, once. Mr. Scorpio, this house is almost too good for us.

The boy who saved you from jail. Well, we made a terrible, terrible mistake. Ah... won't happen again. There was one boy who trusted me all along. - Bart? - Yes, sir? Thank you. Oh, yeah.

The Simpsons D'oh! D'Oh!

Yes, everyone loves rules. It's so tough to be a parent these days, what with all the gangs and the drugs. Oh, yeah, drugs. You gotta have drugs.

What are you doing here? I told you. I'm not your monkey anymore. Silence, monkey. Now that you're Father Christmas,

I'm not not licking toads. Well, it's time to get to work. Humanitarian Homer Simpson, over and out. Gather round, everyone. I'm gonna teach you about religion.

I never even heard about that. I don't understand it. We're always the ones who solve these problems. I guess you don't need it now, but... we had a plan too. Hey, great. Listen. Write it down and mail it to last week, when I might have cared.

Anything? Well, that's a start. Agent johnson, F.B.I. I'm very happy to meet you. From now on, you're gonna work for us. Okay, but could you pay me under the table? I got a little tax problem.

and pulled apart by snowmobiles until he died. ALL: Eat my shorts! ALL: Cowabunga! (ALL SHOUTING) (EXPLOSION)

46% say you're too old...

Come back, zinc. Come back.

I left my Porsche keys inside Mrs. Glick. I am talking to the collection-money thief! Only you can come forward and end this injustice! Oh, what the heck. It was jessica Lovejoy!

Die, you chalk-faced goons! Come on. We just wanna eat your skin.

I promised my boy one simple thing: lots of riches. And that man broke my promise. Well, I've had it ! Bart, take a letter !

She's getting impatient. Take a stab at it. Happy... Valentine's Day. - Oh, thank you, dear. - Whoo-hoo! I'll bet you have a lot of things planned, eh, Dad? Uh, kind of. Nobody makes a big deal out of Valentine's day.

Lisa, you're not sprinkling your sparkles. Shove it.

Well, I'm going to tell you. Hee-hee-hee-hee-hee! The secret ingredient is... Homer, no! ...Cough syrup. Nothing but plain, ordinary, over-the-counter children's cough syrup. Shoot.

Bah! This is just another Hallmark holiday cooked up to sell cards. Ohh. A valentine from my granddaughter. Could I have the envelope?

My God-- The lemonade. Look at the lemonade. Uh-oh. Hey, look at that. Isn't that something? Quick-- Everybody inside.

30 seconds till your Little Stinker sketch. Get me a bigger lolly.

Take a hike, boss. I'm running things now. All hail King Homer.

Mum, Dad, meet Homer Simpson. How do you do? Hey, how are you? Nice to meet you. You know what's great about you English? Octopussy. Man, I must have seen that movie... twice.

This never would've happened if we'd gone to Macon, Georgia. I'm just sayin', is all. Fellows, I think perhaps the time has come to call our parents. No! They'd kill us. Look, we got here on our own, so we can survive here on our own. All we need is money, food and a way to get home. Follow me.

Sorry. Uh-oh. Me again.

Sorry. I grunted way too early. We win again. Hey, this was a lot of fun, guys. Yeah, we never knew nobody with their own tennis rink. So what happens now? Is the food free, or do we pay someone?

When I was young, toys were built to last. Look at this junk! It breaks the first time you take it out of the box. And look at these toy soldiers! They'll break the second I step on 'em. Stupid... toy... soldiers! Break, you stupid--

One of us. One of us. One of us. One of us. B-i-n-g-o B-i-n-g-o B-i-n-g-o

Aah! Oh! Bart, we'll do anything you want. just call off your giant mechanical ants! Aah! Whoa!

Homer, how did you think I'd feel when I saw that? Something like that.

Here's a catchphrase you better learn for your adult years: "Hey, buddy, got a quarter?"

everybody body's doin it whoo-ooh young lust there's no time For lovin' young lust I don't need one in the oven young lust I'm pushin' and shovin' yeah, yeah young lust c'mon now I just can't wait - Shh!

But I did get Paul McCartney out of Wings. You idiot! He was the most talented one! You do not love Mr. Burns.

Hot diggity! How 'bout that, Marge? Little ol' Stanley me. "Stella. Stella!" Hey, look me over Next! - Won't you come home Bill bailey - Next! There'S got to be A-- Next! Lov-- Thank you for nothing.

Homer, are you all right? No. Mr. Simpson, don't you worry. I watched Matlock in a bar last night. The sound wasn't on, but I think I got the gist of it.

What the hell. Simpson!

And that's how an heroic hippo became a deputy. Stupid hippo. This just in.

Ours is headed for the sun. Yeah. Ain't that a kick in the teeth? I mean, my shows weren't great, but I never tied people up and forced 'em to watch. And I could've, 'cause I'm a big guy, and I'm good with knots. So we're all gonna die? Afraid so. But hey, the grub's pretty good, huh? The sun? That's the hottest place on Earth.

I prefer my phrasing.

- Yeah, great. - What's the matter? Don't you see, Milhouse? We've gone too far. We need Skinner back. My water dish is empty!

It's just a joke. Oh, I get it! I get jokes.

This isn't what I wanted. Where's the edge? I followed your napkin. No napkin could wipe the crumbs of failure from your mouth!

Fritz, you idiot! I didn't order a baloney sandwich! I ordered an abalone sandwich! I don't know what Mom's thinking.

How'd you get wise to us? Are you kiddin'? They used to call me Grifty McGrift. I wrote the book on flimflammin'. Wow! He did! Yeah. In the Depression, you had to grift. Either that or work.

Homer, we've got to get out of here! Oh! But I wanna do some rioting. - Jobbers cobknots, ya mucker! - All done.

Oh, you must be Seymour's friend. He's up in his room. Don't touch the wallpaper. Ba-ba-ba-bum Ba-ba-ba-bum Now a little more allegro than last time. Bart!

Dancing away my hunger pangs Moving my feet so my stomach won't hurt I'm kinda like Jesus But not in a sacrilegious way Geez. Homer's losing it already. Yeah, but his weary shuffling makes my heart smile.

Bart, do you think it's safe? I don't care. I can't breathe in here. See, Marge? Who needs a car wash when you can just drive around in the rain?

(RUMBLING) Gotta go, sweetie! But I didn't read my poem! Here's a poem. Run fast or lose your ass! (ALL SCREAMING) Mr. Burns?

- Ow! - Oops. I should've warned you. That clock gets incredibly hot if you leave it plugged in. That's okay. Uh, all this stuff is fine. Now I am off to Wimbledon!

caSting out in the ocean

Must destroy mankind. Ooh! Lunchtime.

Five, six, so long, hicks! Whoa, whoa, whoa. You don't want to go in there. Some of those babies have their teeth. And those super sharp little fingernails.

Uh, listen. I'm married. (SIGHS) I'm looking up your nose, but I feel like I'm staring into your soul.

Now I'm going to burn this doughnut to show you how many calories it has. No! The bright blue flame indicates this was a particularly sweet doughnut. This is not happening. This is not happening!

If it wasn't you, then who was it? I'm sure these things didn't destroy themselves, now, did they? Did they?

No. Would you like to color something? I did. Mmm. That's damn fine coffee you got here in Twin Peaks...

Release the dogs. Gee, they look pretty mad. Yeah, I've been starvin' 'em, teasin' 'em, singing off-key. No! Nice doggy.

Son pieds sentit beau-- French for "her foot smells lovely." Oh. Prepare to be murdered. Huh? That's... Sanskrit for "your toes are like perfume." Voy a matar a usted. Wha? That's Spanish for "I am going to kill you."

Here you go, Ralph. You "Choo-Choo-choose" me? Happy Valentine's.

you just read the manual and press the right button. Simpson? Monty Burns. Come with me. Homer! Homer! Homer! Now, now... that will do. Homer, for your bravery and skill

David Crosby, you're my hero!

I don't know about this dog. He's kinda snooty. Homer, are you wearing a tie to impress Laddie? Do you think he noticed?

Simpson! Where's my dinner? Mamma mia! It was amazing how fast Dad betrayed his vision of a realistic show.

Who the hell is that? Some kind of leader?

I'm sane now. Dear Bart, I am using the stationery Mom and Dad gave me for my birthday to inform you that we are now brother and sister in name only.

And I didn't need molded plastic to improve my physique. Pure West. And how come Batman doesn't dance anymore? Remember the Batusi?

Thrust, spin, turn. Pivot, pout, jiggy. Jiggy, robot, do-si-do. And close with a Matrix.

Oh, and I bet that crazy pyramid was just the pro shop. And that talkin' coyote was really just a talkin' dog. Hi, Homer. Find your soul mate. Hey. Wait a minute! There's no such thing as a talkin' dog. Damn straight. So then I says to Mabel. I says--

Welcome back, Dad. How's your mom ? Still kind of ticked off. Yeah, Good luck, man. Oh, thanks boy. Hello, Marge.

Darn it! Why won't you die?

Here's johnny! D'oh! David Letterman! - Hi, David. I'm Grampa. - D'oh! I'm Mike Wallace. I'm Morley Safer. And I'm Ed Bradley. All this and Andy Rooney tonight on 60 Minutes!

Go ahead. Break a chair on me.

Next. Uh, Ralphie, get off the stage, sweetheart. Behold-- The power plant of the future...

I've seen plays that were more exciting than this. Honest to God. Plays! I don't wanna pay four bucks to watch some monkey wannabe laying in the sun! But, Dad, lemurs are nocturnal. Don't worry, honey. Daddy will fix that broken animal. No! I'm not gonna hurt him. I'm just gonna wake him up.

Welcome! Welcome! Welcome! To an evening of exciting quarter-mile action! Action! Action! Our first race is a benefit for daredevil Lance Murdock! Murdock! Murdock! Who's hospitalized with cirrhosis of the liver! Liver! Liver! All right! Liver!

A thousand dollars? How did you spend a thousand dollars? ts itemized. A $40 steak? Yeah. But if I'd eaten the whole thing, it would’ve been free. You’ve been living like a king on my dollar! Super unleaded gas! Silver bullets? Early on, l was working under the theory that your daughter was a werewolf. Didnt pan out.

Stupidity, eh? Must hurt self. Must hurt self. Must hurt self. D'Oh! Hmm. Probably better that didn't hit me.

It will be a pleasant memory when they're pumping gas for a living. This is the dawning of the age of Aquarius age of Aquarius Aquarius

Happy birthday ! Huh ? What ? Here's your birthday breakfast. Oh ! Isn't this nice ?

I've got a special delivery for Homer Simpson. Uh, that's me. Stop stealing golf balls from the driving range. Homer simpson, I've got a, uh, special delivery for you. Go away. If you do not open the door, Mr. Simpson,

Hello. Welcome to the United Kingdom. Prime Minister Tony Blair? Why are you greeting lowlifes like us at the airport? Because I want to encourage all the world to come see the beauty of 21st century Britain.

Take that, Bowlarama. Take that, convenience mart. Take that, nuclear power pl-- Oh, fiddlesticks.

The fingers you have used to dial are too fat. To obtain a special dialing wand, please mash the keypad with your palm now.

Mmm. Foot-long chili dog. It's a sign!

The potential for mischief varies inversely... with one's proximity to the authority figure. Well, yeah, but don't say it like that.

Lenny, without that dental plan, you wouldn't have that diamond in your tooth. Yoink! Hey! And, Gummy joe, where would you be without that dental plan? Well, I wouldn't have old chomper here, that's for sure. You know what I think of this contract?

All I can be is myself.

Mom and Dad side by side at the power plant. You'll be just like Marie and Pierre Curie. What did they do? They discovered radium. Then they both died of radiation poisoning. Hmm!

he's the one you want! (GASPING) Tape his mouth so he can't deny it!

and I'm pulling your favorite song out of the jukebox. "It's Raining Men"? Yeah, not no more it ain't. Ow! Ooh! Joke's on them. I'm still alive.

There's no shame in it. My dad-- Not mine. You didn't let me finish. Unless the next word was "burp," you didn't have to. In a sample taken in this very classroom, a state inspector found 1.74 parts per million of asbestos-- That's not enough ! We demand more asbestos !

Are we gonna die, son? Yeah. But at least we'll take a lot of innocent people with us. Homer? Homer? Y'ello? Homer, there's a man here who thinks he can help you. Batman? No, he's a scientist.

Happy thoughts. Happy, happy, happy. The people of Springfield have to make sure... they think happy thoughts and say happy things... because this particular monster can read minds. And if displeased, can turn people into grotesque walking terrors. Happy thoughts. Happy thoughts.

There's a new judge in town... with a hard-nosed approach to juvenile crime: punish the parents. Yeah! It's about time! Oh. Kids are running wild, Kent. And I blame Mr. and Mrs. Neverspank.

but did you steal my air conditioner? Well, I admit it looks bad, Flanders, but haven't you heard of... "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone"? Got him, Dad.

see my vest see my vest made from real gorilla Chest feel this sweater there's no better than authentic Irish setter see this hat, 'twas my Cat my evening wear vampire Bat these white slippers are albino African endangered rhino

Do you sell hats? Yeah. - To people? - Maybe. People with heads? Sometimes. Dude, I need a new cap. Aha! Did you steal dolls from my daughter? I think they demean women!

J For nowJ J i justp J Hold goo JJ

You remind me of me when I was a little boy.

We don't have a Clapper. Sorry, I can't hear you, Marge. I'm clapping. Nighty-night.

Yup! There's your answer, fish bulb. Well, it was a good ride while it lasted. Come on, kids. Let's go home. We are home. That was fast.

Whoa! "The crowning achievement of the dog-maker's art, "this limited-edition collie comes fully trained... "by Major jonas Fong, A.L.B.D.A. "Only 800 will be bred. Quite possibly the world's best dog."

Daddy, what's the red stuff coming out of kitty's ears?

Because, you see, you're here forever. Don't forget: You're here forever. Oh. I've never been so miserable in all my life.

Well, that's it. We've been canceled. I think we can be proud... that we never did a bad show, except for that week Ray jay johnson was my cohost. "You can call me Ray, and you can call me jay." Ooh! That thing was funny for about three seconds.

Who's the lard butt ? He's the bullfighter. No way a bull's gonna miss a target that big, man.

Whoa ! Bart, there are students in this class with a chance to do well. Will you stop bothering them ?

Sounds like you have a plan. Maybe I do, Chief. Maybe I do. Come on, boy. Think of a plan. I'm tryin', Dad! Kent Brockman at the now-closed Duff bottling plant, where a mysterious person in black keeps a solitary vigil.

Open wide. Here comes the airplane. This is what a cornfield looks like, honey.

Oh, son of a-- Oh, dear. Phew! Boy, that-- Ow!

I give her a week. Are you guys talking about the west side? No, Cookie. I swear it. I'm scared of you.

You monster! That's good. No. Let it out. That's it. Let it out. Send me to Maude. That's it. Here I come, baby. Oh, yeah! Bart, honey, I think you should go play with Rod and Todd.

Okay, folks, this is your pilot speaking. If you'll look to the left side of the aircraft, you'll see Homer and Marge "Sampson," who are celebrating with us today their 11th air-niversary. So hang on, while we dip our wings... to this happy couple.

a Peruvian fighting frog. Hey, I brought a Peruvian fighting frog. When will they stop? Come nightfall.

Inanimate, huh? I'll show him inanimate!

Yes. I love Lisa Simpson, and when I grow up, I'm going to marry her! NO-O-O-o! Now, you listen to me! I don't like you! I never liked you!

By hiring me as your lawyer, you also get this smoking monkey. Better cut down there, Smokey.

Yea! I'm glad I'm back... because the moment that sweet, sweet beer hit my tongue, I was born again! Hallelujah! Now I can show all of you what I've come to realize. The reason we're not allowed in the forbidden barn...

Yeah. Lisa's a Grade A moron. When I grow up, I'm going to Bovine University.

You have enough blanket? Well, I could use a little more. And sometimes, I want a little time to myself and I expect you... Mom... I think I speak for everyone in this bed when I say you have nothing to worry about. Now, let's just try and get a little shut-eye.

Why, oh, why Delilah It's 11 K-BBL degrees below zero. I hope you're someplace warm. You bet your sweet... ass!

And this is Patty trying to plug her razor into those ungodly Czechoslovakian outlets. As you can see, we never got the hang of it. Ay, caramba! As I stared at that hairy drumstick I knew I needed a drink. Patty, Selma, would you excuse me for a moment?

Sears Catalog. Now would you unhook this already, please? I don't deserve this kind of shabby treatment. Grampa, I found your cigar box dug up in the backyard, but the gun wasn't there.

Oh, I can't take it anymore! All right. I'll only be gone for a second. Hey! Frontsies. Backsies. I'm with them. V.I.P. coming through. Very important person. Give me frontsies.

its absence from the forest will cause mudslides and flooding! ALL: Yay! Cool, a toy store! Awesome! I'm blasting all the state capitals! Oh, take that, Salem, Oregon! Wait a minute. This game is educational!

I hear breathing, but I don't hear talking. What's going on? Hello? Mister? Some people got nothing to do but call and hang up. There's all kinds of mishagoyim. Our next caller is a Springfield boy. My name is Dmitri. I'm a first-time caller, long-time listener.

Ladies and gentlemen, Capital City's newest sensation, Dancin' Homer ! Hmm. These do taste better at the ball park. Uh-oh.

There! Is that what you want, you smarmy little bastards? We want the truth! You want the truth? You can't handle the truth! No truth-handler, you! Bah! I deride your truth-handling abilities! Will you get to the point? Yes!

Now let's see. What else can we do? We cant tickle Elmo no more. Coochie, coochie coo! - No means no for Eimoi - Ow!

so I called my friend, Sting. He said, "When do you need me?" I said, "Thursday." He said, "I'm busy." I said, "Friday?" He said, "Friday's worse." Then he said, "How about Saturday?" I said, "Fine." True story.

Becky, I want to apologize to-- Usurper!

Valencia? These are juice oranges.

To Lisa: Never forget your daddy loves-- D'oh!

Good Lord! That's a 900 number. Let's see what's in the newspaper today. Hmm. Canada stalls on trade pact.

Dad, you're bleeding!

QUIMBY: You stupid hicks! Why didn't you tell me you hated classical music? We didn't have time. The concert hall was designed and built so quickly. We're broke, but I have a plan. We change the name of the town to escape our creditors. I need names, people!

Literacy programs, preserving our beloved covered bridges, world domination. World domination? Oh, that might be a typo. Mental note: The girl knows too much. Mr. Simpson, how do you respond to the charge... that petty vandalism such as graffiti is down 80%,

Hmm. Let's see here. "X-rated Girls"-- Already book marked. "Dial 'X' for Sex." "Mr. X." Hmm. Shall I cross the final frontier?

I think the survivors would envy the dead.

Don't forget to say, "I didn't do it." Dad, there's more to me than just a catchphrase. How do you figure, boy?

All rise for the Honorable Judge Constance Harm.

Now, let's discuss the, um, "mo-tive."

Here's another one. "Knock knock." "Who's there?" "juliet." "juliet who?" Juliet so much pasta fazool, Romeo doesn't want her anymore! Whoa, tough crowd. They're booing Shakespeare!

(SHIP'S HORN BLASTING) Well, kids, this is the first chapter of our brand new lives in America. Name? Simpson. From now on, you're the Simps. That'll save time. Now kids, it'll take us a while to assimilate. I'll start out as a cop, and with time, become a dirty cop.

"Look in the 'tunk.'" He must mean "trunk."

Please lift this restraining order, Judge Harm. It's poking our family apart.

They couldn't take one lousy famine.

No. The world needs laughter. Are we gonna die, son? Yeah. But at least we'll take a lot of innocent people with us. Homer? Homer? Y'ello? Homer, there's a man here who thinks he can help you. Batman? No, he's a scientist.

Oh, save me, Jebus!

Mmm, quite a promotion. I was wondering what became of him. What happened to President Muntu? I don't want to talk about it. He got overthrown! Now he's just a stinkin' flight attendant.

Grampa, Matlock's not real. Neither are my teeth, but I can still eat corn on the cob, if someone cuts it off and smushes it into a fine paste. Now that's good eatin'!

Now over the years, a newsman learns a number of things... that for one reason or another he just cannot report. It doesn't seem to matter now. So the following people are gay. - Turn it off. - just a second.

I guess there's nothing left but to kiss my sorry ass good-bye. May I, sir? Ughh.

Give those glasses to the bailiff. All right. - And those. - Oh!

I have soiled myself. How embarrassing.

- Bart! You can hear us? - Oh, yeah. From my room, I can hear everything. Me too. The walls are paper-thin. Hi. And it wouldnt hurt ya to put up some curtains.

This is your video confessional. You come in here to express your deepest feelings and darkest secrets. My hair isnt really blue. I need that tape!

Merry Christmas, Simpsons! That's not as fun as it looks. Nothing could be as fun as that looks. Hey, look what i got, Bart! A Tickle Me Krusty! Hey, kid, get your finger out of there. - Ow! - Homer!

Thanks, Mom. I wish God were alive to see this. w' They wouid not //steny w' They're not listening stillp w' Perhaps they never wills

I'm not fat! (GRUNTING) (STRAINING)

Homer Simpson, for your continuing... and baffling desecration of our beloved sacred parchment, you are hereby banished from the Stonecutters forever. And as a final humiliation, you must walk home naked, dragging behind you the Stone of Shame.

You think your dirty socks can stop me? Well, they are making me dizzy.

Come on, Angry Dad.

So, Bart, how are you feeling? Can't complain. Well, then, you're ready for your makeup test. My ovaries! Suckers. Have you ever read "The Boy Who Cried Wolf"? I glanced at it.

I have feelings! I'm a human boy, just like you! Shh. Use your indoor voice.

From Springfield? He's from Springfield! Get him!

we've been having fun all summer long

And there's enough for everyone. Sweet! It's like a hootenanny in my mouth! We're saved! It's a miracle! Hooray for Connie Bufflekill! What? So now we're not eating Homer?

Man, these are primo seats. I could really go for a hot dog. Homer, this is an operation! Hot dogs! Get your hot dogs here! Whoo-hoo!

(REPEATING) D'oh! Woo-hoo! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh... Woo-hoo! D'oh! D'oh... Woo-hoo! And the winner is 17!

¡AY! No es bueno.

My asthma's gone! Listen to me breathe. From that moment on, my life as I knew it was over.

One day, my lady Selma's gonna have a star right next to mine, so watch out, Laszlo Panaflex.

D'oh! Homer, you didn't do... a very good job frosting Maggie's birthday cake. What? It's not "Magaggie's" birthday? Oh. Hey! Hey! Hey! Stop it! I made a special cake for you to ruin. It's over there. Ooh.

You're just the dog that keeps on giving, aren't ya? And Zebra Girl, Zillionaire and Zoidzilla. And will there be any more splurging today? Oh, my, yes! Hmm. I'll take that hardbound Radioactive Man collection. Ah, a superb choice!

Yes. Really? Yes. Yes. But what if I were to shake your hand in this wise? I didn't realize you were a member.

Welcome, brothers of local 643. As you know, our president, Chucky Fitzhugh, ain't been seen lately.

And chronic nagging, nagging, nagging, nagging, nagg--

He was then transferred to a better hospital, where doctors upgraded his condition to alive. Now let's talk to Police Chief Wiggum.

He'll show. How's that? It's his job. - How's that? - He's a burglar. Well, Mr. Cat Burglar.

Mmm. Mmm. Boy, when God closes a door, he opens a window. (GIGGLES)

Here is the dome back with the bass the Jam is live in effect and I don't waste time on the Mike With A dope rhyme jump to the rhythm jump, jump to the rhythm, jump and I'm here to combine beatS and lyrics to make you shake your pants, take A chance come on and dance guys, grab A girl don't wait, make her twirl it's your world and I'm just A squirrel

They live in fancy houses in other places. "Families Come First" is supported by life-long Springfieldians you know and trust. Like me, Milhouse's dad, Bumblebee Man, Surly Duff, and that jerk that goes, "Yes!"

Milhouse, know any "knock, knock" jokes? I want to go home. Homer, maybe you better take Milhouse home. Gladly.

(HUMMING) Nice posture. Oh, thank you. Mother always said a curvy spine is the devil's roller coaster. Hey! You can't have that! (SCREAMS) Lost your spine, huh? You just keep finding new ways to disappoint me.

It's unconscionably fiendish. I will not suffer your insubordination. There's been a shocking decline in the quality and quantity of your toadying, Waylon, and you will fall into line now! No. No, Monty, I won't. Not until you step back from the brink of insanity.

Bart, I'm scared. Let's get outta here. Shut up. Where do you want it, Skinner? Not smart. Cool! Hey, When do we get the check for this?

(TELEPHONE RINGING) Hi, Janey.

We should continue this conversation later, during a designated break period. Sincerely, Homer Simpson. Can you believe that guy? He's in his office making a pathetic attempt to look professional. Hey, what do you got against Homer anyway? Are you kidding?

Aah ! Put 'em up. Oh ! Boy, you sure taught me a lesson.

Hey, Ganesha, want a peanut? Please do not offer my god a peanut. No offense, Apu, but when they were handing out religions, you must've been out taking a whiz. Mr. Simpson, please pay for your purchases and get out and come again.

At least I'd like to. You probably should have researched this first, eh, Dad? What about you? Well, sir, I step in front of cars and sue the drivers. I beg celebrities for money. I'm a prison snitch. jug band manager. My legs hurt.

Let's just say the country air did us good. Whoo! Bart, I told you not to leave that TV on. Whoa-oh!

Husband and wife, I pronounce you now. Hmm?

No thanks to the plane, many of us are still alive. We certainly are. Pass me another hunk of copilot. Dad, Mom's getting worse. You have to take her to see a real psychiatrist. Look how tense she is.

On the other hand, who's to say what's right these days, what with all our modern ideas... and products?

Hi. I'm Phoney McRingring, mascot and president of the telephone company. I'm here to explain why the convenience of one area code in... Your town. has been replaced by the convenience of two area codes.

Last year, it was free. Mmm. New ownership. B-- But we don't have that kind of money.

Oh, for the love of God! Somebody get the jaws of life!

If I were her, I'd be buying me a great big chocolate apology cake.

No sports, no rock no information For mindless chatter we're your station KBBL talk radio. And now, Springfield's favorite conservative... and author of the well-selling book, Only Turkeys Have Left Wings, ladies and gentlemen, Birch Barlow.

Uh, giant eye, dead fish, cat head, cat head, cat head, guy doing this-- What? What the-- Keep that plague coming, Moses. Frogs away! We spent all our money, but it was worth it. Now he's gotta let us go!

Bart, could you go get the cupcakes? Cupcakes! Cupcakes! Yes. Sweet cakes for all.

It's the beating of that hideous heart!

Oh, Son, I'm glad to see ya! I went for the morning paper and I got lost! No time for you, old man.

Hey. You seen Apu lately? He looks terrible. Yeah. Rumor has it Marge threw him out. Aw, tough break. She's a beautiful lady. You got that straight, Barn. To Marge!

Homie, maybe we should go inside. But, Marge, that little guy hasn't done anything yet. Look at him. He's gonna do something, and you know it's gonna be good.

A Buddha statue? We cannot leave it outside. It is bad feng shui. Feng shui? I thought that was just a trick to sell crappy end tables to the West. Just put this hook in his nostril and pull. (SCREAMING)

At the risk of losing my voice, let me just say one more thing: I'm sorry I came. When is that boy going to apologize ? He sure is stubborn.

- I'll kill you! - (GAGGING)

Hee-hee-hee. Kids, say no to drugs!

The computer says the movie Chocolate Star Wars doesn't exist.

Not anymore. We should get together sometime. That'd be great. There. Now we trust each other. Well, how are you? Near death! I renew my notary license on a weekly basis. So what's my stock up to? Let me punch that up on the computer. Uh... 25¢ a share. What should I do?

If it doesn't fit, you must acquit. Therefore, I shall resign the presidency. That's one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind.

Hey. It's Gary Coleman. But the menu said "galaxy of prawns." Three prawns are hardly a galaxy. What do you mean your hands are tied? Let me talk to Mr. Quan. I want to see how this turns out. The phone's not even plugged in. All right. You listen to me, Quan. Hang on. I got another call.

Boy, I think I see my two favorite letters of the alphabet, E-Z.

The unmistakable fragrance of eel pie. Hey, lots of people like eel pie! Yeah? Well, how many of them have mutton chops? And why can't you be more like Eddie? He never says a word against me. Well, that's because you cut out his tongue. (MUMBLES) He's right, Chief.

I feel a swoon coming on. (GASPS) Here it is. I am so wasted. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. We're having a simultaneous pass out!

Hey, that smells like regular. She needs premium, dude! Premium, dude!

But in Brazil, they speak Portuguese.

Get your hands off me! God, I could really use a half day. Think you're big men with your handcuffs and blasted Tasers! Get him out of here. I'll get you, Bart Simpson, if it's the last thing I do! What is this all about? It's quite simple, really.

Homer, where did you get that? - Get what? - That giant doughnut. Well, I acquired it legally. You can be sure of that. Dude, you're huge!

Come in? Come in! Mayday! I'm losing your transmission! I said, "French fries!" What the-- Do we sell French... fries?

Kent, I want everyone in your radio picture audience to know that this woman is a menace to decent people and germ warriors everywhere! End communication. (GAVEL SLAMMING) Now, Lisa, would you agree that your grandmother is a sweet, harmless woman who could hardly be considered a menace to society?

Honorary Grand Marshal Richard Nixon... goes after another deadly hiss. Oh! I-is Whacking Day over? Thank you. Thanks for coming out. It's all so barbaric.

And then when he's lying out on the ground-- Yeah? Kick him in the ribs. Yeah? Step on his neck. Yeah? And run like hell.

Dad, how can you work for a man like Mr. Burns? Well, he's not all bad. He did send me this nice thank-you card. Marge, Bart, Lisa and Maggie. Dad, this doesn't have your name on it. Kids, would you step outside for a second? F--

not even God himself can stop them. Oh, no?

Open up! Open up! I got to go, and no fooling. Hey, Pop-N-Fresh! You're supposed to giggle. Gyyaaagh!!

Huh? Whoo-hoo! Pedal to the metal! My baby! Your baby!

Princess Kashmir ? You must mean April Flower. She's working over at the Girlesque. See, I'm trying to teach my son here about treating women as objects. Oh, that's a good idea. Uh, but April's over at Foxy Boxing tonight.

Check it out! Dribble glass, rubber knife, whoopee salad! (FARTING) (CHUCKLES) And finally the breakaway wine bottle... Did not arrive. (MOANING) My theme is "If Music be the Food of Love."

It's just not the same. I've seen The itchy and Scratchy Movie 13 times. I've seen it 17 times. You guys must be getting pretty tired of that movie by now.

You know what will cool this place down? A little touch of winter. Dad, no! We're trying to conserve energy.

Really? You think I'm gorgeous? Yeah, well, the part that's showing. I guess you could have a lot of weird scars or a fake ass or something. You don't talk to a lot of women, do you?

Why don't you get one of those hands-free phones? It's the next best thing to paying attention to the road. Hands-free, eh? Then I could give the brothers the black power salute. Black power! Black power! Was that Al Roker? His exuberance is perplexing.

- Everybody okay? - Uh, yeah. Yeah. I'm fine. Thanks. I actually feel better.

Mmm, fish. Oh, no! That's me! Get me out of here! Get-- Get-- Get out-- Just a minute! Oh, God, no!

Of course we have headsets, but you would be mad to stop there. Tell me, what is currently plugged... into your car's cigarette lighter? Uh, a lighter. I weep for you. These days, everything from fax machines to coffee makers... can be plugged into your dash hole. I'll take 'em.

Thanks, Flanders. I have to agree that everything certainly-- Huh? Bart! No! What? Sorry. Force of habit. Lisa! No! Uhh! Ohh!

Let's get out of here!

Question. Yes, Nelson. A moron says what? Not being a moron, I wouldn't know. However-- What? Ladies and gentlemen, I give you your moron. Ha-ha!

Can you dig it? Mmm. Uh-- Wow. Look at him go. You're the real Lord of the Dance, Homer.

I repeat. We are sold out of Bort licence plates. I really wish they wouldn't scream. Dad? I kicked one of those stupid Itchy characters in the butt. Yeah, there's just no way to resist it, is there?

Now hold on, Comic Book Guy. This boy's still finding his voice. So you're saying I should keep trying? Absolutely. And if you fail, you can always open a comic book store. Stan Lee insulted me. But in Bizarro World that means he likes me.

I'd sell my soul for a Formula One racing car. That can be arranged. Changed my mind. Sorry. - Cool. - Bart, stop pestering Satan!

Hey, maybe there is no cabin. - Maybe it's one of them, uh, metaphorical things. - Oh, yeah, yeah. Like, maybe the cabin is the place inside each of us... created by our goodwill and teamwork. Oh! Nah. They said there'd be sandwiches.

Crush! Kill! Destroy! Tonight on Smartline, the power plant strike-- argle-bargle or foofaraw? With us tonight are plant owner C.M. Burns, union kingpin Homer Simpson... and talk show mainstay Dr. Joyce Brothers. I brought my own mike! Yes. Well.

All right, Homer, you can have the dental plan... on one condition-- you must resign as head of the union. Whoo-hoo! Smithers, I'm beginning to think that Homer Simpson... was not the brilliant tactician I thought he was.

I know. I'll go to my room and think about what I did. Oh, no, your room is full of toys. You're going to the, uh, garage. You're the boss. I tell you, Chief. I just don't know what we're going to do with him. You know, you do have options. For example, there are behavior-modifying drugs.

Finally I got a second chance on Laugh-In. Hey, Krusty. What do you get when you cross a chicken with a bagel? The ferkachted doors are stuck! Don't just stare, Arte. Help me! Those lousy shutters set me back another 22 years.

Aw, hell! Well, what about Dracula? Homer, I'm really touched you invited me out on the town. You're gonna be a four-star brother-in-law. Troy, buddy, I got to know. What's a great guy like you want to marry a guy like Selma?

How the mighty have fallen. Into my price range. I want to go there. - Dad, we are there. - Whoo-hoo!

7:00 a.m., no earlier. And you can't set your alarm clocks, 'cause I've got 'em. For once, we're gonna celebrate Christmas as a family. Hello? Anybody home?

Mm-hmm. Now, while the plant is brought up to code, there will be massive layoffs. That is to say, total layoffs. Toodles! Hmm. Way to put us out of work, genius.

Show me the message!" No, that stinks. Let me try one. "This is Geraldine, and the devil made me miss your call, "so here come the beep. Here come the beep!" "Do the message!" So long. I'm gonna sleep over at Ralph's.

that weren't good enough for the fall schedule? You're thinking of all the other years. This year's shows are classics. There's The Laughter Family. That's animated. Networks like animation 'cause they don't have to pay the actors squat! Plus they can replace them, and no one can tell the diddly-ifference. And now mid-season kicks off with Admiral Baby.

Uh, excuse me. No banging your head on the display case, please. It contains a very rare Mary Worth... in which she has advised a friend to commit suicide, thank you.

You owe me a quarter. I didn't crack my skull. Rats. Ach! Me pile! It's been raped of its "bonny-ness." Hi, Willie. My board! It's Willie's board now. And she'll make a fine piece of kindlin'.

Hmm? Hey, you! Where'd you get that saxophone? Sears. Get him! I got him! I got him!

F-- Dear Lord! That's the loudest profanity I've ever heard.

Mom, what if there's a really bad, crummy guy... who's going to jail, but I know he's innocent. Well, Bart, your Uncle Arthur used to have a saying, "Shoot 'em all, and let God sort 'em out." Unfortunately, one day he put his theory into practice. It took 75 federal marshals to bring him down. Now, let's never speak of him again.

Can't you stay in the Whack-A-Mole game? Nah. Fantastic Dan lives there. Did you call me, Spud? Look at 'em, Bart. If a carny can wind up homeless, it can happen to anyone.

Ooh, look at them, Smithers-- goldbrickers, layabouts, slugabeds. Little do they realize... their days of suckling at my teat are numbered. Oh, in the meantime, sir, may I suggest a random firing... just to throw the fear of God into them?

I can't be held responsible for what my goons were ordered to do! Perhaps there's a non-violent way to silence this girl? Non-violence never solved anything. Fine, curtsy boy. I'll try it your way.

Look, guys. I got a Springfield spoon for my spoon collection. Oh, here we go. How many spoons have you got now, Adam? Nine. If I didn't have my spoons, I'd go insane. Can I see it? My spoon! Ow! Wankers.

We'll have to lighten the ship, which means one of us has to stay behind. Bart? Lisa? Fine. Me. MARGE: Don't worry! We'll be fine! I'm saying goodbye to everything I ever loved. Ooh. A marshmallow! Mmm. Mmm. Boy, when God closes a door, he opens a window.

Looks like we're in trouble, Fallout Boy. Jiminy jillickers, Radioactive Man! We'll have to fight our way out. Are you ready? Yes. Seamless, huh? You're fired. And with good cause.

Oh, they got this all screwed up. So you don't work on a contingency basis? No, money down! Oops. I shouldn't have this Bar Association logo here either.

Hubba, hubba! Hey, nobody's prettier than my little girl.

You wrecked Hitler's car. What did he ever do to you?

It turns out the rest home was adequately heated. The footage you saw was of a fur-storage facility. We've also been told to apologize for using the term "geezers." Now, coming up next, "The Case of the Cantankerous Old Geezer." Ohh! Urp!

Attention, students. It's time once again to choose a gym class for the coming term. So let's all prove how adult we can be... by filing to the gym in a calm and orderly manner. Even though it's first come, first serve, and the most popular sports fill up fast. Too many wee ones!

Oh, yeah. Beer busts, beer blasts, keggers, stein hoists, A.A. meetings, beer night--

- Hi. - I have soy milk. The doctor says the real kind could kill me.

Scalping tickets to the Super Bowl. Have you no shame, sir? I should give you a royal caning.

Twelve glasses of water. That will wake me up nice and early. And I'll have a big head start on opening presents. Pure genius. You didn't invent that, Bart.

Do it, do it do it, do it She'll never know Ahh! Hmm. Well, it won't bring much cash, but its sentimental value's through the roof.

Now, at the risk of being unpopular, this reporter places the blame for all this squarely on you, the viewers.

I start you jiggling and measure how long it takes to stop. Whoo-hoo! Look at that blubber fly! Yes. Nurse, cancel my 1:00.

Marge, you can't go out on Saturday. That's our special night. What's so special about it? What's so-- Oh, I don't know. A little show called Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman?

Whoever has that stamp on his hand is insane.

You glorified night watchman let her go! But she broke the law. Thanks for the civics lesson. If Marge Simpson goes to jail I can kiss the chick vote good-bye and if I go down, you're breaking my fall! Quimby, don't write checks your butt can't cash. Hear me, Wiggum, you bite me, I'll bite back.

What the hell was I thinking? I tried the broccoli again. You have 23 hours left.

Five! Four! Three! Two! Don't open your mouth. One!

Oh, please. I saw Paul Lynde do that same hackneyed trick on Bewitched. Try to explode this out of my belly. That's not a cookie. That's a time-release blood pack. You, sir, are a perfect patsy. Let me shake your hand.

(LAUGHS) Flanders kill me?

Dos huevos, por favor. ¡AY! Oh, que lÁstima. I gotta steal that bit.

Care to join me in a belt of scotch? It's 9:30 in the morning. Yeah, but I haven't slept in days.

He's like a riddle wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a vest. Sure is ugly though.

Hi, Lurleen. We were just talking about you. I think I can come over. Let me ask my wife. It's a date. Oh, Homer. Everybody's been calling--

Why did you dig up the bones of the past? Why did you disturb the ghosts of history?

Here you go, Your Majesty. Next on Eye on Springfield a toast to Moe, wizard of Walnut Street.

What the-- Zeppelin rules!

Gabba gabba hey.

My favorite section is "How to Increase Your Word Power." That thing is really, really, really... good.

We are going to approve the bill to evacuate the town of Springfield... - in the great state of-- - Wait a second. I want to tack on a rider to that bill. Thirty million dollars of taxpayer money to support the perverted arts.

Now, today's Christian doesn't think he needs God. He thinks he's got it made. He's got his hi-fi, his boob tube... and his instant pizza pie. Ooh, pizza !

Greetings, fellow geode-ologist. I'll be right back!

- (YELLING) - (LAUGHING) You wet your pants!

You want the 25 cents? Keep singing! Buffalo gals, won't you come out tonight come out tonight come out tonight Who's that old rummy? Before his dog got sick that old rummy used to be my best customer. ...Of the moon

Daddy, I had the craziest dream. Ralphie, you're still in it. Whee!

Mom, there's a weird smell and a lot of cursing... coming from the basement, and Dad's upstairs. Oh, it's just Bart and a mysterious stranger. He's not a regular bum, Mom. He's a genius bum.

On the cover of some mag

Leo, slow down! That looks like a nice place to eat. Carla's daughter works in that building. You know, it's kind of ironic. These old people are being kept alive... by the organs of the young people they ran over. - Makes you think, huh, Chief? - Not really.

I got a report on a domestic disturbance at this address. Yes, indeed there is. There's an inflatable bath pillow that Mother and I both enjoy. She claimed it was her day to use it. I maintained she was mistaken. We quarreled.

Donuts. Is there anything they can't do? - Dad, you're a hero. - Yes, son. I'm the best mono-thingy guy there ever was. Well, my work is done here. What do you mean, your work is done? You didn't do anything.

I said do it! Hello, jerry? Homer Simpson. Remember last month when I paid back that loan? Well, now I need you to do a favor for me. A left-handed corkscrew? Oh, baby. "Kiss me-- I'm left-handed?"

If you are being murdered or are calling from a rotary phone, please stay on the line. You have selected regicide. If you know the name of the king or queen being murdered, press one.

First, do you have any bad habits? No, I'm practically perfect in every way. Well, so am I.

Oh. You mean like the time Barney beat up George Bush? Barney? That was me! And I'd do it again. Why stop there, Homer? My militia has a secret plan... to beat up all sorts of government officials. That'll teach 'em to drag their feet on high definition TV! - You're under arrest for conspiracy! - Oh! Oh!

Can't talk. Comin' down. How do you do it, Homer? You take an ordinary bedsheet, fold it around like this-- No. I mean raising kids. I just couldn't cut it today. All I wanted was a little version of me...

I'm feeling free

the Jam is live in effect and I don't waste time on the Mike With A dope rhyme jump to the rhythm jump, jump to the rhythm, jump and I'm here to combine beatS and lyrics to make you shake your pants, take A chance come on and dance guys, grab A girl don't wait, make her twirl it's your world and I'm just A squirrel trying to get A nut to move your butt to the dance floor

I know. T'oodley doodley. Kids can be a trial sometimes. All right, knock it off ! Knock what off, Simpson ? You've been rubbing my nose in it since I got here ! Your family is better than my family ! Your beer comes from farther away than my beer ! You and your son like each other ! Your wife's butt is higher than my wife's butt !

(IN SPOOKY TONE) Jasper, your time has come! Where's the regular guy? Where's Doug? Never mind. I'm Death now. (EXCLAIMS IN DISAPPOINTMENT) I liked Doug.

Well, it's too late to merely pay back the money.

That is one bitchin' bike. Daddy said a cuss word! Lighten up, Roddy.

Bad baby! Oh. She's entering the terrible twos, all right. It's probably nothing, but we just wanted to be sure.

Aah ! Uh-oh. I, uh-- I think the boy's hurt. Oh, for crying out loud ! just give him a nickel and let's get going.

What’s your favorite cigar size? Is it robusto? Is it?

And lift. And strain. And hyperextend. Keep those knees rigid. jerk that lower back. Homer, I'm-- I'm feeling some sharp pains in my neck. That' right, force it. Whip that neck. Um, does anybody know where this came from?

Hmm. Well, you can't argue with results. Oh, baby. Oh, don't worry. You'll be sleeping in this beautiful new doghouse. Target date: January 2007.

You already sang that part.

Really. I mean that. Sorry if it sounded sarcastic. More friends! More allies! More, I say! Hang those who talk of less! There's a few inches over here, ho!

We're on the freeway! Would you look at those Simpson kids? Last year it was Razor scooters, this year they're driving RVs. When I was a kid, my mom would give me an empty egg carton and I'd pretend it was a spaceship to the moon. You'll never guess what I used for astronauts.

Oh, dear. It would be a shame if that pretty dress got wet. I'd say the greater danger is her scepter acting as a lightning rod. Unless it's made out of plastic. Nope. Metal. Ladies and gentlemen, Little Miss Springfield has been struck by lightning.

I wanted a peanut. Twenty dollars can buy many peanuts. Explain how. Money can be exchanged for goods and services. Whoo-hoo! Whoa!

Dead man walkin' on the green mile. Give me your hands, boss. I'll kill you! I killed them other people. I'm gonna kill you too!

Bye-bye! Sayonara, dudes.

What the hell is this? It's classic mirth-making, is what it is.

D'oh! Son of a-- You stupid stair! Uh! Ooh! How long have we had these fish? Wait. The bear-- Burns's bear.

Attention, Springfield. We have barricaded ourselves in the school... and are not coming down until our demands are met. Willie hears ya. Willie don't care. Obviously, you two have no experience causing a scene.

Oh, hi. I'm Troy McClure. You might remember me from such self-help videos as... Smoke Yourself Thin and Get Confident, Stupid. Well, now I'm here to tell you about the only real path to mental health. That's right. It's the Brad Goodman... something or other.

MMm, lawyers, lawyers, lawyers-- Ooh, Lionel Hutz! "Cases won in 30 minutes or your Pizza's free." Hmm.

Booger. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Wait a minute. These aren't exciting new products. You're not even trying. Okay, that's it. Both of you go to your rooms and spank yourselves. Lazy father. Can't even spank his own kids.

You fool! Look what you've done!

Krusty the Klown, whose delightful program brings us the antics of itchy and Scratchy; Hi, Kent. and, joining us live via satellite from Vienna,

O Lord, guide this cinder block. Homer, no! Uh-oh. My house! Hey, how you doin'?

You monster! How could you do that to the children? Those wacky gangsters. What are you gonna do? And to think I respected you... and defended you. You wouldn't even be alive if it wasn't for me!

Mom? Lisa, the contest isn't for three hours. I'm too excited to sleep. Anyone up for the Winifred Beecher Howe Memorial? - Who's that? - An early crusader for women's rights.

No. But try to look surprised. I thought you said you'd tell me about my true love. Oh, you'll have a true love. But I specialize in foretelling the relationships where you get jerked around.

Isn't this that cartoon that causes seizures? Bart, what are you doing? Hey, what the-- Hmm. All right.

Look. There it is. Oh, Homie. Homie, I'm so sorry I doubted you. I bring you love.

Oh, you speak so politely to adults. My upbringing was painfully strict, ma'am. That's sweet. And, finally, Moe's Tavern has contributed a coupon... as their way of saying "Welcome to Springfield." Thank you. This is all so nice. I actually had some doubts about moving to Springfield,

Well, what do you, uh, people like? Sleep! Sexy dames and plenty of 'em! Matlock! Yeah! Well, uh, I suppose I could name it the, uh, Matlock Expressway.

Let's just practice a bit, hmm? When I say, "Hello, Mr. Thompson," you'll say, "Hi." - Check. - Hello, Mr. Thompson. Remember now-- your name is Homer Thompson. I gotcha. Hello, Mr. Thompson.

Whack! Ooh. Excuse me. Whack, whack, whack! Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Yeah, we need two cups of coffee, and two orders of bite-sized breakfast pancakes, with extra dipping sauce. Please pull up to the service window, please. The wagon's too tall. Oh, I don't wanna have to get out. I'll just drive up on the curb. Blughh.

You saved us, Homer. Mr. Moe? Prepare to surface.

Whoops, my finger slipped. Whoops, my finger slipped. Whoops, my finger slipped. Bart! Stop it!

- Are you guys working? - Yes, sir, Mr. Simpson. Could you, um, work any harder than this? Sure thing, boss. Hey, call me Homer.

We'll be back with a sketch set in the craziest place! A restaurant! And roll commercial. Krusty, yeah, quick thought about this restaurant set. Huh? Could it look more like a diner?

Stop it, Apu. You're scaring me. Aah! Aah! What's going on? Help! I'm being kidnapped!

Time to show them the new me. No one's happier and more well-adjusted than a stand-up comedian.

MMm, lawyers, lawyers, lawyers-- Ooh, Lionel Hutz! "Cases won in 30 minutes or your Pizza's free." Hmm. I'd sell my soul for a Formula One racing car. That can be arranged. Changed my mind. Sorry.

Leave me alone! Ow! Look at me. I'm Angry Dad! Ow! Ow!

Big Daddy, would y'all mind passin' a lil' ol' biscuit?

Goo-goo-ga-joob? Ha-ha! Ha-ha!

along the hypothetical "Z" axis there. This forms... a three-dimensional object known as a cube, or a "Frinkahedron," in honor of its discoverer. Help me! Are you helping me? Or are you going on and on? Oh, right. And, of course, within we find the doomed individual.

My friend and I have a bet. Are you Mary Tyler Moore? Ooh! Wow! It really is you.

Since Christmas is coming soon, I thought we could talk about our favorite toys. Milhouse, what have you got there?

Here you go-- your rubber training knife. You've attained the rank of Pussy Willow. Rubber knife? This place is for wimps. Okay, kids. Now I'm gonna teach ya how to trap wild animals. - But this should only be used in a life-or-death situation. - Hmm.

Mmm. He knows just how I like my martinis. Full of alcohol. Go, go, go! Now's your chance! (CHUCKLES) Bart, all that button ever did was send a mild electric shock up my backside.

Now to check on the free-range children.

Oh. Sorry I'm late. There was trouble at the lab with the running and the exploding and the crying.

Ned Flanders is on the phone. Oh, if this is about that stupid quarter again, I... Hello, Ned. Sorry to bother you, Reverend Lovejoy. Our son Todd just told us he didn't want to eat his damn vegetables. You know kids and vegetables.

It feasts on bird eggs and lays its own eggs in the nest. The unsuspecting mother bird cares for them until the babies hatch... and... devour her too. What a chump! It's already wiped out the dodo, the cuckoo and the ne-ne, and it has nasty plans for the booby, the titmouse, the woodcock and the titpecker. How vile.

Well, I'm sorry to disappoint you gentlemen, but you seem to have me confused with a character in a fictional show. Now, if you'll excuse me, my fondue is just about-- D'oh! There goes Albany! Uh-oh, SpaghettiOs! Oh, man.

I think he should have to take a different oath. Everyone takes the same oath.

Hey, hey! I've been in Reno for six weeks. Did I miss anything?

Wait! He can't kill anybody if he doesn't know which one's the real Krusty!

Make us proud, Son. Never forget who you are.

Chaka Khan, let me rock you Let me rock you, Chaka Khan Chaka Khan, Chaka Khan Chaka Khan Whisk the egg whites into the batter mixture... while scraping the edges with a very stiff rubber spatula. Now let's look in on our hush puppies.

Moving on to new business. What act of unmitigated evil... shall the Republican party undertake this week? Ooh! Ooh, ooh, ooh! You've already done enough, Nader. Let's get rid of PBS! Those lousy Muppets have been taking food out of my mouth for too long. Hmph! I say we crack down on the hippies. Bleh!

Wait a minute ! You did it ! Excuse me ? Attention, fellow children ! Krusty didn't rob that store ! Sideshow Bob framed him, and I got proof ! Ow ! My foot ! You lousy, stupid, clumsy-- See that ? Krusty wore big floppy shoes,

My mind is made up. I'm not coming back, and that's final. Oh, Seymour. And I'm not Seymour. My name is Armin. This is Armin's apartment, Armin's liquor, Armin's copy of Swank, Armin's frozen peas.

- Maude ? - Oh, sure. Not those peanuts. The ones at the bottom. Oh, okay. Ahhh !

And every night the monkey butlers will regale us with jungle stories.

Mm, yes, Colonel. Now, I understand it'll be my duty... to mold the new recruits into a well-disciplined, highly trained infantry unit. Sure, I guess. Here they come. Hi. Where do I get my grenades at? Uh, they don't have them group toilets here no more, do they?

Holy smokes! You need booze.

Never! (SCREAMING) - Beat the lumps. - BART: Hey! Beat the lumps. Beat the lumps. BART: Ay, caramba! Homie, I disagree with your approach to the children. (GRUNTING) (GUNSHOT) (HOMER SCREAMS) (MARGE COCKS GUN) - (GUNSHOT) HOMER: D'oh!

How is your lovely wife? She was run over by a clergyman.

Uh-- A pony ? Oh, Lisa, you've asked for that for the last three years, and I keep telling you Santa can't fit a pony into his sleigh.

Marge, can you come in here? We need to talk. Ooh. Surprise! Surprise.

They're both losers. Losers! Rip-off! We paid for blood! Let's tear this place apart! Good idea!

girls just wanna have fun that's all we really want Homer! Homer is what grown-ups call me. Call me Daddy. Homer. Daddy. Homer. Daddy. Da-- Da-- Da--

Boi-oi-oi-oingggg!

Hello? Oh, hello, Principal Skinner. No. Bart has never been to Hong Kong. Good night. Hello? Tennessee State Police? No, my son's car was not crushed in Knoxville.

You know, Lisa, music helps Daddy think.

- Oh, I hope I didn't miss the floor show. - Nope. - Is Roxanne back? - Yep. - Did she, uh, get my flowers? - She did. I-- Hello, Bart. Hello, Principal Skinner. This is the National Air and Space Museum, isn't it?

People's deaths, eh? - (BARKS) - (MEWS) Do me! Do me! (SIGHS) (GUN COCKS) (GRUNTING)

Nice hair, Mom. I thought we were making real progress.

That does it. You can never be my son. A little to the left. Huh? Oh, very well. You can never be my-- Eeeeeeee!

Sean, you wanker... He says. Repent of your wicked ways or sod off. Then he gobbed in my face and turned back into a streetlight. And that's how I came to the Church. Well, I'm only here because I got blamed for a prank I didn't do!

Bart! Have you started smoking? No. Don't lie to me, boy. Uh-huh! Cigarettes. just as I thought. My boss said his warehouse was full. Yeah, right. Son, I'm gonna teach you a lesson. I'm going to stand here and watch you smoke every one of those cigarettes.

Scorpio he'll sting you with his dreams of power and wealth beware of Scorpio his twisted twin obsessions are his plot to rule the world and his employees' health

Learning is cool! Yeah! Woo! And to make sure we get there super fast, I'm hitting all the buttons with my palm. (GRUNTS) (SIREN BLARING) (EXPLOSION) Well, that hurt like hell.

Hey, kid, that's for customers only. Uh, did you know there's a guy outside handing out free Stri-Dex pads? Wow! I'm in pizza-face paradise! Moron.

Excuse me. Can you tell me how to get to the museum? Hmm.

So are you calling Homer Simpson a liar? Well, we have obtained this footage of him with his pants on fire. Well, Homie, I believe you're telling the truth about the Isotopes. I don't mind being called a liar when I'm lying,

Wow! For free. Surplus drums of mayonnaise from Operation Desert Storm.

From now on, I'm gonna be just like Krusty and tell it like it is. Marge, you're getting a little fat around the old thighs. Dad! You too, Bart. Oh, knock it off, Homer. You're the fattest one in the car. You didn't have to tell it like it is, Marge.

You know, Fox turned into a hard-core sex channel so gradually, I didn't even notice. Yeesh!

Bravo, Number Five. But you know what happens to bad little "fishies" who wriggle through the net. Can I turn this off? Absolutely. Hey! Nice to have you back, Homer. The dog thinks so too. The dog thinks--

What did you swipe? An "I Love Lefty" glass. Left-handed pinking shears. Pinking shears? Let's go to the food court and steal some baked potatoes. Hey, Flanders, when are your busy hours?

Quick, Dad, before somebody else wins it. Ooh, almost. Rats. Too hard. Ooh, that was close. Wow. What a scam. Sorry, Son. Daddy failed. Aw, listen, fella. I got a son of my own. Here.

I hope you're going to the Valley Vista Try-N-Save, kid, 'cause you don't want to come to my store. Catfish?

Bart, get out of The Spirit of St. Louis!

Listen, missy. The last two city slickers who used reverse psychology on me... are pushin' up daisies. They're dead? No, they just got lousy jobs. You know what? I bet he can't even fit into his old costume. I can't, huh? You two wait right here.

Hey, can you keep a secret? What is it, hon? I hate disco. ts all I’ve talked about for so long that people think I'm a one-note guy. ts just getting harder, you know? I had no idea Disco Stu was so complex.

There must be $20 worth of grease on his forehead alone. I was thinking more of the deep fryer. All right. We'll try it your way. Can I help you, sir? My God, you're greasy! Mr. Maruko, help!

Rollin', rollin', rollin' Toxic barrel rollin' They're so hot and glowin'

I'm tired of looking like the world's worst mother. Oh, honey, you're not the world's worst mother. What about that freezer lady in Georgia? But what's the solution? Are we so bereft of ideas that we must revive... the antiquated notion of prohibition? Channel 6 says yes.

"How now, brown bureaucrat?"

(WHISPERS) There's gonna be a breakout tonight. Very good. Now, I'd like a little more information. Are biographies arranged by author or subject? What is Bart still doing in there? You forgot to take some brownies. Thanks, Mother Dexter! I'll be back tomorrow.

Won't this overload the motor? Marge, can you set the oven to cold?

My name is Marge Simpson, and I painted this. Maybe you'd like to know what possessed me to do it. Well, I guess I wanted to show...

"Eleazar begat Phinehas, Phinehas begat Abishua and Abishua--" "...begat Ahimaaz, Ahimaaz begat--" "And Amiriah onward, Amiriah begats Ahitub, Ahitub be--" "Shallum begat Hilkiah." "And he shall turn the heart of the fathers to the children, "and the heart of the children to their fathers,

You did it, Nibbles! Now, chew through my ball sack. Huh?

You've done a lot of crazy stuff over the years and she's stood by you. Why would she leave you now? Because there's lots of stuff she doesn't know about! You mean, like your poker shack out in the swamp? Mm-hmm. She knows. Oh, I knew this would happen. Our whole marriage started off on the wrong foot.

And now, the indestructible Lance Murdock will jump his "SuiCycle"... over an audience member--

But it takes a very special type of genius to-- All right, Bob. It's over! Come out with your hands up! No! How did they find me?

I've been a fan of the Who since the very beginning when they were the Hillbilly Bugger Boys! You should call that radio station and let 'em have it! Good idea!

and I suggest you consider him to replace me. Thank you. Well, now, I don't know. Skinner, do you know anything about being a principal? Well, it's been my lifelong ambition. And if a man pretending to be me could do it, well, then, logically, the real me must be far more qualified. Good enough.

on the pallid bust of Pallas just above my chamber door. And his eyes have all the seeming of a demon that is dreaming. And the lamplight o'er him streaming throws his shadow on the floor. And my soul from out that shadow that lies floating on the floor... shall be lifted nevermore.

(BELL RINGING) PHONIC FROG: Where is my dinner? Maggie, you're such a quick learner. Why don't you learn how to fly? But I love you. (LAUGHING EVILLY)

Cold biscuits, chicken, yellow... mailman. You're reading the wine list, sir. Very good.

Homer, are you sure this is the right way ? The road seems to have gotten awfully bumpy. What a wingding ! This is much better... than my girlfriend's birthday party ! Homer ? Bart, get out and push.

Ball is in parking lot. Would you like to play again? You have selected "no." Shh!

brownest of the brown liquors, so tempting. What's that? You want me to drink you? But I'm in the middle of a trial. Excuse me.

Not at all. Then we have much to discuss. Too much raw bacon. Come on, Bart. We can't stop spending now. There's one thing I've always wanted to do. My mom doesn't believe in fabric softener.

We've argued them down to... a booting. What? The prime minister just wants to kick you once... through the gate, with a regular shoe.

Oh, yeah. Like I'd be seen with a Discover card. You have a cell phone? And a purse! That's it. Don't be shy. Now maybe a little joke to break the ice. Or a big joke.

Speaking of heroes, here's mine. Tom Turkey ! Ooh, yikes ! What is that ? It's the centerpiece, Bart. Well, it's taking up valuable real estate. Hey, Bart, stop it ! Move it or lose it, toots ! Mom ! Now just a minute. I'm sure there's room for both.

All right. You're right. You're right. Let's just forget about that. Here. Let me read to you from my play. "'Kippers for breakfast, Aunt Helga? "Is it St. Swiven's Day already?' ''Tis,' replied Aunt Helga." I'm goin'! I'm goin'!

jack, I think the baby might be yours. Oh, I'm sure it is, doll face. But I'd like to see you prove it. You treat me like garbage. That's because that's the way you love it, baby.

I can't complain. Nah, that's for the prisoners. You can complain all you want. Oh, God, my back! It hurts so much! And my job is so unfulfilling! Try to focus on something else. Mmm, you like Jimi Hendrix, right?

Lisa, do you want a bite of my ice cream? No, thanks. Send it this way, boy. - Whoops. - Ohh. Aww. Nothing gets chocolate out. See?

Green vegetables and homework.

Are you ready to laugh? Oh, that poor dog. I said, "Are you ready to laugh?" Quiet, you awful man. You know, Mr. Burns is so cheap-- What?

You're gonna shut your stinkin' traps and behave, damn it! This is one substitute you're not gonna screw with! Marge Simpson. Hello, class! Hi, Bart. Over here, sweetie. It's me, Mom. Hi. Hey! Hello!

how about those rainbow suspenders, huh? Dad-- - Pretty cool way to keep your pants up, eh? - Dad! I see these kids now with "jive" printed on their shirts. Now, I can teach you how you're supposed to say "jive." Dad! Please just drive the car, Dad. I'm watching the road, sweetie.

Besides, he's only breaking a silly, 200-year-old law. It is silly, Marge. And look at all the money I'm making! Whoo! Mom! Prohibition may be unpopular, but it's the law, and we still have-- Go to your room, Lisa!

A-blowin' reveille He's the boogie woogie bugle boy of Company B

One way to drive your man wild... is to wear tight, revealing clothes. Eww! At this point I'd like to remind you, there are no refunds.

And furthermore-- Ignore her, Effendi. We have each other. Oh, baby. Aah! No use struggling, my beloved Shelamela. Merry Christmas from the Simpsons!

Let the fools have their tartar sauce. Enjoy your tartar sauce, boys. Enjoy ! Give me your plates ! Don't crowd ! Plenty for everybody ! Hmm. Brilliant. Who could ever have imagined that Simpson's sweeping reforms...

Well, you've changed me, Agnes. Maybe there is room in my store for romance comics. Nobody'll buy those. Your store smells. Now kiss me, funny face. All right! Oh!

Oh, baby. Oh, yeah. Oh, baby. Ah, no, that's Mayor Quimby. Ah, here we go. Precious Venus. Thank you.

but you're living in a world of make-believe, with flowers and bells and leprechauns... and magic frogs with funny little hats. - Yeah, Mom, we got hosed ! - Bart !

Bart, using this doll... tell the court where your father took money from you. Here and here. Let the records show that he pulled out the little pockets ofthe doll. Mr. Simpson, your son alleges... that you have an anger management problem.

Batman! Oh, it's been done. Green Lantern! Nah.

Ahh! I smelled some marijuana smoke in Vietnam! I was the one that canceled Star Trek! I left my Porsche keys inside Mrs. Glick. I am talking to the collection-money thief! Only you can come forward and end this injustice! Oh, what the heck. It was jessica Lovejoy!

Lousy Democrats. Homer, of all the crazy ideas you've had, this one ranks somewhere in the middle. You're 38 years old, you don't know how to box, and you haven't gotten any exercise since grade school. Before you even consider this, I insist you consult a doctor. No problemo.

(WHIMPERS) (WHIMPERS) (GRUNTS) Oh. The couch is like that tree! The displaced male has two choices. Either spend the rest of his days among the other broken-down old lions... All the good graves are taken.

That's why they won't let Bill Maher on TV before midnight. Hey, Moe, if you're tired of being an eyesore, why not get some plastic surgery? Plastic surgery, huh? Maybe they could dynamite Mount Crapmore here and carve me a new kisser. I don't know. Plastic surgery might make you look good on the outside, but you still might feel bad on the inside.

Oh, yeah! Shake it, madam. Capital Knockers.

our new school nurse, Lunch Lady Doris. Yeah, nice to see you. Seymour, why is that student lying unconscious on the floor? Well, in many cases, the floor is the best-- Oh, look! Here comes Lumpy, the school snake. Help! Help! Oh, Lord.

Gonna paint your wagon gonna paint it fine gonna use oil-based paint 'cause the wood is pine ponderosa pine Yeehaw!

Secrets and lies! Now let's welcome Springfield's original God couple, Reverend Lovejoy and Ned Flanders! Thank you so much.

What the hell are you..? Oh, my couch!

Thank you. Son, I know it hurts. I still remember my first lifetime banning.

Oh, boy! A "spookhouse"!

No, no. Stop it. Stop it. You'll enrage the beast! No pictures. You're driving him mad!

I owe you lunch.

Oh, wake up, Ned. You think Maude isn't dating in heaven? You think she would? How could she not? The place is full of eligible bachelors. John Wayne, Tupac Shakur, Sherlock Holmes. Sherlock Holmes is a character. He sure is.

Hey, Lise. I guess my little yearbook stunt was pretty rough, but it did teach you a lesson. It's important to be yourself.

Quiet, you blundering fool! You'll curse us all! What? By saying Macbeth?

Wow, Dad. You're surfin' like a pro. Oh, yeah. I'm betting on jai alai in the Cayman Islands. I invested in something called News Corp-- Dad! That's Fox! Undo! Undo! Dad, do we have any money left?

Sour grapes. Those Germans have a word for everything. What did you learn in karate school? Yeah, this better be worth my ten bucks. Uh... I learned the Touch of Death. Ooh, the Touch of Death. Permit me to demonstrate. Lisa, shut your eyes. Soon you will be at peace. Hey, quit it, Bart. Quit it.

Big? Daring? Lisa, that's it! I've got an idea for a wonderful art project that'll make everyone love me again! Step one: steal all the doormats in town. Hit the road, "Welcome Home"! Adios, "Casa de Flanders"! See ya in hell, "God Bless This House."

No! You've gotta be sober for this. Give me that.

Get your butt down here right now ! Doh ! No ! Please ! Don't hurt us ! Oh, we surrender. W-W-We were only followin' orders !

Oh, that was scary. We came this close to losing our spare Christmas tree stand. You monster! Look! Here's the box for my Pitch Back. If I still had it, I could put it in here!

There was a bunch of old paint cans in their garage though. Ol' Painty-can Ned! I always knew he'd keep his old cans of paint! Yeah! How do you like that?

Move it or lose it! Get going, you! This ought to hold 'em. There's one missing, mate. If we don't find him, it'll be my ass on the barbie!

Do something! Bart, they're not here to entertain us. I've seen plays that were more exciting than this. Honest to God. Plays!

Marge, the boy was wearing a Hawaiian shirt! So? There's only two kinds of guys who wear those shirts-- gay guys and big fat party animals. And Bart doesn't look like a big fat party animal to me. So if you wore a Hawaiian shirt, it wouldn't be gay? Right. Thank you.

You're fired, Lenny. Aw, nuts! So, how did we do? - It's a new record, sir. - Outstanding. Well, perhaps all of this has been worthwhile. Did you all learn about teamwork? Yes. Excellent. In that case, no one will be fired after all.

Now, I know you love video games, and I asked the clerk, "Which is the one every boy wants?" You got me-- Oh-h-h! Oh, yeah!

Homer didn't fire Marge, but he did shake things up-- show business things. D'oh!

Hello, Mr. Burns. This is the kidnapper. Do you miss your son? Yes, I'm missing one son. Return it immediately.

D'Oh! Stupid fingers.

There's no silver lining here. I was a big cheese-- a huge cheese! But now look at me. I gotta ride the bus like a schnook. I gotta live in an apartment like an idiot. I gotta wait in line with nobodies... to buy groceries from a failure!

Hey. What's Lucky hooked up to? A respirator. It breathes for him. And here I am using my own lungs like a sucker.

but I'm also here to talk about Sprint. As you can see, you stand to save up to 17 cents a month over the more dependable providers. Aw, talk about Star Wars. You stupid nerds! He's trying to save you money on long distance. Star Wars, huh? Well, let me ask you this.

Everybody reach in and draw a pickled egg. Whoever gets the black egg stays sober tonight. - Whew! - Whew! Whew! Oh!

I'm Marge Simpson-- Long-time customer, first-time complainer. Hey, Marge, I'm not up on the current slang, but do the kids still say "Get the hell out of my office"? And I want you to stop putting so much sugar in everything. Or at least warn people that it's so unhealthy. Mmm. That'll boost sales.

When we left off, Calvin and Tanya were arguing... that free will is an illusion. If you ask me, humankind has freedom, a freedom fraught with paradoxes. Freud shows how childhood shapes our subconscious mind, but this helps us to think for ourselves.

Whoa! Isn't that stealing? No, it's just looting. Sweet. Let's go nuts. Hot town Summer in the city Back of my neck gettin' dirty and gritty Mannequins! You can't buy these! Oh, look at all these tube socks! But at night it's a different world Go out and find a girl

Whoo-hoo! Eww! Did you have to be so graphic? It's okay, Marge. They pave the way for this kind of filth in school.

Well, we're still welcome in North Dakota and Arizona. Arizona smells funny. North Dakota, here we come.

Stop it, you two! You're making Scratchy cry!

I'm a vampire, and I've come to suck your blood. Blah! Oh-- This cape is giving me a rash.

but the gas costs 1.49 and eight-tenths. Eight-tenths? Donny's Discount Gas!

Ned Flanders? You're sure? No, no, no. I'll come right over. And may God have mercy on us all. Darling, there's an emergency at the hospital. Where are my shoes? Oh, I think they're in the den. In the den? May God have mercy on us all.

The first meeting of Hell's Satans is called to order. I move we reconsider our club name. Make it something a little less blasphemous. After all-- we don't want to go to hell. How about the Devil's Pals? No. You see-- Or the Christ Punchers? The Christ--

Drop the cone, sugar! Whoa. Whoopsie. Take her away, boys. I thought you said the law was powerless. Yeah, powerless to help you, not punish you. Mmm. Earned my treat. This isn't over, Becky! I know where you live!

Uh, I bring you love. It's bringing love! Don't let it get away! Break its legs!

Um, di-did I say killer dolphins? I meant killer Italians. Gray, bottlenosed, intelligent Italians. Intelligent Italians? Something's wrong. It's dolphins. We have to stop them. If we speak in low-frequency voices, I don't think they can-- Ow!

Hmm. Now-- Now let-- Let me-- Let me think.

And pointed right towards center field This time I'm hittin' a home run This time love is for real Hey, Dad, can I do a hambone solo? Stop it. ...for you

However, your checks have cleared, so you all graduate. Congratulations. And, now, in honor of your achievement, here is the theme song from the hit motion picture, The Bodyguard.

Dad, make Bart wash his hand. Sorry, Lise. I no longer control the hand. The hand controls me! Dad! Shut up, you little monsters! Hello, I was wondering if you'd like to babysit my little angels. Sorry, this isn't Abbie. This is her sister. I look after her now.

that makes beer super, super malty. - Care to try it? - Wait a minute. Will this erase my memory? No. Not at all. Ma-- Man, that is malty. But he'll never know!

NELSON: Ha-ha! It's the baby bike brigade. Hey, Bart. I used to have a bike like that. Back before I was born. Oh, no. They've got big boy bikes.

Now! Now! How could I not become a radical... when we were fighting a force of pure evil? Hey, hey, Mr. Burns! Enough already with the germs. Ptooh, their flower power-- it's no match for my glower power. Well, that's some nice glowering, Mr. "B."

Bills, bills. Ooh, a free sample of gasoline. Oh! A note from Publisher's Clearinghouse... saying we're out of the running. Look, Lisa! You got something. Oh, Foreign Language Institute. Oh, my German verb wheel.

and getting it by fraud?

"It was the end of the Trojan War.

Look, this one's coming onto me. Yoo-hoo, Mr. Robot.

Monorail! Monorail! Monorail!

Dad, i'm sorry the editor didn't like your review. I'll help you write a new review if you'll just let me use the bathroom! Still not clean. Still not clean!

Flanders! Flanders! What? Flanders! What? What is it? Game's out there! Made you look. Ohh!

I’ve got to live like a bug, think like a bug, become a bug. Oh! Why do you always hire the cheapest guy? I go by how funny the sign is.

Don't worry, beloved parents. God won't let anything happen to me. Huh. Getting kind of hot around here. Wow. What happened, Dad?

Well, I was in the mood for something bubbling. Out of the way, slim. Thanks for your help with the anchor, guys. Guys? That pig looks like Lenny.

Hey, Lis, what do you call those guys in chess that don't matter ? Well, a blockaded bishop is of little value, but I think you're referring to a pawn. Right. I am a pawn. Mmm, I know. It's times like this that I'm thankful... Dad has little to no interest in almost everything I do.

I'd do anything for keg-meister julius. So I cooked up a phony awards show.

(WOLF WHISTLE) You handsome devil. Someday they'll let you and me get married. Can you imagine the children? (CHILDREN CHATTERING) (MOANING) I love you, Homer. I love you, too, Homer. (BOTH MOANING) Oh, Homer.

I am not cleaning that.

Now the classic Itchy and Scratchy, episode DABF06.

We're proud to be teachers knowledge is our game but we'd sell our motherS For 15 minutes of fame

I never moved a Buddha this heavy. Let's cut him in chunks and worship the chunks. Ooh! Now let's see. Which one is Ling?

I'm Lionel Hutz, executor of Ms. Bouvier's estate. She left a video will, so I earn my fee... simply by pressing this "Play" button. Pretty sweet, hey?

And that's my cue to exit.

For the Band on the run You know, we've been through some 280 adventures together. But our bond has never been stronger. Mmm-mm. Yep. Our family is as functional as all get out. Could this be the end of our series...

But I can explain. I'm leaving you, Marge. The next time you see my name will be in the hobo obituaries. Don't worry about the kids. I'll drop them off with Patty and Selma. Patty and Selma? Screw that. Just run the camera, you little-- D-oh! Good-bye, my darling.

No, but his career is. I remember when Al jolson ran amok at the Winter Garden and climbed the Chrysler Building. After that, he couldn't get arrested in this town.

Like the cleaning of a house, it Never Ends. With Gabriella DeFarge as Gabriella St. Farge. Allegra Hamilton as Sister Bernadette and Roxie Monoxide.

You did what? I borrowed your nail clipper. What's the big deal? Nothing. I'm just a little edgy since your mother told me she wants to be a cop.

I got my bases covered. Hey, Milhouse, what'd I miss in school today ? Nothing much. Lewis made Richard laugh milk through his nose. Oh, you don't say. What about that history test, huh ? Piece of cake, huh ? Listen, what you get for number one ? Uh-huh. Number two ? Oh, yeah. That seems right.

Do you want to change your name to Homer junior? The kids can call you Hoju. I'll get back to you. Come on! Keep it comin'!

Now let's get on with our... really big show. Ed Sullivan.

Scour the professional ranks-- the American League, the National League the Negro leagues. I'm on my way.

Oh, it isn't fair. I'm 10 times the Krusty fan you are. I even have the Krusty Home Pregnancy Test.

And now, let's hear it for our own Miss Springfield. Gentlemen, start your whacking.

Hello? Yes? Oh. If you're looking for that big doughnut of yours, Flanders has it. just smash open his house. He came to life. Good for him!

You call that prime rib? Yuck.

Did I sound like a real Kwik-E-Mart, you know, kinda guy? Actually, I thought it was a little labored. Oh. You gotta lose yourself in the moment, man. Yeah. Like-- Yeah! Okay. Great. Okay. Let-Let's just try that again. Okay? Come on. Hey. Come on. Hey-ey-ey! Hey, get over here! Okay. Now, you're you, I'm me. I'm me?

Ah, you are so full of it! God's grace, that is. It's really sickening... there aren't more people like you. Now get out... your pen and we'll make it official.

I think so. Of course. Absolutely not! Never! Who screens these calls? Who's in charge here? They leave a building without people watching it? I got a plan that can't fail.

Mind if I relax next to ya?

Well, Mrs. Simpson, much as I would like to rely on your diagnosis, I think it might be professionally derelict of me to do so. Let me check my schedule.

Hey, everybody! I'm gonna haul ass to LollapaloozA!

(ALL STRAINING) (EXPLOSION) (GAS HISSING) (PRISONERS COUGHING) Tear gas, my one weakness. (ALL GROANING) You can come in, Governor.

I don't know how to tell you this, but... I came down a little early, and, uh, well, uh,

Well, life is like a box of chocolates. Mom, no! Mom! You never know-- what you're gonna get.

(SNOWBALL II MEOWING) Shame on you two creeps!

Are you? I'm not authorized to answer that. By the way, your martinis suck! Oh, yeah? What are you gonna do? Start your own casino... in your tree house and get your little friends to come? I'd like to see that! Hi. Yeah, welcome. Have a lucky day! Mm-hmm.

Celebrities at ringside tonight-- Star of the McBain action films, and featured player in the Hollywood prostitution scandal--

Mild-mannered Homer Simpson... You're not mild-mannered. You're often liquored up and rude. Honorable men can differ. Now what brings you down here? I want you to stop this, Dad, before you get killed. All right, I'll stop.

It all started on Nuclear Plant Employee, Spouses and No More Than Three Children Night... down at Springfield stadium.

You know, I went to the McDonald's in, uh, Shelbyville on Friday night. The Mc-what? Uh, McDonald's restaurant. I-- I never heard of it either, but, uh, they have over 2,000 locations in this state alone. Must have sprung up overnight. You know the funniest thing though? It's the little differences.

"jane Fonda, Daniel Schorr, jack Anderson"-- Hey! This is Richard Nixon's enemies list. You just crossed out his name and put yours. Yeah, okay, gimme that. Gimme it back. "Barney Gumble." Oh, what'll I do, Moe?

(GULPING) OTTO: Whoa! I can't see! I'll have to steer by the reflection in my watch! (TIRES SCREECHING) Oh! Why don't I just pull over? MAN: Hey!

(SNORING) (GASPS) People bored with opera? That's impossible! (CACKLES) To failure, dear brother.

Sugar Ah, honey, honey Hey, I found some pearls. You are my candy girl No, wait. They're just my teeth. Well, I can still make a necklace out of them. And you got me

Is it me, or do your plans always involve some horrible web of lies? It's you.

Who's the sexy lady, Bart ?

Lisa, the pet cemetery. Bart, spooky roller disco. And I'll go skinny-dipping in that lake... where the sexy teens were killed a hundred years ago tonight. Now, Flanders, I want you to-- It's impossible! I killed you!

- we tracked him to exactly this point. - Wow.

Yeah. I'm getting tired of them pointing and laughing at us.

Three prawns are hardly a galaxy. What do you mean your hands are tied? Let me talk to Mr. Quan. I want to see how this turns out. The phone's not even plugged in. All right. You listen to me, Quan. Hang on. I got another call. Yes, Mr. President. I can be in Washington right away.

Face-Stuffers! Professor V.J. Cornucopia's Fantastic Foodmagorium and Great American Steakery. Well, what about this place?

Yes! Yes! Work the groin! - Excuse me. Could you take our picture? - Aye-uh. It should focus automatically. It do. Chief, you might want to take a look outside. That's it!

Barkeep, some cheap domestic beer for me and my buddy here. I'm not your buddy, you greedy old reptile. Smithers, who is this saucy fellow? Homer Simpson.

Excuse me. Can you tell me how to get to the museum?

Thanks for everything, Kyle.

And the most evil German of all time... Kaiser Wilhelm. Huh? Huh? He aint no cowboy! Sure I am. Okay, he's in.

Go long! Go long! Ah, hell. I'll do it myself. I gotta quit smoking.

What did I tell you?

Hey, you! Join the navy!

I bring you peace.

Oh, Andy Capp. You wife-beating drunk.

Hey! Where have you been all my life?

Wheel him out quietly. It's best the children don't see him. Oh, just get it out of here! Not into the kindergarten! Mom! Dad! Martin died at school today! Ohhh! I don't see what that has to do with Groundskeeper Willie.

No one's pinching his legs. Pinch, pinch, pinch, pinch! Oh! Oh! It's been St. Patrick's Day for hours, and I'm still not drunk yet! Oh, it's never gonna be 9:00. Moe! Moe! Thank God you're here. We'd like to come in and drink, please.

I can't get in trouble at school. They put me in the remedial class. I'm surrounded by arsonists and kids with mittens pinned to their jackets all year round. Hey, Dad-- We wanna go back to Springfield. What? We've got it great here.

Maggie? Maggie? Maggie?! Oh... hoo... Maggie!

Hey, Lise, wanna join us? Room for one more.

Can I have a beer? All right. - But not the imported. - Homer! You've got to set limits, Marge. No beer! Get your T-shirts here! "I survived the Springfield riot!"

Principal Skinner, wait! I created the universe. Give me the gift certificate! Ah, great. Stuck in this lousy tub for the rest of my life.

Fresh, fr-fresh for Mommy's baby boy

You have offended me, sir. I challenge you to-- Come back here! Why, you yellow-bellied--

It's an expression of raw human emotion. In your case, rage.

Over the lips and past the gums-- look out dentures, here I come. Ew!

Lady, I'll tell you what I'm telling everyone else. I'm sorry if your dog went blind, but your gripe is with Hartz Mountain, not with me.

Yep, it's finally gone. D'oh! If this were a cartoon, the cliff would break off now.

- Homer Simpson. - Stop telling them it was me! I'll kill you for saying it was me! Homer Simpson. What is the meaning of this? Smithers, who is this beast that's shaking me?

And I'm losing! Smithers, this calls for the League of Evil! My league! My beautiful league! All dead. Even monsters need air, sir. Blast! Well, gather their watches.

Hey, Flanders. Look what I got.

Ah. Finally, a little quiet time... to read some of my old favorites. "Honey Roasted Peanuts. "Ingredients: Salt, "artificial honey-roasting agents, pressed peanut sweepings." Mmm! Homer, I have to go out to pick up something for dinner. Steak?

They won't work in our VCR!

Whoop. Shoe's untied. Over, under, in and out. That's what shoe tying's all about.

I guarantee! Will you stop saying that? So, Skinner, who do you figure threw that skull through my window? What's the word on the street? Well, to be honest, Chief, I haven't lived in New Orleans for 42 years. Although, uh, according to an article I read in Parade magazine-- Mm-hmm.

- They fight and bite - and bark - they fight and fight and bite - and bark fight, fight, fight woof, woof, woof the itchy and scratchy and poochie show

So, if we were in school this week, what do you think we'd be learning?

- Yeah, great. - What's the matter? Don't you see, Milhouse? We've gone too far. We need Skinner back.

I always knew I would die caked in something. Well, better turn off that engine before those fumes put us in tombs. Wait. Let's just leave it on... till we forget our troubles. Mm, sounds like a plan. I can't write this. It's a grammatical nightmare.

w' Been with you such a iong time,» w' You 're my sunshine ,»,»

Now behind that door is Edison's actual preserved brain. Ordinarily, folks, tour groups are not allowed to see it, and, of course, today will be no exception. Now no tour would be complete without a visit to Edison's boyhood gift shop.

Marge Simpson. Hello, class! Hi, Bart. Over here, sweetie. It's me, Mom. Hi. Hey! Hello!

It says, "Choo-Choo-Choose Me," and there's a picture of a train. Yeah, nice gag. Uh, SO, do you like... stuff?

Hey! Get off my sugar! Bad bees. Bad! Ow! Ow! They're defending themselves somehow. Look, Bart. It almost killed me,

Oh, I would date Ned in a second if I was a woman or gay. He looks like a cuddler, that Ned. I-i like that. I like to be held. I like to be pampered. So, if you're tired of dating the same old losers-- What are you doing, Homer? step up to the best.

- Homer, stop picking at it. - Oh! But I'm so sweet and tasty. Well, time to go to work. Dad, I wouldn't go outside if I were you.

Oh, they miss their father. Are you sure you don't want to take him back? Well, I do. But I don't want him to think that I am a doormat. I need payback! All right! Girls' night out. Exotic male dancers at the Golden Banana.

We're wasting more energy than Ricky Martin's girlfriend. Hey-oh!

Yes, Dad, I solemnly swear I will not tell another living soul-- No, not even Milhouse. Huh? Hello, Milhouse? Can you keep a secret? No. Michael jackson is coming to my house! Michael jackson?!

Run along, you little scamp.

Mmm! I'd like to visit that Long Island place, if only it were real.

I want to set the record straight. I thought the cop was a prostitute.

I'd like to talk to you about Malibu Stacy?

I'm fine by myself... right here.

Huh? ¡Ayayay! SeÑor Ding-Dong!

Feels like I'm wearin' nothin' at all. Nothin' at all. Nothin' at all. Stupid sexy Flanders!

Wonder where this river goes. I've got a map. Monkey.

Come on, kids. Let's try the lights.

Leave that lest we forget. Look, someone on this farkakte committee's... gotta care about my air traffic bill! I'm sorry, Congressman. But this is a committee for designing dollar coins no one will use. I say we make 'em out of chocolate. Kids eat 'em anyway. Why fight it? Oh, I need some air.

If you're happy and you know it, say a swear Boobs! Heinie! Mitten!

I don't miss meat at all! This Portobello mushroom eats like a steak. A rubbery, fungus-like steak.

Well, you can always take the motor out... and use it as an ordinary tie rack. But now the ties are motionless. Those in back are virtually inaccessible. Well, it's a moot point as I have only one tie to begin with. I believe I'll pass. Have you sold that tie rack yet? - No. - I'll take it.

No! Close that door! You're letting the heat out! Shut up, shut up, shut up!

I am? Whoo-hoo!

Goodbye, Homer. I can't get drunk and vomit next to a guy I don't respect. (SOBBING) Even my best friends have left me. I'm all alone!

Uh, it's hard for us to leave when you're standing there, Mom. Push her down, Son. No one's going anywhere. We're going to clean the whole house from top to bottom. Oh, dear God, no!

I was thinking along the lines of... No TV and No Beer Make Homer-- something something. Go Crazy? Don't mind if I do!

Of course not. I love each and every living thing on God's green earth. Well, therefore, you certainly would never lose your temper... over something as trivial as the pronunciation of "chowder." That's "chowdah!" "Chowdah!" I'll kill you! I'll kill all of you! Especially those of you in the jury!

Oh. Oh, I'd do anything. Good. Yo, Pete. Pete Sampras. Hmm? Get over here. Yes! I'm in. Hmm? Everybody's been dumped but me. I'm "un-dumpable." Yoink. My tennis stick.

It's a pornography store. I was buying pornography. Heh-heh-heh. I would've never thought of that.

Now, where were we? Oh, yeah! The important thing was that I had an onion on my belt, which was the style at the time.

Oh, I'm just happy to lie here appreciating and respecting you. Okay, buster, what is going on? Nothing! How can you even accuse me of repeated infidelity? Oh! I'm so angry, I could just-- I could fall asleep! I--

Five! Four! Three! Two! Don't open your mouth. One!

Come back. Zinc, come back. Zinc! Zinc, zinc!

But you, sir, Huh ? are a baboon ! Me ? Yes, you ! Baboon, baboon, baboon, baboon ! I don't think you realize what you're saying. Baboon !

Now, my Woody Allen impression. I'm a neurotic nerd who likes to sleep with little girls.

- Ow. - Hee-hee-hee. - Ow. - Hee-hee-hee. - Ow. - Hee-hee-hee. This is a rather lifeless outing. Don't worry. They're building to something. Oww. Hee-hee-hee. Kids, say no to drugs!

(GUNS COCKING) Hold on! We're just innocent tourists!

The emperor is with yet another musical prodigy.

Well, I'm glad some people could resist the lures of the big game. I forgot the game! It all comes down to this one play.

Now, the kilt was only for day-to-day wear. In battle, we donned a full-length ball gown covered in sequins. The idea was to blind your opponent with luxury.

Was the door locked? I just couldn't face what was out there. Was it raining? No, Homer Dave suffers from agoraphobia-- a fear of open areas and crowds. Dave, go on. I knew I just couldn't make that long drive to work. Were you out of gas?

Aah! Maggie! Hey, hey! Get your sticky hands off me! Ow!

'Tis more dizzyin' than the belfry at St. Corgegluynwaagen's.

Aw, they mushed it all out of shape. All right. Better put on a pot of coffee, Marge. This could take a while. aw, sookie, Sookie now Hey Come on

"Vous etes permis de quitter le Canada, mais vous n'avez plus le droit de rentrer."

he just has to celebrate." Here you go! Here I am! Uncle Moe! Thank you, ma'am! This'll be a treat! Uncle Moe! Here I am, while you eat! Please take the fries off my head, kid. The basket is extremely hot.

I'm having a little trouble with the government. Oh, those jerks-- always walking over the small businessman. Don't get me started about the government.

So, finally, we're all in agreement about what's going on with the adults. Milhouse. Okay. Here's what we've got.

Now, cut the power and hit 'em with the lights! You irreplaCeable you

squarely in your locker. Ha-ha! Damn! Dang! Darn! A principal's ransom in stolen goods!

I think they're dedicating a phone booth somewhere. Watch it, you talking tub of donut batter. Hey, I got pictures of you, Quimby. You don't scare me. That could be anyone's ass. Now beat it! I'm calling the shots. I think that sash is cutting off the air to your brain. The town charter says that in an emergency, I run the show.

This time-- D'oh! Ahh-- D'oh! Yeesh! This house stinks! You're not just putting the new newspapers over the old ones, are you? Do you have a better idea? Now, I know we love the puppies very much, but I think they're getting to be a problem.

Well, now it's my turn. Don't do it, L.T.! You leave me no choice! No! No!

School's out! Up yours, Krabappel!

Barney forever! Wiggum never! Barney forever! Wiggum never! Hey, those girls you paid to scream are doing a great job!

Marge, what's my blood type ? A-positive. Aw, nuts. Extremely rare blood, and I don't have it. You know his blood type ? How romantic. A mother knows everything about her family. - What's my shoe size ? - Four "B." - How many teeth do I have ? - Sixteen permanent, eight baby. Earmuffs ? XL. Ring ? I don't want you wearing rings. It looks cheap. But three.

Lou, you're promoted to Chief of Police. Sweet. And Eddie, you're promoted to Lou. Nice. And, uh, who's gonna be Eddie? We don't need an Eddie.

Nothing exciting ever happens.

My feet are getting wet !

Oh, all right. You can stay up late tonight,

There'll be trouble in town tonight Seymour! Superintendent, I was just-- uh, just stretching my calves on the windowsill. Isometric exercise. Care to join me? Why is there smoke coming out of your oven, Seymour? Uh-- Oh. That isn't smoke. It's steam.

We need more information.

I call president! Vice president!

Shh ! CloSed-captioned by Captions, Inc. Los Angeles

I was a sinner A real bad kid What thou shalt not I shalt did Neighbor's cat I tried to neuter Took a whiz on the school computer He took a whiz Oh, yes, he did

Moe Moe Moe Moe. Moe. Moe, Moe... Moe... Moe, Moe... Moe.... Moe, Moe... Hey, Homer. Hey, Homer. Hey, Homer. Hey, Homer. Hey, Homer.

And then I saw my boy in a burlap sack, and they told me he had lice. Is this story going somewhere? Easy there, Flub. We're all gonna get a chance. Mrs. Skinner, why are you here? The county is threatening to take my Seymour away.

Over Hollywood-- America needs you! We need you to go dance! We need you to get together and boogie-woogie-woogie-boogie! Shh!

Please. Really, I mean it ! Now, stop it ! I'm sorry, Marge. Take me home, Artie.

Oh, and I'm sorry I sawed the heads off your Malibu Stacy dolls.

Brought to you by-- That dog can sell anything.

(GRUNTS) (LISA GRUNTS) I'll give you a first-round bye. Gotta go, Tom. I'll think about it. Lisa, breakfast. I know you're mad at me. But I hope you're not mad at Cap'n Crunch... (GASPING)

Someone get a picture of me with my arm around this steak.

Here is an ordinary square. Whoa! Whoa! Slow down, egghead. But suppose we extend the square beyond the two dimensions of our universe... along the hypothetical "Z" axis there. This forms... a three-dimensional object known as a cube,

Ah. Homer J. Simpson, you're a genius. I know you like clowns, so I made you this bed. Now you can laugh yourself to sleep. If you should die before you wake--

Smelson. It's funny 'cause you smell. Smelson. I could've thought of that. Sure ya could've. Off ya go now.

"Purple Rain!" Shut up! Michael Jackson just told me to shut up! We're down to our last three teachers, folks. And the winner will be decided by one final question... asked by the students who nominated them.

I knew we shouldn't have put a fireplace in the bedroom.

My purpose in life is to witness this moment.

Well, sir, it has been an uneventful week in Badger Falls, where the women are robust, the men are pink-cheeked, and the children are pink-cheeked and robust.

What are the odds on Santa's Little Helper ? Ninety-nine to one. Wow ! Ninety-nine times thirteen equals... Merry Christmas ! I got a bad feeling about this. - Don't you believe in me, son ? - Uh-- Come on, boy. Sometimes your faith is all that keeps me going.

Help, Smithers. I'm sinking. I'm sinking. Life... flashing... before-- eyes.

Word. It just sounds like something I would say. Shh!

Mr. Plott, Homer Simpson here. When you sold me this house, you forgot to mention one little thing. You didn't tell me it was built on an Indian burial ground ! No, you didn't !

And we're thinking of retiring Menthol Moose. Bless you, boys. - Homer, those are ice cream men. - I know.

Oh, this isn't fun. Maybe if you didn't go to the bathroom so much, you wouldn't be so small. Oh. Please, folks, hold your fire. The water level is dangerously low. Ow! Oh! Ow, my leg!

Thank you, but we're not allowed. Ah, it's okay. There's no sugar in pixie sticks. - Trust me. - Okay. Hmm. Don't hog it all, smelly head! Go to hell, zit face! Give me that sugar!

At last those planes are flying where they belong. That's right. Over the homes of poor people.

- Homer, stop picking at it. - Oh! But I'm so sweet and tasty. Well, time to go to work. Dad, I wouldn't go outside if I were you. Don't worry, boys. He's gotta come out of there sometime.

Hello, everyone. What a happy, happy day. Wow. I wish I had an elephant. You did. His name was Stampy. You loved him. Oh, yeah.

but whenever I'm feelin' poorly, you know what fixes me up? Dancin'. Dancin'? Dancin'. But I don't know how to dance. Oh, I'll show you how.

Oh, Daddy! This tastes like Grandma! Holy Moses! It does taste like Grandma! I want more! Yeah, me too. We'll take a bushel or a pack or-- just give it to me! Yech!

All he can do is eat me when I'm dead. Don't cry, sweetie. Everything's gonna be all right. Come on, kids. We should go. Goodbye, Selma. I'm not dead, idiot. I know. That was for the other patients. Ow! Ow! My thingies! (ORGAN MUSIC ON TV)

Bart, I wouldn't have expected this even from you. My son's a thief. Oh, Bart.

To heaven! Oh. Christ be with you. D'oh!

I love the holiday season. See ya in spring, toes.

Orphans lighting candles over a leaking gas line. Lighting candles? No-o-o!

Huh? Whee! I must destroy you!

Till then I'll just try to hide them from the family. Making it the iatest Segwa. y scooter accident. . . to ciaim over f, 000 lives. Not feeling welll Going to bed! Dinner and breakfast are on the table! - Did you label the meals so I can tell which is which? - Yes!

(ZIPS PANTS) MONA: Homer Simpson? (BOTH SCREAM) (HOMER SCREAMING) MONA: Still my little crybaby. I'll save you, Dad! Karate!

you must resign as head of the union. Whoo-hoo! Smithers, I'm beginning to think that Homer Simpson... was not the brilliant tactician I thought he was.

It's... homework. Sure it is. Hey, Bart, let's do some homework.

Exercising away while the others are off at the candy machine. Hey, Lenny, can you get this Sugar Daddy off my back? Okay, but it's the last time. Mmm!

Bah! Welcome to my world.

Speaking of charity don't you think it's time you forgave your son? My boy broke my heart! He turned his back on our traditions on our faith, and on me. Get out of here, you little pisher. Oy, this guy's tough. We'll have to outsmart him. He's pretty sharp.

featuring clips like this one of Sideshow Mel whacked out on wowee sauce. Everyone's always kissing your ass. Well, I'm not afraid to tell you you're a--

If it werent for Alcoholics Anonymous... I'd still be sucking the juice out of glow sticks. I’ve been there. I am so sorry for all your horrible problems. But this is our dog's room now. Wherever shall we go?

Ah, my plan has come to fruition. Soon I'll be queen of summertime. Oh. King. King!

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING) I'm so happy with my evil plan Say goodbye to music gym and art Soon we will have the perfect school Where fun and excitement never start

Last night's Itchy and Scratchy was, without a doubt, the worst episode ever! Rest assured that I was on the Internet within minutes...

Intruders could come in down the chimney, through the mail slot, even hidden in your groceries. Did you change the locks when you moved in? I thought not. All the previous owners of this house could still be in here somewhere. What do you recommend? Well, a lot of companies would put in a pretty system that looks good...

I know what you're going through. We're coming up on Mt. Carlmore. I carved that one wonderful summer. What did Carl think? You know, we've never discussed it.

Thank you. Unfortunately, due to budget cuts, we are canceling art, music and dance. Please evacuate the auditorium before it's bulldozed into a mini-mall.

Same old space, huh, Dad? Yep, but they gave me these roller blades... so I can glide to the front door. Whoop. Oh. Whoa. Whoa. Sweet.

Oh, thank you, Mr. Simpson. It looks so much better-- a beautiful sky blue.

Yeah! Whoa! Excellent, Marge! Yes!

Bart, this is just Dad. Uh, it's a composite character. Your dad, my dad, a little of Maggie's dad. No, it's just Dad. Maybe Angry Dad needs a sidekick, Know-It-All Sister! Can she have a pony? And the last line in the scene?

You guys are nuts!

Stop that, Mr. Simpson.

Moe, don't throw out that brine.

just like you took our money. You tell him, Lenny. "You'll all get yours in hell, you lying, thieving"-- blanking blankers-- "Sincerely, Moe." Oh, great. Now we have to send him a card. I know you're used to getting hate mail, but I'm not.

Custard! Custard! Custard! They make The Blue Man Group look like Mummenschanz, which is still pretty good. Oh, the second one wants custard, too? That's a little repetitive.

The Simpsons D'oh!

We only got one room left. Uh, the toilet is overflowing in the, uh, Caveman Room.

Freeze! F.B.I. The jig is up. All right, I admit it. I am the Lindbergh baby. Waah! Waah! Goo, goo. I miss my fly-fly dada. Are you trying to stall us, or are you just senile? A little from column "A," a little from column "B." Sir, she's gone!

Well, I also do a delightful impression of him. I paint a frowny face on my butt and pull down my pants! Yeah!

Well, if Freddy Quimby didn't do it, I'm sure he'll be found innocent by a fair and impartial jury. Oh, jury duty! I'll see that Quimby kid hang for this! I knew it was a bad idea to watch him open the mail.

What a load of crappy crap crap! Quiet, boy. I have a feeling some bad stuff is about to go down. This is where the wolf blows down the pigs' house. He blows, all right. He blows big-time. That's it, honey. Get into the spirit.

Hey, Carl? Isotopes!

First time I've ever been early for work-- except for all those daylight savings days. Lousy farmers. "To start, press any key." Where's the "Any" key? I see "Esk," "Catarol," and "pig Up." There doesn't seem to be any "Any" key.

I am going easy on you, but you're so old and slow... and weak and pathetic. No ! Bart, no !

Right, Mr. Goofball. Call me plain old Goof. So, what exactly do you have planned for us ? I get up, I dance, I spell out the name of the city to the tune of "Baby Elephant Walk." Ah, Mancini. The mascot's best friend. Well, see you on that field. I'll set 'em up, you knock 'em down.

Excuse me, little lady. The wheelbarrow line's over there. Oh, loneliness and cheeseburgers are a dangerous mix.

Medieval? Like Lord of the Rings? No. Not at all. (ALL GROAN) Can't we just keep going forward in our textbooks? No! Now I've already assigned each of you a role in the medieval court. Martin, you shall be our king. I shall pattern my reign on Enguerrand the Seventh, Sire de Coucy! Tralloo trallay!

I'm going out. I run errands during the day. Could you pick me up a lemonade and a beer? The mail! The mail is here! Ooh! "An urgent plea from Edward james Olmos."

What the hell is that?

Remember when we were kids, we used to dream about our ideal husbands? Who knew the dream would come true for one of us? Oh, come on! Guess which one. I know. I know. It's Selma, right? Yeah, that's a good idea, Homer,

Oh! Oh! Charley horse! Charley horse! Aa-aah! Aah! My mouth! I, eh-- In the net, right? Some party, Homer. Shut up, net-face.

Bed goes up. Bed goes down. Bed goes up. Bed goes down. Bed goes up. Bed goes down. Bed goes up. Bed goes down. Homer Simpson!

Mmm. Loganberry.

I thought you said you broke their spirits. We did. You broke nothing. Let's get 'em! To the hydrofoil!

Out of the frying pan! Yuck! All right, uh, let's get started on lunch. And-- Wait. Where's Lenny? Hello?

On President's Day weekend? Are you crazy? Crazy with concern for the public, yes. Now shut this place down before the old folks come in for their morning walk. Tappa-tappa-tappa, tappa-tappa-tappa. Oh. Whoa! Ow!

Mr. T and Krusty the Clown! T, I haven't seen you since we roasted Chevy Chase! Yeah. We were kind of rough on him. I feel bad for the guy. You pitied the fool? That's one way of putting it. Time for me to get into character.

Cold biscuits, chicken, yellow... mailman. You're reading the wine list, sir. Very good.

Troy, Mac Parker. Ever hear of Planet of the Apes?

Hi, Homer. Mindy! Uh-- Oh, no, I'm sweating like Roger Ebert. Mu-- Murphy, youse-- You are a elf-- Uncontrollably, I think--

Hold it right there. Looks like the spider caught himself a couple of flies.

And you know where those reviewers are? All dead. How you doin' down there, fellas? Huh? Huh? Anyway, here's a clip. Now, why do they call this a urine monkey? Uh-- Ohh. I just found out.

He's going to baptize our children? Oh, no. In the eyes of God, they'll be Flanderseseseses. Until this, I never thought Homer and Marge were bad parents. But now I know you kids need a less hell-bound family.

Hey, Homer, you're hallucinating again.

Sir, your llama just bit Ted Kennedy. Good!

Yeah, just a sec. I'll check. Uh, Amanda Huggenkiss! Hey, I'm looking for Amanda Huggenkiss! Why can't I find Amanda Huggenkiss? Maybe your standards are too high.

You may not. I am all out. Though I do have a surprising abundance... of Lee Carvallo's Putting Challenge.

Bart? Did you stop because I said to? If so, thank you. Bart?

No, I'm good. This just in. Authorities in Six Toe County are on the lookout for a family of fugitives. They're charged with gatorcide and defrauding an Amtrak snack bar. Trouble with the law, huh? Well, I'm not one to judge. The way I see it, we're all sinners.

Ten, nine, eight-- eight-- eight-- eight-- Ohh! Will this horrible year never end? We've never lost a year before, and I'll be damned if we're gonna lose one on my shift. Seven, six, five, four, three, two, one!

Don't worry, kids. I know just what to do. jumanji! Does anything from the movies actually work? Ah, nuts! Isn't there anybody who can round up these thunder lizards? Uh, they'd need a pretty rugged vehicle.

Gimme that sax! No! - I said gimme! - I said no! - Gimme it. Gimme, gimme, gimme! - No! No, no, no!

Come on, Homer. Come on, Homer. Pretend this is baseball and hit us a homer. You rolled it. You rolled it. By the way, rhyming "Homer" with "Homer"--

Back-scratcher. Foot-licker. Honor student !

Marge, I'll be on my best behavior. You have my word as a gentleman and a lady. Now let's see. Which rifle should I bring? (GRUNTS IN DESPAIR)

If I find out who this is, I'll staple a flag to your butt and mail you to Iran!

Mom, I need more O.J. Flintstones chewable morphine. I'll miss Sheriff Lobo. Mom, I need more O.J. Flintstones chewable morphine. I'll miss Sheriff Lobo. O.J. Morphine. Lobo. - O.J. Morphine. - Lobo. And a bottle of aspirin, please.

Uh-- Well, there is this one thing. It's about a killer-robot driving instructor... that travels back in time for some reason. I'm listening. Okay, okay. Well, you see, this robot-- He's got a heartbreaking decision to make... about whether his best friend lives or dies.

Whoo-hoo! Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo! Whaa-ha-ha-ho! Take that, Maynard G. Krebs!

I'm proud that you won the Pulitzer-- Finally. but I do feel bad about the starving children. They're with God now. Oh, well, that's good. Right. Hey, guys. How's it going?

Hidilly-ho, Bart!

Oh, no. Pinch! Happy St. Patrick's Day, loser! Ow! Quit it! It's the wearin' of the green, Bart! Pinch, pinch, pinch! No one's pinching his legs. Pinch, pinch, pinch, pinch! Oh! Oh!

And if you drive me, people will think you're gay. One of us! One of us!

Now, now... that will do. Homer, for your bravery and skill we award you this ham, this plaque this discount coupon book and my own personal thumbs-up.

Ah! Mmm. Alcohol and night swimming. It's a winning combination.

When will you teens learn to be uncool like everyone else? Never, pops. That's right! Never! Yeah, you can arrest me, but you'll never defeat the Cobras. Nothing can defeat a motorcycle gang!

She's right ! She's right ! Oh, how I miss TV. Dear God, just give me one channel ! Homer, it's not the end of the world. Before we got married, we hardly ever watched television. You lie.

And I'm a superstar at the cracker factory. You're letting me go?

People of Springfield, I, um-- I don't know quite how to say this-- Don't be shy, little girl. Think of jebediah, and the words will come.

Geez, Homer. I thought someone with two wives would be happy. No. You're thinking of someone with two knives. I gotta tell ya, this is pretty terrific. Yeah!

I'm thirsty. Ooh, what smells like mustard? There sure are a lot of ugly people in your neighborhood. Ooh! Look at that one! Oh, my glaucoma just got worse. The president is a demi-crat!

Barney sucked it dry. Cut his gums up pretty bad.

Good boy, Mojo. Now bring 'em down and I'll give you one. Stop that. You're a helper monkey. This isn't helping. Oh. I don't need your pity.

Well, finally, a little luck.

All right, Mr. Burns, you win. But beware-- we Germans aren't all smiles und sunshine. Ooh, the Germans are mad at me. I'm so scared. Ooh, the Germans! Stop it. Stop that. The Germans are coming after me. Stop the pretending you are scared game.

Good luck, sir. No bag boys are gonna stop Lenny... from hosting a casual get-together. Casual? I can taste that get-together now. Hey! I was holding that. Next time I'll knock your hat off, scab.

Homey, isn't he beautiful? As long as he's got eight fingers and eight toes, he's fine by me. Oh, Bart! Daddy's little angel. Ah!

He prefers the company of men. Who doesn't? Homer, listen carefully. john is a homo-- - Right. - sexual.

Defense! Defense!

Don't we get to roast marshmallows? Shut up and eat your pinecone. Uh, are you sure that's safe? Well, it ain't gettin' any safer.

Dad, can I go to a rap concert? Tickets are $50. - Go to hell. - Okay. What if I pay for it myself? Fine. Go nuts. I love you, Dad. I love you, too, Jerry.

Boy, did you make a prank call to Brazil? No, sir. I didn't. Choke on your lies! I'll teach you to-- Homer, they must've made a mistake.

So Flawless Flanders needs help... from Stinky Pants Simpson.

Dad, what are you doing? Oh, how to explain this to a child? Hmm. Future Daddy needs to double kill these corpses... so they wont come back as zombies and- Get him!

Aww, isn't that cute! And me without a camera. Here. My sister runs a day care center. Hmm. I guess a few weeks wouldn't hurt her. Maggie is allergic to strained pears, and she likes a bottle of warm milk before nap time. A bottle?

It's been done.

Not again. Time saver, my ass.

I couldn't understand how I fit into this family. Now that I've met you, I suddenly make a lot of sense. I'm so glad to see the spirit of the '60s is still alive in you kids.

you're sleeping on the lawn. Will you two shut up? People are trying to sleep!

And Larry and I have so much in common, Marge, way more than you and me. If I could be stranded on an island with anyone, it would definitely be Larry. I think we've heard enough about Larry Burns for one evening.

I told 'em a chain link fence wouldn't hold rhinos. Oh, wait. No, I didn't. I meant to tell 'em.

It sure was nice of Mr. Burns to invite us... for a midnight dinner at his country house in... Pennsylvania. Ah, there's something fishy about this whole setup. Lisa, stop being so suspicious. Did everyone wash their necks like Mr. Burns asked? Yes. Sure did.

"Number one: bra. "Number two: horny. Number three: family jewels."

Uh, that's influenza, that's bronchitis... and this cute little cuddle-bug is pancreatic cancer. Here's what happens when they all try to get through the door at once. Move it, chowderhead! We call it Three Stooges syndrome.

What the... Dad, Mr. Burns cut our power! Now, I can't print my paper! These batteries have to power everything in our house! Yo, I'll tell you what I want what I really, really want What I want, what I want I'll tell you what I want I want... (TAPE SLOWS DOWN AND STOPS)

Oh, I knew you'd come to your-- Here. If you have any soul left, you'll need these. I know I will.

I'll just have a cup of coffee. Beer it is. No, I said coffee. - Beer? - Coff-ee. Be-er? C-O-- B-E--

Mom, are those rabbits dead? No. No, Lisa. They're just sleeping... upside down and inside out.

All right, everyone! Disperse immediately! We are prepared to use force! What? What? We're not prepared, Eddie? - Get 'em! - Uh-oh. Someone call 911! Oh, they never come. Thus ends the rule of law.

They weren't thinking about the money. They just wanted to tell a story. A story about a radioactive man, and you slick small-towners took 'em for all they were worth. Should we give them some of their money back? No.

Whoa! This place has everything, even a Shoplifting Department. What convenience. I'm doin' all my thievin' here. This is so much nicer than the Kwik-E-Mart. Oh. Oh, I'm sorry, but, oh, it really is.

Hmm. Vengeful god. Loving god. Vengeful god. Loving god. Vengeful god. Loving god. Vengeful god. Loving god. I could do this all day. And I just might. Vengeful god. Loving god. - Vengeful god. Loving god. - Setting up a prayer station, eh, Homer?

Did he say where they were going? No. They were just going to find a deer and make Bart shoot it. Deer? Ha! Not around here. They all migrated north when the state park converted to Astroturf.

Jiminy jillickers. Jiminy jillickers. Jiminy jillickers!

Whoa! Come on, kids. Let's try the lights.

Homer, your bravery and quick thinking... have turned a potential Chernobyl... into a mere Three Mile Island.

It's five below.

By the way, your martinis suck! Oh, yeah? What are you gonna do? Start your own casino... in your tree house and get your little friends to come? I'd like to see that! Hi. Yeah, welcome. Have a lucky day! Mm-hmm. Well, he certainly showed me.

Swing Serenade is brought to you by Gorman's ear guards. Guard your ears! With Gorman's. Mom, Dad threw his beer can at the Miracle-Gro guy on TV. Can I recycle it? Why not?

Mr. Simpson, how long have you been a cat person? All my life, Kent. I prefer "catsup" to "ketchup." And to me, Yusuf Islam will always be Cat Stevens. Terrific stuff. You must really love the Broadway musical Cats. God, no. It sucks.

The rest of that night is something I'd like to forget. All right, then. Bring me that crooner she likes so much, Tom jones. These spurs are killing me. Ey-y-y. Sit on it. Lenny, '50s day is next Wednesday.

I want candy Or save the endangered Alaskan salmon. I want candy Well, if you won't think of society's ills-- I want candy at least think of our dentist bills.

Everything on this side of the park belongs to us! - Hey, his pants are in our park too! - Get him! My homework is in your park. Let's do it! Yoink! What does freedom mean to me?

I'm never gonna find that tree. This whole raid was as useless as that yellow, lemon-shaped rock over there. Wait a minute. There's a lemon behind that rock! The tree!

has ruled the Canyonero unsafe for highway or city driving. CAnyonero 12 YardS long two laneS wide 65 tons of AmeriCan pride canyonero

Godspeed, little doodle.

Eat the pudding. Eat the pudding-- Eat the pudding. Eat the pudding--

Ho, ho, ho. - Ho, ho, ho. - What the-- Ho, ho, ho. Bart, look! It's Santa Claus!

The Itchy and Scratchy Show

Excellent. Well, there's no easy way to say this. The new administration is shutting down Project Boy Band. Shutting it down? Permission to say "that's crazy," sir? You won't say it's crazy when you see next week's issue of Mad magazine. Oh, dear God.

Unfortunately, we don't know who he is, so his cash award will be used to feed starving children. No! Move! Move! I'm Mr. X! Gimme! Gimme!

Yes. May I see it? No. Seymour! The house is on fire! No, Mother. It's just the northern lights. Well, Seymour, you are an odd fellow, but I must say you steam a good ham.

No, you idiot ! I'm ignoring you ! You made me miss the last precious moments of Bea's life ! I'll never speak to you again ! I have no son !

Some say the ducks went to Canada. Others say Toronto. And some people think that Joe used to sit down there, near those ducks.

Oh, you look adorable, Lisa. Your school chums are going to be so jealous of your little outfit. God, I wish I had that little outfit.

Check. Mmm-- Simpson, do you know who chewed my--

So, my friends, let's just junk those dumb-o-crats... and their bleeding heart "smellfare" program. Dad, I had to listen to this jerk all morning. Can we listen to something else?

Now you're swingin', honey. Darn it! Oh, no! No, no!

Dad, do you plan to get in shape? No. Actually, I'm going to eat twice as much. Excellent.

ROOFI: One, two, tie your shoe Three, four, pick up the floor Five, six, don't play tricks Seven, eight, clean your plate Nine, ten, start over again! One, two, tie your shoe Three, four, pick up the floor Five, six, don't play tricks It's on batteries.

You're gonna blow it! Ah. That's what I get for having faith in ya.

ts called Lisa is Stupid. You die now! Whoa! Hey!

And in a gutless act of political correctness, Pizza Day... will now be known as Italian American Sauce Bread Day.

Now, what you see here is the radioactive dye we injected... flowing through your husband's circulatory system. But, Doctor, I haven't injected the dye yet! Good Lord. Hi.

Hey, look at that dog. Isn't that something? Wow! Brown.

I think I speak for everyone in this bed when I say you have nothing to worry about.

Marge, this may be hard to believe, but I'm trapped inside two vending machines. Sure, Homer. Trapped in vending machines. Okay.

That does it. I'm outta here. Mrs. Krabappel, I have to go to the dentist. I have a caraway seed caught under my bridgework.

It's all lies. But they're entertaining lies. And in the end, isn't that the real truth? The answer is no.

I think I wet my bed.

Egad! A maniac cutting a swath of destruction! This is a job for the Green Lantern, Thundra, or possibly... Ghost Rider. - What about Superman? - Oh, please.

But first, let's check the death count... from the killer storm bearing down on us like a shotgun full of snow. Well, Kent, as of now, the death count is zero, but it is ready to shoot right up. Oh, my God! Damn you, snow! All right! Snow day! No school tomorrow.

Oh, my father gave me beer as a child... till I wrapped my little red wagon around a tree. Let's never drink again. And we never did. Mom, can you tell me the story of how I got my saxophone...

Did you read the book? Oh. Yes. Did you like it? I did.

Okay, the face!

All the way. Hi, liar. Run for your lives, everyone! This is not a drill! Oh, right. Yeah. Then while we're gone, you take our snacks.

Hey, someone's boarded up our windows. Check this out! What's going on? Cooder! What have you done to our house? It's ours now. Tell us where the extra sheets are and get off our property. They're squatting in our house.

No! Take your corporate blood wagon and get the hell out.

So powerful. So commanding. So forceful and raw. It didn't ask. It just took.

I need a dance partner! - Uh? Uh. What about you? - Okay, daddy-o. Hey, hey! Set your socks on hop and your tutti to frutti. Here we go with "Mental House Rock" by johnny Bobby. Doctors threw a party at the loony bin You gotta be crazy if you want to get in

No, say "Present." "Anita Bath." All right. Settle down. Anita Bath here? All right. Fine. Fine. Uh, "Maya Buttreeks."

Let the record show that the witness made the drinky-drinky motion.

Today we're going to talk about predicates... - and predicate nominatives. - Boring! Mr. Simpson, I'm trying to teach. Come on. These kids are never gonna use that stuff.

And that key he tied to the end of a kite?

Congratulations, Dad. The first step is admitting it. Is it also the last step? No. The last step is quitting. D'oh! Gee-- Very well.

Come on. I'm a decent guy. Why would anybody wanna touch a girl's butt? That's where cooties come from. Dad, I don't understand. What is she saying you did?

No! Homer is not okay-- And I want everyone in this plant to realize it. I would die a happy man if I could prove to you... that Homer Simpson has the intelligence of a six-year-old.

- Mister, I can't stand the sound of your voice. - Oh, really? Oh, now, now. There's no need to resort to violence. Aw, sure there is.

Dirksen, tuck in your shirt. Jaffee, spit out that gum. You really think it's a good idea to give that freak his job back? Ah, he seems to know the students' names.

Somebody had to take the babysitter home. Then I noticed she was sitting on-- her sweet can. I grab her-- sweet can. Oh, just thinking about-- her can. I just wish I-- sweet-- sweet-- s-s-sweet can. So, Mr. Simpson, you admit you grabbed her can.

"Well, Camus can do, but Sartre is smartre." So original. How droll. Yeah, well, Scooby-Doo can doo-doo, but jimmy Carter is smarter.

I know. You told me. And when I woke up this morning, I said, "Barney, you're not gonna lick that man's--" I'm so proud of you, Mr. Burns. You're getting your fortune back, and you're doing it without endangering the planet... or cozying up to the Aspen crowd. Oh, hold your accolades till the end of the tour.

So, you're one of those "Don't call me a chick" chicks, huh?

- Yes, Mother. - Good. Now, you hold Maggie. I'm going to buy some earrings at the gift shop. The subject of our first painting tonight is the most... foul, evil, vicious, diabolical beast to stalk the earth. Of course, I refer to--

I'm hiding from th-th-the ghost! Ghost? What ghost? B-B-Before the show, you said we were having a special "ghost" tonight. I said we were having a special "guest" tonight. Mr. Tim Conway! What's a Tim Conway? Oh, about a 120 pounds.

Hey, somebody screwed up bad. You've got all these big comics lined up for your show, but there's no Krusty. Who? Krusty the Clown. Funniest man alive, prince of pies, the sultan of seltzer? Excuse me, sir. Do you like to laugh?

Oh, no. Everything's ruined. Our good bellows. Our stereopticon. Squiggy! Homer! Your strop. Your strop!

Time to destroy your future. Feeling flu-ish, fever, nausea, child germs. No. Must participate in democratic process. (GROANS)

Back then I was known as Sergeant Simpson, and I commanded the Flying Hellfish, the fightingest squad in the fightingest company... in the third-fightingest battalion in the army.

All right! You guys are my new best friends. You wish, loser! (GRUNTS) (CLANKING) (HOMER LAUGHING)

Woo-hoo! (SCATTING)

Don't ask me. I don't know anything. I am product of American education system. I also build poor-quality cars and inferior-style electronics. Oh, they got our number.

Testing. Testing. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Hey.

Well, thank you, Ralph. You're such a fine, young gentleman. Help! She's touching my special area!

I'm a stupid moron with an ugly face and a big butt, and my butt smells and I like to kiss my own butt?

Silence! And why is a cafeteria worker posing as a nurse? I get two paychecks this way. D'oh. There's no detention this time, Simpson. This is the end. You are expelled from Springfield Elementary.

ALL: Huh? D'oh! (GRUNTING)

Hmm? Uh, excuse me. Sir? I think there's been a mistake. Oh, no. No mistake. Your electricity's in the name of Homer J. Simpson, deceased. The juice stays off till you get a job or a generator. Oh, and, uh, my deepest sympathies. Homer. That's my name.

Let's all calm down.

It's pretty tame by today's standards. Children ! Bedtime ! I guess I'll have no trouble gettin' to sleep tonight.

Now, take a seat, junior, and listen to someone... who gave their youth in service of their country. Mrs. Krabappel, the pledge, please. You haven't dealt with women for a long time, have you, Sergeant? Are you asking me out?

But how do I know I can trust you? Marge, look at me. We've been separated for a day, and I'm as dirty as a Frenchman.

Quick. You gotta hide me from PBS. Their bloodthirsty pursuit is made possible by a grant from the Chubb Group. Give us the money! Elmo knows where you live.

Hey, Cha-Cha, I got more features... than a NASA relief map of Turkmenistan. Isn't that the voice that caused all those suicides? Murder-suicides. Hey, how about 007? George Lazenby? No. Pierce Brosnan. A voice like his would give our house a much-needed touch of class.

Here's your baby back. Thanks, Moe. I'm sorry we thought you were a baby-napper. Or worse. Am I right? Hey, hey, the important thing is little Maggie is safe. Well, uh... I gotta get home. There might be a telemarketer calling or something. Uh-

Ooh-- Son of a-- Eee-- Ohh-- Ooh!

Get outta the way ! How come he's not ducking ? Wait a minute. I can't get my-- Get out of the way, stupid ! Homer ? Not now, Marge ! Get out of the corner ! They sent a note from school. What did you do this time, you little hoodlum ? Oops, get outta the way ! I didn't do it. Nobody saw me do it. There's no way they can prove anything.

into the mailbox.

Wow! Dad's been in jail six times! Aw, Mom's only been in twice.

The book does not contain hints on winning the lottery. It is a chilling tale of conformity gone mad.

You promised Lisa to help her with her costume. You made her cry. Then I cried. Then Maggie laughed. She's such a little trouper.

Doctor, are you sure it's on? I can't hear a thing. It's whisper quiet!

Absolutely. If you watch even one second of PBS and don't contribute, you're a thief-- a common thief! Okay, take it easy, Betty. Sorry, but these thieves make me so damn mad. You know who you are. Thieves!

Do you even know what button you pushed?! Sure-- moe.

Homer, we're separated now. You can't just walk in without knocking. Well, maybe I was partying so hard with my single friends last night, I forgot the rules. Could you please stop fighting in front of us? (EERILY) Why? Is it messing you up? Homer, just settle down.

Darryl. Darryl. Darryl. Darryl. - Darryl. - Darryl. Children, that's not very nice. Mom, they're professional athletes. They're used to this. It rolls right off their backs.

Oh, your "teef" hurt, huh? Your "teef" hurt? Well, that's too freakin' bad! I'll tell you where you can put your freakin' "sodie" too! Oh, my goodness! Ow! My freakin' ears! Oh, let's go, dear. Well, I expect that type of language at Denny's, but not here!

and some underground pipes take them into Moe's. Homer, that's very clever. Huh? Mom? Well, it is. I've known your father since high school, and this is the cleverest thing he's ever done. Besides, he's only breaking a silly, 200-year-old law. It is silly, Marge. And look at all the money I'm making!

Oh, I'm afraid this problem goes far beyond Eugene and Rusty.

and prepare for re-Neducation. Don't you remember, Dad? Flanders is the unquestioned lord and master of the world. D'oh!

Uh, Homer, you obviously went to a lot of trouble, but dating? It just feels way too soon. That's great! Chicks really dig sensitivity. Did you get that, Bart? Got it. Beautiful. And star wipe, and we're out. Hmm.

Bart? Huh? What's the matter? I had a bad dream. Could I sleep in your bed? No.

and you expect me to give you... how much? $800 billion. Well, that brought back a lot of memories.

So pack your things. You're moving in with Company "L." Company "L"! But they smell. Yes, we've all heard the chant. Now fall out!

Hey! Get your mouth off of that!

Oh, you'll miss plenty. I have a feeling this business...

Uh, little help? Sorry, Donkey Kong. You are just not a draw anymore. Hey, he's still got it!

- Oh, act your age. - Oh! You are so dead.

Well, you all know what laughter sounds like.

The only girl I ever loved invited me up to the tree house. She had something very important to tell me. I'm so happy. I just had to tell someone. I have a boyfriend.

And Bart was eagerly awaiting his first day of school. Don't worry be happy Look, Mama!

It's known as America's scrod basket.

You mean like the time you was running moonshine out of your basement? Or that telemarketing scam you pulled? Uh, like those. But involving you. Oh. You mean like the time Barney beat up George Bush? Barney? That was me! And I'd do it again.

What about Bob Hope? He's been consistently popular for over 50 years. So has Sinatra.

Or what? You'll release the dogs, or the bees, or the dogs with bees in their mouth, and when they bark, they shoot bees at you? Well, go ahead. Do your worst! My worst, eh? Smithers, release the robotic Richard Simmons.

Oh, that's good narration.

Huh? Hello? Hey, I'm stuck in here. I gotta think of a way to get out. Well, well, well. Look who's come crawling back.

Well, surely you agree we can do without her. No, I don't agree. No? How dare you question Mr. Burns. I'll handle it, Smithers. Shut up, little girl.

Well, it's been two hours. How do you feel? I don't know. I kind of want a cigarette. That's a good start. Let's get you a pack. What's your brand? Anything slim. Okay, that didn't work. But I know something that will.

or keeping clean in the shower. Homer! But don't take my word for it. Listen to this testimonial. Oh, I would date Ned in a second if I was a woman or gay. He looks like a cuddler, that Ned. I-i like that. I like to be held. I like to be pampered.

That should just about do it. Man alive. There's nothing better than a hamburger grilled to perfection--

Look, Scratchy! It's our new friend, Poochie! What's that name again? I forgot. The name's poochie D. and I rock the telly

Captain, we've been attacked by some sort of force ray! Space air is flooding in. Right. Goggles on!

All right, aim for the big hose coming out of his face. What, you mean the trunk? Easy there, college boy. Wait! Wait! My son, my husband and the Van Houten boy are in there! Sorry, ma'am. We dont negotiate with elephants.

Waterloo knowing my fate is to be with you Freeze! F.B.I. The jig is up. All right, I admit it. I am the Lindbergh baby. Waah! Waah! Goo, goo. I miss my fly-fly dada.

Looks like I'm gonna have to baptize you myself.

You're collecting days are over, Collector! Stop right there! I have here the only working phaser ever built. It was fired only once: to keep William Shatner from making another album. Stretch Dude! Help! just a sec.

Time to destroy your future. Feeling flu-ish, fever, nausea, child germs. No. Must participate in democratic process.

I think I'll just hit the hay.

Hey, you give me that contraption back! People who need people Are the luCkiest people in the world

f A nnouncer] i sure am hungry for my favorite food- f Homer's Voice] McNuggets.

"You will not see me again until I am a man."

(STUTTERS) Yes, Superintendent Chalmers? Do you know what today is? Today? Yes, of course I do! Happy birthday to you, happy... It not my birthday, Seymour. You know I'm a Sagittarius. Really? I'm a Libra. There's a lot of compatibility there.

Ooh-- Son of a-- Eee-- Ohh-- Ooh! Do you reject Satan and all his empty promises?

Thanks for waking me for the bookmobile, Terrence!

Where are we going? Where are we going? Okay, okay. Don't panic. To find Flanders, I just have to think like Flanders. I'm a big, four-eyed lame-o, and I wear the same stupid sweater every day, and-- The Springfield River! I once was lost

Fire it up, boys. Ha-ha! See you in hell, Seymour! Good-bye, Mother. How horrible!

What? I'm not fat enough already? How could you say that to me? (CRYING)

Listen to them laughing. This is so humiliating. I'm never gonna live this down. Damn Flanders. You know, Simpson, I feel kind of silly, but what the hey, you know ? It kind of reminds me of my good old fraternity days. Doh ! Oh, my God, he's enjoying it !

I must have that oil. Smithers, Smithers, help me subdue this... beast. Sorry, sir, this is all I could find. Take that and that! Please don't waste those.

I want my wife to get the best treatment money can buy. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Don't go nuts. Uh, better than that. Perfect.

I bet you had peanut butter for breakfast. Yeah. Samantha! Dad! Noooooo! Samantha, you're my little girl and sometimes my imagination runs away with me. just tell me what happened. Milhouse and I...

Did you hear that, Bart? Maybe it was just the cat. No, she's sleeping with me.

directed by some Swedish meatball.

- It's no shame being second to you. - Thank you, Lisa.

A group of school-aged Spartacuses has taken this camp by force.

You make me feel you make me feel like A natural woman

Nelson, what are you doing? I'm solving world hunger.

Now, Apu, Mrs. Simpson claims that she forgot... she was carrying that bottle of delicious bourbon, brownest of the brown liquors, so tempting. What's that? You want me to drink you? But I'm in the middle of a trial. Excuse me.

Six hours, 19 minutes right ascension, 14 degrees, 23 minutes declination. - No sighting. - Mm-hmm. Six hours, 19 minutes right ascension, 14 degrees, 58 minutes declination. No sighting. Did you get that one, Bart? - Hell, no. - Good.

The other dragons shall hear of this. HOMER: Hey, dragon, you fly like a girl! Go, go, go! (SIGHS) (NERVOUS MURMUR) Homer, I'm gonna need you to do something for me when we get to China. You name it, O wise mountain ape.

Shake, shake, shake shake, shake, shake Shake your booty shake your booty Come on, girls. Shake, shake, shake. Smithers, it's out of control. I'll take him out, sir.

Could you... give me a... handful of peanuts, - Maude ? - Oh, sure. Not those peanuts. The ones at the bottom. Oh, okay. Ahhh !

Well, take note of this. (CHOKING)

So let's get to know each other better. Do we have any alcoholics among us? Uh... me. Right here. I'm drunk right now. You'll be given a six-week treatment at our drying-out facility in Hawaii, after which you'll return at full pay. Oh, great! Great. Hey, maybe I'll marry Elizabeth Taylor.

This plant violates every labor law in the book. We found a missing Brazilian soccer team working in your reactor core. That plane crashed on my property!

I was. I told the guard that I was going out for a pack of cigarettes. Then I totally stabbed him. Mmm. You're looking good, baby.

Former president Gerald Ford? Put 'er there. I'm Homer Simpson. Say, Homer, do you like football? Do I ever! Do you like nachos?

Tookie, tookie, tookie Tookie, tookie-- Bert and Ernie left it to your imagination. Look. The room came with a fruit hat. Hey, and a minibar hat!

Well, this was a disaster. I should've known. The same thing happened on Saved by the Bell. Care for a milk? No, thank you. Martin, in light of this fiasco, you're going to have to resign as president. I'll have that milk now.

You're not afraid, are you? I had a bad experience with drugs. It was that golden weekend between summer school and regular school. Hey, Homer, want to smoke some marijuana? They say it's a gateway drug. Hmm-- Well, well. If it isn't the Doobie Brothers.

Hang on, Dad! D'oh! Ow! - Ow! - Look out!

We're gonna be late to the blooming ofthe Sumatran Century Flower. How come Lisa always gets to pick the family activity? Because I know every time you say "Pick a number from one to IO," it's always seven. That's because there were seven apostles. No, there were 12. Boy, that's a big staff. And still he wasnt that funny.

Jackanapes. Lollygaggers. Noodleheads! Enchantress!

Look closer, Lenny.

And this is Selma... dropping off our vacation Film to be developed. Thus concludes our Mexican odyssey. Hmm. Very thorough. I'm home, everybody !

Homer! Homer! Homer! Well, Mr. Burns had done it the power plant had won it

The only car that stopped was a hearse that thought I fell out.

Are the luCkiest people in the world with one person

Jiggy, robot, do-si-do. And close with a Matrix. Nobody pouts going into a jiggy. Yeah. That's stupid. I want to twirl! Aw, come on, guys. We've only got a few minutes. Uh-oh.

Oh, yeah? Ew! Lisa, honey, if it'll make you feel better, I'll destroy something Bart loves. - Hey! - Don't worry, Son. If that bothers you, I'll destroy something Maggie loves. Dad, you don't understand. This saxophone is like my oldest friend. I've had it for as long as I can remember.

I'm writing all your names on the detention list in my mind. Silence, Seymour! We're in charge now. Your reign of fussiness is over. Attention. The school is now under kid control. You are hereby ordered to go nuts!

Okay. Memorize these funny place names. Walla Walla, Keokuk, Cucamonga, Seattle. Stop it. You're killing me! Ah! Seattle!

Oh, no. Look at the line. Oh, there they are. Ah, it's the swindlers. The Simpsons. Ah, them stinkin' liars. Well, there goes Christmas dinner. Oh, head of the line.

Yoo-hoo, Mr. Robot. Dad, I think you're wrong about that robot trying to be your friend. Lisa, don't... contradict... your... elders.

because you have good intentions! - Hey, back off, man! - Oh, okay, dude! I wouldn't want you to have a cow, man! Here's a catchphrase you better learn for your adult years: "Hey, buddy, got a quarter?" I am shocked and appalled.

Now that's precarious! Boy, this is easy. Maybe I am the world's greatest acrobat. (ALL GASPING) (SCREAMING) (APPLAUDING)

Lisa, I want to buy your rock. Whoo-hoo! A perfect day! Zero bears and one big, fat, hairy paycheck.

Yes, sir. Remember that month you didn't do it? Yes, that was unpleasant for all concerned. Anyway, back to the checks. Stop everything! I don't remember writing a check for bowling. Hmm. The memo says, "To my pal, Pop 'n' Fresh." Oh, yes. That greedy, grasping glob of chemicals. Probably one of your ether-induced hallucinations, sir.

Armour hot dogs The dogs kids love to Bite Doesn't this family know any songs that aren't commercials?

I'm speaking with you because I am the most nonthreatening. Perhaps I remind you of lovable Sergeant Schultz on Hogan's Heroes. Oh, yeah. Yeah, he does. What is the best way to an efficient plant? - I don't know. - Well, uh... Search me. Happy workers who feel secure at their jobs--

Well, if you ask me, changing the subject... makes you the most worthless, heartless excuse for a human being I ever-- - Read between the lines, you fool ! - Oh ! Oh, I get it ! Okay. Here's 20 bucks. Now will you tell me where my brother lives ? I don't want your-- just take it and tell me ! Detroit. He lives in Detroit.

J; Uh-oh. That's toxic waste!

I'm looking for a Mrs. O'Problem, first name: Bea. Uh... just a minute, I'll check. Uh... Bea O'Problem? Bea O'Problem? Come on, guys. Do I have a Bea O'problem here? You sure do. Oh! It's you, isn't it?

For the ninth time, no! Wait a minute. This gives me an idea. Mm, here's a better sign, Dad. I don't have time to read it. just give me the gist of it, Son.

BART: Check it out. Principal Skinrash. Nice work, Bart, but give him a runny nose. I want the readers to gag on their morning cup of joe. Snot a problem, chief. Don't call me chief. - Sure thing, jerk. - Chief is fine. You're on the Morning Zoo with Bill and Marty!

Whoa! Wow. Hello? Hello, Mr. Halper. I'm calling from Money Bank Credit Services Department.

Damn you! Damn you all to hell!

After a tough day on the set, how do Itchy and Scratchy relax? With Laramie Extra-Tar Cigarettes. Here's your smokes, Mr. Itchy. Thank you, Louis. Mmm. Mm-hmm.

Now this next one's for the ladies. How many times have you gals been late for a high-powered business meeting... only to realize you're not wearing makeup? That's every woman's nightmare. That's why I invented this revolutionary makeup gun. It's for the woman who only has four-fifths of a second to get ready.

Huh? Lisa, stop blowing my sex-- I mean, stop blowing your sax. Your sax. Stop it.

In Springfield today, a sex scandal has brought in reporters from around the world. Why, here's Fox News. We are the champions My friend The cause of all this commotion is mayor and suspected illegal immigrant Joe Quimby,

All right, Nelson, what kind of journalism skills do you have? I don't know. Making nerds cry? Perfect. You're our TV critic. Ralph, what about you? I want to be a fire truck. How about a feature columnist? Yeah, I'm a feature columnist! (IMITATING SIREN BLARING) Good day.

It says so right here in black-and-white, "no witnesses." Case closed. Now, let's all read the funnies.

Yeah. But I'm a cop first, then a boat enthusiast, amateur historian, yo-yo dieter, then I'm a cop again... LISA: Help! Help! So much sulfur dioxide!

It's terrible-- all the traffic lights are out. Driving sure is dangerous. Yeah, tell me about it. I got some yuppie jerk-off headed right for me, yakkin' away on his cell phone. Huh! I hear that. I got some big shot barreling down on me. Hey! Who are you talkin' to, your boyfriend? Hey, jackass! Your voice sounds familiar!

Tremendous. I'm more worried about Al's jacket. How many stations can you get on that thing? All right. Listen. I am sick of your jokes about the wardrobe! You people can dress yourselves! Well, folks, he's got a point.

That girl with the lazy eye?

If this were a cartoon, the cliff would break off now. I'm thirsty.

Turn it down! We don't want to wake up Mom and Dad! Shh!

You'll caper like a stupid clown When you chance to see - 4th Street and "D" - Yeah Once you get a whiff of it You'll never want to roam

Okay, i hear that. i hear that, dudes! You too, Gracie music dude! Guh!

Howdy-do, neighbor! Good pipe weather. Thought I'd fire up the briar. Can't talk. Busy. Okilly-dokilly-do. Did you notice how slanted he looked? All part of God's great plan.

Lower! Lower! There goes my turn.

Found 'em! You kids are in big trouble, running away from home like this! But they stole our lemon tree! I don't care what excuse you've got. Nothing's gonna stop me in the middle of this speech. You're gonna-- Lemon tree? That tree's been in Springfield since the time of our forefathers.

Come on! It'll be fun! Wow! Now I have the energy to do anything! - Oh-oh! Uh, just give me two minutes. - Tsk! Oh! Jessica, I think this is too steep.

It's a two-party system. You have to vote for one of us. He's right. This is a two-party system. Well, I believe I'll vote for a third-party candidate. Go ahead. Throw your vote away.

Di-da. They haven't changed a bit, have they? As the weeks went on, so did the cartoons. Fresh chocolate chip cookies. Oh! Don't touch those yet. They're very, very hot.

Oh, glory of glories! Oh, heavenly testament to the eternal majesty of God's creation! Holy macaroni!

You know, somebody needs to learn your green ass some responsibility. Yeah! Now hold on, Kang. You can't bully my audience with your fancy ray gun. And now for my final thought.

Mitch, you're doin' a bang-up Job. Thank you, sir. Whoa. That isn't good. Stop the ride!

Stop your laughing! You're all banned! Banned I tell you!

Boy, everyone is stupid except me.

Homer, Mr. Burns gave me another raise today. The senile old fool.

Duh, stay out of Riverdale!

Bart, what are you doing ? Get down from there before the neighbors see-- Hey, Simpson.

Congratulations, Bart. You've just discovered a comet. Noooo! Noooo! Noooo!

Huh ? It's true ! The jar is empty ! Oh, my God ! We're ruined. Christmas is canceled. No presents for anyone !

Ee-eew. Lisa, the blob has got me! Don't touch me, or it'll get you too! Dad, you have to put chlorine in the water every day to keep it clean. Chlorine, eh?

I'm telling you, this cilantro really gives it a zing! Reg, there's no cilantro in it. Oh, God! - Man alive. This soup is out of control! - Oh. Hey! My-- My eyes. My beautiful eyes! Oh, that's it. I'm going home. Dom DeLuise can interview himself!

Bleeding Gums Murphy! Little Lisa. It's good to see you again.

It's awful bein' a kid. No one listens to ya. It's rotten bein' old. No one listens to ya! I'm a white male, aged 18 to 49. Everyone listens to me, no matter how dumb my suggestions are.

This one spent two hours in the broiler. Bart, sensible bites! All right, Lisa.

Hi, I'm Troy McClure. You may remember me from such educational films as Two Minus Three Equals Negative Fun! And Firecrackers: The Silent Killer. Mr. McClure? - Oh, hello, Bobby. - jimmy. I'm curious as to how meat gets from the ranch to my stomach.

Ow ! Quit it ! Used to be a real boss tattoo. But Mom had to spend all the Christmas money having it surgically removed. Huh ? It's true ! The jar is empty ! Oh, my God !

And I was the one who came up with the whole team idea. Me. I can't believe Otto picked up a 7-10 split. - He's phenomenal. Wow. - But--

Whoa, Nellie. We have ourselves a barn burner here today. Welcome to the 117th dust up between the Snortin' Swine of Springfield A&M... and the Springfield University Nittany Tide.

My father was the most respected man in the lower East Side of Springfield. People would come from miles around to ask his advice. Reb Krustofski, should I finish college? Yes. No one is poor except he who lacks knowledge. Rabbi, should I have another child?

- She's the queen of the harpies. - No, I'm not. - Queen of the harpies ! Here's your crown, Your Majesty ! - No, I'm not.

I will-- Whoa! Whoo! Whoo! Ooh! Ow! Ow! Ow! At least there were no big ones. Ay.

You keep squirming, there's going to be a little bald girl with no lollipop. I love it. I finally look like a real person. Thanks.

Moochie-moochie!

Time to destroy your future. Feeling flu-ish, fever, nausea, child germs. No. Must participate in democratic process.

Get out of the way. I will always love you I Will always love you

Oh, God! Cover up!

You know, all this walking is paying off. Look how healthy I am. You see? I'm finally thin enough... to wrap this thing around my arm. Good for you, Dad. Could you get me some syrup? Mmm. Hmm. You see? Before I probably would've driven to the syrup.

This film will self-destruct... if not properly stored. We believe Burns still has that bill hidden somewhere in his house. But all we've ascertained from satellite photos is that it's not on the roof. We're hoping that as his trusted employee, you can help lead us to it.

Last stop. End of the line.

judges. Run, Mom. She ain't gettin' the home version. I guess we better get used to being pariahs. There's no shame in being a pariah.

I know. I'll go to my room and think about what I did.

Walt Whitman? Damn you, Walt Whitman! I... hate... you, Walt... freakin'... Whitman! Leaves of Grass my ass! Wait a minute.

Lisa's bad dancing makes my feet sad.

"Friday's worse." Then he said, "How about Saturday?" I said, "Fine." True story. Yeah. I used to open for Krusty in '69. In fact, he fired me, as I recall.

That's all well and good, but it's not really your idea, is it now, Marge?

Oh, look who the new pet is. I've never been so happy.

You certainly have a lot of bowling trophies. I like you so much. They're not for bowling, Marge. You're so naive. They are for lovemaking. Really ? Yes.

The day after that then ? Seymour, you're touching me. - Kiss me, Patty. I don't have cooties. - Hyah ! Thursday I'm going food shopping. You can come along if you like. Until then.

Well, jay, I hope you tell your New York friends... that people in small towns aren't quite as dumb as they think. Marge, look! This has spring snakes inside, but the suckers will think it's beer nuts. Mmm. Beer nuts. D'oh!

Are we there yet ? Are we there yet ?

I now pronounce you President of these United-- Stop the inauguration! I just discovered our president-elect... got an "F" in second-grade gym class! In that case, I sentence you to a lifetime of horror on Monster Island. Don't worry. It's just a name.

Sounds good, Sis. just tell me what to do.

No, no. Dig up, stupid.

Yarr! I'm not attractive.

and swift hand. Oh, there's Mother now-- watching me. What's that, Mother? They have a right to be here. It's school business. I-- Mother, that sailor suit doesn't fit anymore!

- Up and atom. - Up and at them. Up and atom! Up and at them! - Up and atom! - Up and at them! Better. Hi, Milhouse! Hey, I want you to know...

Duff, the beer that makes the days fly by. Can't get enough of that wonderful Duff Duff beer Beer. Now there's a temporary solution.

Whoa-ho! Texas snowball fight! Ow! Bart, that has nuts in it. Hey, I thought your mother told you to take a bath. Yeah, Mom says a lot of things.

Stay away from me, Homer! Give me the bat, Marge. Give me the bat. Give me the bat. Come on. Give me the bat. Give me the bat, bat, ooh. Scaredy-cat.

Quadraphonic sound, a water bed, and now a strobe light. Gentlemen, say hello to the Second Base-Mobile. Wicked!

And this dialogue has none of the wit and sparkle of Murphy Brown. Hey, you know we're getting into golden time? Yes, well, just get it right... or you'll all be back doing Come Blow Your Horn at the Westport Dinner Theater. All right then. Let's see what the old Simpson family is up to now. Duh-oh!

Okay. This new ending-- That we shot last night-- is a little different than what we had, but I think you'll like it. It's missing some sound effects, and the computer guys haven't added the twinkle in my eye-- Mel, you're coming off desperate. Roll it, Louie! Here comes two!

Homer keep all money. Bye-bye, Neddy. All right, Homer.

Hey, Homer. That's four strikes in a row! - You got a perfect game going. - Really? Careful what you say, Lenny. You'll jinx it. All right. Sorry. Miss! Miss! Sorry. i was callin' the waitress. Ah, this split you sold me is makin' me choke. Lenny! What? I paid 7.10 for this split.

The most satisfying part was knowing that they waited.

And what are those men doing under my van? Look, lady, if I was you, I would just leap into the air, as I'm preparing to do.

About Lisa! Lisa Simpson is a girl at my school.

Nice work, boys. We can close the book on every unsolved crime in our fair city. Don't I get to call my lawyer? You watch too many movies, Sax.

Oh, Rhett. Where will I go? What'll I do? Frankly, my dear-- I love you. Let's remarry.

No, no, they're wrong! The creature they seek is the walking undead. Nosferatu. Das Vampyr. A vampire! Lisa, vampires are make-believe. just like elves, gremlins and Eskimos.

They always pick the guy with the wires.

Hey, we're just trying to pay the bills, Homer. I mean, we're still hippies at heart.

Now, how about a big welcome for Buddy "Fallout Boy" Hodges ? Any questions ? When Radioactive Man got injected with shrinking serum in issue 234, how come his costume shrinks too ? I am sure I don't know, but I did just finish... playing Rum Tum Tugger in the second national touring company of Cats.

You guys are way off. It's a secret lab where they take the brains out of zombies... and put 'em in the heads of other zombies to create a race of super-zombies.

J; Now, a guitar has many, many nicknames: an ax, a gitbox- I guess that's it. Anyway, we're gonna start with the fundamentals: playing a burning guitar with your teeth. All right! Fire!

Sorry. We're not allowed to read newspapers. They angry up the blood. You! The troublemaking girl.

I am the "ow" in the word "now."

Lousy "Smarch" weather. "Do not touch Willie." Good advice.

She was looking at Nelson! Lisa likes Nelson! She does not! Milhouse likes Lisa! He does not! janie likes Milhouse! She does not! Uter likes Milhouse! Nobody likes Milhouse! Lisa, you've got detention.

There are many prominent Jewish entertainers including Lauren Bacall, Dinah Shore, William Shatner and Mel Brooks. Mel Brooks is jewish?!

Put on your virtual reality helmets. Mmm, excellent. Hello, Lisa. I'm Genghis Khan. You'll go where I go, defile what I defile, eat who I eat. Hmm?

That's damn fine coffee you got here in Twin Peaks... and damn good cherry pie. Brilliant.

Here we are. - You didn't have to drop me off. - But I wanted to. Marge, do you know how beautiful you look in the moonlight ? Oh, jacques. I'm a married woman. I know. I know. My mind says, "Stop," but my heart... and my hips cry, "Proceed."

Would you like to watch the fight ? The fight ? Don't mind if I do. Oh, Simpson, good news. I brought some munchies. Smithers, the Chee-tos. Aah ! Our event is set to commence. In but a few scant minutes, the anticipated--

"Yello." Marge, please. Who's this ? May I please speak to Marge ? This is her sister, isn't it ? Is Marge there ? Who shall I say is calling ? Marge, please. It's your sister. Oh ! Hello. Hello, Marge. It's Patty.

Easy... Gentle... (THUDDING) (SPLASHING) Ay, caramba!

Quick, quick. No time to cook them. They will plump in my stomach.

Shake, shake, shake shake, shake, shake

Not the elephants!

The economic slump began last spring, when the government closed Fort Springfield, devastating the city's liquor and prostitution industries. Now, at the risk of being unpopular, this reporter places the blame for all this squarely on you, the viewers.

where the smiles are free, don't you know, Sven Inqvist studied the menu. Finally, he ordered the same thing he has every day. Maybe it's the TV. Stupid TV. Be more funny!

I dub thee Sir-- Urgent call for Mr. Clown. This better be important. Oy, gevalt!

Flanders! What? What is it? Game's out there! Made you look. Ohh! They're just words, Neddie. Words can't hurt you. Ow! That's it!

Lisa, it's time you learned the truth about men. They're pigs? The bitterness is strong in this one.

Yeah. If I wasn't so spineless, I'd march into Mr. Burns' office right now and-- Simpson ! Aah !

Oh, man! Oh, my throat doctor says I'm not supposed to do that anymore.

(SIGHING) Birthday? (SIREN BLARING) (SENIORS GASPING) Yo, yo, yo! Give it up for M.C. Birthday! I say a birth, a day, a birth-a-de-day Now my good time gang will blow you away

Homer, there's a family of possums in here. I call the big one Bitey.

Hi, kids. I love-- Aaah! Aaah!

I could walk up to the president and blow smoke in his stupid monkey face, and he'd just have to sit there groovin' on it.

Now, about your punishment, young man. I know. I'll go to my room and think about what I did. Oh, no, your room is full of toys. You're going to the, uh, garage. You're the boss.

I'm sorry, Lisa, but giving everyone an equal part... when they're clearly not equal is called what again, class? Communism! That's right.

Oh! Ow, my leg!

Freedom! Bloodshed!

Hi, bean sprouts.

"All you can eat." Ha! Mr. Simpson, this is the most blatant case of fraudulent advertising... since my suit against the film The Neverending Story. So, do you think I have a case?

Flanders, what's your birthday? Oh, leave me out of this, Homer. Games of chance are strictly forbidden by Deuteronomy 7. Seven, eh? Seven a winner. Way to go, Flanders. The Bible's finally pulling its weight. Got any more holy numbers?

You know how much glass is in here?

I'm not much on speeches, but it's so gratifying... to leave you wallowing in the mess you've made. You're screwed. Thank you. Bye. He's right. He ain't much on speeches.

That pig looks like Lenny. Hey! Mmm! That's the next best thing to eating Lenny.

Death? We don't want any. I have come for Bart Simpson. Bart, run like the (MISPRONOUNCING) wind!

Who knows? I may even grow to... love him. Bartholomew! Ugh! Smithers, get it off me! Bart, you're coming home. I want to stay here with Mr. Burns. I suggest you leave immediately. Or what? You'll release the dogs or the bees,

Sir, are you all right? l have eaten the ribs of God!

Sounds like that gopher I caught in me lawn mower. Ew, I'd hate to be that kid's father.

For there will be no fire truck for little Bart, no sweater for little Lisa, no Cajun sausage for little Homer. So while you're home today... eating your sweet, sweet holiday turkey, I hope you'll all choke just a little bit.

This year I am ready for him. Hello, Chief. Afternoon, Homer. Care for some chili? I've added an extra ingredient just for you.

And now, the local lug who fills your mug with the drug you chug-- oh, yeah-- give it up for Moe Szyslak. Hello, Springfield. How ya-- Whoo-hoo-hoo!

Shut up ! I'm over as far as I can go. All right ! All right ! I'll walk in the mud ! - Homer ? - Marge ? Yeah. You want a ride ? Sure.

Hit the road, gramps. This is a private skybox. I'm Rupert Murdoch, the billionaire tyrant. And this is my skybox. If you're Rupert Murdoch, prove it. Hi, Rupert! Uh-oh. Well, I'm convinced.

Well, sure we have, but the decision to have a child is not to be made lightly.

What's wrong? Every time Mr. Burns has a birthday, all his employees have to help out at the party, and I always get some terrible job. Where is that dreaded piÑata? Ow! Ow! Ow! Missed me. Heh-heh! Ow! Hmm!

Here comes "two."

You don't even care ! You don't even care ! All right, Bart ! That's it ! Go to your room now !

there he sitS with A pen and A yellow pad what A handsome lad that's my boy e-r-l-f-d spells "mom" and "dad"

Reminds me of a tall tale about two scalawags...

Uh-oh! Somebody's got tired little legs. Hm! Uhh! Hmm. I wonder where the flip-flops are? Menswear? Maybe it's Sporting Goods. Wait, no, Sleepwear.

Jingle bell, jingle bell jingle bell rock Lisa, you promised they'd be miserable. What the hell's going on? Oh, the pharmaceutical man come by and he shot us full of Christmas cheer. I can't feel nothing below my chin. Jingle bell, jingle bell jingle bell

Oh, there's Krusty the Clown. Krusty! Krusty, say something funny. Oh, gee, a joke, huh? Um... uh... funny... Okay, this guy walks into a bar... and takes out a tiny piano and a 12-inch pianist... Oh, no, wait. I can't tell that one.

crying to heaven and Will our voices be heard or Will they break like the Wind? Medium setting.

Yeah, all right, Moe! That's my Moo!

Piece of cake. All we have to do is follow the path of destruction. Oh, stupid tornado! Look. It got Patty and Selma. - I feel it all the way up my skirt. - Ditto.

Ow! My eye! I'm not supposed to get pudding in it! That was capital. My lung is aching. I liked when I threw the pudding.

Snooze. Need more snooze.

The only thing I'm fit to take care of is a house plant. Lousy house plant! You son of a -- I'll teach you to-- D'oh-- YOu--

Tonight, on MacGyver... MacGyver... MacGyver... MacGyver... Aunt Selma has one hour to live. Hey, down in front.

Cool! She'll be a freak. Bart! We can stick her in a trailer, drive her around the South and charge two bits a gander. Now stay tuned for professional wrestling live from the Springfield Grapplarium. Tonight, a Texas death match-- Dr. Hillbilly versus The Iron Yuppie!

It's always about the Indians, isn't it, Lise? Dear Santa, if you bring me lots of good stuff, I promise not to do anything bad... between now and when I wake up, amen. Ow! I'll kill you.

I gave him away.

Well, sir, just apply a smidgen of peanut butter to an ordinary pine cone, and you've got yourself a makeshift bird feeder, sir. I'm outta here, man.

Marge, if you can find it in your heart to accept me for who I am, I would love to see you at the ceremony. If not, I'll see you at Homer's funeral. - (BUZZING) - (GRUNTS) (GIGGLES) Which should be pretty soon. HOMER: (GRUNTS) Got him! Uh-oh.

Let's try 'em together. Maybe the red one. What-- How did I get here? We found you smoldering in the bushes.

Well, I guess it's up to Ralph to stop Goliath. Goliath II is really gonna pay!

Well, don't you worry, darlin'. I got some baby cuffs in the station. Look. This is our chance. Let's go! You can't drive, Dad. He's got your license. I'm gonna try anyway. It worked! It's a miracle!

- There you go. - Get him up there. Go! Go! Go! We're number one! - Give me a "P"! - "P"! Go! Go! Go! "P"! "P"! "P"!

Hi, Willie. My board! It's Willie's board now. And she'll make a fine piece of kindlin'. Sorry. Willie can't hear ya.

Now, let's give it up for table five! Ah, ah, ah, ah Table five, table five Ah, ah, ah, ah

And I'm so touched that all of you would take the time to... Eat my shorts, lame-os! (CHUCKLES) Oh! (STRAINING) Help! Kidnappers! They're not kidnappers.

Big game fever is reaching a fevered pitch... as the fevered rivalry between Springfield U and Springfield A&M spreads like wild fever--

As you can see, Simpson, I have taken over all 78 channels, and you won't see any of your favorite shows again until you give in! Whoa! That bites. Holy crap! What's that you say? You can live without television... as long as you have beer? That's right. Wrong.

I don't believe this. "I will never watch your show, buy any of your products... or brake if I see you crossing the street." Wow, that's cold. "Dear Sleaze Merchant--" Oh, come on. That hurts.

He's not the Baron. But he sounds drunk. Take him in. Are you the Beer Baron? Yes, but only by night. By day, I'm a mild-mannered reporter for a major metropolitan newspaper. Don't crack wise with me, tubby. Tubby? Oh, yes, tubby.

in everything from watchmaking to watch repair. Boring. Oh, no! The batteries! Now let's look at the crew a little. They're a colorful bunch. They've been dubbed the Three Musketeers. And we laugh legitimately. There's a mathematician, a different kind of mathematician and a statistician.

(GRUNTS) (GROANS) SEYMOUR: Behold, children, the majesty of Springfield Glacier. Crane your necks skyward to behold its icy glory. (FROG CROAKING) What happened to the glacier? It's nearly melted.

No, not at all. In fact, one of my guilty little pleasures... is to snuggle up with a big bucket of buttered popcorn, dim the lights, turn on itchy & Scratchy and laugh myself silly. And what the hell is wrong with that ? Not a thing. Now, for another opinion.

How can that old man... hit so far? Now, keep your head down. Ignore all distractions.

Oh, the Simpsons. Well, they're not getting back in here. Ohh.

Uh, Bart, would you wager your cupcake against my--

Arr! Here be a fine vessel, the yarest river-goin' boat there be. I'll take it. Arr. I don't know what I'm doin'.

Oh! That smells worse than James Coco’s ski boots! Oh, yeah. That's mildly better.

Now completely free of "Mad Fish Disease." Fish? I don't know. I'm not really a vegetarian. Please order or Miss Dench'll be furious. She'll beat us, she will. JUDI DENCH: Who are you talking to? TEEN: No one, Mum! I swear! JUDI DENCH: I'll "mum" you! (CRYING OUT IN PAIN) TEEN: Blimey!

Don't be scared, jub jub. It's Mama.

Oh, those Golden Grahams Oh, those Golden Grahams Crispy, crunchy graham cereal Brand-new breakfast treat

Get ready, everybody. He's about to do something stupid.

Hello. Are you Don Mattingly? Yes. Yes, I am. Come in. Come in. Can I get you something? What's your name?

Lanley hired me to build his monorail. He cut corners everywhere-- bad wiring, faulty brakes. And the celebrity on the maiden voyage was Gallagher. This is all that's left... of one of the crappiest trains ever built.

Whoo-hoo! Good sense, innocence cripple mankind dead kings, many things I can't define Ohh. We're never gonna freak anybody out with this music. I brought something from my personal stash that'll blow some minds.

All I'm saying is don't get too comfortable. Mr. Burns will be back tomorrow. Marge, you're right. We do have to have a party! Party? No! No parties! What about par-tay? No par-tays, no shindigs, no keggers, no hootenannies,

So technically it's true. That's what makes it so funny. Pardon me a moment. Ha-ha! Hey, Nelson, he's really hurt. I think he broke his leg. I said "Ha-ha!"

Well, kids, we all know that sometimes when cartoon characters die, they're back again the very next week. That's why I'm presenting this sworn affidavit... that Poochie will never, ever, ever return! This document conforms to all applicable laws and statutes.

ANNOUNCER: Disclaimer. All ballots were lost and vote totals made up. The first contestant eliminated is Katie Anderson! (SOBS) (LAUGHS) Katie, you were the first victim of the Buzz Cola trap door. Fall into the flavor hole!

And should there be a request for an encore, we will reprise "Pop Goes the Weasel." Otherwise, we will file out quietly. And that's how Willie waters.

I have every right to be on that jury, even though I got there because I'm sleeping with the head of the festival. How many times have I heard Rex Reed say that? Oh, great. Now you're gonna make fun of me. No, Homer, I won't make fun.

Then came the big day. Fluffy and Fuzzy got married. That night came the honeymoon. Eww! She's faking it. The most satisfying part was knowing that they waited.

Chugalug, chugalug, chugalug. Chugalug, chugalug, chugalug, chugalug, chugalug.

I'll do it this afternoon.

We got a great big convoy Rocking through the night We got a great big convoy Ain't she a beautiful sight? Convoy Quit it, Dad!

Uh-- I don't know if I want you in here no more, Homer. I got a lot of secrets I'd prefer to keep clandestine. Uh-- Terrible, disturbing secrets. So hungry. I smell another Pulitzer.

"Don't do what Donny Don't does." They could've made this clearer. Oh! They won't let you have any fun. Well! If it isn't the leader of the wiener patrol...

It looks like the lake is the place to be, huh? Well, if we'd left at 4:00 a.m like I wanted to-- Dad, you really should be watching the road. Hey, Homer. Enough traffic for you? Homer, your spine. Hey, pfft. Screw this.

Look who's in my fart-- O.J.

My baby. My darling, I Can't get enough of your love, babe girl, I don't know i don't know why can't get enough of your love, babe

Jingle bell, jingle bell jingle bell

Sharing is a bunch of bull too. And helping others. And what's all this crap I've been hearing about tolerance? Hmm. Your ideas are intriguing to me, and I wish to subscribe to your newsletter.

Hey! Don't worry! We'll catch him or run him over trying!

Okay. I'll go quietly. Did you really have to handcuff the children? No, ma'am, I did not. You seemed so understanding before. What happened to "boys will be boys"? You see, during spring break, the beer companies pay me to look the other way.

Homer! Homer! Homer! Homer! just try to remain inconspicuous. What's he saying? Uh, he's saying, uh, we wouldn't dream of sacrificing the blue-haired woman. Oh, well, isn't that-- Whoa! Mm-hmm.

Sign our petition!

Oh-- What was I laughing at now?

Ready! Mom, do something! Aim! I’ve gotta stop them from shooting! l- I don- Lisa, dont hate me for this. Continue aiming. Still aiming. Hey, cops! Check out this all points bulletin!

Yeah, guys like me. Who are you anyway? Do the words "executive producer" mean anything to you? - Executive producer? - We'll talk. You've desecrated a classic film. This is worse than Godfather iii. Whoa. Whoa. Hey, whoa. Let's not say things we can't take back. All right, all right. I'm sorry. But this film is never going to see the light of day.

Horse-riding lessons, the finest makeup, delicious studio food.

Oh, good. He snagged that tree branch. Oh, no! The branch broke off. Oh, good. He can grab onto them pointy rocks. Oh, no. Them rocks broke his arms and legs! Oh, good. Those helpful beavers are swimming out to save him. Oh, no. They're biting him and stealing his pants.

Now play. The audience is gettin' restless. We want Chilly Willy! We want Chilly Willy!

Oh, nuts! We lost him. I told you we shouldn't have gone for long-term parking. Hey, look! It's Elton john! We had to make an emergency landing. It's that damn chandelier again.

Shut up your face. What's-a matta, you? You ain't so big. Me and him are gonna whack you in the labonza! Bad grammar overload! Error! Error! What the hell!

Gina, before we get any closer, there's something you need to know about me. I think girls are icky pants. It took a lot of courage to say that. Courage I'm gonna pinch outta you.

That guy's a genius! He's gonna change the way we think about getting hit by pies! Chumley, you're hired.

Lovely to Love Your Lovin', and Simpsons Christmas Boogie went mega-platinum and swept the Grammys. Right. And the award for Best Hard-core Thrash Metal goes to... Simpsons Christmas Boogie? Simpsons Christmas Boogie

Our oldest resident, Cornelius Chapman. Cornelius Chapman built the first log cabin in Springfield... and introduced the toothbrush to our fair City. Hey! Not bad! For years, he was Springfield's only basketball player,

I'm surprised he doesn't try to blame his problems on his Percodan addiction. It wasn't my fault. It was the Percodan. If you ask me, that stuff rots your brain. And now, a word from our new sponsor. Percodan? Aw, crap!

Think of me when you're having the best sex of your life!

Ow! Watch it, coney! Whoops. Do you see a light, Homer? Yes. Move into the light, my son. Ow!

A-- Don't make me come up there. men. Whoo-hoo! Let me outta here. The guy never stops talking. Oh! I'm starving. Mom, can we go Catholic so we can get Communion wafers and booze? No. No one's going Catholic.

Sorry, pal. Doh ! Mr. Simpson, was that you taking that cowardly dive... into that display of heavily-salted snack treats ? - Yes, sir. - Do you recognize the gunman in this courtroom today ? Yes, I do.

Time to reap the benefits of bein' cool. I don't believe this. Everyone's got an earring. My neck hurts, and my ear hurts. I have two owies.

Is this a sham marriage? Sure, baby. Is that a problemo? You married me just to help your career? You make it sound so sordid. - Look, don't we have a good time together? - Yes, but-- Don't you have everything you ever wanted here?

Krusty wants out! No. The world needs laughter. Are we gonna die, son? Yeah. But at least we'll take a lot of innocent people with us.

All right, you balls of pan drippings! I want to see Crisco coming out of those pores! We're not leaving until this Christmas ham gives me a pull-up. Hail to thee kamp krusty

I don't care. His mom doesn't care. Do any of you care?

That guy cheapens our whole profession. What do you think of him, Internet Comic?

We're alone now. BART: You're never alone in this crap shack! Why, you little... (BART CHOKING)

State schools got their share too. Here, lottery officials present Springfield Elementary with a brand-new eraser. One eraser? I'm used to my government betraying me. I was in 'Nam. I served for-- And speaking of lotteries here are the winning numbers for this week's $40,000 jackpot.

Fine! I'm dead.

We found this one swimming naked in the Fermentarium. I am the Lizard Queen!

I'm an idiot. What am I gonna tell my wife and kids?

Everybody wins.

Don't tell anyone, but, uh, Marge Simpson was arrested for shoplifting. Let the word go forth from this time and place, Marge Simpson is a shoplifter.

So, Twiggy, I hear you and your husband, Woody, just had a baby. What did you name him? Chip. Take it off! - All right, Dad. You've been warned. Let's go. - Hey! - Come on. - Easy.

It's not without it's charm. Try lighting it on fire. Hmm?! Wow! Homer, it's like there's a party in my mouth and everyone's invited.

"You will not see me again until I am a man." Oh, Homer... Homer! We're all in shock. I thought he'd tWo-time you for a while first.

(SCREAMS) What are you doing? Keeping Lisa from destroying her life. Come on, let her destroy it. (GRUNTS) Oh!

If you're headin' for the medicine cabinet, I already been there. What the hell's goin' on? Well, we hated being mad at you, Homer. So we decided to make things right. Consider your debt repaid, neighbor. And then some.

Homer "The Human Punching Bag" Simpson ! Doh ! Stupid joystick ! Three seconds, folks. A new record. Hey, no. I'm not down. I'm-- Get up, you ! Get off the mat. Okay. Here we go. Yo, chump, you back again ?

Homer, sign this application and you're a Shoo-in. That dog has somebody's ham! This I gotta see! Give me that ham, you stupid dog!

Questions? Yes. As if she were trying to unravel a tapestry of deceit. (CAMERA CLICKING) All right, people. We got a situation here. Your daughter's gonna blow our whole deal sky high. You leave Maggie to me.

I just couldn't cut it today. All I wanted was a little version of me... that I could hold in my arms. Oh, jub jub. When I went to pick him up, Mom was trying to stab him with a hat pin.

I didn't do it.

Well, take note of this. (CHOKING) (CHUCKLES) (CHOKING) (CHUCKLES) (SIGHS) Bart really did get 100.

Then came the day we knew we were finished. Gentlemen, Us magazine just came out with its what's hot and what's not issue. Are we hot? We are not. We all went our separate ways.

(BEEPING) Oh, I'm wrong again! I'm nothing but a big, fat... Woo-hoo! I was right! And there's the Earth. So beautiful with your many rings.

Oh, my God! That's his lucky red hat! He's a box! My boy's a box! Damn you! A box!

Oh, don't worry, folks. We'll find your wallet. Dogs! Chief, you're getting powdered sugar all over my floor. No, I'm not. No, I'm not. I'm, um-- - dusting for prints. - Ahh.

You’d think so, but no.

"Beer goggles. See the world through the eyes of a drunk!" Wow! You're charming the pants off of me. What did you say, Aunt Selma?

Ah, this'll never work. I love you, Marjorie. Oh, Homer. I love you too. Mmmwha !

(GROANING) Everyone chickened out. Except Ralph. He got poached by the Chicago Tribune. I guess we're down to just me. Take the sob sister act somewhere else. You're standing in my light. Bart, you're staying! Lise, I've learned a valuable lesson here,

who needs the kwik-e-mart

I will now transport Sir Isaac Newton into the modern day. Warning! Power failure! Oh! Oh! Sweet glayvin! Oh, good God! Hey, wait, wait, wait! Ow! Oh! Oh! Sir Isaac's legs are hurting!

Folks, we print more than 18 million bills a day. Oh, and in case you were wondering, no, we don't give out free samples. Lousy, cheap country.

But there weren't enough vegetables left to fill that order.

Didn't you just die when you found these? Not really. They just had corn on them. Kitchen, corn. Oh! - Ha! - Ow!

That sounds like a lie. Hello, police? I think my house killed my husband. This is Constable Wiggums. We'll be right there. Remove your knickers and wait in the bath.

Found 'em! You kids are in big trouble, running away from home like this!

I was wrong about you buying that truck. I'm very proud of you, Mr. Plow. This might sound silly, but just for a change, would you mind-- Cutting my nails? Brushing my teeth?

Boo! Oh, boo yourself.

Oh, come on, Luann. You know what this is. Kirk, I don't know what it is. Oy! It could not be more simple, Luann. Do you want me to show this to the cat and have the cat tell you what it is? 'Cause the cat's gonna get it. I'm sorry. I'm not as smart as you, Kirk. We didn't all go to Gudger College.

We gotta clean this up before Mom gets back. No problemo. We'll just sweep it all under the rug. Hey, watch it.

Ye old town crier proclaimed crappy by all. Chooseth Homer Simpson, and he shalt rock thy world. Good God! He is fabulous. Mmm. He's "embiggened" that role with his "cromulent" performance.

Mayor Quimby, Krusty, jay. Marge, do you respect my intelligence? - Yes. - Okay. Wait a minute. Why did it take you so long to say yes?

Bart, stop being confident. Doggone it! Ohh. Oh, Grampa. I'm starving! Somebody bring me some food quick!

We passed this card around at work. Gee, thanks, guys. They had a hell of a time replacing ya.

Yeah, good. That raccoon stole my lamb chop!

Uh, do I have to be gang-probed? Would you rather tell Maude the truth? What did the aliens look like? Well, I only saw them from the back... 'cause they were so busy gang-probing you. Well, hello, little birdies. - Not the eyes! - My eyes! Cover your eyes!

Mr. Burns, you wanted to see me? Uh, actually, I was wondering if you were free... for a little get-together tonight. Dinner, dancing, and... Mr. Tom jones. Hello, Marge. That's it.

Congratulations. I am the emperor. Yeah? And I'm "clobber-saurus." All hail Emperor Clobbersaurus.

Oh, you like my music?

Hey, Cha-Cha, I got more features... than a NASA relief map of Turkmenistan. Isn't that the voice that caused all those suicides? Murder-suicides.

Any experience? Yes. I played Panicky Idiot Number Two in The Poseidon Adventure. Sorry, we're looking for more of a "duh, duh" idiot. But-- I see.

except they're on the Gabbo Show now. So, here's Eastern Europe's favorite cat and mouse team, Worker and Parasite!

I hit it! I hit it! My cans. My precious, antique cans. Aw, look what you done to 'em. Well, it's getting late. Maybe we should call it a night.

"A Time to Kill." Titles are hard.

Er, um, I mean, no. No. Well, where's my dad?

I'd like 25 copies on goldenrod-- Right. - um, 25 on canary-- - Canary. - 25 on saffron-- - Mm-hmm. and 25 on paella. Okay. 100 yellow.

would you mind hanging my coat up on the wall, please? Mm-hmm. Um, uh, let's see. Um, uh-- Relax, Homer. At Globex, we don't believe in walls. Matter of fact, I didn't even give you my coat. Hmm? Wow.

Oh, yeah? Well-- hyperbolic paraboloid-- your mama. Yeah, I got a question for that gross thing, whatever it is. Homer. Nah, the green dude. If you're that baby's daddy, where you been at?

Homer, where's the dog? I tied him up out back.

Mom, remember when I was little, we'd always plan my dream wedding, and you always promised to... you know, well, keep Dad from ruining it? Oh, don't worry, honey. I guarantee your father will behave. Mom, it's a picture phone. This? This? Oh, no. - I've just got a touch of the rheumatiz. - Oh.

Oh, hi, girls. Hi, Daddy.

Whoa! Come on, kids. Let's try the lights.

Mmm. Uh, jimbo, why don't you... assist Lunch Lady Doris in the kitchen. - Bite me, Skinner. - Well might we. It's hard for me to clean this giant pot... when you keep spilling meat tenderizer all over me. Oh, great. Now I gotta work in the dark.

Gay. Gay for pay. Gay. Tennessee Williams? But how did he survive in the world oftheater? Homer, pul-leeze. Practically everyone who’s acted in, produced or even seen a play is gay. Uh, Homer, I think you should see this. Homie, I tried to tell you how I feel... but I cant find the right words.

Now, Marge, you can't blame all of Bart's problems on your one little speech. If anything turned him bad, it's that time... you let him wear a bathing suit instead of underwear. And let's not forget your little speech.

You gotta slow your car down and let me in because I'm a big fat guy and I can't go anywhere. Because there's gonna be some poison gas. There's gonna be really poison gas. Everybody's gonna be dead, especially me! D'oh! The ice-cream man. You gotta let me in your car and drive me-- Take anything you want, man! Take it all!

Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. I'm afraid classes may be canceled today. Look!

At my age, I don't have much saliva left, so you'll have to lick my thumb before I can turn the page. Oh. Can't I just turn the page for you? No! But you can pick out any picture you want to take home with you. - Okay. That one. - No! Ow! You can't have that one! That's a coconut cake!

That's very good. And that's true too. It's funny and true. Now behind that door is Edison's actual preserved brain. Ordinarily, folks, tour groups are not allowed to see it,

Morphine, please.

Recruit my heart Four sweet years of love Everybody ball walk! Oh, yeah! Looking good, guys. And... double time!

You think those things could also have contributed to my fear of flying? Yes, yes. It's all a rich tapestry.

He is quite a charmer. Your father's certainly taken a shine to him. Oh! Homer, you are the living end. Oh! That john is the greatest guy in the world.

The older they get, the cuter they ain't.

Homer, I've a proposition for ye, fair and true. Come on, Marge. Let the people see your pretty face. Come see "Bottomless Pete," nature's cruelest mistake. Come for the freak, stay for the food. Oh, he's hideous! I heard they shaved a gorilla.

Alone! I'm alone!

Exactly. D'oh! - Next! - ¡Excellente! Es muy bueno. Oh, it's hopeless. I'll have to play myself. Oh, I thought they were playing... The Rocky Horror Picture Show tonight.

Possibly while high! Cypress Hill, I'm looking in your direction. Hey, man, did we order an orchestra? What's up with this orchestra? Where'd the orchestra come from, man? I don't know. You didn't tell me about this, man. We gotta do somethin'. Uh, yeah, we think we did.

Uh, we'll try this again tomorrow.

Oh, my, what's that smell? Oh, it's you.

Let's go now, Mr. Puente. Chocolate microscopes? You know those guitars that are, like, double guitars, you know? More rubber stamps. Principal Skinner, this is your secretary. There is one last student here to see you. That's odd. I don't have a secretary or an intercom.

But it's also a constant battle for moral superiority. So I cant apologize. Couldnt you just say you’re sorry and not mean it? I do it all the time. I dont think I’ve ever meant it. Bart, that's not right. Sorry, Mom. See? ts that easy. Hmm.

No. Homework's not my father's specialty. There's no shame in it. My dad-- Not mine. You didn't let me finish. Unless the next word was "burp," you didn't have to.

Why do we live in a town where the smartest have no power... and the stupidest run everything? - Maybe I should just move back to Alabama. - No.

Homer, whoa, whoa! Homer! Change of plans. Whatever.

Aah ! Mr. Burns wants you to march into his office right now. Uh-oh. Ah, Simpson. At last we meet. It's, uh, nice to meet you too, sir. Yes. My attorneys have advised me to pay you... for running over your child, so I'm cutting you a check. Really ? Great !

Back to the wing. Back to the center. Center holds it. Holds it. Holds it.

No. Homework's not my father's specialty. There's no shame in it. My dad-- Not mine. You didn't let me finish. Unless the next word was "burp," you didn't have to. In a sample taken in this very classroom, a state inspector found 1.74 parts per million of asbestos-- That's not enough ! We demand more asbestos !

He worked at the United Strut and Bracing Works as a molders boy... until he was replaced by a Moldermatic and died.

Hurry up! I can't stand here jabbing you all day. Please-- Ow! Stop. Bag boys have feelings too, you know. No, you don't. Excuse me. Is there a problem here? No, I can handle it. - I'll get you, squealer. - Ow!

I'm a level-five vegan. I won't eat anything that casts a shadow.

Hold it. What's your clearance? We just wanna get a snack. Access denied. But, Dad-- Homer, I don't want you using your new sleeper hold on the children. They'll be fine in half an hour. That's not the point. And another thing--

Oh, nuts. What do I do? What do I do? If you want to go right move the joy stick left. Yes. Move the... What's a joy stick? Oh, oh! Here comes a Xylon cruiser! Go into hyperspace! Wait! Where's the hyperspace?

Oh, my Lord! Oh, isn't that cute. A baby driving a car.

You're afraid to be human. Oh, now, why would I be afraid of that? Because humans are obnoxious sometimes, humans hate things. Well, maybe a few of them do... back east. I can't find what Homer's saying. Did you write that? Um, did you like it? Come on, Flanders. There's got to be something you hate.

This is Arnie Pie with Arnie in the Sky. We've got big problems on the Springfield Memorial Bridge. Traffic going waaay back in both directions. And look out at 14th and Elm. I just dropped my bagel.

- Mm-hmm. - Good. Can you wax the car?

Oh, man. Oh, man. We killed Mr. Burns! Mr. Burns is gonna be so mad!

then when his back is turned, wham ! Well, it is not gonna happen, see. You're going crazy, Bart. I'm tellin' your mom. Martin, tell him what we do with squealers. I don't know. Is it worse than what you do with people that have to go to the bathroom ? You can't stop me ! The hell I can't !

Come on, jub jub. Let's go home, and I'll microwave you some nice roaches.

Yo, paella man, wing one up here! Hey, look, it's PelÉ!

Uh, I bring you love. It's bringing love! Don't let it get away! Break its legs! Wait! You want an alien? This is your alien!

expecting a certain level of professionalism. But-But you don't understand-- I ate too much plastic candy. Heavens to betsy. The star of the show is sick. Whatever will we do? There's only one person who can get us out of this pickle. Lisa? Yes? Help me into Ralph's costume.

Huh? - Bad news, Sheriff- - f Homer's Voice f Lisa Simpson. - Some Indians took all the- - f Homer's Voice] McNuggets. Mmm, McNuggets. f Sia vering f i ii get those no-good indians. .. - fast as sure as my favorite book is- - f Homer's Voice] Magazines.

- We made it, old friend! - We sure did. - Huzzah! - Whoo-hoo! D'oh!

Sake's alive! Our beloved Captain jack isn't dead after all. Well, don't that beat all? I guess you folks just stunned him. That's what we've been trying to tell you!

Kids, your father and I are going through a really tough time right now, and I don't know what's going to happen. But just remember that both your mom and your dad love you very, very much. Wow, I've never seen Mom so mad at Homer before.

(HUMMING RING OF FIRE)

It appears that your tiger has been sent to St. Louis. Mm-hmm. I should send you to St. Louis! No! No, he's not worth it. Can you please indicate your tiger type on this chart? Mmm, number 6. How's that fire ring coming?

Sir, this is a class two plutonium fissure reactor. If I turn this dial, the resulting blast would destroy the entire tri-city area, including that guy who sells those Blu-Blocker sunglasses people sometimes wear. Damn him to hell. You can't be serious.

Come to what? Moving the whole town five miles down the road. it's crazy! Yeah, it's something, all right. So we transplant the town. We're just gonna trash the new Springfield too. Yeah, but what are you gonna do? If you need me, I'll be at Moe's. Hi, Moe. Hey, Homer.

Don't worry. You know what I'm going to do? I'm going to make you an omelet. just help me look. Are you sure? I make them with two kinds of cheese. Homer, I think I've got her. Come on! Barney, you'll pull her arm off!

Wendell is cut. Rudy is cut. Janie, you're gone. Steven, I like your hustle. That's why it was so hard to cut you. Congratulations! The rest of you made the team. Except you, you and you.

- Another place mat, sir? - Please.

Marge, if you're watching this, then it means I've figured out how to work the camera. Last night I crashed a certain fake prom. That's right. Artie Ziff's fake prom. Homer was there. I saw something terrible and I can't even say it,

The way I acted ? So I said, "I must get out of these wet clothes and into a dry martini." Well said. Thank you. Oh, good Lord. There's a fly in my drink. I put it there. - You did ? - I slipped it into your glass as a gag. Pure hilarity ! Pure Homer. I pronounce it to be the most whimsical jape of the season. Quite.

We're eating genetically modified vegetables. Look how big they are.

But if you just hang in there, they'll eventually accept you. Get to work! I wanna see my face in that horse's ass!

"Puritan separatists from the Church of England,

And it's going to be a real apology in front of everybody, and you have to mean it. Apologize ? For what ? Clearin' the table ? Havin' a sense of humor ? They think they can starve an apology out of me ? Ha ! Uh-oh. I mean... good !

Homer, I'm-- I'm speechless. You just saved our hides. Please. On top of everything else, don't make me picture your hides. That's a wonderful thing you did for my sisters. I didn't do it for them. I did it for you, Marge. I'd kill for you. - Please ask me to kill for you. - No, Homie.

Hello, Homer. It's me, KITT, from TV's Knight Rider.

This taco is full of hair. Uh-huh. There's your explanation. Shall we tell Marge? Let her read about it in the society page.

Now, quiet! They're about to announce the lottery numbers. Seventeen, 32-- D'oh! five-- D'oh! - eight-- - Whoo-hoo! 47. D'Oh!

Oh, Lisa, it's normal to be sad when a friend dies, and Bleeding Gums was a good friend to you. But nobody is really gone as long as we remember them. Lisa, honey, if you really want to preserve his memory, I recommend getting a tattoo. It preserves the things you love. "Starland Vocal Band"? They suck!

just hook it to my veins!

Lisa, honey, are you gonna be okay? Bleeding Gums was my hero, and I never got to tell him how I felt. Oh, I'm sure he knew. And I'm sure that wherever he is now, he's happy. But he was the only person who had the same love for music that I do.

Soon you will be at peace. Hey, quit it, Bart. Quit it. Quit it! Quit it! Quit it! Mom!! Don't use the Touch of Death on your sister. They fought and fit they fought and fought and fit fought-fought-fought, fit-fit-fit the itchy and scratchy show! Uh-oh! Got to get back to karate class.

Man smart, woman is smarter man smart, woman is smarter Man, this thing's really getting out of hand.

in front of our very own fireplace! Oh, just think, Neddie. We're part of Springfield history. Look, Daddy. I'm the jealous jockey. I'm a torso. I'm glad you're not mad. But I lied to you, and I won't feel right until I return your deposit.

Ex-Ex-Excuse me, sir. I think you've got my TV. Sir? Somebody's gotta stop them! Let's wait until they burn the school down.

Hey. We just got away with murder. And it was so easy! You know, I've never liked that little wiener Milhouse.

- Be careful. - Homer ! Homer ! Homer !

That's preposterous. Now get out. You're banned from this historical society. You and your children and your children's children. For three months.

Oh! I'm never eatin' chili again. Ooh, chili!

You've seen the movie. Now meet a real-life Noah. Only this Noah has been accused of killing two of every animal.

Yeah, well, you'd be grumpy too if you were taken out of your natural habitat... and gawked at by a bunch of slack-jawed yokels. Hey, Ma, look at that pointy-hairded little girl. You guys don't understand Stampy. He's just like me. We're a pair of jokers, and both of us are wild. We don't take nothing from nobody.

Well, you can always depend on that. And since I'd achieved...

I shouldn't have shaken hands with those old people.

But what if... I were to purchase fast food and disguise it as my own cooking? Delightfully devilish, Seymour. Ah--

You know, most people don't know the difference... between apple cider and apple juice. But I do. Now, here's a little trick to help you remember. If it's clear and yella, you've got juice there, fella. If it's tangy and brown, you're in cider town. Now, there's two exceptions and it gets kind of-- Oh! You can stay, but I'm leaving.

And... action! Hold on! Cut! - Oh, for crying out loud! - Oh, man! Oh! Bart, if it's not too much trouble-- Fine. I'll do Teen Wolf 3. I've got fair-weather friends to feed. Dad, I want to go to bed. Aren't there child labor laws?

Please, do not be alarmed. Our chefs are just saying hello. - Oh, okay. Hello ! - Aah ! This is our karaoke bar. Now it is empty, but soon it will be hopping with drunken japanese businessmen.

Oh, goody ! A program-length advertisement !

Whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. This movie’s turning into "SpongeBob NoPants.” Cut.

My purpose in life is to witness this moment.

to live." I thank you. Oh ! Absolutely brilliant ! There were moments I truly believed you were Hemingway. Bravo, Martin ! Oh, please, call me Papa. A little ketchup for your buns, Papa ? All right, class, I think we have time for one more report.

Oh! I'm never eatin' chili again. Ooh, chili! Nelson, what are you doing? I'm solving world hunger.

(GASPING) Air conditioning, water fountains, dioramas! And I'll never run into my family here! It's the perfect place to start a new life!

or something to get the lock off my toolbox. Aisle one, next to the cat poison. Edna, look. A dimmer switch could ratchet up the romance in our love nest. You mean the janitor's closet? Ha!

Doughnut? What's a doughnut?

Stop this ride! You're the boss! (SCREAMING)

What's that, boy? We're in control? Hey, look! I can see my voice! Brrrrrrr! Hee! Hee! Blup, blup, blup, blup, blup. This is my voice on Tv - Dad! You're ruining the mood! Sorry.

The idea was to blind your opponent with luxury. Ahh!

I sentence you to kiss my ass. Look familiar? It should. Anger is what makes America great. But you must find the proper outlet for your rage. Fire a weapon at your television screen, pick a fight with someone weaker than you...

See you tomorrow! I tried to avoid her, but we were sent... to a nuclear convention in Capital City together.

It's so tragic the way they hopped on Pop. I always dreamed you'd be my library buddy. Get out. No, really. I think books have an amazing power to bring people together. Look. Even Cletus is checking one out. Now hold still. Nothing cracks a turtle like Leon Uris.

Good rice, good curry, good Gandhi, let's hurry. Mmm! This is delicious. - What's in it? - Chickpeas, lentils and rice. And what's in this? Chickpeas and lentils. Try it with rice.

You always go with your gut. This time, why don't you listen to your brain? All right, I will. (UKULELE MUSIC PLAYING) That's why I don't listen to my brain.

Time for your 9:00 a.m. feeding. Heh, heh, heh.

could possibly ever need you. I need you to take care of me, to put up with me... and most of all, I need you to love me, because I love you. But how do I know I can trust you? Marge, look at me. We've been separated for a day, and I'm as dirty as a Frenchman.

Hey, you've gotta be 18 to sell your blood. - Let's see some I.D. - Here you go, doll face. - Hmm. Okay, Homer. just relax. - Ow !

Take that, you greedy fat cats. Marge, give me your purse. Here's $42. That's everything I have. - Run home and bury it in the yard. - I love you, Mom.

You're letting me go? Kirk, crackers are a family food. Happy families. Maybe single people eat crackers. We don't know. Frankly, we don't want to know. It's a market we can do without. So that's it after 20 years-- so long, good luck? I don't recall saying "good luck."

No. No. No. I think we can do without the crack pipe. Oh, hi. As the Fox censor, it's my job to protect you from reality.

The crisis? Charlie Bluhdorn's birthday. The solution? A snappy banner. Out comes the phone, in flies Bobby Towne... and six drafts later, I had myself a party.

Hello! Itchy and Scratchy Land, open for business. Who are you to resist it, huh? Come on. My last paycheck bounced. My children need wine.

(ELECTRICITY CRACKLING) You're getting acid in the bed. I'm gonna sleep on the couch. (DOOR BANGS SHUT) She sure loves that couch.

Must remove my breastplate. Maybe later.

I'll miss you, Krusty-- I and all the other Sideshows-- except Sideshow Bob.

Sunrise, sunset sunrise, sunset cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon yes, we have no bananas Oh, that's sweet, Homer. Our son is growing up, isn't he?

There are tricks to it, things you should have learned a long time ago, such as, if you leave milk out, it can go sour. Put it in the refrigerator, or, failing that, a cool, wet sack.

Why, the only cure is bed rest. Anything I give you would only be a placebo. Where do we get these placebos? Maybe there's some in this truck! I'm cured. I mean, ouch!

Very good. Our next topic, "My Son Still Wets the Bed." You told me we were going to Red Lobster.

I know you're going to like your present. Shut up! Shut up! Kiss my butt! Go to hell! Dad, I promise I will never get tired of this. Those were very thoughtful presents but you have to tell me where you got the money.

Prove me wrong, kids. Prove me wrong. I've never seen them fight like that. I'm worried that all this posturing... and saber rattling could lead to a teachers' strike. Strike, eh? Ow! My bones are so brittle.

I was a big cheese-- a huge cheese!

I'll just have a cup of coffee. Beer it is. No, I said coffee. - Beer? - Coff-ee. Be-er? C-O-- B-E--

Kids? I know! What is up with that?

Well, sir, I think it is time to turn this pledge drive... over to Troy McClure. I can't keep up this pace forever.

I thought this thing was gonna be catered. Boy, am I hungry. I mean I'm really, really hungry. It's just not fair, damn it!

Look at me, Lise. I'm Baron Von Chicken Pants.

Slow down. The sidewalk's for regular walkin', not for fancy walkin'. Get outta my way. I'm in a hurry. You simmer down, I'll let you go. So, instead of wounding an evil old man, I may have killed an innocent old man. That's much worse.

He paid me and Carl a thousand bucks to kiss each other. Hey, did we ever get that money? But reckless spending and interracial homoeroticism... were just volume one of The Encyclopedia Self-Destructica.

Well, Seymour, I made it-- despite your directions. Ah. Superintendent Chalmers. Welcome. I hope you're prepared for an unforgettable luncheon. Yeah.

Well, neither could your parents. That's why they brought you to me. Well, I'm afraid young Ned is unusually aggressive, but I can't seem to find a cause for it. Hey! Hey! Get down from that bookshelf, please! Most of those books haven't been discredited yet. Would you please tell your son to stop?

The other thing about TV dinners, you don't have leftovers, you have reruns. TV dinner jokes? Ooh! Take that, Swanson's. Didn't like that one, huh? Well--

Marge, turn down the heat. That's better.

Anyhoo, now that I'm your king again-- - Ralph, I thought you were dead. - Nope!

Any valuables in the house? Well, the Picasso, my collection of classic cars-- Sorry. This policy only covers actual losses, not made-up stuff. Well, that's just great. Fire, man's oldest foe.

Bart, you want some brownie before you go to bed?

Yeah! Shazbot. Hey! We stayed for your kids! The dark lord Montymort! Absorber of souls! Sucker of essence!

Mr. Mayor, is it true you rigged the election? No, I did not. Kids, help. Oh, I don't mind. We want these children to feel justice has been served. That way, they can sleep soundly tonight...

Arent you gonna chuckle? There's nothing to chuckle about. Oh, nobody loves oily Homer. Hmm. Hmm. Mmm! Mm-hmm. You there! Yeah, the greasy, naked, bald man.

Dad, how would you like to be sold to an ivory dealer? I'd like it fine. Even if he killed you... and made your teeth into piano keys? Yes, of course I would. Who wouldn't like that, to be part of the music scene?

That's it. Twenty-three skiddoo, 24,

Dear Log: It won't be long now before my mind melts... into a soft, Simpsony sludge. Soon, the arts and literature I love will be replaced... by talk radio and vulgar mud flaps. It's time to give my brain its last meal.

I'll bet I get blamed for this. But, Aquaman, you cannot marry a woman without gills. You're from two different worlds. Oooh, I've wasted my life.

This better be important. Oy, gevalt! just let your head flop back and forth.

Maybe if you didn't go to the bathroom so much, you wouldn't be so small.

Hey, if you guys are getting loaded off them fumes, I'm gonna have to charge you. Man alive, there are men alive in here. I'm detecting over 20 different toxins in the air. All right, everybody out! As long as Burns is pumping oil, this bar is closed. Damn Burns. Lemme just get one thing.

(HARPSICHORD PLAYING) Ew! A plague rat! (LAUGHING) Don't you have music to write? I'm doing it right now. I call this my "Symphony in Gee, My Sister Sucks."

You're under arrest, Simpson, for grand theft auto. Now put up your hands.

Clear! Clear! Doctor, he's gone. Oh! This is the part of the job I hate.

"'Kippers for breakfast, Aunt Helga? "Is it St. Swiven's Day already?' ''Tis,' replied Aunt Helga." I'm goin'! I'm goin'!

Bart, if you come out, I'll let you eat raw cookie dough.

Got your nose. Got your wallet.

Go Crazy? Don't mind if I do!

Look at me! I've betrayed my Indian heritage, sir! What would my parents think of me now? Make us proud, Son. Never forget who you are. Don't make the same mistake I did. Oh, forgive me, Mother.

- Mimosa ? - I'm a married women. Don't call me that. No, no, no, no, no. Mimosa is the name of the drink. It's orange juice and champagne. You're so wonderful that you thought it was something offensive.

Actually, sir, we've been booked into a small theater in New Mexico. Whoa. Whoa. Slow down there, maestro. There's a new Mexico?

Oh, it's pointless hunting for an animal... that has 24 miles of water to hide in. Drain the lake. What? You heard me. Deploy the Delochinator. Ooh! Oh, pumping is hard.

Aah! My face! My valuable face! Hmph! Oy!

I'm sorry, kid. We got Simpson D.N.A. on Burns's clothing, and your father was identified by the old man himself.

I'm Skinner. Seymour? Mother! She's my mother! Will someone remove that crazy man, please? No. No. He's-- He's not crazy. It's true. I'm--

Uh, no. That's it over there. Yeah. That's it. just to the right of the one you're looking at.

Oh, no, you don't! Simpson 10, Terrorists 8. Homer, tell the story right. Okay.

(MUSIC BOX CHIMING) Oh, no! (NICKERING) They're so beautiful. And their breath smells like peppermint.

And since it's my birthday, we'll party extra hard! No! Not yet! I'm only 25!

Hey! We stayed for your kids! The dark lord Montymort! Absorber of souls! Sucker of essence! Ah, ah, ah, ah! Hey, hey, hey, hey! - Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh! - Ahh! This is partly my fault!

Five, six, so long, hicks!

As Roger Meyers Jr., the owner of the park, I'd like to thank you for stopping the killer robots. And to show my appreciation, here are two free passes. But there are five of us. Here are two free passes. - That's better. - Man, if this is happening here,

I refer you to my expert witness, Dr. Hibbert. Well, only one in two million people has... what we call the "evil gene." Hitler had it. Walt Disney had it. And Freddy Quimby has it. Thank you, Dr. Hibbert. I rest my case. You rest your case?

Now, Bart, we want to emphasize that nobody's angry about this. We're-- We're just concerned. When a young man with a 216 IQ can't make a simple experiment work, well, it doesn't take a Bart Simpson to figure out that something's wrong. Tell me. Is the class moving too slowly for you ? Lord, no.

Ow! Skeeter bites are good luck. Scratch it, and you get a wish. I don't feel so good. Can you take me to the hospital? Finally we're doing something I want to do.

then sit around googling your own name until lunch. (GASPS) Who told you that?

You know how bashful I am. I can't even say the word "titmouse"... without giggling like a schoolgirl. At any rate, I believe you, and I think you should...

Hey, Lis, keep an eye out for the guy with the peanuts. There's no guy with peanuts, dear. - Geez. No beer. No opera dogs. - Shh !

Lisa? Bail out!

What's up, Moe? Hey, Moe! Hey, you can't come in here dressed like that! - Get with the times, Moe. - Yeah. I say if it feels good, do it. All right. Don't snap my undies.

Anytime, chum... p.

No, no, no, no. No es un limÓn. Es un carro fuerte. Hmm. LimÓn. Fuerte. LimÓn. Fuerte. Limon-- ¡Ay, Ay, Ay, Ay, Ay! ¡Mi estÓmago! Daytime TV is muy estÚpido. Hey, our school's on TV. Springfield elementary has reopened its doors.

I say "Radical." That's my thing that I say! I feel like I'm gonna explode here!

Now we play the waiting game. Ah, the waiting game sucks. Let's play Hungry Hungry Hippos. Oh, thank you, Mr. Plow. Now my store can remain open.

The toilet seat's up. But that wouldn't happen unless...

Go into hyperspace! Wait! Where's the hyperspace? Grandpa, you're the spaceship. I thought I was this guy. - Oh! - Oh! Game's over. I got down on the floor for this?! Wait, Dad.

Ooh. I know. Spendover. Like Passover, but less talk, more presents. Product Day? No, no, no! No. It's got to be warm and fuzzy-- something like, um, Love Day, but not so lame. Happy Love Day, everyone!

Will there be beer? Beer is not allowed. Homer no function beer well without. Would you rather have beer or complete and utter contentment? What kind of beer? The Leader knows how miserable you, Marge, Lisa, Bart and Maggie are.

Questions are decadent! Fast hands mean less whipping. Ow! Skeeter bites are good luck.

Did anyone see the movie Tron? No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. Yes. Er, um, I mean, no. No. Well, where's my dad? Well, it should be obvious to even the most dimwitted individual...

Ooh. Thanks, buddy. Hey, I lost my turn.

I'll take a rocket bomb! What can I get for 30 cents? Let go! I gotta get to the tank! Heck, I can't decide without the pictures. Six, ha-ya-yah. Oh!

One square watermelon, please. Oh, my goodness. Homer, those are $150. It's worth every cent. I'm tired of fumbling with round fruit. D'oh! Well, maybe we should just head back to the hotel.

Oh, but you love silhouette night.

I'm gonna resign. I don't know why they made me union president in the first place. Because they love you down at the plant. Yeah, you're right. Guys are always patting my bald head for luck, pinchin' my belly to hear my girlish laugh. Hmm. That doesn't sound like they like you at all.

Drop the cone, sugar! Whoa. Whoopsie. Take her away, boys.

Oh, by the way, here is your new issue of Gigantic Asses.

Not to Gill. I could taste that sale. I was in the zone. All right, men, those nudies are here somewhere. Fan out! Oh, we're surrounded, Marge. Maybe we should give ourselves up.

(GASPS) Bart! Are the kidnappers after you? Well, some kidnappers might be after me. It's a big world. But in this case, I faked the whole thing. Why? Are you mad at me? No. It's not about you. Oh. It's never about me! (GRUNTS) OFFICER (ON RADIO): 10-23, you seen anything?

Chicks on the bench.

I'm still mad at you for chopping up my skateboard with an ax. I did it for the insurance money.

Ow, my foot, you lousy, stupid, clumsy-- Sorry, pal. Hand over all your money in a paper bag. Yes, yes. I know the procedure for armed robbery. I do work in a convenience store, you knoW.

It seems President Kennedy's father was-- Whoo! Mini cannoli. Hey, I called that. I saw it first. Come back here. Hmm, milking room. I hope you cows are decent.

How ya doin', Germany? Here's my impression of an East German woman. "Kees" me, or I'll crush you. He says what we're all thinking. I'm not thinking that. Hey, Swiss miss. There's no missin' you, babe.

Relax, Chief. You seem tense. You know, the boy here makes an excellent Manhattan. - Ah. I'm still gonna put you away. - Good for you. Bart! Have you started smoking? No.

Simpson, Homer Simpson He's the greatest guy in history From the town of Springfield He's about to hit a chestnut tree

(SIGHS) Now we have to find another school for you. And if you get kicked out of that one, you're going straight in the army where you'll be sent straight to America's latest military quagmire. Where will it be? North Korea, Iran? Anything's possible with Commander Cuckoo Bananas in charge!

They can't fire me.

I was sitting there! I don't see your name on it.

Now I can't stand in line anymore.

and you'll have to live with your grandmother and pick beans. Dad, I like picking beans with Grandma. Well, keep it up then. Okay, I will. Good. You do that. Fine. You'll be picking many a bean. Hope I do.

just hang tight, kids. I'll swim for help. What the-- Zeppelin rules!

Missed a spot. Dopey kid. Coming through. Step aside, lady. Mmm, baby. How was class? We learned how to rip a man's heart out and show it to him before he dies. That will learn them.

Know-it-all bitch.

Yeah, but what made the rain stop? I dunno. Buddha? Hey, they've suffered enough. Keep that popcorn chicken coming, Colonel. Mmm! Mmm! f God] Not bad.

This is for the Commonwealth of Australia. And this is for the United States of America!

Go to your room! No! This family stinks! Mr. Burns nurtures my destructive side. I'm suffocating here. Bart, you listen! Oh, go eat some flowers! My secret shame.

Why, Homer, your surgical incision is completely healed. I owe it all to my rewarding work with children. And not picking at it. Ah, yes, how is your day care center doing? Wonderful! Being with those kids gives me a high only morphine can top.

That is incorrect. The correct answer is you. Mom, can Lisa and I play outside away from the bear? Okay. But when you start getting apple-cheeked, it's time to come in. Huh?

join the hack. Oh.

Dancin'? Dancin'. But I don't know how to dance. Oh, I'll show you how.

Have you been up all night eating cheese? I think I'm blind. Wha-- Good day to you.

Why, you little..!

I'll send Laura over to babysit as soon as she gets home. Great. Oh, uh, and there was something else. Something I was supposed to tiptoe around-- My divorce. That's it! Whoo-hoo! I'm glad one of us remembered. That could have been embarrassing.

You wouldnt dare. Oh, wouldnt I? I could easily put them back in their original order. Oh, really? No!

Ah. And now for my triumphant return to Springfield.

I'm gonna make it up to you. I'm gonna show you kids the time of your life. Get ready for two weeks at the Happiest Place on Earth-- Tijuana!

I'm really, really, really sorry. I'm afraid sorry doesn't cut it with this pope. Oh-ho.

Bases loaded, two out. The good guys trail by a run. S... P... R... I... N... G... F... E... E... L... D !

to come up with a new Furby or Tickle Me Elmo?

Hey, check it out. I'm surfing the net. Oh, that's good. His clowning around is putting me at ease. No. Yes! We win again. Will you get serious, Homer? I'd like to win at least once.

(ROARS) (EXCLAIMS) (ROARING) We're big! We're big! Which you mountain lions find terrifying! (MEOWS IN FRIGHT) (GASPS) They remembered what I taught them!

Sounds like that gopher I caught in me lawn mower.

Homer, this is Floyd. He's an idiot savant. He can multiply any two numbers in his head just like that. Five times nine. Forty-five. Wow!

Your plant has been taken over by an all-star team of freelance terrorists. Not on my shift! Yip!

All right, boy. This calls for the biggest punishment I ever handed down, and this time it's gonna stick. Come on, Homer. This isn't funny. Damn right! Bart, you can't go to see that Itchy and Scratchy movie ever!

I can think of at least two things wrong with that title.

That's a long shot. Bingo. Don't worry. He'll be here. Clarinet? Oboe? No. - Saxophone? - No. What was that last one? Saxophone. Hmm... Lisa, stop playing that stupid... Saxophone! That's it! Alto or tenor? D'oh!

I don't know. Great plan, Bart !

Sleigh bells ring Are you listening In the lane Snow is glistening A beautiful sight We're happy tonight

The best movie won, and Mr. Burns found... there are some awards that can't be bought. And the Oscar goes to... I've got to win this one. I bribed everyone in Hollywood! George C. Scott in Man Getting Hit by Football.

Watch this, guys. Ooh! - Uh-oh. He's done for. - Don't worry. The safety glass'll protect us. Run! We'll hide at my house!

Hmm. Round and round the bottle twirls, I hope it stops on one of the girls. (GASPING) I hope you like the taste of ringworm medicine. Ew!

Of course, because you wouldnt want to- I paid for your splendor, you-

"Number two: horny. Number three: family jewels." - Hi, Grandpa ! - Bart, what brings you here ?

Ho ho ho. Ho ho ho. Ho ho ho. Ho ho ho.

But, basically, Krabappel said you'd give the teachers everything they want. She did? Yeah. She said you'd fold faster than Superman on laundry day. We'll see about that.

Mr. Starr, tea and crumpets. just set it over there. Sir, if you'll forgive an old Brit his impertinence, your devotion to your fans is nothing short of remarkable. Well, Wetherby, they took the time to write me, and I don't care if it takes me another 20 years-- I'm going to answer every one of them.

Yes! Louie, Louie oh, no we gotta go yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah I said, Louie, Louie oh, babY we gotta go

Is it true that we have to bring our own water? We got a little rule back home-- If it's brown, drink it down. If it's black, send it back.

I have a feeling some bad stuff is about to go down. This is where the wolf blows down the pigs' house. He blows, all right. He blows big-time. That's it, honey. Get into the spirit. Uh, it was good, but not great.

You just lost a customer! We'll talk tomorrow. You just lost yourself a customer!

Hey. I need to see your claim checks for that luggage. Oh, of course. I have it right here. I'll need to see yours too. - You got it! - I'll take your word for it. You're just doing your job. Do you have anything by Robert Ludlum?

Good-bye, Lisa honey ! It'll be okay ! just read the note !

The chair recognizes the esteemed representative from Capital City. The Capital City Goofball? That's right. To win, he spent 80 million from his own pocket. Mr. Speaker, the time has come to redesign our state flag. This Confederate symbol is an embarrassment... particularly as we are a northern state.

Okay, you're fightin' a guy named Boxcar Bob. Brawled his way up from the boxcars, did he? Uh, no, not yet. He still lives at the train yard. But he's a hungry young fighter. In fact, he's actually fightin' for a sandwich. Homer, I want you to have my lucky mitts. I hope you do better with 'em than I did.

Your Honor, my client has instructed me to remind the court... how rich and important he is, and that he is not like other men. I should be able to run over as many kids as I want !

Please do the Hindu that you do so well. Avert your eyes, eunuch. What's a eunuch? "Unique," "unite"-- Mmm, Homie, what's wrong?

There it is, boys: the championship trophy.

So it's true. Some cartoons do encourage violence. Ow! We gotta get Itchy and Scratchy back. And soon! Ow!

After evaluating millions of pieces of data in the blink of an eye the Gamble-Tron 2000 says the winner is... Cincinnati by 200 points?! Why, you worthless hunk of junk!

Ow! I don't understand why we have to build a ray gun to aim at a planet I never even heard of. Don't blame me. I voted for Kodos. D'oh!

Oh, Homer. Remember, whatever happens, you have a mother, and she's truly proud of you. Oh! Hurry up, man! This electric van only has 20 minutes of juice left!

Happy birthday.

We were about to give up, when we found a house that was perfect. just imagine what we can do with this place. Wow. How much? How much? Well, here's what they're asking. Oh, I can't afford that!

Merry Christmas, Simpsons! That's not as fun as it looks. Nothing could be as fun as that looks.

Sure. You've never been?

just so there's no hard feelings, here's double your pay. - No, no, triple. - Thank you.

While you kids are looking at that, I'll just busy myself in this file cabinet. Must... fight... Satan.

to kick this doghouse down!

I'll send Laura over to babysit as soon as she gets home. Great. Oh, uh, and there was something else. Something I was supposed to tiptoe around-- My divorce. That's it! Whoo-hoo!

assuming Lisa misspells this next word. The word is "intransigence." Could I please hear it in a sentence? Certainly. "The little girl's intransigence cost her the college of her choice." lntransigence. Daddy made it for your dance recital, honey!

Hmm. Hot food is tempting.

Almost everybody. Kids, wait in the car.

Look. Now we've got 'em. Hey, that's Homer Simpson. And his kid, Bart. - Let's kill them ! - Bring 'em out ! Off the kid, man. Off him ! Kill Bart ! Kill Homer ! Let's kill this guy ! Murderous mob, I beg you to spare our lives.

in accordance with the new curfew for anyone under 70. Mm, I can't believe that passed. I warned you guys that seniors always vote in record numbers. The controversial measure passed by a single vote. You really should've voted, Homer. It wouldn't have made a difference.

Take out wrenched ankle. Mom! Mom! Mom!

It's nice and cool in here, don't you think? Welcome to the Electric Car of the Future, sponsored by the Gasoline Producers of America.

Who's that little baby? You know, I went to the McDonald's in, uh, Shelbyville on Friday night.

Henrietta R. Hippo!

My beard. I broke my beard. Oh, my God! We can't let Homer know! What? Huh?

Nothing's more important to me than the health and well-being of my freaks.

Why can't you be a little more supportive? 'Cause I don't care, okay? I can't fake an interest in this, and I'm an expert at faking an interest in your kooky projects. What "kooky projects"? You know, the painting class, the first aid course, the whole Lamaze thing.

Come back here! I'm not through demeaning you!

Beer, beer, beer, beer, beer, beer, beer, beer! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Yeah.

Last name: jazz. First name: Hugh. Hold on. I'll check. Huge ass? Somebody check the men's room for a huge ass. I'm Hugh jazz. Telephone. This is Hugh jazz.

- There's gotta be a way to escape! - Psst! I've worked on this for 33 years. It's made out of toilet paper rolls, toothpicks and plastic forks, and the sail is made of scabs and dynamite. It's small and it's smelly, but it should carry both of us to--

The Spaghetti Laboratory! Face-Stuffers! Professor V.J. Cornucopia's Fantastic Foodmagorium and Great American Steakery. Well, what about this place?

- Homer, did you eat that doughnut? - No. Your wide behind won't save you this time. Hey, Bart. Hey. Wait!

"And he who shall violate this law... shall be punished by catapult." Last time I help you. Sorry. I thought you'd get a fine, or at most, three, four years in jail. Hold it! This machine is two centuries old. Better test it first. Oh!

Frank and Jesse James- the Sundance Kid- What happened to Butch Cassidy? "What happened to Butch Cassidy?' We're not joined at the hip, you know.

Give it to me. El yoyÓ es grande. ¡Ay, chihuahua! As you can see, Simpson, I have taken over all 78 channels, and you won't see any of your favorite shows again until you give in! Whoa! That bites.

Till then, you're going to spend the day in hell! That wasn't so bad. Huh? Ow! Ow! Ow!

We're here! We're queer! We don't want any more bears! We're here! We're queer! We don't want any more bears!

"Bart is a vampire." "Beer kills brain cells." Now, let's go back to that... building thingy... where our beds and TV... is.

We have a lab for this. We've figured it out, except for one ingredient. Brace yourselves, gentlemen. According to the gas chromatograph the secret ingredient is... love?! Who's been screwing with this thing?

Ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay! My friend, your jacket, she burns. Then I burn with her. For I would rather die than have people not know what stores I have been to.

So, Professor, would you say it's time for everyone to panic? Yes, I would, Kent. Ladies and gentlemen. Ladies and gentlemen, please.

Is this cel worth anything? Let me show you something. This-- This is a Snagglepuss drawn by Hic Heisler. It is worth something. This-- This is an arm drawn by nobody. It is worth nothing. Can't you give me anything for it? I can give you this telephone. It is shaped like Mary Worth.

Many of you thought it would never happen, but I insisted we spend two hours every morning training for it. You all thought I was mad.

Lisa, we're not supposed to see each other before the wedding. It's tradition. What about my family's tradition? Surely you don't want me to wear those... in front of my parents and their friends? But you promised my dad you would. I was just humoring him, darling. Actually, he frightens me a bit.

I'm just a stupid kid! (SOBBING) Son, when you grew up, I grew down.

Aw, they're not so tough. Chief, that wasn't a monster. That was the captain of the high school basketball team. Uh, yeah, well, he was turning into a monster though.

Furious D takes the early Lead. Ow! Ooh! Oh! What a shameful display by these tiny hotheads. Let's try to remember the good little people, like james Madison or Oscar winner Linda Hunt.

Not on my watch he's not! Oh, no! I know it looks like the path to freedom. But one collapse, and presto-- you've got a snow casket. I was gonna put buttresses in. Gonna, wanna, shoulda. Willie, destroy it. He did do a bonny job, sir.

many of them, incompetent boobs.

Yeah! I'm not racing! It's me, Marge Simpson. No. You eat my dust! Hoo-hoo!

Cut to commercial!

As wacky as those kids were, they were no match for Captain Wacky, later renamed "Homer."

We leave you the kids for three hours, and the county takes 'em away? Oh, bitch, bitch, bitch! I can't believe I put my own pleasure ahead of my home and family.

(SIGHS) Her fiancee.

Keep digging. We're bound to find something.

Back then we didn't care what anyone thought, and the chicks found that irresistible.

Great. Oh, uh, and there was something else. Something I was supposed to tiptoe around-- My divorce. That's it! Whoo-hoo! I'm glad one of us remembered. That could have been embarrassing. Well, I know what you're thinking, and the answer is yes. I want to be fixed up with one of your friends as soon as you can arrange it. After all, Homer, I do have the normal appetites.

They can be a handful... of joy. - Shut up! - They'll fill your lives with-- - just shut up! - Can't put a price on a miracle. I can't believe you don't shut up.

I figured if one six-pack holder will catch one fish, a million sewn together will catch a million fish. Watch. What's going on? I call it the Burns Omni-Net. It sweeps the sea clean.

Please, Dad. Please, Dad. Please, Dad. Please, Dad. No. No. No. No. Please, Dad. Please, Dad. Please, Dad. No. No. No ! Now, look, son, we all know that usually when you bug me like this, I give in, so I'm not mad at you for trying. Shows you've been paying attention. But we all know I'm not gonna give you $100. Now, are you gonna stop bugging me ? Are you ? Are you ?

Oh, we're gonna die, and I never tasted cantaloupe! Eh, you didn't miss much. Honeydew is the money melon. And now we will cut you loose.

Here come sandwiches Here come sandwiches right down Boozy Bum Lane Brother Ned's got cheese on bread and a side order of shame. Bells... Where the H-E-C-K is everybody?

Young man, I'm making you my executive vice president. Sir, I believe that position was informally promised to me. No, Smithers. I would've said anything to get your stem cells.

Well, I'd rather reserve judgment until I-- Oh, my God! I'll mace you good! That is completely taken out of context!

Gentlemen, I have found the final member of our cabal. Count Fudgeula? I thought you wanted to get off the stuff. I'm a monster. Don't look at me. Homer, we need you to help us smuggle in sugar from south of the border.

Hallelujah hallelujah hallelujah hallelujah hallelujah Wake up, Bart. Rise and shine, little guy.

Aah..! Oh, fudge... That's broken. Fiddle-dee-dee. That will require a tetanus shot. I'm not going to swear but I am going to kick this doghouse down! Dad, this is not a commentary on your skills

Smithers, why haven't i heard of this "the Leader"? He's as rich and wicked as I, but he seems to enjoy tax-exempt status. Actually, sir, with our creative bookkeeping... and corporate loopholes, we only pay three dollars a year. You're right. We're getting screwed. There must be something I can do about this.

That's good aim, Dad. Well, it was my major. Welcome to the noble family of skilled Krustaceans. You will now go back to your hometowns... and do kids' parties, swap meets... and all the other piddly crap I wouldn't touch with a 10-foot clown pole. Now, come and get your cat-skins--

and Sonic Youth's in my cooler! Get out of there, you kids! Oh, come on, Mr. Frampton. You're not gonna eat all that watermelon. Please! I'm trying to perform. Go ahead. We'll stay here and guard your cooler.

Bart, eat your spinach. - No way. - Yes way! Stop it, please. I'm trying to eat. And all those feet going by the window are really creeping me out.

He's a good boy now, and he's getting better, and sometimes even the best sheep stray from the flock... and need to be hugged extra hard. That's exactly the kind of crapola that's lousing him up. Hey, look at this. "I am a Wiener." He sure is.

Now that I think about it, I'm not sure he's even a doctor. Doh ! And Mrs. Simpson, could you describe for us, in your own words, Bart's "intense mental anguish and suffering" ? Well, I don't know how intense it was. Uh-huh. But-- Well, I guess he did miss three days of school.

Don't worry. There's plenty for all of you. Now who's laughing? Huh? Huh? (LAUGHING) Me. I'm laughing. (LAUGHS)

Checks out. Okay, sir, you're free to go. Good, 'cause I got a hot date tonight. A date. Dinner with friends. Dinner alone. Watching TV alone. All right! I'm gonna sit at home and ogle the ladies... in the Victoria Secret Catalog. Sears Catalog. Now would you unhook this already, please?

Joe's Crematorium-- You kill 'em, we grill 'em. Hello. Who is this? Bart Simpson. Who are you? I'm Michael jackson. The Michael jackson? No way. I'm with your father in a mental institution. Is Elvis with you? He could be. It's a big hospital.

Skinned elbows? All right! Time to score some pity!

The dream police they live inSide of my bed the dream police they come to me in my head the dream police they're going to arrest me now oh, no Oh! Howdy, neighbor! May I spray you with the hose in a playful fashion?

This is most disillusioning. It seems our leaders are not all-knowing. Now I will question everything! Why doesn't Pearl Jam ever come here? (ALL PROTESTING) Homer, we need your acrobatic skills. Only you can prevent this riot and save our beloved communist dictatorship.

Hey, i'll give you somethin' to cry about, you loser. You can't catch a football? Let's see if you can catch a rock.

"'My proposal' by Bart Simpson. "I want to pretend... - "I am a regular dumb kid. - Period. By this, I hope--"

Worst crossover ever. Yeah. Shoo, nerds! Shoo! Well, this muscle shirt's a pretty good find.

I'll get us out of this. Say, Dad. Wanna go see my project for the school science fair? No, Lisa. But I sure don't wanna eat this crappy breakfast. Here, little fella.

Yelling in his ears is cruel. Everything is cruel. So excuse me if I'm cruel! Now I've had my head in an elephant, a hippo and a giant sloth.

Are we gonna let politics get in the way of our friendship? Friendship? You told people I lured children into my gingerbread house. Yeah. That was just a lie. Simpson, the American people... have never tolerated incompetence in their public officials.

Here you go! 42-inch plasma TV as a thank you from your... Your mother. Oh, that "my mother." Tell him thanks. Okay, Tattoo Man. It's a month in the hole for you. Solitary confinement? But without my weekly canasta, I'll die.

That horse better win, or we're taking a trip to the glue factory. And he won't get to come. Yeah, that's a great tour. - But you can't see it all in one day. - Hey, be quiet. And away they go! Go, Duncan! Go, number five! Let's go, number five!

Maybe I will, Milhouse. Maybe I will.

Whoo! Bravo! Bravo!

But she doesn't melt. Oh, yes, she does.

Dad, what are you doing? Oh, how to explain this to a child? Hmm. Future Daddy needs to double kill these corpses... so they wont come back as zombies and- Get him!

Oop. Is your name Bart? Mm-hmm. What the-- Does your father know you're working here? It was his idea.

Oooh, I've wasted my life.

But you haven't won anything in months. I'll just make more money. Crank out some cheesy merchandise. But you've already merchandised everything-- Krusty's Monopoly game, the Krusty croWd-control barrier. Nothing is selling anymore, not even your new Lady Krusty line. But our infomercials are running 24 hours a day!

You're watching PBS. You're watching PBS?

ANd i-eee-i-eee-i Will always love you-oo Whee-ha!

(LIGHT APPLAUSE) (GRUNTING) Now, to do something I've never done before. Help out an old man.

This just in. I'm pissed off. Hi, fellas.

Oh, you gotta stop this thing! Please! I'm gettin' egged on the street! Do somethin'! Do somethin'!

I'm a hero! Tell them they'll live to regret this. You'll live to regret this! Oh, thanks a lot. Now I look crazy.

Quit whacking my barrel!

Shh! You're cut too, shushy!

I'd better take off my sweater. "Down with"-- "homework"? Don't look at it, children. His shirt makes a good point. I'm with the shirt! Homework rots! Down with homework! Down with homework!

(REPEATING) D'oh! Woo-hoo! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh... Woo-hoo! D'oh! D'oh... Woo-hoo!

Greetings, friend. Do you wish to look as happy as me? Well, you've got the power inside you right now. So use it, and send one dollar to Happy Dude! 742 Evergreen Terrace, Springfield. Don't delay. Eternal happiness is just a dollar away.

We have searched every square inch of this base, and all we have found is porno, porno, porno! We have only 20 minutes left. Send in the esteemed representatives of television. Hey, hey! Now, this is my kind of meeting!

Stop him! He's supposed to die!

Won't dignify that... with a response. Mr. Burns has been shot.

Hey, that guy looks like you. Oh-ho! That's me, all right-- standing up against America's reckless spendthrift politicians.

Thanks, Marge. When my husband left, he took all our power tools, along with the car, my youth, my faith in mankind. Well, see ya. Mmm. Hey, wait!

But it looks like Father Time took care of that for us, right? Am I right, folks?

Oh, geez! That's just awful! Mmm! Now, what do you have to wash that awful taste out of my mouth? Mountain Dew or crab juice. Oh, geez! I'll take a crab juice.

I'd like a single plum floating in perfume, served in a man's hat. Here you go.

"I'm married to the sea." "I don't wanna kill you, but I will." Honey! Honey, I'd tell this boy that you're very flattered, but you're just not ready for this kind of thing. Thanks, Mom. And if that doesn't work, six simple words: "I'm not gay, but I'll learn."

Marge, stop this crazy thing!

Well, I won't be lonely for long. Hee, hee! Huh? Whuzzat? Oh, Homer! Thank goodness you're safe. Marge?

I did it. D'oh! Folks, this is your captain speaking. Our nonstop flight to Tahiti will be making a brief layover in North Haverbrook.

Oh, wait. I've got it. Flancrest Enterprises. D'oh! What exactly is it your company does again?

"K.K.K."? That's not good. Oh! Ah! Oh! What? Hey! Oh!

What do I think of the pie? What do I think of the pie? Goodness gracious It's delicious That's what I think of the pie Because-- Should we follow him? I'm on vacation.

Oh, yeah ? Wanna bet ?

Good night, America!

Science-- What's science ever done for us? TV off. Science is like a blabbermouth... who ruins the movie by telling you how it ends. Well, I say there are some things we don't wanna know-- important things. Yeah, he's right! Enough talk. It's smashin' time!

You've just won the employee raffle. Whoo-hoo!

just a minute! Hello? Your son was trespassing on my property... and destroyed a very valuable stone gargoyle and-- Are you wearing a grocery bag? I have misplaced my pants.

Sorry, Dad. Women and children first. What the-- Where the hell are my keys ?

Face it, Marge. Catholics rule. We got Boston, South America, the good part of Ireland, and we're making serious inroads in Mozambique, baby! Well, I'm gonna show Bart that Protestants can be hip, too. How do you like those croutons? Oh! Why does that woman thwart my sporadic interest in my children?

How ya doin', Apu ? Mmm, chocolate. Ooh, double chocolate. New flavor-- triple chocolate ! Perhaps a little something for the trip back to the cash register.

The goalie of my dreams! Let's try a hard one to make sure it wasn't a fluke. Hey, way to knock out my teeth! Yeah, that's it, Milhouse. Keep up the chatter.

- Ha-ha! - Hee-hee!

Superintendent, I hope you're ready for mouthwatering hamburgers. I thought we were having steamed clams. D'oh, no. I said steamed hams. That's what I call hamburgers.

Mr. Burns, is there anything at all I can do for you? No, Homer. You've already done more for me than any man. Your brutal attack forced me to fend for myself. I realize now that being waited on hand and foot is okay for your average joe. But it's not for me. I want to thank you.

that the voters of this state are gullible fools.

Mmm. My women's intuition is telling me something. I wonder what-- Oh, my God. Well, that's it. I guess this is the class I'm gonna die in.

It would be a shame if somebody shuffled them. You wouldnt dare. Oh, wouldnt I? I could easily put them back in their original order. Oh, really? No!

Now, where was I? Oh, yeah. Yeah. Sheila. Sheila. Anyway, she's had an attitude from day one. She was supposed to be our supervisor, but then Dotty went on maternity leave, so, well-- Well--

- Whoa, man. - Whoa nothing. I'm gonna do something your daddy should've done a long time ago. Now, go home and think about what you've done, young man.

Oh, God! We're going down! I don't want to die next to Kathy Griffin! (PEOPLE SCREAMING) (GASPS) The stars are falling to the earth! (GASPS) Just as you predicted.

Of course! Bowling! Bowling here! Come bowl now! Get your bowling! Who's ready? Bowling!

Why did Lisa dump me? Is it because of my small calves? They're the hardest place to add mass! Cheer up, Milhouse. You got your whole life ahead of you.

MILHOUSE: Hello? Hello? I had to leave because my French bread pizza dinged. Hello? Duck, duck, duck, duck.

Yeah, but you'd feel bad inside.

What the..? D'oh!

And that's how my beautiful wife brought our son Bart into the world. - Oh! - Touching. You knucklehead! A little help! I'll give you a little help. Oww! Oww-oww-oww! Oww! Oww! Oww! Oww!

Who's this? The Debbie Pinson, who was the homecoming queen in high school? Yes, I'm still available. No, he's not! Marge, that was Debbie Pinson! Debbie Pinson!

Would you care for some reading material? Hmm. This could be useful.

Hey, Homer, I'm worried about the beer supply. After this case, and the other case, there's only one case left. Yeah, yeah! Barney's right! Yeah, let's get some more beer. Yeah, hey, what about some beer? Yeah, Barney's right. All right, guys, pipe down. I got some more in the garage.

Homer, I'm really touched you invited me out on the town. You're gonna be a four-star brother-in-law.

Let the judgment begin. I'll get the ball rolling. You're a fat idiot. Yeah! Lose some weight!

Homer, can you say the alphabet backwards? Oh, you’d like that, wouldnt you, you- Hey, I'm worried.

My God! Everyone's gone! Little Bart. Little Lisa. Little Marge. And the rest!

And stay out! Ew! You said if I slept with you, I wouldn't have to touch the drunk. Duff Man says a lot of things. Oh, yeah! Hmph!

Over there Send the word, send the word over there That the Yanks are coming--

Come on, Bart. Ride me. I better not. He's insulting both of us. Let's go.

Do you accept or are you a coward? I... am a coward!

I'll just push the button for the stimulator--

Aw! Look how happy she is. Her eyes aren't focused.

Uh-uh. You gotta be 40 inches tall for the adult section. Please? Okay. But get on your tippie toes. Everybody's hugging! Hey, Bart. I finished organizing the stockroom.

Dad, remember when Tom had you in that headlock... and you screamed, "I'm a hemophiliac," and when he let you go you kicked him in the back? Yeah? Will you teach me how to do that? Sure, boy. First, you gotta shriek like a woman. And keep sobbing till he turns away in disgust.

And a nation is born. Now let us party like 'twere 1799. Quaff! Quaff! Quaff! Please, sir, You're destroying my establishment.

Arrest that guy. And that's the end of that chapter.

Mesquite-grilled onions, jalapeño relish. Wait a minute. Those are southwestern ingredients! Mango lime salsa? That's the kind of bold flavor they enjoy in... Albuquerque!

Boi-oi-oi-oingggg! Why did you say that? Is your check gonna bounce? No. Of course not. Duh!

Is that you, Apu? Whoa! Time has ravaged your once-youthful looks. Ah, well, Sanjay. That is the end of our freak show.

(GASPS) (SCREAMS)

Snowball fight!

He likes you. How dare you destroy my valuable wall and spill my priceless acid? Did you really think you were going to get away with it? - I wasn't-- - Silence! I'm going to give you one more chance-- at a reduced salary. So straighten up and fly right. But, sir, if I could--

Thanks for the correction. That's part of the honesty. Son, I just want to leave you with a piece of advice. Become emotionally dead. Leave your body.

I'm so glad you could join us for Homer's big premiere. Poochie's based on me. Is this seat taken, little girl? - I'm not a girl! Are you blind? - Yes. I am stoked, Mr. S. Shh. Everybody, it's coming on!

That's like asking the square root of a million. No one will ever know.

I hope my poor little baby's okay. See for yourself. Unh! It would be wrong to suggest this sort of mayhem began with rock and roll.

and a flavorless mush I call "rootmarm"?

I was born a no-goodnik, and I'll die a no-goodnik.

Now, pretend I'm a baby. Me like to explore. That's a pretty big caboose for a baby. Homer, don't be-- Wow, that is huge.

Let's tear this place apart! Good idea!

sponsored by the Gasoline Producers of America. Hello. I'm an electric car. I can't go very fast or very far. And if you drive me, people will think you're gay.

it's not unusual to have fun with anyone Mwah! Ooh! Get help, luv. Call Interpol, get me a hacksaw, anything. It's not unusual it happens every day no matter what you say

Oh, really now, that's too much. It's Sideshow Bob! You wrote me those letters. You awful man! Stay away from my son. Oh, I'll stay away from your son, all right. Stay away... forever. Oh, no! Wait a minute. That's no good.

He came over to say hi.

Maybe you should take a rest. Not while one of my fans needs me. Actually, I don't know if I've ever heard Bart play your albums. Shh! Marge, he's a good digger. Uhh! Sting! Mom! Dad!

And I'm sure a pro wrestler such as yourself will appreciate all the closet space, Hitman. Ew. This place has got old man stink.

Now throughout history, when people get wood, they'll think of Trojans.

Greetings, chums! Were your days at work as profitable as mine? I just had a sinful shopping spree at Wee World. We're having the best spring break of our lives, and we don't need you around nerding it up. That job is taken. But surely I and my $600...

Now, boys and girls let's welcome our very special guest Ted Carpenter from the Twirl King Yo-Yo Company.

- So, what if it did? - So, it is very thoughtless. I should cut you like I cut sodium out of my diet. You don't scare me with your dignity and your subtle cologne. Then perhaps you should be taught a lesson by us... Los Souvenir Chaquitos.

Can we have a can of frosting for lunch? Okay. "You will not see me again until I am a man." Oh, Homer... Homer! We're all in shock.

I have to get off the plane. Let me off the plane. I'm asking you nicely to open the doors! Take it easy, Marge. How about if we dope you up real good? Let me off! Let me off! Let me off! Let me off! Let me off! Let me off! Let me off! Let me off! Let me off! Let me off!

I know. I know. My mind says, "Stop," but my heart... and my hips cry, "Proceed."

The itChy and scraTchy show "Hundreds would die, but not the thing they died for. A man can stand up." Wow! Mm-hmm. If you'd like to learn more about colonial times,

Oh, that's good. That's good, 'cause I want trouble. Then we're agreed. There'll be trouble. Oh, yeah! Lots of trouble. - Trouble it is! - For you.

w' it tastes like liberty] w' Like a ribs w' With a bun of sesame w'w' f Male Announcer] We start with authentic letter-graded meat...

Stop endangering yourself. Stop endangering yourself.

That, plus politics. You know, it's all politics. Lousy Democrats.

I don't need your crummy job. I won the lottery! Well, I won the lottery too! We both won the lottery! Why don't you win the lottery too? Where everybody wins! Actual odds of winning: one in 380 million. The lottery--

Cheese! Oh! That's muy picante! Oh, Homer, you are so brave. If anyone deserves to take a penny, it is you. Oh, well-- Hmm. Oh, I'll-- No. Come on. There's only one in there.

we're the highlights in your hairdo the extra arms on Vishnu so don't take the--

Astronomers from Tacoma to Vladivostok have just reported... an ionic disturbance in the vicinity of the Van Allen belt. Scientists are recommending that all necessary precautions be taken.

Well, I'm off to market. Marge, you're making a complete fool of yours-- Oh, it's just Barney. Precious alcohol, soaking in the shag!

NO-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O!

Whoever brings down that balloon doesn't have to learn fractions. Uh, careful, children. That's my car.

- I surrender. - Not so fast. That's what I call breakneck speed. Mom, a man just died.

Meow. I can't go on. You two go ahead. And carry me with you. Oh, come on, man.

Spell "AC/DC." A-C-D-C. Uh-uh. You forgot the lightning bolt. - "Relapse." - R-E-L-A-P-S-E. That's what beer has done to me. Sock it to me. Sock it to me. Sock it to me.

Okay. Well, she's into Buddhism, whistle-blowing, totally against pollution, no matter what I say. Liberal wacko, eh? Any young beaux? Well, that loser Milhouse has always had a thing for her. Don't you love it when nerds don't know they're nerds? Yes.

I forgot to wear socks today. Guess I can't try those on. Yeah, no problem. You can wear the store sock. Ew. Would you mind lacing 'em up, kid? I have a bad back. Hey, if you didn't want to tie shoes, you shouldn't have become a shoe salesman.

J l pat a spell on your J Because you 're mine J J Stop the things you do J

But then she gouges your eyes out. I hear she mates with men, then eats them. I'm sure if Marge were here and not crazy, she'd be telling you two to do your homework, and you to finish washing the dog.

- Hey, what does this job pay? - Nothin'. D'oh! Unless you're crooked. Whoo-hoo!

It was worth it.

(LAUGHING NERVOUSLY) (LAUGHING MANIACALLY) (THUNDER CLAPS) (MANIACAL LAUGHING CONTINUES)

"Nobody, "of the hundreds of people that had visited the fair, "knew that a gray spider... "had played the most important part of all. No one was with her when she died."

Dad, what are you doin' here? Readin' about this Edison character. They won't let me in the big people library downtown. There was some... unpleasantness. I can never go back.

Ye-- You know, the-- One thing I should-- - Excuse me for one second. - Of course.

Is it my imagination, or is TV getting worse? Ah, it's about the same. Uh-oh! Look out, Smithers! I love this show. Well, well. Look who's come to apologize.

Good. Good. Wait a minute. Somebody's off the beat. Let me hear you two. Okay, now you. Whoa. Children, stop it.

Hiya, Homer. That's not Homer. It's gotta be. He's parking in Homer's space. Well, time to get to work. Mmm. Simpson! Aah! I've just reviewed your 10-year performance record, and it's appalling.

We now return to Search for the Sun. Accordin' to Daddy's will, I inherit the entire plantation. I'll see to it you don't get apricot one.

Anyhoo, this is your last chance. Turn over the baby now.

So this stuff really works? Certainly does. - Oh, well, lots of luck! - Oh!

They just use your mind and they never give you credit Hmm.

It's Big Gorilla Week on Million Dollar Movie. Come on, boy. Uh, no, Dad. I should really-- Ah ! Ooh ! Gorilla the Conqueror. The granddaddy of them all. Oh, well, maybe just one more hour.

Are you okay? I don't smell dinner.

So why'd they send you to juvie? - Shoplift a scrunchie? - Get bent. I pushed Snow White over the parapet at Disneyland. BART: Oh, man. Did she live? Yeah. But it's not a good life.

Hey, good-looking, we'll be back to pick you up later. He's in for some loving. It's the perfect gift for birthdays, graduations,

This is for Sideshow Bob. Marvelous, marvelous. Funny till the end. Moment of silence. Well, it's my show now. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

- Whoa-a-a-aaah ! - A-a-a-aaah ! Wh-o-o-o-a ! Bitchin' !

Come, family. Sit in the snow with Daddy, and let us all bask in television's warm, glowing, warming glow.

Give up, Mr. Simpson! We know you have the Olympic torch!

But wait. If you saved Selma, why did the room explode? Oh, I'll field that one. Me and the boys were celebrating A Job well done... When I threw my match in the vicinity of the crime scene. Oh, right, the gas. I'll be back. You can't keep the democrats out of the white house forever...

This was the biggest decision the Simpsons ever faced. I should've listened to the kids instead of my big, dumb wife. I shouldn't have called her that. Bite my tongue-- Oww !

I could even tell the F.C.C. to take a hike. Look at this list of words they won't let me say on the air. Aw, all the good ones. Hmm. I never even heard of number nine. It's doin' 13 while she's "elevening" your five. Can I keep this? Sure. No 12 off my ass.

What are you laughing about? You started off as the bad cop. And now you're the good one. You and Willie got mixed-up about 10 minutes ago.

Care to join me in a belt of scotch? It's 9:30 in the morning. Yeah, but I haven't slept in days. Last chance. Oh, yeah. Mr. Burns, we've got witnesses, precedent and a paper trail a mile long.

- Hey, nice threads. - I'm beat. And after work, I gotta dedicate a new Jiffy Lube and cohost the ACE Awards. Wow! jiffy Lube! Boy, you're really running yourself ragged.

Point of order. I didn't lose all the money. There was enough left for this cowbell. Damn you, eBay!

Someone finally bought a copy of your book, sir. Well, this calls for a celebration. Celebrate good times Come on I will. Hello, Americans. Paul Harvey here.

A little predinner entertainment. Moe's Tavern. Is Oliver there ? Who ? Oliver Klozoff. Hold on. I'll check. Oliver Klozoff ! Call for Oliver Klozoff ! And I made reservations at the Chez Paree.

Route 401 is going around and around... and around and around and around.

I can't believe you guys. This man framed Krusty the Clown.

You can't protect her forever, you stupid lady.

Uh, the shoes are part of the uniform. Right, Chief. Oh, they drugged the tea. They knew my one weakness.

Oh, dear God! I've let my organ lust come between me and my son. (WEEPING) Well, it's not too late. You can still fly to Stockholm. Well, it better be first class. Comic Book Guy's ass won't fit in coach. You may keep my posterior. Just please return the "Jabba the Butt" tattoo.

Lisa's gone berserk. Do something, Homer. Do something! Oh. Thanks, Dad. I didn't think. I... just acted. Self-tapping shoes? I'm ever so pissed. I'm sorry, Vicki. I just wanted to be a dancer so badly.

Pedestrian. Uninspired. I didn't say stop.

Hey, what do you think he meant by that "fools" remark? Aw, who cares? Time to get me a mountain bike. Hey, what gives? Where are the mountain bikes? Sorry about the ruse, gentlemen.

What's the point of having a Honda if you can't show it off? Sir, if you'll just stop yelling at me, I'm sure I can find a replacement.

I wish I had amoria phlebitis.

Hello. What's this? Wire hangers. Expired medicine. Old newspapers! Okay, Homer, stay calm. just quietly get this stuff inside your house. Homer, you're not listening!

Hey. Homer, did you just call everyone "chicken"? No. I swear on this Bible. That's not a Bible. That's a book of carpet samples. Ooh, fuzzy.

Ah, yes. The special demotivational plaque... to break what's left of your spirit. Because, you see, you're here forever. Don't forget: You're here forever.

Don't kill me. I ain't gonna kill ya. That'd be cowardly. Monty Burns cowardly. I just wanna watch you squirm. Yes, sir. Is this to your liking?

I am so cheesed off! I need a drink! Then you should thank God you're in a rehab center, 'cause we're packin'! Yar. A couple of these and your first mate turns into Reese Witherspoon.

Time to destroy your future. Feeling flu-ish, fever, nausea, child germs. No. Must participate in democratic process.

not seen since the small plane crash that killed the Banana Splits.

You missed a spot! (SPITS) Do it again! Yes, Mr. Gheet. I'm Anoop, you racist cracker!

You removed it from its original packaging! No! It's no longer a collectible! Oh! Oh!

I have powers that-- - Hello, Ralph. - Aah! Uh, hi, Bart. I know you from school. Yes. A simple proposition, Ralph. How would you like to make a dollar? Uh, I don't know. All you have to do is sign a paper that says I can have your soul.

D'oh! Oh, my God! It's burning up! Beer! Beer! Give me some beer! Homer! You promised you wouldn't drink. But I need it! Oh, lousy Wiggum. Now the whole town thinks I'm a chili wuss.

How come you never gave me any encouragement? Maybe I could've been something more than I am, like a travel agent to a great scientist... or the inventor of a hilarious refrigerator alarm. Who are you to complain? You lock me up in a home... and give me the same damn shower-safety seat every Christmas.

Can we please stop somewhere? My butt's asleep.

That night came the honeymoon. Eww! She's faking it.

Here. Shake hands with the Slash-Co. Handle first, handle first.

Academy Award Playhouse now returns you to Hercules Versus the Martians. Welcome to our spaceship, mighty Hercules. Heh-heh.

I want the readers to gag on their morning cup of joe. Snot a problem, chief. Don't call me chief. - Sure thing, jerk. - Chief is fine. You're on the Morning Zoo with Bill and Marty! What's your Wednesday whine? MR. BURNS: Well, first of all, I agree with you two, it's sheer humbuggery that pretty girls can flirt their way out of speeding tickets.

Wow. What a high-tech wonderland. Oop, got an itch. Ew. Whoa! This place has everything, even a Shoplifting Department.

Say, Homer, lwas, uh- I was wondering if I could borrow... that chainsaw you, uh, stole from me. Yeah. But you have to leave a credit card. No problem. Discover okay? Ned! Okay, here's my Amex. Huh? Huh, huh? Mm-hmm.

Dad, we didn't come halfway around the world to eat at Americatown. I'd like to see the japanese take on the club sandwich. I bet it's smaller and more efficient. We now return to Battling Seizure Robots.

D'oh! Eew! This is the worst place yet. Oh, my god! Look at the--

See, I told ya. There's nothin' to worry about. This place isn't--

That's a hitchhiker, Homer. Ooh, let's pick him up. No. What if he's crazy? And what if he's not? Then we'd look like idiots. We're not picking him up. Oh, yes, we are. There's not enough room. Yes, there is. I just don't think it's a good idea. And I think it's the best idea I've ever had. We're picking up the weirdo, and that's final.

Come on. Don't be stuck-up. It's going to be great. Well, why not? This party's just getting started! Stop the celebration! That small boy is drunk! Yea, Bart!

Boy, I sure could go for 100 tacos right about now. No.

We may be the best parents in the world. Mm. Good night, dear. Good night.

Word. It just sounds like something I would say. Shh!

Dad, what is that? Well, if Bart can be El Barto- Oh, if only I had your courage, senor. Oh, thanks- Dad, you’re getting paint on your wedding ring.

Plump succulent sausage, honey-smoked bacon and glistening, sizzling-- I'm dying. I'm dying.

Let's get out of here, Thelma. Okay, Louise.

She was the prettiest girl I'd ever seen. (CHUCKLING NERVOUSLY) Until I met your mother, who made that girl look like a Godzilla made of garbage! Homer, that girl was me!

Sweet bowling alley balloon, you're my only friend. What was that about?

Oh, I don't know. Too late! Oh, Lord, please give me the strength... to endure Homer Simpson's friendship. Hmm, your car. Boy, what are the odds, huh?

Comic Book Guy's secret stash. Look at all these bootleg videos. Alien Autopsy. Illegal Alien Autopsy. Godfather III: Good Version. He's got the tape of Kent Brockman picking his nose. Look! He's picking his nose!

All right! Bologna and cheese! What do you got, Bart? A pack of sugar and peanut butter smeared on a playing card. Ha-ha! Your mom's a jailbird. - So's yours. - Oh, yeah. Let's play.

the god of worldly wisdom located in the employee lounge. Hey, Ganesha, want a peanut? Please do not offer my god a peanut. No offense, Apu, but when they were handing out religions, you must've been out taking a whiz. Mr. Simpson, please pay for your purchases and get out and come again. Pride goeth before destruction!

And I'll never have that recipe again oh, no Oh, that just kept goin', huh?

Hot town Summer in the city Back of my neck gettin' dirty and gritty Mannequins! You can't buy these! Oh, look at all these tube socks! But at night it's a different world Go out and find a girl Come on, come on and dance all night Despite the heat it'll be all right

Hello. Dad, what are you doin' here? Lookin' for my teeth. Gimme those! Better wash these off. Oh, the hell with it.

These fumes aren't as fun as beer. Sure, I'm all dizzy and nauseous, but where's the inflated sense of self-esteem? Oh! I-- Hey, if you guys are getting loaded off them fumes, I'm gonna have to charge you. Man alive, there are men alive in here.

Dibs. First dibs. I get to lick the beaters. Ow ! Ow ! Ow ! Litha, my "ongue" is "uck" in the "eaters." My "ongue" !

(LAUGHING IN FRENCH ACCENT)

We're on strike! Oh, no. Strike? Miss Hoover, are you on-- Go home, children. Hello! Mrs. Pommelhorst! I'd like to get down now.

No refunds. Force majeure. Read the back of your ticket. Oh! $900?

Lisa, look out behind you! Dad, I'm not gonna fall for that. No, Lisa, I swear to you! I'm 100% completely serious! You've gotta turn around right now before it's too late! - Huh? - Sucker!

So what do you call this stuff? A double tall mocha latte.

Thank you, thank you. Lisa, do you want a bite of my ice cream? No, thanks. Send it this way, boy. - Whoops! - Aww. Aw, nothing gets chocolate out. See?

I know what you mean.

Go! Go! Go! "P"! "P"! "P"!

Clang, clang, clang went the trolley Ring, ring, ring went the bell - Zing, Zing, zing went my heart strings-- Thank you! Give the bully an extra point.

Hmm. I guess I could.

Come on. I dare ya. Chicken. Hey. Homer, did you just call everyone "chicken"? No. I swear on this Bible.

That's the plan.

Game over. Please deposit 40 quarters.

Hmm. Oh! How 'bout paint by numbers? It's so rigid and uncreative. Okay. Oh, leather craft.

I'm very proud of you, Mr. Plow. This might sound silly, but just for a change, would you mind-- Cutting my nails? Brushing my teeth? No, no. Could you wear the Mr. Plow jacket?

Faster, Marge! Faster! The snapping turtles are massing!

This year's tree is just perfect. That old aluminium one was so fake. I couldn't agree more. From now on, it's plastic all the way.

I can't get any closer. You'll have to jump! Piece of cake, son. Crap! Crap! Crap! Crap! Crap! Crap! Crap! Crap! Crap! Crap!

Where are we going? Where are we going? Okay, okay. Don't panic. To find Flanders, I just have to think like Flanders. I'm a big, four-eyed lame-o, and I wear the same stupid sweater every day, and-- The Springfield River!

You dirty bast..!

Granny, I'm gonna shoot me some Vietcong. Yeah? Well, I ain't cooking 'em. (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) And George Jefferson, wherever you are, we love you and want you to come home. Well, we're movin' on up Movin' on up To the east side

Quiet down, Bart! Bart, just get out of here. Hey, it's a free country. You get out. That doesn't make sense. I know you are, but what am I? Get out! Get out! Okay! But on my way, I'm gonna be doing this.

And-- That's for employing me for eight years! Ha-ha! And that is that.

Don't worry, Son. I'll build you a new tree house-- one so grand it'll be an affront to God himself. Can it have a rope ladder you can pull up after you? Only if it's an affront to God.

Don't you remember, Dad? Flanders is the unquestioned lord and master of the world. D'oh!

And so, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I rest my case. Hmm. Mr. Hutz, do you know you're not wearing any pants? What?

What happens when he walks into my store? Then we'll see who's worried about five-day waiting periods. Dad, it's 3:00 a.m.! Can't you mutter in your room? Marge kicked me out. All right. Go ahead. Pushy kids think they can tell me what to do in my house.

Even though reopening a trial at this point... is illegal and grossly unconstitutional, I just can't say no to kids.

Let's see. Pause. Uh, three. No. FF--

Your father-- me-- beat city hall. It's just like David and Goliath, only this time David won. Oh. I know. I heard it too. Here's some musiC.

Don't look out the window!

What the..? D'oh!

Hey, Dolph, take a memo in your Newton. Beat up Martin. Bah! Yeow! All right, first academic alert: Wiggum, Ralph.

Whew. Superintendent, I hope you're ready for mouthwatering hamburgers. I thought we were having steamed clams. D'oh, no. I said steamed hams. That's what I call hamburgers. You call hamburgers steamed hams?

Say hello to our little genius, Martin, who looks even smarter... in this vest and short pant combination from Mr. Boy of Main Street.

Ooh! Lisa, I found a big caramel deposit at the small of her back.

Krusty, are you all right? Yes, it's just that saying the Brucha brings back a lot of painful memories. The old days... my... my father.

It's not fair. (SOBBING) I can't stand seeing one of my children like this. (MUFFLED SOBBING) Oh, I can still hear her! I better do something!

Hey, lots of people like eel pie! Yeah? Well, how many of them have mutton chops? And why can't you be more like Eddie? He never says a word against me. Well, that's because you cut out his tongue. (MUMBLES) He's right, Chief. Inspector Wiggum, you are the most famous member of Scotland Yard. Why would you do this?

They bite and light and bite and light and bite You know what I'm talking about.

(WHIMPERING) (CHUCKLING) That hilarious footage was shot by local hunter, Grant Connor. Not with a gun, but with a camera!

Hmm. Clean house, no silverfish. Could've been very happy here. Homer. Moe. What are you doin' here? I, um-- Well, I--

Good night, "Retch" Dude and "Slobber" Girl. Sweet screams. i'm unbelievably amused.

Thanks to you, Lisa-- and our hemp-smoking friend. Shine on, you crazy diamond. Sounds like somebody's living in the past. Contemporize, man! Well, Lisa, as my adviser, you're entitled to 10%.

Not talking, eh, Willie? Just listen then. I think I figured out... what sets off that big ape Francine. Willie? Willie? Whoa!

Hey, Homer's choking again. Isn't there a first-aid chart around here somewhere? Somebody scare him. That's for the hiccups. Hey, look at this. Softball starts this week. Softball?

Well, I'll just have to find another little girl to be president. What's your friend janey's number? No! Not janey! She'll pack the Supreme Court with boys! Oh, let me help you, George Washington. I still want to help you! I want to help you, George Washington? Even your dreams are square.

Super freak Super freak I'm super freakin' Yow Aw, man. What'd I do now?

Good. Yo, Pete. Pete Sampras. Hmm? Get over here. Yes! I'm in. Hmm? Everybody's been dumped but me. I'm "un-dumpable." Yoink. My tennis stick. - Who are you? - I'm Andre Agassi.

Homie, aren't you coming inside? Marge, I have always carried myself... with a certain quiet dignity. Tonight, you robbed me of it. I'm going now and I don't know when you'll see me again.

Mom! Make Dad tell the story right. That's what really happened. Oh. My marketing plan attracted a record number... of police and fire officials, but few stayed to bowl. I failed. Quitting my dream job was the hardest thing I've ever done.

Oh! He's really gone. He's gone!

I concur! (BOOING) Son, did you ever suspect it was me? Well, you did disappear a lot but I've gone whole summers without seeing you. (LAUGHS) Yeah. I'm pretty unreliable. I like you, Son. I like you, too, Dad.

Yeah, we lived here till the bank foreclosed in '63. Farm went bust after the cows started givin' sour milk. Somethin' must've spooked 'em good. Yah! Stupid cows! Yah!

I hope you kept the Homie fires burning.

Are you sure this is the casino? I think I should call my manager. Your manager says for you to shut up! Vera said that? Huh. Dad! Mom said she'd be home to help me with my costume.

Someone is charging room service to the company, sir. Well, we'll just see about that. Fly, my pretties, fly! Continue the research.

Oh, my God! I killed the mayor. All right, stay calm. I'll just use the body to stage an elaborate farce À la Weekend at Bernie's and-- Help. Help. His corpse is climbing the building. I'm alive, you idiot.

Action. Kiss me, Diego. But your husband's animals are watching. Where do you think I learned to do this? Mmm. Whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. This movie’s turning into "SpongeBob NoPants.” Cut.

Aren't we forgetting something, Marge? You were down $5,200 dollars. But Mr. Trebek-- I asked you before the game... if you knew the rules, and you said you did. judges. Run, Mom. She ain't gettin' the home version.

Homer, I'm so mad at you. I'll bet you blew up the town just to get out of cleaning the garage. (LAUGHING) Everything's coming up Homer.

I've got it! Dad, give me $750. Okay.

Whoa! Whoa! We're lumberjacks! Oh, my God. Look at this place. How could this happen? There's candy chewed, wigs pulled from stands, cheese packages poked and repoked.

Marge, I don't want to buy this house. I'd have to live next door to myself. (LOUD MUSIC PLAYING) Turn that down. Screw you. (GRUNTS) Relax. We're just looky-loos.

And shame on your whole ill-mannered town! Hey, that guy's shaming us. My self-esteem sure didn't need that! (ALL GRUNTING) Ow! JIMBO: Loser! (BOYS GRUNTING) DOLPH: Yeah, get out, shamey.

And the critics loved it too. I remember Vincent Canby said-- I'm gonna kill you, Homer. You are so dead. Now Chinatown was a classic. But you had problems with the sequel, The Two jakes? Oh, boy. Disappointed? I had the blues like Chasen's had chili.

Dios mio, this kid is fun to hit!

KFSL-- Fossil 103. Classic hits from ABBA to Zeppelin, comma, Led. we are winners and losers Tell him! Uh, Mr. Simpson, sir? Can you please change the radio station?

but he very well could be. So, Professor, would you say it's time for everyone to panic? Yes, I would, Kent.

Simpson! Hey, Homer. That character is you all over. Come on, Homer. Act all stupid, like you do on TV. Yeah, come on, dum-dum. Do something unintelligent there. Shut up! I'm not your clown! Don't diminish me!

even cynical members of Generation X. Yeah, "groovy."

That arranged can be. Wha-- Aaah! Yes! Fight and struggle. If I know me, he won't like being kicked in the crotch. - Gott in Himmel! - Oh, Marge. It's me, the real Homer.

I'm not missing anything. Frozen earlobes, trudging up that stupid sled hill over and over again. How good could it be ?

What's the problem? Well, my family wants to move back to Springfield. Let 'em go. You'll stay here with me. We'll go bowling. What's bothering 'em? Nothing big. It's just a lot of little things. Well, you can't argue with the little things. It's the little things that make up life.

We're Cyanide. A loving tribute to Poison. We need a ride home!

I guess it is a little funny.

Hey, we know how to play softball.

Welcome, kindergarteners. I'm Principal Sinner-- Skinner. Well, that's it. I've lost them forever. Now I'd like to introduce you to Lunch Lady Doris, who will serve you healthy, nutritious meals. Yeah, right.

Help me! Are you helping me? Or are you going on and on? Oh, right. And, of course, within we find the doomed individual.

"Come to Homer's BBBQ. The extra 'B' is for BYOBB." What's that extra "B" for? That's a typo.

Uh, you're not a sucker, are you, sir? Heavens, no!

"Yvan eht nioj." They keep saying that. Wait. What was that? Uncle Sam? Let me play this backwards. Join the navy Join the navy.

Well, Marge, we solved the case of the haunted quarry. Homer, shouldn't we give that skull to Mr. Smithers? Why? He'd just bury it. Hey! Hey! I found a clue that's gonna bust your mystery wide open! Sorry. We already solved it.

Whoo-hoo! l rule this pseudo sport! Come back to me, boy!

The police have such a strong case against Homer. Mr. Burns said he did it. They have Homer's D.N.A. They have Simpson D.N.A. It could have come from any of us. Except you, since you're a Bouvier. No, no, no, when I took your father's name, I took everything that came with it, including D.N.A. Okay, Mom. Anyway, my point is...

Come on, Chalmie. You fired Skinner for less than this. Yeah, I did, but Skinner really bugged me. Besides, the way America's public schools are sliding, they'll all be this way in a few months.

Let me ask you this: Does your money ever hug you when you come home at night? Why, no. And does it ever say "I love you"? No, it doesn't. Nobody loves you Nobody loves you You're old and you're ugly Way to go, Homer!

Look at me, Grandma. I'm a hippie. Peace, man. Groovy. Bomb Vietnam! Four more years! Up with people!

Silver and gold Silver and gold Mean so much more when I see First, we'll buy gifts for each other, then we'll spend the rest of the cash on a Christmas tree so large, its absence from the forest will cause mudslides and flooding! ALL: Yay!

It also comes with a notepad and pen that works upside-down. I'm upside-down so much! If I buy this, I won't have anything left for a Christmas tree. ASTROLABE: Today is the birthday of comedienne Margaret Cho. That's the birthday I'm always forgetting! I must have it!

Hey! Nobody calls Moe St. Cool a phony!

Why, you're not from Scotland at all! Ah, don't be daft. I was born in-- Hey, what the-- My retirement grease! No! Ya thievin' grease bandits! I'll kill ya! Wait up!

Oh, I couldn't read it. The letters are all blurry. Is it possible all your misbehavior and miserable grades... have been caused by a simple vision disorder? You mean it ain't me noggin', it's me Peepers? Oh, well, that's just "loverly."

You are the rudest man who ever... bought me dinner. Correction. I do not believe I have ever bought you-- Oh.

And as for you, I don't know you, but I'm sure you're a jerk! Hey, I've only been here a few minutes. What's going on? You ugly, hate-filled man! Hey-- Hey, I may be ugly and hate-filled, but I've, um-- What was the third thing you said?

Thank God you're here. We'd like to come in and drink, please. We kicked down the back door, but then there was a metal door. Yeah, all right. Listen up. This is the busiest drinking day of the year. Where are the designated drivers? Beat it! I got no room for cheapskates.

Oh, yeah, like you don't know. - We're gonna have sex. - Oh. Well, we don't have to. Yes, we do. The cookie told me so. Well, desserts aren't always right. But they're so sweet.

Well, Bart, your Uncle Arthur used to have a saying, "Shoot 'em all, and let God sort 'em out." Unfortunately, one day he put his theory into practice. It took 75 federal marshals to bring him down. Now, let's never speak of him again.

You know, I can wait just as long as you. Knock it off! Now, boys and girls let's welcome our very special guest Ted Carpenter from the Twirl King Yo-Yo Company. Kids, this is a yo-yo.

Well, off to the plant, then to the Duff Brewery. Uh-oh. Did I say that or just think it? I gotta think of a line fast. Homer, are you going to the Duff Brewery?

Let's go. I guess nobody likes the truth, huh, Grampa? Nope. I'll never watch an awards show again. Unless that delightful Billy Crystal's involved.

Looks like those clowns in Congress did it again. What a bunch of clowns. How does he keep up with the news like that?

then a boat enthusiast, amateur historian, yo-yo dieter,

We are now developing our most powerful dance-- the Penetrada. It makes sex look like a church!

Get out. Get out! Yea!

Get your T-shirts here! "I survived the Springfield riot!" Remember me as a hero.

Yes, it is. And we can't have you out there mucking it up, now can we? No, sir. That's a good boy. Let's get you some ice cream. There we are. Look. You can drug me all you want, but my family won't rest until they find my drug-bloated corpse! I wouldn't count on that, Number Five.

We didn't all go to Gudger College. It's dignity! Gah! Don't you even know dignity when you see it? - Kirk, you're spitting! - Okay, genius, why don't you draw dignity?

What's this? "Goodbye, Springfield"? NED: "The Flanders family has pulled up stakes. "You have laughed at us for the last-diddly-ast time." "Last-diddly-ast"? (WAILING) He's gone! And it's all someone's fault!

What's happening to me? There's still food, but I don't want to eat it. I've become everything I've ever hated.

Gentlemen, we have to reinvent Malibu Stacy for the '90s. We'll stay here all night, if need be. Can we order Chinese food? Yes. You know a good place?

Wave to brunch, Maggie.

Where did my Christian limo driver go? (TIRES SCREECHING) My pious husband is missing. The baby I chose to have baptized is gone.

Abandoned by his parents at age four, Frank never got to go to school. He spent his childhood years as a delivery boy, delivering toys to more fortunate children. Then, on his 18th birthday, he was blown up in a silo explosion.

I think it's pretty obvious that I don't!

J You’re like X-Men number three in a Mylar bag J

- Good grief. - Oh! My head!

(ALL CHEER) This contest is moot! A li'l star has been made!

Bartron, the evil robot from Mars gone berserk. Do I understand you correctly, Bartron?

w'w' f Show Theme]

if you dont, the oven 's not on. ...ten... 11... 12l I can bench twice as much as when I started. And look at my abs. Mom!

What are you laughing about? You started off as the bad cop. And now you're the good one. You and Willie got mixed-up about 10 minutes ago. We did not! Now, where's Bart? You better tell me! Oh! You better tell him, lassie. I cannot control him when he gets like this. Now you're the good cop. What?

(CRYING) (LAUGHING) (CRYING) (LAUGHING) (CRYING) To cope with the crisis, many consumers are turning to alternative forms of treatment.

Here comes "two."

These animals certainly act different at night.

Hey, love birds, keep it down. Look what I got, Marge. A baby monitor. Baby to Marge. Baby to Marge. Wah! Wah! Over. I don't know how we can afford these things on your salary.

just a minute! Don't hang up! Y'ello? You'll have to speak up. I'm wearing a towel.

Meet me at the tree house, Bart. And come alone. - Thanks for coming. - I please to aim.

Mom, that was incredible. Oh, nothing's more powerful than a mother's love. Mom, your hair! Don't worry. We've got two hours before it burns down to my head. Our top story tonight... I'm about to die. Oh...

Moe's Tavern. Hold on. I'll check. Uh, hey, everybody. I'm a stupid moron with an ugly face and a big butt... and my butt smells and I like to kiss my own butt. That's a new one! Wait a minute.

Get dancin', dancin', dance Guaranteed to rock the boat Machine-gun rap and locomote Get dancin', dancin', dance Come on, baby. Come out there and dance to your song. Turn yourself on! Over Hollywood-- America needs you!

Ow! Aah! Ow! Aah! Ow! Oh! Dirty diapers on strings! Ow! Ohh! Ohh! Ow! Ooh!

Hello. I'm Cornelius Talmadge. My family brought me here on Monday, but I broke free and went on a bit of a bender. Wait a minute. If you're Cornelius Talmadge, then who's--

Homer? In America, first you get the sugar, then you get the power, then you get the women.

and let me try with pleasured hands Huh? To take you in the sun to promised lands to show you everyone it's the time of the season For loving

Now can we go home? Laddie saved the day, Simpson. Boy, we sure could use a dog like that on the force! Why don't you guys take him? I thought he was the right dog for me, but I guess I made a mistake. Really? No foolin'? Ah, gee! Thanks, mister. We'll take real good care of him.

- Whoa, man. - Whoa nothing. I'm gonna do something your daddy should've done a long time ago. Now, go home and think about what you've done, young man.

Oh, that was close. - Oh, I knew this would happen. - Well, at least the burglar's having a merry Christmas.

Ah, the old folks. It happens every heat wave. Okay, people, out of my freezer! But we're hot and elderly! I'm sorry, these are reserved for the recently deceased. Hmm.

Hello, I am Plato. Please partake of keno, craps and the loosest slots in town. My philosophy is, enjoy.

Ned Flanders actually eliminated detention... and put the whole school on the honor system? Yeah. The teachers are afraid to leave the faculty lounge. Oh, that place must be falling apart.

Huh? Smithers, there's a rocket in my pocket. You don't have to tell me, sir.

and if America wins a gold medal... you win a free Krusty Burger! Mmm, mmm, mmm! And cut! Blah! I almost swallowed some of the juice.

What's a Tim Conway? Oh, about a 120 pounds. It's the Simpson family smile-time variety hour

Milhouse has one. If Milhouse jumped off a cliff-- Milhouse jumped off a cliff? I'm there. Get back here, boy. You're a disgrace to this family, and its proud naval tradition. Well, I'm keeping this earring, and you can't stop me! Oh. I always thought Lisa would be the one to get her ears pierced. Can I? No!

Well, we better start our Love Day cleanup. You kids take care of the wrapping paper. I'm going to dismantle Love Land.

I'm talking about his-- personal area. Aha. Say no more. I read you loud and clear. The old shoulder pads. Look, I want a cup. Cup. Could you spell that?

He's the greatest showman since that kid who eats worms. My 15 minutes of fame are over.

I'm a rage-aholic. I just can't live without rage-ahol!

So, Patty, you're a woman who likes women. I guess that fear I always had of you stealing Homer away is unfounded. (BOTH SPITTING) Marge, I'd be a lot more worried about me leaving you for a sausage patty than your sister, Patty. (LAUGHS) (SCREAMS) Next time it'll be your eye.

Extra cheese? What do you take me for? Lorenzo de' Medici? See you soon.

Ready as she'll ever be. Mister, you got yourself A deal.

All right, I got it. Come on. Get off the-- Bad baby! Oh. She's entering the terrible twos, all right.

And away we go!

Me in a nuclear power plant. Kaboom !

Store-bought snack cakes-- both kinds. Hmm. Hmm. - Hmm-- Hmm. - Grr!

All right, you balls of pan drippings! I want to see Crisco coming out of those pores! We're not leaving until this Christmas ham gives me a pull-up.

Help! Please help me! Willie, please! Mr. Van Houten has the floor. I, for one, would like to see the cafeteria menus in advance... so parents can adjust their dinner menus accordingly. I don't like the idea of Milhouse having two spaghetti meals in one day.

Remember, Elliott, I'll be right here. Pure egotism. Self-indulgent tripe.

I've seen teams suck before, but they were the suckiest bunch of sucks that ever sucked.

Excuse me, little lady. The wheelbarrow line's over there. Oh, loneliness and cheeseburgers are a dangerous mix.

Ah. Yeah, it's like out of a storybook, ain't it? But he's really grown on me. He's got this insecure, sweaty charm. Oh, yeah, I got that. And he's so thoughtful. Last night he bought all the seats in a movie theater... just so we could have a romantic evening together. Yeah, well,

No, no, no, no, no. Young man, you need to do some serious boning. Oh, grow up, Lise. Okay, Libya. Exports. Yes, sir, you American pig. Nice touch.

Big fish! Big fish!

Gee, thanks, Moe. What's this? Ah, that's the barbed wire. We, uh-- We called that "the stinger." They don't let you use that no more.

we Will always love kamp krusty A reGistered trademark of the krusty corporation all rights reserved

No, I don't think so.

Hey! You can't have that! (SCREAMS) Lost your spine, huh? You just keep finding new ways to disappoint me.

Rip-off! We paid for blood! Let's tear this place apart! Good idea! Those kids are, like, so sweet.

watching TV on the couch?

Ah, nobody touched my rumaki. Rumaki! Yea! Isotopes!

Oh! Okay, go ahead. Wait! Wait! You can't do this! All my husband did was violate a law that doesn't make sense. Now, I'll admit, car crashes and fistfights have been down recently,

Hey, Lenny, sending some outgoing mail?

This is all my fault, Dad. I didn't want you to get hurt. Now I need to find another little brother. And I need to find another big brother. My car's gonna feel so empty on the ride home. And me, I have no ride at all.

Look! A fire... engine. Stop that! Help! Help! Fire... helmets.

Joe's Crematorium-- You kill 'em, we grill 'em.

(SCREAMS) (BOTH SCREAM) (SCREAMS) Hey, I didn't do anything. Yet. You've wrecked my life! You're gonna wreck my life!

Mom, are those rabbits dead? No. No, Lisa. They're just sleeping... upside down and inside out.

Well, what seems to be the problem, Officer? The problem is I cant seem to get an agent. Could you give your girlfriend my head shot? That's me as a greaser, emperor of China... Eleanor Roosevelt- very regal- and just plain me with an eye patch. I'll give it to my agent. I dont do TVI

Wait a minute. Capital City has a mascot. The greatest mascot there is-- the Capital City Goofball. Yeah, but he's gettin' on in years... and he needs someone to fill in for a couple innings a night. Could be a big opportunity for ya. I'll say ! Why don't you talk it over with your family ? Because they might say no.

Homer, I'll sew your pants, but I'm out of bologna.

Aye, aye, aye, where did you get this, ya shrunken old hag, ya?

Balderdash. This is the silliest load of--

No. I'm not setting foot outside this house until that man is gone. Oh, Dad, you are the living end. Hey, where'd that cool, creepy Santa come from? japan. Except over there they call him "Annual Gift Man," and he lives on the moon.

I nicked it when you let your guard down for that split second. And I'd do it again. Good-bye.

- What do we do? - Oh, wouldn't you like to know?

Itchy Poochie, Scratchbob Itchpants, Confederate Itchy and Osama Bin Scratchy.

I'm the last man alive, and I can do everything I've always wanted!

Foolish Earthling. Totally unprepared for the effects of time travel.

Yeah. What I'm saying is, all we have to do... is go down to the pound and get a new jazzman. Oh, Dad! Oh. I blew it again. What? Mmm.

Good night, losers.

This is Becky. She's in the second grade. Hi, Becky. Thanks for coming out. "See ya." He writes the way people talk!

Oh, yeah! Ah, geez. Ah! Ooh! Ah! - Whoa, Frank Sinatra! - For me, this is hell. You dig, pally? Ah, ah!

Ah. The baby who shot me. No. I was referring to your other daughter.

Here is your cat back, good as new. Oh, thank you. Do you think I'll pass gym this term? Is no problem. God give you greatest gift. Big head like beach ball made of bone. Gives you perfect balance.

Aah! Run! Mr. Burns will kill us all! Wait. Don't go. Love me!

Whoa. I gotta replace that window.

- Ah, you must be the Simpsons. - Howdy. And thanks for not recoiling in horror. Thank you for the friendly howdy. Can we get a room with a view? Oh, you'll have a great view of the whole beach from the electric needle room. Really? The whole beach? Yes. From the electric needle room. Electric needle room?

"So, in 1966, a brave young man named Seymour Skinner... enlisted and shipped out to Vietnam, where he rose to become platoon sergeant." Ralph. Principal Skinner is an old man who lives at the school. Lisa. "Sergeant Skinner was a hero. He risked capture many times behind enemy lines."

to 742 Evergreen T-- Forget it, Simpson. Those pig noises you made really hurt my feelings. Lookin' like a pig as I do. But you have so much inner beauty. Well, uh, be that as it may, uh, the gang is wanted in eight other states. And we have a little saying around here--

- Society. - Yeah. You're right, Moe. You're always Moe. Homer, look. Your house is on TV. You take that back, Barney. No, he's right, Homer. Stay out of this, old man. Dateline, Kent Brockman. i'm here at the scene of the Christmas burglary,

Don't you want to please your teachers and get good grades? Grades? We love him he loves we we're the leader's family These lima beans are even better than the ones we had for breakfast and lunch.

(INDISTINCT TALKING) My coat of arms is a Spiderman couchant on a field vert. What's "couchant" mean?

(SCREAMS IN PAIN) (SIGHS) (LISA GROANS) This is our Little Hooker line. All the girls your age are wearing it, except the freakishly unpopular.

Ohh. What should I do, Lord? Give me a sign.

Horse not wearing diaper.

Oh, sure. I'll put you in the Rick James suite. It's super freaky.

Whoops. Do you see a light, Homer? Yes. Move into the light, my son. Ow! Homer, this is your physician, Doctor julius Hibbert. Can you tell us what it's like in there? Um, it's like, uh--

Huh? And he gambles like crazy. I'll call. Three nines. Oh! I almost had a straight! Come to new papa. Hey, what's the deal? We just spliced in some home movies. What do you think?

Hey! I don't remember saying that.

Bart, children, this whole sordid affair has been a shock to all of us. But we must get on with our lives. Let's try to remember Krusty, not as a hardened criminal, but as that lovable jester who honked his horn and puttered around in his little car.

lollipop, lollipop oh, lolly-lollipop lollipop ow!

Hurl this at that. At Lenny? But he's a war hero. Well, let's decorate him then. No! Not even for... four dollars? Ow! My eye! I'm not supposed to get pudding in it!

Here's your first assignment. What the--

Another incredible performance by this water-loving wonder horse! What's that, Duncan? You say you want to dive again? Well--

You truly are an artist. No. I'm just a nut who couldn't build a barbecue. You'll always be the artist in the family. Aww. Is that our house? - Yep. - And is that us on the roof? That's us. Are we kissing? Oh, I don't know. Could be.

And the thought of loving you is getting so exciting

and the japanese will eat us alive! The japanese? Those sandal-wearing goldfish tenders? Bosh! Flimshaw! If only we had listened to that boy... instead of walling him up in the abandoned coke oven.

it's The Krusty the Klown Show ! Hey, kids ! You know, today's the last day of our special week... on location at fabulous Mt. Splashmore. And I just wanna say the people here have been super to me and Sideshow Mel.

Don't ever do that to me again ! - Okay. - Doh ! Bart ! Aah ! Get away from that thing and help me find my athletic equipment. Mmm. Hey, Homer I found your weights.

- Poke. - (YELPS)

Well, the handwriting's on the wall. To stay afloat, this bar is gonna have to go queer. You mean it's not? Oh. Wrong again, Gay Guide to Springfield.

Even as I speak, the scourge of advertising could be heading toward your town! Lock your doors! Bar your windows! Because the next advertisement you see could destroy your house and eat your family. We'll be right back.

Boy, would my face have been red. Stop laughing, you imbecile. Don't you realize how close you just came to killing yourself? Who did this to my wall? He did.

Look! That's Lisa Leslie. She showed little girls everywhere... that they can grow up to be 6 foot 5. Lisa Leslie, you got game! I think you mean I "have game." Try to speak correctly. You go, girl! Yes, I will depart... lest your bad grammar rub off on me.

We'll never be able to swim that far.

Aw, sure there is. I knew it. If only I had nagged more. God is angry. We've made a false idol of this Brad Goodman.

Yah! Stupid cows! Yah!

No. The holiday season is approaching, and these children need a school. Charity, eh? Yes. I'd be more than happy to-- Oh, it's doing that thing again. We now return to DÓnde EstÁ justice.

Aw, what a gyp. Hey, Mick. You gonna teach us your cocksure strut? Not today. I’ve got a ton of paperwork to catch up on. Tell me about it. At myjob, we- Oh. Oh, you’re gone. [Richards On PA f Hey, wake ap/

Excellent. Bribing those two judges has paid off, just as it did during the Miss Teen America pageant. How can you vote for Burns's movie? Let's just say it moved me... to a bigger house! Oops. I said the quiet part loud and the loud part quiet. Oh, dear.

Will you cease that infernal tootling ! I was just practicing. It's hard to discover your inner beauty while you're shouting at an eight-year-old girl. You've only got two days left, so shut up and paint ! Mmm !

Yeah, well, we saved your ass in World War III.

Sure you can. Bunch of no-good do-gooders. Hang in there, Max. Saving the environment is a hard, grueling job. That's what I'm saying. See, Marge? This guy gets it.

(SCREAMS) (CLANKIING) What? Spider poison is people poison? (CRIES) Bart! (GRUNTS) Hmm. Where's the pain? (GROANS) Ow! There it is! (CRYING)

Yeah. Shoo, nerds! Shoo!

Hey, hey, hey, Osh Kosh B’Gosh!

Yeah, right. Like you're gonna let me go hungry. I'll be eating that pizza in five minutes. Bart, stop being confident. Doggone it! Ohh. Oh, Grampa. I'm starving! Somebody bring me some food quick!

My homework is in your park. Let's do it! Yoink! What does freedom mean to me?

A'four-- In the navy, yes, you can sail the seven seas in the navy yes, you can puT your mind at ease in the navy Come on, people and make A stand in the nAvy in the navy in the navy come on protect the motherland

Bad example. Let me ask you this: Does your money ever hug you when you come home at night? Why, no. And does it ever say "I love you"? No, it doesn't. Nobody loves you Nobody loves you You're old and you're ugly Way to go, Homer!

Oh, man! I have to go to the bathroom. Why did I have all that beer and coffee and watermelon? Now, Homer, I know what you're thinking, and I want to take the pressure off. It doesn't take a whiz to see that you're looking out for number one. Well, listen to me, and you'll make a big splash very soon. Oh! Which way to the bathroom?

"Le grille"? What the hell is that? Oh! Come here-- Get-- Uh! Come on! Fit, you! Huh? Ahh! Yeah, that's one fine-looking barbecue pit.

Hey, kids. i made your favorite cookies. Christmas trees for the girls and bloody spearheads for Bart. Aw, thanks, Mom.

I got to finish him off while I'm still temporarily insane!

It's great of you to come over, Lisa. I really want us to be friends. You're a wonderful person. Hi, Lisa. I'm Alison's father, Professor Taylor. I've heard great things about you. Oh, really? I-- Oh, don't be modest. I'm glad we have someone who can join us in our anagram games. We take proper names and rearrange the letters... to form a description of that person.

Hey! Who cut something out of my paper? Not me. Not me. I'm more of a mail tamperer. Well, don't look at me... just because I'm holding a pair of scissors. Scissors which I need to, uh-- to... gussy up these curtains.

She says you're a bad influence. Bad influence, my butt!

Hey, Mr. Simpson, you dropped your pork chop. Gimme that !

You like them, huh? Come on, I'll show you the other 300. (GASPS) How could this have... Oh. (SIGHS)

Let's see him track me now.

Well, if you wanted people to love you, you sure blew it with that insane rampage. But you know what? To be loved, you have to be nice to people... every day. But to be hated, you don't have to do squat.

Todd, would you like mixed vegetables? Hell no. What did you say? I don't want any damn vegetables. All right. No Bible stories for you tonight. Weren't you a little hard on him?

Oh, my ! All this senseless violence. I don't understand it's appeal. We don't expect you to, Mom. If cartoons were meant for adults, they'd put them on in prime time.

We've gotta get home before someone sees us.

Ah, I guess your old man is smarter than you thought. Ah, look at 'em standing out there, no place to go. Poor guys. Hey, what if we let 'em stay here for just a few days? Mom, get him away from the window.

Don't look out the window! Cops! Everybody split up!

We know who you are, Miss Botz. Or should I say Miss Botzcowski ? You're the Baby-sitter Bandit. You're a smart, young man, Bart. I hope you're smart enough to keep your mouth shut. He isn't. You're crazy if you think you're gonna get away with this. You can't--

If you eat too much, you'll have nightmares.

Ah. And now to read my fortune. "Geese can be troublesome." What the hell is that supposed to mean? Oh, fortune means geese cause problems. Well, I knew that before I came in here. A guy outside told me that. "Every house has a bathroom."

Shouldn't you people be groveling? And bring me some shoes-- nice ones. She'll want socks too. I'll get socks.

What's that? That is the rarest gummi of them all. The gummi Venus de Milo, carved by gummi artisans... who work exclusively in the medium of gummi. Will you two stop saying "gummi" so much? Must have rare gummi. Distract the salesman.

Shlomo, time for your violin lesson!

but I got a hankering for some-- That's right. Don't forget the applesauce. Okay, Homer, pick out any one you want. Are you sure you want to give me a car ? Hey, you know what these things cost me ? There's maybe forty bucks worth of steel in 'em.

No one does. Happy birthday Mr. Smithers Mmm. People like dogs, Mr. Burns.

(SOBS) Even the Applause-O-Meter is crying. Oh, God! That's battery acid! (SCREAMS) Dad, you know, the best part about this whole thing has been the time we've spent together.

Homercles cares not for beans.

First of all my real name isn't Krusty the Clown. It's Herschel Krustofski. My father was a rabbi. His father was a rabbi. His father's father...

Smithers, to the laboratory.

There's a cat on a table and no one seems to care. This is the single greatest day of my life! "Impossible to tell in writing. Basho, he named himself. Banana Tree." Basho! Banana tree!

Where's my elephant? Where's my elephant? Hey, they're playing "The Elephant Song." I love that. Reminds me of elephants. So, isn't that what we're all asking in our own lives? Where's my elephant? I know that's what I've been asking.

Hope you don't mind my dropping in? Not at all, sweet cakes. You know what to do, Sam.

of Simpson and Son's Patented Revitalizing Tonic! Put some ardor in your larder, with our energizing, moisturizing,

For the ninth time, no!

Get that cat out of the way!

Dad, no ! Give me that ! Give me that money ! Ow ! You're hurting me ! Thirty six ! No more bets ! No ! Son, if this lands on 36, I'll-- Double zero. Son ! You saved me from losing all my money.

My eyes! My beautiful eyes!

I want to register to run for sanitation commissioner. And tell the fat cats upstairs things are gonna change in this town! Okay. But this is where you register as a sex offender.

Oh, what a day. Maybe the headlines will cheer me up. That's opinion, not news!

The Simpsons' amazing journey began here... in the bustling heartland town of Springfield. On this unassuming street, two nobodies... named Homer and Marge Simpson settled down to raise a family. First came baby Bart. Then, Lisa Simpson.

The Simpsons (TIRES SCREECHING) D'oh! (SCREAMS) (BRAKES SCREECHING) ALL: Huh? D'oh!

All right, Homer, I'm not gonna lie to you. There's a good chance you can beat Tatum. But you gotta visualize how you're gonna win, okay? Gotcha. A congenital heart defect has apparently felled Tatum... moments before he could step into the ring.

Look, Big Daddy, it's regular Daddy.

Now pull over! First, raise my allowance. Why, you little... (TIRES SCREECHING) (CHOKING) We're going downhill and I can't reach the brakes! (BOTH SCREAM)

"Plastic Pearls Make the Girl." Well, at least there's nothing else Burns can do to me. Oh! (GASPS) LISA: No! Way to go, Moon Milhouse!

We should ask your father, though. Where is he, anyway? Now, Homie, when we get to the liquor store, buy me some jack Daniels and a carton of smokes. Yes, dear.

That was unexpected. Well, reset the catapult, and let's get this over with. Wait! I have discovered more lines on the parchment. It says that the prohibition law which was passed here 200 years ago... was repealed 199 years ago.

Oh, no. You can't do heart surgery in the dark! Sounds like a wager to me. I'll take a piece of that.

This reporter suggested "Waitergate," but was shouted down at the press club.

A Val-U-Qual coupon book! Let's see. Ten percent off carpet cleaning. Ten! Two pizzas for the price of one at Doughy's! Doughy's has terrible pizza. Yeah, but there's two! Oh, free foot pain analysis.

Stretch Dude and Clobber Girl He's a human rubber band and she's a hulk in curls He's a limber lad She's a powerful lass He'll wring your neck and she'll kick your ass

All that counts is we're alive and rubbing elbows with the greats. Ooh! There's Ross Perot. Dr. Laura. Spike Lee. Wait a minute. They're not so great. Okay. But there's Dan Quayle and Courtney Love. Tonya Harding! Al Sharpton!

I fell 8,000 feet onto a pile of jagged rocks. Of course, folks were tougher in those days.

Let me see, then, what thereat is, and this mystery explore. Open here I flung the shutter, when, with many a flirt and flutter, in there stepped a stately Raven of the saintly days of yore. Not the least obeisance made he, not a minute stopped or stayed he, but with mien of lord or lady, perched above my chamber door.

"Four paws, plus one tail, "plus nine lives equals one special cat. "One special cat minus nine lives equals one sad little girl." I know how you feel, Lise. No kid wants to outlive their pet.

Hey, it's morning, and Mom and Dad aren't home yet. Don't worry. Mr. Hutz is still here to take care of us. Don't touch my stuff! Hey. This isn't the Y.M.C.A. Dispatch, this is Chief Wiggum back in pursuit of the rebelling women.

(AIR HORN BLOWING)

Cool! Yeah, I know I'm on. But I don't care. I don't read the news until I get my Danish. Go ahead. Try to find a replacement. Aah! A powerful tidal wave in Kuala Lumpur has killed 120 people.

Teacher, my shoes are making noise. You must be Ralph. My daddy shoots people.

Tax hike! Hold the phone, Mabel!

ROOFI: One, two, tie your shoe Three, four, pick up the floor Five, six, don't play tricks Seven, eight, clean your plate Nine, ten, start over again! One, two, tie your shoe Three, four, pick up the floor Five, six, don't play tricks It's on batteries.

Sir, a Lisa and Bart Simpson sent you a script. Yeah, yeah, yeah. "Dear Mr. Meyers, my brother and I watch your show. You should be proud that children everywhere--" Blah-blah-blah, bling-bling-bling-blah. Hey, egghead! Sing "fair Harvard." Fair Harvard, I--

Welcome, kindergarteners. I'm Principal Sinner-- Skinner. Well, that's it. I've lost them forever. Now I'd like to introduce you to Lunch Lady Doris, who will serve you healthy, nutritious meals. Yeah, right.

If you need money you should have jammed a gun in my ribs or inquire about my help wanted sign. You need help? Someone for the demanding high profile midnight to 8:00 a.m. shift. I'm your man. You're hired. I dreamed of the day one of you would work for me.

Oy! Give it away give it away give it away now give it away give it away give it away now I can't tell if I'm A kingpin or A pauper Dancin' around in their underwear. That is so degrading.

How could you spend all our money on a comic book published by LensCrafters? We'll never sell these. Birds won't even use them in their nests.

And I didn't need molded plastic to improve my physique. Pure West. And how come Batman doesn't dance anymore? Remember the Batusi? Nice meetin' ya. Just keep moving. Don't make eye contact.

Kings among men. You're lookin' at Adolf Hitler's personal limousine. It's roomier than Bonnie and Clyde's death car, and was the first automobile to come with FahrvergnÜgen. Ooh. Aah. Wow, it's "Euro-rific."

Attention on deck! Captain Tennille wishes to address you.

That maniac nearly killed us! Shall I take you to the pilot? You see, because that is your song. I heard you. Yes, because someone saved your life tonight. Cut it out! Well, well, the bitch is back.

Ah, for the days when aviation was a gentleman's pursuit. Back before every joe Sweat Sock could wedge himself behind a lunch tray... and jet off to Raleigh-Durham. Are you getting lots of bugs in your mouth too? Yes. Prepare to engage enemy.

Oh, Dr. Hibbert. Enjoying the party ? Uh, no, not really. Someone seems to have slipped one of those novelty ice cubes with a fake fly in my drink. It was me ! You fell for it ! Homer, these novelty ice cubes are often made from highly toxic chemicals.

I'm running things now. All hail King Homer.

It's high time you protected yourself with supplemental disability insurance. At my age? Can I qualify? You'd be surprised. If you're a non-smoker, it can cost just a few dollars a month. What's happening to me? Maybe I'm not a kid anymore.

Mmm. (PSYCHEDELIC MUSIC PLAYING) (SNARLING) (WHIMPERS)

Maybe I'll just stay and work overtime. My sisters-in-law are at my house again.

Right on, sister ! Let the destruction begin ! Hey, they forgot my corn dog !

Can I help you? We're having a sale on Bible magnifying glasses. (HOMER READING) Uh, do you have any books on the Rapture? Yes, this one is 15% off. (HOMER SCREAMS) I'll take everything you got.

Run across! I'm sorry.

Ow! Ow! Ooh! I'll mace you good! Your species is brutish and primitive!

Oh, my God! You're trying to make me look like your dead wife!

Sim Sim likes to boogie. Something's wrong-- terribly wrong.

Oh, guten Tag! Would you care for a bite of my Vengelerstrasse bar? I also have a bag of marzipan joyjoys!

Huh? Then take Bart to get C-I-R-C-U-M-C-I-S-E-D. Huh? Uh, I'll tell you what it means when it's over. Hey, Homer. Oh, Ray.

People of Earth, this is Bartron-- commander of the Martian invasion force. Your planet is in our hands. Resistance is useless. We have captured your president. He was delicious. Why, you little... Wait A minute.

I'm not gonna stand for this. I'm gonna call the newspapers, the TV stations, the gas stations, everybody!

I pity the fool who doesn't like... he. And where's Barney? Oh, he's with his new girlfriend, the japanese conceptual artist.

Here. Use my ball. No. No, thank you, Mr., um, Brunswick. Call me jacques. jacques. Marge. I'll just use my ball. As you wish. Many people have senseless attachments to heavy, clumsy things, such as this Homer of yours.

Now I'm gonna grab me somethin' sweet. No, Mr. Simpson. That's sexual harassment. If you keep it up, I'll yell so loud, the whole country'll hear. With a man in the White House? Not likely.

I wasted five bucks on these.

I don't know where you magic pixies came from, but I like your pixie drink.

How's he doing? I don't know. I think Dad might be a little heavy for parasailing. Faster, Marge! Faster. The snapping turtles are massing. Heads up! Coming through. Hey, volleyball. Can I play later? Hi, Apu. Oh, dear. You have ruined my work, you flying fat man.

Why me, Lord? Where have I gone wrong? I've always been nice to people. I don't drink or dance or swear. I've even kept kosher just to be on the safe side. I've done everything the Bible says! Even the stuff that contradicts the other stuff! What more could I do?

Teacher, my shoes are making noise. You must be Ralph. My daddy shoots people. Good. Good. Wait a minute. Somebody's off the beat. Let me hear you two. Okay, now you.

Nice to see you, Homer. Yeah. Out of my way, whoever you are. You're blocking the food. Ah, there's nothing like a good old-fashioned picnic. How's my kite doing, Smithers?

We'll have to go to the next-most-senior man at the plant. Here we are. Ten years' experience. His name is-- Marge, I got a new job! It's with Globex Corporation. I get more money, plus health benefits for me and my life partner.

No one in history has ever done anything this clever.

This is Kent Brockman with a special report from the Channel 6 News copter. A large bearlike animal, most likely a bear, has wandered down from the hills in search of food or, perhaps, employment. Please remain calm. Stay in your homes.

We at the network want a dog with attitude. He's edgy. He's in your face. You've heard the expression "let's get busy." Well, this is a dog who gets "biz-zay." Consistently and thoroughly. - So he's proactive, huh? - Oh, God, yes.

Wait a minute. I know where we're going. Oh, it's horrible! Oh, it's even boring to fly over it!

and imprisoned us in his floating Aquaworld. jiminy jillickers!

- Homer, did you eat that doughnut? - No. Your wide behind won't save you this time. Hey, Bart. Hey. Wait!

Poochie's based on me. Is this seat taken, little girl? - I'm not a girl! Are you blind? - Yes. I am stoked, Mr. S. Shh. Everybody, it's coming on! Once in a great while, we are privileged to experience a television event...

You'll see long-lost footage, never-before-seen material from your favorite episodes, old favorites you can't see in syndication. So join me, won't you, for "The Simpsons 138th Episode Spectacular!"

Mister Seltzer? Setzer. No, I think it's Seltzer. What is it, Homer?

What the-- Great Scott! Don't touch that. That's the alpenhorn Helmut Kohl gave me. - Where'd you get those pajamas? - They're presidential pajamas. You have to be president, and you're not president. Yes, I am. D-- No, you're not. Bar!

This is nothing but... dead-white-male bashing from a P.C. thug.

Oooh, a interview with Lorne Michaels. Oooh. Wait. That's no good. Hey, now we're talking. "Our unabashed dictionary defines I.U.D. as... 'love springs internal.'" I don't get it.

I know. How about we play the basketball? I'm no Harvey Globetrotter, but--

Jiminy Cricket! Whoo! Expired ham. Well, this time I've gone too far. No. No one will fall for-- Woo-hoo! Cheap meat! Ooh, this one's open.

Pa, can ya help me with my sums? Oh, Bart, you met Grandma Flanders. Hope she didn't scare ya. Hello, Joe! Little Lisa. I've already started you...

Excuse me, Marge! I think that if you told me, I would remember. I mean, I'm not an idiot!

Um, I run my own business, of course.

Nothing is going to happen, Mom! I hate to disappoint you, but the world is not coming to an end.

Can you believe it, Kodos? They left us out of the Halloween show! Are you sure the space-phone is working? Hang up. They could be trying to call right now! I knew we should've sent them a muffin basket.

You give my son what he deserves or I'll knock you on your delightfully offbeat ass. (CHUCKLES) Oh, I must warn you, sir, I was a Green Beret in Vietnam. The things I saw there are what made me crazy!

Presenting Princess Kashmir, queen of the mysterious East.

There's no emoticon for what I'm feeling!

Well, Edna, for a school with no Asian kids, I think we put on a pretty darn good science fair. It--

Take it! Oh, no! I've smudged it with nacho fingers. I must deftly lick it off. Deftly... Thank you! Freak.

Oh, wise guy, eh? (GROANING) MARGE: I got the Roofi tickets! I got them fair and square and I kept my dignity, not like Janie's mom.

Hey, sir, try our wax lips. It's the candy of a thousand uses. Like what? One, a humorous substitute for your own lips. Mm-hmm. Keep going. Two, uh-- Ooh, I'm needed in the basement.

(TEENY CHATTERING) (MUTTERING) "Homeland Noodles with Uncle Sam Balls."

Stop it. You're killing me!

Hey, I got my comedy K's back. King Kong coldcocked Kato Kaelin. Hey, you gentiles are all right.

Treat kids as equals ! They're people too ! They're smarter than you think. They were smart enough to catch me !

Homer! Homer, he's not going to get tired! You've got to hit him back! Hit him back! That cactus is right.

Funzo's soft and cuddly. With lots of firepower. Ow. Yes! Ha-ha! Funzo! Funzo! Funzo!

Blah, blah, blah-blah. Blah, blah, blah. Yes, ma'am. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Yes, ma'am. Bart, you haven't been paying attention to a word I said, have you ?

Sir, did you ever stop to think that maybe it was doing this... that caused the previous caretakers to go insane and murder their families? Hmm. Perhaps. Tell you what. We come back and everyone's slaughtered, I owe you a Coke.

I don't know, Dad. Don't you have a better picture? Relax. A photo can't make any difference. He looks crazy. Agreed. Reading his essay would only waste valuable seconds.

Turn it back on! Turn it back on!

This briefcase and this haircut.

This is great! And all I've done is enter my name-- Thrillhouse! Say, cool dude, can I play too? Uh-- Uh, it's only a one-player game.

A lot of people think our dad's behavior has screwed us up-- and it has. But it's all worth it just to hear him sing. Shavin' my shoulders I'm gettin' it all shaved off

Hey! Buy a costume or get out, fellas.

I've already forgotten his name.

Luckily, I'm prepared for this, so I'm not too worried. Sit up straight. Eyes forward. No talking. Is that gum? Is that gum? Is that gum? Oh, yeah. Whew.

Any questions? Yeah, one: Have you always been a chick? No offense, but you were born a man, weren't you? You can tell me. I'm open-minded. I won't be needing this.

One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me. I don't know if I like you experimenting on your brother. Please, Mother. It's purely in the interest of science. That'll learn him to bust my "tomater."

Hey, how's it goin'? Hey! Good to see you. Tell your friends. Lookin' lucky! Hey, what's happenin'? Love the jacket. Behold the box of mystery! The cat goes in-- right here--

Oh, wait a minute! There they are, Larry Burns and his kidnapper. Appearing in broad daylight with police everywhere, ladies and gentlemen, there's only one word for that-- idiocy.

Oh, don't worry, Marge. Her idea of wit is nothing more than an incisive observation... humorously phrased and delivered with impeccable timing.

Ooh, yes indeedy, Homer. Looks like they're settlin' in for a long stay. I was afraid of that. Well, good-bye, my gentle neighbor. You know, I've always wanted to tell you how much-- To continue talking, please deposit 10 cents. Aw, screw it.

Anything else ? Yes. I ate two grapes. Please charge me for them. Oh, two grapes ? Who cares ? just charge me something, please. Yeah, okay, all right. I need a price check on two grapes.

Excuse me. i took a piece of the skeleton for scientific analysis. Soon we'll have all the facts. You did what? You know what? I don't like that. Facts are meaningless. You can use facts to prove anything... that's even remotely true. Facts, schmacts.

Hey, jimbo, keeping your nose clean, dude? Hey, Donna, who loves you, baby? Not in my hall, bub.

Hey, the batteries are missing from this thing. Yeah. We borrowed 'em for the radio. BOTH: Skyrockets in flight, afternoon delight

(GRUNTS) (HUMMING) Huh? (SNORING) Hey, cat, get your own pants! (GRUNTS) Kids! Why's the cat so fat? Dad, Snowball's not fat. She's just got winter fur. (GRUNTS) Okay, she's fat.

Sheesh, what an ego.

September, 1929. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Smithers, why didn't you tell me about this market crash? Um, well, sir, it happened 25 years before I was born. Oh, that's your excuse for everything.

I don't have the money to produce the cartoons. I lost everything. I can't even keep my dad's head in the freakin' cryogenic center anymore. Ya comfortable in there, Daddy? Look, if money's the only problem, I know a guy who has lots of it.

Oh, that is it! I'm tired of being pushed around by grown-ups! It's time to fight back! - Yeah! - Fight back! Fight back!

I'm... I'm starting to get cold feet. Please don't tell anyone. Don't worry. Your secret's safe with me. Marge, guess what? Skinner wants to bail on his wedding! Homer, you're still talking to me. Oh, man, is this awkward. I'm out of here. (GROANS)

Doin' the big fig newton Here's the tricky part. Abe, isn't Homer cute?

just remember, you represent the office of the mayor. So always comport yourself in a manner befitting-- Quick, honk at that broad. Good work, Simpson. I couldn't be happier with the way that went.

Where have you been? Playing with Milhouse. No, you haven't! You've been out gallivanting around... with that floozy of a bigger brother of yours! Haven't you? Haven't you? Look at me! Dad, it just kind of happened. You're taking this too hard.

The thing about huckleberries is... once you've had fresh, you'll never go back to canned. Uh-- Uh-- So anyway, I kicked the guy's ass. Now, if the berries are too tart, I just dust 'em with confectioner's sugar.

This is the scraper, this is the poker... and this happy little fellow is the gouger. Now, the first thing I'll be doing... is chiseling some teeth out of your jawbone. Hold still while I gas you.

All I know is my testicles won't fit in my underwear. Bart, get those oranges out of there. Back in the lunches you go. Ew, Mom! Oh, grow up. Yeah.

Dr. Hibbert, I thought you'd located another kidney for Grampa. Larry Hagman took it. He's got five of them now. And three hearts. We didn't want to give them to him, but he overpowered us.

- Truckasaurus ! - Where ? Where ?

Then you'd better not look at me. Homer, where did you get that suit? A friend bought it for me. Was it Lurleen? No. I think it was Lenny. Don't lie to me. Are you having an affair? No! Have you kissed her? No! - Has she kissed you? - Couple of times.

Eh-- All right. We've all got derringers. Now let's just put 'em away. Nobody here is a cheat. Cheat? Aw, geez. Man, those derringer bullets are weak.

Sir, I-- I only hope you can forgive me for shooting your wooden leg. You shot who in the what now? Okay, Smithers, you're free to go. And, you, one question. Do you know who shot Mr. Burns? 'Cause we are really up the creek on this one.

Sarge, we keep getting orders to let the virus win. Must be a school day. Lay down your arms. All right! Let's make some pus.

D'oh! Not again! I can't take much more of your blundering numskullery. I'll be in the car, dudes.

You're fired! D'oh! It's so nice having everything back to normal.

You bet your sweet bippy.

What? Sex! What's so unappealing about hearing your elderly father talk about sex? I had sex!

Check it out. The principal's got a shirt wiener. Hmm? (SHUTTERS CLICKING) Leave your body, Seymour. Leave your body. (HOMER READING) Ooh! A He is Risen production.

"And that has made all the difference." Now let's get down to business. To my executor, Lionel Hutz, I leave $50,000. Mr. Hutz! You'd be surprised how often that works. You really would. To Marge, I leave my collection...

Captain's log. Stardate 6051. Had trouble sleeping last night. My hiatal hernia is acting up. The ship is drafty and damp. I complain, but nobody listens. Star Trek XII: So Very Tired. See the original cast in their latest, greatest adventure.

Now let's hear it for a great American-- former President Gerald Ford. Thank you, Krusty, for inviting me. - Well, all the good presidents turned us down. - Oh, well. I'd like to talk about a subject... that is very important to me.

- No Kickboxing. - Ohh. If anybody wants me, I'll be eating alone in the basement. D'oh!

Whoa, easy there, partner. (GROANING) Uh-oh. You killed him. He was my world.

Good going, son. But remember-- Most lynch mobs aren't this nice.

I don't know, Bart. Something tells me Willie's still out there, and that he could come back... any time, in any form, and kill us in ways we can't even imagine! Boo!

Homer, you moron. Homer, you genius! Geronimo!

HOMER: Wow, a wooden plane. It's about time trees were good for something instead of just standing there like jerks! "The Plywood Pelican was larger than a football field. "It weighs more than the state of New Hampshire. "It was only flown once by its creator, Mr. C. Montgomery Burns."

But it really generates power. It's lighting this room right now. You lose. Get off my property. Let's have the next child.

Gentlemen, start your whacking.

"Go To Work With Your Parents Day"? Yes, Go To Work With Your Parents Day. Tomorrow you will learn by doing... and apply your knowledge of fractions and gym to real-world situations. And Scratchy Show I still don't understand why you get to stay home and watch Mom work.

There you go. Thank you.

- Ewl - Ohh! Pl ya ya " [Que flora malodorosai. Oh! That smells worse than James Coco’s ski boots! Oh, yeah. That's mildly better.

What the-- D-oh !

Well, at least we're all in this together. Now, we have three parachutes. This one's for me. And these two are gifts for my nephews. Tallyho! (BOTH GASP) Homer, are you sure you can fly this thing? We'll make it, Dad, on a wing and a prayer.

The decision is final. Tabled this motion is. Or is it?

On top of spaghetti all covered with cheese I loSt my poor meatball-- If you don't mind!

Oh, no. Patented Skinner burgers. Old family recipe. For steamed hams.

Look at that pig stuffing his face with doughnuts on my time! That's right. Keep eating. Little do you know you're drawing ever closer to the poisoned doughnut.

Arr. I loved Splash, Mr. Howard. - It was totally, uh, uh, arr. - Uh, Miss Basinger? Those red pumps you wore in L.A. Confidential were fabulous.

When someone becomes an inconvenience, we just get rid of them? Hello? Is anybody there? Aww! All right. We'll give the dogs one more chance.

Look what you've done. You wanted to be popular. Now you're the most hated boy in town.

Oh, wise guy, eh? (GROANING) MARGE: I got the Roofi tickets! I got them fair and square and I kept my dignity, not like Janie's mom.

If you're gonna get mad at me every time I do something stupid, then I guess I'll just have to stop doing stupid things. Good. Fine. I'll never ever do another stupid thing.

Look, there's only one reasonable way to settle this-- rock, paper, scissors. Poor, predictable Bart. Always takes rock. Good old rock. Nothing beats that. - Rock. - Paper. D'oh!

Soup's on, fat boy! Ooh! Ow! Hey! No!

Mmm. Oh. Oh, Homie. That was amazing! I hope the kids didn't hear us. Oh, wow. Well, Burns looks happy today.

Hey, you ! What do you think you're doin' ? - Uh-oh. - Hey ! Hey ! Come back here !

To professionalism.

So, Lisa, do you have a date for the Harvest Dance? This is not a good time. It's never a good time.

Excuse me. I must use the restroom. Uh, Mr. Hutz?

The mother's the voice of reason. Here come the cricket bats.

You cost us our jobs, which we need for working! Not to mention driving to. And I was a lot happier before I knew Dame Edna was a man. A lot happier. You ain't welcome here no more, smart boy. Hmm. I'm detecting a distinct strain...

That's it, I'm out of here.

I saved your cat. Ow! That hurt. Hey, what are these axes for? - I don't know. Chopping stuff. - Gotcha.

Bill Clinton, everyone. He's Jimmy Carter with a Fox attitude.

He's dead. Oh, this is terrible. Now who do we give the money to? I guess we'll just have to haul the check back to headquarters. Too bad we couldn't just give it to these nice folks. Forget it, Ed. Do you know what it costs to sign over a check this big? Why, the wealth transfer fee would run at least a hundred dollars a head.

Oh, you all talk big, but who here has the guts to stop me? Mm-hmm. Very well. One last question. Have you ever seen the sun set at 3:00 p.m.?

Ah, le mot juste.

Dear Lisa-- As I write this, I am very sad. Our president has been overthrown and-- Replaced by the benevolent General Krull. All hail Krull and his glorious new regime! Sincerely, Little Girl. Oh. You got a letter too, BarT.

Ooh! Dad, no! It's gonna kill you! Ehh, I've had a good run. Don't, uh--

I'll get your coat. No! No what? I don't wanna turn out that way. What way, angel pie? Like you!

Well, here we are.

Here we-- I'll just-- Hey! Get away from my car! Uh-oh. This way. Uh-oh.

Later that day, we set sail for America. There it is. Our new home. Whee! I love America! Abe, supper's on! We had to move out once we'd filled the hat with garbage. The end.

Dad, you shouldn't wear glasses that weren't prescribed for you. Lisa, just because you're 10 feet tall doesn't mean you can tell me what to do. I'm Bart.

Dean Bitterman, I hope nothing unsavory happens during my visit. As you know, I am the president of the United States. Oh, don't worry. I've expelled those rowdy members of Chug-a-Lug House. Oh, I hate that lousy dean.

Can't sleep. Gonna die. We're back with legendary producer Robert Evans. Now before you did The Godfather, there was Love Story. Tell us about that. Ah, Love Story. The little picture that could. Was Paramount chomping at the bit to make it? You better believe they weren't. But once that tearjerker hit john Q. Popcorn,

Aurora borealis at this time of year... at this time of day in this part of the country... localized entirely within your kitchen? Yes. May I see it? No.

I'd like to hear from Sideshow Mel.

Hey, what's goin' on? Hey, this thing's cuttin' off my air! Oh! What are you doing to me? I said start it at 60 r.p.m., then move it up to 100 on the skirt blow! - Sorry, Krusty, I choked. - You choked? You choked?

Look under the frame, Brad. Careful. Careful. Whoops. It's there! Hmm. "To Roger Myers. Keep drawing. "Your moxie more than makes up for your lack of talent. Your pal, Chester J. Lampwick. September 3, 1919."

- Out back. - So, anyway, I says to Mabel. I says--

Aim for the body, men. Right, Chief.

you just stay here and maintain your dignity. Ah. Here's a chance to earn my keep. I will go out and get these items from the food jobber.

Where are your clothes for the gentleman who is big and fat? The basement, sir. Woo-hoo! Homer, before you get anywhere near the escalator, you've gotta tie those shoes. Homer! Ow! So many shoppers! Damn this... Ow! Resilient economy! (SCREAMS IN PAIN)

It's a three-pronged attack. Subliminal, liminal, and super liminal. Super liminal? I'll show you. Hey, you! Join the navy! Uh, yeah, all right. I'm in. Well, now that you know, Lisa, I'm afraid I can't let you leave. Oh.

So the next time somebody tells you carny folk are good, honest people you can spit in faces for me. If you'll excuse me I'm profiling my dad for the school paper.

you'll see where our water rejoins the rest of nature's biosphere. Hey, Bart, our dad says your dad is incompetent. What does incompetent mean ? It means he spends more time yakking and scarfing down doughnuts than doing his job. Oh, okay. I thought you were putting him down.

Relax. It's just a simulator. Nothing can go wrong. Just poke blindly at the controls until they let you go. Oh! Ohh! Oh, no. No! This can't be happening!

Homer, send these people home. This house-warming part/s been going on for two days. Hey, hey. You cant throw us out. I just made a Cornish game hen with chestnut stuffing. Would you believe a pigeon stuffed with Spam? Would you believe a rat filled with cough drops?

So the children learned to function as a society. And eventually, they were rescued by, oh, let's say Moe.

Lyrics are the hardest part of songwriting. But when you come up with something meaningful and heartfelt- Boring! Will you stop saying that? But rock stars are supposed to be about drinking and getting drunk and boozing it up. And girls that have legs and know how to use them. And why I cant drive 55l You just want mindless, generic rock?

Nobody dumps Abe Simpson. You're nothing but a hoochie! Hoochie! Hoochie! Hoochie! Hoochie! Hoochie! Hoochie! Hoochie! Hoochie! Hoochie! Oh, oh, oh! Now I'd like my son to come up here.

I just need something to receive e-mail. You'll need a top-of-the-line machine for that. That's the same computer astronauts use to do their taxes. I was an astronaut. Of course you were. Hmm.

Uh, no. They're saying, "Boo-urns! Boo-urns!" Are you saying "Boo" or "Boo-urns"? I was saying Boo-urns.

still, I think, in a way-- in a very meaningful way-- that, uh-- that I-- uh-- uh-- all of us-- have, uh-- have learned from him. You know, that is, by being, uh, on television for-- for-- for so many years.

Come on, Chalmie. You fired Skinner for less than this. Yeah, I did, but Skinner really bugged me. Besides, the way America's public schools are sliding, they'll all be this way in a few months. I say lay back and enjoy it. It's a hell of a toboggan ride.

The first is denial. No way ! Because I'm not dying. The second is anger. Why, you little-- And after that comes fear. What's after fear ? What's after fear ? Bargaining. Get me out of this. I'll make it worth your while. And finally, acceptance. Well, we all gotta go sometime. Mr. Simpson, your progress astounds me.

Mom, I know your intentions are good, but aren't the police a protective force that maintains... the status quo for the wealthy elite? Don't you think we ought to attack the roots of social problems... instead of jamming people into overcrowded prisons?

Why are you laughing? Hey. They're laughing at your pain. That's mean.

I'm not gonna stand for this. I'm gonna call the newspapers, the TV stations, the gas stations, everybody!

Wow! Look at all the colors, man! Red, green, yellow, orange! I remember all of these! I'm freaking out! Hey, something's comin' back to me! Down with homework! And down with uniforms! Yea!

It's dignity! Gah! Don't you even know dignity when you see it?

The one who shot me was--

You're about a foot short of the record. Wait a minute.

"The Chairman of the Company"-- you know who I'm talking about. Get out here, you gumba! Krustelah, there's an old friend backstage... who wants to say hello. Huh? What? I can't believe it! They've been feuding for years.

I'm seeing double here. Four Krustys.

Marge, this is Thai food. From now on, I want it morning, noon and night. When did you start liking Thai food? When Trent Steel bought me some. Who's Trent Steel? He's Max Power's oldest and dearest friend.

Would it really be worth living in a world without television?

Hmm. That's odd. Usually the blood gets off at the second floor.

mentally snip out the part where I already had a husband, that's my idea of romance. Marge, I want you to stop seeing this jacques. You can let him down gently, but over the next couple of months, I want you to break it off. Uh, okay, Homer. Whoo! That was a close one, kids.

"A," he'd say. Then "B." "C" would usually follow.

Oh, mercy. Seriously, though, before we draw up the budget, I believe the students and faculty have a few suggestions. I want a crystal bucket for my slop water. Oh, and a brand-new filthy blanket.

I'm pretty sure it wasn't. Our phone bill is $400. They've charged us for a call to Brazil. Boy, did you make a prank call to Brazil? No, sir. I didn't. Choke on your lies! I'll teach you to-- Homer, they must've made a mistake.

jealous? Well, no. We've got the same chair. You're jealous. Your membership pack.

Oh, cold shoulder, huh? Well, I'll just talk to myself. "Hey, how you doing, Homer?" "Oh, not too bad. How about you?" "Oh, I'm fine. Your wife was great in bed last night." "You keep your hands off my wife!" "Oh, yeah? Well, I give her what she needs. And she like..." (CHOKING) "Homer, stop it!"

And here's how you remember their principal exports. "Dogs eat barf solely on Wednesday, Mabel." Stop! I want to learn on my own.

Next on Comedy Central, an all-new South Park. I hear those kids' voices are done by grown-ups. Hey, there's nothing wrong with that. I just wonder how they keep it so fresh after 43 episodes. I can't believe we paid to see a band...

Ohh. I'm gonna miss the whole summer. Don't worry, boy. When you get a job like me, you'll miss every summer.

Take a hike, Kojak!

Yeah, i want to send her two dozen roses. And I want to put something nice on the card, like, um-- Uh, "Renee, my treasure--" Hey, shut up, or I'll ram a stool down your throat! Uh, no. No, no. I don't want that on the card.

Why it's Fred Flintstone and his lovely wife, Wilma. Oh, and this must be little Pebbles. Mind if I come in? I brought chocolates. Yabba dabba do! He's an awful, awful, awful man.

Hi, I'm Ron Howard. Billy Baldwin! I'm Alec Baldwin. Wait a minute. Xena can't fly. - I told you. I'm not Xena. I'm Lucy Lawless. - Oh. Wow, Joe Namath! That's right. My car broke down in front of your house. Yo, dudes! Awesome show.

Well, you'd be a welcome change of pace... from the rest of these crude and uncouth sailors. - Arr! Arr! Arr! - Arr! Arr! Arr!

No! At least, could I have my dollar--

As chairman of the P.T.A., I am de-didilly-lighted to take over, and I think I can put the "pal" back in principal. Yeah, and I'll put the "super" back in superintendent. It's the same exact joke. What gives, Leo?

Somewhere there's a thingy that tells you how to work this stuff. The, um... manual! The manual, right. Aha! It's as fat as a phone book! "Congratulations on your purchase of a Fissionator 1952 slow fission reactor--" D'oh! Get to the point.

PRISONERS: Kill the rat! Kill the rat! PRISONERS: Kill the rat! PRISONERS: Kill the rat! What happened to the guards? PRISONERS: Kill the rat!

Buddy Can you spare a dime Huh ? What the-- Uh, Mr. Burns ? Aah !

Hey, just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand.

We can all learn a lot from this young man here. This-This-- Rudiger. Rudiger. And if we can all be more like little Rudiger-- - His name is Bart. - His name isn't important.

Oh, there he is. And now, I must choose a beautiful partner for the big dance contest. Hmm. Hmm-hmm. No! Hmm.

That's correct, Tom. The lion's share of this flight will be devoted... to she study of the effects of weightlessness on tiny screws. Unbelievable. And just imagine the logistics of weightlessness. Of course, this could have literally millions of applications here on earth... in everything from watchmaking to watch repair. Boring. Oh, no! The batteries!

Why, you've probably never even seen your own face in the mirror, have you? Here. Hmm?

Happy birthday to you Happy birthday - Happy birthday to you - Happy birthday Happy birthday, Burnsie Happy birthday to you Go to hell, you old bastard.

Bart, I hope you won't bear some sort of simpleminded grudge against me. I was merely trying to fend off the desecration of the school building. - Eat my shorts. - Pardon ?

Big enough for two.

Dad, it's in there again! No! It's stuck on my hand! This shouldn't be too hard to fix-- with the right tools.

You're nothing but a pack of fickle mush-heads. He's right. Give us hell, Quimby.

Hmm, with little tiny baby-sized gifts. Well, I'll be in the tub. By the way, congratulations on your new job, Homer. New job? Marge is pregnant?

Whoa, that's funny! There's only one way my show can compete with this. Book that animal that always chomps on my groin.

Something's wrong. Dad died.

see my vest see my vest see my vest like my loafers former gophers

Can we see the elephant? We'll pay you money. For the ninth time, no! Wait a minute. This gives me an idea. Mm, here's a better sign, Dad. I don't have time to read it. just give me the gist of it, Son.

Mmm, recirculated air.

I miss Bea. I miss you too. Oh, Abraham, calm down. I'm not here to scare you. They've got me haunting a family in Texas. Oh. Well, I'm glad you're keeping busy. Now listen, Abe. I want to know why my money isn't bringing you happiness.

I said take off those damn glasses!

j A West End town A dead-end world) w' East End boys West End girls j

Okay, boy. I wrote down exactly what to say. just read it, and you're a Shoo-in! "Hello, Mr.-- Kurns. I bad want... money now. Me sick." Ooh, he card reads good.

Hey, see the sign? Sorry.

A hand! Ow! Daddy, something attacked me! Oh, now, Roddy, it's just a stuck ball. I'll get it.

- a pay raise for ourselves? - No! Okay, this should make my bosses very happy. Your bosses? Yep. All 250 million of them.

No more Shiva-related pokings.

Listen to your mother, kids. Aim low. Aim so low, no one will even care if you succeed.

Oh, I'm gonna lose my job just 'cause I'm dangerously unqualified!

Happy birthday!

But now I'm here to tell you about a remarkable new invention. Until now, this was the only way to get juice from an orange. You mean there's a better way? But that's all changed-- thanks to the juice Loosener.

Noooo! Fun, huh?

We're here! We're queer! We don't want any more bears! We're here! We're queer! We don't want any more bears!

Only your death. McBain ! Ah ! McBain !

- Come on, live a little. - No, thank you.

with a number he calls "Kernel knowledge." I'm hot buttered check it and see I got A fever of 453 I'm hot so very hot Four?

Oh, Daddy! This tastes like Grandma! Holy Moses! It does taste like Grandma!

And that is that. Good-bye, mind-numbing, backbreaking labor forever. Hello, dream job in paradise.

Eating animals is wrong.

Run, Daddy! Run! Open the door, Maude! I don't have time for the secret knock! Oh! I'm panicking, Neddy! I can't work the knob.

It's the first annual montgomery burns award For... Outstanding achievement in... The field of excellence!

I've got two tickets to paradise Won't you pack your bags and leave tonight I've got two tickets to paradise I've got two tickets to paradise

I am honored to announce that we are changing the name of our town to Libertyville!

The Drain Bugger! Ah!

Well, most women will tell you that you're a fool... to think you can change a man. But those women are quitters! What?

Spin-off! Is there any word more thrilling to the human soul? Hi, I'm Troy McClure. You may remember me from such TV spin-offs as Son of Sanford and Son and After Mannix. I'm here at the Museum of TV and Television... with a real treat for Simpsons fans, if any,

I wouldn't count on that, Number Five. As far as your family knows, Homer Simpson is walking in the front door... right about now. I'm sorry. What? Homie! Marge, honey, fraülein, I'm home.

No, Dad! He wants you to blow your horn. Oh. That little punk!

Hey, Billy, hey, joey-- Come on in. There's plenty of room. Sorry. Not you, Homer. Why not? But you let in Homer Glumpet.

(GROANS) The awesome power of the human mind. (GROANS) I see Ray, too. - So do I. - Uh-oh. Well, I'm not worried. You've already agreed not to sue me for anything. When did I agree to that? You did when I validated your parking. You didn't validate my parking. Check and mate.

That canine of yours is in my pool again.

I'm going to be the best car thief ever. Hey! Oh, no, you don't! Ow. He thought he was gonna steal-- D'OH! Stealing, Stealing stealing A car For moe

See you on the Island. Yes, the Island.

To the most beautiful moment in life. Better than the deed, better than the memory-- the moment of anticipation.

Do you come with the car? Oh, you.

Hey, watch it! Aah! Oh, fudge! Ooh! Mmm! Move over, eggs. Bacon just got a new best friend- fudge!

I regret nothing!

"Barclay, Barry, Bert, Bort!"

Jingle bells jingle bells Bart! Why are you doing that?

What's the matter with your face? Is that a fake nose? Are you wearing chin putty? I don't have to listen to these wild allegations!

I'm happy to announce... that another union has joined us in a sympathy strike. The Piano Tuners Local 412! Piano tuners?

Inside every man is a struggle between good and evil that cannot be resolved. I am evil Homer. I am evil Homer. I am evil Homer I am evil Homer.

To old man Burns, who's paying us to drink because we're embarrassing. - We suck! - We suck! (GROANS) A lot of that went in my lungs.

I said, "Whoo-hoo."

he spelled "Yale" with a six. I see. Well, I-- Oh, you know, I just remembered it's time for my annual donation. I wonder how much I should give. Well, frankly, test scores like Larry's would call for a very generous contribution. For example, a score of 400 would require a donation of new football uniforms.

Here you go, Bart. It's a longshot, but that's all I can do without learning ancient Hebrew. Bart, I am not going to learn ancient Hebrew.

Maybe it's a sign. Coltrane? Lisa, I'm glad you're ready to love again. But a kitty needs a proper name, like Whiskers or Paws Skaggs. Well, I think it's only fair I get to name him. You got to name me. You should be glad I did. Your father wanted to call you "Bartzina."

Thank you, Lisa. They were made for the finest family in Britain. I don't know how we ended up with them. Uh-oh. Should I laugh? Was that dry British wit or selfish self-pity? They're staring at me. Better respond. Oh, it's good to hear a boisterous American laugh.

Looks like all you're teaching is obnoxiousness and poor sportsmanship. Don't forget showboating. That's the cornerstone of my pyramid of success. Ooh! I forgot crotch grabbing. That'll be the sun. Mmm-hmm.

"Shallum begat Hilkiah." "And he shall turn the heart of the fathers to the children, "and the heart of the children to their fathers, lest I come and smite the earth with a curse." Well, that's it. We'll get some coffee. We'll get some matzo ball soup.

Come on, Bart. You know better than to talk to strangers. For your information, I'm his father. His father-- the drunken gambler? That's right. And who might you be? Hi-yah!

Ah. I love these lazy Saturdays. - It's Wednesday, Homer. - Work! Ah.

What do you hit 'em with? There's no mallet. You can stop Satan with your faith. My face? You callin' me ugly? No, no, no, no. I think you're beautiful. Oh, that's it!

Bart, we did it! Now we get to keep our house, and you get to go back to the fourth grade! Tomorrow we were gonna find out who the dish ran away with. - The spoon, Bart. - Of course! Oh-- Someday I'll have my vengeance.

and the presents. I'm really sorry. You little-- Lisa, no! Your hands are too weak. Stop that. I'm gonna kill him. No, I'm killing him first.

Hey, Chief, can I hold my gun sideways? It looks so cool.

So I won't get to go to camp? Now, Bart, we made this deal because I thought it would help you get good grades. And you didn't. But why should you pay for my mistake? You mean I can go? Yeah. I didn't want you hanging around all summer anyway. Oh, Dad, you're the best father a boy could ever have!

Boy, talk about irony. The A.M.A. tries to drive you guys out of business. Now you're doing the same to me! Think about the irony. You've been warned. Stop chiropracting! Not unless you think about the irony!

Look at Shemp. He is so high! Hey, Shemp is "hemp" spelled backwards. And "Otto" is "Otto" backwards. Now I'm scared.

I heard your dad went into a restaurant and ate everything in the restaurant, and they had to close the restaurant.

Everything's gonna be all right. Come on, kids. We should go. Goodbye, Selma. I'm not dead, idiot.

We certainly do. Boi-oi-oi-oingggg! Why did you say that? Is your check gonna bounce? No. Of course not. Duh! Why did you say that? Are you implying that I'm dumb? Uh, l have to go.

You try to open the door, but there's too much blood on the knob--

So, Milhouse. It must be a little tough... givin' up all that glamour and comin' back to school, huh? Quiet! Maybe I can get my citizenship.

Bart created a ruckus on a Hawaiian Airline jet, attacking several flight attendants. While he was in rehab, the part of Bart Simpson was played... by his good friend Richie Rich. Bart, what do you mean you have jury duty? Don't have a cow, Mother. Fans reacted to these... slapdash episodes with yawns.

You load 16 tons and what do you get Another day older and deeper in debt Amen, Ernie.

Homer, stop that. It's just a weather station. Come on, Marge. It's fun to smash things. I smashed it good. You got real "Purdy" hair.

Nope. It says right there, "School Bus." Well, there's nothing scarier than having to go to school.

(SOBS) (TIRES SQUEALING) (SCREAMING) Car! Car what? Car is the subject, but I don't know the verb.

Oh, we don't assemble them here. That's done in Flint, Michigan. Any of your workers had their hands cut off by machinery? No. And then the hand started crawling around and tried to strangle everybody? No, that has never happened. Any popped eyeballs?

Can I have a minute to think about this ? Sure. Hmm. Life with the Simpsons. What choice do I have ?

Ach du Liebe! Das ist not eine booby. Is that story true, Grampa? Well, most of it. I did wear a dress for a period in the '40s. Oh, they had designers then.

Nobody upstages Little Vicki.

- How's Dad today? - Not too good, Lisa. Frankly, he's underneath the table. Nobody make me any breakfast. A man so deeply in debt doesn't deserve it. But I like to make you breakfast. In that case, I'll just have French toast with double butter and a side of bacon.

How much do those cost? I don't care. Wow! Thanks, Sparkle. Wait... This isn't you. That's the old Sparkle. Get your worthless butts in the van. We got three more schools. Let's go, go, go!

I don't feel right clubbing women and children, chief. I hear ya. Some days are tougher than others. Just close your eyes and club. CLANCY: This is it, boys. We'll have to tummy-kiss our way out. (BLOWING TUMMY KISSES) (BABIES LAUGHING)

Shh! Ooh, I hear this really sucks.

Dibs. First dibs. I get to lick the beaters. Ow ! Ow ! Ow ! Litha, my "ongue" is "uck" in the "eaters." My "ongue" !

Ron! - You killed Ron Howard. - Okay, I'll stop.

Hey, 700 Club. You look like a healthy specimen. Well, I did finish first in the Walk for the Cure of homosexuality.

Hmm. So, 120 pins later, I am the better man.

Hey, look! I can see my voice!

Step away from the wall! Step away from the wall! Oh, it's so beautiful! One churro, please. That'll be $14. Here.

This was my fiancee, Gertrude. I was working so hard, I missed our wedding, our honeymoon and our divorce proceedings. She died of loneliness. Loneliness and rabies.

And the lowest grade in the class-- She's gonna say my name! Lisa Simpson-- zero.

Charlie Callas doesn't sleep in the ground. Yes, I'm still alive, and I'm making my sounds. So sit back, relax and watch our revue

Wait. Only that ship is going to Mars. Ours is headed for the sun. Yeah. Ain't that a kick in the teeth? I mean, my shows weren't great, but I never tied people up and forced 'em to watch. And I could've, 'cause I'm a big guy, and I'm good with knots. So we're all gonna die? Afraid so. But hey, the grub's pretty good, huh?

Remember our honeymoon? (DOG HOWLING) Well, I gotta get back to work. Hold that thought. (RETCHING)

You’re Baby Stink Breath! You’re Baby Stink Breath! En francais. Vous étes i 'entant Stink Breath!

Right. You go over and wow them. I hide in the shrubs. Hot stuff comin' through. My friendship-- You know you want it.

Homer Simpson! Oh, my God! How'd you do it, Homer? I discovered a meal between breakfast and brunch. And now the award for most improved odor--

Relax, honey. You were just having a crazy nightmare. You're back with your family now where there's nothing to be afraid of. Except that fog that turns people inside out.

'Cause it says "Hammermill" over here. Um, no. Shh! English - US - Line 21

Well, what do you know? Cats eat flies.

And with a male roommate, we can walk around naked.

Hey, give me some room! Watch the elbow, Seamus! Hey, look, everybody! Free beer!

Lisa, I need your help, so I'm gonna let you in on a secret-- there's no such thing. I knew it! I knew it! Because why would they have our national grammar rodeo in another nation? You're gonna be in so much trouble-- I'm in trouble already. Here's what happened.

Dad, that's just a plant. Lisa! You will respect your new mother. Now, give her a kiss. Kiss her! Oh-my-God! Oh-my-God! Oh-my-God! All right. Let's get our stories straight. She tripped, right?

I went down Mount Everest on a boogie board. Wow. Climbed Niagara Falls. Ooh! Oh! And just last month, I knocked out Muhammad Ali. Oh, how awful. But this is the biggest thrill ever-- the opening of my 112th store!

I'm sorry, Mr. Blackbeard. We're low on chairs, and this is the last one. Arr! This chair be high, says I.

YOu-- You saved my life, Bart.

Who wants chocolate ice cream? Me! Me! Me, me!

No, I'm not. I suck. It's true. He does. Yeah, he does. Don't listen to them, Son. I have total faith in you. You don't get it, do you? I don't want to be your stupid quarterback! I quit! What?

Tutoring? The only thing Bart's teaching is guerrilla combat in Shelbyville.

Oh, uh-- Although, you know-- Though I started my career... several years before Krusty, so, you know, I could never really have learned anything... directly from him,

I know how to change the way the public thinks of me. I'll buy every media outlet in town! Bring me a checkbook and a mother mole! (SUCKING) I really got hooked on this stuff.

Help. The human's about to escape. Get your paws off me, you dirty ape! He can talk! He can talk. He can talk. He can talk! He can talk! He can talk! He can talk! I can sing

Oh, my God. It's our high school prom-- And once again I have no date. Simpson. Hello, Dondelinger. You're not on the guest list, Simpson. Orders of prom king Ziff. And have you been drinking? Just for 25 years. Let's go, mister.

Spare some salt, tubby? Tubby? Yoink. Hey, that's mine! Hey. Like we say in my county, "Hasta la vista, baby."

All right, I think we've heard just about enough from Mr. Newspaper today.

Hello. I'm Troy McClure. You may remember me from such movies as Cry Yuma and Here Comes the Coast Guard. But today I'd like to talk to you about a pleasant-tasting candy... that actually cleans and straightens your teeth.

Slow down Buckle up Take the time, rehearse Always safety first

Got any spare change, man? Yes! And you ain't gettin' it! Everybody wants somethin' for nothin'. I'm old! Gimme, gimme, gimme!

Oh, my God! We can't let Homer know! What? Huh? Oh, that is it! Abraham J. Simpson, you are never driving again, ever!

What a feeling! I'm as happy as a smoker... taking that first puff in the morning.

Uh, he will be along eventually. In the meantime, our counselors Dolph, jimbo and Kearney... will be happy to handle any problems you may have.

Ahh! Do you ever think anything you don't say?

Can we verify exactly what time Bart was at the show? (TAPE REWINDING) If only we had the exact date. (TAPE REWINDING) Bingo! Thank you, Mr. Alcatraaaz. Ain't nothin'. Uh-uh-uh. It is nothing.

As you can see, Simpson, I have taken over all 78 channels, and you won't see any of your favorite shows again until you give in! Whoa! That bites. Holy crap!

Behold the box of mystery! The cat goes in-- right here--

Mr. Mayor, you claim to be faithful to your wife. But I have obtained this exclusive videotape. (NERVOUS GROAN) Come on, baby, read my sash. You're the "major"? That's "mayor," you fertile moron! Two things are certain. The mayor is in deep trouble.

Who wears short shorts Shh!

Help! Oh, I've never seen anything like-- My eyes have been soiled. Come on, Maude! The human wang is a beautiful thing. Homer, for God sakes, put your poncho on! Okay, okay! Narc.

Kids, Itchy and Scratchy can't be here today. But instead, we've got the next best thing. It's The Stingy and Battery Show! They bite and light and bite and light and bite You know what I'm talking about. Uh-oh.

That's discipline. That's like telling Gene Krupa not to go-- Hmm. Lack of discipline. I'm beginning to see the problem.

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on Wu!

I hope I Will enjoy my show Lisa. Lisa! Lisa, come back before everyone finds out what a horrible father I am!

I'm trying to impress people here, Lisa. You don't win friends with salad.

Listen to this testimonial. Oh, I would date Ned in a second if I was a woman or gay. He looks like a cuddler, that Ned. I-i like that. I like to be held. I like to be pampered. So, if you're tired of dating the same old losers-- What are you doing, Homer? step up to the best.

Only if we're the best. I beat the smart kids I beat the smart kids I bent my wookie. Hey, Ralph, wanna come with me and Alison to play anagrams? We take proper names and rearrange the letters... to form a description of that person. My cat's breath smells like cat food.

What the hell are you smiling at? Oh. Now, in case all that smiling didn't cheer you up, there's one thing that never fails: a nice glass of warm milk, a little nap and a total frontal lobotomy.

Hey, this is Homer Simpson saying howdy... to all the girls out there in radio land. Hey, this is Homer Simpson saying-- I don't sound like that, do I?

What's that name again? I forgot. The name's poochie D. and I rock the telly i'm half Joe camel and A thIrd fonzarelli I'm the kung fu hippie from gangster city I'm A rappin' surfer you the fool I pity Ooh, Poochie is one outrageous dude.

Look, if I was under 17, I'd be in school, right? Yeah, I guess you're right. Enjoy Boob-A-Rama, sir. Why, there are no children here at the 4-H Club either. Am I so out of touch? No. It's the children who are wrong.

Car gone! Car gone! Yeah. We know that. Wh-Where has it gone to? Car gone! Car gone! Car gone!

Lousy message! Don't, you crazy fool! You'll kill us all! Correction: Kill us both! "I love yoU"-- It's an angel!

Leave me alone.

Look out, Jonah. It's a whale.

The Springfield Police have told me that 91% of all traffic accidents... are caused by you six guys. I knew we could do it! Yeah, I know. I know. But the bad news is...

Well, you'll probably want the accessory kit. Holster.

Whoo, lovely desk. It would be too bad if someone-- Oh, I don't know-- didn't use a coaster! Such a nice tidy office. Maybe it's time you started living like a pig!

Why are you saying that? just screwin' with your mind.

Edward the Penitent? I'm really, really, really sorry. I'm afraid sorry doesn't cut it with this pope. Oh-ho.

I was gonna put buttresses in. Gonna, wanna, shoulda. Willie, destroy it.

Oh, we're done for. We're done for. We're done-didilly done for! We're done-didilly-dodilly done-didilly-dodilly done-didilly-dodilly done-- Flanders! Snap out of it!

Now, make no mistake. When I say "first aid," I'm not talking about some sort of charity rock concert.

No, wait. That wasn't a trick. I was gonna juggle chickens.

Will you forget the report ? He's down at the rescue mission. We checked. He's long gone. Can you think of any reason he might have run away ? Anything at all ? Well, we did kind of yell at him... and sent him to his room... and tried to force him to apologize to his sister.

What is the meaning of this ? Meaningless, Marge. Don't even attempt to find meaning in it. There's nothing between me and Princess Kashmir.

I told Otto he could have the wedding here. Hope that's okay. You should have asked first, Bart. Weddings are hard work and cost thousands of dollars!

Hey, that really sucked!

Let the destruction begin ! Hey, they forgot my corn dog !

And to keep the show's animators, editors, staff and hangers-on from leaking the solution, two completely different endings were produced. One real, one phony.

Nah, He's just a cheap imitation of Radioactive Man. Explain. The similarities are subtle, but many. For example, Radioactive Man has his famous catchphrase, "Up and Atom!" With "at 'em" spelled A-T-O-M, in a delicious pun. Go on. While Radiation Dude has a similar, but lamer catchphrase, "Up and let's go!"

Oh, it's a donkey. Shh. They'll hear us. They didn't hear us in the sewing room.

That was the first time I ever saw Itchy and Scratchy, and I didn't like it one bit! It was disgusting and violent! I think all you people are despicable! For shame!

Pop, what are you gonna do? Something I should have done a long time ago. You don't know, do you? No, ma'am.

There is A man there is A man A certain man A certain man A man whose grace and handsome face are known across the land you know his name you know his name it's Mr. Burns it's Mr. Burns He loves A smoke enjoys A joke

Homer, Bart, Lisa, Maggie, stop it !

My mother's inside, Mrs. Simpson. Please go right on in. Oh, you speak so politely to adults. My upbringing was painfully strict, ma'am. That's sweet. And, finally, Moe's Tavern has contributed a coupon... as their way of saying "Welcome to Springfield." Thank you. This is all so nice.

Yeah. We ran out of floorboards there, so we painted the dirt. Pretty clever! Oh, something is definitely wrong with this hallway. Come on in! It's your master bedroom! Ow! My nose! Well, I've seen about enough.

Okay, "nonsmoker-- add eight years." Hmm. So according to this, I'll live to be-- 42? Oh, that's horrible! I won't even live to see my children die.

It's gonna kill you! Ehh, I've had a good run. Don't, uh-- Um, it's low-fat! No! Whew! That was close. Thank God it landed in that smoking crater!

Lisa, we're not supposed to see each other before the wedding. It's tradition.

Smithers, I'm licked. You open this can. Okay, but you softened it up for me. Hold it, Smithers. I'll open the can. But, sir, how? To the mall! I'll explain on the way.

What are we laughing at ?

9-1-1. This better be good. I cut off my husband's thumb. Attempted murder? You'll burn for this-- burn in jail! It was an accident! Yeah, yeah. Save it for Dateline Tuesday. Uh, what's your address so I can come arrest you?

Here you go, Bart. Hmm. "Springfield Kozy Kort Motel, room 26. How 'bout it ? Flash."

But there's nothing funny about... vapor lock. It's the third most common cause of car stallings. So please, take care of your car and get it checked. I'm joe Namath. Good night. Scully, you're cut.

and even though Frank's... agonizing struggle through life was tragically cut short, I am sure he's looking down... from heaven right now-- Change the channel, Marge. That's our Homer.

a private club where gentlemen can play some cards and see a show-- Miss Belle, we're about to do our "Around the World" number, but Monte Carlo can't find her dice. Here you go, darlin'. Normally, we don't allow children in here, but your father was so insistent.

I'm sergeAnt pepper's lonely hearts club man I hope I Will enjoy my show

Jebus, where are you? Homer to jebus.

You're not listening. I never do. Yee-haw!

Oh! Man, that's good. Mad Dog, I've been thinking. Maybe we should get another smoke detector in case that one trips out on us. Why bother, baby? One smoke detector's enough for Mad Dog. Now, let's hit the sack.

The Itchy and Scratchy Show Hmm?

Duh, I'm the captain. My son is Bart. What an oaf. How embarrassing. I'm glad he's not my father.

You little-- Lisa, no! Your hands are too weak. Stop that. I'm gonna kill him. No, I'm killing him first.

You did it, Dad! You can't prove I did it. No! You saved our lives. I could do a lot of things if I had some money. What? Now there's a picture.

Dad, look. I made fish sticks. They're burned on the outside, but they're frozen on the inside, so it balances out. Yeah, good. That raccoon stole my lamb chop! Let's have a little quality time together, just you and me. Oh, that's sweet.

- Right. - sexual. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. I danced with a gay. Marge, Lisa, promise me you won't tell anyone. Promise me! You're being ridiculous. Am I, Marge? Am I? Think of the property values.

Please spare me. I'm not a murderer, I'm not. And I've never known the pleasures of a woman or a proper eating apple. Quiet, you. Ugh! There's cheese in my eel pie! This week in our Summer Hanging Series,

Hey, hands off my pickle! I don't see your name on it, boy. No, but-- Oh, yeah? Check... mate! Always thinking two moves ahead.

Now I'm paying the price, but there's so many things I'll never get a chance to do-- smoke a cigarette, use a fake I.D., shave a swear word in my hair... That's all I can stands. I can't stands no more.

"Ketchup." "Catsup." "Ketchup." "Catsup." "Catsup." k-- k-- Oh, I'm in way over my head. He's, uh, talking to the ketchup now.

<