comb.io - Clips

- I'll get you, squealer. - Ow! Okay, that's it. On behalf of Sack Stuffers local 199, I'm callin' a strike. Strike! Strike! Strike! Strike! Strike! Strike! Oh, the bag boys are on strike.

So you want a realistic, down-to-earth show... that's completely off-the-wall and swarming with magic robots? That's right. Yeah, good. And also you should win things by watching. Huh. You kids don't know what you want. That's why you're still kids-- 'cause you're stupid!

Well, I never thought I'd see it. They're dancing on the Berlin Wall. These live and lively lovers of liberation... Boring. Sorry I ruined your date, Sergeant Carter. Pyle!

Well, uh... Why? You haven't paid your rent. Can I at least get my stuff? All I found in there was a jar of mustard and a couple of old Cycle magazines. Wow! I had mustard?

He's your friend, Morris and you took advantage of him. All right. All right. I'll split the million with Homer. Jeepers, Mary and joseph! I sleep with a chick once it costs me half a million bananas.

Well, Seymour, you are an odd fellow, but I must say you steam a good ham. Help! Help!

I used to be "with it." But then they changed what "it" was. Now what I'm with isn't "it," and what's "it" seems weird and scary to me. It'll happen to you!

home of the brave oh, ameriCa's the home of the brave the brave America the brave the brave homE of the brave Thank you, Springfield! I love you! Peace! Thank you, Cyndi Lauper. just a reminder, folks.

Mr. Stingley. Where is the rent I must have the rent Dollars, dimes and nickels I need them all right now I literally chewed the scenery. The other family members were also spreading their creative wings.

If the students find out I'm performing at Floppy's, I'll never live it down. I won't tell if you put me on the guest list. All right. Plus one? Nae. Now I'll give you directions starting from the Simpsons' house.

Well, you've come to the right place. Buddhism teaches that suffering is caused by desire. Richard Gere?

Ooh! This contest is over. Give that man the $10,000. This isn't America's Funniest Home Videos. But the ball-- his groin--

And that's good enough for me. Yum! Wow. Wow. That made me completely forget about Bob Balaban.

Good news, honey. Two weeks are up. You don't have to wear your glasses anymore. And your scalp and posture seem fine. Yes! Kids, did anyone pray for giant shoes? - I did! - Okilly-dokilly.

Lubchenko must return to game. Oh, your playing days are over, my friend. But you can always fall back on your degree in... Communications? Oh, dear Lord. I know. Is phony major. Lubchenko learn nothing. Nothing.

Oh, man. How are we supposed to kill the rest of the afternoon? You mustn't kill time, boys. You must cherish it. Seize the day! Can I have some change to go get loaded?

Look, everybody. I'm the same person I always was. Whoa! Hey, he's learning on his own! Get him!

All right, all right, who took the funny pages ? So Ziggy goes to the repair shop... and there's a sign on the doorbell reading, "Out of order." Ah, Ziggy. Will you ever win ?

Wow. I wish I had an elephant. You did. His name was Stampy. You loved him. Oh, yeah.

Look at me! I'm acting young! Hey. This ain't so bad.

Huh? Oh, no. The train! D'oh! I gotta find another way to wreck Moe's car.

I like stories.

D'oh! This is no good. I've gotta get up higher. Give me all your balloons. I hope this works. These are for you if you let me use your cherry picker. Well, I've already got some balloons, but they're not this nice. Deal!

That rhymes, Marge, and you know it rhymes. Admit it!

Yep. Why would that Twinkle want to go out with a Ding Dong like me? Flanders, I mix Twinkies and Ding Dongs all the time. In Europe, they call it a "Dinkie." Well, sir, that's very encouraging...

Who needS the kwik-e-mart

By special order of the mayor of Springfield, you are hereby granted a full and complete pardon. Congratulations, Robert Underdunk Terwilliger. Boat's on the other side. Yes, thank you.

No thanks to you, Homer. Why, you little-- Now, Homer, please. The boy's just had a very serious operation. Oh, right.

And that talkin' coyote was really just a talkin' dog. Hi, Homer. Find your soul mate. Hey. Wait a minute! There's no such thing as a talkin' dog. Damn straight.

Ow, my eyeball!

I wouldn't tackle the big one right away. Oh, yeah? What do you know about it? Hmm? It's you! You're him! You're Tony Randall!

Marge... where's that... metal dealie... you use to... dig... food? You mean, a spoon? Yeah, yeah, yeah!

I forget which one the good one is. I did not come to this country illegally to see it mocked. There's the boy who bared his bottom to Old Glory and the family that applauds his every moonery!

Oh, Apu, it's beautiful. Yes. This is where I come when I need some refuge from the modern world... or when I want to see drive-in movies for free. I know it is not easy to be a vegetarian, Lisa. That's why I ran away from home. What? She's leaving home? Wow! Paul McCartney!

You can't do this to me. I'm Charles Montgomery Burns ! - Smithers, tip over this table for me. - Yes, sir.

I know. Doesn't it just honk you off? Their periodic table has 250 elements. And our school board's cut us back to 16. All of them lanthanides. You know, we could get equipment like this through a bond issue. Hmm. Here's your bond issue.

Mmm. Somehow, Homer became addicted to painkillers.

I don't know, 50?

Here's some more chocolate curls, gun buddies. Anyone else want a beer? Homer, you use your gun as a can opener? I use it for everything. Watch me turn on the TV.

- They fight and bite - and bark - they fight and fight and bite - and bark fight, fight, fight woof, woof, woof the itchy and scratchy and poochie show

That's nice work, boys. Uh-oh! Someone's getting a visit from Superintendent Chalmers. I... can't... take... this.

Yello. Hi, Homie. I feel much better. Listen, Marge... uh... how would you feel if I told you the dog ran away?

And now, it's time for Match Game 2034, with Billy Crystal, Hey! Farrah Fawcett-Majors- O'Neal-Varney, the "I didn't do it" boy, ventriloquist loni Anderson, Ooh! Spike Lee,

I know I really shouldn't, but when am I gonna be here again? Whee! Well, if it isn't little-- uh, boy.

When I waS 17 i drank some very good beer i drank some very good beer I purchased with a fake i.D. My name was BriaN mcgee

So how are we enjoying the festivities? Yes. The music is from southern Hungary. That's quite an ear. Have some money.

There goes the last lingering thread of my heterosexuality.

as I make this remainder-- disappear. But seven goes into 28 four times. Uh-- This is a magic seven!

Hey, America, you're So fine. You're so fine, you bLow my mind. America. Well, that's very concise, but it's an insult to everything I suffered for. Now, take a seat, junior, and listen to someone... who gave their youth in service of their country.

Oh, about 40, I suppose. When are we going on the air? We're on the air now, Skeletor. What? Question two: How long is your wiener? Seriously. Great heavens! What kind of Radiola show is this? All right, how about this? When was your first gay experience? Oh, well, when I was six, my father took me on a picnic. That was a gay old time.

Well, I think it's good for a show to go off the air before it becomes stale and repetitive. Maggie shot Mr. Burns again!

That's the kind of thing you should start learning at baptism. Um-- actually, you see-- we were never baptized. Oh! Neddie? Neddie!

I'm so hungry I could eat at Arby's. Oh, my gosh! Oh, wow! She really is hungry. She's really hungry.

You'll get to see it as soon as we unveil our new ad campaign. Let me see! Let me see! Out of the way! Homer. Homer, wake up. There's still a few minutes till our usual bedtime. No. My invention! All my money problems could've-- Money problems? Homer, are we in some sort of fiduciary trouble?

That was a gay old time. Ho-ho! I ate my share of wieners that day. Oh, that sounds lovely. Queer. Queer. Um, ever murder anybody? Murder? Well, mistakes have been made.

It's The Sou-ou-oul Mass Transit System. Give it to me. El yoyÓ es grande. ¡Ay, chihuahua! As you can see, Simpson, I have taken over all 78 channels, and you won't see any of your favorite shows again until you give in!

even the one that got cut off by the copy machine. Well, I guess I was just on a roll. Don't be so modest, Lisa. You earned that A-plus-plus-plus. Actually there are four pluses. No. That's Drambuie. Mmm! Oh, so plump and juicy.

Well, we have an opening on the debate team. Debate, like arguing ? Yes. I'll take that, you stinkpot !

May we talk about, uh, accentuating the- masculine area? Did you hear that, people? Apu asked about crotch stuffing. Now, I dont do it. Kenny Loggins does. I trusted you!

"The Bart, The." No one who speaks German can be an evil man.

But he fired me. Now I spend my days drinking cheap scotch and watching Comedy Central. Oh, dear God!

8:58. First time I've ever been early for work-- except for all those daylight savings days. Lousy farmers.

The Flaming Homer? You mean the Flaming Moe and your dad didn't invent it, you wuss. Moe the bartender did.

Okay. Now, everyone take out your safety pencil and a circle of paper. This week I hope we can finish our work on the letter "A." Let me get this straight. We're behind the rest of our class, and we're going to catch up to them by going slower than they are? Cuckoo! Cuckoo! Cuckoo! Cuckoo! Cuckoo!

Where's my radiation suit? How the hell should I know?

Oh, don't make me choose. Shankar, Shankar-- Oh, here we go. Oh! Sorry. You Make me feel so young you make me feel so Spring has sprung

Whoo! Whoo! Ee-eew. Lisa, the blob has got me! Don't touch me, or it'll get you too! Dad, you have to put chlorine in the water every day to keep it clean.

Hey, I heard we're going to Ape Island. Yeah, to capture a giant ape. I wish we were going to Candy Apple Island. Candy Apple Island? What do they got there? Apes, but they're not so big.

I wish I was a hero. Well, wishing won't make it so. You gotta pull up your diaper, get out there... and be the best damn Barney you can be. Here I come, world!

I have to go now. My planet needs me.

Your burgers are getting cold, guy-- Holy moly. Huh ?

This is what I think of your store! Silly customer! You cannot hurt a Twinkie!

I wonder what my life would be like if I robbed the Kwik-E-Mart. I'll do it. I'll rob the Kwik-E-Mart.

Hello, chief. Let's talk. Why not?

Come on. This one's easy. We give up. Well, guess! Book of Revelations. Fire-breathing lion's head. Tail made out of snakes. Who else is it gonna be? Jesus? Je-- je-- Ohh!

Destroy! Destroy!

Hey, hey! Are you ready to get rowdy? Excuse me? Somebody hired me for an emergency bachelor party. Well, there's been a mistake.

Anybody care what this guy thinks? No! Mmm.

I've been doing some thinking, and I got some ideas to improve the show. I got it right here. Uh, one: Poochie needs to be louder, angrier and have access to a time machine. Two: Whenever Poochie's not on screen, all the other characters should be asking, "Where's Poochie?" Three--

I want it. I want it. I want it! - Look! It's Lisa Lionheart! - Keep running. We're almost there.

From now on, you'll be, uh, Homer Thompson at Terror Lake.

It's him! I bring you peace.

- I am a new tie wearing. - Oh, yeah.

I'll never wash this hand again. Dad, make Bart wash his hand. Sorry, Lise. I no longer control the hand. The hand controls me! Dad! Shut up, you little monsters!

They'd been given rifles, but no ammunition. Dad, look! Television! Teacher! Mother! Secret lover. Urge to kill fading.

Sir, if you just quiet down, I'd be happy to treat you to a garbage bag full of popcorn. Oh! This may surprise you, but you can't buy me off with food. I'm sick of all your stereotypes and cheap jokes. The overweight individuals in this country... are just as smart and talented and hardworking as everybody else. And they're gonna make their voices heard.

I'm singin' in the rain Just singin' in the rain What a glorious feelin' It burns like a Glasgow bikini wax! We'd better stay inside.

Mr. and Mrs. Apu Nahasapeemapetilon. Aw, geez! I am no good at weddings. I am no good at weddings.

Well, well, well, look who's here. Master detective Eliza Simpson and her easily amazed sidekick, Dr. Bartley. (GASPS) (IN BRITISH ACCENT) What's this? A doorknob. Good show. So what clues has the body shown? (SCOFFS) We don't need clues. We've already caught the killer.

Well, well. Steve Sax, from New York City. I heard some guy got killed in New York and they never solved the case. But you wouldn't know anything about that now, would you, Steve? But there's hundreds of unsolved murders in New York City. You don't know when to keep your mouth shut do you, Saxy boy?

No, no. Could you wear the Mr. Plow jacket? just, uh, for fun. Oh.

Wait a minute, you little cheater. You're not going anywhere until you tell me what a "kwyjibo" is. "Kwyjibo." Uh-- A big, dumb, balding, North American ape with no chin. And a short temper. I'll show you a big, dumb, balding ape ! Uh-oh. Kwyjibo on the loose.

Hey, Bart-Bart, looks like a beautiful day to swipe some "pic-i-nic" baskets. But, "Homi," Ranger Ned's not gonna like that. I'll handle Ranger Ned. After all, I'm smarter than the average bear.

Well, now for our weekly segment, "Yesterday's News," featuring Homer Simpson. Are you as bored as I am with the antics of this warmed-over Fred Flintstone? I say it's time to put this one-trick pony out to stud. Whoo-hoo! First up, Maude Flanders. - Homer! - But she said I-- Dad, what she's saying is you've had your moment in the sun,

A tunnel! Bart's digging us out! Not on my watch he's not! Oh, no! I know it looks like the path to freedom. But one collapse, and presto-- you've got a snow casket. I was gonna put buttresses in. Gonna, wanna, shoulda. Willie, destroy it.

How about we take a family walk around the block? Yay! I want to amble.

I am glad he's gone. As am I. B'oh! It's probably my imagination, but something about them didn't seem quite right. Really? Excuse me for just a moment. People, that was all wrong!

I'm more worried about Al's jacket. How many stations can you get on that thing? All right. Listen. I am sick of your jokes about the wardrobe! You people can dress yourselves! Well, folks, he's got a point.

It is the '70s, right down to the smallest detail! Hey, the bartender even looks like John Travolta. Yeah, looks like.

I'd like another Faberge egg, please. Sir, don't you think you've had enough? I'll tell you when I've had enough!

Bob, one of my fillings fell out. Even murder has its ugly side. Bob, would you mind rubbing my feet?

Oh, now I really think the children's appearance-- Seymour, you are in very, very big trouble. Why, looking into this loveable mutt's eyes just melts my heart. Seymour, all is forgiven. Make way for Willie!

Here's a float saluting the Native Americans, who taught us how to celebrate Thanksgiving. Interesting sidenote on this float: The papier-mâché is composed entirely of broken treaties. They're good sports.

the ghoulS all Came from their humble abodes to get A jolt from my electrodes they did the mash they did the monster mash the monster mash it was A graveyard smash they did the mash it Caught on in A flash

For no reason here's apu

You leave Mr. Burns out of this!

Yeah, I know I'm on. But I don't care. I don't read the news until I get my Danish. Go ahead. Try to find a replacement. Aah! A powerful tidal wave in Kuala Lumpur has killed 120 people. ¡Ay, chihuahua! Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Well, it was a good ride while it lasted. Come on, kids. Let's go home. We are home. That was fast.

Ooh! Someone’s coming. Now who’s the sociopath? Huh? Moe. He's got a dark side I’ve never dreamed of. Well, mystery solved. Wait a moment.

If you ever travel back in time, don't step on anything... because even the tiniest change... can alter the future in ways you can't imagine. Fine. As long as I stand perfectly still and don't touch anything, I won't destroy the future.

What's this? "Extremely high voltage." Well, I don't need safety gloves, because I'm Homer Simp--

Oh, look at that rich-- Shh! Don't shush me, you rich bastard!

Wait a minute! You didn't learn how World War ii ended. We won! Yea! U.S.A.! U.S.A.! U.S.A.! U.S.A.!

Fritz, you idiot! I didn't order a baloney sandwich! I ordered an abalone sandwich! I don't know what Mom's thinking.

What the hell happened?

Oh, Homey. Here the kids have a chance to see a great work of art, and instead they're home watching a cat and mouse disembowel each other. Hey, don't worry, Marge. Pretty soon, every boy and girl in Springfield Elementary School is gonna come see this thing. Really ? Why ? They're forcing 'em !

Yep. I saw her. That is to say, I seen her.

Your wife has paid your bail, Mr. Simpson-san. Thank God. Couldn't take another minute in this hellhole.

Who wants a bathtub mint julep? Mm-hmm!

I've been so blind. I'll lavish my attention on Maggie, the forgotten Simpson. Maggie! It's me, Daddy! Daddy's gonna spend a lot more time with you. Yes, he is. Yes, he is!

Well, I am. Let me have that card.

Look at that comic book fellow calmly eating candy like a Spaniard. Time for monkey to shine. I'd like to buy a mint condition Spider-Man number one, please. And I'd like an hour on the holodeck with Seven of Nine.

we sell the parts off Jason Bateman's Bentley. What did you do to my car? Dude, you've been chop shopped! Why would you do that? How am I gonna get home? Chop shop! Chop shop!

I've been everywhere, man I've been everywhere Travel, I've done my share, man I've been everywhere I've been to Springfield, Shelbyville, Ogdenville Cap City, Ogdenberg, Shelbytown, Spring City Capfield, West Springfield, Paris, Rome And Shelbyville adjacent... Sing it, baby! Whoo! That's a lot of places. Whoo-ee! Oh, yeah!

Computers can do that? Oh, yes. The only problem is the moral dilemma it raises, which requires-- Oh, I love-- Moral whuzzah? An A-plus! How did you do it? Oh, let's just say I had help from a little magic box. You changed your grade with a computer? D'oh!

That figures. Come on, you stupid dog.

Now I can't stand in line anymore. Bart Simpson, creative genius? What's it to ya? I'm from the Internet. We'd like to turn Angry Dad into an animated series. Wow! Angry Dad-- an Internet cartoon. I'll be in cyberspace next to the Nabisco Cookie Web site!

Gee, your station has a lot of problems. Tell me about it. just look at our morning guy. Hello. This is Moleman in the Morning. Good Moleman to you. Today, part four of our series... of the agonizing pain in which I live every day.

Lack of discipline. I'm beginning to see the problem. We don't believe in rules. Like, we gave them up when we started living like freaky beatniks. You don't believe in rules, yet you want to control Ned's anger. Yeah. You've gotta help us, Doc. We've tried nothing, and we're all out of ideas.

I did it. I walked all the way to Moe's from my house. Way to go, Dad.

Why, " my best friend- f Homer's Voice] Maggie. Huh? - Bad news, Sheriff- - f Homer's Voice f Lisa Simpson. - Some Indians took all the- - f Homer's Voice] McNuggets. Mmm, McNuggets. f Sia vering f

No children have ever meddled with the Republican Party and lived to tell about it.

Help me! Help me!

Little girl, I've had lots of jobs in my day-- whale hunter, seal clubber, president of the Fox network-- And, like most people, yeah, I've dealt a little ivory.

I'll, uh, print you out a copy. Thanks. Hello. Smithers. You're. Quite. Good. At. Turning. Me. On. Um, you probably should ignore that.

Get back here, boy. You're a disgrace to this family, and its proud naval tradition. Well, I'm keeping this earring, and you can't stop me!

This is the happiest day of my life-- Hi-yi-ya! Got it! No shock for me! Oh, yeah? Whoa!

Oh, not in Utica. No. It's an Albany expression. I see. You know, these hamburgers are quite similar to the ones they have at Krusty Burger. Oh, no. Patented Skinner burgers. Old family recipe. For steamed hams.

bald as a cue ball, ten years on the same job... for the same salary. But today, as I leave for Capital City, I consider myself... the luckiest mascot... on the face of the earth.

I'll have to read Marge's book. And I swore never to read again after To Kill a Mockingbird gave me no useful advice on killing mockingbirds! It did teach me not to judge a man based on the color of his skin. But what good does that do me?

if you cut every corner it is really not so bad everybody does it even mom and dad If nobody sees it

Yeah, it's for all your charity work and, um, for, uh, you know, teaching us, um, to love again. Really? I did that? How the hell should I know? just get in the cage. What-- Oh. Hazing the new guy, eh? You know, when I was dubbed Sir Elton, the queen paddled me silly.

Dad, did you read all these books today? Everything from Hop on Pop to Death Be Not Proud. It's so tragic the way they hopped on Pop.

Smithers, use the amnesia ray. You mean, the revolver, sir? Precisely. Be sure to wipe your own memory clear when you're finished.

Yes, ma'am. I'd like to return to your wonderful Sunday school, please. Uh, but, Bart, we banned you from Sunday school. You were happy. We were happy. Everybody was happy, particularly the hamster. I've changed my ways.

People, please! We're all frightened and horny. But we can't let some killer dolphins keep us from living and scoring! Willie, must you do that now? Ach! You want streaks? 'Cause if you interrupt me, that's what you'll get!

Safe! Wow. My first home run. That's my boy. Come on. Hug me. Cobras! Cobras!

Abortions for all. Very well. No abortions for anyone. Hmm. Abortions for some, miniature American flags for others.

No. Mom, Bart and some kids ran off to wage war on Shelbyville! Homer, come quick! Bart's quit his tutoring job and joined a violence gang!

Introducing Ling Bouvier! (GASPS) Selma, she's beautiful. (GURGLING) This is Homer, your daddy. Without him, I wouldn't have you.

No. Mom, Bart and some kids ran off to wage war on Shelbyville! Homer, come quick! Bart's quit his tutoring job and joined a violence gang!

I'll be blunt. Bart's latest escapade... goes far beyond the realm of the high jink. There. Now the floor is as good as new. My sport goggles! Your son is a ravenous demon, relentlessly gnawing at all that's good and true. Yeah, he's something else, all right.

Dad! Those all come from the same animal! Oh, yeah, right, Lisa. A wonderful, magical animal.

Man alive, there are men alive in here. I'm detecting over 20 different toxins in the air. All right, everybody out! As long as Burns is pumping oil, this bar is closed. Damn Burns. Lemme just get one thing. Me too.

Uh- I mean "bird." Wait a minute now! Guess what. I'm dying- with the basting... and the Butterballing, and the chestnut stuffing in my puplkl Gobble-gobble-gobble! Death.

Waldo, where are you?

Earth is now ripe for the plucking.

All right, we're here. Let us never speak of the shortcut again. Now, remember, we're in the Itchy Lot.

with their eyes.

No! Stop! I left my gun on the seat!

All of 'em great. I did the commercials myself. Remember kids, Drunken Cowboy brand whiskey is smooth as milk!

- Better or worse? - Much better! Lisa, no! Your hands are too weak! Ow! Ow! Ooh! I'll mace you good!

Color sky Havana lake Color sky rose carmethene Alizarin crimson Wear your love like heaven Wear your love like heaven Wear your love like heaven

Got any of that beer that has candy floating in it? You know, SkittlebrÄu? Such a product does not exist, sir. I think you must have dreamed it. Oh. Well, then just give me a six-pack and a couple of bags of Skittles.

Homer, there's a family of possums in here. I call the big one Bitey. I'm going to see Mr. Lanley.

Dad, make Bart wash his hand. Sorry, Lise. I no longer control the hand. The hand controls me! Dad! Shut up, you little monsters! Hello, I was wondering if you'd like to babysit my little angels.

That's South Dakota. Oh!

- 'Tis a fine barn, but sure 'tis no pool, English. - D'oh-ith!

Don't blame me. I didn't do it.

Toreador, oh, don't spit on the floor Please use the cuspidor That's what it's for - Bart, stop fooling around.

I, uh, stand corrected.

Uh-oh! We'll give that punk a joe C-section. Let's do this thing. All right now, boys, that's enough.

Hey, Willie, catch the football! All right, I'll-- Ahh.

Okay, okay. Hold on. Hold on. I smell marijuana smoke. That better be medicinal! If Phish don't see a prescription slip, we are outta here. We can wait all night, people. Here we go. Whoa! This guy is seriously ill.

Homer kept saying he could do a more realistic family show. Finally, I said, "So do it. Either or get off the pot." And he did.

O Canada Order. Order. Do you kids want to be like the real U.N., or do you just want to squabble and waste time?

Holy cow, you're as big as a house! Homer, come home with me. No, Marge, I can't. I mean, look at me. I'm a trainee. They won't even tell me what's in the secret sauce. And I can't buy you a decent wedding ring.

just follow me. Put your hand on my hip. Okay.

Hang in there, baby. You said it, kitty. "Copyright 1968"? Hmm. Determined or not, that cat must be long dead. That's kind of a downer.

Go ahead-a, Bart. Take-a the Bonestorm. The store, she's so rich she'll-a never notice. Duh, it's the company's fault for making you want it so much. Don't do it, son. How's that game gonna help your putting?

Lousy chub night. Hey, how come he gets meat and we don't? You wouldn't want what he's eating. It's mostly snouts and entrails. Mmm... snouts.

while you spend the afternoon watching unpredictable Mexican sitcoms. ¡Ay, el estÓmago! Run along, you little scamp.

(GULPS) See you in the morning. You monster! (SCREAMING) We placed a compliance chip in the back of your neck during the company physical. (LAUGHING) That's it, mister. I am disgruntled. And up until now, I was relatively gruntled.

The Squidport, the old monorail-- The Play-Doh factory. Crescent moon! Crescent moon! Come on, Springfield. Sparkle for me, baby.

Oh. Well, you still have Lenny and Carl. Oh, Lenny and Carl suck! Please don't tell Lenny and Carl I said that, 'cause if I ever lost 'em as friends--

Now, I'll tell you-- that doesn't make a lick of sense! I know. just get on the bus.

Uh, Brooks, Groening, Simon, you're all cut.

if you got rid of the talking pie. What, are you crazy? It's a buddy picture. Without the pie, it would just be me on screen for two hours. Oh, yeah, and you'd hate that. No, no, no. You can't lose the pie. The pie is your heart.

Question mark. Smiley face. Next. Wait a minute. It says here you're single. Did I do wrong?

Oh, jacques, you handsome devil. Look at you. You're really going to strike out tonight !

Cause when the beat is hot, the- Hey, can you keep a secret? What is it, hon? I hate disco. ts all I’ve talked about for so long that people think I'm a one-note guy. ts just getting harder, you know? I had no idea Disco Stu was so complex.

Five, four, three, two--

(SCREAMING) Wait. (GRUNTING) I did it. I pulled it out. And with no brain damage... (STUTTERING REPEATEDLY) Now we'll get all your chips out, go to the police and shut this place down.

Oh, the Simpsons. Well, they're not getting back in here.

All right, I'm in charge here. Oh, run along, Quimby. I think they're dedicating a phone booth somewhere. Watch it, you talking tub of donut batter.

No, Homer. Let's do it. Let's call room service!

If elected mayor... my first act will be to kill the whole lot of ya and burn your town to cinders.

- f Bats Voice] Wake up, Dad. - [Homer's Voice f Huh? What?

Mom, I don't feel so good. What is it, honey? My tummy really hurts.

You know, we had a lot of fun tonight. But there's nothing funny about... vapor lock. It's the third most common cause of car stallings. So please, take care of your car and get it checked. I'm joe Namath. Good night.

Oh! That was a real horn-honker! Let's see it. Now! Do it! Oh! DO it! Hot dogs Armour hot dogs Sing it like you mean it!

What do you call it? It's called a Flaming... ...Moe! It's called a Flaming Moe. That's right, a Flaming Moe. My name is Moe, and I invented it.

Hello. Is this A. Aronson? It might interest you to know that Marge Simpson is pregnant again. just thought you'd like to know, Mr. Zowkowski. There. Aronson and Zowkowski are the two biggest gossips in town.

I'm Mike Wallace. I'm Morley Safer. And I'm Ed Bradley. All this and Andy Rooney tonight on 60 Minutes!

Mountain Dew or crab juice. Oh, geez! I'll take a crab juice.

George, this is the last straw! You apologize to Homer right now! But, Bar, we can't show any weakness in front of the Russians. George!

You stay here till you're no longer insane. Hmm. Chili would be good tonight.

Is that normal? Yeah, he's just playing Wiggle Puppy. That's a dog he made up who flies by waggin' his tail.

Milhouse to Bart. Milhouse to Bart. Please don't hate me. Please?

- And what was your name? - Poor Violet. Oh, I don't like where this is going. Your story made everyone at the orphanage so sad. We want you to have this dollar we were saving. Please, I don't deserve this. Hey, listen up, everybody. The Simpsons are the best friends I ever had.

I need the biggest seed bell you have. No, that's too big.

Dad. Dad? - You really wanna get rid of this trampoline? - Uh-huh. Observe. A bike lock. Now just turn around and count to three.

May I have this dance ? Sure. Whoa !

Cool, man. A media circus. Absolutely not.

Ow! Not the pointed end, you dumb-ass! Reinforcements! Tanks? Oh, this is just too inaccurate.

I did it. I walked all the way to Moe's from my house. Way to go, Dad. You know, I feel pretty good.

Go crazy? Don't mind if I do!

Oh. That lady swallowed a baby.

We're number one! We're number one!

I hope you're happy, kid. The studio's bankrupt.

- What about bacon? - No. - Ham? - No. Pork chops? Dad! Those all come from the same animal! Oh, yeah, right, Lisa. A wonderful, magical animal.

replacing Andy Griffith in The Andy Griffith Show. Where's Otis? He's not in his cell. - I shot him. - Well, that's a-- What? Now I'm goin' down to Emmett's fix-it shop-- to fix Emmett.

Mr. Simpson, how do you respond to the charge... that petty vandalism such as graffiti is down 80%, while heavy sack beatings are up a shocking 900%?

(BUZZING) Your kid sucks! Bring it on! ANNOUNCER: Hockey Dads. Commence fighting! Hockey Dad rules! Feel the drunken wrath of Chuck Shadowski!

You weren't complaining when I got you this close to Chachi. What's a Chachi?

Hmm. I don't think they're giving enough information, Dad. I'll figure it out. I'm gonna use all the power of my brain.

That was a right pretty speech, sir. But I ask you, what is a contract? Webster's defines it as "an agreement under the law which is unbreakable." "Which is unbreakable"! Excuse me. I must use the restroom.

Mr. Simpson, look at this lineup and tell us if any of these are the aliens you saw. Yo! No, I'm sorry. This is an outrage dragging me into-- Oh, this makes me very angry.

and this cute little cuddle-bug is pancreatic cancer. Here's what happens when they all try to get through the door at once. Move it, chowderhead! We call it Three Stooges syndrome. So what you're saying is I'm indestructible.

We gotta kick one person out. Someone who’s alone, already bitter. Someone whose feelings have been trampled on so many times, one more wont make any- Oh, Moe. Yeah, that's me, all right.

I'm joe Namath. Good night.

Pi is exactly three! Very sorry that it had to come to that, but... now that I have your attention, we have some exciting new research from young Lisa Simpson. Let's bring her out and pay attention. - She's just a little girl. - In the larval stage. - Silly. Let's not listen.

And... make yourselves at home. Hear that, Dad ? You can lie around in your underwear and scratch yourself.

Hey, don't scratch up them heads!

Oh, I wouldn't wanna be Mr. T. right now. Homer, the kids have a great idea how you can clear your name! The media's making a monster out of you because they don't care about the truth. All they care about is entertainment. You need a forum where they don't even know the meaning of the word entertainment-- - public access television. - Oh.

Hey, Moe, what'll you give me for an A.A. chip? Uh, Barney, this is a five-minute chip. Ah, it's worth a Pabst.

No, that's not good. Marge, honey, I love you. Oh. Um-- Marge, I love ya, baby. Marge, sweetie, "hooney," honey-- Ah, this'll never work.

was shot, following a tense confrontation at town hall. Burns was rushed to a nearby hospital, where he was pronounced dead. He was then transferred to a better hospital, where doctors upgraded his condition to alive.

Excuse me, ma'am? Uh, hello? Somebody? Anybody?

Welcome to my world.

Uh, there's Chiquita. That's Del Monte. There's a Banan Co. Gorilla's Choice. Hmm. Now, uh, everyone follow me to my chair, where I just need to get off of my feet for a few minutes. Oh, I won't be getting up soon.

No one knows how old he is, but if you ask me, and most people do, he's a hundred years if he's a day. And no one's ever caught him ? Well, one fella came close. Went by the name of Homer. Seven feet tall he was, with arms like tree trunks. And his eyes were like steel, cold and hard. Had A shock of hair, red, like the fires of hell.

"So You've Settled for Branson." We gotta go after them! But how? Branson is a thousand miles away, and we've got no car. Oh, that was lucky. Come on, boys! Yay! Uh, we'll wait for the next one.

Stupid fingers. You're wrong! You're wrong! You don't need long fingers to play the blues. The blues come from in here. My God, they are stubby. I didn't steal that copper wire. I just thought they were throwing it out.

I'd like to buy 500 shares of Animotion, Incorporated.

...And scratchy show!

Who needs the Kwik-E-Mart I do Hey, he's not happy at all! He lied to us through song! I hate when people do that!

Come on, Lisa. Watch a little cable with us. Oh, it won't cost you a thing... except your soul ! What's gotten into Lisa ? Beats the hell outta me.

Assassins ! Oh, a hundred and twenty-five bucks ! Sometimes you gotta spoil yourself. Spoil yourself. Spoil yourself. But I can't afford to--

Look out over the water. I figured if one six-pack holder will catch one fish, a million sewn together will catch a million fish. Watch.

Oh, no. I'm going to preserve the evidence until Mom and Dad get home. And you'll never babysit again! You know, honey, when I think of all the good times we've had together--

And who's selling the uranium to the terrorists? Mmm. Mm-hmm. Montgomery Burns. Now we wait. Let go of me! I'm innocent! Whoa, he's in trouble.

Where have you seen Roman numerals before? I know. Rocky V. That was the fifth one. So Rocky V plus Rocky ii... equals Rocky Vii: Adrian's Revenge!

Everything's a rave. "Nine thumbs up"? What the hell is that? I've given out my share of bad reviews.

Now, don't worry, Homer. You're the kind of guy I could really dig... a grave for! Your indolence is inefficacious! Oh? That means you're terrible!

jump with all your might. Ahh-- Oh, no. Willy didn't make it! And he crushed our boy! - Ugh! What a mess. - Oh! I don't like this new director's cut.

Got any of that beer that has candy floating in it? You know, SkittlebrÄu? Such a product does not exist, sir. I think you must have dreamed it.

Men. Boo! Canceled. The safe baby craze.

joe, honey, I fixed it. It was just vapor lock. Oh. Oops. Hey, look, I gotta run. Remember what I told you. Okay, Bart, concentrate. Remember what I told ya. just one thing.

Maybe I should have taken a nice calligraphy class.

Well, I've only read it in books.

Please, Homer, just leave us alone. Hmm.

Damn it, where's that card? What card? I wrote down what I was going to say on a card. Stupid thing must have fallen out of my pocket. Is this it? What's it say?

J; Now, a guitar has many, many nicknames: an ax, a gitbox- I guess that's it. Anyway, we're gonna start with the fundamentals: playing a burning guitar with your teeth.

How much is this free resort weekend? It's free. And when is this weekend? It's this weekend. Uh-huh. And how much does it cost? - Um, it's free. - I see. And when is it? It's this weekend. And what are you charging for this free weekend?

Worker and Parasite!

Well, he framed me for armed robbery. But, man, I'm aching for that upper-class tax cut.

(LAUGHING MANIACALLY) Oh, man. (GASPS) A sign!

Yea! We took back the night! Hey, fellas! Hey, you wanna stop with the kicking? My pills are in that can! Good gravy! I don't kick your things. When you're trying to breathe on the machine, do I go up and kick it?

uh, where do you want the Fudge Mahal?

Aren't there any evil movies on? Maybe something about an evil island? There's something really different about you, Dad. - I am a new tie wearing. - Oh, yeah.

He can't be the Hulk. I'm the Hulk. Oh, please. You couldn't even change into Bill Bixby. Come on, damn it! Change!

You were going broke because we were your only customers. Wasn't that the problem in the first place, that you were going broke? Moe? Moe? Hey! Moe? You're thinking about all the money you blew, aren't ya? What was it, 50-- $60,000? Moe?

I have learned that someone in this room is a squealer. We've narrowed it down to either Johnny Tightlips or Frankie the Squealer. Okay, it's me! I can't help it! I just like squealin'! It makes me feel big! All right, come on. You're history.

You know, I had this very same discussion with your mother ten years ago. If the baby's a boy what do you think of the name Larry? We can't do that.

Now we don't want to kill him.

Give 'em the food! Oh, no. The roast beef is making them stronger. And the falafel is making 'em angrier!

Stop that! Stop that at once! You're fighting!

Then the calls began. Well, I-- I think I may be coveting my own wife. I'm meek, but I could probably stand to be meeker. I-i-i think I swallowed a toothpick! Finally, I just stopped caring.

Uh, I'd like some flowers. What kind of flowers ? You know, pretty ones, not dead. We have some beautiful long-stem roses. - They're $55 a dozen. - One, please.

Bart, why are you doing that? Our class is making refreshments for Skinner's party. These are in honor of his army days. That explains the flags. - What about the dog food? - My theory is Skinner likes dog food. Let's bake him a cake.

Ullman shorts, Christmas show Marge's fling, Homer's bro Bart in well, Flanders fails Whacking snakes, monorail Mr. Plow, Homer space Sideshow Bob steps on rakes Lisa's future, Selma's hubby Marge not proud Homer chubby Homer worries Bart is gay Poochie, U2, NRA Hippies, Vegas and Japan Octuplets and Bart's boy band

One betting disk, please. "One betting disk, please."

Better take a shortcut. Good show last night. Yeah, quite good.

- Rod, go get Daddy his buryin' shovel. - Yea! You sure buried him deep, Daddy. Not so deep the Lord can't find him... and judge him. This is the best birthday I ever had.

It's breathtaking. Look. There's the Imperial Gardens. The Meiji Shrine. The Hello Kitty factory.

And I spent so much time building that trophy case.

Our last bachelor likes women who take their clothes off for money. Let's hear it for Moe! Why do we have to stand here? This is so humiliatin'.

Whoa, ho. Loggins and Oates. And it's free. I've never heard of these bands, Mom. - What kind of music do they play? - Crap-Rock? No. Wuss-Rock? That's it.

(ALL SCREAMING)

Then why did you put yours in the window? Arr, it covered up the "D" from the health inspector. Well, I say we ban Homer from our restaurants. No. That would be impolite. I say we kill him! Now, hold on a minute. Are we restauranteurs, or are we murderers?

Hey, if you want wild bears eating your children... and scaring away your salmon, that's your business. But I'm not gonna take it! Who's with me? I am! I am! We're here! We're queer! We don't want any more bears! We're here! We're queer! We don't want any more bears!

Hmm. He's got a lob, but I don't hear a dob. Oh. Uh, there it is. You're lucky he's still alive. This freezer is an attractive nuisance. just look at all that ice cream. It's damn near irresistible.

I've argued in front of every judge in the state, often as a lawyer.

I was trying to punish him exactly like you would. So, in a way, you really dropped the ball on this one. This is your mess, and I'll be damned if I'm gonna clean it up.

where I will eat naught but burning-hot coals... and drink naught but burning-hot cola. Where fiery demons will punch me in the back, where my soul will be chopped into confetti... and strewn upon a parade of murderers and single mothers, where my tongue will be torn out by ravenous birds.

Ow ! Nevermore, nevermore, nevermore, nevermore, nevermore-- Dag-- Doggone it !

I don't know what's happening. It seems our profits have dropped 37%. I'm afraid we have a bad image, sir. Market research shows people see you as something of an ogre. I ought to club them and eat their bones! Well, maybe this film festival could help us. A film biography might let them get to know the real you-- virtuous, heroic, nubile--

Okay, okay. Don't panic. Maybe they'll tire themselves out with their chant. (SHRIEKS) I call the balls of his feet! (ALL SHOUTING ANGRILY) Marge, they're gonna kill me!

We've all been the victims of a cruel hoax perpetrated by a ten-year-old hooligan. The time has come for finger-pointing, and most of them are squarely aimed at the boy's parents. It's not our fault. We didn't want the boy.

Zeppelin rules!

P lay us some" _ pian-ee " J; That's piano! I said "pian-eel" J; You, play the "cell-ee"l

Get off! Get off!

Your friendship during this difficult time will not be forgotten. However, I've decided to return to the only thing besides school... that has ever given my life meaning-- I've reenlisted in the United States Army. Sincerely, Sergeant Seymour Skinner.

Butch Patrick! That's right. I was TV's Eddie Munster. And being in the public eye didn't mess me up one bit. Mm-hmm. Well, obviously. Hey, one question, Eddie. Butch.

Where were you planning to keep this horse? I've got it figured out. By day, it will roam free around the neighborhood and at night, it will nestle snugly between the cars in our garage. Dad, no!

When will all those fools learn that you can be perfectly healthy... simply eating vegetables, fruits, grains and cheese? Ooh, cheese! You don't eat cheese, Apu? No, I don't eat any food that comes from an animal. Oh! Then you must think I'm a monster. Yes, indeed, I do think that.

Hostess Twinkies? I heard if you age them for 10 years, they turn to liquor. Kids, go ride bikes for a while, huh? Yeah, you heard your mother.

guyS and dolls we're jusT A bunch of crazy guys and dolls oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah I want the mayor dead. I want his wife dead.

What if something goes wrong? What if? What if I'm taking a shower and I slip on a bar of soap? Oh, my God, I'd be killed! It frightens me that you want to work on something that's so unsafe. We monorail conductors are a crazy breed, half in love with death, gobbling up danger like ordinary men eat peanuts.

lollipop, lollipop oh, lolly-lollipop lollipop ow! Crack that whip licorice whip I Said whip it

They'd been given rifles, but no ammunition. Dad, look! Television! Teacher! Mother! Secret lover.

hit so far? Now, keep your head down. Ignore all distractions.

We cant tickle Elmo no more. Coochie, coochie coo! - No means no for Eimoi - Ow!

What does freedom mean to me?

Well, well, what have we here? Inspector, you've caught the villain! But what are you doing in an opium den? It's the only way I can get Ralphie to go to sleep. I can make opi-ohs! Well, Dr. Bartley, another mystery well solved.

It's hard to see what's going on. I can only make out the fat soldiers. All right, children, switch. Hey, they're trying to learn for free! Get 'em! Use your phony guns as clubs! Run, children!

I'm so funny. This is gonna be great. What are you doing? I'm writing a delicious send-up of Mr. Burns for his birthday party. Is "poo poo" one word or two? I don't think it's a good idea to humiliate your boss on his birthday.

Hey, kids, how was school? I learned how many drams in a pennyweight. I got expelled. That's my boy. Mmm, beer. What?

Yes ! Whoa ! Hmm. Provocative, but, uh, powerful. He's bad, but he'll die, so I like it. Hmm. Marge, a word, please.

But what can I do? I'm just-- one-- one man. I think we should call a town meeting.

Not since this reporter's marriage to Stephanie the weather lady... has this town been so consumed with rumor and innuendo. All because of this man. Today, one Abraham "Grampa" Simpson... announced that he would give away over $100,000...

Okay, gentlemen, I want you to raise your hand when you hear the tone. You can't tell me what to do. Nothing yet.

She's just a regular Malibu Stacy with a stupid, cheap hat. She still embodies all the awful stereotypes she did before. But she's got a new hat. I want it. I want it. I want it.

Okay, Son. Just remember to have fun out there today.

You haven't seen the best part. I couldn't watch your demonstration of the fish caught in the plastic rings... without getting an idea. Look out over the water.

Hmm. First they hate each other. Now all of a sudden they love each other. Oh, it doesn't make any sense to me. Of course not. You're a robot.

The burglar even took my stamp collection. You had a stamp collection? Stamp collection? Ha-ha!

We believe that God's last prophet, Bart Simpson, preached a message of tolerance and love. We believe the holy Bartman preached a message of understanding and peace before he was betrayed by his follower, Milhouse, and pulled apart by snowmobiles until he died.

Dad, it's in there again! No! It's stuck on my hand!

Bart, why are you doing that? Our class is making refreshments for Skinner's party. These are in honor of his army days. That explains the flags. - What about the dog food? - My theory is Skinner likes dog food. Let's bake him a cake. Ooh! A fresh batch of America balls!

This shouldn't be too hard to fix-- with the right tools. There. Better than new.

What a wingding ! This is much better... than my girlfriend's birthday party ! Homer ? Bart, get out and push. Yeah, Bart. Get out and push. No way, jose. Okay, we've seen a lion. Can we go now ?

Marge, my darling, I want you to meet with me again, That doesn't shock me. away from prying eyes, away from the Helens of the world, at my apartment-- the Fiesta Terrace.

(REQUIEM PLAYING) (COUGHING) (MUSIC STOPS) Oh, Mozart, I know you are gravely ill. So I brought you the very finest doctor in all of Austria.

How much do you love me ?

Hey, I'm the chief here. Bake him away, toys.

Ooh! A friendly bee.

I want you to look at me the way I saw you look at Arthur Fortune. Oh, Arthur Fortune. Yes! That's the look I'm looking for. What would make you and your slovenly kind look at me that way? Well, you don't have to call me slovenly. Yes, exactly!

I feel like chicken tonight Like chicken tonight Like chicken tonight

How could you have seen all this, Bart? Weren't you supposed to be in school? I... sorta skipped school.

Hey. We just got away with murder. And it was so easy! You know, I've never liked that little wiener Milhouse.

All right, stick it to the man.

No, children! No! Your education is important. Roman numerals, et cetera. Whatever. I tried.

Oh, my God! What's happening now? We work hard. We play hard. Everybody dance nOw oh! Everybody dance now

Mrs. Bouvier! Mrs. Bouvier! Mrs. Bouvier!

Whee, I'm Dick Tracy! Bam! Take that, Prune Face! Now I'm Prune Face! Take that, Dick Tracy! Now I'm Prune Tracy! Take that, Dick-- Ned, stop it at once! Stop it!

It's dying down. All clear, everyone! Dad, no! This may just be the eye of the hurricane. Relax. Can't you see how eerily calm it is? See? I told you it was over. Hmm.

Uh, yeah. I read in the personals you were seeking a soul mate. Well, I also like rainy days and movies. Uh-huh. Uh, no, I don't like that. Or that.

So long, kids! Enjoy your new home! Say "hi" to your other brother and sister. "Other brother and sister"? Face it. They're not great parents.

I think I can actually hear the air being torn, sir. Oh, shut up ! Hey, Burns ! Hey, rag arm !

Oh, General Gao, you were a bloodthirsty fool, but your chicken is delectable. This cookie feels heavy, as if there's some paper inside.

He won't escape, sir.

Azaria and Shearer, you're cut. Firestone, you're cut. So is judge. Namath, you stay. All of those people are cut. Bill Schultz and Wolf and Silverman. Goldreyer. O'Brien, Doyle, Selman, I don't know what you-- Elliott, I-- I don't know what you're doing here because you're all cut.

Oh, Ned, I am so sorry. I never knew you were such a Beatles fan. Of course I am! They were bigger than Jesus.

You liar! You did it, you lying jerk! Take that! You did it!

- You grabbed me in the car! - Oh, that. No, I was just grabbing a gummi Venus de Milo that got stuck to your pants. Yeah, right. That's the oldest excuse in the book. Come on. I'm a decent guy.

You have the right to remain silent. I choose to waive that right.

Bikini girls. Hmm?

J; Now, a guitar has many, many nicknames: an ax, a gitbox- I guess that's it. Anyway, we're gonna start with the fundamentals: playing a burning guitar with your teeth.

I guess this is the end, Wendell. He's Wendell. I'm Lewis. Whatever. just tell Wendell I said bye. Somebody help me!

Hammocks! Get your hammocks!

That's assault! That is assault! It was the best Thanksgiving ever. I mean, emotionally it was terrible, but the turkey was so moist. The carcass of the Simpsons' empire had been picked clean. But then came help from an unexpected source.

ANNOUNCER: Welcome back to Promiscuous Idiots Island on Fox, the home of Promiscuous Idiots. Last week on PII, our billionaire bachelor gave five lovely ladies a rose of continuation. And he hurled a rock of rejection at anyone displaying intelligence, character, or ethnicity.

Caramels. Waffle batter. Liquid smoke. Oooh, waffle runoff.

Lousy "Smarch" weather. "Do not touch Willie." Good advice.

Good afternoon and welcome to the Do What You Feel Festival. By the way, this young lady is not my wife, but I am sleeping with her. I'm telling you this because I'm comfortable with my womanizing. Yea! Arr! And now to usher in this new era of feeling good... here's the, uh, Godfather of Soul, james Brown.

for Motherloving's breakfast cereals? Twenty of your mortal years. But I had to quit when my fangs succumbed to gingivitis. Now all my victims have to be mashed up.

Are you really allowed to execute people at a local jail? From this point on, no talking.

down mexico way

You're goin' down, Homer. I'm gonna fool you. You talk better than you fool. I'll fool you up real nice.

DustBuster? Yech! Sir, I've arranged for the people of Australia...

The other thing about TV dinners, you don't have leftovers, you have reruns. TV dinner jokes? Ooh! Take that, Swanson's.

Hola, senor. We are gringos who wish to spend mucho dinero in your country.

Homer, we're out of vodka.

Listen. Would you pay to make more Itchy and Scratchy cartoons? You'll get more royalties. I don't need any more money. I'm not greedy. As long as I've got my health and my millions of dollars... and my gold house and my rocket car, - I don't need anything else. - Yes, but-- Not interested.

You think you've got problems? I just chewed my way out of a dog carrier. Elton john? That's my name. Well, not really. I hate to sound like a screaming fan, but--

This has been one of the most magical evenings of my life. I'm horny. I don't know what you said, but I'm sure it was beautiful. Oh, Homer. This is the kind of night I thought we could never have together--

Go apple! Go orange! Go banana!

Check for millipedes.

Hmm? Sir, I represent the estate of Charles Chaplin. I have a court order demanding an immediate halt... to this unauthorized imitation. Boys!

Come on, Homer. japan will be fun. You liked Rashomon. That's not how I remember it.

Hey, Bart-Bart, looks like a beautiful day to swipe some "pic-i-nic" baskets. But, "Homi," Ranger Ned's not gonna like that. I'll handle Ranger Ned. After all, I'm smarter than the average bear.

He ruined the one chance I had of getting to know Mr. Bergstrom outside of school. Mm. Well... I'll tell you what. Why don't we invite Mr. Bergstrom to dinner ?

Folks, do you realize without your support, public television can't afford to bring you such award-winning shows as... Edward the Penitent? I'm really, really, really sorry. I'm afraid sorry doesn't cut it with this pope. Oh-ho.

I've already lost the only thing that matters to me. Oh, Lisa, stop pining for your saxophone. I got you another instrument. What, this jug? Hee-hee! Whee! Whoa-ho-ho! Lisa, never, ever stop in the middle of a hoedown.

Oh, yeah. Good evening. Before we begin, is anyone here an investigative reporter? I am, and she is. Well, I'd like you to please leave. Should we take our hidden camera? Would you? Let's go, Phil.

- Ralph, I thought you were dead. - Nope!

As chairman of the P.T.A., I am de-didilly-lighted to take over, and I think I can put the "pal" back in principal. Yeah, and I'll put the "super" back in superintendent. It's the same exact joke. What gives, Leo?

Stuff starts disappearing--

Take a letter, Miss White. "Dear Valued Viewer: "Thank you for taking an interest in the itchy & Scratchy program. "Enclosed is a personally autographed photo... "of America's favorite cat and mouse team to add to your collection. "In regards to your specific comments about the show, "our research indicates that one person cannot make a difference...

I'm not a state! I'm a monster! No, Lisa. The only monster here is the gambling monster... that has enslaved your mother! I call him Gamblor! And it's time to snatch your mother from his neon claws!

Then everything is wrapped up in a neat little package! Really. I mean that. Sorry if it sounded sarcastic.

And now, for an emergency announcement from the mayor. People of Springfield, because of the epidemic, I have canceled my vacation to the Bahamas. I shall not leave the city-- Hey, you, get that steel drum out of the, uh, mayor's office. Sorry, "mon."

Um, ma'am, what if you're a really good person, but you're in a really, really bad fight... and your leg gets gangrene, and it has to be amputated, Will it be waiting for you in heaven ? For the last time, Bart, yes !

It'll follow me to the ends of the earth! All right! My bumper fell off! Not my fault. Act of God, act of God. Uh-oh. Uh--

J Her heart was as big as his stomach was large; J Oh, yeah, they say love goes on J J Long after the grilled cheese sandwich is gone JJ It would take a man of stone with a funny bone of steel to resist that.

Football in the Groin! Football in the Groin!

Look, Marge, honey, baby, doll, I-- Homer, I don't even want to look at you right now. What are you saying, honey ? But where will I sleep ? My suggestion... is for you to sleep in the filth you created. Would a motel be okay ?

I'm a motorist. Uh, that's some nice reckless drivin', Mr. B.

Ooh, kicking and screaming, please. As you wish. Noooooo!

Why do you think I took you to all those Police Academy movies? For fun? Well, I didn't hear anybody laughing! Did you? Except at that guy who made sound effects. Honk, honk!

Thanks for helping me out. You're a stand-up babe.

At least let's have a civilized conversation, shall we? Lisa, how was school? How was what? What? - School! School! - It's not time for school. I know it's not time-- I'm going into the dining room to have a conversation.

Yabba dabba do!

"F," "L"-- Oh, no. I'm sorry. That's a "C," isn't it ? If that was an oncoming vehicle, you'd be dead now. Next ! But, uh-- But driving is my livelihood. Oh, take it like a man.

Nobody snuggles with Max Power. You strap yourself in and feel the G's! Oh, Lord! And it doesn't stop in the bedroom. Oh, no. I'm taking charge. Kids, there's three ways to do things-- the right way, the wrong way and the Max Power way. Isn't that the wrong way? Yeah, but faster!

New job? Marge is pregnant? Noooo!

It's whisper quiet! You got all that from one bag of oranges? That's right. Order now and you'll also get Sun 'n' Run, the suntan lotion that's also a laxative.

This cross-country flight from the law would be hell if we didn't stick together. Hey. Friends stick together. It's amazing how through all this adversity, we managed to stick together. If there's one thing decent folk do, it's stick together. I hate it when the waffles stick together. Sticking together is what good waffles do.

Lisa, so you won't be scared, I'll show you some of the tools I'll be using. This is the scraper, this is the poker... and this happy little fellow is the gouger.

We're never gonna get out of-- Psst, cleaning lady. Would you let us out of here? Me? I'm Dolly Parton. I didn't ask for your life story. just give me the key. Young man, where I come from, the South, folks say "please." And besides, I gotta go sing a medley with Rob Lowe and Stump. Dolly, wait! Wally?

Oh, yeah? Well, put this in your Fife and smoke it. What the--

Ladies and gentlemen, may I invite you to behold... Montgomery Burns. Smithers. Ohh. Doh ! I don't care for this at all.

Aha! Aw. Twenty dollars. I wanted a peanut. Twenty dollars can buy many peanuts. Explain how. Money can be exchanged for goods and services. Whoo-hoo! Whoa!

we gotta start havin' designated drivers. Are you kidding me? We'll choose the same way they pick the pope. Everybody reach in and draw a pickled egg. Whoever gets the black egg stays sober tonight.

Of course, being a highly skilled attorney, my fee is $175 an hour. We pay eight dollars for the night, - and you can take two Popsicles out of the freezer. - Three. - Two. - Okay, two, and I get to keep this old birdcage. - Done. - Still got it.

And if you ever want to visit my show-- Nah. We're not gonna be doing that.

Bastard! He's always one step ahead.

Butch Patrick! That's right. I was TV's Eddie Munster. And being in the public eye didn't mess me up one bit.

My water broke! Oh, we must drive to the hospital. Cleanup in aisle three. Oh, finally. Gil's moving up to the big leagues, boy. Oh, my back.

Five, four, three, two-- All right! Here comes the implosion. "Implosion"? But I thought you said-- Hockey puck! Don Rickles zinged you, Marge.

Yup. A shiny new apple. I get it! Everything's made of blocks! - Even the water! - Uh, hey! Ow! Hey, Boat 28, stop splashing. What are you gonna do about it?

And the Wichita lineman is still on the (VOCALIZING) line Dad, I still have a couple of questions about this.

Speaking of heroes, here's mine. Tom Turkey !

You Choo-Choo-choose me? Happy Valentine's.

They're just like the terra-cOtta warriors of Xi'an. They sure are. That's not so disciplined. They're just children, Mr. Simpson. I guess.

Hey, why don't you be polite, you stinkin' pus bag! Pal, you gotta call that number on the boot. Sorry about that guy. They stick all the jerks in Tower One. That's it! I'm comin' over there! Why don't you come over here! - I got something for you! - Shut up, the both of youse!

What? That's an odd name! I'd have called them chazwazzers! Lisa! Marge!

All right, here's the 411, folks. Say some gangsta is dissin' your fly girl. Ya just give' em one of these. Ooh, eh, ah, ooh

Tom Landry's hat! And it's autographed! "To Berman's Dry Cleaning. Best wishes, Tom Landry." Why don't you buy it? I can't buy that. Only management-type guys with big salaries like me can afford things like that. Guys like me! I'm a guy like me!

Here, lottery officials present Springfield Elementary with a brand-new eraser. One eraser? I'm used to my government betraying me. I was in 'Nam. I served for-- And speaking of lotteries here are the winning numbers for this week's $40,000 jackpot.

Holy flirking shnit. What's the message?

Homie, I think the baby's coming.

This is where we invented the Lambada and the Macarena. We are now developing our most powerful dance-- the Penetrada. It makes sex look like a church! I don't think my daughter should hear this. You can't protect her forever,

Who's in my private washroom? McGuckett, let me in. - The door already is closed. - What? This is Colonel Leslie "Hap" Hapablap. If you don't open that door, I'll tear you up like a Kleenex at a snot party! You say you're in the military?

So long, Superman. Your secret identity is safe with me.

Yodeling Zeke, Butterball jackson, Freddie Boy and Yuma, Cloris Moselle, Big Shirtless Ron, Orville and Hurley, Gappy Mae, Hip Diddler, Rudy, the Ya Hoo Recovering Alcoholic jug Band, and tonight, in her syndicated TV debut-- Lurleen!

Primero, el ataque del "woodpeckero" loco. Luego, un "desastro" de electricidad. E finalmente, una "catÁstrofÍa" con una pelota de baseball.

All right. Listen. I am sick of your jokes about the wardrobe! You people can dress yourselves!

Seymour! I didn't bring you up to use language like that! You didn't bring me up at all. The hell I didn't! I've been taking care of you for 26 years! I'm the only mother you've ever known! But you have your real son. You're my real son! You've been my son longer than he has. He doesn't need me, and I don't need him!

just what I was gonna say. Look at me! I'm acting young! Hey. This ain't so bad.

Happy birthday to you, happy... It not my birthday, Seymour. You know I'm a Sagittarius. Really? I'm a Libra. There's a lot of compatibility there. Skinner, be gay on your own time. Today is the day we choose who gets the school's vending machine contract. I anticipate quite the dog and pony show.

"R," "Q," "G." Question mark. Smiley face. Next. Wait a minute.

We gotta fight the current. Wrong again, Flanders.

I bad want... money now. Me sick." Ooh, he card reads good.

Here's our room. Homer, you're supposed to slide those doors open. I don't have time for that. Welcome. I am honored to accept your waste.

To find Flanders, I just have to think like Flanders. I'm a big, four-eyed lame-o, and I wear the same stupid sweater every day, and-- The Springfield River!

Um, I never thought I'd say this, but shouldn't we be learning something? Say the line, Bart. I didn't do it. Yea!

Don't worry. I'm wearing my lucky rabbit's head. Mr. Honey Bunny! You inhuman monster! You want a piece of me? Stop it! Stop it! Conserve your precious hatred for the game.

O Canada Order. Order. Do you kids want to be like the real U.N.,

Attention. This is Principal Skinner, your principal, with a message from the principal's office. All students please proceed immediately to an assembly... in the Butthead Memorial Auditorium. Damn it, I wish we hadn't let the students name that one. Children, the times they are a-becoming quite different.

But it's me, Moe, wearing a sailor suit.

(GROANS) You work on Christmas or you're out of a job! Is that clear, Cratchett? Sir, I'm over here. Woo-hoo. Sorry, pardon me, ma'am. I see you're expecting. May I listen to the baby's heartbeat? (SCREAMING)

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Can I help you? Potato man. Where the hell have you been?

Stroke, stroke, stroke. I'm rowing as fast as I can, sir. No-- I'm having one. Remember what I told you about running away from your troubles?

Lisa is a nut. She has a rubber butt. Every time she turns around, it goes putt putt. Indeed. But that rubber butt doesn't have much time for turning around these days.

Here is an ordinary square. Whoa! Whoa! Slow down, egghead.

This is the happiest day of my life-- Hi-yi-ya! Got it! No shock for me! Oh, yeah? Whoa!

Excellent. With McBain out of the way, nothing can stop us ! Any more new business ? Only your death. McBain ! Ah !

"Do You Want Lies With That'?" f Horns Honking f Does it bother you... that Krusty uses "mad cow" beef to save money? No. Because they pass the savings on to me, the consumer.

Everything lasts forever.

This is an absence slip signed by Nelson's mother and this is Nelson's English homework. Notice the identical elongated loops on the D's. Forgery! So he didn't have leprosy.

So, Mr. Simpson, you admit you grabbed her can. What do you have to say in your defense? Mr. Simpson, your silence will only incriminate you further. No, Mr. Simpson. Don't take your anger out on me. Get back! Get back! M-Mr. Simpson, no!

I was wondering if you'd be interested in performing at a private party. Sorry, mate. I don't do private parties. Well, then, perhaps you should look in this suitcase. All right, but I don't see-- Pleasant dreams, Mr. Jones.

Hey, stop that! You'll never silence me! I'm the last angry man, Patterson-- a crusader for the little guy! Leave the bird alone! Never! Look, Simpson. I've been elected... by the voters of this city 16 years in a row, so they must think I'm doing a damn good job. You want to know what I think? No.

Odysseus, do not forget to thank the gods for our victory... with an appropriate animal sacrifice. Forget it! Sacrificing animals is barbaric. Now have the slaves kill the wounded.

Sheesh. Look at these refugees. How about a smile? They've undergone terrible hardships. Well, moping won't make it better.

So, let's review: You two screwballs have just strolled in here fresh from the sewer... and given me a bunch of bulldink about creating Itchy-- with no proof at all-- and you expect me to give you... how much?

Barney will be Twelve Ball, and, Moe, you can be Cue Ball. You're an idiot. So, wedding, huh? No, we're forming a vigilante group. Come with me. See, it's a miniature version of the A-bomb. The government built it in the '50s to drop on beatniks.

Grazed a cone. Minus five points. Being a jerk. Minus a million points! D'oh! One more wrong answer, and Homer flunks another of life's little tests. And what's this? Oh. Someone didn't fill in a circle all the way. Oh! Oh. Oh, boy.

Hi, kids! Only one week left to sign up for the bestest summer ever at Kamp Krusty! Whoa! Hey! Kamp Krusty is built on an actual Indian burial ground.

Dad, that information is all wrong! Maggie's a baby, not my best friend. You dont know anything about me.

Hmm... mmm! Mmm... not bad. Nice hot mustard, good bread, turkey's a little dry-- The turkey's a little dry?! Oh, foul the cursed thing! What demon from the depths of hell created thee?

and I'm horrified to find he's a nerd. I'm laughing already. It's not a comedy. Oh. Attention! This is the Coast Guard. A 50-foot tidal wave is heading this way. All game shows off the beach! Everybody up here to my square.

Ladies and gentlemen, nothing brings out the stars... like the maiden voyage of a monorail.

This film will self-destruct... if not properly stored.

Sprungfeld must have taken it with him when he ran off after the fight. Exactly. This celebration is a sham.

Oh. It's heavenly. Why do birds suddenly appear over there over here Why is it playing over again? Who cares? No one could ever get sick of this song. Suddenly appear

Ambassador Henry Mwabwetumba of the Ivory Coast writes: "What is the real deal with Mr. Burns's assistant, Smithers? You know what I'm talking about." Of course we do. The preparations for your birthday have begun. I won't get what I really want. No one does.

you'd better think long and hard before trying something like this on Homer Simpson again !

Oh, crikey! You gave me a smash on the noggin last year. Not in my parlor, you don't. Aah! Me eyes! I'm scalded, I am!

Bart, what's wrong with you?

Ew! Get outta my car. This isn't my house.

Hey, Homer! The section you're supposed to be monitoring is on fire! Clowns are funny.

You promised Mom you wouldn't wear your dress outside. Nuts to that. I'm goin' to the movies. Shouldn't you be working? I got someone to cover for me.

Mr. Sandman Bring me a dream Make him the cutest that I've ever seen Give him a lonely heart like Pagliacci Check it out, Fat Tony. Those jokers think they're the Cowsills.

What are you gonna spend your money on, kids? There's a special on tacos down at the Taco Mat-- hundred tacos for $100-- I'm gonna get that. I'm gonna contribute my money to the Corporation for Public Broadcasting. Tacos? Public broadcasting? I won't have you kids throwing away your money like that. You're both coming downtown with me, and you're gonna put that money in the bank.

Sometimes I think God is teasing me. just like he teased Moses in the desert.

We have some new pamphlets available in our church news rack, including Bible Bafflers, Satan's Boners, Good Grief !, More Satan's Boners...

Oh, I missed the feeding frenzy. I hope you're happy. Obviously, yes.

And now for my final thought. Nobody wins when parents put their petty squabbles above the welfare of a child. Let's hope they put their differences aside and do what's best for Maggie. Ow! What the-- Get the-- baby off. Son of a--

Oh, de, doo, doo Saving those babies And the soft spots on their head Doo, doo, doo, doo, doo Problem: a pointy deity.

Hey, what are you laughin' at? What? Oh. Oh, I get it. I get it. It's my big ears, isn't it, kids? Isn't it? Well, children, I can't help that.

He's right. We've been wasting our lives. The hell with cartoons. I'm gonna do what i've always dreamed of. I'm gonna write that sitcom about the sassy robot. Here, kids. I guess you deserve this. Let's go. I guess nobody likes the truth, huh, Grampa? Nope. I'll never watch an awards show again.

A&M is gonna kick your ivy-covered butts. Yeah? Well, you went to a cow college. Oh, you're only calling us a cow college 'cause we were founded by a cow.

Let me give you the grand tour. This is one of our many light switches. It functions in both the on and off mode. On, off. On, off. He knows how to work a light switch. Oh, yeah, right. I don't know what this switch does. This is really good, Marge.

while a slimmer man would have fallen to his death. And I think it's ironic that, for once, Dad's butt... prevented the release of toxic gas-- Bart! We'll have you out of there as soon as our tech boys get you decontaminated. Thank you, Mr. Burns. It was pretty scary up there, but--

Ah, my crÊpes are done. The Doggie Doorman. Good evening, Rex. And Mobilier-- the chandelier for your car. Whoa! All on I Can't Believe They Invented It!

Hmm? No, thanks.

My father was the most respected man in the lower East Side of Springfield. People would come from miles around to ask his advice.

You're too young for that machine gun but I'm giving you something that will make sure when you're old enough you can still buy one... a membership in the National Rifle Association. Wow! The N.R.A.! Can I get armor-piercing, cyanide-tipped bullets? It's in the Constitution.

Skinner! Uh-- Superintendent Chalmers! The whole town's in an uproar about your sleazy shenanigans! Now, I'm going to give you a choice. You can give up this tawdry, fulfilling relationship, or you two will be out of here so fast your mortarboards will spin!

All right! Yes, that's very healthy, Ned. And if you really tick me off, I'm gonna run you down with my car. Yeah, uh-- Um-- Oh! Oh! Ned, you're so crazy.

All right! Bologna and cheese! What do you got, Bart?

I split my pants again. Ooh! Can I have two sandwiches? I got a test today... I can't eat those... One a time! One at time! Double bologna! No pimentos! Don't forget to make it... Mom, where's my..? That's enough!

Look at those two inseparable chums, Smithers. That's exactly the teamwork we'd like to showcase at this year's energy convention. Are you sure, sir? Well, no one else seems to share the same spirit of camaraderie.

You can't take my Emmy. You know the rules: awards for entertainment are contraband. No Emmys, no Oscars, not even a Golden Globe.

You know how bashful I am. I can't even say the word "titmouse"... without giggling like a schoolgirl.

I want you to do for me what Spielberg did for Oskar Schindler. Schindler es bueno. SeÑor Burns es el diablo. Listen, Spielbergo, Schindler and I are like peas in a pod. We're both factory owners. We both made shells for the Nazis. But mine worked, damn it! Now, go out there and win me that festival!

Now, a brilliant jazz musician who's inspired me to do some improv poetry. Twinkle, twinkle, groovy cat. How I wonder where you at. I really love the way you cook. just like me when I wrote this book. How to Make Love to Steve Allen, from the author of Happiness is a Naked Steve Allen, journey to the Center of Steve Allen,

Four out of five, Simpson. Impressive. But you missed your last target. Did I? Ha-ha!

Watch out for the Shaq attack. Ow! I told you to watch out.

We're two hours and 45 minutes through the pregame show. Our guest is Troy McClure whose new sitcom premiers tonight right after the game! Thanks, Bret. My new show's called Handle With Care. I play jack Handle, a retired cop who shares an apartment with a retired criminal. The original odd couple.

But I learned long ago, Lisa, to tolerate others rather than forcing my beliefs on them. You know, you can influence people without badgering them always.

Bart ! Stop Fighting with your sister ! She took my glue ! Uh ! It's not yours, Bart ! This is family glue ! Stop it, you two ! This is Thanksgiving ! So glue friendly, or I'll take your glue away... and then no one will have any glue to glue with !

now I know my abc's won't you come and play with me? Flawless. We also would've accepted "Tell me what you think of me." Well, I guess you're free to-- Give him the Breathalyzer! Huh? You're under arrest. D'oh!

Leaves of Grass my ass!

With this hook and this hunk of chocolate, I'll land your boy and I'll clean him for free. Although we can't reach the boy we can freeze him with liquid nitrogen so that future generations can rescue him.

What you need is a good, long rest. I suggest Florida. Florida? But that's America's wang. They prefer The Sunshine State.

Well, Bart, what do you think of little Lisa?

Come, stranger. join our circle of infamy. Tell us your story of ennui.

You can't kill Saddam! He's half my act!

Stop it! Stop it, stop it!

All I can give you are these chewable Prozac for kids. Your choice-- Manic-depressive Mouse or the Bluebird of Unhappiness. Superintendent Chalmers, I'd like you to meet... our new school nurse, Lunch Lady Doris. Yeah, nice to see you. Seymour, why is that student lying unconscious on the floor? Well, in many cases, the floor is the best--

Here you go, boy. Soup's on. Whoa! Hmm? Hmm? Hmm? Hey, if you're out here, then who's in there? Whoa, a badger!

Will Milhouse and I be friends till we're toothless old men with hair in our ears? Will Milhouse and I be friends when we're high school dropouts living off Uncle Sucker? Will Milhouse and I be friends at the end of the day?

1796. A fiercely determined band of pioneers leaves Maryland... after misinterpreting a passage in the Bible. Their destination: New Sodom.

Oh, Maggie, you're a Simpson again.

Care to join me in a belt of scotch? It's 9:30 in the morning. Yeah, but I haven't slept in days. Last chance. Oh, yeah.

I'm a sexual predator. Oh. Now, how may I best dispense with you today?

Boating accident.

Oh, hey, hey. Maybe some things are too good to be kept a secret. I guess so. Compliments of the house-- One Flaming... Homer. Aw, thanks, Moe. You're the greatest friend a guy could ever have.

Join the navy Join the navy Join the navy

Five days? But I'm mad now! I'd kill you if I had my gun! Yeah, well, you don't. Lousy big shot. Thinks he's so big 'cause he's got a lot of guns. If he didn't have any guns, I'd show him a thing or two. What happens when he walks into my store?

like linseed oil or Dr. Shumway's--

established in 1883. The newspaper was founded by johnny Newspaperseed, a 14-year-old boy who roamed America founding newspapers. If he's so smart, how come he's dead? Over the years, the Shopper merged... with the Springfield Times, Post, Globe, Herald, jewish News and Hot Sex Weekly...

Oh, Lisa, you and your stories. "Bart is a vampire." "Beer kills brain cells." Now, let's go back to that... building thingy... where our beds and TV... is.

I'm at the wrong school! En Français.

Oh, wow! Hey, look! Is that Dad? Either that, or Batman's really let himself go.

Dad, what a nice surprise. Get that away from me. Kids, I don't want you drinking any more milk... ever. Can I still drink it? Go nuts. All right!

Disco Stu likes disco music.

Buddhism teaches that suffering is caused by desire. Richard Gere?

I am not a clumsy Clouseau-esque waiter! I will-- Whoa! Whoo! Whoo! Ooh! Ow! Ow! Ow! At least there were no big ones. Ay.

ow, ooh. ow, ooh. Ow, ooh.

Oh, I'd love to. But to be honest, modern medicine has a lousy record of treating the back. We spend too much time on the front. Yeah, there's some neat stuff on the front.

You call this writing? If I puked in a fountain pen and mailed it to the monkey house, I'd get better scripts. But, sir, at Harvard-- Oh, at Harvard they taught you? Hit the streets, egghead! You should've majored in not getting fired.

You're watching PBS. You're watching PBS?

Burns would can my butt in no time flat. Ooh ! A thousand bucks. So what ? To Mr. Burns, that's one less ivory back scratcher. Besides, you pay money into the insurance fund every week. What do you ever get out of it ? Nothing. Well, that newsletter. Exactly. Why should you get nothin' while some guy who loses a finger hits the jackpot ? You got me !

Excuse me. Oh, my eyes are burning. Oh, little chipmunk friend, I'm allergic to everything.

those daffy laughy clowns send in those soulful and doleful schmaltz-by-the-bowlful clowns

Spare my life and I will grant you three wi-- Knife goes in, guts come out. Yippee! Time for the company loyalty song. Knife goes in guts come out that's what osaka seafood concern is all about Well, this sucks. What else is on?

"Would Jesus microwave a burrito so hot... that he himself could not eat it?" Well, sir, of course he could. But then again-- Wow, as melon scratchers go, that's a honey doodle. Now you know what I've been going through.

I love this book, Marge. Very psychological. Dr. Marvin Monroe? I haven't seen you in years! Oh, I've been very sick.

I'll be back in a jiffy! - That's not my mother. - I'll be back in a jiffy! Can I come too? Oh.

I want that oil well. I've got a monopoly to maintain. I own the electric company and the waterworks, plus the hotel on Baltic Avenue. That hotel's a dump, and your monopoly's pathetic. The school's oil well is not for sale, particularly to a black-hearted scoundrel like yourself. I see. Then I'll just have to... attack you!

Sure. In fact, I invented the whole concept of cartoon violence. Before I came along, all cartoon animals did was play the ukulele. I changed all that.

Dear Mr. President, there are too many states nowadays. Please eliminate three. I am not a crackpot.

Wait! Don't be fooled. She's just a regular Malibu Stacy with a stupid, cheap hat. She still embodies all the awful stereotypes she did before. But she's got a new hat. I want it. I want it. I want it.

I gave him a couple of blintzes to paint my fence, but he never did it! Those blintzes were terrible. Paint my fence! Make me.

on the orange side, and turn it. My main finger? You gotta start backwards! - Alternate corners. - One at a time! Spin the middle side topwise. Topwise! Now I remember why I put this down here in the first place!

I can't get drunk and vomit next to a guy I don't respect. (SOBBING) Even my best friends have left me. I'm all alone!

He's Flanders and he's really, really lame Flanders tried to wreck my song His views on birth control are wrong I hate his guts and Flanders is his name

and instead they're home watching a cat and mouse disembowel each other. Hey, don't worry, Marge. Pretty soon, every boy and girl in Springfield Elementary School is gonna come see this thing. Really ? Why ? They're forcing 'em ! Oh.

Hey, Homer, here's a bloopie for you. I've got it. It's in the bag. Oh! Mm-mmm.

This is my wife, Marge. Hello.

You don't understand anything! (GRUNTING) You're such a psycho! Mama's boy! Future skank! Family guy!

I needed a new heel for my shoe, so I decided to go to Morganville, which is what they called Shelbyville in those days. So I tied an onion to my belt, which was the style at the time.

Lance Uppercut.

Now, I know I haven't been the best Christian. In fact, when you're up there "blah, blah, blah-ing," I'm usually doodling or mentally undressing the female parishioners. Well, anyhoo, can I have $40,000?

Mom, that's veal. Oh. You're sure she'll have fun here? Oh, of course. Babies love the ball room.

Oh, yeah? Prove it! That's your license plate, isn't it? Uh-- All right! just go ahead and sue me! Everybody else does! The average settlement is $68,000.

Well, you know, boys a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman--

And there weren't any jewish cowboys.

Mono-- D'oh! Hymns here! I got hymns here! Get 'em while they're holy! Fresh from God's brain to your mouth! And now please rise for our opening hymn,

Aaah! Quick! Into the river. Hippos hate water. No, they don't. They-- Aaah!

"Friday's worse." Then he said, "How about Saturday?" I said,

Okay. Wait a minute. Are you humoring me?

Once I built a railroad Made it run Made it race against time Once I built a railroad Now it's done Brother

Oyster shells! Hand painted to resemble Lucille Ball! You'll love Oyster Lucy! Oh, Mr. Mooney, I just gotta meet Bob Cummings! Viv!

- There you go. - Get him up there. Go! Go! Go! We're number one! - Give me a "P"! - "P"!

Auditions will be tomorrow at my estate. And now, our feature presentation. Oh, for-- Oh, very well. Let's all go to the lobby Let's all go to the lobby Let's all go to the lobby Get ourselves some snacks

That's my boy. Mmm, beer. What? Look, Dad, I don't need school. I'll make my way as a bootblack. Shine your boots, guv'nor? No son of mine is gonna be a 19th-century cockney bootblack. We're gonna find you another school.

Look at all the wonderful things you have, Mr. Burns: King Arthur's Excalibur; the only existing nude photo of Mark Twain; and that rare first draft of the Constitution with the word "suckers" in it. Yes, yes, yes. So what? You want your bear, Bobo, don't you? Liar! I'll give you the thrashing of a lifetime!

Uh, Homer, there's a hidden message to this song... that you may have missed. Really listen. Bunk with me tonight Uh-huh.

Now they'll never save your brain, Hitler. Little help?

Worst parents ever! Ha-ha!

Homer, that's a terrible thing to say. - Oh, shut up. - Yes, sir.

That was a nice film I had once. Last time I try to impress a four-year-old. Well, see ya, kid. You can't just go back to the gutter. You created Itchy. You should be a millionaire. Ah, Roger Myers wouldn't give me a cent in the '20s.

Ooh, that's bad. But it comes with a free frogurt. That's good. The frogurt is also cursed. That's bad. But you get your choice of topping. That's good! The toppings contain potassium benzoate. That's bad. Can I go now?

We're big in Bulgaria, and the other Garia. Hungaria?

Yea, Bart! Yea! Look at me! I'm the prime minister of Ireland! Hey, Homer, ain't that your kid on TV?

D'oh! I mean, hey.

Tappa-tappa-tappa.

Baby, take my hand Shh! Cobras!

I want all of youse to say hello to the Simpsons. Hello! Has the whole world gone insane? Stand still! There's a spark in your hair! Get it! Get it! Get it! Hot stuff comin' through. Dad, why did you bring me to a gay steel mill?

I did it! I supercharged my riding mower! Oh, no! I've killed Wilson! Looks like it's back to jail for me.

I'm glad you're okay, Bart.

and most of all, I need you to love me, because I love you. But how do I know I can trust you? Marge, look at me. We've been separated for a day, and I'm as dirty as a Frenchman.

What the-- That's terrible!

Then I'm gonna quit drinkin'! No, I mean it. You won't see me here again, ever! Wait. That ain't funny. He's my best customer.

Uh, I sleep in a racing car. Do you? I sleep in a big bed with my wife.

In your face, everybody!

"Worse still, that treacherous skunk, Abe Simpson, stole my oxygen and tried to eat my left arm." ew, Dad! "Tell my beloved wife my last thoughts were of her... "blinding and torturing Abe Simpson. Cheerio."

Thanks, Stampy. Ow! Ah, I'm alive! I'm alive! And I owe it all to this feisty feline.

Why didn't I think of that? Hammocks! Homer, there's four places. There's the Hammock Hut. That's on Third. Uh-huh. There's Hammocks-R-Us. That's on Third too. - You got Put-Your-Butt-There. - Mm-hmm. - That's on Third. Swing Low, Sweet Chariot. - Right. Matter of fact, they're all in the same complex. It's the hammock complex on Third. Oh, the hammock district. That's right.

(GASPING) See ya in hell, fat man!

Looks like this is the end. That's all right. I couldn't have led a richer life. After the meltdown, expect roving bands-- I don't like this program. Change the channel. ...traffic for hours.

I'm telling you Flanders' store was dee-serted. What do you think of your bestest buddy now? Dad, do you know what "schadenfreude" is? No, I do not know what "schadenfreude" is. Please tell me because I'm dying to know.

It's your heart. And I think it's on its last thump. Whew! I was afraid it was my transmission. Hey, where's he goin'? Billy, remember that old Plymouth we just couldn't fix? We're gonna sell him to Mr. Nikapopolus? You're a dull boy, Billy.

(SIGHS) I'm looking up your nose, but I feel like I'm staring into your soul.

Man fall down. Funny.

Bart ! Bart ! Bart ! Bart ! Bart ! Bart ! You'll never go broke appealing to the lowest common denominator. - You're gonna miss your brother's antics. - When ?

I never noticed this office before. Why should you? It's mine. Uh, you have any sugar around here? Sugar? Sure. Here you go. Sorry it's not in packages. - Want some cream? - Uh, no.

- you have to mow my lawn ! - You're on. And do a decent job of it for a change ! Better yet, you have to mow my lawn in your wife's Sunday dress ! You have yourself a bet, you... jackaninny !

i know you and your wife and every part of you Son, you wait here while Daddy tries to talk some sense into this raving derelict. Ah, what the hell do you want-- You still owe me $50--

Guaranteed to rock the boat Machine-gun rap and locomote Get dancin', dancin', dance Come on, baby. Come out there and dance to your song. Turn yourself on! Over Hollywood-- America needs you! We need you to go dance! We need you to get together and boogie-woogie-woogie-boogie!

Oh, there he is. No! It couldn't be! Phew! Thanks for holding my book while I tied my shoe.

Set a course for Hidden Pirate Island, a.k.a. Hong Kong. Aye, aye, Captain. Help! Pirates! Navy SEALs are on the way.

It looks as if you girls have been getting along all right, but it's a darn good thing we found you when we did. There's something horrible roaming these woods. There is ? Why, that's my husband !

Ah, they remembered my birthday. Come on, come on, come on, come on. Start, damn you! Start! Happy birthday to me happy birthday to me

Ah, crap! It's a girl's car! I can't drive this! Oh, sure, you can, doll face. Pretty thing like you can do whatever she wants. Shut up! Screw you guys!

Where'd you get all the money? The government. I didn't earn it. I don't need it. But if they miss one payment, I'll raise hell!

I said make way for Willie, ya bloated gasbag!

ts a dangerous life being a hall monitor. When you leave home in the morning... you may be kissing your dolls good-bye for the last time. My sash says "Ultraman." I think weve seen enough.

How was jerk practice, boy? Did they teach you how to sing to trees... and build crappy furniture out of useless wooden logs? Huh? D'oh! Stupid poetic justice!

Who's out there? Give me your names so I can tell the police. Seymour, what's going on? What's that odor? Go back to bed, Mother. I've got it under control. Listen, you crumb-bums. If you think I'm impressed, I am not. I--

You owe me... $22,000. I'll Kwanzaa you! Homer, don't be so hard on little-- What is his name?

Murder? Well, mistakes have been made. Monty, I've heard you're a pretty flatulent guy. Any comment on that? Well, now, see here. Stop that. Attention, wireless listeners. Most of the sounds you are now hearing are not being made by me. Oh, stop! Stop! Won't someone please stop the farting? Aah!

Here's a Danish, Krusty. Gimme, gimme, gimme! Now, that's Danish. Where'd you get it? I stole it from Kent Brockman. Great! Uh, he didn't touch it, did he? No. Good job, kid. What's your name? I'm Bart Simpson. I saved you from jail.

I second that motion... with a vengeance! All in favor, say "Die."

I can't see, you idiot! Take your hands off my eyes! Whoa! Whoa! Ooh! Ahh!

he's the man whose name you'd love to touch but you mustn't touCh his name sounds good in your ear

Have a salmon puff. All right.

Guest director, Oliver Stone. Oh, God! Get his gun! The itChy and scraTchy show "Hundreds would die, but not the thing they died for.

Remember, it's Bi-Mon-Sci-Fi-Con.

Who's gonna clean up all those jets? There goes the clothesline. Well, those ivory-tower eggheads have screwed us again. Let's just have some milk and go to bed. Hey. This milk's broken.

How can I prove we're live? Penis. Now here's the candidate. Krusty is an insensitive bore unfit for public office.

Shoelace-- NO-O-O-o !

Now you can laugh yourself to sleep. If you should die before you wake-- Can't sleep. Clown'll eat me.

Attention, Marge Simpson. Your son has been arrested. I'd be terribly embarrassed if I were that boy's mother. Attention, Marge Simpson. We've also arrested your older, balder, fatter son.

(SPEAKING ALBANIAN)

Why are we stopping at my school, Mother? What does it say on that sign? I don't like your tone! Surprise! Happy anniversary, Son. Oh, Mother. You are still the master of deception.

Wait, Homer. If that bar holds, we just might make it back to Earth.

You're selling what now? I'm selling only the concept of karmic realignment. You can't sell that! Karma can only be portioned out by the cosmos. He's got me there.

Unlikely, sir. They-- They spell and pronounce their name differently.

Yummy, yummy, yummy I got love iN my tummy and I feel like lovin' you love is such A sweet thing good enough to eat thing Sorry, but the punishment stands.

Merry Christmas and a happy New Year.

Oh, my eyes are burning. Oh, little chipmunk friend, I'm allergic to everything.

The Krusty the Klown Story: Booze, Drugs, Guns, Lies, Blackmail and Laughter. Starring Fyvush Finkel as Krusty the Clown. i went through a five-year orgy of nonstop pills and booze,

Glove slap, baby A glove slap, baby Glove slap Baby, glove slap Glove slap i don't take crap Glove slap shut your big yap

We can't allow you to destroy these beautiful trees, which have the same rights you have.

- Oh, geez. - My car! Puma Pride! Puma Pride! Catch the fever, Skinner!

Wait, wait, wait, wait! Don't go! Oh, no, not today.

Boohoo! You're breakin' my heart. Homie, I think the baby's coming. Wow. A baby and a free burger. Could this be the best day of my life? Coming up next, an hour-long episode of Mama's Family. Yes!

Hmm ? Oh, no, boys. Not the can, please. Doh !

Whatever little money you have will be just fine.

You know, I went to the McDonald's in, uh, Shelbyville on Friday night. The Mc-what? Uh, McDonald's restaurant.

For the love of God, sir! There are two seats! I like to put my feet up.

Aw! You suck, Marge. Come on! Move it, you clowns! What in blazes?

As you know, it's been my lifelong dream to become a blackjack dealer. Your lifelong dream was to be a contestant on The Gong Show. And you did it in 1977. Remember?

Everybody wanted a piece of us. They told us what to wear, how to dress, which clothes we should put on. The cops found me driving on the sidewalk. I had no business hosting the Oscars. After the show, Meryl Streep spit on me.

The Catholic Church-- we've made a few changes.

Now, Mr. Rude, I just want you to know I'm a good sport. If you want to make fun of my legendary love of cashews-- you have at it. Uh-huh. All right. Uh, how many times a day do you go to the can? Oh, about 40, I suppose. When are we going on the air? We're on the air now, Skeletor. What?

Grampa! I don't mind when you spit at home. But I have to work with these people. Oh, jabber jacks! Schoolhouse don't put out spittoons, I ain't responsible. All right, seniors, we'd all love to share in your wisdom, experience, yadda, yadda, yadda.

A Quarter Pounder with cheese. Quarter Pounder with cheese? Well, I can picture the cheese, but, uh-- Do they have Krusty partially gelatinated nondairy gum-based beverages? Mm-hmm. They call 'em shakes. "Shakes." You don't know what you're gettin'. Well, I know what I'm gettin'-- some doughnuts.

'Fraid old Zeke, he rides up here with me. Can't trust a pig with watermelons, you know.

Look, we might have cocktails, say, where all the guests are male. Are you trying to tell me that you guys are those guys that like guys? That's right, Homer. We're gay. You are? Hmm. Which will win out? My old-fashioned prejudices or the fact that I’ve already mixed my laundry with yours?

You know, I went to the McDonald's in, uh, Shelbyville on Friday night. The Mc-what? Uh, McDonald's restaurant. I-- I never heard of it either, but, uh, they have over 2,000 locations in this state alone. Must have sprung up overnight.

Fairly warned be thee, says I.

Free ride. Free ride. Free ride.

Oh, it was a fine machine... with a vulcanized rubber listening tube... which you crammed in your ear. The tube would go in easier with Some sort of lubricant... like linseed oil or Dr. Shumway's-- Shh! I'm sorry.

And that key he tied to the end of a kite? It opened the gates of hell! Well, let me know when you get back to horror. Will do.

Krusty looks fat. He's really having trouble keeping his balance. He's still funny, but not ha-ha funny. That's not Krusty the Clown! What do you think? I slapped a clown suit on some wino? I mean, I-- Yeah, Bart. I am so Krunchy the Clown!

Well, you're certainly doing your job today, Mr. Sun. Oh, rats.

Somebody check the men's room for a huge ass. I'm Hugh jazz. Telephone. This is Hugh jazz. Uh... hi. Who's this? Bart Simpson. What can I do for you? This is a crank call that backfired and I'd like to bail out right now. Better luck next time. Hmm, what a nice young man.

Shut up, you little monsters! Hello, I was wondering if you'd like to babysit my little angels. Sorry, this isn't Abbie. This is her sister. I look after her now. No, Bart, put it down. Put it down, Bart. Bart, put it down.

All right, who's Jimbo Jones? - I am. - You just made your second mistake, buddy boy! Please, dude, don't hurt me. Oh, man. That's your outlaw? I wasn't really gonna kill ya. I was just gonna cut ya.

(ANNOUNCER READS) Fifty-two jokers playing the game of their lives. I don't wanna be a three! I wanna be a seven! Shut up, kid. You're as crazy as an eight, I'm telling you. ANNOUNCER: With Eddie Murphy as the Jack of Clubs. You don't understand, Officer. I thought that king was a queen.

Look, John, you seem like a perfectly nice guy and all. just stay the hell away from my family! Well, now you don't get any candy. No, that's cruel. Take a teensy piece. No. Homer, what have you got against gays?

Lisa, knock off that racket! But, Dad, I'm supposed to practice an hour a day. I'll practice you! You'll practice me? What does that mean? Is it supposed to be some sort of threat? Bart, make her stop. Hmm.

I can hear you walking by-- It stinks! It stinks! It stinks! Yes, Mr. Sherman. Everything stinks.

Uh-oh. Here, boy. Okay, okay, okay, okay.

If I didn't have this gun, the king of England... could just walk in here anytime he wants and start shoving you around. Do you want that? Huh? - Do you? - No.

Dad, it's in there again! No! It's stuck on my hand!

Superintendent, I was just-- uh, just stretching my calves on the windowsill. Isometric exercise. Care to join me? Why is there smoke coming out of your oven, Seymour? Uh-- Oh. That isn't smoke. It's steam. Steam from the steamed clams we're having. Mmm. Steamed clams. Whew.

Dad, Mr. Burns cut our power! Now, I can't print my paper! These batteries have to power everything in our house! Yo, I'll tell you what I want what I really, really want What I want, what I want I'll tell you what I want I want... (TAPE SLOWS DOWN AND STOPS) That was totally worth it.

Children, I don't know what you did to all those substitutes, but it's going to stop now! Leopold. All right. You listen up, you little freaks! The fun stops here. You're gonna shut your stinkin' traps and behave, damn it! This is one substitute you're not gonna screw with!

D'oh! A deer! A female deer.

Um, Mrs. Krabappel, I'd like to stay, but this uniform carries certain responsibilities. Hey, look. Sergeant Dork! Ha-ha! Enjoy your test. Ha-ha-- Aw.

When you're alone the words of your story Will echo down the rest home hall 'Cause no one at all Can stand the sound of Grampa I first took a fancy to Mrs. Bouvier...

Oh, that's better. I could whack my own mother now. I'm glad you brought that up. Kill my mother? She makes such good pasta sauce. - It comes from a can. - She's a corpse.

I was ashamed, Marge. I failed you as a husband and a provider. And at best I was a B-plus dog. I'll understand if you want to sleep on the couch tonight.

You did it, Dad! You can't prove I did it.

Why, Marge, look at all those flies buzzing around your head. You're a mess, woman.

Mr. Groening, will you autograph my Bender doll? Sure. I'm happy to give anyone my autograph anytime or anywhere. On the street, in a store or on my private property. But why be happy with just an autograph? What about an original sketch or snippet of my hair? And don't forget to pull my beard. They say it's good luck.

Tito Puente! He's ready to give up the drudgery of the professional mambo circuit... and settle into a nice teaching job. Man, it will be my pleasure. Lisa has told me all your students are as bright and dedicated to jazz as she is.

First, patch the cracks in the slab using a latex patching compound and a patching trowel. Hand me my patching trowel, boy. Hmm. Now, do you have extruded polyvinyl foam insulation? No. Good. Assemble the aluminum j-channel using self-furring screws. Install. What do I do in case--

Oh, no. Krusty! My pacemaker. It's stuck on "hummingbird." Nectar. Nectar. I need to drink my way to nectar. Krusty!

You've seen the movie. Now meet a real-life Noah. Only this Noah has been accused of killing two of every animal. Coming up next on A.M. Springfield. Oh, my goodness. That was a long movie. It's time for school. Let's go! Let's go!

Excuse me. Yes?

Get up, "Liser." President Kennedy! That's right, "Liser." Academics are important. But you must also train your body with vigor. That's why I created the President's Council on Physical Fitness. Er, ah, yes. I can't argue with the man who wrote Profiles in Courage.

What do those women expect? When you sign a contract with Fox, you know you're gonna be betrayed and humiliated.

Workin' 9 to 5 what A way to make A livin' ...and when ye tallow hardens, we remove it from yon mold. What a crappy candle. You've ruined our vacation.

That's right. I shot J.R. Except for huge gaps in the western states Hands Across America was a complete success. Hands across America... Well, I never thought I'd see it.

You're my best friend. You're my best friend. You're my best friend.

I got separated from my platoon after we parachuted into DÜsseldorf. So I rode out the war posing as a German cabaret singer.

Coming, Eudora!

Huh? Oh, no. The train!

Why didn't you say so? Get him, boys. The hooligans! Bash his eyes out!

Oh, glayvin! Oh, nice lady android with the true-to-life floivic. Game over.

Hey, Dad. What's the word from planet Crackpot? Oh, I suppose you're going to mock me too. Well, actually, Dad, I believe you. You do? Yes, I do. You seem so damn sure. Thank you, Son. Now, do you think you could stop the casual swearing? Hell, yes! That's my boy. Well, if you believe in me, then I'm not going to give up.

Oh, Marge? I just had a couple of beers.

I caught a head. Oh, dang. It's been scooped out.

Ah, I just threw on an old rerun. No one will know the difference. Huh? Huh? Huh? Eh, children, remain calm. The Falkland Islands have just been invaded. I repeat, the Falklands have just been invaded!

Well, kids, this is where you would watch itchy and scratchy, except they're on the Gabbo Show now. So, here's Eastern Europe's favorite cat and mouse team, Worker and Parasite!

So if you don't want to see crude, lowbrow programming disappear from the airwaves, please, call now.

Stop screaming, Homer. Quit trying to control me.

Oh, Simpson, can't you go five seconds without humiliating yourself? How long was that?

And who can tell me where thunder and lightning come from? Yes, Bart? The Leader, ma'am. Very good, Bart. And who invented Morse code? Oh. I should know this one. The-- The Leader? Ah. Correct again.

David Crosby, you're my hero! Oh, you like my music? You're a musician?

Despite the sweltering heat, don't unroll your windows, 'cause those monkeys seem confused and irritable. Hee-hee-hee! I pity those poor suckers on the freeway. Gas, brake, honk. Gas, brake, honk. Honk, honk, punch. Gas, gas, gas.

Ah, yes. Rusty and dull.

I'm gonna kill you, Homer. You are so dead. Now Chinatown was a classic. But you had problems with the sequel, The Two jakes? Oh, boy. Disappointed? I had the blues like Chasen's had chili. I said to myself, "Evans, you forgot Hollywood rule number one-- kill Homer Simpson."

Good evening. I've been asked to tell you... that the following show is very scary, with stuff that might give your kids nightmares. You see, there are some crybabies out there--

Madam, your children are no more... than a pair of ill-bred troublemakers. Lisa too? Especially Lisa! But especially Bart!

Hey, such a filthy habit. Who asked you? Father? Son. Papa! Herschel! Daddy! Boychick! Oh, Daddy!

- Colder. Ice cold. - Huh ? Do you know where my keys are ? No. I'm talkin' about your breakfast. Did you try the rumpus room ? Rumpus room ? Great idea. Oh, Dad. Huh ? Doh ! Oh, Homer.

Missed one, Dad. See you in hell, dinner plate. Does anyone know where all my dinner plates went?

Yeah, but what about Johnny Mathis versus Diet Pepsi?

I did it. I made it all the way to-- Aw, crap! It just keeps going! I give up. You beat me, mountain!

Spoon. They say he carved it himself from a bigger spoon.

In the, uh, spirit of the occasion, I must tell you what I think.

Ingenious, isn't it, Mr. Bont? Scorpio, you're totally mad. I wouldn't point fingers, you jerk. So, do you expect me to talk? I don't expect anything from you except to die and be a very cheap funeral. You're gonna die now.

One Chorus line of people dancing till they make us stop two Many dancing people covered with blood, gore and glop just one sniff of that fog

Huh? Oh, Lisa, it's terrible. Okay. This dance has gone Titanic. What happened?

or senseless CBS-style violence. So sit back and enjoy a night of worry-free-- What the fudge-- Oh, for Pete's sake! Jiminy Christmas! Darn it!

That's Kabbalah, jerk! (GRUNTING) Stupid kids ruin everything!

Why, you little--

Hey, Marge, why are you with Krusty? These kids are too old for clowns. Actually, Homer, I'm into your lady. Hey, man, she's not my lady anymore. We split up, it's all cool. I... - I'll kill you! - (GAGGING)

would you mind hanging my coat up on the wall, please? Mm-hmm. Um, uh, let's see. Um, uh-- Relax, Homer. At Globex, we don't believe in walls. Matter of fact, I didn't even give you my coat. Hmm?

Stop it! Stop it! Let go of my hand! D'oh! Why couldn't I be on one of the smart rafts?

Hey, I heard there's a lunar eclipse tonight. Maybe we should look up. Nah. For me it's solar or nothin'.

That's okay. I think I'll go somewhere friendlier, like beautiful downtown Grozny. Zoom!

Look who's in my fart-- O.J. I'm gonna kill you all. Aaah. Aaah. Aaah. Cartoon violence! Cartoon violence! Now I'm gonna find the real killers. Kids, that cartoon's not life-affirming.

Hey, kids, while Sideshow Mel mops up, let's see the names of our Krusty birthday pals for today. All right, here comes my name. Wow. Best eight bucks I ever spent.

Whoo! You da man, Carl! I believe you can fly! Boy, I am so sick of everyone assuming I'm good at basketball because I'm African-American! Go, Carl. Go, Carl. It's my birthday. It's my birthday.

Uh, Springfield, my computer shows your T-437 is fully operational. Uh, I suggest you-- Oh, my God! Oh, God, no! Oh, this can't be happening! You're operating without a T-437, Springfield! Oh, sweet mother of mercy! I mean-- I mean, my God!

Crack that whip licorice whip I Said whip it licorice whip

At Kitty Hawk in 1903, Charles Lindbergh flew it 15 miles on a thimbleful of corn oil. Single-handedly won us the Civil War, it did. So, how do you know so much about American history? I pieced it together mostly from sugar packets.

That's weird. The key doesn't fit. Hey, someone's boarded up our windows. Check this out! What's going on? Cooder! What have you done to our house?

Come on, Mom! You never treat yourself to anything. Oh, sure I do. I treated myself to a Sanka not three days ago. But this is a real find. just buy it. You don't have to rationalize everything. Hmm. All right, I will buy it! It'll be good for the economy.

Yes, you ! Baboon, baboon, baboon, baboon ! I don't think you realize what you're saying. Baboon !

One that won't make me crash my car Or make me feel 3 feet thick I want a new drug One that won't hurt my head (MAN COUGHING) All right. Here's your medication.

Uh- You rock, Homer.

and Man vs. Nature-- The Road to Victory.

Ms. Tan, I loved The Joy Luck Club. It really showed me how the mother-daughter bond can triumph over adversity. No. That's not what I meant at all. You couldn't have gotten it more wrong. But-- Please, just sit down. I'm embarrassed for both of us. Mmm.

But when the seeds have been planted, you throw away the envelope.

by eating your shorts. Whoa! Whoa!

Oh. Thank you, shoppie. I-- I ventured in to search for milk when the door snapped shut behind me. Yeah. Those dairy cases are death traps.

I'm 12 years old. I'm with my friends. It's a beautiful summer day at the old swimmin' hole. Oh, my God! Do something, Mesmerino. Uh, yes. Yes. Um--

Either that, or Batman's really let himself go. Alone! I'm alone! I'm a lonely, insignificant speck... on a has-been planet orbited by a cold, indifferent sun!

- Hell, no. - You got it. Ready, Señor Beaveratti? I'm a-ready. And a-one, and a-two... You're the birthday You're the birthday You're the birthday boy or girl...

Well, there's the fat kid with the thing. The little wiener who's always got his hands in his pockets. They want a name, not a vague description. Okay. Hank? Hank? Hank who? Hank... Jones. Homer, you made that up. Question two. "Who is your son's hero?" Steve McQueen. That's your hero.

Well, it was a good ride while it lasted. Come on, kids. Let's go home. We are home. That was fast. You've just got to accept it.

Oh, I'll stay away from your son, all right. Stay away... forever. Oh, no! Wait a minute. That's no good. Wait. I've got a good one now. Marge, say "Stay away from my son" again.

Lisa, before you go, would you like to hear a song? Wow! That'd be great! Okay. Take it, apu. I'm sergeAnt pepper's lonely hearts club man I hope I Will enjoy my show

What's wrong? My whole romantic life is flashing before my eyes.

I know now what I can offer you that no one else can: complete and utter dependence.

Fight and bite and bite Fight, fight, fight Bite, bite, bite You know, some of these stories are pretty good. The itchy & Scratchy Show I never knew mice lived such interesting lives. So much needless brutality. I don't know if I'm having any impact at all.

Are the good people at best western hotels. Bart! Selma! Oh! You tried to kill me. I want a separation. My best-laid plans have gang agley.

Homer, you got a letter. Hmm, it's from the library. Overdue book? This is the biggest frame-up since O.J. Wait a minute. Blood in the Bronco, the cuts on his hands, those Jay Leno monologues. Oh, my God! He did it!

Weren't you a little hard on him? Well, you knew I had a temper when you married me. Ned Flanders is on the phone. Oh, if this is about that stupid quarter again, I... Hello, Ned. Sorry to bother you, Reverend Lovejoy.

Hey. Take that. Take this.

"Don't do what Donny Don't does." They could've made this clearer. Oh! They won't let you have any fun.

Why does a dog have human girlfriends? People do crazy things in ads-- like eat at Arby's.

No thanks to you, Homer. Why, you little-- Now, Homer, please. The boy's just had a very serious operation.

It was the most I ever threw up, and it changed my life forever. You the man, Homer! Thanks, boy. Now for the crowning touch. I don't know, Dad. Don't you have a better picture? Relax. A photo can't make any difference.

We went fishing. Do these sound like the actions of a man... who had "all he could eat"? No! That could've been me! Homer, I've a proposition for ye, fair and true.

Wow, what an ending. Who would have thought Darth Vader was Luke Skywalker's father? Well, thank you, Mr. Blow-The-Picture-For-Me.

Godspeed, little doodle.

These toothy Tarzan-munchers have a rigid hierarchy with a single alpha male ruling the pride.

With the family in disarray, episodes increasingly resorted... to gimmicky premises and nonsensical plots.

About a million girls Heh. Hey. Ooh. Look out.

Then take a tip from Mr. Paul Anka!

Madre de Dios! The legends were true! Whenever a teacher confiscates something it ends up here. Salacious halter tops complete collections of Mad, Cracked and the occasional issue of Crazy and this plastic derriere.

I thought I told you to go to bed. Yeah, right. "Bread." You said, "Go to bread." I said, "Go to bed." Yeah. "Go to bread." B-E-D! Bed! Oh! "Bed"! Oh.

today you can find apples in everything that's good. Apple wine, apple whiskey, apple schnapps, apple martinis, uh, Snapple with vodka in it, apple nail polish remover-- Don't forget applesauce. Yeah. I suppose you could grind some pills into it.

jeremy Irons. Jeremy's... iron. Mm-hmm. Well, that's... very good for a first try. You know what? I have a ball. Perhaps you'd like to bounce it.

So anyway, we brought you this wicked gift basket. Stubble glitter, a crowd Taser. Crowd Taser? Yeah. It's perfect for getting through the fans to your limousine. Ow! Yo! Dudes, we gotta go. Our clothes are getting a little out-of-date. To the Bandana Republic! Word!

Oh, Maggie! You got oatmeal all over. Homie, would you clean her off? Can do! Laddie! Come here, boy! Who wants to lick a messy baby? Laddie?

- Wha-- - Huh? It's Suds McDuff! With a shuttle craft of genuine draft! Whoo-ha! Ooh! A party. Duff. The official beer of NASA--

Mom, Dad! Bart's dead! That's right! Dead serious about going to Itchy and Scratchy Land. You know, Itchy and Scratchy Land isn't just for kids. - They have a place called Parents Island. - Huh?

I'm Michael jackson from the jacksons. I'm Homer Simpson from the Simpsons.

Maggie smells bad, and the cat wants something, but I don't know what. I'm almost done. And tell Bart to get out of my purse.

Forgive an old Brit for crying, but this is the most stirring display of gallantry and sportsmanship... since Mountbatten gave India back to the Punjabs. Put her there, man ! Yeah ! All right !

I shall dance... with her. Ooh! QuÉ malo. Once again, I must sugar my own churro.

And this is for shooting down police helicopters. Oh, I don't need anything like that... yet. just give me my gun. Sorry. The law requires a five-day waiting period. We've got to run a background check. Five days? But I'm mad now! I'd kill you if I had my gun!

Mom, I think you might be developing a gambling problem. Hey, I'm watching you.

Cool costume. It's not a costume. They found me inside a meteor. Excuse me. Where are your hamper lids? Hamper lids? Uh, third floor. Help. I need tungsten to live. Tungsten!

Noooo! Noooo! Noooo!

No, thanks. Send it this way, boy. - Whoops! - Aww. Aw, nothing gets chocolate out. See?

Old MacDonald had a farm E-I-E-I-O And on this farm he had a chick The swingingest chick I know With a wiggle-wiggle here And a wiggle-wiggle there Get off the stage! I want to, but I can't!

What's he doin' with that broom? Uh, what isn't he doing? I heard that guy's ass has its own congressman. Hey! Leave my dad alone. just because he's overweight doesn't mean he's bad. He's a sweet man, and he has real feelings.

But Freddy Quimby's innocent! How do you know? There weren't any witnesses. Oh, yeah. Right. You'd think someone would've seen something at a crowded party like that. Well, they didn't, okay? They didn't! It says so right here in black-and-white, "no witnesses." Case closed. Now, let's all read the funnies.

who rigs every Oscar night

Huh ? Oh ! Assassins ! Oh, a hundred and twenty-five bucks ! Sometimes you gotta spoil yourself. Spoil yourself. Spoil yourself. But I can't afford to-- Simpson, I order you to buy those shoes ! Okay, Flanders. You're the boss.

Anyway, the moral is, the lion was so happy, he gave Hercules... this big... thing of riches. How did a lion get rich ? Oh. It was the olden days !

There's something about flying a kite at night that's so unwholesome. Hello, Mother dear. That's it! We have to get them back to school. I'm with you, Marge. Lisa, get in here! In this house, we obey the laws of thermodynamics!

Mom, you won't believe this, but something you said the other day really got through to me. Mmm! And now, I am going to teach some kids a lesson. I choose to take that literally. Death to Shelbyville! Yes, Bart's a tutor now. Tute on, son! Tute on!

Thanks, Mr. Murphy. My friends call me Bleedin' Gums. Eww. How'd you get a name like that ? Well, let me put it this way. You ever been to the dentist ? - Yeah. - Not me. I suppose I should go to one, but I got enough pain in my life as it is.

We're shutting you down. Not a chance. No one can silence me but me! That arranged can be. Wha--

And when I hear You can't walk to Turkmenistan I say of course I can Screw you Hey, would you guys like tickets to the Independent Film Awards? Would we?

Now, that's a man.

Hurts, don't it? Right. Do you know what a wet willie is?

All right, Simpson. You were warned about teasing the box.

at my apartment-- the Fiesta Terrace. I've been waiting for you. Come in, my captivating one.

Principal Skinner, the school's on fire! Spread, spread, spread! Spread, spread, spread! It's crystal clear who did this-- Jack Crowley! No way. You don't know that Jack did this. Just because he's an ex-con-- Ooh! Crowley's an ex-con?

Quoth the Raven: Eat my shorts. Bart, stop it ! He says "nevermore." And that's all he'll ever say. Okay, okay.

Won't you join our tea party? It would be ever so-- Don't do it, Lisa! It's a trick! Run! Run!

Clowns are funny.

Why, you little-- Uh-oh ! Come back here, you little Raven ! Doh !

Ruff, ruff. I'm Poochie, the rockin' dog. Hi. I'm Troy McClure. You may remember me from such cartoons as... Christmas Ape and Christmas Ape Goes to Summer Camp.

which was the style at the time. Now, to take the ferry cost a nickel. And in those days, nickels had pictures of bumblebees on 'em.

We told you to hold on to the handrail. We asked you not to spit over the side. Howdy, stranger !

Oh, they're newlyweds. They'll just talk things out and top it off with some lovin'.

"Best in the West." It rhymes. "Clown College"? You can't eat that.

Spill it! Where's your brother? You'd better answer him, Lisa. He's a bad man. What are you laughing about? You started off as the bad cop. And now you're the good one. You and Willie got mixed-up about 10 minutes ago.

About last night-- You might have noticed Daddy acting a little strange, and you probably don't understand why. - I understand why. You were wasted. - I admit it. I didn't know when to say when. I'm sorry it happened, and I just hope you didn't lose a lot of respect for me. Dad, I have as much respect for you as I ever did or ever will. Oh !

Hi, Poochie! You look like you've got something to say. - Do you? - Yes, I certainly do. I have to go now. My planet needs me. Wow! Poochie came from another planet?

Mr. Simpson, the tar fumes are making me dizzy!

Hey, this old girl's as sure-footed as a mountain goat.

Step away, foolish amateurs. Just keep back. Keep out of it. The role is mine. With the acting and the groupies and the "Luke, Luke, save me"... with the light saber and the "vwing, vwing, vwing." That's not how you "vwing." We're doomed. Doomed.

This is horrible. The Fox network has sunk to a new low.

Oh, say can you see Back in row Double-Z That the team sucks out loud And you fans are all plowed

Worst episode ever.

Come on. Why won't you go out with Bart? He's a smelly, ugly dork! Please, "ugly" is such a smelly word. Who would you rather go out with? Tommy. Well, duh. He's breathtaking.

Whoo-hoo! jackpot. Wait a minute! Are you over 21? Are you? I'm not authorized to answer that. By the way, your martinis suck!

Hello, this is Bob "What the hell am I doing in Springfield" Hope. Hey, how about that Mayor Quimby? He's some golfer! His golf ball spends more time underwater than Greg Louganis. And now, I wanna show you what you're fighting for, if there was a war on. Little Miss Springfield.

Yes, you ! Baboon, baboon, baboon, baboon ! I don't think you realize what you're saying. Baboon !

I miss Bea. I miss you too. Oh, Abraham, calm down. I'm not here to scare you. They've got me haunting a family in Texas. Oh. Well, I'm glad you're keeping busy.

just my bones... and organs.

So, uh, what are you in for ? I'm a political prisoner. Last time I ever take a stand. Well, I'm here for being me. Every day I show up, act like me, and they slap me in here.

It's Suds McDuff! With a shuttle craft of genuine draft! Whoo-ha! Ooh! A party. Duff. The official beer of NASA-- National Association of the Sellers of Alcohol. Yay!

I need to unwind. I know you do, Marge but you know what our vacations are like-- Those three monsters in the backseat-- "Are we there yet? Are we there yet?" And I'm no day at the beach either. "Marge, can I have another sandwich? Marge, can I have another sandwich?"

Ow ! Quit it. Ow ! Quit it. Ow ! Quit it. Ow ! Quit it. Hey, what's with this ? Ow ! Quit it ! Used to be a real boss tattoo.

Boring! That didn't explain anything. All I know is they stole my face and used it for their stupid logo. - There's no other explanation. - Wait! Look! Mr. Sparkle, a joint venture of Matsumura Fishworks... and Tamaribuchi Heavy Manufacturing Concern.

Oh, why won't anyone believe my crazy story?

Spring break! Spring break! Spring break! Oh, no! We came during spring break! Take 'em off the glass! Take 'em off the glass!

Why, you little-- And after that comes fear. What's after fear ? What's after fear ?

Out of the way, slim. Thanks for your help with the anchor, guys. Guys?

And now, let's give a big Fort Springfield welcome... to Mr. Bob Hope! What's the mayor's name? Quimby. Beautiful. Hello, this is Bob "What the hell am I doing in Springfield" Hope.

Bart, why are you talking like that? Yeah, and who the hell are you talkin' to? Marge, do you have other men in this house? Radioactive men?

But you can thank your lucky stars we don't live in Paraguay.

Let's fire some employees. Excellent.

Arr! Ninety sea chanteys on three compact discs. Blow the man down, mateys blow the man down row, row, row your boat in the navy come on and join your fellow man Act now and get a bonus C.D.

Okay, Homer, I'm ready to learn.

Of course you did. But there's the truth, and the truth!

Football injury. (LAUGHS) Now why don't you just sign the check? Here, use my pen. Forget it. (ROARS)

Bringing in the sheaves

I guarantee! Will you stop saying that?

Bart, the police haven't had any luck finding the teacher's editions. The dogs have picked up the scent of books. Send in the battering ram. Here we go.

Jingle bells jingle bells Bart! Why are you doing that? I don't know. Well, this time you must be punished! Well, you could punish me, but--

Slow, then fast. - Uh-oh. - Dad, please. For the last time, I beg you. Don't lower yourself to the level of the mob. Lisa, maybe if I'm part of that mob, I can help steer it in wise directions.

I have a boyfriend. You won't be needing this.

- Kids can be so cruel. - But it's true.

My child told me you two were having sex in the school janitor's closet.

Great. Oh, uh, and there was something else. Something I was supposed to tiptoe around-- My divorce. That's it! Whoo-hoo!

Bah! This is just another Hallmark holiday cooked up to sell cards. Ohh. A valentine from my granddaughter. Could I have the envelope?

Yes! That's what we wanted you to think!

Too cold and sterile. Where's the heart?

Hot, hot, hot, hot.

Hello. I'm Nichelle Nichols of Star Trek.

Poop. Get ready, everybody. He's about to do something stupid. Well, I'm sorry to disappoint you, gentlemen. But you seem to have me confused with a character in a fictional show.

He says what we're all thinking. I'm not thinking that.

Eww! She's faking it.

Hmm. Fifteen years of loyal service, and this is how they tell me? A jester with an invisible proclamation.

Bart ! You don't even care ! You don't even care ! All right, Bart ! That's it ! Go to your room now ! Okay. I'll take some white meat and stuffing to go,

Poor Selma. You were having... such a lovely evening... And then I went and spoiled it all by doing something stupid like explode you sideshow Bob, I'm afraid the only victims here... Are the good people at best western hotels. Bart!

the Simpsons will keep on gagging for years to come. I can't believe it! We won another contest! The Simpsons are going to Delaware! I want to see Wilmington! I want to visit a screen door factory. This will be the last season.

Sending your chick a valentine, huh? Yep. johnny?

There's nothing between me and Princess Kashmir. Princess who ? Hey, my photo. Your photo ? Uh-oh. Why you little-- Why you big-- Bart, go to your room. I'm out of here.

Hello. I'm proud to announce... that we've been able to increase safety here at the plant... without increasing the cost to the consumer... or affecting management pay raises. However, for you semiskilled workers, there will be no Christmas bonuses. Oh, and one more thing.

You, sir, have the boorish manners of a Yalie!

Is it that horrible living with me? Well, this morning isnt a barrel of laughs. It is to me. Marge, I cant live like this. I'm tired of walking around on eggshells. Maybe if you didnt throw 'em on the floor.

We'd like to dedicate this next number to a very special woman. She's 100 years old, and she weighs over 200 tons. This enormous woman will devour us all! Aaah! I-- I meant the statue.

Boohoo! You're breakin' my heart. Homie, I think the baby's coming. Wow. A baby and a free burger. Could this be the best day of my life? Coming up next, an hour-long episode of Mama's Family. Yes! We'll take good care of your boy, Simpson.

Hammocks! Get your hammocks! The hammock man! I'm glad he's a little early today. The price is $10. But I must warn you, this is no ordinary hammock. lts webbing is a mesh of comfort and evil.

And now, a man you will see is definitely not dead. Mr. Montgomery Burns!

Where's my burrito? Where's my burrito? Where's my burrito? Ow!

- It's a secret. - Shut up.

I'm ruined! Forbes called it: Overblown, don't you think? What about New Coke? Hey! I invented that.

Man, that is flagrant false advertising!

Thanks, Sparkle. Wait... This isn't you. That's the old Sparkle. Get your worthless butts in the van. We got three more schools. Let's go, go, go!

I got a bad feeling about this.

Yeah, well, you love Moleman. No, you do. You're gay for Moleman! You're gay for Moleman! (BOTH GRUNTING) No one's gay for Moleman. (BOTH GRUNTING)

How frightfully rude! I certainly hope someone stabs him in the eye.

- Oh, act your age. - Oh! You are so dead.

What a crappy candle. You've ruined our vacation.

Dancing, dancing, dancing

I'd be more than happy to.

No, we won't. I've got it all figured out. The baby can have Bart's crib, and Bart can sleep with us until he's 21. Won't that warp him? My Cousin Frank did it. You don't have a Cousin Frank. He became Francine back in '76. Then he joined that cult. I think his name is Mother Shabubu now.

Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home wine-making course and I forgot how to drive? - That's because you were drunk! - And how.

Dad, it says "Non-Toxic." Well, that's a plus.

She's still your mother. Come inside. Hmm? Can I get you a glass of milk? Cow milk? Uh-huh.

When I ordered that blueberry Squishy I meant today.

I hope you know you're sponsoring a celebration for a murderous pirate. A pirate? Well, that's hardly the image we want for Long john Silver's.

Ow ! Nevermore, nevermore, nevermore, nevermore, nevermore--

Clean but nauseous. "Clean but nauseous." With the rolling and the heaving and the you make me sick! You've disgraced the name of John Nerdlebaum Frink. But, Father, I... (SOBBING) We never spoke again.

You should join my religion, Moe. It's great. No hell, no kneeling-- Sorry, Homer. I was born a snake handler, and I'll die a snake handler.

Hey, Lise, check it out. Diamond vision. Buzz off.

I can't believe you're not still popular. What'd you do? Screw up like the Beatles and say you were bigger than jesus? All the time. It was the title of our second album. But we were about to learn an iron law of show business.

but also became a great movie-- called Ghostbusters.

You know, Bart, when I was your age, I pulled a few boners. But I think you'll find that people are pretty decent... if you give them half-- Look ! There it is--

Come on, Homer. Tell him about the store. I'm dying out here. Sorry, Flanders.

Lyrics are the hardest part of songwriting. But when you come up with something meaningful and heartfelt-

Mm, what about Abe Simpson? Don't you have any feelings for him? Oh, he's a dear, but he's too much of an old fusspot. We're all aware of Grampa's problems, but compared to Mr. Burns, he's judge freaking Reinhold. I don't know who that is.

Oh, I wish I were an Oscar Meyer wiener That is what I'd truly like to be 'Cause if I were an Oscar Meyer wiener Everyone would be in love With me

Now you tell me. Oh! Simpson! Hey, what's goin' on? That guy's not Homer Simpson. He's fat and stupid.

And finally, Maggie. Eh! Nobody told us how tough it is to raise kids. They almost drove me to fortified wine. Then we figured out we could park them in front of the TV. That's how I was raised, and I turned out TV.

f Female Announcer] Howdy, partners. My name is Sheriff- f Homer's Voice f Lisa Simpson. f A nnouncer] i sure am hungry for my favorite food- f Homer's Voice] McNuggets. I dont like McNuggets. I'm a vegetarian. Still?

Your Honor, we the jury... find that to be America's funniest home video. Back to you, Bob Saget. This is a court of law. Okeydoke.

Come on, jub jub. Let's go home, and I'll microwave you some nice roaches.

Oh. Well, I'm glad you're keeping busy. Now listen, Abe. I want to know why my money isn't bringing you happiness. Oh, Bea, I'm not cut out for the high life. Abraham, if you're not happy with the money, why don't you spread it around ? Make other people as happy as you made me.

Ah, faithful toilet. You'll prove me right. I'm a-singin' in the sh-- Yeow! Oww! Hot! Yaah! Cold! Oww! Hot! Cold! Hot!

Someone's getting a visit from Superintendent Chalmers. I... can't... take... this. Skinner! Superintendent Chalmers, you didn't have to come all the way down here. Everything's under control.

Happy birthday to you Happy birthday - Happy birthday to you - Happy birthday Happy birthday, Burnsie Happy birthday to you Go to hell, you old bastard. Hey, I think they liked us. Have the Rolling Stones killed. Oh, sir, those aren't-- Do as I say!

f Man f J Jellyfish J J i held you close J J And told you iiove youJ J But then the ocean took you backJ

Krusty wants out!

Don't worry, Marge. You won't feel a thing. You'll feel four things.

"Asleep at the switch"? I wasn't asleep. I was drunk! I believe you, Dad.

That's one fine-looking barbecue pit. Why doesn't mine look like that?

Hi, I'm Troy McClure. You might remember me from such public service videos as... Designated Drivers: The Lifesaving Nerds... and Phony Tornado Alarms Reduce Readiness.

All right, now, boy. We've got to rub some garlic on you before the next full moon. Don't feel bad for losin'. I was wrestling wolves back when you were at your mother's teat.

You know, I always thought you'd die before me. Now, as I prepare my soul for an eternity of fire and poking-- Yeah, less chat, more splat, pal! Hey, Mr. S., I didn't know you bungeed.

Oh, Mrs. Simpson, you must pursue your dreams, like my old dream of coming to America and starting a family. Or my new dream of ditching my family and sneaking back to India in disguise. Apu? Never heard of him. My name is Steve Barnes. (JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING)

Probably. I'm trying to watch the Super Bowl. If people don't support this thing, it might not make it. Joe Willie Namath swaggering off the field, his sideburns an apogee of sculpted "sartorium"-- the foppish follicles pioneered by Ambrose Burnside, Appomattox, 1865.

I'm Krusty the Clown, and I love you very much. Oh, Dad, this is the best birthday I've ever had. That doll is evil, I tells ya. Evil! E-E-Evil! Grampa, you said that about all the presents.

That really covers the cat crap.

Get 'em! Use your phony guns as clubs! Run, children! Start the bus, Otto! Start the bus! Damn! I shouldn't have eaten the mint first. Okay, hop on.

Only management-type guys with big salaries like me can afford things like that. Guys like me! I'm a guy like me! All right, team, it's the fourth quarter. The Lord gave us the atoms, and it's up to us to make 'em dance. Hey, if Tom Landry's hat doesn't motivate you,

Whoo! S.T.D.’s!

I regret nothing!

Elton john? That's my name. Well, not really.

And I won't rest until I've gotten a hot dog. Homer, this is a cemetery. Hot dogs! Get your hot dogs here! Whoo-hoo! What do you do, follow my husband around? Lady, he's putting my kids through college.

Listen, darlin', we're just as much a part of Springfield... as the church, the library or the crazy house. - So I think I'll stay right here, neighbor. - Is that so?

...uh, jock Strap.

Oh, my God! He is like some sort of... non-giving up... school guy.

Hey, hey, how about that weather out there? Whoa, that was the caller from hell. Well, hot dog, we have a "Wiener." Man, that thing's great. Don't praise the machine. If you don't get that kid an elephant by tomorrow, the Dj-3000 gets your job.

They're just a bunch of hilarious stuff, you know, like people getting hurt and stuff. Stuff like that-- Ohh! Look, kids. I just got my party invitations back from the printers. "Come to Homer's BBBQ. The extra 'B' is for BYOBB." What's that extra "B" for? That's a typo.

And he appears every Friday night... like Urkel! Well, your story is very compelling, Mr. jackass-- I mean, Simpson. So, I'll just type it up on my invisible typewriter. You don't have to humiliate me.

I can't help it. It's the shoes. Nobody upstages Little Vicki. Oh, please stop. I'm just getting started.

(EXCLAIMS IN DISAPPOINTMENT) I liked Doug.

Who are all these characters? You're probably too young to remember... the short-lived Itchy and Scratchy and Friends Hour. They had to come up with some friends. There's Disgruntled Goat, Uncle Ant, Klu Klux Klam. Oh, yeah. They weren't very funny. I don't know. Disgruntled Goat had his moments.

Oh, I'll help you. Help you die! Waaah!

Mmm... the land of chocolate!

Ron Howard's attached to direct. I am not. Well, he expressed an interest. - No, I didn't. - Did too. - I did not. - You lie!

You know, Maggie, the sooner kids talk, the sooner they talk back. I hope you never say a word. Daddy.

No. Yes, this should provide adequate sustenance for the Doctor Who marathon.

I'm checkin' in He's checkin' in I'm checkin' in checkin', checkin' in no more pills or alcohol no more pot or demerol no more stinking fun at all

Hey, look, everybody! Free beer! Open your yaps, boyos! Hey, what the-- Oh!

Son, let's stop the fussin' and the feudin'. I love you, Pa! I love you, Cletis!

Holy Moly! Huh?

Your attention, please. Uh, in episode-- Uh, your attention, please! Mr. Simpson will now be autographing 8-by-10 glossies of Poochie. One per customer. Please form a line. There will be no cutting. I'm talking to you, Mr. Cutter.

Homer no function beer well without.

- Smithers, tip over this table for me. - Yes, sir. Homer. Homer. Make them stop. Uh, Mr. Burns. Mr. Burns. Shut up and wreck something. Mr. Burns, I hardly see...

Hey, German boy! Go back to "Germania." I do not deserve this!

Pal, you gotta call that number on the boot. Sorry about that guy. They stick all the jerks in Tower One. That's it! I'm comin' over there! Why don't you come over here! - I got something for you! - Shut up, the both of youse!

Uh, Brooks, Groening, Simon, you're all cut. Castellaneta, gone. Kavner, cut. Cartwright, cut. Smith, sorry. Cut. Azaria and Shearer, you're cut. Firestone, you're cut. So is judge. Namath, you stay. All of those people are cut.

Well, we're leaving. And remember, no Itchy and Scratchy. Aw! I'd better take these batteries just to be sure. Mm-hmm.

Oh, man, that's good. Oh, pass the butter. Are you gonna eat that all by yourself? Uh-huh. Pinchy would've wanted it this way. My dear, sweet Pinchy.

Harper's Magazine! I have a picture of Lewis Lapham on my binder. (GROWLS) Oh, but I've been yapping about myself all night. Marge, what's exciting in your life lately? Well...

Thanks to modern editing techniques, we can use existing footage to complete the film without Milhouse. Watch. Looks like we're in trouble, Fallout Boy. Jiminy jillickers, Radioactive Man! We'll have to fight our way out. Are you ready?

Then we saw Donald Sutherland's ass Animal house, house, house Animal house, house, house Then they did the end like American Graffiti Where you found out what happened to everyone

School's out! Up yours, Krabappel! Well, I'm glad the rest of you remembered... that summer vacation starts at the end of the day, not the beginning. Here you go, ma'am.

Good afternoon and welcome to the Do What You Feel Festival.

Here in the boudoir the gourmand metamorphosizes into... the voluptuary! What in God's name are you talking about?

Mmm. Sorry, Marge. I'm afraid this gets my lowest rating ever-- seven thumbs up. You always liked my pork chops. Marge, I'm sorry, but your cooking's only got two moves-- shake and bake.

Remember: Lie, cheat, steal and listen to heavy metal music ! Yes, sir !

Back in 'Nam, I could command respect.

Friend. Friend! Hey, kid, wake up. Who are you? I'm Laura, your new neighbor. You all right? She's beautiful. Say something clever. I fell on my bottom.

If they hire a woman, we won't be able to spit on the floor. And we can't take off our pants when it gets real hot. And we won't be able to pee in the drinking fountain. Yeah-- I mean, that-- You know, if we wanted to. Not that I ever did.

I'd like to read the following statement, but I do so under-- my own free will. "It has come to my attention that NBC sucks. "I apologize for misleading you and urge you to watch as many Fox shows as possible. So, in summary, NBC bad, Fox good." CBS great.

How could you soil the good name of Star Blitzzz Promotions? Oh, come on, Lisa. We've always used pop stars to recruit people. Going back to Elvis. Then there was Sgt. Pepper's, the Captain & Tennille, and the Kiss army. But you have recruiting ads on TV.

Shall I show you to your room, or would you prefer... to be dragged off kicking and screaming? Ooh, kicking and screaming, please. As you wish. Noooooo!

Yuck! All right, uh, let's get started on lunch. And-- Wait. Where's Lenny? Hello? Can anybody hear me? I think I found a way out. It's not pretty, but it'll do.

I am evil Homer. I am evil Homer.

No! It was finger Ling-Ling good.

Not a guarantee. Loving serenity. It's about damn time!

You've ruined Thanksgiving !

It's so cute what she does. Be the baby, kitty. Go on. Be the baby. Come on. Snowball! You don't understand. She loves to climb in here. I believe you! I don't care!

No, kid! Don't! Command link severed. Default setting. Crush. Kill. Destroy. D-- Don't! Children, help! He's killing me!

I was trying to punish him exactly like you would. So, in a way, you really dropped the ball on this one. This is your mess, and I'll be damned if I'm gonna clean it up. Please come in, Mrs. Simpson.

"Y." "Y." "Y." "Y."

Okay, i hear that. i hear that, dudes! You too, Gracie music dude! Guh!

Dear Sally, in response to your letter of December 12, 1966, me favorite color is blue and me real first name is Richard. Thanks for the snapshot. You're a real cute bird. Love, Ringo. P.S. Forgive the lateness of my reply.

Say it, Frenchy. Say "chowdah"! Never!

What the flood? Maude, it's a miracle! The Lord has drowned the wicked and spared the righteous. Isn't that Homer Simpson? Looks like heaven's easier to get into than Arizona State.

And to challenge the irresistible force of Tatum, we have the immovable object. He's been called the Brick Hit House... and is also known as the Southern Dandy, Homer Simpson!

Cool-- An oversize novelty billiard ball. You shake it up and it tells the future. Really? Uh-huh. Will I pass my English test? "Outlook not so good." Wow, it does work!

That's great. Even big stars take their kids to the zoo. Well, it's a different zoo containing animals you've never heard of. Daddy, we're missing the Fantastapotamus. She only sings twice a day. That's it! Kids are the answer.

Oh, the usual-- stand in front of this. Open that. Pull down this. Bend over. Spread apart that. Turn your head that way. Cough.

Of course! Bowling! Bowling here! Come bowl now! Get your bowling! Who's ready? Bowling!

I'll be back. You can't keep the democrats out of the white house forever... And when they get in, I'm back on the streets... with all my criminal buddies!

All right! Special holiday meal. Where do you want these beef hearts? On the floor. It doesn't look very clean. just do your job, heart boy.

No jail can hold me.

What'll I do? Frankly, my dear-- I love you. Let's remarry.

Well, I'm not giving my baby any more dangerous drugs. From now on, it's nothing but fresh air, lots of hugs and good old-fashioned Ritalin. You said a mouthful. When I can't stop fiddlin' I just takes me Ritalin I'm poppin' and sailin', man

Who are you? The spirit of Cesar Chavez. Why do you look like Cesar Romero? Because you don't know what Cesar Chavez looks like.

Also, sir, your Loudmouth Leopard is a rip-off of Jackie Gleason. Humina, humina, humina, humina, humina. And Clutzy Cat sounds exactly like Jerry Lewis, with the stealing and the lawsuit and the "Oh, nice judge. Don't hurt a person with the thing."

I'm just excited because they're showing an episode of Boy Meets World on this flight.

There's your problem.

Hey, kid, wake up. Who are you? I'm Laura, your new neighbor. You all right? She's beautiful. Say something clever. I fell on my bottom. D'oh!

Keep 'em coming.

Who the devil are you? Don't panic. just come up with a good story. My name is Mr. Burns. D'oh!

Sir, if I could just break in for a moment.

Well, time to go to work. Little do they know, I'm ducking out early... to take the Duff Brewery tour. Roll in at 9:00, punch out at 5:00. That's the plan. Heh, heh, heh! They don't suspect a thing. Well, off to the plant,

Say your prayers, Simpson. Because the schools can't force you like they should. Maude, these new finger razors make hedge trimming as much fun as sitting through church.

John Wilkes Booth entered, drew his gun and"-- Well, that's it. Have a nice summer, everyone. But what happened in Ford's Theatre? Was President Lincoln okay? He was fine. Go home, Ralph.

Cleanup in all the aisles.

My name is Sebastian Kobb. Lanley hired me to build his monorail.

Quitting show biz. No, I like the area. But where does it go? Get away from me! Wait! We have more notes! Get off, damn you! You can kill me, but two more will take my place!

Warning! Warning! Prepare to be abducted.

Hey, Flanders, who put that bug up your butt ?

How could you do this to someone you love? How could I not? I saw you pouring your heart and soul into this business and getting nowhere. I saw you desperately trying to cram one more salty treat... into America's already-bloated snack hole. So I did what I could. I did what any loving husband would do-- I reached out to some violent mobsters.

Going somewhere? Wha-- Homer! Moe! You killed me! Hey, n-no. No, y-you ain't dead. Y-Y-you're just in jail. Oh, right.

Why, you little-- No one's gonna beat you, Son. You're gonna get such a beating.

("THREE STOOGES" NOSE TWISTING NOISE)

"Truth is beauty, beauty, truth," sir. They're discussing poetry. Oh, we never do that at my school. But the truth can be harsh and disturbing. How can that be considered beautiful? Oh, he sure sucked the fun out of that poem.

The zombies have the Earthlings on the run. Soon, the human race will wither and fall, like the earth plums we have seen on the observe-a-scope.

Isn't this that cartoon that causes seizures? Bart, what are you doing? Hey, what the-- Hmm. All right.

I rest my case. Prosecutor, your witness. You liar! You did it, you lying jerk! Take that! You did it!

(SNORING) Z-Z-Z-Z-Z-Z-Z...

Oh, Mrs. Simpson, it may interest you to know, we are having a sale on blue dye number 52. It is your hair color, I believe. Whatever do you mean? I don't dye my hair. Nah, nah, nah. You got it wrong, 'pu. She's blue 56. I don't know what you're talking about.

It's, like, realsville, daddy-o. Ha ! - Bart, what are you doing ? - Uh-oh ! - Aah ! - Aah ! Why, you little-- Uh-oh ! Now I got ya ! Aah ! Aah ! Boy must die !

You did this, Bart Simpson! The man knows quality work. This time you're in for it, Bart.

The man's talking about waste management. That affects the whole damn planet. Oh, here we go. What do you say we slip out to Moe's for a pint? Can I come? - No. - Wankers.

Well, I'll be in the tub. By the way, congratulations on your new job, Homer. New job? Marge is pregnant?

I mean, I did just star in my first movie with Marvin Hagler... and Tova Borgnine-- Yeah!

Are the luCkiest people

Yeah, nice to see you. Seymour, why is that student lying unconscious on the floor? Well, in many cases, the floor is the best-- Oh, look! Here comes Lumpy, the school snake. Help! Help! Oh, Lord.

When Homer sold his soul for a doughnut, he found out that hell isn't all it's cracked up to be... in these never-before-broadcast scenes.

He took Bart too? That wasn't part of our deal, Blackheart! That wasn't part!

These things happen. Eight dollars.

The king of splatter, Tom Savini! Good evening. Sorry, I had a really big dinner. Whoo! Dinner! But I'm sure one more french fry wouldn't hurt.

Good riddance. Wanna go celebrate? I feel like liver and onions. Mmm.

I'm sorry, Dad. It's all right. I understand. But we really could have used that $12,000. Um, Dad, 10% of $120 million isn't 12,000. It's-- Code blue. Code blue.

That brown patch needs a little H2o. Oh, yeah! Hey, Duff Man, let's see how you like a sticker on your face! Yeah! Duff Man... can't breathe. Oh, no! Oh!

Go to your room!

We are the fruit That your grandmother loves Yeah... This is offensive to Christians and prunes.

A fine mahoke to you all.

Oh, geez. This looks bad. Better turn on the old Wiggum charm. Pervert! Oh, boy. That sounded bad.

Hey, if you want wild bears eating your children... and scaring away your salmon, that's your business.

You are never gonna guess what I saw at Martin's party after you guys left! You know that playhouse? Well, I-- Good gravy! Oh, thank you. It's just brown and water.

Homer, what is it? Slow down. Yer getta ferda redda oura.

Ooh! One of the turkeys fell behind the bed. Mmm. Foot-long chili dog.

What'll I do? Frankly, my dear-- I love you. Let's remarry. Ahh. That's sweet. What a lovely ending. They cut out the best word. Didn't that movie used to have a war in it? Come on, you. You've been warned.

You know, you look a little flushed. Maybe you should eat more vegetables and less people. Uh-huh.

Hey, did you hear something? No. Hmm. Did I? I don't know!

I'm Anoop, you racist cracker!

Your son has been working in a burlesque house. Principal Skinner saw him with his own eyes. That's true, but I was only in there to get directions on how to get away from there.

Why are we stopping at my school, Mother? What does it say on that sign? I don't like your tone! Surprise! Happy anniversary, Son.

I found a hive of killer bees. You wanna go throw rocks at it? Sorry. I'm deeply immersed in the Teapot Dome scandal. Huh? - However, it might be feasible in a fortnight. - Wuh? I can play in two weeks. juh?

Like one time, we were having this race... with this stupid, old-timey bicycle with the big wheel in front. So, I figure, we'll see about that. So I get this big chunk of cinder block-- Oh, gotta go. Innocent!

So long, Stampy.

you're sleeping on the lawn. Will you two shut up? People are trying to sleep!

What's your name, Bart... ner ? Uh, little partner ? I'm Bart Simpson. Who the hell are you ? I'm jolly Old St. Nick. Oh, yeah ? We'll just see about that. D'oh ! Homer ! I want A word with you in Santa's workshop.

He's right, you know. About the ox?

Bart, just get out of here. Hey, it's a free country. You get out. That doesn't make sense. I know you are, but what am I? Get out! Get out! Okay! But on my way, I'm gonna be doing this. If you get hit, it's your own fault.

Forget context. He's gotta be a surfer. Give me a nice schmear of surfer. I feel we should "rastafy" him by 10% or so.

Tom Landry's hat! And it's autographed! "To Berman's Dry Cleaning. Best wishes, Tom Landry." Why don't you buy it? I can't buy that. Only management-type guys with big salaries like me can afford things like that.

Oh. So you're lookin' for a Mr. Smithers, eh? First name Waylon, is it? Listen to me, you! When I catch you, I'm gonna pull out your eyes and shove 'em down your pants... so you can watch me kick the crap outta you! Okay? Then I'm gonna use your tongue to paint my boat.

Mom, I need more O.J. Flintstones chewable morphine. I'll miss Sheriff Lobo. Mom, I need more O.J. Flintstones chewable morphine. I'll miss Sheriff Lobo. O.J. Morphine. Lobo. - O.J. Morphine. - Lobo.

Dr. Laura. Spike Lee. Wait a minute. They're not so great. Okay. But there's Dan Quayle and Courtney Love. Tonya Harding! Al Sharpton! Tom Arnold! What the hell's going on? Wait. Only that ship is going to Mars.

Lisa, never, ever stop in the middle of a hoedown. Oh, honey, I didn't realize how much that horn meant to you. Don't worry. Daddy's gonna get it back. I don't know how, but I'll figure out something.

All right! The mummy's ready for his mystical journey!

In exchange for your silence, I'm prepared to offer your family free tickets to anywhere in the United States, excluding Alaska and Hawaii-- the freak states.

Bart, that's so sweet. May I see the card? "I couldn't afford to get you a new drum--" Eww.

Oh, wait. I heard how this ends. Turns out the secret code was the same nursery rhyme he told his daughter. It's pretty obvious if you think about it. Shut up, Homer! No one wants to hear what you think!

Shouldn't you people be groveling?

We offered you paradise. You would've experienced emotions a hundred times greater than what you call love... and a thousand times greater than what you call fun. You would've been treated like gods and lived forever in beauty. But now, because of your distrustful nature, that can never be.

Howdily-do-- - Greetings, friend-- - Dang! I told you to unplug the phone. But it could be my mother. Howdy-- Shoot! Greetings, friend-- That is it, Ned. If you don't unplug that phone right now, you're sleeping on the lawn. Will you two shut up? People are trying to sleep!

But this isn't about show business. This is about some kid down a hole or something. We gotta do what we can.

Then I got my big break. I was on Steve Allen's Tonight Show. Now, a brilliant jazz musician who's inspired me to do some improv poetry. Twinkle, twinkle, groovy cat. How I wonder where you at. I really love the way you cook. just like me when I wrote this book.

Yeah, right. That's the oldest excuse in the book. Come on. I'm a decent guy. Why would anybody wanna touch a girl's butt? That's where cooties come from.

Hello. Hello, Marge. It's Patty. Selma and I couldn't be more excited about seeing our baby sister For Christmas Eve. Well, Homer and I are looking forward to your visit too.

Trendy guest stars were shamelessly trotted out to grab ratings. If you are looking for trouble, you've found it. Just try me, you-- Oh!

Hello, neighborino to the north. I sure like the cut of your gibberish. (RAPIDLY INTERLOCKING DOODLIES, DIDDLIES) Say, would you like to puff on a reefer-ino? It's legal here. They warned me Satan would be attractive. Let's go!

Ninety-seven, 98, 99, 100! (CHEERING)

Now proclaim, "I have the power." I have the power. Oh, say it like you mean it, boy. I... have... the power. I have the power! I see the light. It burns.

I can't get a straight answer out of this crazy hemisphere. Eine Minuten! Eine Minuten! Aah! Das wagenfon ist eine nuisance phone! - Buenos noches, mein FÜhrer. - Ja, ja.

Let's get it on. Now I know how Dean Rusk feels. Good night, everybody.

Hey, I'm a Buddhist! My Satan sense is tingling. Into the root cellar, boys. When can we come out? Maybe never. Yea!

Hurts, don't it? Right. Do you know what a wet willie is? - Is it this? - Hey, baby! How about puttin' your finger in my ear? Well, I don't know. Your boyfriend looks like the jealous type. Hey, what the-- That chick's messin' with our minds. Let's get out of here.

Oh! No! Wait a minute. Bronchial tubes clearing. Asthma disappearing. Acne... remains. But asthma disappearing.

You're all sick! Oh, be nice! Oh! My son doesn't stand a chance! The whole world's gone gay! Oh, my God! What's happening now? We work hard. We play hard.

A tombstone? It came with the burial plot. But that's not important. The important thing is Homer is dead. We've been saving for this since your wedding day. Get out of here, you ghouls! Ayayayaya! Hmm?

Ah, young love. The old make-out place.

And the healthy snacks are on their way. You can't take our doughnuts! Yaah! Right. Anyone else want to be a hero? Ooh.

Now let's all share the goodness.

Hello, chief. Let's talk. Why not? Uh, hello? Why am I Mr. Sparkle?

I mean, elevator.

Yes. Dr. Foster here. Ned Flanders? You're sure? No, no, no. I'll come right over. And may God have mercy on us all. Darling, there's an emergency at the hospital. Where are my shoes? Oh, I think they're in the den.

Bart, why are you talking like that? Yeah, and who the hell are you talkin' to? Marge, do you have other men in this house? Radioactive men? I'm practicing my Fallout Boy dialogue.

I can't keep up this pace forever. Hi, I'm Troy McClure. You might remember me from such telethons as... "Out with Gout '88" and "Let's Save Tony Orlando's House." Folks, do you realize without your support, public television can't afford to bring you such award-winning shows as... Edward the Penitent?

Baby. Baby. Pirate? No, no, wait a minute! - Pirates are wild! - We are pregnant! Oh. Oh, get lost!

Mmml l don 't mind the taste. Ooh, a new hamburger sandwich. Wow. I cant wait to pack that into my colon. Dude, take it easy on the fatty foods. You’re running out of leg veins to transplant into your heart. I got arm veins, dont I? Yes, sir.

Trust in yourself and you can achieve anything. All right! Now all we need is a name.

And we need young smokers to take their place. I don't wanna be a spokesperson for a cigarette company! But you're a role model to young people.

Forty years ago,

(LAUGHING EVILLY)

Yes, I'll hold. Everybody loves A clown so why don't you Yep, here's your problem.

How many times can you laugh at that cat getting hit by the moon? - It's a new episode. - Not exactly. They pieced it together from old shows, and it seems new to the trusting eyes of impressionable youth. Really? Ren and Stimpy do it all the time. Yes, they do, and when was the last time... you heard anyone talk about Ren and Stimpy?

Ooh! Ahh! Uh-oh. Hey! Not bad. Hey! Ah, without the loop, it is a-nothing.

Whee, I'm Dick Tracy! Bam! Take that, Prune Face! Now I'm Prune Face! Take that, Dick Tracy! Now I'm Prune Tracy! Take that, Dick-- Ned, stop it at once! Stop it!

Hello. I'm Dr. Stupid. I'm going to take out your liver bones. Oops. You're dead. I never liked that Dr. Stupid.

Mmm ! Stay here, boy.

Lisa, come on. Your tomato soup is getting a skin on top. Fine. She doesn't get her skin. Lisa insulted us, Mom. She thinks she is so great. I'll dance on her grave. Bart! What? Oh, napkin. Right.

Slow down, sir. You're going to give yourself skin failure.

It worked! They're all dead! Well, except for chubsy-ubsy over there. Mmm. Sprinkles! Homer, stop looking! Don't make us poke your eyes out, Dad. Ohh!

And the rocket's Red gla-a-a-a-a-a-re

Mrs. Simpson, you're under oath. We drove around until 3:00 a.m., looking for another all-you-can-eat fish restaurant. And when you couldn't find one? We went fishing. Do these sound like the actions of a man...

Ready for that drink, sir? just a second. Let me introduce you to the gang. That's Buzz, that's Honey. And you see that queen? Her name is Smithers. That's very flattering, but we should go.

So, what was it like at the Flanders' house? Yeah, give me all the dirt. Let's see. Dirt. Dirt. Well, there wasn't really much dirt. There was a bunch of old paint cans in their garage though. Ol' Painty-can Ned! I always knew he'd keep his old cans of paint!

Man, this place looks expensive! I feel like I'm wasting a fortune just standing here.

You know, Simpson, from the moment you walked into my office... I had a feeling I'd kill you in a hall of mirrors.

Sweetheart, what's the matter? Not getting enough of the good stuff? D'oh!

Hello. My name is Mr. Snrub, and I come from, uh, someplace far away. Yes, that will do. Anyway, i-i say we invest that money back in the nuclear plant. I like the way Snrub thinks.

(ALL SCREAM) (STUTTERS) Yes, Superintendent Chalmers? Do you know what today is? Today? Yes, of course I do! Happy birthday to you, happy... It not my birthday, Seymour. You know I'm a Sagittarius. Really? I'm a Libra. There's a lot of compatibility there.

Meet me in the alley in 15 minutes. Come alone.

Join the navy Join the navy Join the navy

Now, calm down, Neddilly-diddilly-diddilly- diddilly-diddilly. They did their best. Shodilly-idilly- iddilly-diddilly. Gotta be nice. Hostility- diddilly-diddilly-diddilly-- Aw, hell! Diddily-ding-dong crap! Can't you morons do anything right?

Yeah. Yeah. Ha, ha! April Fools'. I've been keeping that carton of milk next to the furnace for six weeks. Sucker! You're goin' down, Homer. I'm gonna fool you. You talk better than you fool. I'll fool you up real nice.

Ahh. Ah-- Oh, my God. I gotta do something! Come on, transmit. Transmit!

Say, what's goin' on?

Simple villagers, I promise you.

Here, I'm writing an article on her for my next Malibu Stacy newsletter. It contains her last known whereabouts. - I'll, uh, print you out a copy. - Thanks. Hello, Smithers. You're quite good... at turning... me on. Um, you probably should ignore that.

Ice cream truck! Me! Me! I was here first!

Hey! Your early porno movies. Oh, wait. Are any ofthese hetero? What’s there is there.

I hope you're someplace warm. You bet your sweet...

You're goin' down, Homer. I'm gonna fool you. You talk better than you fool. I'll fool you up real nice. You couldn't fool your mother on the foolingest day of your life... if you had an electrified fooling machine.

Fifty bucks for a toy? No kid is worth that. Oh, but this is the Rex Mars Atomic Discombobulator. Don't you just love the graphics on this box?

You know what that fabulous man just did? He gave the Springfield Zoo two male pandas... and got them to mate successfully. And a stunt like that impresses people? Oh, yeah. And I'm not easily impressed. Wow! A blue car!

for a life-long Republican? In our overcrowded cell we became little more than beasts. Who used my chap stick? Oh, i did. Here you go. I don't want it.

"Stir in two cups of checks. Sprinkle liberally with balances." "Ding, dong. The sounds of the Liberty Bell. Ding-- freedom. Dong-- opportunity. Ding-- excellent schools. Dong-- quality hospitals."

Let us kill the English. Their concept of individual rights... could undermine the power of our beloved tyrants. Yea!

We just want to live peacefully with your wife. No! My wife is not a doobie to be passed around! I took a sacred vow on my wedding day... to bogart her forever! Oh, Homie. There's only one reasonable way to settle this.

Take that, Mom! Take that, Dad! Send me to a psychiatrist, will you? Take that, Dr. Sally Waxler!

Here's Lisa today. Without treatment, here's what she'll look like at age 11, age 14, age 17... and, finally, age 18.

Tom Arnold! What the hell's going on? Wait. Only that ship is going to Mars. Ours is headed for the sun. Yeah. Ain't that a kick in the teeth? I mean, my shows weren't great, but I never tied people up and forced 'em to watch. And I could've, 'cause I'm a big guy, and I'm good with knots.

(SCREAMS) (BRAKES SCREECHING) What? Can't we sit on the couch without something happening? D'oh!

Mmm, McNuggets. f Sia vering f i ii get those no-good indians. .. - fast as sure as my favorite book is- - f Homer's Voice] Magazines. f Homer Snoring f - f Bats Voice] Wake up, Dad. - [Homer's Voice f Huh? What?

Lionel Hats, court-appointed attorney. I'll be defending you on the charge of... murder one! Wow. Even if I lose, I'll be famous.

Somebody check the men's room for a huge ass. I'm Hugh jazz. Telephone. This is Hugh jazz.

I'm in a coffee house listening to poetry. There's a cat on a table and no one seems to care. This is the single greatest day of my life! "Impossible to tell in writing. Basho, he named himself. Banana Tree."

Tell me where you're from. Georgia. Texas. Uh... Brooklyn. Russia. New Hampshire. Homer!

(LOUD MUSIC PLAYING) Turn that down. Screw you. (GRUNTS)

Nobody knows. It's a secret. I didn't get my bonus this year. But to keep the family from missing out on Christmas, I'd do anything. I'll say, Dad. You must really love us to sink so low. Now, let's not get mushy, son. I still have a job to do.

Remember: Lie, cheat, steal and listen to heavy metal music ! Yes, sir ! Dr. Warner, you're wanted in Radiology. He's awake ! Oh, Bart !

"Hopping Mad Collection Agency"?

I give you the former poet laureate of the United States, Mr. Robert Pinsky. Tonight I'll be reading from a copy of my book I just checked out at Atherton Library!

Not my extendo-glove! Oh, they haven't made those since the war. Not-- Oh, not my Paris backdrop! How am I gonna make fun of the Frogs? Wait. If I could only stay on the air, I'd have 100% of the audience.

Isometric exercise. Care to join me? Why is there smoke coming out of your oven, Seymour? Uh-- Oh. That isn't smoke. It's steam. Steam from the steamed clams we're having. Mmm. Steamed clams. Whew.

Double dang! Aw, donkey butter! Oh, it's no use. I got an idea.

Far too much dancing, not nearly enough prancing. A little mincing would be nice.

You know, you can influence people without badgering them always. It's like Paul's song, "Live and Let Live." It was "Live and Let Die." Whatever, whatever. It had a good rhythm. I guess I have been pretty hard on a lot of people, especially my dad. Thanks, you guys.

I think you're making him angry. Come on. What's he gonna do? Run amok in downtown Springfield?

My name is Hans. Drinking has ruined my life. I'm 31 years old.

Big deal! When I was a pup, we got spanked by presidents till the cows came home. Grover Cleveland spanked me on two nonconsecutive occasions!

Thanks, Flanders. I have to agree that everything certainly-- Huh?

of the-e-e-e-e-e-e Bra-a-a-a-a-a-ve

Oh, it's hopeless. Utterly, utterly hopeless. Oh, I see. When it's one of my schemes, you can't foil it fast enough. But when Cecil tries to kill you, "It's hopeless. Utterly, utterly hopeless." Well, if you kids aren't going to foil him, I'll have to do it myself.

What do you like about him? He's just a good-lookin' rebel who plays by his own rules.

I have a favor to ask. Please shut this place down and move away from Springfield. Oh, honey, you can't be serious. Springfield doesn't want places like this. I think I know what Springfield wants, sugar. Oh? I've lived in this town for 37 years. I've lived here 52 years. I'm third generation. Sixth.

Come on, come on. Let's go! No! My Spine-O-Cylinder! They'll pay for what they did to my can! Forget it, Homer. It's Chiro-town.

Now they'll never save your brain, Hitler. Little help?

Greasy joe's Bottomless Bar-B-Q Pit. Hmm. Homer, remember you promised you'd try to limit pork to six servings a week ? Marge, I'm only human ! Now, look. Here's what we're gonna do: We'll unload the kids on Patty and Selma Saturday night, and then we'll eat until they kick us out of the place, just like old times !

Pucker up, Ned.

Are you gonna buy those toads orjust lick 'em? Lick 'em. Go away. Ah. Thanks for the donation, Mr. Simpson. Do you feel okay?

Uh, Tony, please! No. I just ate a whole plate of "dingamagoo."

Are you a Care Bear? I'm an Intensive Care Bear. Why does a bear need a crowbar? I don't like to get my hands dirty. (FESTIVE MUSIC PLAYING) Ahhh!

I'll take this Communist one too.

Old man river That old man river He just keeps rolling

And I was partying with Newt Gingrich, Janeane Garofalo and Scottie Pippen. Everyone loved my corporation. And then, the bubble burst. Wait! Don't go! My stock will have a slight rebound in 2003. I had nothing.

Did I sound like a real Kwik-E-Mart, you know, kinda guy? Actually, I thought it was a little labored. Oh. You gotta lose yourself in the moment, man. Yeah. Like-- Yeah! Okay. Great. Okay. Let-Let's just try that again. Okay? Come on. Hey. Come on. Hey-ey-ey! Hey, get over here! Okay. Now, you're you, I'm me.

Like we do Man, that guy's guitar is talkin'! Hey, my shoes are talkin' too! Don't worry. We won't hurt you. We only want to have some fun.

The way people act around here, you'd think the streets were paved with gold. They are.

Everyone outside of this room is against me! I can hear you walking by-- It stinks! It stinks! It stinks! Yes, Mr. Sherman. Everything stinks.

Hey, where's Dad? Rise and shine, everybody.

Kids, would you step outside for a second? F-- Dear Lord! That's the loudest profanity I've ever heard.

SeÑor plow no es macho eS solamente un borracho Yeah, you do that.

Tonight on Wings-- Ah, who cares?

Hmm. Am I wrong, or did it just get fatter in here?

They made an elephant! It's hauntingly beautiful, isn't it?

Here you go. Thank you, Dad. Hey, any friend of Marge is a friend of mine.

Ralph. "A." Janey. "A." And, Lisa, for your-- essay, "jebediah Springfield: Super-Fraud," "F." But it's all true. This is nothing but... dead-white-male bashing from a P.C. thug. It's women like you who keep the rest of us from landing a husband.

Hey, Mrs. K.! Oh, Arthur!

Oh, stop talking crazy.

Your family is better than my family ! Your beer comes from farther away than my beer ! You and your son like each other ! Your wife's butt is higher than my wife's butt ! You make me sick !

Right now I'm thinking about holding another meeting... in bed.

The point is I want you to stop making these calls. All right, Mom. I promise you will never be billed for another call. Bobby Sherman.

Hello ? Simpson, this is Sylvia Winfield. That canine of yours is in my pool again. I'm calling the dog warden right now ! Oh, are you ? Well, you go ahead... and call your precious dog warden, you old battle axe, because my dog is tied up in the backyard. There's only one family on this block--

Okay, don't panic. Remember what the instructor said. If you ever get into trouble, all you need to do is-- Feels like I'm wearing nothin' at all. Nothin' at all. Nothin' at all. Stupid sexy Flanders! Ow! My leg! This is the worst pain ever!

So forceful and raw. It didn't ask. It just took. Canyonero Hyah! oh canyonero Oh, Canyonero.

Well done. Their fleet is destroyed. (SINISTER LAUGHTER) Daddy, I had the craziest dream. Ralphie, you're still in it. Whee!

Somebody's gonna get parasites.

Stop it, please. I'm trying to eat. And all those feet going by the window are really creeping me out. ts like we're at Cheers. I loved that show, because you always knew it was only a half hour till Wings. Then you could just sleep till Monday. Bye, Mom.

(MIMICKING ELVIS PRESLEY) Hey, baby, come here. I want to kiss you. (KISSING) Squeak, squeak! No, don't kiss me.

Yes. I should be-- Good Lord! What is happening in there? Aurora borealis.

In culture-- dead last. Eleanor, we've got to do something about this depression. So I propo-- Oh, that's right. I'm crippled.

Yep, this place is great. Someday, when Lisa and Bart get married, it'll all be theirs. Yuck! You mean when they marry other people. Okay, but I ain't payin' for two weddin's.

Why, you little-- Stop it, Homer. That's inhumane. Use the choke chain. Fine!

Oh, no. Everything's ruined. Our good bellows. Our stereopticon. Squiggy! Homer! Your strop. Your strop! Our lives are ruined.

Observe. A bike lock. Now just turn around and count to three.

Isn't there something you'd like to say? There sure is. Kids, you tried your best, and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

Beret of poodle on my noodle it shall rest Try my red-robin suit It comes one breast or two See my vest see my vest See my vest

I'm not a stabbin' hobo. I'm a singin' hobo. Nothin' beats the hobo life Stabbin' folks with my hobo knife I gouge them-- Excuse me, Hobo.

Nice grizzlies. Nice grizzlies. That's a good grizzly. Oh. Oh. Huh ? Maggie ! Oh, my little girl. Nice grizzlies. Nice grizzlies.

Nothing at all. Let's just eat. Ah, close enough.

They fight and bite They bite and fight and bite Bite, bite, bite Fight, fight, fight The Itchy and Scratchy Show As we join tonight's adventure, we find Itchy at the counter of his butcher shop. Hiya, Scratchy.

What the hell was that? Calling home planet. This is Ensign Kang reporting a cigar-shaped object moving at tremendous speed. Sure, Kang, I'm writing it all down.

You guys must be getting pretty tired of that movie by now. No one who saw the movie would say that! Let's get him!

Sure. I can loan you all the money you need. However, since you have no collateral, I'm gonna have to break your legs in advance.

Hey, Dad, can I use the transporter sometime? Please, I swear I'll be careful. Sorry, but this is a highly sophisti-ma-cated doo-wacky. If you don't use it responsibly, kablammo! Ow! Someone just punched me in the face! It was your mother!

- Some Indians took all the- - f Homer's Voice] McNuggets. Mmm, McNuggets. f Sia vering f i ii get those no-good indians. .. - fast as sure as my favorite book is- - f Homer's Voice] Magazines. f Homer Snoring f - f Bats Voice] Wake up, Dad. - [Homer's Voice f Huh? What?

Hello ! What's this ? From Springfield, U.S.A. ? Gear !

Okay. I'll be back in an hour. I'll take him. Do you have him in blond?

This is the most thoughtful thing anybody ever-- Sweet merciful crap! My car!

just ask this scientician. Uh-- He'll tell you that in nature one creature invariably eats another to survive.

And what are those men doing under my van? Look, lady, if I was you, I would just leap into the air, as I'm preparing to do. - Here ya go, Homer. - Thanks, Moe.

Crush! Kill! Destroy!

Mmm. That's good Billy. Mr. McClure, what does D.N.A. stand for? That didn't answer anything. I need more information. Would you like to see it again? Isn't there any way I can change my D.N.A.,

All right. That's it.

Ah, Homer, we're gonna visit the boys' grandmother. Family only, you know? Right. No reporters. No. I-- I-- I mean just the Flanders family. Oh, okay.

Why, that's my husband ! His name isn't Bigfoot. His name is Homer.

Adding a new character is often a desperate attempt to boost low ratings.

Drink up, Judah Ben-Hur. You truly are the king of kings. Excellent.

Precious Venus.

- Are you guys working? - Yes, sir, Mr. Simpson. Could you, um, work any harder than this? Sure thing, boss.

I didn't do it !

That's not a job. It's a waste of time. What can poor people pay you? Nothin'! What satisfaction do you get from helping them? None! Who wants to help poor people anyway? Nobody!

Stuff starts disappearing-- That's enough. There's a problem with the reactor. What do you do? A problem with the reactor?! We're all going to die!

"He will not see me stopping here... to watch his woods fill up with snow." Hey, Frosty, you want some snow, man? We discussed this, and I said no.

Mom! Lise! Check it out. Dad's on TV. Oh, yeah!

Whoo-hoo! I'm a college man! I won't need my high school diploma anymore! I am so smart I am so smart I am so smart I am so smart S-M-R-T I mean, S-M-A-R-R-T

Smithers, who was that corpse?

You sure look stupid in that green dress, Lise. That's funny. I don't feel stupid.

Homer. Homer, why didn't you tell me? I was ashamed, Marge. I failed you as a husband and a provider. And at best I was a B-plus dog. I'll understand if you want to sleep on the couch tonight.

- Ap-cray. - Ap-cray.

What kind of warped human being would find that funny ?

not gonna teach forever Gonna give showbiz A try Try I didn't think it was physically possible, but this both sucks and blows. That'S famE

"Is it St. Swiven's Day already?' ''Tis,' replied Aunt Helga."

Oh. Like how we built that snowman together in that Newport ad? Remember how "alive with pleasure" they said we were?

Sorry, Rosarita. I got to get to my birthday party. Farewell, SeÑor Bart.

(MOANS) He was my best friend.

Those dolphins seem bent on mayhem. We've gotta warn Grampa! Hmm. Phone's off the hook. Everything must be okay.

Your kid flew five feet. That counts as a ride. Two bucks. That was never five feet.

Homer? Homer? Y'ello? Homer, there's a man here who thinks he can help you. Batman? No, he's a scientist. Batman's a scientist. It's not Batman!

Below! Thanks, little girl! The knee bone's connected to the... Something the something's connected to the Red thing the Red thing's connected to my wristwatch Uh-oh.

This is the Dj-3000. It plays CDs automatically, and it has three distinct varieties of inane chatter. Hey, hey, how about that weather out there? Whoa, that was the caller from hell. Well, hot dog, we have a "Wiener."

Man, this is crazy. I hope I didn't brain my damage. I better check my pupils.

Soon I'll be queen of summertime. Oh. King. King!

D'oh! Ow! - Ow! - Look out! Oh, no. I'm gonna go off the end of the--

Whoo! I wanna be john Elway. Elway takes the snap and runs it in for a touchdown! Thanks to Elway's patented last-second magic, the final score of Super Bowl xxx-- Denver, 7. San Francisco, 56.

Whoa! Sign's floating away, Chief. Executive, legislative and, uh, judicial.

Hey, robot, get your fat metal ass down here!

Workin' 9 to 5 what A way to make A livin' ...and when ye tallow hardens, we remove it from yon mold. What a crappy candle. You've ruined our vacation.

Do you need a beer to fall asleep? Thank you. That'd be nice. Do you ever hide beer around the house? Do I ever! Ah! Do you ever drink to escape from reality?

Well, well, well. Look who needs us again to get his chauffeur's license. Look. All I ask is that you be fair. Oh. Did not adjust side mirror. Minus one point. Failed to check blind spot. Minus two points. You won't be happy till my family thinks I'm a loser, will you? You are a loser, Homer. And we're winners. You gotta learn that. Ooh. Seat belt twisted. Minus one point.

"Me so sorry. Ah, so." What's he gonna do next, the flapping dickey? Uh-oh, I'm losin' 'em. Time for the "A" material. Hey, hey!

I can see I'm gonna love working with you. Well, gotta go. I wanna sneak in a quick nap before lunch.

Come on, Mom. Yeah, Mom. Hurry up.

So let's all prove how adult we can be... by filing to the gym in a calm and orderly manner. Even though it's first come, first serve, and the most popular sports fill up fast. Too many wee ones! This gets uglier every year.

The time will just fly by. w'w'f TV Theme: King ofthe Hilly

it's company policy to give you the plague.

Ling, you're gonna be very happy in America. Unlike everyone else there. (GIGGLING) Selma Bouvier, this man is not your husband. And for that, no adoption! Mama!

The truth must be told.

- Maybe I should just move back to Alabama. - No.

My name is Otto. I love to get blotto. My name is Hans. Drinking has ruined my life. I'm 31 years old. My name is Homer, and I'm just here because the court made me come.

Ooh, boy, Flipsy! You and I are going on a road trip. Whoa! Ha-ha.

Oh. Sorry. I'm a little nervous.

Thank you for coming. I'll see you in hell.

A storm is coming! I feel it in my bone! Mesdames et messieurs, it appears the Cloud Goddess is ripe with rain babies. We must run for our trucks!

Hi, little fella. I got some nice juicy flies for you. Geez, Louise. Look at this mess. I told that boy a billion times to pick up his jun--

People of Springfield, Whacking Day is a sham. It was started in 1924 as an excuse to beat up the Irish.

The economic slump began last spring, when the government closed Fort Springfield, devastating the city's liquor and prostitution industries.

They called me old-fashioned for teaching "duck and cover" but who's laughing now?

by outracing his zeppelin. 1968, Mexico City. Bob Beamon shatters the world long jump record. Ow!

Step one: steal all the doormats in town. Hit the road, "Welcome Home"! Adios, "Casa de Flanders"! See ya in hell, "God Bless This House." So long, "The Simpsons"! D'oh!

I rolled up all the socks. What's next? - While I deal with this, why don't you start on that basket? - All right. Ohh! I hate folding sheets. That's your underwear. Well, whatever it is, it's a two-man job. Where's Bart? He's up in his room. Bart!

Anybody? Okay. That's okay. Because making a happy home isn't like flipping on a light switch. Duh, light switch? There are tricks to it, things you should have learned a long time ago, such as, if you leave milk out, it can go sour. Put it in the refrigerator, or, failing that, a cool, wet sack.

Sorry. Here is an ordinary square. Whoa! Whoa! Slow down, egghead. But suppose we extend the square beyond the two dimensions of our universe... along the hypothetical "Z" axis there. This forms...

Release the dogs. Gee, they look pretty mad. Yeah, I've been starvin' 'em, teasin' 'em, singing off-key. No! Nice doggy.

I asked my mother What will I be Will I be pretty Will I be rich Here's what she said to me

You don't want him to get a lobotomy, do you? Hmm... lobotomy. That's all right, son. There's probably a downside I don't see.

That's the spirit. Never give up. Well, I guess you're pretty impressed, huh, Bart? My dad got Krusty the Clown to personally appear at my party. Mmm, I got a feeling I could get him to appear at my house. Oh, I don't know, Bart. My dad's a pretty big wheel down at the cracker factory.

Whoo-hoo. Go, S.U.! A&M is gonna kick your ivy-covered butts. Yeah? Well, you went to a cow college. Oh, you're only calling us a cow college 'cause we were founded by a cow.

Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer Had a very shiny nose And if you ever saw it You would even say it glows Like a light bulb ! Bart ! All of the other reindeer Used to laugh and call him names Like Shnozzola ! Lisa !

Shut up! Shut up!

(GRUNTS) Lisa, what are you doing in there? Praying to Buddha, Jesus, SpongeBob. There's no time to be picky. Perhaps we should help. Screw her! (LAUGHS)

Oh, Bart, that's so sweet.

Here, kids. I guess you deserve this. Let's go. I guess nobody likes the truth, huh, Grampa? Nope. I'll never watch an awards show again. Unless that delightful Billy Crystal's involved. Marge! I passed!

I want to tack on a rider to that bill. Thirty million dollars of taxpayer money to support the perverted arts. All in favor of the amended Springfield/"Prevert" bill? Bill defeated. I've said it before and I'll say it again, democracy simply doesn't work.

and star of a Disney Channel movie.

But, Constance, it only happened because-- Hey, hey! If I want a cock-and-bull story, I'll read Hemingway. Don't be mad at Homer. I was the one who cut the rope. Are you threatening me with that knife? No! Wait! I'm to blame, Judge. You see, I was pressuring my wife to make love in front of our son.

Andy Williams! We don't need to stop here. Yes, we do!

And one of the campers was eaten by a bear. Oh, my God! Well, actually, the bear just ate his hat. Was it a nice hat? - Oh, yeah. - Oh, my God!

Spare my family. Take me. Take me. Hmm? Brains! Brains! Brains! Brains!

Pish-posh. It will be like taking candy from a baby. Say, that sounds like a "larf." Let's try it right now. Eh, oh, there's some candy right here, sir. - Why don't we eat this instead of stealing? - Oh, very well.

Lookin' for a good time, sailor? I certainly am. No, you're not! He's really not.

Dang! That was my last quarterback. Now what am I gonna do? You! Me? Yeah, you. Get your hand off my wife's leg. Sorry.

Catch you on the flip side, "dudemeisters." Not! Hey, kids, always recycle... to the extreme! Busted!

(ALL CHEERING) I don't understand. After all the corruption and deceit we witnessed, how can everyone just party? Lisa, the world is a very complicated place. And when you get right down to it... Cannonball!

Stop the clapping! You'll kill us all! Lisa's gone berserk. Do something, Homer. Do something!

The king of splatter, Tom Savini! Good evening.

Baby, baby, baby, baby-

Never! It was a gift from Newsweek! Homer! Give me back my wife! Okay. Okay. You win.

That was a nice film I had once. Last time I try to impress a four-year-old. Well, see ya, kid.

That's according to a national survey ranking Springfield... as the least popular city in America. In science-- dead last. I'm telling you people. The Earth revolves around the Sun! Burn him! What a story! You've stolen my soul!

What the hell is that?

What were their names? Dennis, Brianna, Mavis, Brad--

I learned to read because of you, Principal Skinner. Sir, I baked you these raisin roundies. Principal Skinner, I got carsick in your office.

Not the swear jar! It's the only thing holding back the filth! Nutty fudgkins!

Come here. Shh. Where are we going ?

I spent the next three years in a P.O.W. camp, forced to subsist on a thin stew made of fish, vegetables, prawns, coconut milk and four kinds of rice. I came close to madness trying to find it here in the States, but they just can't get the spices right. Uh, my punishment? Hmm? Oh, I'm gonna have to think about that.

For the love of God, sir! There are two seats! I like to put my feet up.

Here comes something. Remember the story. We're newlyweds on our way to Earth capital. Oh, shazbatt!

"Loud"? That's our secret word for the day! Oh, my God! Baah!

Ohh! Oh! Whoa! What are you doing? I can't help it. It's the shoes. Nobody upstages Little Vicki.

ts a dangerous life being a hall monitor. When you leave home in the morning... you may be kissing your dolls good-bye for the last time. My sash says "Ultraman." I think weve seen enough.

Homer, Homer, you'll be a great manager. There's only one thing you need. This is made from a space-age fabric... developed especially for Elvis. Sweat actually cleans this suit. Hmm.

People of Springfield, Whacking Day is a sham. It was started in 1924 as an excuse to beat up the Irish. 'Tis true. I took many a lump. But 'twas all in good fun.

And I sees this real strange bloke. Uh-huh. Out of sorts. Mad in the eyes. All kettles and biscuits. Right. Well, he seen I was looking at him... Mmm-hmm. ...and he drops this and runs. Cor, blimey, skip to me loo. Good Lord! I'm afraid this case is beyond even your powers, little girl. I'll take that challenge, Inspector.

Things like the following half hour. Nothing seems to bother my kids. But tonight's show, which I totally wash my hands of, is really scary. If you have sensitive children, maybe you should tuck them into bed early tonight... instead of writing us angry letters tomorrow. Thanks for your attention.

I can't see me lovin' nobody but you For all my life

Why do birds Ugh. GrOSS. Suddenly-- Ahh ! Some people call me a space cowboy - Yeah - Yeah Some call me the gangster of love Some people call me Maurice

Freeze! F.B.I. The jig is up. All right, I admit it. I am the Lindbergh baby. Waah! Waah! Goo, goo. I miss my fly-fly dada. Are you trying to stall us, or are you just senile? A little from column "A," a little from column "B."

I sentence you to death!

All for Silas. All for Silas.

Shh! Save me, jebus!

Attention. This is an emergency broadcast. All is well in the school. My authority as principal is total--

It's time for the main course! Back to class, lad. Nothin' to see here.

Santa's Little Helper? Guess I was the only one who loved him. You got that right! Remember the time he ate my goldfish, and you lied to me and said I never had any goldfish? But why did I have the bowl, Bart? Why did I have the bowl? Yeah. He was a great dog.

What the hell is that? It looks like a sturgeon. But where did it come from?

You don't understand. I don't belong there. The other girls are already into fashion and makeup and dating. They make me feel like a little baby. Oh, honey. A baby couldn't have organized a big school dance...

Do you know what today is? Today? Yes, of course I do! Happy birthday to you, happy... It not my birthday, Seymour. You know I'm a Sagittarius. Really? I'm a Libra. There's a lot of compatibility there. Skinner, be gay on your own time.

The Moody Blues! Cold-hearted Homer, ditching his wife, while ancient Ned runs for his life. Chips of red and blue and white, but we decide which-- Can the poems. It's ass-whooping time. I want fatty.

That's preposterous. Now get out.

Marge, kids. Have you people forgotten our little competition? Last one in the cabin is fired. You're fired, Lenny. Aw, nuts!

But tonight I say we must move forward, not backward, upward, not forward... and always twirling, twirling, twirling towards freedom!

Mmm. (CHUCKLES) We British sure eat crap. (IN COCKNEY ACCENT) Inspector, might I have a word with you? Absolutely. (GAGGING) Get back down there, you! (GRUNTING) You were saying? Well, it's like this. I'm a proper Cockney flower girl, I am.

Oh! Diablo Canyon 2, why can't you be more like Diablo Canyon 1?

"Put food in me." I'll take that.

Whew. Superintendent, I hope you're ready for mouthwatering hamburgers. I thought we were having steamed clams. D'oh, no. I said steamed hams. That's what I call hamburgers.

Lucky for you, this stuff doesn't work.

Hey! Attention. While you've been showering here, I sold all your clothes. (ALL GROAN) Again? I've run out of pie-related puns! (ALL LAUGHING)

I thought we fooled them with our Cher-crow. J Gypsies, tramps and thievesJ J We'd hear it from the people JJ Are you aware that your daughter's gay? - Boy, those guys are such leeches. - Moe, what are you doing here? Cant your old buddy Moe stop by with a list of questions from the Weekly World News?

Oh, I got one! How do you make a King Lear? Put the queen in a bikini! Here's another one. "Knock knock." "Who's there?" "juliet." "juliet who?" Juliet so much pasta fazool, Romeo doesn't want her anymore!

Why, look, it's my celebrity neighbor Elliott Gould! Your monkey bit my kid again! Well, if he would stop wearing the banana suntan lcytion- Say hello to Bob- and Carol and Ted and Alice- Oh, that's it, Gould! And you keep your lousy dog off my lawn!

You light up my - our song. Life I bet the guy she was singing that about was real happy. Actually, she was singing about God. Oh, well, he's always happy. No, wait, he's always mad.

I think youll be pleasantly surprised.

We're not prisoners anymore. We're free! We can go anywhere we want.

Here it is, everybody--

- Oh, I hope I didn't miss the floor show. - Nope. - Is Roxanne back? - Yep. - Did she, uh, get my flowers? - She did. I-- Hello, Bart. Hello, Principal Skinner. This is the National Air and Space Museum, isn't it?

(BOTH LAUGHING) Oh, stop it, Seinfeld.

But I guess I was wrong. You are a bad father. Leave me alone.

- I'll get some hot dogs. - No foot-longs. I know. They make you uncomfortable.

Children, teachers, back to your rooms. Uh-oh. Whenever I get this upset, I get hiccups. Oh, right on cue.

He hit her again!

Oh, no, they're headed for land. - We'll never catch 'em now. - Incorrect. Look, a canal. Go, Knightboat, go! Oh, every week there's a canal. - Or an inlet. - Or a fjord. Quiet! I will not hear another word against the boat.

But where will I sleep ? My suggestion... is for you to sleep in the filth you created.

"Yvan eht nioj." They keep saying that. Wait. What was that? Uncle Sam? Let me play this backwards. Join the navy Join the navy.

Now, why do they call this a urine monkey? Uh-- Ohh. I just found out.

b-i-n-g-o B-i-n-g-o B-i-n-g-o and bingo was his name-o

What really matters is my title. I think I'll make myself... vice president. No, wait. Junior vice president.

And I wandered away from the group, married a bear... and I started up my family. I told you I aint a bear! Rawr, rawr, rawr! No one understands you, She-Bear!

Hey, tough luck, pal. You can't fight the souvenir industry. We're too powerful. Yeah, you're right. But before I go, I'm gonna give you a little souvenir of my own! Oh, what the hey.

Mom, I thought you might forget our conversation this afternoon so I took the precaution of recording it. What conversation? Mom, can Otto live in our garage? He sure can. Marge, what were you thinking? That's not my voice. Oh, everybody says that when they hear themselves on tape.

Lieutenant Smash! Yeah, that's right. Lieutenant L.T. Smash. A wig! But-- But your pant legs. How could you soil the good name of Star Blitzzz Promotions?

Five hundred dollars? Yes, well, uh-- Cool! Glad you're happy. Let's roll. I can't believe it! Five hundred bucks!

My name is Kang, - and this is my sister, Kodos. - Hello. I suppose you wanna probe me. Well, might as well get it over with. Stop! We have reached the limits of what rectal probing can teach us.

Oh, ain't that cute? Hey! Where in God's name did you learn that kind of... dancing? Whoa. Ooh. Oh, yeah.

Listen. I can take care of everything. All you have to do is un-shrink me. Un-shrink you? Well, that would require some sort of a "rebigulator," which is a concept so ridiculous it makes me want to laugh out loud and chortle, bleh-- Ah, but not at you, O Holiest of Gods, with the wrathfulness and the vengeance... and the blood rain and the "Hey, hey, hey, it hurts me."

Let 'em go. You'll stay here with me. We'll go bowling. What's bothering 'em?

Exam? Oh! This is just like one of those bad dreams! What are you gonna do, Mr. Simpson? Actually, I've been working on a plan. During the exam, I'll hide under some coats... and hope that somehow everything will work out.

Clownface, what in the name of Huntley and Brinkley do you plan to do to us? I'm just gonna take you for... a spin! Hoo! Hah! Heel Show our guests to the twirly gates!

On the good ship lollipop it's A sweet trip to A candy shop where bonbons-- I'm dreading the reviews. I can tell you that. Oh, hi, Homie.

So if you don't want to see crude, lowbrow programming disappear from the airwaves, please, call now. Hello! Murdoch here. $10,000! You've saved my network. Wouldn't be the first time.

(IN EXAGGERATED SWEDISH ACCENT)

Come on, Lenny. I need four more guys to fill my Super Bowl bus. - What do you say? - Nah. Come on! Nah. Come on! Nah. Oh, come on! Ah-- Yes! Now that Lenny's in, Carl will fall like a domino.

(RAP MUSIC PLAYING) A-blowin' reveille He's the boogie woogie bugle boy of Company B

It's brilliant. Savagely honest, tender. He has the soul of a poet. You're very kind. Excuse me. Did something crawl down your throat and die? It didn't die. My name is Barney, and I'm an alcoholic.

So long, Superman. Your secret identity is safe with me.

Oh, no! It's coming back this way! That throwing-stick stunt of yours has boomeranged on us!

The answer is no, Mr. Burns. Not for any amount of money.

There was A little Spanish flea A record star he thought he'd be he heard Of singers like beatles the chipmunks he'd seen on tv... Why not A little Spanish fleA? and so he...

What's in it? 2-4 desoxypropenuramine.

Homer, can I get you a beer?

Seamless, huh? You're fired.

God bless you. You are one of Springfield's very special creatures. Your obedient servant, Carl.

Hello. I'm retired heavyweight boxer Gerry Cooney.

Hey, Boat 28, stop splashing. What are you gonna do about it? Uh-oh. Aah! Leeches!

This radio-controlled plane gives your baby the chance to fly just like my son here. He can execute the barrel roll, the loop-the-loop and bring it in for the perfect landing. Oh, dear. My wife is going to kill me.

The TV! Stop screaming, Homer. Quit trying to control me.

There aren't any dangerous animals... in the forest, are there, Dad ? Might be a few, but don't worry. If you leave them alone, they'll leave you alone. It's a deal. And remember not to act afraid. Animals can smell fear, and they don't like it.

Smithers, coffee.

Boilin'-hot, Texas-style ginger ale! Texas!

It's The Sou-ou-oul Mass Transit System. Give it to me. El yoyÓ es grande. ¡Ay, chihuahua! As you can see, Simpson, I have taken over all 78 channels, and you won't see any of your favorite shows again until you give in!

I'm stressed because now that you've lost your license, I'm a full-time family chauffeur. Now, now, honey. We all appreciate what you do, but real chauffeurs have uniforms and licenses. You could get in a lot of trouble with the Livery Commission. To hell with the Livery Commission. Marge, you don't know what you're saying.

Oh, Mom, I've missed you so much. Oh, honey, I've missed you too. Homer, is that an old Halloween costume? Uh, no.

they tend to use lowbrow expressions like, "Oh, yeah?" and "C'mere a minute." Oh, yeah? They think they're better than us, huh? Bart, c'mere a minute!

No, Dad. Everyone's sick of that memory.

And so on. Mojo. What have they done to you? Pray for Mojo.

Even more harrowing were the events of one April afternoon. The script originally called for me to jump the gorge. But I'd been up all night paying people to kiss, so Dad volunteered to do the stunt. Everything was going great at first. I felt like I was king of the world.

Yes. This is where I come when I need some refuge from the modern world... or when I want to see drive-in movies for free.

(READING TITLES)

It's ram's blood for your godless ceremony. April Fools'! Now who's laughing? Now who's laughing? And that's the story of April Fools' Day.

Uh-oh. Ha! Wha--

he crossed that line between everyday villainy and cartoonish super-villainy. Bah! He was a rank amateur... compared to Dr. Colossus. Ow! Oh! When is my lawyer coming?

That's South Dakota.

Don't worry, kids. I'll take care of him with my trusty-- Uh, uh-- Um, uh-- Hmm.

Paper bag or triple Mylar? Uh, no, thanks. I'll just eat it here. Oh! No! What are you doing? Good, fair, poor!

So lazy and surly. Mind if I relax next to ya?

Hockey Dad rules! Feel the drunken wrath of Chuck Shadowski! Dad, stop! It's only assault. Don't make it murder! Ignore. Ignore. ANNOUNCER: You are a big man. Big man!

Wasted away again in margaritaville searching For my lost Shaker of salt Oh, here it is.

Hey, look, it's PelÉ! PelÉ is king of the soccer field. To be king of your kitchen, use Crestfield Wax Paper.

Dad, I think he's an ivory dealer. His boots are ivory. His hat is ivory. And I'm pretty sure that check is ivory. Lisa, a guy who has lots of ivory is less likely to hurt Stampy... than a guy whose ivory supplies are low.

Watching those women is giving me ideas. They made an elephant! It's hauntingly beautiful, isn't it?

Because they love you down at the plant. Yeah, you're right. Guys are always patting my bald head for luck, pinchin' my belly to hear my girlish laugh. Hmm. That doesn't sound like they like you at all. You're right. First thing tomorrow, I'm gonna punch Lenny in the back of the head.

Lisa, honey, if you really want to preserve his memory, I recommend getting a tattoo. It preserves the things you love. "Starland Vocal Band"? They suck! Death!

Is he still out there? Yes. He's raking leaves. What? That's your job! If he starts doing Lisa's wood chopping-- If he wants to make it up to you so badly, I think you should let him.

Man, this is pathetic. I'm goin' for it ! Bart, no ! No ! No ! No ! Oh, no, wait. Oh, no. Bart, don't. Don't. No !

Will you be donating that million dollars now, sir? No. I'd still prefer not.

Homie, what's wrong? I'm used to seeing people promoted ahead of me-- friends, coworkers, Tibor. I never thought it'd be my own wife. Well, maybe you'd get promoted if you worked a little harder. Are you kidding? I work like a japanese beaver.

Hello, I was wondering if you'd like to babysit my little angels. Sorry, this isn't Abbie. This is her sister. I look after her now. No, Bart, put it down. Put it down, Bart. Bart, put it down.

Spin-off! Is there any word more thrilling to the human soul? Hi, I'm Troy McClure. You may remember me from such TV spin-offs as Son of Sanford and Son and After Mannix.

Find your soul mate, Homer. Find your soul mate. Where? Where? This is just your memory. I can't give you any new information.

All right, read me back what I have so far, Mrs. Krabapatra. "Bird, bird, giant eye, pyramid, bird." Mm-hmm. Very good. Uh, giant eye, dead fish, cat head, cat head, cat head, guy doing this--

Get in the car.

Hmm! It's the Curies! We must flee! Cool.

I'm watching the road, sweetie. "You jive turkey!" See? You got to sass it. "Quit jivin' me, turkey!" You got to sass it. A turkey is a bad person.

(ALSO SPRACH ZARATHUSTRA PLAYING)

Superintendent, we made the front page today. Hmm. Now, what's that say under your hand there? Hmm? Oh, it's an unrelated article. It's an unrelated article? Mm-hmm. Within the banner headline? Yes.

The hell with this. I'm gettin' outta here! No, you fool! That elephant ate my entire platoon.

The alien has a sweet, heavenly voice, like Urkel. And he appears every Friday night... like Urkel! Well, your story is very compelling, Mr. jackass-- I mean, Simpson. So, I'll just type it up on my invisible typewriter.

What-What ? Wait. Who is this ?

Squaresville sounds pretty cool. I am a robot. Do what I say. I am a washing machine. Do what I say.

Be honest. Ah, she's always leaving the toilet seat up. Robert, if released, would you pose any threat to one Bart Simpson? Bart Simpson?

Does St. Louis still have a team? - No, they moved to Phoenix. - Oh, yeah. You know what I really hate about church? Those boring sermons. Oh, I couldn't agree more.

First of all, I'm not a robot. And second, I got this metal ass in 'Nam... defending this country for lazy jerks like you. Now what'll you have, partner? Let's see. One, two, three- Six whiskeys. All right! We only serve sarsaparilla, mac. No alcohol.

How could you be so irresponsible? I-it's my first day. Since I've never seen you before, maybe it is your first day. - Very well. Carry on. - Uh, sir, that's Homer Simpson. And he's been working here for 10 years. Oh, really! Why did you think you could lie to me? It's my first day. Well, why didn't you sa-- Oh, whoo! You're fired!

Yes. I should be-- Good Lord! What is happening in there? Aurora borealis. Uh-- Aurora borealis at this time of year... at this time of day in this part of the country... localized entirely within your kitchen?

Hey, did you hear something? No. Hmm. Did I? I don't know!

We can buy real periodic tables... instead of these promotional ones from Oscar Mayer. Who can tell me the atomic weight of "balonium?" Ooh. "Dee-licious"? Correct. I would also accept "snack-tacular."

Why, I'd be delighted to sell you some illegally smuggled goods. Fat Tony, is that you? Fat Tony? Hey, where's that voice coming from? This guy's wearin' a wire! Take him out!

Oh, Mr. Burns, we'll thaw you out... the second they discover the cure for... 17 stab wounds in the back. How are we doing, boys? Well, we're up to 15.

Just jump over there, Alec. It's not that far. Yeah, you're a big screen tough guy. Uh, gee, I'd love to, but I'm not really wearing the right shoes.

Right! Oh! Dear God, no!

Oh, there's so much I don't know about astrophysics. I wish I read that book by that wheelchair guy.

I regret nothing!

Hey, the Jewish Walk of Fame! Here, go on Sandy Koufax. I lost ten grand when he wouldn't pitch on Yom Kippur! I did five shows that night! Okay, boy. Let's find my star.

"My back is spineless. My belly is yellow. I am the American nonvoter."

It's a fairy tale.

The folks at the senior center... sure will love that peach tree we planted. I wish we could see their happy faces. Sin of pride, Roddy. I'm sorry. Sin of regret.

Bart! Time for your Sunday night bath, boy! Gotta hide.

You'd better have a good reason for doing that, boy. It makes me feel like a big man. Let me check my reason list. Yep, it's on here.

You hit her pretty hard there, Rick.

This song has been going on for hours.

Good evening, Edna. I know we were planning to see a film tonight, but instead, I'm leaving town forever.

Were you on my roof last night stealing my weather vane? This interview is over!

So. How you doin'?

with an uptown girl I buried Flanders.

Uh, do you know "Insane in the Brain"? We mostly know classical, but we could give it a shot. Now, this I like.

And that's how, with a few minor adjustments, you can turn a regular gun into five guns. Here's some more chocolate curls, gun buddies. Anyone else want a beer?

Who needs the Kwik-E-Mart I do Hey, he's not happy at all! He lied to us through song! I hate when people do that!

All right. Climb in. There's nothing to worry about. Now everyone, go to sleep. Good night. Di-da.

Remember now-- your name is Homer Thompson. I gotcha. Hello, Mr. Thompson. Now, when I say, "Hello, Mr. Thompson"... and press down on your foot, you smile and nod.

will you please rise for our national anthem, sung tonight by Springfield's rhythm and blues sensation Bleeding Gums Murphy ! Oh-h-h-h-h-h-h-h oh, say

This isn't a very happy birthday for Rex Banner.

You want this, don't you? Yeah! You need the winners, and I know them. So call me now. $5 for the first minute, $2 for additional minutes.

Homie, please, why don't you just leave town? What? And let them come after you and the kids? We could come with you. In one car? With no air conditioning? And the little poop machine going every 20 minutes?

(GASPS) (SCREAMS) Oh, another setback. (GROANING) What the Family Circus? A second premonition came to fruition.

Hey, Chief. I think that's the guy who mugged her. Yeah. Looks like she caught her own criminal... unlike the rest of you lazybones. You’re not gonna find those criminals looking at your feet, people.

I like pizza I like bagels I like hot dogs with mustard and beer I get the picture. I'll eat eggplant I could even eat a baby deer La-la-la-la-la-la La-la la-la Who's that baby deer on the lawn there Enough already! Sorry.

Mmm. Foot-long chili dog. It's a sign!

Wait. That's not how you spell "dumbening." Wait. "Dumbening" isn't even a word! I've got to find out more.

I'm not your buddy, you greedy old reptile.

Oh, poor Mark Hamill. That swarm of nerds is gonna kill him. Nerds!

How much of the hundred thou do I get? Five hundred dollars? Yes, well, uh-- Cool! Glad you're happy. Let's roll. I can't believe it! Five hundred bucks!

We're talking about sex, right?

Now, before we adjourn, gentlemen, I have one last matter of utmost importance.

Thank you very much. As you know, we've inherited quite a budget crunch from President Trump. How bad is it, Secretary Van Houten? We're broke.

Lisa, tell your mother to get off my case. Uh, Dad, Lisa's the one you're not talking to. Bart, go to your room! Why don't you just eat him, Dad? I don't need any serving suggestions from you, you barbecue-wrecking, know-nothing, know-it-all. That's it! I can't live in a house with this prehistoric carnivore! I am out of here!

- Thanks for coming. - I please to aim. I'm so happy. I just had to tell someone. I have a boyfriend.

Faucet's jammed into my back. I'm stuck. So am I. Kids! Kids! A romantic vacation can provide titillation.

Aw, that's it. You just can't insult this guy. You call him a moron, and he just sits there grinning moronally. Hi, neighbor. You know what your problem is, Flanders? You're afraid to be human. Oh, now, why would I be afraid of that? Because humans are obnoxious sometimes, humans hate things. Well, maybe a few of them do... back east.

Wait a minute. Why did it take you so long to say yes? No reason. Okay. Wait a minute. Are you humoring me? Yes. Okay. Wait a minute. That's bad!

Ow! Oh-ho-ho! Lucky I was wearing this extra large piece... of the true cross today. I think I'll go inside. What keeps doing that? I told you we should have bought more than three bullets. Let's just grab him.

Finally, some recognition.

Daddy would like a word with you, Barty. Help! Dad's trying to kill me! It's hammer time, snitchy. That's Snake's voice.

Last time I got to go backstage was when Bart ripped his pants at the Christmas play. - Mom! - Ha-ha!

"The status quo'"? Pl y, carambai That's just sad.

For the last time, get rid of those sideburns. I don't know what you think sideburns are, but-- Don't argue with me! just get rid of them!

I've gotta stop fantasizing about Lee Majors. Ah, one more.

There are tricks to it, things you should have learned a long time ago, such as, if you leave milk out, it can go sour. Put it in the refrigerator, or, failing that, a cool, wet sack. And put your garbage in a garbage can, people. I can't stress that enough. Don't just throw it out the window.

I was just sa-- One moment, please! Who do they think I am, some stupid Aussie drongo? Bleedin' Yanks. I oughta-- - This is Bart Simpson. Can I help you, ma'am? - Hey! My name is Bruno Drundridge, right? You owe me $900, mate! No, you owe me $900!

I think Lisa's right, Dad. Eating meat is ba-a-a-ad. Hey, that's my chop!

Yeah! SpriNgfield, springfield it's A hell of a town the School yard's up and The shopping mall's down the stray dogs go to the animal pound spriNgfield, Springfield springfiEld springfield new york, new york new york is thataway, man. Thanks, kid.

Not a single microbe can get in or out. Who the devil are you? Don't panic. just come up with a good story. My name is Mr. Burns. D'oh!

I hate it so much! I spit on it! Yo, boy, this class is tight. You go from "sloppa" to "proppa." Cool. Welcome to my etiquette class: The Proper Young Man. But the black man said--

My wife's having a girls' night out.

"Best before November 1959." Damn it, Bob! There were plenty of brand-new bombs. But you had to go for that retro '50s charm.

Mr. Silas, this young lady's flashing her privates. Oh! Well, I'll dispose of this! All for Silas. All for Silas.

You see, it turns out I am an American citizen after all. Apparently, I just plumb forgot about it. Say, let's take a relaxed attitude toward work and watch the baseball match. The "Ny" Mets are my favorite squadron.

J You’re a brand-new muscle car and all the wheels are mag J J You make me feel as young as the blood I get from sheepJ J You’re like Jacqueline BissetJ J In me favorite film The Deep J J You’re sexy and exotic J J Like a hooker from BelizeJ

love you you darling, I love you ooh, oh-oh

And, um, I'll just, uh, get us started. Uh, we'll need that to live.

I'm facing a crisis, and I didn't know to whom to turn. All right. Mother's gone too far. She's put cardboard over her half of the television. We rented Man Without a Face. I didn't even know he had a problem! What should I do? Well, maybe you should read your Bible.

You'll have to shut down the mall. On President's Day weekend? Are you crazy? Crazy with concern for the public, yes. Now shut this place down before the old folks come in for their morning walk.

One more time! Oh, come on, Lisa. I got a date with Billie Holiday.

Team Discovery Channel! Your wussiness better come in handy.

just buy it. You don't have to rationalize everything. Hmm. All right, I will buy it! It'll be good for the economy.

Don't worry. Being eaten by a crocodile... is just like going to sleep... in a giant blender. Wonder where this river goes. I've got a map. Monkey. Now, according to animal crackers, there's no river here. Eh-- Stay in the boat, Homer.

Oh, that was the worst movie I've ever seen.

You will get wet.

There's someone out there in Krustyland who has committed an atrocity.

ow, ooh. ow, ooh. Ow, ooh. Whoa! Oy! That's gotta hurt!

All right. Here you go. Red Tick Beer. Hmm. Bold, refreshing... and something I can't quite put my finger on. Hmm. Needs more dog.

Oh, look at him sleeping. He's like a little angel that killed 50 million people. Yes, you are! Yes, you are!

Look, John, you seem like a perfectly nice guy and all. just stay the hell away from my family! Well, now you don't get any candy. No, that's cruel. Take a teensy piece. No.

Ah, but only Batman fits in my Batmobile. Are you nuts? The Thing fits in there perfectly. Look. He's fitting right now.

Twinkle, twinkle, groovy cat. How I wonder where you at. I really love the way you cook. just like me when I wrote this book. How to Make Love to Steve Allen, from the author of Happiness is a Naked Steve Allen, journey to the Center of Steve Allen, and The joy of Cooking Steve Allen.

Sir Ian McKellen! You're my favorite Shakespearean actor. Thank you, my dear. Please take these free tickets to my play. What? What play? We thespians believe it's bad luck to mention the name of this particular play out loud.

Too bad. You ain't gettin' it ! Not since this reporter's marriage to Stephanie the weather lady... has this town been so consumed with rumor and innuendo. All because of this man. Today, one Abraham "Grampa" Simpson... announced that he would give away over $100,000...

I'm not sure I should go. I don't even like him. You're right, Lise. You shouldn't go. It wouldn't be honest. I'll go, disguised as you. What if he wants to hold hands? I'm prepared to make that sacrifice. - What if he wants a kiss? - I'm prepared to make that sacrifice. What if he-- You don't wanna know how far I'll go.

Lemonade ? Please. I made it just for you. You are my best friend.

Oh, yeah? What have they ever done for you? When was the last time Barbra Streisand cleaned out your garage? And when it's time to do the dishes, where's Ray Bolger? I'll tell ya. Ray Bolger is lookin' out for Ray Bolger!

You're here to see me, right? Of course.

Oh, no. Inside the evil Bartron... is a horrible, mutant boy! We'll be safe here till Mom and Dad... The evil overlords, get home. As wacky as those kids were, they were no match for Captain Wacky, later renamed "Homer."

I'll go get him right now. Car keys! Car keys! Car keys! Stop pushing me! What's going on? just enjoy the movie. It has Tom Berenger.

If some snot-nosed little kid sent me to prison... the first thing out I'd find out where he lives... and tear him a new belly-button. Lousy snitch. Yaah!

Yeah. By you! Groundskeeper Willie! Um, uh, so you're the immigrant I'm here to help. Help? You destroyed my house... and reduced me to livin' in a dump. Groundskeeper Willie, furious with the government that let him down. I'm Bart Simp--

Marge Simpson? ts Ruth. Ruth Powers. Ruth Powers? My old neighbor? Oh, my goodness. Look at you. I got this body in prison. l was Miss Mexican Mafia three years in a row. Wow.

When I grow up, I wanna be a lardo on workmen's comp, just like Dad. I wash myself with a rag on a stick. Whoo-ooh-ooh. Euw!

Bart! What in the name of high school football?

even if you children aren't interested.

These checks keep coming-- It's criminal. You dirty bast..!

What country is this car from? It no longer exists, but take her for a test-drive and you'll agree-- Put it in "H." Kids, if we buy a new car, we get our parking validated for free.

LISA: It's a media circus. Woo-hoo! The circus! A media circus. Woo-hoo! I don't know the difference. LISA: ABC, CBS. Uh-oh. The Christian Science Monitor has a flat tire. I'll get the spare.

Dimoxinil ! Whoo-hoo !

J Oh, yeah, Weird A/ had fan on this showJ

All right! Yeah! Cool concert. Am I right?

Funny story, Kent. It's the end of the world! God loves you! He's gonna kill you!

there's no structure I have been to which I'd rather call my home. Hello.

Now, Marge, you're gonna hear a lot of crazy talk about Bart working in a burlesque house. "Maison Derriere"? I can't believe there's a place like that in our wholesome little town. Homer, did you know it was a burlesque house when you sent Bart to work there?

Everyone knows you're the future of this family. That's not true, Bart. Mom and Dad value us equally and... Ah, you're right. Okay, go ahead.

You don't understand. I don't belong there. The other girls are already into fashion and makeup and dating. They make me feel like a little baby.

Ooh ! Gross ! Yet strangely compelling. - Huh ? - It's a raid ! What the-- YOu-- Hey, you ! I know you ! Come back here ! Bart ! You promised me you wouldn't watch that trash. Now go to your room !

If I were a truant boy out for a good time, I'd be right here-- the Springfield Natural History Museum. You're mine, Simpson.

I'll get you, you fat lunatic! Uh-oh.

Come on, lefties. What did I tell you? Homer? It's all here, and it's all backwards. That's right.

That Yodel was so good. I wish I was eatin' it right now. Oh, crap! I forgot!

"Helms calls for doughnut tax."

He's hurt. Go, go, gol

I don't know if I can do that. It's remarkably easy.

Some folk'll never eat a skunk but then again Some folk'll Like Cletus the Slack-jawed Yokel

There's more than one way to get high, baby.

Earth is now ripe for the plucking.

(GRUNTS) Butt on bowl, little man! (BOTH STRUGGLING) Hey, my pants aren't down! It doesn't matter! Ee-yow! (LAUGHING) Why you little...

How's my special little guy?

The tube would go in easier with Some sort of lubricant... like linseed oil or Dr. Shumway's-- Shh! I'm sorry.

These mallet things are padded with foam rubber. What's the point ? They'd work much better without the padding, Doc. No, no. That's not true. Ah ! Give me that. See ? Yes, well, that concludes this portion of our treatment.

You see, folks? We're all trying to please someone else. And as soon as you're not a human being, you're a human doing. Then what comes next? A human going!

you're my only friend. What was that about?

After all, we are from the land of chocolate. Mmm... the land of chocolate!

But why would the advisory board give us bad advice? No sugar! Thank you, but we're not allowed. Ah, it's okay. There's no sugar in pixie sticks. - Trust me. - Okay. Hmm. Don't hog it all, smelly head! Go to hell, zit face!

Wherever my soul mate is, it's not here.

Ow! Ow! Ow! What the hell is wrong with you? Gee! Sorry! It's a pretty standard stunt, Homer.

I'm Rupert Murdoch, the billionaire tyrant. And this is my skybox. If you're Rupert Murdoch, prove it. Hi, Rupert! Uh-oh. Well, I'm convinced.

Look, Bart, I have to practice my saxophone, and you can't stop me. Oh, yeah? My dear Lisa, you are eight, and I am 10. And in my two extra years on this planet, I've learned a few tricks. Gimme that sax! No! - I said gimme! - I said no! - Gimme it. Gimme, gimme, gimme! - No! No, no, no!

How low can I go!

Well, I don't think they're gonna be that easy to lose. These are professional lawmen and-- Oh, my God! It just disappeared. It's a ghost car! There are ghost cars all over these highways, you know. - Hold me. - Only if you hold me.

Ho... mer Simp... son. Okay, that was a little strange. Um, tell me, how you feeling today? Homer... Simpson. Homer. D'oh, Simpson. Hmm, that seems to be all you can say. When you were in that coma, did you feel your brain getting damaged?

just let your head flop back and forth. Your neck is a well-cooked piece of asparagus.

What if I talk like this? What if I sing to you? I gave my love A chicken it had no bone Mmm, chicken. So then, "mono" means "one,"

Ooh! There's Ross Perot. Dr. Laura. Spike Lee. Wait a minute. They're not so great. Okay. But there's Dan Quayle and Courtney Love. Tonya Harding! Al Sharpton! Tom Arnold! What the hell's going on?

Mrs. Simpson, do you know what a baby's saying when she reaches for a bottle? "Ba-ba?" She's saying, "I am a leech." Our aim here is to develop the bottle within.

Well, sir, "treason season" started early this year, as a nuclear sub was hijacked by local man Homer Simpson. Oh, my God! I told him that photo would come back to haunt him.

Please don't make me retire. My job is the only thing that keeps me alive. I never married, and my dog is dead.

What in the name of high school football?

Oh! All right. All right. You win for now, but someday you'll rust! Rust, I tell ya! Dad. Dad?

You call that saying grace?

Can't buy me love love can't buy me love oh

A nonprofit organization with oil? I won't allow it! An oil well doesn't belong in the hands of Betsy Bleeding Heart and Maynard G. Muskievote. Sir, have you had enough... e-e-exercise for this morning? No.

Your education is important. Roman numerals, et cetera. Whatever. I tried.

I'll mace you good!

Oh, there's so little left. "Creamed Eels"? "Corn Nog"? "Wadded Beef."

Hans Moleman Productions presents... Man Getting Hit by Football. Ooh!

And now, without further Apu. I have been zinged and I love it. The last angry clown, the man who spews truth from every orifice,

Yeah, but I should have no problem selling a thousand springs. To who? Idiots. Ooh! These are fun. Oh, Rhett! Rhett! Oh, Rhett. Where will I go? What'll I do? Frankly, my dear--

Throw it, don't aim it. This is my park. Get out! It was worth it.

we sell the parts off Jason Bateman's Bentley. What did you do to my car?

Kent Brockman high above Montgomery Burns State Penitentiary, where our expensive Thermocam 3000 is finally being used for something. This red glow is the heat from a pack of inmates who are desperately looking for prison snitch, Homer Simpson, this massive blob over here, who is attempting to hide in the kitchen area. Good luck, blobby.

The only other college in 50 miles is Springfield A&M, so they're our best target. Those bastards. Meet Sir Oinkcelot, the beloved mascot of Springfield A&M.

Sorry, Rosarita. I got to get to my birthday party. Farewell, SeÑor Bart.

He's like a riddle wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a vest.

You there, boy! What day is this? Today, sir? Why, it's Christmas Day.

Spinal Tap kicking Moammar Khadafy in the butt. A timeless classic.

Look! Ralph Wiggum lost his shin guard!

I think that guy's a spy. Of course he's a spy. You just saw him go through spy school. Oh, wait. I heard how this ends. Turns out the secret code was the same nursery rhyme he told his daughter. It's pretty obvious if you think about it.

- Skinner! - What? What?

I want to register to run for sanitation commissioner. And tell the fat cats upstairs things are gonna change in this town! Okay. But this is where you register as a sex offender. Ah, geez, there's always a line.

Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Where did you get that brownie? There's a big pile of 'em.

Lisa, knock off that racket! But, Dad, I'm supposed to practice an hour a day. I'll practice you!

Oh, Margie, you came and you found me a turkey On my vacation away from workie

Shh! Oh, Why'd you have to shush? You ruined the whole show!

Hmm. Young man, there's nothing funny about novelties. I mean, they're humorous and all, but, uh, this is certainly no laughing matter.

Yes. I should be-- Good Lord! What is happening in there? Aurora borealis. Uh-- Aurora borealis at this time of year... at this time of day in this part of the country... localized entirely within your kitchen? Yes. May I see it? No.

No, I represent a japanese camera company. We'd like to pay you two million dollars to do a camera commercial. Whoa! Me rikey velly much! Oh, I hope I didn't offend you. I need this bad. Bad enough to hit yourself over the head with the phone? Oh! You got it! Ow!

Net profit to me, negative $59. Oh, oh, please take my $59. I don't want it. It's yours. Eh, eh, eh! Seeing as we are unfamiliar with sarcasm, I shall close the register at this point and state that 99 cents is the rental price. Oh, then may I please rent it, please?

Come back here! Oh, it's no use.

No ! Homer, do you know why I gave you this job ? 'Cause you think I'm a genius ? No, I don't think you're a genius. 'Cause you think I'm dynamic ? I don't think you're dynamic. You think I work well with others ? No, no, no, no, no. Homer, I gave you this job because you're an average schmo.

Can I take your order? Nothing for me today. I've got a class to teach. Sir, it's a felony to tease the order box.

Bart, your mortal enemy is on the radio! It's time for more deeee-mentia with Dr. Demento! - Aah! - And now, the Funny Five-- I meant your other mortal enemy, Sideshow Bob.

I know one person who believes you're the Pie Man, Homie. Me. I've known it all along. Was it the kiss? No. It was clearly you in that suit. You'd have to be an idiot not to see it from the start.

Okay, Nelson, put up your dukes ! Whaa ! Yikes ! Uh-uh-uh ! Ha, ha, ha ! Ha, ha, ha !

At least I'd like to. You probably should have researched this first, eh, Dad? What about you? Well, sir, I step in front of cars and sue the drivers. I beg celebrities for money. I'm a prison snitch. jug band manager. My legs hurt.

Hey, kids, look what you can win in the Krusty Sweepstakes. To enter, send me your parents' brains, or write "Parents' Brains" on a three-by-five card and send it to--

Now, Mr. Simpson, is it possible you’re living a double or triple life... that your wife doesnt know about? Triple? No. Definitely no. You have to do something to protect my husband. Where on my badge does it say anything about protecting people? Second word, Chief. Thanks, Princeton Pete.

"This year, give her English muffins." Whatever you say, Mr. Billboard!

Well, Seymour, I make superintendent money,

and kicked me out of the club. Wait, wait, wait. Back up a bit now.

I do not-- I do not think-- No. We need a name that's witty at first, but seems less funny each time you hear it. How about the Be Sharps? Perfect. The Be Sharps.

Enslave humanity, will ya?! Run, Kodos!

Ivana Tinkle? I'm a stupid moron with an ugly face and a big butt,

- I surrender. - Not so fast. That's what I call breakneck speed. Mom, a man just died.

I didn't think it would burn so fast. I guess it's the tissue paper inside. Miss Bouvier. I am surprised. You just bought yourself one day of detention. You know where and when. Well, no, I don't. Actually, I've never really-- 3:00, old building, room 106.

we have a special treat for you. Uh, it's beautiful.

As you know, we've inherited quite a budget crunch from President Trump. How bad is it, Secretary Van Houten? We're broke.

(SINISTER LAUGHTER) Daddy, I had the craziest dream. Ralphie, you're still in it. Whee!

"You will find happiness with a new love." Oh, even the Chinese are against me. What's the point? I can't fight fate. Hey, we're out of these "new love" cookies.

ALL: ...two, one! (BEEPING) Goodbye, stupid Earth!

Aw, no! The corn! Paul Newman's gonna have my legs broke.

Nineteen. Hit me. Twenty. Hit me. - Twenty-one. - Hit me. - Twenty-two. - D'oh!

Bart's teacher is named Krabappel? I've been calling her Crandall. Why didn't someone tell me? Oh, I've been making an idiot out of myself!

Yeah, right. Son, I'm gonna teach you a lesson. I'm going to stand here and watch you smoke every one of those cigarettes.

Slow down, you sidewalk-surfin' cube-gleamers!

Springtime fresh, winter white. What could be better? Oh, man, I really gotta-- NO-O-o!

All right, here's the 411, folks. Say some gangsta is dissin' your fly girl.

Don't panic. just come up with a good story. My name is Mr. Burns. D'oh! We need a cure! We need a cure!

Ay. Que dÍa miserable a trabajo. Primero, el ataque del "woodpeckero" loco.

And this is for shooting down police helicopters. Oh, I don't need anything like that... yet. just give me my gun. Sorry. The law requires a five-day waiting period. We've got to run a background check. Five days? But I'm mad now! I'd kill you if I had my gun!

World War I? I fought in that! Course, to enlist I had to lie about my age.

I feel like such a free spirit, and I'm really enjoying this so-called "iced cream." Sir, in the spirit of the festival and everything, i-i'd just like to say that-- - I... love you. - Hmm? In those colors!

Hey, mouse. Say "Cheese." With a dry, cool wit like that, I could be an action hero. Die, bad robots! Die!

Everyone who counts loves Ned Flanders

(SNORING) Z-Z-Z-Z-Z-Z-Z... (SNORING) Z-Z-Z-Z-Z-Z-Z...

Smithers, for attempting to kill me, I'm giving you a five percent pay cut. Ohh! But, of course, for that ending to work, you would have to ignore all the Simpson D.N.A. evidence. And that would be downright nutty.

Oh, I'm afraid this problem goes far beyond Eugene and Rusty.

No tricks, boy. I said I'm gonna punish you.

- Ow! - Ow, that hurts!

Hey, the lamp's running away. That's my dog, man. So long, lamp. Now, stop loafing and help your grampa unpack.

Everyone is saying "Gabbo this" and "Gabbo that," but no one is saying "worship this" and "jericho that." What's this about Gabbo?

that your dreams will go unfulfilled. Uh-oh. You're busted, Dad.

f Female Announcer] Howdy, partners. My name is Sheriff- f Homer's Voice f Lisa Simpson. f A nnouncer] i sure am hungry for my favorite food- f Homer's Voice] McNuggets. I dont like McNuggets. I'm a vegetarian. Still? Then you’re not gonna like your other present.

I don't know. Fish sandwich. Are you sure?

Will soon be turning Red La la-la la-la la la la la-la la-la la-la la la-la-la BeCause I'm free nothin's worryin'

What's this? Melon rinds, panty hose, a term paper from Texas Tech? Simpson, do you know anything about--

Come on! Come on! Leave me alone! Ow! Look at me. I'm Angry Dad! Ow! Ow!

(ORCHESTRAL MUSIC STARTING) Oh, beautiful for spacious skies For amber waves of grain

Look at me! I'm the prime minister of Ireland!

Oh, my God! Mr. Burns is dead! Why do the good always die so young? You almost killed me! Please, sir. You'll catch-- cold.

Hey, Mrs. K.! Oh, Arthur!

"I can't go to prison, Monty. They'll eat me alive!"

Goodness ! Up-up-up-up-up. Don't answer me now. Relax. Talk it over with the missus. Soak in the opulence of your surroundings... and dream of what might be. Smithers, let's go powder my nose. Well, Marge, what do you think ? Mmm, I don't know.

Wait a minute. This sounds like rock and/or roll.

Attention. This is an emergency broadcast. All is well in the school. My authority as principal is total-- Give me that! Attention, teachers. We're on strike!

Hey, I smell cake. Cake that says-- "Farewell" and-- "Best Wishes!" Your old man has an awesome nose. Oh, that's nothing. He can hear pudding.

But there were bigger problems offscreen. After judging a Miss Hawaiian Tropic beauty contest... at the Sheraton Hali'a Kalua Le'a, Bart created a ruckus on a Hawaiian Airline jet, attacking several flight attendants. While he was in rehab, the part of Bart Simpson was played...

Hey, get away from that! Leave him alone! It said I was gay! You all right, Grampa? Oh, daiSy, dais--

I'm just going to call the suicide hotline now. (BEEPS) And they've blocked my number. Oh, God! (SOBBING)

Who'd have thought it ? A free ticket to a big-league park, but I was too tense to enjoy the game. Every ounce of concentration I possessed was focused on the task at hand. Red hots ! Get your red hots here ! Mmm. Red hots. Ladies and gentlemen, Capital City's newest sensation, Dancin' Homer !

Huh? Oh, no. The train! D'oh! I gotta find another way to wreck Moe's car.

You know what's great about you English? Octopussy. Man, I must have seen that movie... twice.

- You grabbed me in the car! - Oh, that.

Go back to Massachusetts, pinko!

Ohh. English side ruined! Must use French instructions! "Le grille"? What the hell is that?

Secondly, instead of beer, you will all drink this. It's a brain and nerve tonic rich in proteins and electromagnetic juices. It promotes robust health. It has been known to cause gigantism but only in rare cases. Try some. It's like there's a party in my mouth and everyone's invited. Excellent.

Leonard what's-his-name Herman Munster motorcade Birthday party, Cheetos pogo sticks and lemonade You symbiotic stupid jerk That's right, Flanders I am talking about you How did you get R.E.M. to play in your garage?

Nobody wants to hear the nonsensical ravings of a loudmouthed malcontent. Well, we'll see about that! Hey!

See where it says "Void, void, void" and "This is not a check"? "Cash value 1/20th of a cent." - "Mr. Banker, do not honor." - Shut up. I had a feeling it was too good to be true. Every time you get a million dollars, something queers the deal. I don't think real checks have exclamation points.

"To start, press any key." Where's the "Any" key? I see "Esk," "Catarol," and "pig Up." There doesn't seem to be any "Any" key. Whew! All this computer hacking is making me thirsty. I think I'll order a Tab. Oop. No time for that now. The computer's starting.

Will someone remove that crazy man, please? No. No. He's-- He's not crazy. It's true. I'm-- I'm... an impostor. That man is the real Seymour Skinner.

here's our grand marshal, the Prophet of Love, Larry White. - Barry White. - No. It says here Larry White. I know my own name. Yeah? Well, we'll see. Ladies and gentlemen, my unlimited love to y'all.

Oh, Son, this monkey's gonna change my life. Mind if I take him for a ride? Sure. I'll just stand here. Mmm, I can't wait to eat that monkey.

Uh, it's hard for us to leave when you're standing there, Mom. Push her down, Son.

Coming up next on BHO, - it's Arli$$. - Nah! - Nah!

And remember, if you're not sure about something, rub it against a piece of paper. If the paper turns clear, it's your window to weight gain.

All right. I have thought this through. I will send Bart the money to fly home, then I will murder him.

Well, why not? This party's just getting started! Stop the celebration! That small boy is drunk! Yea, Bart! Yea!

in laying in the middle of a public street.

Hmm. A bland, timid entry, suitable perhaps for patients recovering from surgery.

Let's just get out of here. Nothing to see here, people. just headed down to the dump with these children's letters to God.

Shh! Cobras! English - US - Line 21

Oh, get outta here, Homer. Homer? Who is Homer? My name is Guy incognito. Oh, my God! This man is my exact double!

What about me? You didn't thank me. You didn't do anything. I like being thanked.

Glove slap i don't take crap Glove slap shut your big yap A glove slap to the little ol' face Will get you Satisfaction Glove slap, baby

All right. Here's your policy.

But first, a man whose inspiring battle with Percodan addiction... is soon to be a movie of the week-- Krusty the Clown! I'll be played by jimmy Smits. Now he faces his toughest audience--

Twenty. Your move, Mr. Bond. I'll take a hit, dealer. joker. You were supposed to take those out of the deck. Oh, sorry. Here's another one. What is this card? "Rules for Draw and Stud Poker?" What a pity, Mr. Bond. But-- Well, it was Homer's fault. I didn't lose. I never lose.

Hey, I'm the chief here. Bake him away, toys. What'd you say, Chief? Do what the kid says.

Your photo ? Uh-oh. Why you little-- Why you big-- Bart, go to your room. I'm out of here. Look, Marge, honey, baby, doll, I-- Homer, I don't even want to look at you right now.

Hey, Lenny, sending some outgoing mail? You know it. - I'll probably send some tomorrow. - I hear that.

Don't push. There's plenty of tomacco for everyone.

All I have to do is follow the yellow drip road. There's our secret meeting place.

Oh, this is bad. This is really bad. You work and you slave and you steal just enough... for a sweet lick of that shiny brass ring. DOn't I get a lick? Doesn't Gil get a lick? Simpson, Homer J. Hey, put in a good word for ol' Gil, would ya?

Everyone pile on Homer's wife. J Love is a battlefields Huh? Huh? Huh? Ow! J At iastJ J Relax Don 't do itJ

We killed Itchy and Scratchy? Good riddance. Wanna go celebrate? I feel like liver and onions. Mmm.

3-6-17-18-22 and 29. Oh, no! Those are my numbers. If it wasn't for that dog, I would have won.

Iron helps us play!

Oh. I know. I heard it too. Here's some musiC.

I'll teach you to mess with my machine! I'm gonna chop you good! That cost me 35 cents! You're just making it worse! I promise I won't hurt you!

"My back is spineless. My belly is yellow. I am the American nonvoter." "Stir in two cups of checks. Sprinkle liberally with balances." "Ding, dong. The sounds of the Liberty Bell.

Thank you. (HOMER STRUGGLING) Geezer Rock, An Appreciation in Verse.

That kid can't understand where the world goes when you close the drapes.

Meet me at the tree house, Bart. And come alone.

Alex, your word is "rigged"-. as in "This contest is rigged." R-I-G-G-E-D. "Wigged." Bravo, my pet. You shall be champion-

Mom, this is no time to be conservative. Let's roll the dice here. It would be nice to beat those women at their own game. Maybe I should look into a franchise. Greetings, humans. I am Investo the Robot of the planet Opportuniac.

I don't get it. I don't get it. I don't get it. I don't get it. I... don't get it.

"And now the winner for the most-promising new series on cable-- old Starsky and Hutches." Accepting the award is the son of the guy who played Huggy Bear.

Where is everybody going? The symphony, she has just started! So? We already heard the Dum, dum, dum, dum The rest is just filler. I thought this was gonna be the soundtrack to the movie Beethoven. Was I sadly mistaken. It sounds better on my cell phone. (BEETHOVEN'S FIFTH SYMPHONY PLAYING) Don't leave now!

Oh, Abraham, calm down. I'm not here to scare you. They've got me haunting a family in Texas. Oh. Well, I'm glad you're keeping busy. Now listen, Abe. I want to know why my money isn't bringing you happiness. Oh, Bea, I'm not cut out for the high life.

We now return to the 1971 film, Good Time Slim, Uncle Doobie and the Great Frisco Freak-out, starring Troy McClure. Slim, if we've got the bag with the stolen diamonds, then what happened to the bag with our stash?

Boo! Bring on Sha Na Na! Whoa! Mellow out, Abe. Little Homer's trying to groove.

You gotta slow your car down and let me in because I'm a big fat guy and I can't go anywhere. Because there's gonna be some poison gas. There's gonna be really poison gas. Everybody's gonna be dead, especially me! D'oh!

Give it a try. It's like kissing a peanut.

(MUSIC PLAYING) (SPEAKING ALBANIAN)

Whoa ! Hey, cool, man ! Our lives have taken an odd turn.

Oh, perfume ! Whoa ! Hmm. Thank you, Bart. You're welcome, Mom. 34 years old. Time enough to start over with a new man. Someone who eats with his mouth shut. What's that, Patty ? Nothing. Finish your steak. Look at him wolf down that gristle. Mm-hmm.

I spent it on beer. Surprise, surprise. You spent $5,200 on beer?! $5,200? What are you talking about? What? I sold it all for 25 bucks!

The same joe Valachi who squealed to the Senate committee about organized crime? Benedict Arnold. The same Benedict Arnold who plotted to surrender West Point to the hated British? D'oh! I am a-so glad I had a chance to meet you... before we did this, Krusty,

And did you know the hole's only natural enemy is the pile? I can't believe you went to the movies with the teacher. What happened to the Bart Simpson who put the mothballs in the beef stew? Hey, I only hung out with Krabappel because Skinner blew her off. I've never seen her so sad.

- Hey, his pants are in our park too! - Get him!

What the hell is that? Well, that's it. We've been canceled. I think we can be proud... that we never did a bad show,

"The only exception was the embarrassingly dated humor... of Springfield's green-haired, red-nosed hack--" Yeah, yeah, yeah. "Krusty the Clown." No! They say any publicity is good publicity. You, sir, are an idiot.

Oh, honey, think pink. Look. A salute to safe sex. Ha-ha-ha.

You told our agent this place holds 30,000 people. It does. We had 30,000 here last night. Now play. The audience is gettin' restless. We want Chilly Willy! We want Chilly Willy!

No, there's no justice like angry-mob justice.

Oh, yeah. Everyone's real happy then! Do I detect a note of sarcasm? Are you kidding me? This baby is off the charts. Oh, a sarcasm detector. That's a real useful invention.

Testing. Testing! Testing!

So, come on. I need a name that says friendly, all-American cooking.

Ha, ha! April Fools'.

He's in charge of quality control. Fine. Fine. Mouse. Fine. Mouse. Rat. Fine. Syringe. Fine. Nose. Fine. Let me just say you're doin' a great job, Phil. Hey, thanks a lot. That makes it all worthwhile. Mmm! Gummi Beer.

Good-bye, Lisa. Hey, Lenny, I need to leave early. Cover for me, will ya ? Hey, sure thing, Homer.

Look. It's Internet buffoon, Angry Dad. Let's send him into one of his trademark fits. Hey, come on. Make your eyeballs explode. Stop it! The more you rock, the angrier I get! You heard the freak. Come on! Come on!

Am I ever! Then be the first family on your block... to visit Blockoland, the amusement park made entirely of Blocko brand assembly fun blocks. So, how much did you love Blockoland? It was all right, I guess.

Each Planet Springfield is filled with priceless Hollywood gewgaws. There's the coffee mug from Heartbeeps! And there's the cane from Citizen Kane! Wait a minute. There was no cane in Citizen Kane. And there's that awful script from The Cable Guy.

You better get out of my way, please. Slow down. The sidewalk's for regular walkin', not for fancy walkin'.

but I got a hankering for some--

J For nowJ J i justp J Hold goo JJ English - US - SDH

Okay, who wants dinner? Well, let's get eatin'. All right, all right. Sorry.

Smithers, dismember the corpse and send his widow a corsage. Whoo-hoo! I'm a college man! I won't need my high school diploma anymore! I am so smart I am so smart I am so smart I am so smart S-M-R-T I mean, S-M-A-R-R-T

I put my homemade football on hold and set to work making the world's greatest Bat.

Quittin' time. Let's go, Homer. We're stopping at Moe's for a Zima. Maybe I'll just stay and work overtime. My sisters-in-law are at my house again. Homer, quit wallowing in self-pity. Pull yourself together and come get drunk with us.

I like you so much. They're not for bowling, Marge. You're so naive. They are for lovemaking. Really ? Yes. Oh ! - Champagne ? - Please.

Only your death. McBain ! Ah !

She'll save the party! Honey, sit down. Have a big slice of cake! What? I'm not fat enough already? How could you say that to me? (CRYING) Lisa, wait! (GRUNTING)

Fresh Khlav Kalash! Get your Khlav Kalash!

One glazed and one Scratch-'n-Win, please. You look familiar, sir. Are you on the television or something ? Sorry, buddy. You got me confused with Fred Flintstone. Oh. Liberty Bell. Another Liberty Bell ! One more and I'm a millionaire.

Oh, hi, Bart. I'd gladly share these sweet cookies with you... if only you would help me remove this ribbon. - Here's a knife. - Oh, thank you. Now let's all share the goodness. Share this.

Skinner! I am outraged that you've kept this from me.

Oh. Me so "hungy."

Only who can prevent forest fires? You pressed "You," referring to me. That is incorrect. The correct answer is you.

There was nothing in Al Capone's vault But it wasn't Geraldo's fault D'oh! Look what I got! Now people will stop intentionally ramming our car!

I brought a bag of money in case he wants us to burn it again. I hope he tells us to burn our pants. These things are driving me nuts. So this afternoon, two suits come up to me... and ask me to endorse some new sports utility vehicle. What did you do? Don't you hate pants?

Who here reads Mary Worth? Let's move on.

Every time You are near Just like me - They long to be Ohh. Hey, would you like to go-- She's mine !

I'm Principal Sinner-- Skinner. Well, that's it. I've lost them forever. Now I'd like to introduce you to Lunch Lady Doris, who will serve you healthy, nutritious meals. Yeah, right. Ms. Phipps, the school nurse, who will provide ointments and unguents, and jimbo, the school bully,

Bart, what's wrong? You seem distracted. Oh, I was just thinking about Milhouse and Lisa. Mmm-hmm. What are you thinking about now?

You know, Smithers, I think I'll donate a million dollars to the local orphanage... when pigs fly. That's a good one. Hey-- Hey-- Wh-wha-- Will you be donating that million dollars now, sir? No. I'd still prefer not.

Well, not the boy. He drives me nuts. Sometimes I'd just like to-- Homer, you know how I feel, so it's up to you. Look in your heart. I think you'll see what you want.

Ah, sucks to the law. Stop! Leave Milhouse alone. Help me out here, Bart. I don't know, Lise. To be honest, that verdict made me pretty angry. Bart's with us, law girl. Step aside. Hey, man. Leave my sister alone!

under the supervision of the reverse-vampires--

This is Papa Bear. Put out an A.P.B. for a male suspect... driving a... car of some sort, heading in the direction of, uh, you know, that place that sells chili. Suspect is hatless. Repeat, hatless.

And what better place to premiere their creation... than on The Tracy Ullman Show-- the nation's showcase for psychiatrist jokes... and musical comedy numbers.

Are you comparing yourself to our Lord? Well, in bowling ability. Sweet bowling alley balloon, you're my only friend. What was that about? Marge, has my life peaked?

Lurleen, they loved you. I'm still a little itchy from that fiberglass hay. Is there anything you need? Well, you could make my evening complete. What's wrong?

That's my girl. You took little children to The Re-Deadening? Homer, this is a rare lapse in judgment for you. But scaring kids is good for them.

The Catholic Church-- we've made a few changes. These Super Bowl commercials are weird.

Bart, the police haven't had any luck finding the teacher's editions. The dogs have picked up the scent of books. Send in the battering ram. Here we go. We'll have to reorder every book.

Isometric exercise. Care to join me?

Hey, Maude! Look who's helping me clean the chimney. Hey. Not now. Neddie? Where have you been? Hi, Maude. Diddly. I've been having fun with my pal Homer. Diddly.

So, in conclusion, good luck on tomorrow's big final exam. Exam? Oh! This is just like one of those bad dreams! What are you gonna do, Mr. Simpson?

"Drunk Cop"- Is that you? No. Look lower. Ooh, pie.

I'm a hero! Tell them they'll live to regret this. You'll live to regret this!

We're gonna live like kings. Damn, hell, as kings.

I'm not here to blame anyone.

Checkmate, Mr. Trampoline.

Oh, I'm not the kind of magician who does tricks. I'm a mathemagician! Oh, man! Now, prepare to marvel at the mysteries of the universe, as I make this remainder-- disappear. But seven goes into 28 four times. Uh-- This is a magic seven!

Go play with Milhouse. I don't want to. You haven't made up? His mom says I'm a bad influence. Let's go throw rocks at that hornets' nest.

I'll give you two packs for that candy bar. Three. - Why, you little-- - Guard! Guard!

Ooh, yikes ! What is that ? It's the centerpiece, Bart. Well, it's taking up valuable real estate. Hey, Bart, stop it ! Move it or lose it, toots ! Mom ! Now just a minute. I'm sure there's room for both. Bart, you're wreckin' it ! Let go ! I worked forever on this !

Marge, please, old people don't need companionship. They need to be isolated and studied, so it can be determined what nutrients they have... that might be extracted for our personal use. Homer, would you please stop reading that Ross Perot pamphlet? Oh!

If we learned one thing from The Amazing Colossal Man and Grasshopperus, it's that radiation makes stuff grow real big real fast. But didn't Grasshopperus kill Chad Everett? - Only 'cause he tried to reason with him. - Oh.

These batteries have to power everything in our house! Yo, I'll tell you what I want what I really, really want What I want, what I want I'll tell you what I want I want... (TAPE SLOWS DOWN AND STOPS)

That's the last time you'll slap your Willie around.

The plant called and said if you don't come in tomorrow, don't bother coming in Monday. Whoo-hoo! Four-day weekend! Hey! I am above average. So what if Alison's ahead of me. There's no shame in being second.

Hey, Homer. You promised Mom you wouldn't wear your dress outside. Nuts to that. I'm goin' to the movies. Shouldn't you be working? I got someone to cover for me.

Do you even have a job anymore? I think it's pretty obvious that I don't!

Hmm. There it is. "Australia." I'll be damned. Look at this country! "U-R-Gay."

Come on. You try it. No. I couldn't. Yeah. Just breathe slowly and squeeze the--

Homer, sign this application and you're a Shoo-in. That dog has somebody's ham! This I gotta see! Give me that ham, you stupid dog!

Hmm? Oh. You stole my bit! YOu-- That's my bit, you-- Oh, you stole my bit! Cut! Oh, my God! He's killed the original Alfalfa! Yeah. Luckily, Alfalfa was an orphan, owned by the studio. Oh, I see. Yeah. That makes sense.

This movie you rented sucks. No, it doesn't. It's funny. Their clothes are different from my clothes.

Ready, Señor Beaveratti? I'm a-ready. And a-one, and a-two... You're the birthday You're the birthday You're the birthday boy or girl...

I just don't feel challenged. Of course we could make things more challenging, Lisa, but then the stupider students would be in here complaining, furrowing their brows in a vain attempt to understand the situation.

You're still not in your own world, Homer. I can get you home, but you have to do exactly as I-- This is indeed a disturbing universe.

Ladies and gentlemen, I've been to Vietnam, Afghanistan and Iraq, and I can say without hyperbole... that this is a million times worse than all of them put together. Burn, Krusty, burn! Burn, Krusty, burn!

I taught Paul McCartney to go "Whoo!" "Purple Rain!" Shut up! Michael Jackson just told me to shut up!

In episode 2F09, when Itchy plays Scratchy's skeleton like a xylophone, he strikes the same rib twice in succession, yet he produces two clearly different tones. I mean, what are we-- to believe that this is some sort of a-- a magic xylophone or something? Boy, I really hope somebody got fired for that blunder.

Only who can prevent forest fires? You pressed "You," referring to me. That is incorrect. The correct answer is you.

Good Lord! Bart's mooning the flag! Don't look, Buttermilk! (CROWD JEERING) How dare he? That's the flag my grandpappy rebelled against! When you insult the flag, you insult my flag tattoo!

Now, you hold Maggie. I'm going to buy some earrings at the gift shop. The subject of our first painting tonight is the most... foul, evil, vicious, diabolical beast to stalk the earth. Of course, I refer to-- The devil.

Booting? Oh, it's just a little kick in the bum. Yuh-oh.

(DOOR CHIME RINGS) Oh, brother. Why do we get all the weirdoes here at the comic book store? Comic Book Guy, don't do the crime if you can't do the key lime! (EXCLAIMING) How could this be any more humiliating?

Hello. I'm retired heavyweight boxer Gerry Cooney. Welcome to Mr. Burns's Casino. If there's anything I can do to make your visit more enjoyable, please let me know. Yeah, great. See ya! Uh, don't forget to apply for... our V.I.P. Platinum Club for special discounts on-- Hey! I said bug off!

santa's on his way Hooray, hooray Shh!

Mr. Simpson this check is dated January 1, 2054. Is there a problem with that? Our ponies start at $5,000... cash.

Don't cry for me. I'm already dead.

Marge, I don't know what this is.

Oh! Very well. Lay off... him, him, him, him-- Hmm.

This is worse than your song about Mr. T. I pity the fool who doesn't like... he.

J That's the story about Homer and MargeJ J Two folks I helped out for a nominal chargeJ J After Homer went gay they patched up their schism J J But the dude never dealt with his alcoholism) J Weird A/ sayingJ

Isn't it true that you're really an Indian? By the many arms of Vishnu, I swear it is a lie.

By now you've seen what Rancho Relaxo has to offer but remember, we can't tell you how to have a good time. You have to tell us.

Clancy, use the remote. Oh, yeah. Oh! Can we talk about Chief Wiggum? We had fame and fortune. Now all we needed was the approval of record company lowlifes.

Come on! I'll give you a piggyback ride-- Uh, oops! I mean, a veggieback ride home. Come on. Maybe I'm amazed at the way you love Me all the time or maybe I'm afraid of the way i love you

Shut up. Shut up.

Oh, Lisa, it's terrible. Okay. This dance has gone Titanic. What happened? Well, the boys and girls are, like, afraid of each other.

In this house, we obey the laws of thermodynamics!

Ooh! Ow! Ow! Ow! Mother of Mercy! Hey! This is kinda fun. Whee! Whee! Ow!

There's no detention this time, Simpson. This is the end. You are expelled from Springfield Elementary.

Ah! Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah! You idiot! You nearly drank a beaker full of sulfuric acid.

The itchy and scraTchy show Bart! Our cartoon's on TV! All right! Turn up the volume! Erosion is a slow but steady process.

Excuse me. Paul Bunyan never fought Rodan.

Hey, Dad-- We wanna go back to Springfield. What? We've got it great here. And for the first time in my life, I'm actually good at my job. My team is way ahead of the weather machine and germ warfare divisions. It's up to you, Homer. Whatever you decide, that's what we'll do.

Say, I wonder if this Homer Nixon is any relation? Unlikely, sir. They-- They spell and pronounce their name differently.

At the 1936 Berlin Games, Jesse Owens humiliates Adolph Hitler... by outracing his zeppelin. 1968, Mexico City. Bob Beamon shatters the world long jump record. Ow!

Oh, it's beautiful, Dad. It's a crane. The japanese believe they bring good luck. Oh, be careful. We need that money to get home. No!

Well, there is this one thing.

Stanley is thoughtless, violent and loud. Marge, every second you spend with this man, he is crushing your fragile spirit. You can't let that happen. Whoo-hoo! Come to papa. Marge, I'll be out in the car.

Now what? Sorry we're late. Could we have the money now? The answer is no. I'm afraid I must insist.

I have a bomb! Hey, wait a minute! Those are hot dogs! Armour Hot Dogs! What kind of man wears Armour Hot Dogs? It was a good idea, Bart. But it's just not working. just speak from the heart, Seymour.

Dr. Zaius, Dr. Zaius Dr. Zaius, Dr. Zaius Oh, Dr. Zaius Dr. Zaius, Dr. Zaius What's wrong with me I think you're crazy Want a second opinion You're also lazy Dr. Zaius, Dr. Zaius Dr. Zaius, Dr. Zaius Dr. Zaius, Dr. Zaius oh, Dr. Zaius

ANNOUNCER: Welcome back to Promiscuous Idiots Island on Fox, the home of Promiscuous Idiots. Last week on PII, our billionaire bachelor gave five lovely ladies a rose of continuation. And he hurled a rock of rejection at anyone displaying intelligence, character, or ethnicity.

Guys, I made the spare. We won. Yes! Yeah! All right! Those beers are five dollars apiece.

Fine. I'll do it myself. That was amazing, Mr. Burns!

Above the old routine

Oh, Baby what you've done to me What you've done to me you make me feel So good inside good inSide

I'm telling ya. The light would work better if it pointed out to sea! Arr! Shut up! I know what I'm doing! Arr! I hate the sea and everything in it. Bye, buh-bye, buh-bye. Thank you for choosing our church. Buh-bye.

Name, please. Certainly. I am... the, uh, piano genius from the movie Shine. Uh-huh. And your name is? Uh, Shiny McShine. Actually, he's Homer Simpson. That's Bart. I'm Lisa. Lisa Simpson? You're the ship's proofreader. Welcome aboard.

I brought you your Krusty doll. Ow! Knock it off, you bald boob! Don't make me come down there! Like to see you Fit. Why, you little...! Put a man on him.

Family, religion, friendship. These are the three demons you must slay if you wish to succeed in business. When opportunity knocks, you don't want to be driving to the maternity hospital... or sitting in some phony-baloney church. Or synagogue.

I'm peeing on the seat. Give me a raise. Now I'm returning to work without washing my hands--

Um, hello. My name is Marge Simpson, and I painted this. Maybe you'd like to know what possessed me to do it.

Silence! Here they are, the Party Posse!

Whatever Homer wants All my life, I have searched for a car that feels a certain way. Homer gets Powerful like a gorilla, yet soft and yielding like a Nerf ball. Now, at last, I have found it.

Night terrors, ma'am. Cobras!

All our children are smart. Some are just smarter than the others. Welcome to the others. (SCREAMS)

Finally, books for today's busy idiot. Network Programming for Dummies. Christianity for Dummies. Mo-- Moby Dick? "Call me Ishmael, dummy." How did you write all these books? Duh, I don't know. Me gotta go to bank now.

It's him! I bring you peace.

Milhouse likes Lisa! He does not! janie likes Milhouse! She does not! Uter likes Milhouse! Nobody likes Milhouse! Lisa, you've got detention.

Sure, he's not perfect. But who is in this workaday world? No, Mom. Wait. It's time for me to bend over and receive my destiny.

I mean, "Me so sorry."

I think I'm gonna be sick.

Okay, Marge. You hide in the abandoned amusement park. Lisa, the pet cemetery. Bart, spooky roller disco. And I'll go skinny-dipping in that lake... where the sexy teens were killed a hundred years ago tonight. Now, Flanders, I want you to--

and most of all, I need you to love me, because I love you. But how do I know I can trust you? Marge, look at me. We've been separated for a day, and I'm as dirty as a Frenchman. In another few hours I'll be dead. I can't afford to lose your trust again.

my Bologna has A second name it's h-o-m-e-r oh, I Scram! There goes the last lingering thread of my heterosexuality.

Duff McShark! Duff McShark! Duff McShark!

Mr. Blackheart? Yes, my pretty. Are you an ivory dealer? Little girl, I've had lots of jobs in my day-- whale hunter, seal clubber, president of the Fox network-- And, like most people, yeah, I've dealt a little ivory.

Oh, great. Now Hamlet's acting crazy. Well, nobody out-crazies Ophelia. Hey, nonny-nonny! With a hoo and a haw! And a nonny-nonny hey!

Stop being such babies. You can't be afraid to try new things. For instance, tonight I'm using a-- Apu, what do you call this thing again?

I don't wanna have to wash any dishes. So from now on, drink straight from the faucet or milk carton, and we'll eat while standing over the sink or toilet. - Who's gonna change Maggie? - We're gonna let her roam free in the backyard, and nature will take its course. Excuse me, but I think if we all do our fair share, we can keep this house clean.

Lisa, read about my adventures in the South Seas... and make me live again. We've got periodicals on microfiche.

My huckleberry friend moon river and me Wow! I didn't think he was gonna do "Moon River,"

Good Lord! Bart's mooning the flag! Don't look, Buttermilk! (CROWD JEERING) How dare he? That's the flag my grandpappy rebelled against!

You're broadcasting geek rays over the entire valley.

(IMITATING MARGE) I'm Marge Simpson, and even I'm against "Families Come First." Now it's time to do some coke off the blade of a knife.

...he really loves me-- There she is. Hey, Princess, it's me, the guy from the snapshot. Oh. Oh, hi. Places, ladies, places. Can I get just a little cooperation ? It's show time. Look. I'm here because I want to apologize for treating you like an object. Uh-huh. I also want my boy...

It's been done.

(HOMER SCREAMING)

Sir, I am in your debt. Use it wisely, my friend.

That's my boy. Come on. Hug me. Cobras! Cobras! I thought I would hate working nights, but it's so peaceful.

So shall my knife find favor with thy belly. (GRUNTS) (GROANS) (LAUGHING EVILLY) (THUNDER RUMBLING) (GRUNTS) (GROANS)

You mean it ain't me noggin', it's me Peepers? Oh, well, that's just "loverly."

Wait. I know. Vent gas.

I don't know which is a bigger disappointment-- my failure to formulate a unified field theory, or you. I don't like your tone. If you are looking for trouble, you found it. Yeah, just try me, you-- Now's our opening!

You know, Marge, in some ways... you and I are very different people.

It's like Paul's song, "Live and Let Live." It was "Live and Let Die." Whatever, whatever. It had a good rhythm. I guess I have been pretty hard on a lot of people, especially my dad. Thanks, you guys. Lisa, before you go, would you like to hear a song? Wow! That'd be great! Okay. Take it, apu.

Okay, everybody. Let's see some big smiles. just relax and let the hooks do their work. What the hell are you smiling at?

Then we had to do two hours of origami, followed by flower arranging and meditation.

We're goin' home. I'm sick of you and your stupid tonic! If I hadn't taken that stupid tonic 38 years ago, you'd have never been born and I'd have been happy. You were an accident! Get out. I'm sorry I said that. - Out. - I'm gonna get out of the car,

Like this, from the book of... "P-salms." "God will shatter the heads of his enemies, "the hairy crown of those who walk in their guilty ways, that you may bathe your feet in blood." As true today as it was when it was written.

Can it outrun The Flash?

Benedict Arnold. Lizzie Borden. Richard Nixon. But I'm not dead yet. In fact, I just wrote an article for Redbook. Hey, listen, I did a favor for you. Yes, master. john Wilkes Booth. Blackbeard the Pirate. john Dillinger. And the starting line of the 1976 Philadelphia Flyers.

All right, pie, I'm just gonna do this. And if you get eaten, it's your own fault! Ow! Oh! Oh! My-- Oh, to hell with it.

Where's Otis? He's not in his cell. - I shot him. - Well, that's a-- What?

Occasionally, I'll be quirky.

- What do you think, Smithers? - I think women and seamen don't mix. We know what you think. Young lady, you're hired.

Greetings, humans. I am Investo the Robot of the planet Opportuniac.

Because the schools can't force you like they should. Maude, these new finger razors make hedge trimming as much fun as sitting through church.

Here's your turtle, alive and well. - Aw, thanks, Dad. - Ahh. How about some adulation from my little sister? Wow, Bart, I'm so impressed you were able to give Milhouse a concussion. Ah, you're just jealous because... you... stink...

Hey, there, Kirk. Oh, boy! What's going on? Patio party? Nah. A possum drowned in the pool. You have any garbage bags? Ah, just throw it over the fence. Let Arby's worry about it.

When I first heard about the operation, I was against it. But then I thought, if Homer wants to be a woman, so be it. Barney, I'm not getting a sex change! What? Well, what the hell am I supposed to do... with this jumbo thong bikini?

Freeze, bad guy! Vote Quimby!

Coveralls that don't quite cover all. And a psychotic little boy who will not stop hounding me!

I'm gonna fight this thing. Oh, please don't. For me? Sorry, Marge. This is my quest. I'm like that guy, that Spanish guy. - You know, he fought the windmills. - Don Quixote? No, that's not it. What's his name? "The Man of La Mancha."

Oh. jacks. jacks are big. They went out for a while, but then they came roaring back. Oh, you mean that game with the little rubber ball? Oh, don't worry. You'll pick it up fast. Once you get to foursies, you're in the zone.

- Homer, stop picking at it. - Oh! But I'm so sweet and tasty. Well, time to go to work. Dad, I wouldn't go outside if I were you. Don't worry, boys. He's gotta come out of there sometime.

Who used my chap stick? Oh, i did. Here you go. I don't want it. My only joy came with plotting a horrible revenge...

By the end, I thought I was a hummingbird of some kind.

Wait a minute. Bronchial tubes clearing. Asthma disappearing. Acne... remains. But asthma disappearing. My germs!

Sure. Sure we had. Of course we was caves. But every cave had a national anthem. I'll never forget my cave's national anthem. What was that national anthem? Let 'em all go to hell except Cave 76 What's with the si-- What's with the siren?

We have our first contestant! Clarissa Wellington! (ALL CHEER) Oh, there's no way I'm gonna beat her. Why? Just because she sings like Whitney Houston brought to life?

"John Lemon." "Orange Harrison." "Paul McIced Tea" "Mango Starr." Hey, Bart, how about a blast from the past? A 40-year-old novelty beverage? Hand it over.

Hey, Flanders, who put that bug up your butt ? Ohh. I wanted to subscribe to that new Arts and Crafts Channel. Well, sir, they send over this flimflam man to install it. And do you know what he did ? He offered to hook me up illegally to every cable channel for only 50 bucks. Boy, what's this world coming to ?

Now that I'm a teacher, I've sewed patches on my elbows. Homer, that's supposed to be leather patches on a tweed blazer, not the other way around. You've ruined a perfectly good jacket. Ah, incorrect, Marge-- two perfectly good jackets. I think it's great you're a teacher, Dad.

Bart, tell Dad I'll only pass the syrup if it won't be used on any meat product. You dunking your sausages in that syrup, homeboy? Marge, tell Bart I just want to drink a nice glass of syrup like I do every morning. Tell him yourself. You're ignoring Lisa, not Bart. Bart, thank your mother for pointing that out. Homer, you're not not talking to me. And, secondly, I heard what you said.

He just keeps rolling Well, I see President Fillmore is in the news again. Glug, glug, glug. What'll it be, boys? Just three X's for me.

We've come for the angel, Homer. It's not safe with the unbeliever. It's gone! We're too late. Little girl, what have you done with our precious angel? Nothing! Someone must have stolen it.

So then I said to Woody Allen, "Well, Camus can do, but Sartre is smartre." So original. How droll. Yeah, well, Scooby-Doo can doo-doo, but jimmy Carter is smarter.

"D'oh." Sorry, M.B., but I'm having trouble with this character. Is he supposed to have some kind of neurological impairment, like Rain Man or Awakenings? I mean, what the hell am I doing here? And this dialogue has none of the wit and sparkle of Murphy Brown.

Oh, that's it. You're through, Dean.

Hi, I'm Gary Busey. (LAUGHING) I'm here to explain about restraining orders. The answers to all your questions are in this video.

Mojo. What have they done to you? Pray for Mojo.

Yeah. The doctor. Workin' 9 to 5 what A way to make A livin' ...and when ye tallow hardens, we remove it from yon mold.

"Mr. Smithers plus guest." Huh. There's only one person I would want to bring. Oh, Mr. Burns, we'll thaw you out... the second they discover the cure for... 17 stab wounds in the back. How are we doing, boys? Well, we're up to 15.

Anyway, we're gonna start with the fundamentals: playing a burning guitar with your teeth. All right! Fire! Mister Seltzer? Setzer. No, I think it's Seltzer. What is it, Homer?

Whee! Where's my elephant?

Hello, Simpson. I'm riding the bus because Mother hid my car keys... to punish me for talking to a woman on the phone. She was right to do it.

Johnny's next record was a spoken word album of his right-wing political views. It killed his career. If you can tell me the name of that album, call our contest line now. I know that! Hello. This is Homer Simpson. Homer, can you name that title? "This Things I Believe."

That's good enough for me! Purple drapes! All my life I've wanted purple drapes!

- No! - Who else? Uh-- Uh-- Oh. MacGyver's gay. Oh! You bad-mouthed MacGyver, didn't you? Ma-- Uh-- Ma-- Huh?

Geez, what's with all the dust? My God! Everyone's gone!

Teacher made me go to Principal Skinner's office when I was dirty.

I'm 40, I'm single, and I drink. There's a line in Othello about a drinker. "Now a sensible man, by and by a fool, and presently a beast."

Bonjour, you cheese-eatin' surrender monkeys.

Honey, you should've seen me with my last customer. I-- No, but I came so close. This guy waS-- Whose voice is that? Is that Fred? Ah, you said it was over! No, don't put him on! Hello, Fred. H-Hi.

not gonna teach forever Gonna give showbiz A try Try

(GROANS) Oh, Father. You're dying again. But I can bring you back to life, sir. Son, it doesn't take five brains in your head to know that's a bad idea. You saw I'd become a monster and you stopped me like a man. I'm proud of you. And now it's time for me to go to hell.

How 'bout this? Nice work, Bart. How 'bout you, Lisa? I'll get it in a second. Don't worry. Oh! Of course. It's-- Yeah! Champion of the world! Answer this, Professor.

Apple wine, apple whiskey, apple schnapps, apple martinis, uh, Snapple with vodka in it, apple nail polish remover-- Don't forget applesauce. Yeah. I suppose you could grind some pills into it.

All for Silas. All for Silas.

It's the last day of school, Milhouse. Try to show some dignity.

Ah, there's nothing like rising with the sun... for a quiet, peaceful dip in your very own pool. Whoo! Whoo! Ee-eew. Lisa, the blob has got me! Don't touch me, or it'll get you too!

But you'll find one gets more respect as a humble civil servant... than as a homicidal maniac or a clown's sidekick. Aha! I knew it! You're still angry that Krusty picked me instead of you.

Hi, Homer. I'm keepin' two of my fingers crossed... that you're gonna have that nuclear generator up to full power by tomorrow. Uh, yes, sir. No problemo. Good. By the way, Homer, what's your least favorite country? Italy or France? France. Nobody ever says Italy.

How can I get her to notice me? Meet me at the tree house, Bart. And come alone.

drinking a beer, staring at the TV. I've never seen him like that. Forget about your father! You're driving for me now. Do it for your old man, boy. Simpson, prepare to die.

No. No, he can't be! I know. Maybe he's just acting stupid to infiltrate a gang of international idiots. Yeah, th-that's gotta be it. You destroyed that drug shipment? Yes, indeedy! That was my insulin! Uh-oh, SpaghettiOs!

moon river and me Wow! I didn't think he was gonna do "Moon River," but then, bam-- second encore.

Cut to commercial!

The Itchy and Scratchy Show

The French government wants to give me the Legion of Honor? Where do I receive this prestigious award? Izzy's deli, 1:00. Thank you, Monsieur President. Au revoir.

and the honeymoon is going to be... murder.

Snowball ii, Santa's Little Helper-- This is Princess. Please don't exclude her because she's different.

You little-- Lisa, no! Your hands are too weak. Stop that. I'm gonna kill him. No, I'm killing him first.

The guy who got fed into the wood chipper in Fargo? And when I hear You can't walk to Turkmenistan I say of course I can Screw you Hey, would you guys like tickets to the Independent Film Awards? Would we?

How much is this free resort weekend?

Mmm! Hamburger.

Now, you can either have the washer and dryer where the lovely Smithers is standing, or you can trade it all in for what's in this box. The box. The box!

Oh, here comes that cannonball guy. He's cool. Are you being sarcastic, dude? I don't even know anymore.

I don't want to pry into your personal life-- Then don't! Doctor, how could a little baby save a full-grown man from drowning? It's quite simple. When a parent's life is in danger, a child can summon superhuman strength. Well, all I care about is that my little girl loves me.

Boy, when Marge first told me she was going the police academy, I thought it'd be fun and exciting, you know, like that movie, Spaceballs. But instead it's been painful and disturbing like that movie Police Academy.

But as for me, I'm off to battle aliens on a faraway planet. That sounds like a good movie. Yes. Yes, a-a movie. Yes. Hey, let's all hug Apu.

What was it? "Don't yell at Homer"! No, that's okay. What was it? "Slow." They called you "slow"! How dare you call me that? I-- Huh? Hey, Homer, you still here? Boy, you are slow. Something said. Not good. Get the hell out of here.

I've said it before and I'll say it again, democracy simply doesn't work.

Ambassador Henry Mwabwetumba of the Ivory Coast writes: "What is the real deal with Mr. Burns's assistant, Smithers? You know what I'm talking about." Of course we do.

If I went to a barbecue and there was no meat, I would say, "Yo, goober! Where's the meat?" I'm trying to impress people here, Lisa. You don't win friends with salad. You don't win friends with salad You don't win friends with salad You don't win friends with salad You don't win friends with salad You don't win friends with salad

Now while I wasn't able to cut everyone I wanted to, I have cut a lot of you. Wendell is cut. Rudy is cut. Janie, you're gone. Steven, I like your hustle. That's why it was so hard to cut you. Congratulations! The rest of you made the team. Except you, you and you.

A thousand dollars ? Dimoxinil ? "To keep brain from freezing" ? Now I've got you, Simpson.

Well, that's some nice glowering, Mr. "B."

Ick, my mouth tastes like an ashtray.

We'd met the enemy, and it was Montgomery Burns. Drastic action had to be taken to stop his war machine.

Oh, shush yourself.

I thought I told you to stay away from my sister! But your queen won't cut you slack Oh, here's 50 bucks. Take her to the Copa.

Guess who, fat boy! - Marge! Marge, look! - Oh, my God! The doll's trying to kill me, and the toaster's been laughing at me. Eww! Dog water.

There you have it. Unrehearsed testimonies from important celebrities. She's one of my favorites. I loved her in the thing I saw her in. You know, my course can help you with every personality disorder... in the "feel bad" rainbow. Let's look at the rainbow. What's in there?

I gotta call the plant and warn 'em. The fingers you have used to dial are too fat. To obtain a special dialing wand, please mash the keypad with your palm now. I'm gonna have to shut it down myself!

But you'll kill both of us. No. It's easy. Look. I've been practicing. I made a pigeon-rat. Let's get started. You wanna be on the right or the left?

Can I leave? Of course, and don't worry There will be plenty of apples for you. Nobody will take away your precious apples. The note was asking you to-- No, tell my secretary I said you could have a free apple. She'll make everything all right. I promise.

Did you really have to handcuff the children? No, ma'am, I did not.

I'm a sexual predator. Oh.

Hold on. I'll check. Uh, hey, everybody. I'm a stupid moron with an ugly face and a big butt... and my butt smells and I like to kiss my own butt.

"Explosion imminent." Oh, my God! The plant's gonna explode!

I know I really shouldn't, but when am I gonna be here again? Whee! Well, if it isn't little--

Finally, Bart's one of us. Excelsior! Oh, Mindy, you came and you gave without flaking But I sent you BenGay Oh, Andy, you kissed me And stopped me from something And I-- Uh-oh.

TV's there, bathroom's there, and there's your king-size bed for-- - Hubba-hubba. - Stop that! I love my wife and family. All I'm gonna use this bed for is sleeping, eating, and maybe building a little fort-- that's it.

I have a bomb! Hey, wait a minute! Those are hot dogs! Armour Hot Dogs! What kind of man wears Armour Hot Dogs? It was a good idea, Bart. But it's just not working.

Oh, my God, Marge. A penalty shot with only four seconds left. It's your child versus mine! The winner will be showered with praise! The loser will be taunted and booed until my throat is sore! - Kill her, boy! Kill her! - Stop him dead, little girl!

Gee, a romantic evening. Nah, she's too smart to fall for that. I'm not done. After dinner, the two of you are going to check into the fanciest motel in town... and not check out until the next morning, if you get my drift. I read you loud and clear. Heh, heh, heh, heh !

Why did you think a big balloon would stop people? Shut up! That's why. Oh! What a horrible four months. Now to warn everybody!

Dermott, jordan, Taylor, Brittany, Wesley, Rumor, Scout, Cassidy, Zoe, Chloe, Max, Hunter, Kendall, Caitlan, Noah, Sasha, Morgan, Kira, ian, Lauren, q-Bert, Phil.

Um, Milhouse, if you stay a little while longer, you can have this blazer. It's a Bob Mackie original. Wow! A Bob Mackie! Uh... sorry, Bart. Oh.

Hi. You from the casino? I'm from a casino. Good enough. Let's go. I'm afraid Robert Goulet hasn't arrived yet, sir.

Well, maybe I want to. But then I think about Marge and the kids. Well, not the boy. He drives me nuts. Sometimes I'd just like to-- Homer,

Excuse me. Bart's a little upset this morning, so could everyone please be extra-nice to him? Hey, where's your diaper, baby? Thank goodness he's drawn attention away from my shirt.

Why, you little-- I got you! Ho-- Homer, it's-- it's all just an act. Stop! Stop! He's already dead! Got him, sir! I got his leg.

In closing, you people must realize... that the public owns you for life, and when you're dead... You'll all be in commercials, dancing with vacuum cleaners.

You should have fired into the air. She would have run off.

Well, hey, hey! You're Mel Brooks! Sure. I'll give you a ride! Thank you. On the way we can do that $2,000 man thing. You be Carl Reiner, and I'll be Police Chief Wiggum. Listen. Why don't you play Carl Reiner and let me play Police Chief Wiggum? I hate Carl Reiner!

I do not miss Bart at all. I am glad he's gone. As am I. B'oh! It's probably my imagination, but something about them didn't seem quite right.

What he's typed will be a window into his madness. "Feelin' fine." Well, that's a relief.

'Fraid old Zeke, he rides up here with me. Can't trust a pig with watermelons, you know.

Hey, Ma. I'm gonna get me a picture of this crazy critter. Ah!

Think harder, Homer.

Really ? Yes. Oh ! - Champagne ? - Please.

Now, let's get home before your mother kills us. It's kind of humbling, isn't it? The music we just heard might never be heard again. Yeah. But it'll always live on... because we'll never forget it.

How do I look? (GRUNTING) HOMER: Ow! Oh, after my makeover, I'm gonna get you, boy!

i went through a five-year orgy of nonstop pills and booze, with nothing to show for it but four Emmys and a Peabody Award.

I mean, I did just star in my first movie with Marvin Hagler... and Tova Borgnine-- Yeah!

Ohh. Well, finally, a little luck.

Wow... chocolate, half-price! La la la-la-la-la-la Mr. Simpson. La-la-la-la-la Mr. Simpson? Huh? Oh, sorry. We were talking about chocolate? That was ten minutes ago. I think I did pretty good in there.

You'll get to see it as soon as we unveil our new ad campaign. Let me see! Let me see! Out of the way! Homer. Homer, wake up. There's still a few minutes till our usual bedtime. No. My invention!

Don't you ever, ever talk that way about television. You lousy, ungrateful can't-keep-their, what-do-you-call-it...

Oh, yeah. I'm a real expert. What is that, a six-barrel Holley carb? You betcha. Edelbrock intakes? Nothin' but. Myohoff lifters? Oh, yeah. I made that last one up. I see.

Hey, Lise. Want to try some satellite TV? Weve got Japanese Friends. w'w' f Theme Song] Do you like my new shirt? It says "Reggae Hairstyle Rock n’ Roll."

Uh-oh. Two independent thought alarms in one day. The students are over-stimulated. Willie, remove all the colored chalk from the classrooms. I warned ya! Didn't I warn ya? That colored chalk was forged by Lucifer himself!

Hi, kids! You've reached the Krusty Hotline. If you haven't asked your parents' permission-- naughty, naughty but Krusty forgives you. Two dollars for the first minute 50 cents for each additional minute.

It's brilliant. Savagely honest, tender. He has the soul of a poet. You're very kind. Excuse me. Did something crawl down your throat and die? It didn't die.

I can't believe my little boy is already going on his first date. Sunrise, sunset

"I am disgusted with the way old people are depicted on television. "We are not all vibrant, fun-loving sex maniacs. "Many of us are bitter, resentful individuals... "who remember the good old days... "when entertainment was bland and inoffensive.

Fight and bite and bite Fight, fight, fight Bite, bite, bite You know, some of these stories are pretty good. The itchy & Scratchy Show I never knew mice lived such interesting lives.

Boys love candy. No, thanks. Boys love candy. Eew. I think I'd rather just get to work, ma'am.

"Explosion imminent." Oh, my God! The plant's gonna explode! Hey, that thing's going caca-cuckoo. Who cares? It's Homer's problem.

Shut up ! Shut up !

jump with all your might. Ahh-- Oh, no. Willy didn't make it! And he crushed our boy! - Ugh! What a mess. - Oh! I don't like this new director's cut.

(SNORING) (GASPS) People bored with opera? That's impossible! (CACKLES) To failure, dear brother. Oops. (SNORING) (REQUIEM PLAYING)

You want me to replace the villain with a dog? I mean, nobody will know what's going on. They will if you set up that the dog is evil. All you have to do is show him doing this-- And people will suspect the dog.

And for some reason, my hair and ear form an "M" and a "G."

Simpson, give me your newspaper ! Why should I ? I wanna do the crossword puzzle. No, I want to do the crossword puzzle ! - I said, give me that puzzle. - No. - Give me ! Give me ! - No ! NO !

I'm sorry, Lisa. People go to a children's dance recital... expecting a certain level of professionalism. But-But you don't understand-- I ate too much plastic candy. Heavens to betsy. The star of the show is sick. Whatever will we do? There's only one person who can get us out of this pickle. Lisa?

Get me Steven Spielberg! He's unavailable. Then get me his nonunion Mexican equivalent. Listen, SeÑor Spielbergo, I want you to do for me what Spielberg did for Oskar Schindler. Schindler es bueno. SeÑor Burns es el diablo.

All right, pal, where'd you get the sugar for that tea? I nicked it when you let your guard down for that split second. And I'd do it again. Good-bye.

Hello, I was wondering if you'd like to babysit my little angels. Sorry, this isn't Abbie. This is her sister. I look after her now. No, Bart, put it down. Put it down, Bart. Bart, put it down.

Well, we brought some pizza. If you don't start making more sense, we're gonna have to put you in a home. You already put me in a home. Then we'll put you in the crooked home we saw on 60 Minutes. I'll be good.

For all my life When you're with me, baby the skies'll be blue For all my life Me and you and you and me No matter how they toss the dice it had to be

Banana bread! What the hell were you thinking? Banana bread.

Mom, Dad, help! He's trying to kill me!

Now, that is good labneh. I'm sorry, ma'am, but everything on the menu has fish in it. What about the bread? Does that have much fish in it? Yes. Well, I have some Tic Tacs in my purse-- Excellent choice. And for the gentleman?

Thanks for calling, kids. A new message every day.

And how about piping in some Tom jones music? That always cheers me up. what'S new, Pussycat whoa-oh-oh what's new, pussycat whoa-oh-oh-oh it's working! It's working!

When we return, more classic moments-- and, for the first time on TV, our private reel of Simpsons outtakes, including the alternate endings to, "Who Shot Mr. Burns?"

But you've been going on about these all week. I'm sure he just forgot. Lisa, we're not supposed to see each other before the wedding. It's tradition.

Good evening. Tonight my guest is AFL-CIO chairman, George Meany, who will be discussing collective bargaining agreements. It's a pleasure to be here, Krusty. Let me be blunt. Is there a labor crisis in America today? That depends what you mean by "crisis."

"Number two: horny. Number three: family jewels."

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Rudy, my man, you're a miracle worker.

Are you all right?

Uh, how are we gonna get out of here? We'll dig our way out! No, no. Dig up, stupid.

The nice thing about that place is Mary Ann gets in the hammock with you. - I'm just kidding. - Oh.

We're dancing to the beat We'll make you move your feet

once you've had fresh, you'll never go back to canned. Uh-- Uh-- So anyway, I kicked the guy's ass. Now, if the berries are too tart, I just dust 'em with confectioner's sugar. Oh! Good secret.

Just because he's an ex-con-- Ooh! Crowley's an ex-con? Dear Lord, I've peed in front of him! Hey, check it out! Ha! Now that's a mural! It's so passionate. It almost leaps off the wall.

- You're being completely paranoid. - Oh, am I? Am I really? Aha! Hello. All right, pal, where'd you get the sugar for that tea? I nicked it when you let your guard down for that split second. And I'd do it again. Good-bye.

Tonight on Eye on Springfield, just miles from your doorstep, hundreds of men are given weapons and trained to kill. The government calls it the army. But a more alarmist name would be: The Kill-bot Factory-- But first,

Come on, you little oink-oink! Mom! Bart's smoking! All right! Out, out, out! Go, go, go! But Milhouse-- What are you--

It's ZZ Top! You guys rock! Eh, maybe a little.

Skinner! Uh-- Superintendent Chalmers!

Mom, you wouldn't dare. Don't take that tone with me, young lady, or I'll give you a taste of the back of me hand. No, you don't. Grampa ? Hey ! Ah ! Who ? What ?

I am out of here! That's it! Go to your room! Look! It's Mrs. Potato Head. She has a head made out of lettuce. I can't believe I used to go out with you.

One sixty-seven! That's amazing for a Christian. But my IQ is only 159. Maggie's more intelligent than me? That's right, because 167 is a bigger number than 159. Do you see how that works? Yes, thank you.

(EXHALES) The Sword of Osiris. I once possessed the entire collection. Then I sold them all for opium. D'oh, how I wish I had them back to sell for more opium! Who did you sell the swords to? The fat man with sideburns. Like that one over there.

$300 for doing nothing? I feel like such a crook. Don't worry. Gets easier every week.

And if you're watching me, that means you've got pretzel fever. And not the kind that attacked my intestinal lining some years back.

Marge, I've screwed up everything I've ever done. I mean, look at Bart.

I will send you every cent I earn for the baby but you will not see me again until I am a man.

Homer, you don't have to do anything you don't want to. Well, maybe I want to. But then I think about Marge and the kids. Well, not the boy. He drives me nuts. Sometimes I'd just like to-- Homer,

Thanks for your help with the anchor, guys. Guys? That pig looks like Lenny. Hey! Mmm! That's the next best thing to eating Lenny. I'm still hungry.

Whoa! Me rikey velly much! Oh, I hope I didn't offend you. I need this bad. Bad enough to hit yourself over the head with the phone? Oh! You got it! Ow! Ow! Ooh, blood.

Shh! Undo! Undo!

Went by the name of Homer. Seven feet tall he was, with arms like tree trunks. And his eyes were like steel, cold and hard.

No feeling no feeling Ahh! No feeling jolly sodding X-mas, Major. For anybody else Choke on it! Oh, crikey! You gave me a smash on the noggin last year.

What's going on here? Wh-What? Hey. Your franchise-- how much? $500. I'll take it! Congratulations! And welcome to the dynamic world... of mobile pretzel retailing.

But you know what I hate? Drinking beer and watching TV. Not me. That's my idea of heaven. D'oh! Me too! Really? I can see I'm gonna love working with you. Well, gotta go. I wanna sneak in a quick nap before lunch.

Stan Lee came back? Stan Lee never left. And I'm starting to think that his mind is no longer in mint condition. You broke my Batmobile! Broke, or made it better?

B-i-n-g-o B-i-n-g-o B-i-n-g-o and Bingo was his name, oh Homie, get in the car. This is where you belong. Yeah, Homer. Room for one more. One of us. One of us. One of us. One of us.

You know, I pride myself on being a good host, so I'm obliged to offer you a beer, but I'm so darn mad it's gonna be mostly head.

Thanks for calling, kids. A new message every day. Maggie! Bart, I asked you to watch your sister. I tried to stop her, but she overpowered me. Who stole my shirt? Who stole my shirt?!

The Weather Service has upgraded Springfield's blizzard... from winter wonderland to a class-three kill storm. I don't like the sound of that "class-three."

What's really amazing is that... this is exactly what Dad said would happen. Yeah. Dad was right. I know, kids. I'm scared too.

Ooh, boy, Flipsy! You and I are going on a road trip. Whoa!

What do I get? The job of industrial chimney sweep for a day! Whoo-hoo! Whoa!

You look familiar, sir. Are you on the television or something ? Sorry, buddy. You got me confused with Fred Flintstone.

I'm Al Unser jr.! I'm Princess Margaret! I'm drunk!

But, first, we all stink. We all-- Hey!

Remember kids, Drunken Cowboy brand whiskey is smooth as milk!

Defense! Defense! Come on! You call that blowing?

Worst parents ever!

I beat the smart kids I beat the smart kids I bent my wookie.

But then, I rode 'em again.

Ah. Superintendent Chalmers. Welcome. I hope you're prepared for an unforgettable luncheon. Yeah. Oh, egads! My roast is ruined. But what if... I were to purchase fast food and disguise it as my own cooking?

Well, we could give each student a full college scholarship. Oh, mercy. Seriously, though, before we draw up the budget,

Hello, Mr. Thompson.

This. You're not gonna hunt me for sport are you?

Are you talking to me? There's no one else here. You must be talking to me. Well, that was an antique. Crap!

You know, I was considering staying after school and helping teacher clean up. Ahh! Do you ever think anything you don't say? There is just no pleasing a girl like that! All that unnecessary behaving.

Children are important. It'll cost you. Oh, the taxes. They're gonna raise taxes! Come on! All right. That's a good point. Oh, yeah. That sounds-- Oh, yeah, the taxes! The finger thing means the taxes.

Krusty, over here! Krusty, one more!

Kill! Kill! Great game, Lise. Great game, Bart.

Magic johnson coming down the floor. His feet slip out from under him! The ball flies loose, hits the referee goes in the basket! It's a three-point play!

Assault weapons have gotten a lot of bad press lately, but they're manufactured for a reason-- to take out today's modern super animals, such as the flying squirrel and the electric eel.

Either way, your planet is doomed. Doomed!

But I did a good job... a good job. I guess it's not your fault. You did a good job.

Hens love roosters geese love ganders everyone else loves Ned Flanders Not me! Everyone who counts loves Ned Flanders

Dag-- Doggone it ! Doh ! Doh ! And the Raven, never flitting, still is sitting, still is sitting... on the pallid bust of Pallas just above my chamber door.

Maybe if you're truly cool, you don't need to be told you're cool. Sure you do. How else would you know?

We'll see you when you get back from Image Enhancement Camp. Spare me your euphemisms. It's fat camp for Daddy's chubby little secret!

When you chance to see - 4th Street and "D" - Yeah Once you get a whiff of it You'll never want to roam From Capital City My home, sweet swingin' home

Mayday, Mayday! The engine room has sprung a leak. It's filling up with a clear, nonalcoholic liquid. You mean, water? Yeah, that's it. We got a pinhole leak and there's no way to plug it.

Okay, Son. Just remember to have fun out there today. And if you lose, I'll kill you! Dad.

They're dogs, and they're playing poker! Aaah!

Whatever you want, birthday boy.

I know that I got you mad once in a while. D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh!

How many kids do we have? Three.

We'll have to reorder every book. Seymour, I'll bet you those books are still here. We have to search every locker. Locker searches aren't permitted by the Supreme Court. Supreme Court. What have they done for us lately? Let's move.

So, Professor, would you say it's time for everyone to panic? Yes, I would, Kent.

We're the performers you thought were dead Like Bonnie Franklin and Adrian Zmed Branson's the place we can always be found They took Nick at Nite and made it a town

I'm the president of the United States, and I demand to know what's going on here. Happy birthday, Mr. President.

Oh, how could Alec and Kim just cut me out of their lives? Homer, you haven't touched your food. When Kim makes a Manwich, she uses focaccia bread. And would it kill you to put some fennel in it?

Oh, yes, Kodos. Earth is now ripe for the plucking.

Deploy, damn you! Deploy! It hurts! It hurts! Owee! Owee! Owee! Ow! Mm-hmm.

Communism! That's right.

Any experience? Yes. I played Panicky Idiot Number Two in The Poseidon Adventure. Sorry, we're looking for more of a "duh, duh" idiot. But-- I see.

Man, this place looks expensive! I feel like I'm wasting a fortune just standing here.

Okay. Let's get started. Oh! - Hey, wake up. - Sorry. Now read the first line. "I... ate... pee-pee."

Principal Skinner, I need some "sooes." Sweet Georgia Brown! Something is rotten at the Simpson house!

I don't remember a bowling alley being there--

(SNOWBALL II MEOWING) Shame on you two creeps! It's your fault for giving birth to my archenemy!

Tonight on Eye on Springfield, opening day at the world's first two-story Outhouse. Oh, God! Stop!

Well, well. Look at the city slicker pulling up in his fancy German car. This car was made in Guatemala. Well, pardon us, Mr. Gucci Loafers. I bought these shoes from a hobo. Well, la-dee-da, Mr. Park Avenue Manicure. I'm sorry. I believe in good grooming.

I concocted a fuel from baking soda and the juice of discarded leMon wedges. The rocket took off with a mighty blast of carbon dioxide, dragging behind it the end of a vacuum cleaner cord. I grabbed on to the vacuum cleaner, pushed the Cord-retraCtor button and was on my way to freedom. And that's my courageous story.

Hey, hey! Tonight I'm going to suck... your blood.

Doesn't it say "Die, Bart, Die"? No, that's German for-- "The Bart, The." No one who speaks German can be an evil man. Parole granted.

Whoa ! You certainly have a lot of bowling trophies. I like you so much. They're not for bowling, Marge. You're so naive. They are for lovemaking. Really ? Yes.

The plant called and said if you don't come in tomorrow, don't bother coming in Monday. Whoo-hoo! Four-day weekend!

I have a question for Apu de BeaumarchÉ.

What happened to you, China? You used to be cool. Hey, China is still cool. You pay later! Later! Solid. The rest of you, go on home and look in your mailboxes... 'cause I totally remember sending checks out. Mm-hmm.

Dad, remember when Tom had you in that headlock... and you screamed, "I'm a hemophiliac," and when he let you go you kicked him in the back? Yeah? Will you teach me how to do that? Sure, boy.

Now let's take a look at a young Charles Bronson's brief stint... replacing Andy Griffith in The Andy Griffith Show. Where's Otis? He's not in his cell. - I shot him. - Well, that's a-- What? Now I'm goin' down to Emmett's fix-it shop-- to fix Emmett.

Mmm, this really hits the spot. Doesn't it, though ? You make really good lemonade, Scratchy. Thank you, Itchy. Wasn't that funny, boys and girls ? Well, wasn't it ?

Krusty, why are you here? Eh, it's part of my public service... for my glug-glug, Vroom-Vroom, thump-thump. Oh. Well, I could use a good laugh. Well, there's nothing funny about what you're about to go through.

Children, we have tabulated your votes. The king and queen of Springfield High School's class of 1974... are-- Artie Ziff and Marge Bouvier. Oh, isn't she great ? Hail Queen Marge ! Whoo ! Whoo ! Long live the queen !

QuÉ malo. Once again, I must sugar my own churro.

It's ZZ Top! You guys rock! Eh, maybe a little.

Anybody here have herpes? Huh? Huh? You people are the worst audience I've ever seen. Well, you're the worst comedian we've ever seen! Oh, great! Well, we'll just sit here silently for the next 90 minutes. Fine with us.

Marge, it's a real pleasure. You got any leads? I need some leads. Please, help me. That's enough, Gill. Don't drag her down with you.

Welcome, friend. I'm Number Six. I'm number 15. What number are you? I am not a number! I am a man! And don't you ever-- Oh, wait. I'm Number Five. Ha, ha! In your face, Number Six! Yes. Well done.

O Canada Order. Order. Do you kids want to be like the real U.N.,

When I grow up, I wanna be a lardo on workmen's comp, just like Dad. I wash myself with a rag on a stick.

Who used my chap stick?

Wasn't that a great Itchy and Scratchy cartoon, kids ? Well, we've got another one coming right up. But first, I've got a hankerin'... for some pork products. Mmm. Look. Plump succulent sausage, honey-smoked bacon and glistening, sizzling--

One seafood burrito, Apu. I am loath to interrupt your meditation, sir, but the time has come for money to change hands. Oh, sorry.

Get the tear gas. Each trip's a trip to paradise With my baby On board

Sadly, this argument was not part of the act. I'll kill you! You don't have the guts, little man! Folks, we're just having a little family tiff. If you'll just bear with us-- Oh, shut up! Always trying to act so mature. - I'm glad you make the least money. - Oh, that's it! Hey, hey, stop it! Stop it! YOu-- Let go of me!

What would my parents think of me now? Make us proud, Son. Never forget who you are. Don't make the same mistake I did. Oh, forgive me, Mother. Father, I've failed you.

Mmm, Homer, between your hair care products and new wardrobe, we're not saving anything for a rainy day. There's never gonna be a rainy day, Marge. There's not a cloud in the Simpson sky. And what does my little girl want ? An absence of mood swings and some stability in my life. Uh, eh, how about a pony ? Okay !

Why, here's the fellow. Wiry, fast, firm, proud buttocks. Reminds me of me.

My friends call me Bleeding Gums. Ew! How'd you get a name like that? Well, let me put it this way. You ever been to the dentist? - Yeah. - Not me. I suppose I should go to one.

That quilt was made by my grandmother!

Well, wishing won't make it so. You gotta pull up your diaper, get out there... and be the best damn Barney you can be. Here I come, world! How do you think he'll do, Moe? I think he'll do just fine.

Why would you do that? How am I gonna get home?

Why, there are no children here at the 4-H Club either. Am I so out of touch? No. It's the children who are wrong.

What the hell are you talking about? All of us pull a few boners now and then--

You're nothing but a pack of fickle mush-heads. He's right. Give us hell, Quimby. Born free

Hey, don't rock the boat, man. Whatever it is, we're making out like bandits. Bart, I read about what happens to kids... whose parents no longer love and cherish each other. They go through eight separate stages. Right now, I'm in stage three, fear. You're in stage two, denial. No, I'm not. Yes, you are.

If we don't watch these, it's like we're stealing TV. Do you love that sweet smell of Farmer Billy's bacon? Do I ever?

He's a little boy lost in a game of men. Should we bet against them? I'd bet my entire college fund on it. Moe, $23 on New York.

I didn't order a baloney sandwich! I ordered an abalone sandwich! I don't know what Mom's thinking.

Don't leave me alone with him. My Bologna has A first name it's h-o-m-e-r

"Wish you were her." How many of these is he going to send me? Wow! Dad and Bart have been everywhere. They've eaten submarine sandwiches, grinders and hoagies.

Hey! I need that to live.

Psst! Marge, over here.

No, Lisa. The only monster here is the gambling monster... that has enslaved your mother! I call him Gamblor! And it's time to snatch your mother from his neon claws!

I got this in the Second World War II. Back then I was known as Sergeant Simpson,

I guess. Thanks, Bart. Sure. Oh, mercy.

Hey, buddy, where's your date ? She's with him. Ouch ! So I guess you want me to take you home, huh ? Hey, I paid for this car, I paid for this tuxedo... and I paid for the two dinners. - We're going to the prom. - Prom it is.

A man who's not afraid to cry. Hey, Ned! So that's why you maced me. Yeah.

Marge, speak to me. Is Thursday okay ?

Are you crazy? I'm not gonna be a surrogate mother.

Tonight on Rock Bottom, we go undercover... at a sex farm for sex hookers. I keep telling ya. I just grow sorghum here. Uh-huh. And where are the hookers? Round back. Oops.

Sure you were, Apu. You know what, Lisa? Paul and Linda are vegetarians too. In fact, Linda has her own line of vegetarian entrÉes. Apu, I'm sure the last thing they want to talk about is-- We weren't satisfied with the other vegetarian meals on the market. You'd be surprised how often you'd find a big hunk of pork in them.

Ethnic Mismatch Comedy #644... has been canceled. While we scramble to find new programming, please enjoy this encore presentation of Princess Di's funeral. I was really starting to enjoy... Ethnic Mismatch Comedy #644! I've never heard so many Viagra jokes in 30 seconds.

I have an unorthodox solution-- a fantastic voyage, if you will. Three scientists-- one a beautiful woman-- will be shrunk to microscopic size. They will then rendezvous in Mr. Simpson's lower colon. Ew!

Here, I'm writing an article on her for my next Malibu Stacy newsletter. It contains her last known whereabouts. - I'll, uh, print you out a copy. - Thanks. Hello, Smithers. You're quite good... at turning... me on. Um, you probably should ignore that.

Homer, do something. The ceiling's not a safe place for a young baby. All right, I got it. Come on. Get off the-- Bad baby!

We can wipe out B.C. in our lifetime.

Any red-blooded, flag-feeding American would love... the M-320. Celebrate the independence of your nation by blowing up a small part of it.

Take it easy, folks. It's "snow" picnic out there. I "snow" what you mean. You're deadweight, Marty.

Hi, Lisa. Hi, Super Nintendo Chalmers.

looking for another all-you-can-eat fish restaurant. And when you couldn't find one? We went fishing. Do these sound like the actions of a man... who had "all he could eat"? No! That could've been me!

It's for the woman who only has four-fifths of a second to get ready. Close your eyes, Marge. And now you're ready for a night on the town. Homer, you've got it set on "whore."

Bart Simpson's office. Thank the great, good Lord. I was just sa-- One moment, please! Who do they think I am, some stupid Aussie drongo? Bleedin' Yanks. I oughta-- - This is Bart Simpson. Can I help you, ma'am? - Hey! My name is Bruno Drundridge, right? You owe me $900, mate!

Huh. That was easy. Why did you think a big balloon would stop people? Shut up! That's why.

- You're Darryl Strawberry. - Yes. You play right field. Yes. I play right field too. So? Are you better than me? Well, I've never met you, but... yes.

Hey, open up! I've been standing here all morning! Hey, Homer. What are you doing at work? The plant's closed for fumigation. Uh-oh.

One time, Lisa bought a first edition of Susan B. Anthony Man. Her check bounced higher than Rubber Girl. Where did the money go? Marge lost much of the family fortune investing in birth control products. I learned something. When people reach for their diaphragm,

Stir up some controversy. Rattle a few cages.

Wonder where this river goes. I've got a map. Monkey. Now, according to animal crackers, there's no river here. Eh-- Stay in the boat, Homer.

It's one of those nude female fire stations. Oh, I'd always be second place to some kitten stuck in a tree. Let's go, Smithers. Smithers? Aah! Aah! Aah!

It's called McBain: Let's Get Silly. Did you ever notice how men always leave the toilet seat up? That's the joke. You suck, McBain! Now, my Woody Allen impression.

Why, I haven't seen you in years! What have you been doing with yourself, Bob? Well, Krusty, as you may remember, after I tried to frame you for armed robbery, I tried to murder Selma Bouvier. Let's see. I rigged the mayoral elections, I tried to blow up Springfield with a nuclear device, and I tried to kill you.

Well, Seymour, you are an odd fellow, but I must say you steam a good ham. Help! Help!

"My name is Clara. I've known Luke for more than five days." Excuse me. Is this the way to the Lazy I Ranch?

Your dad is right. I am a bum. He didn't call you a bum. He called you a sponge. sponge?! Does this look like something a sponge would do?! I'll show him who's a sponge.

Make me. They're having a great time, and I'm stuck in here. Ooh! Hmm. "Use only in a well-ventilated area." Shove it, buddy.

Homer, we cant sue the church. They'll poke fun at us in the church bulletin. It wouldnt be the first time. I couldnt help it. Those pews are so comfortable.

Stupid dog. No ! Stay away. This is not for you. This is Homer food.

What are you gonna change your name to when you grow up? - Lois Sanborn. - Steve Bennett.

D-oh ! D-oh ! D-oh !

On May 21, 1864, the men of the 9th Bearded Infantry were sunning... and fluffing their beards in the sun. Suddenly, enemy troops crested that hill over there. Fort Springfield, we surrender unconditionally. We're sick. We need leeches...

Faced with a problem like this, I wonder, what would Oprah do? Yes, I need to fit into this in time for a funeral. Thank you. l-l need some liposuction. Just enough to make me attractive to this man. One 10-minute suck-and-tuck.

It makes no difference which one of us you vote for. Either way, your planet is doomed. Doomed! Well, a refreshingly frank response there from Senator Bob Dole.

Is it a crime to be illiterate ? All right, all right. See this, Krusty ? This is a B. And this is Exhibit B. Betting slips-- obtained by this court indicating you have lost... substantial sums of money on sports gambling. Is it a crime to bet on sporting events ? Yes, it is ! Oh.

Hey, where's your diaper, baby? Thank goodness he's drawn attention away from my shirt.

It's called the Coriolis Effect. No way. Water doesn't obey your rules. It goes where it wants. Like me, babe. Yes, Bart. Why don't you try it and see?

Night, Mr. Gibson. Night, Gus.

Shut up, Becky!

Go Crazy? Don't mind if I do!

Too-ra-loo-ra-loo-ra Too-ra-loo-ra-li Wiggum forever! Barney never! Wiggum forever! Barney never! Wiggum forever!

My father was a rabbi. His father was a rabbi. His father's father... Well, you get the idea. My father was the most respected man in the lower East Side of Springfield. People would come from miles around to ask his advice.

Get back here, boy. You're a disgrace to this family, and its proud naval tradition. Well, I'm keeping this earring, and you can't stop me! Oh. I always thought Lisa would be the one to get her ears pierced. Can I? No!

I know you. Your little smart-mouthed boy cost this town the Olympics.

You told me with the way you slump your shoulders, the way you talk into your chest, the way you smother yourself... in bargain-basement lime-green polyester. I want you to say to yourself: "I deserve this. I love it. I am nature's greatest miracle !" - Go ahead, say it. Trust me, Homer. - I-- I-- I, er--

Apple wine, apple whiskey, apple schnapps, apple martinis, uh, Snapple with vodka in it, apple nail polish remover--

Oh, Marge, my loyal wife, of course not. And Lisa, my little princess. And who could forget dear Rat Boy?

Got it! No shock for me! Oh, yeah? Whoa! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!

I thought that civil war would never end. Now, to soothe my head with an evening at Ford's Theatre. Oh, no! John Wilkes Booth! Hasta la vista, Abie. Come on, boy! Finish him off!

ASHLEY: "The Harpooned Heart by Marge Simpson." Your turn, Mary-Kate. MARY-KATE: "There once was a girl from Nantucket. "Her name was Temperance Barrows. "And her heart was heavy with feeling." Take it, Ashley. ASHLEY: "Temperance was trapped in a loveless marriage." Bummer. I didn't know people were sad in the past.

I felt this incredible surge of power... like God must feel when he's holding a gun.

Oh, forget about it. That Mr. Takahashi's a lunatic.

Uh-oh. Here's a slingshot, Lisa. I told 'em a chain link fence wouldn't hold rhinos. Oh, wait. No, I didn't. I meant to tell 'em.

Spare my life and I will grant you three wi--

Bart! Where'd you get that shirt? I don't know. Came out of the closet. Uh... huh.

I'm gonna make it!

After them, men, into the temporarily dry sea. Aw, nuts.

Question? Can I smell your dress? Hey, you show some respect. This one here's not for smellin'. Why thank you, Jack. No problem. Now, let's paint. Hey, can I smell your clothes?

f Maniacal Laughter] Watch out! Jlain’tlyin’J J YeahJ J l can 't stand J Whool J No runnin f around J J l can 't stand-wp

Pizza ! Why are we all dressed up ? Because sometimes it's fun to dress up for dinner. Why are we using the china ? Because sometimes it's fun to use the good china. What's with the candles ? Sometimes it's fun to use candles. Why are we waiting for Dad ?

No, it's not. It's apt. Apt! Don't you see what Mr. Burns has done to this church? He restored it from nave to narthex! He super-sized the pews for the zaftig believers. He put ice in the urinals. Those are all wonderful things. But they've cost the church its soul.

I love-a you all. I use up all of my English. Grazie, Springfield! He's a phony! Lousy cheater! I demand a re-race!

She'll be cracking rocks by the end of the week. You glorified night watchman let her go! But she broke the law. Thanks for the civics lesson. If Marge Simpson goes to jail I can kiss the chick vote good-bye and if I go down, you're breaking my fall! Quimby, don't write checks your butt can't cash.

Folks, this is your captain speaking. Our nonstop flight to Tahiti will be making a brief layover in North Haverbrook. North Haverbrook. Where have I heard that name before? Oh, no. Oh, no! There he is-- seat 3-F!

Itchy and Scratchy seem to have lost their edge. Oh, I think it conveys a very nice message of sharing. I think it sucks. Oh, hey, thank you, Maggie.

To my executor, Lionel Hutz, I leave $50,000. Mr. Hutz! You'd be surprised how often that works. You really would.

They started it! Oh! You saved me, Reverend.

Uh, I have a horsie.

Domo arigato, Mr. Roboto. You can do it, Otto! You can do it-- Guys, I made the spare. We won. Yes! Yeah! All right!

You are going to crash and burn, my fatheaded friend. See? We're still friends. Come on. Give us a cuddle.

Run free, little vermin. The city is yours. And so, as the rats' milk is returned to the sewers-- the circle of life is complete.

Hey, kid, wake up. Who are you? I'm Laura, your new neighbor. You all right? She's beautiful. Say something clever. I fell on my bottom. D'oh!

I'll take any questions you might have. You, and then one more. Can we call you Uncle Blackie? No. Last question.

Now, I know I haven't been the best jew, but I rented Fiddler on the Roof, and I will watch it. - Anyway, can I have $40,000? - Hmm?

But that doesn't make you any less of a man. Except you have no penis. In the traditional sense. So what am I? Some kind of a tin can man from Planet Tomorrow?

Marge, what are you doing? It's lunchtime. I'll just be a minute. I have to finish this paperwork. Marge, Marge, Marge, let's file this under "R"... for arrivederci. Where does it go? Don't worry, baby. The tube'll know what to do.

There we go. That's the last I'll see of Mr. Trampoline. Yep, it's finally gone. D'oh!

I feel like liver and onions. Mmm.

Forget it! Sacrificing animals is barbaric. Now have the slaves kill the wounded.

If it's clear and yella, you've got juice there, fella. If it's tangy and brown, you're in cider town. Now, there's two exceptions and it gets kind of-- Oh! You can stay, but I'm leaving. And of course in Canada, the whole thing's flip-flopped. Oh, my! I better get you some cider.

Prostitution, loan sharking, numbers--

Well, if I'm guilty of anything, maybe it's caring too much. I'm Bart Simpson. Stop talking like that. Stop it. Lisa, please. You've absolutely no reason to be jealous. You're still a very important part of Bart's show.

I had to tell Mr. Burns you had violent diarrhea. Oh! Couldnt you come up with a less embarrassing lie? But you did have violent diarrhea.

Sending your chick a valentine, huh? Yep. johnny?

In that case, I sentence you to a lifetime of horror on Monster Island. Don't worry. It's just a name. He said it was just a name! What he meant is that Monster Island is actually a peninsula.

There we go. And we'll skip right ahead to the Kill-O-Tine.

Foolish dingo. You must find and devour the seven crystal babies... or spend eternity trapped in deep didgeridoo!

Do you think there's anything great on NBC right now? Oh, I'm sure of it. But there's only one way to find out. I'd like to read the following statement, but I do so under-- my own free will. "It has come to my attention that NBC sucks.

The lemon tree's gone! And the tracks appear to lead into Shelbyville! Oh, look. A clue. A candy bar wrapper. Oh! They're always eating candy in Shelbyville. They love the sweet taste. We gotta get that tree back! You mean, going to Shelbyville? We'll never make it out alive.

Hey, everybody! i'm gonna be on TV agaiN. That's right. You've got a special daddy. Burt Reynolds apologized to the pope and promised to replace the windshield. Burt Reynolds-- class act.

And we laugh legitimately.

This biography of Bart came out awfully quickly. It's not even about him. Sure it is. Look at the cover. But inside, it's mostly about Ross Perot, and the last two chapters are excerpts from the Oliver North trial. Ah, Oliver North. He was just poured into that uniform.

Whoa! ¡Ay! Iuna "candelabra" "precariosa"!

Foolish Earthlings. Frightened of a creature that does not exist.

Followed by immediate correction. How can we tell if we're doing this maneuver effectively ? The dog's eyes will cross, and his tongue will protrude... and change color ever so slightly. Is my dog dead, ma'am ? You don't know how often I'm asked that. "Choke chain" is a misnomer.

Guys are always patting my bald head for luck, pinchin' my belly to hear my girlish laugh.

love is such A sweet thing good enough to eat thing Sorry, but the punishment stands.

Nobody breathe my air! Get your own! (BREATHING HEAVILY) Why you selfish little maggot, I'll suck your lungs dry! Knock it off! (ALL BREATHING HEAVILY) MAN: Okay...

Awesome! So long, suckers!

Oh, my god! Look at the-- Ooh! Erotic cakes.

Well, duh. He's breathtaking. But Bart has inner beauty, like you'd find in a rodent.

Oh-- What was I laughing at now? Oh, yes. That crippled Irishman.

And, Lisa, you look lovely. Bart, assume the position.

It's okay. It's okay. I'm back. See? Daddy's here. Come on, Maggie. Maybe if you just squeeze a little. That's it. That's it. I--

But this film is never going to see the light of day.

Hey, give me one of those famous giant beers I've heard so much about. Somethin' wrong, Yank? No. It's pretty big, I guess.

Yes. This is Homer Simpson from America. Who may I say is speaking to me? Hello, chief. Let's talk. Why not?

Homer, is this projection accurate? Did you borrow money from my sisters? I don't know, Marge. I can't be expected to keep track of all my wheelings and dealings. He blew all your savings on jack-o'-lanterns. You told!

Now, kids, instead of candy, I thought I'd serve an array of healthy fresh fruits. Fruit is nature's candy. Whoa!

Thinking of saying good-bye to gas? You betcha. Bart! Well, that shut me up. Hello. I, uh, love your planet deeply... and am interested in purchasing one of your electronic autos. Well, it's always nice to meet people... - Concerned about the environment. - What kind of mint?

here's the first of what I hope will be many disabled students, Bart Simpson. I'm proud of you, boy. What the-- Bart, where's your wheelchair? Don't need it anymore. Doctor says my butt bone's stronger than ever. Ta-da!

On the way we can do that $2,000 man thing. You be Carl Reiner, and I'll be Police Chief Wiggum. Listen. Why don't you play Carl Reiner and let me play Police Chief Wiggum? I hate Carl Reiner!

Which one of you youngsters is Abe Simpson? I'm Abe Simpson. You've just won $10 million from that publisher's "cleary-dealie"! What? Everybody, come quick! Abe Simpson is rich! I can't believe it!

Excuse me. I'm looking for... Wait a minute. I know that voice. If it isn't little Bart Simpson! I haven't seen you in years. That's right. That's my pop. Oh, little Bart. We hear all about your monkeyshines.

Drastic action had to be taken to stop his war machine. I put Homer to bed, Abe. And now I'm going out.

I've done all I can do. We'd better call his parents. just a minute! Don't hang up! No answer at home. I'll call his father. just a minute! Don't hang up! Y'ello? You'll have to speak up. I'm wearing a towel.

Oh, really now, that's too much. It's Sideshow Bob!

Wake up, everybody! It's World War III!

Ahoy. Have you seen this man? Arr! That's Handsome Pete. He dances for nickels. Pete, ye got some customers.

Tie game? What the hell? This is outrageous! Oh, I've never been so proud of them. Ahhh. They're both losers. Losers!

queen of the mysterious East.

Hey! Who shot the auto-dialer?

Wait a minute. There's something bothering me about this place. I know! This lesbian bar doesn't have a fire exit! Enjoy your deathtrap, ladies. What was her problem?

Uh-huh. Uh, what region? Uh, upstate New York. Really. Well, I'm from Utica, and I've never heard anyone use the phrase "steamed hams." Oh, not in Utica. No. It's an Albany expression. I see.

Homer, we took our chips out years ago. Really? Then why do you still work here? We've learned to accept the things we cannot change and steal everything that's not nailed down. (GRUNTS) I hope you won't judge us harshly. I'll be back for tall kitchen bags.

Lucy! You hit her pretty hard there, Rick.

Now, my dear. If you look in your champagne, I think you'll find a little surprise. Not to worry. I believe there's another one around here somewhere. OOh! Yes. My darling,

What advantages does this motorcar have... over, say, a train? Which I could also afford. Well, you'll notice how the heated gas pedal warms your feet while-- Gently massages your buttocks. Well, Count Homer, shall we discuss the--

Uh, listen, Marge. Um- How can I put this delicately? I dont got enough booze in this place to make you look good.

My old neighborhood. Hmm. "Oh, yes. Oh, yes. "Capitol City's nakedest ladies. "They're not even wearing a smile. "Nod suggestively. Yes, six. Count 'em.

Oh, grow up, Lise.

Wow, a Negro. We prefer the term "black." So cool.

Of course! Bowling! Bowling here! Come bowl now! Get your bowling! Who's ready? Bowling!

I'm not a stabbin' hobo. I'm a singin' hobo. Nothin' beats the hobo life Stabbin' folks with my hobo knife I gouge them-- Excuse me, Hobo. Can you play something a little less unnerving?

Boring! Come on, you schnorrers! Do something! Halfback passes to the center. Back to the wing. Back to the center.

Oh, dear God. I call our product li'l Lisa's Patented Animal Slurry. It's a high-protein feed for farm animals, insulation for low-income housing, a powerful explosive and a top-notch engine coolant. And best of all, it's made from 100% recycled animals.

Ruth Powers was tried in Springfield Superior Court. The judge dismissed her ex-husband's auto theft charges... and forced him to pay all back child support. Mr. Powers blamed the outcome on his lawyer, one Lionel Hutz. Lionel Hutz, a.k.a. Miguel Sanchez, a.k.a. Dr. Nguyen Van Thoc,

Oh, say can you rock There's trouble in a far-off nation Time to get in love formation Your love's more deadly than Saddam

I want you to throw away these old calendars and TV Guides. Are you mad, woman? You never know when an old calendar might come in handy. Sure, it's not 1985 right now, but who knows what tomorrow will bring? And these TV Guides. So many memories. "Gomer upsets Sergeant Carter."

Boy, he didn't want to let go of that!

Wow, Dad. You're really working hard. Yes, I gotta work hard, honey. Daddy made a lot of "crazy promises." I'm really proud of you, Homie, but can the garbageman really do all the things you said? Oh, the garbageman can, Marge. The garbageman can.

But inside, it's mostly about Ross Perot, and the last two chapters are excerpts from the Oliver North trial. Ah, Oliver North. He was just poured into that uniform.

must be pure gold! Let's watch some more of those fabulous Simpsons outtakes. Apu living with the Simpsons? It happened. And here's a scene you didn't see. I'm hoping you enjoy this movie. It made every Indian critic's Top 400 list.

john Wilkes Booth. Blackbeard the Pirate. john Dillinger. And the starting line of the 1976 Philadelphia Flyers.

Celebrate good times Come on I will.

You guys work on the movie? You're sayin' we're not working? Oh, I always wanted to be a Teamster. So lazy and surly. Mind if I relax next to ya?

This technology is new to me, but I'm pretty sure... that's Homer Simpson in the oven rotating slowly. His body temperature has risen to over 400 degrees. He's literally stewing in his own juices.

Oh, wait a minute. Actually, a woman is more like a beer.

You can run, but you can't glide!

One snow angel coming up! Huh? Oh, why does that always happen?

And I've got to share that gift with the world. Ow! Get her out of here.

That's Buzz, that's Honey. And you see that queen? Her name is Smithers.

Well, that was wonderful. A good time was had by all. I'm pooped. Yes. I should be-- Good Lord! What is happening in there? Aurora borealis.

Some days we don't let the line move at all. We call those "weekdays." Good one.

Next up, Homer and his amazing Redenbacher Dreamcoat... with a number he calls "Kernel knowledge." I'm hot buttered check it and see I got A fever of 453 I'm hot so very hot

Of course, for safety reasons, we don't keep the cannon loaded. It's just common sense. Otto, why don't you get some more gas? Here's the credit card. Ooh. And a mint for afterwards.

You certainly have a lot of bowling trophies. I like you so much. They're not for bowling, Marge. You're so naive. They are for lovemaking. Really ? Yes. Oh !

Did you ever know that you're my hero you're everything I would like to Be

Why does Jesus have a lasso? 'Cause he's all man. Money changed. Get your money changed right here in the temple.

Whoo! We're number one. We're number one.

Fatal to the people in the other car. Let's roll. Hang on. The manual says I need to log on to the onboard computer. M-A-R-G-E. Hello, Marge. Where would you like to go today? No one has ever asked me that before in my life.

Marge is not the only one who can have a girls' night out. Oh, no can do, Homer. I'm watching the game. Shave up not down, you idiot. Ooh, sounds delish. Let me just toss some jeans on and-- Wait a minute. Who is this? Well, howdilly dodilly-do. Hello?

Really? You have children? Oh, well, look. Here's some money. No. I don't want your pity or your money. Usually when you say that, you give the money back. I do what now? Yoink! Listen, boy. I was wondering if you could use a little more fatherly attention.

Out of the way, Tubby! Well, pardon me, Oldie Hawn. Why, you ill-mannered sack of crap! Oh, goody. Now I know whatever happened to Baby Jane.

Well, I won't be lonely for long. Hee, hee!

Why don't you buy it? I can't buy that. Only management-type guys with big salaries like me can afford things like that. Guys like me! I'm a guy like me! All right, team, it's the fourth quarter. The Lord gave us the atoms, and it's up to us to make 'em dance.

Why? How? When? Which? Bart! Dad, hide your shame! Hey, Homie! I can see your doodle. Shut up, Flanders.

This is the dawning of the age of Aquarius age of Aquarius Aquarius Now, for our next stunt, what do you say we get your principal up here?

They took my money, they wrecked my show, they buried a bunch of stinking veterans in my family plot, but at least I still got my memories. Those are locked up safe in my fabulous mansion.

Shh! Worst episode ever.

"Can't someone else do it?" That's perfect.

So Connie roamed the prairie alone... planting apples seeds all along the way. She even changed her last name to Appleseed. And her family changed theirs to Bufflekill.

Don't worry. I saved the receipt. We'll have a $3,300 credit at Chanel. They have beer and gum, right? Come on. Let's go. I wouldn't want to join any club that would have this me as a member. It's okay. Those snobs never would've made us members anyway.

We didn't all go to Gudger College. It's dignity! Gah! Don't you even know dignity when you see it? - Kirk, you're spitting! - Okay, genius, why don't you draw dignity? Oh, that's dignity, all right! That's great!

Homer, those were our personal vegetables.

Ahhhh ! Mm-hmm. Discoloration of the saliva glands, Oh, dear. swelling of the parotids. I knew it. Yeah, it looks like little Lisa has the mumps. I guess you'll be missing a week of school, young lady. Oh, no ! I don't wanna fall behind my class.

You know, if you guys hadn't tied me up, I could be saving the comic as we speak. Shut up. Shut up. Help me, Bart. I didn't even want the comic.

Oh, dear. Now you've done it. I keep hearing this horrible irregular thumping noise.

Today Mounties busted a major American drug smuggling ring. Former US astronaut, Homer Simpson, was taken into custody. Oh, my butt looks so huge during perp walks.

Ooh, the Seinfeld diner. Are you nuts? I'm on in five seconds!

from the classic joyless miser brooding in his cavernous mansion-- Bah! Bah! Bah! Bah! Grasping a glass of brandy with his thin, clawlike fingers... and a superior smirk on his greedy, soulless face.

Maybe you're right. I did always want to go to college. But fate stood in the way. Homer, sign this application and you're a Shoo-in. That dog has somebody's ham! This I gotta see!

Skinner with his crazy explanations The superintendent's gonna need his medication When he hears Skinner's lame exaggerations There'll be trouble in town tonight Seymour!

Well, okay. First of all my real name isn't Krusty the Clown. It's Herschel Krustofski. My father was a rabbi. His father was a rabbi. His father's father... Well, you get the idea.

Listen, Tabbouleh, we're ignoring all your demands. What do you say to that?

You! Home wrecker! Mr. Simpson, you have every right to be angry. But rest assured, your son loves you. You certainly gave that boy the heebie-jeebies.

the home of the-e-e-e-e-e-e Bra-a-a-a-a-a-ve

That makes 22 to 16. Time is running out.

Mister Seltzer? Setzer. No, I think it's Seltzer. What is it, Homer? I came up with a stage move I feel is very cool. Baby, baby, baby, baby-

Would you mind changing 'em for the show? Forget you, clown. Hey, our lyrics are like our children, man. No way. Well, okay. But here, where you say, "What I got, you gotta get and put it in you," how about just, "What I'd like is I'd like to hug and kiss you"? Wow! That's much better. Everyone can enjoy that.

No. That would be impolite. I say we kill him!

They don't call me Springfield Fats... just because I'm morbidly obese. Now you got a lawsuit on your hands. just kidding. What's wrong, Jeremiah? It's not fair. My brother joseph has a sin to confess. I wish I had one too.

Not me Ahh. Everything really wrapped up nicely. Hmm. Much quicker than usual. I guess we've learned that happiness is wherever you find it. And we've all found happiness, every one of us.

That's not a hood ornament. ts a pacifier you spray-painted silver. Hmm! Haw, haw! Wait. That's not right. N Ha-hal

More asbestos ! More asbestos !

Huh? Donuts. Is there anything they can't do?

That certainly justifies attempted murder.

(FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING) NELSON: Papa, can you hear me? Papa, can you see me? Papa, can you find me in the night?

The easiest way to be popular... is to leech off the popularity of others. So we propose changing our name from Springfield to Seinfeld.

I guarantee it. One. One. One! Bah! I'll just pay for the blasted liposuction. Whoo-hoo!

You don't win friends with salad You don't win friends with salad You don't win friends with salad You don't win friends with salad You don't win friends with salad You don't win friends with salad You don't win friends with salad - You don't win friends with salad Mom! I didn't mean to take sides. I just got caught up in the rhythm.

and sent me to this dank, urine-soaked hellhole? Uh, we object to the term "urine-soaked hellhole"... when you could have said "peepee-soaked heckhole."

Oh, say, can you see By the-- light What so proudly we-- Shouldn't have turned down those cue cards.

It's true. We are aliens, but what are you going to do about it? It's a two-party system. You have to vote for one of us. He's right. This is a two-party system. Well, I believe I'll vote for a third-party candidate. Go ahead. Throw your vote away.

You're here, aren't you?

You pigs! Oh, no! Bette Midler! Now, where were we?

cryin's not For me 'cause I'm never gonna Stop the rain by complainin' because I'm freE nothin's worryin' me

This is what I think of your store!

Ooh, I would live in a big mansion? I'm so happy, darling. I as well. Are you happy, jeeves? Yes, sir. Quite. Then we're all happy.

What's the matter with you, kid? You told me the stream was shallow! Why, you-- I-- Oh, you. Oh, kid. I'll get even with you.

Charlie Callas doesn't sleep in the ground. Yes, I'm still alive, and I'm making my sounds.

Get off my masterpiece, you punks! I'll call your mothers! Yo, Frank Gehry! Like curvilinear forms much? (GRUNTS) (HUMMING) Huh?

Safety dance Ohh! Oh, boy, am I glad to see you guys. That was Men Without Hats. Or as they're known today, Men Without jobs.

Ah! Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah! You idiot! You nearly drank a beaker full of sulfuric acid.

Man, are you illin'.

- Will you take us to Mt. Splashmore ? - No. - Will you take us to Mt. Splashmore ? - No. - Will you take us to Mt. Splashmore ? - No. Will you take us to Mt. Splashmore ? No. - Will you take us to Mt. Splashmore ? - No. - Will you take us to Mt. Splashmore ? - No. Will you take us to Mt. Splashmore ? No. - Will you take us to Mt. Splashmore ? - No. Will you take us to Mt. Splashmore ? No. - Will you take us to Mt. Splashmore ? - No. Will you take us to Mt. Splashmore ? No ! - Will you take us to Mt. Splashmore ? - No ! Will you take us to Mt. Splashmore ? No ! No !

- Governors Island. - Look! It's ZZ Top! You guys rock! Eh, maybe a little.

Onward, Christian soldiers Marching As to war... They're singing again.

Uh, is I.P. Freely here ? hey, everybody ! I.P. Freely ! Wait a minute. Listen to me, ya lousy bum. When I get a hold of you, you're dead. I swear I'm gonna slice your heart in half.

you're the best in the world I can tell oh, shake, shake, shake shake, shake, shake shake your booty shake your booty - Shh!

(CLEARING THROAT) (THUDDING) CHILDREN: Yeah! Oh, man. These seats suck. Leave everything to me. Pardon me, comin' through, rest in peace, you're dead, take a dirt nap, feed the worms. (HOMER EXCLAIMING PLAYFULLY)

Wow! A lot of people have pools. Honey, my shoulders are separating! Okay, okay, here we go.

Oh, my God! What is it? "Tramampoline." "Trambapoline." He said what now? Please, don't bring home any more old crutches. Oh, no, you don't. That trampoline is mine!

we Will always love kamp krusty A reGistered trademark of the krusty corporation all rights reserved

Bartina, until I met you, I was the loneliest warden in the penal system. Fresh. Oh, down I go. I'll be fine, dear.

Yeah, I'll give it a shot. I mean, you know, it's my job, right?

How ironic. Now he's blind, after a life of enjoying being able to see. Well, it wasnt easy, honey. But I'm glad you love me again. - Yeah. But whets gonna happen to the animals? - Dont worry, honey. I released them all into the wild.

Homer, this-this is never easy to say. I'm gonna have to saw your arms off. They'll grow back, right? Oh, yeah. Whew. Homer, are you just holding on to the can? Your point being?

Hello ? Dr. Hibbert ? This is Marge Simpson.

Oh, I like food, all right. I like pizza I like bagels I like hot dogs with mustard and beer I get the picture. I'll eat eggplant I could even eat a baby deer La-la-la-la-la-la La-la la-la Who's that baby deer on the lawn there Enough already! Sorry.

A solar eclipse. The cosmic ballet goes on. Does anyone want to switch seats?

Well, there's no shame in bein' beaten by the best. But he didn't seem all that-- We were beaten by the best, boy.

I've got you Under my skin (CRAZY CAT LADY EXCLAIMING IN DELIGHT)

There's your problem.

Seymour! The house is on fire! No, Mother. It's just the northern lights.

Homer, I can honestly say that was the best episode of Impy and Chimpy I've ever seen.

In closing, you people must realize... that the public owns you for life, and when you're dead... You'll all be in commercials, dancing with vacuum cleaners.

Reform, Ebenezer Urkel! You have alienated everyone who loved you! Did I do that? Report, Mr. Sulu. Captain, there appears to be some sort of spirit from an Earth holiday past. Mr. Scott, fire photon torpedoes. It's no use, Captain. He's showin' visions of me future. God, I'm so fat! I said fire!

To the most beautiful moment in life. Better than the deed, better than the memory-- the moment of anticipation.

Hubba-hubba. Stop that! I love my wife and family. All I'm gonna use this bed for is sleeping, eating and maybe building a little fort. That's it! Free mouthwash! Free shampoo!

Does anyone know where all my dinner plates went?

Well, Sea Captain... looks like you and l are sailing solo tonight. Arr... you hitting on me? Cause I dont do that. On land.

He prefers the company of men. Who doesn't?

Okilly-dokilly-do!

Where's Grampa? Wasn't he invited? Yeah, but his reply envelope... just had a check to the gas company in it.

Where's the remote? Oh, it might as well be in China.

The drummer for a rock and roll combo called the Beatles, sir. Beatles, eh ? Oh, yes. I seem to remember their off-key caterwauling on the old Sullivan show. What was Ed thinking ?

That's right. She's got the "munchies" for a California cheeseburger.

Uh, I need another magnum of your best champagne here, huh? And bring us the finest food you got stuffed with the second finest. Excellent, sir. Lobster stuffed with tacos.

Bart ! What are you doing ? Sorry, Dad. The answer to that is top secret. Oh, Bart. What ?

Our first little genius is Ralph Wiggum.

Ah, the trail has become indistinct. I suggest we split up to cover more ground. Good idea. Milhouse, you and me will be Omega Team. Todd, you and Data are Team Strike Force. Nelson, that leaves you and Martin. Team Discovery Channel!

And now... the final curtain.

Shut up! That's why.

Good lord! Put out an A.P.B.... on a Uosdwis R. Dewoh. Uh, better start with Greek town. That's Homer J. Simpson, Chief. You're reading it upside down. Uh, cancel that A.P.B. But, uh-- Oh, bring back some of them, uh, gyros. Uh, Chief, you're talking into your wallet.

Pick up your check at the front office, and for God's sake, put some clothes on !

Homer, do you want your son to become chief justice of the Supreme Court... or a sleazy male stripper? Can't he be both, like the late Earl Warren? Earl Warren wasn't a stripper. Now who's being naive? Look, you have to help discipline your son. All right, Marge.

Oh, Lisa, is that too spicy for you? I can see through time. Stop being such babies. You can't be afraid to try new things. For instance, tonight I'm using a-- Apu, what do you call this thing again? A napkin. Outrageous!

This family has hit a new low. We're on the run from the law, totally lost, no car, no money, no clean clothes... and it's all your fault. I love being married.

I'm surprised he just doesn't give it up and go for sweat pants. He says the crotch wears out too fast. Yarrr! That's gonna replace the whale in my nightmares!

All right. Popcorn's ready. Hey! That's the fire alarm! We gotta get outta here! Wait for me! Come on! Come on! Come on!

Ooh, cheese! You don't eat cheese, Apu? No, I don't eat any food that comes from an animal. Oh! Then you must think I'm a monster. Yes, indeed, I do think that. But I learned long ago, Lisa, to tolerate others rather than forcing my beliefs on them.

You know, Conan, I have a lot to say. I'm not just a one-line wonder. Did you know... that a section of rain forest the size of Kansas is burned every single-- just do the line. I didn't do it. Great material.

All right. Starting tomorrow, no beer for a month. What was that noise? I was saying, "Psst! I love you."

but someday you'll rust! Rust, I tell ya! Dad. Dad? - You really wanna get rid of this trampoline? - Uh-huh. Observe. A bike lock.

I know one of you is responsible for this.

Here's your scientifically selected career. Architect! Mm-hmm. Insurance salesman. Mm-hmm. Salmon gutter?! Military strongman! Systems analyst, systems analyst, systems analyst. Systems analyst. All right!

That's it. If he can teach a class, he can teach a class! I mean, I can teach a class! What is your area of expertise? I can tell the difference between butter and I Can't Believe it's Not Butter. No, you can't, Mr. Simpson. No one can.

But on my way, I'm gonna be doing this. If you get hit, it's your own fault.

Dad? Pie Man is not your father, little girl. I murdered your father. Dad, please. It's obvious you're Pie Man. We've been getting his mail for weeks.

Aw, the Denver Broncos!

"Moon Pie." What a time to be alive.

Yesterday our prayers were finally answered... when Poochie the Dog made his howlingly unfunny debut. Far be it from me to gloat in another's downfall, but I have a feeling no children are gonna be crying... when this puppy is put to sleep.

Tonight, When Dinosaurs Get Drunk-- Hmm. Oh. Oh, I've been there, man. ...has been canceled. What? Instead we bring you The Boring World of Niels Bohr.

I've even kept kosher just to be on the safe side. I've done everything the Bible says! Even the stuff that contradicts the other stuff! What more could I do? I feel like I'm coming apart here. I want to yell out, but I just can't... dang-diddily-do-dang, do-dang-diddily-darn do it! I-i-i--

(WHIMPERING) Albert Einstein, Lorne Michaels? Shari Lewis? Lamb Chop! Why ain't I here? I'm a bigger name than... Chaim Potok! What is he? Some kind of Klingon? I'm gonna get to the bottom of this.

So get a good night's sleep and remember- Rule number one, there are no rules! Rule number two, no outside food. Aw, what a gyp.

Well, uh, see ya. Each two-man team will work its way through the wilderness... to a cabin hidden somewhere on this mountain. The routes are treacherous, so use your maps. Uh, I lost my map. You haven't been issued a map yet.

No, not in my mouth... is what the kid would say.

Mmm. Dum-da-dah... D'Oh!

If you'll just open that door, you'll see the next mayor of Springfield. Nice. Very nice. What'd it say? No, no, no. Bob. Bob, come in.

What do you mean, you lost him? He might have fallen into one of these machines! Oh, my God! That's his lucky red hat! He's a box! My boy's a box! Damn you! A box!

Besides, we want to stay as far away from... the campy '70s version as possible. Billowing backpacks, Radioactive Man! It's the worst villain of them all! The Scoutmaster!

Stop everything! I don't remember writing a check for bowling. Sir, that's a check for your boweling. Oh, yes. That's very important. Yes, sir. Remember that month you didn't do it? Yes, that was unpleasant for all concerned.

For Channel 6 News, I'm Kenny Brockelstein.

Mattingly! I told you to trim those sideburns. Go home! You're off the team! For good! Fine. I still like him better than Steinbrenner.

Excessive alcohol consumption can cause liver damage... and cancer of the rectum. Mmm, beer. Hmm.

I have been zinged and I love it.

I don't know what that is, but on Fridays, you come straight home after school! Tonight is silhouette night. Sit there. I really just came home to change into a turtleneck. Seymour, sit! In the morning. Oh, Mom, I'm borrowing your car.

Fire, fire, fire, fire, fire, fire, fire, fire!

Are you ready for tales... that will shatter your spine and boil your blood? - Well, duh. - Then choke on these! f Thunderclap f f Homer Screams f

Very nice, Maggie. And, Lisa, you look lovely. Bart, assume the position.

Whoopi would've made it work.

Shh! You're cut too, shushy!

Shut up. Where do you want it, Skinner? Not smart. Cool! Hey, When do we get the check for this?

Come on, boy. This is the spot right here. That's a good boy. Good boy. Do your dirty, sinful business. Howdy, Reverend Lovejoy. Nice to see you there... on my lawn with... your dog. Oh. Uh, oh. Bad dog. Look at that. Right on Ned's lawn.

Bart, you'll do anything for attention. Cut that out! They chose me.

You flyboys. You crack me up. But I keep telling ya, I'm not a pilot! And I keep telling you, you flyboys crack me up!

I'll get it for you, Homer. Hmm. I wonder why he's so eager to go to the garage. The "garage"? Hey, fellas, the "garage." Well, ooh, la-di-da, Mr. Frenchman. What do you call it? A car hole.

Remember. You were born in Green Bay, Wisconsin.

What cosmic force brought us together, Marge ? Destiny ? Yes. Some divine pinspotter... must have placed us side by side. Like two fragile bowling pins-- Standing bravely-- Until inevitably-- We must topple.

Eww, Homer. Where did you get that ugly thing? Why, at that little shop right over... there. Oh, it was over there. You'll be sorry.

- (GRUNTS) - (HONKING) Oh, my golly graciousness! Bad car! Apologize to the poor little boy. (SORROWFUL HONK) (CHUCKLES) This shirt is humor-larious. Let's see what else you've got.

Ooh! He's so smart! Whoa! And so handsome. Bart, I just love him.

D'oh! Marge, we need some more vanilla, chocolate and strawberry ice cream.

Cornelius Talmadge. Oh, no, I'm not-- Well, let's see what you got here. The pink ones keep ya from screamin'.

What are we gonna do? Well, we can't just stand here staring at our hands. Although-- Wow! Oh, that's right. I married that chick. They call 'em fingers, but I never see 'em "fing." Oh, there they go.

Hello. I'm retired heavyweight boxer Gerry Cooney. Welcome to Mr. Burns's Casino. If there's anything I can do to make your visit more enjoyable, please let me know. Yeah, great. See ya! Uh, don't forget to apply for... our V.I.P. Platinum Club for special discounts on-- Hey! I said bug off!

Well, if it'll make you feel any better, Krusty, you can punch me in the face. Nah, forget it. Go home, kid.

You march right back to that school,

Bye, kids. On your way back pick up a six-pack of beer. Bart, Lisa, it's 11:00 at night. Where do you think you're going? Downtown. We gotta get seats for the Itchy and Scratchy parade. I won't have my children sitting alone on a cold, dangerous street all night. Homer, you go too. Oh! Why can't they just take the gun?

I bad want... money now. Me sick." Ooh, he card reads good. "So pick, please, me, Mr. Burns." It's Kurns, stupid! No, it's not. Disregard. Oh, he's the worst yet. That's it. Everyone out, except you. One step to the left.

Hey, everybody! They're looting the mall! Hurry! I got nine shoe buffers! I'm caught on something. I don't want you looting. But I was gonna loot you a present. Oh, all right.

Hey, it's Krusty. I need you to get me out of another jam. I picked up this chick last night. At least I thought she was a chick. Showbiz is so fascinating.

I wouldn't stay on a bet ! One for the road.

Excellent. Next. Exc-ell-ent. Next. Exactly. D'oh! - Next! - ¡Excellente! Es muy bueno. Oh, it's hopeless. I'll have to play myself.

My daughter Lisa-- I.Q. 156. Hi. See? And my son Bart. He owns a factory downtown. H-How do you do? Homer, I'm late for my night job at the foundry, so if you don't mind telling me-- Good heavens! Th-This is a palace! H-How in the world can you afford...

Smithers, what are you doing up here? What are you doing with his ball? And all those other balls? Uh, there are no other balls.

Here's the ending you were never meant to see. The one who shot me was-- Waylon Smithers! NO-o! Wait a minute. Yes.

Give it up, Dad. Piggy ain't coming back. Lisa, you ruined my barbecue! I demand you apologize this second! I'm never, ever apologizing, because I was standing up for a just cause! And you were wrong, wrong, wrong! Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to my room! That's it! Go to your room!

the human garbage disposal! Ladles and jelly spoons, I will now take going low to new heights. I will swallow anything-- and I mean anything-- you people throw. Here, take this! Please, no more spark plugs.

Shh! Moochie-moochie!

Whoops. If a group of responsible adults can't handle firearms in a responsible way-- Sorry. Uh-oh. Me again. Sorry.

What do I do now? I've been drummed out of my profession. I'm a disgrace. Even this babbling brook sounds almost like mocking laughter.

It's about a man whose father-in-law gave him a sweet job... as manager of a cracker factory. Boring! A man whose complete lack of business sense and managerial impotence-- Ooh! Here we go! sent the number one cracker factory in town... into a tie for sixth with Table Time and Allied Biscuit.

Gentlemen, I give you Britannia! Gambling with all the glitz and glamour of the British Isles. Best of all, the waitresses and showgirls are all real Brits. Fresh from the streets of Sussex they are! Freshen your drink, governor? Get out. Okay. All right. Wait-- Now-- Now, dig this, man-- Get out!

He stole this bit from Krusty! Yeah, well, Krusty stole it from Steve Allen. Oh, everything's stolen nowadays. Why, the fax machine is nothing but a waffle iron with a phone attached.

Someone's behind the curtain. It could be Claudius. Only one way to find out. Ow! - Ow! - Polonius? What are you doing behind the curtain? I hide behind curtains 'cause I have a fear of getting stabbed. Daddy's stomach is crying.

Yeah. That's me all right.

You're living in your car? Oh, no. It's just a camp-out tonight then off to my sister's apartment in Capital City.

But look-- I got some cool pogs. Alf pogs! Remember Alf? He's back, in pog form!

Homer, I'd like you to remember Matthew 7:26. The foolish man who built his house on sand. And you remember... Matthew 21:17. "And he left them and went out of the city into Bethany and he lodged there"?

Can Superman outrun The Flash?

see my vest see my vest see my vest

Damn straight, Troy, my man.

If I don't get to the top of the mountain real soon, I could get fired. We'll help you. I have a watch with a minute hand. All right, you can come. What time is it? 12:80. No, wait. - Wait. What comes after 12? - One. No. After 12.

Hey, what the-- Oh, it's a miracle! I'll call you Babe. You'll be my best friend.

Bart Simpson? The spirited little scamp who twice foiled my evil schemes... and sent me to this dank, urine-soaked hellhole? Uh, we object to the term "urine-soaked hellhole"... when you could have said "peepee-soaked heckhole."

Must crush capitalism.

That's right. I did the Iggy.

Pull yourself together, man. I daresay you're in need of a long vacation. No! Don't make me take a vacation. Without you, I'll wither and die! That's a risk I'm willing to take. What would you do without me? I'm not a baby who needs a nursemaid to burp me. You see?

Look! It's the Incredible Hulk! He can't be the Hulk. I'm the Hulk. Oh, please. You couldn't even change into Bill Bixby.

This is Agent Johnson from the F.B.I. Be on the lookout for a 1936 maroon Stutz Bearcat. Uh, that really was more of a burgundy.

We love you! Uh, please don't hug me. It sickens me.

Oh, this sucks. Weren't there three Indians last year?

Okay, we've got the secret vigilante handshake. Now we need code names. I'll be Cue Ball, Skinner can be Eight Ball, Barney will be Twelve Ball, and, Moe, you can be Cue Ball. You're an idiot.

Last week on PII, our billionaire bachelor gave five lovely ladies a rose of continuation. And he hurled a rock of rejection at anyone displaying intelligence, character, or ethnicity. (GRUNTS) Tonight, we reveal a shocking secret.

Kids, meet your new foster family. We love you! Uh, please don't hug me. It sickens me.

Stop ! Don't you see what's happening here ? They're fattening us up so they can eat us ! Come on, Lisa.

Really? You like it? Oh, I'd love to wear this someplace special.

We love to sweat and we love to sing We're real funky but not threatening We're the best band in the world But we'd give it all up for that special girl You're my special girl

Oh, memories! If this old place could talk. It'd say--

Oh, boy. Let's get out of here before Dad does a bad impression of Mom. HOMER: (MOCKING) Ooh! I'm Marge Simpson. Don't eat off the floor. Ooh! MARGE: I am so sick of that story about finding an onion ring in your French fries. It was 20 years ago. HOMER: That was my Woodstock!

Dear Lord! That's the loudest profanity I've ever heard.

Don't ask me. I'm just a girl!

He smells evil. Should we tell Daddy? No, let's poke him a little while longer. Hey, get away from him, you little freaks. Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry.

Wait. Frank Grimes wasnt married. How could he have a son? He happened to like hookers, okay?

Springfield sent for the one man who could clean up the town and shoot the gangsters-- Rex Banner.

Disco Stu got hooked on the white stuff back in the '70s. More, more, more How do you like it How do you like it More, more, more How do you like it How do you like it

Oh, man! Oh! Don't worry, kids. This is a national park. We can have lots of fun. I'm afraid that's no longer true, ma'am. Budget cutbacks have forced us to eliminate anything the least bit entertaining.

the do's and do-not-do's of foundation repair. Ready? Ready! First, patch the cracks in the slab using a latex patching compound and a patching trowel. Hand me my patching trowel, boy. Hmm. Now, do you have extruded polyvinyl foam insulation?

The elderly aren't like you or me, Bart. They thrive on consistency, predictability... and a life with no surprises. Sounds good to me.

Who cares? Anyway, it all happened during that magical summer of 1985. A maturing joe Piscopo left Saturday Night Live to conquer Hollywood. People Express introduced a generation of hicks to plane travel. And I was in a barbershop quartet.

Bart, would you like to say grace ? Dear God, we pay for all this stuff ourselves, so thanks for nothing. Only an innocent child could get away with such blasphemy. God bless them all. Amen. He's smoking. He's smoking.

Hello, everybody. I'm Troy McClure, star of such films as "P" is For Psycho... and The President's Neck Is Missing.

Remove the Stone of Shame. Whoo-hoo! Attach the Stone of Triumph.

Wish I was deaf. What am I going to say? This is the guy who ruined me. But on the other hand, he's family. So many conflicting emotions. How to express them? Herb?

I like Little Dot. Could you rip that off? I mean, who's gonna know? I'd know, Mom! Mmm. That little girl sure loved dots.

Ow! Those gears down there really hurt.

Apu? Never heard of him. My name is Steve Barnes. (JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING) So, when do they start singing? Well, the Playdude Advisor says this music will get a stewardess to give you a layover. I hope it's in Omaha. My grammy lives there.

Wow! This plankton's only 33 cents. According to the Mexican Council of Food, this expired two years ago. Sure, by their standards, but we live in America.

You could close down moe's or the kwik-e-mart and nobody would care but the heart and soul

So, how was it ?

I can hit that one pin all right, but the rest of them don't even wobble. I can help you, Marge. Pick up the ball. Pick up Homer. Pick him up. Oh !

I gave him a couple of blintzes to paint my fence, but he never did it! Those blintzes were terrible. Paint my fence! Make me. You give me back those blintzes then! Order! Order! We don't care about your blintzes.

I really just came home to change into a turtleneck. Seymour, sit! In the morning. Oh, Mom, I'm borrowing your car.

and show the world overweight people aren't undisciplined, lazy and irresponsible. What happened to my bird? Oh! Marge? Lisa? Flanders?

Well, Seymour, I made it-- despite your directions. Ah. Superintendent Chalmers. Welcome. I hope you're prepared for an unforgettable luncheon. Yeah.

Howdy, stranger ! I'm Bart Simpson. Who the hell are you ? Ah. Please allow me to introduce myself. I'm the devil ! And you've earned eternal damnation for your lifetime of evil deeds, Bart.

Yes. This is Homer Simpson from America. Who may I say is speaking to me?

Oh, General Gao, you were a bloodthirsty fool,

Now you listen to me. I don't like you. I never liked you. And the only reason I gave you that stupid Valentine... is 'cause nobody else would! Watch this, Lise. You can actually pinpoint the second when his heart rips in half. And... now.

it's just an extra $7,830. G.M. Chrysler! I can't afford that! But I can't close the school a day early just to suit my vacation. Or can I? Think, Seymour, think. "Go To Work With Your Parents Day"? Yes, Go To Work With Your Parents Day.

I'm not just a one-line wonder. Did you know... that a section of rain forest the size of Kansas is burned every single-- just do the line.

Well, at least you got the gum. Oww! I cut my cheek!

Hi there. Hello. I'm Dean Peterson, but you can call me Bobby. I just want you to know, if you ever feel stressed out from studying or whatever, I'm always up for some Hacky Sack. Or if you just want to come by and jam, I used to be the bass player for the Pretenders. Boy, I can't wait to take some of the starch out of that stuffed shirt.

Wow! Mister Flanders is really into the Beatles.

Going bowling. Not back, avenge deaths. Why do you have so many bowling balls? Oh! I'm not gonna lie to you, Marge. So long!

Oh! A lima bean that looks just like the Leader! I'll put it with the others. Homer, you know I always try to put the best face on everything, but there's no face on that damn bean!

Oh, come on, Luann. You know what this is. Kirk, I don't know what it is. Oy! It could not be more simple, Luann. Do you want me to show this to the cat and have the cat tell you what it is? 'Cause the cat's gonna get it. I'm sorry. I'm not as smart as you, Kirk. We didn't all go to Gudger College.

What do I do? What do I do? If you want to go right move the joy stick left. Yes. Move the... What's a joy stick? Oh, oh! Here comes a Xylon cruiser! Go into hyperspace! Wait! Where's the hyperspace?

Okay, guys. We push him out of the way in exactly three seconds. Should we correct for wind resistance? Hmm, possibly. What do you think? Oh, my.

vanilla, chocolate and strawberry ice cream.

Why you little-- Why you big-- Bart, go to your room. I'm out of here. Look, Marge, honey, baby, doll, I-- Homer, I don't even want to look at you right now. What are you saying, honey ?

because teacher has a hangover.

I didn't do it. Oh, that's right.

Uh, what do you like, Lisa? "Viomalin"? "Tubamaba"?

Moe, this is Astrid, my dealer.

"And the ugly duckling was amazed to realize it had grown into a beautiful swan." So you see, children, there is hope for anyone. Even me? No.

I like to walk down the avenue Bust a move with Disco Stu You shake me from my booty to my fro Yes, I strut down the boulevard Burning off my excess lard

Great Barrier Reef, we're under attack! Eat slaw, Skinner! We're slawin' him up good! Nelson doesn't know what he's missing. Why's he wasting his time with that Simpson chick?

Oh, uh, I'm sorry. Are you planning to stay the whole night? Yes! All right. Vote Quimby.

Seven, six-- five, four, three, two, one--

those mission bells told me that I must not stray South of the border down mexico way OlÉ!

And he taught me how to play the shehnai. That's even worse than the album Grampa released. And he taught me how to do this.

The Burmese melon fly has over 1,000 sex partners...

Oh, Seymour. And I'm not Seymour. My name is Armin. This is Armin's apartment, Armin's liquor, Armin's copy of Swank, Armin's frozen peas. Can I see your copy of Swank, Armin? Yes, you can. This is Armin's life. Maybe it's not perfect, but at least I'm back where I belong.

What's wrong with this thing?

My dream has been shattered into shards of a broken dream.

It's coming from that island. Let's steer heedlessly towards it. Heedlessly it is. The feta is cheesy The sirens are easy Boy, if they kiss as good as they lure-- wow!

Stupid carbon rod.

Uh, hold on a minute. Let me have a look at that wheelbarrow, please. Okay. just as I thought! It's a Yard King! That is a quality barrow. Well, I gotta run.

- Eat my shorts. - Pardon ?

Tubby? Oh, yes, tubby.

"Helms calls for doughnut tax." There. Done and done.

Hmm ? Uh... no. Too salty. Um... nah. Hmm ? Nah, too corny. Too exciting.

Roll your eyes back into your head... focusing on your breathing. You should feel a pleasant tingling. Ooh, I do! I do! Now get down on all fours with your rear in the air. What position is this? The American Taxpayer.

What ? Why ? Oh, yeah. Hello, Patty. Hello, Selma. - How was your trip ? - Fine. You both look well. Thank you. - Yeah, well, Merry Christmas. - It's Christmas ? You wouldn't know it around here. And why is that ?

And of course in Canada, the whole thing's flip-flopped. Oh, my! I better get you some cider.

"Best before November 1959." Damn it, Bob! There were plenty of brand-new bombs. But you had to go for that retro '50s charm.

Now behind that door is Edison's actual preserved brain. Ordinarily, folks, tour groups are not allowed to see it, and, of course, today will be no exception.

I'm Mr. Burns. Blah, blah, blah. Do this, do that. Blah, blah, blah. I think I'm so big. Blah, blah, blah! Destroy him. Blah, blah, blah. Look at me-- Ow!

Hamburger earmuffs! Uh, well, I suppose that would qualify-- Thanks, sucker! All right. just stay calm, Frinky. These babies will be in the stores... while he's still grappling with the pickle matrix.

Oh, please stop. I'm just getting started. Ohh!

Pokémon? Pokémon? Shh. With the pokey and the man... and the--

I don't know. Disgruntled Goat had his moments. Hah!

Ow! I don't understand why we have to build a ray gun to aim at a planet I never even heard of.

It's gaining on us! I'm pedaling backwards. Abandon ship!

Yeah! Heard it old school! No-o-o! Bart was so cool. - Little short. He's about this tall. - Don't print that. Word. It just sounds like something I would say.

Yeah, well, you don't. Lousy big shot. Thinks he's so big 'cause he's got a lot of guns. If he didn't have any guns, I'd show him a thing or two. What happens when he walks into my store? Then we'll see who's worried about five-day waiting periods. Dad, it's 3:00 a.m.! Can't you mutter in your room?

Oh, no. What if they botch it? I won't have a dad... for a while.

I felt like I was king of the world. I'm king of the world! Whoo-hoo! Whoo-hoo! Right about here I realize something's wrong. Yep. There I go. Then came the rocks-- jagged rocks, hitting me with their jags. The sequence became an instant comedy classic.

You're out there somewhere, Beer Baron, and I'll find you.

I'll call. Three nines. Oh! I almost had a straight! Come to new papa. Hey, what's the deal? We just spliced in some home movies. What do you think? Well, I'd rather reserve judgment until I-- Oh, my God!

If you should die before you wake-- Can't sleep. Clown'll eat me. Can't sleep. Clown'll eat me.

You made her cry. Then I cried. Then Maggie laughed. She's such a little trouper.

The sum of the square roots of any two sides of an isosceles triangle... is equal to the square root of the remaining side. - That's a right triangle, ya idiot! - D'oh!

Bart. You're up early. I couldn't sleep. What's wrong? There was no burglar.

Dental plan! Lisa needs braces. Dental plan! Lisa needs braces. Bull's-eye! Thanks a lot, Carl. Now I've lost my train of thought. Dental plan! Lisa needs braces. Dental plan! Lisa needs braces.

This scene is gettin' old, man. I'm hittin' the road. Maybe I'll drop you a line someday from wherever I wind up in this crazy old world.

I am waiting for a-- Whoa! Ooh! Aah! I didn't do it.

Hmm. The TV changes channels - every time the dog barks. (BARKS) ANNOUNCER: We return to Mel Gibson's The Salad of the Christ on Christian Carrot Theater.

- Smithers, tip over this table for me. - Yes, sir. Homer. Homer. Make them stop. Uh, Mr. Burns. Mr. Burns. Shut up and wreck something.

Oh, shush yourself. English - US - Line 21

and all the other piddly crap I wouldn't touch with a 10-foot clown pole.

Nothing a month ? Yeah, I think we can swing that.

Shh! Oh, boy! Buffalo testicles!

Homer, you moron. Homer, you genius! Geronimo!