comb.io - Clips

Sugar Hmm-hmm-hmm! Hey, Mrs. K.!

You will die a terrible, terrible death.

This is Dick Clark, rockin' down to the year 2000. And that was Whitesnake. We're not Whitesnake, dude. We're Poison. I thought we were Quiet Riot. It says here we're Ratt. Oh, right. Sorry.

Can't... lift... arm... or... speak... at... normal... rate.

Good God! Imagine it, Smithers. Electrical lights and heaters running all day long. But, sir, every plant and tree will die. Owls will deafen us with incessant hooting. The town's sundial will be useless. Ahem. I don't want any part of this project. It's unconscionably fiendish.

That man died the moment I laid eyes on the 1979 Honda Accord. I've always admired car owners. And I hope to be one myself as soon as I finish paying off Mother. She insists I pay her retroactively for the food I ate as a child.

Love you. An "A" in astronomy. How'd you do it? I just buckled down and studied. - No, really. - Well, it all started last week in Krabappel's class.

What's the big deal about a rock that looks like a dude? I've got a dad that looks like a monkey. Bart, you promised you'd stop making that comparison! Per our agreement! (GROANS IN DISGUST) Knock-kneed home renters. Can't we thin this herd with some smallpox-infected blankets?

I'm going to shave you bald, young man, until you learn that hair is not a right-- it's a privilege.

Now, children, if you have to answer nature's call during the night, - use this bucket next to Bart's head. - Hey!

Gimme that! That's your problem. You're livin' up here. You gotta live down here, in the impulse zone. If you wanna be like me, you gotta make snap decisions-- Like this!

All right, girls. Today we learn the Dance of the Fairy Queens. You can either be a fairy or a queen. It's wide open. Ah. And what have we here?

Ahh! Oh. Hello, American investor. I see you are interested in distributing Mr. Sparkle in your home prefecture. You have chosen wisely. But, please, don't believe me. Observe this commercial.

Ox was the first to go. He got a hernia carrying the crate out of the castle. Five more men died in the Veterans Day float disaster of '79. Now, with Asa gone, it's down to me and Burns.

Be myself? I've been myself for eight years, and it hasn't worked. Look at all these dorky clothes. A bathing cap, nose plugs. A microscope at the beach? Aah! What was I thinking?

Dad, you gotta let me see that movie. Can't you just give me a spanking? Come on. Go nuts. Don't point that thing at me. I said you're not going to the movie, and I'm sticking to it. Dad, I agree that Bart should be punished, but The itchy and Scratchy Movie is the defining event of our generation.

Julio Estudiante, an inner-city math teacher...

Then, on his 18th birthday, he was blown up in a silo explosion. During his long recuperation, he taught himself to hear... and feel pain again. As the years passed, he used his few leisure moments each day... to study science by mail. And, last week, Frank Grimes,

Teamwork! Come on, Bart! If I don't save the wee turtles, who will? Gah! Save me from the wee turtles!

Now, here we have beautiful hardwood floors, track lighting-- What's that stench? Once you get used to the smell of melted hog fat, you'll wonder how you ever did without it.

Dad, I think he's an ivory dealer.

The best damn pet shop in town! Yeah! All right.

Oh, quit cogitating, Steinmetz, and use an open-faced club-- the sand wedge! Mmm. Open-faced club sand wedge.

I was drinkin' so much, I forgot what life was about-- Gold! Gold! Beautiful gold! Nuggets as big as your fists!

I can be very, very persuasive. Come on! Leave town! No. - I'll be your friend. - No. Oh, you're mean.

Hello, Mr. Brown Ground. What you got for me?

When you're ready. All right, I'm ready. Wait a minute. All right. Wait a minute. Just a sec. Okay, punching isn't your thing, but that's okay. You're not that kind of fighter. What you're gonna do is stand there while your opponent gets exhausted from over-punching.

Hey. We just got away with murder. And it was so easy! You know, I've never liked that little wiener Milhouse. No more murders! But you got to kill-- No!

Roscoe. Roscoe here runs this mill. He's gonna show us around and let you get a firsthand look... at real all-American joes doing what they do best. Why would I wanna see that? You'll thank me on your wedding night.

(EXCLAIMS IN SURPRISE) Burns is alive? Then whose skull am I drinking beer out of? Boy, I can't wait to dance on his grave! Mmm-hmm. Oh, yeah. (ALL EXCLAIM) Whose grave? Uh, the unknown soldier? Carry on.

Yeah, I know I'm on. But I don't care. I don't read the news until I get my Danish. Go ahead. Try to find a replacement. Aah!

Your conscience? Lisa, don't let that pushy little weenie tell you what to do. Homer, that's a terrible thing to say. - Oh, shut up. - Yes, sir.

I used to be a fat, disgusting slob.

Hello. Listen Lady. Uh, I'm in some hot soup here, Marge. Some teenagers are hanging out in front of the store. I-i think they could start slacking at any moment. Well, Ned, you don't have to stand for that. You just march right up to those youngsters and tell them to vamoose.

Kneel before my slingshot, puny earthling!

14-karat gold. Take a hike, boss. I'm running things now. All hail King Homer.

Fist Face? Who's Fist Face? Why won't you tell me who Fist Face is? I demand you reveal the identity of Fist Face! It's you! (GRUNTS) You can tell by the way the pie tin sits on his face that he's very good-looking. Oh, I think you'd find his filling extremely hot.

Huh. Nothin' like a depressant to chase the blues away.

Ladies and gentlemen, the Springfield Mall, in conjunction with Nostalgia Licensing Corporation-- is proud to present the stars of Bonanza. Thank you. I just wish Ben and Hoss and Little joe...

I'm sorry. I thought he was a party robot. Oh! This is why I can't have nice things! Every time I design a robot, somebody comes along and-- Hang on, Linguo. You'll be up and conjugating in no time.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Oh, here he comes. What is it now, Quimby? Nothing. Nothing. Only the, uh, city has just passed... another tax on puffy directing pants. But I don't wear puffy pants! I meant a, uh, tax on not wearing puffy pants. Oy! I'm sorry.

And yet, they've managed to raise an emotionally healthy son. That's fantastic. Oh, thank you. We can all learn a lot from this young man here. This-This-- Rudiger. Rudiger. And if we can all be more like little Rudiger-- - His name is Bart. - His name isn't important.

I'm not gonna give up. I refuse to believe that everyone refuses to believe the truth. I'd like 25 copies on goldenrod--

What kind of pathetic drunk do you take me for? Somebody spilled beer in this ashtray. Ahh.

You might remember me from such self-help videos as... Smoke Yourself Thin and Get Confident, Stupid. Well, now I'm here to tell you about the only real path to mental health. That's right. It's the Brad Goodman... something or other. Marge, can I go outside and play? Shh.

I'd like you to meet-- Aah! It's Sideshow Bob! What the..? I'm afraid their reaction is understandable. Bart is the shamus in short pants who sent me to prison.

I call the big one Bitey.

- Wow. Thanks for saving us. - No problem. Now let's get you kids home. Wait a minute. Xena can't fly. - I told you. I'm not Xena. I'm Lucy Lawless. - Oh.

(KRUSTY CLOCK LAUGHING) KRUSTY CLOCK: It's Tuesday, the first. If you live in Krusty Brand low-income housing, your rent is due! (YAWNS) (SCREAMS) "Dear Bart, if this robot doesn't prove I love you,

Mom, this is for you-- 15 pounds of Vancouver smoked salmon. Here. Smell it. Oh, Bart, you didn't have to do that. Ohh!

Oh, so many flavors! All those tasty memories flooding back. If it doesn't fit, you must acquit. Therefore, I shall resign the presidency. That's one small step for man,

(DIALING) FEMALE VOICE: You've reached Fox. If you're pitching a show where gold-digging skanks get what's coming to them, press one. If you're pitching a rip-off of another network's reality show, press two. Please stay on the line. Your half-baked ideas are all we've got.

We're here for the field trip.

Well, is he the dog or isn't he? Yeah. That's him, all right. Sorry, boy. I didn't plan this. It just sort of happened.

My baby! Your baby! No!

Hey! That's not the wallet inspector.

All right. I can't waste any more time. People's lives are depending on me. Mr. Sulu, make a left! Aye, aye, Captain. Setting course for Rigel Seven. I mean home.

Marge, please. Let's not fight in front ofthe kids.

All right! Everybody in the pool! - 'Tis a fine barn, but sure 'tis no pool, English. - D'oh-ith!

Hey, Homer, who's the manatee?

(ALL LAUGHING) What a delightful practically-based joke. Hello? Anyone home? Marge? Maggie?

Ooh! QuÉ malo. Once again, I must sugar my own churro. But I am just a simple librarian.

Oh! That was a close one, Lisa, but you made it.

Hi, everyone. If I could just say a few words, I'd be a better public speaker.

Wait! Look at the screen! The baby continues to reminisce. Oh, Elton John! That's my name. Well, not really. Stephen Hawking! Hi, I'm Ron Howard. Billy Baldwin! I'm Alec Baldwin.

I've been sittin' on the toilet All the livelong day Is everything ready for the secret meeting? Yes, sir. I hope no one finds out about this. It's pure journalistic dynamite! Uh, sir, this place could be bugged. Shh.

Hello. I'm Leonard Nimoy.

Well, don't that beat all? I guess you folks just stunned him. That's what we've been trying to tell you! Well, looks like you folks are free to go. But don't you set foot in the state of Florida again. Fine. There are plenty of other states that are happy to have us.

Arr! Ninety sea chanteys on three compact discs.

Back! Back, I say! Oh, no! I'm out of popcorn! Throw your peanuts! You throw your peanuts! Look! It's Mom! Out of the way!

Remember. You were born in Green Bay, Wisconsin. Your parents were Herb and Judy Nahasapeemapetilon. And if you do not wish to arouse suspicion, I strongly urge you to act American.

Oh, my God! What is that?

All right. But after Leno, I'm all laughed out, you know. You know, Conan, I have a lot to say. I'm not just a one-line wonder. Did you know... that a section of rain forest the size of Kansas is burned every single-- just do the line. I didn't do it.

Hello, Queen Lisa. Bart! What are you doing in my room? Lisa, certain differences-- rivalries, if you will-- have come up between us. At first I thought we could talk it over like civilized people, but instead I just ripped the head off Mr. Honey Bunny.

People! People! It's time we all discussed the pool safety rules. jump, Bart! Jump! jump, Bart! Jump! - You got it! - Hey, Bart! Your epidermis is showing! It is? Oh. Uh, wh-oa-oa!

Oh, he's on the Blue Man Group again. Come on. We've got lots of time. Oh, no! We're out of gas. I couldn't figure out this stupid Italian gas gauge.

I'm trying to knock you out. Ow! Cut it out! Ow! Ow!

Lucky mouse. Huh?

Here come sandwiches Here come sandwiches

What are you gonna spend your money on, kids? There's a special on tacos down at the Taco Mat-- hundred tacos for $100-- I'm gonna get that. I'm gonna contribute my money to the Corporation for Public Broadcasting. Tacos? Public broadcasting? I won't have you kids throwing away your money like that.

Wow! Homer, it's like there's a party in my mouth and everyone's invited. Hey, your love tester's busted. I want my nickel back. Hey, buddy, have one on the house. Hey, this drink is delicious and my phlegm feels looser.

I say, "Yes." I don't check this machine, but I don't own the place, even though my name's up there. Long story, but that doesn't matter. I'm gonna have to run it through the computer. Is that a good siren ? Am I approved ?

Are you interested in that motorized tie rack, Principal Skinner? Hmm. It's awfully loud. Well, you can always take the motor out... and use it as an ordinary tie rack. But now the ties are motionless. Those in back are virtually inaccessible.

"Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today... to bid farewell to Blood and Guts Murphy." No! It was Bleeding Gums Murphy! Ew! Anyway, - "Bloody Gums Murphy was quite the sousaphone player." - Saxophone!

Hey! I like your hat. A compliment! Scanning for sarcasm. It's clean. Go! Thanks. Um, you guys skate?

Oh. Two glass eyes. Oh, it's not fair. I'm not supposed to die now. I'm supposed to die in a foolish motorcycle stunt at the age of 15.

You mean, it ate Patrick too? It ate everybody. What about Erica? It ate everybody! It ate everybody, stupid!

It's breathtaking.

It's almost game time. Where the devil are my ringers? Mike Scioscia may not live through the night. Steve Sax is looking at six life sentences. Ozzie Smith seems to have vanished off the face of the earth. Cool!

That's awful! I almost wish it were drugs. Some of it is.

Homer, I want that thing out of my house.

MILHOUSE: Hello? Hello? I had to leave because my French bread pizza dinged. Hello?

What the hell's goin' on? Well, we hated being mad at you, Homer. So we decided to make things right. Consider your debt repaid, neighbor. And then some.

See? This morning I turned bacon, eggs, and toast into a smiley face for Bart and Homer. What's the point? They'll never notice. Oh, well, you'd surprised. Hmm, umm, hmm...

J She's worried about the state of public schools J J She likes to party She likes to rockJ J She prays that our schools dont run out of chalkJ Boo! JJ

Oh, no, you don't!

You guys at the bureau thought of everything. Hey, look! The F.B.I. Light Opera Society Sings the Complete Gilbert and Sullivan. Three little maids from school are we Pert as a schoolgirl well can be Filled to the brim with girlish glee, three little girls from school

Hi, Lisa. Hi, Super Nintendo Chalmers. I'm "learnding." Aw, way to go, Ralph. Oh, she's a beaut. You can't beat a Coleco. How many can I put you down for? A lot? Please say a lot. I need this.

- Knock him out, Reverend! - Ow! Ooh! - Ow! - Oh, the devil has given him superhuman strength. Give me that, you noodle-armed choir boy! Ow! Well, that didn't do it, Mr. Kilt. Look. Let's the three of us try it together. Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! oh! Ooh! Why?

I'm Lenny. This is Carl and Homer. I'm Lenny. How do you do? Wow. You've got pencils with your name on 'em. just like a pencil company executive. I'd give anything for one of these. Any office supply company can have 'em made up for you. - Can I have this one? - No. Can... Lenny have it? No.

The spirit of Cesar Chavez. Why do you look like Cesar Romero? Because you don't know what Cesar Chavez looks like. Why are you here? To tell you not to give up.

Man, this place looks expensive! I feel like I'm wasting a fortune just standing here.

My God! That maniac is headin' straight for us! Go, Secretariat! Go! Ow! Hey, it's Dad. Right on time. We're gettin' out of here now. jump in, Marge.

All right, we'll be right back.

Wonders, Lisa? Or blunders? I think that was implied by what I said. Implied, Lisa? Or implode? Mom, make him stop.

Ow! Otto man? You're living in a Dumpster? Oh, man, I wish. Dumpster brand trash bins are top-of-the-line. This is just a Trash-co waste disposal unit. Come home with me. You can stay in our garage. A garage! Somebody up there likes me.

What's the matter? Scared you might like it? I'll show you who's scared. Oh, WOW. This really hides my thighs. Sisters are doing it for themselves Hey, why is this door locked?

I'll take one, Achoo. No, not "choo," "poo." I got troubles with both.

I'm just relieved that Homer's safe and that you've recovered,

Go into hyperspace! Wait! Where's the hyperspace?

I am going to explain this to you one more time, and then I'm going to hang up on you. It is not my dog ! I tied my dog outside myself ! I am looking at him right-- Doh !

Here, use my ball. Mm, no. No. No, thank you, Mr., um, Brunswick. Call me jacques. jacques. Marge.

- Hello, Ruth. - Hi, Marge. I was wondering if you had a power sander I could borrow. Homer? Nope. That's one right there. All right. But, remember, it's mine.

Why don't you just take Britney Beers and get out of here?

Hey there, son. Oh, hi, Dad. With that little outfit on, everyone's gonna think you're playing in the tournament. I am playing in the tournament. It's gonna be tough without a partner. I've got a partner. Well, good for you. Anyone I know? Yeah, you know her.

Oh! I guess I was the last one. Damn it.

Ah, forget it. Let's go. - Find any winners, son ? - Sorry, Dad.

F-L-A His name is Ned E-R-S It's a stupid name He's worse than Frankenstein or Dr. No You can't upset him even slightly He just smiles and nods politely Then goes home and worships nightly His Leftorium is an emporium of woe

Nope. Nope. Nope. He wouldn't even hear me out. Find the bathroom all right? Uh... yeah.

England is so classy. Every cab has its own butler. Actually, I'm not a butler. I had already hired this cab when you got in. But the more the merrier, and all that. (CHUCKLING) Make with the tea, Jeeves. Yes. Very good, sir.

which was the style at the time. Now, to take the ferry cost a nickel.

That's right. Homer Simpson. D'oh! Freeze, you little shock jocks! Brilliant. They transduced amplitude modulation... via the concavity of that oversized beverage conveyance.

Maybe we should see a counselor.

Yes, you ! Baboon, baboon, baboon, baboon ! I don't think you realize what you're saying. Baboon !

Wow! A former president living right across the street!

He misses casual sex. Can we keep Santa's girlfriend, Mom?

Yea ! All right ! People ! What have I told you about encouraging him ? When Bart wins approval for making a fool of himself, it makes him think that he's-- Yea, Bart !

Nelson, put that globe down! Milhouse, stay out of my desk! Jimbo, that's my Princey Award! Quiet, Principal Spinner! Hey, I got Skinner's key card! We can finally see our permanent records! No! You can't go in there!

Quick, Mom. Whip up a cake before Dad fires ya.

Hi, little fella. I got some nice juicy flies for you. Geez, Louise. Look at this mess. I told that boy a billion times to pick up his jun--

I begged him to stop, but he said it was for the good of the nation. Big deal! When I was a pup, we got spanked by presidents till the cows came home. Grover Cleveland spanked me on two nonconsecutive occasions! Grampa, I know in your day spanking was common, but Homer and I just don't believe in that kind of punishment.

The Itchy and Scratchy Show

Bucka bucka, or woozle wozzle. Somethin' like that. Forget it, Dad. If I ever become famous, I want it to be for something worthwhile, not because of some obnoxious fad. Obnoxious fad? Ah, don't worry, Son. You know, they said the same thing about Urkel. That little snot boy. I'd like to smack that kid!

Sit perfectly still. Only I may dance. "just do the line." "just do the line."

No more storing up the anger until I explode. If any of you does something I don't like, you are gonna hear about it! All right! Yes, that's very healthy, Ned. And if you really tick me off, I'm gonna run you down with my car. Yeah, uh-- Um--

All right! A care bucket. Hot Thai soup! Oh, Bart! "Dear Lisa, you rock. "Mom is calling rescue agencies, "Dad is building a giant ladder, "but it is of poor quality.

Somebody's been sleeping in my bed. Somebody's been sleeping in my bed. Somebody's been sleeping in my bed. Well, I'm sorry. But it was a 150 degrees in the car.

It gave us a chance to pursue solo projects. I returned to my first love-- the legitimate theater. As a young female artist, I really love living in this East Village loft. Oh. That must be our new landlord, Mr. Stingley.

we'd like imprison Bart for five years. That's tough, but fair. Boy, go with the man. No, no, no, no! I'm not going to have my son go to jail over some silly tiff with Australia. You'll just have to find some other country to have relations with. You're sure, now? The prison train is sailing.

That's false advertising! Sorry, sir. No refunds. I paid for a colossal doughnut, and I'm gonna get a colossal doughnut. You don't scare us.

I am richer than you. (TRUMPETS PLAYING) Look out, Jonah. It's a whale. (ROARING) Jonah! Jonah! Jonah!

Come on, janey. Everybody has a talent. I want to see yours, that's all. I don't have a talent.

And when you do, people will remember you. Just look at these postage stamps. There's Bugs Bunny, Fat Elvis, Autumn in New England, Bats of the Southwest, all heroes. Do you want to see Elvis kiss a bat? (MIMICKING ELVIS PRESLEY) Hey, baby, come here. I want to kiss you. (KISSING) Squeak, squeak! No, don't kiss me.

It's your heart. And I think it's on its last thump. Whew! I was afraid it was my transmission. Hey, where's he goin'? Billy, remember that old Plymouth we just couldn't fix? We're gonna sell him to Mr. Nikapopolus? You're a dull boy, Billy.

I don't see why all this is necessary. Come on, Patty. You don't wanna show up for your big date... looking like Yosemite Sam.

Simpson. Hot diggity! I don't care if it's bad news. Oh, Grampa, you're not busy, are you? Well, you're really asking two questions there. The first one takes me back to 1934. Admiral Byrd had just reached the Pole, only hours ahead of the Three Stooges.

A chick flick? Say it ain't so, Ho!

I really just came home to change into a turtleneck. Seymour, sit!

Happy birthday to you Happy birthday - Happy birthday to you - Happy birthday Happy birthday, Burnsie Happy birthday to you Go to hell, you old bastard. Hey, I think they liked us.

There's no swimsuit competition, Homer. You mean I shaved my bikini zone for nothing?

Does that earring mean you're a pirate? Kinda. Ah, the seas have quieted.

Anybody else? Come on.

I mean, getting off together. I mean-- That's okay. I'll just push the button for the stimulator.

Hey, hurry it up with the cards, Lenny. I've got you clocked at two miles per hour. Come on, put that away. Those radar guns give you cancer. All the more reason to hurry up. Hey, what could be going 100 miles per--

But I promise tomorrow's freak-out will go a lot smoother. There won't be any more freak-outs. You're not a hippie, and you never were. Yes, but-but the poncho-- Please, Homer, just leave us alone. Hmm.

Un-kink the hose.

Marge, me, and do you think you could dig up Al jolson?

but only because Manjula's getting on in years. Then it is agreed. Your third daughter will marry our first son. It is done. Oh. I cannot get married. I am just beginning to enjoy my bachelorhood.

Take that snake! And you too! Snakes, snakes everywhere. Getting ready for Whacking Day? What's Whacking Day? Did you bring the pre-whacked snakes?

and make 'em reenact the Civil War. Dad, that doesn't help people. Couldn't hurt-- unless the monkeys started hurting people. Which they almost certainly would. Brothers! Brothers!

What is all this stuff? Uh, we've heard you've become a star. We decided we better start living in the fast lane. What if I'm not a success? How will you pay for all this? I'm sorry. I can't hear you, son. I'm wearing a jacuzzi suit. I just missed out...

I learned it screws everybody up. There's that side of it, but there's also-- Help me out here, Lisa. Sorry, Mom, I've decided to save my love... for someone who's guaranteed not to reject me. Soon, Cory, soon.

You promised to stop watching that telly and take me on holiday. Shut up-a your mouth! Ethnic Mismatch Comedy #644... has been canceled. While we scramble to find new programming, please enjoy this encore presentation of Princess Di's funeral. I was really starting to enjoy...

Stop chasing Ganesh! You're just gonna get more wrath!

That's not funny.

Stan Lee came back? Stan Lee never left. And I'm starting to think that his mind is no longer in mint condition. You broke my Batmobile! Broke, or made it better?

Ah! The Mutton Chop Murderer is long gone. But this ledger will lead us to him. (GROANS) This potion will give me new life. (GRUNTS) I'm alive! I'm gonna go to America!

it's company policy to give you the plague. Uh, sir, that's the plaque. Ah, yes. The special demotivational plaque... to break what's left of your spirit. Because, you see, you're here forever.

No, wait, wait. That's no good. I know. Your grandfather, remember? It all started on an outing for dinner. Say, I've got a neat idea. Why don't you go in and pick up my mother, and we'll all go out to dinner? I'll be back in a jiffy.

But to keep the family from missing out on Christmas, I'd do anything. I'll say, Dad. You must really love us to sink so low. Now, let's not get mushy, son. I still have a job to do. Hey, little ones. Santa's back. Ho ho-- D'oh ! Damn it to--

By gum, it worked. I've awakened in the future. "Moon Pie." What a time to be alive.

Approach, my sons. You may ask me three questions. That's great, because all I need is one. Are you really the head of the Kwik-E-Mart? Yes. Really? Yes. You?

Lisa, ordinarily I'd say you should stand up for what you believe in. But you've been doing that an awful lot lately. Yeah. You made us march in that Gay Rights Parade.

Hee. Hmm. Hmm. This looks suspicious, but delicious! Hey-- Hey! Huh? Wha--

Hello, my name is Mr. Burns. I believe you have a letter for me. Okay, Mr. Burns. Uh, what's your first name ? I don't know. Great plan, Bart !

Oh, man. To get all that, you'd have to kill, like, 50 people. No. You don't have to kill anyone, not if you have jobs. And the first step is an eye-catching rÉsume. No, I believe it's pronounced "rÉsume." Actually, both are acceptable. Yeah. I did see some bikers ride by here...

Cypress Creek, A Tale of One City.

Hmm. A disheveled and malnourished man found sleeping in his own filth. Seems confused and dehydrated. Where's the baby? Well, that's her, ain't it? Kids love that water. Oh, my lord! Stupid babies need the most attention.

Hey, that's cute. Good work, Dad. It's fun for the whole family. And the ends are razor sharp-- to protect our nation and its interests. Ow! God bless America.

The way people act around here, you'd think the streets were paved with gold. They are.

Oh, you're gonna break like matchsticks. I promise you that! Hey. I made some Rice Krispie squares for our hungry deprogrammerinos. Aw, man! You ruined the atmosphere, ya daft pansy! Well, this is my rumpus room. Ach! Don't call it that!

Hi, Homer. I'm keepin' two of my fingers crossed... that you're gonna have that nuclear generator up to full power by tomorrow. Uh, yes, sir. No problemo. Good. By the way, Homer, what's your least favorite country? Italy or France? France. Nobody ever says Italy.

BART: Check it out. Principal Skinrash. Nice work, Bart, but give him a runny nose. I want the readers to gag on their morning cup of joe. Snot a problem, chief. Don't call me chief. - Sure thing, jerk. - Chief is fine.

But there's lots of other fun instruments, like bass. I hope you wont judge the entire Brian Setzer Orchestra by my actions. Rock and roll is supposed to be about peace and love. - Who said that? - Will you stop saying that? - Simpson! - S h h _

Professor Rocko, Chancellor Knuckles?

- Huzzah! - Whoo-hoo! D'oh!

Gloria, you better tell your boyfriend to be a good little hostage. He's not my boyfriend. Mr. Burns is. Homer just comes along on our dates and carries us to the bedroom. You're dating that old trilobite? Gross! We're in love, Snake. Don't say that, baby.

You know what's great about you English? Octopussy. Man, I must have seen that movie... twice. Yes. Yes. That's not too bad.

I'm sorry, Homer. Your H.M.O. doesn't cover this type of injury. But I have finger insurance! A thumb is not a finger. Isn't there anything you can do? Well, I could cut off the other thumb for a sense of symmetry. Symmetry, eh?

First, you must get to know your lane. Feel the slickness. Feel the satiny finish. Caress it. Experience it. Quite smooth, isn't it, Marge ? Ooh, very smooth. Smooth ? Yes ? Yes, very. Yes. - Yes. Smooth ? Yes. - Smooth. Yes.

(ALL GASP) Bart Simpson, I hereby sentence you to six months at the Springfield Juvenile Correctional Facility.

Later on, it was Kid Presentable. Then Kid Gruesome. And, finally, Kid Moe. Hey, what's this? Oh, that-- that's my old spit bucket. Yeah, I've been meanin' to empty that out. You know Lucius Sweet? He's one of the biggest names in boxing. He's exactly as rich and as famous as Don King,

Look. Just give me some inner peace, or I'll mop the floor with ya!

Help! Police! "To protect and sever"? Hmm.

Whoo! Ah, yeah You got Poison to play at our wedding? We're Cyanide. A loving tribute to Poison. We need a ride home!

Wait a minute. Homer! A lot of these are Grand Funk Railroad songs! And we don't know "Pac-Man Fever." Oh, come on. It plays itself! Pac-Man fever Doo-doo-doo-doo It's a-driving me crazy Look, Lisa. Daddy's in the Who.

Now you gotta eat that too!

As a representative of planet Earth, let me be the first to say-- D'oh! He's gone. And we still don't have any proof. Oh, yes, we do. I got it all on tape.

It doesn't seem to matter now. So the following people are gay. - Turn it off. - just a second.

That means Dad's not a kidnapper. He's a hostage! Get off my lawn, coppers, or I'll totally turn the sprinklers on! Come on, Snake. You don't want to soak all these people. We're in minute two of this standoff. What's the situation, Chief?

Murder? Well, mistakes have been made.

Wherever my soul mate is, it's not here.

Was that me, or was that you? Help! Nurse! Someone's trying to kill me! Okay, we'll do something about that right away. Let's start by doubling your medication.

This is the end. You are expelled from Springfield Elementary. Aw.

Otherwise click "No."

See, it's all legit. Now make with the party. All right, boy! Which con did you work here? Copy off another kid? Pay attention and take notes?

Kids, there's three ways to do things-- the right way, the wrong way and the Max Power way. Isn't that the wrong way? Yeah, but faster! D'oh! We should really put that in the corner.

there is something worse and it really does blow when A long-running series does A cheesy clip show I'm back to commit

groove me, baby hey Good God it make me feel so good inside, mama Shh!

Yes! In your freckled face, Howard. - Unbelievable. - What? Nothing, nothing. Good hustle.

Stuff like that-- Ohh! Look, kids. I just got my party invitations back from the printers. "Come to Homer's BBBQ. The extra 'B' is for BYOBB." What's that extra "B" for? That's a typo.

Hey-Hey ! Krusty !

I've got a weekend job helping the poor, and I'm only eight. That's not a job. It's a waste of time. What can poor people pay you? Nothin'! What satisfaction do you get from helping them? None! Who wants to help poor people anyway? Nobody!

This is an outrage! I am not a clumsy Clouseau-esque waiter! I will-- Whoa! Whoo! Whoo! Ooh! Ow! Ow! Ow!

The evil overlords, get home. As wacky as those kids were, they were no match for Captain Wacky, later renamed "Homer." Wake up, everybody! It's World War III! Quick! Down to the fallout shelter! The bombs are dropping!

You didn't say which bed! Go to your bed! Make me! I'll make you!

Have you ever read "The Boy Who Cried Wolf"? I glanced at it. Boy cries "wolf," has a few laughs. I forget how it ends.

Think, think, think. I better get up. I'm whizzin' with the door open, and I love it.

Get off the road, you freakin' maniac! Yeah, you jackass! Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!

This is Armin's life. Maybe it's not perfect, but at least I'm back where I belong.

Oh. Aah ! - Uh-oh. Stop ! - Mmm ! Lunchtime ! Ha, ha, ha ! Lunchtime ! Aah !

And this proposed expressway will bring... increased commerce to all local merchants. What's in it for us? Yeah, give us something we like, or we'll ride you out of town on a rail! Well, what do you, uh, people like? Sleep! Sexy dames and plenty of 'em!

Oh. MacGyver's gay. Oh! You bad-mouthed MacGyver, didn't you? Ma-- Uh-- Ma-- Huh? What you doin', Marge? Making out the jury list for the film festival.

Look. It's Mister Cashew, the Koobler Dwarves, Snip, Krinkle, and Poof. Twinkle the Kidd, I love you. Whoa, easy there, partner. (GROANING) Uh-oh. You killed him.

You wife-beating drunk. Ooh! There's going to be a town meeting to decide... how to spend Mr. Burns's money. Oh, what a boon it could be for our underfunded public schools. Children, it's time for your history lesson. Put on your virtual reality helmets.

All useless. The credits really have to go this long? Oh, shush yourself. English - US - Line 21

Quiet, you blundering fool! You'll curse us all!

See, Maggie? See the fun box? Do do do do do do Do do do do

I got nothing against him, but I'm definitely gonna make orphans of his children. Uh, they do have a mother, Champ. Yes, but I would imagine that she would die of grief. Thank you, thank you,

Sanjay, to the entrance with the Windex.

shake your booty ow, if you Can you can do it very well

Honey, are you sure you want to be Mrs. Montgomery Burns? Wouldn't you rather be Mrs. Abraham J. Simpson? No. I don't want to be either. Hot diggety damn! That's good enough for me.

I've gotta stop fantasizing about Lee Majors. Ah, one more.

durable outer casing to prevent fall-apart.

Thanks for poisoning the planet, bastard! Get bent! No more Chernobyls! Go to hell! You know, I was a little worried about coming to this convention with you. But I think as long as we're not alone together--

"Australia was originally founded as a settlement for British convicts."

And it has "freedom" written all over it. Sir, that's Cuba. Cuba, eh? Take her down, Smithers. Uh, you're flying the plane, sir. Excellent. Sorry about the landing, boys. This fog is so thick, i can't see my own cataracts.

Hmm. I did too. Better get the gun. Where's he going ? Probably to get the old man his pipe and slippers.

Your busy day is at an end Your exploits have been sad and boring They tell a tale that's worth ignoring When you're alone the words of your story

Weren't you a little hard on him? Well, you knew I had a temper when you married me. Ned Flanders is on the phone. Oh, if this is about that stupid quarter again, I... Hello, Ned. Sorry to bother you, Reverend Lovejoy.

Then a team of doctors administers eye drops, painkillers... and a vocal-cord scraping. Don't worry. You won't feel a thing... till I jam this down your throat. The whole ordeal leaves Mr. Burns twisted and disoriented.

Homer, you're not allowed to have hurt feelings right now.

Hello, jerry? Homer Simpson. Remember last month when I paid back that loan? Well, now I need you to do a favor for me. A left-handed corkscrew?

Now over the years, a newsman learns a number of things... that for one reason or another he just cannot report.

The head ! Kill 'em ! All right. All right. All right, already. We know this part. Oh, yeah, right.

No, Mother. It's just the northern lights. Well, Seymour, you are an odd fellow, but I must say you steam a good ham. Help! Help!

Hey. What's goin' on on this side?

Come on, Ginger. Let's go back to Vegas. Yeah. I'm sure there's poker games we can be won in.

And a hot plate!

Yeah, he's done.

Bart did it. And they're gonna try for a field goal. A field goal? Hmm, 19, 20, 21-- That would win the game.

- Hmm? - Who or what is Hugo? Hmm. I'm afraid we haven't been entirely honest with you, Bart. You see, you have a brother. So I have two brothers?

This little piggy went to Kwik-E-Mart. This little piggy went nuts. This little piggy went surfing. And this little piggy went-- Oh! Look, Marge! Maggie lost her baby legs. Oh, my God.

Earthquake! Nurse!

Boy, I tried ordering you. I tried punishing you. And, God help me, I even tried reasoning with you. And the only thing left for me to do is jump the gorge myself. Uh-- What ? Why ? Because that way you'll see what it's like... to witness a family member stupidly risking his life for no good reason. But, Dad, you'll never make it.

And so, Herschel Krustofski... is gone, but not forgotten. Today was the unveiling of the new Krusty stamp. Postal patrons were asked to choose between two competing designs-- one of Krusty's heartwarming smile, and one of his fiery death. By a nearly two-tO-One vote, the smiling Krusty was chosen.

For you, Homie. I'm Sir Loves-A-Lot, the bear who loves to love. They didn't have Lord Huggington? It's the same basic bear, Homie. I guess.

J Love is a battlefields Huh? Huh? Huh? Ow! J At iastJ J Relax Don 't do itJ - pp - Disco Stu should have disco ducked. Ow.

Uh-- "Gee, Betsy, it's such a nice night. Why don't we go all the way?" "But, Greg, my dad will kill me. And you have that scholarship to Ivy League State." "Loosen up, baby. Tomorrow I'm shipping off to Vietnam." I-- I thought I was going to Ivy League State. My mistake. Stay in the moment.

The conditions were irrevocable. Aggravated assault, manslaughter, stealing cable. What ? Marge ! Lisa ! Maggie !

Ohh. i remember Little Vicki Valentine. Her perky smile and dancing brought America right out of the Depression.

What? No, it's my dog. Oh, he is a gem! Here, boy. Would you like these cookies Martin made for me? My raisin roundies! My dog's name is Santa's Little Helper. One time he crawled under the house, and when he came out, he was covered with ants.

Eww! Slimy. Uh-oh! Moving. Aha! Aw. Twenty dollars. I wanted a peanut. Twenty dollars can buy many peanuts. Explain how. Money can be exchanged for goods and services. Whoo-hoo! Whoa!

You are my candy girl No, wait. They're just my teeth. Well, I can still make a necklace out of them. And you got me

Agent Wesson, Department of Labor. This man's an illegal alien. That's preposterous. Zutroy here is as American as apple pie. Mr. Burns.

D'oh! Okay, everybody. Let's see some big smiles.

Ah, he could've killed this one days ago. The body is bloated and the face is rotten. (GRUNTS) It was five minutes ago, you twit! (GROANS) (SNIFFING) Hmm. (PEOPLE CLAMORING)

This taco is full of hair. Uh-huh. There's your explanation. Shall we tell Marge? Let her read about it in the society page. Homer?! Oh.

(MUTTERING INCOHERENTLY)

I'll be right there. All right, people, we've got an escaped octopus on the roof of Springfield Elementary. Let's roll! Two cameras! Let's go! Come on! Come on! So, once again, I've been had.

Aw, what the hell. You deserve it. Thanks, kids. To Krusty, the greatest entertainer in the world-- Except maybe that guy.

No! No! No one is taking my kids from me! Run, children, run! Come back here with my young'un!

Now, calm down, Neddilly-diddilly-diddilly- diddilly-diddilly.

Ohh! Homer mad! Homer smash! Get revenge on world! Look! It's the Incredible Hulk!

Workin' overtime Work out B-B-Baby you ain't seen nothin' yet Whoo! I ain't seen nothin' yet! We just did!

Could you possibly watch the kids tonight? Oh, gee, I'd really love to want to help you, Flanders, but, uh, Marge was taken prisoner... in the... Holy Land, and--

their evil heartS we'll pulverize oh, whacking day oh, whacking day May God bestow his grace on thee Here you go. Official Whacking Day parking. Ten dollars per axle.

Hey, fellas. I'm back. Oh, that's great. Your replacement is getting tired. Hey, Queenie, you can go now. I'll give her a good home. And I did.

There's bacon. Canadian bacon. Mexican bacon! And a mouthwatering veal chop.

Robots rumble! Go, go, go!

Dad, I beg you to reconsider. Tractor pulls, Atlanta Braves baseball, Joe Franklin ! Hmm. Hmm ?

You know, I'm no art critic, but I know what I hate, and I don't hate this.

Doggone it! You ruined my message! Ow! What's the matter with you, you crazy old buzzard? Get off me! You're making me mad! Ooh-wee! My humble love note...

Hmm. Pablo Neruda said laughter is the language of the soul. I am familiar with the works of Pablo Neruda. I think we should do a test.

Hey, boss. just in case you need it. Ahh, thanks, guys. Now get out of here! Oh, I didn't realize this hill was so high.

Okay, players, that's a wrap! Huh? Nice work, everybody. Wait a minute. This whole thing was a setup? But Skinner got shot. Aah! Yup. Blanks and a blood pack.

You lose. Get off my property. Let's have the next child.

Her new sweetie is a jailbird. Cool, he can teach us... how to kill a man with a lunch tray. Now, now, he's an ex-convict. He's paid his debt to society. Then why aren't you using... the good silverware? I'm just not.

to think you can change a man. But those women are quitters! What? When I first met your father, he was loud, crude and piggish. But I worked hard on him, and now he's a whole new person. Mom? He's a whole new person, Lisa.

Welcome aboard.

And Mr. Boswell, the man behind those infamous worst-dressed lists. Mr. Boswell, can you give us a sneak peek at this year's list? Memo to Goldie Hawn: cheerleading tryouts were 30 years ago. Let's grow up, shall we? He's such a bitch.

My school picture. Daddy would like a word with you, Barty.

Well, I am going to avenge my grandfather. We'll take on that greedy union, and we'll get back our... dental plan.

We interrupt Sadrudin Mabaradad's Yoga Party for this special bulletin-- "Krisis at Kamp Krusty." Ladies and gentlemen, I've been to Vietnam, Afghanistan and Iraq, and I can say without hyperbole... that this is a million times worse than all of them put together.

We're in the money We're in the money

Yeah, b-- but my hands are up! Hula out of them! All right, Officer. Eh-- Where the-- What the heck is goin' on out there? Officer Sniffy.

Elizabeth Taylor. Bette Midler. Bette and I owned a racehorse together: Krudler. Hey, Bart, if we get all these big stars to appear on a special with Krusty, it might get his career going again.

No... Well, we used to have burping contests but I outgrew it. If you want to get closer to him maybe you should bridge the gap. I do it all the time. I pretend I'm interested in power tools going to silly car-chase movies and things I'll tell you when you're older.

Feel the slickness. Feel the satiny finish. Caress it. Experience it. Quite smooth, isn't it, Marge ? Ooh, very smooth. Smooth ? Yes ? Yes, very. Yes. - Yes. Smooth ? Yes. - Smooth. Yes. You could eat off of it. You hungry ? Yes. Four onion rings !

If you talk to him without mentioning Bart you'd see how sane he is. You mean there really is a Bart? Good Lord!

Uh, do you know "Insane in the Brain"? We mostly know classical, but we could give it a shot. Now, this I like.

Spring break! Yeah! Well, when are we gonna get rowdy?

Oh, sweetie! Hmm. Oh.

Tough break, Dad. I guess people just weren't ready for Poochie. Maybe in a few years. Good news, everybody. I'm movin' into my own apartment with two sexy ladies.

Oh, I love to perambulate It's standing still I really hate So let me please reiterate I love to-- - D'oh! Oh, my feet are inside me.

Of all the rip-off, screw-job, gyp-joint-- Forget you, pal. Thanks for nothing. So I say, "Forget you, pal ! Thanks for nothing !" - And I storm right outta there. - That's tellin' 'im, Homer. Doh ! Out of tartar sauce.

To the most beautiful moment in life. Better than the deed, better than the memory-- the moment of anticipation. Oh, jacques, you handsome devil. Look at you. You're really going to strike out tonight !

Hello. I'm Dr. Stupid. I'm going to take out your liver bones. Oops. You're dead. I never liked that Dr. Stupid.

Fans reacted to these... slapdash episodes with yawns. Angry yawns. Desperate to polish their tarnished image, the family agreed... to a live appearance at the iowa State Fair. Right from the start I had a bad feeling about that gig. it was an evening none of them would ever forget.

Fruit leather... Tree Fresh imitation orange drink... Krusty brand duck sausage pizza... You've got the wrong Nick's. You want Nick's on the other side of town.

Oh, but, Marge, am I doomed to spend the rest of my life sweating like a pig? Yeah, not to mention lookin' like a pig, eatin' like a pig-- Don't forget the smell. Will you get off my front lawn? Why don't you make me? Why? Oh, I give up.

Hey, is that a camera in the ceiling? No. Go back to sleep.

we'll meet all the food personalities.

Precious Venus. Thank you!

So, what do you do to kill time in here? There's a DVD player, but it doesn't work. (CLANKING) Why'd you buy the first hover car ever made? Didn't you know it'd take time to work out the kinks? Ha-ha! I know! It's a hover car!

I've gotta stop fantasizing about Lee Majors. Ah, one more.

Help me! Help me!

All right, Marge. I'll get you your nanny. And to pay for it I'll give up the Civil War re-creation society I love so much. Well, Homer's out. We gotta find a new General Ambrose Burnside. And I'm not too crazy about our Stonewall jackson. The South shall come again.

Homer, breakfast is ready. Hmm ? Blech ! Oh, Marge, you saved me from making a big mistake. You know, I finally understand the meaning of-- The meaning of what ? Better half, Marge. Better half. Oh, thank you. Where's the letter ?

How you gonna top that, smart guy? Hmm, well, how's this? I'll not only build the expressway, I will spend the remainder of this afternoon... patiently listening to your interminable anecdotes. Hot diggety damn! Me first! Not many people know I owned...

(ALL GASPING) It was those guys! Come! Let us kill them before learning of the magical secret which they possess! MEN: Get them! (BART SCREAMING) (ALL YELLING ANGRILY)

Is there any frontal nudity?

Shut up, Becky! There, I finally said it. Drop the cone, sugar! Whoa. Whoopsie. Take her away, boys.

"Nelson is never again to raise his fists in anger." Article five. "Nelson recognizes Bart's right to exist." Article six. "Although Nelson shall have no official power, he shall remain a figurehead of menace in the neighborhood." Wow. Sounds good to me. Okay, I'll sign. What about you, boy ? All right, I'll sign.

I can't stands no more! Mmm. Mediciney.

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING) Hey, boy. What do you say we build a robot? Face it. You're not the most mechanical guy in the world. But you're good at other things like eating while driving! That's something! And nobody gets madder at the news! First of all, thank you.

Ooh. I am Homer Simpson-- Silence, sinner! Prepare for an eternity of horrible pain! Oh, no! Oh! Ha-ha!

All I need is some courage. Courage, I tell ya. Excuse me, but isn't that voice very similar to the Cowardly Lion? Also, sir, your Loudmouth Leopard is a rip-off of Jackie Gleason. Humina, humina, humina, humina, humina. And Clutzy Cat sounds exactly like Jerry Lewis,

Ow! What the-- Get the-- baby off. Son of a-- I'm so-- embarrassed.

Aw, Lisa, it doesn't look so bad. Oh, yeah? Ew! Lisa, honey, if it'll make you feel better, I'll destroy something Bart loves. - Hey! - Don't worry, Son. If that bothers you, I'll destroy something Maggie loves.

(CUCKOOS) (CHUCKLES) My name's Goose Gladwell. Of Goose's Gags and Gifts? That's right. I've got 20 stores in 30 states. And I want to sell your shirts in most of them. You really think my shirts will sell? Absotively! Here, take my card.

Wait a minute, Marge. Love isn't hopeless. Look, maybe I'm no expert on the subject, but there was one time I got it right. Artie. Artie, wait. I don't know. I mean, it was a beautiful evening. Let's not ruin it. - just kiss. - Artie, please.

Pink belly! Pink belly! Pink belly! Break it up, boys. That belly ain't going to get any pinker. Wedgie! Thanks, Bart.

Sting! Mom! Dad! Bart, I've missed you so much. Man, I was so scared. Don't worry, son. They're going to make sure no one ever falls down this well again.

My cat's breath smells like cat food.

cherry ketchup, and caramel mustard.

All right. Climb in. There's nothing to worry about. Now everyone, go to sleep. Good night. Di-da.

Smithers, come over here and help me write a mash note to my girlfriend.

Twelve apostles. But Jesus was at the Last Supper, too. This changes everything. Multiply by seven. Don't forget to carry the 666. Wake up. The Rapture's coming in half an hour! There's no time to waste. Marge, grill a chicken! No, make sandwiches.

Well, I've had it!

Damn it, I will not bury another patient! Doctor, you're a pediatrician! Yeah. But my head's been somewhere else this year.

Now, don't worry. I'm not a stabbin' hobo. I'm a singin' hobo. Nothin' beats the hobo life Stabbin' folks with my hobo knife I gouge them-- Excuse me, Hobo. Can you play something a little less unnerving?

Mmm. Urinal fresh.

You're my lady Of the morning - This truly is hell! Love shines In your eyes Okay. It has been 20 years, and you suitors have been very patient.

Lost my place. Maybe-- Maybe-- Maybe-- Maybe a little, uh, improv would raise the roof here. Would someone name a profession. Loser principal! Uh, I think I heard "California surfer."

I'll show you who Charlene is !

Must destroy mankind. Ooh! Lunchtime.

It's spent so much more time raising us than you have. Oh. Maybe TV is right. TV's always right. Are you hugging the TV? No.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to my room! That's it! Go to your room! Marge, since I'm not talking to Lisa, would you please ask her to pass me the syrup? Please pass your father the syrup, Lisa. Bart, tell Dad I'll only pass the syrup if it won't be used on any meat product.

Marge, kids, let's go buy some happiness. God bless you, Bart Simpson. I'd kiss you, but Doctor says I'm sick.

It seems the federales have been tipped off by an anonymous whistle-blower. Mm-hmm. Now, while the plant is brought up to code, there will be massive layoffs. That is to say, total layoffs. Toodles!

But I'm still hungry!

This is dangerous. I wish we could have found a sitter for Maggie.

Oh, what a day. Homer made me give him a sponge bath. But coming home to you makes it all worthwhile. Here, let me get that for you.

but it's not so funny when that violence is happening to you. But it would be funny to someone who was watching us. No, Mom. He's right. Observe. Ow! Oh, my. Lisa, go to your room.

Well, twenty-two. I'm sorry I kept you waiting so long. Oh, Marge, I'm gonna die ! I'm gonna die ! Well, if there's one consolation, it's that you'll feel no pain at all... until some time tomorrow evening when your heart suddenly explodes. Now, a little death anxiety is normal.

Who's been stealing your thoughts? Did you ever read The Old Curiosity Shop? They made that with john Gielgud-- I have powers that-- - Hello, Ralph. - Aah! Uh, hi, Bart. I know you from school. Yes. A simple proposition, Ralph. How would you like to make a dollar?

Triangle. Very good, Bart!

Oh, baby. My darling, i This was a wonderful idea, Homie. Can't get enough of your love, babe Hey, there's a turkey behind the bed! Mmm. Marge.

A lot of things get thrown out here. Sometimes even a human being. Somewhere in this pile of twisted metal... and soiled mattresses-- lives a poor immigrant... whose home was cruelly taken away.

Yo, yo, yo! Y'all feeling cautious? J I say a cross, walk A cross-ity walk J J And you dont stop crossin' till you’re on the next blockJ J First you look both ways then you walk not run J J Obeying safety rules is acceptable fun J Break it down now. J Just walk, dont run Drinkjuice, yum-yum J

A little-known fact about jail cells... is they always have one phony bar for, like, emergencies. Real. Real. Real. Real. Real. So by the process of elimination, this one is the fake. That's painful.

Chin up, Homer. We've gotta put an electrode there to ground the brain stem. Thank you. Good-bye, Marge. I'll always love you.

Dow Chemical is developing a minty gel to eliminate excess guilt but it won't be on the market for six months so I guess you'll have to confess to Milhouse.

I thought you might be able to help me get in touch with the inventor of Malibu Stacy. Whew! That would be quite a feat. Stacy Lavelle is a total recluse. She hasn't appeared in public in 20 years.

First, my all-purpose electric hammer, for all your pounding needs. Ow! Probably needs to be more powerful.

Court is now in session. All rise. Ha, ha. Made you rise. Your Honor, the defense calls its first and only witness: Milhouse Van Houten. Oh, wow! I can't believe it.

You guys are the lousiest garbagemen ever! Yeah, I'm talkin' to you! You trash-eatin' stink bags! Uh-oh. What did you call us? I don't know. A lot of people were yelling stuff. Yeah, you called us "trash-eating stink bags."

Food patrol, we're all starved. Let's see what you've got. That's it? What happened to all the lobsters, mangoes and chewy, chewy cocoa beans? All we found were these oozing berries. And they look pretty poisonous.

What's your problem? Whacking Day's coming. Whoo-hoo! The greatest day of the year. But killing snakes is evil. Maybe so, Lisa, but it's part of our oh, so human nature. Inside every man is a struggle between good and evil that cannot be resolved.

I like ice cream I like ice cream How about you? Look, Maggie! A show for babies! Topped with chocolate syrup Topped with chocolate syrup Whipped cream too Whipped cream too

Hello. I'm an electric car. I can't go very fast or very far. And if you drive me, people will think you're gay. One of us! One of us!

Thank you, Chief. Folks, I'm pleased to announce... that a new truckload of Laramies with their smooth good taste and rich tobacco flavor... is already heading toward Springfield, and the driver has been instructed to ignore all stop signs and crosswalks. Police suspect the involvement of William "Fat Tony" Williams.

Ooh! Hmm? Hmm. Ow! It's a videotape. Put it in! Put it in!

And that's how we'll mold your boy into a productive member of society, through an intensive program of push-ups and formation marching.

You’ve been in there over an hour, boy! Other people have to confess too, you know. I cant hold it in. I hate this house!

(TIRES SQUEALING) Ooh, these icy roads are getting pretty gnarly. (TIRES SCREECHING) CHILDREN: Woah! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Oh, I'm not worried.

I didn't. But now, Daddy's special medicine--

Well, it's time to pick up where I left off-- as a no-good street punk.

But fate stood in the way. Homer, sign this application and you're a Shoo-in. That dog has somebody's ham! This I gotta see!

Barney's a pig. Larry's a pig. We're all pigs.

How about we take a family walk around the block? Yay! I want to amble. I want to saunter. Amble. Saunter. - Amble. - Saunter. Stop saying things! Honey, you seem frazzled. Why don't you come with us? Hey, I'd like that. Oh, I can't. I have to go pick up Grampa.

johnny? Johnny? Johnny! Cool! I broke his brain.

- Aah ! - Aah ! Why, you little-- Uh-oh ! Now I got ya ! Aah ! Aah ! Boy must die ! I love you, Dad ! Doh ! Dirty trick.

I need to take a walk to clear my head. Oh, dear. Oh, I'm exhausted !

I've sold monorails to Brockway, Ogdenville and North Haverbrook, and by gum, it put them on the map! Well, sir, there's nothin' on earth like a genuine, bona fide, electrified, six-car monorail. - What'd I say? - Monorail! What's it called? Monorail! That's right, monorail! Monorail. Monorail. Monorail.

Hey, Lise, guess who's got a genuine... Itchy & Scratchy animation cel? Oh! That is so cool! That is so exciting! That is so-- Crappy. It looks like part of Scratchy's arm. Oh, no. I used Dad's credit card to buy this? Yeesh! How much was it?

Your eyes will burst, and some horrible stuff-- possibly your brains-- will start coming out through your nose. Shush ! Shut up ! Quit trying to push us around ! Stop saying those horrible things and show some manners !

I got a plan that can't fail. Yiddle, my man, you're a genius. I love my work.

I see a lot of new faces, but you know the old saying-- "Out with the old, in with the nucleus."

We'll run the store for ya! Two 10-year-olds running my store? I mean-- Wait. What is this? Bizarro World? Calm down! Don't make me put a dog heart in there.

and a tiny green space alien named osmodiar that only Homer can see... on Fox this fall. It'll be out of this world. Right, Osmodiar? Damn straight, Troy, my man. Good night, America!

Good-bye, Marge. I'll always love you. You're on Frame Up. Uh, what!

Like one time, we were having this race... with this stupid, old-timey bicycle with the big wheel in front. So, I figure, we'll see about that. So I get this big chunk of cinder block-- Oh, gotta go. Innocent! Dad, you did it! I am so proud of you!

Man, that thing's great. Don't praise the machine.

I'm warning you, Mom. I may get a little crazy. I understand, honey. When I was your age, there was a-- Hey, horse face! Get your ugly pie-hooks off that Summer Fun Set!

Dad, start digging some nerd holes.

The easiest way to be popular... is to leech off the popularity of others. So we propose changing our name from Springfield to Seinfeld. I may be just a boy, but I have an idea. If I may, I'd like to show you a few slides. Here's Springfield as it appears from space.

Perhaps spending the remainder of your life in a madhouse... will teach you some manners. Ha-ha!

That's pretty far-fetched, Lisa. Are you sure someone hasn't been bitten by the jealousy bug? Here comes the jealousy bug! - Gonna get ya! Gonna get ya! - Hey! Stop! Cut it out. You're a grown man. I want to go home now. Nobody's going home!

The head of this department is a Mr. Johnson or johnstone.

Charge! Your dad ever take you to baseball games? Nah. His game was blackjack. He bet our life savings on a single hand.

You know what will cool this place down? A little touch of winter. Dad, no! We're trying to conserve energy. Lisa, if we start conserving, the environmentalists win!

Mmm! Mom, you're missing a great show. You don't know what I'm missin'. Mmm! I'd like to visit that Long Island place, if only it were real.

Lindsey Naegle, Veriqual Cellular, and I can offer you a whole range of cellular solutions. Can I get a phone that plays the Mexican hat dance? I insist on it. I dance, I dance, I dance

Meet the new boss

Oh, sure, sure. Be my guest. Bring some more chairs. Lisa, I brought you some lemonade for your protest. Thanks, Mom. It doesn't seem to be going very well. Well, don't give up. When you love somebody, you have to have faith that in the end they will do the right thing.

From that point on, any time you felt angry, you could only respond with a string of nonsensical jabbering. Well, I'll be darn-diddilly-arned! Yeah, that's the stuff. You suppressed your rage for so long, it finally erupted as a massive public explosion. It sure did-diddilly-id. All right, all right.

Wait for me! Come on! Come on! Come on! Get out of my way! Uh-- Uh-- Hmm. Mmm.

Okay, piglet, start squealing! Where'd you get the lemons for this lemonade? Uh, this is Country Time lemonade mix. There's never been anything close to a lemon in it. I swear! Hey, nobody hassles my little brother! Hey, no one manhandles the bosom chum of Nelson Muntz!

It's like Paul's song, "Live and Let Live." It was "Live and Let Die."

Our next movie is McBain, another shoot-'em-up, push-'em-through- the-plate-glass-window splatter fest... from the Hollywood cookie cutter. Here's a typically brainless scene.

Hello, Marge. I'm Lee Majors. Will you come away with me? Uh... sure. I've gotta stop fantasizing about Lee Majors. Ah, one more.

Hello. "Simpson." How can I help you? Mr. Burns, you do this personally? It's a hobby. I'm not in this for personal gain. Are you acquainted with our state's stringent usury laws? Usury? Silly me. I made up a word that doesn't exist.

Hey, Officer Homer, how'd you get so big and strong? Green vegetables and homework. Aw, shucks!

Barney! How's the world treating you? Hey, there! What can I do for you, Harv? Tipsy McStagger would like to buy your drink. He's here? No. My company is willing to do what it takes to get that recipe.

Poor Selma. You were having... such a lovely evening... And then I went and spoiled it all by doing something stupid like explode you sideshow Bob, I'm afraid the only victims here... Are the good people at best western hotels. Bart!

Where are the dodge balls? Ow! Ow! Ohh! All right. That's it. I'm writing all your names on the detention list in my mind. Silence, Seymour! We're in charge now. Your reign of fussiness is over. Attention. The school is now under kid control.

Hi, Poochie! You look like you've got something to say. - Do you? - Yes, I certainly do. I have to go now. My planet needs me. Wow! Poochie came from another planet?

Show Wow! They'll never let us show that again, not in a million years! Dad, start digging some nerd holes. It's bad enough they put their retainers in the dishwasher. Can't we do something?

- She's a witch! - Get her!

Then it's decided. Our Web site name will be crime.org. I think we're in the clear. Homer, I got it!

Yo, Frank Gehry! Like curvilinear forms much?

mocking us. They're just snowmen, Mr. Burns. Ah, snowmen have peepers. Peepers to watch-- to watch for a moment of weakness. And then, baf, comes the knock on the head, and we're down! - What do we do? - Oh, wouldn't you like to know?

Now it's gonna show us exactly where to dig. D'oh!

Well, there it is. Please don't tell anyone how I live.

Show Wow! They'll never let us show that again, not in a million years!

What's that smell? Onions. Chili powder. Cumin. Juicy ground chuck! It's chili! Oh, my God! I'm missing the Chili Cook-Off!

- Wow. Thanks for saving us. - No problem. Now let's get you kids home. Wait a minute. Xena can't fly. - I told you. I'm not Xena. I'm Lucy Lawless. - Oh. Stretch Dude and Clobber Girl

Homer one, New York nothing! D'oh! Thanks for your patience.

Did you ever read The Old Curiosity Shop? They made that with john Gielgud-- I have powers that--

Look familiar? It should. Anger is what makes America great. But you must find the proper outlet for your rage. Fire a weapon at your television screen, pick a fight with someone weaker than you... or write a threatening letter to a celebrity.

You think they might be involved in the Kennedy assassination in some way? I do... now.

Homer. Homer. Homer sleep now.

The pink ones keep ya from screamin'. All right, folks. It's suppertime. Supper at 4:00? Whoo-hoo! What a sweet deal. Hey. They got chairs with wheels. And here I am using my legs like a sucker.

and I always get some terrible job. Where is that dreaded piÑata? Ow! Ow! Ow! Missed me. Heh-heh! Ow! Hmm!

Ow! Hey, it's Dad. Right on time. We're gettin' out of here now. jump in, Marge. Trust me. Throw the kids. No time for the baby. We're not jumping, Homer. Come on! Let's go! Everyone into the car now!

Golly, Sergeant Carter, I can't fix your jeep but maybe this will make it up to you. Galveston, oh, Galveston Is this all he watches? He used to watch Davy and Goliath but he thought the idea of a talking dog was blasphemous.

No, Mother. It's just the northern lights. Well, Seymour, you are an odd fellow, but I must say you steam a good ham. Help! Help!

Oh, and look, I brought noodle kugel. Aah ! You.. bad dog. Bad... neighbor dog. Here. Let me help you up, Mr. Burns.

Did that exit work for you? I'd like to see it without the scream. I was just thinking that. Hey, hey, kids! Let's hear it for Madam Mimi and her cheese-seeking poodles!

"Shao-dair"? "Shao-dair"? It's "chowdah." Say it right! "Shah-der." Come back here! I'm not through demeaning you!

I'm afraid there's no law against mailing threatening letters. I'm pretty sure there is. Ha! The day I take cop lessons from Ma kettle-- Uh, hey, she's right, Chief. Well, shut my mouth. It's also illegal to put squirrels down your pants for the purposes of gambling.

Becoming a cop is not something that happens overnight. It takes one solid weekend of training to get that badge. Forget about the badge! When do we get the freakin' guns! Hey, I told you. You don't get your gun until you tell me your name. I've had it up to here with your "rules."

you know I always try to put the best face on everything, but there's no face on that damn bean!

I'll show you mad in the morning ! Gah ! Homer, you encouraged him ! You should be strangling yourself ! She's right !

Splendid, Batsy. You've done it again.

Where am I? Shelbyville? Man, this is crazy. I hope I didn't brain my damage. I better check my pupils.

Why is my swimsuit so revealing?

Noooo!! Lady, this better be good.

Prohibition may be unpopular, but it's the law, and we still have-- Go to your room, Lisa!

I never noticed this office before. Why should you? It's mine. Uh, you have any sugar around here? Sugar? Sure. Here you go. Sorry it's not in packages. - Want some cream? - Uh, no.

I'm just gonna see the dame who blew my one big chance. What are you saying, Homer ? I'm saying-- She's been your wife for ten years.

Whoa, I dont need drugs to enjoy this. Just to enhance it.

All aboard for Shelbyville, Badwater Cattle Skull Testing Grounds, and Rancho Relaxo.

Better start eating, kid. Start eating? I didn't mean it that way.

Quoth the Raven: Nevermore. Why, you little-- Uh-oh ! Come back here, you little Raven ! Doh ! Ow !

Well? What do you think? Uh- You rock, Homer. Really? You really think I'm better than you? That was great, Homie. What the hell are you doing here? Camp is over, Homer. ts been a week already? I'm glad you had fun, but it's time to come home.

Is that what we do in this family? When someone becomes an inconvenience, we just get rid of them? Hello? Is anybody there? Aww!

Maybe we should let him stay. Where are we going to put him? Bart's room. Bart's room. Bart's room. Dumpster.

To heaven! Oh. Christ be with you. D'oh! Hi. I've created the first intra-bovine ice-cream maker.

Now to find out who did this. Bart, empty your pockets! Empty my pockets, you say? Well, certainly. But I fail to see how-- Hmm. Blueprints of the dummy, notarized photos of you making the dummy... and an alternate wording for the banner-- "Buttzilla." Race you to Utah, Milhouse.

"C" would usually follow.

Ooh! Oww! Give us back our concert, Simpson! So, New Springfield's looking pretty good now, isn't it, with our ample parking and daily Who concerts? - Daily? - We'll talk.

Hey, wait a minute. They're taking our stuff. Good Lord! Hot, hot, hot, hot.

Do you know what really frosts my Kelvinator? That fruitcup's probably still laughing at us from his damn hidey-hole. I'd rather take an order from Bill Clinton... than hear that guy's snooty, high-toned voice again, sir. "High-toned voice." Bart, that's it. I know where Sideshow Bob is hiding.

If you stop paying attention to the monsters, they'll lose their powers. But people can't help looking at them. They're wrecking the town.

Homer, you're just a big sack of sugar.

No, Mr. Simpson. A cat is a living creature. I don't care. Now I'm gonna grab me somethin' sweet. No, Mr. Simpson. That's sexual harassment. If you keep it up, I'll yell so loud, the whole country'll hear.

Homer? In America, first you get the sugar, then you get the power, then you get the women. Homer! Huh? Homer! What? What?

Really? I can see I'm gonna love working with you. Well, gotta go. I wanna sneak in a quick nap before lunch.

I feel like celebrating. Oh, it's you. What are you so happy about? I see. Smithers had thwarted my earlier attempt... to take candy from a baby, but with him out of the picture, I was free to wallow in my own crapulence.

You shank! How could you tell on me?

Now, we can resolve our differences peacefully. Uh... ow!

Salt me. Here you are, Homer. What the-- Why are you talking like that? The play's tomorrow night. I've got to stay in character. Would it help if I talked like this too? It might.

We'll just hang out in front ofthe house beside these garbage cans. The time will just fly by. w'w'f TV Theme: King ofthe Hilly

Come on, kids. We should go. Goodbye, Selma. I'm not dead, idiot.

I'm sorry, young man. You're not what we're looking for. You're telling me, you blue-haired witch. I heard that! I guess we're not going to find anyone.

Yuh-oh. What kind of a sick country would kick someone with a giant boot?

You're looking at five years, minimum. No, sir. Please, I can't go to prison. They pee in a cup and throw it on you! I saw it in a movie. You won't be seeing any prison movies where you're going-- prison!

The Simpsons (TIRES SCREECHING) D'oh! (EXCLAIMING) (BRAKES SCREECHING) (ORGAN MUSIC PLAYING)

Sweet. Pleasing taste. Some "monsterism."

That felon could've torched the whole school-- were it not stuffed with asbestos. We'll catch Crowley. And then he'll learn the fine art of police brutality.

You did it, Nibbles! Now, chew through my ball sack. Huh?

Chapter six. "Four Days in Philadelphia." "The First Continental Congress faced a difficult job. Could the delegates agree on recommendations that all Americans could support ?" We hold these truths to be self-evident... We hold these truths to be self-evident...

(GROANING) Oh, it was all just a dream. What? What are these wings? Oh, it's just a seagull stuck in my back. Dad, we've been so worried about you.

- Alternate corners. - One at a time! Spin the middle side topwise. Topwise! Now I remember why I put this down here in the first place!

Good afternoon, gentlemen. This is Scorpio. I have the doomsday device. You have 72 hours to deliver the gold, or you'll face the consequences.

Big deal. My I.Q. is 280. Stephen Hawking! The world's smartest man! What are you doing here? I wanted to see your utopia. But now I see it is more of a Fruitopia. I'm sure what Dr. Hawking means is-- Silence.

Ooh, eh, ah, ooh

I heard your dad went into a restaurant and ate everything in the restaurant, and they had to close the restaurant. My dad may have gained a little weight, but he's not some kind of food-crazed maniac. Ah! Oh! That's raspberry. Oh.

We've argued them down to... a booting. What?

Two and two are four Four and four are eight Eight and eight are sixteen Hello. Cherry cordials. I hope you like 'em.

My mother would like to enroll in Painting From Life 2B. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Not so fast, pint-size. No one can enroll until Professor Lombardo personally approves their portfolio. Lisa, this was a bad idea. Mom ! Ah, very good. Fabulous.

Prepare for the end! The end of high prices! What?

What the-- But I-- Hmm. A disheveled and malnourished man found sleeping in his own filth. Seems confused and dehydrated. Where's the baby? Well, that's her, ain't it? Kids love that water. Oh, my lord! Stupid babies need the most attention.

Honey, what's wrong? I'll tell you what. That rotten Moe is getting rich off a recipe I gave him. Take that off this second. Okay.

And if its speed dropped, it would explode. I think it was called The Bus that Couldn't Slow Down. First, I hook this common VCR... into the security camera system like so. Then I insert this old videotape of us working... on a continuous loop.

Um, di-did I say killer dolphins? I meant killer Italians. Gray, bottlenosed, intelligent Italians. Intelligent Italians? Something's wrong. It's dolphins. We have to stop them.

that the titular head of the power plant is now Mr. Homer J. Simpson. That's right. And as my first act, Mr. Burns, you’re fired! What? That man's mad! Smithers, get this bedlamite an alienist! No! ts entirely within my power.

Okay. Now all we have to do is install your satellite dish. Can you be home from 8:00 am. Monday morning through June? No problem.

Oh, no! No, no! The George Raft look is dead. I wanted Audie Murphy! If you would just apologize to Louie, you could get your hair cut the way you want. No apology! Not until he admits he's a jerk!

Yes! In your freckled face, Howard. - Unbelievable. - What? Nothing, nothing. Good hustle.

Dad, it's 1:00 a.m., and I'm out of saliva. Shh, shh, shh. Wow. That saxophone would make a great pipe.

Skinner! Uh, Superintendent Chalmers.

Smartline, with our local Emmy Award-winning host... Kent Brockman. Hello. I'm Kent Brockman, and welcome to another edition of Smartline. Are cartoons too violent for children ? Most people would say, "No, of course not. What kind of stupid question is that ?" But one woman says, "Yes." And she's here with us tonight. Mrs. Marge Simpson.

Hot stuff comin' through. Dad, why did you bring me to a gay steel mill? I don't know! This is a nightmare!

Hot dog. (CRACKING) Ow! (SOBBING) Ow! Ow! What the... (CRACKING) (SOBBING) Ow! Ow! (GIGGLING) (CRACKING) (SOBBING) Ow! I just don't understand what the problem is.

Hey, yutz. Guns aren't toys. They're for family protection, hunting dangerous or delicious animals, and keeping the king of England out of your face. - Your membership card please, Homer. - Oh!

Homer? Forget it, Mom. Dad's really mad. His tendons are throbbing. Stress is collecting in the trouble spots-- here, here, and here-- making for one unhappy pappy.

Ah, I got you, my rumpy doppleganger.

I am the angel of death. The time of purification is at hand. Oh, who cares. Marge, what can we do? Well, you could give them healthier snacks, theme days-- You mean like Child Labor Day?

Argh! Now we bury the treasure. Uh, Captain? Captain? I know we usually bury the treasure,

- Ow! - Look out! Oh, no. I'm gonna go off the end of the-- D'oh! I'm not normally a praying man, but if you're up there, please save me, Superman.

Must destroy mankind. Ooh! Lunchtime.

Hey, what gives? I thought you had a satellite dish. Sure didilly do. Over 230 channels locked out.

Come join us, Lisa. It's so cool. You get to stay up all night drinking blood. And if you say you're a vampire, you get a free small soda at the movies. No! No!

I can't take his money. I can't print my own money. I have to work for money. Why don't I just lie down and die? Now, Homer, if there's one thing...

They'd work much better without the padding, Doc. No, no. That's not true. Ah ! Give me that. See ?

See that Caddie? Uh-huh. That's Mayor Quimby's car. Tonight his honor is... polling the electorate. How would you like a street named after you?

the dip sign, the 15 miles per hour speed limit on Main Street. I give you the man whose very name is synonymous with safety. Homer Simpson ! Homer ! Homer ! Thank you.

Testing. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Hey.

No, just one. Hi. I'm Troy McClure. You may remember me from such films as The Greatest Story Ever Hulaed... and They Came to Burgle Carnegie Hall.

If you want to go right move the joy stick left. Yes. Move the... What's a joy stick? Oh, oh! Here comes a Xylon cruiser! Go into hyperspace! Wait! Where's the hyperspace? Grandpa, you're the spaceship. I thought I was this guy. - Oh! - Oh!

What are you gonna do with your Super Bowl ring, Carl? I'll probably give it to my wife. It's our anniversary today. Dad, that doesn't belong to you. But this might be my last chance to win one. We sure put together a heck of a trip, Homer. Ever thought about being a travel agent? Wally, I'd be lying if I said I hadn't.

You told me it was an American tradition... to work all the time and never see your wife! Yes. Perhaps I stretched the truth a bit.

Oh! My heart is pounding like Thor's hammer... on Dr. Doom's titanium infused faceplate!

Poor Aunt Hortense. Whoo-hoo. Whoo-hoo.

I didn't say stop.

The cash register says, "N.R.A.4ever." just one of the hundreds of radical, right-wing messages... inserted into every show by creator Matt Groening. Over the six years The Simpsons has been on the air,

Unbelievable. Dumb-ass. Workin' overtime Work out

Homie, what happened to you? Marge, please. I'm too upset to talk about it. But seeing you like this is more than I can bear. Bear! Ahhh!

It sure is, Billy. It sure is.

Hey, you should see how much trouble Dad's having shaving with a straight razor. Finally. I'm no longer a slave to the Gillette Corporation. Why, it says here that President Cleveland has-

Burns Con el corazÓn de perro SeÑor Burns El diablo con dinero It may not surprise you

Mm-hmm. Well, that's... very good for a first try. You know what? I have a ball. Perhaps you'd like to bounce it.

Well, near as we can tell, the boy was studying quietly... when the girl, drunk on her own sense of power, beat him silly with a block of frozen lima beans. It's true! Young lady, you will never babysit again! I am so disappointed.

My ice cream sandwich! Then where the hell's the remote? People keep moving it! Stupid-- Oh, this is perfect. A couple of stink lines around his butt and I'm done.

I'll have to read Marge's book. And I swore never to read again after To Kill a Mockingbird gave me no useful advice on killing mockingbirds! It did teach me not to judge a man based on the color of his skin. But what good does that do me?

Even more harrowing were the events of one April afternoon. The script originally called for me to jump the gorge. But I'd been up all night paying people to kiss, so Dad volunteered to do the stunt. Everything was going great at first.

that the real news is on local TV,

But I fell in love with Homer Simpson. I don't want to snuggle with Max Power. Nobody snuggles with Max Power. You strap yourself in and feel the G's! Oh, Lord!

All done! Thank you. Always a pleasure. What a beautiful little girl.

Thanks to the latest budget cuts, I'm down to using Grade "F" meat. Wouldn't it be wonderful if there was some sort of common solution to both our problems? That would be great. Hey, Bart. Watch this. Oh, no! My favorite outfit! Jimbo, this is by far the worst--

I don't have time for the secret knock!

Is this cel worth anything? Let me show you something. This-- This is a Snagglepuss drawn by Hic Heisler. It is worth something. This-- This is an arm drawn by nobody. It is worth nothing. Can't you give me anything for it? I can give you this telephone. It is shaped like Mary Worth.

I want to look down on the clouds with contempt! I want to sneer at God's creation and spit on his-- Uh-oh. Lower! Lower! There goes my turn. Hey, Abe, you want to hook up after the show?

(SIREN BLARING) I'm getting out in two weeks. Why would I want to break out with you? (SWOONING) Well, you do look pretty in the moonlight. (GRUNTS)

Presenting our new plaque. I say the time for bitterness has passed. Let us extend to our brothers in New Springfield the olive branch of-- New Springfield rocks! Go ahead and laugh. We have a better town bird.

(CHUCKLING) It's a bet, Lord Daftwager! You can't bet on my kids! This is America, pal! Don't worry. We'll find more wagers. I love you, Lord Daftwager. Yes. And I you. Yes, quite.

I'm here to break a world record. What's the longest anyone's ever done this? Three years.

Look at me. I'm begging you, Stan. Mm-hmm. Let's go write this up, shall we?

Come on, Homer. Come on, Homer. Pretend this is baseball and hit us a homer. You rolled it. You rolled it. By the way, rhyming "Homer" with "Homer"-- Look at them, Smithers, enjoying their embezzlement.

in everything from watchmaking to watch repair. Boring. Oh, no! The batteries! Now let's look at the crew a little. They're a colorful bunch. They've been dubbed the Three Musketeers. And we laugh legitimately. There's a mathematician, a different kind of mathematician and a statistician.

What? I'm more worried about piranhas. Did you see that movie where they sent a nuclear submarine to fight the piranhas, and one of them swims right down the periscope and bites the guy in the eye, and he goes, "Aah! Aah! Aah!" and that old lady told him it would happen? Yeah, that was pretty good. Hey, how come you're not playing Bonestorm?

We're already in Australia. Actually, sir, the embassy is considered American soil, sir. Really? Look, boy! Now I'm in Australia. Now I'm in America. Australia! America! Australia! America! I get it, Dad. Homer, that's enough! Australia! America! Australia! Am-- Oww! Here in America we don't tolerate that kind of crap, sir!

Uh-oh. We've drawn judge Snyder. Is that bad? Well, he's had it in for me ever since I kinda ran over his dog. You did? Well, replace the word "kinda" with the word "repeatedly"... and the word "dog" with "son."

You're right, Mom. I shouldn't let this bother me. I'm in television now. It's my job to be repetitive. My job. My job. Repetitiveness is my job. I am gonna go out there tonight and give the best performance of my life.

Homey, we're back. Don't mind that clod, Patty.

Oh, I knew you'd come to your-- Here. If you have any soul left, you'll need these. I know I will.

But first, she was a university honor student who devoted her life to kids... until the night a grossly overweight pervert named Homer Simpson... gave her a crash course in depravity. Aw, crap!

Mmm. Oh. Mmm. Mmm.

Thanks, Grampa. Yeah, yeah. Now how's about introducing me to that cute little pay phone out front? He's horny. He's the love-matic grampa

Hey, I've only been here a few minutes. What's going on? You ugly, hate-filled man! Hey-- Hey, I may be ugly and hate-filled, but I've, um-- What was the third thing you said? Homer, you are the worst human being I have ever met.

That means you're terrible! Hmm? Mr. Burns, I think he's dead.

Shh! Oh, boy! Buffalo testicles!

Tyler, is there a peaceful solution possible? (TYLER COOING) (BEEPING) (GASPING) All right, that's it. Show's over! Five, six, so long, hicks!

Milhouse, Lewis, Richard and Bart Simpson. This is the Bart Simpson you're always talking about ? Mm-hmm. But he looks so sweet. I am, Ma'am. Simpson ! Let's move on now, Mother, shall we ? Bye, Spanky. So, you're gonna flush it ?

Are there any questions? Here! Right here! Hello! Yes, you. What state does Danger Dog live in? Michigan. Next. Why does Danger Dog mean more to me than school or church?

Even Christian videos with talking vegetables. Mighty Yamses, we are weary of building your food pyramid. Let my pickles go! Mmm! Moses.

Form a line. No crowding. Cheap beer and a sympathetic ear. Step up. Hey, Bart, can you give me one on credit ? I'm a little short this week. Beat it.

One second. Hello? D'oh! Oh, my God! A guy's on the floor! That was a phone call. Don't chalk that up to mistrust. Yes? What happened? When did that happen? How much of it? Oh, my goodness. I'll be right up. Homer, I gotta go upstairs. There's a problem. Somebody ate part of my lunch.

I broke my last saxophone reed. I need a new one. Isn't this something your mother's better at? I called her. She's not home. I also tried Mr. Flanders, Aunt Patty, Aunt Selma, Dr. Hibbert, Reverend Lovejoy, and that nice man who caught the snake in our basement.

I shouldn't have served those North Korean fortune cookies. They were so insulting-- "You are a coward." No one likes to hear that after a nice meal.

Over, under, in and out. That's what shoe tying's all about.

My American friend, I'm afraid that this is a kidnapping.

Smartline, with our local Emmy Award-winning host, Kent Brockman. Is it a masterpiece ? Or just some guy with his pants down ? That's our topic tonight on Smartline. Now, Mrs. Simpson, why are you against this statue ? I'm not. I think everyone in Springfield should see it.

Higher! Higher! Oh, I'll give you higher, my filthy little urchin. You've won this round.

Oooh ! Boogie-boogie boogie-boogie-boogie ! Hey, knock that off, or I'll stick this bat where the sun don't shine. Oh, yeah ? And where might that be ? Oh.

Our residents... are trying... to nap! Ah! Let me in! Someone's trying to kill me! Sweet merciful McGillicutty! You gotta open the door! Who is it? It's Grampa.

Aw, the little cutie wants to do somethin' cute. Shut up, ya bums! Shut up! Go ahead, angel. jebediah Springfield was nothing more... than an evil bloodthirsty pirate who hated this town. Good God!

That's a rare lapse in my normally calm demeanor. Could the stenographer please read back the previous statement? "Why, you little"- Why, you little- Why, you little- Why, you little-

What is it, Rudy? Can I come too? Forget it, kid. You're too small to go to the Super Bowl. But what I lack in size I make up for in... obnoxiousness.

People were drinking more and having a lot more fun. But without beer, prohibition doesn't work.

I'll be around more from now on. Does this mean you'll help me with my costume? Oh, sure, honey. I promise. Thanks, Mom. Mmm. Aw, just like on TV.

I'm so happy. I just had to tell someone. I have a boyfriend.

Ice cream! Ice cream! I'm all outta ice cream! It's true, you know. Ice cream! Ice cream! Fresh outta ice cream! Ohh.

Oh, I'm sorry. Did I wake you? I wanted to return your hair dryer. Oh, and here's your brush.

You stupid kid! You know that drives away all my business. See you tomorrow, loser.

Please look at my MedicAlert bracelet. Ooh. Hey, hey.

You do this every year. We are used to it.

I don't know how to say this, but I don't wanna drive your car. It's slow, it's ugly, it handles like a shopping cart. The car has a few bugs, but we're Team Simpson. Dad, I love you, but you taught me to win. When did I teach you that? I picked it up somewhere.

No. The card question will be fine.

Aw, they're not so tough. Chief, that wasn't a monster. That was the captain of the high school basketball team. Uh, yeah, well, he was turning into a monster though.

I was thinking along the lines of... No TV and No Beer Make Homer-- something something. Go Crazy? Don't mind if I do!

Deus ex machina!

If you're gonna binge, you'd better purge. Uh-oh. Amber Dempsey. In the same week, she was Pork Princess and Little Miss Kosher. She's beautiful. Wait.

my - our song. Life I bet the guy she was singing that about was real happy. Actually, she was singing about God. Oh, well, he's always happy. No, wait, he's always mad.

Hey, Mom, is this how you caught him?

What's it like, Bart? Bart? Bart? Give me that! Okay. We're young, rich and full of sugar. What'll we do?

Kids, your father's gonna be just fine. Okay, everybody, put on your corpse-handling gloves. We've got two frozen bodies buried somewhere in this mountain.

Because this town is under the stranglehold of... a few tie-dyed tree huggers who would rather play hacky sack than lock up the homeless.

Now I'm returning to work without washing my hands--

Then all the reindeer loved him And they shouted out with glee Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer You'll go down in history Like Attila the Hu-- You little--

to remove all traces of asbestos and the word "evolution" from our school.

Whoops. Here comes the boss. Gotta go. Reverend Lovejoy, your wife confiscated this... from one of the boys in the choir. Why this sheep has strayed from my own flock. His name's-- Homer Simpson, sir, a low-level employee... in sector 7-G. Simpson, huh ?

An A-plus! How did you do it? Oh, let's just say I had help from a little magic box. You changed your grade with a computer? D'oh! Way to go, Dad! The important thing is that we all learned a lesson. These guys learned the richness and variety of the world outside college.

Dad! Do you know what today is? The vernal equinox? No, it's two weeks since you got that weight-loss tape. Let's get you on the scale. You've gained 13 pounds. Disingenuous mountebanks with their subliminal chicanery-- A pox on them!

- is losing faith in democracy. - Good Lord!

That's great, because all I need is one. Are you really the head of the Kwik-E-Mart? Yes. Really? Yes. You? Yes. I hope this has been enlightening for you. But I must-- Thank you. Come again. But-- Thank you. Come again. Well, that was a big bust.

She's up to something private! Aah! Let's go spy on her!

Here's what happens when they all try to get through the door at once. Move it, chowderhead! We call it Three Stooges syndrome. So what you're saying is I'm indestructible. Oh, no, no. In fact, even a slight breeze could-- Indestructible.

I'm in no condition to drive. Wait! I shouldn't listen to myself. I'm drunk! (TIRES SQUEAL) Okay, okay. Remember the rules for drinking and driving. Drive slow, but not too slow. Drink some cola to keep yourself alert.

"Third notice"?

Hmm. Well, at least they're wearing clean underwear. Free and easy, Lise. There's nothing like an unfurnished basement for pure comfort. Huh? Hurry up. Mom and Dad are probably worried sick.

Okay, now you. Whoa. Children, stop it. For all you know, she has a medical condition.

Hey, I thought you guys could see everything. No. You're thinking of Santa Claus. Well, I'll be damned. I'm afraid so, yes.

My-- My eyes. My beautiful eyes!

right about now.

Come on, Bart! He tripped my boy! I demand vengeance! I want vengeance!

Well, howdy, little feller. (GROWLS) Ow! Oh! Ow! Oh! I can't wait till this is over! Ow! (BOTH LAUGHING) I was thinking maybe we could visit the hospital now?

Why are you still up? Lisa's slumber party. Who can sleep with those five evil hens cackling and plotting against me? They've got better things to talk about than you. Sheesh, what an ego.

Yes. I, too, feel a renewed appreciation for the good old U.S. of A. Oppression and harassment are a small price to pay to live in the land of the free. But, uh, sir, aren't you facing some serious jail time? Well, if it's a crime to love one's country, then I'm guilty.

Lisa's becoming very obsessive. This morning, I caught her trying to dissect her own raincoat. I know. And this perpetual motion machine she made today is a joke. It just keeps going faster and faster. And Bart isn't doing very well either. He needs boundaries and structure.

Why didn't you get something useful, like storm windows? Or a nice pipe organ? I'm thirsty. Ooh, what smells like mustard?

The paparazzi? I thought we fooled them with our Cher-crow. J Gypsies, tramps and thievesJ J We'd hear it from the people JJ Are you aware that your daughter's gay?

Nerd! Homer-- That isn't very nice. Marge, try to understand. There are two kinds of college students: jocks and nerds. As a jock, it is my duty to give nerds a hard time. Hey, pal! Did you get a load of the nerd? Pardon me?

My game, my game ! I could have beat the boy.

You want him eliminated? No. Just keep him out of my hair. Out of your hair with extreme severity? No! Come on. Every president gets three secret murders. If you don't use them by the end of the term, phht! They're gone.

Nice, healthy oatmeal. Ooh, oatmeal. What a delightful treat. Oh, there's a bug in it. No, there isn't. Trust me. Dad, there's a bug on that. Eh.

Huh ? "Quit throwing your garbage into our dimension."

We got the popcorn. Did you get Waiting to Exhale?

is coming to Springfield! It's all here-- fast kickin', low scorin'. And ties? You bet! Hey, Dad, how come you've never taken us to see a soccer game? I don't know. You'll see all your favorite soccer stars,

Now, are these children as smart as they look? Well, let's, uh, pick one at random. Mmm, how about that one? You mean this boy here? No! No. Lisa Simpson. When was the Battle of New Orleans? january 8, 1815. Two weeks after the war ended. First-rate. What's a battle?

Bart! You didn't finish your spaghetti and Moe-balls! Silence, you fool. It can be ours. Run, boy! Run! Run for your life, boy!

We're still not close. Boy, this is gonna be an all-night brain-buster.

Hi there. My name's Lisa. What's yours? Now don't feel bad, honey. Did you know back in grade school, I had a bully problem myself?

I will not suffer your insubordination. There's been a shocking decline in the quality and quantity of your toadying, Waylon, and you will fall into line now!

Oh, yeah? Well, you and I could write a better cartoon than that. Write a cartoon ourselves?

Egad! A monster! It's a horrible fiend! It's some sort of land cow.

Married? Was it consummated? Pretty much, yeah.

Wait till he finds what I left in his birdbath. No!

On to my next engagement, Buffalo, New York.

- We'll take a Bonestorm. - Get two! I'm not sharing with Caitlin.

Okay, so here's where Itchy lunges at Poochie... with a rusty chain saw. Cue sound effects. Rustier! Are you prepared to die, Poochie? No, I am not. Oh, cut, cut, cut, cut.

Well, I was thinking of something like-- "I'm a big fat idiot!" Wow! I think we have our Angry Dad. Whoo-hoo! When do I get paid? - In 2012. - D'oh! Now we just add color.

Of course you can Well, I couldn't before Dr. Zaius, Dr. Zaius This play has everything. Oh, I love legitimate theater. Dr. Zaius, Dr. Zaius I hate every ape I see

Sheesh. I come here, I get dressed up all nice-like, put my heart on the line, and I make a fool of myself. Oh, boy. Oh, I'm gonna start bawlin' here. - Hmm, why don't you come inside for a drink of water? - 'Kay.

And to show you we're serious, you have 12 hours.

Here. What? Five bucks? I don't need your "sharity." (SQUEAKING) I'll dance for my money! (SINGING DRUNKENLY)

"S" is for shiksa. S-H-i-- Mmm-- I think there's a "T" in there somewhere. Ah, look it up.

Hurrah! We really appreciate you taking the children on such short notice. We'll have fun, won't we, kids? To get to Duff Gardens, I'd ride with Satan himself. That's the spirit. See ya tonight. Good-bye, Dad. Don't eat any solids. But I love solids.

All right. We'll make your doll!

Krusty! Krusty, say something funny. Oh, gee, a joke, huh? Um... uh... funny... Okay, this guy walks into a bar... and takes out a tiny piano and a 12-inch pianist...

Hey, kids, wanna drive through that cactus patch? Yeah! Yeah! No! Whoop, two against one.

Or begging. I know a place that'll saw your legs off. Slow down, fellas. I've got a way we can keep our legs and still have a bright future. Now you're dreamin'. Oh, am I? Of course! Nuclear power! It's the job of tomorrow... today! Really?

Kiss it. Uh, maybe later. Oh! Oh, yeah! Well, we better start our Love Day cleanup. You kids take care of the wrapping paper. I'm going to dismantle Love Land.

I'd like to file for... divorce. These things happen. Eight dollars.

Show Wow! They'll never let us show that again, not in a million years! Dad, start digging some nerd holes.

You can get drunk when we get home. Duh.

I'm an ugmo. Now, that's not true. You're cute as a bug's ear.

"See ya." He writes the way people talk!

And this is, uh, for the man of the house,

Honey, this marriage is a partnership. When you fall, I pick you up. And when you can't finish a sandwich, I eat that sandwich. You're my rock, Homie. And I promise this rock is gonna weigh you down for the rest of your life. Aw!

See you in hell! From heaven.

Sorry, Bart. It's just not the same. I've seen The itchy and Scratchy Movie 13 times.

A parent who waives the right to sue says what? What? Got it. Hey, you cant fool us. We're from the "Learn to Fart" state. Bart and Lisa are lost in Capital City and presumed crying. My poor babies!

Who knew that anger was saving my life? Say it, don't spray it. You're trying to get me angry! Thank you. You're not welcome. D'oh! I love ya, boy. Ha-ha! You love a boy. D'oh! Stop it now!

Hmm. No! You are not performing that operation yourself. But, Marge, it looks so easy. just like carving a turkey. Oh! Oh! Eww!

Oh, God. Can't this town go one day without a riot?

No. No. Better yet, my prank monkey. Will you keep giving me money? I can't have my little monkey running around in rags. Whoo-hoo! Hey! What are you doing, man? That's Carl! Let me help you. There.

I see neither blushing bride nor ardent swain! There is no wedding here! (ALL GRUMBLING) Oh, my God! We're sealed in! Nobody breathe my air! Get your own! (BREATHING HEAVILY) Why you selfish little maggot, I'll suck your lungs dry!

john Wilkes Booth. Blackbeard the Pirate. john Dillinger. And the starting line of the 1976 Philadelphia Flyers.

Okay, boy. I wrote down exactly what to say. just read it, and you're a Shoo-in!

(LAUGHS) Uh-oh! Whoa! I'm riding a unicycle with my pants down. This should be every boy's dream. Ha-ha! Your dad's not handy. Son, are you okay?

Holy g-force, Batman! The blood’s rushing to my head! That's right, my panicky chum. In a few moments you and I will literally...

Hey, wait, That's not a dummy. This exhibit is closed. The Batmobile.

Wow! Yes. You have very lucky dishes, Mr. Simpson.

After all, negotiations make strange bedfellows. Sorry, Mr. Burns, but I don't go in for these backdoor shenanigans. Sure, I'm flattered, maybe even a little curious, but the answer is no.

Wait. That ain't funny. He's my best customer.

Ask me no more questions I'll tell you no more... Ow!

No, he doesn't. Trains are regulated by the federal Department of Transportation. And recent studies have shown that-- Homer!

Hmm. I didn't know the rocket sled was an Olympic event. Well, no offense, lady, but what you don't know could fill a warehouse.

Oh, and, Mr. Gumble, for the duration of the training, there'll be no more beer. What? Three whole weeks with only wine? I'll go crazy! And may the best man win. He's got a big drinking problem. Could embarrass the program. Meet me up in that tree later, and I'll tell you more.

dusting and polishing mixing boards. When Behind the Laughter continues.

We've still got a car and a wad of cash. Uh, no, we don't. I must have spent our last $10 on this Al Gore doll. You are hearing me talk. I hate this place.

"Perhaps later we will smooch up a storm. Sexily yours, Woody."

Uh-oh. Here's a slingshot, Lisa.

Now don't feel bad, honey. Did you know back in grade school, I had a bully problem myself?

Not even enough to buy one beer. Wait a minute. Let me count and make sure. Not even close. Dear family. I am an utter failure, and you'll be better off without me.

Brilliant! Brilliant! Okay, let's do another, but this time, try to look scarier. Kind of like-- - Grr. - Gorgeous! Gorgeous, baby. That's it. That's it.

Tito Puente! He's ready to give up the drudgery of the professional mambo circuit... and settle into a nice teaching job. Man, it will be my pleasure. Lisa has told me all your students are as bright and dedicated to jazz as she is. Let's go now, Mr. Puente.

What he's typed will be a window into his madness. "Feelin' fine." Well, that's a relief.

Can't you stay in the Whack-A-Mole game? Nah. Fantastic Dan lives there. Did you call me, Spud?

This is all your fault! It-- Oh, how can I stay mad at you? Mm!

My name is Kid Kid rock

Here's johnny! D'oh!

I'm a Spalding Gray in a Rick Dees world. Change me back to the blissful boob I was!

(LAUGHS) I'm the worst thing to happen to sports since Fox. Master, you are truly a fool.

I can think of at least two things wrong with that title.

Well, Homer, maybe you can take some consolation... in the fact that something you created is making so many people happy. "Ooh! Look at me. I'm making people happy. "I'm the magical man from Happy Land, in a gumdrop house on Lollipop Lane."

It was probably just a wallaby. Now, come on. Oh, well, okay. Hello, Dolly.

I've done it, Smithers! I've bought every media outlet in town. TV, radio, even the skywriters. Cletus, what does that say? That? That says, "I loves you, Brandine."

I never realized things between us had gotten this bad. What are you pointing at? The ocean? That's a great idea! We'll swim in the ocean.

But he fired me. Now I spend my days drinking cheap scotch and watching Comedy Central. Oh, dear God! Oh, it's not that bad.

D'oh! Ow! - Ow! - Look out! Oh, no. I'm gonna go off the end of the-- D'oh!

Great spiritual quest, wolfie! My soul mate is Marge. Is it? Hmm?

And y'all hardly ever bicker anymore. Too hot to bicker, I reckon. You know, killin' that gator was the best decision I ever made. Got that right. Darn tootin'. Boy howdy.

The Simpsons is filmed in front of a live studio audience. Hey there, meathead. What are you watchin'? Oh, I thought I'd check out the Warner Brothers Network. We're proud to present on the W.B. Another bad show that no one Will see I need a drink.

He ruined the one chance I had of getting to know Mr. Bergstrom outside of school.

Thanks for writing. We'll be right back. If you said, "Bleeding Gums" Murphy and Dr. Marvin Monroe, you are wrong-- they were never popular.

In the area under "Do not write in this space," he wrote, "Okay".

You should wash up for dinner.

Oh. No wonder I didn't hear about Bart being elected world's greatest sex machine.

Welcome, friend. I'm Number Six. I'm number 15. What number are you? I am not a number! I am a man! And don't you ever-- Oh, wait. I'm Number Five.

Hello, this is Bob "What the hell am I doing in Springfield" Hope. Hey, how about that Mayor Quimby? He's some golfer! His golf ball spends more time underwater than Greg Louganis.

Either way. The important thing is the system works.

I must get back to Dance Central in Stuttgart in time to see Kraftwerk. Hey, und, dummkopf! Watch out for the CD changer in my trunk, huh? Idiot. I guess he deserves it more than I do.

Inspired by the love of a good woman... I resolved to be the best darned inmate #24601 I could be. I bade farewell to my cellmates... and left with the woman I loved. Cutter, icepick,

You would think so, but no. Really? Well, I mean, maybe we are meant for each other. Growing up, I was always tall for my age, and the other kids made fun of me. I-- I always hoped for another misunderstood soul to share my pain. You could be that soul, Collector. Oh.

Ah, the hell with him. Yeah! Hell, damn, fart!

I can't stand it any longer. This whole plant is insane. Insane, I tell you! I can be lazy too. Look at me. Hi. I'm a worthless employee, just like Homer Simpson. Give me a promotion.

How can I help you? Mr. Burns, you do this personally? It's a hobby. I'm not in this for personal gain. Are you acquainted with our state's stringent usury laws? Usury? Silly me. I made up a word that doesn't exist. What is the purpose of this loan? I want to buy a pony.

Thanks a lot. Now it's stuck on that haunted house. I heard a witch lives there. I heard a Frankenstein lives there. You guys are way off. It's a secret lab where they take the brains out of zombies... and put 'em in the heads of other zombies to create a race of super-zombies.

Samantha, you're my little girl and sometimes my imagination runs away with me. just tell me what happened. Milhouse and I... That's enough!

Milhouse? Bart, I don't want you to see me cry. Oh, come on.

Eat, eat, eat! Eat, eat, eat! Eat, eat! Ahh.

Can I interest you in a mincemeat pie? - They're very-- - Does it have tomacco in it? No, but I use only the-- Pass! I was here first. Come on, come on, people! Don't push. There's plenty of tomacco for everyone. Have your cash or food stamps ready. Don't forget your mincemeat pie.

Don't be mad at Homer. I was the one who cut the rope. Are you threatening me with that knife? No! Wait! I'm to blame, Judge. You see, I was pressuring my wife to make love in front of our son. You're gonna laugh when you hear this. When suddenly-- Well, I thought Dad was the problem.

'Cause that's my thing! Bart, a school-sponsored medieval festival is supposed to be the best day of a young girl's life. And you ruined it! You deserved to be expelled! I didn't do it! Mom, you believe me, don't you? Bart, I love you. But sometimes I don't love your choices.

Lookin' for a good time, sailor? I certainly am. No, you're not! He's really not.

Help me, lord! I told you, Flanders has it! Or Moe. Go kill Moe. just give him the doughnut! Once he has it, that will be the end of all this horror! Well, okay. If it'll end horror.

- Whoa, man. - Whoa nothing.

You know, Homer, I think we have some money... in the air conditioner account again, hmm? Oh, but, Marge, am I doomed to spend the rest of my life sweating like a pig? Yeah, not to mention lookin' like a pig, eatin' like a pig-- Don't forget the smell. Will you get off my front lawn?

So you've got to think of a way I can come home for free. Hmm. You could travel for free if you were a stewardess. Well, how badly do you want to get home? All right, all right. How about a courier? They travel for free too.

Carjacker Willie, I sentence you to 10 years in prison!

No, no, no. He'll get you after school, son. - Now hurry up. It's time for class. - But-- Scoot, young Simpson. There's learning afoot.

D'oh! (SCREAMING) (BRAKES SCREECHING)

We were using $50 bills as toilet paper, and toilet paper as dog toilet paper.

If you could do that, I'd make this place a shining beacon for the Lord! Ah, you are so full of it! God's grace, that is. It's really sickening... there aren't more people like you. Now get out... your pen and we'll make it official.

Now, to take the ferry cost a nickel. And in those days, nickels had pictures of bumblebees on 'em. "Give me five bees for a quarter," you'd say.

while they're working on you. And don't bother calling 911 anymore. Here's the real number. Oh.

Hey, Gibson! Yes, sir? Got a pencil? There you go. Thanks. Waste my time in front of his stupid-- Appreciate it.

Happy anniversary, Mom and Dad.

This scene is gettin' old, man. I'm hittin' the road. Maybe I'll drop you a line someday from wherever I wind up in this crazy old world. Kids, your father and I are going through a really tough time right now, and I don't know what's going to happen.

Mindy! Uh-- Oh, no, I'm sweating like Roger Ebert. Mu-- Murphy, youse-- You are a elf-- Uncontrollably, I think--

(TIRES SCREECHING) CHILDREN: Woah!

Oh, no, we'd never give him away. But we're moving to another country where dogs are forbidden. Hear what ? Oh, sure. Come here, boy ! Put that prowler down ! Come here ! Come on, boy. Say it, boy. Say "I love you" for the nice man. "I wuv you !"

Goliath II is really gonna pay! Get ready to meet the first action hero. Wow. Winner takes it all till he bReaks the fall In time he'll make it over the top

How was it, honey? Whiskey, please. Me "hungee."

To Marge, I leave my collection... of potato chips that resemble celebrities. They're all here-- Otto von Bismarck, Maurice Chevalier, right up to jay Leno. These chips were my children, Marjorie. Take special care of them.

I believe there's another one around here somewhere. OOh! Yes. My darling, since my kneecaps are filling with fluid as we speak, I'll be brief-- Will you marry me?

MARGE: Maggie! HOMER: Come on, Maggie! Come on! BART: The red button! ALL: Hit the red button! Hit the red button! HOMER: Hit the red button! (ALL EXCLAIMING) HOMER: Ew! Maggie, press the red button! I know, we'll use reverse psychology. Maggie, don't press the red button.

That dog has a puffy tail! Here, Puff!

Sometimes I think God is teasing me. just like he teased Moses in the desert. Tested, Homer. God tested Moses. And try to be nice to my sisters.

15 seconds to core meltdown.

We're married? But how?

Tough break, toots. I need a man who answers to no one. A full manager. Hotchie-machie. I can help you, sir. And I answer to no one. Hmm?

I'm gonna treat Marge to a romantic dinner...

Barney's is july 15, same as Lassie's,

Marge, me, and do you think you could dig up Al jolson? Uh, do you remember we did that once before? Oh, that's right. He's dead. And rather pungent. The rest of that night is something I'd like to forget. All right, then. Bring me that crooner she likes so much, Tom jones.

Don't touch anything? I'll touch whatever I feel like!

It's been done.

My kid's hero, Cruddy, Crummy-- Krusty the Clown !

That's right. $120 gross. Less Social Security, less unemployment insurance, - less Santa training... - Santa training ? less costume purchase, less beard rental, less Christmas club. But-- But-- See ya next year. Ohh ! Come on, Dad. Let's go home. Thirteen bucks ? You can't get anything for 13 bucks.

You, Smithers? Oh, no, my dear friend. I have planned a far greater reward for you. When I pass on, you shall be buried alive with me. Oh. Goody.

That helps me when I feel sad.

Give me some chips for it.

(VIDEOGAME BEEPING)

Whatever. Smell you later.

His mother won the Kentucky Derby.

- You know what you could do, Apu? - Shut up. You could fake your own death. Oh. Would you shut up? All you need is a car bomb and-- I can't believe you don't shut up!

Let me pet him again.

So, does he still work here, or what? I'd like to withdraw my life savings, please. And hurry! Uh, sir, this is a joint account. Uh, you'll need your wife's signature too. Oh! Yes, of course.

that you weren't a short man. Aw, Dad. Oh. What do you say we roll on the grass, Son? I'm with you, Dad.

Oh, ya lousy Springfielders! YOu-- Shake harder, boy!

Look at these low, low prices on famous brand-name electronics! Don't be a sap, Dad. These are just crappy knock-offs. I know a genuine Panaphonics when I see it. And look, there's Magnetbox and Sorny.

I want this to end now. Hey, Homer. Why don't you just nibble her elbow? That always melts her butter, right? Heh, heh, heh. All right. Okay. Everybody out!

Sometimes I think God is teasing me. just like he teased Moses in the desert. Tested, Homer. God tested Moses.

But you've gotta come back, Mel! - We're a team. - No, Krusty. You always treated me rather shabbily. On our last show, you poured liquid nitrogen down my pants... and cracked my buttocks with a hammer. Ah, come on. You wanna waste your life... hanging out with a bunch of dorky teenagers?

Folks, we're experiencing... some moderate Godzilla-related turbulence at this time, so I'm gonna go ahead... and ask you to put your seat belts back on. When we get to 35,000 feet he usually does let go, so from there on out, all we have to do... is worry about Mothra, and we do have reports... he's tied up with gamera and Rodan at the present time. Thank you very much.

And answer those phones, install the computer system, and rotate my office so the window faces the hills. Uh-huh, uh-huh. Okay. Um, can you repeat the part of the stuff... where you said all about the... things? Uh, the things?

Your laughter is like music to me.

Sweet Lord, it is ! Simpson ! Bart, I aM flabbergasted. Surely you knew as you were writing your own name... in 40-foot-high letters on the field that you would be caught. Maybe it was one of the other Barts. There are no other Barts ! Uh-oh.

Oh, man! I hate those Shelbyville jerks. Honey, I was born in Shelbyville. And it tears me up inside! This is my fault. I tried to teach Bart about town pride.

Give me all your money. Never!

May God have mercy on our souls.

Ah, we'll run that cable through here.

Would you mind? Yes, sir. Aw, look at the little eels. Oh, electric eels!

Yeah, keep away from him, Milhouse! You too, Ralphie. You're out of that day care center. Oh! My polite indignation knows no bounds! No! No! No one is taking my kids from me! Run, children, run!

Homer, you know how unpredictable the French are. One minute they're kissing a woman's hand, the next, they're chopping off her head. What if they start a war? Relax. I built a bomb shelter. That's not gonna protect US from anything! Fine, then don't use it. - I won't. - Good. - I know it's good. - So do I.

Oh, so you're ashamed of us. Well, you've turned into a big phony! Hey! Nobody calls Moe St. Cool a phony! All this yelling is taking away my horny. Is it? Oh, that's it. Dagmar, Julian.

Smithers, I've been thinking. Is it wrong to cheat to win a million dollar bet? Yes, sir. Let me rephrase that. Is it wrong if I cheat to win a million dollar bet? No, sir. Who would you like killed?

I'm donating this whole check to Bibles for Belgians. I'm the owner of this here team. I want to reward your generous attitude... with this check for a hundred thousand dollars! I'm crazy as a crap-house rat for philanthropy! Yee-haw!

Please, do not be alarmed. Our chefs are just saying hello.

P lay us some" _ pian-ee " J; That's piano! I said "pian-eel" J;

Hey, Duff Man, let's see how you like a sticker on your face! Yeah! Duff Man... can't breathe. Oh, no! Oh!

That doesn't make any sense. All right. Then I just don't feel like it, okay?

Drink some cola to keep yourself alert.

Oh, that's it. I give up.

Telemundo... Me... Turned it down... ABC...

Morphine, please. Wait a minute. Because I brought the check, they named a wing after me? Oh, you must be mad. Well, I will be when the morphine wears off, but until then--

Hey, you're that hitchhiker. What are you doing here? Learning the family business. I'm Larry Burns, the boss's son. Uh-oh. Oh, relax. I don't wanna work. I'm so lazy I took lessons on a player piano.

Don't kid yourself, jimmy. If a cow ever got the chance, he'd eat you and everyone you care about.

That's some good work, Lou. You'll make sergeant for this. Uh, I already am sergeant, Chief.

Aw, the Denver Broncos! I think owning the Denver Broncos is pretty good.

Ow! My eye! I'm not supposed to get pudding in it! That was capital. My lung is aching. I liked when I threw the pudding. Do it again. I'll make it an even eight. You're the boss. Ow! I'm in hell!

Homie, I'm very proud of you. But don't you think you're spending too much time with Ned? Your family needs you too. Oh, of course you'd say something like that, Marge. You've hated Ned for years. In fact, you wanted to bash his head in with a pipe. - That was you! - Love, Marge. Don't hate. Love.

Butt out, buttinsky. What would you know about hunting? I know this much. I wouldn't wear that hideous hat. Here. Take this one. It was worn by Yale Summers in Daktari. Hang on to it, toy boy. You might need it... when it starts raining naked ladies.

We got an air hockey table.

Oh, look at that adorable spice rack. Eight spices. Oh, some must be doubles. "oregano"? What the hell? Marge, we're missing the chili!

You did the right thing hiding and crying. Yeah. We'd rather have a live sissy mincing around the house than some dead hero any day. Choke on your candor! You can strangle Bart, but you can't strangle your humiliation. It's a deal! (CHOKING)

I'm afraid we have a bad image, sir. Market research shows people see you as something of an ogre. I ought to club them and eat their bones! Well, maybe this film festival could help us. A film biography might let them get to know the real you-- virtuous, heroic, nubile-- You left out pleasant!

Ow! Careful, not the face.

I hope you learned your lesson, Lisa. Never help anyone.

Yes, we are. Come on, boys. The old guy's finished. Wait. Come back. You can't do this to me. I'm Charles Montgomery Burns !

What's it like, Bart? Bart? Bart?

You know, we've had a lot of fun tonight at the expense of the U.S. Navy. But they're out there every day protecting us from Godzilla. And don't forget pirates. And jellyfish. Those whack invertebrates will sting you, old school! So check out the navy for a two- or a four-year hitch. We signed J.C. up yesterday.

Do you see anyone here who isn't here? Nope. Just you, Marge, and Yogi Bear. (CHUCKLES) Kidding! (CHUCKLES) Well, I see your sense of humor's not affected. - That's a very bad sign. - (WHIRS) (ELECTRICAL CRACKLING) (SCREAMS)

It's an emergency. If it's an emergency, then.

Oh, no. What have I done? What am I doing? What will I do?

Ooh, a movie! I call the couch! If you see only one film this year that proves my innocence, make it this one. Why are these numbers so high? Why is that red light flashing and what's that alarming sound? Smithers, get in here! Smithers!

What? What play? We thespians believe it's bad luck to mention the name of this particular play out loud. You mean Macbeth? Quiet, you blundering fool! You'll curse us all! What? By saying Macbeth?

Well, I seem to have lost my place, so I'll start over. Aw, for the love of crumb cake. Our sermon today is on constancy-- inasmuch as the-- Moreover, by dint of our application-- of these principles, we can learn-- The auspices of constancy--

He's demanding to see a quack.

- Whoa-a-a-aaah ! - A-a-a-aaah ! Wh-o-o-o-a !

Bart, warm up the car. We're going to Duff Gardens! Yea! Now, what do we say when we get to the ticket booth? "We're under six." And I'm a college student. Heh, heh! Kids, I have some bad news. Your Great-Aunt Gladys has... passed on.

And who can tell me where thunder and lightning come from? Yes, Bart? The Leader, ma'am. Very good, Bart. And who invented Morse code? Oh. I should know this one. The-- The Leader? Ah. Correct again. He's wrong! You're wrong!

What are you gonna do? First, I'm gonna read the paper, have a little nosh. And then, I'm gonna rinse out a few things. And then, finally, I will get an innocent man out of jail. Well, he can't break my heart, 'cause he kind of makes me sick. This could work.

Quit it! Quit it!

Sorry, son, but there's a program about campus life that I really should watch. We now return to School of Hard Knockers, starring Corey Masterson. Dean Bitterman, I hope nothing unsavory happens during my visit. As you know, I am the president of the United States.

Take care, ladies. I'm sure you can make it back to the prison on your own. We will. You're all right, Donut Breath. You're like the son I never killed. Mom, I'm gonna hide you where there's no one around for miles. Disney's California Adventure.

Baby boy. Baby boy. Ba-ba-ba-baby boy (SCREAMS) Dad, you completely sold me out. Well, I paid for this ticket. That makes me an adult.

I think these are my Homie's size. Excuse me. Can I ask you a favor? Perfect! I'll take it!

Bart you shouldn't be looking through other people's things. Find anything good? I said it before, and I'll say it again. Ay, caramba!

What could be better? Oh, man, I really gotta-- NO-O-o!

Don't hassle the dead, boy. They have eerie powers. I thought this thing was gonna be catered. Boy, am I hungry. I mean I'm really, really hungry.

Ohh. A Malibu Stacy convertible! "Look in the tunk." He must mean "trunk." Tickets to the Krusty anniversary show! Oh, he must want me to go with him.

I don't know how to thank you for dinner. Use your imagination. Mmm! Aah!

Overeating. And if there's time, we'll get to my drinking. But there won't be time. I'm telling you, Bart. One vice leads to another. And then you'll wind up like me. So jaded the only thing that gets you off is freebasing ground-up moon rocks. (SUCKING)

Shh! Tappa-tappa-tappa.

- You see me as a god, right, Smithers? - Absolutely, sir. You'd kneel before me. Boy, would I! Yes. Uh, then I'll form my own religion with its own symbol. We'll use this special "K." I believe that's already a breakfast cereal, sir. - And people worship it? - In a way.

Pretty slick. You should join my religion, Moe. It's great. No hell, no kneeling-- Sorry, Homer. I was born a snake handler, and I'll die a snake handler. Neighbor, I heard about your heresy, and we've made it our mission to win you back to the flock.

By the way, Homer, what's your least favorite country? Italy or France? France. Nobody ever says Italy.

I'm a financial planner, not a financial consultant. Sorry. Now I'd like my fee, please. I know you're not a deaf-mute, Mr. Simpson. We've been talking for the last 20 minutes. Aaah!

One Pill makes you laRger Fergie! And one pill makes you small Willie, you complete me.

Alouette, gentille Alouette Alouette, je te plumerai Bien.

HOMER: (MOCKING) Ooh! I'm Marge Simpson. Don't eat off the floor. Ooh!

Sayonara, Tojo!

Bra-a-a-a-a-a-ve Hi-de-hi, Springfield. Dan Horde mike-side. Tonight our Isotopes take on the pesky Shelbyville Shelbyvillians. The Topes are looking to snap that darn 26-game losing streak, the longest in pro baseball.

Ah, Simpson, you big, virile son of a gun would you like a check for $2,000? Would I! All you have to do is sign this form. I'm not signing anything until I read it or somebody gives me the gist of it. Ooh. All right.

Next! If I could walk with the animals Talk with the animals Grunt and squeak and squawk with the animals Good Lord! Doctor Doolittle is Chief Wiggum. This bird's gonna fly! Aaah!

Tonight we'll see Angela Lansbury walk on hot coals. Excitement, she wrote. How could someone abuse their body that way? Moe, don't throw out that brine.

Ah, there's nothing like canceling an employee drug plan to make one feel so at peace with the universe. I agree, sir. Shut up. I'm so sick of you, Smithers.

Oh! This is why I can't have nice things! Every time I design a robot, somebody comes along and-- Hang on, Linguo. You'll be up and conjugating in no time. My thumb!

No, no, Reverend. The point is he said a bad word. Oh. Oh, right. Well, kids usually pick these things up from someplace. Find out who's doing it and direct them to the Bible. Where in the Bible? Uh... page 900. But, Reverend... Damn Flanders.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

I ain't goin' nowhere. I been in this square pert' near 30 seasons, and I ain't a-leavin' now. He's dead now.

- Got it, Barn? - Got what? Ow! You're stealing a table? I'm not stealin' it. Hotels expect you to take a few things. It's a souvenir. - Ah. Is that my necktie you're wearing? - Souvenir.

I am the Great Humongous! We all know you're the Great Humongous!

And since it's my birthday, we'll party extra hard! No! Not yet! I'm only 25! What up, chew-toys? Cienega here tightening the host clamps for you bad girls.

So you're saying we're definitely gonna win? Whoo-hoo! I won't need this anymore. Marge, someone broke the toilet.

Maybe it needs a little mayonnaise to get going. Okay. You go sit in the sun and let it melt in. Hmph. Why me? Yuck. I smell like a sandwich.

You liked john this morning. No. I'm not setting foot outside this house until that man is gone. Oh, Dad, you are the living end.

But I'm not gonna take it! Who's with me? I am! I am! We're here! We're queer! We don't want any more bears! We're here! We're queer! We don't want any more bears!

Those boys of mine.

Now I'm gonna find the real killers. Kids, that cartoon's not life-affirming. We're going to watch a show... about the everyday problems of angels. Now back to Good Heavens. Jesus called today. He did?

These are so easy. It's obviously "Tom Hanks." Who? Otm Shank. He is India's answer to Brian Dennehy. Otm Shank.

Last night's Itchy and Scratchy was, without a doubt, the worst episode ever! Rest assured that I was on the Internet within minutes... registering my disgust throughout the world.

You stole my bit! YOu-- That's my bit, you-- Oh, you stole my bit! Cut! Oh, my God! He's killed the original Alfalfa!

After Chernobyl, my penis is falling off. And "penis" is Russian for--

Homer Simpson. Homer Simpson. Report at once to Mr. Burns' office.

Simpson, Homer Simpson He's the greatest guy in history From the town of Springfield

I wash myself with a rag on a stick.

Yoo-hoo, Mr. Robot. Dad, I think you're wrong about that robot trying to be your friend.

Mmm. Doughnut? No, thanks. Do you have any fruit? This has purple stuff inside. Purple is a fruit. Uh-- Oh! This is a map of nuclear sites around the country. As a safety inspector, I'm responsible for changing most of these lightbulbs.

There's a trickledown theory here. If I'm happy, I'm less abusive to the rest of you.

What's he doin' with that broom?

You ruined our undefeated season! You ruined everything, ruiner! My sister likes you. Listen here, daddy's boy. You cost us one more game and you're dead.

NED: "The Flanders family has pulled up stakes. "You have laughed at us for the last-diddly-ast time." "Last-diddly-ast"? (WAILING) He's gone! And it's all someone's fault!

Pardon me, sir. Your scrapings have landed on my jacket from Planet Hollywood Orlando. - So, what if it did? - So, it is very thoughtless. I should cut you like I cut sodium out of my diet. You don't scare me with your dignity and your subtle cologne.

Superintendent, I was just-- uh, just stretching my calves on the windowsill. Isometric exercise. Care to join me? Why is there smoke coming out of your oven, Seymour? Uh-- Oh. That isn't smoke. It's steam. Steam from the steamed clams we're having. Mmm. Steamed clams.

Oh, my heart's beating like crazy. Mine too! Just like back in that hayloft. You know, the fear of getting caught is kind of a turn-on. There's that dirty girl I married. Come on. I have a disgusting idea.

Oh, my God! The plant's gonna explode! Hey, that thing's going caca-cuckoo. Who cares? It's Homer's problem. Wait. I know. Vent gas. "Pressure too high"? Oh! "Tank must be shut down manually"?

Here we are. - You didn't have to drop me off. - But I wanted to. Marge, do you know how beautiful you look in the moonlight? jacques, I'm a married woman. I know, I know. My mind says "Stop!" but my heart and my hips cry "Proceed!"

Mister Motherloving, that could be interpreted as a threat. I'll kill you while you sleep. Objection.

How about a half-hour of pity sex? Is there any other kind? (BURPS) In the wake of the devastating eruption, one Springfielder proved herself a hero, Marge Simpson!

And he's going to take us to a wonderful new planet. Oh, this Leader-- He sounds like a grand fella. Willie, I'm not sure we're making any headway here. Would you shut up, woman. He's talking about my leader. Uh, maybe we should take a little break-a-rooney, huh? Anyone like a draft beer? Beer?

Soup's on, fat boy! Ooh! Ow! Hey! No! No! Help! No! Ow! No! Yo, Andy, no!

We're gonna make you sing, Bart Simpson. Yeah, Bart Simpson, we're gonna make you sing.

Hey Hey-hey-hey-hey-hey Hey Boy, they sure love soccer here. Kick up!

Now let me put my tongue down "yourmouth." Ugh! Now cook up my catch. A seagull? The whales weren't biting, okay? I know you did your best.

I didn't do it. I didn't do it. Hey, proper.

We're in minute two of this standoff. What's the situation, Chief?

Mmm-mmm-mmm. Hmm? Mmm! Wow! I'm sorry I doubted you before, Dad. If there has to be a bastardized version of Krusty, I'm glad it's you.

- Action! - ¡Ay, ay, ay! ¡No me gusta! ¡Ay, es grande!

These melons represent your protectees. Throughout this course, you will protect your personal melon as if it was paying your salary. What?

Rod, you've got small, girlish hands. Reach in and fish it out. A hand! Ow! Daddy, something attacked me! Oh, now, Roddy, it's just a stuck ball. I'll get it.

(GASPS) You're not hurt. You're a good luck kitty. All right, old Gil's gonna collect big from insurance. I'll be eating food tonight. (HUMMING) (EXPLOSION)

BART: What the hell? Whoa! (LAUGHING) Oh, Bart, you look worse than Aunt Patty in the morning. And there ain't nothing looks worse than Aunt Patty in the morning. (GRUNTS ANGRILY) (GRUNTS ANGRILY) (BOTH GRUNTING ANGRILY)

Ow! Hey, watch those virtual darts! I'm trying to play virtual pool. Ow! Hey, hey! No fighting in my bar!

Then a team of doctors administers eye drops, painkillers... and a vocal-cord scraping. Don't worry. You won't feel a thing...

KRUSTY: If I may say a word? Why, we're joined live now by Krusty the Clown. Krusty? I want to clear up a misconception about the Whatchamacarcass Sandwich. I used non-diseased meat from diseased animals. Everyone does it.

I wash myself with a rag on a stick.

Hey, Bush! Get out here! Excuse me, sir. Where are you going? I'm going to punch George Bush in the face. Okay. Is he expecting you? You owe me an apology! Hey, you owe me an apology. If you were any kind of a father, you'd have disciplined that boy a long time ago.

You can't take more of my money.

Half a dozen eggs? Well, that would be the complete dozen.

Now that's what I call a bad hair day. May I remind you that two people are dead? Oh. Wait. I just got it. It is funny. Bad hair day.

You know, I feel pretty good. Maybe I should just keep walking, instead of going into a dark, dreary bar. Hey, get in here, boozy. You're late for your drunkening. No. From now on, walking is my beer, and feeling good is my hangover. Hmph!

Prepare to engage enemy. Bogie's air speed not sufficient for intercept. Suggest we get out and walk.

And he also set up hundreds of yellow umbrellas along a California highway. Why did he do that? To make the world a more magical place, I guess. Although they did blow over and kill some people. Killer umbrellas? Of course. Exquisite. No, Dad. No, my point is you have to do something big and daring.

Man, I thought Mom was gonna scream me stupid. She didn't even raise her voice. I admit I haven't known Mom as long as you have, but I know when she's really upset. Her heart won't just wipe clean like this bathroom countertop. It absorbs everything that touches it like this bathroom rug.

Forget it, Mom. Dad's really mad. His tendons are throbbing. Stress is collecting in the trouble spots-- here, here, and here-- making for one unhappy pappy.

I don't hate you. I'm proud of you. You came through for your daughter when she needed you the most. Oh, thanks, Marge. But it'll take a lot more than that to comfort this tortured soul. Hey, boxy. - give me that! - Ohh!

Let's get really far ahead on our homework! Wait till the other kids see we're already on the red unit of "Adventures in Reading!" (SIGHS IN EXASPERATION) Due to budget cuts, music class will now have a two-drink minimum.

Okay, boy. I want you to keep this exercise thing under your hat. That way, I won't be embarrassed if I fail. Oh, great. Now the cat knows. Okay. Here we go.

Yes, yes. Very good wrath. Ah, let's see. Our foreign exchange student Uter has chosen Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. I-- But this is just an empty box. I begged you to look at mine first. I begged you.

for a drop of sweet beer. So, Homer, please feel free to tell us anything.

Hey! Smithers, I don't want that unpredictable lunatic working in my casino. Fine. We'll transfer him to the nuclear plant, sir. Oh, my beloved plant. How I miss her. Bah! To hell with this! Get my razor! Draw a bath!

My parents won't let me use scissors. The children are right to laugh at you, Ralph. These things couldn't cut butter. Now, take out your red crayons.

Is that Selma ? Ring-a-ding-ding. Oh, shut up. Why are you all dolled up like a chorus girl ? Well, it takes a ripe piece of cheese to catch the mouse. It's time to give away my love like so much cheap wine. Take it to the hoop, Selma.

Can I see your copy of Swank, Armin? Yes, you can. This is Armin's life. Maybe it's not perfect, but at least I'm back where I belong. I was born a no-goodnik, and I'll die a no-goodnik.

the Teddy bears have their picnic. Encore! He's a pip, this one is. Ah, the mirthless laugh of the damned. Hold your nose, Smithers. We're going in. Watch me blend in.

Hang on. I'll buzz you in. Buzz! Teacher and subject. Miss Hoover. Wind in the Willows. Oh. Here we go.

It boggles the mind. It's best not to think about it.

but how will I remember all those numbers?" Whoa! Well, scientists have discovered that even monkeys can memorize 10 numbers. Are you stupider than a monkey? How big of a monkey? Of course you're not.

the short-lived Itchy and Scratchy and Friends Hour. They had to come up with some friends. There's Disgruntled Goat, Uncle Ant, Klu Klux Klam.

But I can explain. I'm leaving you, Marge. The next time you see my name will be in the hobo obituaries. Don't worry about the kids. I'll drop them off with Patty and Selma. Patty and Selma? Screw that. Just run the camera, you little-- D-oh!

How could I confuse bus 22 with 22-A?

The spirit of Cesar Chavez. Why do you look like Cesar Romero? Because you don't know what Cesar Chavez looks like. Why are you here? To tell you not to give up. Oh, but I wanna. He's talking to himself, sir. And his smell is distracting the center fielder. Yeah. This is getting sad. Let's bring him in.

Shake, shake, shake shake, shake, shake Shake, shake, shake His ass is gonna blow!

Hey, China is still cool. You pay later! Later! Solid. The rest of you, go on home and look in your mailboxes... 'cause I totally remember sending checks out. Mm-hmm.

What's up, cootie breath?

Ooh! Stomach churning! Bowels clenching. Not much time. Must finish.

Principal Skinner, I got carsick in your office.

(BEETHOVEN'S FIFTH SYMPHONY PLAYING) Where is everybody going? The symphony, she has just started! So? We already heard the Dum, dum, dum, dum The rest is just filler.

(SINGING DRUNKENLY)

Huh? Wow. Mental note: Don't overdo this.

Coming up next, "The Flintstones Meet The jetsons." Uh-oh. I smell another cheap cartoon-crossover. Bart Simpson, meet jay Sherman, the critic. Hello. Hey, man, I really love your show. I think all kids should watch it. I suddenly feel so dirty.

You're a great mom. You were always there for Bart with love and support. His acting out was probably caused by negative reinforcement. Oh, I get it. Blame the strangler! (SCOFFING)

That sounds like the testimony of crazy old Lisa Simpson.

Ooh, kicking and screaming, please. As you wish. Noooooo!

"Mercury, Venus, Earth, Mars--" Come on, Edna. Don't be tardy! "Mercury, Venus, Earth, Mars, Jupiter, Saturn, Uranus, Neptune, Pluto."

But it looks like Father Time took care of that for us, right? Am I right, folks? Oh, this sucks. Weren't there three Indians last year?

They paddled up the Mississippi from St. Louis.

Bart, come over here. What ? - You little monkey. You're a little monkey, aren't you ? - Yes, sir. Bart, do that thing you do that's so cute. What ? That thing you know how to do. What ? Go to bed.

slapdash episodes with yawns. Angry yawns. Desperate to polish their tarnished image, the family agreed...

Get me Buck McCoy! Dad, I'm on the line. Here ya go. Just stop this bank robbery, and you'll be a hero again. - I'll wait in the car. - Are you crazy? I'm a movie cowboy. And you're no Howard Hawks. That hurts. But I just have one question.

was shot, following a tense confrontation at town hall. Burns was rushed to a nearby hospital, where he was pronounced dead. He was then transferred to a better hospital, where doctors upgraded his condition to alive. Now let's talk to Police Chief Wiggum.

Well, check out my present. Next.

Oh, my God. I won. I won! Recapping our day's top story: The winner of today's state lottery is... me, Kent Brockman. Can we get a shot of me? There you go.

Just do what you usually do... and the killer will reveal himself. Gotcha. f Wind Blo wing f This is a normal day? I just wanted to impress you.

All right, let's keep this train wreck moving. Principal Skinner? I know him. He's not funny. Well, enjoy.

Knife goes in guts come out

Don't worry. Being eaten by a crocodile... is just like going to sleep... in a giant blender.

That hideous man is a hero!

At the Apple Biscuit CafÉ, where the smiles are free, don't you know, Sven Inqvist studied the menu. Finally, he ordered the same thing he has every day. Maybe it's the TV.

- Dad, don't you want to know where we're going ? - No. Discount Lion Safari ! Damn these childproof doors !

Well, if it isn't little-- uh, boy.

Ooh! What about indiana jones? Does anyone own the rights to that? Hey, Mel! I fell out!

"Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"

Nine hundred dollari-doos? Tobias! Did you accept a six-hour collect call from the States? It was an emergency call from the International Drainage Commission... in Springfield. Oh, my God! There's nothing wrong with the bidet, is there?

Hold that thought. Bacon up that sausage, boy! But, Dad, my heart hurts.

(GASPING) ...to the Disney Company, which will turn each one into a movie! Really? How much money do I get? You get nothing.

And as my final newscast draws to a close, I'm reminded of a few of the events that brought me closer to you. The collapse of the Soviet Union, premium ice cream price wars, dogs that were mistakenly issued major credit cards and others who weren't so lucky. And so, farewell.

I saved these for you, Bart. You'll always have them to remind you of the time... when you were the whole world's special little guy. Thanks, Mom. And now you can go back to just being you... instead of a one-dimensional character with a silly catchphrase. D'oh! ¡Ay, caramba!

Can you imagine us workin' there? The whole Carl Crew? Hey, I thought we were called Lenny and the Jets. Ah, you're both wrong. We're the Moe Szyslak Experience, featuring Homer.

You gotta give me back my floor! My customers are walking around on the pipes. Hey, next time pay your bills. But I don't want to! Excuse me, sir. Did you repossess this dog from a guy named Santos L. Halper?

- No offense. - None taken.

Seems to be caught... between these two flowers.

Okay, Mr. Burns. Uh, what's your first name ? I don't know.

Think you're big men with your handcuffs and blasted Tasers! Get him out of here. I'll get you, Bart Simpson, if it's the last thing I do! What is this all about? It's quite simple, really. I observed our friend, Groundskeeper Willie, burning leaves-- a blatant disregard for our clean air laws.

Go on, Mojo. Show Marge your happy dance. And so on.

Have you ever seen the sun set at 3:00 p.m.?

Me thinks I shan't.

Uh, this is the part where you're supposed to say, "I believe you, Homer." I don't believe you, Homer. You do? Oh, Marge! You've made me so happy. You're not listening. You're only hearing what you want to hear. Thanks! I'd love an omelet right about now.

Not me. I'm shaking like a French soldier. Yeah. I think I just logged onto my Internet. Only a moron would jump into that-- Geronimo! Oh, my God! D'oh!

Aah! Guys, guys! This is the wrong movie. Oh, wait a second. I do something really funny here.

PHONIC FROG: I agree with your mother. You are a disappointment to Huh-Oh-Muh-Eh-Er.

Much better. Oh, good, the curtains are on fire.

Hello, Springfield. How ya-- Whoo-hoo-hoo! Okay, our first event qualifies for course credit... at Dartmouth College-- Trick Pouring.

Poka, poka, poka. Poka, poka, poka. Excellent.

(ALL GASP) (MUSIC PLAYING)

The solution-- And thus the Earth is saved.

I'm looking for something loose and billowy, something comfortable for my first day of work. Work, huh? Let me guess. Computer programmer? Computer magazine columnist. Something with computers. Well, I use a computer. What's the connection? Must be the nonstop sitting and snacking.

The only thing I'm fit to take care of is a house plant. Lousy house plant! You son of a -- I'll teach you to-- D'oh-- YOu--

Skinned elbows? All right! Time to score some pity! Mommy!

Oh, I could lick you all day long!

Seymour! Mother. Superintendent Chalmers! Skinner! What I wouldn't give for something... to interrupt this awkward moment. That'll do nicely.

Shh. You're causing... more avalanches. I... think... they've... stopped.

They're dancing on the Berlin Wall. These live and lively lovers of liberation... Boring. Sorry I ruined your date, Sergeant Carter. Pyle! Well, friend, you're going back where you came from-- the curb in front of Flanders's house.

Why don't you go in and pick up my mother, and we'll go out to dinner? I'll be back in a jiffy! - That's not my mother. - I'll be back in a jiffy! Can I come too? Oh.

But Mr. Burns gave me my job, and he hasn't fired me... even after three meltdowns and one China Syndrome. I can't betray him. I'm afraid you have no choice.

Wait a minute. You've got a medium, and I've got a message. Maybe God brought us together for a reason. Yeah. You help me and I, in turn, am helped by you.

Oh. Flushing Meadows.

There waS A farmer had A dog and bingo was his name-o b-i-- O b-i-- o b-i-- And bingo was his name-o Added extra clap. Not college material.

A snake in the cash register! Great prank, fellas. Great. Oh, I'm gonna be sick tonight.

Dad, I want to go to bed. Aren't there child labor laws? Who told you about those laws? Was it Marge? Hey, you've been riding me all day. Why don't you poop in your hat? Are you going to need us tonight? I have ballet tickets-- not that they'll do much good now.

The monkey's on my part of the sofa.

The city of Washington was built on a stagnant swamp... some 200 years ago and very little has changed. It stank then and it stinks now. Only today, it is the fetid stench of corruption that hangs in the air. Cool! A ruckus.

Are we gonna die, son? Yeah. But at least we'll take a lot of innocent people with us. Homer? Homer? Y'ello? Homer, there's a man here who thinks he can help you. Batman? No, he's a scientist. Batman's a scientist. It's not Batman!

All right. Here you go. Red Tick Beer. Hmm. Bold, refreshing... and something I can't quite put my finger on. Hmm. Needs more dog.

Whatever little money you have will be just fine.

Well, animals are a lot like people, Mrs. Simpson. Some of them act badly because they've had a hard life, Stampy! or have been mistreated. But, like people, some of them are just jerks. Stop that, Mr. Simpson.

three, "B"! It's okay, Homie. You can come out now. Uh, give me a minute.

I wanna have a kid, and this is the only way I can do it. Why do you wanna have a baby so bad? I got a lotta love to give, and, right now, my only outlet is my ham radio. Are you sure you've thought this through? A child can really change your life.

we're a nice, normal family. Hey, Bart, last one in the fountain's a rotten egg ! Hey ! D-oh ! Be normal. Be normal ! Mmm ! What an adorable little girl. Thank you. Why don't we dump them in the nursery and get a glass of punch ? Oh, I'm not much of a drinker.

You gotta slow your car down and let me in because I'm a big fat guy and I can't go anywhere. Because there's gonna be some poison gas. There's gonna be really poison gas. Everybody's gonna be dead, especially me! D'oh! The ice-cream man.

Whoa ! You certainly have a lot of bowling trophies.

Hey, come on, joey !

Yeah. It's true. And I hear you asking, "Who's gonna straighten out all these artistic abominations?" Your friends? A neighbor? Those fat cats in Washington? Good luck. Hey, you know, maybe no one'll notice.

Hamlet! Avenge me! Dad? Yes. I have returned from the dead. Looks like you've returned from the buffet. Why, you little-- D'oh!

to stamping out illiteracy in today's anything-for-a-thrill youth. Give a hoot. Read a book. Krusty's arrest has sent shock waves through Springfield, packing its churches,

Oh! I'm so angry, I could just-- I could fall asleep! I-- Completely innocent.

Why not quit now while you're ahead? Boom. I'll be right back. Oh, it's hot! Oh!

"Here lies"-- Walt Whitman? Damn you, Walt Whitman! I... hate... you, Walt... freakin'... Whitman! Leaves of Grass my ass! Wait a minute. Maybe it's that other grave. The one that says "Simpson."

And the final number is... 49. 38... 49! Oh, my God. I won. I won! Recapping our day's top story: The winner of today's state lottery is... me, Kent Brockman.

Hey, check it out. Skinner's mopping the goo off his house! Wait till he finds what I left in his birdbath. No!

Oh, you can silence me, but you can't silence Collier's magazine. Tell the people! Don't let the government push you around! You have a choice. Fight back!

Willie, must you do that now? Ach! You want streaks? 'Cause if you interrupt me, that's what you'll get! Oh.

So, Burt, tell us a little about Fireball and Mudflap. Well, I play jerry "Fireball" Mudflap, a feisty Supreme Court justice, who's searching for his birth mother... while competing in a cross-country fire truck race. It's garbage.

Well, if that is what you think, I have something to tell you. Something that may shock and discredit you. And that thing is as follows. I'm not wearing a tie at all.

Oh, Marge, kids, I miss my club. Oh, Homie. You know, you are a member of a very exclusive club. The Black Panthers? No, the Family Simpson-- which has just five members,

Are you wearing a grocery bag? I have misplaced my pants. I'm not going to press charges, but I assume you'll want to punish him. Yeah, I appreciate the suggestion, lady, but he hates that, and I gotta live with him. You're the man, Homer. Well, if you won't discipline him, I'll come back and speak with his mother.

Okay, when I call your name, uh, you say "Present" or "Here." No, say "Present." "Anita Bath." All right. Settle down. Anita Bath here? All right. Fine. Fine. Uh, "Maya Buttreeks."

Silence! We are travelers from a certain nearby ringed planet... whose name we'd prefer not to mention. My name is Kang, - and this is my sister, Kodos. - Hello. I suppose you wanna probe me. Well, might as well get it over with.

Hey, if you want wild bears eating your children... and scaring away your salmon, that's your business. But I'm not gonna take it! Who's with me? I am! I am! We're here! We're queer!

Oh, hell is a terrible place ! Maggots are your sheet, worms your blanket. There's a lake of fire burning with sulphur. You'll be tormented day and night forever and ever. As a matter of fact, if you actually saw hell, you'd be so frightened you would die.

Then get the Orbit King, with yaw control like you've never seen.

Oh, you're gonna love it in Cuba, Marge. There's shredded pork everywhere! It's carne de burro. Nice to meet you.

Ah, let him go. I have a feeling we'll meet again each and every week, always in more sexy and exciting ways. Daddy, when I grow up, I want to be just like you. Better start eating, kid. Start eating? I didn't mean it that way.

home of the brave oh, ameriCa's the home of the brave the brave America the brave the brave homE of the brave Thank you, Springfield! I love you! Peace!

Could you leave me with the young 'uns, please ? Now, let me start by sayin', good for you, son. It's always good to see young people taking an interest in danger. Now, a lot of people are gonna be telling you you're crazy. And maybe they're right, but the fact of the matter is, bones heal, chicks dig scars,

Give me that! Okay. We're young, rich and full of sugar. What'll we do? Let's go crazy Broadway-style! Yeah! SpriNgfield, springfield it's A hell of a town

On behalf of the city, I'd like to apologize and ask... how long it will take for you to flood this town with booze again? Well, sorry. I'm not in that business anymore. Four minutes. And so one town's brief flirtation with prohibition... ended in a joyous remarriage to Lady Liquor.

We've gotta talk. Listen, thanks for not turning me in. That was sweet. Well, it seems like if you really care for me, you should come forward. Oh, don't you see? It's because I care for you that I can't come forward. That doesn't make any sense. All right. Then I just don't feel like it, okay?

You have chosen "No," meaning you've committed a crime but don't want to confess. A paddy wagon is now speeding to your home. Hey! While you wait, why not buy a police cap or t-shirt? You have the right to remain fabulous. Here it is, everybody--

Ah, home to my loving family. What more could a man ask for? Hi, Homer. Don't kiss me. I'm all stuffed up. Hi, Dad. Hi, son! How are you-- Ew! Dad, look. I made fish sticks.

Come here, boy. I want to show you something. What's that? A homemade bat? It's something very special-- a homemade bat. It all started last year during a terrible thunderstorm when I locked myself out of the house.

I think you're taking unfair advantage of my generous offer. Shut up!

Welcome to my nightmare. I knew you had your hands full with the babies,

You mean Clownface? None... other. Well, if it isnt Bat-mensch and the Goy Wonder! Sweet Valley High! Krusty played a Batman villain?

Daddy, ask the man for some candy. No, no. No candy for you. Well, at least get some candy for yourself. Kids. Here's your candy.

Good afternoon.

Excellent shot, Smithers. I'll be squeezing my Bobo in no time. Howdy, gents. What can I didilly-do ya for? Remember, Smithers, in and out in 18 seconds.

Diamond joe Quimby. Hey, I am no longer illiterate! Now, why are we doomed to this Quimby quagmire, you ask, O Reasonable Listener? Because this town is under the stranglehold of... a few tie-dyed tree huggers who would rather play hacky sack than lock up the homeless.

Hey, somebody screwed up bad. You've got all these big comics lined up for your show, but there's no Krusty. Who? Krusty the Clown. Funniest man alive, prince of pies, the sultan of seltzer? Excuse me, sir. Do you like to laugh?

(GASPS) (SCREAMS) Oh, another setback. (GROANING) What the Family Circus?

"It's hopeless. Utterly, utterly hopeless."

You're watching PBS.

Whoo-hoo! I gotta call Burns! I gotta call Burns! Maybe I can still get that drink. Dad, the longer he has to wait, the more he'll pay. Right. That makes sense. No! No! Let me go!

Oh, I hate that sound.

So long, suckers! Well, at least we're outside instead of sitting home watching TV.

Neither are my teeth, but I can still eat corn on the cob, if someone cuts it off and smushes it into a fine paste. Now that's good eatin'!

Garbage ! What matchbook art school did you flunk out of, you ham-fisted, nearsighted house painter ? - Smithers, throw this on the dung heap. - I quit.

Maybe it's that other grave. The one that says "Simpson." Oh! Why does my death keep coming back to haunt me? Oh! You awful, awful man! Get out of my son's grave! I hate to rain on your parade, lady.

Cartoons don't have to make sense. He's right, you know.

You certainly have a lot of bowling trophies. I like you so much. They're not for bowling, Marge. You're so naive. They are for lovemaking.

It's called the Raven.

Ooh! Bacon! Homer, I prepared a special surprise just for you. It could only be one thing. Psst! The best meat's in the rump. Here you go. What the hell is this? Nice, healthy oatmeal. Ooh, oatmeal.

Oh! Patience, Monty. Climb the ladder.

You've been eating that thing for a week. I think the mayonnaise is starting to turn. Two more feet, and I can fit it in the fridge.

Do you know how sick this is going to make me? Oh, boy. Come stand next to the bathroom door. I want to yell at you some more. Why, you little rapscallion-- Oh, show business sucks. I'm outta here. The most hideous child I have ever witnessed!

What do I do in case-- After applying brushable coating to the panels-- Wait a minute. you'll need corrosion-resistant metal stucco lath. Wait a minute! If you can't find metal stucco lath-- Uh-huh? use carbon-fiber stucco lath. Ohh! Now parge the lath.

Somewhere in that sea of bull hormones... is the sweet, wonderful girl I married. The woman who, instead of swatting a fly... will give it a bath and send it on its way. I'd sure like to go home and have Jiffy Pop with her. Oh, my gosh. You’re right.

You got a fresh sound. It'll play well at this school. Hey, Bart, do you have a best friend yet? 'Cause I've been looking for someone to boss me around.

(ROARS) A TV shark is not a babysitter. HOMER: How about this guy? Ha! Homer!

Cant we just pretend you’re really a girl? Well, for how long? For the rest of our lives. Gosh. $50,000.

Homer, don't be-- Wow, that is huge. Ooh! Pretty colors. Me want a drink. Oh!

Hey, Homer! Great call on that chicken place. And on that rib place! I never knew everything was so good! Look, Marge. I'm making a difference in people's lives. Yes, Simpson, your love of food is contagious. I've never felt jollier.

Aye, 'tis a sugary brine. Mmm! This sugar shark is delicious. Ow. Hey, he bit me back. Oh, so that's how it's gonna be, huh? Gee, everyone looks so happy. Indeed, Marge. And, uh, now that I think of it, I wildly exceeded my authority,

Dad, do you notice anything strange? Yeah, his hairdo looks so queer. - I heard that! - It was the boy! Ooh! Punch! Eww. Dad, this is blood.

The enemy surrounded the fort and said that if the captain was sent out, the rest would be spared. What did they do? They sent him out. Was he killed? And how. That's why they call it Fort Sensible.

Ugh! I wish I'd never found those stupid bones! It's time to put an end to this. Bart, I'm borrowing your blue crowbar. Good ol' Blue-y. Hey, she's gonna smash the angel! Somebody stop her! It's gone!

Where is everybody? Hey, man, are you okay? Won't dignify that... with a response. Mr. Burns has been shot.

Stuff starts disappearing-- That's enough. There's a problem with the reactor. What do you do? A problem with the reactor?! We're all going to die! Run! Mmm... mmm.

Now Martin's scoring off me. Oh, that is it! Listen up, everybody! Follow me! What's going on, huh? What's happening, Simpson? Where are we going anyway? Okay, crew. Set your faces to stunned.

Well, if loving my kids is lame, then I guess I'm just a big lame.

Can't you do something for him? Well, we can't fix his heart, but we can tell you exactly how damaged it is. What an age we live in!

Mmm. My back pain's completely cured! That was one too many. I got the recipe for these in Istanbul. More.

Oh ! Aw, Homer ! Aw, Dad !

You know, Smithers, I've always despised the laziness of the common worker. Then I realized his spirit was willing, but the flesh was weak. I replaced the flesh, which is weak, with steel, which is strong. Behold! The greatest breakthrough in labor relations...

Oh, please, do go on. I know you're a good man. And I have a dog that's very sick. Oh, please, continue. I thought maybe you-- Oh. - Well, thanks for your time. - Hmm.

Drink Duff... responsibly. Drink Duff... responsibly. Now, which one of you is our designated driver? Twist off, damn it! I guess I'll be driving.

Do you find something comical about my appearance... - when I am driving my automobile? - Yeah. Everyone needs to drive a vehicle-- even the very tall. This was the largest auto that I could afford. Should I therefore be made the subject of fun? I guess so.

(CHUCKLES) (HUMMING) MR. BURNS: Simpson, I haven't seen so many drugs in a wang since I ran a Chinese opium den! "Crack, smack, uppers, downers, outters, inners, "horse tranquilizers, cow paralyzers, blue bombers, "green goofers, yellow submarines,

I'm Troy McClure. You might remember me from such films as Today We Kill, Tomorrow We Die, and Gladys, the Groovy Mule. But today you'll see me in my greatest role-- your video tour guide to Rancho Relaxo.

Go ahead. Charles Montgomery Burns. - Mm-hmm. - American... Mm-hmm. and patriot. American patriot. Master of the atom. Scourge of the despot.

Frank Grimes-- or "Grimey," as he liked to be called--

I can't even watch. I don't know how you two can sit here laughing at poor Lisa... while she's out there probably scared to death. We're laughing with her, Marge. There's a big difference. With her.

I got a mink chamois, sir. I hope that-- Oh, my God! Mr. Burns is dead! Why do the good always die so young? You almost killed me! Please, sir. You'll catch-- cold.

She? What are you talking about "she"? Who's-- What? This? I'll never forgive myself for this.

Hey, I think I hear a dingo eating your baby. Yeah, well, I-- Ooh! Oh! Oh, that's it. I'm gonna report this to me member of parliament.

I just dropped by with present for warming of house. Instead find you grappling with local oaf. Oh, brought some of your commie friends to help you fight dirty, eh?

Whazzup? English - US - Line 21

Don't worry. You'll feel better once we put your hair up in curlers... and give you a makeover, Homina. Oh, that would be delight-- Quiet, boy.

We are gathered here this Memorial Day... to once again honor you World War II veterans. Truly, you are the greatest generation. Keep it comin', Brokaw! Lauding your legacy is a labor of love. You're damn right it is. You can't thank us enough.

Then go! I'll be just fine! - Do you know how to cook dinner? - Do I?

What about that bullet hole in your hair? Squibs. Yeah, we hornswoggled you good.

Ma'am, would you be interested in changing your long distance service, if-- What th-- She hung up on me. What did I do?

It's great of you to come over, Lisa. I really want us to be friends. You're a wonderful person. Hi, Lisa. I'm Alison's father, Professor Taylor. I've heard great things about you. Oh, really? I-- Oh, don't be modest. I'm glad we have someone who can join us in our anagram games. We take proper names and rearrange the letters... to form a description of that person.

who makes Steve guttenberg A Star we do, we do who robs cave fish of their sight who rigs every Oscar night we do

This is what a cornfield looks like, honey.

What kind of stew do you have today? Uh, we don't have stew. Sir, why don't you just have the cheeseburger? That's really more of a weekend thing, Ray. Hey, jerk! Move your fanny! That guy's louder than World War II. Ray, go see what the rhubarb is, will you?

The screen was too small. The floor was sticky. The romantic subplot felt tacked on. In short, we demand a refund ! Sorry. It's against our policy. I'll policy you, you-- Hey, don't have a heart attack, old dude. Don't you tell me what to do, you young... whipper...

If you kids can't keep your hands to yourself, I'm gonna turn this car around, and there'll be no Cape Canaveral for anybody! That's it! Back to Winnipeg!

If you should die before you wake--

You've inherited a finger condition known as stubbiness. It usually comes from the father's side. D'Oh! Stupid fingers. You're wrong! You're wrong! You don't need long fingers to play the blues. The blues come from in here. My God, they are stubby.

During the war, Itchy and Scratchy put their differences aside... and teamed up to fight a bigger foe.

And this is the snack holder where I can put my beverage or, if you will, cupcake. Wow, Dad. You really know your monorails. Homer, there's a family of possums in here. I call the big one Bitey.

Well, with triple word score, that's 90. I guess my luck is starting to even out. I'm just a "Q" without a "U". Mmm.

A second-grade sorceress so powerful, she made tonight's refreshments out of dead people. Ew! Tonight, she'll perform the classic levitating dragon trick. We'll see about that.

in the fourth race.

But there's no boogie woogies or wooly bullies out there. Oh. Your nightlight's burned out. And the only bulbs we have left are these red ones.

Or the way Dad used to call the radio station with fake traffic tips? They're ten feet away, and we can't even talk to them. I wish I could tell them how much I miss them.

Uh-huh. Uh, no, I don't like that. Or that. No. It's not that I'm afraid. I'm gonna hang up now. Bye-bye. Oh, I give up.

No way, josÉ. Yes way. Don't worry, Bart. It seems like every week something odd happens to the Simpsons. My advice is to ride it out, make an occasional smart-aleck quip, and by next week, we'll be back to where we started from, ready for another wacky adventure. - ¡Ay, caramba! - That's the spirit.

Oh, Mr. Simpson, did you bring an umbrella today ? - Doh ! No. - Here.

just hook it to my veins! Good-bye, Mr. Sherman. If I ever play Carnegie Hall, I'll give you a call. And if you ever want to visit my show-- Nah. We're not gonna be doing that. Well, jay, I hope you tell your New York friends... that people in small towns aren't quite as dumb as they think.

Oh, we're done for. We're done for. We're done-didilly done for! We're done-didilly-dodilly done-didilly-dodilly done-didilly-dodilly done-- Flanders! Snap out of it! Thank you, Homer. I don't know what got-- Dad! I think he's oka-- It's better...

Uh, upstate New York. Really. Well, I'm from Utica, and I've never heard anyone use the phrase "steamed hams."

Okay, let's see if we've learned anything. I want you two to simulate a typical household problem. Go. Uh, Pa, I cut myself on the screen door again. Why, you cotton-pickin'-- Hey!

No, I came to talk to you about your... potty mouth. What the hell are you talking about? All of us pull a few boners now and then-- Go off half-cocked, make asses of ourselves. I don't want to be hard on you but I wish you wouldn't curse in front of my boys.

(GASPS) My scrimpings! (GRUNTS) You banged? Did you spend our savings on a motor home? No. I spent our savings on the down payment for a motor home.

Behold the horrors of the slanty shanty. See the twisted creatures that dwell within. Meet Cue Ball, the man with no hair! Huh? He's hideous! We have to do something.

Who ordered a Mount Bellyache? I ordered it for my little girl. I'm done. Oh! That cost $88! I don't feel much like eating.

Now, to take the ferry cost a nickel.

Oh, Gregory... where have you been all my life? Feeling tense?

Or at least warn people that it's so unhealthy. Mmm. That'll boost sales. While we're at it, why don't I just change my name back to Hitler? Don't you have any sense of corporate responsibility? Rrrr?

Mmm, engine-block eggs. If we can keep these down, we'll be sitting pretty.

Look, Daddy. I'm the king of the mountain! Rod, get off of there!

Behind these doors are the finest cops ever to wriggle into size 46 pants. Wiggum? Am I getting warmer? Clancy, you're a disgrace! And in my blind rage,

Look at all that pink and purple. Our money sure is gay. You are free to go.

Why, you could wake up dead tomorrow.

They love, they share They share and love and share Love, love, love Share, share, share The Itchy & Scratchy Show

I could buy a brand-new Studebaker with a fan on the dashboard. I could buy my way into high-- society. Well, I don't feel right about it,

Careful there, Annie Oakley. I don't have to be careful. I got a gun. Well, you'll probably want the accessory kit. Holster. Oh, yeah. Bandolier. Baby. - Silencer. - Mm-hmm. Loudener. Oh! - Speed-Cocker. - Ooh! I like the sound of that. And this is for shooting down police helicopters.

Hmm. I'm afraid classes may be canceled today. Look! We won't miss a minute of school thanks to your father.

Okay, Sherman, you're a movie expert. So tell us, who's gay? Oh, I don't know. Harvey Fierstein. - No! - Who else? Uh-- Uh-- Oh. MacGyver's gay. Oh!

Dad, do you notice anything strange? Yeah, his hairdo looks so queer. - I heard that! - It was the boy!

And thanks to my prudent editing, tonight's special Halloween show... has been rated TV "G." This means there will be no raunchy NBC-style sex... or senseless CBS-style violence. So sit back and enjoy a night of worry-free-- What the fudge--

Hey, why don't you be polite, you stinkin' pus bag! Pal, you gotta call that number on the boot. Sorry about that guy. They stick all the jerks in Tower One. That's it! I'm comin' over there! Why don't you come over here! - I got something for you! - Shut up, the both of youse! Thank you for calling the Parking Violations Bureau.

I won't need my high school diploma anymore! I am so smart I am so smart I am so smart I am so smart S-M-R-T I mean, S-M-A-R-R-T

Wow! Have you ever seen so many robot cowboys? Hey, robot, get your fat metal ass down here! First of all, I'm not a robot.

Webster's Dictionary defines excellence as "the quality or condition of being excellent."

from heaven right now-- Change the channel, Marge.

Plug it in! Plug it in! What, the rock tumbler or the TV? The TV! The TV! Show Wow! They'll never let us show that again, not in a million years!

Oh, I heard it at the mustache parade they have every year. We don't want any more bears! Sir, there's an unruly mob to see you. Does it have an appointment? Uh, yes, it does. I phoned ahead! Mr. Mayor, I hate to break it to you, but your city is infested with bears! Yeah. And these ones are smarter than the average bear.

Huh? Donuts. Is there anything they can't do? - Dad, you're a hero. - Yes, son. I'm the best mono-thingy guy there ever was.

Dad, what's a "Muppet?" Well, it's not quite a mop and it's not quite a puppet, but, man-- So, to answer your question, I don't know. Parry. Why'd they make that one Muppet out of leather? That's not a leather Muppet. That's Troy McClure.

Okay. We have our choice of Rectangle Land, Cube Country or Squaresville. Squaresville sounds pretty cool.

Don't tell him you were at a bar. But what else is open at night? It's a pornography store. I was buying pornography. Heh-heh-heh. I would've never thought of that.

Hey, Bart, let's do some homework.

God, I wish I had that little outfit.

Oh, no! John Wilkes Booth! Hasta la vista, Abie. Come on, boy! Finish him off! You're next, Chester A. Arthur! Unhand me, Yankee.

Sorry. No Homers. Loyal Stonecutters, let us begin our reenactment of the Battle of Gettysburg. Homer, you can't just keep hanging out with these colobus monkeys. Somebody's gonna get parasites.

hail to the bus driver, bus driver man he drinks and he cusses he stinks up the buses hail to the bus driver, bus driver man. Oh, there's an opening. Oh, too late.

Psst! The best meat's in the rump. Here you go. What the hell is this? Nice, healthy oatmeal. Ooh, oatmeal. What a delightful treat. Oh, there's a bug in it. No, there isn't. Trust me.

Y-E-S spells "You got it, buster!" And I'm here to tell you the feelings you're having are common for every (SNIFFS) brother of the badge.

Ah. I love these lazy Saturdays.

We've never lost a year before, and I'll be damned if we're gonna lose one on my shift. Seven, six, five, four, three, two, one!

You'll work off that cake in the acid mines!

I never heard the plight of my people phrased so eloquently. Was that Rabbi Hillel? Nope. Judah the Pious? Maimonides? The Dead Sea Scrolls! I'm afraid not, Rabbi. it's from Yes, I Can, by Sammy Davis, jr. An entertainer, like your son. The candy man?

Marge put together a nightclub act. I shot the sheriff But I did not shoot the deputy She didn't do it She didn't do it So the next time you see a sheriff, shoot him. A smile.

Let's try one more number. Hello. KBBL is gonna give me something stupid! Well, hot dog, we have a "Wiener." Hello? I won! I won!

Hey, a new weather station! I'll bash it good. Oh, it's just no fun without Marge.

I'm a stupid moron with an ugly face and a big butt... and my butt smells and I like to kiss my own butt.

Coochy coochy coo! Stop. Please stop. Oh, you swing like a girl. Come on, now. Please have mercy. Got your nose. Not funny. How 'bout this little bee? No! Oh! Remember your hippopotamus oath. Can't you do something for him?

- Okay. Thanks. - Wait. Did you know that there's a direct correlation... between the decline of Spirograph and the rise in gang activity? - Think about it. - I will. No, you won't.

Ah, not a bear in sight. The Bear Patrol must be working like a charm.

Hey, Bart, want a dollar? Ah, ah, ah. You know what I wanna hear. i'm A little teapot short and stout this is my handle this is my Spout the itsy-bitsy spider went up the waterspout Oh, yeah. Love that spout medley.

(LAUGHING) Milhouse, you went Cap City on him. Springfield baby in a diaper, poked his eye with a windshield wiper. Springfield baby! Springfield baby! I'll always love you, Bart. Springfield baby! Springfield baby!

Don't be a baby, lady just be a lady, baby All I ask is one thing, baby Hello ! Why is there make-out music on ? - It helps me study. - Well, not me.

Hmm. Maybe if I use my least-nagging tone of voice-- Homer. Mmm. Homer! Homer? That's it. That's the one. All right. Send him on in.

No. No, Monty, I won't. Not until you step back from the brink of insanity. I'll do no such thing! You're fired! Take that, Bowlarama. Take that, convenience mart.

"Dear Woodrow, it's time for us to meet. "Why don't we go out to dinner? After, we'll go to my apartment for some home cookin'." Huh? Ay, caramba! "Hungrily yours, Edna." Well, she's dangled on the line long enough. It's time to boat this bass.

You might've hurt someone! Are you some kind of moron?

you'll see I have a crippling arthritis in me index fingers. Look at 'em! Oh, I got it from Space Invaders in 1977. Oh, yeah, that was a pretty addictive video game. Video game?

Doh ! I... can't... breathe ! Too many... chil... dren. Eyewitnesses estimate the man's weight... at somewhere between 400 and 500 pounds. On the lighter side of the news, and I use the term loosely--

What is it, Flanders? I'm afraid I have a bone to pick with you. If it's about your camcorder, I lost it, okay? No, I came to talk to you about your... potty mouth. What the hell are you talking about? All of us pull a few boners now and then-- Go off half-cocked, make asses of ourselves.

I thought we were having steamed clams. D'oh, no. I said steamed hams. That's what I call hamburgers. You call hamburgers steamed hams? Yes. It's a regional dialect. Uh-huh. Uh, what region? Uh, upstate New York.

where Timmy O'Toole has apparently taken a turn for the worse.

There's one person I'd like to thank for this. We've had our ups and downs, but I can't imagine life without him. Bart Simpson. Way to go, Bart!

I don't wanna oversell it. judge for yourself.

You're the most paranoid family I've ever been affiliated with. I'd like a yellow boat, please, with extra motors. Yo, no cuts, bro. Where's my motorboat, pig? Uh, right through that door. Whoa! Yo!

(TUBA PLAYING) ...to the marriage of Pac-Man and Ms. Pac-Man in Super Bowl XVI. I now pronounce you Pac-Man and wife.

And may God have mercy on us all.

Fourteen. Fifteen. Sixteen! Whoo-hoo! Oh, I don't feel so good. Ah, I think that's all of them.

Why, here's Fox News. We are the champions My friend The cause of all this commotion is mayor and suspected illegal immigrant Joe Quimby,

Why did Mr. Smith kill everybody?

You too, Gracie music dude! Guh!

Oh, I blame myself for this.

You go, Homer. Whoosh! Ow! Jetson!

Not now, Martin. - Who wants rations? - Me! Me! Mmm! I'm so hungry I could puke. Where'd all the food go?

Don't worry. Our donors have to pass a rigorous screening process.

Well, I guess you were right, honey. But you have to admit, when that angel started to talk, you were squeezing my hand pretty hard. Well, it was just so loud, and-- thanks for squeezing back.

Look at those funny little whiskers. Ooh ! That reminds me. It's Big Gorilla Week on Million Dollar Movie. Come on, boy. Uh, no, Dad. I should really-- Ah ! Ooh ! Gorilla the Conqueror. The granddaddy of them all.

Marge, I got sprayed by this skunk. Oh, look. It's doing it again.

Bart, I forbid you to jump over that gorge. You can't. I can and do ! Go to your room, Bart !

"But the third bowl of porridge was just right."

Please, don't hurt me. Don't be afraid.

Three seconds, folks. A new record. Hey, no. I'm not down. I'm-- Get up, you ! Get off the mat. Okay. Here we go. Yo, chump, you back again ? Get outta the way ! How come he's not ducking ? Wait a minute. I can't get my-- Get out of the way, stupid ! Homer ? Not now, Marge !

I gotta live in an apartment like an idiot. I gotta wait in line with nobodies... to buy groceries from a failure! It doesn't matter how you live or what you did wrong. As long as you're on TV, people will respect you. Respect? Pah! What good is respect without the moola to back it up?

You su-diddly-uck, Flanders! Give me that.

It looks like the beginning of the end for the venerable Itchy and Scratchy program. For years, TV critics such as yours truly, Kent Brockman, have waited impatiently for cracks to appear in the show's hilarious facade. Yesterday our prayers were finally answered... when Poochie the Dog made his howlingly unfunny debut.

Two to two. Well, Homer, it all comes down to you. Football in the Groin! Football in the Groin! Well, we're not gonna resolve this deadlock anytime soon.

I felt so left out. Kids can be so cruel. We can? Thanks, Mom!

Mm-hmm. Very well. One last question. Have you ever seen the sun set at 3:00 p.m.?

Slag off. You've changed, man. It used to be about the music. I said slag off! Cool!

Doh ! Mr. Simpson, was that you taking that cowardly dive... into that display of heavily-salted snack treats ?

Ah, sounds like you're having a rough Christmas, Homer. You know what I blame this on the breakdown of? - Society. - Yeah. You're right, Moe. You're always Moe. Homer, look. Your house is on TV.

I'll take him. Do you have him in blond?

Great Caesar's Ghost! A talking Krusty doll!

You seem like a nice guy. Why are you here? I wore a pink shirt. I understand. People thought I dressed crazy. What did you wear? One white glove covered with rhinestones. ...And scratchy show!

Me! Try the papayas. They're juicy and full of papain. Makes you strong like Popeye. Popeye, papain. Popeye, papain. See? Same thing. Same--

I work For monty burns muh-muh-muh-muh-muh-muh-muh Monty burns Mr. Smithers, may we offer you a ride to work?

Well, I'm done for. At least I'll leave a beautiful corpse. Whoa!

Ow! Careful, not the face.

You see the circular pattern on those fields? - That's from central-pivot irrigation. - Wow. Now let's see what's happening at the Super Bowl. Homer! Homer! Homer! Homer! Oops. Sorry. Homer! Homer! Homer!

I'm sorry. Isn't that-- Yeah, that's me, all right. And the guy standing next to me is President Gerald Ford. And this is when I was on tour with the Smashing Pumpkins. Oh! And here's a picture of me in outer space. You... went into outer space? You? Sure. You've never been? Would you like to see my Grammy award?

Oh, there's Mother now-- watching me. What's that, Mother? They have a right to be here. It's school business. I-- Mother, that sailor suit doesn't fit anymore! I think we should go. Uh-huh.

Yoo-hoo, Mr. Robot.

We're proud of you, boy. Thanks, Dad. But part of this D-minus belongs to God.

Oh, no! There goes the glue after all. Noooo! Fun, huh?

Here, let me see those knees. Moe, I think you should leave. But, Blanche, you gotta help me out here. Please! I'm 64 grand in the hole! They're gonna take my thumbs!

You don't win friends with salad You don't win friends with salad You don't win friends with salad You don't win friends with salad You don't win friends with salad You don't win friends with salad - You don't win friends with salad Mom! I didn't mean to take sides. I just got caught up in the rhythm.

Daddy, all the fumes are making me dizzy. Well, now, Rodney, the Lord wouldn't let us die this way. That's right, Ned. Now, you three take a little nap while I make some hot chocolate. BOTH: Yay!

But what kind? Uh, "Meltdown Alert"? "Mad Dog Drill"? "Blimp Attack"? Ah! I think a good old-fashioned fire drill today!

Hiya, Flanders. Ooh, dinner. May I join you? Mmm.

Let's play the tape. Hey, Milhouse, cool jacket. It cost me 50,000 Bazooka joe comics. Meet me here after the show. Thanks, Dad. You won't be bored?

Yes, he is. Yes, he is! Where's Maggie? Where's Maggie? Hey, where is she? There you are.

That's the meat of it. Hmm. Now, Witness X would you please tell the court what you saw? I'd be more than happy to. I saw Mr. Montone there seal Mr. Palaccio in an oil drum and roll him off the pier. I kill you! Ay, caramba!

Tonight, we'll visit Springfield's answer to the Benedictine monks-- The Rappin' Rabbis. Don't eat pork not even with a fork Can't touch this! Marge, are we jewish? No, Homer. Whoo-hoo! Mmm!

I even took some pills I found on the floor, and still nothing. You took pills you found on the floor? Uh-huh. Now I'm afraid that if I stop talking, I'll die.

Oh, my! Okay, the retest says you're clean. Sorry about the mistake. The only thing I'm high on is love-- love for my son and daughters. Yes, a little L.S.D. is all I need. All right. Sounds very good.

Hello ? Is Homer there ? Homer who ? Homer... Sexual. Wait one second. Let me check. Uh, Homer Sexual ? Uh, come on. Come on. One of you guys has gotta be Homer Sexual.

Two plus two is four. Two plus two is four. Two plus two is four. I can see why this is so popular. Look at him. - Two plus two is four. - Two-- Give me my bear, Simpson!

Okay, Eugene. One last taste of bachelor freedoM. Presenting Princess Kashmir, queen of the mysterious East.

Oh! Patience, Monty. Climb the ladder. Is he the leader? Of this chapter. There are chapters all over the world. And it has been foretold that someday a Chosen One will-- Okay, okay. I didn't ask for your life story.

And now, a word from our new sponsor. Percodan? Aw, crap!

Orville and Hurley, Gappy Mae, Hip Diddler, Rudy, the Ya Hoo Recovering Alcoholic jug Band, and tonight, in her syndicated TV debut-- Lurleen! Oh, the bases were empty Excuse me, are you Colonel Homer Simpson?

you make me feel like A natural woman Oh, Baby what you've done to me What you've done to me

Cleans and straightens your teeth-- Seen it. Seen it. Seen it. I was poor like you-- Ugh, soccer. Seen it. Hey, Simpson ! Hey, how'd you get in here ? Eh, your door wasn't locked in any serious way. I wonder if you'd be interested in this car stereo ? A $500 value, but I'll let you have it for 40 bucks.

When I grow up, I wanna be a principal or a caterpillar. I love you, Principal Skinner.

and we're really glad you're home. I love you guys. Right back at ya, Son. And now I want you to meet your new brother, Hans Moleman.

And what was Ringo's response ? I never got any. And I never painted again. Maybe you could take a class at Springfield Community College. I think it's a very nice idea. Don't you, Homer ? Do I have to do anything ?

I am talking to the collection-money thief! Only you can come forward and end this injustice! Oh, what the heck. It was jessica Lovejoy!

Bart, you're cheating!

"Guess who likes you."

It says here the swords were sold to C. Ebenezer Burns. Burns? The evil industrialist who makes coal out of babies? (GASPS) I know just where to find him!

I got the idea when I noticed the refrigerator was cold. Won't this overload the motor? Marge, can you set the oven to cold?

I hate this new area code. Like I don't have enough to remember already. Is that right?

What if I told you you could lose weight without dieting or lifting a finger? I'd say you're a lying scumbag. Why, sweetie?

Now Ralph is in the play with me.

Sure, boy. What's on your mind ? Well, I was wondering. How important is it to be popular ? I'm glad you asked, son. Being popular is the most important thing in the world. So, like, sometimes you could do stuff you think is pretty bad... so other kids will like you better ? You're not talking about killing anyone, are you ? No.

and let it appreciate in value. It's probably a million years old, Dad. I think it's as valuable as it's gonna get. That's what they said about this Billy Beer, smarty-pants. We elected the wrong Carter.

I... don't get it. Sacre bleu! We will show those stupid Americans... who looks like "ze" frog, eh? Ready, aim--

Relax! I'm fine. But when I do die, I don't want any autopsies. Well, come on down, you goofy roofy. Wow. It sure is slippery up here. My pies are done. Oh, she missed it.

Show Wow! They'll never let us show that again, not in a million years!

Sorry, Bart. I'm gonna have to sell him. Well, sir, I'll be honest with ya. I need a large African elephant, and I need it today. But I'm afraid this just isn't what I'm looking for. What do you mean? It's an elephant, isn't it?

Yes! But we've got to do it from different angles. Again and again! And again and again and again!

Ling? Ling? Ling? Ling? (GURGLING) Ling! (GIGGLING)

Wow! Look at all the colors, man! Red, green, yellow, orange! I remember all of these! I'm freaking out! Hey, something's comin' back to me!

- That's Homer Simpson. - Hey, that's Homer Simpson! Your catchphrase is hysterical. Please say it clearly for my answering machine tape. Uh-oh, SpaghettiOs. Worst... reading... ever. How 'bout an autograph? Picture, mister? Come on, people! Enough is enough!

I got it from my father, and he got it from his father. And he traded a mule for it. And that mule went on to save spring break. But this will be so confusing. The mailman won't know what to do. Did you think of the mailman at all before you did this? Yes. Briefly.

Oh, I have had it! I have had it with this school, Skinner! The low test scores, class after class of ugly, ugly children! Oh, now I really think the children's appearance--

Hi, I'm Troy McClure. You may remember me from such educational films as Two Minus Three Equals Negative Fun! And Firecrackers: The Silent Killer. Mr. McClure?

You're so lucky. When are you going to meet him? First, I ask him to send a photo. If he's got everything where it should be I'm reeling him in. Strap on your skates, Gordie. You're going in.

I'm gonna write the best darn article-- Oh, wait. Hah! Take that, Uncle Sam!

I can't get the smell of slurry out of my clothes.

- Look! It's Lisa Lionheart! - Keep running. We're almost there.

Oh, my God. I won. I won!

Uh, excuse me, Professor Brainiac, but I worked in a nuclear power plant for 10 years, and, uh, I think I know how a proton accelerator works.

Oh, my God! Krusty's shoes! Okay, folks, show's over. Nothing to see here. Show's-- Oh, my God! A horrible plane crash! Hey, everybody, get a load of this flaming wreckage. Come on, crowd around. Crowd around. Don't be shy. Crowd around.

I'd like to thank you on behalf of the group, and I hope we passed the audition.

Well, before I go, I've got some personal items for you. You belong to the Radio Shack Battery Club. Oh, 10 Canadian dollars. That's a souvenir from your trip to Upstate New York.

I think you need Skinner, Bart. Everybody needs a nemesis. Sherlock Holmes had his Dr. Moriarty. Mountain Dew has its Mello Yello. Even Maggie has that baby with the one eyebrow.

Public school can be intimidating to a young child, particularly one with as many flamboyantly homosexual tendencies as your son. Bart's gay? Bart? Uh-- Whoo! Wrong file.

Bart, you can come down to dinner as soon as you're ready to apologize to your sister. And it's going to be a real apology in front of everybody, and you have to mean it.

Then for a long time, nothing happened. Until tonight. Behold the future of comedy. Poochie!

Well, I was wrong. The lizards are a godsend. But isn't that a bit shortsighted? - What happens when we're overrun by lizards? - No problem. We simply unleash wave after wave of Chinese needle snakes. They'll wipe out the lizards. But aren't the snakes even worse? Yes, but we're prepared for that.

Simba, on the ball. Aaah! Not the face! Ah, they'll be chewing on him for a while. ¡Ay, Ay, Ay! ¡La policÍA!

Hey, Lise! Check out this space-age toothbrush. That's an electric nostril groomer.

Checks out. Okay, sir, you're free to go. Good, 'cause I got a hot date tonight. A date. Dinner with friends. Dinner alone. Watching TV alone. All right! I'm gonna sit at home and ogle the ladies... in the Victoria Secret Catalog. Sears Catalog.

Ooh! Spike Lee, and the always lovely and vivacious head of Kitty Carlisle. Hi, everybody! Let's start the game! Aah!

I'll pass. Beer is the nectar of the nitwit. Hey, you knockin' beer? Nobody bad-mouths Duff! Ah, a piece a crap. Come on. You're here to make friends. Oh, please. If I wanted to hear mindless droning, I'd befriend an air conditioner. Oh, now he's ragging on air conditioners.

Gabbo! Gabbo! Gabbo! - Did you see that? - Yeah. - What's Gabbo? - I figure it's some guy's name. Some guy named Gabbo.

Whoa! Put her back in! She's not done yet. Smithers, there's something a bit odd about young Larry. I can't quite put my finger on it. Well, he is a bit rough around the edges, sir. One might blame his truly heroic intake of cocktails.

If Milhouse jumped off a cliff-- Milhouse jumped off a cliff? I'm there.

Oh, and one more thing. I've stolen a nuclear weapon. If you do not rid this city of television within two hours, I will detonate it. Farewell. By the way, I'm aware of the irony of appearing on TV in order to decry it. So don't bother pointing that out.

Oh, Dean. This is what your new hip is going to look like. You're gonna have to go easy on it.

Today's selections are:

She has limited capacities. All she can do is dial and yell.

Oh, my beloved pornography. I can't watch this anymore. I'm going to bed. How much for Krusty's bed? Half a buck. Sold! Good night, everybody. Good night, Moe.

D'oh! Poor guy.

Lisa Simpson is no longer Little Miss Springfield. She was stripped of her crown in a ceremony earlier today. Well, that's obviously the wrong footage. Uh, but it does seem the father of the deposed beauty queen, Homer Simpson, filled out the pageant application incorrectly.

Look at that fat oaf.

Even bonnets? Especially bonnets.

I am waiting for a-- Whoa! Ooh! Aah! I didn't do it.

Jonathan Livingston Seagull! We're on a collision course! Hard to starboard! Uh, port? Aye. Port.

I'd do anything for keg-meister julius. So I cooked up a phony awards show. Not again. Time saver, my ass.

Okay, that was mine. So say a bittersweet farewell to such old friends as mud pies, Bite 'Ems, Éclairios, Chew 'ems, Kellogg's All-Fudge, Big Red Snack Foam, Milk Chuds, Eat 'Ems. And all sugar pills will be changed back to highly concentrated opiates. I want candy

Everybody hates that stupid jerk Springfield rocks with Homer's joyous loathing Filling clubs With angry Valentinos You don't have to move your feet Just hate Flanders to the disco beat He's your perky, peppy

Whoa! Whoo! Hello, sweet cheeks!

just ask this scientician. Uh-- He'll tell you that in nature one creature invariably eats another to survive. Don't kid yourself, jimmy.

What? How dare you disturb me during nap time? We're from the Nuclear Regulatory Commission. This is a surprise test of worker competence. There must be some mistake. We, uh-- We make cookies here. Mr. Burns's Old-Fashioned Good-Time Extra-Chewy-- Get the ax.

All right! Everybody in the pool! - 'Tis a fine barn, but sure 'tis no pool, English. - D'oh-ith! Is it a pool yet? Yes, Dad.

Look at me. I've never been so angry. My hands are shaking. Better than your eyes bursting. Do it again. Make the walls bleed. What ? - No. - Hey, man, we own you. Let's see some blood. - I don't have to entertain you. - Come on, man. Do it. Do the blood thing. Come on. Do it.

Oh, no. The spit valve! Release the spit valve! Over the sink! Over the sink!

I know I really shouldn't, but when am I gonna be here again? Whee!

I am Death. Death? We don't want any. I have come for Bart Simpson. Bart, run like the (MISPRONOUNCING) wind!

The fingers you have used to dial are too fat. To obtain a special dialing wand, please mash the keypad with your palm now. I'm gonna have to shut it down myself!

Wrong for me? How? Oh, I get it. My sisters have come down with a case of the green-eyed gazungas. I guess I shouldn't be surprised. You're stuck in a menial job you'll be doing 10 years after you die. And you're tied down to a man who'd have to bathe to be a slob.

with Springfield's favorite hard-luck family, the Simpsons. Folks, any words for the Christmas thief, if he's watching? Eh, yes, Kent. Uh, hello, jerk. We may never find you and we should probably all stop looking. But one thing's for sure, you do exist.

All my life, I've avoided doing things for myself. But I'm actually enjoying this. Plus I'm making incredible time. Beep-beep! Out of my way! I'm a motorist. Uh, that's some nice reckless drivin', Mr. B.

What's the matter, sir ? Never have I seen you look so unhappy while purchasing such a large quantity of ice cream. The reason I look unhappy is that tonight... I have to see a slide show starring my wife's sisters. Or as I call 'em, the Gruesome Twosome. Ow, my foot, you lousy, stupid, clumsy--

We're doomed. Doomed, I tells ya! Bart! Let your father tell the story. Yeah.

Five thousand dollars? You only have 10 seconds to decide, sir. This is the best computer in the world and always will be, right? Absolutely. Just run the deed to your house through here. You are on your-- Fifth. mortgage.

(SIREN BLARING) Guess what? I quit my job as a used car salesman. You work at the Nuclear Plant. Get with the program, Marge. Your husband is now an ambulance driver. Don't you need training for that? Maybe on Planet ZooZoo. Hey, I think it's cool. I can defibrillate Lisa!

Shut up and conduct!

Oh, yuck. That sandwich is full of meat! There's bacon. Canadian bacon. Mexican bacon! And a mouthwatering veal chop.

Hey, you, let's fight. Them's fightin' words.

I know. If I get really scared, I don't want to ruin the suit. Now look here, mister. I forbid you to fight a bear. What kind of an example would I be if I didn't take revenge on things? Dad, you can't take revenge on an animal. That's the whole point of Moby Dick. Lisa, the point of Moby Dick is be yourself.

Very well, then. I'm a captain. Mr. Moe, steady as she goes. Aye, aye, ya big dummy. What a dummy.

Seriously now, if you have any questions, just ask our team leader, Homer Simpson. Or me. Better ask me.

This is even more painful than it looks.

Who are you, and why are you holding me here? I want answers now or I want them eventually! Fair enough. I'll level with you. Ow. Please, don't do that. Sorry. I'll be blunt. Your Web page has stumbled upon our secret plan. That's impossible. All my stories are bull plop. Bull plop!

Homer, look at this mob. The good toys are probably all gone. Oh, Santa's got a little trick up his sleeve.

Sugar is pouring into the water. Yah!

Hmm. I dreamed about her again last night, Smithers. You know that dream where you're in bed, and they fly in through the window? Ahh. As you can see, the real deal with Waylon Smithers... is that he's Mr. Burns's assistant.

Judge Snyder, motion to declare a writ of boys will be boys. Motion granted. Case dismissed!

Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home wine-making course and I forgot how to drive?

Hey, Colonel Homer. And you must be-- Mrs. Homer Simpson. Charmed. I thought you said she was overweight. It takes two to lie-- one to lie and one to listen. What does that mean? I don't have time to answer that. Time is money. Come on, people.

here is the theme song from the hit motion picture, The Bodyguard. ANd i-eee-i-eee-i Will always love you-oo Whee-ha!

I bet people laughed at you when you told 'em that dream.

Sorry about that. But the truth is, your baby, Maggie Simpson, is dead! Dead tired of baby-proofers who don't provide a free estimate.

Welcome to Japan, folks. The local time is... tomorrow.

Aw, it's a weird world, Homer. As hard as it is to believe, some people don't care for me neither. No, I won't accept that. No, it's true. I got their names written down right here... in what I call my, uh, enemies list. "jane Fonda, Daniel Schorr, jack Anderson"-- Hey! This is Richard Nixon's enemies list.

A turkey! Dad's gonna slaughter that poor turkey! Not if I scare it away with this cougar call. You did it, Moe! A cougar! Die, cougar! Ow! My leg!

"Shao-dair"? "Shao-dair"? It's "chowdah." Say it right! "Shah-der."

Hmm. Dislocated shoulder, bump on the noggin. My diagnosis? Bad babysitting!

I'm a nerd! So am I!

I wish they had never invented fried cheese. We got to widen the hole. Hurry-- The chain's starting to give.

Oh, loneliness and cheeseburgers are a dangerous mix.

When I grow up, I wanna be a principal or a caterpillar. I love you, Principal Skinner.

Hey, hey, hey! Cut that out!

Under attack by Commie Nazis. They won't stop me from delivering these UNICEF pennies.

Here's my address book. Go get those stars!

Your earlobe's bleeding. Oh. So, I guess major muffins like yourselves all have dates, huh? You'd better believe it. Really? All of you? Uh, we all have dates, Lisa. Everyone does. Even me.

Get that away from me. Kids, I don't want you drinking any more milk... ever. Can I still drink it? Go nuts. All right!

and pulled apart by snowmobiles until he died. ALL: Eat my shorts! ALL: Cowabunga! (ALL SHOUTING) (EXPLOSION) (IRISH MUSIC PLAYING)

Children, the times they are a-becoming quite different.

Ohh! Will this horrible year never end? We've never lost a year before, and I'll be damned if we're gonna lose one on my shift. Seven, six, five, four, three, two, one!

What were you thinking?

My name is... ...Woodrow. I like holding hands and dinner by candlelight and oh, yes, I really hate yo-yos. Oh, Woodrow!

Calm down, Picky Ricardo. He made us a great breakfast, and you’re just riding his butt, and not in a good way.

Don't kid yourself, jimmy. If a cow ever got the chance, he'd eat you and everyone you care about. Wow, Mr. McClure! I was a Grade A moron to ever question eating meat. Yes, you were, jimmy. Yes, you were.

Teamwork is overrated. Huh? Think about it. I mean, what team was Babe Ruth on? Who knows? Yankees. Sharing is a bunch of bull too. And helping others. And what's all this crap I've been hearing about tolerance? Hmm. Your ideas are intriguing to me, and I wish to subscribe to your newsletter.

Aw, Dad, you've done a lot of great things, but you're a very old man now, and old people are useless. Aren't they? Aren't they? Huh? Yes, they are! Yes, they are! Stop it! It's a form of abuse!

Well, we did build this spaceship, you know. Anyone from a species... that has mastered intergalactic travel, raise your hand. All right, then.

My daughter Lisa-- I.Q. 156. Hi. See? And my son Bart. He owns a factory downtown. H-How do you do? Homer, I'm late for my night job at the foundry, so if you don't mind telling me-- Good heavens! Th-This is a palace!

Hey, robot, get your fat metal ass down here! First of all, I'm not a robot.

Hmm, this one's done in different handwriting. Oh, uh, I wrote that one... after Bart somehow put this tattoo on my butt. Ha-ha!

Now don't try anything funny this time, Bob. I'm gonna be on you like red beans on-- Hey, hey, hey, don't walk so fast. Hey, no fair. You got long legs. I got these little bitty hooves.

The serfs! (ALL SCREAMING) (CACKLING) Scary McBeasties, nibble and gnaw at their overstuffed buttocks! Milhouse, don't open your mouth! Whoa! (GAGGING) (ALL SCREAMING) (CLATTERING)

Designated Drivers: The Lifesaving Nerds... and Phony Tornado Alarms Reduce Readiness. I'm here today to give you the skinny on shoplifting, thereby completing my plea bargain... with the good people at Foot Locker of Beverly Hills. Shoplifting began here in ancient Phoenicia. Thieves would literally lift the corner of a shop...

Krusty wants out!

Avalanche. Send help.

(PLAYING PIANO)

Dear Lord, I'm really scared about this operation tomorrow. If something happens, please look after Marge... - and make sure my kids grow up right. - Shh! Sorry.

Gee, I thought I had a bigger package than that. That's really sweet, honey. (BART GROANS) Aw. Hey, let's turn that frown upside down. Oh, Dad! I feel like I'm gonna throw up! All right. What's wrong, Son? Comic Book Guy made me pay for these comics he said I smudged.

You... have a husband? Yes. I can picture him now-- rugged good looks, sweater knotted about his shoulders,

Ah, don't worry. I'm sure I'll remember it. Well, we didn't get any money, but Mr. Burns got what he wanted. Marge, I'm confused. Is this a happy ending or a sad ending? It's an ending. That's enough. And there you go.

This just in, a monster tornado is tearing through Dayton, Ohio! (GASPING) That's where Mom and Dad are! KENT: Looks like the twister is headed right for the Dayton Arms Hotel! ALL: Ahhh! They might not be dead. They could be in the basement.

Look here, boy. The secret is to take tiny bites, like so. Mmm! Mmm! Mmm! Stop it! Stop it!

Don't you ever, ever talk that way about television.

At least until you've heard the story of how we ended up... with the head of our beloved town founder. How long will this story take ? Uh, about 23 minutes and 5 seconds. - It's too long ! - 23:05 ? Well, all right. Go ahead. Okay. It all started Sunday morning.

like, oh, Marlon Brando in Apocalypse Now. Wish I hadn't bought a hundred of these. Get ready, everybody. He's about to do something stupid. Well, I'm sorry to disappoint you gentlemen,

"Moon Pie." What a time to be alive. Hey, who unplugged my freezer? Return to your state of living death at once, sir. Is that you, Apu? Whoa! Time has ravaged your once-youthful looks.

(IN COCKNEY ACCENT) Inspector, might I have a word with you? Absolutely. (GAGGING) Get back down there, you! (GRUNTING) You were saying? Well, it's like this. I'm a proper Cockney flower girl, I am. And I sees this real strange bloke. Uh-huh.

Well, time for my walk. Mm. Don't forget to die. Ding-dong.

No, I'm killing him first.

Astronomers from Tacoma to Vladivostok have just reported... an ionic disturbance in the vicinity of the Van Allen belt. Scientists are recommending that all necessary precautions be taken. Eggheads. What do they know?

Will you tell the court your whereabouts at the time of the carjacking? I was alone in me Unabomber-style shack. I had nothing to do with that carjacking. Carjacking? Who said anything about a carjacking? But didn't ya just say-- I'll ask the questions here, Carjacker Willie! Objection!

And three, our six-term mayor, the illiterate, tax-cheating, wife-swapping, pot-smoking spend-o-Crat, Diamond joe Quimby. Hey, I am no longer illiterate! Now, why are we doomed to this Quimby quagmire, you ask, O Reasonable Listener?

Okay. Now, before my boss comes, there's something important you should know. - In a minute, Homie. I have to get the door. - But, Marge! Oh, was it something I said?

Homer, we've gotta get Lisa!

does a triumphant turkey trot over the supine Swede. One's thoughts turn to Alexander of Macedon's victory... at Granicus and issus. U.S.A.! U.S.A.! U.S.A.!

Hey, pal, that's my head shot up there next to the pepper steak, and don't you forget it. You're all talk, Hamill. You never even finished jedi school.

8:58. First time I've ever been early for work--

That's right! This spells "dog." - MARGE: Lisa! - (SCREAMS) You are purposely teaching her the wrong word! Lisa, I'm surprised. Your sister just wants to learn and be like you!

And I want everyone in this plant to realize it. I would die a happy man if I could prove to you... that Homer Simpson has the intelligence of a six-year-old. So. How you doin'? Hmm? Oh, here we go.

For the love of God, cut to the commercial! Poor Krusty! A man who envies our family is a man who needs help. We've got to do something.

Who was that young hellcat? Homer Simpson. Simpson, eh? I'll remember that name.

D'oh! Uh, okay. Uh-- Let's see. Um, what if I did this? You're on your own.

A-- A coffin! Die, you chalk-faced goons!

HOMER: Hold it right there! (ALL GASP) You've hurt your last feeling! (LAUGHS) (ALL JEERING)

What are you talking about? Well? What have we here? Looks like your uncool dad... scored tickets to Hullabalooza! Bart, these look real. Check the authenticator spot. This is an authentic Hullabalooza ticket.

painkillers... and a vocal-cord scraping. Don't worry. You won't feel a thing... till I jam this down your throat. The whole ordeal leaves Mr. Burns twisted and disoriented.

ANNOUNCER: And now, our opening act, in their first live show since Tinky Winky was acquitted of manslaughter. Not guilty! The Teletubbies! (CHEERING) Custard!

If you wanna be my lover you got to get with my friends Making love's forever friendship never ends Yeah. The open road. If you wanna be my lover Ah, that little punk. I'll teach him some manners!

You're sneaking out to fight that bear. I want to go, too! No way! If something happens to me, you have to carry on the Simpson name. Screw that. When I grow up, I'm legally changing my name to Joe Kickass! That is so cool! All right, you can come.

Me flap dickey long time." Hey, Krusty, great set. Are you kidding? I stunk up the joint.

Mr. Simpson, give me your license. Burn their poop.

We've never spoken outside of work. I'm surprised he doesn't try to blame his problems on his Percodan addiction. It wasn't my fault. It was the Percodan. If you ask me, that stuff rots your brain. And now, a word from our new sponsor. Percodan? Aw, crap!

(BELL RINGING) PHONIC FROG: Where is my dinner? Maggie, you're such a quick learner. Why don't you learn how to fly? But I love you. (LAUGHING EVILLY)

Lousy, cheap country.

Bart! No! Hey! My milk. I traded my math book for that.

so I decided to go to Morganville, which is what they called Shelbyville in those days. So I tied an onion to my belt, which was the style at the time. Now, to take the ferry cost a nickel. And in those days, nickels had pictures of bumblebees on 'em.

just ask this scientician. Uh--

The governor says he hopes you're a twitcher. Oh, yes!

Aw, geez. We've been following him for hours. You know, with all the energy we're putting into this sabotage thing, we could've written sonnets for our wives... or learned to tango or lovingly restored one of those antique-- Oh! Whew! Well, at least I got a hunk of Moe's hair. Man, that smarts!

a state inspector found 1.74 parts per million of asbestos-- That's not enough ! We demand more asbestos ! More asbestos ! More asbestos ! More asbestos ! More asbestos ! More asbestos !

Bart Simpson! You've really done it this time.

I'm not crazy. It's the TV that's crazy! Aren't you, TV? The crisis? Charlie Bluhdorn's birthday. The solution? A snappy banner. Out comes the phone, in flies Bobby Towne... and six drafts later, I had myself a party. You see? Gibberish. All gibberish.

Who wants to put on a leotard and get screamed at? Well, hookers and Spider-Man.

Krusty, would you please turn your attention to Exhibit B. Uh-- Tell me what you see. Uh, uh-- Which one do you mean ? The one with the big "B" on it. Uh, uh, uh-- What's the matter ? Can't you read ? No, I can't ! I can't read or write ! I admit it ! I'm totally illiterate. Now are you happy ?

Topes win ! Topes win !

I think that guy's a spy. Of course he's a spy. You just saw him go through spy school. Oh, wait. I heard how this ends. Turns out the secret code was the same nursery rhyme he told his daughter.

Mmm! If you looked up "meanie-beanie-fo-feanie" in the dictionary, you'd see his picture.

I... am a coward!

He was so cruel. The things he said-- they're just not true. There, There. The wedding's off. Fiddle-dee-dee. Tomorrow's another day. Bart, stop that!

Wow, look at all these gadgets. If I were a nerd, I'd be in heaven. Good morning, ma'am. Good afternoon, sir. It passed noon while I was speaking, so that was technically accurate. He's crazy.

SeÑor MacGyver, you saved our village. Don't thank me. Thank the moon's gravitational pull.

What the hell are you..? Oh, my couch! The arms, the seat...

(SCREAMING) ROD: Stay out of our medicine cabinet!

He really needs a girlfriend. Oh, Marge, what if I wind up as some vegetable... watching TV on the couch?

Afternoon, folks. I got a new assignment for you. The judge is having a little soiree, and he needs some help. Ow! No listenin'. You hear me? Uh, no. You just don't learn, do you? Ow!

Nobody talks to me that way! I'm Homer Simpson, the most powerful food critic in town, who will never get his comeuppance! You hear me? No comeuppance! We'll be right back.

Hello, everybody! Sparkle, sparkle. Bart! An earring. How rebellious. In a conformist sort of way. What on earth possessed you to get an earring? Milhouse has one. If Milhouse jumped off a cliff-- Milhouse jumped off a cliff? I'm there. Get back here, boy. You're a disgrace to this family,

All right, all right, smart guy. Oh, for crying out loud, I dropped one. Oh! Now it's in my shoe! Ow! Ow! Ooh! Ow! Ooh! Ow! Ooh!

Here's one for the road, dude. Aah ! Put 'em up.

Who are you? Where you going? Oh, do your research, Shutton. Uh, Kent Brockman, Channel Six News. How does it feel to be accused of the attempted murder of your boss and mentor? Kent, I-- I feel about as low as Madonna... when she found out she missed Tailhook. I'm gonna say ouch for Madonna. Hey, that's my Madonna gag. That guy stole my gag.

Hmm. I did too. Better get the gun.

(SIGHS) What do you want, Homer? Just send me back to Earth and put off this whole Rapture hoop-dee-doo for another couple of years or so. But it's already started. To do what you're asking, I'd have to turn back time. Superman did it. Fine, Mr. Smarty-Pants. I will undo the Apocalypse.

Not yet. You have to hold it for three Mississippis. One Mississippi. Two Mississippi. Dude, you're touching my hand. Ew!

D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh!

No one doeS. Happy birthday Mr. Smithers Mmm. Lobo. Lobo. Bring back Sheriff Lobo! Lobo! Lobo!

Ow! Wankers. Shh!

That should do it.

No way. What do you want ? Can I have it for 35 ? No. No. Friggin' kids. I do not need this. - I've got a master's degree in folklore and mythology. - Excuse me.

How come it won't stop hurting? Oh, Lisa, it's normal to be sad when a friend dies, and Bleeding Gums was a good friend to you. But nobody is really gone as long as we remember them. Lisa, honey, if you really want to preserve his memory, I recommend getting a tattoo.

Hello? Hello! We're here for the field trip. Sorry. Sorry. Boy, it's getting harder and harder to make it here by 10:00. We'll start the tour in a second.

Dad, what is that? Well, if Bart can be El Barto- Oh, if only I had your courage, senor. Oh, thanks-

Judge-- Wha-- Hey-- Wha-- Who said that? That's right. It's me, Judge Harm, through the magic of fiber optics. Hey, how about that? Quiet, tubsy! You violated my order. But, Constance, it only happened because-- Hey, hey! If I want a cock-and-bull story, I'll read Hemingway.

Do that card-counting thing again. Come on. Do it again. Definitely have to leave the table. No! Please, please, please, please, please. Gotta watch Wapner. Leave the table. Yeah, leave the table. No!

Y'arr, everyone likes a gumball machine. So why not a gumbo machine? Y'arr... (SCREAMS) Does your school nurse treat burns?

The perfect crime. Marge, I have to be in court next Tuesday.

Drink up, Judah Ben-Hur. You truly are the king of kings.

Well, he just goes... Ohh! Oh, Woodrow, how could you stand me up? Mrs. K., you don't need him. There are plenty of good men around.

Marge, this is Andre. Hello. I think you two would make a lovely couple. My husband is still alive! Oh. Thank God. I hope he pulls through. Not me.

Oh, sure. Single me out. All right, smart guy. Where's the fire?

It's the job of tomorrow... today!

The ballet? Whoo-hoo!

It happened to Tiny Tim, it happened to Charlie Brown, it happened to the Smurfs, and it's gonna happen to us.

You've already used up your birthday and Christmas presents on that peach tree we got you. And you hardly ever play with that anymore. Yes, I do. Sure, I do. Look! La-la, here I am playing on my peach tree, Mom. Oh, all right, we'll go.

You're up to something aren't you? No! I'm just going out to commit certain deeds. Suckers.

Oh. Kids are running wild, Kent. And I blame Mr. and Mrs. Neverspank. Uh-oh. We'll-- We'll have to bleep their names.

Ah! Oh. Am I really that ugly?

(GROANS IN DISAPPOINTMENT)

There are over 14 parts of the lemon--

Excuse me. Paul Bunyan never fought Rodan. And his size seems to be really inconsistent. I mean, one minute, he's 10 feet tall. The next, his feet are as big as a lake. Hey, hey, hey! Who's the hobo here? I'm just sayin'.

I wonder why stories of degradation and humiliation make you more popular. I don't know. They just do.

It's beautiful. - Are you okay? - Yeah. I'm fine. Noooooooooo!

Black marbleized with a liquid center. "The Stealth Bowler: The pins don't know what hit them." Dad, can I talk to you about something ? Sure, boy. What's on your mind ? Well, I was wondering. How important is it to be popular ?

That's Homer Simpson's computer. Oh, God! It's spreading! Happy New-- Wha-- Oh, no. It's happening.

Smithers, massage my brain. Yes, sir.

(MOANS) (GROANS) Now pull over! First, raise my allowance. Why, you little... (TIRES SCREECHING) (CHOKING)

Yes, I think a series of painful injections... directly into Bart's spine should get the job done.

Why, you little-- Uh-oh ! Now I got ya ! Aah ! Aah ! Boy must die ! I love you, Dad ! Doh ! Dirty trick.

You need to find an anchor of some sort. Think harder, Homer. I'll take that.

Congratulations, Artie. Marge, this may not be the most appropriate forum for what I'm about to put forth, but... would you go to the prom with me ? Well-- I-i can think of a dozen highly cogent arguments.

my wrist sounds like a cement mixer.

Two Krusty shakes, a doughnut burger with cheese... and a party-size bucket of flan. Yes, I will have fries with that. Anything to get out of work.

Congratulations, it's a boy. Arr. You're truly the catch of the day.

The individual doesn't matter. It was a team effort. And I was the one who came up with the whole team idea.

We could try selling liquor. Uh, I'm doing great. Please, sir. Put some shoes on. What? You don't like my bags? People, these are all good ideas-- No, they're not. They're terrible, terrible ideas. You're right. It's hopeless. No one has that kind of money. What about Mr. Burns? Maybe he'll help us out.

The safe baby craze. It's sweeping Springfield, thanks to one crusading parent. That's me! Safety dance! You can dance You can dance Everybody look at your pants But while Homer Simpson has made our babies safe,

to study science by mail. And, last week, Frank Grimes, the man who had to struggle for everything he ever got, received his correspondence school diploma in nuclear physics-- with a minor in determination.

This guy here, this is the guy.

Whoa! Yo! Ouch! i call brutality on you. You have the right to remain-- All right, uh, "Simpson, Homer." - You're next. - Whoo-hoo!

Abraham Simpson. Cornelius Talmadge. Oh, no, I'm not-- Well, let's see what you got here. The pink ones keep ya from screamin'. All right, folks. It's suppertime. Supper at 4:00? Whoo-hoo! What a sweet deal.

La la-la la-la la la la la-la la-la la-la la la-la-la BeCause I'm free nothin's worryin' me

Children dont remember bad birthdays, do they?

In the first moments of a nuclear war, Springfield will be bombed at will... by all friendly nations to calibrate their missiles. Yea! Now for total security, I will terminate the cameraman. Thanks a lot, Steve!

By gum, it worked. I've awakened in the future.

The preceding program contained scenes of extreme violence... and should not have been viewed by young children.

Will I pass my English test?

Ah, my love. A million poets could try for a million years and still describe but three-eighths of your beauty. Whoa, slow down, Frenchy. This stuff is gold. "A million poets working for a million years..." You're so lucky.

That's right. The year is 1965. And you and I are undercover detectives on the hot-rod circuit. Now let's burn rubber, baby! Speedway Squad! In color.

(GASPS) Homer, look! I'm here at the long-dormant Springfield Volcano, which is now spewing noxious debris into the air. How male. ALL: Mmm-hmm. With me is my 8-year-old camera girl, Lisa Simpson. She's taken my daughter to an erupting volcano?

Come one, come all. See the amazing frozen man. Also gaze at the Frito found in a bag of Doritos. Marvel at the floor that just won't come clean! Dear Log: My worst fears have been confirmed.

You guys are the best! I love you, I love you. I'm okay. I love you, I love you, I love you.

Hey, I was just kidding. That's it. He's out of here. But we're the only family he's got. This is not Happy Days, and he is not the Fonz. Hey-y-y, Mr. S. Listen, you drain-clogging, last-cookie-eating collect-call-getting sponge.

Where's the baby? Where you left it. Shut up. Listen, fat boy-- No, you listen. This is my wife, and my kid. I'm paying for this delivery. If you wanna stay you give me some respect. Homer, does this mean..? Tomorrow, I'm a nuclear technician! Good God!

What do I do? Engage her feelings, become a friend. Get her a LIFE Magazine from the week she was born. I'll always treasure mine. You're absolutely right! Stop this ride! You're the boss!

Stop this ride! You're the boss! (SCREAMING) I want to go again, Daddy! Daddy?

One that's made entirely out of syrup. Entirely ou-- An all-syrup Super-squishy? Oh, sir, such a thing has never been done. just make it happen. Oh. Oh, dear.

I sure like the cut of your gibberish. (RAPIDLY INTERLOCKING DOODLIES, DIDDLIES)

Sayonara, suckers. Yea! The Simpsons are going to japan. Hey, watch the gong, jerk.

Bust in here and take it? You must be stupider than you look. Stupider like a fox! I'm okay.

I'll just change "Otto von Bismarck" to read "Bart Simpson." Psst ! - Grandpa, I think this guy's a little nuts. - Oh, yeah ? Well, General George S. Patton was a little nuts. And this guy is completely out of his mind.

Glove slap Baby, glove slap Glove slap i don't take crap Glove slap shut your big yap

Ah, well. Looks like the party's over. Hey, Moses, keep 'em comin'.

We'll stay with my very best friend in the world, Lenny. Hey, Simpsons. That's Lenny? Oh, I wanted the black one!

On one of my frequent trips to the ground-- I noticed Malloy wore sneakers...

Have you told Mom about this? No. It would only worry her. If you want to add to her worries, go ahead. I guess I'm just a little more grateful for all she's done for us. Dad! Yes, sweetheart? Obesity is really unhealthy. Any doctor will tell you that. Oh, yeah? Well, we'll just see about that, little Miss Smart Guy.

Here's an appealing fellow. In fact, they're a-peeling him off the sidewalk.

He is the benevolent, enlightened president and C.E.O.... of Kwik-E-Mart, and in Ohio, Stop-O-Mart. He is the one I must ask for my job back. Approach, my sons. You may ask me three questions.

Grampa, please. He's in a coma. Coma? Pfftt. Why, I go in and out of comas all the-- French toast, please.

Donuts. Is there anything they can't do? - Dad, you're a hero. - Yes, son. I'm the best mono-thingy guy there ever was.

So, you like doughnuts, eh? - Uh-huh. - Well, have all the doughnuts in the world!

Bart! Bart! Time for your Sunday night bath, boy! Gotta hide. Bart! Huh. Where are ya, boy? - Oops. - Aha!

So you've got to think of a way I can come home for free. Hmm. You could travel for free if you were a stewardess. Well, how badly do you want to get home? All right, all right. How about a courier? They travel for free too.

Mom, this is fascinating. Did you know that they'll stop Dad's heart for six whole minutes? I don't know if I like you reading all those cardiology books.

I understand that, Mr. Simpson, but according to our computer, your credit history is not good. It says here that you've been pre-declined for every major credit card. It also says you once grabbed a dog by the hind legs... and pushed him around like a vacuum cleaner. That was in the third grade. Well, it all goes on your permanent record.

Let the initiation begin. All Stonecutters must take the Leap of Faith. If you survive this five-story plunge, your character will be proven.

What's wrong with Dad? He's just exhausted. Lisa, do you know what it costs to keep a pony? No. Well, it's a lot. Your father had to take a second job. Poor guy. Where's he working? The Kwik-E mart.

Is there anything they won't do? Oh, Homer, this is awful. The guy that sold me this thing... did say the wishes would bring grave misfortune. I thought he was being colorful. I wish for world peace. Lisa, that was very selfish of you!

Die, you monster! Dad, that's the water softener. Well, I am missing the back of my head. I think you could cut me some slack. Homer, no!

The latest polls show you're up six points. Ah, giving me a total of-- Six. But we're on our way. My worthy opponent seems to think... that the voters of this state are gullible fools. I, however, prefer to rely on their intelligence and good judgment. Interesting strategy. Good luck. And I say taxes are too high.

Why is everyone so insolent today? Well, today is Christmas, sir. I say when it's Christmas.

Ah, looks like a little angel. Now to save me Marge. Oh, Homer, save me! Save me!

It hasn't been this crowded since the government cracked down on you for accepting food stamps.

Uh-- See, uh-- To tell you the truth, I'm, uh-- I was just-- I'm just killing time here. I was waiting for a, well, a different-- different funeral to start. I'll handle it. Bob Newhart, everybody!

He says the crotch wears out too fast. Yarrr! That's gonna replace the whale in my nightmares! Well, don't worry. The giant Éclair will knock Homer off the food page... and into the obituaries.

The star of The Blue Lagoon and me, the blue-haired goon! What the-- That's terrible! Cartoons have the power to make us laugh and to make us cry. Wouldn't you agree, Krusty? First of all, my hair is green, not blue. I got nothin' to work with here.

Sure. Divorce. Hey, you got it, toots! And here's a picture even you can figure out! It's a door! Use it!

An elephant ran through your front yard. Okay. Wiggum. Yeah, right, mister. Mm-hmm. An elephant just knocked over your mailbox. Okay.

Now quickly! Gaze down at God's fabulous parquet floor. Eyes on the floor. Still on the floor. Oh, my ass! Always on God's floor. Hang on, Homie! I'm gonna try to set her down! Thank you.

What the hell was that?

Oh. So you're lookin' for a Mr. Smithers, eh? First name Waylon, is it? Listen to me, you! When I catch you, I'm gonna pull out your eyes and shove 'em down your pants... so you can watch me kick the crap outta you! Okay? Then I'm gonna use your tongue to paint my boat. Ooh.

There he is, on the monkey bars. Try to take him alive. Oh, no! Not again! I appreciate the offer, but it goes against every moral fiber in my body. Suit yourself. If you change your mind, here's my card. I don't need a card. You live in the room next to me.

Homer, do you want your son to become chief justice of the Supreme Court... or a sleazy male stripper? Can't he be both, like the late Earl Warren? Earl Warren wasn't a stripper. Now who's being naive?

Say your prayers, Simpson.

You know, a hole is a great place... to hide when people are fighting. Are there angry people in your house? My dad's always yelling that whitey's keeping him down. I see.

Ow! Ohh! Uhh! Aah! Ohh! Uhh! Single.

God loves you! He's gonna kill you!

Thirsting for a way to name the unnameable, to express the inexpressible. Tell me more.

If only we had the exact date. (TAPE REWINDING) Bingo! Thank you, Mr. Alcatraaaz. Ain't nothin'. Uh-uh-uh. It is nothing. It's idiomatic, biatch. (GRUNTS) All right, (GUN COCKING) hand over the tape and nobody gets hurt.

No, not at all. In fact, one of my guilty little pleasures...

Do you have a doughnut or not? Coming up. just sign here. Careful, hot pen. Hmm. Who's that goat-legged fellow? I like the cut of his jib. Uh, Prince of Darkness, sir. He's your 11:00. Ah!

Whoo-hoo! I'm chief of police! Police? Uh-oh. Oh, wait. It was better the other way.

Get out of the way! Oh, no! No!

- Waterloo - Huh? Couldn't eScape if i wanted to I'm sorry, sir. I must've taped over that. Waterloo knowing my fate is to be with you Freeze! F.B.I. The jig is up. All right, I admit it. I am the Lindbergh baby.

Ladies and gentlemen, Krusty the Clown is dead.

It's seeping in. Stupid, cheap weather stripping!

for your lenient stance on crime. But suppose for a second that your house was ransacked by thugs, your family tied up in the basement with socks in their mouths! You try to open the door, but there's too much blood on the knob-- What is your, uh, question? My question's about the budget, sir.

What a time to be alive.

Now, the key to great dancing is one word: tappa-tappa-tappa. Tappa-tappa-tappa. Teacher, my shoes are making noise. You must be Ralph. My daddy shoots people.

"Explosion imminent." Oh, my God! The plant's gonna explode!

that's always full of old people-- Periodicals, that's it! Marge, please, old people don't need companionship. They need to be isolated and studied, so it can be determined what nutrients they have... that might be extracted for our personal use. Homer, would you please stop reading that Ross Perot pamphlet? Oh!

How could you, Krusty? I'd never lend my name to an inferior product. Oh! They drove a dump truck full of money up to my house. I'm not made of stone!

Oh-- Someday I'll have my vengeance. Someday when I find my way out of this savage, roach-ridden cesspool! Say, Terwilliger's a Yalie. Bob, come along! We need an eighth...

No, no, Reverend. The point is he said a bad word. Oh. Oh, right. Well, kids usually pick these things up from someplace. Find out who's doing it and direct them to the Bible. Where in the Bible? Uh... page 900. But, Reverend... Damn Flanders.

Welcome. I am honored to accept your waste.

My darling, i This was a wonderful idea, Homie. Can't get enough of your love, babe Hey, there's a turkey behind the bed! Mmm. Marge. Oh, Margie, you came and you found me a turkey

Fire! What do I do? What do I do? Oh, the song, the song. When A fire starts to burn there's A lesson you must learn Something something then you'll see you'll avoid catastrophe D'oh!

One more step, and you're a dead man.

This is one more Emmy than you'll ever win... you bantering jack-in-the-box! just don't drop it in the shower. No-talent, shill! Second banana! Panderer! Bore! Uh, now for the highlight of the evening--

Please. No. Please. No. - Please. - No.

Clear. Why are you doing that? Oh, it's good for the batteries. Now, I'm afraid your son has cracked his coccyx. Sorry. How long will he take to recover? He'll have to wear this fanny cast for quite some time.

Keep looking shocked and move slowly towards the cake.

Marge, TV and nightmares have joined forces to teach me a lesson.

I want your legal advice. I even pay for it. But to me, you're all vipers. You live on personal injury, on divorces. You live on pain and misery!

That's not funny, Homer! Yeah!

All right, stick it to the man.

At least have the guts to take the blame, girl. You're only compounding your folly by lying about it. Right on! Young lady, cow hearts belong in a butcher's window, not the classroom. Well, maybe in an older student's biology classroom, but that's none of my business.

And don't say it'll never happen, because we all remember that thing with what's-her-name. Click, click. You know. Okay, the runner-up is... Lisa Simpson!

Boy, Lisa, with you here, this hardly seems like work at all. I don't know how I'm gonna make it through my night shift without you. We could have a slumber party. Oh, that'd be great! Sleeping bags on the floor, a roaring fire. It'll be just like the time they kicked me out of the sporting goods store.

Mr. Simpson, the tar fumes are making me dizzy! Yeah, they'll do that.

Ah, Smithers, the big title fight is one of those rare occasions... that I savor the sights, the sounds and... ah, yes, the smells of other men. You haven't lost the common touch, sir. So, Homer, I hear you got the fight. Yeah, that's right. 8:00, my place. Come one, come all.

What the heck is that? Maybe it's a box from the future! It looks japanese. What's going on? Wh-Why am I on a japanese box? Oh, my God! What is that?

I'll plug your hole!

Thanks, Dad. Well, I'm just glad we're back to me being the father and you being the son. Are you sure that thing could really explode? Oh, I doubt it. But we'll let the seagulls at the dump figure it out.

I was hopin' it wouldn't come to this, but you guys asked for it. Can't you read? Call the police!

Jingle bell what?

Someday, when Lisa and Bart get married, it'll all be theirs. Yuck! You mean when they marry other people. Okay, but I ain't payin' for two weddin's. Hey, wake up! We're moving!

Hey, Homer, ain't that your kid on TV? What are you lookin' at? "What are you looking at?" The innocent words of a drunken child.

Are you the Beer Baron? Well, if you're talking about root beer, I plead guilt-diddily-ilty as char-diddily-arged. He's not the Baron. But he sounds drunk. Take him in. Are you the Beer Baron? Yes, but only by night. By day, I'm a mild-mannered reporter for a major metropolitan newspaper. Don't crack wise with me, tubby.

I'll mace you good! That is completely taken out of context! Why you little--

The Simpsons (TIRES SCREECHING) D'oh! (SCREAMS) (BRAKES SCREECHING)

Lisa, I brought you some lemonade for your protest. Thanks, Mom. It doesn't seem to be going very well. Well, don't give up. When you love somebody, you have to have faith that in the end they will do the right thing.

Homie, I disagree with your approach to the children. (GRUNTING) (GUNSHOT) (HOMER SCREAMS) (MARGE COCKS GUN) - (GUNSHOT) HOMER: D'oh! Pathetic humans. They're showing a Halloween episode. In November! Who's still thinking about Halloween?

Under attack by Commie Nazis.

J You make me feel as young as the blood I get from sheepJ J You’re like Jacqueline BissetJ J In me favorite film The Deep J J You’re sexy and exotic J J Like a hooker from BelizeJ J Or a patient with insuranceJ J Who’s crawling with disease J

Products you could only imagine before-- the s.s. Microwave. Ah, my crÊpes are done. The Doggie Doorman. Good evening, Rex.

I just wish jasper johns hadn't stolen my boat. Aah! So long, suckers!

This contest is over. Give that man the $10,000. This isn't America's Funniest Home Videos. But the ball-- his groin-- It works at so many levels. Roll it again.

The politics of failure have failed. We need to make them work again.

I'm sorry, Marge. I-- I can't believe I tried to trick you with such an under-- Did you do it? No! Now if you'll excuse us, we'll just be-- Does that ever work? No. No, never does. Book 'im, Lou. Yeah, sure. Go ahead. I'll be back on the streets by dinnertime! You'll see.

And furthermore-- Hollywood is leading our kids down a moral sewer. Gotta go!

What the hell is that?

I'm considerable hungry. We got any food left? Hmm. Looks like we're out of corn pone, fatback, hardtack, fat pone, "corntack." Any "tackback"? "Tackback"? - I mean "backtack." - Plumb out.

When I went to pick him up, Mom was trying to stab him with a hat pin. Shh! You make me feel you make me feel like A natural woman

Hey, Barney, soul mate! Let me buy you a beer. Okay. But I'm not your soul mate. I'm really more of a chum. What about you, Lenny? I'm a crony. Carl? I'd say acquaintance. Colleague. Sympathizer. Compadre. Associate. Contemporary.

Okay, okay. What if we use the 10,000 to surgically transform Skinner here... into a-- some kind of a lobster-like creature? Well, now wait just a minute. That wasn't discussed with me. Uh, gentlemen, I am not leaving without my elephant. Hey! Whee! Where's my elephant?

Loyal citizens of New Springfield, you stayed on my side of town... despite a total lack of hospitals and schools... and a sewage nightmare that threatens to consume us all.

Good riddance to bad lizards.

All right, Bart. The Bible does teach forgiveness. Class, I want you to welcome back our prodigal son. Huh? What's "prodigal" mean? Oh, dear.

And this song isn't even in the show. I don't have time for this. I got 75 shortcakes to strawberry. Now get out there, Luke.

Ah, Homer, you're the greatest. - Hey! Lenny! - Sorry. Sorry. For what? A little splattered food never hurt anybody. Now everybody shut up and dance! Matty told Hatty About a thing she saw

Hey, the burglar left his calling card. "You have just been robbed by the Springfield Cat Burglar." Cute. Hidilly-ho, neighboreenos. Can't talk. Robbed. Go hell. You folks got robbed too? The burglar took my Shroud of Turin beach towels.

Wait a minute, you little cheater. You're not going anywhere until you tell me what a "kwyjibo" is. "Kwyjibo." Uh-- A big, dumb, balding, North American ape with no chin.

You know, I could snip the wires. We'd fall to our deaths, but we'd save the entire town. Bart, how would you like to do something incredibly noble? - Do we have to? - Yes.

Silence! And why is a cafeteria worker posing as a nurse? I get two paychecks this way. D'oh. There's no detention this time, Simpson. This is the end. You are expelled from Springfield Elementary.

(SHOES TAPPING) Okay, it's time to win the love of these hateful morons. Step one, amass a vast media empire. The station's not for sale, Burns. It's been in the same family for generations.

Mr. Smithers! Mr Smithers! I found another hurt shrew. I think this one has a twisted ankle. Twisted-- Aren't there any healthy animals in this forest?

The TV! The TV!

Those are my feet.

Oh, my God! Do something, Mesmerino. Uh, yes. Yes. Um-- Oh, that's better.

Bob, one of my fillings fell out.

And now our parody of Mad About You entitled...

Why, oh, why Delilah It's 11 K-BBL degrees below zero.

You've clearly taken items from the candy rack and placed them... on top of the doughnut in an attempt to pass them off as sprinkles. Well, it was like that when I got here. It really was! A Mounds bar is not a sprinkle. A Twizzler is not a sprinkle. A jolly Rancher is not a sprinkle, sir. Perhaps in Shangri-la they are, but not here. Oh.

Open up, Curly! This is a raid! A raid? Curly? Um, all right, but, uh, I don't know what you expect to find... in a simple, uh, neighborhood pet shop.

I'm Rory Bellows, I tell you, and I got a lot of corroborating evidence... over here... by the throttle! You know, you two could have said something, instead of letting me make an ass of myself.

That's it! I'm calling my buddies. Marge is not the only one who can have a girls' night out. Oh, no can do, Homer. I'm watching the game.

B-i-n-g-o B-i-n-g-o B-i-n-g-o The father of the family has worked all day... to find this food for his children.

Sure! We're gonna have a great day! Bada bing, bada boom! Right, Bart? Bart? What's wrong, honey? Uh-oh! Somebody's got tired little legs. Hm! Uhh!

Forget it, Dad. If I ever become famous, I want it to be for something worthwhile, not because of some obnoxious fad. Obnoxious fad? Ah, don't worry, Son. You know, they said the same thing about Urkel. That little snot boy. I'd like to smack that kid!

Please, I can assure you we'll be using the most advanced scientific techniques... in the field of... body finding. I see wedding bells for Vanna White and Teddy Kennedy. Please, If we could just stick to Principal Skinner.

A surprise party for me? In Principal Skinner's office? Well, I don't know, but all right. Me, go to my office? Well, it's highly irregular, but all right. And you're not coming out until you reach an agreement. Help, Bart! Come on! This is not funny, Bart!

Ah, 'tis like the singing of the angels themselves. Catching that leprechaun didn't help anything. Maybe you need to take the leprechaun...

Bad dog! Bad cat! Bad fawn. Hmm. Shoo! Shoo! All right!

You wrecked Hitler's car. What did he ever do to you?

You pigs! Oh, no! Bette Midler!

So you can either sit there crying and eating can after can of dog food... until your tears smell enough like dog food to make your dog come back, or you can go out there and find your dog! You're right! I'll do it! Rats! I almost had him eatin' dog food.

Smithers, make me slap him! You call that a slap? Make me slap you. Now both. Now just you. Now give me a taste. Now both again. Mmm! Now all three. Excellent.

Um, well, sir, it happened 25 years before I was born.

- Cyohl - Cyohl - Cyohl - Cyohl - Cyohl - Cyohl - Son of a- - Cyohl

Release the dogs. Gee, they look pretty mad. Yeah, I've been starvin' 'em, teasin' 'em, singing off-key.

Bart! How many times have I told you not to bite your sist-- Wait a minute! You are a vampire! Quick! We have to kill the boy! How'd you know he's a vampire? He's a vampire? Aaah!

because tonight we present The Simpsons Spin-Off Showcase.

Ooh, would you look at that. Aahh! Kneel before my slingshot, puny earthling! Well, I guess my first wish... is to get rid of those awful aliens. Aahh! He's got a board with a nail in it! Enslave humanity, will ya?! Run, Kodos!

What's that? I'm being told I can have an exclusive interview with the ringleader. Don't be the boy. Don't be the boy. D'oh!

A Bazooka joe comic. I heard that one 75 years ago. We could build snowmen. No, I have a better idea. We could build real men out of snow. Oh. Okay.

- Are you hiding something? What do you have under your jacket? - Nothing! Oh, Bart, not again! Give it to me. I told you. I don't have anything. You can't hide from me in this house, Bart. I spend 23 hours a day here! Get him, Ma.

Oh, hurry up. I'm a busy man. This high-speed modem is intolerably slow. Hey. What the-- Huh. The internet King. i wonder if he can provide faster nudity.

What if I talk like this? What if I sing to you? I gave my love A chicken it had no bone Mmm, chicken. So then, "mono" means "one," and "rail" means "rail."

Well, I would prefer we kept your marriage a secret. A lot of women are going to want to have sex with you, and, uh, we want them to think they can. Well, if I explain it to Marge that way, I'm sure she'll understand.

Stop it, please. I'm trying to eat. And all those feet going by the window are really creeping me out. ts like we're at Cheers. I loved that show, because you always knew it was only a half hour till Wings. Then you could just sleep till Monday.

Good-bye, little dude. - He looks so lifelike, man. - Yes. The school nurse did a wonderful job... reconstructing his little face after the fight. Good-bye, son. I guess you were right. All that homework was a waste of your time.

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

f Male Announcer] Andnow Ken Burns... a documentary b y Ken Burns about the iife of Ken Burns. Ewl Where's the remote? Ever since he Was a young man, Ken Burns has io ved two things- baseball andjazz. They so consumed my iife. .. i never had time for a proper haircut.

I don't know! This is a nightmare! You're all sick! Oh, be nice! Oh! My son doesn't stand a chance! The whole world's gone gay! Oh, my God! What's happening now?

Class, instead of going to the box factory today, we'll be going to the... box factory.

Oh, man. The plant cut one. Bart, plants dont- Whew! - Ewl - Ohh! Pl ya ya " [Que flora malodorosai.

Um, I'll have four Tax Burgers, one "I.R.S.-wich--" withhold the lettuce-- three dependent-size sodas, and a "FICA-ccino." Fill out schedule "B." You should receive your burgers in six to eight weeks. Well, let's see here.

Mom, Bart's sitting next to me! Mom, Lisa's growing!

Help me, Simpson. Tell me your secret. Uh, Mr. Burns, in spite of what everybody thinks, I'm no lover boy. Simpson, I'm asking you nicely. I don't really know, sir. Simpson ! Well, I wine them, I... dine them, bring them flowers, write them love poetry, sir.

I know you. Your little smart-mouthed boy cost this town the Olympics. Who is it, Mother? Bart Simpson's father. Oh. I'll be right down. Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!

And look at these toy soldiers! They'll break the second I step on 'em. Stupid... toy... soldiers! Break, you stupid-- All right. Come on, pops. - Soldiers won't bother you anymore. - Oh!

Homer, I'm gonna need you to do something for me when we get to China. You name it, O wise mountain ape. You have to pretend to be my husband. HOMER: No!

No, no, no, no, no! Ay. ¿DÓnde estÁ mi tequila?

I'll save you, Lisa! (RUMBLING) Oh, my God! Oh! Ooh. Be careful, Mom! There's hot lava under the ground!

I always wondered if there was a God, and now I know. There is, and it's me. You're not a god, Homer.

Oh, that's unsexy. Ew! D'oh! Think unsexy thoughts. Think unsexy thoughts.

Uh, we could sing a song if you don't mind being Mickey Rooney.

Oh, my ! All this senseless violence. I don't understand it's appeal. We don't expect you to, Mom. If cartoons were meant for adults, they'd put them on in prime time.

Hey, there, Kirk. Oh, boy! What's going on? Patio party? Nah. A possum drowned in the pool. You have any garbage bags? Ah, just throw it over the fence. Let Arby's worry about it. That's jerry. He's a major player down at the sewing store.

- Simpson! - S h h _

my wrist sounds like a cement mixer. Ow! Come on, Seymour. - Mau! Didi mau! - Ow!

Professor, without knowing precisely what the danger is, would you say it's time for our viewers to crack each other's heads open... and feast on the goo inside? Yes, I would, Kent.

But, Mom, I read that sport utility vehicles... are more likely to be involved in fatal accidents. Fatal to the people in the other car. Let's roll.

Gavin, don't you already have this game?

Do you feel Like we do Man, that guy's guitar is talkin'! Hey, my shoes are talkin' too! Don't worry.

Give it up, Lise. She's a criminal mastermind.

It's a beautiful day to kick your ass! You die now!

Heh. Hey. Ooh. Look out. Yeah. How does he do it, Smithers ? He's a love machine, sir. Da, da, da Way to go, Dad.

(BEETHOVEN'S FIFTH SYMPHONY PLAYING) Where is everybody going? The symphony, she has just started! So? We already heard the Dum, dum, dum, dum The rest is just filler. I thought this was gonna be the soundtrack to the movie Beethoven.

Now, if anyone would like to stay, I'm going to hold a comprehensive review session after every class. Do we have to? No. Then kiss my curvy butt good-bye.

I hereby declare this area cleaned up by the Cavalry Kids.

f Lisa's Voice f

and ask you to put your seat belts back on. When we get to 35,000 feet he usually does let go, so from there on out, all we have to do... is worry about Mothra, and we do have reports... he's tied up with gamera and Rodan at the present time. Thank you very much.

Ivana. Ivana Tinkle. just a sec. Ivana Tinkle. Ivana Tinkle! All right, everybody, put down your glasses. Ivana Tinkle. Har, har, har.

Electric needle room?

And that's why I will continue to oppose teen alcoholism... in all its forms. Now, are there any questions? Keeping in mind that I already explained about my hair.

Howdily-do-- - Greetings, friend-- - Dang! I told you to unplug the phone. But it could be my mother. Howdy-- Shoot! Greetings, friend-- That is it, Ned. If you don't unplug that phone right now, you're sleeping on the lawn. Will you two shut up? People are trying to sleep!

It sounds like fun.

And I've been on safari. If you need me, I'll be in the refrigerator. Mmm ! Mr. Burns, I've had enough of your... posing. I can finish the portrait myself. Thank goodness. Another day in this suburban nightmare and I would've needed half a Valium.

That was the prop comedy of the Sea Captain. More like "thar he blows!" Yaargh. I'm so sorry.

And to show my appreciation, here are two free passes. But there are five of us. Here are two free passes.

Shut up! It all began... when jebediah Springfield first came to these lands... with his partner, Shelbyville Manhattan.

Big? Daring? Lisa, that's it! I've got an idea for a wonderful art project that'll make everyone love me again! Step one: steal all the doormats in town. Hit the road, "Welcome Home"! Adios, "Casa de Flanders"! See ya in hell, "God Bless This House."

Guess what, Lurleen. I got you a gig on TV. Oh, Homer, you're as smart as you are handsome.

What a crappy candle.

to something called the "Corey Hotline." Wasn't me. Lisa! Why didn't you ask our permission, Lisa? I did. - Dad, can I-- - Yeah, yeah, yeah.

- That's Maggie again, Grampa. - Oh.

I'm gonna fight this thing. Oh, please don't. For me? Sorry, Marge. This is my quest. I'm like that guy, that Spanish guy. - You know, he fought the windmills. - Don Quixote? No, that's not it. What's his name? "The Man of La Mancha." - Don Quixote. - No! I really think that was the character's name-- Don Quixote.

Oh, man. This is going right on eBay.

Hi, everyone. If I could just say a few words, I'd be a better public speaker. Now that you're all relaxed--

Heh. We're proud of all of our Duff commercials, but here's a very special one from 1960. Well, I would suggest, Mr. Vanocur, that, uh, if you knew the president, uh, that that was probably just a facetious remark. And now a word from our sponsor. I would like to take this opportunity...

So, you like doughnuts, eh? - Uh-huh. - Well, have all the doughnuts in the world!

I hear those things are awfully loud it glides As softly As A cloud is there A chance the track could bend not on your life my Hindu friend what about us brain-dead slobs you'll be given cushy Jobs were you sent here by the devil no, good Sir I'm on the level the ring Came off my pudding can take my pen knife my good man

- Remember, pick up Bart. - I'm on my way.

You're doing that the sucker way. Try a little vitamin "G"!

I've said "jiminy jillickers" so many times, the words have lost all meaning. We've got to do the jiminy jillickers scene again, Milhouse. But we already did it. It took seven hours, but we did it. It's done. Yes! But we've got to do it from different angles. Again and again! And again and again and again!

They're made of apple cores and Chinese newspapers. Hey. Deng Xiaoping died. Homer, listen to me. Turn back now!

So? We already heard the Dum, dum, dum, dum The rest is just filler. I thought this was gonna be the soundtrack to the movie Beethoven. Was I sadly mistaken. It sounds better on my cell phone. (BEETHOVEN'S FIFTH SYMPHONY PLAYING) Don't leave now! The next piece is an atonal medley by Philip Glass.

- Governors Island. - Look! It's ZZ Top! You guys rock! Eh, maybe a little.

Who are we? The Wildcats! Who are we gonna beat? The Wildcats!

No. Not the memoirs. Don't even think about it. Not gonna happen.

Excuse me, sir. Did you repossess this dog from a guy named Santos L. Halper? Yeah. Yeah, I remember this mutt. We sold him to some guy wearing a dress. No, I didn't buy your dog. I gotta go keep an eye on Selma. She thinks she swallowed a Band-Aid.

Well, I-- I knew there would be sacrifices. Oh ! Great toast, Marge !

of that alligator biting that woman's bottom? Oh, yeah. That was brilliant! That's right. We all thought it was hilarious. But it turns out we were wrong. That alligator was sexually harassing that woman. And the dog in the Coppertone ad? Same deal, Dad? That's kind of a gray area. We know you're innocent, Dad. Thanks, kids.

With our utter annihilation imminent, our federal government has snapped into action. We go live now via satellite to the floor of the United States Congress. Then it is unanimous. We are going to approve the bill to evacuate the town of Springfield... - in the great state of-- - Wait a second.

Ooh. Thanks, buddy. Hey, I lost my turn. Oh! My arm. Whee-- Ow! I bit my tongue. Each leap brings us closer to God. - Catch me, Lord. Catch me. Wh-- - Ow! What have we done to make God angry?

This year's tree is just perfect. That old aluminium one was so fake. I couldn't agree more. From now on, it's plastic all the way. Bart, did you hear that? Could it be?

Oh, no ! My game, my game ! I could have beat the boy. Marge, how could you ? I was so close. I'm sorry, but this is more important than that silly, loud game. You're right, Mom. I'd just like to use this occasion to announce my retirement,

Raise your right hock. Aerate. Raise your left hock. Aerate. I want to see more Teddy Roosevelts and less Franklin Roosevelts.

Sorry, Lise. I no longer control the hand. The hand controls me! Dad! Shut up, you little monsters! Hello, I was wondering if you'd like to babysit my little angels.

Nothin' beats the hobo life Stabbin' folks with my hobo knife I gouge them-- Excuse me, Hobo. Can you play something a little less unnerving?

What are you gonna do to us? Now, don't worry. I'm not a stabbin' hobo. I'm a singin' hobo. Nothin' beats the hobo life Stabbin' folks with my hobo knife I gouge them-- Excuse me, Hobo. Can you play something a little less unnerving?

"Daddy's made a shiv. "Can you help him ice Johnny Shakes, the jailhouse stoolie?" Uh, ew. Hey, let me read it to her. "Johnny's friends get some payback on Daddy while he's sleeping." Daddy's on fire. Daddy's not on fire. Daddy's on fire. Daddy's not on fire.

Do you see why I brought you here, Simpson? Yes. Yes. If I keep putting work first... I'll lose everyone I care about... just like you did! Thank you, Mr. Burns.

No, I don't think we'll be telling them that.

"...inefficiently mining uranium that could be purchased quite cheaply on the foreign markets, "uh, the long-term benefits more than offsetting the one-time cost... "for a net savings of f-five thousand, two, uh, hundred and--" Oh, lots of money.

And the next 20 callers will get this album of museum noises. Now your music room can sound... just like the Metropolitan Museum in New York. Outstanding. Why are you torturing me? I'm just a man! You know, I've worked with so many legendary actors over the years...

Hey, how you doing? Welcome to scenic Waynesport. And remember your visit with a googly-eyed walnut. How about a googly-eyed rock? Some nice local squash candy? A stressed-out Pepsi bottle? Come on.

KBBL is gonna give me something stupid!

Thanks a lot, Simpson. Now I'm grounded.

Lousy chub night. Hey, how come he gets meat and we don't? You wouldn't want what he's eating. It's mostly snouts and entrails. Mmm... snouts. Yes, I'm back.

Oh, good Lord! It a Swingline! (GASPS) (SCREAMS) Medic! (GROANS) (BOTH STRAINING) Skinner! (ALL SCREAM)

In fact, when you're up there "blah, blah, blah-ing," I'm usually doodling or mentally undressing the female parishioners. Well, anyhoo, can I have $40,000?

We're not Whitesnake, dude. We're Poison. I thought we were Quiet Riot. It says here we're Ratt.

Son, if you can look me in the eye and say you didn't take the collection money, that's all I need. I didn't take it.

How dare you destroy my valuable wall and spill my priceless acid? Did you really think you were going to get away with it? - I wasn't-- - Silence! I'm going to give you one more chance-- at a reduced salary. So straighten up and fly right. But, sir, if I could--

Mom, you wouldn't dare. Don't take that tone with me, young lady, or I'll give you a taste of the back of me hand. No, you don't.

Look at this breakdown of yesterday's show. Kaboom! What happened here? Lightning hit the transmitter? See, that's what I thought at first, but then-- Hey, shut up!

What do you mean, isolated? Maybe you could reach out to the community and help other people. Hmm. I could help others.

Compadres, it is imperative that we crush the freedom fighters... before the start of the rainy season. And remember, a shiny new donkey... for whoever brings me the head of Colonel Montoya. Hmm? What? Oh. And by that I mean, of course, it's time for the Worker of the Week Award.

The whole town's laughing at me. Even that cat out there. Bart, kill that cat! Okay! And that big yellow flower!

You've really done it this time, Bart! You're in for the punishment of a lifetime! When do you expect the ringing will stop? In about 10 to 15 seconds! I certainly hope so! That's better.

N-- Yes! But, please, don't you say that word. What? Sex!

Stupid family. Won't even come to my Rapture. I went to Lisa's school play, which had serious pacing problems. (WOLF HOWLING) Three, two, one... (BEEPING) Oh, I'm wrong again!

Don't worry, Homer. You'll always be a part of me. D'oh!

I'm not dead, idiot. I know. That was for the other patients. Ow! Ow! My thingies!

can't buy me love oh

- Soon I will kill you. - Huh? Son pieds sentit beau-- French for "her foot smells lovely." Oh. Prepare to be murdered. Huh? That's... Sanskrit for "your toes are like perfume." Voy a matar a usted. Wha?

Cut it out, boy. Dad, what are you doin' here? Readin' about this Edison character. They won't let me in the big people library downtown. There was some... unpleasantness. I can never go back. Ooh. Look at all the inventions Edison came up with.

Ooh! Malaria Zone!

Yeah, I seen her. Uh, that is to say, I saw her.

Hello, chief. Let's talk. Why not? Uh, hello? Why am I Mr. Sparkle? Oh, you like Mr. Sparkle? Well, I am Mr. Sparkle. Oh, you have many question Mr. Sparkle. - I send you premium. Answer question 100%. - Hmm!

Isn't that clever? It looks like a Cadillac drove right into the building. Help me. Wow! Even Moe's moved to fancy new digs.

Dr. Riviera. Dr. Nick Riviera. Please report to the coroner immediately. The coroner? I'm so sick of that guy. Well, see you in the operating place. Where are the bodies? Oh, such a nice day. I think I'll go out the window. Ho!

There's a 4:30 in the morning now? Top of the hour. Time for the morning news. But, of course, there is no news yet. Everyone is still asleep in their comfy, comfy beds. Good night, everybody.

(GASPING) Get ready, skanks. Here comes the truth train! This isn't an island. It's a peninsula. (DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING) (GASPING) This was supposed to be about trust! (SOBBING) I just want to get on that boat and go home! Well, you don't need a boat because you can walk. (WAILING)

I'm livin' in a cuckoo clock! Oh, see you later, kids. I've got to go rehearse with Ned. But, Marge, what about dessert? For God's sakes, you can pull the lid off your own can of pudding! Fine. I will! Oh, no. My pudding is trapped forever!

Pathetic. I'm pathetic? Because I take money from my 10-year-old son? Well, let me tell you something! I still call the shots around here! Homer, use your inside voice. I don't have an inside voice!

I'm sorry. Did-- Did you just call me a liar? No. I said you were fired. Oh. That's much worse.

And then take that, and put that in there, and you-- There's your giraffe, little girl. I'm a boy. That's the spirit. Never give up. Well, I guess you're pretty impressed, huh, Bart? My dad got Krusty the Clown to personally appear at my party.

Nyah-nyah, nyah-nyah, la, la, la... D'oh! Let go! Mmmmm... ohh... ahh...

Uh, there are no other balls. just these, uh, reptile eggs! Oh, step away! They're endangered. These aren't reptile eggs. You've been cheating! No matter where Mr. Burns hits the ball, you put a fresh one on the green! Cheating? For me?

Hey, how did I get out here? Hurt everyone. Did Ga Ga just say "Hurt everyone"? Ga Ga-- Cute name.

I'm your daughter. What? I finally found my daddy. Ohh! I think I just "seltzered" myself. Shut up, Updike!

No one's ever won Moe’s "drink a gallon of gin" challenge. And no one ever will. Ah, life is good.

Ugh! Ew! I kissed that sad weird kid! My beer! You never had a chance to become my urine. (SOBBING) Why you little... (CHOKING)

Arnie Pie in the Sky with the morning commute. Traffic this morning is as bad as it gets. Due to a fire at the army testing lab, a bunch of escaped, infected monkeys are roaming the expressway. Despite the sweltering heat, don't unroll your windows, 'cause those monkeys seem confused and irritable.

- Protein deficiency? - No. - Pneumonoultramicroscopic- silicovolcanoconiosis? - No. Unsatisfying sex life? N-- Yes! But, please, don't you say that word. What? Sex!

Oh. You mind if I tag along? I'm kind of a crime buff.

Five, 23, skidoo. Hut, hut! Oh!

It works at so many levels. Roll it again.

Hey, that's my Madonna gag. That guy stole my gag.

I give you our 39th president, jimmy Carter.

Anybody lose their glasses? Last chance. Whoo-hoo! The sum of the square roots of any two sides of an isosceles triangle... is equal to the square root of the remaining side. - That's a right triangle, ya idiot! - D'oh!

That barkeep's a no-good cheat! Cheat? Eh-- All right. We've all got derringers. Now let's just put 'em away. Nobody here is a cheat. Cheat? Aw, geez.

Pepito, the biggest cat in the whole wide world...

Oh, you never want to spend any time with me, but I can help you with your lovin' problem. I got a home remedy that'll put the dowsers back in your trousers. Legend has it my great-grandpappy...

Well, there's nothing scarier than having to go to school.

Okay, okay, Milhouse's grandmother lives on 257th Street, and I'm on 3rd. Ohh.

If you really wanted us to be neater, you'd serve us out of one long bowl. You're talking about a trough. We're not going to eat from a trough. And another thing. It's only 5:15. Why are you in your underwear? Hey, this ain't the Ritz.

Uuh! I'm not the thief. The government is. Every year you make hardworking joes like my reporter friend here pay income taxes. And for what? Aid to ungrateful foreigners, do-nothing nuclear missiles, tomb polish for some unknown soldier.

Time for our weekly silhouette. No! Cutting out your ugly nose gives me a hand cramp! Oh, but you love silhouette night. And then we go through your bird book and make up silly captions-- Why are you all dressed up? I'm sick of this house, and I'm sick of you!

Abe, can I borrow your ointment? Oh, it's you, Malloy. All right. But this time clean off the applicator!

New feelings brewing in Duffman! What... would Jesus do? Hey! Hey! Hey! Whoa, whoa! Whoa! Oh, yeah! Yea! Eat, eat, eat! Eat, eat, eat!

I'm sorry, boys. I-i've never expelled anyone before, but that pig had some powerful friends. Oh, you'll pay. Don't think you won't pay!

Oh, and, uh, my deepest sympathies. Homer. That's my name. When I asked you if that dummy was to fake your own death, you told me no. You go downtown first thing in the morning and straighten this out. Mom! Dad! Bart ran into a door frame and bit his tongue! What the hell is going on here?

Mmm, mmm. So, to summarize: Say what you want about me. I can take the slings and arrows. But stop slandering poor, defenseless Blinky. Good night and God bless.

Well, kids, this is where you would watch itchy and scratchy, except they're on the Gabbo Show now. So, here's Eastern Europe's favorite cat and mouse team, Worker and Parasite!

Hi, Lisa. Hi, Super Nintendo Chalmers. I'm "learnding." Aw, way to go, Ralph.

Oh! I thought the Generals were due!

LISA AND JANEY: Miss Lucy had a steamboat The steamboat had a bell Miss Lucy went to heaven And the steamboat went to...

Wave of the future! That's right, honey. If you nurture her gift now, there's no telling what she can do. Wow, just think of the possibilities. Lisa Simpson has won the Nobel Prize. Nah.

She has the sloping brow and cranial bumpage of the career criminal. Uh, sir, phrenology was dismissed as quackery 160 years ago. Of course you'd say that. You have the brainpan of a stagecoach tilter.

The cure sounds worse than the disease.

What's the matter, sir ? Never have I seen you look so unhappy while purchasing such a large quantity of ice cream. The reason I look unhappy is that tonight... I have to see a slide show starring my wife's sisters. Or as I call 'em, the Gruesome Twosome.

Oh! God, my back!

Stop clapping! Whoa!

"At all times let a man be supple as a reed and not rigid as a cedar." Bart, my short, learned friend, the Book of joshua says "You shall meditate on the Torah all day and all night."

Hi, Poochie! You look like you've got something to say. - Do you? - Yes, I certainly do. I have to go now. My planet needs me. Wow! Poochie came from another planet? Uh, I guess.

The Court of infernal Affairs is now in session. Very well. But first, some ground rules. Number one: We get bathroom breaks every half hour. Agreed. Number two: The jury will be chosen by me. Agreed. No, wait! Silence! I give you the jury of the damned!

Look. The room came with a fruit hat. Hey, and a minibar hat! I'm Chiquita Banana and I'm here to say I will eat this Toblerone and I will not pay Guys, while you're singing and dancing, somewhere out there Ronaldo is waiting to be found.

- Simpson! - S h h _

My high school sweetheart was killed in a drag racing accident. Come on. It'll be fun. That's what Debbie Sue said. Come on, you stupid car. just-- just go!

Think of me, babe, whenever

Well, I'll be. The Itchy and Scratchy Movie. Come on. What do you say? All right. I think you've learned your lesson.

bragging to your friends about how you scored.

English - US - Line 21

A little nip of courage. Out of my way! Look out, you horse's arse!

Oh! She's going to be here any second. Oh, yes! That will buy me some time. Homer, you've got to help me. Okay. Seems to me-- What you oughta do is, um-- What, what? What, what, what?

Well, you know, Homer-- If tHere's A Job that must be done you'll find it's much more fun You'll find it's even more fun if you get it for me. But the beer Will taste more sweet if you get up off your seat Lady, the man asked for a beer, not a song.

Oh, come on! He's history's greatest monster!

Hmm? I told you this was a bad idea. All right, all right! I'll get rid of the trampoline.

Well, I, uh... You see, the truth is... I never had one. No Bar Mitzvah? In the eyes of God and the Springfield Jewish Walk of Fame Committee, you are not a Jewish man! Now see here! Do you know how much I donate to the B'nai B'rith? Actually, I do.

Don't thank me. Thank the moon's gravitational pull.

See, Marge? I told you they could deep-fry my shirt. I didn't say they couldn't. I said you shouldn't. Step right up and see Duncan, the Incredible Diving Horse! I wish people would stop telling me to "step right up." Looks like he's ready to dive, folks!

Thank you, SpringShield! Friend? The only friend you need is SpringShield. Monster put in wallet. That commercial is very effective. You know, the old lady's apartment was actually Lenny's.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Take your medicine, ya lush, ya.

but I'm goin' in for surgery tomorrow, and I wondered if I could rub the angel with my foot for good luck. - It's foot surgery. - Hey, i'm trying to eat here! Beat it, peg leg! jackass! Marge.

Excuse me, ma'am. Where are the lampshades? Ma'am? Oh! I've killed her! It's all happening again!

After Chernobyl, my penis is falling off. And "penis" is Russian for-- Moe, we want our bar back! Yeah, this place is crazy! All these beautiful people make us feel like losers. You'd be having a great time if you'd stayed in your dark spot.

With that hatch open, we'll burn up on reentry! That's it! If I go, I'm taking you to hell with me.

He spanked you? You? Bart Simpson? I begged him to stop, but he said it was for the good of the nation. Big deal! When I was a pup, we got spanked by presidents till the cows came home. Grover Cleveland spanked me on two nonconsecutive occasions! Grampa, I know in your day spanking was common,

f Bird Shheks f

Shut up! Screw you guys!

The Fox network has sunk to a new low. Lisa, you got a letter. It's from my pen pal, Anya. Dear Lisa-- As I write this, I am very sad. Our president has been overthrown and-- Replaced by the benevolent General Krull.

(WOMAN SCREAMS) (THEME PLAYED IN SINISTER TUNE)

Dad? Pie Man is not your father, little girl. I murdered your father.

Will cash be okay?

Use your main finger on the yellow side and your other finger... on the orange side, and turn it.

Here's your host, Kent Brockman. Good evening. Did you know that 34 million american adults are obese? That excess blubber could fill two-fifths of the Grand Canyon. That may not sound impressive but keep in mind, it is a very big canyon.

The lemon tree's gone!

if I ever get ahold of you, I'll sink my teeth into your cheek and rip your face off ! You'll do what, young man ? What-What ? Wait. Who is this ? I think the real question is who is this and where is Homer Simpson ? Whoa, whoa. Sorry. Principal Skinner, sorry. It's a bad connection, I think. It's for you. I think Bart's in trouble again.

Ew! Ugh! What is it?

Oh, good. He can grab onto them pointy rocks. Oh, no. Them rocks broke his arms and legs! Oh, good. Those helpful beavers are swimming out to save him. Oh, no. They're biting him and stealing his pants. Good lord! He'll be sucked into the turbine.

Seymour! Mother.

I'm really more of a chum. What about you, Lenny? I'm a crony. Carl? I'd say acquaintance. Colleague. Sympathizer. Compadre. Associate. Contemporary. I'm a well-wisher, in that I don't wish you any specific harm.

You can't take my Emmy. You know the rules: awards for entertainment are contraband. No Emmys, no Oscars, not even a Golden Globe. But kismet be kind, well as cruel. I received an answer to my letter... from the prison pen pal program.

And won't that be wonderful, Homer ? Oh, yes, Doctor. - Whoa ! - Aaah ! - How could you shock your little sister ? - My finger slipped. So did mine. Aaaah ! Bart, Lisa, stop that.

There was nothing in Al Capone's vault But it wasn't Geraldo's fault D'oh! Look what I got! Now people will stop intentionally ramming our car! Mmm. Baby on board.

Whoa! A talking dog. What were you guys smokin' when you came up with that?

It's smoke! It smells like the art teacher's office. Smoke on the water Da, da, da-da da, da, da, da Uh-oh. Da, da, da Da, da

And he'd been up for three days. SMITHERS: Homer Simpson, report to Mr. Burns' office immediately. Ahhh! (WHIMPERING) (ALL LAUGHING) What a delightful practically-based joke.

And now, the winner of the grand prize. Barney Gumble! What?

And that was "Kung Fu Fighting." Say, speaking of one-trick ponies, whatever happened to that "I didn't do it" kid? Boy, did that get old fast. Whoa! You know, if you wanna last in this business, you gotta stay fresh.

Hey, wait. Come back! Oh. A ghost train! And so little time to get out of the way. Now less. Now none! D'oh! Hey. Get off the course, you bum!

Yeah! Homer, I thought you were only gonna do this day care thing... till your knee was better. Yes. But then I discovered the joys of raising children. What about us? Don't worry, honey. You'll have children of your own someday. Then you'll know my joy.

He tripped my boy!

Huh? This is Becky. She's in the second grade. Hi, Becky. Thanks for coming out. "See ya." He writes the way people talk!

Mr. Groening, will you autograph my Bender doll? Sure. I'm happy to give anyone my autograph anytime or anywhere. On the street, in a store or on my private property. But why be happy with just an autograph? What about an original sketch or snippet of my hair? And don't forget to pull my beard. They say it's good luck.

You're damaging the equipment.

One of the stills-- Uh, nothing, Marge. I think it must've been that bean I had for dinner. Kaboom! Blam! Oh, excuse me again, dear. Homer, there's no point in pretending you're making those noises. Your homemade liquor is exploding again.

Hello! Hello! You have my pills! Hello? I'm cold, and there are wolves after me.

Wait. What happened here ? Well, my faithful dog... was bringing me my shoes, and they fell apart in his mouth.

Good morning, consumers. The Springfield Mall is now open for your spending needs. Hmm ? Uh... no. Too salty. Um... nah. Hmm ? Nah, too corny. Too exciting.

Oh! A lima bean that looks just like the Leader! I'll put it with the others. Homer, you know I always try to put the best face on everything, but there's no face on that damn bean! We hate it here! And your family wants to leave.

Pipe down in there, Hutz!

Going somewhere? Wha--

Ah, they remembered my birthday. Come on, come on, come on, come on. Start, damn you! Start! Happy birthday to me happy birthday to me

These dark spots in his pulmonary arteries are malted milk balls. His liver looks healthy. Mmm-hmm.

Silence in my courtroom! Grand theft auto?

Johnny Tightlips, where'd they hit you? I ain't sayin' nothin'. But what do I tell the doctor? Tell him to suck a lemon.

Mom! Dad! Don't turn on the light! Don't turn on the light!

Apu, where's your bathroom?

Hey. Where is everybody? Hey. There's a bug that looks like Dad. Let's kill it. Okay.

Good, 'cause I got a hot date tonight. A date. Dinner with friends. Dinner alone. Watching TV alone. All right! I'm gonna sit at home and ogle the ladies... in the Victoria Secret Catalog. Sears Catalog.

What's it like, Bart? Bart? Bart? Give me that!

Oh, I like his energy. Put him on the callback list. Clang, clang, clang went the trolley Ring, ring, ring went the bell - Zing, Zing, zing went my heart strings-- Thank you! Give the bully an extra point.

Listen, ya lousy bum. If I ever get a hold of you, I'll cut your belly open.

Ay. Que dÍa miserable a trabajo. Primero, el ataque del "woodpeckero" loco. Luego, un "desastro" de electricidad.

which is now spewing noxious debris into the air. How male. ALL: Mmm-hmm. With me is my 8-year-old camera girl, Lisa Simpson. She's taken my daughter to an erupting volcano? That's it! She is off the Christmas card list! Marge, that's crazy talk!

Got any fruits or vegetables? Hey! Mr. Wimbley, it happened again.

Beautiful. Well, Marge, should I whack slow or fast? Slow, then fast. - Uh-oh. - Dad, please.

I know I really shouldn't, but when am I gonna be here again? Whee!

You know what will cool this place down? A little touch of winter. Dad, no! We're trying to conserve energy.

I'm an ugmo. Now, that's not true. You're cute as a bug's ear. Fathers have to say that stuff. Dad, am I cute as a bug's ear? - No! You're homely as a mule's butt! - There. See? I'd like to be alone, please.

The best photographs, or "photos," will be prominently displayed in the school lobby all year long. (BOTH GULP) (WIND CHIMES CHIMING) (GASPING EAGERLY) (GASPS) (SCREAMS) After them! Oh! I love you, dumpster buns!

And it was a baby ox. He's right, you know. About the ox? About everything, damn it! Hey, Homer, wait up! I want to die too!

Don't worry. He's taken a million of these capsules.

Well, maybe in an older student's biology classroom, but that's none of my business. Elementary school is where I wound up, and it's too late to do anything about that. Frankly, I'm starting to regret skipping you ahead.

Mark! Mark! Mark! Mark! Pick me! My whole life has been leading to this moment. Like hell it has. If anybody's gonna play Obi, it's me. Step away, foolish amateurs. Just keep back. Keep out of it. The role is mine. With the acting and the groupies and the "Luke, Luke, save me"... with the light saber and the "vwing, vwing, vwing."

Exactly. D'oh! - Next! - ¡Excellente! Es muy bueno. Oh, it's hopeless. I'll have to play myself.

jealous? Well, no. We've got the same chair. You're jealous. Your membership pack.

And just feast your ears on this tantalizing testimonial... from my own flesh and blood, the son who puts the fun in Simpson and Son, my son, Barney! I used to be a fat, disgusting slob. That medicine seems to be givin' your son a lot of gas.

Apu, I see you're not in church. Oh, but I am. I have a shrine to Ganesha, the god of worldly wisdom located in the employee lounge. Hey, Ganesha, want a peanut? Please do not offer my god a peanut. No offense, Apu, but when they were handing out religions, you must've been out taking a whiz. Mr. Simpson, please pay for your purchases and get out and come again.

We'll see. That always means no. Mmm! Where's your mother? I gotta get to Moe's. Dad, Mom's been driving everyone everywhere. Why don't you take public transportation? Public transportation is for jerks and lesbians. Oh, I guess I'll walk. Stupid walking.

Captain, can't we go any faster? I greatly fear we shan't be in Wimbledon by noonfall. No worries, madam. Lumley, shovel on more dogs, won't you? Aye, aye. More dogs! More dogs! In you go!

Maybe so. But Lou here says you were resisting arrest.

from inside that volcano. Why are you so cruel? This vacation really blows. Well, at least we're past the lighting round. Hmm. I see.

and bet it against the Harlem Globetrotters? Oh! I thought the Generals were due! He's spinning the ball on his finger! just take it! Take the ball! That game was fixed. They were using a freaking ladder, for God's sakes.

We can't let L.T. blow up Mad! Tina Brown was just starting to turn it around. We gotta mellow him out! But how? We would need the ultimate chill-out song. And fast!

Stop looking at me. Keep dancing. Don't you know how to dance? Watch me.

I'm just sayin'.

Bart, come with me for punishment. You too, snitchy.

Shut up, brain, or I'll stab you with a Q-tip.

Ah, they remembered my birthday. Come on, come on, come on, come on. Start, damn you! Start! Happy birthday to me happy birthday to me

Now listen, Abe. I want to know why my money isn't bringing you happiness. Oh, Bea, I'm not cut out for the high life. Abraham, if you're not happy with the money, why don't you spread it around ? Make other people as happy as you made me. Oh, thanks, Bea. I will !

Do we need all those "mayhems"? We do. All right. Fair enough. I suppose you know your business. Get ready for fun! Fun! Fun! Uh, people are already here. We don't need to keep hustling them like this, do we? Will you let go of me? Where are you throwing me?

I've murdered us all ! I've murdered us all ! Shut up ! Shut up ! Shut up ! D-oh ! D-oh ! D-oh ! - There. Finished. - You are ?

We're all out of triple A's so I'm gonna whittle down a couple of these D's. (ELECTRICITY CRACKLING) You're getting acid in the bed. I'm gonna sleep on the couch. (DOOR BANGS SHUT) She sure loves that couch.

Homer! What did you find out? The only thing going on down there was A Lot of male bonding. More stink lines, boys. Hmm? What are you boys doing? You didn't see nothing. Now, beat it.

Wait a minute, Scully. What's the point of this test? No point. I just thought he could stand to lose a little weight. His jiggling is almost hypnotic. Yes. It's like a lava lamp.

Oh, memories! If this old place could talk. It'd say--

Very well. Trebulon Minor. Oh, I'm so bored. Maybe I'll clean out my wallet. Hey, my car insurance expired quite a while ago. (CHUCKLES)

Elmo go to wrong fundraiser.

Guess who, fat boy! - Marge! Marge, look! - Oh, my God! The doll's trying to kill me, and the toaster's been laughing at me. Eww! Dog water. Your doll is trying to kill my husband!

So, how do you like bein' Miss Popularity? Oh, well, you know, it ain't so great. Bart, it's the best thing that ever happened to me in my whole life! Well, anyway, I brought you a present. Look!

I think it's the bright blue pants.

Woody, give me a beer. I think you've had enough, Mr. Peterson. My chiropractor says I can't carry you home anymore. just give me another beer, you brain-dead hick! I'll kill ya! I'll kill all of ya! Whoa! Settle down, Normie. You gotta save those pipes for karaoke.

Monorail! Monorail! Monorail! I still think we should have spent the money to fix Main Street. Well, you should have written a song like that guy. Thank you for coming, Mr. Lanley. I'm Miss Hoover. Miss Hoover? That is hard to believe. Oh, you. I'm here to answer any questions you children have about the monorail.

I tried the coat hanger again.

Oh, I got it. You want me to stay out here and work on the chorus. Flanders, I am a patient, reasonable, handsome man, but even I have my limits. Now beat it. Why, thank you, Homer. It's a Popsicle in my favorite flavor--

Please prepare for our landing in Tanzania.

See that, boy? Why aren't you making any business deals? I'll do it this afternoon.

The only ship worth a damn is friendship. Look. Here comes the "friend ship" sailing your way. Ooh, here. Let me get that, friend. Oops. Lost a nail. Well, that's leprosy for you.

Boy, I got up on the wrong side of the futon today. Cavalry Kids? That's pathetic. We're the bad boys of nondenominational community youth groups. Well, surely there's room in this town... for two well-meaning juvenile associations.

Uh, I have a horsie. Wuss! Lisa, I'm glad you came. I know you young'uns think we old-timers aren't any fun, but we'll show 'em.

Yo! i told you to stop the music, dudes. i'm serious!

Out of the way. This is one invention you're not getting credit for, you inspiration hog. Your electric hammer, maestro? Invent your way out of this, Edison! Hmm? Hmm.

LISA: Help! Help! So much sulfur dioxide! I'm coming, sweetheart!

do you find something funny about the word "tromboner"? No, sir. I was laughing at something outside. She was looking at Nelson! Lisa likes Nelson! She does not! Milhouse likes Lisa! He does not! janie likes Milhouse! She does not!

Come on, Marge. We're a team. It's "uter-us," not "uter-you." Forget it.

Whoo-hoo! In your little faces! He's going the distance He's going for speed Because he's racing And pacing and plotting the course He's fighting and biting and riding on his horse

licorice whip I Said whip it licorice whip

Although I'm sure I will receive a wedgie from my bus mates I must remind you we should have been at school ten minutes ago. Uh-oh. Better fasten your seat belts, little dudes.

You kids should thank your mother. Now that she's a better person, we can see how awful we really are.

It was, Marge. Admit it.

She's been described as a woman in her early 30s,

Oh! You haven't changed at all! You're still evil. And when you're trying to be good, you're even more evil. I don't understand. Pigs need food. Engines need coolant. Dynamiters need dynamite. I'm supplying it to them at a tidy profit. And not a single sea creature was wasted.

Please remain calm. Stay in your homes.

I can't believe how much we have in common. We're both studying the environment, we're both utterly humorless about our vegetarianism, and we both love the Rolling Stones. Yes, not For their music, but for their tireless efforts to preserve historic buildings. Lisa, I can't bear the thought of being apart from you all summer. - Come back with me to Parkfield Manor. - I'd love to.

Homer, what happened to you? Marge, I figured out what I can give you that no one else can: a bouquet of po-- ohhh. I give up. I don't deserve to live with you.

Disco Stu knows his place. My husband's a power-mad star. Maybe now we can get that padding that goes under rugs. (SPEAKING HEBREW)

Ah! 206 bones, 50 miles of small intestine, full, pouting lips. Why, this fellow is less a snowman than a god!

Who rigs every Oscar night We do We do Thank you. Tonight we are here to commemorate... our glorious society's 1,500th anniversary, and in honor of this momentous occasion,

More tea, Edna? What kind of little boy has a tea set? I think we both know the answer to that. A lucky boy! You know, Seymour,

You little-- Lisa, no! Your hands are too weak. Stop that.

If you want to go right move the joy stick left. Yes. Move the... What's a joy stick? Oh, oh! Here comes a Xylon cruiser! Go into hyperspace! Wait! Where's the hyperspace? Grandpa, you're the spaceship. I thought I was this guy. - Oh! - Oh! Game's over.

I believe today I will try... Bold. Bart, how are you? How's school? Um, it's-- it's a lot of fun. Hmm.

So if you don't want to see crude, lowbrow programming disappear from the airwaves, please, call now. Hello! Murdoch here. $10,000! You've saved my network. Wouldn't be the first time.

Nobody pouts going into a jiggy. Yeah. That's stupid. I want to twirl! Aw, come on, guys. We've only got a few minutes. Uh-oh. - Everybody okay? - Uh, yeah.

Because. Because why ? Because I said so. Because you said so why ?

Ooh-hoo-whoa! Hmm, that looks entertaining. Oh, yeah! So tell your folks, "Buy me Bonestorm... or go to hell!"

Roofi he will show you how Visa, AMEX or MC Or make out that check to me! Give Daddy the remote, Maggie. Give Daddy the... D'oh! (LAUGHS)

Seymour, what's going on? What's that odor? Go back to bed, Mother. I've got it under control. Listen, you crumb-bums. If you think I'm impressed, I am not. I-- Oh, brandishing your buttocks is only getting me angrier. I want to see what's going on! No, mother! Don't look out the window!

Wow! Thanks. Okay, boys, I gotta go. Come on, Lulu. Let's roll.

What does freedom mean to me? All right. Root beer, bananas and toilet paper.

This match will determine once and for all... which nation is the greatest on Earth-- Mexico or Portugal! Can we go, Dad? Please, Dad? Please, Dad? Can we go? - Huh? Huh? Please? - Yes! Yes! Oh, God, yes!

You're banned from this historical society. You and your children and your children's children. For three months.

It's an amusement park for babies. Oh! just leave me in the car with the window open a crack. That's the plan. I think it's nice we're doing something Maggie will enjoy for once. Besides, I'm sure Storytown Village is also fun for everyone, from eight to God only knows.

Choke on your lies! I'll teach you to-- Homer, they must've made a mistake. We'll just go down to the phone company and straighten it out. Which phone company? There are hundreds of them, and they all keep changing their names.

Think, Connie. Think. Connie. Wha-- Connie. That tree! It seems to be calling to me. Of course! Apples!

Bart, Lisa, stop that. No, no. Now, wait a minute. Wait ! Wait ! Folks, if I could-- This is not the way to get healthy !

Ah, the sweet couple of seconds... before I remember why I'm sleeping on the lawn. Homer? Marge, you're speaking to me?

The oil is burning my finger. Oh, sure. Homer, do you know why I married you? I knocked you up. No, because I love you.

It's too late. Well, old friend, we always knew this day would come. Say good-bye to your brother.

More. Mmm! I don't understand it. James Coco went mad in 15 minutes.

Hamlet, what'd I tell you about running with swords? Someone's behind the curtain. It could be Claudius. Only one way to find out. Ow! - Ow! - Polonius? What are you doing behind the curtain? I hide behind curtains 'cause I have a fear of getting stabbed.

I love you. Will you marry me, Marge? You mean, I'm gonna be a daddy? I hope we'll always be together, together, together-- Together? Ooh.

Hey, way to go, Homer. Way to go ! What will I tell the boss ? Tell him I'm going to the backseat of my car with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes.

That's all right, Krusty. We're getting 50% of the T-shirt sales. What? That's the sweetest plum! You little-- Aw, what the hell. You deserve it. Thanks, kids.

You always say that. I want to take a chance. Collapsed on its own? You, sh--

I have nothing more to say to you, Marge. I'm drawing a line down the center of the house À la I love Lucy. You stay on your side, and I'll stay on my side. D'oh!

This job sure is easy. Now to press this button. Not again! Angry Dad, you're fired.

You're not doing this fast enough! You're fired, too! I'm... No!

- Can fix my car. - Oh, yeah. "Dear Edna, your photo took my breath away. "Truly, yours is a butt that won't quit. "Yesterday morning "I put your picture up in my garage to inspire me while I gapped my spark plugs."

He discovered electricity and used it to torture small animals and green mountain men. And that key he tied to the end of a kite? It opened the gates of hell! Well, let me know when you get back to horror. Will do.

Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Whee! Okay. We have our choice of Rectangle Land, Cube Country or Squaresville. Squaresville sounds pretty cool.

And then I lied to you all. So did Bart. Okay, players, that's a wrap!

Hey, Marge, uh, you care for a tropical drink? Sure. Is that Windex? It's Windelle. I can't afford Windex.

Oh, you did the right thing, sweetheart. Well, that's the first case I've ever seen... of a man suffering four simultaneous heart attacks.

Listen here. I want to join your team. You wanna join my what? You wanna what his team? I've had one of my unpredictable changes of heart. Seeing these fine young athletes reveling in the humiliation of a vanquished foe-- I haven't felt this energized since my last... boweling. Oh, man. He'll blow our winning streak.

Ah, my plan has come to fruition. Soon I'll be queen of summertime. Oh. King. King!

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you your moron. Ha-ha!

That's it. He's out of here. But we're the only family he's got. This is not Happy Days, and he is not the Fonz. Hey-y-y, Mr. S. Listen, you drain-clogging, last-cookie-eating collect-call-getting sponge. I want you out of my house. Heavy. What will you do, Otto?

I'm Artie Ziff, Marge's date for the prom.

Now I'm gonna find the real killers. Kids, that cartoon's not life-affirming.

Uh, ladies and gentlemen, uh, distinguished colleagues, after extensive biological and anatomical testing, I regret to announce that the evidence we have is... inconclusive. This thing may or may not be human. That's what he thinks.

Ah... finished, with 15 seconds to spare. Ah! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! What's the matter, buddy? The moron next door closed early. I happen to be that moron.

- Aah! - And now, the Funny Five--

Get your paws off me, you dirty ape! He can talk! He can talk. He can talk. He can talk! He can talk! He can talk! He can talk! I can sing Ooh! Help me, Dr. Zaius! Dr. Zaius, Dr. Zaius

It's true. A famous couple-- I don't need to tell you... It was Dwight and Mamie Eisenhower-- offered this advice: "Double your pleasure with a bath... together."

Could be a big opportunity for ya. I'll say ! Why don't you talk it over with your family ? Because they might say no.

(WOMEN SINGING IN CHINESE)

Roll the clips! Uh-oh. Ooh! Okay, don't panic. Remember what the instructor said. If you ever get into trouble, all you need to do is-- Feels like I'm wearin' nothin' at all. Nothin' at all. Nothin' at all. Stupid sexy Flanders! Ow, my legs!

Not according to any movie I've ever seen. I'm afraid you're stuck with your genes, Lisa. Hi, frozen body.

It's not like a game could hurt me. Damn you, "Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Robots." Can't we all just get along? Are you sure you'll be okay? We have orders not to fire on anybody but Greenpeace. Well, I guess that's everyone. Except Earring Boy.

Whoa! (ALL GASP) They're escaping! Seal the perimeter! I'm on it! Can't you go any faster?

That's about all the recycling-- I can handle today. Dad, if you just drink one more I'll have a full bag. Oh, but Daddy doesn't feel so good. There's gotta be more trash around here somewhere. Hey. Why don't you try the old folks' home?

No, Dad. It's to fight soil erosion.

Wally, Wally, Wally! Irving! Oh, Irving!

Sir, I studied under Ed McMahon.

What does incompetent mean ?

What a day for a stroll. Come on! What are you doing? Seymour, the two of us could make good use of this time. Indeed. You take this teacher evaluation test. I'll proctor. "Read the directions silently as I read them aloud to you." Look at those suckers in their metal coffins.

(JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING) So, when do they start singing? Well, the Playdude Advisor says this music will get a stewardess to give you a layover. I hope it's in Omaha. My grammy lives there. MARGE: Bart, can you come in here for a second?

Why'd you bring that up? It was an amusing episode... of our lives.

Oh, my God! What happened? They went belly-up like all the other Internet companies. Looks like the bubble burst. Bubbles can burst?

Now, that's not true. You're cute as a bug's ear. Fathers have to say that stuff. Dad, am I cute as a bug's ear? - No! You're homely as a mule's butt! - There. See?

We welcome you to the neighborhood

Oh, geez! I'll take a crab juice.

Oh, Simpson, can't you go five seconds without humiliating yourself? How long was that? Your clownish behavior notwithstanding, we have made a gentleman's agreement... and sworn on our lives to honor it.

(GUNS FIRING) (YELLS IN VIETNAMESE)

Yes. The madness ends here. Oh! If I had a nickel for every time I've heard that. I'm very mad at 'ou.

I got a plan that can't fail. Yiddle, my man, you're a genius. I love my work. Oh, the best charity is to give and not let other people know. But what if your example encourages others to give?

"What are you looking at?" The innocent words of a drunken child. Well, I'll tell you what we're looking at, young man. A town gone mad! A town whose very conscience was washed away in a tide of beer and green vomit. I'm going down to Moe's for a couple beers. I'll come with you.

Hello, Bart. Mom! Dad! Your family can't help you now. Oh, no, Dad's been drugged. No, he hasn't.

Huh? You did? Wait, man. Those are reindeer. Yeah. And it's your shot, Son. What? I'm not gonna shoot a reindeer in a pen. Come on, Bart. Be a sport and kill Blitzen, okay? Dad! Ah, criminy.

Used grease is worth money?

These Krusty Brand balloons are three bucks each. But get a cheap one, and what happens? It goes off, takes out the eyeballs of every kid in the room.

Bartholomew Simpson, I hereby sentence you to five years in juvenile hall! Well, I'm back from vacation. But I was just about to bang my gavel, making the sentence official. Sorry, I've already put my clown down. But I was just going to-- The clown is down.

Forget it, Lisa. I'm not teaching you anything until I get my money back. Now turn your desk around and stop learning. All the way. Hi, liar.

I was hoping it would be money. Hmm, dear. We're in serious trouble here. We're just going to have to cut down on luxuries. Well, we're always buying Maggie vaccinations for diseases she doesn't even have. We could cut down on beer.

i got the joy, joy, joy, joy down in my heart where? DoWn in my heart to stay and if the devil doesn't like it he can sit on A tack

Bart! Son of a-- Oh, my God!

Now, Flanders, I want you to-- It's impossible! I killed you!

Okay, we'll call it even if I can just have some of that big sandwich. Oh. I'll come back.

Ohh! Pure genius.

and the name of the dance is the peppermint twist yeah lollipop, lollipop oh, lolly-lollipop lollipop ow!

Take him. He's the one you want. Not the hair! Back off, you freakin' dweebs.

Oh, it's a donkey.

I wouldn't point fingers, you jerk. So, do you expect me to talk? I don't expect anything from you except to die and be a very cheap funeral. You're gonna die now.

More. I was writing a story for Harper's Magazine. Harper's Magazine! I have a picture of Lewis Lapham on my binder. (GROWLS) Oh, but I've been yapping about myself all night. Marge, what's exciting in your life lately?

Well, well, well, looks like someone's having a pre-Rapture party. No, Flanders. It's a meeting of gay witches for abortion. You wouldn't be interested. Mmm-mmm. (INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS) All right, everybody. Pair up with a Rapture buddy who will watch your back through all eternity.

Hey. What's goin' on on this side? Hey, Brandine. You might could wear these to your job interview. And scuff up the topless dancin' runway? - Nah. You best bring 'em back where from you got 'em. - Okay. Back you go... to waits for a woman of less discriminatin' tastes.

A smashed hotrod, a wrecked police cruiser, a destroyed house! I've had it with your renegade ways, Simpson. You're a loose cannon. But I-- And what really fries me is you returned his check! I'm sorry, Mr. Hutz, but I just can't lie to people.

Oh, yeah. Cool. Uh-oh. Eek!

Please, don't hurt me. Don't be afraid.

You want your mike back, local anchor? This just in. I'm pissed off. Hi, fellas.

Thar she blows. The catch of the day. Arr, har, har, har, har, har, har, har. Why, ye mutinous dogs.

Fine. I'll do it myself. That was amazing, Mr. Burns! I was a little worried when he swallowed me, but, well, you know the rest.

I am Death. Death? We don't want any.

and the night's Plutonian shore ! Leave no black plume as a token of the lie thy soul has spoken. Leave my loneliness unbroken ! Quit the bust above my door ! Take thy beak from out my heart... and take thy form from off my door !

Pervert! Oh, boy. That sounded bad.

So he went upstairs and knocked on the door There's a helpful bear on the 28th floor Twenty-eighth floor, twenty-eighth floor There's a helpful bear on the 28th floor Aw! Look how happy she is.

Where's Maggie? Where's Maggie? Hey, where is she? There you are. Hi, Maggie. I'm Homie-womie, the Teletubbie. And I'm all man, in case you heard otherwise.

Quite. Hmm. Ahhh ! Ahhh !

who's done so much for us without getting anything in return. Except a place to live and free food. Why, you little-- Now let's all raise our wine boxes-- to Marge. Hear, hear! To Marge.

Good evening. I've been asked to tell you... that the following show is very scary, with stuff that might give your kids nightmares. You see, there are some crybabies out there--

The next day, Mary got a restraining order against Joe. (LAUGHING MANIACALLY) Oh! (GROANS) Now Joe can't come within 500 feet of Mary. He also can't call her or burn his name in gas on her lawn.

who, if the winner doesn't fulfill her duties-- And don't say it'll never happen, because we all remember that thing with what's-her-name. Click, click. You know.

Folks are finally accepting their feelings and communicating with no holding back. And this reporter thinks it's about-- time. Of course, all these good vibes can be traced to one feisty little scamp... who taught us that if it feels good, do it.

Bart, you're grounded for a year! I'll just pay the fine. Okay. Three bucks. Why don't you publish your poem? Publish it myself?

We need something quick. My husband's eyes are really shot. Whee! Touch the sky, Maggie. Whee! Touch the sky! Dad, I've got Maggie. Who said that? Come on, Bart. While your dad gets his glasses, we'll go shop for your trip. Oh, I hate shopping.

Oh, poor Mark Hamill. That swarm of nerds is gonna kill him. Nerds! Get out of there! - Mr. Hamill. Mr. Mayor. Come on. - Who are you? Homer Simpson, nerd-buster, and I'm gettin' you out of here.

A poem by Hans Moleman. I think that I shall never see. My cataracts are blinding me. And they thought I stunk.

Not this time, Fat Tony. The mayor's office is not for sale. Can you, uh, edit out the laughs?

Well, I learned that I can make men do whatever I want.

Come on, Homer. You can't spell obsequious without I.O.U. I'll have to trust you on that. Well, Marge was always a good speller. Let's ask her. No! Don't tell Marge. I'll be good. I'll be good.

I saved your cat. Ow! That hurt.

The important thing is, we're like a family. Krusty, I-- Shut your hole!

No! I love you, Son. I love you too, Dad.

Now, the cat needs his medication every morning-- No problem. Can do. - and the furnace has been giving off-- - Right. Gotcha. a lot of carbon monoxide, so keep the window open. Cat in the furnace. Uh, you know, I think I'll take Maggie with us.

Thanks for driving us back to town. No problem. We were going there anyway... to pick up the new Spy magazine. I'm sorry. They dont publish that anymore. The world I "grewed" up in is gone. Oh, my special little guys! You’re okay! You’re okay!

Well, look at the wonders of the computer age now. Wonders, Lisa? Or blunders? I think that was implied by what I said. Implied, Lisa? Or implode?

Oh, no! Ned Flanders! He's dead! He's definitely dead! Oh, my God. We killed Ned Flanders.

My ding-a-ling my Ding-a-ling I want you to play with my ding-a-ling... This act is over!

We're gonna visit the place where JCPenney sends their damaged merchandise. No, thanks. I'm gonna keep on ridin' the rails... swappin' stories for sponge baths.

Of course, one thing mother blue jay can't defend against... is a set of steel tongs.

Well, here we are.

And I've got to share that gift with the world. Ow! Get her out of here. Why you throwing tomatoes at yourself, huh?

Homer here's a check for $2,000. I also wanted to give you each something for believing in me. Lisa, this is the first volume of "the Great Books of Western Civilization." You'll receive a new one every month from Beowolf to Less Than Zero.

Fine! I'm dead. Dad, get up. No, I'm dead! - Grampa, come on. - Dead! Dead! Dead! Dead! Dead! Dead!

Hey, that's just enough time to see Santy Claus. Oh! Why, Santa? Why? Oh, no. Here come the gulls! Nice birdie. Nice birdie. No! Not so nice! Ow!

President Bush is driving on our lawn. - He must be lost. - He's not lost. Looks like we're experiencing some blowback from the wig offensive. - It's time to hit him where he lives. - His house? Bingo.

So long, you stupid British twits! Oh! You'll never catch me! I'm traveling at the speed of wind! (CHUCKLES) Remember me for my police work and not the murders...

Sexyslumberparty.com? It's flashing. We better click it. (BOTH GIGGLING) Katja, do you think anyone's watching? If they are, they will see us explore our sexhood without restraint.

Oh, how I loathe that box, that omnidirectional sludge pump droning and burping-- Look here! That's enough now! I own 60% of that network! All right, break it up, boys. It's time for work detail. I suppose you don't like tabloid newspapers either.

Ohh. Mindy, we have to fight our temptation. No, Homer. Let's do it. Let's call room service! Oh. Someone is charging room service to the company, sir.

You suck, Johnny Rainbow! I believed in you! (GROANS)

Bart, children, this whole sordid affair has been a shock to all of us. But we must get on with our lives. Let's try to remember Krusty, not as a hardened criminal, but as that lovable jester who honked his horn and puttered around in his little car. And shot you out of a cannon. And shot me out of a cannon. Yes, we will never forget that, will we ?

Let me through! Coming through! Oh! Oh, Grampa, they pelted you too? No, actually I fell down at the Big Boy.

Mom! Lise! Check it out. Dad's on TV. Oh, yeah!

But first, let's check the death count... from the killer storm bearing down on us like a shotgun full of snow. Well, Kent, as of now, the death count is zero, but it is ready to shoot right up. Oh, my God! Damn you, snow!

For all the latest medical poop Call Surgeon General C. Everett Koop Koop-Koop-a-doop This is worse than your song about Mr. T.

Dad, Mom's spending more time at Moe's than you are. And they seem awfully chummy. Just what are you inferring? I'm not inferring anything. You infer. I imply.

Hey, kids. Batman. Dad, that's not the real Batman. Of course I'm Batman.

Aw, I'm gonna give your liver such a punchin'! People, please! We're all frightened and horny. But we can't let some killer dolphins keep us from living and scoring!

D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! And sometimes I got into trouble.

But isnt the dad Bill Cosby? You see, I gotta get back on the TV... 'cause with the Osbournes and the soft-core porn... and the dogs pooping and nobody scooping... and the-

How could you, Krusty? I'd never lend my name to an inferior product. Oh! They drove a dump truck full of money up to my house. I'm not made of stone! Krusty, this camp was a nightmare. They fed us gruel. They forced us to make wallets for export.

Would you like to do a commercial for us? Anything! As long as I can give the money to my son. Excellent! I represent Viagrogaine, the topical rub for bald, impotent men. Well, I am bald and important. Where do I sign?

Donald Trump? No. Arnold Palmer? No. Bill Cosby? No. D'oh!

Oh, no can do, Homer. I'm watching the game. Shave up not down, you idiot. Ooh, sounds delish. Let me just toss some jeans on and-- Wait a minute. Who is this? Well, howdilly dodilly-do. Hello? Hello? Hellodilly-odilly?

Huh? Yea. Hey. That seltzer ain't free.

Look at that. All the way to the end with only one push. That's the third game in a row he cost us, Homer. Mamma mia! Hoot, mon! Yee-haw! Argh, me mateys. Argh. Whoo! They begged me to join their team-- begged me.

D'oh, how I wish I had them back to sell for more opium! Who did you sell the swords to? The fat man with sideburns. Like that one over there. (GASPS) There's your Mutton Chop Murderer! Stop, fiend! (PANTING)

Why? Am I pregnant? No. It's a second wedding, honey.

Bang-up Job, Simpson, but I guess it's back to your trusty post in Sector 7G. You heard the man, Simpson. Ah, and my dear, dear Smithers. You're no longer needed at all. You're fired. Ta. You shouldn't have gone away on vacation.

They're professionally trained child-snatchers who are taking you to a maximum-security fat camp.

Dirt. Well, there wasn't really much dirt. There was a bunch of old paint cans in their garage though. Ol' Painty-can Ned! I always knew he'd keep his old cans of paint! Yeah! How do you like that?

3-6-17-18-22 and 29. Oh, no! Those are my numbers. If it wasn't for that dog, I would have won. For tomorrow, I want you to write a report on Copernicus. D-oh!

Ew! Now we'll just send this to the dating service, the chicks'll fall for you, and bam! The healing begins.

They'll love you just as much as I do. Thanks, Dad. Mmm.

Hey, kids. It's-- Hey. Why is it destroying other toys? They must have programmed it to eliminate the competition. You mean like Microsoft? Exactly. Come on, Bart. We've gotta warn everyone.

(BIKE MIMICS MOTORCYCLE ENGINE) It sounds like a motorcycle gang. And we don't have backup! We'd better lay low. But Chief, what if they like pizza? Way ahead of you, Lou.

Hey, Bart got any new tricks for us today? just one. A little something I call "Plucking the Pickle." I build up a little steam, and... I didn't do it. Don't worry about your wee fish, lass.

God has no place within these walls, just like facts have no place within organized religion! Simpson, you get your wish. Flanders is history. Well, I really enjoyed my time here, Superintendent. May the Lord bless and keep you.

Ugly. Ugly. Butch.

Lisa, if you could have one wish, what would it be? To shut myself off from the world and never be seen by human eyes again. Was your second wish to be entered in the Little Miss Springfield Pageant? What are you talking about? I sent in an application for you. I couldn't find a big enough photo, so I sent in... that funny drawing of you on roller skates.

is going to consume our whole lives. Alex, over here! Okay if the new girl sits with us? - Oh! - Okay, I guess. She's a little weird. But let's give her a chance. Guys, this is Alex. Ooh, twins.

This year's tree is just perfect. That old aluminium one was so fake. I couldn't agree more. From now on, it's plastic all the way. Bart, did you hear that? Could it be?

is erroneous. So you're saying--

What? If I hadn't have taken a stupid risk with that cherry picker, I never would've found you. I guess. Stupid risks are what make life worth living. Now, your mother, she's the steady type,

Mr. Simpson-san, I shall be blunt.

Does this whole plant have some disease, where it can't see that he's an idiot? Look here. Accidents have doubled every year since he became safety inspector. And meltdowns have tripled. Has he been fired? No. Has he been disciplined? No, no. Aw, everybody makes mistakes.

You can never be my-- Eeeeeeee! Sir, try to land on Leonard's carcass!

Eh, too many kids. Ooh. It's goin' on 8:30. I better call Maude and tell her where I am. Relax. I called her from the gas station. - Thanks, buddy. - Sucker.

What spinal cord injury?

Oh, by the way, today's the day of the big tournament. And you'd better win !

Now let's play ball! Ooh, and Lenny is taking off! That's a foul. I am taking the ball and going home. Hey! Hey, that's not your ball! The chase begins.

And another thing: when people come up to me and say, "Hey, little buddy." And hit me over the head with a hat? That's not funny. That hurts! Stop laughing at me!

Imagine me and you, I do

I love this show. Well, well. Look who's come to apologize.

Grazie, Springfield! He's a phony! Lousy cheater! I demand a re-race! I got a better idea. Let's have a fun run... on his trachea. Yeah! Kill him! Make him pay!

any way you want it that's the way you need it any way you want it she said any way you want it that's the way you need it any way you want it I was alone I never knew

Still teaching? Let's see. One more day at least. Bingo, bango, sugar in the gas tank. Your ex-husband strikes again.

15,000 Missoulians? Holy "schlamola"! What are you gonna do with all that "kablingy"? Well, if you mean the money, I suppose we'll just replace the items the burglar took-- Boring! Spend it on something fun. Go wild! Ha! Right, Seymour? Yes, something wild. Yeah, enjoy, huh? Get something fun.

But first, let's take a look back at the year 1928, a year when you might have seen Al Capone... dancing the Charleston on top of a flagpole. Yaah!

I call him Gamblor!

Big shoes to fill-- In ancient Greece, there was a school of thought called stoicism. Wait a minute ! You did it ! Excuse me ? Attention, fellow children ! Krusty didn't rob that store ! Sideshow Bob framed him, and I got proof ! Ow ! My foot ! You lousy, stupid, clumsy--

Bart, instead of fighting, why don't you try a little understanding ? What do you mean, Mom ? Yeah, right. - This oughta be good for a laugh. - Shh !

Wow, what an ending. Who would have thought Darth Vader was Luke Skywalker's father? Well, thank you, Mr. Blow-The-Picture-For-Me. Marge, you're as pretty as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda. Oh, Homer. MmM. mmM.

But you endorse everything. In fact, this endorsement contract... comes from your line of legal forms. It's a quality form. But those days are behind me. I don't shill for nobody no more. Are you sure? 'Cause we're prepared to offer you... a free, fully-loaded Canyonero.

Oh. Aw. Faster, Willie, faster. Now, we give 'em the bikes, no one sues. What if they're dead, sir? Then we ride these bikes to Mexico and freedom, Willie! Freedom! Freedom. I'll turn you in at the first tollbooth.

Ninety-seven, 98, 99, 100! (CHEERING)

Way to go, Buck. I feel my faith growing anew! Better get rid of this too. - Not to mention this. - Whoa! There's nothin' wrong with a little "Hey, hey!" Hee, hee, hee, hee! Fun's over, boys! Drop the hardware and mosey!

Time to pay for your two days of debauchery you hung-over drones.

Doh ! It's no use, fellas. Another comic book has returned to the earth from whence it came. We worked so hard, and now it's all gone. We ended up with nothing because the three of us can't share. - What's your point ? - Nothin'. just kind of ticks me off.

If you want me, you gotta catch me! Almost. Oh, so close. Bart! Son of a-- Oh, my God!

Not some hot-dog admissions officer playing by his own rules! Excuse me. What are you doing? I'm giving you the beating of your life! Look, if-- Stop that. If you wanted him that badly, why didn't you just say so?

Hey, und, dummkopf! Watch out for the CD changer in my trunk, huh? Idiot. I guess he deserves it more than I do. Well, at least I got to show you I wasn't always a pathetic old kook.

Webster's Dictionary defines excellence as "the quality or condition of being excellent." And now the winner of the first annual Montgomery Burns Award for Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Excellence. Please, please...

That was eight years ago. Is it Pittsburgh?

I'm taking him to Dr. Hibbert's this afternoon. You know how hard it is to get a doctor on Wednesday morning. Woolly Bully Woolly Bully Woolly Bully

Do you want to ignite my drink? You're kid's teacher. Single parent, are we? No. Let's pretend you are. Get away from me.

so too can the end of menstruation be a time of radiance and celebration.

Ahhh ! Ahhh ! Homer ? I like to think that I'm a patient, tolerant woman... and that there was no line you could cross... that could make me stop loving you. But last night you didn't just cross that line, you threw up on it.

His likeness graces a stamp in Tanzania.

Mr. Foreman, have you reached a verdict? Verdict? Is that what we were supposed to do? Well, in all my years on the bench-- 'Cause that's what we did. You juries. You're gonna be the-- How do you find?

You see, this is the stuff Mom wont do with me.

Let's come to our senses, everyone. This witch hunt is turning into a circus. She's the witch! I was just about to accuse her.

I can't believe it, Bart. I'd always thought jessica was so sweet. She's like a Milk Dud, Lise: Sweet on the outside, poison on the inside. You gotta give her up. No, no, wait. Hear my plan. Put up with her for seven more years, then we'll get married. Once the first baby comes along, she's bound to settle down and start treating me right.

Come on, Maggie. Maybe if you just squeeze a little. That's it. That's it. I-- D'oh!

(CHUCKLES) Church? I'd rather play golf on the holiest day of the week. Oh! Finally, a character I can relate to. I bet good things happen to him. But, honey, with recent troubles in the Mideast and other ominous signs, the Rapture could soon be upon us. The Rapture? Easy there, Helen. Science has shown religion is just an old wives' tale.

Ah, come on, Dad. This can be the miracle that saves the Simpsons' Christmas. If TV has taught me anything, it's that miracles always happen to poor kids at Christmas. It happened to Tiny Tim, it happened to Charlie Brown, it happened to the Smurfs, and it's gonna happen to us.

Look, I'm really glad you're off the wacky-tobacky. Yeah. You were gettin' all spacey and everything. We were gonna have an intervention. Yeah. But at the planning party, I got alcohol poisoning. I nearly died. I was already making excuses not to go to your funeral.

Uh, no offense, but you're a decrepit monkey skeleton.

Sir, if I could just break in for a moment. Yes, Roy. Do you have a question for Sandy Koufax?

What I'm saying, sir, is that a man of your carriage... couldn't possibly fit in our seats. I could sit in the aisle. I'm afraid that would violate the fire code. Hey, fatty! I got a movie for ya. A Fridge Too Far.

Well, I bet they miss me. (PLAYING UPBEAT MUSIC)

I've constructed a germfree chamber for myself. Not a single microbe can get in or out. Who the devil are you?

It's only 20 pages long, and this guy wrote it for me. What's your name again? John Updike. Whoa, whoa. I didn't ask for your life story.

Captain's log. Stardate 6051. Had trouble sleeping last night. My hiatal hernia is acting up. The ship is drafty and damp. I complain, but nobody listens. Star Trek XII: So Very Tired.

Bart, if you had cleaned up your room when I asked you to, your father's trick back would still be aligned. So, you'll pick up this mess right now. Clumsy Homer. Everything's always my fault. If he'd just watch out where he was going. Hello. What have we here ?

I am a robot. Do what I say. I am a washing machine. Do what I say.

Hell, if it was up to me, I'd let you go. But the lads have a temper, and they've been drinkin' all day! Ow! Ow! Ow! Stop pummeling me! It's really painful! All right, fine. I'll strangle ya for a while!

No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. Yes. Er, um, I mean, no. No.

don't bother coming in Monday. Whoo-hoo! Four-day weekend! Hey! I am above average. So what if Alison's ahead of me. There's no shame in being second. And now, Avis Rent-a-Car...

Do you want me to show this to the cat and have the cat tell you what it is? 'Cause the cat's gonna get it. I'm sorry. I'm not as smart as you, Kirk. We didn't all go to Gudger College. It's dignity!

(ALL SCREAMING) (GIANT FISH GULPS)

- Hey, how about a song? - Okay. Yeah. There waS A farmer had A dog and bingo was his name-o b-i-n-g-o B-i-n-g-o

Yes! Come on, you little horse! And they're in the home stretch. It's-- Wait! Another dog is on the track.

Obnoxious fad? Ah, don't worry, Son. You know, they said the same thing about Urkel. That little snot boy. I'd like to smack that kid!

And yet, I can't help thinking about poor Krusty.

from heaven right now-- Change the channel, Marge. That's our Homer.

Carl is Number 14. I'm Number 12. Burnsie is Number 29. You outrank Mr. Burns here? Sure. Watch. Hey, 29, get over here. - Wah, wah! - Ugh. Thank you, sir. May I have another? Oh! Patience, Monty. Climb the ladder.

You must be the three chiropractors I sent for. Now, start manipulating my spine. Hey, Moe, we don't know nothin' about manipulatin'. You heard the lady. Grab her spine and get crackin'. Moe is their leader. Why, you! Hey!

Oh, so the island's not for sale, eh? Well, will you at least permit us to live in your socialist paradise? You're talking about Cuba? Exactly. All we ask is preferential treatment because of my fabulous wealth. May I see? See with your eyes, not with your hands.

A rabbi composes, he creates thoughts he tells stories that may never have happened but he does not exaggerate. My father would have never suspected a thing were it not for one, rowdy rabbi. Hey, funny man! No, no, no!

What did you do to my car? Dude, you've been chop shopped! Why would you do that? How am I gonna get home? Chop shop! Chop shop! (ZAPPING) Huh?

to a nuclear convention in Capital City together. TV's there, bathroom's there, and there's your king-size bed for--

Sometimes I wish this dam would burst... and bury this cursed town.

I gotta go. Don't forget to vote. And watch out for the 6:12. Welcome to Fox News-- your voice for evil. Tonight we'll be interviewing the top two candidates... for Springfield's 24th Congressional District. For the Republicans, beloved children's entertainer-- Krusty the Clown.

Oh! Dirty diapers on strings! Ow! Ohh! Ohh! Ow! Ooh! Time to put this ordeal behind me.

Our little hero sure likes Kahlúa and cream. Quit following me, you coward! You heard him, fleabag! Get outta my bar! You're unsanitary. Oh, how precious. The cat's sitting in my dinner.

You dirty bast..!

"Myth: Cable piracy is wrong. Fact: Cable companies are big, faceless corporations, which makes it okay." See, the clown is a treasure that will last a lifetime. Cable. It's more wonderful than I dared hope.

Okay, no reason to panic.

(GULPING) Hey, look. A dragon. Hello, Homer. Give me your peanuts, and you can fly on my back. I'll give you... One! Oh, you are a very greedy man. The other dragons shall hear of this. HOMER: Hey, dragon, you fly like a girl!

You know, we should really stop hiring him.

Why stop there, Homer? My militia has a secret plan... to beat up all sorts of government officials. That'll teach 'em to drag their feet on high definition TV! - You're under arrest for conspiracy! - Oh! Oh!

I guess guys like us just can't get a break. Well, at least I can't sink any lower. Come back, diaper. Come back. Hi, Ma. And now, to read from the Epistles of Saint Paul, Homer Simpson.

Congratulations, Barney. And enjoy your grand prize-- a lifetime supply of Duff beer! just hook it to my veins!

I told you to trim those sideburns. Go home! You're off the team! For good! Fine. I still like him better than Steinbrenner.

Hmm? (SNORING) (HESITANTLY) No, that's wrong. That's right! This spells "dog." - MARGE: Lisa! - (SCREAMS)

Tonight we'll see Angela Lansbury walk on hot coals. Excitement, she wrote. How could someone abuse their body that way?

Well, since you're all such a big bunch of big ration babies, I'll just be in charge of the rationing. Look here, boy. The secret is to take tiny bites, like so. Mmm! Mmm! Mmm!

Hey, Krusty. I'm bringing back the-- You just keep right on driving. There we go.

My only joy came with plotting a horrible revenge... against the boy who put me there.

My fellow Americans-- as a young boy, I dreamed of being a baseball.

Whee! Whee! No! No! Uh, no offense, Homer, but your half-assed under-parenting... was a lot more fun than your half-assed over-parenting. But I'm using my whole ass. Dad, it's just that too much of your love can really be... scary.

It's horrible in here. The boys beat me up. The girls beat me up. Now, sweetie, you shouldn't hang around with people who beat you.

Throw this bum out. I'll throw myself out, thank you. I believe I had a hat. Suckers!

Oh, I always wanted to be a Teamster. So lazy and surly. Mind if I relax next to ya?

After this dance, I'm heading to jail. One of my stray bullets hit a Texas Ranger. But I'll be back in six months. Yee-haw! Blanks. They just don't feel the same.

Oh, his waggle is no match for yours, sir. I've never seen you lose a game. Except for that one in '74 when you let Richard Nixon win. That was very kind of you, sir. Oh, he just looked so forlorn, Smithers, with his... "I can't go to prison, Monty. They'll eat me alive!"

The man chosen to deliver this precious cargo to Europe... was America's wealthiest, and therefore most trustworthy, citizen-- C. Montgomery Burns.

You two screwed up royal. You know, I really don't feel like being blamed. I feel that you should shut up. You know, you really irritate me, Skinner. What with your store-bought haircut and excellent posture. - Mister, I can't stand the sound of your voice. - Oh, really? Oh, now, now. There's no need to resort to violence.

Hey, get away from that! Leave him alone! It said I was gay! You all right, Grampa? Oh, daiSy, dais--

Shut up! Shut up! Kiss my butt! Go to hell! Dad, I promise I will never get tired of this.

Mikhail, they put a wig on my head, my memoirs got-- George, this is the last straw! You apologize to Homer right now! But, Bar, we can't show any weakness in front of the Russians. George!

- Ow. - Hee-hee-hee. - Ow. - Hee-hee-hee. This is a rather lifeless outing. Don't worry. They're building to something. Oww. Hee-hee-hee. Kids, say no to drugs!

Homer, God didn't set your house on fire. No, but he was working in the hearts of your friends and neighbors... when they went to your aid, be they Christian, jew or... miscellaneous. Hindu. There are 700 million of us. Aw, that's super.

- Simpson! - S h h _

"Yvan eht nioj." They keep saying that. Wait. What was that? Uncle Sam? Let me play this backwards.

Well, yes and no. Mostly no.

Well, friend, you're going back where you came from-- the curb in front of Flanders's house.

Hmm. Yes! Check it out, fat-wad. I'm better than you, and I'm only 10.

Kids, you tried your best, and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try. Right in the butt. That was great.

Martin, draw up plans for a coconut radio, and, if possible, a coconut Nintendo system. What about the rest of us?

BART: Then the man... (KIDS SCREAM) BART AND MILLHOUSE: Then the woman... (KIDS SCREAM) (KIDS SCREAMING) (SCREAMING) Well, it's better they hear it from me now than from their parents when they're old enough.

Oh, those baby ducks were so cute. I can't believe they let us walk right up and feed them. I need to go to the bathroom. We stopped five minutes ago. Someone knocked on the door, and I couldn't go. I'm telling you. A big, crazy prank is just what the doctor ordered. The dean will go nuts.

Get in the corner.

Absolutely devastated. "Absolutely devastated." The words of a heartbroken mother. For there will be no fire truck for little Bart, no sweater for little Lisa, no Cajun sausage for little Homer. So while you're home today...

I mean, I'm not an idiot! Hm. Well, i-i thought I told you. Kids, back me up. He's right, Mom. Sorry. Match point-- Homer. - I'm sorry, honey. - It's okay. We're none of us perfect. Me, Mae, Ma, moe, moo

You said it, Phil. It's the bimonthly Springfield sci-fi convention.

And, Marge, if your mouth-a get tired... Angelo here will chew for you. Yes. I like-a to chew.

He's cut. I cut you! Shh! You're cut too, shushy!

A coupon book? What am I gonna do with this piece of junk? Happy birthday, Dad. Wow!

Go home, Simpson! You let me down, man! Now I don't believe in nothing no more. I'm going to law school. No!

Vyachepov's loins oughta be outlawed.

Very disappointing.

Oh, Abe. Maybe our Homer could grow up to be president some day. You, president? This is the greatest country in the world. We've got a whole system set up... to keep people like you from ever becoming president! Quit your daydreamin', melon-head. - Quit your daydreamin', melon-head. - Dad.

Look at the outrageous markup. You magnificent bastard. I salute you!

Huh? Ow! Ow! Ow! So, you like doughnuts, eh? - Uh-huh. - Well, have all the doughnuts in the world!

Let's get-- Huh? What gives? Gentlemen, the nerd you knew is dead. Beat me, and you will be beating one of your own. Whatever.

Marge, better you hear it from me than some gossipy neighbor. Homer made a total jackass of himself. Oh, Helen, that's enough. Call off your dogs. But someone had to tell her. And I got here first. Helen, zip it. Oh-- Oh, please. Zip. Ziparoo. Tim. Oh. No beer, huh?

Ooh, perfume! "Meryl Streep's Versatility."

Now then, I am looking for a suitable young male heir...

Oh, Maggie, when are you going to talk? Well, don't push her. Remember, "'Tis better to remain silent and be thought a fool... than to open your mouth and remove all doubt." What does that mean? You better say something, or they'll think you're stupid. Takes one to know one! Swish!

And away they go!

Well, I was married once in an online fantasy game. We were thinking of having children, but that would have severely drained my power crystals.

Uh-oh. So what are we doing, a lengthening or a widening? Yarr. Uh, let's make it both. Garr! Don't worry. It's inflammable.

Testing. Testing. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Hey.

and call your precious dog warden, you old battle axe, because my dog is tied up in the backyard. There's only one family on this block--

Homer, give me my pepper spray. Aw, Marge, one squirt and you're south of the border. Mmm. Incapacitating.

Go ahead and laugh. But I took a chance and did something I wanted to do. And if that makes me a sissy, well, then, I guess I'm a sissy.

"At the second stop, half the passengers plus two get off, but twice as many get on as got on at the First stop." oof ! Ticket, please. I don't have a ticket.

No, I am serious. Yes! judges, there's your queen. Who's watching the Kwik-E-Mart? My name is Lisa Simpson, and I want to be Little Miss Springfield, so I can make our town a better place! Yeah! Clean up this stink-hole!

I can't see, you idiot! Take your hands off my eyes!

Oh, Neddy, why has God forsaken us? I can't imagine what we could have done to-- Oh. Oh, no!

Moe, gimme a beer. Hey, everybody! Homer's back.

The Murder House!

You don't have to answer that. Shut up, all of you, or I'll sue. Oh, save it for your next book, you little snitch. That's assault! That is assault!

Hi, I'm Gary Busey. (LAUGHING) I'm here to explain about restraining orders.

You've got to get him out of there. Geez, I'd like to, but if they don't kill the intruder, it's really bad for their society. - They're gonna kill him? - Eventually. First they'll eat his skin. Ew!

Grand theft auto? It was an accident, ma'am. Don't spit on my cupcake and tell me it's frosting. What did she say about cupcakes?

Look, can you please just tell us... why you've changed the flight paths? Look, they were changed because it disturbed local wildlife... and their mating rituals. Vote Quimby! Vote Quimby! Vote Quimby! Vote Quimby! Ahh!

Homer is a fat load AUDIENCE: Homer is a fat load This proves Bart lied about being kidnapped. Not yet. Can we verify exactly what time Bart was at the show? (TAPE REWINDING) If only we had the exact date.

(GROWLS) (CHUCKLES) O Lord, why did you give such transcendent talent to such an undeserving fool? Because you are ugly! What is it about music that enchants us? The notes.

Young man... youve ingested a dangerous amount of alcohol. The only dangerous amount is none.

But you let in Homer Glumpet. It says "No Homers." We're allowed to have one. I felt so left out. Kids can be so cruel. We can? Thanks, Mom! Ow! Cut it out, Bart!

And she hit him in the head with a golf club. And? Don't you remember? He went golfing all the time, and it really bugged her. You said he went bowling. D'oh! Homer, I've coughed up scarier stuff than that. Grampa, why don't you tell us a story? You've led an interesting life.

Mrs. Simpson, you're in luck. Your sexual harassment suit is just the thing I need to rebuild my shattered practice. Care to join me in a belt of scotch? It's 9:30 in the morning. Yeah, but I haven't slept in days. Last chance.

Hello, Marge. It's me, Homer. Are you still mad ?

And may I say, a job well done, sir? Well, back to work then. Make sure to give those toilets a good scrubbing. - We want the old girls sparkling when I get back. - Aye, sir. Eh, you silk-wearing buttercup! All right! Three whole months of SpaghettiOs and daytime Tv!

and tell us a little bit about why they're here. john ? Gloria ? My name's Gloria. I'm here because johnny boy hasn't been able to cut it man-wise... for some time. Not that I'd want his odor of gin and sour defeat pressed against me. That's enough, Gloria ! Thank you, Gloria.

No TV and No Beer Make Homer-- something something. Go Crazy? Don't mind if I do! Stay away from me, Homer!

The monsteR mash and do my graveyard smaSh then you can mash Doin' "the monster mash" with ya... on this beautiful Valentine's Day. Marty, why did you play that song today? There must be thousands of love songs. Well, it's kind of a love song-- all the monsters enjoying each other's company--

Permission to speak frankly, sir ? Permission granted. Well, you are quite wealthy-- Thank you, Smithers. Your candor is most refreshing.

Fly, my pretties. Fly!

Dad, is it right to take things from people you don't like? Sure, it is, honey. You do mean stealing, don't you? Well, actually, it's not as bad as stealing, but my conscience is bothering me. Your conscience? Lisa, don't let that pushy little weenie tell you what to do.

So, as soon as you get back, we steal the car, right? Ri-- No, no, wrong. Listen. While I'm on the boat with the perfect alibi, you steal my car and park it on the railroad tracks. Then when the 10:15 train comes along-- Wham! Insurance company pays off 5,000 clams.

never-before-seen material from your favorite episodes, old favorites you can't see in syndication. So join me, won't you, for "The Simpsons 138th Episode Spectacular!" The Simpsons

but he's not some kind of food-crazed maniac. Ah! Oh! That's raspberry. Oh.

Do you understand? Mine! Don't look that way! I bet you don't know this one. How'd you like a Hertz donut? Hurts, don't it? Right. Do you know what a wet willie is? - Is it this? - Hey, baby!

(ENGINE SPUTTERING) I'm afraid I have some bad news, Simpsons. Uh, with the baby's extra weight, you don't have enough power to make it back. And one of you must stay behind to save the rest. Frink out. Oh, my God! This is the worst Halloween horror we've ever faced!

Dad, where are you going? Kids, sometimes when a daddy learns that a mommy always hated him... he needs some time away to think. But you’re not gonna get divorced like Milhouse’s parents, are you? Oh, no, no. This is nothing like Milhouse’s parents. Now, if you need me, I'll be staying with Milhouse’s father.

Hey, you guys want to go bowling tonight? Nah, we're busy. Yeah. We got, uh, things to do. Like what? It's a secret. Shut up.

It's not. What you mailing, Homer? I've compiled a thorough safety report on this plant. How come you're not giving it to Mr. Burns? I've decided to disintermediate the local authorities... and send it straight to the Nuclear Regulatory Commission. Yeah. And just in time.

No, I'm not. I'm teaching you about rock music. Now, Grand Funk Railroad paved the way for jefferson Airplane, which cleared the way for jefferson Starship. The stage was now set for The Alan Parsons Project, which I believe was some sort of hovercraft. Dad, no one cares about any of your stupid dinosaur bands!

Oh. Now that I think about it, it may be a little confusing. Many have died needlessly. I have come to make amends, sir. At first, I blamed you for squealing. But then I realized it was I who wronged you. So I have come to work off my debt. I am at your service. You're selling what now?

this film will scare the pants off of ya. Aah! Guys, guys! This is the wrong movie. Oh, wait a second. I do something really funny here.

"The Moe Szyslak Connection," produced by David Byrne. Moe, Moe, Moe How do you like me How do you like me Moe, Moe, Moe Why don't you like me Nobody likes me Eh, we can spend another week at the ranch.

That's not my Uncle Lou. And this man's not dead. That's what I've been trying to tell you! That's just gas escaping. Would you mind watching the kids? I'm kinda in a pickle here.

Okay. Whatever. All right! Totally st-- Gloria? Snake? I thought you were in prison. I was. I told the guard that I was going out for a pack of cigarettes. Then I totally stabbed him. Mmm. You're looking good, baby.

Six feet by eight?

MADAM WU: These are the famous Shaolin Temple monks. They pursue spiritual peace through mastery of bare-fisted murder. I've heard of these guys.

You've really done it this time, Bart! You're in for the punishment of a lifetime! When do you expect the ringing will stop? In about 10 to 15 seconds!

Sir, we've never met before, but my name is Mr. Burns,

Lisa? Yes? Help me into Ralph's costume. Showtime, children. Let's go. Okay, curtain puller. This is your moment to shine. Oh, it's too important. I'll do it for you.

Stupid bran producers convention. I'm just gonna say it. We havent had a good idea since raisin bran. - Let him speak! - No! He's crazy!

In a second, Homer. Lisa has some good news. He doesn't care, Mom. Sure I do. I just wanna have a beer while I'm caring. Bart ?

He's still funny, but not ha-ha funny.

They won't stop me from delivering these UNICEF pennies. Go, pennies. Help the puny children who need you.

Da..! Oh, you son..!

Bart, here's that cupcake you wanted. I can't help but think if I had just given it to you in the first place, this whole horrible tragedy could have been avoided. I know you can't eat it now, so I'll just place it lovingly on your forehead. Hey, look. They got food at this thing.

Got A new daNcE and it gOes like this and the name of the dance is the peppermint twist yeah

Could you stop thinking about your ass? I try, but I can't.

Mr. Simpson, you're going to be fine, although you do seem to have swallowed a number of shark eggs. Actually, that was before I went in the ocean. I don't want to pry into your personal life-- Then don't! Doctor, how could a little baby save a full-grown man from drowning?

Anyway, the Down Under fad fizzled... and the diplomatic climate turned absolutely frosty. Oops. Let's pretend we didn't see that. And Bart's childish taunting agitated the Aussies further.

Dad, that's the Old Spice song. It is? Well, that's a good song too. Run!

Yes, I see an eastern university in the year 2010. The world has become a very different place.

Now, don't you feel better too? He's giving them a bath! There you are. There you go, little fella. And you. Smithers, look. He's standing up. I've never seen anything so adorable.

Oh, hello. I have purchased the Springfield YMCA. I plan to tear it down and turn the land into a nature preserve... where I will hunt the deadliest game of all-- Man! Now let's play ball!

Hmm. Bottlenose bruises, blowhole burns, flipper-prints. This looks like the work of rowdy teens. Lou, cancel the prom. Arr! It begins. The dolphins are upon us. And only this old sea dog knows how to stop the-- Arr!

Take him away, boys. Treat kids as equals ! They're people too ! They're smarter than you think. They were smart enough to catch me !

Hmm. Mm-hmm. - Mmm! - Whoa! Careful there, Annie Oakley. I don't have to be careful. I got a gun. Well, you'll probably want the accessory kit. Holster. Oh, yeah. Bandolier. Baby. - Silencer. - Mm-hmm. Loudener. Oh! - Speed-Cocker. - Ooh! I like the sound of that.

Look who's a little cowgirl. Hey, Mom, look what I got! Oh, that's cute! Did you get it in the souvenir shop? No, that security guard is handing 'em out.

Now that's your third helping, young man. It's making you fat and soft... and tender. Mmm. Uh, you just cut in line, didn't you? Report to detention, Uter. For how long? Oh, about seven minutes a pound should do it.

Oh, yeah? What's a palate? Oh, it's a... special time in a boy's life when-- Gotta go! So come to The Legless Frog, if you want to get sick and die and leave a big, garlicky corpse! P.S. Parking was ample.

Poor Ralph. Here you go, Ralph. You Choo-Choo-choose me? Happy Valentine's.

Do the hustle do the hustle Did you know that disco record sales... were up 400% for the year ending 1976? If these trends continue-- 'EY!

(BARKS) (FEEDBACK) (AUDIENCE SPEAKING SPANISH ON TV)

Bowling ball. More underpants. Hi, Mom. Hi, Mom.

Dear Lord, look at that blimp! He's hanging from a balloon!

Dad, I had to listen to this jerk all morning. Can we listen to something else? When I'm driving the car, I get to choose the radio station. When you're driving, we'll listen to your radio station. I caN feel saint elmo's fire burnin' in me Oh, I can't take this anymore! Let's switch back.

I'm okay, but the Puerto Rican guy's trying to steal your hubcaps. Just kiddin'. I'm a nice guy.

And they don't have a Blue's Clue.

Hold your horses.

Wake up! What? What's wrong? House run away? Dog's on fire? Homie, do you think that the romance has gone out of our lives? Wake up! Marge, it's 3:00 a.m., and I worked all day. It's 9:30 p.m., and you spent your whole Saturday... drinking beer in Maggie's kiddie pool.

That's good. No. Let it out. That's it. Let it out. Send me to Maude. That's it. Here I come, baby. Oh, yeah! Bart, honey, I think you should go play with Rod and Todd. Oh, man. Why does everything bad have to happen to me?

just imagine what we can do with this place. Wow. How much? How much? Well, here's what they're asking. Oh, I can't afford that! Dad, I have a problem. Why'd you come to me?

And besides... So long, you stupid British twits! Oh! You'll never catch me! I'm traveling at the speed of wind! (CHUCKLES) Remember me for my police work and not the murders...

Sorry for the clip show Have no fears We've got stories for years

Must've been a pretty slow century.

After evaluating millions of pieces of data in the blink of an eye the Gamble-Tron 2000 says the winner is... Cincinnati by 200 points?! Why, you worthless hunk of junk!

Come to Duff Gardens... where roaming gangs aren't a big problem anymore. Now featuring the clean-shaven sounds... of Hooray For Everything.

Observe. A bike lock. Now just turn around and count to three. One, two, three. Uh, better make it five. All right. I got me a bed. Shh! Quiet. You'll wake up old man Simpson.

Hi, Mom. Hi, Dad. Tough day at school, boy ? Bart, what happened to you ? Let's just say I paid the inevitable price for helping out my sister. So, you had a little scuffle, eh ? Heh-heh. Hope you won. I'm gonna miss you, big guy.

when you grow up you can suck your pacifier all you want.

Remember me as I am-- filled with murderous rage!

Seymour, what's going on? What's that odor? Go back to bed, Mother. I've got it under control. Listen, you crumb-bums. If you think I'm impressed, I am not. I-- Oh, brandishing your buttocks is only getting me angrier. I want to see what's going on! No, mother! Don't look out the window!

Oh, my God! The P.T.A. has disbanded!

You think you got problems, look what I just pulled out of my arm! (GASPS) That's what we in the business call a "biggie." Business? What business? The business of being a dad. Can you hand me that magnet? Sure. (CLANKING) Can you do my back?

We gotta find someplace to hide.

Oh-- I hope this is sweat. Bart, what's wrong? I just had a vision of my own horrible, fiery death. And? Lisa, your brother's obviously had a nightmare. Don't worry, honey. The scary part's over.

If you can't find metal stucco lath-- Uh-huh? use carbon-fiber stucco lath. Ohh! Now parge the lath. Did you see the bubble? Yeah, I'm afraid the whole west side of your house is sinking.

Meet Maggie Simpson, IQ 167. One sixty-seven! That's amazing for a Christian. But my IQ is only 159. Maggie's more intelligent than me?

But, instead, that plum goes to Holloway. No. But, sir, he's a drunk. And a pill-Popper. If I could just-- Silence! And why is a cafeteria worker posing as a nurse? I get two paychecks this way. D'oh. There's no detention this time, Simpson. This is the end.

And with a lock on last place, it's Santa's Little Helper. Don't worry, Dad.

Yaargh. I'm so sorry. All right, let's keep this train wreck moving. Principal Skinner? I know him. He's not funny. Well, enjoy.

closed-captioned by captions, inc. Los angeles

she goes cuckoo bananas. Hmm. So, is it okay if I go to the Women's Conference with Chloe? Let me think about it. No.

Hey, Pharaoh, those half-pint slaves are "exodusing" as we speak. Well, I say good riddance to bad rubbish. Okay. But who's gonna build your pyramids? Well, we Cou-- After them!

But for once in your life, can't you just be cool? Yeah. Be cool like us. Coolee. Coolee cool. Come on, fool. Be coolee coolee cool. - (CREAKING) - (GRUNTS) (GLASS SHATTERING) (GUNS COCKING) (GASPS) Yo, put away your Glocks, man. Yes.

Let's see. Where is that map? Evergreen Terrace. There it is-- F-5.

We won! We won!

the s.s. Microwave. Ah, my crÊpes are done. The Doggie Doorman. Good evening, Rex. And Mobilier-- the chandelier for your car.

first you get the sugar, then you get the power, then you get the women. Homer! Huh? Homer! What? What?

Very well. I'll drive.

Oh! Great Glayvin in a Glad bag! That meteor contains carbon-based molecules. I may be able to prove the existence of life in outer space. - Ha, hal - Shut up.

(SCREAMS) All right, everyone. It's time for your Christmas "bon-i." Everyone gets a five-dollar cafeteria voucher. (ALL MOANING) And for your boy, a confectioner's card featuring a current baseballer. It's that rookie from the New York Nine. HOMER: Joe DiMaggio? Yes.

Come on, big boy! Shake the butter off those buns! Shake, shake, shake shake, shake, shake

They fixed the Coke machine!

When you're alone and life is gettin' you lonely Ye can always go Ach! "Doontoon" Next!

"He will not see me stopping here... to watch his woods fill up with snow." Hey, Frosty, you want some snow, man? We discussed this, and I said no. Now, here's a clip from 1973.

Dinner with friends. Dinner alone.

Luke, I am your father. Eh, shagadelic.

You can have these, uh, fireworks I confiscated. Some Chinese people claimed they were celebrating New Year's in February. Oh, yeah. Those guys and their crazy scams.

Barton Fink! Barton Fink!

Are you there, God? It's me, Bart Simpson. I know I never pay too much attention in church, but I could really use some of that good stuff now. I'm... afraid. I'm afraid some weirdo's got my soul, and I don't know what they're doing to it.

Get me Steven Spielberg! He's unavailable. Then get me his nonunion Mexican equivalent.

Captured '60s radical, Mona J. Simpson, goes on trial today on decades-old charges of sabotaging the C. Montgomery Burns Germ Warfare Lab. For those of you too young to remember the '60s, here's our stock montage.

Come on, Dad. Pick up the pace. Chew and swallow. No savoring. Must eat beef. Must defeat guy I just met. So much steak.

Oh, my God! Baah! She must think you're after her eggs. I only ate one!

Well, sir, "treason season" started early this year,

Gentlemen, you've both worked very hard. And in a way, you're both winners. But in another more accurate way, Barney is the winner.

You have the power. Shh!

Because nobody ever suspects the butterfly. I didn't burn down the school. It was the butterfly, I tell you! The butterfly! He's crazy, boys. Get the Taser.

Which was? I don't know. I guess I was just a horrible son and no mother would want me. Oh, Homie. Come on! You're a sweet, kind, loving man. I'm sure you were a wonderful son. Then why did she leave me? Let's find out.

You're King David. I love you, 'cause you kill people. Get yourself another hero, kid. I'm all washed up. Well, I guess it's up to Ralph to stop Goliath.

Lise, I've learned a valuable lesson here, the pen is mightier than the flaming bag of poop. Oh, it's beautiful! This is an outrage! Since when are public figures fair game for satire? Your goons did run her off the road, sir.

Me too. Well, now that the little ones have toddled off to bed-- I want this to end now.

But he's eating a seal.

Uh, sir, why don't you just use real cows? Cows don't look like cows on film. You gotta use horses. What do you do if you want something that looks like a horse? Uh, usually we just tape a bunch of cats together.

That guy's hilarious. I especially like his white shirt and blue pants. Wait a second. Angry Dad is me. Yeah. Didn't you know? You've been world famous for an hour now. You're the Internet's number one non-porno site. Which makes you ten-trillionth over all.

Oh. You wanna buy it back, Bart? Sure. No problem. Fifty bucks. What? Who's stupid now, huh?

Ohh! So full. Belly button moving from... innie to... outie!

Bring it on! ANNOUNCER: Hockey Dads. Commence fighting! Hockey Dad rules! Feel the drunken wrath of Chuck Shadowski! Dad, stop! It's only assault. Don't make it murder!

Feels like I'm wearing nothin' at all. Quit it!

Release the dragon.

(SIREN BLARING) All right, you're under arrest. On what charge? Making a police chief go... (GASPS) (GRUNTING) Get in the car. And don't touch those guns. I just loaded them. You'll have to arrest me, too!

Request permission to slink by. Permission pending. First, light our cigarettes. But you're already smoking cig-- You're really pushing it. Come on, Homer. You can't spell obsequious without I.O.U. I'll have to trust you on that.

Cra-a-a-ap! Homie. Be strong, Marge. I'm sure he's gone to a better place. D'oh!

Mm-hmm. Who called the police? We both did. Look, why don't you two settle down? I'm sure you can get another pillow. I could send it back to Taiwan for repair, but why should I have to? I've done nothing wrong. And I don't give permission for my face to be on TV. I want it blurred.

Skinner! (ALL SCREAM) (STUTTERS) Yes, Superintendent Chalmers? Do you know what today is? Today? Yes, of course I do! Happy birthday to you, happy... It not my birthday, Seymour.

Find me some good players-- living players. Scour the professional ranks-- the American League, the National League the Negro leagues. I'm on my way.

I'll do it this afternoon.

You may choose either the backseat of a Camaro, an airplane bathroom, a friend's wedding... or the alley behind a porno theater. I absolutely refuse to go along with this. But since I have no choice, I'll take the alley.

Eh, spray the boy. Well, ready for the big rummage sale? Oh, yes, indeed. I've got nothing but time until they fix that malfunctioning Squishy machine.

Hans Moleman Productions presents... Man Getting Hit by Football. Ooh! This contest is over. Give that man the $10,000.

Who rigs every Oscar night We do We do Shh! Shut up!

That comes to... 63 cents. Whoo-hoo! Dad, all that bacon cost $27. Yeah, but your mom paid for that. But doesn't she get her money from you? And I get my money from grease. What's the problem?

If there is any love left in you for me, destroy him! America rules! Our Beatles are way better than your precious Rolling Stones!

NO-O-o ! Take me ! I'm old !

A bathroom scale from a soviet sub? A suede briefcase case? Anyone who needs this kind of status symbol... must have some terrible emotional problems. Marge, look! "The world's best jacket." If I had this, it would show everybody. Show everybody.

All right, I think we've heard just about enough from Mr. Newspaper today.

So now we're not eating Homer? And thanks to that little girl, today you can find apples in everything that's good. Apple wine, apple whiskey,

Not just a county fair, not just a Europe fair, but a world's fair! - The World's Fair in Knoxville, Tennessee. - Keep reading. The Hungarians have built a giant, motorized Rubik's Cube, and the fair's symbol is the sun sphere, which sits atop a 266-foot-tall steel shaft.

Two, ha-ya-yah.

And why can't you be more like Eddie? He never says a word against me. Well, that's because you cut out his tongue. (MUMBLES) He's right, Chief.

Bart! Welcome to the Duff Brewery. Now, I'm sure all of you have heard the rumors... that a batch of Duff was contaminated with strychnine.

Psst! The best meat's in the rump.

We were fools! And because we rejected God, tacitly accepting Satan, we must suffer through the Apocalypse.

Hey, Bart. What? What's wrong? Well, jessica, I don't think we should hang out together anymore. You're turning me into a criminal when all I want to be is a petty thug. Oh, good. Here comes the collection plate.

Sir, this is a class two plutonium fissure reactor. If I turn this dial, the resulting blast would destroy the entire tri-city area, including that guy who sells those Blu-Blocker sunglasses people sometimes wear.

Oh, Krusty, how could you ? I know it looks very bad, honey. Who knows, maybe it'll turn out he was innocent all along. Earth to Marge. Earth to Marge. I was there. The clown is G-i-L-L-T-Y.

Money problems? Homer, are we in some sort of fiduciary trouble? Oh, Marge, my loyal wife, of course not.

You're lucky. You only joined the junior Campers. I got a dirty word shaved into the back of my head. What is it with you kids and that word? I'm going to shave you bald, young man, until you learn that hair is not a right-- it's a privilege. What's in the bag, wuss?

Hey, this TV's not broken. It's just unplugged. What the--

Well, then, I guess I'll just have to... get into the crawl space again. I hate it when he gets in there. Psst! Over here.

Wait! Dr. Hibbert! Hmm. Dislocated shoulder, bump on the noggin.

Well, howdy, Homer. Ooh, thanks for dropping by.

I can keep this up all day.

- That will make us feel better. - Oh, okay. But they'll have to be pretty damn miserable to make me happy. Looks like the Flanders are having a nice Christmas. Oh, yeah? We'll show 'em.

Spare me your lectures, ladies. Aah ! oof ! - Oh, no, he's hurt ! - Bad ! - Let's get outta here !

and I had to do it without tappa-tappa-tappa. I would have killed for tappa-tappa-tappa. Sorry. I'm just frustrated. Well, you'll never save Grandpa's farm with that attitude. You've just got to turn that frown upside down. That's a smile, not an upside-down frown. Work on that too.

This is even more painful than it looks.

Da..! Oh, you son..! Homer, I owe you one, buddy. No sooner had I shaved off the old cookie duster than a lady cast me in a commercial. These checks keep coming-- It's criminal.

It is time to settle the score. Huh? Aah!

I have to go now. My planet needs me. Wow! Poochie came from another planet? Uh, I guess. Hey, that wasn't supposed to happen! Those finks double-crossed me! Poochie's dead!

Sugar-- Need sugar. Aye. They're not riding the white horse anymore. My baby. Where's my baby?

Ooh... Battlestar Galactica! Fit, damn you! Fit! There.

Now, they may ask you to locate your town on a map of the U.S. So, let's do that. Uh, Springfield, Springfield. Right here. Dad, you're not pointing anywhere near Springfield. It's over here, Apu. Hey! What you doin'? Studyin'? Oh, I'm so confused. I don't even know where I'm getting kicked out of anymore.

Mm-hmm. Breakfast! Breakfast?

The scene of the crime. There must be something here that can clear Dad. Clue. Clue. That's it. Oh, Mr. Pigeon, I'd kiss you if you weren't swimming with disease.

never to see each other again. I hope I can find a man like that. Patty, are you throwing away your last chance at happiness just for me ? Yes. Oh. Thanks. Now, let's go get some pancakes. Listen, Barney, uh-- Aah.

we are the champions

I've been tenderized. How'd you know that thing would work? The sound is just brutal, and I figured reindeer would naturally be afraid... of their cruel master Santa Claus. I mean, wouldn't you be? Is it okay to come out now, Mr. Gay Man, sir? I'll do anything you say-- anything!

I don't know, but he's got lethal tuna breath. Ooh! Who does Nelson think he's impressing anyway, acting so cool all the time? Not me! All right, Mr. Smartenheimer, that does it. First you're going to give back everything you've stolen.

Say, that ayatollah thinks he's better than America. Is he right? No! Yes. For only five dollars, you can sock it to him in style. Right here! And for the man who has everything, a tie-rack motor.

There's been a shocking decline in the quality and quantity of your toadying, Waylon, and you will fall into line now! No. No, Monty, I won't. Not until you step back from the brink of insanity. I'll do no such thing! You're fired!

I choose to waive that right.

Good grief. This candy's terrible! Circus peanuts, raisins, nicotine gum, a library card? You got all the good stuff. And yet I'm still not satisfied. (GRUNTS IN FRUSTRATION) You thieving hussy! (CHOKING)

Welcome, Movementarians. Continue to improve our lives. I love you, perfect Leader, and new C.E.O. of KBBL Broadcasting. Homer Simpson, your family will be housed here... for the first 100,000 years. Then something might open up in a double.

Ooh, give yourself up, Homie! No, Dad! Shoot your way out!

So, "Y" equals "R" cubed over three. And if you determine the rate of change in this curve correctly, I think you will be pleasantly surprised.

Hey, I thought I had more stuff than this.

Already taken care of. Cappuccino, Simpson? Ahoy! Ahoy! No, you have the wrong number. This is 5246. I suspect you need more practice working your telephone machine. Not at all. Ahoy.

Super fun happy slide! No, Dad. Oh! I guess killing will be fun enough.

Well, Chief, don't quit your day job. Whatever that is. TouchÉ, Homer. My finest hour. And Marge wasn't even here to see it.

Fine. I'll do it myself.

"Do the message!" So long. I'm gonna sleep over at Ralph's. Oh! See, I knew you'd find something you liked about him. Oh, I found something, all right. After the beep.

Oh, no! Beta! Dad, you gotta let me see that movie. Can't you just give me a spanking? Come on. Go nuts.

Oh, man. The plant cut one. Bart, plants dont- Whew! - Ewl - Ohh!

Take thy beak from out my heart... and take thy form from off my door ! Quoth the Raven: Nevermore. Take thy beak from out my heart and take thy form from off my door. Quoth the Raven: Nevermore.

I hope you know you're sponsoring a celebration for a murderous pirate. A pirate? Well, that's hardly the image we want for Long john Silver's. Well, I see no way of settling this.

And it goes on like this. It doesn't matter. All I want to know is, will you make me the luckiest guy in the world again? I will. Oh, Homie, of course I will. Come on, you stupid-- There.

Good morning, class. A certain... agitator-- For privacy's sake, let's call her Lisa S. No, that's too obvious. Uh, let's say L. Simpson-- has raised questions about certain school policies. So, in the interest of creating an open dialogue, sit silently and watch this film.

The Itchy and Scratchy Show Mmm.

Hello. I'm an electric car. I can't go very fast or very far. And if you drive me, people will think you're gay. One of us! One of us!

And this is for pushing me off the cliff! Whoa! Whoa! All right, people, nothing to see here. Yeah, show's over, all right? Move along. As for the rest of you-- They're in my hair! They're in my hair!

Oh, no! Repo men! Laddie, hide behind that bush there! Mom and Dad aren't home, are they? No. They went for a walk with the Flanders. Bart, what's going on? Why are those repo guys taking all your stuff? The dog and I got a credit card, and-- Credit card?

Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Jingle Bell R-- Huh? Jingle bell what? Dad, it's a blackout. A blackout?

Homer, I need your help. You do ? Yeah. I want you to help me design a car.

He sure is if he can keep up with these party animals.

Oh, warm, wooly rock, you're my only friend. (ROARS) (EXCLAIMS) (ROARING) We're big! We're big! Which you mountain lions find terrifying!

Stinks. Piffle. DustBuster? Yech! Sir, I've arranged for the people of Australia... to join hands tonight and spell out your name with candles. There's a satellite hookup on that monitor. If you'll just turn your head slightly-- Bah! No time. Next!

Now, we're going to run a few tests. This is a simple lie detector. I'll ask you a few yes or no questions... and you just answer truthfully. - Do you understand? - Yes.

Uh-- wha-- no. This can't be what it looks like. There's gotta be some other explanation. I wish there was some other explanation for this. But there isn't. I'm a murderer. I'm a murderer! Then that's not the real Ned Flanders. I'm a mur-diddly-urgler!

Folks, we're experiencing... some moderate Godzilla-related turbulence at this time, so I'm gonna go ahead... and ask you to put your seat belts back on.

That's it, Bart. Oh, why can't you be more like, uh, uh--

Outsiders have kidnapped some of our property. We must respond with our deadliest weapon. The lawyers. Go! Go! Go!

I didn't know she was your sister,

To make good on this drunken boast, Truman authorized the onetime printing... of the largest denomination currency ever-- a trillion-dollar bill. Ooh, a trillion-dollar bill. That's a spicy meatball!

Dang! Double dang!

Oh, Abe. Maybe our Homer could grow up to be president some day. You, president? This is the greatest country in the world. We've got a whole system set up... to keep people like you from ever becoming president! Quit your daydreamin', melon-head.

A ghost train! And so little time to get out of the way. Now less. Now none! D'oh!

The word is "irony." Huh?

neurochemical research center at Fort Meade, Maryland for extensive testing.

The Simpsons. Ah, them stinkin' liars. Well, there goes Christmas dinner.

We used to have a bus. In a way, the '60s ended the day we sold it-- December 31, 1969.

J You took a 20-carat diamond J J And made it gleam J J Like a big spaghetti dinnerJ J Smothered in whipped cream J JJ f Orchestra f J You’re like X-Men number three in a Mylar bag J

Bart, let's stop this stupid rivalry.

I told you we should have bought more than three bullets. Let's just grab him.

Out of the way. This is one invention you're not getting credit for, you inspiration hog. Your electric hammer, maestro? Invent your way out of this, Edison! Hmm? Hmm.

Damn this casino!

Ooh, gummi bears!

Oh, I'd love to wear this someplace special. Sperlock's Cafeteria it is. What about the symphony or the theater? Oh-- What's the point of going out? We're just gonna wind up back here anyway.

Can't you understand English? Hi, honey. How was your first day of school? Honey?

It's all my fault. No, it's not. Yes, it is. You tried to warn me about gambling my family's future on some pig in a poke. I didn't listen. Homer, you were a true friend. No, I was a swine.

Nyung, nyung, nyung, nyung! Yeah, I've seen your Curly too. I know I really shouldn't, but when am I gonna be here again?

But, Homer, you have to get rid of that elephant.

Most people would say, "No, of course not. What kind of stupid question is that ?"

I understand that, Krusty, but isn't that what you said before the recall of tainted Krusty brand mayonnaise ? Now, Kent, you know that question is out of bounds. This interview is over. All right, family, I want the truth. Don't pull any punches.

12l I can bench twice as much as when I started. And look at my abs. Mom! Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo! I'm married to Joey Heatherton.

Mayor, eh? The Mayor. Starring Homer Simpson.

Oh! You'll never catch me! I'm traveling at the speed of wind! (CHUCKLES) Remember me for my police work and not the murders...

Miss Hoover, are you on-- Go home, children.

Hey, Bart. Watch this. Oh, no! My favorite outfit!

Oh, Rhett! Rhett! Oh, Rhett. Where will I go? What'll I do? Frankly, my dear-- I love you. Let's remarry.

Yes! Oh! Ooh! Yeah! i didn't think it was gonna fall over. Yea! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo!

Look! It's jimmy Carter! Could you build us a house, President Carter? We can't go back to ours. I'm sorry. These are for the truly needy. Yeah. Get your own habitat. Come on, Carter. Build us a house, you lazy bum! You have offended me, sir. I challenge you to-- Come back here! Why, you yellow-bellied--

title fights, the Super Bowl, and the Nixon funeral--

Hey, Simpson. Race ya. First one to the front of the bus gets Martin's lunch money. What? Go apple! Go orange! Go banana!

Wow, the Tooth Chipper. Ow! Ow! Ooh! Ooh! Me first. You can't go on that. You have a heart condition. Heart condition? Get out of here.

"Todd Smells." Oh, I already knew that. Look at the other side.

(BRAKES SCREECHING) What? Can't we sit on the couch without something happening? D'oh!

Hmm. Am I wrong, or did it just get fatter in here?

Mmm. More testicles mean more iron.

Hmph! Oh, sweetie! Hmm. Oh. Dont worry, Maggie.

I understand. Hey, what's that crazy girl doing? I'm going into the Gold Medallion Club with Silver Level Membership! (LAUGHING EVILLY) The hell you are! (COCKS GUN) So Mom and Dad are going to Atlantic City. But their luggage isn't.

I don't want you to go. Sorry, but I have to. Good-bye. Good-bye.

Two plus two is four. Two plus two is four. Two plus two is four.

Aah. Mmm. Pedals, people. So, Lisa, do you have a date for the Harvest Dance? This is not a good time. It's never a good time.

You're gay for Moleman! Bart, Lisa, welcome. I've been expecting you.

Nobody talks to me that way! I'm Homer Simpson, the most powerful food critic in town, who will never get his comeuppance! You hear me? No comeuppance! We'll be right back.

Bart versus Lisa. Who will win? Their father's fat and their mother's thin. And Grampa Simpson reeks of gin! Hey! That's Obsession for Men.

What did I just say?

Prime Minister Tony Blair?

their floors are Sticky-mart they made dad sicky-mart let's hurl A bricky-mart the kwik-e-mart is real-- D'oh!

Mr. Brockman, I need your help. I've got to become... a great anchor so I can show up my sister. Sister, huh? I've got a sister. Miss Big Shot CNN Washington Correspondent. Well, she's not the boss of me! Come in.

See ya later. Mom, is Dad gonna kill us?

Happy birthday to you I got a very thoughtless birthday present... from someone who shall remain nameless. So I actually went to the bowling alley... to spite him... or her.

Why is that man in pink?! That's Homer Simpson-- a boob from Sector 7-G. judging by his outlandish attire he's some sort of freethinking anarchist. I'll call security, sir. Excellent. Yes, these color monitors have already paid for themselves. Pink! I don't get his statement.

Hey, Spock! What do you want on your hot dog? Surprise me.

Lisa ! Lisa Simpson ! Lisa, there's no room for crazy bebop in "My Country 'Tis of Thee." But Mr. Largo, that's what my country's all about.

I didn't burn down the school. It was the butterfly, I tell you! The butterfly! He's crazy, boys. Get the Taser.

AlOha, oi Aloha, oi

Shut up, Homer! No one wants to hear what you think! Yeah!

Is that normal? Yeah, he's just playing Wiggle Puppy. That's a dog he made up who flies by waggin' his tail. I tell you, that dog has had some amazing adventures. Well, Ralph certainly has a lot of imagination.

And that was "Kung Fu Fighting." Say, speaking of one-trick ponies, whatever happened to that "I didn't do it" kid? Boy, did that get old fast. Whoa! You know, if you wanna last in this business, you gotta stay fresh.

Perhaps it's part of some daring new ad campaign. But what new product could justify such carnage? A cleanser? A fat-free fudge cake that doesn't let you down in the flavor department... like so many others-- Let me go! No! Stop! No!

No. You must not blame yourself, Reverend. You must blame that little boy. He started it all. Get him! Eep.

Oh, it sure looks that way. But at least Bart and Homer are spending quality time together. Is that a Long Island Iced Tea? Oh, this? Hmm. I think it is. Mmm. You're a pretty girl.

Principal Skinner, how's your transportation project coming? Oh, excellent. Not only are the trains now running on time, they're running on metric time. Remember this moment, people-- 80 past 2:00 on April 47th. It's the dawn of an enlightened Springfield.

Woo-hoo! Free cheese!

Well, if the crime is making me laugh, they're all guilty !

Damn, damn, damn. McBain. Yes? I'm not gonna make it. Oh, stop talking crazy. just do one thing for me. Get... Mendoza.

All right, I know how to handle this. just use a little reverse psychology. Let's go, Marge. Leave the baby with his little crib.

Uh, let me put it this way. I'm looking for my friend Bill. Have you seen any Bills around here? No. He's Bart.

Oh, my! I've never seen anything like this. How many more can there be?

Oh, we won't. Little jamshed, the store is in your hands. How I have waited for this day.

Note the cobra wrapped around the naked chick.

Look, Son. Edison was just like me. You mean the wild mood swings? No! We both lived in another man's shadow.

What? Ha-ha! Huh? (STRUGGLING) Thanks, Barney. Moe, we won't need you now. Oh. Okay. Well, I really enjoyed being you, Dr. Hibbert.

It's bringing love! Don't let it get away! Break its legs! Wait! You want an alien? This is your alien! Hello, children. I bring you love.

Get ready, Brazil. I now speak fluent Spanish. Well done, Bart. But in Brazil, they speak Portuguese. ¡Ay, caramba!

Ned, did you clip Ann Landers today? - Ann Landers is a boring old biddy. - Ned! I was more animal than man! My name is Otto.

Hello ? Simpson, this is Sylvia Winfield.

Yeah. It's a lazy, dog-dangling afternoon.

All you have to do is hit the ball here.

That was such an exciting night. Morley Safer has the biggest head I've ever seen. I really had fun. (SIGHS) It's gonna be a letdown going to school tomorrow. We have to make a pilgrim out of felt. Hey, I'm covering the UN Women's Conference in Capital City tomorrow.

Uhp-- telephone. Flaming Moe's. I'm looking for a friend. Last name: jazz. First name: Hugh. Hold on. I'll check. Huge ass? Somebody check the men's room for a huge ass. I'm Hugh jazz. Telephone. This is Hugh jazz.

KENT: In an attempt to curb copycat pie-ings, the police have organized a pie-for-guns exchange. The pies were immediately detonated by the bomb squad. (EXPLODING) Aw! Those poor innocent pies. Some days you just don't want to be a cop, you know? I'm gonna go turn the siren on. That always cheers me up. - (SIREN WAILING) - (LAUGHING)

Today you're gonna be a man, Bart. You guys gonna teach me to drive? Oh, yeah. Let a twinkle-toes drive Betsy. Right. Yeah. No, boy. You can't drive. You're only 10. You're going hunting. You ever been huntin' before there, Barty? Nope. Something about a bunch of guys alone together in the woods--

Your son is trapped down the well. You must think we're the worst parents in the world. Yes, that's pretty much the feeling down at the station.

Dad, the fish! Son, I'm still fine-tuning. Uh, uh-- Uh-oh. Uh. Uh. Perfect. Ah-choo! Oh, you don't sound so good. - We'd better get you some cold medicine. - No problem. I picked some up at the store.

Stand away from milady! Get in there! Defend my honor! Ew! Every moment I live is agony. Bart, you're getting vomit on my prince!

There he sits with a pen and a yellow pad What a handsome lad That's my boy B-R-L-F-Q spells mom and dad

Gimme the ball!

Doctor, what is Amber's condition? Oh, she'll be fine. In fact, she's already won the Little Miss Intensive Care Pageant. Congratulations, Lisa. You're the new Little Miss Springfield. Here's your scepter. Oop! just kidding.

Mmm, curds. And I'm thankful I get to spend Thanksgiving with my family, these alternative rockers and my favorite bartender. Aw, here you go, pal. And here you go!

And Scratchy Show

I'll get a bunch of monkeys, dress 'em up, and make 'em reenact the Civil War. Dad, that doesn't help people. Couldn't hurt-- unless the monkeys started hurting people. Which they almost certainly would.

Shoelace-- NO-O-O-o !

Hello. I'm Kent Brockman. Our top stories tonight: a tremendous explosion in the price of lumber; President Reagan dies-- his hair, says Gary Trudeau in his new musical comedy revue. But first, let's check the death count... from the killer storm bearing down on us like a shotgun full of snow. Well, Kent, as of now, the death count is zero,

I told you no one ever came here. So, Bob, where do we stand on Springfield Forest? Do I get my logging permit? Well, let me put it this way, jerry. Timber!

combined with assal horizontology.

Wow! I had mustard?

And Bart's missing, too! I've got a bad feeling about this. Let's check the suit closet. Zoot suit, astronaut outfit, southern belle, Renaissance dandy, country-western octopus... (GASPING) It's gone! That man and his foolish pride. We've gotta go follow him.

This better be good, because you are interrupting my faithfulness. Oh, boy. I took the tape out of the store's surveillance camera. Look. Oh, Apu, scratch and win! Mmm, that's good adultery! Oh! Oh, I am so sorry, Manjula.

The cannon. The cannon. The cannon. The cannon. The cannon. Sorry, Sideshow Bob, but it's her special birthday wish ! You're doomed, Sideshow Bob. I know we haven't had much luck shooting you out of this cannon, but maybe that's because we haven't used enough...

You love Homer and Marge. You are their son. What you are doing is wrong, wrong, wrong! Do you mind? You're killing the romance in here. Well, it was a grueling two weeks, but you have your son back. Ooh.

Cowabunga, dudes.

Oh, my goodness! Ow! My freakin' ears! Oh, let's go, dear. Well, I expect that type of language at Denny's, but not here! Aw, come on, folks, wait. Please come back. Please! I got a new offer. Whenever Uncle Moe threatens you, you get a free steak-fish.

No wonder no one came to my birthday party. At last the world is safe, - eh, Fallout Boy? - What's for lunch tomorrow? Next. Chicken necks? We're never going to find-- Wait a minute. That child has the exact qualities we're looking for! He's perfect! What is his name?

You don't want to sit with the rest of the scum. - I only consider you scum compared to Krusty. - Well, right.

The sweet love story that is older than the sea The simple something that dum-deedle-dum-dee-dee Now let's push play RYAN O'NEAL: What can you say about a 25-year-old girl who died? BART: I say bury her before she starts to smell!

Missed one, Dad. See you in hell, dinner plate.

he strikes the same rib twice in succession, yet he produces two clearly different tones. I mean, what are we-- to believe that this is some sort of a-- a magic xylophone or something? Boy, I really hope somebody got fired for that blunder. Uh, well, uh-- I'll field this one. Let me ask you a question.

Maybe I'll wear my hair... up.

Ohhh, what the hell? Muuuah! Seven, six-- five, four, three, two, one--

Tennessee Ernie Ford? Now I know you're dead. No, you just think I'm dead. No, you're dead. I was your biggest fan. Look, I clipped your obituary.

Hey, Homer, us hotheads here is gonna go tear down Burns's sun-blockin' machine. You wanna come with? Sure. I've had it up to here with these damn rickets.

TV's there, bathroom's there, and there's your king-sized bed for-- Hubba-hubba.

Homer, why are you laughing?

Can you believe that guy? He's in his office making a pathetic attempt to look professional. Hey, what do you got against Homer anyway? Are you kidding? Does this whole plant have some disease, where it can't see that he's an idiot? Look here. Accidents have doubled every year since he became safety inspector. And meltdowns have tripled.

You are... in grave danger! Aaah! You wrecked Hitler's car. What did he ever do to you?

All our money's tied up in this woman. If she fails, we're broke. If she succeeds, I have no husband. I don't know what to root for. You don't? I gotta go.

Well, Ralph certainly has a lot of imagination. Ah, yeah, the kid's incredible. I mean, the special schools are all over him. Maybe he needs some real friends. Sure, we'd all love some real friends, Marge, but what are the odds of that happening?

Ah, 433rd Street. My old neighborhood. Hmm. "Oh, yes. Oh, yes. "Capitol City's nakedest ladies. "They're not even wearing a smile.

Well? What do you think? Uh- You rock, Homer. Really? You really think I'm better than you? That was great, Homie.

Let's take a minute to meet our distinguished panel of judges. Skin-care consultant, Roweena. Syndicated columnist, William F. George. Token black panelist, Drederick Tatum. And Mr. Boswell, the man behind those infamous worst-dressed lists. Mr. Boswell, can you give us a sneak peek at this year's list?

I say Phantom Menace sucked more! I say Attack of the Clones sucked more!

"Gym"? What's a "gym"? Oh. A "gym." Ow. Ow.

There is a lesson you must learn. If it's about laying off the insanity peppers, I'm way ahead of ya. No. I speak of a deeper wisdom. The problem, Homer, is that the mind is always chattering away... with a thousand thoughts at once. Yeah. That's me all right.

Nah. They mess up my hair.

Hello, gas company? How poisonous is your gas? Wow. Bu-- Eh-- But I'm talking about, you know, outdoors with plenty of ventilation. That-- How could that be worse? Okay, permanent brain damage or just temporary? I see.

when you grow up you can suck your pacifier all you want.

And just now when a police car drove by, she ran into the house. Yeah, I don't trust her either. I was going through her purse. Look what I found. "Mona Simpson. Mona Stevens. "Martha Stewart. Penelope Olsen. Muddy Mae Suggins?" These are the calling cards of a con artist.

Good Lord! He's going to fire! All right! Scud the school, dude! No, stop. Think of the children.

Sometimes I think you want to fail! Shut up. just shut up! We used to eat this when my dad was stationed in "Vandihar." Take your kafta b'Sounieh and dip it in the labneh.

The plane tickets! Whoa! Whoa! Oh, I'm afraid this might be the end. Well, at least we'll die doing what we love--

Hey! Sorry, old chap, but you're proving quite the caterpillar in our buttermilk. Huh? We're shutting you down. Not a chance. No one can silence me but me! That arranged can be. Wha-- Aaah!

Or you could take something that already exists and find a new use for it. Like-- Hamburger earmuffs! Uh, well, I suppose that would qualify-- Thanks, sucker! All right. just stay calm, Frinky. These babies will be in the stores...

I love you even more than the butterscotch pond or the porno bush.

Now, Lisa, listen to me. This is important. I want you to smile today. But I don't feel like smiling.

But first, a man whose inspiring battle with Percodan addiction... is soon to be a movie of the week-- Krusty the Clown! I'll be played by jimmy Smits. Now he faces his toughest audience-- three Siberian tigers.

Well, uh, you see, the problem is you don't know me. I have references. just ask... Coach Flanagan. And ask Mr. Seckofsky and Barney Gumbel. Hmm, I don't know. I'm not asking you to like me, to put yourself in a position where I can touch your goodies. I'm just asking you to be fair.

Oh! Why did I have to stop at the railroad tracks? Better get Some change. It's okay. It's okay. I'm back. See? Daddy's here. Come on, Maggie. Maybe if you just squeeze a little.

Hey, Marge. It's that guy who couldn't get any off ya. How would you all like to take a ride with me? Eh, you're the old flame. Homer, Marge, I have a rather delicate proposition. Spill it, money bags.

May I upload your footage onto my website? Well, sir, I don't believe we've ever met. My name is Jeff Albertson. But everyone calls me Comic Book Guy. Well, I'll just call you "friend." Here's your tape, friend.

Twelve good men, and true. Good day. Smithers, release the hounds. Your Honor,

To pass the time, please enjoy this novelty pen. Why would I want to look at a pen with a-- Oh, no! Her clothes are coming off! Hey, you know who would love this? Men.

Homer, wake up ! There's no answer at home. So ? So I'm worried. I think we should go home.

Bart, this is just Dad. Uh, it's a composite character. Your dad, my dad, a little of Maggie's dad. No, it's just Dad. Maybe Angry Dad needs a sidekick, Know-It-All Sister! Can she have a pony? And the last line in the scene?

Good night, Marge. Oh, why didn't I take a picture? I had ten years to take a picture. Hmm. Funny the way everything reminds me of Homer.

Thanks for helping me out. You're a stand-up babe. Hey, check it out. Skinner's mopping the goo off his house! Wait till he finds what I left in his birdbath. No!

Homie, what's wrong? I'm used to seeing people promoted ahead of me-- friends, coworkers, Tibor. I never thought it'd be my own wife. Well, maybe you'd get promoted if you worked a little harder. Are you kidding? I work like a japanese beaver. Oh, really? I came to see you three times today.

Why, you little-- Uh-oh ! Now I got ya ! Aah ! Aah ! Boy must die ! I love you, Dad ! Doh ! Dirty trick. Okay, I'm not gonna kill you, but I'm gonna tell you three things that are gonna haunt you for the rest of your days.

Hi, little fella. I got some nice juicy flies for you. Geez, Louise. Look at this mess. I told that boy a billion times to pick up his jun--

Run, Daddy! Run!

Huh? Our next budget item, $12 for doorknob repair. Nay! Recharge fire