comb.io - Clips

Due to my hectic schedule and lethargic sperm, I never fathered an heir. Now I have no one... to leave my enormous fortune to. No one. You, Smithers? Oh, no, my dear friend. I have planned a far greater reward for you.

Ew, Bart! It wasn't me.

Please use the crack house across the street.

Ow! Ow! Geez. What an exit. Oh, man. What's he gonna do for an encore? Whoo. I don't think he'll be doin' no encores for a while.

Come on. Why won't you go out with Bart? He's a smelly, ugly dork! Please, "ugly" is such a smelly word. Who would you rather go out with? Tommy.

Hudson Brothers Easter Special, with guest stars Willie Tyler and Lester, and Nadia Comaneci. I'd like to hippity-hop on your balance beam. I don't think you understand the mechanics of heterosexual sex. Well, circle gets the square. TV sure has come a long way, huh, Milhouse?

Oh, my God, Marge. A penalty shot with only four seconds left. It's your child versus mine! The winner will be showered with praise! The loser will be taunted and booed until my throat is sore!

$17,000. What? Or you could just toss him in the woods and let the wolves carry him off. It's really up to you. Mr. salesman? Yes? We're gonna go with the wolves. Beat it.

Oh, that's the dumbest thing I ever heard, you stupid little kid!

No minors. Yeah, but I really want-- Sorry, Son. Although they seem strange to us, we must respect the ways of the Indian. Hi, how are ya? Hi, how are ya? Hi, how are ya? Hi, how are ya?

Nothin' at all. Nothin' at all. Stupid sexy Flanders!

So what's your story, Seymour, if that is your real name? Well, obviously it isn't. My real name is Armin Tamzarian. I'm an orphan from Capitol City, and those who recall my fight... to outlaw teenage rudeness may be shocked to learn...

Have you seen Milhouse? No. Now, go away. We're racing... for the title of the Champion of the Universe.

Come back for more, eh ? Hey ! What ? What ?

Hey, Simpson, wanna trade belts? Well, not really, 'cause yours is just a piece of extension cord. Hey, dude, he's raggin' on your cord. Get him!

Whoa! Time has ravaged your once-youthful looks.

Well, uh, see ya.

I serve you drinks. You yak on and on and on. And I never get one stinkin' tip. Maybe we'd tip you if you'd smile once in a while. Well, what do you call this? Sheesh. Don't do that. Who am I kiddin'? I ain't smiled for real since I nailed that rat with the ice pick.

Well, what should we do now? Hey, everybody, let's go sing at the hospital. For we've got high hopes We've got high hopes

No problemo. - A competent doctor! - D'oh!

I thought he was housebroken? Meh.

Uh, put this on and come with me, son. Whoo-hoo!

Oh, well. You can't stay in there forever ! I can try. March your butt right out here, now ! No way, man. But-- Son, if you don't come out, I can't hug you and kiss you and make you feel all better.

That's why you're still kids-- 'cause you're stupid! just tell me what's wrong with the freakin' show! Mommy! Um, excuse me, sir. The thing is, there's not really anything wrong with the Itchy and Scratchy Show.

Listen, Son. There's something I have to tell you about our robot.

Get outta my office! Of course, what Matt meant to say,

Your monster appears to be nothing but a run-of-the-mill wild boar. Hey. Look at his tusk. So the boar ate our food. Oh. Sorry about that whole trying to kill you thing. Yeah. Well, you should be! I only stole two sandwiches and a bag of Doritos.

I think they're criminals. A job's a job. If my plant pollutes the water and poisons the town, by your logic, that would make me a criminal. Well, Bart's been acting very strangely, and that pizza delivery truck has been parked across the street for two weeks. How long does it take to deliver a pizza?

- But not the imported. - Homer! You've got to set limits, Marge. No beer! Get your T-shirts here! "I survived the Springfield riot!"

Why, the only cure is bed rest. Anything I give you would only be a placebo. Where do we get these placebos? Maybe there's some in this truck! I'm cured. I mean, ouch!

Quoth the Raven: Nevermore. Why, you little-- Uh-oh !

They won't let me in the big people library downtown. There was some... unpleasantness. I can never go back. Ooh. Look at all the inventions Edison came up with. The stock ticker, the storage battery, even wax paper. And look at him dance.

We'd better stay inside. At least until the squirrels stop melting. No problem. There's plenty of activities inside. Now let's see how our blind dates liked each other. Oh, I really felt there was a connection.

Oh, yeah. This is the life. Boy, next summer can you commit some fraud in Orlando, Florida? I'm way ahead of you, Dad.

Oh, your family's out of control, but we can't blame you, because you have good intentions! - Hey, back off, man! - Oh, okay, dude! I wouldn't want you to have a cow, man! Here's a catchphrase you better learn for your adult years: "Hey, buddy, got a quarter?"

Okay, so, anyway-- Hmm. Listen, guys, we've gotta do something about Poochie. There's only one thing we can do.

This room is the most popular part of our tour. It's just like the other rooms. Yes, but with one important difference. Oh. We took that out. Yes, it is just like the other rooms.

(CHINESE-STYLE) American jerks are going home Now we sleep for a thousand years When we wake, the world will end

Ned Flanders? You're sure? No, no, no. I'll come right over. And may God have mercy on us all.

Cool. History's coming alive.

Assault weapons have gotten a lot of bad press lately, but they're manufactured for a reason-- to take out today's modern super animals, such as the flying squirrel and the electric eel. Learning something, Marge?

"Yes, I am, Homer."

Mmm. Doughnut? No, thanks. Do you have any fruit? This has purple stuff inside. Purple is a fruit. Uh-- Oh! This is a map of nuclear sites around the country. As a safety inspector, I'm responsible for changing most of these lightbulbs.

Oh, if you like that, you should try Mary Magdalene's Chocolate Orgasm. Ooh, okay. Mmm!

The funniest stuff came right out of real life. Son, let's go out for frosty chocolate milk shakes. Cowabunga, dude! And... cut! Dad, I've never said "Cowabunga" in my life. Your script sucks. Why, you little-- Hey, that's funny.

ts finally happened, Bart. You’ve lost your mind.

Dear God! Not again!

That's one fine-looking barbecue pit. Why doesn't mine look like that? Why? Da-- Why? Why must life be so hard?

Ooh! Someone’s coming. Now who’s the sociopath? Huh? Moe. He's got a dark side I’ve never dreamed of. Well, mystery solved.

With your vast knowledge of "The Shorebirds of Maryland"-.

Oh, there's my sweet little Maggie.

After this case, and the other case, there's only one case left.

Shh ! Who's the lard butt ? He's the bullfighter. No way a bull's gonna miss a target that big, man.

And while you're there, would you pick up some of that nice green moon money for me-- Royce McCutcheon.

Guess how old I am? Come on. Take a guess. Forty-seven? I hate when they're over. Even on-the-nose hurts! Wow! He's just the kind of weirdo Bart needs. Mr. and Mrs. Simpson, your boy's gonna need one thing.

Honey, your food is getting cold. That's all right. Lisa, I'm very sorry about what happened. Mom, I poured my heart into that centerpiece.

Finished this page? Ages ago. I'll get the dictionary. Why? You'll see when you get there. The word's "stochastic." "Pertaining to a process involving a randomly determined sequence of observations."

All right. I'm almost there. It-- Ohh!

Good-bye, Marge.

I like to think I do something helpful for every student "N" through "Z." Uh, the only advice I can give you is... try to share common interests and spend, spend, spend ! What interests does she have that I could make common ? I believe she's very active on the forensics team. They meet in the new building, room 219. Far out !

Ah! Yes. An Incredible Hulk melonballer. (ROARING) Well, I'm glad you'll be able to enjoy it. I think you did the right thing. You didn't want your life to turn out like this.

I am so excited, I couldnt fall asleep. I even took some pills I found on the floor, and still nothing. You took pills you found on the floor? Uh-huh. Now I'm afraid that if I stop talking, I'll die. Isnt Mick cool? I thought he'd be all, like... 'Tm a rock star. Arent l great?' But he's just like you or me or Jesus over there!

And by the sacred parchment, I swear that if I reveal the secrets of the Stonecutters, may my stomach become bloated, and my head be plucked of all but three hairs. I think he should have to take a different oath.

The Queen of what? (CRYING OUT IN PAIN) (TRUMPET BLOWING) MAN: Changing of the guard! (GROANING) HOMER: Wait! We have to exchange insurance! (CRYING OUT IN PAIN)

- You got it! - Hey, Bart! Your epidermis is showing! It is? Oh. Uh, wh-oa-oa! See, epidermis means hair. So technically it's true.

You call him a moron, and he just sits there grinning moronally. Hi, neighbor. You know what your problem is, Flanders?

Homie, I can't quite fit. Faucet's jammed into my back. I'm stuck. So am I.

(SCOFFS) We don't need clues. We've already caught the killer. (GASPING) Please... This mysterious Hindu is clearly responsible for the murder. Lock him up until we find someone darker, boys. Please, I am not a killer! I am but a humble purveyor of disgusting British food.

That's nearly a century from now. Boy, is my face red. Bart ? Bart ! Um, say, is there anything I can do to avoid coming back here ? Oh, sure, yeah, but-- Ah, you wouldn't like it. Oh, okay. See you later, then. Good-bye, Bart. Remember: Lie, cheat, steal and listen to heavy metal music !

Wow... chocolate, half-price!

Once I kill you, everyone will think I'm the real Homer. None of this seems odd to you?

Can't sleep. Clown'll eat me. Can't sleep. Clown'll eat me.

"My back is spineless. My belly is yellow. I am the American nonvoter." "Stir in two cups of checks. Sprinkle liberally with balances." "Ding, dong. The sounds of the Liberty Bell. Ding-- freedom. Dong-- opportunity.

Bumblebee Man says "Muy bueno." And we were worried about the Latino market, huh? - Huh? Huh? Huh? - Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Worry.

Bar, my motor's gone loco! Oh, the birdhouse! My prize orchids!

Mmm... Ow! This ice cream's too cold! Ow! I cut myself on the cone! (CHUCKLING) Now, now, remember why we're here. To celebrate Jasper's birthday. (SIGHING) Birthday?

Don't shoot! Don't shoot! They're souvenirs. You must pay a fine of two American dollars. Okay.

And if you say you're a vampire, you get a free small soda at the movies. No! No! Lisa, it's not like you have a choice here. Bart! How many times have I told you not to bite your sist-- Wait a minute! You are a vampire!

Legalize it. Legalize what? Oh! Oh. Consider it done. Tasty! That calls for some tune-skis. Oh, great! Anyone have a paper clip?

Did you say, "cleans and straightens" ? There's no confusion, Tina. just good science.

Homer, what's going on down there? Nothing. Then stop screaming so loud. Okay.

A thousand bucks ? Of all the rip-off, screw-job, gyp-joint-- Forget you, pal. Thanks for nothing. So I say, "Forget you, pal ! Thanks for nothing !" - And I storm right outta there. - That's tellin' 'im, Homer.

That's right. You fat cats didn't finish your plankton. Now it's mine.

than by reciting the Pledge of Allegiance together. Why don't you lead us, son? Hey, America, you're So fine. You're so fine, you bLow my mind. America.

Did you check your pocket? It was-- It was in my pocket.

Get ready, everybody. He's about to do something stupid. Well, I'm sorry to disappoint you gentlemen, but you seem to have me confused with a character in a fictional show. Now, if you'll excuse me, my fondue is just about-- D'oh! There goes Albany!

Dear Lord, look at that blimp! He's hanging from a balloon! Marge, uh, can we not land here? Honey? Baby doll? No good! Don't blame me!

Then he joined that cult. I think his name is Mother Shabubu now.

Wait a minute. Those are yours, sir? Yes. I am in flavor country.

And cut. I just wanna thank you folks so much. This has turned out to be a great, great story for me. I think they're running out of tomatoes.

Hello, Mr. Bush! What ya doin'? Now, don't upset the desk there. Careful! You don't want to horse around with-- Hey, cool! What does this do? Now, don't you pull that cord, young man!

Our $50,000 home video finalists are: "Man Breaking Hip." "Dog on Fire." Ruff! Anyone order a hot dog? Look at him! And finally, "Baby With a Nail Gun." Aw.

I didn't think it would burn so fast. I guess it's the tissue paper inside. Miss Bouvier. I am surprised. You just bought yourself one day of detention. You know where and when. Well, no, I don't. Actually, I've never really-- 3:00, old building, room 106.

A pain I know all too well. So this is what it feels like when doves cry.

Whoa! Sign's floating away, Chief. Executive, legislative and, uh, judicial. No, no and no. Maybe we should start all over with the electrical college.

Bart, don't you realize what this means? The next time we fall asleep, we could die. Bah! Welcome to my world.

I put the "ass" in "assisted living."

Three... two... one, blast off!

All right. All right. I'll split the million with Homer.

Hey, they're trying to learn for free! Get 'em! Use your phony guns as clubs! Run, children! Start the bus, Otto! Start the bus! Damn! I shouldn't have eaten the mint first.

Curse that groovy granny! This is America! Justice should favor the rich! Sir, maybe you could use a few huffs from your ether bottle. (INHALES DEEPLY) Oh, man, that's good E.

No, but he was working in the hearts of your friends and neighbors... when they went to your aid, be they Christian, jew or... miscellaneous. Hindu. There are 700 million of us. Aw, that's super.

Well, it takes a ripe piece of cheese to catch the mouse. It's time to give away my love like so much cheap wine. Take it to the hoop, Selma. Hey, look what I brought ! Uh, Schnapps ? I'll take that.

Gentlemen, it's time we face up to the un-face-up-to-able.

Not even Moe's annual suicide attempt can ruin it. I ain't got all day, Drama Queen. Get it over with. I will! And then you'll all wish you was nicer to me! Who am I kidding? I ain't gonna jump. Hark, the Herald Angels sing

And I've learned a great deal from this COW'S heart I got at the butcher shop. Insert the retractor... and crank it until the ribs swing open like a rusty drawbridge. Ah! No! Blood! Ugh! Next, make an incision in the coronary artery--

Oh, right. And, of course, within we find the doomed individual. Enough of your borax, Poindexter! A man's life is at stake! We need action! Take that, you lousy dimension!

Dad, what's a "Muppet?" Well, it's not quite a mop and it's not quite a puppet, but, man-- So, to answer your question, I don't know. Parry. Why'd they make that one Muppet out of leather? That's not a leather Muppet. That's Troy McClure.

Some of these guys have a bad attitude, Skip.

Well, except the mop.

and prepare for re-Neducation. Don't you remember, Dad? Flanders is the unquestioned lord and master of the world. D'oh!

Ohh! Milkman! Piano lady! D'oh! Must... suppress... rage. Huh?

- They have breakfast at Tiffany's now. - Only till 11:00. So that's it. The crazy nut, he went and bought her a sloop! Well, this is one love boat that won't delight and amuse. Wait, Chief. He's not purchasing a boat. Arr!

Oh, God! My head.

Oh! She won't hold! She's breaking up! All done.

I always wondered if there was a God, and now I know. There is, and it's me. You're not a god, Homer. Remember, Dad, all glory is fleeting. So? Beware the Ides of March. No. Dad, I know you think you're happy now, but it's not gonna last forever. Everything lasts forever. Don't you see?

Good morning, everybody. Panic is gripping Springfield as giant advertising mascots rampage through the city. Perhaps it's part of some daring new ad campaign. But what new product could justify such carnage? A cleanser? A fat-free fudge cake that doesn't let you down in the flavor department... like so many others--

Well, Bart, your Uncle Arthur used to have a saying, "Shoot 'em all, and let God sort 'em out." Unfortunately, one day he put his theory into practice. It took 75 federal marshals to bring him down. Now, let's never speak of him again.

any time, in any form, and kill us in ways we can't even imagine! Boo!

and, uh, I think I know how a proton accelerator works. Well, please come down and show us. All right. I will. - In there, guys. - Thanks, Homer. Homer, no one blames you for the accident. We simply feel you might benefit with a little outside tutoring.

Check it out! I'm riding some guy named Ironside! Ow, my banana! Danger, danger. Door ajar. The indignity. The agents got all my money. (NEIGHING) I'm bored. Let's go switch the heads on the Cosby kids.

- It's a secret. - Shut up.

Wake up! Marge, it's 3:00 a.m., and I worked all day. It's 9:30 p.m., and you spent your whole Saturday... drinking beer in Maggie's kiddie pool. Hmm? There you are. Thought you could get away, huh?

You got the dud!

- Homer, I'm on duty. - That's okay. I'm supposed to be working too. You have to move your car. I'll just be a second, Marge. I'm going to get some beer for those kids over there. I'm gonna pretend that I didn't hear that, but you have to move your car now.

I'd like to nominate my teacher, Mrs. Krabappel.

Homer, what is it? Slow down. Yer getta ferda redda oura.

I'm actor Troy McClure. You might remember me from such TV series as... Buck Henderson, Union Buster, and Troy and Company's Summertime Smile Factory,

Your monkey bit my kid again! Well, if he would stop wearing the banana suntan lcytion- Say hello to Bob- and Carol and Ted and Alice-

Tonight, a Texas death match-- Dr. Hillbilly versus The Iron Yuppie! One man will actually be unmasked and killed in the ring!

Oh, you poor little sheep!

Ah, a piece a crap.

Muntz, Nelson. You're failing history, geography and math. But you're doing quite well in home ec. Hey, keep it down, man! Simpson--

may my stomach become bloated, and my head be plucked of all but three hairs. I think he should have to take a different oath. Everyone takes the same oath.

I hope you kept the Homie fires burning.

All right! A chance to catch some rays. Come on! Come on! I got a body in the trunk. Mr. Genie, stop fiddling with the buttons. Oh! You've gotten chocolate all over everything.

Oh! Why does my death keep coming back to haunt me? Oh! You awful, awful man! Get out of my son's grave! I hate to rain on your parade, lady. But this is my grave. Hey-- Wait a minute!

and my butt smells and I like to kiss my own butt? No, no, no! No, ask your heart what its fondest desire is. Hmm. Mmm. Chocolate. Mmm. Invisible cola.

The Soviet Union? I thought you guys broke up. Yes! That's what we wanted you to think!

There. If I can just get through this many days without seeing her, she should be completely out of my system. Okay. Day one.

Don't forget me! Don't worry, Homer. You'll always be a part of me. D'oh!

Here. Let me put some salt on that eye. No! Please! I can't bear another thrashing. just leave me be. Yes, sir.

Oh, cacti! Ow! Aah! Ow! Aah! Ow! Oh! Dirty diapers on strings! Ow! Ohh! Ohh! Ow! Ooh!

Manjula! Oh, Apu, you are such a Brahma queen. Have you come to forgive me? I am willing to take you back. Really? Provided you complete these tasks.

It's classic mirth-making, is what it is.

"ts pizza's fault I'm fat." "Oh, I'll stop sucking... later." Come here. Give me your hand. ts okay. Whoa! Thank you, teacher! You see this watch? ts jammed with so manyjewels, the hands cant move. What kind of watch do you have?

Young man, your gargantuan cone... is making a mockery of our self-serve policy. Bart, look. It's Principal Skinner, and I think he's gone crazy.

Oh, someone is spying on us!

I want you to close your eyes and fall backwards, and I'll catch you. That's gonna show you what trust is all about. Ready? - All right. - Three, two-- One second. Hello? D'oh! Oh, my God! A guy's on the floor! That was a phone call. Don't chalk that up to mistrust. Yes? What happened? When did that happen? How much of it?

Beans, beans, the musical fruit.

We don't want any more bears! Sir, there's an unruly mob to see you. Does it have an appointment?

Well, before she died, she ordered this Bible especially for you. Why, there's my name, in gold. Now you weren't home, so we had to pay the delivery man. Well, I'll just reimburse you right-- Wait a minute. This seems an awful lot like that movie Paper Moon. Run, Dad!

Starring Martin Prince as Lizzie. Forty whacks with a wet noodle, Bart.

What happened? I think when we yelled, we caused another avalanche.

Don't you have something to say to Bart? No. Can't think of a thing. I've always said you were a good father. I've always defended you when people put you down. That's for sure. She ain't lying. But I guess I was wrong. You are a bad father.

The police already have a suspect. It's Mr. Smithers. Oh, I bet he's the one. Yeah, Smingers did it. Case closed. Now, where's my hat? I'm going to the outhouse. We don't have an outhouse. My toolshed! Oh, Dad!

This is so humiliating. Well, at least your name's on the bowl. Hmm. (GROWLING) (BOTH GROWLING) I submit! I submit! Hmm.

Good news, Bart! The Krusty-o Cereal Corp. has settled your case for $100,000, less, of course, my legal fees. What kind of legal fees? Well, for a case this complex, I had to assemble a crack team of lawyers.

Congratulations, Lisa. You're the new Little Miss Springfield. Here's your scepter. Oop! just kidding. Here you go. Oop! just kidding. I deserved that.

Too crazy to go outside. Not crazy enough to have imaginary friends.

True or false: You can get mono from riding the monorail. Mmm, false. No, wait. Maybe it's true. No, you were right. It's false. Wow. You really are gonna be a monorail conductor. That's right, boy. You know, I used to think you were stuck... in an emasculating, go-nowhere job. Kids.

Do you know what he does? He flip-flops! Sometimes he doesn't know whether he's coming or going.

Two: Whenever Poochie's not on screen, all the other characters should be asking, "Where's Poochie?"

Say, what's goin' on? I'm having a little trouble with the government. Oh, those jerks-- always walking over the small businessman. Don't get me started about the government.

Go to hell! Go to hell! Hey, once again, great present, Dad. Uh... uh... My third husband bought me this. Give me some chips for it. Are you sure?

Hold it, son. Wouldn't you rather have an exciting action figure? Ah, but only Batman fits in my Batmobile. Are you nuts? The Thing fits in there perfectly. Look. He's fitting right now. Stan Lee came back?

And what are you making, Sideshow Luke Perry? A 19th-century carousel. Upstage me, will ya? Get the hell out! Look, there must be something I can do on the show. Please. For Mom's sake?

We need the outlet for our rock tumbler. Plug it in! Plug it in! What, the rock tumbler or the TV? The TV! The TV! Show

Oh, my God! There's nothing wrong with the bidet, is there?

The South shall come again. Hello. I'm Mrs. Pennyfeather. I understand you're looking for a nanny. Pleased to meet you. Wait a minute, Marge. I saw Mrs. Doubtfire. This is a man in drag! You're phony! Fakey, phony, fraud!

I'm jimmy Stewart's granddaughter, and you'll be hearing from my attorney.

Marge! Climb up. Ain't you comin', Homer? Why? So I can watch my wife... spend the rest of her life in the arms of another man? I don't think so. Good day.

When I think about Ned, I can't help but remember the look on his face when Marge drove over-- Homer! Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Oh. Wait. What I'd like to say is we're still looking for the real killers. Anyway, in conclusion, a man cannot be forced to testify against his wife. Stop winking!

And to keep the show's animators, editors, staff and hangers-on from leaking the solution, two completely different endings were produced. One real, one phony. Here's the ending you were never meant to see. The one who shot me was--

The hell I won't. You're forgetting I've got my Powersauce bars. Wake up, Homer. Those bars are just junk. They're made of apple cores and Chinese newspapers. Hey. Deng Xiaoping died.

I see. So if my old bike didn't work, I would automatically get a new one? That's right. No questions asked. (LAUGHS)

Whoo-hoo! Oh, no. You can't do heart surgery in the dark! Sounds like a wager to me. I'll take a piece of that.

and only two of those members have special rings. Yeah! I meant our wedding rings.

and I hope you'll find it in your heart not to drive awa-- Well, I'll be all right as long as I can remember my army training. Dang!

Oh, please stop. I'm just getting started. Ohh!

Wow! How'd you track him down, Grampa? Good question. On one of my frequent trips to the ground-- I noticed Malloy wore sneakers... for sneaking!

Rubber Baby Buggy Bumper Baby-sitting Service.

Honey, what's wrong? I'll tell you what. That rotten Moe is getting rich off a recipe I gave him. Take that off this second.

What’s that ruckus?

Okay, Lise. If they don't have tabbouleh, what's your second choice? They'll have tabbouleh. You're the miracle boy with the healing hands, arr, ain't ya?

Homer, I'm not sleeping with the lights on. They're just children's stories. They can't hurt you. Ohh. Oh, I hate Halloween.

Marge, I cant live like this. I'm tired of walking around on eggshells.

One: "Hey, hey, kids, I'm Talkin' Krusty." Two: "Hey, hey! Here comes Slide Show Mel." Again. "Here comes Sideshow Mel. Sideshow Mel." Three. Bada-bing, bada-boom. I'm done. Learn from a professional, kid. Okay, Krusty. We are ready to roll any-- What the--

Ay! Suffering sarcophagus! My tomb! Who did this? Come on, confess. Don't make me slay all the firstborn males again. Bart did it. I saw him do it. Take him away, boys. No! The bush set me up!

You've led quite a life, Tamzarian. It's your life. I just kept it warm for you. Oh, I nearly forgot. Your pocket watch. Mother's picture is still inside. Take good care of her. I'll wind her every day.

I know one of you is responsible for this. So repeat after me: If I withhold the truth, may I go straight to hell, where I will eat naught but burning-hot coals... and drink naught but burning-hot cola. Where fiery demons will punch me in the back,

You know that little ball you put on the aerial so you can find your car ? That should be on every car ! Little ball.

Ooh, he card reads good.

I really don't want to talk about it. If you change your mind, I won't be far. Thanks, but... I've been told I'm a good listener. But when you're a captain, you never know when people are just flattering ya. Yarr. He's gone. Darn it! I just want a friend who isn't a work friend.

You know, I could snip the wires. We'd fall to our deaths, but we'd save the entire town. Bart, how would you like to do something incredibly noble? - Do we have to? - Yes.

Mmm. Doughnut? No, thanks. Do you have any fruit? This has purple stuff inside. Purple is a fruit. Uh--

We're a nonprofit organization. So, your bid is zero? Well, we'd like to think of it as-- Thank you. - You know, I really think-- - Thank you.

Kids can be so cruel. We can? Thanks, Mom!

Oh! Are you as excited as I am?

just kidding. Here you go. Oop!

No sports, no rock no information For mindless chatter we're your station KBBL talk radio. And now, Springfield's favorite conservative...

Well, Bart, I hope you're going straight to the principal about this. I guess I could do that.

Shh-shh. Calm down. Calm down. Moving. You can sit down now. We're still going antiquing on Saturday, right, Mother?

Thanks for letting us stay with you.

What are you doing with his ball? And all those other balls? Uh, there are no other balls. just these, uh, reptile eggs! Oh, step away! They're endangered. These aren't reptile eggs. You've been cheating! No matter where Mr. Burns hits the ball, you put a fresh one on the green!

Look, I'll even eat some. Now-- Hmm? Does Mr. Simpson have a demon, Daddy? Looks like it. Run and get Daddy's exorcism tongs. Yea!

Ooh, and here, out of the mists of history, the legendary esquilax, a horse with the head of a rabbit...

Whoa, look at this place. What a dump ! It's worse than you think. I just trampled this poor sap's flower bed. - Homer, this is our house. - Aaah !

I quit! I quit! I thought you said you liked dogs. It's enough to drive you crazy if you let it Hey! Who wants to get rich today?

And what does my little girl want ? An absence of mood swings and some stability in my life. Uh, eh, how about a pony ? Okay !

I bring you fear, famine, pestilence and-- Time for a booster. Good morning, starshine

Get dancin', dancin', dance Get dancin', dancin', dance Keep movin'. Here come deejay Disco Tex Truckin' with his Sex-O-Lettes Get dancin', dancin', dance

Soul? Come on, Milhouse. There's no such thing as a soul. It's just something they made up to scare kids, like the boogeyman, or Michael jackson.

Somebody had to take the babysitter home. Then I noticed she was sitting on-- her sweet can. I grab her-- sweet can. Oh, just thinking about-- her can. I just wish I-- sweet-- sweet-- s-s-sweet can. So, Mr. Simpson, you admit you grabbed her can. What do you have to say in your defense?

It makes sex look like a church! I don't think my daughter should hear this. You can't protect her forever, you stupid lady.

Where will they go? They're managing your chain of nursing homes, sir. Excellent. Gone are such headliners as Little Timmy and the Shebangs, the Shebangs, and the New Shebangs, featuring Big Timmy. Remember how excited we were when this place opened? Then a week later we just forgot about it. I'm surprised they bothered to move it when they moved the town.

I'll take that hardbound Radioactive Man collection. Ah, a superb choice! In volume two, Radioactive Man travels through time... to defeat jesse Owens at the 1936 Olympic games.

Love means never having to say... A whole canoe made of baloney? (LAUGHING) Bart, stop fooling with the remote!

I can use the potty now.

Hi, Homer. Since they made me stop drinking, I've regained my balance and diction. Observe. i am the very model of A Modern major general I've informaTion vegeTable animal and mineral Aw, that's nothing. Watch this.

That's really more of a weekend thing, Ray. Hey, jerk! Move your fanny! That guy's louder than World War II. Ray, go see what the rhubarb is, will you? Sir, could you pop your hood? Hey, my taxes paid for that horn!

"Starland Vocal Band"? They suck!

You're still in your seat. Well, it's not like I never saw a dog before. That doesn't sound like me. Could it be the drug kicking in? I am feeling an urge to straighten up and fly right. Come on, people. This poetry isn't gonna appreciate itself.

The switchboards are lighting up. Two calls. That's our best ever. Hello? No, Janice doesn't live here. Hello? Yes, I am interested in long distance savings. Very interested.

Sorry. No can do. Hear me out, Simpson !

i'm unbelievably amused. Soon those bratty buttinskies will be encased in Lucite for all eternity. While we're waiting, here are some names you may call me on our wedding night. Obi-Wan. Iron Man. Mr. Mxyzptlk. And, of course, Big Papa Smurf.

Doesn't this armoire belong to Mr. Flanders? You stole this entire room from Ned Flanders' house! Oh, well, you snooze, you lose. But could I have my photo albums back? Now get out of my house!

there's no need for obnoxious hooting and hollering. Ugh!

I brought my own mike! Yes. Well. Homer, organized labor has been called a lumbering dinosaur. My director is telling me not to talk to you anymore. Whoo-hoo! Mr. Burns, you mentioned you wanted an opening tirade. Yes, thank you, Kent.

Yeah, I know I'm on. But I don't care. I don't read the news until I get my Danish.

Not guilty! The Teletubbies! (CHEERING) Custard! Custard! Custard!

Do we want Old Man Patterson here with his finger on the button? What button? What the hell are you talking about?

D'oh! Ow! My brain!

Chlorine, eh? My face is on fire!

How we danced on the night we were wed Havin' my baby What a lovely way to say how much you love me Nearer my God to thee Nearer to thee

All right, Nick. Don't panic. Think back to med school. Seriously, baby. I can prescribe anything I want.

Why did you think a big balloon would stop people? Shut up! That's why.

Sunrise, sunset. Sunrise, sunset. Sunrise, sunset. Sunrise, sunset. Sunrise, sunset. Sunrise, sunset. Note to self: Stop doing anything.

What? It is personal. He's got our underpants.

I know. I know. Another year together.

Mom's police tape isn't a toy, Dad. Shush, dear. You'll wreck Daddy's fun. Bringing in the sheaves Bringing in the Oh, my Lord. Something horrible has happened! Fooled ya, Flanders.

- Homer Simpson. - Stop telling them it was me! I'll kill you for saying it was me! Homer Simpson. What is the meaning of this? Smithers, who is this beast that's shaking me? D'oh! Say it, Burns! Say I never shot you... before.

And now we wait.

You know it is. When you have a rib-eye steak you must floss it Oh, that meat loaf tasted great You must floss it Now floss it Floss it good Hey, Dad. Will you help me build this model rocket?

They can't fire me. Why? Why? 'Cause... Guten morgen.

Yes, the Simpsons have come a long way... since an old drunk made humans out of his rabbit characters... to pay off his gambling debts. Who knows what adventures they'll have between now... and the time the show becomes unprofitable? I'm Troy McClure, and I'll leave you with what we all came here to see: hard-core nudity!

Hello, Beefcake Charlie. (CHUCKLES) Dad, how could you say these things? I'm so sorry, honey. I said good things about you, too. Check out the Lifestyle section. "Plastic Pearls Make the Girl."

for a coldhearted Republican to lower taxes, brutalize criminals... and rule you like a king! That's why I did this-- to protect you from yourselves! Now, if you don't mind, I have a city to run. Bailiffs, place the mayor under arrest. What? Oh, yes. All that stuff I did.

Sir, you've certainly vanquished all your enemies: the elementary school, the local tavern, the old-age home. You must be very proud. No, not while my greatest nemesis... still provides our customers with free light, heat and energy. I call this enemy... the sun.

What is this place? Branson, Missouri. My dad says it's like Vegas if it were run by Ned Flanders.

All right. Let's make sure he's a leprechaun. Sing us a song of the Emerald Isle. ...big, fat ass! Ah, 'tis like the singing of the angels themselves.

The kick is up. It's looking good. The ball is turning into a fat, bald guy. Aahh! oof! It's no good, and you know what we say... Every time something strange happens-- it's good that Bart did that. It's very good.

I ain't goin' nowhere. I been in this square pert' near 30 seasons, and I ain't a-leavin' now.

Who can tell me the capital of Spain? Bart Simpson. The square root of 36? Bart Simpson. Who freed the slaves? Bart Simpson. Bart Simpson. Bart Simpson. Bart Simpson, will you stop raising your hand? You haven't had one right answer all day. Sorry.

I'd like to place an order for my husband.

Oh, you shouldn't be watching The Learning Channel. You need to take it easy. But I'm hardly learning at all.

Permission to speak frankly, sir ? Permission granted. Well, you are quite wealthy-- Thank you, Smithers.

Mickey Mouse's dog?

So I usually sneak a little meat juice into her vegetables.

Nice follow-through. Now that's what I call a moon shot.

Whoa! This material stinks! I'm gonna have to punch it up on the fly. Oh, I got one! How do you make a King Lear? Put the queen in a bikini! Here's another one. "Knock knock." "Who's there?" "juliet." "juliet who?" Juliet so much pasta fazool, Romeo doesn't want her anymore!

The boatjacking of Supership 79... and Hydro: The Man With the Hydraulic Arms. Coming up this hour on the Impulse Buying Network, your chance to own a piece of itchy and Scratchy, the Toontown twosome beloved by everyone-- even cynical members of Generation X. Yeah, "groovy."

- Please, can I throw one little-- - No. What if I just burn down a-- No. Can I at least incite further-- No. I've caused enough trouble already by plugging in that Santa Claus. No more irresponsible behavior. Can I have a beer? All right. - But not the imported. - Homer! You've got to set limits, Marge. No beer!

just a minute! Don't hang up! Y'ello? You'll have to speak up. I'm wearing a towel. Somebody need a script?

I'd like that. I'd like that very much. Now, it would involve betrayal and unspeakable evil. Hey, hey. You made your sale. And now, a little trick I like to call-- uh, "The Invisibility Cloak."

Oh, it might as well be in China. MAN: Live from Springfield Stadium,

Now she'll really be surprised when she opens that ironing board cover. Must've been a pretty slow century. The store detective!

- Vile, little-- - Crook! - Thief! Stealer of money from the collection plate!

If this were a cartoon, the cliff would break off now. I'm thirsty.

This isn't very scary. i "vant" your blood. Um, I think that one's broken.

Yes? Are you a new applicant? Actually, I quit, and I came to get my job back. Through there! So, come crawling back, eh?

And he taught me how to do this.

Can't you do something? Hey. Surly only looks out for one guy-- Surly. Hmm. Sorry, Surly. Shut up. Don't blame these kids.

A roll, sir? Screw you. Oatmeal? (GASPS) Smoked salmon! Shrimp! Crab legs!

Hey, stop squirming. Uh-oh. I'm pretty sure she was gonna be the next Hitler. Hello? Good deed done.

This is the first and only bear I've ever seen. Hey, if you want wild bears eating your children... and scaring away your salmon, that's your business. But I'm not gonna take it! Who's with me? I am! I am! We're here! We're queer! We don't want any more bears!

(BUZZER SOUNDS) KRUSTY'S VOICE: You just tweezered my wang!

It was an emergency call from the International Drainage Commission...

I dreamed I was married to Corey and we lived on a pony farm and Corey was always walking around with his shirt off.

I failed you as a husband and a provider. And at best I was a B-plus dog. I'll understand if you want to sleep on the couch tonight.

See, Cousin Merl and me was playing fetch with Geech. That's our old smellhound and-- Geech gone to heaven, Mr. Terwilliger.

I just wish we could make one last big score, but we could never drive past the border patrol. There are other ways to get into Canada. (GROWLING) No! That's it! A plane!

Oh, my German verb wheel. Ich esse. Ihr ist. Wir essen. When? When? Ich bin hungrig! Homer, this is yours. Yes! My precious CarToons!

Wait, Bart. Maybe the library has another book that will reverse the spell. It's our only hope. To the book depository.

Someone will. I'm gonna crack the bully code.

I'm really sorry. I kinda traded your soul to the guy at the comic book store. But look-- I got some cool pogs. Alf pogs! Remember Alf? He's back, in pog form! You traded my soul for pogs? No!

Okay, those berries are poison. Those leaves are poison oak. And your belt is a snake, also poisonous. I'll tell you what's poisonous, your attitude. You know these... (GROANING) I'm dying! But at least people will always remember the expedition of Lewis and Clark and Tweedleburger...

Dr. Linus Irving of the Sloan-Kettering Memorial Institute writes: "How does Matt Groening find the time to write and draw... an entire Simpsons episode every week?" For the answer to this, we went straight to the source. Get outta my office!

and patriot. American patriot. Master of the atom. Scourge of the despot. Oh, tyrant, hear his mighty name and quake ! Smithers, I'm back !

Ah. Now for a little powder blue. Oh, no. He wouldn't! All right. Tell me when I hit the sweet spot. Deeper, you pusillanimous pilsner pusher! All right. All right. Defense!

Hello, I'm Mr. Plow. Are you tired of having your hands cut off by snowblowers... and the inevitable heart attacks that come with shoveling snow? Uh-huh. Then call Klondike 5-3226. Call now and receive a free T-shirt.

Seymour? Mother!

You know, with all the energy we're putting into this sabotage thing, we could've written sonnets for our wives... or learned to tango or lovingly restored one of those antique-- Oh! Whew! Well, at least I got a hunk of Moe's hair. Man, that smarts!

Screw you! Screw everybody! All right, girls, tops off. It's showtime! Marge, this is the greatest gift... any wife has ever given her husband. I thought you'd like it. And I'm enjoying the friendship... between showgirl and that seamstress. Pipe down!

(MUTTERING) "Homeland Noodles with Uncle Sam Balls."

I'm so hungry I could eat at Arby's. Oh, my gosh! Oh, wow! She really is hungry. She's really hungry.

We gotta kill him! Take it easy, Moe. Let's hear from the Stonecutter World Council... before we act too rashly. Kill him. Kill him. kill the fool. Afraid I have to disagree with Orville, jack and Mr. Can't we just do something to his voice box?

How innovative. I like it. Hey, Dolph, take a memo in your Newton. Beat up Martin. Bah! Yeow! All right, first academic alert: Wiggum, Ralph.

Come on, Homer. japan will be fun. You liked Rashomon. That's not how I remember it. Besides, if we wanna see Japanese people, - we could have gone to the zoo. - Homer! What? The guy who washes the elephants is japanese. His name is Takashi. He's in my book club.

Chauffeur. Seamstress. Curator of large mammals? Marge, have you seen my lunch box? Oh, I see. Mom, they expect you to lie a little. "Worked for the Carter Administration"?

Ugh! I won't even tell you what that guy's into. Bart, you are the closest thing to a man my life and that's so depressing I think I'm to cry.

Lisa, did you see the Grammys? You beat Dexy's Midnight Runners. You haven't heard the last of them. I miss you, Daddy. I miss you too, honey.

Ah! Let me in! Someone's trying to kill me! Sweet merciful McGillicutty! You gotta open the door! Who is it? It's Grampa. And it sounds like he's gotten into the horseradish again.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. It's all in the delivery. "Now is the winter of our discontent"-- Oh, no! Run!

How's my special little guy? How are you feelin', big brother?

Oh, for the love of Peter. That's all anybody brought. Some damn fool went around telling everyone I love that slimy goop.

You're on the right track. Follow the names. How the hell do you know? I can't tell you who I am, but I worked on the campaign. Hey, Mr. Smithers!

Huh? I can't. I don't remember what I did. Then you don't get the job. Next. Oh, I don't get the job, do I? Well, boo-hoo! I don't get to be a cartoon dog! That's it! You've got the job! Oh, now I got the job, huh? Oh, thank you.

Let me check. Phone call for Al-- Al Coholic.

Looks like we got us some intruders. Who's in there? If somebody's in here, you're in for some serious ass forkin'!

Hmm? I don't want to fight no union! All in favor? Aye! Motion carried. The system works! I've become enchanted and illusioned with Washington. And the reason it worked is because you all did your part. But I didn't do anything.

Can't they get a pole for that sign?

Now, my Woody Allen impression. I'm a neurotic nerd who likes to sleep with little girls. Hey, that really sucked!

Four minutes. And so one town's brief flirtation with prohibition... ended in a joyous remarriage to Lady Liquor. Congratulations, Springfield. We wish you the very best! To alcohol, the cause of and solution to...

You think you're pretty hot. Well, we got everything we need on you.

Love means never having to say... A whole canoe made of baloney? (LAUGHING) Bart, stop fooling with the remote! Lisa made me with a witch's spell! It's called Wicca, and it's empowering! Wicca's a Hollywood fad! That's Kabbalah, jerk! (GRUNTING)

Help! Please help me! Willie, please! Mr. Van Houten has the floor. I, for one, would like to see the cafeteria menus in advance... so parents can adjust their dinner menus accordingly. I don't like the idea of Milhouse having two spaghetti meals in one day.

You were wrong. Dead wrong. Do you have to talk like that? No, not really. Marge, you gotta help me. I have to do one good deed to get into heaven. Well, I've got a whole list of chores-- Clean the garage, paint the house, grout the ti-- Whoa, whoa, whoa. I'm just trying to get in. I'm not running for Jesus.

(TIRES SCREECHING) D'oh! (SCREAMS) (BRAKES SCREECHING) (ALL SCREAMING) (GIANT FISH GULPS)

Hey, kids. i made your favorite cookies. Christmas trees for the girls and bloody spearheads for Bart. Aw, thanks, Mom.

And every girl a twin Yeah I could love a Chinese girl An Eskimo or Finn I could dig a Deutschland chick a girl with golden curls In fact I think that we could love-- About a million girls

This has been a Bart-toon presentation. In association with Ay Carumba Entertainment.

D'oh! Freeze, you little shock jocks! Brilliant. They transduced amplitude modulation... via the concavity of that oversized beverage conveyance. I mean, that is some clever "viving."

Yeah, enjoy, huh? Get something fun. - Something stupid. - You only live once. - Speak for yourself. Marge, kids, let's go buy some happiness. God bless you, Bart Simpson.

Wow. You really are gonna be a monorail conductor. That's right, boy. You know, I used to think you were stuck... in an emasculating, go-nowhere job. Kids. But now, I wanna follow in your footsteps. Do you want to change your name to Homer junior? The kids can call you Hoju. I'll get back to you.

You sunk my Scrabbleship. This game makes no sense. Tell that to the good men who just lost their lives. Semper fi.

There she is, the world's first convenience store. This isn't very convenient. Must you dump on everything we do?

I'm telling you people. The Earth revolves around the Sun! Burn him! What a story! You've stolen my soul! In culture-- dead last. Eleanor, we've got to do something about this depression.

And that concludes our intensive three-week course. Hey, wait, man. Who gets to be conductor? Oh, right, that. Well, I've been monitoring your progress closely. But this gentleman here clearly stands out above the rest. Who, me? Yeah, sure. Whoo-hoo!

- Hey! - Whoo! Hey, hey! Whoo! Yeah, baby! You gol ldidn1 think it was possible...

Help! Eh, slave labor. You get what you pay for.

A ride on the Duff blimp.

A British what?

Oh, you stupid son of a... Homer, I'm so mad at you.

What do we need church shoes for? Jesus wore sandals. Well, maybe if he had better arch support, they wouldn't have caught him.

I know how you feel, Mr. Simpson. I myself have spent years searching for my long-lost twin brother. Yeah, well, I wish I could help you, but we're looking for my brother today. - Can you tell me his name ? - Hmm.

Poor Ralph. Here you go, Ralph. You Choo-Choo-choose me?

Well, this story begins in that unforgettable spring of 1983. Ms. Pac-Man struck a blow for women's rights. A young joe Piscopo taught us how to laugh. Before Lisa was born, we lived in a tiny apartment... on the lower East Side of Springfield.

I'm disrupting the learning process, and I love it! First prize! First prize! First prize! First prize! First prize! First prize! Why are you saying that? just screwin' with your mind.

Ooh, a redneck bar. Hey, you, let's fight. Them's fightin' words. Duff, please. We don't sell Duff. We sell Fudd. Okay, Fudd me.

Wh-- Whoa! Why, you little-- Oh, look at him cower. just like the boy. I can't stay mad at such a helpless little mammal. I'm gonna get you for that, you little scamp. Here! Yeh! Take that, Pinchy.

Mrs. Simpson, what did you and your husband do... after you were ejected from the restaurant? We pretty much went straight home. Mrs. Simpson, you're under oath. We drove around until 3:00 a.m., looking for another all-you-can-eat fish restaurant.

Hey! Nobody calls Moe St. Cool a phony! All this yelling is taking away my horny. Is it? Oh, that's it. Dagmar, Julian.

just a minute! Don't hang up! No answer at home. I'll call his father. just a minute! Don't hang up! Y'ello? You'll have to speak up. I'm wearing a towel.

Uh! Boy, I can really be a pain in the butt. Gee, I should cut Dad some slack.

but I do feel bad about the starving children. They're with God now. Oh, well, that's good. Right. Hey, guys. How's it going? Oh, don't worry about the Mr. X thing. I'm just here for a beer.

And I'm teen sensation Britney Spears.

Gavin, don't you already have this game? No, Mom, you idiot! I have Bloodstorm and Bonesquad and Bloodstorm ii, stupid! Oh, I'm sorry, honey.

That could be Dad. Station wagon. Luggage rack. I am woman hear me roar in numbers too big to ignore and i know too much to go back to pretend

- f Loud Splat] - Yes! J; Hmm. Vengeful god. Loving god. Vengeful god. Loving god. Vengeful god. Loving god. Vengeful god. Loving god.

Cuba, eh? Take her down, Smithers. Uh, you're flying the plane, sir. Excellent. Sorry about the landing, boys. This fog is so thick, i can't see my own cataracts.

Okay, I'm not gonna give up. Solitude never hurt anyone. Emily Dickinson lived alone, and she wrote some of the most beautiful poetry the world has ever known. Then went crazy as a loon.

Someone gouge my eyes! Save me from the ladies!

Attention, H.O.-scale passengers. The dining car is closed. Root beer is still available, but the cost is now 6.50. If the passengers will look to the right, you will see a sad man. That is all.

Yum, yum. I think I'd like some whipped cream on my Wyoming.

Marge, I've got some serious thinking to do. Hmm. Barney's movie had heart,

Seriously now, if you have any questions, just ask our team leader, Homer Simpson. Or me. Better ask me. It's so nice to have a peaceful weekend together. Yeah, I'm bored too.

Ned Flanders is on the phone. Oh, if this is about that stupid quarter again, I... Hello, Ned.

I'm moving. What? My mom got a job in Capitol City.

First of all my real name isn't Krusty the Clown. It's Herschel Krustofski.

Come on, Bart. We don't want to overstimulate these people. They just had pudding. Hello, little girl. Is your mommy home? You'll need to ask her for five dollars to buy Mr. Bouncy Best Friend. I know you. Your little smart-mouthed boy cost this town the Olympics.

and a place I'm not sure I've ever been to. You're so sweet. Ooh, I feel all funny. I'm in love! No, wait, it's a stroke. No, wait, it is love!

America, take a good look at your beloved candidates.

it takes at least six months to tear it apart. Right, naked Duffman?

Homer's in the hospital! They think it's his heart! Oh, my God. - What? - Five cents off wax paper. Clear!

Huh? The Re-Deadening? Is that any good? Good? I'm in it. I had a small speaking role. Yeah. I went to visit him and was banned from the set. Mr. Leonard, how do you get in a movie? Ha! Classic Hollywood story. The director saw my photo in a medical book. Hey, Lenny. Is your film appropriate for kids? Oh, yeah. There are lots of kids in it.

We already have a guitar. I meant a real guitar. This is real.

Then I will hug some snakes. Yes! I will hug and kiss some poisonous snakes!

Whoo! Whoo! Ee-eew.

Isn't that cute? He thinks he's one of the Models Inc. Get that cat out of the way!

Play dead! No, run around in circles! No, act like a lion! Swipe at the dominant male! Come on, Ned! Knock that monkey down! jumping kangaroo rats!

Not since this reporter's marriage to Stephanie the weather lady... has this town been so consumed with rumor and innuendo. All because of this man. Today, one Abraham "Grampa" Simpson...

We want to thank Dixie brand mayonnaise. Whoo, Lordy, what a mayonnaise! Three, two-- That's Homer Simpson's computer. Oh, God! It's spreading! Happy New-- Wha-- Oh, no. It's happening.

I'm not insane. Run, Marge! Run! Pump those crazy legs!

Aw, man. He's making us look like a bunch of cheapskates. Whoa, whoa! My rope came loose. There he is behind that shopping bag. A croissant? What the-- Oh, that's right. - They have breakfast at Tiffany's now. - Only till 11:00.

In fact, I made a graph. I make a lot of graphs.

Look at me, Lise. I'm Baron Von Chicken Pants. Bart, that's tomorrow night's dinner.

Oh! This may surprise you, but you can't buy me off with food. I'm sick of all your stereotypes and cheap jokes. The overweight individuals in this country... are just as smart and talented and hardworking as everybody else. And they're gonna make their voices heard. All they need is a leader!

Anyone like a draft beer? Beer? Would you like a tall, frosty one, Homer?

Am I dead yet? No. How about now? No! Now?

Uh-- Hmm. Well, dog my cats. They's dis-apporated. Keep quiet, Huck. They won't look up here if nothing draws their attention. Old man river That old man river

Wait a minute. If a second old geezer got shot, how come nobody reported it? Uh, hi. Um, could we take a look at your leg? Yeah, it's real spruce. You like it?

Oh! Well, it's still the best thing in this class. Num, num, num, num, num. A-minus. Lisa Simpson, master of the double life.

It's all so barbaric. Hey, kids, how was school? I learned how many drams in a pennyweight. I got expelled. That's my boy. Mmm, beer. What?

Smithers, why did you iron a crease in these dungarees? I look like a square. Uh, that crease is in your leg, sir. Oh, so it is. Yes.

whether those bureaucrats in the state capital like it or not ! Lisa, do you have a question you would like to ask your Uncle Montgomery ?

Yes. Well. Homer, organized labor has been called a lumbering dinosaur. My director is telling me not to talk to you anymore. Whoo-hoo! Mr. Burns, you mentioned you wanted an opening tirade. Yes, thank you, Kent.

There's nothin' on that helicopter for me. Don't be so sure. Carl Carlson?

Stupid pothole. Don't worry, head. The computer will do our thinking now.

Paintings: Lifeless images rendered in colorful goop. But at night, they take on a life of their own. They become portals to hell... so scary and horrible and gruesome that--

who needs the kwik-e-mart their floors are Sticky-mart they made dad sicky-mart let's hurl A bricky-mart the kwik-e-mart is real-- D'oh!

defending this country for lazy jerks like you. Now what'll you have, partner? Let's see. One, two, three- Six whiskeys. All right! We only serve sarsaparilla, mac. No alcohol. You can get drunk when we get home. Duh. Hey, these cards are marked.

you're sleeping on the lawn. Will you two shut up?

Hello! That sounds like a pig fainting. I'm sorry, boys. I-i've never expelled anyone before, but that pig had some powerful friends. Oh, you'll pay. Don't think you won't pay!

He said, "When do you need me?" I said, "Thursday." He said, "I'm busy." I said, "Friday?" He said, "Friday's worse." Then he said, "How about Saturday?" I said, "Fine." True story.

Oh, Doctor, I'm crazy.

Welcome to gymnastics. I am Coach Lugash.

Please look at my MedicAlert bracelet. Ooh. Hey, hey. Come in!

Skinner! Uh, Superintendent Chalmers.

Zinc, come back. Zinc! Zinc, zinc!

And have 10 items or less. Twelve, 11, 10. The man's a weenie. Oh, now, be fair, Edna. I liked Armin Tamzarian too, but he was at least as big a weenie as Sergeant Skinner. But he was our weenie. Now, there was a weenie... you could be proud to call your son. Did you ever tell him that?

Some careless person has left thousands and thousands of dollars... Just lying here on my coffee table. Uh, Smithers, why don't we leave the room, and hopefully, when we return, the pile of money will be gone. Oh !

Say it, Burns! Say I never shot you... before.

He'll be back. As for your case, don't you worry. I've argued in front of every judge in the state, often as a lawyer.

This isn't what I wanted. Where's the edge? I followed your napkin. No napkin could wipe the crumbs of failure from your mouth! No! No, don't fight.

while drooling over French postcards. (GIGGLES) Hello, I'm Isabel Sanford, the beloved Weezy from The Jeffersons. At this "museum," you won't see a Michelangelo, but you might see Michael Landon and Beverly D'Angelo.

since the Middle Ages had no compact disks or Super Mario men, people found entertainment in abusing the village idiot.

Smithers, come here.

Cowabunga! Woo! Uh! Uh! Hey! Ohh! - Hey! - Aah!

Please go back! You can make it my birthday present. We're almost home, Dad. Only a couple more times over the horizon. But I might explode! You just sit back and relax. I'm not gonna let anything happen to my old dad. Oh, dear God!

Homer, come home with me. No, Marge, I can't. I mean, look at me. I'm a trainee.

I don't know where you magic pixies came from,

Psst! Marge, over here. Oh, Jack. You threw it all away over a stupid feud with Skinner. Look, I'll admit I hate Skinner. But I didn't start that fire.

Relax, honey. You were just having a crazy nightmare. You're back with your family now where there's nothing to be afraid of. Except that fog that turns people inside out. Huh? Uh-oh.

I'm giving up anger forever! If you ask me, you should give up fatty foods. I said anger!

Wake up, everybody! It's World War III!

I need to do a little spring cleaning. They're in the safety cabinet. I'll get the key.

One hundred dollars.

I'm a mur-diddly-urgler!

Sorry, the position has been filled. Oh, dear. Marge, you're making a big mistake. I'm gonna see you all day at work and all night at home-- And that's good! But here's the bad part. Uh-- Uh--

Otto you can't just sit there watching TV all day. You're right. I should do a little reading. Uh, you got any of those Where's Waldo? books? No. Anything from the vampire's point of view? No. Anything where guys send in naked pictures of their chicks?

Homer! Homer! Homer!

Gotta study. Gotta study. Gotta study. Chapter six. "Four Days in Philadelphia." "The First Continental Congress faced a difficult job. Could the delegates agree on recommendations that all Americans could support ?" We hold these truths to be self-evident...

Cool! The N.F.L.'s oldest surviving player. I'm 53 years young. Whoo!

Ohhh. Lisa, not all romances turn out that way. Bart, do you have a love story that doesn't end in heartbreak? Yes, I do.

Good grief. This candy's terrible!

Shh! Oh, boy! Buffalo testicles!

Smithers, Smithers, help me subdue this... beast. Sorry, sir, this is all I could find. Take that and that! Please don't waste those.

Then I realized his spirit was willing, but the flesh was weak. I replaced the flesh, which is weak, with steel, which is strong. Behold! The greatest breakthrough in labor relations... since the cat-o'-nine-tails!

Ohhh, what the hell? Muuuah! Seven, six--

(CHUCKLES) This is Wang Pu's time to shine!

That's one fine-looking barbecue pit. Why doesn't mine look like that? Why? Da-- Why?

Well, I guess you'll wanna come in. - Okay. - "Okay."

So come to The Legless Frog, if you want to get sick and die and leave a big, garlicky corpse! P.S. Parking was ample.

Homer, we talked about cable before. Do you really think we can afford it ? Nothing a month ? Yeah, I think we can swing that. Mmm. Are you sure this is legal ?

Wait one second. Let me check. Uh, Homer Sexual ? Uh, come on. Come on. One of you guys has gotta be Homer Sexual. Don't look at me. Now, you rotten little punk, if I ever get ahold of you, I'll sink my teeth into your cheek and rip your face off !

Kids, there's three ways to do things-- the right way, the wrong way and the Max Power way. Isn't that the wrong way? Yeah, but faster! D'oh! We should really put that in the corner. Max power

Do yourself a favor. Don't turn around. i told you not to turn around.

Hope I don't give you... heartburn! Huh?

The challenger learned how to fight... in the notorious projects of Capital City... and honed his skills while serving time... for aggravated assault and manslaughter in Springfield Prison. All right ! A local boy ! For five years I was incarcerated, away from my family and the mother to my children.

Ay. ¿DÓnde estÁ mi tequila?

Oh, no, Jasper. They may say she died of a burst ventricle, but I know she died of a broken heart.

Oh, my God, he's dead. Okay, which one of you guys parked in front of the hydrant?

Marge, this may not be the most appropriate forum for what I'm about to put forth, but... would you go to the prom with me ?

Springfield Gorge ? - Bart, you'll be killed ! - Lisa,

I reached him. Homer, drive defensively. - Sometimes the best defense is a good offense. - Faster, Dad. Truckasaurus awaits. Damn ! No spots ! Ooh, I think there's one over there.

My son. My son. Come on, Flanders. He's not that bad.

Lieutenant! Lieutenant Smash! Huh? Oh, Admiral. Hup! The hippie fantasy again? They're getting less frequent, sir. Excellent. Well, there's no easy way to say this. The new administration is shutting down Project Boy Band.

It could be anything. It could be a mutant from the nuclear plant. Oh, fiddle-faddle. Everyone knows our mutants have flippers. Ooh, oops. I've said too much. Smithers, use the amnesia ray. You mean, the revolver, sir? Precisely. Be sure to wipe your own memory clear when you're finished.

Baby to Marge. Baby to Marge. Wah! Wah! Over.

Take that! In the face! You knocked his block off! Come with me. Check it out. I built myself a healthy apple.

Now, here's a piece of bad news. Oh, Abe! You've aged terribly.

Ah, what noble visionary thought up April Fools' Day? Like Halloween and Christmas, April Fools' Day traces its origins to pagan ritual. God bless those pagans. April first used to be the pagan new year. Blood for Baal! Blood for Baal!

Now when Bart goes home, he gonna have to follow a program of strict diet and exercise. Damn it, I will not bury another patient! Doctor, you're a pediatrician! Yeah. But my head's been somewhere else this year.

and... freeze finish! J She likes to party She likes to rockJ - JJ - Yeah! But there's lots of other fun instruments, like bass. I hope you wont judge the entire Brian Setzer Orchestra by my actions. Rock and roll is supposed to be about peace and love. - Who said that? - Will you stop saying that?

Fine. Ooh, a dancing Jesus. If there's a better use for the Internet, I haven't found it. If you've committed a crime and you want to confess, click "yes." Otherwise click "No."

Or what? You'll release the dogs or the bees, or dogs with bees in their mouth, and when they bark, they shoot bees at you?

Can it be that the champion of child literacy can't even read himself ? Is it a crime to be illiterate ?

No, I can't. I'm just a big fool. Oh, no, you're not ! How do you know ? Because my mother taught me never to kiss a fool. Carl. Now go get 'em, tiger. And now, with some fresh insights, one of the rising young stars of our nuclear family, Homer Simpson.

Race Banyon and Buzz Aldrin, the second man on the moon. Second comes right after first.

Well, Lisa, I finished my rÉsume. Uh, I think it needs a little padding. What are you putting in there? Up, up, up. When I'm done.

You better. I've already sold a bunch of subscriptions. How do you think I got these swell prizes? All right, Nelson, what kind of journalism skills do you have? I don't know. Making nerds cry? Perfect. You're our TV critic. Ralph, what about you?

I'm gonna be playing this tightly wound convenience-store clerk, And, you know, I kinda like to research my roles and really get into it. For instance, True Believer. I actually worked in a law firm for two months. And in the film Chaplin-- I had a little cameo in that-- I actually traveled in time back to the '20s where-- Well, I-i've said too much.

Don't you think we ought to attack the roots of social problems... instead of jamming people into overcrowded prisons? Look, Lisa, it's McGriff, the Crime Dog. Hello, Lisa. Help me bite crime. Ruff, ruff.

Hmm. Throat looks a little red. I'd better spray it. Oh, thanks, nice lady. My voice is crazy with this spraying already. Oy, I feel so much better, Mr. Medical Science-type Person.

It all started on the 13th hour of the 13th day... of the 13th month. We were there to discuss the misprinted calendars the school had purchased. Lousy "Smarch" weather. "Do not touch Willie." Good advice.

Barkeep, some cheap domestic beer for me and my buddy here. I'm not your buddy, you greedy old reptile. Smithers, who is this saucy fellow? Homer Simpson. Sector sieben-gruben-- I mean, sector 7-G. Recently terminated. I lost my job so you could have another $100 million!

Yes, sir. Because I killed an innocent bird. Dear Lord! We just wanted you to put fresh newspaper on the tribunal floor! We're knee-deep in our own droppings. It's disgusting. But since you've confessed to birdslaughter, we have no choice but to peck your face off. No! Not the face!

So have a merry Christmas, happy Hanukkah, "kwazy" Kwanzaa, a tip-top Tet... and a solemn, dignified Ramadan. Now a word from my god, our sponsor.

You got the dud! Hey, he looks just like you, Poindexter!

- Meet me tomorrow for brunch. - What's brunch ? You'll love it. It's not quite breakfast, it's not quite lunch, but it comes with a slice of cantaloupe at the end.

Oh, this is the worst party ever. I don't know. Remember that New Year's Eve at Lenny's? He didn't even have a clock. Oh, Marge, I thought it would be fun to be on Springfield's A-list,

I want more! Yeah, me too. We'll take a bushel or a pack or-- just give it to me! Yech! Can I interest you in a mincemeat pie? - They're very-- - Does it have tomacco in it? No, but I use only the-- Pass! I was here first. Come on, come on, people!

Thank you, Marge. Now let's see how Olde Snob-field does without electricity. Whoo-hoo! Oh, no. You can't do heart surgery in the dark! Sounds like a wager to me. I'll take a piece of that.

Let's make this the best year ever. - [Shredder Whirring f - f Gurgling f

steps up to greet me raindrops keep fallin' on my head but that doesn't mean my eyes Will Soon be turnin' Red

He's down there. Crud! Do you find something comical about my appearance... - when I am driving my automobile? - Yeah. Everyone needs to drive a vehicle-- even the very tall. This was the largest auto that I could afford.

What? What's that? Hi, Mom. Hi, Dad. Home already? Boy, time really flies when you're reading-- The Bible? Ew. Well, we brought some pizza.

I am a workaholic. I push myself too hard. It takes me a long time to learn anything. I'm kind of a goof-off-- That will do. Stuff starts disappearing-- That's enough. There's a problem with the reactor. What do you do? A problem with the reactor?! We're all going to die!

Oh, Santa's got a little trick up his sleeve. Attention shoppers, Register 9 is now open for your shopping convenience. Sorry, these are for display only. This has been recalled. Ooh, Bart would like this. We're out of these. Out? But I just-- Register 9 is now closed.

Hi, Lisa. Hi, Super Nintendo Chalmers. I'm "learnding."

james Woods. Previous job experience? Ooh, uh, gee, True Believer, uh, Salvador, Onion Field, The Hard Way. Wait-Wait a minute! Those aren't convenience stores. That sounds like the resume of a Hollywood movie star. Uh, yeah, well-- Huh! James Woods! Why would you want to work at a Kwik-E-Mart?

Back off, creep!

and I couldn't help overhearing that you need a babysitter. Of course, being a highly skilled attorney, my fee is $175 an hour. We pay eight dollars for the night, - and you can take two Popsicles out of the freezer. - Three. - Two. - Okay, two, and I get to keep this old birdcage. - Done. - Still got it.

You've just got to accept it. Your Gameboy is gone. It's at the bottom of the ocean. Aye, aye. Aye.

I know there's a lot of people who don't like me and wish I would go away, and I think we got off on the wrong foot. I know I can come off a little proactive, and for that I'm sorry. But if everyone could find a place in their hearts for the little dog nobody wanted, I know we can make 'em laugh...

Three-- Great. Great. just leave them right there on the floor on your way out.

Now remember. We have to leave nature just the way we found it. Everything we pack in, we pack out. What if I have to do my business? Use this plastic bag.

Get away, damn it! Run for your lives! I'll take a rocket bomb! What can I get for 30 cents? Let go! I gotta get to the tank! Heck, I can't decide without the pictures. Six, ha-ya-yah.

Hello. Selma Bouvier? It's Troy McClure. You may remember me from such dates as last night's dinner.

Mom, Dad, Bart and Stampy are gone! Oh, my Lord! I bet it's because of that horrible ivory dealer, Dad. He took Bart too? That wasn't part of our deal, Blackheart! That wasn't part!

It's more of a Shelbyville idea. Now wait just a minute. We're twice as smart as the people of Shelbyville. just tell us your idea, and we'll vote for it. All right. I tell you what I'll do. I'll show you my idea.

Oh! Oh! Sweet glayvin!

Homer Simpson? So, you finally learned my name, eh? Homer Simpson. I've got no time for your demented parlor games. You won't be telling anyone else that Homer Simpson shot you.

My game, my game ! I could have beat the boy. Marge, how could you ? I was so close.

I figured if one six-pack holder will catch one fish, a million sewn together will catch a million fish. Watch. What's going on? I call it the Burns Omni-Net. It sweeps the sea clean.

We're going to watch a show... about the everyday problems of angels. Now back to Good Heavens.

Well, come on down, you goofy roofy. Wow. It sure is slippery up here. My pies are done.

Except for huge gaps in the western states Hands Across America was a complete success. Hands across America... Well, I never thought I'd see it.

Whoa, tough crowd. They're booing Shakespeare!

Hmm. April Foo-- That sounded like an explosion at the old Simpson place. Forget it. That's two blocks away. Looks like there's beer coming out of the chimney.

Except for Marge. Marge, you tested positive for crack and P.C.P. Oh, my! Okay, the retest says you're clean. Sorry about the mistake. The only thing I'm high on is love-- love for my son and daughters. Yes, a little L.S.D. is all I need. All right. Sounds very good.

How ingenious. The forks are made out of Lego. Mmm.

O Memsahib, Bart. Rabbi has memo. What ? Ethan's very good with palindromes. You know, sentences spelled the same backwards and forwards. And this is Sidney Swift. Trabing norm doog. What's your problem ? Oh, don't mind Sidney. He's just speaking in backwards phonetics today.

Don't try and make me. If I have to get a divorce, I will! Our grand prize tonight is a vintage 1955... Harley-davidson motorcycle. I need a dance partner! - Uh? Uh. What about you? - Okay, daddy-o. Hey, hey! Set your socks on hop and your tutti to frutti.

Oh, my little Maggie. I may never hold you again. Ew! Stinky pants! Now, Marge, if the unthinkable should happen, you're gonna be lonely-- Oh, Homie, I could never remarry. Darn right. And to make sure, I want to be stuffed and put on the couch...

Yeah. Shoo, nerds! Shoo! Well, this muscle shirt's a pretty good find. Dad, that's a sports bra.

Well, judge for yourself. Here's Lisa today. Without treatment, here's what she'll look like at age 11, age 14, age 17... and, finally, age 18. Cool! She'll be a freak. Bart!

Hello? Yes, Governor! No, Governor. It's not too late. Yes, Governor. I'll tell him right away. The governor says he hopes you're a twitcher. Oh, yes!

Homer, I don't use the word "hero" very often. But you are the greatest hero in American history.

You know, you’re not helping. J In thejungle the creepyjungleJ J Homer rides a freak JJ Shh. Hey.

Only to serve them.

Maybe you should give him another chance. No. He's gotta learn, Marge. The way my dad made me learn. He is your dad. Cosmic.

Whoa, that's funny! There's only one way my show can compete with this. Book that animal that always chomps on my groin. Susan Anton? No, the lemur!

If I were her, I'd be buying me a great big chocolate apology cake. Authorities believe the wave of towel snappings will get worse...

I'd give anything for one of these. Any office supply company can have 'em made up for you. - Can I have this one? - No. Can... Lenny have it? No. Oh, that's my degree in nuclear physics. I'm sure you all have one. Oh, yeah. Carl and I each have a masters. Of course, old Homer-- He didn't need a degree.

To the book depository. Hey, Simpson. I'm feeling a mite peckish. Mind if I chew your ear? Dad, you killed the Zombie Flanders.

- Waterloo - Huh? Couldn't eScape if i wanted to I'm sorry, sir. I must've taped over that. Waterloo knowing my fate is to be with you

Dance! Dance! Dance! Dance!

I suddenly feel so dirty. I don't know what's happening. It seems our profits have dropped 37%. I'm afraid we have a bad image, sir. Market research shows people see you as something of an ogre. I ought to club them and eat their bones!

The only just solution is to cut the baby in half. (PIERCING FLESH) Wait a minute. I've killed a baby. I'm a monster. (GROWLS) I can't take anymore.

Good morning, sir. Relax, please. You do not have anything I have not seen before. What the-- Uh, I like to keep a lollipop there.

How naive of me to think a mere atom bomb could fell the chattering Cyclops! Well, at least I'll have my revenge! Bob, no! Don't you see? That would be taking the easy way out.

That's a powerful-- Oh! Hey! Whoa! Hold it, 'cause it's different! Whoo! Hey, cupcake, listen good. I want you to swallow that gum and meet me in the coatroom... in five, four, three, two, now. Whatever you say, Professor.

This is not good. Aw, nuts.

I will close plants in America and bring work here! ¡Viva, SeÑor Burns! ¡Viva! iViva! Whoa! Whoa! We did 20 takes, and that was the best one.

Krusty, say something funny. Oh, gee, a joke, huh? Um... uh... funny... Okay, this guy walks into a bar... and takes out a tiny piano and a 12-inch pianist... Oh, no, wait. I can't tell that one.

Hey, hey! Wiggedy, wiggedy. Poochie's in the house. We're done for, Bart! Not if I know cartoons. Whoa! Whew. That was close. Uh, Bart?

Zipperoonie. Oh, yeah. Urinal cake eroding. Eroding! Eroding! Gone!

My crappy, crappy bike!

Lousy, stinking piece of crap. Gotta change that answering machine tape! Oh, God, I gotta change that tape! Gotta change Maggie! Dear God, we gotta change Maggie!

Try to remember back when you were 12. Something frightening must have happened. Hmm. Twelve. Well, I remember I used to go hiking a lot with these two guys. It was one of those lazy summer days you thought would last forever. And to kill the boredom, we sang.

Unsatisfying sex life? N-- Yes! But, please, don't you say that word. What? Sex! What's so unappealing about hearing your elderly father talk about sex? I had sex!

What's it like, Bart? Bart? Bart? Give me that!

just be a lady, baby All I ask is one thing, baby Hello ! Why is there make-out music on ? - It helps me study. - Well, not me. Shut it off, and let's get down to business.

Dance! Dance! Dance! Dance! Sir, we'll need a new dangerous emissions supervisor. Yes, we'll find someone cheap. It's been a very lean year for us. Money fight!

You're absolutely right, Homer. We don't need a babysitter. Wait a second. Mmm. You kids do need a babysitter. Blast that infernal card. Don't give that card to me. Here you go-- No!

Hello. I'd like to talk to Dr. Monroe. First name, age, problem ? I'm Marge, 34, and my problem is my husband. He doesn't listen to me. He doesn't appreciate me. I don't know how much more of this I can-- Save your whining for when you're on the air, okay ?

Don't be discouraged, son. I bet Einstein turned himself all sorts of colors... before he invented the lightbulb.

Go away! Go away! Whatcha doin', Mom? I've tried heckling them. I've tried jeckling them. It's time I made myself a scarecrow.

Yes, yes, yes. That's fine. Good. Good. I hope you kept the Homie fires burning.

Tom jones? Yes? I was wondering if you'd be interested in performing at a private party. Sorry, mate. I don't do private parties. Well, then, perhaps you should look in this suitcase. All right, but I don't see--

You can't treat the workingman this way! One day, we'll form a union and get the fair and equitable treatment we deserve. Then we'll go too far and get corrupt and shiftless, and the japanese will eat us alive!

All that slime made this boar extra tender. More snout anyone? Mmm! Mmm! How's your dinner, Lise?

is a total disregard for the things St. Patrick's Day stands for. All this drinking, violence, destruction of property-- Are these the things we think of when we think of the Irish?

Huh? Welcome to my lair. You're going to help me. And if I don't? I've heard of a wailing wall,

Hey, hey! Are you ready to get rowdy? Excuse me? Somebody hired me for an emergency bachelor party. Well, there's been a mistake. Well, I'm not leaving till I get paid. I get 500 just for "Hey, hey!"

Something said. Not good. Get the hell out of here.

Come on. Hug me.

Now, about your punishment, young man. I know. I'll go to my room and think about what I did. Oh, no, your room is full of toys. You're going to the, uh, garage. You're the boss. I tell you, Chief. I just don't know what we're going to do with him. You know, you do have options.

You're just putting that in because it's commercial.

What "kooky projects"? You know, the painting class, the first aid course, the whole Lamaze thing. Why didn't you tell me you felt this way? You know I would never do anything to hurt your feelings. Good night.

¡Ay, Ay, Ay! ¡La policÍA!

and I shall tell you a tale. I normally don't laugh at other people's misfortunes, but on behalf of the recycling community, ha! Couldn't happen to anyone more deserving. They're not going to close the plant, are they? No. The bank put Lenny in charge. Uh, attention, everybody.

Dad, I don't think this is such a good idea. Thank you, Marge. Now let's see how Olde Snob-field does without electricity. Whoo-hoo!

I forgot my math book. Would you hold this for me, please? "Soitenly." Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk! Whoop. Shoe's untied.

There sure are a lot of ugly people in your neighborhood. Ooh! Look at that one! Oh, my glaucoma just got worse. The president is a demi-crat! Hello? I can't unbuckle my seat belt. Hello!

Whoa! Me rikey velly much!

But I think the dodo went extinct-- Get going! And answer those phones, install the computer system, and rotate my office so the window faces the hills. Uh-huh, uh-huh. Okay. Um, can you repeat the part of the stuff... where you said all about the... things? Uh, the things?

So if you don't want to see crude, lowbrow programming disappear from the airwaves, please, call now. Hello! Murdoch here. $10,000! You've saved my network. Wouldn't be the first time.

Well, anyhoo, can I have $40,000? Now, I know I haven't been the best jew, but I rented Fiddler on the Roof, and I will watch it. - Anyway, can I have $40,000? - Hmm? Now, I know I haven't been the best-- Oh, forget it.

- Thanks for your vote, girls. - We forgot. Well, don't sweat it, just so long as a couple of people did, right, Milhouse ? - Uh-uh. - Lewis ? - No. Somebody must've voted. What about you, Bart ? Didn't you vote ? Uh-oh. Aah ! Yea !

Oh, bunk with me tonight I'm asking will you bunk with me Tonight Oh, that's hot. There isn't a man alive who wouldn't get turned on by that. Well, good-bye.

My name is Otto. I love to get blotto. My name is Hans. Drinking has ruined my life. I'm 31 years old. My name is Homer, and I'm just here because the court made me come. Homer, with our help, you'll never touch a beer again.

I don't hear an alarm. Let's take stuff. Whoa! Isn't that stealing? No, it's just looting. Sweet. Let's go nuts. Hot town Summer in the city Back of my neck gettin' dirty and gritty Mannequins! You can't buy these! Oh, look at all these tube socks!

Homer, where did you get that?

Well, your story is very compelling, Mr. jackass-- I mean, Simpson. So, I'll just type it up on my invisible typewriter. You don't have to humiliate me.

We had quite a discussion about the funniest way to reveal them to you. You have octuplets. It rolls off your tongue and into your heart-- "octuplets." Apu, you should have seen your face... when they showed you those babies!

Milhouse, do you ever think about the people in those cars? I try not to. It makes it harder to spit on 'em. Sometimes I wonder about all the people in this town. Do you think anything interesting ever happens to 'em? I mean, there must be thousands of great stories out there.

I'm a small man in some ways, Bart. A small, petty man. Three months detention. Wait a minute, Bart. Make that... four months detention.

Hello, Simpsons. Artie Ziff! None other! I've been hiding in your attic living off the moisture I can suck from the rafters!

Sugar Ah, honey, honey Hey, I found some pearls. You are my candy girl No, wait. They're just my teeth. Well, I can still make a necklace out of them. And you got me Wantin' you

Example. Well, at McDonald's you can buy a Krusty Burger with cheese. But they don't call it a Krusty Burger with cheese. Get out. Well, what do they call it? A Quarter Pounder with cheese. Quarter Pounder with cheese? Well, I can picture the cheese, but, uh-- Do they have Krusty partially gelatinated nondairy gum-based beverages?

All right. Lights out! Aah! Damn it. Lights on! Lights on! Lights out. Lights out.

Oh, no. We're gonna make you sing, Bart Simpson. Yeah, Bart Simpson, we're gonna make you sing.

These people are obviously freaks. Oh, you think so ? Well, let's see what's behind door number two. What are they doing ? They're having a conversation. They enjoy talking. I wish I could hear what they're saying.

You rent your womb to a rich childless couple. If you agree, signify by getting indignant. Are you crazy? I'm not gonna be a surrogate mother. Come on, Marge. We're a team. It's "uter-us," not "uter-you." Forget it.

There's the enemy. Give them all you got. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love glue! I love you! Aw! Such a sweet little thing.

come on, come on

A chick flick? Say it ain't so, Ho! Son, seeing sappy movies with a lady has certain payoffs. Like what? They'll do something with you that they hate? Exactly. Where do I begin To tell the story of how great a love can be?

That's some nice flutin', boy. They will be playing "The Stars and Stripes Forever,"

(GRUNTING) Ugh! This one keeps eating himself. (MUNCHING) Hello? Octopuses, I'm done. Am I the only one here who's in horrible pain? You're the only one who won't shut up about it!

You... Why, you little... (CHOKING) You need a reason for strangling, do you... I'll fix your wagon... (CELL PHONE RINGS) Hello?

Let's just beat him up and take his stuff! No, no, no! Do not listen to that man. Remain calm. You will all have a chance to be gouged. Thank goodness!

Krusty wants out! No. The world needs laughter. Are we gonna die, son? Yeah.

Merry Christmas from the Simpsons!

Hey, maybe he'll lead us to bananas. Or more mouthwatering monkeys. Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Overtime for bag boys? Ridiculous! This is the place I've read about-- where Dr. Bushwell lives among the chimps.

Why does a dog have human girlfriends? People do crazy things in ads-- like eat at Arby's.

Gentlemen, it's time we face up to the un-face-up-to-able. We must sacrifice television in order to save the lives of our townspeople. Whoa! Whoa-ho-ho! Let's not go nuts! Would it really be worth living in a world without television?

You're all sick! Oh, be nice! Oh! My son doesn't stand a chance! The whole world's gone gay! Oh, my God! What's happening now? We work hard. We play hard. Everybody dance nOw

That's why I love elementary school, Edna. The children believe anything you tell them.

Good-bye, Lisa honey ! It'll be okay ! just read the note !

Hi, I'm Troy McClure. You may remember me from such nature films as Earwigs-- Eew!... and Man vs. Nature-- The Road to Victory.

Well, he is building a soap box derby racer! Oh, that would be perfect. Dear God! Not again!

They'll kill ya five times before ya hit the ground.

Oh, my. Gracias, seÑor. De nada. If you ever need me, just ring. Does anyone have any jumper cables?

Butch Patrick! That's right. I was TV's Eddie Munster. And being in the public eye didn't mess me up one bit. Mm-hmm. Well, obviously. Hey, one question, Eddie.

D'oh! Hey, I've got an idea. Why don't we go spit on the principal's car? Listen, Bart, there's such a thing as spending too much time together. Oh, fine. I'm tired of watching you two lip wrestle. There's plenty of other ways to be grossed out.

Take that, Mom! Take that, Dad! Send me to a psychiatrist, will you? Take that, Dr. Sally Waxler!

That's a new one! Wait a minute. One more time. Hello, my baby hello, my honey... Double-time now. I love school.

I believe I had a hat. Suckers!

Oh, hello, Kent. Right now, skilled technicians are calmly correcting a minor, piffling malfunction... ...but I can assure you and the public that there's absolutely no danger whatsoever. Things couldn't be more shipshape.

- It's for you. - D'oh! I'll show you!

So we're watching you by act of government Well, I don't know if the allegations are true But you got us and, baby, we got you Babe We got you, babe You know, Maggie hasn't been a Simpson as long as us.

Thank you, Dr. Hibbert. I rest my case. You rest your case? What? Oh, no. I thought that was just a figure of speech. Case closed. Excuse me, Your Honor. Yes, I'd like to bring something to the court's attention.

but it's going to stop now! Leopold. All right. You listen up, you little freaks! The fun stops here. You're gonna shut your stinkin' traps and behave, damn it! This is one substitute you're not gonna screw with! Marge Simpson.

In culture-- dead last. Eleanor, we've got to do something about this depression. So I propo-- Oh, that's right. I'm crippled. This is terrible. People will start to avoid Springfield. But what can I do? I'm just-- one-- one man.

We're gathered to mourn the passing... of Herschel Schmoeckel Krustofski, beloved entertainer and dear friend. Hello. I'm Troy McClure. You might remember me from such show business funerals... as "Andre the Giant, We Hardly Knew Ye," and "Shemp Howard: Today We Mourn a Stooge." Now, Krusty's closest friend and sidekick,

My name is Bruno Drundridge, right? You owe me $900, mate! No, you owe me $900! I-- YOu-- Ooh-- Y-- You're just some punk kid, aren't ya? You picked the wrong guy to tangle with here, mate. I don't think so. You're all the way in Australia.

Fifteen seconds to collision. We need a decision.

Well, it's about time you two woke up. Well, of course. It-- Who are you? Who am I? I'm Mrs. Ned Flanders. G'ah! Hey, smooth move, Flanders. And I'm Mrs. Homer Simpson.

Ah, nice to see ya. Hey, how about that Bloodzilla? Vampire Dinosaur? Oh, you can't make that stuff up.

This is what all those hours of playing Tetris were for. w'w' f Tetris Theme f

Why not? I remember my first after-school job. I was in a band. Hello, everybody. I'm Archie Bell, and I'm also The Drells. We got a new song called "Tighten Up," and this is the music you tighten up with.

ts not just a bug. ts the queen of something! Ten! Ten! Ten! Ten! Dont worry! I'll set fire to the hive! Twelve. Fifteen! 7031 Run!

We've got to do the jiminy jillickers scene again, Milhouse. But we already did it. It took seven hours, but we did it. It's done. Yes! But we've got to do it from different angles. Again and again! And again and again and again!

Cost us a bundle too. I guess we'll have an imagination Christmas this year. Yea! Imagination Christmas! I got a pogo stick. I got a hula hoop.

We're jamming to think that jamming wAs A thing of the past we're jamming Hey, man! I'm jamming! And i hope thiS time it's gonnA last hope you like jamming Shh! Jamming

We're trapped! Lisa, we may not make it.

na-na, na-na, na-na, na-na leader na-na, na-na, na-na, na-na leader na-na, na-na, na-na, na-na leader leader, leader batman i mean-- Leader I love the Leader.

What if instead of giving up on grease, we go for one last big score? Wait a minute. The boy's right. I can't quit now! Aw! You always know just what to say to cheer me up. Emu farm? You're priceless, Marge.

Two uni. And, oh, I don't believe I've tried the flying fish roe.

Hey, fellas, good news. I found an extra 75-watt bulb lying around. D'oh!

Abe, tell 'em about your amazing life. I spent 40 years as a night watchman at a cranberry silo. Wow!

So I want the monogram to read M-A-X P-O-W--

I talked to Dr. Hibbert today. He gave me a list of heart-smart foods. "Cotta-hay cheese"? Cottage cheese! Yuck! From the looks of it, this cheese has already been eaten.

and star of a Disney Channel movie. I played the gentle giant, "Stay-off-drugs-ia." I know why you're here.

I wish the government would get off his back. That Burns is just what this state needs: young blood ! I hope Burns and I can count on your support, honey.

Why you little-- Why you big-- Bart, go to your room. I'm out of here. Look, Marge, honey, baby, doll, I-- Homer, I don't even want to look at you right now. What are you saying, honey ? But where will I sleep ? My suggestion... is for you to sleep in the filth you created. Would a motel be okay ?

Aw, geez! Homer, get ready! Patty and Selma will be here any minute! Oh, no! Better ride this one out in the closet.

Marge, do you know how beautiful you look in the moonlight? jacques, I'm a married woman. I know, I know. My mind says "Stop!" but my heart and my hips cry "Proceed!" Marge, darling, I want to see you tomorrow.

Too salty. Um... nah. Hmm ? Nah, too corny. Too exciting. Patty, he's out buying me something right now. Oh, Marge. He never gets anything you want. He always gets something for himself.

Wow! I will never wash these eyes again. Get off the road, you freakin' maniac!

He- Now he’s... got it!

Now kill him! Hey! Ah, my jugular! Ah! Oh! Any questions?

There was no wolf. I faked the whole thing. I'm just gonna lie on the floor now. Please don't let me swallow my tongue. There. Doesn't it feel better to tell the truth? Oh, dear. All right, now, boy.

(HUMMING) Hmm? (PSYCHADELIC MUSIC PLAYING) Cool, but I'll never pass with this. I better switch samples.

So, what are you in for? I moved here from Canada, and they think I'm slow, eh?

You're failing, Seymour. What is it about you and failure?

I can't! My mom's not picking me up for an hour! (SIGHS) So, what do you think of today's popular music scene? I think it distracts people from more important social issues. My God, are you always on?

Wellity, wellity, wellity.

(ALL SCREAMING) Never leave the day room. Never leave the day room. Never leave the day room.

I need to unwind. I know you do, Marge but you know what our vacations are like-- Those three monsters in the backseat-- "Are we there yet? Are we there yet?" And I'm no day at the beach either.

Oh, no! No one does this to Dolph! No one! (LAUGHS) Uh-oh! Whoa! I'm riding a unicycle with my pants down. This should be every boy's dream. Ha-ha! Your dad's not handy.

I'm getting a cramp in my wrist! Oh, boo-hoo. After all the times I've done it, my wrist sounds like a cement mixer. Ow! Come on, Seymour. - Mau! Didi mau! - Ow! I told you no one can climb a rope. It's physically impossible.

Hop in! But, sir-- I said hop in.

Thank you, Troy. Hi, everybody. Hi, Dr. Nick. Troy, I brought with me the gravestone... of author and troubled soul, Edgar Allan Poe. One of our best writers. Yes, but unfortunately a century of neglect... has turned this tombstone into a depressing eyesore. I guess we're gonna have to throw it away.

Those things are rigged.

That's all well and good for sheep, but what are we to do?

and the guy's hands get hands get all sticky. But your jelly stays right in the middle where it's supposed to. I don't know how you do it. You just got a gift, I guess. I've always thought so. I just never mentioned it, but it's time you knew how I feel. I don't believe in keeping feelings bottled up.

Aren't I entitled to a little dignity? You're, uh-- You're right, Sergeant. Well, I don't see any way out of this. Now, if you'll allow me, I think I have a solution... that'll satisfy the town and let Sergeant Skinner keep his dignity.

and I bought tickets to their entire season. Look, "Mostly Madrigal." Uh, that might be good. Oh! Oh, "An Evening with Philip Glass." just an evening? "Voices of the Elderly," or-- Hmm.

Stand still! There's a spark in your hair! Get it! Get it! Get it! Hot stuff comin' through. Dad, why did you bring me to a gay steel mill? I don't know! This is a nightmare!

- Me! - Me! Me! - The dump? Yeah, we're gonna get rid of the Christmas tree. It's starting to turn brown. Want to come with? No, I don't feel like going to a trash pile today. It's your life. We'll bring you back somethin' nice.

Damn it! (ALL TALKING INDISTINCTLY) I thought our mysterious pranksters might be here tonight. So I covered the meeting hall with ultraviolet powder. Behold the perpetrators!

Welcome, swappers, to the Springfield Swap Meet. Ich bin ein Springfield Swap Meet patron. I need a drink and a shower.

I have to go now. My planet needs me. Wow! Poochie came from another planet?

Quit yer yappin'. I'm freezin'. Good morning, everybody. Homer! Stupid graVity. We can't just give up our home.

D'oh! Not again! I can't take much more of your blundering numskullery. I'll be in the car, dudes.

They approach the final hole in the shadow of the great emancipator, deadlocked at eight strokes on the happy side of par. Soon, one man will emerge triumphant. He will drink naught but champagne, while his opponent tastes bitter defeat in this oft cruel game.

Shh! Baby made a boom-boom.

Hey, set me down at that boat show. I'm gonna be riding on a pack of cigarettes?

What the heck are you doin' over there? There! You found the floor. "Y." "Y." "Y." "Y." "Y." "Y."

before. Shot? By you? I'm afraid not, my primitive friend. Your kind has neither the cranial capacity, nor the opposable digits to operate a firearm. The one who shot me was-- M-Maggie Simpson!

Oh, finally, some repression. All right, everyone! Disperse immediately! We are prepared to use force! What? What? We're not prepared, Eddie? - Get 'em! - Uh-oh. Someone call 911! Oh, they never come.

Go ahead, Ralphie. The stranger is offering you a treat.

Aha. Say no more. I read you loud and clear. The old shoulder pads. Look, I want a cup. Cup. Could you spell that? C-U-P. I wanna C-U-- Oh, my God!

A cartoon ax. I love it.

Why doesn't mine look like that? Why? Da-- Why? Why must life be so hard? Why must I fail in every attempt at masonry?

what A handsome lad

The burglar even took my stamp collection. You had a stamp collection? Stamp collection? Ha-ha! Ohh. Bart's pain is funny, but mine isn't. That saxophone was my one creative outlet.

I declare an end to the spectacular 3-D blood and gore!

One potato, two potato-- No, wait. Bubble gum, bubble gum, in a dish. How many pieces do you wish? No! No! 30 seconds to core meltdown.

Ba, ba ba-ba, ba-Ba, ba-ba ba-ba, ba, ba ba, ba, ba ba-ba ba-ba, ba-ba, ba, ba ba, ba, ba-ba Work that body, Homer.

Hello, Homer. (GASPS) It's Ray! I see him again! Monster, you don't exist! - (GRUNTS) - (GROANS) Hey, no one calls me a monster and questions my existence! (GROANS) The awesome power of the human mind.

Homer, say something. HoW much does it pay?

I like the cut of your jib. What's a jib? Promote that man.

Ooh! Erotic cakes.

Then I was slain by an elf. Listen to yourself, man. You're hangin' with nerds. You take that back! Homer, please. These boys sound very nice, but they're clearly nerds.

- Are you stuck in a dead-end job? - Maybe. Are you squandering the precious gift of life in front of the idiot box? What's it to you? Are you on your third beer of the evening? Does whiskey count as beer? Well, maybe it's time you joined the exciting field of monorail conducting... by enrolling at the Lanley Institute.

Yea! This is all your fault! It-- Oh, how can I stay mad at you? Mm! There it is!

Homer, what's the matter? Ain't you never seen a naked chick ridin' a clam before? Gotta go! Ahhh! What the hell was that? I probably shouldn't have eaten that packet of powdered gravy I found in the parking lot.

I've dreamed of the day you'd say that! Oh, your thoughtfulness tastes so good. (SOBBING) And tears are the sweetest sauce. All right, now you're starting to creep me out.

Don't listen to my husband. He's just an idiot.

Oh, my goodness! That's Tattoo Annie. "What kind of slime would I marry?" I don't understand. It's one of those Mad Magazine fold-ins. Amazing!

If you're Saved and you know it clap your hands if you're saved and you know it clap your handS Oh, great. Christians.

Crack that whip licorice whip I Said whip it licorice whip

I can't believe how much we have in common. We're both studying the environment, we're both utterly humorless about our vegetarianism, and we both love the Rolling Stones. Yes, not For their music, but for their tireless efforts to preserve historic buildings.

Sold separately Sometimes I feel like I've been sold Separately But out of the box I find you poseable

I'm sure you all heard of the dead letter office. Well, as a souvenir of your visit, you can each help yourself to one piece of undeliverable mail. I'll take you. I got some dog food!

Duffman wants to party down with the man who sent in...

At the end of 13 seconds it's New England seven, Denver nothing. D'Oh!

A voice like his would give our house a much-needed touch of class. All right, but I'm doing this because he was Remington Steele. He was Remington Steele, wasn't he? Yes, I was, Marge. And thank you for selecting me.

I feel like liver and onions. Mmm.

Slimy Prince Limey! Well, hello, love. Give us a kiss then. You call that charming? "Hocus-croakus." Oh. Excellent, Lisa. A-plus. And we'll discuss your grade over breakfast.

I always secrete ocular fluid at weddings. Why did you drag me here? I don't know anybody. Husband and wife, I pronounce you now. Hmm?

I am richer than you.

- Still looking for a new faith? - Yep. Hey, how about one of those religions where you eat a human heart? No. How about Methodist? No!

A-ha! Here's a mistake. It says the capital of Kentucky is Frankfort. (LAUGHS DERISIVELY) Dream on, pal. Homer, the capital of Kentucky is Frankfort. Really? Frankfort-er. Is that anything? Uh, yes, it's something, dear.

Hello, there, Mr. Weasel. isn't that cute? i'm down!

Um, I don't know. But lucky for you, somebody here is responsible. Hey! There's a New Mexico. Whoa, Nelly! Oh! Quick, Homer! Which way do we turn? So many Krusty Burger locations.

It's just a little further. Come on. just a little bit more. You're doing great. That's it. Come on. just a little bit more. I know you can do it. I believe in you. Yes!

Young man... youve ingested a dangerous amount of alcohol. The only dangerous amount is none. Let's go to the IHOP. I'm driving. - Come on! - Hey! Hey! - Okay, Burger King! Whatever! Get his leg! Tonight I learned the two of us cant work.

So the hook is baited.

KENT: In an attempt to curb copycat pie-ings, the police have organized a pie-for-guns exchange. The pies were immediately detonated by the bomb squad. (EXPLODING) Aw! Those poor innocent pies. Some days you just don't want to be a cop, you know? I'm gonna go turn the siren on. That always cheers me up.

I'm coming home, honey. You can pick me up in an hour and bring the kids. Bye. D'oh! Please, don't jump. I know you're going through some tough times but you have your whole life ahead of you.

You're acting crazy, Marge. Why don't you take a stress pill? Don't like pills, huh? I could shoot a dart in your neck. Your elegant, swan-like neck.

Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! We're here.

Come on! Where's your freak bus? I drive a Saturn. A Saturn? We used to have a bus. In a way, the '60s ended the day we sold it-- December 31, 1969. Yeah, an old-time freak-out sounds tempting, Homer, but we've got a big order to fill.

One, two, three o'clock, four o'clock rock five, six, seven o'clock, eight o'clock rock nine, ten, eleven o'clock, twelve o'clock rock we're gonna rock around the world tonight Oh, this sucks. Come on, snipers, where are you?

That's Canyonero. Wait! Where you going? I still got plenty of beefs. Fat-free yogurt. The-The quality of computer porn. I knew I should've gone on first.

I'll be beaming out 11 watts of wackiness! Hour after hour of unscripted, unrehearsed comedy, featuring, uh, you know, uh, Professor Gas Can! Uh, and, uh, former president, Ike Eisenhower! Let's get busy! Oh! My utopia lies in ruins.

Homer, I don't want you driving around in a car you built yourself. Marge, you can stand there finding fault, or you can knit me some seat belts. Sorry, sorry. Dad, you got a letter from the City of New York.

The Simpsons D'oh!

Maude and her mother were visiting Tyre and Sidon, the twin cities of the Holy Land. They must've kneeled in the wrong place and prayed to the wrong god... because, well, they're being held prisoner by militants of some sort. Militants, huh? Well, if I were you, I'd kick their asses. Well, anyhoo-dilly-doodle, the embassy says it's just a routine hostage-taking,

Oh! What are you doing to me? I said start it at 60 r.p.m., then move it up to 100 on the skirt blow! - Sorry, Krusty, I choked. - You choked? You choked?

Uhh! I'm gonna make it. I'm gonna make it! This is the greatest thrill of my life! I'm king of the world! Whoo-hoo! Whoo-hoo! I--

So that's how it happened. I would've thought...

IN the gaRden of Eden honey don't you know that I love you - in the garden of Eden - baby don't you know that I'll always be true

Sir, the actors are here to audition for the part of you. Excellent. Excellent. Next. Exc-ell-ent. Next. Exactly. D'oh!

Crackers, ho! I never knew cracker production could be so exciting! But where do they make those crackers with the peanut butter already inside? Uh, put this on and come with me, son. Whoo-hoo!

Dear God, it's Homer. If you really love me, you'll save my life now. D'oh! He's getting closer!

I'll find religion. I'll be good sometimes. Let go of my leg. No! Son, for the last time, you're staying at military school. And so am I. This school has everything I ever wanted. Lisa, no! This place is just a jail for children. No jail can hold me.

Well, I've gotta hand it to you, Seymour. These drab student coverings... have created the perfect distraction-free environment, thus preparing the children for permanent positions in tomorrow's mills... and processing facilities.

(HISSING) (MEOWING)

Attention. Flight 605 to Tokyo is ready for departure, and has four available mega-saver seats. Yeah! Come on, Homer. Japan. No, not Japan, Jamaica. I wanna pass the dutchie on the left-hand side. Never mind. Looks like the Flanders are gonna get those seats anyway.

- There. Finished. - You are ? Well, it's a quick job, but it's shelter. - It is ? - Uh-huh. Okay. We'll be back with help before you know it. You girls just stay here and relax. Remember, the handle of the Big Dipper points to the North Star. That's nice, Lisa, but we're not in astronomy class.

Dad, you blew it. You listened to Lisa and then you lost your stranglehold on the audience. I'll audience you! (CHOKING) So that's why Bart has all those broken tracheal bones. Tight bow tie, my ass!

I'll never be alone and you my friend Will see you've got A friend in me Hot cakes... football... boobies--

which amply covers both food and car. I-- Holy jumping Caesar's catfish! My "H" has been stolen! Oh! That's how people knoW it's a Honda! What's the point of having a Honda if you can't show it off? Sir, if you'll just stop yelling at me, I'm sure I can find a replacement.

just for that, you have to crawl around on the floor like the dog you are. But you-- Yes, ma'am. Now say, "I am Homer Simpson, the lowly dog." In a dog voice. I am Homer Simpson. Oh, good. Jump, Homer. Jump.

Got your nose. Got your wallet. No! Bart, don't you ever do that again. Understand? Beep. Guess what, Homie? There's going to be... twice as much love in this house as there is now.

Hello, Mother. Hello, Father. I missed you during my uneventful absence.

G-G-Good n-n-night, D-D-Dad. G-G-Good n-n-night, son. Sleep tight.

Look at those funny little whiskers. Ooh ! That reminds me. It's Big Gorilla Week on Million Dollar Movie. Come on, boy. Uh, no, Dad. I should really-- Ah ! Ooh ! Gorilla the Conqueror. The granddaddy of them all. Oh, well, maybe just one more hour.

Nobody will ever cut me off again.

And when it's time to do the dishes, where's Ray Bolger? I'll tell ya. Ray Bolger is lookin' out for Ray Bolger!

Uh, well, uh, I have a question, Mr. Jenkins. Could you tell us about all the hard work and buckling down that you put into every cartoon? Are you kidding? This is the easiest job in the world. I spend most of my time eating candy and going to R-rated movies. Wow. Cool.

Good. Now sprinkle your sparkles on your paste. Lisa, you're not sprinkling your sparkles. Shove it. I have never seen a good student take such a slide. Lisa, what are you rebelling against? What do you got?

And what would you like, little boy ? You're not really Santa, tubby. Why, you little egghead ! No, Homer ! If such an emergency arises, you just tell them Santa's very busy this time of year, and you are one of his helpers. Oh, I knew that one too !

Are you averse to crispy centers, sir?

"Your son has been kidnapped."

Fine. I'll do it myself. That was amazing, Mr. Burns! I was a little worried when he swallowed me, but, well, you know the rest. Ah. And now for my triumphant return to Springfield.

Horribly delicious. You know, she's only fattening you up so she can eat you. Eh. What are you gonna do? Well, at least stop basting yourself. Mmm.

Boy, I can't believe you got expelled! Well, don't expect to spend all week lying around on the couch like a bum! 'Cause that's my thing! Bart, a school-sponsored medieval festival is supposed to be the best day of a young girl's life. And you ruined it! You deserved to be expelled! I didn't do it!

Listen, you don't have a soul, I don't have a soul. There's no such thing as a soul!

Hi, everybody! Ho... mer Simp... son. Okay, that was a little strange. Um, tell me, how you feeling today? Homer... Simpson. Homer. D'oh, Simpson. Hmm, that seems to be all you can say.

So what happens now? Is the food free, or do we pay someone? Course not. They send ya a bill. Well, that's why I asked. That's how you learn-- By asking, you dumb-ass.

Marge, since the kids left, I've lost five pounds! Oh, that's wonderful!

A star We do We do Who robs cave fish of their sight Who rigs every Oscar night We do We do Shh!

This is made from a space-age fabric... developed especially for Elvis. Sweat actually cleans this suit. Hmm.

I just put a rock in your crummy town. That's a crud rock. It belongs in Crud Town.

the medicine balls. Ugh. Ugh.

Turning to the stock market, Animotion is up an eighth-- Yes! after plunging 75 points this morning. Oh. I hope "plunging" means "up" and "75" means "200." The firm declared super-duper bankruptcy, which is terrible news for the company's only stockholder, Homer Simpson. Oh!

The dream police they live inSide of my bed the dream police they come to me in my head the dream police they're going to arrest me now oh, no Oh! Howdy, neighbor!

(INDISTINCT) Turns out he's choking on a peanut. Well, punch to the gut cleared that right up. (KIDS LAUGHING) Hey, Bart. Me and Mrs. Krabappel, we're gonna go play some backgammon, if you know what I mean. I don't. But I hope you win. Oh, he's gonna win. Some guys like a challenge, not me.

I know you're going to like your present. Shut up! Shut up! Kiss my butt! Go to hell! Dad, I promise I will never get tired of this.

Come on, Bart. Ride me. I better not. He's insulting both of us. Let's go.

Cyohl f Computer Beeps f

What have I done? What have I done?

Oh, please stop. I'm just getting started. Ohh!

Though it was unusual to spend 28 minutes reporting on a doll, this reporter found it impossible to stop talking. It's just really fascinating news, folks. Good night. Oh, and the president was arrested for murder. More on that tomorrow night.

What are you reading, Homie? "The Bridge Column." Oh, that South. You never know what he'll do next. Hmm. Oh, look at that dad in Drabble. He's like an unfunny version of me. Where's Bart? His Mountain Dew is getting flat.

Let's go over to the county courthouse live to Kent Brockman. ...ockman, just outside the county courtroom where an argument about chowder... has spilled over into the biggest trial in Springfield history. Behind these doors, a federal judge will ladle out steaming bowls... of rich, creamy justice in a case the media have dubbed...

Oh, why am I bothering? It's hopeless. Hi, kids. It's me, Gabbo! Pork prices rose in early trading today.

Wow, Dad. You're really working hard. Yes, I gotta work hard, honey. Daddy made a lot of "crazy promises."

"Number two: horny.

No need, Dad. Over the years, I've learned to find father figures wherever I can.

Dad, did you hear something? I don't know. Dad? Mm-hmm? My new doll's much better than Malibu Stacy. Do a newscast about her. Oh, please, honey. Daddy's job is to bring people important news. I'm very busy preparing a report about the 40th anniversary of Beetle Bailey.

No. Not the memoirs. Don't even think about it. Not gonna happen.

your ass is mine.

Must... suppress... rage. Huh? Come on, Angry Dad. Get angry! Don't make me do a clip show! Hello there, Flan-diddly-danders.

But the following year, Scratchy was teamed up with a psychotic young mouse named Itchy, and cartoon history was made.

What? How could you?

Why, oh, why Delilah It's 11 K-BBL degrees below zero. I hope you're someplace warm. You bet your sweet... ass!

4:30 in the morning. There's a 4:30 in the morning now? Top of the hour. Time for the morning news. But, of course, there is no news yet. Everyone is still asleep in their comfy, comfy beds. Good night, everybody.

Animals are crapping in our houses, and we're picking it up. Did we lose a war? That's not America. That's not even Mexico! Don't you deserve better than the best? Yeah! Who should handle all your dirty jobs? Someone else! Someone else! Someone else!

Hello, children. Hello, Bart. Eep!

and the sail is made of scabs and dynamite. It's small and it's smelly, but it should carry both of us to-- Whoo-hoo! That-That's the third time that's happened!

I guess we'll have to agree to agree on this one. Boobs! Smithers, do you know Bill from Accounting? - That's his daughter. - Hmm.

Satan, eat my shorts.

Dad, you got attacked by a bear?

You guys think I'm dead, but I'm not. I want you to straighten this out without a lot... of your bureaucratic red tape and mumbo jumbo! Okay, Mr. Simpson. I'll just make the change here. And you're all set. I don't like your attitude, you Watercooler dictator. What do you have in that secret government file anyway? I have a right to read it. You sure do.

Everyone does it. (CHUCKLES) (GROANS) Oh, Homie, I'm so proud of you. You stood up for people's right to express love in its most perfect form, a binding legal contract. (DOORBELL RINGING)

Uh, Marge-- you still got that deposit check? Oh! Oh, WOW. Lucky thing we landed on this bubble wrap.

Oh, that's just perfect! Homer's desperate search for a soul mate... has yielded a lighthouse-keepin' robot! Oh, wow! Hey, look! Is that Dad? Either that, or Batman's really let himself go.

In my weaker moments, I almost pity them. Then I just remind myself they're trying to teach.

I'm bored. I'm restless. Need change in life. Like imported leather leash. Uh, blue contact lenses. Two hundred-volt shock training collar.

More. Mmm! I don't understand it. James Coco went mad in 15 minutes.

And now there's a beach ball on the field, and the ball boys are discussin' which one of them's gonna go get it. I never realized how boring this game is.

Give me the bat, Marge. Give me the bat. Give me the bat. Come on. Give me the bat. Give me the bat, bat, ooh. Scaredy-cat. You stay here till you're no longer insane.

Hey, you ! You cut me off! Oh, yeah! you! Dad! That's an ambulance! Oh, right. ambulance! Think you're so big with your siren... and your letters on backwards!

But the handle is covered with something else. The unmistakable fragrance of eel pie. Hey, lots of people like eel pie! Yeah? Well, how many of them have mutton chops? And why can't you be more like Eddie? He never says a word against me. Well, that's because you cut out his tongue. (MUMBLES) He's right, Chief.

Your cable TV is experiencing difficulties. Please do not panic. Resist the temptation to read or talk to loved ones. Do not attempt sexual relations, as years of TV radiation... have left your genitals withered and useless. Well, I'll be damned.

Commence bio-duplication. Oh, no. Aliens, bio-duplication, nude Conspiracies-- Oh, my God, Lyndon LaRouche was right!

Hello. I have a certificate for a free erotic photo session. Oh, yes. Your name? Uh, Geraldo Simpson. All right, Mr. Simpson-- Who told you? Don't worry. These photos are perfectly legal.

They're years ahead of us. Mom! Lise! Check it out. Dad's on TV. Oh, yeah!

Oh, your family's out of control, but we can't blame you, because you have good intentions!

Oh, I guess you're only familiar with the new Batman movies. Michelle Pfeiffer. Ha. The only true Catwoman is julie Newmar, Lee Meriwether or Eartha Kitt. And I didn't need molded plastic to improve my physique. Pure West.

Hmm. I never heard of a baby swallowing a magazine before-- And I'm a doctor. I don't know if it matters, but it was a Time magazine. - Does that matter? - Uh-oh. - This could be dangerous. - What? What? Syrian hard-liners are gaining influence.

Now, how are we going to get my Homie back? I'll kidnap him for 50, deprogram him for 100, and I'll kill him for 500. No, no, no. just the first two. All right. I'll throw in the killin' for free.

That's very nice, Dad, but it's wrong for you to reward violent, competitive behavior. However, I will sit up front with you if it's a fatherly gesture of love. Okay, hon. Sucker! Competitive violence! That's why you're here!

No, Maggie ! Bad baby !

Lab. Greetings, friend. Do you wish to look as happy as me? Why, it's the AT-5000 Auto-Dialer, my very first patent. Ah, would you listen to the gibberish they've got you saying? It's sad and alarming.

I'll take a dozen. (CHUCKLES) Do you have a T-shirt with Calvin peeing on Hobbes? Sorry. Ah. Well, what do you got him peeing on? (SIREN BLARES) Well, well, well. Selling T-shirts without a permit. And it looks like one of the lights in your sneakers is out.

Kids, all I ever did was sit in class and doodle. Like this one. It's what your principal would look like as a woman. Fire, children! Hurry outside!

But for once in your life, can't you just be cool? Yeah. Be cool like us. Coolee. Coolee cool. Come on, fool. Be coolee coolee cool. - (CREAKING) - (GRUNTS) (GLASS SHATTERING) (GUNS COCKING) (GASPS) Yo, put away your Glocks, man. Yes. Share with us the wisdom of the street, O mighty Alcatraaaz.

Look, I know I don't have any proof. But this woman is trying to kill me!

Ha-ha! Cops can't win! Get his license and registration. Right, Chief.

Look at me, Lise. I'm Baron Von Chicken Pants. Bart, that's tomorrow night's dinner. You're tomorrow night's dinner. Mom! Bart took what I said and turned it into an insult! That's nice, dear!

Hey, kids. i made your favorite cookies. Christmas trees for the girls and bloody spearheads for Bart. Aw, thanks, Mom.

You must find and devour the seven crystal babies... or spend eternity trapped in deep didgeridoo! I am so scared. All right. I guess you're supposed to go through this stupid door. Hmm. I wonder what's in this glowing barrel.

So, Professor, would you say it's time for everyone to panic? Yes, I would, Kent. Ladies and gentlemen. Ladies and gentlemen, please. We have a major break in the case. We recovered the burglar's handkerchief from one of the crime scenes. Now, one sniff of this baby, and our tracking dog will be hot on his trail.

Ooh-la-la! Today's selections are:

Quit it! Quit it! Bart, be quiet! Lisa, drink the water!

God, you have every right to flick me out too. But before you-- Oh, my back! So this must be that pain thing. Oh, yeah. Definitely pain.

and the japanese will eat us alive! The japanese? Those sandal-wearing goldfish tenders? Bosh! Flimshaw! If only we had listened to that boy... instead of walling him up in the abandoned coke oven. Well, I am going to avenge my grandfather.

See? Now that's the kind of dog you should be. Mailman! "Grow a mustache," says the wife. "You'll look handsome," says the wife.

Take two! Take three!

Bart, how do you know these things?

Spend Some dough at table three Thank you, neighbors. Thank you. Now, let's give it up for table five!

There can be only one truly great music festival a lifetime, and it's the Us Festival. The what festival? The Us Festival! Yeesh! It was sponsored by that guy from Apple Computers. What computers?

You are not smarter than me! I'll see you in hell yet, Homer Simpson!

Let me show you something. This-- This is a Snagglepuss drawn by Hic Heisler. It is worth something. This-- This is an arm drawn by nobody. It is worth nothing. Can't you give me anything for it? I can give you this telephone. It is shaped like Mary Worth. No groaning in my store.

Thus ends the rule of law. Look at those looters breaking windows, setting fires! They're living my dream, and you won't let me join them! - Please, can I throw one little-- - No.

- She's the queen of the harpies. - No, I'm not. - Queen of the harpies ! Here's your crown, Your Majesty ! - No, I'm not. Get away from me, you swine !

To George and Abe and all the rest, here's a special song just for you. I was working in the lab late one night When My eyes beheld an eeRie sight doggone it! For my monster from his slab began to rise and suddenly to my surprise

English - US - Line 21

Well, I would suggest, Mr. Vanocur, that, uh, if you knew the president, uh, that that was probably just a facetious remark. And now a word from our sponsor. I would like to take this opportunity... to express my fondness for Duff beer.

I just need something to receive e-mail. You'll need a top-of-the-line machine for that. That's the same computer astronauts use to do their taxes. I was an astronaut. Of course you were. Hmm. Five thousand dollars?

I, King Snorky, hereby banish all humans to the sea!

The sludge certainly collects around those downspouts, don't it ? I'll sludge you, you old bat. Today we wash Beulah. You know what that is ? Some old lady thing nobody's heard about for 50 years ? No. It was my wedding dress.

No, I came to talk to you about your... potty mouth. What the hell are you talking about? All of us pull a few boners now and then-- Go off half-cocked, make asses of ourselves. I don't want to be hard on you but I wish you wouldn't curse in front of my boys. Oh, come on now, Flanders.

Now, cut the power and hit 'em with the lights! You irreplaCeable you

KBBL is gonna give me something stupid!

Shiva H. Vishnu! Where is that noise coming from?

We're wasting more energy than Ricky Martin's girlfriend. Hey-oh!

And remember, Midge, you feel the need to rage, you call me, right? I won't even get sexual or nothin'-- unless that's what you want. But that's not what you want, right?

Maybe the desert was just this sand trap. Oh, and I bet that crazy pyramid was just the pro shop. And that talkin' coyote was really just a talkin' dog. Hi, Homer. Find your soul mate. Hey. Wait a minute! There's no such thing as a talkin' dog. Damn straight. So then I says to Mabel. I says--

Are you saying you killed jimbo, processed his carcass and served him for lunch? Ha!

So, if I could have my yo-yo back... If you were me would you give back the yo-yo? Here you go... just kidding. Here you go... just kidding. Well, would you? Absolutely. P-hih!

Hey, what gives? He's not killing me. FRINK: I'll tell you what gives. I'm afraid he is subject to Isaac Asimov's laws of robotics, with the sci-fi and the so many books, not too many good. My robot is programmed never to harm humans, you see? Only to serve them.

Hey, they just ran into the house. That Homer fella grifted you good, Dad. Well, there's no shame in bein' beaten by the best. But he didn't seem all that-- We were beaten by the best, boy.

My name iS luka i live on the second floor Give me my car, fatty.

Ha-ha! Hey, Nelson, he's really hurt.

Poor Ned. He can't look anywhere without being reminded of Maude. Yeah, a lifetime of memories. Homer, don't you have any respect? Sure. Of course I do. But life goes on. Ashes to ashes. Turn, turn, turn. Long live rock, and so forth.

Run across! I'm sorry. I only sent you the wrong way because I thought you were Luke's girlfriend. That certainly justifies attempted murder. You know, there are more important things in this world... than boys, and when--

That's right. See that ship over there? They're rebroadcasting major league baseball with implied oral consent, not express written consent, or so the legend goes. Arr, I now pronounce ya man and cow.

Now to absorb some local color through the magic of A.M. radio. ...Book of Revelations tells us... to watch for the seven signs of evil-- Sign of evil number four-- Continuing our sign-of-evil countdown, here's Vanessa Williams.

She's beautiful. Zero Gravity!... The Cobra! These guys must be millionaires. I'll bet they get all kinds of girls.

Let's do it. Oh, uh- Uh, listen, my bulky flower. l have an early day tomorrow. I wasnt asking.

Poop. Get ready, everybody. He's about to do something stupid. Well, I'm sorry to disappoint you, gentlemen. But you seem to have me confused with a character in a fictional show. Now if you'll excuse me, my fondue is just about-- D'oh!

Oh, Lisa! There's no record of a hurricane ever hitting Springfield. Yes, but the records only go back to 1978, when the hall of records was mysteriously blown away. What is it, boy? Fire? Earthquake? Hippies?

And now I want you to meet your new brother, Hans Moleman. Cowabunga, dudes. Give it a try. It's like kissing a peanut.

No! Oh, no. I just made my last payment. Oh. Everybody! There's a monster on the side of the bus!

You crumb bum! You looked me right in the eye and lied to me! Marge, this is the God's truth. I burned the mural. But I did not burn Skinner's car. I just saw you!

Hey, where's your diaper, baby? Thank goodness he's drawn attention away from my shirt.

You know, Bart, when I was your age, I pulled a few boners. But I think you'll find that people are pretty decent...

Out of my way! She's gonna blow. What on earth? Hi, sweetie. I'm off to Moe's. Love ya.

I wanna make sure the kids don't hear. When I was young, I always hated knowing my parents were fighting.

Liberty bell. Two liberty bells. Come on, come on, come on... Oh. Yes! Whoo-Whoo! Three liberty bells! That will be $10,000, Apu.

I found some food for breakfast. I hope everyone likes the red things that grow on this tree. Bart, you're brushing your teeth with my twig. So? I let you use my leaves. That Urkel's a hoot.

Don't soul mate me! Okay.

Did I say "leg"? I meant that wet bathing suit. I'm afraid you'll need a cast on that broken bone. Ohh. I'm gonna miss the whole summer. Don't worry, boy. When you get a job like me, you'll miss every summer.

- Pinhole leak! - Dad? The earring could plug the hole. I'll plug your hole! I mean, eureka!

(ALL SCREAMING) Mr. Burns? Mr. Burns is gone.

Oh, no! That sinister-lookin' kid is comin' to kill me. Help! Help!

Behold! The ultimate Pog! I'll take it!

So, remember-- Call Mr. Plow that's my name that name again is Mr. Plow

Oh, look. A bird has become petrified and lost its sense of direction. I think it's a rock, sir. We'll see what the lab has to say about that. Why, that rapscallion is breaking all my windows.

No, he's gettin' killed! He's gonna die on his feet. I can't watch this. I gotta get outta here. Kill the bum! Somebody stop the fight! Where's the doctor? Kill him! Kill him!

Find the bathroom all right? Uh... yeah.

Yeah, I knew we wouldn't win. Well, why didn't you tell the rest of us? Why did you keep it a secret!?

- That's me! - Well, that's it.

Hey, what's happenin', hep cats ? No way ! It's gotta be a fake. It's, like, realsville, daddy-o. Ha !

It's been two years, so our brave explorers should be right about here. You morons!

Mmm! Now, what do you have to wash that awful taste out of my mouth? Mountain Dew or crab juice. Oh, geez! I'll take a crab juice.

But that was just one little insignificant mosquito. That can't change the future, right? Right? I dunno.

Now there's so many cuts here, look, I'll just post 'em up and you just see where your name is. Ooh, look at how many cuts there are there. Oh, boy! You're cut! All of you! He's cut. I cut you!

Marge, look! "The world's best jacket." If I had this, it would show everybody. Show everybody.

There. Now no one should be able to hear us. What? All right. We don't need the dryer. What? just shut up and listen! There's something fishy about Grandma.

He's smoking. He's smoking.

Now you listen to me. I don't like you. I never liked you. And the only reason I gave you that stupid Valentine... is 'cause nobody else would! Watch this, Lise.

This is Kent Brockman with a special report from the Channel 6 News copter. A large bearlike animal, most likely a bear, has wandered down from the hills in search of food or, perhaps, employment. Please remain calm. Stay in your homes.

We are insured, aren't we, Mom? Homer, tell your child what you bought when I sent you to town to get insurance. Curse you, magic beans! Stop blaming the beans.

Now, let's have no more curiosity about this bizarre Cover-up. Remember, class, the worse you do on this standardized test, the more funding the school gets, so don't knock yourselves out. You have three hours to-- Finished! Then put your head down on your desk and sit quietly. Ahh. A duet of pleasures.

A little to the left. Ahh, that's the stuff. Oh, I'm sorry the phrase is "KBBL is gonna give me something stupid." Pretty weird. Let's try one more number. Hello. KBBL is gonna give me something stupid!

So long, jerks!

They gave me a choice: jail, the army, or apologizing to the judge and the old lady. Of course, if I'd known there was a war going on, I probably would've apologized.

The South shall come again.

Till then, you're going to spend the day in hell!

It no longer exists, but take her for a test-drive and you'll agree-- Put it in "H." Kids, if we buy a new car, we get our parking validated for free.

You haven't touched your tongue sandwiches. Are you thirsty? We've got Clamato, Mr. Pibb, and soy milk. That's all right.

Stabbed her with my knife

Homer, I want you to encourage Lisa with her science fair project. Yeah. Syrup is better than jelly.

The Simpsons began as the brainchild... of cartoonist Matt Groening, the already-famous creator of such comics... as Damnation, johnny Reb, and True Murder Stories. In 1987, Groening teamed up with award-winning producers... james L. Brooks... and Sam Simon.

I know you don't think you're good enough for me, but believe me, you are. Hell, I've done it with pigs. Real no-foolin' pigs.

Don't forget the smell. Will you get off my front lawn? Why don't you make me? Why? Oh, I give up.

Drop me a line if you're on the East Coast. Hank Scorpio." Aw, the Denver Broncos! I think owning the Denver Broncos is pretty good. Yeah, yeah. Well, explain to me why it isn't. You just don't understand football, Marge.

Because there's lots of stuff she doesn't know about! You mean, like your poker shack out in the swamp? Mm-hmm. She knows.

Hey, look, Marge. They're still not fighting back. Hee-hee! I can be a jerk and no one can stop me. Even worse was our trip to Sandy Beach. Suckers.

The Velvet Mafia made me a margarita I couldnt refuse.

Well, go ahead. Do your worst! My worst, eh? Smithers, release the robotic Richard Simmons. Come on, big boy! Shake the butter off those buns!

Sign here, Mr. Uppercut. Let me just put on my glasses. You’re charging how much for a room'?

Make way for grapefruit. Go grapefruit! What the-- It burns! I can't see!

And now we 're back.. to Touch the Stove. So, Kevin, I hear you collect amusing postcards. Yeah. It all started when-

(GASPS) What's wrong with me? (SOBBING) (LAUGHING) (SOBBING)

Whoopsy-doodle. Oh, man! Ned spilled ink all over my poems! He's a real flat tire. I mean a cube, man. He's putting us on the train to Squaresville, Mona.

Eww ! Knock it off !

Hey! I've got an ambition to do some wishin'. Keep your pants on, Flanders! I'm wishing as fast as I can! Ooh! Heh, heh, heh, heh. Eh... too far. Hmm... Okay, ready.

What is it, boy? Fire? Earthquake? Hippies? Hurricane! Somehow the animals are always the first to know. And the weather service has warned us to brace ourselves for the onslaught... of Hurricane Barbara.

Mr. Simpson, don't you worry. I watched Matlock in a bar last night. The sound wasn't on, but I think I got the gist of it.

Edna, Seymour, in light of these, uh, revelations, I suppose we overreacted. Do we have our jobs back? What? Oh, yes, yes, yes. Sure. Just, uh, you know, keep the lewdness to a minimum.

Well, get out the Crayolas and color me tickled pink. Ooh, what's with the lead pipe? Were you gonna give my noggin a floggin'? Well, yeah. Duck! I can't let the boys see me with you! What? Hi.

Homer, you know, I support, uh, most any prejudice you can name, but your hero phobia sickens me.

Scary talented.

Will Milhouse and I be friends when we're high school dropouts living off Uncle Sucker? Will Milhouse and I be friends at the end of the day?

Very well, Lisa. I'll just finagle this-- glayvin. Are you mad, Frink? Put down that science pole!

Must... suppress... rage. Huh?

Isn't that clever? It looks like a Cadillac drove right into the building. Help me.

But I can't leave my car until the parking guy gets here. Oh! Why did I drink all that crab juice? Hmm! Don't even think about it, pal!

They took the foam off the market because they found out it was poisonous. But if you ask me, if you're dumb enough to eat it, you deserve to die. Bart! What?

Ooh, twins. Which one is the evil one? - Okay, I'll go get our lunches. - So, Alex-- just a sec. Hello? Oh, yeah. Like I'd be seen with a Discover card.

Oh, that is it! I'm tired of being pushed around by grown-ups! It's time to fight back! - Yeah! - Fight back! Fight back!

Oh, I've heard a lot about Shot Kickers.

Ah, New Orleans. The Big Easy. Sweet Lady Gumbo. Old... Swampy.

until the night a grossly overweight pervert named Homer Simpson... gave her a crash course in depravity.

Yield this, Senator Payne.

All right! Turn up the volume! Erosion is a slow but steady process.

People, if we meet this week's quota, I'll take you to the most duck-filled pond you ever sat by. Oh, hot diggety! That's how they got me to vote for Lyndon LaRouche. Wow. Even I didn't know he was so committed to recycling. See? I told you Mr. Burns has changed. See?

Now, here's what we think the impact might look like. Show them, jerry. Oh! Dear God, no!

Help, Smithers. I'm sinking. I'm sinking. Life... flashing... before-- eyes.

Yo, empty the register, dude. Okay, okay, you are the boss. Silent alarm activated! Oh, that's it!

All the good names are taken. Oh, wait. I've got it. Flancrest Enterprises. D'oh! What exactly is it your company does again?

Oh-- What's the point of going out? We're just gonna wind up back here anyway.

(ALL CHEERING) What a great crowd. You all have such big hearts... And such big brains with large, juicy, dripping-with-knowledge heads! (ALL GASP) That's it! I'm going smorgasbord on these Poindexters!

Earl Warren wasn't a stripper. Now who's being naive?

It's "craptacular."

This also says it can cause red tide poisoning. But it's so cheap.

plus three weeks' paid vacation each year and on fridays the lunchroom serves hot dogs and burgers and beer he loves german beer - Shh!

Mmm, here we go again. Skinner! Ah. No day would be completely wasted without a visit... to the old joke shop.

Todd, would you like mixed vegetables? Hell no. What did you say? I don't want any damn vegetables. All right. No Bible stories for you tonight.

Roman numeral three: Surprise boy in bed-- and, uh, disembowel him. No, I don't like that "bowel" in there. Gut him. Ah, le mot juste.

what the guys think of your old man. Hello. Uh, Homer Simpson is a brilliant man... with lots of well thought-out practical ideas. He is ensuring the financial security of this company for years to come-- Oh, yes. And his personal hygiene is above reproach.

I'm here to return the gift you brought to our wedding. Ah! Yes. An Incredible Hulk melonballer. (ROARING) Well, I'm glad you'll be able to enjoy it. I think you did the right thing. You didn't want your life to turn out like this.

Homer, your spine. Hey, pfft. Screw this. Hang on, everyone. We're taking the old Simpson shortcut.

Wow. He's got every Nancy Drew,

Hot damn! No more sittin' in the dirt at the drive-in.

No, we're not worried. Our customers buy Duff... for its robust taste, not its alcoholic content. I predict our new alcohol-free Duff Zero... will sell even better than our previous brand.

I don't need any serving suggestions from you, you barbecue-wrecking, know-nothing, know-it-all. That's it! I can't live in a house with this prehistoric carnivore! I am out of here! That's it! Go to your room!

- in the great state of-- - Wait a second. I want to tack on a rider to that bill. Thirty million dollars of taxpayer money to support the perverted arts. All in favor of the amended Springfield/"Prevert" bill? Bill defeated.

Preliminary reports indicated the ship's captain was drunk at the helm. Those reports were later confirmed. Arr! I'm in a lot of trouble now. Hey, I'll give you a hundred bucks to take the blame.

And now, a word from our new sponsor. Percodan? Aw, crap! Bart, are you ready for your history test? Oh, you bet, Mom! Ask me anything.

¡Ay! ¡QuÉ agonÍA! Oh, he wants that corn so much. ¡Ay! ¡Dios no me ama!

I was trying to punish him exactly like you would. So, in a way, you really dropped the ball on this one. This is your mess, and I'll be damned if I'm gonna clean it up.

One Tower of Babel and build it to heaven. To heaven! Oh. Christ be with you. D'oh!

I, uh, brought you a little present. No! No! Beer bring pain! I can't stand to see him like this!

Gracias. That means thank you, Marge. Ladies and gentlemen, a winner has been chosen for today's giveaway. And the 1997 Pontiac Astro Wagon goes to the fan...

They're just a bunch of hilarious stuff, you know, like people getting hurt and stuff. Stuff like that-- Ohh! Look, kids.

Man has always loved his buildings. But what happens when the buildings say, "No more"? Yes! Oh! Ooh! Yeah!

Good Lord! Gigantism!

and scars that will never heal. It started, appropriately enough, with an innocent boy being embarrassed... on Valentine's Day. Poor Ralph. Here you go, Ralph.

Tonight on Eye on Springfield, we meet a man who's been hiccupping for 45 years. Kill me. Kill me.

So sit back, relax and watch our revue In Soviet Union Revue watches you Tennessee Ernie Ford? Now I know you're dead.

No. There is absolutely nothing else to tell you about this house. That's good enough for me! Purple drapes! All my life I've wanted purple drapes!

Run, Marge! Run! Pump those crazy legs!

can still lead rich, full lives. Hi. Uh, sorry. But these guys crack me up.

Hi! I'm actor Troy McClure. You might remember me from such driver's ed films... as Alice's Adventures Through the Windshield Glass... and The Decapitation of Larry leadfoot. For the next 60 minutes, we'll be seeing... actual film of car-crash victims.

a year when you might have seen Al Capone... dancing the Charleston on top of a flagpole. Yaah!

Ha! Go, go, go!

Wait a second. You're the man at the hospital who reads to sick children. "And truly, she was my friend Flicka." If this gets out, the next words you say... will be muffled by your own butt!

I've always dreamed of this moment.

you're the best in the world

Commander Kang, receiving transmission from Infant Pod 13. Holy flirking shnit. What's the message? "Larval stage completed. "Standing by for orders. Experiencing terrible rash. Over." Ensign Kodos, set coordinates...

I'll be Lee Suey, the devil-may-care rocket pilot. And Maggie can be Medina, your spunky sidekick. And you'll be-- Bartron, the evil robot from Mars gone berserk. Do I understand you correctly, Bartron?

Well, look who's here. Hi, Poochie! You look like you've got something to say. - Do you? - Yes, I certainly do. I have to go now. My planet needs me.

- Are we there yet? - No. Are we there yet? No. - Are we there yet? - No.

I knew I had to buy some time, so I asked him to sing the score from the H.M.S. Pinafore. Ooh, a plan fiendishly clever in its intricacies. Take him away, boys. Hey, I'm the chief here. Bake him away, toys. What'd you say, Chief? Do what the kid says.

Sorry, lady. Show's over.

Number three: family jewels."

And he knows my name! Street signs indoors? Whatever!

Who invented these dumb things anyway? Was it you, Bart?

Oh! Ow! Ow! The bubbles are burning my tongue! Ow! Ooh. Water! Water! A hush falls over the general assembly... as Stacy approaches the podium... to deliver what will no doubt be a stirring and memorable address. I wish they taught shopping in school!

Sir! I say, sir! The hour is upon us, sir!

You knocked his block off! Come with me. Check it out. I built myself a healthy apple.

The Nobel Prize?

You take a dash of Dad, a pinch of Mom, then we bake for nine months, and-- Mmm. That's good Billy. Mr. McClure, what does D.N.A. stand for? That didn't answer anything.

This tire is filthy and the steel belts are poking me. Whee! Whee! No! No! Uh, no offense, Homer, but your half-assed under-parenting... was a lot more fun than your half-assed over-parenting. But I'm using my whole ass. Dad, it's just that too much of your love can really be...

Oh! And here's a picture of me in outer space. You... went into outer space? You? Sure. You've never been?

You see this tux? I got it cheap 'cause Roy Cohn died in it. That fancy yacht? A bargain, 'cause it smells like cat pee. And those beautiful women? They used to be men.

Principal Skinner, wait! I created the universe. Give me the gift certificate! Ah, great. Stuck in this lousy tub for the rest of my life. Shouldn't you people be groveling?

They drove a dump truck full of money up to my house.

Maybe in a few years. Good news, everybody.

Another cover? My God! Let it die. Everybody in the U.S.A.

Dead man walkin' on the green mile. Give me your hands, boss.

licorice whip I Said whip it licorice whip

I hear ya. Some days are tougher than others. Just close your eyes and club. CLANCY: This is it, boys. We'll have to tummy-kiss our way out. (BLOWING TUMMY KISSES) (BABIES LAUGHING) LOU: This is a bouncer one here, Chief.

- What do you think, Smithers? - I think women and seamen don't mix.

(ALL GASP) (ALL SCREAM)

I'll kick your butt... at Nintendo.

Mr. Simpson, please cover your ears while I say the secret access word. Cheese. Good morning, Agent johnson. The film you are about to see... is top secret and contains adult situations. In 1945, the people of Europe struggled to rebuild following the war.

No, no, no! Herschel? Herschel, oy vay iz mir! You have brought shame on our family. If you were a musician or a jazz singer this I could forgive, but this? I never want to see you again, you... you clown!

Inspired by the most logical race in the galaxy, the Vulcans, breeding will be permitted once every seven years. For many of you, this will mean much less breeding. For me, much, much more.

(THUDDING) (BLABBERS) He's right over there! Hey, come on! Can't anybody see him?

Hello, Mr. Bush! What ya doin'? Now, don't upset the desk there. Careful! You don't want to horse around with-- Hey, cool! What does this do? Now, don't you pull that cord, young man!

When I was a girl, I had a crush on Bobby Sherman. The point is I want you to stop making these calls. All right, Mom. I promise you will never be billed for another call.

'Tis true. I took many a lump. But 'twas all in good fun. Now, wait a minute!

Yes. I am Flamenco Flamingo.

My precious germs! They never harmed a soul. They never even had a chance. Whoever did this will never get past me. You poor man. Let me help you up. You just made a very big mistake.

And I, for one, welcome our new insect overlords. I'd like to remind them that as a trusted TV personality, I can be helpful in rounding up others... to toil in their underground sugar caves. Mmm. Don't worry, kids. I'm sure your father's all right. What are you basing that on, Mom?

It was Earth all along You finally made a monkey Yes, we finally made a monkey

Bart, we did it! Now we get to keep our house, and you get to go back to the fourth grade! Tomorrow we were gonna find out who the dish ran away with. - The spoon, Bart. - Of course!

Mmm, he's not responding. Proceed to level two-- antagonism.

Uh, this isn't gonna be about jesus, is it? All things are about jesus, Homer, except this.

There's no shame in it. My dad-- Not mine. You didn't let me finish. Unless the next word was "burp," you didn't have to. In a sample taken in this very classroom, a state inspector found 1.74 parts per million of asbestos-- That's not enough ! We demand more asbestos ! More asbestos ! More asbestos !

Fear. Fear in the pit of your stomach. No surgeon can save you. No bromo can soothe you. Do you dare enter the Screamatorium of Dr. Frightmarestein? Only two tickets left.

Krusty, this camp was a nightmare. They fed us gruel. They forced us to make wallets for export. And one of the campers was eaten by a bear. Oh, my God! Well, actually, the bear just ate his hat. Was it a nice hat? - Oh, yeah. - Oh, my God!

Well, good night, everybody. Peace, man.

and it's gonna happen to us. Well, okay, let's go. Who's Tiny Tim ? Hey, Moldy, do you think Santa will be able to find... Elf County under all this snow ? I doubt it, Bubbles. We'll be sad little elves this Christmas. Oh, no! Oh, brother.

Good morning, everybody ! Good morning, Springfield ! Dimoxinil ! Whoo-hoo !

My mother. My bully. My God!

So I realized that being with my family is more important... than being cool. Dad, what you just said was powerfully uncool. You know what the song says. It's hip to be square. That song is so lame. So lame that it's... cool? No. Am I cool, kids?

Ye gods! To the police station, Krusty!

Not the face! Ah, they'll be chewing on him for a while. ¡Ay, Ay, Ay! ¡La policÍA! Hey, Homer. Phone call. Hi, Homie. It's really starting to snow. I think you should come home. But, Marge, Alan Thicke is throwing knives at Ricardo Montalban.

This much I believe we can agree upon: this specimen is either a below-average human being...

All right! Now all we need is a name.

Clancy! Skinner! Seymour! Mother. - Patty? - Cletus! Oh, uh, Barney. Clancy! Hey, come on! You did me twice! Smithers?

With one application of Spiffy, you'll think the body's still warm. Ooh! Ahh! "Quoth the raven--" What a shine! Ooh! That's one clean tombstone.

Yeah. You know, my life just can't get any worse. That's right. There's no way my life could possibly get any worse. Simpson, report to Mr. Burns's office. D'oh!

Everybody up here to my square. It's safe and it's sexy. Oh, baby. Hurry, Charlie. There is not much time. I ain't goin' nowhere. I been in this square pert' near 30 seasons, and I ain't a-leavin' now.

Why, looking into this loveable mutt's eyes just melts my heart. Seymour, all is forgiven. Make way for Willie! I said make way for Willie, ya bloated gasbag! Seymour. Hmm? You're fired!

Marge, do you think that counts honey-braised? I don't know! I'm trying to sleep! Okay, "nonsmoker-- add eight years." Hmm. So according to this, I'll live to be-- 42?

I've been waiting for you, Lisa. How did you know my name? Your name tag. Would you like to know your future? Sorry. I don't believe in fortune-telling. I should go. What's your hurry? Bart, Maggie and Marge are at the joust, and Homer is heckling the puppet show.

Eight-tenths? Donny's Discount Gas!

If you don't mind, I'll just run alongside the train as it speeds you from my life.

But, Husband, without your weekly pittance, how shall we feed our children? Don't worry. No child will ever starve in my home. So long, kids! Enjoy your new home! Say "hi" to your other brother and sister.

I'm not sure what kind of factory you're thinking of. We just make boxes here.

Mallomars. Oh, that's going in the act. Oh, yeah, the clown. The only one of you buffoons who doesn't make me laugh. And as for you, I don't know you, but I'm sure you're a jerk! Hey, I've only been here a few minutes. What's going on? You ugly, hate-filled man! Hey-- Hey, I may be ugly and hate-filled, but I've, um--

Take that, Washington! Eat lead, Einstein. - Oy! - Show's over, Shakespeare! Is this the end of zombie Shakespeare?

- You, food bag, do you have a son? - Yes, sir, I do. And is he a constant disappointment? Does he bring home nitwits and make you talk to them? Oh, all the time. Have you ever heard of this kid Milhouse? He's a little wiener who-- Fascinating. Good night.

This is the stupidest thing I've ever seen. I can't believe we blew 2,000 bucks on it when right now rollers could be kneading my buttocks. Could you stop thinking about your ass? I try, but I can't.

Wizard. Ah, for glavin out loud. Behold! I am the Collector! And I'm here to add you to my collection! Must remove my breastplate.

I got a date with Billie Holiday. Shh!

- Please, Dad ! Please, Dad ! - No ! No !

Malibu Stacy, America's favorite eight-and-a-half-incher. In 1959, homemaker Stacy Lavelle had a design and a dream. The design? Malibu Stacy. The dream? To mass-market a fashion doll that was also edible.

We'll eat your brain.

Hi, folks. I'm Mark McGwire. Big Mac himself. Who'd have thunk it? Young Bart here was right. We are spying on you pretty much around the clock.

Aw, I don't know how to punish you. What does Marge usually do? She makes me taste beer. Come on, boy. Give your old man a little credit. Yeah? Well, I still get to punish you.

You idiot! You're trying to kill me, man!

Poor Wiggum. Poor Wiggum. I'll bet you really hate Rex Banner, huh? Um, who? The guy who took your job. Oh, yeah. More than anything in the world! Hey, how would you like to show him up... by beating him at his own game?

Now, you each have a knob in front of you. When you like what you see, turn the knob to the right. When you don't like what you see, turn it left. My knob tastes funny. Please refrain from tasting the knob.

(MUFFLED) Homer! Homer! Homer, do not press the "core destruct button." ...press...destruct button.

(GRUNTS ANGRILY) (BOTH GRUNTING ANGRILY) Next? (GRUNTS) Can you make me look like this? (BOTH GRUNTING ANGRILY)

Please wait by your vehicle between 9:00 a.m. and 5:00 p.m... for parking officer Steve-- Grabowski. They expect me to sit here from 9:00 to 5:00? That's-- How many hours? Ten, 11, denominator-- Oh! Where's Lisa when you need her?

Whoo-hoo! Stop the presses!

Would you like us to sing you a special song? - Hell, no. - You got it. Ready, Señor Beaveratti? I'm a-ready. And a-one, and a-two... You're the birthday You're the birthday You're the birthday boy or girl...

I'm proud of you, Mom. But just one thing, isn't your book a little hard on Dad? (NERVOUSLY) What do you mean? My book is set in whaling times. "Captain Mordecai stared at the shop "window full of powdered blow holes. "Mmm! Blow holes, he drooled." Sounds like Dad to me.

"Prinskipper Skippal"-- "Prinnipple Skipper"-- I-i found something!

and there's not a single church or library to offend the eye. There it is! The chain that put the "fat" in fat Southern sheriffs! I want a colossal doughnut, just like the one on the sign. D'oh! Nuts! That's false advertising!

to the magic of Disney Animatronics,

You know, this isn't so bad. I'll just spend the summer getting better acquainted with an old friend called television. Yea!

sunrise, sunset cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon yes, we have no bananas Oh, that's sweet, Homer. Our son is growing up, isn't he? No, it's not that. Didn't you hear?

Take that, you lousy dimension! Huh? Huh? Oh, there's so much I don't know about astrophysics. I wish I read that book by that wheelchair guy.

Yeah! Now, I'm not saying Mr. Burns is incontinent-- Incontinent! Too rich. Does either of you know what "incontinent" means?

What the hell is that? A turkey! Dad's gonna slaughter that poor turkey! Not if I scare it away with this cougar call. You did it, Moe! A cougar! Die, cougar!

Um, uh-- Well, start by readin' the sentence. "Two... wentam and jolly were"--

Mmm! Unprocessed fish sticks.

Awesome! So long, suckers! Why don't we do something to take our minds off the storm?

Where'd you get all the money? The government. I didn't earn it. I don't need it. But if they miss one payment, I'll raise hell! Hey, Homer, where's your present?

It's all a part of our Krusty Burger Olympic Sweepstakes. just scratch off the name of the Olympic event on your game card, and if America wins a gold medal... you win a free Krusty Burger! Mmm, mmm, mmm!

From now on we use regular toilet paper, not that fancy quilted kind.

You suck, Johnny Rainbow! I believed in you! (GROANS) No! (SOBBING) You sabotaged Cameron for me. Sure did. I'd do anything for you, honey. Especially if it's easy. Well, I think you're the sweetest dad in the whole world.

I wonder where all the kids are. Hey! A library! No, I can't. That's the old, nerdy Lisa. Lisa, read about my adventures in the South Seas... and make me live again.

That's why I invented this revolutionary makeup gun. It's for the woman who only has four-fifths of a second to get ready. Close your eyes, Marge. And now you're ready for a night on the town. Homer, you've got it set on "whore."

I'm hoping you enjoy this movie. It made every Indian critic's Top 400 list. La, la, la, la, la, I'm in love with lovely Johnny

Oh, good-bye, old girl.

Oh, Homie, I think I'm going to be sick. There was a farmer who had a dog - And Bingo was his name - Oh B-i-n-g-o B-i-n-g-o B-i-n-g-o and Bingo was his name, oh Homie, get in the car.

Hey, Mrs. K.! Oh, Arthur! We're wasting more energy than Ricky Martin's girlfriend.

It burns! It burns!

So, Mr. Boswell, what do you think of the new Moe's? Marge Simpson and Moe Szyslak, here's a mash note to your bangers. I wish you could live in me forever. Thanks, freakazoid.

Huh? Oh, wow! ts so beautiful. I'm not angry anymore. Whoa, I dont need drugs to enjoy this. Just to enhance it.

oh, every night shh!

Lovin' till the morning Ooh, I hear this really sucks. Hmm, director's commentary.

What kind of a knight is that? The kind of knight that makes barrels and isn't a knight. Ha!

Tough times, huh? I've lived through 12 recessions, eight panics and five years of McKinleynomics. I'll survive this.

Hang those who talk of less! There's a few inches over here, ho! My precious pool and its lifestyle accoutrements! No!

And look at the way they've slathered those pigs with cosmetics.

Come! Let us kill them before learning of the magical secret which they possess!

where we guess what city the weather girl's in? That was eight years ago. Is it Pittsburgh?

What did I do to deserve this? Help!

Marge, Bart, Lisa and Maggie. Dad, this doesn't have your name on it. Kids, would you step outside for a second? F--

You know, son, the day you were born I received the greatest gift a man could have. As the years went by your mother and I were blessed twice more and not a day goes by we don't thank God for all three of you. Homer! I'm not pregnant! Yeah!

Yeah. Like-- Yeah! Okay. Great. Okay. Let-Let's just try that again. Okay? Come on.

Somebody help me! I think I'm getting swimmer's ear!

This better be good. Darkness there, and nothing more. Huh ? Know what would've been scarier than nothing ? What ? Anything ! Back into the chamber turning,

The Simpsons (TIRES SCREECHING) D'oh! (SCREAMS) (BRAKES SCREECHING) (ALL SCREAMING) (GIANT FISH GULPS)

Oh. Whew! For a minute there, I thought I was in big trouble. It's just-- D'oh!

Sure, your dad's singing could make your hair curl But you too, Bart, have Sung and danced like A girl Eep.

If he's so smart, how come he's dead?

There he is! There's the man that sexually harassed me! Oh. Whew! For a minute there, I thought I was in big trouble. It's just-- D'oh!

What's this? "Extremely high voltage." Well, I don't need safety gloves, because I'm Homer Simp--

Son, are you okay? I brought a homemade first aid kit! It's spring-loaded for quick access.

My, these seas are certainly heaving. No more than your bountiful bosom, milady. Does that earring mean you're a pirate? Kinda. Ah, the seas have quieted.

La-la-la-la-la Mr. Simpson? Huh? Oh, sorry. We were talking about chocolate? That was ten minutes ago.

This is my year, Marge. Everyone knows I'm what makes this city great. I don't know. There's a lot of buzz around Lenny.

But, uh, did you have to salt the earth so nothing would ever grow again?

What the hell is that?

Ach du Liebe! Das ist not eine booby. Is that story true, Grampa? Well, most of it.

Thank the Lor-- Thank the Lord? That sounded like a prayer. A prayer! A prayer in a public school! God has no place within these walls, just like facts have no place within organized religion! Simpson, you get your wish. Flanders is history.

I'll handle Ranger Ned. After all, I'm smarter than the average bear. Well, hello there, Ho-didilly-omi. Well, I'm afraid I'm gonna have to ask you to hand over that-- Gee, Homi, it's not very nice to maul Ranger Ned. - You want some of this? - Uh-uh.

Book 'em, Lou. One count of being a bear. And one count of being an accessory to being a bear. Oh, Marge, it was horrible!

I can't believe what I'm hearing. Well, then you'd better turn up your hearing aid, Pops. Pops? I'm only two years older than you. Do we want Old Man Patterson here with his finger on the button?

Let's go to barney's bowl-a-rama... I'm Chuck Ellis from the Springfield Collection Agency and I'm here to ask you why you don't think you need to pay your bills?

He wants to talk to you. Y'ello? Mm-hmm. So we're in agreement. She won't be allowed near the phone again. We did it!

but first I have to say good-bye to some friends. Friends, you have come to depend on me as your safety watchdog... so you won't scrape yourself or stub your toes...

And now, to present the trophy... three-time soap box derby champion, Ronnie Beck. Congratulations, Bart. Seeing you out there brought back a lot of memories. Thanks, Mr. Beck. I was alone out there, but someone was riding with me in spirit.

How can you defend a country... where 5% of the people control 95% of the wealth ? I'm defending a country where people can think, act and worship any way they want. - Can not. Can not. - Can too. Can too. Please, please, kids. Stop fighting. Maybe Lisa's right about America being a land of opportunity,

General, I hereby surrender. Ow! Not the pointed end, you dumb-ass! Reinforcements! Tanks? Oh, this is just too inaccurate.

Whosever problem this is, I'm sure they can handle it.

Roll it, Louie! Here comes two! Well, I'm not licked. And I'm gonna stay right here and fight for this lost cause. Somebody will listen to me. Somebody will--

And now I'm guilty of possession. I could go to prison! Unless I testify against you. Marge, it's making my eyes better. And it's legal. I could walk up to the president and blow smoke in his stupid monkey face, and he'd just have to sit there groovin' on it.

Oh, it's hopeless. Utterly, utterly hopeless. Oh, I see. When it's one of my schemes, you can't foil it fast enough. But when Cecil tries to kill you, "It's hopeless. Utterly, utterly hopeless."

Oh, no! Oh, brother. Where's your husband ? Yeah. It's getting late. Said he went caroling with Bart. We're in the money we're in the money We got a lot of what it takes to get along I can't believe I'm doing this.

I know I'm supposed to cut something, but what? And where? Hey! The incision in the coronary artery... must be made below the blockage! Below! Thanks, little girl!

Wow... chocolate, half-price! La la la-la-la-la-la Mr. Simpson. La-la-la-la-la Mr. Simpson? Huh? Oh, sorry. We were talking about chocolate? That was ten minutes ago.

I'm the worst Poochie ever. No, it's not your fault, Dad. You did fine. It's just that Poochie was a soulless by-product of committee thinking. You can't be cool just by spouting a bunch of worn-out buzzwords. Don't have a cow, Lise. Bart's right. Let's none of us have a cow.

That's right. It's the Brad Goodman... something or other. Marge, can I go outside and play? Shh. A few weeks ago, I was a washed-up actor with a drinking problem. Then Brad Goodman came along and gave me this job and a can of fortified wine. Ahh! Sweet liquor eases the pain.

Okay. But at least let me take the boat out for one last spin.

With these pogo sticks, we'll finally make it over. (GRUNTING) (GROANS) All right, everyone take a break and come back Monday with five fresh ideas. Can't make it Monday. My kid has a thing.

Now we come to King Solomon, whose wisdom was like a drill... boring into the rock of injustice. Boring. Boring. Boring.

I do what I want when I want.

I shall close the register at this point and state that 99 cents is the rental price. Oh, then may I please rent it, please? You may not. I am all out. Though I do have a surprising abundance... of Lee Carvallo's Putting Challenge. Ohh!

He's digging a hole like a dog. Now he's given up on that and he's running back and forth. He's climbing into a pipe and he seems to be stuck. His legs are dangling in a comical fashion. Oh, it's the saddest thing I've ever seen. Arnie, Arnie, how are the children? I can't see through metal, Kent!

I'll help with your next charity scam. The word is "drive." Sure, sure. Bob's your uncle. Let's just get out of here.

And now the winner of the first annual Montgomery Burns Award for Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Excellence. Please, please... You know you won. Don't jinx it. The winner: Homer Simpson. Oh, my God! I win!

Even so, sir. We could stand to lay off a few employees. Oh! Very well. Lay off... him, him, him, him-- Hmm.

- Hey! - Ned, we meant well. And everyone here tried their best. Well, my family and I can't live in good intentions, Marge! Oh, your family's out of control, but we can't blame you, because you have good intentions! - Hey, back off, man! - Oh, okay, dude!

Homie, to honor Springfield's newest hero, I made you your favorite dinner. All three courses are dessert. - Even dessert? - Dessert is three desserts. Huh?

MILHOUSE: Hello? Hello? I had to leave because my French bread pizza dinged. Hello?

She'll go 300 hectares on a single tank of kerosene. What country is this car from? It no longer exists, but take her for a test-drive and you'll agree--

Oh, that's my degree in nuclear physics. I'm sure you all have one. Oh, yeah. Carl and I each have a masters. Of course, old Homer-- He didn't need a degree. He just showed up the day they opened the plant. I didn't even know what a nuclear "panner" plant was. Um-- Yeah. Well, listen.

Bart, I don't care what Mom said. I think you should use this money to take her on a nice vacation. Well... Okay. For Mom, I'll do it. Where should we go? Well, I'd like to return to Brazil, but I hear the monkey problem is even worse now.

Come on, Lise. We both know how this money should, nay, must be spent. Aah! Oh! Bart, we'll do anything you want.

Dad, no! We're trying to conserve energy. Lisa, if we start conserving, the environmentalists win! Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Jingle Bell R--

(BOTH SCREAMING)

J Glad to see you J

Lard ho! Arr, 'tis a good sign. Homer's unfastened the top button on his pants.

NELSON: Ha-ha! It's the baby bike brigade. Hey, Bart. I used to have a bike like that. Back before I was born. Oh, no. They've got big boy bikes. Thanks for the tassels.

Just jump over there, Alec. It's not that far. Yeah, you're a big screen tough guy. Uh, gee, I'd love to, but I'm not really wearing the right shoes. Fine.

All right. This is my memory box. I haven't opened it in 30 years. Ooh! A letter from my old pen pal. Someday I'll write you back, Osama.

And what are those men doing under my van? Look, lady, if I was you, I would just leap into the air, as I'm preparing to do. - Here ya go, Homer. - Thanks, Moe.

Son, I'm proud of you. I was twice your age before I figured that out.

Bart, let's stop this stupid rivalry. Even if you never become a great sorcerer, you're still an okay brother. Thanks, Lise. Now let's try to forget this nightmare. ...blarney.

Now be careful with those video cameras, children. In order to buy them, the school board had to eliminate geography. This globe will never spin again.

Say "ah," baby. Ah... (GAGGING) I'm dying! And there's heaven. But who's that? Confucius? And Milton Berle? Boy, have I been barking up the wrong tree.

Willie Nelson will astound his fans by swimming the English Channel. Really? Willie Nelson?

Now I'd like to say one last thing to our Olympic representatives. If there was a medal for horrible audiences, you'd get the gold. Peace out.

Barney sucked it dry.

It's modern times. Everyone's doing it. Where did my Christian limo driver go? (TIRES SCREECHING) My pious husband is missing. The baby I chose to have baptized is gone.

Say your prayers, Simpson. Because the schools can't force you like they should. Maude, these new finger razors make hedge trimming as much fun as sitting through church.

Is that the trillion-dollar bill in his hand? That would be pretty careless of me, wouldn't it? I keep the real bill right here. Wow! That must be worth a fortune. Nobody move! What the--

Well, it just explains that you've... won-- yes, that's it-- won the first annual... Montgomery Burns... uh... Award for... Outstanding Achievement in the Field of... Excellence.

You insensitive jerk!

(CLANKING) Wake up, fatties! Stop dreaming about butter! Dreamed calories are real calories!

You invented Itchy-- the itchy & scratchy Itchy?

Boys? Where are you going? Okay, son. Give him the glue! Hey, lookin' good!

what do you say we go out for a round of frosty chocolate milkshakes ?

Oh, no. We're headed for Victoria Falls. Here's why they shouldn't get anything. One--

This film will self-destruct... if not properly stored. We believe Burns still has that bill hidden somewhere in his house. But all we've ascertained from satellite photos is that it's not on the roof. We're hoping that as his trusted employee, you can help lead us to it. But Mr. Burns gave me my job, and he hasn't fired me...

Well, you get the idea. My father was the most respected man in the lower East Side of Springfield. People would come from miles around to ask his advice. Reb Krustofski, should I finish college?

Krusty wants out! No. The world needs laughter.

Now, hold on a minute, missy. It's not up to us to choose which laws we want to obey. If it were, I'd kill everyone who looked at me cockeyed! Our laws are in place for a reason. Send him back to Mama, boys.

Aw, this quiz show crap is just a fad. Fad or not, it's here to stay. And it's killing your show in the ratings. What do you want from me? I do a kids' show. And it's a classic. We just want you to open it up. Run wild, shatter the boundaries, slash and burn. Without alienating anyone. Oy! These ferkachted network notes. Can you believe this?

Strained carrots for Maggie. Strained carrots for Grampa. I want a bib too.

Oh, I don't feel so hot.

Hey, kid, wake up. Who are you? I'm Laura, your new neighbor. You all right? She's beautiful. Say something clever. I fell on my bottom. D'oh!

Let's see. "It was the best of times, it was the 'blurst' of times"? You stupid monkey! Oh, shut up.

George Washington will be played by... Ralph Wiggum. Hmm. What? This is a travesty! Everyone knows I'm the best actor in this ridiculous school! Sit down, Rex. I will not sit down. Someone's gotten to you, you deceitful cow! That's absurd, Rex.

Hey, Teeny, you know where 123 Fake Street is? Ah, it's okay. Hey, we got the same hat. Thanks, Mr. Teeny.

Last week's capture of Bigfoot turned into the scientific poser of the century. Although the creature was ultimately released, the question remains, "Who was this Homer ?" Was it a man or was it, in fact, the legendary missing link known as Bigfoot ?

Name, please? Simpson family. We're not poor. Well, we're not. Go on in. They're expecting you at the clubhouse. Look at this!

Oh, I wish I could believe you.

Don't worry, Bart. They won't bother you anymore. I hardly ever let Mother fight for me anymore. Sorry, Bart. I'm gonna hang out with Lisa. For protection... and to be seen!

The superstar celebrity microphone lets you hear your voice through any A.M. radio. Hey, good-looking, we'll be back to pick you up later. He's in for some loving.

Someone must have left the porch light on. Hey that's rough, pal. Hello, Marge. You left your damn porch light on. Barney !

you're checkin' in When I grow up, I wanna be in the Betty Ford Center. You'd better start saving now. It's very expensive. Shh! They're strapping down Liza Minnelli.

Homer, no! Uh-oh. My house! Hey, how you doin'?

Bart. Huh? Ha! Mrs. Krabappel, I-- I didn't-- Attention. This is Principal Skinner, your principal, with a message from the principal's office. All students please proceed immediately to an assembly... in the Butthead Memorial Auditorium.

Oh! All right. All right. You win for now, but someday you'll rust! Rust, I tell ya!

Hurt everyone. Did Ga Ga just say "Hurt everyone"? Ga Ga-- Cute name. The Springfield phone book needs a new cover. It does? Send us your snapshots, and if we select yours, you win a fabulous mystery prize. To enter, send your film to this address.

Oh. "They made us." That's loser talk. You gotta start acting more like me and my team, the future league champions of the world. Nothing's gonna stop us now. Stop everything! I don't remember writing a check for bowling. Sir, that's a check for your boweling. Oh, yes. That's very important. Yes, sir. Remember that month you didn't do it?

Oh, my God! Damn you, snow! All right! Snow day! No school tomorrow. That doesn't mean you don't have to do your book report.

Cuckold! Cuckold! Cuckold! What's a cuckold?

He saved her! Oh, isn't it great to have the old dad back? - I thought you liked the new dad. - Whatever.

Please, Lisa. I thought you loved me.

Pledging to honor the bag boys' strike... are the Brotherhood of Fruit Packers and Unpackers, the Shelf-Dusters' Union... and the Unattractive Waitresses of America. - Kiss my grits! - Indeed.

and there was no harm done.

So many previews. So many previews. So many previews. And now our feature presentation.

Oh, boy! Liver! Iron helps us play!

See? There's nothing-- Oh, boy! This thing is shredding my insides! Uh, Krusty, that wasn't a metal one. That was a regular Krusty-o. It's poison.

Oh, sure. Like lawyers work in big skyscrapers and have secretaries. Look at him. He's wearing a belt. That's Hollywood for you.

She still embodies all the awful stereotypes she did before. But she's got a new hat. I want it. I want it. I want it.

It's been done.

So my mom works at Hooters.

we wear short shorts

Oh, no, you don't!

Thanks for poisoning the planet, bastard! Get bent! No more Chernobyls! Go to hell! You know, I was a little worried about coming to this convention with you. But I think as long as we're not alone together--

I'll start by turning the knob. Gotcha, Mrs.-- Ow! Oh, my God. Oh, Mom. You are a prankster's dream. Wow, you really clobbered him. That was a horrible trick to play on your mother.

When I'm driving the car, I get to choose the radio station. When you're driving, we'll listen to your radio station. I caN feel saint elmo's fire burnin' in me Oh, I can't take this anymore! Let's switch back. All right, my friends. Let's go to the phones.

Frankly, we don't care. So nobody believes I can do this, huh? Well, my son does. And I'm not gonna let him down. I'm going to climb this entire mountain on my own. Then technically shouldn't you go back down and start all over? Shut up! You are so fired!

Believe me, I know.

If you need additional solace, by the way, I've got a copy of something or other by Art Linkletter in my office.

Real, real, real, real, real! Whoo-hoo! Kids, today we have to talk about Krusty brand Chew Goo Gum-Like Substance. We knew it contained spider eggs, but the hantavirus-- well, that really came out of left field.

Hey, kids! There's a carnival tonight! Oh, boy! A carnival! Hmm.

Ooh, you brought me a nacho hat! Thanks, Ned. Nacho, nacho man I want to be a nacho man

This is an outrage dragging me into-- Oh, this makes me very angry. Now, we're going to run a few tests. This is a simple lie detector. I'll ask you a few yes or no questions... and you just answer truthfully. - Do you understand? - Yes.

It's the TV movie of the year-- The Krusty the Klown Story: Booze, Drugs, Guns, Lies, Blackmail and Laughter. Starring Fyvush Finkel as Krusty the Clown.

Well, she may be helping my career, but she's starting to cramp my style. Oh, who cares? The offers are rolling in. Paramount wants you for a buddy comedy with Rob Lowe and Hugh Grant. Those sick freaks? Okay. Then get this. I think they want you to play McBain's sidekick in-- brace yourself--

That was a very sweet thing you did for poor Wiggum. But what's gonna happen to you? Oh, probably just a slap on the wrist. "And he who shall violate this law... shall be punished by catapult." Last time I help you. Sorry. I thought you'd get a fine,

And if it's a crime to steal a trillion dollars from our government... and hand it over to Communist Cuba, then I'm guilty of that too. And if it's a crime to bribe a jury, then so help me, I'll soon be guilty of that!

Hear ye. Hear ye. What's for breakfast? Toast. I don't understand thee, Marge. Hmm. Ye olde toast. Whoo-hoo.

Live from fabulous Centauri City,

Theme from a summer place From a summer place The theme from a summer place It's the theme--

We're wasting more energy than Ricky Martin's girlfriend. Hey-oh!

Glad to "rake" your acquaintance.

They can't seriously expect us to swallow that tripe. Now as a special treat, courtesy of our friends at the meat council, please help yourselves to this tripe.

Does it bother you... that Krusty uses "mad cow" beef to save money? No. Because they pass the savings on to me, the consumer.

Well, sir, I'll be honest with ya. I need a large African elephant, and I need it today. But I'm afraid this just isn't what I'm looking for. What do you mean? It's an elephant, isn't it? Well, it is and it isn't, if you understand what I mean. He likes peanuts.

Well, I don't see how it is. Nobody's even told me your name yet. I'm still not givin' up on Buck. There must be some harebrained, half-assed way-- This just in: A robbery is in progress at the National Bank of Springfield.

I know. Well done, monkey. That other panda gave some unexpected 'zazz to the festivities, eh? Maybe for you. How come you didn't rescue me? Too busy trying to keep my sides from splitting. It's happened before. Monty say, monkey do. What could be better?

Honey, I know you wanna see japan, but we're down to our last million yen. Don't worry, ichiban. I'll show you something japanese.

a lifetime member of your wonderful organization. Homer, you can't join up with these gun nuts. Oh, come on. Be fair, Marge. For once in your life, be fair!

Oink, oink, oink.

Why are you letting him do this? I don't know. Well, punish him. All right, all right. Bart, go to your room. See you in the funny pages. How could you let this happen? How could you let this happen? I wasn't here. Oh, how convenient.

a half-gallon of premium ice cream on your way home from work. Ooh, premium-- Wait a minute. Why ? Patty and Selma are coming over to show us slides from their trip to the Yucatan. Doh ! Anybody home ? Ooh, I've got to go, Homer.

Are these morons getting dumber, or just louder? Dumber, sir. They won't give up the Bear Patrol,

Chocolate microscopes? You know those guitars that are, like, double guitars, you know? More rubber stamps. Principal Skinner, this is your secretary. There is one last student here to see you. That's odd. I don't have a secretary or an intercom. But send him in.

you've convinced me there are more terrible things than musical Comedies where everyone sings there is something worse and it really does blow when A long-running series

I've seen The itchy and Scratchy Movie 13 times. I've seen it 17 times. You guys must be getting pretty tired of that movie by now. No one who saw the movie would say that! Let's get him!

Ten, nine, eight-- eight-- eight-- eight-- Ohh! Will this horrible year never end?

jimbo jones called for tripping. The penalty shot will be taken by Bart Simpson. Oh, my God, Marge. A penalty shot with only four seconds left.

Shoe shine, sir? Comb your hair for ya? Sir? - Humph. - Sir? Sir? Sir? Okay. Catch you on the way back. Oh, hi, kids. Hi, Chester.

Now if you'll excuse me, I've got some dust that needs busting. This is Kent Brockman... at the scene of a level three rhino alert. Authorities say there's no immediate danger to anyone-- except those three luckless people whom we'll identify... once the rhinos spit out their wallets.

Hey, hey, it's Krusty the Clown. Hey, hey! Uh-- It's you, right? And this guy, uh, with all the jokes he does. You're the reason I went into comedy. If it weren't for you, I'd be a doctor. Yeah, yeah, right. Thanks.

So! Oh, geez. This looks bad. Better turn on the old Wiggum charm. Pervert! Oh, boy. That sounded bad.

offered this advice: "Double your pleasure with a bath... together." Homie, I can't quite fit. Faucet's jammed into my back. I'm stuck. So am I.

I remember that meeting, and I have a photographic memory. Legalized gambling is a bad idea. You can build a casino over my dead body. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. For you. It's the president. Y'ello?

Dang! D'oh! Dad, what do we do? The only thing we can do. Sit tight and try to get some sleep.

I thought I told you to go to bed. Yeah, right. "Bread." You said, "Go to bread." I said, "Go to bed." Yeah. "Go to bread." B-E-D! Bed! Oh! "Bed"! Oh. Well, anything you say, Sis.

I feel like I'm Princess Grace and Princess Di smashed together. And look at me. I'm reading The Economist. Did you know Indonesia is at a crossroads? No. It is.

Ned? It'd be my pleasure, Homer! Oh, joy! Let's see what we got here. It's a new brassiere! But I don't even have them, but okay. I'll make pretend. What a great Christmas. Not even Moe's annual suicide attempt can ruin it.

That oughta hold the little S.O.B.s. Gabbo, quiet. Oh, I wouldn't wanna offend the little S.O.B.s. I wish you'd stop saying that.

You always say we should talk. I'm talking right now, as a matter of fact. But I'm going to stop in a second, so please, say something back, Marge, please ? I'm gonna stop talking... now.

People of Earth, we have traveled all the way from space... to attend the most "astrotastic" event in the entire universe. You said it, Phil. It's the bimonthly Springfield sci-fi convention. That's right. It's Bi-Mon-Sci-Fi-Con.

Homer, for your bravery and skill we award you this ham, this plaque this discount coupon book and my own personal thumbs-up. Ahh!

My pious husband is missing. The baby I chose to have baptized is gone. (THUNDER CRACKING) Mr. Thompson, what's happening? It's the Rapture, Shauna. The Rapture. The virtuous have gone to heaven and the rest of us have been left below.

Hey, kids ! Who do you love ? Krusty ! How much do you love me ? With all our hearts !

If they don't let me in here, I'm gonna have to quit drinking. Yea! Shut up, liver!

I don't know. Drug lab?

Homer, don't take this personally, but I've obtained a court order to prevent you from planning this wedding. Well, these seem to be in order. I'll be out back in the hammock.

Ooh. I never knew jim Belushi made so many movies. Yeah, isn't it amazing? They're filming one right now in the bathroom. Gonna be on towards the end of the flight. Toga! Toga! Toga 2,000! Marge, they stole my idea.

Bart, you can't go to see that Itchy and Scratchy movie ever! Oh, no! Beta!

Well, everybody's got a fear of something. Not everybody. Sock puppets! Where? Where?

Oh. So you're lookin' for a Mr. Smithers, eh? First name Waylon, is it? Listen to me, you! When I catch you, I'm gonna pull out your eyes and shove 'em down your pants... so you can watch me kick the crap outta you! Okay? Then I'm gonna use your tongue to paint my boat. Ooh.

we ouGhta drown you just like cats adults, you run our lives like you're Colonel klink adults, you strut around like your farts don't stink adults, you're suCh a drooling, Snoring boozing, boring bunch surly, meanie three-martini lunchers

Now you tell me. We only have two openings so one of you will go home empty-handed... But it won't be my old frat buddy Lou Collier. How you doing, you old Alpha Tau? Smithers, you keg-meister, you. Uh-huh-huh, hey.

- Call this number if Grampa falls in the bathtub. - I heard that.

It's gonna be an adjustment, no question. But-- Ugh! Can you believe it, Kodos? They left us out of the Halloween show! Are you sure the space-phone is working?

Put out an A.P.B.... on a Uosdwis R. Dewoh. Uh, better start with Greek town. That's Homer J. Simpson, Chief. You're reading it upside down. Uh, cancel that A.P.B. But, uh-- Oh, bring back some of them, uh, gyros. Uh, Chief, you're talking into your wallet.

Permission denied. Payload checklist. I.R.S. surveillance satellite. Check. Ant farm. Check. Children's letters to God. Check. Three, two, one. Make rocket go now.

And here come the pretzels. Oh, no! Oh, don't do that! You're supposed to be tasting them!

You mean there's a better way?

Homer. Welcome to my home, brother. Holy moly ! The bastard's rich !

We change the name of the town to escape our creditors. I need names, people! Lima, Peru! Gotham City! Wiggumville! Burger King!

Yes, dear. Ohh. i remember Little Vicki Valentine. Her perky smile and dancing brought America right out of the Depression. Well, I think World War II helped a little, Mom.

Computers can do that?

(PIERCING FLESH) Wait a minute. I've killed a baby. I'm a monster. (GROWLS) I can't take anymore.

The first one to whack it, gets a free Squishy.

you'll hear a recipe for a really ripping lentil soup.

a lot of carbon monoxide, so keep the window open. Cat in the furnace. Uh, you know, I think I'll take Maggie with us.

Of course, one thing mother blue jay can't defend against... is a set of steel tongs. Eggs. Precious eggs. If they're to survive, they require the gentle warmth and tender love... that only a mother can provide. Or better yet, a 75-watt bulb.

National Association of the Sellers of Alcohol. Yay! Why does a dog have human girlfriends? People do crazy things in ads-- like eat at Arby's.

Oh, no. Quite the opposite. It's made you weak as a kitten. Look! Hey, come on. Quit it. Coochy coochy coo! Stop. Please stop. Oh, you swing like a girl. Come on, now. Please have mercy. Got your nose. Not funny.

You want to hear a secret, everybody? Luann loves it! Loves it when I fail! Oh, yes, Kirk. I love having to borrow money from my sister. I love having to steal clothes from the church donation box. Oh, sweet jesus!

Good-bye, my Coney Isle-- Good-bye, my Coney Isle-- Good-bye my Coney Island babe Good-bye my Coney Island babe

Hey, watch it! Watch it! That man is instantly the most annoying person I have ever met. A soy-based snack will calm me down.

Oh, son of a-- Oh, dear. Phew! Boy, that-- Ow!

For liability purposes, it is the ocean that will kill you, not us. Hey, what do you know? It floats. That was my plan all along. Now relax, and the currents will take us home.

Yeah! Now hold on, Kang. You can't bully my audience with your fancy ray gun. And now for my final thought. Nobody wins when parents put their petty squabbles above the welfare of a child.

The hair! The hair! Slut! Loser! Skank! Skank! Skank! I'm feeling kind of low, Apu. Got any of that beer that has candy floating in it? You know, SkittlebrÄu? Such a product does not exist, sir. I think you must have dreamed it.

Oh, there they are. Ah, it's the swindlers. The Simpsons. Ah, them stinkin' liars. Well, there goes Christmas dinner. Oh, head of the line.

Well, will you at least permit us to live in your socialist paradise? You're talking about Cuba? Exactly. All we ask is preferential treatment because of my fabulous wealth. May I see? See with your eyes, not with your hands.

I'm alive! With the breathing and the tingling and the... What's this radiator where my pupik should be? Oh! Papa, you're back! Now we had to replace several vital organs with machinery. But that doesn't make you any less of a man. Except you have no penis. In the traditional sense.

And I can't even see the game. Just poke through.

It was a different time-- 1998.

Samantha! Dad! Noooooo! Samantha, you're my little girl and sometimes my imagination runs away with me.

This is better than a movie... why?

Are you averse to crispy centers, sir? Not at all. Then we have much to discuss.

you just read the manual and press the right button. Simpson? Monty Burns. Come with me. Homer! Homer! Homer! Now, now... that will do. Homer, for your bravery and skill

Yeah. Like comedy clubs in the late ’80s... these ravenous clones are everywhere. They've destroyed every building in town... except Moe’s Tavern, which is reporting record business. - Huh? - Huh.

Hey, hold still. Keep running, Max. I can't lose him! Help him out, Lou. Uh, you better call for backup, Chief. Leave me alone! Go swab Begley. He likes it. Slow down, punk!

I, for one, would like to see the cafeteria menus in advance... so parents can adjust their dinner menus accordingly. I don't like the idea of Milhouse having two spaghetti meals in one day.

I'm an old man. I hate everything but Matlock. Ooh, it's on now.

People, please! We're all frightened and horny. But we can't let some killer dolphins keep us from living and scoring!

And this is your office. That idiot Tibor lost the key, but you can jimmy it open with a credit card. Well, have fun. What do I do? Marge, please. According to your rÉsume, you invented this machine.

Why, it's Curtis E. Bear, the courtesy bear.

Exactly. D'oh! - Next! - ¡Excellente!

Yep, here's your problem. Someone set this thing to "evil."

One, two-- Hey. What's the big idea? Oh, I admit it. It's only two alarm. Two and a half tops. I just wanted to be a big man in front of the kids. Daddy, are you going to jail? We'll see, Son. We'll see.

They're trapped. Oh, damn it!

No, really. I can't. It's a serious problem. What are we all laughing about? Who cares? Anyway, it all happened during that magical summer of 1985.

Let me get this straight. You're pleased with your current appearance ? Ah, why, my good man, you're the fattest thing I've ever seen. And I've been on safari. If you need me, I'll be in the refrigerator. Mmm !

That's it! You people have stood in my way long enough! I'm going to clown college! I don't think any of us expected him to say that.

So, isn't that what we're all asking in our own lives? Where's my elephant? I know that's what I've been asking.

Whoo-hoo! Whoo-hoo!

(RAPPING) Yo, yo, yo! Slide your green Into the machine. And don't expect any change, dawg. It's like a fundraising school bake sale with slang as the Saran Wrap.

Ruth Powers was tried in Springfield Superior Court. The judge dismissed her ex-husband's auto theft charges... and forced him to pay all back child support. Mr. Powers blamed the outcome on his lawyer, one Lionel Hutz.

Hiya, neighbor! Hey, what-- what-- what you writing there? If you must know, it's an exquisite scheme for revenge. Revenge, huh? Half the guys in here are working on that. Well, mine's better.

Your lifelong dream was to be a contestant on The Gong Show. And you did it in 1977. Remember? We got more gongs than the break-dancing robot that caught on fire.

We got a pinhole leak and there's no way to plug it. I guess that's it. Ladies and gentlemen, we're in a tough spot, and I don't know if we're gonna get out. Please remain calm and think of your loved ones. Oh, Mr. Snookums. Oh, I "wuv" you so-- What are you lookin' at?

(SCREAMING) No!

We're, um-- Oh, don't squirm on my account. I am giving her a bowling lesson, thank you. Now, Marge, the pins on the three-seven-ten split would be here. We'll make this little piece of food the ball. The ball's bigger. But for food, this is a good ball. Oh, well, bye-bye.

But your boy went Yoko and broke up my collection. Hey, boys will be boys. I am so tired of that tautology. It's not all his fault. I blame this latchkey kid.

Are we there yet? No.

The one thing that mystifies me is... how a Bolivian lizard made it to Springfield.

The Falkland Islands have just been invaded. I repeat, the Falklands have just been invaded! The disputed islands lie here, off the coast of Argentina.

One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, 10. Bye! Ah, we forfeit.

Assemble the aluminum j-channel using self-furring screws. Install. What do I do in case-- After applying brushable coating to the panels-- Wait a minute. you'll need corrosion-resistant metal stucco lath. Wait a minute! If you can't find metal stucco lath-- Uh-huh? use carbon-fiber stucco lath. Ohh! Now parge the lath.

The only thing I'm high on is love-- love for my son and daughters. Yes, a little L.S.D. is all I need.

Yes. The ultimate price. Get outta here! I saw weird stuff in that place last night. Weird, strange, sick, twisted, eerie, godless, evil stuff. And I want in. We don't, uh, know what you're talking about, Homer.

Outsiders have kidnapped some of our property. We must respond with our deadliest weapon. The lawyers. Go! Go! Go!

Simpson, you've got a 513.

(SNORING) Z-Z-Z-Z-Z-Z-Z... (SNORING) Z-Z-Z-Z-Z-Z-Z...

It's good to have another combat veteran around here. I myself received a number of medals... for securing that Montgomery Ward in Kuwait City. Mm, yes, Colonel. Now, I understand it'll be my duty... to mold the new recruits into a well-disciplined, highly trained infantry unit. Sure, I guess. Here they come.

Aw, hell! Diddily-ding-dong crap! Can't you morons do anything right? - Hey! - Ned, we meant well. And everyone here tried their best. Well, my family and I can't live in good intentions, Marge! Oh, your family's out of control, but we can't blame you,

because her raspy voice reminded me of my old Victrola. Oh, it was a fine machine... with a vulcanized rubber listening tube...

Krusty, have you ever seen this so-called animation genius before? Yes, I have. You have? I gave him a couple of blintzes to paint my fence, but he never did it! Those blintzes were terrible. Paint my fence! Make me. You give me back those blintzes then!

The low test scores, class after class of ugly, ugly children! Oh, now I really think the children's appearance-- Seymour, you are in very, very big trouble. Why, looking into this loveable mutt's eyes just melts my heart. Seymour, all is forgiven.

Why we gettin' dressed-up, Mom? Are we going to Black Angus? Well, you might say we're going to the best steakhouse in the whole universe. So we're not going to Black Angus.

Kids, from now on, I don't want you touching anything in our house. Dart! Woo-hoo! Yeah! Nice shot, Homer! One Bourbon one Scotch one beer

Sorry. No can do.

What do you want? I came to see the kids. Wait here... and don't steal any light bulbs. Hmm... - Dad! - Dad! Hey, kids.

(GASPS) There's Dan Rather and Tom Brokaw hanging out with Kent Brockman! You want your mike back, local anchor? This just in. I'm pissed off. Hi, fellas. Chloe, you want to feel my muscle? (CHUCKLES) Chloe has such an amazing life.

We're good buddies. We play this game called "Who can punch the softest?"

Here's the pitch. Swung on and missed. Strike three. Topes lose. Topes lose. Topes lose.

Get him, boy! Smash that fly! Mush him up good! Nice work, Son.

Well, there goes Christmas dinner. Oh, head of the line. A family could get used to being shunned, huh? Huh? Hey, look, Sean. It's that family everybody hates. Whatever.

And that's a felony! Yes, sir. On the other hand, I was young once. I'll bring the car around. And I suppose boys will be-- Oh! Oops. My vacation just started.

It almost seemed like those folks were making fun of old Steady Neddie. Well, you may be a bit cautious, but what's wrong with that? Some people like chunky peanut butter, some like smooth. Mm-hmm, and some people just steer clear of that whole hornets' nest. I'll stick with just plain white bread, thank you very much, maybe with a-- Glass of water on the side for dippin'.

they listen to the rap music, which gives them the brain damage... with their hippin' and the hoppin' and the bippin' and the boppin'. So they don't know what the jazz is all about. You see? Jazz is like a jell-O Pudding Pop. No. Actually, it's more like Kodak film.

Look, that kid's got bosoms! Who's got a wet towel? Come here, you butterball. Don't make me run! I'm full of chocolate!

I know. I'll do a raP. I'm Mr. Plow and I'm here to say - I'm the pLowingest Guy in the U.s.a. - I got A big Plow and I move a Lot of things - just like your cow if you havE one - please. Stop it right now. Promise you'll never do that again.

I'm Lurleen Lumpkin. That's a pretty name. You think so?

Hey, immigrants, beat it! Country's full! Okay, folks. You heard the lady. Back into the hold. We'll try Canada.

Second, could you please take in your jack-o'-lanterns... from past Halloweens? Mmm, no.

Hey, look! A cyborg hand. This could really come in useful.

So I guess you can't destroy Earth... since so many of your favorite celebrities live and work here. We will not destroy the Earth! On one condition. You name it.

I see. Do you have receipt, quote, unquote "sir"? No, I do not have a receipt. I won it as a door prize at the Star Trek convention, although I find their choice of prize highly illogical, as the average Trekker has no use for a medium-sized belt. Whoa, whoa. A fat, sarcastic Star Trek fan.

Now there is still a slight chance we could rescue your husband before he expands. (BOTH GRUNTING) Uh, make that zero chance. Frink out.

It was only a dream. Bart! Is that you? Yes! Take out the garbage. And then he raked me across the chest. And the weirdest thing was, it was that school janitor who mysteriously disappeared! Groundskeeper Willie!

(CHEERING) Thank you. Vote for me for best in show. You guys are on after Al Franken. So the guards would have used up most of their bullets. Make your break at the end of your act. Now, people have accused this family of not loving our country,

Well, here we are. All right. Let me start off by telling you... this will not be a walk in the park. This will be the most arduous and backbreaking weekend of your life. I cannot overemphasize the dangers which-- Did you bring your family, Simpson? Uh, yes, sir. I thought I was supposed to.

But I've never felt this way before. I think I have a crush. Uh-- Oh, really? On Nelson Muntz. Way to drink, Poindexter! You like Nelson? But he's a creep, and he chipped one of my permanent teeth!

McBain to base. Under attack by Commie Nazis. They won't stop me from delivering these UNICEF pennies.

It's so nice to have a peaceful weekend together. Yeah, I'm bored too. Mm-hmm. Hey, why don't we do one of those craft kits Aunt Patty always gives us. Hmm. Oh! How 'bout paint by numbers? It's so rigid and uncreative. Okay.

judgment Day is upon us. I warned you the Lord wouldn't stand for your minidresses and Beatle boots. I resisted these for 35 years. Why did I wear them today? But it's not too late to repent your sins and be embraced by the Almighty.

Hello, Bart. Down here, Bart. Ow!

Tonight on Smartline: "I'm okay. You're too fat." Here's your host, Kent Brockman. Good evening. Did you know that 34 million american adults are obese? That excess blubber could fill two-fifths of the Grand Canyon.

Please, "ugly" is such a smelly word.

You call this a soccer riot? Come on, boys. Let's take 'em to school! Oi! Oi! Oi!

Don't worry, honey. Daddy will fix that broken animal. No! I'm not gonna hurt him. I'm just gonna wake him up.

Scott, things aren't as happy as they used to be down here at the unemployment office. Joblessness is no longer just for philosophy majors. Useful people are starting to feel the pinch.

You said there'd be "Fudgeicles," Bart. Where's the "Fudgeicles"? First, it's Fudgsicle. And I know they're up here. I just need a better foothold. Hello! And the next marksman is William Tell, jr.!

You've got a father. He's just a dud. Next question. Yes. The girl Bart has a crush on. Do you think I could grow up to be a doctor? Hey, this was supposed to be about me.

Kent O'Brockman live on Main Street where today... everyone is a little bit Irish... except, of course, for the gays and the Italians. All right, then. Move along. Nothin' to see here. Show's over, folks. Parades just bring out so many emotions in me-- joy, excitement, looking.

Get out of here. Will you marry me? Homer! How'd you get in here? Toilet hole. You leave my wife alone! You don't deserve her! You know nothing about Marge. What's her favorite food? Uh, ice? Wrong! It's buttered noodles. He's right.

Uh, Homer Sexual? Mike Rotch? Uh, Amanda Huggenkiss? Uh, Hugh jass? Ivana Tinkle? I'm a stupid moron with an ugly face and a big butt, and my butt smells and I like to kiss my own butt? No, no, no!

Tonight's episode-- "Scuse Me While I Kill the Sky." Why are you driving a car?

Now, I know we love the puppies very much, but I think they're getting to be a problem. Yeah, they ate all my socks! I have to wear Lisa's to school today. How do you explain the culottes, boy? Well, I have to coordinate. Your mother and I have been thinking about giving the puppies away! No! Mainly your mother.

for I am about to say something very serious, perhaps shocking. Marge, my darling, I want you to meet with me again, That doesn't shock me. away from prying eyes, away from the Helens of the world, at my apartment-- the Fiesta Terrace.

Uh-uh. You forgot the lightning bolt.

And now, a word from our new sponsor. Percodan? Aw, crap! Bart, are you ready for your history test? Oh, you bet, Mom! Ask me anything. Okay. Who was George Washington Carver? Um, the guy who chopped up George Washington?

We're almost home, Dad. Only a couple more times over the horizon. But I might explode! You just sit back and relax. I'm not gonna let anything happen to my old dad. Oh, dear God! This man's kidneys have exploded. - There's nothing left. - Oh, no!

This is a pretzel town, pretty boy.

And I'm studying for the math fair. If I win, I'll bring home a brand-new protractor. Too bad we don't live on a farm. Let's go, boy.

seeing that my wife just passed away.

I talked to Dr. Hibbert today. He gave me a list of heart-smart foods. "Cotta-hay cheese"? Cottage cheese! Yuck! From the looks of it, this cheese has already been eaten. Oh, honey, please take this seriously. When people used to ask me how you were doing,

Thank you. Thank you. Hey! Hey! Ehh! I ain't readin' that. No, not that either. Okay. Let's bring on our first bachelor. All right, ladies.

I'm going to make the most international coffee in the house: Montreal Morn.

We finally have something to put in the wall safe. Hostess Twinkies? I heard if you age them for 10 years, they turn to liquor.

4:00? Couple hours I have to get up and go to work. Got to go to work. Go to work-- Ooh, look at them, Smithers-- goldbrickers, layabouts, slugabeds. Little do they realize...

No, really. I can't. It's a serious problem. What are we all laughing about? Who cares?

Marge Simpson. Hello, class! Hi, Bart. Over here, sweetie. It's me, Mom. Hi. Hey! Hello!

It's a big country.

Take care, ladies. I'm sure you can make it back to the prison on your own. We will. You're all right, Donut Breath. You're like the son I never killed.

Three wars back we called "sauerkraut" "liberty cabbage." And we called "liberty cabbage" "super slaw." And back then a suitcase was known as a Swedish lunch box. Course nobody knew that but me. Anyway, "long story short"...

I'll buy you A diamOnd ring, my friend If it makes you feel all right I'll get you anything my friend if it'll make you feel all right 'Cause i don't care too much For money money can't buy me love I'll give you all I've got to give oy!

of your medical expenses? Boring! Wait! This might be the answer we're looking for. I will perform any operation for 129.95. Come in for brain surgery... and receive a free Chinese finger trap.

Boy! A man on a Squishy bender can sure do some crazy things. Uh-oh. Not again?

Oh, dear. It would be a shame if that pretty dress got wet. I'd say the greater danger is her scepter acting as a lightning rod. Unless it's made out of plastic. Nope. Metal.

Homer, this has gone far enough.

Everybody, look at the much needed rain! Thank you, God! Now turn the rainwater into wine!

The rest of you writers start thinking up a name for this funky dog. I don't know. Something along the lines of, say, Poochie. Only more proactive. Yeah! So, Poochie okay with everybody? Yeah. Yeah, you know, it's good.

He left his briefcase. Hey! It's full of shredded newspapers. Well, I guess that's it. People like us can't afford justice. Come on, Homie. Let's go before he fires you too. No!

Simpson. Detective Homer Simpson.

What's your name, son? Ralph. And is this your girlfriend, Ralph? Yes! I love Lisa Simpson, and when I grow up, I'm going to marry her. Noooo! Now you listen to me. I don't like you. I never liked you. And the only reason I gave you that stupid Valentine...

Doesn't it bother you that you're breaking up our family? You know, I bet you and me could be friends. I could show you how to put on makeup. I'm eight years old. You could look seven. And I could teach you to count cards. Eh. I already got a system. Geez, Homer. I thought someone with two wives would be happy.

Oh, what a face. She looks just like you. You calling her repellent? Well, no. lwasjust- Cause you aint exactly Karen Allen yourself, you know? You idiot! l was trying to pick you up. Oh, great. Uh, well, why dont you play with the baby while I go rent a room'? Uhh!

If it's clear and yella, you've got juice there, fella. If it's tangy and brown, you're in cider town. Now, there's two exceptions and it gets kind of-- Oh! You can stay, but I'm leaving. And of course in Canada, the whole thing's flip-flopped.

Everyone has a child but me. Cheer up, sis. There's a dented can sale down at Tregman's. (GROANS) This is one problem damaged food can't solve. Wow. You really are down. Hey, you ever think of adoption? The adoption process! That'll end the heartbreak!

Not a firecracker! Hey! I bought it from a guy on your reservation. That's Crazy Talk. No. It's true. No, I know. That's my brother, Crazy Talk. We're all a little worried about him.

Of course! Nuclear power! It's the job of tomorrow... today! Really? Well, that settles it. For all those reasons and more, let us choose an electrifying career in-- Line? Nuclear power. Nuclear power.

Checkmate, Mr. Trampoline. Oh!

Did you talk about me in therapy today? I don't think so. Tell me the truth! Don't tell her I raised my voice. Don't. Happy family. Happy family.

Come on, Flanders. Doesn't that Bible of yours say to love thy neighbor? Why won't you love me? All right, neighbor. I'll babysit. Thanks, Ned. You wear a bathing suit in the bathtub? Yeah, so I can't see my own shrinky-dink. Makes sense. (AIR WHOOSHING)

What do you say?

There's no way I'll get into an Ivy League school now. At this rate, I probably won't even get into Vassar. I've had just about enough of your Vassar bashing, young lady! Look, Mom, it feels really weird having you on my turf. How would you feel if I started mopping the floor? - I'd be thrilled. You can start right now. - Oh!

Look what he did to my best friend. What? No, my dog.

Hey, good-looking, we'll be back for some dinner later.

What's Lyme disease ? I'll field that one. Lyme disease is spread by small parasites called ticks. When a diseased tick attaches itself to you, it begins sucking your blood, Oh ! malignant spirochetes infest your bloodstream, eventually spreading to your spinal fluid and on into the brain. The brain ? Oh, dear God.

All this yelling is taking away my horny. Is it? Oh, that's it. Dagmar, Julian. Throw this bum out.

Tonight, When Dinosaurs Get Drunk-- Hmm. Oh. Oh, I've been there, man.

Eh, their union just called an emergency caucus. Caucus, caucus, caucus Caucus, caucus, caucus But we'll have the last laugh on those Johnny-come-not-lies.

Eine Minuten! Eine Minuten! Aah! Das wagenfon ist eine nuisance phone! - Buenos noches, mein FÜhrer. - Ja, ja.

Mmm- Hey. Huh? For three seconds there, you were legally the mayor. Yeah! And you was a girl, Joel

And so one town's brief flirtation with prohibition... ended in a joyous remarriage to Lady Liquor. Congratulations, Springfield. We wish you the very best! To alcohol, the cause of and solution to... all of life's problems.

Oh, wait, there is. Probably not much of it. Why can't you be a little more supportive? 'Cause I don't care, okay? I can't fake an interest in this, and I'm an expert at faking an interest in your kooky projects. What "kooky projects"? You know, the painting class, the first aid course, the whole Lamaze thing. Why didn't you tell me you felt this way?

You are not performing that operation yourself. But, Marge, it looks so easy. just like carving a turkey. Oh! Oh! Eww! Maybe you're right, Marge.

Oh! We're takin' a bath on this. We tried to tell ya these are unmanned oil rigs. Aw, close the damn thing down. No one's ever gonna come. Huh? Give me 700 Krusty Burgers! You want fries with that?

- Sparkle, sparkle. - Bart! - Pinhole leak! - Dad? The earring could plug the hole. I'll plug your hole!

I feel good, with no repercussions.

Smithers, are they booing me? Uh, no. They're saying, "Boo-urns! Boo-urns!" Are you saying "Boo" or "Boo-urns"? I was saying Boo-urns.

I'm sorry, kid. We got Simpson D.N.A. on Burns's clothing, and your father was identified by the old man himself. D.N.A. Positive I.D. - Those won't hold up in any court. Run, Dad! - Hey, ho! Look what I found under Mr. Simpson's car seat.

Sweet Adeline Sweet Adeline My Adeline My Adeline

Go. Blow. And now a special treat.

all the other characters should be asking, "Where's Poochie?"

Get yourself another hero, kid. I'm all washed up. Well, I guess it's up to Ralph to stop Goliath.

It was an accident! Yeah, yeah. Save it for Dateline Tuesday. Uh, what's your address so I can come arrest you? Arrest me? Um, my address, it's, um, 123 Fake Street. 123 Fake Street. Got it. Come on! Come on, boy.

Mr. Army Man? I can't sleep without my Reggie Rabbit. Is that some sort of plush novelty? Yes, ma'am. Well, here's a scouring pad. It's just as good. It's cold and hurt-y.

Okay, okay, it wasn't how he said it either. But the message was loud and clear: Our family stinks ! Hmm. Homer, I'm your best friend, but I've gotta say,

You're dead! Uh-- Hey, look! Someone's attractive cousin! I don't see anybody!

I think I have a way to stop the train. You need to find an anchor of some sort. Think harder, Homer.

What began as a traditional soccer riot... has escalated into a citywide orgy of destruction. Reacting swiftly, Mayor Quimby has declared mob rule. So for the next several years, it's every family for itself! Ex-Ex-Excuse me, sir.

All right, boys, set your nightsticks on whomp. Uh, mine's stuck on twirl. Oh, for the love of-- There.

Here's what happens when they all try to get through the door at once. Move it, chowderhead! We call it Three Stooges syndrome. So what you're saying is I'm indestructible.

You go, Homer. Whoosh! Ow! Jetson! We've got to get you into surgery.

I must say Mr. Burns is being awfully inconsiderate. Selfish, even. Burns needs some serious "boosta-fazoo," right, Dad? Dad? Homer! Sorry, Grampa. It's just that for a second, it looked like Dad had melted. Well, get used to it, 'cause I'm living here now.

If you don't watch the violence, you'll never get desensitized to it. just tell me when the scary part's over. It's over. I think that guy's a spy. Of course he's a spy.

Such a violent motif. Yeah, but it's just pretend violence, which is actually beneficial for children. Ow! Ow! There's no need to murmur, ma'am. Here at Itchy and Scratchy Land, we're just as concerned about violence as you are.

How do we know when we fall in love? Oh, don't you worry. Most of you will never fall in love and marry out of fear of dying alone.

And to protect Mother Earth, each copy contains a certain percentage of recycled paper. What percent is that? Zero! Zero's a percent. Hey, I smell cake. Cake that says-- "Farewell" and--

Come on, TV. Give me some of that sweet, sweet pap. Well, let's define our terms, gentlemen. Are we talking about redistricting or are we talking about reapportionment? Oh, well, can't win 'em all. We interrupt this public affairs program to bring you a football game. Yes!

So what are we doing, a lengthening or a widening? Yarr. Uh, let's make it both. Garr! Don't worry. It's inflammable. Let's keep this our little secret.

It's Italian-Americans. Right, right. Filthy i-talian-Americans.

"A volley of musketry flamed, thundered, roared. "A profound silence followed, "broken only by the approaching footsteps... of the Third Brigade." Next week, chapter 35 of the Man in the iron Mask: "The Death of a Titan."

Oh, man, that's good!

"Dear Bart, How is France ? "I don't know why you haven't written. I guess you're just having too much fun." Oh, yeah, right. Silence ! "Everyone here in the United States is fine. "We think Maggie may say her First word any day now.

No, that's not good. Marge, honey, I love you. Oh. Um-- Marge, I love ya, baby. Marge, sweetie, "hooney," honey-- Ah, this'll never work.

"Embiggens"? Hmm. I never heard that word before I moved to Springfield. I don't know why. It's a perfectly "cromulent" word.

A buck. I have a buck. I have one dollar. I have one dollar there. Do I hear two? Sold-- for a buck.

It's always a party with Funzo. I admit it's kind of cute. But it'll never take the place of Malibu Stacy. Did you see that? Yeah. Funzo makes playtime fun! Hey, kids. It's--

Oh, hello. In a few days our eggs will hatch into nestlings, like these over here. They look awfully hungry, Mr. McClure. They sure are, Billy. In nature, their mother would regurgitate food for them to eat. That's gross! It sure is, Billy.

I'm Mr. Bergstrom. Feel free to make fun of my name if you want. Two suggestions are Mr. Nerdstrom and Mr. Boogerstrom.

Can't someone else do it? "Can't someone else do it?" That's perfect.

Moe, it's all relative. Is Lenny really that dumb? Huh? is Barney that drunk? is Homer that lazy, bald and fat? Oh, my God! It's worse than I thought! See, this is why I don't talk much.

Good old Krusty Burger. Oh, I'll say. Look at that redheaded kid. There must be $20 worth of grease on his forehead alone. I was thinking more of the deep fryer. All right. We'll try it your way. Can I help you, sir? My God, you're greasy!

Hey, kids! I'M flame-retardant.

Help me, Radioactive Man. Watch out, Radioactive Man! Totally awesome. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. It's all in the delivery. "Now is the winter of our discontent"-- Oh, no! Run! Cool! Yeah.

Why would they call if they don't want to talk? ...The itchy and scratchy show!

Man, the air feels good on my neck.

¡AY! No es bueno.

I'm catching a pass from Dan Marino. This is the greatest moment of my-- Whoo-hoo! Homer Simpson with a pick! Hey, Bubba, Hacksaw, get that moron. Uh-oh. Lateral to Bart. D'oh! My spine.

Your box made promises of a "vacational" nature, and I expect you to live up to them. We won't though. Sir, with all due respect, an old box of cookies is not a legal contract. Ow! My eye! Is that our fault? We're in big, big trouble. He could sue us. It was defective string. Yeah, and it's got very sharp corners.

He's the Flanders, man The Flanders, man Flanders-- I am so sick of that song. Me too. I've come to hate my own creation. Now I know how God feels.

Did anyone see that new Woodsy Allen movie? You know, I like his films, except for that nervous fella's always in 'em. If you want to talk nervous, you should have seen Kirk deal with the high school boys...

So, the tables have turned! Now you're the shut-in, and I'm the hip young dude! There goes my wagging finger. I'm so bored! Aw, come on. There's lots of ways to pass the time. Hitch up your pants, air whittle.

It's the same table!

Kent, I-- I feel about as low as Madonna... when she found out she missed Tailhook. I'm gonna say ouch for Madonna. Hey, that's my Madonna gag. That guy stole my gag. And you stole it from last Friday's episode of Pardon My Zinger.

Thirsting for a way to name the unnameable, to express the inexpressible. Tell me more.

Can I get a phone that plays the Mexican hat dance? I insist on it. I dance, I dance, I dance Around the Mexican hat I dance, I dance, I dance And that's the end of that Or is it I guess I'll keep singing My cell phone appears to be ringing Hey!

Bite, fight, fighT, fight bite, bite, bite the itchy and scratchy show. Guest director, Oliver Stone.

- Yum ! Don't mind if I do. - Bart ! Oh, man ! Keep your greasy mitts outta there. these are For lisa's class. It's Mrs. Hoover's birthday. You know, there are names for people like you. No, there aren't. - Teacher's pet, apple polisher, butt Kisser-- - Bart ! - You're saying "butt kisser" like it's a bad thing. - Huh ?

Why so glum? I got a problem. Once you stop this car, I'm gonna hug you and kiss you, and then I'll never be able to let you go. Ah, your first kiss. But not the last.

D'oh! Well, I got him as good as he got me. D'oh! Now, before I give you the check, one more question.

Here's the admission, plus, uh, something for you. See that they get a little extra education, would ya? Yes, sir, Principal Valiant! He thinks he's so hot ever since he swept the Princi Awards.

(CROWD CHEERING) Yay! (GONNA MAKE YOU SWEAT PLAYING)

I promised my son he could tip over his first cow. And I-- TOmacco? Yes, it's the latest craze. Try some, won't you? Go ahead, Ralphie. The stranger is offering you a treat. Mmm. Oh, Daddy! This tastes like Grandma!

Keep cool, Simpson. Be in the game but not of the game. No es bueno.

Stinky all the way Stink, stink, stink. Stink, stink, stink One horse open sleigh (BOTH SCREAMING) Thank you, Nelson. He who ha-ha's last, ha-ha's best. I really appreciate you teaching those mean girls a lesson.

Oh, was it something I said?

in a tidal wave in Kuala La-la--" "Pur--" "Kuala Lum-pur--" - France. - Yoink! Yoink? Ah, heck. Now, where am I gonna get a Danish?

You're responsible for this, Simpson. No way! I didn't do it! Unlike all the other stuff I told you I didn't do which I did. Bart, I'm sick of playing the tomfool! You are hereby expelled from Springfield Elementary!

Okay. Rod and Todd are. And the wife has a thing for me. But she hides it behind a mask of low-key hostility. But we've got to give this thing a chance. I want the two families to take a trip together this weekend. No way, josÉ. Yes way. Don't worry, Bart. It seems like every week something odd happens to the Simpsons.

With all due respect, Mr. Taylor, this isn't the best time for your unique brand of bittersweet folk rock. We have a potentially critical situation here. I'm sure you'll understand.

Wow! - So who brought us here? - I don't know. Did you bring us here? No! Don't worry. If even half of your husband is out here, Officer Scraps'll find him. Oh, that's a darling name for a dog.

Okay, more coal. Less coal. Less. Less. More. Less. Less. Less. And... none. Perfect.

All right, who's Jimbo Jones? - I am. - You just made your second mistake, buddy boy! Please, dude, don't hurt me. Oh, man. That's your outlaw? I wasn't really gonna kill ya. I was just gonna cut ya.

(BOTH GRUNTING) CHLOE: Oh! My hair! Ladies, (CHUCKLE) there's no need to fight over me. No one's fighting over you! Oh. Well, then carry on. CHLOE: You don't know when to quit.

I realize Don't worry. You gotta hit it just right, like Fonzie. Hey!

It's terrible-- all the traffic lights are out. Driving sure is dangerous. Yeah, tell me about it.

Huh? I never looked behind this whatchamacallit case before. Huh? That's weird. It's like something out of that twilight-y show about that zone.

I feel like I'm Princess Grace and Princess Di smashed together.

I want you to stop seeing her. I can't. I'm her manager. Her manager! That's ridiculous. I won't allow you to spend any more time away from your family. You're standing in the way of my boyhood dream... of managing a beautiful country singer! Your boyhood dream was to eat the world's biggest hoagie. You did it at the county fair last year, remember?

The king of splatter, Tom Savini! Good evening. Sorry, I had a really big dinner. Whoo! Dinner! But I'm sure one more french fry wouldn't hurt.

Mmm. He was so young. Oh, so sad.

Pucker up, Ned.

We're trapped! Lisa, we may not make it. But at least we can go out as the great journalists we are. I'm not a journalist. You are now. Remember to keep my boobs in the shot. And we're on in five, four, three...

I'll never forgive myself for this.

Your metabolism will change someday too, young man.

Too many wee ones!

Hey, I got pictures of you, Quimby. You don't scare me. That could be anyone's ass.

You! Homer, thank God. You gotta help me here. Oh, I'll help you. Help you die! Waaah! All right, that's it. You're goin' down, pal.

Knife goes in, guts come out. Knife goes in, guts come out. Spare my life and I will grant you three wi-- Knife goes in, guts come out.

We're now in the communications room, or the comm room. Uh, this is a police radio, the single most important piece of equipment in the comm room. As you can see, some of the boys like to put their banana stickers all over it. Uh, there's Chiquita. That's Del Monte. There's a Banan Co.

Oh, good Lord. Simpson, you should have come to see me a long time ago. Yeah, maybe, but I just met this girl, Marge Bouvier, and I wanna force her to like me. Well, that's not exactly the type of guidance I give. Oh. I like to think I do something helpful for every student "N" through "Z." Uh, the only advice I can give you is...

Be in the game but not of the game.

You never know when it might come in handy.

Tonight: The Simpsons, as you've never seen them before, on Behind the Laughter.

You buried me naked and sold my suit to buy a ping-pong table! What kind of a son--

That oughta hold those S.O.B.s. What the--

But, Dad, by striking, they're trying to affect a change in management... so that they can be happier and more productive. Lisa, if you don't like your Job, you don't strike. You just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That's the American way.

Ooh ! Gross ! Yet strangely compelling. - Huh ? - It's a raid ! What the-- YOu-- Hey, you ! I know you ! Come back here ! Bart ! You promised me you wouldn't watch that trash. Now go to your room ! Man, I wish I was an adult so I could break the rules.

And then they gave me back my $500 investment... and kicked me out of the club.

Simpson. Hot diggity!

These aren't reptile eggs. You've been cheating! No matter where Mr. Burns hits the ball, you put a fresh one on the green! Cheating? For me?

Walking in a winter wonderland Exquisite. Just exquisite. Makes me wish I hadn't released the hounds. Should I call them off, sir? No, no. It's their Christmas too.

For there will be no fire truck for little Bart, no sweater for little Lisa, no Cajun sausage for little Homer.

- Have some nuts. - Hey, thanks. Ow! My eye! Ow! Ow! Ow! Now, if you wanna be the life of the party like Lenny here, just place your order for this hilarious novelty item. Homer, get outta here. Boy, Moe, you sure look angry.

Way to guard the parking lot, Top Gun! I have three medals for this.

Tiffany's, eh? It looks like Smoochie's... gonna seal the deal with a diamond the size of a doll's head. Aw, man. He's making us look like a bunch of cheapskates. Whoa, whoa! My rope came loose. There he is behind that shopping bag.

Where is everybody going? The symphony, she has just started! So? We already heard the Dum, dum, dum, dum The rest is just filler. I thought this was gonna be the soundtrack to the movie Beethoven. Was I sadly mistaken. It sounds better on my cell phone.

Lisa, dont hate me for this. Continue aiming. Still aiming. Hey, cops! Check out this all points bulletin! Hmm! Whoa! Look at those mogambos!

Homer, are you sure you can fly this thing? We'll make it, Dad, on a wing and a prayer. Damn it! (SNORING) (GASPS) (SIREN BLARING)

My pants. Caught on barbed wire. Good Lord. "Choke." An A-bomb. I'm becoming radioactive.

That's why we created Scarf-ables by Scammer and Z-Dog!

I feel like I'm gonna die, Bart. We're all gonna die, Lise. - I meant soon. - So did I.

- Bart, what are you doing ? - Uh-oh ! - Aah ! - Aah ! Why, you little-- Uh-oh ! Now I got ya ! Aah ! Aah ! Boy must die ! I love you, Dad ! Doh ! Dirty trick. Okay, I'm not gonna kill you,

Now, are these children as smart as they look? Well, let's, uh, pick one at random. Mmm, how about that one? You mean this boy here? No! No. Lisa Simpson. When was the Battle of New Orleans? january 8, 1815. Two weeks after the war ended. First-rate. What's a battle? Let's go.

I knew you'd try to find something wrong with my comet, Lisa. You've always been petty and small right from the beginning. We must alert the proper authorities. To the observatory!

Quitting time. Okay. Scrub up and head for the communal tarp. We're having kelp burgers, and we're going to watch a tape of johnny Arvik. He's the Eskimo comedian. Faster, Mom! Faster!

Flaming Moe's. I'm looking for a friend. Last name: jazz. First name: Hugh. Hold on. I'll check. Huge ass? Somebody check the men's room for a huge ass. I'm Hugh jazz. Telephone. This is Hugh jazz.

Gotta go, sweetie! But I didn't read my poem! Here's a poem. Run fast or lose your ass! (ALL SCREAMING)

You started smoking, Dad? Yes. Thomas Edison smoked several cigars a day. - Yeah, he invented stuff too. - Shut up.

Good-bye, son. Bart, I think they're finally hauling your dad away. Maybe it's for the best.

"by Major jonas Fong, A.L.B.D.A. "Only 800 will be bred. Quite possibly the world's best dog." Twelve hundred bucks! I better just get one.

Now hold these dictionaries.

Welcome to the games of the 34th Spellympiadl I'm George Plimpton, founder of The Paris Review. I also played the evil dean in BonerAcademy. You monster! Why did you expel Boogerman? He replaced my tennis racket with a rubber phallus. That was awesome.

We work hard. We play hard. Everybody dance nOw

Lisa, the mob is working on getting your saxophone back, but we've also expanded into other important areas. Literacy programs, preserving our beloved covered bridges, world domination. World domination? Oh, that might be a typo. Mental note: The girl knows too much.

Bart, what are you doing? Hey, what the-- Hmm. All right. Robots be right back. Whoo!

Uh, no. That's it over there. Yeah. That's it. just to the right of the one you're looking at.

Wow! Can I see your club? It's called a baton, son. What's it for? We club people with it.

The credits really have to go this long? Oh, shush yourself. English - US - Line 21

Well, at least I liked it. Didn't I? Oh, you don't want to know what I really think. Now, look sad and say "d'oh." D'oh.

These toothy Tarzan-munchers have a rigid hierarchy with a single alpha male ruling the pride. (ROARING) (BIG LION-LIKE YAWN) Until a younger, more aggressive lion challenges his power.

Your Great-Aunt Gladys has... passed on. Gladys. Gladys. 'Bout yay high, blue hair, big dent in her forehead? No, honey. Gladys looked more like your Aunt Patty. Oh, yeah. There she is. The funeral's in Littleneck Falls.

What the... The Blue Angels? I thought we were getting Charlie's Angels. (SOBBING) Oh, God! We're going down! I don't want to die next to Kathy Griffin!

We must relinquish the giddy glamour of show business... and return to the humble pleasures of the neighborhood shopkeeper. - Hmm. - Hmm. That's the way, uh-huh, uh-huh I like it, uh-huh, uh-huh Time traveler discount? Come on in! i like it, uh-huh, uh-huh

Gee, Homi, it's not very nice to maul Ranger Ned. - You want some of this? - Uh-uh. - Dad, wake up! Wake up! - Dad, wake up! I was having the most wonderful dream.

Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!

Oh, no. There's that angry mob again. Hey, look who's here, everybody.

Anything this bad has to be educational. Bart! Let's see if they wore underwear back then. Yeah! Do you feel any better?

An elephant ran through your front yard. Okay. Wiggum. Yeah, right, mister. Mm-hmm. An elephant just knocked over your mailbox. Okay. Wiggum. Yeah, right, buddy. Liquor store robbery, officer down. Sure.

That sinks it. I'm really going to let them have it this time.

But Homer Simpson will find the real thing... both delicious and deadly. Ah, yes! Death by chocolate. Oh. And poison. I'll stick in some poison.

Wow, my concert-going jacket still fits. And this is where I used to hide my beer. Billy Beer!

No. You must not blame yourself, Reverend.

those mission bells told me

Marge, turn down the heat.

Stop endangering yourself. Stop endangering yourself.

Give me the weight loss tape. We're out of "Subliminally Slim." Uh... send them the vocabulary builder. Here you go, fatso. So long, stomach. We've had a lot of great memories.

Go ahead. Drool all you want.

Ooh! I smell barbecue! Hey, look! Oh, they're out of hot dogs! And the coleslaw has pineapple in it!

Anyway, I want him to go to that animal refuge. Forget it! That elephant cost me thousands of dollars. Dad, how would you like to be sold to an ivory dealer? I'd like it fine. Even if he killed you... and made your teeth into piano keys?

"Maybe it's the beer talking "but you've got a butt that won't quit. They got these big, chewy here..." "...Five dollars?! Get outta here." Wow, a side of Dad I've never seen!

Hey! Get off my sugar! Bad bees. Bad! Ow! Ow! They're defending themselves somehow.

MAN: (OVER INTERCOM) Now departing, No-Frills Airlines Flight 89. (PEOPLE SCREAMING)

Let me try one. Mmm. Mmm. Hey, the trail of donuts ended.

You want me to help you with your alcoholism? No, I'm in a good place with that. Why don't you just take these pamphlets? Yeah, I'll definitely read those later. Now, listen, if you could just see your way clear to... (WHISPERS INDISTINCTLY) Very well.

Doughnuts? I told you I don't like ethnic food. Here. Tell me how my stocks did yesterday. Uh, they all won. Hmm? What about my options? Well, you can either get up or go back to sleep. I believe I'll get up. Scrub harder.

"Truant! Truant! Truant!" they'll all say!

Wow! Chocolate. Half price.

The pointy kitty took it!

Priceless coins not used in vending machine. Yes, not bad! Uh! Mr. burns! Pirates got your yacht! What? Well, I suppose some mishaps are unavoidable. Furious George!

Dear Santa, if you bring me lots of good stuff, I promise not to do anything bad... between now and when I wake up, amen. Ow! I'll kill you.

Hey, it's morning, and Mom and Dad aren't home yet. Don't worry. Mr. Hutz is still here to take care of us. Don't touch my stuff! Hey. This isn't the Y.M.C.A. Dispatch, this is Chief Wiggum back in pursuit of the rebelling women.

Oh, I'm sorry. I can't divulge information about that customer's secret, illegal account.

Get your feet off the upholstery!

Gentlemen, there's only one solution. We place this last doughnut in the reactor core... exposing it to radiation, thereby making it big!

Here to perform the national anthem are today's honorary batboys, the Cavalry Kids, led by Milhouse Van Houten. After this prank, everyone's gonna hate those Cavalry clods as much as we do. Oh, say can you see

Very well. I'll continue to wait.

Welcome. I am honored to accept your waste. They're years ahead of us.

This scene is gettin' old, man. I'm hittin' the road. Maybe I'll drop you a line someday from wherever I wind up in this crazy old world. Kids, your father and I are going through a really tough time right now,

Bart, don't you ever do that again. Understand?

Ethnic Mismatch Comedy #644! I've never heard so many Viagra jokes in 30 seconds. Shut up-a your mouth!

Enough of your borax, Poindexter! A man's life is at stake! We need action! Take that, you lousy dimension!

"This year, give her English muffins." Whatever you say, Mr. Billboard!

So long, "The Simpsons"! D'oh! Step two: snorkel the animals. It wasn't easy, but I got all the grizzlies. Great. I'll do the pony while you do the lions.

It doesnt matter what someone’s sexual preferences are- unless they're a celebrity, in which case it's dish, dish, dish.

End of Chapter 1. Yeah, when it happens in a book, it's romantic. But when Willie tries to kiss ya, you're all pepper spray and fingernails. (CLEARS THROAT) Marge Simpson, long-time reader,

Whoa! Yo! Ouch! i call brutality on you. You have the right to remain--

Oh, man, Homer wussed out. I'm so disillusioned.

English - US - Line 21

Yeah ! Doh ! If one were to look up "courage" in the Oxford English Dictionary,

Bart, you've got to go on. Slag off. You've changed, man. It used to be about the music. I said slag off! Cool!

l chuck 'em at nerds, girls I like- whatever. Ow! Munch mud, Simpson! - I'm telling. - "Munch mud." Oh, man. And in a flash, Bats glory has gone the way of England's masculinity.

Maggie, cut that racket!

Princess Kashmir ? You must mean April Flower. She's working over at the Girlesque.

Oh, Homer... this is the most beautiful moment of my life. So, will you marry me? Yes! Whoo-hoo! Whoo-hoo! Yeah, she's going to marry me! In your face, everybody! Whoo-hoo!

Whoop! I can see everything, and they're none the wiser.

I'll start with a couple of pizzas, then a complimentary tango lesson. And I'll cap it off with a smooth, refreshing colonic. Um, Dad? do you like piÑA colonics and getting caUght in the rain

What color tie am I wearing?

Oh, my. Where are we supposed to get a sitter on such short notice ? Oh, dear. If we can't find a baby-sitter, we can't go. What a kick in the teeth. What do you need a baby-sitter for ? I'm almost ten and a half. Mom, you wouldn't dare. Don't take that tone with me, young lady, or I'll give you a taste of the back of me hand. No, you don't. Grampa ? Hey ! Ah ! Who ? What ?

This is the most thoughtful thing anybody ever-- Sweet merciful crap! My car!

Poor Wiggum. Poor Wiggum. I'll bet you really hate Rex Banner, huh? Um, who? The guy who took your job. Oh, yeah. More than anything in the world! Hey, how would you like to show him up... by beating him at his own game?

Shut up ! Shut up ! Shut up ! D-oh ! D-oh ! D-oh ! - There. Finished. - You are ?

increased commerce to all local merchants. What's in it for us? Yeah, give us something we like, or we'll ride you out of town on a rail! Well, what do you, uh, people like? Sleep!

Yeah, she's the best. Ooh, can you imagine-- her face on her body?

There's nothin' to it. Give me those heels. Heel, toe, heel, toe, heel, toe. Hmm. Do you really think I can win? Hey, I'm starting to think I can win. But those other girls are prettier than me. Lise, as your brother, this is the hardest thing I've every had to say.

l was kind of hoping we could use this audio cassette. Seymour, weve got to have a band. Fine. But no cake. Sarah, you’re as lovely as the day I first arrested you. Oh, Clancy. You know, I planted that crystal meth just to meet you. l was so shy.

And I'd like to thank Lester for reuniting me with my estranged wife. I never even heard about that. I don't understand it. We're always the ones who solve these problems. I guess you don't need it now, but... we had a plan too.

It's Krusty the Clown!

Now, Son. You don't wanna drink beer. That's for daddies and kids with fake I.D.'s. Besides, it's such a beautiful night. How about a ghost story? And that is how much college will cost for Maggie. No! No! No!

Sorry, Marge. I'm afraid this gets my lowest rating ever-- seven thumbs up. You always liked my pork chops. Marge, I'm sorry, but your cooking's only got two moves-- shake and bake.

Some people might call that a pretty corny dream, uh, Sergeant. Well, there's nothing corny about fresh-faced youngsters skipping to school, scraping knees and spelling bees... and pies cooling softly on the windowsill. Well, sir, if that's corny, then corn me up.

What's a jib? Promote that man.

I just tripled my productivity. Good. Good for you. "Y." "Y." So many letters to choose from. I'll pick "Y." "Y." "Y." What the heck are you doin' over there? There! You found the floor.

Ding-dong. Whoa! It's the door! Dr. Winslow. Why, who are you? I am an angel from the future.

I'm Kent Brockman. At 3:00 p.m. Friday, local autocrat C. Montgomery Burns... was shot, following a tense confrontation at town hall.

It's hauntingly beautiful, isn't it?

Hey, kid, that's for customers only. Uh, did you know there's a guy outside handing out free Stri-Dex pads? Wow! I'm in pizza-face paradise! Moron.

Simpsons Christmas boogie We're dancing to the beat We'll make you move your feet

I'm so hungry I could eat at Arby's. Oh, my gosh! Oh, wow! She really is hungry. She's really hungry.

Long-time customer, first-time complainer. Hey, Marge, I'm not up on the current slang, but do the kids still say "Get the hell out of my office"? And I want you to stop putting so much sugar in everything. Or at least warn people that it's so unhealthy. Mmm. That'll boost sales. While we're at it, why don't I just change my name back to Hitler?

Aaah! Oh, Ned, I'm so sorry. Oh, no problem, Marge. Oh!

I didn't do it. I didn't do it. Hey, proper.

Ex-Ex-Excuse me, sir. I think you've got my TV. Sir? Somebody's gotta stop them!

Sorry about the Falklands.

A pretty girl can't look my way without-- Don't. Don't ! Don't. No. Get out. Get out of here. Get your hands off.

Now, Homer, this is a new body fat analysis test. I start you jiggling and measure how long it takes to stop. Whoo-hoo! Look at that blubber fly! Yes. Nurse, cancel my 1:00.

This gang's for rebels, Flanders, not "conformos."

You call hamburgers steamed hams? Yes. It's a regional dialect. Uh-huh. Uh, what region? Uh, upstate New York.

Maybe he can. Weird Al Yankovic? Homer, Marge wrote me about what happened. As soon as her check cleared, l was on the first reasonably priced flight here. Did you ever get the parody songs I sent you? Yes. Which one was better? Living La Pizza Loca or Another One Bites the Crust'? They were pretty much the same, Homer. Yeah, like you and Allan Sherman.

Childless Couples and Teens and Gays. PPASSCCATAG is also a disease of the brainstem. That's how I'll remember it. (LAUGHS) To overturn these horrible anti-family laws, we've prepared the Families Come First initiative. Now, the first thing we're gonna need is money.

Sure! What's a big sister for? Oh! I shouldn't have said that!

It blocks out all the external distractions that bombard our souls. Can you pee in it? I'll take two hours. Me too. You're about to take a journey into the mind. You may see and experience things that are strange and frightening. But remember, they can't physically harm you,

Huh! I hear that. I got some big shot barreling down on me. Hey! Who are you talkin' to, your boyfriend? Hey, jackass! Your voice sounds familiar! I don't hear an alarm. Let's take stuff.

Say, who's up for a little cram session ? I'll go first. What was the name of the pilgrims' boat ? The Spirit of st. Louis. And where did they land ? Sunny Acapulco. - And why did they leave England ? - Giant rats. Cool. History's coming alive.

Your son was trespassing on my property... and destroyed a very valuable stone gargoyle and-- Are you wearing a grocery bag? I have misplaced my pants.

You know, we've had a lot of fun tonight at the expense of the U.S. Navy. But they're out there every day protecting us from Godzilla. And don't forget pirates. And jellyfish.

Suppertime. Oh, no, you don't. Oh, yes, I do. Oh, yeah? Eat my dust!

And as for you, I don't know you, but I'm sure you're a jerk! Hey, I've only been here a few minutes. What's going on? You ugly, hate-filled man! Hey-- Hey, I may be ugly and hate-filled, but I've, um-- What was the third thing you said?

Connie. Wha-- Connie. That tree! It seems to be calling to me. Of course! Apples! No, Connie, over here!

Stop fighting like a girl, Simpson!

It's too late, Bart. My mom's already transferred her 401K. No!

And over here is our crowning achievement in amusement technology: an electronic version of what you call table tennis. Primitive paddles have been replaced by an electronic-- Hey, that's just Pong. Get with the times, man. Marge and I played that game before we were married.

I found... a penny! Could this be the best day of my life? Looks like we have a new champion.

Hmm. There's something blocking it. Hey, come on. Get out there-- Come on, Homer! We're going to Sears to feel the bras! What the heck is that thing?

Ooh, look! It's Maggie! Uh, Maggie? Sideshow Bob! Hello, Springfield.

Let's have less conversation and more sanitation.

For the past 15 years, I was president of Euro-Krustyland, until it blew up.

Okay, the material was a little corny. But Homer and I had real chemistry on screen. Every day I thought about firing Marge. You know, just to shake things up. Homer didn't fire Marge, but he did shake things up-- show business things. D'oh!

- Ow! - Oh, the devil has given him superhuman strength. Give me that, you noodle-armed choir boy! Ow! Well, that didn't do it, Mr. Kilt. Look. Let's the three of us try it together.

You are all very good players. We are all very good players. You will beat Shelbyville. We will beat Shelbyville. You will give 110%. That's impossible. No one can give more than 100%.

Bart, is it a walking clock? What? No, it's my dog. Oh, he is a gem! Here, boy. Would you like these cookies Martin made for me? My raisin roundies!

In a moment, we will show you a picture of the real Baby-sitter Bandit, Miss Lucille Botzcowski. Remember, she may be using a clever alias... Botz ! and should be considered armed and dangerous !

A giant, house crushing, a meteor-- Townspeople. Got any more tall tales? Well, I suppose I could spin ya a few more yarns. But first, who wants to give me a sponge bath? I'm filthy. All right. But your next story... better be worth it.

The A.M.A. tries to drive you guys out of business. Now you're doing the same to me! Think about the irony. You've been warned. Stop chiropracting! Not unless you think about the irony!

Boring! Come on, you schnorrers! Do something!

Mr. Simpson, this is the most blatant case of fraudulent advertising... since my suit against the film The Neverending Story. So, do you think I have a case? Homer, I don't use the word "hero" very often. But you are the greatest hero in American history. Whoo-hoo!

Where are you from? Earth. Anyway, have you ever wondered what it feels like to touch a star? Cool! Or which of the Three Stooges had the heaviest brain?

Hmm, he's a worthy foe. Look at him, Smithers. Exercising away while the others are off at the candy machine. Hey, Lenny, can you get this Sugar Daddy off my back? Okay, but it's the last time. Mmm!

They're after the tomacco! Now you can't tell me nicotine's not addictive! Lisa, there's absolutely no evidence-- Tomacco!

Yea! And then I created the voice of Yellow-bellied Yak. All I need is some courage. Courage, I tell ya. Excuse me, but isn't that voice very similar to the Cowardly Lion? Also, sir, your Loudmouth Leopard is a rip-off of Jackie Gleason.

Can't complain. Well, then, you're ready for your makeup test.

julius! Clancy! Skinner! Seymour! Mother. - Patty? - Cletus! Oh, uh, Barney.

Come on, Angry Dad. Get angry! Don't make me do a clip show! Hello there, Flan-diddly-danders. Hey, Homer. I've been singing your praises all day. Marge said we could have choir practice in your house tonight.

Marge? Sorry. Marge? Oh. Sorry. Marge? Vote Quimby. - Sorry. - Down here, Homer! Oh, Marge, there's so many things I wanna yell to you! Come down here! Okay!

Well, that-- Uh, well, wait. Uh, do I read from the sheet labeled "jokes" or "answers"? Oh, for the Lo-- Stop tape! Make me center square, Kent. I'm ready. I can handle it. Dream on, drunkie. Oh, that's it! You're goin' down!

You are watching Fox. We are watching Fox.

There sure are a lot of ugly people in your neighborhood. Ooh! Look at that one! Oh, my glaucoma just got worse.

I ate too much plastic candy. Heavens to betsy. The star of the show is sick. Whatever will we do? There's only one person who can get us out of this pickle. Lisa? Yes? Help me into Ralph's costume. Showtime, children. Let's go.

Let me have them. Bart, that's not funny! There are some who say the monster... is still... here! Friend. Friend!

What are you looking at me like that for ? You believed his cock-and-bull story.

Look, you can either accept science and face reality, or you can believe in angels and live in a childish dreamworld. Science-- What's science ever done for us? TV off. Science is like a blabbermouth...

Homer, you're a bad man. And your seed should be wiped from the earth. No offense, children.

Only management-type guys with big salaries like me can afford things like that. Guys like me! I'm a guy like me! All right, team, it's the fourth quarter. The Lord gave us the atoms, and it's up to us to make 'em dance. Hey, if Tom Landry's hat doesn't motivate you, then I should just quit right now.

Oh, you must be mad. Well, I will be when the morphine wears off, but until then-- Gee, I feel bad. If people knew the real Monty Burns... and not the silver-dollar-throwing, morphine addict you've become, they might like you.

Ow! He bit me with my own teeth!

But now I see it is more of a Fruitopia.

I can't get any closer. You'll have to jump! Piece of cake, son. Crap! Crap! Crap! Crap! Crap! Crap! Crap! Crap! Crap! Crap!

Me too. Now, let's get going. I got a date with Eudora Welty. Coming, Eudora!

I guess this is the end, Wendell. He's Wendell. I'm Lewis. Whatever. just tell Wendell I said bye.

So, I'm trying to talk with Miss November and Charlie Callas over here is blocking my action with... (INDISTINCT) Turns out he's choking on a peanut. Well, punch to the gut cleared that right up. (KIDS LAUGHING) Hey, Bart. Me and Mrs. Krabappel, we're gonna go play some backgammon, if you know what I mean.

Chapter six. "Four Days in Philadelphia." "The First Continental Congress faced a difficult job. Could the delegates agree on recommendations that all Americans could support ?" We hold these truths to be self-evident...

My mom thinks they're good! Y'all ready for this? (UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING) Hey! Hey, hey! Krusty Show T-shirts are made for kids by kids! And we pass the "slavings" on to you! (CHUCKLING)

Brilliant. I have absolutely no idea what's going on. Homer, I want you to look at this drawing Bart did. Oh, it's beautiful!

Hammocks? My goodness, what an idea. Why didn't I think of that? Hammocks! Homer, there's four places. There's the Hammock Hut. That's on Third. Uh-huh. There's Hammocks-R-Us. That's on Third too. - You got Put-Your-Butt-There. - Mm-hmm. - That's on Third. Swing Low, Sweet Chariot. - Right. Matter of fact, they're all in the same complex. It's the hammock complex on Third.

At least this time I'm awake for your good-bye.

Oh, my lord! Stupid babies need the most attention.

I can feel an evil presence in this house. Evil ? Quiet, Lisa. You're scaring your mother. Children, get your coats. We're leaving this house right now. Now, wait a minute, Marge. It's only natural... there'd be some things wrong with an old house like this.

My homework is in your park. Let's do it! Yoink!

You've got a date with the Xerox machine. Stupid lumber. Damn it! D'Oh! I..! Oh, the hell with this! A fellow came in asking for change for a dollar. I gave him three quarters by mistake. Took me the whole afternoon to find him.

Stranger, you're a-trespassin' on my dirt farm. Uh, do you happen to need a messiah? No, but I'll take them sacks of money from ya.

That Valentine sure was funny.

You've reached the party line. You'll be connected to a hot party with the world's most beautiful women. Now let's join the party. Hello? Hello? Hello? Are there any women here? Hello?! Are you beautiful?

Bart, what other paradoxes affect our lives ? Well... you're damned if you do, and you're damned if you don't. Well, I guess that would be a paradox too. Thank you, Bart. Whew !

Chicken. Quit it, Bart. Quit it! Quit it! Quit it! Bart, be quiet! Lisa, drink the water!

Did anyone see that new Woodsy Allen movie? You know, I like his films, except for that nervous fella's always in 'em. If you want to talk nervous, you should have seen Kirk deal with the high school boys... who egged our Bonneville. Ha! Should have asked them to hurl some bacon. Then maybe I could have had a decent breakfast for once.

Sizzle! Wait a minute. If a second old geezer got shot, how come nobody reported it? Uh, hi. Um, could we take a look at your leg?

I see. What do you say to the accusation... that your group has been causing more crimes than it's been preventing? Oh, Kent, I'd be lying if I said my men weren't committing crimes. Hmm, touchÉ.

Chief, my daughter's up there. You're a father, too! Yeah. But I'm a cop first, then a boat enthusiast, amateur historian, yo-yo dieter, then I'm a cop again... LISA: Help! Help! So much sulfur dioxide! I'm coming, sweetheart!

Mmm! Unprocessed fish sticks.

Ah, music and art. What in blazes? Good Lord! That's a 900 number. Let's see what's in the newspaper today. Hmm. Canada stalls on trade pact.

Oh, dear. It would be a shame if that pretty dress got wet. I'd say the greater danger is her scepter acting as a lightning rod. Unless it's made out of plastic. Nope. Metal. Ladies and gentlemen, Little Miss Springfield has been struck by lightning.

Look! They're making a movie! Robert Downey jr. is shooting it out with the police. I don't see any cameras. Okay. While Mel and I are working,

Surprise! Surprise. Marge, will you marry me? Why? Am I pregnant?

I don't understand. Pigs need food. Engines need coolant. Dynamiters need dynamite. I'm supplying it to them at a tidy profit. And not a single sea creature was wasted. You inspired it all, Li'l Lisa. Oh! YOu--

What the hell is that? It looks like a sturgeon. But where did it come from?

It's "craptacular."

Uh, excuse me. No banging your head on the display case, please. It contains a very rare Mary Worth... in which she has advised a friend to commit suicide, thank you.

Hey, Looney Tunes, this is what Michael jackson looks like.

You guys are jammin'l

Granny, I'm gonna shoot me some Vietcong. Yeah? Well, I ain't cooking 'em. (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) And George Jefferson, wherever you are,

with thousands of people staring at our naked bodies. All those eyes... just leering and leering at us. Who's in the mood for miniature golf? Ooh, I am!

Bed goes up-- Kids,

We're here. Get in. Uh, m-my shirt fell off. Mr. Simpson, please cover your ears while I say the secret access word.

He took Bart too? That wasn't part of our deal, Blackheart! That wasn't part!

Mom, will you make me breakfast?

Wait, wait, wait. Back up a bit now. When are the pancakes coming in the mail? Well, maybe it's all for the best. What do you need to make money for anyway? As long as I have my earning power, this family's got nothing to worry about. Ow!

J She likes to party She likes to rockJ - JJ - Yeah! But there's lots of other fun instruments, like bass. I hope you wont judge the entire Brian Setzer Orchestra by my actions. Rock and roll is supposed to be about peace and love. - Who said that? - Will you stop saying that?

(GRUNTS) Kids! Why's the cat so fat? Dad, Snowball's not fat. She's just got winter fur. (GRUNTS) Okay, she's fat. (CHOKES) Can't breathe... Someone dangle some string.

Help! Help! Somebody, help! Current... too strong. I know. If I sink to the bottom, I can run to the shore.

What were you thinking, sending Bart to such an awful place? I was trying to punish him exactly like you would. So, in a way, you really dropped the ball on this one. This is your mess, and I'll be damned if I'm gonna clean it up.

Are you okay? I don't smell dinner. "Dear Homer." Ahh. "Sorry you didn't want to join me tonight. I left you hot dogs for dinner. They're thawing in the sink."

Mmm! Mmm! Sprin-kles.

I'd do anything for you, honey. Especially if it's easy. Well, I think you're the sweetest dad in the whole world. I'll always be there. Not even death will stop me. Now, you're getting creepy. How about, I love you, honey? Good.

I have come to return King Arthur to the throne. It's a history lesson come to life! No, it isn't. It's totally inaccurate. Quiet! Here come the ninjas. What part of "stop cutting my dress off" don't you understand?

"Congratulations on your purchase of a Fissionator 1952 slow fission reactor--" D'oh! Get to the point. Ooh, what's this? D'oh! Who'd have thought a nuclear reactor would be so complicated?

Keep away! Hey, come on! Those are prescription shoes! I need them! You have cooties! You have cooties! No, I don't! Lisa Simpson, report to the principal's office...

Did it again. Hmm. Where the hell is that soothing music coming from? Homer, what's going on?

This year's tree is just perfect. That old aluminium one was so fake. I couldn't agree more. From now on, it's plastic all the way. Bart, did you hear that? Could it be?

Uh, excuse me. No banging your head on the display case, please. It contains a very rare Mary Worth... in which she has advised a friend to commit suicide, thank you.

Maybe it's the TV. Stupid TV. Be more funny!

So what's Stephen Hawking doing here? (ON VOICE SYNTHESIZER) I live here now. You're looking at the new owner of the Little Caesars down the street. Pizza, pizza. Pizza, pizza. Pizza, pizza. Pizza, pizza. Sorry, that button sticks.

Oh, please, continue. I thought maybe you-- Oh. Well, thanks for your time. What makes a man endanger his job and even his life by asking me for money? People like dogs, Mr. Burns. Dogs are idiots.

Okay! We'll play "Magic Bus" if you tear down this wall!

It's "craptacular." Hocus-pocus.

It's no use. I guess I'll have to leave all my money to the Egg Advisory Council. Eggs have gotten quite a bad rap lately, you know, Smithers. Oh, look. A bird has become petrified and lost its sense of direction.

People of Springfield, behold my latest work! Homer, what have you done? It's conceptual art-- The Grand Canals of Springfield. just like Venice, without the black plague.

Why must you fight with every utility?

I'm just here for a beer. Uh-- I don't know if I want you in here no more, Homer. I got a lot of secrets I'd prefer to keep clandestine. Uh-- Terrible, disturbing secrets. So hungry. I smell another Pulitzer.

I've got nothing but time until they fix that malfunctioning Squishy machine.

The point is, the real Simpson family missed you a lot, and we're really glad you're home. I love you guys. Right back at ya, Son. And now I want you to meet your new brother, Hans Moleman. Cowabunga, dudes.

Hot diggity damn! That's good enough for me!

We can't do it, man! That's discipline. That's like telling Gene Krupa not to go--

I take a whiskey drink I take a chocolate drink And when I have to pee I use the kitchen sink I sing the song that reminds me I'm a urinating guy - I'll see you tomorrow! See ya!

I used to be "with it." But then they changed what "it" was. Now what I'm with isn't "it," and what's "it" seems weird and scary to me.

Hey, Homer, way to get Marge pregnant.

(SHOUTING GIBBERISH) Look, you don't want to get involved with a girl like me. My cats have a nasty habit of waking up dead. Now go. Cough me out of your life like a bad fur ball.

Must you be forever dialing that phone?

The perfect escape. Hmm. Oh!

Uh, Marge-- you still got that deposit check? Oh! Oh, WOW. Lucky thing we landed on this bubble wrap. Hey, quit hoggin'. Oh, I'm badly hurt.

Only in New York. Mom, are those rabbits dead? No. No, Lisa. They're just sleeping... upside down and inside out. Bart, no fireworks! Put that back! You're the boss.

Baby. Your husband suffers from a persecution complex extreme paranoia and bladder hostility. If you talk to him without mentioning Bart you'd see how sane he is. You mean there really is a Bart? Good Lord!

No. (GASPS) (PANTING) You're in big trouble, mister! I'm bleeding! Huh, there's no cut on your cheek. Where'd the blood come from? Hey, I got a loose tooth! Ew!

It was fun. We'll let you know if your glasses turn up. Uh, yes. Well, I'm sure I left them in the car. No one must know I dropped them in the toilet. Not I, the man who drafted the Paris Peace Accords. - Mm-hmm. Mmm. - Mm. Huh.

I hope you enjoy it. Oh, stop fishing for compliments, Smithers. Go home to your can of mushroom soup. Sir, a kind word now and then-- I'm choking it down. Isn't that thanks enough? Sometimes I don't know why I bother.

They're just words, Neddie. Words can't hurt you. Ow! That's it! Dad, that was really mean. I know, sweetie. And I got him right in the-- Uh-oh!

Nearer to thee Oh, perfume ! Whoa ! Hmm. Thank you, Bart. You're welcome, Mom. 34 years old. Time enough to start over with a new man.

See you in hell, candy boys!

Mmm! Homer, I have to go out to pick up something for dinner. Steak? Money's too tight for steak. Steak? Mm, sure. Steak.

Sixty watts? What do you think this is, a tanning salon? I asked for light starch on my nightcap! You call this Postum? You call this a tax return? You call this a supercomputer?

Huh? Mom? Well, it is. I've known your father since high school, and this is the cleverest thing he's ever done. Besides, he's only breaking a silly, 200-year-old law. It is silly, Marge. And look at all the money I'm making! Whoo! Mom! Prohibition may be unpopular, but it's the law, and we still have-- Go to your room, Lisa!

Not anymore! You punks are about to get a taste of your own medicine. This is my brother, and he knows karate. Uh-oh. Oh, we're real scared. Please don't hurt us, Bart. What are you going to do? Throw your diapers at us?

They're somewhere fun. We're not enough fun for them? Well, I know how to find out where they are. HOTEL OPERATOR: Swelldorado Hotel Miami Beach, sun and water without your son and daughter. How may I direct your call? (SLAMS RECEIVER DOWN) I can't go to Miami! I'm expecting calls from telemarketers!

I just installed a chip that makes it 10% more bloodthirsty. All right! And if anything happens to me, I want you bullies to take care of my boy. Don't worry. I'll raise him like the mean streets raised me. I wish I had bullies like you growing up.

Get off the road, you freakin' maniac! Yeah, you jackass! Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Everything is beautiful in its own way

- I only consider you scum compared to Krusty. - Well, right. I can see that. I'll have the cannoli. You see how you scum.

You didn't sit on the toilet. I didn't have to. I'm a dude. (GRUNTS) Butt on bowl, little man! (BOTH STRUGGLING) Hey, my pants aren't down! It doesn't matter! Ee-yow! (LAUGHING) Why you little... (CHOKING) Joke's on me, is it?

Aah! It's the Rapture! Quick! Get Bart out of the house before God comes!

They are our mothers. And you know something, folks ? As ridiculous as this sounds, I would rather feel the sweet breath of my beautiful wife... on the back of my neck as I sleep... than to stuff dollar bills into some stranger's G-string.

Bart Simpson! You've really done it this time.

Are you there, God? It's me, Bart Simpson. I know I never pay too much attention in church, but I could really use some of that good stuff now.

It's so beautiful. And just think, we are the first people to hear its song... in more than 4,000 years. Thanks for making me take such a stupid risk, Dad. Anytime, honey. just remember: Never be afraid to live life on the edge.

I'm Larry H. Lawyer, Jr., and I will fight for you. I also habia espanoi So that's your answer. I'll sue the church. Homer, we cant sue the church. They'll poke fun at us in the church bulletin. It wouldnt be the first time. I couldnt help it. Those pews are so comfortable.

What the heck? Where do you pour the syrup?

But the kid's still got time on his sentence, Chief. Look, if you all want to squeeze into the backseat, fine. With my box kite. Oh, forget it.

What's the sound of one hand clapping ?

No, children, you're not seeing things. This, my little friends, is a schwa.

(SWING SQUEAKING) Oh, he'll be fine.

Who's up for some exploring? Hey, I'm still checking out japanese TV. Isn't this that cartoon that causes seizures? Bart, what are you doing? Hey, what the--

Hmm. We didn't have a message when we left. How very odd.

Har-dee-har-har. Get it ?

Wait. Wait, let me get this down. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Meat Packers' Union Hall. Batavia, New York. I'll send them right out! Homer! Homie, wake up! Wake up. I'm back in business! I had a feeling things would work out for you, honey.

They're not for bowling, Marge. You're so naive. They are for lovemaking. Really ? Yes. Oh ! - Champagne ? - Please.

Mm-hmm. Yeah. Hmm. It's hopeless, ain't it? No, no, no, I love a challenge. First, we must install buttocks.

You know, Sideshow Bob, I believe you when you say you're innocent. Indeed, I am. Because we all know you're a naive pawn-- puppet if you will-- of the most diabolical political genius... Springfield has ever known-- Birchibald T. Barlow!

Now beat it! I'm calling the shots. I think that sash is cutting off the air to your brain. The town charter says that in an emergency, I run the show. Well, we'll just see about that. Let's go to town hall. Fine! Should we take one car, or should I follow you? Hey, according to the charter,

You started off as the bad cop. And now you're the good one. You and Willie got mixed-up about 10 minutes ago. We did not! Now, where's Bart? You better tell me! Oh! You better tell him, lassie. I cannot control him when he gets like this. Now you're the good cop. What?

Whoo-hoo! Whoa!

Marge, is that you? Marge Bouvier from high school? Um, yeah. Hi. Hi, Evelyn. How about that? Marge, you look wonderful! And to think I heard you married Homer Simpson. I did marry Homer. Come. You must show me the pumps.

While we scramble to find new programming, please enjoy this encore presentation of Princess Di's funeral. I was really starting to enjoy... Ethnic Mismatch Comedy #644! I've never heard so many Viagra jokes in 30 seconds. Shut up-a your mouth!

Ow, my foot, you lousy, stupid, clumsy--

Look at them, Smithers, enjoying their embezzlement. I have a much uglier word for it, sir: misappropriation. Simpson! Listen here. I want to join your team. You wanna join my what? You wanna what his team? I've had one of my unpredictable changes of heart.

Wow! A '50s nostalgia cafÉ. If you won't dance with the doc He'll give you electric shocks Zap, zap, zap Well, well, well. I have never seen such reckless disregard... for a wife's well-being in my life. You just won yourselves a motorcycle! Whoo-hoo! Whoo-Whoo!

You're it. - Now you are the one who is it. - Understood. Well, I've gotta hand it to you, Seymour. These drab student coverings... have created the perfect distraction-free environment,

No! You got the black one. Hey, everybody, I'm Peter Pants-less! I can't take this much longer.

Two Krusty shakes, a doughnut burger with cheese... and a party-size bucket of flan. Yes, I will have fries with that.

Three minutes to meltdown. Whew! Saved by the bell. 15 seconds to core meltdown. just do what you did before. All right.

What are you lookin' at? "What are you looking at?" The innocent words of a drunken child. Well, I'll tell you what we're looking at, young man. A town gone mad! A town whose very conscience was washed away in a tide of beer and green vomit.

They've been going up the whole month of October. And I got a feeling they're gonna peak right around january. And bang! That's when I'll cash in. To Homer! And to Sergeant Pepper, who's growing out of the middle of your back! Uh, Barn, you gotta unwrap the plastic before you smoke these.

You're here, aren't you?

Yeah! Kill him! Make him pay! - Get in. Hurry! - Mob, stranger. Mob, stranger. Stranger!

We now return to DÓnde EstÁ justice. El Ford Escort que me vendiÓ es un limon. No, no, no, no. No es un limÓn. Es un carro fuerte. Hmm. LimÓn. Fuerte. LimÓn. Fuerte. Limon-- ¡Ay, Ay, Ay, Ay, Ay! ¡Mi estÓmago!

Mrs. Simpson, when you took off, you left a hole in Homer's heart that he's been trying to fill with alcohol for 20 years. God bless ya.

couldn't concentrate with that infernal racket. Lisa ! Lisa. Lisa, what did I tell you about playing that sax-a-ma-thing in the house ? I was just playing the blues, Dad.

Activate cloaking device!

I have a bomb! Hey, wait a minute! Those are hot dogs! Armour Hot Dogs! What kind of man wears Armour Hot Dogs?

Well, let's look at the contract ourselves, eh? Benefits, perks, a green cookie on St. Patrick's Day? Oh-ho, it didn't use to be this way, Smithers. No, it didn't use to be this way at all.

Ugh. I just lost my appetite. Me too. Wait. Mine came back.

Wait! You want an alien? This is your alien! Hello, children. I bring you love. It's a monster! Kill it! Kill it!

Who will help me? You, sir?

Memo to Goldie Hawn: cheerleading tryouts were 30 years ago. Let's grow up, shall we? He's such a bitch.

Hey, stop talking bad about my town, man! Why don't you make me? I don't make trash. I burn it. Then I guess you're a garbageman. Well, I know you are, but what am I? A garbageman. Oh, I know you are, but what am I? A garbageman. I know you are, but what am I? A garbageman. Takes one to know one.

You know, a town with money's a little like the mule with a spinning wheel. No one knows how he got it, and danged if he knows how to use it.

No, no, no! No, ask your heart what its fondest desire is. Hmm. Mmm. Chocolate. Mmm. Invisible cola. Mmm. Forbidden doughnut.

Mmm. Excellent, Zutroy. Work hard and each day you'll get a shiny penny. Agent Wesson, Department of Labor. This man's an illegal alien. That's preposterous. Zutroy here is as American as apple pie.

My hands are shaking. Better than your eyes bursting.

Oh, no. There's that angry mob again.

You're doing it wrong! You gotta pet him hard so he can feel it. Look, look, look! The doggy sneezed! Ha! It thinks it's people. Oh, smoochie. Here, poochie, poochie, poochie!

I do not deserve this! I've come here legally as an exchange student. Young man, the only thing we exchange for you is our national dignity. You want to pick on immigrants, then pick on Willie! Willie, please! The children want to pick on someone their own size.

Ah, my lucky red hat. Clean as a whistle. You did this to me! I... apologize. No one will notice if you wear a pink shirt to work.

And I've learned a great deal from this COW'S heart I got at the butcher shop. Insert the retractor... and crank it until the ribs swing open like a rusty drawbridge. Ah! No! Blood! Ugh!

You think so? Well, yeah, Dad. You're a big, fat loudmouth, - and you can walk when you have to. - Aw. Well, if you kids believe in me that much, I'll give it my best shot.

Would you please leave without a fuss right now?

Drinking has ruined my life. I'm 31 years old. My name is Homer, and I'm just here because the court made me come.

Shut up, judge! Peek-a-boo! I see you! Peek-a-boo! I see you!

Ah. Look, Scratchy! It's our new friend, Poochie! What's that name again? I forgot.

QUIMBY: You stupid hicks! Why didn't you tell me you hated classical music? We didn't have time. The concert hall was designed and built so quickly. We're broke, but I have a plan. We change the name of the town to escape our creditors.

Well, no one expects you to sell that house. But you'd better sell something. Because cubicles are for closers, Marge. Anybody who doesn't sell a house their first week gets fired. I probably should've mentioned that earlier. i thought i'd do anything to succeed in business.

Oh. I would have feigned interest. Still no visitors. It's time we opened up a can of Whup-Tushie on this situation. What's the number for Luigi's? Dad's got it on the speed dial under "fire."

I kicked one of those stupid Itchy characters in the butt.

Hey, kids, always recycle... to the extreme! Busted!

One night, Joe went to a party and fell in love with a girl named Mary. (LAUGHS) Man, I've been there. At first, Joe felt discouraged, but then he remembered what his father taught him. "Never say die, quitters never prosper, and no means yes." (SINGING IN SPANISH)

starring you) One da y while flying your spaceship... you saw a planet and decided to iand Greetings. iam Commander- f Ned 's Voice f Rodi. Welcome, earthling. What are your hobbies? My hobbies include-

But what will I watch while I'm sitting on the couch? Couch? No couches either? Oh, man, I need a beer. Oh, God, oh, God, oh, God, oh, God! Oh, God, oh, God, oh, God, oh, God!

A musical doorbell. So many doorbells. I'm in way over my head.

Hey, Dad, how come you've never taken us to see a soccer game? I don't know. You'll see all your favorite soccer stars, like Ariaga, Ariaga ii, Bariaga, Aruglia, and Pizzoza!

Muntz, Nelson. You're failing history, geography and math. But you're doing quite well in home ec. Hey, keep it down, man! Simpson-- Lisa.

Your burgers are getting cold, guy-- Holy moly. Huh ?

Ow, my foot, you lousy, stupid, clumsy-- Sorry, pal.

Kids, say no to drugs! Ehh, I could pull a better cartoon out of my a-- Hey! Whoa! Wasn't that great, kids? That's as bad as the tasteless "Itchy and Sambo" cartoons of the late '30s.

Look! I fed the gerbil coffee! Ah! (INDIFFERENT GRUNT) Please, make me write something on the chalkboard a thousand times! We all got tired of that chalkboard years ago. Now go home. So he went upstairs and knocked on the door

And ? I'm worried that you're making too big a deal... of this silly little kiddie golf tournament. But, Marge, this is our big chance to show up the Flandereses. I'm sure it is, but why do we want to do that ? Because sometimes the only way you can feel good about yourself... is by making someone else look bad. And I'm tired of making other people feel good about themselves.

Magic powers! Wedding after wedding after wedding. And did someone say long-lost triplets? So join America's favorite TV family... and a tiny green space alien named osmodiar that only Homer can see... on Fox this fall.

Poochie's dead!

Sir, if you'll recall I'm the one who put a five-percent ceiling on the Keogh plan-- You bean counter, give it up. Simpson's my man.

Sorry. Uh-oh. Me again. Sorry.

Dancin' away my hunger pangs Movin' my feet so my stomach won't hurt I'm kinda like Jesus But not in a sacrilegious way And now our next speaker is Mr. Warmth himself,

They taste like burning.

Mmm, delicious !

Shh! Shh! Shh! Oh, won't ya come with me And take my hand

You what? Come again, Marge? You what? I've joined the Movementarians. And so have all of you. We what?

But it explains why there's no record of jebediah before 1795. He was Hans Sprungfeld until then. That's preposterous. Now get out. You're banned from this historical society. You and your children and your children's children.

I want to see some birds get sucked into the engines, rare ones.

Uh, Mr. McClure, I have a crazy friend... who says it's wrong to eat meat. - Is he crazy? - No, just ignorant. You see, your crazy friend never heard of the food chain. just ask this scientician. Uh--

MARGE: Turn, turn, keep turning. Keep turning, keep turning, keep turning. HOMER: I see an opening! MARGE: No, it's too risky! We'll just wait till the traffic thins out! Turn, turn. Keep turning, keep turning, keep turning. (GROGGILY) Keep turning, keep turning.

You're a disgrace to this family.

- Miss Delaware. - She, uh-- Good for her. La, la, la, la, la, la, la Marge, keep it down in there! Homer, my audition is in half--

We were learning to use all 33 forks. Young lady, that is not an olive fork! Here's a simple trick to help you remember. Ow! Hmm. Mmm-hmm.

childrEn are the future

That's preposterous. Now get out. You're banned from this historical society. You and your children and your children's children.

Don't feel bad, Homer. Nine out of ten religions fail in their first year. That's game, Hendrix! God, I gotta ask you something. What's the meaning of life? Homer, I can't tell you that.

My father was a rabbi. His father was a rabbi. His father's father... Well, you get the idea. My father was the most respected man in the lower East Side of Springfield. People would come from miles around to ask his advice. Reb Krustofski, should I finish college?

Well, boys, the Party Posse is over. But at least I saved you from a public spoofing. Aw, man. We could've been on the cover of Mad. They called me "Smelson!" Ha-ha!

Oh, honey, I'm so proud of you. You got the highest grade in the class. But, Mom-- The highest grade. Okay. Lisa's gone.

I really think that was the character's name-- Don Quixote. Fine. I'll look it up. Well, who was it? Never mind. Mm-hmm.

The next morning we went out to the old quarry to have a swim. You guys really gonna dive off of here? Not me. I'm shaking like a French soldier. Yeah. I think I just logged onto my Internet. Only a moron would jump into that-- Geronimo!

Now, Son, they do a lot of quality programming too. I kill me. - Bud. - Weis. Er. - Bud. - Weis. Er. Coors.

So where to eat? You like Thai? Tie good. You like shirt?

Well, I'll tell you what we're looking at, young man. A town gone mad! A town whose very conscience was washed away in a tide of beer and green vomit. I'm going down to Moe's for a couple beers. I'll come with you. No! No more drinking. I'm tired of looking like the world's worst mother. Oh, honey, you're not the world's worst mother.

That oughta hold the little S.O.B.s.

"Absolutely devastated." The words of a heartbroken mother. For there will be no fire truck for little Bart, no sweater for little Lisa, no Cajun sausage for little Homer. So while you're home today... eating your sweet, sweet holiday turkey,

Marge, it's a real pleasure. You got any leads? I need some leads. Please, help me. That's enough, Gill.

But I stood by the courage of my convictions, and I prevailed.

- I can't imagine what you mean. - Oh, come now! You wanted to be Krusty's sidekick since you were five! What about the buffoon lessons? The four years at clown college? I'll thank you not to refer to Princeton that way. The point is you obviously still blame me for what happened at your audition.

All right, dorks, this is a holdup. Oh, yes! Download to papa. Yoink dot adios, back-slash losers.

It's hard to see what's going on. I can only make out the fat soldiers. All right, children, switch. Hey, they're trying to learn for free! Get 'em! Use your phony guns as clubs! Run, children!

Hey, Dad. How come you're wearing a tuxedo? Going to that fancy waterfront party tomorrow. Why are you wearing it now? It's like a rent-a-car, Son. You get all the mileage you can, then ball it up and cram it through the mail slot.

What are you kids lookin' at? Hey, look. He's tryin' to get up to yell at us.

Mr. Vice President! Someone finally bought a copy of your book, sir.

20th Century Fox is betting... it will.

But at night it's a different world Go out and find a girl Come on, come on and dance all night Despite the heat it'll be all right And, babe don't you know it's a pity That the days can't be like the nights In the summer, in the city Oh, crap!

I can whip up my famous poulet au vin avec champignons a la Carl. Mwah! You can bring a bag of ice.

A beautiful sight We're happy tonight Walking in a winter wonderland Gone away is the bluebird Here to stay is--

Bart, I want you to shake hands with-- What's your name, fella? Roscoe. Roscoe here runs this mill. He's gonna show us around and let you get a firsthand look... at real all-American joes doing what they do best. Why would I wanna see that? You'll thank me on your wedding night.

I can't believe it. I'm actually running a marathon! I hit the wall! This is so painful. Hey, I got my second wind! Another wall! I just-- Whoo-hoo! Third wind. - Faster, rickshaw driver! - Faster! - Ow! Sir, the whip isn't helping. Silence!

- Mmm! - Wow, Dad! You took a baptismal for me. How do you feel? Oh, Bartholomew, I feel like St. Augustine of Hippo... after his conversion by Ambrose of Milan. Wait! Homer! What did you just say? I said, shut your ugly face, Flanders!

Hey, quit hoggin'. Oh, I'm badly hurt.

Hey, Homer. You promised Mom you wouldn't wear your dress outside. Nuts to that. I'm goin' to the movies. Shouldn't you be working? I got someone to cover for me.

Barney will be Twelve Ball, and, Moe, you can be Cue Ball. You're an idiot.

Dad, I am trying to do my homework.

You've erased my past. Now I'll erase your future.

It's a scientific fact. Quadraphonic sound, a water bed, and now a strobe light. Gentlemen, say hello to the Second Base-Mobile. Wicked!

Ye-- You know, the-- One thing I should-- - Excuse me for one second. - Of course. Well, that was wonderful. A good time was had by all. I'm pooped.

But the menu said "galaxy of prawns." Three prawns are hardly a galaxy. What do you mean your hands are tied? Let me talk to Mr. Quan.

premarital, uh, doodly.

See? It's just a regular chair, but I attached a couple of extra legs to the back, kind of like the ones on the back of your-- Oh, damn it! Hey, Dad. Heard you swearin'. Mind if I join in? Crap, boobs, crap!

What happened here? Oh, nothing, Marge. just a little incident involving the bogeyman! None of this would have happened if you had been here to keep me from acting stupid! Oh, I'm sorry. I have been spending too much time at the casino. I'll be around more from now on.

This orange drink is the only way... to recoup our terrible losses from Fire Drill Follies. I just don't know what went wrong. You opened the show with a fire drill, and everyone cleared out. Mm. So Mother was right. It was my fault. Go ahead. Water it down some more.

Now back to Good Heavens. Jesus called today. He did?

So I tied an onion to my belt, which was the style at the time.

Crap! Crap! Crap! Crap! Crap! Crap! Crap! Crap! Crap! Crap!

We now return to Knightboat: The Crime-solving Boat. Faster, Knightboat. We've gotta catch those starfish poachers.

Stupid frog. We now go live to city hall... for Mayor Quimby's response. I stand by my ethnic slur!

He- Now he’s... got it! Bart, the larynx is not a plaything. Mom, I am sick ofthe way he treats mel He disrespects me, and I'm just supposed to accept it? That's right. You’re mine till you’re 18. And when you’re 17, I'm gonna know the end is near...

It's the TV movie of the year-- The Krusty the Klown Story: Booze, Drugs, Guns, Lies, Blackmail and Laughter.

Why, you little... (GRUNTS) (GAGS) To have a libido... Dad, look who's in there. (GASPS) Flanders?

Hey, what's goin' on? That guy's not Homer Simpson. He's fat and stupid. Hey, looks like they changed the character into a bumbling sidekick. No. No, he can't be! I know. Maybe he's just acting stupid to infiltrate a gang of international idiots. Yeah, th-that's gotta be it.

under penalty of catapult." Did you see this, Bernice? Eh-- Oh, my.

A... Men-nonite minister... will be giving a guest sermon next Sunday. Go in peace. A-- Don't make me come up there. men. Whoo-hoo!

Well, here's what's on tap for season nine. Magic powers!

Oh, my. I wonder which is the cereal for me. Um-- Oh, excuse me. Could you tell me where I might find the Burns O's? Sorry, pops. They don't put nobodies on cereal boxes. Hmm. Well, I suppose this one looks a bit like me.

El yoyÓ es grande. ¡Ay, chihuahua!

Oh, well, this is, um, the, uh-- the Listen Lady. Yeah, well, listen, lady. I got so many problems, i-i don't even know where to begin here. Okay. Uh, why don't you start from the top? All righty. Uh, number one, I've lost the will to live.

The moon is waxing tonight.

I have never seen the stars. Tell me more. I want to know all the constellations. Well, there's... Jerry the cowboy. And that big dipper looking thing... is Alan... the cowboy.

I'll love you for the rest of my life.

Oh, man, that's good!

Kent Brockman here for a follow-up... with Springfield's favorite hard-luck family, the Simpsons.

It's the Krusty Komedy Klassic. Hey, hey! It's great to be back at the Apollo Theater and-- "K.K.K."? That's not good.

That place had a Manson family vibe.

Choke on your lies! I'll teach you to--

Think about it. I mean, what team was Babe Ruth on? Who knows? Yankees. Sharing is a bunch of bull too. And helping others. And what's all this crap I've been hearing about tolerance? Hmm. Your ideas are intriguing to me, and I wish to subscribe to your newsletter.

Can't talk now, Flanders. I've got a class to teach. But you rang my--

That book doesn't know how I feel. Oh, it's very wise. It's written by a Rabbi, who surfs! All right. I'll look. Too fluffy, too Siamese, too needy, too stuck up. Infected eye, clearly a skunk.

Whoa! Thank you, teacher! You see this watch? ts jammed with so manyjewels, the hands cant move. What kind of watch do you have? Uh, well, I drew it on. See? Uh-huh. You see that car out there? That's a Bentley Mark XII.

(MARGE SCREAMING)

Great. And I'll have a Diet Coke deep-fried. Mmm! Mmm! Need more lap. (GULPING) OTTO: Whoa!

Hello, is this NASA? Yes. Good. Listen. I'm sick of your boring space launches. I'm just an ordinary, blue-collar slob, but I know what I likes on TV.

Big deal. My I.Q. is 280. Stephen Hawking! The world's smartest man! What are you doing here? I wanted to see your utopia. But now I see it is more of a Fruitopia.

(CONTINUES SOBBING) Wait. Do you even have a family? No, I don't! They're imaginary, like your brain! I understand. You don't understand anything! (GRUNTING) You're such a psycho!

Say it ain't so, Krusty. My client has no comment at this time. I didn't do it. Krusty the Clown, how do you plead ?

I don't deserve this kind of shabby treatment.

Hey, excuse me, Krusty. We've been watching you at Moe's all week. And your credibility is just-- Wow. Get to the point, Armani. Well, we think you'd be the perfect spokesman... for our company's new sports utility vehicle, the Canyonero. I guess you Wall Street weasels didn't get the word. Krusty's not for sale.

And finally, the little spot under your nose. Next, we take some toilet paper, tear off some teensy little squares... and stick one there and there and anyplace you're bleeding. There and there. Don't worry. The blood'll hold it right on your face.

We've all been the victims of a cruel hoax perpetrated by a ten-year-old hooligan. The time has come for finger-pointing, and most of them are squarely aimed at the boy's parents. It's not our fault.

We call it "Nature's Goodness." What's in it? 2-4 desoxypropenuramine. Sweet. Pleasing taste. Some "monsterism."

Sorry, Mr. Burns, but I don't go in for these backdoor shenanigans. Sure, I'm flattered, maybe even a little curious, but the answer is no.

So, let's review: You two screwballs have just strolled in here fresh from the sewer... and given me a bunch of bulldink about creating Itchy-- with no proof at all--

Sideshow Bob! Hello, Springfield. Sorry to divert your attention from all the big noises and shiny things. But something's been troubling me lately-- television! Wouldn't our lives be so much richer if television were done away with?

Hang on there, big fella. We'll save you. This ain't personal. I just love to scrimshaw. (SCREAMS) Judgment Day is at hand.

Remember how I got Milhouse's picture on America's Most Wanted? There he is, on the monkey bars. Try to take him alive. Oh, no! Not again!

Scott, things aren't as happy as they used to be down here at the unemployment office. Joblessness is no longer just for philosophy majors.

Studies show the part of the brain that remembers dance steps is also the anger center. So juveniles who know how to fox-trot are 10% less likely to commit a double homicide.

In accordance with F.A.A. rules, the first two people to the front will be upgraded to first class. Okay, you two. Come on, Bart! They're gonna pamper us! Not literally, of course.

Doughnut? What's a doughnut?

Groovy, dude. Burn down the barbershops! I hate America! Lieutenant! Lieutenant Smash! Huh? Oh, Admiral. Hup! The hippie fantasy again? They're getting less frequent, sir.

All right, class, the topic is world literature. What was the Pirate's name in Treasure Island ? Bart Simpson. Look, lady, I got a peptic ulcer, a wife hocking me for a new car, and I need a root canal.

Yo! Yo! Straight out of Detroit, y'all. It's the j-O-E to the C. Let's rock the party with Kid Rock.

Those aren't the socks she came in with.

Homer, I was just describing the test. True. Homer, just take the test, and you'll do fine. False. All right, brain. You don't like me, and I don't like you, but let's just do this and I can get back to killing you with beer. It's a deal!

I'm so sorry, Marge. But I guess you get the bill? Oh, for the love of pizza! Luigi Risotto? That's me. I'm from the US Immigration Department.

This is boring. Yeah. Switch it to the Elderly Animal Channel.

They're not sad at all. They're actually singing! They sing without juicers. They sing without blenders. They sing without flunjers, capdabblers and smendlers! Ooh! Tell Simpson I'm ready to deal.

Fish? I don't know. I'm not really a vegetarian. Please order or Miss Dench'll be furious. She'll beat us, she will. JUDI DENCH: Who are you talking to? TEEN: No one, Mum! I swear! JUDI DENCH: I'll "mum" you! (CRYING OUT IN PAIN) TEEN: Blimey!

God, I was so self-centered! No wonder I didn't see it coming. That's how it is though. One day your wife is making you your favorite meal, the next day, you're thawing a hot dog in a gas station sink. Oh, that's tough, pal. But it's never gonna happen to me.

I almost fainted, but then I didn't. What are you doing?

Ooh, right next to the boss. Aw, he'll never know who did it.

I know. Well done, monkey. That other panda gave some unexpected 'zazz to the festivities, eh? Maybe for you. How come you didn't rescue me? Too busy trying to keep my sides from splitting. It's happened before.

Don't even think about it, pal! Are we still in Little Italy? Actually, I think we're in Chinatown now. Only in New York. Mom, are those rabbits dead? No. No, Lisa. They're just sleeping...

- But there is no way that I am sayin' "thank you." - You're welcome. All right, then. Off you go to spend it on penny whistles...

Yeah, we want Krunchy! We want Krunchy! I thought you said you broke their spirits. We did. You broke nothing. Let's get 'em! To the hydrofoil!

Huh? Nice work, everybody. Wait a minute. This whole thing was a setup? But Skinner got shot. Aah! Yup. Blanks and a blood pack. Hey, watch it! I look like cable TV.

So, he has fire in the belly. But it will take more than belly fire to be the next Baryshnikov! Look, Boris. I think ballet's for sissies. Ballet is for the strong, the fierce, the determined. But for the sissies, never. Now put on this "fuchsiatard." You are a fairy.

And that's what happened. What are you looking at me like that for ? You believed his cock-and-bull story.

Not many people know I owned... the first radio in Springfield. Weren't much on the air then. just Edison reciting the alphabet over and over. "A," he'd say.

Stealing! How could you? Haven't you learned anything from that guy who gives those sermons at church? Captain What's-his-name? We live in a society of laws! Why do you think I took you to all those Police Academy movies? For fun? Well, I didn't hear anybody laughing! Did you?

Stop it! Stop it! Don't you realize you've just been brainwashed by corporate propaganda? Apparently, my crazy friend here hasn't heard of the food chain. Yeah. Lisa's a Grade A moron. When I grow up, I'm going to Bovine University.

How many people in this court are thinking of killing her right now? Be honest. Ah, she's always leaving the toilet seat up.

Oh! Thanks, Pinky! You've always been there for me. Has given you the call recall Alice

I wouldn't be worth $200 million today. But according to your most recent biography you only have $100 million today. I, uh-- I-- Um, actually, sir, it's, uh, considerably less than that.

Huh? What the--

I'm a level-five vegan. I won't eat anything that casts a shadow. Wow. Um--

Now time for "Operation Judge-Get-Back-At."

Huh?! That's it, I'm out of here.

My name is Timmy O'Toole. I just turned ten years old. Timmy, where are your parents? I have no family. I tried to enroll in school but Principal Skinner turned me away because of my shabby clothes.

just one sniff of that fog And you're inside out it's worse than that flesh-eating virus You've read about

For he himself has said it And it's clearly to his credit That he is an Englishman

Give me that knife. No, it's mine. Homer. Use the for-- The Force? - The forks. Use the forks. - Oh.

We're talking softball From Maine to San Diego talking softball mattingly and canseco ken griffey's grotesquely swollen jaw Steve sax And his run-in with the law

So, rather than risk competing with you, I've decided simply to buy you out. This is it, Marge. I poured my heart and soul into this business, and now it's finally paying off. We're rich! Richer than astronauts! Homer, quiet! You'll queer the deal. Oh. Right. I reluctantly accept your proposal.

Television, jumping box, picto-cube, just crank it up! In tonight's face-off, I will be debating Channel 6 movie ghoulie Booberella on the subject of our new boss, C. Montgomery Burns. My view, he's a great leader and a gallant American. He's got a heart as big as my boobs!

I don't know where you magic pixies came from,

But I can't find you funny anymore. I'll either tickle your ribs or feed them to my dogs! Now, we're ordering out. What would you like on your pizza pie? Extra cheese? What do you take me for? Lorenzo de' Medici? See you soon.

Groovy, dude. Burn down the barbershops! I hate America! Lieutenant! Lieutenant Smash! Huh? Oh, Admiral. Hup!

Hello, Flanders? I need a hundred grand. Well, I don't really have that much, but, uh, if you need it that bad, you'll be in my prayers. Go suck a Bible!

There was more dumb luck today when Police Chief Wiggum foiled a bank holdup without even trying. It seems the chief had gone to the bank to cash in his penny jar. ...48, 49, 50. What the-- ? Ooh! Good work, Chief. just doing my job.

Mr. Burns, I think he's dead. Oh, dear. Send a ham to his widow. Mmm. Ham. No, wait. He's alive. Oh, good. Cancel the ham. D'oh!

Come on, Lisa. Watch a little cable with us. Oh, it won't cost you a thing... except your soul !

Ahoy-hoy. Greetings, friend. Do you wish to look as happy as me? Well, you've got the power inside you right now. So use it, and send one dollar to Happy Dude! 742 Evergreen Terrace, Springfield.

Urge to kill fading. Fading. Fading. Rising! Fading. Fading. Gone.

And Bart was eagerly awaiting his first day of school. Don't worry be happy Look, Mama! Oh, honey, I can't right now. Bart's gonna be late. Hmph!

Coltrane, would you like to hear some music written by your namesake? (PLAYING JAZZ MUSIC) (SCREECHING) (THUD) Coltrane! "Coltrane, you were with us only briefly "but we will always have the ride home from the shelter." And, um, I guess that's it.

Ooh! Look at that one! Oh, my glaucoma just got worse. The president is a demi-crat! Hello? I can't unbuckle my seat belt. Hello!

He's cut. I cut you! Shh! You're cut too, shushy!

Uh-oh. So what are we doing, a lengthening or a widening? Yarr. Uh, let's make it both. Garr! Don't worry. It's inflammable. Let's keep this our little secret.

Hi, frozen body. Hmm. He's got a lob, but I don't hear a dob. Oh. Uh, there it is.

Oh! Now we'll never catch 'em! I reckon we're safe now. There's the state line.

Hee. Hmm. Hmm. This looks suspicious, but delicious!

But that was just one little insignificant mosquito. That can't change the future, right? Right? I dunno. Whew! I'm back.

You guys rock! Eh, maybe a little.

Lisa! Oh, where is she?

Uh-oh, acid rain again.

Homer, it-it's stuck.

But he's no ordinary visitor. In fact, uh, you might say-- He's a robot. We saw him on the way in. Thank you, Bart. All right. Come in. They know. Kids, this is Robby the Automaton. Greetings, Earth children. Where are you from?

D'egh! G'yah! D'oh! You're a travesty of a f-- joke of an assistant!

Oh, all right, all right. I'll get your milk.

And I'm gonna get a piece of the action! So, does he still work here, or what?

Me like to explore. That's a pretty big caboose for a baby. Homer, don't be-- Wow, that is huge.

- Oh, and sorry about your news. - Thank you, sir. Do they know how many eggs it laid in your brain? I prefer not to know. Frankly, one is too many. Echh! The foul stench of youth! Well, let's see. Ming vase on narrow column not knocked down.

Jingle bells Batman smells Robin laid an egg Batmobile lost its wheel and The joker got away, hey Thank you! Thank you very much.

Smithers, get me some strikebreakers, the kind they had in the '30s. We can't bust heads like we used to, but we have our ways. One trick is to tell them stories that don't go anywhere, like the time I caught the ferry over to Shelbyville.

No, wait, it is love! I'm in lo-o-o-o-ve!

Well, that was wonderful. A good time was had by all. I'm pooped. Yes. I should be-- Good Lord! What is happening in there? Aurora borealis. Uh-- Aurora borealis at this time of year... at this time of day in this part of the country... localized entirely within your kitchen?

Ooh! just do it.

But scaring kids is good for them. It hardens them against future terrors, like roofing and driveway scams. CHILD'S VOICE: La, la, la, la... (BOTH SCREAMING) Oh, sorry. I forgot I bought the soundtrack album. Honey, I know you're scared.

- Oh, no! Pirates! - Pirates!

Welcome aboard. You did what? I borrowed your nail clipper. What's the big deal? Nothing. I'm just a little edgy since your mother told me she wants to be a cop. Cool. Will you bring me along when you do evictions? You got it, little buddy.

Here comes the kick. Ow! Yea! As a doctor, I'd say he's had enough. But as a football fan--

Glug, glug, glug. What'll it be, boys? Just three X's for me. Give me five. This ain't no five-X whiskey. I can still see.

Ohh, the walls are melting again. Personally I think I'm overdone. God, if you really are God, you'll get me tickets to that game.

- Simpson! - S h h _

No! Potatoes are clean. The poison must be in the steak.

I'm afraid you have no choice. And remember, this information is highly classified. Cheese! Good morning, Agent Johnson. The film you are about to see--

Well, that brought back a lot of memories. All right, gentlemen, I'll take your case. But I'm going to have to ask for a thousand-dollar retainer. A thousand dollars? But your ad says, "No money down."

Let's dance the last dance Let's dance this last dance tonight Last dance Last dance for love Wanna play some air hockey?

All right. I'll get out my checkbook. - What was that? - Ah, I said-- So, you kids really love the Leader, huh? Even more than your parents? Yeah. No contest. Of course. Absolutely. All right already. But do you love the Leader... more than having your very own brand-new hover bikes?

I'm sorry. I'm really not comfortable with this, Ethan. What's the matter, luv? It's just-- It's-it's the same, old, tired gags, isn't it? I mean, let's give the audience some credit. - How about a giant mousetrap? - I love it! - Action! - ¡Ay, ay, ay! ¡No me gusta! ¡Ay, es grande!

This boy's brother hit him in the head with a wrench, mimicking a recent TV wrestling match.

Whoo-hoo-hoo That was Bobby Mcferrin's new one, "I'm Worried, Need Money." Okay, if you want two tickets to the big Pigskin Classic--

Mister Motherloving, that could be interpreted as a threat. I'll kill you while you sleep.

I'm telling you, Bart. One vice leads to another. And then you'll wind up like me. So jaded the only thing that gets you off is freebasing ground-up moon rocks. (SUCKING) All this does is get me to normal. (SIGHS) Thank you, Krusty.

I could never lie to you guys. I'm... I'm starting to get cold feet. Please don't tell anyone. Don't worry. Your secret's safe with me. Marge, guess what? Skinner wants to bail on his wedding! Homer, you're still talking to me. Oh, man, is this awkward. I'm out of here.

Hooray! Everyone's a winner!

What's that stench? Once you get used to the smell of melted hog fat, you'll wonder how you ever did without it. Mmm. Hog fat. Let's keep looking.

I'm dead. So if I play, the guys are gonna kill me. If I don't, I'll be letting Homer down. What am I gonna do? Well, I know you don't want to disappoint Dad, but how do you feel about lying to him? Good. Oh, you guys are so cut.

This is incredible. It's God's most wondrous miracle. Sir, I think your wife wants to hold the baby. My wife? Where? Where? Congratulations, it's a boy. Arr. You're truly the catch of the day.

Judgment Day is at hand.

Go, Carl. Go, Carl.

Ooh ! As read by Larry King. Hi. I'm Larry King. "In the beginning, God created the heaven and the earth. And the earth was without form--"

This is gonna cost me.

Yes, sir. Remember that month you didn't do it? Yes, that was unpleasant for all concerned. Anyway, back to the checks. Stop everything! I don't remember writing a check for bowling. Hmm. The memo says, "To my pal, Pop 'n' Fresh." Oh, yes. That greedy, grasping glob of chemicals.

Oh, there's an opening. Oh, too late. Nope, nope... Uh... That would cut it a little close. You have to be more aggressive, sir. Nonsense. One of our good citizens will slow down and wave me in. Nope.

So television's responsible. Hey, we were watching that ! Mom, what are you doing ? Well, you won't be watching these cartoons anymore, ever ! But, Mom, if you take our cartoons away, we'll grow up without a sense of humor and be robots ! Really ? What kind of robots ?

The preparations for your birthday have begun. I won't get what I really want. No one does. Happy birthday Mr. Smithers Mmm.

When I was young, I always hated knowing my parents were fighting. They're fighting in the car again. That music always sends a chill down my spine.

Uh, excuse me. Is there an Orange julius stand on this floor? I'll sell you this one. It's almost full. Why don't I drink out of a toilet bowl? He'll be back. As for your case, don't you worry. I've argued in front of every judge in the state, often as a lawyer.

I can't believe I was such a terror. Well, neither could your parents. That's why they brought you to me.

636-555-3472. Help me, SpringShield! Have no fear! SpringShield's present!

Book writing, what a scam, huh? It's only 20 pages long, and this guy wrote it for me. What's your name again? John Updike. Whoa, whoa. I didn't ask for your life story.

Can I come too?

That is one evil dude. It's just a movie, son. There's nobody that evil in real life.

Which I spent on a novelty horn. Maybe we should talk to a financial planner. Financial panther, eh? Mr. Simpson, you're a dollar overdrawn. Get him, Sheba! I'm on board.

My name iS luka i live on the second floor Give me my car, fatty. This is my car! And I'm not fat! It's glandular! Right.

Keep firing! Convert the heathens! Got him! No, you just winged him and made him a Unitarian. Look out, Bart! A gentle Baha'i. All right! Full conversion! Thanks, guys. This really cheered me up.

Bad dog! Bad cat! Bad fawn. Hmm. Shoo! Shoo! All right! It's time for ABC's T.G.I.F. lineup. Lise, when you get a little older, you'll learn that Friday's just another day...

All useless. The credits really have to go this long? Oh, shush yourself. English - US - Line 21

Hello. Is Mike there ? Last name Rotch. Hold on. I'll check. Mike Rotch ? Mike Rotch ! Hey, has anybody seen Mike Rotch lately ? Listen to me, you little puke ! One of these days I'm gonna catch you, and I'm gonna carve my name on your back with an ice pick !

You should call that radio station and let 'em have it! Good idea! Why, you little-- Ow! Ow! Ow!

The Springfield Police have told me that 91% of all traffic accidents... are caused by you six guys. I knew we could do it!

Bart was so cool. - Little short. He's about this tall. - Don't print that. Word. It just sounds like something I would say.

You idiot! You nearly drank a beaker full of sulfuric acid. Acid, eh? Gee. That would have been stupid. Boy, would my face have been red. Stop laughing, you imbecile. Don't you realize how close you just came to killing yourself?

That's one small step for man. One giant leap for mankind.

One day soon I will come for you, and then the game will begin. Could be in the middle of the night. It could be when you least expect it. Or whatever's good for you. I don't care.

Au revoir, suckers.

NAh, baloney. Yeah, right. Oh, give me a break. Wow, cool, man !

I can't stand it any longer. This whole plant is insane. Insane, I tell you! I can be lazy too. Look at me.

I am a robot. Do what I say. I am a washing machine. Do what I say.

This ritual is called "Crossing the Desert."

Wait! I got it! I got it! I don't got it. Okay, think, Bart.

Death! There it is! Death! It's only Maggie. Oh, yeah. You know, at my age, the mind starts playing tricks. So-- Aah! Death! That's only the cat. Oh. Aah! Death! - That's Maggie again, Grampa. - Oh.

Why not? Follow me, kids. Nurse, prep these children. I'm glad you're okay, Bart.

it's your world and I'm just A squirrel trying to get A nut to move your butt to the dance floor so, yo, what's up hands in the air come on, say yeah everybody over here everybody over there the crowd is live and I pursue this groove - party people in the house - move

I look forward to workin' with ya. Mr. Smithers! Wait!

And if I go to prison, I'll get better food and more hugs.

Oof! Simpson, you're a menace. Oh, George, leave the boy be. Martha, I want a divorce. Oh, George! You've made me so happy.

Agreed. First prize. What? Way to go, Homer. You're number one, Homer. But this was a contest for children! Yeah-- And Homer beat their brains out. I can't stand it any longer. This whole plant is insane. Insane, I tell you!

Homer Simpson! Why can't we be friends why can't we be friends why can't we be friends why can't we be friEnds Your boy looks a little soft, Moe.

I don't even like using the bathroom after you. Why, you little..! Krusty, please continue. Okay. My father tried to extinguish the comedy bug but it was no use. What are you doing? Go away. Open the door! Oy, gevalt! Close the door!

Homer, bring Maggie out.

Sorry, I had a really big dinner. Whoo! Dinner! But I'm sure one more french fry wouldn't hurt.

What is your area of expertise? I can tell the difference between butter and I Can't Believe it's Not Butter. No, you can't, Mr. Simpson. No one can.

All right! Everybody in the pool! - 'Tis a fine barn, but sure 'tis no pool, English. - D'oh-ith! Is it a pool yet? Yes, Dad.

Do I detect a note of sarcasm? Are you kidding me? This baby is off the charts.

Let's watch some quality, scripted television. Law & Order. Elevator Inspectors Unit.

Mmm! I-- Ugh! I pickled the figs myself.

And from all of us, best wishes for a joyous holiday season. Now in the spirit of the season, start shopping! And for every dollar of Krusty merchandise you buy, I will be nice to a sick kid. For legal purposes, sick kids may include hookers with a cold. (LAUGHS)

Come on. Kiss me. Oh, Artie. Please. Really, I mean it ! Now, stop it ! I'm sorry, Marge. Take me home, Artie. Well, it's 1:00. If you wanna keep me, I'm afraid it's gonna be $45 an hour. Nah, that's okay. I'm broke. I'll walk home.

Hey! Where is Sideshow Bob and that guy who, uh, eats people and takes their faces? I'm right here, Chief. Oh. Then where's Sideshow Bob? Uh, he ran off. Oh, great. Well, if anyone asks, uh, I beat him to death, okay? Right.

and you won't see any of your favorite shows again until you give in! Whoa! That bites. Holy crap! What's that you say? You can live without television... as long as you have beer? That's right. Wrong. All beer trucks heading toward Springfield have been diverted.

Well, Bart's been acting very strangely, and that pizza delivery truck has been parked across the street for two weeks. How long does it take to deliver a pizza? - Our cover's blown. - Let's roll.

What are they doing to the church? We're re-branding it. The old church was skewing pious. We prefer a faith-based emporium teeming with impulse-buy items. I feel like I want to throw up.

Sustained. Roger Myers didn't create any of his characters. He stole them all. Stole them all? That could turn this whole case around. The only characters Myers could ever come up with were pathetic stick figures... with the words "Sarcastic Horse" and "Manic Mailman" printed on 'em.

Man, this place looks expensive! I feel like I'm wasting a fortune just standing here.

Aw, no! The corn! Paul Newman's gonna have my legs broke. Bart and Lisa have to go to school... while I get to stay home. Nyah-nyah-nyah, nyah-nyah-nyah.

It's a miracle!

I might get stung by a bumbled bee!

The one thing that mystifies me is...

You must perform for her one completely unselfish gesture. You mean, like give her full custody of the kids? Yeah, full custody. That's exactly what I-- - You're an idiot. - Oh!

Come on, big boy! Shake the butter off those buns! Shake, shake, shake shake, shake, shake Shake your booty shake your booty Come on, girls. Shake, shake, shake. Smithers, it's out of control.

Whoa! Whoa! Whee! Whee! Whoa!

Mom, doesn't any love story have a happy ending? Of course. Remember when, uh, your Aunt Selma got married? Oh. Good. Mmm. Soon I will kill you. No, wait, wait. That's no good.

"I love you, Daddy." Give me a break. - I pity you. - Why ? After you. Thank you so much.

Hi, Bart. Hey, cool, Milhouse. You get to be crushed by a truck. It sounds like more fun than it really is. Hey! I-- I think I'm lying on a broken bottle! Beautiful! Use it. Okay. Fallout Boy, origin scene, take one-- Action!

Uh, "Weather." Sounds like that gopher I caught in me lawn mower.

(BEEPING) KRUSTY: That thing's gonna blow! Drop this toy and run!

Always a bridesmaid, only occasionally a bride.

But your basic plan was pure genius. Where do you get your ideas? Oh, please! Let's not embarrass us both... with that hoary old stall-the-villain with-flattery scheme.

For your free brochure, send $5.00 to: Dimoxinil, 485 Hair Plaza, Hair City, Utah.

The kick is up. It's looking good. The ball is turning into a fat, bald guy. Aahh! oof! It's no good, and you know what we say... Every time something strange happens-- it's good that Bart did that. It's very good.

(SCREAMS) You crushed my boyfriend! You better be good at making out! Today, Geezer Rock will be officially designated a national landmark. What's the big deal about a rock that looks like a dude? I've got a dad that looks like a monkey.

Boo! I'm afraid you're gonna have to do better, Doctor.

Lisa, I beg of you. Please forgive me ! Now we can blame him for everything ! It's your fault I'm bald ! I'm sorry. It's your fault I'm old ! I'm sorry. It's your fault I can't talk ! I'm sorry !

Yeah, a purse! Shut up and let the woman talk! Okay, Kirk, I'll tell a story.

Lovejoy here. Reverend, this is Principal Skinner. I'm facing a crisis, and I didn't know to whom to turn. All right. Mother's gone too far. She's put cardboard over her half of the television. We rented Man Without a Face. I didn't even know he had a problem!

Hey, Ma, how 'bout some cookies? No dice. This ain't over.

Thinking is for losers. Bart! Thanks for helping me make up my mind! Thanks for cushioning my fall. I didn't cushion your... (GRUNTS) Chloe, I saw your report on Kuala Lumpur. Truly hard-hitting. Thanks, Tom. I really appreciate that.

Yea! Wait a minute. I'm not sure about this. Every time we've ever gone on vacation, I end up being horribly embarrassed. We end up in a big fight, and we come home more miserable than when we left. You have to promise me that this isn't gonna happen this time.

Sir Elton, my noble friends and I... would like to dub you a Knight of the Grand Concourse. Yeah, it's for all your charity work and, um, for, uh, you know, teaching us, um, to love again. Really? I did that? How the hell should I know? just get in the cage.

Really? Oh, geez. All right, Colossus, you're free to go. But stay away from Death Mountain. But all my stuff is there.

Well, Chief, don't quit your day job. Whatever that is. TouchÉ, Homer. My finest hour. And Marge wasn't even here to see it.

America's fine, AAA-approved motor lodges. The Arabian Nights Room looks nice. The Pharaoh's Chamber has a vibrating sarcophagus. Sorry there, Fred and Ethel. You should've made a reservation.

"Australia was originally founded as a settlement for British convicts." Lisa, watch your camera.

is Alan... the cowboy. Oh, Papa Homer, you are so learned. "Learnd," son. It's pronounced "learnd." I love you, Papa Homer. I love you too, Pepsi. Pepi. Pepi. Gotta make it till midnight. Gotta make it till midnight.

I dreamed about her again last night, Smithers. You know that dream where you're in bed, and they fly in through the window?

What's Lyme disease ? I'll field that one. Lyme disease is spread by small parasites called ticks. When a diseased tick attaches itself to you, it begins sucking your blood, Oh ! malignant spirochetes infest your bloodstream, eventually spreading to your spinal fluid and on into the brain.

I could call for you. Oh, great. Tell them this is one of those places where rich women lose weight.

- Radical! - Awesome!

Ay, ay, es Homer Simpson. Me ha molestado. ¡Oh!

Honey, are you sure you want to be Mrs. Montgomery Burns? Wouldn't you rather be Mrs. Abraham J. Simpson? No. I don't want to be either. Hot diggety damn! That's good enough for me.

They are throwing robots. He's disrespecting us. Shutuppayouface! Shut up your face. What's-a matta, you? You ain't so big. Me and him are gonna whack you in the labonza! Bad grammar overload!

Sure. Come on, Smokey, do your Smokey shuffle. (BOTH CLAPPING)

My most hated of all loafs. That was the end piece! That's it! Being abusive to your family is one thing, but I will not stand idly by and watch you feed a hungry dog! Go to your room! No! This family stinks!

Yeah, I know but... they're on their minibikes and all! Oh, all right. Let me talk to them. Put me on with the lead boy. Boys, there's a call here for ya. Hmm. Oh, well.

Shut up, Gil. Close the deal. Close the deal.

- Got it, Barn? - Got what? Ow! You're stealing a table? I'm not stealin' it. Hotels expect you to take a few things. It's a souvenir. - Ah. Is that my necktie you're wearing? - Souvenir. Mom, what if there's a really bad, crummy guy... who's going to jail, but I know he's innocent.

I say if it feels good, do it. All right. Don't snap my undies.

I'd kill you if I had my gun! Yeah, well, you don't. Lousy big shot. Thinks he's so big 'cause he's got a lot of guns. If he didn't have any guns, I'd show him a thing or two.

Yes, you do ! I hope you're happy, Bart ! You've ruined Thanksgiving !

No, no, no. I've got something even more special in mind. it's not unusual to be loved by anyone

Feels like I'm wearing nothin' at all. Nothin' at all. Nothin' at all.

"and reunited the entire cast of TV's Facts of life, including longtime holdout Tootie." Ohh! Sounds like another Pulitzer for me to polish. Hush, field trip boy! Impaled on my Nobel Peace Prize. How ironic.

Sting, you look tired. Maybe you should take a rest. Not while one of my fans needs me. Actually, I don't know if I've ever heard Bart play your albums. Shh! Marge, he's a good digger. Uhh! Sting! Mom!

Live from Mt. Splashmore, the tri-county area's funnest water recreation facility, it's The Krusty the Klown Show ! Hey, kids ! You know, today's the last day of our special week... on location at fabulous Mt. Splashmore.

Dateline, Kent Brockman. i'm here at the scene of the Christmas burglary, where a creature was stirring last night... and what he was stirring was up trouble. Is your husband or lover here, ma'am? No, my husband is... at church.

That's damn fine coffee you got here in Twin Peaks... and damn good cherry pie. Brilliant. I have absolutely no idea what's going on.

I can't believe I got booted off the team for Mr. Businessman. I bet I'll get a little respect once I get that Harvard diploma.

Uh-oh. Here's a slingshot, Lisa.

I did it. I made it all the way to-- Aw, crap! It just keeps going! I give up. You beat me, mountain!

Finally, the great taste of Worcestershire Sauce... in a soft drink! Ahh! Steaky!

Don't blame these kids. It's not their fault. I think their father is missing a chromosome. Miss Bouvier, while we were rescuing this boy, hoodlums made off with three bumper cars!

And it still says "guilty." And "guilty" is spelled wrong! Will the foreman please read the real verdict? We find the defendant guilty. Marge Simpson, I sentence you to 30 days in prison. Next case. The National Council of Churches vs. Lionel Hutz.

Look what I got! It's the kind I like. Are you guys shoplifting? Four-finger discount, dude. Shoplifting is a victimless crime, like punching someone in the dark!

Don't worry. Daddy's gonna get it back. I don't know how, but I'll figure out something. Thank you. You know, Lisa, music helps Daddy think.

People of Earth, this is Bartron-- commander of the Martian invasion force. Your planet is in our hands. Resistance is useless. We have captured your president. He was delicious.

Boy, did you make a prank call to Brazil? No, sir. I didn't. Choke on your lies! I'll teach you to-- Homer, they must've made a mistake. We'll just go down to the phone company and straighten it out.

Hmm, dear. We're in serious trouble here. We're just going to have to cut down on luxuries. Well, we're always buying Maggie vaccinations for diseases she doesn't even have. We could cut down on beer. We're not going to do that.

What was it? "Don't yell at Homer"! No, that's okay. What was it? "Slow." They called you "slow"! How dare you call me that? I-- Huh? Hey, Homer, you still here? Boy, you are slow. Something said. Not good.

Tramp. B-6. You sunk my Scrabbleship. This game makes no sense.

Um, Milhouse, if you stay a little while longer, you can have this blazer. It's a Bob Mackie original. Wow! A Bob Mackie!

There she is. Hey, Princess, it's me, the guy from the snapshot. Oh. Oh, hi. Places, ladies, places. Can I get just a little cooperation ? It's show time. Look. I'm here because I want to apologize for treating you like an object. Uh-huh. I also want my boy...

That means our murderer could be on the other side of this hatch.

Oh, I'm in way over my head. He's, uh, talking to the ketchup now. Burns is sure acting nutty. Maybe going broke and losing his plant destroyed his brain. Could you come along with us, sir? Are you here to solve my ketchup problem? Yes. That's right.

We told you to hold on to the handrail. We asked you not to spit over the side.

Wow. Bu-- Eh-- But I'm talking about, you know, outdoors with plenty of ventilation. That-- How could that be worse? Okay, permanent brain damage or just temporary? I see. I gotta close Praiseland down. Someone could get hurt.

But, Constance, it only happened because--

Oh, Miss Krabappel. Oh, your hair smells so... clean.

Wouldn't it, Flanders?

A blackout? Every time Santa and I get together it's a disaster. Oh, no, the power's out? We'll miss Fox Celebrity Boxing! I heard tonight they have Ed Bradley vs. Mister Ed. It's terrible-- all the traffic lights are out. Driving sure is dangerous. Yeah, tell me about it.

Stop that. I'm gonna kill him. No, I'm killing him first.

Uh, Uh, Bart, I hate to pull you away from your daily exercise,

Keep your money. I'm going home. Stop looking at me. Keep dancing. Don't you know how to dance? Watch me.

Ooh, Bart would like this. We're out of these. Out? But I just-- Register 9 is now closed. Hey, kids. i made your favorite cookies.

How are things in Personnel?

Don't you ever get tired of being wrong?

He didn't go to Nelson's, did he? No, no. I'm pretty sure he's with Milhouse. Milhouse! What? Tell Bart to come home! I think he's at Nelson's!

Hair. Hair. just like everybody else.

Yup. They called me Kid Gorgeous. Later on, it was Kid Presentable. Then Kid Gruesome. And, finally, Kid Moe. Hey, what's this? Oh, that-- that's my old spit bucket.

Hurry up. Mom and Dad'll be home soon.

Smelson. I could've thought of that. Sure ya could've. Off ya go now. You know, we've had a lot of fun tonight at the expense of the U.S. Navy. But they're out there every day protecting us from Godzilla.

How long have you been back there? Three days. Nerd! Homer-- That isn't very nice. Marge, try to understand. There are two kinds of college students: jocks and nerds. As a jock, it is my duty to give nerds a hard time.

and we're really glad you're home. I love you guys. Right back at ya, Son. And now I want you to meet your new brother, Hans Moleman. Cowabunga, dudes.

What about Bob Hope? He's been consistently popular for over 50 years. So has Sinatra. Well, anyway, we were all getting tired of-- Dean Martin still packs 'em in. Ditto Tom jones.

When I catch you, I'm gonna pull out your eyes and shove 'em down your pants... so you can watch me kick the crap outta you! Okay? Then I'm gonna use your tongue to paint my boat. Ooh. Oh, Smithers, if only you could hear me.

I brought a homemade first aid kit! It's spring-loaded for quick access. (SCREAMING)

Homer, didn't you get any milk? All I see is eggnog. 'Tis the season, Marge! We only get 30 sweet, noggy days. Then the government takes it away again. I think I'm having chest pains.

That's the kind of bold flavor they enjoy in... Albuquerque!

Use a pen, Sideshow Bob.

Wait a minute! Let me see that! Well, I'll be darned. Long pants. Read the other one, the non-duck one. "And spirituous beverages are hereby prohibited... under penalty of catapult."

Well, Marge, the other day Milhouse told me my meat loaf sucks. He must have gotten that from your little boy because they certainly don't say that word on TV.

D'oh! (SCREAMS) (BRAKES SCREECHING)

Hang in there, Laura!

Wow! If I were a billionaire, why would I be living with my mother? Oh, they're just not responding to logic anymore. I'll never win this alone. There's only one guy who can help me now. Look! I'm throwing paper!

Ooh, I guess it's time for me to duck again. No! I want everyone to know that... this is Ned Flanders, my friend! - What did he say? - I don't know. Something about being gay.

You will notice, my new best friend, that we are pretty casual around here. Yes, sir. I will notice that. Very casual, Mr. Scorpion. Don't call me Mr. Scorpion. It's Mr. Scorpio, but don't call me that either. Call me Hank. Uh, say, before we continue our tour, would you mind hanging my coat up on the wall, please? Mm-hmm. Um, uh, let's see.

Anyway, in conclusion, a man cannot be forced to testify against his wife. Stop winking! We'll miss you, buddy. Hey. We just got away with murder. And it was so easy!

Hey, boy! Pull, Willie! Pull! I'm doin' all the pullin', ya blouse-wearin' poodle walker!

And scraTchy show

You don't have the intelligence to rig an election by yourself, do you? You were just Barlow's lackey! You were Ronnie to his Nancy! Sonny to his Cher! Ringo to his rest of the Beatles! Enough! Lies, lies, lies! I did it! I did it all!

even on, uh, Rosencarl and Guildenlenny here. If Hamlet touches either of us, he's dead. Boo-yah!

Hmm. Hmm? Wow! Look at this old-timey gizmo. I feel like I've gone back in a time machine. Dad, they have those everywhere.

Clumsy Homer. Everything's always my fault. If he'd just watch out where he was going. Hello. What have we here ? A cherry bomb. I thought I blew all you guys up.

Mrs. Van Houten, I'm Bart's mother. We met when the boys drank paint. I remember. Please come in. Marge, I'm sorry but I think it would be better if Milhouse didn't see your son.

(GRUNTING) Okay. Take a break, ladies. No eating the grass! Hey, he didn't say nothing about this poison oak!

Stop! Wait! Wait! Attendez!

Then you might want to close your windows before the sun hits Diaper Hill. Look, Daddy. I'm the king of the mountain! Rod, get off of there!

All right! Let's make some pus.

Lisa, no! Your hands are too weak. Stop that. I'm gonna kill him. No, I'm killing him first.

The lemon tree's gone! And the tracks appear to lead into Shelbyville! Oh, look. A clue. A candy bar wrapper. Oh! They're always eating candy in Shelbyville. They love the sweet taste. We gotta get that tree back! You mean, going to Shelbyville?

Simpson, put that box on Mr. Burns' desk. Chop-chop! Oh, look, Smithers Another member of our nuclear family with some helpful suggestions. And what's your name? Homer Simpson, sir. Simpson, eh? Mm-hmm. I'm Monty Burns.

One reward coming up! Ta-da! Yea! Way to go! All right!

who wants to guess how I got the money? Dealing drugs? Drugs? I'll have to say drugs too. Close, but you're way off.

Barney, give me your keys. You're too drunk to drive. I'm fine! Okay. You leave me no option. Ow! What was that for? I'm trying to knock you out. Ow! Cut it out! Ow! Ow!

Some student, possibly Bart Simpson, has been circulating candy hearts... featuring crude, off-color sentiments. Well, let me tell you something. Valentine's Day is no joke.

"L," the losers in her wake

just picture them in their underwear. Whew! Ahh! "Grace under pressure... is no--" Three minutes to meltdown.

How does it happen, joe? How does what happen? How does a sweet young lady mortgage her future... for a bunch of scraggly ideals and greasy-haired promises? Maybe she thought the war in Southeast Asia was so immoral her end justified the means. Gee, joe. You haven't been the same since your son went crazy in Vietnam. It's a pain that never ends.

Well, I didn't win. Here's your pizza. But we did win. That's okay. The box is empty.

Ooh! I smell barbecue!

While they sleep, we suck up excess dirt and crumbs. Here you go. Make sure you get into every crevice. Cool. Grampa. Homer. Grampa. Homer. Don't play with the faces.

Let's see. What's the smallest amount of money I can think of? A thousand dollars! Oh! Oh! My moolah! It's escaping my clutches!

Hey, man, can you turn me on?

And that's what happened. What are you looking at me like that for ? You believed his cock-and-bull story. It's looking good, Mr. Simpson.

Hello. I'm Mrs. Simpson. Simpson. Simpson. Come back for more, eh ?

Mom, why do I have to wear a flea collar? Oh, it's just easier this way.

Lighthearted apron not included. Snapping fingers may not make food appear.

You want to know how to make a peach crumble? Kick it in the groin. Ha!

Our next budget item, $12 for doorknob repair. Nay! Recharge fire extinguishers. This is a free service of the fire department. Nay!

It's good to have you back with the Simpsons. I'm sorry I was ever mean to you. Marge, prepare the celebration ham. All we have left are the earthquake ham and the condolence ham. Marge, they're just hams, okay?

Ooh-hoo-whoa! Hmm, that looks entertaining. Oh, yeah! So tell your folks, "Buy me Bonestorm... or go to hell!"

- God, it's him! - Come on, boys. Overpower it. Fine. I'll do it myself.

Uh-oh. Uh, you got a men's room in there? Only Khlav Kalash. Men's room in tower. Tower. Observation deck. Oh! But I can't leave my car until the parking guy gets here. Oh! Why did I drink all that crab juice?

Ja, das ist gut.

Can I top you off, hon? No, thanks. More hash browns, sugar? No, I'm good. This just in. Authorities in Six Toe County are on the lookout for a family of fugitives.

Hey-oh! Gentlemen, our city's sucking down the juice like my wife at an open bar.

Diane, I'm going to take my break now. Hi, everybody! Ho... mer Simp... son. Okay, that was a little strange. Um, tell me, how you feeling today? Homer... Simpson. Homer. D'oh, Simpson.

Why, certainly, Pop 'n' Fresh. I owe my robust physique to your tubes of triple-bleached goo. Whoo-hoo! Hey, everybody, if you wanna ask Burns for a favor, now's the time! He's doped up or dyin' or somethin'!

(MELLOW MUSIC PLAYING) (PLAYING SCOTTISH TUNE)

"and two comely lasses of virtue true." Keep the pig. How many broads do I get? Hey, hey, let go! You're rippin' it! - No, you are! - No, you are! Let go. That's the charter. Wait a minute. We can just shut off the power! No such luck. It's solar-powered.

Dad! Oh, yeah. The costume. Hello, "Floreda"! I'm not a state! I'm a monster! No, Lisa. The only monster here is the gambling monster... that has enslaved your mother! I call him Gamblor!

Oh, those poor, helpless cows! Mm-hmm. What about clay? You got any problem with clay? Hey, what's this? "Vincent Price's Egg Magic." Wow. What are we waiting for? Keep-away lovejoy's collar!

Here's a float saluting the Native Americans, who taught us how to celebrate Thanksgiving. Interesting sidenote on this float: The papier-mâché is composed entirely of broken treaties. They're good sports. The answer is no, Mr. Burns. Not for any amount of money.

Oh, no. I used Dad's credit card to buy this? Yeesh! How much was it? $350.

Hmm. Oh! How 'bout paint by numbers? It's so rigid and uncreative. Okay. Oh, leather craft. Oh, those poor, helpless cows! Mm-hmm. What about clay? You got any problem with clay? Hey, what's this?

'Cause it says "Hammermill" over here. Um, no. Shh! English - US - Line 21

Well, I couldn't possibly solve this mystery. Can you?

South of the border

Hmm. This'll really help with my speed dating. I got 400 nos.

(PLAYING JAZZ MUSIC) (SCREECHING) (THUD) Coltrane! "Coltrane, you were with us only briefly "but we will always have the ride home from the shelter." And, um, I guess that's it. Amen.

Homer, do not press the "core destruct button." ...press...destruct button. Don't do it! Don't do it! You'll kill everyone! ...do it! ...do it! ...kill everyone!

Here you go, precious. Why isn't my mom stopping this? We've created a diversion. That's a very nice jig, Kearney. Now isn't dancing much more fun than bullying? Yeah.

Homie, it's time you got rid of that thing. All that candy is rotting your brain. (IN A SINISTER VOICE) I think you should get rid of her. Then we can be together forever! Maybe you're right, Marge. Or maybe you're right, Candy Ball. No, Marge!

Okay. Now we know you're allergic to cauliflower. But I made a special platter of vegetables that are good for you. It graffiti you can eatie. You get better, son. Meanwhile, the rest of us will be going to the library. Where are you really going? Milkshake festival. Look! You can see the booths from your window!

I said slag off! Cool!

Stir up some controversy. Rattle a few cages. Hey, stop that! You'll never silence me! I'm the last angry man, Patterson-- a crusader for the little guy! Leave the bird alone! Never!

Now, let's see. I-- I don't have a speech prepared. But, uh, abra-cadaver! "Thank you all so much. "I love Springfield, from the cuddliest infant... to the--" "Puppies." "Patriotism." "Bluebirds."

War, huh good god, y'all What is it good For abSolutely nothing say it again say it again okay

From now on, there will be a new Barnard Gumble. I'm working clean and sober. Congratulations, Barney. And enjoy your grand prize-- a lifetime supply of Duff beer! just hook it to my veins!

Good evening. Tonight my guest is AFL-CIO chairman, George Meany, who will be discussing collective bargaining agreements. It's a pleasure to be here, Krusty. Let me be blunt. Is there a labor crisis in America today? That depends what you mean by "crisis."

But, Dad, I'm supposed to practice an hour a day.

Good night, Lisa. Good night, Mom. - Sweet dreams. - Thanks, Mom. Sleep tight. I will, Mom. Don't let the bedbugs bite. Bedbugs? Rock-a-bye, baby

We'll start with a little light yard work, and when you're done, you can have a nice barley pop. I want you to clear out all the weeds. You do know which ones are weeds ? All of 'em ? Good boy. Now, be careful with these. - I'll be inside watchin' my stories. - Ohh.

Nothing! Maybe Laura could watch us. Oh, I get it. "Bart, the babysitter's here." "Let me tuck you in." Silence! Huh? Maybe it's time I wash my hand.

Dad, you forgot to pick up Milhouse. I did? I must be getting forgetful in my old age. Open the glove compartment and fetch me my brain medicine. What are you talking about?

Look out over the water. I figured if one six-pack holder will catch one fish, a million sewn together will catch a million fish. Watch. What's going on? I call it the Burns Omni-Net.

Don't worry. Being eaten by a crocodile... is just like going to sleep... in a giant blender.

My perfect family. This is my wife, Marge. Hello. And our beautiful baby. My daughter Lisa-- I.Q. 156. Hi. See? And my son Bart. He owns a factory downtown. H-How do you do? Homer, I'm late for my night job at the foundry,

It's a secret. Shut up.

We don't have anything in common. Look at these records. Jim Nabors, Glen Campbell, the Doodletown Pipers. Now look at her records. They stink! Oh. Maybe I had that crazy dream for a reason.

To think I'll never hear their sweet voices again. Aah! You little--

Hello, I'll-- Oh, it's just air.

Hmm. April Foo-- That sounded like an explosion at the old Simpson place.

What happened to your voice?

I've decided to choose your bald Adonis. Really ? You're so supportive. I wish every teacher was like you. Marge, please. I don't take praise very well ! Oh ! Another triumph !

Charge! Your dad ever take you to baseball games? Nah. His game was blackjack. He bet our life savings on a single hand.

What will be, will be You could see it from space, Marge. This isn't a problem for you, is it?

No! Duff Gardens. Hurrah!

Hello, I'm Troy McClure. You may remember me from such Fox Network specials as... Alien Nose job, and five fabulous weeks of The Chevy Chase Show.

Ah! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! What's the matter, buddy? The moron next door closed early. I happen to be that moron. Oh, me and my trenchant mouth!

Get this kid a magazine-- stat. I'm sorry. That leg's gonna have to come off.

Check it out, ladies. A suit that makes me completely invulnerable to bear attacks. (GASPING) Homer, there's no rear on that thing. I know. If I get really scared, I don't want to ruin the suit. Now look here, mister. I forbid you to fight a bear. What kind of an example would I be if I didn't take revenge on things?

Yeah. You help me and I, in turn, am helped by you.

As a bodyguard, your only loyalty is to your protectee. Not to your family. Not to your country. Not to "Moo-hammad." Even during Ramadan? Shut your Sass-hole, boy.

I'll mace you good!

Wha-- YOu-- What are you-- Hey, go protest outside, will ya ? Now ! Hey, Homer, I brought you a mug. Ooh, thank you, Moe ! I always wanted one of these. Oh, Mr. Burns !

Good gravy, what have I done ?

Hey! Who shot the auto-dialer? Uh, Marge's auto-dialer. See you in court, Simpson. Oh, and, uh, bring that evidence with you. Otherwise, I got no case, and you'll go Scot-free, you know.

Marguerita I want you. Mr. Devereaux, I can't work under these conditions. Have it your way, baby. You're fired. Oh, Avery. Call me Mr. Devereaux. We interrupt Search for the Sun for this bulletin.

I want it all-- the terrifying lows, the dizzying highs, the creamy middles. Sure, I might offend a few of the bluenoses... with my cocky stride and musky odors. Oh, I'll never be the darling of the so-called city fathers,

I was the first to discover his terrible secret. ich bin ein Berliner. He's a Nazi! Get 'im!

Oh, Mindy, you came and you gave without flaking But I sent you BenGay Oh, Andy, you kissed me And stopped me from something And I-- Uh-oh. Dad, why are you singing? Tell a lie. Tell a lie.

And this is for the United States of America!

Hey, moron. Springfield Elementary, and step on it. Hey, Teeny, you know where 123 Fake Street is? Ah, it's okay. Hey, we got the same hat. Thanks, Mr. Teeny.

Yo, Mr. Black. Another brandy. Gentlemen, to evil. Marge, since the kids left, I've lost five pounds!

So what's the problem, son ? I had a run-in with a bully. A bully ?

If you don't start making more sense, we're gonna have to put you in a home. You already put me in a home. Then we'll put you in the crooked home we saw on 60 Minutes. I'll be good.

Good. Commence shoveling. No. We're going to say grace first. Okay. Rub-a-dub-dub, thanks for the grub. No ! Ignore the boy, Lord. Now, Can the chatter, and bow your heads. Dear Lord, thank you for this microwave bounty,

Hi, how you folks doing? I'm Moe. Or, as the ladies like to call me, "Hey, you, behind the bushes." Is this thing on? No. Sorry, Moe. And now, without further Apu.

It's the sound of children's laughter... silenced. That's because tomorrow this old carousel, which has delighted young Americans for lo these past six years, will be torn down to make way for the future-- a store that sells designer mouse pads.

We'd be much better rock breakers if we weren't all chained together. - Ow! - No talkin'. You know, you catch more flies with honey than with vinegar. Ow! I'm beginning to dislike the man with the whip. Afternoon, folks. I got a new assignment for you.

For there will be no fire truck for little Bart, no sweater for little Lisa, no Cajun sausage for little Homer. So while you're home today... eating your sweet, sweet holiday turkey, I hope you'll all choke just a little bit.

Sure is taking me a long time to reach this button.

Hey, Simpson, wanna trade belts? Well, not really, 'cause yours is just a piece of extension cord. Hey, dude, he's raggin' on your cord. Get him! No running! Time for a little evasive action.

Come to what? Moving the whole town five miles down the road. it's crazy! Yeah, it's something, all right. So we transplant the town. We're just gonna trash the new Springfield too. Yeah, but what are you gonna do? If you need me, I'll be at Moe's.

There's a new judge in town...

You should wash up for dinner. To make it fun, you can use the Mr. Bubble. It'll be like giving your fingers a bubble bath. You are so dead.

The guys who wrote this show don't know squat. Itchy should've tied Scratchy's tongue with a taut-line hitch, not a sheet bend. Oh, Bart. Cartoons don't have to be 100% realistic.

Yes! Oh, yes! Read it and weep!

This profession can put a lot of strain on a marriage. Since he's been gone, I've been looking for a substitute... to teach me a lesson I sorely need. Mrs. Krabappel, you're trying to seduce me. Well ?

Ah, you're right. Okay, go ahead.

Armin Tamzarian's reign of terror is over. Now let us welcome our new Principal Skinner, Principal Seymour Skinner. Uh, him.

Look! It's the Seven Duffs! There's Tipsy, and there's Queasy. There's Surly and Remorseful! Hey! Take a picture. It'll last longer. Get outta here.

- I'm so conflicted. - About what? Loyal citizens of New Springfield, you stayed on my side of town... despite a total lack of hospitals and schools... and a sewage nightmare that threatens to consume us all.

Man, the last nine months sure were crazy. I'll say. I learned the true meaning of Columbus Day. I enjoyed a brief but memorable stint as Sideshow Marge. I became the most popular girl in school, but blew it by being conceited. And then I learned the true meaning of winter.

Stupid city! What the hell is this thing? Come off! Come off!

Good mornin', Moe. Yeah, all right. Listen up, guys.

Whoa! Huh? A pretzel? Wow! Looks like I pulled a Homer. Magic johnson coming down the floor. His feet slip out from under him! The ball flies loose, hits the referee goes in the basket! It's a three-point play!

Pally, this doesn't cost money. It makes money. You make the payments by plowing driveways on the side. Well, I really should discuss this with my wife. Your wife? What, you think I'm gonna buy a $20,000 truck just because you make that noise? I'll take it!

Oh! How much did you see? Uh, nothing incriminating. Good. Well, bye. I don't know why I leave this lying around.

Oh, I'm sure it is, doll face. But I'd like to see you prove it. You treat me like garbage. That's because that's the way you love it, baby.

Superintendent, I hope you're ready for mouthwatering hamburgers. I thought we were having steamed clams.

naughty, naughty but Krusty forgives you.

Springfield 's spelling phenom Lisa Simpson... has qualified for spelling 's answer to the Olympics: the Spellympics. in a related story, the Spellympics. .. is being sued by the Olympics for use of the suffix "lympics. ff

Oh, boy! A "spookhouse"! Hand over all your money. Was it scary? Uh-huh.

(LOUD BRUSHING) (STOMPING) (DOOR CREAKING) You have to make such an unholy racket? Sorry, Marge. I gotta break in my ski boots sometime. Maybe we should put this booze cruise in dry dock for awhile.

Lisa, it's your birthday God bless you this day you gave me the gift of do-do-do, do-do-do and I'm proud of you today...

Maybe death will stop your yammering, huh? Marge, easy. Everyone pile on Homer's wife. J Love is a battlefields

or Homer Simpson. Simpson, eh? Let's shut down this bowling scam right now. Come on, Homer. Come on, Homer. Pretend this is baseball and hit us a homer.

You give me fever when you touch me fever when you hold me tight fever ha Kill me.

Oh, no, you don't ! No, no ! Get away from me ! Uh-uh !

What'll I do? Frankly, my dear-- I love you. Let's remarry.

Front desk, there's been a terrible accident in my room! Poor Selma. You were having... such a lovely evening...

You little-- Lisa, no! Your hands are too weak. Stop that. I'm gonna kill him. No, I'm killing him first.

Marge, I need to speak with you alone.

Oh, Neddy, why has God forsaken us? I can't imagine what we could have done to-- Oh. Oh, no! Hey, Peg, you gotta take better care of the house.

Eh, it's not the end of the world. Oh, no! It's the apocalypse! - Bart, are you wearing clean underwear? - Not anymore.

I'm going to find my brother. I don't care what it takes. If I have to move heaven and earth, I'm going to find him ! Yeah, right. Good luck.

(GUN COCKS) (GRUNTING)

Snorky... talk... man.

Homie, did you straighten everything out ? Uh-uh-uh-uh-uh ! Don't say anything, Marge. Let's just go to bed. I'm on the biggest roll of my life.

My ring! Let go of her, or I'll scream! Callooh! Callay! We're in luck! They had a magnum at the shoe counter. Now for-- Gloria? Her ring.

This is a great vindication for anybody who was ever taking a bath, went to get the paper, fell down and had the door slam behind them and the doorknob break off.

We'll be right back.

When Homer sold his soul for a doughnut, he found out that hell isn't all it's cracked up to be... in these never-before-broadcast scenes.

Hmm. Dear Edna... I never answered a personal ad before but I found yours irresistible. My name is... ...Woodrow.

Here, Bart, you can hold my beer. Homer! What?

Oh, Homer. Everybody's been calling-- Mama, Daddy, the triplets, Vonda Mae, Piney joe, and I owe it all to you. Don't thank me. You should be thanking your brain. Oh, Homer. No man has ever been this nice to me without,

Huh? Goo-goo-ga-joob? Ha-ha! Ha-ha!

It's hard to believe someone that young could have risen to the rank of admiral. Gee! I never thought I'd say this about a TV show, but this is kind of stupid.

Can I come? - No. - Wankers. Now, Homer, I hear Ray Patterson is a fine public servant. Why should the people of Springfield-- Springfield! Springfield! Why should they vote for you?

(STOMACH GRUMBLING) Uh-oh. Here comes the gospel according to puke!

i mean, there we were with Hollywood royalty like Milton Berle and Nelson Mandela. And just a few stars down from the Cheerios honeybee. Awards and honors are great, but they don't pay the pickle man. We were earning millions, but we were always strapped for cash.

Ah. Seven chances to prove my love for sweet Manjula. Sweet mint julep. I'll be at Moe's.

We'd be much better rock breakers if we weren't all chained together. - Ow! - No talkin'.

What is this, open mike night?

Um, what do ya want? We're here to eat your kids. Okay, come on in... and look at this! Oh, please. Now make with the kids. Don't blame yourself, Daddy.

Let's twirl some more platters at Greaser's Cafe, where the '50s are never goin' away! Well, that dream is over. At least we still have each other. Right, honey? Honey?

Can you help me get my ball down from the roof, Dad? Sure thing, honey. You want me to get the cat down? No, thanks.

Hello, I was wondering if you'd like to babysit my little angels. Sorry, this isn't Abbie. This is her sister. I look after her now. No, Bart, put it down. Put it down, Bart. Bart, put it down.

Oh ! - Champagne ? - Please. There, my darling.

Things have changed.

- Kill her, boy! Kill her! - Stop him dead, little girl! Kill, Bart! Kill, Bart! Kill, Bart! Kill Bart! Kill Bart! Kill Bart! Kill! Kill! Kill! Kill!

Sorry, buddy. You got me confused with Fred Flintstone. Oh. Liberty Bell. Another Liberty Bell ! One more and I'm a millionaire. Come on, Liberty Bell, please, please, please. D'oh ! That purple fruit thing. Where were you yesterday ?

There you have it. Unrehearsed testimonies from important celebrities. She's one of my favorites. I loved her in the thing I saw her in.

There waS A farmer had A dog and bingo was his name-o b-i-n-g-o B-i-n-g-o B-i-n-g-o and bingo was his name-o

Haven't you? Haven't you? Look at me! Dad, it just kind of happened. You're taking this too hard. How would you like me to take it? "Go ahead, Bart. Have your fun. I'll be waiting for you"? I'm sorry. I can't do it! Well, what are you gonna do?

Grave nothin'! I never felt more alive! Oh, boy, I shouldn't have done that. It's a miracle! You recovered! What? What?

They just use your mind and they never give you credit Hmm. I quit! I quit! I thought you said you liked dogs.

Chicken. Hey. Homer, did you just call everyone "chicken"? No. I swear on this Bible. That's not a Bible. That's a book of carpet samples.

Hello, son. Where have you been? Playing with Milhouse. No, you haven't! You've been out gallivanting around...

Billowing backpacks, Radioactive Man! It's the worst villain of them all! The Scoutmaster! I see him, Fallout Boy. Go get 'em, Scouts.

That doesn't sound like bees. Oh, my God. It's a racetrack! The bird sanctuary! They ruined it! No, they didn't! They just surrounded it with something wonderful! Like a raisin covered in chocolate.

Aye, sir! This sucks!

I can't understand what happened. Why did they change Homer Simpson's character from cool to stupid? The first episode was just a pilot, Dad. Producers fiddle with shows all the time. They change characters, drop others and push some into the background. Your character provides the comic relief,

Stupid Bart-toon. Hey, Bart-toon. That's clever. I'm gonna kill him. Look. It's Internet buffoon, Angry Dad. Let's send him into one of his trademark fits. Hey, come on. Make your eyeballs explode.

Yeah, right. Like you're gonna let me go hungry. I'll be eating that pizza in five minutes. Bart, stop being confident. Doggone it! Ohh. Oh, Grampa. I'm starving! Somebody bring me some food quick!

No Edgar Neubauer.

Let's have a minute of silent prayer... for our good friend, Homer Simpson. How long has it been? Six seconds. Do we have to start over? Hell, no.

We cant tickle Elmo no more. Coochie, coochie coo! - No means no for Eimoi - Ow! And this slinky, these things are fun... for about two seconds. Mmm! Yeah, that's it! Slink away!

since the Middle Ages had no compact disks or Super Mario men, people found entertainment in abusing the village idiot. So let history come alive.

Welcome to Japan, folks. The local time is... tomorrow. Here's our room. Homer, you're supposed to slide those doors open. I don't have time for that.

Homer, drive defensively. - Sometimes the best defense is a good offense. - Faster, Dad.

Stand back, or I'll boot your prime minister! I'll do it! So help me, God, I'll boot him!

Won't you join our tea party? It would be ever so-- Don't do it, Lisa! It's a trick! Run! Run!

For reasons beyond my control, I will soon become vapid, sluggish and slow-witted.

I've always admired car owners.

- So I’ve never been here before. - Hey, Waylon! Who’s the bear? Woof! Ooh, is that the Mr. Burns you’re always taking about? No. He's nobody. Shut up, Stewart. Nice to meet you, Stewart!

Good morning, Pierce. Where's Homer? Uh, I think he went to work early. That sounds like a lie.

Who's gonna play Radioactive Man? I will tell you in exactly seven minutes. Okay. Here we are. Alt dot nerd dot obsessive. Need know star R.M. pic.

Oh, yeah. Like when a clown dies. Well, sort of. But I mean more like inflatable furniture, or Last Supper TV trays, or even this bowling shirt. Can you believe somebody gave this to Goodwill? And that kind of stuff is worth money? Boy howdy!

Congratulations, Ned. You are our new town crier. D'oh! May your shrill, nasal voice ring throughout our streets and brains. Well, thankily-dank, Mayor. I shan't disappoint.

Say it, Frenchy. Say "chowdah"! Never! Okay, you asked for it. I'm gonna enjoy this. ow, ooh. ow, ooh. Ow, ooh. Whoa! Oy! That's gotta hurt!

Happy Love Day, everyone!

It's terrible-- all the traffic lights are out. Driving sure is dangerous. Yeah, tell me about it. I got some yuppie jerk-off headed right for me, yakkin' away on his cell phone. Huh! I hear that. I got some big shot barreling down on me. Hey! Who are you talkin' to, your boyfriend? Hey, jackass! Your voice sounds familiar!

Mmm! Mmm! Lisa, watch out for poison ivy. Remember: leaves of three, let it be. Leaves of four, eat some more. Good-bye. Good-bye, sweetie. Good-bye, Mom. Bye, Dad! I'll write you every day! Don't look in my closet. In fact, stay out of my room altogether.

Yea ! This is a rather shameless promotion. - Hey, it worked on me. - Me too.

I'm aware of that! - That's over 16,000 kilometers. - D'oh!

(CRYING) (PANTING) Mom! Dad! I'm so sorry I got you into this! Lisa, you're all right! Oh, good. She's here in time to see us die. Maggie, I'm sorry I was jealous of your special gift.

won't be long till summertime is through summertime is through not For us now every now and then we hear our song - Shh!

Who stole my shirt? Who stole my shirt?! I washed it. Thank you, Marge. Ahh! Pink?! I can't wear pink to work. Everybody wears white. I'm not popular enough to be different. You have plenty of white shirts. Oh, gimme, gimme, gimme. Oh, no! Pink! Pink! Pink!

- Aah ! - Aah ! Why, you little-- Uh-oh ! Now I got ya ! Aah ! Aah ! Boy must die ! I love you, Dad ! Doh ! Dirty trick.

Okay. We'll start with our returning champion, Disco Stu! Disco Stu's gonna groove up some dough playing tic-tac-toe. Stu, we like to downplay the resemblance to tic-tac-toe. I can dig it. Hit me with the center square. Uh, Homer? Yes, Kent?

Live from Shelbyville, it's The Springfield Squares, featuring our new center square, Homer "Perfect Game" Simpson. Hey! Hi, Ron. There's a stairway, dumb-ass! Okay. We'll start with our returning champion, Disco Stu!

Laziness is counterrevolutionary. Questions are decadent! Fast hands mean less whipping.

And I wanna buy that baseball card where that guy's flippin' the bird. Oh, yeah. I seen that one. Oh, and a monkey ! What the hell is that ?

Let us give no more scrutiny to this bawdy house... and its small clientele of loyal perverts.

I think it's sad that you equate friendliness with wimpiness, and I hope it'll keep you from ever achieving true popularity. You know what I think ? I think Casper's the ghost of Richie Rich. Hey, they do look alike. I wonder how Richie died. Perhaps he realized how hollow the pursuit of money is and took his own life.

can I be A boozehound not till you're 15

Oh, great! Great. Hey, maybe I'll marry Elizabeth Taylor. Lucky drunks. We cannot uber-emphasize the importance of employee safety. We plan to have some frank discussions with your safety inspector. Yeah, sock it to 'em, Horst! Psst. Hey, Homer.

Tonight, we review an aging Charles Bronson in Death Wish IX. I wish I was dead. Oy!

Let's all go out for some frosty chocolate milk shakes.

Hello, police? Can you send a SWAT team... to 742 Evergreen T-- Forget it, Simpson. Those pig noises you made really hurt my feelings. Lookin' like a pig as I do. But you have so much inner beauty.

Get out and take your Sacajawea dollars with ya. I'll give you till three. One--

Whee! I guess every father thinks his daughter is the cutest. Well, now there's a way to prove it. Wow, President of Laramie Cigarettes, jack Larson! This year, Laramie is sponsoring... the Little Miss Springfield Pageant. You see, government regulations prohibit us from advertising on TV.

While we're waiting for our pie, let's take a minute to remember Great-Aunt Gladys. Wait a minute. That was Prince of Tides.

Oh, Maya, you're a national treasure.

Whoo ! Long live the queen ! Fellow classmates, instead of voting for some athletic hero or a pretty boy, you have elected me, your intellectual superior, as your king. Good for you. Very well said. Now your king and queen will share their first royal dance.

No TV and No Beer Make Homer-- something something. Go Crazy? Don't mind if I do!

Seymour needs the toilet! His bladder's full-- full of urine!

Hey, Lise, I dare ya to drink the water. I'm not sure that is water. Chicken. Quit it, Bart. Quit it! Quit it! Quit it! Bart, be quiet! Lisa, drink the water!

Lisa, knock off that racket! But, Dad, I'm supposed to practice an hour a day. I'll practice you! You'll practice me? What does that mean? Is it supposed to be some sort of threat? Bart, make her stop. Hmm. Look, Bart, I have to practice my saxophone, and you can't stop me.

That quilt was made by my grandmother!

Of course. All work and Moe play makes Moe a Moe Moe. Moe Moe Moe Moe Moe? Moe Moe Moe. Moe Moe Moe Moe Moe. Moe Moe Moe Moe. Moe.

Dad, you bought that because it was full of gummy worms. And you only wanted those as bait to catch gummy fish. Which I did. Mmm. Trophy.

This is Howard Co-smell. Homer Simpson is a boob. What do you think, J.J.? Dy-no-mite! Didn't graduate? How low can you get?

(SLURRING) Don't worry. If I feel the urge to sober up, I'll just talk to my sponsor. Drink or I'll die!

No, no, no ! That won't do at all ! Yeah, boy. Get down on your knees and beg for forgiveness ! Yeah, beg me, Bart. Beg me ! Lisa, I beg of you. Please forgive me !

Mom was right your singing's A sin you're As les misÉrables As lee marvin Sure, your dad's singing could make your hair curl But you too, Bart, have Sung and danced like A girl Eep.

Huh? Ugh! Oh, dear! No, Mom. It counts as a hit. Dad just won the game.

Krusty the Clown, I thought he was dead. Yeah. I guess you ain't been to too many supermarket openings lately.

I saved your career, man! Remember your comeback special? Yeah, well, what have you done for me lately? I got you that Danish. And I'll never forget it. Hey, kid.

Whoa! Another acid flashback.

Don't be so hard on yourself, Bart. It's not your fault Jessica doesn't like you. Is it my hair? My overbite? The fact that I've worn the same clothes day in, day out for the last four years? No, Bart. I just think you and jessica are too different from each other to get along. She's a sweet, kind, reverend's daughter, and you're the devil's cabana boy.

Ohh! I hate folding sheets. That's your underwear. Well, whatever it is, it's a two-man job. Where's Bart? He's up in his room. Bart! It's okay, Marge. I'll get him. Bart! What the heck's going on? We need Bart to help fold your father's underpants.

Oh, who am I kidding? The boathouse was the time. My God. They're naked. Double your pleasure, Springfield. I'm sweating. Let's ride through the car wash. Ew. Arr! This picture will serve me well on those lonely nights at sea. This is great. I can finally look like I want...

Smithers, I'm home! What? Already? Yes. Is it my imagination, or is TV getting worse? Ah, it's about the same. Uh-oh! Look out, Smithers!

This is absurd! I did not have relations in that closet! And the fact is, I haven't-- Uh-- Yes?

Lisa doesn't borrow my car and stay out all night with some hoochie. She's no hoochie! Her name is Zelda, and she understands me.

Whoo-hoo. Go, S.U.! A&M is gonna kick your ivy-covered butts. Yeah? Well, you went to a cow college. Oh, you're only calling us a cow college 'cause we were founded by a cow. Whoa, Nellie. We have ourselves a barn burner here today.

Thank you for this award. It is a tribute to this great country... that a man who once took a shot at Teddy Roosevelt could win back your trust.

Blame me if you must, but don't ever speak ill of the program.

I think they're in love. Aww! Aww! So that's what's been wrong with the little fella. He misses casual sex.

Hold on, Chief. It might be medicinal. Oh, yeah! Medicinal! Why, without it I could, uh, go even blinder, right? Uh, this might take a while, kid. Why don't you and your buddy run along? Bye, Laddie.

It's a pain that never ends. How many roads must A man walk down before you can call him A man Seven! No, Dad. It's a rhetorical question.

football fever,

jack, please. I'm married. That must be what's turning me on. Oh, stop it. - Some more. - Filthy, but genuinely arousing.

Wait a minute, sir. That's Homer Simpson. He wasn't exactly a model employee. Well, who is a model... employee? Simpson will do just fine, sir.

You sunk my battleship.

Excellent! Now, what have you got for me? (WHISPERS) Homer Simpson has become a snitch. (GRUNTS) Tell me something I don't know. Sometimes I go to the movies alone.

Dad, it's a blackout. A blackout? Every time Santa and I get together it's a disaster. Oh, no, the power's out? We'll miss Fox Celebrity Boxing! I heard tonight they have Ed Bradley vs. Mister Ed.

They made an elephant! It's hauntingly beautiful, isn't it? A storm is coming!

You don't win friends with salad You don't win friends with salad You don't win friends with salad You don't win friends with salad You don't win friends with salad - You don't win friends with salad Mom! I didn't mean to take sides. I just got caught up in the rhythm. Good morning, class. A certain... agitator--

Well, you all know what laughter sounds like. We now go live to Evergreen Terrace where I'm informed... that former Police Chief Wiggum has captured the Beer Baron. They captured Homer?

I see. Do you have receipt, quote, unquote "sir"? No, I do not have a receipt. I won it as a door prize at the Star Trek convention, although I find their choice of prize highly illogical, as the average Trekker has no use for a medium-sized belt. Whoa, whoa. A fat, sarcastic Star Trek fan.

I'm afraid not. Your father needs your help. You don't want him to get a lobotomy, do you? Hmm... lobotomy. That's all right, son. There's probably a downside I don't see. Uh-huh.

No. I-- I-- I mean just the Flanders family. Oh, okay.

I did it. I made it all the way to-- Aw, crap! It just keeps going! I give up. You beat me, mountain!

Duffman is a cautious cat!

I was strolling through the gas one day

This is Papa Bear. Put out an A.P.B. for a male suspect... driving a... car of some sort,

Well, as jerry Lee Lewis would say, "There's a whole lotta frowning going on."

Uh, Brooks, Groening, Simon, you're all cut. Castellaneta, gone. Kavner, cut. Cartwright, cut. Smith, sorry. Cut. Azaria and Shearer, you're cut. Firestone, you're cut. So is judge. Namath, you stay.

Best... death... ever!

All right. Woo-hoo! Hey, wait a minute. This isn't Marge. This is her fat sister, Selma. It's Patty, chump! (LAUGHING)

I started out as Roadrunner. "Meep." You mean "meep-meep"? No. They only paid me to say it once. Then they doubled it up on the soundtrack. Cheap bastards. You folks ready to begin? Uh, I guess. Is this episode going on the air live? No, Homer. Very few cartoons are broadcast live. It's a terrible strain on the animators' wrists.

I'm keeping you. You're Snowball V. But to save money on a new dish, we'll just call you Snowball II and pretend this whole thing never happened. That's really a cheat, isn't it? I guess you're right, Principal Tamzarian. I'll just be moving along, Lisa,

I'm taking this thing to Mexico.

Well, duh! Now, that's what I call a happy hour. Morris, something troubles me. My mother won't be home for another 20 minutes. No. I was thinking about Homer Simpson. That's okay. I was thinking about Sybil Danning.

Shut up! Shut up! Kiss my butt!

- I love you, Krusty. - Quiet! Maybe we were wrong about Burns on this one.

The house number is spelled out with letters. Get used to it, honey. From now on we'll be spelling everything with letters. Did you wish me to destroy this machine for you? - Nah, just park it. - Very well. And I counted the pennies in the ashtray!

Son, I represent a group of oil tycoons who make foolish purchases. We already bought us a stained glass bathrobe... and the world's fattest racehorse. Now we need your Ice Man. Oh, no. I could never sell him.

How come I never get any mail? I'm sorry, honey. Here, you can have the junk mail. "Gas your termites," "Freeze your termites," "Zap your termites," "Save the termites." Hello! "Dear Occupant, because of your fine credit history,

I want to see what's going on! No, mother! Don't look out the window!

Mom, you can't possibly believe that. I have to, honey. Or you can stay here and we'll have our own dance. Every Simpson, dance now Bump, bump, bump, bump bump, bump I'll go. This better work, boy. I don't wanna wind up...

Marge, the boy was wearing a Hawaiian shirt! So? There's only two kinds of guys who wear those shirts-- gay guys and big fat party animals.

Oh! That was a close one, Lisa, but you made it. I won first chair? No, you regained consciousness. Alison got first chair. Oh, it was just a dream.

Welcome to the Ovenfresh Bakeoff.

Attention. This is an emergency broadcast. All is well in the school. My authority as principal is total--

I have a confession to make. This should be good.

Ahh. Ohh. Simpson. Hot diggity! I don't care if it's bad news. Oh, Grampa, you're not busy, are you? Well, you're really asking two questions there. The first one takes me back to 1934.

Or that telemarketing scam you pulled? Uh, like those. But involving you. Oh. You mean like the time Barney beat up George Bush? Barney? That was me! And I'd do it again. Why stop there, Homer? My militia has a secret plan... to beat up all sorts of government officials.

So, come on. I need a name that says friendly, all-American cooking. How about Chairman Moe's Magic Wok? I like it! Nah. I want something that says people can have a nice, relaxing time. I got it! Madman Moe's Pressure Cooker!

Well, well, look who's here. Mr. No-Bribe. Sure, we'll help you. just sit down and wait for Detective Like-i-Give-A-Damn. Thank you so much. Dad. Honey, Daddy's waiting for the detective.

Ah? Yeah, well, you love Moleman. No, you do. You're gay for Moleman! You're gay for Moleman! (BOTH GRUNTING) No one's gay for Moleman. (BOTH GRUNTING) Where are we?

It cost me 50,000 Bazooka joe comics.

- in the great state of-- - Wait a second. I want to tack on a rider to that bill. Thirty million dollars of taxpayer money to support the perverted arts.

What am I supposed to do here? Nothing. just sit. I'll be back.

D R over three, or R squared D R, or R D R R. Har-dee-har-har. Get it ? Oh, yeah.

Nobody'll buy those. Your store smells. Now kiss me, funny face. All right! Oh! Oh, dear God! Cover your eyes, boys! It's okay, man. If it doesn't affect you, you're not human.

I'm sending you a photo over the Faxtrola. I need you to fly to Springfield and assassinate this man posthaste. Ah, Del Monte. Enjoy them, old man. They will be your last.

The butcher knife, Lisa.

Mayor Quimby, you are well-known, sir, for your lenient stance on crime. But suppose for a second that your house was ransacked by thugs, your family tied up in the basement with socks in their mouths! You try to open the door, but there's too much blood on the knob-- What is your, uh, question? My question's about the budget, sir.

Careful now. Nobody likes a show-off.

Knoxville, Knoxville, Knoxville!

Hmm? Hmm. Hmm. Mmm. Mmm! Promo. Ew! Fox!

And his breath reeked of beer and pretzled bread.

Surprise her with a pasta salad. Put a mini-beret on your wang. Oh, this stuff is gold. Happy marriage, here I come. Hmm. This'll really help with my speed dating. I got 400 nos.

Next. Wait a minute. It says here you're single.

Climb it, man! All right!

Wait a minute. These are not sprinkles, sir. What do you mean? You've clearly taken items from the candy rack and placed them...

which is what they called Shelbyville in those days. So I tied an onion to my belt,

Sit down and shut up! SeÑor MacGyver, you saved our village. Don't thank me. Thank the moon's gravitational pull. That MacGyver's a genius. First of all, he's not a genius. He's an actor.

Oh, I'm sorry. Did I wake you? I wanted to return your hair dryer. Oh, and here's your brush.

our glorious society's 1,500th anniversary, and in honor of this momentous occasion, we're having ribs.

He'll make you laugh He'll make you think He likes to run and then the thing with the Person Oh, boy. That monkey is going to pay.

Look, Grampa, I'm fine! I really don't need any more home remedies. Oral thermometer, my eye! Think warm thoughts, boy, 'cause this is mighty cold.

Bye, little dudes.

April Foo-- That sounded like an explosion at the old Simpson place. Forget it. That's two blocks away. Looks like there's beer coming out of the chimney. I am proceeding on foot. Call in a code eight. We need pretzels. Repeat-- pretzels.

Well, what do we have here? Looks like the biggest rip-off since Webster. Please, Mr. Coleman. We can explain. I'm listening. Your toy company is evil. Well, isn't it possible for an evil company to make people happy? Are you saying the end justifies the means? That's a very glib interpretation.

I need one 29-cent stamp. That's $1.85. - I want $2.00 worth of gas, please. - $4.20. How much is your penny candy? Surprisingly expensive.

And now, the eagerly awaited Super Bowl Half-time Show. Sponsored by the new Ford pick-ups, Citibank, and Moe's Tavern.

Run for it, boy!

"LSD Mach 3, and trace amounts of...(GRUNTS) "Human urine"? Well, there must have been a mistake. My body is a temple. Guards, remove this coked-out man-balloon from my sight!

Oh, "tuddle" Sunday trousers. Fear not. I'll get you to a hospital-- the only way I know how. Smithers, you infernal ninny. Stick your left hoof on that flange now! Now, if you can get it through your bug-addled brain, jam that second mephitic clodhopper of yours on the right doodad.

Kind of dull, huh? Not much competition for a video game... or is it? Presenting the Twirl King champions! Mr. Amazing!... Sparkle!...

No, no, no, no, no! Ay. ¿DÓnde estÁ mi tequila?

I hereby confer upon you the name of Seymour Skinner... as well as his past, present, future and mother. Okay. And I further decree... that everything will be just like it was... before all this happened. And no one will ever mention it again... under penalty of torture.

Uh, no, thanks. I'll just eat it here. Oh! No! What are you doing? Good, fair, poor!

Come on, washer! Oh, you stupid dryer!

I'll kill you, you bloated museum of treachery! You and what army? Stand back! I have powers! Uh, political powers! It's showtime!

Give me all your money. Never!

Lousy "Smarch" weather.

The Simpsons D'oh!

It's a tool that every home handyman needs. It's a jigsaw. It's a power drill. It's a wood-turning lathe. It's an asphalt spreader. It's 67 tools in one ! How much would you pay for a machine that can do all this ? One thousand dollars. Oh, sorry. Oh, don't answer yet. Because you also get--

You say you're in the military? Sweet Enola Gay, son! I'm gonna come in there and corpse you up! Corpse you up and mail you to mama! Well, where'd he go? Oh, got my knuckles all lined up for nothing.

I will always be true - Spend my days pitching woo to you Oh! He's been singing for two hours!

Well, there's only one way to find out.

Now, where did I put my badge? Hey, that duck's got it! Oh, come on. Come on. Give it back. I need it. Aww, keep it.

Homer, dont make things worse. I'll show you worse! l was told this would be televised!

I'm sure God will let us return soon. I mean, how long can he hold a grudge? "Forever-- Hmm? "and ever...

(SIGHS) So, what do you think of today's popular music scene? I think it distracts people from more important social issues. My God, are you always on?

We're dancing to the beat We'll make you move your feet Simpsons Christmas boogie Simpsons Christmas boogie

I-- I won't tell anybody. Dad, you tell everybody everything. Even Moe knew when I threw up on the dentist. Moe thinks he knows a lot more than Moe knows. just give me another chance, and I'll prove I can keep your secret. Okay.

But at least we can go out as the great journalists we are. I'm not a journalist. You are now. Remember to keep my boobs in the shot.

Well, I know when I've been licked. Sorry, Ned. This movie will never be seen again. Dis-embroider the crew jackets. We can still send them back. Mmm-hmm.

I'm Chuck Ellis from the Springfield Collection Agency and I'm here to ask you why you don't think you need to pay your bills? Oh, I know I need to pay them, but there's just so many. Do you feel good owing money? We've been very patient with you, Mr. Flanders.

And how come everyone gets a bedpan, and I have to walk all the way over there? You mean there? Yeah.

The guy that sold me this thing... did say the wishes would bring grave misfortune. I thought he was being colorful.

Mister Seltzer? Setzer. No, I think it's Seltzer. What is it, Homer? I came up with a stage move I feel is very cool.

The only ship worth a damn is friendship. Look. Here comes the "friend ship" sailing your way. Ooh, here. Let me get that, friend. Oops. Lost a nail. Well, that's leprosy for you.

Gee, everyone looks so happy. Indeed, Marge. And, uh, now that I think of it, I wildly exceeded my authority, and I declare the sugar ban over.

- (SCREAMS) - (BARKS) (SCREAMS) Be careful! (SCREECHING) (SCREAMS) (GRUNTS)

Win a genuine Ronex watch just like a real movie star. Hey, there's a sucker. Aw, come on, Dad. Get on the trolley. Hey, hot pockets. Win something for your girlfriend? Oh! Well.

at least the burglar's having a merry Christmas. Bart. You're up early. I couldn't sleep. What's wrong? There was no burglar. No burglar? What does he mean, no burglar?

I've got you Under my skin HOMER: I've got you Deep in the heart of me FEMALE SINGER: So deep in my heart You're really a part of me

Those two monkeys are killing each other! - They're having sex. - Oh?

I tried greasing the bucket with bacon fat, but your father kept eating it. Well, couldn't you try a nondelicious fat? Oh, there's no such thing. Hmm. I'm afraid it's hopeless. Beneath that bucket, he's more glue than man. So he's stuck like this forever?

Thrust! Parry! Stab, stab, stab, stab! Oh, he ain't pretty no more.

between these two flowers. Ow, ow, ow. Seymour, I was thinking of promoting you to assistant superintendent. But, instead, that plum goes to Holloway. No. But, sir, he's a drunk. And a pill-Popper.

Oh, here we are. The "Utility Room." This isn't very erotic. I think it's an actual utility room. No, honey, it's a romantic fantasy. I imagine I'm the janitor, and you're... the janitor's wife,

and the name of that town is Springfield. (GASPING) I was attacked, humiliated, and fed misleading gum. I give Springfield the lowest rating I've ever given a city, a six out of 10. (CLATTERING) I hope this bad publicity doesn't affect tourism.

Now, the thing is I don't have a lot of money. And what the hell good are you? Beat it, you hippie! But I-- You're right. That was harsh.

Get my filthy hands off my sister!

I like the ones where the mouse kills the cat. What's in the box, Mom? This box? Oh, nothing. Are you sure? You sound nervous. Well, anyone would be nervous with all the economic turmoil you read about in the-- Get her! She's doing something!

Get out. So much for the legendary gypsy hospitality. Beads! Ow! - Hmm? - Hmm? Wait a minute. This isn't Cedars-Sinai.

Mr. Plow. That name again is Mr. Plow. Hello, I'm calling from Delinquent Accounts at Kumatsu Motors. Oh, you want the Mr. Plow who plows driveways. This is Tony Plow. You know, from Leave It to Beaver. Yeah. They were gay.

I said, "Go to bed." Yeah. "Go to bread." B-E-D! Bed! Oh! "Bed"! Oh. Well, anything you say, Sis.

Uh-uh. You gotta be 40 inches tall for the adult section. Please? Okay. But get on your tippie toes. Everybody's hugging!

Now what? Come on. I want to go home. So, Laddie, thank you for your heroic rescue. And, Baby Gerald, we can't help but wonder what mischief you'll get into next. Now can we go home?

There's the coffee mug from Heartbeeps! And there's the cane from Citizen Kane! Wait a minute. There was no cane in Citizen Kane.

Yeah, yeah. Gee, the old guy's a little love-starved. Get moving, you hunk of junk ! I gotta make up for lost time.

You know, Fox turned into a hard-core sex channel so gradually, I didn't even notice. Yeesh! Marge, it's so great to have the whole family together under one roof. I never realized how much I missed it. Listen to the murmurs in the next room.

You know, Marge, this is just like when we were dating. Except for one thing-- no chaperone. Ho, ho, hoo !

ANNOUNCER: You're listening to Nationwide Public Radio. It's now 2:00. Time for Verbal Tea, with Amy Levine-Gonzalez. Oh, boy! This is what sunny Sunday afternoons are for. WOMAN: Today, we'll discuss a dying form of Peruvian banjo music,

That's right, I'm a witch. And I'm the one who withered your livestock, soured your sheep's milk and made your shirts itchy. Hey, you destroyed my turnip crop. No, that was gophers. Impossible. We burned all the gophers. Not all of them.

The students are over-stimulated.

Delightfully devilish, Seymour.

LISA: It's a media circus. Woo-hoo! The circus! A media circus. Woo-hoo! I don't know the difference. LISA: ABC, CBS. Uh-oh. The Christian Science Monitor has a flat tire. I'll get the spare. No. We must wait for God to jack us. In Springfield today,

Ever notice after dialysis... you always get the munchies? He's saying the stuff we all forgot. And you know what I can't open? Cabinets. Can he say that?

Freeze! F.B.I. The jig is up. All right, I admit it. I am the Lindbergh baby. Waah! Waah! Goo, goo. I miss my fly-fly dada. Are you trying to stall us, or are you just senile? A little from column "A," a little from column "B." Sir, she's gone!

That was close. Very close.

Well, we were lucky this time. But it's all too clear that some things in this universe... aren't meant to be trifled with. Homer, what are you doing? Something I should have done a long time ago. I'll teach you to mess with my machine! I'm gonna chop you good!

Huh? Good old Kitenge. Aaah!

Ooh, look at them, Smithers-- goldbrickers, layabouts, slugabeds. Little do they realize... their days of suckling at my teat are numbered.

Hello? Oh, hello, Principal Skinner. No. Bart has never been to Hong Kong. Good night. Hello? Tennessee State Police?

(GROANS NERVOUSLY)

Ooh ! Gorilla the Conqueror. The granddaddy of them all. Oh, well, maybe just one more hour. It's so unfair. just because he's different. Well, time to hit the books.

Quiet, you blundering fool! You'll curse us all!

Well, at least we'll die doing what we love-- inhaling molten rock. It burns! It burns! Don't worry, that "lava" is just orangeade...

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! I bought this popcorn fair and square.

Well, I wanna have a baby before it's too late. You're lookin' at a free lunch, boys. Come and get it. Ach! Back to the loch with you, Nessie.

Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Jingle Bell R-- Huh? Jingle bell what? Dad, it's a blackout. A blackout? Every time Santa and I get together it's a disaster. Oh, no, the power's out? We'll miss Fox Celebrity Boxing!

Sure, boy. First, you gotta shriek like a woman. And keep sobbing till he turns away in disgust. That's when it's time to kick some back. And then when he's lying out on the ground-- Yeah? Kick him in the ribs. Yeah? Step on his neck. Yeah?

This isn't what I wanted. Where's the edge? I followed your napkin. No napkin could wipe the crumbs of failure from your mouth! No! No, don't fight. All great art is controversial at first. But years from now, people will point to these cuddly little creatures and say,

Hey, no problemo, Bart-dude. I'll get rid of it. No! Oh, no. I just made my last payment. Oh.

What if you lived in a balloon? That's it!

I thought you said you broke their spirits. We did. You broke nothing. Let's get 'em! To the hydrofoil!

Mental note. Steal his idea.