comb.io - Clips

The firm declared super-duper bankruptcy, which is terrible news for the company's only stockholder, Homer Simpson. Oh! Family meeting. Family meeting. Okay, people. Let's keep this short. We all want to get home to our families.

Oh, now he's ragging on air conditioners. Hey, they keep us cool in the summer, pal. Get him! And stay out!

The Itchy & Scratchy Show

Hey, Bart. Check out my new earring. Pretty cool, huh? Milhouse, my mom wears earrings. Do you think she's cool? No! I think she's hot! Sorry. It just slipped out.

I am Ganesh, your god. Oh, I am truly screwed. I order you to get back together-- or I'll suck your blood! - Bleh! Bleh! - Bart, stick to the script. Don't be a jerk. You're the jerk. You're the jerk!

ANNOUNCER 2 ON TV: Congratulations to our winning father and son team, who will receive a free appetizer at Fuzzy Zoeller's Green Jacket Steakhouse. "And you won't be teed off when you come in "because our steaks are cooked to par-fection. "Our leader bar is filled with scrumptious..." Two more pages? I'm not reading this.

Oh, I almost forgot.

You're even better than this guy. Take a hike, you bum.

That fat, dumb and bald guy sure plays some real hardball. Who's ready to riot?

"Gym"? What's a "gym"? Oh. A "gym."

Oh, dear. Mr. and Mrs. Simpson, we have transcended incorrigible. I don't think suspension or expulsion will do the trick. I think it behooves us all to consider... deportation. Deportation ? You mean kick Bart out of the country ?

If I ever find out who you are, I'm gonna shove a sausage down your throat... and stick starving dogs in your butt! My name is jimbo jones, and I live at 1094 Evergreen Terrace.

Well, I think I know tomorrow's headline:

Tonight, we'll visit Springfield's answer to the Benedictine monks-- The Rappin' Rabbis. Don't eat pork not even with a fork Can't touch this! Marge, are we jewish? No, Homer.

I guess. "Truth is beauty, beauty, truth," sir. They're discussing poetry. Oh, we never do that at my school. But the truth can be harsh and disturbing. How can that be considered beautiful? Oh, he sure sucked the fun out of that poem. Please don't make me stay, Dad. I'll do anything you say.

who says it's wrong to eat meat. - Is he crazy? - No, just ignorant. You see, your crazy friend never heard of the food chain. just ask this scientician. Uh-- He'll tell you that in nature one creature invariably eats another to survive.

"Mindy, because of our uncontrollable attraction, I think we should avoid each other from now on." "Max, what I did, I did because of alcohol and anger." "I'm tired of these jokes about my giant hand. The first such incident occurred in 1956 when"--

Buy my cereal. Buy my cereal. I didn't do it ! Oh, I wish I could believe you.

And it makes a king Feel like some nutty cuckoo, super king Look ! It's Tony Bennett ! Hey, good to see you !

Patty, Selma, I'm sorry. Mm! He's hugging us. What do we do? just close your eyes and think of MacGyver. Hey, Homer! This luggage is crushing me. Hey, you don't hear Lisa complaining.

So, 120 pins later, I am the better man.

We're finally gonna stop those corporate pigs from dumping that nuclear waste. Oh, no! Our boat is sinking. It was I, you fools! The man you trusted isn't Wavy Gravy at all. And all this time, I've been smoking harmless tobacco.

Howdy, partners. Welcome to your post office. Wow! It's ours? Bart! Be with you in a minute. This is the lobby where customers come... for all their "postalistic" needs. "Legends of comedy," my tuchus!

Homer, I really don't like you telling personal secrets in your class.

It's okay, Cecil. They're V.I.P.s. Cecil is a girl's name.

Uh-oh. My eyes. The goggles do nothing.

- Whoo! - But for now,

of terror by Edgar Allan Poe.

Mom, make him stop! Bart, put down that yellow sweater. Nobody's going near their presents until 7:00 tomorrow morning. 7:00 a.m., no earlier. And you can't set your alarm clocks, 'cause I've got 'em.

For the answer to this, we went straight to the source. Get outta my office!

Get... out of... my... airspace!

Well, if I was governor, I'd sure find better things to do with my time. Like what ? Like getting Washington's birthday... and Lincoln's birthday back As separate paid holidays. Presidents' Day. What a ripoff. I bust my butt day in and day out-- You're late for work, Homer. So ? Somebody'll punch in for me. Try not to spill anything, Dad.

Now, how are we going to get my Homie back?

While you're enjoying our Hall of Wonders, your car will, unfortunately, be subject to repeated break-ins-- What'd he say? What about my car?

You know, Homer, I let a lot of things slide.

While I was gone, I got some really good advice from Paul and Linda McCartney. Rock stars. Is there anything they don't know? I still stand by my beliefs. But I can't defend what I did. I'm sorry I messed up your barbecue. I understand, honey. I used to believe in things when I was a kid.

Homer, it's 2:00 a.m. What happened? It was an alien! It appeared in front of me and said, "Don't be afraid"! Have you been drinking? No! Well, 10 beers.

Krusty, in regards to the large wager you made... on yesterday's horse race-- Oh, come on. How 'bout letting me go double or nothing on the big opera tonight? Who do you like? The tenor.

You're not my grandpa. Ah, come on. Give me a chance. Hey, can your grandfather do this? - Oh! - Bart!

Throw at his head !

Marge, come on! (GRUNTS) We'll be safe in the gas chamber. (GRUNTS) (SQUEAKING) I want you to look into the faces of those poor men. Each one is a life you made worse with your ratting. (ALL STRAINING)

Now my good man, what do you like to play? Pokémon! Pokémon? Pokémon? With the pokey and the man... and the-- That is the darnedest thing.

Hello. I'm actor Troy McClure. You kids might remember me from such educational films as Lead Paint: Delicious But Deadly and Here Comes The Metric System.

Hello. Uh, Homer Simpson is a brilliant man... with lots of well thought-out practical ideas. He is ensuring the financial security of this company for years to come-- Oh, yes. And his personal hygiene is above reproach.

And lift. And strain. And hyperextend. Keep those knees rigid. jerk that lower back. Homer, I'm-- I'm feeling some sharp pains in my neck. That' right, force it. Whip that neck.

Oh, I can't take it anymore! All right. I'll only be gone for a second. Hey!

Wow, former president james Taylor.

Marge, turn down the heat. That's better.

And you like snakes, don't you, Barry White? I love the sexy slither of a lady snake. Oh, baby. Hooray for snakes! Hooray for snakes!

Because I like you, I'll even do it pro boner.

Howdilly-hey, Camper Bart! Ready for today's meeting? You know-dilly know it, Neddy. Okilly-dokilly. Our annual father-son rafting trip is next weekend. Oh, no. Me bring Homer on a rafting trip? Duh, I'm the captain. My son is Bart. What an oaf. How embarrassing.

My dad once beat up six employees at KFC. And he'd been up for three days.

Well, that hideous creep doesn't scare me. Mom, Dad, help! He's trying to kill me!

Uh, I guess. Hey, that wasn't supposed to happen! Those finks double-crossed me! Poochie's dead!

256? And I'm stuck with this useless 252. Don't destroy me. I can still make you happy... to the max!

What you got there? Beanie Baby.

I'm gonna go get some vegetarian chili before they get desperate and add meat.

Drive me, Abe. Drive me. I just want to say we're through! Nobody dumps Abe Simpson. You're nothing but a hoochie! Hoochie! Hoochie! Hoochie! Hoochie! Hoochie! Hoochie! Hoochie! Hoochie! Hoochie! Oh, oh, oh!

I don't know. I just don't know.

Now your job is to attach Krusty's bill to a more popular bill--

Is there a chance the track could bend? Not on your life, my Hindu friend. What about us brain-dead slobs? You'll be given cushy jobs. Were you sent here by the devil? No, good sir. I'm on the level.

Tonight: A stowaway bear is terrorizing space shuttle astronauts.

So, any idea where this bastard lives ? Bart ! His parents aren't married, are they ? It's the correct word, isn't it ? - I guess he's got us there. - Hmm ! Bastard, bastard, bastard Bart ! Bart ! Bart ! Bastard, bastard, bastard "2148." This is it. Excuse me, is this an orphanage ?

Otto man? You're living in a Dumpster? Oh, man, I wish. Dumpster brand trash bins are top-of-the-line. This is just a Trash-co waste disposal unit. Come home with me. You can stay in our garage. A garage!

Mr. Simpson, please cover your ears while I say the secret access word. Cheese. Good morning, Agent johnson. The film you are about to see...

(LAUGHING MISCHIEVOUSLY) This prank is my Sgt. Pepper's. I see neither blushing bride nor ardent swain!

In the meantime, our counselors Dolph, jimbo and Kearney... will be happy to handle any problems you may have.

Bart, you promised you'd stop making that comparison! Per our agreement! (GROANS IN DISGUST) Knock-kneed home renters. Can't we thin this herd with some smallpox-infected blankets? We're already immune, you jerk!

It's just that you and Maude live like royalty in your fancy castle, while I got Marge trapped over there like a pig in a mud beehive. Oh, we're-- We're not as well off as you think. We give to eight different churches just to hedge our bets, and the Leftorium's business has gone way down hill... since Leftopolis moved in next door.

Uh, Mr. Burns I need to borrow money. Please, do go on. I know you're a good man and I have a dog that's very sick. Oh, please, continue. I thought maybe you-- Oh. Well, thanks for your time.

Homer, don't you see? Our differences are only skin deep. But our "sames" go right down to the bone. Maybe we do have a-- A profound, mystical understanding? Hey! We do! Oh, Marge!

But you know what? At least I'm out there trying new things. If it were up to you all we'd ever do is work and go to church. That's not true. Name one thing you've done in the past month that was fun. I can name 10 things. Um... I made sloppy joes. That's not fun.

Well, I'll always have my crank calls. Hello? Old lady from Titanic? You stink!

Well, go ahead. Do your worst. He locked the door! I'll show him!

There's nothing to eat for breakfast! You gotta improvise, Lisa. Cloves, Tom Collins mix, frozen pie crust-- Mmm! Maybe Mom just doesn't realize we miss her. We could go down to the casino and let her know. Aw, come on, Lisa. There's no reason to-- Let's go see Mom.

Hello, Police? This is Marge Simpson. My husband is on a murderous rampage. Over. Oh, well, thank God that's over. I was worried there for a second. No answer. Don't worry, Mom.

Oh, don't mind-a me.

Maybe it needs more fertilizer. I'm only one man, Marge.

Look, Junior, I expect this to be fixed with quality GM parts. But your car was built in Croatia. ts made from old Soviet tanks. Just fix it, Mr. Sass-wrench. Homer, please, the last thing you need is more enemies. Right, right. I'm counting the pennies in the ashtray.

You take that back, Barney. No, he's right, Homer. Stay out of this, old man. Dateline, Kent Brockman. i'm here at the scene of the Christmas burglary,

Shh! Don't shush me, you rich bastard!

Uh, nevertheless, I remain confident...

Yeah, but what made the rain stop? I dunno. Buddha? Hey, they've suffered enough. Keep that popcorn chicken coming, Colonel. Mmm! Mmm! f God] Not bad.

I'll take a hit, dealer. joker. You were supposed to take those out of the deck. Oh, sorry. Here's another one. What is this card? "Rules for Draw and Stud Poker?" What a pity, Mr. Bond. But-- Well, it was Homer's fault. I didn't lose. I never lose. Well, at least tell me the details of your plot for world domination.

You'll be my friend. I'm never, never gonna let you get away.

Wow! Hey! I don't want you reading those awful scandal sheets. Uh, I was just trying to find Dave Barry's column. He's great. He pokes fun at life's little foibles. Kids, I want to explain about the stadium. You see, sometimes moms and dads...

(GRUNTS) Lisa, what are you doing in there? Praying to Buddha, Jesus, SpongeBob. There's no time to be picky. Perhaps we should help. Screw her! (LAUGHS)

Perfect. Okay, guys. We push him out of the way in exactly three seconds. Should we correct for wind resistance? Hmm, possibly. What do you think? Oh, my.

I'm riding a unicycle with my pants down. This should be every boy's dream. Ha-ha! Your dad's not handy. Son, are you okay? I brought a homemade first aid kit! It's spring-loaded for quick access. (SCREAMING)

I won't turn to the comics. I won't turn to the comics. All right. I'll read one comic just to get me rollin'. Archie. "Hey, jughead, did you hear? The Supreme Court reversed"-- Mom, am I dumb? Honey, I'd love to reassure you,

I heard she fell down a well. Aah ! Come on now. God, she's been dumped again. Children, I won't be staying long. I just came from the doctor, and I have Lyme disease. Principal Skinner will run the class until a substitute arrives.

Boo ! Hey, what gives ? Boy, I tried ordering you. I tried punishing you. And, God help me, I even tried reasoning with you. And the only thing left for me to do is jump the gorge myself. Uh-- What ? Why ? Because that way you'll see what it's like... to witness a family member stupidly risking his life for no good reason.

Looks like it's back to jail for me. Al, let's have sex! Uh, no, Peg.

Well, yeah, but don't say it like that. Ooh !

So television's responsible. Hey, we were watching that ! Mom, what are you doing ? Well, you won't be watching these cartoons anymore, ever ! But, Mom, if you take our cartoons away, we'll grow up without a sense of humor and be robots ! Really ? What kind of robots ?

The mating call of the loser. just a minute, Simpson. I think my son has a very good chance. Oh, yeah ? Wanna bet ? I'm not a betting man. Oh, I'm a chicken, am I ?

Good evening. I've been asked to tell you... that the following show is very scary, with stuff that might give your kids nightmares.

Uh-oh. A cold wind. Hello, kids. Everything above the board here ? Good. Play friendly, children. Uh-oh, there's your bell. Come along, now, all of you. No dawdling, now. I'll get you after school, man. But-- No, no, no. He'll get you after school, son.

Lisa, don't hold anything back. You can tell me. Are you crying because you called Daddy a baboon ? No ! Nuts. Doh ! This isn't going well at all. Look. If you just want me to forgive you-- No, no.

America, take a good look at your beloved candidates. They're nothing but hideous space reptiles. It's true. We are aliens, but what are you going to do about it?

You've cut back on everything-- salaries, supplies, the food. I don't care what you say. I can taste the newspaper. Posh! Shredded newspapers add much needed roughage and essential inks. Besides, you didn't notice the old gym mats. There's very little meat in these gym mats.

Thanks for driving me, big brother. These giant clown mitts are extremely hilarious, but do make it difficult to shift gears.

One night only. Plus, the amazing, the astounding, the unbelievable Truckasaurus ! Twenty tons and four stories of car-crunching, fire-breathing... prehistoric insanity ! Whoa ! One night only. One night only. One night only at the Springfield Speedway this Saturday. If you miss this, you'd better be dead or in jail.

Oh, crikey! You gave me a smash on the noggin last year.

Oh, by the way, here is your new issue of Gigantic Asses. I'm telling you, Marge, this'll work.

Bill, bill, summons, bill-- Wait a minute. From C.M. Burns. This is it. Yes, this is it ! Whoo ! Whoo ! Marge, Lisa, Maggie ! Let's do this out in the yard where the neighbors can see.

Police Cops. Uh, no, actually, it was called Badge Patrol. The network idiots didn't want a show about high-tech badges that shoot laser beams. So we asked ourselves, who's behind the badge? Police. Cops. Police Cops. Yeah, but why does the Homer Simpson character have to be so stupid?

As God is my witness, I'll always be hungry again ! Doh ! Shut up ! This old attic's kinda spooky, isn't it, boy ? I said, isn't it, boy ?

Hey, Moe! Hey, you can't come in here dressed like that!

Homer, where are you? Uh, I'm somewhere where I don't know where I am! Do you see towels? If you see towels, you're probably in the linen closet again. just a second. No, it's a place I've never been before. Uh-huh. The shower. Hey!

You know, you look a little flushed. Maybe you should eat more vegetables and less people. Uh-huh.

(SCREAMING) Oh, what a view! (SCREAMING) Good ol' patch! You saved my life! Ahhh!

Perhaps you'd talk to Snappy the alligator? Maybe. Hello, Mr. Burns. Snappy, it's hard to imagine but I was once a barefoot boy with cheek of tan. I dreamed of grand slam home runs and wiping out nations with the stroke of a pen. There's still time for that.

After all, you wouldn't be here today if I hadn't become the responsible head of a household. Can we have a can of frosting for lunch? Okay.

All right, Simpson. I don't like you, and you don't like me. - I like you. - Um, all right. You like me, but I don't like you. Maybe you would like me if you got to know me. What are you, a comedian? Well, I'm no Margaret Cho, but I do a pretty fair Columbo impression. Uh, one more thi--

In this cell sits Homer Simpson, the most villainous blackguard to be held in this tower since Edward the Puppy Eater. (ALL EXCLAIMING IN HORROR) Look at his great staring eyes. Like saucers they are. (IN MOCK BRITISH ACCENT) He claimed he was me father, he did. Bart, you're not helping.

Is it a crime to be illiterate ? All right, all right. See this, Krusty ? This is a B. And this is Exhibit B. Betting slips-- obtained by this court indicating you have lost... substantial sums of money on sports gambling. Is it a crime to bet on sporting events ? Yes, it is ! Oh.

Homie, look at them. (FESTIVE MUSIC PLAYING) Honeymooners. No kids, no worries. Here's your future! (LAUGHING) Not me. I do crunches. Remember our honeymoon?

I guess that fear I always had of you stealing Homer away is unfounded. (BOTH SPITTING) Marge, I'd be a lot more worried about me leaving you for a sausage patty than your sister, Patty. (LAUGHS) (SCREAMS) Next time it'll be your eye.

Big fat guy couldn't handle his steak? Oh, yeah. We'll get past that barrier somehow. Old Blinky here will find a way. I'm afraid I can't let you do this, Red. The risk is unacceptable. I'm not Red. I'm Homer. - Gotta go! - Uh-oh.

D'oh! Stupid roller skate.

Your father's right, Lisa. Cellular service is about communication and unity-- community. Hmm?

Looks like bad news for the... Impson family. Let's all calm down. Everyone's gonna be just fine, as long as I've got enough beers.

Hmm. Blueprints of the dummy, notarized photos of you making the dummy... and an alternate wording for the banner-- "Buttzilla." Race you to Utah, Milhouse. Uh, okay.

No, no, no. I'll come right over. And may God have mercy on us all. Darling, there's an emergency at the hospital. Where are my shoes? Oh, I think they're in the den. In the den? May God have mercy on us all.

Fact: Cable companies are big, faceless corporations, which makes it okay." See, the clown is a treasure that will last a lifetime. Cable. It's more wonderful than I dared hope.

Hey, let's go over to the one-hour photo and breathe some fumes. Uh, excuse me, fellas. I-i-i couldn't help thinking... it might be nice if you could, uh, vamoose, you know-- if possible. Hello. Listen Lady.

pandas only feel the slightest tickle from these powerful electric shocks. Ow! Ohh. She's saying "I love you." Yea! Can't... take... the pain. Ow!

Hmm. I'm so funny. Fight and bite and bite Fight, fight, fight Bite, bite, bite You know, some of these stories are pretty good. The itchy & Scratchy Show I never knew mice lived such interesting lives. So much needless brutality. I don't know if I'm having any impact at all.

(FRUSTRATED NOISE) What about now? No, Homer. What about now? No, Homer. What about now? No, Homer. Marge, I'm really sorry I hurt you. But I've done way worse stuff since then. There was the gun I hid from you.

Smithers, my plan worked perfectly. Bart Simpson will live here as my son, and I will mold him in my own graven image. Who knows? I may even grow to... love him. Bartholomew!

My face is on fire!

Well, with all due respect, sir, I suppose you could come up with better fortune? Huh. Easy. Well? You will be aroused by a shampoo commercial. That's not bad. Come with me.

Got any spare change, man? Yes! And you ain't gettin' it! Everybody wants somethin' for nothin'. I'm old! Gimme, gimme, gimme!

Why? Why? My only son. Daddy, what's the red stuff coming out of kitty's ears?

Hey! Mom, Bart's throwing peas!

In fact, he takes me lots of places he hates. I told the witch doctor there's tightness iN my cheSt boom, boom, boom, boom I told the witch doctor he had to run A test Hi, sweetie. Hi, Dad! How was it? I went on a wild ride without ever leaving the building.

Who the hell am I talking to? You know, all this walking is paying off. Look how healthy I am. You see? I'm finally thin enough... to wrap this thing around my arm. Good for you, Dad. Could you get me some syrup?

Oh, dear. It would be a shame if that pretty dress got wet. I'd say the greater danger is her scepter acting as a lightning rod. Unless it's made out of plastic. Nope. Metal. Ladies and gentlemen, Little Miss Springfield has been struck by lightning.

Who's on first? Yes. Not the pronoun, but rather a player... with the unlikely name of Who is on first. Yes. Well, that's just great, Seymour. We've been out here six seconds. You've already managed to blow the routine. Sexless freak.

I don't wanna be a wet blanket, but getting on a plane like that seems like a hassle coupled with a burden. Come on, Marge. I wanna shake off the dust of this one-horse town. I wanna explore the world. I wanna watch TV in a different time zone. I wanna visit strange, exotic malls. I'm sick of eating hoagies. I want a grinder, a sub, a foot-long hero!

And those beautiful women? They used to be men. The point is, ya gotta squeeze every penny. Come on, let me hear you.

Hmm. "Beer goggles. See the world through the eyes of a drunk!" Wow! You're charming the pants off of me. What did you say, Aunt Selma? I said take off those damn glasses!

I can only leave you with the words my father gave me: "Stand tall, have courage and never give up."

How about that? I looked something up. These books don't just make the office look good. They're filled with useful legal tidbits. Stupid Moe.

Wow, look at all this Be Sharps merchandise! Lunch boxes, coffee mugs, funny foam. They took the foam off the market because they found out it was poisonous. But if you ask me, if you're dumb enough to eat it, you deserve to die. Bart!

Cartoon violence! Cartoon violence!

Walking to hell And back again

- Consider the charges dropped. - All right! Free nose jobs for everybody! Ay! You first. Give me a Van Heflin.

Thus ends the rule of law. Look at those looters breaking windows, setting fires! They're living my dream, and you won't let me join them! - Please, can I throw one little-- - No.

Sit down! Sit down! You're ruining it for everyone!

I'm not Krusty. To think I was gonna give you a ticket-- Krusty the Clown! I am not Krusty! Hey, Krusty, you remember that time we got loaded...

steps up to greet me raindrops keep fallin' on my head

Homer's Odyssey.

Oh, Mr. Burns. You were too beautiful for this world. Oh, man. Oh, man. We killed Mr. Burns! Mr. Burns is gonna be so mad!

just picture them in their underwear. Whew! Ahh!

(SIRENS WAILING) Back off, Canadians! We got 'em. You back off, hosers. They're in Canadian waters, eh? Beat it, you puck-slapping maple-suckers! Take a hike, you Shatner-stealing Mexico-touchers!

It passed the First test-- I didn't go blind.

Oh, egads! My roast is ruined. But what if... I were to purchase fast food and disguise it as my own cooking? Delightfully devilish, Seymour. Ah--

Mr. Simpson, You've been the boy's father for 10 years. Do you really think he could be the leader of a criminal syndicate? Well, not the leader. I mean-- Oh, it's true, it's true! All the pieces fit.

The only way to get Bart back is to kill the head vampire, Mr. Burns. Kill my boss? Do I dare live out the American dream?

Colonel Klink, why have you forsaken me? What is it? You have a question? Did you know Kinch had a radio in the coffee pot? He did? Mmm!

Hey, Dad, that light says "check engine." Uh-oh. Tape must've fallen off. There. Problem solved. Oh, come on!

Get away from me.

(BEETHOVEN'S FIFTH SYMPHONY PLAYING) (WHISTLES) (MUTTERING INCOHERENTLY) (LAUGHS INSANELY)

- Hi. - I have soy milk.

Whee! Lou! Lou! Are you all right? The electric yellow has got me by the brain banana. I see.

That was no accident. Let's get out of here. Na na nah nah Na na nah nah Wa-a-ave Good-bye What good is money if you can't inspire terror in your fellow man?

Hey! We can get away in their pouches! Eew! It's not like in cartoons. Yeah. There's a lot more mucus.

Ho, ho, ho. - Ho, ho, ho. - What the-- Ho, ho, ho. Bart, look! It's Santa Claus! Ho, ho, ho. Ho, ho, ho. Whoa! It's Santa, all right. And he is kickin' ass.

Ooh! Marge, you don't have to humor me. Well, it's pretty ingrained.

714 names? Better be more specific. Lazy. Clumsy. Dimwitted. Monstrously ugly.

It's free. And when is this weekend?

And if my banker's watching, let nothing stop you from payment of this check.

Superintendent Chalmers. Oh, my God.

Here's your quote. "Thomas Pynchon loved this book "almost as much as he loves cameras." Hey, over here! Have your picture taken with a reclusive author. Today only, we'll throw in a free autograph. But wait! There's more!

Gotcha. Well, gotta go. Me too. Uh, it's hard for us to leave when you're standing there, Mom. Push her down, Son.

I shouldn't be listenin' to complaints. I should be makin' 'em with you guys. The Good Lord lets us grow old for a reason. To gain the wisdom to find fault with everything he's made!

Arrivederci roMa yoink! It's time For us

Of course you will... at the magnet high school. Now, go. Hmm. It's noon. That's about when Dad gets the brew shakes. My dad's not here? I need a ride to school!

Oh, hot diggety! That's how they got me to vote for Lyndon LaRouche.

I shouted until I was hoarse, but they couldn't hear me. I'm in here! Well, let's go. Okay, Chief.

I don't think the guns are a good idea. Marge! We're responsible adults.

No! No! I won't take your blood ponies! Go on, sweeties. Go on. Shoo. (HISSING) Very well. You had your chance. I am going to shred you like a Christmas card! Now get out! I can't! My mom's not picking me up for an hour!

Okay, everybody. Grab on to something. All right. Here we go. Three, two, one. Make hatch blow now.

I've been playing jazz for 30 years, and I just can't make a go of it. I want you to have my saxophone. This isn't a saxophone. It's an umbrella! So I've been playing an umbrella for 30 years? Why didn't anybody tell me? We all thought it was funny.

Yabba-dabba-doo!

No door is gonna keep me from my meddlin'! Stand up straight, Bart. Abe? What the-- Now, here's a piece of bad news. Oh, Abe! You've aged terribly.

Hey, everybody. Look at this. It's that boy who laughs at everyone. Let's laugh at him.

Dinner with friends. Dinner alone. Watching TV alone. All right! I'm gonna sit at home and ogle the ladies... in the Victoria Secret Catalog. Sears Catalog.

Some Chinese people claimed they were celebrating New Year's in February. Oh, yeah. Those guys and their crazy scams. Good food though.

Why are you here? To tell you not to give up. Oh, but I wanna.

Oh, no. I give up. There's nothin' we can do. Yeah. I agree. You wanna start on tryin' to get Apu out of jail? Okay.

But what I lack in size I make up for in... obnoxiousness.

Never again will good, lazy men have to-- What the-- Oh, no, you don't!

D'oh! I mean, hey. Good morning, Father dear. Hope you're well. Are we taking the new Lexus to Aunt Patty and Selma's funeral today? Hmm. Fabulous house, well-behaved kids, sisters-in-law dead, luxury sedan. Whoo-hoo! I hit the jackpot! Marge dear, would you kindly pass me a doughnut?

couldn't buy me the pleasures of a simple family meal. Pass the bug juice, Dad. Wait your turn, you pig ! I have an announcement to make. I've decided to give Bea's money away. There are people who really need it. I'm gonna let them come to me and plead their case,

Homer, look! We're invited to Otto's wedding. Ooh, and such delicate tissue paper. Huh? Zig-Zag? Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow! No knife games on the kitchen table. I didn't hit your precious table!

Don Rickles zinged you, Marge. Dust! Eat my dust, dust. Oops. Dad, we hit Don Rickles. I'm okay, but the Puerto Rican guy's trying to steal your hubcaps.

You're here 'cause your itchy and Scratchy cartoons are stinking up my ratings! Look at this breakdown of yesterday's show. Kaboom! What happened here? Lightning hit the transmitter? See, that's what I thought at first, but then-- Hey, shut up!

by the inmates of a Guatemalan insane asylum. Uh, Wiggie, my chili's gettin' cold.

It's not fair, Dad. Why should an animal die just because you and Moe are fighting? It's the law. My hands are tied. Okay. Cranberry sauce, stuffing, potatoes. Come on, turkey! Join your friends! Do you really think the turkey's just gonna climb onto the plate? I would.

Ah, good one, Milhouse.

We'll return for the remainder of the conclusion after these messages.

That depends what you mean by "crisis."

Hey! Mr. Prime Minister! Andy! Aye, mates? What's the good word? "Mr. Simpson--" Blah-blah. "Misrepresentation over telephone--" Yada-yada.

(MEWLING) Lousy cat! (SLAMS) Stupid Homer-hating family. At least there's one place I'm always welcome. MEN: For he's a jolly good fellow... Oh, guys. This is just what I needed.

Have you been eating that sandwich again? Sandwich. Geez, we hardly made a dent in that 10-foot hoagie. Well, I'll give it a good home. Mm!

Forgot there was a physical today, huh? Yeah. Hey, Homer, can I borrow your underwear? Nah. This can't be right. This man has 104% body fat. Hey, no eating in the tank. Go to hell. How was your day at work, dear? Oh, the usual-- stand in front of this.

I can't stand to see him like this!

Whoa! Gadzooks! Look at the bus! I was right, I tell ya! I was right! Right or wrong, your behavior was still disruptive, young man. Perhaps spending the remainder of your life in a madhouse...

Sure thing, mous-y. Nice follow-through. Now that's what I call a moon shot.

Listen, baby. I always get what I want. I said no. Oh, did ya? Oh, I completely misunderstood. Please accept our apologies.

Yes! What the hell are you doing? Sticking it to you for killing off my character. Yeah! Whoo! You idiot. Dr. Winslow was only going to die in a dream. Wha-- Pink pages always mean a dream. I thought dreams was on goldenrod. No, goldenrod is for coma fantasies.

They're Stretch Dude And Clobber Girl Stretch Dude Clobber Girl Tonight's episode: "Enter the Collector."

Let's see... I'll have 16 Gravy Scrape 'Ems, a bucket of Twisty Lard, and two Super Choker Breakfast Burritos with macho sauce. And mega-size it, please. SQUEAKY-VOICED TEEN: I could also deep-fry the bag. Great. And I'll have a Diet Coke deep-fried.

Now, that is good labneh.

Maggie, you’re her best friend. Go talk to her. Oh, what have I done? Children dont remember bad birthdays, do they?

- This place is great. - Mm-hmm. Hello, handsome. Nice muscles. Care for a rubdown? Oh! Well, I'm flattered but spoken for. Oh, what the heck. Give me your number. Dad, what have you done to your stomach?

Middle-- very pleasant. Oh, thank God. The dog's here. Pull me free, boy. Don't be scared. You can do it. Hey! Where you going? I'm your pal. I took you for a walk once.

Bart, are you ready for your history test? Oh, you bet, Mom! Ask me anything. Okay. Who was George Washington Carver? Um, the guy who chopped up George Washington? Really? Wow?

Homer, what turned you from sad drunk to mad monk? Funny story, Kent. It's the end of the world!

Whoa-ho-ho! Not me! And not because john's gay, but because he's a sneak. He should at least have the good taste to mince around... and let everyone know that he's... that way. What on earth are you talking about? You know me, Marge. I like my beer cold, my TV loud... and my homosexuals flaming!

And now, to top off our most propane-explosion-free Science Week ever, our grand finale! The launching of a weather balloon. Go, weather balloon! Hurrah for science! Whoo! "Hurrah for science, whoo"?

Sweet land of liberty Of thee I sing

He thinks I'm gay? Everybody Dance now

Sorry. Sorry. I know we'll be friends. Talk about getting off on the wrong foot. Ooh. I can't believe they let a girl in. Don't worry. We'll drive her out of the academy. That is why God created hazing.

Do you have a bigger brother for me yet? Okay. I'll be back in an hour.

No door is gonna keep me from my meddlin'! Stand up straight, Bart.

Doh ! I... can't... breathe ! Too many... chil... dren. Eyewitnesses estimate the man's weight... at somewhere between 400 and 500 pounds. On the lighter side of the news, and I use the term loosely--

If there's A task that must be done don't turn your tail and run don't pout don't sob just do A half-assed Job

Way to go, Lise.

Guys, I am not cursed! Ow! Carl, let me die first. I couldn't bear to watch you die. Well, okay, but hurry up.

Aw, feelin' blue, eh? I got somethin' that'll cheer you up.

Ooh, ee, ooh, ah-ah Ting, Tang, walla-walla bing-baNg ooh, ee, ooh, ah-ah walla, bing-bang ting-ting too

in sending under-qualified civilians into space? I'll field this one. The only danger is... if they send us to that terrible Planet of the Apes. Wait a minute. Statue of Liberty. That was our planet! You maniacs! You blew it up!

Oh! She won't hold! She's breaking up! All done. If you survive, please come again.

Oh, my. You're burning up. And your cheeks are so swollen. I think you have the mumps. I'm calling Dr. Hibbert.

Yes, Mrs. Skinner.

- You're fired! - You can't fire me just because I'm married. I'm going to sue the pants off you.

Michelle Pfeiffer. Ha. The only true Catwoman is julie Newmar, Lee Meriwether or Eartha Kitt. And I didn't need molded plastic to improve my physique. Pure West. And how come Batman doesn't dance anymore?

This place wont be inhabitable for another six months. But where will we live?

Whoa! Homie, what's-- Marge, I'll explain to you afterwards. What do you think Mom and Dad are doin' right now? I dunno.

Lise, I think I'm having a midlife crisis. If you're feeling depressed, do what I do and write something. A novel, a play... Or I could write something that's not gay. (GASPS) Bart, someone wrote something cynical on your shirt! Mmm-hmm. Let me wash it off.

I resent you people using that word. That's our word for making fun of you! We need it! Well, I'm taking back our word, and I'm taking back my son.

Ptooh, their flower power-- it's no match for my glower power.

Mm-hmm. They call 'em shakes. "Shakes." You don't know what you're gettin'. Well, I know what I'm gettin'-- some doughnuts. Uh, help me out of the booth, boys.

The wagon's too tall. Oh, I don't wanna have to get out. I'll just drive up on the curb. Blughh. Almost got it. Drop the food, Chief! Dang fools. Drive-through's not for a-Parkin'.

Come on, Dad. Didn't you ever do anything wild when you were a kid? Well, when I was 10, I got my ear pierced. But this is completely different! Fine. Take it.

Thar she blows. The catch of the day. Arr, har, har, har, har, har, har, har. Why, ye mutinous dogs. From this day, I be requiring hairnets. Arr. Arr. Arr.

Hmm. Then, methought, the air grew denser, perfumed by some unseen censer, Doh ! Stupid censer. swung by seraphim whose footfalls tinkled on the tufted floor. Wretch, thy god has lent thee, I cried.

I... am a coward!

Uh, TV respects me. It laughs with me, not at me. You stupid-- D'oh! It's a lovely day for a launch here, live at Cape Canaveral... at the lower end of the Florida peninsula.

Well, Mom, one of us has scarfed down more than enough cupcakes over the past three decades to-- Bart ! just take mine. A simple cupcake will bring me no pleasure. - Oh, yeah ! - All right ! All right, class. From the top. One, and two, and three, and--

I'll stuff that sun hat down your neck! Smithers, take me home. I'm not fully defrosted. Nonsense. Just sit down and rest for a moment. There you go.

Look at that pig stuffing his face with doughnuts on my time!

Mayor Quimby supports revolving-door prisons. Mayor Quimby even released Sideshow Bob, a man twice convicted of attempted murder. Can you trust a man like Mayor Quimby? Vote Sideshow Bob for mayor.

I, uh, brought you a little present. No! No! Beer bring pain! I can't stand to see him like this!

Mom. Love ya lots! Good-bye, Lisa. Remember me as I am-- filled with murderous rage! Well, Son, I guess this is the end. But we've both had long, full lives.

This is the international operator. Will you accept a collect call from-- Uh, yes, this is Dr. Bart Simpson... of the International Drainage Commission. It's an emergency. If it's an emergency, then. We understand some drains in your area have been malfunctioning, sucking in people and whatnot. - Willikers! That's awful! - Indeed. We need you to check your sinks and toilets...

ventriloquist loni Anderson, Ooh! Spike Lee, and the always lovely and vivacious head of Kitty Carlisle. Hi, everybody! Let's start the game! Aah!

Ahh, this is the life.

All righty. Uh, number one, I've lost the will to live. Oh, that's ridiculous, Moe. You've got lots to live for. Really? That's not what Reverend Lovejoy's been tellin' me. Wow! You're good. Thanks. Hi. it's me again. I got another problem.

People, we need some fund-raising ideas. Let's just write to David Bowie again. No. He's done enough for this church. Anyone else?

Well? No, no, no. I guess not.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

- Oh! Everyone's off but us. - Oh, stop. Your father and I don't get the day off. Lenny says we've got the day off! Yippee! One snow angel coming up! Huh? Oh, why does that always happen?

Anthrax, gangrene, swimmer's ear. Get your germ lab out of here! Now! Now! How could I not become a radical... when we were fighting a force of pure evil? Hey, hey, Mr. Burns! Enough already with the germs.

Aw, give up, Home-boy. There's a six-stroke limit. I know, I know. I can still make this for five. Come on, baby. Please, please go in. Please. Doh !

Actually, if the road surface maintains its integrity, I just might be able to hold on.

Adults! Kids! Adults! Kids! Adults! Kids!

It's not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to fit in eight hours of TV A day. The itchy and scratchy show

Eh, it's not the end of the world.

Okay, now look, my boss is gonna be at this picnic. I want you to show your father some love and/or respect. Tough choice. I'm picking respect. Good to see you. Glad you could make it. Oh, thank you, Mr. Burns. I'm so glad you invited us.

Okay, i think i figured this thing out. You go up and down, but not side to side, or back in time. Clothes! We're saved! - Oh, these have pleats. - just grab 'em! I'm okay, honey. Now listen very carefully.

All right, everyone! Disperse immediately! We are prepared to use force! What? What? We're not prepared, Eddie? - Get 'em! - Uh-oh. Someone call 911! Oh, they never come. Thus ends the rule of law.

Ah, heck. Now, where am I gonna get a Danish? Here's a Danish, Krusty. Gimme, gimme, gimme! Now, that's Danish. Where'd you get it? I stole it from Kent Brockman. Great! Uh, he didn't touch it, did he? No.

Now, I'd like to digress from my prepared remarks... to discuss how I invented the "terlet." Terlet. Ha! Stop your snickering! I spent three years on that terlet!

I'm... going outside...

Well, there's no easy way to say this. The new administration is shutting down Project Boy Band. Shutting it down? Permission to say "that's crazy," sir? You won't say it's crazy when you see next week's issue of Mad magazine. Oh, dear God.

Those auditioning for the role of Stanley, take off your shirts. Take off your shirts! Schnell! Schnell! Schnell! Uh-uh. Nope. Try joining a gym. Oh, ye gods!

Ye-- You know, the-- One thing I should--

We're wasting more energy than Ricky Martin's girlfriend. Hey-oh!

When will you Australians learn? In America, we stopped using corporal punishment, and things have never been better. The streets are safe, old people strut confidently through the darkest alleys, and the weak and nerdy are admired for their computer programming abilities. So, like us, let your children run wild and free,

Ahh! WEll, I'm rappin' A.B. And I'm here to say if you wanna drink beeR duff's the only way I said the only way breakdown

just a minute! Don't hang up!

Look. I brought you some nice pudding. Ah, your flesh mother used to bring me pudding.

Rip-off! We paid for blood! Let's tear this place apart! Good idea!

Mm-mmm. I've already talked to her for 20 damn minutes. Hmm? Oh! You're all right. Shh. What is it? Bart, I got a cassette from Mom and Dad.

Lisa Simpson. Well, this could be fun. Let's watch it.

Get ready, everybody. He's about to do something stupid.

- I shot him. - Well, that's a-- What? Now I'm goin' down to Emmett's fix-it shop-- to fix Emmett.

Let's go shopping !

Oh! $900? Well, we'll have to dip into the retirement fund again.

ANNOUNCER 1 ON TV: We now return to Robot Rumble on the Testosterone Network!

Fiddle-dee-dee. Tomorrow's another day.

Also, I believe Job was right-handed. But, Reverend, I need to know. Is God punishing me? Ooh! Short answer-- yes, with an "if." Long answer-- no, with a "but." If you need additional solace, by the way, I've got a copy of something or other by Art Linkletter in my office.

I'm better than you (AUDIENCE BOOING) You suck, Johnny Rainbow! I believed in you! (GROANS) No! (SOBBING) You sabotaged Cameron for me. Sure did.

We've met you many times, Miss Naegle. Why do you keep changing jobs? I'm a sexual predator.

the winner is... Please let me win. ...Mozart. (CHEERING) (SCOFFS) I can't stand it. Thank you. Thank you. I want to see you all next week at my concert in Krakow!

Why? Oh, the zombies. No. Spare my family. Take me. Take me. Hmm? Brains! Brains! Brains! Brains!

You gave the money to Moe? How's he going to pay us back? Look, look, I can see you're upset.

Howdily-do-- Greetings-- Ned, did you plug that phone back in? Shut up!

You take that back! Homer, please. These boys sound very nice, but they're clearly nerds. Really? But nerds are my mortal enemy. Dad, nerds are nothing to fear. In fact, they've done some pretty memorable things. Some nerds of note include popcorn magnate Orville Redenbacher, rock star David Byrne and Supreme Court justice David Souter.

I insist you take special care with my collection... of valuable and humorous bumper stickers-- Particularly this one, which was given to me by a Harrison Ford look-alike. No hablo ingles, seÑor.

I feel like chicken tonight Like chicken tonight Like chicken tonight

Er, uh, that is not my baby. (QUIMBY-LIKE) Er, uh, waa... Raise this as your own. This is the most exciting scandal since the Juice was on the loose! - The Juice is still on the loose. - (SCREAMS)

What's the matter? Are you scared? Are you scared, huh? Well, at least they're talking to me.

So you've got to think of a way I can come home for free. Hmm. You could travel for free if you were a stewardess. Well, how badly do you want to get home? All right, all right. How about a courier? They travel for free too. No, that's a terrier. They're dogs.

Breath... short. Left arm... numb. Can't go on describing symptoms much longer. I think he's had a heart attack.

(SARCASTICALLY) No, I was being sincere.

Mom! Mom! Stop the car! Dad went to take a bath, and the bear carried him off! Yeah. It almost wrecked the whole trip.

Fans reacted to these... slapdash episodes with yawns. Angry yawns. Desperate to polish their tarnished image, the family agreed...

Hockey Dad rules! Feel the drunken wrath of Chuck Shadowski! Dad, stop! It's only assault. Don't make it murder! Ignore. Ignore. ANNOUNCER: You are a big man.

The review, "Play Enjoyed By All," speaks for itself. Hmm. Those auditioning for the role of Stanley, take off your shirts. Take off your shirts! Schnell! Schnell! Schnell!

What's for dinner? Well, neighboreenos, I guess this is good-bye.

We are prepared to use force! What? What? We're not prepared, Eddie? - Get 'em! - Uh-oh. Someone call 911! Oh, they never come. Thus ends the rule of law. Look at those looters breaking windows, setting fires!

Hey, Lise, wanna join us? Room for one more.

Where's the hose? Bringing up the rear. Oh! Are you as excited as I am? Oh, yeah! Well, here goes. And now we wait.

Think harder, Homer. I'll take that.

You've just got to accept it. Your Gameboy is gone. It's at the bottom of the ocean. Aye, aye. Aye. Hello. Listen Lady. Uh, I'm in some hot soup here, Marge.

If you don't, who will, huh? Trent Steel. Homer Simp-- Uh, Max Power. Ooh, hey! Great name! Yeah, isn't it? I got it off a hair dryer. I like a man who can poke fun at himself.

Mom! Mom, you're stepping on my heels and knocking my shoes off! We can always get more shoes. Move, move, move!

Come on, Marge. You said you'd sleep on it. I don't care what I said.

Oh, my German verb wheel. Ich esse. Ihr ist. Wir essen. When? When? Ich bin hungrig!

Hey, have you ever noticed that the Crossing the Desert... is a lot like The Unblinking Eye? And it's exactly like "The Wreck of the Hesperus." And now, the final ordeal-- "The Paddling of the Swollen Ass-- With Paddles."

Okay, gotta focus, gotta focus. Gotta look at that bird. Gotta focus.

I am a virgin. Ha-ha! Hey! Does this mean that Mrs. Krabappel is a virgin too? Ha!

Simpson, we got a problem. The jazz pianist didn't show up. What am I supposed to do?

Seaman, open that torpedo tube. You'll never get a response talking to my son like that. You gotta poke 'im with a stick. I don't want to go to school today!

Agnes, we've got work to do.

Are you gonna call the police? Oh, forget it! They couldn't catch a cold with a-- a cold-catching thing.

Homie, did you close the gate? Yes. Oh, you mean tonight. The dog will get out. Bart, close the gate! Oh, Lisa, close the gate! Close the gate, Maggie!

You see, sometimes moms and dads... get a little, well, accustomed to each other. Dads especially. So they need to explore new ways... to express their love. Scary ways. But we never intended it to end like that...

Oh, please. You get exhausted watching The Twilight Zone marathon. I'm a regular Billy Crystal. You got that right. Well, Dad, I think running's good exercise. It adds years to your life. Stay out of this, Lisa.

I understand. We all do crazy things when we're desperate. I once destroyed Buddy Ebsen's credit rating. Why? He knows why. Jesus, Mary and glavin! These shoes are in the off position. You mean I danced all by myself? See, honey? All you needed was to believe-- What are you talkin' about, Professor Frink?

They go in through your nose, and they let you keep the piece of brain they cut out. Look. Ooh! Hello. Hello there. Who's that big man there? Who's that? join us, Father.

All right, Econo-Save, you just made the list.

Ach du Liebe! Das ist not eine booby. Is that story true, Grampa? Well, most of it.

Okay, everybody tuck your pants into your socks.

I'm trying to impress people here, Lisa. You don't win friends with salad. You don't win friends with salad You don't win friends with salad You don't win friends with salad You don't win friends with salad You don't win friends with salad

You're sure she'll have fun here? Oh, of course. Babies love the ball room.

on a continuous loop.

Are those our ratings? Let me see. I lost to Channel Ocho? What the hell is that? Dos huevos, por favor. ¡AY! Oh, que lÁstima. I gotta steal that bit.

Uh, sorry, little dudes. Party hardy was tardy. - All right, children. Count off. - One, two, three. Hey, Otto. Hey, Ottoman. Hey, Bart dude. Any new tattoos, Otto ? Oh, funny you should ask, man. This morning I woke up with this one.

It's just a little airborne. It's still good. It's still good. - It's gone. - I know.

This is hopeless! They're gonna demolish our house for sure! We're gonna have to move into a Motel 6. But Dad can't afford six dollars a night. Hey! Lise! Lise, come here! I found Edgar Neubauer!

I know one of you is responsible for this.

Say, Homer, do you like football? Do I ever! Do you like nachos? Yes, Mr. Ford. Well, why don't you come over and watch the game, and we'll have nachos and then some beer?

i'm A little teapot short and stout this is my handle this is my Spout the itsy-bitsy spider went up the waterspout Oh, yeah. Love that spout medley.

Homer, with our help, you'll never touch a beer again.

Drink up, Judah Ben-Hur. You truly are the king of kings.

Baby - I Ay, caramba ! Bart ! Dad ! Oh, here's what I was looking for. Blue chips closed up three and three-quarters. Oil service stocks slumped slightly on the news of-- Son, you shouldn't watch that other channel. It's only for mommies and daddies who love each other very much. Promise me you won't watch that channel ever again.

"A volley of musketry flamed, thundered, roared. "A profound silence followed, "broken only by the approaching footsteps... of the Third Brigade."

Yes, it is! Okay, then you can take Lisa to Dr. Hibbert's. Great. Maybe on the way back, we can swing by the demolition derby and have a nice talk. Sounds great. Lisa, I'm afraid your tummy ache may be caused by stress.

Fran, it's me. Just a heads-up.

Non-scarring toilet paper. Dream on.

Homer, what are you doing ? Give me that ! Burns is right. What's the use ? Don't you listen to him ! He's just a mean little S.O.B. - Oh, Marge ! - I thought there was some good in everybody until I met him.

Bart? In here, Mom. Don't open... You could use some new underwear too.

No. The March primary. Mom, can we get a pretzel? We've got pretzels at home. Not cinnamon.

We need another Vietnam to thin out their ranks a little.

Don't spit on my cupcake and tell me it's frosting.

That sucked! I can't believe The Gathering Shadow was senate redistricting. Worst Cosmic Wars ever! I will only see it three more times today. That's it! From now on, I'm not looking forward to anything! Oh, my God! Tomorrow, there's a two-for-one sale on piano benches!

Well, uh, I guess that settles that. I'd like to alert our affiliates that we will be ending our show early tonight. join us tomorrow when our topic will be "Religion: Which is the One True Faith ?"

Hey, elephant, I got one word for you- Columbo! No, that's not it. Modesto! Daktari? Nintendo?

Oh, Homer. How could you think of killing yourself ? We love you. - Yeah, Dad. We love you. - Yeah. Kill myself ? Killing myself is the last thing I'd ever do.

(RAPPING) Don't flavor hate. Participate. Machine makes a good point.

Well, I may not have a lot of "credentials" or "training," but I'll tell you one thing, I'm a Ph.D.... in pain.

Turn it up! Turn it up!

Gentlemen, according to my sources, you are planning to simultaneously drop your pencils at 2:15 this afternoon.

Did you change the locks when you moved in? I thought not. All the previous owners of this house could still be in here somewhere.

Greetings, friend. Do you wish to look as happy as me? Well, you've got the power inside you right now. So use it, and send one dollar to Happy Dude! 742 Evergreen Terrace, Springfield. Don't delay. Eternal happiness is just a dollar away.

Oh! You haven't changed at all! You're still evil. And when you're trying to be good, you're even more evil. I don't understand. Pigs need food. Engines need coolant. Dynamiters need dynamite. I'm supplying it to them at a tidy profit.

Well, hello, love. Give us a kiss then. You call that charming? "Hocus-croakus." Oh. Excellent, Lisa. A-plus. And we'll discuss your grade over breakfast.

After all, Homer, I do have the normal appetites. I know what you mean. just let me make sure we're not talking about food. I'm not. Right. Me neither. We're talking about sex, right? Right. I hear you loud and clear. Bart, are you taking a bath?

That's just the sound of the pelota hitting the fronton. I find it soothing.

Now that I'm a teacher, I've sewed patches on my elbows. Homer, that's supposed to be leather patches on a tweed blazer, not the other way around. You've ruined a perfectly good jacket. Ah, incorrect, Marge-- two perfectly good jackets.

(MIMICKING ELVIS PRESLEY) Hey, baby, come here. I want to kiss you. (KISSING) Squeak, squeak! No, don't kiss me. You tricked me into betraying my fellow students! Lisa, student government is meaningless. Look at your constitution. It's written on the back of a place mat. And not a good place mat. It's from someplace called "Doodles."

Hello, little fella. Smithers, I believe this dog was in Skull and Bones. Whoa! Cool dog! Can he catch a Frisbee?

So, you never learned cursive? Uh, well, I know hell and damn and bit-- Cursive handwriting. Script.

The jig is up, Quimby. Oh, God! When you see what's in this report, things are going to change in this town. I earned that lotto money. I swear.

Oh, Seymour. And I'm not Seymour. My name is Armin. This is Armin's apartment, Armin's liquor, Armin's copy of Swank, Armin's frozen peas. Can I see your copy of Swank, Armin? Yes, you can.

Maggie, can you point to the credenza? D'oh! Homer, you didn't do... a very good job frosting Maggie's birthday cake.

If you've committed a crime and you want to confess, click "yes." Otherwise click "No." You have chosen "No," meaning you've committed a crime but don't want to confess. A paddy wagon is now speeding to your home. Hey! While you wait, why not buy a police cap or t-shirt? You have the right to remain fabulous.

Not the church! Jesus lives there! The frame store? You monster! Not the sky! That's where clouds are born!

Or double-ply windows. They look just like regular windows, but they'll save us four percent on our heating bill. Well, they will.

Rest assured that I was on the Internet within minutes... registering my disgust throughout the world.

And the weirdest thing was, it was that school janitor who mysteriously disappeared! Groundskeeper Willie! Oh, my god! Bart, Groundskeeper Willie was in my nightmare too. But he got me with hedge clippers. He ran his floor buffer over me! Children, I couldn't help monitoring your conversation.

CompuGlobalHyperMeganet. junior vice president Homer Simpson speaking. How may I direct your call? It's Patty.

Now you got her, Bart. jump Lisa's king. I'm not Bart. I'm Rod Flanders. There you go with that smart mouth! Lisa, run outside and cut me a switch. Yes, sir!

(SINISTER TUNE PLAYING) (BANGING ON DOOR) I am Death. Death? We don't want any. I have come for Bart Simpson.

my new high-intensity halogen headlights. Nobody will ever cut me off again. Ah, please come in! Maggie smells bad, and the cat wants something, but I don't know what.

Go away! There ain't no monorail, and there never was!

Milhouse! I didn't do it. I wished him well. I wished him well! Stupid dummy wasn't supposed to explode yet. There's the real Milhouse. Milhouse! Hey, you're not Milhouse.

Pinchy, I made you some risotto. What? You gotta be kidding me! Dad! What's your problem, veggie? You don't even eat lobster. No, but I enjoy the smell.

Homer Simpson, defying all medical advice, has switched to Powersauce's archrival, the Vita-Peach Health Log. Doctors say he may not have the mega-nutrients needed to stave off death. Oh, Dad's gonna die, and it's all my fault.

So, Bart-- Question.

that your father didn't steal any of the characters associated with your studio? Well, I don't think I am under oath, but yes, my father created them all. Except for Flatulent Fox. That was based on a true story. But he did create Itchy. That's one thing I am sure of. Mr. Hutz, we've been in here for four hours. Do you have any evidence at all?

Nah. Fantastic Dan lives there. Did you call me, Spud? Look at 'em, Bart. If a carny can wind up homeless, it can happen to anyone.

Oh, Marge doesnt think I'm sexy. What am I supposed to do? Hmm. Suicide, eh? Hmm? That's it! Thank you, outdoor advertising!

Hey! I need those to see! These lenses are perfect. Now I can rebottom those antique Coke bottles. Three hundred-- - Hey! Come back. - Four hundred, 500, 600--

Well, according to WhatBadgersEat.com, "Badgers subsist primarily on a diet of stoats, voles and marmots." Hmm, stoats. Stoats. Stoats are weasels, Bart. They don't come in cans. Then what's this? That says "corn," Bart. Must you embarrass me?

Ha. That's right.

This machine reads zip codes. These five digits tell us where to direct your mail. But it's nine digits now. What's the point of these other four numbers? Those are citizen relocation codes. With any luck, we'll never need 'em. She's onto us. Should I flood the chamber? Not yet. Let's get some lunch.

By gum, it worked. I've awakened in the future. "Moon Pie." What a time to be alive.

(GIGGLING) Uh-oh. Girls. You guys need your cootie shots. (BOTH CRYING OUT IN PAIN) Well, I hate this job, but I love the health plan. Okay, ladies. Don't you have a poodle to dress up? Fine, we'll go. We'll find some other way to entertain our boy-crazy cousin who thinks you're cute.

(CHANTING) Strike! Strike! Strike!

Pitt, the Elder. Lord Palmerston!

Look at those poor saps back on land with their "laws" and "ethics." They'll never know the simple joys of a monkey knife fight. Give it to him, boy! Give it to him!

- Smokers are jokers. - Smokers are jokers!

This baby's sure to kill something. Okay now, everybody. Stand back while I celebrate freedom! Bart, give me your matches. Fresh out. No lighter? Nothing?

Hello ? Simpson, this is Sylvia Winfield. That canine of yours is in my pool again. I'm calling the dog warden right now ! Oh, are you ? Well, you go ahead... and call your precious dog warden, you old battle axe, because my dog is tied up in the backyard.

Kiki, I'm tired oftrade-show modeling. My back really hurts. You seem unhappy, so I'm going to inject this smile solution into yourjaw. Did you just drug me? What the- Technically, it's a toxin. Mmm.

Need more snooze.

Hey, Seymour! You want your usual table? No, no, Luigi. I'd like one with two seats. I'll be dining with a friend tonight. Hey, good for you, huh? Hmm. They treat you real nice here. Hey, Salvatore, guess who's here!

Uh-oh. Sorry. Let me just get my girlfriend, and I'll go. Hey, Crystal, wake up!

Look at those looters breaking windows, setting fires! They're living my dream, and you won't let me join them!

My heart is pounding like Thor's hammer... on Dr. Doom's titanium infused faceplate! Hey, aren't you the guy who was stalking Lynda Carter? The term is "courting." The restraining order says "no, no," but her eyes say "yes, yes." Let's see what you've got, son.

Smithers, guess what happened to me last night? I don't know, sir. You had sex with that old woman?

Well, I can picture the cheese, but, uh-- Do they have Krusty partially gelatinated nondairy gum-based beverages? Mm-hmm. They call 'em shakes. "Shakes." You don't know what you're gettin'. Well, I know what I'm gettin'-- some doughnuts. Uh, help me out of the booth, boys.

Wha-- Hey, moose! Shoo! Yeah, I'm talkin' to you! Get off my lawn, now!

Thanks, Marge. Early morNing singing song And so concludes our tale. I'm Leonard Nimoy. Good night, and keep watching the skis!

I'd give anything to get into the Stonecutters. What do they do there, Dad? I'm a member. What do they do? What don't they do? Oh, they do so many things, they never stop. Oh, the things they do there. My stars. You don't know what they do there, do you? Not as such, no. I'm a Stonecutter. Dad, remember those self-hypnosis classes...

I also would pay to see it again. Me, too. Here's some guy's wallet. I am that guy. Smithers, we could make a fortune with these Bible pictures. And I've been looking for a way to launder the money I made selling club soda as flu vaccine. Everyone seemed so happy. But, I'm surprised at Ned.

Now I'm going to burn this doughnut to show you how many calories it has. No!

You suppressed your rage for so long, it finally erupted as a massive public explosion. It sure did-diddilly-id. All right, all right. just watch it there. I'm here to help, you know. Now, I'd like to try something. Is there any person who makes you particularly angry?

Breakfast! Breakfast? Cereal? You know I like my breakfast fried or chicken-fried.

But today, you showed you only care about yourself. That's not true! I cared what you thought once you found out! You can sleep on the couch tonight. Can't you yell at me now and get it over with? No. I'm gonna parcel my anger out over the next few days and weeks, jabbing at you just when you seem the most content. Oh!

Wiggum forever! Barney never!

Oh, jub jub. When I went to pick him up, Mom was trying to stab him with a hat pin. Shh! You make me feel you make me feel

Homer Simpson at the Super Bowl? Dang! That was my last quarterback. Now what am I gonna do? You! Me? Yeah, you. Get your hand off my wife's leg. Sorry.

In the absence of a repressive milieu, your societal niche has been co-opted.

I love you, Homer. Come here, you! Here you go, buddy. Did you walk the dog? Yeah, he buried me a couple of times. Yeah, dogs like to bury old junk. Yeah, you stupid idiot.

(TEENY CHATTERING) (MUTTERING)

They fought and bit they fought and fought and biT fought, fought, fought bit, bit, bit it was the itchy and scratchy show

Ahh. Some things never change. Hey, everybody, an old man's talking.

Daddy, get up. You'll be late for church. Well, you boys can go with the Simpsons. I'm not going to church today. That's right. And I may not go to church tomorrow.

Wow. I'll take that ring. And how will you be paying for it? I don't know.

These are the latest, state-of-the-art, animatronic robots.

Sonata in A, K331, Third Movement! I can't hear you! Sonata in A, K331, Third Movement! (PLAYING TURKISH RONDO)

I wouldn't say King Milhouse is a loser, but that's the 12th girl he's struck out with this week. Boil him in oil! So no 10:30 show?

mission accomplished! I'm, uh-- I'm gonna crawl into bed with a bottle of amaretto. Good day. Easy, easy. Yes, yes. Yes, yes, yes-- D'oh! 7-10 split. Homer, can you run some lines with me? Make Bart do it. It'll just take a sec. Gutter ball! D'oh!

Hey ! Wha-- Come on, you stupid tube ! Hmm. Looks like there's a jam in Delta sector. It's too big to be human. Send down a few kids. That should dislodge it. Roger.

You! Homer, thank God. You gotta help me here. Oh, I'll help you. Help you die! Waaah! All right, that's it. You're goin' down, pal.

No, Artie, Artie. The best argument is that I've known and respected you for eight years, and I would be delighted to go to the prom with you. If you pinch your cheeks, they'll glow. A little more. Try to break some capillaries, dear. Couldn't we just use rouge for this ?

Help me, lord! I told you, Flanders has it! Or Moe. Go kill Moe. just give him the doughnut! Once he has it, that will be the end of all this horror!

Not good money really. Each can'll get you a nickel. Oh, don't pooh-pooh a nickel, Lisa. A nickel will buy you a steak and kidney pie, a cup of coffee, a slice of cheesecake and a newsreel-- with enough change left over to ride the trolley... from Battery Park to the Polo Grounds. There's a can.

Uh... page 900. But, Reverend... Damn Flanders.

Good night, everybody!

My body is a temple.

That's ridiculous.

Now here's-- Mr. Black. Thank you, Krusty, and welcome, children. I am Mr. Black, your head counselor.

And here we have the world-famous Beatles, exactly as they looked... performing on The Ed Sullivan show. Ohh. I hardly think it's fair to be charged full price. I'm up to my knees in the original cast of mash.

Aah ! - Uh-oh. Stop ! - Mmm ! Lunchtime ! Ha, ha, ha ! Lunchtime ! Aah !

Great Barrier Reef, we're under attack! Eat slaw, Skinner! We're slawin' him up good! Nelson doesn't know what he's missing. Why's he wasting his time with that Simpson chick? 'Cause your mom had a three-month waiting list. All right! I knew you'd be back!

No. - I'll be your friend. - No. Oh, you're mean.

so I got tickets to the opera tonight.

No way. Our current speed limit is an anachronism. - "Ignoramus." - The fatuity-- Will you shut up ? - Wait a minute. That word you keep calling me-- - Ignoramus ? Ignoramus ! It means I'm stupid, doesn't it ? There is a difference between ignorance and stupidity. Not to me there isn't, Homer ! you ignoramus. You're the ignoramus.

Good evening. Our old friend Noah Webster defines "laughter"... as "the act or sound of laughing." Ha-ha! Well illustrated, Nelson. And now, fasten your funny bones for Groundskeeper-- Oh. Or should I say "Grinskeeper"?

Listen, Son. There's something I have to tell you about our robot. (DOORBELL RINGING) There it is! The thing that makes us respect Bart. (ALL EXCLAIM IN WONDER) You guys are just in time. My dad's about to tell me something important about our robot.

May I see? See with your eyes, not with your hands. Please, we are all amigos here. Mr. Burns, I think we can trust the president of Cuba. Now give it back. Give what back?

Oh, oh! How about Oklasoft? It's Oklahoma's fastest-growing software company.

America, take a good look at your beloved candidates.

It's not my nature to complain, but so far today, we've had three movies, two filmstrips... and an hour and a half of magazine time. I just don't feel challenged. Of course we could make things more challenging, Lisa, but then the stupider students would be in here complaining, furrowing their brows in a vain attempt to understand the situation.

Homer! Relax. He's gorging. Okay, maybe not.

Hey, everybody, look what we got ! A dog ! All right, Dad ! God bless him. So love at first sight is possible.

Wow! They'll never let us show that again, not in a million years!

I could just wear gloves. Nah, they're upstairs. Ow, ow, ow! (CRYING) Hola, senor. We are gringos who wish to spend mucho dinero in your country. - Splendid. Welcome to Canada. - D'oh!

Bright Lights, Beef jerky. Help! Help! Police! Hey, I got problems of my own right now. Oh, boy. This is gonna get worse before it gets better. Next, we have Moe the bartender in Moe Better Booze.

Dear Lord, I'm really scared about this operation tomorrow. If something happens, please look after Marge... - and make sure my kids grow up right. - Shh!

Ooh... careful now. That one grazed my ear. Don't move. You could really get hurt. Oh. How much do those cost? I don't care.

Stop it ! Put that away ! Oh ! Oh ! Oh ! Ow ! You young hellion, - Do you want me to take off my belt ? - Yeah. All right, I'll show you. - Ha, ha, ha ! - Doggone it.

It's just a little slimy. It's still good. It's still good. It's just a little airborne. It's still good. It's still good. - It's gone. - I know.

It's your children's future. Children are important. It'll cost you. Oh, the taxes. They're gonna raise taxes! Come on! All right. That's a good point. Oh, yeah. That sounds-- Oh, yeah, the taxes!

(CLANGING) Hey, kids! I scream, you scream. We all scream for...

Mom, you said I could have one souvenir, right? Well, I want a didgeridoo.

Bart. Ahem. I was trying to gnaw my foot off, but... I couldn't get through my sock. Good night, everybody.

Oh, what do you know. Jimbo's real name is Corky.

who do you find more attractive-- Tom Cruise or Mel Gibson? What is the point of all this? Your Honor, I feel so confident of Marge Simpson's guilt, that I can waste the court's time by rating the super hunks. Wow, that's confidence.

and wear frilly shirts like Keith Partridge. Keith Partridge? Who huddle! We'll do it! Yeah! Just send a cab for us. Is something wrong with your legs? You're right. The walk will do us good.

Thanks for helping me out. You're a stand-up babe. Hey, check it out. Skinner's mopping the goo off his house! Wait till he finds what I left in his birdbath. No!

Run free, little vermin. The city is yours. And so, as the rats' milk is returned to the sewers-- the circle of life is complete. - Fat Tony, do you have any comment? - I don't get it. Everyone loves rats, but they don't wanna drink the rats' milk?

after Bart somehow put this tattoo on my butt.

All right. Stop it! Oh, this bit's dying. Let's go to the Mad Marge Dancers. Too soon. Oh, I really miss Mom. The kids are saying if you say "Bloody Margie" five times, she'll appear.

Oh, can we keep him, dad, please ? But he's a loser ! He's pathetic ! He's-- A Simpson.

That's 'cause you're a screwup! You're the screwup! Why, you little-- All right! All right! That's it! We're goin' home. I'm sick of you and your stupid tonic! If I hadn't taken that stupid tonic 38 years ago, you'd have never been born and I'd have been happy.

Um, uh, what town did we just crush? Shelbyville.

This is it, Marge. I poured my heart and soul into this business, and now it's finally paying off. We're rich! Richer than astronauts! Homer, quiet! You'll queer the deal. Oh. Right. I reluctantly accept your proposal. Well, everyone always does. Buy him out, boys.

I regret nothing!

Liar! I'll give you the thrashing of a lifetime!

It was this majestic old redwood, which was brutally cut down last night-- not by loggers, but by lightning-- Lightning? Oh! At least it wasn't my fault. Lightning attracted by this metal bucket. Still unknown is the fate of tree-sitter Lisa Simpson.

just let your head flop back and forth. Your neck is a well-cooked piece of asparagus. We interrupt Sadrudin Mabaradad's Yoga Party for this special bulletin--

Go away! There ain't no monorail, and there never was!

Love me, love MacGyver. I guess the wedding's off. Selma, I don't know what to say. just tell me like MacGyver. Very well. I-- I-- I can't do it! Even that car chase seemed tacked on.

Homer, I got a really wicked idea that could get us into a lot of trouble. Oh! Mindy, we have to fight our temptation. No, Homer. Let's do it. Let's call room service! Oh.

The pie shall be cut in two. And each man shall receive... death. I'll eat the pie.

Splendid, Batsy. You've done it again.

Oh, I wouldn't wanna be Mr. T. right now.

Go ahead, Ralphie. The stranger is offering you a treat. Mmm. Oh, Daddy! This tastes like Grandma! Holy Moses! It does taste like Grandma! I want more! Yeah, me too. We'll take a bushel or a pack or-- just give it to me!

Dad, it's in there again! No! It's stuck on my hand! This shouldn't be too hard to fix-- with the right tools.

Please just follow the angel for all your shopping needs!

There's more than one way to lose a tooth. Hey, idiot, you're fat. And your mom's naked on the Internet.

Arnie Pie in the Sky with the morning commute. Traffic this morning is as bad as it gets. Due to a fire at the army testing lab, a bunch of escaped, infected monkeys are roaming the expressway. Despite the sweltering heat, don't unroll your windows, 'cause those monkeys seem confused and irritable.

Maybe a nap will boost my spirits. I'll get that whale song cassette you like, sir. Oh, it's not fair! I know how you feel, Simpson. I've never seen Mr. Burns so depressed. People think because he's rich and powerful and cruel he doesn't have feelings, but he does.

We're all upset about Mr. Burns's plan to block out our sun. It is time for decisive action. I have here a polite but firm letter to Mr. Burns's underlings, who, with some cajoling, will pass it along to him, or at least give him the gist of it.

There! Is that what you want, you smarmy little bastards? We want the truth! You want the truth? You can't handle the truth! No truth-handler, you! Bah! I deride your truth-handling abilities!

Hey, hurry it up with the cards, Lenny. I've got you clocked at two miles per hour. Come on, put that away. Those radar guns give you cancer. All the more reason to hurry up. Hey, what could be going 100 miles per--

Good-bye good-bye my coNey island baby That's my son up there! What, the balding fat-ass? Uh, no, the Hindu guy.

gentlemen." just picture them in their underwear. Whew! Ahh! "Grace under pressure... is no--"

He will fix you up, and by this time tomorrow, we'll all be a happy family. Happy, happy, happy family! Maggie!

My stomach sticks way out in front and my-- Well, as the tree said to the lumberjack, I'm stumped. It's like he just disappeared into fat air. Hey, shut up!

Hello, everybody. Hey, you're back. Did you "rock the casbah"?

Help me, lord! I told you, Flanders has it! Or Moe. Go kill Moe. just give him the doughnut! Once he has it, that will be the end of all this horror! Well, okay. If it'll end horror.

My experiment? You're the one who came up with this whole idea--

So, what do you think of the Lady Krusty mustache-removal system now, Angelique? It's "Krusterrific," johnny Unitas. - But is my upper lip supposed to bleed like this? - Probably. At this rate, you'll be broke in a month.

Who knows what adventures they'll have between now... and the time the show becomes unprofitable?

You want some corn bread, Mr. Jingles? Well, you can forget it. Because I'm gonna kill you!

From now on we'll be spelling everything with letters. Did you wish me to destroy this machine for you? - Nah, just park it. - Very well. And I counted the pennies in the ashtray!

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like... love. Or double-ply windows. They look just like regular windows, but they'll save us four percent on our heating bill. Well, they will.

Lethal Weapon showed us that suicide is funny.

Ooh, a bobby pin!

You and what army?

My dad may have gained a little weight, but he's not some kind of food-crazed maniac. Ah! Oh! That's raspberry. Oh.

This has been a Gracie Films presentation.

I bring you love. Is that the love between a man and a woman, or the love of a man for a fine Cuban cigar? Uh, I bring you love. It's bringing love! Don't let it get away! Break its legs!

I'll do it. To professionalism. Good morning, fellow employee. You'll notice that I am now a model worker.

Oh, I hate this game. Look at all this- the great food, the party, the sunshine! Hard to believe one god came up with all this. Well, there's probably a lot of gods. Yeah. And some ofthem’s gotta be chicks. Yeah, with, like, a thousand boobs.

Marge, I got it all figured out. Lee Harvey Oswald wanted to steal the Jack Ruby! Jack Ruby was a man, not a jewel. (GROANING)

Hmm. This could be useful.

Daddy, are you jealous of Brother Homer? Maybe just a tad, Todd. I'm jealous of girls because they get to wear dresses. One problem at a time, boy.

You showed me everything Oh, you took me by the hand Puppy dogs and Lincoln Logs and castles made of sand You gave me the courage to spread my newborn wings Spread mayonnaise and marmalade And other spreadable things

Mmm. Mmm! These are the juiciest frogs I've ever eaten. Mmm! Ra has rewarded my cruelty to the slaves. It's a plague, you moron! And we got lots more planned.

Now you're making your own alcohol? That's even more illegal than what you were doing before. Remember, honey, we're disobeying an unjust law here. We're patriots, like all those people in jail.

- I'm a human guinea pig. - You mean like medical testing? Yeah. Medical, military, chewin' stuff. - Chewin' stuff? - Yeah. Like you chew on a telephone wire till you get a shock. Oh. Oh, right. Okay.

You're not the time, Kent! You're not the time! Where are we going, Mr. Simpson? I'll tell you where we're not going. Jail! Then you better turn. Uh-oh! Aaah! He's jumping out of the car, Kent!

Mom! Dad! Don't turn on the light! Don't turn on the light! There's a U.F.O. outside my window-- seriously. Oh, Bart. It's just an old golf umbrella stuck in a tree.

What? How dare you! If I find out who this is, I'll staple a flag to your butt and mail you to Iran!

No! All right. I tried. Fortunately, we have a perfectly good Fallout Boy right here. Jiminy jillickers. Jiminy jillickers. Jiminy jillickers! We're shutting down production. Yeah, well, we only have $1,000 left anyway. Ah, there's a $1,000 "leaving town" tax.

That was delightful. Did you see that? That mouse butchered that cat like a hog! Is all TV this wonderful? Um, I'd kind of like to go home now. Like a hog! I-- What? What was that?

I think they want you to play McBain's sidekick in-- brace yourself-- the new McBain movie! McBain's sidekick? Hot damn! I'm going to Sea World! Selma, about you and Troy-- We're not sure he's all he seems.

Homer. Homer, I think I heard a noise.

Loudener. Oh! - Speed-Cocker. - Ooh! I like the sound of that. And this is for shooting down police helicopters.

That way I can turn all these old baseball cards, Disney memorabilia... and antiques into something valuable. Homie, I'm really happy you sold your sculpture. But don't you think it may have been a fluke? Hey, I've always had an interest in art, dating back to my schoolgirl days... when I painted portrait after portrait of Ringo Starr.

Well, if that's gonna be your attitude, I'm not gonna untie you. Ha ! You're gonna have to sometime. Uh-oh. He's right. Don't you worry. I was ready for this little eventuality.

Uh, jacques Strap ? Hey, guys, I'm lookin' for a jacques Strap. What ? Aw, wait a minute. Jacques Strap ? It's you, isn't it, you cowardly little runt ! When I get ahold of you, I am gonna gut you like a fish and drink your blood.

"Dear baby, Welcome to Dumpville. Population: You."

All I need is to look in your eyes So tell me more about your day at the D.M.V. Where to start? Sheila parked in my space again. That Sheila-- She's given you problems before, hasn't she? Oh, yeah. Yeah. I don't care who she's sleeping with.

Ugh. Now let's see if I can remember how's to make my mark. Yeah. Yeah.

Others may find out life isn't fair. In spite of your masters from Bryn Mawr you might end up a baby-sitter to dead-eyed fourth graders while your husband runs naked on a beach with your marriage counselor!

Okay, who's the wise guy?

But we're innocent! It was the man with the braces. Can't you do anything? Surprise witnesses? Evidence tampering? Play the race card. Play it!

Give me back my wife! Okay. Okay. You win. I don't blame you for wanting her back so bad. A woman like that only comes along every couple of miles. Oh. Hey, can we at least keep her till the orgy in San Berdoo? - What do you say, honey? - No!

But it will take more than belly fire to be the next Baryshnikov!

Beer here! I'll take 10. And now, to announce the winners. The award for outstanding animated short... goes to Itchy and Scratchy... for their film Four Funerals and a Wedding.

Yay! Whee! It's a miracle no one was hurt. I stand on my record-- 15 crashes and not a single fatality. Let's see your license, pal. No can do. Never got one. If you need proof of my identity I wrote my name on my underwear. Oh, wait-- these aren't mine.

Maggie, time to go to the--

It's not our fault our generation has short attention spans. We watch an appalling amount of TV. Don't you ever, ever talk that way about television. You lousy, ungrateful can't-keep-their, what-do-you-call-it... minds on any, uh...

It's chili! Oh, my God! I'm missing the Chili Cook-Off! I'm missing the cook-off. It's going on right now, and I'm missing it.

I'll show you! Oh, my.

Hello, I'm Kent Brockman. And I'm teen sensation Britney Spears. And I'm Kent Brockman!

Ladies and gentlemen, Krusty the Clown... was arrested today for massive tax fraud. Krusty's years of tax "avoision" would never have-- What the heck is "avoision"? "AvoisiOn"-- It's a crime. Look it up. Would never have-- "Evasion." "Evasion." I don't say "evasion," I say "avoisiOn."

until my life was saved by this sweet little kitty. Ooh. But as for you, Santa's Little Helper, you are a selfish coward and a bad dog! Get out! And stay out!

He's hurt. Go, go, gol These are Homer's friends and family. They dont want him dead. They just want him to suffer. Thank you, Lord.

Honey, the door blew shut.

Back then you couldn't say "pants" on TV. I was banned for 10 years. Finally I got a second chance on Laugh-In. Hey, Krusty. What do you get when you cross a chicken with a bagel? The ferkachted doors are stuck! Don't just stare, Arte. Help me!

No, Mr. Simpson. Don't take your anger out on me. Get back! Get back! M-Mr. Simpson, no! Marge, kids, everything's gonna be just fine. Now, go upstairs and pack your bags. We're gonna start a new life under the sea.

I could have been the flower girl... and I wouldn't keep falling down either. Hey, they chose Maggie, okay? If you want to go for cutesyness... instead of competence, fine.

Look. I know this has been a stressful holiday. But in a way, having nothing reminds us how lucky we really are. What? We still have each other. And isn't that the best gift of all?

You may remember me from such medical films as Alice Doesn't Live Anymore... and Mommy, What's Wrong with that Man's Face? But Mr. McClure, what is D.N.A.? What the-- Oh, hi, Billy. Let's find out together. D.N.A. is God's recipe for making you.

Good. I must warn you though. This procedure will cost you upwards of... $30,000. I'm afraid it's now 40,000.

- Lois Sanborn. - Steve Bennett. They fight and bite they bite and fight and bite bite, bite, bite fight, fight, fight the itchy and scratchy show

I'd give anything to get into the Stonecutters. What do they do there, Dad? I'm a member. What do they do? What don't they do? Oh, they do so many things, they never stop. Oh, the things they do there. My stars. You don't know what they do there, do you? Not as such, no.

Gee, Homer, this all looks so garish. Oh! The lights, the noise, the letter "X."

I wouldn't want you to have a cow, man! Here's a catchphrase you better learn for your adult years: "Hey, buddy, got a quarter?" I am shocked and appalled. Mr. Flanders, with all due respect, Bart didn't do anything. Do I hear the sound of butting in? It's gotta be little Lisa Simpson,

Milhouse, quick! Look out! Bart! Ow! Mom! Hurry up, Bart!

What do you mean, the bank is out of money? Insolvent? You only have enough cash for the next three customers? Wait a minute! j-j-just a second here! No. No. I don't have your money here. It's in Bill's house a-a-and Fred's house.

Yeah. The way I was headed, it was just a matter of time... before i wound up in front of a judge. What the-- They gave me a choice: jail, the army, or apologizing to the judge and the old lady.

Hmm, I don't know. I guess one person can make a difference, but most of the time they probably shouldn't. Well, uh, I guess that settles that. I'd like to alert our affiliates that we will be ending our show early tonight. join us tomorrow when our topic will be "Religion: Which is the One True Faith ?"

Homer, change channel. Can't. Frozen. One chorus line of people Urge to kill rising.

(GROANS) (GROANS) Now, I must bury my son while you wander the earth forever with the mark of evil upon your face. (CROWD GASPS)

Come here, you butterball. Don't make me run! I'm full of chocolate!

Through there! So, come crawling back, eh? Seems like the classy thing to do would be not to call attention to it.

And the winner is nature's greatest killing machine, man! (BOOING) Show me where in the rulebook it says that a human can't be a robot. Right here. Rule One. Well, then... Join us next week for more inconclusive action on Robot Rumble!

You'll be reunited with your chums, Nelson, jimbo, D-- Oh, dear God! I guess I've always used violence as a way of getting attention. Yes. Yes. Me too. Oh. Aw.

just give him a day or two, and I'm sure he'll be back to his old dynamic self! Okay. Attention, H.O.-scale passengers. The dining car is closed. Root beer is still available, but the cost is now 6.50.

No more living vicariously through my girlfriends.

Morning. Dad, where are your clothes? I don't know. Don't tell me Mom dresses you. I guess. Or one of her friends. Okay. Now we're gonna draw jobs from the chore hat.

Hmm? Oh, God! A bomb! I was just thinking that. Hmm.

j Giri, you were made for me] Ooh, I love this song! J l was made for loving you, baby; J You were made for loving me; J I cant get enough of you, baby-N f Needle Scratches Record] There's a bunch of people in the Community Outreach Center.

It took me years to forge that groove.

Ooh. I don't feel so good. Flanders, you gotta help me!

I have a much uglier word for it, sir: misappropriation.

Simpson, you were going 100 in a 25 zone, and you're not gonna flirt your way out of this one. But I have to get to the airport to save my marriage! Really? Well, why didn't you say so? Let's roll! You didn't work this hard to save my marriage. Again with that. Wake up, Lou. She was way out of your league.

As far as I'm concerned, I have no brother ! Maybe he just said that to make conversation.

For once maybe someone will call me "sir" without adding, "You're making a scene."

Hey, I-- That-- Oh. Gee, I hate to let you down, Casanova, but, uh, no receipt, no return. I'll give you four bucks for it. Very well. I must hurry back to my comic book store, where I dispense the insults rather than absorb them.

Now, Maggie... when you grow up you can suck your pacifier all you want.

Well, aren't you being a tad melodramatic, Ned? Also, I believe Job was right-handed. But, Reverend, I need to know. Is God punishing me? Ooh! Short answer-- yes, with an "if." Long answer-- no, with a "but."

They have a zipper from every James Bond! Why are we even going? Last year, Uncle Tyrone was bitter and depressed. Happy birthday to you Why won't I die? We're staying at the Dayton Arms Hotel.

Someone else has tapped this well. ¡Ay, caramba! Ah, soon that mighty apparatus... will burst forth with its precious fluid.

In the wake of the devastating eruption,

I'm in. Let's see your cards. Oh, I was bluffing. Come to papa! Wait a minute. You have a straight flush, Homer! G'oh! You do this every time, ya-- Oh, you-- Chokin' on my own rage, here.

Swingin' home Capital City ! Yeah !

From now on we use regular toilet paper, not that fancy quilted kind. And only one of you kids can go to college. Fine.

Bart, I'm going to get you-- some ice cream at the store... since I'm saving so much money on diet cola.

Say your prayers, plow boy!

I'd like you to meet-- Aah! It's Sideshow Bob! What the..? I'm afraid their reaction is understandable. Bart is the shamus in short pants who sent me to prison. Your new boyfriend here framed Krusty the Clown... for armed robbery.

Shankar, Shankar-- Oh, here we go. Oh! Sorry. You Make me feel so young you make me feel so Spring has sprung

Mmm! Forbidden doughnut.

So, what was it you wanted to tell me, son ? Oh, nothing, Pop.

But I have seen a lot of movies.

is if you look deep down inside yourself and you find a spot, something you wish wasn't there,

Pretty clever! Oh, something is definitely wrong with this hallway. Come on in! It's your master bedroom! Ow! My nose! Well, I've seen about enough. So, Flanders, what do you think of the house that love built?

Hmm, Krusty Hotline.

One day, my lady Selma's gonna have a star right next to mine, so watch out, Laszlo Panaflex.

Milhouse! Milhouse! Milhouse! Hey, if you want cool, check this out. Everybody if you can do the bartman Shake your body turn it out if you cancan Do the bartman, yeah That is so 1991.

You win your choice of $10,000 Or-- What's our gag prize this week, Bill? A full-grown African elephant. Well, all that money sounds mighty tempting, Marty, but I think I'm gonna have to go with the elephant.

Freeze, goombahs. We're shutting you down, you filthy i-talians. It's Italian-Americans. Right, right. Filthy i-talian-Americans. Gentlemen, if you would simply consult my dear friend Mayor Quimby, I am confident this can be-- Not this time, Fat Tony.

MAN: Talkin' 'bout my generation I hope I die before I get old CALCULATOR: Y? Y? Y?

Coochy coochy coo! Krusty funny. Duh.

With the sun-blocker in place and the town aghast, I was on top of the world.

Don't you ever come near my daughter again! Never have I heard such gratuitous use of the word "butt"! But-- But-- But-- But-- But-- But--

(PANTING) I'm doing it! I'm almost to the top! Hello, self-esteem! Repo man! Ahhh! Ow! (LAUGHS) I love this job.

Not a chance. No one can silence me but me! That arranged can be. Wha-- Aaah! Yes! Fight and struggle. If I know me, he won't like being kicked in the crotch.

You're not listening. You're only hearing what you want to hear. Thanks! I'd love an omelet right about now.

and my gold house and my rocket car,

Most folk'll never lose a toe and then again, Some folk'll Like Cletus the Slack-jawed Yokel Hey. You know what? I could call my ma while I'm up here. Hey, Ma! Get off the dang roof!

C... A... P... uh, I-- - Oh, come to bed, Homey. - Sorry, honey. I'm just a little nervous. Mmm.

Everybody, look at the much needed rain! Thank you, God! Now turn the rainwater into wine!

Goodness, I had no idea. For, you see, I have been on Mars for the last decade... in a cave with my eyes shut and my fingers in my ears. TouchÉ, Cecil.

I've got a special delivery for Homer Simpson. Uh, that's me. Stop stealing golf balls from the driving range.

Breakfast? Cereal? You know I like my breakfast fried or chicken-fried. It's a healthy cereal from Europe. Müeslix! They also make Juice-lix.

Sherri, Terri. The only thing sweeter than you two, are these stolen cookies. Enjoy. (BOTH GIGGLING) Thank you, Nelson. Thank you, Nelson. (SCREAMING)

But this time, he's gone too far! We want Krusty! We want Krusty! We want Krusty! Yeah, we want Krunchy! We want Krunchy!

Right. Let's go to Moe 's

I'm an anonymous whistle blower. I worked on a top-secret project called Operation Hoyvin-Mayvin. Professor Frink? Oh, what gave me away? Out of curiosity, was it the "hoyvin" or the "mayvin"? Or was it the whole "ga-hoyvie" thing that I do?

or Rand McNally, all their water runs backwards?

Oh! Oh, let's put Bart's beautiful drawing up on the fridge. Homer, stop. Would you please look at the drawing? Oh, all right. What a-- Burn it! Send it to hell! I think we're going to have to get Bart some help. Get it away.

Mm-hmm. You bossed around the richest, most powerful guy in town? How come you were a sergeant and he was only a private? Well, he got busted down for obstructing a probe from J. Edgar Hoover. We got stuck with him.

You? What you been up to? Living in fear? Not anymore.

Hurry. Fire him now or I'll disown you. You'll lose everything. The fabulous toys, a lifetime of wealth and luxury, the gift certificate from Blockbuster Video, the freedom to do whatever you want. I'll miss you, Son.

Hey, kid, that's for customers only. Uh, did you know there's a guy outside handing out free Stri-Dex pads? Wow! I'm in pizza-face paradise! Moron.

You're a machine, Homer. Did you hear that, Maggie? Another baby in the house.

This is our final night.

Hawaii? What about Hawaii? Moe? Who's going to Hawaii? Am I going to Hawaii? Stop saying "Hawaii" in there.

Then you can move on to bunion country.

Uh, well, I was born in Indiana. So that ain't it. And, uh-- Hmm. I better call my lifeline. Hello? Hey, Moe. We're watching you on TV! Yeah, I know, Homer. So, how's that bowel obstruction doing?

I spent it on beer. Surprise, surprise. You spent $5,200 on beer?! $5,200?

which he believes gives him sexual powers. Hey, that's a half-truth.

I want a new drug One that won't hurt my head (MAN COUGHING) All right. Here's your medication. Wait a minute. This ain't no pill. It's a corn nut! I got a bottle cap. Mine flew away.

Dr. Zaius, Dr. Zaius This play has everything. Oh, I love legitimate theater. Dr. Zaius, Dr. Zaius I hate every ape I see From chimpan-A to chimpan-Z

Yes! With my bills paid off, I can finally quit this lousy job. But, Homer, how are you gonna make a living? Don't worry about Homer J. I've got a plan. A plan that'll fix you good. Hey, what did we do? Sorry. That just slipped out. I'll miss ya.

Don't worry. I am well protected. Boy, when Lisa comes in, I want you to make a big fuss over how she looks. She'll see through me like Grandma's underpants.

Bring it on! Please, gentlemen. Violence is not the answer. Then what is? Some sort of death race? That's what I would do. Very well, viejo. You shall have your death race. But-- Death race?

Seems like I'm spending all my money on religious pay-per-view. Or, as I like to call it, "pray-per-view." Damn your sparkling wordplay! And bless your humble home.

Hey! Look at that! Oh, good Lord! I'm so sorry. I saw everything. Oh, my heart's beating like crazy. Mine too! Just like back in that hayloft.

Soup's on ! Hurry up, or it'll get that icky skin on the top. Ooh, I hate that icky soup skin. Okay, right after dinner it's down to business. Mmm. Marge, would you get me another beer, please ? In a second, Homer. Lisa has some good news.

I oughta replace it right now with that Chinese cartoon... where the robots turn into blingwads! But I'm a lazy, lazy man, Roger. So I'll give you one more chance.

and the diplomatic climate turned absolutely frosty. Oops. Let's pretend we didn't see that. And Bart's childish taunting agitated the Aussies further.

Roll on, roll on, alpha tau tau... Bow-wow-wow-wow wow-wow-wow...

Oh, you must be sick. Let's see. What's old Doc Washburn prescribe? Do you have dropsy? The grippe? Scrofula? The vapors? jungle rot? Dandy fever? Poor man's gout? Housemaid's knee? Climatic poopow? The staggers? Dum-dum fever?

Hi! Are you interested in a subscription to the Shopper? Low introductory rates! No, you gotta help ol' Gil. What's it gonna take to keep you on the phone? Dance for ya? But you wouldn't even see it. YOu-- All right. I'm dancin'!

Whoop! I can see everything, and they're none the wiser. Oh?

Ah, that little punk. I'll teach him some manners! No, Dad! He wants you to blow your horn. Oh. That little punk!

Aw, no! The corn! Paul Newman's gonna have my legs broke. Bart and Lisa have to go to school...

That woman is taking advantage of you. And we need you to do things around here. The oven light is out. And you never finished filling up the aquarium. Marge, I can't say "no" to a helpless old lady. They put spells on you.

I don't have such a good memory since I drank my thermometer. But I whittles what I sees. (BANJO MUSIC PLAYING)

Thank you. Thank you.

We are happy We are merry We are happy We are merry We got a rhyming dictionary We got a rhyming dictionary - Sound off - One, two - One more time ! - Three, four Bring it on home now ! One, two, three, four One, two, three, four

Um, can you repeat the part of the stuff... where you said all about the... things? Uh, the things?

Pull, Duchess, pull! Um, uh, what town did we just crush? Shelbyville.

he clEans the world

Spring forth, burly protector, and save me!

I'll find religion. I'll be good sometimes. Let go of my leg. No!

One show only. Tickets will go fast, very fast. So your parents should be getting in line. If you don't come, Roofi will be sad. And the helpful bear, she will die! (COUGHING) Tickets, tickets buy them now

Hey-hey! Hey-hey! Hey-hey! Hey-hey-- Hey hey-- So hot. So sticky. Marge? I'm back here.

Oh, you wanna rock fight, eh? No, Homer, I just need to talk. Okay. Be right down. I just keep replaying the whole thing in my head. I can't believe my last words to Maude were, "No foot-longs."

You trash-eatin' stink bags! Uh-oh. What did you call us? I don't know. A lot of people were yelling stuff. Yeah, you called us "trash-eating stink bags." Didn't you learn anything from Love Day? That was yesterday, moron. Good news, everyone. I got in a fight with the garbagemen,

I feel that you should shut up. You know, you really irritate me, Skinner. What with your store-bought haircut and excellent posture. - Mister, I can't stand the sound of your voice. - Oh, really? Oh, now, now. There's no need to resort to violence. Aw, sure there is.

Okay. Whatever takes my mind off my life.

You personally stand to lose 44 million dollars. Oy! Bart, from now on, the baby sleeps in the crib. Crib! Crib! I'm a baby! All right, I know how to handle this.

Oh, that's wonderful! And look-- new hair! I'm this close to having a comb-over. Oh!

How's the dog supposed to get in? Well, he just goes... Ohh! Oh, Woodrow, how could you stand me up? Mrs. K., you don't need him.

You're, uh-- You're right, Sergeant.

(SHERRI GIGGLES) Lisa has a big butt. (CHANTING) Lisa has a big butt. Shut up! I do not!

You think you can do it?

Oh, Lisa, you've asked for that for the last three years, and I keep telling you Santa can't fit a pony into his sleigh. Can't you take a hint ? But I really want a pony, and I've been really, really good this year. Oh, dear. Maybe Bart is a little more realistic. A tattoo ? A what ?

Doh ! Whoo ! Doh ! Whoo ! Doh ! Whoo ! Doh ! Whoo ! Doh ! Whoo-hoo ! Doh ! Whoo-hoo ! Doh ! Whoo-hoo ! Whoo-hoo !

The story of our national parks begins in 1872. Perhaps we should let john Muir tell the tale.

Hey. What the hell is that geek Flanders doing on TV? Oh, I see by the big board we got a Negative Nellie in Sector 2. I'm afraid I'm gonna have to ask the whole family to kind of freeze... and prepare for re-Neducation. Don't you remember, Dad? Flanders is the unquestioned lord and master of the world.

What's wrong with this phone? It's making crazy noises. Those crazy noises are computer signals. Some guys at M.I.T. are sending us reasons why Captain Picard is better than Captain Kirk. Ha! They're out of their minds.

Well, you are a very lucky man, Apu. You see, the bullet ricocheted off another bullet... that was lodged in your chest from a previous robbery. Apu, you saved my life. And as a small token of my appreciation, I got you your job back at the Kwik-E-Mart. Oh! Oh, Mr. Woods, you're--

I was making a Monte Cristo sandwich when my crisper cut out. It's not golden brown, it's not brown, it's not nothing. Dang! Oh!

What do we want? More equitable treatment in the hands of management! When do we want it? Soon! Where's my burrito? Where's my burrito? Where's my burrito? Ow!

Eh, lousy speed bumps. Ooh! Whoa! Hey! Oh, this coffee's too hot! Hey, kids, wanna drive through that cactus patch? Yeah!

Which one's the mouse? Itchy. Itchy's a jerk. Yeah.

You monster! (SCREAMING) We placed a compliance chip in the back of your neck during the company physical.

Mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm. I really did it once. Yes, yes. I just wish you had the power to leave my store.

Freedom, love and peace.

Well ? - Don't people answer the door these days ? - Allow me, sir. Open up ! Open up ! Mr. Burns ! Oh, w-would you like to come in ?

I know now what I can offer you that no one else can: complete and utter dependence. Homer, that's not a good thing. Are you kidding? It's a wondrous, marvelous thing. Marge, I need you more than anyone else on this entire planet... could possibly ever need you.

This gets uglier every year. Any sign of Bart and Milhouse? No. And if they don't get here soon, it'll be T.S. for them.

Someone's in here. No! No! No! Oh! - Oh, for the love of-- - Boy. I've never seen a man so desperate to get out of five minutes of calisthenics. One, two, three, four. Up, down, three, four.

It contains a very rare Mary Worth... in which she has advised a friend to commit suicide, thank you. Are you there, God? It's me, Bart Simpson.

How can you like that guy? I don't know. Maybe 'cause he's an outlaw. You know that dead body they found behind the mayor's house? jimbo killed him? No, but he poked him with a stick. Hey, Laura, Dr. Tongue has arrived.

Oh, no ! Two hundred and thirty nine pounds ? I'm a whale. Why was I cursed with this weakness for snack treats ? Well, from now on, exercise every morning, Homer.

Ow! And in 1984, Portugal's Carlos Lopez... becomes the oldest Olympic marathon winner ever... at age 38. Thirty-eight! That's roughly my age.

but how could you lie to me and the sponsors? Because you fell in love with me as a woman, and I didn't want to lose you. But now I'm asking you, not as Veronica, but as the man I am, Leslie Robin Swisher. Patty, will you marry the real me?

Coming up next: Stardust Mammaries. Baby - I Ay, caramba ! Bart ! Dad ! Oh, here's what I was looking for. Blue chips closed up three and three-quarters. Oil service stocks slumped slightly on the news of--

What the hell are you talking about? You're a lifesaver, Homer. I can't deal with these hard-core fans.

f Ned 's Voice f Being quiet during trips... clapping with songs, and diabetes. Sounds like fun. Let's party! w'w' f Eiectronic Music]

Huh. The internet King. i wonder if he can provide faster nudity. Welcome to the Internet, my friend. How can I help you? I'm interested in upgrading my 28.8 kilobaud Internet connection... to a 1.5 megabit fiber-optic T1 line. Will you be able to provide an I.P. router... that's compatible with my token ring Ethernet LAN configuration?

Oh, good Lord! What a week! Excuse me, sir. Yes? I'd like to buy all these toys for some needy children. Is this enough dirty, dirty money? Why, it most certainly is!

Oh, I can't take it anymore!

I don't like the idea of Milhouse having two spaghetti meals in one day.

Wow! The Concert for Bangladesh.

Canadian bacon. Mexican bacon! And a mouthwatering veal chop. Oh, no. Now I'm Dad! Oh, and I'm at a stupid, boring ballet!

Actually, Mom, a tweaking of Mr. Burns's foibles, if done with the greatest of care, could earn Dad a special place in the old man's heart. Well, I also do a delightful impression of him. I paint a frowny face on my butt and pull down my pants! Yeah!

Now can we do something japanese? Oh, I'm sick of doing japanese stuff. In jail we had to be in this dumb Kabuki play about the 47 Ronin, and I wanted to be Yoshi, but they made me Ori. Then we had to do two hours of origami, followed by flower arranging and meditation.

Oh! They won't let you have any fun. Well! If it isn't the leader of the wiener patrol...

the Teddy bears have their picnic.

You don't like me? I like you. You do?

You're so good, I fired the other writers. From now on, the fate of the entire company rests on that delightful coconut of yours. Oh, no! We're all doomed!

Modern Wench magazine dubbed me "Anne of the child-bearing hips." Yes. Wide hips indeed.

that's completely off-the-wall and swarming with magic robots? That's right. Yeah, good.

Commence bio-duplication.

Don't have a stereotypical view of me just because I'm your mother. I know. How about we play the basketball? I'm no Harvey Globetrotter, but-- Watch out for the Shaq attack. Ow! I told you to watch out.

As long as you're here annoying me, let's have a brainstorming session. And here's how it works. Lisa, you say one thing, then Bart, you say another. just toss out things and I'll use my inventive mind... to combine them into a brilliant, original idea. Okay. Um-- Automatic-- Butt.

Quiet. You're breaking character.

Hello, gov'nor. Lube job while you wait? Don't touch me.

Now say, "I am Homer Simpson, the lowly dog." In a dog voice. I am Homer Simpson. Oh, good. Jump, Homer. Jump. What's going on in here? Absolutely nothing, Marge.

I got the runs. Hey, get away from that! Leave him alone! It said I was gay!

Hey, Mr. Burns, did you get that letter I sent? Letter? I don't recall-- That's because I forgot to stamp it!

AUTOMATED VOICE: Intruder detected. Calling local police. (DIALING) Line busy, shutting down.

Hello, UN Women's Conference! (EXCLAIMS) We're trapped! Lisa, we may not make it.

You seem to have a prescription for success.

I keep telling ya. I just grow sorghum here.

There! Pretty as a picture. Ach! Zombies!

- You're being completely paranoid. - Oh, am I? Am I really? Aha! Hello. All right, pal, where'd you get the sugar for that tea? I nicked it when you let your guard down for that split second. And I'd do it again. Good-bye. Do you see, Marge? Do you see?

Oh, we got Willie. Come on out so we can give you a medal. Way to go, Officer. Willie, stop! Away with ya. I got to finish him off while I'm still temporarily insane!

Blah, blah, blah... Moses!

No! My Spine-O-Cylinder! They'll pay for what they did to my can! Forget it, Homer. It's Chiro-town.

So did you boys have a good time? Yeah. Mr. Simpson was really funny. He told us how the world keeps screwing him over. Yeah. Well, how was the concert? Well, sir, I've never heard a preacher use the M-F word so many times. Anyway, thanks again.

Oh, Homie, I think I'm going to be sick.

Yeah-- Ooh! He can't talk now.

I'm so embarrassed, I wish there was a hole I could just crawl into and die. Okay, throw her in the hole.

Ow! My hairstyle. Not again. Good-bye, cruel world. Hello, ironic twist.

Now, let's clear this up. Who exactly are you? Sergeant Seymour Skinner, U.S. Army. it's true. i was in his platoon. But they said you were killed on that scouting mission. No, just captured. It's kind of a funny story, really. After five years in a secret P.O.W. camp,

Stop! Wait! Wait! Attendez! I cannot get the lid off my jar of rainbows! Who will help me? You, sir? But I cannot help you.

She says you're a bad influence. Bad influence, my butt! Never listen to your mother.

Out of the way. This is one invention you're not getting credit for, you inspiration hog. Your electric hammer, maestro? Invent your way out of this, Edison! Hmm?

Flanders ! I don't blame you for being upset with me, Homer. I just wanted to give you this letter. I'll leave now.

Homer, that's just to bite on, not to eat. Sorry. Give me one that doesn't taste so good. That was rubber covered in Vaseline! Marge, write that down so we can have it at home. We can't begin his treatment soon enough. (MACHINE WHIRS) (ELECTRICAL CRACKLING) (SCREAMS)

- What's the matter, boy ? - Nothing. You haven't said boo all night. Usually I have to wrestle the bucket out of your greasy mitts. Dad, I'm in love. Uh-oh ! Why don't you grab yourself a beer, boy. But, Dad, I don't drink. Cut the crap ! "I just collect the cans, Daddy." Now grab yourself a beer and get me one too.

How do you get this thing to play blackjack? Stop that. You're hurting it. So how's it supposed to work? Well-- Boring! Am I on the Internet? No, you can only access the-- Boring! What's that fire for? The hard drive is crashing at an alarming speed! No more pictures!

When she sees you'll do anything she says, she's bound to respect you.

Don't worry. I brought my "Rappin' Ronnie Reagan" tape. It always makes the trip go faster. Well, well, well W-W-W-W-W-W-well, well, well You know something? He did say "well" a lot.

Moe, Moe... Moe... Moe, Moe... Moe.... Moe, Moe...

Welcome to your new home. Escape is impossible. My name is Cesar. This is my nephew, Ugolin. You may find life here at the chateau hard, but if you shut up and do exactly what we say, the time will pass more quickly. - He's right, you know. - Well, okay, sir.

Ah, no problem, guys. The important thing is that we wrapped up all the loose ends.

Homer worries Bart is gay Poochie, U2, NRA Hippies, Vegas and Japan Octuplets and Bart's boy band Marge murmurs, Maude croaks Lisa Buddhist, Homer tokes Maggie blows Burns away What else do I have to say They'll never stop The Simpsons

but those games cost up to, and including, $70.

Wow, now, that's something! Boo-yah! Wow, you must've told a whopper to unload that death trap.

By now you've seen what Rancho Relaxo has to offer but remember, we can't tell you how to have a good time. You have to tell us. Oh. As I said to Delores Montenegro in Calling All Quakers...

I haven't been in a play since high school, and I thought it would be a good chance to meet some other adults. Sounds interesting. You know, I spend all day alone with Maggie, and sometimes it's like I don't even exist.

I used to take out ads like that when we were newlyweds. The only ad you took out was to sell our lawn mower. We sold it, didn't we?

Come on! Leave town! No. - I'll be your friend. - No. Oh, you're mean. The following neighborhood residents... will not be killed by me: Ned Flanders, Maude Flanders. Oh, isn't that nice? Homer Simpson, Marge Simpson,

Come on, come on, come on, come on. Start, damn you! Start!

Any red-blooded, flag-feeding American would love... the M-320. Celebrate the independence of your nation by blowing up a small part of it. All right.

You lucky son of a... Want to go bowling Sunday? Are you nuts? That's the Super Bowl. How about the Sunday after that? Ma's coming in from Norway but what the hell.

All students please proceed immediately to an assembly... in the Butthead Memorial Auditorium. Damn it, I wish we hadn't let the students name that one. Children, the times they are a-becoming quite different. Test scores are at an all-time low,

Prepare for the end! The end of high prices! What?

Wow. Tough glass. I still say ours is bigger. Our speed bumps are stronger too. i don't know, Simpson. How do i know you didn't cut your own brakes?

Heh-heh-heh. Good. You are a senile, buck-toothed old mummy... with bony girl arms, and you smell like-- - An elephant's butt ? - Hee-hee. An elephant's butt. But he's your boss. Do you have to mail it right this minute ?

They must think people will watch anything. Live from New Orleans, this is the World Series of Cockfighting. Oh, son of a gun, we'll have big fun on the bayou tonight. We'd get there quicker if I drove my dad's car. I don't know, Davey. - Aren't you ready for church, Homer ? - Huh ? Wha--

We played Dungeons and Dragons for three hours. Then I was slain by an elf. Listen to yourself, man. You're hangin' with nerds. You take that back! Homer, please. These boys sound very nice, but they're clearly nerds. Really? But nerds are my mortal enemy.

Come on! Come on! Time to get up! We wanna go to Duff Gardens! Time to go to Duff Gardens! Oh, great. Dad's dead.

Well, better drink some coffee.

Damn crappy nails! Super glue, my butt! D'oh! You bas..! Hit it..! Shot..! D'Oh! Homer? What is it, Flanders? I'm afraid I have a bone to pick with you. If it's about your camcorder, I lost it, okay?

Well, i guess no one else wants a T-shirt. That's a damn lie, and you know it! Gimme a shirt! You heard him, girls. Hey, T-shirt, T-shirt, T-shirt. Fire! Ooh, a bobby pin!

Okay, that's it. Both of you go to your rooms and spank yourselves. Lazy father. Can't even spank his own kids. Homer, you can't punish the children just because you can't come up with an idea. I don't see why not. They're my kids. I own 'em.

The Itchy and Scratchy Show Tee one up for me, cat-ty. Sure thing, mous-y. Nice follow-through.

Hey, jackass! Your voice sounds familiar! I don't hear an alarm. Let's take stuff. Whoa! Isn't that stealing? No, it's just looting. Sweet. Let's go nuts.

Don't worry. Mr. Hutz is still here to take care of us. Don't touch my stuff! Hey. This isn't the Y.M.C.A.

Welcome to Springfield Elementary Casino Night. My fee for this evening goes to victims of my criminal recidivism. So relax, have fun and please God don't piss me off. Congratulations, Mr. Student Body President.

Hallelujah! I've done it again! Ned, you're supposed to overpower her.

Oh, what are you gonna do, call your godfather, huh?

Well, uh... Why? You haven't paid your rent. Can I at least get my stuff? All I found in there was a jar of mustard and a couple of old Cycle magazines. Wow! I had mustard?

Hey. It's Gary Coleman. But the menu said "galaxy of prawns." Three prawns are hardly a galaxy. What do you mean your hands are tied? Let me talk to Mr. Quan. I want to see how this turns out. The phone's not even plugged in. All right. You listen to me, Quan.

Oh, nothing, dear. I'm just trashing your father. Well, I wish you wouldn't... because aside from the fact that he has the same frailties as all human beings, he's the only father I have. Therefore, he is my model of manhood, and my estimation of him will govern the prospects of my adult relationships.

I used to be "with it." But then they changed what "it" was. Now what I'm with isn't "it," and what's "it" seems weird and scary to me. It'll happen to you!

Bart ! Bart ! Bart ! Bart ! Bart ! Bart ! Bart ! Bart ! Hoo, hoo, hoo, hoo, hoo, hoo, hoo, hoo !

f Wind Whistling f Oh, yeah. Are you gonna buy those toads orjust lick 'em? Lick 'em. Go away. Ah. Thanks for the donation, Mr. Simpson. Do you feel okay?

Hey! I thought I told you to stop licking my windows. I know. You told me.

I guess it's not all bad. I propose to determine the answer to the question: Is my brother dumber than a hamster? Hey, Lise, look what I can do. Doggone it.

Try lighting it on fire. Hmm?!

And instead of chasing a rabbit, the dogs chase a diploma.

It's working. Aaah! Leeches! Aaah! Uh-oh.

20, 40, 60, 80, 4. 20, 40, 60, 80, 500.

I'm gonna get you again tomorrow, Simpson. Is 3:15 good for you ? Uh, not really. Too bad. Oh, no. Oh, man, that guy's tough to love.

And she also knew if a rhino sees a flame,

Oh, thank God! He's alive! You wouldn't believe what happened to me! I tried to do what you told me to, but I don't even know what happened. (CLUTTERING)

Don't look at me. I wanted to eat him. Sorry. It's usually the mother. You know, I run a small academy for lobsters like this one. We stress tough love-- daily chores and the like. No. We're not sending the lobster away to some snobby boarding school.

The opportunity to prove yourself a hero is long gone.

Havin' my baby What a lovely way to say how much you love me Nearer my God to thee Nearer to thee Oh, perfume !

Five minutes, people. Now, Miss Simpson, I hope we won't have a repeat... of yesterday's outburst of unbridled creativity.

What you making there, Gravey? It's a pipe bomb, Jobriath, for to blow up Planned Parenthood. I don't know, Gravey. I'm sick of your lack of faith. Hmm?

Yo, empty the register, dude. Okay, okay, you are the boss. Silent alarm activated! Oh, that's it! No cops in sight. If I'm gonna save that clerk, I'm gonna have to take the law into my own hands again.

I've only got one chance. I've got to knock him out. Hang in there, Homer! Only 440 more seconds.

Somebody check the men's room for a huge ass. I'm Hugh jazz. Telephone. This is Hugh jazz. Uh... hi. Who's this? Bart Simpson. What can I do for you?

Dear friends, 41 years ago... God took 168 pounds of clay, and he made me a woman... and for this, I thank him. I just wanted to say... on the advice of my new husband... I've decided to give up smoking...

Smithers, coffee.

Who needS the kwik-e-mart

Yep. Why would that Twinkle want to go out with a Ding Dong like me? Flanders, I mix Twinkies and Ding Dongs all the time. In Europe, they call it a "Dinkie." Well, sir, that's very encouraging...

using these Lucky Charms as bait.

No thanks to you, Homer. Why, you little-- Now, Homer, please. The boy's just had a very serious operation. Oh, right.

Ahoy there, Dean. I understand you're taking suggestions from students, eh? Well, me and my fourth-form chums think it would be quite corking... if you'd sign over your oil well to the local energy concern. Mr. Burns. Bah! It was naive of you to think I would mistake this town's...

If you need proof of my identity I wrote my name on my underwear. Oh, wait-- these aren't mine. Until you get a license and wear your own underwear you are suspended without pay. Who will drive the bus? I drove an all-terrain vehicle in Da Nang. I think I can handle it.

Looks like the Flanders are having a nice Christmas. Oh, yeah? We'll show 'em. Come on, kids. Pretend we got new cross-country skis.

Oh, Apu, it's beautiful. Yes. This is where I come when I need some refuge from the modern world... or when I want to see drive-in movies for free. I know it is not easy to be a vegetarian, Lisa. That's why I ran away from home. What? She's leaving home? Wow! Paul McCartney!

I know. Doesn't it just honk you off? Their periodic table has 250 elements. And our school board's cut us back to 16. All of them lanthanides. You know, we could get equipment like this through a bond issue. Hmm. Here's your bond issue.

Shut it off. They're losers. Where you been? The Isotopes are on fire. Yeah, that sniper at the all-star game was a blessing in disguise. Now we're in the championship game. Championship? Hmm. Whoo! 'Topes rule! Well, here's a die-hard fan.

Mmm. Somehow, Homer became addicted to painkillers.

D'oh! Think unsexy thoughts. Think unsexy thoughts. Well, this is my floor. See you tomorrow! Ah, home to my loving family.

I don't know, 50?

But I'm going to have to ask for a thousand-dollar retainer. A thousand dollars? But your ad says, "No money down." Oh, they got this all screwed up. So you don't work on a contingency basis?

You poor little boy! Ah, no. He'll be fine. He's always gettin' himself stuffed into this or that. Is that normal? Yeah, he's just playing Wiggle Puppy.

Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! I don't understand it. That was nonalcoholic champagne. Well, Homer, I guess you're the winner by default. "De fault"! Whoo-hoo!

It takes the genius of Carl Reiner and the rhythm and timing that only he and I-- Sir, today every country has a national anthem. Did they have national anthems 2,000 years ago? Sure. Sure we had. Of course we was caves. But every cave had a national anthem. I'll never forget my cave's national anthem. What was that national anthem?

Dad, I'm sorry you're hurt, but you left me no choice. You were obnoxious at a level not even permitted in show business! Do you know the hours I worked? The people I had to yell at? The tires I had to slash? No one asked you to yell and slash!

Boy, things are going really good. Good, good, good, good, good, good, good!

Hmm. What happens if I press this button? (HOMER YELPS) Sorry, sorry, sorry! (CLICKING) (EXCLAIMS IN FRUSTRATION)

Hello, Mr. Chipmunk. You're a northern reticulated chipmunk. Yes, you are. You are so reticulated.

And for that, no adoption! Mama!

Baby, baby, baby, baby-

Bed goes up. Bed goes down. Hey, hey! Hey, what's the matter?

Kids, would you step outside for a second? F-- Dear Lord! That's the loudest profanity I've ever heard.

What's wrong? Oh, yeah, like you don't know. - We're gonna have sex. - Oh. Well, we don't have to. Yes, we do. The cookie told me so. Well, desserts aren't always right.

Hey, America, you're So fine. You're so fine, you bLow my mind. America. Well, that's very concise, but it's an insult to everything I suffered for. Now, take a seat, junior, and listen to someone... who gave their youth in service of their country.

Oh, about 40, I suppose. When are we going on the air? We're on the air now, Skeletor. What? Question two: How long is your wiener? Seriously. Great heavens! What kind of Radiola show is this? All right, how about this? When was your first gay experience? Oh, well, when I was six, my father took me on a picnic. That was a gay old time.

All right, young 'uns, bath time. Cover up your eyes and drop your britches. Who wants wax? Me!

Skinner, get off of my school! No. You get off of my school.

Well, we have an opening on the debate team. Debate, like arguing ? Yes. I'll take that, you stinkpot !

Oh, mercy. Seriously, though, before we draw up the budget,

Okay. Now, everyone take out your safety pencil and a circle of paper. This week I hope we can finish our work on the letter "A." Let me get this straight. We're behind the rest of our class, and we're going to catch up to them by going slower than they are? Cuckoo! Cuckoo! Cuckoo! Cuckoo! Cuckoo!

Boys all paid attention to me and it drove my friends crazy. Oh, who were your friends? Oh, Zelda Fitzgerald,

Your time is up. This is for Snowball I and JFK! Ow! Cool. Dad, do you realize what you've done? You've created a world without death. Does this mean they'll never cancel the Jim Belushi Show?

Oh, don't make me choose. Shankar, Shankar-- Oh, here we go. Oh! Sorry. You Make me feel so young you make me feel so Spring has sprung

Whoo! Whoo! Ee-eew. Lisa, the blob has got me! Don't touch me, or it'll get you too! Dad, you have to put chlorine in the water every day to keep it clean.

- That's better. - Man, if this is happening here, I hate to think what's happening in Euro Itchy and Scratchy Land. Hello! Itchy and Scratchy Land, open for business.

Whew! All this computer hacking is making me thirsty. I think I'll order a Tab.

(ON VOICE SYNTHESIZER) I live here now. You're looking at the new owner of the Little Caesars down the street. Pizza, pizza. Pizza, pizza. Pizza, pizza. Pizza, pizza. Sorry, that button sticks. So why didn't you invite me? We couldn't tell you ahead of time because you'd spill the beans. I wouldn't ruin a surprise for Lenny.

Come along and bring the family

Dear Lord, look at that blimp! He's hanging from a balloon! Marge, uh, can we not land here? Honey? Baby doll?

The shampoo specifically said, "No more tears." A lovely promise but one beyond the powers of a mere shampoo. There's something you're not telling me. Perhaps you'd talk to Snappy the alligator?

Come home, Lassie. Here, boy. Come on, girl. Attaboy.

Marge Simpson. Homer, it's you! I thought I'd never see you again. You were wrong. Dead wrong. Do you have to talk like that? No, not really.

You've cut back on everything-- salaries, supplies, the food. I don't care what you say. I can taste the newspaper. Posh! Shredded newspapers add much needed roughage and essential inks. Besides, you didn't notice the old gym mats. There's very little meat in these gym mats. Our demands are very reasonable.

Destroy! Destroy!

No, children, you're not seeing things. This, my little friends, is a schwa. Aah !

Homer, you know how unpredictable the French are. One minute they're kissing a woman's hand, the next, they're chopping off her head.

Dig this blender Rainbow suspenders Hey, big spender We surrender Spend Some dough at table three

You probably do this all the time. This whole family is built on a tissue of lies and romance. Yeah, it's a tissue covered in blood and boogers! Would you two just shut up! Sure, we lied. We lied so we could spend a single night as a married couple without worrying about you kids. Those days are over. Give it up.

Hey, what happened here? Uh, he was drinking at Harrigan's bar down the street there. They oughta close that dump down. Yeah. That was a close call. We took this much out of you.

(INSTRUMENTS PLAYING) (PLAYING DIFFERENT TUNE)

Homie, maybe we should go inside. But, Marge, that little guy hasn't done anything yet. Look at him. He's gonna do something, and you know it's gonna be good. Aw.

Watch your step! Don't panic! By going down the ladder, you're agreeing not to sue! Oh! Oh! Head... burning.

Oh, no! We're out of gas. I couldn't figure out this stupid Italian gas gauge. I've gotta get to school! Hmm. Let's hitch a ride with that hick.

One Chorus line of people dancing till they make us stop two Many dancing people covered with blood, gore and glop

From now on, you'll be, uh, Homer Thompson at Terror Lake.

I want it. I want it. I want it! - Look! It's Lisa Lionheart! - Keep running. We're almost there.

so he can be rehabilitated and get a second chance. No, no. He's fine. Go on, Mojo. Show Marge your happy dance. And so on.

Hmm. Mrs. Simpson! You did not pay for this bottle of Colonel Kwik-E-Mart's Kentucky Bourbon.

I'm watching the road, sweetie. "You jive turkey!" See? You got to sass it. "Quit jivin' me, turkey!" You got to sass it.

They'd been given rifles, but no ammunition. Dad, look! Television! Teacher! Mother! Secret lover. Urge to kill fading.

Dad! What's your problem, veggie? You don't even eat lobster. No, but I enjoy the smell. Lobster or no lobster, this is still a very special dinner. Ta-da, ta-da, ta-da! Lisa broke her own record by two whole pluses. Mom! Where did you get that? It just turned up in the course of my daily rummaging.

But I'm not gonna take it! Who's with me? I am! I am! We're here! We're queer! We don't want any more bears! We're here! We're queer! We don't want any more bears!

That quilt was made by my grandmother! So... it cost you nothing. Shut up! You two are not only horrible parents, you're violent criminals.

And a-one, and a-two... You're the birthday You're the birthday You're the birthday boy or girl...

just because he's overweight doesn't mean he's bad. He's a sweet man, and he has real feelings. What are you kids lookin' at? Hey, look. He's tryin' to get up to yell at us. Don't make me close that shade! Hey, Homer.

appears to have turned its rage on the Leftorium. Surprisingly, people are grabbing things with both hands, suggesting it's not just southpaws in this rampaging mob. Ohh! Start looking in the back. Meantime, Springfield bowlers will be happy to hear... that the Bowlarama is back in business at its new location,

Folks, our winner seems to be from Italy. I love-a you all. I use up all of my English. Grazie, Springfield! He's a phony!

- My name's Thelonious. - As in Monk? Yes. The esoteric appeal is worth the beatings.

The cafeteria staff is complaining about the mice in the kitchen. I want to hire a new staff.

Bart! No! What? Sorry. Force of habit. Lisa! No!

I didn't do it.

Homer, do you have any plans for after graduation ? Me ? I'm gonna drink a lot of beer and stay out all night ! No, I meant career-wise. You know, that nuclear power plant will be opening soon. It's one of the few outfits around that won't require a college education. Me in a nuclear power plant.

I'll miss you too, Homey.

"But the great thing is after thousands of years "of holding on and fighting they finally made it." End quote. I never heard the plight of my people phrased so eloquently. Was that Rabbi Hillel? Nope. Judah the Pious? Maimonides? The Dead Sea Scrolls! I'm afraid not, Rabbi.

Now does this hurt? just a simple yes or no.

One: Where's the fife? And two: Give me the Fife.

I love you. I love glue! I love you! Aw! Such a sweet little thing. Time to destroy your future. Feeling flu-ish, fever, nausea, child germs.

You kiddin'? Look. He painted a unicorn in outer space. I'm asking you. What's it breathing? Air. Ain't no air in space. There's an air and space museum. Oh, God! My back!

All right. Three hours to blast my quads. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa.

synthesizing a laxative from peas and carrots; replacing my birth control pills with Tic Tacs.

Oh! Let's not and say we did. Hmm? So, what time does this play start? Why? Are you going? Well, I gotta go, don't I? I'm sure you won't enjoy it. There's nothing about bowling in the play. Oh, wait, there is. Probably not much of it. Why can't you be a little more supportive?

Thirteen stores that begin with "Le Sex."

I'll twist this bottle in your face Aaah! Hallelujah! I've done it again! Ned, you're supposed to overpower her. I'm trying. I'm trying.

And nipple piercing. Dont worry. They're clip-ons. Behold the delightful unicorn I got at the face-painting pavilion. Dude, that was a tattoo parlor.

What's this? "Extremely high voltage." Well, I don't need safety gloves, because I'm Homer Simp--

He's happy just being another blue-collar bozo.

My Funny Family, take one! And... action! Honey, I'm home. The boss is coming to dinner, and I need a clean shirt. I haven't done the laundry yet. Mamma mia! Now I'll have to do it!

What's that, Sideshow Bob ? This is Brittany and today's her birthday ? Well, happy birthday, Brittany ! How do you want to celebrate ? Do you want me to sing you a birthday song ? Or do you want me to shoot Sideshow Bob out of a cannon ?

Noooooo! Samantha, you're my little girl and sometimes my imagination runs away with me. just tell me what happened. Milhouse and I... That's enough! I'm putting you in an all-girl school. You're never going to see that boy again. Milhouse! Samantha!

Dad, wake up! What? I think a hurricane is coming! Oh, Lisa! There's no record of a hurricane ever hitting Springfield. Yes, but the records only go back to 1978, when the hall of records was mysteriously blown away.

You have to cut these six-pack holders up, otherwise fish get trapped in them. I see. Ha-ha!

Did you send those thousand roses to Bea Arthur's grave? Yes, but she's still-- I don't want to hear the end of any sentences! George Carlin on three. Yeah! Lawsuit? Oh, come on! My "seven words you can't say on TV" bit was entirely different... from your "seven words you can't say on TV" bit!

an entire Simpsons episode every week?" For the answer to this, we went straight to the source. Get outta my office! Of course, what Matt meant to say,

Hello, police? Can you send a SWAT team... to 742 Evergreen T-- Forget it, Simpson. Those pig noises you made really hurt my feelings. Lookin' like a pig as I do. But you have so much inner beauty. Well, uh, be that as it may, uh, the gang is wanted in eight other states.

I've been everywhere, man I've been everywhere Travel, I've done my share, man I've been everywhere I've been to Springfield, Shelbyville, Ogdenville Cap City, Ogdenberg, Shelbytown, Spring City Capfield, West Springfield, Paris, Rome And Shelbyville adjacent... Sing it, baby! Whoo! That's a lot of places. Whoo-ee! Oh, yeah!

Hmm. That's odd. Usually the blood gets off at the second floor.

Why, " my best friend- f Homer's Voice] Maggie. Huh? - Bad news, Sheriff- - f Homer's Voice f Lisa Simpson. - Some Indians took all the- - f Homer's Voice] McNuggets. Mmm, McNuggets. f Sia vering f

Homer! Land mine! I'm on it!

"Ned Flanders, I mock your value system. You also appear foolish in the eyes of others." Well, howdy, Homer. Ooh, thanks for dropping by. Mmm, he's not responding. Proceed to level two-- antagonism.

No children have ever meddled with the Republican Party and lived to tell about it.

Some large men to see you, sir. I don't have an appointment with any large men.

This is the happiest day of my life-- Hi-yi-ya! Got it! No shock for me! Oh, yeah? Whoa!

Well, I hope they win, or Mr. Burns said he's coming back. Wow! These are amazing seats, huh, Homer? Yeah. Hey, everybody! Here comes fun! Ow!

Like this, Mr. Kravitz? God, no. May we talk about, uh, accentuating the- masculine area? Did you hear that, people? Apu asked about crotch stuffing. Now, I dont do it. Kenny Loggins does. I trusted you!

Dad, did you read all these books today? Everything from Hop on Pop to Death Be Not Proud. It's so tragic the way they hopped on Pop.

Well, Seymour, because of your penny-pinching, we're coming back from a field trip with the fewest children yet. God bless the man who invented permission slips. Mmm.

There go my young-girl dreams of Vassar.

Homer, you saved my life, and I'm not gonna forget it. From now on, we'll be partners. Barney, that's great. When two best friends work together, not even God himself can stop them. Oh, no?

"Look in the 'tunk.'"

We've heard a German consortium offered to purchase the plant. Any comments? You'll see the Statue of Liberty wearing lederhosen before you'll see Germans running my plant! Then why are you meeting with them? So I can look Uncle Fritz square in the monocle and say, "Nein!"

This is for your show's slight decline in quality over the years! KENT: In an attempt to curb copycat pie-ings, the police have organized a pie-for-guns exchange. The pies were immediately detonated by the bomb squad. (EXPLODING) Aw! Those poor innocent pies. Some days you just don't want to be a cop, you know?

I'll be blunt. Bart's latest escapade... goes far beyond the realm of the high jink. There. Now the floor is as good as new. My sport goggles! Your son is a ravenous demon, relentlessly gnawing at all that's good and true. Yeah, he's something else, all right.

Well, I'm saving it for a special occasion. What the hell are you talking about ? There's gallons of it ! Bart ! But this occasion is already so special. If we made it any more special, we might end up making it less special. Gotcha. Told ya she liked mine better. Oh, brother ! Hold on. Hold on now.

Dad! Those all come from the same animal! Oh, yeah, right, Lisa. A wonderful, magical animal.

Please go to sleep.

Kent Brockman is not the kind of man who would leave a $500,000-a-year job because he won a lottery. I'm a journalist. He's got all the money in the world but there's one thing he can't buy. What's that? A dinosaur. I'm not the only one benefiting from last week's big payoff.

Man alive, there are men alive in here. I'm detecting over 20 different toxins in the air. All right, everybody out! As long as Burns is pumping oil, this bar is closed. Damn Burns. Lemme just get one thing. Me too.

Get ready 'cause it's A wild weekend

You're the miracle boy with the healing hands, arr, ain't ya? Nah. I don't do that anymore. So I guess I'll have to see someone else about my crippling depression. Arr. Arr. Wow. And I thought he had it all.

Uh-- Coming! Ohh. Well, it looks like it's just you and me, Barty boy. Great. I get to spend the summer with my brain.

I opened for the Who at Woodstock. I came out in a Beatle wig with a ukulele. Hendrix said he almost plotzed. His exact words. Oh, I never tire of that story.

So what do you want here? Uh, appendectomy, lipo or the sampler? That's very popular. I want you to stick this crayon... into my brain. No problem.

You've got to tell them the truth, Marge. The truth!

We are not paying this bill. Fine. I'll cut off your service! Fine. I'll cut off your ponytail! Homer. Marge, it's called negotiating.

At last the world is safe,

But then they'll just beat me up even worse. Yes, they are a clever bunch. I know. I'll squeal for ya... to their parents. That's for telling me how to raise my lousy kid. This is for the crummy life I've had to live. The thing is--

Grampa, I found your cigar box dug up in the backyard, but the gun wasn't there. Have you seen it? You accuse me of everything around here. "Who put slippers in the dishwasher?" "Who threw a cane at the TV?" "Who fell into the china hutch?" I was just asking if you'd seen it. There's no need to be a prickly pear.

We know this part. Oh, yeah, right. Well, that's my story. And if you still wanna tear apart this young Sunday school student... as he stands on the brink of salvation, - I await your wrath. - Aw ! - Somehow I don't feel like killing anymore. - Neither do I.

Dental plan! Lisa needs braces. Dental plan! Lisa needs braces. Dental plan! Lisa needs braces. Dental plan! Lisa needs braces. Bull's-eye! Thanks a lot, Carl. Now I've lost my train of thought.

There you go. Oh, thanks. Well, I better skedaddle. Oh, there's one more weensy little thing. See that tree over there? I hate to be a bossy Betty, but I have to forbid you to eat its fruit. No problem, Lord. And it would be even easier... to avoid that temptation if I had a few extra wives. I'm just sayin'.

Excuse me. Are you Drew Barrymore? What? Get out of here! I'm hungover! - Sorry, Miss Barrymore. - What? Are there any suggestions for how to attract more tourism?

I, uh, stand corrected.

and he didn't always do what other people thought was right. And that man's name Was-- I forget. But the point is-- I forget that too. Marge, you know who I'm talking about. He used to drive that blue car. Kids, could you wait outside for us?

Homer kept saying he could do a more realistic family show. Finally, I said, "So do it. Either or get off the pot." And he did.

Yo, ring her up, dude. You cannot smoke in here. Please, the sign is clearly posted, sir. Oh, God. You smokers disgust me. Hey, 'pu, you got a breakfast cereal for people with syphilis?

Ooh, there's a big one. And it has "freedom" written all over it. Sir, that's Cuba. Cuba, eh? Take her down, Smithers.

I'm sorry, but we're not supposed to put butter on the Milk Duds. You're not supposed to go to the bathroom without washing your hands either. TouchÉ. To the top, please. Swim, my pretties.

I'd like to withdraw $10,000, please. "You are on television. Please play along." Are you robbing me?

(IRISH MUSIC PLAYING)

Hey, hold still. Keep running, Max. I can't lose him! Help him out, Lou. Uh, you better call for backup, Chief. Leave me alone! Go swab Begley. He likes it. Slow down, punk!

You'll find it in The Itchy and Scratchy Movie, coming soon to a theater near you. Fifty-three percent new footage. Wow. Bart, did you take out the garbage like I asked? Indeed I did.

Hey, Simpson, I heard your dad's afraid of a little, old, giant grizzly bear. The only thing my dad's afraid of is paying child support. My dad once beat up six employees at KFC. And he'd been up for three days.

Oh. Well, you still have Lenny and Carl. Oh, Lenny and Carl suck! Please don't tell Lenny and Carl I said that, 'cause if I ever lost 'em as friends--

if you got rid of the talking pie. What, are you crazy? It's a buddy picture. Without the pie, it would just be me on screen for two hours. Oh, yeah, and you'd hate that. No, no, no. You can't lose the pie. The pie is your heart.

Uh, Brooks, Groening, Simon, you're all cut.

Question mark. Smiley face. Next. Wait a minute. It says here you're single. Did I do wrong?

Hey. Homer, did you just call everyone "chicken"? No. I swear on this Bible. That's not a Bible. That's a book of carpet samples. Ooh, fuzzy.

Oh, the Simpsons. Well, they're not getting back in here.

No, Homer. Let's do it. Let's call room service!

lend Me your ears and I'll Sing you A song I Will try not to sing out of key, yeah oh, baby, I get By with A little help fRom my friends

Bart, there's two seconds left. Listen up. It's your basic Statue of Liberty play with one twist. You throw it to me. Knute Rockne called it "the forward pass." Now, the clock's still running, so it's important we start this play as quickly as possible. Oh-ho, boy! Don't dream about me no more, kid.

Oh, look, Homer, the I.R.S. Boo! Oh, boo yourself.

You do? Cool. A blank check for mayhem. Mom, I was elected to make this a better school. Well, couldn't you just hang some colorful crepe paper in the gym? They've taken away our crepe paper. Those Fudruckers!

Uh, that's pretty dumb, but, uh-- Extended warranty? How can I lose? Perfect. Sweetheart, a missing crayon could be anywhere. Who wants lottery tickets? Okay. It's in his brain.

Sir, I demand satisfaction. I challenge you to a duel. Do you accept or are you a coward? I... am a coward!

- Yes. - Oh. ¡Aye carumba! You know, I don't think I remember. But the story of Lisa's first word is very cute. Tell it, Mom. Yeah, tell it, Mom. Well, this story begins in that unforgettable spring of 1983.

Let's see. "It was the best of times, it was the 'blurst' of times"?

Whoa! Whoa! You owe me a quarter. I didn't crack my skull. Rats. Ach! Me pile! It's been raped of its "bonny-ness."

Ohh! Pure genius. Oh! And now to make the leap from dreams to reality. Sorry, Homer. While you were daydreaming, we ate all the doughnuts.

Aurora borealis. Uh-- Aurora borealis at this time of year... at this time of day in this part of the country... localized entirely within your kitchen? Yes.

All right. I'm almost there. It-- Ohh! - Another place mat, sir? - Please. While we're waiting for our pie,

Mmm. Hmm. Hmm? Hmm. The left! Go to the left! It's working. Aaah! Leeches! Aaah!

Ow! Not the pointed end, you dumb-ass! Reinforcements! Tanks? Oh, this is just too inaccurate.

We're number one! We're number one!

Free mouthwash! Free shampoo! Free shower curtain! Free shower curtain! Mindy? Homer? Wow. If it weren't for this wall, we'd be sleeping in the same bed.

The dog. Okay. Go, boy! Go find help. Go find help, boy. No! Bad dog! Bad dog!

YOu-- Stop! Don't recycle! It's murder! You're helping Mr. Burns! But you told us to recycle. You convinced us it was good. No. It's evil. Please! Stop recycling!

The court has ordered me to call every person in town... to apologize for my telemarketing scam. I'm sorry. If you can find it in your heart to forgive me, send one dollar to Sorry Dude, 742 Evergreen Terrace, Springfield. You have the power.

Evening, Simpson. You've got a short in your taillight. Started blinking when you made that turn. Let's see your chauffeur's license. Chauffeur's license, eh? Mel, buckle your borscht belt! Uh, since you're trying to make a getaway in park, I'm guessing you don't have a license.

Hmm. I don't think they're giving enough information, Dad. I'll figure it out. I'm gonna use all the power of my brain.

Uh, now, before I execute this order, are you sure you understand the risks of stock ownership? Absolutely. We're in the money We're in the money

Oh, Marge, it was horrible! We were trapped in the house all afternoon.

Come on over. I'll show you.

Oh, fantastic. Marge, you're never gonna believe what happened.

Rest assured that I was on the Internet within minutes... registering my disgust throughout the world. Hey, I know it wasn't great, but what right do you have to complain? As a loyal viewer, I feel they owe me. What? They've given you thousands of hours of entertainment for free. What could they possibly owe you? I mean, if anything, you owe them. Worst episode ever.

Who's in charge here? They leave a building without people watching it? I got a plan that can't fail. Yiddle, my man, you're a genius.

He's ready to give up the drudgery of the professional mambo circuit... and settle into a nice teaching job. Man, it will be my pleasure. Lisa has told me all your students are as bright and dedicated to jazz as she is.

This movie you rented sucks. No, it doesn't. It's funny. Their clothes are different from my clothes. Look at what they're wearin'.

We've got no car. We've got no money. And no one knows we're here! We're stranded! But on the plus side, I knocked over the sun sphere.

So, where can we shoot this picture?

Yes, indeedy! That was my insulin! Uh-oh, SpaghettiOs!

was shot, following a tense confrontation at town hall. Burns was rushed to a nearby hospital, where he was pronounced dead. He was then transferred to a better hospital, where doctors upgraded his condition to alive.

DO it! Hey, Lise, I'm sorry I ruined your Egyptian thing. We're still buds, right? Okay, be that way! Be a big, stupid jerk! Oh! You're not the jerk. I am.

Homer, send these people home. This house-warming part/s been going on for two days. Hey, hey. You cant throw us out. I just made a Cornish game hen with chestnut stuffing.

"Ah, so. Ah, so. Me like the fried rice. Me flap dickey long time."

The capital of North Dakota is named after what German ruler ?

Mom, you said I could have one souvenir, right? Well, I want a didgeridoo. That seems very noisy and expensive for a souvenir. Why don't you get this nice cap? It's clever, just like you.

Nelson is gold.

Look at me, Lise. I'm Baron Von Chicken Pants. Bart, that's tomorrow night's dinner. You're tomorrow night's dinner. Mom! Bart took what I said and turned it into an insult! That's nice, dear! Okay, Mr. Peanut, you think you can keep--

Geronimo! (LAUGHING) Look. We can go inside. Ooh! We're like Howard Carter discovering the Temple of Tutankhamen.

Just lying here on my coffee table.

Dad went to take a bath, and the bear carried him off! Yeah. It almost wrecked the whole trip. Ma'am, I will find your husband before that bear kills him. But first, a snack. (FIRES GUN)

It's the coolest video game ever. I'm sorry, honey,

I could've trained them to be my unholy army of the night. Go, my pretties. Kill! Kill!

All these years, I watched you turn our son into a time bomb, and yet I did nothing. So in a way, I too am a victim... Of you. You're a great mom. You were always there for Bart with love and support.

Come on, Lisa. Watch a little cable with us. Oh, it won't cost you a thing... except your soul ! What's gotten into Lisa ? Beats the hell outta me.

You ever gone on a killing spree? No, no. The day of the gun-toting, disgruntled postman... shooting up the place went out with the Macarena.

It looks as if you girls have been getting along all right, but it's a darn good thing we found you when we did. There's something horrible roaming these woods. There is ?

Penis. Now here's the candidate. Krusty is an insensitive bore unfit for public office. Just take a look at this incredibly offensive sketch from his show. I shall now call the roll. France.

That is one evil dude.

For outstanding composer age 10 and under, the winner is... Please let me win. ...Mozart. (CHEERING) (SCOFFS) I can't stand it. Thank you. Thank you.

- Hold me. - Only if you hold me. You can call a cab in there. Well, bye.

Everything's a rave. "Nine thumbs up"? What the hell is that? I've given out my share of bad reviews.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. I sleuthed my ass off on this one.

Too hard. Nine, ten, start over again! One, two, tie your shoe Three, four, pick up the floor Five, six... (SCREAMING)

come on, come through new york new york Shh!

And I can't run too fast after 15 years of eating nothing but gummy worms! I'm gonna quit tomorrow. I swear. What we need is a scapegoat.

jump with all your might. Ahh-- Oh, no. Willy didn't make it! And he crushed our boy! - Ugh! What a mess. - Oh! I don't like this new director's cut.

Well, that just leaves Bart. Don't forget Maggie. Oh, I got her when your heads were turned. Got her good! Now, Bart, just look out the window. It'll take your mind off the pain.

End of monster. Aaaaaaaaaahhh! Bart! Lisa did it. That's it, young man. You're coming with me. Please?

Maybe I should have taken a nice calligraphy class.

Tungsten! Ooh, look at all these clever pencil holders. Ooh, I wanna get the Kronk. You don't want something that overshadows the pencils. How about this PÖpli? Mom, no. Everyone at school picks on the PÖpli kids.

I appreciate your passion on behalf of your medium. But I'm afraid we're out of options. Television must go. May God have mercy on our souls.

The film is just me in front of a brick wall for an hour and a half. It cost $80 million. How do you sleep at night? On top of a pile of money with many beautiful ladies. just asking. Yeesh!

This is Arnie Pie with Arnie in the Sky. We've got big problems on the Springfield Memorial Bridge. Traffic going waaay back in both directions. And look out at 14th and Elm. I just dropped my bagel.

Wow! It looks like the lake is the place to be, huh? Well, if we'd left at 4:00 a.m like I wanted to-- Dad, you really should be watching the road. Hey, Homer. Enough traffic for you? Homer, your spine.

Really? I didn't know that. I mention it in my sermon every week. Oh, that radio show. It's all the kids talk about on Monday at school. Well, why don't you have a free T-shirt? You'll be the coolest kids in the playground. We'll put them on later.

(SCREAMS) (SCRATCHY GRUNTING) (SIGHS) (GROANING)

Hello, Homer ? Woo-hoo ! It's Dad ! Dad's on the phone ! He's calling me !

and your first kiss from A boy Lisa, it's your birthday happy birthday, Lisa Lisa, it's your birthday happy birthday, Lisa Take it away, Lise.

Wow! Yes. You have very lucky dishes, Mr. Simpson. This soap is from the sacred forest of Hokkaido, renowned for its countless soap factories. Hokkaido, eh? See, all along, I've been telling Carl I'm married to a beauty queen. Now he's coming over for dinner.

Uh, hi, everybody. Uh, hi.

I say we set fire to the house. Kill 'em that way. We don't wanna kill them, Bart. We just want our home back. Well, if we did set fire to the house-- No fires! I've got it! No fires! Oh.

Ooh, Divorce Court is on in 15 minutes!

But as for me, I'm off to battle aliens on a faraway planet.

Look! It's the Seven Duffs! There's Tipsy, and there's Queasy. There's Surly and Remorseful! Hey! Take a picture. It'll last longer. Get outta here.

And is that burning literature I smell? Uh-- W-W-Well, sir, I, uh-- There'd better be a good explanation for this. There is, sir. Ah! Then I'm happy. Bart, if there's one thing I'm good at, it's pretending things didn't happen.

Then let's keep dancing I can't remember the last time Dad sang us a torch song. Yeah! Homer, I thought you were only gonna do this day care thing... till your knee was better. Yes. But then I discovered the joys of raising children.

Sir, we've run into a serious problem with the mission. These Nielsen ratings are the lowest ever. Oh, my God! We've been beaten by "A Connie Chung Christmas"!

Cleanup in aisle three. Oh, finally. Gil's moving up to the big leagues, boy. Oh, my back.

I'm whizzin' with the door open, and I love it. Why, oh, why Delilah It's 11 K-BBL degrees below zero.

Tell you what, Mr. Murdoch. Let's just split the difference. The boys and I will just crouch here quietly and take it easy on the snacks-- Silence! Seize them! Oi, oi, oi, oi, oi!

Well-- Ahh-- I better go. I got a date with that lady in front of the drug store who's always yelling things. She told me she was washing her hair tonight. I'm so desperately lonely.

Bart, why are you doing that? Our class is making refreshments for Skinner's party. These are in honor of his army days. That explains the flags. - What about the dog food? - My theory is Skinner likes dog food. Let's bake him a cake.

You're dyin', and you weren't even gonna stop at Moe's... for a last beer with your buddies ? Hey, Barney, look. It was on my list, along with a lot of other things I didn't get to do today. Hey, my boss !

Give me that! Attention, teachers. We're on strike!

Hee-hee-hee! I got your doughnut, Lard Lad! And what are you gonna do about it?

People of Earth, we come to you in the spirit of hostility and menace. Now, we can resolve our differences peacefully.

Whoa, ho. Loggins and Oates. And it's free. I've never heard of these bands, Mom. - What kind of music do they play? - Crap-Rock? No. Wuss-Rock? That's it.

I hope this is okay. It's not very prison-y. It's more than I deserve, ma'am. Now, which way is Mecca? 'Cause I gotta do a little prayin'. Uh, Mecca? Well, let-- Nah! I'm just yanking your chain! I'm Jewish.

Bogeyman! You nail the windows shut. I'll get the gun. Bart, I don't want to alarm you, but there may be a bogeyman or bogeymen in the house.

Homer, you already dialed.

Okay. Slap a fern on there, boy. And now with some mud. There. Ooh !

All right, gentlemen, I'll take your case. But I'm going to have to ask for a thousand-dollar retainer. A thousand dollars? But your ad says, "No money down."

Here's mine. You know, my mom sounded a little down the other day. I'd better give her a call. Homer. Marge. All right, folks. Show's over. No more to see, folks.

Uh-- Hmm. Hmm. Oh. Hmm. No. Uh-- Hmm. Um, how about if we tell you our problems with relationships?

Then I'll just stick by you in secret. Like a sock maker working on a top secret sock-- Will you stop looking at your feet? Well, cadets, it's been a great year. You've all worked very hard, developing academic skills and general killing skills. My killing teacher says I'm a natural. But these skills are nothing without courage and stamina.

Dad, do you even know what "rhetorical" means? Do I know what rhetorical means?

I think she likes my present better. Does not. Does not. Does not. Does too. Does too. Then how come she's not putting on any of your perfume ? Yeah. Hey, Mom. How come you're not putting on any of my perfume ?

Save me, Mr. X! Wait. I'm Mr. X.

I've argued in front of every judge in the state, often as a lawyer.

Mom! Dad! Don't turn on the light! Don't turn on the light! There's a U.F.O. outside my window-- seriously. Oh, Bart. It's just an old golf umbrella stuck in a tree.

"Dear Burly, comma. "I've never written to a registered trademark before. "Are you a real person or just a composite, question mark.

Oh! Not the box factory again, Seymour.

Hello. It sounds like a domestic disturbance. All right, we'll be right back. And don't try anything because Johanssen there is a snitch.

I mean, whatever doesn't kill me can only make me stronger. Oh, no. Quite the opposite. It's made you weak as a kitten. Look! Hey, come on. Quit it.

Blup, blup, blup, blup, blup. This is my voice on Tv - Dad! You're ruining the mood! Sorry. For the next half hour, we will control what you see and hear. You are about to experience the terror and foul horror of...

Hey, where'd all the snakes go? People of Springfield, Whacking Day is a sham.

You heard the man, Simpson. Ah, and my dear, dear Smithers. You're no longer needed at all. You're fired. Ta. You shouldn't have gone away on vacation.

Oh. One million times.

Your friendship during this difficult time will not be forgotten. However, I've decided to return to the only thing besides school... that has ever given my life meaning-- I've reenlisted in the United States Army. Sincerely, Sergeant Seymour Skinner.

I'm a stupid moron with an ugly face and a big butt... and my butt smells and I like to kiss my own butt. That's a new one! Wait a minute.

to gimmicky premises and nonsensical plots. I'm... an impostor. That man is the real Seymour Skinner.

We cant tickle Elmo no more. Coochie, coochie coo! - No means no for Eimoi - Ow!

guyS and dolls we're jusT A bunch of crazy guys and dolls oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah I want the mayor dead. I want his wife dead.

These prestigious wrought iron security gates are bulletproof, bombproof and battering ram resistant. Now-- Then what happened to johnny D.? He forgot to lock 'em. Now, what am I bid? One kilo. Sold. Ay, ay, ay, my gates. Ay! johnny C. gave me those.

Brought to you by--

It's hard to see what's going on. I can only make out the fat soldiers. All right, children, switch. Hey, they're trying to learn for free! Get 'em! Use your phony guns as clubs! Run, children!

Uhh! I'm gonna make it. I'm gonna make it! This is the greatest thrill of my life! I'm king of the world! Whoo-hoo! Whoo-hoo! I--

Yeah. The way I was headed, it was just a matter of time... before i wound up in front of a judge. What the--

Ooh, sorry. Uh, we don't normally drive these in the Air Force. Gotcha! Ya TV-hatin' mutant. What is your major malfunction, Sideshow Bob? Oh, my little sugar bun.

How would you like to be a hall monitor? Wouldn't that mean squealing on other kids? That's the meat of it. Hmm. Now, Witness X would you please tell the court what you saw? I'd be more than happy to.

Hmm. That makes sense.

- You grabbed me in the car! - Oh, that. No, I was just grabbing a gummi Venus de Milo that got stuck to your pants. Yeah, right. That's the oldest excuse in the book. Come on. I'm a decent guy.

Quit changing the subject! Where is Uter? We just want closure.

This Powersauce newsbreak is brought to you by Powersauce. Get sauced with Powersauce. Neil? Our top story: Homer Simpson has just "powersauced" his way... past the halfway point of the Murderhorn.

Dad, what happened to the backseat? I had to sell it for gas money. Which I spent on a novelty horn.

Because that's what I've been telling everybody. You're also pregnant. I just can't stay here. Everything reminds me of him.

Oh, yeah. And I'm not easily impressed. Wow! A blue car!

I don't complain about your... moustache. What's wrong with my moustache? Uh, it makes you look like you got something to hide. What? People are talking. Lots of people. Okay, mister you've got a deal.

These tests will have no effect on your grades. They merely determine your future social status and financial success. If any. Mrs. Krabappel, isn't Bart supposed to face the window... so he won't be tempted to look at his neighbor's paper ? You're right, Martin. Bart ? Remember to visualize the complex problems, and relax.

Hmm. First they hate each other. Now all of a sudden they love each other. Oh, it doesn't make any sense to me. Of course not. You're a robot.

Let me get into character. Okay. I'm McBain. All right, Mendoza! I'll give you the Maxwell circuit, if you put down my daughter. Ooh! Uh--

just stick to the script as written, Homer. You're supposed to say, "Please cut off my head. I don't deserve to live." Never! You can't just kill off a classic TV character.

We believe that God's last prophet, Bart Simpson, preached a message of tolerance and love. We believe the holy Bartman preached a message of understanding and peace before he was betrayed by his follower, Milhouse, and pulled apart by snowmobiles until he died.

Alto or tenor? D'oh! My ding-a-ling my Ding-a-ling I want you to play with my ding-a-ling... This act is over! Well, ladies and gentlemen I'd like to put this filth behind us and let's all enjoy Lisa Simpson's rendition of "Stormy Leather."

Prithee, tell me thou art not a Sodomite.

What the-- Maggie, I need to use the phone! Will that girl ever shut up?

"Would Jesus microwave a burrito so hot... that he himself could not eat it?"

Mm, it's so good to be home again. Look what happened without my pills! Bart, run upstairs! Get Grampa's medicine. Not so fast. I wanna court this fair, young maiden.

- Oh! - It's the Christmas hobgoblins!

The Simpsons D'oh!

That's what happens when you don't tip your letter carrier at Christmas. Yes, I'd like to send this letter to the Prussian consulate in Siam by aeromail. Am I too late for the 4:30 autogiro? Um, better look in the manual. Ignorance. Wait a minute. I know that woman.

Oh, what the heck. It was jessica Lovejoy!

Would you mind... if I did something bold and shocking...

just like Dad. I wash myself with a rag on a stick. Whoo-ooh-ooh. Euw! Mom! This whole thing is really creepy.

Oh, honey, you can hardly see your new braces! And that's the tooth! Oops. I left the gas on.

Mmm. Open-faced club sand wedge.

Dad, I'm not on drugs! I was just trying-- His arm! Oh, my special little guy! Are you okay? Hmm. Dislocated shoulder, bump on the noggin. My diagnosis? Rather nasty fall caused by bad babysitting.

IN the gaRden of Eden honey don't you know that I love you - in the garden of Eden - baby don't you know that I'll always be true

Azaria and Shearer, you're cut. Firestone, you're cut. So is judge. Namath, you stay. All of those people are cut. Bill Schultz and Wolf and Silverman. Goldreyer. O'Brien, Doyle, Selman, I don't know what you-- Elliott, I-- I don't know what you're doing here because you're all cut.

Marge? Yes, Homie? That's it! You people have stood in my way long enough! I'm going to clown college!

- You grabbed me in the car! - Oh, that. No, I was just grabbing a gummi Venus de Milo that got stuck to your pants. Yeah, right. That's the oldest excuse in the book. Come on. I'm a decent guy.

A redwood is not a promotional tool. Good Lord! He's cutting the guy-wires!

You wanted to be Krusty's sidekick since you were five! What about the buffoon lessons? The four years at clown college? I'll thank you not to refer to Princeton that way. The point is you obviously still blame me for what happened at your audition.

we sell the parts off Jason Bateman's Bentley. What did you do to my car? Dude, you've been chop shopped! Why would you do that? How am I gonna get home? Chop shop! Chop shop! (ZAPPING) Huh?

please, please get rid of the gun.

Well, here we are at the Brad Goodman lecture. We know, Dad. I just thought I'd remind everybody. After all, we did agree to attend a self-help seminar. What an odd thing to say. Thank you.

with savage beatings and attempted murder?

Marge? Sorry. Marge? Oh. Sorry. Marge? Vote Quimby. - Sorry. - Down here, Homer! Oh, Marge, there's so many things I wanna yell to you!

Now, this is clearly a case of animal cruelty. Uh, do you have a permit for that? No problem, sir. It's in my car. You gotta stop being so trusting, Chief.

Here it is, everybody-- The world's greatest Web site. Hello! Hello! Hello! You'd think all the noises would be annoying, but they're not. I got suspended from school today. No kiddin'?

Now, when I say, "Hello, Mr. Thompson"... and press down on your foot, you smile and nod. No problem. Hello, Mr. Thompson.

Caramels. Waffle batter. Liquid smoke. Oooh, waffle runoff.

Why is a raven like a writing desk? I don't know. Why is a-- Hey, the dummy can't hurt you. He's not even alive. He's dead!

Lousy "Smarch" weather. "Do not touch Willie." Good advice.

Help. I need tungsten to live. Tungsten!

Mr. Burns, I'm afraid you are the sickest man in the United States. You have everything.

Holy cow, you're as big as a house! Homer, come home with me. No, Marge, I can't. I mean, look at me. I'm a trainee. They won't even tell me what's in the secret sauce. And I can't buy you a decent wedding ring.

Bob? I know you’re enjoying fall preview week... but I was wondering if youve made any progress towards finding Homer's killer. No, I havent Go ahead, shock me. Well, just a little one. Homer, it-it's stuck.

What's it doing in the gymnasium? Yee-haw! Bart, have you lost your--

Hmm. Who's that goat-legged fellow? I like the cut of his jib. Uh, Prince of Darkness, sir. He's your 11:00.

These guys aren't so tough. I've got Wonderbat.

Our first Springfield Pride Award goes to a local legend-- a man who brings laughter and joy... to the children of Springfield. With his big, red nose and baggy pants. Krusty the Clown! Hey, hey! What?

You've got leprosy. Leprosy! Unclean! Unclean!

Ah, no problem, guys. The important thing is that we wrapped up all the loose ends. So, in conclusion, good luck on tomorrow's big final exam.

You have the power. Shh!

Where's he working? The Kwik-E mart.

Ow! No listenin'. You hear me? Uh, no. You just don't learn, do you? Ow!

Promise me you'll report this. Consider yourself fired! I had a car! Mom, can we go into this bookstore? Please, please, please, please, please, please, please?

Boy, it's a good thing I'm leaving before I went nuts. Goodbye, sparkly elves! ALL: Goodbye!

- Homer! - But she said I-- Dad, what she's saying is you've had your moment in the sun, and now it's time for you to gracefully step aside. Lisa, I know what's going on here. They did it to jesus, and now they're doing it to me. Are you comparing yourself to our Lord? Well, in bowling ability.

Uh-huh. This is the 128-ounce tub. You can fit your whole head in it. Don't be scared, jub jub. It's Mama. I would kill everyone in this room... for a drop of sweet beer.

Hmm? Sir, I represent the estate of Charles Chaplin. I have a court order demanding an immediate halt... to this unauthorized imitation. Boys!

Check for millipedes.

No, my husband is... at church. Aw, that's my girl. I love you, Marjorie. - Yeah, she's quite a gal. - You shut up. So when you realized Christmas was ruined, how did you feel? How do you think I felt? Absolutely devastated.

And will there be any more splurging today? Oh, my, yes! Hmm. I'll take that hardbound Radioactive Man collection. Ah, a superb choice! In volume two, Radioactive Man travels through time... to defeat jesse Owens at the 1936 Olympic games.

That Homer fella grifted you good, Dad. Well, there's no shame in bein' beaten by the best. But he didn't seem all that-- We were beaten by the best, boy.

Every bone... shattered, organs... leaking vital fluids, a slight headache, loss of appetite. Smithers, I'm going to die. Is there nothing I can do? Well, perhaps. Smithers, go to my office.

Bart, didn't I ask you to watch Maggie? Sounds like something you'd say. Hey, where is she?

This map is useless. Useless!

Wait, Homer. Don't go. Okay, beat it! Who wants ass frosting? No, thanks. I'm on Atkins.

I feel like making love Making love to you

It'll follow me to the ends of the earth! All right! My bumper fell off! Not my fault. Act of God, act of God. Uh-oh. Uh--

Hi, Lisa. Hi, Mrs. Norton. Hi, Lisa. Hi, Ralph. Hi, Lisa. Hey, gang.

You honor us. Don't patronize me.

They fought and fit they fought and fought and fit fought-fought-fought, fit-fit-fit the itchy and scratchy show! Uh-oh! Got to get back to karate class. Missed a spot. Dopey kid. Coming through.

Okay. I'm sorry I spanked your boy, Homer. Whoo-hoo! In your face, Bush. Now apologize for the tax hike.

This is the greatest thrill of my life. I'm king of the world ! Whoo-hoo ! Whoo-hoo ! I-- Aah ! Oof ! Ow, ow ! Ah ! Oh ! Ah ! Oh ! Eee ! Ow ! Oh ! Doh ! Doh ! Oh !

Oh, yeah. I'm betting on jai alai in the Cayman Islands. I invested in something called News Corp-- Dad! That's Fox! Undo! Undo! Dad, do we have any money left? Well, let's check the old bank account. See? Even after my cyber squandering, we've still got $1,200.

I regret to inform you that our final stunt will not be performed. Our star acrobat had an onset of outspokenness and suffered a bullet-related death. This is most disillusioning. It seems our leaders are not all-knowing. Now I will question everything! Why doesn't Pearl Jam ever come here?

I cannot tell a lie. This is a great deal. Hohh! Hey, Mom, how about if I learn karate? Will that make you happy? That sounds fine. See, you knock TV, and then it helps you out. I think you owe somebody a little apology.

Hey, fellas, my hearing's back. Congratulations, traitor! Thank you. And let me say I missed your sweet, sweet voices. - Cram it, Iraqi! - (GRUNTS) Why'd you dis the flag? It partied on the moon! Weren't we afraid of him just a few days ago? We're complex.

Well, that was a stinker. I liked it. It was nice to see a movie where people solve their problems with words... instead of bullets and chasing. Oh, you're just saying that because your boyfriend was in it. I'll bet you would've hated it if me and Lenny were Mr. Smith. Will you stop acting so jealous?

Except Earring Boy. Come on, Dad. Didn't you ever do anything wild when you were a kid? Well, when I was 10, I got my ear pierced. But this is completely different! Fine. Take it. Attention on deck! Captain Tennille wishes to address you.

Homer, what did you do, get a haircut or something? Look closer, Lenny. Oh, you're the biggest man in the world now and you're covered in gold. 14-karat gold. Take a hike, boss. I'm running things now.

Oh, yeah? Well, put this in your Fife and smoke it. What the--

What about the symphony or the theater? Oh-- What's the point of going out? We're just gonna wind up back here anyway.

Aha! Aw. Twenty dollars. I wanted a peanut. Twenty dollars can buy many peanuts. Explain how. Money can be exchanged for goods and services. Whoo-hoo! Whoa!

It's me, Homer. Are you still mad ? You are still mad. Don't need to say it. I'm your loving husband. I can read you like a book. I'll just have some milk. Look, I'm not drinking out of the carton.

Oh, this is good.

My family needs to use your bomb shelter. Homer! I kinda figured this might happen. So I built the shelter big enough for both our families. No deal. Out. Get in the shelter, Homer.

Okay, that was the sand movie. Now, it'll just take me a second to set up our next movie. Uh, Miss Hoover, movies are a nice break, but couldn't we be doing something a little more challenging? Probably.

Authentic Timmy O'Toole baby teeth.

All the way down

Five, four, three, two-- All right! Here comes the implosion. "Implosion"? But I thought you said-- Hockey puck! Don Rickles zinged you, Marge.

Gimme the ball! People, the punch has been spiked.

And the Wichita lineman is still on the (VOCALIZING) line Dad, I still have a couple of questions about this.

You took all the money you made franchising your name...

Wow! An alternate ending to Casablanca. Bart, this could be priceless!

Hear ye! Hear ye! Hear ye! He is not the official town crier! Police, do something! Well, I'd like to, ma'am, but he's too damn good. Let him march, boys. Let the man march.

Krusty the Clown, you're under arrest for armed robbery. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say-- - Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. - What is this, a joke ?

So long, Superman. Your secret identity is safe with me.

Stop! Don't shoot my dad! He's innocent. He wouldn't hurt a fly.

Okay. Camera two. Uh, excuse me. This is a restricted area. Take a hike, Kojak!

All right. Listen. I am sick of your jokes about the wardrobe! You people can dress yourselves!

Seymour! I didn't bring you up to use language like that! You didn't bring me up at all. The hell I didn't! I've been taking care of you for 26 years! I'm the only mother you've ever known! But you have your real son. You're my real son! You've been my son longer than he has. He doesn't need me, and I don't need him!

Uh, you die eating a submarine sandwich. What kind of bread?

There are a lot of troublemakers in this school and I can't be everywhere at once. Go on. Look, let's can the euphemisms. How would you like to be a hall monitor? Wouldn't that mean squealing on other kids? That's the meat of it. Hmm.

Let's go! Let's go! The dice! The dice! The dice! Eight seconds. Great job, boys!

I'm not here to sue you. My name is Astrid Weller. I own an art gallery, and I'd love to display your piece. You mean this hunk of junk? This isn't art. It's just a barbecue that pushed me over the edge. Didn't you? Didn't you? You stupid-- Uh, art isn't just pretty pictures.

Hey, Homer. You dirty teen! Ow! Hey, Homer, stop! Stop! It's me! Sheesh! Moe... wrecking Moe's bar? Uh-- What are--

Well, it was a grueling two weeks, but you have your son back. Ooh. Mom. Dad. I missed you. Aww! Homer, that's Hans Moleman. Can I keep him anyway? Huh? Huh?

We now return to our 48-hour Itchy & Scratchy diamond jubilee marathon-- celebrating 75 years of rib-tickling brutality... and hilarious atrocities. The Itchy & Scratchy Show

Lisa is a nut. She has a rubber butt. Every time she turns around, it goes putt putt. Indeed. But that rubber butt doesn't have much time for turning around these days.

Oh. I'm so stupid.

Brenda! Where's your wealth? Gone! Along with my sanity! (CACKLES) But I'm still pretty, right? Right? (ANNOUNCER READING)

Everything lasts forever.

Some people call me Maurice

We're out of "Subliminally Slim." Uh... send them the vocabulary builder. Here you go, fatso.

Done and done. And I mean done.

gravy, bacon fat, hummus and baba ghanoush.

Sheesh. Look at these refugees. How about a smile? They've undergone terrible hardships. Well, moping won't make it better.

Oh, no, siree. We'd be happy as hens to have you-- I would make it my business to be a third wheel.

You idiot! You nearly drank a beaker full of sulfuric acid. Acid, eh? Gee. That would have been stupid. Boy, would my face have been red.

(SIGHS) I wonder what would've happened if I'd stuck with journalism? Oh, honey, her life can't compare to yours. You've got three kids, a TV tray from Expo 67, and you're married to King Stink! Yeah, I guess. Marge, listen to me.

Looks like bad news for the... Impson family. Let's all calm down.

Ouch! i call brutality on you. You have the right to remain-- All right, uh, "Simpson, Homer." - You're next. - Whoo-hoo! Howdy, gents. I'm here to collect my free-- Ow! Oh, my boating arm!

Of course, one thing mother blue jay can't defend against... is a set of steel tongs. Eggs. Precious eggs.

Hmm. Mmm. Mmm! Promo. Ew! Fox! Now I got ya!

And now, all in favor... of reinstating Ray Patterson? Yea! Oh. Oh, gosh. You know, I'm not much on speeches, but it's so gratifying...

Hi, kids! Only one week left to sign up for the bestest summer ever at Kamp Krusty! Whoa! Hey! Kamp Krusty is built on an actual Indian burial ground.

J Oh, yeah, Weird A/ had fan on this showJ J Even if it was just a brief cameo JJ

between showgirl and that seamstress. Pipe down!

Car gone! Car gone! Car gone!

Tot shot always plays in the sticks. Oh, isn't that nice? Now there is a politician who cares. If I ever vote, it'll be for him.

All right. Let's see some I.D.'s, boys. You two scofflaws are violating curfew. I'm taking you downtown. Oh, uh, sorry to disturb you, Dr. Hibbert. Not at all, officer.

The other night I tripped a continental drift divide We're rockin' great! Mountains sit in a line Leonard Bernstein Leonard what's-his-name Herman Munster motorcade Birthday party, Cheetos pogo sticks and lemonade You symbiotic stupid jerk That's right, Flanders I am talking about you How did you get R.E.M. to play in your garage?

Ow! Ow! Ow! That's my face, you idiot! Idiot? Why you little-- Don't you-- I'll kill you. Homer Simpson, you're under arrest... for the murders of Moe Szyslak and Apu Nahasa-- pasa-- Ah, just Moe. Just Moe.

(ALL GASPING) It was those guys! Come! Let us kill them before learning of the magical secret which they possess!

I don't think we should be driving here. The mayor's yelling at us. Stop, you idiots! All right. All right. Geez! Okay, honey. Remember where we're parked.

Look, maybe this whole thing will blow over. It didn't blow over, Marge. Nothing ever blows over for me.

Tappa-tappa-tappa, tappa-tappa-tappa. Oh. Whoa! Ow!

Bart, what's wrong with you?

Hey, now You're an all-star Wow. I'm actually passing as a college student. And they don't have a Blue's Clue. Whoops. Gotta age it up. Life sucks. Totally. So what dorm do you live in? Actually, I'm off campus.

Yeah. And to make things even more suspenseful, our plane leaves in a half hour!

Well, I guess that wraps it up. There's one thing I don't get though. When my face was crushed, why did it go back to my old face? Shouldn't it have turned into some kind of third face that was different? Don't make no--

"Ouiet nerds burp only near school." Bart, I'm doing my geography homework. I know. That's how you remember the four original provinces of Canada. Quebec, New Brunswick, Ontario, Nova Scotia. "Ouiet nerds burp only near school." And here's how you remember their principal exports.

Can't you see what he's saying ? A happy worker is a busy worker.

Hmm? No, thanks.

He doesn't mean any harm. I can wait all--

Give me a white wine spritzer. Spritzer--

And how that guy Stanley should have been nice to her. Yeah? Go on. I mean, it made me feel bad. The poor thing ends up being hauled to the nuthouse... when all she needed was for that big slob to show her some respect. Well, at least that's what I thought. I have a history of missing the point of stuff like this.

That's the kind of bold flavor they enjoy in... Albuquerque! He's right! Yeah! And the wrapper says "Albuquerque Isotopes"! Homer was right! They're planning to move the team!

All right! Yes, that's very healthy, Ned. And if you really tick me off, I'm gonna run you down with my car. Yeah, uh-- Um-- Oh! Oh! Ned, you're so crazy.

It was just the shock of seeing all that food on the floor. Plus, I'd just fallen on my back, which hurt more than I let on.

Heh. Life dont seem so hard no more. Look, Maggie's in the paper with Moe. How cute. Look at those pants! They're standing up with no one in them!

Now, a brilliant jazz musician who's inspired me to do some improv poetry. Twinkle, twinkle, groovy cat. How I wonder where you at. I really love the way you cook. just like me when I wrote this book. How to Make Love to Steve Allen, from the author of Happiness is a Naked Steve Allen, journey to the Center of Steve Allen,

No bids for item 751? A buck. I have a buck. I have one dollar. I have one dollar there. Do I hear two? Sold-- for a buck.

You little-- Lisa, no! Your hands are too weak. Stop that. I'm gonna kill him. No, I'm killing him first.

Well, Bart, what do you think of little Lisa?

Who designed this house?

Rainier Wolfcastle! Oh, I love your movies... and your Powersauce bars and your taught, rippling-- Hey, hey, hey. That's enough. Now step over to the Abdominator, and I will shout slogans at you. Push. Harder. Go past the max. Reach over the top. Master your ass.

HOMER: Oh, anonymous girl who turned out to be Marge!

What I do now I do as your dearest friend. Look at this flab! Look at it! - Oh, my God! Is that me? - Most assuredly, yes.

No on 24. No on 24. It's a landslide! Yes on 24. The proposition passed with a record 95%. When are people going to learn? Democracy doesn't work!

Now go to sleep. We have a big day ahead of us tomorrow. A big... long day. Lisa, I can't believe it's your wedding day already.

From this day forward I pledge there will be no pork chop too succulent, no doughnut too tasty, no pizza too laden with delicious topping... to prevent me from reaching my scientifically determined ideal weight ! As God is my witness, I'll always be hungry again !

Wha-- Dad, where are you? Tonight on Wings-- Ah, who cares?

What are you looking at me like that for ? You believed his cock-and-bull story. It's looking good, Mr. Simpson. It's looking very, very good. They hate me ? Well, what trial were you watching ? Maybe a settlement-- Oh, yes, settlement ! Fine !

were you sent here by the devil

Aw, 4:00 a.m.? Now I'll never get back to-- Magilla gorilla gorilla For Sale Hey, you shouldn't have oughta taken my banana, Mr. Peebles.

Looks like I didn't need the keys after all. I'll take the masterpieces. Thank you. Consarn it! You coward! You're an embarrassment to the name Hellfish! Oh, am I? No! Look! Take the art if you want. just don't hurt the boy.

Now give him the rhino tranqs.

Carl, let me die first. I couldn't bear to watch you die. Well, okay, but hurry up. Oh, Moe! They're dead! And it's all my fault! When did that happen?

And his personal hygiene is above reproach.

But, Captain Murdock-- Thanks, Lance !

Go ahead. Throw your vote away.

Ooey, gooey rich and chewy inside golden, flaky tender, cakey outside Mm. Wrap the inside in the outside - is it good Darn tootin'! Doin' the big fig newton Here's the tricky part.

We can't sell the house. We can't live here. What are we going to do? Why don't we go to our congressman? That's a great idea. Why didn't you say something before? I've been saying it for three weeks, but every time I open my mouth-- What?

Ouch! But first, let's go to the boxing venue. Please, please, please, please, please! The American, Drederick Tatum, does a triumphant turkey trot over the supine Swede.

You're watching PBS. You're watching PBS?

I'll lavish my attention on Maggie, the forgotten Simpson. Maggie! It's me, Daddy! Daddy's gonna spend a lot more time with you. Yes, he is. Yes, he is!

I think it's ironic that Dad saved the day... while a slimmer man would have fallen to his death. And I think it's ironic that, for once, Dad's butt... prevented the release of toxic gas-- Bart! We'll have you out of there as soon as our tech boys get you decontaminated. Thank you, Mr. Burns.

Ahh! WEll, I'm rappin' A.B. And I'm here to say if you wanna drink beeR duff's the only way I said the only way breakdown

Richard Dean Anderson will be in my dreams tonight.

Spare my life and I will grant you three wi-- Knife goes in, guts come out. Yippee! Time for the company loyalty song. Knife goes in guts come out that's what osaka seafood concern is all about Well, this sucks. What else is on?

Well, look at this. You dragged me back to my old neighborhood! And it hasn't changed a bit. DSL! DSL! Who will buy my high-speed connections? Brazilian wax! Get your velvety smooth, Brazilian wax!

I know. I'll just do like Lisa... and escape into fantasy. Class, instead of going to the box factory today, we'll be going to the... box factory.

We worked so hard, and now it's all gone. We ended up with nothing because the three of us can't share. - What's your point ? - Nothin'. just kind of ticks me off. Well, the world is safe again,

Strange. Regular ham doesn't thrill me anymore. Hmm. I'm crossing over to deviled ham.

NO-O-o. I need some more ether. I can still feel the movement of the emery board. We're fresh out, sir. I'll get some more. Leave the rag. Mmm. Uh, excuse me, Mr. Burns.

Uh, yeah. It's really something.

and instead they're home watching a cat and mouse disembowel each other. Hey, don't worry, Marge. Pretty soon, every boy and girl in Springfield Elementary School is gonna come see this thing. Really ? Why ? They're forcing 'em ! Oh.

The world's greatest Web site. Hello! Hello! Hello! You'd think all the noises would be annoying, but they're not. I got suspended from school today. No kiddin'? What do you think of my page, Lisa? Be honest. It's great, isn't it? Go ahead and say it's great if you want to.

Ow! What's the matter with you, you crazy old buzzard?

But if I don't show up in a rubber suit shaped like the state of Florida, I'll be the laughingstock of the whole school. Oh, it's always something, isn't it? First I have to drive your pregnant mother to the hospital... so she can give birth to you, and now this! Ow, ow, ow, ow. Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow!

Well, sir, I have to get to work. Lenny's a real bear on tardiness. Are there any chores I can do? Uh, no, no. Uh, you just stay here and maintain your dignity.

Oh, yeah? Prove it! That's your license plate, isn't it? Uh-- All right! just go ahead and sue me! Everybody else does! The average settlement is $68,000.

Look at Branford ii! Isn't that cute? He thinks he's one of the Models Inc. Get that cat out of the way!

Potato man. Where the hell have you been? Okay. Camera two. Uh, excuse me. This is a restricted area. Take a hike, Kojak!

7:00, Friday night, Mother. Time for our weekly silhouette. No! Cutting out your ugly nose gives me a hand cramp! Oh, but you love silhouette night. And then we go through your bird book and make up silly captions-- Why are you all dressed up? I'm sick of this house, and I'm sick of you!

Huh? This isn't Miss Hoover's class. I do not know this Mademoiselle Hoover of which you speak. What's happening? Where am I? Sacre bleu! What a foolish question! You are at West Springfield Elementary School.

Tacos? Public broadcasting?

The finger thing means the taxes.

Pa, can ya help me with my sums? Oh, Bart, you met Grandma Flanders. Hope she didn't scare ya. Hello, Joe!

Oh, look who the new pet is. I've never been so happy.

Marge, are you sure you're okay with this? Of course. Everyone should do whatever they want. Take a bear to church. Read a book with your feet. Change your name to Gooble-Glop! Oh, I get it. You act all liberal, but you can't handle it when your sister finds love in her own locker room.

I don't get it, Mel. How can you be so calm and cool?

Let me just say you're doin' a great job, Phil. Hey, thanks a lot. That makes it all worthwhile.

That was a nice film I had once. Last time I try to impress a four-year-old. Well, see ya, kid. You can't just go back to the gutter. You created Itchy. You should be a millionaire. Ah, Roger Myers wouldn't give me a cent in the '20s.

Oh, and, Mr. Gumble, for the duration of the training, there'll be no more beer. What? Three whole weeks with only wine? I'll go crazy! And may the best man win. He's got a big drinking problem. Could embarrass the program. Meet me up in that tree later, and I'll tell you more. Wow, my father, an astronaut.

Uuh! I'm not the thief. The government is. Every year you make hardworking joes like my reporter friend here pay income taxes. And for what? Aid to ungrateful foreigners, do-nothing nuclear missiles, tomb polish for some unknown soldier. Hey, he's right.

Actually, I thought it was a little labored. Oh. You gotta lose yourself in the moment, man. Yeah. Like-- Yeah! Okay. Great. Okay. Let-Let's just try that again. Okay? Come on. Hey. Come on. Hey-ey-ey! Hey, get over here! Okay. Now, you're you, I'm me. I'm me? Hey, don't jerk me around, fella.

Oh! Could I have shot Mr. Burns in a drunken rage? No, no, not me. I know in my heart I-- A gun.

I'm glad you're okay, Bart.

They fought and fit they fought and fought and fit fought-fought-fought, fit-fit-fit the itchy and scratchy show! Uh-oh! Got to get back to karate class.

Yes, well, I'm older than you.

So long, suckers.

But all normal people love meat. If I went to a barbecue and there was no meat, I would say, "Yo, goober! Where's the meat?" I'm trying to impress people here, Lisa. You don't win friends with salad. You don't win friends with salad You don't win friends with salad You don't win friends with salad You don't win friends with salad You don't win friends with salad

Blame me if you must, but don't ever speak ill of the program. The program is rock solid. The program is sound.

I got nothin' to work with here. - Nothin'! - Uh-- Well, at least I can take off this girdle. Ohh, yeah! Uh, the nominees for best writing in a cartoon series are... Strong-dar, Master of Akom, the wedding episode.

Why didn't I think of that? Hammocks! Homer, there's four places. There's the Hammock Hut. That's on Third. Uh-huh. There's Hammocks-R-Us. That's on Third too. - You got Put-Your-Butt-There. - Mm-hmm. - That's on Third. Swing Low, Sweet Chariot. - Right. Matter of fact, they're all in the same complex. It's the hammock complex on Third. Oh, the hammock district. That's right.

Hello. Is this Marge Simpson ? Yes. The Marge Simpson who fixed it so cartoons can't be violent ? Yes. This is Myers. I'm here with the writers.

Well, l’s here to win back Brandine. She been making eyes at that photographer... what come to document our squalor.

Bart, stop being confident. Doggone it! Ohh. Oh, Grampa. I'm starving! Somebody bring me some food quick! I'm a-comin', boy! Homer, get back here!

f Marge's Voice f Wha- Oh. f Lisa's Voice f f Bats Voice f

Hey, hey, Mr. Burns! Enough already with the germs. Ptooh, their flower power-- it's no match for my glower power.

No. The Playboy Mansion. Playboy Mansion! Shut up! It's my car, and I say we're going to the lost city of gold. That's just drunk talk. Sweet, beautiful drunk talk.

and I'm here to talk to you about my little friend here, Blinky. Many of you consider him to be a hideous genetic mutation.

Oh, there he is. No! It couldn't be! Phew! Thanks for holding my book while I tied my shoe.

Okay, i hear that. i hear that, dudes! You too, Gracie music dude! Guh!

Oh! Saturn's rings! Let me get that for you. Paper bag or triple Mylar?

When youve been in as many as l have, you can sense them coming. Did they ever find Tom Petty's toe? What am l, the lost and found'? There's no excuse for our horrible behavior tonight, Homer. We acted like a bunch of angry young men. Yeah. Rock and roll is supposed to be about peace and love. I hope you wont judge the entire Brian Setzer Orchestra by my actions.

By going down the ladder, you're agreeing not to sue! Oh! Oh! Head... burning. Legs... freezing. Middle-- very pleasant. Oh, thank God. The dog's here.

Now to see if you will really attack your hero.

Or there's the dance that made me ever so famous-- tap. But I want to learn a dance I can use in real life, like the tango de la muerte. Oh, bless your heart. Let's get you some tap shoes. Uh, Little Vicki, I really think she had her heart set on-- Little advice, don't live through your child. Okay.

They're in their own house worshipping a false idol-- professional football. Oh, Lord-- It's a beautiful Sunday. Perfect football weather for this incredible game. And by the way, this game is being brought to you...

That's all I miss-- that and Shirley jones's and Marty Ingels's New Year's Eve party. What about that great feeling you get from knowing you're better than regular people? What about being an illiterate TV clown... who's still more respected than all the scientists, doctors and educators in the country put together?

I must be the ugliest man alive. Oh, Moe, there's lots of people uglier than you. Like, you ever been to White Castle? Oh, boy. Pigtown, U.S.A. Come on. Look at me. I'm a gargoyle,

Think smaller. Think more legs. Ugh. People, we went through something magical together... and it's not important who got rich off of whom... or who was exposed to tainted what... and because you believed in my dream... I want you to fight over the last Ribwich ever made. Here.

They're getting ready to throw the switch! Come on, Lisa. Hurry! Let's just pray this hits the prison. Huh? Smithers, there's a rocket in my pocket. You don't have to tell me, sir.

Guest director, Oliver Stone. Oh, God! Get his gun! The itChy and scraTchy show "Hundreds would die, but not the thing they died for.

Look, Smithers! Garbo is coming! Uh, yes, sir.

So you see, children, there is hope for anyone. Even me? No.

Now, at last, I have found it. Ladies and gentlemen, presenting the car designed for the average man, the Homer !

Oh, no ! Two hundred and thirty nine pounds ? I'm a whale. Why was I cursed with this weakness for snack treats ?

This could be the most remarkable comeback since Lazarus rose from the dead.

How innovative. I like it.

Tonight is silhouette night. Sit there. I really just came home to change into a turtleneck. Seymour, sit! In the morning. Oh, Mom, I'm borrowing your car.

They seem to be revealing the story of your first love. Do you want me to continue? Guess so. It's-- It's coming to me. Yes, I see an eastern university in the year 2010. The world has become a very different place.

I cant believe it! Hibbert's turned you all into human guinea pigs! We prefer "Italian American pigs." Hey, Dad. Check it out.

Shoelace-- NO-O-O-o !

Knife goes in guts come out that's what osaka seafood concern is all about Well, this sucks. What else is on?

We don't get that up here. Really? In America, we do it four times a week. You come on down, and I'll get us front row seats. I'd like that. (THUNDER RUMBLING) We're losing altitude. Time to dump all unnecessary weight.

Doh ! Anybody home ? Ooh, I've got to go, Homer.

You're selling what now? I'm selling only the concept of karmic realignment. You can't sell that! Karma can only be portioned out by the cosmos. He's got me there.

Yummy, yummy, yummy I got love iN my tummy and I feel like lovin' you love is such A sweet thing good enough to eat thing Sorry, but the punishment stands.

Unlikely, sir. They-- They spell and pronounce their name differently.

Now, turn in your pricing gun. Oh! The other one too. Oh! Fired after all these years of loyal service.

Sugar man! Mmm! Door-to-door sugar? What a marvelous idea. Who's at the door? What's that, Mother? I'm just talking to the sugar man.

Thanks, Kent. There was more dumb luck today when Police Chief Wiggum foiled a bank holdup without even trying.

Glove slap, baby A glove slap, baby Glove slap Baby, glove slap Glove slap i don't take crap Glove slap shut your big yap

Ow! Not the pointed end, you dumb-ass! Reinforcements! Tanks? Oh, this is just too inaccurate. Uh, well, then you're definitely not going to like...

Hmm ? Oh, no, boys. Not the can, please. Doh !

Oh! Hi, kids. How was Duff Gardens? Can't talk. Comin' down. How do you do it, Homer? You take an ordinary bedsheet, fold it around like this-- No. I mean raising kids.

Barney ain't never comin' back. Here we are, Mr. Gumble. Huh? Thanks for the lift! Barney, where's my car? All I remember about the last two months... is giving a guest lecture at Villanova. Or maybe it was a street corner.

For years, TV critics such as yours truly, Kent Brockman, have waited impatiently for cracks to appear in the show's hilarious facade. Yesterday our prayers were finally answered... when Poochie the Dog made his howlingly unfunny debut. Far be it from me to gloat in another's downfall,

A Quarter Pounder with cheese. Quarter Pounder with cheese? Well, I can picture the cheese, but, uh-- Do they have Krusty partially gelatinated nondairy gum-based beverages? Mm-hmm. They call 'em shakes. "Shakes." You don't know what you're gettin'. Well, I know what I'm gettin'-- some doughnuts.

Our top story: Killer dolphins.

You little-- Lisa, no! Your hands are too weak. Stop that. I'm gonna kill him. No, I'm killing him first.

Why, here's Fox News. We are the champions My friend The cause of all this commotion is mayor and suspected illegal immigrant Joe Quimby, named today in paternity suits by 27 different women.

Uh-oh! We gotta get outta here. Just take 'em all!

Ooh, and here, out of the mists of history, the legendary esquilax, a horse with the head of a rabbit... and the body of a rabbit.

And pointed right towards center field This time I'm hittin' a home run This time love is for real Hey, Dad, can I do a hambone solo? Stop it.

I wouldn't want you to have a cow, man! Here's a catchphrase you better learn for your adult years: "Hey, buddy, got a quarter?"

You know, I went to the McDonald's in, uh, Shelbyville on Friday night. The Mc-what? Uh, McDonald's restaurant. I-- I never heard of it either, but, uh, they have over 2,000 locations in this state alone. Must have sprung up overnight.

You have plenty of white shirts. Oh, gimme, gimme, gimme.

Why do people worry about stuff? It's all gonna work out. All good points. Sleep tight, my drunken angel.

She could be lurking anywhere, about to descend upon another house full of unsuspecting dupes. Eee ! Wow !

Hey, guys. This butt's for you. Oh, no! No one does this to Dolph! No one! (LAUGHS) Uh-oh! Whoa! I'm riding a unicycle with my pants down. This should be every boy's dream.

Honey, I don't know what you're feelin' right now, so I don't wanna push anything. We can just hold hands or sit and talk. Whoo!

(BRAKES SCREECHING) Look at the American computer monkey.

It's a good offer. I advise you to take it.

Now, I know I haven't been the best Christian. In fact, when you're up there "blah, blah, blah-ing," I'm usually doodling or mentally undressing the female parishioners.

Holy moly, that's the biggest...

Let's get in a quick nine down at the Pitch 'n' Putt. Neddy! Neddy! He's gaining on us! I'm scared! Come on, Ned! Move this thing! I can't! It's a Geo!

Uh, Dad. Towel rack.

Uh-huh. And, uh, do you drink? I do enjoy a snifter of port at Christmas. All right. Here's your policy.

Krusty looks fat. He's really having trouble keeping his balance. He's still funny, but not ha-ha funny. That's not Krusty the Clown! What do you think? I slapped a clown suit on some wino? I mean, I-- Yeah, Bart. I am so Krunchy the Clown!

Bleh! This virtual fudge tastes like crap. Mmm. Mmm. Not half as good as cyber-fudge. Yo. It's me! Oh, what a bleak, horrible future we live in! Don't you mean "present"? Right, right. Present.

Hey, wait! I'm okay today! My mom bought me deodorant!

That's the worst name I ever heard.

Yes? I'm not gonna make it. Oh, stop talking crazy. just do one thing for me. Get... Mendoza. Mendoza!

Happy Halloween

Uh-huh. The shower. Hey! I don't want to alarm you, Marge, but I seem to be trapped in here. We'd better call Ned. He has a ladder.

Dad, it's in there again! No! It's stuck on my hand!

Lisa, if we start conserving, the environmentalists win! Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Jingle Bell R-- Huh? Jingle bell what?

Hot diggety! My family's come to visit me! It-- Wait a minute! My family never comes to vi-- D'oh! Not again!

Oh, that's the dumbest thing I ever heard, you stupid little kid! Homer, you’re heading for a parental face-plant.

Well, I'm glad the rest of you remembered... that summer vacation starts at the end of the day, not the beginning. Here you go, ma'am. Hmm. Quick work. How'd you know he was gonna run? We've got someone on the inside.

You'll pay for this with your children's blood! Oh, right. How you gonna get 'em? Skeleton power? I'll strike where you cannot protect them-- in their dreams!

Ew! You like The Monkees?

It's like there's been a curse on me. It's all my fault. No, it's not. Yes, it is. You tried to warn me about gambling my family's future on some pig in a poke.

But those candy bars are all squished and melted. Wha-- Wha-- Come on, Lisa. join your family.

You did it, Dad! You can't prove I did it.

So, uh, ain't you guys gonna ask me about my hat? - Ah! - Ah! Hey, Carl, what's with the hat? Oh, what, this thing? I got it down at the museum. It's what the ancient Egyptians call a souvenir. My daughter's at that Egyptian dealie right now.

Could you dumb it down a shade? Doctor, we'll do whatever it takes to get my Homie well.

If people don't support this thing, it might not make it. Joe Willie Namath swaggering off the field, his sideburns an apogee of sculpted "sartorium"-- the foppish follicles pioneered by Ambrose Burnside, Appomattox, 1865.

Tito Puente! He's ready to give up the drudgery of the professional mambo circuit... and settle into a nice teaching job. Man, it will be my pleasure. Lisa has told me all your students are as bright and dedicated to jazz as she is.

Hello! Stop saying "hello"! Okay, calm down, Lisa. D.M.Y. What's D.M.Y.? "Don't mess yourself." Ew! Yeah. That's why we changed it to D.M.Y. Don't worry, Lisa. There's still plenty of time. You'll get a date. I don't want a date!

Dad, I have a problem. Why'd you come to me? I don't know nothin'. I used to get by on my looks. Now they're gone, withered away like an old piece of fruit. Are you done? No, not yet.

"Loud"? That's our secret word for the day! Oh, my God!

Are you going through our garbage? That's right. You fat cats didn't finish your plankton. Now it's mine.

Why? How? When? Which?

Uh-oh. Oh, we're real scared. Please don't hurt us, Bart. What are you going to do? Throw your diapers at us? just keep laughing. It only makes him madder. Start them off with the Touch of Death and go from there.

Hello, Lenny, Carl, Guillermo. Hello, uh-- Oh, um, uh--

I'm the one who-- who shot Mr. Burns. That's all I needed to hear. Boy, this thing works great. The man became consumed by greed. He'd steal from anyone. This isn't a rival company you're battling with. It's a school.

Huh? Our next budget item, $12 for doorknob repair. Nay! Recharge fire extinguishers. This is a free service of the fire department. Nay!

Oh, we're-- We're not as well off as you think. We give to eight different churches just to hedge our bets, and the Leftorium's business has gone way down hill... since Leftopolis moved in next door. If you're not rich, then how come you have a new refrigerator, an electric can opener, a milk shake machine? We picked those up cheap. They were evidence at a murder trial.

Ah, I just threw on an old rerun. No one will know the difference. Huh? Huh? Huh? Eh, children, remain calm. The Falkland Islands have just been invaded. I repeat, the Falklands have just been invaded!

For the love of God, let us out! Let us out! Mmm? Come on! Will you let us out? Sorry. You're going to be very, very sorry!

You're the miracle boy with the healing hands, arr, ain't ya? Nah. I don't do that anymore.

Well, despite Bart's objections, the people of South Africa can now vote in free, democratic elections. My friends, Bob is a political prisoner. I want every loyal listener to do everything they can to get him out of jail. All right, you heard the man. One grenade each.

You wouldn't believe what happened to me! I tried to do what you told me to, but I don't even know what happened. (CLUTTERING)

Communication. Gotcha. But it's important to-- Listen! Yes, I know! But there's more to it than-- I have listening skills! Mr. Simpson, would you please-- Shut up, judge!

went to get the paper, fell down and had the door slam behind them and the doorknob break off. And I'd like to thank Lester for reuniting me with my estranged wife. I never even heard about that. I don't understand it. We're always the ones who solve these problems.

Homer, what are you doing? Driving up to the main building. They got valet parking tonight. We can't drive this up there. They'll see the dent. They'll see the coat hanger antenna. Stop the car. Were walking. But, Marge! Valets! For once maybe someone will call me "sir" without adding, "You're making a scene."

I gotta get some fresh air. No, Homie. Wait.

(CHUCKLING) And now, my darling, it's finally time for romance.

(CHOKING) Joke's on me, is it? Ah! (WHIRRING) (GAGGING) (HOMER GROANING) (CHOKING) MARGE: What's all that racket? It's old lady Simpson! Run!

- Colder. Ice cold. - Huh ? Do you know where my keys are ? No. I'm talkin' about your breakfast. Did you try the rumpus room ? Rumpus room ? Great idea. Oh, Dad. Huh ? Doh ! Oh, Homer.

Then you got these lady comics talking about stuff... that would embarrass Redd Foxx-- God rest his smutty soul. Who they slept with. What time they sit on the can. This is supposed to get you a husband?

Look. I know this has been a stressful holiday.

What did you say? I don't want any damn vegetables. All right. No Bible stories for you tonight. Weren't you a little hard on him?

I did it. I made it all the way to-- Aw, crap! It just keeps going! I give up. You beat me, mountain!

Homer, it's really coming down. Could you check on the boys ? They're fine.

To avoid an international incident, we'll be returning it... to the descendant of its rightful owner.

Deploy, damn you! Deploy!

Mmm, doughnuts. Oh, doughnuts! Doughnuts! - Cyohl - Cyohl - Cyohl - Cyohl - Cyohl - Cyohl - Son of a- - Cyohl

My fee is fifty percent. Fifty percent ?

No, no, no, no, no! Ay. ¿DÓnde estÁ mi tequila?

Um-- Clear! Clear! Doctor, he's gone. Oh! This is the part of the job I hate.

You're next, Mr. Simpson. Hey, wait a minute. Airport tax: five dollars? Sir, it's a standard fee. Well, we are not boarding that plane unless you waive that tax. Waive it!

Ingenious, isn't it, Mr. Bont? Scorpio, you're totally mad. I wouldn't point fingers, you jerk. So, do you expect me to talk? I don't expect anything from you except to die and be a very cheap funeral. You're gonna die now.

You started smoking, Dad? Yes. Thomas Edison smoked several cigars a day. - Yeah, he invented stuff too. - Shut up.

So, Lisa. Did you get that brainteaser yet? For your information, none of your business. You look tired. Are ya tired, Lisa? If you're suggesting I stayed up all night... trying to solve that childish puzzle, you're right.

Homer, did you go out and buy a 20-pound ham? What's all this? D'oh! "For heroic competence.

Step on it, Mom! Dad's signaling that he wants to go higher!

Attempted murder! Now, honestly, what is that? Do they give a Nobel Prize for attempted chemistry? Do they?

Where's the producer? I want to talk about this coffee.

You were a rotten wife, and I'll never ever forgive you! Can we have sex? Please? - Oh, Abe! - Well, I tried. What's for supper?

Bart, are you taking a bath? Yes, I am. And it would be nice to have a little privacy around here for a change. This wouldn't have anything to do with Laura coming over, would it? Hey, sometimes a guy just likes his skin to look its yellowest.

The dream was over. Coming up: Was the dream really over? Yes, it was. Or was it? And Homer finds a new passion:

I have asked you nicely not to mangle my merchandise. You leave me no choice but to ask you nicely again.

Tracey Ullman was entertaining America... with songs, sketches and crudely drawn filler material. And Bart was eagerly awaiting his first day of school. Don't worry be happy Look, Mama!

Good thing you warned me.

Huh? Don't be alarmed, Apu. just go about your daily routine like I'm not wearing the hat. Your headgear seems to be emitting a buzzing noise, sir.

(GASPS) What? What's going on? Where are my shoes? (STRAINING) (CHUCKLES) Struggle all you want, Homer. There's nothing you can do.

Okay, let's make a pact. This is gonna be the best vacation ever, or we'll all agree to disband and join other families. Agreed. Ah, the interstate. Fasten your seat belts, kids. We're on our way to Itchy and Scratchy Land. D'oh!

I'm gonna kill him. No, I'm killing him first.

D'oh! - D'Oh! - D'Oh! Whoo-hoo! Eww! Did you have to be so graphic? It's okay, Marge. They pave the way for this kind of filth in school.

Ah, my lucky red hat. Clean as a whistle. You did this to me! I... apologize. No one will notice if you wear a pink shirt to work. Wait a minute. Go back. Zoom in. Why is that man in pink?!

The reason I look unhappy is that tonight... I have to see a slide show starring my wife's sisters. Or as I call 'em, the Gruesome Twosome. Ow, my foot, you lousy, stupid, clumsy-- Sorry, pal.

Now I'll ruin you like a japanese banquet. I'll take your head and-- Gorbachev? What-- What are you doing here? I just dropped by with present for warming of house. Instead find you grappling with local oaf.

Three minutes to meltdown. Whew! Saved by the bell.

But on the plus side, I knocked over the sun sphere. Ha-ha!

Now, we can resolve our differences peacefully. Uh... ow! Your superior intellect is no match for our puny weapons. Gordon, do something. What do you want me to do? I'm a baker now. Conquered with a club. Wish we'd saved an A-bomb. Move along humans.

Gentlemen, we now have a girl cadet among our ranks, so we're gonna have to make a few changes. First of all, Franklin, you are no longer the girliest cadet here. Well, we'll see about that.

on this chalk shortage as it continues. And now, Bart's been looking into that alleged ham salad... from yesterday's school lunch. No, I haven't, Lisa. Because I went out with a camera... and did a different kind of story.

Oh. Thank you, shoppie. I-- I ventured in to search for milk when the door snapped shut behind me. Yeah. Those dairy cases are death traps.

Me! Me! Me! Me! I said it first. Let me assure you that this is not one of those shady pyramid schemes you've been hearing about. Our model is the trapezoid that guarantees each investor an 800% return within hours of your initial-- Uh-oh! The cops!

(GIGGLING) (LISA PLAYING SAXOPHONE)

Hmm. Sorry, Surly. Shut up. Don't blame these kids. It's not their fault. I think their father is missing a chromosome. Miss Bouvier, while we were rescuing this boy, hoodlums made off with three bumper cars!

Now, here's my "Everything's Okay" alarm. This will sound every three seconds... unless something isn't okay. Turn that off, Homer. It can't be turned off.

You're not Seymour Skinner. Skinner! Skinner? I'm Skinner. Seymour? Mother! She's my mother! Will someone remove that crazy man, please? No. No. He's--

And only one of you kids can go to college.

Dad, what did you do?

The secret ingredient is... Homer, no! ...Cough syrup. Nothing but plain, ordinary, over-the-counter children's cough syrup.

Lisa is a fool I think the rules are cool I've fallen in the pool

Gentlemen, our city's sucking down the juice like my wife at an open bar. Mr. Burns, can your plant handle it? No problem. We've siphoned off extra power from the orphanage. Who are they going to complain to? Their parents? But, sir, we're at full capacity. One more appliance could overload the system. Fear not.

jeremy Irons. Jeremy's... iron. Mm-hmm. Well, that's... very good for a first try. You know what? I have a ball. Perhaps you'd like to bounce it.

Huh? Don't be alarmed, Apu. just go about your daily routine like I'm not wearing the hat. Your headgear seems to be emitting a buzzing noise, sir. Perhaps you have a bee in your bonnet. Bee?

Whenever Marge puts on... one of her nonviolent programs, I take a walk. I go to a bar, I pound a few... then I stumble home in the mood for love. Very well, Selma. Whenever you watch MacGyver... I'll take a vigorous constitutional... and return more in love than ever. Oh, Bob.

it's from Yes, I Can, by Sammy Davis, jr. An entertainer, like your son. The candy man? Maybe I'm completely upside down on this whole problem. All the years of joy that I've lost. Why? Because of my stubborn ways. There, there, Rabbi.

I don't expect anything from you except to die and be a very cheap funeral. You're gonna die now.

Could you explain your model, young man? What's to explain? He's an idiot! Pipe down! Well, basically, I just copied the plant we have now. Hmm. Then I added some fins to lower wind resistance-- And this racing stripe here, I feel is pretty sharp.

Dad, come back! Ohh. I can't walk home with all this stuff. Ohh. Poor boy. Here's some money for bus fare.

JJ What are you screaming about? Did you discover my snake farm? Cause I can explain. - I'm going to farm and sell snakes. - Maggie's gone! lt must’ve been Moe.

How about a drinkin' contest, boy? Right after I vote on the latest bill. How about before? Ha! You remind me of my high school drinking coach. Now enough talking. Let's drink. Now your job is to attach Krusty's bill to a more popular bill--

Mom, I think you might be developing a gambling problem. Hey, I'm watching you.

And this is for shooting down police helicopters. Oh, I don't need anything like that... yet. just give me my gun. Sorry. The law requires a five-day waiting period. We've got to run a background check. Five days? But I'm mad now! I'd kill you if I had my gun!

Oh! I got a bingo! What do I win? A banana. A whole one? Yep. That's the prize? A banana?

Ooh, Mr. Movie Star... gets to park right next to the stage. Oh. Luck of the draw, I guess. Can I give you a ride to your car? Well, sure. That'd be great. So, where are you parked? Oh, we don't have a car. But I thought you-- Just keep driving, boyo.

And, uh, incidentally, thanks for not making fun of my genitalia. I thought I did.

we have planned this defense for the city. As the comet hurdles toward the city, our rocket will intercept it and blow it to smithereens. Right! Oh! Dear God, no! And that will be the end of our Mr. Comet. We're saved!

Old MacDonald had a farm E-I-E-I-O And on this farm he had a chick The swingingest chick I know With a wiggle-wiggle here And a wiggle-wiggle there Get off the stage! I want to, but I can't!

George can be so stubborn when he thinks he's right. Oh, Homer too. They're so much alike. Too bad they got off on the wrong foot. It's just like the Noriega thing. Now he and George are the best of friends. Here's a little something we learned in C.I.A.

who rigs every Oscar night

Well, I'm fresh out of ideas.

Homer, please remember to wipe your sweat off that machine. I got a terrible rash yesterday. You know Rainier Wolfcastle? Yeah. He helped me blast through the burn and ride the zone.

It was her, all right! Take the one who wronged you. I, King Snorky, hereby banish all humans to the sea! Yeah! Pushy dolphins.

(GROWLING) Wait, stop. I know bullets can be scary sometimes. But I have an idea. First, we pull off all your fur. (ROARING) All right, all right! I'm still thinking.

I see. Well, I'll need some beer. I want you to look at me the way I saw you look at Arthur Fortune. Oh, Arthur Fortune. Yes! That's the look I'm looking for. What would make you and your slovenly kind look at me that way? Well, you don't have to call me slovenly.

Wheel him out quietly. It's best the children don't see him. Oh, just get it out of here! Not into the kindergarten! Mom! Dad! Martin died at school today! Ohhh! I don't see what that has to do with Groundskeeper Willie.

- 'Fraid noT. 'Fraid noT. - 'Fraid so. 'Fraid so. - 'Fraid not, infinity. Doh ! - 'Fraid so, infinity plus one.

I heard your dad went into a restaurant and ate everything in the restaurant, and they had to close the restaurant. My dad may have gained a little weight, but he's not some kind of food-crazed maniac. Ah! Oh! That's raspberry. Oh.

And when I hear You can't walk to Turkmenistan I say of course I can Screw you Hey, would you guys like tickets to the Independent Film Awards? Would we?

What ? What do you mean ? Well, don't you remember the Eighth Commandment ? Oh, of course. It's, "Thou shalt not... um, covet... graven images." Something about covet. Thou shalt not steal ! Oh. Anything else ?

Cool. Boss, here's the call for the third race. It's Suffering Succotash by a neck over Yabba-Dabba Do0, Ain't I a Stinker and That's All Folks. I am what I am can see them all, but Here comes Don't Have a Cow... flying on the outside! Don't Have a Cow! Hey, I like this kid.

Oh. Don't worry. This frosting will come right off. Beauty, isn't she ? It's hard for me to judge since I've never bowled in my life ! Well, if you don't want it, I know someone who does.

Hurts, don't it? Right. Do you know what a wet willie is?

(SCREAMS) What are you looking at, you bastards? (HUMMING) Bart, I spent all afternoon stuffing tuna fish into that steak. Have some. No, thanks. The vending machines at school feed me now. Oh, so I've been replaced by a machine?

Won't you join our tea party? It would be ever so-- Don't do it, Lisa! It's a trick! Run! Run!

Just wash your hands and get out.

Clowns are funny.

To take you in the sun to promised lands to show you everyone it's the time of the season For loving

"Best in the West." It rhymes. "Clown College"? You can't eat that.

Sir, the designers are here with some prototypes for your casino. Gentlemen, I give you Britannia! Gambling with all the glitz and glamour of the British Isles. Best of all, the waitresses and showgirls are all real Brits. Fresh from the streets of Sussex they are! Freshen your drink, governor? Get out. Okay. All right. Wait-- Now-- Now, dig this, man--

Time to go to Duff Gardens! Oh, great. Dad's dead.

minus two-thirds of the fare from Albuquerque to El Paso. Whoa ! Bart, there are students in this class with a chance to do well. Will you stop bothering them ?

"Tapping" into the "spines" of young voters, huh? Let's play the tape. Hey, Milhouse, cool jacket. It cost me 50,000 Bazooka joe comics.

Step away from the wall! Step away from the wall! Oh, it's so beautiful!

Tango 14, we're being fired at. I'm getting an exact I.D. on the bogey now. Iraqis again. Launching Sidewinder missile. Missed him. Launching second Sidewinder missile.

Is it possible to get a green spotlight? MAN: Sorry, sweetie. We don't have green. Let Daddy go talk to the man. (HUMMING)

You're gonna get such a beating.

Homer, your spine.

We're gonna go out and par-ty! Wait a minute. I'll put on my snow pants. Me too. Me too. Ah, the college road trip. What better way to spread beer-fueled mayhem? If you're going for a ride, I'd like you to take Bart and Lisa. But, Marge, we're college guys, and we're up to no good.

Aw, come on. There's lots of ways to pass the time. Hitch up your pants, air whittle. Make friends with a Chinese man. Uh, Mr. Simpson, you weren't supposed to leave the home. Thank you, Ping-Pong. My name is Craig. Sure, it is.

Don Barzini gets whacked. Tessio, oh, you wont see him no more. Moe Greene, bam! He gets it right in the eye. And Michael is now the new Godfather. And he shuts the door on Annie Hall.

Oh, we're surrounded, Marge. Maybe we should give ourselves up. But think of the scandal. Yeah, the British tabloids will have a field day.

Are you sure this is the casino? I think I should call my manager. Your manager says for you to shut up! Vera said that? Huh. Dad! Mom said she'd be home to help me with my costume. And she's not! And the geography pageant is tonight!

And now, let's give a big Fort Springfield welcome... to Mr. Bob Hope! What's the mayor's name? Quimby. Beautiful. Hello, this is Bob "What the hell am I doing in Springfield" Hope.

Hello. I'm Kent Brockman, and this is Eye on Springfield.

Overdue book? This is the biggest frame-up since O.J. Wait a minute. Blood in the Bronco, the cuts on his hands, those Jay Leno monologues. Oh, my God! He did it!

Lord, have mercy on my soul, and Mom's soul, and Dad's soul, and Maggie's soul. And let every soul in Christendom-- Bart!

I'm afraid that's insufficient. Officer, arrest the baby. Yeah, right, Pops. No jury in the world's gonna convict a baby.

Now you all stay here while I go over this way and try to get my bearings. What am I gonna do ? I've murdered us all ! I've murdered us all ! I've murdered us all ! Shut up ! Shut up ! Shut up !

And the winner of the Milhouse 500 is Milhouse!

And I further decree... that everything will be just like it was... before all this happened. And no one will ever mention it again... under penalty of torture.

Oh, wait. I mean D.W.I. I always get those two mixed up. My name's Mrs. Phillips. You said my husband is D.W.I. Uh-- Why don't you talk to that officer over there? I'm goin' out to lunch.

Today on Ben, mothers and runaway daughters... reunited by their hatred of Homer Simpson. And here's your host, Gentle Ben. I just have one thing to say. Let's have less Homer Simpsons...

Mr. Burns ! I'm gonna overlook this felony.

Oh, Lisa, it's terrible. Okay. This dance has gone Titanic. What happened? Well, the boys and girls are, like, afraid of each other. They're acting like a bunch of-- Kids? I know! What is up with that? It's because they are kids, and so are we.

Hey, quit it, Bart. Quit it. Quit it! Quit it! Quit it! Mom!! Don't use the Touch of Death on your sister.

i'm supposed to talk to you about Proposition 305. Moochin' war widows. But I have something more important to say.

This is Huh-Oh-Muh-Eh-Er's doctor. He's too sick to work today. (CHUCKLING) I'll be right back.

Jingle bells jingle bells Bart! Why are you doing that? I don't know. Well, this time you must be punished! Well, you could punish me, but--

You, uh-- You chopped off the president's head. Bet you didn't see that coming. You impaled a United States senator with the American flag. Why did Mr. Smith kill everybody? It was symbolism. He was mad!

A round of applause please for Anastasia! She loves show business. So much nicer than the savagery of the jungle, ja? Hey, tiger! Wake up!

"I have frozen myself so I may live to see the wonders of the future. "Thaw me out when robot wives are cheap and effective. P.S. Please alter my pants as fashion dictates."

I'm a man of few words. Any questions? Uh, is the poop deck really what I think it is? I like the cut of your jib. What's a jib? Promote that man.

- Kids can be so cruel. - But it's true.

Mmm! Here he is, Rex Harrison and Paul Anka rolled into one.

You see this watch? ts jammed with so manyjewels, the hands cant move.

If you don't want lamb chops, there's lots of other things I can make. Chicken breast, rump roast, hot dogs. No, I can't!

Dad, Mom's spending more time at Moe's than you are. And they seem awfully chummy. Just what are you inferring? I'm not inferring anything. You infer. I imply. Woo. That's a relief.

Nobody's gonNa tAke my Ned gonna teach him to have fun ooh, he's A FlanderS machine-- That sure was a fun trip to Las Vegas. Eh, too many kids.

And that was the first time she'd ever flown a plane. Uh-oh. The little fat boy and his family are in trouble. I'm comin' to rescue the lot of ya! All right, loony. Show me what you got. Is that the best you can do?

Why? I'm sorry, Bart. You know my parents can't find out about us. And besides, if it's secret, it's even more exciting.

Yes! That's what we wanted you to think!

Hot, hot, hot, hot.

Excuse me. It is now called "Pepsi Presents New Zanzibar."

You don't understand. Mom and Dad take good care of us. That was a baby tooth. It was loose! Don't you worry, little girl. We'll get you some nice county dentures.

Oh, wait a minute! There they are, Larry Burns and his kidnapper. Appearing in broad daylight with police everywhere, ladies and gentlemen, there's only one word for that-- idiocy.

They fought and fit they fought and fought and fit fought-fought-fought, fit-fit-fit the itchy and scratchy show! Uh-oh! Got to get back to karate class. Missed a spot. Dopey kid. Coming through. Step aside, lady.

Daddy, stop talking to that bum.

Ah-- Anti-polio. Homie, where did you get that ball of money? I've been doing some outside projects for Mr. Burns. Really? Like what? Ah, you know. Business stuff. Uh, downsizing, e-solutions, the glass ceiling.

Sending your chick a valentine, huh? Yep. johnny?

We're going in. Watch me blend in. Barkeep, some cheap domestic beer for me and my buddy here. I'm not your buddy, you greedy old reptile. Smithers, who is this saucy fellow? Homer Simpson. Sector sieben-gruben-- I mean, sector 7-G.

He's got a heart as big as my boobs! I guess we'll have to agree to agree on this one. Boobs!

Now who Wiii press my reset button'? Will it be you? Or you? Or.. you? Oh. Dad, look at this one.

There's nothing between me and Princess Kashmir. Princess who ? Hey, my photo. Your photo ? Uh-oh. Why you little-- Why you big-- Bart, go to your room. I'm out of here.

Uh, I got nothing. How about you, Frinky? I have captured the signal and am presently triangulating the vectors... and compressing the data down... in order to express it as a function of my hand. They're over there!

Ahoy, hoy? Hello, Mr. Burns. This is the kidnapper.

- Sprinkles and syrups. - Hey, Grampa. Aisle six and step on it. All right, but put out that cigar.

Your mouth is hopin' for a soapin', boy. Now stop asking silly questions and go kill your brother. (WHIMPERS)

Basho, he named himself. Banana Tree." Basho! Banana tree!

Tyler, is there a peaceful solution possible? (TYLER COOING) (BEEPING) (GASPING) All right, that's it. Show's over! Five, six, so long, hicks!

Oh, boo-hoo. After all the times I've done it, my wrist sounds like a cement mixer.

(SIGHS) I really don't care anymore. All useless. The credits really have to go this long?

If I spend any more time doing girl things I'm going to, you know, go fruity.

Hmm. Abortions for some, miniature American flags for others. Fooling these Earth voters is easier than expected.

San Francisco. Hello there, sailor! I'm here and fabulous! Now I'd like to make a motion. Wooh! You can't judge me by that sketch. It was a different time-- 1998.

and that guy's eating an apple.

Absolutely. If you watch even one second of PBS and don't contribute, you're a thief-- a common thief!

Nice glasses, four eyes. Yeah, nice shoes, uh, two feet. Yeah.

And that's why today bananas are called "yellow fatty beans." Questions? When are Mom and Dad coming back? Bored, are ya? Lisa, go cut me a switch. Oh! There's gotta be something to do around here. Hey, are they pulling the plug on anybody today?

She's still your mother. Come inside. Hmm? Can I get you a glass of milk? Cow milk? Uh-huh.

Sorry, I was just thinking of something funny Smithers did today. I didn't do anything funny, sir. Shut up.

Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God! I'm sorry! I'm so sorry! Sorry doesn't put thumbs on the hand, Marge! Well, calm down. If we hurry, they can reattach your thumb. Reattach a thumb? This isn't Gattaca! We've just gotta get your thumb to the-- Where did it go?

Huh? He's hideous! We have to do something. Marge, it'll cost $8,500. We only have 500 in the bank, and that leaves... eighty-hundred we need. I could get a job.

I did read to her. "8:00. Happy Days. "The Fonz, Henry Winkler, is worried he's losing his cool." Well, I've always been a firm believer in the three "Rs"--

but also became a great movie-- called Ghostbusters.

Achingly beautiful. Two and two are four Four and four are eight Eight and eight are sixteen Hello. Cherry cordials. I hope you like 'em.

I hate these Worker of the Week Award ceremonies. Who even cares anymore? Everyone that works here has already got one. Except forrr-- Hello. Well, today's the day for Homer J.

That's it! I'm comin' over there! Why don't you come over here! - I got something for you! - Shut up, the both of youse! Thank you for calling the Parking Violations Bureau.

Um, there's a hair in my soup-- but I'll just eat around it. What kind of hair? Well, it's blue, six feet long-- Eww! It's my hair! Excuse me.

That's not why I'm here.

This week I hope we can finish our work on the letter "A." Let me get this straight. We're behind the rest of our class, and we're going to catch up to them by going slower than they are? Cuckoo! Cuckoo! Cuckoo! Cuckoo! Cuckoo! Stop it! Stop it! Warren! Melvin! Gary! Dot! Gordy!

Then let us take our case directly to the townspeople. Oh, yeah. That'll be real productive. Who do you want to talk to first? The guy in the bumblebee suit, or the one with the bone through his hair? My opinions are as valid as the next man's!

I'm peeing on the seat. Give me a raise.

It just keeps going! I give up. You beat me, mountain! At least I won't freeze to death.

Movie For A Rained-Out Ballgame now returns... to Dyan Cannon, Troy McClure and the Muppets... in the 1977 film, The Muppets Go Medieval.

C) Lord, I see thou art working through thy imperfect vessel, Marge. For thou art most wise- You know, most people pray silently. Marge, he's way the hell up there!

You want to know what i see, Kent'? isee a siownews day with nothing to flii itl Arnie, you 're supposed to be filming people coping with the ioss of their church. And howam i supposed to do that'? Do i have a magic iens that can see into people 's souls? Well, yours wouid be black, K enti

It's so hard to listen. I hate you all so much! I'm sorry. It's my problem. I'll deal with it.

Lisa, you ruined my barbecue! I demand you apologize this second! I'm never, ever apologizing, because I was standing up for a just cause! And you were wrong, wrong, wrong! Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to my room! That's it! Go to your room!

Oh, I'm a living joke.

f Man f J Jellyfish J J i held you close J J And told you iiove youJ J But then the ocean took you backJ

Cut! Oh, my God! He's killed the original Alfalfa! Yeah. Luckily, Alfalfa was an orphan, owned by the studio. Oh, I see. Yeah. That makes sense.

Uh, excuse me. This is a hot set. No visitors. It's my room. Well, if you want, you can sit on this. Teamsters are sleeping in my room. We're just resting our eyes.

Bart, I got it!

It's money that's made just for the park. It works just like regular money, but it's, uh, fun. Do it, Dad. Well, okay. If it's fun. Let's see, uh, I'll take $1,100 worth.

Perfect. The Be Sharps. The Be Sharps. The Be Sharps. The Be Sharps.

Yes, sir. Sorry, baby. Date's over.

D'oh! D'oh! Where did that rat come from? He must have brought it in with him. Hmm. Damn it! Man, is he dumb. Where do they get these subjects? He's a little too well fed to be a wino.

Why'd you bring that up? It was an amusing episode... of our lives. Thanks for coming to visit me, Moe.

Listen! Ned Flanders murdered his wife! But why? She's such a fox. I mean, what's on Fox tonight? Something ribald, no doubt. I wish you'd stop spreading bad rumors about people. Remember how you got Grampa tarred and feathered? Sure. That was 20 minutes ago.

Oh, nuts! I don't know. Omelets have a lot of fat in them. Forget it. You're married. Let yourself go. They're running away. Bright light city gonna set my soul gonna set my soul on fire Aah!

- 65th-- - Annual-- - Spring-- - field-- - Pride A-- - wards! Tonight, we'll be recognizing outstanding members of-- - the-- - Springfield community. This is my year, Marge. Everyone knows I'm what makes this city great. I don't know. There's a lot of buzz around Lenny.

You're really pushing it. Come on, Homer. You can't spell obsequious without I.O.U. I'll have to trust you on that.

I don't hear an alarm. Let's take stuff. Whoa! Isn't that stealing? No, it's just looting. Sweet. Let's go nuts. Hot town Summer in the city Back of my neck gettin' dirty and gritty Mannequins! You can't buy these!

Are you getting lots of bugs in your mouth too? Yes.

Why does everybody keep saying that? Would you do me a favor? When you get back to class, just give him this note. Oh! Please? When she sees you'll do anything she says, she's bound to respect you. Sure! What's a big sister for?

Chief Wiggum P.I. will return... right now.

Homer, listen to me. Turn back now! Forget it. I'll be at the top by noon. Over and out. Homer Simpson, defying all medical advice, has switched to Powersauce's archrival, the Vita-Peach Health Log.

Party tonight at Roddy McDowall's. Whoo. I got a plastic Krusty-saurus.

Oh, I'll help you. Help you die! Waaah!

Girls, see how Marge's legs are slanted? You make Jackie O look like a splay-legged milk-horse. Now stand and walk. (STRUGGLING) Well done. I'd be proud if you grew up to be my husband's mistress. Thank you.

Look, Daddy, a whale egg! Oh, geez. I am so sick of companies dumping their crud in our ocean without a permit. It's not like those permits are hard to get. You're going right back where you came from. But, Daddy, you're on vacation. Crime doesn't take a vacation.

How many shares of stock will it take to end this conversation? - Two million. - It is done. Now let's watch another of our great cartoons, Lou Rawls, Secret Agent. You'll never find That microfilm of mine Bart, meet the voice of Angry Dad.

That place sucks. The nurses don't let Grampa do anything. They practically chew his food for him. Lucky stiff. I'm workin' my ass off here. Good steak, honey.

Hey, look, everybody! Free beer! Open your yaps, boyos! Hey, what the-- Oh!

Woozle wozzle? What the-- That's what passes for entertainment these days? Woozle wozzle? Ladies and gentlemen, the Clown Show...

From the world of organized crime, say hello to Anthony "Fat Tony" D'Amico!

Well, America's not perfect. So America isn't perfect. Is that why you and your son hate us? If by "us" you mean loud mouth talk show hosts,

Mmm. We need to start saving. Go easy on that! It's got to last till you're five.

Hey, the dog's dead.

The next day, we started auditioning for Chief Wiggum's replacement.

Uh, Brooks, Groening, Simon, you're all cut. Castellaneta, gone. Kavner, cut. Cartwright, cut. Smith, sorry. Cut. Azaria and Shearer, you're cut. Firestone, you're cut. So is judge. Namath, you stay. All of those people are cut.

Get 'em from the smoke detector. What if there's a fire? The smoke will wake us up.

Must hide Lisa! Come in.

Hello. Sir? Sir? Huh? I've returned from the Koolamuggerys' place. - They're draining clockwise too. - Draining? I don't care about that anymore. Are we in any dan--

Custard! Custard! Custard! They make The Blue Man Group look like Mummenschanz, which is still pretty good. Oh, the second one wants custard, too? That's a little repetitive.

Who am I kidding ? I really am a failure. Now I know how George Washington felt... when he surrendered Fort Necessity to the French in 1754. What ? Oh, you know. 1754. The famous defeat to the French. My God, Bart, you're right. So ?

That was such an exciting night. Morley Safer has the biggest head I've ever seen. I really had fun. (SIGHS) It's gonna be a letdown going to school tomorrow. We have to make a pilgrim out of felt. Hey, I'm covering the UN Women's Conference in Capital City tomorrow.

Good afternoon and welcome to the Do What You Feel Festival.

Homer, stop that. It's just a weather station. Come on, Marge. It's fun to smash things. I smashed it good. You got real "Purdy" hair. You know, Marge, of all the places we've been tonight,

Do you have my teeth? No. Okay, hotshots, now that my daughter is on your team, I want to make a few things clear. Please, Dad. I'll be fine.

Hey, can you still do cowboy tricks? Well, here's one I did in The Wild Lunch. Everything tastes better when it's lassoed! Would you lasso me a banana? Now how the hell would I do that?

Remember: Lie, cheat, steal and listen to heavy metal music ! Yes, sir !

Oh, Bart. What ? Go take some wildlife pictures or something. Ew, gross. Mom, Bart was taking a picture of his butt.

Back in 'Nam, I could command respect.

Religion? Learning? Let's get outta here!

True love at last. Well, it's just you and me here, sir. No time for jokes, Smithers. Come along. - We're going womanizing. - Oh, goody. So I foreclosed on her mortgage and took her cats.

My name is Helen Lovejoy, and I'll be playing Stella.

One, the bats in the public library. Two, Mrs. McFearly's compost heap. And three, our six-term mayor, the illiterate, tax-cheating, wife-swapping, pot-smoking spend-o-Crat,

We've got no car. We've got no money. And no one knows we're here! We're stranded! But on the plus side, I knocked over the sun sphere. Ha-ha!

If I hadn't already packed my letter opener, I'd give you such a stabbing. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Whoa, Ray. Are we gonna let politics get in the way of our friendship? Friendship? You told people I lured children into my gingerbread house. Yeah. That was just a lie.

Hawaii, here we come. Hawaii?

Now, this is a room with electricity, but it has too much electricity. So I don't know. You might want to wear a hat. Uh-huh.

Well, you know what they say, sir. "Where there's no smoke, there's no fire." What an odd remark. Why, that looks like a 50-cent piece. I'll just bend over and get it. Seems to be caught... between these two flowers.

(INCOHERENT BABBLING) (LAUGHING)

Twelve dollars. Hey, Barney, what'll it be? I'd like a beer, Moe. I'd like a single plum floating in perfume, served in a man's hat. Here you go. Hey, fellas. I'm back. Oh, that's great. Your replacement is getting tired.

Okay, i hear that. i hear that, dudes! You too, Gracie music dude! Guh!

Skinner with his crazy explanations The superintendent's gonna need his medication When he hears Skinner's lame exaggerations There'll be trouble in town tonight Seymour!

'Member when you almost became heavyweight champ? No. Finish him. Finish him!

We now return to Knightboat: The Crime-solving Boat.

Oh, goody ! A program-length advertisement ! Wait a minute, Troy. I'm a little confused. Did you say, "cleans and straightens" ? There's no confusion, Tina. just good science. Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like you to meet the inventor, Dr. Nick Riviera. Thank you, Troy. Hi, everybody !

Bleh! This virtual fudge tastes like crap. Mmm. Mmm. Not half as good as cyber-fudge.

Hmm. I'm detecting a distinct strain... of anti-intellectualism in this tavern.

Gee, thanks, guys. This is just like The Deer Hunter. The Deer Hunter? Uh, huh-- That reminds me. Didi mah! Didi mah! I'm sorry, guys. We're shuttin' down for a while. Sorry.

Now here's a trick about the hair. It's one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine points. And there you go. Perfect Barts every time. Now once you've mastered how to draw Bart, you can put him in all sorts of costumes. Some that he likes, some that he hates.

Damn ! No spots ! Ooh, I think there's one over there. Dad ? Not now, Lisa ! Oh, come on !

Huh? You're under arrest. D'oh! Think you can get this car home? Sure thing, giant beer. Ooh! Ow! Ow! Ow! Mother of Mercy! Hey! This is kinda fun. Whee!

Can't do it on purpose. But hey, maybe you'll get lucky. Okay, no reason to panic. Find an egghead, pump him for answers and, boom, I'm back on easy street.

Yes, sir, everything is gonna be just Perf-- Aaah! Damn, damn, damn. McBain.

No jail can hold me.

All right, all right. Here you go, boy. Get the scent. That's a shame. He had one day left till retirement.

You're gonna help us clean and organize them. And pry out all the dead hermit crabs. Get a screwdriver. I'll take my chances in the mystery wall!

Well, technically everything worked out all right, but-- - But? - Well, I wasn't the one who solved the problem, and neither was Lisa. There's something unsettling about that.

I'm so embarrassed, I wish there was a hole I could just crawl into and die. Okay, throw her in the hole. Oh, please. It was just a figure of speech.

Oh, don't worry, honey. I guarantee your father will behave. Mom, it's a picture phone. This? This? Oh, no. - I've just got a touch of the rheumatiz. - Oh. - Whew. - Mom, picture phone.

Yeah! Lawsuit? Oh, come on! My "seven words you can't say on TV" bit was entirely different... from your "seven words you can't say on TV" bit! So I'm a thief, am I? Well, excu-u-uSe me! Give him 10 grand. Steve Martin on four. Ten grand.

Homer, I don't want you driving around in a car you built yourself. Marge, you can stand there finding fault, or you can knit me some seat belts. Sorry, sorry. Dad, you got a letter from the City of New York. Throw it away. Nothing good has ever come out of New York City.

Mmm, recirculated air.

And when you couldn't find one? We went fishing. Do these sound like the actions of a man... who had "all he could eat"?

Keep 'em coming.

How are the southwestern pizza fingers? Uh, they're, um, "awesomely outrageous."

Television! Teacher! Mother! Secret lover. Urge to kill fading. Fading. Fading. Rising! Fading. Fading. Gone.

Heads up! Coming through. Hey, volleyball. Can I play later? Hi, Apu. Oh, dear. You have ruined my work, you flying fat man. Hey!

Oh, my God! Mr. Burns is dead! Why do the good always die so young? You almost killed me! Please, sir. You'll catch-- cold.

Oh! So he's the strudel-sucking globbenheimer who has bankrupted them with his expensive treatments.

Oh. I've never been so miserable in all my life. But I can't take it out on Marge and the kids. I've gotta carry the burden all by myself.

Well, time to go to work. Little do they know, I'm ducking out early... to take the Duff Brewery tour. Roll in at 9:00, punch out at 5:00. That's the plan. Heh, heh, heh! They don't suspect a thing. Well, off to the plant,

if you listen to my poem. D-ohh! Okay.

Warning! Warning! Prepare to be abducted.

Tobias! Did you accept a six-hour collect call from the States? It was an emergency call from the International Drainage Commission... in Springfield. Oh, my God! There's nothing wrong with the bidet, is there? Hello? Right! I'm calling from Squatter's Crog, Australia.

Hey, Flanders, who put that bug up your butt ?

the pile of money will be gone.

All right, but I'm doing this because he was Remington Steele. He was Remington Steele, wasn't he? Yes, I was, Marge. And thank you for selecting me. Well, hello, Pierce. Say, it's a bit stuffy in here. And I know a certain someone who really fancies lilac.

HAWKING: Badda-bing, badda-boom. And we're done.

Look, Bart, sometimes dogs or people hate you for no reason.

Where's he working? The Kwik-E mart. I hope you realize that your father can't keep this up. You're making me give up Princess? We can't make you. I can make her. Give me five minutes alone with her. NO, Bart. No one's making her.

One hundred thousand tons of reinforced concrete. Oh, my God! It's completely hollow! What happened to all the concrete? You cut back on building materials and kept all the money for yourself. - That's what happened. - Get him, Lise!

But now that we know what it can do, there's no need to- Mother!

Look at all them hot pants. - Hey! Who likes short shorts? - We like short shorts! who wearS short shorts we Wear short shortS they're such short shorts

Hmm. Mr. Hutz, do you know you're not wearing any pants? What? I move for a bad court thingy. You mean a mistrial? Yeah. That's why you're the judge, and I'm the law-talkin' guy. The lawyer. Right.

Hey, it was all a coincidence. Yup! There's your answer, fish bulb. Well, it was a good ride while it lasted.

Yes, that will do. Anyway, i-i say we invest that money back in the nuclear plant. I like the way Snrub thinks.

In other words, ugly. I wanted Mary Ann on Gilligan's island ugly, not Cornelius on the Planet of the Apes ugly. TV ugly, not ugly-ugly. I've been called ugly, pug ugly, fugly, pug fugly, but never ugly-ugly.

You did this, Bart Simpson! The man knows quality work. This time you're in for it, Bart.

I believe people would be a lot happier without presents. Hmm. You've given me a lot to think about. LISA: People would be a lot happier without presents. Presents are material goods, and attachment to material goods kills the soul.

Are you ready to tear it up? I can't hear you. Do you maggots want to see a show or not? I mean, uh-- Here they are! The Party Posse!

Oh, his waggle is no match for yours, sir. I've never seen you lose a game. Except for that one in '74 when you let Richard Nixon win. That was very kind of you, sir. Oh, he just looked so forlorn, Smithers, with his... "I can't go to prison, Monty. They'll eat me alive!" Say, I wonder if this Homer Nixon is any relation?

It's so quiet here without the kids. What I wouldn't give to hear Lisa play another one of her jazzy tunes. Saxo-mo-phone Saxo-mo-phone Ohh.

I always wondered if there was a God, and now I know. There is, and it's me. You're not a god, Homer.

Ooh! One of the turkeys fell behind the bed. Mmm. Foot-long chili dog.

You know, somebody needs to learn your green ass some responsibility. Yeah! Now hold on, Kang. You can't bully my audience with your fancy ray gun.

Okay, Homer, stay calm. just quietly get this stuff inside your house. Homer, you're not listening! That medicine's not for you. Come on, Marge. Maybe I'm not getting enough... estrogen.

Now give it back. Give what back? Ohh! It's hard to believe there's a place worse than America. But we found it.

Oh! A car impound lot! The impenetrable fortress of suburbia!

Wait, Homer. If that bar holds, we just might make it back to Earth. Hmm. And I'll bash you good!

Mom! Since I got my present early, I think you should get yours early too. Bart get a present early? Then I should get a present early. I want a present! Lisa, you have to wait.

Lisa! That's right. It was I. Lise, why did you do it? Come on, Bart! In your pre-fascist days you knew the thrill of futile rebellion.

Oh-- They're not very-- Yes? Yes? Yes? They're terrible. What? I'm not saying you're a bad inventor. I'm just saying these particular... inventions are awful, and no one in their right mind would buy them or accept them as gifts.

to join Otto and Becky at 742 Evergreen Terrace"?

And I didn't tap all those Morse code messages to the Allies... till my shoes filled with blood... just to roll out the welcome mat for the Reds. All right. I'll be the stupid curtain puller. Smoothly. Pulla-pulla-pulla. I get your pulla-pulla-pulla.

Canada? Why should we leave America to visit America Junior?

Hey, fellas! Hey, you wanna stop with the kicking? My pills are in that can! Good gravy! I don't kick your things. When you're trying to breathe on the machine, do I go up and kick it? Oh, now look at that. It went down the sewer! You happy?

All right! The mummy's ready for his mystical journey!

Oooh, I've wasted my life.

If my dad could see this, he'd be so mad. He can. There's a Web cam right there. Of all the sites on all the Web... I had to click onto his. w'w' w'w'

Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Listen, shut up for a second.

and the stock market is much lower.

And these planks below us were often used as a sidewalk...

Shouldn't you people be groveling?

We've been very patient with you, Mr. Flanders. I know, but-- Wait a minute. I'm Homer Simpson. Ned Flanders lives over there. Oh. Flanders is in debt? Are you sure?

Walking in a winter wonderland Exquisite. Just exquisite.

Last week some jehovah's Witnesses came to the door, and I wouldn't let them leave. They snuck away when I went in the kitchen to get more lemonade.

I do not miss Bart at all. I am glad he's gone. As am I. B'oh! It's probably my imagination, but something about them didn't seem quite right. Really? Excuse me for just a moment.

Practice ball. Practice ball. Real, real, real, real, real! Whoo-hoo!

Ho-ho. Stupid sheep.

Dad, aren't you coming? No. Now, don't pout. I'm not pouting. You are. You gotta come. I just got your hat out of the fridge.

Pokémon? Pokémon? With the pokey and the man... and the-- That is the darnedest thing.

These plants are all lifeless and limp. Maybe they'd feel more at home in the bedroom, Al. Uh-oh. Oh, the network slogan is true. Watch Fox and be damned for all eternity.

I wrote it down. "Number... Number 4½..." Stupid gum! "Number 4½ reed." Whoo-hoo! Mm-hmm. What instrument does she play? I don't know. Mom, where is he?

Where's Lisa? Shh! This plot is hard enough to follow as it is. On the spaceship Lollipop Gingerbread men like to do hip-hop And chocolate chips Huh?

What's it doing in the gymnasium? Yee-haw! Bart, have you lost your--

Hey, look, Sean. It's that family everybody hates. Whatever. Uh, Miss Hoover. Miss Hoover. Forget it, Lisa. I'm not teaching you anything until I get my money back. Now turn your desk around and stop learning.

Now we just add color. In five minutes, it'll be on the World Wide Web. I can't wait that long. To pass the time, help yourself to some more stock.

I hope you're happy, kid. The studio's bankrupt. You just killed Itchy and Scratchy. We killed Itchy and Scratchy? Good riddance. Wanna go celebrate? I feel like liver and onions. Mmm.

There's a can. You have to cut these six-pack holders up, otherwise fish get trapped in them. I see. Ha-ha!

Oh, I don't get the job, do I? Well, boo-hoo! I don't get to be a cartoon dog! That's it! You've got the job! Oh, now I got the job, huh? Oh, thank you.

Oh, my tummy! I told you we should've served cake instead of oysters! I'm ruined! Ha-ha--

Hello? Anyone home? Marge? Maggie? Ahhh!

Oh. Oh. Okay. Calm down. just think. What would Curtis E. Bear do? Move it! I gotta return this suit! Hmm. Get out of the way!

You're all sick! Oh, be nice! Oh! My son doesn't stand a chance! The whole world's gone gay! Oh, my God! What's happening now? We work hard. We play hard.

Vibrate for me, footstool.

Milhouse, do you ever worry that your mom might stop loving you? What? I'm more worried about piranhas. Did you see that movie where they sent a nuclear submarine to fight the piranhas, and one of them swims right down the periscope and bites the guy in the eye, and he goes, "Aah! Aah! Aah!" and that old lady told him it would happen?

What's that stench? Once you get used to the smell of melted hog fat, you'll wonder how you ever did without it. Mmm. Hog fat.

Dr. Zaius, Dr. Zaius Dr. Zaius, Dr. Zaius Dr. Zaius, Dr. Zaius Oh, Dr. Zaius Dr. Zaius, Dr. Zaius What's wrong with me I think you're crazy Want a second opinion You're also lazy Dr. Zaius, Dr. Zaius

What's for dinner?

Behold mighty Caesar, in all his glory!

Why all the black? Why all the pearls? Why all the hair? Why anything? You look a little nervous, Dad. No, you look a little nervous, Lisa. You're up to something aren't you? No! I'm just going out to commit certain deeds. Suckers.

That's right, dear. Enjoy your rest. The wedding was very tough on you... and the honeymoon is going to be... murder.

Little do you know you're drawing ever closer to the poisoned doughnut. There is a poisoned one-- isn't there, Smithers? Uh, no, sir. I discussed this with our lawyers. They consider it murder. Damn their oily hides! Bring him to me!

Hey, the floor's sticky. Who's that guy? What did that guy say when I said, "Who's that guy?" Oh, that submarine is so fake. Look, you can see the strings. Ooh! An octopus! - Shh! - What?

All you did was yak, yak, yak. You didn't even shoot anybody." Damn! I knew it.

Do they have Krusty partially gelatinated nondairy gum-based beverages? Mm-hmm. They call 'em shakes. "Shakes." You don't know what you're gettin'. Well, I know what I'm gettin'-- some doughnuts. Uh, help me out of the booth, boys.

Come on, everybody. We're going to the fanciest restaurant in town.

Sir, you deserve the finest doctors in the world. I'm taking you to the Mayo Clinic in Minnesota. Very well. But I'll need someone to watch my house. Who's that fellow who always screws up and creates havoc? Homer Simpson, sir? Yes! The way I figure it, he's due for a good performance.

Yes, I'll hold. Everybody loves A clown so why don't you Yep, here's your problem.

Nuts to this. I'll just go get Homer Simpson.

Hang on. The manual says I need to log on to the onboard computer. M-A-R-G-E. Hello, Marge. Where would you like to go today? No one has ever asked me that before in my life.

Hey ! Wha-- Come on, you stupid tube ! Hmm. Looks like there's a jam in Delta sector. It's too big to be human. Send down a few kids. That should dislodge it. Roger.

and take his tickets? Ye-- No. - Oh. - Hmm? Flanders, I decided I'd like to go to the game with you. Well, get out the Crayolas and color me tickled pink. Ooh, what's with the lead pipe? Were you gonna give my noggin a floggin'? Well, yeah.

Is your husband or lover here, ma'am? No, my husband is... at church. Aw, that's my girl. I love you, Marjorie. - Yeah, she's quite a gal. - You shut up. So when you realized Christmas was ruined, how did you feel?

Here's your lottery ticket. Thank you for knocking over my inventory. Come again. Bart, I need some lucky numbers fast.

Hi-yo! Hi-yo! Got your nose. Got your wallet. No! Bart, don't you ever do that again. Understand? Beep.

You know, Simpson, from the moment you walked into my office... I had a feeling I'd kill you in a hall of mirrors.

Want a chocolate? Hold it right there, Forrest Plump! This town has laws against impersonating movie characters. Oh, behave! Uh-- Oh.

Whoa! Check it out! Mad Dog's on fire! Stop, drop and roll, man! That's for Clydes, baby. A little fire can't hurt you. But Mad Dog was wrong. The fire burned through the night... and cost him the use of his pants.

Ohh! Sounds like another Pulitzer for me to polish. Hush, field trip boy! Impaled on my Nobel Peace Prize. How ironic. Yo! Lise! Lise! Come back, Lise! Come back! Why? I'm so much happier here.

"Decalcify calcium ducts?" Well, give me a "Y." Give me a-- Hey. All I have to type is "Y." Hey, Miss Doesn't Find Me Attractive Sexually Anymore. I just tripled my productivity. Good. Good for you. "Y." "Y."

Yeah. Yeah. Ha, ha! April Fools'. I've been keeping that carton of milk next to the furnace for six weeks. Sucker! You're goin' down, Homer. I'm gonna fool you. You talk better than you fool. I'll fool you up real nice.

It's a mop. My will be a janitor. That looks like an Olympic torch to me. He could be an athlete and go on to have a great acting career. It's a dustpan. The wax never lies. Let's play truth or dare.

Well, looky here. Little Bart Simpson. Nelson, I'm afraid I'm gonna have to teach you a lesson. Ha ! Oh, yeah ? You and what army ? This one. Artillery, commence saturation bombing !

In the meantime, I gotta tell those Internet guys to hold tight. - Can I come too? - Good idea. You can speak nerd to them. I'm not a nerd, Bart. Nerds are smart. Oh, my God! What happened?

Well, I'll be damned. I'm afraid so, yes.

(SOFTLY) Marge, are you awake? Marge? (CHUCKLING) (THUDDING)

Hello, I'm Marco, I'll be your waiter. I'm Homer, I'll be your customer. Never heard that one before.

It seems she goes wild with desire if her husband nibbles on her elbow. We need names!

We Are the adequate forgettable occaSionally regrettable caretaker presidents of the U.S.A.

I think you misheard me.

A joke, an opinion, an idea. That lousy pothole! Why don't they fix it? I heard Mayor Quimby spent the street repair fund... on a secret swimming pool for himself.

A paddy wagon is now speeding to your home. Hey! While you wait, why not buy a police cap or t-shirt? You have the right to remain fabulous. Here it is, everybody-- The world's greatest Web site.

You like attention, don't you, Bart? Do I ever. But you don't care... whether you get good attention for, say, getting high marks in school, or bad attention for, say, turning your father into jack-in-the-box. Homer, I see you agree with my theory. I'm not nodding. It's the air conditioning.

for a life-long Republican? In our overcrowded cell we became little more than beasts. Who used my chap stick? Oh, i did. Here you go. I don't want it.

¡Ay! ¡QuÉ agonÍA! Oh, he wants that corn so much. ¡Ay! ¡Dios no me ama!

Whee! I guess every father thinks his daughter is the cutest. Well, now there's a way to prove it. Wow, President of Laramie Cigarettes, jack Larson! This year, Laramie is sponsoring... the Little Miss Springfield Pageant.

Mmm, McNuggets. f Sia vering f i ii get those no-good indians. .. - fast as sure as my favorite book is- - f Homer's Voice] Magazines. f Homer Snoring f - f Bats Voice] Wake up, Dad. - [Homer's Voice f Huh? What?

we can't even get any local laws passed without everyone singing like A big Broadway cast

Welcome to Japan, folks. The local time is... tomorrow.

Wouldn't it, Flanders?

Oh, well, of course everything looks bad if you remember it.

That's Homer Simpson's computer. Oh, God! It's spreading! Happy New-- Wha-- Oh, no. It's happening.

Here's your first assignment. What the--

I think you're making him angry. Come on. What's he gonna do? Run amok in downtown Springfield?

You know, you can influence people without badgering them always. It's like Paul's song, "Live and Let Live." It was "Live and Let Die." Whatever, whatever. It had a good rhythm. I guess I have been pretty hard on a lot of people, especially my dad. Thanks, you guys.

Hold me close. Kiss me. I'm Irish. Ew! Nasty!

Drugs? Everything is drugs! Banana made of drugs, monkey made of drugs. Look, all market made of drugs. I'd like to buy this. Only American money. Our money is made of drugs. To make this plant economically viable... youve gotta lay off 112 people. If you dont patch the leak in cooling tower two, you will go to jail.

You mean there's been cake in our freezer for 11 years? Why was I not informed?

What's the matter? Can't you find a hairstyle you like? Hold the phone. That's the one for me. - Ed Asner? - No, next to him. Mary Tyler Moore. - Mmm. - Mmm. - Mmm. Expiration date, june 1989, uh, 2012, yeah.

It's gaining on us! I'm pedaling backwards. Abandon ship! I don't like being outdoors, Smithers. For one thing, there are too many fat children.

You want to be my slave? Outstanding! Mmm. Speed it up, ugly. Eh. He had a good run.

Hey, I can't look at that! I have a girlfriend back home!

Oh, sweetie! Hmm. Oh. Dont worry, Maggie. I'll have these silly things out in just two days. Till then I'll just try to hide them from the family.

Come on, come on. Let's go! No! My Spine-O-Cylinder! They'll pay for what they did to my can! Forget it, Homer. It's Chiro-town.

Wow. My mind just created that out of nothing. This tank is releasing the full potential of my brain. Ooh, ee, ooh, ah-ah Ting, Tang, walla-walla bing-baNg ooh, ee, ooh, ah-ah walla, bing-bang ting-ting too

- Oh! - Marge! Your shoe! The plane tickets! Whoa! Whoa!

Uh, Tony, please! No. I just ate a whole plate of "dingamagoo."

Mmm. Mmm. And look. There's a photo in here. Mm, yes. I believe that's little Maggie Simpson, the baby who found my precious teddy bear, Bobo. Oh, and that Simpson mutt, my former guard dog. Oh, and, uh, that's Bart Simpson.

Welcome, neighbors. Since the police can't seem to get off their duffaroonies... to do something about this burglareeno, I think it's time we start our own neighborhood watch... aroonie!

Hey, Alison, what's the answer to number nine? I can't tell you, Ralph. I can't tell you either, Ralph. Leave me alone.

Wow, that was close. Well, thanks a lot, Homer. Well, it's all-- Hey! I thought you twisted your ankle. Oh, yeah. Well, see the thing about that is--

Well, I would prefer we kept your marriage a secret. A lot of women are going to want to have sex with you, and, uh, we want them to think they can. Well, if I explain it to Marge that way, I'm sure she'll understand.

I don't think so either. You're collecting days are over, Collector!

just, uh, for fun. Oh.

Sweet Georgia Brown! Something is rotten at the Simpson house!

I'm dizzy! I'm nauseous! Oh, but I'm popular! Huh?

There's the coffee mug from Heartbeeps! And there's the cane from Citizen Kane! Wait a minute. There was no cane in Citizen Kane. And there's that awful script from The Cable Guy. Lemme see. Stupid script! Nearly wrecked jim Carrey's career!

(WHIMPERS) Oh! Oh. Time to make you pretty! (BOTH GRUNT) (WHIMPERS) PATTY: Oh, yes. A little more color. How do I look?

I foresee a life of bitterness and failure for you, Bart Simpson. How'd you know my name? Your father just took out a second mortgage downstairs. You're listed as collateral. Oh. I thought maybe you were some kind of Indian mystic who could tell the future. Who says I'm not? Whoa!

So long, you stupid British twits! Oh! You'll never catch me! I'm traveling at the speed of wind! (CHUCKLES) Remember me for my police work and not the murders...

- Hi, prom date. - Oh, Marge. Pour vous. Hmm. Why so glum ? I got a problem. Once you stop this car, I'm gonna hug you and kiss you. And then I'll never be able to let you go.

You understand these things. You're a grandmother.

Oh, man. You want a bad night? Try sleeping on one of these.

Oh, I hope no one's drawing this! Ow!

There is no way I'm going to be dating a man with pie on his face. (SOBBING) (ALL LAUGHING) There's a note! (READING) Finally, a superhero that kids can love. What about Fist Face?

Yes. Yes, Manjula. I will take care of all the wedding plans. You just get on a plane and come to America. I have to go. Believe me, I'd like to.

Get it out! Ow! Ow! It's pulling out my hair.

The point is I want you to stop making these calls. All right, Mom. I promise you will never be billed for another call. Bobby Sherman.

Here's $50. Why not go to the movies? Then take a cab to your aunts' house. Stay there. I'll phone call you later. Now, now, now. Whoa! Homie, what's-- Marge, I'll explain to you afterwards.

Why, that's a fabulous idea. Anything else you'd like? How about real lead in the radiation shields? Urinal cakes, maybe? Smithers, throw this at him. Smithers, where does that tube go? I'm not sure, sir. It was here when we moved in.

Far too much dancing, not nearly enough prancing. A little mincing would be nice.

Well done. Their fleet is destroyed. (SINISTER LAUGHTER) Daddy, I had the craziest dream. Ralphie, you're still in it. Whee!

Cuff her, boys! Off the record, ma'am all the gals on the force knew just how you felt. That's nice. Could you loosen my cuffs? No. Don't worry.

So be it. Kill the dorks! Bash their butts! Kick their shins! Kill the dorks! Bash their butts! Run away!

In culture-- dead last. Eleanor, we've got to do something about this depression. So I propo-- Oh, that's right. I'm crippled.

Lisa, maybe you should try some of this. Homer ! I'm just saying why not have two geniuses in the family ?

Mmm, recirculated air.

Nineteen. Hit me. Twenty. Hit me. - Twenty-one. - Hit me. - Twenty-two. - D'oh! If I ever meet your dad--

Isn't there something you'd like to say? There sure is. Kids, you tried your best, and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

Yep. That's the rule. He who tops it off drops it off. Nuh-uh. It isn't filled until it's spilled. I wuv you. I wUV-- Love you--

She broke my heart, Moe. Don't worry, Barney. Time heals all wounds. Well, what do you know ? You're right ! And, look, a whole pitcher to myself !

(COCKS GUN) Yeah. All the way down. (COCKS GUN) What you said didn't really add much. (COCKS GUN) I know. I just wanted to belong. (COCKS GUN) Well, we all feel that way sometimes. (COCKS GUN)

No, Bart. This note isn't about you. It isn't ? There must be some mistake. Hey, you're right. This note's about Lisa. Lisa ?

I have a husband.

Well, what do you expect? These yokels are pure Baltic Avenue. Uh-oh! I'm late for the Short Line Railroad.

I made omelets from the eggs people threw at our house. Dig in, everybody. Omelets for dinner? This is the best day of my life.

Lisa, soon you will have a Chinese baby sister who will surpass you academically. I don't know about that. I'm considered pretty smart.

Nice grizzlies. Nice grizzlies. That's a good grizzly. Oh. Oh. Huh ? Maggie ! Oh, my little girl. Nice grizzlies. Nice grizzlies.

Uh, sure. Great. We eat at 7:00. There's only one thing to do at a moment like this: strut!

They fight and bite They bite and fight and bite Bite, bite, bite Fight, fight, fight The Itchy and Scratchy Show As we join tonight's adventure, we find Itchy at the counter of his butcher shop. Hiya, Scratchy.

What the hell was that? Calling home planet. This is Ensign Kang reporting a cigar-shaped object moving at tremendous speed. Sure, Kang, I'm writing it all down.

Sure. I can loan you all the money you need. However, since you have no collateral, I'm gonna have to break your legs in advance.

Come on. Right across the plate. Let's see what you got, huh? This one's for the little crippled boy... that I crippled. You can do it, Paul! Gimme a kiss for luck.

Shaka Zulu! Which way should we go?

Stop it! Stop it! Don't you realize you've just been brainwashed by corporate propaganda? Apparently, my crazy friend here hasn't heard of the food chain. Yeah. Lisa's a Grade A moron. When I grow up, I'm going to Bovine University.

Oh, no! I don't know how to feel. You should be very upset. Got it. How was that? A little much.

Stop it! Stand still! Maybe I can pop it back in. Oh, no. I'm going to preserve the evidence until Mom and Dad get home. And you'll never babysit again! You know, honey, when I think of all the good times we've had together--

Journalistic dynamite.

Better turn on the old Wiggum charm. Pervert! Oh, boy. That sounded bad. We demand you bring in a police chief who will enforce the prohibition law.

- Cyohl - Cyohl - Cyohl - Cyohl - Son of a- - Cyohl

Jackanapes. Lollygaggers. Noodleheads! Enchantress!

Cheeky. No feeling no feeling Ahh! No feeling jolly sodding X-mas, Major. For anybody else Choke on it! Oh, crikey! You gave me a smash on the noggin last year.

We've had lots and lots

Gym? That's the stupidest thing I ever heard!

My son went down to Earth once. I don't know what you people did to him, but he hasn't been the same since. (SWING SQUEAKING) Oh, he'll be fine. And you could still spare my family by... Pass. Buddy, you just made yourself a powerful enemy.

North Haverbrook. Where have I heard that name before? Oh, no. Oh, no! There he is-- seat 3-F!

Mom! Lise! Check it out. Dad's on TV. Oh, yeah!

Don't do it! Don't do it! You'll kill everyone! ...do it! ...do it! ...kill everyone! Sure is taking me a long time to reach this button.

The only reason we don't move out of this dunghill is because of my court-ordered ankle bracelet. (BEEPING) I'm here. I'm here. Quit bugging me. Why do you always have to show that to company? It's a conversation starter. (GROANS)

Oh, that's it, baby. All for Moe. Oh, yeah, work the slot. Show me the package. Whoa. That's-That's a project I'm workin' on. Sorry.

You stole my money! Bart, stop that! That's okay. His cute little hands cant even fit around my neck.

We can all work together to build a utopian society, free of violence, hate and prejudice. That sounds beautiful, Ned. And let me just say...

Oh, wait. It's this hand. Whoa! Uh, sir, we found the problem. Some idiot threw this in the reactor core.

Give me my bear, Simpson! It's The Sou-ou-oul Mass Transit System. Give it to me.

Car parked across three handicapped spaces.

Hello? Good morning. This is your wake-up call. Wake-up call? It's 2:00 a.m. Sorry, fatso. Free food? Lisa, I'm Faith Crowley-- patriotism editor of Reading Digest.

Help! Help! Murther! Ah! The Mutton Chop Murderer is long gone. But this ledger will lead us to him. (GROANS) This potion will give me new life.

I did. I did read to her.

Sorry, Rosarita. I got to get to my birthday party. Farewell, SeÑor Bart.

Good riddance to bad blubber. Smithers, want to go get a cup of coffee? I just had one, sir. What the... Why is everyone so insolent today?

Below! Thanks, little girl! The knee bone's connected to the... Something the something's connected to the Red thing the Red thing's connected to my wristwatch Uh-oh.

Girl, you really got me going you got me so I don't know what I'm doing now You a winner! Ha-ha-ha! You a winner! Ha-ha-ha! You a winner! Ha-ha-ha!

A hamster ball! Just like the one that saved Ezekiel! We're free! And we've got something to eat!

went to the park the ice cream social the boat show and other wholesome activities and they never ruined their fun by giving in to their throbbing biological urges. Then came the big day. Fluffy and Fuzzy got married.

If maggie's fussy don't avoid her let me get away with "moider" teach us Songs and magic tricks might I add no fat chicks Homer!

Gotcha, Mrs.-- Ow!

Go ahead. Take 'em all. Seeing as no one was hurt, I think it would be really silly to dwell on this. Come on ! Come on ! Finally ! Hello, vigilant viewer.

Don't just stand there. Bury me. Sire, I know what you usually do to the bearer of bad news, but, well, we're running out of pikes to stick your wives' heads onto. I'll show you running out of pikes! Hey, what do you know? You were right. That means a lot.

But I'm out of the woods now, right? I mean, whatever doesn't kill me can only make me stronger. Oh, no. Quite the opposite. It's made you weak as a kitten.

Doh ! Whoo ! Doh ! Whoo ! Doh ! Whoo ! Doh ! Whoo ! Doh ! Whoo-hoo ! Doh ! Whoo-hoo ! Doh ! Whoo-hoo ! Whoo-hoo ! 249 ! Yeah ! Wah-wah-wah ! Marge ! Marge ! Look at me ! My clothes are just hangin' off me. That's wonderful ! Isn't it, kids ?

Quiet, you drunk. Where's Ranger McFadden? - Right here, sir, right behind the drunk. - Wait a minute.

Well, actually you did. Yarr, yarr.

Come on, Mom. Yeah, Mom. Hurry up.

Sure, they are. They came from eggs in a bird's nest, therefore they're birds. "Ickso fatso." One-- they don't have beaks. Two-- they don't have feathers. And three-- they're lizards! You're a lizard! Enough bickering. I know how to settle this.

Soon they'll be leaving the nest and you'll have time for yourself. Hundreds of thousands of hours. And then the peace of the grave.

I'm here today to give you the skinny on shoplifting, thereby completing my plea bargain... with the good people at Foot Locker of Beverly Hills. Shoplifting began here in ancient Phoenicia. Thieves would literally lift the corner of a shop... in order to snatch the sweet, sweet olives within. Oh, Sheheqazaramesh, will you ever learn?

I don't care if it takes me all night. I'm gonna get me that lobster harmonica. Come on, lobstie. Whoo.

"Dear Mr. Burns, "I'm so glad you enjoyed my son's blood, and your card was just great." Why, Simpson, you've made my day. You're a true gentleman. Yeah, well, I'll be on--

Dean Martin still packs 'em in. Ditto Tom jones. Shut up! With your father on the road all the time, I tried to compensate for his absence. Hi, kids. I love--

Oh, no! It's the apocalypse! - Bart, are you wearing clean underwear? - Not anymore. It's the rapture! And I never knew true love.

Ah, no, that's Mayor Quimby. Ah, here we go. Precious Venus. Thank you.

I ain't gonna get out of the fourth grade alive. You've gotta tell Principal Skinner, Bart. I can't squeal. It would violate the code of the schoolyard. Hey, everybody ! Here comes my brother, Bart the bully-killer ! - Yeah ! - You're our hero, Bart !

Why don't we dump them in the nursery and get a glass of punch ? Oh, I'm not much of a drinker. Hey, isn't that your boy there torturing the swans ? Bart ! Maybe I will take you up on that punch. Gee, do you think we should leave the kids unsupervised ?

Ow! ow! Aah! This club better be worth it. All right, all right. It's Lisa's turn.

Milhouse, I got a confession to make. I'm the one who narc'ed on your kissing. What?! Milhouse is out bed and full beans. Whoa, it's a miracle!

but compared to Mr. Burns, he's judge freaking Reinhold. I don't know who that is.

I rolled up all the socks. What's next? - While I deal with this, why don't you start on that basket? - All right. Ohh! I hate folding sheets. That's your underwear. Well, whatever it is, it's a two-man job. Where's Bart? He's up in his room. Bart!

Anybody? Okay. That's okay. Because making a happy home isn't like flipping on a light switch. Duh, light switch? There are tricks to it, things you should have learned a long time ago, such as, if you leave milk out, it can go sour. Put it in the refrigerator, or, failing that, a cool, wet sack.

Hello. Yeah, hello yourself. I'm Moe Szyslak. Back in high school, I asked you... to the Springtime Pumpkin Dance and you turned me down. Well, I just wanted to show you the face that you could have been kissing. Yeah.

Take the sob sister act somewhere else. You're standing in my light. Bart, you're staying! Lise, I've learned a valuable lesson here, the pen is mightier than the flaming bag of poop. Oh, it's beautiful! This is an outrage!

Hmm? Mr. Burns, I think he's dead. Oh, dear. Send a ham to his widow. Mmm. Ham. No, wait. He's alive. Oh, good. Cancel the ham. D'oh!

Driving is my last chance to feel alive. Well, you brought me into this world, so, no! Fine! I'm dead. Dad, get up. No, I'm dead! - Grampa, come on. - Dead! Dead! Dead! Dead! Dead! Dead!

Okay. I got an "A" on my vocabulary test. What ? You did ? Well, that's just-- Oh, what a glorious day ! Lisa, hand me your paper. I'm just gonna take this over to the refrigerator and-- Hmm. Well, as long as I'm here, I might as well kill two birds with one stone. What's the big idea ? You covered up my paper.

Whoo-hoo. Go, S.U.! A&M is gonna kick your ivy-covered butts. Yeah? Well, you went to a cow college. Oh, you're only calling us a cow college 'cause we were founded by a cow.

I'm-- I'm... an impostor.

Activate Prawn Power!

Time for Brazil's favorite kids' show, Teleboobies. Clockwise. Counterclockwise. Where's your father? Kidnapped. Oh, my God! Wh-What are we supposed to do? I don't know. Wait for the call.

Sir, with all due respect, an old box of cookies is not a legal contract. Ow! My eye! Is that our fault? We're in big, big trouble. He could sue us. It was defective string. Yeah, and it's got very sharp corners. Mr. Simpson, we've decided to make good on your vacation. Whoo-hoo!

Help us, Homer. Yeah, help us, you fat yutz. Wow.

Look, if you ignore me and I die, you'll get in a lot of trouble. Read page six of the school charter. "No teacher shall be held accountable if Bart Simpson dies." We're also absolved if Milhouse gets eaten by the school snake. Hey, cool! There's a rabbit in here!

Here, kids. I guess you deserve this. Let's go. I guess nobody likes the truth, huh, Grampa? Nope. I'll never watch an awards show again. Unless that delightful Billy Crystal's involved. Marge! I passed!

He's hurt. Go, go, gol These are Homer's friends and family. They dont want him dead. They just want him to suffer. Thank you, Lord.

is because he was such a fine speaker. That's a myth that got mixed up with the truth. You are tampering with forces you can't understand. We have major corporations sponsoring this event. I hope you know you're sponsoring a celebration for a murderous pirate.

Take it easy, folks. It's "snow" picnic out there. I "snow" what you mean. You're deadweight, Marty.

Here's where I stopped checking it last time. September, 1929. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Smithers, why didn't you tell me about this market crash? Um, well, sir, it happened 25 years before I was born.

I'm sorry, Dad, but you wouldn't understand. Oh, sure, I would, princess. I have feelings too. You know, like, "My stomach hurts." Or "I'm going crazy !"

Bash their butts! Kick their shins! Kill the dorks! Bash their butts! Run away! The hunt is on.

And now we come to Mr. Homer Simpson. Did you know he likes to eat out of the Flanders' garbage? Oh, Homer. I have a problem.

I feel that you should shut up. You know, you really irritate me, Skinner. What with your store-bought haircut and excellent posture. - Mister, I can't stand the sound of your voice. - Oh, really? Oh, now, now. There's no need to resort to violence. Aw, sure there is.

Never! Never! Never! Never! Never! Never!

We'll get it back or choke their rivers with our dead!

What is this all about? It's quite simple, really. I observed our friend, Groundskeeper Willie, burning leaves-- a blatant disregard for our clean air laws. Bart Simpson on the side of law and order?! Has the world gone topsy-turvy? That's right, man. I got my first taste of authority and I liked it.

Bart, you want some brownie before you go to bed? Come on. Let me cut you a brownie while they're still hot. Dad, I'm kind of edgy right now.

I'm so proud of you, Mr. Burns. You're getting your fortune back, and you're doing it without endangering the planet... or cozying up to the Aspen crowd. Oh, hold your accolades till the end of the tour. You haven't seen the best part. I couldn't watch your demonstration of the fish caught in the plastic rings... without getting an idea.

Not the swear jar! It's the only thing holding back the filth! Nutty fudgkins!

Why are you building chapel? Because you're all terrible sinners. Since when? Since I got here.

The best damn pet shop in town! Yeah! All right. But you people remember, baby turtles and alligators may seem like a cute idea for a pet, but they grow up. Let's go, boys.

Ow! Ow! Oh! Ow!

Five, six, don't play tricks Seven, eight, clean your plate Nine, ten, start over again! English - US - Line 21

I spent the next three years in a P.O.W. camp, forced to subsist on a thin stew made of fish, vegetables, prawns, coconut milk and four kinds of rice. I came close to madness trying to find it here in the States, but they just can't get the spices right. Uh, my punishment? Hmm? Oh, I'm gonna have to think about that.

I say we call Matlock. He'll find the culprit. It's probably that evil Gavin MacLeod or George "Goober" Lindsey. Grampa, Matlock's not real. Neither are my teeth, but I can still eat corn on the cob,

My eyes! My beautiful eyes!

And he had a big nose. No, bigger. And big red hair that came out to-- Yeah, yeah, like that ! Well, it is a simple, charcoal rendering, but, uh, is this the man ? Yeah ! Wait a minute. It's the guy from TV !

That oughta show God whose side we're on, eh, Pastor? Yes, Nedwin, but we have many more strumpets to incinerate. Brothers and sisters, there is still a witch among us.

Bart, where did you get all this stuff? Let me answer that question with... cookware! A frying pan radio! Wow! Girl, you really got me going

Oh-Oh, my goodness. I'm free? Oh, Mrs. Simpson. Oh, geez, I'm sorry. Sorry. You won't regret this.

My own grandson thinks I'm a liar. Don't kill me! I've tried to meet you halfway on this, Simpson, but you had to be little johnny Live-A-Lot. Now give me your key to the Hellfish bonanza.

Well, it's not like I carry them around with me. Ooh, it's so hot in here. Oh, look. Here's my People's Choice award. Five Golden Globes. Hmm. Where's my Emmy? Thank you.

Attention. This is an emergency broadcast. All is well in the school. My authority as principal is total--

Hold it right there, Sideshow Bob. You're under arrest. By Lucifer's beard! Ah, yeah. It's a good thing you drifted by this brothel.

Five, four, three, two, one. Well, that's all the time we have. So long, kids! Krusty the Clown is brought to you... by the new Gamestation 256.

Should auld acquaintance be forgot and never

Did it again. Hmm. Where the hell is that soothing music coming from? Homer, what's going on? I gave up anger forever. From now on, I'm into candles, soft music and horse tranquilizers.

- Get in. Hurry! - Mob, stranger. Mob, stranger. Stranger! Who are you? Oh, you'll find out in due time. Well, it says here your name is L.T. Smash.

I'll never get rid of it. It'll follow me to the ends of the earth! All right! My bumper fell off!

My purpose in life is to witness this moment.

Hello, Springfield! We're going to play all your old favorites! But first we'd like to dip into our new CD-- "Takin' Care of Business"! Don't worry, sir. We'll get to that one. No talkin'! No new crap! "Takin' Care of Business" now!

What? Oh. Hey! It's not really me. I used a stunt butt.

- Move along there. - It's Hammer! Return to your homes and places of businesses.

Hello, Mother dear. That's it! We have to get them back to school. I'm with you, Marge. Lisa, get in here! In this house, we obey the laws of thermodynamics!

Oh! Diablo Canyon 2, why can't you be more like Diablo Canyon 1?

Relaxed fit, my Aunt Fanny! Stupid Dockers! Oh. The belt is buckled.

"Put food in me." I'll take that.

Sir, you cant- - All access! - Sorry. JJ All access.

That's not a cookie. That's a time-release blood pack. You, sir, are a perfect patsy. Let me shake your hand. To the gag, I will give a D-plus. As for the workmanship on the hand, it-- Oh.

in the navy come on and join your fellow man in the navy come on, people and make A stand in the navy, in the navy in the navy

My name is Cesar. This is my nephew, Ugolin.

If somebody's in here, you're in for some serious ass forkin'!

In light of the damning testimony from your fellow gangsters, your father, your teachers... and a seemingly endless parade of emotionally shattered baby-sitters, - this court has no choice but to-- - Stop! Principal Skinner! I thought he was dead.

I don't know, Gravey. I'm sick of your lack of faith. Hmm? But, Gravey-- Yea!

Simpson, look what you've reduced me to. Please! Please! But, Mr. Burns, it's not my bear. It's Maggie's. Eh.

Are you kidding? Being a cop husband is one mighty sweet deal. This police radio entertains me with other people's miseries, we get a free funeral for Marge-- God forbid-- and I can run background checks on whomever I want, Moammar. Homer, please, please. Ix-nay on the oammar-May.

Happy 50th anniversary, Seymour.

The mail! The mail is here! Ooh! "An urgent plea from Edward james Olmos." "Lisa Simpson, can you afford to miss another issue of the Utne Reader?" Kids. Free sample of fabric softener? Whoo-hoo!

Gee, I should cut Dad some slack. After all, he did take me to the ballet and the Smithsonian exhibit. In fact, he takes me lots of places he hates.

Oatmeal ? Oats are what a champion thoroughbred eats... before he or she wins the Kentucky Derby. News flash, Lisa. Bart is not a horse. Eat your steak, boy.

Please, Mommy. I want it. Hmm. Ren and Stimpy, season premiere. And finally, Itchy and Scratchy, the "Little Barbershop of Horrors" episode. Cross my fingers for me.

It's cute, but I'm sure it's very sharp and probably dirty.

And though Flanders was stuck with the impound fee,

When Moe's closed, Barney lost his only means of support-- sucking coins out of the love tester machine. That's a real good way to get sick. Dedicated educator Principal Seymour Skinner. His school lost millions when Burns pirated its oil well. And grounds tender, Groundskeeper Willie, he lost his job... and his dream of owning a fine crystal slop bucket.

Tell me one thing mankind's ever done that's any better. The Renaissance. This is better. Let's book 'em and roll.

What is it, N'gungo? Evil is coming. - What shall we do, N'gungo? - Uh-- You are N'gungo now. Aaah!

And besides, I gotta go sing a medley with Rob Lowe and Stump. Dolly, wait! Wally? You know Dolly Parton? Yeah. I book a lot of package tours to Dollywood and EuroDollywood. That's in Alabama. Wally Kogen! What are you doing in Super Bowl jail?

Help! Nurse! Someone's trying to kill me! Okay, we'll do something about that right away. Let's start by doubling your medication.

Oh. Ooh. That date will not be easy to top. But we shall see. Anybody up for some clog dancing? Why don't you try and stop me?

Please, children. Don't be cruel. Nelson might be poor but I'm sure he has the seven dollars for today's field trip. Um... Well, actually... (BRAKES SQUEAL) (CHILDREN LAUGHING) (SOBBING) Someday...

Heaven's gate! I'm gonna be tastin' you on my mustache for a week.

Wait! I have discovered more lines on the parchment. It says that the prohibition law which was passed here 200 years ago... was repealed 199 years ago. Release the prisoner!

Even rarer. Whew! That was one long helicopter ride.

I came home as quick as I could. What's going on?

I-i think they could start slacking at any moment. Well, Ned, you don't have to stand for that. You just march right up to those youngsters and tell them to vamoose. Yeah, well, if you're sure that'll help. Hey, let's go over to the one-hour photo and breathe some fumes. Uh, excuse me, fellas. I-i-i couldn't help thinking...

But you've gotta come back, Mel! - We're a team. - No, Krusty. You always treated me rather shabbily. On our last show, you poured liquid nitrogen down my pants... and cracked my buttocks with a hammer.

Lieutenant Smash! Yeah, that's right. Lieutenant L.T. Smash. A wig! But-- But your pant legs. How could you soil the good name of Star Blitzzz Promotions?

My name is Kang, - and this is my sister, Kodos. - Hello. I suppose you wanna probe me. Well, might as well get it over with. Stop! We have reached the limits of what rectal probing can teach us.

I've never seen the baby get tired of it before the adult. Peek...a...boo! Uncle Homer, will you sing that crazy song we love? Okay. Is that all there is Is that all there is

I'm looking for... Homer Simpson. And I've been looking for you too, pal. Pound him, Dad! Bart, don't! Quiet! Dad's gonna get his butt kicked by Mel Gibson. Knock his teeth out, Homer.

Kent Brockman here for a follow-up... with Springfield's favorite hard-luck family, the Simpsons. Folks, any words for the Christmas thief, if he's watching? Eh, yes, Kent. Uh, hello, jerk.

The boy! This isn't fair!

Hello, Mr. Brown Ground. What you got for me?

We're rich! Richer than astronauts!

Excuse me, sir. Is this El Clínico Magnifico? Ah, you saw our bus ad.

Hold it right there.

Well, Burns isn't getting this back cheap. I can tell you that. He's gonna have to give me... my own recording studio. Two all-beef patties special sauce lettuce, cheese Pickles, onions on a sesame-seed bun Homer, you're drooling on the mike again.

So if you don't want to see crude, lowbrow programming disappear from the airwaves, please, call now. Hello! Murdoch here. $10,000! You've saved my network. Wouldn't be the first time.

That man and his foolish pride. We've gotta go follow him. Hmm. (GIGGLES) I just wanted to see what it was like. (IN SOUTHERN ACCENT) Howdy, y'all. If you don't like my song, I'll spray you with ink! (CHUCKLING)

Dad, I know I've been a little hard on you the last couple of days. If I had the strength to lift my arms, I'd give you a hug. Thanks, boy. Now, be careful when you-- Oops.

Well, I'm sorry you couldn't feel for old joe. You didn't feel for him either, you big fat phony. Bart, look up here. This is where the tears would be if I could cry. But I can't. Botched face-lift. You could learn a lot from him, Maryann. It's Lisa. Maryann's better.

Who wants to say grace? Let's let our guest do it. Bless us, O Lord... Hey! Krusty, do the honors. Well, all right. I'm a little rusty, but, um... I'll try. Baruch ata Adonai Eloheinu melech ha-olam ha-motzi lechem min ha-aretz.

So long, Superman. Your secret identity is safe with me.

How'd you get that gash on your forehead? Oh, that was when we hid in the Dumpster, after the fire alarm went off in the pornographic magazine warehouse. You are so good to put up with all of this. Oh, don't be silly, Lisa. Everything's fine. Really.

See what happens when you skip rehearsal. All right, bartenders, toss your drunks. And stay out! Ew! You said if I slept with you, I wouldn't have to touch the drunk.

There was A little Spanish flea A record star he thought he'd be he heard Of singers like beatles the chipmunks he'd seen on tv... Why not A little Spanish fleA? and so he...

We learned the truth at 17 that love waS meant For beauty queens Like Miss South Dakota. Miss North Carolina. Miss Indiana. Miss Alaska.

Marjorie, please. I enjoy all the meats of our cultural stew. Ahh, ballet. Hee-hee-hee. All right. Whoo-hoo! Yea! Yeah!

minerals explode in a vast panoply or'- f Man: Prerecorded Narration f Since the dawn of time... travelers iooking for guidance have turned to the heavens. Polaris- the star of the North. Mighty Orion 's bet

Ahh! Arrivederci roma good-bye Edna, I'm gonna pop you a question,

Here, little fella. Dad, no! Error. I'm sorry. I thought he was a party robot. Oh! This is why I can't have nice things! Every time I design a robot, somebody comes along and--

Eleanor, we've got to do something about this depression. So I propo-- Oh, that's right. I'm crippled.

I love you, too, Homer. (BOTH MOANING) Oh, Homer.

Hey, Cannonball. I like your statement. When life takes a cheap shot at you, you stand your ground. Billy Corgan, Smashing Pumpkins. Homer Simpson, smiling politely. You know, my kids think you're the greatest. And thanks to your gloomy music, they've finally stopped dreaming of a future I can't possibly provide. Well, we try to make a difference.

Okay. All right. Wait-- Now-- Now, dig this, man-- Get out!

Make sure we have cold cuts, and put some beer on ice... I'm a vegetarian and I don't drink. Are you sure you're here voluntarily? Yes. Please make sure he doesn't tell anybody I'm coming. Yes, Dad, I solemnly swear I will not tell another living soul-- No, not even Milhouse.

Psst ! - Grandpa, I think this guy's a little nuts. - Oh, yeah ?

I don't wanna hit a sore spot, but can we talk about herpes? Herpes, herpes bo-berpes Banana-fana, fo-ferpes Herpes, oh Hey, that spot on Gorbachev's head-- Herpes! Trust me.

Whoa! An automatic garage door opener makes you feel like... you're working in a futuristic wonder world.

Why that little-- Stupid Bart-toon. Hey, Bart-toon. That's clever. I'm gonna kill him.

Oh, Mom, I've missed you so much. Oh, honey, I've missed you too. Homer, is that an old Halloween costume? Uh, no.

Please die And fry in hell You rotten Rich old wretch Adios viejo

Ah, Oliver North. He was just poured into that uniform.

Stupid lumber. Damn it! D'Oh! I..! Oh, the hell with this!

He's kicking it old-school.

It's ram's blood for your godless ceremony. April Fools'! Now who's laughing? Now who's laughing? And that's the story of April Fools' Day.

and a high-definition TV for the teachers' lounge. Now, where's the little girl who made this grant possible? Where's Lisa Simpson? Come on up here, Lisa.

Lucky thing we landed on this bubble wrap. Hey, quit hoggin'. Oh, I'm badly hurt.

Here he is conferring an honorary degree on Richard Nixon.

Hmm. What happened here? Oh, nothing, Marge. just a little incident involving the bogeyman! None of this would have happened if you had been here to keep me from acting stupid!

Paper bag or triple Mylar? Uh, no, thanks. I'll just eat it here. Oh! No! What are you doing? Good, fair, poor!

This is most exciting Nobel Prize ceremony ever. I disagree. It must be tough to win the Nobel Prize and lose your father on the same day. Oh, I didn't really lose my father.

Not the church! Jesus lives there!

We're gettin' outta here. Whoa! (ALL GASP) They're escaping! Seal the perimeter! I'm on it!

Almost got it. Drop the food, Chief! Dang fools. Drive-through's not for a-Parkin'.

And you can't join the Stonecutters because it's too exclusive. Oh, well. That was a real nice secret organization we had once. Stonecutters, eh? How do I join? There are only two ways to gain membership: be the son of a Stonecutter-- Next? Or save the life of a Stonecutter. Hey! I saved your life.

Hey, look, it's PelÉ! PelÉ is king of the soccer field. To be king of your kitchen, use Crestfield Wax Paper.

We might as well face the truth. As long as we are Stonecutters, he will control our lives. Maybe. But maybe we don't want to be Stonecutters no more. This is much better than the old Stonecutter hall.

It's just some new guy moving in. Disco Stu likes disco music.

Stanley is thoughtless, violent and loud. Marge, every second you spend with this man, he is crushing your fragile spirit. You can't let that happen.

Feels like I'm wearing nothin' at all. Nothin' at all. Nothin' at all. Stupid sexy Flanders! Ow! My leg! This is the worst pain ever!

You broke it! It's a music box. Dad, we uncovered the secret!

You beat up Jon Lovitz just because he presented me an award.

Hey. You did it! You got it back! Thanks, Dad.

ALL: Sherri smells, Terri smells Stinky all the way Stink, stink, stink. Stink, stink, stink One horse open sleigh (BOTH SCREAMING)

I don't know what's happening. It seems our profits have dropped 37%. I'm afraid we have a bad image, sir. Market research shows people see you as something of an ogre. I ought to club them and eat their bones!

Oh, you think this stolen "H" is a laugh riot, don't you?

jazz. They just make it up as they go along. I could do that. That's "Mary Had a Little Lamb." Okay, then this. That's the same thing. You just replaced "dees" with "dos." D'oh! Hi. I have a request.

(YELLING) (ALL LAUGHING)

Lisa? Miss Hoover thought I made the whole thing up. She called me a P.C. thug. Well, I've been called a greasy thug too, and it never stops hurting. So here's what we're gonna do: Grease ourselves up real good and trash that place with a baseball bat.

As I'm sure you remember, in the late 1980's... the u.s. experienced a short-lived infatuation with Australian culture. For some bizarre reason, the Aussies thought this would be a permanent thing. Of course, it wasn't. I know those words, but that sign makes no sense.

I need money for Christmas. Can I get anything for this Joe DiMaggio baseball card? It's kind of old. I'm sorry. But I'm afraid your card is only worth everything I've got! Everything! Take it!

(SHOES TAPPING) Okay, it's time to win the love of these hateful morons.

Ooh, she's gotta have it. Get out! Get out! Get out! Get out! Get out-Out-Out-Out-Out-out-out!

(LAUGHING) (AUDIENCE LAUGHING ON TV) (GROANS) I talked to Dr. Hibbert today. He gave me a list of heart-smart foods. "Cotta-hay cheese"?

Oh, my God! It's 11:15! We've been spinning for hours. I've got to get to my school and hand in Linguo. Oh, but I don't want to leave you.

I've wasted half my life.

The alien has a sweet, heavenly voice, like Urkel. And he appears every Friday night... like Urkel! Well, your story is very compelling, Mr. jackass-- I mean, Simpson. So, I'll just type it up on my invisible typewriter.

What I want to know is, what the heck was that body doing there? Maybe there's murder afoot. - Murder most foul? - Maybe. You know, if Dad never told anyone, that body must still be out there. This sounds like a case that only the Simpson family can solve.

We found some guys who know how to treat a woman.

Hey, listen to this. "Congratulations! "Your child, or children, have been selected to appear... "in Who's Who Among American Elementary School Students.

A monster! Is this you? If it is, don't dial 911. Simply dial... 636-555-3472.

into a-- some kind of a lobster-like creature?

Stop! Don't recycle! It's murder! You're helping Mr. Burns! But you told us to recycle. You convinced us it was good. No. It's evil. Please! Stop recycling!

Yo, I'll tell you what I want what I really, really want What I want, what I want I'll tell you what I want I want... (TAPE SLOWS DOWN AND STOPS)

(BLUEGRASS MUSIC PLAYING) Sashay this and fancy that Watch the dog dance with the cat (SIZZLING) (ANGRY MURMUR)

Homer, stop encouraging him. Don't stifle the boy, Marge. - We're supposed to encourage him. - Shush !

We can buy real periodic tables... instead of these promotional ones from Oscar Mayer. Who can tell me the atomic weight of "balonium?" Ooh. "Dee-licious"? Correct. I would also accept "snack-tacular."

Now, are you gentlemen gonna buy some wigs or ain't ya? I guess fate was against us. It's really nobody's fault, right? Huh? Right?

Oh, Mr. Burns, we'll thaw you out... the second they discover the cure for... 17 stab wounds in the back. How are we doing, boys? Well, we're up to 15.

Didn't Itchy junior look happy playing with his father? And didn't Scratchy junior look happy playing with his dad until they got run over by the thresher? Wasn't that a beautiful cartoon?

Slow down. The sidewalk's for regular walkin', not for fancy walkin'. Get outta my way. I'm in a hurry. You simmer down, I'll let you go.

Rubber knife? This place is for wimps. Okay, kids. Now I'm gonna teach ya how to trap wild animals. - But this should only be used in a life-or-death situation. - Hmm. Ooh! Floor pie. I-- Whoa!

Freeze. Every mother knows the secret entrance to her son's tree house. Oh, Marge, you saved my life. I'm sorry I teased you. You're a really good cop. I'm proud of you.

"Barnacle Bill's Home Pregnancy Test"? Homer, shouldn't we have gone with a better-known brand? But, Marge, this one came with a free corncob pipe.

In the area under "Do not write in this space," he wrote, "Okay". If it wasn't for me, you'd still be queen.

Ha-ha! Excellent.

You sent me to the chair. Snake? But you're dead. I know you are, but what am I? No. No. No!

Ah! The snowflake tastes like fish sticks.

Mmm! No, Dad, they're apples. Yuck! Well, that's it. I don't want anything to do with this wagon train of death. Either switch to apples, or go on without me. Hmm!

Hey, the Jewish Walk of Fame! Here, go on Sandy Koufax. I lost ten grand when he wouldn't pitch on Yom Kippur! I did five shows that night! Okay, boy. Let's find my star.

Man on the range! Change your trajectory! Sixteen brand-new gas pumps! At last we can compete with the Gas-N-Gulp. If there was some way to get rid of Flanders, would you want to come back?

Let's twirl some more platters at Greaser's Cafe, where the '50s are never goin' away! Well, that dream is over. At least we still have each other. Right, honey? Honey?

Doesn't your job start tomorrow? Somebody will cover for me. Homer, that's... Oh! Step aside. I'll deliver this baby. Why don't you let me handle it. Oh, a college boy, eh? Homer, let him deliver the baby!

Get bent. No more Chernobyls! Go to hell! I was doing my best to resist her, but at dinner, the fortune cookie predicted doom. "You will find happiness with a new love." This was a really nice night, Homer.

I come from yet another distant future... where gun violence has destroyed the very earth itself!

Tatum is reeling from the champ's exquisite haymaker. Yeah, at the worst possible time. Eight, nine, ten !

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! First, what are your qualifications? Well-- Oh, no! I'm not here to take a reading test. I wanna see some credentials! I'm sorry, Doctor. He's just afraid you'll blame all my problems on him. I'm not here to blame anyone.

It's a fairy tale.

Hang on. I'll buzz you in. Buzz!

Homer, I don't think you were listening to what he just-- I said, "Whoo-hoo."

Homer, you've suffered a broken jaw. Broken jaw? Ohh!

You hit her pretty hard there, Rick.

Hurry, Bart! "Kolchak. Mannix. Banacek. - Danno!" - What's wrong? Uh, I never realized what a beautiful young woman you've become. - Oh! - "Trojan. Ramses. Magnum. Sheik."

Mmm. (PSYCHEDELIC MUSIC PLAYING) (SNARLING) (WHIMPERS) Your brother is so hot. Stop telling me that.

That intrepid lad is my great-grandfather, Franklin jefferson Burns, tossing that tea without a care... for what the caffeine would do to the Fenway flounder. - Is that a fish? - It was. Hey, that guy looks like you. Oh-ho! That's me, all right--

You make me sick, Homer. You the one who told me I could do anything if I put my mind to it. Now that you're older, I can tell you that's a crock. No matter how good you are there's always a million people better. Gotcha-- Can't win, don't try.

And that's how, with a few minor adjustments, you can turn a regular gun into five guns. Here's some more chocolate curls, gun buddies. Anyone else want a beer?

Your turn, Bart. Whoa! That's good Squishy. What's it like, Bart? Bart? Bart?

I'm not fooling around, people. Park your keisters in front of that TV! Now! (LISA SCREAMING)

No more pain where you are now, boy. Oh, God! That's tasty. I wish Pinchy were here to enjoy this.

Hmm. Now, do you have extruded polyvinyl foam insulation? No. Good.

So, without further ado, I give you the remnants... of the Springfield Elementary School Orchestra. On saxophone, Lisa Simpson. On triangle, Martin Prince. And with a flute up his nose, Ralph Wiggum. That's some nice flutin', boy.

I like pizza I like bagels I like hot dogs with mustard and beer I get the picture. I'll eat eggplant I could even eat a baby deer La-la-la-la-la-la La-la la-la Who's that baby deer on the lawn there Enough already! Sorry.

Wait. That's not how you spell "dumbening." Wait. "Dumbening" isn't even a word! I've got to find out more.

My friends! Tonight we unveil my most diabolical creation. Swank. Ten times more addictive than marijuana. Ooh! To human misery!

Hi, Homer. Find your soul mate. Hey. Wait a minute! There's no such thing as a talkin' dog. Damn straight.

I guess people have some sort of moral objection to our sex drug.

It's my favorite!

- Thanks for coming. - I please to aim. I'm so happy. I just had to tell someone. I have a boyfriend.

Bart how many hours a day do you watch TV? Six. Seven if there's something good on. Don't you think you should get a little fresh air? Yeah, but what are you going to do?

Finally, some recognition.

I've gotta stop fantasizing about Lee Majors. Ah, one more.

That oughta show little Timmy and Tammy Scumbag who's in charge around here.

Okay. I'll take some white meat and stuffing to go, and send up the pumpkin pie in about 20 minutes. I said now ! Mom, do I have to ? Yes, you do ! I hope you're happy, Bart !

it's Mom! Huh? My name is Blanche DuBois. I thought my life would be a Mardi Gras A never-ending party Ha!

Maggie, don't press the red button. Damn it! (ALL SHOUTING) Marge, I've always loved you. Bart, you were a worthy foe. (CRYING)

Well, what do we have here? Looks like the biggest rip-off since Webster. Please, Mr. Coleman. We can explain. I'm listening. Your toy company is evil. Well, isn't it possible for an evil company to make people happy?

All right, Simpson. I don't like you, and you don't like me. - I like you. - Um, all right. You like me, but I don't like you. Maybe you would like me if you got to know me. What are you, a comedian? Well, I'm no Margaret Cho, but I do a pretty fair Columbo impression.

Yeah. Whoopsie. Marge, how bad do you wanna win? Oh. Oh, I'd do anything. Good. Yo, Pete. Pete Sampras. Hmm? Get over here. Yes! I'm in. Hmm?

Keep your Odor-Eaters on, Selma. I've seen you get hurt too many times. I'm not gonna let him into my heart or my bedroom. Just 10 minutes on the beanbag. Come on, Short Round. We're going back to my temple of doom.

Of course, I've heard of you. You'd have to be living under a rock... What's your name? Michael jackson. Doesn't ring a bell. Heard of MTV or Motown? No. "Beat It"? You beat it. "Thriller"? What was that? - "Thriller." - No. How about this?

have left your genitals withered and useless. Well, I'll be damned.

My wife's having a girls' night out.

No drinking in public. Hey, where'd it go? Oh, well.

I got so swept up with the notion of being liked, I completely forgot who I am. I'm a selfish old crank, and that fits me like a Speedo. So what do we do with our friend here? Uh, throw him in the Dumpster?

Cut me off, will you? Learn to drive, dimwit! I sentence you to kiss my ass.

Mr. Silas, this young lady's flashing her privates. Oh! Well, I'll dispose of this! All for Silas. All for Silas.

And tonight, the following celebrities have been arrested. While Heather Locklear-Fortensky remains at large. Remember, if you see any celebrities, consider them dangerous. You know, I rather like this pub. Oh, an English boy, eh? You know, we saved your ass in World War II. Yeah, well, we saved your ass in World War III.

Well, if I did agree to help you, you could only earn money by doing good, socially responsible things. Nothing evil. Nothing evil. That's exactly the kind of radical thinking I need. It's a deal.

I knew you'd send your father to the crazy house. You said poorhouse. I said crazy house! Poorhouse. Crazy house! Poorhouse. Crazy house!

misuse of the cadavers-- I get here earlier when I drive in the car pool lane.

Don't worry. Being eaten by a crocodile... is just like going to sleep... in a giant blender. Wonder where this river goes. I've got a map. Monkey. Now, according to animal crackers, there's no river here. Eh-- Stay in the boat, Homer.

just buy it. You don't have to rationalize everything. Hmm. All right, I will buy it! It'll be good for the economy.

I am King Talkie Tiki! Hey, Flanders. Can your god do that? A-Actually, Homer, you and I worship the same god, so-- Irregardless! I am your god now.

Ooh, sorry. Uh, we don't normally drive these in the Air Force. Gotcha! Ya TV-hatin' mutant. What is your major malfunction, Sideshow Bob? Oh, my little sugar bun. I'm so glad you're safe.

To the east side

ow, ooh. ow, ooh. Ow, ooh. Whoa! Oy! That's gotta hurt!

to the thousands of death traps lurking in the average American home.

I'm sorry. I believe in good grooming. You're not gonna grow nothin' on the old Simpson place. That's why your daddy abandoned it. Oh, what do you know? Well, I know your soil p.H. is up around 9.6, and you need it seven to eight max. Oh, that's just superstition! You watch me. I'll grow something out there.

just tell us your idea, and we'll vote for it. All right. I tell you what I'll do. I'll show you my idea.

Chew, chew, chew! Swallow, swallow, swallow!

Hey, where's my melon? And you are banned for life from all of my performances and TV specials! But I can still see your movies, right?

I am shocked and appalled.

Oh, no. Inside the evil Bartron... is a horrible, mutant boy! We'll be safe here till Mom and Dad... The evil overlords, get home. As wacky as those kids were, they were no match for Captain Wacky, later renamed "Homer."

Oh, be quiet! You'll wake up John Wayne.

Well, we've got a nasty bump on our head, haven't we ? Ow ! Quit it. Ow ! And a little, tiny broken toe. Quit it. Is he well enough for me to start mothering him unbearably ?

Oh, I could never stay mad at you, Moe. After all, you get me drunk. Aw! Oh, my poor bar. - It's all gone. - Aw, Moe, Moe.

I was thinking of something a little more... adult. Oh, Marge! And then afterwards-- Really? With butterscotch on it? I think you misheard me.

If some snot-nosed little kid sent me to prison... the first thing out I'd find out where he lives... and tear him a new belly-button. Lousy snitch. Yaah!

Marge Simpson? ts Ruth. Ruth Powers. Ruth Powers? My old neighbor? Oh, my goodness. Look at you. I got this body in prison. l was Miss Mexican Mafia three years in a row. Wow.

Ooh, this one's open. Ooh! Stomach churning! Bowels clenching. Not much time. Must finish.

Bart! What in the name of high school football?

I've never felt this way about a girl before.

Carnies took over our house. You've gotta help us! Well, well, look who's here. Mr. No-Bribe. Sure, we'll help you. just sit down and wait for Detective Like-i-Give-A-Damn. Thank you so much. Dad. Honey, Daddy's waiting for the detective.

Here's the angel see the angel it's my angel no one else's next to the rakes Dad, it's not fair to claim this thing is an angel. There's no proof of that. No one's calling it an angel, Lisa. If you look carefully, you'll notice I never once used the word "angel."

What? What does it say? I wanna see.

i've never seen Bart so ashamed of me.

hang on each new development like so many Romanian trapeze artists. From his humble beginnings as a street mime in Tupelo, Mississippi, Krusty clowned his way to the top of a personal mini-empire... with dozens of endorsements, including his own line of pork products. This may have led to one of television's best-loved bloopers-- Krusty's near-fatal, on-the-air heart attack in 1986.

- Got it, Barn? - Got what? Ow! You're stealing a table? I'm not stealin' it. Hotels expect you to take a few things. It's a souvenir. - Ah. Is that my necktie you're wearing? - Souvenir. Mom, what if there's a really bad, crummy guy...

I okilly-dokilly, "schmokilly" do. And do you, Homer, take this cocktail waitress you just met... to be your lawfully wedded wife? What did you call me? Do you want to get married? Married. Sure. Sock it to me, baby.

Ah! At last. Smithers, fetch the bi-oculars. Damnation! Tell them to go slower. Yes, sir.

you forgot that other people have problems too.

Easy, Homer. I'll bring you back.

Ooh, that's quite a thingamajigsaw. But it looks like you’re missing a piece. Looks like you’re missing a wife. I walked right into that one.

Some folk'll never eat a skunk but then again Some folk'll Like Cletus the Slack-jawed Yokel

We drove 18 hours to come here. On the plus side, this rope is mighty soft. Mmm. Touch it, kids. KIDS: Mmm. Party! Party! Party! Homer, these are people you work with. Show some restraint. Restraint! Restraint! Restraint!

Oh, I have had it! I have had it with this school, Skinner! The low test scores, class after class of ugly, ugly children!

When Krusty the Clown got canceled-- he tried everything to stay on the air. Here's what you didn't see. If you watch my show, I will send you this book featuring me... in a variety of sexually explicit positions. What? Oh. Hey! It's not really me. I used a stunt butt.

"I couldn't afford to get you a new drum--" Eww.

Th-Thank you. Well, that's the funeral, folks. We'll be sitting shivah at the Friar's Club at 7:00 p.m., and again at 10:00. You must be over 18 for the 10:00. It gets a little blue.

Oh, geez! Got that cat right in the leg. Dad, you shot Moe! Oh, no! This time I really am gonna faint. Ow! Son of a-- How'd they get your bar back to normal so quickly, Moe? It's a snap when you use certified contractors.

But why would the advisory board give us bad advice? No sugar! Thank you, but we're not allowed. Ah, it's okay. There's no sugar in pixie sticks. - Trust me. - Okay. Hmm. Don't hog it all, smelly head! Go to hell, zit face!

After all, we are from the land of chocolate. Mmm... the land of chocolate!

How much could it possibly cost to fix this place up ? Approximately $56 million, sir. 56 million ? Don't hit me, sir. Oh, that I had the strength to take it out on you, Smithers.

- Leave the girl out of this. - Okay. Homer! It's too late for me, Marge. Sell the jeans and live like a queen! Is Bart home? just taking Maggie for a stroll.

Hey, everybody. If you look real close, you can kind of make 'em out. Hey, yeah, yeah. I think I can. I think this is sick. They're staring at a dot. She's right ! She's right ! Oh, how I miss TV. Dear God, just give me one channel ! Homer, it's not the end of the world.

Hugo, stop! Huh? There, there, Hugo. I understand. All those years caged up in here-- Why, you've probably never even seen your own face in the mirror, have you? Here. Hmm?

Well, I don't think they're gonna be that easy to lose. These are professional lawmen and-- Oh, my God! It just disappeared. It's a ghost car! There are ghost cars all over these highways, you know. - Hold me. - Only if you hold me.

Oh, all right. What a-- Burn it! Send it to hell! I think we're going to have to get Bart some help. Get it away.

Uh, may I take your coat, Aunt Selma? Um, I would also like to take your coat.

and I think I can put the "pal" back in principal. Yeah, and I'll put the "super" back in superintendent. It's the same exact joke. What gives, Leo?

Well, why didn't you tell the rest of us? Why did you keep it a secret!?

I don't know, Bart. Something tells me Willie's still out there, and that he could come back... any time, in any form, and kill us in ways we can't even imagine! Boo!

Ooh! There's Ross Perot. Dr. Laura. Spike Lee. Wait a minute. They're not so great. Okay. But there's Dan Quayle and Courtney Love. Tonya Harding! Al Sharpton! Tom Arnold! What the hell's going on?

Oh! All right. All right. You win for now, but someday you'll rust! Rust, I tell ya! Dad. Dad?

It's the little things that make up life. Homer, I'm disappointed, but I think you need to do what's best for your family. Well, thanks for everything, Hank. T-minus 14 seconds. If you need anything, you call me. All right. What's the number? I never had to call my own company. Someone will tell you upstairs.

Principal Skinner's gonna ask Aunt Patty to marry him.

Your education is important. Roman numerals, et cetera. Whatever. I tried.

Fat, don't fail me now! D'oh!

Children, for rest of day Martin will be teaching this class. But I wouldn't know where to begin. Do it, brainiac. Have I ever told you kids about the '60s?

Everyone's here, from recently outed leading man Dash Calhoun... to Krusty the Clown. Hey, hey! Krusty, why won't you answer my calls? You've never even seen our son! Here's one of those loveable high-schoolers... from TV's Springfield Heights, 90210.

Go on, take it all. Get it all outta here. You know, Moe, you might wanna keep the fire extinguishers. Nah. Too many bad memories. Well, look at the bright side, Moe-- you still got us. Yeah. Yeah. You know, that actually makes me feel a little better. Why? That was the problem in the first place.

Hey-- Wait a second. I don't like the sound of that. I'm scared, Daddy. Too scared to even wet my pants. It's okay, Son. just relax, and it'll come.

Why that little--

Springtime fresh, winter white. What could be better? Oh, man, I really gotta-- NO-O-o! So, Bart, how are you feeling? Can't complain. Well, then, you're ready for your makeup test. My ovaries!

MAN ON TV: Bobby, I got propane in my urethra.

Why, " my best friend- f Homer's Voice] Maggie. Huh? - Bad news, Sheriff- - f Homer's Voice f Lisa Simpson. - Some Indians took all the- - f Homer's Voice] McNuggets. Mmm, McNuggets. f Sia vering f i ii get those no-good indians. ..

Milhouse! What? Tell Bart to come home! I think he's at Nelson's! Who's Nelson?

I'm happy and angry.

I want my old dad back, the one who was yelling all the time and-- You know, I'm not really sure what I want.

You've already used up your birthday and Christmas presents on that peach tree we got you. And you hardly ever play with that anymore. Yes, I do. Sure, I do. Look! La-la, here I am playing on my peach tree, Mom.

I have a question. Pop quiz, hotshot. I'm supposed to be doing my homework, but you find me upstairs reading a Play Dude. What do you do? What do you do?

There's soda on the plane! Attention, fugitives. You are leaving U.S. jurisdiction. Turn back immediately or we will be unable to prosecute you. We better do what he says! Wait! We're now over international waters.

Stop it! Stop it! Don't you realize you've just been brainwashed by corporate propaganda? Apparently, my crazy friend here hasn't heard of the food chain.

(GRUNTS) You leave me no choice! (WHIRRING) (SIGHS)

Oh, Bart. I know you're still getting adjusted here. Tell you what. We'll do whatever you wanna do. Watch itchy & Scratchy! Well, I guess a little television won't hurt. I used to let the boys watch My Three Sons, but it got 'em all worked up before bedtime.

Oh! Oh... Homer, come down for dinner. Did you make enough for Ray? Oh! Ray's not coming! He is, too!

Crazy scheme, crazy scheme, crazy scheme--

Lumber. We need lumber.

Hey, nonny-nonny! With a hoo and a haw! And a nonny-nonny hey!

What the..? Fools!

Dad, there's a note on the back of your head.

I'm talking about treating serious injuries. Serious injuries. Oh, that's gold.

Silent night Holy night All is calm All is bright Rou--

Can... we... skip... church? Now, uh, what did this Christmas thief look like? Well, he had a glass eye, a wooden leg,

Now we'd like to speak to you seriously for a moment. Yep. This week is the grand opening of Itchy and Scratchy Land, the violentest place on earth. And to celebrate, for this week only, we're cutting ticket prices in half.

Ah! Oh. Am I really that ugly? Moe, it's all relative. Is Lenny really that dumb? Huh? is Barney that drunk? is Homer that lazy, bald and fat? Oh, my God! It's worse than I thought! See, this is why I don't talk much.

(THUNDER CRACKING) Why did I put my faith in science and technology? (THUNDER CRACKING) Oh, why did I choose to be gay? Oh! This movie will haunt me for the rest of my life. Just like Cannonball Run II.

Homer smash! Get revenge on world! Look! It's the Incredible Hulk! He can't be the Hulk. I'm the Hulk.

Well, listen. I better get back to work. They're finally paying me for this. Oh, yeah!

Take those to the teachers' lounge.

Yep. I saw her. That is to say, I seen her. She seemed like a nice lady. Well, that nice lady set the cause of biological warfare back 30 years.

Do it, Dad. You could get a less crappy car. - Bart! You can hear us? - Oh, yeah. From my room, I can hear everything. Me too. The walls are paper-thin. Hi. And it wouldnt hurt ya to put up some curtains.

the Western Branch of American Reform Presbylutheranism. (HAWAII FIVE-0 RINGTONE)

Pierce, that was delicious! Can we help you with the dishes? Marge, what kind of cybertronic ultrobot would I be... if I let those beautiful hands touch dishwater? Oh! No, I'm asking. - Oh. Uh, not a very good one? - Damn straight.

I think we put on a pretty darn good science fair. It-- "Go-Go Ray"? Allow me to demonstrate.

Nineteen. Hit me. Twenty. Hit me. - Twenty-one. - Hit me. - Twenty-two. - D'oh!

Marge, it'll cost $8,500. We only have 500 in the bank, and that leaves... eighty-hundred we need.

No, wait. That wasn't a trick. I was gonna juggle chickens. Next up, Homer and his amazing Redenbacher Dreamcoat... with a number he calls "Kernel knowledge." I'm hot buttered check it and see

All we can do is play our very best. Oh, that's loser talk.

Slow down, you sidewalk-surfin' cube-gleamers!

Wait a minute. He's just a dummy. I know, but he sells tickets. Let's go.

How's your father's project coming along? I think he's almost done. Yeah, he's done.

I'm looking for a friend. Last name: jazz. First name: Hugh. Hold on. I'll check. Huge ass? Somebody check the men's room for a huge ass. I'm Hugh jazz. Telephone.

And cut. That oughta hold the little S.O.B.s. Gabbo, quiet. Oh, I wouldn't wanna offend the little S.O.B.s. I wish you'd stop saying that.

And this is for shooting down police helicopters. Oh, I don't need anything like that... yet. just give me my gun. Sorry. The law requires a five-day waiting period. We've got to run a background check. Five days? But I'm mad now! I'd kill you if I had my gun!

I bet you can't twist it. Of course I can twist it. I'm great. (BART SCREAMING) This is my last baby tooth.

Good Lord! Did anyone get the license number? Gee, I forgot. Uh, no. Yay! Whee!

Fading. Fading. Rising! Fading.

It's a label maker. We have one at home. Before we got it I was always finding Patty's stubble in my leg razor.

Oh, my! Hot! Hot! Hot! La, la, la, la, la, la, la. Here. Let me wrap this wet towel around your head to cool you off. La, la, la, la, la, la, la. (PANTING) Stop him! He's expressing his faith, eh! (GUNS COCKING) Hold on! We're just innocent tourists!

Yeah, Bart Simpson, we're gonna make you sing. That's it, Bart. Oh, why can't you be more like, uh, uh-- - Us, Mrs. Krabappel ? - Yes, Sherri and Terri. They know how to behave.

Oh, all right, all right. But seriously, we have to vote on Burns's new contract. It's basically the same deal, except we get a free keg of beer for our meetin'. Yea! In exchange for that, we have to give up our dental plan.

Shut up! You don't know her. Zelda loves me. I hate this house! Turn that down! You call that music? I-- I just don't know what to do.

Sure. Ohh! Ha-ha-ha. Now we're even for your party. Come on, let's go play. My mom won't let me be your friend anymore. That's why you couldn't come. What's she got against me? She says you're a bad influence. Bad influence, my butt!

Oh, Goldilocks.

Wuss! Lisa, I'm glad you came. I know you young'uns think we old-timers aren't any fun, but we'll show 'em. We'll show 'em all!

Anything you say, Professor. Whoa!

Hey, would you sign-- You fat, stupid jerks!

Uh-- Oh. That isn't smoke. It's steam. Steam from the steamed clams we're having. Mmm. Steamed clams.

Wow. Let's go nuts.

Princess who ? Hey, my photo. Your photo ? Uh-oh.

Today Mounties busted a major American drug smuggling ring. Former US astronaut, Homer Simpson, was taken into custody. Oh, my butt looks so huge during perp walks.

Mr. Plott, Homer Simpson here. When you sold me this house, you forgot to mention one little thing. You didn't tell me it was built on an Indian burial ground ! No, you didn't ! Well, that's not my recollection.

"Ned Flanders, I mock your value system. You also appear foolish in the eyes of others." Well, howdy, Homer. Ooh, thanks for dropping by. Mmm, he's not responding. Proceed to level two-- antagonism.

Wow. The absorbed odors of a million meals. Oh, so many flavors! All those tasty memories flooding back. If it doesn't fit, you must acquit.

Look at me! I'm the prime minister of Ireland! Hey, Homer, ain't that your kid on TV? What are you lookin' at?

I don't know how you did it, Homer, but you certainly solved that budget crisis.

Hey, I never noticed this place. Dad, it's right across the street from us. That fancy house will never sell. Nobody who could afford it would want to live in this neighborhood. Hey, what's wrong with this neighborhood? Big shot! Too good to buy a house here, snobby? Who you talking to, Homer? The guy who doesn't live there.

Come on! Come on! Leave me alone! Ow! Look at me. I'm Angry Dad! Ow! Ow!

Oh, all right, all right. I'll get your milk. Thank you. Does anyone else want anything while I'm up? No. Marge, get me a beer. Uh, Mom? What? Um, there's a hair in my soup-- but I'll just eat around it. What kind of hair?

Bart, is that you? No! Say your prayers! Oh, Lord, please strike these mountain folk dead. Bart! Listen, we're really sorry. We got lost on a field trip from Springfield Elementary.

Whoopi would've made it work. And now I present Puma Pride by a college-educated artist-- Ooh! Jack Crowley. Man, is that wimpy. What happened to the cool one? Well, my original idea was-- Jeepers, that's sugary even for my taste.

If she doesn't like it, I'll just die!

It's a real honor to be guarding your body, sir. just remember, you represent the office of the mayor. So always comport yourself in a manner befitting-- Quick, honk at that broad. Good work, Simpson. I couldn't be happier with the way that went.

Only Khlav Kalash. Men's room in tower.

Hey, Mrs. K.! Oh, Arthur!

Oh, I don't wanna walk that far. Anything that takes 12 steps isn't worth doin'. Get it? Huh? Twelve? Steps? Hey, how did I get out here?

"I can't go to prison, Monty. They'll eat me alive!"

They've charged us for a call to Brazil. Boy, did you make a prank call to Brazil? No, sir. I didn't. Choke on your lies! I'll teach you to-- Homer, they must've made a mistake.

Help me out, Homer. My little Roddy needs his insulin. Breaks my heart to watch him jones-diddly-onesing. Flanders? I don't know. I mean, you haven't done anything for me since you lent me that 5,000 bucks yesterday. I don't claim to be the perfect neighbor.

Sugar's made my Ralphie hyperactive. I'm happy and angry.

All these vegetables are really clearing the cholesterol out of the old heart. Ahh. Apu friend me good.

What? You give me one good reason!

Wait. Wait for me! Bart, it's time to end this dream And don't forget the standard scream

I don't think it had broken axles before. Before! Before! You're livin' in the past, Marge. Quit livin' in the past. That's funny. I used to be able to go down there. Going bowling. Not back, avenge deaths.

Well, at least we won the bike.

Well, the fact is I wanted to come up with a case even you couldn't solve. And besides... So long, you stupid British twits! Oh! You'll never catch me!

(STOMACH GRUMBLING) Uh-oh. Here comes the gospel according to puke!

How would you like to be a full-time Sprawl Mart greeter? Is there a chance for advancement? No. Whoo-hoo! No pressure.

Marge, they don't have anywhere to stay. And they're geniuses. They'll solve all our problems. They'll elevate us to the status of kings on Earth! Mr. Simpson, we all have nosebleeds. Oh, for the love of--

You took four minutes of my life, and I want them back.

isn't pulling the same scam you are ? For one thing, you wouldn't be getting a French boy. You'd be getting an Albanian. You mean all white with pink eyes ? No. No, no, no. A student from Albania. It's a country on the Adriatic Sea. Well, going to France sounds like a fantastic opportunity, but I think Bart should have a say in this.

I can't believe it! We won another contest! The Simpsons are going to Delaware! I want to see Wilmington! I want to visit a screen door factory. This will be the last season.

It's Bill Pullman, you fool! Point out your plot holes elsewhere. Is there no place for the man with the 105 I.Q.?

I think you'd better drop it.

Turn that off. This could destroy our town. Look what happened to Hitler City, North Carolina. If they hadn't changed their name to Charlotte, they'd be sunk. Sir, conventions are pulling out of Springfield left and right. The Paprika Festival, Bandana Days! Sir, we just lost the Adult Video Awards. Not the Boneys!

How many spoons have you got now, Adam? Nine. If I didn't have my spoons, I'd go insane. Can I see it? My spoon! Ow! Wankers.

He's tough to catch. He keeps changing his name. Oh, I think I'll have another-- Oops. Oh, I'm a little low on funds. Do you think you can cover me just this once ? No, sorry. W-Why not ? I think after all these years I deserve an explanation. I don't think you're ever gonna get another job and be able to pay me back. Oh.

Jackanapes. Lollygaggers. Noodleheads! Enchantress!

Ohh. English side ruined! Must use French instructions! "Le grille"? What the hell is that?

Oh, you. Do you come with the car? Oh, you.

I think you're making him angry. Come on. What's he gonna do? Run amok in downtown Springfield?

Hey, Otto, can I use that microphone ?

Can we put him in more of a hip-hop context?

"To start, press any key." Where's the "Any" key? I see "Esk," "Catarol," and "pig Up." There doesn't seem to be any "Any" key. Whew! All this computer hacking is making me thirsty. I think I'll order a Tab. Oop. No time for that now. The computer's starting.

I wasted five bucks on these. Where'd you get five bucks? I want five bucks. - I sold my soul to Milhouse. - What?

Hi, Mom. Hi, Dad. Tough day at school, boy ? Bart, what happened to you ? Let's just say I paid the inevitable price for helping out my sister.

How about something cool, like "Camptown Races"?

My mom's number's there if you wanna check up on me. That's okay, Bart. I trust you.

Yvan eht nioj Yvan eht nioj

Drop that doughnut. Let's go, pinky. You don't understand. My son just threw his red hat in with the white laundry. Spare me the tiresome antics of the Simpson family. Take him away.

Hi, Dad. Hi, son! How are you-- Ew! Dad, look. I made fish sticks. They're burned on the outside, but they're frozen on the inside, so it balances out. Yeah, good. That raccoon stole my lamb chop!

Promise you won't tell him. I promise. Whoops ! Forget what I just told you. What are you blubbering about ? This makes me feel special, Dad. Since I'm the one you kept, that must mean you really love me. Hmm. Interesting theory. I'm going to find my brother. I don't care what it takes.

The prisoner is hereby paroled into your custody. Oh-Oh, my goodness. I'm free? Oh, Mrs. Simpson. Oh, geez, I'm sorry. Sorry. You won't regret this.

Prepare to engage enemy. Bogie's air speed not sufficient for intercept. Suggest we get out and walk.

Hmm. This kitchen certainly could use a woman's touch. - Homer, what's this thing in the corner ? - I don't know.

Very tempting, but I assure you, I'm still not sold. Want to split an ice cream sundae? Done and done! BART: Check it out. Principal Skinrash. Nice work, Bart, but give him a runny nose.

Homer. Use the for-- The Force? - The forks. Use the forks. - Oh.

Look, Son. Edison was just like me. You mean the wild mood swings? No! We both lived in another man's shadow. This old-timey nerd and I have suffered the same frustration and heartache. We're not rivals.

Shh! Cobras! English - US - Line 21

What about me? You didn't thank me. You didn't do anything. I like being thanked.

Dad! Look! I'm on it! Be careful- Uh-oh. All right, aim for the big hose coming out of his face. What, you mean the trunk? Easy there, college boy. Wait! Wait! My son, my husband and the Van Houten boy are in there!

Bart Simpson, I know you cut school yesterday. And as soon as I can prove it, I'm shipping you off... to the Christian Military Reform School.

I feel like luge silver medalist Barbara Niedernhuber.

Hey, Lenny, sending some outgoing mail? You know it. - I'll probably send some tomorrow. - I hear that.

That technology is three months old. Only suckers buy out-of-date machines. Uh, you're not a sucker, are you, sir? Heavens, no! Oh, good. Because if you were, I'd have to ask you to leave the store. I just need something to receive e-mail. You'll need a top-of-the-line machine for that. That's the same computer astronauts use to do their taxes.

I simply can't wait that long. Maybe we should get some help. How about a book?

Take that, Bowlarama. Take that, convenience mart. Take that, nuclear power pl-- Oh, fiddlesticks.

Oh, this is bad. This is really bad. You work and you slave and you steal just enough... for a sweet lick of that shiny brass ring. DOn't I get a lick? Doesn't Gil get a lick? Simpson, Homer J. Hey, put in a good word for ol' Gil, would ya?

All I have to do is follow the yellow drip road. There's our secret meeting place.

Hey, hey, how about that weather out there? Whoa, that was the caller from hell. Well, hot dog, we have a "Wiener."

Yes, you do ! I hope you're happy, Bart !

Well, these days, people like observational humor... about things they deal with in everyday life.

Now, sweetie, don't worry about a thing. I'll teach you to comb it over so no one can tell-- Just like my hair.

Rum-- so no one will believe your story! And don't come back. Kent Brockman here with "Campaign '96: America Flips a Coin." At an appearance this morning, President Clinton made some rather cryptic remarks...

We killed Itchy and Scratchy? Good riddance. Wanna go celebrate? I feel like liver and onions. Mmm.

Oh, I'm so confused. Lise, Skinner is using you like a pawn on his unholy chess set. On my chess set, the pawns are all Hamburglars. (UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

Oh. I know. I heard it too. Here's some musiC.

England is so classy. Every cab has its own butler. Actually, I'm not a butler. I had already hired this cab when you got in. But the more the merrier, and all that. (CHUCKLING) Make with the tea, Jeeves. Yes. Very good, sir.

Die, you monster! Dad, that's the water softener. Well, I am missing the back of my head. I think you could cut me some slack.

So, who wants a Preflight cookie? Fig Newtons? Hydrox?

That's it. Don't be shy. Now maybe a little joke to break the ice. Or a big joke. Careful now. Nobody likes a show-off.

Maybe Bob Dole should run. Bob Dole thinks Bob Dole should. Actually, Bob Dole just likes to hear Bob Dole talk about Bob Dole. Bob Dole! We want Krusty!

What is matter? Never mind.

And now, a man who needs no introduction...

Huh? He thinks you're gay. He thinks I'm gay? Everybody Dance now

Whaa ! Yikes ! Uh-uh-uh ! Ha, ha, ha ! Ha, ha, ha ! Oh.

Ooh! Pretty colors. Me want a drink. Oh!

All right! ANNOUNCER 2 ON TV: Congratulations to our winning father and son team, who will receive a free appetizer at Fuzzy Zoeller's Green Jacket Steakhouse. "And you won't be teed off when you come in "because our steaks are cooked to par-fection.

Give it a try. It's like kissing a peanut.

Okay, the retest says you're clean. Sorry about the mistake. The only thing I'm high on is love-- love for my son and daughters. Yes, a little L.S.D. is all I need. All right. Sounds very good.

Yeah, you can use it.

And the state of Florida. How can one ordinary man have so many enemies? I'm a people person... who drinks. Ah. Homer, in order to identify your assailant... I must follow you through the course of a normal day. Just do what you usually do...

Oh! Makes no sense. I haven't changed since high school, and suddenly I'm uncool.

like the swallows returning to Capistrano.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah We built this city This kick-ass city What kind of music built this city Rock and roll Dad, look out! Look out for what The giant gator The giant--

nobody's gonna slow me down like A wHeel, gonna spin it nobody's gonna mess me around hey, Satan, payin' my dues

Hmph. Oh. Hmph! Oh, sweetie! Hmm. Oh.

Oh, honey, think pink. Look. A salute to safe sex. Ha-ha-ha.

"The only exception was the embarrassingly dated humor... of Springfield's green-haired, red-nosed hack--" Yeah, yeah, yeah. "Krusty the Clown." No! They say any publicity is good publicity. You, sir, are an idiot.

I have a question. If you're so good, why do you allow bad things to happen? Why am I so fat? Why do bad things happen to good people?

Oh, I... concur. Word-a-day Calendar. I'm just trying to work up the courage to ask Burns for a raise.

Sing the nonsense song with me Yum yum wow Woop de we Flibberty flabberty one two three

That's the end of your loony tune, Drugs Bunny. You're under arrest for astro-vandalism. And may God help you if that thing carried the Spice Channel!

How's this for later?

Sorry you were wrongfully imprisoned, Simpson. Can I apply my time toward a future crime? You can either steal a car or kick me in the crotch. (GRUNTS) No one ever chooses the car. Oh, Dad! Mmm. I missed you so much!

Yes! My precious CarToons! "Who pumped Ethyl?" How come I never get any mail? I'm sorry, honey. Here, you can have the junk mail.

Would you like an inscription, sir? Yeah. To Lisa: Never forget your daddy loves-- D'oh! And that inscription is still there today.

The following is a public service announcement. Excessive alcohol consumption can cause liver damage... and cancer of the rectum. Mmm, beer.

All right, Mom. I promise you will never be billed for another call. Bobby Sherman.

Hyah! Merry Christmas, suckers!

Dad, you shouldn't wear glasses that weren't prescribed for you. Lisa, just because you're 10 feet tall doesn't mean you can tell me what to do. I'm Bart. Give me those.

Hey, Homer, what's all the hubbub? Let me guess. You travel back in time again? Shut up! You haven't even been born yet! Easy, Homer. I'll bring you back. Safety dance Ohh! Oh, boy, am I glad to see you guys. That was Men Without Hats.

Fresh Khlav Kalash! Get your Khlav Kalash!

(GIRLS GIGGLING) Son, I need to pee, but I can't stop watching. - Fetch me a bottle. - Come on, Dad. I've seen you hit the toilet from here. What are you two doing? (GASPS) Uh... We're watching the latest photos from Mars. Ho-ho! Great stuff. Worth every billion.

Oh, hi, Bart. I'd gladly share these sweet cookies with you... if only you would help me remove this ribbon. - Here's a knife. - Oh, thank you. Now let's all share the goodness. Share this.

Only my hairdresser knows for sure.

Oh, how convenient.

I mean, if I should slip something into your pocket, what's the harm? Oh, my God! He is coming on to me. After all, negotiations make strange bedfellows. Sorry, Mr. Burns, but I don't go in for these backdoor shenanigans.

Now this is a joseph Turner. In an era when everyone else painted portraits, he broke away by painting the Venetian canals. It's glorious! The streets are paved with water! You could ride a walrus to work! And Picasso started out painting realistically, then moved on to cubism.

Look at that, kids. No fighting. No yelling. No belching. The dad has his shirt on. Look, napkins ! These people are obviously freaks. Oh, you think so ? Well, let's see what's behind door number two.

Ye gods! To the police station, Krusty! I am Melvin Van Horn, and this is my associate, Hershel Krustofski. Hey, hey. Officers, you have arrested an innocent man. Really? Oh, geez. All right, Colossus, you're free to go.

Ah, sucks to the law. Stop! Leave Milhouse alone. Help me out here, Bart. I don't know, Lise. To be honest, that verdict made me pretty angry. Bart's with us, law girl. Step aside. Hey, man. Leave my sister alone!

One man, he resist Hello, Springfield! It's me-- Homer! What the bloody hell?

Swim toward San Francisco! I'm not made of money! We'll swim to Oakland.

Oh, you'll be at the feast. I have a feeling you'll be the guests of honor. Tell us more about this feast. No, no. Eat now. When we arrive, there will be plenty of time... to chew the fat.

Okay, I'm not gonna give up. Solitude never hurt anyone. Emily Dickinson lived alone, and she wrote some of the most beautiful poetry the world has ever known. Then went crazy as a loon.

Clowns are funny.

Good-bye ! Good-bye, everybody ! Bye ! Yea ! Maggie, wanna watch the Happy Little Elves again ? Okay, but you have to untie me First.

That's my girl. You took little children to The Re-Deadening? Homer, this is a rare lapse in judgment for you. But scaring kids is good for them.

Finally, I'll be the dominant one.

Yeah. What's the deal? Well, I used to do a lot of tumbling in my act, but I'm phasing it out for more dirty limericks. There once was a man named Enis--

"Mutt and Jer' comics are not funny. They're gay. I get it. You’ve been in there over an hour, boy! Other people have to confess too, you know. I cant hold it in. I hate this house!

Lugash must go next door to anger management class.

"Drunk Cop"- Is that you? No. Look lower. Ooh, pie.

And a sloppy speller too. The preferred spelling of "Wiener" is w-i-e-n-e-r, although "e-i" is an acceptable ethnic variant. Good point. Boys, let's see your hands. Mm-hmm. Good. Okay. Simpson ?

Five thousand, six thousand? I swear, that's all I've got. Don't you care about your son? This is more important than money. More important than money? Who is this? Uh-- Uh, just a second.

Oh. Nice doggy.

It's about a man whose father-in-law gave him a sweet job... as manager of a cracker factory. Boring! A man whose complete lack of business sense and managerial impotence-- Ooh! Here we go! sent the number one cracker factory in town... into a tie for sixth with Table Time and Allied Biscuit. You want to hear a secret, everybody?

Well, maybe a few of them do... back east. I can't find what Homer's saying. Did you write that?

And you're from Mars. Oh, sure. Give me the one with all the monsters. Homer, don't you see? Our differences are only skin deep. But our "sames" go right down to the bone. Maybe we do have a-- A profound, mystical understanding? Hey! We do!

I don't want to be either. Hot diggety damn! That's good enough for me.

Hmm. Clean house, no silverfish. Could've been very happy here. Homer. Moe. What are you doin' here? I, um-- Well, I-- I never touched her. Homer, I swear, I never touched her. Here's your water, Moe. I didn't ask her for no water. She's lyin', Homer. She told me you were dead.

I just had a vision of my own horrible, fiery death. And? Lisa, your brother's obviously had a nightmare. Don't worry, honey. The scary part's over. Marge, look at all this great stuff I found at the marina! It was just sitting in some guy's boat.

Please to explain it. Ah. Yeah. Well, whenever you notice something like that, a wizard did it. I see. All right. Yes. But in Episode AG4-- Wizard.

Soul? Come on, Milhouse. There's no such thing as a soul. It's just something they made up to scare kids, like the boogeyman, or Michael jackson. But every religion says there's a soul, Bart. Why would they lie? What would they have to gain? I don't hear scrubbing! If your soul's real, where is it?

In five minutes, it'll be on the World Wide Web. I can't wait that long. To pass the time, help yourself to some more stock.

Friends, you have come to depend on me as your safety watchdog... so you won't scrape yourself or stub your toes... or blow yourselves up. But you can't depend on me all your life. You have to learn that there's a little Homer Simpson in all of us,

Yeah! As Homer's defense attorney, I feel we should be merci-- Hey! - Did you just take a bite out of me? - Um, maybe. I sentence you to death!

Here we see him creating the two comical characters... out of thoughts he plucks from his head. And that man waving from the front of the float... is his son, Roger Myers jr. Oh, isn't this just the most fun you've ever had in your life, Dave? Yes, Suzanne. It is.

If it were up to you, the brew would be nothing but newt eyes. Well, look who's here. If I knew you were coming, I'd have baked a cat. What a day. They found out I was a witch, so I had to leave my family. Really? So you finally left Durwood. His name is Homer.

Now you're thinking, "I hope that's shepherd's pie in my knickers."

Well, I believe I'll vote for a third-party candidate. Go ahead. Throw your vote away.

- This time tomorrow you'll be wearing high heels. - Nope. You will. - 'Fraid noT. 'Fraid noT. - 'Fraid so. 'Fraid so. - 'Fraid not, infinity. Doh ! - 'Fraid so, infinity plus one.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Well, it seems the smartest child in the class... is also the quietest.

Wait. Don't go. Love me!

Fine. I will! Oh, no. My pudding is trapped forever!

and assigned me a number based on the order in which I joined. Who controls the British Crown Who keeps the metric system down We do, we do

your baby, Maggie Simpson, is dead!

he's probably going to lash out in ways like these.

Well, sir, there's nothin' on earth like a genuine, bona fide, electrified, six-car monorail. - What'd I say? - Monorail!

Mom, he's doing it again! Bart, quit it. Quit it! Hey, quit it, quit it, quit it. Mom!!

That's right, "Money." Your "money's" happiness is all that "moneys."

Extra mustard for Bart's sliced diagonally. Light mayo for Lisa, cut off the crust.

Ice cream scoop? Damn it, Smithers! This isn't rocket science, it's brain surgery! All right. Hello. Look at me-- I'm Davy Crockett!

You quitter! Quitter boy! Quitter boy!

It's a heartbreaking situation. Am I dead yet? No. How about now? No! Now?

Oh, Lisa, it's terrible. Okay. This dance has gone Titanic. What happened? Well, the boys and girls are, like, afraid of each other.

Uh-oh. This way. Uh-oh.

Save your tears, Moe. Save 'em in a shot glass for someone who still has a shred of hope. A shred of what? Sorry. I was counting the cocktail radishes. Now, where was I? Uh, two, three-- three radishes. Three big radishes.

Excuse me. Paul Bunyan never fought Rodan.

Uh-oh. My eyes. The goggles do nothing.

I thought we were having steamed clams. D'oh, no. I said steamed hams. That's what I call hamburgers.

Dr. Wolfe likes to pull kids' teeth, so he can sell 'em. To who? You know that rattle when you shake up spray paint? That's a kid's tooth. Maggie's teeth are coming in crooked.

But, Marge, look at this little guy.

Say, I wonder if this Homer Nixon is any relation? Unlikely, sir. They-- They spell and pronounce their name differently.

Oh, this seems somehow familiar. Let's see. Hmm. Oh! Whoa! Too hot. Mmm, hmm. Oh. Too cold. Well, this doesn't take a genius. Mmm. We're in the three bears' house!

but, uh, you can see it's beyond the range of any doubt.

Oh, all right. Li-- Columbus was looking for a passage to India. Correct, Alison. And on your very first day in our class. And, during a subsequent voyage, Columbus found what is now the continent of South America. Yowee. I never made Miss Hoover "YOwee."

Huh? Huh? He aint no cowboy! Sure I am. Okay, he's in.

I have a bomb! Hey, wait a minute! Those are hot dogs! Armour Hot Dogs! What kind of man wears Armour Hot Dogs? It was a good idea, Bart. But it's just not working. just speak from the heart, Seymour.

I'm so excited. It's like giving birth to a child of steel and iron. (BEETHOVEN'S FIFTH SYMPHONY PLAYING)

Wait a minute. Go back. Zoom in. Why is that man in pink?!

And we'll visit a nudist camp... for animals. But, first, a look at the local holiday that was called... distasteful and puerile by a panel of hillbillies, "whacking Day."

Fine. I'll do it myself. That was amazing, Mr. Burns!

I'm Chiquita Banana and I'm here to say I will eat this Toblerone and I will not pay

And the state of Florida. How can one ordinary man have so many enemies? I'm a people person... who drinks. Ah. Homer, in order to identify your assailant... I must follow you through the course of a normal day. Just do what you usually do...

"The following is a list of words... "I never want to hear on television again. "Number one: bra. "Number two: horny. Number three: family jewels."

Name, please. Certainly. I am... the, uh, piano genius from the movie Shine. Uh-huh. And your name is? Uh, Shiny McShine. Actually, he's Homer Simpson. That's Bart. I'm Lisa. Lisa Simpson? You're the ship's proofreader. Welcome aboard.

They were about rebellion, about political and social upheaval! Did you talk about me in therapy today? I don't think so. Tell me the truth! Don't tell her I raised my voice. Don't. Happy family. Happy family.

- Who are you? - Homer, I'm your guardian angel. I've assumed the form of someone you would recognize and revere-- Sir Isaac Newton. Sir Isa-who? Oh, very well.

Welcome to your home for the next six months. Oh, man. I cant wear this. I look like Buster Brown, whoever that is. Oh, you look adorable, Lisa. Your school chums are going to be so jealous of your little outfit. God, I wish I had that little outfit.

Hey, Homer. Bring me back a torpedo. No! But Flanders got his kids torpedoes! Oh, he did, did he? I'll show him! I'll bring you a weapon of unimaginable destructive power! Homer! But only if you're good. Even if you're not.

Then Knock-A-Homer did three victory laps and pretended to drink a beer!

Please wait by your vehicle between 9:00 a.m. and 5:00 p.m... for parking officer Steve-- Grabowski. They expect me to sit here from 9:00 to 5:00? That's-- How many hours? Ten, 11, denominator--

Whatever Homer wants All my life, I have searched for a car that feels a certain way. Homer gets Powerful like a gorilla, yet soft and yielding like a Nerf ball. Now, at last, I have found it.

It's eerily beautiful. But are you sure this is safe? Of course not! But you know something? Sometimes you have to break the rules to free your heart. You got that from a movie poster. Well, when there's nothing left to believe in, believe in hope.

In episode 2F09, when Itchy plays Scratchy's skeleton like a xylophone,

Sure, he's not perfect. But who is in this workaday world? No, Mom. Wait. It's time for me to bend over and receive my destiny.

This is Armin's life. Maybe it's not perfect, but at least I'm back where I belong. I was born a no-goodnik, and I'll die a no-goodnik. Seymour! I didn't bring you up to use language like that! You didn't bring me up at all. The hell I didn't! I've been taking care of you for 26 years! I'm the only mother you've ever known! But you have your real son.

Okay, Marge. You hide in the abandoned amusement park. Lisa, the pet cemetery. Bart, spooky roller disco. And I'll go skinny-dipping in that lake... where the sexy teens were killed a hundred years ago tonight. Now, Flanders, I want you to--

Architect! Mm-hmm. Insurance salesman. Mm-hmm. Salmon gutter?! Military strongman! Systems analyst, systems analyst, systems analyst. Systems analyst. All right! Homemaker? Mm-hmm. It's like a mommy. Police officer?!

You guys work on the movie? You're sayin' we're not working? Oh, I always wanted to be a Teamster. So lazy and surly. Mind if I relax next to ya?

The mother's the voice of reason. Here come the cricket bats.

Oh, my juice Loosener's never gonna come. - Hey, Dad, this came for you in the mail. - Whoo-hoo!

Dance! All right. We're finally gonna stop those corporate pigs from dumping that nuclear waste. Oh, no! Our boat is sinking.

Your fingerprints are just like snowflakes. They're both very pretty.

(GROANS) Now it's payback time! (GRUNTING) I wish I'd gone to more orgies. (GROANS) Wow! This stuff is great! It's way better than the comics I get at the dentist!

You got it back, just like you said you would. I sincerely regret any inconvenience I may have caused, and although I have stolen your material goods, let me assure you that your dear town has stolen my heart. Aww! Oh, he's so charming. Let's let him go. Yeah!

What is this, open mike night? Hal Now to get me some caveman hookers.

Homer, this is a terrible thing that's happened. But we can't blame ourselves. We can and will ! Children need discipline. You can ask any syndicated advice columnist. Marge, are we ever gonna see him again ?

You can only find it on products which meet the high personal standards of Krusty the Clown. - Ow! - Oops. I should've warned you. That clock gets incredibly hot if you leave it plugged in. That's okay. Uh, all this stuff is fine.

Look, I'm sorry. A loveless marriage is one thing. We're not hurting anybody. But bringing a child into a loveless family... is something I just can't do. Oh, great! We'll adopt. I'll call my agent. He'll find some kid who wants in on the deal.

I don't wanna have to wash any dishes. So from now on, drink straight from the faucet or milk carton, and we'll eat while standing over the sink or toilet. - Who's gonna change Maggie? - We're gonna let her roam free in the backyard, and nature will take its course. Excuse me, but I think if we all do our fair share, we can keep this house clean.

I bring you love. Is that the love between a man and a woman, or the love of a man for a fine Cuban cigar? Uh, I bring you love. It's bringing love! Don't let it get away! Break its legs!

Well, let's see what we got in the old drawer. Eh. Eh. Aha! There's some glue. Hope this stuff holds.

in the lusts of our flesh-- I'm a troll man Do do do do do do do I'm a troll man I don't want you playing with something that has such bizarre hair.

I miss them all so much. (SOBBING) I hope this typeface catches people's eye. It sure didn't move our old fondue set.

Thank you. Oh, my God! I knew I shouldn't have left. Ah! Welcome back, Smithers. Say, do you know Homer Simpson? He pitched in around the office while you were away. Bang-up Job, Simpson, but I guess it's back to your trusty post in Sector 7G. You heard the man, Simpson.

I thought you said the law was powerless. Yeah, powerless to help you, not punish you. Mmm. Earned my treat. This isn't over, Becky! I know where you live!

Uh-oh. It's seeping in. Stupid, cheap weather stripping!

Yes, thank God those days are over.

I don't like your attitude, you Watercooler dictator. What do you have in that secret government file anyway? I have a right to read it. You sure do. "Wife: Marjorie. Children: Bartholomew, Lisa"-- Aha! See? This thing is all screwed up! Who the heck is Margaret Simpson? Uh, your youngest daughter.

Very well. I will have a shot of cranberry schnapps. Uh, these, they're just painted on there. Your choices are beer and, uh, egg soakings. I'll pass. Beer is the nectar of the nitwit. Hey, you knockin' beer? Nobody bad-mouths Duff!

Can't breathe. Sweet chocolate... cutting off air.

Correction, Homer. You're the second. That's right, Mr. Peabody. Quiet, you.

Ooh! Mmm. Ohh! Mmm.

I only need one volunteer, Ralph. Miss Hoover, which one is "one"?

And there's your whatchamacall repressed trauma. I mean, who likes getting muddy? It's terrible. Okay. Let's go to Moe's now. Wait a minute. I remember falling in the mud, but I don't think that's why I've been screaming. Fine. Crap all over my theory. Something else happened in that quarry.

You did it, Moe! A cougar! Die, cougar! Ow! My leg! Oh, geez! Got that cat right in the leg. Dad, you shot Moe! Oh, no! This time I really am gonna faint.

Mango lime salsa? That's the kind of bold flavor they enjoy in... Albuquerque! He's right! Yeah! And the wrapper says "Albuquerque Isotopes"! Homer was right! They're planning to move the team!

Probably a scar too. Mrs. Simpson, Bart tells me he injured himself training for a career in death defiance ? Yes. Well, we saw a daredevil last night. And, well, you know, monkey see, monkey do. Hmm, I think I know something that might discourage him from this sort of behavior. Bart, in this ward are the children who have been hurt...

Sweet Toledo! What's keeping that dress on? The collective will of everyone in this room! Ha-ha! Excellent. You fruits wouldn't know what to do with me!

Frankly, I'll be quite relieved when we get back to England, and we won't have to deal with them. Are you saying we won't see my family again? Well, possibly your mother will come when the children are born. I can't believe I'm hearing this! - I don't want to cut my family out of my life! - Really? But, Lisa, you're better than this place. You're like a flower that grew out of a pot of dirt.

It's like Paul's song, "Live and Let Live." It was "Live and Let Die." Whatever, whatever. It had a good rhythm. I guess I have been pretty hard on a lot of people, especially my dad. Thanks, you guys. Lisa, before you go, would you like to hear a song? Wow! That'd be great! Okay. Take it, apu.

And the bold new ideas these tiny tykes unveil for us today... could make thousands of jobs like yours... obsolete. Our first little genius is Ralph Wiggum.

Where's Otis? He's not in his cell. - I shot him. - Well, that's a-- What?

Now, look, boy. If your da goes gaga, you just use that "shin" of yours... to call me, and I'll come a-runnin'. But don't be reading my mind between 4:00 and 5:00. That's Willie's time!

What’s this? "Extremely high voltage." Well, I dont need safety gloves because I'm Homer Simp-

We'll have family fun! Family fun!

Yeah, I used to be rich. I owned Mickey Mouse massage parlors. Then those Disney sleazeballs shut me down. I said, "I'll change the logo-- put Mickey's pants on." Some guys you just can't reason with.

Thank you, Bart. That was very sweet. You may sit down now. They're not gonna get away with this. I'm going to step out for a few minutes, class. Martin, you're in charge. Now, Bart, uh-- you must promise not to fall in love with me.

You're my only hope, Nibbles. Godspeed, Nibbles. Godspeed.

But instead he's gonna rot in the slammer for the next 20 years. Bread and water, icy showers, guards whomping your ass around the clock. And the only way out is suicide.

(AIR HORN BLOWING) Stop it, Homer! Oh...

Ah! Hello, UN Women's Conference! (EXCLAIMS) We're trapped!

You're on your honor not to steal anything. Oh, we won't. Little jamshed, the store is in your hands. How I have waited for this day.

Whatever you say, Mr. Billboard!

Mr. Burns has been shot. Just a minute. This isn't Mr. Burns at all. It's a mask. Wait. It is Burns. His wrinkly skin looks like a mask.

Hey, Hollywood. Call me. My number's on the bench.

Yeah, yeah, yeah... Hi, kids. Today's show's going to be the funniest, side-splittingest cavalcade of... Aw, the hell with it. Roll the cartoon.

Hello, Smithers. You're quite good... at turning... me on. Um, you probably should ignore that. No, it couldn't be!

No, I said Sampson, not Simpson. Thank God ! Those Simpsons, what a bunch of savages ! Especially that big-ape father. Doh ! Actually, the Simpsons are neighbors of ours, and we've found them to be a quite misunderstood and underrated family. Mom, you look so glamorous.

Aw... you be good. I will. As I look into this sea of smiling faces I am filled with a sense of loathing and revulsion.

A ship! A ship with people! I know. I'll bring them to me. And then they'll have to be my friends. Come here, people!

Hey, I know. How about if I dig up some dirt on Alison? Remember how I got Milhouse's picture on America's Most Wanted? There he is, on the monkey bars. Try to take him alive. Oh, no! Not again!

"No! No! No! Don't stop a-rockin'!" Dad, please. You're embarrassing us. No, I'm not. I'm teaching you about rock music. Now, Grand Funk Railroad paved the way for jefferson Airplane, which cleared the way for jefferson Starship. The stage was now set for The Alan Parsons Project, which I believe was some sort of hovercraft.

No? How dare you question Mr. Burns. I'll handle it, Smithers. Shut up, little girl.

By the end, I thought I was a hummingbird of some kind.

All you did was yak, yak, yak. You didn't even shoot anybody." Damn! I knew it. Ah, don't do this to yourself, Mel. The guy's obviously a nut. Maybe. Maybe he's the only person with the guts to tell me the truth. Turn the plane around. I want to go to 742 Evergreen Terrace. But you promised to help me move. Ah, geez.

Tell me more. I want to know all the constellations. Well, there's... Jerry the cowboy. And that big dipper looking thing... is Alan... the cowboy. Oh, Papa Homer, you are so learned.

I don't understand. That wasn't funny. Wait a minute. Somebody's not laughing here. It's him. Hey. Don't blame me. This movie is tired and predictable. You know she's gonna wind up marrying Richard Gere. I thought she'd wind up with that rich snob.

Do you want to hear my award-winning secret? Human interest stories. They tug at the heart and fog the mind.

Next week on Behind the Laughter: Huckleberry Hound. I was so gay. But I couldn't tell anyone.

You’d think so, but no. They look like you. They were rude to Patty and Selma. And the horde has been described as very gassy. Yeah. ts a good group.

You're dead. You should wash up for dinner. To make it fun, you can use the Mr. Bubble. It'll be like giving your fingers a bubble bath. You are so dead.

It's disgusting. But since you've confessed to birdslaughter, we have no choice but to peck your face off. No! Not the face! Oww! What are you doing?

Whoa! Ooh! Aah! It's hopeless! There's nothin' to it. Give me those heels. Heel, toe, heel, toe, heel, toe. Hmm. Do you really think I can win? Hey, I'm starting to think I can win.

Why should I go inside? The world is my toilet now.

- Homer ! You promised. - I promised I wouldn't eat ? Never. You lie.

During the exam, I'll hide under some coats... and hope that somehow everything will work out.

And for you, Ned? I'll have a Shirley-- No, a virgin-- No, make it a children's-- Oh, what the heck. You only live once. Give me a white wine spritzer. Spritzer--

Wow ! Ninety-nine times thirteen equals... Merry Christmas ! I got a bad feeling about this. - Don't you believe in me, son ? - Uh-- Come on, boy. Sometimes your faith is all that keeps me going. Oh, go for it, Dad.

Hello, Beefcake Charlie. (CHUCKLES) Dad, how could you say these things?

Oh, no! You killed Captain jack. You in a heap of trouble, son. You'll have to catch me first! Uhh! Ow! Ow! Ow! Okay. I'll go quietly.

Hmm. There it is. "Australia." I'll be damned. Look at this country! "U-R-Gay."

Hey, Bart, how about a blast from the past? A 40-year-old novelty beverage?

"D'oh." Sorry, M.B., but I'm having trouble with this character. Is he supposed to have some kind of neurological impairment, like Rain Man or Awakenings? I mean, what the hell am I doing here? And this dialogue has none of the wit and sparkle of Murphy Brown.

Get out of there!

(LAUGHING MANIACALLY) (THUNDER CLAPS) (MANIACAL LAUGHING CONTINUES)

Bye-bye. A Bible park without beer? Now I've seen everything! And this candy is subpar. Any religion that embraces carob is, uh, not for Carl Carlson. Oh! Hey, get out of the way, pal. You're blocking the exit. Oh, you want me to stamp your hand so you can get back in? Don't you dare!

I'm gonna write that sitcom about the sassy robot. Here, kids. I guess you deserve this. Let's go. I guess nobody likes the truth, huh, Grampa? Nope. I'll never watch an awards show again. Unless that delightful Billy Crystal's involved.

Bills, bills. Oh, a rejection letter from The New Yorker subscription department. Hmm. Who or what is Santos L. Halper? Wow! My own credit card! Thanks, Santos!

Whee! Where's my elephant?

Johnny's next record was a spoken word album of his right-wing political views. It killed his career. If you can tell me the name of that album, call our contest line now. I know that! Hello. This is Homer Simpson. Homer, can you name that title? "This Things I Believe."

(RAPIDLY INTERLOCKING DOODLIES, DIDDLIES) Say, would you like to puff on a reefer-ino? It's legal here. They warned me Satan would be attractive. Let's go!

Yes, the lesson is-- No, don't tell me. I'll get it. Oh, I know. The Lord is vengeful. O Spiteful One, show me who to smite, and they shall be "smoten." Homer, God didn't set your house on fire. No, but he was working in the hearts of your friends and neighbors...

Good Lord! Did anyone get the license number? Gee, I forgot. Uh, no.

please be sweet and never bitter helP us with math and book reports might I add eat my shorts - Bart! just cuttin' through the treacle.

Joy to the world The Lord is come Let Earth receive her king Let every-- - Season's greetings. - Peace out.

Don't make me come down there! Like to see you Fit. Why, you little...! Put a man on him.

Ah, Monday morning. Time to pay for your two days of debauchery you hung-over drones. T.G.I.M., sir.

But you'll find one gets more respect as a humble civil servant... than as a homicidal maniac or a clown's sidekick. Aha! I knew it! You're still angry that Krusty picked me instead of you.

and talk about what's to be done with this Homer Simpson. Look, just get rid of the sugar, okay? No!

Haven't you ever heard of Occam's Razor? The simplest explanation is probably the correct one.

What? In that family, nobody trusted nobody. They even brought their lawyers to Thanksgiving dinner. So, uh, how's everybody doing? You don't have to answer that. Shut up, all of you, or I'll sue. Oh, save it for your next book, you little snitch.

Cut to commercial!

I am Death. Death? We don't want any.

Help! Nurse! Someone's trying to kill me! Okay, we'll do something about that right away. Let's start by doubling your medication.

Okay, I'll just even this out and-- Mr. Laswell... I've done it again.

Breath... short. Left arm... numb. Can't go on describing symptoms much longer. I think he's had a heart attack.

Goodness, I had no idea. For, you see, I have been on Mars for the last decade... in a cave with my eyes shut and my fingers in my ears.

That guy exploits his pets worse than Bob Guccione. Well, I'm afraid the law is clear. And Dad did renounce all claim to ownership.

It's about a hard-drinking yet loving family of soccer hooligans.

Isn't she beautiful? Little Miss Springfield? First, Tony Randall cancels. Now this. Hey, what gives here? This is bogus! Hey! Where do you think you're goin'? We want Miss Springfield! Hey, set me down at that boat show.

Well, look at the wonders of the computer age now. Wonders, Lisa? Or blunders? I think that was implied by what I said.

No, no, no! No, ask your heart what its fondest desire is. Hmm. Mmm. Chocolate. Mmm. Invisible cola. Mmm. Forbidden doughnut.

Oh, good. Those helpful beavers are swimming out to save him. Oh, no. They're biting him and stealing his pants. Good lord! He'll be sucked into the turbine.

Look, Daddy. I'm the jealous jockey. I'm a torso. I'm glad you're not mad. But I lied to you, and I won't feel right until I return your deposit.

Don't worry, Mrs. Simpson. We've helped hundreds of people in danger. We'll give you a new name, a new job, new identities. Whoo! I wanna be john Elway. Elway takes the snap and runs it in for a touchdown! Thanks to Elway's patented last-second magic,

I pay my taxes, and they pay your salary !

Oh, here you go. I believe that's all in order. I can't believe that worked! Hey! That's not the wallet inspector. Marge, they don't have anywhere to stay.

Boy, when Marge first told me she was going the police academy, I thought it'd be fun and exciting, you know, like that movie, Spaceballs. But instead it's been painful and disturbing like that movie Police Academy.

Dad, whatever you say, you know you'll always have my love and respect. I never graduated from high school.

All right. I'll only be gone for a second. Hey! Frontsies. Backsies. I'm with them. V.I.P. coming through. Very important person. Give me frontsies. What in the--

If I went to a barbecue and there was no meat, I would say, "Yo, goober! Where's the meat?" I'm trying to impress people here, Lisa. You don't win friends with salad. You don't win friends with salad You don't win friends with salad You don't win friends with salad You don't win friends with salad You don't win friends with salad

Hello ? Dr. Hibbert ? This is Marge Simpson. Uh, not that I'm angry, but how did you get my home number ? I see. Quite ingenious.

His wrinkly skin looks like a mask. I don't think we'll ever know who did this. Everyone in town's a suspect. Well, I couldn't possibly solve this mystery. Can you?

- Splendid. Welcome to Canada. - D'oh!

Oh, Homer, I've been the world's biggest rat.

Oh. That little punk! Lisa, we got another postcard from your father. "Wish you were her." How many of these is he going to send me? Wow! Dad and Bart have been everywhere.

Homer, you moron. Homer, you genius! Geronimo! Huh?

That's right. That's-- That's not good. People, this is an issue that we, as a town, are strong enough to ignore.

Can I leave? Of course, and don't worry There will be plenty of apples for you. Nobody will take away your precious apples. The note was asking you to-- No, tell my secretary I said you could have a free apple. She'll make everything all right. I promise.

Let's walk over to them. Why walk when you can dance? Where's Lisa? Shh! This plot is hard enough to follow as it is.

"Dear parents, due to yesterday's unscheduled field trip to the auto wrecking yard, "the school bus will be out of commission for two weeks. "By reading this letter out loud, "you have waived any legal responsibility on our part... in perpetuity, throughout the universe."

Eyeball stew. Homer, we just got here,

TV's there, bathroom's there, and there's your king-size bed for-- - Hubba-hubba. - Stop that! I love my wife and family. All I'm gonna use this bed for is sleeping, eating, and maybe building a little fort-- that's it.

Hey, robot, get your fat metal ass down here! First of all, I'm not a robot.

I don't see how you can support Proposition 24, Dad. Open your eyes, Lisa. Our schools are so jam-packed with immigrants, kids like Bart have lost the will to learn. There's no denying it, Sis. But immigration is what America's all about. Even the Simpson family immigrated to America. Right, Grandpa?

It all happened shortly after my eighth birthday. Okay, here we go. Ten goats and an electric fan? You call that a dowry? Okay. We will throw in a textile factory,

Whoa ! Good morning, world ! Rise and shine, Springfield students. It's the Bill and Marty Show. He's Bill. He's Marty. Two grown men who can't get enough of each other. And it looks like we've got some snow formation for all those flake lovers out there.

Well, maybe I want to. But then I think about Marge and the kids. Well, not the boy. He drives me nuts. Sometimes I'd just like to-- Homer,

Well, that was a great night for us all.

Mom? Dad? We'd better do something about this. Don't be sad. It's Carnaval!

Look how healthy I am. You see? I'm finally thin enough... to wrap this thing around my arm.

What the hell was that? I probably shouldn't have eaten that packet of powdered gravy I found in the parking lot. Nice glasses, four eyes. Yeah, nice shoes, uh, two feet. Yeah.

No, Homer. You've already done more for me than any man. Your brutal attack forced me to fend for myself. I realize now that being waited on hand and foot is okay for your average joe. But it's not for me. I want to thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Mom never drives drunk.

Welcome to my etiquette class: The Proper Young Man. But the black man said-- Are you accusing my husband of misleading you? Good gracious! I should bust a cap in your ass! Mmm, I'll pick, uh, Carl.

I just got promoted, and it's all thanks to "Yes, I cannabis."

Moe... Moe, Moe... Moe.... Moe, Moe... Hey, Homer. Hey, Homer. Hey, Homer. Hey, Homer. Hey, Homer. Hey, Homer. Hey, Homer. Hey, Homer. Hey, Homer. Aaaaahh!

Hmm. One of these must activate the flamethrower. Uh-oh.

Ghost? What ghost? B-B-Before the show, you said we were having a special "ghost" tonight. I said we were having a special "guest" tonight. Mr. Tim Conway! What's a Tim Conway? Oh, about a 120 pounds.

Lousy two-legged pants. Homie, it's 4:30 in the morning. Little Rascals isn't on till 6:00. I'm taping it. I wanna get to Mr. Burns's house bright and early to make his breakfast.

Oh, Bart! Daddy's little angel. Ah! Why, you little..! He did that on purpose! How could he?

On the other hand, who's to say what's right these days, what with all our modern ideas... and products? All right. We'll give the stupid elephant to the stupid animal refuge.

Uh-huh. What if you die in a submarine at the bottom of the ocean?