comb.io - Clips

D'oh! Ow! - Ow! - Look out! Oh, no. I'm gonna go off the end of the--

Inside every hardened criminal beats the heart of a 10-year-old boy. And vice versa.

Hi, hi, hi. Bye. Hi.

Hey, Salvatore, guess who's here! Mr. Kookalamanza and-a some real ugly kid.

We're giving you an opportunity to participate in a serious discussion here. Oh, I'm sorry, Kent. Just, when the camera gets on me, I--

Oh, man, am I glad to get out of there! Whoo! Hey, calm down. You're wrinkling your church clothes. Who cares? This is the best part of the week. It's the longest possible time before more church. Church shouldn't be a chore. It should help you in your daily life. It should, but it doesn't. Now, who's going with Daddy to the dump?

Hey, I got a question for you. "Would Jesus microwave a burrito so hot... that he himself could not eat it?" Well, sir, of course he could. But then again-- Wow, as melon scratchers go, that's a honey doodle.

B-i-n-g-o and bingo was his name-o

with A friend to call my own I'll never be alone and you my friend Will see you've got A friend in me Hot cakes...

Surprise! Surprise. Marge, will you marry me? Why? Am I pregnant?

Look. A TV Guide owned by jackie O. Oh, you should see the crossword puzzle. She thought that Mindy lived with Mark. Give her a break! Her husband was killed! Oh, I know. Wasn't that awful? Hi. I'm john. Can I help you with anything?

and The joy of Cooking Steve Allen. I cut my first and only album, Sax on the Beach.

shake, shake, shake shake your booty shake your booty ow, if you Can you can do it very well you're the best in the world

ANNOUNCER: With Eddie Murphy as the Jack of Clubs. You don't understand, Officer. I thought that king was a queen. (CHUCKLING) ANNOUNCER: This summer, the house is full and the deuces are wild! In Cards! Hey, Jack, you got any twos? You can't handle the twos!

Well, since you're all such a big bunch of big ration babies, I'll just be in charge of the rationing. Look here, boy. The secret is to take tiny bites, like so. Mmm! Mmm! Mmm! Stop it! Stop it!

Who needs money when we got feathers? Hmm.

Can't a man walk down the street without being offered a job? We'll have to go to the next-most-senior man at the plant. Here we are. Ten years' experience. His name is-- Marge, I got a new job! It's with Globex Corporation.

I don't understand. If I wanted to see a man eat an orange, I would have taken the orange-eating class. The eating of an orange is a lot like a good marriage. just eat the damn oranges! This is terrible. We're leaving.

Go, Moe! Boo, everyone else. I think we know who wins this round. Titania! Duff Beer is brewed from hops, barley... and sparkling clear mountain what? Goat. Uh, close enough!

Lisa doesn't borrow my car and stay out all night with some hoochie. She's no hoochie! Her name is Zelda, and she understands me. Grampa, I gotta tell ya. She's a stone-cold hoochie. Straight up, Marge.

Almost time for our commercial. Dad, who's watching TV at 3:17 a.m.? Alcoholics, the unemployable, angry loners.

Look at me, Powder Puff. I'm dancin'.

Well, sir, I'll be honest with ya. I need a large African elephant, and I need it today. But I'm afraid this just isn't what I'm looking for. What do you mean? It's an elephant, isn't it? Well, it is and it isn't, if you understand what I mean. He likes peanuts.

D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! And sometimes I got into trouble.

Look at those two inseparable chums, Smithers. That's exactly the teamwork we'd like to showcase at this year's energy convention. Are you sure, sir? Well, no one else seems to share the same spirit of camaraderie.

Look how healthy I am. You see? I'm finally thin enough... to wrap this thing around my arm. Good for you, Dad. Could you get me some syrup? Mmm. Hmm. You see? Before I probably would've driven to the syrup. Kids, hurry up and eat. We have to leave for the dentist five minutes ago.

But Homer is a real hero. I wish I was a hero. Well, wishing won't make it so.

Bart. Bart. Bart, Bart, Bart, Bart. Bart. Bart. I can't think with all this noise. What am I supposed to do? Pick up Bart. Pick up Bart. "Pigabar"? What the hell is "pigabar"?

Uh-oh. My house! Hey, how you doin'?

Hello, Springfield! We're going to play all your old favorites! But first we'd like to dip into our new CD-- "Takin' Care of Business"! Don't worry, sir. We'll get to that one. No talkin'! No new crap! "Takin' Care of Business" now!

just as I thought! It's a Yard King! That is a quality barrow. Well, I gotta run.

Mmm! It's dessert but it's hot dogs, so it's good for you.

They had 30 sons and 30 daughters. What were their names? Dennis, Brianna, Mavis, Brad--

I'll be right back, boys. I've gotta go help that lady. Homer, you help too. I toileth not on ye Sabbath, woman! A pox on thee!

Ugh! What is it? It's a COW'S heart. They're tryin' to make a monkey out of you! Alison, is this supposed to be some kind of joke? I didn't do that. I made a different one. Oh, is that so, young lady? Well, where is this phantom diorama?

Now, kids, instead of candy, I thought I'd serve an array of healthy fresh fruits. Fruit is nature's candy. Whoa!

Oh-- What was I laughing at now? Oh, yes. That crippled Irishman.

Man, you never know which way this crazy ball's gonna go! Yeah, right. You're just trying to trick me, 'cause you don't want me playing with your video game. Here, go ahead. - No. Let me try the cup and ball. - Get your own! Come on! Don't be a cup-and-ball hog! Hey, give it! That's mine!

Have you always resented us, Dad? Oh, I dont resent you, sweetheart. What I was trying to say, and maybe I didnt use the right word... was that marriage is like a coffin... and each kid is another nail, but as coffins go-

I moved here from Canada, and they think I'm slow, eh? I fell off the jungle gym, and when I woke up I was in here. I start fires. Okay. Now, everyone take out your safety pencil and a circle of paper.

(SNORING) Z-Z-Z-Z-Z-Z-Z...

They'll never know the simple joys of a monkey knife fight. Give it to him, boy! Give it to him!

Toby Hunter, Minneapolis Star. No, really, is this a joke? No, Toby! And no more questions about whether this is a joke.

Any thoughts on Miami-Cincinnati? I certainly do, Bret. I hereby declare Miami to be Smooth jimmy's 'Lock of the Week.' Ooh, that's a big lock. I just don't trust that guy.

Ohh! Homer mad! Homer smash! Get revenge on world! Look! It's the Incredible Hulk!

Of course you did. But there's the truth, and the truth! Let me show you.

Morning, Homer. Looking good.

Whoa! Sign's floating away, Chief.

Uh, sure. Sure. Here you go. DÜff, from Sweden. Go!

What'd you do? Screw up like the Beatles and say you were bigger than jesus? All the time. It was the title of our second album.

japan. Except over there they call him "Annual Gift Man," and he lives on the moon.

Shame on you, and shame on you. And shame on your whole ill-mannered town! Hey, that guy's shaming us.

Why, you little..! Krusty, please continue. Okay. My father tried to extinguish the comedy bug but it was no use.

But get a cheap one, and what happens? It goes off, takes out the eyeballs of every kid in the room. What's that gonna cost you? Bill, what did that cost us?

Do whatever it takes-- Sweet talk, insults, slang from the '30s that no one uses anymore. Like "rubes"? Now you're on the trolley.

Get outta my office! Of course, what Matt meant to say, according to his attorneys, is that he couldn't possibly do it alone, and he insisted that we make time to acknowledge the hard work of everyone... who makes The Simpsons possible.

All right, guys, pipe down. I got some more in the garage.

So, Ned, you like dune buggies? Well, not my cup of-- Sure you do. Everyone likes dune buggies.

Now I'm going to take some advice that was given to me by Lenny... and kill you without delay. One thrust and the deed is done.

English - US - Line 21

Live, from the Springfield Civic Auditorium-- it's "The Simpsons 138th Episode Spectacular!" Hello, I'm Troy McClure. You may remember me from such Fox Network specials as...

I'm so drunk I can barely see But it helps me get through another day My stomach is filled with haggis and hurt I've got to go puke in some hay

Joy to the world the teacher's dead we barbecued her head what happened to her body

Welcome to Remedial Science 1-A. My, uh, wife recently passed away. I thought teaching might ease my loneliness. Will this be on the test? No! Oh!

It's breathtaking. Look. There's the Imperial Gardens. The Meiji Shrine. The Hello Kitty factory. Who's up for some exploring? Hey, I'm still checking out japanese TV.

Ow ! Nevermore, nevermore, nevermore, nevermore, nevermore-- Dag-- Doggone it ! Doh ! Doh ! And the Raven, never flitting,

Hi, Little Vicki. That was such a long time ago. I'm just plain Vicki now. All right. I'd like to sign my daughter up for lessons, Vicki. Little Vicki. But you just said-- So what dance style were you interested in? We have ever so many. There's ballroom.

Hmm. Oh, he'll never dance with her. She'll have to settle for some Mexican Milhouse. I demand to know your name. My name is... Lisabella. That's my name with "bella" on the end of it. Ask her. Oh, God. Please ask her to dance. I shall dance... with her. Ooh!

That was close. Very close.

I think Bart and Lisa are feeling a little upset right now. Isn't there something you'd like to say? There sure is. Kids, you tried your best, and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

Even so, sir. We could stand to lay off a few employees. Oh! Very well. Lay off... him, him, him, him-- Hmm. Better keep the egghead. He just might come in handy.

I don't care if I win just as long as you're in my corner again. I always was, honey. Look! Cameron's about to sing the song I wrote for him! He's about to learn the most important lesson in the music business. Don't trust people in the music business.

Yeah ? Oh, yeah ? Yeah. Hey, what's the problem here ? We were fighting over which one of us loves you more. You were ? Aw, well, go ahead. You love him more. No, you do. No, I don't. Yes, you do ! You better get this out of your system right now !

the gentle caress of a summer breeze. The summer wind Came blowing in

I think the real question is who is this and where is Homer Simpson ? Whoa, whoa. Sorry. Principal Skinner, sorry. It's a bad connection, I think. It's for you. I think Bart's in trouble again. Doh ! What's he done now ? Well, I'm afraid this time the victims... are the innocent blades of grass on Groundskeeper Willy's award-winning play field.

Homer? In America, first you get the sugar, then you get the power, then you get the women. Homer! Huh?

All right, here's your last question. What was the cause of the Civil War? Actually, there were numerous causes. Aside from the obvious schism between abolitionists and anti-abolitionists, economic factors, both domestic and international-- Hey, hey! Yeah? - just say slavery. - Slavery it is, sir.

"Pick up a hammer." Mmm. It's not as easy as I thought it was.

That is so sad. Oh, come on, honey. You know how it turns out. After all, you wouldn't be here today if I hadn't become the responsible head of a household.

8:58. First time I've ever been early for work-- except for all those daylight savings days. Lousy farmers. "To start, press any key." Where's the "Any" key? I see "Esk," "Catarol," and "pig Up."

You, sir, are an idiot.

Shut up, Updike!

This movie you rented sucks. No, it doesn't. It's funny. Their clothes are different from my clothes. Look at what they're wearin'.

Hey, Lise, check it out. Diamond vision. Buzz off. Hey, look. Our tour guide got a new job.

Hello, Marge. I'm Lee Majors. Will you come away with me? Uh... sure. I've gotta stop fantasizing about Lee Majors. Ah, one more.

Yeah. I used to open for Krusty in '69. In fact, he fired me, as I recall. Oh, Sting. But this isn't about show business. This is about some kid down a hole or something. We gotta do what we can.

"The Venus Flytrap is a carnivorous plant... which uses bait to lure unsuspecting prey into its digestive tract."

You know, the-- One thing I should-- - Excuse me for one second. - Of course. Well, that was wonderful. A good time was had by all. I'm pooped.

I've gotta stop fantasizing about Lee Majors.

That sounded like an explosion at the old Simpson place. Forget it. That's two blocks away. Looks like there's beer coming out of the chimney. I am proceeding on foot. Call in a code eight. We need pretzels. Repeat-- pretzels.

What you talkin' 'bout, everyone?

I'm a lucky woman. And I'm a wonderful man.

Bring back our children, you Cyprus-splitting jerks! Just for that, we keep your children. Will you raise them Christian? Coptic Christian.

Blah, blah, blah-blah. Blah, blah, blah.

Won't somebody please think of the children?

I think I'm gonna call him Stampy.

they did the mash they did the monster mash

Shut up, shut up, shut up!

Homer, do you have any plans for after graduation ? Me ? I'm gonna drink a lot of beer and stay out all night ! No, I meant career-wise. You know, that nuclear power plant will be opening soon. It's one of the few outfits around that won't require a college education.

at flaming moe's let's all go to flamIng moe's let's all go to flaming moe's

You got anything else with our logo on it? Caps and Frisbees, sir. You gotta eat them too! And some pogs.

Walt Whitman? Damn you, Walt Whitman! I... hate... you, Walt... freakin'... Whitman! Leaves of Grass my ass!

Who needs money when we got feathers? Hmm.

Here you go, Mr. Plow. A beer on the house. Wow, Moe! You didn't even give a beer to those freed Iranian hostages. Ah, they shouldn't have been there in the first place. But Homer is a real hero.

Peking duck! Get your crispy Peking duck! Yeah, duckman! Over here! Mmm! Mmm!

Top of the mornin' to ye on this gray, drizzly afternoon. Kent O'Brockman live on Main Street where today... everyone is a little bit Irish... except, of course, for the gays and the Italians. All right, then. Move along. Nothin' to see here. Show's over, folks. Parades just bring out so many emotions in me--

because her raspy voice reminded me of my old Victrola. Oh, it was a fine machine... with a vulcanized rubber listening tube... which you crammed in your ear. The tube would go in easier with Some sort of lubricant... like linseed oil or Dr. Shumway's--

I tried to kiss him But Homer ran Sure wish I could say That I was his

Good evening, Rex. And Mobilier-- the chandelier for your car. Whoa! All on I Can't Believe They Invented It! Hello, everybody. I'm Troy McClure, star of such films as "P" is For Psycho...

Bart! Homer, what possible reason could you have... against Grampa being in love? If he marries your mother, Marge, we'll be brother and sister! And then our kids, they'll be horrible freaks... with pink skin, no overbites and five fingers on each hand!

No, Mr. Simpson. Don't take your anger out on me. Get back! Get back! M-Mr. Simpson, no!

No. I've already planned our vacation. We're going to the Highway 9 Bird Sanctuary. I understand they've installed a new bird feeder this year. It's shaped like a diner, and it's on this really tall pole.

Darling, there's an emergency at the hospital. Where are my shoes? Oh, I think they're in the den. In the den? May God have mercy on us all. - Well, how are you feeling this evening? - Uh-- Actually, I'm a little chilly. Can I have another straitjacket?

and his instant pizza pie. Ooh, pizza !

This is one substitute you're not gonna screw with! Marge Simpson. Hello, class! Hi, Bart. Over here, sweetie. It's me, Mom. Hi. Hey! Hello!

What's that extra "B" for?

Hey! Will you guys sign my yearbook? Huh?

Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! We're here. Howdy, partner. Four score and seven blocks ago, my-- Aah! Aah!

Dad, those peanuts aren't for you. - They're for the elephant. - Screw him! Put me down! Ganesh commands you!

More tea, Edna? What kind of little boy has a tea set? I think we both know the answer to that. A lucky boy!

Cool. ts the NBC news feed. Mmm. Feed. You get to see what they do during commercial breaks. We'll be right back with a special report... on soccer moms who hate soccer. Clear! Oh, Lord. I'm so fat.

My little girl likes Red Vines! You little... (SCREAMING) Mr. Simpson, please stop! You think I can't kill you? There's a hundred little punks graduating from Syracuse this year that would beg to kiss my ass! Get outta here! (WHIMPERING) He's crazy!

Well, Countess von Zeppelin and I-- What in blaze ! Now, you listen to me, you bargain basement Baudelaire ! I'm not some dizzy starlet who can't string two words together ! I can write this thing myself ! You're fired !

Oops. I said the quiet part loud and the loud part quiet. Oh, dear.

But she's got a new hat. I want it. I want it. I want it.

Lisa! Enough "saxomaphone" already!

It's true. We are aliens, but what are you going to do about it? It's a two-party system. You have to vote for one of us. He's right. This is a two-party system. Well, I believe I'll vote for a third-party candidate. Go ahead. Throw your vote away.

(GROANING) Uh-oh. You killed him. He was my world. ALL: (CHANTING) Blood for cream. Blood for cream. Blood for cream. Blood for cream.

I'm really sorry I hit you, Mr. Burns. Here. Let me put some salt on that eye. No! Please! I can't bear another thrashing. just leave me be. Yes, sir.

That was a phone call. Don't chalk that up to mistrust.

It's not so bad, Homer. They go in through your nose, and they let you keep the piece of brain they cut out. Look. Ooh! Hello. Hello there. Who's that big man there? Who's that? join us, Father.

Yeah. Moe's Tavern. Moe speaking. Is jacques there ? Who ? jacques. Last name Strap. Uh, hold on. Uh, jacques Strap ? Hey, guys, I'm lookin' for a jacques Strap. What ? Aw, wait a minute. Jacques Strap ?

"Truly, yours is a butt that won't quit. "Yesterday morning "I put your picture up in my garage to inspire me while I gapped my spark plugs."

I never want to see you again! You either. Homer. Homer, why didn't you tell me? I was ashamed, Marge. I failed you as a husband and a provider. And at best I was a B-plus dog. I'll understand if you want to sleep on the couch tonight.

But surely you can't put a price on your family's lives. I wouldn't have thought so either, but here we are.

Ohh. I can't believe our government would set up Bart like that.

Seymour. Hmm? You're fired! I'm sorry. Did-- Did you just call me a liar? No. I said you were fired. Oh. That's much worse.

That was the tardy bell. "Truant! Truant! Truant!" they'll all say!

Look behind you, Radioactive Man! The sun is exploding again!

Return to your state of living death at once, sir. Is that you, Apu? Whoa! Time has ravaged your once-youthful looks. Ah, well, Sanjay. That is the end of our freak show.

"Name one of your child's friends." Martin. Martin! I'll curse that name till the day I die! Huh? "Who is your son's hero?" Three-time soap box derby champion, Ronnie Beck. Wow. I'm one question away from being a perfect father.

It's just a little dirty. It's still good. It's still good. It's just a little slimy. It's still good. It's still good.

I'm so hungry I could eat at Arby's. Oh, my gosh! Oh, wow! She really is hungry. She's really hungry.

And that's how Paul Bunyan started the great Chicago fire.

Do you have any jobs for a man who wants to die? Something indoors-y. Close to a bathroom? I'll put you on rig 13 as soon as they burn off the corpses.

Is it supposed to take this long? What's a good time for a mass evacuation of the entire plant? Forty-five seconds. What's our time so far? I don't know, sir. This stopwatch only goes up to 15 minutes. Damnation! What kind of slow coaches do I have working for me?

Now, to the plant! We'll take the Spruce Moose! Hop in! But, sir-- I said hop in.

What? It's not "Magaggie's" birthday? Oh. Hey! Hey! Hey! Stop it! I made a special cake for you to ruin. It's over there. Ooh.

Bart's grades are up a little this term but Lisa's are way down. Oh, we always have one good kid and one lousy kid. Why can't both our kids be good? We have three kids, Homer. Marge, the dog doesn't count as a kid. No. Maggie. Oh, yeah.

These are so easy. It's obviously "Tom Hanks." Who? Otm Shank. He is India's answer to Brian Dennehy. Otm Shank.

or exploiting animals for entertainment. Oh! I wanted to see 'em fire a gorilla out of a cannon. Enjoy the show. For one day, we shall die. Ohh! Stop! Wait! Wait! Attendez!

But you know what? To be loved, you have to be nice to people... every day. But to be hated, you don't have to do squat. You know, perhaps you're right. I got so swept up with the notion of being liked, I completely forgot who I am. I'm a selfish old crank, and that fits me like a Speedo.

People are calling this a meltdown. That's one of those annoying buzz words. We prefer to call it an "unrequested fission surplus."

Whoa! Wow! Man, you never know which way this crazy ball's gonna go! Yeah, right. You're just trying to trick me, 'cause you don't want me playing with your video game. Here, go ahead. - No. Let me try the cup and ball. - Get your own! Come on! Don't be a cup-and-ball hog! Hey, give it! That's mine!

The summer wind Came blowing in from across the sea

What corpse should we unearth, sir? I don't know. I feel like a kid in a candy store.

Look at me, Bart! I'm driving! We're all proud of you, Dad. Move it, pokey. Slow and steady wins the race.

Oh, my God! This man is my exact double! That dog has a puffy tail! Here, Puff! Here, Puff!

- Ha-ha, you lose! 36 and 239. - Hmm. Hey, Otto-man, I dare you to make this go faster. Ooh! Challenge accepted!

I can't believe you're not still popular. What'd you do? Screw up like the Beatles and say you were bigger than jesus? All the time. It was the title of our second album.

All right. Sounds good.

Come on, people. Somebody ordered the London Symphony Orchestra. Possibly while high! Cypress Hill, I'm looking in your direction.

Oh, honey, think pink. Look. A salute to safe sex. Ha-ha-ha.

Well, time to go to work. Dad, I wouldn't go outside if I were you. Don't worry, boys. He's gotta come out of there sometime.

If elected mayor... my first act will be to kill the whole lot of ya and burn your town to cinders. Mike's on. I know it's on.

He left his briefcase. Hey! It's full of shredded newspapers. Well, I guess that's it. People like us can't afford justice. Come on, Homie. Let's go before he fires you too. No! Mr. Burns, I'm not leaving until you say you're sorry for what you did to my wife. You love her too.

Why, you little- Why, you little-

Blow the man down, mateys blow the man down row, row, row your boat in the navy come on and join your fellow man Act now and get a bonus C.D. Hornpipe Fever. Arr!

I have to turn my chair this way now.

This is what a cornfield looks like, honey.

How dare you show my daughter a life of fun and possibility? Hey! Keep your dishwashing hands off the Armani. For your information, our electric dishwasher is on the fritz. Not that you care about the ups and downs of my appliances. Do you? Do you?

Huh. What can I do for you and your new do? You sent me to the chair. Snake? But you're dead. I know you are, but what am I? No. No. No!

And for some reason, my hair and ear form an "M" and a "G."

We need the money, and my life is pretty boring. Last week some jehovah's Witnesses came to the door, and I wouldn't let them leave. They snuck away when I went in the kitchen to get more lemonade.

It's a great big world out there. Been there, done it. I know. We could have a tea party on the ceiling. Shh-- TV. Oh! You people will be the death of me.

You're the worst shill I've ever seen. You're a disgrace to the medicine show business. They didn't start chasing us until you turned on that getaway music.

The Corvair spacecraft has apparently been taken over-- conquered, if you will-- by a master race of giant space ants. It's difficult to tell from this vantage point whether they will consume the captive Earthmen... or merely enslave them. One thing is for certain: There is no stopping them. The ants will soon be here.

Oh! No! Wait a minute. Bronchial tubes clearing. Asthma disappearing. Acne... remains. But asthma disappearing.

Turn it up! Turn it up!

Uh, being a clown sucks. You get kicked by kids, bit by dogs and admired by the elderly. Who am I clowning? I have no business being a clown. I'm leaving the clowning business to all the other clowns in the clowning business.

You'll be on a rocket ride to the moon! And while you're there, would you pick up some of that nice green moon money for me-- Royce McCutcheon. No deal, McCutcheon. That moon money is mine!

Hi, Poochie! You look like you've got something to say. - Do you? - Yes, I certainly do. I have to go now. My planet needs me.

Please. Yung Mee was a hack compared to this guy! You're hired. Let's see. You will invent a humorous toilet lid. You will find true love on Flag Day. Your store is being robbed, Apu. Are you getting all this, Lisa? I don't know.

Put on a pot of coffee, drink it and start making burgers!

Oh, this can't be happening!

Coochy coochy coo!

(LISA PLAYING SAXOPHONE)

I wanted to see your utopia. But now I see it is more of a Fruitopia. I'm sure what Dr. Hawking means is-- Silence. I don't need anyone to talk for me, except this voice box. You have clearly been corrupted by power. For shame!

Eh. His best friend's a talking pie. Sold! Howard, you've done it again. These happy days are yourS and mine these happy days are yours and mine happy days

In Russia, stage is for performers only.

Uh, Amanda Huggenkiss! Hey, I'm looking for Amanda Huggenkiss! Why can't I find Amanda Huggenkiss? Maybe your standards are too high.

The guys who wrote this show don't know squat. Itchy should've tied Scratchy's tongue with a taut-line hitch, not a sheet bend. Oh, Bart. Cartoons don't have to be 100% realistic.

Lucky thing we landed on this bubble wrap. Hey, quit hoggin'. Oh, I'm badly hurt. A smashed hotrod, a wrecked police cruiser, a destroyed house!

Y-E-S. "Decalcify calcium ducts?" Well, give me a "Y." Give me a-- Hey. All I have to type is "Y." Hey, Miss Doesn't Find Me Attractive Sexually Anymore. I just tripled my productivity. Good. Good for you.

Uh-- Hey, look! Someone's attractive cousin!

Happy birthday, Mr. President.

This is my wife, Marge. Hello. And our beautiful baby. My daughter Lisa-- I.Q. 156. Hi. See? And my son Bart. He owns a factory downtown. H-How do you do? Homer, I'm late for my night job at the foundry, so if you don't mind telling me--

Jeremy's... iron. Mm-hmm. Well, that's... very good for a first try. You know what? I have a ball. Perhaps you'd like to bounce it.

Homie, would you clean her off? Can do! Laddie! Come here, boy! Who wants to lick a messy baby? Laddie?

Guys, I'd like you to meet Artie Ziff. Hello, handsome! Hello! Losers.

I failed you as a husband and a provider. And at best I was a B-plus dog. I'll understand if you want to sleep on the couch tonight.

Lindsay Neagle, Advanced Capital Ventures. Oh, what do you produce? Synergy, and books on how to cheat at bridge.

This job sure is easy. Now to press this button.

Let's say hello to my music guy, Scoey. That is some outfit, Scoey. It makes you look like a homosexual. Oh. Maybe you all are homosexuals too. This is horrible.

They're so big...

Uh, how'd you solve the door dilemma? Homer Simpson was the real hero here. He jury-rigged the door close using this. Hey, what is that? It's an inanimate carbon rod!

Today was the unveiling of the new Krusty stamp. Postal patrons were asked to choose between two competing designs-- one of Krusty's heartwarming smile, and one of his fiery death. By a nearly two-tO-One vote, the smiling Krusty was chosen.

Look. He's fitting right now.

Did you girls watch the last episode of MASH? That Mike Farrell really boils my "potata." I miss-a da Klinger already.

Oh! Superintendent Chalmers! What are you doing in that ridiculous duffel, Seymour? And is that burning literature I smell? Uh-- W-W-Well, sir, I, uh-- There'd better be a good explanation for this. There is, sir. Ah! Then I'm happy.

Well, well. Look at the city slicker pulling up in his fancy German car. This car was made in Guatemala. Well, pardon us, Mr. Gucci Loafers. I bought these shoes from a hobo. Well, la-dee-da, Mr. Park Avenue Manicure. I'm sorry. I believe in good grooming.

Look behind you, Radioactive Man! The sun is exploding again! Bart, why are you talking like that? Yeah, and who the hell are you talkin' to? Marge, do you have other men in this house? Radioactive men?

No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. Yes. Er, um, I mean, no. No.

Lisa, her teeth are big and green Lisa, she smells like gasoline Lisa, da-da-da Disa she is my sist-a her birthday, I missed-a. Uh, no. Bart, we've got to get to your real feelings about your sister.

(SIGHS) I really don't care anymore. All useless. The credits really have to go this long?

Ow! Ow! Ow! What the hell is wrong with you? Gee! Sorry! It's a pretty standard stunt, Homer.

And now we 're back.. to Touch the Stove. So, Kevin, I hear you collect amusing postcards. Yeah. It all started when- Touch the stove.

Oh, that's good. That's good, 'cause I want trouble. Then we're agreed. There'll be trouble. Oh, yeah! Lots of trouble. - Trouble it is! - For you. D'oh!

Dad, it says "Non-Toxic." Well, that's a plus.

It hurts! It hurts! Owee! Owee! Owee! Ow! Mm-hmm. Young man, this stress fracture... will require you to be in a cast for six weeks.

Uh, Mr. President, sir, people are becoming a bit confused... by the way you and your opponent are, well, constantly holding hands. We are merely exchanging long protein strings. If you can think of a simpler way, I'd like to hear it.

Hello, son. Where have you been? Playing with Milhouse. No, you haven't! You've been out gallivanting around... with that floozy of a bigger brother of yours! Haven't you? Haven't you? Look at me! Dad, it just kind of happened. You're taking this too hard.

Because he is the fat, selfish epitome of modern man! Hey, he stole my bit! - Now we shall probe you to see if you are worthy. - Yeah, word for word!

Bill Schultz and Wolf and Silverman. Goldreyer. O'Brien, Doyle, Selman, I don't know what you-- Elliott, I-- I don't know what you're doing here because you're all cut. Pietila, Bridge and "Kuwawahawa."

All right. Time to throw in the Butterfingers. Hmm. It's not even singed. Even the fire doesn't want them.

Sugar ? Yes. Ten, please. Hey, Grampa, top me off. Are you sure your mom lets you kids drink coffee ? For the last time, yes ! Come on ! Give up ! Huh ? Doh !

Get up, "Liser."

Hello, my name is Mr. Burns. I believe you have a letter for me. Okay, Mr. Burns. Uh, what's your first name ? I don't know.

Oh, no. It's Dad. What's going on? And I want a nongay explanation! Uh, we're drunk. Really drunk. Oh, thank God!

Hey, it was all a coincidence. Yup! There's your answer, fish bulb. Well, it was a good ride while it lasted. Come on, kids. Let's go home. We are home. That was fast.

Now, here's one of our favorite Duff beer commercials... from the early 1950s. Only Duff fills your "Q" zone... with pure beer goodness. So drink up... and up... and up!

Two hundred and thirty nine pounds ! Oh, I'm a blimp. Why are all the good things so tasty ? From now on, exercise every morning.

Will the Simpsons be attending our little retreat ? Oh, well, it's very tempting. Really, a wonderful idea. Marge ! Whoa ! What are you doing ? Are you insane ? No ! Give me the pencil ! We'll be there. Doh !

Why, you little--

I'm happy to announce... that another union has joined us in a sympathy strike. The Piano Tuners Local 412! Piano tuners?

She's no hoochie! Her name is Zelda, and she understands me. Grampa, I gotta tell ya. She's a stone-cold hoochie. Straight up, Marge.

Ruff! Rough? I don't know. You've been pitchin' that all night. Chewy? Chewy! That's inspired!

You! Homer, thank God. You gotta help me here.

Miss North Carolina. Miss Indiana. Miss Alaska. Kids, I won't be home tonight, so I'm leaving you some low-cal microwavable TV dinners.

Uh, you got any of those Where's Waldo? books? No. Anything from the vampire's point of view? No.

Barney, how did you join the group? They found me on the men's room floor.

Well, Seymour, it seems we put together... a baseball team, and I was wondering-- Who's on first? Yes. Not the pronoun, but rather a player... with the unlikely name of Who is on first. Yes. Well, that's just great, Seymour.

- Yo! Doctor "S." Have you seen Milhouse today? - No. - Okay. Thanks. - Wait. Did you know that there's a direct correlation... between the decline of Spirograph and the rise in gang activity? - Think about it. - I will. No, you won't.

I, too, owe many thanks to Lester and Eliza. This is a great vindication for anybody who was ever taking a bath, went to get the paper, fell down and had the door slam behind them and the doorknob break off. And I'd like to thank Lester for reuniting me with my estranged wife.

Uh, purpose of visit? Oh, you're gonna love it in Cuba, Marge. There's shredded pork everywhere! It's carne de burro. Nice to meet you.

Lisa made me with a witch's spell! It's called Wicca, and it's empowering! Wicca's a Hollywood fad! That's Kabbalah, jerk! (GRUNTING) Stupid kids ruin everything!

All right. I can't waste any more time. People's lives are depending on me. Mr. Sulu, make a left! Aye, aye, Captain. Setting course for Rigel Seven. I mean home.

I am talking to the collection-money thief! Only you can come forward and end this injustice! Oh, what the heck. It was jessica Lovejoy! If you search her room, I am certain you will find the money!

Wait. I'm confused about the movie. So the cops knew that Internal Affairs was setting them up? What are you talking about? There's nothing like that in there. You see, when I get bored I make up my own movie. I have a very short attention span.

Behold the future of comedy. Poochie! - They fight and bite - and bark - they fight and fight and bite - and bark fight, fight, fight woof, woof, woof the itchy and scratchy and poochie show

Can I play the piano anymore Of course you can Well, I couldn't before Dr. Zaius, Dr. Zaius This play has everything. Oh, I love legitimate theater.

This Civil War cannon has been fully restored... and is in ready-to-fire condition. But it's a good thing we're not firing it, because it happens to be aimed at the main support leg of that lookout tower. People don't realize that these cannons are very sensitive,

Some guys like a challenge, not me.

There haven't been any ominous signs. (GROWLING) Follow me. (SCREAMS) It's just not working out, Barry. Yeah, I guess I better study for the police exam again. Good luck. You, too.

I taught Paul McCartney to go "Whoo!" "Purple Rain!" Shut up!

Give us the money! Elmo knows where you live.

I can't believe we paid to see a band... with Steve Guttenberg, Calista Flockhart, and Farty the Crippled Robot. Look who's in my fart-- O.J. I'm gonna kill you all. Aaah. Aaah. Aaah.

Oh, my God! Damn you, snow!

I know. I'm in the zipper club myself. - Ahh! - You seem okay. Yeah? Well, I got news for ya. This ain't makeup. They say the greatest tragedy is when a father outlives his son.

Dr. Zaius, Dr. Zaius Dr. Zaius, Dr. Zaius Dr. Zaius, Dr. Zaius oh, Dr. Zaius Dr. Zaius, Dr. Zaius

That horoscope was baloney. Nothing happened except for... the pickax in my head, the rattlesnake bite and the testicle thing.

So this is my life. At least I've done better than Dad.

in a variety of sexually explicit positions. What? Oh. Hey! It's not really me. I used a stunt butt. Krusty, we're from the network. We have some bad news. I'm afraid your show's been canceled. I thought this would happen. I just hope you replace me with something as educational... and uplifting as I tried to be.

Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! We're here. Howdy, partner. Four score and seven blocks ago, my-- Aah! Aah!

I've been waiting for you. Come in, my captivating one.

Yeah, you. Uh, yeah. Uh, I was wonderin', do you, uh-- What's your policy on, uh, lunch?

(LASER SHOTS FIRED) (GIRLS SCREAMING) What should we click on next? JIMBO: "Boxer shot by wife"? "Beauty pageant diarrhea"? KEARNEY: Here's a new one. "Big-ass Baryshnikov." (CLICKING) (GRUNTING)

(SUCKLING) That's it, kids. Suckle daddy's sugar ball.

If you want to make fun of my legendary love of cashews-- you have at it. Uh-huh. All right. Uh, how many times a day do you go to the can? Oh, about 40, I suppose. When are we going on the air? We're on the air now, Skeletor. What? Question two: How long is your wiener? Seriously. Great heavens! What kind of Radiola show is this?

You don't want to sit with the rest of the scum. - I only consider you scum compared to Krusty. - Well, right. I can see that. I'll have the cannoli. You see how you scum.

Tomorrow night at 8:00, you go down to the waterfront, and you steal my car. What about the cops? That's the beauty part. Every cop in town's gonna be on the police department's Moonlight Charity Cruise, and I'm gonna be right there with 'em.

I moved here from Canada, and they think I'm slow, eh?

Hey, Homie, did you try the punch ? Snap out of it, Marge. You've gotta come with me. The boss is going to make a toast. Well, I'm not much of a drinker. Why, you picked a perfect time to start.

Ooh! It must be Chinese New Year! Ah, people buy 'em when they're small and cute, then they flush 'em down the toilet.

From this day forward, I vow to live life to its fullest. Strike ! That's three in a row. Let's see that one again. The throw. There it is. Here it comes. Note the excellent wrist-- just about to go in the gutter, and then a nice spin.

You knocked his block off! Come with me.

Oh, those Golden Grahams Oh, those Golden Grahams Crispy, crunchy graham cereal Brand-new breakfast treat

The last angry clown, the man who spews truth from every orifice, ladies and gentlemen, Krusty. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I'm watchin' TV today-- Whoo! TV, yeah!

The Internet wasn't created for mockery. It was supposed to help researchers at different universities share data sets. It was. (DOOR BELL RINGING) Hello. I'm Deion Overstreet. The running back for the San Antonio Cow Skulls? Five-time rushing leader, two-time MVP, and star of a Disney Channel movie.

- f Woman Screams] - m f Organ f

but I don't like the word "boss." Look at my feet. Okay. You like those moccasins? Look in your closet. There's a pair for you. Don't like 'em? Then neither do I! Get the hell outta here! Ha! - Ever seen a guy say good-bye to a shoe? - Yes, once.

Well, it's Bart Simpson. Come on in. You're just in time for Sponge-bath the Old Folks Day. Help yourself, but stay above the equator.

It's drinking the water!

"Follow... the--"

We're all gonna die!

Tonight, When Dinosaurs Get Drunk-- Hmm. Oh. Oh, I've been there, man. ...has been canceled. What? Instead we bring you The Boring World of Niels Bohr.

To alcohol, the cause of and solution to... all of life's problems.

You leave Mr. Burns out of this! Smithers! Smi-thers!

"Good night, room. Good night, moon. Good night, cow jumping over the moon." Please, children, scooch closer. Don't make me tell you again about the scooching. You in the red, chop-chop. Hmm.

Help! Kitenge! Now, Simpsons! Run for it. Huh? Good old Kitenge.

How can you vote for Burns's movie? Let's just say it moved me... to a bigger house! Oops. I said the quiet part loud and the loud part quiet. Oh, dear.

Somebody hired me for an emergency bachelor party.

Isn't mid-season just a dumping ground for second-rate shows... that weren't good enough for the fall schedule? You're thinking of all the other years. This year's shows are classics. There's The Laughter Family. That's animated. Networks like animation 'cause they don't have to pay the actors squat! Plus they can replace them, and no one can tell the diddly-ifference.

If I could walk with the animals Talk with the animals Grunt and squeak and squawk with the animals Good Lord! Doctor Doolittle is Chief Wiggum. This bird's gonna fly! Aaah!

Here's a check for $106,000, "to enjoy as you see fit." - Oh, I'm touched. - $106,000 ? Ta-ta, Mr. Simpson. By the way, old-timer. I do wills. Why don't I just give you this pen with my phone number on it ? It looks just like a cigar. Isn't that something ?

And now our feature presentation. If that's a phrase you like to hear, then you'll love Movie Call! Start the movie! Start the movie! Start the movie! Start the movie!

Congratulations! David Crosby, you're my hero! Oh, you like my music? You're a musician?

We need someone so irritating... that Ned simply will not be able to repress his rage. Homer, can you be that annoying? I-- What? Get in the booth.

Let's dig. That's right. Dig some more. Oh, we make quite a duo. Burns and Associate. No, no! What am I thinking? Burns and Teammate.

(ALL GASP) Oh, I should've gone with the button fly. (SOBBING) (LAUGHING) (AUDIENCE LAUGHING ON TV) (GROANS)

You are going to crash and burn, my fatheaded friend. See? We're still friends. Come on. Give us a cuddle.

It's the Krusty Komedy Klassic. Hey, hey! It's great to be back at the Apollo Theater and-- "K.K.K."? That's not good. Oh! Ah! Oh! What? Hey! Oh!

Surely there's no harm... in laying in the middle of a public street.

Well, then, what can we do to make you happy ? I wanna go back to my old class. Oh, but, Bart, don't you remember the boredom, the ennui, the intellectual malaise ? Yeah, well, you know, kinda, um, but I was thinking I could go undercover. Undercover ? Bart, I'm intrigued. Go on.

It's a glandular problem! Ooh! Morlocks. C.H.U.D.'s. Mole people! There is no escape from the fortress of the moles! Oh, except that.

Get up, "Liser." President Kennedy! That's right, "Liser." Academics are important. But you must also train your body with vigor. That's why I created the President's Council on Physical Fitness. Er, ah, yes.

Could I turn on the radio?

Raindrops keep fallin' on my head but that doesn't mean my eyes Will soon be turning Red

All right, here's the deal. Every time you watch my show, - I will send you $40! - Checks will not be honored.

Hey, get away from that! Leave him alone! It said I was gay! You all right, Grampa? Oh, daiSy, dais--

The doctor said I wouldn't have so many nosebleeds... if I kept my finger out of there.

Whee, I'm Dick Tracy! Bam! Take that, Prune Face! Now I'm Prune Face! Take that, Dick Tracy! Now I'm Prune Tracy! Take that, Dick-- Ned, stop it at once! Stop it!

Hey, kids. It's-- Hey. Why is it destroying other toys? They must have programmed it to eliminate the competition. You mean like Microsoft? Exactly. Come on, Bart. We've gotta warn everyone.

"Dear Homer, I.O.U. one emergency doughnut. Signed, Homer." Bastard! He's always one step ahead.

To choose from a list of felonies, press two. If you are being murdered or are calling from a rotary phone, please stay on the line. You have selected regicide. If you know the name of the king or queen being murdered, press one.

Oh, no, you don't. Oh, yes, I do. Oh, yeah? Eat my dust! - Wow. Someone sure likes his kidney mush. - Damn right.

I'll keep it short and sweet. Family, religion, friendship. These are the three demons you must slay if you wish to succeed in business. When opportunity knocks, you don't want to be driving to the maternity hospital... or sitting in some phony-baloney church. Or synagogue. Questions?

I want a colossal doughnut, just like the one on the sign. D'oh! Nuts! That's false advertising! Sorry, sir. No refunds. I paid for a colossal doughnut, and I'm gonna get a colossal doughnut. You don't scare us.

Guys, I'd like you to meet Artie Ziff. Hello, handsome! Hello! Losers.

It's made you weak as a kitten. Look! Hey, come on. Quit it. Coochy coochy coo! Stop. Please stop. Oh, you swing like a girl. Come on, now. Please have mercy. Got your nose. Not funny. How 'bout this little bee?

This is a thousand monkeys working at a thousand typewriters. Soon, they'll have written the greatest novel known to man. Let's see. "It was the best of times, it was the 'blurst' of times"? You stupid monkey! Oh, shut up.

we're both utterly humorless about our vegetarianism, and we both love the Rolling Stones. Yes, not For their music, but for their tireless efforts to preserve historic buildings.

I don't wanna go. So if he asks me to go, I'll just say yes. Wait! Are you sure that's how this sort of thing works? Shut up, brain, or I'll stab you with a Q-tip.

Ma'am, would you be interested in changing your long distance service, if-- What th-- She hung up on me. What did I do?

Hey, thanks, everybody. You know, I'm here today as Luke Skywalker, but I'm also here to talk about Sprint. As you can see, you stand to save up to 17 cents a month over the more dependable providers.

No. I-- I-- I mean just the Flanders family. Oh, okay. Oh, boy! Grandma!

Destroy him. Blah, blah, blah. Look at me-- Ow!

Lisa, if you don't like your Job, you don't strike. You just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That's the American way.

Come on, Mom. Yeah, Mom. Hurry up. All right. Mmm. How about "he" ?

Don't. No. Get out. Get out of here. Get your hands off.

Make way for Willie! I said make way for Willie, ya bloated gasbag!

But I'll pass your file along to-- Brown. Mmm. Heck of a school. Weren't you at Brown, Otto? Yep. Almost got tenure too. No! Not Brown! Brown. Brown. Brown. Lisa, you're saying "Brown" an awful lot. Are you okay?

Always too busy stridin' about his atom mill to call his own mother. I'll give him what for till he cries brassafrax!

FEMALE SINGER: So deep in my heart You're really a part of me

I have no son! Great, we came all this way, and it's the wrong guy. I didn't mean that literally!

Testing. Testing! Testing! Testing. Testing. Testing. Testing.

Okay, Homer, stay calm. just quietly get this stuff inside your house.

Springfield Stadium has caught additional seating capacity fever. Whoo-hoo. Go, S.U.! A&M is gonna kick your ivy-covered butts. Yeah? Well, you went to a cow college. Oh, you're only calling us a cow college 'cause we were founded by a cow.

What could they possibly owe you? I mean, if anything, you owe them.

Oooh! Ahhh... Hey, Homer.

Here's your quote. "Thomas Pynchon loved this book "almost as much as he loves cameras." Hey, over here! Have your picture taken with a reclusive author. Today only, we'll throw in a free autograph. But wait! There's more! Hello, this is Tom Clancy.

And when it's time to do the dishes, where's Ray Bolger? I'll tell ya. Ray Bolger is lookin' out for Ray Bolger!

And, finally, Moe's Tavern has contributed a coupon... as their way of saying "Welcome to Springfield." Thank you. This is all so nice. I actually had some doubts about moving to Springfield, especially after that Time cover story, "America's Worst City." You could see our house in that photo. Oh.

Glove slap, baby A glove slap, baby Glove slap Baby, glove slap Glove slap i don't take crap Glove slap shut your big yap

Quoth the Raven: Nevermore.

Oh, glory of glories! Oh, heavenly testament to the eternal majesty of God's creation! Holy macaroni!

Two plus two is four. Two plus two is four.

And the number one reference that I am running into the ground is... Homer simpson. Ay, ay, es Homer Simpson. Me ha molestado. ¡Oh!

I've sold monorails to Brockway, Ogdenville and North Haverbrook. Is there a chance the track could bend? I call the big one Bitey. I've sold monorails to Brockway, Ogdenville and North Haverbrook. Is there a chance the track could bend? I call the big one Bitey.

Prove me wrong, kids. Prove me wrong.

One man, he resist Hello, Springfield! It's me-- Homer! What the bloody hell? Quiet, you. I know you youngsters want to see these rockin' rockers, but I also know you care about the race for sanitation commissioner.

But you can't do this! I saved the children's lives! I'm a hero! Tell them they'll live to regret this. You'll live to regret this! Oh, thanks a lot. Now I look crazy.

Whoa-ho! Texas snowball fight! Ow! Bart, that has nuts in it. Hey, I thought your mother told you to take a bath.

Good-bye, Lisa. I know you'll make me proud. Good-bye, Bart. I like your sheets.

Don't thank me. Thank our many debts and obligations. (SCREAMS) (GAGGING) Honey! Stop kidding around! Honey? (SCREAMS) Brenda, I'm afraid your husband had no insurance.

You need job? I have job for you. You take these. You hang Thai menu on door. I get more business. Send daughters to small liberal arts college-- Swarthmore, maybe Sarah Lawrence. Call professors by first name. Hah! Dynamite!

Bart, did you take out the garbage like I asked? Indeed I did. D'oh! Hey, you goats get out of here!

Frankly, I'll be quite relieved when we get back to England, and we won't have to deal with them. Are you saying we won't see my family again? Well, possibly your mother will come when the children are born. I can't believe I'm hearing this! - I don't want to cut my family out of my life! - Really?

Ah! Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah! You idiot! You nearly drank a beaker full of sulfuric acid.

Come back ! Your hat ! You're supposed to eat breakfast ! Wear your galoshes ! Cowabunga !

Hmm. Ow! Pointy. Eww! Slimy. Uh-oh! Moving. Aha! Aw. Twenty dollars. I wanted a peanut. Twenty dollars can buy many peanuts. Explain how. Money can be exchanged for goods and services. Whoo-hoo! Whoa!

Mr. Burns, as we're running long, may we skip your speech and go directly to the questions? Mr. Burns, a two-part question.

Big game fever is reaching a fevered pitch... as the fevered rivalry between Springfield U and Springfield A&M spreads like wild fever-- Th-This is writing? I'm sorry, Uncle Kent. I lost my thesaurus.

Oh, I love-- Moral whuzzah? An A-plus! How did you do it? Oh, let's just say I had help from a little magic box. You changed your grade with a computer? D'oh! Way to go, Dad! The important thing is that we all learned a lesson.

Greetings, earthlings. I am Kang. Do not be frightened. We mean you no harm.

- And what's the score? - Dirty love-- I mean, 30-love. I mean, anyone for penis? I'll just get the shuttlecock. Oh!

We take 18 ounces of sizzling ground beef and soak it in rich creamery butter. Then we top it off with bacon, ham, and a fried egg. We call it the Good Morning Burger. I've got to help him.

Hey, I got off pretty easy. Neddy, uh, wait. Where you goin'? AlOha, oi

Well, good night, Son. Um, Dad? Yeah? What is the mind? Is it just a system of impulses,

Missed one, Dad. See you in hell, dinner plate. Does anyone know where all my dinner plates went? Um-- You probably left 'em at work.

Oh, Lisa, you saved me! And after all the bad things I said about you. What bad things? Why?

Homer, what gives with this review? You say "the salad tastes like bark"... and the potatoes were very "Grrrrr!" This reads like it was written by a dog. Are you crazy? A dog can't type. Unfortunately.

A diner? It's perfect! We can hide out here until the heat's off. You took the signs out of the window? That's pretty presumptuous. How do you know I'm gonna hire you? Sorry. I just want to be a broom boy so bad.

By gum, it worked. I've awakened in the future. "Moon Pie." What a time to be alive. Hey, who unplugged my freezer? Return to your state of living death at once, sir.

Hi, I'm Troy McClure. You may remember me from such TV spin-offs as Son of Sanford and Son and After Mannix. I'm here at the Museum of TV and Television... with a real treat for Simpsons fans, if any, because tonight we present The Simpsons Spin-Off Showcase.

So, any idea where this bastard lives ? Bart ! His parents aren't married, are they ? It's the correct word, isn't it ? - I guess he's got us there. - Hmm ! Bastard, bastard, bastard Bart ! Bart ! Bart ! Bastard, bastard, bastard "2148." This is it.

Krusty the Clown, how do you plead ? I plead guilty, Your Honor. Oh. I mean, not guilty. Opening night jitters, Your Honor.

Ahh, ballet. Hee-hee-hee. All right. Whoo-hoo! Yea! Yeah!

The parrots can, but--

Hmm. Pablo Neruda said laughter is the language of the soul. I am familiar with the works of Pablo Neruda.

This meatball soup is delicious, Stimpy. That's not meatball soup. That's my collection of fur balls in stomach acid. You idiot! You're trying to kill me, man!

In desperation, the city is considering more unorthodox solutions. Grasping the child firmly in his talons, Socrates here will fly him to safety. just watch. I don't think he's coming back.

Come on, Barney. If you're gonna be General Grant, you have to have a drink.

Oh, I wish, I wish I hadn't killed that fish.

Good Lord! Gigantism!

Here's our room. Homer, you're supposed to slide those doors open. I don't have time for that. Welcome. I am honored to accept your waste.

I learned to read because of you, Principal Skinner. Sir, I baked you these raisin roundies. Principal Skinner, I got carsick in your office.

Huh? We're shutting you down. Not a chance. No one can silence me but me! That arranged can be. Wha--

This tank is releasing the full potential of my brain. Ooh, ee, ooh, ah-ah Ting, Tang, walla-walla bing-baNg ooh, ee, ooh, ah-ah walla, bing-bang ting-ting too

And the number one reference that I am running into the ground is... Homer simpson. Ay, ay, es Homer Simpson. Me ha molestado. ¡Oh!

Homer, we're out of vodka.

You told me about that candy bar you found three times.

Oh, thank you, Homie. A Lady Remington.

What’s this? "Extremely high voltage." Well, I dont need safety gloves because I'm Homer Simp-

I think I come off very well. Monster! Run, children! Apu Nahasapeemapetilon, you have disgraced the Kwik-E-Mart corporation. But, sir, I was only following standard procedure. Ah, true. But it's also standard procedure... to blame any problems on a scapegoat or sacrificial lamb.

What would my parents think of me now? Make us proud, Son. Never forget who you are. Don't make the same mistake I did.

We did it! We're number one! We're rich!

Oh, my God! The dead have risen, and they're voting Republican!

Oh, crikey! You gave me a smash on the noggin last year. Not in my parlor, you don't. Aah! Me eyes! I'm scalded, I am!

Because you need me, Springfield. Your guilty conscience may force you to vote Democratic. But deep down inside, you secretly long... for a coldhearted Republican to lower taxes, brutalize criminals... and rule you like a king!

Maybe the drawings were a little crude, but all the characters were there. Itchy and Scratchy, Grampa Simpson... and Krusty the Clown. When we return, more classic moments--

Let's take the trophy route to the den. Twelve Newsies. Seven Iron Mikes. Four Golden Coifs. This is the most prestigious award that Del Monte gives.

Good heavens! Th-This is a palace! H-How in the world can you afford... to live in a house like this, Simpson? I don't know. Don't ask me how the economy works. Yeah, but look at the size of this place. I live in a single room above a bowling alley... and below another bowling alley. Wow.

Cowabunga, dudes.

Oh! Dear God, no!

You really should've voted, Homer. It wouldn't have made a difference. Lights out, you punk kids! Yea! We took back the night! Hey, fellas! Hey, you wanna stop with the kicking?

So what you're saying is I'm indestructible. Oh, no, no. In fact, even a slight breeze could-- Indestructible.

You’re Baby Stink Breath! You’re Baby Stink Breath! En francais. Vous étes i 'entant Stink Breath!

Quittin' time. Let's go, Homer. We're stopping at Moe's for a Zima. Maybe I'll just stay and work overtime. My sisters-in-law are at my house again. Homer, quit wallowing in self-pity. Pull yourself together and come get drunk with us.

Oh, oh Oh, oh Ah, just remember Always safety first

Men, there's a little crippled boy... sitting in the hospital who wants you to win this game. I know because I crippled him myself to inspire you. Well, I hope they win, or Mr. Burns said he's coming back.

Yeah, forget the doughnuts. We're here to go nuts. Musically, that is. What kind of song should we play? Something that swings with the beat of New Orleans. No. Something that rocks. That's the sound of today. - Swings! - Rocks! Swings! Swings! - Rocks! - Rocks!

I'm telling you. I didn't do anything. I don't care. Ouch! My glasses!

So say a bittersweet farewell to such old friends as mud pies, Bite 'Ems, Éclairios, Chew 'ems, Kellogg's All-Fudge, Big Red Snack Foam, Milk Chuds, Eat 'Ems. And all sugar pills will be changed back to highly concentrated opiates.

Oh, what's the use in hiding? I gotta go back to Springfield and face the music.

J Gypsies, tramps and thievesJ J We'd hear it from the people JJ Are you aware that your daughter's gay? - Boy, those guys are such leeches. - Moe, what are you doing here? Cant your old buddy Moe stop by with a list of questions from the Weekly World News? Number one, Sara, is it true you shoplifted a kayak?

We'll be with you in a minute, kids. This could be our ticket out of here, Mel.

Just like Cinderella The prince solved the mystery Well, I conducted the test myself And that slip looks just the right size for me Well, I like that girl

Hey, this says we should feed him lots of eggs and olive oil to ensure a glossy coat. Oh, yeah. A dog like this you have to feed every day. He's trained to do all sorts of stuff. He can herd sheep and perform C.P.R. "Some call it the dog that never sleeps, though it actually does while jogging."

watch me hit him right between the eyes. What are you doing ? Show a little respect, you insolent little thugs. We're really scared. Hey ! Hey, you ! Hey ! Hey, you !

Oh, Homer ! Have you ever seen a kung fu movie ? It was just like that. But now I know her moves. So, if you're listening to me, lady, you'd better think long and hard before trying something like this on Homer Simpson again !

"Look at me. I'm a grad student. I'm 30 years old, "and I made $600 last year." Bart, don't make fun of grad students. They just made a terrible life choice.

Greetings, good man. Might I trouble you for a drink? Oh, get outta here, Homer. Homer? Who is Homer? My name is Guy incognito.

You hit her pretty hard there, Rick.

(GRUNTING) Three, two, one, and you're canceled! Strike the set. You have five minutes to get off the lot. Oh...

Laddie! Come here, boy! Who wants to lick a messy baby? Laddie?

My homework is in your park. Let's do it! Yoink! What does freedom mean to me?

I'm on the highway to hell on the highway to hell highway to hell I'm on the highway to hell

Dear God, it's Homer. If you really love me, you'll save my life now. D'oh!

(SPEAKING IN MANDARIN) Wait a second. I've read that you speak excellent English. Shut up, kid. I got a good thing going here.

How are you feelin', big brother?

You can't stop me ! The hell I can't !

"B," "C," "D," "A," "B..."

It's not your fault, Homer. I guess there's just no room... in today's crazy, gentle America for violent dinosaurs like us.

Abracadabra. - The crystal says your baby shall be a girl! - Shut up!

(ALSO SPRACH ZARATHUSTRA PLAYING) (BOTH LAUGHING)

Attention, Springfield. We have barricaded ourselves in the school... and are not coming down until our demands are met. Willie hears ya. Willie don't care. Obviously, you two have no experience causing a scene.

We've come for the angel, Homer. It's not safe with the unbeliever. It's gone! We're too late. Little girl, what have you done with our precious angel? Nothing! Someone must have stolen it.

Usually the blood gets off at the second floor.

Ah, please come in! Maggie smells bad, and the cat wants something, but I don't know what.

Yeah, I was gettin' sick of running those unions. So much paperwork. Knock-knock. Excuse me. My friend and I were interested in purchasing quality fireworks. Yes, we are. Why, I'd be delighted to sell you some illegally smuggled goods. Fat Tony, is that you? Fat Tony?

Get your own angel, you moocher!

I could do this all day. And I just might.

This time, why don't you listen to your brain? All right, I will. (UKULELE MUSIC PLAYING) That's why I don't listen to my brain.

Well, I don't wanna wait another minute to find out whether you love me anymore. I think that you should... - look me in the eyes and find out. - Oh ! Homer, look at me ! All right, all right.

Yeah, I wanna dedicate this fight to my manager Vinnie... who got me here and then... passed away just two weeks ago.

Coming soon, it's Truckasaurus: The Movie, starring Marlon Brando as the voice of john Truckasaurus. You crazy car. I don't know whether... to eat you or kiss you. Celebrity voice impersonated.

And who could forget dear Rat Boy? Rat Boy? I resent that. Bart, I told you before. Stop gnawing on the drywall. What a day, eh, Milhouse?

Hey, the burglar left his calling card. "You have just been robbed by the Springfield Cat Burglar." Cute.

Dream Dream, dream, dream Dream Oh, Jar Jar, everyone hates you but me. In my arms When I want you--

Cobras! English - US - Line 21

Born mighty big he continued to expand Thanks to a hopped-up pituitary gland Hey! I'll get ya!

Wow! Very impressive. You're a natural, Mr. Simpson. Really? Uh-huh. All you need is your own set of clubs. And stay the hell out of my locker! You can keep the shoes.

Don't you have school? Don't you have work? Ah, touchÉ!

Maggie's teeth are coming in crooked. Has she been sucking on a pacifier? - Uh... not to my knowledge. - Liar!

And now, to present the award here's former heavyweight champion Smokin' joe Frazier. Webster's Dictionary defines excellence as "the quality or condition of being excellent."

Lisa, wait! Being myself didn't work. Being someone else didn't work. Maybe I just wasn't meant to have friends. Lisa is gonna freak when she sees this.

"On this battleground in 1881, 56 Indians lost their lives... and four brave Americans lost their hats." Those poor hats.

This is the way we mop the floor, mop the floor mop the floor Oh, must you bray night and day at that infernal television? Oh, look who's talking.

HAWKING: Badda-bing, badda-boom. And we're done.

That's the way, uh-huh, uh-huh I like it, uh-huh, uh-huh Time traveler discount? Come on in! i like it, uh-huh, uh-huh

Oh, my hero! At your service, milady. Cara mia.

(MUTTERING NERVOUSLY) (DONKEY BRAYING) What did you say about my mother! (YELLING) You'll fry up nice tonight!

Hey, these are Red Vines! There you go, sweetie. Daddy got you your candy. Homie, I'm worried you're turning into some kind of super cuckoo stage mother. Yeah. For once, couldn't you just turn into a good father? Would that be so hard? Hey, give me a break.

You got all your equipment, Dad? Let's see. Sweatbands, check. Anti-chafing nipple tape, check, check, and check. Attention, runners. On your mark, get set, now get outta here before I change my mind.

No apology! Not until he admits he's a jerk!

Acid, eh? Gee. That would have been stupid. Boy, would my face have been red.

Those were the dAys and you knew where you were then Watching shows like gentle Ben Mister, we could use A man like sheriff lobo again diSco duck and fleetwood Mac

Why do birds suddenly appear Every time You are near Just like me - They long to be Ohh.

That's it! You people have stood in my way long enough!

As for the rest of it, I'm gonna buy the one thing I've been dreaming of... all the years I spent in the gutter: a solid gold house.

Happy birthday to me happy birthday to me happy birthday, overlooked middle child happy birthday to me

Okay. I want pizza, and I want it delivered by Krusty the Clown. Hmm. Hmm. Hey, it's Krusty the Pizza Man! All right. Where's my 400 bucks? Hey, wait. How can you be here when your show's on live?

Ah, yes-- my lowest ebb. You can't take my Emmy. You know the rules: awards for entertainment are contraband. No Emmys, no Oscars, not even a Golden Globe. But kismet be kind, well as cruel.

All right. You listen up, you little freaks! The fun stops here. You're gonna shut your stinkin' traps and behave, damn it! This is one substitute you're not gonna screw with! Marge Simpson. Hello, class!

I'm sorry, Dad. It's all right. I understand. But we really could have used that $12,000. Um, Dad, 10% of $120 million isn't 12,000. It's-- Code blue. Code blue.

Nothing yet. Now, make no mistake. When I say "first aid," I'm not talking about some sort of charity rock concert.

I'll take him out, sir. Shake, shake, shake shake, shake, shake Shake, shake, shake His ass is gonna blow!

Ha-ha! Ha-ha! I'm afraid we've got no legal recourse against Mr. Burns and his slant-drilling operation. The oil belongs to whoever pumped it first. What about all the expensive stuff we wanted? Can we still have it? No!

I've learned that in two weeks the Springfield Museum of Natural History... will be closing forever due to a lack of interest. I urge you to see it while you can.

Cleanup in all the aisles.

Hey, Simpson. I'm feeling a mite peckish. Mind if I chew your ear? Dad, you killed the Zombie Flanders. He was a zombie?

I'm sorry, young man. You're just not ready. Pick up your check at the front office, and for God's sake, put some clothes on ! I guess it's back to good old Springfield. But I can't go back, not after I've seen the bright lights of Capital City.

he's traumatizing the children. As usual, I agree with you. Bart, shut that off and take your seat immediately.

Oh, Lisa. Haven't you seen Home Alone? If some burglars come, it'll be a very humorous and entertaining situation.

We're Cyanide. A loving tribute to Poison. We need a ride home!

Mrs. Krabappel ! Mrs. Krabappel ! Bart, not another word out of you, or I'll subject you to the humiliation... of making you sing in front of the class. Can I pick the song ? No. The song will be "john Henry Was a Steel Drivin' Man."

Mmm. Sixty-four slices of American cheese. Sixty-four. Sixty-three. Two.

You promised Mom you wouldn't wear your dress outside.

Oh, my God. Look at this place. How could this happen? There's candy chewed, wigs pulled from stands, cheese packages poked and repoked.

(ALL GASPING) It was those guys!

That, and getting toasted. Nicely toasted. Homer, I'm sorry. There's nothing worse than a yellow-bellied freak. Unless that's his act. I expect your letter of resignation on my desk. You have a desk? I mean the hood of my car. I'll miss you Pumpkins, but I just can't share your bleak worldview.

Okay, the retest says you're clean. Sorry about the mistake. The only thing I'm high on is love-- love for my son and daughters. Yes, a little L.S.D. is all I need. All right. Sounds very good.

Now there's so many cuts here, look, I'll just post 'em up and you just see where your name is. Ooh, look at how many cuts there are there. Oh, boy! You're cut! All of you! He's cut. I cut you!

Yeah, "groovy."

Lucy! You hit her pretty hard there, Rick. Say, folks, what's all the ruckus?

Here's an impression of Mr. Burns that you might find a little cheeky. I'm Mr. Burns. Blah, blah, blah. Do this, do that. Blah, blah, blah. I think I'm so big. Blah, blah, blah! Destroy him.

funny foam. They took the foam off the market because they found out it was poisonous. But if you ask me, if you're dumb enough to eat it, you deserve to die.

Krusty! "To audience, I now proclaim this new burger... for sale!"

Ah, Love Story. The little picture that could. Was Paramount chomping at the bit to make it? You better believe they weren't. But once that tearjerker hit john Q. Popcorn, it was boffo boo-hoo box office all the way. And the critics loved it too. I remember Vincent Canby said--

'Cause if you don't, I'll never believe anything you say... ever again.

They fight, they bite they fight aNd bite and fight fight, fight, fight bite, bite, bite the itchy and scraTchy show

Of the skies Hark the Herald Angels sing Glory to the new born King

The Simpsons D'oh!

Hello? Is this, uh, G.B.M.?

"I," the income she Will make "T" is For her tooth-filled mouth "T" is For her tooth-filled mouth Coming up next, a new fad that's sweeping the nation-- wasting food.

"Ooh! Look at me. I'm making people happy. "I'm the magical man from Happy Land, in a gumdrop house on Lollipop Lane." Oh, by the way, I was being sarcastic.

Pretty lame, Milhouse.

My groove! Aw, they mushed it all out of shape. All right. Better put on a pot of coffee, Marge. This could take a while. aw, sookie, Sookie now

just-- just go!

Look at the American computer monkey. Dance, monkey. Dance. (ROARING) Basta. Basta. Take my picture with the Internet Mama Luke. (ROARING) - (GIBBERING) - (BEEPING)

Roman numeral three: Surprise boy in bed-- and, uh, disembowel him. No, I don't like that "bowel" in there. Gut him. Ah, le mot juste.

Paint my fence!

But I learned long ago, Lisa, to tolerate others rather than forcing my beliefs on them.

And then take that, and put that in there, and you-- There's your giraffe, little girl. I'm a boy. That's the spirit. Never give up.

I-- I-- A... divorce? Sure. Divorce. Hey, you got it, toots! And here's a picture even you can figure out! It's a door! Use it! That's a door?

Anyhoo, now that I'm your king again--

Attention, everyone! l was asked to take a dive, but I wont do it. l-N-T-R-A-N-S-l-G-A-N-C-EI You fool! ts "E-N-C-EH Oh, my God! You’re right! I spelled it wrong. I tried my best, and I failed.

Man fall down. Funny.

Namath, you stay. All of those people are cut. Bill Schultz and Wolf and Silverman. Goldreyer. O'Brien, Doyle, Selman, I don't know what you-- Elliott, I-- I don't know what you're doing here because you're all cut. Pietila, Bridge and "Kuwawahawa."

Hi, guys. What ya lookin' at? Uh, I'm just reading up on... artillery. Yes, and I'm pursuing my interest in--

doing... the Monkey. I'm disrupting the learning process, and I love it! First prize! First prize! First prize! First prize!

I can't believe it. Jerry Springer didn't solve our conflict. And now he's dead. Anyhoo, this is your last chance. Turn over the baby now.

Well, with the OmniGog system, those worries are a thing of the past. I'm all right, folks, thanks to my OmniGogs. A little late for Lenny.

Well, with all our savings and the money Grampa wired us, we have $1,200. Oh, that's very nice, honey. That'll buy you, uh, one of my legs or something they call a "mystery bag." I'll get back to you. They have $1,200.

Thank you, Cyndi Lauper. just a reminder, folks. We do have a baseball game today. Oh, right.

Next week on The Simpsons: Don't forget, Dad. Tonight my class is having... an all-you-can-eat spaghetti dinner. Mmm. Spaghetti. But, Homer, tonight's our reception... for Queen Beatrix of the Netherlands. Oh, I hate having two heads.

Look at me. I'm a puffy pink cloud! Oh, well, of course everything looks bad if you remember it.

No! No, you’re lying! You’re lying! What makes you lie?

Happy birthday !

Compadres, it is imperative that we crush the freedom fighters... before the start of the rainy season. And remember, a shiny new donkey... for whoever brings me the head of Colonel Montoya.

So you've got to think of a way I can come home for free. Hmm. You could travel for free if you were a stewardess. Well, how badly do you want to get home? All right, all right. How about a courier? They travel for free too. No, that's a terrier. They're dogs.

All we found were these oozing berries. And they look pretty poisonous. I "eated" the purple berries. Ow. How are they, Ralph? Good? They taste like burning.

I have a funny story, if you listen. I even wrote theme music. Listen. Hey. Hey. Professor Frink Professor Frink He'll make you laugh He'll make you think He likes to run and then the thing with the Person Oh, boy. That monkey is going to pay.

Happy, Dad ? Yes. Good. Commence shoveling. No. We're going to say grace first. Okay. Rub-a-dub-dub, thanks for the grub. No ! Ignore the boy, Lord. Now, Can the chatter, and bow your heads.

Gas, brake, honk. Gas, brake, honk. Honk, honk, punch. Gas, gas, gas.

It's called McBain: Let's Get Silly. Did you ever notice how men always leave the toilet seat up? That's the joke. You suck, McBain!

just ask this scientician. Uh-- He'll tell you that in nature one creature invariably eats another to survive. Don't kid yourself, jimmy.

Bartina, until I met you, I was the loneliest warden in the penal system. Fresh. Oh, down I go.

That improvident lackwit! Always too busy stridin' about his atom mill to call his own mother. I'll give him what for till he cries brassafrax!

Whoa, this is so dangerous.

Hot! Hot! D'oh! Oh, my God! It's burning up! Beer! Beer! Give me some beer! Homer! You promised you wouldn't drink. But I need it!

But I can only pay you in popcorn shrimp. Smell ya later! I can't believe "Smell ya later" replaced "Good-bye." Smell ya later! Smell ya later.

You're not just impersonating a pilot so you can drink here, are ya? Yeah. That's exactly why I'm here. You flyboys. You crack me up. But I keep telling ya, I'm not a pilot! And I keep telling you, you flyboys crack me up! Hi, I'm Alan. I'm your copilot.

Hey, boy, wanna toss the old-- Oh ! Why, that little liar ! I should've-- I was gonna play pickle with him.

He used to tune our piano before we got rid of it.

Whoever you are, I have always depended... on the kindness of strangers.

So whammo, you get stuck in some boring job... where they dont let you play guitar or take pictures of naked women. And all you can do is watch yourself get bald and fat... and kiss your dreams good-bye.

Food goes in here.

Hello, I'm Troy McClure. You might remember me from such films as... The boatjacking of Supership 79... and Hydro: The Man With the Hydraulic Arms. Coming up this hour on the Impulse Buying Network, your chance to own a piece of itchy and Scratchy, the Toontown twosome beloved by everyone-- even cynical members of Generation X.

"Are you a terrorist?" No.

Stop everything! I don't remember writing a check for bowling. Sir, that's a check for your boweling. Oh, yes. That's very important. Yes, sir. Remember that month you didn't do it? Yes, that was unpleasant for all concerned. Anyway, back to the checks. Stop everything! I don't remember writing a check for bowling.

Oh, forget it. Turn on the lasers. Aah! My vision. That's it. Show's over. Good night, Springden. There will be no encores.

I just don't see why one little pill should cost $30. Drugs aren't so expensive in other countries. In other countries, families also lie on the floor and eat bugs. What countries are those? - You ever been to Norway? - No. Well, they do it in Norway. And that's why I personally thank God we pay too much for drugs.

Well, it's 1:00. If you wanna keep me, I'm afraid it's gonna be $45 an hour. Nah, that's okay. I'm broke. I'll walk home. Yeah, why spoil a perfect evening ?

but now it's over. I guess I'll just give up my hopes and dreams... and settle for being a decent husband and father. Homer! Dad! Huh? What happened? You didn't fall. Oh, that.

Oh! I don't see any ghosts. I did find this Newsweek from 1986. Why America loves Saddam Hussein. (EERIE WHISTLING) That's it!

Mmmwha ! A little predinner entertainment. Moe's Tavern. Is Oliver there ? Who ? Oliver Klozoff. Hold on. I'll check. Oliver Klozoff ! Call for Oliver Klozoff !

The man never drank a Duff in his life.

(BEEPS) Whoo-hoo! Free gas!

- Homer, stop picking at it. - Oh! But I'm so sweet and tasty. Well, time to go to work. Dad, I wouldn't go outside if I were you. Don't worry, boys. He's gotta come out of there sometime.

Wow! What an icebreaker.

That guy's hilarious.

Join the navy Join the navy Join the navy It's N'Sync!

Ugh! Ew! I kissed that sad weird kid! My beer! You never had a chance to become my urine. (SOBBING)

Hey, wait up! Aw, crap. It's that Pip-squeak Rudy. What is it, Rudy? Can I come too? Forget it, kid. You're too small to go to the Super Bowl. But what I lack in size I make up for in... obnoxiousness.

Bart, if you don't want to have a babysitter, maybe you should stop being such a baby. Oh, I'm a baby, huh? Well, then I'll act like a baby. Ga-ga! Goo-goo! Even babies know how to open and close their mouths. You need a bib. Oh, baby hate bib.

Welcome to the Knowledgeum. i'm Troy McClure. You may remember me from such automated information kiosks... as "Welcome to Springfield Airport" and "Where's Nordstrom?" While you're enjoying our Hall of Wonders, your car will, unfortunately, be subject to repeated break-ins-- What'd he say? What about my car?

I don't understand it. That was nonalcoholic champagne. Well, Homer, I guess you're the winner by default. "De fault"! Whoo-hoo! The two sweetest words in the English language. De fault, de fault, de--

Milhouse! Hey, you're not Milhouse. No, I'm just Milhouse when he gets hurt. Ohh! Okay. Let's get the real Milhouse over here, under the X-ray truck. Hi, Bart.

Get out, you lousy... season. All right. I'm going. My head hurts. I have to lie down for a while.

Get those bears out of here. I'm trying to do an interview. No bears ! We're taping ! All bears off the set. Okay. Now let's get back to your, uh, husband.

And those ridiculous bets you make. Gambling is the finest thing a person can do, if he's good at it. But you haven't won anything in months. I'll just make more money. Crank out some cheesy merchandise. But you've already merchandised everything-- Krusty's Monopoly game, the Krusty croWd-control barrier. Nothing is selling anymore, not even your new Lady Krusty line.

Ew! The best thing about a gypsy wedding is I'm not the hairiest woman here. Yep. Everything worked out for the best. What? Bart is dead! Well, me saying I'm sorry won't bring him back. The gypsy said it would. She's not the boss of me.

That arranged can be. Wha-- Aaah! Yes! Fight and struggle. If I know me, he won't like being kicked in the crotch. - Gott in Himmel! - Oh, Marge.

we're fed up with all of you whippersnaps We're trying to get some sleep here it's almost 6:15 What's the matter with Don't you treat us lIkE Can't you just lay off We're sick of all of you Kids today

Oh, that's better. Dad, what's wrong? We better get him home. There you go.

I feel so violated!

So, let's review: You two screwballs have just strolled in here fresh from the sewer... and given me a bunch of bulldink about creating Itchy-- with no proof at all-- and you expect me to give you... how much? $800 billion.

Baby. Pirate? No, no, wait a minute! - Pirates are wild! - We are pregnant!

Seasons don't fear the reaper

All right! Bologna and cheese! What do you got, Bart? A pack of sugar and peanut butter smeared on a playing card. Ha-ha! Your mom's a jailbird. - So's yours. - Oh, yeah. Let's play.

The dream was over. Coming up: Was the dream really over? Yes, it was. Or was it? And Homer finds a new passion:

The way people act around here, you'd think the streets were paved with gold. They are.

Oh, you stole my bit!

I didn't know you knew Luke Perry!

You call hamburgers steamed hams? Yes. It's a regional dialect. Uh-huh. Uh, what region? Uh, upstate New York. Really. Well, I'm from Utica, and I've never heard anyone use the phrase "steamed hams." Oh, not in Utica. No. It's an Albany expression. I see.

Homer, You broke the handle. With that hatch open, we'll burn up on reentry! That's it! If I go, I'm taking you to hell with me.

Marge, I would appreciate it if you didn't tell anybody... about my busy hands, not so much for myself, but I am so respected, it would damage the town to hear it. Good night.

And that was Tom and Huck's last adventure. I liked that story, 'cause I was a judge. Delaware! Well, this is our stop. Would you like to come sightseeing with us? We're gonna visit the place where JCPenney sends their damaged merchandise.

Now let's look at the crew a little. They're a colorful bunch. They've been dubbed the Three Musketeers. And we laugh legitimately. There's a mathematician, a different kind of mathematician and a statistician.

Wow, they're hanging on his every word. - Are you thinking what I'm thinking? - I hope so. I thought I made myself clear in Boston.

Your son is a ravenous demon, relentlessly gnawing at all that's good and true. Yeah, he's something else, all right. But worst of all, he drags down the grades of anyone who sits near him. just look at this pattern. Hey, that looks like Bart. And turning to the 3-D map, we see an unmistakable cone of ignorance.

Oh, yeah. So good. Oh, that explains his mysterious trip to Holland.

This shouldn't be too hard to fix-- with the right tools.

Marge, me, and do you think you could dig up Al jolson? Uh, do you remember we did that once before? Oh, that's right. He's dead. And rather pungent. The rest of that night is something I'd like to forget. All right, then. Bring me that crooner she likes so much, Tom jones.

Honey, you really shouldn't eat so much in bed. It's not good for your heart. My heart is just f-- Homie, what is it? just workin' the turkey through. There it goes!

Bart, when you get a little older, you're going to learn that sometimes romances don't turn out... exactly the way you'd like them to. Hmm. That's why I love elementary school, Edna. The children believe anything you tell them.

I just came here to see Honk if You're Horny! in peace.

but on the other hand, it's not like you go to museums or read books or anything. You think I don't want to? It's those TV networks, Marge. They won't let me-- one quality show after another, each one fresher and more brilliant than the last. If they only stumbled once, just gave us 30 minutes to ourselves.

Pure West. And how come Batman doesn't dance anymore? Remember the Batusi?

(SIREN BLARING) (SENIORS GASPING) Yo, yo, yo! Give it up for M.C. Birthday! I say a birth, a day, a birth-a-de-day Now my good time gang will blow you away

And now the moment you've been waiting for. This year's King and Queen of Energy are... Homer Simpson and Mindy Simmons. Huh? Homer, Mindy, you've just won a romantic dinner alone at Madame Chao's, the sexiest Chinese restaurant in Capital City! Is there any way to get out of this? No.

Lucy! You hit her pretty hard there, Rick. Say, folks, what's all the ruckus? john Wayne? Will you guys turn that thing down?

Now, a guitar has many, many nicknames: an ax, a gitbox- I guess that's it. Anyway, we're gonna start with the fundamentals: playing a burning guitar with your teeth. All right! Fire!

Hello, I'm Troy McClure. You may remember me from such Fox Network specials as... Alien Nose job, and five fabulous weeks of The Chevy Chase Show. Tonight, we're here to honor America's favorite... non-prehistoric cartoon family.

Well, bye-bye belt.

love can't buy me love oh

Tappa-tappa-tappa.

Boy, show business is kind of cruel, isn't it?

Dear Life in These United States, A funny thing happened to me-- Eh, oh! Use a pen, Sideshow Bob.

Takes one to know one. Checkmate.

It's bringing love! Don't let it get away! Break its legs!

Whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. This movie’s turning into "SpongeBob NoPants.” Cut.

I believe it was a "boaking" accident.

Quit it, Bart. Quit it. Quit it. Quit it! Mom! Bart's making faces. Stop that, Bart. Homer, speak to him. Blah. Blee. Bleh. Stupid animals.

Quiet, please. Some of us are trying to weld. Almost done. Just lay still. Lie still. I knew that. Just testing. Sentence fragment. "Sentence fragment" is also a sentence fragment. Must conserve battery power. Just come on.

Defying orders, eh? Well, I see you Scotsmen are thrifty with courage too. Okay, Skinner. That's the last time you'll slap your Willie around. I quit! Fine. I'll do the job myself.

Ow ! My foot ! You lousy, stupid, clumsy--

Lemonade ? Please. I made it just for you.

But it's only 7:00. Yeah! The sun is still out! Ohh! They say your folks can't pay the rent So we're watching you by act of government

Oh, Homer. Everybody's been calling-- Mama, Daddy, the triplets, Vonda Mae, Piney joe, and I owe it all to you.

Four out of five, Simpson. Impressive. But you missed your last target. Did I? Ha-ha!

Fifty spaceships beamed us aboard. They gang-probed you, while I discovered an invention... that blew their heads up and saved America. Uh, do I have to be gang-probed? Would you rather tell Maude the truth? What did the aliens look like? Well, I only saw them from the back... 'cause they were so busy gang-probing you.

Why you little-- Why you big-- Bart, go to your room. I'm out of here. Look, Marge, honey, baby, doll, I-- Homer, I don't even want to look at you right now. What are you saying, honey ?

You're watching Top Hat Entertainment. Adult programming all day, every day... except in Florida and Utah. Coming up next: Stardust Mammaries. Baby - I Ay, caramba ! Bart !

"Pressure too high"? Oh! "Tank must be shut down manually"? Aw! Stupid bird! I never should have put you in charge! Why, you-- Oh, who am I kidding? It's all my fault. I gotta call the plant and warn 'em.

We want to buy the power plant. Would your owner ever sell it? Well, I happen to know he won't sell it for less than $100,000,000. 100,000,000? Ein, zwei, drei, vier, funf... Oh, don't worry. We'll have enough left to buy the Cleveland Browns.

All right, Hans, time to go. But he ate my last meal. If that's the worst thing that happens to you today, consider yourself lucky. Are you really allowed to execute people at a local jail? From this point on, no talking.

Ooh, and Lenny is taking off! That's a foul. I am taking the ball and going home. Hey! Hey, that's not your ball! The chase begins.

Somewhere in that sea of bull hormones... is the sweet, wonderful girl I married. The woman who, instead of swatting a fly... will give it a bath and send it on its way. I'd sure like to go home and have Jiffy Pop with her. Oh, my gosh. You’re right.

Don't do it! Don't do it! You'll kill everyone! ...do it! ...do it! ...kill everyone! Sure is taking me a long time to reach this button.

Uh, well, you want me to come with? Renee? Dearest? She ain't coming back. Ah-- Ah-- Ow. Uh-oh.

I'm very proud of you, Mr. Plow. This might sound silly, but just for a change, would you mind--

Six bells. Time for closin'. Can't talk. Eating. Fairly warned be thee, says I. Huh? Hey! Hey! Hey! But the sign said, "All you can eat."

and did Joe Torre shoot Flipper? But first, professional sports continues its downward march into the gutter. (LAUGHS) This is either about me or steroids. Thanks to professional jerk-ass, Homer Simpson, athletes are now taunting and boasting just to get on our highlight reel. Disgusting. Now here's our highlight reel.

I'm gonna meetcha, I'm gonna meetcha I'll meetcha Black-on-black violence must end. That was for Dr. King.

But you haven't won anything in months. I'll just make more money. Crank out some cheesy merchandise. But you've already merchandised everything-- Krusty's Monopoly game, the Krusty croWd-control barrier. Nothing is selling anymore, not even your new Lady Krusty line. But our infomercials are running 24 hours a day!

This is the Dj-3000. It plays CDs automatically, and it has three distinct varieties of inane chatter. Hey, hey, how about that weather out there? Whoa, that was the caller from hell. Well, hot dog, we have a "Wiener."

And as for you, I don't know you, but I'm sure you're a jerk! Hey, I've only been here a few minutes. What's going on?

No tricks, boy. I said I'm gonna punish you. And come hell or high water, I-- Wait a minute! Ice cream truck! Me! Me! I was here first!

Oh, yeah? How long since you've had a baby?

I look forward to whaling on all of you. There waS A farmer had A dog and bingo was his name-o b-i-- O b-i-- o b-i-- And bingo was his name-o Added extra clap. Not college material.

Now, this is a room with electricity, but it has too much electricity. So I don't know. You might want to wear a hat. Uh-huh.

Gee, Homer, this all looks so garish.

It is? In that case, I'm proud to announce my triumphant return to comedy.

All right. Stay calm. Remember your training. "Dear Homer, I.O.U. one emergency doughnut. Signed, Homer." Bastard! He's always one step ahead.

We thespians believe it's bad luck to mention the name of this particular play out loud. You mean Macbeth? Quiet, you blundering fool! You'll curse us all! What? By saying Macbeth?

Um, what do ya want? We're here to eat your kids. Okay, come on in...

I dont think this was a great place to bring the children. - It still beats Disney's California Adventure. - Mm-hmm.

I'll be there. And this time you can be the nacho man.

That's it. He's out of here. But we're the only family he's got. This is not Happy Days, and he is not the Fonz. Hey-y-y, Mr. S.

Ha, ha! Very good. All right, Lisa, uh-- jeremy Irons. Jeremy's... iron. Mm-hmm. Well, that's...

Moris: You die! You've mastered a dead tongue! But can you handle a live one?

Homer, what's the matter? Ain't you never seen a naked chick ridin' a clam before? Gotta go! Ahhh! What the hell was that? I probably shouldn't have eaten that packet of powdered gravy I found in the parking lot.

Now what? Sorry we're late. Could we have the money now? The answer is no. I'm afraid I must insist.

Doh ! No ! The slide is perfectly safe. This was an isolated incident. I understand that, Krusty, but isn't that what you said before the recall of tainted Krusty brand mayonnaise ? Now, Kent, you know that question is out of bounds. This interview is over.

Super fun happy slide! No, Dad. Oh! I guess killing will be fun enough.

I know you can read my thoughts, Bart. just a little reminder-- if I find out you cut class, your ass is mine. Yes, you heard me. I think words I would never say.

Ganesh commands you!

All right, Bart ! That's it ! Go to your room now ! Okay. I'll take some white meat and stuffing to go, and send up the pumpkin pie in about 20 minutes. I said now ! Mom, do I have to ? Yes, you do ! I hope you're happy, Bart ! You've ruined Thanksgiving !

Yeah. By you! Groundskeeper Willie! Um, uh, so you're the immigrant I'm here to help. Help? You destroyed my house... and reduced me to livin' in a dump. Groundskeeper Willie, furious with the government that let him down. I'm Bart Simp--

the circle of life is complete. - Fat Tony, do you have any comment? - I don't get it. Everyone loves rats, but they don't wanna drink the rats' milk? Hmm. Any words for the mayor? Hello, Mayor Quimby. I would like to remind you that accidents will happen...

The devil? What devil? The one you call "Bart." Oh, no, no, no, no. You don't understand. Bart's just my brother. The devil is your brother?

we've had three movies, two filmstrips... and an hour and a half of magazine time. I just don't feel challenged. Of course we could make things more challenging, Lisa, but then the stupider students would be in here complaining, furrowing their brows in a vain attempt to understand the situation.

Why, you little- Why, you little-

My Bologna has A first name it's h-o-m-e-r my Bologna has A second name it's h-o-m-e-r oh, I Scram!

Homer, what is it? Slow down. Yer getta ferda redda oura.

Sorry. It's league night. I couldn't give a lane to my own mother. I have no son.

just sit there and keep your mouth shut. Got it ? Yes, Mr. Smithers. He thinks he's so big. You don't belong here. Huh ? You don't belong here. You're a fraud and a phony, and it's only a matter of time until they find you out. Who told you ? You did. You told me with the way you slump your shoulders,

Why, I go in and out of comas all the-- French toast, please. Is a coma painful? Oh, heck no! You relive long-lost summers, kiss girls from high school. It's like one of those TV shows where they show a bunch of clips from old episodes.

All right, we're here. Let us never speak of the shortcut again. Now, remember, we're in the Itchy Lot.

Good-bye, dolly. Arrivederci, Vito.

D'oh! I can't believe I'm meeting Milhouse. Yeah! Heard it old school! No-o-o! Bart was so cool. - Little short. He's about this tall. - Don't print that.

Dibs. First dibs. I get to lick the beaters. Ow ! Ow ! Ow ! Litha, my "ongue" is "uck" in the "eaters." My "ongue" ! Happy birthday ! Huh ? What ? Here's your birthday breakfast.

Here's johnny! D'oh! David Letterman! - Hi, David. I'm Grampa. - D'oh! I'm Mike Wallace. I'm Morley Safer. And I'm Ed Bradley. All this and Andy Rooney tonight on 60 Minutes!

I myself have spent years searching for my long-lost twin brother. Yeah, well, I wish I could help you, but we're looking for my brother today. - Can you tell me his name ? - Hmm. According to our records, a Mr. and Mrs. Powell...

Homer, you moron. Homer, you genius!

Hi, Mrs. Simpson! Oh, no! I pepper-sprayed Ralph. Even my boogers are spicy. Sorry!

The dream was over. Coming up: Was the dream really over? Yes, it was. Or was it? And Homer finds a new passion: dusting and polishing mixing boards.

You're so naive. They are for lovemaking. Really ? Yes. Oh ! - Champagne ? - Please. There, my darling.

Leave Homer ? - Don't use his real name ! - Leave Pedro ? Can you be that honest ? Yeah. You'll tell him right when he comes home from work. Yeah ! - Say it like you mean it. - Yeah ! Attagirl.

All right, who can take a story and blow it way out of proportion? I'm your man, boss! I want you to over-hype this story so much, it makes the New York Post look like The New York Times. Or The New York Times look like the New York Post. I forget which one the good one is.

Oh, no. Ties. Don't worry, son. You can have mine. Here. Let me show you how to put on a tie. The hook goes over the top and these things go in there. Thanks, Dad.

He's not like anybody I've ever met. He's like a riddle wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a vest.

Open wide. Here comes the airplane.

Thanks for buyin' us these toys, Grampa. Bah! Why didn't you get something useful, like storm windows?

Isn't there like a pound where you can pick up cheap ponies that ran away from home? I sincerely hope not. I'd like to borrow $5,000. Sorry. I can't approve a loan that size myself. Hello.

Of course. It's so simple. Wait. No, it's not. It's needlessly complicated. Yes, it is. And we can't have you out there mucking it up, now can we? No, sir. That's a good boy. Let's get you some ice cream. There we are. Look.

f Man f J Jellyfish J J i held you close J J And told you iiove youJ J But then the ocean took you backJ

Oh, Lord, protect this rocket house and all who dwell within the rocket house.

(PLAYING UPBEAT MUSIC)

Well, circle gets the square. TV sure has come a long way, huh, Milhouse? (MILHOUSE LAUGHING) Check it out! I'm riding some guy named Ironside! Ow, my banana! Danger, danger. Door ajar. The indignity.

Bring forth all the cookies from your kitchen and leave them on the Simpsons' porch. But those belong to our parents. Look, do you want a happy God or a vengeful God? Happy God. Then quit flapping your lip. Yes, sir. Yes, sir.

I did. I did read to her. "8:00. Happy Days. "The Fonz, Henry Winkler, is worried he's losing his cool." Well, I've always been a firm believer in the three "Rs"-- reading TV Guide, um,

One more time! Oh, come on, Lisa. I got a date with Billie Holiday.

Boy, when Lisa comes in, I want you to make a big fuss over how she looks. She'll see through me like Grandma's underpants.

Wow! Very impressive. You're a natural, Mr. Simpson. Really? Uh-huh. All you need is your own set of clubs. And stay the hell out of my locker! You can keep the shoes.

Hey... this is how we play. J The squirmy wormy spider squirts out of Daddy's hands; J Daddy feels rejected J J He's gonna eat some cake JJ

Medieval? Like Lord of the Rings? No. Not at all. (ALL GROAN) Can't we just keep going forward in our textbooks? No! Now I've already assigned each of you a role in the medieval court.

Don't you realize you've just been brainwashed by corporate propaganda? Apparently, my crazy friend here hasn't heard of the food chain. Yeah. Lisa's a Grade A moron. When I grow up, I'm going to Bovine University.

Take your hands off my eyes! Whoa! Whoa! Ooh! Ahh! Uh-oh.

Say some gangsta is dissin' your fly girl. Ya just give' em one of these. Ooh, eh, ah, ooh

Oh, wait a second. I do something really funny here.

Lisa, why aren't you at band practice? I quit.

Stop ! Don't you see what's happening here ? They're fattening us up so they can eat us ! Come on, Lisa. If you don't believe me, look at this book that I found. She's right ! Humans, you have stopped eating. Listen, you big, stupid space creature,

Coming up next, "The Flintstones Meet The jetsons." Uh-oh. I smell another cheap cartoon-crossover. Bart Simpson, meet jay Sherman, the critic. Hello. Hey, man, I really love your show. I think all kids should watch it. I suddenly feel so dirty.

Oh, yeah. There she is.

Sugar do-do-do-do do-do aw, honey, honey do-do-do-do do-do You are my caNdy--

- You grabbed me in the car! - Oh, that. No, I was just grabbing a gummi Venus de Milo that got stuck to your pants. Yeah, right. That's the oldest excuse in the book.

Oh, I'd love to. But to be honest, modern medicine has a lousy record of treating the back. We spend too much time on the front. Yeah, there's some neat stuff on the front. I'm gonna send you to my chiropractor.

Oh ! - Champagne ? - Please. There, my darling. Thank you.

You’ve gotta get rid ofthose Furbys. They've turned feral.

Uh, hi. - Hi. - I have soy milk. The doctor says the real kind could kill me. I wish I was interesting like you.

(LAUGHING) Money is for the poor. Why don't you use your ATM card? Ah! Yes. The automated teller machine-eola-trola-maton. (GRUNTING)

Same time, same place ? Yes. In my office after school. Ooh ! Bart, I hope you won't bear some sort of simpleminded grudge against me. I was merely trying to fend off the desecration of the school building. - Eat my shorts. - Pardon ?

Mmm. I'm a shepherd without a flock. What have I done to lose them? The real question is, what have you done to keep them? St. Eleutherius of Nicomedia!

Oh, Rhett! Rhett! Oh, Rhett. Where will I go? What'll I do? Frankly, my dear-- I love you. Let's remarry. Ahh. That's sweet. What a lovely ending.

It was worth it. Hey, Homer, you wanna get a beer on the way home?

Come on, Marge. I wanna shake off the dust of this one-horse town. I wanna explore the world. I wanna watch TV in a different time zone. I wanna visit strange, exotic malls. I'm sick of eating hoagies. I want a grinder, a sub, a foot-long hero! I wanna live, Marge! Won't you let me live? Won't you, please?

Cartwright, cut. Smith, sorry. Cut. Azaria and Shearer, you're cut. Firestone, you're cut. So is judge. Namath, you stay. All of those people are cut. Bill Schultz and Wolf and Silverman. Goldreyer. O'Brien, Doyle, Selman, I don't know what you--

or you'll all be back doing Come Blow Your Horn at the Westport Dinner Theater. All right then. Let's see what the old Simpson family is up to now. Duh-oh!

And best of all, it's made from 100% recycled animals. I think I'm gonna be sick. Oh, a spoonful of slurry will cure what ails ya. Oh! You haven't changed at all! You're still evil. And when you're trying to be good, you're even more evil.

Funny story, Kent. It's the end of the world! God loves you! He's gonna kill you!

Here's some more chocolate curls, gun buddies. Anyone else want a beer? Homer, you use your gun as a can opener? I use it for everything. Watch me turn on the TV.

They hate me ? Well, what trial were you watching ? Maybe a settlement-- Oh, yes, settlement ! Fine ! Hang your heads in shame, you overpriced, under-brained, glorified notary publics ! just get that big ape to my house tonight, and we'll buy him off with a banana or two !

Hello, Dondelinger. Simpson. Is that a plunger stuck on your head? D'oh!

Well, you know, a healthy baby can bring upwards of $60,000. What? Of course, that was just a test. Had you reacted differently, why, you'd be in jail right now. Simply a test.

Paperboy! Ohh! Milkman! Piano lady! D'oh!

"taste-imony." Sir, this is a house of justice, not a sugar shack. It's Hershey highwaymen like you who made me fat. Well, Your Honor, the court carries it well. Silence. I rule in favor of Marge Simpson.

We need the outlet for our rock tumbler. Plug it in! Plug it in! What, the rock tumbler or the TV? The TV! The TV! Show

Kirk, I don't know what it is. Oy! It could not be more simple, Luann. Do you want me to show this to the cat and have the cat tell you what it is? 'Cause the cat's gonna get it. I'm sorry. I'm not as smart as you, Kirk. We didn't all go to Gudger College. It's dignity!

The doors are now locked, so you parents can't sneak out after your own child has performed. Let me caution the people in the first five rOwS-- You will get wet.

So you have no professional objection to itchy & Scratchy ? No, not at all. In fact, one of my guilty little pleasures... is to snuggle up with a big bucket of buttered popcorn, dim the lights, turn on itchy & Scratchy and laugh myself silly. And what the hell is wrong with that ? Not a thing. Now, for another opinion.

I put those Cathys on the fridge for you. I don't even like them. They've gotten so smutty. Oh, sure. When a man does it, it's smutty. But if a woman did it--

Some are just smarter than the others. Welcome to the others. (SCREAMS)

I'd do anything for keg-meister julius. So I cooked up a phony awards show. Not again. Time saver, my ass. When Willie asked me to be a presenter at the New Awareness Awards, I had to think about it-- for about a microsecond.

I just don't feel challenged. Of course we could make things more challenging, Lisa, but then the stupider students would be in here complaining, furrowing their brows in a vain attempt to understand the situation.

Okay. Look at the eye chart and cover your left eye. That's my seein' eye. The right one's my winkin' eye. I'll give you your license if you never do that again.

Marge? Yes, Homie? That's it! You people have stood in my way long enough! I'm going to clown college! I don't think any of us expected him to say that.

J Jellyfish, along you came; J And right away I'm stung J

Then it is unanimous. We are going to approve the bill to evacuate the town of Springfield... - in the great state of-- - Wait a second. I want to tack on a rider to that bill. Thirty million dollars of taxpayer money to support the perverted arts. All in favor of the amended Springfield/"Prevert" bill?

Another Duff, Homer? Nah. It's Friday night, Moe. I wanna try something special. Uh, sure. Sure. Here you go. DÜff, from Sweden. Go! Wait a minute! This is Duff! Ya got me, didn't ya?

Sure. I'll give you a ride! Thank you. On the way we can do that $2,000 man thing. You be Carl Reiner, and I'll be Police Chief Wiggum. Listen. Why don't you play Carl Reiner and let me play Police Chief Wiggum? I hate Carl Reiner!

Welcome to Fox News-- your voice for evil. Tonight we'll be interviewing the top two candidates... for Springfield's 24th Congressional District. For the Republicans, beloved children's entertainer-- Krusty the Clown. And for the Democrats, this guy. I have a name! Yes. I'm sure you do, comrade.

Wait. I know. Vent gas. "Pressure too high"? Oh! "Tank must be shut down manually"? Aw! Stupid bird! I never should have put you in charge! Why, you-- Oh, who am I kidding? It's all my fault.

Mondays, 9:00, CBS. They say everybody loves that guy, but I don't get it. What are you talking about? Hey, I'm just saying, catch it while you still can.

Drederick, uh, what do you think of Homer Simpson? I think he's a good man. I like him. I got nothing against him, but I'm definitely gonna make orphans of his children. Uh, they do have a mother, Champ. Yes, but I would imagine that she would die of grief.

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

And I'm not out of order. You're out of order! The whole freakin' system is out of order.

What do I do in case-- After applying brushable coating to the panels-- Wait a minute. you'll need corrosion-resistant metal stucco lath. Wait a minute! If you can't find metal stucco lath-- Uh-huh? use carbon-fiber stucco lath. Ohh! Now parge the lath.

Knock that off, you two! It's time for church! We're not going to church today. What? You give me one good reason! It's Saturday! Okilly-dokilly-do! Hens love roosters geese love ganders

The only applause I got was for draggin' my carcass out of there. Hey, Mr. Showmanship, the owner wants to see you in his office right now. I'm sorry, young man. You're just not ready. Pick up your check at the front office, and for God's sake, put some clothes on ! I guess it's back to good old Springfield.

Lucky you don't keep guns in the house. Homer, why are you here ? Oh, because I got drunk and looked down her dress.

Oh, I'm sorry, boy. Bart, do you want to see my new chainsaw and hockey mask? Oh, sorry. What am I thinking?

Game's over. I'm outta here. Wait a minute, you little cheater. You're not going anywhere until you tell me what a "kwyjibo" is. "Kwyjibo." Uh-- A big, dumb, balding, North American ape with no chin. And a short temper. I'll show you a big, dumb, balding ape ! Uh-oh. Kwyjibo on the loose.

w' With a bun of sesame w'w' f Male Announcer] We start with authentic letter-graded meat... and process the hell out oft .. till " good enough for Krusty. 77y my new K rusty Rib wich.

Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!

So I said, "I must get out of these wet clothes and into a dry martini." Well said. Thank you. Oh, good Lord. There's a fly in my drink. I put it there. - You did ? - I slipped it into your glass as a gag. Pure hilarity !

Oh! They're always eating candy in Shelbyville. They love the sweet taste. We gotta get that tree back! You mean, going to Shelbyville? We'll never make it out alive. That lemon tree's a part of our town, and, as kids, the backbone of our economy. We'll get it back or choke their rivers with our dead!

I'm looking for a Mr. Smithers, first name Waylon. Oh. So you're lookin' for a Mr. Smithers, eh? First name Waylon, is it? Listen to me, you! When I catch you, I'm gonna pull out your eyes and shove 'em down your pants... so you can watch me kick the crap outta you! Okay? Then I'm gonna use your tongue to paint my boat.

Mr. Burns has left the building. We are mollified! We are mollified!

"Shoot 'em all, and let God sort 'em out."

Hi, I'm Troy McClure. You may remember me from such TV spin-offs as Son of Sanford and Son and After Mannix.

Mmm. Look. Plump succulent sausage, honey-smoked bacon and glistening, sizzling-- I'm dying. I'm dying.

I am Death. Death? We don't want any. I have come for Bart Simpson. Bart, run like the (MISPRONOUNCING) wind! Mom, it's "wind." Well, I've only read it in books.

problem with trying to kill people? Goodness, I had no idea. For, you see, I have been on Mars for the last decade... in a cave with my eyes shut and my fingers in my ears. TouchÉ, Cecil. I'm aware of your felonious past but you are still my brother. And blood is thicker than bread and water.

I know my punishment might seem a little harsh, but I can't go back on it. - You're welcome to watch anything you want on TV. - TV sucks.

Flanders! Stop that! Eyes bigger than your stomach, eh, wolfie?

Uh-oh. Here comes Helen Fielding. JJ f Continues f

Would you turn off that rock 'n' rock music? Don't have a stegosaurus, man.

And he taught me how to play the shehnai. That's even worse than the album Grampa released.

(MILHOUSE LAUGHING) Check it out! I'm riding some guy named Ironside! Ow, my banana! Danger, danger. Door ajar. The indignity. The agents got all my money.

Homer, it's really coming down. Could you check on the boys ? They're fine.

F-- Dear Lord! That's the loudest profanity I've ever heard.

This has been a Bart-toon presentation. In association with Ay Carumba Entertainment. Why that little--

Shall I show you to your room, or would you prefer... to be dragged off kicking and screaming? Ooh, kicking and screaming, please.

Hey, Moe, what'll you give me for an A.A. chip? Uh, Barney, this is a five-minute chip. Ah, it's worth a Pabst.

You said it, Phil.

In your face! I've got more chicken bone!

- You grabbed me in the car! - Oh, that. No, I was just grabbing a gummi Venus de Milo that got stuck to your pants. Yeah, right. That's the oldest excuse in the book.

julius! Clancy! Skinner! Seymour! Mother. - Patty? - Cletus! Oh, uh, Barney. Clancy! Hey, come on! You did me twice!

Why didn't someone tell me? Oh, I've been making an idiot out of myself! Mrs. Krabappel and Principal Skinner were in the closet making babies. And I saw one of the babies. And the baby looked at me. The baby looked at you? Sarah, get me Superintendent Chalmers.

I carved that one wonderful summer. What did Carl think? You know, we've never discussed it.

Tight bow tie, my ass! Now ladies and gentlemen, put your hands together for the world's largest potato pancake! That's a lot of latke! (GRUNTING) Three, two, one, and you're canceled!

Homer, you knuckle-beak. I told you a hundred times. You gotta sell your pumpkin futures before Halloween. Before. Let's not panic. I'll make the money back by selling one of my livers. I can get by with one. Oh. How am I gonna tell Marge we're broke? I need a miracle. My house is on fire!

Well, at least it's safer than the old bus.

Nevermore, nevermore, nevermore, nevermore, nevermore--

Yeah! All right! Videotaping this crime spree is the best idea we ever had! Quick, Ralph. In the bushes.

- Who said that? - Will you stop saying that? - Simpson! - S h h _ English - US - SDH

I'll be the sole survivor, and the treasure will be mine.

is freebasing ground-up moon rocks. (SUCKING) All this does is get me to normal. (SIGHS) Thank you, Krusty.

Why didn't someone tell me? Oh, I've been making an idiot out of myself! Mrs. Krabappel and Principal Skinner were in the closet making babies. And I saw one of the babies. And the baby looked at me. The baby looked at you? Sarah, get me Superintendent Chalmers.

Ow ! Nevermore, nevermore, nevermore, nevermore, nevermore-- Dag-- Doggone it !

Oh. That's much worse.

I want you to shut off the logical part of your mind. Okay. Embrace nothingness. You got it. Become like an uncarved stone. Done. - Bart ! You're just pretending to know what I'm talking about. - True. Well, it's very frustrating. I'll bet.

Well, I wine them, I... dine them, bring them flowers, write them love poetry, sir. Of course.

Lisa? Lisa! Dad! Stay there! I'll come down and save you! What's wrong with this thing?

The American Taxpayer.

like my loafers former gophers it was that or skin my chauffeurs but A greyhound-fur tuxedo would be best so let's prepare these dogs kill two For matching clogs

Garbage ! What matchbook art school did you flunk out of, you ham-fisted, nearsighted house painter ? - Smithers, throw this on the dung heap. - I quit. I guess that's what you call your artistic temperament.

Seymour! The house is on fire! No, Mother. It's just the northern lights. Well, Seymour, you are an odd fellow, but I must say you steam a good ham. Help! Help!

You did this, Bart Simpson! The man knows quality work. This time you're in for it, Bart. Huh! What's he gonna do?

Homer. Homer, why didn't you tell me? I was ashamed, Marge. I failed you as a husband and a provider. And at best I was a B-plus dog. I'll understand if you want to sleep on the couch tonight.

Hey! How come my pay is so low? "Bear Patrol Tax $5.00." What? This is an outrage! It's the biggest tax increase in history! Actually, Dad, it's the smallest tax increase in history. Let the bears pay the bear tax. I pay the Homer tax. That's the homeowner tax. Well, anyway, I'm still outraged.

Safe! Wow. My first home run. That's my boy. Come on. Hug me.

I'm just getting started.

You make it sound so seamy. All I did was spend the afternoon in her trailer... watching her try on some outfits. Hi, Lurleen. We were just talking about you. I think I can come over. Let me ask my wife.

You are tampering with forces you can't understand. We have major corporations sponsoring this event. I hope you know you're sponsoring a celebration for a murderous pirate. A pirate? Well, that's hardly the image we want for Long john Silver's.

Murray Hill 5-9232. Hello. This is Vincent Price. It's Vincent Price! I thought he was dead. You should know the grave could never tame me. Oh, Mr. Price. I loved you in The Abominable Doc--

the bake sale to raise money for the car wash... has been canceled due to confusion. Well, that concludes this morning's announcements. I'm Seymour Skinner. And stand by to resume learning in five, four, three, two-- Ugh! It's hard enough to keep the kids awake without you, Seymour.

(ROARING) (BIG LION-LIKE YAWN) Until a younger, more aggressive lion challenges his power. (WHIMPERS) (WHIMPERS) (GRUNTS) Oh.

I asked you before the game... if you knew the rules, and you said you did.

And as for you, you clinking, clattering cacophony... of collagenous cogs and camshafts, take... that! Aahh!

Hello? Yes? Oh. If you're looking for that big doughnut of yours, Flanders has it. just smash open his house. He came to life. Good for him!

Well, I'm better than dirt. Well, most kinds of dirt. I mean, not that fancy, store-bought dirt. That stuff's loaded with nutrients. I can't compete with that stuff.

Happy birthday to you Happy birthday to you Happy 34th birthday, Mrs. Homer Simpson Happy birthday to you

Oh, yakety-yak-yak. - You, food bag, do you have a son? - Yes, sir, I do. And is he a constant disappointment? Does he bring home nitwits and make you talk to them? Oh, all the time. Have you ever heard of this kid Milhouse? He's a little wiener who-- Fascinating. Good night.

Ooh, that's bad. But it comes with a free frogurt. That's good. The frogurt is also cursed. That's bad.

Hey, monkey, you want a peanut? I said one!

In your face, space coyote! Space coyote?

Hmm. We didn't have a message when we left. How very odd. Hello, Muddah Hello, Faddah Here I am at Camp Granada - Marge, is Lisa at Camp Granada? Now to put this tape...

You're letting me go? Kirk, crackers are a family food. Happy families. Maybe single people eat crackers. We don't know. Frankly, we don't want to know. It's a market we can do without. So that's it after 20 years-- so long, good luck? I don't recall saying "good luck."

and you expect me to give you... how much? $800 billion. Well, that brought back a lot of memories.

How much is this free resort weekend? It's free. And when is this weekend? It's this weekend. Uh-huh. And how much does it cost? - Um, it's free. - I see. And when is it? It's this weekend. And what are you charging for this free weekend? Come on, Dad. The team's arriving. It's free, right?

¡Ay, chihuahua! As you can see, Simpson, I have taken over all 78 channels, and you won't see any of your favorite shows again until you give in! Whoa! That bites. Holy crap!

All the kids in Springfield are S.O.B.s. Gabbo's kind of language has no place on or off TV. And that's my two cents. That oughta hold those S.O.B.s. What the--

Now they'll never save your brain, Hitler. Little help?

Let's catch the tail end of Nooky in New York. Nooky in New York? It's a cable show about four single women... who act like gay men. That sounds great.

See, Maggie? The ocean is just like a bathtub. Except instead of rubber duckies, it has barracudas and moray eels. Nothin' to worry about. just a little wave.

No ! Homer, do you know why I gave you this job ? 'Cause you think I'm a genius ? No, I don't think you're a genius. 'Cause you think I'm dynamic ? I don't think you're dynamic. You think I work well with others ? No, no, no, no, no.

and so did a long-lost care package. Mmm. Homer, please. You don't have to wolf down that 25-year-old candy... just to make me happy. But it won't make you unhappy, right?

Oh, hey, hey. Family, family, come here. I have an announcement to make. The Simpsons have cable ! Cable ? We have cable ? That's right, 68 channels. MTV for the kids, VH-1 for us. Sixteen hundred hours of quality programming every day !

These uniforms suck. Bart, where do you pick up words like that? Yeah, Moe, that team sure did suck last night. They just plain sucked. I've seen teams suck before, but they were the suckiest bunch of sucks that ever sucked. Homer, watch your mouth! I gotta go. My damn wiener kids are listening. We are not wieners. Then what are you dressed like that for?

Ooh... Battlestar Galactica!

You Make me feel so young you make me feel so Spring has sprung

because I would hate for you to think that what I'm about to say... is based on emotion. But you, sir, Huh ? are a baboon ! Me ? Yes, you ! Baboon, baboon, baboon, baboon ! I don't think you realize what you're saying. Baboon !

Mmm... mmm. Did you get the job? Nah, they wanted someone good. Story of my life. Oh, Homey.

Hmm. These campaign buttons are all partisan. Don't you have any neutral ones? "May the better man win"-- "Let's have a good, clean election"-- that sort of thing? Uh, no, but we do have some old shirt buttons. They're kind of kooky and fun. Missy, you just talked yourself right out of a sale.

Well, it's been two hours. How do you feel? I don't know. I kind of want a cigarette. That's a good start. Let's get you a pack. What's your brand? Anything slim.

Black power! Black power! Was that Al Roker? His exuberance is perplexing. Of course we have headsets, but you would be mad to stop there. Tell me, what is currently plugged...

Sideshow Bob, Councilman Les Wynan... says that you're not experienced enough to be mayor. Sir, what do you have to say about that? I'd say that Les Wynan... ought to do more thinkin' and less whinin'.

Hey, Homer. Hey, Homer. Hey, Homer. Hey, Homer. Hey, Homer. Hey, Homer. Hey, Homer. Aaaaahh! Hey, Homer. Hey, Homer. Hiya, Homer! What's the matter?

Ooh... Battlestar Galactica!

Superintendent, I hope you're ready for mouthwatering hamburgers. I thought we were having steamed clams. D'oh, no. I said steamed hams. That's what I call hamburgers.

The guy in the pink shirt is the father of the family who was just released from a mental hospital. Thanks, everybody. It's great to be sane.

Some folk'll never eat a skunk but then again Some folk'll Like Cletus the Slack-jawed Yokel Hey. What's goin' on on this side?

Will you leave me alone? It's bad enough you're making me go to your stupid judgment Day.

Oh, great. Tell them this is one of those places where rich women lose weight.

For all the latest medical poop Call Surgeon General C. Everett Koop Koop-Koop-a-doop

This is my voice on Tv - Dad! You're ruining the mood! Sorry.

Uh... Oh, we finally found out why the dog was scooting around on his butt all day. Turns out he had an impacted anal gland. The excitement never stops. Chloe, would you like to see slides of our trip to Athens...

Look. Just give me some inner peace, or I'll mop the floor with ya! Good. Your mind is in a state of readiness. So listen well. To make yourself complete, you must find your soul mate. Soul mate? Your kindred spirit. The one with whom you share an unspoken bond.

You couldn't be more wrong, Lisa. If I didn't have this gun, the king of England... could just walk in here anytime he wants and start shoving you around. Do you want that? Huh? - Do you? - No. All right, then. I'm sorry, Homer. No weapons.

Marge, do you respect my intelligence?

I'll have a Shirley-- No, a virgin-- No, make it a children's-- Oh, what the heck. You only live once. Give me a white wine spritzer. Spritzer--

To obtain a special dialing wand, please mash the keypad with your palm now. I'm gonna have to shut it down myself! Fat, don't fail me now! D'oh!

So the tiny Aorta fairies will take Mr. Leg Vein on a long trip... to get married to Princess Left Ventricle. Dad, are you trying to tell us you're getting a coronary artery bypass graft? Uh, yeah. Oh, no. What if they botch it? I won't have a dad... for a while.

Oh. That must be our new landlord, Mr. Stingley. Where is the rent I must have the rent Dollars, dimes and nickels I need them all right now I literally chewed the scenery.

Hey, he stole my bit!

What's good as new? Who's talking?

Hey there, Homer. How's it hanging? Low and lazy. So-- Hey. Say something again. Oh, you're just noticing the way I'm talking to you now. You see, it turns out I am an American citizen after all.

You may ask me three questions. That's great, because all I need is one. Are you really the head of the Kwik-E-Mart? Yes. Really? Yes. You? Yes. I hope this has been enlightening for you. But I must-- Thank you. Come again.

I have hair. I have hair !

Theme from a summer place From a summer place The theme from a summer place It's the theme-- Next!

Bart, you want some brownie before you go to bed? Come on. Let me cut you a brownie while they're still hot. Dad, I'm kind of edgy right now. I'd appreciate you not coming in my room screaming and brandishing a butcher knife.

Hi, everybody! Ho... mer Simp... son. Okay, that was a little strange.

That's right, an unauthorized tattoo. I came here right away. Very good. Here you go! 42-inch plasma TV as a thank you from your... Your mother. Oh, that "my mother." Tell him thanks. Okay, Tattoo Man.

Hark to the tale of Nelson and the boy he loved so dear They remained the best of friends for years and years and years What are they saying?

Best Thanksgiving ever, eh, boy ? Good-bye. Sorry. I'm sure Bart will be back. I would say something comforting, but, you know, my voice. Let's go ! If I'm not back at the home by 9:00, they declare me legally dead and collect my insurance !

Hey, funny man! No, no, no! Herschel?

Move it, pokey. Slow and steady wins the race. Easy, easy. Stick with the plan.

Dad! You did it, Nibbles! Now, chew through my ball sack. Huh? Skinner!

they fight And bite they fighT and bite and fight Dad! V-chip, v-chip! Sorry, sorry, my fault. ...And scratchy show

But seriously, we've had a lot of fun with our dad over the years.

Okay, Libya. Exports. Yes, sir, you American pig. Nice touch. Uh-- Let's see. Uh, the exports of Libya are numerous in amount. One thing they export is corn. Or, as the Indians call it, maize.

It's not a jail. It's a reeducation center.

Why me, Lord? Where have I gone wrong? I've always been nice to people. I don't drink or dance or swear. I've even kept kosher just to be on the safe side. I've done everything the Bible says! Even the stuff that contradicts the other stuff!

Tell Maude I want a fancy funeral! Big coffin, lots of jewels!

Well, of course you deserve a star, Krusty. Let me just ask you a few questions. Full name? Herschel Pinchas Yoracham Krustofski. Good, good. Circumcision? And then some! (CHUCKLES) Date of Bar Mitzvah?

Power off, Einstein.

And he hurled a rock of rejection at anyone displaying intelligence, character, or ethnicity. (GRUNTS) Tonight, we reveal a shocking secret. Ladies, when you were selected, you were told that you'd be dating a billionaire on his private island. Well, I'm afraid we misled you.

Y'ello? Ahoy-hoy, Executive V.P. I'm putting the final touches on my speech to the investors, and I need your generous guffaws. But I can't find you funny anymore. I'll either tickle your ribs or feed them to my dogs! Now, we're ordering out. What would you like on your pizza pie? Extra cheese? What do you take me for?

But I promised my family I wouldn't smoke it anymore. Well, I've gotta do something. Start inhalin', Waylon.

Now I'm returning to work without washing my hands-- But it doesn't matter, because I'm Homer Simpson. I don't need to do my work, 'cause someone else will do it for me. D'oh, d'oh, d'oh. Hey, you okay, Grimey? I'm better than okay. I'm Homer Simpson. You wish.

But I cannot help you. I am just a local merchant from, uh, this town. Just smash it open! Oh, you can do it if your heart is pure-- or... purée.

You know, I never walk out of a movie, but, yuck!

I mean, elevator. Think unsexy thoughts. Think unsexy thoughts. Think unsexy thoughts. Ew!

'Cause you can really "go places" in the travel business. Huh? Feel free to use that one. What one?

Dear Mr. President, there are too many states nowadays. Please eliminate three. I am not a crackpot. - Good news, Abe. - Who are you?

"You will not see me again until I am a man." Oh, Homer... Homer!

Well, that's the miracle of the franchise. You get all the equipment and know-how you need... plus a familiar brand name people trust. You'll be on a rocket ride to the moon! And while you're there, would you pick up some of that nice green moon money for me-- Royce McCutcheon. No deal, McCutcheon. That moon money is mine!

Mmm. Mm-hmm. Montgomery Burns. Now we wait. Let go of me! I'm innocent! Whoa, he's in trouble. We'd like to award this year's Pulitzer Prize to Mr. X.

Who is Homer? My name is Guy incognito. Oh, my God! This man is my exact double! That dog has a puffy tail!

I myself have spent years searching for my long-lost twin brother.

I reluctantly accept this highly-paid, glamorous job.

Milhouse, what have you got there? My busy box. It's got everything. Vroom, vroom, vroom! I'm calling Daddy. Good for you, not being bound by the recommended age. What are you talking about? Oh, geez.

Nice work, Petunia. 'Ere you go.

Tonight, we review an aging Charles Bronson in Death Wish IX. I wish I was dead. Oy! But first, we have a special guest, Rainier Wolfcastle,

That's opinion, not news!

Aha! Stay away from me, Bart. I mean it. I'm not going back. I'm not cut out to be a star.

I get to clothe the leper! Lucky! Suppertime, boys. Oh, boy! Liver! Iron helps us play! I wanna go home.

"Underachiever and proud of it." How old is this thing? "Lisa is an outstanding student with a slight tendency toward know-it-all-ism"?

Hmm. Mm-hmm. Hey, give me some of that! Mom! Bart sprayed whipped cream in my eye! I did not. Kids, cut it out! All right. Hey!

Son, a woman is a lot like, um, a refrigerator. They're about six feet tall, 300 pounds. They make ice and--

I am happy to report we've succeeded in blocking the St. Patrick's Day Parade, which, every year, steps on several lizards.

So, Homer, you think you can fix my sciatica? Hmm. I don't know what that is, so I'm gonna say yes. Now go limp. I'm limp. One, two, better not sue. Hey, it worked! My searing leg pain is now a gentle numbness.

What is all this stuff? Uh, we've heard you've become a star. We decided we better start living in the fast lane. What if I'm not a success? How will you pay for all this?

Ow! Monkeys point. Monkeys cry.

That is the most dishonest thing I've ever heard ! I should box your ears, you-you-you Sneaky Pete ! Easy, tiger. Hey, you easy ! Now, get off my property ! Hey, Flanders, who put that bug up your butt ?

I would really like to thank you nerds for helping me out. Oh, and could you stop calling us nerds? Dweeb, wonk, spaz, it's all good.

It's our grease now. We run the grease racket in this town. Hey, that's my shovel! We also run the shovel racket.

No more pain where you are now, boy. Oh, God! That's tasty. I wish Pinchy were here to enjoy this.

You went to the snack car? Yeah. But first I talked to the engineer. He said there's a procedure for dealing with events of this nature. Oh! Okay. Now am I the only one on fire?

You? Yes. I hope this has been enlightening for you. But I must-- Thank you. Come again. But-- Thank you. Come again. Well, that was a big bust. Is he really the head of the Kwik-E-Mart?

- Do you? - Yes, I certainly do.

My son. My son. Come on, Flanders. He's not that bad.

Whoa! This is the moment we've feared, people. Many of you thought it would never happen, but I insisted we spend two hours every morning training for it. You all thought I was mad. Many of you requested to be transferred to another peanut factory. But now, we--

Oh, this is not happening. This is not happening ! Everybody in the kitchen. We're having a family meeting. We never had a family meeting before. We never had a problem with a family member we can give away before.

No way, man. My hair is who I am! Ow, I'm a freak! What the--

Ivana Tinkle. just a sec.

Hello, fishies! Listen, rummy! I'm gonna say it plain and simple. Where'd you pinch the hooch? - Is some blind tiger jerking suds on the side? - Yes?

My father was a stewardess. Marge, there's nothing to be ashamed of here.

Bart, have you lost your-- Bart Simpson! You've really done it this time.

Ooh! Keep your hands to yourself, mister.

If I didn't have this gun, the king of England... could just walk in here anytime he wants and start shoving you around. Do you want that? Huh? - Do you? - No. All right, then. I'm sorry, Homer. No weapons.

What was that? It sounded like a silo tipping over. Look! The snow's melting! With a little help from our friend, sodium chloride!

You know, I think your sister could use a little help washing the car. You'll be like an owl saying, "Milhouse who? "Milhouse who? Milhouse who?" Hey, Moldilocks. Mom says I'm supposed to help you. Fine. You can confirm the accuracy of the hose. - (YELLING) - (LAUGHING) You wet your pants!

Alight your gaze on yonder fabled beasts of yore. Behold the rarest of the rare, the mythological two-headed hound,

She's still your mother. Come inside. Hmm? Can I get you a glass of milk? Cow milk? Uh-huh.

and what do I have to show for it? This briefcase and this haircut. And what do you have to show for your lifetime of sloth and ignorance? What? Everything! A dream house, two cars, a beautiful wife, a son who owns a factory, fancy clothes and--

You got the dud!

it's company policy to give you the plague. Uh, sir, that's the plaque.

Hey, Carl! Check out the overhead scoreboard. Poo. Uh, Homer. What wacky name do you want? - Are "poo" and "Ass" taken? - Yeah. Damn! Could my life get any worse?

Superintendent, I hope you're ready for mouthwatering hamburgers. I thought we were having steamed clams. D'oh, no. I said steamed hams. That's what I call hamburgers. You call hamburgers steamed hams?

Shut up, Updike!

"Last entry: I have mountaineered to the utmost, "but the peak is unclimbable. "Worse still, that treacherous skunk, Abe Simpson, stole my oxygen and tried to eat my left arm." ew, Dad!

Hmm. Phone's off the hook. Everything must be okay. Aw, I'm gonna give your liver such a punchin'!

It'll only be till we finish our tour of Sweden.

And Bart is set for the week. Oh, no. Sorry, Mrs. S. He was kinda disrupting things at work. Yeah. He ruined nap time and quiet time. Oh, Homie, you poor thing.

all my soul within me burning, soon again I heard a tapping, something louder than before.

Wait! Don't go! My stock will have a slight rebound in 2003. I had nothing. (TIRES SCREECHING) They even took my repo vans.

Too many wee ones!

Well, if you wanted to make Serak the Preparer cry, mission accomplished. You aren't the only beings who have emotions, you know.

Listen! Ned Flanders murdered his wife! But why? She's such a fox. I mean, what's on Fox tonight? Something ribald, no doubt.

I've seen teams suck before, but they were the suckiest bunch of sucks that ever sucked. Homer, watch your mouth! I gotta go. My damn wiener kids are listening. We are not wieners. Then what are you dressed like that for?

That's depressing.

Flanders! Stop that! Eyes bigger than your stomach, eh, wolfie?

Many dancing people covered with blood, gore and glop just one sniff of that fog And you're inside out it's worse than that flesh-eating virus You've read about

The-- The Leader?

Stop it! Stop it, I say!

Hello. I'm an electric car. I can't go very fast or very far. And if you drive me, people will think you're gay. One of us! One of us!

Stephen Hawking! The world's smartest man! What are you doing here? I wanted to see your utopia. But now I see it is more of a Fruitopia. I'm sure what Dr. Hawking means is-- Silence. I don't need anyone to talk for me, except this voice box.

What the-- Who the-- Hey! You're mean.

Of all the people you have known... who might have reason to do you ill? Hmm. Well, there's Mr. Burns, Fat Tony... the emperor of Japan, ex-President Bush- The late Frank Grimes. PBS, Stephen Hawking, the fat little Dixie Chick. And the state of Florida.

Guess what? There's a new place at the mall... that puts your picture on a T-shirt. I got two dollars off because mine got smeared.

Ah, geez, there's always a line.

Would someone name a profession. Loser principal! Uh, I think I heard "California surfer." You suck, Seymour!

Hooray, hooray Shh!

McBain to base. Under attack by Commie Nazis.

Oh, it's so beautiful! One churro, please. That'll be $14. Here.

She's teething.

Come on, Bart. If I can teach Maggie to waltz, I can teach you.

Today the judge wants you to bend over, so people can spank you from their cars. Well, that explains the sign. Yeah! Ooh, here comes a car. Yarr, ya scurvy dogs! Worst parents ever! Ha-ha! Hey! No extension cords!

Check out all the left-wing celebrities. Elmo go to wrong fundraiser. Bill Clinton? What are you doing here? I called the Republican tax cuts unwise. And I stand by it. They're unwise.

I'll teach you how to use a phone, you boob! Ring! Ring! Ring! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! - It's for you. - D'oh!

Thank you. I just wish Ben and Hoss and Little joe... and Hop Sing and Sheriff Roy and all your favorites... could be alive today to see this wonderful turnout. You know, on the series, we were always trying to kill the Cartwrights.

You know what the song says. It's hip to be square. That song is so lame. So lame that it's... cool? No. Am I cool, kids? - No. - Good. I'm glad. And that's what makes me cool-- not caring. Right? No. Well, how the hell do you be cool?

The murderer's blade is covered with blood. But the handle is covered with something else. The unmistakable fragrance of eel pie. Hey, lots of people like eel pie! Yeah? Well, how many of them have mutton chops? And why can't you be more like Eddie? He never says a word against me. Well, that's because you cut out his tongue.

This is Kent Brockman live from Barney's Bowlarama, where local pinhead, Homer Simpson, is on the verge of a perfect game! Hey, there was no accident at the plant. Dad just wanted to go bowling. He shouldn't have deceived me, but I'm just so relieved Lenny's okay.

From this day forward, I shall call myself Radioactive Man ! So that's how it happened. I would've thought... being hit by an atomic bomb would've killed him. Now you know better. Turn the page, Bart.

And I could teach you to count cards. Eh. I already got a system.

Hurts, don't it? Right. Do you know what a wet willie is? - Is it this? - Hey, baby!

He's horny. He's the love-matic grampa - and he filled our hearts - with

james Woods. Previous job experience?

Back away, not today Disco lady Have you been in here all day? You missed all the fun.

(BLOWING WHISTLE)

What the hell was I thinking?

The guys who wrote this show don't know squat. Itchy should've tied Scratchy's tongue with a taut-line hitch, not a sheet bend. Oh, Bart. Cartoons don't have to be 100% realistic.

Ooh, a redneck bar.

Evening, Simpson. You've got a short in your taillight. Started blinking when you made that turn. Let's see your chauffeur's license. Chauffeur's license, eh? Mel, buckle your borscht belt! Uh, since you're trying to make a getaway in park, I'm guessing you don't have a license.

Good heavens, Smithers. They're not afraid of me anymore. Hey, Mr. Burns, did you get that letter I sent? Letter? I don't recall-- That's because I forgot to stamp it! Ah, that kid slays me.

I need you to take care of me, to put up with me... and most of all, I need you to love me, because I love you. But how do I know I can trust you? Marge, look at me. We've been separated for a day, and I'm as dirty as a Frenchman.

"Number one, break up with Squishee girl." Well, that's a no-brainer. "Number two, lose weight. "Number three, get cartoon published in New Yorker. "Number four, legally change name to 'Slime Q. Slimedog.' Number five, wear name tag that says same."

Four pounds of grease. That comes to... 63 cents. Whoo-hoo! Dad, all that bacon cost $27. Yeah, but your mom paid for that. But doesn't she get her money from you? And I get my money from grease.

Shut up! I wasn't done yet. I'm just saying we could blow all our money... on a stupid little street, but--

Bart Simpson? The spirited little scamp who twice foiled my evil schemes... and sent me to this dank, urine-soaked hellhole? Uh, we object to the term "urine-soaked hellhole"... when you could have said "peepee-soaked heckhole."

Marge, did you hear me zing werewolf Flanders? Diddly! Flanders! Stop that!

Well, leave it to good ol' Mary Bailey to finally step in and do something... about that hideous genetic mutation. Mary Bailey.

Hey! What the-- Hey! Hey! You're taking our grease! It's our grease now. We run the grease racket in this town. Hey, that's my shovel! We also run the shovel racket.

The city of Washington was built on a stagnant swamp... some 200 years ago and very little has changed. It stank then and it stinks now. Only today, it is the fetid stench of corruption that hangs in the air.

Never! Okay, you asked for it. I'm gonna enjoy this.

Crumb-bums? Nobody calls me a crumb-bum!

You die now! Whoa! Hey!

Oh, yuck. Meat loaf. My most hated of all loafs. That was the end piece! That's it! Being abusive to your family is one thing, but I will not stand idly by and watch you feed a hungry dog!

Oh, my God! He's got the precious cable-TV cable!

Oh! And here's a picture of me in outer space. You... went into outer space? You? Sure. You've never been? Would you like to see my Grammy award?

(MUMBLES) He's right, Chief. Inspector Wiggum, you are the most famous member of Scotland Yard. Why would you do this? Well, the fact is I wanted to come up with a case even you couldn't solve. And besides... So long, you stupid British twits! Oh!

There's been a shocking decline in the quality and quantity of your toadying, Waylon, and you will fall into line now! No. No, Monty, I won't. Not until you step back from the brink of insanity. I'll do no such thing! You're fired!

Oh. And who is Warren Burke? He used to tune our piano before we got rid of it. He grew up in Mechanicsburg.

All I can give you are these chewable Prozac for kids. Your choice-- Manic-depressive Mouse or the Bluebird of Unhappiness.

WILLIE: Look at me. I'm Milhouse. I tuck my shirt into me underpants. (ALL LAUGHING) WILLIE: I've got no friends. So I confide in Willie. (LAUGHING LOUDLY) (GIGGLING NERVOUSLY) Oh, that's good...

Maybe we can make you boys a deal. Your mission is to find the fireworks smugglers... and get them to say something incriminating on this tape. "Hootie and the Blowfish"? Yeah. It's cheaper than blank tape. Great idea to smuggle fireworks, boss.

The Catholic Church-- we've made a few changes.

What is that? A quarter? A Chuck E. Cheese token? No! It's a Sacagawea dollar. You can trade it in at the bank for a real dollar! Huh?

(CHUCKLES SOFTLY) (CHOKING) You ate meat. You ate meat. You ate fruit. You ate fruit. (COUGHING) (GRUNTING)

Uh, upstate New York. Really. Well, I'm from Utica, and I've never heard anyone use the phrase "steamed hams." Oh, not in Utica. No. It's an Albany expression. I see.

Men. Boo! Canceled.

"Asleep at the switch"? I wasn't asleep. I was drunk! I believe you, Dad. Well, no matter what the paper says, I still have a job to do.

And then afterwards--

Hold it, son. Wouldn't you rather have an exciting action figure? Ah, but only Batman fits in my Batmobile. Are you nuts? The Thing fits in there perfectly. Look. He's fitting right now.

I don't have time for that. Welcome. I am honored to accept your waste. They're years ahead of us. Mom! Lise! Check it out. Dad's on TV.

has been rated TV "G." This means there will be no raunchy NBC-style sex... or senseless CBS-style violence. So sit back and enjoy a night of worry-free-- What the fudge-- Oh, for Pete's sake!

Very nice, Homer. Wow! How many Pulitzer Prize winners can do that?

Now, Ned, you may remember...

Lemonade ? Please.

Excuse me, son. Wow! joe Namath. That's right. My car broke down in front of your house. Oh, I cannot believe you are here. Do you think maybe you could give me some pointers? Sure. There's only one thing you need to know... to be a great quarterback.

Just some network executives. We have notes. Have you thought about Dave Chappelle? Destroy!

Uh, they'd be much happier as ghosts. You don't look so happy. Oh, I'm happy. I'm very happy. La, la, la, la, la, la, la. See?

I suppose you're all wondering where I've been. It all started a week ago. I was at my desk, revising and updating the school dress code... when I was confronted by A gang of toughs... acting on behalf of one Bart Simpson... or so they said.

Precious Venus.

Oh, yeah, I got that.

Well, this is my day and we do, sir. All right ! We eat tonight ! Wait a minute. One, two, three.

So, uh, you don't like the old-time bikes, huh?

We're just a couple of dreamers who set the bar a little too high.

Hey, fun boys! Get a room!

Eh, Congressman, this is where it gets awkward. I-- I never quite know how to put this. I just want to-- Offer me a bribe? Oh, what is it?

Wait, wait, wait. Here comes Lee Marvin. Thank God. He's always drunk and violent.

You wanted to see me, Tex ? Homer, we both knew when you began doin' this... you weren't gonna be here forever. Oh. Oh ! Oh ! I get it ! You can't fire the players, so you fire the mascot. You make me sick. Homer, I'm not firin' you.

I'm not going to lie to you. Those are all superior machines. But if you like to watch your TV, and I mean really watch it, you want the CarnivalÉ. It features two-pronged wall plug, pre-molded hand-grip well, durable outer casing to prevent fall-apart.

- Have you noticed any change in Bart? - New glasses? No. He looks like something might be disturbing him. Probably misses his old glasses. I guess we could get more involved in Bart's activities, but then I'd be afraid of smothering him. Yeah, and then we'd get the chair. That's not what I meant. It was, Marge. Admit it.

(MURMURS) Oh, Roger, I just love our present lifestyle. Don't thank me. Thank our many debts and obligations. (SCREAMS) (GAGGING) Honey! Stop kidding around! Honey?

No, say "Present." "Anita Bath." All right. Settle down. Anita Bath here? All right. Fine. Fine. Uh, "Maya Buttreeks."

Most folk'll never lose a toe and then again, Some folk'll Like Cletus the Slack-jawed Yokel

Har-dee-har-har. Get it ? Oh, yeah. Hi, guys. Great to see ya. Get lost, Poindexter. Yeah, beat it, Professor. Why don't you go build a rocket ship, brainiac ?

There it is. Our new home. Whee! I love America! Abe, supper's on! We had to move out once we'd filled the hat with garbage. The end.

No, no! What am I thinking? Burns and Teammate. - We made it, old friend! - We sure did. - Huzzah! - Whoo-hoo!

You know, Conan, I have a lot to say. I'm not just a one-line wonder. Did you know... that a section of rain forest the size of Kansas is burned every single-- just do the line. I didn't do it. Great material.

It's the imaginary tale where Radioactive Man marries Larvae Girl. Wow. Number nine. That's before Fallout Boy became his ward.

It seems our leaders are not all-knowing. Now I will question everything! Why doesn't Pearl Jam ever come here? (ALL PROTESTING)

Y'ello. Mr. Burns's office. Is it about my cube?

I'm not sure if I'm comfortable with the idea... of your classmates laughing at our family's private moments. How would you like it if 20 years from now... people were laughing at things you did? Not likely. Come on. Have a sense of humor about yourself. I'm a big boy today.

Well, if that don't put the "dink" in co-inky-dink.

Oh, people can come up with statistics to prove anything, Kent. Forty percent of all people know that. I see. What do you say to the accusation... that your group has been causing more crimes than it's been preventing? Oh, Kent, I'd be lying if I said my men weren't committing crimes. Hmm, touchÉ.

Lisa Simpson ! Lisa, there's no room for crazy bebop in "My Country 'Tis of Thee." But Mr. Largo, that's what my country's all about. What ? I'm wailing out for the homeless family living out of its car. The Iowa farmer whose land has been taken away by unfeeling bureaucrats. The West Virginia coal miner, coughing up--

That painting has always sparked my imagination. That's it! A novel about whaling! That's something you haven't seen before. Thank you, Scene From Moby-Dick.

They make The Blue Man Group look like Mummenschanz, which is still pretty good. Oh, the second one wants custard, too? That's a little repetitive.

Hey, where's Charlie? How'd he get outta this? Aw, he's at home on disability. He got injured on the job, and they sent him home with pay. It's like a lottery that rewards stupidity. Stupidity, eh? Must hurt self. Must hurt self. Must hurt self.

Look, Marge, that guy has the same last name we do. Taxi!

What'd you get that for? For knocking Mr. Burns out of a third-story window. Makes sense to me. Did he die? What am I, a doctor?

'Cause I took my marriage for granted. You know, in 12 years, I never once helped out with the housework. Oh, yeah, you gotta do that. I could have at least stayed in shape for her. Oh, and for yourself. I could have taken just a little time to-- to make her feel special. It can't just be sex. It can't!

Wait till he finds what I left in his birdbath.

Your eyes will burst, and some horrible stuff-- possibly your brains-- will start coming out through your nose.

Next, we have Moe the bartender in Moe Better Booze. Money gets you one more round Drink it down you stupid clown Money gets you one more round Or you're out on your ass Whoa! Ah, my back!

Hey. Wait a minute. Hold on here. This bandstand wasn't double-bolted. Huh.

Hey, what's goin' on? Hey, this thing's cuttin' off my air! Oh! What are you doing to me? I said start it at 60 r.p.m., then move it up to 100 on the skirt blow! - Sorry, Krusty, I choked. - You choked? You choked?

I'd like to remind them that as a trusted TV personality, I can be helpful in rounding up others... to toil in their underground sugar caves. Mmm. Don't worry, kids. I'm sure your father's all right. What are you basing that on, Mom? Who wants gingersnaps?

Uh-huh. Oh... just promise me you won't play any more practical jokes. I promise. Mama. Mama. Maggie, you talked!

Oh, there's so much I don't know about astrophysics. I wish I read that book by that wheelchair guy.

Turn it up! Turn it up!

What? I'm not fat enough already? How could you say that to me? (CRYING) Lisa, wait! (GRUNTING)

Will you shut up? Hey, I thought you never talked. Uh, I didn't mean to. Huh. It just slipped out. Oh, God! Now Penn's gonna beat me. Folks, it's all part of the act. No, it isn't. Don't leave me alone with him! You've ruined the act! I'm gonna kill you! He'll do it. I'm not the first Teller.

Rational Thinking, Reasonable Future. I'm getting this book on U.F.O.'s. Did you know they're real? But there's a huge government conspiracy to cover it up. Oh, that's just a paranoid fantasy.

ANNOUNCER: The Super Bowl Half-time Show. From its humble origins in Super Bowl I... (TUBA PLAYING) ...to the marriage of Pac-Man and Ms. Pac-Man in Super Bowl XVI. I now pronounce you Pac-Man and wife.

And they read Newsweek instead of nothing! Come on, you gloomy Gusses. Who's up for a big bowl on nonfat ice milk? I want wintergreen. Unflavored for me.

J Long after the viewer's J J interest is gone J J Oh, yeah, Weird A/ had fan on this showJ J Even if it was just a brief cameo JJ

Da. How can you get a buzz chewing freeze-dried beer? - Wha-- - Huh? It's Suds McDuff! With a shuttle craft of genuine draft! Whoo-ha! Ooh! A party.

Yep. Almost got tenure too. No! Not Brown! Brown. Brown. Brown. Lisa, you're saying "Brown" an awful lot. Are you okay?

we must suffer through the Apocalypse.

Hey, that smells like regular. She needs premium, dude! Premium, dude!

(CLICKING) (LAUGHING IN FRENCH ACCENT) (LAUGHING IN JAPANESE ACCENT) (LAUGHING IN BOTSWANAN ACCENT) (MIMICKING SEAL LAUGHTER) Stupid Internet. Whole world laughing at me.

On account of my eye patch,

Lisa! Lisa! Hey, Lisa! They're only using you for your pool, you know. Shut up, brain. I got friends now. I don't need you anymore.

Mr. President, your welfare proposal... is nothing but a lot of technical jargon and partisan rhetoric and-- Get off me, Mr. President! That's what you get for not hailing to the chimp.

Well, I would prefer we kept your marriage a secret. A lot of women are going to want to have sex with you, and, uh, we want them to think they can. Well, if I explain it to Marge that way, I'm sure she'll understand.

Gavin, don't you already have this game?

So how about a movie tomorrow night? Sounds great. I think Ned is gonna be all right.

Great news, everyone. Goliath is dead! Although I haven't seen his body, the blast that failed to kill me surely killed the giant. Anyhoo, now that I'm your king again--

I'm calling the dog warden right now ! Oh, are you ? Well, you go ahead... and call your precious dog warden, you old battle axe, because my dog is tied up in the backyard. There's only one family on this block-- no, on earth-- inconsiderate enough... to let a monster like that roam free !

Maybe I'm not getting enough... estrogen.

where, after eight months and nine Academy Awards, The itchy and Scratchy Movie is showing for the last time. Tomorrow, a new movie starring Liza Minnelli and Mickey Rourke will open. Will it be as successful? Only time will tell.

Look on the bright side, Dad. Did you know that... the Chinese use the same word for "crisis" as they do for "opportunity"? Yes. "Cris-a-tunity!" You're right!

a world where doors were open for women like me. But Abe was stuck in his button-down... Plastic Fantastic Madison Avenue scene. Look at them sideburns! He looks like a girl. Now, johnny Unitas-- there's a haircut you could set your watch to. So, Mother Simpson, where did your newfound sense of irresponsibility take you?

And just go at your own pace. Wow! Very impressive. You're a natural, Mr. Simpson. Really? Uh-huh. All you need is your own set of clubs. And stay the hell out of my locker! You can keep the shoes.

Larry Flynt is right! You guys stink!

Hmm. Who's that goat-legged fellow? I like the cut of his jib. Uh, Prince of Darkness, sir. He's your 11:00.

(SINGING DRUNKENLY) Oh, you poor man. You think you can dance. I didn't say stop. (CONTINUES SINGING DRUNKENLY)

Marge, I'm really sorry I hurt you. But I've done way worse stuff since then. There was the gun I hid from you. The time I sued the church. Ruining Lisa's wedding in the future. Remember that?

What am I gonna do ? I've murdered us all ! I've murdered us all ! I've murdered us all ! Shut up ! Shut up ! Shut up ! D-oh ! D-oh ! D-oh !

We love him he loves we we're the leader's family These lima beans are even better than the ones we had for breakfast and lunch.

My bongo drums! My strobe light! My Best of Ray Stevens Featuring "The Streak" album. So it was the dog that buried all our stuff. Yes, the dog.

Lean on me when you're not strong and I'll be your friend I'll help you Carry on For it won't be long

Release the hounds.

Huh? What the-- The dreaded Osaka flu has hit Springfield with over 300 cases now reported.

Would we? Oh, I love to perambulate It's standing still I really hate So let me please reiterate I love to-- - D'oh! Oh, my feet are inside me.

Superintendent Chalmers, can I offer you a cup of coffee-flavored Bevarine? Yes. I take it gray, with Creamium.

It's a fairy tale.

"I engaged in intercourse with your spouse or significant other." Now, that's psychiatry! Huh? Huh?

I want to thank my guests, TÉa Leoni, Beck-- The Dixie Chicks-- Merry Christmas, y'all. and Patrick Ewing as the genie. So have a merry Christmas, happy Hanukkah, "kwazy" Kwanzaa, a tip-top Tet...

- JJ - Yeah! But there's lots of other fun instruments, like bass. I hope you wont judge the entire Brian Setzer Orchestra by my actions. Rock and roll is supposed to be about peace and love. - Who said that? - Will you stop saying that? - Simpson! - S h h _

Oh, I thought I'd check out the Warner Brothers Network. We're proud to present on the W.B. Another bad show that no one Will see I need a drink.

Hurry up, son. I'm sorry. I can't read! Mrs. Krabappel never taught me to read! Is this true, Edna? Oh, God! I've created a Prankenstein! Wait! That boy is lying! He's not illiterate! And he's good around the potty too!

Well, I believe you're required to provide a vegetarian alternative. Yum. It's rich in bunly goodness. Do you remember when you lost your passion for this work? Uh-oh. Two independent thought alarms in one day.

Then the prince and the princess... got married... and lived happily ever after. Then what happened? Uh-- They had 30 sons and 30 daughters. What were their names?

That arranged can be. Wha-- Aaah!

Bart's teacher is named Krabappel? I've been calling her Crandall. Why didn't someone tell me? Oh, I've been making an idiot out of myself!

You don't win friends with salad You don't win friends with salad You don't win friends with salad You don't win friends with salad You don't win friends with salad You don't win friends with salad You don't win friends with salad You don't win friends with salad - You don't win friends with salad Mom!

Later, as I prepared to bathe, I noticed, to my horror, that someone had slashed the pillow. Mm-hmm. Who called the police? We both did. Look, why don't you two settle down? I'm sure you can get another pillow. I could send it back to Taiwan for repair, but why should I have to?

to have and to hold, in sickness and in health... till death do you part? I do.

To even gaze upon it is to go mad. They're dogs, and they're playing poker! Aaah! We had a story to go with this painting, but it was far too intense.

I have nothing to offer you but my love. I specifically said "no geeks." But my mom says I'm cool. Next.

Well, it's time to get to work. Humanitarian Homer Simpson, over and out. Gather round, everyone. I'm gonna teach you about religion. Oh, God, oh, God, oh, God--

Come on, Bart. Ride me. I better not. He's insulting both of us. Let's go.

You're just mad because everyone in this town loves gambling except for you! Well, that's just sad.

I'm sorry, Lisa. People go to a children's dance recital... expecting a certain level of professionalism. But-But you don't understand-- I ate too much plastic candy. Heavens to betsy. The star of the show is sick. Whatever will we do? There's only one person who can get us out of this pickle. Lisa?

Excellent. Not a trace of urine. Seymour, you run a tight ship. Well, you know what they say, sir. "Where there's no smoke, there's no fire." What an odd remark. Why, that looks like a 50-cent piece. I'll just bend over and get it. Seems to be caught...

They're years ahead of us. Mom! Lise! Check it out. Dad's on TV. Oh, yeah!

- Grampa, come on. - Dead! Dead! Dead! Dead! Dead! Dead! All right, Grampa. I'll help you get your license back. Whoo-hoo! And I want driving gloves. No way! Dead! Dead! Dead! Dead!

If somebody's in here, you're in for some serious ass forkin'! Huh. Well, maybe they're in the media room.

Cool, personalized plates. "Barclay, Barry, Bert, Bort!" Aw, come on. Bort?

We thespians believe it's bad luck to mention the name of this particular play out loud. You mean Macbeth? Quiet, you blundering fool! You'll curse us all!

Everything lasts forever. Don't you see?

Whew! Well, at least I got a hunk of Moe's hair. Man, that smarts!

Bart's gay? Bart? Uh-- Whoo! Wrong file.

You might say I feel like Radiation Man. That's "Radioactive Man," jerk ! I, uh, stand corrected. Well, have fun, and be sure to clear out by 6:00 for the Shriners. Get that punk's name. No one makes a fool out of Diamond joe Quimby.

Yes! Yeah! All right! Those beers are five dollars apiece.

Everyone, turn around and look at this. What is it? A Unitarian?

- Barry White. - No. It says here Larry White. I know my own name. Yeah? Well, we'll see. Ladies and gentlemen, my unlimited love to y'all. It's truly an honor to be here at this-- Hey, what is this all about anyway?

Tonight on Eye on Springfield, opening day at the world's first two-story Outhouse. Oh, God! Stop! A comedy nurse who's laughing all the way to the blood bank. Okay. How many of you are here for shoulder surgery, huh?

Well, hold the phone, Dora. A new challenger has emerged out of nowhere. He's running on sheer pluck, moxie and grit. All of which he'll be tested for after the race. Hey, I "winna" the race! Viva Italia! Folks, our winner seems to be from Italy.

That Urkel's a hoot. Listen to 'em. Watching my television, sitting on my couch. You'd better not be in my ass groove! Homer! It took me years to forge that groove. One of them's playing my saxophone. Oh, no. The spit valve!

Lanley hired me to build his monorail. He cut corners everywhere-- bad wiring, faulty brakes.

I can't help it if I donated the most blood. Ohh. I'm feeling kinda woozy.

You dunking your sausages in that syrup, homeboy? Marge, tell Bart I just want to drink a nice glass of syrup like I do every morning.

Oh, can we keep him, dad, please ? But he's a loser ! He's pathetic ! He's-- A Simpson.

and kicked me out of the club.

Um, I'm looking for something in an after-dinner burrito.

I'll mace you good!

God bless the idiot-proof Air Force. They're gone!

But so what? Animation is built on plagiarism. If it weren't for someone plagiarizing The Honeymooners, we wouldn't have The Flintstones. If someone hadn't ripped off Sergeant Bilko, there'd be no Top Cat. Huckleberry Hound? Chief Wiggum? Yogi Bear? Ha! Andy Griffith. Edward G. Robinson. Art Carney.

(SIGHING) Birthday?

Nyah-nyah, nyah-nyah, la, la, la...

Hello, I'm Troy McClure. You may remember me from such Fox Network specials as... Alien Nose job, and five fabulous weeks of The Chevy Chase Show. Tonight, we're here to honor America's favorite... non-prehistoric cartoon family.

or go to hell!"

Please take these free tickets to my play. What? What play? We thespians believe it's bad luck to mention the name of this particular play out loud. You mean Macbeth? Quiet, you blundering fool! You'll curse us all! What? By saying Macbeth?

Lyrics are the hardest part of songwriting. But when you come up with something meaningful and heartfelt- Boring! Will you stop saying that?

I am so smart I am so smart I am so smart I am so smart S-M-R-T I mean, S-M-A-R-R-T

Um... is it right to buy a Chrysler? Yes-- for great is the car with power steering and Dyna-Flo suspension. Papa? When I grow up, can I be a clown? No! A clown is not respected. I'll make people laugh. Herschel, life is serious. Seltzer is for drinking, not for spraying.

Who the devil are you? Don't panic. just come up with a good story. My name is Mr. Burns. D'oh!

Bringing in the sheaves Bringing in the Oh, my Lord. Something horrible has happened! Fooled ya, Flanders. Made you think your family was dead.

Wave of the future! That's right, honey.

Oh! This may surprise you, but you can't buy me off with food. I'm sick of all your stereotypes and cheap jokes. The overweight individuals in this country... are just as smart and talented and hardworking as everybody else. And they're gonna make their voices heard.

This will never happen again. You can have anything you want. You can sleep on my bed, you can chew on slippers. Yeah, he's a good doggie.

the "I didn't do it" boy, ventriloquist loni Anderson, Ooh! Spike Lee, and the always lovely and vivacious head of Kitty Carlisle. Hi, everybody! Let's start the game!

Oh, Selma, dear-- you and your little camera. What do you say we shut it off for a while? And make love? I suppose so. Oh, that's sweet.

because you have good intentions!

Yeah, you can't have any fun in bed. Oh, son, when you're older, you'll know better. Mmm. Oh, baby. Mmm. Yeah.- Oh, they're here.

I admit I used the city treasury to fund the murder of my enemies. But as Gabbo would say, "I'm a bad widdle boy."

Think unsexy thoughts. Think unsexy thoughts. Think unsexy thoughts.

They're like this every rainy day.

Jiminy jillickers, Radioactive Man!

Oh, I wish, I wish I hadn't killed that fish.

This way, your parents won't have to wait until report card time to punish you. How innovative. I like it. Hey, Dolph, take a memo in your Newton. Beat up Martin. Bah! Yeow!

More, more, more How do you like it How do you like it More, more, more How do you like it How do you like it More, more, more How do you like it--

Ready for that drink, sir? just a second. Let me introduce you to the gang. That's Buzz, that's Honey. And you see that queen? Her name is Smithers.

This is the happiest day of my life-- Hi-yi-ya! Got it! No shock for me! Oh, yeah? Whoa! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!

Mmm, chocolate. D'oh! Marge, we need some more vanilla, chocolate and strawberry ice cream. I'll get some at the store tomorrow, Homer.

Thirteen bucks ? Hey, wait a minute. That's right. $120 gross. Less Social Security, less unemployment insurance, - less Santa training... - Santa training ? less costume purchase, less beard rental, less Christmas club. But-- But-- See ya next year. Ohh ! Come on, Dad. Let's go home.

Good thing you turned on that TV, Lisa. I didn't turn it on. I thought you turned it on. No. Well, anyway, turn it off. It is off.

You... Why, you little... (CHOKING) You need a reason for strangling, do you... I'll fix your wagon...

Oh, sorry, folks. Gee, I really hate to spoil this little love-in, but Mr. Malloy broke the law. And when you break the law, you gotta go to jail. That reminds me. Here's your monthly kickback. You just-- You couldn't have picked a worse time.

There goes the last lingering thread of my heterosexuality.

I'm afraid that would violate the fire code. Hey, fatty! I got a movie for ya. A Fridge Too Far. Shame on all of you. Give me my dignity. I just came here to see Honk if You're Horny! in peace. Sir, if you just quiet down, I'd be happy to treat you to a garbage bag full of popcorn.

I don't know how you did it, Homer, but you certainly solved that budget crisis. What the hell is that? Uh, nothing. Now, uh, you were saying how great I was.

I can't believe how much we have in common. We're both studying the environment, we're both utterly humorless about our vegetarianism, and we both love the Rolling Stones. Yes, not For their music, but for their tireless efforts to preserve historic buildings.

Broke again, eh, Herb? Just like in real life. I guess you're just not much of a businessman.

Willie, help them with their bags. Now, he may try to slobber on your crotch. I’ve been around Scotsmen.

while you spend the afternoon watching unpredictable Mexican sitcoms. ¡Ay, el estÓmago! Run along, you little scamp.

If he's got everything where it should be I'm reeling him in.

Happy first "A" Bart Simpson Happy first "A" To you Hey! Yes!

And now, we return to Fox Night at the Movies. Homer s.: Portrait of an Ass Grabber, starring Dennis Franz.

If it doesn't fit, you must acquit. Therefore, I shall resign the presidency. That's one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind.

Oh, your mother's not pregnant, is she? No. I got hit by a couple of cars. I won't be able to play today. Yes! Oh, boy. Well, I'll just have to go to my backup plan. Nelson, how's your arm feeling? Great! Good. Take this note over to the referee. "We forfeit"?

- Thanks for coming. - I please to aim. I'm so happy. I just had to tell someone. I have a boyfriend.

Why all the black? Why all the pearls? Why all the hair? Why anything?

Hey, Clinton, get back to work. Make me. They're having a great time, and I'm stuck in here.

This enormous woman will devour us all! Aaah! I-- I meant the statue.

Ow! That's it! Dad, that was really mean. I know, sweetie. And I got him right in the-- Uh-oh! Uh, hi, Flanders. Go, Wildcats. Do you have a problem with the way I'm coaching?

Now, calm down, Neddilly-diddilly-diddilly- diddilly-diddilly. They did their best. Shodilly-idilly- iddilly-diddilly. Gotta be nice. Hostility- diddilly-diddilly-diddilly-- Aw, hell! Diddily-ding-dong crap!

I recommend Moscow, where the American dollar buys seven rubles. Twelve rubles. Sixty rubles. 1,000 rubles! I must go!

I can't believe we paid to see a band... with Steve Guttenberg, Calista Flockhart, and Farty the Crippled Robot. Look who's in my fart-- O.J. I'm gonna kill you all. Aaah. Aaah. Aaah. Cartoon violence! Cartoon violence!

What do you mean? You've clearly taken items from the candy rack and placed them... on top of the doughnut in an attempt to pass them off as sprinkles. Well, it was like that when I got here. It really was! A Mounds bar is not a sprinkle. A Twizzler is not a sprinkle. A jolly Rancher is not a sprinkle, sir. Perhaps in Shangri-la they are, but not here.

Puma Pride! Puma Pride! Catch the fever, Skinner! You crumb bum!

Kent Brockman at the Action News desk. A massive tanker has run aground on the central coastline... spilling millions of gallons of oil on Baby Seal Beach. Oh, no! It'll be okay, honey. There's lots more oil where that came from.

Seven, six, five, four, three, two, one! Should auld acquaintance be forgot and never

Right. Do you know what a wet willie is? - Is it this? - Hey, baby! How about puttin' your finger in my ear? Well, I don't know. Your boyfriend looks like the jealous type. Hey, what the-- That chick's messin' with our minds. Let's get out of here.

My turn. "Kwyjibo." K-W-Y-j-i-B-O. Twenty-two points, plus triple word score, plus 50 points for using all my letters. Game's over. I'm outta here. Wait a minute, you little cheater. You're not going anywhere until you tell me what a "kwyjibo" is.

Hey, Cannonball. I like your statement. When life takes a cheap shot at you, you stand your ground. Billy Corgan, Smashing Pumpkins. Homer Simpson, smiling politely. You know, my kids think you're the greatest. And thanks to your gloomy music, they've finally stopped dreaming of a future I can't possibly provide.

Hey, I thought you said Troy McClure was dead! No. What I said was he sleeps with the fishes. You see-- Uh, Tony, please! No. I just ate a whole plate of "dingamagoo."

Can you say "Mama"? Can you say "get bent"? Bart! Mr. Rogers says it all the time. He does not. Maggie, can you say "Daddy"? Daddy. Kitty. Kitty. Be-bop. Be-bop.

God wants you to lead the French army to what? Victory. Victory? We're French! We don't even have a word for it. God spoke to me. I must obey. Joan, give me your dessert. That's just you, Bart.

Oh, there's Krusty the Clown. Krusty! Krusty, say something funny.

What kind of warped human being would find that funny ?

Yabba-dabba-doo! Simpson, Homer Simpson He's the greatest guy in history From the town of Springfield

I'd like the Department of Missing Babies. Please hold. Baby, come back listen, baby you can blame it all on me I was wrong, and I just can't live without you...

I'll just write the zero first. Now a vertical line to indicate the one. Down with homework! Skinner, why are there children walking on my head?

- Let's play bingo. - Yeah! Let's play bingo. You sunk my battleship.

Oh, sweet jesus! Lisa, why don't you come sing for uS?

What about that tattoo on your chest? Doesn't it say "Die, Bart, Die"? No, that's German for-- "The Bart, The."

It cost $80 million. How do you sleep at night? On top of a pile of money with many beautiful ladies.

He'll tell you that in nature one creature invariably eats another to survive. Don't kid yourself, jimmy.

I heard your dad went into a restaurant and ate everything in the restaurant, and they had to close the restaurant. My dad may have gained a little weight, but he's not some kind of food-crazed maniac. Ah! Oh! That's raspberry. Oh.

- na-na, na-na, na-na, na-na - fishing

It must be wonderful to ring in the New Year... over and over and over. Please kill me.

Smithers, I've designed a new plane. I call it the Spruce Moose, and it will carry 200 passengers... from New York's Idlewild Airport to the Belgian Congo in 17 minutes!

because at Eastern Airlines world conquest is part of our master plan. Now enjoy the soothing music of the Turtles. It's nice and cool in here, don't you think?

Pitt, the Elder. Lord Palmerston! Pitt, the Elder! Okay, you asked for it, Boggs. Uh! Yeah, that's showing him, Barney. Pitt, the Elder. Lord Palmerston!

Bart, are you okay? Yeah, I think so. It's just a bump on my head.

I mean, hello. I guess we'll be going down together. I mean, getting off together. I mean-- That's okay. I'll just push the button for the stimulator. I mean, elevator.

(TITTERING) (SNORING) (GASPS) People bored with opera? That's impossible! (CACKLES) To failure, dear brother. Oops. (SNORING)

Take that! In the face! You knocked his block off! Come with me. Check it out. I built myself a healthy apple. But you made it out of ham cubes.

Ha! You ain't goin' nowhere, cutie.

No TV and No Beer Make Homer-- something something. Go Crazy? Don't mind if I do!

- That's why I faked my death. - But we saw your plane crash. Yeah, but I wasn't in it. just before I hit the mountain, I jumped out of the plane... into a carefully placed net.

"World's biggest pizza"?

Out of the way, you! Ahhh.

Went by the name of Homer. Seven feet tall he was, with arms like tree trunks. And his eyes were like steel, cold and hard. Had A shock of hair, red, like the fires of hell.

Tiempo para "relaxar" en paz y quieto. ¡Ay! iNaranjas en la cabeza! Whoa!

I'm riding a unicycle with my pants down. This should be every boy's dream. Ha-ha! Your dad's not handy. Son, are you okay? I brought a homemade first aid kit! It's spring-loaded for quick access.

Well, Kent, to me the high jinks of a few comic characters... absolutely pale in comparison with the crippling emotional problems... a psychiatrist runs into every day. I'm referring here to women who love too much, fear of winning, sexaholism, stuff like that.

I wanna make sure the kids don't hear. When I was young, I always hated knowing my parents were fighting. They're fighting in the car again. That music always sends a chill down my spine.

So i guess you are my hero

"'Tis better to remain silent and be thought a fool... than to open your mouth and remove all doubt." What does that mean? You better say something, or they'll think you're stupid. Takes one to know one! Swish!

"Dear Marge, You have given me your hand in marriage. "All I can give you in return is my soul, which I pledge to you forever." We've heard enough. Your Honor, we find that Homer Simpson's soul is legally the property... of Marge Simpson and not of the devil.

I rented all your favorite gorilla movies. Gorilla Squadron, Gorilla Island Vi. Apes-A-poppin'! Whoo, the airline version. Can I fluff your pillow? Nothing's too good for me. Ahh, I'm the luckiest man in the world... now that Lou Gehrig's dead.

Nelson, what are you doing? I'm solving world hunger. Hey, you're wrecking it! What the-- Look out! It's gonna blow!

I can't see through metal, Kent!

Yeah. The legend of the dog-faced woman. Legend of the dog-faced woman.

Dang fools. Drive-through's not for a-Parkin'. Diane, I'm going to take my break now. Hi, everybody!

Oh, I don't like where this is going. Your story made everyone at the orphanage so sad. We want you to have this dollar we were saving. Please, I don't deserve this. Hey, listen up, everybody. The Simpsons are the best friends I ever had. So I'm giving them the tip jar from the bar.

What the hell are you..? Oh, my couch! The arms, the seat... The dream is over. Who did this? We were sitting on the couch when we heard a creaking noise.

Whoo-hoo. Go, S.U.! A&M is gonna kick your ivy-covered butts. Yeah? Well, you went to a cow college. Oh, you're only calling us a cow college 'cause we were founded by a cow.

Dad, I know you think you're happy now, but it's not gonna last forever. Everything lasts forever.

No, Lisa. The only monster here is the gambling monster... that has enslaved your mother! I call him Gamblor! And it's time to snatch your mother from his neon claws! Marge! Where are you? Damn this casino!

Where are the dice? Daddy says dice are wicked. We just move one space at a time. It's less fun that way. Moth! Moth! Moth! Moth! Moth! Moth!

(MUSIC PLAYING ON TV) ANNOUNCER: Tonight on Celebrity Chop Shop, we sell the parts off Jason Bateman's Bentley. What did you do to my car? Dude, you've been chop shopped! Why would you do that? How am I gonna get home? Chop shop! Chop shop! (ZAPPING) Huh?

He was taking a bite, and his jaw locked. Hey, look. I can fit my entire fist in here. Hey, hey, hey. Cut it out. - What's that, Chief? - Cut it out. Bad cops, bad cops bad cops, bad cops Ooh. Buy three tubes of Mr. Blister,

J The man who shot Liberty Valance J J He shot Liberty ValanceJ J He was the bravest ofthem all JJ Nice lady.

All right, cow boy. I'll see you in "moo-nicipal" court. Good one, Chief. What? What'd I say?

Whoa ! You certainly have a lot of bowling trophies. I like you so much. They're not for bowling, Marge.

I'm me? Hey, don't jerk me around, fella.

The fingers you have used to dial are too fat. To obtain a special dialing wand,

Marge! Hey, Marge! Keep yelling, you big ape. Aren't you being a little hard on old Homie? Oh, forget about him. Let's rehearse the bottle scene. Oh! Let's not and say we did. Hmm?

Say it, Frenchy! Say "chowdah"! Never! Okay, you asked for it. I'm gonna enjoy this.

Inanimate, huh? I'll show him inanimate!

The Catholic Church-- we've made a few changes.

J But then the ocean took you backJ J My jelly, i ii miss youJ J For nowJ J i justp J Hold goo JJ

Stop it! Stand still! Maybe I can pop it back in. Oh, no. I'm going to preserve the evidence until Mom and Dad get home. And you'll never babysit again!

- I don't want it. - Friggin' kids. - Look, pal,

Uh, it's hard for us to leave when you're standing there, Mom. Push her down, Son. No one's going anywhere.

to Mr. Bob Hope! What's the mayor's name? Quimby. Beautiful. Hello, this is Bob "What the hell am I doing in Springfield" Hope. Hey, how about that Mayor Quimby? He's some golfer! His golf ball spends more time underwater than Greg Louganis.

That quilt was made by my grandmother! So... it cost you nothing. Shut up! You two are not only horrible parents, you're violent criminals. And I'm gonna lock you up till frogs do fractions.

Arr! This picture will serve me well on those lonely nights at sea.

Forget it, Bart. ts so bright out... you cant see anything in the sky except the Fox satellite.

It's sad and alarming. You were designed to alert schoolchildren about snow days and such. Well, let's get you home to Frinky. Hope your wheels still work. Oh, no, you don't.

Sir, she is not an alcoholic. You can't put me on hold! I'll put you on hold! I am a lineman for the county Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold. And I drive the main road There are eight calls ahead of you.

lntransigence. Daddy made it for your dance recital, honey! Dad, you do care! Damn right! You’re number one on my menu. Now supersize it! With you here, I cant fail. Attention, everyone! l was asked to take a dive, but I wont do it.

Hello! Itchy and Scratchy Land, open for business. Who are you to resist it, huh? Come on. My last paycheck bounced. My children need wine.

You are fully bonded and licensed by the city, aren't you, Mr. Plow? Shut up, boy.

Patience, my pet. And the Americans jump out to an early lead. Although we should point out... that many of the other women represent countries that don't have swimming pools.

77y my new K rusty Rib wich.

You wet your pants! Shut up! It's a serious problem!

Let's see. I rigged the mayoral elections, I tried to blow up Springfield with a nuclear device, and I tried to kill you. Oh, yeah, yeah. And whenever I could find a spare moment, I've tried to murder... Bart Simpson. He said "tried"!

"Moon Pie." What a time to be alive. Hey, who unplugged my freezer? Return to your state of living death at once, sir. Is that you, Apu? Whoa! Time has ravaged your once-youthful looks.

That's preposterous. Now get out. You're banned from this historical society. You and your children and your children's children. For three months.

Ah, that kid slays me.

Hmm? Hmm. Who are you? The spirit of Cesar Chavez. Why do you look like Cesar Romero? Because you don't know what Cesar Chavez looks like. Why are you here? To tell you not to give up. Oh, but I wanna. He's talking to himself, sir.

I don't need any serving suggestions from you, you barbecue-wrecking, know-nothing, know-it-all. That's it! I can't live in a house with this prehistoric carnivore! I am out of here! That's it! Go to your room!

- Good shot, Toddsky. - Luck.

f Monkey Cackling f Okay, tribes, it's been a rough week. Rhino, you lost the tribe's fishing equipment. And we saw a dramatic collapse in the lion-gazelle alliance. Oh, I hate reality shows.

See, while the unprepared are still sitting around twiddling their thumbs and going--

You missed the baby. You missed the blind man.

You might have noticed Daddy acting a little strange, and you probably don't understand why. - I understand why. You were wasted. - I admit it. I didn't know when to say when. I'm sorry it happened, and I just hope you didn't lose a lot of respect for me. Dad, I have as much respect for you as I ever did or ever will. Oh !

Wow, Dad. You're surfin' like a pro. Oh, yeah. I'm betting on jai alai in the Cayman Islands. I invested in something called News Corp-- Dad! That's Fox! Undo! Undo!

Hey. Take that. Take this. Come here, you little squirt.

No offense, but we're putting that bitch on ice.

The geek shall inherit the earth.

This profession can put a lot of strain on a marriage. Since he's been gone, I've been looking for a substitute... to teach me a lesson I sorely need. Mrs. Krabappel, you're trying to seduce me. Well ?

Today only, we'll throw in a free autograph. But wait! There's more! Hello, this is Tom Clancy.

than boys, and when-- Hello, handsome.

Warning! Warning! Dr. Smith refuses to do his astro chores. Why, you clattering clank of cogs and-- My dear lady, as you well know, my back is a disaster area. D'oh, the pain! D'oh, the pain of it all! Danger! Danger! My hooks are flailing wildly!

Can I have money to buy Bart a birthday present? Money. Dad, this is $110. Oh, Sorry. That's righteous. Funky See, Funky Do will be back to lip-synch one of their hits right after this.

Hey, Blink-182l We have names, you know. Whatever. You can crank it up.

And in 1935, our honoree took a bullet for Huey Long. NO-O-o! And now, Springfield's oldest citizen-- he is, like, totally venerable--

only to have the rubber band fly off and hit you right in the eye? Never. But it's my number-one concern.

Think of the children. Won't somebody please think of the children!

Seems like I'm spending all my money on religious pay-per-view. Or, as I like to call it, "pray-per-view." Damn your sparkling wordplay! And bless your humble home.

Let the bears pay the bear tax. I pay the Homer tax. That's the homeowner tax. Well, anyway, I'm still outraged.

Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Whee! Okay. We have our choice of Rectangle Land, Cube Country or Squaresville. Squaresville sounds pretty cool.

Here's our room. Homer, you're supposed to slide those doors open. I don't have time for that.

I can't believe I destroyed the Earth. Are you still talking about the Earth? You're right. I gotta let it go. All that counts is we're alive and rubbing elbows with the greats. Ooh! There's Ross Perot. Dr. Laura. Spike Lee. Wait a minute. They're not so great.

All right, we're here. Let us never speak of the shortcut again.

Mmm. Now, what were we talking about, boy? Uh, we were talking about the time you beat jury duty. Oh, yeah. The trick is... to say you're prejudiced against all races.

Seven, six, five, four, three, two, one! Should auld acquaintance be forgot

if the sea captain could be in the show, why not me? I've even got a catchphrase. Nyah! Whaa! Whaa, whaa, whaa! Now I lost it. Then, another bombshell.

Hey, Frosty, you want some snow, man? We discussed this, and I said no. Now, here's a clip from 1973.

Yay! Whee! It's a miracle no one was hurt.

Hey, if you want cool, check this out. Everybody if you can do the bartman Shake your body turn it out if you cancan Do the bartman, yeah That is so 1991.

I'd kill for a beer. Uh, right away, sir. I-I-I don't want no trouble. Hmm. I'd stab somebody for a pickle. Give me some peanuts. Bup, bup, bup. You didn't say you'd kill me.

Oh, please stop. I'm just getting started.

Welcome ft? Matinee of Blood and Commercials. i am your hostess, BcKyberella. Our first fright flick is 1983 's .. Frankenstein and the Harlem Globetrotters... Meet the Mummy and the Washington Generals. I cant just sit here watching this junk. That's better.

Get to the bloody point!

You know, at my age, the mind starts playing tricks. So-- Aah! Death! That's only the cat. Oh. Aah! Death! - That's Maggie again, Grampa. - Oh. Where were we? Death! How come it won't stop hurting?

We'll miss you, Geezer Rock. (SPITS) (GASPING) Quickly, Smithers, re-hydrate me.

Ooh, a Rubik's Cube! Let's all work it together. Okay, start with diagonal colors. Use your main finger on the yellow side and your other finger... on the orange side, and turn it. My main finger? You gotta start backwards! - Alternate corners. - One at a time!

A spoor! Hmm-- His brand of gum, Doublemint. Trying to double your fun, eh, Bart? Well, I'll double your detention. I wish someone was around to hear that.

Mmm, semi-imported. Keep 'em coming.

But it's me, Moe, wearing a sailor suit. Moe with a lolly. It's so out of character. Ain't that worth nothin'? Come on. Next. All right, judges, who is our winner?

I'm whizzin' with the door open, and I love it.

Testing. Testing.

Look at my life. I'm talking to a monkey and a-- I don't know what the hell you are. You can be so cruel when you're sober. Well, I'll fix that. I'm goin' on the bender to end all benders.

Ding-- freedom. Dong-- opportunity. Ding-- excellent schools. Dong-- quality hospitals." "When America was born on that hot july day in 1776, "the trees in Springfield Forest were tiny saplings, trembling towards the sun. "And as they were nourished by Mother Earth,

Uh, we're new foreign exchange students...

Lenny, Carl, I know a lot of people bad-mouth you and focus on how you suck, but not me. To me, you're true-blue. Aw, thanks, big guy. Now dance, rummy. Okay. Hiya, Moe. Well, if it isn't little Miss "I'm not wasting my life anymore,"

to Robo Trouble. Oh, /'m sorry. [mean Robot Rumble.

Oh... Well, I got to go.

I'm Krusty the Clown, and I'm going to kill you. Didn't even pull the string that time. I said I'm going to kill you. You, Homer Simpson. Oh, yeah? With what? Aah!

Yeah. You've gotta help us, Doc. We've tried nothing, and we're all out of ideas.

You can't stay in there forever ! I can try. March your butt right out here, now ! No way, man. But-- Son, if you don't come out, I can't hug you and kiss you and make you feel all better. You think I'm dumb enough to fall for that ? I'm insulted.

Keep 'em coming.

Oh, my God! I've gone back in time! I've got to warn everybody about Hitler! And get to the ice-cream store! Hey, Homer, what's all the hubbub? Let me guess. You travel back in time again? Shut up! You haven't even been born yet! Easy, Homer. I'll bring you back. Safety dance Ohh!

I never thought of that. I'm not wild about these high-risk ventures. They sound a little risky. Tsk. Oh, Marge. You are such a wet blanket. If we'd listened to you, we wouldn't have sponsored that Mexican wrestler. Yet she still gets to share in all the profits!

Yeah, nice to see you. Seymour, why is that student lying unconscious on the floor? Well, in many cases, the floor is the best-- Oh, look! Here comes Lumpy, the school snake. Help! Help! Oh, Lord.

You know, these hamburgers are quite similar to the ones they have at Krusty Burger. Oh, no. Patented Skinner burgers. Old family recipe. For steamed hams. Yes.

There you go! We'd be stealing from people we know.

where I have the freedom to say and to think and to charge whatever I want. I want to stay, but as the real me, not as some yahoo from Green Bay.

This shirt is humor-larious. Let's see what else you've got. Amazing, trailblazing, insightful, delightful, hysterical, a miracle! The kids'll go cuckoo for these! (CUCKOOS) (CHUCKLES) My name's Goose Gladwell. Of Goose's Gags and Gifts?

D'oh! - D'Oh! - D'Oh! Whoo-hoo! Eww! Did you have to be so graphic? It's okay, Marge. They pave the way for this kind of filth in school.

Oh, yeah? Well, that makes two of us. You know, boys, there is an old saying down on the bayou that, uh-- Whee!

Starin' at my sandals, that's a paddlin'.

What the hell's this? Melvin and the Squirrels. Part of the rodent invasion of the early '60s. Stuck a feather in his cap and called it-- Rice-A-Roni Melvin!

I give you our 39th president, jimmy Carter. Oh, come on! He's history's greatest monster!

Only who can prevent forest fires? You pressed "You," referring to me. That is incorrect. The correct answer is you. Mom, can Lisa and I play outside away from the bear?

Open wide for some soccer! The Continental Soccer Association... is coming to Springfield! It's all here-- fast kickin', low scorin'. And ties? You bet!

- Hey, mister. Do you need some help? - Let him go, Ralph. He knows what he's doing.

Krustofski! Why, look, it's my celebrity neighbor Elliott Gould! Your monkey bit my kid again! Well, if he would stop wearing the banana suntan lcytion- Say hello to Bob- and Carol and Ted and Alice-

And Harry Potter and all his wizard friends... - went straight to hell for practicing witchcraft. - Yea! What the diddlio?

There's another thing I want to talk about. Tut, tut, gentle Marge. Here in the boudoir the gourmand metamorphosizes into... the voluptuary!

Look, Homer. Lisa's taking her first steps. You're taping it? Yes. I'll watch it later. The plane, the plane! No, my freakish little friend. Hmm.

that your dreams will go unfulfilled. Uh-oh. You're busted, Dad.

Paul Newman's gonna have my legs broke.

of these principles, we can learn-- The auspices of constancy-- sweet constancy. Oh. Hey-- What--

Homer s.: Portrait of an Ass Grabber, starring Dennis Franz.

"Tip one: Live each day like it was your last." I dont want to die! I'm so young!

People, please! We're all frightened and horny.

You're it. - Now you are the one who is it. - Understood.

You can't stay in there forever ! I can try. March your butt right out here, now ! No way, man. But-- Son, if you don't come out, I can't hug you and kiss you and make you feel all better. You think I'm dumb enough to fall for that ? I'm insulted.

You'll never find That microfilm of mine Bart, meet the voice of Angry Dad.

What if I talk like this?

This has been a Gracie Films presentation.

Not at all. I am a professional. Roll the ball for me, Marge. Let me see your form. All right, but I'm not very good.

Don't worry. We get that a lot here. Lou, you can't leave the force. I can change. I just think there's more money in private security.

That is a rare photo of sean Connery signed by Roger Moore. - It is worth $150. - What can I get for 75 cents? You may purchase this charming Hamburglar Adventure. A child has already solved the jumble using crayons. The answer is "fries." Uh, Milhouse, what's going on? You said you just needed to use the bathroom. Now I find you buying comics.

Boy, am I hungry. I mean I'm really, really hungry. It's just not fair, damn it!

Well, let's get out the old stock ticker and have a look. Here's where I stopped checking it last time. September, 1929. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Smithers, why didn't you tell me about this market crash?

That tree's been in Springfield since the time of our forefathers. Give it back, or we'll bust in there and take it! Bust in here and take it? You must be stupider than you look. Stupider like a fox!

What am I doing wrong, Little Vicki? Well, you're falling a lot. Maybe you should work on that. Yeah. Well, no offense, but maybe I need a little more instruction... than just "tappa-tappa-tappa." Why, back when I was your age, I had 43 movies under my belt, and I had to do it without tappa-tappa-tappa. I would have killed for tappa-tappa-tappa.

was caught in a sudden avalanche on Widow's Peak earlier today. It was captured on film by a camera crew making the upcoming Fox special, In Search of Bigfoot.

Smithers, are they booing me? Uh, no. They're saying, "Boo-urns! Boo-urns!"

Now then, in case you get bored, here's the playroom. You can't just eat the orange and throw the peel away! A man's not a piece of fruit! This show was supposed to close last week! Close this show! Close it, I say. Hey, don't worry about it. You're all right.

Uh, is the poop deck really what I think it is? I like the cut of your jib. What's a jib? Promote that man.

are the cutout classics. When Krusty the Clown got canceled-- he tried everything to stay on the air. Here's what you didn't see. If you watch my show, I will send you this book featuring me...

Well, neighbor I see you've got your running shoes on. That's a good thing.

Oh, Homer. No man has ever been this nice to me without, you know, wanting something in return. I was gonna ask for some water, but now I feel guilty about it. Homer, you're just a big sack of sugar. Thanks. You did say "sugar," right? Uh-huh.

Marge, I have some horrible, bone-chilling news! What is it? Hi, Homer. - Oh, nothing. - Hey. That's my lucky red hat sittin' on top... of a double-corrugated, eight-fold, 14-gauge box.

Give 'em the benefit of your years of experience. Don't worry. That won't take long. The key to motivation is trust. Let me show you what I mean. I want you to close your eyes and fall backwards, and I'll catch you. That's gonna show you what trust is all about. Ready? - All right. - Three, two-- One second. Hello? D'oh! Oh, my God! A guy's on the floor!

I hope all you kids come out this weekend and really pack this place, just to show 'em how grateful I am. I told 'em you would. Don't make me a liar.

Hello. Hello, Homey. How's my big, important executive ? Marge, every woman I interview for the secretary job makes kissy faces at me. Mmm. Hello, Mr. Simpson. I'm Carl. He sounds good. Hire him. I'll call you back, Marge.

Two: Whenever Poochie's not on screen, all the other characters should be asking, "Where's Poochie?" Three-- Great. Great. just leave them right there on the floor on your way out.

but main street's still all cracked and broken sorry, mom the mob has spoken monorail monorail monorail Monorail! Mono-- D'oh!

Oh, no! Oh, don't do that! You're supposed to be tasting them! Hall of Famer Whitey Ford now on the field... pleading with the crowd for-- for some kind of sanity. Uh-oh. And a barrage of pretzels... now knocking Whitey unconscious. Wow. This is a-- This is a black day for baseball.

All right, stick it to the man.

just follow me. Put your hand on my hip. Okay.

That's it! A novel about whaling! That's something you haven't seen before. Thank you, Scene From Moby-Dick. "Chapter 1, starts and beginnings. "'Swim, swim, swim,' thought the whale, flapping his flappers."

just a second. You gotta take a Breathalyzer test before I let you drive home. Uh, I guess I'll walk home.

Ha! It's like punting on the Thames. Stroke. Stroke.

This calls for a celebration. We're all going to Hawaii. Gotcha! It's April Fools' for two more minutes. Dad, it's May 16. You were in that coma for seven weeks.

This whole raid was as useless as that yellow, lemon-shaped rock over there. Wait a minute. There's a lemon behind that rock!

I'm a-comin', boy! Homer, get back here!

Lisa, why don't you come sing for uS?

Your husband suffers from a persecution complex extreme paranoia and bladder hostility. If you talk to him without mentioning Bart you'd see how sane he is. You mean there really is a Bart? Good Lord!

Aw, me and Santa's Little Helper used to be a team, but he never wants to play anymore since his bitch moved in. Don't ever say that word again! Well, that's what she is. I looked it up. Well, I'm going to write the dictionary people and have that checked. Feels like a mistake to me.

You seem like a nice guy. Why are you here? I wore a pink shirt. I understand. People thought I dressed crazy. What did you wear? One white glove covered with rhinestones.

Hot stuff comin' through. My friendship-- You know you want it.

But I can't leave the country. What about my wife and kids? That can be shipped.

Let's go! Let's go! The dice! The dice! The dice! Eight seconds. Great job, boys!

Hello, children. Whom do you love ? Sideshow Bob ! Come on, Bart. Go with the flow. How much do you love me ? With all our hearts !

- But, sir, the head office is in India. - Okay. Dad, that's over 10,000 miles away. I'm aware of that! - That's over 16,000 kilometers. - D'oh!

We gotta get home. I don't want to miss Inside the Actor's Studio. Tonight it's F. Murray Abraham. But I really need to-- F. Murray Abraham!

So I'm walking by the Oval Office, and I hear the president. "Pinsky! Where's my poem?" Well, I thought it wasn't due till Tuesday. So I make one up. I am just pulling stuff out of my ass. And when I'm done, the president says, "Pinsky, you've done it again." Ka-ching!

Look how loud I have to yell!

Oh, boy, free beer! Oh, man. (CHUCKLES) Easy, Barney. Easy. Remember the 12 Steps. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10,11,12. (GRUNTS) Nice try, boys.

Code? Son, this is Colonel Hapablap! That fool McGuckett sprayed runway foam all over Chuck Yeager's Acura. Now get down there with the chamois triple-time! But, Colonel, I'm under strict orders to-- Sweet Enola Gay, son! Get moving or I'll tear you up like a Kleenex at a, uh, snot party. Sir, right away, sir!

Hey, you, get out of my office!

In that spirit, we bring you Gabbin' About God sponsored by Ace Religious Supply, where they say "If we don't got it, it ain't holy." With us once again, our very own three wise men Reverend Timothy Lovejoy, Monsignor Kenneth Daly and Rabbi Hyman Krustofski. Our first caller is from Shelbyville Heights.

Don't hog it all, smelly head! Go to hell, zit face! Give me that sugar!

Close your eyes, Marge. I've got a surprise for you. Mmm! Okay, open your eyes. It's a handgun. Isn't it great? This is the trigger, and this is the thing you point at whatever you want to die.

Lisa, honey, are you saying you're never going to eat any animal again? - What about bacon? - No. - Ham? - No. Pork chops? Dad! Those all come from the same animal! Oh, yeah, right, Lisa. A wonderful, magical animal.

My God, you're greasy!

There is a lesson you must learn. If it's about laying off the insanity peppers, I'm way ahead of ya. No. I speak of a deeper wisdom. The problem, Homer, is that the mind is always chattering away... with a thousand thoughts at once. Yeah. That's me all right.

Huh? Great news, everyone. Goliath is dead! Although I haven't seen his body, the blast that failed to kill me surely killed the giant.

takin' us out to a fine restaurant like Krusty Burger.

You never know when an old calendar might come in handy. Sure, it's not 1985 right now, but who knows what tomorrow will bring? And these TV Guides. So many memories. "Gomer upsets Sergeant Carter." Oh, I'll never forget that episode. Pyle! Shazam!

Thanks, Sparkle. Wait... This isn't you. That's the old Sparkle.

Wow! Ever wonder how crackers get salted? Have I! Wow! Crackers, ho! I never knew cracker production could be so exciting!

How innovative. I like it. Hey, Dolph, take a memo in your Newton. Beat up Martin. Bah! Yeow!

We are the jockeys jockeys are we We live underground in a fiberglass tree Ha! Ooh! Ha-ha! Between Earth and hell we reign supreme On toadstool thrones by a chocolate stream

Ow! Hey, watch those virtual darts!

I'm not going to lie to you. Those are all superior machines. But if you like to watch your TV, and I mean really watch it, you want the CarnivalÉ. It features two-pronged wall plug, pre-molded hand-grip well, durable outer casing to prevent fall-apart. Sold! You wrap it up, I'll start bringing in the pennies.

Trendy guest stars were shamelessly trotted out to grab ratings. If you are looking for trouble, you've found it.

Okay, well, um-- Edna, Seymour, in light of these, uh, revelations, I suppose we overreacted. Do we have our jobs back? What? Oh, yes, yes, yes. Sure. Just, uh, you know, keep the lewdness to a minimum.

Well, thank you, Mr. Blow-The-Picture-For-Me.

Is there anything you need? Well, you could make my evening complete. What's wrong? My whole romantic life is flashing before my eyes.

Show Wow! They'll never let us show that again, not in a million years!

(GASPS) That thing for me! Oh, God! It's so unnecessary! You have excellent taste. This is our finest talking astrolabe. It also comes with a notepad and pen that works upside-down. I'm upside-down so much!

Because of you, we're all takin' golden showers! What? We can't go on fighting with Olde Springfield!

Twenty of your mortal years. But I had to quit when my fangs succumbed to gingivitis. Now all my victims have to be mashed up.

I'm more worried about Al's jacket. How many stations can you get on that thing? All right. Listen. I am sick of your jokes about the wardrobe! You people can dress yourselves!

Hey! Troy! Troy! That's right, boys. Troy's back from the gutter, and he's brought someone with him! That's too funny!

We're not prisoners anymore. We're free! We can go anywhere we want. I'm cold and frightened.

Homer, no! Aaah! A hungry, hungry hippo. Aaah! Help! Kitenge! Now, Simpsons! Run for it.

It's almost game time. Where the devil are my ringers? Mike Scioscia may not live through the night. Steve Sax is looking at six life sentences. Ozzie Smith seems to have vanished off the face of the earth.

This is the end beautiful friend This is the end My only friend the end

I beat the smart kids I beat the smart kids I bent my wookie. Hey, Ralph, wanna come with me and Alison to play anagrams? We take proper names and rearrange the letters... to form a description of that person. My cat's breath smells like cat food.

Shh! I'm sorry.

When was the Battle of New Orleans? january 8, 1815. Two weeks after the war ended. First-rate. What's a battle? Let's go. Did that boy say, "What's a battle?" He said, "What's that rattle?" About the heating duct. Hmm. It sounded like battle.

Sex Cauldron? I thought they closed that place down!

Well, anyway, I brought you a present. Look! It's a telescope I won at the optics festival. There was an optics festival, and I wasn't informed? You go now. But-- Go! What have we here? "The Lighter Side of Hippies."

A smile. Good night, Laughlin. She didn't do it She didn't do it

Sunshine on my shoulders MAkeS me Happy

Look, I'm supposed to get a physics tutor. You've come to the right place. If there's one thing we know, it is science. And math. And the words to every Monty Python routine. We are the knights who say "Ni!" Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni.

Dad, are you licking toads? I'm not not licking toads. Well, it's time to get to work. Humanitarian Homer Simpson, over and out.

My purpose in life is to witness this moment. We need the outlet for our rock tumbler. Plug it in! Plug it in! What, the rock tumbler or the TV? The TV! The TV! Show

People, if we meet this week's quota, I'll take you to the most duck-filled pond you ever sat by. Oh, hot diggety! That's how they got me to vote for Lyndon LaRouche.

You're beautiful. Aw, somebody's in love. That means you'll have to be neutered. No!

(BOTH LAUGHING) What are you kids laughing at? And if you say Jimmy Fallon, I'll know you're lying.

And we are back with more of People Who Look Like Things. Oh, no! No! Someone taped over the end of this! All we ask is to be treated with dignity and respect.

The city of Washington was built on a stagnant swamp... some 200 years ago and very little has changed. It stank then and it stinks now. Only today, it is the fetid stench of corruption that hangs in the air.

Elmo go to wrong fundraiser. Bill Clinton? What are you doing here? I called the Republican tax cuts unwise. And I stand by it. They're unwise. I want my Washington Post! Here's your Washington Post! You like that, Clinton? You traitors pipe down! You're all here because you hate freedom!

I'm a privileged boy It's great, I gotta tell ya Privileged boy My dad can buy and sell ya It really doesn't matter that you're on the list in front of me I'm gonna get your table 'cause I always tip the maitre d' And then I'll go to Yale because I am a legacy I'm better than you (AUDIENCE BOOING)

First, Bush invades my home turf, then he takes my pals, then he makes fun of the way I talk... probably. Now he steals my right to raise a disobedient, smart-alecky son! Well, that's it! Hey, Bush! Get out here!

that I have to dance with you? You know, I'd change that law if I could, Marge, but I can't. Aw, shoot. Quebec's got the bomb. Well, I gotta go, but, look, if you're ever near the White House, there's a toolshed out back.

Fantasize, Marge.

That brown patch needs a little H2o. Oh, yeah! Hey, Duff Man, let's see how you like a sticker on your face! Yeah! Duff Man... can't breathe. Oh, no! Oh!

Your doll is trying to kill my husband! Yes, I'll hold. Everybody loves A clown so why don't you

Hey, how about 007? George Lazenby? No. Pierce Brosnan. A voice like his would give our house a much-needed touch of class. All right, but I'm doing this because he was Remington Steele. He was Remington Steele, wasn't he? Yes, I was, Marge. And thank you for selecting me.

He'll tell you that in nature one creature invariably eats another to survive. Don't kid yourself, jimmy. If a cow ever got the chance, he'd eat you and everyone you care about.

Barney, not you too! I'm not a zombie. But hey-- when in Rome.

I sentence you to death!

Yee-haw! Wah! Ha, ha!

Get back to work, Stewart!

Whoa ! Hey, cool, man ! Our lives have taken an odd turn. Did the team ask you to dress like that, Homer ? Nope, this was my own bright idea. Come on, we gotta hurry. Don't fill up on those vegetables, kids. Save room for your nachos. All right !

Even they have holes. Blowholes!

If I ever meet your dad-- The start of the game will be delayed, so we can introduce the recruiter for the Springfield Communist Party. Boo! This is better than dart day.

Great meaning large or immense. We use it in the pejorative sense.

Smithers, I've designed a new plane. I call it the Spruce Moose, and it will carry 200 passengers... from New York's Idlewild Airport to the Belgian Congo in 17 minutes! That's quite a nice model, sir. Model?

The guys who wrote this show don't know squat. Itchy should've tied Scratchy's tongue with a taut-line hitch, not a sheet bend. Oh, Bart. Cartoons don't have to be 100% realistic.

Things have changed. There will be no mockery of your name, Mr. Glasscock.

You broke my Batmobile!

Oh. Like how we built that snowman together in that Newport ad? Remember how "alive with pleasure" they said we were?

Well, she may be helping my career, but she's starting to cramp my style. Oh, who cares? The offers are rolling in. Paramount wants you for a buddy comedy with Rob Lowe and Hugh Grant. Those sick freaks? Okay. Then get this. I think they want you to play McBain's sidekick in-- brace yourself-- the new McBain movie!

All right! Bologna and cheese! What do you got, Bart? A pack of sugar and peanut butter smeared on a playing card. Ha-ha! Your mom's a jailbird. - So's yours. - Oh, yeah. Let's play.

You know, I went to the McDonald's in, uh, Shelbyville on Friday night.

Get your germ lab out of here! Now! Now! How could I not become a radical... when we were fighting a force of pure evil? Hey, hey, Mr. Burns! Enough already with the germs.

"Radiant, cool, crazy nightmares. Zen New jersey nowhere." Put this in your pipe and smoke it!

Little Lisa. I've already started you... a college fund at Lincoln Savings and Loan. According to this magazine, Bart might be jealous of her. Yeah, well, Bart can kiss my hairy yellow butt.

Help me, please. I'm sick. Homer! But it's funny, Marge. The guy's sick. Uh, shouldn't we help him? He knows what he's doing.

Yeah. Oh, yeah ? Yeah. Yeah !

Billy jean is not my lover She's just a girl who says that I am the one But the kid is not my son Hee-hee-hee.

Why didn't I think of that? Hammocks! Homer, there's four places. There's the Hammock Hut. That's on Third. Uh-huh. There's Hammocks-R-Us. That's on Third too. - You got Put-Your-Butt-There. - Mm-hmm. - That's on Third. Swing Low, Sweet Chariot. - Right. Matter of fact, they're all in the same complex. It's the hammock complex on Third. Oh, the hammock district. That's right.

f Homer's Voice f i peed my pants/

Look at the credits. Bye-bye, kids! I'm Kent Brockman. On the 11:00 news tonight, a certain kind of soft drink has been found to be lethal. We won't tell you which one until after sports and the weather with Funny Sonny Storm. There's my name, right there-- Bart Simpson.

Hello? Hello? Yeah. Homer again. I think we got cut off. Hello?

Hey! Gus! I got somethin' to report to ya!

Lemme check. Phone call for Al, Al Coholic ! Is there an Al Coholic here ? Wait a minute. Listen, you little yellow-bellied rat jackass. If I ever find out who you are, I'll kill ya !

And yet, I've led a solitary life. The fair sex remains a mystery to me. You seem to have a way with women, a certain-- how shall I put it-- animal magnetisme.

Ugh! Ugh! I don't know what I was thinking, but, uh, Field of Dreams was good, wasn't it? Made us all believe again. Oh, poor Mr. Costner. He tries so hard. Ah, thanks. You're sweet to say that. Uh, where are you? I'm back here. Hi.

into a hippie pot party. While johnny Welfare plays acid rock on a stolen guitar, his old lady has a better idea. That's right. She's got the "munchies" for a California cheeseburger.

I'm gonna have to saw your arms off. They'll grow back, right? Oh, yeah. Whew. Homer, are you just holding on to the can? Your point being?

The ring came off my pudding can! Take my pen knife, my good man.

Partisan politics are tearing our country apart. You got a point there, Bill. If you and I are gonna whup these one-eyed space fellas, we're gonna have to set aside our differences. Together we can lead America into a new golden age. Friend, you got a deal. Homer, let us out. It's time to tear those aliens a third corn chute.

I know. I really screwed up. I deserve to be punished. What's the point, Bart? I punish and I punish and I punish, but it never sinks in. So you know what? Do what you want. You wanna play with little hoodlums? Fine. Have fun killing things. Mom, wait!

Well-- No, not another portrait of that bongo-beating Liverpudlian. But, Mr. Schindler-- Someone might have used this canvas to create a masterpiece. Instead, you've soiled it forever. Now, this is art. Thank you, Mr. Schindler.

Please shut this place down and move away from Springfield. Oh, honey, you can't be serious. Springfield doesn't want places like this. I think I know what Springfield wants, sugar. Oh? I've lived in this town for 37 years. I've lived here 52 years. I'm third generation. Sixth. Get out of my town!

You do now, son. You do now. Standing tall on the wings of my dream Rise and fall on the wings of my dream

I have nothing to say to you. But, Marge, I was a political prisoner. How are you a political prisoner? I kicked a giant mouse in the butt. Do I have to draw you a diagram?

Ah, here we go. Precious Venus. Thank you.

(HOMER SCREAMING)

Pokémon! Pokémon? Pokémon? With the pokey and the man... and the-- That is the darnedest thing.

Hey, Bart! Summer's almost here. Which kind of sprinkler do you like? The one that goes like this? Or the one that goes like this?

That jerk I got to replace you, he isn't fit to hold your slide whistle. All I can be is myself.

And in another article, I found out... that to hire professionals to do all the jobs of a housewife, who, incidentally, is not married to a house, would cost $48,000 a year. Right on, sister ! The first step to liberation... is to free ourselves from these male-imposed shackles !

Now we'll begin by-- Oops. Ah, did you see that jerk? Dropped his notes!

You've got to catch them! Think of the children. Won't somebody please think of the children!

just watch us. Don't forget Ken Starr!

Get your haggis right here! Chopped heart and lungs... boiled in a wee sheep's stomach! Tastes as good as it sounds! Good for what ails ya!

I get it! Everything's made of blocks! - Even the water! - Uh, hey! Ow! Hey, Boat 28, stop splashing. What are you gonna do about it?

Yup. A shiny new apple. I get it! Everything's made of blocks! - Even the water! - Uh, hey! Ow! Hey, Boat 28, stop splashing. What are you gonna do about it?

They practically chew his food for him. Lucky stiff. I'm workin' my ass off here. Good steak, honey.

Hey! Look what I snagged, Marge. The candy bride and groom from the wedding cake. Mmm. Pointy.

Hi, Lisa. Hi, Super Nintendo Chalmers. I'm "learnding."

But deep down inside, you secretly long... for a coldhearted Republican to lower taxes, brutalize criminals... and rule you like a king!

I've appeared in over 8,000 visions, and that's the lamest reply I've ever heard. Oh, now, please. I-- I thought saints were supposed to be friendly. You, you're just lucky God isn't here.

All right, first academic alert: Wiggum, Ralph. I won! I won! No, no, Ralph. This means you're failing English. Me fail English? That's "unpossible."

or stay in Springfield with our sweethearts? (MOANING) Stay with me, Marge. And I promise we'll travel the world and perhaps outer space. (IMITATES STAR SHIPS) (IMITATES LASER GUNS)

Hallelujah hallelujah hallelujah hallelujah hallelujah

today you can find apples in everything that's good. Apple wine, apple whiskey, apple schnapps, apple martinis, uh, Snapple with vodka in it, apple nail polish remover--

Testing. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Hey.

Got to pay your dues if you wanna sing the blues And you know it don't come easy You don't have to shout Or leap about You can even play them easy

I can't stand it any longer. This whole plant is insane. Insane, I tell you!

Have you gone completely fakakta? Hey, I got my comedy K's back. King Kong coldcocked Kato Kaelin. Hey, you gentiles are all right. Wow. Is there anything he can't do? Cure me! Cure me! Brother, I sense you are feeling trapped and desperate.

Shh! Ooh, I hear this really sucks.

Bart! Son of a--

Here to tell to you about his job is Bart's friend's dad, Kirk Van Houten.

You know, I was considering staying after school and helping teacher clean up. Ahh! Do you ever think anything you don't say?

Welcome to the Electric Car of the Future,

English - US - Line 21

Pro: Uh-- Uh, I love you. Con: I'm finding myself less attracted to you physically.

It's been done.

Turns out he had an impacted anal gland.

Morgan, Kira, ian, Lauren, q-Bert, Phil.

of each purple curtain thrilled me, Filled me with fantastic terrors never felt before. So that now, to still the beating of my heart, I stood repeating: 'Tis some visitor entreating entrance at my chamber door. This it is, and nothing more. Presently my soul grew stronger, hesitating then no longer.

I hardly think it's fair to be charged full price. I'm up to my knees in the original cast of mash.

As your president, I would demand... a science fiction library... featuring an ABC of the overlords of the genre: Asimov, Baxter, Clarke-- What about Ray Bradbury ? I'm aware of his work. Thank you ! And keep watching the skies.

Heh. Life dont seem so hard no more.

Hey, Dad, sell you these for 50 bucks. Whoo-hoo! Sold! Those aren't tickets to the game, Homer. What do you mean? It says right here: "Free wig with every purchase of large wig. Downtown Wig Center." Why, you little-- Hmm. Free wig.

Oh, Marge, we should do this every Thursday. Marge, I got sprayed by this skunk. Oh, look. It's doing it again.

Earth is now ripe for the plucking.

Then you got these lady comics talking about stuff... that would embarrass Redd Foxx-- God rest his smutty soul. Who they slept with. What time they sit on the can. This is supposed to get you a husband? What the hell are you laughin' at? I'm just tellin' the truth. And it's funny.

You know, Homer, when I found out about this, I went through a wide range of emotions. First I was nervous, then anxious, then wary, then apprehensive, then kind of sleepy, then worried and then concerned.

D'oh! Oh! Lousy minor setback! This world sucks! Don't you hate carpet stores that charge extra for the under padding? I hate them so much!

Hot damn! All right, don't eat nothin' for the next three days, 'cause I'm taking you out for a steak the size of a toilet seat.

Oh, Mrs. Simpson, you must pursue your dreams, like my old dream of coming to America and starting a family. Or my new dream of ditching my family and sneaking back to India in disguise. Apu? Never heard of him.

Oh, this is horrible. My spit takes all have blood in 'em! Look, I'm really sorry. "Sorry" don't suture my colon! And you're off my show forever!

From Springfield, U.S.A. ? Gear !

Call for Oliver Klozoff ! And I made reservations at the Chez Paree. But, Homer, it's so expensive. It matters not, mon frere. And after desserts,

I have a buck. I have one dollar. I have one dollar there. Do I hear two? Sold-- for a buck. Cool. What'd I buy? 35 Industry Way.

It means he gets results, you stupid chief! Dad, sit down. Oh, I'm sorry.

The alien has a sweet, heavenly voice, like Urkel. And he appears every Friday night... like Urkel! Well, your story is very compelling, Mr. jackass-- I mean, Simpson. So, I'll just type it up on my invisible typewriter.

Oh! I ain't fer it. I'm agin it!

I don't like you hanging around some waitress. You make it sound so seamy. All I did was spend the afternoon in her trailer... watching her try on some outfits. Hi, Lurleen. We were just talking about you.

Morals and ethics and carnal forbearance--

What affliction "be-plagues" you, my friend? Come again? He paralyzed his vocal cords cramming too many "K" sounds into a punch line. Oh, mercy. Well, I'm not sure there's anything I can do for-- Feel the power! Release this clown!

English - US - Line 21

Flanders? Ned Flanders? I'd better call Dr. Foster. Yes. Dr. Foster here. Ned Flanders? You're sure? No, no, no. I'll come right over.

the Coach's... Hot... Line. line. Lay it on me, Coach. In the game of... Mi-am-i Mm-hmm. versus Cin... Cincinnati. cin... Cincinnati. na... Cincinnati. ti... Come on! Don't you realize this is costing me money?

Hey, hey! It's great to be back at the Apollo Theater and-- "K.K.K."? That's not good. Oh! Ah! Oh! What? Hey! Oh!

Ah, boy. It looks like it's suicide again for me.

Let me introduce you to the fine-looking females of Pfizer. I like big butts And I cannot lie You other brothers can't deny That when a girl walks in With an itty-bitty waist And a round thing in your face You get sprung Possible side effects include dizziness and shortness of marriage. Damn!

Twenty-one inch screen, realistic flesh tones... and a little cart so we can wheel it into the dining room on holidays. Yea ! Oh, Homer, we love you.

Oh, no. Ties. Don't worry, son. You can have mine. Here. Let me show you how to put on a tie. The hook goes over the top and these things go in there. Thanks, Dad.

The emperor finds it boring.

Hey, it wouldn't be a Playdude party without James Caan. So, I'm trying to talk with Miss November and Charlie Callas over here is blocking my action with... (INDISTINCT) Turns out he's choking on a peanut. Well, punch to the gut cleared that right up.

Well, who was it? Never mind.

Come on, Barney. If you're gonna be General Grant, you have to have a drink.

I'm not hepped up on goofballs. Yeah, right. Ned Flanders. I never would have imagined. Oh-- Oh-- Ah-- Oh-- Oof! High as a kite, everybody! Goofballs!

Dear Sally, in response to your letter of December 12, 1966, me favorite color is blue and me real first name is Richard. Thanks for the snapshot. You're a real cute bird. Love, Ringo. P.S. Forgive the lateness of my reply.

La, la, la, la, la, la, la. I took another sip.

See, I got this friend named Joey jo-jo junior Shabadoo. That's the worst name I ever heard. Bye, joey jo-jo! Oh, what the hell? It's me.

Yes, I will! Isn't it wonderful? Master Hugh has found a true love.

Homer Simpson, sir, a low-level employee... in sector 7-G. Simpson, huh ? A family man ? Wife and three kids, sir. I'd like to see our self-styled Valentino tomorrow morning, Smithers.

It doesn't matter. All I want to know is, will you make me the luckiest guy in the world again? I will. Oh, Homie, of course I will. Come on, you stupid-- There.

Only on weekends.

Hens love roosters geese love ganders everyone else loves Ned Flanders Not me! Everyone who counts loves Ned Flanders Knock that off, you two! It's time for church! We're not going to church today.

We won't tell you which one until after sports and the weather with Funny Sonny Storm. There's my name, right there-- Bart Simpson. Looks more like "Brad Storch." No, it says, "Betty." "Betty Symington." - That's for taking credit for other people's work. - Oh!

Let's build your vocabulary. Abattoir: Slaughterhouse. "The cow was slaughtered in the abattoir." Has the weight loss tape reduced your appetite? Lamentably, no. My gastronomic rapacity knows no satiety.

We're real funky but not threatening We're the best band in the world But we'd give it all up for that special girl You're my special girl Special girl

Fonzie's jacket! Who's Fonzie? Who's Fonzie? Don't they teach you anything in school? He freed the squares.

Shut up! Shut up! We better check with a doctor. Welcome to Virtual Doctor. From the makers of Dragon Quest and SimSandwich. Enter symptoms now. - Let's see. Crusty sores. - Yes. Horrible wailing.

If ever I would leave you It wouldn't be in summer! (BOOING) Ladies and gentlemen, let's kill every child...

Whoa! Sign's floating away, Chief.

Yeah, right, mop top. And I'm Ed Sullivan. "Really big show." No, no. I can do it better. "Really big show. Really big." That's it.

Hey, that's my washcloth. The hell it is! - Give me that! Let go! - Give me that thing! I want it! Stop this madness. It's just a washcloth. Besides, it's mine. Yoink! Hey, she's getting away with the washcloth.

Kill wealthy dowager. Uh, burn that seat. These Krusty Brand balloons are three bucks each. But get a cheap one, and what happens? It goes off, takes out the eyeballs of every kid in the room.

Well, therefore, you certainly would never lose your temper... over something as trivial as the pronunciation of "chowder."

Homer, stop that. It's just a weather station. Come on, Marge. It's fun to smash things. I smashed it good. You got real "Purdy" hair.

just ask this scientician. Uh-- He'll tell you that in nature one creature invariably eats another to survive.

Hi, Maggie. I'm Homie-womie, the Teletubbie. And I'm all man, in case you heard otherwise.

Leave this place. You are in great danger. Where's Milhouse? The one you call Milhouse... is gone. He went to his grandma's place... while we're sprayin' for potato bugs.

All right, here's the 411, folks.

He woke me up at dawn to take a loyalty oath. Ugh. My mom's French, so we only celebrate Bastille Day. Well, we could do something fun. Um, how 'bout a beach party?

I'm thirsty. Ooh, what smells like mustard? There sure are a lot of ugly people in your neighborhood. Ooh! Look at that one! Oh, my glaucoma just got worse. The president is a demi-crat! Hello? I can't unbuckle my seat belt.

Hardly worth it. Lotta junk.

So I'm the president's no-good brother. Moochie-moochie.

Ah, I just threw on an old rerun. No one will know the difference. Huh? Huh? Huh? Eh, children, remain calm. The Falkland Islands have just been invaded. I repeat, the Falklands have just been invaded! The disputed islands lie here, off the coast of Argentina.

I say Phantom Menace sucked more! I say Attack of the Clones sucked more!

Hey, Mr. Showmanship, the owner wants to see you in his office right now.

Krusty! Krusty, say something funny. Oh, gee, a joke, huh? Um... uh... funny... Okay, this guy walks into a bar... and takes out a tiny piano and a 12-inch pianist... Oh, no, wait. I can't tell that one.

(SNORING) (GASPS) People bored with opera? That's impossible!

Ow! What the hell is wrong with you?

Get your germ lab out of here! Now! Now! How could I not become a radical...

doing... the Monkey. I'm disrupting the learning process, and I love it! First prize! First prize! First prize! First prize!

If they were electing a president of Dumbville, I'd have to nominate me. You got my vote. We're never gonna get out of-- Psst, cleaning lady. Would you let us out of here? Me? I'm Dolly Parton. I didn't ask for your life story. just give me the key. Young man, where I come from, the South, folks say "please."

Tell you what. I'll show you something very special... if you promise to put your grubby little hands behind your back and keep them there. Behold.

I know it's asking a lot, but if anyone can do it, You can. Thanking You in advance, Your pal, Bart Simpson.

Guess i forgot to put the fog lights in i better pull over and play it safe.

Your infatuation is based on a physical attraction. Talk to the woman and you'll realize you have nothing in common.

staff and hangers-on from leaking the solution, two completely different endings were produced.

- Can I fly it? - Of course you cannot.

Oh! You can stay, but I'm leaving. And of course in Canada, the whole thing's flip-flopped. Oh, my! I better get you some cider.

Yippee! Time for the company loyalty song. Knife goes in guts come out that's what osaka seafood concern is all about Well, this sucks. What else is on?

Foolish dingo. You must find and devour the seven crystal babies... or spend eternity trapped in deep didgeridoo! I am so scared.

Oh, Kenny. Look at the interplay of light and shadow. It's so luminous and vibrant! Thanks, Lisa. I painted that one. The real one's in my garage.

Ooh. That digital sound really lets you hear the blood splatter.

We were just playing. What game? - Let's Eat Maggie. - Ooh!

Homer, I've got a Fozzie of a bear of a problem. Maude and her mother were visiting Tyre and Sidon, the twin cities of the Holy Land. They must've kneeled in the wrong place and prayed to the wrong god... because, well, they're being held prisoner by militants of some sort. Militants, huh? Well, if I were you, I'd kick their asses.

You know, I defy anyone to tell the difference... between these doughnuts and ones baked today. My boy's supposed to be here any second on a field trip. They been through here yet ? Come on, Simpson. If they wanted the kids to see you sitting around... on your butt and stuffin' your face, they'd take them on a tour of your house.

You know, you are a member of a very exclusive club. The Black Panthers? No, the Family Simpson-- which has just five members, and only two of those members have special rings. Yeah! I meant our wedding rings.

Ah, no, that's Mayor Quimby. Ah, here we go.

Dr. Joyce Brothers may be well-known, but her psychological credentials are highly suspect. It's true! Now, who's up for a trip to the library tomorrow? Notice I no longer say "libary" or "tomorry." - I'd love to go to the library with you. - It's a date.

Is this you? If it is, don't dial 911. Simply dial... 636-555-3472. Help me, SpringShield! Have no fear! SpringShield's present!

He does get spooked by loud noises. "Loud"? That's our secret word for the day! Oh, my God!

And so for helping to K.O. litter in our community, I hereby dedicate this statue of Drederick Tatum. Litter is my most treacherous foe. I would like to eat its children. So long, suckers!

Hey, look! It's Elton john! We had to make an emergency landing. It's that damn chandelier again.

This isn't funny!

Oh, quit your bellyaching, you big loser! Wh-Who said that? I did! It's me, Abe Simpson! But you're d-d-d-dead. I was. But I've come back as your love testing machine.

Hey! Keep your dishwashing hands off the Armani.

Oh, you can do it if your heart is pure-- or... purée.

On the lighter side of the news, and I use the term loosely-- Doh ! No ! The slide is perfectly safe. This was an isolated incident. I understand that, Krusty, but isn't that what you said before the recall of tainted Krusty brand mayonnaise ? Now, Kent, you know that question is out of bounds. This interview is over.

What if I'm not a success? How will you pay for all this? I'm sorry. I can't hear you, son. I'm wearing a jacuzzi suit. I just missed out...

The ingredients were fresh pureed tomatoes, water, salt and sodium benzoate used to retard spoilage. Once again, if I'm not mistaken, this can contained tomato paste.

Bart, you've got to go on. Slag off. You've changed, man. It used to be about the music. I said slag off! Cool!

- Ow! - Ow, that hurts! Man, we're stupid. Hate you guys. The next morning we went out to the old quarry to have a swim. You guys really gonna dive off of here? Not me. I'm shaking like a French soldier. Yeah. I think I just logged onto my Internet.

Uh-oh. My heart just stopped. Ah, there it goes.

Howdy-do, neighbor! Good pipe weather. Thought I'd fire up the briar. Can't talk. Busy. Okilly-dokilly-do.

You just can't see the big picture. If I stick to my guns, the boy could wind up... chief justice of the Supreme Court. If I fail, the best he could do... is judge at a Mr. Tight Buns competition. I can't let that happen. I won't let that happen. And I can't let that happen.

Ohh! Homer mad! Homer smash! Get revenge on world!

who can who can - who Can - who can

Mmm. Baby on board. Baby on board Something, something Burt Ward This thing writes itself!

- they fight and fight and bite - and bark fight, fight, fight woof, woof, woof

Ow! My eye! Ow! Ow! Ow!

What I miss? Anything good?

Bart, is that you? No!

That's my brass knee. Steel hip. That one's news to me.

You might say the extra ingredient is salt.

You know, Marge? joining the reserves was the best thing I ever did. I feel good about myself, I'm helping my country, and later, I'm gonna get Gilligan's autograph. I'm so proud of you, Homie. Then I'll whomp him with my hat!

Well, I think the fruit of my loins... can beat the fruit of your loins any day of the week.

I'm a journalist.

(STUTTERS) Yes, Superintendent Chalmers? Do you know what today is? Today? Yes, of course I do! Happy birthday to you, happy... It not my birthday, Seymour. You know I'm a Sagittarius. Really? I'm a Libra. There's a lot of compatibility there. Skinner, be gay on your own time.

MAN ON TV: Bobby, I got propane in my urethra.

Hmm. Your penciling is sub-Ziggy... and the main character is off-model in every frame. However, I deem this rack-worthy. Wow! I made it! My week-long dream has come true.

Mm, I don't know if it's a good idea to do that while you're driving. Marge, that's what I bought it for.

That's a nasty clog.

Right. And the award for Best Hard-core Thrash Metal goes to... Simpsons Christmas Boogie? Simpsons Christmas Boogie For America's favorite family, everything was coming up roses.

But I need that album to honor the memory of Bleeding Gums Murphy! He's dead? Well, why didn't you say so?

I've dedicated myself to living out your dream. I didn't dream anything about an aqua suit... or a lavender shirt, but you did take care of Mom.

All right, who's Jimbo Jones? - I am. - You just made your second mistake, buddy boy! Please, dude, don't hurt me. Oh, man. That's your outlaw?

Now they'll never save your brain, Hitler. Little help?

Aw, Lisa, it doesn't look so bad. Oh, yeah? Ew! Lisa, honey, if it'll make you feel better, I'll destroy something Bart loves. - Hey! - Don't worry, Son. If that bothers you, I'll destroy something Maggie loves.

Did you hear that? She said "burlap".

(LAUGHS) Uh-oh! Whoa! I'm riding a unicycle with my pants down. This should be every boy's dream.

Got to go, Moe. Tough luck. Aaaaaaaahhh! Holy cow, you just fell on Aerosmith!

This will be the art event of the century. The greatest masterpiece of the Italian Renaissance, Michelangelo's David,

But this time, I cannot fail. Rakes. My old archenemy. I thought I was your archenemy. I have a life outside of you, Bart.

The moon belongs to America... and anxiously awaits the arrival of our astro-men. Will you be among them?

Stella! Stella! Can't you hear me yell-a You're puttin' me through hell-a Stella Stella!

Now, when I say, "Hello, Mr. Thompson"... and press down on your foot, you smile and nod. No problem. Hello, Mr. Thompson. I think he's talking to you.

but also became a great movie-- called Ghostbusters.

So I'm in the grocery store the other day, buying some cotton balls. The absorbent kind? You got that right, my friend. I round the corner and I head down the ointment aisle,

Now let's get down to business. To my executor, Lionel Hutz, I leave $50,000. Mr. Hutz! You'd be surprised how often that works. You really would.

- Homer Simpson. - Stop telling them it was me! I'll kill you for saying it was me! Homer Simpson. What is the meaning of this? Smithers, who is this beast that's shaking me? D'oh!

Yes, well, it does sound like fun. I can't wait to start pawing through my garbage like some starving raccoon. Release the hounds. Well, neighbor I see you've got your running shoes on. That's a good thing.

- I hope you're happy, Nelson. - Very.

It's a Krusty Kinda Kristmas! Brought to you by ILG-- selling your body's chemicals after you die. And by Li'l Sweetheart Cupcakes, a subsidiary of ILG. Oh, hi! I didn't hear you come in.

Pokémon? Pokémon? Shh. With the pokey and the man... and the--

So, how was it ?

"Geese can be troublesome." What the hell is that supposed to mean? Oh, fortune means geese cause problems. Well, I knew that before I came in here. A guy outside told me that. "Every house has a bathroom." Oh, these fortunes are terrible!

with a vulcanized rubber listening tube... which you crammed in your ear. The tube would go in easier with Some sort of lubricant... like linseed oil or Dr. Shumway's-- Shh! I'm sorry.

so I'll have to give you a five. And that gives you a final score of... 295. Looks like Daddy won. But 295 is awfully good for a baby. Yes, it is. It's very good. And you're a good little baby. Yes, you are!

which can lead to blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, Uh-huh. blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

Shut up, Becky! There, I finally said it.

If a cow ever got the chance, he'd eat you and everyone you care about. Wow, Mr. McClure! I was a Grade A moron to ever question eating meat. Yes, you were, jimmy. Yes, you were. Ow. You're hurting me.

Now for total security, I will terminate the cameraman. Thanks a lot, Steve!

We weren't satisfied with the other vegetarian meals on the market. You'd be surprised how often you'd find a big hunk of pork in them. Ew! Linda and I both feel strongly about animal rights. In fact, if you play "Maybe I'm Amazed" backwards, you'll hear a recipe for a really ripping lentil soup. When will all those fools learn that you can be perfectly healthy...

You will receive one as soon as your grades start to slip in any subject. This way, your parents won't have to wait until report card time to punish you. How innovative. I like it. Hey, Dolph, take a memo in your Newton. Beat up Martin. Bah! Yeow!

Mmm-mmm-mmm. Hmm? Mmm! Wow! I'm sorry I doubted you before, Dad. If there has to be a bastardized version of Krusty, I'm glad it's you. Thanks, honey. Bank shot!

We take 18 ounces of sizzling ground beef and soak it in rich creamery butter. Then we top it off with bacon, ham, and a fried egg. We call it the Good Morning Burger. I've got to help him.

Celebrate the independence of your nation by blowing up a small part of it. All right.

I'll make something of myself. You'll see. Uh-- Hey. What do you use for anesthetic? A big mallet? Gee, I'm starting to have second th--

You think you're so great anyway. Whoa! "The crowning achievement of the dog-maker's art, "this limited-edition collie comes fully trained...

It's Saturday! Okilly-dokilly-do!

KENT: Baby's got backlash!

Then came the greatest thrill of my life. Hello, Homer. I'm George Harrison. Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Where did you get that brownie? There's a big pile of 'em.

Sir, I have a small personal request. Oh, of course, Smithers. Anything. I disabled the button, sir. Anyway, I need some time off.

- So I’ve never been here before. - Hey, Waylon! Who’s the bear? Woof!

Fine. I will! Oh, no. My pudding is trapped forever! So I can open my own can of pudding, can I? Shows what you know, Marge.

Well, you kids are old enough to know the truth, and I'm not gonna sugarcoat it. So the tiny Aorta fairies will take Mr. Leg Vein on a long trip... to get married to Princess Left Ventricle. Dad, are you trying to tell us you're getting a coronary artery bypass graft? Uh, yeah. Oh, no.

Ooh, I almost forgot! I brought you all a little something. Aww, would you look at that? The "Pin Pals." At last, I finally have a garment fine enough to be married in.

Since the beginning of time, man has yearned to destroy the sun.

Bart, what are you doing ? Get down from there before the neighbors see-- Hey, Simpson. Doh ! Flanders, I don't care what this looks like. Bart's gonna mop the floor with your son's ugly butt !

I've even kept kosher just to be on the safe side. I've done everything the Bible says! Even the stuff that contradicts the other stuff!

Kill my boy. Kill my boy.

Waive it! Stupid anti-fist-shaking laws!

You know that playhouse? Well, I-- Good gravy! Oh, thank you. It's just brown and water.

"Go-Go Ray"? Allow me to demonstrate. What the-- Aah! Can't... stop... doing... the Monkey.

"Le grille"? What the hell is that?

Oh, boo yourself.

I want you to stop seeing her. I can't. I'm her manager. Her manager! That's ridiculous. I won't allow you to spend any more time away from your family. You're standing in the way of my boyhood dream... of managing a beautiful country singer! Your boyhood dream was to eat the world's biggest hoagie.

Hey, kids, it's time for Itchy and Scratchy ! They fight, they bite They bite and fight and bite Fight, fight, fight Bite, bite, bite the Itchy and Scratchy Show

Gentlemen, there's only one solution. We place this last doughnut in the reactor core... exposing it to radiation, thereby making it big! Yeah, it worked on my hand! Oh, wait. It's this hand. Whoa!

Really. I mean that. Sorry if it sounded sarcastic.

It's just how you might look if you were a cartoon character. I'm an ugmo. Now, that's not true. You're cute as a bug's ear.

How about the Clock Channel? Coming up on The Clock Channel- 6:00.

Laziness is counterrevolutionary. Questions are decadent! Fast hands mean less whipping.

Who needs the kwik-e-mart I do Hey, he's not happy at all! He lied to us through song! I hate when people do that!

Where's the baby? Where you left it. Shut up. Listen, fat boy-- No, you listen. This is my wife, and my kid. I'm paying for this delivery.

Give us the money! Elmo knows where you live. Please, help me. I'll do anything. I'll light a candle.

I hear those kids' voices are done by grown-ups. Hey, there's nothing wrong with that. I just wonder how they keep it so fresh after 43 episodes. I can't believe we paid to see a band... with Steve Guttenberg, Calista Flockhart, and Farty the Crippled Robot.

You can really taste the goat. Now, our final round which counts for 98% of the total score, making the previous rounds a complete waste. Don't forget. Today's winner will be immortalized on our new Duff calendar.

The music we just heard might never be heard again. Yeah. But it'll always live on... because we'll never forget it.

I'll keep it short and sweet. Family, religion, friendship. These are the three demons you must slay if you wish to succeed in business. When opportunity knocks, you don't want to be driving to the maternity hospital... or sitting in some phony-baloney church. Or synagogue.

Get moving or I'll tear you up like a Kleenex at a, uh, snot party.

Now, I'd better get out of here before I lose my family. just so I don't wonder-- you would have gone all the way with me? Uh-huh. Ooh. Okay.

Eugene Fisk. Isn't he your assistant ?

See you in hell, dinner plate.

Weren't you a little hard on him? Well, you knew I had a temper when you married me.

Are you nuts? I can barely get through one show on Friday! Even with the... (INHALING) You know, smelling flowers? Such expensive flowers, filled with remorse. Anyway, we gotta book a guest host!

And now for my final thought. Nobody wins when parents put their petty squabbles above the welfare of a child. Let's hope they put their differences aside and do what's best for Maggie.

- Ow! - Ow, that hurts! Man, we're stupid. Hate you guys.

Someone should really go up there and talk to him. Homer! Ohh, all those stairs.

The clothes you wear on stage should be a defiant statement of individuality. Like this, Mr. Kravitz? God, no. May we talk about, uh, accentuating the- masculine area? Did you hear that, people? Apu asked about crotch stuffing. Now, I dont do it. Kenny Loggins does.

Hello. World's worst babysitter speaking. Lisa, I'm glad I reached you. Are you available to babysit tonight?

Acid, eh? Gee. That would have been stupid. Boy, would my face have been red. Stop laughing, you imbecile. Don't you realize how close you just came to killing yourself?

La, la, la, la, la, la, la Marge, keep it down in there! Homer, my audition is in half--

Can't sleep. Clown'll eat me. Oh, Doctor! We are seconds away... from the hundred-meter butterfly. And with the East German-- women shaving their backs 9,000 miles away, the Americans are heavy favorites. Patience, my pet.

You liar! You did it, you lying jerk! Take that! You did it! Objection! He's not asking any questions.

Oh, I'll come back, all right, and I'll bring my husband to do a little malpractice on you) Yes, your husband. I'm sure he's going to be furious. Hmph!

You know, honey, when I think of all the good times we've had together-- Did you see that, Marge? Oh, my God! You walked into the fountain! Get out of the fountain! Just stand still, and I'll get someone!

Homer mad! Aah! Aah! Thank God his pants stayed on. Ohh! Homer mad! Homer smash! Get revenge on world!

I want some taquitos.

This is even more painful than it looks.

But wait, you can't kill me for being Krusty. I'm not him! I'm Homer Simpson! The same Homer Simpson who crashed his car through the wall of our club? Uh, actually, my name is Barney. Yeah, Barney Gumble. The same Barney Gumble who keeps taking pictures of my sister? Actually, my real name is-- think, Krusty, think-- joe Valachi!

Ooh, sorry, kid. Sorry. I'm not used to the laughter of children. It cuts through me like a dentist's drill. But, no, that was funny, you taking away my dignity like that. Ha-ha.

Nine glorious years later, I completed my Ph.D. thesis. 200,000 precisely ordered punch cards... comprising the world's very first tic-tac-toe program. Only the top human players could beat it. Hey, what's this one for? Oh!

Don't forget Ken Starr!

Hey, what the-- Oh!

Okay. Gilligan, the Skipper, and Chief Wiggum. - Name three castaways. - Hi-oh! Ooh! Clancy, use the remote. Oh, yeah.

Yeah? Well, I got news for ya. This ain't makeup.

Whoa! If only I were in Springfield, all my friends would be cheering me on.

Yes, there is. There's a garage full of counterfeit jeans. Uh, they've, uh, mysteriously disappeared. Looking good, boys.

Yes, you can. This is Armin's life. Maybe it's not perfect, but at least I'm back where I belong.

Well, therefore, you certainly would never lose your temper... over something as trivial as the pronunciation of "chowder." That's "chowdah!" "Chowdah!" I'll kill you! I'll kill all of you! Especially those of you in the jury! He's clearly guilty. Wow, that didn't go well. The defense rests.

Nice nab, Simpson.

Hey, I've only been here a few minutes. What's going on? You ugly, hate-filled man! Hey-- Hey, I may be ugly and hate-filled, but I've, um-- What was the third thing you said?

Mind if I chew your ear? Dad, you killed the Zombie Flanders. He was a zombie?

Something fun. Something the men will enjoy, like a safety drill. But what kind? Uh, "Meltdown Alert"? "Mad Dog Drill"? "Blimp Attack"? Ah! I think a good old-fashioned fire drill today!

How many can I put you down for? A lot? Please say a lot. I need this.

They practically live in their own filth.

Everybody was kung fu fighting Those cats were fast as lightning Good times.

Who the devil are you? It's Homer Simpson! My name is Homer Simpson! Well, I don't think anyone in this family is capable of attempted murder.

He's changed, and he doesn't want to hang around with a bunch of crumb-bums. Crumb-bums? Nobody calls me a crumb-bum!

Step away from the wall! Step away from the wall! Oh, it's so beautiful! One churro, please. That'll be $14.

Agreed. Number two: The jury will be chosen by me. Agreed. No, wait! Silence! I give you the jury of the damned! Benedict Arnold. Lizzie Borden. Richard Nixon. But I'm not dead yet. In fact, I just wrote an article for Redbook. Hey, listen, I did a favor for you. Yes, master.

Nothin' at all. Nothin' at all. Stupid sexy Flanders! Ow! My leg! This is the worst pain ever! Ow! Ohh! Uhh! Aah! Ohh! Uhh!

I know that I'm in lovE with an uptown girl I buried Flanders. Shh!

Secondly, I have not always been known as jebediah Springfield. Till 1796 I was Hans Sprungfeld, murderous pirate. And the half-wits of this town will never learn the truth. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!

Attention, everyone. The punch has been spiked!

from the hurly-burly of modern life.

Oh, man. He'll blow our winning streak. Yeah. Call this an unfair generalization if you must, but old people are no good at everything. Look, guys, it's not that simple. He's my boss. I'll tell you what. I'll give him a shot, and if he stinks, it'll be easier to tell him no.

Hey, Dad, that light says "check engine." Uh-oh. Tape must've fallen off. There. Problem solved.

And weren't you once in a loony bin? Oh, yeah! He's right, folks. The only story here is the rich, smooth taste of Duff. Yes, that is an important story, but so is this! It--

"The Grapes of Wrath"? I don't get it. Here's the grapes, and here's the wrath. Ew! Ha-ha! Yes, yes. Very good wrath. Ah, let's see.

Whoa ! You certainly have a lot of bowling trophies.

What do I do? What do I do?

(SNORING) Cuckold! Cuckold! Cuckold! What's a cuckold?

What the hell's this? Melvin and the Squirrels. Part of the rodent invasion of the early '60s. Stuck a feather in his cap and called it-- Rice-A-Roni Melvin!

Hello. I'm Shaquille O'Neal. Let us in, please. You two are not welcome. Sorry, Son. Thanks for the tip-off. No problem.

Luann loves it! Loves it when I fail!

I'll make people laugh. Herschel, life is serious. Seltzer is for drinking, not for spraying. Pie is for noshing, not for throwing. But, Papa... But nothing! You'll do as I say or you'll get such a zetz that you won't even know what hit you.

So Connie roamed the prairie alone... planting apples seeds all along the way. She even changed her last name to Appleseed. And her family changed theirs to Bufflekill.

I guess I have been pretty hard on a lot of people, especially my dad. Thanks, you guys. Lisa, before you go, would you like to hear a song? Wow! That'd be great! Okay. Take it, apu. I'm sergeAnt pepper's lonely hearts club man I hope I Will enjoy my show

I hate the public so much. If only they'd elect me, I'd make 'em pay.

we thought this time we'd take you to Disneyland for real. Yea! Hey!

Looks like he's ready to dive, folks! Another incredible performance by this water-loving wonder horse!

Ow ! Nevermore, nevermore, nevermore, nevermore, nevermore-- Dag-- Doggone it !

Barney's is july 15, same as Lassie's,

Mr. and Mrs. Simpson, your boy's gonna need one thing. (READING) Don't you mean "tough love"? Tough love. Of course! This has never made sense! The sign shop guy lied. Stanley, you didn't question the word "luck"? Now look what we got! Thanks for the correction. That's part of the honesty.

Rejoice, good people! Goliath the Terrible shall rule no more! But Goliath was the greatest king we ever had. Wha-- He built roads, hospitals, libraries. To us he was Goliath the Consensus Builder. You're under arrest for "megacide."

I hope that Marge knows Just how lucky she is I do.

I thought you said she was overweight. It takes two to lie-- one to lie and one to listen. What does that mean? I don't have time to answer that.

and no one remembers that word. But here are some words everyone remembers by Huey Lewis and the News. I want a new drug One that won't make me sick One that won't make me crash my car Or make me feel 3 feet thick

Hey! This has been a Gracie Films presentation.

Cool, man. A media circus.

Oh, really now, that's too much.

Those were the dAys and you knew where you were then Watching shows like gentle Ben Mister, we could use A man like sheriff lobo again diSco duck and fleetwood Mac

Wait. (GRUNTING) I did it. I pulled it out. And with no brain damage... (STUTTERING REPEATEDLY) Now we'll get all your chips out, go to the police and shut this place down.

Let's say hello to my music guy, Scoey.

We've heard enough. Your Honor, we find that Homer Simpson's soul is legally the property... of Marge Simpson and not of the devil. Yea! Whoo-hoo-- Ow! All right, Simpson. You get your soul back.

Dios mio, this kid is fun to hit!

Burns was rushed to a nearby hospital, where he was pronounced dead. He was then transferred to a better hospital, where doctors upgraded his condition to alive.

Malloy said, "I'll catch up with you." I couldn't quite put my finger on it. There was something strange about the way he walked. Much more vertical than usual.

Hey, Homer. What are you doing at work? The plant's closed for fumigation.

Big deal! When I was a pup, we got spanked by presidents till the cows came home. Grover Cleveland spanked me on two nonconsecutive occasions! Grampa, I know in your day spanking was common, but Homer and I just don't believe in that kind of punishment. And that's why your no-good kids are running wild!

And I say England's greatest prime minister was Lord Palmerston! Pitt, the Elder. Lord Palmerston! Pitt, the Elder! Okay, you asked for it, Boggs. Uh! Yeah, that's showing him, Barney. Pitt, the Elder.

See this, Son? That's where we're going to live. Maybe not today. Maybe not tomorrow. But someday. Later that day, we set sail for America.

Live, from the Springfield Civic Auditorium-- it's "The Simpsons 138th Episode Spectacular!" Hello, I'm Troy McClure. You may remember me from such Fox Network specials as...

Oh! Why did I have to stop at the railroad tracks? Better get Some change.

It's been St. Patrick's Day for hours, and I'm still not drunk yet! Oh, it's never gonna be 9:00. Moe! Moe! Thank God you're here. We'd like to come in and drink, please. We kicked down the back door, but then there was a metal door. Yeah, all right. Listen up. This is the busiest drinking day of the year.

But get a cheap one, and what happens? It goes off, takes out the eyeballs of every kid in the room. What's that gonna cost you? Bill, what did that cost us?

So, you like doughnuts, eh? - Uh-huh. - Well, have all the doughnuts in the world!

Oh, I'll kill myself if Portugal doesn't win.

Dad, stop! It's only assault. Don't make it murder! Ignore. Ignore. ANNOUNCER: You are a big man. Big man!

You're a fraud-- A total fraud. It was nice meeting you.

You're all crazy. Crazy as a--

According to Eternity magazine the feeling of guilt has been linked to gamephenomene. Dow Chemical is developing a minty gel to eliminate excess guilt but it won't be on the market for six months so I guess you'll have to confess to Milhouse.

What's going on here? I'm so bulgy. My stomach sticks way out in front and my--

They drove a dump truck full of money up to my house. I'm not made of stone!

You call that a knife? This is a knife. Down I go. Oh.

Welcome to the noble family of skilled Krustaceans. You will now go back to your hometowns... and do kids' parties, swap meets... and all the other piddly crap I wouldn't touch with a 10-foot clown pole. Now, come and get your cat-skins-- uh, I mean, sheepskins.

What the hell was that? Calling home planet. This is Ensign Kang reporting a cigar-shaped object moving at tremendous speed. Sure, Kang, I'm writing it all down.

If you make this promise, you have to keep it. Why ? 'Cause if you don't, I'll never believe anything you say... ever again. Aw, come on.

Now, my story begins in nineteen dickety-two. We had to say "dickety," 'cause the kaiser had stolen our word "twenty." I chased that rascal to get it back... but gave up after dickety-six miles.

Seymour, tell me what time it is, now! 7:00, Friday night, Mother. Time for our weekly silhouette. No! Cutting out your ugly nose gives me a hand cramp! Oh, but you love silhouette night.

Oi! Oi! Is your name on the list? Don't you know who I am? It's okay, Cecil. They're V.I.P.s. Cecil is a girl's name.

with a vulcanized rubber listening tube... which you crammed in your ear. The tube would go in easier with Some sort of lubricant... like linseed oil or Dr. Shumway's--

The Itchy and Scratchy Show

Here we go again. Three, two, one. Happy New Year! It must be wonderful to ring in the New Year...

Simba, on the ball. Aaah! Not the face! Ah, they'll be chewing on him for a while. ¡Ay, Ay, Ay! ¡La policÍA! Hey, Homer. Phone call.

Damn Burns. Lemme just get one thing. Me too. Ah, now there's the inflated sense of self-esteem.

f Lisa's Voice f f Bats Voice f

And now, let's give a big Fort Springfield welcome... to Mr. Bob Hope! What's the mayor's name? Quimby. Beautiful. Hello, this is Bob "What the hell am I doing in Springfield" Hope.

Someone finally bought a copy of your book, sir.

The United States is due to win a war sometime. Oh, good Lord! It a Swingline! (GASPS) (SCREAMS) Medic! (GROANS) (BOTH STRAINING) Skinner!

Aah! Guys, guys! This is the wrong movie.

Happy birthday to you Happy birthday - Happy birthday to you - Happy birthday Happy birthday, Burnsie Happy birthday to you Go to hell, you old bastard. Hey, I think they liked us. Have the Rolling Stones killed.

I brought you your Krusty doll. Ow! Knock it off, you bald boob! Don't make me come down there! Like to see you Fit. Why, you little...! Put a man on him. I like the other boy. So polite.

Pretty, huh, Chief? It sure is, Lou. It sure is. Get the tear gas. EaCh trip's A trip to paradise with my baby on board

Out of the way, Midge.

Well done, young man. Your youthful trendiness will come in handy throughout the courting process... because these days, you-- Where did you get that pie? Windowsill. You! Hmm? New underpants?

Okay, we've got cocktail weenies and Swedish meatballS. this wedding is spinning out of control. I've run through eight of the ten dollars... they gave me when I left prison. I told you I got money. I bought stock in a Mace company...

Sir Ian McKellen! You're my favorite Shakespearean actor. Thank you, my dear. Please take these free tickets to my play. What? What play? We thespians believe it's bad luck to mention the name of this particular play out loud.

Why did I take such punishment? Let's just say that fame was like a drug. But what was even more like a drug was the drugs.

You ever gone on a killing spree? No, no. The day of the gun-toting, disgruntled postman... shooting up the place went out with the Macarena. Well, I'm just glad I work at an elementary school.

No, I don't think we'll be telling them that.

Shall we ever see Springfield's costumed protector again? Oh, I have a funny feeling we will. Wherever people are mistreated, the Pie Man will strike! (CHUCKLES)

Hi, Lisa. Hi, Super Nintendo Chalmers. I'm "learnding." Aw, way to go, Ralph.

We're too powerful. Yeah, you're right. But before I go, I'm gonna give you a little souvenir of my own! Oh, what the hey. Here you go. Thank you, Dad.

J Jellyfish, along you came;

Something wrong, Officer? Yep. Got a taillight out. - Where? - Right there. You know, one day, honest citizens are gonna stand up to you crooked cops. They are? Oh, no! Have they set a date?

Unbelievable. We're rewarding people for acting like buffoons.

There's only one beer left, and it's Bart's. Hey, boy, how's the microphone working? Fine. Bart! I would love to get a present like that. Here you go. Enjoy. D'oh!

Yes, finally. I would like to return your quote, unquote "Ultimate Belt." I see. Do you have receipt, quote, unquote "sir"? No, I do not have a receipt. I won it as a door prize at the Star Trek convention, although I find their choice of prize highly illogical, as the average Trekker has no use for a medium-sized belt.

Ahhh! (SNOWBALL II MEOWING) Shame on you two creeps! It's your fault for giving birth to my archenemy! At least I was planned! (BOTH GRUNTING) Stop it! No one was planned!

Oh, crap! I certainly shouldn't have said it was illegal. It's too hot today.

I make as much as "Malcolm in the Middle,"

Oh, it's beautiful, Dad. It's a crane. The japanese believe they bring good luck. Oh, be careful. We need that money to get home. No!

I got a job for thee. Bring forth all the cookies from your kitchen and leave them on the Simpsons' porch. But those belong to our parents. Look, do you want a happy God or a vengeful God? Happy God. Then quit flapping your lip. Yes, sir. Yes, sir.

Appearing exclusively here at The Android's Dungeon-- Take that, Messieurs Barnes and Noble. The king of splatter, Tom Savini! Good evening. Sorry, I had a really big dinner. Whoo! Dinner!

Hey, don't throw your garbage down here!

Get back here, boy. You're a disgrace to this family, and its proud naval tradition. Well, I'm keeping this earring, and you can't stop me! Oh. I always thought Lisa would be the one to get her ears pierced.

Well, this sucks. What else is on?

if they send us to that terrible Planet of the Apes. Wait a minute. Statue of Liberty. That was our planet! You maniacs! You blew it up! Damn you! Damn you all to hell!

Mmm. Various eggs.

Oh, shush yourself. English - US - Line 21

Hey. Where is everybody?

It won't come down for months! Curse the man who invented helium! Curse Pierre jules Cesar janssen! Now to find out who did this. Bart, empty your pockets! Empty my pockets, you say? Well, certainly. But I fail to see how-- Hmm. Blueprints of the dummy,

Uncky Herb! Bart! Lisa! I'm so glad to see you. You weren't so glad to see me. I'm sorry, but I'm still mad at you. Every word you say makes me want to punch you.

w'w' f Computerized Piano f f Female Announcer] Howdy, partners. My name is Sheriff- f Homer's Voice f Lisa Simpson. f A nnouncer] i sure am hungry for my favorite food- f Homer's Voice] McNuggets. I dont like McNuggets. I'm a vegetarian. Still? Then you’re not gonna like your other present.

- Champagne ? - Please. There, my darling. Thank you. What cosmic force brought us together, Marge ?

And we've come to see...

What a crappy candle.

'Scuse me, Lisa, but i couldn't help but overhear your nerdly predicament. Maybe I can be of assistance with the dancing and the twisting... and the kung fu fighting.

I meant killer Italians.

I am the thing from Uranus! Oh, it's Bart. I can't believe it.

You wouldn't understand, Dad. You're not with it. I used to be "with it." But then they changed what "it" was. Now what I'm with isn't "it," and what's "it" seems weird and scary to me. It'll happen to you!

Whoa, that was the caller from hell. Well, hot dog, we have a "Wiener." Man, that thing's great. Don't praise the machine.

I hear you loud and clear. Bart, are you taking a bath?

Tonight: The Simpsons, as you've never seen them before, on Behind the Laughter.

What the-- Oh, hi, Billy. Let's find out together. D.N.A. is God's recipe for making you. You take a dash of Dad, a pinch of Mom, then we bake for nine months, and--

just a minute! Don't hang up! Y'ello? You'll have to speak up. I'm wearing a towel.

Promote that man. The navy has a fine sense of tradition. Whenever an American vessel leaves port, the crew sings this ancient sea chanty: A'one, a'two, a'three--

Hey, Billy, hey, joey-- Come on in. There's plenty of room. Sorry. Not you, Homer. Why not? But you let in Homer Glumpet. It says "No Homers." We're allowed to have one.

Of all things to ever come back and bite me in the ass, this is the worst! Please, just leave me alone.

But what the audience didn't see was the unfunny aftermath. Mmm. Somehow, Homer became addicted to painkillers. it was the only way he could perform... the bone-cracking physical comedy... Ow! My leg! that made him a star. This is the worst pain ever!

My name is Barney, and I'm an alcoholic. Mr. Gumble, this is a Girl Scout meeting. Is it? Or is it that you girls can't admit you have a problem?

He's trying to climb over the fence! Now he's realizing he's too fat. He's digging a hole like a dog. Now he's given up on that and he's running back and forth. He's climbing into a pipe and he seems to be stuck. His legs are dangling in a comical fashion. Oh, it's the saddest thing I've ever seen.

Son, let's stop the fussin' and the feudin'.

All week, my lifelong dream was to be the next Thomas Edison, but now it's over. I guess I'll just give up my hopes and dreams... and settle for being a decent husband and father. Homer! Dad! Huh? What happened? You didn't fall.

Yes, I'd like to send this letter to the Prussian consulate in Siam by aeromail. Am I too late for the 4:30 autogiro? Um, better look in the manual. Ignorance.

All I brought is a dime. I didn't know there'd be pornography. Sold, for 12 cents. Oh, my beloved pornography. I can't watch this anymore.

Yeah, I guess you're right. Enjoy Boob-A-Rama, sir.

- Whoo-hoo! - Whoo-hoo! Simpson, what in God's name are you-- Zagnut bar, Mr. Smithers? Razzles, Skittles, Whatchamacallits, Twizzlers? They all have hilarious names and are delicious. Well, I am partial to jolly Ranchers. Mmm. Good work, Simpson. Simpsons.

Tonight on Wings-- Ah, who cares?

Red Barclay's my name. I'm a trucker. And I've eaten steaks from coast to coast with taters and toast. Take my advice. This one's not for greenhorns. Greenhorn? Who's a greenhorn? What's a greenhorn? It's an insult. Sock him, Dad. Sock everybody.

Huh. That was easy. Why did you think a big balloon would stop people? Shut up! That's why. Oh! What a horrible four months. Now to warn everybody!

What? This is a travesty! Everyone knows I'm the best actor in this ridiculous school! Sit down, Rex. I will not sit down. Someone's gotten to you, you deceitful cow! That's absurd, Rex. Ralph won the part fair and square.

Sure. I'd be happy to tell you my problem. I've got a venue the whole world will be watching and nothing to fill it with. Wait a minute. You've got a medium, and I've got a message. Maybe God brought us together for a reason. Yeah. You help me and I, in turn, am helped by you.

Move it, bub! We got an installation to "installate."

Now I'll have more time to read things I find on the ground. "La-tex Con-dom." Boy, I'd like to live in one of those!

"Gomer upsets Sergeant Carter." Oh, I'll never forget that episode. Pyle! Shazam! Pyle! Shazam! Pyle! Shazam! Shazam.

I can hear you walking by-- It stinks! It stinks! It stinks! Yes, Mr. Sherman. Everything stinks.

Take that, Bowlarama. Take that, convenience mart. Take that, nuclear power pl-- Oh, fiddlesticks.

Evenin', neighbor. Low on funds again? Yes, sir. Now, Homer, we can't have you burglarizing us... every time you got a bill to pay. I know, sir. I'm sorry, sir. It's just that you and Maude live like royalty in your fancy castle, while I got Marge trapped over there like a pig in a mud beehive.

Bigfoot. The legendary half-man half-ape is no longer a legend. He's very, very real. What you're about to see is unedited video footage... taken earlier today in the hills three miles southwest of Tenderfoot Gorge.

Ah! What the hell is this? Some kind of tube? Hey-- Well, thanks for takin' care of Dole for me. Hey!

Hello. I'm Troy McClure. You might remember me from such show business funerals... as "Andre the Giant, We Hardly Knew Ye," and "Shemp Howard: Today We Mourn a Stooge." Now, Krusty's closest friend and sidekick, Sideshow Mel. I'll miss you, Krusty-- I and all the other Sideshows--

Come on, Bart. Ride me. I better not. He's insulting both of us.

and while we speak in a well-educated manner, they tend to use lowbrow expressions like, "Oh, yeah?" and "C'mere a minute." Oh, yeah? They think they're better than us, huh? Bart, c'mere a minute! You c'mere a minute! Oh, yeah?

Well, this is the most important man on the tour. He's in charge of quality control. Fine. Fine. Mouse. Fine. Mouse. Rat. Fine. Syringe. Fine. Nose. Fine.

Oh, no! Not Lenny! Not Lenny! Yes, I'm going to have to work late... instead of seeing you and the kids, which is what I really want. Okay. Sure. Kids, turn off the TV. I have some bad news about Lenny. Not Lenny!

Hey, what the-- Oh! Everybody-- Everybody get naked! Come on. Don't be stuck-up. It's going to be great. Well, why not? This party's just getting started!

Have no fears We've got stories for years Like Marge becomes a robot Maybe Moe gets a cell phone Has Bart ever owned a bear Or how 'bout a crazy wedding Where something happens and doo doo doo doo doo Sorry for the clip show

I hate this place.

I mean, if you're the police, who will police the police? I dunno. Coast Guard?

Hey, you're lookin' at that spokesjack! Well, I can fantasize too! Hmm. Woo! Mama Celeste. You touch me and I cut you! Oh. Homer, I'll tell you what I told Redford.

Look, our ratings are down, and the station is being swamped... with angry calls and letter bombs. And it's all your fault. Yes, it is, ma'am. This is the Dj-3000. It plays CDs automatically, and it has three distinct varieties of inane chatter.

It's my lifelong dream. Your lifelong dream was to run out on the field during a baseball game, and you did it last year, remember? Oh, yeah.

I am a washing machine. Do what I say. Take that! In the face! You knocked his block off! Come with me.

Sounding good, Lise.

Here's why they shouldn't get anything. One--

What is all this stuff? Uh, we've heard you've become a star. We decided we better start living in the fast lane. What if I'm not a success? How will you pay for all this? I'm sorry. I can't hear you, son. I'm wearing a jacuzzi suit.

Oh, loneliness and cheeseburgers are a dangerous mix.

A few years back, Bart was adopted by Mr. Burns. In this very special outtake, Homer attempts a reconciliation... with his estranged son. Watch. Bart, you're coming home. I want to stay here with Mr. Burns. I suggest you leave immediately.

And so, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I rest my case.

The A.M.A. tries to drive you guys out of business. Now you're doing the same to me! Think about the irony. You've been warned. Stop chiropracting! Not unless you think about the irony!

Homer, I want you to encourage Lisa with her science fair project. Yeah. Syrup is better than jelly.

That house is on fire. Motivated seller.

We're talking about S-E-X in front of the C-H-i-L-D-R-E-N. Sex Cauldron? I thought they closed that place down!

It was just vapor lock. I'm dead. So if I play, the guys are gonna kill me. If I don't, I'll be letting Homer down. What am I gonna do? Well, I know you don't want to disappoint Dad, but how do you feel about lying to him?

Don't blame me. I didn't do it.

Water's boiling. Quick. Chuck him in. Uh-- - Come on. Chuck him in. - Okay. Let's go. In the pot. In the pot. But, Marge, look at this little guy. Looks like an ordinary-- Ow! Son of a-- Feel that, Marge? He likes you.

Found 'em! You kids are in big trouble, running away from home like this! But they stole our lemon tree! I don't care what excuse you've got. Nothing's gonna stop me in the middle of this speech. You're gonna-- Lemon tree?

If there's A task that must be done don't turn your tail and run don't pout don't sob just do A half-assed Job if you

I'm ruined! Forbes called it: Overblown, don't you think? What about New Coke? Hey! I invented that.

Can we get rid of this ayatollah T-shirt? Khomeini died years ago. But, Marge, it works on any ayatollah-- Ayatollah Nakhbadeh, Ayatollah Zahedi. As we speak, Ayatollah Razmara and his cadre of fanatics are consolidating their power. I don't care who's consolidating their power.

But now, because of your distrustful nature, that can never be. For a superior race, they really rub it in. There were monsters on that ship, and truly, we were them.

- Out. - I'm gonna get out of the car, and I hope you'll find it in your heart not to drive awa-- Well, I'll be all right as long as I can remember my army training. Dang!

Well, something did. I don't want you stalking anyone tonight. Oh, okay, have it your own way, Marge. I'll be back in a minute. I'm... going outside... to... stalk... Lenny and Carl. D'oh!

We bought a wicker basket from Trader Pete's, and he was passed out inside.

Debate, like arguing ?

The TV! The TV! Show Wow! They'll never let us show that again, not in a million years! Dad, start digging some nerd holes.

Now! Now! How could I not become a radical... when we were fighting a force of pure evil? Hey, hey, Mr. Burns! Enough already with the germs.

Sure. Sure we had. Of course we was caves. But every cave had a national anthem. I'll never forget my cave's national anthem.

Oh! What are you doing to me? I said start it at 60 r.p.m., then move it up to 100 on the skirt blow! - Sorry, Krusty, I choked. - You choked? You choked?

I think it's sad that you equate friendliness with wimpiness, and I hope it'll keep you from ever achieving true popularity. You know what I think ? I think Casper's the ghost of Richie Rich. Hey, they do look alike. I wonder how Richie died. Perhaps he realized how hollow the pursuit of money is and took his own life.

My dear, sweet Pinchy. No more pain where you are now, boy. Oh, God! That's tasty. I wish Pinchy were here to enjoy this.

See you in hell, Seymour! Good-bye, Mother.

Ooh, sounds delish. Let me just toss some jeans on and-- Wait a minute. Who is this? Well, howdilly dodilly-do. Hello?

I don't know, Marge. I can't be expected to keep track of all my wheelings and dealings. He blew all your savings on jack-o'-lanterns. You told! Sorry, Marge. I never want to see you again! You either.

Hey, kids, always recycle... to the extreme! Busted!

In a bold move that has stunned Hollywood insiders, newly divorced comeback kid Troy McClure... has turned down the supporting lead in McBaiN iv... to direct and star in his own pet project,

Excuse me, miss. You asked about the monorail?

I'm here to pick up the ambassador from Ghana. Well, he's not here! Nobody's here! And none of you should be here! You've all been tricked! Why would the ambassador do such a thing? This is ridiculous.

Bart, you want some brownie before you go to bed? Come on. Let me cut you a brownie while they're still hot.

Ew! You like The Monkees? You know they don't write their own songs. They do so! They don't even play their own instruments. No! No! That's not even Michael Nesmith's real hat.

Y'ello? Mayday, Mayday! The engine room has sprung a leak. It's filling up with a clear, nonalcoholic liquid. You mean, water? Yeah, that's it. We got a pinhole leak and there's no way to plug it.

Oh, yeah. Hey, there, Kirk. Oh, boy! What's going on? Patio party? Nah. A possum drowned in the pool. You have any garbage bags? Ah, just throw it over the fence. Let Arby's worry about it.

Who died and made you boss? Mr. Estes, the publications adviser. I edited the whole thing. If you hadn't done it, some other loser would have, so quit milking it.

Oy! That's gotta hurt!

The town of Springfield has been classified "N.W.B.," or "Nuclear Whipping Boy." In the first moments of a nuclear war, Springfield will be bombed at will... by all friendly nations to calibrate their missiles.

Scully, you're cut. Uh, Brooks, Groening, Simon, you're all cut. Castellaneta, gone. Kavner, cut. Cartwright, cut. Smith, sorry. Cut. Azaria and Shearer, you're cut. Firestone, you're cut. So is judge. Namath, you stay.

And while you're there, would you pick up some of that nice green moon money for me-- Royce McCutcheon. No deal, McCutcheon. That moon money is mine!

Mickey Rooney! Hi, Milhouse. The studio sent me to talk to you, being a former child star myself, and... the number-one box office draw from 1939 through 1940! Wow! Spanning two decades.

- The door already is closed. - What? This is Colonel Leslie "Hap" Hapablap. If you don't open that door, I'll tear you up like a Kleenex at a snot party! You say you're in the military? Sweet Enola Gay, son! I'm gonna come in there and corpse you up! Corpse you up and mail you to mama!

But, Aquaman, you cannot marry a woman without gills. You're from two different worlds. Oooh, I've wasted my life.

He's getting away. After him ! We gotta take him alive. You got that tranquilizer gun ready ?

And go see your son. He misses you. Oh, I miss him too, the big, fat dickens.

What's a Tim Conway? Oh, about a 120 pounds.

It's a lovely day for a launch here, live at Cape Canaveral... at the lower end of the Florida peninsula.

I'm terribly sorry, sir. I'm afraid our facilities are not equipped to meet your needs. What are you talking about? What I'm saying, sir, is that a man of your carriage... couldn't possibly fit in our seats. I could sit in the aisle. I'm afraid that would violate the fire code.

Oh, my, yes. I'm on a secret project that I'm not at liberty to divulge. Cyborgs. I invented a program that downloads porn off the Internet one million times faster. Does anybody need that much porno? Oh. One million times.

Good luck, sir. No bag boys are gonna stop Lenny... from hosting a casual get-together. Casual? I can taste that get-together now. Hey! I was holding that. Next time I'll knock your hat off, scab.

You are so beautiful to me Can't you see can't you see Oh, Homer !

Major shot! You even compensated for the crooked sight.

The chain that put the "fat" in fat Southern sheriffs! I want a colossal doughnut, just like the one on the sign. D'oh! Nuts!

The only true Catwoman is julie Newmar, Lee Meriwether or Eartha Kitt. And I didn't need molded plastic to improve my physique. Pure West. And how come Batman doesn't dance anymore? Remember the Batusi?

How could you let this happen? How could you let this happen? I wasn't here. Oh, how convenient. Homer, do you want your son to become chief justice of the Supreme Court... or a sleazy male stripper? Can't he be both, like the late Earl Warren? Earl Warren wasn't a stripper. Now who's being naive?

How about a tactical nuclear strike? Oh, that would be just-- Ohh. You're just yanking my chain, aren't you? Perhaps this foghorn will answer your question. Enough! Get in the net. I don't wanna!

Give me those! And those. And those.

But, Marge, look at that hangdog expression. He's learned his lesson. Let's get him a present.

Add one informed electorate. Baste well with veto power."

As your president, I would demand... a science fiction library... featuring an ABC of the overlords of the genre: Asimov, Baxter, Clarke-- What about Ray Bradbury ? I'm aware of his work.

I... am a coward!

Oh-- What was I laughing at now? Oh, yes. That crippled Irishman.

Homer, I thought you were an animal, but your daughter said you were a decent man.

Lurleen will be a big success, and I'll be there. Fine. See if I care!

that you've done a wonderful job with Lisa. You must have read to her at a young age. I did. I did read to her. "8:00. Happy Days. "The Fonz, Henry Winkler, is worried he's losing his cool." Well, I've always been a firm believer in the three "Rs"--

Whoa! Sign's floating away, Chief.

Why don't those stupid idiots let me in their crappy club for jerks?

- Not even a little one? - No!

You want the pee bucket on your head? No! You're twisting my words!

I'll take him out, sir. Shake, shake, shake shake, shake, shake Shake, shake, shake His ass is gonna blow!

And the next 20 callers will get this album of museum noises. Now your music room can sound... just like the Metropolitan Museum in New York. Outstanding.

I was banned from the car wash forever. Forever? How awful! I would have killed Dinkley for that. As you can see, we're a contemptible lot of cads, bounders and tiger stabbers. Come, stranger. join our circle of infamy. Tell us your story of ennui.

Look, you're a sweet kid. But I'm not exactly father material. I curse, I gamble, I pick fights with homeless people, I--

Testing. Testing. You've really done it this time, Bart! You're in for the punishment of a lifetime! When do you expect the ringing will stop? In about 10 to 15 seconds! I certainly hope so!

When Bart's done, can we Moe to the Moevies for the Moetinee? Of course. All work and Moe play makes Moe a Moe Moe. Moe Moe Moe Moe Moe? Moe Moe Moe. Moe Moe Moe Moe Moe. Moe Moe Moe Moe. Moe.

Ah, au gratin potatoes. That's a quality side.

Until now, this was the only way to get juice from an orange. You mean there's a better way?

Lisa graduating two years early. And Bart... Graduating.

(SQUEAKING) I'll dance for my money! (SINGING DRUNKENLY)

Yahoo! And every night the monkey butlers will regale us with jungle stories.

Pretty soon, every boy and girl in Springfield Elementary School is gonna come see this thing. Really ? Why ?

Yeah, they ate all my socks! I have to wear Lisa's to school today. How do you explain the culottes, boy? Well, I have to coordinate.

Five dollars a child? Last year, it was free. Mmm. New ownership. B-- But we don't have that kind of money. In fact, no school could afford the--

It's Kurns, stupid!

Mayor Quimby supports revolving-door prisons. Mayor Quimby even released Sideshow Bob, a man twice convicted of attempted murder. Can you trust a man like Mayor Quimby? Vote Sideshow Bob for mayor.

Smartline, with our local Emmy Award-winning host, Kent Brockman. Is it a masterpiece ? Or just some guy with his pants down ? That's our topic tonight on Smartline. Now, Mrs. Simpson,

Well, I'm a Gypsy. Oh, really? Prove it. Well-- "I 'vant' to suck your blood!" Nuh-uh. That's a vampire. But, uh, they're also covered. Carry on.

- So the last time you saw your father was six years ago? - Yeah. He left me out on the curb for the ashman. What a revoltin' development. You brave little soldier.

Take five, Mrs. Feesh.

Con: You're endangering your health. Pro: I'm drought and famine resistant. Con: You're setting a bad example for the children. Pro: I, uh, don't have to go to work. Con: You're running the air conditioner nonstop. It's freezing in here. Pro: Uh-- Uh, I love you.

By gum, it worked. I've awakened in the future. "Moon Pie." What a time to be alive.

Ooh, that's bad.

We got new clothes from the donation bin. I'm a surfer! Look, Daddy. Todd is stupid, and I'm with him. And now Mommy's stupid!

No, you owe me $900! I-- YOu-- Ooh-- Y-- You're just some punk kid, aren't ya? You picked the wrong guy to tangle with here, mate. I don't think so. You're all the way in Australia. Hey, I think I hear a dingo eating your baby.

I thought I recognized you. I gave you a plate of corn muffins back in 1947 to paint my chicken coop. And you never did it! Those corn muffins were lousy. Paint my chicken coop! Make me!

This orange drink is the only way... to recoup our terrible losses from Fire Drill Follies. I just don't know what went wrong. You opened the show with a fire drill, and everyone cleared out. Mm. So Mother was right. It was my fault.

My hobby is secretly videotaping couples in cars. I didn't come forward, because in this country, it makes you look like a pervert. But every single Scottish person does it! Oh, baby. Oh, yeah. Oh, baby. Ah, no, that's Mayor Quimby.

Oh, yeah, right. Then we're goin' to Las Vegas-- Which is actually back in that direction. Nobody's gonNa tAke my Ned gonna teach him to have fun ooh, he's A FlanderS machine--

Cobbler. The other thing about TV dinners, you don't have leftovers, you have reruns. TV dinner jokes? Ooh! Take that, Swanson's.

All right! You guys are my new best friends. You wish, loser! (GRUNTS)

Then Brad Goodman came along and gave me this job and a can of fortified wine.

Hey. I need to see your claim checks for that luggage. Oh, of course. I have it right here. I'll need to see yours too. - You got it! - I'll take your word for it. You're just doing your job.

Troy! My man! It's MacArthur Parker!

you just jumped 16 blazing school buses. What are you going to do now? I'm goin' to Duff Gardens! Duff Gardens! Home of the Whiplash! To be completed in 1994.

I see you Braves received our smoke signal.

Oh, Mr. Burns, we'll thaw you out... the second they discover the cure for... 17 stab wounds in the back. How are we doing, boys? Well, we're up to 15.

Psst! Bishop to queen four. We're playing dominoes. I said bishop to queen four. All right, all right, ya-- Oof! Simpson, you're a menace.

Well, most women will tell you that you're a fool... to think you can change a man. But those women are quitters! What? When I first met your father, he was loud, crude and piggish. But I worked hard on him, and now he's a whole new person. Mom?

Hey! This is a Flintstones Fun Map. Look, Dad wrote something. "'Dino.' Short for dinosaur?

The Be Sharps. The Be Sharps. The Be Sharps. The Be Sharps. Why, you can't blame a guy for tryin'. Oh, you're all under arrest.

Wait. Mine came back. I know how to cheer you up. This little piggy went to Kwik-E-Mart. This little piggy went nuts. This little piggy went surfing. And this little piggy went-- Oh!

To the gag, I will give a D-plus. As for the workmanship on the hand, it-- Oh. That's not right! You mocking me! Oh, that is rich.

Well, it's no wonder I can't draw dignity. I gave it up when I married her. Now, Kirk, it's only a game. Sometimes we-- Oh, cram it, Churchie! Maybe we should all have a few drinks.

Oh, Miss Krabappel. Oh, your hair smells so... clean. Master, you are needed in the kitchen. I said cover for me, damn it ! But, master, we need your skilled hands ! My skilled hands are busy. You do it !

That's despicable! You're the kind of city slicker... my family left Central Park West to avoid. You got a lot of chutzpah, missy. Good-bye. Oh, I had my first crush,

We heard what you said. Yeah! Heard it old school. It's N'Sync! Can the chitchat, Milhouse. We've got just the song you need to defuse this whack attack.

You stumbled on the secret that only truck drivers are supposed to know. Hey, pay attention and stop looking at that squirrel.

Hey, hey! It's great to be back at the Apollo Theater and-- "K.K.K."? That's not good. Oh! Ah! Oh! What? Hey! Oh!

Duh, stay out of Riverdale!

I'm really sorry. You little-- Lisa, no! Your hands are too weak. Stop that. I'm gonna kill him. No, I'm killing him first.

And cut! Blah! I almost swallowed some of the juice. I'll be tasting that for weeks. Great spot, K.C.! Put a sock in it, preppy. How much are these free burgers gonna cost me?

Wait a minute ! You did it ! Excuse me ? Attention, fellow children ! Krusty didn't rob that store ! Sideshow Bob framed him, and I got proof ! Ow ! My foot ! You lousy, stupid, clumsy-- See that ? Krusty wore big floppy shoes, but he's got little feet like all good-hearted people !

Excuse me. Paul Bunyan never fought Rodan.

Don't worry, sweetheart. If I'm wrong, I'll recant on my deathbed.

Pl y, carambai That's just sad.

Who's out there? Give me your names so I can tell the police. Seymour, what's going on? What's that odor? Go back to bed, Mother. I've got it under control. Listen, you crumb-bums. If you think I'm impressed, I am not. I--

Tonight on Eyewitness News, a man who's been in a coma for 23 years wakes up. Do Sonny and Cher still have that stupid show? No. She won an Oscar, and he's a congressman. Good night!

Look at all the names that own money... and have lots of money! Oh, he's poor. But look at all the other people that aren't p-- Oh, look at all the people who could buy and sell me! i should send a list of these names to the I.R.S.!

Sorry, Rosarita. I got to get to my birthday party. Farewell, SeÑor Bart.

But every cave had a national anthem. I'll never forget my cave's national anthem. What was that national anthem? Let 'em all go to hell except Cave 76

It's been done.

Bart? Sufferin' succotash! - You can talk! - Goo. Mom, Dad, she can talk! Say it again, Lise. Bart. Bart, Bart, Bart, Bart, Bart. I'm her first word! Well, I'm not surprised. Lisa's crazy about you. She thinks you hung the moon.

And the very same goes for Ezekiel, which brings us back to our starting point, "the Nine Tenets of Constancy." Damn it!

Hubba-hubba. Stop that! I love my wife and family. All I'm gonna use this bed for is sleeping, eating and maybe building a little fort. That's it! Free mouthwash! Free shampoo!

Thanks for your help with the anchor, guys. Guys? That pig looks like Lenny. Hey! Mmm! That's the next best thing to eating Lenny.

Huh? I'll take it from here, Gil. No! Wait! Ah, no! You can't take my sale! My wife's gonna leave me if I don't start bringing in the green. Come on. Let me have this one, Stan. I'm begging you. Look at me. I'm begging you, Stan. Mm-hmm. Let's go write this up, shall we?

Milking rats! Rats? I'm outraged. You promised me dog or higher.

"In regards to your specific comments about the show, "our research indicates that one person cannot make a difference... "no matter how big a screwball she is. So let me close by saying--" "And the horse I rode in on" ?

It's as easy as crushing an ant. You know the...

We'll be back with a real-life Itchy and Scratchy--

If you can think of a better way to get ice, I'd like to hear it.

This is Papa Bear. Put out an A.P.B. for a male suspect... driving a... car of some sort, heading in the direction of, uh, you know, that place that sells chili. Suspect is hatless. Repeat, hatless. I can't wait till they throw his hatless butt in jail.

If we get him alive, we can put him on Broadway. Dead, we'll sell monkey stew to the army. Ooh! Keep your hands to yourself, mister. Now we don't want to kill him.

Why, you-- Master Burns! I mean, carry on. Me leg's gone gimpy! Who'll provide for me little ones?

Ooh, that tears it! Boys, put on your goody two-shoes. We're moving back to Springfield!

I give you the Loch Ness Monster!

eight-- eight-- eight-- Ohh! Will this horrible year never end? We've never lost a year before, and I'll be damned if we're gonna lose one on my shift. Seven, six, five, four, three, two, one!

Huh. Sounded like some sort of party going on in the background. Are there any parties today, Skinner? Nah, it's not really a party town.

Uh, North Kilt Town. No fooling? I'm from North Kilttown. Do you know Angus McCloud? Wait a minute. There's no Angus McCloud in North Kilttown! Why, you're not from Scotland at all!

But you got us and, baby, we got you Babe We got you, babe You know, Maggie hasn't been a Simpson as long as us. I think she's beginning to forget Mom and Dad. Remember how Mom used to microwave our underwear on cold days?

Good-bye, Lisa. We'll miss you. Oh, no! Lisa's gone! And nothing will bring her back. Unless-- Dad, I'm not dead. Oh, praise God! You're alive. Unless-- Oh, my.

Oh, my goodness! Wait a minute. Bart's teacher is named Krabappel? I've been calling her Crandall. Why didn't someone tell me? Oh, I've been making an idiot out of myself!

Well, if you believe in me, then I'm not going to give up. I'll prove I'm right. This Friday, we're going back to the woods. And we're going to find that alien. What if we don't? We'll fake it and sell it to the Fox network.

Pack of Lady Laramie 100s, please. We both know it could've easily been me-- very easily. Laramie Hi-Tars, hard pack, and I don't have all day. All right. Here you go. Smoke them in good health. Will you be needing any lottery tickets ? No. All right. Five.

Please be a dog. Oh, no! Ned Flanders! He's dead! He's definitely dead!

Selma, my dear. How are ya? Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Listen, shut up for a second. How would you like to marry Apu so he doesn't get deported? I'd rather eat poison. My name's already Selma Bouvier Terwilliger Hutz McClure. God knows it's long enough without Nahassapetapeeta-- whatever.

Go! Go! I'm trying! Stop yelling at me!

Come on, Waylon. - Make love to me the way you used to. - No. It's that horrible Mr. Burns, isn't it? You leave Mr. Burns out of this! Smithers!

Homer. Use the for-- The Force? - The forks. Use the forks. - Oh. Yes!

Ooh, oops. I've said too much.

"Name one of your child's friends." Martin. Martin! I'll curse that name till the day I die!

Oh, look at that show-off, kissing his own muscles. Boo ! Boo ! Rasputin is spinning the professor like an auto gyro. That's got to be disorienting. Hey, Milhouse, crank it up.

When I read your magazine, I don't see one wrinkled face... or a single toothless grin. For shame! To the sickos at Modern Bride magazine.

Please? I'll be gentle. Oh, fine. Wedgie! (LAUGHING) Milhouse, you went Cap City on him. Springfield baby in a diaper, poked his eye with a windshield wiper. Springfield baby! Springfield baby!

Spell "AC/DC." A-C-D-C. Uh-uh. You forgot the lightning bolt. - "Relapse." - R-E-L-A-P-S-E. That's what beer has done to me.

I don't know who that is.

Holy g-force, Batman! The blood’s rushing to my head! That's right, my panicky chum. In a few moments you and I will literally... blush ourselves to death. Oh, my. This is taking a long time.

That's it! Back to Winnipeg!

I dance, I dance, I dance Around the Mexican hat I dance, I dance, I dance

Yeah. I might've seen her. It's hard to tell from this old picture, you know? Well, according to our computer-aging program, she should look about... 25 years older. Yeah, I seen her. Uh, that is to say, I saw her.

Say your prayers, Simpson. Because the schools can't force you like they should. Maude, these new finger razors make hedge trimming as much fun as sitting through church.

Uh, jacques Strap ? Hey, guys, I'm lookin' for a jacques Strap. What ? Aw, wait a minute. Jacques Strap ? It's you, isn't it, you cowardly little runt ! When I get ahold of you, I am gonna gut you like a fish and drink your blood.

And I'd like to dedicate this next song to my wife Patti. I was born in the wagon of a traveling show Mama used to dance for the money they'd throw Papa would do whatever he could Oh, oh ! And two of these things.

Let's walk and talk. I have some wonderful stories about other famous people that include me in some way. - Uh, can't. I gotta go distract bulls at a rodeo. - Hey, me too! We can go together. Uh... no, I'm going a different way than you, Dick. Your churlish attitude reminds me of a time I was having dinner with Groucho-- Look, you're gonna be having dinner with Groucho tonight if you don't beat it!

Go with it! Here you go, Todd. The city edition. Bart, I don't know if this should be an extra. Is your source on this reliable? Oh, I hate this place!

Ice cream! Ice cream! Workers, please. There'll be time for the frozen-pudding wagon later. You still owe me 10 more Iroquois twists. Ten, ha-ya-yah. Uh! And nine, ha-ya-yah. Uh!

- As in, "This game is stup-id." - Hey, shut up, boy. Yeah, Bart. You're supposed to be developing verbal abilities... for your big aptitude test tomorrow. We could look this "id" thing up in the dictionary. - We got one ? - I think it's under the short leg of the couch.

Why me, Lord? Where have I gone wrong? I've always been nice to people. I don't drink or dance or swear. I've even kept kosher just to be on the safe side. I've done everything the Bible says! Even the stuff that contradicts the other stuff! What more could I do? I feel like I'm coming apart here.

I waved at him in the parking lot and he stared right through me.

Troy, uh, I'm sorry I ruined our evening. I have to go now. Oh, my God! Oh, God! I'm such a fool.

This job sure is easy. Now to press this button.

- Ooh-ooh! - There she is. There she is, the world's first convenience store. This isn't very convenient. Must you dump on everything we do?

It's "chowdah." Say it right! "Shah-der." Come back here! I'm not through demeaning you!

What? Saul Bellow? The Nobel prize-winning Jewish novelist? He wants to have lunch with me? It's a date. Izzy's deli, 1:00. I'll be there.

Hey, what's this lump? (BELL TOLLING)

I'll just drive up on the curb. Blughh. Almost got it. Drop the food, Chief! Dang fools. Drive-through's not for a-Parkin'.

First on our tour is the whorehouse. Then we'll visit the cathouse, the brothel, the bordello,

"Fox Broadcasting,

I object. Judge, sidebar?

We take 18 ounces of sizzling ground beef and soak it in rich creamery butter. Then we top it off with bacon, ham, and a fried egg. We call it the Good Morning Burger.

Dad, hide your shame! Hey, Homie! I can see your doodle. Shut up, Flanders.

I knew we should have gone to the bird sanctuary. I need the biggest seed bell you have. No, that's too big.

No, I do not have a receipt. I won it as a door prize at the Star Trek convention, although I find their choice of prize highly illogical, as the average Trekker has no use for a medium-sized belt. Whoa, whoa. A fat, sarcastic Star Trek fan. You must be a devil with the ladies. Hey, I-- That-- Oh.

Get away from my store, you young hoodlums! And what if we don't, pops? He's got a broom! Let's get outta here! Forget the pennies! Go! Go!

From this point on, no talking.

If you don't start making more sense, we're gonna have to put you in a home. You already put me in a home. Then we'll put you in the crooked home we saw on 60 Minutes. I'll be good.

I know you can read my thoughts, boy. Meow meow meow meow Meow meow meow meow Meow meow meow meow Meow meow meow meow

Oh, the Simpsons. Well, they're not getting back in here.

On one of my frequent trips to the ground-- I noticed Malloy wore sneakers... for sneaking! My next clue came just yesterday at the museum. We felt slighted by your age bashing and started home.

Oh, baby. My darling, i This was a wonderful idea, Homie. Can't get enough of your love, babe Hey, there's a turkey behind the bed! Mmm. Marge.

You're causing...

Look! Hey, come on. Quit it. Coochy coochy coo! Stop. Please stop. Oh, you swing like a girl. Come on, now. Please have mercy. Got your nose. Not funny. How 'bout this little bee? No! Oh!

Now your king and queen will share their first royal dance. Aww ! Why do birds suddenly appear Every time you're near I gotta get out of here.

Man, this place looks expensive! I feel like I'm wasting a fortune just standing here. Better make the most of it.

(LAUGHING) Nice party, dink. You're responsible for this, Simpson. No way! I didn't do it! Unlike all the other stuff I told you I didn't do which I did. Bart, I'm sick of playing the tomfool! You are hereby expelled from Springfield Elementary!

Please take these free tickets to my play. What? What play? We thespians believe it's bad luck to mention the name of this particular play out loud. You mean Macbeth? Quiet, you blundering fool! You'll curse us all!

ohh... ahh... Marge, it's times like this I'm glad I flunked out of that Mexican med school.

Yes. I believe I'll start, as you've so often suggested, by eating your shorts. Whoa! Whoa!

Hey, Simpson. I'm feeling a mite peckish. Mind if I chew your ear?

Sit perfectly still. Only I may dance.

Happy days, people. Truly happy days.

The hurricane Awesome! So long, suckers!

- Wow. Thanks for saving us. - No problem. Now let's get you kids home. Wait a minute. Xena can't fly. - I told you. I'm not Xena. I'm Lucy Lawless. - Oh.

Rain Came down, it started to get muddy, muddy get thoSe animals out on the arky, arky Leave me alone. Dad, the heathen's getting away.

Nevermore, nevermore, nevermore,

Okay. I will go. Hey, wait a minute.

Why would anybody wanna touch a girl's butt? That's where cooties come from.

You can't create a monster and then whine when he stomps on a few buildings.

I don't know! This is a nightmare! You're all sick! Oh, be nice!

Listen, Homer, I dont know who your killer is...

How could you do this to me, Mr. Burns, after all I've done for you? Why, if you were here, I'd kick you right in your bony old behind! Bony old behind! Bony old behind! Bony old behind! Bony old behind! Why, thank you, Simpson. I have been watching my figure.

The British-made Harrier jump jet!

Ahh! Mom, Dad! I saw Sideshow Bob, and he threatened to kill me! Bart, don't interrupt! Homer, this is serious. Oh, it is not.

Oh, no! We're all doomed! I'm a complete fraud! Huh? Sorry? I didn't catch any of that. And now I gotta go.

We have major corporations sponsoring this event. I hope you know you're sponsoring a celebration for a murderous pirate. A pirate? Well, that's hardly the image we want for Long john Silver's. Well, I see no way of settling this. I say we imprison them for the duration of our bicentennial.

Oh! Well, it's still the best thing in this class. Num, num, num, num, num. A-minus. Lisa Simpson, master of the double life.

Homie, please, don't go. Hey, this old girl's as sure-footed as a mountain goat.

just like the dead clown promised! Wow. There's Bill Gates, Stephen Hawking, Paul McCartney, Michael jordan, Michelle Kwan. They must be starting a new civilization on Mars with our best and brightest. That's us! Name, please.

"The Flintstones Meet The jetsons."

Now, what I am about to show you next may shock and educate you. Hold on to your values as we step through the looking glass... into a hippie pot party. While johnny Welfare plays acid rock on a stolen guitar, his old lady has a better idea.

i am so great i am so great everybody loves me I am so great Hello? Honey? Honey, honey, honey? Everybody loves-- Could you please be quiet? Quiet, biet, diet ziet, fiet Bart, get out!

"It's not the Dallas Cowboys, but it's a start. Drop me a line if you're on the East Coast. Hank Scorpio." Aw, the Denver Broncos!

(LISA PLAYING SAXOPHONE)

Fourscore and seven years ago, we took the finest hops and barley... to brew a refreshing, full-bodied lager.

Was Paramount chomping at the bit to make it? You better believe they weren't. But once that tearjerker hit john Q. Popcorn, it was boffo boo-hoo box office all the way. And the critics loved it too. I remember Vincent Canby said-- I'm gonna kill you, Homer. You are so dead. Now Chinatown was a classic.

Yo, empty the register, dude. Okay, okay, you are the boss. Silent alarm activated! Oh, that's it!

A storm is coming! I feel it in my bone! Mesdames et messieurs, it appears the Cloud Goddess is ripe with rain babies. We must run for our trucks!

Hot diggity damn! That's good enough for me!

- Ever seen a guy say good-bye to a shoe? - Yes, once.

we're the highlights in your hairdo the extra arms on Vishnu so don't take the--

Wow. Did you see that thing, Marge? So powerful. So commanding. So forceful and raw. It didn't ask. It just took. Canyonero Hyah!

Hi, kids. How was Duff Gardens?

Castellaneta, gone. Kavner, cut. Cartwright, cut. Smith, sorry. Cut. Azaria and Shearer, you're cut. Firestone, you're cut. So is judge. Namath, you stay. All of those people are cut. Bill Schultz and Wolf and Silverman.

Hey, you cant fool us. We're from the "Learn to Fart" state.

The Deer Hunter? Uh, huh-- That reminds me. Didi mah! Didi mah! I'm sorry, guys. We're shuttin' down for a while. Sorry.

Hmm. Should the Simpsons get a horse? Excuse me, but I believe this family already had a horse, and the expense forced Homer to work at the Kwik-E-Mart with hilarious consequences. Anybody care what this guy thinks? No! Mmm.

Those all come from the same animal! Oh, yeah, right, Lisa. A wonderful, magical animal.

Shave up not down, you idiot. Ooh, sounds delish. Let me just toss some jeans on and--

But Homer ran Sure wish I could say That I was his I hope that Marge knows

Hello. I'm Leonard Nimoy. The following tale of alien encounters is true. And by true, I mean false. It's all lies. But they're entertaining lies.

Homer, I painted that for you. Okay, Marge, if anyone asks, you require 24-hour nursing care, Lisa's a clergyman, - Maggie is seven people, and Bart was wounded in Vietnam. - Cool!

Mrs. Krabappel and Principal Skinner were in the closet making babies. And I saw one of the babies. And the baby looked at me. The baby looked at you? Sarah, get me Superintendent Chalmers. Thank you, Sarah.

But we're running out of forward momentum.

What, this jug? Hee-hee! Whee! Whoa-ho-ho! Lisa, never, ever stop in the middle of a hoedown. Oh, honey, I didn't realize how much that horn meant to you.

Ew. This place has got old man stink.

Hey, get away from him, you little freaks.

Why must life be so hard? Why must I fail in every attempt at masonry? How's your father's project coming along? I think he's almost done. Yeah, he's done.

Actually, it says here we're gonna see hockey. No! No!

Will you welcome Garfunkel, Messina, Oates, and Lisa... singing their number two hit, "Born to Runner-up." Why would they come to our concert just to boo us?

Well, well, well. If it isn't Homer Simpson and Barney Gumbel, Springfield's answer to Cheech and Chong. Allow me, gentlemen. You just bought yourselves three days of detention. You know where and when. 3:00, old building, room 106. And in another article, I found out...

Willie hears ya. Willie don't care.

Uh, sorry, fellas, but these tickets are counterfeit. What? Counterfeit? Yeah, see, the hologram's missing, and there's no such team as the Spungos, and finally, these seem to be printed on some sort of cracker. Stop eating our tickets!

See you in hell, soldier boy.

Now, calm down, Neddilly-diddilly-diddilly- diddilly-diddilly. They did their best. Shodilly-idilly- iddilly-diddilly. Gotta be nice. Hostility- diddilly-diddilly-diddilly-- Aw, hell! Diddily-ding-dong crap! Can't you morons do anything right? - Hey! - Ned, we meant well.

Ah, the Miracle Mile, where value wears a neon sombrero... and there's not a single church or library to offend the eye. There it is! The chain that put the "fat" in fat Southern sheriffs!

Homer, your bravery and quick thinking... have turned a potential Chernobyl... into a mere Three Mile Island. Bravo. I think it's ironic that Dad saved the day...

Like a giant billboard that says, "No fat chicks"?

Welcome to Super Friends! Huh? Welcome, Super Friend! I am called Ham, since I enjoy ham radio. This is E-mail, Cosine, Report Card, Database and Lisa. Your nickname will be Cosmos.

everybody body's doin it

But it comes with a free frogurt. That's good. The frogurt is also cursed. That's bad. But you get your choice of topping. That's good! The toppings contain potassium benzoate. That's bad. Can I go now?

All right, who's Jimbo Jones? - I am. - You just made your second mistake, buddy boy! Please, dude, don't hurt me. Oh, man. That's your outlaw?

Do you want another card or not? Huh? Okay. I'll take three. D'Oh! D'Oh! D'Oh! Uh, I mean, Whoo-hoo. I'm in. Let's see your cards. Oh, I was bluffing. Come to papa! Wait a minute. You have a straight flush, Homer!

Mr. Simpson, this government computer can process over nine tax returns per day. Did you really think you could fool it? No, sir. I'm really sorry, sir. An older boy told me to do it. You're looking at five years, minimum. No, sir. Please, I can't go to prison. They pee in a cup and throw it on you! I saw it in a movie.

There's no way I can beat this girl. She's the jack Nicklaus of the pageant circuit.

Why you little-- - Better or worse? - Worse! - Better or worse? - Much better!

I'll see what else is on. Hey, where's the remote? Hello? Hello? Stupid cordless phone. I'll try the old-fashioned model. Ah! That's better. How you doin', Gertie?

No on 24. No on 24. No on 24. No on 24. It's a landslide! Yes on 24. The proposition passed with a record 95%.

Thanks, Stampy. Ow!

You got it, buddy. Oh. Isn't there any way out of here?

"Bear Patrol Tax $5.00." What? This is an outrage! It's the biggest tax increase in history! Actually, Dad, it's the smallest tax increase in history. Let the bears pay the bear tax. I pay the Homer tax. That's the homeowner tax. Well, anyway, I'm still outraged.

Well, these bills will have to be paid out of your allowance. You'll have to raise my allowance to about $1,000 a week. Then that's what I'll do, smart guy.

I just saved my baseball bit. "Who-say-in's on first, Iya-toll-ya's on second and--" Aah! Stupid clown! When I came to, she was gone, and the war had been over for eight months.

Oh! Hey! They can't take our house! My potbellied pig is in there! Ah, Mr. Porky! No!

Where everybody wins! Actual odds of winning: one in 380 million.

Dimoxinil ! Whoo-hoo !

No, they are our wives, they are our daughters, our sisters, our grandmas, our aunts, our nieces and nephews. Well, not our nephews. They are our mothers. And you know something, folks ? As ridiculous as this sounds,

There's very little meat in these gym mats.

Hmm. I'd rather do both.

It's gone! Oh, no! This can't be happening!

Another Duff, Homer? Nah. It's Friday night, Moe. I wanna try something special. Uh, sure. Sure. Here you go. DÜff, from Sweden. Go! Wait a minute! This is Duff!

SQUEAKY-VOICED BRITISH TEEN: Welcome to Judi Dench's Fish & Chips. Now completely free of "Mad Fish Disease." Fish? I don't know. I'm not really a vegetarian. Please order or Miss Dench'll be furious. She'll beat us, she will. JUDI DENCH: Who are you talking to? TEEN: No one, Mum! I swear! JUDI DENCH: I'll "mum" you!

Team Discovery Channel!

I'm asking you nicely to open the doors! Take it easy, Marge. How about if we dope you up real good? Let me off! Let me off! Let me off! Let me off! Let me off! Let me off! Let me off! Let me off! Let me off! Let me off!

Joan, renounce your faith. Save yourself.

What'll I do? Frankly, my dear-- I love you. Let's remarry. Ahh. That's sweet. What a lovely ending. They cut out the best word.

and two orders of bite-sized breakfast pancakes, with extra dipping sauce.

Start the movie! They're out of control. Well, if we wanted to live forever, we wouldn't have become ushers.

Now he faces his toughest audience-- three Siberian tigers. Simba, on the ball. Aaah!

No. No, he can't be! I know. Maybe he's just acting stupid to infiltrate a gang of international idiots. Yeah, th-that's gotta be it. You destroyed that drug shipment? Yes, indeedy! That was my insulin! Uh-oh, SpaghettiOs!

A convict painted that? Yeah. Well, I studied art, and this guy's got a real gift. You kiddin'? Look. He painted a unicorn in outer space. I'm asking you. What's it breathing? Air. Ain't no air in space. There's an air and space museum.

This has been a Gracie Films presentation. Shh.

Well, Bart, what do you think of little Lisa? I hate you.

Have fun at school, kids. Later, Homer. Mister Simpson, this zone is for school buses only. Rock n’ roll! Whoo-hoo! - m f Rock] - J Mama says yes, Papa says no J

Hot diggity damn! That's good enough for me!

f Man f J Jellyfish J J i held you close J J And told you iiove youJ J But then the ocean took you backJ J And now i fast hold goo J

Oh! No! Wait a minute. Bronchial tubes clearing. Asthma disappearing. Acne... remains. But asthma disappearing.

Oh, no. What have I done? What am I doing? What will I do? The politics of failure have failed. We need to make them work again. Tomorrow, when you are sealed in the voting cubicle, vote for me, Senator ka-- Bob Dole!

It's probably my imagination, but something about them didn't seem quite right. Really? Excuse me for just a moment. People, that was all wrong! Homer Simpson doesn't say "B'oh." He says--

Yea! Whoo-hoo-- Ow! All right, Simpson. You get your soul back. But let that ill-gotten doughnut be forever on your head.

No, that's too big.

(BLOWING WHISTLE)

I do not miss Bart at all. I am glad he's gone. As am I. B'oh! It's probably my imagination, but something about them didn't seem quite right. Really? Excuse me for just a moment.

Hmm. Ow! Pointy. Eww! Slimy. Uh-oh! Moving. Aha! Aw. Twenty dollars. I wanted a peanut. Twenty dollars can buy many peanuts. Explain how. Money can be exchanged for goods and services.

I bet you don't know this one. How'd you like a Hertz donut? Hurts, don't it? Right. Do you know what a wet willie is? - Is it this? - Hey, baby!

Say, let's bring him back to life by using technology. ¡Ay, caramba! Ooh! Ahh! What's normal to him amazes us. He will be our new god.

So, you like doughnuts, eh? - Uh-huh. - Well, have all the doughnuts in the world!

With this hook and this hunk of chocolate, I'll land your boy and I'll clean him for free.

Those poor fools. Homer, I'm ruined. I know. At times like these I used to turn to the Bible and find solace but even the Good Book can't help me now. Why not? I sold it to you for seven cents.

Buy my cereal. I didn't do it ! Oh, I wish I could believe you.

I'll do it. I'll rob the Kwik-E-Mart. All right, put your-- D'oh! Oh, well, I'll rob it next time.

That's the last I'll see of Mr. Trampoline. Yep, it's finally gone. D'oh! If this were a cartoon, the cliff would break off now.

I saw the best meals--" It's Bart ! What show is this ? And how long have you been on the streets ? Goin' on five years, Kent.

Oh, dear me. One day as a straight-haired brunette. I feel so bad for you. Stupid girl!

"'Tis better to remain silent and be thought a fool...

If you're so sure about that, why don't you sell your soul to me? How much you got? - Five bucks. - Deal. There you go. One soul. Pleasure doing business with you. Anytime, chum...

The kids growing up.

We got new clothes from the donation bin. I'm a surfer! Look, Daddy. Todd is stupid, and I'm with him. And now Mommy's stupid!

But this was going to be the studio's prestige picture, like Howard's End or Sophie's Choice. Ew! Those movies sucked. I only saw them to get Marge into the sack. P.S. Mission accomplished. But we've already bought five Golden Globe awards. I don't make movies to win awards.

Oh, I have had it! I have had it with this school, Skinner! The low test scores, class after class of ugly, ugly children! Oh, now I really think the children's appearance-- Seymour, you are in very, very big trouble.

and that's a sacred bond. Sacred bond.

This is Detective Don Brodka from Try-N-Save security. That's right, Don Brodka. Your son, Bart, has been caught shoplifting. Uh-huh. Yeah, it's a shame, I know, but, well, try and have a merry Christmas.

"Max, what I did, I did because of alcohol and anger." "I'm tired of these jokes about my giant hand. The first such incident occurred in 1956 when"-- Hi, Homer.

Who told you about those laws? Was it Marge? Hey, you've been riding me all day. Why don't you poop in your hat? Are you going to need us tonight? I have ballet tickets-- not that they'll do much good now. With the family in disarray, episodes increasingly resorted... to gimmicky premises and nonsensical plots.

Hello, Grampa, my old friend Your busy day is at an end Your exploits have been sad and boring They tell a tale that's worth ignoring

We told you to hold on to the handrail.

The Catholic Church-- we've made a few changes.

(ITCHY & SCRATCHY THEME PLAYING) Moe and Marge are having an emotional affair. Although there's no physical intimacy, there's a deep spiritual connection that threatens to destroy your marriage. What do I do? Engage her feelings, become a friend. Get her a LIFE Magazine from the week she was born. I'll always treasure mine.

My geode must be acknowledged.

No longer canst I conceal my love, my wimpled turtledove.

D'oh! Must... suppress... rage. Huh?

Look, John, you seem like a perfectly nice guy and all. just stay the hell away from my family!

Must kill Moe. Wheeeee! You! Homer, thank God. You gotta help me here. Oh, I'll help you. Help you die! Waaah! All right, that's it. You're goin' down, pal.

My mother's inside, Mrs. Simpson. Please go right on in. Oh, you speak so politely to adults. My upbringing was painfully strict, ma'am. That's sweet. And, finally, Moe's Tavern has contributed a coupon...

Fools! You poor, pathetic misguided creatures choking down Flaming Moes all the time wondering, "How does he do it?" Well, I'm going to tell you. Hee-hee-hee-hee-hee! The secret ingredient is... Homer, no! ...Cough syrup.

Well, is anything coming back to you? Oh. There have been so many classic Simpson moments. I remember that time I tried to jump over Springfield Gorge.

(SPEAKING FRENCH) Oh, this place is paradise! Well, I guess this story has a happy ending after all. Just like my last massage.

Let me off the plane. I'm asking you nicely to open the doors! Take it easy, Marge. How about if we dope you up real good? Let me off! Let me off! Let me off! Let me off! Let me off! Let me off! Let me off! Let me off! Let me off! Let me off!

Hey, Chief, can I hold my gun sideways? It looks so cool. Ah, sure.

My superior brain advises you to enter the franchise fair. We're trying to, but you're blocking our way. Danger! Danger! Don't forget to pick up pamphlets. I'll handle this.

Oh. And who is Warren Burke?

Okay, we've seen a lion. Can we go now ?

Come here. Get-- Uh. Come on. Fit, you-- Huh? Ahh! Yeah! That's one fine-looking barbecue pit. Why doesn't mine look like that?

Now, Rainier, I really dont think it's right... to sell these Playdude centerfolds. Zip it, Holy Joe. Are you taking us to another mansion? Uh, yeah. Uh, Miss September... - I think you’re gonna have to get in the trunk. - Oh.

- Little short. He's about this tall. - Don't print that. Word. It just sounds like something I would say. Shh!

Life... flashing...

Father, give me legs. Father!

No, Mother. It's just the northern lights. Well, Seymour, you are an odd fellow, but I must say you steam a good ham. Help! Help!

Well. Well, now. I do like to cook. I'm not much of a talker, but I love to listen. And in my leisure time, I like to build furniture... and then to have a discussion about where it could be placed in a room. Get this man. He's wonderful! - Fifty dollars! - Seventy-five!

Be careful! There's hydroelectricity in there!

if you weren't a man and my father too i'd buy you a diamond ring And then i'd marry you

You want the truth? You want the truth? You can't handle the truth! 'Cause when you reach over and put your hand into a pile of goo... that was your best friend's face, you'll know what to do! Forget it, Marge. It's Chinatown!

(GASPS) There's your Mutton Chop Murderer! Stop, fiend! (PANTING) (GRUNTING) Don't be rude! Hey, hey! Read the sign.

Burns was rushed to a nearby hospital, where he was pronounced dead. He was then transferred to a better hospital, where doctors upgraded his condition to alive. Now let's talk to Police Chief Wiggum.

Later, chickie-pie.

Surely they could never be taught proper manners. One gold sovereign says I could do just that. (CHUCKLING) It's a bet, Lord Daftwager! You can't bet on my kids! This is America, pal! Don't worry. We'll find more wagers. I love you, Lord Daftwager.

Oh, if you like that, you should try Mary Magdalene's Chocolate Orgasm.

Oh, Chief? I found some evidence that points to the real arsonist. Well, let's see it. Not yet. You have to guess what it is.

Hey, Maggie, how ya doin' back there? Oh, so helpless.

I'm afraid Robert Goulet hasn't arrived yet, sir. Hmm. Very well. Begin the thawing of jim Nabors. Are you sure this is the casino? I think I should call my manager. Your manager says for you to shut up! Vera said that? Huh.

Join the navy Join the navy Join the navy

Man, I thought you were cool. Aha ! Wow ! Look at these bowling balls, Maggie. Can you think of a better way for Daddy to spend his hard-won 50 bucks ?

Son, we are about to break the surly bonds of gravity... and punch the face of God! Five, four, three, two, one, countdown!

Homer, when are you gonna give up this crazy sugar scheme? Never! Never, Marge.

And with 500 yards to go, the runners from Australia and Djibouti are neck and neck. Two weary warriors now burning with pain and exhaustion. But only one will win the grand prize: a walking tour of Springfield.

I-- I just can't believe Stark would stoop to that. And right in the middle of Montana and Dakota's wedding.

Well, I'll be a son of a witch.

When I can't stop fiddlin' I just takes me Ritalin I'm poppin' and sailin', man

Sorry, Rosarita.

and the Blunchblack of Blotre Blame. Whoo! Funky. But first, this word.

Hey, Maude! Look who's helping me clean the chimney. Hey. Not now. Neddie? Where have you been? Hi, Maude. Diddly. I've been having fun with my pal Homer. Diddly.

Yer getta ferda redda oura.

Get your hot dogs! Fat, juicy hot dogs! Pork chops and applesauce! Peking duck! Get your crispy Peking duck! Yeah, duckman! Over here! Mmm! Mmm!

That's it. Next time I fly.

Well, at McDonald's you can buy a Krusty Burger with cheese. But they don't call it a Krusty Burger with cheese. Get out. Well, what do they call it? A Quarter Pounder with cheese. Quarter Pounder with cheese? Well, I can picture the cheese, but, uh-- Do they have Krusty partially gelatinated nondairy gum-based beverages? Mm-hmm. They call 'em shakes.

Homer, you're a bad man. And your seed should be wiped from the earth. No offense, children.

Stan Lee came back? Stan Lee never left.

Agh! Him again!

Homer, come back! That's my husband! He's our husband now. Yea! I'm glad I'm back... because the moment that sweet, sweet beer hit my tongue, I was born again!

Baby. Baby. Pirate? No, no, wait a minute! - Pirates are wild! - We are pregnant! Oh. Oh, get lost!

Hello, Maggie. Sorry, honey. Mommy went crazy and went far, far away so it's going to be just you and me for a while.

What kind of beer?

So, what are you in for? I moved here from Canada, and they think I'm slow, eh? I fell off the jungle gym, and when I woke up I was in here. I start fires. Okay. Now, everyone take out your safety pencil and a circle of paper.

"The 'all-ighty ollar'"? I get it.

God wants you to lead the French army to what? Victory. Victory? We're French! We don't even have a word for it.

- Na-na, na-na, na-na, na-na - leader na-na, na-na, na-na, na-na leader na-na, na-na, na-na, na-na leader na-na, na-na, na-na, na-na leader leader, leader batman i mean-- Leader I love the Leader.

they don't want to see my picture. As the Simpsons' money dwindled, their expenses soared. From the original group of five, the cast ballooned to dozens, then hundreds. I'd never acted before in my life, but, uh,

Is it more iced tea ye be needing? Okay.

Why, you damn, frickin', no good mother-- cheese!

And whenever I could find a spare moment, I've tried to murder... Bart Simpson. He said "tried"!

Ev-er-y-one is... talk-ing a-bout... Ra-di-o-ac-tive m-an,

Let us extend to our brothers in New Springfield the olive branch of-- New Springfield rocks! Go ahead and laugh.

Oh, for Pete's sake, Bart! Use the plunger!

There's only enough room on the truck for this one. We'll get the other one later. Hey! This piece of junk is finally doing something. Oh, man, this is heavy! You should lift with your legs. Yeah, aw, screw it. I got health insurance. Oh!

And what do you have to show for your lifetime of sloth and ignorance?

uh, 2012, yeah.

Get out. I'm sorry I said that. - Out. - I'm gonna get out of the car, and I hope you'll find it in your heart not to drive awa-- Well, I'll be all right as long as I can remember my army training.

All right! Now all we need is a name. How 'bout "Blabbermouth, the jerky Doll for jerks"?

ah-- Radioactive Man vs. The Swamp Hag. Got any girl comics like Bonnie Crane, Girl Attorney Punkin and Dunkin, the Twinkle Twins or li'l Knee Socks? No, but my sister's got a wide selection of crappy comics.

Sprungfeld must have taken it with him when he ran off after the fight. Exactly. This celebration is a sham. And it's all my fault.

That must be the baby-sitter. Hello. I'm Mrs. Simpson. Simpson. Simpson. Come back for more, eh ?

He's a box! My boy's a box! Damn you! A box!

Before Lethal Weapon 2, I never thought there could be a bomb in my toilet. But now I check every time. It's true. He does.

Oh, Marge, my loyal wife, of course not. And Lisa, my little princess. And who could forget dear Rat Boy? Rat Boy? I resent that.

Almost got it. Drop the food, Chief! Dang fools. Drive-through's not for a-Parkin'. Diane, I'm going to take my break now.

I need the biggest seed bell you have. No, that's too big.

Mr. West, you said there was a job for me. There was. When I called you-- 45 minutes ago.

Hello, Muddah Hello, Faddah Here I am at Camp Granada - Marge, is Lisa at Camp Granada? Now to put this tape... where no one will ever listen to it.

yellow complexion and may be extremely helpful. For Channel 6 News, I'm Kenny Brockelstein. Homer. I'll miss you, Homer.

you'll do what I do and believe what I believe. So butter your bacon! Yes, Father.

Toxic barrel rollin'

Safe! Wow. My first home run. That's my boy. Come on. Hug me. Cobras!

Uh-oh. Hey! Not bad. Hey! Ah, without the loop, it is a-nothing.

Now we can blame him for everything ! It's your fault I'm bald ! I'm sorry. It's your fault I'm old ! I'm sorry. It's your fault I can't talk ! I'm sorry ! It's your fault America has lost its way. I'm sorry. It's all your fault ! I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

because her raspy voice reminded me of my old Victrola.

No, I won't! And frankly, Judge, I think you're a bully! You do, huh?

But this film is never going to see the light of day.

But I'll bet he would be less crazy if you were just a little more, mmm, professional in your work. Just a little more. Then he won't have any reason to resent you. I'll do it. To professionalism.

It's not as easy as I thought it was. Ooh. Wow !

Oh! Hurry up, man! This electric van only has 20 minutes of juice left! Don't forget me! Don't worry, Homer. You'll always be a part of me. D'oh!

Okay, when I call your name, uh, you say "Present" or "Here." No, say "Present." "Anita Bath." All right. Settle down. Anita Bath here?

Mmm. Invisible cola. Mmm. Forbidden doughnut. Mmm. "Sacrilicious." Mmm. Snouts. Mmm. Free goo. Mmm. Something.

Well, it's been two hours. How do you feel? I don't know. I kind of want a cigarette. That's a good start. Let's get you a pack. What's your brand? Anything slim.

This isn't an island. It's a peninsula. (DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING) (GASPING) This was supposed to be about trust! (SOBBING) I just want to get on that boat and go home! Well, you don't need a boat because you can walk. (WAILING) Yeah.

Oh, Marge, my loyal wife, of course not. And Lisa, my little princess. And who could forget dear Rat Boy? Rat Boy? I resent that. Bart, I told you before. Stop gnawing on the drywall.

Ow! Nice shot, Carl. No! No!

When this baby goes off, Burns's lab is gonna be history, man!

(IMPRESSED MURMURS) That sucked. Well, at least I've still got my health... - (GRUNTS) - (HONKING) Oh, my golly graciousness! Bad car! Apologize to the poor little boy. (SORROWFUL HONK)

Mr. Sparkle, a joint venture of Matsumura Fishworks... and Tamaribuchi Heavy Manufacturing Concern. Hey, it was all a coincidence.

And nipple piercing. Dont worry. They're clip-ons.

From his humble beginnings as a street mime in Tupelo, Mississippi, Krusty clowned his way to the top of a personal mini-empire... with dozens of endorsements, including his own line of pork products. This may have led to one of television's best-loved bloopers-- Krusty's near-fatal, on-the-air heart attack in 1986.

but someday you'll rust! Rust, I tell ya! Dad. Dad? - You really wanna get rid of this trampoline? - Uh-huh.

And here come the pretzels.

I don't like things that elevate me above the other people. I'm just like you. Sure, I come later in the day, I get paid a lot more and I take longer vacations, but I don't like the word "boss." Look at my feet. Okay. You like those moccasins? Look in your closet. There's a pair for you. Don't like 'em? Then neither do I! Get the hell outta here! Ha! - Ever seen a guy say good-bye to a shoe? - Yes, once.

Crap on a crust!

Herb, were you adopted ? Yeah. - From the Shelbyville Orphanage ? - How did you know that ? Because... I'm your baby brother Homer ! Hello ? Hello ? Hello ? Stupid phone ! Hey, hey, knock it off ! I'm here ! I was just silent because of the emotion involved. Oh, sorry.

Grasping the child firmly in his talons, Socrates here will fly him to safety. just watch. I don't think he's coming back.

Well, here we are.

"Nuke The Whales"? You don't really believe that, do you? I don't know. Gotta nuke something. TouchÉ. You play the guitar?

Uh-oh. My heart just stopped. Ah, there it goes. Ow! Stupid wishing well!

But you can't depend on me all your life. You have to learn that there's a little Homer Simpson in all of us, and I'm going to have to live without your respect and awe. The only reason I'm telling you this is... I'm going to be leaving you.

La, la, la, la, la, la, la. I took another sip.

It's just a damn popularity contest with you kids. Now look what you've done, you little freaks!

Sunshine, lollipops-- And rainbows, everything That's wonderful is what I feel when we're together Brighter than a lucky penny when you're near The rain clouds disappear dear and I feel so fine

Anyway, I want him to go to that animal refuge. Forget it! That elephant cost me thousands of dollars. Dad, how would you like to be sold to an ivory dealer? I'd like it fine. Even if he killed you... and made your teeth into piano keys? Yes, of course I would. Who wouldn't like that, to be part of the music scene?

Silent alarm activated!

Everything I know tells me this story doesn't end... with us sitting here and you telling it to us. Get off the edge of your seat. They got married, had kids and bought a cheap TV.

I'll get it for you, Homer. Hmm. I wonder why he's so eager to go to the garage. The "garage"? Hey, fellas, the "garage." Well, ooh, la-di-da, Mr. Frenchman. What do you call it? A car hole.

Uh, you have any sugar around here? Sugar? Sure. Here you go. Sorry it's not in packages. - Want some cream? - Uh, no.

This vacation really blows. Well, at least we're past the lighting round. Hmm. I see. I sure hope they don't have an ice cream round.

Remember, if anyone asks, you're my niece from out of town. I am your niece, Uncle Joe. Good Lord, I'm an abomination!

And we don't know "Pac-Man Fever."

(WOMAN SCREAMS) (THEME PLAYED IN SINISTER TUNE) English - US - Line 21

Prepare to be blown away by Bang Bang Bart. You're fat! just more of me to love, honey.

Dream on, drunkie. Oh, that's it! You're goin' down! Stop it, you two! You're making Scratchy cry!

Ow ! Quit it. Ow ! Quit it. Ow ! Quit it. Ow ! Quit it. Hey, what's with this ? Ow ! Quit it ! Used to be a real boss tattoo. But Mom had to spend all the Christmas money having it surgically removed. Huh ?

Now, this is art. Thank you, Mr. Schindler.

- Go long, son. - Yes, sir.

Assault weapons have gotten a lot of bad press lately, but they're manufactured for a reason-- to take out today's modern super animals, such as the flying squirrel and the electric eel. Learning something, Marge?

But you can't just repossess our merchandise. The I Ching said I had six months till bankruptcy. Hey, channel somebody who gives a damn. Can't we discuss this over some sympathy tea? Sorry. The teas are already on the truck. There's only enough room on the truck for this one.

Destroy that balloon. Aye. Tango 14, we're being fired at. I'm getting an exact I.D. on the bogey now. Iraqis again. Launching Sidewinder missile.

Give me your hands, boss. I'll kill you! I killed them other people. I'm gonna kill you too! You want some corn bread, Mr. Jingles? Well, you can forget it. Because I'm gonna kill you!

Um, I'm looking for something in an after-dinner burrito. You'll have it in 45 seconds, sir.

to the descendant of its rightful owner. Baron Von vertzenberger, on behalf of the American people, I apologize for-- Ja, ja, ja. Mach schnell mit the art things, huh? I must get back to Dance Central in Stuttgart in time to see Kraftwerk.

Oh! That's it! I'm going to show you some moves I learned from G. Gordon Liddy! I'm so sick of names! (BOTH GRUNTING) CHLOE: Oh! My hair!

Eww! Lemon. Ugh! Cherry. Ooh... custard. Mmm... purple!

Wait till the other kids see we're already on the red unit of "Adventures in Reading!" (SIGHS IN EXASPERATION) Due to budget cuts, music class will now have a two-drink minimum. Cranapple juice only counts as one and...

All right, Simpson. Let's go over the signals. - If I tug the bill of my cap like so - Yeah. - it means the signal is a fake. - Uh-huh. - I can take that off by dusting my hands thusly. - Got it. If I want you to bunt, I'll touch my belt buckle not once, not twice, but thrice.

Lisa Simpson? You're the ship's proofreader. Welcome aboard. Now, before you enter, you're going to have to make a very difficult choice. You're only allowed to take one parent with you. Mom. Love ya lots! Good-bye, Lisa. Remember me as I am-- filled with murderous rage!

Go to your room, Lisa!

- They're not, though. - Oh? - But you thought they were. - Yeah. That's why it was so funny. Yeah. It's funny. But they're not. That's a good one.

Oh, okay. Ahhh !

Calm down! Don't make me put a dog heart in there.

Look at this everyone. Twelve dead snakes. I'm sick of you people. You're nothing but a pack of fickle mush-heads. He's right. Give us hell, Quimby. Born free

That's it! I can't live in a house with this prehistoric carnivore! I am out of here!

You know that dream where you're in bed, and they fly in through the window? You've been reading my wish book, sir.

Should auld acquaintance be forgot and never

What a crappy candle. You've ruined our vacation. You, gentle sir, are fired.

Deductions-- Oh! Business gifts! Here you go. Keep using nuclear power. Homer, I painted that for you. Okay, Marge, if anyone asks, you require 24-hour nursing care, Lisa's a clergyman, - Maggie is seven people, and Bart was wounded in Vietnam. - Cool!

I'm a motorist.

Mr. Burns, I'm afraid you are the sickest man in the United States. You have everything. You mean, I have pneumonia? Yes. juvenile diabetes? Yes. - Hysterical pregnancy? - Uh, a little bit, yes. You also have several diseases that have just been discovered-- in you.

Attention, Marge Simpson. We've also arrested your older, balder, fatter son. I'm so embarrassed, I wish there was a hole I could just crawl into and die. Okay, throw her in the hole.

All right, how about this? When was your first gay experience? Oh, well, when I was six, my father took me on a picnic. That was a gay old time. Ho-ho! I ate my share of wieners that day. Oh, that sounds lovely. Queer.

He's right. This is a two-party system. Well, I believe I'll vote for a third-party candidate. Go ahead. Throw your vote away.

Oh! No all-you-can-eat seafood.

Bed goes up. Bed goes down. Bed goes up. Bed goes down. Bed goes up. Bed goes down. Bed goes up. Bed goes down. Homer Simpson! Well, if that don't put the "dink" in co-inky-dink. Flanders, what are you doin' here?

and hacksaws to saw off our gangrenous limbs. But the Springfield Brigade was too brave to accept the surrender. Come on, boys. Those white flags are no match for our muskets. - Charge! - And the Springfielders... heroically slaughtered their enemies as they prayed for mercy.

Mr. Simpson, how do you respond to the charge... that petty vandalism such as graffiti is down 80%, while heavy sack beatings are up a shocking 900%? Oh, people can come up with statistics to prove anything, Kent. Forty percent of all people know that.

For steamed hams.

I-- Holy jumping Caesar's catfish! My "H" has been stolen! Oh! That's how people knoW it's a Honda! What's the point of having a Honda if you can't show it off? Sir, if you'll just stop yelling at me, I'm sure I can find a replacement.

Look at this country! "U-R-Gay."

I know you can read my thoughts, Bart. just a little reminder-- if I find out you cut class, your ass is mine. Yes, you heard me. I think words I would never say.

Bad cops, bad cops Bad cops, bad cops

Really ? Yes. Oh ! - Champagne ? - Please. There, my darling. Thank you.

Well, my time's almost up here, so I'd just like to say I know Woody Allen.

We're complex. All right, who can take a story and blow it way out of proportion? I'm your man, boss! I want you to over-hype this story so much, it makes the New York Post look like The New York Times. Or The New York Times look like the New York Post. I forget which one the good one is.

That will require a tetanus shot.

Oh, oh, stop! Yo, check this out. Black guys drive a car like this. Yeah, but white guys, see, they drive a car like this. It's true! It's true! We're so lame.

Good rice, good curry, good Gandhi, let's hurry.

You ugly, hate-filled man! Hey-- Hey, I may be ugly and hate-filled, but I've, um-- What was the third thing you said?

and talk show mainstay Dr. Joyce Brothers. I brought my own mike!

Oh, my God! Mr. Burns is dead! Why do the good always die so young?

Uh, Colonel, they're expecting you at the podium in 10 minutes. I'm, uh-- Hmm.

Hey, little ones. Santa's back. Ho ho-- D'oh ! Damn it to-- Ah, son, one day you're gonna know... the satisfaction of payday. Receiving a big fat check for a job well done.

Okay, but you gotta promise you won't get mad or tell anyone, especially Bart. I promise. Bart rented a car with a phony driver's license... and drove Milhouse, Nelson and Martin to a wig outlet in Knoxville, and the car got crushed, and they're out of money and they can't get home, and Bart's working as a courier and just came back from Hong Kong. Yes. That's a real pickle.

Zebu. "Zee-boo." What are you doing, honey ? I'm trying to teach Maggie... that nature doesn't end with the barnyard. I want her to have all the advantages that I didn't have. Lisa, we did the best we could. What's a zebu ? It's like an ox, only it has a hump and a dewlap.

All right, here are your exams. Fifty questions. True or false. True. Homer, I was just describing the test. True. Homer, just take the test, and you'll do fine. False.

You stupid kid! You know that drives away all my business. See you tomorrow, loser.

Geez, Homer. I thought someone with two wives would be happy. No. You're thinking of someone with two knives. I gotta tell ya, this is pretty terrific.

Some days we don't let the line move at all. We call those "weekdays." Good one.

(THE ITCHY & SCRATCHY SHOW THEME PLAYING) ALL: Yay! (SIGHS) Cartoons. America's only native art form. I don't count jazz 'cause it sucks.

just like what's-his-name and whosits... and, you know, that guy, always wore a shirt-- Ed Sullivan? Yeah.

It's hammer time, snitchy.

Why, you monster! And you have my daughter's saxophone too! Homer! That's our stage manager! Oh. Sorry. I'm a little nervous.

Hi. I'm Ashley Grant. Oh. Ashley Grant! You gave a talk on women's issues at my school... on how we don't have to be second-class citizens.

I thought I recognized you. I gave you a plate of corn muffins back in 1947 to paint my chicken coop. And you never did it! Those corn muffins were lousy. Paint my chicken coop! Make me!

Marge put together a nightclub act. I shot the sheriff But I did not shoot the deputy She didn't do it She didn't do it So the next time you see a sheriff, shoot him. A smile.

Well, Bart, you were right about him. As usual, a knife-wielding maniac has shown us the way. You know, if you were only old enough to grow a bad teenage mustache, - I'd go out with you in a second. - Wow.

No! Don't say. Otherwise, it won't come true. Ooh, that would be a shame. Wouldn't it, Flanders?

Good show last night. Yeah, quite good. Good Lord! Did anyone get the license number?

Never leave the day room.

Well, anyway, I brought you a present. Look!

Well, I guess we don't have to do that.

We want you to re-create your every move the night you saw this alien. Well, the evening began at the gentlemen's club... where we were discussing Wittgenstein over a game of backgammon. Mr. Simpson, it's a felony to lie to the F.B.I. We were sitting in Barney's car eating packets of mustard. You happy?

Now, Hamlet, you know the rules. Laertes here gets one practice stab. Oh, boy! Boy, did I bet on the wrong horse. Heh.

Whoo! Funky. But first, this word.

Did it strike you as odd that in a Super Bowl show with Dolly Parton, we didn't see any football or singing? I hadn't thought about it, Pat. But in retrospect, it was kind of a rip-off. What a way to treat the loyal fans... who've put up with so much nonsense from this franchise. Any final thoughts? Nah, I'm too mad. Let's get the heck out of here.

this isn't like burying toxic waste. People are gonna notice those trees are gone. Eh, Congressman, this is where it gets awkward. I-- I never quite know how to put this. I just want to-- Offer me a bribe?

And with a flute up his nose, Ralph Wiggum. That's some nice flutin', boy.

Or is it? Ooh-hoo, Squishee Lady,

J And said that i iove youJ J But then the ocean took you backJ J My jelly, i ii miss youJ J For nowJ J i justp

Oh, yes, we won! We won! We won! Um, unfortunately, since I bet on the other team, we won't be going for pizza.

Ah, you're just jealous because... you... stink... at... sports. Cut it out, Bart! What the-- Ooh, I wonder if her skills will transfer over to the game of hockey. Well, only one way to be sure. Heads up, little girl!

Oh, sweet jesus!

Hey, nudnik, your shoe's untied. From here, they appear to be tied. But I will go in for a closer look. Taxi! To the airport! On closer inspection, these are loafers.

Ladies and gentlemen, nothing brings out the stars... like the maiden voyage of a monorail. Everyone's here, from recently outed leading man Dash Calhoun...

would you please ask her to pass me the syrup? Please pass your father the syrup, Lisa. Bart, tell Dad I'll only pass the syrup if it won't be used on any meat product. You dunking your sausages in that syrup, homeboy? Marge, tell Bart I just want to drink a nice glass of syrup like I do every morning.

Can we call you Uncle Blackie? No. Last question.

This is my swing set. This is my sandbox. I'm not allowed to go in the deep end.

All right! The mummy's ready for his mystical journey! Aaah! What's happening?

Pardon the grabbing... but I’ve perfected a device that could save us all. A time machine. - We can go back to the past and save our guns. - Gimme!

you just jumped 16 blazing school buses. What are you going to do now? I'm goin' to Duff Gardens! Duff Gardens! Home of the Whiplash! To be completed in 1994.

Hi, Lisa. Hey, Lisa. Guten tag. Hi.

Patty, I admire your decision. It takes courage to follow your heart and walk out on a non-refundable wedding ceremony. So, I'm gonna waive the rose petal removal fee and prorate the cake-handling surcharge. (SCOFFS) Thanks. Yeah. Well, that's the end of Dad's wedding business. Why?

We're gonna teach all you rug rats a lesson. Oh, yeah? What can you old people do to us? Yeah, you old fogeys! Buzz off, you old-- What do you got? You're all wrinkly! Somebody should iron you!

Wearing a jamaican hat makes a bold statement about your connection to reggae music. Well, excu-u-uSe me! You know what, Dad?

It's N'Sync! D'oh! I can't believe I'm meeting Milhouse. Yeah! Heard it old school!

Everyone, Lisa wants to read us a poem she's written. Sounds interesting. Oh, okay. "'Howl of the Unappreciated' by Lisa Simpson. I saw the best meals--" It's Bart ! What show is this ?

Ooh! just do it. Examine your scalp for ringworm.

Thank you. Unfortunately, due to budget cuts, we are canceling art, music and dance. Please evacuate the auditorium before it's bulldozed into a mini-mall.

talking softball mattingly and canseco ken griffey's grotesquely swollen jaw Steve sax And his run-in with the law We're talking Homer Ozzie and the Straw

Listen, it's time I let you in on a little secret, Marge. The right house is the house that's for sale. The right person is anyone. But all I did was tell the truth. Of course you did. But there's the truth, and the truth!

The shuttlecock-- Where's the shuttlecock?

- Is this how you imagined your life, Edna? - Well, yes. But then I was a very depressed child. To poor decisions. Hear! Hear! Seymour! I told you... not to play in the neighbor's yard! It's a party, Mother. I was invited.

I'm so happy. I just had to tell someone. I have a boyfriend.

Too cold and sterile. Where's the heart? But it really generates power. It's lighting this room right now. You lose. Get off my property. Let's have the next child. Look, everybody.

Ah, the doctor said I could take this patch off five minutes a day. Hey, that's just enough time to see Santy Claus. Oh! Why, Santa? Why?

Salt me. Here you are, Homer. What the-- Why are you talking like that? The play's tomorrow night. I've got to stay in character.

Ooh! A letter from my old pen pal. Someday I'll write you back, Osama. Ah! Here's what I'm looking for. Oh, Homie! You did care! I sure did. I kept it right next to my IBM stocking.

Are you crazy? You'll never make it. The hell I won't. You're forgetting I've got my Powersauce bars. Wake up, Homer. Those bars are just junk. They're made of apple cores and Chinese newspapers. Hey. Deng Xiaoping died.

Come on, Maggie. Maybe if you just squeeze a little. That's it. That's it. I-- D'oh! Okay, okay. Think, Homer. The dog.

Very well. I will check my records. You may examine my curios but do not touch my oddities. Use your judgment with my gewgaws. Well, I'll be blazed! I know these missionaries! I just told the natives they were having sex the wrong way. Help! Help! Murther! Ah!

Whoo-hoo! I gotta call Burns! I gotta call Burns! Maybe I can still get that drink. Dad, the longer he has to wait, the more he'll pay. Right. That makes sense. No! No! Let me go!

As am I. B'oh! It's probably my imagination, but something about them didn't seem quite right. Really? Excuse me for just a moment. People, that was all wrong! Homer Simpson doesn't say "B'oh." He says--

Don't you see? Getting what you want all the time... will ultimately leave you unfulfilled and joyless. Remove the girl. Dad, you're not with the Stonecutters now. There are no lackeys around to carry out your every--

this isn't like burying toxic waste. People are gonna notice those trees are gone. Eh, Congressman, this is where it gets awkward. I-- I never quite know how to put this. I just want to--

You know the funniest thing though? It's the little differences. Example. Well, at McDonald's you can buy a Krusty Burger with cheese. But they don't call it a Krusty Burger with cheese. Get out. Well, what do they call it? A Quarter Pounder with cheese. Quarter Pounder with cheese?

Dad, look who's in there. (GASPS) Flanders? (GURGLING) He doesn't even know what's going on! Wait'll I tell everyone about this. I'll feel important without drinking. That'll be weird.

Sex Cauldron? I thought they closed that place down! What are you people talking about? My child told me you two were having sex in the school janitor's closet. You know, making babies! Yes! Illicit sex! Doing "it!" "It!" "It!" Sordid, public, sexual congress! This is absurd! I did not have relations in that closet!

Worst parents ever!

Men, there's a little crippled boy... sitting in the hospital who wants you to win this game. I know because I crippled him myself to inspire you. Well, I hope they win, or Mr. Burns said he's coming back.

me it won't be long till happiness

Hey, Homer, cut it out. Come on, quit eating me. Ow! Nice shot, Carl. No! No!

Lullaby and good night Go to bed and sleep tight Close your eyes Start to yawn Pleasant dreams until the dawn

Okay. Look at the eye chart and cover your left eye. That's my seein' eye. The right one's my winkin' eye.

This house has quite a long and colorful history. It was built on an ancient Indian burial ground... and was the setting of satanic rituals, witch burnings... and five john Denver Christmas specials. Oh! john Denver.

So that's your answer. I'll sue the church. Homer, we cant sue the church. They'll poke fun at us in the church bulletin. It wouldnt be the first time. I couldnt help it.

Wait. "Dumbening" isn't even a word! I've got to find out more. That makes 22 to 16. Time is running out.

Now, the naturalist who took these absolutely extraordinary pictures...

Well, the least I can do is absolutely nothing. But I'll go you one better and come along.

With the family in disarray, episodes increasingly resorted... to gimmicky premises and nonsensical plots. I'm... an impostor. That man is the real Seymour Skinner. Trendy guest stars were shamelessly trotted out to grab ratings.

It's N'Sync! Word!

But what was even more like a drug was the drugs. But despite their mounting problems,

I don't think they're giving enough information, Dad. I'll figure it out. I'm gonna use all the power of my brain.

- It's a secret. - Shut up.

Grandma, have you ever thought about moving back to Springfield? You could live with Grampa again. Oh, I'm a living joke.

With your donation, you'll receive this classic PBS tote bag. Or this umbrella, featuring a picture of our classic tote bag.

Shake harder, boy!

Oh, no. It's happening. Uh-oh.

Shh! You're cut too, shushy!

Happy birthday to you Happy birthday - Happy birthday to you - Happy birthday Happy birthday, Burnsie Happy birthday to you Go to hell, you old bastard. Hey, I think they liked us.

Enjoy your rest. The wedding was very tough on you... and the honeymoon is going to be... murder.

Well, if it'll make you feel any better, Krusty, you can punch me in the face. Nah, forget it. Go home, kid.

Would he like to lose weight, stop smoking learn the state capitals, master hostage negotiations..? Hmm... hostage negotiations. Listen, Tabbouleh, we're ignoring all your demands. What do you say to that?

Homer, what gives with this review? You say "the salad tastes like bark"... and the potatoes were very "Grrrrr!"

Nyah-nyah-nyah, nyah-nyah-nyah.

Homer s.: Portrait of an Ass Grabber, starring Dennis Franz. Ooh! Portrait. Sounds classy. Doesn't it?

You dunking your sausages in that syrup, homeboy?

I know you can read my thoughts, boy. Meow meow meow meow Meow meow meow meow Meow meow meow meow Meow meow meow meow

- Is this how you imagined your life, Edna? - Well, yes. But then I was a very depressed child. To poor decisions.

Temper, temper. You know Cousin Merl ain't been quite right lately. I'm telling you, Cecil, I can't take much more of this! Rustic workmen who have turned the Sanijohn into a smokehouse. Coveralls that don't quite cover all. And a psychotic little boy who will not stop hounding me! This little boy right here!

ts true. I couldnt even wake you up for work this morning. I had to tell Mr. Burns you had violent diarrhea. Oh! Couldnt you come up with a less embarrassing lie? But you did have violent diarrhea. Nobody open the hallway closet until I say it's okay.

But nobody is really gone as long as we remember them. Lisa, honey, if you really want to preserve his memory, I recommend getting a tattoo. It preserves the things you love. "Starland Vocal Band"? They suck! Death!

Uh, uh, pretty, uh, freaky, huh? The only people who are going to be freaked out are our stockholders! I'm sensing some negative vibes here. But I promise tomorrow's freak-out will go a lot smoother. There won't be any more freak-outs. You're not a hippie, and you never were.

Oh, fiddle-faddle. Everyone knows our mutants have flippers. Ooh, oops. I've said too much. Smithers, use the amnesia ray. You mean, the revolver, sir? Precisely. Be sure to wipe your own memory clear when you're finished.

Who writes this stuff?

Lisa, if the Bible has taught us nothing else-- and it hasn't-- it's that girls should stick to girls' sports, such as hot oil wrestling, foxy boxing, and such and such.

It's a very, very old figurine. No, it's a liquor bottle.

They fight and bite they bite and fight and bite bite, bite, bite fight, fight, fight the itchy and scratchy show - Ow. - Hee-hee-hee.

Look, Simpson. I've been elected... by the voters of this city 16 years in a row, so they must think I'm doing a damn good job. You want to know what I think? No. Nobody wants to hear the nonsensical ravings of a loudmouthed malcontent. Well, we'll see about that!

It's really painful! Why did I take such punishment? Let's just say that fame was like a drug. But what was even more like a drug was the drugs. But despite their mounting problems,

Uh. What’s up, honey? Want a little lovin’? Oh! Oh! Whoo-hoo! Quite a tiger there. Easy, easy. Ooh-hoo-hoo. I guess it has been a while. Okay, okay. That hurts more than it tickles!

Excellent. Next. Exc-ell-ent. Next. Exactly. D'oh! - Next! - ¡Excellente! Es muy bueno. Oh, it's hopeless. I'll have to play myself.

Ow! Ow! Ow! What the hell is wrong with you? Gee! Sorry! It's a pretty standard stunt, Homer. Homer, get ready! For what?

Gotcha. Well, gotta go. Me too. Uh, it's hard for us to leave when you're standing there, Mom. Push her down, Son. No one's going anywhere.

Please pull up to the service window, please. The wagon's too tall. Oh, I don't wanna have to get out. I'll just drive up on the curb. Blughh. Almost got it. Drop the food, Chief!

And now, Avis Rent-a-Car... is proud to present the second-best band in America. Will you welcome Garfunkel, Messina, Oates, and Lisa... singing their number two hit, "Born to Runner-up."

The answer is no. I'm afraid I must insist.

What do you mean?

I have just been appointed the new safety inspector at this very plant... with a big, fat raise ! Hey, that's my pop up there ! Dad, watch out ! Whoa, easy ! Don't drop me.

How about jazz? Do you like jazz?

Barney Gumble, shown here donating... $50,000 to the Shelbyville Dance Theater, was caught in a sudden avalanche on Widow's Peak earlier today. It was captured on film by a camera crew making the upcoming Fox special, In Search of Bigfoot. Hold it, Bob. We can see your wristwatch. Oh, damn it. Hey, what's that?

What do they do? What don't they do? Oh, they do so many things, they never stop. Oh, the things they do there. My stars.

This match will determine once and for all... which nation is the greatest on Earth-- Mexico or Portugal!

J; You, play the "cell-ee"l

It's brilliant. Savagely honest, tender. He has the soul of a poet. You're very kind. Excuse me. Did something crawl down your throat and die? It didn't die. My name is Barney, and I'm an alcoholic.

Hall of Famer Whitey Ford now on the field... pleading with the crowd for-- for some kind of sanity. Uh-oh. And a barrage of pretzels... now knocking Whitey unconscious.

As expected, New Springfield's bold experiment in slob rule is a disaster. Hey, the TV man is talking about us. A study shows their crumbling economy is due to their lazy attitude and shoddy work. How the hell did they find that out? Scientists say they're also less attractive physically, and while we speak in a well-educated manner,

Happy birthday!

Larry Flynt is right! You guys stink!

The politics of failure have failed. We need to make them work again. Tomorrow, when you are sealed in the voting cubicle, vote for me, Senator ka-- Bob Dole!

Manic-depressive Mouse or the Bluebird of Unhappiness.

MoNorAil monorail monorail Monorail! Mono-- D'oh!

Out of my way. I got a date with an angel. You don't know how right you are, Abe. What ? I'm sorry to be the one to tell you this, but, uh... Bea passed away last night. Oh, no ! It was her ticker. The doc said her left ventricle burst.

All right! Bologna and cheese! What do you got, Bart? A pack of sugar and peanut butter smeared on a playing card.

But there's lots of other fun instruments, like bass. I hope you wont judge the entire Brian Setzer Orchestra by my actions. Rock and roll is supposed to be about peace and love. - Who said that? - Will you stop saying that?

Don't worry, kids. I know just what to do. jumanji! Does anything from the movies actually work?

Uh, Mr. Burns I need to borrow money.

Wait. Rhinos don't come from eggs. What did you just see, Lisa? I know, but-- - What did you just see? - Hmph.

But the message was loud and clear: Our family stinks !

here, baby there, mama everywhere, daddy daddy - hair hair, hair, hair hair, hair, hair Marge? I was just watching women's volleyball on ESPN. Mmm. Come on. There's no need for that "baba-ma-bushka."

That's it. Come on. just a little bit more. I know you can do it. I believe in you.

I said to myself, "Evans, you forgot Hollywood rule number one-- kill Homer Simpson." Hey, what's all the screaming?

"And anytime I hear the wind blow it will whisper the name... Edna." Oh, that's very good, Lisa. "P.S.: I am gay."

Wait. I know. Vent gas. "Pressure too high"? Oh! "Tank must be shut down manually"? Aw! Stupid bird! I never should have put you in charge! Why, you-- Oh, who am I kidding? It's all my fault.

Homer, I'll tell you what I told Redford. It ain't gonna happen.

You're next, Chester A. Arthur! Unhand me, Yankee.

Hey, gonna win some this season? Gonna try.

I appreciate your passion on behalf of your medium.

MAN: It's the Paul Lynde, Helen Reddy, Hudson Brothers Easter Special, with guest stars Willie Tyler and Lester, and Nadia Comaneci. I'd like to hippity-hop on your balance beam. I don't think you understand the mechanics of heterosexual sex. Well, circle gets the square.

You're still angry that Krusty picked me instead of you. - I can't imagine what you mean. - Oh, come now! You wanted to be Krusty's sidekick since you were five! What about the buffoon lessons? The four years at clown college? I'll thank you not to refer to Princeton that way. The point is you obviously still blame me for what happened at your audition.

How could you be so irresponsible? I-it's my first day. Since I've never seen you before, maybe it is your first day.

Homer, do something. The ceiling's not a safe place for a young baby.

Stop! Leave Milhouse alone. Help me out here, Bart. I don't know, Lise. To be honest, that verdict made me pretty angry. Bart's with us, law girl. Step aside. Hey, man. Leave my sister alone! Oh, so you're one of them. So be it. Kill the dorks! Bash their butts!

Mmm. He's "embiggened" that role with his "cromulent" performance. Top-notch "criering," I admit, but the hat and bell belong to Flanders. So no dice. Oh, they're just family heirlooms. That shouldn't stand in the way of Homer taking my job and-- Less chat, more hat. Whoo-hoo! Hear ye! Hear ye!

The Baby-sitter Bandit has left a trail of her daring nighttime robberies... across the continental United States. She could be lurking anywhere, about to descend upon another house full of unsuspecting dupes.

Was I sadly mistaken. It sounds better on my cell phone. (BEETHOVEN'S FIFTH SYMPHONY PLAYING) Don't leave now! The next piece is an atonal medley by Philip Glass. (ALL SCREAM)

Boring! Am I on the Internet? No, you can only access the-- Boring! What's that fire for?

Huh? Hey, Benedict Arnold, our cups don't want your colorful balls! No one calls me unpatriotic! (EXCLAIMS) Uh-oh.

Oh, geez! I'll take a crab juice.

Honey, I know you wanna see japan, but we're down to our last million yen. Don't worry, ichiban. I'll show you something japanese.

This is Papa Bear. Put out an A.P.B. for a male suspect... driving a... car of some sort, heading in the direction of, uh, you know, that place that sells chili. Suspect is hatless. Repeat, hatless.

I make as much as "Malcolm in the Middle,"

Shut up, Homer! No one wants to hear what you think!

Marge, since the kids left, I've lost five pounds! Oh, that's wonderful! And look-- new hair! I'm this close to having a comb-over. Oh!

I hope you wont judge the entire Brian Setzer Orchestra by my actions. Rock and roll is supposed to be about peace and love. - Who said that? - Will you stop saying that? - Simpson! - S h h _ English - US - SDH

Hmm. Larry: 3.2 kilograms. - Fascinating! - Ah. The answers to these and similar questions... can be found at the Springfield Knowledgeum, a hands-on learning environment... opening this Saturday.

Guys are always patting my bald head for luck, pinchin' my belly to hear my girlish laugh. Hmm. That doesn't sound like they like you at all. You're right. First thing tomorrow, I'm gonna punch Lenny in the back of the head.

I'm Troy McClure, and I'll leave you with what we all came here to see: hard-core nudity!

Is he supposed to have some kind of neurological impairment, like Rain Man or Awakenings? I mean, what the hell am I doing here? And this dialogue has none of the wit and sparkle of Murphy Brown. Hey, you know we're getting into golden time? Yes, well, just get it right...

You're so naive. They are for lovemaking. Really ? Yes. Oh ! - Champagne ? - Please. There, my darling. Thank you.

Who left these muddy claw prints on my clean floor? Sorry, Marge. Pinchy got all dirty in the yard chasing birds. But don't worry. I put him in a nice hot bath. Hey, what smells so good? Yeah-- Pinchy? Pinchy? Oh!

And a stunt like that impresses people? Oh, yeah. And I'm not easily impressed. Wow! A blue car!

I cannot get the lid off my jar of rainbows! Who will help me? You, sir? But I cannot help you. I am just a local merchant from, uh, this town. Just smash it open! Oh, you can do it if your heart is pure--

Look in your heart. I think you'll see what you want.

Well, sleazy entertainment and raunchy jokes... will never be as popular as sobriety and self-denial. You're about to learn the two most dangerous words... in the English language are "Marge Simpson." It's a light-pink '87 wagon.

You do know I used to have a-- problem with trying to kill people? Goodness, I had no idea. For, you see, I have been on Mars for the last decade... in a cave with my eyes shut and my fingers in my ears. TouchÉ, Cecil. I'm aware of your felonious past but you are still my brother.

I hope you never say a word. Daddy.

Thank you, Mr. Burns. It was pretty scary up there, but-- For a while, I feared for my life. Now, Homer, if there's anything else I can do for you, please don't hesitate to ask.

Oh, that place must be falling apart.

All right. I'll bring in a woman. But I still stand by my hiring policies. Get back to work, Stewart!

Oh, yes, Doctor.

Uh, you're getting paranoid.

Homer, come home with me. No, Marge, I can't. I mean, look at me. I'm a trainee. They won't even tell me what's in the secret sauce. And I can't buy you a decent wedding ring.

Area 51? I found Area 51! No, ma'am. This is Area 51-A. Well, um, I'm kind of lost. Can you tell me where I am? I'm sorry. The location of this location is classified.

All right. Time for my favorite show. M.T.C.: Monkey Trauma Center Wiii not be seen tonight- so we mayproudlypresent this much cheaper show. f Woman f Taxicab Conversations.

Oh. Like how we built that snowman together in that Newport ad? Remember how "alive with pleasure" they said we were?

Wow, just think of the possibilities. Lisa Simpson has won the Nobel Prize. Nah. Lisa Simpson has won the Nobel Prize for Kickboxing. Hmm.

- Homer ? - Marge ? Yeah. You want a ride ? Sure.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Ta-da! Aah! Yea, Krustys!

That's right. just because we're not rich doesn't mean that we don't have--

Uh, yeah, yeah. I love "Grimby." Uh, could I have some more bumper stickers, please, dude? All right! The mummy's ready for his mystical journey!

I learned to read because of you, Principal Skinner.

Lisa, are you doing math? Uh, just a few Venn diagrams. There's more under her chair.

We watch Springfield's oldest man meet Springfield's fattest man. He's not so fat. And we visit with heavyweight champion Dredrick Tatum who reminisces about growing up in Springfield. It was a dump. If you see me there, you know I up bad.

Your headgear seems to be emitting a buzzing noise, sir. Perhaps you have a bee in your bonnet. Bee?

- Angela, I'm afraid I-- - Thank you. Next. What were you thinking? Well, you said you wanted "gritty." In other words, ugly. I wanted Mary Ann on Gilligan's island ugly, not Cornelius on the Planet of the Apes ugly. TV ugly, not ugly-ugly.

Look, Maggie, they have a baby too. It's like they saw our lives and put it up on screen. Kids, I know you're excited... about meeting Aunt Selma's boyfriend.

There was a farmer who had a dog - And Bingo was his name - Oh B-i-n-g-o B-i-n-g-o B-i-n-g-o and Bingo was his name, oh Homie, get in the car. This is where you belong. Yeah, Homer. Room for one more.

Come on. You try it. No. I couldn't.

Gee, dad, this is gonna be the best Christmas ever. You bet.

Well, now, there's no need for profanity. My name may have changed, but I'm still the same man I was last week. Not to us you're not. I mean, how would you feel... if you suddenly found out Ned Flanders was an impostor? Who's Ned Flanders? My next-door neighbor. Religious guy? Oh, you mean Reverend Lovejoy. No, I don't!

Oh. Oh, I've been there, man. ...has been canceled. What? Instead we bring you The Boring World of Niels Bohr.

I got something really special planned for Valentine's Day. It's not that monkey card I found in the car, is it? Wouldn't you like to know.

Bart ! What are you doing ? Sorry, Dad. The answer to that is top secret.

Come on, Itchy. Kill him! Kill that guy! "A chance for more mis"-- Look at that fat oaf. Shh! That's Teddy Roosevelt.

Where we'll get: a free room, free food, free swimming pool, free HBO-- Ooh! Free Willy! justice is not a frivolous thing, Simpson. It has little, if anything, to do with a disobedient whale.

Um-- Um-- School dismissed!

Oh, thank you, Mr. Simpson. It looks so much better-- a beautiful sky blue.

You killed me, Bart!

Lisa! Stay cool, Milly.

Is it really you? Hello, Brother. I'm happy to see you. But it's been 10 years. We haven't spoken since the... unpleasantness. - You mean Arthur Fiedler's wake? - No, no, no. I mean our falling out. Oh, that! That's ancient history.

Nine months later Fluffy gave birth to 14 beautiful bunnies. Eight survive.