comb.io - Clips

Big smile. Come on, ladies. Faster, higher, better! My bad.

Hmm. Organized crime. Don Homer, I have baked a special donut just for you. Mmm. Grazie.

Well, at least you got the gum. Oww! I cut my cheek!

Aah ! Oof ! Ow, ow ! Ah ! Doh ! Ah ! Ow ! Ooh !

Brilliant. They transduced amplitude modulation... via the concavity of that oversized beverage conveyance. I mean, that is some clever "viving." All right, you kids, come down now. We promise we won't kill ya. Speak for yourself.

Light mayo for Lisa, cut off the crust.

I was just playing the blues, Dad. Lisa, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to yell. Go ahead. Play your blues if it'll make you happy. No. That's okay, Dad. I'll just work on my fingering.

there is an old saying down on the bayou that, uh-- Whee! He's gradually getting away, Chief. Ah, let him go. I have a feeling we'll meet again each and every week, always in more sexy and exciting ways.

Maybe we'll see you in a few years. Well, I guess I learned my lesson. The thing is, I lost creative control of the project. And I forgot to ask for any money. Well, live and learn.

I'm sorry. But I'm afraid your card is only worth everything I've got! Everything! Take it! Oh, no! I've smudged it with nacho fingers. I must deftly lick it off. Deftly... Thank you!

Dad, you cannot wear that! That's a Rastafarian hat! Hey, I been safari-in' since before you were born.

Homer, when are you gonna give up this crazy sugar scheme? Never! Never, Marge. I can't live the button-down life like you. I want it all-- the terrifying lows, the dizzying highs, the creamy middles. Sure, I might offend a few of the bluenoses... with my cocky stride and musky odors.

If you're trying to scare me, it won't work. I'm 100% focused on my goal. Hey. My hat has earflaps. And when he reaches the top, Mr. Simpson here... will plant this Powersauce flag as an eternal symbol... of man's contempt for nature.

Cleaning my gun with the safety off safety off, safety off Cleaning my gun with the-- Whoopsie. Dad, you just killed a poor defenseless buffalo. A poor, delicious buffalo.

Remember, my dog up and died. Thank you. You got your wife the earrings, man. Why are you still doing this? I want to get a second house, closer to work.

What about the buffoon lessons? The four years at clown college? I'll thank you not to refer to Princeton that way. The point is you obviously still blame me for what happened at your audition.

Homer, it's really coming down. Could you check on the boys ? They're fine. Whoa !

Oh, Daddy! This tastes like Grandma! Holy Moses! It does taste like Grandma! I want more! Yeah, me too. We'll take a bushel or a pack or-- just give it to me! Yech!

Uh, what do you like, Lisa? "Viomalin"? "Tubamaba"?

Itchy, Scratchy, Poochie, Austin Powers Itchy, Itchy Poochie, Scratchbob Itchpants, Confederate Itchy and Osama Bin Scratchy.

Who's stupid now, huh?

I was drinkin' so much, I forgot what life was about-- Gold! Gold! Beautiful gold! Nuggets as big as your fists! You guys are sick. I don't belong here.

I've done it, Smithers! I've bought every media outlet in town. TV, radio, even the skywriters. Cletus, what does that say? That? That says, "I loves you, Brandine."

I wonder what my life would be like if I robbed the Kwik-E-Mart. I'll do it. I'll rob the Kwik-E-Mart. All right, put your-- D'oh!

Well, sir, we've got ourselves a classic nor'easter... meeting a classic sou'wester. Overnight, expect rain turning to freezing rain... turning to sleet turning to snow... and then melting in the summer. Snow? Maybe they'll cancel school! Look. The sea captain's all hunkered down! Arr! Help. I was tied here by teenage pirates.

Mmm. Good night, Homer. Now, now low b-flat. Okay, Lisa. "Altissimo" register.

Military school? You lied to me! Well, I'm sorry if you heard Disneyland, but I distinctly said military school.

I like to walk down the avenue Bust a move with Disco Stu You shake me from my booty to my fro Yes, I strut down the boulevard Burning off my excess lard

First, we pull off all your fur. (ROARING) All right, all right! I'm still thinking. They're looking for a male bear, right? - (GROWLS) - Oh. It's so easy to condemn, so hard to create.

Oh, uh, I'm sorry. Are you planning to stay the whole night? Yes! All right. Vote Quimby.

They fight, they fight they fight and fight and fight fight, fight, fight fight, fight, fight The itchy and scratchy movie Get out. Get out!

Damn it! D'Oh! I..! Oh, the hell with this! A fellow came in asking for change for a dollar. I gave him three quarters by mistake. Took me the whole afternoon to find him. Todd, would you like mixed vegetables? Hell no. What did you say? I don't want any damn vegetables.

Starting tomorrow, I'm gonna up my glyco load... use a denser ripping gel- Denser?

Mr. Vice President! Someone finally bought a copy of your book, sir. Well, this calls for a celebration. Celebrate good times Come on I will.

Move it or lose it, toots ! Mom ! Now just a minute. I'm sure there's room for both. Bart, you're wreckin' it ! Let go ! I worked forever on this ! Ooh ! Hey, that got her goin' !

Yeah, less chat, more splat, pal! Hey, Mr. S., I didn't know you bungeed. - I want to live! - No, no! You're too heavy! It's a glandular problem!

The Burmese melon fly has over 1,000 sex partners...

Oh, Seymour. And I'm not Seymour. My name is Armin. This is Armin's apartment, Armin's liquor, Armin's copy of Swank, Armin's frozen peas. Can I see your copy of Swank, Armin? Yes, you can. This is Armin's life. Maybe it's not perfect, but at least I'm back where I belong.

My dream has been shattered into shards of a broken dream.

Uh, hold on a minute. Let me have a look at that wheelbarrow, please. Okay. just as I thought! It's a Yard King! That is a quality barrow. Well, I gotta run.

- Eat my shorts. - Pardon ?

You know, Mr. Burns is so cheap-- What? I ju-- I mean, you know, Mr. Burns is so old-- How dare you! Whoo-hoo. Tough crowd. Better bring out the big guns. Here's an impression of Mr. Burns that you might find a little cheeky.

A smashed hotrod, a wrecked police cruiser, a destroyed house! I've had it with your renegade ways, Simpson. You're a loose cannon. But I--

Hey! Mr. Wimbley, it happened again.

We're hoping that as his trusted employee, you can help lead us to it.

Well, let me tell you something. Valentine's Day is no joke. Sending your chick a valentine, huh? Yep.

maybe I'm amazed at the way I really need you Maybe I'm A man maybe I'm A lonely man who's in the middle of something That he doesn't really understand

I'm tired of being drugged and gassed. - There's gotta be a way to escape! - Psst! I've worked on this for 33 years. It's made out of toilet paper rolls, toothpicks and plastic forks, and the sail is made of scabs and dynamite.

You've just won the employee raffle. Whoo-hoo! What do I get? The job of industrial chimney sweep for a day! Whoo-hoo!

and the United States of America has...

Shoop! It's terrible! Gah! What am I doing here? I should be in New York writing riddles on Popsicle sticks! Then I'd be making a difference.

And ties? You bet!

Remember me as a hero. Yar! The looters stole me glass eye! Ooh. This be a Super Ball. Back in my day, we had people who stood up to ruffians.

Ned Flanders is on the phone. Oh, if this is about that stupid quarter again, I... Hello, Ned. Sorry to bother you, Reverend Lovejoy. Our son Todd just told us he didn't want to eat his damn vegetables. You know kids and vegetables. Was it asparagus? No, no, Reverend.

I wanted to do something to help, so I called my friend, Sting. He said, "When do you need me?" I said, "Thursday." He said, "I'm busy." I said, "Friday?" He said, "Friday's worse." Then he said, "How about Saturday?" I said, "Fine." True story.

Here you go. Here I am. Eat your fries. Eat 'em.

Now, what do you say? Eat my shorts. All right, I'll eat-- Eat your shorts?

Here's something that should cheer you up, sir. It's me, sir-- Bobo. Hug me. Squeeze me. Tug at my fur. Enough! Stop this grotesque charade. Now, find my teddy. Oh, and, uh, leave the costume.

And Bart experienced that at the age of four. So, why are you still awake ? I'm still trying to figure out what's bothering Lisa. I don't know. Bart's such a handful, and Maggie needs attention. But all the while, our little Lisa is becoming a young woman.

"Amendments"? "Regulatory agencies"? What the farq butt?

(READING TITLES) Oh, Goldilocks.

Damn it! (ALL TALKING INDISTINCTLY) I thought our mysterious pranksters might be here tonight. So I covered the meeting hall with ultraviolet powder. Behold the perpetrators! (ALL GASPING) It was those guys!

Ow! I don't understand why we have to build a ray gun to aim at a planet I never even heard of.

Time for bed. Sing me my bedtime song, Mom. Ooey, gooey rich and chewy inside golden, flaky tender, cakey outside Mm. Wrap the inside in the outside - is it good Darn tootin'! Doin' the big fig newton Here's the tricky part.

(CACKLING) Scary McBeasties, nibble and gnaw at their overstuffed buttocks! Milhouse, don't open your mouth! Whoa! (GAGGING) (ALL SCREAMING) (CLATTERING) This is no accident. (LAUGHING) Nice party, dink.

An all-syrup Super-squishy? Oh, sir, such a thing has never been done. just make it happen. Oh. Oh, dear.

And the official Stonecutter underwear too. Please don't kick me out. This society is everything to me. Please give me another chance.

Yeah! Heard it old school! No-o-o! Bart was so cool. - Little short. He's about this tall. - Don't print that. Word. It just sounds like something I would say.

Looks like Daddy won. But 295 is awfully good for a baby. Yes, it is. It's very good. And you're a good little baby. Yes, you are!

So Barney's, like, "You're on your own, dude." And I'm, like, "Not even." I don't know what this has to do with the Civil War. I'm getting to that.

You go up and down, but not side to side, or back in time.

They're not for bowling, Marge. You're so naive. They are for lovemaking. Really ? Yes. Oh ! - Champagne ? - Please. There, my darling.

Sure, they are. They came from eggs in a bird's nest, therefore they're birds. "Ickso fatso." One-- they don't have beaks. Two-- they don't have feathers. And three-- they're lizards! You're a lizard! Enough bickering. I know how to settle this. - No Kickboxing. - Ohh. If anybody wants me, I'll be eating alone in the basement.

You're on Frame Up. Uh, what! That's right. Homer Simpson, you're the latest victim of the new reality show, Frame Up. It's the man with the braces.

Hey, watch it! I look like cable TV. What about that bullet hole in your hair? Squibs. Yeah, we hornswoggled you good. But what about the guy who took my car?

- I'll be back in the morning to pick up Stampy. - Here's the keys. Elephants don't have keys. I'll just keep these then.

Whoa ! Hmm. Thank you, Bart. You're welcome, Mom. 34 years old. Time enough to start over with a new man. Someone who eats with his mouth shut. What's that, Patty ? Nothing. Finish your steak. Look at him wolf down that gristle. Mm-hmm. It's an accident waiting to happen.

I do. One groom-- Two grooms? But he-- But you can't-- Oh, my medication!

I'm missing the cook-off. It's going on right now, and I'm missing it. All right. I was trying to keep it from you.

I'll call. Three nines. Oh! I almost had a straight! Come to new papa. Hey, what's the deal? We just spliced in some home movies. What do you think? Well, I'd rather reserve judgment until I-- Oh, my God!

oh, yeah - Oh, no. Oh, no. Not tonight! Oh, yeah Not tonight! Are you ready to get Duffed?

Why didn't I think of that? Hammocks!

Bart. You're up early. I couldn't sleep. What's wrong? There was no burglar.

Lisa, it's your birthday God bless you tHis day you gave me the gift of A little sister and I'm proud of you today Lisa, it's your birthday happy birthday, Lisa

Hmm. The TV changes channels - every time the dog barks. (BARKS) ANNOUNCER: We return to Mel Gibson's The Salad of the Christ on Christian Carrot Theater.

Larry, you must meet our daughter, the debutante. She came out last spring. Whoa! Put her back in! She's not done yet.

The Good Book. On tape ? Ooh ! As read by Larry King. Hi. I'm Larry King. "In the beginning, God created the heaven and the earth.

- Smithers, tip over this table for me. - Yes, sir. Homer. Homer. Make them stop. Uh, Mr. Burns. Mr. Burns. Shut up and wreck something.

742 Evergreen Terrace. Springfield-- "Oh, hiya," Maude. Come on in.

Wh-Who said that? I did! It's me, Abe Simpson! But you're d-d-d-dead. I was. But I've come back as your love testing machine. I'm The Love-Matic Grampa!

This is all your fault!

Yeah, I can't sleep.

Oh, the Elves ! The Elves ! Bye, kids ! Watch out for the boy. Mmmwha ! Bye, now. Mmmwha ! Be good. Mmmwha ! Gotta go. Ba, ba Ba, ba, ba-ba, ba-ba ba-ba, ba, ba Come, children. Let's go watch the Happy Little Elves.

Now let's see if I can remember how's to make my mark. Yeah. Yeah.

You again! Well, that's it.

Homer, maybe you better take Milhouse home.

I don't remember the air in the kitchen being so wavy. Good lord! That's gas! Hmm. Hmm? Behold! I am King Talkie Tiki!

I'm afraid the polls have closed. And on Prop 242, the winner is yes! (ALL GROANING) For all their disposable income, for all their leisure time, they had no immunity against God's lowliest creatures, children.

Dad, what's with you tonight? I mean, I'm getting frostbite over here. I'll tell you what's with me-- the humiliation of having a coarse, boorish ignoramus for a son. Uh, I should go.

Oh, oh, oh. Sorry, Maggie. That's something to collect, not enjoy. It's one of my Humble Figurines. He scampered out of Parade Magazine and into my knickknack nook, and, well, his little buddies soon followed.

Scratch it, and you get a wish. I don't feel so good. Can you take me to the hospital? Finally we're doing something I want to do. Just relax. Think of floor is full of snakes. You fall, they kill you!

I dance, I dance, I dance Around the Mexican hat I dance, I dance, I dance And that's the end of that Or is it I guess I'll keep singing My cell phone appears to be ringing Hey!

Ah, these uniforms are a godsend. Horseplay's down 40%. Youthful exuberance has been cut in half. High spirits are at an all-time low. They've even begun blinking in unison. I love that sound.

A Bazooka joe comic. I heard that one 75 years ago.

Well, as the tree said to the lumberjack, I'm stumped. It's like he just disappeared into fat air.

Before last year's Halloween show,

Where is everybody? Hey, man, are you okay? Won't dignify that... with a response.

just taking care of business. If you don't, who will, huh? Trent Steel. Homer Simp-- Uh, Max Power. Ooh, hey! Great name! Yeah, isn't it? I got it off a hair dryer.

Honey, I'm home.

And fast! We heard what you said. Yeah! Heard it old school. It's N'Sync! Can the chitchat, Milhouse. We've got just the song you need to defuse this whack attack.

I can't get the smell of slurry out of my clothes. Oh, I was a fool to help that horrible old man. I hope you learned your lesson, Lisa. Never help anyone.

Lucky you don't keep guns in the house. Homer, why are you here ?

I don't want you to go. Sorry, but I have to. Good-bye. Good-bye.

Huh? What the-- The dreaded Osaka flu has hit Springfield with over 300 cases now reported. Now over to Arnie Pie with "Arnie in the Sky."

from the early 1950s. Only Duff fills your "Q" zone... with pure beer goodness. So drink up... and up... and up!

Good. Very good. Ralph, jesus did not have wheels.

Hey-hey! Hey-hey! Hey-hey! Hey-hey-- Hey hey-- So hot. So sticky. Marge? I'm back here.

Ah, the catwalk. A perfect vantage point... for revenge. Ah, kettle chips. The perfect side dish... for revenge.

With my diet, you can eat all you want anytime you want. - And you lose weight? - Uh, you might. It's a free country.

Meet your new piano mover. We're gonna have to put a steel rod where your spine was. Will I ever move a piano again? Oh, my goodness gracious! No.

You know what's great there is the sea bass. They do it blackened or sautÉed. It's stupendous. Okay, break it up! Break it up, you two. Homer! Homer, he's not going to get tired! You've got to hit him back! Hit him back!

(ELECTRICITY CRACKLING) MAN ON RADIO: A killer bear is on the loose in Springfield Forest. And local laughingstock Homer Simpson is missing and presumed mauled. (CHUCKLING) Wrong again, liberal media.

Come on, boy. There goes Davy Crockett in his bald-skin cap. In other Spinal Tap news Mayor Quimby honored the aging super group in a ceremony at city hall. "Tapping" into the "spines" of young voters, huh?

Rakes. My old archenemy. I thought I was your archenemy. I have a life outside of you, Bart. What are you gonna do to me? Oh, believe me, I have a plan. Let's see. "Get job as school announcer. Lure Bart to shed.

Jimmy crack corn and I don't care Jimmy crack corn and I'm not there We built this city on rock and roll Something, something day Wow. Look at all the stars you can see here.

Well, it seems like if you really care for me, you should come forward. Oh, don't you see? It's because I care for you that I can't come forward. That doesn't make any sense. All right. Then I just don't feel like it, okay?

Homer, that's... Oh! Step aside. I'll deliver this baby. Why don't you let me handle it. Oh, a college boy, eh? Homer, let him deliver the baby! Homey, isn't he beautiful? As long as he's got eight fingers and eight toes, he's fine by me. Oh, Bart!

And I feel terrible about hurting you. Will you accept my apology? Apology? Uh, geez. I wasn't expecting that. Uh-- Run!

We're down to mood lightin' here. All right, all right. Mellow out, everybody. The captain'll know what to do. You just shot the captain out of the torpedo tube.

I'd never acted before in my life, but, uh, if the sea captain could be in the show, why not me? I've even got a catchphrase. Nyah! Whaa! Whaa, whaa, whaa! Now I lost it.

I'll field this one. The only danger is... if they send us to that terrible Planet of the Apes. Wait a minute. Statue of Liberty. That was our planet!

It says the little boy who never lost faith in you has lost faith in you. You will go to Bart Simpson's for dinner! But I have plans. Hey! Not the face! Why you maddening, impossible man! If you don't go tonight I won't be here tomorrow. Oh, all right, I'll go. Oh, Krusty!

Marge, I agree with you in theory. In theory, Communism works. In theory.

Around this clock tonight Thank you. Thank you very much. I'm warning you, Mom. I may get a little crazy.

Bosh! Flimshaw!

You know, deep down, people are pretty gre-- Hey, wait a minute. They're taking our stuff. Good Lord! Hot, hot, hot, hot.

I want the whole world to hear the story... of my harrowing struggle with hypohemia. Well, sir, Mr. Roman is one of the finest ghostwriters in the business. He's written, Like Hell I Can't, Up FroM the Muck, the Unsinkable Sadruddin Mahbaradad. Excellent. All right, all right. First question. Have you slept with anyone famous ?

Otto, I'm gonna leap over Springfield Gorge on my skateboard. Huh. You know, Bart, as the only adult here, I feel I should say something. What ? Cool !

Crap! Crap! Crap! Crap! Crap! Crap! Crap! Crap! Crap! Crap! Bart, what happened? Well, we hit a little snag when the universe sort of collapsed on itself. But Dad seemed cautiously optimistic.

Shoulda but didna, so hand 'em over.

No, no, Marge ! Come on. Please. Homer, I'm not sleeping with the lights on. They're just children's stories. They can't hurt you.

All this does is shoot bubbles. Silly String! Kids, I'll go find your mother. Dad, we're canceling the rest ofthe play. What play? What the hell is he talking about? Marge? I'm gonna sleep down here tonight.

J Oh, yeah, Weird A/ had fan on this showJ J Even if it was just a brief cameo JJ English - US - SDH

Or how about little Lisa Simpson? She'll have no reason to play the blues in this snappy ensemble, topped off with a saucy French beret... that seems to scream "silence."

Mr. Boggs, will you be on my team? You got yourself a player. Damn! All right, I'll take Louis. I'll take jose Canseco. D'oh!

A cougar! Die, cougar! Ow! My leg! Oh, geez!

Dad, knocking over a gravestone is bad luck. Really? I heard good.

Maybe a little morphine would refresh my memory. I don't know. I'm still a little hazy. Ga! Oh, yeah. Now I remember it like it was yesterday. It happened today.

Oh, please let it be Volvo. Oh, you children are too suspicious. (QUIETLY) It's go time. (CHUCKLING) It's shot day! (ALL SHRIEKING) Welcome to Hell...man Avenue Medical Plaza.

Sir, I've spotted you over $100,000 this year. Perhaps you could carry your own money. (LAUGHING) Money is for the poor. Why don't you use your ATM card? Ah! Yes. The automated teller machine-eola-trola-maton. (GRUNTING)

- Hey, you're in the net too. - I said, "Shut up, net-face"! Oh, we're gonna die, and I never tasted cantaloupe! Eh, you didn't miss much. Honeydew is the money melon. And now we will cut you loose.

Yeah. It's a lazy, dog-dangling afternoon. But something's a little off.

Hey, Mr. Showmanship, the owner wants to see you in his office right now. I'm sorry, young man. You're just not ready. Pick up your check at the front office, and for God's sake, put some clothes on !

This is what happens when you cut money out of the military and put it into health care. It's a good program. just give it a chance. That's all I ask.

I think I'm going to be sick.

Hmm. I wonder if I could blow up heaven?

Yes. May I see it? No. Seymour! The house is on fire! No, Mother. It's just the northern lights. Well, Seymour, you are an odd fellow, but I must say you steam a good ham.

Not so fast, boyo. Hell, if it was up to me, I'd let you go. But the lads have a temper, and they've been drinkin' all day! Ow! Ow! Ow!

Sorry, folks. - Sorry, Your Majesty. - Hmph! Dear kids, I hope this letter finds you well. We're doing great. Your father is in the best shape he's been since-- well, ever! Strength! Agility!

Ralph, you'll be on special teams. I'm special.

Well, let me hear how it sounds. Nah, nah, take it out. Take it out. And charge it to my Players Club card. Maxed out? Look, I really need these flowers, okay? I got a real tenuous hold on my girlfriend here. Hello? Hello?

Hey, Dad! I've come to spend some time with my favorite father. Baloney! You came here to put me in a home. You're already in a home. Oh, how could you?

And the final number is... 49. 38... 49! Oh, my God. I won. I won!

Fly, Segway, fly! (SCREAMS) We've all heard of a laugh riot, but a prison riot?

Come on. Come to papa. Good boy, Mojo. Now bring 'em down and I'll give you one.

Not at all. Ahoy. Mr. Burns, is there anything at all I can do for you? No, Homer. You've already done more for me than any man. Your brutal attack forced me to fend for myself. I realize now that being waited on hand and foot is okay for your average joe.

No, she won't. When it comes to compliments, women are ravenous, bloodsucking monsters... always wanting more, more, more! And if you give it to 'em, you'll get plenty back in return. Like what? I'll tell you when you're older.

Wow. My mind just created that out of nothing. This tank is releasing the full potential of my brain. Ooh, ee, ooh, ah-ah Ting, Tang, walla-walla bing-baNg ooh, ee, ooh, ah-ah walla, bing-bang ting-ting too

I've always admired car owners. And I hope to be one myself as soon as I finish paying off Mother. She insists I pay her retroactively for the food I ate as a child. Yeah, yeah. That's, uh, unfortunate. Well, Seymour, I make superintendent money,

Look, I don't like this cootie platoon, and I never will. I'm outta here, and I'm out of this stupid outfit.

w'w'f TV Theme: King ofthe Hilly Ah, that was boring. Let's get a hotel.

Salacious halter tops complete collections of Mad, Cracked and the occasional issue of Crazy and this plastic derriere.

Boring. Dad, you should blow the whistle on the Kwik-E-Mart. And now a message from the Church of Latter-day Saints. Dad, are you listening to me? Shh! Lisa! The dog is barking.

I'm just relieved that Homer's safe and that you've recovered, and we can all get back to normal.

And that, my children, is the story of Bart's first day of school. Very nice. Yeah. Yeah. Except you were supposed to be telling the story of how I got my saxophone. D'oh!

Arr. 'Tis some kind of treasure map. - You idiot, you can't read. - Aye, 'tis true.

Wheel him out quietly. It's best the children don't see him. Oh, just get it out of here! Not into the kindergarten!

You didn't say which bed! Go to your bed! Make me! I'll make you! If you want me, you gotta catch me! Almost. Oh, so close. Bart! Son of a--

But the story of Lisa's first word is very cute. Tell it, Mom. Yeah, tell it, Mom. Well, this story begins in that unforgettable spring of 1983. Ms. Pac-Man struck a blow for women's rights. A young joe Piscopo taught us how to laugh.

We, uh-- We called that "the stinger." They don't let you use that no more.

Apparently, that disturbing odor was the food.

Maybe I was a little hard on him. Oh, well. Bart, I know a father has no right to pry into the life of his 10-year-old son. But what's going on up here? I'm just spreading the Playdude philosophy. Hi-fi's, Norman Mailer, getting some. Uh, um... What do you think "some" is? Uh, toys?

"Lachrymose is to dyspeptic as ebullient is to--" Effervescent. All right! Harvard, here I come. Psst, Barney. My dad's asleep. Want a beer? I don't know. The S.A.T.'s are tomorrow. I've got two words for you. Mellow out, man.

jingling, jingling jingling, jingling santa's on his way Hooray, hooray

And I, for one, welcome our new insect overlords. I'd like to remind them that as a trusted TV personality, I can be helpful in rounding up others... to toil in their underground sugar caves.

Would you like to buy some Itchy and Scratchy money? What's that? It's money that's made just for the park. It works just like regular money, but it's, uh, fun.

Oh! Hey, hey. Oh, oh. Thanks, boy. I love you, Dad. I love you, son. Aaaaaaaaahhh!

(GRUNTS) What did I do? You... Why, you little... (CHOKING) You need a reason for strangling, do you... I'll fix your wagon... (CELL PHONE RINGS) Hello? Chloe, forget about the Women's Conference. I need you to get over to Mount Springfield! It's about to erupt.

Hi, everybody! Hi, Dr. Nick!

It's broken, Mom. Mom, it's broken. Mom, it's broken Mom, it's broken Mom, it's broken Mom, it's broken I don't think that it's broken, honey. Here, let me try. Mmm, there you go ! Ah, cranberry sauce a la Bart.

First, raise my allowance. Why, you little... (TIRES SCREECHING) (CHOKING) We're going downhill and I can't reach the brakes! (BOTH SCREAM)

I heard tonight they have Ed Bradley vs. Mister Ed. It's terrible-- all the traffic lights are out. Driving sure is dangerous. Yeah, tell me about it. I got some yuppie jerk-off headed right for me, yakkin' away on his cell phone. Huh! I hear that. I got some big shot barreling down on me.

Homer, didn't john seem a little... festive to you? Couldn't agree more. Happy as a clam. He prefers the company of men. Who doesn't? Homer, listen carefully. john is a homo-- - Right. - sexual.

Huh? Jingle bell what? Dad, it's a blackout. A blackout? Every time Santa and I get together it's a disaster. Oh, no, the power's out? We'll miss Fox Celebrity Boxing! I heard tonight they have Ed Bradley vs. Mister Ed.

All that slime made this boar extra tender. More snout anyone? Mmm! Mmm! How's your dinner, Lise?

Mom, I'm gonna tighten Milhouse's straps. He's fidgeting again. Ow!

Local man, Homer Simpson, shown here with his tongue stuck to a lamppost, has given us this videotape. It's a close encounter of the blurred kind. I bring you peace. The alien has appeared in the same Springfield pasture the past two Friday nights.

all forms of sugar are now illegal. Thank you, "Erin Choco-snitch." That was a group effort. I was just trying to make this a healthier place to live.

Ow! I told you to watch out. Hey, Milhouse, knock him down if he's in your way! Jimbo! Jimbo! Go for the face! Look! Ralph Wiggum lost his shin guard! Hack the bone! Hack the bone! Wow! Eye of the tiger! Mouth of a teamster!

Uh, you all right, Mr. Burns ? Oh ! Of course. A little roughhousing with the pets is good for a man's appetite.

Flanders! What? Flanders! What? What is it? Game's out there! Made you look. Ohh! They're just words, Neddie. Words can't hurt you.

who won't let me stop!

Say, fellow Shelbyvillian, enjoying our famous low humidity? I'll say. The only thing lower than our humidity are the greens fees on our public golf course. Which one? All three! (ALL CHEERING) Yes. Yes.

Nah. That's not too likely. But still, you're gone. Where are you, boy? "Time for a walk." Oh, again?

Water, eh? Burly to the rescue! Oh, that is so cool. Hey! What's that over there?

Darryl. Darryl. - Darryl. - Darryl. Children, that's not very nice. Mom, they're professional athletes. They're used to this. It rolls right off their backs.

(SCREAMS IN PAIN)

Uh, let's look at some clips. "He will not see me stopping here... to watch his woods fill up with snow." Hey, Frosty, you want some snow, man? We discussed this, and I said no.

Well, well, well, if it isn't Punch 'n' Juvie. Plant the evidence on 'em, boys. Chief, we don't have to. These ones are actually guilty. Super. Makes our job that much easier. Oh, Bart, my troubled little lamb.

Test lady. Test lady. Go ahead, give it a try. It goes by how clammy your hands are.

- You know what you could do, Apu? - Shut up. You could fake your own death. Oh. Would you shut up? All you need is a car bomb and-- I can't believe you don't shut up!

oh, shake, shake, shake shake, shake, shake shake your booty shake your booty - Shh!

Now, Mr. and Mrs. Simpson, the only houses I have in your price range... are in the neighborhood colorfully referred to as the "Rat's Nest."

Americans have grown up with the image of the jolly fat man-- Dom DeLuise Alfred Hitchcock, and, of course Santa Claus. But in real life Santa would be suffering from gall stones hypertension, impotence, and diabetes.

We're too late. He's dead. It looks like someone tried to eat him. What are you looking at me for? You're all crazy. Crazy as a-- Okay. Here's what I think happened.

This man's appendix is about to burst. Luckily, I have my trusty pocketknife. Stand back! Thank you, Dr. Hibbert. Don't thank me. Thank the knife.

Now, the naturalist who took these absolutely extraordinary pictures... was most impressed with the creature's uncivilized look, its foul language and, most of all, its indescribable stench.

happy birthday, Lisa Lisa, it's your birthday happy birthday, Lisa Take it away, Lise.

Power off, Einstein.

This has been one of the most magical evenings of my life. I'm horny. I don't know what you said, but I'm sure it was beautiful. Oh, Homer. This is the kind of night I thought we could never have together-- incident free.

Go get 'em, Scouts. Don't be afraid to use your nails, boys!

Hello. My name is Mr. Snrub, and I come from, uh, someplace far away. Yes, that will do. Anyway, i-i say we invest that money back in the nuclear plant. I like the way Snrub thinks.

Must destroy mankind. Ooh! Lunchtime.

Have the Rolling Stones killed. Oh, sir, those aren't-- Do as I say!

Say, what's goin' on? I'm having a little trouble with the government. Oh, those jerks-- always walking over the small businessman. Don't get me started about the government.

Homer. Use the for-- The Force? - The forks. Use the forks. - Oh.

Marco. Polo. Marco. Polo. Marc-- Ohh! Polo. So, Mom, you think you'll be getting out of there soon?

Are you hiding something from me? Like what? judging from your song, you're infatuated... with a woman named Mindy or a man named Andy. Lisa, look out behind you! Dad, I'm not gonna fall for that. No, Lisa, I swear to you! I'm 100% completely serious! You've gotta turn around right now before it's too late! - Huh? - Sucker!

Oh! Which way to the bathroom? Oh, it's the 23rd door on the left. Nope. Nope. Nope. He wouldn't even hear me out. Find the bathroom all right? Uh... yeah.

Bye-bye, "fishies." Higher. Higher! I'm soaring-- Soaring majestically, like a candy wrapper caught in an updraft. Higher, Marge. Higher! It won't go any. Higher, I say. I wanna soar higher than any man has ever soared.

Like that old woman who couldn't find the beef? Exactly! If you stop paying attention to the monsters, they'll lose their powers. But people can't help looking at them. They're wrecking the town. You know, maybe a jingle would help. Don't watch the mon--

Johnny Tightlips, can you see the shooter? I see a lot of things. You know, you could be a little more helpful.

I want to see you all next week at my concert in Krakow!

Oh, man! I hate those Shelbyville jerks. Honey, I was born in Shelbyville. And it tears me up inside!

said always look inside the house before buying. Well, there it is. Please don't tell anyone how I live.

Oh! Can't panic. Must remain calm.

Everyone pile on Homer's wife. J Love is a battlefields Huh? Huh? Huh? Ow! J At iastJ J Relax Don 't do itJ

Now the classic Itchy and Scratchy, episode DABF06. "Butter Off Dead." Oh! Hmm. Oh, oh. Good morrow to thee, neighbor.

You can't stop me ! The hell I can't ! Homer, it's really coming down. Could you check on the boys ?

Yes! My precious CarToons!

Well, according to this, snakes hear by sensing vibrations in the ground. So, if we put our stereo speakers on the ground... and play something with a lot of bass, those snakes will be in here like Oprah on a baked ham. Oh, good idea. Let's see-- bass, bass.

Laziness is counterrevolutionary. Questions are decadent! Fast hands mean less whipping.

Hey, hey! I've been in Reno for six weeks. Did I miss anything?

Huh? Noise. Bad noise. Five minutes before critical mass. Critical wha-- ? Whosever problem this is, I'm sure they can handle it. Huh? It's my problem! We're doomed!

- Arr! Arr! Arr! - Arr! Arr! Arr! - What do you think, Smithers? - I think women and seamen don't mix. We know what you think. Young lady, you're hired.

I happen to be that moron. Oh, me and my trenchant mouth!

What the hell is this? It's a Kisses-Make-Me- Boogie-o'-Lantern. Kiss it and make it boogie. Kiss it. Uh, maybe later. Oh! Oh, yeah!

Uh-- What the-- A tunnel! Bart's digging us out! Not on my watch he's not! Oh, no! I know it looks like the path to freedom. But one collapse, and presto-- you've got a snow casket.

Oh, boy! Grandma!

Oh! It's you, isn't it? When I get you, I'm gonna use your head for a bucket and paint my house with your brains.

now ablaze with flashbulbs as Hooray For Everything leaves the field ! Of course, the stadium's much too big for flash pictures to work, but nobody seems to care !

Mr. Goodbar to the front desk. The front desk is looking for Mr. Goodbar. I feel like a kid in some kind of a store.

All we ask is to be treated with dignity and respect. And a new candle now and then? Yes, and a new ca-- No!

Uh... That would cut it a little close. You have to be more aggressive, sir. Nonsense. One of our good citizens will slow down and wave me in. Nope.

Y'ello? Mm-hmm. So we're in agreement. She won't be allowed near the phone again. We did it! We've worked out a compromise that will allow both nations to save face. We've argued them down to... a booting. What? The prime minister just wants to kick you once...

I spend my life saving them, and they can't thank me. The parrots can, but-- Let's see what's wrong with this little fellow. Hmm. I'm afraid your dog has a twisted stomach. He needs an operation to correct it or he'll die.

I'm no supervising technician. I'm a technical supervisor. I've never done anything worthwhile in my life. I'm a big, worthless nothing. There, there, Homer. You'll find a job.

Aye, mates? What's the good word?

Oh, good morning, Maude. Morning, Marge. Um, did your husband come home last night? Of course he did. Really? Oh. Because the thing is, um, mine didn't. Oh, my God, Ned!

Oh! Dear God, no! Fortunately, we have a plan. Professor Frink?

You've sinned against nature. Please kill me. You think you're so great just because you have godlike powers! Stand away from milady! Get in there! Defend my honor! Ew!

(RINGING BELL) The world will end next week! Spend your children's college funds! Thaw that turkey now! This is Kent Brockman reporting live from downtown Springfield, where overweight doomsayer Homer Simpson is predicting the world will end next Wednesday. Homer, what turned you from sad drunk to mad monk?

You took a baptismal for me. How do you feel? Oh, Bartholomew, I feel like St. Augustine of Hippo... after his conversion by Ambrose of Milan. Wait! Homer! What did you just say? I said, shut your ugly face, Flanders!

Hang on. I'll buzz you in. Buzz! Teacher and subject. Miss Hoover. Wind in the Willows. Oh. Here we go.

Mmm! Okay, open your eyes. It's a handgun. Isn't it great? This is the trigger, and this is the thing you point at whatever you want to die.

Yeah! Let's party, baby! Hey-hey-hey!

Hmm. Eat their children. Geez, we were just gonna swipe their shoes. But a good idea is a good idea.

Oh? An intruder! He will pay the ultimate price. Yes. The ultimate price. Get outta here!

Oh, boy! Sleep! That's where I'm a Viking.

Heh. Hey. Ooh. Look out. Yeah. How does he do it, Smithers ? He's a love machine, sir. Da, da, da Way to go, Dad.

Homer, we've got to get out of here! Oh! But I wanna do some rioting. - Jobbers cobknots, ya mucker! - All done.

Ah, you lucked out, Marge, my man, 'cause I'm in a smilin' mood today. Well, good! So get ready, and before you know it we'll be at the Try-N-Save. Try-N-Save? Ah, my teapots are ready.

Well, that's obviously the wrong footage.

Uh, and, uh, former president, Ike Eisenhower! Let's get busy!

This is what I think of your store! Silly customer! You cannot hurt a Twinkie! Jiminy Cricket! Whoo! Expired ham.

You see, that ping sound means the spit was on target. Now you try. Gettin' better.

former under-aged offender, Snake. If they're smart, Kent, they'll stay off the main roads. It's all here in my book, Ten Habits of Highly Successful Criminals. All right, I plugged your book. Now, put down the gun. Tell them I'll be on Conan Thursday with Heather Locklear and Third Eye Blind.

Oh, no! We killed Mel Gibson! You all saw it. He came at me with a knife, right? Wait a minute. He's just a dummy. I know, but he sells tickets.

which is why I equipped the seat of your cast with a viewing window. Oh, my. Oh, now that's something. He should exercise more.

Don't worry. I saved the receipt. We'll have a $3,300 credit at Chanel. They have beer and gum, right? Come on. Let's go. I wouldn't want to join any club that would have this me as a member. It's okay. Those snobs never would've made us members anyway.

Ew! Ow! My hairstyle. Not again. Good-bye, cruel world. Hello, ironic twist.

But this time, he's gone too far! We want Krusty! We want Krusty! We want Krusty! Yeah, we want Krunchy! We want Krunchy! I thought you said you broke their spirits. We did. You broke nothing.

I mean, it was a beautiful evening. Let's not ruin it. - just kiss. - Artie, please. Come on, kiss me. - Oh, Artie. - Please? Really, I mean it. Now stop it! I'm sorry, Marge. Take me home, Artie.

"High-toned voice." Bart, that's it. I know where Sideshow Bob is hiding. When Bob broadcast that message, his voice was higher than normal. And what makes your voice high? - Tight, binding underwear? - Helium! Sideshow Bob is in the Duff blimp!

Well, that settles that. There is no silver tongue, is there, Bonesy? Oh, I wish, Chief. With that kind of dough, I could buy me some eyeballs. Well, that's the spirit, Bonesy. - Why don't you sing a song for the nice people? - All right. CamptowN ladies Sing this song

I'm very happy to meet you. From now on, you're gonna work for us. Okay, but could you pay me under the table? I got a little tax problem.

Oh, I might've known-- but I didn't. Bart, get outta there. My poor boy! Will he be all right?

Run. The Grand Exalted Leader requests a moment of your time. Class dismissed. Yea.

Oh! How can they imprison kids in school on a beautiful day like this? They're not imprisoning us, Bart. They're-- Prison bus, Otto? The regular school bus broke down. So take a seat before I blow your heads off! Otto! Oh, sorry.

I love that. Reminds me of elephants.

You just better have a damn good conductor. I locked my keys in there. Get a rock.

Good-bye, Helen. You have a lovely friend there. Let's hope something runs over her.

Hey, stop shoving! I'm Max Power!

Come on. Stay yellow. Stay yellow! Man, I'm making record time, if only I had someplace to be.

First prize! First prize! First prize! First prize! First prize! First prize! Why are you saying that? just screwin' with your mind.

Now, a brilliant jazz musician who's inspired me to do some improv poetry. Twinkle, twinkle, groovy cat. How I wonder where you at. I really love the way you cook. just like me when I wrote this book.

Choke on your candor! You can strangle Bart, but you can't strangle your humiliation. It's a deal! (CHOKING)

Give them the plant, Homer! No. I'd rather die! Aah! Take it!

Hmm. Lack of discipline. I'm beginning to see the problem. We don't believe in rules. Like, we gave them up when we started living like freaky beatniks. You don't believe in rules, yet you want to control Ned's anger. Yeah. You've gotta help us, Doc.

Uh-oh. Sorry. Let me just get my girlfriend, and I'll go. Hey, Crystal, wake up!

It's gonna be sad around here without you, Homer. Boy, this is depressing. Hey, I know what would cheer us up. Bowling! Look at this. I got a ball here.

But I'll pass your file along to-- Brown. Mmm. Heck of a school. Weren't you at Brown, Otto? Yep. Almost got tenure too. No! Not Brown! Brown. Brown. Brown. Lisa, you're saying "Brown" an awful lot. Are you okay?

but mostly great anger. There are perfectly logical explanations for everything that happened. The bonfire sent soot into the air, which created rain. And with all the trees cut down, a flood was inevitable. Yeah, but what made the rain stop? I dunno. Buddha?

Ooh! TrÈs bien! Yeah. What the hell are you doing, you little freak? Ooh, sorry, kid. Sorry. I'm not used to the laughter of children. It cuts through me like a dentist's drill. But, no, that was funny, you taking away my dignity like that. Ha-ha.

Give me a hundred lotto tickets, Apu, because Mr. X is on a roll. Stop it, Apu. You're scaring me. Aah! Aah! What's going on? Help! I'm being kidnapped!

Welcome to my nightmare. I knew you had your hands full with the babies, so I baked you some banana bread. Oh, hallelujah. Our problems are solved. We have banana bread.

But you'll find one gets more respect as a humble civil servant... than as a homicidal maniac or a clown's sidekick. Aha! I knew it! You're still angry that Krusty picked me instead of you. - I can't imagine what you mean. - Oh, come now! You wanted to be Krusty's sidekick since you were five!

"The Half-Assed Approach to Foundation Repair." Hello, I'm Troy McClure. You might remember me from such instructional videos as... Mothballing Your Battleship and Dig Your Own Grave and Save.

My good looks paid for that pool, and my talent filled it with water. Hi, I'm Troy McClure, your future uncle. Hi. I remember you from such filmstrips... as locker Room Towel Fight: The Blinding of Larry Driscoll. I was one of the first to speak out against horseplay. Uh-huh.

There was nothing in Al Capone's vault But it wasn't Geraldo's fault D'oh! Look what I got! Now people will stop intentionally ramming our car!

The lever you have pulled-- brakes-- is not in service. Please make a note of it. How fast are they going? Yikes! Well, judging by your husband's cowardly scream, 180 miles an hour. Yikes!

Hmm. These do taste better at the ball park. Uh-oh. There he is ! I was graceful. I was witty. Brother, I was something ! But they didn't care. What is with these people ? Why are they sitting on their hands ?

Hello! Itchy and Scratchy Land, open for business. Who are you to resist it, huh? Come on. My last paycheck bounced. My children need wine.

I must destroy you! Homer, what's going on down there? Nothing. Then stop screaming so loud. Okay.

where do you think you're going? I'm the only single girl left in the family. Well, I guess it could be worse.

Crack that whip licorice whip I Said whip it licorice whip

that, oh, you'll forget all about Rudolph Valentino.

There is no escape from the fortress of the moles!

"Lisa, I'm taking the coward's way out. "But before I do, I just want you to know... being smart made me appreciate how amazing you really are." Oh, Dad. Oh, you want a hug. Well, that I know how to do.

My shack! My beautiful shack! Oh, and I just got it the way I like it.

Now, quiet! They're about to announce the lottery numbers. Seventeen, 32-- D'oh! five-- D'oh! - eight-- - Whoo-hoo! 47. D'Oh! Attention, students. Please clear out your lockers into the wastebaskets provided. Thirty-six, 24, 36. Ha, ha, ha.

Where the hell are my keys ? Who stole my keys ? Come on. I'm late for work. Oh, Homer, you'd lose your head if it weren't securely fastened to your neck. Did you check the den ? The den ! Great idea.

Oh, man, There goes Peter Frampton's big finale. He's gonna be pissed off. You're damn right I'm gonna be pissed off! I bought that pig at Pink Floyd's yard sale! - Dad, are you okay? - I'm fine.

If they hear about this in Modesto, I'm ruined. Maybe I wanted to be caught. Now, Homer, that Southern congressman... is your biggest obstacle. Your job is to drink him under the table so he misses the vote. You think you can do it?

Oh, I was a fool to help that horrible old man. I hope you learned your lesson, Lisa. Never help anyone.

Sherman, I just realized you insulted me. Now you will die.

who do you find more attractive-- Tom Cruise or Mel Gibson? What is the point of all this? Your Honor, I feel so confident of Marge Simpson's guilt, that I can waste the court's time by rating the super hunks. Wow, that's confidence. Ooh, he's gonna win.

No! How did they find me?

We came here to talk about our problems. Fine! I want to marry Anne Boleyn. But I can't chop my wife's head off because her father is the King of Spain! Your Majesty, your feelings are valid, but I'm afraid marriage takes a lot of hard work. And who needs that? I say trade in that lemon and get busy! Woo-hoo!

Ow! Cut it out! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! All right. Here, take the keys.

Oh, terrible, just terrible. They seem to get worse every year. Ha, ha, ha! Wonderful! This is the best batch we've ever had.

I'm awfully sorry. Entirely my fault. It is nice to meet you, Homer. Oh, no, no. Homer is my... ball's name. I'm Marge.

That's all? Just a statue? This country makes me sick.

Well, of course, I didn't want a racehorse in my living room. But you don't say no to Spring Byington, do you? No, you don't. Oh, you'll find this amusing-- - the suit Charlie Chaplin was buried in. - Eww! Here's a scoop for your readers-- the Hall of Patriots.

You're ignorant! That's the Wright Brothers' plane. At Kitty Hawk in 1903, Charles Lindbergh flew it 15 miles on a thimbleful of corn oil. Single-handedly won us the Civil War, it did. So, how do you know so much about American history? I pieced it together mostly from sugar packets.

I kinda wish I hadn't freed their leader and, you know-- doomed mankind. Oh, honey, I wouldn't say "doomed." It's gonna be an adjustment, no question. But-- Ugh!

Hello, my name is Mr. Burns. I believe you have a letter for me. Okay, Mr. Burns. Uh, what's your first name ? I don't know. Great plan, Bart !

I'd say it's awfully cozy. That's dilapidated. Rustic. That house is on fire. Motivated seller. That's a beauty! Forget about that house. That's the Murder House. Ooh, I remember.

I have a court order demanding an immediate halt...

Can you say "Mama"? Can you say "get bent"? Bart! Mr. Rogers says it all the time. He does not. Maggie, can you say "Daddy"? Daddy. Kitty. Kitty. Be-bop. Be-bop. Shove it. Shove it.

Homer? It looks like it could gore. It does look like Al Gore. Oh, he smells worse than anything. Hey, you, elephant! Lift me up on your back, man. Whoo! Bart! Cool!

Well, how about this? This thing says my mother's still alive! She died when I was a kid! See that stone angel up there? That's my mother's grave! My dad points it out every time we drive by. Mr. Simpson, uh, maybe you should actually go up there. Huh?

Why would you make up a lie like that? No. It's true. Maude and I sell religious hook rugs over the Internet. Internet, eh? Yes, indeedy. Making some good scratch too. Scratch, eh? Yep. Maude, eh?

How could you have seen all this, Bart? Weren't you supposed to be in school? I... sorta skipped school.

Baron Von vertzenberger, on behalf of the American people, I apologize for-- Ja, ja, ja. Mach schnell mit the art things, huh? I must get back to Dance Central in Stuttgart in time to see Kraftwerk. Hey, und, dummkopf! Watch out for the CD changer in my trunk, huh? Idiot.

Oh! We made it! Whoo-hoo! Eat my shorts, Shelbyville! Eat my shorts! Yes! Eat all of our shirts! Oh, ya lousy Springfielders! YOu-- Shake harder, boy!

Bart, would you go start Daddy's car? Homer! What? There's nothing to worry about. Well, then you start it. All right. Fine. I'll take a cab.

Tubby? Oh, yes, tubby. Hey, Banner, how's it hangin'? None of your business. What on earth happened down there?

Need more lap. (GULPING) OTTO: Whoa! I can't see! I'll have to steer by the reflection in my watch!

One way or another I'm gonna win ya I'm gonna getcha getcha getcha getcha One way or another I'm gonna see ya I'm gonna meetcha meetcha meetcha meetcha One day, maybe next week

Little boy, I bet you'd like to visit the cockpit. Ooh-ooh, baby! And this control stick is like the handlebars on your tricycle. Now, would you like to see where we hang our coats? No, thank you. I'd rather push this button. Oops! No! We're all gonna die!

Come on, feel the Lord Heaven's your reward We'll get saved, saved, saved What's wrong, Bart? You love youth culture. Mom, a religion isn't cool just because they've glommed onto some crappy rock band from the 1940s.

Now, what is a wedding? Well, Webster's Dictionary describes a wedding as... "the process of removing weeds from one's garden." Tell us more about you and Marge.

It's carne de burro. Nice to meet you. Ah, the new Packard we've been hearing so much about.

Mm. Keep up the good work, toots. Chicks on the bench.

All right, how should I get there? Hmm. I guess it's row versus wade. And it's my right to choose! Are you looking to cross the lake which separates ye from she? Who are you? The sailing instructor.

God, I gotta ask you something. What's the meaning of life? Homer, I can't tell you that. - Come on. - You'll find out when you die. I can't wait that long. You can't wait six months? No, tell me now. Well, okay.

Aah ! Oof ! Ow, ow ! Ah ! Doh ! Ah ! Ow ! Ooh ! You think you've got guts, try raising my Kids.

Simple villagers, I promise you. I will close plants in America and bring work here! ¡Viva, SeÑor Burns! ¡Viva! iViva! Whoa! Whoa! We did 20 takes, and that was the best one.

Uh, hi. - Hi. - I have soy milk. The doctor says the real kind could kill me. I wish I was interesting like you.

I'm not going to enroll in that clown college though. That advertisement had no effect on me whatsoever.

Hey, Wendell, you made it, buddy.

Tonight on Smartline: "I'm okay. You're too fat." Here's your host, Kent Brockman. Good evening.

The house is slightly askew. To the panic room! Aaah! Daddy, I'm scared.

Homer, get ready! For what? Remember? Luann and Chase are taking us out to hear Spalding Gray. I don't want to go to that. You said you'd do it as a favor to me. That doesn't sound like something I'd say. Fine. I'll go without you. Okay. Love ya!

Well, don't you know how to paint the town red. May I ask about your weekend?

Oh, you're Seymour's friend. Here. He left you this note. Dear Bart, Your friendship during this difficult time will not be forgotten. However, I've decided to return to the only thing besides school...

Now, where were we? - Oh, yeah. I was gonna tell your fortune. - Huh? Oh, man. You're gonna be rich! Whoa! There's your mansion. There's the tennis court. And there's the swimming pool. See you later, Bart.

Are you still mad ?

Bart! Son of a-- Oh, my God! Okay, we'll call it even if I can just have some of that big sandwich. Oh. I'll come back.

Say, what you got there? I don't know exactly. It's from the Room of Lamps That Do Not Look Like Lamps. Hmm?

Oh, boy. That sounded bad. We demand you bring in a police chief who will enforce the prohibition law. Demand? Who are you to demand anything? I run this town! You're just a bunch of low-income nobodies! Uh, election in November. Election in November. What? Again? This stupid country.

I'm sorry, folks. You're not allowed to go up there. In fact, I don't even know why I'm here. This lava is not a criminal. It hasn't hurt anybody... (SCREAMING)

That guy cheapens our whole profession. What do you think of him, Internet Comic?

(ALL GASP) I'm sorry, but the only thing I'm praying for is that you take it easy on our credit cards. (LAUGHING) (BOTH MOANING) Oh, Mr. Thompson, what if your wife finds out? It's modern times. Everyone's doing it.

I am Hotseiosha, a japanese priest who acts like Santa Claus. I have eyes in the back of my head... so children better behave when I'm nearby.

Hey, I-- That-- Oh. Gee, I hate to let you down, Casanova, but, uh, no receipt, no return. I'll give you four bucks for it. Very well. I must hurry back to my comic book store, where I dispense the insults rather than absorb them.

Ooh, could it be there's a special someone you're not telling me about? Is it Teri? No. Sheri? No! That girl with the lazy eye? No. That exchange student Mix!pa?

I'll tell you someone who cares. He's got long hair, works as a carpenter, has a lot of crazy ideas about love and brotherhood. His name's Gunnar, and he's dating my mom. Sometimes he buys us beer. I thought Kearney was dating your mom. Hey, she came on to me. Get him!

No burning leaves without a permit! I got one. Too late!

Did anyone see that new Woodsy Allen movie? You know, I like his films, except for that nervous fella's always in 'em. If you want to talk nervous, you should have seen Kirk deal with the high school boys...

Yeah, and I'll put the "super" back in superintendent.

Now, remember, the instant you finish it, I own your soul for-- Hey, wait, if I don't finish this last bite, you don't get my soul, do you?

Very well. There must be dozens of great locations in this town. Don't you worry about me.

Come home, my Bonny warrior For now the nets are full O' fish... Is that tape working?

- Please, can I throw one little-- - No. What if I just burn down a-- No. Can I at least incite further-- No. I've caused enough trouble already by plugging in that Santa Claus. No more irresponsible behavior. Can I have a beer? All right. - But not the imported. - Homer! You've got to set limits, Marge. No beer!

And look at these toy soldiers! They'll break the second I step on 'em. Stupid... toy... soldiers! Break, you stupid-- All right. Come on, pops. - Soldiers won't bother you anymore. - Oh!

I just need a little moola to get my amp out of hock. How 'bout a little loan-ski?

- Waylon. - Thank you. As Montgomery Burns's closest friend, I'm certain there is nothing he would want more... than swift, brutal revenge against Homer Simpson. Therefore, I am offering a $50,000 reward for his capture. - Dead or alive. - Holy cow! Me first! Me first!

Lisa is a fool I think the rules are cool I've fallen in the pool

But now I know her moves. So, if you're listening to me, lady, you'd better think long and hard before trying something like this on Homer Simpson again !

Where we'll get: a free room, free food, free swimming pool, free HBO-- Ooh! Free Willy! justice is not a frivolous thing, Simpson.

have behaved like a total buffoon.

Happy birthday to you Why won't I die?

Help! Kidnappers!

I understand. You don't understand anything! (GRUNTING) You're such a psycho! Mama's boy! Future skank! Family guy! Well, well, well, if it isn't Punch 'n' Juvie.

Yeah, like that really hurt.

Oh! YOu-- Stop! Don't recycle! It's murder! You're helping Mr. Burns! But you told us to recycle. You convinced us it was good.

Bart, did you hear that? Could it be? Whoa! Come on, kids. Let's try the lights.

Are we there yet ? No !

- How did it go? - Fine! Oh, I mean, not good. I'm sorry, Apu. But remember-- Who needs the Kwik-E-Mart Do you mind? I'm not in the mood. Apu, if it'll make you feel any better, I've learned that life is one crushing defeat after another... until you just wish Flanders was dead.

Eat my shorts. All right, I'll eat-- Eat your shorts? Yeah, eat my shorts. ButtmaN na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na buttman Buttman?

Well, there goes Christmas dinner. Oh, head of the line. A family could get used to being shunned, huh? Huh? Hey, look, Sean. It's that family everybody hates. Whatever.

Dad, have you seen the girls they have in those contests? Hubba, hubba! Hey, nobody's prettier than my little girl.

After the Berlin Wall fell our records started selling on the dismal side of the Iron Curtain. That gave us a boost. We're big in Bulgaria, and the other Garia. Hungaria? Who's benefited more from the death of communism than us?

Out, boy. Out ! What a grump.

Hey, my insomnia, it's gone. Check it out, Marge. I'm sane again. And I owe it all to... spring break! Whoo! Whoo! I'm an animal! Huh?

Nice try, Homer. just take one bite. If you're not 100% different-- Ow! Geez, what's the big deal? Look, I'll even eat some. Now-- Hmm?

1796. A fiercely determined band of pioneers leaves Maryland... after misinterpreting a passage in the Bible.

Come on, Maggie, it's Miller time. Yes, it's Miller time. Homer! Oh, my father gave me beer as a child... till I wrapped my little red wagon around a tree. Let's never drink again.

Drastic action had to be taken to stop his war machine.

Good Lord! It's coming up right behind him! What the-- No! No! Ow! Ow! Stop it! Children, teachers, back to your rooms.

According to the gas chromatograph the secret ingredient is... love?! Who's been screwing with this thing?

(GRUNTING) Whoa! Take my wallet and leave me alone! It's not fair. (SOBBING)

I know another place you can go!

Bed goes up. Bed goes down. Bed goes up. Bed goes down. Bed goes up. Bed goes down.

Hey-hey! Hey-hey! Hey-hey! Hey-hey-- Hey hey-- So hot. So sticky.

Mr. Simpson, you're going to be fine, although you do seem to have swallowed a number of shark eggs. Actually, that was before I went in the ocean. I don't want to pry into your personal life-- Then don't!

Is this the bus to the civic center?

The Murder House! Wow, now, that's something! Boo-yah! Wow, you must've told a whopper to unload that death trap. What'd you use, Marge? The old buff and bluff? The Hail Murray? The Susquehanna Shuffle? Huh? Huh? Huh? No. No. No tricks.

I got some dynamite stuff from Rabbi Simon Ben-Eliazar. "At all times let a man be supple as a reed and not rigid as a cedar." Bart, my short, learned friend, the Book of joshua says "You shall meditate on the Torah all day and all night."

Can we stop for ice cream? Homer always stops for ice cream. We'll see. That always means no. Mmm! Where's your mother? I gotta get to Moe's. Dad, Mom's been driving everyone everywhere. Why don't you take public transportation? Public transportation is for jerks and lesbians.

Excuse me. I'm john Smith. John Smith, 1882? My mistake.

I can't argue with the man who wrote Profiles in Courage. Yes, uh, wrote it, uh-- Well, uh, good luck, "Liser." Thanks! I'll see you in heaven! Uh, yes, er, heaven. Oh.

Well, Marge... Maggie was very young. It's not like we got so attached to her. No. Marge, isn't life funny? One day, they're babies the next thing you know, they're off on their own.

And your discovery of the cure for the common cold-- Hello, Marge. I'm Lee Majors. Will you come away with me? Uh... sure.

Well, if it isn't little-- uh, boy. Mom, Dad! Mr. Burns is a vampire, and he has Bart!

Music is none of my business. That's fine for you, Marge, but I used to rock and roll all night and party ev-er-y day. Then it was every other day. Now I'm lucky if I can find half an hour a week in which to get funky.

Dad, we did something very bad! Did you wreck the car? No. Did you raise the dead? Yes! But the car's okay? Uh-huh. All right, then.

The wife that I told her I had. I do not have a wife! Then maybe you shouldn't have told her you did. Oh! She's going to be here any second. Oh, yes! That will buy me some time. Homer, you've got to help me.

I'm a grown man now, and I can run my own life!

Selling Your Soul In A Buyer's Market."

Wish I'd thought of that. She's starting to give. Homer, if Maggie doesn't want to leave the house maybe she should just stay with you. Are you sure that's wise?

But I have a girlfriend. Now you've got a pen-pal. Yay! So you see, Mr. Roberts, I really would like my house back. Really? Well, that's too bad because I'm not leaving. See, I like this place, and I've already got fatso, here, broken in. Ain't that right, fatso? Huh? (GRUNTS) Yeah. I am a little pudgy.

"On September 15, 1620,

And every night the monkey butlers will regale us with jungle stories. How many monkey butlers will there be? One at first, but he'll train others. Cool! Yeah! Good. Let's get to work. Me and Nelson will build the tree house. Martin, draw up plans for a coconut radio, and, if possible, a coconut Nintendo system.

Oh, I hope I haven't upset you, bongo head! Oh, I should be resisting this, but I'm paralyzed with rage... and island rhythms.

Huh? I am not going to dignify that with an answer.

Yeah. The doctor.

Bart, what's wrong with you?

Paddle harder, Homer. We gotta fight the current. Wrong again, Flanders. In a situation like this, you just relax... and let the current take you back to land. D'oh.

Mr. Simpson, your son alleges... that you have an anger management problem. Why, you little- Uh, I'm sorry, Judge. That's a rare lapse in my normally calm demeanor. Could the stenographer please read back the previous statement? "Why, you little"- Why, you little-

Wow! Did you see that yaw control? I have eyes, don't I?

Before I get started on today's sermon, entitled... "What Ned Did,"

Look, Mom. There he is ! Oh, Bart, my baby boy. Welcome home. Hey, where's the big guy ? He means me. - Hey, boy. - Hey, Homer. He brought us gifts. His first unselfish act. So, basically, I met one nice French person.

No door is gonna keep me from my meddlin'! Stand up straight, Bart. Abe? What the-- Now, here's a piece of bad news. Oh, Abe! You've aged terribly. What do you expect? You left me to raise the boy on my own!

Look. Here comes the "friend ship" sailing your way. Ooh, here. Let me get that, friend. Oops. Lost a nail. Well, that's leprosy for you.

Your sister just wants to learn and be like you! Well, maybe she needs a better role model. PHONIC FROG: I agree with your mother. You are a disappointment to Huh-Oh-Muh-Eh-Er. (SOBBING)

Lisa, do you want a bite of my ice cream? No, thanks. Send it this way, boy. - Whoops! - Aww. Aw, nothing gets chocolate out. See?

Homer, there's four places. There's the Hammock Hut. That's on Third. Uh-huh. There's Hammocks-R-Us. That's on Third too. - You got Put-Your-Butt-There. - Mm-hmm. - That's on Third. Swing Low, Sweet Chariot. - Right. Matter of fact, they're all in the same complex. It's the hammock complex on Third. Oh, the hammock district.

You're still not in your own world, Homer.

But-- Go! What have we here? "The Lighter Side of Hippies." They don't care whose toes they step on. Whoo!

Can it be that the champion of child literacy can't even read himself ?

Quoth the Raven: Eat my shorts.

Oh, crap! It's on fire! Inflammable means flammable? What a country! Can you drive me to Shelbyville Hospital? I reckon so. Hey!

All right, class, I think we have time for one more report.

Bright light city gonna set my soul gonna set my soul on fire Aah!

Sir, the TV ratings for the launch are the highest in 10 years. - And how's the spacecraft doing? - I don't know. All this equipment is just used to measure TV ratings. It's beautiful.

These are our most dangerous criminals-

A fortuneteller? Oh, no, you don't. This phony gypsy just wants to rip you off. See? This wart is a fake! What the hell is your-- Ew. Get out. So much for the legendary gypsy hospitality.

Yeah. We'd rather have a live sissy mincing around the house than some dead hero any day. Choke on your candor! You can strangle Bart, but you can't strangle your humiliation. It's a deal! (CHOKING)

Please, Bart, no more pranks. It would mean so much to me if we could have just one nice family photo.

should come over and hunker in our bunker.

Excuse me, Mr. Farmer Man.

Korea did it. And look at the quality of their animation. Hmm. What to do? What to do?

Quadraphonic sound, a water bed, and now a strobe light. Gentlemen, say hello to the Second Base-Mobile. Wicked!

We call it Three Stooges syndrome. So what you're saying is I'm indestructible. Oh, no, no. In fact, even a slight breeze could-- Indestructible.

To heaven! Oh. Christ be with you. D'oh! Hi. I've created the first intra-bovine ice-cream maker.

Hmm. Who or what is Santos L. Halper? Wow! My own credit card! Thanks, Santos! A quarter? You're just the dog that keeps on giving, aren't ya?

And Lenny says that I'm, uh-- get this-- "a little slow"! How come you're not laughing? Do you think I'm slow? Buh. Snuh.

Wow! Lisa, can you say "Mommy"? Mommy. Can you say "David Hasselhoff"? Dave Hassahoff. Can you say "Daddy"? Homer. No, sweetie. "Daddy". Homer.

Bringing in the sheaves Bringing in the sheaves We shall come rejoicing Well, he's not getting it from his brother that's for darn sure. Damn crappy nails! Super glue, my butt! D'oh! You bas..! Hit it..! Shot..! D'Oh!

Please, Marge. How often can I see a movie of this caliber on late-night TV?

Welcome to Waterville State Penitentiary. The contestants you'll see today are actual prisoners... on a break from their telemarketing duties. Now, here comes our first outlaw! Yee-haw! Doggy.

Abraca-- Turn into a prince guy? Sloppy work, as usual. Lisa's casting spells at an eighth grade level. You've sinned against nature. Please kill me. You think you're so great just because you have godlike powers!

Homer. Moe. What are you doin' here? I, um-- Well, I-- I never touched her. Homer, I swear, I never touched her. Here's your water, Moe. I didn't ask her for no water. She's lyin', Homer. She told me you were dead. That's the only reason I-- I didn't do nothin'!

You're probably right. Let's just go back. Satisfied? Big deal. It's no different from the basement in Grampa's rest home. Look! Oh, my God!

You idiot! Those are Colorforms!

Our elementary school participates in a foreign exchange program.

This better work, boy. I don't wanna wind up... working on your mother's emu farm. Don't worry. This is the score we've been dreaming about. The grease traps in this kitchen have never been emptied.

Well, it's worth a try. Don't you-- We're fine, Colonel.

Is this the Abraham Simpson who wrote the Itchy and Scratchy episode? Ishi and what? Oh, you must be some kind of crazy person. I'm sorry, but we have a substantial check here for a Mr. Abraham Simpson. That's right. I did the Iggy.

This ain't no five-X whiskey. I can still see. That barkeep's a no-good cheat! Cheat? Eh-- All right. We've all got derringers. Now let's just put 'em away. Nobody here is a cheat.

Stay away from me, Homer! Give me the bat, Marge. Give me the bat. Give me the bat. Come on. Give me the bat. Give me the bat, bat, ooh. Scaredy-cat.

Hey, Jenda, how about some forehead? (GRUNTS) (GROANS) That was jagged. Hmm. When I was a kid, we didn't show our affection by head-butting. Oh, Marge. (GROANS) Oh, right, separated.

Get off! Get off!

just gotta put my shoes on.

Now you see me. Now you don't. Oh! It's just like my dream! Ooh. That was terrible. I'll just sprinkle you all with some amnesia dust.

Smithers, who was that corpse? Homer Simpson, sir. One of the finest, bravest men ever to grace Sector 7g. I'll cross him off the list.

Don't worry. Being eaten by a crocodile... is just like going to sleep... in a giant blender. Wonder where this river goes. I've got a map.

Oh! Thank the good dude, I'm saved! - And we can go back for the kids too. - Hmm. I think I'm gonna like it on this boat.

Come on, jimmy. Let's take a peek at the killing floor. Don't let the name throw you, jimmy. It's not really a floor. It's more of a steel grating... that allows material to sluice through so it can be collected and exported.

for holiday-related fatalities.

Ow! Ow! - Ow! Ow! - Ow! This is wearin' a bit thin. You think so? Bart! Look! Maybe a plane exploded. Our prayers have been answered.

Ugh! It's hard enough to keep the kids awake without you, Seymour.

Smithers, who is this nincompoop?

What are we laughing at ?

Who knows what adventures they'll have between now... and the time the show becomes unprofitable? I'm Troy McClure, and I'll leave you with what we all came here to see: hard-core nudity!

Why can't we be friends why can't we be friends why can't we be friends why can't we be friEnds Your boy looks a little soft, Moe.

Man, look at all the crap with my face on it. "Krusty's Personal Swabs"? What was I thinking? All these years, I should've been working on my act, but I was too busy selling out. Now I'm just a tired old hack.

A bloody end for Homer Simpson... is just one of several possible outcomes, according to our computer simulation. Now, here's how it would look if the police killed him with a barrage of baseballs. We've gotta go down there and help Dad. Oh, stop it!

Kill my boss? Do I dare live out the American dream?

I'm sorry, Mr. Blackbeard. We're low on chairs, and this is the last one. Arr! This chair be high, says I.

I gotta go home and change! Here's your money. You know, the problem here was water leakage. If you just buy a fifty-cent washer-- I've got a better idea. Get the hell out! Look, I've got some washers in my truck. I'll give you one.

Hey. Why is it destroying other toys? They must have programmed it to eliminate the competition. You mean like Microsoft? Exactly.

I've learned that even made-up corporate shills can lie to you. Did you hear that, Foxy the Fox Network Fox?

and it's too late to do anything about that. Frankly, I'm starting to regret skipping you ahead.

The Kwik-E mart.

Hold it right there.

I know you are, but what am I?

Kirk Van Houten. How many of you children have gone out to your car and found a flyer on the windshield? Are you the guy that puts 'em there? No. I-I'm his assistant. But one time he was sick and he let me do it. I totally screwed it up. Uh, um, that-that's it.

Yeah-- "The Best is Yet to Come." Real original. Aaah! Aw, geez. How did this happen? All I wanted was to glue feathers on felt... and teach the boys good citizenship-- and now it's a donnybrook.

Oh! Four, ha-ya-yah. Three, ha-ya-yah.

- Ow. - Five hundred, 400, 300, 200, 100, zero.

Only Fallout Boy can save me now.

You stay here till you're no longer insane. Hmm. Chili would be good tonight. Homer, it's Moe. Uh, look, some of the ghouls and I... are a little concerned the project isn't moving forward. Can't murder now. Eating. Oh, for crying out loud.

And this is when I was on tour with the Smashing Pumpkins. Oh! And here's a picture of me in outer space. You... went into outer space? You? Sure. You've never been? Would you like to see my Grammy award? No! I wouldn't. God. I've had to work hard every day of my life, and what do I have to show for it?

And that's when the CHUDs came at me.

Sure thing, giant beer. Ooh! Ow! Ow! Ow! Mother of Mercy! Hey! This is kinda fun. Whee! Whee! Ow!

Patience, Monty. Climb the ladder.

It-- Say, where's your partner? Where's Homer Simpson? Coming, Chief! Oh! Now what have you done, Simpson? I was supervising the Guns for Toys program. It's Toys for Guns! Now you tell me.

What about Hawaiian shirts?

My dad may have gained a little weight, but he's not some kind of food-crazed maniac. Ah! Oh! That's raspberry. Oh.

You know, Homer, the traditional way to cheat in golf... is to lower your score.

Please. Really, I mean it ! Now, stop it ! I'm sorry, Marge. Take me home, Artie. Well, it's 1:00. If you wanna keep me, I'm afraid it's gonna be $45 an hour.

Two plus two is four. I can see why this is so popular. Look at him. - Two plus two is four. - Two-- Give me my bear, Simpson! It's The Sou-ou-oul Mass Transit System. Give it to me.

Hey! All right. So, the compression and expansion... of the longitudinal waves cause the erratic oscillation-- you can see it there-- of the neighboring particles. Yes? What is it? What? What is it? Can I play with it? No, you can't play with it. You won't enjoy it on as many levels as I do.

She ain't gettin' the home version. I guess we better get used to being pariahs. There's no shame in being a pariah.

Sir, bad news from Accounting. The economy's hit us pretty hard. Tough times, huh? I've lived through 12 recessions, eight panics and five years of McKinleynomics. I'll survive this.

All right, Mr. Burns, you win. But beware-- we Germans aren't all smiles und sunshine.

Mrs. Simpson, you're under oath. We drove around until 3:00 a.m., looking for another all-you-can-eat fish restaurant. And when you couldn't find one? We went fishing. Do these sound like the actions of a man...

I can't believe your selfishness. You can go fishing anytime, but we're here trying to save our marriage. You-You're thinking about fishing even when I'm talking right now. Right ? Would this be a good time to be honest ? Yes. You're right ! I am ! Help me, Marge ! - What do I do to be a good guy ? - Get back in bed.

Fair enough. - And my sisters. - Doh ! How we danced on the night we were wed

- Damn sandwich took a bite out of me! - Oh.

Whoo-hoo! In your face, Milwaukee.

Oh, man. I can't believe you failed. Oh, I'm gonna lose my job just 'cause I'm dangerously unqualified! Mr. Simpson, there is a way. We could, well, use a computer to change your grade. Computers can do that?

You're a good father. I learned from the master. Where's Maggie? Where's Maggie? I'm not kiddin'. I can't see. My retinas have detached again.

It's just a little slimy. It's still good. It's still good. It's just a little airborne. It's still good. It's still good. - It's gone. - I know.

Smells like one of Van Houten's. It does not. Miss Hoover, the floor is shaking. Ralph, remember the time you thought that--

Milhouse is out bed and full beans. Whoa, it's a miracle!

Tell them I joined the Blue Man Group!

Nobody's gonNa tAke my Ned gonna teach him to have fun ooh, he's A FlanderS machine-- That sure was a fun trip to Las Vegas. Eh, too many kids.

I invented a program that downloads porn off the Internet one million times faster. Does anybody need that much porno? Oh. One million times.

Fasten your seat belts, kids. We're on our way to Itchy and Scratchy Land. D'oh! Don't worry. I've got an ace up my sleeve.

Ohh. i remember Little Vicki Valentine. Her perky smile and dancing brought America right out of the Depression. Well, I think World War II helped a little, Mom.

Oh. Don't worry, Maggie. I'll think of something. Who's that little baby?

For three weeks, all you been talkin' about was meeting Matlock. Now you met him, swiped his pills-- "Take one every hour to prevent spastic heart convulsions." Clear! But you ain't said a word!

Ridin' the midnight train to slab city. Thanks for the beer, Moe. But before Lisa died, she made this tape that I think you should hear. Dear Moe, if anything should ever happen to me, I want you to tear up my dad's tab, and pour cocktail onions-- Dad, I can't. Read it!

Steady. Steady! Now, when the wealthy dowager comes in, the party's over, right? Wrong! Kill wealthy dowager.

Yes, medicine. (MARGE READING) (SINISTER LAUGH) Ugh. Even the Pope couldn't forgive this pizza. And he's letting a lot of things slide these days.

They have violent names for everything here. Oh, I see. All right. I'll have the baby guts. Lady, you disgust me. Mom, that's veal. Oh.

(GRUNTING) (GROANING) (HEART BEATING)

I dont speak any language so good. We have considered your proposal, and our answer is no. Boss, they hid guns in the men's room! Ah, clumsy me. I dropped my fork. Boys, help me pick it up.

Here you go, little lady. And for the record, there were a few jewish cowboys--

Troy, Mac Parker. Ever hear of Planet of the Apes? Uh, the movie or the planet?

(LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY) You keep thinking that.

But there's only one way to find out.

Sorry, lady. I know you. You're Kim "Basin-Jer." It's Basinger. Oh, my God. I'm such a huge, huge fan of yours, Miss "Basin-Jer." Thanks. Um, listen. You think you could slide over a little? Well, I am a married man. You're crushing my husband. Billy Baldwin!

Thanks, Dad. Well, I'm just glad we're back to me being the father and you being the son. Are you sure that thing could really explode? Oh, I doubt it. But we'll let the seagulls at the dump figure it out. (BOTH LAUGHING)

But look what happens when I take it.

(GASPING) Quickly, Smithers, re-hydrate me. But one old man we certainly don't miss is the late C. Montgomery Burns. As owner of the Springfield Nuclear Power Plant, he generated both electricity and contempt.

Ha-ha! Crud. He's down there. Crud! Do you find something comical about my appearance...

Whoa! What are you doing? I can't help it. It's the shoes. Nobody upstages Little Vicki.

Son, a woman is a lot like, um,

I don't get it. Hello. I'm collecting for the Brotherhood of jewish Clowns. Last year, tornadoes claimed the lives of 75 Jewish clowns. The worst incident was during our convention in Lubbock, Texas. There were floppy shoes and rainbow wigs everywhere.

In a bold move that has stunned Hollywood insiders, newly divorced comeback kid Troy McClure... has turned down the supporting lead in McBaiN iv... to direct and star in his own pet project, The Contrabulous Fabtraption of Professor Horatio Hufnagel. Will the gambit pay off? 20th Century Fox is betting... it will.

The Itchy and Scratchy Show

I've got a better idea. Get the hell out! Look, I've got some washers in my truck. I'll give you one. Marge, get my gun.

Forget it, Homer. It's Chiro-town.

Hey, show some respect. My dad died in some war.

Tyler, is there a peaceful solution possible? (TYLER COOING) (BEEPING) (GASPING) All right, that's it. Show's over! Five, six, so long, hicks!

Oh, I don't know. Harvey Fierstein. - No! - Who else? Uh-- Uh-- Oh. MacGyver's gay. Oh! You bad-mouthed MacGyver, didn't you?

You know, I went to the McDonald's in, uh, Shelbyville on Friday night. The Mc-what? Uh, McDonald's restaurant. I-- I never heard of it either, but, uh, they have over 2,000 locations in this state alone. Must have sprung up overnight.

Are you the Beer Baron? Well, if you're talking about root beer, I plead guilt-diddily-ilty as char-diddily-arged. He's not the Baron. But he sounds drunk. Take him in. Are you the Beer Baron? Yes, but only by night. By day, I'm a mild-mannered reporter for a major metropolitan newspaper. Don't crack wise with me, tubby.

Hey, Lawn Boy! You missed a spot! When I'm done with you, they'll have to do a "compost-mortem!"

It's just like David and Goliath, only this time David won. Oh. I know. I heard it too. Here's some musiC. And to think you wanted me to crawl, Marge. Well, this man doesn't crawl. He stands tall.

Oh. You think they settled that bag boy strike yet? Oh, no. We're headed for Victoria Falls. Here's why they shouldn't get anything. One--

Bring forth all the cookies from your kitchen and leave them on the Simpsons' porch. But those belong to our parents. Look, do you want a happy God or a vengeful God? Happy God. Then quit flapping your lip. Yes, sir. Yes, sir.

When the Snow starts a-fallin' there's A man you should be callin' that's kl5-4796 let it ring Mr. Plow is A loser and I think he is A boozer

Oh, so Mother Nature needs a favor. Well, maybe she should have thought of that... when she was besetting us with droughts and floods and poison monkeys. Nature started the fight for survival, and now she wants to quit because she's losing. Well, I say hard cheese. But nature's not our enemy. Well, surely you agree we can do without her. No, I don't agree. No?

Diamond joe Quimby.

Come on, Romeo. They can't lock me up for long, Agnes. Will you wait for me? Are you crazy? My bones are half dust.

Oooh, a interview with Lorne Michaels. Oooh. Wait. That's no good. Hey, now we're talking. "Our unabashed dictionary defines I.U.D. as... 'love springs internal.'" I don't get it.

Please, Dad. Please, Dad. Please, Dad. Please, Dad. No. No. No. No. Please, Dad. Please, Dad. Please, Dad. Please, Dad. No. No. No. No. Please, Dad. Please, Dad. Please, Dad. No. No. No ! Now, look, son, we all know that usually when you bug me like this, I give in, so I'm not mad at you for trying. Shows you've been paying attention. But we all know I'm not gonna give you $100. Now, are you gonna stop bugging me ? Are you ? Are you ?

looks like a beautiful day to swipe some "pic-i-nic" baskets. But, "Homi," Ranger Ned's not gonna like that. I'll handle Ranger Ned. After all, I'm smarter than the average bear. Well, hello there, Ho-didilly-omi. Well, I'm afraid I'm gonna have to ask you to hand over that--

My name's Gloria. I'm here because johnny boy hasn't been able to cut it man-wise... for some time. Not that I'd want his odor of gin and sour defeat pressed against me. That's enough, Gloria !

This radio-controlled plane gives your baby the chance to fly just like my son here. He can execute the barrel roll, the loop-the-loop and bring it in for the perfect landing. Oh, dear. My wife is going to kill me.

and you always just throw them out the car window on the ride home. I get bored with them. But that won't happen this time. Beep-beep! Comin' through! Hey, Notre Dame, move it or lose it. A-oo-ga! Will the owner of the great big butt please move it out of my face. Climb it, man! All right!

Oh, my life is ruined!

Would you like to come in for tea and marshmallow squares? Yes, he would. So you want me to go to college? College? Ha! Barber or clown? Bart! Remember, your job and the future of your family... hinges on your successful completion of Nuclear Physics 101.

Go wild! Ha! Right, Seymour? Yes, something wild. Yeah, enjoy, huh? Get something fun. - Something stupid. - You only live once. - Speak for yourself. Marge, kids, let's go buy some happiness.

What call to Brazil?

and, uh, y-you all try to guess what it is. It's a pig! It's a cow, man. It's a pony! No, it's a goat! You know, one of them lady goats.

Oh, man. Another clock accident. No wonder. Look at this. That ought to hold it. I want my wife to get the best treatment money can buy.

Ooh! So cold. Wow! Pink daggers! - Green hatchets! - Yellow ice picks! And Stabby-Oh's are part of this nutritious breakfast. Hey. If you guys made breakfast, where's Mom? Here I am.

Man, that's gonna be some show. Who's ready for some football? Football! whoo-hoo

"Tragic news tonight. 120 dead... in a tidal wave in Kuala La-la--" "Pur--" "Kuala Lum-pur--" - France. - Yoink! Yoink?

Hey ! Wha-- Come on, you stupid tube ! Hmm. Looks like there's a jam in Delta sector. It's too big to be human. Send down a few kids. That should dislodge it. Roger.

So, he has fire in the belly. But it will take more than belly fire to be the next Baryshnikov!

Hey, yutz. Guns aren't toys. They're for family protection, hunting dangerous or delicious animals, and keeping the king of England out of your face.

(ALL CHEERING) TOM: Overseas, the reaction tonight is decidedly different. Simpsons be praised! Praise be to Springfield! (ULULATING) But not everyone is ululating tonight. The President announced today he is pointing warheads at...

If you marry me, we will honeymoon in Nebulon Five, also known as San Diego. SEYMOUR: No! Hands off my fiancee, wide ride! Why are you dressed like Catwoman? You... They told me it was Catman! Now prepare for some roughhousing!

Ninety sea chanteys on three compact discs. Blow the man down, mateys blow the man down row, row, row your boat in the navy come on and join your fellow man Act now and get a bonus C.D. Hornpipe Fever. Arr!

How about Tuborg, the beer of Danish kings? Mmm. Danish. Now, you know I can't sell you no beer till 2:00 p.m. on account of it's Sunday. Huh? If you can't sell beer, what are Lenny and Carl doin' here? Huh? Oh, we're just watching the sun move across the sky. When it gets to here, we can drink again.

Okilly-dokilly-do! Hens love roosters geese love ganders

Look here, boy. The secret is to take tiny bites, like so. Mmm! Mmm! Mmm! Stop it! Stop it! Let go of my hand! D'oh!

You lied to me! You promised to get rid of this gun. I put it in a safe place, Marge. I mean, what are the odds the boy would look in the vegetable crisper? How could you? Of all the terrible things you've ever done in your life, this is the worst,

This is the end beautiful friend This is the end My only friend the end

Oh, yes, yes. Rabbi Krustofski? What can I do for you, my young friend?

Stupid-- A bunch of jerks-- I can't believe it. Losing your marbles, huh, kid?

But just to be sure. (CRACKLING) (YELLING)

I'm telling you, this cilantro really gives it a zing! Reg, there's no cilantro in it. Oh, God! - Man alive. This soup is out of control! - Oh. Hey! My-- My eyes. My beautiful eyes! Oh, that's it. I'm going home. Dom DeLuise can interview himself!

Me good dad. Hmm. Does Dad seem a little dumber than usual? Me not notice.

Ten dollars? What is this, a car wash for millionaires? Throw hot wax on him, Dad. Howdy, Homer.

Oh, my. It seems the show is so scary that Congress won't even let us show it. Instead they've suggested the 1947 classic Glenn Ford movie, 200 Miles to Oregon.

Hmm. Put some sugar on that celery or get out, ma'am. Ooh, gummi bears! Gummi calves heads! Gummi jawbreakers!

Hey, hold still. Keep running, Max. I can't lose him! Help him out, Lou. Uh, you better call for backup, Chief. Leave me alone! Go swab Begley. He likes it. Slow down, punk!

And now, Springfield's oldest citizen-- he is, like, totally venerable-- Cornelius Chapman! Mm-whaa! Well, guess we should've expected that. Well, this award has to go to somebody.

Mommy had to go away. She's with God now.

Little Vicki. But you just said-- So what dance style were you interested in? We have ever so many. There's ballroom. Ow! You stepped on my toes again! If you would just let me lead-- - You're not a leader, Seymour. Never have been, never will be. - Oh! There's square dancing.

No. Here. Try my foot.

"I'm tired of these jokes about my giant hand. The first such incident occurred in 1956 when"-- Hi, Homer.

My face is on fire! Oh, look! There's Bart! Wave to him. Maybe we should spend more time with Bart.

Hello. I am Homer Simpson, or as some of you wags have dubbed me, Father Goose. You know, everybody believed the worst about me right away. Nobody cares that I didn't do it. But I didn't. Okay, look, I've done some bad things in my life,

When it comes to catchin' trout, nothin' beats the German light infantry. - Beautiful, aren't they? - Yep. I'm gonna huck 'em at cars.

Well, what you didilly-doing, neighbor? Putting speed holes in my car. Makes it go faster. Is that so? Well, gee, maybe the old Flanders mobile could use-- Aah! Wow. Lucky I always keep a Bible close to my heart.

Matlock Expressway.

Two: Whenever Poochie's not on screen, all the other characters should be asking, "Where's Poochie?" Three--

Hey, Salvatore, guess who's here! Mr. Kookalamanza and-a some real ugly kid.

it was mixed with shredded tobacco.

A few years back, Bart was adopted by Mr. Burns. In this very special outtake, Homer attempts a reconciliation... with his estranged son. Watch. Bart, you're coming home.

It preserves the things you love. "Starland Vocal Band"? They suck!

Oh, Mom, I can't believe you gave up painting... because of one small-minded art teacher.

You know, this isn't so bad. I'll just spend the summer getting better acquainted with an old friend called television. Yea!

Hey, turkeys! Behind ya. For the last time, Bush, apologize for spanking my boy! Never. You make him apologize for destroying my memoirs. You didn't tell me you destroyed his memoirs. Never!

I was trying to punish him exactly like you would. So, in a way, you really dropped the ball on this one. This is your mess, and I'll be damned if I'm gonna clean it up.

No! No! Lisa, it's not like you have a choice here. Bart! How many times have I told you not to bite your sist-- Wait a minute! You are a vampire!

Bart, did you take out the garbage like I asked? Indeed I did. D'oh! Hey, you goats get out of here! Boy, you're gonna have to be punished for this. Dad, you could punish me. But that means you have to think of a punishment, sit here and make sure I do it--

You've been rubbing my nose in it since I got here ! Your family is better than my family ! Your beer comes from farther away than my beer ! You and your son like each other ! Your wife's butt is higher than my wife's butt ! You make me sick !

No, Homie, no. I still love you. A lot of couples take separate vacations. Well, okay... but you have to swear you're coming back. I swear. All right, then.

He's a nuclear-safety technician. What's he doin' with that broom? Uh, what isn't he doing? I heard that guy's ass has its own congressman. Hey! Leave my dad alone. just because he's overweight doesn't mean he's bad.

That's our old smellhound and-- Geech gone to heaven, Mr. Terwilliger. Oh, Cousin Merl, really! Temper, temper. You know Cousin Merl ain't been quite right lately.

You put the beer in the coconut and drink it all up

Hey, kids. Look who's making breakfast. Itchy and Scratchy? That's right, kids! Never start the day on an empty stomach.

What? No-o-o! Join the navy Join the navy Join the navy

The tax men were merciless. Hey! Oh!

Lisa? Bail out! Oh, that was close.

An earring. How rebellious. In a conformist sort of way.

Let's see here. Caramels. Waffle batter. Liquid smoke. Oooh, waffle runoff.

...and thereby reducing the number of states to 49. Cool. ts the NBC news feed. Mmm. Feed. You get to see what they do during commercial breaks.

"Give me five bees for a quarter," you'd say. Now, where were we? Oh, yeah! The important thing was that I had an onion on my belt, which was the style at the time.

One of your favorite comic book heroes, "Radio Man"-- Radioactive Man, stupid! Strange. I shouldn't have been able to hear that.

Yes, you finally Made a monkey Out of me I love you, Dr. Zaius.

This is an insult to our Muslim hosts!

Hurl this at that. At Lenny? But he's a war hero. Well, let's decorate him then. No! Not even for... four dollars? Ow! My eye! I'm not supposed to get pudding in it!

I've become enchanted and illusioned with Washington.

Ra-di-o-ac-tive m-an,

I don't need to do my work, 'cause someone else will do it for me. D'oh, d'oh, d'oh. Hey, you okay, Grimey? I'm better than okay. I'm Homer Simpson. You wish. Oh, hi, Mr. Burns. I'm the worst worker in the world.

It's so tragic the way they hopped on Pop. I always dreamed you'd be my library buddy. Get out. No, really. I think books have an amazing power to bring people together. Look. Even Cletus is checking one out. Now hold still. Nothing cracks a turtle like Leon Uris.

It's your classic cry for attention. Well, young lady, I suppose we brought you home from boarding school a little prematurely. I was expelled, Dad. Remember the pipe bomb? The glee club brawl? Remember the school chapel collection plate? Bringing in the sheaves Exploding toilets ring a bell?

Ah, nuts. Hello? China? A little help? Well, I never thought it would come to this, but I guess we'll have to sell... Grandma's Civil War doll. Oh, Mom, are you sure you want to sell... a family heirloom to pay the gas bill? I mean, what would your grandma say?

"Hello, Mr.-- Kurns. I bad want... money now. Me sick." Ooh, he card reads good. "So pick, please, me, Mr. Burns." It's Kurns, stupid! No, it's not. Disregard. Oh, he's the worst yet.

Yeah, that's me, all right. And the guy standing next to me is President Gerald Ford. And this is when I was on tour with the Smashing Pumpkins. Oh! And here's a picture of me in outer space. You... went into outer space? You? Sure. You've never been? Would you like to see my Grammy award?

The Springfield phone book needs a new cover. It does? Send us your snapshots, and if we select yours, you win a fabulous mystery prize. To enter, send your film to this address. Too quick? Try again. Did you get it? Here it is. Coming in from the left. Don't delay. Do it today!

Yep, here's your problem. Someone set this thing to "evil." I love you, Homer. Come here, you!

And that little boy who nobody liked grew up to be... - Roy Cohn. - Wow!

(LAUGHING) (CRYING) To cope with the crisis, many consumers are turning to alternative forms of treatment. I've had to medicate Ralphie with stuff from the evidence locker. (CLANCY LAUGHS) I'm cuckoo for contraband! Of course, this wouldn't be necessary if retail drug prices were reasonable. Dr. Julius Hibbert, do you agree?

At last those planes are flying where they belong. That's right. Over the homes of poor people.

Is he that jerk that revealed the magicians' secrets?

And we pass the "slavings" on to you! (CHUCKLING) We've got all your favorite characters, Itchy, Scratchy, Poochie, Austin Powers Itchy, Itchy Poochie, Scratchbob Itchpants, Confederate Itchy and Osama Bin Scratchy.

I'm sorry, Lisa, but giving everyone an equal part... when they're clearly not equal is called what again, class? Communism! That's right. And I didn't tap all those Morse code messages to the Allies... till my shoes filled with blood... just to roll out the welcome mat for the Reds. All right.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Get out of sight, Marge. I don't want this to look like a two-bit operation. Mr. Simpson? You don't look so rich. Don't let the haircut fool you. I'm exceedingly wealthy. Get a load of the bowl job, Marge. Your Internet ad was brought to my attention,

Oh, yeah. They're just what my laptop needed.

Hello, this is Bob "What the hell am I doing in Springfield" Hope. Hey, how about that Mayor Quimby? He's some golfer! His golf ball spends more time underwater than Greg Louganis.

D'oh! Mmm, chocolate. D'oh! Marge, we need some more vanilla, chocolate and strawberry ice cream. I'll get some at the store tomorrow, Homer. Mmm, chocolate.

"The erotic Adventures of Hercules." With Norman Fell as Zeus. Whoo-hoo! Duff beer For me Duff beer For you I'll have A duff you have one too duff beer FoR me duff beer For you

Why don't we all take a five-minute break? It'll clear our heads. Good idea, Marge. My mind is going a mile a minute.

january 1st. Better get goin' on those taxes, Neddie.

I am "Burger With Fries."

Tee one up for me, cat-ty. Sure thing, mous-y. Nice follow-through. Now that's what I call a moon shot.

Didn't Itchy junior look happy playing with his father? And didn't Scratchy junior look happy playing with his dad until they got run over by the thresher? Wasn't that a beautiful cartoon? For the love of God, cut to the commercial!

And I made reservations at the Chez Paree.

Surplus drums of mayonnaise from Operation Desert Storm. Brad Goodman is coming to town!

Why don't you invite him over to dinner-- Turn him from an enemy into a friend? Then, when he's not expecting it-- Bam! The old fork in the eye. Do you think it might work without the fork in the eye? There's always a first time.

Ay. Que dÍa miserable a trabajo.

Ah! Mmm. Alcohol and night swimming. It's a winning combination.

Look, I don't need this. I inhaled my favorite whistle this morning.

English - US - SDH

It is time. Give Simpson... the key. Mr. Simpson ! Don't sit on that filthy thing one second longer. They've given you... the key. The key !

Ooh! Please, Marge. How often can I see a movie of this caliber on late-night TV?

Gotta get a juicer. Gotta drink juice. Lose weight. Won't get chest pains from answering the phone anymore. Please don't tell the supervisor I have the flu. I've been working with a shattered pelvis for three weeks.

Oh, I'll stay away from your son, all right. Stay away... forever. Oh, no! Wait a minute. That's no good.

Lisa! Do you have to practice that stupid song now? Sorry, Daddy.

But I have to have a gun. It's in the Constitution. Dad, the Second Amendment is just a remnant from revolutionary days. It has no meaning today. You couldn't be more wrong, Lisa. If I didn't have this gun, the king of England... could just walk in here anytime he wants and start shoving you around. Do you want that? Huh?

Dream on, drunkie. Oh, that's it! You're goin' down!

We hate her, Homer. I know. I know. Fight the power.

I believe I'll get up. Scrub harder. Got to get that layer of dead skin off. I think... the fangs today.

What-- Stupid lawn chair! Come on! Unfold, you-- Ow! D'oh! Hey!

It's really cheap if we change planes in Phoenix, Honolulu, Sun City and East Saint Louis, spend a night in a haunted house and leave right now. Then it's settled. The Simpsons are going to Brazil! And I'll have been on every continent. Except Antarctica. The Simpsons are goin' to Antarctica... next year. This year, Brazil.

I always just figured my wife was my soul mate. But if it's not Marge, then who is it? Where do I begin looking?

Sure we do. Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. Ice-cream man! Ice-cream man!

w' Ooh, you make me iive,» w' Whatever this world can give to me,» w' ts you, youve aii i seed w' Ooh, you make me iive now, honey,» w' Ooh, you make me iive,»,»

effective as of the end of this sentence. This sentence I'm speaking... right now. Period. I wrongfully usurped Sergeant Skinner's position,

Lost your spine, huh? You just keep finding new ways to disappoint me. (STAYIN' ALIVE INSTRUMENTAL PLAYING)

When I was nominated for best supporting performer... in a children's program at the Daytime Emmy Awards...

Hey, hey! Krusty the Clown is dating your mom! (GUFFAWING) (BOTH SCREAM) When Jenda hears about my great new career, she'll definitely take me back.

Cooder, Spud, get off that hog. You're coming to stay at our house. Why did you shudder just now, Mom? I don't know.

Christmas is coming early this year.

Silence! Here they are, the Party Posse!

Fellow Springfielders. I have called you all here so we can enter... The Duff Book of World Records. We're going to build the world's tallest human pyramid. Finally this town will have a real claim to fame. Aye. We can stop all the lies.

Dude, you're huge! Yeah! Let's party, baby! Hey-hey-hey!

Well, I'd like to thank you both for cooperating with-- Did you do it? Chief Wiggum, Homer and I are innocent. I'm sorry, Marge. I-- I can't believe I tried to trick you with such an under-- Did you do it? No! Now if you'll excuse us, we'll just be-- Does that ever work? No. No, never does.

Oh! My poor little guys. That Bart is so rude.

Spell "AC/DC." A-C-D-C. Uh-uh. You forgot the lightning bolt. - "Relapse." - R-E-L-A-P-S-E. That's what beer has done to me. Sock it to me. Sock it to me. Sock it to me. L-l-S-A! L-l-S-A! Thank you!

Here-- Hmm. Somebody's traveling light. Nah. Maybe you're getting stronger. Well, I have been eating more.

So do you think you might see your way clear to moving back in with your ma and me? Sorry. No can do. I'm taking off for six months to join the Skewed Tour. Skewed Tour? The traveling festival of rock and roll, skateboarding and extreme sports? And nipple piercing. Dont worry. They're clip-ons.

The Simpsons D'oh! D'Oh!

Come on, Bart. While your dad gets his glasses, we'll go shop for your trip. Oh, I hate shopping. just get me a deck of cards and I'll win whatever I need from the other kids. But you need to try things on. Every brand has a different idea of "husky." I'm in tantrum position. T-minus 5, 4, 3--

Standing tall on the wings of my dream Rise and fall on the wings of my dream (HOMER SCREAMING)

Ah, there's an interesting story behind this nickel. In 1957, I remember it was. I got up in the morning and made myself a piece of toast. I set the toaster to three-- medium brown.

Wait a minute. There's something bothering me about this place. I know! This lesbian bar doesn't have a fire exit! Enjoy your deathtrap, ladies. What was her problem?

The idea that someone like that could operate under my very nose is laughable. Well, you all know what laughter sounds like. We now go live to Evergreen Terrace where I'm informed... that former Police Chief Wiggum has captured the Beer Baron.

I was in heaven. If horse racing is the sport of kings, then surely bowling is a... very good sport as well. Hey, great job, Homer. Thanks a lot, Homer. Hey, you're the best. I'm gonna make it after all

I'd like another Faberge egg, please. Sir, don't you think you've had enough? I'll tell you when I've had enough!

Why, you little-- ¡No más! iNo más!

And if it were up to me, you wouldn't die at all.

Hmm. Where the hell is that soothing music coming from? Homer, what's going on? I gave up anger forever. From now on, I'm into candles, soft music and horse tranquilizers. Hmm.

I think Smithers picked me because of my motivational skills. Everyone always says they have to work a lot harder when I'm around. You know, Dad, assisting Mr. Burns could give your career a real shot in the arm. You know, Homer, assisting Mr. Burns could give your career a real shot in the arm. - Mom, I just said that. - Sor-ry.

Maybe we should come back in the daytime. Someone's yellow belly is showing. Oh, sorry. Ah, geez. Right in the eyes. Chief Wiggum! Who's there? How do you-- How do you know my name? It's us, the Simpsons. Oh. I saw your car by the gate, and I--

My mind is made up. I'm not coming back, and that's final. Oh, Seymour. And I'm not Seymour. My name is Armin. This is Armin's apartment, Armin's liquor, Armin's copy of Swank, Armin's frozen peas.

Did you see this, Bernice? Eh-- Oh, my.

is 'cause nobody else would! Watch this, Lise. You can actually pinpoint the second when his heart rips in half. And... now.

just hold your horses, son. Hey, Simpson ! What is it, Flanders ? Do you think this looks okay ? Ho ho ho. Ho ho ho. - Oh ! - Oh, neato ! It's too bright. I oughta-- Flanders. What a big show-off.

I can be helpful in rounding up others... to toil in their underground sugar caves. Mmm. Don't worry, kids. I'm sure your father's all right.

What's up, Moe? Hey, Moe! Hey, you can't come in here dressed like that! - Get with the times, Moe. - Yeah.

Mr. Plow. That name again is Mr. Plow. Hello, I'm calling from Delinquent Accounts at Kumatsu Motors. Oh, you want the Mr. Plow who plows driveways. This is Tony Plow. You know, from Leave It to Beaver.

Seymour, you are in very, very big trouble.

Shh! I'm trying to teach the baby to gamble. Why? I got a job at Burns's casino. As you know, it's been my lifelong dream to become a blackjack dealer. Your lifelong dream was to be a contestant on The Gong Show. And you did it in 1977. Remember?

Cut me off, will you? Learn to drive, dimwit! I sentence you to kiss my ass.

A cheese grater! Man, technology's amazing. A guy could do great things with a gadget like that. Well, if you want one, they sell 'em at-- Yeah, a guy could do great things.

I know you are, but what am I?

Five! Four! Three! Two! Don't open your mouth. One!

Ha, ha! You're not dead yet, you pudgy little pisher. jack La Lanne! Don't worry. I'll save you the jack La Lanne way!

lost souls. The name on the back says Honeybunch. Yarr, I've been meaning to paint over that. Now come and meet the rest of the damned. Did I mention they're... lost souls? Well, actually you did. Yarr, yarr.

O Lord, you saved me. I guess you had some higher purpose in mind. Hey! Look out! Oh, dumb-ass. You trying to get yourself killed? Not anymore, Ron. Now I'm looking for something to dedicate my life to. Something noble, but easy. Daddy, stop talking to that bum.

Hey, look, Sean. It's that family everybody hates. Whatever. Uh, Miss Hoover. Miss Hoover. Forget it, Lisa. I'm not teaching you anything until I get my money back. Now turn your desk around and stop learning.

This is a rather lifeless outing. Don't worry. They're building to something. Oww. Hee-hee-hee. Kids, say no to drugs! Ehh, I could pull a better cartoon out of my a--

Homer, wake up! The car's filling with-- I know. Ranch dressing. A hamster ball! Just like the one that saved Ezekiel! We're free! And we've got something to eat!

And that the wandering Oakland Raiders may someday find a home. Lord, hear our prayer. Can I get an amen to that?

Simpson! See you at reveille, 0500 tomorrow! See you at the I.R.S.! See you in hell! From heaven.

What's so funny?

Son, there comes a time in every father's life when he must--

Aw, raspberries.

Huh? Give me 700 Krusty Burgers! You want fries with that? You did it, Dad! You saved us! I'm proud you're my father. Go away. Eating. Well, it sure is lucky... we stumbled upon this old, abandoned summer camp.

as cautionary example-- Nothing works. Frankly, I'll be quite relieved when we get back to England, and we won't have to deal with them. Are you saying we won't see my family again? Well, possibly your mother will come when the children are born. I can't believe I'm hearing this! - I don't want to cut my family out of my life! - Really? But, Lisa, you're better than this place.

Huh? Oh, I can't help but feel partly responsible.

Oh, the Amish are so industrious. Not like those shiftless Mennonites. Roll dem bones. Three. Craps.

You're not just impersonating a pilot so you can drink here, are ya? Yeah. That's exactly why I'm here. You flyboys. You crack me up.

Hey, what are you talkin' to her for ? She's just gonna say somethin' weird. - Not me. - You know, I used to think you were some brainiac, but I guess you're okay. Uh-huh. Hey, why don't you come over to my house after practice ? You could do my homework. Okay. Mmm.

Am I the only one here who's in horrible pain? You're the only one who won't shut up about it!

So I said, "I must get out of these wet clothes and into a dry martini." Well said. Thank you. Oh, good Lord. There's a fly in my drink. I put it there. - You did ? - I slipped it into your glass as a gag. Pure hilarity ! Pure Homer. I pronounce it to be the most whimsical jape of the season. Quite.

Congratulations, Bart Simpson. You're our new Fallout Boy! That's what I'd be saying to you if you weren't an inch too short. Next!

Mr. Burns is making me eat all these drums of toxic waste. Geez. That's rough. There must be 200, 300 gallons in here. Yeah. And even a teaspoon could cause a fatal tumor. - Hey, you wanna come bowling with us tonight? - Okay. Hello? Homer? Where are you?

Must've been a pretty slow century. The store detective! Hey, Ansel Adams, let's go! Take the photo! Oh, wait, wait! I don't want Maggie's face hidden behind that pacifier.

the problem here was water leakage. If you just buy a fifty-cent washer-- I've got a better idea. Get the hell out! Look, I've got some washers in my truck. I'll give you one. Marge, get my gun.

This should be in a museum. Look, I'll tell you what. I'll give you 20 bucks to bury this thing again. This one too.

Under the sea There'll be no accusations Just friendly crustaceans Under the sea Ah.

Your stomach will swell. Your intestines will writhe and boil. Your eyes will burst, and some horrible stuff--

Uh-oh, there's your bell. Come along, now, all of you. No dawdling, now.

Gee, Homi, it's not very nice to maul Ranger Ned. - You want some of this? - Uh-uh.

Come on! Somebody crash!

- Hey! No one-termers. - Ah! You too, huh? Hey, I know a good yogurt place. Get away from me, loser.

But I thought you-- Just keep driving, boyo. Could I turn on the radio? English - US - Line 21

One senior citizen and one chief justice of the Supreme Court. Eh, eh, eh. I'll get it, son. That'll be $650. D'oh. One Soylent Green, hold the butter. Mmm. Soylent Green.

Come on, boy. Let's go home and have some fun, huh? That cat's been struttin' around like she owns the place. Ooh, yeah Hey, everybody! How are you doing? Hey, what's up there?

and find true love.

Hi, Homer. Since they made me stop drinking, I've regained my balance and diction. Observe. i am the very model of A Modern major general I've informaTion vegeTable animal and mineral Aw, that's nothing. Watch this. There once was a man from Nantucket, who--

To shut myself off from the world and never be seen by human eyes again. Was your second wish to be entered in the Little Miss Springfield Pageant? What are you talking about? I sent in an application for you. I couldn't find a big enough photo, so I sent in... that funny drawing of you on roller skates. How could you? I won't do it!

Go to your room, Lisa!

All right, guys, pipe down. I got some more in the garage. I'll get it for you, Homer. Hmm. I wonder why he's so eager to go to the garage. The "garage"? Hey, fellas, the "garage." Well, ooh, la-di-da, Mr. Frenchman. What do you call it? A car hole.

Hello, I'm Dr. Cheeks. I'm doin' my rounds, and, uh, I'm a little behind. He'll be fine.

Kids are running wild, Kent. And I blame Mr. and Mrs. Neverspank.

Dont you remember? Your apelike incompetence drove my father insane. Frank Grimes. What’s this? "Extremely high voltage." Well, I dont need safety gloves because I'm Homer Simp-

Uh, I'm too nervous. You do it. No, you do it. No, you do it. No, you do it. No, you do it.

Bah ! Not good enough. We're going to send a message... to those bureaucrats down there in the state capital ! Is your boss governor yet ? Not yet, son. Not yet. The voters now see you as imperial and godlike.

A&M is gonna kick your ivy-covered butts. Yeah? Well, you went to a cow college. Oh, you're only calling us a cow college 'cause we were founded by a cow.

I got a job at Burns's casino. As you know, it's been my lifelong dream to become a blackjack dealer. Your lifelong dream was to be a contestant on The Gong Show. And you did it in 1977. Remember?

When the hell are we gonna get to-- Where the hell are we going?

Something wrong, Officer? Yep. Got a taillight out. - Where? - Right there. You know, one day, honest citizens are gonna stand up to you crooked cops. They are? Oh, no! Have they set a date?

Park anywhere. I'm not gonna lay any rule trip on you today. I feel like such a free spirit,

Homer, I need your help. You gotta steal this car and wreck it for me. Steal? Oh, no, you got the wrong guy. You dropped somethin'. Come on, Homer. I'm one of your dearest friends. When everybody said... you were too drunk to drive that time, who gave you your keys? Oh. You did.

Whoa! Check out Janeane "GiraffalOl"

Let's go to the IHOP. I'm driving. - Come on! - Hey! Hey! - Okay, Burger King! Whatever!

Dad, it says "Non-Toxic."

Could you tell us about all the hard work and buckling down that you put into every cartoon? Are you kidding? This is the easiest job in the world. I spend most of my time eating candy and going to R-rated movies. Wow. Cool.

That oughta show little Timmy and Tammy Scumbag who's in charge around here. Gee, Chief, all those gears and motors must've cost a fortune. Well, you gotta spend money to make money, Lou. Mm-hmm.

How do you do it, Homer? You take an ordinary bedsheet, fold it around like this-- No. I mean raising kids. I just couldn't cut it today. All I wanted was a little version of me... that I could hold in my arms. Oh, jub jub.

Did you get the job? Nah, they wanted someone good. Story of my life. Oh, Homey.

And that's what really happened. This is an outrage! I am not a clumsy Clouseau-esque waiter! I will-- Whoa! Whoo! Whoo! Ooh! Ow! Ow! Ow! At least there were no big ones. Ay.

Check out the gut. It's for a movie. I'm playing a fat secret agent. Mmm. Mmm.

It's coming from that island. Let's steer heedlessly towards it. Heedlessly it is.

I wish I was eatin' it right now. Oh, crap! I forgot! Marge, I need a small favor. For the next few days, will you pretend to be Apu's wife? What? Please! It's just for as long as his mother's living here. What?

f Man On Radio f Police are iooking for a bald man in blue pants... and a fair-haired giri in a red iampshade. Blackening our hair was a great idea, Dad. l lookjust like a Powerpuff Girl. l lookjust like Elvis.

Point of "odor." Lisa stinks.

- Uh, hello, there, uh-- - uh-- Simpson, Homer. Here you go, sir.

You have first choice of toys for free-play. Cool! I call the Flintstone phone! Yabba dabba doo! I like talkin' to you!

And Now, to present the award for outstanding writing in a cartoon series, Krusty the Clown and Brooke Shields.

Now you see? That's what I'm talking about. You're always pointing that shotgun at us. And calling us dumb asses. Which we're so not. Well, can you blame me? Every day it's the same old routine. I serve you drinks. You yak on and on and on. And I never get one stinkin' tip.

Uh, Dave Shutton, Springfield Daily Shopper. Who are you? Where you going? Oh, do your research, Shutton. Uh, Kent Brockman, Channel Six News.

Simpson, Homer Simpson He's the greatest guy in history

I'll take a dozen. (CHUCKLES) Do you have a T-shirt with Calvin peeing on Hobbes? Sorry. Ah. Well, what do you got him peeing on? (SIREN BLARES) Well, well, well. Selling T-shirts without a permit. And it looks like one of the lights in your sneakers is out.

Bart ! Stop Fighting with your sister ! She took my glue ! Uh ! It's not yours, Bart ! This is family glue ! Stop it, you two ! This is Thanksgiving ! So glue friendly, or I'll take your glue away... and then no one will have any glue to glue with !

She'll go 300 hectares on a single tank of kerosene. What country is this car from? It no longer exists, but take her for a test-drive and you'll agree--

Whoa! He's a millionaire! Wow! I wasn't a principal when I was one! Plus, in the summer, he paints houses! He's a billionaire! Wow! If I were a billionaire, why would I be living with my mother? Oh, they're just not responding to logic anymore.

we'll come up with a commercial that can save your business. You know those radio ads where two people with annoying voices yammer back and forth? I invented those. Ow!

The Hard Rock Cafe in Phoenix has better crap. I'm recycling this pin in disgust!

Lousy Democrats.

Whoopee ding dong do!

All right. This is dedicated to Bart Simpson, with a message: "I am coming to kill you slowly and painfully." Wipeout.

You a winner! Ha-ha-ha! You a winner! Ha-ha-ha! You a winner! Ha-ha-ha! Halogen lamps, kilim rugs? You can't afford this. How can you afford this?

HOMER: (MOCKING) Ooh! I'm Marge Simpson. Don't eat off the floor. Ooh! MARGE: I am so sick of that story about finding an onion ring in your French fries.

Spill it! Where's your brother? You'd better answer him, Lisa. He's a bad man.

Almost. Oh, so close. Bart! Son of a-- Oh, my God! Okay, we'll call it even if I can just have some of that big sandwich.

Lobsweat, Hoohah, jitters, Sir Wide Bottom!

What would you do if I sang out of tune would you stand up and walk out on me lend Me your ears and I'll Sing you A song I Will try not to sing out of key, yeah

Look, what should I say to make people not hate me? Son, I've learned one thing in this life.

Instead of chewing gum, chew bacon. You could brush your teeth with milk shakes. Hey, did you go to Hollywood Upstairs Medical College too? And remember, if you're not sure about something, rub it against a piece of paper. If the paper turns clear, it's your window to weight gain.

Y'ello? Dad? Who is this? It's Lisa. I just called to tell you how much I love you. And can I take the bus to the museum? Museum? Mmm, I don't like the sound of that. What did your mother say?

I've got my tickets. They're about to start, Chief. No, you got the wrong number. This is 91-- 2.

Oh! (GASPS) LISA: No! Way to go, Moon Milhouse! It's as easy as crushing an ant. You know the...

Remember. You were born in Green Bay, Wisconsin. Your parents were Herb and Judy Nahasapeemapetilon.

That's okay. The box is empty.

Grampa, I know in your day spanking was common, but Homer and I just don't believe in that kind of punishment. And that's why your no-good kids are running wild! First, Bush invades my home turf, then he takes my pals, then he makes fun of the way I talk... probably.

Oh! (STRAINING) Help! Kidnappers! They're not kidnappers. They're professionally trained child-snatchers who are taking you to a maximum-security fat camp. I'm not fat! (GRUNTING)

no, on earth-- inconsiderate enough... to let a monster like that roam free ! Doh ! Are you losing your hearing, or are you just stupid ? I am going to explain this to you one more time, and then I'm going to hang up on you. It is not my dog !

- Are we there yet? - No. Are we there yet? No.

God! Look at you losers. I can read your minds. “Ooh. Ooh. I'm afraid of success." "ts pizza's fault I'm fat." "Oh, I'll stop sucking... later." Come here. Give me your hand. ts okay. Whoa! Thank you, teacher!

We have places your family can hide in peace and security. Cape Fear, Terror Lake, New Horrorfield, Screamville. Ooh, Ice Creamville. No, Screamville.

Hey, guys. I brought my mom. Lenny Leonard? I haven't seen you since you were this high. I can jump off the high dive! Carl Carlson. I remember when you, Lenny and Stevie McGregor were like "The Three Musketeers." Yeah. Poor Stevie. They never found his head.

I'm prepared to make that sacrifice.

Now this is what I call a party. How do I tell you this, my boy ? We're in hell. Look at him squirm. You care to dance ? She wants you, Homer. Go for it, Homer !

You lost five percent of your brain. Me lose brain? Uh-oh!

No! Stop! I left my gun on the seat! Hey! Wait here, please. Aw, geez!

And may I say, a job well done, sir? Well, back to work then. Make sure to give those toilets a good scrubbing. - We want the old girls sparkling when I get back. - Aye, sir. Eh, you silk-wearing buttercup! All right! Three whole months of SpaghettiOs and daytime Tv!

Aurora borealis.

I told the witch doctor there's tightness iN my cheSt boom, boom, boom, boom I told the witch doctor he had to run A test Hi, sweetie.

Hello, Principal Skinner. A parent who waives the right to sue says what? What? Got it. Hey, you cant fool us. We're from the "Learn to Fart" state. Bart and Lisa are lost in Capital City and presumed crying. My poor babies!

Hi, Dr. Nick. Dr. Nick, this malpractice committee has received a few complaints against you. Of the 160 gravest charges, the most troubling are: performing major operations with a knife and fork from a seafood restaurant-- But I cleaned them with my napkin. misuse of the cadavers--

98.6. You're fine. Now hurry up or you'll miss your bus. Maybe you better take that temperature one more time.

I demand a recount. One for Martin, two for Martin. Would you like another recount ? No. Well, I just wanna make sure. One for Martin, two for Martin. This way, Mr. President.

That's the collection money! Oh, yeah. Smells like church. I guess it's obvious what's happened here. Bart Simpson has somehow managed to sneak his bedroom into my house. Well, come on! Use your imaginations! No, Dad. I did it.

Morris, something troubles me. My mother won't be home for another 20 minutes. No. I was thinking about Homer Simpson. That's okay. I was thinking about Sybil Danning.

We've got to get that film back, or we'll all be fired. You know what I mean? - Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Fired. - Huh? Huh? Huh?

I'd better take these batteries just to be sure. Mm-hmm. Mama took those batteries she took 'Em away mama took those batteries size double "A"

Bye-bye, everybody!

jump, Bart! Jump! jump, Bart! Jump! - You got it! - Hey, Bart! Your epidermis is showing! It is? Oh. Uh, wh-oa-oa! See, epidermis means hair.

Thank you all for coming.

Baby, baby, baby, baby- Weve gotta start using a cheaper oatmeal. Sorry, Mick! Simpson!

Because you also get-- Hey, I was watching that ! It's time for Krusty. You mean we can watch cartoons again, Mom ?

And I'm growing ashamed of my penis. (GASPS) Homer, look! I'm here at the long-dormant Springfield Volcano, which is now spewing noxious debris into the air. How male. ALL: Mmm-hmm. With me is my 8-year-old camera girl, Lisa Simpson.

You see, folks? We're all trying to please someone else. And as soon as you're not a human being, you're a human doing. Then what comes next?

Fly, my pretties. Fly!

May I offer you a drink? Sorry, Burns. No deal! Ah, don't worry, Smithers. He's playing hardball now, but it won't take him long to crack. Whoo-hoo! I gotta call Burns! I gotta call Burns! Maybe I can still get that drink.

What on earth happened down there? One of the stills-- Uh, nothing, Marge. I think it must've been that bean I had for dinner. Kaboom! Blam! Oh, excuse me again, dear.

Oh! You can stay, but I'm leaving. And of course in Canada, the whole thing's flip-flopped. Oh, my! I better get you some cider.

Uh-oh. Hey, somebody's stealing my car! What?

Do we have a deal? Sure, sure. Boys, stop! You can both marry me! Whoo-hoo! Yippee!

He really needs a girlfriend.

Hey! All right. So, the compression and expansion... of the longitudinal waves cause the erratic oscillation-- you can see it there-- of the neighboring particles. Yes? What is it? What? What is it?

Good news, everybody!

Bart, "Uncle Herb" sounds so formal. Do you think you could call me "Unky Herb" ? No problemo, Unky Herb. He's adorable. My nephew's adorable.

Will you tell the court your whereabouts at the time of the carjacking? I was alone in me Unabomber-style shack. I had nothing to do with that carjacking. Carjacking? Who said anything about a carjacking? But didn't ya just say-- I'll ask the questions here, Carjacker Willie!

Fine. More money for me.

Remember to rebel against authority, kids! Don't listen to him, children. W-We already did. Now I can't get it out of my head! Thank you, Nelson.

you'll do what I do and believe what I believe. So butter your bacon! Yes, Father. Mom, Dad, my spiritual quest is over. Hold that thought. Bacon up that sausage, boy! But, Dad, my heart hurts.

Oh! Forget it, Homer. People don't read these things. Watch. Twenty percent off at Lullabuys. just tell 'em Big Baby sent you. I know you can hear me. I'm talkin' to you. You sicken me. I guess guys like us just can't get a break.

Somebody up there likes me, Smithers. Somebody down here likes you too, Sir. shut up !

Dad, women won't like being shot in the face. Women will like what I tell 'em to like. Now here's something for everyone. In the olden times, if you were watching TV and nature called, you'd have to get up and walk to the bathroom. It was the hardest thing in the world to do. But now, with the Lazy Man Reclining Toilet Chair,

Urge to kill rising.

Hello? Hello? Stupid cordless phone. I'll try the old-fashioned model. Ah! That's better. How you doin', Gertie? And now our parody of Mad About You entitled... "Mad About Shoe."

Check out jasper johns. You squeal on me, I'll kill you.

Happy birthday. Happy birthday.

I don't see a single good deed next to your name. Well, the thing about that is, um-- Ow! Oh! Homer, settle down. I'll give you a chance to get into heaven. You have 24 hours to go back and do one good deed.

Bill Clinton? What are you doing here? I called the Republican tax cuts unwise. And I stand by it. They're unwise. I want my Washington Post! Here's your Washington Post! You like that, Clinton?

Very well. But first, some ground rules. Number one: We get bathroom breaks every half hour. Agreed. Number two: The jury will be chosen by me. Agreed. No, wait!

A little to the left. Huh? Oh, very well. You can never be my-- Eeeeeeee! Sir, try to land on Leonard's carcass!

People! People! It's time we all discussed the pool safety rules. jump, Bart! Jump! jump, Bart! Jump! - You got it! - Hey, Bart! Your epidermis is showing! It is? Oh.

Who has the Little Bunny FooFoo lunchbox? Um... That would be me. (ALL LAUGHING) It's not my fault. I can't afford a better lunchbox 'cause I'm poor. (LAUGHING) Shut up! My mom got too fat to work at Hooters! (LAUGHING) They won't even let her park cars!

Oh, the boy. Bring me the boy. Bart, if you had cleaned up your room when I asked you to, your father's trick back would still be aligned. So, you'll pick up this mess right now. Clumsy Homer. Everything's always my fault.

"Mindy, because of our uncontrollable attraction, I think we should avoid each other from now on." "Max, what I did, I did because of alcohol and anger." "I'm tired of these jokes about my giant hand. The first such incident occurred in 1956 when"-- Hi, Homer.

Well, sure, buddy. I'd be happy to help out. What can I do-diddly, do-diddly, doodily, diddly, doodily, hoppity, hippity, hoppity, hippity, gooble, gobble, gooble, gooble, gabba, gabba, hey?

Well, no offense, lady, but what you don't know could fill a warehouse.

when you developed your fear of flying. Well, wait. Some other stuff's coming back to me. Open wide. Here comes the airplane.

- But not the imported. - Homer! You've got to set limits, Marge. No beer! Get your T-shirts here! "I survived the Springfield riot!"

Can you fly me over town to look for him? We nuns cannot fly.

since the Middle Ages had no compact disks or Super Mario men, people found entertainment in abusing the village idiot. So let history come alive.

I do not-- I do not think-- No. We need a name that's witty at first, but seems less funny each time you hear it. How about the Be Sharps?

"Venting prevents explo-si-on."

Good hustle, kid! now it doesn't work So who won? The losers? No, they lost. Losers. But only by two points. They didn't resort to stealing bases like the other team, so it's kind of a moral victory. With a little middle relief, they might even make the play-offs.

Yo! i told you to stop the music, dudes. i'm serious! Oh, oh, oh! You're so not listening!

Ow! Hey, I found a bullet. Man, buffalo are easy to kill. People, if you don't stop this slaughter, you'll wipe out the buffalo.

We're going to watch a show... about the everyday problems of angels. Now back to Good Heavens.

Some folk'll never eat a skunk but then again Some folk'll Like Cletus the Slack-jawed Yokel Hey. What's goin' on on this side? Hey, Brandine. You might could wear these to your job interview.

My spidey sense is tingling. It's that good? Whoa. Did I say "spidey"? I meant "stinky." Enough said.

But, Lisa, you're better than this place. You're like a flower that grew out of a pot of dirt. That's a horrible thing to say!

Look, you can see our houses. There's an awful lot of black smoke coming from my chimney. Mr. Hutz, why are you burning all your personal papers? As of this moment, Lionel Hutz no longer exists. Say hello to Miguel Sanchez. Mmm, maybe we should call it a night.

(HONKING) I'm in no condition to drive. Wait! I shouldn't listen to myself. I'm drunk!

We gotta save him! Usurper! Usurper! Usurper!

Mr. Flanders, with all due respect, Bart didn't do anything. Do I hear the sound of butting in? It's gotta be little Lisa Simpson, Springfield's answer to a question no one asked! What do we have here? The long flabby arm of the law? The last case you got to the bottom of was a case of Mallomars!

Well, uh, Miss Bouvier, I think we found the reason why you've been throwing up in the morning. Congratulations. Doh ! Oh, hmm.

Who will win this year's million-dollar game? Who? Who? Honey. The "X" is for "Extreme." There is no XFL this year. The league folded. Who told you? Last year's M.V.P. He sweeps up toenails at the beauty parlor.

Shh! Undo! Undo!

All right. That's a good point.

Which version? We've got Star Wars Monopoly. Rasta-Mon-Opoly. Galip-Olopoly. Edna Krabappoly. Let's stick to original Monopoly.

Huh? What's the matter, Ned? I-- I think I hate Homer Simpson. Marge, I think I hate Ted Koppel. No, wait. I find him informative and witty.

But these things have a way of getting out. Ha-hal Baby Stink Breath! It was worth it.

Whoa. Wow. I never realized you felt about me that way. We should really take some time to talk and- I'd just end up hurting you.

I met a woman in Paris, France Had a big hole in her underpants Wait, wait, wait, wait. Where did you pick up that filth? We heard Sergeant Clark's company singing it, sir. Yes, well, there will be no smut in my company. You're in this man's army to learn.

Remember, if anyone asks, you're my niece from out of town. I am your niece, Uncle Joe. Good Lord, I'm an abomination!

No. I gotta pass this class for my kids. Son, let's stop the fussin' and the feudin'. I love you, Pa! I love you, Cletis!

Simpson. Detective Homer Simpson.

What you been up to? Living in fear?

Stupid mailman. Squeal on me.

Oh, my God! He's stealing all the burgers! Why, you little-- I got you! Ho-- Homer, it's-- it's all just an act.

Why isn't my mom stopping this? We've created a diversion. That's a very nice jig, Kearney. Now isn't dancing much more fun than bullying? Yeah.

your prayers have been "Flanswered". Ned Flanswered, that is. Is this a dating video? Shush! What would you say about a man who owns his own house and his own car? That's Ned Flanders! A man who's not afraid to cry.

Sir, if you just quiet down, I'd be happy to treat you to a garbage bag full of popcorn. Oh! This may surprise you, but you can't buy me off with food. I'm sick of all your stereotypes and cheap jokes.

A monster! Is this you? If it is, don't dial 911. Simply dial... 636-555-3472. Help me, SpringShield!

Thirty-five years in show business, and already no one remembers me. just like what's-his-name and whosits... and, you know, that guy, always wore a shirt-- Ed Sullivan? Yeah.

- Kiss me, Patty. I don't have cooties. - Hyah !

Observatory? This is Bart Simpson. I see something in the sky at 4-12-8 and the last number is 7. Ah, I got you, my rumpy doppleganger.

This is a thousand monkeys working at a thousand typewriters. Soon, they'll have written the greatest novel known to man. Let's see. "It was the best of times, it was the 'blurst' of times"? You stupid monkey! Oh, shut up.

$5.99? What a rip-off! Someone should shoot you.

I've killed a baby. I'm a monster. (GROWLS) I can't take anymore. Ned, there's more to the Bible than blood and gore. Oh, I guess you'd rather see a film about a liberal European wizard school or the latest sexcapade of Miss Ashley Judd. Well, I don't like this movie.

(ELECTRICAL ZAPPING)

Don't do that ! Don't do that ! Hey, don't do that ! Take that, you dumb squirrel !

your baby, Maggie Simpson, is dead! Dead tired of baby-proofers who don't provide a free estimate. Let's start in the kitchen. Now, pretend I'm a baby. Me like to explore. That's a pretty big caboose for a baby.

My pockets hurt.

But he's a loser ! He's pathetic ! He's-- A Simpson. Hmm. Maybe I should call the police. Oh, he'll sober up. Yeah. Come staggering home. Mm-hmm. Smelling of cheap perfume.

Oh, let me help you, George Washington. I still want to help you! I want to help you, George Washington? Even your dreams are square.

Hmm. It's noon. That's about when Dad gets the brew shakes. My dad's not here? I need a ride to school! Yeah, yeah. We all got problems.

Another oil well successfully capped. Let's raise our goggles in triumph. Aaah! Ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch!

I learned something. When people reach for their diaphragm, they don't want to see my picture.

Wrong. All beer trucks heading toward Springfield have been diverted. This town will be as dry as a bone. And if the rest of you beer-swilling tube jockeys out there... have a problem with this, talk to Homer Simpson.

Good hustle, kid! now it doesn't work So who won? The losers? No, they lost. Losers. But only by two points.

But eventually your bones will change shape. I've lost all feeling in the left side of my body. Yeah. Yeah. Now, unfortunately our school clocks have been running fast all semester, so today we all have to stay two extra hours to make up for the time we lost. Ha!

(SOBS) Yeah, it's you, honey. Please don't cry.

That is the darnedest thing. So did you boys have a good time? Yeah. Mr. Simpson was really funny. He told us how the world keeps screwing him over. Yeah. Well, how was the concert?

a beer... and a wad of bills! Okay... you lucky moron. Here you go, Homer, $135. I used to hate the smell of your sweaty feet. Now it's the smell of victory. Oh, shut up.

I mean, it made me feel bad.

Put the cotton in her ear. That'll stop them shakes.

Such a mighty wallop.

I'm afraid I'll have to expel your son--

Now, you've already paid me four dollars, so that's just $696 more that you owe me. Get off our property.

The justice League is moving into their new building today.

Now we can blame him for everything ! It's your fault I'm bald ! I'm sorry. It's your fault I'm old ! I'm sorry. It's your fault I can't talk ! I'm sorry ! It's your fault America has lost its way. I'm sorry. It's all your fault ! I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

That's why I ran away from home. What? She's leaving home? Wow! Paul McCartney! I read about you in history class. But where's your wife, Linda? Right here, Lisa. Whenever we're in Springfield, we like to hang out in Apu's garden in the shade. We met him in India years ago during the Maharishi days.

Gee, Dad, you're really bad at this. I am not. It's just that i... couldn't concentrate with that infernal racket. Lisa ! Lisa. Lisa, what did I tell you about playing that sax-a-ma-thing in the house ?

I'm Mr. Burns. Blah, blah, blah. Do this, do that. Blah, blah, blah. I think I'm so big. Blah, blah, blah!

Nerds! Get out of there! - Mr. Hamill. Mr. Mayor. Come on. - Who are you?

Hens love roosters geese love ganders everyone else loves Ned Flanders Not me! Everyone who counts loves Ned Flanders

Somehow I doubt that Homer is excited. Of all the men you could've married, I don't know why you picked one who's always so rude to us.

This little girl has given us a lot to mull. Hey, you mugs, thinking ain't drinking! Hey! Ow! Okay. Bring that girl to me. I'm sorry, Mr. Burns, but my paper is not for sale. Maybe a little gift will change your mind.

(SPEAKING KLINGON)

All the layers of lead paint in this house made it the perfect bomb shelter.

Hello! So, what do you think, Marge? All I need is a title. I was thinking along the lines of... No TV and No Beer Make Homer-- something something. Go Crazy? Don't mind if I do!

I wish you love and goodwill I wish you peace and joy I wish you better than your heart desires and your first kiss from A boy

Since the beginning of time, man has yearned to destroy the sun. I will do the next best thing-- block it out.

Everyone's gone! Little Bart. Little Lisa. Little Marge. And the rest!

Hocus-pocus. Mucous "pukeous." My powers of deduction tell me... you're getting a handmade sweater, possibly yellow. Mom, make him stop! Bart, put down that yellow sweater. Nobody's going near their presents until 7:00 tomorrow morning.

There's puddles of water all over the freakin' stage. Well, I don't want to lie. Six days a week the place is a hockey rink. Well, this is a rock concert not the bleedin'... splish-splash show. Ladies and gentlemen boys and girls...

Howie ! I thought I told you to stop wasting your money... in this stupid place ! Sorry, Mom. And you ! A man of your age. You should be ashamed of yourself. Excuse me. I think I hear my wife calling.

Now we play the waiting game. Ah, the waiting game sucks. Let's play Hungry Hungry Hippos.

It seems the rapacious reptiles have developed a taste for the common pigeon, also known as the feathered rat, or gutterbird. For the first time, citizens need not fear harassment... by flocks of chattering disease-bags.

Oh! Alacazi, dragonfly! Huh? This isn't my wand. It's a Twizzler.

You guys have blundered into our secret tobacky patch. Wow! Is that wacky tobacky? The wackiest.

There is no escape from the fortress of the moles! Oh, except that.

Did they have national anthems 2,000 years ago? Sure. Sure we had. Of course we was caves. But every cave had a national anthem. I'll never forget my cave's national anthem. What was that national anthem? Let 'em all go to hell except Cave 76

He's gay. He's gay. Gay. Gay. Bi. Gay. Gay for pay. Gay. Tennessee Williams? But how did he survive in the world oftheater? Homer, pul-leeze.

I'll never wash this hand again. Dad, make Bart wash his hand. Sorry, Lise. I no longer control the hand. The hand controls me!

Turn around and you're a young man (VOICE BREAKING) And you're too big to choke (SOBBING) Well, well, look who showed his face. The louse who sold out his only friend.

Ahoy-hoy! Hey, that's not me. Dad, we're not in their area code anymore. Congratulations! You're gonna rendezvous with the Who! Ohh! It's not fair! I've been a fan of the Who since the very beginning when they were the Hillbilly Bugger Boys! You should call that radio station and let 'em have it!

My eight babies are driving me crazy with their coughing and sneezing and general oozing.

Do I detect a hint of cinnamon? Oh, I'll never tell.

Karate! Ow! (CHUCKLING) (GRUNTS) Bart! That hobo skeleton is not a toy!

Go away. No children.

Oh... Well, I got to go. Come on, kids. It's time to rub Aunt Patty's feet.

Boo! Here I am. Yah! No! Stop! I left my gun on the seat! Hey! Wait here, please. Aw, geez!

Bart! Dad, hide your shame! Hey, Homie! I can see your doodle. Shut up, Flanders.

All right, men, get ready to blast off. Whoo! We're in orbit now! What's that? A call from the president? Hello? Uh, yes. Let me just say this about that. Okay, Mr. President. Bart, this is boring.

I want you to throw away these old calendars and TV Guides. Are you mad, woman? You never know when an old calendar might come in handy. Sure, it's not 1985 right now, but who knows what tomorrow will bring?

Oh, my God! You're trying to make me look like your dead wife! No, no! I-I-- I know this is, uh, a tad unseemly. But if you just let me even out the back--

Come on. Hug me. Cobras! Cobras! I thought I would hate working nights, but it's so peaceful.

Oh, I gotta run, or I'll miss the opening rank-out. You better get out of my way, please. Slow down. The sidewalk's for regular walkin', not for fancy walkin'. Get outta my way. I'm in a hurry. You simmer down, I'll let you go.

I am Brenda. I am programmed to talk in a calm and constructive manner. Destroy! Destroy!

We're gonna rock around the clock tonight

We're goin' home. I'm sick of you and your stupid tonic! If I hadn't taken that stupid tonic 38 years ago, you'd have never been born and I'd have been happy.

Oh, I'm sorry, but that's just how I feel. No, don't apologize. It's time I stopped pretending.

Oh, after General Sherman, are ya ? Wait a minute. Who's General Sherman ? - He's only the biggest catfish in these parts. - Oh, yeah ? - They say he weighs upwards of 500 pounds. - Who says that ? They do. Oh. That there's the only known picture of the General.

And it's time to snatch your mother from his neon claws! Marge! Where are you? Damn this casino! Double stars! Everybody wins! Yea!

If you are watching this tape, you are the president of the United States. Hello, sir, or ma'am. Hopefully sir. Got that right. Yes! The town of Springfield has been classified "N.W.B.," or "Nuclear Whipping Boy." In the first moments of a nuclear war, Springfield will be bombed at will... by all friendly nations to calibrate their missiles.

Guess what, Lurleen. I got you a gig on TV. Oh, Homer, you're as smart as you are handsome. Hey! Oh, you meant that as a compliment.

Homer, that crazy lady who lives in our trash pile... attacked me again. That's not the way she tells it. And the school nurse says Bart has the plague. It's like the measles. Good to get it out of the way.

I will tell you in exactly seven minutes.

Check out all the left-wing celebrities. Elmo go to wrong fundraiser.

The boy's hearing should clear up in a day. If it doesn't, call me in the Bahamas. For now, he can express himself with this complimentary pen. Cool. Oh, it's a good pen. Try it out. All right. That was a malpractice waiver, fool! (CHUCKLING) Ha-ha!

Not Mad! That's our nation's largest mental illness-themed humor magazine! Why don't we call it "Everybody Hates Raymond?" Well, we stayed up all night, but it was worth it. We can't let L.T. blow up Mad! Tina Brown was just starting to turn it around.

Bart, did you trick an Australian boy... into accepting a $900 collect call? Yes'm. Hmm. There it is. "Australia." I'll be damned. Look at this country! "U-R-Gay."

Well, McGarnigal, Billy is dead! They slit his throat from ear to ear. Hey, I'm trying to eat lunch here.

Michael, are you sure these guys are millionaires? Come on. Would a poor person have a bar in his garage? Hey, guys. Stand around me. I can't go with Lenny watching. - So, gotta pee, huh? - Aw, forget it.

but encountered much hardship. (STRAINING) Come spring, they sought help from Native Americans. Long have we awaited the coming of the white man... And Carl. Thanks. And welcome to the United States of America. Have a flag. And while you're at it, cover your nakedness and worship our Lord.

Fire! Fire! Fire! Oh, no! What do I save? Trophies, trophies. Oh-- Ooh! Attendance. Don't panic! Don't panic! Don't panic! Get in. Move it. This is not a drill.

You have a pen glued to your cowlick.

Hey, Bart. How's your arm? It's all right.

I hit it! I hit it! My cans. My precious, antique cans. Aw, look what you done to 'em. Well, it's getting late. Maybe we should call it a night.

about that air conditioner suction. Who's gonna play Radioactive Man? I will tell you in exactly seven minutes. Okay. Here we are. Alt dot nerd dot obsessive. Need know star R.M. pic.

"What happened to Butch Cassidy?' We're not joined at the hip, you know. And the most evil German of all time... Kaiser Wilhelm. Huh? Huh? He aint no cowboy! Sure I am.

Hmm. There appears to be a red dot on my trouser front. I'd better lower them. The dot also appears to be on my underpants. Well, down they go. Hey, buddy. You better get that red dot checked out. My uncle died of crotch dot.

Well, mystery solved. Wait a moment.

Bart makes it through the days relying on his unwavering belief... that Krusty the Clown will come through. Krusty is coming. Krusty is coming. Krusty's coming. But I am far more pessimistic.

Boring. I'm telling you, this cilantro really gives it a zing! Reg, there's no cilantro in it. Oh, God! - Man alive. This soup is out of control! - Oh. Hey! My-- My eyes. My beautiful eyes! Oh, that's it. I'm going home. Dom DeLuise can interview himself!

who can who can - who Can - who can

Hello? I'm cold, and there are wolves after me.

Hmm. There is an experimental therapy... that might help Ned contain his anger. It was known as the University of Minnesota Spankelogical Protocol.

I gotta clean up my act. No more joking around all the time. No more slacking off at work. And most important, no more booze.

- Now, I need to find a patsy. - Hello! You’re quite the friendly fellow... but right now I'm looking for a patsy. Hello! You bumbling fool! - I keep telling you I'm looking for a patsy! - Hello!

Oh, poor Mr. Costner. He tries so hard. Ah, thanks. You're sweet to say that. Uh, where are you? I'm back here. Hi. Will you bring me a sandwich? Please? No-No crusts.

We could find the drug boat of our dreams! I don't want a drug boat. Well, I bet there's drug dresses and drug vacuum cleaners too.

Bart didn't do anything. Do I hear the sound of butting in? It's gotta be little Lisa Simpson, Springfield's answer to a question no one asked! What do we have here? The long flabby arm of the law? The last case you got to the bottom of was a case of Mallomars! Mallomars. Oh, that's going in the act.

I'll handle it. That got it.

'Cause the cat's gonna get it. I'm sorry. I'm not as smart as you, Kirk. We didn't all go to Gudger College.

Uh, so long! Bye-bye! Ta-ta! Bye, everybody! Bye-bye! Sayonara, dudes. So long! Bye-bye! Bye-bye now. Bye! See ya! Bye! Bye-bye! Ha-ha!

We'll need some proof. Ta-da He is Mr. X! Ha! Thank you, folks. And now I'm off to expose more secret conspiracies and-- Oh, I bit my tongue! I'm proud that you won the Pulitzer-- Finally.

I'm so proud of us. When we stick together, we can do anything. Oh, I lost another wife. I'm so sorry, Grampa. Well, it hurts now, but the senility will take care of that. There she goes. You know, I have a son about your age.

You haven't seen him, have you? Caucasian male between the ages of six and 10, thinning hair. Over there. Look, Big Daddy, it's regular Daddy. The chief! Ooh, I suppose I'd best to run! Lord have mercy, I wish I weren't so fat.

Huh. Hadn't noticed. Whoo-ah! isn't it a beautiful moon tonight? Huh? Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah. I'll look up with you in one minute. The train. You hear that? That's the train! Isn't that the most beautiful sound you ever heard?

Mom, Chloe just won the Peabody Award.

every disease on this chart.

Best of all, with less than a minute to go before I leave, absolutely nothing has gone wrong. Well, it is starting to rain, but I could hardly be blamed for that, can I? Yes. Very good.

Look, I clipped your obituary.

4y f Theme Song]

Marge, I swear I didn't touch her. You know how bashful I am. I can't even say the word "titmouse"... without giggling like a schoolgirl. At any rate, I believe you, and I think you should... go outside and straighten this out. Some of their chants are very catchy and memorable.

Burt Reynolds apologized to the pope and promised to replace the windshield. Burt Reynolds-- class act. Well, now for our weekly segment, "Yesterday's News," featuring Homer Simpson. Are you as bored as I am with the antics of this warmed-over Fred Flintstone? I say it's time to put this one-trick pony out to stud.

I think you'd better drop it. But the old axiom was misleading. Taking the candy proved exceedingly difficult.

Here you go, Lenny. May the spirit of Retsyn be with you all year long. God bless God. Amen. This gift stinks. Homer, you're the most selfish man I know. Oh, come on. Mister Burns is way more selfish. That evil old bone bag smelling of death, nose like a vulture,

Hey! Why would I want Purina when I got Fancy Feast right here? That doesnt sound very convincing. Aw. It sounds like all you’re looking for is a little reassurance. Well-

Hi. Now, Homer, this is a new body fat analysis test. I start you jiggling and measure how long it takes to stop. Whoo-hoo! Look at that blubber fly!

Look what I got, Marge. A new whacking stick. Whack! Ooh. Excuse me. Whack, whack, whack! Whoa, whoa, whoa! Bart, I'd like you to read this copy of johnny Tremain. It's a book I read as a girl. A book?

Oh! I will not be a Gamecock! You will too! No! Go Gamecocks!

I have to go to "ze" lobby! I'm sorry, but we're not supposed to put butter on the Milk Duds. You're not supposed to go to the bathroom without washing your hands either.

(GIRLS GIGGLING) (LAUGHS) Spank me again with little boy's picture. (BOTH LAUGHING) What are you kids laughing at? And if you say Jimmy Fallon, I'll know you're lying.

Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Whee! Okay. We have our choice of Rectangle Land, Cube Country or Squaresville. Squaresville sounds pretty cool.

Yes! "Dear Woodrow, you're not like the other men I've met." I'm the 28th president of the United States. "I've had some bad experiences with these ads. "I'd like to learn more about you, so write soon.

Well, Simpson, seven gone. As soon as you're in your pressboard coffin, I'll be the sole survivor, and the treasure will be mine. Over my dead body it will! That's exactly the point! Oh, Simpson, can't you go five seconds without humiliating yourself?

Ha-hal Baby Stink Breath!

The only game in town! Krusty! But how? Coming at you live from the civil defense shack... in the remote Alkali Flats of the Springfield badlands. I'll be beaming out 11 watts of wackiness! Hour after hour of unscripted, unrehearsed comedy,

Activate Prawn Power!

This cookie feels heavy, as if there's some paper inside. Nice job, sir. That was my thumb. Well, there seems to be some sort of communiqué. It's your fortune, sir. Capital!

Hey, I thought you never talked. Uh, I didn't mean to. Huh. It just slipped out. Oh, God! Now Penn's gonna beat me. Folks, it's all part of the act. No, it isn't. Don't leave me alone with him! You've ruined the act! I'm gonna kill you! He'll do it. I'm not the first Teller.

the luckiest mascot... on the face of the earth. With the fickle fans already forgetting me, I was ready to take the biggest step of my life. Doh !

Hey, Soul Patch, you cut the line! Ooh! Here's my card. Whoa! This is people working? This is great. Hey, Bart. Care for a children's cappuccino?

Hmm! Bart, that is a new low. Hey, I'm not saying it's gonna be a dance around the maypole! I won't tell Mom and Dad, but only because I want the dog back. just try not to freak out the blind man. I can't promise I'll try, but I'll try to try.

That's really for race car drivers. Mom, to your left. He's letting you in. Go!

Sorry, Daddy. Hey, heard some no-goodnik stole your tree. Well, we got a 30-footer, so you can have the top of ours. Thanks, Ted.

Damn you, eBay!

Oh, I like his energy. Put him on the callback list. Clang, clang, clang went the trolley Ring, ring, ring went the bell - Zing, Zing, zing went my heart strings-- Thank you! Give the bully an extra point.

Merry Christmas, Moe. Uh, listen. I kind of banged up that jeep in the driveway. What you talkin' about, Moe? What you talkin' 'bout, everyone?

Krusty wants out! No. The world needs laughter. Are we gonna die, son? Yeah. But at least we'll take a lot of innocent people with us. Homer? Homer? Y'ello? Homer, there's a man here who thinks he can help you. Batman?

Ladies and gentlemen, may I invite you to behold... Montgomery Burns. Smithers. Ohh. Doh ! I don't care for this at all.

Sheesh. Look at these refugees. How about a smile? They've undergone terrible hardships. Well, moping won't make it better. Mom, Dad, there's something I have to do. You're not gonna like it, but I really believe it's the right thing.

So, Nelson, who did you end up bringing tonight? Sherri, or Terri? Uh, it didn't seem fair to choose. BABY 1: Ha-ha! BABY 2: Ha-ha!

Huh? Jingle bell what? Dad, it's a blackout. A blackout? Every time Santa and I get together it's a disaster. Oh, no, the power's out? We'll miss Fox Celebrity Boxing! I heard tonight they have Ed Bradley vs. Mister Ed.

Milhouse? Bart, I don't want you to see me cry.

(IMITATING MARGE) I'm Marge Simpson, and even I'm against "Families Come First." Now it's time to do some coke off the blade of a knife. That ad makes me look like a criminal! Then why did you appear in it? That wasn't me!

Ebenezer Burns? Yeah, he's over here. How ya doin' there? Freshen your pipe? Anybody need a let me down? Whoa, whoa, heads up there, buddy. Rat's gnawing off your toe. (EXHALES)

No. Then give me the drinking bird.

"Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today... to bid farewell to Blood and Guts Murphy." No! It was Bleeding Gums Murphy! Ew! Anyway, - "Bloody Gums Murphy was quite the sousaphone player." - Saxophone! He was a jazz musician! You didn't know him! Nobody knew him!

Come on. It'll be fun. That's what Debbie Sue said. Come on, you stupid car. just-- just go! No! That's L'il Bandit, and she's in pain.

But he-- But you can't-- Oh, my medication! Radical! Is that your final answer?

Why, you little... (GRUNTS) (GAGS) To have a libido...

Oh, the hell with this! A fellow came in asking for change for a dollar. I gave him three quarters by mistake. Took me the whole afternoon to find him. Todd, would you like mixed vegetables? Hell no. What did you say? I don't want any damn vegetables. All right. No Bible stories for you tonight.

We're here! We're queer! We don't want any more bears! Hey, Homer, that's a pretty catchy chant. Where'd you learn it? Oh, I heard it at the mustache parade they have every year. We don't want any more bears! Sir, there's an unruly mob to see you. Does it have an appointment?

Slow down, tubby. You're not on the moon yet.

One Pill makes you laRger Fergie! And one pill makes you small Willie, you complete me. Saints be praised! Oh, closer. I've always dreamed of this moment.

We'll get some matzo ball soup. I love the San Antonio Spurs, by the way. I think they're gonna win it all. So I guess there's nothing more to say but--

You know, Son, I believe it is. And jack Sprat? - Is that him too? - Sure. Why not? Good night. Is he the same as "jack be nimble"... and jack Frost and Little jack Horner? Say, how about a little NyQuil? All gone. Ah, I love you, Son.

What were you thinking? I mean, thank you. Come again.

K-ZMB-- All-zombie radio. The zombies have the Earthlings on the run. Soon, the human race will wither and fall, like the earth plums we have seen on the observe-a-scope.

Did it strike you as odd that in a Super Bowl show with Dolly Parton, we didn't see any football or singing?

Well, well, if it isn't Mr. Plow. Hey, Plow King, save some for me. Wow! Linda Ronstadt!

I'm having chest pains! Where's the defibrillator? Clear! This thing pays for itself.

And that's why I will continue to oppose teen alcoholism... in all its forms. Now, are there any questions? Keeping in mind that I already explained about my hair. Oh, yeah, that's right. The Simpsons.

It's called rockin' out. You wouldn't understand, Dad. You're not with it. I used to be "with it." But then they changed what "it" was. Now what I'm with isn't "it," and what's "it" seems weird and scary to me. It'll happen to you! No way, man. We're gonna keep on rockin' forever.

Now, Krusty's closest friend and sidekick, Sideshow Mel. I'll miss you, Krusty-- I and all the other Sideshows-- except Sideshow Bob. But, in the midst of our sorrow,

- There's an opening, Mom. - I don't know. I-- I hate to change lanes once I get going. That's really for race car drivers. Mom, to your left.

I'm not greedy. As long as I've got my health and my millions of dollars... and my gold house and my rocket car, - I don't need anything else. - Yes, but-- Not interested.

Ow! What the hell is wrong with you? Gee! Sorry! It's a pretty standard stunt, Homer.

Kids, your daddy and his daddy are involved in a very... sticky, nutty, chewy, chocolaty-- Put it away, boy! Situation. And your daddy has realized something very important. A father should always make his kids feel wanted.

Hee-hee-hee! I got your doughnut, Lard Lad! And what are you gonna do about it?

Hey, man. I didn't do anything wrong !

Come on. Don't be stuck-up. It's going to be great. Well, why not? This party's just getting started! Stop the celebration! That small boy is drunk!

They fight, they bite they fight aNd bite and fight fight, fight, fight bite, bite, bite the itchy and scraTchy show Shh.

Homer had a piece of food on his face for three days. It wasn't little either. It was a chicken wing. Wing! Ooh, what was that? It doesn't matter. Let's get some margaritas. I'm buying.

- What do we do? - Oh, wouldn't you like to know?

oh, yeah - Oh, no. Oh, no. Not tonight! Oh, yeah Not tonight!

Lise, check it out. Time for chili.

Bart, go to your room! Why don't you just eat him, Dad? I don't need any serving suggestions from you, you barbecue-wrecking, know-nothing, know-it-all. That's it! I can't live in a house with this prehistoric carnivore! I am out of here! That's it! Go to your room!

Marge, where's the Duff ? Oh, we're all out, Homer. Doh ! Would you like some fruit juice ? Don't toy with me, woman. I couldn't help overhearing, Simpson.

Cuff her, boys!

Well, I'm flunking math, and the other day I was a little attracted to Milhouse.

But rock stars are supposed to be about drinking and getting drunk and boozing it up. And girls that have legs and know how to use them. And why I cant drive 55l You just want mindless, generic rock?

Thirty-eight, 39, 40 quarters. This better be good. Game over. Please deposit 40 quarters. What a rip!

Well, Marge, we could do worse. How? Uh, some dog could do the operation.

What button? What the hell are you talking about?

- That does it ! - Whoa !

- Smithers, tip over this table for me. - Yes, sir. Homer. Homer. Make them stop. Uh, Mr. Burns. Mr. Burns. Shut up and wreck something. Mr. Burns, I hardly see...

This is gonna be sweet. Two hundred bottle rockets, and George Bush doing toe touches by an open window. You get one up his butt, it's a million points.

She was right to do it. Excuse me. Bart's a little upset this morning, so could everyone please be extra-nice to him? Hey, where's your diaper, baby? Thank goodness he's drawn attention away from my shirt.

I won't allow you to spend any more time away from your family. You're standing in the way of my boyhood dream... of managing a beautiful country singer! Your boyhood dream was to eat the world's biggest hoagie. You did it at the county fair last year, remember? Lurleen will be a big success, and I'll be there. Fine. See if I care!

The Muppets Go Medieval. Oh, Princess fair, whilst thou grant me thine dainty hoof in marriage? Oh, Sir Liesalot, I will! Mmm. Unhand the swine, you swain. Come, Piggy. Back to Hamelot. Not now, frog. Me and iron-Pants are just getting acquainted.

There's some dangerous crab grass growing here.

Come on. Come on! just give 'em the slop and let's get out of here. Oh, I can do it faster than that! Mmm, mmm. Mmm, mmm. Mmm, mmm. Wow! Look at that enthusiasm! This is front-page material.

You lose. Get off my property. Let's have the next child. Look, everybody. Simpson's in a contest with children. - Hey, shh! - You're making us miss the contest. Could you explain your model, young man? What's to explain? He's an idiot! Pipe down!

Halfback passes to the center. Back to the wing. Back to the center. Center holds it. Holds it. Holds it.

We drove 2,000 miles for this? We're in the championship! Way to go, team.

Perfect! Leaving her primed for the most traumatic hose soaking of her life. Enough with the hose! Well, sure is quiet in here today. Yes-- a little too quiet if you know what I mean. Hmm. I'm afraid I don't. You see, bees usually make a lot of noise.

have been either drunk or on cocaine. Uh, uh, uh, wait. Lookee here. Seems there's been a prohibition law on the books in Springfield for 200 years. It's just never been enforced. Get out of here, old clerk guy.

So tell your folks, "Buy me Bonestorm... or go to hell!" Buy me Bonestorm or go to hell!

Look at all those feminists. You thinkin' what I'm thinkin'? Yeah! Yeah! All right! All right!

I'm so glad you're safe. But-- But-- But-- But, M-M-Mom! You're embarrassing me in front of the army guys. How ironic. My crusade against television has come to an end so formulaic... it could have spewed from the PowerBook of the laziest Hollywood hack.

Have you thought about one of the other major religions? They're all pretty much the same. Damn Flanders. Looks like I'm gonna have to baptize you myself.

You know what I want to be? The girl on the oatmeal box? No. I'm going to be an astronaut. Women can't be astronauts. Why not? They distract the men so they wouldn't keep their minds on the road. There will be women astronauts.

- Cool. - Bart, stop pestering Satan!

I'd like to express my appreciation for Saturday-- jellybean baskets, personalized noisemakers-- but the little touches are what made it enduring. What's he talking about? Hey, look at that dog. Isn't that something? Wow! Brown.

Hello, Dondelinger. Simpson. Is that a plunger stuck on your head? D'oh!

Why are you driving a car? Yeah, in the '70s, westerns were out and detective shows were in. It seems like all I did was shoot hippies. They wrote me out of the show, and it became Room 222.

Uh-uh. Forget it, Marge. There is no way I'm spending my Saturdays at a museum. Unless-- Museums don't have foosball, do they? You lose, Michelangelo's David. Who's next? Me!

You're just finished, that's all. Finished? It happens all the time. That's show business for you. One day, you're the most important guy who ever lived. The next day, you're some schmo working in a box factory. I heard that! Boy, show business is kind of cruel, isn't it?

Dear God! Sorry. Fair enough. But now that we know what it can do, there's no need to- Mother! Wow. You dont even have to point it at him.

Tipsy McStagger would like to buy your drink. He's here? No. My company is willing to do what it takes to get that recipe. We're prepared to offer you $1 million. Sorry, Harv, but like I told you before it ain't for sale. Don't be stupid!

Giving your toys a Viking funeral, eh? I really don't want to talk about it. If you change your mind, I won't be far. Thanks, but... I've been told I'm a good listener. But when you're a captain, you never know when people are just flattering ya. Yarr. He's gone. Darn it!

I'll either tickle your ribs or feed them to my dogs! Now, we're ordering out. What would you like on your pizza pie? Extra cheese? What do you take me for? Lorenzo de' Medici? See you soon.

We make a good team. A groin-grabbingly good team.

- Yo! Doctor "S." Have you seen Milhouse today? - No. - Okay. Thanks. - Wait. Did you know that there's a direct correlation... between the decline of Spirograph and the rise in gang activity? - Think about it. - I will. No, you won't.

All right, Martin. For your community service, you'll be setting up a midnight basketball program for inner-city street gangs. All right, gang. Shirts and skins. Let's hustle.

Look, I don't need this. I inhaled my favorite whistle this morning.

Oh! I will not be a Gamecock! You will too! No! Go Gamecocks! Noooo!

Uh-oh. Oh, for cryin' out loud!

Your whole life you never said one nice thing to me. That's 'cause you're a screwup! You're the screwup! Why, you little-- All right! All right! That's it! We're goin' home. I'm sick of you and your stupid tonic! If I hadn't taken that stupid tonic 38 years ago,

(SINISTER TUNE PLAYING) (BANGING ON DOOR) I am Death.

Selma, Troy doesn't love you at all. He's only using you to squelch the rumors about his bizarre personal life... and further his career. You don't know what you're talking about, and I have to go now and see Troy.

Mr. Speaker, the time has come to redesign our state flag. This Confederate symbol is an embarrassment... particularly as we are a northern state.

No. And if they don't get here soon, it'll be T.S. for them. I don't feel right.

God hates us. Hey, since when is Christmas just about the presents? Aren't we forgetting the true meaning of this day? The birth of Santa. Bart's absolutely right. This is the one day that shouldn't be about material things. Hey, why don't we walk over to Grampa's and cheer up the old folks?

Uh, that's influenza, that's bronchitis... and this cute little cuddle-bug is pancreatic cancer. Here's what happens when they all try to get through the door at once.

It's just a damn popularity contest with you kids. Now look what you've done, you little freaks!

Good-bye, Shary Bobbins! Thanks for everything. So long, Superman. Do you think we'll ever see her again? I'm sure we will, honey. I'm sure we will.

It's your child versus mine! The winner will be showered with praise! The loser will be taunted and booed until my throat is sore!

Your wife has paid your bail, Mr. Simpson-san. Thank God. Couldn't take another minute in this hellhole.

Be careful, Dad. Oh, Lisa. It's just war games. It's not like a game could hurt me. Damn you, "Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Robots." Can't we all just get along? Are you sure you'll be okay? We have orders not to fire on anybody but Greenpeace.

Wow! That looks great, Mom. Some of your best work. Oh! It sounds so real. I didn't turn it on yet. Oh! I'm never eatin' chili again. Ooh, chili!

Mmm! Gummi Beer.

What is the purpose of this loan? I want to buy a pony. Isn't that cute? He's planning on joining the horsey set. That is it, isn't it? You're not planning to eat it? It's for my little girl because she doesn't love me. Shut up, Simpson. You have any collateral?

Now, a brilliant jazz musician who's inspired me to do some improv poetry. Twinkle, twinkle, groovy cat. How I wonder where you at. I really love the way you cook. just like me when I wrote this book. How to Make Love to Steve Allen,

What are you doing? Playing Hot Wheels. Ow! That had a guide pin in it. What happened to Grampa? He was supposed to babysit. Now you got her, Bart. jump Lisa's king. I'm not Bart. I'm Rod Flanders. There you go with that smart mouth! Lisa, run outside and cut me a switch.

Whoa. That isn't good.

Time to make Paul's breakfast. Hey, Paul, flapjacks! Flapjacks! Out of the frying pan!

- Thanks for coming. - I please to aim. I'm so happy. I just had to tell someone.

-pointed, --pointed. Oh! Well, I guess I don't have a choice. "Complete confidentiality"? Oh? Well, I'm sure he's as good as Dr. Hibbert. It says so right in his ad.

There's nothing like an unfurnished basement for pure comfort. Huh? Hurry up. Mom and Dad are probably worried sick.

The worst incident was during our convention in Lubbock, Texas. There were floppy shoes and rainbow wigs everywhere. It was terrible. Wait a minute. Is this a religious thing? A religious clown thing, yes. Sorry. Well, bless you any--

If you want to go right move the joy stick left. Yes. Move the... What's a joy stick? Oh, oh! Here comes a Xylon cruiser! Go into hyperspace! Wait! Where's the hyperspace? Grandpa, you're the spaceship. I thought I was this guy.

Doh ! Anybody home ? Ooh, I've got to go, Homer. My sisters are here.

CrosS my heart and hope to die here's the digits that make pi 3.14159265358979323846--

Doctor, what is Amber's condition? Oh, she'll be fine. In fact, she's already won the Little Miss Intensive Care Pageant.

The Simpsons (TIRES SCREECHING) D'oh! (SCREAMS) (BRAKES SCREECHING) What? Can't we sit on the couch without something happening?

to stamping out illiteracy in today's anything-for-a-thrill youth. Give a hoot. Read a book.

I know you're gonna turn out great, with or without your old man. Thanks, Dad. And Lisa-- I guess this is the time to tell you-- you're adopted and I don't like you. Bart!

They call me mellow yellow Quite rightly This fellow never bellows Quite rightly Mmm.

My marketing plan attracted a record number... of police and fire officials, but few stayed to bowl. I failed. Quitting my dream job was the hardest thing I've ever done.

Don't worry. Being eaten by a crocodile... is just like going to sleep... in a giant blender.

(ALL EXCLAIMING IN FEAR) I know what you're hiding, lad. Willie's been deaf since the boiler explosion of '88. But I taught myself to read lips. Morning, Willie! What did you say about me mother? For your information, her feet stink because she works in manure all day!

Oh, I am not looking forward to my funeral.

Guess what? I quit my job as a used car salesman. You work at the Nuclear Plant. Get with the program, Marge. Your husband is now an ambulance driver. Don't you need training for that? Maybe on Planet ZooZoo. Hey, I think it's cool. I can defibrillate Lisa!

Al, let's have sex! Uh, no, Peg.

No, you didn't. You only passed your course by cheating, which you always taught us was wrong. Hmm. True. And I learned that in order for you to set a good example for your son, you're gonna take that course over again without cheating. Oh, Marge! You're worse than that crusty old dean.

Oh, Abe! You've aged terribly. What do you expect? You left me to raise the boy on my own! I had to leave! But you didn't have to tell Homer I was dead! It was either that or tell him his mother was a wanted criminal!

- and he filled our hearts - with love

How about real lead in the radiation shields? Urinal cakes, maybe? Smithers, throw this at him. Smithers, where does that tube go? I'm not sure, sir. It was here when we moved in.

J Even if it was just a brief cameo JJ

You sold my little girl a shoddy Eiffel Tower. Hey, tough luck, pal. You can't fight the souvenir industry.

I am the angel of death. The time of purification is at hand. Oh, who cares. Marge, what can we do? Well, you could give them healthier snacks, theme days-- You mean like Child Labor Day? Mmm. Actually, I was thinking of Funny Hat Day.

Ah. I love these real Saturdays. They're so relaxing. Not like that fake Saturday that almost got me fired.

All right. Then you can just look at the portrait I painted of him. Homer, how did you think I'd feel when I saw that? Something like that.

Abe, isn't Homer cute?

Yeah, congratulations, Homer. The plan worked perfectly. But I'm in jail. Yeah. Yeah, that's a-- That's a kick in the pants. Moe, you gotta get me out of here. Tell the cops I didn't steal the car. Say you lent it to me. Yeah, I wish I could, Homer. But if I change my story, they're gonna throw me in here.

Hey, baby, get comfortable. Relax. It's a little hot for that cheerleader outfit, don't you think? You think your dirty socks can stop me? Well, they are making me dizzy.

Aw, look at all the cute little minors.

This is a dilly of a pickle. Oh, my God! The P.T.A. has disbanded! No! No, the P.T.A. has not disbanded.

w'w' f Theme Song] Do you like my new shirt? It says "Reggae Hairstyle Rock n’ Roll." Could I be more Japanese? You are the emperor of last year. Your comeback shames me.

Excuse me, Mr. Burns. Now that you're completely ruined, how do you feel? Excellent. I'm on my way back to the top. I've turned these cans into "can do." Well, you smell terrible. Good luck to you, sir. Wow. He went from stinking rich to just plain stinking.

The only just solution is to cut the baby in half. (PIERCING FLESH) Wait a minute. I've killed a baby. I'm a monster. (GROWLS) I can't take anymore. Ned, there's more to the Bible than blood and gore.

Homie, my woman's intuition's acting up. Something bad's going to happen if you go in there. Oh, Marge, something bad usually happens to me when I go in anywhere. D'oh! Ohh! A bat. Now, that's a new one.

Hello, police? Can you send a SWAT team... to 742 Evergreen T-- Forget it, Simpson. Those pig noises you made really hurt my feelings. Lookin' like a pig as I do. But you have so much inner beauty.

Your own billboard! Check it out! Gee, that picture makes your butt look big. I thought so too, but they said it sells. Works for the Lumber King. Lumber. We need lumber. Excuse me, Mr. Szyslak.

Well, it's time to say good night. I wish our special guest, Tim Conway, didn't have to leave so soon. I'm still here. Fox wouldn't spring for a decent hotel room. He's just kidding. We'd like to thank Fox and the good people at Budget Lodge.

Oh, no! This time I really am gonna faint. Ow! Son of a--

Behold mighty Caesar, in all his glory! D'oh!

"One special cat minus nine lives equals one sad little girl." I know how you feel, Lise. No kid wants to outlive their pet.

I can feel death's clammy hand on my shoulder. Wait, that's my hand.

Oh, look what you did. Now I have to go get my cold cream gun. Dad, women won't like being shot in the face. Women will like what I tell 'em to like. Now here's something for everyone. In the olden times, if you were watching TV and nature called,

Doughnut? What's a doughnut? It's raining again.

It's america's funniest tornadoes. Ooh!

Early to bed. Early to rise. Ya think-- Ya think you're better than me? Huh?

When you arrive at the cabin, there will be a congratulatory party...

except for that week Ray jay johnson was my cohost. "You can call me Ray, and you can call me jay." Ooh! That thing was funny for about three seconds. The important thing is, we're like a family. Krusty, I-- Shut your hole!

- Whew! - Whew! Whew! Oh! No! You got the black one.

Can you spell "scabies'"? S-C-A-B-I-E-S. Rubella, we got you a middle name. You aint supposed to hold her like that. Spell "AC/DC." A-C-D-C. Uh-uh. You forgot the lightning bolt.

you handle it. Me?

There's someone in here who wants to meet you. Well, Bart, what do you think of little Lisa? I hate you.

We should be careful... not to speak... unless it's... absolutely, positively necessary.

"Moon Pie." What a time to be alive.

You been riding my back all night. Oh, yeah? Care to step outside? Let's do it. I think I'm going to take a walk. All right! A peanut.

The bubble makes everything shimmer and glow. You can't believe what that sunset looks like to me. That's not a sunset. That's a bird on fire. "To-may-to, to-mah-to."

Eight, nine, ten ! This fight is history. Stick a fork in it. It's done. A stunning knockout by a thunderous solo punch... in the closing seconds of the 12th round. And Drederick Tatum is the new champion of the world !

She'll save the party! Honey, sit down. Have a big slice of cake! What? I'm not fat enough already? How could you say that to me? (CRYING) Lisa, wait!

Take that and that and-- Oh! I'm paralyzed. I just hope medical science can cure me.

Samantha! Dad! Noooooo! Samantha, you're my little girl and sometimes my imagination runs away with me. just tell me what happened. Milhouse and I... That's enough! I'm putting you in an all-girl school.

All right, you ragtag bunch of misfits. You hate me, and I hate you even more. But without my beloved ringers you're all I've got. So I want you to remember some inspiring things that someone else may have told you in the course of your lives and go out there and win.

Oh, why won't anyone give me an award? You won a Grammy. I mean an award that's worth winning!

They fight, they bite They bite and fight and bite Fight, fight, fight Bite, bite, bite the Itchy and Scratchy Show

They're recruiting people with subliminal messages. Otto, what are you doing? I don't know. I just got an urge to join the navy. You're being brainwashed! Yeah, probably. "Yvan eht nioj."

First it started falling over, and then it fell over.

just what I was gonna say. Look at me! I'm acting young! Hey. This ain't so bad.

The Simpsons. Ah, them stinkin' liars. Well, there goes Christmas dinner. Oh, head of the line. A family could get used to being shunned, huh? Huh? Hey, look, Sean. It's that family everybody hates.

Twenty more terms.

Maybe the desert was just this sand trap. Oh, and I bet that crazy pyramid was just the pro shop. And that talkin' coyote was really just a talkin' dog. Hi, Homer. Find your soul mate. Hey. Wait a minute! There's no such thing as a talkin' dog.

We've all heard of a laugh riot, but a prison riot? Kent Brockman high above Montgomery Burns State Penitentiary,

Simpson! Hey, Homer. That character is you all over. Come on, Homer. Act all stupid, like you do on TV. Yeah, come on, dum-dum. Do something unintelligent there.

I'm a level-five vegan. I won't eat anything that casts a shadow. Wow. Um-- I started an organic compost pile at home. Only at home? You mean you don't pocket-mulch?

Okay. This opening scene should be in fast motion. Everybody likes that 'cause it looks funny. Mr. Smith is coming to Washington. He's really honest. That could be bad news for us corrupt politicians. Big deal. If he doesn't play ball, we'll teach him a thing or two. See ya. I don't think so.

Ooh! Clancy, use the remote. Oh, yeah. Oh! Can we talk about Chief Wiggum? We had fame and fortune.

We now return... to a very late episode of The Three Stooges-- "Brittle Boneheads." There! Take it easy, Moe. He don't have health insurance.

You brave man. You took six silver bullets for me. Stay away from my wife. Looks like it's up to me.

Oh, no! Burns's birthday! What's wrong? Every time Mr. Burns has a birthday, all his employees have to help out at the party, and I always get some terrible job. Where is that dreaded piÑata? Ow! Ow! Ow! Missed me. Heh-heh! Ow!

No looking at pictures of loved ones! Mr. Burns... Bald-headed little... Kill you, you... No angry grumbling under your breath! (WHIP CRACKING) Eat faster! Faster! Swallow on your own time! (EXCLAIMING IN PAIN) Won't someone help us? Who will stand up for Carl and Lenny?

It's already wiped out the dodo, the cuckoo and the ne-ne, and it has nasty plans for the booby, the titmouse, the woodcock and the titpecker. How vile. The one thing that mystifies me is... how a Bolivian lizard made it to Springfield.

He loves A smoke enjoys A joke Why, he's worth 10 times what he earns he's Mr. Burns I'm Mr. Burns he's monty burns I'm Mr. Burns! To friends he's known As monty but to you it's Mr. Burns bur-bur-bur-bur-bur burns burns!

What's the matter, Homer? Cummerbund tight?

It was just an April Fools' joke.

Oh, hi, Mr. Burns. I'm the worst worker in the world. Time to go home to my mansion and eat my lobster. What's this? "Extremely high voltage." Well, I don't need safety gloves, because I'm Homer Simp--

- How about that one? - Mm-hmm. That technology is three months old. Only suckers buy out-of-date machines.

Come on! Keep it comin'! Over. Over. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Hi, Homer! Oh, I hate that sound.

Chef Roderigo, what are you up to? Taste for yourself, Troy. Mm-mm-mmm! That can't be good for me. It tastes too good. That's where you're wrong. This whole pot is only 14 calories.

Aw, listen, fella. I got a son of my own. Here. A novelty comb. Kings among men. You're lookin' at Adolf Hitler's personal limousine. It's roomier than Bonnie and Clyde's death car,

Thanks for keeping me company. No problem. Well, well. If it isn't little Bart. Remember your Uncle Barney? Hey, Homer, let me hold him. All right, but just be careful. Whoa! Someone smells stinky. Oh, it's me.

Fire, man's oldest foe. Insatiable, remorseless, unquenchable. Hey, it's out.

They call 'em fingers, but I never see 'em "fing." Oh, there they go.

How many eyes do you have? Go on, Maggie. You can do it. (TAPE REWINDING) PHILIPPA: Now, rotate and magnify. (GASPING) I don't remember doing that! I would never cheat! Perhaps. But subconsciously, you wanted her to succeed. Watch.

Uh, not that I'm angry, but how did you get my home number ? I see. Quite ingenious. Doctor, I think Lisa has the mumps. Well, Mrs. Simpson, much as I would like to rely on your diagnosis, I think it might be professionally derelict of me to do so. Let me check my schedule.

- Can I come? - Sure. D'oh!

Okay, hotshots, now that my daughter is on your team, I want to make a few things clear. Please, Dad. I'll be fine. I don't want anyone to give her a hard time just because she's different. No jokes, no taunting-- Look, that kid's got bosoms! Who's got a wet towel?

Barbershop is in danger of growing stale. I'm taking it to strange new places. Number eight. Number eight. Number eight. Number eight. Number eight.

I'm Homer Simpson. Ned Flanders lives over there. Oh.

Mmm, doughnuts. Oh, doughnuts!

Oh, nuts. I forgot. All I can think of now is Edison. I can't even remember where I work. Well, I remember where Edison worked. It was Menlo Park. That's where he came up with the tasimeter, the ore separator and-- Uh, James Watt invented the steam engine. That's boring. You're boring everybody. Quit boring everyone!

Oh, Homer ! I feel giddy ! Wait. What about a baby-sitter ? Oops. Not to worry. Listen, ya lousy bum. If I ever get a hold of you, I'll cut your belly open. Goodness. Must be a crossed wire.

"Local Man is Liar." That is a good headline! So let me get this straight, Mr. Duff. The Isotopes are not moving to Albuquerque?

We'll bring back dinner. What are we gonna have? Well, that depends on what the teachers say. If you've been good, pizza. If you've been bad, uh, let's see-- poison. What if one of us has been good and one of us has been bad? Poisoned pizza. Oh, no. I'm not making two stops.

- Marge! Marge, look! - Oh, my God! The doll's trying to kill me, and the toaster's been laughing at me. Eww! Dog water. Your doll is trying to kill my husband! Yes, I'll hold.

As a matter of fact, if you actually saw hell, you'd be so frightened you would die. Oh, Miss Albright ? Yes, Bart ? Wouldn't you eventually get used to it, like in a hot tub ? No. Yes, Bart ? Are there pirates in hell ? Yes. Thousands of them.

and while we speak in a well-educated manner, they tend to use lowbrow expressions like, "Oh, yeah?" and "C'mere a minute." Oh, yeah? They think they're better than us, huh? Bart, c'mere a minute! You c'mere a minute! Oh, yeah?

No, Homer wasn't a great man, nor even an adequate man, and he certainly never accomplished anything. Uh, President Lenny, you have anything to say? Nah. All right. Fair enough. Toss 'im in the hole, boys. There goes a real sack of crap.

Is that Abe Simpson? Geez, man. We haven't seen you since Woodstock.

We're shutting down production. Yeah, well, we only have $1,000 left anyway. Ah, there's a $1,000 "leaving town" tax.

Well, I know who you are. And here's something to help you never forget. I already have one of those.

Yeah. That's his stomach eating itself. It's such a beautiful day. Where are the crowds? Duffman is thrusting in the direction of the problem. Hmm. People seem to be drawn to that kook. Maybe we can exploit him.

Excellent. Sorry about the landing, boys. This fog is so thick, i can't see my own cataracts. Uh, purpose of visit?

But there are five of us. Here are two free passes. - That's better. - Man, if this is happening here,

I can't take it! You're too goody-goody. Oh, that's not you talking. That's the honey-mustard dressing. Come on, Ginger. Let's go back to Vegas. Yeah. I'm sure there's poker games we can be won in.

Ah, my plan has come to fruition. Soon I'll be queen of summertime. Oh. King. King!

Tonight, we're here to honor America's favorite... non-prehistoric cartoon family. You'll see long-lost footage, never-before-seen material from your favorite episodes, old favorites you can't see in syndication.

Perhaps I can help. My papa is foreman of the DÜsseldorf Gum Works.

Okay, you will die a terrible, terrible death. But I-- Thank you for calling Radio Psychic. Do you have a song request? "It's Raining Men!"

Darling one: Read my words and hear my heart... speak of a love, soft and undying. A love that will be with you always. Sincerely, Yada-yada-yada. That's marvelous. How did you think of that so fast? I... sent it to you on your birthday. Excuse me. I have something in my eye. Hmm.

Uh-- Let's see. Uh, the exports of Libya are numerous in amount. One thing they export is corn. Or, as the Indians call it, maize. Another famous Indian was Crazy Horse. In conclusion, Libya is a land of contrasts. Thank you.

Somehow I doubt that Homer is excited. Of all the men you could've married, I don't know why you picked one who's always so rude to us. Good one, Dad.

the ice cream social the boat show and other wholesome activities and they never ruined their fun by giving in to their throbbing biological urges.

a fear of open areas and crowds. Dave, go on. I knew I just couldn't make that long drive to work. Were you out of gas? Baby. Your husband suffers from a persecution complex extreme paranoia and bladder hostility.

with Springfield's favorite hard-luck family, the Simpsons. Folks, any words for the Christmas thief, if he's watching? Eh, yes, Kent. Uh, hello, jerk. We may never find you and we should probably all stop looking.

What the hell are you talkin' about? You're the one who double-dared us. Why, you little--- Ooh. Homer! I'm outta here. Me too. Well, now that the little ones have toddled off to bed-- I want this to end now.

Don't ever say that word again! Well, that's what she is. I looked it up. Well, I'm going to write the dictionary people and have that checked. Feels like a mistake to me. Hey, look! A really small dog just fell out of Santa's girlfriend. Oh, my God! She's having babies!

"Where's the beef?" No wonder he won Minnesota.

Not a thing. Now, for another opinion. Hi, kids ! Krusty, please. We're giving you an opportunity to participate in a serious discussion here. Oh, I'm sorry, Kent. Just, when the camera gets on me, I-- Hey-Hey ! Krusty ! Oh. Sorry.

Yes, Son. You can have an electric guitar... just like your old man. Dad, I'm asking if I can get a job. Gig, Son. When you're a musician, a job is called a gig.

I'm checkin' in checkin', checkin' in no more pills or alcohol no more pot or demerol no more stinking fun at all I'm checkin' in

Dateline, Kent Brockman. i'm here at the scene of the Christmas burglary, where a creature was stirring last night... and what he was stirring was up trouble. Is your husband or lover here, ma'am? No, my husband is... at church.

you make me feel you make me feel like A natural woman Oh, yeah! Shh!

This way, Mr. Simpson. You sure have got some education, Mr. Hutz. Yes-- Harvard, Yale, M.I.T., Oxford, the Sorbonne, the Louvre.

Why'd you say that? I don't know. I was just looking at my shoelaces. Look, the point is, you're gonna make it, Lise, and I'm gonna stick by you. Don't do that. Why should we both be outcasts? Then I'll just stick by you in secret. Like a sock maker working on a top secret sock-- Will you stop looking at your feet?

The code of the schoolyard, Marge. The rules that teach a boy to be a man. Let's see. Don't tattle. Always make fun of those different from you. Never say anything... unless you're sure everyone feels exactly the same way you do.

You don't have the intelligence to rig an election by yourself, do you? You were just Barlow's lackey! You were Ronnie to his Nancy! Sonny to his Cher! Ringo to his rest of the Beatles! Enough! Lies, lies, lies!

What is it, a hippopotamus? I mean you, you dummy. Oh. Apu, you can take this job and restaff it. Giddy-up, Dad!

Objection. Mmm, I'll allow it.

No. The look of love Is in your eyes Hi. You're Homer's sister-in-law, right ? I remember you, but I don't remember you being so beautiful. Oh ! Hey !

'cause I'm ugly and bald. Oh, Homer. Your job has always put food on our table. And the kids'll get over it. And-- And what about loving me ? Oh, Homer, I-- - Come here. - What ? Come here ! Ohh !

Hey, boys and girls. Only four days till my anniversary show. Twenty-nine years. And when I came on, they said I wouldn't last a week. And you know where those reviewers are? All dead. How you doin' down there, fellas? Huh? Huh? Anyway, here's a clip.

All right, Son. We're about to embark on our most difficult mission. Let's bow our heads in prayer. Dear Lord, I know you're busy, seeing as how you can watch women changing clothes and all that. But if you help us steal this grease tonight, I promise we'll donate half the profits to charity.

Ah, Pop, don't get me wrong. It's great to be here.

Simpson! See you at reveille, 0500 tomorrow! See you at the I.R.S.! See you in hell! From heaven.

Bart! I need my glasses. Oh. Nice doggy.

A weema-way A weema-way A weema-way A weema-way, A weem-- Don't do that. Hmm? Let's see, a sweater,

They seem to be building some sort of a shantytown.

Hmm. One dollar for eternal happiness. Mmm, I'd be happier with the dollar. Now we just sit by the mailbox... and watch the money roll in. But you're going to annoy thousands of people... just to make a few measly dollars. It's nothing but panhandling.

Is it okay if they say "Happy Birthday" on the side ? Well, I'd rather they say "Death From Above," but I guess we're stuck.

Glory to the new born King Peace on earth and mercy mild God and sinners reconciled ASTROLABE: Today is the birthday of our Lord, Jesus Christ, and singer Barbara Mandrell. Merry Christmas.

Glug, glug, glug, glug... Wow. What about groundskeeper Willy? Ugh! I won't even tell you what that guy's into. Bart, you are the closest thing to a man my life and that's so depressing I think I'm to cry.

This year's tree is just perfect. That old aluminium one was so fake. I couldn't agree more. From now on, it's plastic all the way. Bart, did you hear that? Could it be?

Nice day's work, kid. This is for you. You're paying me in hair? Are you insane?

Son, that tree house is gonna be bigger and better than ever! It really restores your faith in helpful weirdos.

Sorry. This is for wastin' teacher's valuable time! Lay off, guys! He's with me. It's a lucky coincidence you happen to be your sister's brother.

D'oh! Stupid roller skate. Well, Dad, here's my report card.

Hmm. Hospital, please. Homer, please remember to wipe your sweat off that machine. I got a terrible rash yesterday. You know Rainier Wolfcastle?

Oh, my God! The P.T.A. has disbanded! No! No, the P.T.A. has not disbanded. We do have an emergency plan in case of a prolonged strike right here. Let's see.

Reverse-vampires!

Maggie, look whets in your ear. A penny. Okay, we wont tell no one about that. Now let's see. What else can we do? We cant tickle Elmo no more. Coochie, coochie coo! - No means no for Eimoi - Ow!

No, this is true. The Coast Guard arrested Boy George... for scraping the barnacles off his dinghy. Hi-yo! Hi-yo!

You would know. Bart, you don't have to go anywhere today. I've got a surprise for you. What? I scheduled a playdate.

Hey, Bart. Check out my new earring. Pretty cool, huh? Milhouse, my mom wears earrings. Do you think she's cool? No! I think she's hot! Sorry. It just slipped out.

Ladies and gentlemen, Krusty the Clown is dead.

followed by extended periods of gettin' it on.

Get out of my house ! I don't wanna associate with criminals ! Maybe I'll go see your neighbor. He's not home ! Even better. Are you sure you want to do this, Homer ? It doesn't look friendly. Marge, we can't be too careful. There are thieves everywhere.

A perfect day to unveil Operation S.L.A.A.A.M. So Long Athletics, Art, and Music. Care for a t-shirt? T-shirt? Why don't you just give me a sandwich board that says "male prostitute"? (EMBARRASSED LAUGH) Forgive me, sir.

"Do not touch Willie." Good advice.

The Gladiators from my power plant will crush your team like nine flabby grapes.

Mmmmm... ohh... ahh... Marge, it's times like this I'm glad I flunked out of that Mexican med school.

Honey, I'm so glad you're home. Can't talk. See Flanders. Later sex. Bless the grocer for this wonderful meat,

You may purchase this charming Hamburglar Adventure. A child has already solved the jumble using crayons. The answer is "fries." Uh, Milhouse, what's going on? You said you just needed to use the bathroom. Now I find you buying comics. Oh, our transaction is completed. You may take the boy. Wait!

I gotta get the real teachers back. Bart, you'll never get Krabappel and Skinner together again. They're like two positively charged ions. Zuh? Wait. That's it. With your book smarts and my ability... to exploit people with book smarts, we can figure out a clever plan to get them back together.

Get back in the garage, old man. But there's spiders in the boxes. Stay out of my boxes!

Then came the greatest thrill of my life. Hello, Homer. I'm George Harrison. Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Where did you get that brownie? There's a big pile of 'em.

Here, guys. Why don't we play... this? Hey!

Aah! It's the Rapture! Quick! Get Bart out of the house before God comes!

There's square dancing. Oh, the birdie in the cage out, lady in the center. Now the birdie is purty and the crows hop in. Put the feather all together, hell-bent for leather. Put your honey in the saddle-- Or there's the dance that made me ever so famous-- tap. But I want to learn a dance I can use in real life, like the tango de la muerte.

water, salt and sodium benzoate used to retard spoilage. Once again, if I'm not mistaken, this can contained tomato paste. Thank you, Nelson. I look forward to seeing it again next week.

He may be a liar, a pig, an idiot, a Communist-- But he is not a porn star!

Sit down. Poland, tell us about your nation's achievements. Well, uh, I heard they sent a rocket to the sun once-- at night. And there was that submarine with the screen doors. No, no, no, no, no. Young man, you need to do some serious boning.

Wait! Are you sure that's how this sort of thing works? Shut up, brain, or I'll stab you with a Q-tip. Dad, I really want you to come on this trip with me. Bart, I'd be delighted to go on your trip with you. D'oh! Aw, come on, kid. Quit cryin'.

that something will come along and save the two Simpson children.

The old shoulder pads. Look, I want a cup. Cup. Could you spell that? C-U-P. I wanna C-U-- Oh, my God!

A storm is coming! I feel it in my bone! Mesdames et messieurs, it appears the Cloud Goddess is ripe with rain babies.

Kids can be so cruel. We can? Thanks, Mom! Ow! Cut it out, Bart!

What's the password ? Let me in, you idiot ! Yeah, right you are.

Glad that's not me.

Now, kids, I want you to go to your parents' medicine cabinet, and find all the pills labeled lithium dibromide and send them to me now! - No one likes a bipolar clown! - (CHUCKLES) (CRYING) (LAUGHING) (CRYING)

Chocolate. Can't breathe. Sweet chocolate... cutting off air.

Oh, two grapes ? Who cares ?

Help! Help! Murther! Ah! The Mutton Chop Murderer is long gone. But this ledger will lead us to him. (GROANS) This potion will give me new life. (GRUNTS)

Television, jumping box, picto-cube, just crank it up! In tonight's face-off, I will be debating Channel 6 movie ghoulie Booberella on the subject of our new boss, C. Montgomery Burns. My view, he's a great leader and a gallant American. He's got a heart as big as my boobs!

Hey, guys, I came to, uh-- Oh, you got a deadly game of cat and mouse going. I'll come back. I'm seeing double here. Four Krustys.

Homer, give him what he wants! - Oh, Barney, leave me alone. - Whoops! Uh-oh. My old man can't get a beer because his old man won't give a bear to another old man.

Take that and that and-- Oh! I'm paralyzed. I just hope medical science can cure me. Why? Why was I programmed to feel pain?

Whoo-hoo! Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo! Whaa-ha-ha-ho!

Come on, Homer. Come on, Homer. Pretend this is baseball and hit us a homer. You rolled it. You rolled it. By the way, rhyming "Homer" with "Homer"--

How could you let me turn into you? Bu-Bu-But the poncho! "Bu-Bu-But the poncho." Hit the road, square.

Mmm! I-- Ugh! I pickled the figs myself. Hey, did you guys just come from the prom? Sort of.

Huh? Jingle bell what? Dad, it's a blackout. A blackout? Every time Santa and I get together it's a disaster. Oh, no, the power's out? We'll miss Fox Celebrity Boxing! I heard tonight they have Ed Bradley vs. Mister Ed.

If you can find it in your heart to forgive me, send one dollar to Sorry Dude, 742 Evergreen Terrace, Springfield. You have the power.

You've been reading my wish book, sir. Yes, well, Smithers, I want you to arrange a party for two at my estate-- Marge, me, and do you think you could dig up Al jolson? Uh, do you remember we did that once before? Oh, that's right. He's dead. And rather pungent. The rest of that night is something I'd like to forget.

She blinds everybody with her super-high beams she's A squirrel squashin' deer smaCkin' driving machine canyonero Hyah! Canyonero Hyah! Canyonero! Hyah! Whoa, Canyonero!

Run! Get back here!

Oh, she'll break a lot of hearts, Homer. Well, what should we do now?

My feet are getting wet ! Oh, come on. We're getting back to nature. Mom, I'm scared.

D-oh! As an attack dog you'll be expected to neutralize intruders. Want to buy some cookies? If that was a Girl Scout I'd have been bothered by now.

- Catch me, Lord. Catch me. Wh-- - Ow! What have we done to make God angry? You did it. Stop jumping on me. I'm hurt. Kids, kids. Once you get hurt, move aside and let other people jump. Homer, this is terrible. Okay. Okay. I'll take care of it.

And now a word from our sponsor. I would like to take this opportunity... to express my fondness for Duff beer. I'd, uh, also like to express my fondness for that particular beer. The man never drank a Duff in his life.

Razor blade. Syringe. Oh! White chocolate! Check it out, Lisa. I'm Radioactive Man. I don't think the real Radioactive Man... wears a plastic smock with a picture of himself on it. He would on Halloween. Get in there, you stupid pillowcase!

Mom! I just saw Krusty! Yes, dear, in your mind. No, on the street. On the street in your mind. Why won't you believe me? Sweetheart, maybe you just want Krusty to be alive so badly... you think you see him everywhere. I went through the same thing when Lyndon johnson died.

That reminds me, do you mind if my nephew kicks you in the belly? Okay. Oh! Aw, the flash didn't go off! You got another one in you, josh?

But you don't have to worry about the bill. We've never welshed on a-- Look, a bear! Run!

Hey, Colonel Homer. And you must be--

Oh, come on! Do you feel-- Homer Simpson wrecks my pig, Cypress Hill steals my orchestra... and Sonic Youth's in my cooler! Get out of there, you kids! Oh, come on, Mr. Frampton. You're not gonna eat all that watermelon. Please! I'm trying to perform.

- That's Maggie again, Grampa. - Oh. Where were we? Death! How come it won't stop hurting? Oh, Lisa, it's normal to be sad when a friend dies, and Bleeding Gums was a good friend to you. But nobody is really gone as long as we remember them.

- France. - Yoink! Yoink?

Spring break! Yeah!

Hmm. So, 120 pins later, I am the better man.

Thanks, Marge. When my husband left, he took all our power tools, along with the car, my youth, my faith in mankind. Well, see ya.

"I'm so glad you enjoyed my son's blood, and your card was just great." Why, Simpson, you've made my day. You're a true gentleman.

- What do you say? - Nah. Come on! Nah. Come on! Nah. Oh, come on! Ah--

Oh! (GASPS) LISA: No! Way to go, Moon Milhouse! It's as easy as crushing an ant. You know the... (GRUNTING) Whoa!

Help me! Help me! Sucker!

Come meet all your favorite stars: Mark Hamill, Alf, and many more. Plus tag team robot wrestling. It's the mighty robots of Battlestar Galactica versus the gay robots of Star Wars.

And it's clearly to his credit That he is an Englishman He remains an E-E-E-En

It was the mid-'70s, and I was fresh out of seminary. The '60s were long over, and people were once again ready... to feel bad about themselveS. Jesus is just all right with me I came to Springfield ready to roll up my sleeves and help my fellow man.

Yeah, well, he's... wearing that hat like an idiot. You know, Homer, it's very easy to criticize. Fun too.

Now it's time to do some coke off the blade of a knife. That ad makes me look like a criminal! Then why did you appear in it? That wasn't me! Maybe she was you and you're not! How many kids do we have? Three. Wrong, lady! Oh, wait. The baby. MARGE: I try my best.

No! - I said gimme! - I said no! - Gimme it. Gimme, gimme, gimme! - No! No, no, no!

Joan, give me your dessert. Yes, sir. Oh. That's going straight to my five thighs. All right, garçons. Trois, deux, un. Huh?

Here you go, Mrs. Krabappel. I think you'll be pleasantly surprised.

Geez! You're pretty uppity for someone who eats bugs all day.

I know, we'll use reverse psychology. Maggie, don't press the red button. Damn it! (ALL SHOUTING)

We sell forbidden objects from places men fear to tread. We also sell frozen yogurt, which I call frogurt. Well, I need something for my son's birthday. Uh, perhaps this will please the gentleman.

My God! A pigeon! That's the last bird on my list. So long, suckers.

I feel like luge silver medalist Barbara Niedernhuber. Wow! Mister Flanders is really into the Beatles.

Hey, what are these axes for? - I don't know. Chopping stuff. - Gotcha. Uh, that's some nice chopping. Truly, this was an act of God.

Piece of cake. just need a little truck-driving music. If you wanna be my lover you got to get with my friends Making love's forever friendship never ends Yeah. The open road. If you wanna be my lover

Boy, I sure could go for 100 tacos right about now. No. Yes, this should provide adequate sustenance for the Doctor Who marathon.

This world was never meant for one as beautiful as you. Kill it! Kill it! Grampa, please. He's in a coma. Coma? Pfftt. Why, I go in and out of comas all the-- French toast, please.

Hey, you, let's fight. Them's fightin' words.

Ow! Ow! Ow! What the hell is wrong with you? Gee! Sorry! It's a pretty standard stunt, Homer.

Sorry! My fault.

Achtung, babies! Curfew is in effect!

There can be only one truly great music festival a lifetime, and it's the Us Festival. The what festival? The Us Festival! Yeesh! It was sponsored by that guy from Apple Computers. What computers?

Two, ha-ya-yah. Stupid switch! I wish I had my reaching broom. One, ha-ya-yah. Wait a minute. There's probably a--

Whoa! Well, you are a wimp! Wimp, am I? Agent johnson, Agent Heintz, you men stand down. All right, mister, you want trouble, you're gonna get trouble.

Excellent. I'm on my way back to the top. I've turned these cans into "can do." Well, you smell terrible. Good luck to you, sir. Wow. He went from stinking rich to just plain stinking. Good one, Mom. Oh, you're so bad, honey.

Stop it. You're killing me! Ah! Seattle! Se-- Se--

Bye-bye! Ta-ta!

Oh, Marge doesnt think I'm sexy. What am I supposed to do? Hmm. Suicide, eh?

Wow! You can do anything out here. That's right. See that ship over there? They're rebroadcasting major league baseball with implied oral consent, not express written consent, or so the legend goes.

Bart, don't you ever do that again. Understand? Beep. Guess what, Homie? There's going to be... twice as much love in this house as there is now. We're gonna start doin' it in the morning? No! Oh. We're going to have another baby. Marge, that's--

President Clin-ton. Excellent.

Yeah. Uh, walls are a necessity in today's society.

That dummy worked like a charm, Dad. Best 600 bucks I ever spent. Come on, boy. We've earned this Saturday. Now let's make the most of it! Sixty-one. Sixty-two. Sixty-three.

Washin' my "fat guy" hat, honey. We now return to Search for the Sun. Accordin' to Daddy's will, I inherit the entire plantation. I'll see to it you don't get apricot one.

Why, there are no children here at the 4-H Club either. Am I so out of touch? No. It's the children who are wrong.

Uh, well, uh-- I'll field this one. Let me ask you a question. Why would a man whose shirt says "genius at work"... spend all of his time watching a children's cartoon show? I withdraw my question.

Oh, man! You kissed a girl! That is so gay!

Look. It's Mister Cashew, the Koobler Dwarves, Snip, Krinkle, and Poof. Twinkle the Kidd, I love you. Whoa, easy there, partner.

You can't protect them every second. Sooner or later you'll let your guard down, and then, flush, it's toilet time for Tiny Town.

If you gain 61 pounds, they'll let you work at home? Yuh-huh. That's the deal. No more exercise program. No more traffic. No more blood drives or charity walks. Dad, I know we don't do a lot together, but helping you gain 61 pounds is something I want to be a part of. Dad!

- Principal Skinner? - Up yours, children.

Uh, I was just thinking that any one of us could be next. So, what do you say we make a break for it?

Ah, forget it. Mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm. I really did it once. Yes, yes. I just wish you had the power to leave my store. Mmm, mmm, mmm. You almost had it there.

Win a genuine Ronex watch just like a real movie star. Hey, there's a sucker.

Here, use my ball. Mm, no. No. No, thank you, Mr., um, Brunswick. Call me jacques. jacques. Marge.

Superintendent Chalmers. How are you going? Why is it when I heard the word "school" and the word "exploded," I immediately thought of the word "Skinner"? I-i-i-i-- Congratulations, gentlemen.

Maggie, I'm trying to watch TV. Put that moldy, old bear down. Moldy? Old? I'm gonna get something to eat!

Oh, Lisa, you and your stories. "Bart is a vampire." "Beer kills brain cells." Now, let's go back to that... building thingy... where our beds and TV... is.

Whoa! Whoo! Hello, sweet cheeks!

Buy me Bonestorm or go to hell! Bart! Young man, in this house we use a little word called "please."

- The Juice is still on the loose. - (SCREAMS) Mr. Mayor, just how many illegitimate children are you hiding? Kent, I'm hiding nothing. Except this puppy. ALL: Aw. Look into his eyes and tell me I'm lying. Well, I'm placated.

- Y'ello? - Hello, Homer. This is God...frey jones from the TV magazine show Rock Bottom.

That is so sad. Oh, come on, honey. You know how it turns out. After all, you wouldn't be here today if I hadn't become the responsible head of a household. Can we have a can of frosting for lunch? Okay.

Then we discovered rain makes it catch fire. Then the Fuhrer fired me. What a magical party this has been. Mr. Burns is a great man. I've got a bad feeling about all this. Come on, Marge. This place is great. Free admission, great grub, and we got to use the bathroom of the future.

Hello, this is Tom Clancy. Would I say, "If you're hunting for a good read this October, "Marge Simpson's book is a clear "and present danger to your free time"? Hell, no, I wouldn't. What do you mean I just said it? It doesn't count! Hello? Hello?

That's the last time I trust the strangest people on Earth. Even the sea won't forgive me. That's the best sand castle we've ever built, Dad!

I don't care. His mom doesn't care. Do any of you care? Nope, not me. I guess not.

junk. junk. The airplane's upside-down. Stradi-"who"-vius?

- Happy New Year! - Hi-ho, pagans.

I was bluffing. You win again, Homer. I am thrilled you've decided to let your boy continue here. If you need a hat-check girl, I've got a daughter. Homer, you're a hell of a father. Homer! What did you find out?

This air conditioning is better than any truant officer. I'm seeing students I haven't seen in years. Sugar Hmm-hmm-hmm! Hey, Mrs. K.! Oh, Arthur!

So my mom works at Hooters. But her dream is to go to Vegas and work in a real strip club. (GROANS) And where's your dad in all this? He went out for a pack of cigarettes and never came back. He said, "Smell you later." But he never smelled me again!

Hey, where you goin'? "Hello. My name is Laddie. I've been trained to gather fruit for you as a welcome gift."

beret of poodle on my noodle it shall rest try my red-robin suit it Comes one breast or two see my vest see my vest see my vest like my loafers

Uh, Krusty the Clown, everybody. Please look at my MedicAlert bracelet. Ooh.

Mmm, yes, I remember Satan's Little Helper... littering the rectory with his dirt, biting me in the apse. He unholied the holy water! That's him, all right. I'll be happy to take him off your hands. Oh, I'm afraid that's impossible, Bart. He's no longer among us. You didn't crucify him?

You tell me. Nothing yet. Surely you children are aware of your Brahman heritage? As long as you have absolutely no follow-up questions-- Yes. Yes, we are. Fully. We have to go now.

Homer, it's a deal. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to appear on a tortilla in Mexico.

Well, Seymour, I made it-- despite your directions.

Now, please welcome your hosts-- if you haven't been probed by these two, you haven't been probed-- Kang and Kodos!

Are there any real questions? Yes.

Got A new daNcE and it gOes like this and the name of the dance is the peppermint twist yeah

Howdy-- Shoot! Greetings, friend--

Bart, you want some brownie before you go to bed? Come on. Let me cut you a brownie while they're still hot. Dad, I'm kind of edgy right now. I'd appreciate you not coming in my room screaming and brandishing a butcher knife. Why? Oh, right. The Sideshow Bob thing.

Aim for the body, men. Right, Chief.

That's a negatory, good buddy!

(ALL SCREAM) What? It's not... (YELLS) My hand! What's happening?

Nothing ! Worse than nothing ! just a big scary rock !

This is Howard Co-smell. Homer Simpson is a boob. What do you think, J.J.? Dy-no-mite!

A crazy guy shot a bunch of people, and a subway ran over my hat.

Hey, according to the charter, as chief constable I'm supposed to get a pig every month... "and two comely lasses of virtue true." Keep the pig. How many broads do I get? Hey, hey, let go! You're rippin' it! - No, you are! - No, you are!

My daughter Lisa-- I.Q. 156. Hi. See? And my son Bart. He owns a factory downtown.

I can't believe it. I've done all my housework, and it's only 9:30. Well, better go upstairs and make sure the beds are still made.

(SIGHS) I really don't care anymore. All useless. The credits really have to go this long? Oh, shush yourself.

Fortunately, we have a perfectly good Fallout Boy right here. Jiminy jillickers. Jiminy jillickers. Jiminy jillickers! We're shutting down production. Yeah, well, we only have $1,000 left anyway. Ah, there's a $1,000 "leaving town" tax.

Gonna be on towards the end of the flight. Toga! Toga! Toga 2,000! Marge, they stole my idea. Welcome to Japan, folks. The local time is... tomorrow.

Dad, was that your commercial? I don't know.

Time to get up, Lisa. It's a school day. Lisa, you don't look well. I'll make it, Mom. just tape my lunch box to my hand. Oh, my. You're burning up. And your cheeks are so swollen. I think you have the mumps. I'm calling Dr. Hibbert.

Oh, that can't be good.

Well, dang blast it! Isn't anybody in this dad-gummed cemetery dead? I didn't want to cause a fuss, but now that you mention it.

Collapsed on its own? You, sh-- You have 72 hours. See ya.

Our phone bill is $400. They've charged us for a call to Brazil. Boy, did you make a prank call to Brazil? No, sir. I didn't. Choke on your lies! I'll teach you to-- Homer, they must've made a mistake. We'll just go down to the phone company and straighten it out.

Hey, everybody. Look at this. It's that boy who laughs at everyone. Let's laugh at him. Ha-ha! Wave to the people. Blow them kisses.

Huh. Yeah. Ohh. Ooh. I'll tell you one thing: Greasy joe is sorry he ever saw the likes of me. Heh-heh-heh-heh.

You're on Frame Up. Uh, what! That's right. Homer Simpson, you're the latest victim of the new reality show, Frame Up. It's the man with the braces. I'm also your host. Now let's meet a ghost.

"'Tis better to remain silent and be thought a fool... than to open your mouth and remove all doubt."

Hello, Ned. Reverend! Emergency! I-- You see, the Simpson kids-- Eedelee-- I-- B-Baptism-- Oodelee-- - Th-- Doodly-diddly! - Ned. Have you thought about one of the other major religions? They're all pretty much the same. Damn Flanders.

Aw, the Denver Broncos! I think owning the Denver Broncos is pretty good. Yeah, yeah. Well, explain to me why it isn't. You just don't understand football, Marge.

(SCREAMING) Stupid women drivers! (SCREAMING)

Ho! Good-bye student loan payments. Ha, ha!

What do you have to do to get turned around here? Hey. What's Lucky hooked up to?

Hey. Friends stick together. It's amazing how through all this adversity, we managed to stick together. If there's one thing decent folk do, it's stick together. I hate it when the waffles stick together. Sticking together is what good waffles do.

I regret nothing!

(SCREAMING) Well, it's better they hear it from me now than from their parents when they're old enough.

Or a nice pipe organ? I'm thirsty. Ooh, what smells like mustard?

Boy, you don't have to follow in my footsteps. Don't worry. I don't even like using the bathroom after you. Why, you little..! Krusty, please continue. Okay. My father tried to extinguish the comedy bug but it was no use.

Game over. Please deposit 40 quarters.

If you want to go right move the joy stick left. Yes. Move the... What's a joy stick? Oh, oh! Here comes a Xylon cruiser! Go into hyperspace! Wait! Where's the hyperspace? Grandpa, you're the spaceship. I thought I was this guy.

And look at this! A cheese grater! Man, technology's amazing. A guy could do great things with a gadget like that. Well, if you want one, they sell 'em at-- Yeah, a guy could do great things.

This is all your fault!

Oop. Is your name Bart? Mm-hmm. What the-- Does your father know you're working here? It was his idea. In that case, I'll have a whiskey sour.

Oh, that's it. You're through, Dean. Now who's the dean?

A shred of what? Sorry. I was counting the cocktail radishes. Now, where was I? Uh, two, three-- three radishes. Three big radishes.

I did it! I did it! My leg, it broke off. Whoa. Yes! Poor guy. He lost his leg.

Oh, my. Lisa, go to your room.

The doors of perception are open for business! Thanks for the tip, Homer. Everywhere, daddy, daddy Never fear! The cosmic fool is here... to blow the lid off your conformist, button-down world! Weirdos.

It's terrible-- all the traffic lights are out. Driving sure is dangerous. Yeah, tell me about it. I got some yuppie jerk-off headed right for me, yakkin' away on his cell phone. Huh! I hear that. I got some big shot barreling down on me.

Non-violence never solved anything.

You know, we could get equipment like this through a bond issue. Hmm. Here's your bond issue. Quick. Take these. Principal Skinner, you're just stealing. Welcome to Dick Cheney's America.

(PROJECTOR WHIRRING) Boys, I just talked to God. He's vacuuming heaven to get it ready for when dead people show up. And he'd like you both to render a sacrifice. I shall sacrifice my finest grains and livestock.

After basic training, you'll only have to work one weekend a month. And most of that time, you're drunk off your ass.

(SIGHS) BFD. I've had your scrambled eggs, Homer. The secret ingredient is whiskey.

Stop! Friends, what Homer did was wrong but I've been thinking. Maybe I was just as wrong to give you those gifts. (GROANS) Hey!

And bring us the finest food you got stuffed with the second finest. Excellent, sir. Lobster stuffed with tacos.

But I was just about to bang my gavel, making the sentence official. Sorry, I've already put my clown down. But I was just going to-- The clown is down. Judge Snyder, motion to declare a writ of boys will be boys. Motion granted. Case dismissed!

Hey, kid, that's for customers only. Uh, did you know there's a guy outside handing out free Stri-Dex pads? Wow! I'm in pizza-face paradise! Moron.

When are people going to learn? Democracy doesn't work!

Don't worry, Stampy. I won't let Homer sell you to that ivory dealer. You and I are gonna run away together. We'll keep to the back roads and make our way south. Then, if I know my geography, it's just 12 miles to Africa.

Stanley is thoughtless, violent and loud. Marge, every second you spend with this man, he is crushing your fragile spirit. You can't let that happen.

I thought dabbling in the black arts would be good for a chuckle. How wrong I was. I should have never read that book. Wait, Bart. Maybe the library has another book that will reverse the spell. It's our only hope. To the book depository.

Got any spare change, man? Yes! And you ain't gettin' it! Everybody wants somethin' for nothin'. I'm old! Gimme, gimme, gimme!

On a serious note, two local residents have been missing for the last 20 minutes. We take you now live to Barney's Bowlorama... and the last man who saw them, C. Montgomery Burns. I don't understand. She was my young, sexy fiancée. He was my sexually virile best friend. And they just drove off in my Bugatti Sexarosa.

Let me assure you that this is not one of those shady pyramid schemes you've been hearing about. Our model is the trapezoid that guarantees each investor an 800% return within hours of your initial-- Uh-oh! The cops!

Tonight, we've all come to honor a close friend of ours. Boring! A man who provided the Burns Corporation with 45 years of faithful service, Mr. Jack Marley. Boring! Mr. Burns, if you don't mind,

Shall we start the bidding at, say, $10,000? All right. How about a million? I'll give you two bucks for the bird if it's still alive. What's going on here? You weirdos love this stuff. Homer, I'm afraid they only love what's new and shocking.

out-of-this-world moon waffles.

Lunchtime ! Aah ! Lunchtime, Bart. It's lunchtime. I ain't gonna get out of the fourth grade alive. You've gotta tell Principal Skinner, Bart. I can't squeal. It would violate the code of the schoolyard.

Kids, today we have to talk about Krusty brand Chew Goo Gum-Like Substance. We knew it contained spider eggs, but the hantavirus-- well, that really came out of left field. So if any of you have experienced numbness or comas,

Ah! We need some excitement around here. - Chinese checkers or domestic, sir? - No, no. Something fun. Something the men will enjoy, like a safety drill. But what kind? Uh, "Meltdown Alert"? "Mad Dog Drill"? "Blimp Attack"? Ah! I think a good old-fashioned fire drill today!

Everyone, Lisa wants to read us a poem she's written. Sounds interesting. Oh, okay. "'Howl of the Unappreciated' by Lisa Simpson. I saw the best meals--"

Hey, boy, how's the microphone working? Fine. Bart! I would love to get a present like that. Here you go. Enjoy. D'oh! This is a great invention. Watch. We got a great big convoy

I don't believe it. Now my pants are chafin' me. All right, who's Jimbo Jones? - I am. - You just made your second mistake, buddy boy!

Hey, the lamp's running away. That's my dog, man. So long, lamp.

We are now developing our most powerful dance-- the Penetrada. It makes sex look like a church! I don't think my daughter should hear this. You can't protect her forever, you stupid lady.

After all, isn't there a little "Uter" in all of us? In fact, you might even say we just ate Uter, and he's in our stomachs right now!

If you are one of them, I advise you to turn off your set now. Come on. I dare ya. Chicken. Hey.

Hmm. Good. Does anyone else have a love story? Yes, I do, and just like your love stories, it's tragic and filled with hurt feelings... and scars that will never heal.

(BOTH LAUGHING) I was thinking maybe we could visit the hospital now? Perhaps a stick of gum will lighten your mood. It always has in the past. Ow! (BOTH LAUGHING) Finger pain? I thought I had gum coming!

(CHUCKLES) Okay. If I stop here, I still have some dignity. (LAUGHING) Well, at least she's not singing Streisand.

U.S.A.! U.S.A.! U.S.A.!

I'm gonna take this all the way to the prime minister. Hey! Mr. Prime Minister! Andy!

Here he is, folks, the man who saved PBS, Homer Simpson. Mom, Dad's on PBS. Hmm? They don't show police chases, do they? Um, it's an honor to give $10,000,

Quit complaining, chrome dome. If I had hair, you wouldn't be calling me that. Homer, don't be a sap all of your life. just fill out a few medical insurance forms creatively. Charge that Dimoxinil stuff to the company. But it's a thousand bucks. Burns would can my butt in no time flat. Ooh ! A thousand bucks. So what ? To Mr. Burns, that's one less ivory back scratcher.

Technocrats are learning a lesson in humility tonight, as angel supporters lay waste to Springfield's scientific institutions.

Mr. Bo-jangles We're all Bo-Jangles Who killed Bo-Jangles? Maybe it was you Thank you. Thank you. Remember, my dog up and died. Thank you.

See, I got this friend named Joey jo-jo junior Shabadoo. That's the worst name I ever heard.

You are absolutely, positively the dumbest... haunted Love Tester that I have ever met!

- Whew! - Whew! Whew! Oh! No! You got the black one.

Uh, let's see. Eighteen, 27, 35-- Dealer bust! Looks like you all win again. Yee-haw! Homer, I want you to have my lucky hat. I wore it the day Kennedy was shot, and it always brings me good luck.

But you, sir, Huh ? are a baboon ! Me ? Yes, you ! Baboon, baboon, baboon, baboon ! I don't think you realize what you're saying. Baboon ! Whoa ! Somebody was bound to say it one day. I just can't believe it was her.

I'm gonna send you to my chiropractor.

This town has laws against impersonating movie characters. Oh, behave! Uh-- Oh. Luke, I am your father. Eh, shagadelic.

This taco is full of hair. Uh-huh. There's your explanation. Shall we tell Marge?

Mr. Honey Bunny! Quiet down, Bart! Bart, just get out of here. Hey, it's a free country. You get out. That doesn't make sense. I know you are, but what am I? Get out! Get out! Okay!

Wait. Rhinos don't come from eggs.

We're knee-deep in our own droppings. It's disgusting. But since you've confessed to birdslaughter, we have no choice but to peck your face off. No! Not the face!

one so unbelievable that it must be hidden from the public at all costs.

Wait! Look at the screen! The baby continues to reminisce. Oh, Elton John! That's my name. Well, not really. Stephen Hawking! Hi, I'm Ron Howard. Billy Baldwin! I'm Alec Baldwin. Wait a minute. Xena can't fly.

(SHOES TAPPING) Okay, it's time to win the love of these hateful morons.

What happened to you, China? You used to be cool.

Clockwise. Counterclockwise. Where's your father? Kidnapped. Oh, my God! Wh-What are we supposed to do? I don't know. Wait for the call. On top of. Beneath. On top of. Beneath.

Ohh ! Come on, Dad. Let's go home. Thirteen bucks ? You can't get anything for 13 bucks. All right ! Thirteen big ones ! Springfield Downs, here I come !

Listen up. It's your basic Statue of Liberty play with one twist. You throw it to me. Knute Rockne called it "the forward pass."

we're the highlights in your hairdo the extra arms on Vishnu so don't take the-- We won't take the-- Yes, let's keep the--

Come on! And when they told us he was missing, presumed dead, my future died once again. My life lost all meaning.

I'd like 25 copies on goldenrod-- Right. - um, 25 on canary-- - Canary. - 25 on saffron-- - Mm-hmm. and 25 on paella. Okay. 100 yellow.

Wait a minute. This sounds like rock and/or roll. And walk this land I know one of you is responsible for this.

Oh, wait a minute. Actually, a woman is more like a beer. They smell good. They look good. You'd step over your own mother just to get one!

The following schools are closed today: Shelbyville, Ogdenville, Ogdenville Tech, and Springfield Elementary... My Dear Watson Detective School. Ohh! And lastly, Springfield Elementary School... Yea! is open.

Who ordered a Mount Bellyache? I ordered it for my little girl. I'm done. Oh! That cost $88! I don't feel much like eating. Look, I let you down and I apologize. I know that doesn't make it right. I hope you can forgive me.

That MacGyver's a genius. First of all, he's not a genius. He's an actor. And second: he's not much of an actor. You're lying. You're lying! No, this is lying: that was a well-plotted piece of non-claptrap... that never made me retch.

Bah! He was a rank amateur... compared to Dr. Colossus. Ow! Oh! When is my lawyer coming?

You a winner! Ha-ha-ha! You a winner! Ha-ha-ha! You a winner! Ha-ha-ha! Halogen lamps, kilim rugs? You can't afford this. How can you afford this? You've been all edgy and suspicious ever since I gave you those pep pills.

Well, I think it's a great idea. Mom, Mom! You're mixing polyethylene with polyurethane. Marge! Well, I'm sorry! And you have to cut these up first, otherwise animals get caught in them.

Mr. Secretary, can you read the minutes of our last meeting? "Girls are yucky. Seconded and carried. A fart was detected. Martin denied it and so was ruled to have supplied it." Good. Security Officer, anything on the scope?

Right, Bart? Bart? What's wrong, honey? Uh-oh! Somebody's got tired little legs.

You mean, I'm on my own? I've never been on my own. Oh, no. On own! On own!

Oh ! - Champagne ? - Please. There, my darling. Thank you. What cosmic force brought us together, Marge ? Destiny ? Yes.

Textiles, other boxes, even children's candy. Do any of these boxes have candy in 'em? No. Will they ever? No. We only make boxes to ship nails. Any other questions? When will we be able to see a finished box, sir? Oh, we don't assemble them here. That's done in Flint, Michigan. Any of your workers had their hands cut off by machinery?

Oh, dear. Phew! Boy, that-- Ow! He's waking up!

Turn the plane around. I want to go to 742 Evergreen Terrace. But you promised to help me move. Ah, geez.

You touch me and I cut you! Oh.

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. 2:00 is fine. Thank you, Dr. Hibbert. No way ! She's faking ! If Lisa stays home, I stay home. - If Bart stays home, I'm going to school. - Fine. Then-- Wait a minute. If Lisa goes to school, then I go to school. But then, Lisa stays home, so I stay home. So, Lisa goes to school.

One. Have you been up all night eating cheese? I think I'm blind. Wha-- Good day to you. Excuse me. We wanted to see the geek...

No, no. The body on this mannequin is all wrong. I know. It's such an unrealistic standard for young... Huh? Planing down the thighs Planing down the thighs I make four bucks an hour planing down the thighs

Some days we don't let the line move at all. We call those "weekdays."

I guess so. Wh-- He-- Would you like it if I laughed at your misfortune?

Mrs. Crabapple, that was uncalled for. Bravo! Well done, old man.

he crossed that line between everyday villainy and cartoonish super-villainy.

I hit it! I hit it! My cans. My precious, antique cans. Aw, look what you done to 'em. Well, it's getting late. Maybe we should call it a night. It's only midnight. Come on. I know a place. Whoa.

See you in hell, punk!

This whole raid was as useless as that yellow, lemon-shaped rock over there. Wait a minute. There's a lemon behind that rock! The tree! Oh!

Back then we didn't care what anyone thought, and the chicks found that irresistible. I think you're cool, Homer Simpson. Sandra, that was mean. But most of all, I remember the music.

Mr. Hutz, why are you burning all your personal papers? As of this moment, Lionel Hutz no longer exists. Say hello to Miguel Sanchez.

Blah. Blee. Bleh. Stupid animals.

It's about a killer-robot driving instructor... that travels back in time for some reason. I'm listening. Okay, okay. Well, you see, this robot-- He's got a heartbreaking decision to make... about whether his best friend lives or dies. Eh. His best friend's a talking pie.

On saxophone, Lisa Simpson. On triangle, Martin Prince. And with a flute up his nose, Ralph Wiggum. That's some nice flutin', boy.

Whoo-hoo! In your face, Milwaukee. Congratulations, fellow Springfielders. This town will no longer be known as "America's Sorrow."

Oh, they haven't made those since the war. Not-- Oh, not my Paris backdrop! How am I gonna make fun of the Frogs? Wait. If I could only stay on the air, I'd have 100% of the audience. Think of the ratings.

We now return to Battling Seizure Robots. I can't believe they stuck us at "Tax-a-chusetts."

the unbelievable Truckasaurus ! Twenty tons and four stories of car-crunching, fire-breathing... prehistoric insanity ! Whoa ! One night only. One night only. One night only at the Springfield Speedway this Saturday. If you miss this, you'd better be dead or in jail. And if you're in jail, break out !

Firstly, I did not tame the legendary buffalo. It was already tame. I merely shot it. Secondly, I have not always been known as jebediah Springfield. Till 1796 I was Hans Sprungfeld, murderous pirate.

"Slow dulcimer gavotte and bow in autumn." He's reading "Impossible to Tell." "Basho and his friends go out to view the moon; "In summer, gasoline rainbow in the gutter. "The secret courtesy that courses like ichor... through the old form of the rude, full-scale joke."

So our relationship is over. Is that what you're saying? Yes, I'm afraid so. Well, we had fun. Hey, Apu, I think she likes you. Uh-eww! This Squishee's awful.

There are no good wars, with the following exceptions: The American Revolution, World War II, and the Star Wars trilogy.

This is no accident. (LAUGHING) Nice party, dink. You're responsible for this, Simpson. No way! I didn't do it! Unlike all the other stuff I told you I didn't do which I did. Bart, I'm sick of playing the tomfool! You are hereby expelled from Springfield Elementary!

Milhouse jumped off a cliff? I'm there. Get back here, boy. You're a disgrace to this family, and its proud naval tradition. Well, I'm keeping this earring, and you can't stop me! Oh. I always thought Lisa would be the one to get her ears pierced. Can I? No! Time to reap the benefits of bein' cool.

Dateline, Springfield. The elusive Beer Baron... continued to thumb his nose at authorities. Swaggering about in a garish new hat, he seemed to say, "look at me, Rex Banner. I have a new hat."

I didn't know your dad was so interested in science. Science? Uh, he didn't say "science." He said "pie pants." Mmm, pie pants.

He's not moving. He's probably resting from all the moving he did before you got here. He'll start moving in a second. I'm sure of it. Turn on the sprinklers. You see there? He's fine. Ooh, look at him go.

I'd like to buy a mint condition Spider-Man number one, please. And I'd like an hour on the holodeck with Seven of Nine. Oh! Saturn's rings!

Yeah! To a suicide machine! Aha-ha-ha. Now, everyone knows Homer loves his family. I'm sick of your lies! Secrets and lies! It's always secrets and lies!

in the air conditioner account again, hmm? Oh, but, Marge, am I doomed to spend the rest of my life sweating like a pig? Yeah, not to mention lookin' like a pig, eatin' like a pig-- Don't forget the smell. Will you get off my front lawn? Why don't you make me? Why? Oh, I give up. Well, don't worry about me, Dad.

I didn't ruin Thanksgiving. She did. Bunch of jerks. I always get blamed for everything. And, Lord, we're especially thankful for nuclear power, the cleanest, safest energy source there is, except for solar, which is just a pipe dream.

Look around you, Malibu Stacy.

Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Hey.

Look, Dad, there's a spot. D'oh! There's a spot, dear. D'oh! Oh, there's a good one. That spot says "compact only." Marge, that's just a suggested car size.

Thank you for coming. I'll see you in hell.

Or so I thought. At the last moment, Smithers, drunk as a lemur, lurched out of the darkness and fired!

Homer? I got a really wicked idea that could get us into a lot of trouble. Ohh. Mindy, we have to fight our temptation. No, Homer. Let's do it. Let's call room service! Oh.

What kind of show you got for us, Mr. Burns?

You may keep your baby.

Now, I know you haven't liked some of my past suggestions, like switching to the metric system. I think the metric system is the tool of the devil! My car gets 40 rods to the hogshead, and that's the way I likes it!

Bart. You're up early. I couldn't sleep. What's wrong? There was no burglar. No burglar? What does he mean, no burglar? I accidentally burned up the tree... and the presents. I'm really sorry.

ow, ooh. ow, ooh. Ow, ooh.

- Are you stuck in a dead-end job? - Maybe. Are you squandering the precious gift of life in front of the idiot box? What's it to you? Are you on your third beer of the evening? Does whiskey count as beer? Well, maybe it's time you joined the exciting field of monorail conducting... by enrolling at the Lanley Institute.

I'm Troy McClure. You probably remember me... from such films as the Revenge of Abe Lincoln... and the Wackiest Covered Wagon in the West.

Can you believe Flanders threw out a perfectly good toothbrush? Eww.

Ah, yeah. Oh, babe My baby. My darling, I Can't get enough of your love, babe

Homer, I'm so mad at you. I'll bet you blew up the town just to get out of cleaning the garage.

That's not a question, professor. But we'll let the viewers judge for themselves.

Psst. Hey, you guys. Uh, I was just thinking that any one of us could be next. So, what do you say we make a break for it?

Here we go again. Three, two, one. Happy New Year!

And as my first act, Mr. Burns, you’re fired!

That voice could use a little personality. Oh, let's try Matthew Perry. Yeah. Could I be any more of a house? Meh. Who else we got? Hey, Cha-Cha, I got more features... than a NASA relief map of Turkmenistan. Isn't that the voice that caused all those suicides? Murder-suicides.

Let's all go to the lobby Let's all go to the lobby Let's all go to the lobby Get ourselves some snacks

(ALL STRAINING) I feel like I'm in Fitzcarraldo. That movie was flawed. (GRUNTS) (GROANS) SEYMOUR: Behold, children, the majesty of Springfield Glacier. Crane your necks skyward to behold its icy glory.

Listen to your mother, kids. Aim low. Aim so low, no one will even care if you succeed. Dinner's in the oven. You want some butter, it's under my face.

Are you going through our garbage? That's right. You fat cats didn't finish your plankton. Now it's mine.

There you are! Falcon to Eagle. Have located bag of crap. If you get me out of this, there's a hall monitor position coming open in the spring.

But, Daddy, you're on vacation.

Second floor, third dank room on the left.

Marge, it's called negotiating. Ooh, fascinating. I need to call Janey, but I can't get a dial tone. We're not paying our bill, so the phone company shut off our service. Why must you fight with every utility?

Hey, Krusty. I'm bringing back the-- You just keep right on driving.

I don't deserve to live on your planet anymore! Agh!

Uh, yeah, we think we did. Uh, do you know "Insane in the Brain"? We mostly know classical, but we could give it a shot. Now, this I like.

Yellow, 25, hut! Go long! Go long! Ah, hell. I'll do it myself. I gotta quit smoking.

Dear Lord, please make Homer's blows precise and deadly with a minimum of pain. Oh! And forgive me for those impure thoughts I had about the girl on the raisin box.

I'm sorry, Dad. You're fired! What? Fire me?

Hmm, well, yes and no. Hold it, hold it, hold it ! How can you be for one form of freedom of expression, like our big, naked friend over there, and be against another form, like itchy & Scratchy ? Good question. Well, I guess I can't. Which is a shame, because I really hate those cartoons.

Whatever! I demand respect! I have feelings! I'm a human boy, just like you! Shh. Use your indoor voice. Okay, that's it! Huh? Oh.

to kiss until they're hot and heavy, then vamoose. Trust us. We know everything about boys except what they look like below the waist.

I hope they still make that shampoo I like.

Stunning. Absolutely... stunning.

What the hell is that? A lawn mower?

Mr. Robert Pinsky. Tonight I'll be reading from a copy of my book I just checked out at Atherton Library! I study there! Say another building! That's it, Pinsky. You've got 'em right where you want 'em.

Bye-bye, "fishies."

Moe. Moe, Moe... Moe... Moe, Moe... Moe.... Moe, Moe... Hey, Homer. Hey, Homer. Hey, Homer. Hey, Homer. Hey, Homer. Hey, Homer.

- Hi, David. I'm Grampa. - D'oh!

Okay, Homer, let's get a level check on your voice. She smells sheet smells by the sheet "shtore." Wait. Wait. Let me try it again.

That's the "Lightning Magnet." That's the "Tinkler." Whoo! The "Tinkler." I like the sound of that. We'll take it! Is it true we should wait at least an hour after eating before we go in? Look, Question Lady, this job is not what I really do, okay? I play keyboards.

Well, as you can see, we don't believe fur is murder, but paying for it sure is. Uh, sorry we're late. But Luann had to put on her face. She doesn't want anyone to know she's got no eyebrows. What? You don't.

Stop laughing at me! You know, Marge? joining the reserves was the best thing I ever did. I feel good about myself, I'm helping my country, and later, I'm gonna get Gilligan's autograph. I'm so proud of you, Homie. Then I'll whomp him with my hat!

All my life, I've avoided doing things for myself. But I'm actually enjoying this. Plus I'm making incredible time. Beep-beep! Out of my way! I'm a motorist. Uh, that's some nice reckless drivin', Mr. B.

If you don't watch the violence, you'll never get desensitized to it. just tell me when the scary part's over. It's over. I think that guy's a spy. Of course he's a spy. You just saw him go through spy school.

I've never heard so many Viagra jokes in 30 seconds. Shut up-a your mouth!

Ow! My leg! This is the worst pain ever! Ow! Ohh! Uhh! Aah! Ohh! Uhh!

All right! Snow day! No school tomorrow. That doesn't mean you don't have to do your book report. What if the weatherman is wrong? Lisa, that man is a professional meteorologist. Kent, I'd like to remind everybody to come down and watch me... at the Springfield Laugh 'n Brew 'n Burgers 'n Fries this Saturday.

This contest is over. Give that man the $10,000.

Come on, Lisa. Say somethin' funny. Like what? Oh, somethin' stupid like Bart would say. Bucka bucka, or woozle wozzle. Somethin' like that.

Why did you kiss me? Are you looking to do the Bartman? Hey, I'm only sticking with you till I get these chains off.

I don't know. Can you swing a sack of doorknobs? - Can I! - You're in. Here's the sack. But you gotta supply your own knobs. So I said to him, "Look, buddy, your car was upside down when we got here. And as for your grandma, she shouldn't have mouthed off like that!"

No one knows how he got it, and danged if he knows how to use it. Mule.

Everybody Dance now

in old new york if I can make it there I'd make it anywhere come on, come through new york

With this hook and this hunk of chocolate, I'll land your boy and I'll clean him for free. Although we can't reach the boy we can freeze him with liquid nitrogen so that future generations can rescue him.

Hey! Get away from my car!

Just a minute. This isn't Mr. Burns at all. It's a mask. Wait. It is Burns. His wrinkly skin looks like a mask.

I'm so hungry I could eat at Arby's. Oh, my gosh! Oh, wow!

You got that right! Remember the time he ate my goldfish, and you lied to me and said I never had any goldfish? But why did I have the bowl, Bart? Why did I have the bowl? Yeah. He was a great dog.

But beware-- we Germans aren't all smiles und sunshine.

We take proper names and rearrange the letters... to form a description of that person. Like, uh, oh, I don't know, uh-- Alec Guinness. Genuine class. Ha, ha! Very good. All right, Lisa, uh-- jeremy Irons.

What would you say is your worst quality? I am a workaholic. I push myself too hard. It takes me a long time to learn anything. I'm kind of a goof-off-- That will do. Stuff starts disappearing-- That's enough. There's a problem with the reactor.

It was I, you fools! The man you trusted isn't Wavy Gravy at all. And all this time, I've been smoking harmless tobacco.

Oh, Lord! And it doesn't stop in the bedroom. Oh, no. I'm taking charge. Kids, there's three ways to do things-- the right way, the wrong way and the Max Power way. Isn't that the wrong way? Yeah, but faster! D'oh! We should really put that in the corner.

Duff beer For me Duff beer For you

Mom, make him stop! Bart, put down that yellow sweater. Nobody's going near their presents until 7:00 tomorrow morning. 7:00 a.m., no earlier. And you can't set your alarm clocks, 'cause I've got 'em.

No worries, madam. Lumley, shovel on more dogs, won't you? Aye, aye. More dogs! More dogs! In you go! Nah. That's not too likely.

Take out that brain and flush it down the toilet. His family might appreciate it... if you returned the brain to his body. Come on. It's 11:45! Oh, Smithers, when you look at me with those puppy-dog eyes-- All right.

The jig is up, Quimby.

Well, I was gonna say, "Call Reverend Lovejoy," but I guess this could work. HOMER: Oh, yeah, Marge? What about my womanly needs? (HOMER WAILING) (TIRES SCREECHING) (HONKING) Slowly, slowly.

Ay, ay, es Homer Simpson. Me ha molestado. ¡Oh!

You are one cold-blooded killer, dude. But-- But I wasn't-- I didn't-- Right through the neck! Doesn't get any sweeter than that, Simpson. Savor the moment.

Hey, Bart. Check out my new earring. Pretty cool, huh? Milhouse, my mom wears earrings.

Ahoy. Have you seen this man? Arr! That's Handsome Pete. He dances for nickels. Pete, ye got some customers. No, we're looking for this man-- Krusty the Clown.

No, wait. That wasn't a trick.

All l have left now are my tapes. She was stealing sponges. I knew it.

Everybody-- Everybody get naked! Come on. Don't be stuck-up. It's going to be great. Well, why not? This party's just getting started! Stop the celebration! That small boy is drunk!

Homer. Moe. What are you doin' here? I, um-- Well, I-- I never touched her. Homer, I swear, I never touched her. Here's your water, Moe. I didn't ask her for no water. She's lyin', Homer. She told me you were dead. That's the only reason I-- I didn't do nothin'! Bye, Moe.

Here I come, world! How do you think he'll do, Moe? I think he'll do just fine.

Finish him. Finish him!

The clown is down.

I'm afraid your son broke the 11th Commandment: Thou shalt not steal.

Bart Simpson, I know it's you. And here comes Snowball II. This is the one we kept. Eww ! We were gonna keep the gray one, but the mother ate her. Ewww ! Mrs. Krabappel, he's traumatizing the children. As usual, I agree with you. Bart, shut that off and take your seat immediately.

I gotta call the plant and warn 'em. The fingers you have used to dial are too fat. To obtain a special dialing wand, please mash the keypad with your palm now.

Everywhere I go I see teachers in Ferraris-- research scientists drinking champagne. I tried to drink a Coke on the bus, and they took away my pass. That's no life for a famous clown. Well, if it'll make you feel any better, Krusty, you can punch me in the face.

Yep, here's your problem.

Homer, find a place for all these little miracles.

Uh, TV respects me. It laughs with me, not at me. You stupid-- D'oh!

Hi, Maggie. I'm Homie-womie, the Teletubbie. And I'm all man, in case you heard otherwise. Let's see what's on tummy-vision. Ow! Oh, that hurts! Ow! Ow!

Mattingly, get rid of those sideburns. What sideburns? You heard me, hippie. These guys aren't so tough. I've got Wonderbat.

(ALL GASP) (GASPS) That's 61 meters.

All right! All right! That's it! We're goin' home. I'm sick of you and your stupid tonic!

D'oh! (SCREAMS) (BRAKES SCREECHING) (SUCKING)

Don't kill me. I ain't gonna kill ya. That'd be cowardly. Monty Burns cowardly. I just wanna watch you squirm.

My God-- The lemonade. Look at the lemonade. Uh-oh.

Yeah. "Go to bread." B-E-D! Bed! Oh! "Bed"! Oh. Well, anything you say, Sis. You didn't say which bed! Go to your bed!

Homer! That's our stage manager! Oh. Sorry. I'm a little nervous. It may interest you to know that for my next crime, I'll be pinching the pride and joy of the Springfield Museum, the world's largest cubic zirconia.

He's definitely dead!

Very clever, Simpson, luring our bees to your sugar pile... and then selling them back to us at an inflated price. Bees are on the what, now? Simpson, you diabolical-- We're willing to pay you $2,000 for the swarm. Deal!

And to think, Smithers, you laughed when I bought Ticketmaster. "Nobody's going to pay a hundred-percent service charge." Well, it's a policy that ensures a healthy mix of the rich and the ignorant, sir.

Don't cry for me. I'm already dead.

There was a farmer who had a dog - And Bingo was his name - Oh B-i-n-g-o B-i-n-g-o B-i-n-g-o and Bingo was his name, oh Homie, get in the car.

Whoo. Hello, beautiful. No ring, I see. So you are only arranged to be married. Ooh, ooh, ooh! I love this song. Let us boogie. I am A freak-a-zoid come on and Wind me up Whoo. I am hot. Let us get out of here.

What began as a traditional soccer riot... has escalated into a citywide orgy of destruction. Reacting swiftly, Mayor Quimby has declared mob rule. So for the next several years, it's every family for itself! Ex-Ex-Excuse me, sir.

Leave no black plume as a token of the lie thy soul has spoken. Leave my loneliness unbroken ! Quit the bust above my door ! Take thy beak from out my heart... and take thy form from off my door !

Well, it appears science has faltered once again... in the face of overwhelming religious evidence. But-- Go home, science girl. I am home. Good. Stay there.

Is there something wrong, Homie?

Thank you. Steal again. Well, morning, Apu. How are the little blessings? Ooh, they are a ravenous swarm of locusts... just eating and screaming and grabbing and poking and pulling and drooling. And two have cradle rash. How do you get cradle rash when you sleep in a suitcase?

Hello? Anybody home? Twelve glasses of water. That will wake me up nice and early. And I'll have a big head start on opening presents.

Where's the remote? Oh, it might as well be in China.

If somebody's in here, you're in for some serious ass forkin'!

War, huh good god, y'all What is it good For abSolutely nothing say it again say it again okay Hey, what happened to the tunes?

Now you've got nothing! Okay, Mom. For you, I'll try. (CHOKING) Okay. Now we know you're allergic to cauliflower. But I made a special platter of vegetables that are good for you. It graffiti you can eatie.

Oh, my God! He is like some sort of... non-giving up... school guy.

Kids are the best, Apu. You can teach 'em to hate the things you hate. And they practically raise themselves, what with the Internet and all.

You can call me Ray, or you can call me Jay. Just don't call me washed up. I do three shows a day. Charlie Callas doesn't sleep in the ground. Yes, I'm still alive, and I'm making my sounds.

Wow! A blue car!

Lisa, please help me lure them back. I had to do what I did. Our budget is stretched tighter than Mother's sauna pants. Seymour! Quit using me in analogies. Yes, Mother.

Ahh. That's sweet. What a lovely ending. They cut out the best word. Didn't that movie used to have a war in it? Come on, you. You've been warned. Picture yourself on a beautiful sailboat. Ah. Can't you just feel the sea breeze in your hair? Oh, boy.

It's "craptacular." Hocus-pocus. Mucous "pukeous." My powers of deduction tell me...

but also became a great movie-- called Ghostbusters.

He gets it from your side of the family, you know. No monsters on my side.

I can't see! I'll have to steer by the reflection in my watch! (TIRES SCREECHING) Oh! Why don't I just pull over? MAN: Hey! Can't stop. Krusty collectible toy jammed under brake pedal! Hey-hey! Hey-hey! Hey-hey!

- Hey Homer, how's your car coming ? - Oh, fine. We were putting in an onboard something-or-other... and rack and peanut steering.

Our tour starts in own room where Relaxo-vision offers you the latest Hollywood hits and after midnight the finest "R" rated movies Europe has to offer.

Oh, yuck. Meat loaf. My most hated of all loafs. That was the end piece! That's it! Being abusive to your family is one thing, but I will not stand idly by and watch you feed a hungry dog! Go to your room!

ow, ooh. ow, ooh. Ow, ooh. Whoa!

Hey, Barney, why don't you fill out the groom's side? Hey! Down in front! Nein!

They've all been cleared out to make way for painstaking sand preparation. That's right, Dick. This year everyone's abuzz about one thing-- the absence of Mark Rodkin. Oh, wait. There he is.

Well, we hit a little snag when the universe sort of collapsed on itself.

He's down there. Crud! Do you find something comical about my appearance... - when I am driving my automobile? - Yeah. Everyone needs to drive a vehicle-- even the very tall.

it's not unusual to be mad with anyone it's not unusual to be sad with anyone

Anyhoo, now that I'm your king again--

Occupation? Hmm. Butt doctor.

"Yes! Yes! Yes! This rocks!" And then sometimes I switch it up, like-- "No! No! No! Don't stop a-rockin'!" Dad, please. You're embarrassing us. No, I'm not. I'm teaching you about rock music. Now, Grand Funk Railroad paved the way for jefferson Airplane,

Lean, muscular children of Mars, we bring you candy. Let's walk over to them. Why walk when you can dance?

I admit this: You better shut your big yap. Oh, you shut up. No, you shut up ! No, you shut up ! - shut up ! - Shut up ! - Why don't you both shut up ? Hi, friends. I'm Dr. Marvin Monroe.

You're selling what now? I'm selling only the concept of karmic realignment. You can't sell that! Karma can only be portioned out by the cosmos. He's got me there. Is he still out there? Yes. He's raking leaves. What? That's your job!

Jasper. Gladys. Beatrice. Lookin' good, Hattie. Asa. Hazel. Hazel. Hazel! Oh, the hell with her. Hester. Emile. Prudence. Lemuel. - Increase. Dad. - Cornelius. Suppertime.

w'w' f "Twilight Zone Theme ff f

BART: This place looks familiar. It used to be The Leaning Tower of Pizza. They just painted the tower brown. Either way, everyone who works in the kitchen speaks Spanish.

That's the joke. You suck, McBain! Now, my Woody Allen impression. I'm a neurotic nerd who likes to sleep with little girls. Hey, that really sucked!

So, Homer, you saw the big cheese? What'd he look like? Perfect teeth, nice smell, a class act all the way.

Ah, yes. Wonder. D'oh! D'oh! Bobo, I know I say this every century, but I'll never leave you behind again.

Oh, you mean Reverend Lovejoy. No, I don't! What I mean is, to me you're just a stranger... - pretending to be something he's not. - Mmm. Oh, I'm sorry, but that's just how I feel. No, don't apologize. It's time I stopped pretending.

The zombies have the Earthlings on the run. Soon, the human race will wither and fall, like the earth plums we have seen on the observe-a-scope.

Here you go! Here I am! Uncle Moe! Thank you, ma'am! This'll be a treat! Uncle Moe! Here I am, while you eat! Yea! Now do it for Terri! What, it's your birthday too? We're twins.

We're the Hell's Satans out of Bakersfield!

Oh, yeah? My dear Lisa, you are eight, and I am 10. And in my two extra years on this planet, I've learned a few tricks. Gimme that sax! No!

Janie, school is never a waste of time. Since we have 15 minutes until recess please put down your pencils and stare at the front of the room.

Ohhh... Oh, baby. Ahh. Official tour '92 T-shirts, $31.

Well, as the tree said to the lumberjack, I'm stumped. It's like he just disappeared into fat air. Hey, shut up!

By hiring me as your lawyer, you also get this smoking monkey. Better cut down there, Smokey. Mr. Hutz--

Smithers, what are you doing up here? What are you doing with his ball? And all those other balls? Uh, there are no other balls. just these, uh, reptile eggs! Oh, step away! They're endangered.

yeah ! Bart ! Bart ! Bart ! Bart ! Bart ! Bart ! Bart ! Bart ! Bart ! Bart !

You know, I used to think you were stuck... in an emasculating, go-nowhere job. Kids. But now, I wanna follow in your footsteps. Do you want to change your name to Homer junior? The kids can call you Hoju. I'll get back to you.

The perfect chance to make my patented, space-age, out-of-this-world moon waffles. Let's see here.

I'm scared! Come on, Ned! Move this thing! I can't! It's a Geo! Hmm. I guess he didn't see me.

But, please, don't believe me. Observe this commercial.

Oh, my God! Beer delivery. Sign here. No! It's you! Oh, boy! Gimme that!

Lousy "Smarch" weather. "Do not touch Willie." Good advice. Huh? Our next budget item, $12 for doorknob repair.

I had a bad dream. Could I sleep in your bed? No. I'll give you a candy necklace. Climb aboard.

I don't think that's a good idea. Hmm." Take that, Marge. Thank you, thank you. And now, the all-new comedy stylings of... Krusty the Clown!

Hello, Muddah Hello, Faddah Here I am at Camp Granada - Marge, is Lisa at Camp Granada? Now to put this tape... where no one will ever listen to it.

Some people call me a space cowboy - Yeah - Yeah Some call me the gangster of love Some people call me Maurice Whoo, whoo !

Galveston, oh, Galveston Is this all he watches? He used to watch Davy and Goliath but he thought the idea of a talking dog was blasphemous.

I'm with jim Hope of Kid First Industries, which has generously stepped in to educate our children. That's right, Kent. You know, when public schools drop the ball, it's up to the private sector to fall on that fumble and run for the end zone. Will you be replacing the current teachers and administrators? Very much so, Kent. But they've already received an extremely generous severance package.

You traded my soul for pogs?

I was really starting to enjoy... Ethnic Mismatch Comedy #644! I've never heard so many Viagra jokes in 30 seconds. Shut up-a your mouth!

Uh, sometimes I think he's more interested in his Itchy and Mitchy cartoons than me.

Oh, gosh. You know, I'm not much on speeches, but it's so gratifying... to leave you wallowing in the mess you've made. You're screwed. Thank you. Bye. He's right. He ain't much on speeches. Now, people, we are far from screwed.

Hey, don't worry, Marge. Pretty soon, every boy and girl in Springfield Elementary School is gonna come see this thing. Really ? Why ? They're forcing 'em ! Oh.

Oh, well. It's paper-clipped.

Bart, you're so funny.

Are you a professional writer? Mm-mmm. Are you interested in politics or government? I don't know. Are you interested in anything? I don't know. - Could you touch your nose for me? Hmm. - Mm. Hmm.

- Nice one, Homer. - Thanks.

All right. Settle down. Anita Bath here?

Can I punch Oscar de la Hoya for a while? Just keep it above the belt. (GRUNTING) (SIGHS) You know, Milhouse? I thought I'd love eating only frosting and giving the pope a wedgie.

Out at 5:00, catch General Sherman at 5:30, clean him at 6:00, eat him at 6:30, back in bed by 7:00 with no incriminating evidence. The perfect crime. Homer ? You're sneaking out to go fishing.

Jingle bells jingle bells Bart! Why are you doing that? I don't know.

I don't understand it. That was nonalcoholic champagne.

Back to the wing. Back to the center. Center holds it. Holds it. Holds it. Halfback passes to center! Back to wing! Back to center! Center holds it! Holds it! Holds it! I can't bear this any longer. I'm leaving!

An elephant just knocked over your mailbox. Okay.

But if you want to believe a bunch of crazy promises... about garbagemen cleaning your gutters and waxing your car, then by all means vote for this sleazy lunatic. Whoo-hoo!

Honey, can we make up again ?

You were supposed to get her that stupid diary! But it's a personalized video about my favorite little star... Lisa Simpson. Well, this could be fun. Let's watch it.

Uh-huh. Uh, what region? Uh, upstate New York. Really. Well, I'm from Utica, and I've never heard anyone use the phrase "steamed hams." Oh, not in Utica. No. It's an Albany expression. I see. You know, these hamburgers are quite similar to the ones they have at Krusty Burger.

See ya, kids. Me and my Val-U-Qual book are gonna paint the town red... with savings!

I'm here at the Museum of TV and Television... with a real treat for Simpsons fans, if any, because tonight we present The Simpsons Spin-Off Showcase.

Hello, I'm Dr. Cheeks. I'm doin' my rounds, and, uh, I'm a little behind. He'll be fine.

You're no girl. You're a boy. A good boy. You can be president. Scratch that-- You will be president! Dad! I think Lisa needs another push on her new tire swing! No, Dad, I wanna get down. This tire is filthy and the steel belts are poking me.

Don't soul mate me! Okay.

Yabba dabba doo! I like talkin' to you! We're gonna lose our house and end up living under a bridge like common trolls. I don't think Bob won that election legally. I can't believe a convicted felon would get so many votes...

He's killed the original Alfalfa! Yeah. Luckily, Alfalfa was an orphan, owned by the studio. Oh, I see. Yeah. That makes sense.

Hey, this ain't art! It's business! What do ya got in mind? Sexy broad? Gangster octopus? No. No. The animal chain of command goes... mouse, cat, dog. D-O-G.

for a 40-something elementary school administrator? Hell, yes. Hmm. But I'm already paying a guy for that. Skinner! I order you to step off, dawg. (ALL LAUGHING) I think they're making fun of me but my wife is very sick. Whoo!

Aah..! Oh, fudge... That's broken. Fiddle-dee-dee. That will require a tetanus shot.

(BRAKES SCREECHING) Come on, boy. Take your pill.

It'll burn up in our atmosphere and whatever's left will be no bigger than a Chihuahua's head. Wow, Dad. Maybe you're right. Of course I'm right. If I'm not, may we all be horribly crushed from above somehow. Okay, if you're that worried about it, let's go down to the bomb shelter.

I'd really like to give it a try. I don't know, Marge. Trying is the first step towards failure.

Go! Go! Go! Go!

Ooh. Hey, hey. Come in! And then take that, and put that in there,

Most of those books haven't been discredited yet.

Arr! It begins. The dolphins are upon us. And only this old sea dog knows how to stop the-- Arr! Rarr!

Won't you think of the children?

Why don't you get somethin' to eat from our food truck? - Hey! - M-Mr. Simpson?

"Max, what I did, I did because of alcohol and anger." "I'm tired of these jokes about my giant hand. The first such incident occurred in 1956 when"-- Hi, Homer. Mindy! Uh-- Oh, no, I'm sweating like Roger Ebert.

Scully, you're cut. Uh, Brooks, Groening, Simon, you're all cut. Castellaneta, gone. Kavner, cut. Cartwright, cut. Smith, sorry. Cut. Azaria and Shearer, you're cut. Firestone, you're cut. So is judge. Namath, you stay. All of those people are cut.

Thanks for poisoning the planet, bastard. Get bent. No more Chernobyls! Go to hell!

Race Banyon and Buzz Aldrin, the second man on the moon. Second comes right after first.

I like. I like. This just came over the wires, Big "K." Uh-huh. "Soviet boycott. "U.S. unopposed in most events." How does this affect our giveaway? Let's see. You personally stand to lose 44 million dollars. Oy!

So, how do you like being a walrus, Dad? ts great! I havent been this skinny since high school. Homie, someone owes me a back scratch. Mmm! Mmm.

"Caution. Exit through door seven only. All other rooms contain man-eating tigers." Roman numerals? They never even tried to teach us that in school!

Da-da da-da-da Hey! Da-da-da-da da-da da-da-da Hey! Da-da I now pronounce you husband and wife. You may now kiss... each other.

Oh, what's happening? Where am I? And she's on drugs! Give me the drugs, Lisa.

I'd see 'em sitting on that couch all day long, just staring at that Hollywood hogwash. Our favorite show was Hollywood Hogwash, but we also loved The Dreck Squad. The Malarkeys, Dumbin' it Down. Sheriff Lowbrow. Home improvement.

No, that's a terrier. They're dogs. Well, you sure don't look 25, but your unlaminated, out-of-state driver's license is proof enough for me. Here's your first assignment.

Flintstones chewable morphine. I'll miss Sheriff Lobo. O.J. Morphine. Lobo. - O.J. Morphine. - Lobo. And a bottle of aspirin, please. The aspirin is 24.95. 24.95! I lowered the price because an escaped mental patient tampered with the bottle.

I've gone back to the time... when dinosaurs weren't just confined to zoos! Okay. Don't panic. Remember the advice your father gave you on your wedding day. If you ever travel back in time, don't step on anything...

Madam, your children are no more... than a pair of ill-bred troublemakers. Lisa too? Especially Lisa! But especially Bart! If he crosses me one more time, just once more, well, I can't be held responsible for my actions.

Marge, every woman I interview for the secretary job makes kissy faces at me. Mmm. Hello, Mr. Simpson. I'm Carl. He sounds good. Hire him.

Yeah, right. Like you're gonna let me go hungry. I'll be eating that pizza in five minutes. Bart, stop being confident. Doggone it! Ohh. Oh, Grampa. I'm starving! Somebody bring me some food quick!

Wow. Excuse me. My microwave johnnycakes are ready.

Hurry up, Bart, or you'll be late to be killed by the dog! What? I said you'll be late for school!

It's one of those nude female fire stations. Oh, I'd always be second place to some kitten stuck in a tree. Let's go, Smithers. Smithers? Aah! Aah! Aah!

Yeah! Whoo! You idiot. Dr. Winslow was only going to die in a dream. Wha-- Pink pages always mean a dream. I thought dreams was on goldenrod. No, goldenrod is for coma fantasies. I see. So, uh, what time tomorrow?

The hell with cartoons. I'm gonna do what i've always dreamed of. I'm gonna write that sitcom about the sassy robot.

Oh, I wish! You see, that night when you hit me with your car-- I'm making record time on this fog walk. Better pick up the pace.

They smell good. They look good. You'd step over your own mother just to get one! But you can't stop at one. You wanna drink another woman. So I says, "Yeah, if you want that money, come and find it, "'cause I don't know where it is, you bologna.

Snowball ii, Santa's Little Helper-- This is Princess. Please don't exclude her because she's different.

And off to your left is Hugh Hefner's Shelbyville pad. A lot of people know about the grotto and the game room. Of course. But few know about the laboratory, the biosphere, the alternative energy research center. Fascinating.

Open the glove compartment and fetch me my brain medicine.

Wow! Paul McCartney! I read about you in history class. But where's your wife, Linda? Right here, Lisa. Whenever we're in Springfield, we like to hang out in Apu's garden in the shade. We met him in India years ago during the Maharishi days. Back then I was known as the fifth Beatle. Sure you were, Apu.

Oh, I'm coming with you, Neddie. No, sweetheart. - You... You stay here because-- - Okay. I might go mad with fear out there.

Brilliant reading. Again?

Rock and roll fantasy camp! The Rolling Stones' Rock n’ Roll Fantasy Camp! But I thought you guys were mad at me.

Bullwinkle's antler's sprung a leak.

Again with the Klingons! Mr. Scott, give me full power. It's no good, Captain. I cannot reach the control panel. Movies! What a rip-off! I don't have to sit here and take this! I--

Dad, I'm kind of edgy right now. I'd appreciate you not coming in my room screaming and brandishing a butcher knife. Why? Oh, right. The Sideshow Bob thing. Oh, I'm sorry, boy.

All I'm saying is don't get too comfortable. Mr. Burns will be back tomorrow. Marge, you're right. We do have to have a party! Party? No! No parties! What about par-tay? No par-tays, no shindigs, no keggers, no hootenannies,

You destroyed that drug shipment? Yes, indeedy! That was my insulin! Uh-oh, SpaghettiOs!

I'm gonna kill you!

Oh, yeah. Oh! Can we talk about Chief Wiggum?

That bird! He's killing the elephant! Stop him! No, Dad, he's grooming him. Grooming him, eh?

Hey, hey. This is not a lending library !

So, what do you say we make a break for it?

Knock it off. I'm sorry. Knock it off! I's just jammin' with ya.

It's 11:15! We've been spinning for hours.

Oh, finally, some repression. All right, everyone! Disperse immediately! We are prepared to use force! What? What? We're not prepared, Eddie? - Get 'em! - Uh-oh. Someone call 911! Oh, they never come.

Remember me for my police work and not the murders...

Oh, I wish I had these on my space adventure. Did you know I was blasted into space two years ago, Mom? Oh, sure. I read all about it. I mean-- It was national news. Do you... still work for NASA? - No, I work at the nuclear power plant. - Oh, Homer. Well, you'll be happy to know I don't work very hard.

There's something you don't see in a toilet every day.

Can you believe it, Marge? This job is the greatest. They're paying me to eat! If you could just get somebody to pay you for scratching your butt, we'll be on easy street. Why, you little--

and build crappy furniture out of useless wooden logs? Huh? D'oh! Stupid poetic justice! Actually, we were just planning the father-son river-rafting trip. Heh-heh! You don't have a son. Look. Homer won't wanna go. So just ask him, and he'll say no.

Hi. How's it going? Pleased to meet you. Yeah, ditto. Hi. Ooh. Homer, what's the matter? Ain't you never seen a naked chick ridin' a clam before? Gotta go! Ahhh! What the hell was that?

You'll have to jump! Piece of cake, son.

But look at these results. Fifty-five, forty-two, twenty-six. A 12 on state capitals ? Okay, okay. Why are we dancing around the obvious ? I know it, you know it. I am dumb, okay ? Dumb as a post. Think I'm happy about it ? There, there, Bart. You're just a late bloomer. Oh, I wish it were that simple.

You've really done it this time, Bart! You're in for the punishment of a lifetime!

And I think to myself what A wonderful world

Eh, eh, eh! Seeing as we are unfamiliar with sarcasm, I shall close the register at this point and state that 99 cents is the rental price. Oh, then may I please rent it, please? You may not. I am all out. Though I do have a surprising abundance... of Lee Carvallo's Putting Challenge. Ohh!

ln business news, 3M and M&M have merged to form- get this- Ultradyne Systems.

- What a pooch. - Woof woof!

A walking clock? A walking clock! I'd wager he has some variety of walking clock in that box.

Somebody will listen to me. Somebody will-- I believe the senator has yielded the floor. Yield this, Senator Payne.

Looks like bad news for the... Impson family.

Oh, no. An election ? It's one of those deals when they close the bars, isn't it ? Sorry, Barney.

We are mollified! We are mollified! Brilliant. We lost $60 million, and they're cheering for more. Mr. Burns! You're alive! Yes. I regained consciousness during my big dance number. Those strings pulling me every which way jostled my heart from its slumber.

That doll tried to kill me. I'd say that the pressure's finally gotten to Dad, but what pressure?

Yarr. Hey, Sea Captain. Giving your toys a Viking funeral, eh? I really don't want to talk about it. If you change your mind, I won't be far. Thanks, but... I've been told I'm a good listener. But when you're a captain, you never know when people are just flattering ya. Yarr.

Can I punch Oscar de la Hoya for a while? Just keep it above the belt. (GRUNTING)

I tried to fill it with family, religion community service, but those were dead ends. I think this chair is the answer. We can't just spend this money on some creature comfort. All right, we won't get the chair. Now excuse me while I kiss the sky.

Today, we own a nationwide chain of wheel-balancing centers. Where else but in America-- or possibly Canada-- could our family find such opportunity? That's why whenever I see the stars and stripes, I'll always be reminded of that wonderful word "flag."

And now for my final thought. Nobody wins when parents put their petty squabbles above the welfare of a child. Let's hope they put their differences aside and do what's best for Maggie.

In the den? May God have mercy on us all.

Whew! Just Italians. His float’s already moving. I didnt even hear the engine start. Yeah. ts really runnin' quiet. Some mechanic tuned it up right before the parade. A mechanic?

Are you sure? Hmm.

You folks ready to begin? Uh, I guess. Is this episode going on the air live? No, Homer. Very few cartoons are broadcast live. It's a terrible strain on the animators' wrists.

If we give up our dental plan, I'll have to pay for Lisa's braces! People, stop! We can't give up our dental plan! Lenny, without that dental plan, you wouldn't have that diamond in your tooth. Yoink! Hey!

What's a joy stick? Oh, oh! Here comes a Xylon cruiser! Go into hyperspace! Wait! Where's the hyperspace? Grandpa, you're the spaceship. I thought I was this guy. - Oh! - Oh! Game's over. I got down on the floor for this?!

Boo! Here I am. Yah! No! Stop! I left my gun on the seat! Hey! Wait here, please.

I'm telling Mr. Jagger. Ooh, I'm telling Mr. Jagger. The clothes you wear on stage should be a defiant statement of individuality. Like this, Mr. Kravitz? God, no.

Here you go, little lady. And for the record, there were a few jewish cowboys-- big guys who were great shots and spent money freely.

Becky, I want to apologize to-- Usurper! Why, you little-- Cut. Cut!

- May I have some more lima beans, please? - Certainly. - More than that. - Certainly. More. More. More. Uh, maybe you should eat the ones you have. I didn't say I was gonna eat them. I just wanted to look at them because they're so gross. What's for dessert?

Oh, no. It's just a clump of dirt. Even so, my heart is pounding like a kettle drum. I'd better sit down for a moment. "Prinskipper Skippal"-- "Prinnipple Skipper"-- I-i found something!

Town crier. I'd like to ask you a few questions. One: Where's the fife? And two: Give me the Fife.

This year's tree is just perfect. That old aluminium one was so fake. I couldn't agree more. From now on, it's plastic all the way. Bart, did you hear that? Could it be?

No, I'm just Milhouse when he gets hurt. Ohh!

Come on. Come on! just give 'em the slop and let's get out of here. Oh, I can do it faster than that! Mmm, mmm. Mmm, mmm. Mmm, mmm. Wow! Look at that enthusiasm! This is front-page material.

Hmm! We have a kitchen?

Bart! Oh, I see Bart gets to have a gun. You lied to me! You promised to get rid of this gun. I put it in a safe place, Marge. I mean, what are the odds the boy would look in the vegetable crisper? How could you?

Next case. The National Council of Churches vs. Lionel Hutz. Oh, right. That thing.

I don't get it. They should be here by now. Ah, what are you gonna do?

Now you, paint ! Mmm !

So have a merry Christmas, happy Hanukkah, "kwazy" Kwanzaa, a tip-top Tet... and a solemn, dignified Ramadan. Now a word from my god, our sponsor.

Activate cloaking device! Oh, I'm so depressed. Engage candy bar.

I ain't goin' on some clown show. I'm retired. No one expects you to do anything difficult.

Boy, you don't have to follow in my footsteps. Don't worry. I don't even like using the bathroom after you. Why, you little..! Krusty, please continue.

I must find another way to vanquish the girl. So, has your daughter always been such a righteous little rabble-rouser? Oh, yeah. She's always trying to improve mankind. Fascinating! Do go on. Wait a minute. Are you trying to get dirt on Lisa?

Barney, did you ever notice how hard it is to drive with your knees?

What the..? Aaaaahh! I'm telling mom and dad. Who? Mom and dad. Jinx! You can't talk till somebody says your name

wasting food. But first, let's join the new Little Miss Springfield, Amber Dempsey, as she helps open the Danish super-chain "Shop." Scott, everyone is here, from the mayor's illegitimate son to our own Duff blimp.

That and the sand bucket. What's that stuff? Why, this is retardant. Sure is. And what's that? That's called a hose lengthener. You need one. What's this? just read the label. It's a king-sized flamer!

ew, Dad! "Tell my beloved wife my last thoughts were of her... "blinding and torturing Abe Simpson. Cheerio." My dad's a disgrace, just like Bart's dad! Me!

I hear digging, but I don't hear chopping. Ooh! A friendly bee. Ow. That sting hurts so much.

No, sir. Wow, Mom ! Hmm. So that's where she gets it.

Ho! Good-bye student loan payments. Ha, ha! Come back here, you stinkin'-- Hey. I wonder how much air is in here.

Discarded pizza boxes are an inexpensive source of cheese.

It's just a pinecone.

Shut up, you! Stop teasing the big-bottomed lass. She's just as God made her, plump as a Christmas goose.

Ladies and gentlemen, Little Miss Springfield has been struck by lightning.

Good girl, Maggie! You knocked down all the pins.

Oh, man, There goes Peter Frampton's big finale. He's gonna be pissed off. You're damn right I'm gonna be pissed off! I bought that pig at Pink Floyd's yard sale! - Dad, are you okay? - I'm fine.

It's terrible-- all the traffic lights are out. Driving sure is dangerous. Yeah, tell me about it. I got some yuppie jerk-off headed right for me, yakkin' away on his cell phone. Huh! I hear that. I got some big shot barreling down on me. Hey! Who are you talkin' to, your boyfriend? Hey, jackass! Your voice sounds familiar!

Stop saying things!

- Na-na, na-na, na-na, na-na - leader na-na, na-na, na-na, na-na leader na-na, na-na, na-na, na-na leader na-na, na-na, na-na, na-na leader leader, leader batman i mean-- Leader I love the Leader.

Listen, Marge... uh... how would you feel if I told you the dog ran away? Homer, that's awful. Oh. Well, I got good news. The dog didn't run away. Well, good. I'm coming home, honey. You can pick me up in an hour and bring the kids. Bye.

Wow. What kind of mileage does it get? One highway, zero city. Ohh!

Uh, is the poop deck really what I think it is? I like the cut of your jib. What's a jib? Promote that man.

You fall, they kill you! Relax, relax. And snakes! Bravo, little girl. Great progress! You deserve reward.

Mr. Burns? Mr. Burns is gone. And tonight was the night I was gonna show him my tattoo. (SOBBING)

Ooh! Floor pie. I-- Whoa! Aw. Oh.

Oh, no! No! Someone taped over the end of this! All we ask is to be treated with dignity and respect. And a new candle now and then?

Hey, who's the mop top with the big schnozz ? Don't you knoW anything, boy ? That's Ringo starr. What Is this ? Hey, your mother must have painted this.

Some people say that to love your country is old-fashioned, uncool, real melvin. Well, to them I say-- Oh beautiful For spacious skieS For amber waves of grain One, two, three, four! Left A good Job in the city

The doctor thought I might have brain damage. Dad, what's the point of this story? I like stories.

Oh, no. No, no. No, I'm just surprised. (LAUGHS NERVOUSLY) Yeah, big surprise. Hey, Marge, here's another bomb. I like beer. (LAUGHING)

I'm The Love-Matic Grampa!

Oh, thank God! Thank God! Thank God!

If you can tell me why I shouldn't fire you without using the letter "E," you can keep your job. Uh, okay. Um-- I'm a good work-- guy. You're fired. But I didn't say-- You will. Eeeeeeee!

As you can see, you stand to save up to 17 cents a month over the more dependable providers. Aw, talk about Star Wars.

My Bologna has A first name it's h-o-m-e-r my Bologna has A second name it's h-o-m-e-r oh, I Scram!

Here. Have some nuts. Hey, thanks. Ow! God! My eye! Ow! Get it out! Geez! Gaagh! Don't pull. Don't pull. I said don't pull! Don't! Now we're pulling into port.

Okay, Homer, let's get a level check on your voice. She smells sheet smells by the sheet "shtore." Wait. Wait. Let me try it again. Relax, Homer. You'll do fine. I'm june Bellamy. I do the voices of Itchy and Scratchy. You? But you're a lady.

Is that story true, Grampa? Well, most of it. I did wear a dress for a period in the '40s. Oh, they had designers then.

Our children aren't safe with that monster! Yeah, keep away from him, Milhouse! You too, Ralphie. You're out of that day care center. Oh! My polite indignation knows no bounds! No! No! No one is taking my kids from me!

Her brother had this to say. Lisa is a nut. She has a rubber butt. Every time she turns around, it goes putt putt. Indeed. But that rubber butt doesn't have much time for turning around these days.

Hmm. Really makes you think. What does that even mean? Mom might not see through you, but I do. You don't care about any of these people. Well, if I'm guilty of anything, maybe it's caring too much. I'm Bart Simpson. Stop talking like that. Stop it.

Hey, Carl, what's with the hat? Oh, what, this thing? I got it down at the museum. It's what the ancient Egyptians call a souvenir. My daughter's at that Egyptian dealie right now. She wanted to take a limo. But I made her take the bus.

oh, I knew I should have shut that window.

Now turn to the next problem. If you have three Pepsis and drink one, how much more refreshed are you?

I’ve got a whole list ofthings for you to do today. My favorite is number three. Oh, I'd love to, but someone made me too many pancakes... and now l have to sleep them off. Those were for the church breakfast! Were they, now? Ow!

That's quite a nice model, sir. Model?

I was foolish to think I'd actually changed you. Maybe I was seeing things in you that weren't really there. Definitely. Then why did you want to be with me? Mmm-mmm. Maybe 'cause you were the first person... that ever thought there was a nice guy inside me. Huh. Well, guess you really blew that one, huh?

What the hell! Oh, no! Oh, man! Your Frisbee jammed the juice-ilator, Homer. Our entire shipment is ruined!

those daffy laughy clowns send in those soulful and doleful schmaltz-by-the-bowlful clowns

Must... call... Smithers. He'll protect me from this beast. I've seen people activate this machine a thousand times. Doesn't seem to be any trick to it. Let's see. Smithers. S-M-i-T-H-E-R-S. Success! It's ringing.

I never realized how boring this game is.

No es bueno. Winners don't use drugs. Ehh! Ehh! Ehh! Ehh! Ehh! Ehh! Ehh! Ehh!

I-i couldn't have put it better myself. "I do what I feel like." People, this young man here is the inner child I've been talking about. What? Son, you've never read any of my books, have you? Earth to boring guy.

Beer! I can explain, Marge. Please let me explain. Oh, why won't you let me explain? You're the one the papers have been talking about-- that mysterious Beer Baron who's been supplying Springfield with alcohol. How have you been getting away with this? Well-- And I can explain, remember?

You're right. We're getting screwed.

Well, we have a brown shoe. Did you hear that, kids? Brown. Oh, rats. Talk about bad luck. I forgot to wear socks today. Guess I can't try those on. Yeah, no problem. You can wear the store sock.

Oh, we're gonna die, and I never tasted cantaloupe! Eh, you didn't miss much. Honeydew is the money melon.

So long, sucker. Now hold it right there, you little-- Mother ? Spanky ? Oh, Marge, I still hurt.

YOu-- YOu-- Ow! - You're... going... down, punk! - Ow! Ow! Ow! Whoa, this is so dangerous. Yeah, you're right. D'oh!

Return to your homes and places of businesses.

Wow! The Q-tip he used to kill Ross Perot.

They might not be dead. They could be in the basement. I'm an orphan. I'm a legal guardian. (PHONE RINGING) How can I be a parent? I break my teeth on ribbon candy.

Burn him! What a story! You've stolen my soul! In culture-- dead last. Eleanor, we've got to do something about this depression. So I propo-- Oh, that's right. I'm crippled. This is terrible. People will start to avoid Springfield.

f Radio: Child Announcer] You 're listening to Radio Disney. The songs you io ve re written for babies! w' Who ieit the milk out; ; Yuck, yuck, yuck-yuck; J Dad left the milk out Yuck, yuck, yuck-yuck; That's good satire. It doesnt hurt anyone.

- You're being completely paranoid. - Oh, am I? Am I really? Aha! Hello. All right, pal, where'd you get the sugar for that tea? I nicked it when you let your guard down for that split second. And I'd do it again. Good-bye.

We'll work this out together. First things first-- Where is Knoxville? It's in Tennessee, right next to the Oak Ridge nuclear facility, birthplace of the atomic bomb. Well, maybe we could order something from Oak Ridge. And Bart could be the courier. Y'ello. Oak Ridge? This is Springfield Nuclear.

Authorization code? Code? Son, this is Colonel Hapablap! That fool McGuckett sprayed runway foam all over Chuck Yeager's Acura. Now get down there with the chamois triple-time! But, Colonel, I'm under strict orders to-- Sweet Enola Gay, son! Get moving or I'll tear you up like a Kleenex at a, uh, snot party. Sir, right away, sir!

f Desmond Narrating f American Boneheads: A Day in the Life of Springfield Elementary. Where do you think you Wiii be in seven years? i 'm gonna iive with Underground Grandma. i 'm gonna go to a two-year technicai school. . . then work in a garage. - f Groaning f - Seii-outi Yuppie! Soccer mom!

Stop your laughing! You're all banned! Banned I tell you!

You'll live to regret this!

Duff Man says a lot of things. Oh, yeah! Hmph!

Oh, forget about it. That Mr. Takahashi's a lunatic.

Oh, my God! This man is my exact double! That dog has a puffy tail! Here, Puff!

(BEEPING) (GRUNTS) You know, I was thinking of taking a poetry class at the community college. Forget it. I had to sell all my marrow to pay the light bill. I didn't have much marrow.

I'm getting me a real spleen and then I'm gonna vent it on you, boychik. Oi! Shoving. It almost sounded like he plans to tear organs out of living people.

What about you? Hmm. Homer, what did you do, get a haircut or something? Look closer, Lenny. Oh, you're the biggest man in the world now and you're covered in gold. 14-karat gold. Take a hike, boss.

- Oh, Artie. - Please? Really, I mean it. Now stop it! I'm sorry, Marge. Take me home, Artie.

And I don't believe in it. It breaks up families. It turns wives against husbands, children against fathers, neighbors against me. You don't have to pay some fancy psychiatrist... ten bucks an hour to get top-notch therapy.

Only Fallout Boy can save me now. Where's Fallout Boy? Fallout Boy!

Got no experience? Step up to elegance. Become a limo driver at Classy joe's. That's it! I'll make money with a chauffeur job. Good thing you turned on that TV, Lisa.

The contents of the hijacked truck--

Ronaldo used to send me a letter every month, but then they stopped. That's why I called the orphanage. But they said he'd disappeared. How come you talked for $400? Well, then they started pressuring me for more donations. And you can't hang up on a nun. That's right. They have powers.

Why not ? I paid for it. Hey, Flanders, next time why don't you put a little alcohol in it ? Au contraire, Simpson. It has three shots of rum, a jigger of bourbon and just a little dab-a-roo of creme de cassis for flavor. Really ? Well, I do have a warm sense of well-being...

Oh, I always thought karma was baloney, but not anymore. Mmm, caramel bologna. Hey! Kirk Van Houten-- I live across the way. Ha-ha-ha. If you don't like losin' at cribbage, stay outta my place.

Homer's in the hospital! They think it's his heart! Oh, my God. - What? - Five cents off wax paper.

Faster, Willie, faster. Now, we give 'em the bikes, no one sues. What if they're dead, sir? Then we ride these bikes to Mexico and freedom, Willie! Freedom! Freedom. I'll turn you in at the first tollbooth.

It's a big hospital. If you're really Michael jackson who were your last four Grammy dates? Brooke Shields, Diana Ross, Emmanuel Lewis and Bubbles. Shiver me timbers! You are Michael jackson! Can you stay on the line while I get all my friends and relatives? I'm afraid not. Your father needs your help. You don't want him to get a lobotomy, do you?

Some careless person has left thousands and thousands of dollars...

Marge, this is everything I've ever dreamed of-- right here. And nobody's gonna take it away from me. You never had faith in me before, but let me tell you-- the slim, lazy Homer you knew is dead. Now I'm a big, fat dynamo! And where's that cake?

Ooh, hey, my 1:00 canceled. Have you had any lunch? Yeah, but I usually have three or four. So where to eat? You like Thai? Tie good. You like shirt?

I'm sorry, sir, but I just couldn't hurt Homer Simpson. He saved your life. I see. I know you're mad at me, but it's only fair to warn you, I'm going to stand outside the gate until you forgive me. No need, Smithers. As usual, you've been the sober yin to my raging yang. Put her there, old pal.

Huh? Perfect. Homer, no. You'll kill us all. Or die trying. Dang!

How about a half-hour of pity sex? Is there any other kind? (BURPS)

- Nice work, Homer! Am I proud of you! - Well-- When you go home tonight, there's gonna be another story on your house. Thank you.

Ooh ! Ahh ! Eee ! Son of a-- Oh ! Eee ! And that's how we shave. Doh ! Whoa ! Why, you little-- It was like that when I got here. Oh, that's my boy.

Come on, Bart. We had our fun. - Remember when I used to push you on the swing? - I was fakin' it. - Liar! - Oh, yeah? Remember this? "Higher, Dad. Higher. - "Whee! Whee! Push harder, Dad." - Hey, stop that. "Come on! Higher! Higher! Faster!" Stop that! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it!

Me too. Now, let's get going. I got a date with Eudora Welty. Coming, Eudora!

Simpson! See you at reveille, 0500 tomorrow! See you at the I.R.S.! See you in hell! From heaven.

that's all I need. I didn't take it. Why, you little-- How can you look me in the eye and lie like that? Homer, stop that! I believe him.

In grade number two

Hey, anybody up for a little so-called pay TV ? Dad, are you sure this isn't stealing ? Read the pamphlet, honey. Hello. I'm Troy McClure.

Alien Autopsy. Illegal Alien Autopsy. Godfather III: Good Version. He's got the tape of Kent Brockman picking his nose. Look! He's picking his nose!

You must hate me. Dad, do you remember why you entered me in that pageant? - I don't know. Was I drunk? - Possibly. But the point is, you wanted me to feel better about myself, and I do. Really? Uh-huh. Will you remember this the next time I wreck your life? It's a deal.

Oh, if he thinks George Bush'll stay out of the sewer, he doesn't know George Bush. Hey, turkeys! Behind ya. For the last time, Bush, apologize for spanking my boy! Never. You make him apologize for destroying my memoirs. You didn't tell me you destroyed his memoirs. Never!

So this is how the Monty Burns saga ends. If I hadn't surrounded myself with those spineless yes-men.

What's he doin' with that broom? Uh, what isn't he doing? I heard that guy's ass has its own congressman.

Oh, man. He'll blow our winning streak. Yeah. Call this an unfair generalization if you must, but old people are no good at everything. Look, guys, it's not that simple. He's my boss. I'll tell you what. I'll give him a shot, and if he stinks, it'll be easier to tell him no.

I think the metric system is the tool of the devil! My car gets 40 rods to the hogshead, and that's the way I likes it! The old person's remarks will be stricken from the record.

Come on. This one's easy. We give up. Well, guess! Book of Revelations. Fire-breathing lion's head. Tail made out of snakes. Who else is it gonna be? Jesus? Je-- je-- Ohh! Don't you kids know anything? The serpent of Reheboam?

All right. Climb in. There's nothing to worry about. Now everyone, go to sleep. Good night.

I don't want anyone to give her a hard time just because she's different. No jokes, no taunting-- Look, that kid's got bosoms! Who's got a wet towel? Come here, you butterball. Don't make me run! I'm full of chocolate!

That's it? Yeah, I got a magic bat too. And I got an enchanted jockstrap. Yeah. Just watch.

We want you to tell us what you think. And be honest, because no one from the show is here spying on you. Why is that mirror sneezing? Uh, look, it's just an old, creaky mirror. You know, sometimes it sounds a little like it's sneezing... or coughing or talking softly.

But... I need you too. That's the problem with being middle-class. Anybody who really cares will abandon you for those who need it more. I-- I understand. Mr. Bergstrom, I'm gonna miss you. I'll tell you what.

What? I'm a monster, right? I knew it. I guess I'll just crawl back to live in a sewer, periodically emerging to sue you. Is that me? Oopsie. We got some leakage. Let me just cauterize that for you.

It was only a dream. Bart! Is that you? Yes! Take out the garbage.

I'm Maude. God is super! Can I sit in the car? Let's both sit in the car. Bye-bye. A Bible park without beer? Now I've seen everything! And this candy is subpar. Any religion that embraces carob is, uh, not for Carl Carlson.

No. Not the memoirs. Don't even think about it. Not gonna happen. - Whoa, man. - Whoa nothing.

Wow. I'll never drink another beer. Beer here! I'll take 10.

I'm a white male, aged 18 to 49. Everyone listens to me, no matter how dumb my suggestions are.

Even the pet cemetery voted for Bob. Look! Mr. and Mrs. Bananas. Humphrey Boa-gart. Oh, my poor dead kitty! Please, not you too! All right, Bob. Now it's personal! Hey! Um, he did try to kill me.

Okay, Homer, pick out any one you want. Are you sure you want to give me a car ? Hey, you know what these things cost me ? There's maybe forty bucks worth of steel in 'em. Oh, okay. I'd like a big one then. We don't have a big one. Why not ?

Hmm. We didn't have a message when we left. How very odd. Hello, Muddah Hello, Faddah Here I am at Camp Granada - Marge, is Lisa at Camp Granada? Now to put this tape...

Custard! Custard! Custard! They make The Blue Man Group look like Mummenschanz, which is still pretty good. Oh, the second one wants custard, too? That's a little repetitive.

It is a great dishonor to my ancestors and my god, but okay.

You're gonna blow it! Ah. That's what I get for having faith in ya. Oh. My father never believed in me. Well, I'm not gonna make the same mistake.

Hey, whatsa matter, you? You crazy kid, you chasing away my business. Buzz off, Guiseppe. Pepe, go for the face!

I don't understand it's appeal. We don't expect you to, Mom.

GOD: Homer Simpson, it's time you got what's coming to you. Your Frisbee. Cool. You guys got a good buffet up here? Oh, yeah. Just stay away from the three-bean salad. - You're not the boss of me. - D'oh.

Our tireless safety engineers crash-test over 1,000 cars a year. Hey, wait, That's not a dummy. This exhibit is closed.

"Kees" me, or I'll crush you. He says what we're all thinking. I'm not thinking that.

I hit it! I hit it! My cans. My precious, antique cans. Aw, look what you done to 'em. Well, it's getting late. Maybe we should call it a night.

Besides, he's a great kisser. Ew! Yuck! Mm, what about Abe Simpson?

Okay. Mountain climbing supplies. Rope. Ice ax. Heart medicine. Son, don't go up that mountain. You'll die up there, just like I did. You? "Did"? Sure. It was the winter of '28.

"Where's my spy camera ?" Where's my spy camera ? Where's my spy camera, lady ? Every day for the last six months-- Where's my spy camera ? Where's my spy camera ? Where's my spy camera ? Here's your stupid spy camera !

When suddenly-- Well, I thought Dad was the problem.

I know I stand in line until I think you have the time to spend an evening with me and if we go someplace to dance I know that there'S A chance you won't be leaving with me And afterwards we drop into

All right. Let's see some I.D.'s, boys. You two scofflaws are violating curfew. I'm taking you downtown. Oh, uh, sorry to disturb you, Dr. Hibbert. Not at all, officer.

like A natural woman Oh, Baby what you've done to me What you've done to me

Awesome a-power!

And number three, that is a girl's bike.

This track has been abandoned since 19-- Uh-oh. Nothing beats flying across the country on a train.

wanna watch the Happy Little Elves again ? Okay, but you have to untie me First. Oh, Homer ! Oh, ho, ho, ho.

Sold, for 12 cents.

You let me down, man! Now I don't believe in nothing no more. I'm going to law school.

Uh, question for the barbecue chef. Don't you think there is an inherent danger... in sending under-qualified civilians into space? I'll field this one. The only danger is... if they send us to that terrible Planet of the Apes. Wait a minute. Statue of Liberty. That was our planet!

MALE VOICE: Doggone it. I am too old and too rich for this.

Pathetic humans. They're showing a Halloween episode. In November! Who's still thinking about Halloween? We've already got our Christmas decorations up. BOTH: Ho, ho, ho! Merry Christmas! (CHRISTMAS MUSIC PLAYING)

Oh, it's a miracle! I'll call you Babe. You'll be my best friend. So Paul and his blue ox Babe... traveled all across this great land, leavin' their mark.

the Western Hemisphere ! The dancin'est hemisphere of all ! Dancing, dancing, dancing

And Krusty. We gotta invite Krusty. I keep telling you, off camera he's a desperately unhappy man. But if we remind Apu and Manjula of why they fell in love, maybe they can work out their problems. Yeah! 'Cause if they don't--

I mean romance, not love. Mom, romance is dead. It was acquired in a hostile takeover by Hallmark and Disney, homogenized, and sold off piece by piece. That's not true. Romance is all around us-- in our neighborhoods,

Doctor, what's wrong? Don't you know where to make the incision? All right, Nick. Don't panic. Think back to med school.

Tonight, we'll answer some of your questions. Professor Lawrence Pierce of the University of Chicago writes: "I think Homer gets stupider every year." That's not a question, professor. But we'll let the viewers judge for themselves. Hello, my name is Mr. Burns.

- Didn't you have a thing with her? - Don't go there! Ullman shorts, Christmas show Marge's fling, Homer's bro Bart in well, Flanders fails Whacking snakes, monorail Mr. Plow, Homer space Sideshow Bob steps on rakes Lisa's future, Selma's hubby Marge not proud Homer chubby Homer worries Bart is gay Poochie, U2, NRA

our ratings are up 62%.

Oh. Me so "hungy." Of course you are, Hungry Hungry Homer.

I wanna quit and come home. I wanna quit and come home. Oh, honey, I heard you the first time.

Lousy "Smarch" weather. "Do not touch Willie." Good advice.

In light of your recent service to the school I've decided to be lenient. 400 days detention. 400 days. I can do that standing on my head. All right, 500 days. Ooh! Big man! 600 days. Maybe I'll just shut my big mouth.

Say, folks, what's all the ruckus? john Wayne? Will you guys turn that thing down? Sweetie, if we didn't turn it down for the cops, what chance do you have? He hit her again!

I haven't been in a play since high school, and I thought it would be a good chance to meet some other adults. Sounds interesting. You know, I spend all day alone with Maggie, and sometimes it's like I don't even exist. Sounds interesting.

So if you don't want to see crude, lowbrow programming disappear from the airwaves, please, call now. Hello! Murdoch here. $10,000! You've saved my network. Wouldn't be the first time.

Hey, Chief, look what I got in my Laffy Meal.

What? "N"? What does "N" stand for? No, no. It's a "Z." I am Zorro. "Z" for Zorro. I have come to return King Arthur to the throne. It's a history lesson come to life! No, it isn't. It's totally inaccurate. Quiet! Here come the ninjas.

What ya doin'? Now, don't upset the desk there. Careful! You don't want to horse around with-- Hey, cool! What does this do? Now, don't you pull that cord, young man! - No, no. Hey! - Whoops. Bar, my motor's gone loco!

Come on, baby. Please, please go in. Please. Doh ! Hi, Simpson. Having fun ?

Oh, Captain janeway. Mmm! Lace: the Final Brassiere. Oh, hurry up. I'm a busy man. This high-speed modem is intolerably slow. Hey. What the--

Mmm. Sixty-four slices of American cheese. Sixty-four. Sixty-three.

Makes you strong like Popeye. Popeye, papain.

Yeah. The doctor. Workin' 9 to 5 what A way to make A livin' ...and when ye tallow hardens, we remove it from yon mold. What a crappy candle. You've ruined our vacation.

Hey, Moe, what'll you give me for an A.A. chip? Uh, Barney, this is a five-minute chip. Ah, it's worth a Pabst.

Can I have a beer? All right. - But not the imported. - Homer! You've got to set limits, Marge. No beer! Get your T-shirts here! "I survived the Springfield riot!"

Listen, Son. There's something I have to tell you about our robot.

I can't read. But you just read that card from the Gersh Agency. I recognized the logo.

- Ohh! - Hey-hey-ho, Simpson.

Hey, Ansel Adams, let's go! Take the photo! Oh, wait, wait! I don't want Maggie's face hidden behind that pacifier. Don't worry, Mama. I can put a smile on baby's face. Okay, sugar plum. It's time to meet Mr. Funny Voice.

Oh, the bases were empty Excuse me, are you Colonel Homer Simpson? Yes, I am. I'm from Rebel Yell Records. I'm interested in buying Lurleen's contract. Forget it, pal. They don't call me Colonel Homer because I'm some dumb-ass army guy.

Hey, kids! Summer's just around the corner, and Krusty Burger... is the official meat-flavored sandwich of the 1984 Olympics! Coochy coochy coo! Krusty funny.

Da-da da-da-da Hey!

Hey, see the sign?

You are hereby expelled from Springfield Elementary! Boy, I can't believe you got expelled! Well, don't expect to spend all week lying around on the couch like a bum! 'Cause that's my thing! Bart, a school-sponsored medieval festival is supposed to be the best day of a young girl's life.

Bart, is that you? No!

We can't take his money. I can't take his money. I can't print my own money. I have to work for money. Why don't I just lie down and die?

This better work, boy. I don't wanna wind up...

"Third notice"? "Final notice"? "Some guys are coming"?

Gabbo! Gabbo! Gabbo!

Shut up! I'm not your clown! Don't diminish me! Gentlemen, I bid you fare-- Ow! Ow!

before we open fire! Uh, it's my first day! Quack, quack, quack.

I was standing right here when the horrible creature emerged from the woods.

Huh? What? Give those glasses to the bailiff. All right. - And those. - Oh! Your Honor, even though I've proven my client's innocence, I'd still like to call Freddy Quimby to the stand... so that we can all bask in his gentle decency.

Huh? Wha-- Oh, cacti! Ow! Aah! Ow! Aah! Ow!

Whoa, that's funny! There's only one way my show can compete with this. Book that animal that always chomps on my groin. Susan Anton? No, the lemur!

The rich are different from you and me. Yes! They're better! Socially better. And if we fit in, we can be better too.

Now, if everyone would open your prayer books. Aah! Well, boys, good thing we brought the eye soap. Ow! Ow! The burning is love!

Double stars! Everybody wins!

Oh, it's great to be indoors with my family. I'm really glad you're back, Dad. I knew you could do it. Now don't screw it up.

Well, how about this? This thing says my mother's still alive! She died when I was a kid! See that stone angel up there? That's my mother's grave! My dad points it out every time we drive by. Mr. Simpson, uh, maybe you should actually go up there. Huh?

Enjoy your gift.

I'll just throw back my legs and pollute my britches with delight.

Lookin' good, honey.

I am a washing machine. Do what I say. Take that! In the face! You knocked his block off!

Corpse you up and mail you to mama! Well, where'd he go? Oh, got my knuckles all lined up for nothing. Sorry, ladies.

We thespians believe it's bad luck to mention the name of this particular play out loud.

What an odd remark. Why, that looks like a 50-cent piece. I'll just bend over and get it. Seems to be caught... between these two flowers.

Take it easy, Marge. How about if we dope you up real good? Let me off! Let me off! Let me off! Let me off! Let me off! Let me off! Let me off! Let me off! Let me off! Let me off!

Hmm? Well, well. Finishing something? - Homer, did you eat that doughnut? - No.

So long, Simpsons. Bye!

I can't believe I was such a terror. Well, neither could your parents. That's why they brought you to me. Well, I'm afraid young Ned is unusually aggressive, but I can't seem to find a cause for it. Hey! Hey! Get down from that bookshelf, please! Most of those books haven't been discredited yet.

Hi, I'm Bart Simpson. I was incredibly moved by your reading. I don't think God's words have ever sounded so plausible. Thanks, Art. Um, I have to go over here now.

Duh, stay out of Riverdale!

My old man can't get a beer because his old man won't give a bear to another old man. - Let's get him! - Wait! Why are we gettin' him? Look, fellas. The first snapdragon of the season. Never mind! - Let's just get him! - Yeah! Uh!

Lise, no! It's prime time!

Okay. Flanders, you see... You soft-core sophomores took advantage of my trustful nature and sullied the Internet by putting pornography on it! NED: Get out!

A lion. Drederick Tatum. Your behavior is-- It's unconscionable. The Moody Blues! Cold-hearted Homer, ditching his wife, while ancient Ned runs for his life.

Hi, Abe. We heard you was in need of some cheering up. So we got you a special cake. Uh-oh. Better call the nurse.

and baffling desecration of our beloved sacred parchment, you are hereby banished from the Stonecutters forever. And as a final humiliation, you must walk home naked, dragging behind you the Stone of Shame.

Let's just write to David Bowie again.

w'w' f Radio: Rock] Thanks for the lift, Tony Hawk. I gotta go now, Tony Hawk. Cool guy, Tony Hawk. Bart, you know Tony Hawk? Please, I'm trying to keep it quiet. Catch ya later, Tony Hawk! Stay cool, Brett.

Bingo! Sanctuary! Sanctuary! Oh, why did I teach him that word? Quick. You gotta hide me from PBS.

Whoo! Privilege!

Bringing in the sheaves Bringing in the Oh, my Lord. Something horrible has happened! Fooled ya, Flanders. Made you think your family was dead.

Dennis the Menace? Yes. I was America's bad boy. I once hid my dad's hat! Uh-huh. And another time, I accidentally stepped in Mr. Wilson's flower bed. That was a two-part episode. I have to go.

Another strike for the Chosen One! Whoo-hoo!

That's what he wore to church! Oh, how convenient!

Fine, play the tape. Then everyone can see you've got the wrong boy. Wait! Mom, I don't want you to see this. I did it. Bart, I wouldn't have expected this even from you.

I'm firin' at the lasso, but the bullets just go through the middle! It's the ultimate weapon. Ooh.

Uh-oh. (MUTTERING NERVOUSLY) (DONKEY BRAYING) What did you say about my mother! (YELLING)

And now, the Top Hat Channel... is honored to present Broadcast Nudes. Ooh ! Gross ! Yet strangely compelling. - Huh ? - It's a raid ! What the-- YOu-- Hey, you ! I know you ! Come back here !

My Bologna has A first name it's h-o-m-e-r my Bologna has A second name it's h-o-m-e-r

Oh, and this lovely bag of cash. So long, suckers! Woo-hoo! That's not an F.B.I. badge. "Colgate Cavity Patrol"? Ohh! That guy was a grifter. Yeah. He conned us good. Well, at least we still have our jobs at the sweepstakes place.

Of course I saved them. Well, actually, there's only one and it's more of a love postcard from some brewery he visited. "Maybe it's the beer talking "but you've got a butt that won't quit. They got these big, chewy here..."

Now, who could that be at this hour? Yes. Yes. Up. Down. Side to side. What's your point? Ow!

This isn't one of those phony baloney promises I don't expect you to keep. If you make this promise, you have to keep it. Why ? 'Cause if you don't, I'll never believe anything you say... ever again. Aw, come on.

According to the gas chromatograph the secret ingredient is... love?! Who's been screwing with this thing? I'm sorry, but the secret ingredient dies with me. 30 cases of cough syrup. Sign here. I got hooked on this in the service.

Say the line, Bart. I didn't do it. Yea!

I can't believe it. He's blown it for sure. Ruined before it hit the ground. Get me the city desk. Here's your headline, Phil. "Burns Can't Swallow Own Story."

Real acid? Okay. Roll film! Tip the acid vats! And... action. Only Fallout Boy can save me now. Where's Fallout Boy?

Skinner? I'm Skinner. Seymour? Mother! She's my mother! Will someone remove that crazy man, please? No. No. He's-- He's not crazy. It's true.

Presents are material goods, and attachment to material goods kills the soul. (SIREN BLARING) I'm not going to jail again.

By the way, I'm aware of the irony of appearing on TV in order to decry it. So don't bother pointing that out.

What ? Marge ! Lisa ! Maggie ! Shake hands. Keep it clean. Come on, boy ! Excuse me.

Why, that's my husband ! His name isn't Bigfoot. His name is Homer.

You don't like it?

Yo, empty the register, dude. Okay, okay, you are the boss. Silent alarm activated! Oh, that's it!

Christmas with the California Prunes. (PLAYING JAZZY TUNE) Yeah... Oh, pruny night

Car gone! Car gone!

They don't call me Springfield Fats... just because I'm morbidly obese.

Two to two. Well, Homer, it all comes down to you. Football in the Groin! Football in the Groin! Well, we're not gonna resolve this deadlock anytime soon. Why don't we all take a five-minute break? It'll clear our heads. Good idea, Marge. My mind is going a mile a minute.

Homer, I agree with you.

Thank you, my dear. Please take these free tickets to my play. What? What play? We thespians believe it's bad luck to mention the name of this particular play out loud. You mean Macbeth? Quiet, you blundering fool! You'll curse us all!

Man smart, woman is smarter man smart, woman is smarter Man, this thing's really getting out of hand.

No sports, no rock no information For mindless chatter we're your station KBBL talk radio. And now, Springfield's favorite conservative... and author of the well-selling book, Only Turkeys Have Left Wings, ladies and gentlemen, Birch Barlow. Ugh! That Barlow's a right-wing crackpot.

CLANCY: That's where we found your daughter's things.

Apron Boobs-face?

Free comedy tip, slick. The pie gag's only funny when the sap's got dignity! Like that guy. Hey, Hal! Pie job for Lord Autumnbottom there! Oh, dear.

Cute kid. Oh, hi, Bart. I was just in the neighborhood... What? Krusty the Clown! What a surprise! Milhouse, you can come in, and drop the charade. Whoa! You don't have to be on tonight.

Homer! Homer! Homer! Now, now... that will do. Homer, for your bravery and skill we award you this ham, this plaque this discount coupon book and my own personal thumbs-up.

Twenty tons and four stories of car-crunching, fire-breathing... prehistoric insanity ! Whoa ! One night only. One night only. One night only at the Springfield Speedway this Saturday. If you miss this, you'd better be dead or in jail. And if you're in jail, break out ! Be there !

Wait, Chief. He's not purchasing a boat. Arr! It's kind of you to deliver these copies of jugs. They'll keep my men from resorting to homosexuality... for about 10 minutes. - Look who's talkin'. - Arr.

Gentlemen, our city's sucking down the juice like my wife at an open bar. Mr. Burns, can your plant handle it? No problem. We've siphoned off extra power from the orphanage. Who are they going to complain to? Their parents? But, sir, we're at full capacity. One more appliance could overload the system. Fear not.

Why, looking into this loveable mutt's eyes just melts my heart. Seymour, all is forgiven. Make way for Willie! I said make way for Willie, ya bloated gasbag! Seymour. Hmm? You're fired!

I'm gettin' agro on this kicker! Stomp that pickle revert! Excellent. Your lingo is progressing nicely. Can I go to the bathroom? Uh-uh! Say it in snowboard. Um, I gotta blast a dookie. Dook on!

What the hell is this? It's a Kisses-Make-Me- Boogie-o'-Lantern. Kiss it and make it boogie. Kiss it. Uh, maybe later.

I'm afraid we have no leads, but I can safely say Apu did not suffer. Looks to me like he suffered a lot, Chief.

Ah. I love these real Saturdays. They're so relaxing. Not like that fake Saturday that almost got me fired.

That painting has always sparked my imagination. That's it! A novel about whaling! That's something you haven't seen before. Thank you, Scene From Moby-Dick.

our glorious society's 1,500th anniversary, and in honor of this momentous occasion, we're having ribs.

seen this movie twice before, and I've seen you every night for the last 11 year-- Yipes! What I meant to say is we'll snuggle tomorrow, sweetie. I promise. Oh, enchiladas!

Answer the phone. I need a man!

Uh, Homer? Oh, right.

When are you gonna start taking responsibility for your actions? 'Cause I felt like it. You're not even listening. I know you are, but what am I?

Oi, oi, oi, oi, oi!

It's from my pen pal, Anya. Dear Lisa-- As I write this, I am very sad. Our president has been overthrown and-- Replaced by the benevolent General Krull. All hail Krull and his glorious new regime! Sincerely, Little Girl.

I challenge you-- What?

Thank you. thank you, everyone. And now, presenting the ninth wonder of the world-- the eighth being Gomer Pyle's heavenly singing voice-- I give you the Loch Ness Monster! Monty! Monty! Thank you. You're too kind.

(WHIMPERING) Children, you should be grateful you live in a country where childhood diseases have been practically... Karate! Ow! (CHUCKLING) (GRUNTS) Bart! That hobo skeleton is not a toy! This is ridiculous.

I know. T'oodley doodley. Kids can be a trial sometimes. All right, knock it off ! Knock what off, Simpson ? You've been rubbing my nose in it since I got here ! Your family is better than my family ! Your beer comes from farther away than my beer ! You and your son like each other ! Your wife's butt is higher than my wife's butt !

Daddy, what's the red stuff coming out of kitty's ears? Uh, uh, that's, uh, just raspberry jam. Dad, should I poke Rod with a sharp thing like the mouse did? No, son. No, sirree, Bob.

Hididilly-ho, neighbor! Get lost, Flanders. Okilly-dokilly.

I invested in something called News Corp-- Dad! That's Fox! Undo! Undo!

send in the clowns They're already here

Stradi-"who"-vius? Your teenage son or daughter will think this wishbone necklace is really cool. I doubt my son or daughter is that stupid.

the house raises from its foundations... and runs down the street and around the corner to safety. Well, the real humans won't, uh, burn quite so fast in there. Aye!

julius! Clancy! Skinner! Seymour! Mother. - Patty? - Cletus! Oh, uh, Barney. Clancy! Hey, come on! You did me twice!

We don't even go to the supermarket.

Boom! Boom it went! Boom! Just like that! They took a photo of my keister for Stars and Stripes! At least they told me it was for Stars and Stripes.

Where did you get that tutu?

Don't I get some kind of trophy? And a big awards ceremony?

You're a fraud-- A total fraud. It was nice meeting you. Wow! Adding machines. Industrial waste.

he will observe him through a powerful telescope.

At least you like the food. Oh, I like food, all right. I like pizza I like bagels I like hot dogs with mustard and beer I get the picture. I'll eat eggplant I could even eat a baby deer La-la-la-la-la-la La-la la-la Who's that baby deer on the lawn there Enough already! Sorry.

There they go, two criminal geniuses locked away together. Who knows what diabolical schemes they might concoct?

Well, we all gotta go sometime.

Apu! Oh! The searing kiss of hot lead. How I've missed you. I mean, I think I'm dying. - Uhh. - Oy. Well, you are a very lucky man, Apu. You see, the bullet ricocheted off another bullet...

He left his briefcase. Hey! It's full of shredded newspapers. Well, I guess that's it. People like us can't afford justice. Come on, Homie. Let's go before he fires you too. No! Mr. Burns, I'm not leaving until you say you're sorry for what you did to my wife.

It's with traffic. With traffic. Anyway, good night. Uh, hold on a minute. Let me have a look at that wheelbarrow, please. Okay. just as I thought! It's a Yard King! That is a quality barrow.

Mm-hmm. Oh, don't worry, folks. We'll find your wallet. Dogs! Chief, you're getting powdered sugar all over my floor. No, I'm not. No, I'm not. I'm, um-- - dusting for prints. - Ahh.

Prepare for the end! The end of high prices! What? Ooh. Behold! The grand opening of the Heavenly Hills Mall.

The mayor's office is not for sale.

Captain, there appears to be some sort of spirit from an Earth holiday past. Mr. Scott, fire photon torpedoes. It's no use, Captain. He's showin' visions of me future. God, I'm so fat! I said fire! That last one looked kind of good. Marge, TV and nightmares have joined forces to teach me a lesson.

Hey, get away from him, you little freaks. Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry. Oh, it hurts to talk. We'll have to work out a system of blinks.

As I'm sure you remember, in the late 1980's... the u.s. experienced a short-lived infatuation with Australian culture. For some bizarre reason, the Aussies thought this would be a permanent thing. Of course, it wasn't.

Let's go. New tires. Come on. Come on. We're goin' as fast as we can, m-- Hey, who are you? Oh, how rude of me. My name is-- My bad.

Ow! Dang it! Ow!

Gonna, wanna, shoulda. Willie, destroy it. He did do a bonny job, sir. Defying orders, eh? Well, I see you Scotsmen are thrifty with courage too. Okay, Skinner.

What the hell is that?

I gotcha. Hello, Mr. Thompson. Now, when I say, "Hello, Mr. Thompson"... and press down on your foot, you smile and nod. No problem. Hello, Mr. Thompson.

They were looking at me...

after Bart somehow put this tattoo on my butt.

See? Because of me, now they have a warning.

You're a tough cookie, Maggie, but I'm gonna win you over, just like I did with Lisa. Hi, honey!

I like the cut of your jib. What's a jib?

You know, I pride myself on being a good host, so I'm obliged to offer you a beer, but I'm so darn mad it's gonna be mostly head.

No, no. What she needs is a balsam specific. Balsam specifiC! oof-- While we're burning money, why don't we give her a curative galvanic belt too? Don't forget to give her Smeckler's Powder. Don't make fun.

Krusty, we're from the network. We have some bad news. I'm afraid your show's been canceled. I thought this would happen. I just hope you replace me with something as educational... and uplifting as I tried to be. Actually, it's a hemorrhoid infomercial starring Claude Akins.

Do these sound like the actions of a man... who had "all he could eat"? No! That could've been me! Homer, I've a proposition for ye, fair and true. Come on, Marge. Let the people see your pretty face.

So many shoppers! Damn this... Ow! Resilient economy!

- Careful! They're ruffled! - I'll take care of this.

I'm spoken for. Now step aside. I'll save Gloria myself.

Will I ever see you again? Sure, baby. Next meltdown. Heh.

Huh? Look at Burns's suit! Yeesh! What? Oh! Oh. I had an idea, Chief. Why don't we check out that suit Burns was wearing when he got shot? Did you have the same backwards-talking dream with the flaming cards? I'll drive.

Give me the bear. The bear. The bear! Here you go, Maggie. The deal's off, Mr. Burns. The bear stays here. You've made a mistake, Simpson.

I'm taking this thing to Mexico.

I think word of mouth is starting to spread.

No offense, Mom, but that was pretty cool.

Ow. Ow. Boy, I'm feeling this. Ow. Ooh, my head's gonna be sore in the morning. Excuse me. You're doing this station all backwards. Let me show you how to do it like a man.

we never think how I'll make it home oh, Louie, Louie oh, no, no, no we gotta go oh, no said Louie, Louie oh, baby say that we gotta go

or a sleazy male stripper? Can't he be both, like the late Earl Warren? Earl Warren wasn't a stripper. Now who's being naive? Look, you have to help discipline your son. All right, Marge. I swear to you-- the next time he does something wrong, I'll punish him and make it stick.

At our next high school reunion, I'll have nothing to be ashamed of. Hello, Dondelinger. Simpson. Is that a plunger stuck on your head?

I rarely feel the need to utter d'oh Top 'o the mornin', ladies. Bite us. I can walk from Springfield to Alaska Then hobnob with the stars in Malibu Hi, Homer. I'm actor Steve Buscemi.

Mmm, who am I kidding?

that people in small towns aren't quite as dumb as they think. Marge, look! This has spring snakes inside, but the suckers will think it's beer nuts. Mmm. Beer nuts. D'oh! Well, it was a lovely festival. The best movie won, and Mr. Burns found... there are some awards that can't be bought.

Yes, but-but the poncho-- Please, Homer, just leave us alone. Hmm.

Hey, Mrs. K.! Oh, Arthur! We're wasting more energy than Ricky Martin's girlfriend.

I'm sorry, Bart. You're too little. Here, Bart, you can hold my beer. Homer! What?

Why does it talk like a lamb?

Here's your money. You know, the problem here was water leakage. If you just buy a fifty-cent washer-- I've got a better idea. Get the hell out! Look, I've got some washers in my truck. I'll give you one. Marge, get my gun.

All right, Hans, time to go. But he ate my last meal. If that's the worst thing that happens to you today, consider yourself lucky. Are you really allowed to execute people at a local jail? From this point on, no talking.

But, Moe, yesterday, you called Homer a worthless sack of-- - Pipe down, rub-a-dub! - Ow.

Oh, look at all these tube socks! But at night it's a different world Go out and find a girl Come on, come on and dance all night Despite the heat it'll be all right And, babe don't you know it's a pity That the days can't be like the nights In the summer, in the city Oh, crap!

And everyone here tried their best. Well, my family and I can't live in good intentions, Marge! Oh, your family's out of control, but we can't blame you, because you have good intentions! - Hey, back off, man! - Oh, okay, dude! I wouldn't want you to have a cow, man!

I can taste that get-together now. Hey! I was holding that. Next time I'll knock your hat off, scab.

Homer, do you want your son to become chief justice of the Supreme Court... or a sleazy male stripper? Can't he be both, like the late Earl Warren? Earl Warren wasn't a stripper.

Hey, hey, hey, careful! You'll pop it! Wow. I've been A Cat, A tree and cokie roberts. It's happening again. I wonder where I'm going this time. What's that? Oh, yuck. That sandwich is full of meat! There's bacon. Canadian bacon.

Our top story: Killer dolphins. Killer dolphins? The recent "wave" of murders-- Um, di-did I say killer dolphins? I meant killer Italians. Gray, bottlenosed, intelligent Italians.

(ALL SCREAMING)

Hey, Pharaoh, those half-pint slaves are "exodusing" as we speak. Well, I say good riddance to bad rubbish. Okay. But who's gonna build your pyramids? Well, we Cou-- After them!

I put the tax forms on top of your "to do" pile a month ago. I have a "to do" pile?

Hmm. "Hercules Rockefeller.

the yarest river-goin' boat there be. I'll take it. Arr. I don't know what I'm doin'. Okeydokey. Everybody find a partner. Two dads to a raft.

ANNOUNCER: Next on ABC. Who's Dropping by to See George Lopez? We pray it's you! Open. Nelson, doesn't that hurt your teeth?

Ned, did you clip Ann Landers today? - Ann Landers is a boring old biddy. - Ned! I was more animal than man! My name is Otto. I love to get blotto.

Uh, I guess. Hey, that wasn't supposed to happen! Those finks double-crossed me! Poochie's dead! Well, kids, we all know that sometimes when cartoon characters die, they're back again the very next week. That's why I'm presenting this sworn affidavit...

"Live from New York, it's Saturday night!"

What the-- Hmm? Come on! Get out! Noodles, Seesaw, Oopsie, Lobsweat, Hoohah, jitters, Sir Wide Bottom! Oh. I'm stuck. Easy, boys. My bum. I'm sure I'm alive, but why?

Marge, how do I use the pressure cooker? Don't!

Whoa! A sword cane! Everything here is sword. Sword baseball bat. Sword rifle. Sword pineapple. Sword sword-sharpener. Sword pie. ts- Hey. What happened to the sword pie? What do I do now?

Do I smell cupcakes ? - Ooh ! Do I ever ! - Uh-uh, Homer. Lisa's making these for her teacher.

But I insist we do something tonight as a family. We'll play board games, put photos in an album, measure how much you've grown, and... What is your deal, anyway? Well, I... I... Let's just rent a movie.

we arrest them and beat them to the full extent of the law.

I once picked my nose till it bleeded.

Marge. Marge. Marge, get the door !

What do babies know? Maggie, can you point to the credenza? D'oh! Homer, you didn't do... a very good job frosting Maggie's birthday cake. What? It's not "Magaggie's" birthday? Oh.

You know, I pride myself on being a good host, so I'm obliged to offer you a beer, but I'm so darn mad it's gonna be mostly head. Homer, come back! That's my husband! He's our husband now.

there's only one word for that-- idiocy.

Have we got a family activity for you! A pillow case full of seashells from our trip to Sulfur Bay. You're gonna help us clean and organize them. And pry out all the dead hermit crabs. Get a screwdriver. I'll take my chances in the mystery wall!

This is Brittany and today's her birthday ? Well, happy birthday, Brittany ! How do you want to celebrate ? Do you want me to sing you a birthday song ? Or do you want me to shoot Sideshow Bob out of a cannon ? The cannon. The cannon. The cannon. The cannon. The cannon.

No wonder I was on the cover of Entertainment Weekly.

What? By saying Macbeth? Stop saying it! Saying what? Macbeth! Ah! Now I've said it! (CRACKLING) Ohhh! This is cool! Macbeth! Macbeth! Macbeth! Bart! Stop saying Macbeth! (CRACKLING) Mom, you said Macbeth! (CRACKLING)

You know, the whale is not really a fish. They're mammals, like you and me. - Is that true? - No.

Okay. Okay, calm down.

That board with the nail in it may have defeated us, but the humans won't stop there. They'll make bigger boards and bigger nails. Soon they will make a board with a nail so big, it will destroy them all!

Waldo, where are you?

Oh, now, now. There's no need to resort to violence. Aw, sure there is.

Hey, Einstein, put down your reading. - It's lunchtime. - You go ahead. Hey, you don't wanna eat? What you do, get one of them stomach staples? As Tolstoy said in Quotable Notables, "Give me learning, sir, and you may keep your black bread."

the limited edition double-edged lightsaber... from Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace. You removed it from its original packaging! No! It's no longer a collectible! Oh! Oh!

We got more gongs than the break-dancing robot that caught on fire.

What? (GRUNTING) (GROANING) (HEART BEATING)

- It's a new episode. - Not exactly. They pieced it together from old shows, and it seems new to the trusting eyes of impressionable youth. Really? Ren and Stimpy do it all the time. Yes, they do, and when was the last time... you heard anyone talk about Ren and Stimpy? Children, your father and I have fed you and clothed you,

Become a limo driver at Classy joe's.

I don't like the looks of those teenagers.

And as soon as you're not a human being, you're a human doing. Then what comes next? A human going! Bart, be quiet. Son, that's wonderful. Come here. Come up here. What made you yell out that remark?

Fancy pants! Charlatan!

Testing. Testing. You've really done it this time, Bart! You're in for the punishment of a lifetime! When do you expect the ringing will stop? In about 10 to 15 seconds! I certainly hope so!

Sir, we've never met before, but my name is Mr. Burns, and I want your daughter to help make me rich again. You mean Maggie? Ah. The baby who shot me. No. I was referring to your other daughter.

are no place for three unescorted ladies. And why are the kids here? Because we couldn't find Grampa to sit for them. And why is Grampa here? 'Cause jasper didn't wanna come by himself. Fair enough. Hello, beautiful!

Uh, I'd better just put it down. No offense, Mom, but that was pretty cool.

Well, of course I know. Sure. You really thought I forgot, didn't you ? Oh, right. What did you get her, Dad ? What did you get ? Uh, well, a very thoughtful gift. But it's a surprise. You know, it's such a beautiful morning, I think I'll take a little stroll around the block.

Hocus-pocus. Mucous "pukeous." My powers of deduction tell me... you're getting a handmade sweater, possibly yellow. Mom, make him stop! Bart, put down that yellow sweater. Nobody's going near their presents until 7:00 tomorrow morning.

Oh, Cletus. Tonight, you can knock me up again. Excellent. But put a little more apple in my cheek. It's apple-ing now, sir. Splendid! Now, let's see how I'm faring on the jumping box. You mean the television, sir?

Mmm. Another broccoli-related death. But I thought broccoli was-- Oh, yes. One of the deadliest plants on earth. Why, it tries to warn you itself with its terrible taste.

I thought I recognized you. I gave you a plate of corn muffins back in 1947 to paint my chicken coop. And you never did it! Those corn muffins were lousy. Paint my chicken coop! Make me! That does it. One of them has to go. Okay. Grandpa.

"Rusty" the Clown? Ah, Springfield gets the lamest balloons. Are you kidding? There's Funky Winkerbean! Over here, Funky! Look, it's the Noid. Avoid the Noid. He ruins pizzas.

Wait. I've got a good one now. Marge, say "Stay away from my son" again. No!

How I wonder what you are Thank you.

Oh, Rhett! Rhett! Oh, Rhett. Where will I go? What'll I do? Frankly, my dear-- I love you. Let's remarry.

I made some soap by squeezing soap slivers together. That's very clever.

I don't know what's in 'em. I just know I can't stop smokin' 'em! Wait a minute. Was that cat making out with that mouse? 'Cause if they were--

How about a big Olympic hello for Springy-- the Springfield spring!

But, Husband, without your weekly pittance, how shall we feed our children?

Here you go, Your Majesty. Next on Eye on Springfield a toast to Moe, wizard of Walnut Street. The Flaming Moe dates back to my forefathers who were bartenders to the czar.

You stink ! - Could you read that last part back to me ? - "You stink !" Heh-heh-heh. Good. You are a senile, buck-toothed old mummy... with bony girl arms, and you smell like-- - An elephant's butt ? - Hee-hee. An elephant's butt.

I aint cried like this since I paid to see Godfather ///

We've heard enough about Bliz-blaz and Him-ham already. Get to the bloody point! Do you, Charles Montgomery Burns, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife? I do. Oops.

Homer Simpson, defying all medical advice, has switched to Powersauce's archrival, the Vita-Peach Health Log. Doctors say he may not have the mega-nutrients needed to stave off death.

I brought something from my personal stash that'll blow some minds.

We're sick. We need leeches... and hacksaws to saw off our gangrenous limbs. But the Springfield Brigade was too brave to accept the surrender. Come on, boys. Those white flags are no match for our muskets. - Charge! - And the Springfielders...

Please don't tell anyone we're here. You've got to keep our secret, Homer. Homer, we're out of vodka. Tell the people, Homer. They have a right to know... about the celebrity summer house. Who the hell are you? What do you care? I'm telling you what you want to hear. All right, I'm gonna let you guys in on something.

Ew! You like The Monkees? You know they don't write their own songs. They do so! They don't even play their own instruments. No! No! That's not even Michael Nesmith's real hat.

Ow... oW. Good morning, Lisa. What are you so happy about? Why shouldn't I be happy? It's a beautiful day, my homework is done, I got my mojo working and we're going on a field trip this afternoon. And looks like I got me a genuine glow-in-the-dark police badge.

Be nice to your sister.

Lunch Lady Doris! Why are you here? Budget cuts. They've even got Groundskeeper Willie teaching French. Bonjour, you cheese-eatin' surrender monkeys.

For there will be no fire truck for little Bart, no sweater for little Lisa, no Cajun sausage for little Homer. So while you're home today... eating your sweet, sweet holiday turkey, I hope you'll all choke just a little bit.

Arr. I loved Splash, Mr. Howard. - It was totally, uh, uh, arr. - Uh, Miss Basinger? Those red pumps you wore in L.A. Confidential were fabulous. Where can I get a pair for my, uh, mother? She wears a 12 double-E.

Oh. Now, in case all that smiling didn't cheer you up, there's one thing that never fails: a nice glass of warm milk, a little nap and a total frontal lobotomy. It's not so bad, Homer. They go in through your nose, and they let you keep the piece of brain they cut out.

(SIGHING) Bart's right, I am a wiener.

Oh, Ned, I am so sorry. I never knew you were such a Beatles fan. Of course I am! They were bigger than Jesus. But your boy went Yoko and broke up my collection. Hey, boys will be boys. I am so tired of that tautology.

Why would Duff Beer put out a book? It was originally published to settle arguments in taverns. She said tavern. I'm going to Moe's. I never agreed to that rule!

My marketing plan attracted a record number... of police and fire officials, but few stayed to bowl. I failed. Quitting my dream job was the hardest thing I've ever done. You did a great job, Homer, and I'm really gonna miss ya.

Dad, it's the third Sunday of the month ! - You know what that means. - Go away ! Oh, Come on, Dad. I promise we'll have more fun this time. We're gonna see lions ! I can't go ! It's my girlfriend Bea's birthday. Oh, you have a girlfriend.

Okay, fair enough. But you sound like you're ready to become your own boss... in the exciting world of frame nudging. Yes. For a minimal franchise fee, you'll receive a pair of straightening gloves, a canister of wall lubricant, and a booklet of the most commonly asked questions you will hear, including, "Who are you?" and "What are you doing here?"

35 new shows to fill a few holes in their programming lineup. That's a pretty daunting task. And the producers weren't up to it. Instead, they churned out three Simpsons spin-offs, transplanting already popular characters into new locales and situations.

Don't stop thinking about tomorrow Don't stop it'll soon be here

Simpson, Homer ? Here ya go. Come on, son. Let's go cash this baby and get presents for-- Thirteen bucks ? Hey, wait a minute. That's right. $120 gross. Less Social Security, less unemployment insurance, - less Santa training... - Santa training ? less costume purchase, less beard rental, less Christmas club. But-- But-- See ya next year.

Tonight we salute the silver anniversary of the Great Springfield Tire Yard Fire. 25 years and still burning strong. We watch Springfield's oldest man meet Springfield's fattest man. He's not so fat.

You got the kid singing! I hope you're happy now!

We need money, fast. Well, well, well. Looks like somebody's gonna have to do some yard--

Lenny, how ya doing? It's moe. I got some class-three gossip here. Well, dish! Groundskeeper Willie-- You know, the guy in the skirt? He bought himself a mail-order bride. But he's too cheap to pay the C.O.D., right? So she's still in a crate down at the post office. You wanna go have a look-see? Ooh, this sounds juicy.

- Him? - Yes. Maybe it's the salt water in my veins,

Ah, I can't believe we ate a whole wedding cake. And an entire pan of funeral fudge.

Okay, everybody tuck your pants into your socks. And the bold new ideas these tiny tykes unveil for us today... could make thousands of jobs like yours... obsolete.

I can't let you down. I'll get some money somehow. Hello, Vegas. Give me a hundred bucks on red. D'oh! All right. I'll send you a check. If only I could think of an invention. Something that would really make money.

Yeah. I got something that's gonna make you a lot less jubilant.

Dad, was that your commercial? I don't know.

I won't drink at Moe's Homer's old garage is all I need I won't drink at Moe's Because Moe's a big jerk and a "she-male" too That calls for another beer. Barkeep!

A self-made man, like me. Bring this Grimes fellow to me. I want to make him my executive vice president. Yes, sir. Smithers, I've just seen the most heroic dog on television. He pulled a toddler from the path of a speeding car, then pushed a criminal in front of it.

- Governors Island. - Look! It's ZZ Top! You guys rock! Eh, maybe a little.

Ah, now there's the inflated sense of self-esteem.

(BRAKES SCREECHING) ALL: (SCREAM)

Hey, Krabappel, you get in the way of that bouquet, I'll stuff that sun hat down your neck!

No sports, no rock no information For mindless chatter we're your station KBBL talk radio. And now, Springfield's favorite conservative... and author of the well-selling book, Only Turkeys Have Left Wings, ladies and gentlemen, Birch Barlow.

All right, we're here. Let us never speak of the shortcut again.

What's that? A call from the president? Hello? Uh, yes. Let me just say this about that. Okay, Mr. President. Bart, this is boring.

Mayor Quimby even released Sideshow Bob, a man twice convicted of attempted murder. Can you trust a man like Mayor Quimby? Vote Sideshow Bob for mayor.

Stay away from me, Homer! Give me the bat, Marge. Give me the bat. Give me the bat. Come on. Give me the bat. Give me the bat, bat, ooh. Scaredy-cat.

Simpson, give me your newspaper ! Why should I ? I wanna do the crossword puzzle. No, I want to do the crossword puzzle ! - I said, give me that puzzle. - No. - Give me ! Give me ! - No ! NO ! Heh-heh-heh.

Bu-Bu-But the poncho! "Bu-Bu-But the poncho." Hit the road, square. Uh-oh. Oh, for cryin' out loud!

NO-O-o! Apu! Oh! The searing kiss of hot lead. How I've missed you. I mean, I think I'm dying. - Uhh. - Oy.

Hello, I am Plato. Please partake of keno, craps and the loosest slots in town. My philosophy is, enjoy. Change, please !

Ha! Mr. Sherman, I understand you have two Pulitzer Prizes. Well, it's not like I carry them around with me. Ooh, it's so hot in here.

Okay. Baldy boy hits wire, head comes off,

Do you really think you can capture the Loch Ness Monster? I mean, he's eluded Leonard Nimoy and Peter Graves. Peter Graves couldn't find ugly at a Radcliffe mixer. Hey. Hey. Let's see now. We have the Monsterometer,

And say hello to the state's first aqua-car factory. Keep 'em coming, boys!

We have to do something. Marge, it'll cost $8,500. We only have 500 in the bank, and that leaves... eighty-hundred we need.

You can fit your whole head in it. Don't be scared, jub jub. It's Mama. I would kill everyone in this room... for a drop of sweet beer. So, Homer, please feel free to tell us anything.

And now to celebrate life. Whoa! Bloody floor. No way I'm cleaning up this mess.

You guys rock! Eh, maybe a little.

Hocus-pocus. Mucous "pukeous." My powers of deduction tell me... you're getting a handmade sweater, possibly yellow. Mom, make him stop! Bart, put down that yellow sweater. Nobody's going near their presents until 7:00 tomorrow morning.

So, this driving on the left makes you feel more at home, huh, Hugh? And tonight, the following celebrities have been arrested. While Heather Locklear-Fortensky remains at large. Remember, if you see any celebrities, consider them dangerous.

And there's that awful script from The Cable Guy. Lemme see. Stupid script! Nearly wrecked jim Carrey's career! YOu-- I'm gonna-- What?

Out of the way. Milhouse, baby! Lionel Hutz, your new agent, bodyguard, unauthorized biographer and drug dealer-- uh, keeper-awayer. Leave me alone! Mom! Dad!

Mmm, mmm. So, to summarize: Say what you want about me. I can take the slings and arrows.

Smithers, I want that man killed.

So we'll March day and night by the big Cooling tower they have the plant but we have the power

Smithers, I can still sell them snake oil. Now, bring me a wine spritzer and don't be stingy with the vino. Yes, sir. So, Smithers it seems you've underestimated one Homer Simpson our next employee of the month.

Yes, uh, wrote it, uh-- Well, uh, good luck, "Liser." Thanks! I'll see you in heaven! Uh, yes, er, heaven. Oh.

Hey, wake up! We're moving! You just relax. I'll have you in jail by suppertime. You'd better. Hey, you're stealing my trailer! I like that.

Hi, Ultrahouse. Greeting acknowledged. That voice could use a little personality. Oh, let's try Matthew Perry. Yeah. Could I be any more of a house? Meh. Who else we got? Hey, Cha-Cha, I got more features... than a NASA relief map of Turkmenistan.

And the final from Riverfront Stadium: Miami 24, Cincinnati 10. - Yeah! - Yeah! Mom sure will be happy you won $50. You'd think that but your mother has this crazy idea that gambling is wrong even though they say it's okay in the Bible. Really? Where?

This is all because of Homer Simpson.

And that little boy who nobody liked grew up to be... - Roy Cohn. - Wow! And now you know the rest of the story.

Oh, yeah. Cool. Uh-oh. Eek!

What was Ed thinking ?

Thanks. You're an angel. What?

Exam? Oh! This is just like one of those bad dreams! What are you gonna do, Mr. Simpson?

And I want a bike, and a monkey, and a friend for the monkey-- You're not gonna start any fires, are you? At my house, we call 'em "uh-ohs."

No, Maggie ! Bad baby ! Keep her away from me, Marge ! She's got that crazy look in her eyes again !

Man, this place looks expensive! I feel like I'm wasting a fortune just standing here. Better make the most of it. Ow! Watch it, coney!

Rock and roll fantasy camp!

Oh, no. There's that angry mob again. Hey, look who's here, everybody. Oh, hi!

And a-ooga-booga to you too. May I tell you about our white-light specials? Absolutely not. My little girl's tummy hurts. - Do you have anything to stop her complaining? - Dad!

Lisa, come on. Your tomato soup is getting a skin on top. Fine. She doesn't get her skin.

Pray for Mojo. So, by waking up a little early and having some extra sheets handy, no one's the wiser. Tomorrow-- destroying the evidence. Ew. Uh, thank you, Milhouse.

That's it, I'm out of here.

Homer, Mr. Burns can't see you winking. So--

Oh, my God! Simpson's manager has flown into the ring and is airlifting him out. Ladies and gentlemen, whatever dignity remained in boxing... is literally flying out the window. Are you an angel? Yes, Homer. I'm an angel. All us angels wear Farah slacks.

And the Red queen's off with her head Remember what the dormouse said - We are so old. Yeah.

Oh, glavin! Why, glavin?

Thanks, little girl! The knee bone's connected to the... Something the something's connected to the Red thing the Red thing's connected to my wristwatch Uh-oh.

Oh! That was close. Bart, look at the watch! Milhouse, we broke the watch! Do you realize what this means? Yeah, but you say it first. (CLICKING REPEATEDLY) Oh, man. Things are stuck like this forever.

That plane crashed on my property! Look, Mr. Burns, we want to see some changes. For starters, you can reverse your sexist employment policies and hire at least one woman. All right. I'll bring in a woman. But I still stand by my hiring policies. Get back to work, Stewart!

Tee one up for me, cat-ty. Sure thing, mous-y. Nice follow-through. Now that's what I call a moon shot.

You know what? I have a ball. Perhaps you'd like to bounce it.

Oh, say can you rock There's trouble in a far-off nation Time to get in love formation

Fee-ee-ee-ee. Fee-ee-ee-ee.

I'm very mad at 'ou.

He's truly gone mad if he's thinking that. Well, he can't kill me if I kill him first! I'll kill you, you bloated museum of treachery! You and what army? Stand back! I have powers!

Thank you, Your Honor.

But it's got my name on it. just stand over there. Over there! Behold the flying machine that will carry me, Phileas Fogg, around the world in 80 days. Dang! I was aimin' for his head.

Okay. I'm bored. I'm restless. Need change in life. Like imported leather leash. Uh, blue contact lenses.

Burns, this is a big problem. You just can't throw money at it and make it go away. Gentlemen, I've decided there will be no investigation. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'll go away. You're in big trouble, Burns. Simpson's job requires college training in nuclear physics. You get your man up to speed, or we'll be forced to take legal action. Is that so?

Doh ! Anybody home ? Ooh, I've got to go, Homer. My sisters are here. Oh, eight carousels ! We're in For A real treat. Hello, steady customer. How are you this evening, sir ?

We have a tennis court, a swimming pool, a screening room-- If I want pork chops, even in the middle of the night, - your guy will fry 'em up ? - Sure. That's what he's paid for. Now, if you need towels, laundry-- Wait, wait, wait, wait ! Let me see if I got this straight. It's Christmas day, 4:00 a.m., there's a rumble in my stomach--

junk. junk. The airplane's upside-down. Stradi-"who"-vius?

Oh, Mindy, you came and you gave without flaking But I sent you BenGay Oh, Andy, you kissed me And stopped me from something And I-- Uh-oh. Dad, why are you singing?

Telegram for Lisa Simpson. Don't listen. It's a trick. Dear Lisa. Psych! Psych, psych, psych. Signed, super psych. I think he's trying to psych you out.

Four, ha-ya-yah. Three, ha-ya-yah. Two, ha-ya-yah.

From now on, the restraining order is set at 200 feet.

That's not what I was gonna say, but it's a good idea. Ha! Take out a sheet of paper. Books under your desks. But I'm supposed to-- I've got-- I'm supposed to-- Oh, Warren, I nearly forgot. All junior Campers are excused to attend their patrol meeting. Um, Mrs. Krabappel, I'd like to stay,

You gotta give me back my floor! My customers are walking around on the pipes. Hey, next time pay your bills. But I don't want to!

Look at all the names that own money... and have lots of money! Oh, he's poor. But look at all the other people that aren't p--

Ahoy, moon bounce! Is anyone alive? More alive than any of you squares! (GIGGLING DAZEDLY) (GIGGLING) HOMER: You're on my hair!

You broke a promise to your child. What? You promised Lisa to help her with her costume. You made her cry. Then I cried. Then Maggie laughed. She's such a little trouper.

Welcome to Fox News-- your voice for evil. Tonight we'll be interviewing the top two candidates... for Springfield's 24th Congressional District. For the Republicans, beloved children's entertainer-- Krusty the Clown. And for the Democrats, this guy.

Now, do you have extruded polyvinyl foam insulation? No. Good. Assemble the aluminum j-channel using self-furring screws. Install. What do I do in case-- After applying brushable coating to the panels-- Wait a minute. you'll need corrosion-resistant metal stucco lath. Wait a minute! If you can't find metal stucco lath-- Uh-huh? use carbon-fiber stucco lath.

Maybe you should see a doctor, Homie. A head doctor. I'm not crazy. It's the TV that's crazy! Aren't you, TV? The crisis? Charlie Bluhdorn's birthday. The solution? A snappy banner. Out comes the phone, in flies Bobby Towne... and six drafts later, I had myself a party. You see? Gibberish. All gibberish.

Success! They're giving in! Blast! I should have made more demands! Some decent local marmalade, for one. Oh, well, next time.

Folks, don't miss this Friday's show. It'll be my last.

Come on! I stayed up all night dyeing my underwear.

All right, family, I want the truth. Don't pull any punches. Am I just a little bit overweight ? Well, am I ? Forgive us, Dad, but it takes time to properly sugarcoat a response. Ohh !

Principal Skinner, this is your secretary. There is one last student here to see you. That's odd. I don't have a secretary or an intercom.

Aaah ! Oh, man. Let the record show that the witness... eventually... pointed to... Krusty the Clown.

It takes the genius of Carl Reiner and the rhythm and timing that only he and I-- Sir, today every country has a national anthem. Did they have national anthems 2,000 years ago? Sure. Sure we had. Of course we was caves. But every cave had a national anthem. I'll never forget my cave's national anthem.

D'oh! Ow! Oh, Lisa, thank God you're okay. D'oh! Ow! D'oh! Ow! You said to crush him, right? No!

You could give the money to the orphanage. I hear they need a new wall. Three is not enough.

Hey. Listen up. I want all of youse to say hello to the Simpsons. Hello! Has the whole world gone insane? Stand still! There's a spark in your hair! Get it! Get it! Get it!

You want me to get the cat down? No, thanks. Pull! Missed one, Dad. See you in hell, dinner plate.

Lisa, please join my family for a weekend in the country. There'll be hunting, charades and ever so many delightful romantic misunderstandings. Lisa! Lisa! Hey, Lisa! They're only using you for your pool, you know. Shut up, brain. I got friends now. I don't need you anymore.

Well, that was a waste of time. Janie, school is never a waste of time. Since we have 15 minutes until recess please put down your pencils and stare at the front of the room.

Mr. Simpson, this government computer can process over nine tax returns per day. Did you really think you could fool it? No, sir. I'm really sorry, sir. An older boy told me to do it. You're looking at five years, minimum. No, sir. Please, I can't go to prison.

"Name of groom," Bart Simpson. "Name of bride," Lotta Cooties. (LAUGHING MALICIOUSLY) (BEEPS) (WHITE WEDDING PLAYING) It's a nice day for a white wedding

Then they're gone. Oh! I missed one of Jerry's zingers. Now I'll never catch up. Mmm! Finally, a circus full of whimsy and wonder.

Whoa ! You certainly have a lot of bowling trophies. I like you so much.

- Ooh-ooh! - There she is. There she is, the world's first convenience store.

Uh-oh. I smell another cheap cartoon-crossover. Bart Simpson, meet jay Sherman, the critic. Hello. Hey, man, I really love your show. I think all kids should watch it. I suddenly feel so dirty.

Oh, don't stop. Oh, yeah. Faster! Faster! Faster! Faster! Oh, you do that like a pro! Oh, no. She's making him a sandwich! Use both hands!

Celebrate the independence of your nation by blowing up a small part of it. All right.

You're right. I gotta get where the action is. Comin' through !

This is everybody's fault but mine.

He's jumping out of the car, Kent! He's trying to climb over the fence! Now he's realizing he's too fat. He's digging a hole like a dog. Now he's given up on that and he's running back and forth. He's climbing into a pipe and he seems to be stuck. His legs are dangling in a comical fashion.

Duh, it's the company's fault for making you want it so much.

And as my first act, Mr. Burns, you’re fired! What?

- Oh, these have pleats. - just grab 'em! I'm okay, honey. Now listen very carefully. I want you to pull on the thing... that's near the other thing. You mean this thing?

A blackout? Every time Santa and I get together it's a disaster. Oh, no, the power's out? We'll miss Fox Celebrity Boxing! I heard tonight they have Ed Bradley vs. Mister Ed. It's terrible-- all the traffic lights are out. Driving sure is dangerous. Yeah, tell me about it.

Who is your favorite Indian pop singer? Oh, don't make me choose. Shankar, Shankar-- Oh, here we go. Oh! Sorry. You Make me feel so young you make me feel so Spring has sprung

Judge Snyder, motion to declare a writ of boys will be boys.

of the-e-e-e-e-e-e

Boycott Funzo! He's a toy-killing machine!

Hey, Boat 28, stop splashing. What are you gonna do about it? Uh-oh. Aah! Leeches!

Neddy! Neddy! He's gaining on us! I'm scared! Come on, Ned! Move this thing! I can't! It's a Geo!

Yes, everyone loves rules. It's so tough to be a parent these days, what with all the gangs and the drugs. Oh, yeah, drugs. You gotta have drugs. Hey, he didn't pay the cover. Oh, Bart, he's your father. We'll comp him tonight, start a tab tomorrow.

I use humor to reach my students. Dead Poets Society has destroyed a generation of educators.

Maybe I should have taken a nice calligraphy class. Oh, forget about it. That Mr. Takahashi's a lunatic.

(SUCKING) I used to love Springfield Park. But it's gotten so run-down. (MEN MOANING) (DOG HOWLING)

Don't you kids know anything? The serpent of Reheboam? The well of Zohassadar? The bridal feast of Bethchedruharazzeb? That's the kind of thing you should start learning at baptism.

Then that glory hog took all the supplies and headed for the top alone. I fell 8,000 feet onto a pile of jagged rocks.

Uh... "ladies and... gentlemen." just picture them in their underwear. Whew!

I'm not popular enough to be different. You have plenty of white shirts. Oh, gimme, gimme, gimme. Oh, no! Pink! Pink! Pink! It's all over, Marge! It's all over! I don't know how this happened.

Family, religion, friendship. These are the three demons you must slay if you wish to succeed in business. When opportunity knocks, you don't want to be driving to the maternity hospital... or sitting in some phony-baloney church. Or synagogue. Questions?

- Hi. - I have soy milk. The doctor says the real kind could kill me. I wish I was interesting like you.

If you offer Mr. Simpson a couple thou he'll be so dazzled he'll sign anything you shove under his nose. Oh, a cash settlement. I could have figured that out, you buttoned-down maggot!

Evening, Simpson. You've got a short in your taillight. Started blinking when you made that turn. Let's see your chauffeur's license.

Foolish dingo. You must find and devour the seven crystal babies... or spend eternity trapped in deep didgeridoo! I am so scared.

Oh, I know this story. The year is 19-aught-six. The president is the divine Miss Sarah Bernhardt. And all over America, people were doin' a dance called the Funky Grandpa. Oh, I'm the--

I pretend I'm interested in power tools going to silly car-chase movies and things I'll tell you when you're older. Do you understand? I think so. Bart! What? Oh, look at that.

We're going to eat at the dining room table like a normal family. Happy, Dad ? Yes. Good. Commence shoveling. No. We're going to say grace first. Okay. Rub-a-dub-dub, thanks for the grub.

Eh, Paul Harvey's on. Ooh! And that little boy who nobody liked grew up to be... - Roy Cohn. - Wow!

Okay, Marge. You hide in the abandoned amusement park. Lisa, the pet cemetery. Bart, spooky roller disco. And I'll go skinny-dipping in that lake... where the sexy teens were killed a hundred years ago tonight.

J You’re like X-Men number three in a Mylar bag J J You’re a brand-new muscle car and all the wheels are mag J J You make me feel as young as the blood I get from sheepJ J You’re like Jacqueline BissetJ J In me favorite film The Deep J J You’re sexy and exotic J

Okay, Meathook. I think he learned his lesson. Oh, man! Now you gotta eat that too! Oh!

Go home, Simpson! You let me down, man! Now I don't believe in nothing no more. I'm going to law school. No! Dad, maybe this will cheer you up.

Come and get 'em!

Oh, Aunt Selma. Always good for a Fin. Whoa, here we go.

Uh-oh. My beard. I broke my beard. Oh, my God! We can't let Homer know!

Lise, I've learned a valuable lesson here, the pen is mightier than the flaming bag of poop. Oh, it's beautiful! This is an outrage! Since when are public figures fair game for satire? Your goons did run her off the road, sir.

Silence, Seymour! We're in charge now. Your reign of fussiness is over. Attention. The school is now under kid control. You are hereby ordered to go nuts!

Nothing could spoil it. Absolutely nothing. Dum-de-dum-dum-dum Okay. Gun-- check.

Mr. Moe, steady as she goes.

Elmo go to wrong fundraiser. Bill Clinton? What are you doing here?

Uh, these aren't real X-rays, are they? Good question! We'll check into that. Okay. X-ray machine to full power, and... action!

I guess I'll have no trouble gettin' to sleep tonight.

You fluSh one down it swirls arounD 999 springs to fluSh down You're not flushing those springs down our toilet, are you?

This is the best day of my life. It's a good day for me too, baby. Now, smile. We're gonna be on every newsstand in the country. Mwah! Hey! Look what I snagged, Marge.

Did you ever sit like this? Yes, yes, that's it. Oh, I could go for one of those right now. Ah! The only hard part is getting up. Why get up? Here's a little move I've been tinkering with.

Hens love roosters geese love ganders everyone else loves Ned Flanders Not me! Everyone who counts loves Ned Flanders

As soon as Zed gets here, the party will begin.

Hey, whatsa matter, you? You crazy kid, you chasing away my business. Buzz off, Guiseppe. Pepe, go for the face!

What ? You heard me. I'm goin' to the dog track. I got a hot little puppy in the fourth race. Wanna come ? Sorry, Barney. I may be a total washout as a father, but I'm not gonna take my kid... to a sleazy dog track on Christmas Eve. Come on, Simpson. The dog's name is Whirlwind.

Fight and bite and bite Fight, fight, fight Bite, bite, bite You know, some of these stories are pretty good. The itchy & Scratchy Show I never knew mice lived such interesting lives. So much needless brutality. I don't know if I'm having any impact at all.

Someone dishonoring their marriage vows? Not in Las Vegas. Attention, all employees. We've got two runaways. Stop them. Oh, no! A lion.

Sure, but it'll cost ya. My wallet's in the car.

Groovy, dude. Burn down the barbershops! I hate America!

Hello, everyone. What a happy, happy day. Wow. I wish I had an elephant. You did. His name was Stampy. You loved him. Oh, yeah.

What a magical city. Can we come back next year, Dad? We'll see, honey. We'll see.

Hey! Whee! Where's my elephant? Where's my elephant? Where's my elephant? Where's my elephant? Hey, they're playing "The Elephant Song." I love that. Reminds me of elephants.

No. Don't you have health insurance at work?

Do we want Old Man Patterson here with his finger on the button?

You get to see what they do during commercial breaks. We'll be right back with a special report... on soccer moms who hate soccer. Clear! Oh, Lord. I'm so fat.

Oh! Hey, Chief! He splashed me! Look, nobody likes a crybaby, okay? You just splash him back.

Furthermore, to this beer, I would also like three of your finest, cheapest cigars. Here's my I.D. which confirms my "adultivity." Hmm.

The Soviet Union will be pleased to offer amnesty to your wayward "wessel." The Soviet Union? I thought you guys broke up. Yes! That's what we wanted you to think!

We thought we were God. Hoyvin-mayvin. Frink, you little weasel. I'll kill you. May I remind you we're in open court? I'll kill you, too. I'll kill you all. Mister Motherloving, that could be interpreted as a threat. I'll kill you while you sleep. Objection. Mmm, I'll allow it.

The Baby-sitter Bandit has left a trail of her daring nighttime robberies... across the continental United States. She could be lurking anywhere, about to descend upon another house full of unsuspecting dupes. Eee ! Wow ! In a moment, we will show you a picture of the real Baby-sitter Bandit, Miss Lucille Botzcowski.

Lisa, if we start conserving, the environmentalists win! Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Jingle Bell R-- Huh? Jingle bell what?

Americanize this, my good man. Okeydokey. All those coins were only worth three lousy cents ? Let the good times roll.

Yo, I'll tell you what I want what I really, really want What I want, what I want I'll tell you what I want

I'll mace you good! That is completely taken out of context!

But I'm a real tightwad. Can I afford this remarkable system? Absolutely. My prices are so low, you'll think I've suffered brain damage. You are fully bonded and licensed by the city, aren't you, Mr. Plow? Shut up, boy.

Once again the wheel has turned... and Dame Fortune has hugged Montgomery Burns... to her sweet, perfumed bosom. Somebody up there likes me, Smithers. Somebody down here likes you too, Sir. shut up !

Like the one in your brochure!

Four tickets for Shenani-Goats! Why is this movie PG-13? "It may contain brief rudeness, adult explosions... and scenes with Garry Shandling."

(LAUGHS MISCHIEVOUSLY) BARNEY: I guess you're just too smart for me, Bart. What? Ha-ha! Huh? (STRUGGLING)

Trust in yourself and you can achieve anything. All right! Now all we need is a name. How 'bout "Blabbermouth, the jerky Doll for jerks"?

No, Maggie ! Bad baby ! Keep her away from me, Marge ! She's got that crazy look in her eyes again ! So television's responsible.

Ever since you started therapy, all you can do is talk about yourself. Well, what about me, Marge? I just left my first session, and I haven't even opened my mouth yet. You see? You see? "I just left my first session, and I haven't opened my mouth yet."

Good God. I'm at war with a little girl. And I'm losing!

Now, the cat needs his medication every morning-- No problem. Can do. - and the furnace has been giving off-- - Right. Gotcha. a lot of carbon monoxide, so keep the window open. Cat in the furnace. Uh, you know, I think I'll take Maggie with us. And if anything happens, just use your best judgem-- just do what I would do.

Don't worry, Marge. America's health care system is second only to japan, Canada, Sweden, Great Britain-- well, all of Europe. But you can thank your lucky stars we don't live in Paraguay.

Sure. Sure we had. Of course we was caves. But every cave had a national anthem. I'll never forget my cave's national anthem. What was that national anthem? Let 'em all go to hell except Cave 76

And lo, what a wondrous message it is. Like this, from the book of... "P-salms." "God will shatter the heads of his enemies, "the hairy crown of those who walk in their guilty ways, that you may bathe your feet in blood."

Then why no pictures? Oh, there are pictures. I keep them where I need the most cheering up.

I know you can't understand me but you're a lousy dog and I hate you. Not now. Can't you see I'm reading a third-rate biography of Copernicus I found at the bus station? Dumb dog.

Hi, this is Corey. I hope you and I can get married someday. Hey, boy, where're you going?

No one knows how he got it, and danged if he knows how to use it. Mule. The name's Lanley, Lyle Lanley, and I come before you good people tonight with an idea. Probably the greatest-- Ah, it's not for you. It's more of a Shelbyville idea.

I'm gonna be sucked into a black hole! I'm gonna be sucked into oblivion! And what's gonna become of me on the other side? I don't know! I'll save you, Dad. I can't get any closer. You'll have to jump!

I know-- the window.

Ah, nuts. Hello? China? A little help?

I knew there was only one person who could reunite this troubled clan-- my old fraternity brother Willie Nelson. I'd do anything for keg-meister julius. So I cooked up a phony awards show.

Hey, hey! The Ribwich is back! The Ribwich! The commercials have come to pass. Try the new Ribwich. ts so good youll croak.

Don't you people see anything wrong with what Malibu Stacy says? Oh, there's something wrong with what my Stacy says. My Spidey sense is tingling. Anybody call for a web-slinger?

A guy could do great things with a gadget like that. Well, if you want one, they sell 'em at-- Yeah, a guy could do great things.

Scaredy-cat. You stay here till you're no longer insane. Hmm. Chili would be good tonight.

Hey, boyo, what's so funny? Well, it's-- Ah, you wouldn't be interested. It's too lowbrow. No, I'm quite lowbrow. Well, somebody just wrote a bawdy limerick on the men's room wall. This I gotta see! All the kids in Springfield are S.O.B.s.

Get help, luv. Call Interpol, get me a hacksaw, anything. It's not unusual it happens every day no matter what you say you'll find it happens all the time

If there's one thing America needs, it's more lawyers. Can you imagine a world without lawyers?

On the blockbuster channel ! Dad, why is the world such a cesspool of corruption ? Oh, great. All right, what makes you say that ?

All right, boys. Let's get this tape back to the lab for analysis. We have a lab? Yeah. It's that room we keep the Christmas decorations in. BART (RECORDING): Uh... No, no. I mean... (POPCORN POPPING) What is that noise in the background? Maybe I can isolate it. (REWINDING)

Wellity, wellity, wellity. Stop that!

You can do it, Otto! You can do it, Otto! Help each other out! That'll be our motto! You can do it, Otto! You can do it, Otto! Make this spare, I give you free gelato! Then back to my place, where I will get you blotto! Domo arigato, Mr. Roboto. You can do it, Otto! You can do it--

Krusty clowned his way to the top of a personal mini-empire... with dozens of endorsements, including his own line of pork products.

Maggie, call Aquaman!

Is he the same as "jack be nimble"... and jack Frost and Little jack Horner? Say, how about a little NyQuil? All gone.

Meet me at the tree house, Bart. And come alone.

All right, Pigs, beat those Gougers! Well, I could've been equipment manager, but no!

Where's Lisa Simpson? Come on up here, Lisa. Well, how about that? Smart and modest. Well, I should be going now. These giant checks don't hand themselves out. Okay, people, let's have a round of applause...

Oh, you stupid dryer!

(WOMAN SCREAMS) (THEME PLAYED IN SINISTER TUNE)

Three, ha-ya-yah.

It's funny because it's true. Well observed.

Sandwich. Geez, we hardly made a dent in that 10-foot hoagie. Well, I'll give it a good home. Mm! You've been eating that thing for a week. I think the mayonnaise is starting to turn. Two more feet, and I can fit it in the fridge.

I live in a single room above a bowling alley... and below another bowling alley. Wow. I'm sorry. Isn't that-- Yeah, that's me, all right. And the guy standing next to me is President Gerald Ford. And this is when I was on tour with the Smashing Pumpkins. Oh! And here's a picture of me in outer space. You... went into outer space?

Oh, no! Chinese fire drill! Serious this time!

No! It's stuck on my hand! This shouldn't be too hard to fix-- with the right tools.

Homer, I got a really wicked idea that could get us into a lot of trouble. Oh! Mindy, we have to fight our temptation. No, Homer. Let's do it. Let's call room service! Oh. Someone is charging room service to the company, sir.

Extra, extra! Ripper strikes in Whitechapel. Boy for sale. Boy for sale. Is this legal, man? Only here and in Mississippi. Oh, Shary Bobbins, this is ever so much fun.

Say, let's take a relaxed attitude toward work and watch the baseball match. The "Ny" Mets are my favorite squadron.

All right! Here comes the implosion. "Implosion"? But I thought you said-- Hockey puck!

Shoplifting began here in ancient Phoenicia. Thieves would literally lift the corner of a shop... in order to snatch the sweet, sweet olives within. Oh, Sheheqazaramesh, will you ever learn?

If I went to a barbecue and there was no meat, I would say, "Yo, goober! Where's the meat?"

Corpse you up and mail you to mama! Well, where'd he go? Oh, got my knuckles all lined up for nothing. Sorry, ladies.

Hello, I was wondering if you'd like to babysit my little angels. Sorry, this isn't Abbie. This is her sister. I look after her now. No, Bart, put it down. Put it down, Bart. Bart, put it down.

Dad, you can't take revenge on an animal. That's the whole point of Moby Dick. Lisa, the point of Moby Dick is be yourself. You're not going and that's final. D'oh! Fine! But do you know how ridiculous you look right now?

If anybody looks at me, I got a hypodermic full of bleach.

some steamed toast and a dodo egg. But I think the dodo went extinct--

What's that, Patty ? Nothing. Finish your steak. Look at him wolf down that gristle. Mm-hmm. It's an accident waiting to happen. Do you know the Heimlich Maneuver ? No. Good.

They didn't have any aspirin, so I got you some cigarettes. Maybe my headache will go away once the show starts.

Really. Well, I'm from Utica, and I've never heard anyone use the phrase "steamed hams." Oh, not in Utica. No. It's an Albany expression. I see. You know, these hamburgers are quite similar to the ones they have at Krusty Burger. Oh, no. Patented Skinner burgers. Old family recipe. For steamed hams.

You stupid kid!

Oh, there's something I used...

it's on a cable news channel. When we explain our side of the story, the hate calls will end. I won't have to hear "Suck my such and such" or "hell this" and "bitch that." We get it, Mom! Oh, no, no, let her finish. Look, what should I say to make people not hate me? Son, I've learned one thing in this life.