comb.io - Clips

Maude Flanders. Oh, isn't that nice? Homer Simpson, Marge Simpson, Lisa Simpson, that little baby Simpson. That is all. Whoo-hoo! Did you hear, Bart? Eh-- Oh.

Show's over, folks. Go home! What about our five bucks? You get it after you leave. Now get outta here.

(MARGE SCREAMING) (SCYTHE SLASHING)

But Cecil just voluntarily confessed, Chief. That's some good work, Lou. You'll make sergeant for this. Uh, I already am sergeant, Chief. Perhaps you are. But I say Bob goes back to jail.

Is it possible all your misbehavior and miserable grades... have been caused by a simple vision disorder? You mean it ain't me noggin', it's me Peepers? Oh, well, that's just "loverly."

Uh, please, everyone! Stay away! We don't want anyone to be a hero! A hero! A hero!

Mm! You've been eating that thing for a week. I think the mayonnaise is starting to turn. Two more feet, and I can fit it in the fridge.

I've been wanting to tell you off for years, but I never had the nerve. Um, I don't know you. My wife and your wife are friends. We met just three hours ago. You stink ! You and your whole lousy operation stinks ! I quit ! Oh, uh-- Gee, don't quit. All right then.

even lashed out at him, but this man has turned every cheek on his body. If everyone here were like Ned Flanders, there'd be no need for heaven. We'd already be there.

I wouldnt go to jail. The legal owner ofthis plant would- Canary M. Burns. This entire plant is in his name. So when they come to put C.M. Burns in jail... it's the canary that does the time.

The wife that I told her I had. I do not have a wife! Then maybe you shouldn't have told her you did. Oh! She's going to be here any second. Oh, yes! That will buy me some time. Homer, you've got to help me.

You'll love it. It's not quite breakfast, it's not quite lunch, but it comes with a slice of cantaloupe at the end. You don't get completely what you would at breakfast, but you get a good meal.

Springfield has ever known-- Birchibald T. Barlow!

Uh, excuse me. This is a hot set. No visitors. It's my room. Well, if you want, you can sit on this. Teamsters are sleeping in my room. We're just resting our eyes. 'Cause the thing is there are no bad kids. Ow! You stepped on my arm! Sorry. Daddy thought you were a pile of cable.

Party! Party! Party! Party! Party! Party? Now this is living!

and a tiny green space alien named osmodiar that only Homer can see... on Fox this fall. It'll be out of this world. Right, Osmodiar? Damn straight, Troy, my man. Good night, America!

I'll help you Carry on For it won't be long till I'm gonna need

All right. That's it. I've been scorched by Krusty before. I got a rapid heartbeat from those Krusty Brand vitamins. My Krusty calculator didn't have a seven or an eight! And Krusty's autobiography was self-serving with many glaring omissions. But this time, he's gone too far! We want Krusty! We want Krusty!

Well, then, what can we do to make you happy ? I wanna go back to my old class. Oh, but, Bart, don't you remember the boredom, the ennui, the intellectual malaise ? Yeah, well, you know, kinda, um, but I was thinking I could go undercover.

Missed me! Stupid horoscope.

(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)

Well, you could make my evening complete. What's wrong?

Now see here! Do you know how much I donate to the B'nai B'rith? Actually, I do. Goodbye.

So let history come alive. ALL: Yeah! Wait! Let me take out my contact lenses! (GROANS) Pelt all you want. But revenge will be Willie's! (SCREAMS) That was a stapler!

My worm went in my mouth and then I ate it. Can I have a new one? No, Ralph. There aren't any more. just try to sleep while the other children are learning. Oh, boy! Sleep! That's where I'm a Viking. Lisa, what did I ever do to you-ou-ou?

I'll be right back.

If Maggie could talk, I'm sure she'd apologize for shooting you. I'm afraid that's insufficient. Officer, arrest the baby. Yeah, right, Pops. No jury in the world's gonna convict a baby. Hmm, maybe Texas.

Oh, gosh, Homer. This is strictly a Flanders affair. I got family here from around the globe. Here's josÉ Flanders. Buenos ding-dong-diddly-dÍas, seÑor. - And this is Lord Thistlewick Flanders. - Charmed. Eh, a-googilly-doogilly.

Don't worry, buddy. Here's a quarter. Call for help at the nearest phone. I'll keep an eye on things here. If only this sugar were as sweet as you, sir. Homer, that was downright decent of you. We hit the jackpot here. White gold, Texas tea... sweetener.

My God! That maniac is headin' straight for us! Go, Secretariat! Go! Ow! Hey, it's Dad. Right on time. We're gettin' out of here now. jump in, Marge. Trust me. Throw the kids. No time for the baby. We're not jumping, Homer.

Now, look, I'm the doctor here. Well, I demand a second opinion. Hi, everybody! Hi, Dr. Nick. Oh, dear. I see no signs of life. - just to be safe, we better pull the plug. - Yoink!

Eat my shorts. All right, I'll eat-- Eat your shorts? Yeah, eat my shorts. ButtmaN na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na buttman Buttman?

Hey, Chalmers. Where are you from? Huh? Well, I was born in Queens, went to Ball State, then made the move to Intercourse, Pennsylvania. Uh, why do you ask? Don't worry, sir. I'll teach these children some respect for their town. I'm assigning each of you 20 hours of community service. Community service? No, no! Intercourse?

Go ahead, Marge. Have a ball. What if they came back and I was dead from not eating? They'd cry their eyes out. "We should have never gone to the Flanders'. "Why did we go to the Flanders' and leave Homer alone with no food?" And I'd be laughing-- Laughing from my grave. Heh, heh, heh.

shake your booty ow, if you Can you can do it very well you're the best in the world I can tell

I'll give him what for till he cries brassafrax!

Yes, you're right. I remember now. I-- I watched that entire show. In fact, I left the town meeting early so I could get home in time. Oh, I gotta run, or I'll miss the opening rank-out.

Okay. Your wish is my command, my little--

Be careful, Dad. Oh, Lisa. It's just war games. It's not like a game could hurt me.

By your logic, I could claim this rock keeps tigers away. - Oh, how does it work? - It doesn't work. Uh-huh. It's just a stupid rock. Uh-huh. But I don't see any tigers around here, do you? Lisa, I want to buy your rock.

Yeah. Yeah. Except you were supposed to be telling the story of how I got my saxophone. D'oh!

but mostly great anger. There are perfectly logical explanations for everything that happened. The bonfire sent soot into the air, which created rain. And with all the trees cut down, a flood was inevitable. Yeah, but what made the rain stop? I dunno. Buddha?

Now, to take the ferry cost a nickel. And in those days, nickels had pictures of bumblebees on 'em. "Give me five bees for a quarter," you'd say. Now, where were we? Oh, yeah! The important thing was that I had an onion on my belt, which was the style at the time.

Is there anything you need? Well, you could make my evening complete. What's wrong? My whole romantic life is flashing before my eyes.

I keep telling ya. I just grow sorghum here. Uh-huh. And where are the hookers? Round back. Oops. But first, she was a university honor student who devoted her life to kids... until the night a grossly overweight pervert named Homer Simpson... gave her a crash course in depravity.

I don't care if it's bad news. Oh, Grampa, you're not busy, are you? Well, you're really asking two questions there. The first one takes me back to 1934. Admiral Byrd had just reached the Pole, only hours ahead of the Three Stooges. I guess he won the argument, but I walked away with the turnips.

Consider yourself fired!

In the red trunks, with a record of 48 wins and no losses, the undisputed champ of this house, Battling Bart Simpson ! Whoopee, whoo ! And in the lavender trunks, with a record of zero wins and 48 defeats--

Yea! Marge, someone squeezed all the life out of these kids. And unless movies and TV have lied to me, it's a crusty, bitter, old dean. Hi there. Hello. I'm Dean Peterson, but you can call me Bobby. I just want you to know, if you ever feel stressed out from studying or whatever,

La-dee-dah! I wash my face! Where did you get that tutu? Clothesline. (GIGGLING) And we deserve a French teacher who actually speaks French!

An army of dogs! No bully will ever touch me again! Hey, jerk-face! You have the face of a jerk! All right, Simpson, you asked for-- Get 'em, boys!

Aah ! Put 'em up.

Schnell! Schnell! Schnell! Uh-uh. Nope. Try joining a gym. Oh, ye gods!

You lay off my girlfriend's ex-husband. Geez. I don't remember this much bad blood when I was a Cavalry Kid. I was a Pre-Teen Brave.

Class dismissed.

D.M.Y. What's D.M.Y.? "Don't mess yourself." Ew! Yeah. That's why we changed it to D.M.Y.

Hey, Ansel Adams, let's go! Take the photo! Oh, wait, wait! I don't want Maggie's face hidden behind that pacifier. Don't worry, Mama. I can put a smile on baby's face.

All right, mister, you want trouble, you're gonna get trouble. Oh, I want trouble, all right. Then you're gonna get trouble. No, you're gonna get trouble. Oh, that's good. That's good, 'cause I want trouble. Then we're agreed. There'll be trouble. Oh, yeah! Lots of trouble. - Trouble it is! - For you. D'oh!

I knew it! Who's your girlfriend? Mrs. Krabappel. Hmm. Hmm. Bart, this is your teacher? I'll start going to parents night. Homer!

Water's boiling. Quick. Chuck him in. Uh-- - Come on. Chuck him in. - Okay. Let's go. In the pot. In the pot. But, Marge, look at this little guy. Looks like an ordinary-- Ow! Son of a--

If you don't get that kid an elephant by tomorrow, the Dj-3000 gets your job. Looks like those clowns in Congress did it again. What a bunch of clowns. How does he keep up with the news like that?

Burning off my excess lard I rarely feel the need to utter d'oh Top 'o the mornin', ladies. Bite us.

Where ya headed ? Catfish Lake. Oh, after General Sherman, are ya ? Wait a minute. Who's General Sherman ? - He's only the biggest catfish in these parts. - Oh, yeah ? - They say he weighs upwards of 500 pounds. - Who says that ? They do. Oh. That there's the only known picture of the General.

Uh, hi. - Hi. - I have soy milk. The doctor says the real kind could kill me. I wish I was interesting like you. - You're funny. - I am?

Why do you think your mother and I sleep in the same bed? Because we're poor? Exactly. And we're poor because we have kids. And the biological method by which children are created by a man and a woman is... (BART SCREAMS) BART: Then the man...

Taxi! To the airport! On closer inspection, these are loafers.

All right! A people tooth. Gummy Sue, this is your lucky day. There. Now Is like Britney Spears.

Hey, everybody ! Here comes my brother, Bart the bully-killer !

Now, what you see here is the radioactive dye we injected... flowing through your husband's circulatory system. But, Doctor, I haven't injected the dye yet! Good Lord. Hi. Now, Homer, this is a new body fat analysis test. I start you jiggling and measure how long it takes to stop.

It smells funny in there. No, it doesn't.

All right. You listen up, you little freaks! The fun stops here. You're gonna shut your stinkin' traps and behave, damn it! This is one substitute you're not gonna screw with! Marge Simpson.

a magic xylophone or something? Boy, I really hope somebody got fired for that blunder. Uh, well, uh-- I'll field this one. Let me ask you a question. Why would a man whose shirt says "genius at work"... spend all of his time watching a children's cartoon show?

All right, Simpson. I don't like you, and you don't like me. - I like you. - Um, all right.

Oh, my God! Okay, we'll call it even if I can just have some of that big sandwich. Oh. I'll come back. Bart, are you okay?

Dear Lord, please take Mr. Bunny up to heaven.

I haven't seen you in school before. Okay, Simpson ! What ? You just bought yourself another day of detention. Maybe we should get together sometime. Two days ! - I don't even know your name. - I'm Homer... Three days ! Four days ! Five days ! j... Simpson. It was worth it. Six days ! Okay, Simpson ! To the back of the room !

They got this thing called a "fire drill." They use it to drill a flaming hole in your head. And there's only one big toilet, and they make you all go at the same time. The kids at school were even worse.

Boy, some of the best times I've ever had were in the back seat of a car.

one so unbelievable that it must be hidden from the public at all costs. - You see-- - Stop! You're asking me to live a lie. I don't know if I can do that. It's remarkably easy. just smile for the cameras and enjoy Mr. Troy's Wild Ride.

Well, you gotta hand it to those dolphins. They just wanted it more. I kinda wish I hadn't freed their leader and, you know-- doomed mankind.

I'm a dot. I'm gone. Okay? What do you mean I gotta give two weeks notice? Why, you damn, frickin', no good mother-- cheese! No, not you. I'm just talkin' to my oven.

Like Marge becomes a robot Maybe Moe gets a cell phone Has Bart ever owned a bear Or how 'bout a crazy wedding Where something happens and doo doo doo doo doo Sorry for the clip show Have no fears We've got stories for years

What do they do there, Dad? I'm a member. What do they do? What don't they do? Oh, they do so many things, they never stop. Oh, the things they do there. My stars. You don't know what they do there, do you? Not as such, no.

Mono-- D'oh! Monorail! Monorail! Monorail! I still think we should have spent the money to fix Main Street. Well, you should have written a song like that guy. Thank you for coming, Mr. Lanley. I'm Miss Hoover.

Aah ! Uh-oh. I, uh-- I think the boy's hurt.

Two minutes younger, skin like a China doll and bosoms till Tuesday. Well, don't worry. There's still plenty of fish in the sea. Right, Homer ? Oh, yes. Plenty of fish. We just don't have any bait.

Dad, I have as much respect for you as I ever did or ever will. Oh !

So, Todd, I want you to shoot Daddy if he tries to get back in. - Okay, Dad. - Okay. Que sera, sera Whatever will be will be

Uh-huh. "Myth: Cable piracy is wrong. Fact: Cable companies are big, faceless corporations, which makes it okay." See, the clown is a treasure that will last a lifetime. Cable. It's more wonderful than I dared hope.

Never go on the teacup ride after eating at Beauty and the Beast's Fried Dough Chateau.

Blue chips closed up three and three-quarters. Oil service stocks slumped slightly on the news of-- Son, you shouldn't watch that other channel. It's only for mommies and daddies who love each other very much. Promise me you won't watch that channel ever again. Okay. Promise me ! I promise I will never watch that channel again.

Hello, Principal Dondelinger. Oh, Marge Bouvier. It's so good to see you.

They have Simpson D.N.A. It could have come from any of us. Except you, since you're a Bouvier. No, no, no, when I took your father's name, I took everything that came with it, including D.N.A. Okay, Mom. Anyway, my point is... the evidence isn't as concrete as it seems.

and in honor of this momentous occasion, we're having ribs.

Ooh! Pretty colors. Me want a drink. Oh!

Thanks for your help with the anchor, guys. Guys? That pig looks like Lenny. Hey! Mmm! That's the next best thing to eating Lenny.

You can't drive. You're only 10. You're going hunting. You ever been huntin' before there, Barty? Nope. Something about a bunch of guys alone together in the woods-- seems kinda gay. That is a very immature attitude, young man.

Think unsexy thoughts. Think unsexy thoughts. Think unsexy thoughts. Ew!

So it was the dog that buried all our stuff. Yes, the dog. Oh, my God! He's got the precious cable-TV cable!

Six, ha-ya-yah.

Six by 14! (ALL GASP) Bart Simpson, I hereby sentence you to six months at the Springfield Juvenile Correctional Facility.

Oh, my God. Space aliens. Don't eat me. I have a wife and kids. Eat them! Silence! We are travelers from a certain nearby ringed planet... whose name we'd prefer not to mention.

Would you like us to sing you a special song? - Hell, no. - You got it. Ready, Señor Beaveratti? I'm a-ready. And a-one, and a-two...

Grape. Mmm. Hello, Annette. How's life, handsome? Take a penny, leave a penny. Hey, she called me "handsome." She likes you. Put in a good word for grape. Come on, guys. We're gonna be late!

Bart, with these powers, we can become superheroes. Okay. So do it already.

Why, the only cure is bed rest. Anything I give you would only be a placebo. Where do we get these placebos? Maybe there's some in this truck!

An alligator with sunglasses? Huh! Now I've seen everything.

Hmm. A flaming bag, eh? Well, these new Italian loafers will make short work of it. Uh, I'm kinda busy on Saturday. Hey! We got Skinner's underpants! And there's nothing you can do about it, Mr. Ex-principal.

Lisa, kids are the problem. Maybe kids can be the solution! Okay. But how? Hey, I'm the visionary. You come up with the nuts and bolts. Hmm... Oh, my God! I just had my most brilliant idea ever! Don't you mean "my" most brilliant idea ever? You don't even know what the idea is.

Baby made a boom-boom.

just slide it under the door. Yes. Tomorrow.

and I'm gonna cook the best damn breakfast he ever ate. Hmm. Hmm.

And one and two and three and reach and five and six... Marge, honey, I got five words to say to you: and seven, eight, and one, two-- Greasy joe's Bottomless Bar-B-Q Pit. Hmm. Homer, remember you promised you'd try to limit pork to six servings a week ?

- You know who it reminds me of? - Benji? No. Lassie? No, no, no! A person. You know who I mean. Snoop Doggy Dogg? Bob Barker? David Brenner? No, no! The person who's always standing and walking. - Rory Calhoun? - That's it!

And, babe don't you know it's a pity That the days can't be like the nights In the summer, in the city Oh, crap!

I feel terrible. Mm-hmm. Sometimes I forget that we have things... a little better than the Simpsons. I drag him over here. He has a few beers. - You can't blame him for erupting. - Mm-hmm. And then I turn into a snarling beast. Talk about flunking the old turn-the-other-cheek test.

See these ? American doughnuts. Glazed, powdered and raspberry-filled. Now how's that for freedom of choice ?

Mmm. - That's the kind of talk that makes me want to marry you. - Oh! But instead, I'm leaving town forever.

So, what prize did you end up getting? Mustache comb. What'd you get? Fake mustache. Wanna comb it? This sucks.

Oh. There's a homecoming parade, a cocktail party. Then the big game between Springfield U and Springfield A&M. I hate Springfield U so much. You went to Springfield U. You hate A&M. So much.

S-S-So cold! Your lips are turning blue. I think you better stay home. No! Duff Gardens. Hurrah! We really appreciate you taking the children on such short notice.

Yes, this should provide adequate sustenance for the Doctor Who marathon.

Oh, Bart. Why couldn't you have gotten a paper route like other boys? Wait till I get you home. What's that guy doin' here? Lionel Hats, court-appointed attorney. I'll be defending you on the charge of... murder one! Wow. Even if I lose, I'll be famous.

Moe. What are you doin' here? I, um-- Well, I-- I never touched her. Homer, I swear, I never touched her. Here's your water, Moe. I didn't ask her for no water. She's lyin', Homer. She told me you were dead. That's the only reason I-- I didn't do nothin'! Bye, Moe.

I was wrong to have a dream, wrong as usual. I mean, if you're nothing special, why kid yourself? Oh, Mom, no. Listen to your mother, kids. Aim low. Aim so low, no one will even care if you succeed. Dinner's in the oven. You want some butter, it's under my face.

So, Krusty, what are you gonna do about your tax problem? Don't sweat it. The life of Rory B. Bellows is insured... for a surprisingly large amount.

Homer, what are you going to do? Crazy scheme, crazy scheme, crazy scheme-- Get me tools and beer! Yes! Free service, here we come. All right. Let's try the red one. Okay. I'll try... the green.

f Panting f [Record Scratching f

I'm so proud. My dad will be the grand finale of the Thanksgiving Day parade. Wanna rehearse, Dad? I don't need to rehearse. Ho, ho, ho! Merry-- - Line. - Christmas. Wha-- Let me see that.

I will stop them. I am strong. I am the Great Humongous! We all know you're the Great Humongous! Well, I'm just saying-- Oh, you're always just saying.

More, please. Good Lord. This can't be happening. By all medical logic, steam should be shooting out of his ears. His ears if we're lucky!

Twenty black. Holy Moly, you're winning ! All mine, all mine. Beat it ! You're crampin' my style ! You gotta quit while you're ahead. You gotta take your money and leave now ! Sorry, boy. I have to get enough to help everybody. But you could lose everything. Come on.

Well, as the tree said to the lumberjack, I'm stumped.

And so, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I rest my case. Hmm. Mr. Hutz, do you know you're not wearing any pants? What?

Tonight, we'll visit Springfield's answer to the Benedictine monks-- The Rappin' Rabbis. Don't eat pork not even with a fork Can't touch this!

Ahh-- Oh, no. Willy didn't make it! And he crushed our boy! - Ugh! What a mess. - Oh! I don't like this new director's cut.

Yes, thank God those days are over. And the Van Houtens were enjoying a storybook marriage. Yeah. Lots of storybooks have witches. - Shut up, Kirk! - Sorry. And now, the good people at Fan-demonium, as part of a generous settlement, will fire a 21 T-shirt salute.

Well, we'll see. You know, most faces need a little remodeling, but this is a total teardown. Let me clean up this mess I made. Hey, hey! Hey, that really burns there! Oh, stop it. You're worse than Faye Dunaway.

A beaut from Butte. Miss South Carolina. Nothin' could be finer. - Miss Delaware. - She, uh-- Good for her. La, la, la, la, la, la, la Marge, keep it down in there! Homer, my audition is in half--

Homer, what is it? Slow down. Yer getta ferda redda oura.

To heaven! Oh. Christ be with you. D'oh! Hi. I've created the first intra-bovine ice-cream maker.

Give me all your balloons. I hope this works. These are for you if you let me use your cherry picker. Well, I've already got some balloons, but they're not this nice. Deal!

then by all means vote for this sleazy lunatic.

(CHUCKLING) Bagpipes getting down with an octopus, that's classic.

We'd be much better rock breakers if we weren't all chained together. - Ow! - No talkin'. You know, you catch more flies with honey than with vinegar. Ow!

Hold on to your pitchforks, everybody. It's time again for Ya Hoo! Starring, in alphabetical order, Yodeling Zeke, Butterball jackson, Freddie Boy and Yuma, Cloris Moselle, Big Shirtless Ron, Orville and Hurley, Gappy Mae,

Pick the red, get ahead. Pick the black, set you back. Hmm. I don't recall authorizing this booth. Good-bye, gentlemen.

I'm the guy with nothin' and no one. No, no. Dont try to stop me. We're not. Your sleeve got caught on that tree. - Here, let me unhook you. Off you go. - Yeah, thanks. Gee- Ha- This is the second most guns ever pointed at me.

It was a beautiful wedding. I've never seen Selma happier. That reminds me-- Troy said something interesting last night at the bar. Apparently, he doesn't really love Selma, and the marriage is just a sham to help his career. Well, enough talk. Let's snuggle. What? Oh, my God!

My mind is going a mile a minute.

Yeah, I knew we wouldn't win. Well, why didn't you tell the rest of us? Why did you keep it a secret!? If you were 17, we'd be rich. But no, you had to be ten. And the final number is... 49. 38... 49!

You'd kneel before me. Boy, would I! Yes. Uh, then I'll form my own religion with its own symbol. We'll use this special "K." I believe that's already a breakfast cereal, sir. - And people worship it? - In a way. All right then. Uh, how about this? Uh, why don't you leave the symbol to me, sir?

Sir, this is a house of justice, not a sugar shack. It's Hershey highwaymen like you who made me fat.

Oh, that submarine is so fake. Look, you can see the strings. Ooh! An octopus! - Shh! - What?

Ah! Oh! That's raspberry. Oh.

they did the mash they did the monster mash the monster mash it was A graveyard smash they did the mash it Caught on in A flash they did the mash they did the monster mash

I'm way ahead of you, Dad. Kno-ock Simpsons, I'd like you to meet our ambassador, the Honorable Avril Ward. Hello. Now, everything is all set for Bart's apology. Mr. Conover will meet you at the Parliament House at 3:00 p.m. Any questions? - Yeah. Do the toilets go backwards in here? - No.

Hello there, Itchy. I know there's a lot of people who don't like me and wish I would go away, and I think we got off on the wrong foot. I know I can come off a little proactive, and for that I'm sorry. But if everyone could find a place in their hearts for the little dog nobody wanted,

Marge murmurs, Maude croaks Lisa Buddhist, Homer tokes Maggie blows Burns away What else do I have to say

Wouldn't it, Flanders?

Thank you. This has been one of the most magical evenings of my life.

Now Martin's scoring off me. Oh, that is it! Listen up, everybody! Follow me! What's going on, huh? What's happening, Simpson? Where are we going anyway? Okay, crew. Set your faces to stunned.

This is the greatest injustice in the history of the world! Well, we have to run. I'm sure you kids will work things out. Good night. But-- uh-- uh-- Make sure he brushes his teeth, Lisa.

birthplace of the atomic bomb.

Look at this place. Somebody ought to build a town that works. Somebody did.

Do you hear that, Bart? That was the tardy bell. "Truant! Truant! Truant!" they'll all say! Ah, who needs him? I can have fun all by myself. - S'all right? - S'all right. - S'all right? - S'all right. - S'all right? - S'all right.

i should send a list of these names to the I.R.S.! i'm taking them all down! Oh, look at all the rich people! Oh, look at that rich-- Shh! Don't shush me, you rich bastard!

I've decided, starting Monday, all students will be required to wear uniforms.

Oh, Miss Krabappel. Oh, your hair smells so... clean. Master, you are needed in the kitchen. I said cover for me, damn it !

Hey! Leave my dad alone. just because he's overweight doesn't mean he's bad. He's a sweet man, and he has real feelings. What are you kids lookin' at? Hey, look. He's tryin' to get up to yell at us. Don't make me close that shade!

So that's what's been wrong with the little fella. He misses casual sex.

And in environmental news, scientists have announced that Springfield's air... is now only dangerous to children and the elderly. Whoo-hoo!

Oh. You mean like the time Barney beat up George Bush? Barney? That was me! And I'd do it again. Why stop there, Homer? My militia has a secret plan... to beat up all sorts of government officials. That'll teach 'em to drag their feet on high definition TV! - You're under arrest for conspiracy! - Oh! Oh!

It just makes things worse. Leave it in as evidence. Bazooka joe's got deep pockets. Perhaps I can help. My papa is foreman of the DÜsseldorf Gum Works.

Wow. Look at that ad. All right, this place must be hot. They don't need a big ad, or even correct spelling. I agree with that logic. Get me two plane tickets to the state that Springfield is in.

Ay, ay, es Homer Simpson. Me ha molestado. ¡Oh!

Dad, do you think you might have been brainwashed? I have not been brainwashed. Kill the girl. Kill the girl. Homer! What? What did I say?

Oh, the best charity is to give and not let other people know. But what if your example encourages others to give? Speaking of charity don't you think it's time you forgave your son? My boy broke my heart! He turned his back on our traditions on our faith, and on me.

If we can keep these down, we'll be sitting pretty.

All right! Scud the school, dude! No, stop. Think of the children. Not the church! Jesus lives there! The frame store? You monster!

That's right. And as my first act, Mr. Burns, you’re fired! What? That man's mad! Smithers, get this bedlamite an alienist! No! ts entirely within my power. Furthermore, there never were any nuclear inspectors.

Okay. But how? Hey, I'm the visionary. You come up with the nuts and bolts. Hmm... Oh, my God! I just had my most brilliant idea ever! Don't you mean "my" most brilliant idea ever? You don't even know what the idea is. I know you have an ugly face. Bart, why are we fighting? Because we're kids.

Some party, Homer. Shut up, net-face. - Hey, you're in the net too. - I said, "Shut up, net-face"! Oh, we're gonna die, and I never tasted cantaloupe! Eh, you didn't miss much. Honeydew is the money melon.

Aha-ha! Prepare to die! You too. Aah! Rope burn! Oh! Oh! Charley horse! Charley horse! Aa-aah! Aah! My mouth! I, eh--

Anyhoo, the key to fathering is don't overthink, because overthinking is, um-- What were we talking about? Ooh, a clown!

Thank you for coming. Thank you for getting me out of work. I'll be blunt. Bart's latest escapade... goes far beyond the realm of the high jink. There. Now the floor is as good as new. My sport goggles!

Yeah. He helped me blast through the burn and ride the zone. Yo, yo, Rainier, my man. How you doin'? I thought you'd be here pumping those guns. We've come up with a killer promotion for Powersauce bars. Picture this. YOu-- I love it. climb the highest mountain in Springfield. The Murderhorn.

(LAUGHS) Heart disease can strike anyone, including heavy-drinking, chain-smoking clowns! That why I had the doctor install a zipper! - Up, down, up, down. Huh? - (WHISTLING) (CHUCKLES) (PANICKED GRUNTS) Ah! The zipper's stuck!

I can't believe you bought that plow. We can't afford it. If you're gonna get mad at me every time I do something stupid, then I guess I'll just have to stop doing stupid things. Good. Fine. I'll never ever do another stupid thing. Good night. - Oh, Homie. Didn't that hurt? - No.

How can I prove we're live? Penis.

I guess so. But we need him back by 6:00. It's his birthday. Okay. Ow! Hmm.

Superintendent, I hope you're ready for mouthwatering hamburgers. I thought we were having steamed clams. D'oh, no. I said steamed hams. That's what I call hamburgers. You call hamburgers steamed hams?

Lisa, what's the answer to number seven? Sorry, Ralph. That would defeat the purpose of testing... as a means of student evaluation. My cat's name is Mittens.

Shh! Quiet. You'll wake up old man Simpson. Hey, no more trampoline. Let's jump on the car instead.

And our new number one hit "I Do Believe We're Naked" by Funky See, Funky Do replaces "We're Sending Our Love down the Well," which plunges all the way down to number 97.

The answer is no. What's wrong with this country? Can't a man walk down the street without being offered a job? We'll have to go to the next-most-senior man at the plant. Here we are. Ten years' experience. His name is--

Oh! I hate this place! Why am I here? You are on a quest for knowledge. Who said that?

Hello. Is this Krusty the Clown? Is this the callback for that porno film? Look, I was a little nervous that day, but I'm all man, I can assure you.

This romance is so full of heartfelt passion. I can really identify with this corn-fed heroine. Homer, are you awake? This is important. Give me some sign you're awake. Wake up!

Marge, I'll be on my best behavior. You have my word as a gentleman and a lady. Now let's see. Which rifle should I bring? (GRUNTS IN DESPAIR)

This whole thing was a joke? Oh, I've never been so relieved. Relieved and angry. So wait a minute. Wait a minute. You tied up the judicial system, costing the city millions of dollars, just for a TV show? Yes. And I'm gonna be in the show? Yes.

I'm reminded of a few of the events that brought me closer to you. The collapse of the Soviet Union, premium ice cream price wars, dogs that were mistakenly issued major credit cards and others who weren't so lucky. And so, farewell. Uh, and, uh, don't forget to look for my new column in PC World magazine.

I'm Krusty the Clown, and I don't like you. I'm Krusty the Clown, and I'm going to kill you. Didn't even pull the string that time. I said I'm going to kill you. You, Homer Simpson. Oh, yeah? With what? Aah!

Well, if that don't put the "dink" in co-inky-dink. Flanders, what are you doin' here? I'm having a kidney and a lung removed. Who are you donating 'em to? First come, first serve. What are you in for? I got a bad heart. If I could give you my heart, Homer, I would. Shut up, Flanders.

Yeah, that's swell. Duff wholeheartedly supports the designated driver program.

I didn't ruin Thanksgiving. She did. Bunch of jerks. I always get blamed for everything. And, Lord, we're especially thankful for nuclear power, the cleanest, safest energy source there is, except for solar, which is just a pipe dream. Anyway, we'd like to thank You for the occasional moments...

Hey, I got an idea. We can play a game to pass the time. Uh, I'll make the sound of a barnyard animal, and, uh, y-you all try to guess what it is. It's a pig! It's a cow, man. It's a pony!

Fresh Khlav Kalash! Get your Khlav Kalash! Hey, could you go across the street and get me a slice of pizza? No pizza. Only Khlav Kalash.

Sorry, this isn't Abbie. This is her sister. I look after her now. No, Bart, put it down. Put it down, Bart. Bart, put it down. Oh! No all-you-can-eat seafood. I wore my extra-loose pants for nothing.

Whoo, whoo ! 'Cause I speak of the pompatus of love Hey, Homer, you're late for English. English ! Who needs that ? I'm never going to England. Come on, let's go smoke.

Our new hyper sugar gives you 300% of your minimum daily sweetness requirement. Hmm. Do you suffer from diabetes? No. Well, you do now.

Nightclub owner, Moe Syzslak. His bar was closed because of Burns's negligence. Liquor connoisseur, Barney Gumble. When Moe's closed, Barney lost his only means of support-- sucking coins out of the love tester machine. That's a real good way to get sick.

Ooh! Look at me. I'm making people happy. I'm the magical man from happy land in a gumdrop house on lollipop lane. Oh, by the way, I was being sarcastic.

Oh, boy, that's-- Oh, come on! Ow! And that's how Paul Bunyan started the great Chicago fire.

Remember, it's Bi-Mon-Sci-Fi-Con. Be there and be square. Well, beats work. Yeah, beats school. Sorry, we're all full.

Bart Simpson, will you stop raising your hand? You haven't had one right answer all day. Sorry.

It seems I will never sell these She-Hulk vs. Leon Spinks comics. Worst crossover ever. Yeah. Shoo, nerds! Shoo!

What are you waiting for? Wreck the school. You know you wanna. I agree. Destroy the school. Hmm.

Well, what a lovely gift. Gotta run.

There once was a man from Nantucket, who--

¿ Donde esta los medicos de Mexico ?

Aah! It's the Rapture! Quick! Get Bart out of the house before God comes!

Inevitably, the behind-the-scenes turmoil... took its toll on their TV series.

Then I'd like to legally change my name. What name would you prefer? Any of these will be fine. Hmm. "Hercules Rockefeller. Rembrandt Q. Einstein. Handsome B. Wonderful." Oh! I'm going to give you the only name you spelled correctly. From this day forward, your name shall be-- "Max Power"?

for 12 of the past 25 years.

Oh, yeah? They think they're better than us, huh? Bart, c'mere a minute! You c'mere a minute!

Oh, no. Aliens, bio-duplication, nude Conspiracies-- Oh, my God, Lyndon LaRouche was right!

Hey, German boy! Go back to "Germania." I do not deserve this! I've come here legally as an exchange student. Young man, the only thing we exchange for you is our national dignity.

Now, children, while you're having quiet time, I'm going to make sure my desk is exactly parallel to the rear wall. Oh, there's something I used...

The Catholic Church-- we've made a few changes.

Ping Ping just asked Sim Sim to marry him, and I think she just said yes. Aw. Ha! You ain't goin' nowhere, cutie.

My purpose in life is to witness this moment.

I'm so funny. This is gonna be great. What are you doing? I'm writing a delicious send-up of Mr. Burns for his birthday party. Is "poo poo" one word or two? I don't think it's a good idea to humiliate your boss on his birthday.

Wow... chocolate, half-price!

You soft-core sophomores took advantage of my trustful nature and sullied the Internet by putting pornography on it!

(THUNDER RUMBLING) We're losing altitude. Time to dump all unnecessary weight. What? Don't dump me out! I can lose weight! Just give me a chance! One, two... Ah, I'd rather die.

Oh, quit cogitating, Steinmetz, and use an open-faced club-- the sand wedge! Mmm. Open-faced club sand wedge.

Last night's Itchy and Scratchy was, without a doubt, the worst episode ever! Rest assured that I was on the Internet within minutes... registering my disgust throughout the world. Hey, I know it wasn't great, but what right do you have to complain? As a loyal viewer, I feel they owe me. What? They've given you thousands of hours of entertainment for free.

My baby. Where's my baby?

Hey, this is taffy. Police brutality! Mmm. And chew-tality. Mmm.

And so, Herschel Krustofski... is gone, but not forgotten.

Monorail! Monorail! Monorail! I still think we should have spent the money to fix Main Street. Well, you should have written a song like that guy.

than seeing a man get hit in the groin with a football. Ha-ha! Well, Homer? Marge, I've got some serious thinking to do.

You and I are gonna make our own talking doll. She'll have the wisdom of Gertrude Stein and the wit of Cathy Guisewite. The tenacity of Nina Totenberg and the common sense of Elizabeth Cady Stanton. And to top it off, the down-to-earth good looks of Eleanor Roosevelt. All right.

Oh, I hope I haven't upset you, bongo head! Oh, I should be resisting this, but I'm paralyzed with rage... and island rhythms.

Thank God it's Wednesday! - It's Friday. - Uh-oh. Wrong pills. Uh, little help?

Great story, Homer. Really. The alien has a sweet, heavenly voice, like Urkel. And he appears every Friday night... like Urkel! Well, your story is very compelling, Mr. jackass-- I mean, Simpson.

(SCREAMING) Everyone okay? (ALL GROANING) (RATTLING) Uh-oh. You can't leave now. We're the only thing stopping Mr. Burns!

is you. I guess I should explain. Laura's father and I divorced two years ago. They're so sweet when you marry them. But soon, it's just career, career, career. My hammock! Do you understand? Mine! Don't look that way!

When are you gonna start taking responsibility for your actions? 'Cause I felt like it. You're not even listening. I know you are, but what am I?

And-- Wait. Where's Lenny? Hello? Can anybody hear me? I think I found a way out. It's not pretty, but it'll do. All right, look, we gotta do something about Bunyan.

No! You're fired!

I want his cat and his dog dead. Wait, wait, wait, wait. Who is before the cat? just kill the mayor. Y-You're not mad at me, are you?

Oh, this is the best gift of all, Homer ! It is ? Yes. Something to share our love... and frighten prowlers.

I'm saying... you're what's wrong with America, Simpson. You coast through life, you do as little as possible, and you leach off decent, hard-working people-- like me. If you lived in any other country in the world, you'd have starved to death long ago.

I can't believe it.

but you're living in a world of make-believe, with flowers and bells and leprechauns... and magic frogs with funny little hats. - Yeah, Mom, we got hosed ! - Bart ! We got exactly what we wanted out of this.

Ahh! Sweet liquor eases the pain.

Or as we say around here, "left as rain." just stamp it.

Wow. You got everything, Homer-- Even the Oscar polish. Honey, why don't you give that thing a rest? You're taking the finish off. When you win one, you can take care of it however you want. Whoo-hoo. Meow.

Homer, this is Floyd. He's an idiot savant. He can multiply any two numbers in his head just like that. Five times nine. Forty-five. Wow! This guy is the chief.

it won't be long till happiness steps up to greet me raindrops keep fallin' on my head

From now on, no cannonballs, no spicy foods, and when you lie in a hammock, please... rest your beer on your head or your genitals.

There are only 49 stars on that flag. I'll be deep in the cold, cold ground before I recognize Missouri.

The lottery-- exploiter of the poor and ignorant. You know, I heard the jackpot's up to $130 million. $130 million? Did you say $130 million? Yeah. Wow!

Do you have a better idea? Now, I know we love the puppies very much, but I think they're getting to be a problem. Yeah, they ate all my socks! I have to wear Lisa's to school today. How do you explain the culottes, boy? Well, I have to coordinate.

I'm greeting a lovely Dutch couple at Gate 23. Cheerio. Wow! I can't believe we met Mr. Bean!

You mean I get five percent off everything in the store because I look like-- I mean, just because I am Krusty the Clown? How could I charge full price to the man whose lust for filthy magazines... kept me in business during that first shaky year? Oh, by the way, here is your new issue of Gigantic Asses.

Ow! Ow! Ow! What the hell is wrong with you?

Chocolate microscopes? You know those guitars that are, like, double guitars, you know? More rubber stamps. Principal Skinner, this is your secretary. There is one last student here to see you. That's odd. I don't have a secretary or an intercom. But send him in.

I love my work. Oh, the best charity is to give and not let other people know. But what if your example encourages others to give? Speaking of charity don't you think it's time you forgave your son?

Oh, Homie. Is that what's bothering you? Mm-hmm. Well, the one sure cure for the blues is to talk it over with your life partner. You're right! I can't believe it, moe. The greatest feat of my life is already forgotten. Geez, HoMer. I've never seen you so depressed.

So that's it after 20 years-- so long, good luck? I don't recall saying "good luck."

Dad, according to junior Skeptic Magazine, the chances are a 175 million-to-one... of another form of life actually coming in contact with ours. So? It's just the people who claim they've seen aliens... are always pathetic lowlifes with boring jobs. Oh. And you, Dad.

Hand over all your money in a paper bag. Yes, yes. I know the procedure for armed robbery.

What? We need more information.

Some party, Homer. Shut up, net-face. - Hey, you're in the net too. - I said, "Shut up, net-face"! Oh, we're gonna die, and I never tasted cantaloupe! Eh, you didn't miss much. Honeydew is the money melon.

Come on. We just wanna eat your skin. Go to hell, cloaky!

No! Not Brown! Brown. Brown. Brown.

There's gum in my hair!

Don't come off all high and mighty with me, Patterson. You can't scare me with your office and your desk and your lamp. I'm not trying to scare you. I'm trying to get my work done. Oh, oh, oh, I get it. Put on a big show for the cameras. What cameras? Why are you still here? I came to fight city hall. I want to shake things up, Patterson.

Why this sheep has strayed from my own flock. His name's-- Homer Simpson, sir, a low-level employee... in sector 7-G. Simpson, huh ? A family man ? Wife and three kids, sir. I'd like to see our self-styled Valentino tomorrow morning, Smithers.

Parole granted.

You've made an old jazzman happy, Lisa. You must avenge my death, Kimba. I mean, Simba. Luke, I am your father. This is CNN. Will you guys pipe down? I'm sayin' good-bye to Lisa. We're sorry.

Oh, my God. What'll I do? What'll I do? What's the matter with you, Homer? We don't have any fruits or vegetables in the car. The whole trunk's full of 'em, Marge. Got any fruits or vegetables?

We are not paying this bill.

(GASPING) (CHOKING) (GRUNTING) Homer, we've gotta get Lisa!

So, Flanders, what do you think of the house that love built? Aw, shoot! Ohhh!

Hey, hey! Hey, hey! Hey, hey! Lazy, eh? Get him, boys! Wake up! Wake up! Wake up! Okay, okay!

You can always depend on the kindness of strangers To buck up your spirits and shield you from dangers Now here's a tip from Blanche you won't regret A stranger's just a friend you haven't met

I want to make him my executive vice president. Yes, sir. Smithers, I've just seen the most heroic dog on television. He pulled a toddler from the path of a speeding car, then pushed a criminal in front of it. Find this dog. I want to make him my executive vice president.

No burglar? What does he mean, no burglar?

Cut it out, Bart! What the-- Ooh, I wonder if her skills will transfer over to the game of hockey. Well, only one way to be sure. Heads up, little girl! The goalie of my dreams!

You're reading Gravity's Rainbow? Rereading. Sorry. What are you guys talking about? I was making fractals. These girls are brilliant! I finally found kids I can relate to. You guys are so cool! I can't believe I never met you before! Well, I'm Tina, and this is Carrie. Maybe we could hang out together.

America isn't interested in space exploration anymore. Maybe we should finally tell them the big secret-- that all the chimps we sent into space came back superintelligent. No, I don't think we'll be telling them that.

Hello, family. Where have you been, young man? It's nearly bedtime. I was-- I was-- If anyone asks, you were at the flower shop. I was at the flower shop.

Oh, boy ! The Happy Little Elves Meet the Curious Bear Cub. Oh, the Elves ! The Elves ! Bye, kids ! Watch out for the boy. Mmmwha ! Bye, now. Mmmwha ! Be good.

Splendid, young Beethoven. I hereby declare all other music obsolete. (CACKLES TO THE TUNE OF BEETHOVEN'S FIFTH SYMPHONY) (BEETHOVEN'S FIFTH SYMPHONY PLAYING)

All right. I tried. Fortunately, we have a perfectly good Fallout Boy right here.

We're going to take a test. All right! A test! It's called the Career Aptitude Normalizing Test-- Or "CAN'T."

Yeah, show's over, all right? Move along. As for the rest of you-- They're in my hair! They're in my hair!

Run, Daddy! Run! Open the door, Maude! I don't have time for the secret knock! Oh! I'm panicking, Neddy! I can't work the knob.

Breaking news at the Screaming Monkey Research Labs... where hundreds of test animals have been freed by unknown activists. Chief Wiggum, uh, do you have a statement? Uh, yes. Yes, I do, Kent. This is a horrible crime, one that- Cut it out, Lou. Uh, he's making funny faces.

All we're doing is taking you to... a foster home! Yea! Hey-diddly-ho! Welcome to your new home, neglect-a-rinos!

Ahh! I smelled some marijuana smoke in Vietnam! I was the one that canceled Star Trek! I left my Porsche keys inside Mrs. Glick.

Wow. Bitchin'. It chose to destroy itself rather than live with us. You can't help but feel a little rejected.

"jerry Garcia"? "Honey Bono"? "Desmond Tutti-frutti"? Eh! Lisa, help Daddy find some normal flavors. "Candy Warhol." "Xavier Nougat."

If a tree falls in the woods and no one's around, does it make a sound ?

Hey, Bart. Son? Here's my way of saying I'm sorry. Ooh. I know you're mad at me right now, and... I'm kind of mad too. I mean, we could sit here and try to figure out...

Yeah. Lots of storybooks have witches. - Shut up, Kirk! - Sorry. And now, the good people at Fan-demonium, as part of a generous settlement,

Daddy, ask the man for some candy. No, no. No candy for you. Well, at least get some candy for yourself. Kids. Here's your candy. So long, sucker! Uh, sir. Your life savings.

I use up all of my English. Grazie, Springfield! He's a phony! Lousy cheater! I demand a re-race! I got a better idea. Let's have a fun run... on his trachea.

Marge, a bee almost stung me today. I felt the wing go right by my ear. Oh, it's okay, Homie. The bee's all gone.

Teacher made me go to Principal Skinner's office when I was dirty. "And he survived to make it back to Springfield, where he became the fine educator we salute tonight." When I grow up, I wanna be a principal or a caterpillar.

Kids, let me tell you about another so-called "wicked" guy. He had long hair and some wild ideas, and he didn't always do what other people thought was right. And that man's name Was-- I forget. But the point is--

Orphans lighting candles over a leaking gas line. Lighting candles?

"'Kippers for breakfast, Aunt Helga? "Is it St. Swiven's Day already?' ''Tis,' replied Aunt Helga."

Hello, jerry? Homer Simpson. Remember last month when I paid back that loan? Well, now I need you to do a favor for me. A left-handed corkscrew?

All right. That's it.

Let's see. I've been to Afghanistan, Serbia, Lebanon... (LOUD ERUPTION) Okay, okay, I lied! I shoot wedding videos in Dallas, Fort Worth... Okay, okay, just Fort Worth! Ah! Hello, UN Women's Conference!

Now, let's just try and get a little shut-eye.

I hope they still make that shampoo I like.

That's our secret word for the day!

Give something back? Boo! Get a haircut!

Whoa, whoa. A fat, sarcastic Star Trek fan. You must be a devil with the ladies.

Yeah. Everything before the high-speed chase was just lovely. Hey. You're a good friend, Marge. Mmm.

in their first live show since Tinky Winky was acquitted of manslaughter. Not guilty! The Teletubbies! (CHEERING) Custard!

Need a ride home? You really don't want that. Trust me.

What a load of crappy crap crap! Quiet, boy. I have a feeling some bad stuff is about to go down.

A noble spirit "embiggens" the smallest man. Yea! Springfield rules! Way to go, Springfield! "Embiggens"? Hmm. I never heard that word before I moved to Springfield. I don't know why. It's a perfectly "cromulent" word.

Please-- Please! We're only $10,000 away from returning to our show. Well, why didn't you say so? Yes, I'd like to pledge $10,000... to get them to shut up. From... anonymous. Done and done.

Are there any chores I can do? Uh, no, no. Uh, you just stay here and maintain your dignity.

If you don't get that kid an elephant by tomorrow, the Dj-3000 gets your job. Looks like those clowns in Congress did it again. What a bunch of clowns. How does he keep up with the news like that?

Say, uh, Barn, uh, remember when I said I'd have to send away to NASA to calculate your bar tab? Oh, yeah. We all had a good laugh, Moe. The results came back today. You owe me $70 billion. Hmm? No. Wait, wait, wait.

Honus Wagner, Cap Anson Mordecai Brown... Uh, sir. What is it, Smithers? I'm afraid all those players have retired and, uh, passed on. In fact, your right fielder has been dead for 130 years. Damnation!

You need to find an anchor of some sort. Think harder, Homer. I'll take that.

It's true. He is my son. - Hey, now you're talking! - Good God.

I'll do it! Anything to get me out of that house, away from all that nagging and noise, uh, of a family of love. Sha-la-la-la

It was just an April Fools' joke. Why, you little--

Oh, no. Now I'm Dad!

Marge, after a lot of thought, I've decided to run the Springfield Marathon. Oh, please. You get exhausted watching The Twilight Zone marathon. I'm a regular Billy Crystal. You got that right. Well, Dad, I think running's good exercise.

Marge, you made it! And you wore that lovely suit.

(SIGHS IN EXASPERATION) Due to budget cuts, music class will now have a two-drink minimum. Cranapple juice only counts as one and... (GASPS) My slacks. They've descended. (ALL LAUGHING)

Oh, take that, Salem, Oregon! Wait a minute. This game is educational! That'll teach you to teach me!

Hey, this drink is delicious and my phlegm feels looser. What do you call it? It's called a Flaming... ...Moe! It's called a Flaming Moe. That's right, a Flaming Moe. My name is Moe, and I invented it. What are you looking at, Homer? It's A flaming moe.

I built a skating rink for the whole town! (GROANS) Activate cloaking device! Oh, I'm so depressed. Engage candy bar. Thank you.

just look at all this beautiful "foilage." It's not "foilage," Mom. It's foliage. Foliage. That's what I said-- "foilage." It doesn't take a "nucular" scientist to pronounce "foilage."

I think you'd better drop it. But the old axiom was misleading.

Mom, you believe me, don't you? Bart, I love you.

Oh, my God! What is it? "Tramampoline." "Trambapoline." He said what now? Please, don't bring home any more old crutches.

Bart, I don't want you to see me cry.

Hey, Grampa's running! That's not Grampa. Dad's just dehydrated.

I'm afraid that's insufficient. Officer, arrest the baby. Yeah, right, Pops. No jury in the world's gonna convict a baby. Hmm, maybe Texas. Besides, she didn't mean it. It was an accident.

It blew up the bridge! We're doomed! It's times like this I wish I were a religious man. It's all over, people! We don't have a prayer!

Monty, I've heard you're a pretty flatulent guy. Any comment on that? Well, now, see here. Stop that. Attention, wireless listeners. Most of the sounds you are now hearing are not being made by me. Oh, stop! Stop! Won't someone please stop the farting?

OTTO: Whoa! I can't see! I'll have to steer by the reflection in my watch! (TIRES SCREECHING) Oh! Why don't I just pull over? MAN: Hey! Can't stop. Krusty collectible toy jammed under brake pedal!

We felt slighted by your age bashing and started home.

Will you turn that engine off? Quiet, Marge. The motorcycle and I are trying to sleep. I know. I know. just tune her out.

I got a court order bringing him back.

Don't worry, Mr. President. I-- Mr. President! Lighten up, Bitterman! That youngster will make a perfect addition to my cabinet. Secretary of partying down! Yes! Take that, Bitterman!

(RINGS BELL) Homer Simpson, welcome to heaven. Now let's get you some clothes, huh? I'm comfortable like this. Yeah, well, this is heaven. For everyone.

Three, two, one. Happy New Year! It must be wonderful to ring in the New Year... over and over and over. Please kill me.

A snake in the cash register! Great prank, fellas. Great. Oh, I'm gonna be sick tonight.

but I'm phasing it out for more dirty limericks. There once was a man named Enis-- I can just haul it away, free? Yep. It's all yours.

That was a joke?

Are you Ozzie Smith? Yes. I have a proposition for you. Hello. Are you Don Mattingly? Yes. Yes, I am. Come in. Come in. Can I get you something? What's your name?

It turned out it was his evil twin. Ohh.

Pathetic. I'm pathetic? Because I take money from my 10-year-old son? Well, let me tell you something! I still call the shots around here! Homer, use your inside voice. I don't have an inside voice!

Uh-oh. You guys are damn lucky. All you destroyed were bricks, mortar and attorneys. Remember me as a drain on society.

This party is over. Oww! Where did I lose 'em? I'll never wiggle my bare butt in public again.

Dad, are you listening to me? Shh! Lisa! The dog is barking.

Get out. I'm sorry I said that. - Out. - I'm gonna get out of the car,

but I'll cry now. From Sea to shining sea Thanks for coming, and don't forget to purchase some orange drink...

It's a high-protein feed for farm animals, insulation for low-income housing, a powerful explosive and a top-notch engine coolant. And best of all, it's made from 100% recycled animals. I think I'm gonna be sick. Oh, a spoonful of slurry will cure what ails ya.

You've got to keep our secret, Homer. Homer, we're out of vodka. Tell the people, Homer. They have a right to know...

Oh, I missed the feeding frenzy. I hope you're happy.

But first, a man whose inspiring battle with Percodan addiction... is soon to be a movie of the week-- Krusty the Clown! I'll be played by jimmy Smits. Now he faces his toughest audience-- three Siberian tigers.

Herpes, herpes bo-berpes Banana-fana, fo-ferpes Herpes, oh Hey, that spot on Gorbachev's head-- Herpes! Trust me. Anybody here have herpes? Huh? Huh?

Looks like God has packed up and left Springfield. No! No, you’re lying! You’re lying! What makes you lie?

(GROANS) (ALL HOOTING)

Hold on. I'll check. Huge ass? Somebody check the men's room for a huge ass.

Where have you been, Neddie? In the bathroom-- not trimmin' my mustache. What do you think? Do I remind you of troubled troubadour David Crosby? No, you remind me of silly billy Ned Flanders. Would a silly billy sit like this? Ooh! Rod, Call Dr. Stein.

Barney, where's your cummerbund? It fell in the toilet.

Why, there are no children here at the 4-H Club either. Am I so out of touch? No. It's the children who are wrong.

Pick up Bart. Pick up Bart! "Trab Pu Kcip." "Trab Pu Kcip!" What have we told you about writing on the walls? Go to your room!

Welcome to T.G.I. McScratchy's, where it's constantly New Year's Eve. Here we go again. Three, two, one. Happy New Year!

They're after the tomacco! Now you can't tell me nicotine's not addictive! Lisa, there's absolutely no evidence--

of the true cross today. I think I'll go inside. What keeps doing that? I told you we should have bought more than three bullets. Let's just grab him. Hey! But wait, you can't kill me for being Krusty.

Mm, not enough commercial appeal. "Wendy Windbag"? "Ugly Doris"? "Hortense, the Mule-Faced Doll"? I think we should name her after Lisa. We'll call her "Lisa Lionheart." No, "Loudmouth Lisa!" "Stupid Lisa Garbage Face!" I can't stand this any longer. Somebody please pay attention to me!

Wait a minute. Look at the scale. Divide by the number of people, subtract belts and shoes-- Everyone, welcome to The Duff Book of World Records. Springfield is the world's fattest town.

You used to be a boxer just like me? Yup. They called me Kid Gorgeous. Later on, it was Kid Presentable. Then Kid Gruesome. And, finally, Kid Moe.

I'm tired of her criticizing my saggy glutes. Quiet. Her muscular ears can hear us.

I've seen this man eat a bowl of change.

"Bolivian tree lizard"? Mm-hmm. It's a vicious ovoraptor. It feasts on bird eggs and lays its own eggs in the nest. The unsuspecting mother bird cares for them until the babies hatch... and... devour her too. What a chump! It's already wiped out the dodo, the cuckoo and the ne-ne,

Moleman, lookin' good.

I'm gonna regale everyone with my anecdote. You know, the one I tried to say on the radio? Who's gonna bleep me this time?

All rightilly-dightilly. Hey, Flanders. Hidilly-ho, neighboreeno! Shut up! Okilly-dokilly. So, Ned, you're having a family reunion and you didn't invite me? Oh, gosh, Homer. This is strictly a Flanders affair. I got family here from around the globe. Here's josÉ Flanders. Buenos ding-dong-diddly-dÍas, seÑor.

Hey, kids. i made your favorite cookies. Christmas trees for the girls and bloody spearheads for Bart. Aw, thanks, Mom.

- It's a secret. - Shut up.

and, uh, we want them to think they can. Well, if I explain it to Marge that way, I'm sure she'll understand. Come on, honey. It'll only be till we finish our tour of Sweden.

Oh, honey, I'm so proud of you. You got the highest grade in the class. But, Mom-- The highest grade. Okay. Lisa's gone.

I call it "Poindextrose."

Oh, my God! I'm ugly!

Don't let Krusty's death get you down, boy. People die all the time, just like that. Why, you could wake up dead tomorrow. Well, good night.

Anyway, the point is, you still have the power to change your future. I'll do my best. You're a good kid. Here's a coupon for some crab claws. Hey, this is expired!

Oh, Lise, she's already drawn me to her with her beautiful siren song. That's very disturbing.

They slit his throat from ear to ear. Hey, I'm trying to eat lunch here. jump, Free Willy! jump. jump with all your might.

Don't you see what you've done? Sideshow Bob hasn't reformed. He's pure evil! Oh, if only you knew what he was thinking! I hope they still make that shampoo I like.

And if you tell anyone-- Honey, I like it when you call, but we just talked five minutes ago. Hang on. I've got call waiting. Hello? Hey, it's me. I got Marge on the other line, and she is totally bumming me out.

It's not just "a megaphone," Dad. It's a Rapmaster 2000. Never mind the commercials. just give it to me. I've gotta whip this neighborhood into shape. - Move along there. - It's Hammer! Return to your homes and places of businesses.

Marge, there's just too much pressure. What with my job, the kids, traffic snarls, political strife at home and abroad-- But, I promise you, the second all those things go away, we'll have sex. I simply can't wait that long. Maybe we should get some help. How about a book? Ooh! Okay! A tasteful book.

Oh, P.U., what were you drinking, gasoline? Yes, I was drinking gasoline, Mother. Uh, Krusty. Hang on, kid. I got a tack in my head.

Cut him a check and get him the hell out of here.

Oh, yeah. The gimmick is it's a house from 1895... and you gotta do everything like they did back then. 1895? Forget it. We'd be too late to save Lincoln and too early to save Kennedy. You could save McKinley. ts not a time machine, Moe.

Now's our chance to be bad. Mr. Simpson, I just wanted to tell you... that you've done a wonderful job with Lisa. You must have read to her at a young age. I did. I did read to her.

Silly customer! You cannot hurt a Twinkie!

Those Germans can't fire me. I'm the only one who can unjam the rod dissociator. They can't fire me. I run the gaseous contaminant particularifier. They can't fire me. Why? Why? 'Cause...

...has been canceled. What? Instead we bring you The Boring World of Niels Bohr.

No. I think we can do without the crack pipe. Oh, hi. As the Fox censor, it's my job to protect you from reality. And thanks to my prudent editing, tonight's special Halloween show...

Good-bye, Mr. Sherman. If I ever play Carnegie Hall, I'll give you a call. And if you ever want to visit my show-- Nah. We're not gonna be doing that. Well, jay, I hope you tell your New York friends... that people in small towns aren't quite as dumb as they think.

While there, she ate six pomegranates--

Aren't you glad we got out of the house... and came downtown for a little culture? They're butchering the classics. Could that bassoon have come in any more late? Oh, come on, Homer. There's lasers. You like lasers. Laser effects, mirrored balls--- John Williams must be rolling around in his grave.

What's with all the questions? just some report I gotta do for school. - Hey, you want some pie? - Sure. We've got a lot of catching up to do. Mmm.

Well, did you meet Larry? Oh, yes. He made light of my weight problem, then suggested my motto should be "Semper Fudge." At that point he told me to "relax." How were his test scores? Let's just say this-- he spelled "Yale" with a six.

Hi, everybody! Are you looking for a way to slash the cost... of your medical expenses? Boring! Wait! This might be the answer we're looking for. I will perform any operation for 129.95. Come in for brain surgery... and receive a free Chinese finger trap.

Whoo-hoo! I'm Krusty the Clown, and I don't like you. I'm Krusty the Clown, and I'm going to kill you. Didn't even pull the string that time. I said I'm going to kill you. You, Homer Simpson.

Please be kind. You look fantastic. Let me just adjust my lens here. Now you're sure this will save my marriage? Try not to speak. It's making your body ripple. Hmm.

Okay, I'll make a wish that can't backfire. I wish for a turkey sandwich, on rye bread... with lettuce and mustard... and... and I don't want any zombie turkeys. I don't want to turn into a turkey myself, and I don't want any other weird surprises, you got it? Hey!

Jamaica. Hey, mon! I call for a joint session. This vote is dreadlocked. San Francisco. Hello there, sailor! I'm here and fabulous! Now I'd like to make a motion.

here's our top student, Lisa Simpson. Nerd!

Appraised value: $15.

My God. They're naked. Double your pleasure, Springfield. I'm sweating. Let's ride through the car wash. Ew. Arr! This picture will serve me well on those lonely nights at sea. This is great. I can finally look like I want... and not get hassled by the man.

Oh, no worries there. That's Henderson's toilet paper!

Uh, Bob Dole doesn't need this.

Hey, that's not fair. I wanna be a carny too. Can I, mister? Huh? Can I? Please? I don't know. You gonna get drunk and start a lot of trouble? Sure, anything you want. Mmm. All right. See you tomorrow, 6:00 a.m. And you're gonna work like you've never worked before.

Moe's Tavern home of the Super Sunday Brunch Spectacular. Ohh! Baloney. Bread! Got you down for 40 bucks.

All right, stick it to the man.

1971-- man walks on the moon... again. Then for a long time, nothing happened. Until tonight. Behold the future of comedy. Poochie!

Now here's the tricky part Oh, won't you rhyme with me Who needs the Kwik-E-Mart Their floors are sticky-mart They made Dad sicky-mart Let's hurl a bricky-mart The Kwik-E-Mart is real-- D'oh!

Skinner! Superintendent Chalmers, you didn't have to come all the way down here. Everything's under control. Oh, I have had it! I have had it with this school, Skinner! The low test scores, class after class of ugly, ugly children!

Uh-oh. No one told me the plant was closed.

Seymour, all is forgiven. Make way for Willie!

That was such a long time ago.

Okay, I'm gonna move this up. This wider. I'm gonna lose that. I've never even seen one of these. Can the medical mumbo jumbo. Can you fix me or not? Well, we'll see. You know, most faces need a little remodeling,

That's exactly what I-- Gotta go. Ooh ! Hey, stop, cable man ! Stop !

But it comes with a free frogurt. That's good. The frogurt is also cursed. That's bad.

We don't have time for choking. Calm down, Stresserella. I'm stressed because now that you've lost your license, I'm a full-time family chauffeur. Now, now, honey. We all appreciate what you do, but real chauffeurs have uniforms and licenses. You could get in a lot of trouble with the Livery Commission.

Gavin, honey, help Mommy pick a cereal. Oh. How about Alfalfa-Bits? Those suck! I hate this store! But, sweetheart, Mommy-- I hate you too! I wanna live with one of my dads.

Someone snuck in and took our presents. Do you think it was Papa? I wouldn't put it past him. He stole my gold tooth the night he left. He didn't leave. He went to the store. And when he comes back, I'll wave those Pop Tarts right in your face!

Save your breath... seriously. Well, I gotta do something before the Viagra kicks in. I know. I'll suck my teeth. Whoa! Here we go!

Marge Simpson, I sentence you to 30 days in prison. Next case. The National Council of Churches vs. Lionel Hutz. Oh, right. That thing.

Balderdash. I'll just stick my head right in and-- Half a dozen eggs? Well, that would be the complete dozen. All right, rather than tempt fate, I'll move along now. And so we reach the bottom of the barrel-- Nelson Muntz.

Right on! Say it, sister. It's not funny, Bart. Millions of girls will grow up thinking that this is the right way to act. That they can never be anything more than vacuous ninnies... whose only goal is to look pretty, land a rich husband, and spend all day on the phone with their equally vacuous friends... talking about how damn terrific it is to look pretty and have a rich husband!

Well ? - Don't people answer the door these days ? - Allow me, sir. Open up ! Open up !

A second-grade sorceress so powerful, she made tonight's refreshments out of dead people. Ew! Tonight, she'll perform the classic levitating dragon trick.

They don't call me Springfield Fats... just because I'm morbidly obese.

Look, janey. Cupcakes. Ah, give me that ! Hey, give those back ! Hey, what's the big idea ? That's my sister, man. So what ? So give her back those cupcakes before I knock your block off.

(GASPS) My indemnity waivers. Stop the bus. We'll just use the chains.

Excuse me, ma'am. Have you seen this little girl? Uh, I'd love to help you, pal, but I'm on a stakeout here. Yoink! Ha-ha! Oh-- Oh, great! Somebody stop that awful, awful man! Oh.

Oh, hey, we've offended Herman. I'm just going out for some fresh air. Geez. That guys sure likes his fresh air. None of that for me. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Ooh! Hey! No, no! Don't make me! I don't wanna go back to the nothing! I don't-- Oh, dear. I've redorkulated.

Hey, mister, would you like a puppy? No. But I'll take one! Okay. I'm going to cherish and care for this dog. And there's nothing you can do to stop me! (LAUGHS)

Testing! Testing! Testing. Testing. Testing. Testing.

I'm talking about treating serious injuries. Serious injuries. Oh, that's gold. Mom, Mom. I stepped in a bear trap. Sounds like you need some... first aid. Oh, wow!

Now, how about a big welcome for Buddy "Fallout Boy" Hodges ? Any questions ? When Radioactive Man got injected with shrinking serum in issue 234, how come his costume shrinks too ? I am sure I don't know, but I did just finish... playing Rum Tum Tugger in the second national touring company of Cats.

ShAving my shoulders I'm gettin' it all shaved off Homie, someone's at the door. They want to talk to you about some sort of car accident? Take the kids out back. I'll handle this.

Not very. No! No drugs. Bart just needs a little discipline. Uh, hey, what about military school? It set my brother straight. Now he owns and operates a famous cave. Hmm, you know, maybe Chief Wiggum is right. Military school is a good idea.

Now he's pointing to the ground. Is he indicating a bunt? Yes, he's bunting! Good hustle, kid!

I'll go find a spherical one. Help, Smithers. I'm sinking. I'm sinking. Life... flashing... before-- eyes.

Oh! Well, I'll dispose of this! All for Silas. All for Silas.

Snakes, snakes everywhere.

Bart, what were you doing outside? I don't know how to tell you this, but... I came down a little early, and, uh, well, uh, I saw a burglar and he was-- he took--

- Where are you kids ? D-oh ! - Whoops.

Have you ever walked on stilts? It's not that great. Yes. And you've said that several times now. Why do people worry about stuff? It's all gonna work out. All good points. Sleep tight, my drunken angel.

According to this book, the monorail goes over 150 miles an hour. What if something goes wrong? What if? What if I'm taking a shower and I slip on a bar of soap? Oh, my God, I'd be killed! It frightens me that you want to work on something that's so unsafe.

you are never driving again, ever! Ohh, I can't believe I cracked up my only set of wheels. Go home.

Well, you can't argue with the little things. It's the little things that make up life. Homer, I'm disappointed, but I think you need to do what's best for your family. Well, thanks for everything, Hank.

J; Uh-oh. That's toxic waste!

There you go, Barn. That'll be 45 bucks. Forty-five bucks? This better be the best-tastin' beer in the world. You got lucky.

Remember last year? Look at me. I'm a puffy pink cloud! Oh, well, of course everything looks bad if you remember it. Now, where are my chili boots?

All right, all right. I'll work it out. Aw, you guys are what it's all about. Reverend, thanks for turning the church into a "he-without-sineplex." What the... Oh, I get it. (PROJECTOR WHIRRING) Boys, I just talked to God.

Hmm. No. No. No. No.

Yeah! Shazbot. Hey! We stayed for your kids! The dark lord Montymort! Absorber of souls! Sucker of essence! Ah, ah, ah, ah! Hey, hey, hey, hey!

Is I.P. Freely here? Hey, is there a Butts here? Seymour Butts? Uh, Homer Sexual? Mike Rotch? Uh, Amanda Huggenkiss? Uh, Hugh jass? Ivana Tinkle? I'm a stupid moron with an ugly face and a big butt,

Stand behind the flaming garbage cans. We'll be letting you into the store 70 people at a time. Let's just beat him up and take his stuff! No, no, no! Do not listen to that man. Remain calm. You will all have a chance to be gouged. Thank goodness!

You know nothing about genetics, Lise. It goes boy, girl, boy, girl. You're worried about telling Dad, aren't you, Mom? Why do you say that?

(BRAKES SCREECHING) (ALL SCREAMING) (GIANT FISH GULPS)

Look, Dad. I made an apartment for my Malibu Stacy doll. This is a kitchen. This is where she prints her feminist newsletter. Dad, you're not listening to me! Lousy, stupid Denver. mmM!

I wanted to give you something and I know you wanted this photo of Elvis and me. He was good to his mother. Yes, but I couldn't understand a word that man said. "Mr. Burns... ...hound dog." Stop it. You're killing me, sir.

Otto! That's what my driver's license says. Hail to the bus driver, bus driver, bus driver... Yes, hail to the bus driver bus driver man.

Samantha! Dad! Noooooo! Samantha, you're my little girl and sometimes my imagination runs away with me. just tell me what happened. Milhouse and I... That's enough! I'm putting you in an all-girl school. You're never going to see that boy again. Milhouse!

Kids, there's three ways to do things-- the right way, the wrong way and the Max Power way. Isn't that the wrong way? Yeah, but faster!

Well, sir, where shall we dump this batch? The playground? No. All those bald children are arousing suspicion. To the park!

judgment Day is upon us. I warned you the Lord wouldn't stand for your minidresses and Beatle boots. I resisted these for 35 years. Why did I wear them today?

How many decks will your blackjack dealers use? Eight. Three. - Four. - Deal.

(STRAINING) (CHUCKLES) Struggle all you want, Homer. There's nothing you can do. (HOCKS AND SPITS) Why... Excuse us for a moment. (GROANS)

Oh, that's right. He's dead. And rather pungent.

I built a lot of things around the house-- the spice rack, the bird feeder, the Gymboree.

Well, we hit a little snag when the universe sort of collapsed on itself. But Dad seemed cautiously optimistic. Cra-a-a-ap! Homie.

When will you teens learn to be uncool like everyone else? Never, pops. That's right! Never! Yeah, you can arrest me, but you'll never defeat the Cobras. Nothing can defeat a motorcycle gang! A gang. That's the answer.

Hello, Mr. Simpson. I'm Carl. He sounds good. Hire him.

Wait for me, sir. Woof!

has a better chance of passing this test than you do.

Oh, Homer, drop by my office tomorrow... and I can remove those jaw wires. You'll be just the way you used to be. And, Reverend, I'll put in those pec implants on Thursday. Super.

Everyone pile on Homer's wife. J Love is a battlefields Huh? Huh? Huh? Ow! J At iastJ

Otto's just going to have to decide what's more important-- his heavy metal or you.

Bed goes up. Bed goes down. Bed goes up. Bed goes down. Homer Simpson!

Whoa! That's good Squishy. What's it like, Bart? Bart? Bart? Give me that!

piano recitals, building dedications, visiting elderly relatives, haircuts and shoe shopping. Well, we have a brown shoe. Did you hear that, kids? Brown.

Let's hope they put their differences aside and do what's best for Maggie. Ow! What the-- Get the-- baby off. Son of a--

Now we just need a distraction. You call this a bicameral legislature? Ow! Ohh! Hey! I say! I say! My groin! Ow!

I say Phantom Menace sucked more! I say Attack of the Clones sucked more! J; Uh-oh. That's toxic waste!

Oh, Edna-K, oh, Edna-K, oh, Edna-K Oh, Edna-K, oh, Edna-K, oh, Edna-K Oh, Edna-K, oh, Edna-K Miss Krabappel, a sad principal is desperate and needy

Attention, American workers. Your plant has been taken over by an all-star team of freelance terrorists. Not on my shift! Yip!

An elephant's butt? Yes, Bart. An elephant's butt. Boy, a Krispy Kreme would really clean up down here. Hey, this place is amazing! It's fit for a Duke, or even an Earl...

Dancing away my hunger pangs Moving my feet so my stomach won't hurt I'm kinda like Jesus But not in a sacrilegious way Geez. Homer's losing it already.

Okay, who wants a piece of me? You trying to get yourself killed, Tamzarian?

(SCHOOL BELL RINGING) (HORN BELLOWING) (BEEPING) (INSTRUMENTS PLAYING)

Hi, Bart. My nose makes its own bubble gum. Just get in here!

Ahhh, I'm just a big, toasty cinnamon bun.

Ah, the morning horoscope. "Today will be a day like every other day." D'oh! It just gets worse and worse.

"jesus Christ versus Checker Chariot."

diSco duck and fleetwood Mac coming out of my eight-track Michael JaCkson still was black those were the days

young lust there's no time For lovin' young lust I don't need one in the oven young lust I'm pushin' and shovin' yeah, yeah young lust c'mon now I just can't wait - Shh!

Ooh, cowabunga !

Did you see this, Bernice? Eh-- Oh, my.

Shh! Cobras! English - US - Line 21

¡AY! No es bueno.

I give up. Did anybody learn anything about love tonight? I learned it screws everybody up. There's that side of it, but there's also-- Help me out here, Lisa. Sorry, Mom, I've decided to save my love... for someone who's guaranteed not to reject me.

J YeahJ J l can 't stand J Whool J No runnin f around J J l can 't stand-wp [ Murmuri in Shh! g] English - US - SDH

Please don't hurt me. You leave me little recourse. And now the Estrogen Network presents Afternoon Yak. Men. Boo! Canceled.

Is it possible to get a green spotlight? MAN: Sorry, sweetie. We don't have green. Let Daddy go talk to the man.

By the time you read this, I will be in my watery grave. I can only leave you with the words my father gave me: "Stand tall, have courage and never give up." I only hope I can provide a better model...

There are no good wars, with the following exceptions: The American Revolution, World War II, and the Star Wars trilogy. If you'd like to learn more about war, there's lots of books in your local library-- many of them with cool, gory pictures. Well, good night, everybody. Peace, man.

I don't have time to read it. just give me the gist of it, Son.

Wait a minute. Why did it take you so long to say yes?

Why, I'd be delighted to sell you some illegally smuggled goods. That sounds like Fat Tony. Only one way to be sure. Fat Tony, is that you? Fat Tony? Hey, where's that voice coming from? This guy's wearing a wire! Take him out! My bad. I can't work my answering machine either.

No need, Mom. We already learned in school. This is Fuzzy Bunny. About a year ago, he noticed his voice was changing. He had terrible acne, and had fur where there was no fur before. He also noticed Fluffy Bunny. Boring!

I'm sorry I wasted your time. That's the last of them. You did the right thing, Bart. And now you can keep the money. Sweet. What am I gonna do with $1,000? It's Bart's moon party from outer space

Let's go crazy Broadway-style!

You did this, Bart Simpson! The man knows quality work. This time you're in for it, Bart. Huh! What's he gonna do? I'll kill ya! All right. Back on the stretcher.

(SCREAMING) Ow! HOMER: Ow! Ow! Ow! (THUDDING) (GASPS) Homie! Time to open the envelope I gave you.

Two, four, six, eight, Homer's crime was very great! Great meaning large or immense. We use it in the pejorative sense. Marge, I swear I didn't touch her. You know how bashful I am. I can't even say the word "titmouse"... without giggling like a schoolgirl.

So, how are things at home? We flushed the gator down the toilet, but it got stuck halfway. Now we have to feed it. I'll bet you want a piece of me. Well, you ain't gonna get it, see? Doggone it.

Hardly working. Where did you get that suit? Whoa, whoa! One question at a time. Yes, you? Look, I'm really starting to worry. There's half-eaten cupcakes everywhere. We're all out of paper clips.

Oh-ho, boy! Don't dream about me no more, kid. Help! Lisa, help! - Bart, you're in trouble! Wake up! - Wait a minute. If you're here, then you've fallen asleep too. I'm not asleep. I'm just resting my eye-- Uh-oh.

in the fact that something you created is making so many people happy. "Ooh! Look at me. I'm making people happy. "I'm the magical man from Happy Land, in a gumdrop house on Lollipop Lane." Oh, by the way, I was being sarcastic.

Mom, make him stop. Oh, no. Krusty! My pacemaker. It's stuck on "hummingbird." Nectar. Nectar. I need to drink my way to nectar. Krusty! Hey, a note.

Can I go to the bathroom before we leave?

That's it. That's it. I-- D'oh! Okay, okay. Think, Homer.

Instead of video games, they have weird, free newspapers. Hmm. Mom, am I "butch" or a "fem"?

I don't want anyone to give her a hard time just because she's different. No jokes, no taunting-- Look, that kid's got bosoms! Who's got a wet towel? Come here, you butterball. Don't make me run! I'm full of chocolate!

Come on, jer. Open up. I pulled you out of that burning car. Okay, but now we're even.

Anyway, when it comes to stress, I believe laughter is the best medicine.

Oh, Kogen's got Wolodarsky open way downfield, and it's complete ! Ooh, what a hit ! Oh, yeah, he's out cold, Gil. Yes, sir. Looks like they'll be feeding him Thanksgiving dinner through a tube. Hope they can fit a turkey in there.

Defense! Defense! Come on! You call that blowing?

Just our way of making y'all feel welcome. You're not listening. I never do. Yee-haw! I'll show you how they get on a horse where I come from.

Man ! Rusty old hunk of junk ! Howdy, Bart. Hot enough for ya ? Shut up, Flanders.

What the hell happened? Well, I'd attribute the product failure... to fundamental shifts in our key demographic, coupled with the overall crumminess of Poochie. Oh, you gotta stop this thing! Please! I'm gettin' egged on the street!

Why don't we fill out an application. I'll need your name, measurements, and turn-ons. You expect me to tell you that? You could, but I find this way is much more accurate, and fun. Ugh! What salary do you offer? Minimum wage and tips. Of course, there are fringe benefits. Such as?

Hmm? Uhh! What the-- Eww! D'oh! Soup's on, fat boy! Ooh! Ow! Hey! No! No! Help! No! Ow! No! Yo, Andy, no!

I know you like clowns, so I made you this bed. Now you can laugh yourself to sleep. If you should die before you wake--

I want to set the record straight. I thought the cop was a prostitute. When Behind the Laughter continues.

What a perfect evening. It was sure nice of them to make us cheeseburgers. Uh, yeah. "You will find happiness with a new love." Oh, even the Chinese are against me. What's the point? I can't fight fate.

So, where can we shoot this picture?

Some student, possibly Bart Simpson, has been circulating candy hearts... featuring crude, off-color sentiments. Well, let me tell you something. Valentine's Day is no joke. Sending your chick a valentine, huh?

"Guess who likes you." Milhouse, I'm so sorry. He can't hear you now. We had to pack his ears with gauze.

Did anyone see the movie Tron? No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. Yes. Er, um, I mean, no. No.

A six-legged chair that won't tip over-- and even more astounding, an electric hammer. That was your idea.

Ooh, Ice Creamville. No, Screamville. Tell you what, sir.

You're a tough cookie, Maggie, but I'm gonna win you over,

How fast are they going? Yikes! Well, judging by your husband's cowardly scream, 180 miles an hour. Yikes! Ah. It's making me dizzy. I'm gonna take a nap. All right, I'm in charge here. Oh, run along, Quimby.

If you'll just open that door, you'll see the next mayor of Springfield. Nice. Very nice. What'd it say?

I know what he's up to. He's thinking of killing me, then riding my carcass down the mountain to safety. He's truly gone mad if he's thinking that. Well, he can't kill me if I kill him first! I'll kill you, you bloated museum of treachery! You and what army?

This is so exciting, Homie. Your first restaurant review. Marge. Shh. It's important that no one knows that I'm a food critic. Hear that, Maude? Homer's a critic. Homer's a critic. Pass it on. Did you hear? Homer's a critic. Quit changing the subject! Where is Uter? We just want closure.

I'm a latchkey kid. You are not! Quiet, little girl! You two need to wake up and smell the java. And the first step is to admit that you're bad parents. I admit it. Homer, no! We're not bad parents. Yes, you are! Just say it! No, I won't! And frankly, Judge, I think you're a bully!

Oh, that sounds like a wager to me.

Sounds like somebody's jealous. No, I'm not. I just can't believe some people are paying hundreds of dollars... for something a hillbilly pulled out of the trash.

Open up, Curly! This is a raid! A raid? Curly?

We're just like Woodward and Bernstein. Yeah, except their dad wasn't waiting in the car reading Archie comics. Stuck-up Riverdale punks! Think they're too good for me! You're on the right track. Follow the names. How the hell do you know?

And with the money left over, the orphanage was able to buy a door. Now the monkeys cannot bite me. Uh-oh. I am like sugar to them.

You like them, huh? Come on, I'll show you the other 300. (GASPS) How could this have... Oh. (SIGHS)

Hey, wait a minute. This isn't Marge. This is her fat sister, Selma. It's Patty, chump! (LAUGHING)

The chimps are running a diamond mine. Why, what fascinating behavior. I-I must document this new activity.

I can't understand what happened. Why did they change Homer Simpson's character from cool to stupid? The first episode was just a pilot, Dad. Producers fiddle with shows all the time. They change characters, drop others and push some into the background. Your character provides the comic relief,

There you go, fellas. D'oh! Look! There's another disadvantaged boy. Where? There's a couple of guys fighting at the aquarium, Chief. They still sell those frozen bananas? I think so. Let's roll.

and always twirling, twirling, twirling towards freedom!

Friend. Friend! Hey, kid, wake up. Who are you? I'm Laura, your new neighbor. You all right? She's beautiful. Say something clever.

Ah, the full Leonard Nimoy cycle-- I Am Not Spock, then I Am Spock... and finally, I Am Also Scotty.

Son, you're okay! And you led us to the precious ivory. And, of course, your lovable pet, who it's connected to. Dad, I can't let you sell him. Stampy and I are friends. Ow! Anyway, I want him to go to that animal refuge.

the magnificent Blue Angels!

In many ways, Maude Flanders was a supporting player in our lives. She didn't grab our attention with memorable catchphrases... Or comical accents. Aye. Yarr. Oh, glavin! Why, glavin?

But the answer is still no. Honeysuckle, Dewdrop.

Well, Ned, you don't have to stand for that.

Man, the air feels good on my neck. Whoo! Gum ball! Oh, why do I even bother?

I can't believe my mom would cheat.

at this time of day in this part of the country... localized entirely within your kitchen? Yes. May I see it? No. Seymour! The house is on fire!

He's a toy-killing machine!

Ah, Bobo. Bobo. Ah! Oh, it's you. The bedpan's under my pillow. Who's... Bobo, sir? Bobo? I, uh, meant Lobo. Uh, Sheriff Lobo. They never should have canceled that show.

The shampoo specifically said, "No more tears." A lovely promise but one beyond the powers of a mere shampoo.

Well, we're up to 15.

Now, what you gotta do, if you wanna get a kiss... is act real smooth and make your move like this. Oh, I see. So, if I take your advice... and make your patented move,

You're in the naval reserve: America's 17th line of defense, between the Mississippi National Guard and the League of Women Voters. After basic training, you'll only have to work one weekend a month. And most of that time, you're drunk off your ass.

I begged you to look at mine first. I begged you.

You were right, Lisa. I've never felt so spiritually fulfilled. And with my brothers the Stonecutters behind me, this is the beginning of a better world for all of us. We gotta kill him! Take it easy, Moe. Let's hear from the Stonecutter World Council... before we act too rashly. Kill him.

It's because they're stupid. That's why. That's why everybody does everything.

Hey, there's some quarters in here. I just don't see what's so bad about Stanley. Stanley is thoughtless, violent and loud. Marge, every second you spend with this man, he is crushing your fragile spirit. You can't let that happen.

The easiest way to be popular... is to leech off the popularity of others. So we propose changing our name from Springfield to Seinfeld. I may be just a boy, but I have an idea.

who says it's wrong to eat meat. - Is he crazy? - No, just ignorant. You see, your crazy friend never heard of the food chain. just ask this scientician. Uh-- He'll tell you that in nature one creature invariably eats another to survive.

REPORTER ON TV: A play date with disaster at Cletus' farm.

I think he should have to take a different oath. Everyone takes the same oath. Welcome to the club, Number 908.

Ow! You call that a punch? I felt it, but it was like, "So what?" Oh! Again with the nose. I have a chin, you know? (GRUNTS) Don't worry, sir. The maid and I will take him out to the curb. Come on. Come on. You promised me no one would get hurt!

Uh, I'll make the sound of a barnyard animal, and, uh, y-you all try to guess what it is. It's a pig! It's a cow, man. It's a pony! No, it's a goat! You know, one of them lady goats. There are no lady goats. A lady goat is a sheep.

Our next budget item, $12 for doorknob repair. Nay! Recharge fire extinguishers. This is a free service of the fire department. Nay! Help! Please help me!

You know, when Superintendent Chalmers suggested a school mural, I almost thought he said a school Muriel. Muriel's his sister. And, uh-- Oh, thank you, Bruce Vilanch. Whoopi would've made it work.

Maude? Oh, my Lord, she's dead!

It made every Indian critic's Top 400 list. La, la, la, la, la, I'm in love with lovely Johnny This movie you rented sucks.

Oh, for crying out loud, I dropped one. Oh! Now it's in my shoe! Ow! Ow! Ooh! Ow! Ooh! Ow! Ooh!

Hello, David. I'm really tempted. just take it one day at a time, and know that I love you. I love you too, man. So, Mr. Nahasapeemapetilon, if that is your real name,

Maggie ! Maggie ! Come here ! Good-bye ! Good-bye, everybody ! Bye ! Yea ! Maggie, wanna watch the Happy Little Elves again ?

Oh, my God! What is it? "Tramampoline." "Trambapoline."

Ooh. There's the little prom queen now. Can the sweet talk. You're right. It's time to ash-can my girlish hopes... and dreams and grab hold of the next train out of the station.

And now, it's time for another patented Gabbo Crank Call! Oh, I love these. I can't believe it. He stole this bit from Krusty! Yeah, well, Krusty stole it from Steve Allen. Oh, everything's stolen nowadays. Why, the fax machine is nothing but a waffle iron with a phone attached.

Get moving, you stupid-- When I'm kicking you, that means hurry up. Come on.

Oh, to be eight again. Whee! Whoa! Whoa! Whee! Whee!

Remember the advice your father gave you on your wedding day. If you ever travel back in time, don't step on anything... because even the tiniest change... can alter the future in ways you can't imagine. Fine. As long as I stand perfectly still and don't touch anything,

Wiggum? Am I getting warmer? Clancy, you're a disgrace! And in my blind rage, I hereby turn over all this town's police duties to Homer Simpson and SpringShield!

Maybe he's telling the truth. Or you're in cahoots. I recall you had a penchant for bell-bottomed trousers back in '79. That was my costume for the plant production of H.M.s. Pinafore. Yes, of course. Your spirited hornpipe stole the show. Doctor, what should we do about our freewheeling fop?

and the 50-foot magnifying glass... and that escalator to nowhere. Whoa! Aah! Aah! Whoa! Aah!

Well, I'm ready for the big tournament. Hey there, son. Oh, hi, Dad. With that little outfit on, everyone's gonna think you're playing in the tournament. I am playing in the tournament. It's gonna be tough without a partner. I've got a partner. Well, good for you. Anyone I know? Yeah, you know her.

So, Professor, would you say it's time for everyone to panic? Yes, I would, Kent.

Yeah, nice try, narc. Where's the narc? Who? That fat jamaican guy. What'd I say? What's goin' on? Hey, we're just tryin' to have a good time, narc. Why do you want to destroy us? Don't commit your hate crimes here! Hate crime! Okay, I'm heading out now.

There's something about flying a kite at night that's so unwholesome. Hello, Mother dear.

Is it my imagination, or is TV getting worse? Ah, it's about the same. Uh-oh! Look out, Smithers! I love this show.

I don't understand why we have to build a ray gun to aim at a planet I never even heard of. Don't blame me. I voted for Kodos. D'oh!

Mr. Burns? Mr. Burns is gone. And tonight was the night I was gonna show him my tattoo. (SOBBING)

What, the rock tumbler or the TV? The TV! The TV! Show Wow! They'll never let us show that again, not in a million years!

Oh, dear. Now you've done it.

Well, Marge, should I whack slow or fast? Slow, then fast. - Uh-oh. - Dad, please.

Boom! Boom it went! Boom! Just like that!

A millionaire ? I kept the wrong one. Look, son-- I'll come as soon as I can get out of here. In the meantime, please don't do anything stupid.

Mr. Boggs, will you be on my team? You got yourself a player. Damn! All right, I'll take Louis.

It wasn't supposed to be this way. It was supposed to be a thing of beauty, not this abomination. Oh, Smithers, I was wrong to play God. Life is precious, not a thing to be toyed with. Take out that brain and flush it down the toilet.

(CLOMPING) I'm leaving, too. I'm gonna go listen to the President's weekly radio address. And not the rebuttal. Goodbye, Homer. I can't get drunk and vomit next to a guy I don't respect. (SOBBING) Even my best friends have left me.

Wait! I have discovered more lines on the parchment. It says that the prohibition law which was passed here 200 years ago... was repealed 199 years ago. Release the prisoner! Oh!

- Hey! No one-termers. - Ah! You too, huh? Hey, I know a good yogurt place. Get away from me, loser.

Approach, my sons. You may ask me three questions. That's great, because all I need is one. Are you really the head of the Kwik-E-Mart? Yes. Really? Yes.

My sash says "Ultraman." I think weve seen enough.

w'w' f Continues] Oh! ts gettin' closer!

Did you really think you could fool it? No, sir. I'm really sorry, sir. An older boy told me to do it. You're looking at five years, minimum. No, sir. Please, I can't go to prison. They pee in a cup and throw it on you! I saw it in a movie. You won't be seeing any prison movies where you're going-- prison!

Oh! I can't even grovel properly. I'm a buffoon. I don't deserve to live on your planet anymore! Agh! Pull yourself together, man. I daresay you're in need of a long vacation.

F-- Dear Lord! That's the loudest profanity I've ever heard. These fumes aren't as fun as beer. Sure, I'm all dizzy and nauseous, but where's the inflated sense of self-esteem?

I feel like celebrating. I-- Oh, it's you. What are you so happy about? I see. Well, I think you'd better drop it. I said drop it! Get your hands off--

Hey, kids. i made your favorite cookies. Christmas trees for the girls and bloody spearheads for Bart. Aw, thanks, Mom.

Would you people get a life! Not an option.

hair shoulder length and longer

Did you hear that, sir? No, I didn't. Who is it, Frankenstein? The Boogerman? The man in the bag. I think he's alive. Oh. Bad corpse. Stop scaring Smithers. Satisfied? Thank you, sir.

Oh, my demo tape! "Can I Borrow a Feeling?" "Can I Borrow a Feeling?" It's your picture on the front. - Go ahead, Homer. Laugh at me. - I already did.

They're probably watching us right now. That's ridiculous! Nobody is watching us right now.

Dad, it says "Non-Toxic." Well, that's a plus.

Saints be praised! Oh, closer. I've always dreamed of this moment.

He knows that deep down, all bullies are cowards!

UH-- Ah, Homer, we're gonna visit the boys' grandmother. Family only, you know? Right. No reporters. No. I-- I-- I mean just the Flanders family. Oh, okay.

Oh, I've got the exact same curtains, only in my bathroom. Didn't you just die when you found these? Not really. They just had corn on them. Kitchen, corn. Oh!

It should be soft and cuddly. Yeah. With lots of firepower. Its eyes should be telescopes.

Now there's a Machiavellian countenance. Ooh, a sextet of ale!

Yup, there's your problem.

If you ever get into trouble, all you need to do is-- Feels like I'm wearin' nothin' at all. Nothin' at all. Nothin' at all. Stupid sexy Flanders! Ow, my legs!

And check this out. A walk-in microwave. Hey, Marge, can you press "stop" when my popcorn's done? Uh-oh. (HUMMING) Hmm.

Lisa? Yes? Help me into Ralph's costume. Showtime, children. Let's go. Okay, curtain puller. This is your moment to shine. Oh, it's too important. I'll do it for you.

I'm an orphan from Capitol City, and those who recall my fight... to outlaw teenage rudeness may be shocked to learn... that I, myself, was once a street punk. Yeah. The way I was headed, it was just a matter of time... before i wound up in front of a judge.

Do the bartman, yeah That is so 1991. Young man, the school dress code... specifically forbids the wearing of earrings... unless you're of Gypsy extraction. Well, I'm a Gypsy. Oh, really? Prove it.

But then I think about Marge and the kids. Well, not the boy. He drives me nuts. Sometimes I'd just like to-- Homer, you know how I feel, so it's up to you. Look in your heart. I think you'll see what you want.

I want candy But don't you want to end world famine? I want candy Or save the endangered Alaskan salmon. I want candy Well, if you won't think of society's ills--

Stay ! Speak ! All right ! Good boy !

How could you? Of all the terrible things you've ever done in your life, this is the worst, the most despicable! But, Marge, I swear to you, I never thought you'd find out!

Duff Light or new Duff Blue. Tap into the peppermint glacier! Huh! Huh! Hey! Are you there, God? It's me, Duffman!

My God! Everyone's gone! Little Bart. Little Lisa. Little Marge. And the rest!

We thespians believe it's bad luck to mention the name of this particular play out loud. You mean Macbeth? Quiet, you blundering fool! You'll curse us all! What? By saying Macbeth? Stop saying it! Saying what? Macbeth!

Whoa, this is so dangerous. Yeah, you're right. D'oh! Why, you-- Wha-- What the-- This is Wiggum reporting a 318-- waking a police officer.

I know I really shouldn't, but when am I gonna be here again? Whee!

I don't feel right.

You've really done it this time, Bart! You're in for the punishment of a lifetime! When do you expect the ringing will stop? In about 10 to 15 seconds! I certainly hope so! That's better.

with extra tentacles, please.

Ew. This place has got old man stink. Ooh. Oh, don't listen to him, sir. You've got an enchanting musk.

My mom doesn't believe in fabric softener. But she's not around! I'm picking the next thing.

Simpson, I am by most measures a successful man. I have wealth and power beyond the dreams of you and your clock-punching ilk. And yet, I've led a solitary life. The fair sex remains a mystery to me. You seem to have a way with women, a certain--

And now, my exclusive interview with His Holiness, Pope john Paul II. That's it. I cannot work under these conditions. If anybody wants me, I'll be downstairs at McDougal's. Call the weekend guy. I don't care.

We can't lose Bart now that we're so close. If I do, I'll be the worst priest ever. Well, except for, you know... Ahem! Now, Bart, isn't this the kind of religion you'd like to be a part of for all eternity?

A little action will really sharpen our senses. Mom, there's no gambling in Branson. It was designed as a family destination. Oh, no, there's gambling. We just have to find it. Look, Mom. It's your car. Grampa and Bart must be in that theater. Betcha they're not, 3-to-1. How much you got?

Won't be any fun without ya, Dad. Yea!

Thanks, Mayor Simpson. Because of you, we're all takin' golden showers! What? We can't go on fighting with Olde Springfield!

The answer is no.

The boys probably just want a letter of recommendation. Boys? Where are you going? Okay, son. Give him the glue! Hey, lookin' good!

Sorry, Homer. I was born a snake handler, and I'll die a snake handler. Neighbor, I heard about your heresy, and we've made it our mission to win you back to the flock. No sale. Homer, Christian life isn't all praying and sacrifice. Hey, dig this.

I won't need this anymore. Marge, someone broke the toilet.

Bye-bye! Thank God they're gone. I can't believe I went five minutes without one of these dream sticks.

Give me my baby!

Wait a minute. There's something bothering me about this place. I know! This lesbian bar doesn't have a fire exit! Enjoy your deathtrap, ladies. What was her problem?

Every moment I live is agony.

It might interest you to know that Marge Simpson is pregnant again.

Bye-bye! Thank God they're gone. I can't believe I went five minutes without one of these dream sticks.

Hmm. "Hercules Rockefeller. Rembrandt Q. Einstein. Handsome B. Wonderful." Oh!

Oh, please. All this fuss for little old me. Please welcome the owner of Fortune Megastores, Arthur Fortune. What? a billion-dollar baby Hello, Springfield! Hello, Arthur!

Look at this place. Somebody ought to build a town that works. Somebody did.

Hey, whatsa matter, you? You crazy kid, you chasing away my business. Buzz off, Guiseppe. Pepe, go for the face!

I'm going to bed. How much for Krusty's bed? Half a buck. Sold! Good night, everybody. Good night, Moe.

(WHINING) Fine. I'll help you with your stupid flashcards. (CHUCKLING) Aren't you smart? Let's try another one. A little harder this time. Hmm?

Things couldn't be more shipshape. Where's my radiation suit? How the hell should I know? People are calling this a meltdown. That's one of those annoying buzz words. We prefer to call it an "unrequested fission surplus."

As long as I have my earning power, this family's got nothing to worry about. Ow! Oh! Call work and tell 'em I won't be in tomorrow.

May I help you ? We're just browsing. Thank you.

I am a robot. Do what I say. I am a washing machine. Do what I say. Take that! In the face!

Yoo-hoo, Mr. Robot.

And now, let's give a big Fort Springfield welcome... to Mr. Bob Hope! What's the mayor's name? Quimby. Beautiful. Hello, this is Bob "What the hell am I doing in Springfield" Hope. Hey, how about that Mayor Quimby?

Who are you, and why are you ruining my retirement party?

Hey, hey! These cats'd rather take their chances in the back room than go home with you. (CATS HISSING) My job was to keep Lisa's hope alive. But instead, she's really depressed. You think you got problems, look what I just pulled out of my arm!

Get in! Wha- Get... in! Hey, whets this suitcase for'? Are we going on a trip? You are.

Tough tortellini! I'm sick of printing a children's menu! Let Mickey Meatball find his own way out of the maze!

Well, as you can see, when the burglar trips the alarm, the house raises from its foundations... and runs down the street and around the corner to safety. Well, the real humans won't, uh, burn quite so fast in there. Aye!

(BRAKES SCREECHING) Your stop!

Can't you just use this recent photo? Uhh. Eh, all right. Here you go. Whoo-hoo! Who's laughing now? Eh, shut up.

Hey. What's Lucky hooked up to? A respirator. It breathes for him. And here I am using my own lungs like a sucker. And how come everyone gets a bedpan,

Did you hear that, Foxy the Fox Network Fox?

No. There is absolutely nothing else to tell you about this house. That's good enough for me! Purple drapes! All my life I've wanted purple drapes!

We're all going to die!

Homer. Use the for-- The Force? - The forks. Use the forks. - Oh.

Bart, come over here. What ? - You little monkey. You're a little monkey, aren't you ? - Yes, sir. Bart, do that thing you do that's so cute. What ? That thing you know how to do.

I am sick of you drunks and your shaggy-dog stories. Sorry, Shaggy. Now I gotta go home to that! Thanks a lot!

A beer-drinking meanie! Huh? And he gambles like crazy. I'll call. Three nines. Oh! I almost had a straight! Come to new papa. Hey, what's the deal?

Look at them, smug and secure in their finery, mocking us. They're just snowmen, Mr. Burns. Ah, snowmen have peepers. Peepers to watch-- to watch for a moment of weakness. And then, baf, comes the knock on the head, and we're down! - What do we do? - Oh, wouldn't you like to know?

Don't kid yourself, jimmy. If a cow ever got the chance, he'd eat you and everyone you care about.

It's too hot today. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! I bought this popcorn fair and square. Sorry. The bank is--

Well, I won't sleep in the same bed with a woman who thinks I'm lazy. I'm gonna go right downstairs, unfold the couch, unroll the sleeping ba-- Eh, good night.

Right! Let's bash a noggin!

Oh! Oh, that's it. I'm gonna report this to me member of parliament. Hey! Gus! I got somethin' to report to ya!

Look out, you horse's arse!

Well, good night, Son. Um, Dad? Yeah? What is the mind? Is it just a system of impulses,

just like a pencil company executive. I'd give anything for one of these. Any office supply company can have 'em made up for you. - Can I have this one? - No. Can... Lenny have it? No. Oh, that's my degree in nuclear physics. I'm sure you all have one. Oh, yeah. Carl and I each have a masters.

Am I really? Aha! Hello. All right, pal, where'd you get the sugar for that tea? I nicked it when you let your guard down for that split second. And I'd do it again. Good-bye.

Damn crappy nails! Super glue, my butt!

Well, if it'll make you feel any better, Krusty, you can punch me in the face.

Quick! Down to the fallout shelter! The bombs are dropping! Eighteen seconds. Hmm. If this were really a nuclear war, we'd all be dead meat by now. Say, you're all shivering. Are you cold or what?

Bravissimo, Luigi. Bring us your finest bottle of vino.

Three. Wrong, lady! Oh, wait. The baby.

Don't worry. It's just a name. He said it was just a name!

Hey, Moe, what'll you give me for an A.A. chip? Uh, Barney, this is a five-minute chip. Ah, it's worth a Pabst. Baby, you are gonna knock 'em dead. Here, take this for luck.

I get two paychecks this way. D'oh.

who holds back the electric Car who makes Steve guttenberg A Star we do, we do who robs cave fish of their sight who rigs every Oscar night

Eat crowd, old man! ; Hey, hey, good-bye;

We've gotta warn Grampa! Hmm. Phone's off the hook. Everything must be okay. Aw, I'm gonna give your liver such a punchin'!

Oh, man! Oh! Don't worry, kids. This is a national park. We can have lots of fun. I'm afraid that's no longer true, ma'am. Budget cutbacks have forced us to eliminate anything the least bit entertaining. Well, uh, see ya.

There's not? Ya used me, Skinner! Ya used me! Three months!

Once we get the cats out, it won't be too bad. Actually, according to the will, the cats own the house. You'd be their tenants.

Now, life is hard. Am I right? - Oh, yeah. - ts hard, all right. Wrong! Life is easy! You suck!

No. No, he can't be! I know. Maybe he's just acting stupid to infiltrate a gang of international idiots. Yeah, th-that's gotta be it. You destroyed that drug shipment? Yes, indeedy! That was my insulin! Uh-oh, SpaghettiOs!

Finally in 1992, I was reunited with that chair. It wasn't quite the same. Good God. I'm at war with a little girl. And I'm losing!

Homer. Welcome to my home, brother. Holy moly ! The bastard's rich !

How was it? It wasn't that great. Be honest. It was the greatest movie I've ever seen in my life!

Hello! Itchy and Scratchy Land, open for business. Who are you to resist it, huh? Come on. My last paycheck bounced. My children need wine. The Itchy and Scratchy Show

Keep walking. Good decision there, Homer. You showed a lot of poise. Yeah. Maybe you oughta be mayor of New Springfield.

Happy birthday, son. Great Caesar's Ghost! A talking Krusty doll! I'm Krusty the Clown, and I love you very much. Oh, Dad, this is the best birthday I've ever had.

We just make boxes here. This room is the most popular part of our tour. It's just like the other rooms. Yes, but with one important difference. Oh. We took that out. Yes, it is just like the other rooms.

Makes me sick in a wonderful, wonderful way. john. Waylon. I'd like you to meet the Simpsons. I know the Simpsons. So this is your sick mother? Don't do this to me, Waylon.

Doh ! Mr. Simpson, was that you taking that cowardly dive... into that display of heavily-salted snack treats ? - Yes, sir. - Do you recognize the gunman in this courtroom today ? Yes, I do. Fine. Would you point him out to us ? Okay.

Good for her. La, la, la, la, la, la, la Marge, keep it down in there! Homer, my audition is in half--

Okay. Gilligan, the Skipper, and Chief Wiggum. - Name three castaways. - Hi-oh! Ooh! Clancy, use the remote.

But they're out there every day protecting us from Godzilla. And don't forget pirates. And jellyfish. Those whack invertebrates will sting you, old school! So check out the navy for a two- or a four-year hitch. We signed J.C. up yesterday. What? No-o-o!

Whoa. Whoa. Hey, whoa. Let's not say things we can't take back. All right, all right. I'm sorry. But this film is never going to see the light of day. Look. They're towing away a Range Rover. There's no-- Yoink! Come on, Homer. We got a movie to premiere. Whoo-hoo!

(MANIACAL LAUGHING CONTINUES)

- I can't understand a word you're saying. - Homer Simpson! You're babbling incoherently like some sort of-- My name is Homer Simpson! Oh, you're a dead man, Burns. Oh, you're dead. You're dead, Burns!

Flanders, you saved me. Why? Heck, you'd have done the same for me. Help! Help! That's right, old friend.

Well, you want to look nice for your date. Date? Hello! For the dance? You guys have dates? Hello! Stop saying "hello"! Okay, calm down, Lisa. D.M.Y. What's D.M.Y.? "Don't mess yourself." Ew! Yeah. That's why we changed it to D.M.Y.

There's a $10,000 bill in it for you. Oh, yeah? Which president's on it? Uh, all of them. They're having a party. jimmy Carter's passed out on the couch. Wow! I'll be right there.

"Beer goggles. See the world through the eyes of a drunk!" Wow! You're charming the pants off of me. What did you say, Aunt Selma? I said take off those damn glasses!

Well, who is a model... employee? Simpson will do just fine, sir.

This party's just getting started!

You have reached the office of Homer Simpson. If you are calling about the water bed, please leave a detailed message. If you need-- Get back to work!

There's no Councilman Les Wynan. Good line though. Mayor Quimby, you are well-known, sir, for your lenient stance on crime. But suppose for a second that your house was ransacked by thugs, your family tied up in the basement with socks in their mouths!

Mrs. Bouvier! Mrs. Bouvier! Mrs. Bouvier! Honey, are you sure you wanna be Mrs. Montgomery Burns?

Do we want Old Man Patterson here with his finger on the button? What button? What the hell are you talking about? What-- What button? Where am I? Who took my false teeth?

That's a typo. Dad, can't you have some other kind of party? One where you don't serve meat? But all normal people love meat. If I went to a barbecue and there was no meat, I would say, "Yo, goober! Where's the meat?" I'm trying to impress people here, Lisa. You don't win friends with salad.

Come on, Bart! The Coast Guard's covering the "Doo"! A do-do-do-do-do A do-do-do-do-do A do-do-do-do-do A do-do Who's the greatest billionaire in the world? You are!

Oh, that's unsexy. Ew! D'oh!

Oh, man. Plain cake doughnuts. Thanks for taking all the fancies, guys ! Why can't I ever get here on time ?

Don't you-- I'll kill you. Homer Simpson, you're under arrest... for the murders of Moe Szyslak and Apu Nahasa-- pasa-- Ah, just Moe. Just Moe. It wasn't me. It was the hair. Freeze, hair ball!

So there's no need to lure my dad into the trap I set for him. The trap! They call me mellow yellow Quite rightly This fellow never bellows Quite rightly Mmm.

Okay. Wedgie! Whoa!

April Foo-- That sounded like an explosion at the old Simpson place. Forget it. That's two blocks away. Looks like there's beer coming out of the chimney. I am proceeding on foot. Call in a code eight. We need pretzels. Repeat-- pretzels.

And I gave that man directions even though I didn't know the way, 'cause that's the kind of guy I am this week. Ah! Lousy Isotopes. They're a disgrace to baseball.

Okay, we're gonna open it up with a little improv. Somebody shout out a location. This castle! Okay. How about an occupation? Usurper of the throne! I think I heard "usurper of the throne." Now finally, I need an object. Ear poison!

That freeloading fatso!

I'm gonna rescue a baby seal, and then I'm gonna save an otter! Whoa, whoa, whoa. I'm sorry, but all the animals have already been reserved for celebrities. There. That's 104 pounds of sandpipers. You mean there's nothing left to clean?

I'm not normally a praying man, but if you're up there, please save me, Superman.

with a number he calls "Kernel knowledge." I'm hot buttered check it and see I got A fever of 453 I'm hot so very hot Four? Oh, no!

I did it! I changed the world. Now I know exactly how God feels.

Mel Brooks is jewish?! Krusty, are you all right? Yes, it's just that saying the Brucha brings back a lot of painful memories. The old days... my... my father. Hey, Krusty, you going to finish that meat loaf, or what?

What's wrong, Homie? I went to the record store today and they were playing all this music I never heard of. It was like the store had gone crazy.

TAB: What are you eating now? HOMER: Cheeseburger. TAB: You're a catastrophe. Let me have half of it. HOMER: I don't wanna. TAB: I just want the cheese. I don't want the meat. I do want the meat! HOMER: Here's a corner. TAB: Let me just bite it. Don't rip it! Let me have the whole thing! You'll get some later! HOMER: You're a selfish jerk! TAB: I've smelled it. It has to be eaten. HOMER: But it's my burger!

Watch this, Ned. They don't call me Springfield Fats... just because I'm morbidly obese.

This is Dick Clark, rockin' down to the year 2000. And that was Whitesnake.

Damage report, Mr. Moe. Sonar, out. Navigation, out. Radio, out. Enough of what's out. What's in? Ice-blended mocha drinks and David Schwimmer. Yes, he is handsome in an ugly sort of way. Captain, how are we supposed to get home with no equipment?

Oh, egads! My roast is ruined. But what if... I were to purchase fast food and disguise it as my own cooking? Delightfully devilish, Seymour.

- Meet me tomorrow for brunch. - What's brunch ? You'll love it. It's not quite breakfast, it's not quite lunch, but it comes with a slice of cantaloupe at the end. You don't get completely what you would at breakfast, but you get a good meal. - I don't think so. - Marge, darling,

Here he is. This is where the magic happens. Wonderful news, Homer. Is it about pies? I, um-- No. We're going to hold a show devoted entirely to you. Wow! It's like Marge's dream come true-- for me!

And now, I wanna show you what you're fighting for, if there was a war on. Little Miss Springfield. Isn't she beautiful?

Your husband suffers from a persecution complex extreme paranoia and bladder hostility. If you talk to him without mentioning Bart you'd see how sane he is. You mean there really is a Bart? Good Lord!

Don't you see what you've done? Sideshow Bob hasn't reformed. He's pure evil! Oh, if only you knew what he was thinking! I hope they still make that shampoo I like.

Yes. Over here. In Episode BF12, you were battling barbarians... while riding a winged Appaloosa. Yet in the very next scene, my dear, you're clearly atop a winged Arabian. Please to explain it. Ah. Yeah. Well, whenever you notice something like that, a wizard did it.

Gorilla's Choice. Hmm. Now, uh, everyone follow me to my chair, where I just need to get off of my feet for a few minutes.

I am riding on a bus. Hey. Aren't you that guy everybody hates? Oh, my, no. I'm Monty Burns.

(GROWLS) (BEEPS) Whoo-hoo! Free gas! Well, it's a pleasure to meet another sultan of the slow lane. That's my rig over there. She's a Roam Away Silver Coach. 34 feet of walnut-burled freedom.

And you're inside out it's worse than that flesh-eating virus You've read about Vital organs They are what we're dressed in The family dog is eyeing Bart's intestine

Uh, hello, uh, Mrs., uh, Bart.

Stop looking at me. Keep dancing. Don't you know how to dance? Watch me.

Are you having an affair? No! Have you kissed her? No! - Has she kissed you? - Couple of times. I want you to stop seeing her. I can't. I'm her manager. Her manager! That's ridiculous. I won't allow you to spend any more time away from your family. You're standing in the way of my boyhood dream... of managing a beautiful country singer!

Wait a minute. Capital City has a mascot. The greatest mascot there is-- the Capital City Goofball.

What do you mean? You've clearly taken items from the candy rack and placed them... on top of the doughnut in an attempt to pass them off as sprinkles. Well, it was like that when I got here. It really was! A Mounds bar is not a sprinkle. A Twizzler is not a sprinkle. A jolly Rancher is not a sprinkle, sir. Perhaps in Shangri-la they are, but not here. Oh.

Oh, shoot. I'll sign. Figure them sugar folk owe me for what they done... to my cousin, Dia-Betty. I'm trying to slim down... so I can fit into Mama's coffin. That's my reward. Ugh.

Homer, do you want your son to become chief justice of the Supreme Court... or a sleazy male stripper? Can't he be both, like the late Earl Warren? Earl Warren wasn't a stripper.

It tastes great, makes women appear more attractive, and makes a person virtually invulnerable to criticism. Won't somebody please think of the children? What kind of an example are we setting? Ladies, please. All our founding fathers, astronauts and World Series heroes... have been either drunk or on cocaine.

Well, this is a lovely gesture, but... we still have to face the fact that I'm not really Seymour Skinner. Oh, no, we don't. judge Snyder.

But I'm in the middle of a trial. Excuse me. Hello, David. I'm really tempted. just take it one day at a time, and know that I love you. I love you too, man.

Look. A salute to safe sex. Ha-ha-ha.

Krusty, we're from the network. We have some bad news. I'm afraid your show's been canceled. I thought this would happen.

Ow! Oh! Ow! Dad, are you okay? Yeah. In fact, I feel fantastic! That trash can must've unkinked your back! Not trash can, Son-- Dr. Homer's Miracle Spine-O-Cylinder! Patent pending.

- Oh! - "Trojan. Ramses. Magnum. Sheik."

Who'd have thought a whale could be so heavy? Geez, it's the feds!

Doctors. Doctors are idiots. There's no telling what kind of permanent injuries he might have. You might have to wait on him hand and foot... for the rest of his natural life. Oh, wow. That's the down side. Now, here's the good part. You can-- ching-ching-ching-- cash in on this tragedy. Wow ! Excuse me, Mr. Hutz. Are you a shyster ?

Good-bye, Moe. Bye, Professor. Hey, don't you wanna take your shoes off before you go swimmin'? Professor? Oh. Oh. Um-- Hmm.

Uh, why don't you come over here... and make yourself more comfortable? No. Why don't you come over here and make yourself comfortable? I'm sorry. This whole concept's foreign to me. Who knew a baby would be so much work? Having a baby isn't supposed to be work.

I am! I am! We're here! We're queer! We don't want any more bears! We're here! We're queer! We don't want any more bears!

His boots are ivory. His hat is ivory.

Okay, once more, where are we going? To Capitol City. And why are you and the old lady in the car? We're gonna talk Armin Tamzarian into coming back. And why is Marge here? I came up with the idea. And why am I here? Because the streets of Capitol City... are no place for three unescorted ladies.

Sweet dreams. We may be the best parents in the world. Mm. Good night, dear. Good night.

I'm asking you nicely to open the doors! Take it easy, Marge. How about if we dope you up real good? Let me off! Let me off! Let me off! Let me off! Let me off! Let me off! Let me off! Let me off! Let me off! Let me off! It's okay, Marge. We don't need to go on a trip.

I do the voices of Itchy and Scratchy. You? But you're a lady. She's a lady all right. A beautiful lady. Hey, that really is you! How'd you get to be so good? Oh, just experience, I suppose.

Leo, slow down!

Mom, he's doing it again! Bart, quit it. Quit it! Hey, quit it, quit it, quit it. Mom!!

ShAving my shoulders I'm gettin' it all shaved off Homie, someone's at the door. They want to talk to you about some sort of car accident? Take the kids out back. I'll handle this. Mr. Simpson?

Bad day at the rat races? Yeah. A crazy guy shot a bunch of people, and a subway ran over my hat.

saying we didn't want you in our family, but those were just actors playing us. How do you know? Because one of them hung out with me for a week, trying to get my character down. Yeah, me too. That midget taught me a lot about his native Estonia. The point is, the real Simpson family missed you a lot, and we're really glad you're home. I love you guys.

That technology is three months old. Only suckers buy out-of-date machines. Uh, you're not a sucker, are you, sir? Heavens, no! Oh, good. Because if you were, I'd have to ask you to leave the store.

"It's Raining Men"? Yeah, not no more it ain't. Ow! Ooh! Joke's on them. I'm still alive. Cheer up, Homer. Can't.

My body was crushed, so I had head grafted onto your, shall we say, ample frame. I can wake up. It's all a dream. It's just a dream. Oh, that's right. It's all a dream... or is it?

Die, you chalk-faced goons!

Two. One. Have you been up all night eating cheese? I think I'm blind. Wha-- Good day to you.

HAWKING: Badda-bing, badda-boom. And we're done.

Oh! This is the worst Fourth of july ever. I hate America.

They fight and fight they fight and fight and fight fight-fight-fight, fight-fight-fight the itchy & scratchy show! Mmm.

just take it! Take it, take it, take it, take it, take it! Take it!

f Female Announcer] Howdy, partners. My name is Sheriff- f Homer's Voice f Lisa Simpson. f A nnouncer] i sure am hungry for my favorite food- f Homer's Voice] McNuggets. I dont like McNuggets. I'm a vegetarian.

besides occasionally wearing the underwear,

We love the Leader. No!

- Oh, McBain. - mmM.

Gavin, honey, help Mommy pick a cereal. Oh. How about Alfalfa-Bits? Those suck! I hate this store!

Not if we buy our tickets on the Internet. It's really cheap if we change planes in Phoenix, Honolulu, Sun City and East Saint Louis, spend a night in a haunted house and leave right now. Then it's settled. The Simpsons are going to Brazil! And I'll have been on every continent. Except Antarctica.

So, you wanna go on tour with a traveling freak show. I don't think I have a choice, Marge. Of course you have a choice. How do you figure? You don't have to join a freak show just because the opportunity came along. You know, Marge, in some ways... you and I are very different people.

Because he is the fat, selfish epitome of modern man! Hey, he stole my bit! - Now we shall probe you to see if you are worthy. - Yeah, word for word! Okay, let's see what we've got. It has to be on channel 3. Yes, yes.

What we need is a scapegoat.

Rural Route 9. Army Proving Ground. Um, excuse me, sir? When does this bus get to the museum? It doesn't. Oh. But isn't this the 22? Yeah, Monday, Wednesday, Friday. Tuesday, Thursday, it's the 22-A. 22-A? Then where the heck am I? Don't make me tap the sign.

Mmm, maybe we should call it a night. Okay. I should get home to my daughter before that naked talk show comes on.

The kids love her, the house is spotless and my hair's grown back. It's so full and thick it can support a beach umbrella. Come to bed, Marge. Oh! Ooh-- No, no. Leave it in.

killing wild donkeys and Israel. Good old government.

(SQUEAKING) I'll dance for my money!

I'll show him who's a sponge. Well, if it isn't Wee Willy Washout.

Okay, Mom. Anyway, my point is...

Oh, by no means. My dad left my mom after she got hooked on cough drops. By the end, her breath was so fresh, she wasn't really my mother anymore. Oh. So I guess I'm not alone.

You see-- I like to walk down the avenue Bust a move with Disco Stu You shake me from my booty to my fro Yes, I strut down the boulevard Burning off my excess lard

One, two-- Hey. What's the big idea? Oh, I admit it. It's only two alarm. Two and a half tops. I just wanted to be a big man in front of the kids. Daddy, are you going to jail? We'll see, Son. We'll see.

Ay, ay, ay, my gates. Ay! johnny C. gave me those.

You know, smelling flowers? Such expensive flowers, filled with remorse. Anyway, we gotta book a guest host! How about Jon Stewart? He's a son, a lover and a pundit rolled into one sexy package! (GROWLS) He'd be perfect! So forget it!

A gun is not a weapon, Marge! It's a tool, like a butcher knife or a harpoon... or, uh, an alligator. You just need more education on the subject. Tell you what. You come with me to an N.R.A. meeting, and if you still don't think guns are great, we'll argue some more.

Oh, for God's sakes, my little girl is-- Hello. Homer, what's going on? Shouldn't you be at work? - I am at work. This is what I do. - But-- - Keep it moving, Marge! This isn't a parking lot! - I'm sorry. Whew!

That's where I saw the leprechaun. Right. A leprechaun. He told me to burn things. Uh-huh.

Hmm. Shall I cross the final frontier? What's this? "Stolen funds. Pothole money used for swimming pool"? There's no emoticon for what I'm feeling!

Oh! I thought the Generals were due! He's spinning the ball on his finger! just take it! Take the ball!

Come on! It'll be fun!

Can you tell us what it's like in there? Um, it's like, uh-- Did anyone see the movie Tron? No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. Yes. Er, um, I mean, no. No.

Yello. Is this Homer Simpson? Yeah. Homer, I just used our last time out to call and congratulate you on averting nuclear holocaust. Well, thank you. If you play on that ankle, you'll be in pain. I don't care.

Oh, really now, that's too much. It's Sideshow Bob! You wrote me those letters. You awful man!

Hm. Hm. Hm. Mmm! Mmm! Forbidden doughnut. Hmm? Well, well. Finishing something?

They're controlling our minds with flu shots. I knew it! Well, kids, now aren't you glad we don't believe in inoculations? Yea! Mommy?

We need the outlet for our rock tumbler. Plug it in! Plug it in! What, the rock tumbler or the TV? The TV! The TV! Show Wow! They'll never let us show that again, not in a million years!

All right. For you, I will give up all clear liquors. Really? Even Zima? Hey, I only drink that when I'm already drunk. You really mean it? Hey, anything's possible with a little help from my Bible. Oh, no! It's a real one! No!

Flanders! Flanders! What? Flanders!

just call the front desk and ask for Andre, okay? (CLEARS THROAT) Oh, uh, sorry, I'd tip you, but I don't have any cash. You know, you could wish for some. I could... Wait. Before you go, there's one thing I gotta know. What happened to my family?

Mr. Sparkle, a joint venture of Matsumura Fishworks... and Tamaribuchi Heavy Manufacturing Concern.

I couldn't help but notice your respective predicaments.

If you're happy and you know it shop at Stan's Giant discounts on your favorite major brands Attention, shoppers. The mall is now closed. Okay, folks. You heard the recording. Clear out.

If that thug thinks he can run me out of town-- Oh man, I love this song! I been drivin' all night and it's wet on the wheel There's a voice in my head that drives my heel It's my baby callin' on the telephone I got some pizza and I'm bringin' it home

Although maybe this music will help. Now, you lost someone special, and it hurts. I'm lucky because I never lost anyone special to me. Everyone special to me is under this roof. - Oh ! - It's true.

Thank you for coming. I'll see you in hell.

Mmm ! - Aah. - Mmm ! - Aah. - Aah. Pretty soon you will be ready to try it with a real book. That was funny !

That's right. Keep eating. Little do you know you're drawing ever closer to the poisoned doughnut. There is a poisoned one-- isn't there, Smithers? Uh, no, sir. I discussed this with our lawyers. They consider it murder. Damn their oily hides!

"You will not see me again until I am a man." Oh, Homer... Homer!

They even brought their lawyers to Thanksgiving dinner. So, uh, how's everybody doing? You don't have to answer that. Shut up, all of you, or I'll sue. Oh, save it for your next book, you little snitch. That's assault! That is assault!

Is your husband or lover here, ma'am? No, my husband is... at church. Aw, that's my girl. I love you, Marjorie. - Yeah, she's quite a gal. - You shut up.

but I, who feel that tranquility far outweighs the actual catching of fish, am using nothing. I see. And what's your name, son ? I'm Bart Simpson. Who the hell are you ? I'm Dave Shutton. I'm an investigative reporter who's on the road a lot, and, uh, I must say that in my day, we didn't talk that way to our elders.

D'oh! I mean, hey. Good morning, Father dear. Hope you're well. Are we taking the new Lexus to Aunt Patty and Selma's funeral today? Hmm. Fabulous house, well-behaved kids, sisters-in-law dead, luxury sedan.

Oh, yes, we won! We won! We won! Um, unfortunately, since I bet on the other team, we won't be going for pizza. Well, boy, you won. So I'm gonna live up to my side of the agreement.

Don't let the haircut fool you. I'm exceedingly wealthy. Get a load of the bowl job, Marge. Your Internet ad was brought to my attention, but I can't figure out what, if anything, CompuGlobalHyperMeganet does. So, rather than risk competing with you, I've decided simply to buy you out. This is it, Marge. I poured my heart and soul into this business,

They fight, they fight they fight and fight and fight fight, fight, fight fight, fight, fight The itchy and scratchy movie

Homer, didn't you get any milk? All I see is eggnog. 'Tis the season, Marge! We only get 30 sweet, noggy days. Then the government takes it away again. I think I'm having chest pains.

(GRUNTING) Now, to do something I've never done before. Help out an old man. "Postcard image, thing to see..." (RUMBLING)

How are you, Bart ?

Hey, that's a half-truth.

I prefer my phrasing. It's great of you to come over, Lisa. I really want us to be friends. You're a wonderful person. Hi, Lisa. I'm Alison's father, Professor Taylor. I've heard great things about you. Oh, really? I-- Oh, don't be modest. I'm glad we have someone who can join us in our anagram games.

G'oh! You do this every time, ya-- Oh, you-- Chokin' on my own rage, here.

And now humanity must be judged! The fate of your planet rests on one human being-- Homer Simpson! Why him? Because he is the fat, selfish epitome of modern man! Hey, he stole my bit! - Now we shall probe you to see if you are worthy. - Yeah, word for word!

He is the benevolent, enlightened president and C.E.O.... of Kwik-E-Mart, and in Ohio, Stop-O-Mart. He is the one I must ask for my job back. Approach, my sons.

Listen, shut up for a second. How would you like to marry Apu so he doesn't get deported? I'd rather eat poison. My name's already Selma Bouvier Terwilliger Hutz McClure. God knows it's long enough without Nahassapetapeeta-- whatever. From now on, I'm only marrying for love. Possibly once more for money.

Yes. And you call them steamed hams despite the fact that they are obviously grilled. Ye-- You know, the-- One thing I should-- - Excuse me for one second. - Of course. Well, that was wonderful. A good time was had by all. I'm pooped.

I am nature's greatest miracle ! I'll need three weeks' vacation and moving expenses. You got it, buddy ! Let's go shopping ! Ooh. Beauty. A man's suit should make him feel like a prince.

Gold! Gold! Beautiful gold!

Well, if it isnt Bat-mensch and the Goy Wonder!

My pants. Caught on barbed wire. Good Lord. "Choke." An A-bomb. I'm becoming radioactive.

Perhaps you also remember this laser Bart gave me earlier. I cant see! How ironic. Now he's blind, after a life of enjoying being able to see.

Ooh, that's bad. But it comes with a free frogurt. That's good. The frogurt is also cursed.

I'll call my agent. He'll find some kid who wants in on the deal.

My name is Barney, and I'm an alcoholic. Mr. Gumble, this is a Girl Scout meeting. Is it? Or is it that you girls can't admit you have a problem? Don't cry for me. I'm already dead.

And this is Selma...

Oh, my God! What happened? They went belly-up like all the other Internet companies. Looks like the bubble burst. Bubbles can burst? Yeah. But it's a golden age for the repo business. One that shall never end.

"Helms calls for doughnut tax." There. Done and done.

I'm sure I'm alive, but why? You've raised the bar for all of us, Simpson, and I thank you. Wow. Praise from Caesar. Huh? Shoot the tires out, Lou. Uh, it's a tank, Chief.

(CHOKING) (GRUNTING)

It should be... Gary Oldman. Dad, I'm no fan of Bart's cartoon, but you have a real problem with anger. I'm just passionate, like all us Greeks. No, you're angry. Look, you're punching the cat right now. Oh, I am-- Oh, my gosh, you're right! I'm a rage-aholic.

It was only a dream. Bart! Is that you? Yes! Take out the garbage.

(RUMBLING) (GASPING) What's that rumble? LISA: It's a media circus. Woo-hoo! The circus! A media circus. Woo-hoo! I don't know the difference. LISA: ABC, CBS. Uh-oh. The Christian Science Monitor has a flat tire. I'll get the spare.

Don't worry, Marge. America's health care system is second only to japan, Canada, Sweden, Great Britain-- well, all of Europe. But you can thank your lucky stars we don't live in Paraguay.

This isn't right. This isn't right at all. Ugh. Aw. I'll have to eat my way out. Agh! It's terrible.

Son, how's it going with the breakfast pâté? I'm on it.

No one told me the plant was closed. Didn't you get the e-mail? What's an e-mail? It's a computer thing-- Like an electric letter. Or a quiet phone call. I don't have a computer. Too bad. That's why you're at work while we're living it up on our day off.

so we offer a range of alternatives for the ample gentleman. Ponchos, muumuus, capes, jumpsuits, unisheets, muslin body rolls, academic and judicial robes. I don't wanna look like a weirdo. I'll just go with a muumuu.

Oh. So much metal in my eye. Ladies and gentlemen...

What's going on here? Oh, Yentl. I might have known. That Yentl puts the "she" in yeshiva. Hmm. Well, you've cooled down. That's what you think. You know, I rented another tape... in case you felt better.

I'm going to give you the only name you spelled correctly. From this day forward, your name shall be-- "Max Power"?

Dad, you know anything else about women? Nope, that's it. Hey, brush-head, you've been nursing that thing for an hour. You know, I was just wondering how someone who works at an ice cream store... keeps such a trim figure. I've misjudged you.

It must be awful to be all alone in the world. Well, I always had my music. I learned at the feet of Blind Willy Witherspoon.

And how come Batman doesn't dance anymore? Remember the Batusi? Nice meetin' ya. Just keep moving. Don't make eye contact. Ooh. Wow!

And I say England's greatest prime minister was Lord Palmerston! Pitt, the Elder. Lord Palmerston! Pitt, the Elder! Okay, you asked for it, Boggs. Uh!

Hey, Homer, where you going? Going for... eight-hour walk. Homer. Homer. Homer sleep now.

I can't help it if I donated the most blood.

Ooh. Lost a few. Oh. Well, there's plenty more where that came from. Uh-oh. A zit. No problemo. The perfect crime.

Ow! Hey, hey! No fighting in my bar!

Marijuana. Well, I guess he didn't like you after all. He just smelled your narcotics. Book him, boys. Hold on, Chief. It might be medicinal. Oh, yeah! Medicinal!

Why, you little..! What the..? D'oh!

Bart, I know you're not wild about having me for a babysitter,

he'll sting you with his dreams of power and wealth beware of Scorpio his twisted twin obsessions are his plot to rule the world and his employees' health he'll welcome you into his lair like the nobleman Welcomes his guest

Well, I'm convinced. A professional-looking film like that has gotta be right. I agree. Two area codes is more convenient.

this film will scare the pants off of ya. Aah! Guys, guys! This is the wrong movie. Oh, wait a second. I do something really funny here.

What are you waiting for, ioser? [Man Announcing f Possible side-effects include ioss of scalp and penis. What did they say about my scalp? Dont worry, Dad. tsjust a commercial. No one will remember this in 50 years. Ha-hal

"William H. Bonney. Gunned down July 14, 1881. Aged 21." So young. "l dream of a world without guns." Dont we all, William?

I concur! (BOOING) Son, did you ever suspect it was me? Well, you did disappear a lot but I've gone whole summers without seeing you. (LAUGHS) Yeah. I'm pretty unreliable. I like you, Son.

Where's Bart? His Mountain Dew is getting flat. That's odd. He's outside digging. Probably digging for drugs. There's no drugs out there. No, of course not. It's not a school project. I'd have heard of it. I'd better go check it out. What are you doing? Diggin'.

Early reports indicate, and these are very preliminary, that one of the fighters is a giant lizard. Do we have a source on this? Uh-huh. A bunch of drunken frat boys. All right. I could use some names. I.P. Freely. L--

where a mysterious person in black keeps a solitary vigil. I've got it! We're going out, Marge! If we don't come back, avenge our deaths! All right! Whoa! Bonanza! - Let's load it up before the rats regroup. - Right.

Bart's making faces. Where's my red cap? Alley balls? Your wife is dead. I haven't flushed a ball in years. Noooo!!

Money in the bank.

Yar. A couple of these and your first mate turns into Reese Witherspoon. Pour me another! Just take the whole leg. What's with all those rapping grannies in the movies? If I ever start rapping, just shoot me in the head.

I take it all back. Always be yourself. You wanna be sad, honey, be sad. We'll ride it out with you. And when you get finished feeling sad, we'll still be there. From now on, let me do the smiling for both of us. Okay, Mom. I said you could stop smiling, Lisa.

Huh? - What? - Aaah! Yes! Aaah!

Have you slept with anyone famous ? Well, Countess von Zeppelin and I-- What in blaze ! Now, you listen to me, you bargain basement Baudelaire ! I'm not some dizzy starlet who can't string two words together ! I can write this thing myself ! You're fired !

D'oh! (SCREAMS) (BRAKES SCREECHING)

Everyone sucks but me. Oh, yeah. Cheer for Tom. Give all your love to Tom. (LAUGHS) I'm the worst thing to happen to sports since Fox.

Dad! Do you know what today is?

Well, thankily-dank, Mayor. I shan't disappoint. "Har" ye. "Har" ye. I declare myself pickled tink... about Springfield's bicen-citally,

Hey, my favorite-- raspberry swirl with a double glaze! Double glaze.

He's young, he's slim,

Roll the ball for me, Marge. Let me see your form.

Shake, shake, shake shake, shake, shake Shake, shake, shake His ass is gonna blow!

What are you doing, Lisa?

ANNOUNCER: End of round one, 230 rounds to go. B-R-L-F-Q spells mom and dad But that ain't too bad, because that's my boy You look a little sluggish out there, boy.

Boy, you don't have to follow in my footsteps.

Oh, you're feisty. I'm gonna give you a Madonna cut.

That was amazing! I hope the kids didn't hear us. Oh, wow. Well, Burns looks happy today. Watch me, uh, take advantage of his good mood.

La-la-la-la la-la-la la-la, la-la la-la, la-la-la La-la, la-la-la la-la, la-la Dad, can we talk to Grampa alone for a minute? All right. But if he starts to wig out, try to lure him into the cellar.

you'll see Rainier Wolfcastle filming his latest movie, Saving irene Ryan. You put me down, you big lummox! jed! Shut up, old lady. And stop kicking me there!

(TIRES SCREECHING) D'oh! (SCREAMS) (BRAKES SCREECHING) (SUCKING)

Slow down, you sidewalk-surfin' cube-gleamers!

Well, Bart, your Uncle Arthur used to have a saying, "Shoot 'em all, and let God sort 'em out." Unfortunately, one day he put his theory into practice. It took 75 federal marshals to bring him down. Now, let's never speak of him again.

Bart! Let your father tell the story. Yeah. Okay, but I know funny. Anyhoo-- We're doomed! - Homer, you had a head. - Check. - And your bottom was a little bigger. - Ohh. You've worked hard at the bowling alley.

Eh, we could do that. Uh, yeah.

They got us cornered, boy. We'll never get away. Give me the head.

Mom, my slingshot doesn't fit in these pockets, and these shorts leave nothing to the imagination. These uniforms suck. Bart, where do you pick up words like that? Yeah, Moe, that team sure did suck last night. They just plain sucked. I've seen teams suck before, but they were the suckiest bunch of sucks that ever sucked.

Okay. This is hopeless. Oh ! Hmm ! Well, old-timer, I guess this is the end of the road. I know I haven't always been a good kid, but if I have to go to school tomorrow, I'll fail the test and be held back.

and even in the animal kingdom. But why do the brawny prey on the brainy? Is it jealousy? Yes. Yes. No. The reason is chemical. Not possible. That's impossible. Chemicals are our friend. She's a witch. Please, Dr. Koop. Let me demonstrate.

Wow, Dad. You really know your monorails. Homer, there's a family of possums in here. I call the big one Bitey. I'm going to see Mr. Lanley.

Tail made out of snakes. Who else is it gonna be? Jesus? Je-- je-- Ohh! Don't you kids know anything? The serpent of Reheboam? The well of Zohassadar? The bridal feast of Bethchedruharazzeb? That's the kind of thing you should start learning at baptism.

Hmm. I see. I sure hope they don't have an ice cream round. Mmm. I don't think that bridge can support much weight. Well, Maggie weighs a lot less than-- Oh, I'll just go.

Where in the hell is Milhouse? That one shot cost us a million dollars! Where's the producer? I want to talk about this coffee.

MARGE: Bart, Lisa went over to Janey's. Quick, run inside and go potty. Hmm. Why should I go inside? The world is my toilet now.

Now, that's real acid, so I want to see goggles, people.

And one more thing. I never once washed my hands. That's your policy, not mine. You whippersnapper! You show him, Abe! Quit!

Come on, kids. We're gonna visit Grampa. Then we're gonna take the dog to the V-E-T. Huh? Then take Bart to get C-I-R-C-U-M-C-I-S-E-D. Huh? Uh, I'll tell you what it means when it's over.

There's just one piece left in the puzzle. But I've caused so much trouble already, General Washington. I can't go on. We had quitters in the Revolution too. We called them Kentuckians.

Skinner with his crazy explanations The superintendent's gonna need his medication When he hears Skinner's lame exaggerations There'll be trouble in town tonight Seymour! Superintendent, I was just-- uh, just stretching my calves on the windowsill.

Uh, what's your address so I can come arrest you? Arrest me? Um, my address, it's, um, 123 Fake Street. 123 Fake Street. Got it.

A buck. I have a buck. I have one dollar. I have one dollar there. Do I hear two? Sold-- for a buck.

These guys must be millionaires. I'll bet they get all kinds of girls. I question the value of this assembly. It will be a pleasant memory when they're pumping gas for a living. This is the dawning of the age of Aquarius

Yeah, that's swell. Duff wholeheartedly supports the designated driver program. Now, who wants to party?

The reason we're not allowed in the forbidden barn... is because there is no intergalactic spaceship. He's taken our money just so he can... build one hell of a spaceship!

Oh, this isn't fun. Maybe if you didn't go to the bathroom so much, you wouldn't be so small. Oh.

Marge, kids, let's go buy some happiness. God bless you, Bart Simpson. I'd kiss you, but Doctor says I'm sick.

Hmm. Hey, boyo, what's so funny? Well, it's-- Ah, you wouldn't be interested. It's too lowbrow. No, I'm quite lowbrow.

Me too. Now, let's get going. I got a date with Eudora Welty. Coming, Eudora! Excellent. Bribing those two judges has paid off, just as it did during the Miss Teen America pageant. How can you vote for Burns's movie?

Got to heaven before you, Flanders! Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!

(SCREAMING) (CHUCKLING) ALL: Sherri smells, Terri smells Stinky all the way Stink, stink, stink. Stink, stink, stink One horse open sleigh (BOTH SCREAMING)

What do you mean, isolated?

It's okay, Son. Who cares what a bunch of fourth-graders think? You're doing what you want to do with your life. Nothin' else matters. Thanks, Dad. That's great advice. Yep. Well, that's what got me where I am today. Oh. There, there.

Product Day? No, no, no! No. It's got to be warm and fuzzy-- something like, um, Love Day, but not so lame. Happy Love Day, everyone! Come on, Mom. The stores just invented this holiday to make money. Lisa, don't you ruin another Love Day.

Wait up, guys! I gotta empty my grass bag! "Hell's Satans," huh? I'm watching you punks. Can't hassle us, pig. We're goin' the speed limit. Oink, oink, oink. Yeah, pig. Yeah. Oink, oink, oink.

...The itchy & scratchy show!

What happened to you, China? You used to be cool. Hey, China is still cool. You pay later! Later! Solid. The rest of you, go on home and look in your mailboxes... 'cause I totally remember sending checks out.

Honey, are you sure you wanna be Mrs. Montgomery Burns? Wouldn't you rather be Mrs. Abraham j. Simpson? No. I don't wanna be either. Hot diggity damn! That's good enough for me!

I used to fly to Vegas in it with Dean Martin. One night he looked out the window, and the moon hit his eye like a big pizza pie. We wrote a song about it, but it ended up infringing on one he recorded years before.

You're not all hung up on looking attractive and desirable. I-it's just so rare and refreshing.

Four out of five, Simpson. Impressive. But you missed your last target. Did I? Ha-ha!

Hello, handsome.

Hi. I'm Phoney McRingring, mascot and president of the telephone company. I'm here to explain why the convenience of one area code in... Your town. has been replaced by the convenience of two area codes.

Hallelujah. Hallelujah! Aww.

I... hate... you, Walt... freakin'... Whitman!

Oh, who am I kidding? I'm no farmer. Well, if it isn't Mr. Salad Fork. You couldn't grow stink on a monkey.

wrapping up a beautiful Presidents' Day. To George and Abe and all the rest, here's a special song just for you. I was working in the lab late one night When My eyes beheld an eeRie sight doggone it! For my monster from his slab began to rise

Marge, after a lot of thought, I've decided to run the Springfield Marathon. Oh, please. You get exhausted watching The Twilight Zone marathon. I'm a regular Billy Crystal.

Ah, what the hell do you want-- You still owe me $50-- Slow down. Slow down! Alfred Hitchcock stole every idea I ever had! He came into my room and-- Who's been stealing your thoughts? Did you ever read The Old Curiosity Shop? They made that with john Gielgud--

Whoa, mama! The electric chair! Smell that, Ralph? That's the smell of justice. Smells like hot dogs. Hmm. Maybe it still works. Give me the newlyweds from that cake.

Bart, you're doing a bang-up Job. There were some corridors in this school you'd never go down. Now I feel safe anywhere. Every day is a new fight, sir. Bart, the school is a police state. Students are afraid to sneeze. I have you to thank. Come with me.

Bob is not here. We have searched every square inch of this base, and all we have found is porno, porno, porno!

Look, if I was under 17, I'd be in school, right? Yeah, I guess you're right. Enjoy Boob-A-Rama, sir.

Now, remember, we're in the Itchy Lot.

Hey, Homer! Can I join? This gang's for rebels, Flanders, not "conformos." - Yeah! - Buzz off! Well, if I were a member, we could use my rumpus room as our lair. That guy just don't get it, do he? My rumpus room with the new bumper pool table? Bumper pool? I'm there.

I graded this morning's test over lunch, and most of you did quite well. I got a "B." No, Ralph. That's an "F." I must have spilled some KahlÚa. Perfect, Lisa. And you got all the extra-credit questions, even the one that got cut off by the copy machine. Well, I guess I was just on a roll.

Looks like you called me just in time. This home isn't secure at all. What did I tell you, Marge? Intruders could come in down the chimney, through the mail slot, even hidden in your groceries.

Iron helps us play! Hello, Joe! Bart? There's someone in here who wants to meet you.

Let's see, something for the lady... ah-- Radioactive Man vs. The Swamp Hag. Got any girl comics like Bonnie Crane, Girl Attorney Punkin and Dunkin, the Twinkle Twins or li'l Knee Socks?

Look. There it is. Oh, Homie. Homie, I'm so sorry I doubted you. I bring you love. Is that the love between a man and a woman,

Bart, it's so sweet of you to take the family out to Krusty Burger. Hey, some people in this family are doers, and some are "don't-ers." Don't you call me a-- Ugh. Take that, Lisa's beliefs!

Silence! Cease all quips and comebacks! Look! You weren't in dress rehearsal, so you're not in the show!

Hi, pumpkins! Kids! Back away, not today Disco lady Have you been in here all day? You missed all the fun. Skiing fanny first into a crevasse isn't my idea of fun. The only risk I'm taking is running out of marshmallows. Ow! Somebody get a doctor!

I'll kill you if you don't give me some peanuts. He-Here you go, mister.

His soul Hyah! Hyah.

The snow's melted. We can go outside again. I don't like the looks of those teenagers.

Hawaii, here we come. No. No. We're going to Paris. I can feel it. Come on, Transylvania. No, mon, let's go home to jamaica. I and I been in Babylon too long.

Wait! Where's the hyperspace?

Is something wrong, Mr. Simpson? I don't like wearing tights, ma'am. But so many of your heroes wear tights. Batman, for example. And Magellan. Look, I don't like this cootie platoon, and I never will.

Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife? I do. One groom-- Two grooms? But he-- But you can't-- Oh, my medication! Radical! Is that your final answer?

Mmm! Unprocessed fish sticks.

Move it, chowderhead! We call it Three Stooges syndrome. So what you're saying is I'm indestructible. Oh, no, no. In fact, even a slight breeze could-- Indestructible.

but it seems to me that everyone who got to keep the old, or "classic," 636 area code... lives on the rich side of town! Oh, poppycock! I never! Eeeww. And as usual, we Joe Twelve-Packs get the royal screw-job!

Honey, I know you wanna see japan, but we're down to our last million yen. Don't worry, ichiban. I'll show you something japanese. Oh, it's beautiful, Dad.

Now hold on, Kang. You can't bully my audience with your fancy ray gun.

Oh. Sorry. Marge? Vote Quimby. - Sorry. - Down here, Homer! Oh, Marge, there's so many things I wanna yell to you! Come down here! Okay!

How'd they get your bar back to normal so quickly, Moe? It's a snap when you use certified contractors. - Like the ones found in your local yellow pages? - Exactly. I'm sorry I shot you, Moe. Aw, that's okay. It's like my dad always said, "Eventually, everybody gets shot."

Uh, your fish are dead. Yeah, I know. I can't get them out of there.

I've been racking my brain, trying to think of something to cut from the budget.

But I like that film biography idea. A slick, Hollywood picture to gloss over my evil rise to power, like Bugsy or Working Girl. Get me Steven Spielberg! He's unavailable. Then get me his nonunion Mexican equivalent.

An elephant just knocked over your mailbox. Okay.

Oh, man, that's good!

Except when that drunken cop started firing at those seagulls. Ah! Get 'em off!

You heard her. She said no. Legs, Louie. Advance on them.

Mom, Bart wrecked my project, and the science fair's in three days.

I wish we could see their happy faces. Sin of pride, Roddy. I'm sorry. Sin of regret. The house is slightly askew. To the panic room! Aaah!

Oh, I get it. "Bart, the babysitter's here." "Let me tuck you in." Silence! Huh? Maybe it's time I wash my hand.

Welcome aboard, son. I got the job. I got the job! Whoo hoo! Only in America could I get a job. Who was that young hellcat? Homer Simpson. Simpson, eh? I'll remember that name.

Oh, no! An anti-escape orb! Huh. That was easy.

I've had it with that school.

Okay. Wait a minute. That's bad!

Gee, thanks, guys. This is just like The Deer Hunter.

Are you kidding? It's a wondrous, marvelous thing. Marge, I need you more than anyone else on this entire planet... could possibly ever need you. I need you to take care of me, to put up with me... and most of all, I need you to love me, because I love you.

Yeah, I knew we wouldn't win. Well, why didn't you tell the rest of us? Why did you keep it a secret!? If you were 17, we'd be rich.

That was a nice film I had once. Last time I try to impress a four-year-old. Well, see ya, kid. You can't just go back to the gutter. You created Itchy. You should be a millionaire. Ah, Roger Myers wouldn't give me a cent in the '20s. Why would he give me anything now?

Ee-eew. Lisa, the blob has got me! Don't touch me, or it'll get you too! Dad, you have to put chlorine in the water every day to keep it clean.

Ah, honey, I know what you're going through. When I was a girl, I had a crush on Bobby Sherman. The point is I want you to stop making these calls. All right, Mom. I promise you will never be billed for another call.

Would it help if I told you you're not responsible... for Krusty's death? Yes. Yes, it would. Well, I can't. You'll just have to learn to live with your mental problem.

Hey, they's throwin' robots! They are throwing robots. He's disrespecting us. Shutuppayouface! Shut up your face. What's-a matta, you? You ain't so big. Me and him are gonna whack you in the labonza!

Of course I'm Batman. See, here's a picture of me with Robin. Who the hell's Robin? Oh, I guess you're only familiar with the new Batman movies. Michelle Pfeiffer. Ha. The only true Catwoman is julie Newmar, Lee Meriwether or Eartha Kitt.

Wow, a shoehorn. just like in the movies. Shoe goes on, shoe goes off, shoe goes on, shoe goes off. Shoe goes on, shoe goes off. Hey, I call first bedsies. Bart, there's no such thing as first bedsies. You just made that up.

- Yeah, I can still crash here, right? - Get out. Remember when I dropped my keys, and you thought the phone was ringing? Oh, yeah. Get out.

Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. This needs more eye of newt. You always want more eye of newt. If it were up to you, the brew would be nothing but newt eyes. Well, look who's here. If I knew you were coming, I'd have baked a cat. What a day. They found out I was a witch, so I had to leave my family.

It was known as the University of Minnesota Spankelogical Protocol. And that's just about eight months, mmm, now.

(ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYING) So, any plans after graduation? Travel. Do you need a traveling companion, perchance? Travel canceled.

Stop kissin' that cat, and get in the car!

Bart, you're going to kindergarten. Kindergarten! Ha!

Oh, my God! The dead have risen, and they're voting Republican! No, Bart! Don't you see? Dead people can't vote! Look! Prudence Goodwyfe. Died 1641. She voted for Bob too. So did Buddy Holly, Richie Valens and The Big Bopper.

Wanna split the birthday cupcakes? Live from Shelbyville, it's The Springfield Squares, featuring our new center square, Homer "Perfect Game" Simpson. Hey! Hi, Ron. There's a stairway, dumb-ass!

Homie, are your really going to ignore Grampa for the rest of your life? Of course not, Marge, just for the rest of his life. He said I was an accident. He didn't want to have me. - You didn't want to have Bart. - I know, but you're never supposed to tell the child.

I didn't do anything funny, sir. Shut up. Mr. Simpson are you quite sure you know how to take care of a pony? Of course. Simpson, you've done it again.

(AUDIENCE BOOING)

Drop it, boy! This is a special report from Channel 6 News. Disturbing news from the old well, where Timmy O'Toole has apparently taken a turn for the worse. It's very simple, Kent. The child is reverting to a feral or wolf-like state.

I'm rich again!

Son, I just want you to know whatever that judge decides... I'm gonna be the best dad I can.

painkillers... and a vocal-cord scraping. Don't worry. You won't feel a thing... till I jam this down your throat. The whole ordeal leaves Mr. Burns twisted and disoriented.

Dad, push "exit."

And did I mention that the monster... is a ten-year-old boy? Quite a twist, huh? Betcha didn't see that one coming. Good morning. - Morning. - Good morning, dear. Hiya, Bart. How's my boy?

It's almost lunchtime. Do you know where your brother is tutoring? Tutoring? The only thing Bart's teaching is guerrilla combat in Shelbyville. Well, do you have a number where we can reach him? No. Mom, Bart and some kids ran off to wage war on Shelbyville! Homer, come quick!

Ooh! Mmm... hot wax. Oh, hammer. ...Fight, fight, fight fight, fight, fight The Itchy & Scratchy Show

Doh ! Mr. Simpson, was that you taking that cowardly dive... into that display of heavily-salted snack treats ? - Yes, sir. - Do you recognize the gunman in this courtroom today ? Yes, I do. Fine. Would you point him out to us ? Okay.

I don't hear an alarm. Let's take stuff. Whoa! Isn't that stealing? No, it's just looting. Sweet. Let's go nuts. Hot town Summer in the city Back of my neck gettin' dirty and gritty Mannequins! You can't buy these!

Don't worry, Son. I'll get you a new elephant. I'll take that one too. Done. - I'll be back in the morning to pick up Stampy. - Here's the keys. Elephants don't have keys. I'll just keep these then.

Marge, Marge! You're a little late. She's gone to the hospital. The hospital?! I'll drive you. Thanks, Mom. Don't ever call me that. Where's the baby?

Seymour! The house is on fire! No, Mother. It's just the northern lights. Well, Seymour, you are an odd fellow,

Da-da. Da-da. Did you hear that, Homer? Marge, please-- I'm busy.

Oh. Okay, Marge. I'll get along with them. Then I will hug some snakes. Yes! I will hug and kiss some poisonous snakes! Now that's sarcasm.

I was doing my best to resist her, but at dinner, the fortune cookie predicted doom. "You will find happiness with a new love." This was a really nice night, Homer. Yeah, yeah. What's wrong?

Shut up with that pen scratching down there. I will send you every cent I earn for the baby but you will not see me again until I am a man.

I'll never be able to do this trick. Never! Go. Go! Ohh! Ohh! Ohh! Hey, I'm doing it! I'm doing it! I'm the greatest clown in the world!

Whoa! It's like Speed 2, only with a bus instead of a boat.

Stupid heater! Don't make me come in there. Why do you always wait until Christmas Eve to do your shopping? The crowds are just beastly. You know me, Marge. I crave the hustle and bustle.

Well, I hope Bob fed you 'cause I ate your dinners.

Damned ceremonies. This is time I could be working, Mommy. We'd like to dedicate this next number to a very special woman. She's 100 years old, and she weighs over 200 tons. This enormous woman will devour us all! Aaah!

I'm gonna enjoy this.

It doesn't matter!

So unless they have a television in there or can hear my loud talking-- Ow, ow, ow, ow. Well, I guess that answers that, doesn't it?

I'll save you, Dad. I can't get any closer. You'll have to jump! Piece of cake, son. Crap! Crap! Crap! Crap! Crap! Crap! Crap! Crap! Crap! Crap!

It begins! Give me that! Stop him! Barney, no! Give me that bottle! No! No! No!

but we've also expanded into other important areas. Literacy programs, preserving our beloved covered bridges, world domination. World domination? Oh, that might be a typo. Mental note: The girl knows too much.

Then we figured out we could park them in front of the TV. That's how I was raised, and I turned out TV.

Let's try it right now. Eh, oh, there's some candy right here, sir. - Why don't we eat this instead of stealing? - Oh, very well. Mmm. Mmm. And look. There's a photo in here. Mm, yes. I believe that's little Maggie Simpson,

Oh, I get it. "Bart, the babysitter's here." "Let me tuck you in." Silence! Huh? Maybe it's time I wash my hand. I'll send Laura over to babysit as soon as she gets home.

I don't believe in keeping feelings bottled up. Good-bye, my wife. Good-bye, Homer.

So, if you're tired of dating the same old losers-- What are you doing, Homer? step up to the best. Ned Flanders, the man with the chest. Ew!

We Germans are not a warlike people, but even we have limits! Right! Let's bash a noggin! Yeah, get her! That's the spirit!

Hey! We can get away in their pouches! Eew! It's not like in cartoons. Yeah. There's a lot more mucus. Mom, you said I could have one souvenir, right? Well, I want a didgeridoo.

The carnival! We need money, fast. Well, well, well. Looks like somebody's gonna have to do some yard-- It's carnival time! Here's money, kids. Take what you need. Oh, boy! Free money! All right, free money! Whoa! Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding!

Oh, warm, wooly rock, you're my only friend. (ROARS) (EXCLAIMS) (ROARING)

I don't need any more money. I'm not greedy. As long as I've got my health and my millions of dollars... and my gold house and my rocket car, - I don't need anything else. - Yes, but-- Not interested. Dad, can we have $183,000?

Wiggum forever! Barney never!

We gotta get to the hospital, Homer!

Oh, Woodrow, how could you stand me up? Mrs. K., you don't need him. There are plenty of good men around. Name one. What's wrong with Principal Skinner? Seymour? Hmph. Let's just say his mommy won't let him out to play. What about Coach Fortner? Glug, glug, glug, glug...

We're here! We're queer! We don't want any more bears!

I can't stands no more! Mmm. Mediciney.

Get moving, you stupid-- When I'm kicking you, that means hurry up. Come on.

for that army experiment to avoid dinner at my sisters'. Mr. Simpson, you do realize this may result in... hair loss, giddiness and the loss of equilibrium? Yeah, yeah, yeah. just give me the serum. It was worth it.

Tyler, is there a peaceful solution possible? (TYLER COOING) (BEEPING) (GASPING) All right, that's it. Show's over! Five, six, so long, hicks!

It's time to put an end to this. Bart, I'm borrowing your blue crowbar. Good ol' Blue-y. Hey, she's gonna smash the angel! Somebody stop her!

Do you need some hot air? We congressmen are full of it. I blather on for hours. Yap, yap, yap, yap, yap, yap, yap, yap, yap, yap, yap, yap, yap, yap, yap, yap, yap, yap, yap.

Dad, no! We're trying to conserve energy. Lisa, if we start conserving, the environmentalists win! Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Jingle Bell R--

(CLICKING) (LAUGHING IN FRENCH ACCENT) (LAUGHING IN JAPANESE ACCENT) (LAUGHING IN BOTSWANAN ACCENT) (MIMICKING SEAL LAUGHTER) Stupid Internet. Whole world laughing at me. (BRAKES SCREECHING)

Family, religion, friendship. These are the three demons you must slay if you wish to succeed in business.

You don't have to start drinking right away. I was thinking we could go for a bike ride. But, Marge, the barflies are expecting me-- Moe and Barney and that guy who calls me Bill. But you look better. You don't sweat while you eat anymore.

Ah, nobody touched my rumaki. Rumaki!

No! Oh, no. I just made my last payment. Oh.

I withdraw my question. Uh, excuse me, Mr. Simpson. On the Itchy and Scratchy CD-ROM, is there a way to get out of the dungeon without using the wizard key? What the hell are you talking about?

Senator Mendoza is one of the most respected citizens in this state, McBain, and yet you ran his limo off a cliff, broke the necks of three of his bodyguards... and drove a bus through his front door ? But, Captain, I have proof that he's head of an international drug cartel. I don't want to hear it, McBain ! You're out of here !

And since I'd achieved... all my goals as president in one term, there was no need for a second. The end.

Hey, I could really use one ofthose. No arguments here. Man, I really come off like ajerk in this thing. - ii - Mom, Dad, my birthdays coming up... and Girltech Turbo Diaries are in stores now. Lisa, nobody likes a shill. Just buy me the friggin' toy.

Thanks for cushioning my fall. I didn't cushion your... (GRUNTS) Chloe, I saw your report on Kuala Lumpur. Truly hard-hitting. Thanks, Tom. I really appreciate that. (CHUCKLES) So I... You know, I was wondering... Yes?

Hyuk, hyuk, hyuk. Well, we're still on. 346 consecutive hours, and all because of one little boy who-- who won't let me stop!

Hey, go on, boy. Go get it. Answer the phone. D'oh! There's gotta be something on this thing for that thing. Ahh. Ohh.

Furious George! What have they done to your beautiful face? Ohh, there, there. Smithers, this monkey is going to need most of your skin.

Classic. Not hard to see why it's England's longest-running series. And today we're showing all seven episodes.

Hey, foamy. I want the news, not the weather. Marge, did you hear me zing werewolf Flanders? Diddly!

'Bout yay high, blue hair, big dent in her forehead? No, honey. Gladys looked more like your Aunt Patty. Oh, yeah. There she is. The funeral's in Littleneck Falls. Looks like we'll have to go to Duff Gardens another time. We understand. No use complainin' about something you can't change.

We want no on 232! Yes on 242! Either way. The important thing is the system works. And the bumper stickers misspelled "on." They all say, "Yes No 242." And it's the night before the election and you haven't handed them out!

1968, Mexico City. Bob Beamon shatters the world long jump record. Ow! And in 1984, Portugal's Carlos Lopez... becomes the oldest Olympic marathon winner ever... at age 38.

Look! A rocket ship! That's not a toy!

I hope you're all satisfied. You bankrupted a bunch of naive movie folks. Folks from a Hollywood where values are different. They weren't thinking about the money. They just wanted to tell a story. A story about a radioactive man, and you slick small-towners took 'em for all they were worth.

Oh, yeah. That's a fine-looking-- D'oh! Okay, no big deal. Stupid Lisa!

What's your secret, Flanders? Goat placenta? Monkey sweat? Some kind of electric hat? Holy water? It's holy water, right? Aah! It burns! Listen, folks. There's no magic formula.

Don't be sad. It's Carnaval!

Homer, what are you doing? Something I should have done a long time ago. I'll teach you to mess with my machine! I'm gonna chop you good! That cost me 35 cents! You're just making it worse! I promise I won't hurt you!

Uh-oh. That's toxic waste!

Are you tired of having your hands cut off by snowblowers... and the inevitable heart attacks that come with shoveling snow?

A princely sum-- well, a handsome sum-- that can end this little imbroglio once and for all. Five hundred thousand dollars. Goodness ! Up-up-up-up-up. Don't answer me now. Relax.

Uh, excuse me. I'd like to request $17... for a push broom rebristling. Why, it's that delightful TV leprechaun! I'm going to get your Lucky Charms. oh, no. My brains.

Lisa, we may not make it.

Oh. Oh, I've been there, man. ...has been canceled. What? Instead we bring you The Boring World of Niels Bohr.

Personally I think I'm overdone. God, if you really are God, you'll get me tickets to that game. Hidilly-ho, neighbor. Wanna go to the game with me? I got two tickets.

Aaah! You killed me, Bart! You killed me, Bart!

Actually, I do. Goodbye. Krusty, what's wrong? I just found out I'm not Jewish.

blush ourselves to death. Oh, my. This is taking a long time.

These aren't reptile eggs. You've been cheating! No matter where Mr. Burns hits the ball, you put a fresh one on the green!

There we go. That's the last I'll see of Mr. Trampoline. Yep, it's finally gone. D'oh!

I'm your host, jay Sherman. Thank you. Tonight, we review an aging Charles Bronson in Death Wish IX. I wish I was dead. Oy!

Flight 7, Marrakesh to Springfield, now boarding. just a moment. Don't shoot! Don't shoot! They're souvenirs. You must pay a fine of two American dollars. Okay.

It's laxative-free for today's lifestyle.

I'll have coffee. Want it black, don't you? Black like your heart. It's so hard to listen. I hate you all so much! I'm sorry. It's my problem. I'll deal with it.

Maggie shot Mr. Burns again!

Sure. I'll just stand here. Mmm, I can't wait to eat that monkey.

Hey, it's a guy in a goofy Burns head! Act like Burns. (LAUGHS) That's him to a tee!

Fool me twice, shame on Wu! Ling, you're gonna be very happy in America. Unlike everyone else there. (GIGGLING) Selma Bouvier, this man is not your husband. And for that, no adoption!

Bart, do you want to see my new chainsaw and hockey mask? Oh, sorry. What am I thinking?

All right, Simpson. You get your soul back. But let that ill-gotten doughnut be forever on your head.

Thanks for poisoning the planet, bastard! Get bent! No more Chernobyls! Go to hell!

you could have been carrying A sequined purse

And in environmental news, scientists have announced that Springfield's air... is now only dangerous to children and the elderly.

In the morning. Oh, Mom, I'm borrowing your car.

In our mad pursuit of a scoop, we members of the press sometimes make mistakes. Rock Bottom would like to make the following corrections.

The only thing I'm high on is love-- love for my son and daughters. Yes, a little L.S.D. is all I need. All right. Sounds very good.

I am waiting for a-- Whoa! Ooh! Aah! I didn't do it.

You? Why would you like me? No girls like me! Are you wearing a wire?

It's time for the main course! Back to class, lad. Nothin' to see here.

I knew Bart would panic and start perspiring... at the sight of this button applicator. Couldn't you have just turned up the heat a little? Oh, heavens, no! It had to be terror sweat. Oh, yeah. This is good.

Aww! Your cable TV is experiencing difficulties. Please do not panic. Resist the temptation to read or talk to loved ones. Do not attempt sexual relations, as years of TV radiation... have left your genitals withered and useless. Well, I'll be damned.

(LAUGHING DIABOLICALLY) (MARGE SCREAMS) I've gotta save them!

Dude, you're lying on top of me. Dude?

You put it together yourself. All you need is me-- Allen Wrench. He's named after what he is. Cool costume. It's not a costume. They found me inside a meteor.

Moe, I need your advice. Yeah? See, I got this friend named Joey jo-jo junior Shabadoo. That's the worst name I ever heard. Bye, joey jo-jo! Oh, what the hell? It's me. I'm attracted to another woman. What am I going to do?

- Dad, don't you want to know where we're going ? - No. Discount Lion Safari ! Damn these childproof doors !

Okay, Homer, stay calm. just quietly get this stuff inside your house. Homer, you're not listening!

'Ere you go. Oh, who am I kidding? I'm no farmer. Well, if it isn't Mr. Salad Fork. You couldn't grow stink on a monkey. Leave me alone, you big bully. Oh, I'm just razzin' ya. It's my way. Here, have an ear on me.

Doggy. Well, don't feel too bad for him, folks. He's in here for erecting a nativity scene on city property.

I mean, hello! I guess we'll be going down together. - I mean, getting off toge-- - I mean-- - That's okay. I'll just push the button for the stimulator-- I mean, elevator.

D'oh! Stupid roller skate.

This is the Dj-3000. It plays CDs automatically, and it has three distinct varieties of inane chatter. Hey, hey, how about that weather out there? Whoa, that was the caller from hell. Well, hot dog, we have a "Wiener." Man, that thing's great.

What a disgraceful display! I've seen more orderly behavior in a Ritz Brothers film. You all need a serious lesson in teamwork. Maybe he does, but I don't. Hey, you take that back! No! You take that back! Hit him, Carl! You too, Lenny! D'oh!

Well, what about in the sentence "Jim Nabors is way cool”?

Hey, man, you're harshing my buzz. Anyway, it all started when I was-- You go, Homer. Whoosh!

Man has always loved his buildings. But what happens when the buildings say, "No more"?

I've been hoping I could find something that would be named after me. And you've never found anything? Once. But by the time I got to a phone, my discovery had already been reported by Principal Kohoutek. I got back at him though. Him and that little boy of his. Anyway, that's why I always keep a cellular phone next to me.

Oww! Thank you, SpringShield! Friend? The only friend you need is SpringShield. Monster put in wallet. That commercial is very effective.

Lower! Lower! There goes my turn. This is not good. Aw, nuts.

Eyewitnesses estimate the man's weight... at somewhere between 400 and 500 pounds. On the lighter side of the news, and I use the term loosely-- Doh ! No ! The slide is perfectly safe. This was an isolated incident.

Hmm? But, Gravey-- Yea!

Do I detect a note of sarcasm? Are you kidding me? This baby is off the charts. Oh, a sarcasm detector. That's a real useful invention.

All right, loony. Show me what you got. Is that the best you can do? Oh, my. I hope that rug was Scotchgarded. Must kill family.

Geech gone to heaven, Mr. Terwilliger. Oh, Cousin Merl, really! Temper, temper. You know Cousin Merl ain't been quite right lately. I'm telling you, Cecil, I can't take much more of this!

Milhouse, lower those eyebrows. And the other one.

I don't like your attitude, you Watercooler dictator. What do you have in that secret government file anyway? I have a right to read it. You sure do.

- Or an inlet. - Or a fjord. Quiet! I will not hear another word against the boat. - Okay, TV off. It's family time. - Oh, but, Marge! Knightboat: the crime-solving boat. Homer, you promised. One night of family time a week.

Oh, my God! What happened? They went belly-up like all the other Internet companies. Looks like the bubble burst. Bubbles can burst? Yeah. But it's a golden age for the repo business. One that shall never end.

I'm gonna wear my apron on the Fourth of July.

Yes. Oh ! - Champagne ? - Please. There, my darling. Thank you. What cosmic force brought us together, Marge ? Destiny ?

- Thanks for coming. - I please to aim. I'm so happy. I just had to tell someone. I have a boyfriend.

They fed us gruel. They forced us to make wallets for export. And one of the campers was eaten by a bear. Oh, my God! Well, actually, the bear just ate his hat. Was it a nice hat? - Oh, yeah. - Oh, my God!

Me mind on fire Me soul on fire What a charming neighborhood.

You girls were all great. Cats back for everyone. - I had a dog. - Is cat now!

Stu, we like to downplay the resemblance to tic-tac-toe. I can dig it. Hit me with the center square. Uh, Homer? Yes, Kent? According to Redbook magazine, what is the speed of light? Well, that-- Uh, well, wait. Uh, do I read from the sheet labeled "jokes" or "answers"? Oh, for the Lo-- Stop tape!

So I said, "I must get out of these wet clothes and into a dry martini." Well said. Thank you. Oh, good Lord. There's a fly in my drink. I put it there. - You did ? - I slipped it into your glass as a gag. Pure hilarity ! Pure Homer. I pronounce it to be the most whimsical jape of the season. Quite.

Well, I don't need safety gloves, because I'm Homer Simp-- Frank Grimes-- or "Grimey," as he liked to be called-- taught us that a man can triumph over adversity, and even though Frank's...

But I did tip off the feds... as to the whereabouts of our good friend Milhouse. I'm telling you. I didn't do anything. I don't care. Ouch! My glasses!

I don't feel so good. Maybe I oughta eat something. Oh, I'm afraid your eating days are over. How long do I have to live, Doc?

Who am l- Abe Lincoln!

Hmm. Nah. What the hell's this? Melvin and the Squirrels. Part of the rodent invasion of the early '60s. Stuck a feather in his cap and called it-- Rice-A-Roni Melvin!

Oh, Homer, there's a bird on your head. I know. He's grooming me. Mm, elephant fresh.

ass! I'm afraid our furnace isn't working. Yeah, what's the story? But let's just put it out of our minds... and turn to the lamentations of jeremiah, long version.

The Rand Corporation, in conjunction with the saucer people-- Thank you. under the supervision of the reverse-vampires-- are forcing our parents to go to bed early... in a fiendish plot to eliminate the meal of dinner! We're through the looking glass here, people.

Why that little--

I kicked a giant mouse in the butt. Do I have to draw you a diagram?

'Cause him's a commitment dog, isn't him?

Now, you know I can't sell you no beer till 2:00 p.m. on account of it's Sunday. Huh? If you can't sell beer, what are Lenny and Carl doin' here? Huh? Oh, we're just watching the sun move across the sky. When it gets to here, we can drink again. But I need that beer now! Sorry, 2:00 p.m.

So long, dental plan! Dental plan! Lisa needs braces. Dental plan! Lisa needs braces. Dental plan! Lisa needs braces. Dental plan! Lisa needs braces. Dental plan! Lisa needs braces.

So, in summary, NBC bad, Fox good." CBS great.

Even-- Even though, you know, m-many of us, we-- we didn't-- we didn't watch his show. Th-Thank you.

That's it! Go to your room!

Marge. Oh, Marge. I've got something for you. Oh, Homie. Houston, we have a problem. A sexy problem. Homie. Well, look at you. I'm gonna maul you.

D'oh! Ow! Oh, Lisa, thank God you're okay. D'oh! Ow! D'oh! Ow! You said to crush him, right? No! Are you sure you don't wanna go to a doctor?

Oh, glory of glories!

I'm a neurotic nerd who likes to sleep with little girls. Hey, that really sucked!

"I've had some bad experiences with these ads. "I'd like to learn more about you, so write soon. Here's a photo that will get your pencil moving." You've got a date with the Xerox machine.

It cost me 50,000 Bazooka joe comics.

And if the ref's not looking, you can kick him a couple of times. Who's gonna knock you down? No one! When are you gonna fight back? Never! What are you gonna do? - Nothin'! - That's my boy! Man, you'd never get me into a ring. Boxing causes brain damage.

Dad, what happened to the backseat? I had to sell it for gas money. Which I spent on a novelty horn.

Let's see... football... football... Homoeroticism in... Oddball Canadian Rules... Phyllis George in...

We'll just see about tha-- Uh-oh. Well, maybe he made a mista-- No. It's airtight. Can't let this little doozy get out.

Never have I seen you look so unhappy while purchasing such a large quantity of ice cream. The reason I look unhappy is that tonight... I have to see a slide show starring my wife's sisters. Or as I call 'em, the Gruesome Twosome. Ow, my foot, you lousy, stupid, clumsy-- Sorry, pal.

Now, Apu, when you gave me this keg,

Well, I guess we don't have to do that. Um, look, Dad. I got something to tell you. Can it wait, son ? It's getting kinda dark.

Mr. Simpson, we all have nosebleeds. Oh, for the love of-- What's wrong with this phone? It's making crazy noises. Those crazy noises are computer signals. Some guys at M.I.T. are sending us reasons why Captain Picard is better than Captain Kirk.

you twinkle above uS we twinkle below good morning, starshine you lead uS along You said you'd bring them peace and love, and it looks like you did it.

- Oh! - Touching. You knucklehead! A little help! I'll give you a little help. Oww! Oww-oww-oww! Oww! Oww! Oww! Oww!

Dad, Mom's getting worse. You have to take her to see a real psychiatrist. Look how tense she is. She's fine. Oh.

Mattingly, get rid of those sideburns. What sideburns? You heard me, hippie.

Wow. We really get to keep these fruit baskets? Well, they used to give us champagne, till somebody ruined it! Do they really think he'll do better with fruit? Ooh, Mr. Movie Star... gets to park right next to the stage. Oh. Luck of the draw, I guess.

Your baby is dead. That's what you'd hear if your baby fell victim... to the thousands of death traps lurking in the average American home. "Springfield Baby-Proofing"? You-- You really scared us. Sorry about that. But the truth is,

Smithers, come over here and help me write a mash note to my girlfriend.

Uh, excuse me, Mr. Simpson. On the Itchy and Scratchy CD-ROM, is there a way to get out of the dungeon without using the wizard key? What the hell are you talking about?

"Marge" is already taken? Mmm, how about "Marjorie"? Uh, sorry, ma'am. Mmm, how about "Mitzi"? Uh-uh. Uh, you can have "Nitzi." - Hmm. "Nitzi." - I'm out of here.

I passed ! I got a D-minus ! I passed ! All right ! Mmmwah ! I passed ! I passed ! I passed ! I passed ! I got a D-minus ! I passed ! I got a D-minus ! I passed ! I got a D-minus ! I passed ! I passed ! I... kissed the teacher !

Well, Simpsie, you up for another wave ? All right, Burnsie. Whoa ! Whoa ! Whoa ! Whoa ! Aah ! Aah ! Aah !

Both of them? It's a big country. Ladies, I apologize. And you, sir, are worse than Hitler.

That's cheating! Bart cheated! Young lady, in the third grade, we dont care for tattletales. And we dont care for moaners either. Sobbing only pushes Bats grade higher.

Could I turn on the radio? English - US - Line 21

Wait. Rhinos don't come from eggs. What did you just see, Lisa? I know, but-- - What did you just see? - Hmph.

I call the big one Bitey.

I'm Mr. Burns. Blah, blah, blah. Do this, do that. Blah, blah, blah. I think I'm so big. Blah, blah, blah! Destroy him. Blah, blah, blah. Look at me-- Ow! This party is over.

Brilliant! Brilliant! Okay, let's do another, but this time, try to look scarier. Kind of like-- - Grr. - Gorgeous! Gorgeous, baby. That's it. That's it. Your fingerprints are just like snowflakes. They're both very pretty.

What began as a traditional soccer riot... has escalated into a citywide orgy of destruction. Reacting swiftly, Mayor Quimby has declared mob rule. So for the next several years, it's every family for itself!

Go suck a Bible!

Indeed, I am. Because we all know you're a naive pawn-- puppet if you will-- of the most diabolical political genius... Springfield has ever known-- Birchibald T. Barlow!

Oh, no. I'm going to preserve the evidence until Mom and Dad get home. And you'll never babysit again!

Lisa, help! Oh. What's wrong with us? Oh, I don't like the looks of this. You don't? 'Cause that's what I said. Tell her, Bart. Shut up! Shut up! We better check with a doctor.

This Portobello mushroom eats like a steak. A rubbery, fungus-like steak. (RUMBLING) Oh, Marge, I'm giving birth to a food baby! - (RUMBLING) - Oh! I feel like something crawled inside me and took a crap.

Uncle Moe! Thank you, ma'am! This'll be a treat! Uncle Moe! Here I am, while you eat!

Here's your scepter. Oop! just kidding. Here you go. Oop! just kidding. I deserved that.

Good-bye. Front desk, there's been a terrible accident in my room! Poor Selma. You were having...

but he's not some kind of food-crazed maniac. Ah! Oh! That's raspberry.

and Lisa's gifts were going to waste.

for a firsthand examination of the controversial creature. They are now ready to announce their findings. Uh, ladies and gentlemen, uh, distinguished colleagues, after extensive biological and anatomical testing, I regret to announce that the evidence we have is... inconclusive.

How can someone with glasses that thick be so stupid? Listen, you don't have a soul, I don't have a soul. There's no such thing as a soul! Fine.

Homer, I don't want you driving around in a car you built yourself. Marge, you can stand there finding fault, or you can knit me some seat belts. Sorry, sorry. Dad, you got a letter from the City of New York. Throw it away.

Smithers, where does that tube go? I'm not sure, sir. It was here when we moved in. Dance! Dance! Dance! Dance!

and he sold his good name to a quack medicine company. Oh, and later he raised turkeys. That was on his turkey farm. Hmm. Mmm. Mmm.

Mr. Boggs, will you be on my team? You got yourself a player.

Oh, honey, I didn't realize how much that horn meant to you. Don't worry. Daddy's gonna get it back. I don't know how, but I'll figure out something. Thank you.

As you can see, Simpson, I have taken over all 78 channels, and you won't see any of your favorite shows again until you give in!

BABY 1: Ha-ha! BABY 2: Ha-ha!

Yes. I should be-- Good Lord! What is happening in there? Aurora borealis. Uh-- Aurora borealis at this time of year... at this time of day in this part of the country... localized entirely within your kitchen? Yes. May I see it?

I'm not looking for glory or wealth. I'm just buying that stairway to heaven Jesus sang of. That was Led Zeppelin. Get back to your bong, hippie.

Dr. Zaius, Dr. Zaius Can I play the piano anymore Of course you can Well, I couldn't before Dr. Zaius, Dr. Zaius This play has everything. Oh, I love legitimate theater.

Maggie, can you point to the monkey? What do babies know? Maggie, can you point to the credenza?

I didn't know you, jay Leno and a monkey were bathing a clown.

My eyebrows! My beautiful eyebrows!

MARGE: I am so sick of that story about finding an onion ring in your French fries. It was 20 years ago. HOMER: That was my Woodstock! Oh! You know what started all this trouble? This motor home. How can a vehicle this cool destroy a marriage that crappy?

This is great! And all I've done is enter my name-- Thrillhouse!

Hmm, with little tiny baby-sized gifts.

- No! - Who else? Uh-- Uh-- Oh. MacGyver's gay. Oh! You bad-mouthed MacGyver, didn't you? Ma-- Uh-- Ma-- Huh?

You're not going to school today. Today your classroom will be the Capitol City Amphitheater. Your teacher-- four dozen rock bands. So get ready for some well-supervised craziness... while you rock out with your father! Whoo-hoo!

The Itchy and Scratchy Show

You want your mike back, local anchor? This just in. I'm pissed off. Hi, fellas. Chloe, you want to feel my muscle? (CHUCKLES) Chloe has such an amazing life.

Ay. Que dÍa miserable a trabajo.

- Please. - No.

I can't believe Mom wrote a book before we did! And it's a little trashy. Mom has expressed herself. We should nurture her. Let's kiss boys! Binge and purge! Rock and roll! You're not gettin' out till we're 16. (GROWLING)

Whoo! Yeah. Losers! Losers! Kiss my big Springfield behind, Shelbyville! Whoo! Ha-ha! I am invincible! Invincible! You're-- Ow! Oh!

"Zork"? What is "zork"? I didn't say "zork"?

Chesty LaRue. Chesty LaRue? just try it for two weeks. If you're not completely satisfied, you can be Busty St. Clair. I don't want to be Chesty LaRue or Busty St. Claire. Fine. Hooty McBoob it is. Good night, Homer. Sleep tight, Hooty.

But it's important to-- Listen! Yes, I know! But there's more to it than-- I have listening skills! Mr. Simpson, would you please-- Shut up, judge! Peek-a-boo! I see you! Peek-a-boo! I see you! I never heard Maggie laugh like that before. Well, when was the last time Dad gave her that kind of attention?

And, Gummy joe, where would you be without that dental plan? Well, I wouldn't have old chomper here, that's for sure. You know what I think of this contract? This!

Could Homer Simpson be a Communist? His father spoke out on his behalf. My Homer is not a Communist. He may be a liar, a pig, an idiot, a Communist-- But he is not a porn star!

Marge, kids, let's go buy some happiness. God bless you, Bart Simpson. I'd kiss you, but Doctor says I'm sick.

Good evening, again, Springfield. Krusty the Clown, the beloved idol of countless tots, now nothing more than a common, alleged criminal. His trial, which begins tomorrow, has taken center ring in a national media circus... as children of all ages from eight to 80...

Today is my birthday. You promised you'd get me something and... and I'm afraid to ask. Maybe you should trust that instinct and not ask. I thought so. Oh, Bart, you...

Is that story true, Grampa? Well, most of it. I did wear a dress for a period in the '40s. Oh, they had designers then.

They can be a handful... of joy. - Shut up! - They'll fill your lives with-- - just shut up! - Can't put a price on a miracle. I can't believe you don't shut up. Oh, look at that. Ooh, a gingerbread house. Hansel and Gretel are set for life.

Hey, Simpson. I'm feeling a mite peckish. Mind if I chew your ear? Dad, you killed the Zombie Flanders. He was a zombie?

Another incredible performance by this water-loving wonder horse!

Holy smokes! That's it! From now on, I'm thinkin', actin' and lookin' young. And I'm gonna start with a bottle of Buzz Cola. Oh! Ow! Ow! The bubbles are burning my tongue! Ow! Ooh. Water! Water!

Wow! A strike! Hey, if that's psychotic, then why am I takin' these? Oh! You're polishing bone! Hey, Homer. That's four strikes in a row!

Cut to commercial!

(BOOING) Show me where in the rulebook it says that a human can't be a robot. Right here. Rule One. Well, then... Join us next week for more inconclusive action on Robot Rumble! I concur! (BOOING)

Oh, yeah. How is old Grimey? He's dead! Like you should be. Wait. Frank Grimes wasnt married. How could he have a son? He happened to like hookers, okay?

Okay, then. Yes. Vent the stupid gas. Aw, no! The corn! Paul Newman's gonna have my legs broke. Bart and Lisa have to go to school...

I said step, pause, turn, pause, pivot, step, step, not step, pause, turn, pause, pivot, step, pause! Ooh! Shudder!

Your Frisbee jammed the juice-ilator, Homer. Our entire shipment is ruined! Uh, uh, pretty, uh, freaky, huh? The only people who are going to be freaked out are our stockholders!

Whoa! That's good Squishy. What's it like, Bart? Bart? Bart? Give me that!

Desperate, eh? Advantage: Burns. This is my offer. You'll find it's most unfair, but those are the breaks. But this is half of what we paid you. That's my final offer. Take it or leave it.

The only thing that's over is that transmission. Is this the untimely end of Milhouse? But Milhouse is my name. But I thought I was the only one. A pain I know all too well. So this is what it feels like when doves cry.

We're gonna start a new life under the sea.

Mmm! Now, what do you have to wash that awful taste out of my mouth? Mountain Dew or crab juice. Oh, geez! I'll take a crab juice.

Better known as Billy the Kid. Looks like the only guns left... are in my cold, dead hands. Now, I'd like you to meet the Hole in the Ground Gang... Frank and Jesse James-

Oh, no! She's not gonna make it. Hmm. Looks like it's time for plan "B." One, two, three, "B"!

(HAWAII FIVE-0 RINGTONE) Hello, Homer. Marge, you bring Bart home now! Once you go Vatican, you can't go back again! It wasn't a fair fight! Your church suckered him in with gory stories! Just like we were suckered into getting Cinemax! Face it, Marge. Catholics rule.

English - US - Line 21

I think my leg is broken. Slip and fall? Cant go back to work? I'm Larry H. Lawyer, Jr., and I will fight for you. I also habia espanoi So that's your answer. I'll sue the church. Homer, we cant sue the church. They'll poke fun at us in the church bulletin. It wouldnt be the first time.

Mr. Tom jones. Hello, Marge.

He's the Chosen One. You are the Chosen One... whom the sacred parchment prophesied would lead us to glory. Now to the top of Mount Springfield for the coronation. Remove the Stone of Shame.

Maude? Rod? Todd? I'm right here, Daddy. Oh, Neddy, it was terrifying. I thought I was headed for the eternal bliss of paradise. Oh, my gosh! Look at Rod! I have a headache!

Yes. Is it my imagination, or is TV getting worse? Ah, it's about the same. Uh-oh! Look out, Smithers! I love this show.

Mmm. That one. Someone's in here. No! No! No! Oh! - Oh, for the love of-- - Boy.

Can I borrow your pen to sign this deposition? Okely-dokely. Why do I always give in to him? ts his skull. ts hypnotic. Now hearing Homer Simpson versus The First Church of Springfield. Morning, Judge. How is your lovely wife? She was run over by a clergyman.

Yeah, I'm telling you Flanders can't coach at all. Now I'm not the type to have a grudge for no reason. Sir, if I could just break in for a moment. Yes, Roy. Do you have a question for Sandy Koufax? Yes. Mr. Koufax, don't you think Flanders is a big jerk? Hello? Hello?

Well, Seymour, it seems we put together... a baseball team, and I was wondering-- Who's on first? Yes. Not the pronoun, but rather a player... with the unlikely name of Who is on first.

but in Bart's case, I'm prepared to make a big exception. And if you're willing to play along, he can spend the next three months... studying far, far away. Sounds great. Although, a kid can't learn much in just three months. Homer, you didn't even ask where Bart would be going. Actually, he'd be staying in France,

Anyhow, i must've looked at somebody the wrong way, because the next thing i knew, i was running for my life.

Whoa, a badger! Sorry, man. You can't crash here. Come on, let's go. Well, boy, looks like you got yourself a roommate. Come on, Lise. There's gotta be a way to lure that badger out. Well, according to WhatBadgersEat.com,

Help! What do I do? Play dead! No, run around in circles! No, act like a lion! Swipe at the dominant male! Come on, Ned! Knock that monkey down!

Well, there's only one name left. Whoever it is will be paired with me. And that person is... Waylon Smithers. Perfect. That's just perfect!

f Man f w' Sex bomb, sex bomb w' w' You 're m y sex bomb w' w' And, baby, you can turn me on my f Laughing f

Come on, Dad. Let's go. Hey, knock it off! These pants cost $600. Really? Yeah. They're Italian. All right, hand 'em over. Moe, what the-- Yeah, I rob now. There's a new judge in town...

And remember, Midge, you feel the need to rage, you call me, right? I won't even get sexual or nothin'-- unless that's what you want. But that's not what you want, right?

He's gaining on us! I'm scared! Come on, Ned! Move this thing! I can't! It's a Geo!

Now hold on here. I'm president ofthe Italian-American Anti-Defamation League. And this really burns my cannoli!

Not smart. Cool! Hey, When do we get the check for this? They said They changed it just enough so they don't have to pay us. Oh, You know who the real crooks are-- those sleazy Hollywood producers.

Well, well, what have we here? Inspector, you've caught the villain! But what are you doing in an opium den? It's the only way I can get Ralphie to go to sleep. I can make opi-ohs!

Hey, let's all hug Apu. Aww. Ooh! Hey, there's still time. Let's hug him again. Aww. Mm!

but now I'm just going to be sick.

SELMA: Wha... (SIZZLING) (PANTING) I still feel hot!

Oh, hello and welcome to Rancho Relaxo.

On the island We'll sex you up Island of sirens Oh, God! They're hideous! Woof! Ruff! Someone gouge my eyes! Save me from the ladies!

Hey, hey, hey ! Settle down, boys and girls, or Krusty will have to bring out his old friend Corporal Punishment again.

Poor me. All my purse is full of is disposable income. Sorry, Marge. I don't think I'll ever understand your point of view. Not even with all my free time. Then I guess this means war with the most powerful weapon at my disposal,

Hey, you guys! You want to see how cool Lisa Simpson really is? Check this out. Miss Perfect Attendance, Grammar Rodeo head buckaroo, the French table. Ooh-la-la! "Teacher's pet"?

Uh-oh. School bus. Here you go, kids. Special lunches. Lots of good things for growing bodies... and some treats just for fun. AY, caramba ! Are you going bowling again tonight, Mom ? Well, yes, I am, as a matter of fact. Here's more treats. Your dad will take care of dinner.

(GRUNTS) Oh, my God, that man might be hurt! Guards, there's a prisoner in there! Nice nab, Simpson. You did the right thing squealing on that guy.

I'm leaving this place, and you'd better step aside. Lady, people are free to go whenever they wish.

The Simpsons (TIRES SCREECHING) D'oh! (SCREAMING) (BRAKES SCREECHING)

You are all hereby found guilty of the crime of witchcraft. I sentence you hags to be burned at the stake... until you are deemed fit to reenter society. Fire it up, boys. Ha-ha! See you in hell, Seymour! Good-bye, Mother.

The fingers you have used to dial are too fat. To obtain a special dialing wand, please mash the keypad with your palm now. I'm gonna have to shut it down myself! Fat, don't fail me now! D'oh!

Mine tasted like strawberry. Mmm. "Ovulicious."

Happy birthday ! Huh ? What ? Here's your birthday breakfast. Oh ! Isn't this nice ?

They sing without juicers. They sing without blenders. They sing without flunjers, capdabblers and smendlers! Ooh! Tell Simpson I'm ready to deal. All right, Homer, you can have the dental plan... on one condition--

Oh, isn't that cute. A baby driving a car. And look. There's a dog driving a bus. Hey!

...do it! ...do it! ...kill everyone!

Please, Bart, no more pranks. It would mean so much to me if we could have just one nice family photo. Hey! I don't remember saying that.

Oh, my God. Someone's trying to kill me! Eh! Oh, wait. It's for Bart. Hmm, this one's done in different handwriting. Oh, uh, I wrote that one... after Bart somehow put this tattoo on my butt.

Hey, Marge, uh, you care for a tropical drink? Sure. Is that Windex? It's Windelle. I can't afford Windex.

That's because I've loaded it with sugar. Marge, our ship has come in. I found 500 pounds of sugar-- in the forest-- that I'm gonna sell directly to the consumer. And all for a low, low price of one dollar per pound. But the grocery store sells sugar for 35 cents a pound. And it doesn't have nails and broken glass in it.

The snow's melted. We can go outside again. I don't like the looks of those teenagers. Could this record-breaking heat wave be the result of the dreaded greenhouse effect?

You mean Maggie? Ah. The baby who shot me. No. I was referring to your other daughter.

You're in big trouble, Burns. Simpson's job requires college training in nuclear physics. You get your man up to speed, or we'll be forced to take legal action. Is that so? Well, I have the feeling you'll be... dropping the charges. The painters moved your desk, sir. Oh, yes.

an old man passed away

The bedpan's under my pillow. Who's... Bobo, sir? Bobo? I, uh, meant Lobo. Uh, Sheriff Lobo. They never should have canceled that show. I see. On another topic, the preparations for your birthday have begun. I won't get what I really want. No one doeS.

They even brought their lawyers to Thanksgiving dinner. So, uh, how's everybody doing? You don't have to answer that. Shut up, all of you, or I'll sue. Oh, save it for your next book, you little snitch. That's assault! That is assault!

Then me and my friend were about to press it, but the man said not to press it. But we pressed it anyway! And we ran and we hid in the Giant Tire. Oh, yeah. And my other friend was already there. All right. All right now. You're overstimulated. Let's get some beer in you, and then it's right to bed. Whoo-hoo! Beer, beer, beer! Bed, bed, bed!

Oh, don't look so shocked.

Looks like we got us some intruders. Who's in there? If somebody's in here, you're in for some serious ass forkin'!

Always use fresh macaroni. if the box rattles, throw it away. Aww! Your cable TV is experiencing difficulties. Please do not panic. Resist the temptation to read or talk to loved ones. Do not attempt sexual relations, as years of TV radiation...

I might possibly have considered thinking about becoming interested in.

(TAPE SLOWS DOWN AND STOPS) That was totally worth it. Stupid Burns! Cuts off my power, lowers my credit rating. Lisa, I think I can help you. You're not mad about Principal Skinrash? Are you kidding? I love it! I once had a principal like that!

I hope they still make that shampoo I like. Now, make yourself at home. Perhaps a glass of Bordeaux?

The only way to get Bart back is to kill the head vampire, Mr. Burns.

Peanuts ! Peanuts !

Kids, everything's gonna be okay! Don't panic! Just don't panic! Mom! Mom, you're stepping on my heels and knocking my shoes off! We can always get more shoes. Move, move, move! Stamp your hand for reentry.

and married... to the sweetest guy in the world! Ahhh. Eskimo kiss! Eew. You guys are sick. You don't think there's anything wrong with what we're doing, do you?

I'm sorry. We're just a little tired, sir. We've been pushing ourselves real hard to get the reactor online. Tired, eh? What you guys need is hammocks. Uh, hi, Homer. What can I do for you? Sir, I need to know where I can get some business hammocks.

Litter is my most treacherous foe. I would like to eat its children. So long, suckers! Ooh! My mouth. My beautiful mouth. Excellent bout. Now we go party.

And we're out. Why, you little-- Help! Secret Service!

Looks like your plane's pretty full, eh? Don't want to overload it. Pah! Typical Canadian wimpiness. That's why you have snowballs, and we have the H-bomb! We really appreciate your help, Johnny.

What about that tattoo on your chest? Doesn't it say "Die, Bart, Die"? No, that's German for-- "The Bart, The." No one who speaks German can be an evil man. Parole granted.

Well, I'm just glad you're okay. And I have something to tell you. Stop it! Come on. Let's hear that snap.

D.N.A. Hi. I'm Troy McClure. You may remember me from such medical films as Alice Doesn't Live Anymore... and Mommy, What's Wrong with that Man's Face?

People, that was all wrong! Homer Simpson doesn't say "B'oh." He says-- "D'oh." Sorry, M.B., but I'm having trouble with this character. Is he supposed to have some kind of neurological impairment, like Rain Man or Awakenings?

You promised. You can't back out like when you volunteered... for that army experiment to avoid dinner at my sisters'. Mr. Simpson, you do realize this may result in... hair loss, giddiness and the loss of equilibrium? Yeah, yeah, yeah. just give me the serum. It was worth it.

Happy birthday !

Marge, I, uh-- love you. No, that's not good. Marge, honey, I love you. Oh. Um-- Marge, I love ya, baby.

Quit complaining, chrome dome.

And that, my children, is the story of Bart's first day of school.

If they don't let me in here, I'm gonna have to quit drinking. Yea! Shut up, liver! Ow! My liver hurts.

In the garden of Eden honey Don't you know that I love you - In the garden of Eden - baby Don't you know that I'll always be true

Dickety? Highly dubious. What are you cackling at, fatty? Too much pie. That's your problem. Now, I'd like to digress from my prepared remarks... to discuss how I invented the "terlet." Terlet. Ha!

Yo, let's waste that beeyotch! Beeyotch? Moi? Ahh! Son of a--

I'd like to play me latest chart topper. It's called "Me Fans Are Stupid Pigs." Bart, you've got to go on. Slag off.

That was pretty bad, Bart

Well, it's no wonder I can't draw dignity. I gave it up when I married her. Now, Kirk, it's only a game. Sometimes we-- Oh, cram it, Churchie! Maybe we should all have a few drinks. I'd have a drink, but it might loosen my tongue. You want to talk? Go ahead, Luann, talk.

just like what's-his-name and whosits... and, you know, that guy, always wore a shirt-- Ed Sullivan? Yeah. I didn't know you knew Luke Perry! Know him? He's my worthless half brother. - He's a big TV star. - Yeah, on Fox.

Young man... youve ingested a dangerous amount of alcohol. The only dangerous amount is none. Let's go to the IHOP. I'm driving. - Come on! - Hey! Hey! - Okay, Burger King! Whatever! Get his leg!

Uh, I bring you love. It's bringing love! Don't let it get away! Break its legs!

Nope. Cubic Diamondium?

Now go to sleep !

Hi-diddly-ho pedal-to-the-metal-o-philes.

Well, well, well. Looks like a couple of punks are gonna be taking "The Last Train to Clarksville." That's the Monkees, Chief. Go wait in the car. Fine. It was the Monkees.

I'm sorry, little girl. We don't just put people on TV. Unless, of course, they're replying to an editorial. Uh, I am! I'm strongly opposed to... Proposition, uh, 305! You're against discount bus fares for war widows? Uh, you bet I am.

Now class, I don't want this Field trip to be a repeat of our infamous visit... to the Springfield State Prison. So, I want you all to be on your best behavior, especially you, Bart Simpson. Mrs. Krabappel, I didn't unlock that door.

Kids, could you lighten up a little ?

I want it. I want it. I want it! - Look! It's Lisa Lionheart! - Keep running. We're almost there.

Hey, let's all hug Apu. Aww. Ooh! Hey, there's still time. Let's hug him again. Aww. Mm!

I was at my workstation when suddenly-- Attention, American workers. Your plant has been taken over by an all-star team of freelance terrorists. Not on my shift! Yip!

See? And my son Bart.

Prank be undone! Destroy the evil one! Not me. Help me, Bart! Yeow! My enchanted shin! How did you know that was the source of my power?

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Rudy, my man, you're a miracle worker. Your laundry, sir. There you go. Buy yourself something nice. Thank you. Bart, are you ready to go to-- I'll room service you! Before you kill me... remember, this trip is all expenses paid.

Oh, dear. Mr. and Mrs. Simpson, we have transcended incorrigible. I don't think suspension or expulsion will do the trick. I think it behooves us all to consider... deportation. Deportation ? You mean kick Bart out of the country ? Hear him out, Marge. Well, perhaps I was being a tad glib. Let me explain.

Dust off your hula skirts, angels. There's been a murder in Hawaii. Hawaii, it is, Charlie.

Quack, quack, quack.

(LAUGHING) Yes. I'm a geek.

(SCOFFS) I can't stand it. Thank you. Thank you. I want to see you all next week at my concert in Krakow! (ALL LAUGHING)

Oh, yes, you are. i'm afraid it's our home now. This house will become the new local welcome center for this district.

Marge, do we have any elbow macaroni and glue-on sparkles? Oh, boy! Quittin' time!

Is there anything they won't do?

Can you open my milk, Mommy? I'm not Mommy, Ralph. I'm Miss Hoover.

In science-- dead last. I'm telling you people. The Earth revolves around the Sun! Burn him! What a story! You've stolen my soul! In culture-- dead last.

I will come with you.

And now we 're back.. to Touch the Stove. So, Kevin, I hear you collect amusing postcards. Yeah. It all started when- Touch the stove. I cant take any more of these shows.

Well, let's look at the contract ourselves, eh? Benefits, perks, a green cookie on St. Patrick's Day?

So you want a realistic, down-to-earth show... that's completely off-the-wall and swarming with magic robots? That's right. Yeah, good. And also you should win things by watching. Huh. You kids don't know what you want. That's why you're still kids-- 'cause you're stupid!

I don't get it, Lise. You said everything would be back to normal. But Homer and Flanders are still friends. Yeah. Maybe this means the end of our wacky adventures.

Lisa, no! Your hands are too weak! Ow! Ow! Ooh! I'll mace you good!

Well, you've come to the right place. Buddhism teaches that suffering is caused by desire. Richard Gere?

We'll give you a new name, a new job, new identities. Whoo! I wanna be john Elway. Elway takes the snap and runs it in for a touchdown! Thanks to Elway's patented last-second magic, the final score of Super Bowl xxx-- Denver, 7. San Francisco, 56.

you are hereby banished from the Stonecutters forever. And as a final humiliation, you must walk home naked, dragging behind you the Stone of Shame.

Uh-oh, it's the "fe-mailman." Female carrier, Bart.

Kids, would you step outside for a second? F-- Dear Lord! That's the loudest profanity I've ever heard.

Uh, my wife always makes too much stuffing and sweet "potaters" and all.

Look at me! I'm acting young! Hey. This ain't so bad.

Oh, it's Mr. Burns. Kill it! Kill it!

Oh! It's you, isn't it? When I get you, I'm gonna use your head for a bucket and paint my house with your brains.

Huh? Oh, no. The train! D'oh! I gotta find another way to wreck Moe's car.

You don't have to yell, Michael. I'm all around you. Oh, no, they're headed for land. - We'll never catch 'em now. - Incorrect. Look, a canal. Go, Knightboat, go! Oh, every week there's a canal. - Or an inlet. - Or a fjord.

But first, part seven of our eye-opening look at the bikini. Whoa-- T and A!

Uh-oh. Oh, for cryin' out loud!

For once maybe someone will call me "sir" without adding, "You're making a scene."

Big deal! When I was a pup, we got spanked by presidents till the cows came home. Grover Cleveland spanked me on two nonconsecutive occasions! Grampa, I know in your day spanking was common, but Homer and I just don't believe in that kind of punishment. And that's why your no-good kids are running wild!

So, Simpson, which one is it ? Well, if the crime is making me laugh, they're all guilty ! No, no ! Which one is the robber ? Oh, definitely number... Simpson. Simpson ! four.

And that talkin' coyote was really just a talkin' dog. Hi, Homer. Find your soul mate. Hey. Wait a minute! There's no such thing as a talkin' dog. Damn straight.

Ow, my eyeball!

Mmm, doughnuts.

Oh, man. I cant wear this. I look like Buster Brown, whoever that is. Oh, you look adorable, Lisa. Your school chums are going to be so jealous of your little outfit.

Ned Flanders is on the phone. Hello, Ned. Reverend! Emergency! I-- You see, the Simpson kids-- Eedelee-- I-- B-Baptism-- Oodelee--

And when you couldn't find one? We went fishing. Do these sound like the actions of a man... who had "all he could eat"? No! That could've been me!

I wouldn't tackle the big one right away. Oh, yeah? What do you know about it? Hmm? It's you! You're him! You're Tony Randall!

Bart, would you care to listen to me play the lute? Uh... sure. Come home, my Bonny warrior For now the nets are full O' fish... Is that tape working?

Our wide variety of gum comes in both stick and ball. I'm not really about gum. But I like the whole chewing thing. Are you averse to crispy centers, sir? Not at all.

All right, everybody stick together.

Backed up by solar power. (GROANS) Three, four, pick up the floor Five, six, don't play tricks Seven, eight, clean your plate Nine, ten, start over again! Look, Maggie. Funny Daddy! (GROANING)

Yello. Hi, Homie. I feel much better. Listen, Marge... uh... how would you feel if I told you the dog ran away?

I think he thinks... I'm an idiot ! The only reason he's offering us this... is because he knows he's gonna lose the trial and have to pay us a cool million ! - Doh. I feel faint. - Five hundred thousand dollars ! I spit on his $500,000 !

(SEDUCTIVE MUSIC PLAYING) (LAUGHING) Oh, yeah.

And now, it's time for Match Game 2034, with Billy Crystal, Hey! Farrah Fawcett-Majors- O'Neal-Varney, the "I didn't do it" boy, ventriloquist loni Anderson, Ooh! Spike Lee,

Well, I think it's good for a show to go off the air before it becomes stale and repetitive. Maggie shot Mr. Burns again!

That's the kind of thing you should start learning at baptism. Um-- actually, you see-- we were never baptized. Oh! Neddie? Neddie!

It's The Sou-ou-oul Mass Transit System. Give it to me. El yoyÓ es grande. ¡Ay, chihuahua! As you can see, Simpson, I have taken over all 78 channels, and you won't see any of your favorite shows again until you give in!

even the one that got cut off by the copy machine. Well, I guess I was just on a roll. Don't be so modest, Lisa. You earned that A-plus-plus-plus. Actually there are four pluses. No. That's Drambuie. Mmm! Oh, so plump and juicy.

MR. BURNS: Oops! That stays in. Sir, you're alive! But how? Because of my svelte physique, I was able to fit in a narrow air pocket. I survived on whatever sustenance came my way.

This is Kent Brockman, live at Springfield's most beloved tourist attraction, the man-shaped mountain crag known as Geezer Rock. Carved by centuries of wind and rain,

Eh, it's part of my public service... for my glug-glug, Vroom-Vroom, thump-thump. Oh. Well, I could use a good laugh. Well, there's nothing funny about what you're about to go through. I know. I'm in the zipper club myself. - Ahh! - You seem okay.

Got any spare change, man? Yes! And you ain't gettin' it! Everybody wants somethin' for nothin'. I'm old! Gimme, gimme, gimme!

There's another thing I want to talk about. Tut, tut, gentle Marge. Here in the boudoir the gourmand metamorphosizes into... the voluptuary! What in God's name are you talking about? Oh.

"The Bart, The." No one who speaks German can be an evil man.

8:58. First time I've ever been early for work-- except for all those daylight savings days. Lousy farmers.

The Flaming Homer? You mean the Flaming Moe and your dad didn't invent it, you wuss. Moe the bartender did.

I make you lasagna. You eat it up like-a the cat in the funny papers... who's-a not so funny.

There's no place left to run, Bart. Hand it over. Oh, Bart. I can't believe you did this. I wanted to surprise you for Christmas. Oh, sweetie, this is the best present a mother could get.

Could the delegates agree on recommendations that all Americans could support ?" We hold these truths to be self-evident... We hold these truths to be self-evident... that all men are created equal. all men are created equal. And from that equal creation they derive rights inherent and inalienable--

Go ahead-a, Bart. Take-a the Bonestorm. The store, she's so rich she'll-a never notice. Duh, it's the company's fault for making you want it so much. Don't do it, son. How's that game gonna help your putting? just take it! Take it, take it, take it, take it, take it! Take it!

There's no "I" in "team."

I wish I was a hero. Well, wishing won't make it so. You gotta pull up your diaper, get out there... and be the best damn Barney you can be. Here I come, world!

You're the worst shill I've ever seen. You're a disgrace to the medicine show business.

Here's your candy. So long, sucker! Uh, sir. Your life savings. Uh, yes. I see that it's in bill form. Excellent.

It's breathtaking. Look. There's the Imperial Gardens. The Meiji Shrine. The Hello Kitty factory. Who's up for some exploring?

Now I-- I finally have time to do what I've always wanted-- write the great American novel. Mine is about a futuristic amusement park... where dinosaurs are brought to life through advanced cloning techniques. I call it Billy and the Clone-osaurus.

All right. One kiss. But I don't want you...

I have to go to the bathroom. Why did I have all that beer and coffee and watermelon? Now, Homer, I know what you're thinking, and I want to take the pressure off. It doesn't take a whiz to see that you're looking out for number one. Well, listen to me, and you'll make a big splash very soon. Oh! Which way to the bathroom?

(GASPS) Flanders? (GURGLING) He doesn't even know what's going on! Wait'll I tell everyone about this. I'll feel important without drinking. That'll be weird. HOMER: What a combination. Hot chicks and stupid Flanders.

Americo-Australianian relations are at an all-time low. As I'm sure you remember, in the late 1980's... the u.s. experienced a short-lived infatuation with Australian culture. For some bizarre reason, the Aussies thought this would be a permanent thing. Of course, it wasn't.

To those who doubt the Magic Eight Ball's power I say, behold my "F."

Welcome, kindergarteners. I'm Principal Sinner-- Skinner.

It's him! I bring you peace.

Oh, hi. I'm Troy McClure. You might remember me from such self-help videos as... Smoke Yourself Thin and Get Confident, Stupid.

Safe. Safe. Razor blade. Syringe. Oh! White chocolate! Check it out, Lisa. I'm Radioactive Man. I don't think the real Radioactive Man... wears a plastic smock with a picture of himself on it. He would on Halloween.

For there will be no fire truck for little Bart, no sweater for little Lisa, no Cajun sausage for little Homer. So while you're home today... eating your sweet, sweet holiday turkey, I hope you'll all choke just a little bit.

Sir, if you just quiet down, I'd be happy to treat you to a garbage bag full of popcorn. Oh! This may surprise you, but you can't buy me off with food. I'm sick of all your stereotypes and cheap jokes. The overweight individuals in this country... are just as smart and talented and hardworking as everybody else. And they're gonna make their voices heard.

I'm singin' in the rain Just singin' in the rain What a glorious feelin' It burns like a Glasgow bikini wax! We'd better stay inside.

Look at me! I'm acting young!

Ahh! Ahh! Ahh! I can see the music.

Ned Flanders actually eliminated detention... and put the whole school on the honor system? Yeah. The teachers are afraid to leave the faculty lounge. Oh, that place must be falling apart.

Wow, Dad. You really know your monorails. Homer, there's a family of possums in here. I call the big one Bitey.

(MUTTERING GIBBERISH) FEMALE VOICE: I have a serious brain disease. Please give me a cat.

And now a message from the Church of Latter-day Saints. Dad, are you listening to me? Shh! Lisa! The dog is barking.

Wait a minute, you little cheater. You're not going anywhere until you tell me what a "kwyjibo" is. "Kwyjibo." Uh-- A big, dumb, balding, North American ape with no chin. And a short temper. I'll show you a big, dumb, balding ape ! Uh-oh. Kwyjibo on the loose.

Poo. Uh, Homer. What wacky name do you want? - Are "poo" and "Ass" taken? - Yeah. Damn! Could my life get any worse? Simpson! Even for a bowler, you're fat. Hey, guys. Is it normal to see Burns's face on a bowling ball? Ah, actually, I'd say you're having a severe psychotic episode.

Aye. I also 'ate the mess he left on me rug. Ya heard me!

I'd better give her a call. Homer. Marge. All right, folks. Show's over. No more to see, folks. Come on. Only sick people want to see my folks kiss.

Your point being?

No, no, no, no, no. Young man, you need to do some serious boning. Oh, grow up, Lise.

Bob, one of my fillings fell out. Even murder has its ugly side. Bob, would you mind rubbing my feet?

Right this way.

Uh, I'm happy to answer any questions you have about the alien. Any questions at all. Dr. Hibbert? Yes. Is the alien carbon-based or silicon-based? Uh, the second one. "Zilliphone." Next question. Is the alien Santa Claus? Uh, yes.

What's the matter, boy? Goose Gladwell ripped me off. And there's nothing I can do about it. I'm just a stupid kid! (SOBBING) Son, when you grew up, I grew down. Now I can see you need your dad more than ever. And Homer, I can see you need me more than ever. Get back in the garage, old man.

Here's a float saluting the Native Americans, who taught us how to celebrate Thanksgiving. Interesting sidenote on this float: The papier-mâché is composed entirely of broken treaties. They're good sports.

Be careful when we capture him. We cannot claim the reward unless we have 51% of the carcass.

There's a $10,000 bill in it for you. Oh, yeah? Which president's on it? Uh, all of them. They're having a party. jimmy Carter's passed out on the couch.

You leave Mr. Burns out of this!

I mean, we could sit here and try to figure out... who forgot to pick up who till the cows come home. But let's just say we're both wrong, and that'll be that.

Yeah, I know I'm on. But I don't care. I don't read the news until I get my Danish. Go ahead. Try to find a replacement. Aah! A powerful tidal wave in Kuala Lumpur has killed 120 people. ¡Ay, chihuahua! Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Get him! Well, Seymour, because of your penny-pinching, we're coming back from a field trip with the fewest children yet. God bless the man who invented permission slips. Mmm.

Usurper! Usurper! Usurper! Don't mess with me! I've got jimmies! I can only see a horrible rainbow!

Excuse me. You're doing this station all backwards. Let me show you how to do it like a man. Rainier Wolfcastle! Oh, I love your movies... and your Powersauce bars and your taught, rippling-- Hey, hey, hey. That's enough. Now step over to the Abdominator, and I will shout slogans at you.

(LAUGHING) Why you little... (CHOKING) Joke's on me, is it? Ah! (WHIRRING) (GAGGING) (HOMER GROANING) (CHOKING) MARGE: What's all that racket?

If you ever travel back in time, don't step on anything... because even the tiniest change... can alter the future in ways you can't imagine. Fine. As long as I stand perfectly still and don't touch anything, I won't destroy the future.

I win! This is it, baby. First thing tomorrow, we're getting a PlayStation One. Ohhh!

Morning, Judge.

Must destroy mankind.

Copy off another kid? Pay attention and take notes? Well, take note of this.

Eh, oh, there's some candy right here, sir. - Why don't we eat this instead of stealing? - Oh, very well. Mmm. Mmm. And look. There's a photo in here. Mm, yes. I believe that's little Maggie Simpson, the baby who found my precious teddy bear, Bobo.

Laziness is counterrevolutionary. Questions are decadent! Fast hands mean less whipping. Ow!

Deeper, wider, faster. I wouldn't bury my turtle in that mud puddle. What's the use? Sheesh! What a slave driver.

Fritz, you idiot! I didn't order a baloney sandwich! I ordered an abalone sandwich! I don't know what Mom's thinking.

What the hell happened?

Cool, Martin ! All right, Martin ! Martin ! Martin ! Martin ! Bart. It's past your bedtime. Okay. This is hopeless.

Fear not, my syndicated sweetie. You'll be preserved in this Mylar pouch, forever remaining in... near-mint condition between Doctor Who and, of course, Yasmine Bleeth. i don't think so.

"The Moe Szyslak Connection," produced by David Byrne. Moe, Moe, Moe How do you like me How do you like me Moe, Moe, Moe Why don't you like me Nobody likes me Eh, we can spend another week at the ranch.

Look at that comic book fellow calmly eating candy like a Spaniard. Time for monkey to shine. I'd like to buy a mint condition Spider-Man number one, please. And I'd like an hour on the holodeck with Seven of Nine.

That figures. Come on, you stupid dog.

Now I can't stand in line anymore. Bart Simpson, creative genius? What's it to ya? I'm from the Internet. We'd like to turn Angry Dad into an animated series. Wow! Angry Dad-- an Internet cartoon. I'll be in cyberspace next to the Nabisco Cookie Web site!

Ah, somebody's a Grumpy Gus. What-- Oh! Oh. Yoink. Ah, for cryin' out loud.

Gee, your station has a lot of problems. Tell me about it. just look at our morning guy. Hello. This is Moleman in the Morning. Good Moleman to you. Today, part four of our series... of the agonizing pain in which I live every day.

Must... save... buffoon.

We're just paintin' this wagon. You got a problem with that? As a matter of fact, I do. You missed a spot. Well, grab a brush and join in.

Get back here, boy. You're a disgrace to this family, and its proud naval tradition. Well, I'm keeping this earring, and you can't stop me!

Those are all good points, but the problem is they don't result in me getting the game. I know how you feel, Bart. When I was your age, I wanted an electric football game more than anything in the world. And my parents bought it for me, and it was the happiest day of my life. Well, good night.

I move for a bad court thingy. You mean a mistrial? Yeah. That's why you're the judge, and I'm the law-talkin' guy. The lawyer. Right.

Oh, not in Utica. No. It's an Albany expression. I see. You know, these hamburgers are quite similar to the ones they have at Krusty Burger. Oh, no. Patented Skinner burgers. Old family recipe. For steamed hams.

bald as a cue ball, ten years on the same job... for the same salary. But today, as I leave for Capital City, I consider myself... the luckiest mascot... on the face of the earth.

(GRUNTING) KEVIN: Hey! Yes, Homer? Transubstantiation. Very good. He cheated. He's got it written on his arm. (HOMER LAUGHING) Welcome to the jungle, Kevin!

It's happening. My horoscope was right! So long, Johnny Tremain. Your Newberry Award won't save you now! Not Huck Finn! I spent hours crossing out the sass-back! We're gonna crash! Do you have air bags?

Yes, ma'am. I'd like to return to your wonderful Sunday school, please. Uh, but, Bart, we banned you from Sunday school. You were happy. We were happy. Everybody was happy, particularly the hamster. I've changed my ways.

Marge? Hey! Smithers, I don't want that unpredictable lunatic working in my casino. Fine. We'll transfer him to the nuclear plant, sir. Oh, my beloved plant. How I miss her. Bah! To hell with this! Get my razor! Draw a bath!

Oh, boy. Let's get out of here before Dad does a bad impression of Mom. HOMER: (MOCKING) Ooh! I'm Marge Simpson. Don't eat off the floor. Ooh!

Hey, Barney, what'll it be? I'd like a beer, Moe. I'd like a single plum floating in perfume, served in a man's hat.

I can't believe we're going to the People's Choice Awards! And tomorrow the Daytime Emmys. Oh, it's Burt Reynolds and Michael Jeter! Could an Evening Shade reunion be in the works? There's Shannen Doherty.

Aren't you glad we got out of the house... and came downtown for a little culture? They're butchering the classics. Could that bassoon have come in any more late? Oh, come on, Homer. There's lasers. You like lasers. Laser effects, mirrored balls---

Fortunately, we've had a couple of recent freak-outs, so that freed up a couple of bunks. Freak-outs? If, uh, that happens, are we still charged for the entire semester? Our high standards challenge students to reach their full potential. Look at how disciplined they are. They're just like the terra-cOtta warriors of Xi'an.

ts finally happened, Bart. You’ve lost your mind. J Hava nagila J J Hava nagila J J Hava nagila J J Venis 'mecha J

Oh, yeah, okay. Oh, and then after the fight, we can watch the still photos... on the 11:00 news. Not too shabby. What do ya say, Homer ? Eh, we could do that. Uh, yeah. Or we could go over to my house and watch the whole thing live on cable TV ! Wow ! You're kiddin' me ! That's great !

Use your imagination. Mmm! Aah! Ew! Get outta my car.

But I miss him. He was my best friend. Aw, there, there, boy. I'll help you get him back.

Didn't graduate? How low can you get? Barney, where's your cummerbund? It fell in the toilet.

The truth is out there! Who'd have thought a whale could be so heavy? Geez, it's the feds!

I don't want it. What?! It was a passing fancy. Although, if you threw in a few lawn chairs maybe that tool bench, it might rekindle my interest.

I dont remember this at all. No more Baby Stink Breath! Thanks to the Baby So Fresh tri-patch system. These soothing chemical patches aiteryour baby's DNA... while leaving the R NA. untouched. A w] f Chuckiing] Not safe for babies under two.

You mean like when you hid inside the conga drum to scare Ricky? Hey! Stay away from the drums! That's my bit. I got it. Here's what you do. Wait until they fall asleep. Then you sneak into their rooms and make sure they're fast asleep because--

Give it away give it away give it away now give it away give it away give it away now I can't tell if I'm A kingpin or A pauper Dancin' around in their underwear. That is so degrading. 30 seconds till your Little Stinker sketch. Get me a bigger lolly.

Just saying it makes my butt feel warm again. (GASPS) Arrowheads! (GASPS) Pictographs! Bart, this is a Native American burial mound. (LAUGHS) Look! He's picking his nose. (CHUCKLING) Hey, we shouldn't tell anyone we were here.

110, 120... You lucky son of a... Want to go bowling Sunday? Are you nuts? That's the Super Bowl. How about the Sunday after that?

Uh, I'm gonna give this to you. - Good move. - Give me 10 rings. Lookee, lookee. Hey, hey. Wocka, wocka. i got rings and you want 'em. Win a genuine Ronex watch just like a real movie star. Hey, there's a sucker.

Ey-y-y. Sit on it.

Sir, it is not safe to use electronic devices yet. You're the waitress. Turn it back on! Turn it back on! Ooh. I never knew jim Belushi made so many movies.

Get your T-shirts here! "I survived the Springfield riot!" Remember me as a hero.

No, say "Present." "Anita Bath." All right. Settle down. Anita Bath here? All right. Fine. Fine. Uh, "Maya Buttreeks." Hey, what are you laughin' at? What?

Hey, Willie, catch the football! All right, I'll-- Ahh.

Okay, okay. Hold on. Hold on. I smell marijuana smoke. That better be medicinal! If Phish don't see a prescription slip, we are outta here. We can wait all night, people. Here we go. Whoa! This guy is seriously ill.

O Canada Order. Order. Do you kids want to be like the real U.N., or do you just want to squabble and waste time?

Holy cow, you're as big as a house! Homer, come home with me. No, Marge, I can't. I mean, look at me. I'm a trainee. They won't even tell me what's in the secret sauce. And I can't buy you a decent wedding ring.

Well, I won't be lonely for long. Hee, hee!

Don't you think those youngsters deserve a regulation tetherball? Ow! Ohh! We can buy real periodic tables... instead of these promotional ones from Oscar Mayer. Who can tell me the atomic weight of "balonium?" Ooh. "Dee-licious"? Correct. I would also accept "snack-tacular."

Hmm? Well, well. Finishing something? - Homer, did you eat that doughnut? - No. Your wide behind won't save you this time. Hey, Bart.

Lousy chub night. Hey, how come he gets meat and we don't? You wouldn't want what he's eating. It's mostly snouts and entrails. Mmm... snouts.

Dear Lord, may your loving hand guide Homer to the mattress, square and true. Okay.

I have been zinged and I love it. The last angry clown, the man who spews truth from every orifice,

You adults are always givin' us orders!

Now, I'll tell you-- that doesn't make a lick of sense! I know. just get on the bus.

Five, four, three, two--

(SCREAMS) Be careful!

Waah ! Ah, just resting my eyes.

We have places your family can hide in peace and security. Cape Fear, Terror Lake, New Horrorfield, Screamville. Ooh, Ice Creamville. No, Screamville. Tell you what, sir.

- f Bats Voice] Wake up, Dad. - [Homer's Voice f Huh? What?

Mom, I don't feel so good. What is it, honey? My tummy really hurts.

What do you call it? It's called a Flaming... ...Moe! It's called a Flaming Moe. That's right, a Flaming Moe. My name is Moe, and I invented it.

All right, you eggheads ! I want a place in this car to put my drink ! Sir, the car has a beverage holder. Hello ! Hello, Einstein ! I said a place to put my drink. You know those Super Slakers they sell in the Quik-E-Mart ? The cup is this big ! Extremely large beverage holder. I'm not done yet.

Hi, everybody! Hi, Dr. Nick. Dr. Nick, this malpractice committee has received a few complaints against you.

Mountain Dew or crab juice. Oh, geez! I'll take a crab juice.

For I am the Pie Man!

It's the Simpson family smile-time variety hour

Milhouse to Bart. Milhouse to Bart. Please don't hate me. Please?

and witness the magnificent medicinal miracle... of Simpson and Son's Patented Revitalizing Tonic! Put some ardor in your larder, with our energizing, moisturizing, tantalizing, romanticizing, surprising, "her-prizing"... revitalizing tonic!

Out of the hole! Gentlemen, this canary died of natural causes. Back in the hole!

Dad. Dad? - You really wanna get rid of this trampoline? - Uh-huh. Observe. A bike lock. Now just turn around and count to three.

May I have this dance ? Sure. Whoa !

It's the candy of a thousand uses. Like what? One, a humorous substitute for your own lips. Mm-hmm. Keep going.

You didn't feel for him either, you big fat phony. Bart, look up here. This is where the tears would be if I could cry. But I can't. Botched face-lift. You could learn a lot from him, Maryann. It's Lisa. Maryann's better. They want cheap sentiment? I'll pump 'em so full of sap,

Will you hug me? Hug me!

I hope you're happy, kid. The studio's bankrupt.

Duff beer For me duff beer For you i'll have A duff you have one too Bart! Lisa!

And thanks to my prudent editing, tonight's special Halloween show... has been rated TV "G." This means there will be no raunchy NBC-style sex... or senseless CBS-style violence.

That was a right pretty speech, sir. But I ask you, what is a contract? Webster's defines it as "an agreement under the law which is unbreakable." "Which is unbreakable"! Excuse me. I must use the restroom.

and this cute little cuddle-bug is pancreatic cancer. Here's what happens when they all try to get through the door at once. Move it, chowderhead! We call it Three Stooges syndrome. So what you're saying is I'm indestructible.

Touchdown! It is done. The Washington Redskins win Super Bowl 26!

Oh, no. Krusty!

We gotta kick one person out. Someone who’s alone, already bitter. Someone whose feelings have been trampled on so many times, one more wont make any- Oh, Moe. Yeah, that's me, all right.

A gun. And it's been recently fired. Wait. I remember leaving the town meeting. I must have run into Mr. Burns outside and-- Hey! Mr. Burns. What have I done?

Huh? How many times can you laugh at that cat getting hit by the moon?

Pi is exactly three! Very sorry that it had to come to that, but... now that I have your attention, we have some exciting new research from young Lisa Simpson. Let's bring her out and pay attention. - She's just a little girl. - In the larval stage. - Silly. Let's not listen.

And... make yourselves at home. Hear that, Dad ? You can lie around in your underwear and scratch yourself.

Your laugh is incorrect, Meganaut!

But he's your boss. Do you have to mail it right this minute ? Yup. You're still angry, Homer. Why don't you sleep on it ? Forget it, Marge. Hmph. Please, Homey. For me ? Oh, all right. You always do that hand thing.

my son, Barney! I used to be a fat, disgusting slob. That medicine seems to be givin' your son a lot of gas. I assure you his belching is the result of an unrelated alcohol problem.

"Can I Borrow a Feeling?" "Can I Borrow a Feeling?" It's your picture on the front. - Go ahead, Homer. Laugh at me. - I already did.

Yes, welcome. What a lovely home. Oh, you are too kind, Marge. I am sure you have noticed the many small imperfections that fill me with shame.

The Simpsons (TIRES SCREECHING) D'oh! (SCREAMS) (BRAKES SCREECHING) (ALL SCREAMING)

It seems our profits have dropped 37%. I'm afraid we have a bad image, sir. Market research shows people see you as something of an ogre. I ought to club them and eat their bones! Well, maybe this film festival could help us. A film biography might let them get to know the real you-- virtuous, heroic, nubile-- You left out pleasant!

You changed your grade with a computer? D'oh!

Well, it used to be.

Wait. I'll just take that escalator.

Uh, there's Chiquita. That's Del Monte. There's a Banan Co. Gorilla's Choice. Hmm. Now, uh, everyone follow me to my chair, where I just need to get off of my feet for a few minutes. Oh, I won't be getting up soon.

Simpson! Huh? Yeah, I was listening. Very funny. Oh, ya were not. You were just eatin' a damn orange. Oh, yes, yes. To the untrained eye, I'm eating an orange, but to the eye that has brains, I'm making a point about marriage. For you see, marriage is a lot like an orange.

No. No, there's no need for that. It's already named after me. It's coming pretty close to the ground. Maybe I can catch it.

As long as he's got eight fingers and eight toes, he's fine by me. Oh, Bart! Daddy's little angel. Ah! Why, you little..! He did that on purpose! How could he? He's only ten minutes old.

Oh, it's so cozy.

But between those kids and going to Uncle Tyrone's, we can't be alone. We're alone now. BART: You're never alone in this crap shack! Why, you little... (BART CHOKING)

All beer trucks heading toward Springfield have been diverted. This town will be as dry as a bone. And if the rest of you beer-swilling tube jockeys out there... have a problem with this, talk to Homer Simpson.

just tell me you're sorry ! Why should I ?

What are you gonna spend your money on, kids? There's a special on tacos down at the Taco Mat-- hundred tacos for $100-- I'm gonna get that.

And who's selling the uranium to the terrorists? Mmm. Mm-hmm. Montgomery Burns. Now we wait. Let go of me! I'm innocent! Whoa, he's in trouble.

You adults are always givin' us orders! You kids are always disobeying them.

Homer, that's just to bite on, not to eat. Sorry. Give me one that doesn't taste so good. That was rubber covered in Vaseline! Marge, write that down so we can have it at home.

Otto, what are you doing? I don't know. I just got an urge to join the navy. You're being brainwashed! Yeah, probably. "Yvan eht nioj."

Men. Boo! Canceled. The safe baby craze.

J; Now, a guitar has many, many nicknames: an ax, a gitbox- I guess that's it. Anyway, we're gonna start with the fundamentals: playing a burning guitar with your teeth.

He really needs a girlfriend. Oh, Marge, what if I wind up as some vegetable... watching TV on the couch? My important work will never be completed. Society's loss, I suppose.

"We the purple"? What the hell was that? Are you a professional writer? Mm-mmm. Are you interested in politics or government? I don't know. Are you interested in anything? I don't know. - Could you touch your nose for me? Hmm. - Mm. Hmm.

You'll have it in 45 seconds, sir. To pass the time, please enjoy this novelty pen. Why would I want to look at a pen with a-- Oh, no! Her clothes are coming off! Hey, you know who would love this? Men.

How much is this free resort weekend? It's free. And when is this weekend? It's this weekend. Uh-huh. And how much does it cost? - Um, it's free. - I see. And when is it? It's this weekend. And what are you charging for this free weekend?

You're right. Gimme another. Homer, go easy on the "alkihol."

Ooh! I'm burning up here! Taking advantage of my alcohol-soaked clothes. Oh, it's funny, and it makes you think. Oh, I need some coffee before I black out. Homer, pass me the sugar. This is gonna be great.

Hey! Then I could follow my dream-- living in the woods and keeping a journal of my thoughts. March 15th. I wish I brought a TV. Oh, God, how I miss TV.

uh, where do you want the Fudge Mahal?

Aren't there any evil movies on? Maybe something about an evil island? There's something really different about you, Dad. - I am a new tie wearing. - Oh, yeah.

Hmm, I better go check that out. Now, Homer, don't you eat this pie. Okay. All right, pie, I'm just gonna do this.

I'll miss you, Krusty-- I and all the other Sideshows-- except Sideshow Bob.

Now we don't want to kill him.

Hey, everybody, vote for my dad-- Homer Simpson. If you don't, he'll beat us. Why, you little-- No one's gonna beat you, Son. You're gonna get such a beating.

Oh, Otto. Of course my answer is-- Oooh, wait, wait, wait, wait. This solo is kick-ass! Honey, could you turn it down? Okay. But this better be worth it. Yes, I will marry you. Cool.

One betting disk, please. "One betting disk, please."

(GRUNTING) Now, to do something I've never done before. Help out an old man. "Postcard image, thing to see..."

- Rod, go get Daddy his buryin' shovel. - Yea! You sure buried him deep, Daddy. Not so deep the Lord can't find him... and judge him. This is the best birthday I ever had.

sponsored by Buzz Cola with lemon. Damn, that's a lemony cola.

And I spent so much time building that trophy case.

Our last bachelor likes women who take their clothes off for money. Let's hear it for Moe! Why do we have to stand here? This is so humiliatin'.

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING) Hey, boy. What do you say we build a robot? Face it. You're not the most mechanical guy in the world.

Good grief. This candy's terrible! Circus peanuts, raisins, nicotine gum, a library card? You got all the good stuff. And yet I'm still not satisfied.

Don't worry, boy. We're gonna set you straight. By tomorrow morning, you'll be a regular Burt Reynolds. What are you talking about, Homer? Where are we going? just a couple of good old-fashioned manly places, father and son. You're leaving the arm there too long. You want to make it worse?

Yeah, way to play the boss's head like a bongo, Homer. He's getting a pretty good sound out of that guy. And-- That's for employing me for eight years! Ha-ha!

Then why did you put yours in the window? Arr, it covered up the "D" from the health inspector. Well, I say we ban Homer from our restaurants. No. That would be impolite. I say we kill him! Now, hold on a minute. Are we restauranteurs, or are we murderers?

Hey, guys. This butt's for you. Oh, no!

Release the girl, Simpson! I think I can take him out, Chief.

I drove an all-terrain vehicle in Da Nang. I think I can handle it. Where's Otto? That's one palindrome you won't be hearing for a while. Off we go. Hail to the bus driver, bus driver, bus driver

Hey, Bush! Get out here! Excuse me, sir. Where are you going? I'm going to punch George Bush in the face. Okay. Is he expecting you?

Oh, Mr. Price. I loved you in The Abominable Doc-- If you are calling about the missing feet, leave your address, and the replacement feet will be rushed to you by my grandson, jody. And now I must return to the sweet embrace of the crypt. But I'll be back.

Hey, you're ruinin' it for the rest of us! Stop! That's my car! Hey, that smells like regular. She needs premium, dude! Premium, dude!

Gee, I'm sorry, man. Huh? About the frisbee. Frisbee?

Are you nuts? Relax. It's a controlled burn. Uh-oh.

Hey, if you want wild bears eating your children... and scaring away your salmon, that's your business. But I'm not gonna take it! Who's with me? I am! I am! We're here! We're queer! We don't want any more bears! We're here! We're queer! We don't want any more bears!

Good morning and welcome to Nuclear Physics 101. I see a lot of new faces, but you know the old saying-- "Out with the old, in with the nucleus." Now we'll begin by-- Oops.

I knew this weekend was just an excuse to get in my mouth. Keep your money. I'm going home. Stop looking at me. Keep dancing.

I was trying to punish him exactly like you would. So, in a way, you really dropped the ball on this one. This is your mess, and I'll be damned if I'm gonna clean it up.

Help me! Are you helping me? Or are you going on and on? Oh, right. And, of course, within we find the doomed individual. Enough of your borax, Poindexter! A man's life is at stake! We need action! Take that, you lousy dimension!

She'll be back. She forgot her husband.

Well, that's great, Dad. Except you were supposed to drive us to the newspaper. D'oh!

Okay, okay. Don't panic. Maybe they'll tire themselves out with their chant. (SHRIEKS) I call the balls of his feet! (ALL SHOUTING ANGRILY) Marge, they're gonna kill me!

Mr. Burns was the closest thing I ever had to a... friend. But he fired me. Now I spend my days drinking cheap scotch and watching Comedy Central. Oh, dear God!

Zeppelin rules!

P lay us some" _ pian-ee " J; That's piano! I said "pian-eel" J; You, play the "cell-ee"l

Get off! Get off!

Homer, let him deliver the baby! Homey, isn't he beautiful? As long as he's got eight fingers and eight toes, he's fine by me. Oh, Bart! Daddy's little angel. Ah! Why, you little..!

Hey, that got her goin' ! Bitchin' ! Bart ! You don't even care ! You don't even care !

Where were you planning to keep this horse? I've got it figured out. By day, it will roam free around the neighborhood and at night, it will nestle snugly between the cars in our garage. Dad, no!

Hostess Twinkies? I heard if you age them for 10 years, they turn to liquor. Kids, go ride bikes for a while, huh? Yeah, you heard your mother.

Turn it up! Turn it up!

Your time is up. This is for Snowball I and JFK! Ow!

What if something goes wrong? What if? What if I'm taking a shower and I slip on a bar of soap? Oh, my God, I'd be killed! It frightens me that you want to work on something that's so unsafe. We monorail conductors are a crazy breed, half in love with death, gobbling up danger like ordinary men eat peanuts.

They'd been given rifles, but no ammunition. Dad, look! Television! Teacher! Mother! Secret lover.

Well, well, what have we here? Inspector, you've caught the villain! But what are you doing in an opium den? It's the only way I can get Ralphie to go to sleep. I can make opi-ohs! Well, Dr. Bartley, another mystery well solved.

I'm all about ideas. Kids, come and get it!

Ah, my lucky red hat. Clean as a whistle. You did this to me! I... apologize. No one will notice if you wear a pink shirt to work.

Yes ! Whoa ! Hmm. Provocative, but, uh, powerful. He's bad, but he'll die, so I like it. Hmm. Marge, a word, please.

Baby. Baby. Pirate? No, no, wait a minute! - Pirates are wild! - We are pregnant!

Spending time with the boy ! The boy needs attention. I've been talking to Lisa, and I'm concerned about your relationship with her. Me too. I think they're drifting apart. Shut up, boy. Homer, please ! Marge, you don't understand. I can't do it because-- You're trapped. If you were smarter, you might think of something, but you're not, so you might as well--

we're in a tough spot, and I don't know if we're gonna get out. Please remain calm and think of your loved ones. Oh, Mr. Snookums. Oh, I "wuv" you so-- What are you lookin' at?

But what can I do? I'm just-- one-- one man. I think we should call a town meeting.

Okay, gentlemen, I want you to raise your hand when you hear the tone. You can't tell me what to do. Nothing yet.

And why are the kids here? Because we couldn't find Grampa to sit for them. And why is Grampa here? 'Cause jasper didn't wanna come by himself. Fair enough. Hello, beautiful! In your dreams. We'll see about that.

Okay, Son. Just remember to have fun out there today.

Former US astronaut, Homer Simpson, was taken into custody. Oh, my butt looks so huge during perp walks. We've confiscated your car and its contents.

I got family here from around the globe. Here's josÉ Flanders. Buenos ding-dong-diddly-dÍas, seÑor. - And this is Lord Thistlewick Flanders. - Charmed. Eh, a-googilly-doogilly.

Ah, Del Monte. Enjoy them, old man. They will be your last.

We've gotta get to the hospital, Homer! Okay. If the doctor asks why you cut it off, you caught me in bed with four beautiful women. Let's just say that Bart did it. Oh, doodlebugs. My Ferrari! I had to do awful things to pay for her.

At the picnic, he thought my son Reynaldo was my son Rolando. Can you believe that?

Oh, well, it's very tempting. Really, a wonderful idea. Marge ! Whoa ! What are you doing ?

Dad, it's in there again! No! It's stuck on my hand!

Oh, you did the right thing, sweetheart. Well, that's the first case I've ever seen... of a man suffering four simultaneous heart attacks. I'm sorry, Dad. It's all right. I understand.

What ? Hey ! What the-- Marge ! Oh, Homer, don't be jealous. I was a schoolgirl. The Beatles were very popular, and I had a crush on them. Likely story. Oh, why did I have to start my diet... on pork chop night ?

For knocking Mr. Burns out of a third-story window. Makes sense to me. Did he die? What am I, a doctor?

What a wingding ! This is much better... than my girlfriend's birthday party ! Homer ? Bart, get out and push. Yeah, Bart. Get out and push. No way, jose. Okay, we've seen a lion. Can we go now ?

God! Look at you losers. I can read your minds. “Ooh. Ooh. I'm afraid of success." "ts pizza's fault I'm fat." "Oh, I'll stop sucking... later." Come here. Give me your hand. ts okay. Whoa! Thank you, teacher!

Please. You have something of mine on a piece of paper. Oh. So you're Bart Simpson. Since my breakfast burrito is congealing rapidly, I will be blunt. You are too late. I sold your soul last night. Yes, yes. I found a buyer right away for that item.

I could send it back to Taiwan for repair, but why should I have to? I've done nothing wrong. And I don't give permission for my face to be on TV. I want it blurred.

It's all over, Marge! It's all over! I don't know how this happened.

Earthquake! Nurse!

Case dismissed. Bart, I'm impressed with what you did in there. You testified for the Quimby boy, even though it was putting your own head in a noose. On the other hand, you skipped school. I guess the two things cancel each other out, huh.

Marge, am I crazy or is my back getting hairier? Before I go to camp, I'll need boosters for malaria,

But he was a great man. And I won't rest... until all of Springfield knows the name of Bleeding Gums Murphy!

I feel like chicken tonight Like chicken tonight Like chicken tonight

Oh, my beloved plant. How I miss her. Bah! To hell with this! Get my razor! Draw a bath! - And get these Kleenex boxes off my feet! - Certainly, sir. And, uh, the jars of urine? Oh, we'll hang on to those.

Class of '71, I believe. Good evening, Principal Skinner. Pearson, get this woman a glass of water immediately. - And tuck in your shirt. - Yes, sir. Nearly 30, and still working as a busboy. Standardized testing never lies.

You don't believe in rules, yet you want to control Ned's anger. Yeah. You've gotta help us, Doc. We've tried nothing, and we're all out of ideas. Hmm. There is an experimental therapy... that might help Ned contain his anger.

Oh, I see. If you testify, Skinner will know you skipped school. Well, if Freddy Quimby didn't do it, I'm sure he'll be found innocent by a fair and impartial jury. Oh, jury duty! I'll see that Quimby kid hang for this! I knew it was a bad idea to watch him open the mail.

Come on, kids. Let's try the lights. It's "craptacular."

All right, stick it to the man.

Marge, this is a way to flush this killer out once and for all... and get drunk on a Tuesday. Today’s Tuesday, and youve had six beers. But I'm not drunk.

Oh, my God! What's happening now? We work hard. We play hard. Everybody dance nOw oh! Everybody dance now

(SIREN BLARING)

Hello? Anybody home? Twelve glasses of water. That will wake me up nice and early. And I'll have a big head start on opening presents.

"Don't do what Donny Don't does." They could've made this clearer. Oh! They won't let you have any fun.

Look, Smithers. A creature of pure malevolence. He's the perfect one to suckle at my proverbial teat. You there, boy! What day is this? Today, sir? Why, it's Christmas Day. - I was talking to him. You, what day is this? - Huh? I'll tell you what day it is.

Testing. Testing! Testing!

Nevermore, nevermore, nevermore, nevermore, nevermore-- Dag-- Doggone it ! Doh ! Doh ! And the Raven, never flitting, still is sitting, still is sitting...

Oh, Ned, I am so sorry. I never knew you were such a Beatles fan. Of course I am! They were bigger than Jesus.

Thank you! And remember, don't trust anyone over 30!

What's the point of having a Honda if you can't show it off?

So, remember-- Call Mr. Plow that's my name that name again is Mr. Plow

Geraldo Rivera, Madonna, and a diseased yak. Mom, what's wrong? It's your father-- he's missing. Dad's missing? Get out of here. He's been gone for two days. What do you know? She's right.

Well, I don't like this movie. And I'm gonna boycott your financier, Mr. Burns. Oh, really? And what would you use instead of nuclear power? Solar. Hydroelectric. A mix of conservation and wind. Who told you about those? A talking tree in a commercial. Ah.

There's only enough room on the truck for this one. We'll get the other one later. Hey! This piece of junk is finally doing something. Oh, man, this is heavy! You should lift with your legs. Yeah, aw, screw it. I got health insurance. Oh!

jump, boy! I got you! I'm coming! Now you, boy.

Homer, this is your physician, Doctor julius Hibbert. Can you tell us what it's like in there? Um, it's like, uh-- Did anyone see the movie Tron? No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. Yes. Er, um, I mean, no. No.

He needs boundaries and structure.

Hammocks! Get your hammocks!

I know you don't remember me, but here's a little revenge... Irish-style! Go! Wake up, you lousy drunk!

That's cucumbers with cottage cheese!

Come on, Homer. Do it for your old pal, Moesy.

by order of the prophet we Ban that boogie sound degenerate the faithful with that crazy casbah sound but the Bedouin, they brought out the electric camel drum

Good afternoon and welcome to the Do What You Feel Festival. By the way, this young lady is not my wife, but I am sleeping with her. I'm telling you this because I'm comfortable with my womanizing. Yea! Arr! And now to usher in this new era of feeling good... here's the, uh, Godfather of Soul, james Brown.

If he marries your mother, Marge, we'll be brother and sister! And then our kids, they'll be horrible freaks... with pink skin, no overbites and five fingers on each hand!

Nelson, you're running for president? I'm not saying I have all the answers, but I do have all the answer keys to every test. (ALL CHEERING) Fractions, dinosaurs, foreign money, the first Thanksgiving. Nelson, what are you doing? Real estate license exam. My ticket to freedom!

Are you really allowed to execute people at a local jail? From this point on, no talking.

down mexico way

Okay. Now you are the worst.

You're goin' down, Homer. I'm gonna fool you. You talk better than you fool. I'll fool you up real nice.

(SOBBING) Thank you for this angel, Lord. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah yeah, yeah, yeah, no (ALL CHEER)

Oh, everybody says that when they hear themselves on tape.

Go to your room, Lisa! Open up, Curly! This is a raid! A raid? Curly? Um, all right, but, uh, I don't know what you expect to find...

Do a 180 emotional ollie. Finally someone explains it to me... in words I can understand. Look, boy. I know I did wrong, and I'm truly sorry. I put you in humiliating commercials for money... which I spent on myself.

Hey, this stupid machine took my money! Don't ever change. - Sparkle, sparkle. - Bart! - Pinhole leak! - Dad? The earring could plug the hole. I'll plug your hole!

Bart, run down to the store and get a big bag of ice for your father. Yes'm. Dad, I know you're discouraged, but, please, don't deny the world your fat can. Don't worry, boy. She'll be ready for your Aunt Selma's birthday. I knew it.

Now for my favorite part of the show.

Oh, man, I can't take it anymore. But I want to see what happens ! You know what happens. They find Captain Kook's treasure. All the elves dance around like idiots. I puke. The end. Bart, you're just like Chilly, the elf who cannot love. Now for some real TV.

Nothing good has ever come out of New York City. "Dear motorist, Your vehicle is illegally parked in the borough of Manhattan." My vehicle!

I don't even like macaroni salad, but look at me! Please help us. Our island has not been this damaged since the A-bomb tests.

Look, my stomach really hurts. All I can give you are these chewable Prozac for kids. Your choice-- Manic-depressive Mouse or the Bluebird of Unhappiness.

Hey, shut up! Mmm! Unprocessed fish sticks.

You honor us. Don't patronize me. Now, Simpson family, have you picked a wish? Well, I haven't talked it over with the family-- but I think we'd all like a free dinner at Americatown. No, no, no. We want plane tickets home to Springfield.

Do I detect a note of sarcasm? Are you kidding me? This baby is off the charts. Oh, a sarcasm detector. That's a real useful invention.

No, there's no justice like angry-mob justice. I'm gonna burn all the historic "memorabilias." I'm gonna take me home a toilet. Well, there'd better be two.

We'll be dashed to pieces! Oh, Lord, protect this rocket house and all who dwell within the rocket house.

PRISONERS: Kill the rat! Kill the rat! PRISONERS: Kill the rat! PRISONERS: Kill the rat! What happened to the guards? PRISONERS: Kill the rat! Okay, okay. Don't panic. Maybe they'll tire themselves out with their chant. (SHRIEKS)

Oh, sorry, I must have the wrong house. That's where you're wrong, friend. Today's our tithe day and we've got ourselves a transient.

Why is there smoke coming out of your oven, Seymour? Uh-- Oh. That isn't smoke. It's steam. Steam from the steamed clams we're having. Mmm. Steamed clams. Whew.

- Ralph, I thought you were dead. - Nope!

As chairman of the P.T.A., I am de-didilly-lighted to take over, and I think I can put the "pal" back in principal. Yeah, and I'll put the "super" back in superintendent. It's the same exact joke. What gives, Leo?

Stuff starts disappearing--

I'm sorry we had such a terrible fight.

I'm not a state! I'm a monster! No, Lisa. The only monster here is the gambling monster... that has enslaved your mother! I call him Gamblor! And it's time to snatch your mother from his neon claws!

Roger Corman's Titanic.

(ALL CONTINUE YELLING) To repeat what I said a moment ago, you are so dead! Dios mio, this kid is fun to hit!

Sorry, girl. I don't wanna get in any more trouble down here. I'll pick you up on the way home.

If you're Saved and you know it clap your hands if you're saved and you know it clap your handS Oh, great. Christians. Attention, passengers. Dinner is now being served in the dining car.

Extended warranty? How can I lose? Perfect.

See you in hell, candy boys!

Well, this is my floor. See you tomorrow!

J Her heart was as big as his stomach was large; J Oh, yeah, they say love goes on J J Long after the grilled cheese sandwich is gone JJ It would take a man of stone with a funny bone of steel to resist that.

Football in the Groin! Football in the Groin!

Look, Marge, honey, baby, doll, I-- Homer, I don't even want to look at you right now. What are you saying, honey ? But where will I sleep ? My suggestion... is for you to sleep in the filth you created. Would a motel be okay ?

Simpson-- Lisa. Grades are all I have! What could I be failing? I'm smart and a teacher's pet. Gym? That's the stupidest thing I ever heard!

Why do you think I took you to all those Police Academy movies? For fun? Well, I didn't hear anybody laughing! Did you? Except at that guy who made sound effects. Honk, honk!

Frankly, I can see an upside to it.

Let me try something. Take the wheel, Lisa. But my Dad-- I said you.

But that must mean the murderer is still at large! Ah, he could've killed this one days ago. The body is bloated and the face is rotten. (GRUNTS) It was five minutes ago, you twit! (GROANS) (SNIFFING)

At least let's have a civilized conversation, shall we? Lisa, how was school? How was what? What? - School! School! - It's not time for school. I know it's not time-- I'm going into the dining room to have a conversation.

"F," "L"-- Oh, no. I'm sorry. That's a "C," isn't it ? If that was an oncoming vehicle, you'd be dead now. Next ! But, uh-- But driving is my livelihood. Oh, take it like a man.

Why did you dig up the bones of the past? Why did you disturb the ghosts of history? I-- I-- General Washington? You did some good work exposing jebediah, Lisa. Don't stop now.

Nobody snuggles with Max Power. You strap yourself in and feel the G's! Oh, Lord! And it doesn't stop in the bedroom. Oh, no. I'm taking charge. Kids, there's three ways to do things-- the right way, the wrong way and the Max Power way. Isn't that the wrong way? Yeah, but faster!

It's whisper quiet! You got all that from one bag of oranges? That's right. Order now and you'll also get Sun 'n' Run, the suntan lotion that's also a laxative.

This cross-country flight from the law would be hell if we didn't stick together. Hey. Friends stick together. It's amazing how through all this adversity, we managed to stick together. If there's one thing decent folk do, it's stick together. I hate it when the waffles stick together. Sticking together is what good waffles do.

I wonder if other Super Bowl producers waited till 3:00 in the morning the night before to plan their half-time shows. (TIRES SCREECHING) A church. Maybe the homeless people sleeping on the floor will have some ideas. Flanders? Well, I guess you've got some late night problems, too.

Can't you understand, little girl? jebediah was no criminal. That's right. The reason they say he had a silver tongue... is because he was such a fine speaker. That's a myth that got mixed up with the truth. You are tampering with forces you can't understand. We have major corporations sponsoring this event.

Lisa, so you won't be scared, I'll show you some of the tools I'll be using. This is the scraper, this is the poker... and this happy little fellow is the gouger.

Hyah! Faster, you moron. Oh. Well, that was unexpected.

Can you open my milk, Mommy? I'm not Mommy, Ralph. I'm Miss Hoover.

All rise for the Honorable Judge Constance Harm.

Good God. I'm at war with a little girl. And I'm losing! Smithers, this calls for the League of Evil!

Ay, caramba! Bart, Lisa did a wonderful job on my hair.

Help us. We're diseased.

In the, uh, spirit of the occasion, I must tell you what I think. You two screwed up royal. You know, I really don't feel like being blamed. I feel that you should shut up. You know, you really irritate me, Skinner. What with your store-bought haircut and excellent posture.

One eraser? I'm used to my government betraying me. I was in 'Nam. I served for-- And speaking of lotteries here are the winning numbers for this week's $40,000 jackpot. 3-6-17-18-22 and 29. Oh, no! Those are my numbers.

Ah! Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah! You idiot! You nearly drank a beaker full of sulfuric acid. Acid, eh? Gee. That would have been stupid. Boy, would my face have been red.

You just stick that guitar in the closet next to your shortwave radio your karate outfit, and your unicycle and we'll go inside and watch TV. What's on? It doesn't matter.

Sorry, Rosarita. I got to get to my birthday party. Farewell, SeÑor Bart. Hey, good to see you. Glad you could make it. Toby, have you lost weight? Uh-oh, here comes trouble.

Bart! What in the name of high school football?

And you're like the father I never visit. Sir! I was running a diagnostic, and there was an obstruction in torpedo tube number one. I'll take care of it.

I knew all this stuff would come in handy someday.

And now our boss and friend Mr. Burns.

I just wanted 40 cents For my deliveries last week Will this bewitching floozy Seduce this humble newsie

My water broke! Oh, we must drive to the hospital. Cleanup in aisle three. Oh, finally. Gil's moving up to the big leagues, boy. Oh, my back.

How I wonder what you are Thank you. I can't believe I used to date him. Lise, you're a shoo-in. Hush little baby don't say a word

Speaking of heroes, here's mine. Tom Turkey !

Shoot. Thank you, Mr. Nutball.

Hey, why don't you be polite, you stinkin' pus bag! Pal, you gotta call that number on the boot. Sorry about that guy. They stick all the jerks in Tower One. That's it! I'm comin' over there! Why don't you come over here! - I got something for you! - Shut up, the both of youse!

What? That's an odd name! I'd have called them chazwazzers! Lisa! Marge!

Now hold on, Kang. You can't bully my audience with your fancy ray gun. And now for my final thought. Nobody wins when parents put their petty squabbles above the welfare of a child. Let's hope they put their differences aside and do what's best for Maggie.

Arr! Not a looker among 'em. Full speed ahead! Damn the torpedoes! What'd he say? Put on our tuxedos? I want some taquitos. Welcome to the kitchen of tomorrow-- today! How much would you pay for a self-flipping hamburger pan?

Holy flirking shnit. What's the message?

Which I spent on a novelty horn. Maybe we should talk to a financial planner.

Troy, this circle is you. My God, it's like you've known me all my life.

Yodeling Zeke, Butterball jackson, Freddie Boy and Yuma, Cloris Moselle, Big Shirtless Ron, Orville and Hurley, Gappy Mae, Hip Diddler, Rudy, the Ya Hoo Recovering Alcoholic jug Band, and tonight, in her syndicated TV debut-- Lurleen!

just what I was gonna say. Look at me! I'm acting young! Hey. This ain't so bad.

"R," "Q," "G." Question mark. Smiley face. Next. Wait a minute.

Hey, pfft. Screw this.

Come on, Romeo. They can't lock me up for long, Agnes. Will you wait for me? Are you crazy? My bones are half dust.

Excellent suggestion. I suggest we start with the Springfield Revolving Restaurant. You know, food tastes better when you're revolving. Yeah, right. Well, I must say, so far, the evening is a big disappointment. Indeed. Truly terrible. Hey, can we get some service over here ?

i Ve never seen Noodles this mad

To find Flanders, I just have to think like Flanders. I'm a big, four-eyed lame-o, and I wear the same stupid sweater every day, and-- The Springfield River!

You butchers! Give it back! Give me that-- Na-na-na-na-na-na! Don't you dance out that door, you-- I'll get my kidney back, old man! You have to sleep sometime. I know you're a little peeved at Grampa, Dad, but you've done a wonderful thing.

Homer, you moron. Homer, you genius!

that we are not alone in the universe. I'm Leonard Nimoy. Good night. Uh, Mr. Nimoy, we have 10 minutes left. Oh. Fine. Well, let me just get, uh, something out of my car.

It's broken, Mom. Mom, it's broken. Mom, it's broken Mom, it's broken Mom, it's broken Mom, it's broken I don't think that it's broken, honey. Here, let me try.

Don't worry. I'm wearing my lucky rabbit's head. Mr. Honey Bunny! You inhuman monster! You want a piece of me? Stop it! Stop it! Conserve your precious hatred for the game.

O Canada Order. Order. Do you kids want to be like the real U.N.,

(GROANS) You work on Christmas or you're out of a job! Is that clear, Cratchett? Sir, I'm over here. Woo-hoo. Sorry, pardon me, ma'am. I see you're expecting. May I listen to the baby's heartbeat? (SCREAMING)

Stroke, stroke, stroke. I'm rowing as fast as I can, sir. No-- I'm having one. Remember what I told you about running away from your troubles?

Are you ready to laugh? Oh, that poor dog. I said, "Are you ready to laugh?" Quiet, you awful man. You know, Mr. Burns is so cheap-- What? I ju-- I mean, you know, Mr. Burns is so old-- How dare you!

Aah ! - Uh-oh. Stop ! - Mmm ! Lunchtime ! Ha, ha, ha ! Lunchtime ! Aah ! Lunchtime, Bart. It's lunchtime.

Excellent. With McBain out of the way, nothing can stop us ! Any more new business ? Only your death. McBain ! Ah !

Hello. Can I help you? Agents Mulder and Scully, F.B.I. Is this about that pen that I took from the post office? I swear, I didn't know I put it in my purse! Then I was going to bring it back, but the dog chewed it up. And that just made things worse.

we can't live in the same house.

Great show, Son, but you forgot to push the merchandize. Huh? Huh? Papa, let me be the headliner. I always show up on time and I close the piano lid ever so softly. Oh, little Salieri,

You little-- Lisa, no! Your hands are too weak. Stop that.

You almost killed me! Please, sir. You'll catch-- cold.

Hey, stop that! You'll never silence me! I'm the last angry man, Patterson-- a crusader for the little guy! Leave the bird alone! Never! Look, Simpson. I've been elected... by the voters of this city 16 years in a row, so they must think I'm doing a damn good job. You want to know what I think? No.

Odysseus, do not forget to thank the gods for our victory... with an appropriate animal sacrifice. Forget it! Sacrificing animals is barbaric. Now have the slaves kill the wounded.

Have you ever noticed how the dumb kids fill in the wrong circles? Seymour! Seymour! Lost my place. Maybe-- Maybe-- Maybe-- Maybe a little, uh, improv would raise the roof here. Would someone name a profession. Loser principal!

"Ooh! Look at me. I'm making people happy. "I'm the magical man from Happy Land, in a gumdrop house on Lollipop Lane." Oh, by the way, I was being sarcastic. Well, duh.

who will receive a free appetizer at Fuzzy Zoeller's Green Jacket Steakhouse.

Barney will be Twelve Ball, and, Moe, you can be Cue Ball. You're an idiot. So, wedding, huh? No, we're forming a vigilante group. Come with me. See, it's a miniature version of the A-bomb. The government built it in the '50s to drop on beatniks.

Hey. Wait a minute! There's no such thing as a talkin' dog.

Bart, don't you realize what this means? The next time we fall asleep, we could die. Bah! Welcome to my world. On this edition of Asian Market Wrap-up. There's a volcano waiting to erupt in the Pacific Rim.

Now I need to find another little brother. And I need to find another big brother. My car's gonna feel so empty on the ride home. And me, I have no ride at all. I already bought a giant ham for dinner. It's gonna go to waste. Don't talk about food. I'm so hungry. Well, good-bye.

Let's walk and talk.

Don Homer, I have baked a special donut just for you. Mmm. Grazie. Don Homer, my son, he has a-trouble with the-- Eh-eh-eh-eh-eh.

There. Right as rain. Homer, it's that evil gypsy's curse. We're all being punished because you trashed her office. Marge, that "curse" is just a lot of silly superstition. Right, Lisa? See? Two means yes.

Most folk'll never lose a toe and then again, Some folk'll Like Cletus the Slack-jawed Yokel

Now a vertical line to indicate the one. Down with homework! Skinner, why are there children walking on my head? So, we meet again, Mad magazine.

you'd better think long and hard before trying something like this on Homer Simpson again !

to Dyan Cannon, Troy McClure and the Muppets... in the 1977 film, The Muppets Go Medieval. Oh, Princess fair, whilst thou grant me thine dainty hoof in marriage? Oh, Sir Liesalot, I will! Mmm. Unhand the swine, you swain.

Tonight on Eyewitness News, a man who's been in a coma for 23 years wakes up. Do Sonny and Cher still have that stupid show? No. She won an Oscar, and he's a congressman. Good night! But first, E.T., phone Homer... Simpson, that is.

Ew! Get outta my car. This isn't my house.

Mr. Sandman Bring me a dream Make him the cutest that I've ever seen Give him a lonely heart like Pagliacci Check it out, Fat Tony. Those jokers think they're the Cowsills.

Our entire shipment is ruined! Uh, uh, pretty, uh, freaky, huh? The only people who are going to be freaked out are our stockholders! I'm sensing some negative vibes here. But I promise tomorrow's freak-out will go a lot smoother. There won't be any more freak-outs.

Sometimes I think God is teasing me. just like he teased Moses in the desert.

We have some new pamphlets available in our church news rack, including Bible Bafflers, Satan's Boners, Good Grief !, More Satan's Boners...

Oh, I missed the feeding frenzy. I hope you're happy. Obviously, yes.

You all right, Grampa? Oh, daiSy, dais-- Oh, give me your anSwer do-- Will you quit your clowning? I need help here. Ohh! Tell her her rump's as big as the queen's... and twice as fragrant!

Turn, turn. Keep turning, keep turning, keep turning.

If things had turned ugly, I always had my mace. Don't let me off the hook that easily, sir.

Oh! I'm not gonna lie to you, Marge. So long!

We're going back to my temple of doom. Be gentle!

Now for Operation Strike-Make-Go-Longer. You know, I heard Skinner say the teachers will crack any minute. Skinner said the teachers will crack any minute purple monkey dishwasher. Well, we'll show him, especially for that purple monkey dishwasher remark.

Oh, my God, it's 260 pounds ! I'm a big, fat pig !

I'm coming up with my own cartoon character. He's called Danger Cat. Mine's called Trouble Dog. I'm called Ralph. Mine is Danger Dude. But he's a dog.

Look at those two inseparable chums, Smithers. That's exactly the teamwork we'd like to showcase at this year's energy convention. Are you sure, sir? Well, no one else seems to share the same spirit of camaraderie.

Bart, I'd like you to read this copy of johnny Tremain. It's a book I read as a girl. A book? I think you might like this. It's about a boy who goes to war. His hand is deformed in an accident. Deformed? Why didn't you say so? They should call this book "johnny Deformed."

Why, you little..! What the..? D'oh!

Three cheers for Marge Simpson! Hip, hip, hooray! Hip, hip, hooray! Hip, hip, hooray! Now, Marge, we have a special treat for you. Uh, it's beautiful.

When Buildings Collapse on nonstop Fox.

Bart! Bart! Bart! Bart! Bart! Bart! Bart! Bart. Bart. Bart, Bart, Bart, Bart. Bart. Bart. I can't think with all this noise. What am I supposed to do? Pick up Bart. Pick up Bart. "Pigabar"? What the hell is "pigabar"?

I want you to do for me what Spielberg did for Oskar Schindler. Schindler es bueno. SeÑor Burns es el diablo. Listen, Spielbergo, Schindler and I are like peas in a pod. We're both factory owners. We both made shells for the Nazis. But mine worked, damn it! Now, go out there and win me that festival!

You know how to catch a wild boar with a teaspoon?

We're two hours and 45 minutes through the pregame show. Our guest is Troy McClure whose new sitcom premiers tonight right after the game! Thanks, Bret. My new show's called Handle With Care. I play jack Handle, a retired cop who shares an apartment with a retired criminal. The original odd couple.

Burn, burn, burn! Burn, burn, burn! Effigy, eh? Yeah, nothing burns like an effigy. Hey! That's me!

Bart, your mother's only trying to help, so go ahead and enjoy the show.

now I know my abc's won't you come and play with me? Flawless. We also would've accepted "Tell me what you think of me." Well, I guess you're free to-- Give him the Breathalyzer! Huh? You're under arrest. D'oh!

Oh, no. There's that angry mob again. Hey, look who's here, everybody. Oh, hi! Oh, my, they've forgiven us. It's a miracle! You know, deep down, people are pretty gre--

Oh! It sounds so real. I didn't turn it on yet. Oh! I'm never eatin' chili again. Ooh, chili!

Happy Love Day, everyone! Come on, Mom. The stores just invented this holiday to make money. Lisa, don't you ruin another Love Day. For you, Homie. I'm Sir Loves-A-Lot, the bear who loves to love. They didn't have Lord Huggington? It's the same basic bear, Homie.

Well, I'm sure glad we didn't turn into mindless zombies. Shh! TV. Man fall down. Funny.

What you need is a good, long rest. I suggest Florida. Florida? But that's America's wang. They prefer The Sunshine State.

"Vent radioactive gas?" Y-E-S. "Sound alertness horn?" Y-E-S. "Decalcify calcium ducts?" Well, give me a "Y." Give me a-- Hey. All I have to type is "Y."

That video really opened my eyes. I can see that I'm just a passive-aggressive coculprit. By nagging you when you do foolish things, I just enable your life-script. And that sends me into a shame spiral. Exactly. So from now on, I'm going to quit nagging and have more fun.

Hey, where's that weather chick? Ooh! This is some wicked party, huh? Hey, have you seen Sully? Get away from here! Hey! I need that pencil! Ladies and gentlemen, what you are seeing... is a total disregard for the things St. Patrick's Day stands for. All this drinking, violence, destruction of property-- Are these the things we think of when we think of the Irish?

Hello. Smithers. You're. Quite. Good. At. Turning. Me. On. Um, you probably should ignore that.

Come, stranger. join our circle of infamy. Tell us your story of ennui.

A little higher, Wendell. A lot higher, Martin. Uh, Ralph, that's a basketball. Okay. Nelson's our quarterback. Thanks, four-eyes. Ralph, you'll be on special teams. I'm special.

This is where the kids were last seen. The plastic casing from the tip of Bats shoelace! A mother knows. Well, he's not gonna get very far without that. Bart, is that you? No!

I don't make trash. I burn it. Then I guess you're a garbageman. Well, I know you are, but what am I? A garbageman. Oh, I know you are, but what am I? A garbageman. I know you are, but what am I? A garbageman. Takes one to know one. Checkmate.

What do you need a baby-sitter for ? I'm almost ten and a half. Mom, you wouldn't dare. Don't take that tone with me, young lady, or I'll give you a taste of the back of me hand. No, you don't.

No, no, that's too much. You know what I think would help?

Here we-- I'll just-- Hey! Get away from my car! Uh-oh. This way. Uh-oh.

I'll need a golf cart motor with a 1,000-volt "capacimator," stat!

Five days? But I'm mad now! I'd kill you if I had my gun! Yeah, well, you don't. Lousy big shot. Thinks he's so big 'cause he's got a lot of guns. If he didn't have any guns, I'd show him a thing or two. What happens when he walks into my store?

I'm at the wrong school! En Français.

Dad, the traffes moving. Huh? Whoo-hoo! Pedal to the metal! My baby! Your baby!

Oh, wow! Hey, look! Is that Dad? Either that, or Batman's really let himself go.

First we'll test this experimental perfume on you. It burns! It burns! Hmm. We'll call it Desert Breeze.

Buddhism teaches that suffering is caused by desire. Richard Gere?

All righty. Well, here we are.

Remember when you were stalking Charles Kuralt because you thought he dug up your garden? Well, something did. I don't want you stalking anyone tonight. Oh, okay, have it your own way, Marge. I'll be back in a minute. I'm... going outside... to... stalk...

ow, ooh. ow, ooh. Ow, ooh.

Dad, have you seen the girls they have in those contests? Hubba, hubba! Hey, nobody's prettier than my little girl. You're looking at her through a father's eyes. Well, if I could gouge out somebody else's eyes...

Excuse me. Oh, my eyes are burning. Oh, little chipmunk friend, I'm allergic to everything.

Oh ! 437-- What ?

If this affects my major league comeback, I'll sell the bar. Woody, give me a beer. I think you've had enough, Mr. Peterson. My chiropractor says I can't carry you home anymore. just give me another beer, you brain-dead hick! I'll kill ya! I'll kill all of ya! Whoa! Settle down, Normie. You gotta save those pipes for karaoke.

I love this book, Marge. Very psychological. Dr. Marvin Monroe? I haven't seen you in years! Oh, I've been very sick.

I want that oil well. I've got a monopoly to maintain. I own the electric company and the waterworks, plus the hotel on Baltic Avenue. That hotel's a dump, and your monopoly's pathetic. The school's oil well is not for sale, particularly to a black-hearted scoundrel like yourself. I see. Then I'll just have to... attack you!

You gotta start selling this for more than a dollar a bag. We lost four more men on this expedition. If you can think of a better way to get ice, I'd like to hear it. Yeah. He's got us there. Beats me.

It's just some new guy moving in. Disco Stu likes disco music.

Enough chitchat. I need to see Lisa. I don't want to talk to you, Mr. Burns. Oh, I think you will. You see, I've just sold the Li'l Lisa Recycling Plant for $120 million. Congratulations. Oh, don't congratulate me. Congratulate Bay State Fish Sticks. As my adviser, you're entitled to 10% of the proceeds.

What a little angel. How old are you? Eight. Eight? Too old! Go home, Grandma! I am sorry, little girl. Lugash must go next door to anger management class. Worthless anger management class!

Hello, Springfield.

I gave him a couple of blintzes to paint my fence, but he never did it! Those blintzes were terrible. Paint my fence! Make me.

Oof ! Ow, ow ! Ah ! Oh ! Ah ! Oh ! Eee ! Ow ! Oh ! Doh ! Doh ! Oh ! Ah ! Ah ! Ooh ! Ow !

Back in line, maggot!

You don't understand anything! (GRUNTING) You're such a psycho! Mama's boy! Future skank! Family guy!

Ooh, the Germans are mad at me. I'm so scared. Ooh, the Germans! Stop it. Stop that. The Germans are coming after me. Stop the pretending you are scared game. They're so big... Stop it, Mr. Burns. Protect me from the Germans!

But what should I do? Should I meditate? Should I get rid of all my possessions? Are you kiddin'? If anything, you should get more possessions. You don't even have a computer. You know, I have been meaning to take a spiritual journey. And I was-- was-- Hey! Knock it off!

Lookee, lookee. Hey, hey. Wocka, wocka. i got rings and you want 'em. Win a genuine Ronex watch just like a real movie star.

are enjoying their Sunday brunch.

and I keep telling you Santa can't fit a pony into his sleigh. Can't you take a hint ? But I really want a pony, and I've been really, really good this year. Oh, dear. Maybe Bart is a little more realistic. A tattoo ? A what ? Yeah ! They're cool, and they last the rest of your life.

Here's your taco, mister. Oops. It fell in the fryer. I'll get it out. Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Sorry, Krusty. I like it here. Mr. Johannson treats me with dignity. Is this clown bothering you, Mel? That's all right, Mr. Johannson. I'll handle it. Here's your taco, sir. I don't want it.

Hello, Marge. Hello, Bart.

Well, that's a plus. Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo! I did it! Uh, Dad. Towel rack. Whoo-hoo-hoo! Hee-hee! Ho-ho! Oh, my.

Let's go over the ground rules. You can't leave first until you chug a beer. Any man scoring has to chug a beer. Chug a beer at the top of all odd-numbered innings. And the fourth inning is the beer inning.

Oh! What's the problem, Seymour? Stuck? That's precisely the problem, and you know it. - Now, get me out of here! - What's that? You want the pee bucket on your head? No! You're twisting my words! Come on! We're taking over the school!

(CHUCKLES) My little boy's in love. I think he's having a heart attack! (GROANS LOUDLY) (STAMMERING) Come on, son! You can fight this! Do the Bartman! Do the Bartman! (GRUNTING) Why don't you dance? Dance! (SOBBING)

Oh, well, of course everything looks bad if you remember it.

Bart, what are you doing? Hey, what the-- Hmm. All right.

Hey, kids. i made your favorite cookies. Christmas trees for the girls and bloody spearheads for Bart. Aw, thanks, Mom.

Come on, come on! Crack those atoms! You, turn out those pockets! Atoms. One, two, three, four-- Six of them!

D'oh! Hens love roosters geese love ganders everyone else loves Ned Flanders Not me! Everyone who counts loves Ned Flanders

Uh, let's see. I'll have one, uh--

Yes. I'd like to ask all the parents in Springfield who are concerned about this...

Hey, kids ! I spy Itchy and Scratchy off the port bow !

And now to present our final award for Teacher of the Year, Little Richard! I love teachers! In fact, I'm a teacher. I taught Paul McCartney to go "Whoo!" "Purple Rain!" Shut up! Michael Jackson just told me to shut up!

You want to know what i see, Kent'? isee a siownews day with nothing to flii itl Arnie, you 're supposed to be filming people coping with the ioss of their church. And howam i supposed to do that'? Do i have a magic iens that can see into people 's souls? Well, yours wouid be black, K enti Black as the ace of spades/

That's my boy. Mmm, beer. What? Look, Dad, I don't need school. I'll make my way as a bootblack. Shine your boots, guv'nor? No son of mine is gonna be a 19th-century cockney bootblack. We're gonna find you another school.

Look at all the wonderful things you have, Mr. Burns: King Arthur's Excalibur; the only existing nude photo of Mark Twain; and that rare first draft of the Constitution with the word "suckers" in it. Yes, yes, yes. So what? You want your bear, Bobo, don't you? Liar! I'll give you the thrashing of a lifetime!

Well, we could tape two shows on Friday. Are you nuts? I can barely get through one show on Friday! Even with the... (INHALING) You know, smelling flowers? Such expensive flowers, filled with remorse. Anyway, we gotta book a guest host! How about Jon Stewart?

Maggie, call Aquaman!

Wait a second! You planted a phony skeleton for me to find! This was all a big hoax! Not a hoax-- a publicity stunt. You exploited people's deepest beliefs just to hawk your cheesy wares? Well, we are outraged! - Aren't we? - Oh. Oh, yeah. Yeah, we're outraged.

Worst parents ever! Ha-ha!

Homer, that's a terrible thing to say. - Oh, shut up. - Yes, sir.

Oh, Papa Homer, you are so learned. "Learnd," son. It's pronounced "learnd." I love you, Papa Homer. I love you too, Pepsi. Pepi. Pepi.

That's kind of a downer.

Tappa-tappa-tappa.

Take my wallet and leave me alone!

I want all of youse to say hello to the Simpsons. Hello! Has the whole world gone insane? Stand still! There's a spark in your hair! Get it! Get it! Get it! Hot stuff comin' through. Dad, why did you bring me to a gay steel mill?

Oh, thanks, nice lady. My voice is crazy with this spraying already. Oy, I feel so much better, Mr. Medical Science-type Person.

I know you're gonna turn out great, with or without your old man. Thanks, Dad. And Lisa-- I guess this is the time to tell you-- you're adopted and I don't like you. Bart!

What the-- That's terrible!

That is just grotesque.

I printed out a list of technical errors... which I think you'd enjoy discussing. Somebody must have told them we live here. I'm looking at you, Horshack. Homer, how could you? Okay, okay, it was me. I'm sorry I blew your secret. But you don't know what it's like to be a nobody.

Thanks, Stampy. Ow! Ah, I'm alive! I'm alive! And I owe it all to this feisty feline.

Oh, Santa's got a little trick up his sleeve. Attention shoppers, Register 9 is now open for your shopping convenience. Sorry, these are for display only. This has been recalled. Ooh, Bart would like this. We're out of these. Out? But I just-- Register 9 is now closed.

(GASPING) See ya in hell, fat man!

I'm telling you Flanders' store was dee-serted. What do you think of your bestest buddy now? Dad, do you know what "schadenfreude" is? No, I do not know what "schadenfreude" is. Please tell me because I'm dying to know.

It's your heart. And I think it's on its last thump. Whew! I was afraid it was my transmission. Hey, where's he goin'? Billy, remember that old Plymouth we just couldn't fix? We're gonna sell him to Mr. Nikapopolus? You're a dull boy, Billy.

Well, this is a lovely gesture, but... we still have to face the fact that I'm not really Seymour Skinner. Oh, no, we don't. judge Snyder. By authority of the city of Springfield, I hereby confer upon you the name of Seymour Skinner... as well as his past, present, future and mother.

Man fall down. Funny.

Hmm. Probably better that didn't hit me. Yes? Hello. May I help you? Uh,

My Todd's awfully good. Oh, yeah ? Well, I think the fruit of my loins... can beat the fruit of your loins any day of the week. Come on, boy ! But, Dad, I've never won anything in my life. Son, this is the only time I'm ever gonna say this. It is not okay to lose.

Nice dress. Oh, go home and have sex with your wife. That's it. Bring it on. Why, you little-- Come on, you sainted--

Bills, bills. Oh, a rejection letter from The New Yorker subscription department. Hmm. Who or what is Santos L. Halper? Wow! My own credit card! Thanks, Santos! A quarter?

I never noticed this office before. Why should you? It's mine. Uh, you have any sugar around here? Sugar? Sure. Here you go. Sorry it's not in packages. - Want some cream? - Uh, no.

Budget-O's? That's right. It's much less expensive than the leading clown-based cereal. You just have to assemble it yourself.

i know you and your wife and every part of you Son, you wait here while Daddy tries to talk some sense into this raving derelict. Ah, what the hell do you want-- You still owe me $50--

Follow me. Any red-blooded, flag-feeding American would love... the M-320. Celebrate the independence of your nation by blowing up a small part of it. All right.

Set a course for Hidden Pirate Island, a.k.a. Hong Kong. Aye, aye, Captain. Help! Pirates! Navy SEALs are on the way.

Hey, now-now that Largo's gone, we-we can play the forbidden music. I heard that.

Look at him squirm.

Where'd you get all the money? The government. I didn't earn it. I don't need it. But if they miss one payment, I'll raise hell!

Homer, it's really coming down. Could you check on the boys ? They're fine.

I'll miss you Pumpkins, but I just can't share your bleak worldview. - I've got too much to live for. - We envy you, Homer.

You owe me... $22,000. I'll Kwanzaa you! Homer, don't be so hard on little-- What is his name?

Oh, my juice Loosener's never gonna come. - Hey, Dad, this came for you in the mail. - Whoo-hoo! Mother, get an extra-special hug ready.

This I gotta see!

That's it? Well, that's Marge. Big deal. Great spiritual quest, wolfie! My soul mate is Marge. Is it? Hmm?

It's your fault America has lost its way. I'm sorry. It's all your fault ! I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry, all right-- sorry I came back here !

Have a salmon puff. All right.

I never apologize, Lisa. I'm sorry, but that's just the way I am.

Remember, it's Bi-Mon-Sci-Fi-Con.

The burglar even took my stamp collection. You had a stamp collection? Stamp collection? Ha-ha!

It's not working.

Whoo! "Snappy answers to stupid questions." I'm great at these. Ask me if something smells funny in here, boy. Does something smell funny in here? I don't think so, stupid. Homie, you want pork chops? No, I want roast beef, you clod!

Who's gonna clean up all those jets? There goes the clothesline. Well, those ivory-tower eggheads have screwed us again. Let's just have some milk and go to bed. Hey. This milk's broken.

How can I prove we're live? Penis. Now here's the candidate. Krusty is an insensitive bore unfit for public office.

CHILD'S VOICE: La, la, la, la... (BOTH SCREAMING) Oh, sorry. I forgot I bought the soundtrack album.

Now you can laugh yourself to sleep. If you should die before you wake-- Can't sleep. Clown'll eat me.

You don't win friends with salad You don't win friends with salad You don't win friends with salad You don't win friends with salad You don't win friends with salad You don't win friends with salad - You don't win friends with salad Mom!

"Krusty's Personal Swabs"? What was I thinking? All these years, I should've been working on my act, but I was too busy selling out. Now I'm just a tired old hack.

Attention, Marge Simpson. Your son has been arrested. I'd be terribly embarrassed if I were that boy's mother. Attention, Marge Simpson. We've also arrested your older, balder, fatter son.

Harvard, here I come. Psst, Barney. My dad's asleep. Want a beer? I don't know. The S.A.T.'s are tomorrow. I've got two words for you. Mellow out, man. Hmm? Hmm? All right. just one-- if it'll get you off my back.

Thank goodness he's drawn attention away from my shirt. Milhouse! Milhouse, wake up.

do My sweet embraceable you Herman, a very special lady is having a birthday tomorrow. Ah, the Battleship New jersey.

Hey, we owe this guy. And I don't want you calling him a sissy. This guy's a fruit. And a-- No. Wait, wait, wait. Queer. Queer. Queer. That's what you like to be called, right? Well, that or John.

Wait, Homer. If that bar holds, we just might make it back to Earth.

Oh. What am I gonna call my Internet company? All the good names are taken. Oh, wait. I've got it. Flancrest Enterprises. D'oh! What exactly is it your company does again?

I can't eat this. I can't eat a poor little lamb. Lisa, get ahold of yourself. This is "lamb," not "a lamb." What's the difference between this lamb and the one that kissed me? This one spent two hours in the broiler. Bart, sensible bites! All right, Lisa. If you don't want lamb chops, there's lots of other things I can make.

your video tour guide to Rancho Relaxo. Our tour starts in own room where Relaxo-vision offers you the latest Hollywood hits and after midnight the finest "R" rated movies Europe has to offer. Ooh-la-la! Today's selections are:

We can't allow you to destroy these beautiful trees, which have the same rights you have.

Boo ! Boo ! Hey, what gives ?

Well, Simpson, seven gone. As soon as you're in your pressboard coffin, I'll be the sole survivor, and the treasure will be mine.

Who cares about some test ? Life's too short for tests. Hey, I thought we had a deal. Ha ha ha ! The Martin Prince you made a deal with no longer exists. Come on, fellows ! To the arcade ! Cool, Martin ! All right, Martin ! Martin ! Martin ! Martin !

Everybody wanted a piece of us. They told us what to wear, how to dress, which clothes we should put on. The cops found me driving on the sidewalk. I had no business hosting the Oscars. After the show, Meryl Streep spit on me.

Ow! My hairstyle. Not again. Good-bye, cruel world. Hello, ironic twist.

Seymour! The house is on fire!

They haven't changed a bit, have they?

We won! We won! All right! Homer! Homer! Homer!

Now, Mr. Rude, I just want you to know I'm a good sport. If you want to make fun of my legendary love of cashews-- you have at it. Uh-huh. All right. Uh, how many times a day do you go to the can? Oh, about 40, I suppose. When are we going on the air? We're on the air now, Skeletor. What?

Dad, that's the Old Spice song. It is? Well, that's a good song too. Run!

Fairly warned be thee, says I.

Please accept this kickback as a token of our esteem. Thank you, Fat Tony. However, in the future, I would prefer a nondescript briefcase to the sack with a dollar sign on it.

Oh! How much did you see? Uh, nothing incriminating. Good. Well, bye.

(CLICKING) (LAUGHING IN FRENCH ACCENT) (LAUGHING IN JAPANESE ACCENT) (LAUGHING IN BOTSWANAN ACCENT) (MIMICKING SEAL LAUGHTER) Stupid Internet. Whole world laughing at me.

Yes. Well, we saw a daredevil last night. And, well, you know, monkey see, monkey do. Hmm, I think I know something that might discourage him from this sort of behavior. Bart, in this ward are the children who have been hurt... by imitating stunts they saw on television, movies and the legitimate stage.

I don't want you to go. Sorry, but I have to. Good-bye. Good-bye.

Or like when- I got nothing. Let's just find that piece. Hey, remember that pet gerbil we used to have? He didnt run away after all.

Bye-bye, fishies! Higher! Higher! I'm soaring! Soaring majestically like a candy wrapper caught in an updraft. Higher, Marge! Higher! It won't go any! Higher, I say! I want to soar higher than any man has ever soared!

who wearS short shorts we Wear short shortS they're such short shorts we like short shorts who wears short shorts

Well, first up is the State of Florida versus the Simpson family. Your Honor, I'd like to represent myself. Drunken hicks of the jury--

Aw. Everyone but me. Thanks for waking me for the bookmobile, Terrence!

But this is the peak hour for stoned teenagers buying shiny things. Whoa! It's a living mirror. Cool hat!

Uh-huh-huh, hey. Uh-huh-huh, hey. Well, hey, I'm from the Alabama chapter. Well, I'll be.

(ANNOUNCER READS) Fifty-two jokers playing the game of their lives. I don't wanna be a three! I wanna be a seven! Shut up, kid. You're as crazy as an eight, I'm telling you. ANNOUNCER: With Eddie Murphy as the Jack of Clubs. You don't understand, Officer. I thought that king was a queen.

Splendid, young Beethoven. I hereby declare all other music obsolete. (CACKLES TO THE TUNE OF BEETHOVEN'S FIFTH SYMPHONY) (BEETHOVEN'S FIFTH SYMPHONY PLAYING)

All right, you thumb-sucking worms, let's get one thing straight: your mamas ain't here to help ya. Mine is!

Homer Simpson, because of your lack of faith, you've ruined mankind's chance for salvation. Whoops. Nice goin' there, Homer. Oh, my gosh. Maybe he was telling the truth about everything. Oh, mercy. He's the real deal!

We love him he loves we we're the leader's family These lima beans are even better than the ones we had for breakfast and lunch. Oh! A lima bean that looks just like the Leader! I'll put it with the others. Homer,

Yep. Now all we gotta do is turn that woman into a fella and that kiss into a game of Scrabble.

we're that little extra spice

when you're not strong and I'll be your friend I'll help you Carry on For it won't be long till I'm gonna need

I've heard of a wailing wall, but this is ridiculous! So corny! I'm so sick of that joke!

I was ashamed, Marge. I failed you as a husband and a provider. And at best I was a B-plus dog. I'll understand if you want to sleep on the couch tonight.

Who designed this house?

Why, Marge, look at all those flies buzzing around your head. You're a mess, woman.

Yep. Everybody in town's got their story to tell. There's just not enough time to hear 'em all. Oh. Sorry I'm late. There was trouble at the lab with the running and the exploding and the crying. One of the monkeys stole the glasses off my head. Oh, no, wait. Please, no. Please.

I forgot my math book. Would you hold this for me, please?

Ahh! That'll make your bull run.

Not that I'm into that kind of thing. Bravissimo, Bart!

some living in Holland, left Plymouth, England--"

Football in the Groin! Football in the Groin! Well, we're not gonna resolve this deadlock anytime soon.

Yeah, I got a question for that gross thing, whatever it is. Homer. Nah, the green dude. If you're that baby's daddy, where you been at? You know, somebody needs to learn your green ass some responsibility. Yeah!

the bombs bursting Shoot it off Poppin' way up In the ai-i-i-i-i-i-r... And the home

The tackle box. Remember when he got you the tackle box ? And Connie Chung. And when he surprised you with the Connie Chung calendar ? I'm sure he doesn't do it deliberately. Hmm. Hmm ! Well, Homer and I had a lovely dining experience at Chez Pierre. Or the Rusty Barnacle is nice.

I, uh, don't think this contest is over yet, Buzz, if that is your real name. I believe there is still a little something called the swimsuit competition. There's no swimsuit competition, Homer. You mean I shaved my bikini zone for nothing?

The japanese Mafia? They'll kill ya five times before ya hit the ground.

Oh, glayvin! Oh, nice lady android with the true-to-life floivic. Game over.

Homer! Oh, yeah. I forgot already.

They fight and bite they bite and fight and bite bite, bite, bite fight, fight, fight the itchy and scratchy show

Well, kids, this is where you would watch itchy and scratchy, except they're on the Gabbo Show now. So, here's Eastern Europe's favorite cat and mouse team, Worker and Parasite!

Oh, Simpson, can't you go five seconds without humiliating yourself? How long was that?

David Crosby, you're my hero! Oh, you like my music? You're a musician?

Does the Lord count as a person? No. Then, yes. Do you need a beer to fall asleep? Thank you. That'd be nice. Do you ever hide beer around the house? Do I ever! Ah! Do you ever drink to escape from reality?

There. When do we get to see the animals? In the morning, little one. Now, good night, and don't let the bedbugs paralyze. Homie, did you remember to tip Kitenge? No, he did not.

Don't say the dog's dead when he's not. It's not fair to toy with people's emotions. He is dead. I'll get a shovel. Well, he's not dead, but he is awfully sick. Oh, sure, the old man's off his rocker. If Grandpa says he's dead, he must be alive. He is alive.

Uh, I guess I'll take that one. Hmm. Well, do you need a paperweight? Because if you buy that machine, that's all you're gonna have, is an expensive paperweight. Well, a paperweight would be nice, but what I really need is a computer. - How about that one? - Mm-hmm. That technology is three months old. Only suckers buy out-of-date machines. Uh, you're not a sucker, are you, sir?

Do you want to get married? Married. Sure. Sock it to me, baby. By the power vested in me by the Chicago outfit, I now pronounce you husbands and wives. We are so dead.

They're in the lift, in the lorry, in the bond wizard, and all over the malonga gilderchuck. They're like kangaroos, but they're reptiles, they is. We have them in America. They're called bullfrogs. What? That's an odd name! I'd have called them chazwazzers!

Good evening. I've been asked to tell you... that the following show is very scary, with stuff that might give your kids nightmares. You see, there are some crybabies out there--

Madam, your children are no more... than a pair of ill-bred troublemakers. Lisa too? Especially Lisa! But especially Bart!

That's not so disciplined. They're just children, Mr. Simpson. I guess. "Truth is beauty, beauty, truth," sir. They're discussing poetry. Oh, we never do that at my school. But the truth can be harsh and disturbing. How can that be considered beautiful? Oh, he sure sucked the fun out of that poem.

I know a new song. You still here? Allouetty, Jaunty allouetty allouetty-- Um, uh-- allOuetty-- You already sang that part. The older they get, the cuter they ain't.

Hey, such a filthy habit. Who asked you? Father? Son. Papa! Herschel! Daddy! Boychick! Oh, Daddy!

and I thought it would be a good chance to meet some other adults. Sounds interesting. You know, I spend all day alone with Maggie, and sometimes it's like I don't even exist. Sounds interesting. It's time to name our five finalists, starting with... Miss Montana. A beaut from Butte.

George Burns was right. Show business is a hideous bitch goddess. Cheer up, Bart. Milhouse is still gonna need a true friend. Someone to tell him he's great. Someone to rub lotion on him. Someone he can hurl whiskey bottles at when he's feeling low.

I'm looking for something in an attack dog-- one who likes the sweet, gamey tang of human flesh. Why, here's the fellow. Wiry, fast, firm, proud buttocks. Reminds me of me.

Now pull over! First, raise my allowance. Why, you little... (TIRES SCREECHING)

People are always saying how small England is, but you couldn't fit it all in here, not by a long shot. You know what? I'm cured. Marge, get back here and tell me about your father!

And another thing, how come I can't get no Tang around here? Also-- Hold on a second.

Okay, guys. We push him out of the way in exactly three seconds. Should we correct for wind resistance? Hmm, possibly. What do you think? Oh, my. Well, Dean, I'm really sorry for the running-you-over prank. Prank? And all those other pranks were my idea too.

Oh! I got 15 minutes to gain a pound, or I gotta face another day at work. Bad news, Dad. We're out of food. We're even out of the basic elements of food. You ate all the tarragon, and you drank all the soy sauce.

A counterfeit jeans ring operating out of my car hole! I'm gonna tell everyone. Wait here. Not so fast. Okay. Maybe you should just stop entirely. Herman, how could you?

Gonna work on my "tannage," buddy. Pauly Shore? Wow! Hey. We should do a show together, man. That's a sure cure for the blues.

I'm taking Bart to the mall to buy camping supplies. Why don't you come along? Nah. I wanna enjoy this show before the network retools it. How can I organize this modeling agency... and still be a good single father? - I love you, Daddy. - AWW! Too late!

I am a robot. Do what I say. I am a washing machine. Do what I say.

I certainly hope someone stabs him in the eye.

Hey, I heard there's a lunar eclipse tonight. Maybe we should look up. Nah. For me it's solar or nothin'.

All right. You're dismissed. I'll take it from here. But, Mr. Burns, you're exhausted. Yes, but I have a little secret. I've obtained a rare, powerful aphrodisiac. It was made from the pockets of the pocket fox, an animal that only existed for three weeks in the 16th century.

Hey, kids, while Sideshow Mel mops up, let's see the names of our Krusty birthday pals for today. All right, here comes my name. Wow. Best eight bucks I ever spent.

Whoo! You da man, Carl! I believe you can fly! Boy, I am so sick of everyone assuming I'm good at basketball because I'm African-American! Go, Carl. Go, Carl. It's my birthday. It's my birthday.

No hurry. I got plenty to read. Ooh! Twilight Zone Magazine. lt- Oh, no. My glasses are broken. w'w' f "Twilight Zone Theme ff f

But all normal people love meat. If I went to a barbecue and there was no meat, I would say, "Yo, goober! Where's the meat?"

I'm a big boy today. I gotta find something else quick. Why don't you bring this potato? It's pretty big. Mom, you're always trying to give me potatoes. What is it with you? I just think they're neat. I need something for show-and-tell.

Military school? You lied to me!

Blah, blah, blah. Do this, do that. Blah, blah, blah. I think I'm so big. Blah, blah, blah! Destroy him.

Hmm. Inconclusive. I wish more students had agreed to these electronic tracking implants. We only had one volunteer.

Crack that whip licorice whip I Said whip it licorice whip

Happy, would you like to continue living with us, your loving, natural parents, or would you rather live with this twisted, loveless billionaire? Let's roll. Wait! You forgot your bear-- a symbol of your lost youth and innocence!

Get out! And stay out! Our little hero sure likes Kahlúa and cream.

And now, the Top Hat Channel... is honored to present Broadcast Nudes. Ooh ! Gross ! Yet strangely compelling.

That's weird. The key doesn't fit. Hey, someone's boarded up our windows. Check this out! What's going on? Cooder! What have you done to our house?

Yes, you ! Baboon, baboon, baboon, baboon ! I don't think you realize what you're saying. Baboon !

Mrs. Bouvier! Mrs. Bouvier! Mrs. Bouvier!

Luckily, I was not killed that day. Although sometimes, I wish... I had been. Oh, he's lying !

Uh- You rock, Homer.

Happy New-- Wha-- Oh, no. It's happening.

But when the seeds have been planted, you throw away the envelope.

Well, what do you, uh, people like? Sleep! Sexy dames and plenty of 'em! Matlock! Yeah! Well, uh, I suppose I could name it the, uh, Matlock Expressway.

our new school nurse, Lunch Lady Doris. Yeah, nice to see you. Seymour, why is that student lying unconscious on the floor? Well, in many cases, the floor is the best-- Oh, look! Here comes Lumpy, the school snake. Help! Help! Oh, Lord.

"Simpson." How can I help you?

I'm 12 years old. I'm with my friends. It's a beautiful summer day at the old swimmin' hole. Oh, my God! Do something, Mesmerino. Uh, yes. Yes. Um--

Well, it was a good ride while it lasted. Come on, kids. Let's go home. We are home. That was fast. You've just got to accept it.

Lisa, before you go, would you like to hear a song? Wow! That'd be great! Okay. Take it, apu. I'm sergeAnt pepper's lonely hearts club man I hope I Will enjoy my show

What's wrong? My whole romantic life is flashing before my eyes.

We shall meet again, old friend. But now I must steal away into the night.

Homer, you got a letter. Hmm, it's from the library. Overdue book? This is the biggest frame-up since O.J. Wait a minute. Blood in the Bronco, the cuts on his hands, those Jay Leno monologues. Oh, my God! He did it!

(GRUNTING) I never win anything. Ooh, here's something I'm good at. (HUMMING) (ALARM RINGING) HOMER: Knee... Left... Ding... (BELL DINGING) Hmm! Hmm.

"Don't do what Donny Don't does." They could've made this clearer. Oh! They won't let you have any fun.

No thanks to you, Homer. Why, you little-- Now, Homer, please. The boy's just had a very serious operation.

It's good to have the old Bart back.

So Barney's, like, "You're on your own, dude." And I'm, like, "Not even."

Oh, yes. That crippled Irishman. Sir, the designers are here with some prototypes for your casino. Gentlemen, I give you Britannia! Gambling with all the glitz and glamour of the British Isles. Best of all, the waitresses and showgirls are all real Brits.

All right, this is a raid. Well, well, well, this place has got more pirated tapes than, uh-- A Chinese Kmart? Well, that'll have to do. Are these yours, son?

no one thinks you’re cool anymore. Even that kid that wears diapers is more popular. And he aint popular. So? I'll bounce back. I always bounce back. Like after the time I accidentally called the teacher Mom. Even I beat you up that day... after you passed out.

Uh, why don't you leave the symbol to me, sir?

"Truly, yours is a butt that won't quit. "Yesterday morning "I put your picture up in my garage to inspire me while I gapped my spark plugs." At last, we've built the mission. Finally, the villagers have a place to pray. Bringing in the sheaves

Then take a tip from Mr. Paul Anka!

Madre de Dios! The legends were true! Whenever a teacher confiscates something it ends up here. Salacious halter tops complete collections of Mad, Cracked and the occasional issue of Crazy and this plastic derriere.

I-i'm sorry. Hold on. Hold on. I didn't say "no" exactly. Really? Hot damn! All right, don't eat nothin' for the next three days, 'cause I'm taking you out for a steak the size of a toilet seat.

Homer's the guy who rigged up my pants with this special codpiece. Comfy, isn't it? Oh, yeah. It provides the freedom and protection I so sorely need. Yeah!

I am so excited, I couldnt fall asleep. I even took some pills I found on the floor, and still nothing. You took pills you found on the floor? Uh-huh. Now I'm afraid that if I stop talking, I'll die.

today you can find apples in everything that's good. Apple wine, apple whiskey, apple schnapps, apple martinis, uh, Snapple with vodka in it, apple nail polish remover-- Don't forget applesauce. Yeah. I suppose you could grind some pills into it.

You mean eat cheese, gnaw through electrical cords,

I have been working out secretly at night. And look at me now! Oh, my goodness gracious! Go ahead. Try and grab some flab. Go on! No. Not there. Not there either. Over here. I've got some. No. Here. Try my foot.

Wow! A Val-U-Qual coupon book! Let's see. Ten percent off carpet cleaning. Ten! Two pizzas for the price of one at Doughy's! Doughy's has terrible pizza. Yeah, but there's two! Oh, free foot pain analysis.

Uh, they all won.

Montgomery Burns. Yea! Yea! And the fans do not like this one bit. And here come the pretzels.

All right. We'll try it your way. Can I help you, sir? My God, you're greasy! Mr. Maruko, help!

"but three times as many plus six get on. "At the second stop, half the passengers plus two get off, but twice as many get on as got on at the First stop." oof ! Ticket, please. I don't have a ticket. Come with me, boy. We've got a stowaway, sir.

I'm Michael jackson from the jacksons. I'm Homer Simpson from the Simpsons.

Hey, can I throw up in your bathroom? I'll buy something.

Your parent-- Abraham Simpson--

Hey! Oh! Huh? Aw, darn it! Swish was everything I'm not. Put the head back on. [Man On PA JAndnowit's time for our $50, 000 halt-court shot. - The winning fan is in Section "A "- - Yes. Row 12-

I shall dance... with her. Ooh! QuÉ malo. Once again, I must sugar my own churro.

Go on, Maggie. You can do it.

See you at 6:00. You're going down, my friend. Yes, sir, Mr. Burns.

Lunch Lady Doris, have you got any grease? Yes. Yes, we do. Then grease me up, woman! Okeydokey.

although I'm afraid he may never walk again.

Noooo! Noooo! Noooo!

Our children aren't safe with that monster! Yeah, keep away from him, Milhouse! You too, Ralphie. You're out of that day care center. Oh! My polite indignation knows no bounds! No! No! No one is taking my kids from me! Run, children, run!

Well, if it isn't Springfield's finest little babysitter, Lisa Simpson! Hi! How are you? Um, I'm fine. Now, Lisa, when you're walking down the side of the road, you always want to be sure to go with traffic, okay? Well, is that with traffic or against traffic?

Now, back to your teens. Sorry I'm late, Lisa. I was at the gym, totally gunning my lats. Just gunning them. (GRUNTS) Oh, man. The deposit on this tux was 200 Reagans. Hey, everybody. Bart, you're looking crooked.

And I wouldn't trade her for all the sleep-in Sundays and speed dating in the world. Miss Naegle, even though I disagree with your principles, I certainly admire your success. Well, Lisa, I would be proud if one of the eggs I sold turned out like you. Mom, I locked your keys in the car.

Come on, Bart. Ride me. I better not. He's insulting both of us. Let's go.

But Freddy Quimby's innocent! How do you know? There weren't any witnesses. Oh, yeah. Right. You'd think someone would've seen something at a crowded party like that. Well, they didn't, okay? They didn't! It says so right here in black-and-white, "no witnesses." Case closed. Now, let's all read the funnies.

Huh ? Oh ! Assassins ! Oh, a hundred and twenty-five bucks ! Sometimes you gotta spoil yourself. Spoil yourself. Spoil yourself. But I can't afford to-- Simpson, I order you to buy those shoes ! Okay, Flanders. You're the boss.

You've really done it this time, Bart! You're in for the punishment of a lifetime! When do you expect the ringing will stop? In about 10 to 15 seconds! I certainly hope so! That's better. Now, about your punishment, young man.

I think it sucks.

No! No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!

Oh, man, is this ever sweet.

We're shutting you down. Not a chance. No one can silence me but me! That arranged can be. Wha--

Our demands are very reasonable. By ignoring them, you're selling out these children's futures. Oh, come on, Edna! We both know these children have no future! Prove me wrong, kids. Prove me wrong.

You know, I've been thinking. Everyone makes peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, but usually the jelly drips out over the side... and the guy's hands get hands get all sticky. But your jelly stays right in the middle where it's supposed to. I don't know how you do it. You just got a gift, I guess. I've always thought so.

One more and I get a free hysterectomy.

My view, he's a great leader and a gallant American. He's got a heart as big as my boobs! I guess we'll have to agree to agree on this one. Boobs! Smithers, do you know Bill from Accounting?

Cloud goes up. Cloud goes down. Bed goes up. Bed goes down. Hey, hey! Hey, what's the matter?

Good Lord! The rod up that man's butt must have a rod up its butt.

All right, Simpson. You were warned about teasing the box.

Why, you little-- Uh-oh ! Come back here, you little Raven ! Doh !

Homer, that's... Oh! Step aside. I'll deliver this baby. Why don't you let me handle it. Oh, a college boy, eh? Homer, let him deliver the baby!

Ruff, ruff. I'm Poochie, the rockin' dog. Hi. I'm Troy McClure. You may remember me from such cartoons as... Christmas Ape and Christmas Ape Goes to Summer Camp.

Anyway, enjoy. Single women of Springfield, your prayers have been "Flanswered". Ned Flanswered, that is. Is this a dating video? Shush! What would you say about a man who owns his own house and his own car? That's Ned Flanders!

football... boobies-- Bubbles, it's going to be a long night.

which was the style at the time. Now, to take the ferry cost a nickel. And in those days, nickels had pictures of bumblebees on 'em.

He seemed to know a lot about brunch, but it turned out he wasn't interested in brunch at all. Your laughter is like music to me.

Why, this rickety ladder in front of this door...

Homer, I'm so mad at you. I'll bet you blew up the town just to get out of cleaning the garage. (LAUGHING) Everything's coming up Homer.

Spill it! Where's your brother? You'd better answer him, Lisa. He's a bad man. What are you laughing about? You started off as the bad cop. And now you're the good one. You and Willie got mixed-up about 10 minutes ago.

Um, Miss Hoover? Yes, Ralph? What is it? My worm went in my mouth and then I ate it. Can I have a new one? No, Ralph. There aren't any more. just try to sleep while the other children are learning. Oh, boy! Sleep! That's where I'm a Viking.

Darn her socks? I say, darn her.

Oh, that is it! I'm tired of being pushed around by grown-ups! It's time to fight back! - Yeah! - Fight back! Fight back!

Aurora borealis. Uh-- Aurora borealis at this time of year... at this time of day in this part of the country... localized entirely within your kitchen?

We better pick up some supplies.

Gimme those! Better wash these off. Oh, the hell with it. Well, Grampa, as long as you're here, we were telling a story that took place... when Bart was five and Lisa was three. Oh, I know this story.

Oh, say can you see Back in row Double-Z That the team sucks out loud And you fans are all plowed

Whoa, that's funny! There's only one way my show can compete with this. Book that animal that always chomps on my groin. Susan Anton? No, the lemur!

You've been eating that thing for a week. I think the mayonnaise is starting to turn. Two more feet, and I can fit it in the fridge. Homer, I found this behind the radiator.

Worst episode ever.

Come on. Why won't you go out with Bart? He's a smelly, ugly dork! Please, "ugly" is such a smelly word. Who would you rather go out with? Tommy. Well, duh. He's breathtaking.

Whoo-hoo! jackpot. Wait a minute! Are you over 21? Are you? I'm not authorized to answer that. By the way, your martinis suck!

This is even more painful than it looks. This is all my fault, Dad.

Whoo! Ha-ha! I am invincible! Invincible! You're--

- I am Formico, the dean of design. - Hi, Formico. Uh-uh-uh. My name must never be spoken. Sorry. He seems nice.

It's Suds McDuff! With a shuttle craft of genuine draft! Whoo-ha! Ooh! A party. Duff. The official beer of NASA-- National Association of the Sellers of Alcohol. Yay!

(SNORING) (GASPS)

Boring! That didn't explain anything. All I know is they stole my face and used it for their stupid logo. - There's no other explanation. - Wait! Look! Mr. Sparkle, a joint venture of Matsumura Fishworks... and Tamaribuchi Heavy Manufacturing Concern.

Are you listening In the lane Snow is glistening A beautiful sight We're happy tonight Walking in a winter wonderland

Spring break! Spring break! Spring break! Oh, no! We came during spring break! Take 'em off the glass! Take 'em off the glass!

Why, you little-- And after that comes fear. What's after fear ? What's after fear ?

Duck, duck, duck, duck. Duck, duck, duck, duck. Duck, duck, duck, duck. Say "goose," you stupid freak! (CRYING) (GROANS)

You don't even care ! You don't even care ! All right, Bart ! That's it ! Go to your room now ! Okay. I'll take some white meat and stuffing to go, and send up the pumpkin pie in about 20 minutes.

But you can thank your lucky stars we don't live in Paraguay.

And that mule went on to save spring break.

Let's fire some employees. Excellent.

you can see that the chunks of barf... are actually pictures of our animators and their friends. Are there any questions? Here! Right here! Hello! Yes, you. What state does Danger Dog live in? Michigan. Next. Why does Danger Dog mean more to me than school or church? Because those things suck.

Of course you did. But there's the truth, and the truth!

Come on, man! Everyone knows the first day of school is a total wank.

Moe's. Aah! Natural light! Get it off me! Get it off me! Oh, I'm sorry. I thought this was a family restaurant. Oh, it is. It is. Just, uh, pull them stools up to the pool table. Daddy, this place... smells like tinkle!

Bringing in the sheaves

Uh, it's my first day! Quack, quack, quack.

Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo! I'm married to Joey Heatherton.

Communism! That's right. And I didn't tap all those Morse code messages to the Allies... till my shoes filled with blood... just to roll out the welcome mat for the Reds. All right. I'll be the stupid curtain puller. Smoothly. Pulla-pulla-pulla.

I guarantee! Will you stop saying that?

Nelson, what are you doing? I'm solving world hunger. Hey, you're wrecking it!

But we all knew from day one this mumbo jumbo wouldn't fly. Guess we're done! I'll call Washington and tell them they won. But, Presidente, America tried to kill you! Ah, they're not so bad. They even named a street after me in San Francisco. It's full of what?

Here we are. Chapter 2. "So your pressure is dropping." Dad, wake up! What? I think a hurricane is coming! Oh, Lisa! There's no record of a hurricane ever hitting Springfield.

- Yes? - Domer. Why, you little-- Aah!

I'm back to commit felonious assault because your infernal singing just would not halt Actually, we're done. Done, done. And not a moment too soon.

Yeah? Well, I ain't cooking 'em. (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) And George Jefferson, wherever you are,

Sideshow Bob...

Hey. Listen up. I want all of youse to say hello to the Simpsons. Hello! Has the whole world gone insane? Stand still! There's a spark in your hair! Get it! Get it! Get it! Hot stuff comin' through.

Prepackaged Star Wars characters, still in their display box? Are those the limited-edition action figures? What's a diorama? Why, it's Luke and Obi Wan and my favorite Chewie. They're all here! What do you think?

"A million poets working for a million years..." You're so lucky. When are you going to meet him? First, I ask him to send a photo. If he's got everything where it should be I'm reeling him in. Strap on your skates, Gordie.

Poor Selma. You were having... such a lovely evening... And then I went and spoiled it all by doing something stupid like explode you sideshow Bob, I'm afraid the only victims here... Are the good people at best western hotels. Bart!

Bart and I will explore the attic until we find their source. (LOUD CREAKING) (LAUGHS NERVOUSLY) Must be the pipes. What do you think, Bart? I think you're on your own, toots! (GASPING FEARFULLY) Okay. I'll just stay calm and approach this scientifically.

All right. Let's get our stories straight.

Dear Santa, if you bring me lots of good stuff, I promise not to do anything bad... between now and when I wake up, amen.

He's insulting both of us.

Oy! And here comes the ambulance!

Pie. Popular pastry, tricky math thing and now sword of righteousness. A masked avenger has been giving Springfield's scoundrels their just desserts! This is for your show's slight decline in quality over the years! KENT: In an attempt to curb copycat pie-ings, the police have organized a pie-for-guns exchange.

Hmm. Ahhh ! Ahhh ! Homer ?

Why are the pretty ones always insane?

You know, I've had a lot of jobs. Boxer, mascot, astronaut, imitation Krusty, baby-proofer, trucker, hippie, plow driver, food critic, conceptual artist, grease salesman, carny, mayor, grifter, bodyguard for the mayor, country-western manager, garbage commissioner, mountain climber, farmer, inventor, Smithers, Poochie, celebrity assistant, power plant worker,

And now, a man you will see is definitely not dead. Mr. Montgomery Burns!

Marge, this is everything I've ever dreamed of-- right here. And nobody's gonna take it away from me. You never had faith in me before, but let me tell you-- the slim, lazy Homer you knew is dead. Now I'm a big, fat dynamo! And where's that cake?

(CRYING) Mom, it's me. Don't cry. I'm okay. The kidnappers say if you worry too much, (IGNITES ELEMENT) they'll kill me. (WAILING) Uh... No, no. I mean... (POPCORN POPPING) (DOOR OPENING) Okay, you made your point! (CAWING) Gotta go!

We must alert the proper authorities. To the observatory! We are the Super Friends Hey, shut up.

I got a bad feeling about this.

because my husband got drunk and humiliated me in front of the entire town. You broke your promise, Homer. Oh, honey. I didn't get drunk. I just went to a strange fantasy world. Come on. You gotta believe me. You're my soul mate. Don't soul mate me! Okay.

Wait a minute. I didn't use that much poison. I mean, I didn't use that much poi, son, at the royal luau.

- Oh, act your age. - Oh! You are so dead.

What a crappy candle. You've ruined our vacation.

Hey, Simpson. Race ya. First one to the front of the bus gets Martin's lunch money. What? Go apple! Go orange! Go banana! Make way for grapefruit. Go grapefruit!

Uh-oh. My beard. I broke my beard. Oh, my God! We can't let Homer know!

While johnny Welfare plays acid rock on a stolen guitar, his old lady has a better idea. That's right. She's got the "munchies" for a California cheeseburger.

(IMPRESSED MURMURS) That sucked. Well, at least I've still got my health... - (GRUNTS) - (HONKING)

What are you talking about? I-- Is that dinner? It was dinner. Why didn't you just turn off the oven? I was hoping we could do that together.

Everywhere around the world They're coming to America Every time that flag's unfurled They're coming to America Got a dream to take them there

All right, gentlemen, I'll take your case. But I'm going to have to ask for a thousand-dollar retainer. A thousand dollars? But your ad says, "No money down." Oh, they got this all screwed up.

Okay, here's your precious articles. Thanks, Marge. I can't wait to read about... "Sport Fishing With Sonny Jurgensen." (SOBBING)

I will not jump Springfield Gorge. That's my boy.

D'oh! (SCREAMS) (BRAKES SCREECHING) (ALL SCREAMING) (GIANT FISH GULPS)

You know what I think of this contract?

No, Connie, over here! Help me! Mom, Dad, look what I found! Oh, boy! Buffalo testicles! Mmm! No, Dad, they're apples. Yuck!

Hello, I'll-- Oh, it's just air. Oh, come on! Hurry up! Okay, people. One, two, three. I thought I told you: no returns for busted merchandise. What are you doing to my son?

A real scrapper. A self-made man, like me. Bring this Grimes fellow to me. I want to make him my executive vice president. Yes, sir. Smithers, I've just seen the most heroic dog on television.

And like Icarus, the rocket foolishly soared too high... and lost control of its servo-guidance mechanism... leaving us with some... six hours to live. So let's go live now to the charred remains of the only bridge out of town... with Arnie Pie and Arnie in the Sky.

Anyhow, i must've looked at somebody the wrong way, because the next thing i knew, i was running for my life.

I have a plan. I think we can trap him. You know, Sideshow Bob, I believe you when you say you're innocent.

Table for one. Oh, you miss your friend, huh? Don't you worry. My cooking, she'll-a cheer you up. Hey, Salvatore, give-a the ugly kid a plate of the red crap!

Will you look at those morons? I paid my taxes over a year ago. Dad! What is it, sweetie? Did you see a scary picture in your picture book? That was last year's taxes. You have to pay again this year. No. Because, you see, I went ahead, and...

Kids ! We're late for church.

Your Honor, we the jury... find that to be America's funniest home video. Back to you, Bob Saget. This is a court of law. Okeydoke.

Turn him from an enemy into a friend? Then, when he's not expecting it-- Bam! The old fork in the eye. Do you think it might work without the fork in the eye? There's always a first time.

He aint no cowboy! Sure I am. Okay, he's in.

Someone's getting a visit from Superintendent Chalmers. I... can't... take... this. Skinner! Superintendent Chalmers, you didn't have to come all the way down here. Everything's under control.

Krusty wants out!

Don't worry, Marge. You won't feel a thing. You'll feel four things.

Okay, I'm not gonna give up. Solitude never hurt anyone. Emily Dickinson lived alone, and she wrote some of the most beautiful poetry the world has ever known. Then went crazy as a loon.

(GROANING) My heart! It hurts so much! (GROANS) Like it's caught in a vise! (CHUCKLES) My little boy's in love. I think he's having a heart attack! (GROANS LOUDLY)

I need one 29-cent stamp. That's $1.85. - I want $2.00 worth of gas, please. - $4.20. How much is your penny candy? Surprisingly expensive. What a rip-off! This is what I think of your store!

Hey, hey. Officers, you have arrested an innocent man. Really? Oh, geez. All right, Colossus, you're free to go. But stay away from Death Mountain. But all my stuff is there.

Probably. I'm trying to watch the Super Bowl. If people don't support this thing, it might not make it. Joe Willie Namath swaggering off the field, his sideburns an apogee of sculpted "sartorium"-- the foppish follicles pioneered by Ambrose Burnside, Appomattox, 1865.

Now, make like my pants and split! What good's a credit card if you can't even use it? Hmm. "Order by phone. 1-800"--

You gotta lose yourself in the moment, man.

I'm gonna give you the biggest ticket you-- Hey, hey! Krusty! I'm not Krusty. To think I was gonna give you a ticket-- Krusty the Clown! I am not Krusty! Hey, Krusty, you remember that time we got loaded... and set those beavers loose in that pine furniture store? Oh! Ah, memories.

We must alert the proper authorities. To the observatory! We are the Super Friends Hey, shut up.

There's gotta be something I haven't tried. Huh ? Hey, what's this ? Fugu !

Get 'em! Use your phony guns as clubs! Run, children! Start the bus, Otto! Start the bus! Damn! I shouldn't have eaten the mint first. Okay, hop on.

I regret nothing!

Hey, you're wrecking it! What the-- Look out! It's gonna blow!

Kill me. Kill me. But first, we'll examine the growing Itchy and Scratchy mania... with their new movie premiering today.

So it would seem. Anyhoo, I bet this is all a pretty big surprise, huh? Mild-mannered Homer Simpson... You're not mild-mannered. You're often liquored up and rude. Honorable men can differ.

Elton john? That's my name. Well, not really.

Listen, darlin', we're just as much a part of Springfield... as the church, the library or the crazy house. - So I think I'll stay right here, neighbor. - Is that so?

Mmm! Gummi Beer. Hey, Barney, I think you've had enough. Are you crazy? We still haven't tried Raspberry Duff, Lady Duff, Tartar Control Duff--

So how's Maude Flanders doing up there? She playin' the field? Ooh! Yeah, really? All those guys? Amen.

You're jealous.

Ow, ow, ow. Seymour, I was thinking of promoting you to assistant superintendent. But, instead, that plum goes to Holloway. No. But, sir, he's a drunk. And a pill-Popper. If I could just-- Silence! And why is a cafeteria worker posing as a nurse? I get two paychecks this way. D'oh.

Ahh, ballet. Hee-hee-hee. All right. Whoo-hoo! Yea!

the satisfaction of payday. Receiving a big fat check for a job well done. Simpson, Homer ? Here ya go. Come on, son. Let's go cash this baby and get presents for-- Thirteen bucks ? Hey, wait a minute. That's right. $120 gross. Less Social Security, less unemployment insurance,

The bear. The bear!

Hey, kids! Nachos, Flanders-style! That's cucumbers with cottage cheese!

Ron Howard's attached to direct. I am not. Well, he expressed an interest. - No, I didn't. - Did too. - I did not. - You lie!

I saw a burglar and he was-- he took-- he got all our stuff. Including the tree. We were robbed? Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh.

Bart! No! What? Sorry. Force of habit. Lisa! No! Uhh! Ohh!

You said it, partner. Ah, nice to see ya. Hey, how about that Bloodzilla? Vampire Dinosaur? Oh, you can't make that stuff up. "The Death of Sad Sack." This better not be another fake out.

I want it all-- the terrifying lows, the dizzying highs, the creamy middles. Sure, I might offend a few of the bluenoses... with my cocky stride and musky odors. Oh, I'll never be the darling of the so-called city fathers, who cluck their tongues, stroke their beards,

(LAUGHS MISCHIEVOUSLY) BARNEY: I guess you're just too smart for me, Bart. What? Ha-ha! Huh? (STRUGGLING) Thanks, Barney. Moe, we won't need you now.

- Smithers, tip over this table for me. - Yes, sir. Homer. Homer. Make them stop. Uh, Mr. Burns. Mr. Burns. Shut up and wreck something. Mr. Burns, I hardly see...

- Get a free ride. - And a hot plate! Free ride. Free ride. Free ride.

This is so sad.

Stay away from me, Homer! Give me the bat, Marge. Give me the bat. Give me the bat. Come on. Give me the bat. Give me the bat, bat, ooh.

I hope you're going to the Valley Vista Try-N-Save, kid, 'cause you don't want to come to my store. Catfish?

Nothing's changed. Hidilly-ho, slave-a-reenos. Okilly-dokilly. Hey. What the hell is that geek Flanders doing on TV? Oh, I see by the big board we got a Negative Nellie in Sector 2.

It's terrible-- all the traffic lights are out. Driving sure is dangerous. Yeah, tell me about it. I got some yuppie jerk-off headed right for me, yakkin' away on his cell phone. Huh! I hear that. I got some big shot barreling down on me. Hey! Who are you talkin' to, your boyfriend? Hey, jackass! Your voice sounds familiar!

Come on, Mom. The stores just invented this holiday to make money. Lisa, don't you ruin another Love Day. For you, Homie. I'm Sir Loves-A-Lot, the bear who loves to love. They didn't have Lord Huggington? It's the same basic bear, Homie. I guess.

(MUTTERING GIBBERISH) FEMALE VOICE: I have a serious brain disease. Please give me a cat. (MUMBLES)

Then we saw Donald Sutherland's ass Animal house, house, house Animal house, house, house Then they did the end like American Graffiti Where you found out what happened to everyone

I'm attracted to another woman. What am I going to do? Your infatuation is based on a physical attraction. Talk to the woman and you'll realize you have nothing in common. Barney, that is so insightful. How did you come up with that? It was on one of these bar napkins.

Hmm. Maybe if I use my least-nagging tone of voice-- Homer. Mmm. Homer! Homer?

Mom! Dad! Don't turn on the light! Don't turn on the light! There's a U.F.O. outside my window-- seriously.

Mmm. Sorry, Marge. I'm afraid this gets my lowest rating ever-- seven thumbs up. You always liked my pork chops. Marge, I'm sorry, but your cooking's only got two moves-- shake and bake.

What did the aliens look like? Well, I only saw them from the back... 'cause they were so busy gang-probing you. Well, hello, little birdies. - Not the eyes! - My eyes! Cover your eyes! If I Wind up broke well, I'll always remeMber

How do you find the defendant? He's guilty of mayhem exposure indecent freaked-out behavior both chronic and recent drinking and driving narcotics possession and that's just page one of his 10-page confession

If they hire a woman, we won't be able to spit on the floor. And we can't take off our pants when it gets real hot. And we won't be able to pee in the drinking fountain. Yeah-- I mean, that-- You know, if we wanted to. Not that I ever did.

"All I can give you in return is my soul, which I pledge to you forever." We've heard enough. Your Honor, we find that Homer Simpson's soul is legally the property... of Marge Simpson and not of the devil. Yea! Whoo-hoo-- Ow!

Next. Exc-ell-ent. Next. Exactly. D'oh! - Next! - ¡Excellente!

You got it. What is it ? Wait ! Uh-- - Nothing. Wait. - What ? Beat but... don't kick. Hold the kicks. Got it. Wait. - What ? - Uh-- Um-- Uh-- What did Homey do, anyway ? He saved Mr. Burns's life !

But we can't blame ourselves. We can and will !

Go away! There ain't no monorail, and there never was!

Stupid kids ruin everything! So you're not in the mood anymore, are you?

Yuck! All right, uh, let's get started on lunch. And-- Wait. Where's Lenny? Hello? Can anybody hear me? I think I found a way out. It's not pretty, but it'll do.

I am evil Homer. I am evil Homer.

Not a guarantee. Loving serenity. It's about damn time!

She can crush clams with them. Get it off, get it off, get it off! Here we have an Alaskan timber wolf. He weighs 240 pounds, and his jaws can bite through a parking meter. He does get spooked by loud noises. "Loud"? That's our secret word for the day!

Hey, I've only been here a few minutes. What's going on?

Did you get a load of "Corpsey" the Clown? That guy cheapens our whole profession. What do you think of him, Internet Comic? Guys, keep it down.

But surely your incredible family will cheer you up. (CONTINUES SOBBING) Wait. Do you even have a family? No, I don't! They're imaginary, like your brain! I understand. You don't understand anything!

(CHUCKLES) Remember me for my police work and not the murders...

Jasper. Gladys. Beatrice. Lookin' good, Hattie. Asa. Hazel. Hazel. Hazel! Oh, the hell with her. Hester. Emile. Prudence. Lemuel. - Increase. Dad. - Cornelius. Suppertime.

They ruined all our best names, like Bruce and Lance and julian. Those were the toughest names we had. Now they're just, uh-- Queer? Yeah, and that's another thing. I resent you people using that word. That's our word for making fun of you! We need it!

Hello. This is Mr. S-Sampson.

Now, a brilliant jazz musician who's inspired me to do some improv poetry. Twinkle, twinkle, groovy cat. How I wonder where you at. I really love the way you cook. just like me when I wrote this book. How to Make Love to Steve Allen, from the author of Happiness is a Naked Steve Allen,

Hi, Bart. I saw the way they set you up. - That was really unfair. - Ohh! Want to have dinner at my house tonight? Really? Uh, sure. Great. We eat at 7:00.

Thank you, Helen. And thank you all for your kind contrib-- A chocolate bunny? Who put this wicked idol in the collection plate? Relax. I found it in the Dumpster. Perhaps we need a hefty dose of the good book.

The most rewarding part was when he gave me my money.

Say it, Frenchy. Say "chowdah"! Never!

O'er the fields we go Laughing all the way Ha ha ha Bells on bobtail ring Isn't Bart sweet, Homer ? He sings like an angel. Oh, jingle bells Batman smells Robin laid an egg

To the most beautiful moment in life. Better than the deed, better than the memory-- the moment of anticipation. Oh, jacques, you handsome devil. Look at you. You're really going to strike out tonight !

Must find man. Must find man. Must find man.

Cool-- An oversize novelty billiard ball. You shake it up and it tells the future. Really? Uh-huh. Will I pass my English test? "Outlook not so good." Wow, it does work!

Wow! A lot of people have pools. Honey, my shoulders are separating!

I'll mace you good! Your species is brutish and primitive!

Well, that's too freakin' bad! I'll tell you where you can put your freakin' "sodie" too! Oh, my goodness!

I love beer. - Oh, he loves beer. Here, little fella. - Dad, no! Error. I'm sorry. I thought he was a party robot. Oh! This is why I can't have nice things. Every time I design a robot, somebody comes along and--

What'll I do? Frankly, my dear-- I love you. Let's remarry.

Well, I'm not giving my baby any more dangerous drugs. From now on, it's nothing but fresh air, lots of hugs and good old-fashioned Ritalin. You said a mouthful. When I can't stop fiddlin' I just takes me Ritalin I'm poppin' and sailin', man

Oh, I guess Dad must be dead by now. When I get better, and after I've built those shelves for the kitchen, we'll visit his grave. Grave nothin'! I never felt more alive! Oh, boy, I shouldn't have done that.

Boo, Baron! And the rest. R-O-C-k in the U.S.A. Whoo! R-O-C-k in the U.S.A.

Also, sir, your Loudmouth Leopard is a rip-off of Jackie Gleason. Humina, humina, humina, humina, humina. And Clutzy Cat sounds exactly like Jerry Lewis, with the stealing and the lawsuit and the "Oh, nice judge. Don't hurt a person with the thing."

How can I get her to notice me? Meet me at the tree house, Bart. And come alone.

Ahh! Buzz Cola, the taste you'll kill for. Available in "ze" lobby. Do they really think cheapening the memory of our veterans will sell soda? I have to go to "ze" lobby!

Now, my story begins in nineteen dickety-two. We had to say "dickety," 'cause the kaiser had stolen our word "twenty." I chased that rascal to get it back... but gave up after dickety-six miles. Dickety? Highly dubious. What are you cackling at, fatty? Too much pie.

Hubba-hubba. Stop that! I love my wife and family. All I'm gonna use this bed for is sleeping, eating and maybe building a little fort. That's it! Free mouthwash! Free shampoo! Free shower curtain! Free shower curtain!

There's your problem.

As for the workmanship on the hand, it-- Oh.

Our residents... are trying... to nap!

Keep Gaming. What? It means gambling. Keep gambling. Oh. Right-eo. One betting disk, please. "One betting disk, please." Watch and learn. And 14 black. Well, there you go.

Ooh, sounds delish. Let me just toss some jeans on and-- Wait a minute. Who is this? Well, howdilly dodilly-do.

Mom! Huh? What? Lisa, what's up? I just had a bad dream. Oh, sure. You just lie down and tell me all about it. Well, I know it's absurd, but I dreamed the bogeyman was after me, and he's hiding-- Bogeyman!

Homer, no! Aaah! A hungry, hungry hippo. Aaah! Help! Kitenge! Now, Simpsons! Run for it.

Sir, if I could just break in for a moment.

Mom, my potato is eating a carrot. That's it. From now on, I'm growing all our vegetables myself.

(GRUNTS) That's a hard five. All units move in. (SIREN WAILS) We're putting you away, Kicky Mantle. And give that can the whole CSI treatment. You know, lab tests, weird lights, shots from the can's point of view. Yeah, that's it. Lots of flash and no meaning.

Prohibition. They tried that in the movies, and it didn't work.

Quitting show biz. No, I like the area. But where does it go? Get away from me! Wait! We have more notes! Get off, damn you! You can kill me, but two more will take my place!

So what do you care? It's not like you have friends. I have a boyfriend. Sure. Yeah, right. What? I do! Oh, yeah? What's his name? Uh, George... Cauldron. George Cauldron? Maybe he can fix me up with Ed Ladle.

The worst part is I'll never see my Homie again. That's the worst part? Then I'm not doing my job. (LAUGHING DIABOLICALLY) (MARGE SCREAMS) I've gotta save them!

Here's a preview. God said to Noah build yourself an arky-arky Animals came on by onesies and twosies-twosies Elephants and kangaroosies-roosies

But who'd want to hurt me? I'm this century's Dennis the Menace.

And the bumper stickers misspelled "on." They all say, "Yes No 242." And it's the night before the election and you haven't handed them out! I need to be alone right now. Marge, wait!

Dad, there's a bug on that. Eh.

f Male Announcer On TV] We nowreturn to That '30s Show. Hey, Pop, where's the crank on this Victrola? Why, it's the latest model. From now on, the only crank in this house is your Aunt Gladys. - [Audience Laughing f - For your information, I'm cranky because I’ve got polio. - Aw. - Oh! f Laughing f

your baby was fathered by a drooling space octopus? It made me angry, Jerry. Angry and tired. Well, you're about to get a whole lot angrier... because we have the extramarital extraterrestrial backstage... in a soundproof booth where he can't hear us.

Ooh! Can I have dinner? You can't have a brownie, period. Homer wants a brownie. I'm gonna get one. No. Coming in from the left. Stop it. Or is it the right? Look out for the reach-around! Homer! He shoots, he sc-- My thumb!

The Leader is good. The Leader is great. We surrender our will as of this date. It's no use. He's obviously the most powerful mind we've ever dealt with. Or-- - Na-na, na-na, na-na, na-na - leader na-na, na-na, na-na, na-na leader na-na, na-na, na-na, na-na leader na-na, na-na, na-na, na-na

One show only. Tickets will go fast, very fast. So your parents should be getting in line. If you don't come, Roofi will be sad. And the helpful bear, she will die! (COUGHING) Tickets, tickets buy them now

Oh, Mrs. Simpson, it may interest you to know, we are having a sale on blue dye number 52. It is your hair color, I believe. Whatever do you mean? I don't dye my hair. Nah, nah, nah. You got it wrong, 'pu. She's blue 56. I don't know what you're talking about.

How 'bout this little bee? No! Oh! Remember your hippopotamus oath.

It's, like, realsville, daddy-o. Ha ! - Bart, what are you doing ? - Uh-oh ! - Aah ! - Aah ! Why, you little-- Uh-oh ! Now I got ya ! Aah ! Aah ! Boy must die !

I'm gonna make it. I'm gonna make it !

Good day. Easy, easy. Yes, yes. Yes, yes, yes-- D'oh! 7-10 split. Homer, can you run some lines with me? Make Bart do it. It'll just take a sec. Gutter ball! D'oh! You see, Marge, while you're off in your own little world, you forgot that other people have problems too.

Are the luCkiest people

He took Bart too? That wasn't part of our deal, Blackheart! That wasn't part!

Early reports indicate, and these are very preliminary, that one of the fighters is a giant lizard. Do we have a source on this? Uh-huh. A bunch of drunken frat boys. All right. I could use some names. I.P. Freely. L--

We worked so hard, and now it's all gone. We ended up with nothing because the three of us can't share. - What's your point ? - Nothin'. just kind of ticks me off.

Good riddance. Wanna go celebrate? I feel like liver and onions. Mmm.

So, whets the ambition du jour? I am collecting signatures to bring back the night sky. Wow, the night sky. How’d you come up with that- tilt your head up? Does it make you feel superior to tear down people's dreams? Yes. Does it make you feel smart to question people's motives?

Come on, Chalmie. You fired Skinner for less than this.

A fine mahoke to you all.

Cloning is a troubling issue. I like the ones where the mouse kills the cat.

I'm gonna do something your daddy should've done a long time ago. Now, go home and think about what you've done, young man.

Get off! Get off!

You want that once-a-year empty gesture? You got it. Hey, Michael, I don't get it. These guys seem as normal as you and me. Homer, this is Floyd. He's an idiot savant. He can multiply any two numbers in his head just like that. Five times nine. Forty-five.

Hey, if you want wild bears eating your children... and scaring away your salmon, that's your business.

Homer, how did you think I'd feel when I saw that? Something like that.

What'll I do? Frankly, my dear-- I love you. Let's remarry. Ahh. That's sweet. What a lovely ending. They cut out the best word. Didn't that movie used to have a war in it? Come on, you. You've been warned.

Fat Tony, is that you? Fat Tony? Hey, where's that voice coming from? This guy's wearing a wire! Take him out! My bad. I can't work my answering machine either.

You know, you look a little flushed. Maybe you should eat more vegetables and less people. Uh-huh.

Four? Oh, no! Oh, this is so embarrassing! Lisa, did anyone force you to come here today? You. Hmm. Well, no one's forcing you to stay. Okay, I'm leaving. Hup. You're not going anywhere, missy.

You hit her pretty hard there, Rick. Say, folks, what's all the ruckus?

A spoor! Hmm-- His brand of gum, Doublemint. Trying to double your fun, eh, Bart? Well, I'll double your detention. I wish someone was around to hear that. And so we enter endgame.

Wait, wait, wait. Homer's trying to make a guess. Beer, beer, beer! What are you doing? You're getting some kind of booze all over me.

I'm Anoop, you racist cracker!

Like one time, we were having this race... with this stupid, old-timey bicycle with the big wheel in front. So, I figure, we'll see about that. So I get this big chunk of cinder block-- Oh, gotta go. Innocent!

All right. Come in. They know. Kids, this is Robby the Automaton. Greetings, Earth children. Where are you from? Earth. Anyway, have you ever wondered what it feels like to touch a star?

Attention. This is Principal Skinner, your principal, with a message from the principal's office. All students please proceed immediately to an assembly... in the Butthead Memorial Auditorium.

Sleigh bells ring Are you listening in the lane snow is glistening

What did he say? What did he say? Was that about me?

Good for him. Yes, but, Marge, you're missing the point. The individual doesn't matter. It was a team effort. And I was the one who came up with the whole team idea.

Hey, hey, hey ! Settle down, boys and girls, or Krusty will have to bring out his old friend Corporal Punishment again. Please, stop it ! Wha-- Who are you people ? What do we want ? Substantially less violence in children's programming ! When do we want it ?

Now for my favorite part of the show. What does that say? "Talk to the audience."

Get ready, everybody. He's about to do something stupid. Well, I'm sorry to disappoint you gentlemen, but you seem to have me confused with a character in a fictional show.

Forget context. He's gotta be a surfer. Give me a nice schmear of surfer. I feel we should "rastafy" him by 10% or so.

Oh. So you're lookin' for a Mr. Smithers, eh? First name Waylon, is it? Listen to me, you! When I catch you, I'm gonna pull out your eyes and shove 'em down your pants... so you can watch me kick the crap outta you! Okay? Then I'm gonna use your tongue to paint my boat.

Hmm, with little tiny baby-sized gifts. Well, I'll be in the tub. By the way, congratulations on your new job, Homer. New job? Marge is pregnant? Noooo!

Stand aside, you degenerate two-bit proprietress. Don't you call me that. I'm an entrepreneuse. Oh, shut up! You're wasting valuable smashing time.

Hey, kids! Take a walk on the wild side! And all the races sing: doo doo-doo shooby dooby-doo doo doo-doo shooby dooby-doo Yeah! Can we go to Duff Gardens this weekend? Sure. Unless another aunt dies. Selma, your date's over already?

Now I must discard my teammates, much like the boxer must shed roll after roll... of sweaty, useless, disgusting flab before he can win the title.

We offered you paradise. You would've experienced emotions a hundred times greater than what you call love... and a thousand times greater than what you call fun. You would've been treated like gods and lived forever in beauty. But now, because of your distrustful nature, that can never be.

Howdily-do-- - Greetings, friend-- - Dang! I told you to unplug the phone. But it could be my mother. Howdy-- Shoot! Greetings, friend-- That is it, Ned. If you don't unplug that phone right now, you're sleeping on the lawn. Will you two shut up? People are trying to sleep!

Ah, Roger Myers wouldn't give me a cent in the '20s. Why would he give me anything now?

And I want everyone in this plant to realize it. I would die a happy man if I could prove to you... that Homer Simpson has the intelligence of a six-year-old. So. How you doin'? Hmm? Oh, here we go.

Do you have anything by Robert Ludlum? Get out.

You didn't say which bed! Go to your bed! Make me! I'll make you! If you want me, you gotta catch me! Almost. Oh, so close. Bart! Son of a--

Should I have my father arrested ? Well, Lisa, on the surface that would appear to be an ideal solution to the problem. But remember the Fifth Commandment: "Honor thy father and thy mother." Hmm, Lisa, I would like to see you set an example... by not watching the offending technology yourself. Thank you, Reverend Lovejoy.

And pointed right towards center field This time I'm hittin' a home run This time love is for real Hey, Dad, can I do a hambone solo?

Get him! Ow! Another tragedy prevented by gun violence! I guess guns really are the answer.

Let's get it on. Now I know how Dean Rusk feels. Good night, everybody.

Hey, I'm a Buddhist! My Satan sense is tingling. Into the root cellar, boys. When can we come out? Maybe never. Yea!

Rustic workmen who have turned the Sanijohn into a smokehouse. Coveralls that don't quite cover all. And a psychotic little boy who will not stop hounding me! This little boy right here! Sometimes I wish this dam would burst... and bury this cursed town.

It's Toys for Guns!

Hurts, don't it? Right. Do you know what a wet willie is? - Is it this? - Hey, baby! How about puttin' your finger in my ear? Well, I don't know. Your boyfriend looks like the jealous type. Hey, what the-- That chick's messin' with our minds. Let's get out of here.

Whoa! Whoa! Ow! Hey, I was watching that. And I was sittin' there. Rex Banner. I'm running this department now. Wiggum, you're out, suspended indefinitely! Huh? Tuck in that shirt! Get those shoes shined! Take that badge out of your mouth! You're police officers.

This isn't funny!

All right. I'll bring in a woman. But I still stand by my hiring policies. Get back to work, Stewart!

Oh, hold on there. Uh, you still have to sign it. Oh. I-- Must... sign... policy! Sir, I'm sorry. We can't insure you. I made an "H." No, that doesn't count. It's like an "X." Hey, we'd better get you to a hospital. - Can I have a free calendar? - Okay.

And the healthy snacks are on their way. You can't take our doughnuts! Yaah! Right. Anyone else want to be a hero? Ooh.

That's what makes it so funny. Pardon me a moment.

And I've gotta de-meat Lisa's bologna.

Honey, I'm home! Hello, dear. How was work at the plant? It's not a plant, Marge, it's a tree. And I've nearly chewed through it. Now, remember, my new boss is coming home for dinner tonight. I know. And I made your favorite-- "stakes!"

If you gain 61 pounds, they'll let you work at home? Yuh-huh. That's the deal. No more exercise program. No more traffic. No more blood drives or charity walks. Dad, I know we don't do a lot together, but helping you gain 61 pounds is something I want to be a part of.

Bart, why are you talking like that? Yeah, and who the hell are you talkin' to? Marge, do you have other men in this house? Radioactive men? I'm practicing my Fallout Boy dialogue.

I can't keep up this pace forever. Hi, I'm Troy McClure. You might remember me from such telethons as... "Out with Gout '88" and "Let's Save Tony Orlando's House." Folks, do you realize without your support, public television can't afford to bring you such award-winning shows as... Edward the Penitent?

How old are you?

First, I hook this common VCR... into the security camera system like so. Then I insert this old videotape of us working... on a continuous loop.

ShAving my shoulders I'm gettin' it all shaved off Homie, someone's at the door.

And when he sees you treating women as objects,

Oh, man, that guy's tough to love.

Rabbi, did not a great man say and I quote, "The jews are a swinging bunch of people. "I mean, I've heard of persecution "but what they went through is ridiculous. "But the great thing is after thousands of years "of holding on and fighting they finally made it." End quote.

And we need young smokers to take their place. I don't wanna be a spokesperson for a cigarette company! But you're a role model to young people.

A little predinner entertainment. Moe's Tavern. Is Oliver there ? Who ? Oliver Klozoff. Hold on. I'll check. Oliver Klozoff ! Call for Oliver Klozoff !

Forty years ago,

No thanks to you, Homer. Why, you little-- Now, Homer, please. The boy's just had a very serious operation. Oh, right.

Krusty! Krusty!

So long, su-- Aah!

Hey, just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand. I'm glad I'm not crying... because I would hate for you to think that what I'm about to say... is based on emotion. But you, sir, Huh ? are a baboon ! Me ?

Homer, I can't tell you that. - Come on. - You'll find out when you die. I can't wait that long. You can't wait six months? No, tell me now. Well, okay. The meaning of life is--

Whee, I'm Dick Tracy! Bam! Take that, Prune Face! Now I'm Prune Face! Take that, Dick Tracy! Now I'm Prune Tracy! Take that, Dick-- Ned, stop it at once! Stop it!

Yoo-hoo! Then you'll be left alone Barbershop? That ain't been popular since aught-six, dag-nab it! What did I tell you? No talking like a grizzled 1890s prospector. Consarn it. Anyway, rock and roll had become stagnant.

Here I've listened to nothing but French for the past...

And just look how happy he is.

Loyal Stonecutters, let us begin our reenactment of the Battle of Gettysburg. Homer, you can't just keep hanging out with these colobus monkeys.

Lisa, come on. Your tomato soup is getting a skin on top. Fine. She doesn't get her skin. Lisa insulted us, Mom. She thinks she is so great. I'll dance on her grave. Bart! What? Oh, napkin. Right.

Slow down, sir. You're going to give yourself skin failure.

Fire! What do I do? What do I do? Oh, the song, the song. When A fire starts to burn there's A lesson you must learn Something something then you'll see you'll avoid catastrophe D'oh!

Wh-o-o-o-a ! Bitchin' ! Hey ! Wha-- Come on, you stupid tube !

Ja. Thank you. Ja. That's nice. Let's say hello to my music guy, Scoey. That is some outfit, Scoey. It makes you look like a homosexual. Oh.

All right, everyone! Disperse immediately! We are prepared to use force! What? What? We're not prepared, Eddie? - Get 'em! - Uh-oh. Someone call 911! Oh, they never come. Thus ends the rule of law.

Sweetheart, what's the matter? Not getting enough of the good stuff? D'oh!

our leader will throw open the doors of the forbidden barn, where we will all board our intergalactic vehicle-- rows one through 30 first. Upon our arrival, we will begin our new, perfect lives on Blisstonia, well-known for its high levels of bliss. I don't know about you, but they're not exactly winning me over...

(ALL SCREAM) (STUTTERS) Yes, Superintendent Chalmers? Do you know what today is? Today? Yes, of course I do! Happy birthday to you, happy... It not my birthday, Seymour. You know I'm a Sagittarius. Really? I'm a Libra. There's a lot of compatibility there.

That's wonderful is what I feel when we're together Brighter than a lucky penny when you're near The rain clouds disappear dear and I feel so fine

Ahh. Ah-- Oh, my God. I gotta do something! Come on, transmit. Transmit!

D'oh! Come on! Come on! Come on, Maggie. You can trust me. Come to Daddy! Come to Daddy. Come to Daddy!

Now why does that only happen when nobody's looking? Pull over! There's no good place! There's lots of good places! What about over there? No shade!

I, for one, would like to see the cafeteria menus in advance... so parents can adjust their dinner menus accordingly. I don't like the idea of Milhouse having two spaghetti meals in one day.

There's nothing like an unfurnished basement for pure comfort.

I hope you're someplace warm. You bet your sweet...

You're goin' down, Homer. I'm gonna fool you. You talk better than you fool. I'll fool you up real nice. You couldn't fool your mother on the foolingest day of your life... if you had an electrified fooling machine.

I gotta get back to bed. What happened? Where's Christmas? Lisa, where's Christmas? Bart, what were you doing outside?

You, sir, are a moron! A Mormon? But I'm from earth! Oh, for heaven sakes! Your majesty, can I go home now? Your company's crimes have left a scar on this great nation. And she was so beautiful. But what man would want her now? MAN: I wouldn't want her... KRUSTY: Yeah, she was hot.

Benedict Arnold. The same Benedict Arnold who plotted to surrender West Point to the hated British? D'oh! I am a-so glad I had a chance to meet you... before we did this, Krusty, because I am a great a-fan.

"Stir in two cups of checks. Sprinkle liberally with balances." "Ding, dong. The sounds of the Liberty Bell. Ding-- freedom. Dong-- opportunity. Ding-- excellent schools. Dong-- quality hospitals."

Let us kill the English. Their concept of individual rights... could undermine the power of our beloved tyrants. Yea!

Here's Lisa today. Without treatment, here's what she'll look like at age 11, age 14, age 17... and, finally, age 18.

Beep, beep. Clear the couch. It's Krusty time.

Lionel Hats, court-appointed attorney. I'll be defending you on the charge of... murder one! Wow. Even if I lose, I'll be famous.

Somebody check the men's room for a huge ass. I'm Hugh jazz. Telephone. This is Hugh jazz.

Hockey Dad rules! Feel the drunken wrath of Chuck Shadowski! Dad, stop! It's only assault. Don't make it murder! Ignore. Ignore. ANNOUNCER: You are a big man. Big man!

Ooh ! Gorilla the Conqueror. The granddaddy of them all. Oh, well, maybe just one more hour. It's so unfair. just because he's different.

Let's go worship somebody who has the guts to be a celebrity. Yeah. Krusty doesn't want to be a clown. He's happy just being another blue-collar bozo. Meh!

Well, I also have a song to sing. Don't make up your mind until you hear both songs. Morals and ethics and carnal forbearance--

You heard the monkey. Make the trade. For automated stock prices, please state the company name. Animotion. Animotion, up one and one-half.

Nobody knows. It's a secret. I didn't get my bonus this year. But to keep the family from missing out on Christmas, I'd do anything. I'll say, Dad. You must really love us to sink so low. Now, let's not get mushy, son. I still have a job to do.

Cool! High-tech security system.

Don't judge her too harshly, Sergeant. She was a lonely old woman. If you must blame someone, blame me. That's pretty much what I was planning to do there, Armin. Well, that's about it. And so, for the past 26 years, I've dedicated myself to living out your dream.

I give you the former poet laureate of the United States, Mr. Robert Pinsky. Tonight I'll be reading from a copy of my book I just checked out at Atherton Library!

Open wide for some soccer!

Well, I'd rather they say "Death From Above," but I guess we're stuck.

Give me the bear.

Of course I don't believe it... (SCREAMS) Hi, Lisa. I brought you the Cap City version of Monopoly. Baltic Avenue is now Wayne Street. It's awesome!

What the hell is that?

Isometric exercise. Care to join me? Why is there smoke coming out of your oven, Seymour? Uh-- Oh. That isn't smoke. It's steam. Steam from the steamed clams we're having. Mmm. Steamed clams. Whew.

Double dang! Aw, donkey butter! Oh, it's no use. I got an idea.

Will soon be turning Red

Now wait a minute, Moe.

Maybe it's just shampoo. That washes right out. No. It's somebody's gross gum! Get it out! Ow!

Thanks, Flanders. I have to agree that everything certainly-- Huh?

Oh, there's so much I don't know about astrophysics. I wish I read that book by that wheelchair guy.

Oh, it's too late. I don't have the cash to clean up the bar. From now on, you guys are just gonna have to do your drinking across the street. (CAN'T GET YOU OUT OF MY HEAD PLAYING) I just can't get you out of my head Hey, a beer's a beer. Mmm! Oh, I can't go to a gay bar. I'm too fat.

Stop saying "hello"! Okay, calm down, Lisa. D.M.Y. What's D.M.Y.? "Don't mess yourself." Ew! Yeah. That's why we changed it to D.M.Y. Don't worry, Lisa. There's still plenty of time. You'll get a date. I don't want a date! And I don't wanna wear perfume and cocktail dresses!

Well, dish! Groundskeeper Willie-- You know, the guy in the skirt? He bought himself a mail-order bride. But he's too cheap to pay the C.O.D., right? So she's still in a crate down at the post office. You wanna go have a look-see? Ooh, this sounds juicy. Hmm.

But it looks like you might have a little competition all of a sudden. Thanks, everybody. But I couldn't have done all this... without the help of my brainy sister, Eliza. I, too, owe many thanks to Lester and Eliza.

Ooh! Ooh! Here's my commercial! A monster! Is this you? If it is, don't dial 911. Simply dial... 636-555-3472.

Dibs. First dibs. I get to lick the beaters. Ow ! Ow ! Ow ! Litha, my "ongue" is "uck" in the "eaters." My "ongue" !

Take me bridle and lash his hands to the seat! Would you like another lick of my flavor wax? Uh, sure. Well, now that we're friends, Uter, how 'bout loosening these straps, huh?

Are you a Care Bear? I'm an Intensive Care Bear. Why does a bear need a crowbar? I don't like to get my hands dirty. (FESTIVE MUSIC PLAYING) Ahhh!

Don't mind if I do!

I'll take this Communist one too.

I don't feel right. Do you hear that, Bart?

Wow, Dad. How did you do that? It's a flower. Are we insane yet? Are we insane yet? Are we insane yet? I told you, yes. Now-- Bart, go to the top of that hill and see if you can spot our hotel. Mt. Kilimanjaro? Go! Okay.

We got a new song called "Tighten Up," and this is the music you tighten up with. Hey, whatsa matter, you? You crazy kid, you chasing away my business.

I remember you from high school. You barfed in my tuba. I believe it was the school's tuba. (MUNCHING) Chloe, these kebabs you made are as good or better than anything I've ever had at this table.

Well, I'll be in the tub. By the way, congratulations on your new job, Homer. New job? Marge is pregnant? Noooo!

Kids, Itchy and Scratchy can't be here today. But instead, we've got the next best thing. It's The Stingy and Battery Show! They bite and light and bite and light and bite You know what I'm talking about. Uh-oh. You can't kill Krusty. He made you what you are.

Oh, thank you, God. And thank you, Port-a-john. You really saved my-- Who's out there? Oh, I'm gonna die! jesus, Allah, Buddha, I love you all! Nice rhino.

Ah, who needs him? I can have fun all by myself. - S'all right? - S'all right. - S'all right? - S'all right. - S'all right? - S'all right. Sure. I can loan you all the money you need. However, since you have no collateral, I'm gonna have to break your legs in advance.

this reporter found it impossible to stop talking. It's just really fascinating news, folks. Good night. Oh, and the president was arrested for murder. More on that tomorrow night. Or you can turn to another channel. Oh. Do not turn to another channel.

I wiped a booger on your shirt. I made a dog and a cat kiss. I swiped a bolted down TV from a Holiday Inn, I coveted the wife in Jaws 2, I lied to a waiter, I masturbated eight billion times, and I have no plans to stop masturbating in the future. Whoo-hoo! I'm clean! In your face, Lord!

A monster! Is this you? If it is, don't dial 911. Simply dial... 636-555-3472.

They made an elephant! It's hauntingly beautiful, isn't it?

Ralph. "A." Janey. "A." And, Lisa, for your-- essay, "jebediah Springfield: Super-Fraud," "F." But it's all true. This is nothing but... dead-white-male bashing from a P.C. thug. It's women like you who keep the rest of us from landing a husband.

The firing pin in your gun was made of... yup... zinc. Come back, zinc. Come back.

"And finally, make sure the net is tight and springy." Hmm. That seems about right. You know, a tennis court can really make your house look classy. I hear Mel Brooks has one.

when you hear the extended salsa mix. Watch it, Mister Byrne. You'll slip on the Simonize. Simonize? Whoa. Whoa!

Your family is better than my family ! Your beer comes from farther away than my beer ! You and your son like each other ! Your wife's butt is higher than my wife's butt ! You make me sick !

Hello ? Simpson, this is Sylvia Winfield. That canine of yours is in my pool again. I'm calling the dog warden right now ! Oh, are you ? Well, you go ahead... and call your precious dog warden, you old battle axe, because my dog is tied up in the backyard. There's only one family on this block--

Okay, don't panic. Remember what the instructor said. If you ever get into trouble, all you need to do is-- Feels like I'm wearing nothin' at all. Nothin' at all. Nothin' at all. Stupid sexy Flanders! Ow! My leg! This is the worst pain ever!

So forceful and raw. It didn't ask. It just took. Canyonero Hyah! oh canyonero Oh, Canyonero.