comb.io - Clips

That's right. I did the Iggy.

Pull yourself together, man. I daresay you're in need of a long vacation. No! Don't make me take a vacation. Without you, I'll wither and die! That's a risk I'm willing to take. What would you do without me? I'm not a baby who needs a nursemaid to burp me. You see?

Look! It's the Incredible Hulk! He can't be the Hulk. I'm the Hulk. Oh, please. You couldn't even change into Bill Bixby.

This is Agent Johnson from the F.B.I. Be on the lookout for a 1936 maroon Stutz Bearcat. Uh, that really was more of a burgundy.

We love you! Uh, please don't hug me. It sickens me.

Oh, this sucks. Weren't there three Indians last year?

Okay, we've got the secret vigilante handshake. Now we need code names. I'll be Cue Ball, Skinner can be Eight Ball, Barney will be Twelve Ball, and, Moe, you can be Cue Ball. You're an idiot.

Last week on PII, our billionaire bachelor gave five lovely ladies a rose of continuation. And he hurled a rock of rejection at anyone displaying intelligence, character, or ethnicity. (GRUNTS) Tonight, we reveal a shocking secret.

Kids, meet your new foster family. We love you! Uh, please don't hug me. It sickens me.

Stop ! Don't you see what's happening here ? They're fattening us up so they can eat us ! Come on, Lisa.

Really? You like it? Oh, I'd love to wear this someplace special.

We love to sweat and we love to sing We're real funky but not threatening We're the best band in the world But we'd give it all up for that special girl You're my special girl

Oh, memories! If this old place could talk. It'd say--

Oh, boy. Let's get out of here before Dad does a bad impression of Mom. HOMER: (MOCKING) Ooh! I'm Marge Simpson. Don't eat off the floor. Ooh! MARGE: I am so sick of that story about finding an onion ring in your French fries. It was 20 years ago. HOMER: That was my Woodstock!

Dear Lord! That's the loudest profanity I've ever heard.

Don't ask me. I'm just a girl!

He smells evil. Should we tell Daddy? No, let's poke him a little while longer. Hey, get away from him, you little freaks. Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry.

Wait. Frank Grimes wasnt married. How could he have a son? He happened to like hookers, okay?

Springfield sent for the one man who could clean up the town and shoot the gangsters-- Rex Banner.

Disco Stu got hooked on the white stuff back in the '70s. More, more, more How do you like it How do you like it More, more, more How do you like it How do you like it

Oh, man! Oh! Don't worry, kids. This is a national park. We can have lots of fun. I'm afraid that's no longer true, ma'am. Budget cutbacks have forced us to eliminate anything the least bit entertaining.

the do's and do-not-do's of foundation repair. Ready? Ready! First, patch the cracks in the slab using a latex patching compound and a patching trowel. Hand me my patching trowel, boy. Hmm. Now, do you have extruded polyvinyl foam insulation?

The elderly aren't like you or me, Bart. They thrive on consistency, predictability... and a life with no surprises. Sounds good to me.

Who cares? Anyway, it all happened during that magical summer of 1985. A maturing joe Piscopo left Saturday Night Live to conquer Hollywood. People Express introduced a generation of hicks to plane travel. And I was in a barbershop quartet.

Bart, would you like to say grace ? Dear God, we pay for all this stuff ourselves, so thanks for nothing. Only an innocent child could get away with such blasphemy. God bless them all. Amen. He's smoking. He's smoking.

Hello, everybody. I'm Troy McClure, star of such films as "P" is For Psycho... and The President's Neck Is Missing.

Remove the Stone of Shame. Whoo-hoo! Attach the Stone of Triumph.

Wish I was deaf. What am I going to say? This is the guy who ruined me. But on the other hand, he's family. So many conflicting emotions. How to express them? Herb?

I like Little Dot. Could you rip that off? I mean, who's gonna know? I'd know, Mom! Mmm. That little girl sure loved dots.

Ow! Those gears down there really hurt.

Apu? Never heard of him. My name is Steve Barnes. (JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING) So, when do they start singing? Well, the Playdude Advisor says this music will get a stewardess to give you a layover. I hope it's in Omaha. My grammy lives there.

Wow! This plankton's only 33 cents. According to the Mexican Council of Food, this expired two years ago. Sure, by their standards, but we live in America.

You could close down moe's or the kwik-e-mart and nobody would care but the heart and soul

So, how was it ?

I can hit that one pin all right, but the rest of them don't even wobble. I can help you, Marge. Pick up the ball. Pick up Homer. Pick him up. Oh !

I gave him a couple of blintzes to paint my fence, but he never did it! Those blintzes were terrible. Paint my fence! Make me. You give me back those blintzes then! Order! Order! We don't care about your blintzes.

I really just came home to change into a turtleneck. Seymour, sit! In the morning. Oh, Mom, I'm borrowing your car.

and show the world overweight people aren't undisciplined, lazy and irresponsible. What happened to my bird? Oh! Marge? Lisa? Flanders?

Well, Seymour, I made it-- despite your directions. Ah. Superintendent Chalmers. Welcome. I hope you're prepared for an unforgettable luncheon. Yeah.

Howdy, stranger ! I'm Bart Simpson. Who the hell are you ? Ah. Please allow me to introduce myself. I'm the devil ! And you've earned eternal damnation for your lifetime of evil deeds, Bart.

Yes. This is Homer Simpson from America. Who may I say is speaking to me?

Oh, General Gao, you were a bloodthirsty fool,

Now you listen to me. I don't like you. I never liked you. And the only reason I gave you that stupid Valentine... is 'cause nobody else would! Watch this, Lise. You can actually pinpoint the second when his heart rips in half. And... now.

it's just an extra $7,830. G.M. Chrysler! I can't afford that! But I can't close the school a day early just to suit my vacation. Or can I? Think, Seymour, think. "Go To Work With Your Parents Day"? Yes, Go To Work With Your Parents Day.

I'm not just a one-line wonder. Did you know... that a section of rain forest the size of Kansas is burned every single-- just do the line.

Well, at least you got the gum. Oww! I cut my cheek!

Hi there. Hello. I'm Dean Peterson, but you can call me Bobby. I just want you to know, if you ever feel stressed out from studying or whatever, I'm always up for some Hacky Sack. Or if you just want to come by and jam, I used to be the bass player for the Pretenders. Boy, I can't wait to take some of the starch out of that stuffed shirt.

Wow! Mister Flanders is really into the Beatles.

Going bowling. Not back, avenge deaths. Why do you have so many bowling balls? Oh! I'm not gonna lie to you, Marge. So long!

Oh! A lima bean that looks just like the Leader! I'll put it with the others. Homer, you know I always try to put the best face on everything, but there's no face on that damn bean!

Oh, come on, Luann. You know what this is. Kirk, I don't know what it is. Oy! It could not be more simple, Luann. Do you want me to show this to the cat and have the cat tell you what it is? 'Cause the cat's gonna get it. I'm sorry. I'm not as smart as you, Kirk. We didn't all go to Gudger College.

What do I do? What do I do? If you want to go right move the joy stick left. Yes. Move the... What's a joy stick? Oh, oh! Here comes a Xylon cruiser! Go into hyperspace! Wait! Where's the hyperspace?

Okay, guys. We push him out of the way in exactly three seconds. Should we correct for wind resistance? Hmm, possibly. What do you think? Oh, my.

vanilla, chocolate and strawberry ice cream.

Why you little-- Why you big-- Bart, go to your room. I'm out of here. Look, Marge, honey, baby, doll, I-- Homer, I don't even want to look at you right now. What are you saying, honey ?

because teacher has a hangover.

I didn't do it. Oh, that's right.

Uh, what do you like, Lisa? "Viomalin"? "Tubamaba"?

Moe, this is Astrid, my dealer.

"And the ugly duckling was amazed to realize it had grown into a beautiful swan." So you see, children, there is hope for anyone. Even me? No.

I like to walk down the avenue Bust a move with Disco Stu You shake me from my booty to my fro Yes, I strut down the boulevard Burning off my excess lard

Great Barrier Reef, we're under attack! Eat slaw, Skinner! We're slawin' him up good! Nelson doesn't know what he's missing. Why's he wasting his time with that Simpson chick?

Oh, uh, I'm sorry. Are you planning to stay the whole night? Yes! All right. Vote Quimby.

Seven, six-- five, four, three, two, one--

those mission bells told me that I must not stray South of the border down mexico way OlÉ!

And he taught me how to play the shehnai. That's even worse than the album Grampa released. And he taught me how to do this.

The Burmese melon fly has over 1,000 sex partners...

Oh, Seymour. And I'm not Seymour. My name is Armin. This is Armin's apartment, Armin's liquor, Armin's copy of Swank, Armin's frozen peas. Can I see your copy of Swank, Armin? Yes, you can. This is Armin's life. Maybe it's not perfect, but at least I'm back where I belong.

What's wrong with this thing?

My dream has been shattered into shards of a broken dream.

It's coming from that island. Let's steer heedlessly towards it. Heedlessly it is. The feta is cheesy The sirens are easy Boy, if they kiss as good as they lure-- wow!

Stupid carbon rod.

Uh, hold on a minute. Let me have a look at that wheelbarrow, please. Okay. just as I thought! It's a Yard King! That is a quality barrow. Well, I gotta run.

- Eat my shorts. - Pardon ?

Tubby? Oh, yes, tubby.

"Helms calls for doughnut tax." There. Done and done.

Hmm ? Uh... no. Too salty. Um... nah. Hmm ? Nah, too corny. Too exciting.

Roll your eyes back into your head... focusing on your breathing. You should feel a pleasant tingling. Ooh, I do! I do! Now get down on all fours with your rear in the air. What position is this? The American Taxpayer.

What ? Why ? Oh, yeah. Hello, Patty. Hello, Selma. - How was your trip ? - Fine. You both look well. Thank you. - Yeah, well, Merry Christmas. - It's Christmas ? You wouldn't know it around here. And why is that ?

And of course in Canada, the whole thing's flip-flopped. Oh, my! I better get you some cider.

"Best before November 1959." Damn it, Bob! There were plenty of brand-new bombs. But you had to go for that retro '50s charm.

Now behind that door is Edison's actual preserved brain. Ordinarily, folks, tour groups are not allowed to see it, and, of course, today will be no exception.

I'm Mr. Burns. Blah, blah, blah. Do this, do that. Blah, blah, blah. I think I'm so big. Blah, blah, blah! Destroy him. Blah, blah, blah. Look at me-- Ow!

Hamburger earmuffs! Uh, well, I suppose that would qualify-- Thanks, sucker! All right. just stay calm, Frinky. These babies will be in the stores... while he's still grappling with the pickle matrix.

Oh, please stop. I'm just getting started. Ohh!

Pokémon? Pokémon? Shh. With the pokey and the man... and the--

I don't know. Disgruntled Goat had his moments. Hah!

Ow! I don't understand why we have to build a ray gun to aim at a planet I never even heard of.

It's gaining on us! I'm pedaling backwards. Abandon ship!

Yeah! Heard it old school! No-o-o! Bart was so cool. - Little short. He's about this tall. - Don't print that. Word. It just sounds like something I would say.

Yeah, well, you don't. Lousy big shot. Thinks he's so big 'cause he's got a lot of guns. If he didn't have any guns, I'd show him a thing or two. What happens when he walks into my store? Then we'll see who's worried about five-day waiting periods. Dad, it's 3:00 a.m.! Can't you mutter in your room?

Oh, no. What if they botch it? I won't have a dad... for a while.

I felt like I was king of the world. I'm king of the world! Whoo-hoo! Whoo-hoo! Right about here I realize something's wrong. Yep. There I go. Then came the rocks-- jagged rocks, hitting me with their jags. The sequence became an instant comedy classic.

You're out there somewhere, Beer Baron, and I'll find you.

I'll call. Three nines. Oh! I almost had a straight! Come to new papa. Hey, what's the deal? We just spliced in some home movies. What do you think? Well, I'd rather reserve judgment until I-- Oh, my God!

If you should die before you wake-- Can't sleep. Clown'll eat me. Can't sleep. Clown'll eat me.

You made her cry. Then I cried. Then Maggie laughed. She's such a little trouper.

The sum of the square roots of any two sides of an isosceles triangle... is equal to the square root of the remaining side. - That's a right triangle, ya idiot! - D'oh!

Bart. You're up early. I couldn't sleep. What's wrong? There was no burglar.

Dental plan! Lisa needs braces. Dental plan! Lisa needs braces. Bull's-eye! Thanks a lot, Carl. Now I've lost my train of thought. Dental plan! Lisa needs braces. Dental plan! Lisa needs braces.

This scene is gettin' old, man. I'm hittin' the road. Maybe I'll drop you a line someday from wherever I wind up in this crazy old world.

I am waiting for a-- Whoa! Ooh! Aah! I didn't do it.

Hmm. The TV changes channels - every time the dog barks. (BARKS) ANNOUNCER: We return to Mel Gibson's The Salad of the Christ on Christian Carrot Theater.

- Smithers, tip over this table for me. - Yes, sir. Homer. Homer. Make them stop. Uh, Mr. Burns. Mr. Burns. Shut up and wreck something.

Oh, shush yourself. English - US - Line 21

and all the other piddly crap I wouldn't touch with a 10-foot clown pole.

Nothing a month ? Yeah, I think we can swing that.

Shh! Oh, boy! Buffalo testicles!

Homer, you moron. Homer, you genius! Geronimo!

Homer, maybe you better take Milhouse home.

Now, are there any questions? Keeping in mind that I already explained about my hair. Oh, yeah, that's right. The Simpsons.

- Hey! Who likes short shorts? - We like short shorts! who wearS short shorts we Wear short shortS they're such short shorts we like short shorts

What the hell is that? A lawn mower?

I dance, I dance, I dance Around the Mexican hat I dance, I dance, I dance And that's the end of that Or is it I guess I'll keep singing My cell phone appears to be ringing Hey!

Finally, a circus full of whimsy and wonder. Oh, yeah. That's way better than fun and excitement. As French Canadians, they don't believe in refunds... or exploiting animals for entertainment. Oh! I wanted to see 'em fire a gorilla out of a cannon.

Oh, you'll find this amusing-- - the suit Charlie Chaplin was buried in. - Eww! Here's a scoop for your readers-- the Hall of Patriots.

Huh. Women always have trouble with the wall. They never seem to find the door.

Is he the leader? Of this chapter. There are chapters all over the world. And it has been foretold that someday a Chosen One will-- Okay, okay. I didn't ask for your life story.

just taking care of business. If you don't, who will, huh? Trent Steel. Homer Simp-- Uh, Max Power. Ooh, hey! Great name! Yeah, isn't it? I got it off a hair dryer.

You've really done it this time, Bart! You're in for the punishment of a lifetime! When do you expect the ringing will stop? In about 10 to 15 seconds! I certainly hope so! That's better.

Thank goodness. Another day in this suburban nightmare and I would've needed half a Valium.

I think I'm gonna call him Stampy.

I've added an extra ingredient just for you. The merciless peppers of Quetzlzacatenango! Grown deep in the jungle primeval... by the inmates of a Guatemalan insane asylum.

(CHUCKLING) Wrong again, liberal media.

D'oh! Oh, my God! A guy's on the floor!

sponsored by Buzz Cola with lemon.

Hmm, yeah. Excuse me. I ordered a Zima, not "emphysema." Please, don't smoke in our restaurant. We don't serve contemporary California cuisine in your lungs.

from the early 1950s. Only Duff fills your "Q" zone... with pure beer goodness. So drink up... and up... and up!

It's the Krusty Burglar! Oh, my God! He's stealing all the burgers! Why, you little-- I got you! Ho-- Homer, it's-- it's all just an act.

Change the channel, Marge. That's our Homer.

You think your dirty socks can stop me? Well, they are making me dizzy.

Little Lisa. Little Marge. And the rest! Oh, I've lost everything! I can't go on! No. No, no!

Mom's police tape isn't a toy, Dad. Shush, dear. You'll wreck Daddy's fun. Bringing in the sheaves Bringing in the Oh, my Lord. Something horrible has happened!

No! Stop! I left my gun on the seat! Hey!

Hey, mouse. Say "Cheese." With a dry, cool wit like that, I could be an action hero.

Marge, I swear I didn't touch her. You know how bashful I am. I can't even say the word "titmouse"... without giggling like a schoolgirl.

By which I mean Flanders.

Um, does your plant have a recycling program? Re-cy-cling? I'm afraid I'm not familiar with that term, you adorable little ragamuffin.

Homer, would you like some more macaroni and cheese ? Yeah, a million dollars worth, you treacherous snake woman. No, thank you. Some string beans ? No, I don't want any string beans either, you two-timing, backstabbing-- Uh-oh. Better answer. No, thank you. Some celery with cream cheese on it ? just mouth polite nothings. No, thank you.

When Radioactive Man got injected with shrinking serum in issue 234, how come his costume shrinks too ? I am sure I don't know, but I did just finish... playing Rum Tum Tugger in the second national touring company of Cats. Anybody see it ? Oh-Oh-Oh-Oh ! Over here ! Fallout Boy ! Oh, me, me ! Yes, you, the masked boy. Do you think the ghost of Dirk Richter...

Oh! You can stay, but I'm leaving.

That's the worst name I ever heard. Bye, joey jo-jo! Oh, what the hell? It's me. I'm attracted to another woman. What am I going to do? Your infatuation is based on a physical attraction. Talk to the woman and you'll realize you have nothing in common.

And besides, if it's secret, it's even more exciting.

It's a pipe bomb, Jobriath, for to blow up Planned Parenthood. I don't know, Gravey. I'm sick of your lack of faith. Hmm? But, Gravey-- Yea!

Superintendent, I was just-- uh, just stretching my calves on the windowsill. Isometric exercise. Care to join me? Why is there smoke coming out of your oven, Seymour? Uh-- Oh. That isn't smoke. It's steam. Steam from the steamed clams we're having. Mmm. Steamed clams.

I'm ever so pissed.

Shut up ! Shut up !

What the hell are you smiling at?

Kids, would you step outside for a second? F-- Dear Lord! That's the loudest profanity I've ever heard.

Yea! Shut up, liver!

Ow! Ow! Take it out! Take it out! No! Ooh! Put it back! Put it back! That was a close one. Wanna go bowling? Maybe you should see a doctor about that coin in your brain. Maybe you should mind your own business. Afternoon, miss. Oh!

Is that my good butter? Can't discuss that now, Marge. I have to write another delicious memo. Mmm. Memo.

Usury? Silly me. I made up a word that doesn't exist. What is the purpose of this loan? I want to buy a pony. Isn't that cute? He's planning on joining the horsey set. That is it, isn't it? You're not planning to eat it?

So, what prize did you end up getting? Mustache comb. What'd you get? Fake mustache. Wanna comb it? This sucks. Time to punch out of this yawn factory. I'm going to Nelson's.

(GRUNTS) You broke our deal! We had an oral contract!

Well, that's some nice glowering, Mr. "B." We'd met the enemy, and it was Montgomery Burns. Drastic action had to be taken to stop his war machine.

I'll stop buying Malibu Stacy clothing. And I'll take up smoking, and give that up. Good for you, Son. Giving up smoking is one of the hardest things you'll ever have to do. - Have a dollar. - But he didn't do anything. Didn't he, Lisa? Didn't he? - Hey, wait a minute. He didn't. - Homie, please.

Paul was just as lonely as a man could get So he took out his ax and he carved himself a pet And now-- Oh, boy. I wish you were real.

Huh? What the-- Hello! Is there anybody in there? Marge!

But surely I and my $600... could play some small part in your vacation fun. Oh, yeah, right. Like there's any way to get some kicks with a big wad of cash and a license to drive-- Wow!

Hey. Disco Stu doesn't advertise.

I want to stay, but as the real me, not as some yahoo from Green Bay.

All this does is shoot bubbles. Silly String! Kids, I'll go find your mother. Dad, we're canceling the rest ofthe play. What play? What the hell is he talking about? Marge? I'm gonna sleep down here tonight.

J Oh, yeah, Weird A/ had fan on this showJ J Even if it was just a brief cameo JJ English - US - SDH

I guess everyone has a different vision for the perfect world. Wow, Mom, that's very profound. Hey, you read that off my screen.

Hey, kid, stop wearin' your backpack over one shoulder. We invented that. Copycats! You copied us! Step over this line and say that! I'll kick your butt... at Nintendo.

I think she's trying to tell us something. Go on, Maggie. Go on, Maggie. Go! Go! There's no perfect crime. Ohh!

Dad, knocking over a gravestone is bad luck. Really? I heard good.

Oh, bitch, bitch, bitch!

- Kids can be so cruel. - But it's true. They didn't write their own songs or play their own instruments. The Monkees weren't about music, Marge.

Who? Who? Who? Who? Who? Who wants their hair cut? Who? Who? Who? Which side do you want your part on? Left! Right! Stab! Stab! Stab! You're the boss. BART: What the hell? Whoa!

when the bough breaks the cradle Will fall and down Will come baby cradle and all Sweet dreams.

Look, janey. Cupcakes. Ah, give me that ! Hey, give those back ! Hey, what's the big idea ? That's my sister, man. So what ? So give her back those cupcakes before I knock your block off. Don't, Bart ! He's a friend of Nelson Muntz !

Hi, I'm Troy McClure. You might remember me from such telethons as... "Out with Gout '88" and "Let's Save Tony Orlando's House."

Dear Bart, Your friendship during this difficult time will not be forgotten. However, I've decided to return to the only thing besides school... that has ever given my life meaning-- I've reenlisted in the United States Army. Sincerely, Sergeant Seymour Skinner.

She's murdered her brother! - And she's trying to dump the body in a harbor! - Well, duh! And as a griM finale, she intends to drown that poor caged baby! Oh, what's happening? Where am I? And she's on drugs! Give me the drugs, Lisa. Dad, I'm not on drugs! I was just trying--

Hey, Mr. Showmanship, the owner wants to see you in his office right now. I'm sorry, young man. You're just not ready. Pick up your check at the front office, and for God's sake, put some clothes on !

Not just the McBain movie, but maybe my own fragrance-- "Smellin' of Troy"!

And our new number one hit "I Do Believe We're Naked"

We've got all your favorite characters, Itchy, Scratchy, Poochie, Austin Powers Itchy, Itchy Poochie, Scratchbob Itchpants, Confederate Itchy and Osama Bin Scratchy. (IMPRESSED MURMURS) That sucked. Well, at least I've still got my health...

My teacher's a nightmare. Three kids got sick from inhaling his ointment fumes, he confiscated everything made of tin, and then he sent us home early because he got his beard... caught in the pencil sharpener.

Attention, wireless listeners. Most of the sounds you are now hearing are not being made by me. Oh, stop! Stop! Won't someone please stop the farting? Aah! Don't worry, folks. He's not dead. I still hear some faint sounds of life. That didn't go well, did it?

No, no. Now, wait a minute. Wait ! Wait ! Folks, if I could-- This is not the way to get healthy !

I think I'm going to be sick.

Well, the world is safe again, but for how long ?

Oh, can't you see this man isn't a hero? He's annoying. He's very, very annoying!

Is this the untimely end of Milhouse? But Milhouse is my name. But I thought I was the only one. A pain I know all too well. So this is what it feels like when doves cry.

Spritzer-- Oh, my goodness, Homer.

Ralph, you'll be on special teams. I'm special.

Take that, vile fiend! Uh, Dad, that's his crotch. Oh, sorry. No!

Now, don't worry. I'm not a stabbin' hobo. I'm a singin' hobo. Nothin' beats the hobo life Stabbin' folks with my hobo knife I gouge them-- Excuse me, Hobo.

Thank you, Mr. President. No. Thank you, Lisa, for teaching kids everywhere a valuable lesson. If things don't go your way, just keep complaining until your dreams come true. That's a pretty lousy lesson. Hey, I'm a pretty lousy president.

Money can't buy me love Ow! Today's grass is far sharper than the grass in my day. Hey, everybody! How'd you like to go on a real boat trip?

I have an idea. What? What's your idea? When my father was first trying to catch my mother's eye, he sent her a box of candy with his photo in it. After that, she never forgot him. That's all well and good, but it's not really your idea, is it now, Marge?

No, she won't. When it comes to compliments, women are ravenous, bloodsucking monsters... always wanting more, more, more! And if you give it to 'em, you'll get plenty back in return. Like what? I'll tell you when you're older.

My. She seems too good to be true. I'll say. Her butt waxed the bannister. Ooh! I can see myself. All right, children. Let's clean up this room.

Bad posture has floobled and snozzled your neck. I'll stop talking like this if you write me a check. Ooh! These turtles know just where the knots are.

That's it. He's out of here.

Is there anything you're not telling us ? No. Every other student in the class has shown at least some form of improvement. And yet, you continue to struggle. Why is that ? I don't know. But look at these results. Fifty-five, forty-two, twenty-six. A 12 on state capitals ? Okay, okay. Why are we dancing around the obvious ? I know it, you know it.

w'w'f TV Theme: King ofthe Hilly Ah, that was boring. Let's get a hotel.

Dad, that's the Old Spice song. It is? Well, that's a good song too. Run!

Broke, or made it better?

Dear Life in These United States, A funny thing happened to me-- Eh, oh! Use a pen, Sideshow Bob.

A snake in the cash register!

Your Honor, we find that Homer Simpson's soul... is legally the property of Marge Simpson, and not of the devil. - Ohh. - Yea! Whoo-hoo! Ow! Well, I didn't win. Here's your pizza. But we did win. That's okay. The box is empty.

We, uh-- We called that "the stinger." They don't let you use that no more.

Never have I heard such gratuitous use of the word "butt"! But-- But-- But-- But-- But-- But-- Make him stop! Make him stop!

It's for the woman who only has four-fifths of a second to get ready. Close your eyes, Marge. And now you're ready for a night on the town. Homer, you've got it set on "whore." Uh, OOP-- Okay.

And now, it's time for Match Game 2034, with Billy Crystal, Hey! Farrah Fawcett-Majors- O'Neal-Varney, the "I didn't do it" boy, ventriloquist loni Anderson, Ooh! Spike Lee,

Wow. How do you come up with such witty remarks? Well-- Come on, come on. Hurry up. "I guess you could say it's my racket." I guess you could say I'm Iraqi. Get off my property.

I hate America! Lieutenant! Lieutenant Smash! Huh? Oh, Admiral. Hup! The hippie fantasy again? They're getting less frequent, sir. Excellent.

But my IQ is only 159. Maggie's more intelligent than me? That's right, because 167 is a bigger number than 159. Do you see how that works? Yes, thank you. So our kids keep getting smarter.

Every Simpson, dance now Bump, bump, bump, bump bump, bump I'll go.

Come on, elephant! Stop! Hey, everybody's upside-down. Look at that. Well.

Homer, didn't john seem a little... festive to you? Couldn't agree more. Happy as a clam. He prefers the company of men. Who doesn't? Homer, listen carefully. john is a homo-- - Right. - sexual.

After them, men, into the temporarily dry sea. Aw, nuts.

All that slime made this boar extra tender. More snout anyone? Mmm! Mmm! How's your dinner, Lise?

Let's get out of here. Na na nah nah Na na nah nah Wa-a-ave Good-bye What good is money if you can't inspire terror in your fellow man? I've got to get my plant back.

Ooh, I would live in a big mansion? I'm so happy, darling. I as well. Are you happy, jeeves? Yes, sir. Quite. Then we're all happy. Let's get out of here.

Mom, I'm gonna tighten Milhouse's straps. He's fidgeting again. Ow!

Lemonade ? Please. I made it just for you. You are my best friend.

Oh, you want me to climb that, huh? No problemo. This is 'cause I kicked you, isn't it?

Amen, sir. Mmm! Uh, we'll try this again tomorrow. Ah, he's all right. But he's no bowl of Special "K."

A-A-A batch of your wife's delicious blueberry muffins... against O-one of my wife's homemade wind chimes. What, are you afraid to make a real bet ? No, I just--

Bye, witches. Thanks for not eating me.

Darryl. Darryl. - Darryl. - Darryl. Children, that's not very nice. Mom, they're professional athletes. They're used to this. It rolls right off their backs.

Oh, my God. I don't know jack about my boy. I'm a bad father. You're also fat. I'm also fat!

Take my wallet and leave me alone!

You'll get your pancakes in the mail. And then they gave me back my $500 investment... and kicked me out of the club. Wait, wait, wait. Back up a bit now. When are the pancakes coming in the mail? Well, maybe it's all for the best. What do you need to make money for anyway?

I'm considerable hungry. We got any food left? Hmm. Looks like we're out of corn pone, fatback, hardtack, fat pone, "corntack." Any "tackback"? "Tackback"? - I mean "backtack." - Plumb out.

Yep. I saw her. That is to say, I seen her.

Mr. Plow is A loser and I think he is A boozer

Now, the naturalist who took these absolutely extraordinary pictures... was most impressed with the creature's uncivilized look, its foul language and, most of all, its indescribable stench.

Look at all those worried faces... except for Lenny. He looks great. This is the worst day of my life.

But I can only pay you in popcorn shrimp. Smell ya later!

I say Phantom Menace sucked more! I say Attack of the Clones sucked more! J; Uh-oh. That's toxic waste!

That's right. Order now and you'll also get Sun 'n' Run, the suntan lotion that's also a laxative.

Well, this is our stop. Would you like to come sightseeing with us? We're gonna visit the place where JCPenney sends their damaged merchandise. No, thanks. I'm gonna keep on ridin' the rails... swappin' stories for sponge baths.

Well, you should get some friends who aren't printed on paper. What? You mean action figures?

jeremy Irons. Jeremy's... iron.

Power off, Einstein.

Why is the guy from Laverne s Shirley living in our house? Cause nobody's watching you clowns. If you was to ask me, you’re all too calm and happy. The essence of drama is conflict. That's why they gave me this Taser.

Yeah. We ran out of floorboards there, so we painted the dirt. Pretty clever!

"You will find happiness with a new love." Oh, even the Chinese are against me. What's the point? I can't fight fate. Hey, we're out of these "new love" cookies. Well, open up the "stick with your wife" barrel.

Oh, lots of reasons, I suppose. Got kicked off the force for one thing. For massive corruption. For massive-- Exactly. Yeah. As for me, I was born and bred here on the mean streets of New Orleans.

What if they parody it on MADtv?

Get off of my moor, you mischievous weans! Actually, we prefer to stay. You're thinking about hurting us. Now you're thinking, "How did they know what I was thinking?"

Don't mind me, boys. just scrubbin' my undies. Sorry, Bart. Your dad kinda blew the fantasy. I only like it when I'm pretend-scared. Keep up the roughhousing, Son. Without a strong male presence in the house, you could turn sissy overnight. Oh, these stubborn grass stains.

For Channel 6 News, I'm Kenny Brockelstein. Homer. I'll miss you, Homer.

That bird! He's killing the elephant! Stop him! No, Dad, he's grooming him. Grooming him, eh? Oh, Homer, there's a bird on your head. I know. He's grooming me. Mm, elephant fresh.

Hawaii, here we come. Hawaii? What about Hawaii? Moe? Who's going to Hawaii? Am I going to Hawaii? Stop saying "Hawaii" in there.

Have the Rolling Stones killed. Oh, sir, those aren't-- Do as I say!

Ooh! Uh-oh. Is it okay? Well-- The important thing is that we survived.

Whoops! Hmm, that's queer.

Oh-- Oh, great! Somebody stop that awful, awful man! Oh.

All right, Marge. I'll do it for you. I'm a lucky woman. And I'm a wonderful man.

Oh! Which way to the bathroom? Oh, it's the 23rd door on the left. Nope. Nope. Nope. He wouldn't even hear me out. Find the bathroom all right? Uh... yeah.

I was in the library at the time. But janie told me that Principal Skinner and Bart's teacher, Mrs. What's-Her-Name? Krabappel? Yeah, Krabappel. They were naked in the closet together. Oh, my goodness! Wait a minute. Bart's teacher is named Krabappel? I've been calling her Crandall.

Mr. Simpson, would you please-- Shut up, judge! Peek-a-boo! I see you! Peek-a-boo! I see you! I never heard Maggie laugh like that before. Well, when was the last time Dad gave her that kind of attention?

I got an R.V. we can use-- Flanders's!

Yeah. And another great thing-- you get your own bed. Uh, I sleep in a racing car. Do you? I sleep in a big bed with my wife. Oh, yeah.

Homer, you're dumb as a mule and twice as ugly. If a strange man offers you a ride, I say take it. Lousy traumatic childhood. Ooh, there's the bus. Good-bye, sweetheart. School will be fun.

Thanks, Miss Parton. Way to go, Dolly. Thanks, babe. Will you go out with me? Oh, look at the time. I better scoot to that halftime show. See y'all! Man, that's gonna be some show. Who's ready for some football? Football!

You can't stop me ! The hell I can't ! Homer, it's really coming down. Could you check on the boys ?

That's good. The frogurt is also cursed. That's bad. But you get your choice of topping. That's good! The toppings contain potassium benzoate. That's bad. Can I go now?

Yes! My precious CarToons!

And then of course, there's Mom, who sounds something like this. "Eat your vegetables. Take a sweater. I don't think that's a good idea. Hmm."

Laziness is counterrevolutionary. Questions are decadent! Fast hands mean less whipping.

Hey, Bart. What? What's wrong?

Because when you're a grown-up you'll have to take care of yourself! Marge! There's a spider near my car keys! You did the right thing by telling me. Shoo! Get outta here! That's better.

A'four-- In the navy, yes, you can sail the seven seas in the navy yes, you can puT your mind at ease in the navy Come on, people and make A stand in the nAvy in the navy in the navy come on protect the motherland

Mr. Goodbar to the front desk. The front desk is looking for Mr. Goodbar. I feel like a kid in some kind of a store.

"Hello, Mr.-- Kurns. I bad want... money now. Me sick." Ooh, he card reads good.

Boy, this is depressing. Hey, I know what would cheer us up. Bowling! Look at this. I got a ball here. I feel happy now. I needed more money to support my growing family.

That's our old smellhound and-- Geech gone to heaven, Mr. Terwilliger. Oh, Cousin Merl, really! Temper, temper. You know Cousin Merl ain't been quite right lately.

Why, look, it's my celebrity neighbor Elliott Gould! Your monkey bit my kid again! Well, if he would stop wearing the banana suntan lcytion- Say hello to Bob- and Carol and Ted and Alice-

All we ask is to be treated with dignity and respect. And a new candle now and then? Yes, and a new ca-- No!

I'm no supervising technician. I'm a technical supervisor. I've never done anything worthwhile in my life. I'm a big, worthless nothing. There, there, Homer. You'll find a job.

You look great! Really? You like it? Oh, I'd love to wear this someplace special. Sperlock's Cafeteria it is. What about the symphony or the theater?

Oh, look at those exotic positions. Watching those women is giving me ideas. They made an elephant!

The house is slightly askew. To the panic room! Aaah! Daddy, I'm scared. Scared of what?

It was known as the University of Minnesota Spankelogical Protocol. And that's just about eight months, mmm, now. Well, Ned, how do you feel?

Wow! Lisa, can you say "Mommy"? Mommy. Can you say "David Hasselhoff"? Dave Hassahoff. Can you say "Daddy"? Homer. No, sweetie. "Daddy". Homer. D'oh!

Can I have some money now?

Who are you? Oh, you'll find out in due time. Well, it says here your name is L.T. Smash. The time has come. I'm L.T. Smash. Thank you so much for saving our son from that murderous mob. Well, thank you for letting me chill in your crib.

Sweet Enola Gay, son! I'm gonna come in there and corpse you up!

What I'd like to say is we're still looking for the real killers. Anyway, in conclusion, a man cannot be forced to testify against his wife. Stop winking!

And the nominees are: Droopy Drawers... Colonel Coward... Pepito, the biggest cat in the whole wide world... Sideshow Bob... and Suckup the Vacuum. And the Emmy goes to... I don't believe this... Sideshow Bob.

That Yentl puts the "she" in yeshiva. Hmm. Well, you've cooled down. That's what you think. You know, I rented another tape... in case you felt better.

Oh? An intruder! He will pay the ultimate price. Yes. The ultimate price. Get outta here!

Oh, boy! Sleep! That's where I'm a Viking.

After you, sweetheart. Oh, no. You first, ma'am. Well, somebody go first. - Well, not me. - I'm not goin' until she goes. Oh, for crying out loud! Oh. Oh. Okay. Calm down. just think. What would Curtis E. Bear do?

That's my boy. Come on. Hug me. Cobras! Cobras!

Ah, you lucked out, Marge, my man, 'cause I'm in a smilin' mood today. Well, good! So get ready, and before you know it we'll be at the Try-N-Save. Try-N-Save? Ah, my teapots are ready.

Well, now, see here. Stop that. Attention, wireless listeners. Most of the sounds you are now hearing are not being made by me. Oh, stop! Stop! Won't someone please stop the farting? Aah! Don't worry, folks. He's not dead. I still hear some faint sounds of life.

He's smart, he's soulful, he's Milhouse. What up, "G" Money? Next, he'll break your nose, your glasses and your heart. Nelson. Wait. These are just guys from school. Who's next? Ralph Wiggum? Whee! I'm a pop sensation.

Don't worry about nothin', Homer. I have a feeling... that Mr. Burns is gonna have a little accident that might keep him... from bowlin' with us tonight, heh, heh, heh.

"Gravity is my copilot." Hey, boss. just in case you need it. Ahh, thanks, guys. Now get out of here! Oh, I didn't realize this hill was so high.

You see, that ping sound means the spit was on target. Now you try. Gettin' better.

(MOCKINGLY) And it looks like he's headed toward that wildlife sanctuary.

The hell I won't. You're forgetting I've got my Powersauce bars. Wake up, Homer. Those bars are just junk. They're made of apple cores and Chinese newspapers. Hey. Deng Xiaoping died.

Oh. Something's wrong with its brakes. Gangway! Marge, kids.

But this time, he's gone too far! We want Krusty! We want Krusty! We want Krusty! Yeah, we want Krunchy! We want Krunchy! I thought you said you broke their spirits. We did. You broke nothing.

Oh, for God's sake! Good-bye, Springfield!

I mean, it was a beautiful evening. Let's not ruin it. - just kiss. - Artie, please. Come on, kiss me. - Oh, Artie. - Please? Really, I mean it. Now stop it! I'm sorry, Marge. Take me home, Artie.

I'm very happy to meet you. From now on, you're gonna work for us. Okay, but could you pay me under the table? I got a little tax problem.

but your unlaminated, out-of-state driver's license is proof enough for me. Here's your first assignment. What the--

Hey, Skinner, wanna drag race? My high school sweetheart was killed in a drag racing accident. Come on. It'll be fun. That's what Debbie Sue said.

The sun is out, birds are singin', bees are trying to have sex with them. As is my understanding. It is a gorgeously fabulous day. Marvelous even.

Curly, straight. Curly, straight. Mr. Simpson, I don't think he likes that. Of course he does. He's a cute little piggy. Curly, straight. Curly, straight. Ow! Why, you little-- Mr. Simpson, stop! It's a defenseless animal!

You just better have a damn good conductor. I locked my keys in there. Get a rock.

Well, duh! With what, Ned?

Okay, guys! Dinner's ready!

U.S.A.! U.S.A.! U.S.A.!

Yeah, he's done. Why you little-- - Better or worse? - Worse!

First prize! First prize! First prize! First prize! First prize! First prize! Why are you saying that? just screwin' with your mind.

Now, a brilliant jazz musician who's inspired me to do some improv poetry. Twinkle, twinkle, groovy cat. How I wonder where you at. I really love the way you cook. just like me when I wrote this book.

Lisa, you're smart. Help me trick her into taking me back. Dad, you can't trick somebody into loving you. There's a reason two people come together and stay together. There's something they give each other that nobody else can give them. If you want Mom back, you just have to remember what you give her that nobody else can. I'll pay you $40 if you think of it for me.

Uh-oh. Sorry. Let me just get my girlfriend, and I'll go. Hey, Crystal, wake up!

Happy first "A" Bart Simpson Happy first "A" To you Hey! Yes! Thank you. Thank you.

I made a pie. Put pie here. Would you like some ice cream with that? Me not pig.

"Hortense, the Mule-Faced Doll"? I think we should name her after Lisa.

But I'll pass your file along to-- Brown. Mmm. Heck of a school. Weren't you at Brown, Otto? Yep. Almost got tenure too. No! Not Brown! Brown. Brown. Brown. Lisa, you're saying "Brown" an awful lot. Are you okay?

There's gotta be some other explanation. I wish there was some other explanation for this. But there isn't. I'm a murderer. I'm a murderer! Then that's not the real Ned Flanders. I'm a mur-diddly-urgler! If that's not Flanders, he's done his homework.

Elmo go to wrong fundraiser.

cryin's not For me 'cause I'm never gonna Stop the rain by complainin' because I'm freE nothin's worryin'

Weird scenes inside the gold mine

Ooh! TrÈs bien! Yeah. What the hell are you doing, you little freak? Ooh, sorry, kid. Sorry. I'm not used to the laughter of children. It cuts through me like a dentist's drill. But, no, that was funny, you taking away my dignity like that. Ha-ha.

"The Half-Assed Approach to Foundation Repair." Hello, I'm Troy McClure. You might remember me from such instructional videos as... Mothballing Your Battleship and Dig Your Own Grave and Save.

Where's that infernal clutch? Wait, wait. I'll get it. Give it some gas, Grandpa. Oh, quiet, Jody. You're not helping.

My good looks paid for that pool, and my talent filled it with water. Hi, I'm Troy McClure, your future uncle. Hi. I remember you from such filmstrips... as locker Room Towel Fight: The Blinding of Larry Driscoll. I was one of the first to speak out against horseplay. Uh-huh.

just let your head flop back and forth.

There's Homer. There's Homer too. That's also Homer. That's Homer! Huh?

just ask this scientician. Uh-- He'll tell you that in nature one creature invariably eats another to survive. Don't kid yourself, jimmy.

There was nothing in Al Capone's vault But it wasn't Geraldo's fault D'oh! Look what I got! Now people will stop intentionally ramming our car!

Father? Son. Papa! Herschel! Daddy! Boychick! Oh, Daddy!

So say a bittersweet farewell to such old friends as mud pies, Bite 'Ems, Éclairios, Chew 'ems, Kellogg's All-Fudge, Big Red Snack Foam, Milk Chuds, Eat 'Ems.

Now, johnny Unitas-- there's a haircut you could set your watch to.

Oh, man, There goes Peter Frampton's big finale. He's gonna be pissed off. You're damn right I'm gonna be pissed off! I bought that pig at Pink Floyd's yard sale! - Dad, are you okay? - I'm fine.

Somebody check the men's room for a huge ass. I'm Hugh jazz. Telephone.

Michael jackson. Doesn't ring a bell. Heard of MTV or Motown?

Hello! Itchy and Scratchy Land, open for business. Who are you to resist it, huh? Come on. My last paycheck bounced. My children need wine.

- Have you noticed any change in Bart? - New glasses? No. He looks like something might be disturbing him. Probably misses his old glasses.

Crack that whip licorice whip I Said whip it licorice whip

See you in hell, punk. See you in hell, punk!

A coupon book? What am I gonna do with this piece of junk? Happy birthday, Dad. Wow! A Val-U-Qual coupon book!

Who's out there? Give me your names so I can tell the police. Seymour, what's going on? What's that odor? Go back to bed, Mother. I've got it under control.

You won't be needing this.

- He's sleeping in the pantry. - My spices! You guys lead a fascinating life. Like, why are you reading the New York Times? You dont live in New York. Oh, I despise the Springfield Shopper. What is that? All the headlines are jokes.

Yes, I recognize this blade. I sold it as part of a set. The famed Seven Swords of Osiris. Now would you be interested in an illustrated novelette? It also includes a young David Diligent adventure. Confound it, man! I need to know who bought those swords!

Oh, man, There goes Peter Frampton's big finale. He's gonna be pissed off. You're damn right I'm gonna be pissed off! I bought that pig at Pink Floyd's yard sale! - Dad, are you okay? - I'm fine.

Diamonds. I still can't believe he gave me diamonds. Mirror, mirror on the wall, who's the baldest of them all? One time, I swung all the way around. You did not. Well, I know a guy who did.

Oh, hold your accolades till the end of the tour. You haven't seen the best part. I couldn't watch your demonstration of the fish caught in the plastic rings... without getting an idea. Look out over the water.

Sherman, I just realized you insulted me. Now you will die.

Dad, why is the world such a cesspool of corruption ? Oh, great. All right, what makes you say that ? Well, at Sunday school, we learned that stealing is a sin.

"...and Cinderella had "the most beautiful gown at the ball, "with eight satin petticoats, each more delicate than the last." I think he's asleep. Want a cup of coffee? Okay. Brave little guy.

Well, I don't need safety gloves, because I'm Homer Simp--

Uh-oh. Why you little-- Why you big-- Bart, go to your room. I'm out of here.

(GASPS) That's the rich people's mall! Let's shop till we droop. I think that's "drop." That's a very violent image, Lisa. Silver and gold Silver and gold Mean so much more when I see First, we'll buy gifts for each other,

We came here to talk about our problems. Fine! I want to marry Anne Boleyn. But I can't chop my wife's head off because her father is the King of Spain! Your Majesty, your feelings are valid, but I'm afraid marriage takes a lot of hard work. And who needs that? I say trade in that lemon and get busy! Woo-hoo!

It just does. Name me one gay Indian. Uh-oh. Something's gonna die. Butt out, buttinsky. What would you know about hunting? I know this much. I wouldn't wear that hideous hat. Here. Take this one. It was worn by Yale Summers in Daktari. Hang on to it, toy boy. You might need it... when it starts raining naked ladies.

I got a report on a domestic disturbance at this address. Yes, indeed there is. There's an inflatable bath pillow that Mother and I both enjoy. She claimed it was her day to use it.

I don't know. Internet?

Is there something wrong, Homie? No. Except-- Except... I killed Mr. Burns! What happened, Dad? I punched Burns right in his 104-year-old face. Are you sure he's dead? Maybe you just really, really hurt him. Okay. Maybe everything's all right.

Now, a brilliant jazz musician who's inspired me to do some improv poetry. Twinkle, twinkle, groovy cat. How I wonder where you at. I really love the way you cook. just like me when I wrote this book. How to Make Love to Steve Allen,

That's all? Just a statue? This country makes me sick.

Never have I heard such gratuitous use of the word "butt"!

Hello, my name is Mr. Burns. I believe you have a letter for me. Okay, Mr. Burns. Uh, what's your first name ? I don't know. Great plan, Bart !

Ooh! He's so smart! Whoa! And so handsome. Bart, I just love him.

Can you say "Mama"? Can you say "get bent"? Bart! Mr. Rogers says it all the time. He does not. Maggie, can you say "Daddy"? Daddy. Kitty. Kitty. Be-bop. Be-bop. Shove it. Shove it.

Our model is the trapezoid that guarantees each investor an 800% return within hours of your initial-- Uh-oh! The cops!

Welcome to our video honeymoon. We're using the video camera cousin Doug gave us... and the video cassette Homer gave us. Hey, and after we watch this, we can tape over it.

Why would you make up a lie like that? No. It's true. Maude and I sell religious hook rugs over the Internet. Internet, eh? Yes, indeedy. Making some good scratch too. Scratch, eh? Yep. Maude, eh?

How could you have seen all this, Bart? Weren't you supposed to be in school? I... sorta skipped school.

Look at them, smug and secure in their finery, mocking us. They're just snowmen, Mr. Burns. Ah, snowmen have peepers. Peepers to watch-- to watch for a moment of weakness. And then, baf, comes the knock on the head, and we're down! - What do we do? - Oh, wouldn't you like to know?

Okay, it's the standard Grampa drill. Everybody into the cellar. The hurricane

Should we follow him?

Don't worry. I have a plan. I saw this in a movie about a bus that had to speed around the city... keeping its speed over 50. And if its speed dropped, it would explode. I think it was called The Bus that Couldn't Slow Down.

Promise me you'll report this. Consider yourself fired! I had a car!

(GIGGLING) What? Nothing.

See this, Son? That's where we're going to live. Maybe not today. Maybe not tomorrow. But someday. Later that day, we set sail for America.

Why can't you accept that I'm here with someone else ? Because I'm sure we were meant to be together. Usually when I have a thought, there's a lot of other thoughts in there. Something says yes, something says no, but this time there's only yes. How could the only thing I've ever been sure about in my life be wrong ?

Who did this to my wall? He did. Is this true? I-- Well-- Technically, it is true, sir, but-- Come with me.

That's right. Yeah, good. And also you should win things by watching. Huh. You kids don't know what you want. That's why you're still kids-- 'cause you're stupid! just tell me what's wrong with the freakin' show!

Oh, they have the Internet on computers now.

Hurts, don't it? Right. Do you know what a wet willie is? - Is it this? - Hey, baby! How about puttin' your finger in my ear?

You just can't see the big picture. If I stick to my guns, the boy could wind up... chief justice of the Supreme Court. If I fail, the best he could do... is judge at a Mr. Tight Buns competition. I can't let that happen. I won't let that happen. And I can't let that happen.

Howdy, stranger ! I'm Bart Simpson. Who the hell are you ? Ah. Please allow me to introduce myself. I'm the devil ! And you've earned eternal damnation for your lifetime of evil deeds, Bart.

Where have you been? Playing with Milhouse. No, you haven't! You've been out gallivanting around... with that floozy of a bigger brother of yours! Haven't you? Haven't you? Look at me!

The house is slightly askew. To the panic room! Aaah! Daddy, I'm scared.

Homer, get ready! For what? Remember? Luann and Chase are taking us out to hear Spalding Gray. I don't want to go to that. You said you'd do it as a favor to me. That doesn't sound like something I'd say. Fine. I'll go without you. Okay. Love ya!

Oh, my God. It's my hero, Michelle Kwan. You remind me of a young Dorothy Hamill.

CompuGlobalHyperMeganet. junior vice president Homer Simpson speaking. How may I direct your call? It's Patty.

Simpson scandal update. Homer sleeps nude in an oxygen tent... which he believes gives him sexual powers. Hey, that's a half-truth.

Bart! Son of a-- Oh, my God! Okay, we'll call it even if I can just have some of that big sandwich. Oh. I'll come back.

Say, what you got there? I don't know exactly. It's from the Room of Lamps That Do Not Look Like Lamps. Hmm?

Kaboom! Blam! Oh, excuse me again, dear. Homer, there's no point in pretending you're making those noises. Your homemade liquor is exploding again. What, dear? Kablamo! You made some money and had the fun of being a wanted criminal. Why not quit now while you're ahead? Boom.

The film is just me in front of a brick wall for an hour and a half. It cost $80 million. How do you sleep at night? On top of a pile of money with many beautiful ladies. just asking. Yeesh!

Very much so, Kent. But they've already received an extremely generous severance package. Valencia? These are juice oranges.

Dad, knocking over a gravestone is bad luck. Really? I heard good.

That guy cheapens our whole profession. What do you think of him, Internet Comic?

Oh, Marge, we were so close to winning the championship. Now, thanks to Burns, it's never gonna happen. And I spent so much time building that trophy case. Homer, maybe Mr. Burns will bowl a great game, and you will win your championship.

Give me my bear, Simpson! It's The Sou-ou-oul Mass Transit System. Give it to me. El yoyÓ es grande. ¡Ay, chihuahua! As you can see, Simpson, I have taken over all 78 channels,

Prohibition may be unpopular, but it's the law, and we still have-- Go to your room, Lisa! Open up, Curly! This is a raid! A raid? Curly? Um, all right, but, uh,

Sir, the designers are here with some prototypes for your casino. Gentlemen, I give you Britannia! Gambling with all the glitz and glamour of the British Isles. Best of all, the waitresses and showgirls are all real Brits. Fresh from the streets of Sussex they are! Freshen your drink, governor? Get out.

just hook it to my veins!

"I'll be quirky"? Albuquerque! I'll be right back! Members of the media, thank you for coming. The proof that the Isotopes are moving to Albuquerque is right behind this door. Excuse me. Joel Duffman, The Newsly Times.

No burning leaves without a permit! I got one. Too late!

Warheads. jelly Bellies. We're like two kids in a candy store. Yes! Flavor's gone. Flavor's gone.

Now, remember, the instant you finish it, I own your soul for-- Hey, wait, if I don't finish this last bite, you don't get my soul, do you?

Come home, my Bonny warrior For now the nets are full O' fish... Is that tape working?

Four tickets for Shenani-Goats! Why is this movie PG-13? "It may contain brief rudeness, adult explosions... and scenes with Garry Shandling."

Good night. Di-da. They haven't changed a bit, have they? As the weeks went on, so did the cartoons.

But send him in. Ahoy there, Dean. I understand you're taking suggestions from students, eh?

It's been scooped out.

Did-- You had arthritis? Um, no.

Hello? Yes? Oh. If you're looking for that big doughnut of yours, Flanders has it. just smash open his house. He came to life. Good for him!

Short answer-- yes, with an "if." Long answer-- no, with a "but."

But now I know her moves. So, if you're listening to me, lady, you'd better think long and hard before trying something like this on Homer Simpson again !

Where we'll get: a free room, free food, free swimming pool, free HBO-- Ooh! Free Willy! justice is not a frivolous thing, Simpson.

If I wanted to see a man eat an orange, I would have taken the orange-eating class. The eating of an orange is a lot like a good marriage. just eat the damn oranges!

Cowabunga, dude! And... cut!

Happy birthday to you Why won't I die?

Uh, the things?

Keep your hands to yourself, mister. Now we don't want to kill him.

I'll just drive up on the curb. Blughh. Almost got it. Drop the food, Chief! Dang fools. Drive-through's not for a-Parkin'.

just one sniff of that fog And you're inside out it's worse than that flesh-eating virus You've read about Vital organs They are what we're dressed in

"Hello, Mr.-- Kurns. I bad want... money now. Me sick." Ooh, he card reads good. "So pick, please, me, Mr. Burns." It's Kurns, stupid! No, it's not.

Hey, where's Maggie? Here she is! And look how big she's gotten! Aw, just like her mommy, Maggie Senior.

And now she must return home to Rigel VII... where she will be guaranteed a lucrative civil service job for life. Well, we can't compete with that, but-- But nothing. Get your slime-less hands off her. People! People! Space monsters. This is going nowhere.

A million dollars? Thanks, Bart. I owe you one. That's a post-dated check, remember. Don't cash it till the year 10,000. Okay.

You gotta keep working on it. Oh! Aah! Aah! Water! Mmm, delicious.

We're just going to have to cut down on luxuries. Well, we're always buying Maggie vaccinations for diseases she doesn't even have. We could cut down on beer. We're not going to do that.

This country makes me sick.

My name is Hans. Drinking has ruined my life. I'm 31 years old. My name is Homer, and I'm just here because the court made me come.

I've killed a baby. I'm a monster. (GROWLS) I can't take anymore. Ned, there's more to the Bible than blood and gore.

Any other strange behavior? He quit blinking. He says that's when they get you. I had a feeling this might happen. This carboxyl group sometimes causes problems. After we trusted you!

Out, boy. Out ! What a grump.

Blankets, radio. Oh, a Gary Larson calendar. I don't get it. I don't get it. I don't get it. I don't get it. I... don't get it.

Drastic action had to be taken to stop his war machine.

You know, maybe a jingle would help. Don't watch the mon-- Don't watch the... monsters-s-s-s Well, it'll sound a lot better coming out of Paul Anka. Hey, Springfield!

Good Lord! It's coming up right behind him! What the-- No! No! Ow! Ow! Stop it! Children, teachers, back to your rooms.

Well, I knew that before I came in here. A guy outside told me that. "Every house has a bathroom." Oh, these fortunes are terrible! Is there a problem? These fortunes are terrible. They're supposed to predict stuff and ease you through times of doubt and sickness.

I know another place you can go!

Geez, what's with all the dust? My God! Everyone's gone!

What am I doing wrong, Little Vicki? Well, you're falling a lot. Maybe you should work on that. Yeah. Well, no offense, but maybe I need a little more instruction... than just "tappa-tappa-tappa." Why, back when I was your age, I had 43 movies under my belt, and I had to do it without tappa-tappa-tappa. I would have killed for tappa-tappa-tappa.

You'll never pass this course if you don't know the periodic table. - I'll write it on my hand. - Oh! Including all known lanthanides and actinides? Good luck. Come on, guys. Look at yourselves! All you do is study.

Hey, it's morning, and Mom and Dad aren't home yet. Don't worry. Mr. Hutz is still here to take care of us. Don't touch my stuff! Hey. This isn't the Y.M.C.A.

What about Bob Hope? He's been consistently popular for over 50 years. So has Sinatra. Well, anyway, we were all getting tired of-- Dean Martin still packs 'em in.

You know, Senator, being in suspended animation gave me time to think. Partisan politics are tearing our country apart. You got a point there, Bill. If you and I are gonna whup these one-eyed space fellas, we're gonna have to set aside our differences. Together we can lead America into a new golden age.

They didn't have any aspirin, so I got you some cigarettes.

Wanna see my picture I drew? Lieutenant Simpson, you've been up for hours. Take a nap. You're no good to us cranky. But I'm not tired.

I'm hot buttered check it and see I got A fever of 453 I'm hot so very hot Four? Oh, no! Oh, this is so embarrassing!

I can't argue with the man who wrote Profiles in Courage. Yes, uh, wrote it, uh-- Well, uh, good luck, "Liser." Thanks! I'll see you in heaven! Uh, yes, er, heaven. Oh.

Look, Maggie, Christopher Walken's reading Goodnight Moon. "Good night, room. Good night, moon. Good night, cow jumping over the moon." Please, children, scooch closer. Don't make me tell you again about the scooching.

Defense! Defense! Come on! You call that blowing?

And your discovery of the cure for the common cold-- Hello, Marge. I'm Lee Majors. Will you come away with me? Uh... sure.

Oh! Okay, so we have one thing in common. But you know what I hate? Drinking beer and watching TV. Not me. That's my idea of heaven. D'oh! Me too! Really? I can see I'm gonna love working with you. Well, gotta go.

Dad, we did something very bad! Did you wreck the car? No. Did you raise the dead? Yes! But the car's okay? Uh-huh. All right, then.

Mmm! Well, Marge, if that was my last meal, I'd tell the warden, "Bring on the lethal injection!"

Now get down on all fours with your rear in the air. What position is this? The American Taxpayer. The American Taxpayer. Hmm.

There, under the smiling eyes of four stuffed Eskimos, we expressed our love physically, as was the style at the time. Well, how do you like that? I have been in a museum.

Homer, I'll tell you what I told Redford. It ain't gonna happen.

It's okay, son. You can recover.

Howdy, gents. I'm here to collect my free-- Ow! Oh, my boating arm! What's going on! You're under arrest, slimebag. What's this perp in for, Lou? 235 unpaid parking tickets, totaling $175. I hope you brought your checkbook, wise guy.

Oh, I hope I haven't upset you, bongo head! Oh, I should be resisting this, but I'm paralyzed with rage... and island rhythms.

I've been so bored since we moved here, I found myself drinking a glass of wine every day. I know doctors say you should drink a glass and a half, but I just can't drink that much.

The dream was over. Coming up: Was the dream really over? Yes, it was.

Ow! That really hurt!

Rhetorical, eh? Eight! Dad, do you even know what "rhetorical" means?

Yeah. The doctor.

I question the value of this assembly. It will be a pleasant memory when they're pumping gas for a living.

What's going on here? Child welfare, ma'am. Here's a little bedtime reading. Mmm. "squalid hellhole"? "Toilet paper hung in improper overhand fashion"? "Dogs mating on dining room table"?

"My child is on the honor roll at Springfield Elementary." You know, I never thought I'd find a replacement... for my "Where's the Beef?" bumper sticker. "Where's the Beef?" Uh, we'd like the desk back, Mr. Simpson. Huh? Oh.

Look. Here comes the "friend ship" sailing your way. Ooh, here. Let me get that, friend. Oops. Lost a nail. Well, that's leprosy for you.

Homer, there's four places. There's the Hammock Hut. That's on Third. Uh-huh. There's Hammocks-R-Us. That's on Third too. - You got Put-Your-Butt-There. - Mm-hmm. - That's on Third. Swing Low, Sweet Chariot. - Right. Matter of fact, they're all in the same complex. It's the hammock complex on Third. Oh, the hammock district.

It's clearly booming, Bart.

Now's my chance! (PANTING) Love conquers all! Snake!

But-- Go! What have we here? "The Lighter Side of Hippies." They don't care whose toes they step on. Whoo!

Let me off! Let me off! Let me off! Let me off! Let me off! Let me off! It's okay, Marge. We don't need to go on a trip. We'll just wait for the killer bees to come to us.

And here come the pretzels.

One, two, three, four, I declare a thumb war. One, two, three.

But between those kids and going to Uncle Tyrone's, we can't be alone. We're alone now. BART: You're never alone in this crap shack! Why, you little... (BART CHOKING)

It was worth it. Hey, Homer, you wanna get a beer on the way home? I can't.

What do you want? A medal? You gave Bart one. Love you.

Quoth the Raven: Eat my shorts.

Oh, crap! It's on fire! Inflammable means flammable? What a country! Can you drive me to Shelbyville Hospital? I reckon so. Hey!

I wanted to see your utopia. But now I see it is more of a Fruitopia. I'm sure what Dr. Hawking means is-- Silence. I don't need anyone to talk for me, except this voice box. You have clearly been corrupted by power. For shame! Larry Flynt is right! You guys stink!

Yeah. It's Ned Flanders. The teens have been chasing me all night. They-They finally stopped to gas up their scooters. Ned, where are you?

But this time, he's gone too far!

You shall be champion- assuming Lisa misspells this next word. The word is "intransigence." Could I please hear it in a sentence? Certainly. "The little girl's intransigence cost her the college of her choice." lntransigence.

And another thing, how come I can't get no Tang around here? Also--

He's not just some guy, Marge. He's a carny, and part of a noble tradition. Carnies built this country-- the carnival part of it anyway. And though they may be ratlike in appearance, they are truly kings among men. - Okay, let's go, fatty. - Yes, sir.

Uh, no, he's been walking around like that since Thanksgiving. I'm surprised he just doesn't give it up and go for sweat pants. He says the crotch wears out too fast. Yarrr! That's gonna replace the whale in my nightmares!

We call it Three Stooges syndrome. So what you're saying is I'm indestructible. Oh, no, no. In fact, even a slight breeze could-- Indestructible.

Hmm. Who or what is Santos L. Halper? Wow! My own credit card! Thanks, Santos! A quarter? You're just the dog that keeps on giving, aren't ya?

Wow! Lisa, can you say "Mommy"? Mommy. Can you say "David Hasselhoff"? Dave Hassahoff. Can you say "Daddy"? Homer. No, sweetie. "Daddy". Homer.

Excuse me, Edna. I don't think we're talking about love here. We're talking about S-E-X in front of the C-H-i-L-D-R-E-N. Sex Cauldron? I thought they closed that place down! What are you people talking about?

I don't know what's happening. It seems our profits have dropped 37%. I'm afraid we have a bad image, sir. Market research shows people see you as something of an ogre. I ought to club them and eat their bones!

Do you feel any better? No. What are the odds of getting sick on a Saturday? 1,000-to-1. Well, to cheer you up, I rented a couple of videos. "Boxing's Greatest Weigh-Ins" and "Yentl." Yentl? What's that? It deals with a bookish young woman's efforts... to enter rabbinical school. Sounds great!

Happy birthday to you Happy birthday to you Happy 34th birthday, Mrs. Homer Simpson Happy birthday to you

Our elementary school participates in a foreign exchange program.

Mmm, delicious ! Smithers, every year you outstrip yourself in succulence. Oh, thank you, sir. Oh ! Would you like some candied yams ? Oh, no. I couldn't eat another bite.

Otto, you gotta do something! There's a gremlin on the side of the bus! Hey, no problemo, Bart-dude. I'll get rid of it. No! Oh, no. I just made my last payment. Oh.

This ain't no five-X whiskey. I can still see. That barkeep's a no-good cheat! Cheat? Eh-- All right. We've all got derringers. Now let's just put 'em away. Nobody here is a cheat.

Stay away from me, Homer! Give me the bat, Marge. Give me the bat. Give me the bat. Come on. Give me the bat. Give me the bat, bat, ooh. Scaredy-cat.

Welcome to the chocolate factory. I'm Troy McClure. You probably remember me... from such films as the Revenge of Abe Lincoln... and the Wackiest Covered Wagon in the West. The history of chocolate starts with the ancient Aztecs.

Get off! Get off!

Now, wait a minute, Marge. It's only natural... there'd be some things wrong with an old house like this. It's a Fixer-upper. What's the problem ? We get a bunch of priests in here--

Yeah, we lived here till the bank foreclosed in '63. Farm went bust after the cows started givin' sour milk. Somethin' must've spooked 'em good.

I'm president ofthe Italian-American Anti-Defamation League. And this really burns my cannoli! Maggie's right in the middle ofthat Italian-American Mexican standoff!

There he is. Oh, wait. You said, brown hair, right?

Inflammable means flammable? What a country!

Don't worry. Being eaten by a crocodile... is just like going to sleep... in a giant blender. Wonder where this river goes. I've got a map.

This taco is full of hair. Uh-huh.

Bart, don't you ever do that again. Understand? Beep.

I-- Holy jumping Caesar's catfish! My "H" has been stolen! Oh! That's how people knoW it's a Honda! What's the point of having a Honda if you can't show it off? Sir, if you'll just stop yelling at me, I'm sure I can find a replacement. Here we-- I'll just--

Also, sir, your Loudmouth Leopard is a rip-off of Jackie Gleason. Humina, humina, humina, humina, humina. And Clutzy Cat sounds exactly like Jerry Lewis, with the stealing and the lawsuit and the "Oh, nice judge. Don't hurt a person with the thing."

You've got your whole life ahead of you. Don't you have any dreams? My dreams all involve combing my hair.

Dear family. I am an utter failure, and you'll be better off without me. By the time you read this, I will be in my watery grave.

Wicca's a Hollywood fad! That's Kabbalah, jerk! (GRUNTING) Stupid kids ruin everything! So you're not in the mood anymore, are you? Homie, you know I'm usually good for a triple-X throw-down.

"Come to Homer's BBBQ. The extra 'B' is for BYOBB." What's that extra "B" for? That's a typo. Dad, can't you have some other kind of party? One where you don't serve meat?

What are we laughing at ?

I wrote some jokes about how white people are different from black people.

Don't you see ? The tartar sauce. The bathroom key. Drying your boss's hands. You did it all. It was never the hair. You did it because you believed you could, and you still can. No, I can't. I'm just a big fool. Oh, no, you're not ! How do you know ? Because my mother taught me never to kiss a fool. Carl. Now go get 'em, tiger.

Hey, it was all a coincidence. Yup! There's your answer, fish bulb. Well, it was a good ride while it lasted. Come on, kids. Let's go home. We are home. That was fast. You've just got to accept it.

Why can't we be friends why can't we be friends why can't we be friends why can't we be friEnds Your boy looks a little soft, Moe.

I'm sorry, Mr. Blackbeard. We're low on chairs, and this is the last one. Arr! This chair be high, says I.

Mr. Robert Pinsky. Tonight I'll be reading from a copy of my book I just checked out at Atherton Library!

You try to open the door, but there's too much blood on the knob-- What is your, uh, question? My question's about the budget, sir.

One for Honk, please. Oh, gee. Uh, just a minute. I have to check with the manager. That overweight guy wants to see the movie. I'm terribly sorry, sir. I'm afraid our facilities are not equipped to meet your needs. What are you talking about?

The hell I won't. You're forgetting I've got my Powersauce bars. Wake up, Homer. Those bars are just junk. They're made of apple cores and Chinese newspapers. Hey. Deng Xiaoping died.

This is a special report from Channel 6 News. Disturbing news from the old well,

I spent the next three years in a P.O.W. camp, forced to subsist on a thin stew made of fish, vegetables, prawns, coconut milk and four kinds of rice. I came close to madness trying to find it here in the States, but they just can't get the spices right. Uh, my punishment? Hmm? Oh, I'm gonna have to think about that.

All right. Time to throw in the Butterfingers.

Baby could order poison. Oh, that's ridiculous. Poison Delivery Service. A gift basket of poisons is on its way.

Hans Moleman Productions presents... Man Getting Hit by Football. Ooh!

Daddy, we're missing the Fantastapotamus. She only sings twice a day.

and it's too late to do anything about that. Frankly, I'm starting to regret skipping you ahead.

One of the wheels broke off my chair today. But I didn't make a movie about it. - Shh. - In the '50s, I did a TV show. It only lasted a year, but we did 360 episodes. All of 'em great. I did the commercials myself.

Kirk Van Houten. How many of you children have gone out to your car and found a flyer on the windshield? Are you the guy that puts 'em there? No. I-I'm his assistant. But one time he was sick and he let me do it. I totally screwed it up. Uh, um, that-that's it.

two Many dancing people covered with blood, gore and glop just one sniff of that fog And you're inside out

Well, they do it in Norway. And that's why I personally thank God we pay too much for drugs. I mean, the right amount. I mean, not enough. Here. Watch this video.

What? You promised Lisa to help her with her costume. You made her cry. Then I cried. Then Maggie laughed. She's such a little trouper.

You stay here till you're no longer insane. Hmm. Chili would be good tonight. Homer, it's Moe. Uh, look, some of the ghouls and I... are a little concerned the project isn't moving forward. Can't murder now. Eating. Oh, for crying out loud.

Sure thing, giant beer. Ooh! Ow! Ow! Ow! Mother of Mercy! Hey! This is kinda fun. Whee! Whee! Ow!

Where they belong-- TV's Matlock! We love you, Matlock Oh yes, we do

Thanks, darlin'. See you at the dance.

I guess there's nothing left but to kiss my sorry ass good-bye. May I, sir? Ughh. These unfortunate people will be instantly killed. This circle, which I am sad say we are in will experience a slower, considerably more painful death. Good Lord!

Unless, of course, they're replying to an editorial. Uh, I am! I'm strongly opposed to... Proposition, uh, 305! You're against discount bus fares for war widows? Uh, you bet I am. Okay. Makeup.

Hey! All right. So, the compression and expansion... of the longitudinal waves cause the erratic oscillation-- you can see it there-- of the neighboring particles. Yes? What is it? What? What is it? Can I play with it? No, you can't play with it. You won't enjoy it on as many levels as I do.

Okay, everybody. Say "funny." Funny! Perfect.

Smoke Yourself Thin and Get Confident, Stupid.

Wait! I need closure on that anecdote.

Ten dollars? What is this, a car wash for millionaires? Throw hot wax on him, Dad. Howdy, Homer. Five dollars, please. Hey, how did "Churchy LaFemme" get half price? Senior citizens' discount. "Senior citizen"? Flanders? Well, we'll see about that.

Mrs. Simpson, you're under oath. We drove around until 3:00 a.m., looking for another all-you-can-eat fish restaurant. And when you couldn't find one? We went fishing. Do these sound like the actions of a man...

"uh, the long-term benefits more than offsetting the one-time cost... "for a net savings of f-five thousand, two, uh, hundred and--" Oh, lots of money. Mr. Burns' office. Right now. Dead man comin' through.

Why, you ill-mannered sack of crap!

Hello, Simpson. I'm riding the bus because Mother hid my car keys... to punish me for talking to a woman on the phone. She was right to do it.

Whoo-hoo! In your face, Milwaukee.

Oh, man. I can't believe you failed. Oh, I'm gonna lose my job just 'cause I'm dangerously unqualified! Mr. Simpson, there is a way. We could, well, use a computer to change your grade. Computers can do that?

I'll teach you to whistle on the Sabbath.

Okay, friend. You tried the best. Now try the rest. Call 1-600-DOCTORB. The "B" is for "bargain"!

I don't think the guns are a good idea. Marge! We're responsible adults. Whoops. If a group of responsible adults can't handle firearms in a responsible way-- Sorry. Uh-oh. Me again. Sorry.

It's just a little slimy. It's still good. It's still good. It's just a little airborne. It's still good. It's still good. - It's gone. - I know.

Well, we've got another one coming right up. But first, I've got a hankerin'... for some pork products. Mmm. Look. Plump succulent sausage, honey-smoked bacon and glistening, sizzling--

Apu, I'm sure the last thing they want to talk about is-- We weren't satisfied with the other vegetarian meals on the market. You'd be surprised how often you'd find a big hunk of pork in them. Ew! Linda and I both feel strongly about animal rights. In fact, if you play "Maybe I'm Amazed" backwards, you'll hear a recipe for a really ripping lentil soup.

We're all filled up. File off! Some new buddies of mine stopped by tonight.

Homer, get ready! Patty and Selma will be here any minute!

Oh. Don't worry, Maggie. I'll think of something. Who's that little baby?

It's going to be a rough couple of lifetimes. Manjula! Oh, Apu, you are such a Brahma queen. Have you come to forgive me? I am willing to take you back. Really? Provided you complete these tasks.

Come on, son. Let's go cash this baby and get presents for-- Thirteen bucks ? Hey, wait a minute. That's right. $120 gross. Less Social Security, less unemployment insurance, - less Santa training... - Santa training ? less costume purchase, less beard rental, less Christmas club. But-- But-- See ya next year.

Promise me you won't buy a pony. Hmm. Was that a yes or a no? Baa. Those aren't even words. Sna.

Oh. Hello. I'm Frank Ormand. And if you're watching me, that means you've got pretzel fever. And not the kind that attacked my intestinal lining some years back.

a bunch of escaped, infected monkeys are roaming the expressway. Despite the sweltering heat, don't unroll your windows, 'cause those monkeys seem confused and irritable. Hee-hee-hee! I pity those poor suckers on the freeway. Gas, brake, honk. Gas, brake, honk. Honk, honk, punch. Gas, gas, gas.

(IMPRESSED MURMURS) That sucked. Well, at least I've still got my health... - (GRUNTS) - (HONKING) Oh, my golly graciousness! Bad car! Apologize to the poor little boy. (SORROWFUL HONK)

Dad, you're fired! Fired? Me? Everything I did, I did for you! (DOOR SLAMS)

I accidentally burned up the tree... and the presents. I'm really sorry. You little-- Lisa, no! Your hands are too weak. Stop that.

that might help Ned contain his anger. It was known as the University of Minnesota Spankelogical Protocol. And that's just about eight months, mmm, now.

How ironic. Homer, old chap, well done. If anyone was going to catch me, I'm glad it was you. Actually, it wasn't me. It was my dad, Grampa. Thanks, Son. So you see, old people aren't so useless after all. Malloy's old, and he outsmarted the lot of you.

Glory to the new born King Peace on earth and mercy mild God and sinners reconciled ASTROLABE: Today is the birthday of our Lord, Jesus Christ,

But there's only one way to find out.

"I had a cat named Snowball. "She died, she died! "Mom said she was sleeping. "She lied, she lied! "Why, oh, why is my cat dead? "Couldn't that Chrysler hit me instead? "I had a hamster named Snuffy... No deal.

localized entirely within your kitchen? Yes. May I see it? No. Seymour! The house is on fire!

Good. Oh, you guys are so cut. Dad, I got some bad news. Oh, your mother's not pregnant, is she? No. I got hit by a couple of cars. I won't be able to play today. Yes! Oh, boy.

Ha-ha! Crud. He's down there. Crud! Do you find something comical about my appearance...

Take that. Take this.

Hey, who's this Homer dude? He's either a 50-foot prehistoric ape, or a tourist trap concocted by the Ape Island jaycees. Either way, we're going ashore.

All right, boy. This calls for the biggest punishment I ever handed down, and this time it's gonna stick. Come on, Homer. This isn't funny. Damn right! Bart, you can't go to see that Itchy and Scratchy movie ever!

Come join us, Lisa. It's so cool. You get to stay up all night drinking blood. And if you say you're a vampire, you get a free small soda at the movies. No! No!

Now, before I give you the check, one more question. Uh, this place, Moe's, you left just before the accident, this is a business of some kind? Don't tell him you were at a bar. But what else is open at night? It's a pornography store. I was buying pornography. Heh-heh-heh. I would've never thought of that.

Mom, maybe it's time to choose a suitor.

If you'll just open that door, you'll see the next mayor of Springfield. Nice. Very nice. What'd it say? No, no, no. Bob. Bob, come in.

You're it. - Now you are the one who is it. - Understood. Well, I've gotta hand it to you, Seymour. These drab student coverings... have created the perfect distraction-free environment, thus preparing the children for permanent positions in tomorrow's mills... and processing facilities.

Hack the bone! Hack the bone!

I've got a better idea. Get the hell out! Look, I've got some washers in my truck. I'll give you one. Marge, get my gun.

There's a 4:30 in the morning now? Top of the hour. Time for the morning news. But, of course, there is no news yet. Everyone is still asleep in their comfy, comfy beds. Good night, everybody.

You're my best friend. Thanks, Krusty.

Oh, I don't know. Harvey Fierstein. - No! - Who else? Uh-- Uh-- Oh. MacGyver's gay. Oh! You bad-mouthed MacGyver, didn't you?

just watch us. Don't forget Ken Starr!

This party is over. Oww! Where did I lose 'em?

Bring forth all the cookies from your kitchen and leave them on the Simpsons' porch. But those belong to our parents. Look, do you want a happy God or a vengeful God? Happy God. Then quit flapping your lip. Yes, sir. Yes, sir.

Oh, I'm sick of doing japanese stuff. In jail we had to be in this dumb Kabuki play about the 47 Ronin, and I wanted to be Yoshi, but they made me Ori. Then we had to do two hours of origami, followed by flower arranging and meditation.

I don't wanna hit a sore spot, but can we talk about herpes? Herpes, herpes bo-berpes Banana-fana, fo-ferpes Herpes, oh Hey, that spot on Gorbachev's head-- Herpes! Trust me. Anybody here have herpes? Huh? Huh?

Ah, here we go.

Ow ! My foot ! You lousy, stupid, clumsy-- See that ? Krusty wore big floppy shoes,

Well, excu-u-uSe me!

Hmm. Oh, man, this is long. Could you read it to me? I guess that could be arranged. "The grace of the Lord Jesus be with God's people. The end." Wow. Wow. God does so much for me, and he doesn't ask anything in return.

Brothers and sisters are natural enemies, like Englishmen and Scots, or Welshmen and Scots, or Japanese and Scots, or Scots and other Scots. Damn Scots! They ruined Scotland! You Scots sure are a contentious people. You just made an enemy for life!

ARTIE: It was the go-go '90s. And I was partying with Newt Gingrich, Janeane Garofalo and Scottie Pippen. Everyone loved my corporation. And then, the bubble burst.

The world has not seen the likes of this... since the French carried Lucky Lindy off on their shoulders... from Le Bourget Field. And now, to present the trophy... three-time soap box derby champion, Ronnie Beck.

And now mid-season kicks off with Admiral Baby. Yee-hee-hee! We're taking the entire 6th Fleet to Candy Island? Those are the admiral's orders.

This radio-controlled plane gives your baby the chance to fly just like my son here. He can execute the barrel roll, the loop-the-loop and bring it in for the perfect landing. Oh, dear. My wife is going to kill me.

Ahh! Do you ever think anything you don't say? There is just no pleasing a girl like that! All that unnecessary behaving. I'm all tense through the "chestal" area.

Oh, I'll never be the darling of the so-called city fathers, who cluck their tongues, stroke their beards, and talk about what's to be done with this Homer Simpson.

Strike ! That's three in a row. Let's see that one again. The throw. There it is. Here it comes. Note the excellent wrist-- just about to go in the gutter, and then a nice spin.

Now turn to the next problem. If you have three Pepsis and drink one, how much more refreshed are you? You, the redhead in the Chicago school system. Pepsi? Partial credit.

I begged you to look at mine first. I begged you.

Look, our ratings are down, and the station is being swamped... with angry calls and letter bombs.

It's impossible for me to fire a pistol. If you'll check my medical records, you'll see I have a crippling arthritis in me index fingers. Look at 'em! Oh, I got it from Space Invaders in 1977. Oh, yeah, that was a pretty addictive video game. Video game?

i drank some very good beer i drank some very good beer I purchased with a fake i.D. My name was BriaN mcgee I Stayed up listening to queen

Hey, yutz. Guns aren't toys. They're for family protection, hunting dangerous or delicious animals, and keeping the king of England out of your face.

Ninety sea chanteys on three compact discs. Blow the man down, mateys blow the man down row, row, row your boat in the navy come on and join your fellow man Act now and get a bonus C.D. Hornpipe Fever. Arr!

Huh? We're shutting you down. Not a chance. No one can silence me but me!

and the rest writes itself. Ah, this show ain't no good. Finished!

Disco Stu likes disco music.

Look here, boy. The secret is to take tiny bites, like so. Mmm! Mmm! Mmm! Stop it! Stop it! Let go of my hand! D'oh!

the gentle caress of a summer breeze.

Where's your uniform? Um, I stowed it safely in the overhead compartment. Well, you talk the talk. Here's a loaner. We need a pilot, pronto! Who wants to fly to the Windy City? I'll go! I'm your man! Conditions are a little windy. - On second thought, I think maybe I'll-- - You!

But just to be sure. (CRACKLING) (YELLING)

It makes you look like a homosexual. Oh.

Oh! I'm never gonna be disabled. I'm sick of being so healthy. Hey, wait. "Hyperobesity. "If you weigh more than 300 pounds, you qualify as disabled."

Hey, hold still. Keep running, Max. I can't lose him! Help him out, Lou. Uh, you better call for backup, Chief. Leave me alone! Go swab Begley. He likes it. Slow down, punk!

what happened to her body we fluShed it down the potty and round and round it goes and round and round it... goes I wish I could laugh at the idea of a teacher being decapitated.

Space camp. At ease, Cadet Nelson.

Oh, thank you. It's just brown and water. So I looked in the window and there it was-- the grossest sight I have ever-- Bart Simpson, report to the principal's office immediately! Now, Bart, son, I don't know what you think you saw, but let me assure you-- What Seymour-- Oh! What Principal Skinner means to say, Bart,

I know you can't understand me but you're a lousy dog and I hate you. Not now. Can't you see I'm reading a third-rate biography of Copernicus I found at the bus station? Dumb dog.

I'm a Stonecutter. Dad, remember those self-hypnosis classes... we took to help us ignore Grampa? Do I ever. It's five years later and I still think I'm a chicken. I'm a chicken, Marge. I know, I know. Maybe we should be listening to him now.

And I quit. Homer, Mr. Burns can't see you winking. So--

Hey, Donna, who loves you, baby?

No! Not janey! She'll pack the Supreme Court with boys! Oh, let me help you, George Washington. I still want to help you! I want to help you, George Washington? Even your dreams are square.

Well, what you didilly-doing, neighbor? Putting speed holes in my car. Makes it go faster. Is that so? Well, gee, maybe the old Flanders mobile could use-- Aah! Wow. Lucky I always keep a Bible close to my heart.

Wait a minute. Somebody's off the beat. Let me hear you two. Okay, now you. Whoa. Children, stop it. For all you know, she has a medical condition. Nope. I see.

Hey, how'd you get in here ? Eh, your door wasn't locked in any serious way. I wonder if you'd be interested in this car stereo ? A $500 value, but I'll let you have it for 40 bucks. Get out of my house ! I don't wanna associate with criminals ! Maybe I'll go see your neighbor. He's not home ! Even better.

Brilliant. I have absolutely no idea what's going on. Homer, I want you to look at this drawing Bart did.

All I have to do is follow the yellow drip road.

Oh, I really mean it though. I mean, if it was you that died, I would've been on her so fast! What are you saying? What? Nothing. She was hot. - What? You can't take a compliment? - Hot? You monster! That's good. No. Let it out. That's it. Let it out. Send me to Maude. That's it. Here I come, baby. Oh, yeah!

Two: Whenever Poochie's not on screen, all the other characters should be asking, "Where's Poochie?" Three--

Hmm. How you doin', Mr. Burns? Jerry Rude. Welcome to the show. I am pleased to-- All right, let's get this geezer out quick so we can bring in the lesbian gladiators. You see, white people have names like Lenny, whereas black people have names like Carl. Zoom!

Hey, Salvatore, guess who's here! Mr. Kookalamanza and-a some real ugly kid.

- Milhouse likes you. - Oh, please! - Milhouse likes Vaseline on toast. - Hmm.

We don't have anything in common. Look at these records. Jim Nabors, Glen Campbell, the Doodletown Pipers. Now look at her records. They stink! Oh. Maybe I had that crazy dream for a reason.

Mmm ! Stay here, boy.

Marge, what are you doing? It's lunchtime. I'll just be a minute. I have to finish this paperwork. Marge, Marge, Marge, let's file this under "R"... for arrivederci. Where does it go? Don't worry, baby. The tube'll know what to do.

the waiting is the hardest part every day you get one more yard You take it on faith you take it to the heart the waiting is the hardest part

Oh, Mom, I can't believe you gave up painting... because of one small-minded art teacher.

Whenever an American vessel leaves port, the crew sings this ancient sea chanty: A'one, a'two, a'three-- A'four-- In the navy, yes, you can sail the seven seas in the navy yes, you can puT your mind at ease in the navy Come on, people and make A stand

Excellent. Next. Exc-ell-ent. Next. Exactly. D'oh! - Next! - ¡Excellente! Es muy bueno. Oh, it's hopeless. I'll have to play myself.

Oh, Mrs. Simpson, you must pursue your dreams, like my old dream of coming to America and starting a family. Or my new dream of ditching my family and sneaking back to India in disguise.

I was trying to punish him exactly like you would. So, in a way, you really dropped the ball on this one. This is your mess, and I'll be damned if I'm gonna clean it up.

Wait a minute. Those are yours, sir? Yes. I am in flavor country. Both of them? It's a big country. Ladies, I apologize. And you, sir, are worse than Hitler.

Well, I guess there's no room in this modern world... for old Blackie here, but if you don't mind, this reporter is going for... one last ride.

You've been rubbing my nose in it since I got here ! Your family is better than my family ! Your beer comes from farther away than my beer ! You and your son like each other ! Your wife's butt is higher than my wife's butt ! You make me sick !

No, Homie, no. I still love you. A lot of couples take separate vacations. Well, okay... but you have to swear you're coming back. I swear. All right, then.

Look at him squirm. You care to dance ? She wants you, Homer. Go for it, Homer !

That's our old smellhound and-- Geech gone to heaven, Mr. Terwilliger. Oh, Cousin Merl, really! Temper, temper. You know Cousin Merl ain't been quite right lately.

My mind is made up. I'm not coming back, and that's final. Oh, Seymour. And I'm not Seymour. My name is Armin. This is Armin's apartment, Armin's liquor, Armin's copy of Swank, Armin's frozen peas. Can I see your copy of Swank, Armin? Yes, you can.

I wanna sex you up. Your love slave, Marge. You can't use the word "sex" on the Internet. Watch me.

Okay, last question. Arrange these four arrows to make five arrows. I remind you, you only have 15... Oh. ALL: Ooh! Yeah!

What? No-o-o! Join the navy Join the navy Join the navy

The tax men were merciless. Hey! Oh!

I am the Lizard Queen!

See you tomorrow! I tried to avoid her, but we were sent... to a nuclear convention in Capital City together. TV's there, bathroom's there, and there's your king-size bed for--

"Give me five bees for a quarter," you'd say. Now, where were we? Oh, yeah! The important thing was that I had an onion on my belt, which was the style at the time.

Fellas, where you going at this hour? Hey, don't scratch up them heads!

They were about rebellion, about political and social upheaval!

Hurl this at that. At Lenny? But he's a war hero. Well, let's decorate him then. No! Not even for... four dollars? Ow! My eye! I'm not supposed to get pudding in it!

APU: Why don't you shut up?

That's it. Protect the country.

Then me and my friend were about to press it, but the man said not to press it. But we pressed it anyway! And we ran and we hid in the Giant Tire. Oh, yeah. And my other friend was already there. All right. All right now. You're overstimulated. Let's get some beer in you, and then it's right to bed. Whoo-hoo! Beer, beer, beer! Bed, bed, bed!

Sold to the small man with the runny nose for 2.3 million. Our next highest bid, uh, I believe was yours, sir, for 2.1 million. Yes. Were there any serious bids for this painting?

I don't need to do my work, 'cause someone else will do it for me. D'oh, d'oh, d'oh. Hey, you okay, Grimey? I'm better than okay. I'm Homer Simpson. You wish. Oh, hi, Mr. Burns. I'm the worst worker in the world.

Dad, where are you? Tonight on Wings-- Ah, who cares?

We'll be right back with a special report... on soccer moms who hate soccer. Clear! Oh, Lord. I'm so fat.

Dad, do you wear boxers or briefs? Nope!

Don't listen to him, Duffman. For once in your life, stand up for the little guy. New feelings brewing in Duffman! What... would Jesus do? Hey! Hey! Hey! Whoa, whoa! Whoa!

The only thing in show business that's hollow is the music industry. Come on, Milhouse. You have to do this. If not for yourself, then for the movie-going public, and for the foreign markets that are more important than ever nowadays. And finally, for me, the Mickster.

Kinda brings a tear to your eye socket. Mm-hmm. In the midst of all the killing and skin eating,

Come on. Why won't you go out with Bart? He's a smelly, ugly dork! Please, "ugly" is such a smelly word. Who would you rather go out with? Tommy.

Hudson Brothers Easter Special, with guest stars Willie Tyler and Lester, and Nadia Comaneci. I'd like to hippity-hop on your balance beam. I don't think you understand the mechanics of heterosexual sex. Well, circle gets the square. TV sure has come a long way, huh, Milhouse?

I feel like rockin', so I think I Will I'll rock it, rock it, rock it till I get my fill, yeah Whoo!

And we pass the "slavings" on to you! (CHUCKLING) We've got all your favorite characters, Itchy, Scratchy, Poochie, Austin Powers Itchy, Itchy Poochie, Scratchbob Itchpants, Confederate Itchy and Osama Bin Scratchy.

Oh! That's it! I'm going to show you some moves I learned from G. Gordon Liddy! I'm so sick of names! (BOTH GRUNTING) CHLOE: Oh! My hair! Ladies, (CHUCKLE) there's no need to fight over me.

No ! Homer, do you know why I gave you this job ? 'Cause you think I'm a genius ? No, I don't think you're a genius. 'Cause you think I'm dynamic ? I don't think you're dynamic. You think I work well with others ? No, no, no, no, no. Homer, I gave you this job because you're an average schmo. Oh, great. All you need is a little self-confidence.

"Project Arcturus couldn't have succeeded without you. "This will get you a little closer to that dream of yours. "It's not the Dallas Cowboys, but it's a start. Drop me a line if you're on the East Coast. Hank Scorpio."

Nothin' at all. Nothin' at all. Stupid sexy Flanders!

Hello, this is Bob "What the hell am I doing in Springfield" Hope. Hey, how about that Mayor Quimby? He's some golfer! His golf ball spends more time underwater than Greg Louganis.

Come back for more, eh ? Hey ! What ? What ?

Tee one up for me, cat-ty. Sure thing, mous-y. Nice follow-through. Now that's what I call a moon shot.

Well, uh, see ya.

Oh! And now to make the leap from dreams to reality. Sorry, Homer. While you were daydreaming, we ate all the doughnuts. Well, there were a few left, but we chucked 'em at an old man for kicks. Damn buzzards! I ain't dead yet!

I see you Braves received our smoke signal.

Ay. Que dÍa miserable a trabajo.

Ah! Mmm. Alcohol and night swimming. It's a winning combination.

What's wrong, Marge ? Oh, Homey. Here the kids have a chance to see a great work of art, and instead they're home watching a cat and mouse disembowel each other. Hey, don't worry, Marge. Pretty soon, every boy and girl in Springfield Elementary School is gonna come see this thing.

So we did the only humane thing. We chained Hugo up in the attic like an animal, and fed him a bucket of fish heads once a week. It saved our marriage.

I have a feeling some bad stuff is about to go down.

You're a witness? Bart, you have to tell the police. I can't. Why?

Mr. Hutz, when I grow up, I wanna be a lawyer just like you. Good for you, son. If there's one thing America needs, it's more lawyers. Can you imagine a world without lawyers?

Oh, your family's out of control, but we can't blame you, because you have good intentions! - Hey, back off, man! - Oh, okay, dude! I wouldn't want you to have a cow, man! Here's a catchphrase you better learn for your adult years: "Hey, buddy, got a quarter?"

Whoa! It's like Speed 2, only with a bus instead of a boat.

Yeah, sure. Whatever. These drugs will make the operation... seem like a beautiful dream. Ahh. Hi, everybody.

Assault weapons have gotten a lot of bad press lately, but they're manufactured for a reason-- to take out today's modern super animals, such as the flying squirrel and the electric eel. Learning something, Marge?

I'm stuck. Help me. He's done for! Let's get outta here!

ts finally happened, Bart. You’ve lost your mind.

Even the Pope couldn't forgive this pizza. And he's letting a lot of things slide these days.

One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, 10. Bye!

When I was nominated for best supporting performer... in a children's program at the Daytime Emmy Awards...

Silence! Here they are, the Party Posse!

I'm a chicken, Marge. I know, I know.

- Sparkle, sparkle. - Bart!

Well, I'd like to thank you both for cooperating with-- Did you do it? Chief Wiggum, Homer and I are innocent. I'm sorry, Marge. I-- I can't believe I tried to trick you with such an under-- Did you do it? No! Now if you'll excuse us, we'll just be-- Does that ever work? No. No, never does.

Well, where to now, Romeo ? - Inspiration Point. - Okay, but I'm only paid to drive.

Shh ! Who's the lard butt ? He's the bullfighter. No way a bull's gonna miss a target that big, man.

And while you're there, would you pick up some of that nice green moon money for me-- Royce McCutcheon.

Here-- Hmm. Somebody's traveling light. Nah. Maybe you're getting stronger. Well, I have been eating more.

All you can eat! All you can eat! All right. When you're ready, take this plate over-- Please, don't take the steam tray! Sir! Come on, Bart. If I can teach Maggie to waltz, I can teach you. just follow me. Put your hand on my hip. Okay.

Al, let's have sex! Uh, no, Peg.

And now, some aftershave. Ooh ! Ahh ! Eee ! Son of a-- Oh ! Eee ! And that's how we shave. Doh ! Whoa ! Why, you little-- It was like that when I got here. Oh, that's my boy.

Mom, this is no time to be conservative. Let's roll the dice here. It would be nice to beat those women at their own game. Maybe I should look into a franchise. Greetings, humans. I am Investo the Robot of the planet Opportuniac.

It was either Pops Freshenmeyer... or Homer Simpson.

Maybe it's the TV. Stupid TV. Be more funny! Well, sir, I think it is time to turn this pledge drive... over to Troy McClure. I can't keep up this pace forever.

The Simpsons D'oh! D'Oh!

Ah! Yes. An Incredible Hulk melonballer. (ROARING) Well, I'm glad you'll be able to enjoy it. I think you did the right thing. You didn't want your life to turn out like this.

Standing tall on the wings of my dream Rise and fall on the wings of my dream (HOMER SCREAMING)

Come on, honey. It'll only be till we finish our tour of Sweden.

- You got it! - Hey, Bart! Your epidermis is showing! It is? Oh. Uh, wh-oa-oa! See, epidermis means hair. So technically it's true.

You call him a moron, and he just sits there grinning moronally. Hi, neighbor. You know what your problem is, Flanders?

The idea that someone like that could operate under my very nose is laughable. Well, you all know what laughter sounds like. We now go live to Evergreen Terrace where I'm informed... that former Police Chief Wiggum has captured the Beer Baron.

I'd like another Faberge egg, please. Sir, don't you think you've had enough? I'll tell you when I've had enough!

That's nearly a century from now. Boy, is my face red. Bart ? Bart ! Um, say, is there anything I can do to avoid coming back here ? Oh, sure, yeah, but-- Ah, you wouldn't like it. Oh, okay. See you later, then. Good-bye, Bart. Remember: Lie, cheat, steal and listen to heavy metal music !

Once I kill you, everyone will think I'm the real Homer. None of this seems odd to you?

Could you... give me a... handful of peanuts, - Maude ? - Oh, sure. Not those peanuts. The ones at the bottom. Oh, okay. Ahhh !

Lyrics are the hardest part of songwriting. But when you come up with something meaningful and heartfelt- Boring! Will you stop saying that? But rock stars are supposed to be about drinking and getting drunk and boozing it up.

Hmm. Where the hell is that soothing music coming from? Homer, what's going on? I gave up anger forever. From now on, I'm into candles, soft music and horse tranquilizers. Hmm.

Barney, how did you join the group? They found me on the men's room floor.

"My back is spineless. My belly is yellow. I am the American nonvoter." "Stir in two cups of checks. Sprinkle liberally with balances." "Ding, dong. The sounds of the Liberty Bell. Ding-- freedom. Dong-- opportunity.

The wars of the future... will not be fought on a battlefield or at sea. They will be fought in space. Or possibly on top of a very tall mountain.

Mmm... Ow! This ice cream's too cold! Ow! I cut myself on the cone! (CHUCKLING) Now, now, remember why we're here. To celebrate Jasper's birthday. (SIGHING) Birthday?

Did you say, "cleans and straightens" ? There's no confusion, Tina. just good science.

'cause that's the kind of guy I am this week.

than by reciting the Pledge of Allegiance together. Why don't you lead us, son? Hey, America, you're So fine. You're so fine, you bLow my mind. America.

All right, Simpson. I don't like you, and you don't like me. - I like you. - Um, all right. You like me, but I don't like you. Maybe you would like me if you got to know me. What are you, a comedian?

Too many wee ones!

Then he joined that cult. I think his name is Mother Shabubu now.

Oh, this movie's too complicated. Hey, the floor's sticky. Who's that guy? What did that guy say when I said, "Who's that guy?"

Slow down, you sidewalk-surfin' cube-gleamers!

I know you are, but what am I?

Our $50,000 home video finalists are: "Man Breaking Hip." "Dog on Fire." Ruff! Anyone order a hot dog? Look at him! And finally, "Baby With a Nail Gun." Aw.

Ha, ha! You're not dead yet, you pudgy little pisher. jack La Lanne! Don't worry. I'll save you the jack La Lanne way!

Men, there's a little crippled boy... sitting in the hospital who wants you to win this game. I know because I crippled him myself to inspire you. Well, I hope they win, or Mr. Burns said he's coming back.

You need a forum where they don't even know the meaning of the word entertainment-- - public access television. - Oh. But those shows all look so crummy. We can dress it up a bit. We can bring a fern and a folding chair from the garage, and the most decorative thing of all-- the truth.

Well, children, our new ultra-hard Posturific chairs have arrived. They've been designed by eminent posturologists... to eliminate slouching by the year 3000. Mrs. Krabappel-- I'm having back spasms! I know they seem a little uncomfortable right now. But eventually your bones will change shape.

O Lord, you saved me. I guess you had some higher purpose in mind. Hey! Look out! Oh, dumb-ass. You trying to get yourself killed? Not anymore, Ron. Now I'm looking for something to dedicate my life to. Something noble, but easy. Daddy, stop talking to that bum.

Hey, they're trying to learn for free! Get 'em! Use your phony guns as clubs! Run, children! Start the bus, Otto! Start the bus! Damn! I shouldn't have eaten the mint first.

Well, boys, now it's ourturn. This always made me feel like a man, you know? Now all I got is my enormous genitals.

This is a rather lifeless outing. Don't worry. They're building to something. Oww. Hee-hee-hee. Kids, say no to drugs! Ehh, I could pull a better cartoon out of my a--

And that the wandering Oakland Raiders may someday find a home. Lord, hear our prayer. Can I get an amen to that?

Simpson! See you at reveille, 0500 tomorrow! See you at the I.R.S.! See you in hell! From heaven.

You must be the three chiropractors I sent for. Now, start manipulating my spine. Hey, Moe, we don't know nothin' about manipulatin'. You heard the lady. Grab her spine and get crackin'. Moe is their leader.

They always pick the guy with the wires. Oh, look at those exotic positions. Watching those women is giving me ideas.

Books and cocoa in the same store? What's next, a talking banana? Hmm. Uh, I don't see one, sir. No, of course not. The very notion of a talking banana is absurd.

You're not just impersonating a pilot so you can drink here, are ya? Yeah. That's exactly why I'm here. You flyboys. You crack me up.

Ow ! My foot ! You lousy, stupid, clumsy--

It is the '70s, right down to the smallest detail! Hey, the bartender even looks like John Travolta. Yeah, looks like.

Well, except the mop.

Congratulations, Bart Simpson. You're our new Fallout Boy! That's what I'd be saying to you if you weren't an inch too short. Next!

Why me, Lord? Where have I gone wrong? I've always been nice to people. I don't drink or dance or swear. I've even kept kosher just to be on the safe side. I've done everything the Bible says! Even the stuff that contradicts the other stuff!

Talkin' outta turn, that's a paddlin'. Lookin' out the window, that's a paddlin'. Starin' at my sandals, that's a paddlin'.

the problem here was water leakage. If you just buy a fifty-cent washer-- I've got a better idea. Get the hell out! Look, I've got some washers in my truck. I'll give you one. Marge, get my gun.

Money changed. Get your money changed right here in the temple.

This should be in a museum. Look, I'll tell you what. I'll give you 20 bucks to bury this thing again. This one too.

Oh, God! My head.

Your stomach will swell. Your intestines will writhe and boil. Your eyes will burst, and some horrible stuff--

Gee, Homi, it's not very nice to maul Ranger Ned. - You want some of this? - Uh-uh.

Come on! Somebody crash!

Spin the middle side topwise. Topwise! Now I remember why I put this down here in the first place!

Good morning, everybody. Panic is gripping Springfield as giant advertising mascots rampage through the city. Perhaps it's part of some daring new ad campaign. But what new product could justify such carnage? A cleanser? A fat-free fudge cake that doesn't let you down in the flavor department... like so many others--

Well, Bart, your Uncle Arthur used to have a saying, "Shoot 'em all, and let God sort 'em out." Unfortunately, one day he put his theory into practice. It took 75 federal marshals to bring him down. Now, let's never speak of him again.

Hi, Homer. Since they made me stop drinking, I've regained my balance and diction. Observe. i am the very model of A Modern major general I've informaTion vegeTable animal and mineral Aw, that's nothing. Watch this. There once was a man from Nantucket, who--

To shut myself off from the world and never be seen by human eyes again. Was your second wish to be entered in the Little Miss Springfield Pageant? What are you talking about? I sent in an application for you. I couldn't find a big enough photo, so I sent in... that funny drawing of you on roller skates. How could you? I won't do it!

Check it out! I'm riding some guy named Ironside! Ow, my banana! Danger, danger. Door ajar. The indignity. The agents got all my money. (NEIGHING) I'm bored. Let's go switch the heads on the Cosby kids.

Wake up! Marge, it's 3:00 a.m., and I worked all day. It's 9:30 p.m., and you spent your whole Saturday... drinking beer in Maggie's kiddie pool. Hmm? There you are. Thought you could get away, huh?

All right, guys, pipe down. I got some more in the garage. I'll get it for you, Homer. Hmm. I wonder why he's so eager to go to the garage. The "garage"? Hey, fellas, the "garage." Well, ooh, la-di-da, Mr. Frenchman. What do you call it? A car hole.

I'm actor Troy McClure. You might remember me from such TV series as... Buck Henderson, Union Buster, and Troy and Company's Summertime Smile Factory,

Stop screaming, Homer. Quit trying to control me.

Hello, I'm Dr. Cheeks. I'm doin' my rounds, and, uh, I'm a little behind. He'll be fine.

Compadres, it is imperative that we crush the freedom fighters... before the start of the rainy season. And remember, a shiny new donkey... for whoever brings me the head of Colonel Montoya. Hmm? What? Oh.

Dont you remember? Your apelike incompetence drove my father insane. Frank Grimes. What’s this? "Extremely high voltage." Well, I dont need safety gloves because I'm Homer Simp-

Tonight, a Texas death match-- Dr. Hillbilly versus The Iron Yuppie! One man will actually be unmasked and killed in the ring!

Uh, I'm too nervous. You do it. No, you do it. No, you do it. No, you do it. No, you do it.

Well, Seymour, I made it-- despite your directions. Ah. Superintendent Chalmers. Welcome. I hope you're prepared for an unforgettable luncheon. Yeah. Oh, egads! My roast is ruined.

I got a job at Burns's casino. As you know, it's been my lifelong dream to become a blackjack dealer. Your lifelong dream was to be a contestant on The Gong Show. And you did it in 1977. Remember?

Attention, please. I need a volunteer for a thankless chore. Shall I assume the only hand in the air is Lisa Simpson's? Thank you, Lisa.

Something wrong, Officer? Yep. Got a taillight out. - Where? - Right there. You know, one day, honest citizens are gonna stand up to you crooked cops. They are? Oh, no! Have they set a date?

Okay, watch this. Watch. Do a backflip, Laddie. Ooh! He's so smart! Whoa! And so handsome. Bart, I just love him. Hi, Marge. Hi, Santa's Little Helper. Hi, kid.

Park anywhere. I'm not gonna lay any rule trip on you today. I feel like such a free spirit,

Homer, I need your help. You gotta steal this car and wreck it for me. Steal? Oh, no, you got the wrong guy. You dropped somethin'. Come on, Homer. I'm one of your dearest friends. When everybody said... you were too drunk to drive that time, who gave you your keys? Oh. You did.

Manjula! Oh, Apu, you are such a Brahma queen. Have you come to forgive me? I am willing to take you back. Really? Provided you complete these tasks.

Please do not exit the raft... until it has come to a complete stop. Mr. Silas, this young lady's flashing her privates. Oh! Well, I'll dispose of this! All for Silas. All for Silas.

Dad, it says "Non-Toxic."

Is this seat taken, little girl? - I'm not a girl! Are you blind? - Yes.

He won't escape, sir.

How do you do it, Homer? You take an ordinary bedsheet, fold it around like this-- No. I mean raising kids. I just couldn't cut it today. All I wanted was a little version of me... that I could hold in my arms. Oh, jub jub.

Marge? Yes, Homie? That's it! You people have stood in my way long enough! I'm going to clown college! I don't think any of us expected him to say that.

And that's what really happened. This is an outrage! I am not a clumsy Clouseau-esque waiter! I will-- Whoa! Whoo! Whoo! Ooh! Ow! Ow! Ow! At least there were no big ones. Ay.

Beans, beans, the musical fruit.

Weird Al Yankovic? Homer, Marge wrote me about what happened. As soon as her check cleared, l was on the first reasonably priced flight here. Did you ever get the parody songs I sent you? Yes. Which one was better? Living La Pizza Loca or Another One Bites the Crust'? They were pretty much the same, Homer. Yeah, like you and Allan Sherman.

Yeah, well, you love Moleman. No, you do. You're gay for Moleman! You're gay for Moleman! (BOTH GRUNTING) No one's gay for Moleman. (BOTH GRUNTING)

You have first choice of toys for free-play. Cool! I call the Flintstone phone! Yabba dabba doo! I like talkin' to you!

Nicely done, Wind Dancer.

I'll take a dozen. (CHUCKLES) Do you have a T-shirt with Calvin peeing on Hobbes? Sorry. Ah. Well, what do you got him peeing on? (SIREN BLARES) Well, well, well. Selling T-shirts without a permit. And it looks like one of the lights in your sneakers is out.

Yes? Is the remarkably sexist drivel spouted by Malibu Stacy... intentional, or is it just a horrible mistake? Believe me, we're very mindful of such concerns. Hey, jiggles! Grab a pad and back that gorgeous butt in here. Oh, you. Get away! Ah, don't act like you don't like it.

we'll come up with a commercial that can save your business. You know those radio ads where two people with annoying voices yammer back and forth? I invented those. Ow!

Good news, Bart! The Krusty-o Cereal Corp. has settled your case for $100,000, less, of course, my legal fees. What kind of legal fees? Well, for a case this complex, I had to assemble a crack team of lawyers.

mouse, cat, dog. D-O-G.

All right. This is dedicated to Bart Simpson, with a message: "I am coming to kill you slowly and painfully." Wipeout.

Your monkey bit my kid again! Well, if he would stop wearing the banana suntan lcytion- Say hello to Bob- and Carol and Ted and Alice- Oh, that's it, Gould! And you keep your lousy dog off my lawn!

It's drinking the water! Take it easy, Homer. This is an example of how one little idea, carefully marketed-- This is the greatest invention in the world. You'll make a million dollars. No, that invention is out already.

Sisters are doing it for themselves Hey, why is this door locked?

What would you do if I sang out of tune would you stand up and walk out on me lend Me your ears and I'll Sing you A song I Will try not to sing out of key, yeah

Do you know what he does? He flip-flops! Sometimes he doesn't know whether he's coming or going.

Two: Whenever Poochie's not on screen, all the other characters should be asking, "Where's Poochie?"

At times like this I guess all you can do is laugh.

Sing us a song of the Emerald Isle.

Uh, "Renee, my treasure--" Hey, shut up, or I'll ram a stool down your throat!

the adults always win. For crying out loud, Eddie. You scared the hell out of me. Sorry, Chief.

Instead of chewing gum, chew bacon. You could brush your teeth with milk shakes. Hey, did you go to Hollywood Upstairs Medical College too? And remember, if you're not sure about something, rub it against a piece of paper. If the paper turns clear, it's your window to weight gain.

No. No, not Paris.

i'm supposed to talk to you about Proposition 305. Moochin' war widows.

Oh, my God! There's nothing wrong with the bidet, is there?

Permission denied. Payload checklist. I.R.S. surveillance satellite. Check. Ant farm. Check. Children's letters to God. Check.

The South shall come again. Hello. I'm Mrs. Pennyfeather. I understand you're looking for a nanny. Pleased to meet you. Wait a minute, Marge. I saw Mrs. Doubtfire. This is a man in drag! You're phony! Fakey, phony, fraud!

Hmm. Who or what is Santos L. Halper? Wow! My own credit card! Thanks, Santos! A quarter? You're just the dog that keeps on giving, aren't ya?

When I think about Ned, I can't help but remember the look on his face when Marge drove over-- Homer! Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Oh. Wait. What I'd like to say is we're still looking for the real killers. Anyway, in conclusion, a man cannot be forced to testify against his wife. Stop winking!

I called the Republican tax cuts unwise. And I stand by it. They're unwise. I want my Washington Post! Here's your Washington Post! You like that, Clinton? You traitors pipe down! You're all here because you hate freedom! I'm here because I said imported wines are better than Napa Valley! Yeah? Well, why don't you take a "napa"? (GRUNTS)

The hell I won't. You're forgetting I've got my Powersauce bars. Wake up, Homer. Those bars are just junk. They're made of apple cores and Chinese newspapers. Hey. Deng Xiaoping died.

Aurora borealis.

Heh. Hey. Ooh. Look out.

I told the witch doctor there's tightness iN my cheSt boom, boom, boom, boom I told the witch doctor he had to run A test Hi, sweetie.

(SNORING) Ants! Birds! Cats! Flandereses! (CRYING OUT IN PAIN)

Hello, Principal Skinner. A parent who waives the right to sue says what? What? Got it. Hey, you cant fool us. We're from the "Learn to Fart" state. Bart and Lisa are lost in Capital City and presumed crying. My poor babies!

and only two of those members have special rings. Yeah! I meant our wedding rings.

Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! "Asleep at the switch"? I wasn't asleep. I was drunk! I believe you, Dad. Well, no matter what the paper says, I still have a job to do.

I demand a recount. One for Martin, two for Martin. Would you like another recount ? No. Well, I just wanna make sure. One for Martin, two for Martin. This way, Mr. President.

I'm... an impostor. That man is the real Seymour Skinner. Keep looking shocked and move slowly towards the cake.

I'd better take these batteries just to be sure. Mm-hmm. Mama took those batteries she took 'Em away mama took those batteries size double "A"

Of course, being a highly skilled attorney, my fee is $175 an hour. We pay eight dollars for the night, - and you can take two Popsicles out of the freezer. - Three. - Two. - Okay, two, and I get to keep this old birdcage.

But I worked hard on him, and now he's a whole new person. Mom? He's a whole new person, Lisa. - Oh. I know. - Mmm.

Now we just sit by the mailbox... and watch the money roll in.

Marge, I cant live like this. I'm tired of walking around on eggshells.

One: "Hey, hey, kids, I'm Talkin' Krusty." Two: "Hey, hey! Here comes Slide Show Mel." Again. "Here comes Sideshow Mel. Sideshow Mel." Three. Bada-bing, bada-boom. I'm done. Learn from a professional, kid. Okay, Krusty. We are ready to roll any-- What the--

Ay! Suffering sarcophagus! My tomb! Who did this? Come on, confess. Don't make me slay all the firstborn males again. Bart did it. I saw him do it. Take him away, boys. No! The bush set me up!

because it happens to be aimed at the main support leg of that lookout tower. People don't realize that these cannons are very sensitive, and the slightest jolt could set them off. Of course, for safety reasons, we don't keep the cannon loaded.

I know one of you is responsible for this. So repeat after me: If I withhold the truth, may I go straight to hell, where I will eat naught but burning-hot coals... and drink naught but burning-hot cola. Where fiery demons will punch me in the back,

Thanks, darlin'. See you at the dance.

Do we have a deal? Sure, sure. Boys, stop! You can both marry me! Whoo-hoo! Yippee!

Hey! All right. So, the compression and expansion... of the longitudinal waves cause the erratic oscillation-- you can see it there-- of the neighboring particles. Yes? What is it? What? What is it?

Got to go to work. Go to work-- Ooh, look at them, Smithers-- goldbrickers, layabouts, slugabeds. Little do they realize... their days of suckling at my teat are numbered.

Ooh, he card reads good.

but you can't spell USA without "us," hey?

Will you tell the court your whereabouts at the time of the carjacking? I was alone in me Unabomber-style shack. I had nothing to do with that carjacking. Carjacking? Who said anything about a carjacking? But didn't ya just say-- I'll ask the questions here, Carjacker Willie!

Kids can be so cruel. We can? Thanks, Mom!

Will Milhouse and I be friends at the end of the day? What could come between two bestest buddies like us? Samantha, I've always been suspicious of transfer students.

Reb Krustofski, should I finish college? Yes. No one is poor except he who lacks knowledge. Rabbi, should I have another child? Yes. Another child would be a blessing. Rabbi, should I buy a Chrysler? Could you rephrase that as an ethical question?

Shh-shh. Calm down. Calm down. Moving. You can sit down now. We're still going antiquing on Saturday, right, Mother?

Check out jasper johns. You squeal on me, I'll kill you.

This just in: A robbery is in progress at the National Bank of Springfield. The robbers are equipped with the latest in high-tech weaponry and body armor. Stay back, coppers! Uh, please, everyone! Stay away! We don't want anyone to be a hero!

Bill Clinton? What are you doing here? I called the Republican tax cuts unwise. And I stand by it. They're unwise. I want my Washington Post! Here's your Washington Post! You like that, Clinton?

Ooh, and here, out of the mists of history, the legendary esquilax, a horse with the head of a rabbit...

I quit! I quit! I thought you said you liked dogs. It's enough to drive you crazy if you let it Hey! Who wants to get rich today?

Why do I always think of the perfect thing to say when it's too late? "Shut up, Becky!" Oh, that would have been sweet.

Yeah, nice to see you. Seymour, why is that student lying unconscious on the floor? Well, in many cases, the floor is the best-- Oh, look! Here comes Lumpy, the school snake. Help! Help! Oh, Lord.

Who has the Little Bunny FooFoo lunchbox? Um... That would be me. (ALL LAUGHING) It's not my fault. I can't afford a better lunchbox 'cause I'm poor. (LAUGHING) Shut up! My mom got too fat to work at Hooters! (LAUGHING) They won't even let her park cars!

What do aliens have to do with Halloween? Silence!

If I could walk with the animals Talk with the animals Grunt and squeak and squawk with the animals Good Lord! Doctor Doolittle is Chief Wiggum. This bird's gonna fly! Aaah! It was one lousy applicant after another.

to visit Blockoland, the amusement park made entirely of Blocko brand assembly fun blocks. So, how much did you love Blockoland?

Soul? Come on, Milhouse. There's no such thing as a soul. It's just something they made up to scare kids, like the boogeyman, or Michael jackson.

It makes sex look like a church! I don't think my daughter should hear this. You can't protect her forever, you stupid lady.

since the Middle Ages had no compact disks or Super Mario men, people found entertainment in abusing the village idiot. So let history come alive.

So instead of just shooting pool and drinking beer, let us Stonecutters use what we have... to help the less fortunate. He's gone mad with power like that Albert Schweitzer guy.

I do not-- I do not think-- No. We need a name that's witty at first, but seems less funny each time you hear it. How about the Be Sharps?

They'll never know the simple joys of a monkey knife fight. Give it to him, boy! Give it to him! Thrust! Parry! Stab, stab, stab, stab! Oh, he ain't pretty no more.

I'll take that hardbound Radioactive Man collection. Ah, a superb choice! In volume two, Radioactive Man travels through time... to defeat jesse Owens at the 1936 Olympic games.

Yo! i told you to stop the music, dudes. i'm serious! Oh, oh, oh! You're so not listening!

Ow! Hey, I found a bullet. Man, buffalo are easy to kill. People, if you don't stop this slaughter, you'll wipe out the buffalo.

Leopold. All right. You listen up, you little freaks! The fun stops here. You're gonna shut your stinkin' traps and behave, damn it! This is one substitute you're not gonna screw with! Marge Simpson.

Some folk'll never eat a skunk but then again Some folk'll Like Cletus the Slack-jawed Yokel Hey. What's goin' on on this side? Hey, Brandine. You might could wear these to your job interview.

Fellow citizens, when I learned about the impending crisis, I caught the very next plane to Springfeld... field. First of all, yes, there is a comet in the sky. And, yes, it is going to hit Springfield. You, uh, don't need to applaud that.

- There you go. - Get him up there. Go! Go! Go! We're number one! - Give me a "P"! - "P"!

Where we'll get: a free room, free food, free swimming pool, free HBO-- Ooh! Free Willy!

Hi, Moe. Hey, Homer.

Mr. Flanders, with all due respect, Bart didn't do anything. Do I hear the sound of butting in? It's gotta be little Lisa Simpson, Springfield's answer to a question no one asked! What do we have here? The long flabby arm of the law? The last case you got to the bottom of was a case of Mallomars!

I love you too, Pepsi.

Who will win this year's million-dollar game? Who? Who? Honey. The "X" is for "Extreme." There is no XFL this year. The league folded. Who told you? Last year's M.V.P. He sweeps up toenails at the beauty parlor.

Shh! Undo! Undo!

Huh? What's the matter, Ned? I-- I think I hate Homer Simpson. Marge, I think I hate Ted Koppel. No, wait. I find him informative and witty.

How we danced on the night we were wed Havin' my baby What a lovely way to say how much you love me Nearer my God to thee Nearer to thee

We now return to the 1971 film, Good Time Slim, Uncle Doobie and the Great Frisco Freak-out, starring Troy McClure. Slim, if we've got the bag with the stolen diamonds, then what happened to the bag with our stash? There's more than one way to get high, baby.

All right, Nick. Don't panic. Think back to med school. Seriously, baby. I can prescribe anything I want.

Why did you think a big balloon would stop people? Shut up! That's why.

Oh! Hey, get out of the way, pal. You're blocking the exit. Oh, you want me to stamp your hand so you can get back in? Don't you dare!

I know. I know. Another year together.

Make it stop! No, not another boring space launch. Change the channel! Change the channel! I can't! I can't!

Like we do Man, that guy's guitar is talkin'! Hey, my shoes are talkin' too! Don't worry. We won't hurt you. We only want to have some fun.

Mom's police tape isn't a toy, Dad. Shush, dear. You'll wreck Daddy's fun. Bringing in the sheaves Bringing in the Oh, my Lord. Something horrible has happened! Fooled ya, Flanders.

Sir, if you just quiet down, I'd be happy to treat you to a garbage bag full of popcorn. Oh! This may surprise you, but you can't buy me off with food. I'm sick of all your stereotypes and cheap jokes.

Observatory? This is Bart Simpson. I see something in the sky at 4-12-8 and the last number is 7. Ah, I got you, my rumpy doppleganger.

(ELECTRICAL ZAPPING)

Yes, the Simpsons have come a long way... since an old drunk made humans out of his rabbit characters... to pay off his gambling debts. Who knows what adventures they'll have between now... and the time the show becomes unprofitable? I'm Troy McClure, and I'll leave you with what we all came here to see: hard-core nudity!

Over here we have the "Hick Tub," the "Insta-Rust." That's the "Lightning Magnet." That's the "Tinkler." Whoo! The "Tinkler." I like the sound of that. We'll take it! Is it true we should wait at least an hour after eating before we go in? Look, Question Lady, this job is not what I really do, okay? I play keyboards.

They didn't have any aspirin, so I got you some cigarettes. Maybe my headache will go away once the show starts.

And now our feature presentation. If that's a phrase you like to hear, then you'll love Movie Call! Start the movie! Start the movie! Start the movie! Start the movie! Start the movie! They're out of control.

No. But I am severely tempted to do it over this. - Oh, Homer. - Marge, I'm sorry. I think it's coming down. No, Homer ! No, no ! It's coming down. That's it, Marge. It's coming down. The cable stays. The foot has spoken. - Lemonade ? Please. - Seen it.

Get your germ lab out of here! Now! Now! How could I not become a radical...

Hey, Moe. Whatsa matter? You no talka with your accent no more. Mamma mia.

What is this place? Branson, Missouri. My dad says it's like Vegas if it were run by Ned Flanders.

Are you accusing my husband of misleading you? Good gracious! I should bust a cap in your ass! Mmm, I'll pick, uh, Carl. Lenny and Carl. I kinda like the sound of that. My turn, huh? Let's see. Pick me! Pick me! I got hoop dreams, Coach! I got 'em bad!

Fine and dandy like sour candy!

20th Century Fox is betting... it will.

Aw, you'll do fine. My divorce was tough on my kid, but he got over it. I sleep in a drawer.

Wrong. All beer trucks heading toward Springfield have been diverted. This town will be as dry as a bone. And if the rest of you beer-swilling tube jockeys out there... have a problem with this, talk to Homer Simpson.

Well, nobody makes a sap out of Bartholomew J. Simpson.

Can I help you? I'd like to get my ear pierced. Well, better make it quick, kiddo. In five minutes, this place is becoming a Starbucks.

But eventually your bones will change shape. I've lost all feeling in the left side of my body. Yeah. Yeah. Now, unfortunately our school clocks have been running fast all semester, so today we all have to stay two extra hours to make up for the time we lost. Ha!

I ain't goin' nowhere. I been in this square pert' near 30 seasons, and I ain't a-leavin' now.

Who can tell me the capital of Spain? Bart Simpson. The square root of 36? Bart Simpson. Who freed the slaves? Bart Simpson. Bart Simpson. Bart Simpson. Bart Simpson, will you stop raising your hand? You haven't had one right answer all day. Sorry.

I'd like to place an order for my husband.

And the winner is... Itchy and Scratchy, Abraham Simpson-- rise. All right, Grampa! That was the first time I ever saw Itchy and Scratchy,

I thought this was a secret ballot. Meh. Okay, Aaron A. Aaronson voted for... Bob. Aaron L. Aaronson voted for... Bob.

I mean, it made me feel bad.

The justice League is moving into their new building today.

Hey, shut up, or I'll ram a stool down your throat!

That's why I ran away from home. What? She's leaving home? Wow! Paul McCartney! I read about you in history class. But where's your wife, Linda? Right here, Lisa. Whenever we're in Springfield, we like to hang out in Apu's garden in the shade. We met him in India years ago during the Maharishi days.

Some folk'll never eat a skunk but then again Some folk'll Like Cletus the Slack-jawed Yokel

Oh. Oh ! Oh ! I get it ! You can't fire the players, so you fire the mascot. You make me sick.

Prepare for the end! The end of high prices! What? Ooh. Behold! The grand opening of the Heavenly Hills Mall. Please just follow the angel for all your shopping needs!

I'm Mr. Burns. Blah, blah, blah. Do this, do that. Blah, blah, blah. I think I'm so big. Blah, blah, blah!

Somehow I doubt that Homer is excited. Of all the men you could've married, I don't know why you picked one who's always so rude to us.

You, uh-- Chowderhead? Thanks-- for nothin'! Ha, ha. That was my paralyzed side. Oh, stroke victim, eh? Please, Moe. I don't wanna do this no more. Get up, Curly 4. Curly 4? I need a quarter for the bus.

Linguo... dead? Linguo... is... dead.

Since the beginning of time, man has yearned to destroy the sun. I will do the next best thing-- block it out.

I own the electric company and the waterworks, plus the hotel on Baltic Avenue. That hotel's a dump, and your monopoly's pathetic. The school's oil well is not for sale, particularly to a black-hearted scoundrel like yourself. I see. Then I'll just have to... attack you! I must have that oil.

Everyone's gone! Little Bart. Little Lisa. Little Marge. And the rest!

Uh, Homer, that-- that was yesterday.

And I think that's a stagehand. And I love you too I am you and you are you Oh, you and me together you can see Ha-ha! Next time get a DVD!

Oh, boy! Buffalo testicles!

Yeah, all right. It'll cover the gravy stains.

In high school I was voted most likely to be a mental patient, hillbilly or chimpanzee!

Mr. McClure, what does D.N.A. stand for?

Now we play the waiting game. Ah, the waiting game sucks. Let's play Hungry Hungry Hippos.

Aha! No one's around. The perfect crime. Yow! Do I smell cookies? Where's the cookies? They're all gone, the whole batch. Somebody ate those cookies. Did you eat the cookies, Maggie?

There is no escape from the fortress of the moles! Oh, except that.

This couldn't have less to do with Christmas. And I think that's a stagehand. And I love you too I am you and you are you Oh, you and me together you can see Ha-ha! Next time get a DVD!

A stressed-out Pepsi bottle? Come on.

I failed you as a husband and a provider. And at best I was a B-plus dog. I'll understand if you want to sleep on the couch tonight.

I'll never wash this hand again. Dad, make Bart wash his hand. Sorry, Lise. I no longer control the hand. The hand controls me!

See, Cousin Merl and me was playing fetch with Geech. That's our old smellhound and-- Geech gone to heaven, Mr. Terwilliger.

Ah, 433rd Street. My old neighborhood. Hmm.

Karate! Ow! (CHUCKLING) (GRUNTS) Bart! That hobo skeleton is not a toy!

I know one of you is responsible for this. So repeat after me: If I withhold the truth, may I go straight to hell, where I will eat naught but burning-hot coals... and drink naught but burning-hot cola. Where fiery demons will punch me in the back, where my soul will be chopped into confetti... and strewn upon a parade of murderers and single mothers,

Okay, those berries are poison. Those leaves are poison oak. And your belt is a snake, also poisonous. I'll tell you what's poisonous, your attitude. You know these... (GROANING) I'm dying! But at least people will always remember the expedition of Lewis and Clark and Tweedleburger...

Bart! Dad, hide your shame! Hey, Homie! I can see your doodle. Shut up, Flanders.

You can have the shower to yourself, Homie. I'm finished. Oh, no, you're not. Ohh!

but seems less funny each time you hear it. How about the Be Sharps? Perfect. The Be Sharps. The Be Sharps. The Be Sharps.

Great. Now my testicle's got ants on it.

We gotta kill him! Take it easy, Moe. Let's hear from the Stonecutter World Council... before we act too rashly. Kill him. Kill him. kill the fool. Afraid I have to disagree with Orville, jack and Mr. Can't we just do something to his voice box?

Come on, Homer. japan will be fun. You liked Rashomon. That's not how I remember it. Besides, if we wanna see Japanese people, - we could have gone to the zoo. - Homer! What? The guy who washes the elephants is japanese. His name is Takashi. He's in my book club.

We're goin' home. I'm sick of you and your stupid tonic! If I hadn't taken that stupid tonic 38 years ago, you'd have never been born and I'd have been happy.

Oh, I'm sorry, but that's just how I feel. No, don't apologize. It's time I stopped pretending.

That's okay, Son. I'll take care of him. Faster, Son! He's got a taste for meat now!

And it's time to snatch your mother from his neon claws! Marge! Where are you? Damn this casino! Double stars! Everybody wins! Yea!

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. It's all in the delivery. "Now is the winter of our discontent"-- Oh, no! Run!

Let me check. Phone call for Al-- Al Coholic.

Hi, kids. I love-- Aaah! Aaah!

You know, Smithers, I think I'll donate a million dollars to the local orphanage... when pigs fly. That's a good one. Hey-- Hey-- Wh-wha-- Will you be donating that million dollars now, sir? No. I'd still prefer not.

Check out all the left-wing celebrities. Elmo go to wrong fundraiser.

Chuck Garabedian says you can fly mega cheap... if you don't care where you go. That's right. Just go to the airport and wait for some no-shows. Then you can buy their seats for a fraction of the price. Are you going through our garbage? That's right. You fat cats didn't finish your plankton. Now it's mine.

Oh! Oh! Bono, help me! Don't worry, folks. He'll get the help he needs. In the name of love what more in the name of love My campaign is a disaster, Moe.

Kent O'Brockman live on Main Street where today... everyone is a little bit Irish... except, of course, for the gays and the Italians.

Ye-e-e-es? - Bet you're gettin' tired of that soul, huh? - No!

This has been a Bart-toon presentation. In association with Ay Carumba Entertainment.

D'oh! Freeze, you little shock jocks! Brilliant. They transduced amplitude modulation... via the concavity of that oversized beverage conveyance. I mean, that is some clever "viving."

Ohh-oooh ! Come on, Marge, paint. I think you can do it. Okay, Homer. If you think I can.

but encountered much hardship. (STRAINING) Come spring, they sought help from Native Americans. Long have we awaited the coming of the white man... And Carl. Thanks. And welcome to the United States of America. Have a flag. And while you're at it, cover your nakedness and worship our Lord.

That hotel's a dump, and your monopoly's pathetic. The school's oil well is not for sale, particularly to a black-hearted scoundrel like yourself. I see. Then I'll just have to... attack you! I must have that oil.

Butt out, buttinsky. What would you know about hunting?

I did not come to this country illegally to see it mocked. There's the boy who bared his bottom to Old Glory and the family that applauds his every moonery! They hate our country but they love our soapy water.

Everything I know tells me this story doesn't end... with us sitting here and you telling it to us. Get off the edge of your seat. They got married, had kids and bought a cheap TV.

Hmm. There appears to be a red dot on my trouser front. I'd better lower them. The dot also appears to be on my underpants. Well, down they go. Hey, buddy. You better get that red dot checked out. My uncle died of crotch dot.

Eh. His best friend's a talking pie.

Daddy? Daddy? Where are you, Dad-- So, who wants a Preflight cookie? Fig Newtons? Hydrox? Daddy? Don't look at me! Don't look at me!

- Hey! - Whoo! Hey, hey! Whoo! Yeah, baby! You gol ldidn1 think it was possible...

Help! Eh, slave labor. You get what you pay for.

who can who can - who Can - who can

because it's spankin' season, and I got a hankerin' for some spankerin'.

I'm afraid not. Your father needs your help. You don't want him to get a lobotomy, do you? Hmm... lobotomy. That's all right, son. There's probably a downside I don't see.

We have captured your president. He was delicious. Why, you little... Wait A minute. Does this mean you like my present? Uh-huh. Oh... just promise me you won't play any more practical jokes.

Oh, poor Mr. Costner. He tries so hard. Ah, thanks. You're sweet to say that. Uh, where are you? I'm back here. Hi. Will you bring me a sandwich? Please? No-No crusts.

My God! That's monstrous.

Bart didn't do anything. Do I hear the sound of butting in? It's gotta be little Lisa Simpson, Springfield's answer to a question no one asked! What do we have here? The long flabby arm of the law? The last case you got to the bottom of was a case of Mallomars! Mallomars. Oh, that's going in the act.

Ah, yeah, Clancy. Spell your name. Uh, hey, Lou, could you shake out the last few drops for me? Yeah, no problem, Chief. Seems like a waste of coffee, though.

- Two. - Okay, two, and I get to keep this old birdcage.

just a minute! Don't hang up! No answer at home. I'll call his father. just a minute! Don't hang up! Y'ello? You'll have to speak up. I'm wearing a towel.

How can one ordinary man have so many enemies? I'm a people person... who drinks. Ah.

And I'm teen sensation Britney Spears.

Gavin, don't you already have this game? No, Mom, you idiot! I have Bloodstorm and Bonesquad and Bloodstorm ii, stupid! Oh, I'm sorry, honey.

Marge, I swear I didn't touch her. You know how bashful I am. I can't even say the word "titmouse"... without giggling like a schoolgirl. At any rate, I believe you, and I think you should... go outside and straighten this out. Some of their chants are very catchy and memorable.

Hi. Now, Homer, this is a new body fat analysis test. I start you jiggling and measure how long it takes to stop. Whoo-hoo! Look at that blubber fly!

Someone gouge my eyes! Save me from the ladies!

Oh. Oh, 7:00. The family's just sitting down to dinner. Aww. You call that saying grace?

Attention, H.O.-scale passengers. The dining car is closed. Root beer is still available, but the cost is now 6.50. If the passengers will look to the right, you will see a sad man. That is all.

Oh! I will not be a Gamecock! You will too! No! Go Gamecocks!

No ! The slide is perfectly safe. This was an isolated incident.

The label vanished many years ago. What strange wonders lie inside? Treasure, dog food? Whoa! Some things man is not meant to know. "Show me your"--

Hold on, kids! I'm coming to rescue the lot of ya! I'll-- Oh! I'm bad at this.

Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Whee! Okay. We have our choice of Rectangle Land, Cube Country or Squaresville. Squaresville sounds pretty cool.

I'm so happy. I just had to tell someone.

Um, can you repeat the part of the stuff... where you said all about the... things? Uh, the things?

You treat me like garbage.

- Get out! - Okay, okay. You don't have to yell.

Somebody wanna get this kid a TV? Whoa, gee, thanks, mister. Yeah, just joking. I-i'm jay Leno. Oh. So what can I do for you, huh? Well, if you're running the show, how could you leave out Krusty the Clown?

No, say "Present." "Anita Bath."

The only game in town! Krusty! But how? Coming at you live from the civil defense shack... in the remote Alkali Flats of the Springfield badlands. I'll be beaming out 11 watts of wackiness! Hour after hour of unscripted, unrehearsed comedy,

Hey, look. Our tour guide got a new job. Mmm, quite a promotion. I was wondering what became of him. What happened to President Muntu? I don't want to talk about it. He got overthrown!

I am evil Homer. I am evil Homer. I am evil Homer I am evil Homer.

Then I will hug some snakes. Yes! I will hug and kiss some poisonous snakes!

Play dead! No, run around in circles! No, act like a lion! Swipe at the dominant male! Come on, Ned! Knock that monkey down! jumping kangaroo rats!

Not since this reporter's marriage to Stephanie the weather lady... has this town been so consumed with rumor and innuendo. All because of this man. Today, one Abraham "Grampa" Simpson...

Hmm! Bart, that is a new low. Hey, I'm not saying it's gonna be a dance around the maypole! I won't tell Mom and Dad, but only because I want the dog back. just try not to freak out the blind man. I can't promise I'll try, but I'll try to try.

All students please proceed immediately to an assembly... in the Butthead Memorial Auditorium. Damn it, I wish we hadn't let the students name that one. Children, the times they are a-becoming quite different.

And the next 20 callers will get this album of museum noises. Now your music room can sound... just like the Metropolitan Museum in New York. Outstanding. Why are you torturing me? I'm just a man!

Hey, that felt good. He just said he hates his parents. Do you know what that means? Um, what do you think? It means he's cured. That's what I said. There he is!

Perfect. Okay, guys. We push him out of the way in exactly three seconds. Should we correct for wind resistance? Hmm, possibly. What do you think? Oh, my.

Oh! This may surprise you, but you can't buy me off with food. I'm sick of all your stereotypes and cheap jokes. The overweight individuals in this country... are just as smart and talented and hardworking as everybody else. And they're gonna make their voices heard. All they need is a leader!

Yeah, right. That's the oldest excuse in the book.

Anyone like a draft beer? Beer? Would you like a tall, frosty one, Homer?

Happy Thanksgiving from the entire Channel 6 family including Kent Brockman, who's contractually permitted to replace himself with a cardboard cutout. The real Kent is in a rehab clinic. We all wish him the best... Again.

Dad! You did it, Nibbles! Now, chew through my ball sack. Huh? Skinner!

Uh-- Hmm. Well, dog my cats. They's dis-apporated. Keep quiet, Huck. They won't look up here if nothing draws their attention. Old man river That old man river

Ladies and gentlemen, may I invite you to behold... Montgomery Burns. Smithers. Ohh. Doh ! I don't care for this at all.

Oh! Well, it's still the best thing in this class. Num, num, num, num, num. A-minus. Lisa Simpson, master of the double life.

dancing? Whoa. Ooh. Oh, yeah.

Here. Let me read to you from my play. "'Kippers for breakfast, Aunt Helga? "Is it St. Swiven's Day already?' ''Tis,' replied Aunt Helga."

There's nothin' on that helicopter for me. Don't be so sure. Carl Carlson?

Sign, sign, everywhere a sign Blockin' out the scenery Breakin' my mind Do this, don't do that Can't you read the sign? (CHANTING) Gamble, gamble, gamble!

Stupid pothole. Don't worry, head. The computer will do our thinking now.

Ebenezer Burns? Yeah, he's over here. How ya doin' there? Freshen your pipe? Anybody need a let me down? Whoa, whoa, heads up there, buddy. Rat's gnawing off your toe. (EXHALES)

Just jump over there, Alec. It's not that far. Yeah, you're a big screen tough guy.

Do you have anything by Robert Ludlum? Get out. Look at the outrageous markup. You magnificent bastard. I salute you! I just got a bunch of fruity Easter eggs.

Can we have a pool, Dad? Can we have a pool, Dad? Can we-- I understand. Let us celebrate our new arrangement with the adding of chocolate to milk.

Oh, the hell with this! A fellow came in asking for change for a dollar. I gave him three quarters by mistake. Took me the whole afternoon to find him. Todd, would you like mixed vegetables? Hell no. What did you say? I don't want any damn vegetables. All right. No Bible stories for you tonight.

Okay, let's make this sporting, Leonard. If you can tell me why I shouldn't fire you without using the letter "E," you can keep your job. Uh, okay. Um-- I'm a good work-- guy. You're fired. But I didn't say-- You will. Eeeeeeee!

Slow down, tubby. You're not on the moon yet.

Please look at my MedicAlert bracelet. Ooh. Hey, hey. Come in!

Class, instead of going to the box factory today, we'll be going to the... box factory. Damn TV! You've ruined my imagination... just like you've ruined my ability to-- to, um-- uh-- Oh, well.

Skinner! Uh, Superintendent Chalmers.

This just in, a monster tornado is tearing through Dayton, Ohio! (GASPING) That's where Mom and Dad are! KENT: Looks like the twister is headed right for the Dayton Arms Hotel! ALL: Ahhh! They might not be dead. They could be in the basement.

Why do you want Bart? He's not much of a singer. Marge, it's not the singing that brings in the Sacagaweas. Bart's a rebel. And that's what I need for my new band, the Party Posse. Now hold on. I have some concerns. Please, Mom. My dream is to be a rock star! And my dream is to get rid of Bart.

What were you thinking? I mean, thank you. Come again.

Zinc, come back. Zinc! Zinc, zinc!

No, you don't understand. I really tried this time. I really tried. There, there. This is as good as I can do, and I still failed. Well, a 59, it's a high "F." Who am I kidding ? I really am a failure.

Did it strike you as odd that in a Super Bowl show with Dolly Parton, we didn't see any football or singing?

Mighty Yamses, we are weary of building your food pyramid. Let my pickles go!

Products you could only imagine before-- the s.s. Microwave. Ah, my crÊpes are done.

Maybe we should be listening to him now.

Family to Dad. Family to Dad. Come in, Dad. Uh, I'm pretty sure he's dead, little girl. Here. Have a Powersauce bar. It's on the house.

The idea that someone like that could operate under my very nose is laughable. Well, you all know what laughter sounds like.

Wow! You mean, you were one of the original Little Rascals? Yeah. Which one were you? The ugly one? Were you the ugly one? No, I was the tough kid. Smelly. My shtick was lookin' into an exhaust pipe and gettin' a face full of soot. Nobody could do that better than me. Of course, it was kinda hard to think of reasons...

I'm not greedy. As long as I've got my health and my millions of dollars... and my gold house and my rocket car, - I don't need anything else. - Yes, but-- Not interested.

Whoa ! You certainly have a lot of bowling trophies. I like you so much.

Ow! What the hell is wrong with you? Gee! Sorry! It's a pretty standard stunt, Homer.

Oh, why'd she have to leave me? Hi, Abe. We heard you was in need of some cheering up. So we got you a special cake. Uh-oh. Better call the nurse.

It's time to take out the trash. I'll get you for this, Midler!

Well, I wish someone had read the book... since I did invite the author, Helen Fielding. Oh, never mind. As long as they all bought the book, I'll still get the money. Besides, most Americans cant understand the sophisticated subtlety of British humor. I bid you good day.

Hmm. This could be useful.

Dental plan! Lisa needs braces.

Well, the ape's going to stand around for three hours or so. Then we'll close with the ethnic comedy of Dugan and Dershowitz. Sensational! Ladies and gentlemen, in his native land, he was a king. But he comes before you in chains for your own amusement.

No, you idiot ! I'm ignoring you ! You made me miss the last precious moments of Bea's life ! I'll never speak to you again ! I have no son !

Hey, man. I didn't do anything wrong !

Come on. Don't be stuck-up. It's going to be great. Well, why not? This party's just getting started! Stop the celebration! That small boy is drunk!

Homer, come home with me. No, Marge, I can't. I mean, look at me. I'm a trainee.

Before a riot could break out, jimmy Carter came to the rescue with his comedy break dancing. Got a brother named Billy and my teeth look silly Break it down now Whoa! Whoa! Come on, you! I'll get--

No, I want to do the crossword puzzle ! - I said, give me that puzzle. - No. - Give me ! Give me ! - No ! NO ! Heh-heh-heh. Well, I guess I can't help you, but I know someone who can.

Psst! Marge, over here. Oh, Jack. You threw it all away over a stupid feud with Skinner. Look, I'll admit I hate Skinner. But I didn't start that fire.

the bone-cracking physical comedy... Ow! My leg! that made him a star. This is the worst pain ever! - Ow! - Stop pummeling me! It's really painful! Why did I take such punishment? Let's just say that fame was like a drug. But what was even more like a drug was the drugs. But despite their mounting problems,

Lise, check it out. Time for chili.

I'm a mur-diddly-urgler!

Okay, folks, show's over. Nothing to see here. Show's-- Oh, my God! A horrible plane crash!

- That does it ! - Whoa !

- Smithers, tip over this table for me. - Yes, sir. Homer. Homer. Make them stop. Uh, Mr. Burns. Mr. Burns. Shut up and wreck something. Mr. Burns, I hardly see...

Homer! Marge! Holy cow, you're as big as a house! Homer, come home with me. No, Marge, I can't. I mean, look at me. I'm a trainee. They won't even tell me what's in the secret sauce.

Aaah! No! It's dripping funny-smelling water all over me!

Under the sea There'll be no accusations Just friendly crustaceans Under the sea

All right. All right. You win for now, but someday you'll rust! Rust, I tell ya! Dad. Dad?

This is Kent Brockman reporting from... my own home... in accordance with the new curfew for anyone under 70. Mm, I can't believe that passed. I warned you guys that seniors always vote in record numbers. The controversial measure passed by a single vote.

I thought you had your own court. He did, but he had it converted into a human chessboard. Hey, Burns has been gone for a while. Let's make a run for it. Come back, fools! Protect me.

Oh, I don't know. See this, Bart?

I won't allow you to spend any more time away from your family. You're standing in the way of my boyhood dream... of managing a beautiful country singer! Your boyhood dream was to eat the world's biggest hoagie. You did it at the county fair last year, remember? Lurleen will be a big success, and I'll be there. Fine. See if I care!

The Muppets Go Medieval. Oh, Princess fair, whilst thou grant me thine dainty hoof in marriage? Oh, Sir Liesalot, I will! Mmm. Unhand the swine, you swain. Come, Piggy. Back to Hamelot. Not now, frog. Me and iron-Pants are just getting acquainted.

That's a beauty! Forget about that house. That's the Murder House. Ooh, I remember. Mrs. Astor was very lucky. Well, no one expects you to sell that house. But you'd better sell something. Because cubicles are for closers, Marge.

That's because I forgot to stamp it! Ah, that kid slays me.

Great material. We'll be right back.

Shh! Oh, boy! Buffalo testicles!

Wait a minute. Bart's teacher is named Krabappel? I've been calling her Crandall. Why didn't someone tell me? Oh, I've been making an idiot out of myself!

Yeah. Call this an unfair generalization if you must, but old people are no good at everything.

Cat in the furnace.

- Cool. - Bart, stop pestering Satan!

That's one fine-looking barbecue pit. Why doesn't mine look like that? Why? Da-- Why?

Well, I guess you'll wanna come in. - Okay. - "Okay."

You're just finished, that's all. Finished? It happens all the time. That's show business for you. One day, you're the most important guy who ever lived. The next day, you're some schmo working in a box factory. I heard that! Boy, show business is kind of cruel, isn't it?

Okay, then I'm gonna start kicking air like this. And if any part of you should feel that air-- it's your own fault.

I'm begging you! I'm a human being! Let me have my dignity back! Mm-hmm. D'oh! Let me down, Chief. I'm beggin' ya! I'm a human being. Let me have my dignity back! Ow!

You really think it's a good idea to give that freak his job back?

Mm-mm-mm. What up, Marge?

Homer, I thought you were an animal, but your daughter said you were a decent man. I guess she was right. You're both right.

Great Caesar's Ghost! A talking Krusty doll! I'm Krusty the Clown, and I love you very much. Oh, Dad, this is the best birthday I've ever had. That doll is evil, I tells ya. Evil! E-E-Evil!

I've been waiting for you. Come in, my captivating one.

Come on, Marge. Let me carry you over the threshold. Okay, but watch out. Don't slam my head like last time. Sheesh ! Eleven years ago, and you've never forgotten it ! Don't muss my hair ! Ohh ! Oh ! Oh ! Yi ! Oh ! Yeow ! Whee ! This is fun !

Marge, this may not be the most appropriate forum for what I'm about to put forth, but... would you go to the prom with me ?

You poor man. Let me help you up.

Uh, what do you like, Lisa? "Viomalin"? "Tubamaba"? "Oboemoboe"? That one. Oh, "saxomaphone." Two hundred dollars?

It could be anything. It could be a mutant from the nuclear plant. Oh, fiddle-faddle. Everyone knows our mutants have flippers. Ooh, oops. I've said too much. Smithers, use the amnesia ray. You mean, the revolver, sir? Precisely. Be sure to wipe your own memory clear when you're finished.

Moe, I'm going to help you reopen your bar, no matter what it takes. Mr. Simpson, for a loan this big, you'll have to put up your house as collateral. Put up my house? But I just paid it off. What would Marge say? Do whatever you have to do to save Moe's. I love my Homie.

Oh! I will not be a Gamecock! You will too! No! Go Gamecocks! Noooo!

Baby to Marge. Baby to Marge. Wah! Wah! Over.

Take that! In the face! You knocked his block off! Come with me. Check it out. I built myself a healthy apple.

Fondest wishes--" Oh, I can't make out the signature! Keep digging. We're bound to find something. Mmm. I guess we're not going to find anything. Uh, how are we gonna get out of here? We'll dig our way out! No, no. Dig up, stupid.

Your whole life you never said one nice thing to me. That's 'cause you're a screwup! You're the screwup! Why, you little-- All right! All right! That's it! We're goin' home. I'm sick of you and your stupid tonic! If I hadn't taken that stupid tonic 38 years ago,

My father would drone on and on about America. He thought it was the greatest thing since sliced bread, sliced bread having been invented the previous winter.

see my vest see my vest oh, please won't you see my vest I really like the vest. I gathered, yeah.

No. And if they don't get here soon, it'll be T.S. for them. I don't feel right.

It's just a damn popularity contest with you kids. Now look what you've done, you little freaks!

Good-bye, Shary Bobbins! Thanks for everything. So long, Superman. Do you think we'll ever see her again? I'm sure we will, honey. I'm sure we will.

Finally, I said, "So do it. Either or get off the pot."

This is one more Emmy than you'll ever win... you bantering jack-in-the-box! just don't drop it in the shower. No-talent, shill! Second banana! Panderer! Bore! Uh, now for the highlight of the evening-- Best film-to-video transfer.

Your wife has paid your bail, Mr. Simpson-san. Thank God. Couldn't take another minute in this hellhole.

Or what? You'll release the dogs or the bees, or dogs with bees in their mouth, and when they bark, they shoot bees at you?

What if they botch it? I won't have a dad... for a while.

Hockey puck! Don Rickles zinged you, Marge. Dust! Eat my dust, dust. Oops.

I'm gonna be playing this tightly wound convenience-store clerk, And, you know, I kinda like to research my roles and really get into it. For instance, True Believer. I actually worked in a law firm for two months. And in the film Chaplin-- I had a little cameo in that-- I actually traveled in time back to the '20s where-- Well, I-i've said too much.

Well, why isn't my baby gaining weight? Because it's made of plastic. I see. What you need is a good, long rest. I suggest Florida. Florida? But that's America's wang. They prefer The Sunshine State.

Now, a brilliant jazz musician who's inspired me to do some improv poetry. Twinkle, twinkle, groovy cat. How I wonder where you at. I really love the way you cook. just like me when I wrote this book. How to Make Love to Steve Allen,

Yabba-dabba-doo!

You got the dud! Hey, he looks just like you, Poindexter!

Oh, this is the worst party ever. I don't know. Remember that New Year's Eve at Lenny's? He didn't even have a clock. Oh, Marge, I thought it would be fun to be on Springfield's A-list,

Time to make Paul's breakfast. Hey, Paul, flapjacks! Flapjacks! Out of the frying pan!

I want more! Yeah, me too. We'll take a bushel or a pack or-- just give it to me! Yech! Can I interest you in a mincemeat pie? - They're very-- - Does it have tomacco in it? No, but I use only the-- Pass! I was here first. Come on, come on, people!

All you have to do is sign a paper that says I can have your soul. I need a soul, Ralph. Any soul. Yours! Hey! What's going on over there?

- Thanks for coming. - I please to aim. I'm so happy. I just had to tell someone.

Ooh! If I could just-- Ooh!

steps up to greet me raindrops keep fallin' on my head but that doesn't mean my eyes Will Soon be turnin' Red

This has been a Gracie Films presentation. Shh. English - US - Line 21

Hi, Lisa. Hi, Super Nintendo Chalmers. I'm "learnding."

and I couldn't help overhearing that you need a babysitter. Of course, being a highly skilled attorney, my fee is $175 an hour. We pay eight dollars for the night, - and you can take two Popsicles out of the freezer. - Three. - Two. - Okay, two, and I get to keep this old birdcage. - Done. - Still got it.

There's only one thing to do at a moment like this: strut!

They call me mellow yellow Quite rightly This fellow never bellows Quite rightly Mmm.

Well, well, well W-W-W-W-W-W-well, well, well You know something? He did say "well" a lot. Well, well, well w-w-Well, w-w-well Well, well, w-w-w-well Well, well, well, well More. Come along. Keep going.

My marketing plan attracted a record number... of police and fire officials, but few stayed to bowl. I failed. Quitting my dream job was the hardest thing I've ever done.

Don't worry. Being eaten by a crocodile... is just like going to sleep... in a giant blender.

Hello, St. Louis! That's Springfield, Steven. Oh, yeah. Right.

Oh, Abe! You've aged terribly. What do you expect? You left me to raise the boy on my own! I had to leave! But you didn't have to tell Homer I was dead! It was either that or tell him his mother was a wanted criminal!

J Even if it was just a brief cameo JJ

Hey. Let's do that 2,000-pound man thing. I'll be that Carl Reiner guy, and you be what's-his-face. Homer, it's not that easy. It takes the genius of Carl Reiner and the rhythm and timing that only he and I-- Sir, today every country has a national anthem. Did they have national anthems 2,000 years ago? Sure. Sure we had. Of course we was caves.

Homer Simpson? So, you finally learned my name, eh? Homer Simpson. I've got no time for your demented parlor games. You won't be telling anyone else that Homer Simpson shot you.

You sold my little girl a shoddy Eiffel Tower. Hey, tough luck, pal. You can't fight the souvenir industry.

Okay, open your eyes. It's a handgun. Isn't it great? This is the trigger, and this is the thing you point at whatever you want to die. Homer, I don't want guns in my house! Don't you remember when Maggie shot Mr. Burns? I thought Smithers did it. That would have made a lot more sense.

Hmm? Sir, I represent the estate of Charles Chaplin. I have a court order demanding an immediate halt... to this unauthorized imitation. Boys!

I hate myself. Ooh! Here's a wonderful speaker, Geoff Jenkins.

Ah. I love these real Saturdays. They're so relaxing. Not like that fake Saturday that almost got me fired.

That board with the nail in it may have defeated us, but the humans won't stop there. They'll make bigger boards and bigger nails. Soon they will make a board with a nail so big, it will destroy them all!

Hey, baby, get comfortable. Relax. It's a little hot for that cheerleader outfit, don't you think? You think your dirty socks can stop me? Well, they are making me dizzy.

Except for Marge. Marge, you tested positive for crack and P.C.P. Oh, my! Okay, the retest says you're clean. Sorry about the mistake. The only thing I'm high on is love-- love for my son and daughters. Yes, a little L.S.D. is all I need. All right. Sounds very good.

Hey! I thought I told you to stop licking my windows. I know. You told me. And when I woke up this morning, I said, "Barney, you're not gonna lick that man's--"

I'm still hungry. Didn't you eat enough of your friends? Those were my friends?

w'w' f Theme Song] Do you like my new shirt? It says "Reggae Hairstyle Rock n’ Roll." Could I be more Japanese? You are the emperor of last year. Your comeback shames me.

Mm-hmm-hmm... mm-hmm... That's one big check.

Hello? Yes, Governor! No, Governor. It's not too late. Yes, Governor. I'll tell him right away. The governor says he hopes you're a twitcher. Oh, yes!

Maybe you should give him another chance. No. He's gotta learn, Marge. The way my dad made me learn. He is your dad. Cosmic.

Oh, can't you see this man isn't a hero? He's annoying. He's very, very annoying! Well, Ned Flanders is just jealous. Ah, the guy's hepped up on goofballs. Let's sacrifice him to our God! Come on. We did it all the time in the '30s.

I was wrong to have a dream, wrong as usual. I mean, if you're nothing special, why kid yourself? Oh, Mom, no. Listen to your mother, kids. Aim low. Aim so low, no one will even care if you succeed.

You are watching Fox. We are watching Fox.

Where are the new knockers the taxpayers paid for'? Hmm. You’re right. That's, like, flatsville. Then where did I put those implants? What on earth have you done? My McGuppies became bazongas! Great Ceausescu’s ghost! Are those real? Oh. Oh, right.

Don't worry. Being eaten by a crocodile... is just like going to sleep... in a giant blender. Wonder where this river goes.

It's america's funniest tornadoes. Ooh!

Early to bed. Early to rise. Ya think-- Ya think you're better than me? Huh?

(MUSIC PLAYING)

- Whew! - Whew! Whew! Oh! No! You got the black one.

Somethin' must've spooked 'em good. Yah! Stupid cows! Yah!

What were their names? Dennis, Brianna, Mavis, Brad--

Here in my car I am hosing off blood Some of it's mine but most of it's not Here's Marge Homie, I finished my novel.

You're lucky. You only joined the junior Campers. I got a dirty word shaved into the back of my head. What is it with you kids and that word? I'm going to shave you bald, young man, until you learn that hair is not a right-- it's a privilege.

Hey, kids! Nachos, Flanders-style! That's cucumbers with cottage cheese!

Can you spell "scabies'"? S-C-A-B-I-E-S. Rubella, we got you a middle name. You aint supposed to hold her like that. Spell "AC/DC." A-C-D-C. Uh-uh. You forgot the lightning bolt.

All of those people are cut. Bill Schultz and Wolf and Silverman. Goldreyer. O'Brien, Doyle, Selman, I don't know what you-- Elliott, I-- I don't know what you're doing here because you're all cut. Pietila, Bridge and "Kuwawahawa."

Hey. I know where there's lots of paper. Dad, you're not supposed to have fun recycling. This is serious. Oh. Okay.

No, you fool! That elephant ate my entire platoon.

Krusty, say something funny. Oh, gee, a joke, huh? Um... uh... funny... Okay, this guy walks into a bar... and takes out a tiny piano and a 12-inch pianist... Oh, no, wait. I can't tell that one.

and i just want to Be - want to be - close to you you make me feel so alive 'Cause you make me feel

There's someone in here who wants to meet you. Well, Bart, what do you think of little Lisa? I hate you.

Oh, baby. This was a wonderful idea, Homie. Mmm!

Don't be discouraged, son. I bet Einstein turned himself all sorts of colors... before he invented the lightbulb.

Yellow matter custard... dripping from a dead dog's eye. I don't feel so fab.

We should be careful... not to speak... unless it's... absolutely, positively necessary.

You can't treat the workingman this way! One day, we'll form a union and get the fair and equitable treatment we deserve. Then we'll go too far and get corrupt and shiftless, and the japanese will eat us alive!

What's Santa's Little Helper doing to that dog? Uh-oh. It looks like he's trying to jump over her, but he can't quite make it. Come on, boy. You can do it!

Oh, why won't anyone give me an award? You won a Grammy. I mean an award that's worth winning!

Come on, Waylon. - Make love to me the way you used to. - No.

Now, about your punishment, young man. I know. I'll go to my room and think about what I did. Oh, no, your room is full of toys. You're going to the, uh, garage. You're the boss. I tell you, Chief. I just don't know what we're going to do with him. You know, you do have options.

First it started falling over, and then it fell over.

Yo! i told you to stop the music, dudes. i'm serious! Oh, oh, oh! You're so not listening!

¡Ay, Ay, Ay! ¡La policÍA!

Twenty more terms.

Hey, give me a break. Living through Lisa is the healthiest thing that ever happened to me. But, Dad, you don't need to help me by humiliating people! (SCOFFS) You love sausage, but you hate to see it getting made. I don't love sausage! Then would you like to see it getting made? Dad, you're fired!

Krusty clowned his way to the top of a personal mini-empire... with dozens of endorsements, including his own line of pork products. This may have led to one of television's best-loved bloopers-- Krusty's near-fatal, on-the-air heart attack in 1986. Wasn't that a great Itchy and Scratchy cartoon, kids ? Well, we've got another one coming right up.

We've all heard of a laugh riot, but a prison riot? Kent Brockman high above Montgomery Burns State Penitentiary,

There sure are a lot of ugly people in your neighborhood. Ooh! Look at that one! Oh, my glaucoma just got worse. The president is a demi-crat! Hello? I can't unbuckle my seat belt. Hello!

The Simpsons are riding the rails!

I'd like to talk about a subject... that is very important to me. The Boy Scouts of America have molded men... for over 100 years, and-- - What are you-- - Oh! Uh, how's your wife Nancy? - Betty. - Who cares?

(GRUNTS) Oh, my God, that man might be hurt! Guards, there's a prisoner in there! Nice nab, Simpson.

I'm a level-five vegan. I won't eat anything that casts a shadow. Wow. Um-- I started an organic compost pile at home. Only at home? You mean you don't pocket-mulch?

Whoa! Me rikey velly much!

Gentlemen, you've both worked very hard. And in a way, you're both winners. But in another more accurate way, Barney is the winner. Mmm. Congratulations, Barney.

So if you don't want to see crude, lowbrow programming disappear from the airwaves, please, call now. Hello! Murdoch here. $10,000! You've saved my network. Wouldn't be the first time.

We now return... to a very late episode of The Three Stooges-- "Brittle Boneheads." There! Take it easy, Moe. He don't have health insurance.

- So I think I'll stay right here, neighbor. - Is that so? Well, sleazy entertainment and raunchy jokes... will never be as popular as sobriety and self-denial. You're about to learn the two most dangerous words... in the English language are "Marge Simpson."

I really just came home to change into a turtleneck. Seymour, sit! In the morning. Oh, Mom, I'm borrowing your car.

Do you really think we can afford it ? Nothing a month ? Yeah, I think we can swing that. Mmm. Are you sure this is legal ?

Nighty-night, my sweet little foundling-a-dings. But it's only 7:00. Yeah! The sun is still out! Ohh!

It's already wiped out the dodo, the cuckoo and the ne-ne, and it has nasty plans for the booby, the titmouse, the woodcock and the titpecker. How vile. The one thing that mystifies me is... how a Bolivian lizard made it to Springfield.

Oh, my Lord, she's dead!

Oh, no! Bette Midler!

Well, your story is very compelling, Mr. jackass-- I mean, Simpson. So, I'll just type it up on my invisible typewriter. You don't have to humiliate me.

Time to get up, Lisa. It's a school day. Lisa, you don't look well. I'll make it, Mom. just tape my lunch box to my hand.

I'm a small man in some ways, Bart. A small, petty man. Three months detention. Wait a minute, Bart. Make that... four months detention.

his name sounds good in your ear but when you say it you mustn't fear 'cause his name can be said by anyone Ah! Max Power! How's every little thing?

Example. Well, at McDonald's you can buy a Krusty Burger with cheese. But they don't call it a Krusty Burger with cheese. Get out. Well, what do they call it? A Quarter Pounder with cheese. Quarter Pounder with cheese? Well, I can picture the cheese, but, uh-- Do they have Krusty partially gelatinated nondairy gum-based beverages?

"Do Shut Up"? It's about a hard-drinking yet loving family of soccer hooligans. If they're not having a go with a bird, they're having a row with a wanker. Cheeky.

We're goin' home. I'm sick of you and your stupid tonic! If I hadn't taken that stupid tonic 38 years ago, you'd have never been born and I'd have been happy. You were an accident!

Chef Roderigo, what are you up to? Taste for yourself, Troy. Mm-mm-mmm! That can't be good for me. It tastes too good. That's where you're wrong. This whole pot is only 14 calories.

All right! Everybody in the pool! - 'Tis a fine barn, but sure 'tis no pool, English. - D'oh-ith! Is it a pool yet? Yes, Dad. Whoo-hoo!

Well, good night, Son. Um, Dad? Yeah? What is the mind? Is it just a system of impulses,

(GRUNTING) Ugh! This one keeps eating himself. (MUNCHING) Hello? Octopuses, I'm done. Am I the only one here who's in horrible pain? You're the only one who won't shut up about it!

You... Why, you little... (CHOKING) You need a reason for strangling, do you... I'll fix your wagon... (CELL PHONE RINGS) Hello?

I'm Homer Simpson. Ned Flanders lives over there. Oh.

Well, Krusty, as you may remember, after I tried to frame you for armed robbery, I tried to murder Selma Bouvier. Let's see. I rigged the mayoral elections, I tried to blow up Springfield with a nuclear device, and I tried to kill you. Oh, yeah, yeah. And whenever I could find a spare moment, I've tried to murder... Bart Simpson.

Hey, Moe. You got change for a five? Yeah, sure thing, Lenny. A snake in the cash register! Great prank, fellas. Great. Oh, I'm gonna be sick tonight.

Lisa, gym isn't just about encouraging fitness,

- Marge! Marge, look! - Oh, my God! The doll's trying to kill me, and the toaster's been laughing at me. Eww! Dog water. Your doll is trying to kill my husband! Yes, I'll hold.

(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING) Oh, dear Lord. Check it out, ladies. A suit that makes me completely invulnerable to bear attacks. (GASPING) Homer, there's no rear on that thing.

- Some Indians took all the- - f Homer's Voice] McNuggets. Mmm, McNuggets. f Sia vering f i ii get those no-good indians. .. - fast as sure as my favorite book is- - f Homer's Voice] Magazines. f Homer Snoring f - f Bats Voice] Wake up, Dad. - [Homer's Voice f Huh? What?

"And he shall turn the heart of the fathers to the children, "and the heart of the children to their fathers, lest I come and smite the earth with a curse." Well, that's it. We'll get some coffee. We'll get some matzo ball soup. I love the San Antonio Spurs, by the way. I think they're gonna win it all.

But what if... I were to purchase fast food and disguise it as my own cooking? Delightfully devilish, Seymour. Ah--

That's why I love elementary school, Edna. The children believe anything you tell them.

Hi, I'm Troy McClure. You may remember me from such nature films as Earwigs-- Eew!... and Man vs. Nature-- The Road to Victory.

Well, he is building a soap box derby racer! Oh, that would be perfect. Dear God! Not again!

Oh, my. Gracias, seÑor. De nada. If you ever need me, just ring. Does anyone have any jumper cables?

Butch Patrick! That's right. I was TV's Eddie Munster. And being in the public eye didn't mess me up one bit. Mm-hmm. Well, obviously. Hey, one question, Eddie.

Release the hounds. Well, neighbor I see you've got your running shoes on. That's a good thing. What's wrong with Crippler? He's getting on, sir.

Ever do the back-seat mambo, Craigie? I know that voice. TV's bottomless chum bucket has claimed Vanessa Redgrave! Now I'm gonna haul ass to lollapalooza. Yee-haw! Farewell, dear 'Nessa.

Well, I know who you are. And here's something to help you never forget. I already have one of those.

Yeah. That's his stomach eating itself. It's such a beautiful day. Where are the crowds? Duffman is thrusting in the direction of the problem. Hmm. People seem to be drawn to that kook. Maybe we can exploit him.

Take that, Mom! Take that, Dad! Send me to a psychiatrist, will you? Take that, Dr. Sally Waxler!

Now, before you enter, you're going to have to make a very difficult choice. You're only allowed to take one parent with you. Mom. Love ya lots! Good-bye, Lisa. Remember me as I am-- filled with murderous rage!

As your life partner, I'm very worried.

Perhaps a stick of gum will lighten your mood. It always has in the past. Ow! (BOTH LAUGHING) Finger pain? I thought I had gum coming! That tears it! (GROANS) I've been smiling for 47 years, and you two broke my streak!

I believe I had a hat. Suckers!

which was the style at the time. Now, to take the ferry cost a nickel. And in those days, nickels had pictures of bumblebees on 'em. "Give me five bees for a quarter," you'd say. Now, where were we? Oh, yeah! The important thing was that I had an onion on my belt,

Ah, my plan has come to fruition. Soon I'll be queen of summertime. Oh. King. King!

Godspeed, little doodle.

Mrs. Van Houten, I'm Bart's mother. We met when the boys drank paint. I remember. Please come in.

Where were you planning to keep this horse? I've got it figured out. By day, it will roam free around the neighborhood and at night, it will nestle snugly between the cars in our garage.

Oh, look at that adorable spice rack. Eight spices. Oh, some must be doubles. "oregano"? What the hell? Marge, we're missing the chili! Less artsy, more fartsy! Homer, I happen to like handicrafts much more than stuffing my face.

Okay, you will die a terrible, terrible death. But I-- Thank you for calling Radio Psychic. Do you have a song request? "It's Raining Men!"

but it's going to stop now! Leopold. All right. You listen up, you little freaks! The fun stops here. You're gonna shut your stinkin' traps and behave, damn it! This is one substitute you're not gonna screw with! Marge Simpson.

Darling one: Read my words and hear my heart... speak of a love, soft and undying. A love that will be with you always. Sincerely, Yada-yada-yada. That's marvelous. How did you think of that so fast? I... sent it to you on your birthday. Excuse me. I have something in my eye. Hmm.

Seamus, uh, we won't need you to speak anymore. What? Oh, this is your doing, Willie. I'll turn your groin to puddin'! Oh, you speak like a poet, but you punch like one too! Oh! Oh, ya bastard!

Well, it's about time you two woke up. Well, of course. It-- Who are you? Who am I? I'm Mrs. Ned Flanders. G'ah! Hey, smooth move, Flanders. And I'm Mrs. Homer Simpson.

Why, you cotton-pickin'-- Hey!

This is what all those hours of playing Tetris were for. w'w' f Tetris Theme f

We're jamming to think that jamming wAs A thing of the past we're jamming Hey, man! I'm jamming! And i hope thiS time it's gonnA last hope you like jamming Shh! Jamming

We're trapped! Lisa, we may not make it.

Now, when I say, "Hello, Mr. Thompson"... and press down on your foot, you smile and nod. No problem. Hello, Mr. Thompson. I think he's talking to you.

Dad, have you seen the girls they have in those contests? Hubba, hubba!

Hey, fellas, good news. I found an extra 75-watt bulb lying around. D'oh!

"Where's the beef?" No wonder he won Minnesota.

Abe, tell 'em about your amazing life. I spent 40 years as a night watchman at a cranberry silo. Wow!

Yeah, well, I won the belching contest at work.

This way, Mr. Simpson. You sure have got some education, Mr. Hutz. Yes-- Harvard, Yale, M.I.T., Oxford, the Sorbonne, the Louvre.

I know that somewhere your father is looking down on you and smiling. Oh, there he is. And now, I must choose a beautiful partner for the big dance contest. Hmm. Hmm-hmm. No!

And a heart to match. Hmm. I'd like to help you, Chief, but my license was revoked. Seems I'm full of rage. Then do it for this adorable little puppy. Look at the puppy, Marge. That's your hat. She's good, Chief.

So I want the monogram to read M-A-X P-O-W--

I talked to Dr. Hibbert today. He gave me a list of heart-smart foods. "Cotta-hay cheese"? Cottage cheese! Yuck! From the looks of it, this cheese has already been eaten.

The code of the schoolyard, Marge. The rules that teach a boy to be a man. Let's see. Don't tattle. Always make fun of those different from you. Never say anything... unless you're sure everyone feels exactly the same way you do.

for some pork products. Mmm. Look. Plump succulent sausage, honey-smoked bacon and glistening, sizzling-- I'm dying. I'm dying.

Why you little-- Why you big-- Bart, go to your room. I'm out of here. Look, Marge, honey, baby, doll, I-- Homer, I don't even want to look at you right now. What are you saying, honey ? But where will I sleep ? My suggestion... is for you to sleep in the filth you created. Would a motel be okay ?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Ta-da! Aah! Yea, Krustys!

NoW let's see. "Tide. Cheer. "Bold. Biz. Fab. All. Gain. Wisk." I believe today I will try... Bold.

It's not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to fit in eight hours of TV A day. The itchy and scratchy show

If anyone can pull it off, it's Stan "The Boy" Taylor! Stan, Stan, he's our boy. If he can't do it, no one... will. Hut!

No! Oh! Remember your hippopotamus oath.

Thanks, Mayor Simpson. Because of you, we're all takin' golden showers! What?

D R over three, or R squared D R, or R D R R.

A weema-way A weema-way A weema-way A weema-way, A weem-- Don't do that. Hmm? Let's see, a sweater,

Why, looking into this loveable mutt's eyes just melts my heart. Seymour, all is forgiven. Make way for Willie! I said make way for Willie, ya bloated gasbag!

So, what are you in for? I moved here from Canada, and they think I'm slow, eh?

Hmm. Am I wrong, or did it just get fatter in here?

Glory to the new born King Peace on earth and mercy mild God and sinners reconciled ASTROLABE: Today is the birthday of our Lord, Jesus Christ, and singer Barbara Mandrell. Merry Christmas.

Billy Graham's Bible Blaster? Keep firing! Convert the heathens! Got him! No, you just winged him and made him a Unitarian. Look out, Bart! A gentle Baha'i. All right! Full conversion!

Glug, glug, glug, glug... Wow. What about groundskeeper Willy? Ugh! I won't even tell you what that guy's into. Bart, you are the closest thing to a man my life and that's so depressing I think I'm to cry.

Are you really allowed to execute people at a local jail? From this point on, no talking.

This is Marge Simpson reporting from Lake Placid where the Miracle on Ice never happened. No!

Sorry. This is for wastin' teacher's valuable time! Lay off, guys! He's with me. It's a lucky coincidence you happen to be your sister's brother.

I can't read. But you just read that card from the Gersh Agency. I recognized the logo.

D'oh! Stupid roller skate. Well, Dad, here's my report card.

Those things are rigged.

Milhouse is out bed and full beans. Whoa, it's a miracle!

We've learned to accept the things we cannot change and steal everything that's not nailed down. (GRUNTS) I hope you won't judge us harshly. I'll be back for tall kitchen bags. (GLASS SHATTERING) (LAUGHING)

just taking care of business. If you don't, who will, huh? Trent Steel. Homer Simp-- Uh, Max Power. Ooh, hey! Great name! Yeah, isn't it? I got it off a hair dryer. I like a man who can poke fun at himself.

Oh, I always thought karma was baloney, but not anymore.

I have to go now. My planet needs me. Wow! Poochie came from another planet?

- Come on, live a little. - No, thank you. I got me a future. I'm two days away from retirement.

Shh! Baby made a boom-boom.

Hey, set me down at that boat show. I'm gonna be riding on a pack of cigarettes?

But look-- I got some cool pogs. Alf pogs! Remember Alf? He's back, in pog form! You traded my soul for pogs? No!

Homer, did you just call everyone "chicken"? No. I swear on this Bible. That's not a Bible. That's a book of carpet samples. Ooh, fuzzy.

Ladies and gentlemen, Krusty the Clown is dead.

I've killed a baby. I'm a monster. (GROWLS) I can't take anymore. Ned, there's more to the Bible than blood and gore. Oh, I guess you'd rather see a film about a liberal European wizard school or the latest sexcapade of Miss Ashley Judd.

Take it, Homer. Glibby glup gloopy Nibby nobby nooby La lee lo, lo, lo - What? What is it?

The Gladiators from my power plant will crush your team like nine flabby grapes.

Mmmmm... ohh... ahh... Marge, it's times like this I'm glad I flunked out of that Mexican med school.

Honey, I'm so glad you're home. Can't talk. See Flanders. Later sex. Bless the grocer for this wonderful meat,

I gotta get the real teachers back. Bart, you'll never get Krabappel and Skinner together again. They're like two positively charged ions. Zuh? Wait. That's it. With your book smarts and my ability... to exploit people with book smarts, we can figure out a clever plan to get them back together.

Then came the greatest thrill of my life. Hello, Homer. I'm George Harrison. Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Where did you get that brownie? There's a big pile of 'em.

That's it, kids. Suckle daddy's sugar ball.

Aha. Say no more. I read you loud and clear. The old shoulder pads. Look, I want a cup. Cup. Could you spell that? C-U-P. I wanna C-U-- Oh, my God!

Kaboom! That, the sound of the thunderous volcanic explosion... which gives birth to the magnificent geode, one of nature's most-- You're doing it wrong! You gotta pet him hard so he can feel it.

A Bazooka joe comic.

Oh, not the Harrier! We've got a war tomorrow. God bless the idiot-proof Air Force. They're gone! Hell! Not the Wright Brothers' plane.

There's square dancing. Oh, the birdie in the cage out, lady in the center. Now the birdie is purty and the crows hop in. Put the feather all together, hell-bent for leather. Put your honey in the saddle-- Or there's the dance that made me ever so famous-- tap. But I want to learn a dance I can use in real life, like the tango de la muerte.

Homercles cares not for beans.

Ba, ba ba-ba, ba-Ba, ba-ba ba-ba, ba, ba ba, ba, ba ba-ba ba-ba, ba-ba, ba, ba ba, ba, ba-ba Work that body, Homer.

Get out. I'm sorry I said that. - Out. - I'm gonna get out of the car, and I hope you'll find it in your heart not to drive awa-- Well, I'll be all right as long as I can remember my army training.

I'm gonna have to shut it down myself! Fat, don't fail me now! D'oh!

The old shoulder pads. Look, I want a cup. Cup. Could you spell that? C-U-P. I wanna C-U-- Oh, my God!

A storm is coming! I feel it in my bone! Mesdames et messieurs, it appears the Cloud Goddess is ripe with rain babies.

If that tree gets too big, it'll ruin the beauty of that rock! We'll lose tourists! And then, who will buy my roadside corn? You don't sell roadside corn. There's a lot you don't know about me, Marge. A lot that would shock you.

Kids can be so cruel. We can? Thanks, Mom! Ow! Cut it out, Bart!

Oh, it's true. I don't know Marge at all. I'll just go home now. (GASPING) (SCREAMING) Shut it! Shut it! (GRUNTS) Moe, you've won. I'll see you at baggage claim.

Happy Halloween, everybody!

That's preposterous. Zutroy here is as American as apple pie. Mr. Burns.

I can't believe how much we have in common. We're both studying the environment, we're both utterly humorless about our vegetarianism, and we both love the Rolling Stones. Yes, not For their music, but for their tireless efforts to preserve historic buildings.

But there were bigger problems offscreen. After judging a Miss Hawaiian Tropic beauty contest... at the Sheraton Hali'a Kalua Le'a, Bart created a ruckus on a Hawaiian Airline jet, attacking several flight attendants.

I'm sure you all heard of the dead letter office. Well, as a souvenir of your visit, you can each help yourself to one piece of undeliverable mail. I'll take you. I got some dog food!

How could you let me turn into you? Bu-Bu-But the poncho! "Bu-Bu-But the poncho." Hit the road, square.

I feel like liver and onions. Mmm.

Oh, she'll break a lot of hearts, Homer. Well, what should we do now?

- Catch me, Lord. Catch me. Wh-- - Ow! What have we done to make God angry? You did it. Stop jumping on me. I'm hurt. Kids, kids. Once you get hurt, move aside and let other people jump. Homer, this is terrible. Okay. Okay. I'll take care of it.

Hey, you can just suck 'em out. Hello? Can anybody hear me? Homer, where are you? Uh, I'm somewhere where I don't know where I am! Do you see towels? If you see towels, you're probably in the linen closet again.

You hit her pretty hard there, Rick. Say, folks, what's all the ruckus? john Wayne? Will you guys turn that thing down? Sweetie, if we didn't turn it down for the cops, what chance do you have?

Eh, sorry about my unenlightened brother. He will make the next few hours a living hell.

Whew. Superintendent, I hope you're ready for mouthwatering hamburgers. I thought we were having steamed clams. D'oh, no. I said steamed hams. That's what I call hamburgers. You call hamburgers steamed hams? Yes. It's a regional dialect.

Uh, i-i know Weinstein's parents were upset, Superintendent, but i-i was sure it was a phony excuse. I mean, it sounds so made-up. "Yom Kip Pur."

Ooh, an oyster mallet. "Made in U.S.A." No, thank you.

Hello, there, Mr. Weasel. isn't that cute? i'm down!

But if I die during the operation, will you do one thing for me? Oh, anything, sweetheart. Blow up the hospital. Hmm. Well, I said I'd do it, so I guess I'll have to. That's my girl.

So the hook is baited.

Shh! I'm sorry.

Congratulations, Bart Simpson. You're our new Fallout Boy! That's what I'd be saying to you if you weren't an inch too short. Next!

Oh, come on! Do you feel-- Homer Simpson wrecks my pig, Cypress Hill steals my orchestra... and Sonic Youth's in my cooler! Get out of there, you kids! Oh, come on, Mr. Frampton. You're not gonna eat all that watermelon. Please! I'm trying to perform.

Here's an appealing fellow. In fact, they're a-peeling him off the sidewalk. It's funny 'cause I don't know him.

Smithers? My parents insisted I give it a try, sir. Mayor Quimby! Uh, well, that could be any mayor. I rest my case.

- France. - Yoink! Yoink?

That's Canyonero. Wait! Where you going? I still got plenty of beefs. Fat-free yogurt. The-The quality of computer porn. I knew I should've gone on first.

Isn't this something your mother's better at? I called her. She's not home. I also tried Mr. Flanders, Aunt Patty, Aunt Selma, Dr. Hibbert, Reverend Lovejoy, and that nice man who caught the snake in our basement. Wow. And after them out of all the people in the world you chose me.

Spring break! Yeah!

What I wouldn't give to hear Lisa play another one of her jazzy tunes. Saxo-mo-phone Saxo-mo-phone Ohh. I miss the way Bart would say something and then say, "Dude." I wish I knew something about the baby I could miss now.

Maude and her mother were visiting Tyre and Sidon, the twin cities of the Holy Land. They must've kneeled in the wrong place and prayed to the wrong god... because, well, they're being held prisoner by militants of some sort. Militants, huh? Well, if I were you, I'd kick their asses. Well, anyhoo-dilly-doodle, the embassy says it's just a routine hostage-taking,

Thanks, Marge. When my husband left, he took all our power tools, along with the car, my youth, my faith in mankind. Well, see ya.

Who’s the bear? Woof!

You see, class, my Lyme disease turned out to be... psychosomatic. Does that mean you're crazy ? No, that means she was faking it. No, actually, it was a little of both. Sometimes, when a disease is in all the magazines and on all the news shows, it's only natural that you think you have it.

So that's how it happened. I would've thought...

Everyone always says they have to work a lot harder when I'm around.

I'll handle it, Smithers. Shut up, little girl.

Well, I've gotta hand it to you, Seymour. These drab student coverings... have created the perfect distraction-free environment, thus preparing the children for permanent positions in tomorrow's mills... and processing facilities.

w'w' f The Blue Danube f ...and thereby reducing the number of states to 49.

Mr. Simpson, how do you respond to the charge... that petty vandalism such as graffiti is down 80%, while heavy sack beatings are up a shocking 900%?

I, um, share a house with a couple of girls, a couple of guys. Guys, huh? Are they cute? Well, Bart's kinda-- No.

Joan, give me your dessert. Yes, sir. Oh. That's going straight to my five thighs. All right, garçons. Trois, deux, un. Huh?

Hey, this isn't faux dive! This is a dive. You're a long way from home, yuppie boy. I'll start a tab.

Here you go, Mrs. Krabappel. I think you'll be pleasantly surprised.

Troy McClure? I thought he disappeared after that scandal at the aquarium. Hey, I thought you said Troy McClure was dead! No. What I said was he sleeps with the fishes. You see-- Uh, Tony, please! No. I just ate a whole plate of "dingamagoo."

And I owe it all to-- What happened to Mr. Murphy? I'm sorry. He passed away. Oh!

I feel like luge silver medalist Barbara Niedernhuber. Wow! Mister Flanders is really into the Beatles.

which amply covers both food and car. I-- Holy jumping Caesar's catfish! My "H" has been stolen! Oh! That's how people knoW it's a Honda! What's the point of having a Honda if you can't show it off? Sir, if you'll just stop yelling at me, I'm sure I can find a replacement.

Say, is that a gang tattoo? I thought those weren't allowed. Yeah, it's a gang I was in as a kid. GMS. "Galactic Mystery Solvers". (SIGHS) The only mystery we couldn't solve was how not to grow up. Hmm? That's right, an unauthorized tattoo.

Boy, I sure could go for 100 tacos right about now. No. Yes, this should provide adequate sustenance for the Doctor Who marathon.

Ow! Ow! Ow! What the hell is wrong with you? Gee! Sorry! It's a pretty standard stunt, Homer.

And when it's time to do the dishes, where's Ray Bolger? I'll tell ya. Ray Bolger is lookin' out for Ray Bolger!

That tree's been in Springfield since the time of our forefathers. Give it back, or we'll bust in there and take it! Bust in here and take it? You must be stupider than you look. Stupider like a fox!

Fine. I'll do it myself. That was amazing, Mr. Burns! I was a little worried when he swallowed me, but, well, you know the rest. Ah. And now for my triumphant return to Springfield.

Oh, Marge doesnt think I'm sexy. What am I supposed to do? Hmm. Suicide, eh?

Horribly delicious. You know, she's only fattening you up so she can eat you. Eh. What are you gonna do? Well, at least stop basting yourself. Mmm.

Come on. My last paycheck bounced. My children need wine.

Boy, I can't believe you got expelled! Well, don't expect to spend all week lying around on the couch like a bum! 'Cause that's my thing! Bart, a school-sponsored medieval festival is supposed to be the best day of a young girl's life. And you ruined it! You deserved to be expelled! I didn't do it!

Easy. Easy! Oh, why do you hate my trains?

Okay, okay. Think, Homer. The dog. Okay. Go, boy! Go find help. Go find help, boy. No! Bad dog! Bad dog!

D'oh! Come on! Come on! Come on, Maggie. You can trust me. Come to Daddy! Come to Daddy. Come to Daddy! I'm sorry, Maggie.

So I tied an onion to my belt, which was the style at the time. Now, to take the ferry cost a nickel. And in those days, nickels had pictures of bumblebees on 'em. "Give me five bees for a quarter," you'd say.

A star We do We do Who robs cave fish of their sight Who rigs every Oscar night We do We do Shh!

I cut my first and only album, Sax on the Beach. But then I spent all my money on my $1,500-a-day habit. I'd like another Faberge egg, please. Sir, don't you think you've had enough? I'll tell you when I've had enough!

I just put a rock in your crummy town. That's a crud rock. It belongs in Crud Town.

Why, there are no children here at the 4-H Club either. Am I so out of touch? No. It's the children who are wrong.

But rock stars are supposed to be about drinking and getting drunk and boozing it up. And girls that have legs and know how to use them. And why I cant drive 55l You just want mindless, generic rock? Precisely! Uh- J;

It should be... Gary Oldman.

Oh, man! You kissed a girl! That is so gay!

Professor, without knowing precisely what the danger is, would you say it's time for our viewers to crack each other's heads open... and feast on the goo inside? Yes, I would, Kent.

The dream police they live inSide of my bed the dream police they come to me in my head the dream police they're going to arrest me now oh, no Oh! Howdy, neighbor!

Homer! Relax. He's gorging. Okay, maybe not. We gotta save him!

Look! It's Amos from radio's Amos and Andy. Hello, everybody! Springfield: City on the grow!

"Id: Along with the ego and the superego, one of three components of the psyche." Get outta here. My turn. "Kwyjibo." K-W-Y-j-i-B-O. Twenty-two points, plus triple word score, plus 50 points for using all my letters. Game's over. I'm outta here.

Oh, Lisa, you and your stories. "Bart is a vampire." "Beer kills brain cells." Now, let's go back to that... building thingy... where our beds and TV... is.

Yeah! Where are my pants? You threw them out the window in a fit of passion. You said you were never going to need them again. Oh, hurry, Neddie. They're awful! You just be ready with that garbage bag.

- Y'ello? - Hello, Homer. This is God...frey jones from the TV magazine show Rock Bottom.

Hey, you can't come in here dressed like that! - Get with the times, Moe. - Yeah. I say if it feels good, do it. All right. Don't snap my undies.

Oh, please stop. I'm just getting started. Ohh!

Though it was unusual to spend 28 minutes reporting on a doll, this reporter found it impossible to stop talking. It's just really fascinating news, folks. Good night. Oh, and the president was arrested for murder. More on that tomorrow night.

junk. junk. The airplane's upside-down. Stradi-"who"-vius?

these white slippers are albino African endangered rhino grizzly bear underwear turtles' necks I've got my share beret of poodle on my noodle it shall rest try my red-robin suit it Comes one breast or two

"Number two: horny.

This air conditioning is better than any truant officer. I'm seeing students I haven't seen in years. Sugar Hmm-hmm-hmm! Hey, Mrs. K.! Oh, Arthur!

Uh, Bob Dole doesn't need this.

Dad, did you hear something? I don't know. Dad? Mm-hmm? My new doll's much better than Malibu Stacy. Do a newscast about her. Oh, please, honey. Daddy's job is to bring people important news. I'm very busy preparing a report about the 40th anniversary of Beetle Bailey.

Hey, where you goin'? "Hello. My name is Laddie. I've been trained to gather fruit for you as a welcome gift."

"For preaching Christianity to the Romans, "the Emperor Diocletian sentenced him to death by hail of arrows." (GROANS) Now it's payback time! (GRUNTING) I wish I'd gone to more orgies. (GROANS)

Uh, Krusty the Clown, everybody. Please look at my MedicAlert bracelet. Ooh.

That old goat can't fire me. I'm gonna give him a piece of my-- Aw, nuts!

He's got me there. Is he still out there? Yes. He's raking leaves. What? That's your job! If he starts doing Lisa's wood chopping-- If he wants to make it up to you so badly, I think you should let him. Okay, okay. I'll let him. But then I get a Chipwich. Okay?

Mmm, yes, I remember Satan's Little Helper... littering the rectory with his dirt, biting me in the apse. He unholied the holy water! That's him, all right. I'll be happy to take him off your hands. Oh, I'm afraid that's impossible, Bart. He's no longer among us. You didn't crucify him?

Homer, it's a deal. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to appear on a tortilla in Mexico.

Well, Seymour, I made it-- despite your directions.

Why, oh, why Delilah It's 11 K-BBL degrees below zero. I hope you're someplace warm. You bet your sweet... ass!

Bring it on! Please, gentlemen. Violence is not the answer. Then what is? Some sort of death race? That's what I would do. Very well, viejo. You shall have your death race. But-- Death race?

Animals are crapping in our houses, and we're picking it up. Did we lose a war? That's not America. That's not even Mexico! Don't you deserve better than the best? Yeah! Who should handle all your dirty jobs? Someone else! Someone else! Someone else!

Now do "classical gas."

Are there any real questions? Yes.

That's the last time you'll slap your Willie around.

Now we need your Ice Man. Oh, no. I could never sell him. He's like a frozen father to me. How much for just the head? By gum, it worked. I've awakened in the future.

Howdy-- Shoot! Greetings, friend--

In all the animal kingdom, no mother is more devoted than the blue jay. Valuing her eggs above even her own life, the mother bird bravely fights off such fearsome predators as the badger and the mongoose. Of course, one thing mother blue jay can't defend against... is a set of steel tongs.

Nothing! How can you even accuse me of repeated infidelity? Oh! I'm so angry, I could just-- I could fall asleep! I-- Completely innocent.

In my weaker moments, I almost pity them. Then I just remind myself they're trying to teach.

Dad? Pie Man is not your father, little girl. I murdered your father. Dad, please. It's obvious you're Pie Man. We've been getting his mail for weeks.

More. Mmm! I don't understand it. James Coco went mad in 15 minutes.

Give me the bat, Marge. Give me the bat. Give me the bat. Come on. Give me the bat. Give me the bat, bat, ooh. Scaredy-cat. You stay here till you're no longer insane.

Look, that kid's got bosoms! Who's got a wet towel? Come here, you butterball. Don't make me run! I'm full of chocolate!

And there's Tatum showboating for the crowd.

Your cable TV is experiencing difficulties. Please do not panic. Resist the temptation to read or talk to loved ones. Do not attempt sexual relations, as years of TV radiation... have left your genitals withered and useless. Well, I'll be damned.

Tell you what. I'll show you something very special... if you promise to put your grubby little hands behind your back and keep them there.

Let me give you the grand tour. This is one of our many light switches. It functions in both the on and off mode. On, off. On, off. He knows how to work a light switch.

Time to get up, Lisa. It's a school day. Lisa, you don't look well. I'll make it, Mom. just tape my lunch box to my hand. Oh, my. You're burning up. And your cheeks are so swollen. I think you have the mumps. I'm calling Dr. Hibbert.

Collapsed on its own? You, sh-- You have 72 hours. See ya.

Oh, your family's out of control, but we can't blame you, because you have good intentions!

You're on Frame Up. Uh, what! That's right. Homer Simpson, you're the latest victim of the new reality show, Frame Up. It's the man with the braces. I'm also your host. Now let's meet a ghost.

Hmm. I never heard of a baby swallowing a magazine before-- And I'm a doctor. I don't know if it matters, but it was a Time magazine. - Does that matter? - Uh-oh. - This could be dangerous. - What? What? Syrian hard-liners are gaining influence.

Aw, the Denver Broncos! I think owning the Denver Broncos is pretty good. Yeah, yeah. Well, explain to me why it isn't. You just don't understand football, Marge.

The Atlanta Falcons. Yeah, ever since I was a boy, I've always loved the Atlanta Falcons. Yeah, they're good, but I wouldn't count out the Denver Broncos. Yeah, I hear that President Clinton... is gonna be watching with his wife, Hillary.

That's very nice, Dad, but it's wrong for you to reward violent, competitive behavior. However, I will sit up front with you if it's a fatherly gesture of love. Okay, hon. Sucker! Competitive violence! That's why you're here!

Well! If it isn't the leader of the wiener patrol... boning up on his nerd lessons. Homer, you should be more supportive. - You're right, Marge. Good work, boy. - Hmm. Egghead likes his booky-wook Homer! just tucking him in.

Florida? But that's America's wang. They prefer The Sunshine State.

Come on, Bart. You know better than to talk to strangers. For your information, I'm his father. His father-- the drunken gambler? That's right. And who might you be?

- Increase. Dad. - Cornelius.

Lab. Greetings, friend. Do you wish to look as happy as me? Why, it's the AT-5000 Auto-Dialer, my very first patent. Ah, would you listen to the gibberish they've got you saying? It's sad and alarming.

I'll take a dozen. (CHUCKLES) Do you have a T-shirt with Calvin peeing on Hobbes? Sorry. Ah. Well, what do you got him peeing on? (SIREN BLARES) Well, well, well. Selling T-shirts without a permit. And it looks like one of the lights in your sneakers is out.

Oh! I can't believe all those rats fled my town. Guess it's just us and the tumbleweed. Oh! Well, Dad, you're mayor of a ghost town.

a young boy-- a wonderful, irrepressible young boy-- took it on his own to solve the problem. He discovered that the Postal Service's Mr. Zip... was just a rip-off of my father's stick figure character Manic Mailman.

They're just children's stories. They can't hurt you. Ohh. Oh, I hate Halloween.

One Pill makes you laRger Fergie! And one pill makes you small Willie, you complete me. Saints be praised! Oh, closer. I've always dreamed of this moment.

I regret nothing!

Oh, I'm afraid this problem goes far beyond Eugene and Rusty. Marge, if you please.

Or a nice pipe organ? I'm thirsty. Ooh, what smells like mustard?

Look, I know I don't have any proof. But this woman is trying to kill me!

(GASPING) Please... This mysterious Hindu is clearly responsible for the murder. Lock him up until we find someone darker, boys. Please, I am not a killer! I am but a humble purveyor of disgusting British food. Lark tongues, head pudding, eel pies.

Oop. Is your name Bart? Mm-hmm. What the-- Does your father know you're working here? It was his idea. In that case, I'll have a whiskey sour.

Bart! You didn't finish your spaghetti and Moe-balls! Silence, you fool. It can be ours. Run, boy! Run! Run for your life, boy!

Oh, that's it. You're through, Dean. Now who's the dean?

Ooh-la-la! Today's selections are:

Oh, my. Lisa, go to your room.

- Up and atom! - Up and at them!

Ho... mer Simp... son.

Lousy piece of junk! Hey! I got that for my birthday. Now I have to face stupid reality again. Flanders! My socks feel dirty. Give me some water to wash 'em. Again?

And bring us the finest food you got stuffed with the second finest. Excellent, sir. Lobster stuffed with tacos.

But I was just about to bang my gavel, making the sentence official. Sorry, I've already put my clown down. But I was just going to-- The clown is down. Judge Snyder, motion to declare a writ of boys will be boys. Motion granted. Case dismissed!

I'm not sure if I'm comfortable with the idea... of your classmates laughing at our family's private moments. How would you like it if 20 years from now... people were laughing at things you did?

The Simpsons They were the first family of American laughter, surfing a tidal wave of hilarity... Look at her vacuum.

Now my heart is made Cool, man. Of softer stuff Get out of my cage. - My boss will freak out. Oh, no. A pretty girl can't look my way without-- Don't. Don't ! Don't. No. Get out. Get out of here. Get your hands off.

Yup! There's your answer, fish bulb. Well, it was a good ride while it lasted.

When are people going to learn? Democracy doesn't work!

Don't worry, Stampy. I won't let Homer sell you to that ivory dealer. You and I are gonna run away together. We'll keep to the back roads and make our way south. Then, if I know my geography, it's just 12 miles to Africa.

Stanley is thoughtless, violent and loud. Marge, every second you spend with this man, he is crushing your fragile spirit. You can't let that happen.

Let me assure you that this is not one of those shady pyramid schemes you've been hearing about. Our model is the trapezoid that guarantees each investor an 800% return within hours of your initial-- Uh-oh! The cops!

To George and Abe and all the rest, here's a special song just for you. I was working in the lab late one night When My eyes beheld an eeRie sight doggone it! For my monster from his slab began to rise and suddenly to my surprise

Sorry, this isn't Abbie. This is her sister. I look after her now. No, Bart, put it down. Put it down, Bart. Bart, put it down.

Kids, today we have to talk about Krusty brand Chew Goo Gum-Like Substance. We knew it contained spider eggs, but the hantavirus-- well, that really came out of left field. So if any of you have experienced numbness or comas,

Ah! We need some excitement around here. - Chinese checkers or domestic, sir? - No, no. Something fun. Something the men will enjoy, like a safety drill. But what kind? Uh, "Meltdown Alert"? "Mad Dog Drill"? "Blimp Attack"? Ah! I think a good old-fashioned fire drill today!

You wanted to be Krusty's sidekick since you were five! What about the buffoon lessons? The four years at clown college? I'll thank you not to refer to Princeton that way.

Hey, boy, how's the microphone working? Fine. Bart! I would love to get a present like that. Here you go. Enjoy. D'oh! This is a great invention. Watch. We got a great big convoy

Hmm, stoats. Stoats. Stoats are weasels, Bart. They don't come in cans. Then what's this? That says "corn," Bart. Must you embarrass me? Here we are. "In a pinch, badgers have been known to eat woodpeckers."

Hey, the lamp's running away. That's my dog, man. So long, lamp.

Good evening. I've been asked to tell you... that the following show is very scary, with stuff that might give your kids nightmares.

Oh-- Pfft. Fine.

Now, cut the power and hit 'em with the lights! You irreplaCeable you

Shiva H. Vishnu! Where is that noise coming from?

And you are banned for life from all of my performances and TV specials! But I can still see your movies, right?

Fatal to the people in the other car. Let's roll.

Are you saying you killed jimbo, processed his carcass and served him for lunch? Ha!

I had Art Garfunkle come by with his compressor, and we created a total vacuum outside the house, and we blew the ants out the front door.

(BOTH LAUGHING) I was thinking maybe we could visit the hospital now? Perhaps a stick of gum will lighten your mood. It always has in the past. Ow! (BOTH LAUGHING) Finger pain? I thought I had gum coming!

Greatest generation to the rescue! And when I come back, I want a foot rub. Yes, master. General, I hereby surrender.

Here he is, folks, the man who saved PBS, Homer Simpson. Mom, Dad's on PBS. Hmm? They don't show police chases, do they? Um, it's an honor to give $10,000,

Mr. Bo-jangles We're all Bo-Jangles Who killed Bo-Jangles? Maybe it was you Thank you. Thank you. Remember, my dog up and died. Thank you.

Daddy? Daddy? Where are you, Dad-- So, who wants a Preflight cookie? Fig Newtons? Hydrox? Daddy? Don't look at me! Don't look at me!

This is a whole lot of nothing. I'd rather watch the boilers. Make sure you return those chairs to the cafeteria. I'm not kidding. Ah... finished, with 15 seconds to spare.

I'm a white male, aged 18 to 49. Everyone listens to me, no matter how dumb my suggestions are.

Run across! I'm sorry. I only sent you the wrong way because I thought you were Luke's girlfriend. That certainly justifies attempted murder. You know, there are more important things in this world... than boys, and when--

viva las vegas viva las vegas viva, viva las vegas

I'm your host, Troy McClure. You may remember me from such films as... The Erotic Adventures of Hercules... and Dial "M" for Murderousness.

Mm-hmm. They call 'em shakes. "Shakes." You don't know what you're gettin'. Well, I know what I'm gettin'-- some doughnuts. Uh, help me out of the booth, boys.

Now to absorb some local color through the magic of A.M. radio. ...Book of Revelations tells us... to watch for the seven signs of evil-- Sign of evil number four-- Continuing our sign-of-evil countdown, here's Vanessa Williams.

See, I got this friend named Joey jo-jo junior Shabadoo.

Booting? Oh, it's just a little kick in the bum.

Poop. Get ready, everybody. He's about to do something stupid. Well, I'm sorry to disappoint you, gentlemen. But you seem to have me confused with a character in a fictional show. Now if you'll excuse me, my fondue is just about-- D'oh!

Oh, Lisa! There's no record of a hurricane ever hitting Springfield. Yes, but the records only go back to 1978, when the hall of records was mysteriously blown away. What is it, boy? Fire? Earthquake? Hippies?

And now I want you to meet your new brother, Hans Moleman. Cowabunga, dudes. Give it a try. It's like kissing a peanut.

I don't care what you say. I can taste the newspaper. Posh! Shredded newspapers add much needed roughage and essential inks. Besides, you didn't notice the old gym mats. There's very little meat in these gym mats. Our demands are very reasonable.

Homer, we can't root for one child over the other. You wouldn't like it if the kids played favorites with us. Hey, Mom! Look at me, Mom! Hi, Mom! Over here! Mom! Hi, kids. And now, to honor America, here's Krusty the Clown.

one so unbelievable that it must be hidden from the public at all costs.

Everybody was kung fu fighting Those cats were fast as lightning Good times.

Homer! Oh, my father gave me beer as a child... till I wrapped my little red wagon around a tree. Let's never drink again. And we never did.

I found some food for breakfast. I hope everyone likes the red things that grow on this tree. Bart, you're brushing your teeth with my twig. So? I let you use my leaves. That Urkel's a hoot.

Oh, wait a minute. Actually, a woman is more like a beer. They smell good. They look good. You'd step over your own mother just to get one!

Don't soul mate me! Okay.

Oh, my. Where are we supposed to get a sitter on such short notice ? Oh, dear. If we can't find a baby-sitter, we can't go. What a kick in the teeth. What do you need a baby-sitter for ? I'm almost ten and a half. Mom, you wouldn't dare. Don't take that tone with me, young lady, or I'll give you a taste of the back of me hand. No, you don't.

- Simpson! - S h h _ English - US - SDH

Here we are. Branson, Missouri. No, pally. This is Bronson, Missouri. Mmm. Hey. Well, how do we get to Branson? Number 10 bus. Hey, Ma, how 'bout some cookies? No dice. This ain't over.

Did I say "leg"? I meant that wet bathing suit. I'm afraid you'll need a cast on that broken bone. Ohh. I'm gonna miss the whole summer. Don't worry, boy. When you get a job like me, you'll miss every summer.

(GASPS) There's Dan Rather and Tom Brokaw hanging out with Kent Brockman! You want your mike back, local anchor? This just in. I'm pissed off.

You a winner! Ha-ha-ha! You a winner! Ha-ha-ha! You a winner! Ha-ha-ha! Halogen lamps, kilim rugs? You can't afford this. How can you afford this? You've been all edgy and suspicious ever since I gave you those pep pills.

Oh, no! That sinister-lookin' kid is comin' to kill me. Help! Help!

Behold! The ultimate Pog! I'll take it!

And get to the ice-cream store!

You... Why, you little... (CHOKING) You need a reason for strangling, do you... I'll fix your wagon... (CELL PHONE RINGS) Hello? Chloe, forget about the Women's Conference.

Hey, what's happenin', hep cats ? No way ! It's gotta be a fake. It's, like, realsville, daddy-o. Ha !

Ah, you're right. Okay, go ahead.

He's smoking. He's smoking.

Some days we don't let the line move at all. We call those "weekdays."

I guess so. Wh-- He-- Would you like it if I laughed at your misfortune?

Now you listen to me. I don't like you. I never liked you. And the only reason I gave you that stupid Valentine... is 'cause nobody else would! Watch this, Lise.

America, take a good look at your beloved candidates. They're nothing but hideous space reptiles.

Well, kids, we all know that sometimes when cartoon characters die, they're back again the very next week. That's why I'm presenting this sworn affidavit... that Poochie will never, ever, ever return!

He's alive ! Homer ! Homer, wake up ! You're alive !

he crossed that line between everyday villainy and cartoonish super-villainy.

Marge, it's a real pleasure. You got any leads? I need some leads. Please, help me. That's enough, Gill. Don't drag her down with you.

Please accept this Operation Dumbo Drop souvenir jacket.

Now, Kirk, it's only a game. Sometimes we-- Oh, cram it, Churchie! Maybe we should all have a few drinks. I'd have a drink, but it might loosen my tongue. You want to talk? Go ahead, Luann, talk.

Ohh! I hate folding sheets. That's your underwear. Well, whatever it is, it's a two-man job. Where's Bart?

So long, jerks!

Mr. Hutz, why are you burning all your personal papers? As of this moment, Lionel Hutz no longer exists. Say hello to Miguel Sanchez.

Blah. Blee. Bleh. Stupid animals.

They gave me a choice: jail, the army, or apologizing to the judge and the old lady. Of course, if I'd known there was a war going on, I probably would've apologized.

The South shall come again.

Till then, you're going to spend the day in hell!

You haven't touched your tongue sandwiches. Are you thirsty? We've got Clamato, Mr. Pibb, and soy milk. That's all right.

Huh? I never looked behind this whatchamacallit case before. Huh? That's weird. It's like something out of that twilight-y show about that zone.

You're dead, squealer! Ah, Lisa! Help!

Homer, I want you to encourage Lisa with her science fair project. Yeah. Syrup is better than jelly.

"Slow dulcimer gavotte and bow in autumn." He's reading "Impossible to Tell." "Basho and his friends go out to view the moon; "In summer, gasoline rainbow in the gutter. "The secret courtesy that courses like ichor... through the old form of the rude, full-scale joke."

The Simpsons began as the brainchild... of cartoonist Matt Groening, the already-famous creator of such comics... as Damnation, johnny Reb, and True Murder Stories. In 1987, Groening teamed up with award-winning producers... james L. Brooks... and Sam Simon.

Hmm. Good lines, nice balance.

MARGE: Bart, Lisa went over to Janey's.

Drop me a line if you're on the East Coast. Hank Scorpio." Aw, the Denver Broncos! I think owning the Denver Broncos is pretty good. Yeah, yeah. Well, explain to me why it isn't. You just don't understand football, Marge.

Hey. What's goin' on on this side?

What's gonna happen to me? And now, it's time for Match Game 2034, with Billy Crystal, Hey! Farrah Fawcett-Majors- O'Neal-Varney, the "I didn't do it" boy, ventriloquist loni Anderson,

I didn't know your dad was so interested in science. Science? Uh, he didn't say "science." He said "pie pants." Mmm, pie pants.

And now we 're back.. to Touch the Stove. So, Kevin, I hear you collect amusing postcards. Yeah. It all started when-

Whoopsy-doodle. Oh, man! Ned spilled ink all over my poems! He's a real flat tire. I mean a cube, man. He's putting us on the train to Squaresville, Mona.

I'd like to buy a mint condition Spider-Man number one, please. And I'd like an hour on the holodeck with Seven of Nine. Oh! Saturn's rings!

This past summer, all of America was trying to solve the mystery... of "Who Shot Mr. Burns?" Then they found out it was the baby. To keep this bombshell secret, the producers animated several solutions that were never intended to air.

You take a dash of Dad, a pinch of Mom, then we bake for nine months, and-- Mmm. That's good Billy. Mr. McClure, what does D.N.A. stand for?

Well, get out the Crayolas and color me tickled pink. Ooh, what's with the lead pipe? Were you gonna give my noggin a floggin'? Well, yeah. Duck! I can't let the boys see me with you! What? Hi.

Thank you for coming. I'll see you in hell.

Will Milhouse and I be friends when we're high school dropouts living off Uncle Sucker? Will Milhouse and I be friends at the end of the day?

Isn't that clever? It looks like a Cadillac drove right into the building. Help me.

Well, basically, I just copied the plant we have now. Hmm. Then I added some fins to lower wind resistance-- And this racing stripe here, I feel is pretty sharp. Agreed. First prize.

Homer? I got a really wicked idea that could get us into a lot of trouble. Ohh. Mindy, we have to fight our temptation. No, Homer. Let's do it. Let's call room service! Oh.

You too, Gracie music dude! Guh!

Oh, I've heard a lot about Shot Kickers.

Ah, New Orleans. The Big Easy. Sweet Lady Gumbo. Old... Swampy.

- Are you stuck in a dead-end job? - Maybe. Are you squandering the precious gift of life in front of the idiot box? What's it to you? Are you on your third beer of the evening? Does whiskey count as beer? Well, maybe it's time you joined the exciting field of monorail conducting... by enrolling at the Lanley Institute.

What is it with you? I just think they're neat. I need something for show-and-tell.

I'm Troy McClure. You probably remember me... from such films as the Revenge of Abe Lincoln... and the Wackiest Covered Wagon in the West.

Yield this, Senator Payne.

I passed! Way to go! Mm-mmm. Oh, thank you, Bart, thank you, Lisa, for all your help.

Help, Smithers. I'm sinking. I'm sinking. Life... flashing... before-- eyes.

And not a moment too soon. Oh, okay then. Well, then I got no beef with you. Okay, who wants dinner? Well, let's get eatin'. All right, all right. Sorry.

Yo, empty the register, dude. Okay, okay, you are the boss. Silent alarm activated! Oh, that's it!

Can you believe Flanders threw out a perfectly good toothbrush? Eww.

Psst. Hey, you guys. Uh, I was just thinking that any one of us could be next. So, what do you say we make a break for it?

I might grease the wheels of justice with some cookies. Oh, can I have some? Not till you finish your sundae. Ohh! Is that enough? Two more bites!

Glove slap - Baby, glove slap Hmm! A glove slap to the little ol' face Will get you satisfaction Glove slap, baby A glove slap, baby

And as my first act, Mr. Burns, you’re fired!

And, last week, Frank Grimes, the man who had to struggle for everything he ever got, received his correspondence school diploma in nuclear physics-- with a minor in determination. That's the kind of man I need on my team, Smithers--

Do you have dropsy? The grippe? Scrofula? The vapors? jungle rot? Dandy fever? Poor man's gout? Housemaid's knee? Climatic poopow? The staggers? Dum-dum fever?

That voice could use a little personality. Oh, let's try Matthew Perry. Yeah. Could I be any more of a house? Meh. Who else we got? Hey, Cha-Cha, I got more features... than a NASA relief map of Turkmenistan. Isn't that the voice that caused all those suicides? Murder-suicides.

Let's all go to the lobby Let's all go to the lobby Let's all go to the lobby Get ourselves some snacks

Hello, Ralph. When I was little, I used to play by myself too. Your hair is tall and pretty. Well, thank you, Ralph. You're such a fine, young gentleman. Help! She's touching my special area!

We just moved here from Phoenix. My dad's in home security. He came here because of the high crime rate and lackluster police force. All my friends are back in Phoenix and this town has a weird smell that you're all probably used to but I'm not. It takes about six weeks.

(ALL STRAINING) I feel like I'm in Fitzcarraldo. That movie was flawed. (GRUNTS) (GROANS) SEYMOUR: Behold, children, the majesty of Springfield Glacier. Crane your necks skyward to behold its icy glory.

Listen to your mother, kids. Aim low. Aim so low, no one will even care if you succeed. Dinner's in the oven. You want some butter, it's under my face.

Mmm. Red hots. Ladies and gentlemen, Capital City's newest sensation, Dancin' Homer ! Hmm. These do taste better at the ball park. Uh-oh.

Ew. Listen, I said it to Shatner and I'm saying it to you. There is no way I'm going to be dating a man with pie on his face.

I'm here to return the gift you brought to our wedding. Ah! Yes. An Incredible Hulk melonballer. (ROARING) Well, I'm glad you'll be able to enjoy it. I think you did the right thing. You didn't want your life to turn out like this.

Hey, Krusty. I'm bringing back the-- You just keep right on driving.

Hey! Take a picture. It'll last longer. Get outta here.

Uh, yeah, we think we did. Uh, do you know "Insane in the Brain"? We mostly know classical, but we could give it a shot. Now, this I like.

So I tied an onion to my belt, which was the style at the time. Now, to take the ferry cost a nickel. And in those days, nickels had pictures of bumblebees on 'em. "Give me five bees for a quarter," you'd say. Now, where were we? Oh, yeah!

I don't need any serving suggestions from you, you barbecue-wrecking, know-nothing, know-it-all. That's it! I can't live in a house with this prehistoric carnivore! I am out of here! That's it! Go to your room!

- Amen ! - Let's eat. No, I'm not done yet ! But, Homer, how long are we supposed to sit here... and listen to you bad-mouth us to the Man Upstairs ? I'm sorry, Marge, but sometimes I think we're the worst family in town.

You know, they said the same thing about Urkel. That little snot boy. I'd like to smack that kid!

Here are several fine young men who I'm sure are gonna go far. Ladies and gentlemen, the Ramones. Ah, these minstrels will soothe my jangled nerves. I'd just like to say this gig sucks! Hey, up yours, Springfield!

I still love you. A lot of couples take separate vacations. Well, okay... but you have to swear you're coming back. I swear. All right, then.

¡Ay! ¡QuÉ agonÍA! Oh, he wants that corn so much. ¡Ay! ¡Dios no me ama!

I was trying to punish him exactly like you would. So, in a way, you really dropped the ball on this one. This is your mess, and I'll be damned if I'm gonna clean it up.

I hope they still make that shampoo I like.

I, uh, brought you a little present. No! No! Beer bring pain! I can't stand to see him like this!

Mr. Robert Pinsky. Tonight I'll be reading from a copy of my book I just checked out at Atherton Library! I study there! Say another building! That's it, Pinsky. You've got 'em right where you want 'em.

They're just a bunch of hilarious stuff, you know, like people getting hurt and stuff. Stuff like that-- Ohh! Look, kids.

ANNOUNCER: Coming this summer from DreamWorks... (ANNOUNCER READS) Fifty-two jokers playing the game of their lives. I don't wanna be a three! I wanna be a seven! Shut up, kid. You're as crazy as an eight, I'm telling you. ANNOUNCER: With Eddie Murphy as the Jack of Clubs.

Man has always loved his buildings. But what happens when the buildings say, "No more"? Yes! Oh! Ooh! Yeah!

Good Lord! Gigantism!

Okay, Homer, let's get a level check on your voice. She smells sheet smells by the sheet "shtore." Wait. Wait. Let me try it again.

If you don't watch the violence, you'll never get desensitized to it. just tell me when the scary part's over. It's over. I think that guy's a spy. Of course he's a spy. You just saw him go through spy school.

I've never heard so many Viagra jokes in 30 seconds. Shut up-a your mouth!

(SIGHS) I really don't care anymore. All useless. The credits really have to go this long? Oh, shush yourself.

can still lead rich, full lives. Hi. Uh, sorry. But these guys crack me up.

Get a divorce. Mm-hmm. But isn't that a sin? Marge, just about everything is a sin. You ever sat down and read this thing? Technically, we're not allowed to go go the bathroom.

I don't know. Can you swing a sack of doorknobs? - Can I! - You're in. Here's the sack. But you gotta supply your own knobs. So I said to him, "Look, buddy, your car was upside down when we got here. And as for your grandma, she shouldn't have mouthed off like that!"

Everybody Dance now

you're the best in the world

Why, NBC, of course.

Hey, if you want wild bears eating your children... and scaring away your salmon, that's your business. But I'm not gonna take it! Who's with me? I am! I am!

With this hook and this hunk of chocolate, I'll land your boy and I'll clean him for free. Although we can't reach the boy we can freeze him with liquid nitrogen so that future generations can rescue him.

Marge, since I'm not talking to Lisa, would you please ask her to pass me the syrup? Please pass your father the syrup, Lisa. Bart, tell Dad I'll only pass the syrup if it won't be used on any meat product. You dunking your sausages in that syrup, homeboy?

Why, Marge, look at all those flies buzzing around your head. You're a mess, woman. So, do you think I have a case?

Here are your messages. "You have 30 minutes to move your car." "You have 10 minutes." "Your car has been impounded." "Your car has been crushed into a cube." "You have 30 minutes to move your cube." Y'ello. Mr. Burns's office. Is it about my cube?

Just a minute. This isn't Mr. Burns at all. It's a mask. Wait. It is Burns. His wrinkly skin looks like a mask.

Obnoxious fad? Ah, don't worry, Son. You know, they said the same thing about Urkel. That little snot boy. I'd like to smack that kid!

(MEOWING) I'm so excited. It's like giving birth to a child of steel and iron. (BEETHOVEN'S FIFTH SYMPHONY PLAYING)

I'm so hungry I could eat at Arby's. Oh, my gosh! Oh, wow!

Well, look who's here. Hi, Poochie! You look like you've got something to say. - Do you? - Yes, I certainly do. I have to go now. My planet needs me.

It was I, you fools! The man you trusted isn't Wavy Gravy at all. And all this time, I've been smoking harmless tobacco.

Number three: family jewels."

For the next three hours, this bear will take your verbal and physical abuse... with good nature and aplomb. So, if you'll all just grab one of these two-by-fours-- Um, Chief, can I at least shield my crotch? Bears can't talk, Eddie.

And he knows my name! Street signs indoors? Whatever!

We found a secret room that was filled to the ceiling with parachute pants. I'm wearing some now. But pants or no pants, the Simpsons were flying high. Yeah, I've seen all the overnight sensations--

"isn't that Marge Simpson having brunch with a man who isn't her husband ?"

Oh! Ow! Ow! The bubbles are burning my tongue! Ow! Ooh. Water! Water! A hush falls over the general assembly... as Stacy approaches the podium... to deliver what will no doubt be a stirring and memorable address. I wish they taught shopping in school!

You knocked his block off! Come with me. Check it out. I built myself a healthy apple.

You are one cold-blooded killer, dude. But-- But I wasn't-- I didn't-- Right through the neck! Doesn't get any sweeter than that, Simpson. Savor the moment.

Uh-oh. Looks like you bought more than you bargained for.

Oh, look at those exotic positions. Watching those women is giving me ideas. They made an elephant!

You take a dash of Dad, a pinch of Mom, then we bake for nine months, and-- Mmm. That's good Billy. Mr. McClure, what does D.N.A. stand for? That didn't answer anything.

Oh! And here's a picture of me in outer space. You... went into outer space? You? Sure. You've never been?

No, wait. That wasn't a trick.

Everybody-- Everybody get naked! Come on. Don't be stuck-up. It's going to be great. Well, why not? This party's just getting started! Stop the celebration! That small boy is drunk!

licorice whip I Said whip it licorice whip

Well, congratulations. You're now as intelligent as a pig. Let's see if you can move up to dolphin. How many people in your family? (GASPS) Woo-hoo! I got that one right, too. (LAUGHING ENTHUSIASTICALLY)

Homer, you moron.

Yes. Four onion rings !

- What do you think, Smithers? - I think women and seamen don't mix.

There's no maybe about it, sir. Excellent.

I'll kick your butt... at Nintendo.

I gotta call the plant and warn 'em. The fingers you have used to dial are too fat. To obtain a special dialing wand, please mash the keypad with your palm now.

No, no, no! Herschel? Herschel, oy vay iz mir! You have brought shame on our family. If you were a musician or a jazz singer this I could forgive, but this? I never want to see you again, you... you clown!

Inspired by the most logical race in the galaxy, the Vulcans, breeding will be permitted once every seven years. For many of you, this will mean much less breeding. For me, much, much more.

This is Kent Brockman with a special live report... from the headquarters of Krusty opponent, John Armstrong. How can I prove we're live? Penis.

"I," the income she Will make "T" is For her tooth-filled mouth "T" is For her tooth-filled mouth Coming up next, a new fad that's sweeping the nation--

Yep, here's your problem.

But I can't. I already asked somebody. So un-ask her! But that would-- You're taking me! You got that? And it's gonna be a magical evening! What am I doing? This isn't me. I'm sorry, Milhouse.

Now, kids, while your mother's gone, I don't wanna have to wash any dishes. So from now on, drink straight from the faucet or milk carton, and we'll eat while standing over the sink or toilet. - Who's gonna change Maggie? - We're gonna let her roam free in the backyard, and nature will take its course.

You know, the-- One thing I should-- - Excuse me for one second. - Of course. Well, that was wonderful. A good time was had by all. I'm pooped. Yes. I should be-- Good Lord! What is happening in there? Aurora borealis.

Your wife don't understand you But I do Gee, Homer's singing to his ball again. He's bowling a 280. Oh, yeah? There's a kind of hush All over the world tonight

All right! All right! That's it! We're goin' home. I'm sick of you and your stupid tonic!

Hello, and welcome to the Springfield Police Department rescue phone. If you know the name of the felony being committed, press one. To choose from a list of felonies, press two. If you are being murdered or are calling from a rotary phone, please stay on the line.

Yeah. They're called Congress.

Listen up, everybody! Follow me! What's going on, huh? What's happening, Simpson? Where are we going anyway? Okay, crew. Set your faces to stunned.

Well, it's time to pick up where I left off-- as a no-good street punk.

There's no shame in it. My dad-- Not mine. You didn't let me finish. Unless the next word was "burp," you didn't have to. In a sample taken in this very classroom, a state inspector found 1.74 parts per million of asbestos-- That's not enough ! We demand more asbestos ! More asbestos ! More asbestos !

Whoop. Careful.

Lisa, knock off that racket! But, Dad, I'm supposed to practice an hour a day. I'll practice you! You'll practice me? What does that mean?

There was a farmer who had a dog - And Bingo was his name - Oh B-i-n-g-o B-i-n-g-o B-i-n-g-o and Bingo was his name, oh Homie, get in the car.

That's it. Next time I fly.

Good morning, everybody ! Good morning, Springfield ! Dimoxinil ! Whoo-hoo !

Is there something wrong, Homie?

Well, everyone always does. Buy him out, boys. Yeah. Hey. What the hell's going on? Oh, I didn't get rich by writing a lot of checks.

What about that tattoo on your chest? Doesn't it say "Die, Bart, Die"? No, that's German for-- "The Bart, The." No one who speaks German can be an evil man.

Adam West! Hey, kids. Batman. Dad, that's not the real Batman. Of course I'm Batman. See, here's a picture of me with Robin. Who the hell's Robin? Oh, I guess you're only familiar with the new Batman movies. Michelle Pfeiffer. Ha.

Not the face! Ah, they'll be chewing on him for a while. ¡Ay, Ay, Ay! ¡La policÍA! Hey, Homer. Phone call. Hi, Homie. It's really starting to snow. I think you should come home. But, Marge, Alan Thicke is throwing knives at Ricardo Montalban.

This much I believe we can agree upon: this specimen is either a below-average human being...

All right! Now all we need is a name.

Look at that stupid kid! Three! Three! - Two! - Two! - One! - One! And the final from Riverfront Stadium: Miami 24, Cincinnati 10.

Where's the remote? Oh, it might as well be in China.

Ohh, the walls are melting again. Personally I think I'm overdone.

You can call me Ray, or you can call me Jay. Just don't call me washed up. I do three shows a day. Charlie Callas doesn't sleep in the ground. Yes, I'm still alive, and I'm making my sounds.

Did you ever see that Blue Man Group? Total rip-off of the Smurfs. And the Smurfs-- They suck! Uh-oh. I smell gangrene. We gotta wake him up. A little coffee'll do the trick.

Ahh. That's sweet. What a lovely ending. They cut out the best word. Didn't that movie used to have a war in it? Come on, you. You've been warned. Picture yourself on a beautiful sailboat. Ah. Can't you just feel the sea breeze in your hair? Oh, boy.

I've been waiting for you, Lisa. How did you know my name? Your name tag. Would you like to know your future? Sorry. I don't believe in fortune-telling. I should go. What's your hurry? Bart, Maggie and Marge are at the joust, and Homer is heckling the puppet show.

All week, my lifelong dream was to be the next Thomas Edison, but now it's over. I guess I'll just give up my hopes and dreams... and settle for being a decent husband and father. Homer! Dad! Huh? What happened? You didn't fall.

Sign here. I got hooked on this in the service. Ah! My new watering hole. Yeah, what do you want?! A beer. Okay, then. Can I have a clean glass?

Barney, have a free beer. Wow! Don't worry, I'm not betting. What? Give me that. Aw.

but also became a great movie-- called Ghostbusters.

Attention on deck! Captain Tennille wishes to address you. I'm a man of few words. Any questions?

- Hey Homer, how's your car coming ? - Oh, fine. We were putting in an onboard something-or-other... and rack and peanut steering.

Our tour starts in own room where Relaxo-vision offers you the latest Hollywood hits and after midnight the finest "R" rated movies Europe has to offer.

You can't put me on hold! I'll put you on hold! I am a lineman for the county Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold. And I drive the main road There are eight calls ahead of you.

This is the stupidest thing I've ever seen. I can't believe we blew 2,000 bucks on it when right now rollers could be kneading my buttocks. Could you stop thinking about your ass? I try, but I can't.

Lenny and Carl. Aw, nuts! I mean, um-- Aw, nuts!

Malibu Stacy, America's favorite eight-and-a-half-incher. In 1959, homemaker Stacy Lavelle had a design and a dream. The design? Malibu Stacy. The dream? To mass-market a fashion doll that was also edible.

Anyhoo, now that I'm your king again--

Hi, folks. I'm Mark McGwire. Big Mac himself. Who'd have thunk it? Young Bart here was right. We are spying on you pretty much around the clock.

Aw, I don't know how to punish you. What does Marge usually do? She makes me taste beer. Come on, boy. Give your old man a little credit. Yeah? Well, I still get to punish you.

Like the cleaning of a house, it Never Ends.

D'oh, no. I said steamed hams. That's what I call hamburgers.

How the hell should I know? just get in the cage.

You're selling what now? I'm selling only the concept of karmic realignment. You can't sell that! Karma can only be portioned out by the cosmos. He's got me there. Is he still out there? Yes. He's raking leaves. What? That's your job!

Arr. I don't know what I'm doin'.

Go suck a Bible!

BART: This place looks familiar. It used to be The Leaning Tower of Pizza. They just painted the tower brown. Either way, everyone who works in the kitchen speaks Spanish.

That's the joke. You suck, McBain! Now, my Woody Allen impression. I'm a neurotic nerd who likes to sleep with little girls. Hey, that really sucked!

Hello, Moe? We know you're the one behind this, so knock it off, or we're going to the cops! No, no, I'll take care of it. Okay, it's over. Get 'em outta here! Ha! Ha! Hmm! Hmm! All right. ¡ÁNdale! ¡ÁNdale!

I'll just hang out next to the girls' juvie. Hello, ladies. I'm Gina. You touch my fence again, and your puberty's gonna be very boring. (GRUNTS) (ALL LAUGHING)

And I owe it all to a little glove slap.

The zombies have the Earthlings on the run. Soon, the human race will wither and fall, like the earth plums we have seen on the observe-a-scope.

Would you like us to sing you a special song? - Hell, no. - You got it. Ready, Señor Beaveratti? I'm a-ready. And a-one, and a-two... You're the birthday You're the birthday You're the birthday boy or girl...

Janie, school is never a waste of time. Since we have 15 minutes until recess please put down your pencils and stare at the front of the room.

Meh. But the TV gave me the impression that-- We said, "Meh." M-E-H. "Meh." Well, I'd like to go. How about you, Maggie? Aww!

Me! Me! Me! Well, you're in luck 'cause we're gonna act out a scene, and I'll need a volunteer to play Obi-Wan. Kenobi? Over here! Here! Mark! Mark! Mark! Mark! Pick me! My whole life has been leading to this moment. Like hell it has. If anybody's gonna play Obi, it's me. Step away, foolish amateurs. Just keep back. Keep out of it. The role is mine.

sunrise, sunset cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon yes, we have no bananas Oh, that's sweet, Homer. Our son is growing up, isn't he? No, it's not that. Didn't you hear?

Oh, oh, oh! You're so not listening! Okay, i hear that. i hear that, dudes!

Smithers, what are you doing up here? What are you doing with his ball? And all those other balls? Uh, there are no other balls. just these, uh, reptile eggs! Oh, step away! They're endangered.

Who caN take your trash out Stomp it down For you shake the plastic bag and do the twisty thingy too

Oh! You'll never catch me! I'm traveling at the speed of wind! (CHUCKLES) Remember me for my police work and not the murders... Well done. Their fleet is destroyed. (SINISTER LAUGHTER)

Who feels like lunch?

Um, uh-- Well, start by readin' the sentence. "Two... wentam and jolly were"--

Angry yawns. Desperate to polish their tarnished image, the family agreed... to a live appearance at the iowa State Fair. Right from the start I had a bad feeling about that gig.

Awesome! So long, suckers! Why don't we do something to take our minds off the storm?

Oh, my God! Beer delivery. Sign here. No! It's you! Oh, boy! Gimme that!

It's all a part of our Krusty Burger Olympic Sweepstakes. just scratch off the name of the Olympic event on your game card, and if America wins a gold medal... you win a free Krusty Burger! Mmm, mmm, mmm!

From now on we use regular toilet paper, not that fancy quilted kind.

That's why I invented this revolutionary makeup gun. It's for the woman who only has four-fifths of a second to get ready. Close your eyes, Marge. And now you're ready for a night on the town. Homer, you've got it set on "whore."

Oh, Homer, I've been the world's biggest rat. Can you ever forgive me? Oh, I could never stay mad at you, Moe. After all, you get me drunk. Aw!

(ROARING) Basta. Basta. Take my picture with the Internet Mama Luke. (ROARING) - (GIBBERING) - (BEEPING) The Internet wasn't created for mockery.

I'm hoping you enjoy this movie. It made every Indian critic's Top 400 list. La, la, la, la, la, I'm in love with lovely Johnny

Hello, Muddah Hello, Faddah Here I am at Camp Granada - Marge, is Lisa at Camp Granada? Now to put this tape... where no one will ever listen to it.

Oh, Homie, I think I'm going to be sick. There was a farmer who had a dog - And Bingo was his name - Oh B-i-n-g-o B-i-n-g-o B-i-n-g-o and Bingo was his name, oh Homie, get in the car.

Galveston, oh, Galveston Is this all he watches? He used to watch Davy and Goliath but he thought the idea of a talking dog was blasphemous.

You traded my soul for pogs?

Can I borrow A feeling could you lend me A jar of love hurting hearts Need Some healing take my hand with your glove of love

Lovin' till the morning Ooh, I hear this really sucks. Hmm, director's commentary.

Oh, wait. Here's a good one. "Do." "Id." Triple word score. Hey, no abbreviations. Not I.D., Dad. "Id." It's a word. - As in, "This game is stup-id." - Hey, shut up, boy. Yeah, Bart. You're supposed to be developing verbal abilities... for your big aptitude test tomorrow.

I really thought I could handle this, but-- I think so too. Bye. Uhh.

Meet me at the tree house, Bart. And come alone.

I think you need Skinner, Bart. Everybody needs a nemesis. Sherlock Holmes had his Dr. Moriarty. Mountain Dew has its Mello Yello. Even Maggie has that baby with the one eyebrow.

I was really starting to enjoy... Ethnic Mismatch Comedy #644! I've never heard so many Viagra jokes in 30 seconds. Shut up-a your mouth!

Now, Simpson, because of your many years as a nuclear technician, we're putting you on a nuclear sub. "NUC-u-lar"! It's pronounced, "nuc-u-lar." Oh, whatever. "NUC-u-lar."

Whee! Whee! Don't be scared, Maggie. Daddy won't drop you.

Oh, gosh. You know, I'm not much on speeches, but it's so gratifying... to leave you wallowing in the mess you've made. You're screwed. Thank you. Bye. He's right. He ain't much on speeches. Now, people, we are far from screwed.

Come! Let us kill them before learning of the magical secret which they possess!

So I'm in the grocery store the other day, buying some cotton balls. The absorbent kind? You got that right, my friend.

Marge, Bart, Lisa and Maggie. Dad, this doesn't have your name on it. Kids, would you step outside for a second? F--

Bart, you're so funny.

Hello, I'm Dr. Cheeks. I'm doin' my rounds, and, uh, I'm a little behind.

Wait a second! I'm in jail because of you. You were my friend, and you betrayed me! Oh, my God. He's right. Oh! How could I treat a friend that way? Exactly. Exactly!

Yeah. Like-- Yeah! Okay. Great. Okay. Let-Let's just try that again. Okay? Come on.

Somebody help me! I think I'm getting swimmer's ear!

All right. Settle down. Anita Bath here?

Whoa, this is so dangerous. Yeah, you're right. D'oh! Why, you--

Jingle bells jingle bells Bart! Why are you doing that? I don't know.

I don't understand it. That was nonalcoholic champagne.

Mr. Tom jones. Hello, Marge. That's it.

Oh. Whew! For a minute there, I thought I was in big trouble. It's just-- D'oh!

An elephant just knocked over your mailbox. Okay.

Sure, your dad's singing could make your hair curl But you too, Bart, have Sung and danced like A girl Eep.

According to this magazine, Bart might be jealous of her. Yeah, well, Bart can kiss my hairy yellow butt. From now on, the baby sleeps in the crib. Iron helps us play!

If he's so smart, how come he's dead?

There he is! There's the man that sexually harassed me! Oh. Whew! For a minute there, I thought I was in big trouble. It's just-- D'oh!

Honey, can we make up again ?

You were supposed to get her that stupid diary! But it's a personalized video about my favorite little star... Lisa Simpson. Well, this could be fun. Let's watch it.

This is my year, Marge. Everyone knows I'm what makes this city great. I don't know. There's a lot of buzz around Lenny.

Uh-huh. Uh, what region? Uh, upstate New York. Really. Well, I'm from Utica, and I've never heard anyone use the phrase "steamed hams." Oh, not in Utica. No. It's an Albany expression. I see. You know, these hamburgers are quite similar to the ones they have at Krusty Burger.

I've got two tickets to paradise Excellent guitar riff.

We know you don't have any more money left. But that doesn't matter. Just take whatever you need from our boutiques... until you can get back on your feet. Thank God we're back in Hollywood, where people treat each other right.

Hey! Mom, Bart's throwing peas! Bart, don't throw peas at your sister. Mr. Burns throws peas at Smithers. Ow! That was a big one! Homer, say something. Okay. Lisa, quit getting in the way of your wealthy brother's peas.

Let's go to barney's bowl-a-rama... I'm Chuck Ellis from the Springfield Collection Agency and I'm here to ask you why you don't think you need to pay your bills?

but first I have to say good-bye to some friends. Friends, you have come to depend on me as your safety watchdog... so you won't scrape yourself or stub your toes...

Hmm. Ow! Pointy. Eww! Slimy. Uh-oh! Moving. Aha! Aw. Twenty dollars. I wanted a peanut. Twenty dollars can buy many peanuts. Explain how. Money can be exchanged for goods and services.

Tonight Chloe interviews Bob Dylan. So, Bob, what religion are you converting to now? Hey, I'll tell you one thing... (UNINTELLIGIBLE GIBBERISH) No war. Shalom.

I can try. March your butt right out here, now ! No way, man. But-- Son, if you don't come out, I can't hug you and kiss you and make you feel all better. You think I'm dumb enough to fall for that ? I'm insulted.

"Do the message!" So long. I'm gonna sleep over at Ralph's. Oh! See, I knew you'd find something you liked about him. Oh, I found something, all right. After the beep.

Hey, this ain't art! It's business! What do ya got in mind? Sexy broad? Gangster octopus? No. No. The animal chain of command goes... mouse, cat, dog. D-O-G.

Now grab yourself a beer and get me one too. - This girlfriend of yours, is she a real looker ? - Uh-huh. A lot on the ball ? Oh, yeah. Oh, son, don't overreach ! Go for the dented car, the dead-end job, the less attractive girl.

And now I'm guilty of possession. I could go to prison! Unless I testify against you. Marge, it's making my eyes better. And it's legal. I could walk up to the president and blow smoke in his stupid monkey face, and he'd just have to sit there groovin' on it.

Oh, it's hopeless. Utterly, utterly hopeless. Oh, I see. When it's one of my schemes, you can't foil it fast enough. But when Cecil tries to kill you, "It's hopeless. Utterly, utterly hopeless."

Bart! (LAUGHING) (CHOKING) Why can't you be friends like me and Mr. Finger?

Oh, my stomach hurts.

Wow... chocolate, half-price! La la la-la-la-la-la Mr. Simpson. La-la-la-la-la Mr. Simpson? Huh? Oh, sorry. We were talking about chocolate? That was ten minutes ago.

My name is Barney, and I'm an alcoholic. Mr. Gumble, this is a Girl Scout meeting. Is it? Or is it that you girls can't admit you have a problem?

That's right. It's the Brad Goodman... something or other. Marge, can I go outside and play? Shh. A few weeks ago, I was a washed-up actor with a drinking problem. Then Brad Goodman came along and gave me this job and a can of fortified wine. Ahh! Sweet liquor eases the pain.

"Would Jesus microwave a burrito so hot... that he himself could not eat it?" Well, sir, of course he could. But then again-- Wow, as melon scratchers go, that's a honey doodle. Now you know what I've been going through. Well, luckily, I've got a book right here that's jam-packed with answers.

You.. bad dog. Bad... neighbor dog. Here. Let me help you up, Mr. Burns.

Ooh. Hey, hey. Come in! And then take that, and put that in there,

and you're giving me a hissy fit. Marge, can I get some change for the candy machine? Oh, here! Hey, there's some quarters in here.

You blew it up! Damn you! Damn you all to hell! Thank you. I'm afraid that's all we have time for.

Arr! It begins. The dolphins are upon us. And only this old sea dog knows how to stop the-- Arr! Rarr!

Won't you think of the children?

Unbelievable. Dumb-ass.

I'll help with your next charity scam. The word is "drive." Sure, sure. Bob's your uncle. Let's just get out of here.

Honey, I'm so glad you're home. Can't talk. See Flanders. Later sex.

Scully, you're cut. Uh, Brooks, Groening, Simon, you're all cut. Castellaneta, gone. Kavner, cut. Cartwright, cut. Smith, sorry. Cut. Azaria and Shearer, you're cut. Firestone, you're cut. So is judge. Namath, you stay. All of those people are cut.

Ooh! Where's Waldo? Nope. Nope. This would be a lot easier without all these people. Nope. Nope. He's there! Uh, no. Homer! Waldo, where are you?

Thanks for poisoning the planet, bastard. Get bent. No more Chernobyls! Go to hell!

Race Banyon and Buzz Aldrin, the second man on the moon. Second comes right after first.

So, how do you like being a walrus, Dad? ts great! I havent been this skinny since high school. Homie, someone owes me a back scratch. Mmm! Mmm.

Even so, sir. We could stand to lay off a few employees. Oh! Very well. Lay off... him, him, him, him-- Hmm.

"Caution. Exit through door seven only. All other rooms contain man-eating tigers." Roman numerals? They never even tried to teach us that in school!

All right, here's the 411, folks. Say some gangsta is dissin' your fly girl. Ya just give' em one of these. Ooh, eh, ah, ooh

Da-da da-da-da Hey! Da-da-da-da da-da da-da-da Hey! Da-da I now pronounce you husband and wife. You may now kiss... each other.

Lisa! Mom, where'd you get that car? I stole it from McBain after I cut off your father's thumb. Can you take me to school, please? Not right now. Your father's in there, and-- Did you ever see that Blue Man Group? Oh, he's on the Blue Man Group again. Come on. We've got lots of time.

(BOTH SCREAMING)

Turns out he had an impacted anal gland. The excitement never stops. Chloe, would you like to see slides of our trip to Athens...

Madam, your children are no more... than a pair of ill-bred troublemakers. Lisa too? Especially Lisa! But especially Bart! If he crosses me one more time, just once more, well, I can't be held responsible for my actions.

Marge, every woman I interview for the secretary job makes kissy faces at me. Mmm. Hello, Mr. Simpson. I'm Carl. He sounds good. Hire him.

Thank you, Dr. Hibbert. I rest my case. You rest your case? What? Oh, no. I thought that was just a figure of speech. Case closed.

Wow. Excuse me. My microwave johnnycakes are ready.

All right. This is my memory box. I haven't opened it in 30 years. Ooh! A letter from my old pen pal. Someday I'll write you back, Osama.

Let me tell you the two most important words... you will ever hear in your life-- choke chain.

And what are those men doing under my van? Look, lady, if I was you, I would just leap into the air, as I'm preparing to do. - Here ya go, Homer. - Thanks, Moe.

Good luck, kids. Where the hell's my grilled cheese?

Close your eyes, Marge.

Oh, I wish! You see, that night when you hit me with your car-- I'm making record time on this fog walk. Better pick up the pace.

We're gonna groove tonight We'll make you feel all right Simpsons Christmas boogie

Ladies and gentlemen, I'm going to prove to you not only that Freddy Quimby is guilty, but that he is also innocent of not being guilty. I refer you to my expert witness, Dr. Hibbert. Well, only one in two million people has... what we call the "evil gene." Hitler had it. Walt Disney had it.

Wow! TV's Kent Brockman.

Say "ah," baby. Ah... (GAGGING) I'm dying! And there's heaven. But who's that? Confucius? And Milton Berle? Boy, have I been barking up the wrong tree.

Willie Nelson will astound his fans by swimming the English Channel. Really? Willie Nelson?

Hey, you, let's fight. Them's fightin' words. Duff, please.

Drederick, uh, what do you think of Homer Simpson? I think he's a good man. I like him. I got nothing against him, but I'm definitely gonna make orphans of his children. Uh, they do have a mother, Champ. Yes, but I would imagine that she would die of grief.

It was only a dream. Bart! Is that you? Yes! Take out the garbage.

And off to your left is Hugh Hefner's Shelbyville pad. A lot of people know about the grotto and the game room. Of course. But few know about the laboratory, the biosphere, the alternative energy research center. Fascinating.

Open the glove compartment and fetch me my brain medicine.

You know she's gonna wind up marrying Richard Gere. I thought she'd wind up with that rich snob. Ably played by Bill Paxton. It's Bill Pullman, you fool! Point out your plot holes elsewhere.

Well, it just explains that you've... won-- yes, that's it-- won the first annual... Montgomery Burns... uh... Award for... Outstanding Achievement in the Field of... Excellence.

You insensitive jerk!

Again with the Klingons! Mr. Scott, give me full power. It's no good, Captain. I cannot reach the control panel. Movies! What a rip-off! I don't have to sit here and take this! I--

Tonight, When Dinosaurs Get Drunk-- Hmm. Oh. Oh, I've been there, man. ...has been canceled. What? Instead we bring you The Boring World of Niels Bohr.

Who ordered the steamed gentile?

Come on, Lisa. If you don't believe me, look at this book that I found. She's right ! Humans, you have stopped eating. Listen, you big, stupid space creature, nobody, but nobody, eats the Simpsons !

Mmm! Here he is, Rex Harrison and Paul Anka rolled into one. Ooh! That tonic really works. You and Grampa should bottle it and go into business. You want me to spend more time with Dad? What about my New Year's resolution?

This film will self-destruct... if not properly stored. We believe Burns still has that bill hidden somewhere in his house. But all we've ascertained from satellite photos is that it's not on the roof. We're hoping that as his trusted employee, you can help lead us to it. But Mr. Burns gave me my job, and he hasn't fired me...

I don't know what that is, but on Fridays, you come straight home after school! Tonight is silhouette night. Sit there. I really just came home to change into a turtleneck. Seymour, sit! In the morning. Oh, Mom, I'm borrowing your car.

we're gonna have to set aside our differences. Together we can lead America into a new golden age. Friend, you got a deal. Homer, let us out. It's time to tear those aliens a third corn chute. Hmm, hmm, hmm. Uh, there. D'oh!

Well, you get the idea. My father was the most respected man in the lower East Side of Springfield. People would come from miles around to ask his advice. Reb Krustofski, should I finish college?

Ow. Ow. Stupid trash. Rotten. Stinky. Hate world. Revenge soon. Take out on everyone. Garbage water! Oh! You're pushin' me, baby!

We have to protect them because trees can't protect themselves. Except, of course, the Mexican fighting trees.

I believe you have a letter for me. Okay, Mr. Burns. Uh, what's your first name? I don't know. Well, Homer, maybe you can take some consolation...

When I was young, toys were built to last. Look at this junk! It breaks the first time you take it out of the box. And look at these toy soldiers! They'll break the second I step on 'em. Stupid... toy... soldiers! Break, you stupid--

Hey, kid, wake up. Who are you? I'm Laura, your new neighbor. You all right? She's beautiful. Say something clever. I fell on my bottom. D'oh!

in a tell-all book blasting the family. To prolong the run of the series, I was secretly given antigrowth hormones. That's ridiculous. How could I even get all five necessary drops into her cereal? What?

Oh, I wish I had these on my space adventure. Did you know I was blasted into space two years ago, Mom? Oh, sure. I read all about it. I mean-- It was national news. Do you... still work for NASA? - No, I work at the nuclear power plant. - Oh, Homer. Well, you'll be happy to know I don't work very hard.

There's something you don't see in a toilet every day.

Can you believe it, Marge? This job is the greatest. They're paying me to eat! If you could just get somebody to pay you for scratching your butt, we'll be on easy street. Why, you little--

Name, please? Simpson family. We're not poor. Well, we're not. Go on in. They're expecting you at the clubhouse. Look at this!

Oh, I wish I could believe you.

And I think to myself what A wonderful world

Don't worry, Bart. They won't bother you anymore. I hardly ever let Mother fight for me anymore. Sorry, Bart. I'm gonna hang out with Lisa. For protection... and to be seen!

(WOMAN SCREAMS) (THEME PLAYED IN SINISTER TUNE)

there's something you need to know about me. I think girls are icky pants.

- What a pooch. - Woof woof!

I fear the boys will beat the living snot out of me.

Looks like bad news for the... Impson family.

Homer, no! Uh-oh. My house! Hey, how you doin'?

That doll tried to kill me. I'd say that the pressure's finally gotten to Dad, but what pressure?

Bart. Huh? Ha! Mrs. Krabappel, I-- I didn't-- Attention. This is Principal Skinner, your principal, with a message from the principal's office. All students please proceed immediately to an assembly... in the Butthead Memorial Auditorium.

In the den? May God have mercy on us all.

(COCKS GUN) Yeah. All the way down. (COCKS GUN) What you said didn't really add much. (COCKS GUN) I know. I just wanted to belong. (COCKS GUN) Well, we all feel that way sometimes. (COCKS GUN) (GUNS COCKING)

Whew! Just Italians. His float’s already moving. I didnt even hear the engine start. Yeah. ts really runnin' quiet. Some mechanic tuned it up right before the parade. A mechanic?

Tappa-tappa-tappa, tappa-tappa-tappa. Oh. Whoa! Ow! Sorry. The floor's kind of at an angle here. I'm gonna move over there. Okay. From tappa-tappa-tappa. Lisa's bad dancing makes my feet sad.

Boo! Here I am. Yah! No! Stop! I left my gun on the seat! Hey! Wait here, please.

Here you go, little lady. And for the record, there were a few jewish cowboys-- big guys who were great shots and spent money freely.

Exam? Oh! This is just like one of those bad dreams!

- May I have some more lima beans, please? - Certainly. - More than that. - Certainly. More. More. More. Uh, maybe you should eat the ones you have. I didn't say I was gonna eat them. I just wanted to look at them because they're so gross. What's for dessert?

Please, Lisa. I thought you loved me.

Town crier. I'd like to ask you a few questions. One: Where's the fife? And two: Give me the Fife.

So many previews. So many previews. So many previews. And now our feature presentation.

Hello, I'm Troy McClure. You might remember me from such instructional videos as... Mothballing Your Battleship and Dig Your Own Grave and Save.

No, I'm just Milhouse when he gets hurt. Ohh!

Oh, sure. Like lawyers work in big skyscrapers and have secretaries. Look at him. He's wearing a belt. That's Hollywood for you.

I know. I'm sorry. Sorry for what? Saving your father's life? What? It's true. You see, these boils on Homer's neck are pent-up rage. If Bart's trap hadn't set Homer off, the anger would've overwhelmed Homer's system. You mean I shouldn't punish Bart at all? Why, if anything, he should punish you?

Got to pay your dues if you wanna sing the blues And you know it don't come easy You don't have to shout Or leap about You can even play them easy

That's all right, son. There's probably a downside I don't see.

She still embodies all the awful stereotypes she did before. But she's got a new hat. I want it. I want it. I want it.

Oh! She's going to be here any second. Oh, yes! That will buy me some time. Homer, you've got to help me. Okay.

It's been done.

I ain't goin' on some clown show. I'm retired. No one expects you to do anything difficult.

So my mom works at Hooters.

Something wrong, Officer? Yep. Got a taillight out. - Where? - Right there.

bring out the birthday cake. Hey, kids,

That and the sand bucket. What's that stuff? Why, this is retardant. Sure is. And what's that? That's called a hose lengthener. You need one. What's this? just read the label. It's a king-sized flamer!

Hmm. That's one small step for man. One giant leap for mankind. Yummy, yummy, yummy I got love iN my tummy and I feel like lovin' you

Apu Nahasapeemapetilon. Eh, never fit on a marquis, luv. From now on your name is Apu de BeaumarchÉ. It is a great dishonor to my ancestors and my god, but okay.

Come on. Quit fooling around, you guys. So we meet again, Mr. Bond. Bart, get out of my anchor chair. Silence, Octopussy. Come on. This isn't a joke.

They can't lock me up for long, Agnes. Will you wait for me? Are you crazy? My bones are half dust.

Shut up, you! Stop teasing the big-bottomed lass. She's just as God made her, plump as a Christmas goose.

It's the TV movie of the year-- The Krusty the Klown Story: Booze, Drugs, Guns, Lies, Blackmail and Laughter. Starring Fyvush Finkel as Krusty the Clown.

Could you explain your model, young man? What's to explain? He's an idiot! Pipe down! Well, basically, I just copied the plant we have now. Hmm. Then I added some fins to lower wind resistance-- And this racing stripe here, I feel is pretty sharp.

Can you believe it? Tradition forbids me even to speak to the woman... I'm about to spend my life with. Has the whole world gone crazy? Nah. Just your screwy country. Your old friend Apu is a lamb being led to the slaughter. Don't worry, Apu. Someday, you'll meet someone you really love.

Choke on your candor!

Good girl, Maggie! You knocked down all the pins.

Well, she may be helping my career, but she's starting to cramp my style. Oh, who cares? The offers are rolling in. Paramount wants you for a buddy comedy with Rob Lowe and Hugh Grant. Those sick freaks? Okay. Then get this. I think they want you to play McBain's sidekick in-- brace yourself--

Oh, man, There goes Peter Frampton's big finale. He's gonna be pissed off. You're damn right I'm gonna be pissed off! I bought that pig at Pink Floyd's yard sale! - Dad, are you okay? - I'm fine.

Stop saying things!

- Na-na, na-na, na-na, na-na - leader na-na, na-na, na-na, na-na leader na-na, na-na, na-na, na-na leader na-na, na-na, na-na, na-na leader leader, leader batman i mean-- Leader I love the Leader.

Listen, Marge... uh... how would you feel if I told you the dog ran away? Homer, that's awful. Oh. Well, I got good news. The dog didn't run away. Well, good. I'm coming home, honey. You can pick me up in an hour and bring the kids. Bye.

The Baby-sitter Bandit has left a trail of her daring nighttime robberies... across the continental United States. She could be lurking anywhere, about to descend upon another house full of unsuspecting dupes. Eee ! Wow !

Hear ye. Hear ye. What's for breakfast? Toast. I don't understand thee, Marge. Hmm. Ye olde toast. Whoo-hoo.

Please don't call our parents. I'm afraid I have to, for hijinks like these. "Hijinks." It's a funny word-- Three dotted letters in a row. Is it hyphenated? It used to be-- Back in the bad ol' days, you know. Of course, every generation hyphenates the way it wants to. Then there's 'N Sync. What the hell is that?

When we get to 35,000 feet he usually does let go, so from there on out, all we have to do... is worry about Mothra, and we do have reports... he's tied up with gamera and Rodan at the present time. Thank you very much.

This is most exciting Nobel Prize ceremony ever. I disagree.

Live from fabulous Centauri City,

But I'll pass your file along to-- Brown. Mmm. Heck of a school. Weren't you at Brown, Otto? Yep. Almost got tenure too. No! Not Brown! Brown. Brown. Brown. Lisa, you're saying "Brown" an awful lot. Are you okay?

Theme from a summer place From a summer place The theme from a summer place It's the theme--

It just does. Name me one gay Indian. Uh-oh. Something's gonna die. Butt out, buttinsky. What would you know about hunting? I know this much. I wouldn't wear that hideous hat. Here. Take this one. It was worn by Yale Summers in Daktari. Hang on to it, toy boy. You might need it... when it starts raining naked ladies.

Some people say that to love your country is old-fashioned, uncool, real melvin. Well, to them I say-- Oh beautiful For spacious skieS For amber waves of grain One, two, three, four! Left A good Job in the city

The doctor thought I might have brain damage. Dad, what's the point of this story? I like stories.

Oh, thank you, Homie. A Lady Remington.

Well, I see President Fillmore is in the news again. Glug, glug, glug. What'll it be, boys? Just three X's for me. Give me five.

If you can tell me why I shouldn't fire you without using the letter "E," you can keep your job. Uh, okay. Um-- I'm a good work-- guy. You're fired. But I didn't say-- You will. Eeeeeeee!

you just might be a Viking. That's what I get for sitting up front, eh? Oh, I love these jesters.

SpriNgfield, springfield it's A hell of a town the School yard's up and The shopping mall's down the stray dogs go to the animal pound spriNgfield, Springfield springfiEld springfield new york, new york new york is thataway, man. Thanks, kid.

Of course, because you wouldnt want to-

My Bologna has A first name it's h-o-m-e-r my Bologna has A second name it's h-o-m-e-r oh, I Scram!

Well, I don't see how it is. Nobody's even told me your name yet. I'm still not givin' up on Buck. There must be some harebrained, half-assed way-- This just in: A robbery is in progress at the National Bank of Springfield.

Here. Have some nuts. Hey, thanks. Ow! God! My eye! Ow! Get it out! Geez! Gaagh! Don't pull. Don't pull. I said don't pull! Don't! Now we're pulling into port.

I know. Well done, monkey. That other panda gave some unexpected 'zazz to the festivities, eh? Maybe for you. How come you didn't rescue me? Too busy trying to keep my sides from splitting. It's happened before. Monty say, monkey do. What could be better?

No, they are our wives, they are our daughters, our sisters, our grandmas, our aunts, our nieces and nephews. Well, not our nephews. They are our mothers.

Honey, I know you wanna see japan, but we're down to our last million yen. Don't worry, ichiban. I'll show you something japanese.

a lifetime member of your wonderful organization. Homer, you can't join up with these gun nuts. Oh, come on. Be fair, Marge. For once in your life, be fair!

Her brother had this to say. Lisa is a nut. She has a rubber butt. Every time she turns around, it goes putt putt. Indeed. But that rubber butt doesn't have much time for turning around these days.

Hmm. Really makes you think. What does that even mean? Mom might not see through you, but I do. You don't care about any of these people. Well, if I'm guilty of anything, maybe it's caring too much. I'm Bart Simpson. Stop talking like that. Stop it.

If I stop pedaling, I'll die. But it still beats U.S. Air. The people there don't know how to make a flight.

Are these morons getting dumber, or just louder? Dumber, sir. They won't give up the Bear Patrol,

and the lady's ring, I'm afraid. Oh, dear. Repossessing stuff is the hardest part of my job.

Chocolate microscopes? You know those guitars that are, like, double guitars, you know? More rubber stamps. Principal Skinner, this is your secretary. There is one last student here to see you. That's odd. I don't have a secretary or an intercom. But send him in.

All right. Your current location? Oh. Uh, I'm a-- I'm on a road. Looks to be asphalt. Um, aw, geez. Trees, shrubs. I'm directly under the Earth's sun... now. We now interrupt this program for a special bulletin.

Now, when the wealthy dowager comes in, the party's over, right? Wrong!

Ten, nine, eight-- eight-- eight-- eight-- Ohh! Will this horrible year never end?

Shoe shine, sir? Comb your hair for ya? Sir? - Humph. - Sir? Sir? Sir? Okay. Catch you on the way back. Oh, hi, kids. Hi, Chester.

What the hell! Oh, no! Oh, man! Your Frisbee jammed the juice-ilator, Homer. Our entire shipment is ruined!

And not a single sea creature was wasted. You inspired it all, Li'l Lisa. Oh! YOu--

Now if you'll excuse me, I've got some dust that needs busting. This is Kent Brockman... at the scene of a level three rhino alert. Authorities say there's no immediate danger to anyone-- except those three luckless people whom we'll identify... once the rhinos spit out their wallets.

So! Oh, geez. This looks bad. Better turn on the old Wiggum charm. Pervert! Oh, boy. That sounded bad.

Must... call... Smithers. He'll protect me from this beast. I've seen people activate this machine a thousand times. Doesn't seem to be any trick to it. Let's see. Smithers. S-M-i-T-H-E-R-S. Success! It's ringing.

Hello, is this President Clinton? Good! I figured if anyone knew where to get some Tang, it'd be you. Shut up! Excuse me.

Someone's yellow belly is showing. Oh, sorry. Ah, geez. Right in the eyes. Chief Wiggum!

Dang! D'oh! Dad, what do we do? The only thing we can do. Sit tight and try to get some sleep.

How can we get across?

Would you two like to go to the ballet? That's girl stuff.

- I'll get you, squealer. - Ow! Okay, that's it. On behalf of Sack Stuffers local 199, I'm callin' a strike. Strike! Strike! Strike! Strike! Strike! Strike!

Oh. So you're lookin' for a Mr. Smithers, eh? First name Waylon, is it? Listen to me, you! When I catch you, I'm gonna pull out your eyes and shove 'em down your pants... so you can watch me kick the crap outta you! Okay? Then I'm gonna use your tongue to paint my boat. Ooh.

we ouGhta drown you just like cats adults, you run our lives like you're Colonel klink adults, you strut around like your farts don't stink adults, you're suCh a drooling, Snoring boozing, boring bunch surly, meanie three-martini lunchers

Don't worry. She'll be cracking rocks by the end of the week. You glorified night watchman let her go! But she broke the law. Thanks for the civics lesson. If Marge Simpson goes to jail I can kiss the chick vote good-bye and if I go down, you're breaking my fall!

and nobody would care but the heart and soul of springfield's in our maison derriere

f Radio: Child Announcer] You 're listening to Radio Disney. The songs you io ve re written for babies! w' Who ieit the milk out; ; Yuck, yuck, yuck-yuck; J Dad left the milk out Yuck, yuck, yuck-yuck; That's good satire. It doesnt hurt anyone.

Oh, thank you, God. And thank you, Port-a-john. You really saved my-- Who's out there? Oh, I'm gonna die! jesus, Allah, Buddha, I love you all!

Homer. Welcome to my home, brother. Holy moly ! The bastard's rich !

- You're being completely paranoid. - Oh, am I? Am I really? Aha! Hello. All right, pal, where'd you get the sugar for that tea? I nicked it when you let your guard down for that split second. And I'd do it again. Good-bye.

Authorization code? Code? Son, this is Colonel Hapablap! That fool McGuckett sprayed runway foam all over Chuck Yeager's Acura. Now get down there with the chamois triple-time! But, Colonel, I'm under strict orders to-- Sweet Enola Gay, son! Get moving or I'll tear you up like a Kleenex at a, uh, snot party. Sir, right away, sir!

Sooner or later people like that are exposed as frauds.

Computers can do that?

Hey, Frosty, you want some snow, man? We discussed this, and I said no.

you'll hear a recipe for a really ripping lentil soup.

If it wasn't for me, you'd still be queen. You must hate me. Dad, do you remember why you entered me in that pageant? - I don't know. Was I drunk? - Possibly. But the point is, you wanted me to feel better about myself, and I do. Really? Uh-huh. Will you remember this the next time I wreck your life?

a lot of carbon monoxide, so keep the window open. Cat in the furnace. Uh, you know, I think I'll take Maggie with us.

You'll live to regret this!

Oh, forget about it. That Mr. Takahashi's a lunatic.

Man, I have really had it with you tree huggers. Tree huggers. - Something funny, nature boy? - No. I just thought it was cute when you called him-- All right, Max Power. Eddie, swab this joker's eyes with Mace. "swab"? I thought it was a spray. Okay. She's second.

Of course, one thing mother blue jay can't defend against... is a set of steel tongs. Eggs. Precious eggs. If they're to survive, they require the gentle warmth and tender love... that only a mother can provide. Or better yet, a 75-watt bulb.

Oh, no. Quite the opposite. It's made you weak as a kitten. Look! Hey, come on. Quit it. Coochy coochy coo! Stop. Please stop. Oh, you swing like a girl. Come on, now. Please have mercy. Got your nose. Not funny.

Good-bye, my Coney Isle-- Good-bye, my Coney Isle-- Good-bye my Coney Island babe Good-bye my Coney Island babe

Ohh! I hate these flood pants. Hey, they're working! My feet are soaked, but my cuffs are bone-dry! Everything's comin' up Milhouse!

That is some outfit, Scoey. It makes you look like a homosexual. Oh. Maybe you all are homosexuals too. This is horrible.

Hey, look! It's Elton john!

For liability purposes, it is the ocean that will kill you, not us. Hey, what do you know? It floats. That was my plan all along. Now relax, and the currents will take us home.

Yeah! Now hold on, Kang. You can't bully my audience with your fancy ray gun. And now for my final thought. Nobody wins when parents put their petty squabbles above the welfare of a child.

And I don't believe in it. It breaks up families. It turns wives against husbands, children against fathers, neighbors against me. You don't have to pay some fancy psychiatrist... ten bucks an hour to get top-notch therapy.

Bronchial tubes clearing. Asthma disappearing. Acne... remains. But asthma disappearing. My germs! My precious germs! They never harmed a soul. They never even had a chance. Whoever did this will never get past me.

It was a different time-- 1998.

So, let's review: You two screwballs have just strolled in here fresh from the sewer... and given me a bunch of bulldink about creating Itchy-- with no proof at all-- and you expect me to give you... how much?

The contents of the hijacked truck--

Hey, hold still. Keep running, Max. I can't lose him! Help him out, Lou. Uh, you better call for backup, Chief. Leave me alone! Go swab Begley. He likes it. Slow down, punk!

Homer's in the hospital! They think it's his heart! Oh, my God. - What? - Five cents off wax paper.

Faster, Willie, faster. Now, we give 'em the bikes, no one sues. What if they're dead, sir? Then we ride these bikes to Mexico and freedom, Willie! Freedom! Freedom. I'll turn you in at the first tollbooth.

Do I understand you correctly, Bartron?

Wow! I'll be right there. Barney, I'd like to put a Spanish version of your jingle on my next album. SeÑor plow no es macho eS solamente un borracho Yeah, you do that.

He can't just eat peanuts, Dad. He needs plants to live. Plants, eh? Strip the bark now, Stampy.

- That's over 16,000 kilometers. - D'oh! I'm sorry we couldn't take A cab, but I spent my last Dollar on the plane tickets.

I guess it's up to me. Ron! - You killed Ron Howard. - Okay, I'll stop.

Well, well, look who's here. Mr. No-Bribe. Sure, we'll help you. just sit down and wait for Detective Like-i-Give-A-Damn. Thank you so much. Dad. Honey, Daddy's waiting for the detective.

- Nice work, Homer! Am I proud of you! - Well-- When you go home tonight, there's gonna be another story on your house. Thank you.

Ahoy there, Dean. I understand you're taking suggestions from students, eh? Well, me and my fourth-form chums think it would be quite corking... if you'd sign over your oil well to the local energy concern. Mr. Burns.

Oh, Mom. I'm sorry I never come to see you. I'm just not a cemetery person. "Here lies"-- Walt Whitman? Damn you, Walt Whitman! I... hate... you, Walt... freakin'... Whitman! Leaves of Grass my ass!

That's him. The man who broke a dragon's heart. (CHINESE-STYLE) The man who broke a dragon's heart Homer, if you do this one small favor,

Mmm. He's "embiggened" that role with his "cromulent" performance.

They're butchering the classics. Could that bassoon have come in any more late? Oh, come on, Homer. There's lasers. You like lasers. Laser effects, mirrored balls--- John Williams must be rolling around in his grave.

Oh! Why did I have to stop at the railroad tracks? Better get Some change.

And now, a word from our new sponsor. Percodan? Aw, crap! Bart, are you ready for your history test? Oh, you bet, Mom! Ask me anything. Okay. Who was George Washington Carver? Um, the guy who chopped up George Washington? Really? Wow?

Simpson! See you at reveille, 0500 tomorrow! See you at the I.R.S.! See you in hell! From heaven.

That's it! You people have stood in my way long enough! I'm going to clown college! I don't think any of us expected him to say that.

Uh-oh, here comes our friend Bullwinkle J. Moose. Bullwinkle's antler's sprung a leak. Uh-oh ! Looks like Bullwinkle's got a taste of his own medicine. He certainly did, Bill. Wait. What did I-- Did what I say make sense ? Well, no, not really, Bill. Boy, now I know how the Pilgrims felt. What are you talking about ?

(RAPPING) Yo, yo, yo! Slide your green Into the machine. And don't expect any change, dawg. It's like a fundraising school bake sale with slang as the Saran Wrap.

You can't tell me what to do. Nothing yet.

Oh, man. He'll blow our winning streak. Yeah. Call this an unfair generalization if you must, but old people are no good at everything. Look, guys, it's not that simple. He's my boss. I'll tell you what. I'll give him a shot, and if he stinks, it'll be easier to tell him no.

I think the metric system is the tool of the devil! My car gets 40 rods to the hogshead, and that's the way I likes it! The old person's remarks will be stricken from the record.

Your lifelong dream was to be a contestant on The Gong Show. And you did it in 1977. Remember? We got more gongs than the break-dancing robot that caught on fire.

Come on. This one's easy. We give up. Well, guess! Book of Revelations. Fire-breathing lion's head. Tail made out of snakes. Who else is it gonna be? Jesus? Je-- je-- Ohh! Don't you kids know anything? The serpent of Reheboam?

But your boy went Yoko and broke up my collection. Hey, boys will be boys. I am so tired of that tautology. It's not all his fault. I blame this latchkey kid.

But soon, it's just career, career, career. My hammock! Do you understand? Mine! Don't look that way! I bet you don't know this one. How'd you like a Hertz donut?

Wow. McBain is really buffed up. You could grate cheese on those abs. Yeah. But can he do this?

I'm a white male, aged 18 to 49. Everyone listens to me, no matter how dumb my suggestions are.

One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, 10. Bye! Ah, we forfeit.

I'm a trainee. They won't even tell me what's in the secret sauce. And I can't buy you a decent wedding ring.

I'm sorry, ma'am, but everything on the menu has fish in it. What about the bread? Does that have much fish in it? Yes. Well, I have some Tic Tacs in my purse--

714 names? Better be more specific. Lazy. Clumsy. Dimwitted. Monstrously ugly. Nuts to this. I'll just go get Homer Simpson.

I'll be beaming out 11 watts of wackiness! Hour after hour of unscripted, unrehearsed comedy, featuring, uh, you know, uh, Professor Gas Can! Uh, and, uh, former president, Ike Eisenhower! Let's get busy!

So sit back and enjoy a night of worry-free-- What the fudge-- Oh, for Pete's sake! Jiminy Christmas! Darn it!

Do you come with the car? Oh, you. Do you come with the car? Oh, you.

Hmm. We didn't have a message when we left. How very odd. Hello, Muddah Hello, Faddah Here I am at Camp Granada - Marge, is Lisa at Camp Granada? Now to put this tape...

No, thank you. I'd rather push this button. Oops! No! We're all gonna die! Look, Marge, that guy has the same last name we do. Taxi!

I'd like to buy 500 shares of Animotion, Incorporated.

Outstanding Achievement in the Field of...

You want excitement? Shove this up your stocking!

You bulked up but managed to keep your femininity. And that's why I didnt win. Sorry, sir. Sorry. Starting tomorrow, I'm gonna up my glyco load... use a denser ripping gel- Denser? Damn straight. I didnt sacrifice my period for second place. I hear that.

Attach the Stone of Triumph.

Look, this one's coming onto me.

"Would Jesus microwave a burrito so hot... that he himself could not eat it?" Well, sir, of course he could. But then again-- Wow, as melon scratchers go, that's a honey doodle. Now you know what I've been going through. Well, luckily, I've got a book right here that's jam-packed with answers.

Hold that thought. Bacon up that sausage, boy!

Hey, whatsa matter, you? You crazy kid, you chasing away my business. Buzz off, Guiseppe. Pepe, go for the face!

I don't understand it's appeal. We don't expect you to, Mom.

By the way, all this barging into rooms marked "private" must have made you thirsty. Would you like a beer? Well, okay. But you can't silence Homer Simpson! I'm the friend of the downtrodden, and I'm not gonna forget what I saw here today. Of course not. Duffman, could you bring in two bottles of smooth, untainted Duff?

Krusty, have you ever seen this so-called animation genius before? Yes, I have. You have? I gave him a couple of blintzes to paint my fence, but he never did it! Those blintzes were terrible. Paint my fence! Make me. You give me back those blintzes then!

Our tireless safety engineers crash-test over 1,000 cars a year. Hey, wait, That's not a dummy. This exhibit is closed.

"Kees" me, or I'll crush you. He says what we're all thinking. I'm not thinking that.

i am so great i am so great everybody loves me I am so great Hello? Honey? Honey, honey, honey? Everybody loves-- Could you please be quiet?

You can have this. - This is about investment opportunities in Yemen. - Give me that! All right! The personals. HmM.

When suddenly-- Well, I thought Dad was the problem.

We gotta save him!

What do you want? I came to see the kids. Wait here... and don't steal any light bulbs. Hmm... - Dad! - Dad! Hey, kids.

Awesome a-power!

Get him, boy! Smash that fly! Mush him up good! Nice work, Son.

Oh, Homer, this is awful. The guy that sold me this thing... did say the wishes would bring grave misfortune. I thought he was being colorful.

There's no way I can beat this girl. She's the jack Nicklaus of the pageant circuit. Oh, I don't know that she's as attractive as jack Nicklaus.

What do those women expect? When you sign a contract with Fox, you know you're gonna be betrayed and humiliated. Quiet! The commercial's on!

Let's get 'em! To the hydrofoil! My chunky brothers, gorge yourselves at the trough of freedom!

I give you our 39th president, jimmy Carter. Oh, come on! He's history's greatest monster!

Dear Lisa-- As I write this, I am very sad. Our president has been overthrown and-- Replaced by the benevolent General Krull. All hail Krull and his glorious new regime! Sincerely, Little Girl.

Oh! I guess I was the last one. Damn it.

I just wish I-- sweet-- sweet-- s-s-sweet can. So, Mr. Simpson, you admit you grabbed her can. What do you have to say in your defense? Mr. Simpson, your silence will only incriminate you further. No, Mr. Simpson. Don't take your anger out on me. Get back! Get back! M-Mr. Simpson, no!

Stop it! Stop it! Stop it!

This will sound every three seconds... unless something isn't okay. Turn that off, Homer.

Say, folks, what's all the ruckus? john Wayne? Will you guys turn that thing down? Sweetie, if we didn't turn it down for the cops, what chance do you have? He hit her again!

I haven't been in a play since high school, and I thought it would be a good chance to meet some other adults. Sounds interesting. You know, I spend all day alone with Maggie, and sometimes it's like I don't even exist. Sounds interesting.

So if you don't want to see crude, lowbrow programming disappear from the airwaves, please, call now. Hello! Murdoch here. $10,000! You've saved my network. Wouldn't be the first time.

Remember your hippopotamus oath. Can't you do something for him? Well, we can't fix his heart, but we can tell you exactly how damaged it is. What an age we live in!

What's on the menu? (SCREAMS) (SCRATCHY GRUNTING) (SIGHS)

Twinkle, twinkle, groovy cat. How I wonder where you at. I really love the way you cook. just like me when I wrote this book. How to Make Love to Steve Allen, from the author of Happiness is a Naked Steve Allen, journey to the Center of Steve Allen, and The joy of Cooking Steve Allen. I cut my first and only album, Sax on the Beach.

I'd like the phone book for Hokkaido, Japan, please. Okay, here you go. - The phone book for Hokkaido, Japan. - Thank you. May I please use your phone? Is it a local call? Y-Y-yes.

Well, here we are. All right. Let me start off by telling you... this will not be a walk in the park. This will be the most arduous and backbreaking weekend of your life. I cannot overemphasize the dangers which-- Did you bring your family, Simpson? Uh, yes, sir. I thought I was supposed to.

They love, they share They share and love and share Love, love, love Share, share, share The Itchy & Scratchy Show Lemonade ?

What are you doing with my children? We're taking them where you can't get them! What? No! No! You can't! I won't let you! Mrs. Simpson, restrain yourself, or you'll be arrested.

Oh, Captain janeway. Mmm! Lace: the Final Brassiere. Oh, hurry up. I'm a busy man. This high-speed modem is intolerably slow. Hey. What the--

Mmm. Sixty-four slices of American cheese. Sixty-four. Sixty-three.

judgment Day is upon us. I warned you the Lord wouldn't stand for your minidresses and Beatle boots. I resisted these for 35 years. Why did I wear them today? But it's not too late to repent your sins and be embraced by the Almighty.

I think you should give that a rest, Ralph. Chief Wiggum, how'd you ever get these tickets? Krusty knows how to play ball. Ahh. Nothin' beats a good porno movie. Chief Wiggum, is this a bust? Uh, yeah,

Yeah. The doctor. Workin' 9 to 5 what A way to make A livin' ...and when ye tallow hardens, we remove it from yon mold. What a crappy candle. You've ruined our vacation.

Hey, Moe, what'll you give me for an A.A. chip? Uh, Barney, this is a five-minute chip. Ah, it's worth a Pabst.

I can't read. But you just read that card from the Gersh Agency. I recognized the logo.

Please, "ugly" is such a smelly word.

Did anyone see that new Woodsy Allen movie? You know, I like his films, except for that nervous fella's always in 'em.

Don't worry, honey. Daddy will fix that broken animal. No! I'm not gonna hurt him. I'm just gonna wake him up.

Scott, things aren't as happy as they used to be down here at the unemployment office. Joblessness is no longer just for philosophy majors. Useful people are starting to feel the pinch.

You said there'd be "Fudgeicles," Bart. Where's the "Fudgeicles"? First, it's Fudgsicle. And I know they're up here. I just need a better foothold. Hello! And the next marksman is William Tell, jr.!

Hello. What's this? Wire hangers. Expired medicine. Old newspapers! Okay, Homer, stay calm. just quietly get this stuff inside your house. Homer, you're not listening!

Kent O'Brockman live on Main Street where today... everyone is a little bit Irish... except, of course, for the gays and the Italians. All right, then. Move along. Nothin' to see here. Show's over, folks. Parades just bring out so many emotions in me-- joy, excitement, looking.

Uh, Homer Sexual? Mike Rotch? Uh, Amanda Huggenkiss? Uh, Hugh jass? Ivana Tinkle? I'm a stupid moron with an ugly face and a big butt, and my butt smells and I like to kiss my own butt? No, no, no!

Tonight's episode-- "Scuse Me While I Kill the Sky." Why are you driving a car?

Homer, You broke the handle. With that hatch open, we'll burn up on reentry!

Lunch Lady Doris, have you got any grease? Yes. Yes, we do. Then grease me up, woman! Okeydokey.

I bring you love. Is that the love between a man and a woman, or the love of a man for a fine Cuban cigar? Uh, I bring you love. It's bringing love! Don't let it get away! Break its legs!

for I am about to say something very serious, perhaps shocking. Marge, my darling, I want you to meet with me again, That doesn't shock me. away from prying eyes, away from the Helens of the world, at my apartment-- the Fiesta Terrace.

And how come Batman doesn't dance anymore? Remember the Batusi? Nice meetin' ya. Just keep moving. Don't make eye contact.

That pig looks like Lenny. Hey! Mmm! That's the next best thing to eating Lenny.

I sure like the cut of your gibberish. (RAPIDLY INTERLOCKING DOODLIES, DIDDLIES)

Bart, is that you? No!

You call hamburgers steamed hams? Yes. It's a regional dialect. Uh-huh. Uh, what region? Uh, upstate New York. Really. Well, I'm from Utica, and I've never heard anyone use the phrase "steamed hams." Oh, not in Utica. No. It's an Albany expression.

seeing that my wife just passed away.

We can't take his money. I can't take his money. I can't print my own money. I have to work for money. Why don't I just lie down and die?

Prepare to be boarded. What are you doing here? I told you. I'm not your monkey anymore. Silence, monkey. Now that you're Father Christmas,

That's not a job. It's a waste of time. What can poor people pay you? Nothin'! What satisfaction do you get from helping them? None! Who wants to help poor people anyway? Nobody! So, anyway, can I, Mom? - Can I take the job? - Well--

Well, he's got me there.

We finally have something to put in the wall safe. Hostess Twinkies? I heard if you age them for 10 years, they turn to liquor.

A powerful tidal wave in Kuala Lumpur has killed 120 people. ¡Ay, chihuahua! Whoa, whoa, whoa!

You don't understand anything! (GRUNTING) You're such a psycho! Mama's boy! Future skank! Family guy!

Marge Simpson. Hello, class! Hi, Bart. Over here, sweetie. It's me, Mom. Hi. Hey! Hello!

It's a big country.

Oh, my God. It's a small retailer. He could make or break us. Mr. Retailer! Over here! Your customers will love these mood lollipops. Every lick reveals your mood. It works. If blue is the color for unimpressed.

Why, you little-- I got you! Ho-- Homer, it's-- it's all just an act. Stop! Stop! He's already dead! Got him, sir! I got his leg. Uh, Krusty the Clown, everybody.

And a-one, and a-two... You're the birthday You're the birthday You're the birthday boy or girl...

He's hungry. Here you go, Stampy. Eat it slow. It has to last for-- You ate it too fast.

Why me, Lord? Where have I gone wrong? I've always been nice to people. I don't drink or dance or swear. I've even kept kosher just to be on the safe side. I've done everything the Bible says! Even the stuff that contradicts the other stuff! What more could I do?

Boy! A man on a Squishy bender can sure do some crazy things. Uh-oh. Not again?

It was on one of these bar napkins. Uh-- So, let's have a conversation. Uh, I think we'll find we have very little in common.

Aha! Aw. Twenty dollars. I wanted a peanut. Twenty dollars can buy many peanuts. Explain how. Money can be exchanged for goods and services. Whoo-hoo! Whoa!

All right, Mr. Burns, you win.

Homer, this has gone far enough.

Good night. Hey, give me some ofthose blankets. What’s this? ts enormous! Oh, my God. There's another one! - Homer, let me explain something. - Explain later. Homie! Oh! Ohh! Homie! - Hey, what happened? - I fell off.

Double stars! Everybody wins!

Good evening. I've been asked to tell you... that the following show is very scary, with stuff that might give your kids nightmares. You see, there are some crybabies out there--

There was trouble at the lab with the running and the exploding and the crying. One of the monkeys stole the glasses off my head.

Oh, man, that's good. Oh, pass the butter.

Yeah. We'd rather have a live sissy mincing around the house than some dead hero any day. Choke on your candor!

He left his briefcase. Hey! It's full of shredded newspapers. Well, I guess that's it. People like us can't afford justice. Come on, Homie. Let's go before he fires you too. No!

but seems less funny each time you hear it. How about the Be Sharps?

I'm Gina. You touch my fence again, and your puberty's gonna be very boring. (GRUNTS) (ALL LAUGHING) God, I hate this place. It's nothing like the brochure.

Hey, great. Listen. Write it down and mail it to last week, when I might have cared.

Corpse you up and mail you to mama! Well, where'd he go? Oh, got my knuckles all lined up for nothing. Sorry, ladies.

I can hit that one pin all right, but the rest of them don't even wobble. I can help you, Marge. Pick up the ball. Pick up Homer. Pick him up. Oh! Hmm.

If it's clear and yella, you've got juice there, fella. If it's tangy and brown, you're in cider town. Now, there's two exceptions and it gets kind of-- Oh! You can stay, but I'm leaving. And of course in Canada, the whole thing's flip-flopped.

We thespians believe it's bad luck to mention the name of this particular play out loud.

Of course! Nuclear power! It's the job of tomorrow... today! Really? Well, that settles it. For all those reasons and more, let us choose an electrifying career in-- Line? Nuclear power. Nuclear power.

Duh, stay out of Riverdale!

One chorus line of people Urge to kill rising.

I can't take this anymore! I want my soul, and I want it now! Bart! You didn't finish your spaghetti and Moe-balls! Silence, you fool. It can be ours. Run, boy! Run! Run for your life, boy!

Oh, fired. I can't believe it. NeXt, on Exploitation Theater-- Blacula, followed by Blackenstein, and the Blunchblack of Blotre Blame. Whoo! Funky. But first, this word.

Mmm- Hey. Huh? For three seconds there, you were legally the mayor. Yeah! And you was a girl, Joel

Although they seem strange to us, we must respect the ways of the Indian. Hi, how are ya? Hi, how are ya? Hi, how are ya? Hi, how are ya?

Bingo! Sanctuary! Sanctuary! Oh, why did I teach him that word? Quick. You gotta hide me from PBS.

Bringing in the sheaves Bringing in the Oh, my Lord. Something horrible has happened! Fooled ya, Flanders. Made you think your family was dead.

Dennis the Menace? Yes. I was America's bad boy. I once hid my dad's hat! Uh-huh. And another time, I accidentally stepped in Mr. Wilson's flower bed. That was a two-part episode. I have to go.

Smithers, are they booing me? Uh, no. They're saying, "Boo-urns! Boo-urns!" Are you saying "Boo" or "Boo-urns"? I was saying Boo-urns.

Uh-oh. (MUTTERING NERVOUSLY) (DONKEY BRAYING) What did you say about my mother! (YELLING)

Hmm, with little tiny baby-sized gifts.

And now, the Top Hat Channel... is honored to present Broadcast Nudes. Ooh ! Gross ! Yet strangely compelling. - Huh ? - It's a raid ! What the-- YOu-- Hey, you ! I know you ! Come back here !

Nah. It's Friday night, Moe. I wanna try something special. Uh, sure. Sure. Here you go. DÜff, from Sweden. Go! Wait a minute! This is Duff! Ya got me, didn't ya? All right. Here you go. Red Tick Beer.

Homer, no one blames you for the accident. We simply feel you might benefit with a little outside tutoring. I researched these names myself. Yeah, you won this round, Dean, but the war isn't over. Hello. Hello, Dean. You're a stupid-head! Homer, is that you?

My Bologna has A first name it's h-o-m-e-r my Bologna has A second name it's h-o-m-e-r

This isn't one of those phony baloney promises I don't expect you to keep. If you make this promise, you have to keep it. Why ? 'Cause if you don't, I'll never believe anything you say... ever again. Aw, come on.

It was an accident! Yeah, yeah. Save it for Dateline Tuesday. Uh, what's your address so I can come arrest you? Arrest me? Um, my address, it's, um, 123 Fake Street. 123 Fake Street. Got it. Come on! Come on, boy.

Say the line, Bart. I didn't do it. Yea!

I'm gonna take this all the way to the prime minister. Hey! Mr. Prime Minister! Andy! Aye, mates? What's the good word?

Yah! Keep the change. Come here, you slippery rascals.

Here's johnny! D'oh! David Letterman! - Hi, David. I'm Grampa. - D'oh! I'm Mike Wallace. I'm Morley Safer. And I'm Ed Bradley. All this and Andy Rooney tonight on 60 Minutes!

Oh, I see. Willie's not funny unless he's down on his knees... scooping up your little brats' puke! Thank you! You've been great!

Why, that's my husband ! His name isn't Bigfoot. His name is Homer.

Stop! Stop! He's already dead!

Ooh, boy, Flipsy! You and I are going on a road trip. Whoa!

How are we doing, boys? Well, we're up to 15.

So what are we doing, a lengthening or a widening? Yarr. Uh, let's make it both. Garr! Don't worry. It's inflammable. Let's keep this our little secret.

Yo, empty the register, dude. Okay, okay, you are the boss. Silent alarm activated! Oh, that's it!

Yeah, Shutton here. Now that's a story.

What a nerd. Lucite hardening. Must end life in classic Lorne Greene pose... from Battlestar Galactica. Best... death... ever!

Car gone! Car gone!

Aww! So that's what's been wrong with the little fella. He misses casual sex.

No, that's not good. Marge, honey, I love you. Oh. Um-- Marge, I love ya, baby. Marge, sweetie, "hooney," honey-- Ah, this'll never work.

"Embiggens"? Hmm. I never heard that word before I moved to Springfield. I don't know why. It's a perfectly "cromulent" word.

Two to two. Well, Homer, it all comes down to you. Football in the Groin! Football in the Groin! Well, we're not gonna resolve this deadlock anytime soon. Why don't we all take a five-minute break? It'll clear our heads. Good idea, Marge. My mind is going a mile a minute.

What is all this stuff? It's not anything. Huh? It has no purpose. What a crazy room. There's no Albuquerque Isotopes. It's the Springfield-- Oh. No, no. There's no "Oh." You're moving the team to Albuquerque, aren't you?

Thank you, my dear. Please take these free tickets to my play. What? What play? We thespians believe it's bad luck to mention the name of this particular play out loud. You mean Macbeth? Quiet, you blundering fool! You'll curse us all!

Good-bye, Simpsons. Thank you for your hospitality. I hope this experience will not sour you on the student exchange program. Good-bye, Adil. Have a nice trip. Good-bye, Adil. I'll send you those civil defense plans you wanted.

It's always a party with Funzo. I admit it's kind of cute. But it'll never take the place of Malibu Stacy. Did you see that? Yeah. Funzo makes playtime fun! Hey, kids. It's--

I'm Mr. Bergstrom. Feel free to make fun of my name if you want. Two suggestions are Mr. Nerdstrom and Mr. Boogerstrom.

You’re gonna be just fine. Oh! Hello, Scratchy. The Big Bopper? Ritchie Valens? Buddy Holly? No!

Apron Boobs-face?

One hand washes the other. Ooh, that reminds me. These gloves came free with my toilet brush. What the hell is that?

And, they will be holding auditions to find a local youngster... to play Fallout Boy. Oh, and the air conditioner will be fixed this afternoon.

Over, under, in and out. That's what shoe tying's all about.

Yeah, Moe, that team sure did suck last night. They just plain sucked. I've seen teams suck before, but they were the suckiest bunch of sucks that ever sucked. Homer, watch your mouth! I gotta go. My damn wiener kids are listening.

- I surrender. - Not so fast. That's what I call breakneck speed. Mom, a man just died.

Can't someone else do it? "Can't someone else do it?" That's perfect.

Twenty tons and four stories of car-crunching, fire-breathing... prehistoric insanity ! Whoa ! One night only. One night only. One night only at the Springfield Speedway this Saturday. If you miss this, you'd better be dead or in jail. And if you're in jail, break out ! Be there !

I have total faith in you. You don't get it, do you? I don't want to be your stupid quarterback! I quit! What? Well, I got news for you, mister! You can't quit! You're cut! You too, Milhouse. All right! Ahh!

Yeah, well, I won the belching contest at work. Very nice, Homer.

We've left it all behind. How can you make a clean break with your life? Relax, Marge. I tied up all the loose ends before we left.

coming out of my eight-track Michael JaCkson still was black those were the days

Hey, kids! I'M flame-retardant.

Help me, Radioactive Man. Watch out, Radioactive Man! Totally awesome. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. It's all in the delivery. "Now is the winter of our discontent"-- Oh, no! Run! Cool! Yeah.

Why would they call if they don't want to talk? ...The itchy and scratchy show!

Man, the air feels good on my neck.

our glorious society's 1,500th anniversary, and in honor of this momentous occasion, we're having ribs.

Answer the phone. I need a man!

Really ? Yes. Oh ! - Champagne ? - Please. There, my darling. Thank you. What cosmic force brought us together, Marge ?

It's from my pen pal, Anya. Dear Lisa-- As I write this, I am very sad. Our president has been overthrown and-- Replaced by the benevolent General Krull. All hail Krull and his glorious new regime! Sincerely, Little Girl.

It's the same table!

Sir, you haven't slept since the casino opened five days ago. I've discovered the perfect business. People swarm in, empty their pockets and scuttle off! Nothing can stop me now! Except microscopic germs.

Thirsting for a way to name the unnameable, to express the inexpressible. Tell me more.

Can I get a phone that plays the Mexican hat dance? I insist on it. I dance, I dance, I dance Around the Mexican hat I dance, I dance, I dance And that's the end of that Or is it I guess I'll keep singing My cell phone appears to be ringing Hey!

Bite, fight, fighT, fight bite, bite, bite the itchy and scratchy show. Guest director, Oliver Stone.

I'm pretty sure I can struggle my way out. First, I'll just reach in and pull my legs out. Now I'll pull my arms out with my face. Mm. - Dad! - Homie! Stampy, quick! Pull him out!

I know. T'oodley doodley. Kids can be a trial sometimes. All right, knock it off ! Knock what off, Simpson ? You've been rubbing my nose in it since I got here ! Your family is better than my family ! Your beer comes from farther away than my beer ! You and your son like each other ! Your wife's butt is higher than my wife's butt !

send in the clowns They're already here

Krustofski! Why, look, it's my celebrity neighbor Elliott Gould! Your monkey bit my kid again! Well, if he would stop wearing the banana suntan lcytion- Say hello to Bob- and Carol and Ted and Alice-

You maniacs! You blew it up! Damn you! Damn you all to hell!

If it's brown, drink it down. If it's black, send it back.

Keep cool, Simpson. Be in the game but not of the game. No es bueno.

Oh, was it something I said?

julius! Clancy! Skinner! Seymour! Mother. - Patty? - Cletus! Oh, uh, Barney. Clancy! Hey, come on! You did me twice!

Look at all this great stuff, Lise. Cool, personalized plates. "Barclay, Barry, Bert, Bort!" Aw, come on. Bort? Mommy, Mommy, buy me a license plate! No, come along, Bort. Are you talking to me? No, my son is also named Bort. Who are all these characters?

No, that's German for-- "The Bart, The."

Lisa, can I see you for a minute ? Yes ! Yes, Mr. Bergstrom ? Your homework is always so neat. How can I put this ? Does your father help you with it ? No. Homework's not my father's specialty. There's no shame in it. My dad-- Not mine. You didn't let me finish. Unless the next word was "burp," you didn't have to.

Hey, Santa, what's shakin', man ? What's your name, Bart... ner ? Uh, little partner ? I'm Bart Simpson. Who the hell are you ? I'm jolly Old St. Nick. Oh, yeah ? We'll just see about that. D'oh ! Homer ! I want A word with you in Santa's workshop.

With all due respect, Mr. Taylor, this isn't the best time for your unique brand of bittersweet folk rock. We have a potentially critical situation here. I'm sure you'll understand.

Well, sure, the Frinkiac 7 looks impressive-- don't touch it-- but I predict that within 100 years, computers will be twice as powerful, 10,000 times larger... and so expensive that only the five richest kings of Europe will own them.

At least you like the food. Oh, I like food, all right. I like pizza I like bagels I like hot dogs with mustard and beer I get the picture. I'll eat eggplant I could even eat a baby deer La-la-la-la-la-la La-la la-la Who's that baby deer on the lawn there Enough already! Sorry.

All right, who's Jimbo Jones? - I am. - You just made your second mistake, buddy boy! Please, dude, don't hurt me. Oh, man. That's your outlaw? I wasn't really gonna kill ya. I was just gonna cut ya.

Oh, Chief? I found some evidence that points to the real arsonist. Well, let's see it. Not yet. You have to guess what it is. We don't have time for guessing games! Nah, let's try it. It might be fun.

Come back here, you little Raven ! Doh ! Ow ! Nevermore, nevermore, nevermore, nevermore, nevermore--

(BOTH GRUNTING) CHLOE: Oh! My hair! Ladies, (CHUCKLE) there's no need to fight over me. No one's fighting over you! Oh. Well, then carry on. CHLOE: You don't know when to quit.

We've tried nothing, and we're all out of ideas. Hmm. There is an experimental therapy...

He left his briefcase. Hey! It's full of shredded newspapers. Well, I guess that's it. People like us can't afford justice. Come on, Homie. Let's go before he fires you too. No! Mr. Burns, I'm not leaving until you say you're sorry for what you did to my wife.

Homer, we're going to my sisters'. - Remember, pick up Bart. - I'm on my way. What'd you say, Marge?

Too many wee ones!

Ow! Dang it! Ow!

Your husband suffers from a persecution complex extreme paranoia and bladder hostility. If you talk to him without mentioning Bart you'd see how sane he is. You mean there really is a Bart? Good Lord!

Then, please, help me help myself. Oh, all right. But only because you haven't outed Rod and Todd.

Tonight: The Simpsons, as you've never seen them before, on Behind the Laughter.

Beware the wrath of Kwan.

Oh, now I really think the children's appearance-- Seymour, you are in very, very big trouble. Why, looking into this loveable mutt's eyes just melts my heart. Seymour, all is forgiven.

That oughta hold those S.O.B.s. What the--

But, Dad, by striking, they're trying to affect a change in management... so that they can be happier and more productive. Lisa, if you don't like your Job, you don't strike. You just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That's the American way.

Why, you little..! Krusty, please continue.

So? Did I mention she was dead? No. Well, she was. And she hit him in the head with a golf club. And? Don't you remember? He went golfing all the time, and it really bugged her. You said he went bowling. D'oh!

My name is "Ot-to!" I'm playing "pab-lo!" Lionel Hutz, attorney-at-law. I'm filing a class-action suit against the director... on behalf of everyone who was cut from the play. I also play Mitch. I'm Marge Simpson. I'll be playing Blanche. I made some peanut butter brownies for everyone.

And then they gave me back my $500 investment... and kicked me out of the club.

You know, I pride myself on being a good host, so I'm obliged to offer you a beer, but I'm so darn mad it's gonna be mostly head.

These aren't reptile eggs. You've been cheating! No matter where Mr. Burns hits the ball, you put a fresh one on the green! Cheating? For me?

Do these sound like the actions of a man... who had "all he could eat"? No! That could've been me! Homer, I've a proposition for ye, fair and true. Come on, Marge. Let the people see your pretty face.

Mmm ! Mr. Burns, I've had enough of your... posing. I can finish the portrait myself. Thank goodness. Another day in this suburban nightmare and I would've needed half a Valium. Thank you for your gracious hospitality. See you at the unveiling.

Way to guard the parking lot, Top Gun! I have three medals for this.

Ow ! My foot ! You lousy, stupid, clumsy--

Hey, wolfie, put down that hors d'oeuvre. It's time for the main course! Back to class, lad. Nothin' to see here.

but what we've seen speaks for itself. The Corvair spacecraft has apparently been taken over-- conquered, if you will-- by a master race of giant space ants. It's difficult to tell from this vantage point whether they will consume the captive Earthmen... or merely enslave them.

Oh, great. Now Hamlet's acting crazy. Well, nobody out-crazies Ophelia. Hey, nonny-nonny! With a hoo and a haw! And a nonny-nonny hey!

I feel like I'm gonna die, Bart. We're all gonna die, Lise. - I meant soon. - So did I.

They'd been given rifles, but no ammunition.

If elected mayor... my first act will be to kill the whole lot of ya and burn your town to cinders. Mike's on. I know it's on. Park anywhere. I'm not gonna lay any rule trip on you today.

No offense, Mom, but that was pretty cool.

- Bet you're gettin' tired of that soul, huh? - No!

So, another Friday is upon us. What will you be doing, Smithers? Something gay, no doubt? What? What? You know, lighthearted, fancy-free. Mothers, lock up your daughters. Smithers is on the town.

Why didn't you say so? Get him, boys. The hooligans! Bash his eyes out!

But look-- I got some cool pogs. Alf pogs! Remember Alf? He's back, in pog form! You traded my soul for pogs?

What are you doing inside? Work was hard, so we quit.

Hello, everybody. Hey, you're back. Did you "rock the casbah"? Bart! Yes.

Why, look! Here's something right here. It appears to be some sort of rock. Oh, no. It's just a clump of dirt. Even so, my heart is pounding like a kettle drum. I'd better sit down for a moment. "Prinskipper Skippal"-- "Prinnipple Skipper"-- I-i found something!

"Memorandum to Mrs. Bouvier. Re: Delineation of Romantic Intentions." Too sappy.

Because I'm jinxed, damn it!... Ow! What was that for?

at this time of day in this part of the country... localized entirely within your kitchen? Yes. May I see it? No. Seymour! The house is on fire! No, Mother. It's just the northern lights. Well, Seymour, you are an odd fellow,

Welcome to the games of the 34th Spellympiadl I'm George Plimpton, founder of The Paris Review. I also played the evil dean in BonerAcademy. You monster! Why did you expel Boogerman? He replaced my tennis racket with a rubber phallus. That was awesome.

We work hard. We play hard. Everybody dance nOw

Oh, let's try Matthew Perry. Yeah. Could I be any more of a house? Meh. Who else we got? Hey, Cha-Cha, I got more features... than a NASA relief map of Turkmenistan. Isn't that the voice that caused all those suicides? Murder-suicides. Hey, how about 007?

Oh, this coffee's too hot! Hey, kids, wanna drive through that cactus patch? Yeah! Yeah! No! Whoop, two against one.

Yes, but-but the poncho-- Please, Homer, just leave us alone. Hmm.

Ow! Oh. My cataracts are gone. I can see again. All the beauty of na-- Oh! I'm blind. Oh, well. Easy come, easy go.

Wow! Can I see your club? It's called a baton, son. What's it for? We club people with it.

The credits really have to go this long? Oh, shush yourself. English - US - Line 21

Sooner or later people like that are exposed as frauds. Thanks, Magic.

Well, why not? This party's just getting started! Stop the celebration! That small boy is drunk! Yea, Bart! Yea!

What's so special about this game anyway? It's just another chapter in the pointless rivalry between Springfield and Shelbyville. They built a mini-mall, so we built a bigger mini-mall. They made the world's largest pizza, so we burnt down their city hall. Yeah, they swore they'd get us back by spiking our water supply. But they didn't have the guts.

Hey! Pretty good, huh? Well, it's better than that last Barbra Streisand movie. I didn't quite get the point of it. Why would Lenny want someone to saw his legs off? Well, there were script problems from day one. Didn't seem like anyone even read the script. That was the problem.

We must relinquish the giddy glamour of show business... and return to the humble pleasures of the neighborhood shopkeeper. - Hmm. - Hmm. That's the way, uh-huh, uh-huh I like it, uh-huh, uh-huh Time traveler discount? Come on in! i like it, uh-huh, uh-huh

Cool! I broke his brain.

I can taste that get-together now. Hey! I was holding that. Next time I'll knock your hat off, scab.

Homer, do you want your son to become chief justice of the Supreme Court... or a sleazy male stripper? Can't he be both, like the late Earl Warren? Earl Warren wasn't a stripper.

So, you like doughnuts, eh? - Uh-huh. - Well, have all the doughnuts in the world!

(ALL SCREAMING)

Hey, Pharaoh, those half-pint slaves are "exodusing" as we speak. Well, I say good riddance to bad rubbish. Okay. But who's gonna build your pyramids? Well, we Cou-- After them!

It's probably my imagination, but something about them didn't seem quite right. Really? Excuse me for just a moment.

those mission bells told me

Then I got my big break. I was on Steve Allen's Tonight Show. Now, a brilliant jazz musician who's inspired me to do some improv poetry. Twinkle, twinkle, groovy cat. How I wonder where you at. I really love the way you cook. just like me when I wrote this book. How to Make Love to Steve Allen,

It's true. We are aliens, but what are you going to do about it? It's a two-party system. You have to vote for one of us. He's right. This is a two-party system. Well, I believe I'll vote for a third-party candidate. Go ahead. Throw your vote away.

Bart, when you get a little older, you're going to learn that sometimes romances don't turn out... exactly the way you'd like them to. Hmm. That's why I love elementary school, Edna.

At last, we've built the mission. Finally, the villagers have a place to pray. Bringing in the sheaves Bringing in the sheaves We shall come rejoicing Well, he's not getting it from his brother that's for darn sure.

Hark, the Herald Angels sing

Very nice, Homer. Wow! How many Pulitzer Prize winners can do that? just me and Eudora Welty.

ANNOUNCER: Next on ABC. Who's Dropping by to See George Lopez? We pray it's you! Open. Nelson, doesn't that hurt your teeth?

Oh, that's wonderful! And look-- new hair! I'm this close to having a comb-over. Oh!

"Live from New York, it's Saturday night!"

"Ah, so. Ah, so. Me like the fried rice. Me flap dickey long time."

Whoa! A sword cane! Everything here is sword. Sword baseball bat. Sword rifle. Sword pineapple. Sword sword-sharpener. Sword pie. ts- Hey. What happened to the sword pie? What do I do now?

"Maybe it's the beer talking "but you've got a butt that won't quit. They got these big, chewy here..." "...Five dollars?! Get outta here." Wow, a side of Dad I've never seen!

You buy it! You buy it!

You knocked his block off! Come with me. Check it out. I built myself a healthy apple. But you made it out of ham cubes. Yup. A shiny new apple.

In a sample taken in this very classroom, a state inspector found 1.74 parts per million of asbestos-- That's not enough ! We demand more asbestos ! More asbestos ! More asbestos ! More asbestos ! More asbestos ! More asbestos !

I saw you pouring your heart and soul into this business and getting nowhere. I saw you desperately trying to cram one more salty treat... into America's already-bloated snack hole. So I did what I could. I did what any loving husband would do-- I reached out to some violent mobsters. Oh, Homer. I know you were trying to shield me from failure.

And Mobilier-- the chandelier for your car. Whoa! All on I Can't Believe They Invented It! Hello, everybody. I'm Troy McClure, star of such films as "P" is For Psycho... and The President's Neck Is Missing.

What do babies know? Maggie, can you point to the credenza? D'oh! Homer, you didn't do... a very good job frosting Maggie's birthday cake. What? It's not "Magaggie's" birthday? Oh.

Why, you-- Master Burns! I mean, carry on. Me leg's gone gimpy! Who'll provide for me little ones?

there's only one word for that-- idiocy.

This is Brittany and today's her birthday ? Well, happy birthday, Brittany ! How do you want to celebrate ? Do you want me to sing you a birthday song ? Or do you want me to shoot Sideshow Bob out of a cannon ? The cannon. The cannon. The cannon. The cannon. The cannon.

Wow! Chocolate. Half price.

It was I, you fools! The man you trusted isn't Wavy Gravy at all. And all this time, I've been smoking harmless tobacco.

Priceless coins not used in vending machine. Yes, not bad! Uh! Mr. burns! Pirates got your yacht! What? Well, I suppose some mishaps are unavoidable. Furious George!

Folks, how often have you opened your morning paper, only to have the rubber band fly off and hit you right in the eye? Never. But it's my number-one concern.

His body grew big but his brain stayed small He was tree-choppin' friend-stompin' house-crushin' Paul Me hungee!

Mmm. Look. Plump succulent sausage, honey-smoked bacon and glistening, sizzling--

Hey, it's morning, and Mom and Dad aren't home yet. Don't worry. Mr. Hutz is still here to take care of us. Don't touch my stuff! Hey. This isn't the Y.M.C.A. Dispatch, this is Chief Wiggum back in pursuit of the rebelling women.

That board with the nail in it may have defeated us, but the humans won't stop there. They'll make bigger boards and bigger nails. Soon they will make a board with a nail so big, it will destroy them all!

Waldo, where are you?

Get your feet off the upholstery!

Gentlemen, there's only one solution. We place this last doughnut in the reactor core... exposing it to radiation, thereby making it big!

Here to perform the national anthem are today's honorary batboys, the Cavalry Kids, led by Milhouse Van Houten. After this prank, everyone's gonna hate those Cavalry clods as much as we do. Oh, say can you see

Oh, no! We're all doomed! I'm a complete fraud! Huh? Sorry? I didn't catch any of that. And now I gotta go.

Welcome. I am honored to accept your waste. They're years ahead of us.

Mmm. "Sacrilicious."

the limited edition double-edged lightsaber... from Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace. You removed it from its original packaging! No! It's no longer a collectible! Oh! Oh!

Enough of your borax, Poindexter! A man's life is at stake! We need action! Take that, you lousy dimension!

"This year, give her English muffins." Whatever you say, Mr. Billboard!

Become a limo driver at Classy joe's.

Oh, man, Homer wussed out. I'm so disillusioned.

English - US - Line 21

For some bizarre reason, the Aussies thought this would be a permanent thing. Of course, it wasn't. I know those words, but that sign makes no sense.

Bart, you've got to go on. Slag off. You've changed, man. It used to be about the music. I said slag off! Cool!

just my bones... and organs.

My friends call me Bleeding Gums. Ew! How'd you get a name like that? Well, let me put it this way. You ever been to the dentist? - Yeah. - Not me. I suppose I should go to one. But I got enough pain in my life as it is.

Princess Kashmir ? You must mean April Flower. She's working over at the Girlesque.

Whoop! I can see everything, and they're none the wiser.

Oh! Why did I have to stop at the railroad tracks? Better get Some change. It's okay. It's okay. I'm back. See? Daddy's here.

Well, he seemed like a sweet little shrimp. But then he turned into an octopus. Artie. Artie, no. Stop. Marge. Marge, you know you can't resist my busy hands. Artie, get off of me.

But it comes with a free frogurt. That's good. The frogurt is also cursed. That's bad. But you get your choice of topping. That's good! The toppings contain potassium benzoate. That's bad.

Mmm. Another broccoli-related death. But I thought broccoli was-- Oh, yes. One of the deadliest plants on earth. Why, it tries to warn you itself with its terrible taste.

I thought I recognized you. I gave you a plate of corn muffins back in 1947 to paint my chicken coop. And you never did it! Those corn muffins were lousy. Paint my chicken coop! Make me! That does it. One of them has to go. Okay. Grandpa.

And I've got to share that gift with the world. Ow! Get her out of here. Why you throwing tomatoes at yourself, huh? Why you throwing tomatoes at yourself? Your very question is faulty. You're faulty!

Oh, my. Where are we supposed to get a sitter on such short notice ? Oh, dear. If we can't find a baby-sitter, we can't go. What a kick in the teeth. What do you need a baby-sitter for ? I'm almost ten and a half. Mom, you wouldn't dare. Don't take that tone with me, young lady, or I'll give you a taste of the back of me hand. No, you don't. Grampa ? Hey ! Ah ! Who ? What ?

This is the most thoughtful thing anybody ever-- Sweet merciful crap! My car!

Oh, Rhett! Rhett! Oh, Rhett. Where will I go? What'll I do? Frankly, my dear-- I love you. Let's remarry.

Well, McGarnigal, Billy is dead! They slit his throat from ear to ear. Hey, I'm trying to eat lunch here. jump, Free Willy! jump. jump with all your might.

I now pronounce you Pac-Man and wife. Let's get physical, physical I wanna get physical Let's get into physical (TURNS OFF TV) Oh, every single Super Bowl Half-time Show has been great.

Hey, that meteor's headed straight for us... with the fire and the impact and the 100% chance of pain! Pain in the glayvin! God has sent this fiery kill rock to show us his love. No! We're gonna die! There's only one man who can save us.

What's it like, Bart? Bart? Bart? Give me that!

Yeah, she's the best. Ooh, can you imagine-- her face on her body?

I aint cried like this since I paid to see Godfather ///

Good, 'cause I got a hot date tonight. A date. Dinner with friends. Dinner alone. Watching TV alone. All right! I'm gonna sit at home and ogle the ladies... in the Victoria Secret Catalog. Sears Catalog. Now would you unhook this already, please? I don't deserve this kind of shabby treatment.

Now, Son. You don't wanna drink beer. That's for daddies and kids with fake I.D.'s. Besides, it's such a beautiful night. How about a ghost story? And that is how much college will cost for Maggie. No! No! No!

Sorry, Marge. I'm afraid this gets my lowest rating ever-- seven thumbs up. You always liked my pork chops. Marge, I'm sorry, but your cooking's only got two moves-- shake and bake.

Hi! Did you miss me? Never leave again! Never leave again! Never leave again. I missed you too. From now on, I hope you'll help me out.

Just when I was getting over my Chester A. Arthritis. Did-- You had arthritis? Um, no.

Some people might call that a pretty corny dream, uh, Sergeant. Well, there's nothing corny about fresh-faced youngsters skipping to school, scraping knees and spelling bees... and pies cooling softly on the windowsill. Well, sir, if that's corny, then corn me up.

Ew! You like The Monkees? You know they don't write their own songs. They do so! They don't even play their own instruments. No! No! That's not even Michael Nesmith's real hat.

Instead of time-tested jokes about women drivers and doctor bills, you got some big-chin schlub... reading typos from the Palookaville Post. Well, here's a headline for you: Nobody cares. Hey, I washed your hair.

Ow... oW. Good morning, Lisa. What are you so happy about? Why shouldn't I be happy? It's a beautiful day, my homework is done, I got my mojo working and we're going on a field trip this afternoon. And looks like I got me a genuine glow-in-the-dark police badge.

Ah, beer, my one weakness. My Achilles' heel, if you will. Beer. Beer is the cheese. But how to use it? Whoo! It's a good thing that beer wasn't shaken up any more... or I'd have looked quite the fool, an April fool, as it were.

It's hauntingly beautiful, isn't it?

and my butt smells and I like to kiss my own butt?

Shut up! I wasn't done yet. I'm just saying we could blow all our money... on a stupid little street, but-- Oh! I ain't fer it. I'm agin it!

Manic-depressive Mouse or the Bluebird of Unhappiness.

Lunch Lady Doris! Why are you here? Budget cuts. They've even got Groundskeeper Willie teaching French. Bonjour, you cheese-eatin' surrender monkeys.

Oh. Now, in case all that smiling didn't cheer you up, there's one thing that never fails: a nice glass of warm milk, a little nap and a total frontal lobotomy. It's not so bad, Homer. They go in through your nose, and they let you keep the piece of brain they cut out.

Simpsons Christmas boogie We're dancing to the beat We'll make you move your feet

Whoa! Hey, they done switched the groom with a pig! No wonder he was pooping so much. Ha-ha! Come on! Let's get those polecats!

Scientists say they're also less attractive physically, and while we speak in a well-educated manner, they tend to use lowbrow expressions like, "Oh, yeah?" and "C'mere a minute." Oh, yeah? They think they're better than us, huh? Bart, c'mere a minute! You c'mere a minute! Oh, yeah?

Krusty, what's wrong? I just found out I'm not Jewish. Oh, I was turned down by all those country clubs for nothing! Well, you're still my hero. So what? Everything's changed. I thought I was a self-hating Jew! But it turns out, I'm just a plain old anti-Semite!

A pretty girl can't look my way without-- Don't. Don't ! Don't. No. Get out. Get out of here. Get your hands off.

Yello. Hi, Homie. I feel much better. Listen, Marge... uh... how would you feel if I told you the dog ran away? Homer, that's awful. Oh. Well, I got good news. The dog didn't run away. Well, good. I'm coming home, honey.

Now, Homer, this is a new body fat analysis test. I start you jiggling and measure how long it takes to stop. Whoo-hoo! Look at that blubber fly! Yes. Nurse, cancel my 1:00.

"Hello, Mr.-- Kurns. I bad want... money now. Me sick." Ooh, he card reads good. "So pick, please, me, Mr. Burns."

You call hamburgers steamed hams? Yes. It's a regional dialect. Uh-huh. Uh, what region? Uh, upstate New York.

Maybe he can. Weird Al Yankovic? Homer, Marge wrote me about what happened. As soon as her check cleared, l was on the first reasonably priced flight here. Did you ever get the parody songs I sent you? Yes. Which one was better? Living La Pizza Loca or Another One Bites the Crust'? They were pretty much the same, Homer. Yeah, like you and Allan Sherman.

Why aren't you pressuring me for sex? Oh, I'm just happy to lie here appreciating and respecting you. Okay, buster, what is going on? Nothing! How can you even accuse me of repeated infidelity? Oh! I'm so angry, I could just-- I could fall asleep! I--

Simpson, Homer ? Here ya go. Come on, son. Let's go cash this baby and get presents for-- Thirteen bucks ? Hey, wait a minute. That's right. $120 gross. Less Social Security, less unemployment insurance, - less Santa training... - Santa training ? less costume purchase, less beard rental, less Christmas club. But-- But-- See ya next year.

Your son was trespassing on my property... and destroyed a very valuable stone gargoyle and-- Are you wearing a grocery bag? I have misplaced my pants.

And as for you, I don't know you, but I'm sure you're a jerk! Hey, I've only been here a few minutes. What's going on? You ugly, hate-filled man! Hey-- Hey, I may be ugly and hate-filled, but I've, um-- What was the third thing you said?

I can't let you down. I'll get some money somehow. Hello, Vegas. Give me a hundred bucks on red. D'oh! All right. I'll send you a check. If only I could think of an invention. Something that would really make money.

Why would anybody wanna touch a girl's butt? That's where cooties come from.

and I had to do it without tappa-tappa-tappa. I would have killed for tappa-tappa-tappa. Sorry. I'm just frustrated. Well, you'll never save Grandpa's farm with that attitude.

- Governors Island. - Look! It's ZZ Top! You guys rock! Eh, maybe a little.

Okay, the material was a little corny. But Homer and I had real chemistry on screen. Every day I thought about firing Marge. You know, just to shake things up. Homer didn't fire Marge, but he did shake things up-- show business things. D'oh!

Ned, did you clip Ann Landers today? - Ann Landers is a boring old biddy. - Ned! I was more animal than man! My name is Otto. I love to get blotto. My name is Hans. Drinking has ruined my life.

You are all very good players. We are all very good players. You will beat Shelbyville. We will beat Shelbyville. You will give 110%. That's impossible. No one can give more than 100%.

Did you know back in grade school, I had a bully problem myself? Everybody was kung fu fighting Those cats were fast as lightning Good times.

In a moment, we will show you a picture of the real Baby-sitter Bandit, Miss Lucille Botzcowski. Remember, she may be using a clever alias... Botz ! and should be considered armed and dangerous !

Scaredy-cat. You stay here till you're no longer insane. Hmm. Chili would be good tonight.

Boring! Come on, you schnorrers! Do something!

Where are you from? Earth. Anyway, have you ever wondered what it feels like to touch a star? Cool! Or which of the Three Stooges had the heaviest brain?

Stay away from me, Homer! Give me the bat, Marge. Give me the bat. Give me the bat. Come on. Give me the bat. Give me the bat, bat, ooh. Scaredy-cat.

Shut up! Shut up! We better check with a doctor.

Smokey's our cat. (MEOWS) Smokey, stay!

and some extra-strength opium. That will be two cents, boys. Two cents? Hey, if you think my prices are high, go across the street. Thank you. Come again. He put the lard pone on top of the egg pone. Dang!

like linseed oil or Dr. Shumway's-- Shh! I'm sorry.

You are watching Fox. We are watching Fox.

Um, there's a hair in my soup-- but I'll just eat around it. What kind of hair? Well, it's blue, six feet long-- Eww! It's my hair! Excuse me.

We're just going to have to cut down on luxuries. Well, we're always buying Maggie vaccinations for diseases she doesn't even have. We could cut down on beer. We're not going to do that. Then there's no choice but to give up the pony. First you didn't want the pony.

And say hello to the state's first aqua-car factory. Keep 'em coming, boys!

You guys rock! Eh, maybe a little.

And there's that awful script from The Cable Guy. Lemme see. Stupid script! Nearly wrecked jim Carrey's career! YOu-- I'm gonna-- What?

Look, you can either accept science and face reality, or you can believe in angels and live in a childish dreamworld. Science-- What's science ever done for us? TV off. Science is like a blabbermouth...

Homer, you're a bad man. And your seed should be wiped from the earth. No offense, children.

Only management-type guys with big salaries like me can afford things like that. Guys like me! I'm a guy like me! All right, team, it's the fourth quarter. The Lord gave us the atoms, and it's up to us to make 'em dance. Hey, if Tom Landry's hat doesn't motivate you, then I should just quit right now.

Ow! He bit me with my own teeth!

But now I see it is more of a Fruitopia.

That a wad of Laffy Taffy. Oh! Now when Bart goes home, he gonna have to follow a program of strict diet and exercise. Damn it, I will not bury another patient! Doctor, you're a pediatrician!

Me too. Now, let's get going. I got a date with Eudora Welty. Coming, Eudora!

Mmm, mmm. So, to summarize: Say what you want about me. I can take the slings and arrows.

Marge! Hey, go on, boy. Go get it. Answer the phone. D'oh! There's gotta be something on this thing for that thing. Ahh. Ohh. Simpson. Hot diggity!

Yes, uh, wrote it, uh-- Well, uh, good luck, "Liser." Thanks! I'll see you in heaven! Uh, yes, er, heaven. Oh.

Hammocks? My goodness, what an idea. Why didn't I think of that? Hammocks! Homer, there's four places. There's the Hammock Hut. That's on Third. Uh-huh. There's Hammocks-R-Us. That's on Third too. - You got Put-Your-Butt-There. - Mm-hmm. - That's on Third. Swing Low, Sweet Chariot. - Right. Matter of fact, they're all in the same complex. It's the hammock complex on Third.

At least this time I'm awake for your good-bye.

All right. That's the last straw! Time to take out the trash!

This is all because of Homer Simpson.

I can feel an evil presence in this house. Evil ? Quiet, Lisa. You're scaring your mother. Children, get your coats. We're leaving this house right now. Now, wait a minute, Marge. It's only natural... there'd be some things wrong with an old house like this.

Now, here's what we do. Tomorrow morning, when Alison comes out of her house, we spray her with the hose, soaking her from head to toe, leaving us relatively dry. Relatively? There's bound to be some splash-back.

Freeze! F.B.I. The jig is up. All right, I admit it. I am the Lindbergh baby. Waah! Waah! Goo, goo. I miss my fly-fly dada. Are you trying to stall us, or are you just senile? A little from column "A," a little from column "B."

Exam? Oh! This is just like one of those bad dreams! What are you gonna do, Mr. Simpson?

Man, this place looks expensive! I feel like I'm wasting a fortune just standing here. Better make the most of it. Ow! Watch it, coney!

Forget it! Sacrificing animals is barbaric. Now have the slaves kill the wounded.

Rock and roll fantasy camp!

Did anyone see that new Woodsy Allen movie? You know, I like his films, except for that nervous fella's always in 'em. If you want to talk nervous, you should have seen Kirk deal with the high school boys... who egged our Bonneville. Ha! Should have asked them to hurl some bacon. Then maybe I could have had a decent breakfast for once.

I see. What do you say to the accusation... that your group has been causing more crimes than it's been preventing? Oh, Kent, I'd be lying if I said my men weren't committing crimes. Hmm, touchÉ.

There we go. That's the last I'll see of Mr. Trampoline. Yep, it's finally gone.

Homer, Mr. Burns can't see you winking. So--

Ah, music and art. What in blazes? Good Lord! That's a 900 number. Let's see what's in the newspaper today. Hmm. Canada stalls on trade pact.

Look! They're making a movie! Robert Downey jr. is shooting it out with the police. I don't see any cameras. Okay. While Mel and I are working,

Surprise! Surprise. Marge, will you marry me? Why? Am I pregnant?

There are many people I'd like to thank for this award. My wife Anjelica Houston. This is for you, Angie. We did it! ROBOT: Speeches cannot be longer than 30 seconds. (SCREAMS) Now, a tribute to those who have left us this past year. (WHIMPERS)

Oh! That was close. Bart, look at the watch! Milhouse, we broke the watch! Do you realize what this means? Yeah, but you say it first. (CLICKING REPEATEDLY) Oh, man. Things are stuck like this forever.

That plane crashed on my property! Look, Mr. Burns, we want to see some changes. For starters, you can reverse your sexist employment policies and hire at least one woman. All right. I'll bring in a woman. But I still stand by my hiring policies. Get back to work, Stewart!

He left his briefcase. Hey! It's full of shredded newspapers. Well, I guess that's it. People like us can't afford justice. Come on, Homie. Let's go before he fires you too. No!

Ooh, a bobby pin! Maude? Oh, my Lord, she's dead!

I don't know how to say this, but I don't wanna drive your car. It's slow, it's ugly, it handles like a shopping cart. The car has a few bugs, but we're Team Simpson. Dad, I love you, but you taught me to win. When did I teach you that? I picked it up somewhere. If I drive Martin's car, I can win.

You know what? I have a ball. Perhaps you'd like to bounce it.

He took Bart too? That wasn't part of our deal, Blackheart! That wasn't part!

J She likes to party She likes to rockJ - JJ - Yeah! But there's lots of other fun instruments, like bass. I hope you wont judge the entire Brian Setzer Orchestra by my actions. Rock and roll is supposed to be about peace and love. - Who said that? - Will you stop saying that?

(GRUNTS) Kids! Why's the cat so fat? Dad, Snowball's not fat. She's just got winter fur. (GRUNTS) Okay, she's fat. (CHOKES) Can't breathe... Someone dangle some string.

Help! Help! Somebody, help! Current... too strong. I know. If I sink to the bottom, I can run to the shore.

- You know what you could do, Apu? - Shut up.

Now, I'd like to try something. Is there any person who makes you particularly angry? Y'ello. Yes! Mental hospital? I don't know any Ned Flanders. The man who lived next door until his house blew down?

What were you thinking, sending Bart to such an awful place? I was trying to punish him exactly like you would. So, in a way, you really dropped the ball on this one. This is your mess, and I'll be damned if I'm gonna clean it up.

Oh, say can you rock There's trouble in a far-off nation Time to get in love formation

Don't you see what you've done? Sideshow Bob hasn't reformed. He's pure evil! Oh, if only you knew what he was thinking! I hope they still make that shampoo I like.

Keep away! Hey, come on! Those are prescription shoes! I need them! You have cooties! You have cooties! No, I don't! Lisa Simpson, report to the principal's office...

We'll go to the cemetery and summon the dark lord by kissing and junk. (LAUGHS) Okay. But first, you must apprentice by kissing the goddess Ironica, uh, who lives in this rock. Do it for an hour, hour and a half. Yes, my mistress.

And shame on your whole ill-mannered town! Hey, that guy's shaming us. My self-esteem sure didn't need that! (ALL GRUNTING) Ow! JIMBO: Loser! (BOYS GRUNTING) DOLPH: Yeah, get out, shamey. (CHUCKLES) I don't think we'll be hearing from him again.

Emergency whistle, pepper spray... and this map ofthe most vulnerable parts of a man's body. Why is it Ned Flanders? Oh, like I'm gonna kick Chief Wiggum in the groin. Okay, Marge. You can do this. You’ve done it a thousand times before. Hi, Mrs. Simpson!

You're Snowball V. But to save money on a new dish, we'll just call you Snowball II and pretend this whole thing never happened. That's really a cheat, isn't it? I guess you're right, Principal Tamzarian. I'll just be moving along, Lisa,

She was carried off to Hades by the king of the underworld. While there, she ate six pomegranates-- People don't want cars named after hungry old Greek broads ! The want names like "Mustang" and "Cheetah."

Hey, Chief, can I hold my gun sideways? It looks so cool. Ah, sure. Whatever you want, birthday boy.

- Hey, you know, I once knew a man from Nantucket. - And? Let's just say the stories about him are greatly exaggerated.

Doo doo doo Da doo doo doo doo doo Doo doodle doodle Doo doo doo doo Doo doo doo ba ba dee-- Dad! The plan!

It can be two things.

But it's got my name on it. just stand over there. Over there! Behold the flying machine that will carry me, Phileas Fogg, around the world in 80 days. Dang! I was aimin' for his head.

Now we just sit by the mailbox...

junk. junk. The airplane's upside-down. Stradi-"who"-vius?

Four, ha-ya-yah. Three, ha-ya-yah. Two, ha-ya-yah.

We can't do it, man! That's discipline. That's like telling Gene Krupa not to go--

I take a whiskey drink I take a chocolate drink And when I have to pee I use the kitchen sink I sing the song that reminds me I'm a urinating guy - I'll see you tomorrow! See ya!

I used to be "with it." But then they changed what "it" was. Now what I'm with isn't "it," and what's "it" seems weird and scary to me.

You broke a promise to your child. What? You promised Lisa to help her with her costume. You made her cry. Then I cried. Then Maggie laughed. She's such a little trouper.

D-oh ! D-oh ! D-oh !

Oh, my God. It's my hero, Michelle Kwan. You remind me of a young Dorothy Hamill. (GASPS) I didn't know you could talk.

Aaah ! Oh, man. Let the record show that the witness... eventually... pointed to... Krusty the Clown.

Oh, just experience, I suppose. I started out as Roadrunner. "Meep." You mean "meep-meep"? No. They only paid me to say it once. Then they doubled it up on the soundtrack. Cheap bastards. You folks ready to begin? Uh, I guess. Is this episode going on the air live?

Uh, let's see. I'll have one, uh-- Hey, hurry up. I wanna get my pretzel. - One pretzel. - Thank you. Let's see, uh, I will have one of your, uh-- Come on, come on. While we're young.

Well, that was a waste of time. Janie, school is never a waste of time. Since we have 15 minutes until recess please put down your pencils and stare at the front of the room.

Mr. Simpson, this government computer can process over nine tax returns per day. Did you really think you could fool it? No, sir. I'm really sorry, sir. An older boy told me to do it. You're looking at five years, minimum. No, sir. Please, I can't go to prison.

See you in hell, candy boys!

Mmm! Homer, I have to go out to pick up something for dinner. Steak? Money's too tight for steak. Steak? Mm, sure. Steak.

Whoa ! You certainly have a lot of bowling trophies. I like you so much.

- Ooh-ooh! - There she is. There she is, the world's first convenience store.

Celebrate the independence of your nation by blowing up a small part of it. All right.

Sixty watts? What do you think this is, a tanning salon? I asked for light starch on my nightcap! You call this Postum? You call this a tax return? You call this a supercomputer?

You're right. I gotta get where the action is. Comin' through !

Yeah, baby! You gol ldidn1 think it was possible... but watching him makes me more lesbian. Lesbian? This isnt my army reunion. - You’re coming home with me. - Yes, Colonel.

grizzly bear underwear turtles' necks I've got my share

Absolutely. Who could forget such a monstrous visage? She has the sloping brow and cranial bumpage of the career criminal. Uh, sir, phrenology was dismissed as quackery 160 years ago. Of course you'd say that. You have the brainpan of a stagecoach tilter.

Milhouse, how could you let this happen? You were supposed to be the night watchman. I was watching. I saw the whole thing. First it started falling over, and then it fell over.

Do they really think he'll do better with fruit?

Get off the road, you freakin' maniac! Yeah, you jackass! Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Everything is beautiful in its own way

Ohh! Stop! Wait! Wait! Attendez! I cannot get the lid off my jar of rainbows! Who will help me? You, sir?

They are our mothers. And you know something, folks ? As ridiculous as this sounds, I would rather feel the sweet breath of my beautiful wife... on the back of my neck as I sleep... than to stuff dollar bills into some stranger's G-string.

I'm Larry H. Lawyer, Jr., and I will fight for you. I also habia espanoi So that's your answer. I'll sue the church. Homer, we cant sue the church. They'll poke fun at us in the church bulletin. It wouldnt be the first time. I couldnt help it. Those pews are so comfortable.

What the heck? Where do you pour the syrup?

Who is your favorite Indian pop singer? Oh, don't make me choose. Shankar, Shankar-- Oh, here we go. Oh! Sorry. You Make me feel so young you make me feel so Spring has sprung

What's the sound of one hand clapping ?

Well, sir, I'll be honest with ya. I need a large African elephant, and I need it today. But I'm afraid this just isn't what I'm looking for. What do you mean? It's an elephant, isn't it?

Dear Mr. President, there are too many states nowadays. Please eliminate three. I am not a crackpot. - Good news, Abe. - Who are you? No, no. You've been nominated for an award. You're so good, I fired the other writers.

Judge Snyder, motion to declare a writ of boys will be boys.

of the-e-e-e-e-e-e

Hmm. We didn't have a message when we left. How very odd.

Manjula, come quick! The octuplets said their first words. Mommy-- Will-- - You-- - Let-- - Daddy-- - Come-- - Back? - Cookie!

Hey, Boat 28, stop splashing. What are you gonna do about it? Uh-oh. Aah! Leeches!

Neddy! Neddy! He's gaining on us! I'm scared! Come on, Ned! Move this thing! I can't! It's a Geo!

You're going to be my murder victim, Bart, in our school production of Lizzie Borden. Starring Martin Prince as Lizzie. Forty whacks with a wet noodle, Bart.

Har-dee-har-har. Get it ?

Maybe I should have taken a nice calligraphy class. Oh, forget about it. That Mr. Takahashi's a lunatic.

They're not for bowling, Marge. You're so naive. They are for lovemaking. Really ? Yes. Oh ! - Champagne ? - Please.

Then that glory hog took all the supplies and headed for the top alone. I fell 8,000 feet onto a pile of jagged rocks.

Family, religion, friendship. These are the three demons you must slay if you wish to succeed in business. When opportunity knocks, you don't want to be driving to the maternity hospital... or sitting in some phony-baloney church. Or synagogue. Questions?

Thanks for the lift, Tony Hawk. I gotta go now, Tony Hawk.

- Hi. - I have soy milk. The doctor says the real kind could kill me. I wish I was interesting like you.

Magic powers! Wedding after wedding after wedding. And did someone say long-lost triplets? So join America's favorite TV family... and a tiny green space alien named osmodiar that only Homer can see... on Fox this fall.

God does so much for me, and he doesn't ask anything in return. Well, I know he's wishin' you'd sign his petition... to re-criminalize medicinal marijuana. Done and done. Now, do Wiggum. Well, okay. I guess it would go something like this. All right, Simpson, you're under arrest, see? I said Wiggum!

Foolish dingo. You must find and devour the seven crystal babies... or spend eternity trapped in deep didgeridoo! I am so scared.

While we scramble to find new programming, please enjoy this encore presentation of Princess Di's funeral. I was really starting to enjoy... Ethnic Mismatch Comedy #644! I've never heard so many Viagra jokes in 30 seconds. Shut up-a your mouth!

Grampa, I know in your day spanking was common, but Homer and I just don't believe in that kind of punishment. And that's why your no-good kids are running wild!

Three minutes to meltdown. Whew! Saved by the bell. 15 seconds to core meltdown. just do what you did before. All right.

Nothing could spoil it. Absolutely nothing. Dum-de-dum-dum-dum Okay. Gun-- check.

Elmo go to wrong fundraiser. Bill Clinton? What are you doing here?

You're here, aren't you?

Yeah! Kill him! Make him pay! - Get in. Hurry! - Mob, stranger. Mob, stranger. Stranger!

Are you sick of ordinary-shaped amusement parks? Am I ever! Then be the first family on your block...

Katie Couric and-- Bingo.

Hens love roosters geese love ganders everyone else loves Ned Flanders Not me! Everyone who counts loves Ned Flanders

Hey, whatsa matter, you? You crazy kid, you chasing away my business. Buzz off, Guiseppe. Pepe, go for the face!

Boring! Come on, you schnorrers! Do something! Halfback passes to the center. Back to the wing. Back to the center. Center holds it. Holds it. Holds it.

Don't worry, Mr. Burns. We'll track down Simpson with your vehicle's antitheft system. Car gone! Car gone! Yeah. We know that. Wh-Where has it gone to? Car gone! Car gone! Car gone!

Hello, steady customer. How are you this evening, sir ? How ya doin', Apu ?

I bought these shoes from a hobo.

Activate cloaking device!

I have a bomb! Hey, wait a minute! Those are hot dogs! Armour Hot Dogs! What kind of man wears Armour Hot Dogs?

Who will help me? You, sir?

Hello, everyone. What a happy, happy day. Wow. I wish I had an elephant. You did. His name was Stampy. You loved him. Oh, yeah.

What a magical city. Can we come back next year, Dad? We'll see, honey. We'll see.

Memo to Goldie Hawn: cheerleading tryouts were 30 years ago. Let's grow up, shall we? He's such a bitch.

What, never Hardly ever He's hardly ever sick at sea For he himself has said it And it's clearly to his credit

And there's that awful script from The Cable Guy. Lemme see. Stupid script! Nearly wrecked jim Carrey's career! YOu-- I'm gonna-- What?

I do not deserve this! I've come here legally as an exchange student. Young man, the only thing we exchange for you is our national dignity. You want to pick on immigrants, then pick on Willie! Willie, please! The children want to pick on someone their own size.

Furthermore, to this beer, I would also like three of your finest, cheapest cigars. Here's my I.D. which confirms my "adultivity." Hmm.

Would you please leave without a fuss right now?

but instead, I'm leaving town forever. No, please. I don't care what you've done. You're still a decent, honorable man. Mmm.

Shut up, judge! Peek-a-boo! I see you! Peek-a-boo! I see you!

The Baby-sitter Bandit has left a trail of her daring nighttime robberies... across the continental United States. She could be lurking anywhere, about to descend upon another house full of unsuspecting dupes. Eee ! Wow ! In a moment, we will show you a picture of the real Baby-sitter Bandit, Miss Lucille Botzcowski.

Yo, I'll tell you what I want what I really, really want What I want, what I want I'll tell you what I want

Yeah. What the hell are you doing, you little freak? Ooh, sorry, kid. Sorry. I'm not used to the laughter of children. It cuts through me like a dentist's drill. But, no, that was funny, you taking away my dignity like that. Ha-ha.

I'll mace you good! That is completely taken out of context!

Come on, Bart. If I can teach Maggie to waltz, I can teach you.

Okay, the colors of the Italian flag are red, white and what ? Blue ! Yellow ! Green. Black. Green. Green. I was right ! We'll be right back with more Grade School Challenge...

All the kids in Springfield are S.O.B.s. Gabbo's kind of language has no place on or off TV. And that's my two cents. That oughta hold those S.O.B.s. What the--

Okay, what can I get for 12-- count 'em-- 12 prize tickets? Two thumbtacks and a mustache comb. Or five rubber bands and an ice cube.

I kicked one of those stupid Itchy characters in the butt.

Say, is that a gang tattoo?

Trust in yourself and you can achieve anything. All right! Now all we need is a name. How 'bout "Blabbermouth, the jerky Doll for jerks"?

Sweetie, if we didn't turn it down for the cops, what chance do you have? He hit her again!

All right. Stay calm. Remember your training. "Dear Homer, I.O.U. one emergency doughnut. Signed, Homer." Bastard! He's always one step ahead.

Don't worry, Marge. America's health care system is second only to japan, Canada, Sweden, Great Britain-- well, all of Europe. But you can thank your lucky stars we don't live in Paraguay.

Hello, Homer. I'm George Harrison. Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Where did you get that brownie? There's a big pile of 'em. Oh, man. What a nice fellow.

the second they discover the cure for... 17 stab wounds in the back. How are we doing, boys? Well, we're up to 15.

Sure. Sure we had. Of course we was caves. But every cave had a national anthem. I'll never forget my cave's national anthem. What was that national anthem? Let 'em all go to hell except Cave 76

Then why no pictures? Oh, there are pictures. I keep them where I need the most cheering up.

Hi, this is Corey. I hope you and I can get married someday. Hey, boy, where're you going?

Once I built a railroad Made it run

Kids, say no to drugs! Ehh, I could pull a better cartoon out of my a-- Hey! Whoa! Wasn't that great, kids? That's as bad as the tasteless "Itchy and Sambo" cartoons of the late '30s.

She's right ! Humans, you have stopped eating. Listen, you big, stupid space creature, nobody, but nobody, eats the Simpsons ! I beg your pardon ? Don't play dumb with me. We found your book.

Magic powers! Wedding after wedding after wedding. And did someone say long-lost triplets? So join America's favorite TV family... and a tiny green space alien named osmodiar that only Homer can see... on Fox this fall.

Okay, everybody. Let's see some big smiles. just relax and let the hooks do their work. What the hell are you smiling at?

I knew there was only one person who could reunite this troubled clan-- my old fraternity brother Willie Nelson. I'd do anything for keg-meister julius. So I cooked up a phony awards show.

Aw, come on, kid. Quit cryin'.

Hey, hey! The Ribwich is back! The Ribwich! The commercials have come to pass. Try the new Ribwich. ts so good youll croak.

Don't you people see anything wrong with what Malibu Stacy says? Oh, there's something wrong with what my Stacy says. My Spidey sense is tingling. Anybody call for a web-slinger?

Hmm. How could anyone make a word out of these lousy letters ? Oh, wait. Here's a good one. "Do." "Id." Triple word score. Hey, no abbreviations. Not I.D., Dad. "Id." It's a word. - As in, "This game is stup-id." - Hey, shut up, boy.

Good-bye, dolly. Arrivederci, Vito. I was a fool to think anyone would want nude photos of Whoopi Goldberg. What the--

You know, Marge, in some ways... you and I are very different people.

Fine. Darling one: Read my words and hear my heart... speak of a love, soft and undying. A love that will be with you always. Sincerely, Yada-yada-yada. That's marvelous. How did you think of that so fast? I... sent it to you on your birthday.

My spidey sense is tingling. It's that good? Whoa. Did I say "spidey"? I meant "stinky." Enough said. What did I do wrong? Oh, I don't know. Try everything. Now hold on, Comic Book Guy. This boy's still finding his voice. So you're saying I should keep trying?

Dancin' away my hunger pangs Movin' my feet so my stomach won't hurt I'm kinda like Jesus But not in a sacrilegious way And now our next speaker is Mr. Warmth himself,

Marge, since I'm not talking to Lisa, would you please ask her to pass me the syrup? Please pass your father the syrup, Lisa. Bart, tell Dad I'll only pass the syrup if it won't be used on any meat product. You dunking your sausages in that syrup, homeboy?

If there's one thing America needs, it's more lawyers. Can you imagine a world without lawyers?

"Itchy runs afoul of an Irishman." Look out, Itchy! He's Irish!

It's just a little slimy. It's still good. It's still good. It's just a little airborne. It's still good. It's still good.

Ow! Excellent. The boot kicked Bart! It kicked him right in the butt!

Krusty clowned his way to the top of a personal mini-empire... with dozens of endorsements, including his own line of pork products.

Uh, better start with Greek town.

Hmm. This is all because of Homer Simpson.

Is he the same as "jack be nimble"... and jack Frost and Little jack Horner? Say, how about a little NyQuil? All gone.

Meet me at the tree house, Bart. And come alone.

Shut up, or I'll pound all of ya!

- Miss Delaware. - She, uh-- Good for her. La, la, la, la, la, la, la Marge, keep it down in there! Homer, my audition is in half--

Hey. What's Lucky hooked up to? A respirator. It breathes for him. And here I am using my own lungs like a sucker. And how come everyone gets a bedpan, and I have to walk all the way over there? You mean there? Yeah.

Oh, you stupid dryer!

We were learning to use all 33 forks. Young lady, that is not an olive fork! Here's a simple trick to help you remember. Ow! Hmm. Mmm-hmm.

(WOMAN SCREAMS) (THEME PLAYED IN SINISTER TUNE)

Occasionally, I'll be quirky. "I'll be quirky"? Albuquerque!

Homer, didn't john seem a little... festive to you? Couldn't agree more. Happy as a clam. He prefers the company of men. Who doesn't? Homer, listen carefully. john is a homo-- - Right. - sexual.

Homer, I got a really wicked idea that could get us into a lot of trouble. Oh! Mindy, we have to fight our temptation. No, Homer. Let's do it. Let's call room service! Oh. Someone is charging room service to the company, sir.

Daddily-doodily.

The next morning we went out to the old quarry to have a swim. You guys really gonna dive off of here? Not me. I'm shaking like a French soldier. Yeah. I think I just logged onto my Internet. Only a moron would jump into that-- Geronimo!

Extra, extra! Ripper strikes in Whitechapel. Boy for sale. Boy for sale. Is this legal, man? Only here and in Mississippi. Oh, Shary Bobbins, this is ever so much fun.

Say, let's take a relaxed attitude toward work and watch the baseball match. The "Ny" Mets are my favorite squadron.

If I went to a barbecue and there was no meat, I would say, "Yo, goober! Where's the meat?"

Arr! Not a looker among 'em. Full speed ahead! Damn the torpedoes! What'd he say? Put on our tuxedos? I want some taquitos. Welcome to the kitchen of tomorrow-- today! How much would you pay for a self-flipping hamburger pan? Nothing.

The problem I have is people love me so much they never criticize me. I speed all the time, but cops never give me a ticket. If I don't pay my taxes, the I.R.S. pays them for me. Oh, you poor thing. It's hell being Mel.

Well, I did. No, I'm not Superman. I just own an R.V. Me and the new wife travel the country searching for adventure. - Last fall, we won a chili cook-off in Beaumont, Texas. - Wow! You're livin' in a fool's paradise, Van Houten.

Hello, I was wondering if you'd like to babysit my little angels. Sorry, this isn't Abbie. This is her sister. I look after her now. No, Bart, put it down. Put it down, Bart. Bart, put it down.

It's "chowdah." Say it right!

They didn't have any aspirin, so I got you some cigarettes. Maybe my headache will go away once the show starts.

Really. Well, I'm from Utica, and I've never heard anyone use the phrase "steamed hams." Oh, not in Utica. No. It's an Albany expression. I see. You know, these hamburgers are quite similar to the ones they have at Krusty Burger. Oh, no. Patented Skinner burgers. Old family recipe. For steamed hams.

Remember: Lie, cheat, steal and listen to heavy metal music !

See, Marge? Who needs a car wash when you can just drive around in the rain?

My name is Ned. Hello, Ned! It's been 4,000 days since my last drink. It was my first-- and last-- blackberry schnapps. Ned, did you clip Ann Landers today?

- I can't imagine what you mean. - Oh, come now! You wanted to be Krusty's sidekick since you were five! What about the buffoon lessons? The four years at clown college? I'll thank you not to refer to Princeton that way. The point is you obviously still blame me for what happened at your audition.

He didnt say anything about SkinnerlnAShreddercom. Let's make this the best year ever. - [Shredder Whirring f - f Gurgling f Today, we have a special guest- a documentary filmmaker... whose works include Lost Luggage, Shattered