comb.io - Clips

Hymns here! I got hymns here! Get 'em while they're holy! Fresh from God's brain to your mouth! And now please rise for our opening hymn, uh, "In the Garden of Eden"... by I. Ron Butterfly.

The mother's the voice of reason. Here come the cricket bats. You don't have the cobbles. Classic. Not hard to see why it's England's longest-running series. And today we're showing all seven episodes.

Whazzup? English - US - Line 21

We are gathered here this Memorial Day... to once again honor you World War II veterans. Truly, you are the greatest generation. Keep it comin', Brokaw! Lauding your legacy is a labor of love. You're damn right it is. You can't thank us enough.

I'll give you four bucks for it. Very well. I must hurry back to my comic book store, where I dispense the insults rather than absorb them.

and you havent slept in a fortnight. What’s a fortnight? You should know. ts on the test.

Dad, you and your stories. "Bart broke my teeth." "The nurses are stealing my money." "This thing on my neck is getting bigger."

Yeah, whatever. You better pretend you want your uniform back, twerp. Keep away! Keep away! Oh, no. Woe is me. My precious uniform. Oh.

This is what a cornfield looks like, honey.

Ah. Finally, a little quiet time... to read some of my old favorites. "Honey Roasted Peanuts. "Ingredients: Salt, "artificial honey-roasting agents, pressed peanut sweepings." Mmm! Homer, I have to go out to pick up something for dinner. Steak?

Hey, look. The new Ovenfresh Flour bag. Ah, that could've been me. CLETUS: Aw, I wish it had've been. (SOBS) Now that Brandine's famous, she done run off with James Caan.

- Good news, Abe. - Who are you? No, no. You've been nominated for an award. You're so good, I fired the other writers. From now on, the fate of the entire company rests on that delightful coconut of yours. Oh, no! We're all doomed! I'm a complete fraud! Huh? Sorry? I didn't catch any of that. And now I gotta go.

I didn't know they still made TV dinners this bad. After dinner, can I watch cartoons ?

- They fight and bite - and bark - they fight and fight and bite - and bark fight, fight, fight woof, woof, woof the itchy and scratchy and poochie show

- Yeah, great. - What's the matter? Don't you see, Milhouse? We've gone too far. We need Skinner back.

And this is the snack holder where I can put my beverage or, if you will, cupcake. Wow, Dad. You really know your monorails. Homer, there's a family of possums in here. I call the big one Bitey.

Oh, your mother's not pregnant, is she? No. I got hit by a couple of cars. I won't be able to play today. Yes!

Marge Simpson. Hello, class! Hi, Bart. Over here, sweetie. It's me, Mom. Hi. Hey! Hello!

Uh-huh. Uh, no, I don't like that. Or that. No. It's not that I'm afraid. I'm gonna hang up now. Bye-bye. Oh, I give up.

Speaking of charming, watching Fox last night I heard a rather amusing story. This character named Martin was feeling rather randy, and he was heard to remark-- Don't you ever come near my daughter again! Never have I heard such gratuitous use of the word "butt"! But-- But-- But-- But-- But-- But--

Oh, Mr. Simpson, did you bring an umbrella today ? - Doh ! No. - Here.

- Homer, stop picking at it. - Oh! But I'm so sweet and tasty. Well, time to go to work. Dad, I wouldn't go outside if I were you.

Weird scenes inside the gold mine Well, world, this is it.

Oh, they miss their father. Are you sure you don't want to take him back? Well, I do. But I don't want him to think that I am a doormat. I need payback! All right! Girls' night out. Exotic male dancers at the Golden Banana.

Uh, upstate New York. Really. Well, I'm from Utica, and I've never heard anyone use the phrase "steamed hams."

Run along, you little scamp.

But you need to try things on. Every brand has a different idea of "husky." I'm in tantrum position. T-minus 5, 4, 3-- Remembering dead cat for real tears, and-- Fine, you win. I'll do your shopping for you.

No, I came to talk to you about your... potty mouth. What the hell are you talking about? All of us pull a few boners now and then-- Go off half-cocked, make asses of ourselves. I don't want to be hard on you but I wish you wouldn't curse in front of my boys.

I want to set the record straight. I thought the cop was a prostitute.

Wait a minute. I'm at work. You gotta pay for it! What the- Where's my money? f Marge's Voice f Wha- Oh. f Lisa's Voice f f Bats Voice f

Huh? ¡Ayayay! SeÑor Ding-Dong!

I'm Marge Simpson, and this is my husband, Homer. Oh, nice to meet you, Marge. I saw your hair from the plane. And you must be the man who didn't know if he had a pimple or a boil. It was a gummi bear.

Hmm. Ow ! You knew the city forensics finals are tomorrow, and you kept me here until 1:00 a.m. pretending to be stupid ! Homer J. Simpson, I hate you !

We're the performers you thought were dead Like Bonnie Franklin and Adrian Zmed Branson's the place we can always be found They took Nick at Nite and made it a town

If you're happy and you know it, say a swear Boobs! Heinie! Mitten!

Financial panther, eh? Mr. Simpson, you're a dollar overdrawn. Get him, Sheba! I'm on board.

I don't miss meat at all! This Portobello mushroom eats like a steak. A rubbery, fungus-like steak.

Bart! Bart! Cecil.

Ohhh, what the hell? Muuuah! Seven, six-- five, four, three, two, one--

They love, they share They share and love and share Love, love, love Share, share, share The Itchy & Scratchy Show

These spurs are killing me. Ey-y-y. Sit on it. Lenny, '50s day is next Wednesday. I gotta go home and change!

Hey, Homer! Great call on that chicken place. And on that rib place! I never knew everything was so good! Look, Marge. I'm making a difference in people's lives.

Careful there, Annie Oakley. I don't have to be careful. I got a gun. Well, you'll probably want the accessory kit. Holster. Oh, yeah. Bandolier. Baby. - Silencer. - Mm-hmm. Loudener. Oh! - Speed-Cocker. - Ooh! I like the sound of that. And this is for shooting down police helicopters.

For the love of God, cut to the commercial! Poor Krusty!

You made me miss the last precious moments of Bea's life ! I'll never speak to you again ! I have no son !

And a jar of garlic pickles. No one will want to kiss me after these, eh, Smithers? Well, it's their loss, sir. Yes. Allow me, sir.

I was thinking along the lines of... No TV and No Beer Make Homer-- something something. Go Crazy? Don't mind if I do!

They'll never know the simple joys of a monkey knife fight. Give it to him, boy! Give it to him!

Now, where were we? Oh, yeah! The important thing was that I had an onion on my belt, which was the style at the time.

Oh, I'm just happy to lie here appreciating and respecting you. Okay, buster, what is going on? Nothing! How can you even accuse me of repeated infidelity? Oh! I'm so angry, I could just-- I could fall asleep! I--

Oh, look at that adorable spice rack. Eight spices. Oh, some must be doubles. "oregano"? What the hell?

Nice grizzlies. N-Nice grizzlies. Nice grizzlies. What do we do, Dad ? Praise the grizzlies, son. Nice grizzlies. Nice grizzlies.

I won't need my high school diploma anymore! I am so smart I am so smart I am so smart I am so smart S-M-R-T I mean, S-M-A-R-R-T

What's the problem? Well, my family wants to move back to Springfield. Let 'em go. You'll stay here with me. We'll go bowling. What's bothering 'em?

His jiggling is almost hypnotic. Yes. It's like a lava lamp.

Wow! Have you ever seen so many robot cowboys? Hey, robot, get your fat metal ass down here! First of all, I'm not a robot.

Tonight I'll be reading from a copy of my book I just checked out at Atherton Library!

Lookin' out the window, that's a paddlin'.

Aah! Maggie! Hey, hey! Get your sticky hands off me! Ow!

I'm talkin' downtown. And before he broke his jaw, he never listened. But now he takes to heart everything I say. Well, as much as humanly possible. Well, Marge told us when you didn't listen, it led to "weckless" "cwiminal" behavior.

As I was saying, my yearly evaluation couldn't have come at a better time. Well, Seymour, I must say, for once, I am impressed. In fact, I am going to give this school a perfect 10. I'll just write the zero first. Now a vertical line to indicate the one.

he just has to celebrate." Here you go! Here I am! Uncle Moe! Thank you, ma'am! This'll be a treat! Uncle Moe! Here I am, while you eat! Please take the fries off my head, kid. The basket is extremely hot.

Huh? Donuts. Is there anything they can't do? - Dad, you're a hero. - Yes, son. I'm the best mono-thingy guy there ever was.

So I said to him, "Look, buddy, your car was upside down when we got here. And as for your grandma, she shouldn't have mouthed off like that!" Dad, don't you see you're abusing your power like all vigilantes? I mean, if you're the police, who will police the police? I dunno. Coast Guard?

It's 'N Sync! Word! This child thinks of nothing... but trendy Hollywood celebrities. We can learn much from this innocent one-- like Justin Timberlake's home phone number.

Okay. We have our choice of Rectangle Land, Cube Country or Squaresville. Squaresville sounds pretty cool.

I'll get you, you fat lunatic!

Bart, you are the meanest, nastiest little boy that ever lived. Hey, there's a dog in the next car looking at me. Hey, dog. You don't even care how upset I am! This time, you have gone too far.

Now, cut the power and hit 'em with the lights! You irreplaCeable you

School's out! Up yours, Krabappel!

This is Kent Brockman with a special live report... from the headquarters of Krusty opponent, John Armstrong. How can I prove we're live? Penis.

Barney forever! Wiggum never! Barney forever! Wiggum never! Hey, those girls you paid to scream are doing a great job!

Whoo-hoo! D'oh! Yes. You're in deep "d'oh" now.

And now, we return to Fox Night at the Movies. Homer s.: Portrait of an Ass Grabber, starring Dennis Franz. Ooh! Portrait. Sounds classy. Doesn't it?

Homer, I gave you this job because you're an average schmo. Oh, great. All you need is a little self-confidence. Unky Herb, I don't know anything about cars. Listen to me ! Here's what you do. From now on, before you say anything, say to yourself, "If I was ever sure of anything, I'm sure of this." - Do you understand ? - Sort of.

My mom got a job in Capitol City. Capitol City? You can't move that far. You're my best friend! What's your mom making? I'll match it! It's too late, Bart. My mom's already transferred her 401K. No!

Lou, you're promoted to Chief of Police. Sweet. And Eddie, you're promoted to Lou. Nice. And, uh, who's gonna be Eddie? We don't need an Eddie.

If you want to get closer to him maybe you should bridge the gap. I do it all the time. I pretend I'm interested in power tools going to silly car-chase movies and things I'll tell you when you're older. Do you understand?

There'll be trouble in town tonight Seymour! Superintendent, I was just-- uh, just stretching my calves on the windowsill. Isometric exercise. Care to join me? Why is there smoke coming out of your oven, Seymour? Uh-- Oh. That isn't smoke. It's steam.

We've never lost a year before, and I'll be damned if we're gonna lose one on my shift. Seven, six, five, four, three, two, one!

Won't you Come home franz brauder - won't you come home Yoo-hoo. Ach du Liebe! Das ist not eine booby.

Marge put together a nightclub act. I shot the sheriff But I did not shoot the deputy She didn't do it She didn't do it So the next time you see a sheriff, shoot him. A smile.

Let's just say we've got a few ideas up our sleeve. Like what? Uh-- I'd rather not get into it right now. Why not? All right. We don't have any ideas for the future. We got nothing. Happy? No.

Over Hollywood-- America needs you! We need you to go dance! We need you to get together and boogie-woogie-woogie-boogie! Shh!

Please. Really, I mean it ! Now, stop it ! I'm sorry, Marge. Take me home, Artie.

Brought to you by-- That dog can sell anything.

Oh, good. He can grab onto them pointy rocks. Oh, no. Them rocks broke his arms and legs! Oh, good. Those helpful beavers are swimming out to save him. Oh, no. They're biting him and stealing his pants.

Coochy coochy coo! Stop. Please stop. Oh, you swing like a girl. Come on, now. Please have mercy. Got your nose. Not funny. How 'bout this little bee? No! Oh! Remember your hippopotamus oath. Can't you do something for him?

Here is an ordinary square. Whoa! Whoa! Slow down, egghead. But suppose we extend the square beyond the two dimensions of our universe... along the hypothetical "Z" axis there. This forms... a three-dimensional object known as a cube,

Kaboom! That, the sound of the thunderous volcanic explosion... which gives birth to the magnificent geode, one of nature's most--

Hi, Poochie! You look like you've got something to say. - Do you? - Yes, I certainly do.

Besides, he's a great kisser. Ew! Yuck!

M-Mrs. Glick ? You must be Burt Simpson. Well, you look like you got a strong, young back. Would you like something to eat ? I got dried apricots, almond paste, sauerkraut candy-- Uh, no, thanks. Who's that ?

You might've hurt someone! Are you some kind of moron?

Well, sir, it has been an uneventful week in Badger Falls, where the women are robust, the men are pink-cheeked, and the children are pink-cheeked and robust.

Precious Venus.

What is it, Flanders? I'm afraid I have a bone to pick with you. If it's about your camcorder, I lost it, okay? No, I came to talk to you about your... potty mouth. What the hell are you talking about? All of us pull a few boners now and then-- Go off half-cocked, make asses of ourselves.

There's one person I'd like to thank for this. We've had our ups and downs, but I can't imagine life without him. Bart Simpson. Way to go, Bart!

Though it was unusual to spend 28 minutes reporting on a doll, this reporter found it impossible to stop talking. It's just really fascinating news, folks. Good night. Oh, and the president was arrested for murder. More on that tomorrow night.

Texas T.H.C. Look, man, I don't do drugs. Homer, for your eyes, the best tonic is chronic. You're not afraid, are you? I had a bad experience with drugs. It was that golden weekend between summer school and regular school.

Thank you. On the way we can do that $2,000 man thing. You be Carl Reiner, and I'll be Police Chief Wiggum. Listen. Why don't you play Carl Reiner and let me play Police Chief Wiggum? I hate Carl Reiner!

- Homer, stop picking at it. - Oh! But I'm so sweet and tasty. Well, time to go to work. Dad, I wouldn't go outside if I were you. Don't worry, boys. He's gotta come out of there sometime.

Why, here's Fox News. We are the champions My friend The cause of all this commotion is mayor and suspected illegal immigrant Joe Quimby,

Yeah. General Sherman. They say he's 500 pounds of bottom-dwelling fury, don't you know. No one knows how old he is, but if you ask me, and most people do, he's a hundred years if he's a day. And no one's ever caught him ? Well, one fella came close. Went by the name of Homer. Seven feet tall he was, with arms like tree trunks.

What's this? "Extremely high voltage." Well, I don't need safety gloves, because I'm Homer Simp-- Frank Grimes-- or "Grimey," as he liked to be called--

- Are you coming in, Homer ? - No, no. I wanna be alone with my thought.

Your infatuation is based on a physical attraction. Talk to the woman and you'll realize you have nothing in common. Barney, that is so insightful. How did you come up with that? It was on one of these bar napkins.

Bart, I wouldn't have expected this even from you. My son's a thief. Oh, Bart.

We'll also show you how to turn a shoebox into a you-box. Oh, I missed the feeding frenzy. I hope you're happy.

Oh. What do you think, Tom Clancy? Well, the B-2-- No, no, no. I was asking Maya Angelou. The ebony fighter awakens dappled with the dewy beads of morn. Maya Angelou is black? It is a Mach-five child... forever bound to suckle from the shriveled breast of Congress.

But, Marge, Alan Thicke is throwing knives at Ricardo Montalban. Ow. Sorry, Ricardo.

These days, everything from fax machines to coffee makers... can be plugged into your dash hole. I'll take 'em. DVD player, check. Sno-cone machine, check. Lite-Brite-- check. Fog machine-- Even I think this is crazy.

How could you both miss the bus to school? We touched hands, and then we had to wash the cooties off. What's all that rustling? My show-and-tell project-- a Peruvian fighting frog.

Bart, I forbid you to jump over that gorge. You can't. I can and do ! Go to your room, Bart !

The hell I won't. You're forgetting I've got my Powersauce bars. Wake up, Homer. Those bars are just junk. They're made of apple cores and Chinese newspapers. Hey. Deng Xiaoping died.

That is some outfit, Scoey. It makes you look like a homosexual. Oh. Maybe you all are homosexuals too.

Works for me. Uh, what do you like, Lisa? "Viomalin"? "Tubamaba"? "Oboemoboe"? That one. Oh, "saxomaphone." Two hundred dollars?

Meet Cue Ball, the man with no hair! Huh? He's hideous! We have to do something. Marge, it'll cost $8,500. We only have 500 in the bank, and that leaves...

Please, don't hurt me. Don't be afraid.

New job? Marge is pregnant? Noooo! Wow, Dad, you really threw a tantrum like a little sissy girl? Oh, just that one time. Actually, when I was about to have Bart--

Three seconds, folks. A new record. Hey, no. I'm not down. I'm-- Get up, you ! Get off the mat. Okay. Here we go. Yo, chump, you back again ? Get outta the way ! How come he's not ducking ? Wait a minute. I can't get my-- Get out of the way, stupid ! Homer ? Not now, Marge !

Bah! Welcome to my world.

Yep. I saw her.

featuring clips like this one of Sideshow Mel whacked out on wowee sauce. Everyone's always kissing your ass. Well, I'm not afraid to tell you you're a--

Ah, my plan has come to fruition. Soon I'll be queen of summertime. Oh. King. King!

ALL: Eat my shorts! ALL: Cowabunga! (ALL SHOUTING) (EXPLOSION) (IRISH MUSIC PLAYING)

We've all been the victims of a cruel hoax perpetrated by a ten-year-old hooligan. The time has come for finger-pointing, and most of them are squarely aimed at the boy's parents. It's not our fault. We didn't want the boy. He was an accident. Homer! Could you edit that last part? Mr. Simpson, we're live.

Same old space, huh, Dad? Yep, but they gave me these roller blades... so I can glide to the front door. Whoop. Oh. Whoa. Whoa. Sweet.

Oh, thank you, Mr. Simpson. It looks so much better-- a beautiful sky blue.

I'll take him. Do you have him in blond?

Bart, this is just Dad. Uh, it's a composite character. Your dad, my dad, a little of Maggie's dad. No, it's just Dad. Maybe Angry Dad needs a sidekick, Know-It-All Sister! Can she have a pony? And the last line in the scene?

Now, how may I best dispense with you today?

You guys are nuts!

Stupid bug! You go squish now! But that was just one little insignificant mosquito. That can't change the future, right? Right? I dunno.

You know, Simpson, from the moment you walked into my office... I had a feeling I'd kill you in a hall of mirrors.

I work For monty burns muh-muh-muh-muh-muh-muh-muh Monty burns Mr. Smithers, may we offer you a ride to work?

And I'm Edward G. Robinson. Waah!

You see the circular pattern on those fields? - That's from central-pivot irrigation. - Wow. Now let's see what's happening at the Super Bowl. Homer! Homer! Homer! Homer! Oops. Sorry. Homer! Homer! Homer!

Now to the top of Mount Springfield for the coronation. Remove the Stone of Shame. Whoo-hoo! Attach the Stone of Triumph.

The Simpsons D'oh!

I'm sorry. Isn't that-- Yeah, that's me, all right. And the guy standing next to me is President Gerald Ford. And this is when I was on tour with the Smashing Pumpkins. Oh! And here's a picture of me in outer space. You... went into outer space? You? Sure. You've never been? Would you like to see my Grammy award?

- Hey, nice threads. - I'm beat. And after work, I gotta dedicate a new Jiffy Lube and cohost the ACE Awards.

Oh, there's Mother now-- watching me. What's that, Mother? They have a right to be here. It's school business. I-- Mother, that sailor suit doesn't fit anymore! I think we should go. Uh-huh.

Hi, Dad. Looking for me? I don't know. Were you looking for me? I don't know. Oh, Lisa. I was looking for you. I wanted to apologize. I don't know exactly what went wrong, but I know it's always my fault. Actually, Dad, this time I was wrong-- - Oh. - too.

Daddy, all the fumes are making me dizzy. Well, now, Rodney, the Lord wouldn't let us die this way. That's right, Ned. Now, you three take a little nap while I make some hot chocolate. BOTH: Yay!

Look at me, Bart! I'm driving! We're all proud of you, Dad.

What the hell is that?

He said "tried"!

Oh, I always wanted to be a Teamster. So lazy and surly. Mind if I relax next to ya?

I need the biggest seed bell you have. No, that's too big.

The eating of an orange is a lot like a good marriage. just eat the damn oranges!

Two plus two is four. Two plus two is four. Two plus two is four. I can see why this is so popular. Look at him. - Two plus two is four. - Two-- Give me my bear, Simpson!

Mr. jefferson, my name is Lisa Simpson, and I have a problem. I know your problem. The Lincoln Memorial was too crowded. Sorry, sir. It's just-- No one ever comes to see me. I don't blame them. I never did anything important--

Oh! Patience, Monty. Climb the ladder. Is he the leader? Of this chapter. There are chapters all over the world. And it has been foretold that someday a Chosen One will-- Okay, okay. I didn't ask for your life story.

Do I understand you correctly, Bartron? Do you wish me to release you from the Helmet of Evil Thoughts... with my enchanted space wand? Yes! Yes! Yes! I will do it, Bartron.

I thought you said you broke their spirits. We did. You broke nothing. Let's get 'em! To the hydrofoil!

Out of the frying pan! Yuck! All right, uh, let's get started on lunch. And-- Wait. Where's Lenny? Hello?

Frank Grimes, Jr.

Cold biscuits, chicken, yellow... mailman. You're reading the wine list, sir. Very good.

Troy, Mac Parker. Ever hear of Planet of the Apes?

This is where we invented the Lambada and the Macarena. We are now developing our most powerful dance-- the Penetrada. It makes sex look like a church! I don't think my daughter should hear this. You can't protect her forever, you stupid lady.

Oh, boy! Free trading cards! Wow! joseph of Aramathea! Twenty-six conversions in A.D. 46! Whoa! A Methuselah rookie card!

Hi, Homer. Mindy! Uh-- Oh, no, I'm sweating like Roger Ebert. Mu-- Murphy, youse-- You are a elf-- Uncontrollably, I think--

When I grow up, I wanna be a principal or a caterpillar. I love you, Principal Skinner.

And what was Ringo's response ? I never got any. And I never painted again. Maybe you could take a class at Springfield Community College. I think it's a very nice idea. Don't you, Homer ? Do I have to do anything ?

Lisa in trouble. Ha! The "ironing" is delicious. The word is "irony."

Yeah, just a sec. I'll check. Uh, Amanda Huggenkiss! Hey, I'm looking for Amanda Huggenkiss! Why can't I find Amanda Huggenkiss? Maybe your standards are too high.

You may not. I am all out. Though I do have a surprising abundance... of Lee Carvallo's Putting Challenge.

I am talking to the collection-money thief! Only you can come forward and end this injustice! Oh, what the heck. It was jessica Lovejoy!

Ten, nine, eight-- eight-- eight-- eight-- Ohh! Will this horrible year never end? We've never lost a year before, and I'll be damned if we're gonna lose one on my shift. Seven, six, five, four, three, two, one!

Don't worry, kids. I know just what to do. jumanji! Does anything from the movies actually work? Ah, nuts! Isn't there anybody who can round up these thunder lizards? Uh, they'd need a pretty rugged vehicle.

It says here the swords were sold to C. Ebenezer Burns. Burns? The evil industrialist who makes coal out of babies? (GASPS) I know just where to find him!

I got the idea when I noticed the refrigerator was cold. Won't this overload the motor? Marge, can you set the oven to cold?

Oh, no. Pinch! Happy St. Patrick's Day, loser! Ow! Quit it! It's the wearin' of the green, Bart! Pinch, pinch, pinch! No one's pinching his legs. Pinch, pinch, pinch, pinch! Oh! Oh!

- Ow! - Ow, that hurts! Man, we're stupid. Hate you guys. The next morning we went out to the old quarry to have a swim.

All right, who's hungry? We're right near a Judi Dench's Fish & Chips. SQUEAKY-VOICED BRITISH TEEN: Welcome to Judi Dench's Fish & Chips. Now completely free of "Mad Fish Disease."

It's okay. It's okay. I'm back. See? Daddy's here. Come on, Maggie. Maybe if you just squeeze a little. That's it. That's it. I-- D'oh!

She's right ! She's right ! Oh, how I miss TV. Dear God, just give me one channel ! Homer, it's not the end of the world. Before we got married, we hardly ever watched television. You lie.

Say you don't need no diamond rings and I'll be satisfied tell me that you want the kind of things that money just can't buy I don't care too much for money money can't buy me love

But I'm just too tired. Well, my special mix tape will get you going. w'w' f "Brahms 's Lullaby"] Oh, no. That's Maggie's mix tape! Then Maggie must’ve gotten-

Arr! That's Handsome Pete. He dances for nickels. Pete, ye got some customers.

Winners don't use drugs. Ehh! Ehh! Ehh! Ehh! Ehh! Ehh! Ehh! Ehh!

People of Springfield, I, um-- I don't know quite how to say this-- Don't be shy, little girl. Think of jebediah, and the words will come.

- Can you recommend a doctor who will? - Yes.

Geez, Homer. I thought someone with two wives would be happy. No. You're thinking of someone with two knives. I gotta tell ya, this is pretty terrific. Yeah!

Duff. The official beer of NASA-- National Association of the Sellers of Alcohol. Yay! Why does a dog have human girlfriends? People do crazy things in ads-- like eat at Arby's.

It'll be just like The Swiss Family Robinson, only with more cursing. We're gonna live like kings. Damn, hell, as kings.

Lisa, it's your birthday happy birthday, Lisa

Well, finally, a little luck.

Hi, I'm Troy McClure. You may remember me from such educational films as Two Minus Three Equals Negative Fun! And Firecrackers: The Silent Killer. Mr. McClure?

- Look! It's Lisa Lionheart! - Keep running. We're almost there.

All right, Mr. Burns, you win. But beware-- we Germans aren't all smiles und sunshine. Ooh, the Germans are mad at me. I'm so scared. Ooh, the Germans! Stop it. Stop that. The Germans are coming after me. Stop the pretending you are scared game.

Good luck, sir. No bag boys are gonna stop Lenny... from hosting a casual get-together. Casual? I can taste that get-together now. Hey! I was holding that. Next time I'll knock your hat off, scab.

Soy! Soy! Soy! Soy! Soy! Soy! Soy!

I'm... I'm gay.

I'm one lesson short.

I'd like to thank you on behalf of the group, and I hope we passed the audition.

He prefers the company of men. Who doesn't? Homer, listen carefully. john is a homo-- - Right. - sexual.

What are you doing now? I'm banging my head. I'm gonna make the lump even bigger. No! As your babysitter, I order you to stop hitting your head on the wall! Bart?

I think you need Skinner, Bart. Everybody needs a nemesis. Sherlock Holmes had his Dr. Moriarty. Mountain Dew has its Mello Yello. Even Maggie has that baby with the one eyebrow.

Boy, did you make a prank call to Brazil? No, sir. I didn't. Choke on your lies! I'll teach you to-- Homer, they must've made a mistake.

Simba, on the ball. Aaah! Not the face! Ah, they'll be chewing on him for a while. ¡Ay, Ay, Ay! ¡La policÍA!

It's been done.

Checks out. Okay, sir, you're free to go. Good, 'cause I got a hot date tonight. A date. Dinner with friends. Dinner alone. Watching TV alone. All right! I'm gonna sit at home and ogle the ladies... in the Victoria Secret Catalog. Sears Catalog.

Do you really think I can win? Hey, I'm starting to think I can win. But those other girls are prettier than me. Lise, as your brother, this is the hardest thing I've every had to say. You're not ugly. Oh, Bart!

Ooh! Spike Lee, and the always lovely and vivacious head of Kitty Carlisle. Hi, everybody! Let's start the game! Aah!

"Number one: bra. "Number two: horny. Number three: family jewels."

Uh, that's influenza, that's bronchitis... and this cute little cuddle-bug is pancreatic cancer. Here's what happens when they all try to get through the door at once. Move it, chowderhead! We call it Three Stooges syndrome.

and have lots of money! Oh, he's poor. But look at all the other people that aren't p-- Oh, look at all the people who could buy and sell me! i should send a list of these names to the I.R.S.! i'm taking them all down!

Oh, Dean. This is what your new hip is going to look like. You're gonna have to go easy on it.

I'll just have a cup of coffee. Beer it is. No, I said coffee. - Beer? - Coff-ee. Be-er? C-O-- B-E--

Woodstock, '99. Quick! I need some water! Eight dollars! Not in this lifetime.

Has the weight loss tape reduced your appetite? Lamentably, no. My gastronomic rapacity knows no satiety.

Mom, are those rabbits dead? No. No, Lisa. They're just sleeping... upside down and inside out.

And God said, Gather ye two of every flavor. Anoint them with 62 sauces, whipped cream and nuts. And ye shall call it... the Ark!

HENRY: Do we really need three of these people? Too ethnic, change it. More like "Cart-wrong." Worst voicing ever. Finally, a real celebrity. Oh, good. More producers. Just what they need. Him, I like.

Lisa Simpson is no longer Little Miss Springfield. She was stripped of her crown in a ceremony earlier today. Well, that's obviously the wrong footage. Uh, but it does seem the father of the deposed beauty queen, Homer Simpson, filled out the pageant application incorrectly.

What was it, 50-- $60,000? Moe? Look, maybe it would help if you went over all the mistakes you made from the beginning. Moe? What? Let me get a pad.

Even bonnets? Especially bonnets.

I am waiting for a-- Whoa! Ooh! Aah! I didn't do it.

Jiminy jillickers. Jiminy jillickers. Jiminy jillickers!

But despite their mounting problems, the Simpsons' star continued to rise, like a plastic bag caught in an updraft. it was such an honor to be on the Walk of Fame. i mean, there we were with Hollywood royalty like Milton Berle and Nelson Mandela. And just a few stars down from the Cheerios honeybee.

- Hey Homer, how's your car coming ? - Oh, fine. We were putting in an onboard something-or-other... and rack and peanut steering. - Homer. - Huh ? You didn't ask for rack and pinion steering, did you ? Uh, yeah, I think I did. How could you ask for it ? You don't even know what it is. You just called it rack and peanut steering. May I be excused ?

Listen carefully, and watch me wink as I speak, okay? Okay. The guy I'm really looking for-- wink-- is Mr. Bribe-- wink, wink. It's a ringtoss game. All right, that's it. I'm shutting this game down.

Mr. Simpson, how long have you been a cat person? All my life, Kent. I prefer "catsup" to "ketchup." And to me, Yusuf Islam will always be Cat Stevens. Terrific stuff. You must really love the Broadway musical Cats. God, no. It sucks.

Oh, no. It's happening. Uh-oh.

They're just words, Neddie. Words can't hurt you. Ow! That's it! Dad, that was really mean. I know, sweetie. And I got him right in the-- Uh-oh! Uh, hi, Flanders. Go, Wildcats.

I'd do anything for keg-meister julius. So I cooked up a phony awards show. Not again. Time saver, my ass.

Whoa! Whoo! Hello, sweet cheeks!

This is all your fault!

All right! Everybody in the pool! - 'Tis a fine barn, but sure 'tis no pool, English. - D'oh-ith! Is it a pool yet? Yes, Dad.

Yes. May I see it? No. Seymour! The house is on fire! No, Mother. It's just the northern lights. Well, Seymour, you are an odd fellow, but I must say you steam a good ham.

No, you idiot ! I'm ignoring you ! You made me miss the last precious moments of Bea's life ! I'll never speak to you again ! I have no son !

Good-bye, Troy. I'll always remember you, but not from your films. Come on, jub jub. Let's go home, and I'll microwave you some nice roaches.

Homer, is this projection accurate? Did you borrow money from my sisters? I don't know, Marge. I can't be expected to keep track of all my wheelings and dealings. He blew all your savings on jack-o'-lanterns. You told!

I am Death. Death? We don't want any. I have come for Bart Simpson. Bart, run like the (MISPRONOUNCING) wind!

This next song is also about a girl and her pony. It's called "WildfIre."

Some say the ducks went to Canada. Others say Toronto. And some people think that Joe used to sit down there, near those ducks.

The fingers you have used to dial are too fat. To obtain a special dialing wand, please mash the keypad with your palm now. I'm gonna have to shut it down myself!

You're sending us to a doctor who advertises on pro wrestling ?

You're gonna blow it! Ah. That's what I get for having faith in ya.

This way, Mr. Simpson. You sure have got some education, Mr. Hutz. Yes-- Harvard, Yale, M.I.T., Oxford, the Sorbonne, the Louvre.

I'm not wearing a tie at all. But if I am wrong about that, maybe I am wrong about Mrs. Simpson. No further questions.

Pretty cool of your mom to let us hang out here. Totally. Not like my mom. She'd be butting in with Rice Krispies squares and Tang.

Well, it sure is lucky... we stumbled upon this old, abandoned summer camp. Yeah. - Hey, how about a song? - Okay. Yeah.

Yes, I finked on Homer, but, you know, he deserved it. Never have I seen such abuse of the "Take a penny, leave a penny" tray.

You know, the problem here was water leakage. If you just buy a fifty-cent washer-- I've got a better idea. Get the hell out! Look, I've got some washers in my truck. I'll give you one. Marge, get my gun.

"Here lies"-- Walt Whitman? Damn you, Walt Whitman! I... hate... you, Walt... freakin'... Whitman! Leaves of Grass my ass!

Marge, this may be hard to believe, but I'm trapped inside two vending machines. Sure, Homer. Trapped in vending machines. Okay.

Lies make Baby jesus cry.

That does it. I'm outta here. Mrs. Krabappel, I have to go to the dentist. I have a caraway seed caught under my bridgework.

You've got the wrong Nick's. You want Nick's on the other side of town. I don't know what Nicky's telling you. I haven't flushed a ball in years.

I like to play with you. My back. I like to play with you. There goes my back again. I like to play with you. I like to play with you. I like to play with you. I like to play with you. Go get help, boy. I like to play with you. I like to play with you.

Dear Marge, xxx-- Homer. Big shots with their stainless steel lunch boxes.

This is even more painful than it looks.

Son of a-- oof! What next? Uh-oh.

opening this Saturday. No, kid! Don't! Command link severed. Default setting. Crush. Kill. Destroy.

Americans have grown up with the image of the jolly fat man-- Dom DeLuise Alfred Hitchcock, and, of course Santa Claus. But in real life Santa would be suffering from gall stones hypertension, impotence, and diabetes.

Hello, class! Hi, Bart. Over here, sweetie. It's me, Mom. Hi. Hey! Hello! Well, I'm sure some of you already know me. I'm Bart Simpson's mother.

here is the theme song from the hit motion picture, The Bodyguard. ANd i-eee-i-eee-i Will always love you-oo Whee-ha!

It means he gets results, you stupid chief!

Well, that's my story. And if you still wanna tear apart this young Sunday school student... as he stands on the brink of salvation, - I await your wrath. - Aw ! - Somehow I don't feel like killing anymore. - Neither do I. Dad.

And that key he tied to the end of a kite?

Looks like those clowns in Congress did it again. What a bunch of clowns. How does he keep up with the news like that?

I wish they had never invented fried cheese. We got to widen the hole. Hurry-- The chain's starting to give.

But lucky for you, somebody here is responsible. Hey! There's a New Mexico.

I knew there was only one person who could reunite this troubled clan-- my old fraternity brother Willie Nelson. I'd do anything for keg-meister julius. So I cooked up a phony awards show. Not again. Time saver, my ass.

"Well, Camus can do, but Sartre is smartre." So original. How droll. Yeah, well, Scooby-Doo can doo-doo, but jimmy Carter is smarter.

It's Bart's moon party from outer space With R2-D2 playing the bass Hmm. No one's touching the hors d'oeuvres. It's Bart's moon party from outer space... What?

Your earlobe's bleeding. Oh. So, I guess major muffins like yourselves all have dates, huh? You'd better believe it. Really? All of you? Uh, we all have dates, Lisa. Everyone does. Even me.

Oh, no. Everything's ruined. Our good bellows. Our stereopticon. Squiggy! Homer! Your strop. Your strop!

Do I smell vodka? And wheatgrass? It's called a lawn mower. I invented it. - You want one? - Yeah, okay. And I'll have a rum and zinc. Ooh, I'll have one of those too. Hey, can I crash here tonight? Sure. We'll all stay.

and pulled apart by snowmobiles until he died. ALL: Eat my shorts! ALL: Cowabunga! (ALL SHOUTING) (EXPLOSION) (IRISH MUSIC PLAYING)

Take out the mother cow. The rest will follow. Your corporation cuts down the rain forest... to create grazing land for cattle. Oh, for the love of-- Gimme that! No, you can't!

Must kill family. They'd been given rifles, but no ammunition.

All right! You guys are my new best friends. You wish, loser! (GRUNTS) (CLANKING) (HOMER LAUGHING)

Hi, kids ! Is this Saturday ?

Oh, I always thought karma was baloney, but not anymore. Mmm, caramel bologna.

Woo-hoo! (SCATTING)

Children, the times they are a-becoming quite different.

Testing. Testing. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Hey.

Ohh! Will this horrible year never end? We've never lost a year before, and I'll be damned if we're gonna lose one on my shift. Seven, six, five, four, three, two, one!

Well, thank you, Ralph. You're such a fine, young gentleman. Help! She's touching my special area!

I'm a stupid moron with an ugly face and a big butt, and my butt smells and I like to kiss my own butt?

When Bart went through the transporter, what happened to his head? Oh, it'll turn up somewhere. Help me! Help me! Sucker!

Teamwork is overrated. Huh? Think about it. I mean, what team was Babe Ruth on? Who knows? Yankees. Sharing is a bunch of bull too. And helping others. And what's all this crap I've been hearing about tolerance? Hmm. Your ideas are intriguing to me, and I wish to subscribe to your newsletter.

It's pretty tame by today's standards. Children ! Bedtime ! I guess I'll have no trouble gettin' to sleep tonight.

Quick. You gotta hide me from PBS. Their bloodthirsty pursuit is made possible by a grant from the Chubb Group. Give us the money! Elmo knows where you live.

Unfortunately, the money never arrived. Well, this is a kick in the knickers. Should we complain to somebody? No. I say we just act snooty to Americans forever! I agree.

Don't do that ! Don't do that ! Hey, don't do that ! Take that, you dumb squirrel ! Where do they get their ideas ?

Hey, robot, get your fat metal ass down here! First of all, I'm not a robot.

into the mailbox.

Well, I don't need safety gloves, because I'm Homer Simp-- Frank Grimes-- or "Grimey," as he liked to be called-- taught us that a man can triumph over adversity,

Well if it isn't my old friend Mr. McGreg, with a leg for an arm and an arm for a leg.

It's got to have sex appeal... and a catchy name.

You promised Lisa to help her with her costume. You made her cry. Then I cried. Then Maggie laughed. She's such a little trouper.

And then sometimes I switch it up, like-- "No! No! No! Don't stop a-rockin'!"

That's okay. Your tears say more than real evidence ever could.

Hmm. Patent pending, patent pending, patent pending.

Darryl. Darryl. Darryl. Darryl. - Darryl. - Darryl. Children, that's not very nice. Mom, they're professional athletes. They're used to this. It rolls right off their backs.

Oh, I'm afraid this problem goes far beyond Eugene and Rusty.

He's bowling a 280.

Hey! Get your mouth off of that!

This just in, a monster tornado is tearing through Dayton, Ohio! (GASPING) That's where Mom and Dad are! KENT: Looks like the twister is headed right for the Dayton Arms Hotel! ALL: Ahhh! They might not be dead. They could be in the basement.

Don't you ever, ever talk that way about television.

Shh! Don't shush me, you rich bastard!

- Oh, act your age. - Oh! You are so dead.

Well, you all know what laughter sounds like.

The only girl I ever loved invited me up to the tree house. She had something very important to tell me. I'm so happy. I just had to tell someone. I have a boyfriend.

Closed-captioned By Captions, Inc. Los AngeleS

By gum, it worked. I've awakened in the future. "Moon Pie." What a time to be alive.

What about Bob Hope? He's been consistently popular for over 50 years. So has Sinatra.

Oh, that's good narration.

Oh, the hammock district. That's right. Ready for the linkup, Mr. Scorpio. Homer, one second. I gotta take care of this. Very important. Be right back. Fine. Good afternoon, gentlemen. This is Scorpio. I have the doomsday device. You have 72 hours to deliver the gold,

Wait a minute. There's something bothering me about this place. I know! This lesbian bar doesn't have a fire exit! Enjoy your deathtrap, ladies. What was her problem?

"Feelin' fine." Well, that's a relief. This is less encouraging.

Captain, we've been attacked by some sort of force ray! Space air is flooding in. Right. Goggles on!

Well, time for my walk. Mm. Don't forget to die. Ding-dong.

You're here, aren't you? Yes, Bart. I never left you. Wh-What do you want from me? You'll see... after the surgery.

Jenda, I think we're ready to go all the way, but I'm a little nervous. Bart, don't be nervous. Sex on prom night is as American as our 51st state, Saudi Israelia.

Looks like I'm gonna have to baptize you myself.

Will you tell the court your whereabouts at the time of the carjacking? I was alone in me Unabomber-style shack. I had nothing to do with that carjacking. Carjacking? Who said anything about a carjacking? But didn't ya just say-- I'll ask the questions here, Carjacker Willie! Objection!

But I wanna go to Duff Gardens right now! - Oh, Homer, quit pouting. - I'm not pouting. I'm mourning. Stupid dead woman.

"You will not see me again until I am a man."

(STUTTERS) Yes, Superintendent Chalmers? Do you know what today is? Today? Yes, of course I do! Happy birthday to you, happy... It not my birthday, Seymour. You know I'm a Sagittarius. Really? I'm a Libra. There's a lot of compatibility there.

Hey, Barney, what'll it be? I'd like a beer, Moe. I'd like a single plum floating in perfume, served in a man's hat. Here you go.

Can't we have one meeting that doesn't end with us digging up a corpse?

If so, then I guess I'm just a caveman, if they existed, which they didn't. Boy, when you write, you can let your imagination run wild.

I must have that oil. Smithers, Smithers, help me subdue this... beast. Sorry, sir, this is all I could find. Take that and that! Please don't waste those.

But-- Son, if you don't come out, I can't hug you and kiss you and make you feel all better. You think I'm dumb enough to fall for that ? I'm insulted.

D'oh! Uh, okay. Uh-- Let's see. Um, what if I did this? You're on your own.

A-- A coffin! Die, you chalk-faced goons!

The Mutton Chop Murderer is long gone. But this ledger will lead us to him.

You're my lady Of the morning - This truly is hell! Love shines In your eyes Okay. It has been 20 years, and you suitors have been very patient.

Me flap dickey long time." Hey, Krusty, great set. Are you kidding? I stunk up the joint.

It's funny because it's true.

Lousy, cheap country.

Marge, come on! (GRUNTS) We'll be safe in the gas chamber.

The other dragons shall hear of this. HOMER: Hey, dragon, you fly like a girl! Go, go, go! (SIGHS) (NERVOUS MURMUR) Homer, I'm gonna need you to do something for me when we get to China. You name it, O wise mountain ape.

And Harry Potter and all his wizard friends... - went straight to hell for practicing witchcraft. - Yea!

Homer, what is it? Slow down. Yer getta ferda redda oura. Think before you say each word.

The governor says he hopes you're a twitcher. Oh, yes!

Could you... give me a... handful of peanuts, - Maude ? - Oh, sure. Not those peanuts. The ones at the bottom. Oh, okay. Ahhh !

- Television broken? - No. There's a badger in there. Badger, my ass. It's probably Milhouse. Milhouse. Milhouse! It's a badger, all right, or possibly a griffin.

To think, I turned to a cult for mindless happiness... when I had beer all along. And you, Marge, the bringer of beer. It's wonderful to think for ourselves again. You said it, Sister. You are watching Fox. We are watching Fox.

I'm not crazy. It's the TV that's crazy! Aren't you, TV? The crisis? Charlie Bluhdorn's birthday. The solution? A snappy banner. Out comes the phone, in flies Bobby Towne... and six drafts later, I had myself a party. You see? Gibberish. All gibberish.

Topes win ! Topes win !

Former president Gerald Ford? Put 'er there. I'm Homer Simpson. Say, Homer, do you like football? Do I ever! Do you like nachos?

I rarely feel the need to utter d'oh Top 'o the mornin', ladies. Bite us. I can walk from Springfield to Alaska Then hobnob with the stars in Malibu Hi, Homer. I'm actor Steve Buscemi.

HOMER: I've got you Deep in the heart of me FEMALE SINGER: So deep in my heart You're really a part of me

Oh, Abraham, calm down. I'm not here to scare you. They've got me haunting a family in Texas. Oh. Well, I'm glad you're keeping busy. Now listen, Abe. I want to know why my money isn't bringing you happiness.

I think that guy's a spy. Of course he's a spy. You just saw him go through spy school. Oh, wait. I heard how this ends. Turns out the secret code was the same nursery rhyme he told his daughter.

Oh, jury duty! I'll see that Quimby kid hang for this! I knew it was a bad idea to watch him open the mail.

I'm Headmaster St. John Van Hookstratten. Ten-four, Princess. Is that your beer tent? Ow! Monkeys point. Monkeys cry.

I look forward to it.

Look closer, Lenny.

Are the luCkiest people in the world with one person

Hello, everybody! Sparkle, sparkle. Bart! An earring. How rebellious. In a conformist sort of way. What on earth possessed you to get an earring? Milhouse has one. If Milhouse jumped off a cliff-- Milhouse jumped off a cliff? I'm there. Get back here, boy. You're a disgrace to this family,

All right, all right, smart guy. Oh, for crying out loud, I dropped one. Oh! Now it's in my shoe! Ow! Ow! Ooh! Ow! Ooh! Ow! Ooh!

Good going, son. But remember-- Most lynch mobs aren't this nice.

That's exactly the point! Oh, Simpson, can't you go five seconds without humiliating yourself? How long was that? Your clownish behavior notwithstanding,

Okay. Memorize these funny place names. Walla Walla, Keokuk, Cucamonga, Seattle. Stop it. You're killing me! Ah! Seattle!

Very unprofessional, Phil.

Well, anyway, I brought you a present. Look! It's a telescope I won at the optics festival. There was an optics festival, and I wasn't informed? You go now. But-- Go!

Blue ! Yellow ! Green. Black. Green. Green. I was right ! We'll be right back with more Grade School Challenge...

D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh!

I work hard for the money So hard for the money - Oh, I something-something money Come on give me lots of honey Now, there's an employee, Smithers. A smile on his lips and a song in his heart. Promote him. Turn tape over!

Ew! How could anyone consider that making love? All right, Jack. You're hired. I'll clear you out a cubby. You told a lie for me. I know. But the Lord will forgive me if it helps you get a second chance. Actually, Marge, it's the third if you count that farm couple. Farm couple?

Hey, kids, wanna drive through that cactus patch? Yeah! Yeah! No! Whoop, two against one.

J; Uh-oh. That's toxic waste!

Well, he's erratic. He tends to explode in the 7-8-9 frames. Actually, that was Pontiac, Michigan.

Y'arr, everyone likes a gumball machine. So why not a gumbo machine? Y'arr... (SCREAMS) Does your school nurse treat burns?

Drink up, Judah Ben-Hur. You truly are the king of kings.

Marge, this is Andre. Hello. I think you two would make a lovely couple. My husband is still alive! Oh. Thank God. I hope he pulls through. Not me.

Nelson Muntz. I want you to keep filling your shirt with crud till I get back. Y-Yes, sir.

Huh? Lisa, stop blowing my sex-- I mean, stop blowing your sax. Your sax. Stop it.

Homer, are you awake? This is important. Give me some sign you're awake. Wake up! What? What's wrong? House run away? Dog's on fire? Homie, do you think that the romance has gone out of our lives? Wake up!

You've already used up your birthday and Christmas presents on that peach tree we got you. And you hardly ever play with that anymore. Yes, I do. Sure, I do. Look! La-la, here I am playing on my peach tree, Mom. Oh, all right, we'll go.

Take that, Mom! Take that, Dad! Send me to a psychiatrist, will you? Take that, Dr. Sally Waxler!

Good evening. I've been asked to tell you... that the following show is very scary, with stuff that might give your kids nightmares. You see, there are some crybabies out there-- religious types mostly-- who might be offended.

Oh! I'm bad at this. I'm going to enjoy devouring you, Bart Simpson. Yes. I believe I'll start, as you've so often suggested, by eating your shorts.

What the hell is this? It's a Kisses-Make-Me- Boogie-o'-Lantern. Kiss it and make it boogie. Kiss it. Uh, maybe later.

Howdy-do, neighbor! Good pipe weather. Thought I'd fire up the briar. Can't talk. Busy. Okilly-dokilly-do. Did you notice how slanted he looked? All part of God's great plan.

That's Homer Simpson's computer. Oh, God! It's spreading! Happy New-- Wha-- Oh, no. It's happening.

What really matters is my title. I think I'll make myself... vice president. No, wait. Junior vice president.

It's a two-party system. You have to vote for one of us. He's right. This is a two-party system. Well, I believe I'll vote for a third-party candidate. Go ahead. Throw your vote away.

(MUSIC PLAYING ON TV) ANNOUNCER: Tonight on Celebrity Chop Shop, we sell the parts off Jason Bateman's Bentley. What did you do to my car? Dude, you've been chop shopped! Why would you do that? How am I gonna get home? Chop shop! Chop shop! (ZAPPING)

You need to find an anchor of some sort. Think harder, Homer. I'll take that.

You stink, Strawberry! We want Home-Run Homer! Darryl. Darryl. Darryl. Darryl. - Darryl. - Darryl. Children, that's not very nice. Mom, they're professional athletes. They're used to this. It rolls right off their backs.

Boy, everyone is stupid except me.

Two Krusty shakes, a doughnut burger with cheese... and a party-size bucket of flan. Yes, I will have fries with that. Anything to get out of work.

Oh, no ! See ? You're a pig. Barney's a pig. Larry's a pig. We're all pigs. Except for one difference. Once in a while, we can crawl out of the slop, hose ourselves off and act like human beings. Homer, buy your wife some flowers and take her out for a night on the town.

The safe baby craze. It's sweeping Springfield, thanks to one crusading parent. That's me! Safety dance! You can dance You can dance Everybody look at your pants But while Homer Simpson has made our babies safe,

Duh, stay out of Riverdale!

Bart, what are you doing ? Get down from there before the neighbors see-- Hey, Simpson.

I'm pretty sure I can struggle my way out. First, I'll just reach in and pull my legs out. Now I'll pull my arms out with my face. Mm. - Dad! - Homie!

Ee-eew. Lisa, the blob has got me! Don't touch me, or it'll get you too! Dad, you have to put chlorine in the water every day to keep it clean. Chlorine, eh?

He's going to grow up straight for once! What? You never went hunting before, and you're perfectly straight. Oh, yeah? How long since you've had a baby?

Why, you little... (GRUNTS) (GAGS) To have a libido... Dad, look who's in there. (GASPS) Flanders?

Did we ever turn off that shower nozzle?

Uh, it's hard for us to leave when you're standing there, Mom. Push her down, Son.

Bleeding Gums Murphy! Little Lisa. It's good to see you again.

La la-la la-la la la la la-la la-la la-la la la-la-la BeCause I'm free nothin's worryin' me

And the winner, Moe Szyslak! Oh, that's great. Thank you. Thanks a lot. Uh, I just want to say that it was an honor for me... to compete with the mick and the, uh, chick with the rack there. Yeah, all right, Moe! That's my Moo!

It's awful bein' a kid. No one listens to ya. It's rotten bein' old. No one listens to ya! I'm a white male, aged 18 to 49. Everyone listens to me, no matter how dumb my suggestions are.

By gum, it worked. I've awakened in the future.

You're also fat. I'm also fat!

This one spent two hours in the broiler. Bart, sensible bites! All right, Lisa.

You know, I'm here today as Luke Skywalker, but I'm also here to talk about Sprint. As you can see, you stand to save up to 17 cents a month over the more dependable providers. Aw, talk about Star Wars. You stupid nerds! He's trying to save you money on long distance.

Sounds like the doomsday whistle. Ain't been blown for nigh onto three years.

Whoa, look at this place. What a dump ! It's worse than you think. I just trampled this poor sap's flower bed. - Homer, this is our house. - Aaah ! - Are you coming in, Homer ? - No, no. I wanna be alone with my thought.

That's right. The year is 1965. And you and I are undercover detectives on the hot-rod circuit. Now let's burn rubber, baby! Speedway Squad! In color.

Whoa, Nellie. We have ourselves a barn burner here today. Welcome to the 117th dust up between the Snortin' Swine of Springfield A&M... and the Springfield University Nittany Tide.

My father was the most respected man in the lower East Side of Springfield. People would come from miles around to ask his advice. Reb Krustofski, should I finish college? Yes. No one is poor except he who lacks knowledge. Rabbi, should I have another child?

Please don't kick me out. This society is everything to me.

That's right. Top of the line. Stupid pothole. Don't worry, head. The computer will do our thinking now.

I will-- Whoa! Whoo! Whoo! Ooh! Ow! Ow! Ow! At least there were no big ones. Ay.

Moochie-moochie!

What do I do? Engage her feelings, become a friend. Get her a LIFE Magazine from the week she was born. I'll always treasure mine. You're absolutely right! Stop this ride! You're the boss!

The spirit of Cesar Chavez. Why do you look like Cesar Romero? Because you don't know what Cesar Chavez looks like. Why are you here? To tell you not to give up. Oh, but I wanna. He's talking to himself, sir. And his smell is distracting the center fielder. Yeah. This is getting sad. Let's bring him in.

Get out of the way. I will always love you I Will always love you

This film will self-destruct... if not properly stored. We believe Burns still has that bill hidden somewhere in his house. But all we've ascertained from satellite photos is that it's not on the roof. We're hoping that as his trusted employee, you can help lead us to it.

Now while I wasn't able to cut everyone I wanted to, I have cut a lot of you. Wendell is cut. Rudy is cut. Janie, you're gone. Steven, I like your hustle. That's why it was so hard to cut you. Congratulations! The rest of you made the team.

I sure like the cut of your gibberish. (RAPIDLY INTERLOCKING DOODLIES, DIDDLIES)

Sayonara, suckers. Yea! The Simpsons are going to japan. Hey, watch the gong, jerk.

Glove slap Baby, glove slap Glove slap i don't take crap Glove slap shut your big yap

He should at least have the good taste to mince around... and let everyone know that he's... that way. What on earth are you talking about? You know me, Marge. I like my beer cold, my TV loud... and my homosexuals flaming!

We'll stay with my very best friend in the world, Lenny. Hey, Simpsons. That's Lenny? Oh, I wanted the black one!

Hey, isn't that Homer on the japanese Channel? If that's Homer, then who the hell's been puttin' beers on his tab? D'oh. Whoo-hoo. Uh-- That boy ain't right.

Walt Whitman? Damn you, Walt Whitman! I... hate... you, Walt... freakin'... Whitman! Leaves of Grass my ass! Wait a minute.

On one of my frequent trips to the ground-- I noticed Malloy wore sneakers...

So, you like doughnuts, eh? - Uh-huh. - Well, have all the doughnuts in the world!

Oh, yeah! It's breathtaking. Look. There's the Imperial Gardens. The Meiji Shrine. The Hello Kitty factory.

Agent Wesson, Department of Labor. This man's an illegal alien. That's preposterous. Zutroy here is as American as apple pie. Mr. Burns. This plant violates every labor law in the book.

How's the ice cream, kids?

Push out the jive. Bring in the love.

Scully, you're cut.

No, no. Dig up, stupid.

Yarr! I'm not attractive.

How many of you hail from the fair city of Edinburgh? So, have you noticed... how North Edinburgh golfers putt like this, and South Edinburgh golfers putt like this? Eh? Eh?

Stay away from me, Homer! Give me the bat, Marge. Give me the bat. Give me the bat. Come on. Give me the bat. Give me the bat, bat, ooh. Scaredy-cat.

It hasn't been this crowded since the government cracked down on you for accepting food stamps.

Uh-- See, uh-- To tell you the truth, I'm, uh-- I was just-- I'm just killing time here. I was waiting for a, well, a different-- different funeral to start. I'll handle it. Bob Newhart, everybody!

The star of The Blue Lagoon and me, the blue-haired goon! What the-- That's terrible! Cartoons have the power to make us laugh and to make us cry. Wouldn't you agree, Krusty? First of all, my hair is green, not blue. I got nothin' to work with here.

Nice work, boys. We can close the book on every unsolved crime in our fair city. Don't I get to call my lawyer? You watch too many movies, Sax.

Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God! I'm sorry! I'm so sorry! Sorry doesn't put thumbs on the hand, Marge! Well, calm down. If we hurry, they can reattach your thumb. Reattach a thumb? This isn't Gattaca! We've just gotta get your thumb to the--

Now quickly! Gaze down at God's fabulous parquet floor. Eyes on the floor. Still on the floor. Oh, my ass! Always on God's floor. Hang on, Homie! I'm gonna try to set her down! Thank you.

What the hell was that?

I gave my love A chicken it had no bone Mmm, chicken. So then, "mono" means "one," and "rail" means "rail."

Homer, do you want your son to become chief justice of the Supreme Court... or a sleazy male stripper? Can't he be both, like the late Earl Warren? Earl Warren wasn't a stripper. Now who's being naive?

Ahem. I don't want any part of this project. It's unconscionably fiendish. I will not suffer your insubordination. There's been a shocking decline in the quality and quantity of your toadying, Waylon, and you will fall into line now! No. No, Monty, I won't. Not until you step back from the brink of insanity.

Now, you each have a knob in front of you. When you like what you see, turn the knob to the right. When you don't like what you see, turn it left. My knob tastes funny.

Hey, hey. Officers, you have arrested an innocent man. Really? Oh, geez. All right, Colossus, you're free to go. But stay away from Death Mountain. But all my stuff is there. I was referring to Waylon Smithers.

Bart, you've got to go on. Slag off. You've changed, man. It used to be about the music. I said slag off!

Sorry. We're not allowed to read newspapers. They angry up the blood. You! The troublemaking girl.

Ay, ay, es Homer Simpson. Me ha molestado. ¡Oh! Oh. I like it better when they're making fun of people who aren't me. I know. Evening at the improv. They never talk about anything beyond the 1980s.

Thirsting for a way to name the unnameable, to express the inexpressible. Tell me more.

She was looking at Nelson! Lisa likes Nelson! She does not! Milhouse likes Lisa! He does not! janie likes Milhouse! She does not! Uter likes Milhouse! Nobody likes Milhouse! Lisa, you've got detention.

Ladies and gentlemen, Krusty the Clown is dead.

Put on your virtual reality helmets. Mmm, excellent. Hello, Lisa. I'm Genghis Khan. You'll go where I go, defile what I defile, eat who I eat. Hmm?

No offense, Apu, but when they were handing out religions, you must've been out taking a whiz.

for your lenient stance on crime. But suppose for a second that your house was ransacked by thugs, your family tied up in the basement with socks in their mouths! You try to open the door, but there's too much blood on the knob-- What is your, uh, question? My question's about the budget, sir.

Thank you. Get out. Next. Uh, Ralphie, get off the stage, sweetheart. Behold-- The power plant of the future...

Uh, Homer, there's a hidden message to this song... that you may have missed. Really listen. Bunk with me tonight Uh-huh. Bunk with me Tonight Right.

When a man loves his country Like Krusty loves America Krusty the Clown-- "The Man From Funny." I've brought laughter to your homes... three days a week, 18 weeks a year, for 12 of the past 25 years.

Here we are. - You didn't have to drop me off. - But I wanted to. Marge, do you know how beautiful you look in the moonlight ? Oh, jacques. I'm a married woman. I know. I know. My mind says, "Stop," but my heart... and my hips cry, "Proceed."

Now, the key to great dancing is one word: tappa-tappa-tappa. Tappa-tappa-tappa. Teacher, my shoes are making noise. You must be Ralph. My daddy shoots people.

Where am I gonna get 50 bucks ? Pizza !

"Yello." Marge, please. Who's this ? May I please speak to Marge ? This is her sister, isn't it ? Is Marge there ? Who shall I say is calling ? Marge, please. It's your sister. Oh ! Hello. Hello, Marge. It's Patty.

No, no, Reverend. The point is he said a bad word. Oh. Oh, right. Well, kids usually pick these things up from someplace. Find out who's doing it and direct them to the Bible. Where in the Bible? Uh... page 900. But, Reverend... Damn Flanders.

Fire! What do I do? What do I do? Oh, the song, the song. When A fire starts to burn there's A lesson you must learn Something something then you'll see you'll avoid catastrophe D'oh!

Hey, look. Sergeant Dork! Ha-ha! Enjoy your test. Ha-ha-- Aw.

Don't panic. just come up with a good story. My name is Mr. Burns. D'oh! We need a cure! We need a cure!

The economic slump began last spring, when the government closed Fort Springfield, devastating the city's liquor and prostitution industries. Now, at the risk of being unpopular, this reporter places the blame for all this squarely on you, the viewers.

where the smiles are free, don't you know, Sven Inqvist studied the menu. Finally, he ordered the same thing he has every day. Maybe it's the TV. Stupid TV. Be more funny!

How often do you brush, Ralph? Three times a day, sir. Why must you turn my office into a house of lies? You're right! I don't brush! I don't brush.

Their relationship was frosty at best.

That's not funny, Homer! Yeah!

All right, stick it to the man.

At least have the guts to take the blame, girl. You're only compounding your folly by lying about it. Right on! Young lady, cow hearts belong in a butcher's window, not the classroom. Well, maybe in an older student's biology classroom, but that's none of my business.

Lisa, it's time you learned the truth about men. They're pigs? The bitterness is strong in this one.

Stan Lee insulted me. But in Bizarro World that means he likes me.

Spring break! Yeah!

Hi, kids. I love-- Aaah! Aaah!

I could walk up to the president and blow smoke in his stupid monkey face, and he'd just have to sit there groovin' on it.

Hey, Homer, ain't that your kid on TV? What are you lookin' at? "What are you looking at?" The innocent words of a drunken child.

Say your prayers, Simpson. Because the schools can't force you like they should.

Yo, boy, this class is tight. You go from "sloppa" to "proppa." Cool. Welcome to my etiquette class: The Proper Young Man. But the black man said-- Are you accusing my husband of misleading you? Good gracious! I should bust a cap in your ass!

I'm sorry, Lisa, but giving everyone an equal part... when they're clearly not equal is called what again, class? Communism! That's right.

(YELLING) You'll fry up nice tonight!

And by the way, that story I filed from Baghdad was all made up. I was actually in Basra. (GROANING) Everyone chickened out. Except Ralph. He got poached by the Chicago Tribune. I guess we're down to just me.

It's a spearhead! That's your trowel blade, Ralph. It fell off the handle. And I found it! Okay, everyone, back to work! You never know when we might uncover a Tyrannosaurus.

Oh! Ow, my leg!

Freedom! Bloodshed!

"All you can eat." Ha! Mr. Simpson, this is the most blatant case of fraudulent advertising... since my suit against the film The Neverending Story. So, do you think I have a case?

Products you could only imagine before-- the s.s. Microwave. Ah, my crÊpes are done. The Doggie Doorman. Good evening, Rex.

Flanders, what's your birthday? Oh, leave me out of this, Homer. Games of chance are strictly forbidden by Deuteronomy 7. Seven, eh? Seven a winner. Way to go, Flanders. The Bible's finally pulling its weight. Got any more holy numbers?

I just wish jasper johns hadn't stolen my boat. Aah! So long, suckers!

This contest is over. Give that man the $10,000. This isn't America's Funniest Home Videos. But the ball-- his groin-- It works at so many levels. Roll it again.

They won't even let her park cars! Please, children. Don't be cruel. Nelson might be poor but I'm sure he has the seven dollars for today's field trip. Um... Well, actually... (BRAKES SQUEAL) (CHILDREN LAUGHING) (SOBBING) Someday...

This year I am ready for him. Hello, Chief. Afternoon, Homer. Care for some chili? I've added an extra ingredient just for you.

Shut up ! I'm over as far as I can go. All right ! All right ! I'll walk in the mud ! - Homer ? - Marge ? Yeah. You want a ride ? Sure.

When I went to pick him up, Mom was trying to stab him with a hat pin. Shh! You make me feel you make me feel like A natural woman

Thanks for your help with the anchor, guys. Guys? That pig looks like Lenny. Hey! Mmm! That's the next best thing to eating Lenny.

Wait a minute, you little cheater. You're not going anywhere until you tell me what a "kwyjibo" is. "Kwyjibo." Uh-- A big, dumb, balding, North American ape with no chin.

Fort Springfield, we surrender unconditionally. We're sick. We need leeches... and hacksaws to saw off our gangrenous limbs. But the Springfield Brigade was too brave to accept the surrender. Come on, boys. Those white flags are no match for our muskets. - Charge! - And the Springfielders...

Hello! Itchy and Scratchy Land, open for business. Who are you to resist it, huh? Come on. My last paycheck bounced. My children need wine.

In the business we call it "retirony." What if you don't get shot? What a terrible thing to say. Now, look. You made my wife cry.

Mr. Smithers! Mr Smithers! I found another hurt shrew. I think this one has a twisted ankle. Twisted-- Aren't there any healthy animals in this forest?

The TV! The TV!

Oh, my God! Do something, Mesmerino. Uh, yes. Yes. Um-- Oh, that's better.

I'm worried Homer might do the same thing. What would make a husband lose interest like that? What I do now I do as your dearest friend. Look at this flab! Look at it! - Oh, my God! Is that me? - Most assuredly, yes.

I guess I'll have no trouble gettin' to sleep tonight.

And now our parody of Mad About You entitled...

Oh, there's Krusty the Clown. Krusty! Krusty, say something funny. Oh, gee, a joke, huh? Um... uh... funny... Okay, this guy walks into a bar... and takes out a tiny piano and a 12-inch pianist... Oh, no, wait. I can't tell that one.

but I will not stand idly by and watch you feed a hungry dog! Go to your room! No! This family stinks! Mr. Burns nurtures my destructive side. I'm suffocating here. Bart, you listen! Oh, go eat some flowers! My secret shame.

Wow, George Washington! Take that, Washington! Eat lead, Einstein. - Oy! - Show's over, Shakespeare! Is this the end of zombie Shakespeare?

Ow, ow, ow. Seymour, I was thinking of promoting you to assistant superintendent. But, instead, that plum goes to Holloway. No. But, sir, he's a drunk. And a pill-Popper. If I could just-- Silence! And why is a cafeteria worker posing as a nurse?

Why, oh, why Delilah It's 11 K-BBL degrees below zero.

Lisa, are you doing math? Uh, just a few Venn diagrams.

You've clearly taken items from the candy rack and placed them... on top of the doughnut in an attempt to pass them off as sprinkles. Well, it was like that when I got here. It really was! A Mounds bar is not a sprinkle. A Twizzler is not a sprinkle. A jolly Rancher is not a sprinkle, sir. Perhaps in Shangri-la they are, but not here. Oh.

You've just got to turn that frown upside down. That's a smile, not an upside-down frown. Work on that too.

Mom, I don't wanna read. It's the weekend. (GROANS) I've had enough. I'm leaving. (GRUNTS) (SQUEAKING) Oh, I'm stuck! Why did I eat that apple segment?

Oh, my goodness, Homer. Wake up. Oh, look at this place. Hoo. We must have really painted the town last night. I have a pounding headache, my mouth tastes like vomit, and I don't remember a thing. Welcome to my world.

I'm becoming radioactive. From this day forward, I shall call myself Radioactive Man ! So that's how it happened. I would've thought... being hit by an atomic bomb would've killed him. Now you know better. Turn the page, Bart.

That can't change the future, right? Right? I dunno. Whew! I'm back.

Then we'll see who's worried about five-day waiting periods. Dad, it's 3:00 a.m.! Can't you mutter in your room? Marge kicked me out. All right. Go ahead. Pushy kids think they can tell me what to do in my house.

Oh, why am I bothering? It's hopeless. Hi, kids. It's me, Gabbo!

What's the scoop, milk shakes? I got me a date with Zelda, so I need the car. Oh, no. I'm not giving you my car. You'd probably drive it. You don't trust your old man? You ungrateful milk shake.

But I've been Dr. Tad Winslow for 25 years. It's time I got a raise! Oh, shut up, you windy old hack. And another thing, you have to stop calling me that.

Hot diggety damn! That's good enough for me.

- What a shame. Out of gas. - Hmm. Hmm. - Don't be stupid. - Oh, uh, sorry.

Well, don't you worry, darlin'. I got some baby cuffs in the station. Look. This is our chance. Let's go! You can't drive, Dad. He's got your license. I'm gonna try anyway. It worked! It's a miracle!

Sorry. I'm just frustrated. Well, you'll never save Grandpa's farm with that attitude. You've just got to turn that frown upside down. That's a smile, not an upside-down frown. Work on that too.

I don't understand. That wasn't funny. Wait a minute. Somebody's not laughing here. It's him. Hey. Don't blame me. This movie is tired and predictable. You know she's gonna wind up marrying Richard Gere.

Big game fever is reaching a fevered pitch... as the fevered rivalry between Springfield U and Springfield A&M spreads like wild fever--

S.0.S. Avalanche. Send help.

You pigs! Oh, no! Bette Midler!

He's not the Baron. But he sounds drunk. Take him in. Are you the Beer Baron? Yes, but only by night. By day, I'm a mild-mannered reporter for a major metropolitan newspaper. Don't crack wise with me, tubby. Tubby? Oh, yes, tubby.

No, not at all. In fact, one of my guilty little pleasures... is to snuggle up with a big bucket of buttered popcorn, dim the lights, turn on itchy & Scratchy and laugh myself silly. And what the hell is wrong with that ? Not a thing. Now, for another opinion.

All that unnecessary behaving. I'm all tense through the "chestal" area. I need relief.

Oh, the Simpsons. Well, they're not getting back in here. Ohh.

Release the dogs. Gee, they look pretty mad. Yeah, I've been starvin' 'em, teasin' 'em, singing off-key.

Bart! How many times have I told you not to bite your sist-- Wait a minute! You are a vampire! Quick! We have to kill the boy! How'd you know he's a vampire? He's a vampire? Aaah!

because tonight we present The Simpsons Spin-Off Showcase.

Arr! Here be a fine vessel, the yarest river-goin' boat there be. I'll take it. Arr. I don't know what I'm doin'.

Oh, hurry up. I'm a busy man. This high-speed modem is intolerably slow. Hey. What the-- Huh. The internet King. i wonder if he can provide faster nudity.

Get ready, everybody. He's about to do something stupid.

Your son was trespassing on my property... and destroyed a very valuable stone gargoyle and-- Are you wearing a grocery bag? I have misplaced my pants.

Lanley hired me to build his monorail. He cut corners everywhere-- bad wiring, faulty brakes. And the celebrity on the maiden voyage was Gallagher. This is all that's left... of one of the crappiest trains ever built.

I don't know! This is a nightmare! You're all sick! Oh, be nice! Oh! My son doesn't stand a chance! The whole world's gone gay! Oh, my God! What's happening now?

Hey ! Wha-- Come on, you stupid tube !

Just when I was getting over my Chester A. Arthritis. Did-- You had arthritis? Um, no.

Surprise! Surprise. Marge, will you marry me? Why? Am I pregnant?

If you're happy and you know it shop at Stan's Giant discounts on your favorite major brands Attention, shoppers. The mall is now closed.

I have every right to be on that jury, even though I got there because I'm sleeping with the head of the festival. How many times have I heard Rex Reed say that? Oh, great. Now you're gonna make fun of me. No, Homer, I won't make fun.

Then came the big day. Fluffy and Fuzzy got married. That night came the honeymoon. Eww! She's faking it. The most satisfying part was knowing that they waited.

Chugalug, chugalug, chugalug. Chugalug, chugalug, chugalug, chugalug, chugalug.

We got a great big convoy Rocking through the night We got a great big convoy Ain't she a beautiful sight? Convoy Quit it, Dad!

"Don't do what Donny Don't does." They could've made this clearer. Oh! They won't let you have any fun. Well! If it isn't the leader of the wiener patrol...

I know you. Your little smart-mouthed boy cost this town the Olympics. Who is it, Mother? Bart Simpson's father. Oh. I'll be right down. Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!

Apu, come here a moment! This better be good, because you are interrupting my faithfulness. Oh, boy. I took the tape out of the store's surveillance camera. Look. Oh, Apu, scratch and win! Mmm, that's good adultery!

No, no, no, no, no! Ay. ¿DÓnde estÁ mi tequila?

Jingle bell, jingle bell jingle bell

Sharing is a bunch of bull too. And helping others. And what's all this crap I've been hearing about tolerance? Hmm. Your ideas are intriguing to me, and I wish to subscribe to your newsletter.

- Ann Landers is a boring old biddy. - Ned! I was more animal than man! My name is Otto. I love to get blotto. My name is Hans. Drinking has ruined my life. I'm 31 years old.

Mmm, beer. What?

Homer! Homer! Homer! Homer! just try to remain inconspicuous. What's he saying? Uh, he's saying, uh, we wouldn't dream of sacrificing the blue-haired woman. Oh, well, isn't that-- Whoa! Mm-hmm.

Huh. Hey, maybe this is a sign. Maybe it's time for me to get out of the alcohol business-- give barber college another try. And this time, I won't join a frat. Who the hell am I talking to? You know, all this walking is paying off.

I got a plastic Krusty-saurus. Hmm. A mosquito? How'd that get in there? Laziness is counterrevolutionary.

Hey, there, Kirk. Oh, boy! What's going on? Patio party? Nah. A possum drowned in the pool. You have any garbage bags? Ah, just throw it over the fence. Let Arby's worry about it. That's jerry. He's a major player down at the sewing store.

Sign our petition!

- Simpson! - S h h _

Usurper! Usurper! Usurper! Don't mess with me! I've got jimmies! I can only see a horrible rainbow!

This is the biggest farce I ever saw. What about the Emmys? I stand corrected.

Oh-- What was I laughing at now?

President Bush is driving on our lawn. - He must be lost. - He's not lost. Looks like we're experiencing some blowback from the wig offensive. - It's time to hit him where he lives. - His house? Bingo.

It's no mirage So sing it again Yvan eht nioj Yvan eht nioj

But, Mom, I read that sport utility vehicles... are more likely to be involved in fatal accidents. Fatal to the people in the other car. Let's roll.

Gavin, don't you already have this game?

Do you feel Like we do Man, that guy's guitar is talkin'! Hey, my shoes are talkin' too! Don't worry.

Mmm. Milhouse, you're next. Uh, I have a horsie. Wuss!

It's a beautiful day to kick your ass! You die now!

Heh. Hey. Ooh. Look out. Yeah. How does he do it, Smithers ? He's a love machine, sir. Da, da, da Way to go, Dad.

Lovely to Love Your Lovin', and Simpsons Christmas Boogie went mega-platinum and swept the Grammys. Right. And the award for Best Hard-core Thrash Metal goes to... Simpsons Christmas Boogie? Simpsons Christmas Boogie

Whoo! Whoo! Ee-eew. Lisa, the blob has got me! Don't touch me, or it'll get you too! Dad, you have to put chlorine in the water every day to keep it clean. Chlorine, eh?

f Lisa's Voice f

We just created the greatest democracy on Earth, you lowlife commoner.

Oh, God! I'm such a fool. Got a light?

"You will find happiness with a new love." Oh, even the Chinese are against me. What's the point? I can't fight fate. Hey, we're out of these "new love" cookies. Well, open up the "stick with your wife" barrel.

Don't do it! Don't do it! You'll kill everyone! ...do it! ...do it! ...kill everyone!

Howdily-do-- - Greetings, friend-- - Dang! I told you to unplug the phone. But it could be my mother. Howdy-- Shoot! Greetings, friend-- That is it, Ned. If you don't unplug that phone right now, you're sleeping on the lawn. Will you two shut up? People are trying to sleep!

It sounds like fun.

I don't care. His mom doesn't care. Do any of you care?

That guy cheapens our whole profession. What do you think of him, Internet Comic?

State schools got their share too. Here, lottery officials present Springfield Elementary with a brand-new eraser. One eraser? I'm used to my government betraying me. I was in 'Nam. I served for-- And speaking of lotteries here are the winning numbers for this week's $40,000 jackpot.

After them, men, into the temporarily dry sea. Aw, nuts.

Seasons don't fear the reaper Nor do the wind the sun or the rain We can be like they are Come on, baby Don't fear the reaper Baby, take my hand Shh! Cobras!

All right. Here you go. Red Tick Beer. Hmm. Bold, refreshing... and something I can't quite put my finger on. Hmm. Needs more dog.

Guess what, Lurleen. I got you a gig on TV. Oh, Homer, you're as smart as you are handsome.

What a crappy candle.

I'm gonna fight this thing. Oh, please don't. For me? Sorry, Marge. This is my quest. I'm like that guy, that Spanish guy. - You know, he fought the windmills. - Don Quixote? No, that's not it. What's his name? "The Man of La Mancha." - Don Quixote. - No! I really think that was the character's name-- Don Quixote.

I've killed a baby. I'm a monster. (GROWLS) I can't take anymore. Ned, there's more to the Bible than blood and gore. Oh, I guess you'd rather see a film about a liberal European wizard school or the latest sexcapade of Miss Ashley Judd.

Your plant has been taken over by an all-star team of freelance terrorists.

So, you like doughnuts, eh? - Uh-huh. - Well, have all the doughnuts in the world!

I hear those things are awfully loud it glides As softly As A cloud is there A chance the track could bend not on your life my Hindu friend what about us brain-dead slobs you'll be given cushy Jobs were you sent here by the devil no, good Sir I'm on the level the ring Came off my pudding can take my pen knife my good man

"You will not see me again until I am a man." Oh, Homer... Homer! We're all in shock. I thought he'd tWo-time you for a while first.

Homer, sign this application and you're a Shoo-in. That dog has somebody's ham! This I gotta see! Give me that ham, you stupid dog!

So? We already heard the Dum, dum, dum, dum The rest is just filler. I thought this was gonna be the soundtrack to the movie Beethoven. Was I sadly mistaken. It sounds better on my cell phone. (BEETHOVEN'S FIFTH SYMPHONY PLAYING) Don't leave now! The next piece is an atonal medley by Philip Glass.

- Governors Island. - Look! It's ZZ Top! You guys rock! Eh, maybe a little.

Who are we? The Wildcats! Who are we gonna beat? The Wildcats!

I just couldn't cut it today. All I wanted was a little version of me... that I could hold in my arms. Oh, jub jub. When I went to pick him up, Mom was trying to stab him with a hat pin.

A-B-C-- Uh, line? "D." D-E-- Um, line? "F," Bart. And believe me, you'll be seeing plenty of 'em. Bart, would you like to read a book? No.

I didn't do it.

Oh, it doesn't make any sense to me. Of course not. You're a robot.

Sorry, Lise. I no longer control the hand. The hand controls me! Dad! Shut up, you little monsters! Hello, I was wondering if you'd like to babysit my little angels.

Nothin' beats the hobo life Stabbin' folks with my hobo knife I gouge them-- Excuse me, Hobo. Can you play something a little less unnerving?

"Beer goggles. See the world through the eyes of a drunk!" Wow! You're charming the pants off of me. What did you say, Aunt Selma?

Shake, shake, shake shake, shake, shake shake your booty shake your booty oh, shake, shake, shake shake, shake, shake shake your booty shake your booty

Ah, this'll never work. I love you, Marjorie. Oh, Homer. I love you too. Mmmwha !

Why do you need new bands? Everyone knows rock attained perfection in 1974. It's a scientific fact.

"...inefficiently mining uranium that could be purchased quite cheaply on the foreign markets, "uh, the long-term benefits more than offsetting the one-time cost... "for a net savings of f-five thousand, two, uh, hundred and--" Oh, lots of money.

who needs the kwik-e-mart

And the next 20 callers will get this album of museum noises. Now your music room can sound... just like the Metropolitan Museum in New York. Outstanding. Why are you torturing me? I'm just a man! You know, I've worked with so many legendary actors over the years...

Go ahead, shock me. Well, just a little one. Homer, it-it's stuck.

Thank you for coming. I'll see you in hell.

Found 'em! You kids are in big trouble, running away from home like this!

Ivana Tinkle. Ivana Tinkle!

Boo! Oh, boo yourself.

Well, there doesn't seem to be any pattern yet, but if I take this one and move it here... and I move these over here-- Hello! It almost looks like an arrow. Hey, look, Chief! It's pointing right at this police station. Let's get out of here!

Oh, come on, Luann. You know what this is. Kirk, I don't know what it is. Oy! It could not be more simple, Luann. Do you want me to show this to the cat and have the cat tell you what it is? 'Cause the cat's gonna get it. I'm sorry. I'm not as smart as you, Kirk. We didn't all go to Gudger College.

In fact, when you're up there "blah, blah, blah-ing," I'm usually doodling or mentally undressing the female parishioners. Well, anyhoo, can I have $40,000?

Yeah, good. That raccoon stole my lamb chop!

Mom, you wouldn't dare. Don't take that tone with me, young lady, or I'll give you a taste of the back of me hand. No, you don't.

I regret nothing!

shake your booty ow, if you Can you can do it very well you're the best in the world I can tell

Compadres, it is imperative that we crush the freedom fighters... before the start of the rainy season. And remember, a shiny new donkey... for whoever brings me the head of Colonel Montoya. Hmm? What? Oh. And by that I mean, of course, it's time for the Worker of the Week Award.

I'm worried about the kids, Homie. Lisa's becoming very obsessive. This morning, I caught her trying to dissect her own raincoat. I know. And this perpetual motion machine she made today is a joke. It just keeps going faster and faster. And Bart isn't doing very well either.

I'll see what else is on. Hey, where's the remote? Hello? Hello? Stupid cordless phone. I'll try the old-fashioned model. Ah! That's better. How you doin', Gertie? And now our parody of Mad About You entitled...

and I'd be ever so sad if she should die. Well, I'm no animal doctor or nothin', but whenever I'm feelin' poorly, you know what fixes me up? Dancin'. Dancin'? Dancin'. But I don't know how to dance. Oh, I'll show you how.

That's the end of your loony tune, Drugs Bunny.

Forget it, Homer. While it has been established that eggs contain cholesterol, it has not yet been proven conclusively... that they actually raise the level of serum cholesterol in the human bloodstream. So one of those Egg Council creeps got to you too, huh? You got it all wrong, Homer. It's not like that. You'd better run, egg.

Yet in the very next scene, my dear, you're clearly atop a winged Arabian. Please to explain it. Ah. Yeah. Well, whenever you notice something like that, a wizard did it. I see. All right. Yes. But in Episode AG4-- Wizard. Ah, for glavin out loud.

Don't worry, Homer. You'll always be a part of me. D'oh!

You're not doing this fast enough! You're fired, too! I'm... No! (SOBBING)

I hit it! I hit it! My cans. My precious, antique cans. Aw, look what you done to 'em. Well, it's getting late. Maybe we should call it a night.

can't buy me love oh

Yeah, I seen her. Uh, that is to say, I saw her.

Hello, chief. Let's talk. Why not? Uh, hello? Why am I Mr. Sparkle? Oh, you like Mr. Sparkle? Well, I am Mr. Sparkle. Oh, you have many question Mr. Sparkle. - I send you premium. Answer question 100%. - Hmm!

So it's like D.N.A. Um, a hatchet? You had a turn. I want to guess. - Oh, geez. - My car! Puma Pride! Puma Pride!

Moe, Moe, Moe How do you like me How do you like me Moe, Moe, Moe Why don't you like me Nobody likes me Eh, we can spend another week at the ranch.

Now, Marge, you can't blame all of Bart's problems on your one little speech. If anything turned him bad, it's that time... you let him wear a bathing suit instead of underwear. And let's not forget your little speech.

Uh, technically no, but--- I'm smarter than the devil! I'm smarter than the dev-- You are not smarter than me! I'll see you in hell yet, Homer Simpson! Not likely.

Uh, there are no other balls. just these, uh, reptile eggs! Oh, step away! They're endangered. These aren't reptile eggs. You've been cheating! No matter where Mr. Burns hits the ball, you put a fresh one on the green! Cheating? For me?

Prayer. The last refuge of a scoundrel. A teachers' strike, a power failure, a blizzard. Anything that'll cancel school tomorrow. I know it's asking a lot, but if anyone can do it, You can. Thanking You in advance, Your pal, Bart Simpson.

Free Duff? Viva life! Mm. Uhh--

He's nothing like your old dog. Santa's Little Helper? Guess I was the only one who loved him. You got that right! Remember the time he ate my goldfish, and you lied to me and said I never had any goldfish? But why did I have the bowl, Bart? Why did I have the bowl?

Hey, fatty! I got a movie for ya. A Fridge Too Far.

Pull over, you maniac. No! Just jump over there, Alec. It's not that far. Yeah, you're a big screen tough guy. Uh, gee, I'd love to, but I'm not really wearing the right shoes.

Oh! Now we'll never catch 'em! I reckon we're safe now. There's the state line. Uh-oh! Rapids!

Arnie Pie in the Sky with the morning commute. Traffic this morning is as bad as it gets. Due to a fire at the army testing lab, a bunch of escaped, infected monkeys are roaming the expressway. Despite the sweltering heat, don't unroll your windows, 'cause those monkeys seem confused and irritable.

He is quite a charmer. Your father's certainly taken a shine to him. Oh! Homer, you are the living end. Oh! That john is the greatest guy in the world.

Alone! I'm alone!

That is a false analogy. No, it's not. It's apt. Apt!

Nice work, boys. We can close the book on every unsolved crime in our fair city. Don't I get to call my lawyer? You watch too many movies, Sax.

Hey, that's my Madonna gag. That guy stole my gag.

Our current speed limit is an anachronism. - "Ignoramus." - The fatuity-- Will you shut up ? - Wait a minute. That word you keep calling me-- - Ignoramus ? Ignoramus ! It means I'm stupid, doesn't it ? There is a difference between ignorance and stupidity. Not to me there isn't, Homer ! you ignoramus. You're the ignoramus.

No. Homework's not my father's specialty. There's no shame in it. My dad-- Not mine. You didn't let me finish. Unless the next word was "burp," you didn't have to.

By the way, Homer, what's your least favorite country? Italy or France? France. Nobody ever says Italy.

Fine! All right. Now, who can pick out the predicate in this sentence? What's wrong with him now, Bart? Night terrors, ma'am. Cobras!

That barkeep's a no-good cheat! Cheat? Eh-- All right. We've all got derringers. Now let's just put 'em away. Nobody here is a cheat. Cheat? Aw, geez.

Aah ! Mr. Burns wants you to march into his office right now. Uh-oh. Ah, Simpson. At last we meet. It's, uh, nice to meet you too, sir. Yes. My attorneys have advised me to pay you... for running over your child, so I'm cutting you a check. Really ? Great !

J You’re a sundae underneath two great big cherriesJ J Keep in mind they're only temporariesJ J Still, we'd like to say that we are very, veryJ J Glad to see you J J And I decree you J J The hottest thing to hit this city since the fire that killed 11 J

Well, there's nothing scarier than having to go to school.

Back to the wing. Back to the center. Center holds it. Holds it. Holds it.

And it's heading for a great big lawsuit.

I'm a level-five vegan. I won't eat anything that casts a shadow.

Springfield's beloved Plow King... is trapped. Barney Gumble, shown here donating... $50,000 to the Shelbyville Dance Theater, was caught in a sudden avalanche on Widow's Peak earlier today. It was captured on film by a camera crew making the upcoming Fox special, In Search of Bigfoot.

Oh, my Lord! Oh, isn't that cute. A baby driving a car.

Yeesh! This house stinks! You're not just putting the new newspapers over the old ones, are you? Do you have a better idea?

Mmm, mmm. So, to summarize: Say what you want about me. I can take the slings and arrows. But stop slandering poor, defenseless Blinky. Good night and God bless.

Hi, Lisa. Hi, Super Nintendo Chalmers. I'm "learnding." Aw, way to go, Ralph.

Oh! I thought the Generals were due!

Animals are crapping in our houses, and we're picking it up. Did we lose a war? That's not America. That's not even Mexico!

Thank you, Lord. Once I kill you, everyone will think I'm the real Homer.

expecting a certain level of professionalism. But-But you don't understand-- I ate too much plastic candy. Heavens to betsy. The star of the show is sick. Whatever will we do? There's only one person who can get us out of this pickle. Lisa? Yes? Help me into Ralph's costume.

Home of pirates drunks and whores New Orleans Tacky, overpriced souvenir stores If you wanna go to hell you should take that trip To the Sodom and Gomorrah on the "Mississip" New Orleans Stinking, rotten "vomity" vile New Orleans Putrid, brackish maggoty, foul

Huh? - Bad news, Sheriff- - f Homer's Voice f Lisa Simpson. - Some Indians took all the- - f Homer's Voice] McNuggets. Mmm, McNuggets. f Sia vering f i ii get those no-good indians. .. - fast as sure as my favorite book is- - f Homer's Voice] Magazines.

The overweight individuals in this country... are just as smart and talented and hardworking as everybody else. And they're gonna make their voices heard. All they need is a leader! I'll work harder than ever before... and show the world overweight people aren't undisciplined, lazy and irresponsible.

You're off the case, McGonigle. You're off your case, Chief. What does that mean exactly? It means he gets results, you stupid chief! Dad, sit down. Oh, I'm sorry.

Kids, your father and I are going through a really tough time right now, and I don't know what's going to happen. But just remember that both your mom and your dad love you very, very much. Wow, I've never seen Mom so mad at Homer before.

I was saying Boo-urns.

The Court of infernal Affairs is now in session. Very well. But first, some ground rules. Number one: We get bathroom breaks every half hour. Agreed. Number two: The jury will be chosen by me. Agreed. No, wait! Silence! I give you the jury of the damned!

If you don't mind, we're trying to watch the mov-- Hey, Vern. Help me get my head out of this toilet. Oh, really now, that's too much.

Dear Marge, thanks for the fab painting of yours truly. I hung it on me wall. You're quite an artist. In answer to your question, yes, we do have hamburgers and fries in England. But we call French fries "chips." Love, Ringo. P.S. Forgive the lateness of my reply.

Hello. I'm Leonard Nimoy. The following tale of alien encounters is true. And by true, I mean false. It's all lies. But they're entertaining lies. And in the end, isn't that the real truth? The answer is no.

Canada's governors general: "Clowns love haircuts. So should Lee Marvin’s valet." Get out!

Hello. I'm Troy McClure. You might remember me from such show business funerals... as "Andre the Giant, We Hardly Knew Ye," and "Shemp Howard: Today We Mourn a Stooge."

Has the weight loss tape reduced your appetite? Lamentably, no. My gastronomic rapacity knows no satiety.

Oh, come on! He's history's greatest monster!

Hmm? I told you this was a bad idea. All right, all right! I'll get rid of the trampoline.

Wendell is cut. Rudy is cut. Janie, you're gone. Steven, I like your hustle. That's why it was so hard to cut you. Congratulations! The rest of you made the team. Except you, you and you.

Oh, Maggie, you're a Simpson again.

Well, I, uh... You see, the truth is... I never had one. No Bar Mitzvah? In the eyes of God and the Springfield Jewish Walk of Fame Committee, you are not a Jewish man! Now see here! Do you know how much I donate to the B'nai B'rith? Actually, I do.

What the-- It burns! I can't see! Stay calm, kids. I need you to be my eyes.

What are you lookin' at? "What are you looking at?" The innocent words of a drunken child. Well, I'll tell you what we're looking at, young man. A town gone mad!

Okay, search party, before we set out, let's take a moment to humor the children. Kids, your father's gonna be just fine. Okay, everybody, put on your corpse-handling gloves. We've got two frozen bodies buried somewhere in this mountain. Did you hear that, Lise? Dad's gonna be just fine.

Don't thank me. Thank the moon's gravitational pull.

But what should I do? Should I meditate? Should I get rid of all my possessions? Are you kiddin'? If anything, you should get more possessions. You don't even have a computer. You know, I have been meaning to take a spiritual journey. And I was-- was--

Ah. Homer J. Simpson, you're a genius. I know you like clowns, so I made you this bed.

Oh, Lisa, it's normal to be sad when a friend dies, and Bleeding Gums was a good friend to you. But nobody is really gone as long as we remember them. Lisa, honey, if you really want to preserve his memory, I recommend getting a tattoo. It preserves the things you love. "Starland Vocal Band"? They suck!

f Bird Shheks f

I don't know. Guilt? Volunteering is for suckers. Do you know that so-called volunteers don't even get paid? Well, I think volunteering is great.

Dad? Pie Man is not your father, little girl. I murdered your father.

Oh, such responsibility for such a little girl. What's your favorite subject ? Arithmetic. Arithmetic. Now, before you know it, you will be back among your polygons, your hypotenuse... and your Euclidean algorithms.

Hey. We just got away with murder. And it was so easy! You know, I've never liked that little wiener Milhouse.

- Be careful. - Homer ! Homer ! Homer !

Wow! Mister Flanders is really into the Beatles.

Here's your host, Kent Brockman. Good evening. Did you know that 34 million american adults are obese? That excess blubber could fill two-fifths of the Grand Canyon. That may not sound impressive but keep in mind, it is a very big canyon.

The lemon tree's gone!

if I ever get ahold of you, I'll sink my teeth into your cheek and rip your face off ! You'll do what, young man ? What-What ? Wait. Who is this ? I think the real question is who is this and where is Homer Simpson ? Whoa, whoa. Sorry. Principal Skinner, sorry. It's a bad connection, I think. It's for you. I think Bart's in trouble again.

I'm really more of a chum. What about you, Lenny? I'm a crony. Carl? I'd say acquaintance. Colleague. Sympathizer. Compadre. Associate. Contemporary. I'm a well-wisher, in that I don't wish you any specific harm.

Yeah, well, you'd be grumpy too if you were taken out of your natural habitat... and gawked at by a bunch of slack-jawed yokels. Hey, Ma, look at that pointy-hairded little girl. You guys don't understand Stampy. He's just like me. We're a pair of jokers, and both of us are wild. We don't take nothing from nobody.

Wait! You forgot your bear-- a symbol of your lost youth and innocence! Oh, well. At least we still have his little brother, George. Ba ba ba bum Oh, the sun shines bright on my old Kentucky home Ba ba ba bum Trust me. It'll be funny when I'm an old man.

I shouldn't have shaken hands with those old people.

(SPEAKING HEBREW)

You know, most people don't know the difference... between apple cider and apple juice. But I do. Now, here's a little trick to help you remember. If it's clear and yella, you've got juice there, fella. If it's tangy and brown, you're in cider town. Now, there's two exceptions and it gets kind of-- Oh! You can stay, but I'm leaving.

And... action! Hold on! Cut! - Oh, for crying out loud! - Oh, man! Oh! Bart, if it's not too much trouble-- Fine. I'll do Teen Wolf 3. I've got fair-weather friends to feed. Dad, I want to go to bed. Aren't there child labor laws?

We're gathered to mourn the passing... of Herschel Schmoeckel Krustofski, beloved entertainer and dear friend. Hello. I'm Troy McClure. You might remember me from such show business funerals... as "Andre the Giant, We Hardly Knew Ye," and "Shemp Howard: Today We Mourn a Stooge."

And that was "Kung Fu Fighting." Say, speaking of one-trick ponies, whatever happened to that "I didn't do it" kid? Boy, did that get old fast. Whoa! You know, if you wanna last in this business, you gotta stay fresh.

Help! It's caving in! Oh! What's the problem, Seymour? Stuck? That's precisely the problem, and you know it. - Now, get me out of here! - What's that? You want the pee bucket on your head? No! You're twisting my words!

And if you really tick me off, I'm gonna run you down with my car. Yeah, uh-- Um-- Oh! Oh! Ned, you're so crazy.

Hi. I'm Troy McClure. You may remember me from such cartoons as... Christmas Ape and Christmas Ape Goes to Summer Camp.

Doughnut? What's a doughnut?

Well, my work is done here. What do you mean, your work is done? You didn't do anything. Didn't I?

One for Honk, please. Oh, gee. Uh, just a minute. I have to check with the manager. That overweight guy wants to see the movie. I'm terribly sorry, sir. I'm afraid our facilities are not equipped to meet your needs. What are you talking about? What I'm saying, sir, is that a man of your carriage...

Mr. Groening, will you autograph my Bender doll? Sure. I'm happy to give anyone my autograph anytime or anywhere. On the street, in a store or on my private property. But why be happy with just an autograph? What about an original sketch or snippet of my hair? And don't forget to pull my beard. They say it's good luck.

You too, Gracie music dude! Guh!

he crossed that line between everyday villainy and cartoonish super-villainy.

Lisa, wait! Being myself didn't work. Being someone else didn't work. Maybe I just wasn't meant to have friends.

Cool, man! I'm gonna be sucked into a black hole! I'm gonna be sucked into oblivion!

Well, Willy, you can take it from here. Adios, dude. You'll be back ! You haven't seen the last of Willy ! I don't see why all this is necessary. Come on, Patty. You don't wanna show up for your big date... looking like Yosemite Sam.

Hello! Hello! You have my pills! Hello? I'm cold, and there are wolves after me.

Good rice, good curry, good Gandhi, let's hurry. Mmm! This is delicious. - What's in it? - Chickpeas, lentils and rice. And what's in this? Chickpeas and lentils. Try it with rice.

Oh, no. I'm gonna go off the end of the-- D'oh!

You're letting me go? Kirk, crackers are a family food. Happy families. Maybe single people eat crackers. We don't know. Frankly, we don't want to know. It's a market we can do without. So that's it after 20 years-- so long, good luck? I don't recall saying "good luck."

No. No. No. I think we can do without the crack pipe. Oh, hi. As the Fox censor, it's my job to protect you from reality.

Hello! Itchy and Scratchy Land, open for business. Who are you to resist it, huh? Come on. My last paycheck bounced. My children need wine.

I feel... fine. You don't feel... angry? Absotively not-arinO! How do you feel about me? Pretty darn diddilly-doodilly good! The only problem with the treatment was that it worked too well.

Johnny Tightlips, where'd they hit you? I ain't sayin' nothin'. But what do I tell the doctor? Tell him to suck a lemon.

Must remove my breastplate. Maybe later.

It's about women, and how they are not mere objects with curves that make us crazy. No, they are our wives, they are our daughters, our sisters, our grandmas, our aunts, our nieces and nephews. Well, not our nephews. They are our mothers.

Prove me wrong, kids. Prove me wrong. I've never seen them fight like that. I'm worried that all this posturing... and saber rattling could lead to a teachers' strike. Strike, eh? Ow! My bones are so brittle.

Try the sauce. I'm soaked in it. Oh, I could lick you all day long! And yet my children think I'm a failure.

Good evening. Sorry, I had a really big dinner. Whoo! Dinner! But I'm sure one more french fry wouldn't hurt.

Man, I have really had it with you tree huggers. Tree huggers. - Something funny, nature boy? - No. I just thought it was cute when you called him-- All right, Max Power. Eddie, swab this joker's eyes with Mace. "swab"? I thought it was a spray. Okay. She's second. Hmm?

Don't worry. He's taken a million of these capsules.

Now! Now! How could I not become a radical... when we were fighting a force of pure evil?

Well, maybe in an older student's biology classroom, but that's none of my business. Elementary school is where I wound up, and it's too late to do anything about that. Frankly, I'm starting to regret skipping you ahead.

Mark! Mark! Mark! Mark! Pick me! My whole life has been leading to this moment. Like hell it has. If anybody's gonna play Obi, it's me. Step away, foolish amateurs. Just keep back. Keep out of it. The role is mine. With the acting and the groupies and the "Luke, Luke, save me"... with the light saber and the "vwing, vwing, vwing."

Exactly. D'oh! - Next! - ¡Excellente! Es muy bueno. Oh, it's hopeless. I'll have to play myself.

He paid me and Carl a thousand bucks to kiss each other. Hey, did we ever get that money? But reckless spending and interracial homoeroticism... were just volume one of The Encyclopedia Self-Destructica.

Well, Seymour, I made it-- despite your directions. Ah. Superintendent Chalmers. Welcome. I hope you're prepared for an unforgettable luncheon. Yeah.

Apu, I see you're not in church. Oh, but I am. I have a shrine to Ganesha, the god of worldly wisdom located in the employee lounge. Hey, Ganesha, want a peanut? Please do not offer my god a peanut. No offense, Apu, but when they were handing out religions, you must've been out taking a whiz. Mr. Simpson, please pay for your purchases and get out and come again.

Seen it. Seen it. I was poor like you--

Well, neither could your parents. That's why they brought you to me. Well, I'm afraid young Ned is unusually aggressive, but I can't seem to find a cause for it. Hey! Hey! Get down from that bookshelf, please! Most of those books haven't been discredited yet. Would you please tell your son to stop?

Captain, can't we go any faster? I greatly fear we shan't be in Wimbledon by noonfall. No worries, madam. Lumley, shovel on more dogs, won't you? Aye, aye. More dogs! More dogs! In you go!

Ooh! Floor pie. I-- Whoa! Aw. Oh.

Anyhoo, now that I'm your king again-- - Ralph, I thought you were dead. - Nope!

We're goin' home. I'm sick of you and your stupid tonic!

Uh, burn that seat.

Any valuables in the house? Well, the Picasso, my collection of classic cars-- Sorry. This policy only covers actual losses, not made-up stuff. Well, that's just great. Fire, man's oldest foe.

Bart, you want some brownie before you go to bed?

I'm just sayin'.

Bart, come with me for punishment. You too, snitchy.

Dad, how would you like to be sold to an ivory dealer? I'd like it fine. Even if he killed you... and made your teeth into piano keys? Yes, of course I would. Who wouldn't like that, to be part of the music scene?

You are. Where are you taking me? A place where youll never be bothered by your family again. Oh.

Now listen, Abe. I want to know why my money isn't bringing you happiness. Oh, Bea, I'm not cut out for the high life. Abraham, if you're not happy with the money, why don't you spread it around ? Make other people as happy as you made me. Oh, thanks, Bea. I will !

Now Chinatown was a classic. But you had problems with the sequel, The Two jakes? Oh, boy. Disappointed? I had the blues like Chasen's had chili. I said to myself, "Evans, you forgot Hollywood rule number one-- kill Homer Simpson." Hey, what's all the screaming?

Dear Log: It won't be long now before my mind melts... into a soft, Simpsony sludge. Soon, the arts and literature I love will be replaced... by talk radio and vulgar mud flaps. It's time to give my brain its last meal.

Bart's making faces. Where's my red cap? Alley balls? Your wife is dead. I haven't flushed a ball in years. Noooo!!

Wait a minute, Scully. What's the point of this test? No point. I just thought he could stand to lose a little weight. His jiggling is almost hypnotic. Yes. It's like a lava lamp.

This better be important. Oy, gevalt! just let your head flop back and forth.

Oh, memories! If this old place could talk. It'd say--

Guess who, fat boy! - Marge! Marge, look! - Oh, my God! The doll's trying to kill me, and the toaster's been laughing at me. Eww! Dog water. Your doll is trying to kill my husband!

So, how do you like bein' Miss Popularity? Oh, well, you know, it ain't so great. Bart, it's the best thing that ever happened to me in my whole life! Well, anyway, I brought you a present. Look!

Watch out! He's got his probe!

Woody, give me a beer. I think you've had enough, Mr. Peterson. My chiropractor says I can't carry you home anymore. just give me another beer, you brain-dead hick! I'll kill ya! I'll kill all of ya! Whoa! Settle down, Normie. You gotta save those pipes for karaoke.

Marge! There's a spider near my car keys! You did the right thing by telling me. Shoo! Get outta here! That's better.

Are you sure this is the casino? I think I should call my manager.

What? Oh, this is your doing, Willie. I'll turn your groin to puddin'! Oh, you speak like a poet, but you punch like one too! Oh! Oh, ya bastard!

First of all, forget everything you learned in missionary school. Done.

They always have such nice things. Perhaps we should pay them a visit. A deadly visit? Well, let's play it by ear. Well, you're talking 'bout the China Grove, whoa-oh-oh

stole my oxygen and tried to eat my left arm." ew, Dad! "Tell my beloved wife my last thoughts were of her... "blinding and torturing Abe Simpson. Cheerio." My dad's a disgrace, just like Bart's dad!

The fingers you have used to dial are too fat. To obtain a special dialing wand, please mash the keypad with your palm now.

To make it up to you, we will go out to dinner at a sensibly priced restaurant, then have a night of efficient German sex.

Actually, sir, we've been booked into a small theater in New Mexico. Whoa. Whoa. Slow down there, maestro. There's a new Mexico?

Hmm, I don't agree with his Bart-killing policy. But I do approve of his Selma-killing policy. Well, he framed me for armed robbery. But, man, I'm aching for that upper-class tax cut.

monorail monorail monorail Monorail!

And... hit it! Hmm? Can I borrow A feeling could you lend me A jar of love

Homer, all those fatty deep-fried, heavily-salted snacks can't be good for your heart. My heart is just fine.

do you find something funny about the word "tromboner"? No, sir. I was laughing at something outside. She was looking at Nelson! Lisa likes Nelson! She does not! Milhouse likes Lisa! He does not! janie likes Milhouse! She does not!

Five, six, so long, hicks!

As Roger Meyers Jr., the owner of the park, I'd like to thank you for stopping the killer robots. And to show my appreciation, here are two free passes. But there are five of us. Here are two free passes. - That's better. - Man, if this is happening here,

Hmm, that looks entertaining. Oh, yeah! So tell your folks, "Buy me Bonestorm... or go to hell!"

Great Barrier Reef, we're under attack!

F-L-A-N-R-D-S He's the man that I hate best I'd like to see his house go up in flame - Yay. Yay. Excuse me. I've been researching indigenous folk music of Springfield, and I couldn't help overhearing your delightfully cruel hate song. David Byrne?

Whee, I'm Dick Tracy! Bam! Take that, Prune Face! Now I'm Prune Face!

I don't want to go on this oceanographic expedition, Father. I get seasick taking a shower. Clean but nauseous. "Clean but nauseous." With the rolling and the heaving and the you make me sick! You've disgraced the name of John Nerdlebaum Frink. But, Father, I...

Who's someone you've been making irritating phone calls to for years? Linda Lavin? No, someone who didn't deserve it.

Impossible. No, no, we're quite certain.

She's been described as a woman in her early 30s,

That pig looks like Lenny. Hey! Mmm! That's the next best thing to eating Lenny. I'm still hungry.

Oh, Lisa's right. We're nothing but a big bunch of losers. Show's over, folks. Go home! What about our five bucks? You get it after you leave. Now get outta here.

Oh! She won't hold! She's breaking up! All done. If you survive, please come again.

Oh! You haven't changed at all! You're still evil. And when you're trying to be good, you're even more evil. I don't understand. Pigs need food. Engines need coolant. Dynamiters need dynamite. I'm supplying it to them at a tidy profit. And not a single sea creature was wasted.

Ah! Lousy Isotopes. They're a disgrace to baseball. They lost again? Mm-hmm. The team's been terrible since they got bought by the cheap, heartless Duff Corporation.

Hey, Lise, check it out-- pogo stilts. These were banned in all 50 states. Oh! What happened?

Go into hyperspace! Wait! Where's the hyperspace? Grandpa, you're the spaceship. I thought I was this guy. - Oh! - Oh! Game's over. I got down on the floor for this?! Wait, Dad.

Disco Stu knows his place. My husband's a power-mad star. Maybe now we can get that padding that goes under rugs. (SPEAKING HEBREW)

Ah! 206 bones, 50 miles of small intestine, full, pouting lips. Why, this fellow is less a snowman than a god!

I can't believe Aunty Gladys is really gone. Her legend will live forever. Yeah. The legend of the dog-faced woman. Legend of the dog-faced woman. - Oh, that's good! - Homer! That's very rude of you. What? D'oh!

I hate it when the waffles stick together. Sticking together is what good waffles do.

Will there be beer? Beer is not allowed. Homer no function beer well without. Would you rather have beer or complete and utter contentment? What kind of beer? The Leader knows how miserable you, Marge, Lisa, Bart and Maggie are.

More tea, Edna? What kind of little boy has a tea set? I think we both know the answer to that. A lucky boy! You know, Seymour,

I want all of youse to say hello to the Simpsons. Hello! Has the whole world gone insane? Stand still! There's a spark in your hair! Get it! Get it! Get it! Hot stuff comin' through. Dad, why did you bring me to a gay steel mill?

Aww. Nothing gets chocolate out. See?

Ooh. Thanks, buddy. Hey, I lost my turn.

I'll take a rocket bomb! What can I get for 30 cents? Let go! I gotta get to the tank! Heck, I can't decide without the pictures. Six, ha-ya-yah. Oh!

One square watermelon, please. Oh, my goodness. Homer, those are $150. It's worth every cent. I'm tired of fumbling with round fruit. D'oh! Well, maybe we should just head back to the hotel.

So if you don't want to see crude, lowbrow programming disappear from the airwaves, please, call now. Hello! Murdoch here. $10,000! You've saved my network. Wouldn't be the first time.

Oh, but you love silhouette night.

Out of my way! I'm Hitler!

I'm gonna resign. I don't know why they made me union president in the first place. Because they love you down at the plant. Yeah, you're right. Guys are always patting my bald head for luck, pinchin' my belly to hear my girlish laugh. Hmm. That doesn't sound like they like you at all.

Check out the saxophone. Pretty boss but something's stuck on it. Hey! Hey, look at me. I'm Elvis, man! Give that back! That to me! If you want it, take it.

We're gonna groove tonight We'll make you feel all right Simpsons Christmas boogie We're dancing to the beat We'll make you move your feet

Ooh-hoo-whoa! Hmm, that looks entertaining. Oh, yeah! So tell your folks, "Buy me Bonestorm... or go to hell!"

Ow. How are they, Ralph? Good? They taste like burning.

"Me so sorry. Ah, so." What's he gonna do next, the flapping dickey? Uh-oh, I'm losin' 'em. Time for the "A" material. Hey, hey!

Ah. I love these lazy Saturdays. - It's Wednesday, Homer. - Work!

Mom! A dog ate my clothes!

Do you want to change your name to Homer junior? The kids can call you Hoju.

We don't need supernatural powers.

It seems President Kennedy's father was-- Whoo! Mini cannoli. Hey, I called that. I saw it first. Come back here. Hmm, milking room. I hope you cows are decent.

How ya doin', Germany? Here's my impression of an East German woman. "Kees" me, or I'll crush you. He says what we're all thinking. I'm not thinking that. Hey, Swiss miss. There's no missin' you, babe.

It's too late. Well, old friend, we always knew this day would come. Say good-bye to your brother.

More. Mmm! I don't understand it. James Coco went mad in 15 minutes.

Hamlet, what'd I tell you about running with swords? Someone's behind the curtain. It could be Claudius. Only one way to find out. Ow! - Ow! - Polonius? What are you doing behind the curtain? I hide behind curtains 'cause I have a fear of getting stabbed.

Oh, who am I kidding? - I am slow. - Oh, Homie. If you feel so bad about yourself, there's always things you can do to feel better. - Take another bath in malt liquor? - There's that. Or you could take an adult education course.

Hey, way to go, Homer. Way to go ! What will I tell the boss ? Tell him I'm going to the backseat of my car with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes.

They're like two positively charged ions.

I've got it. Hey, what are you doing? Give me that phone? Congratulations, Bart. You've just discovered a comet. Noooo! Noooo!

and you'll have to live with your grandmother and pick beans. Dad, I like picking beans with Grandma. Well, keep it up then. Okay, I will. Good. You do that. Fine. You'll be picking many a bean. Hope I do.

But first, I've got a hankerin'... for some pork products. Mmm. Look. Plump succulent sausage, honey-smoked bacon and glistening, sizzling--

No excuses. Just do it.

That is incorrect. The correct answer is you. Mom, can Lisa and I play outside away from the bear? Okay. But when you start getting apple-cheeked, it's time to come in. Huh?

Ah, my plan has come to fruition. Soon I'll be queen of summertime. Oh. King. King!

Why, you little..!

The next piece is an atonal medley by Philip Glass. (ALL SCREAM)

I'm Artie Ziff, Marge's date for the prom.

All of 'em great. I did the commercials myself. Remember kids, Drunken Cowboy brand whiskey is smooth as milk! I'm not sure I approve of selling whiskey to children. Well, that ad was aimed at children who were already heavy drinkers. Oh.

To poor decisions. Hear! Hear!

Whoa. Ooh. Oh, yeah.

I hate every ape I see From chimpan-A to chimpan-Z No, you'll never make a monkey Out of me Oh, my God I was wrong

Bases loaded, two out. The good guys trail by a run. S... P... R... I... N... G... F... E... E... L... D !

Not according to any movie I've ever seen. I'm afraid you're stuck with your genes, Lisa. Hi, frozen body.

Where's my elephant? Hey, they're playing "The Elephant Song." I love that. Reminds me of elephants.

You’ve just been "Marge-inalized."

School's out! Up yours, Krabappel! Well, I'm glad the rest of you remembered... that summer vacation starts at the end of the day, not the beginning.

It was either that or tell him his mother was a wanted criminal! You were a rotten wife, and I'll never ever forgive you!

Sir, I studied under Ed McMahon.

Your plant has been taken over by an all-star team of freelance terrorists. Not on my shift! Yip!

Ow! Ow! Ow! Ooh! Ow! Ow! Hey, have you ever noticed that the Crossing the Desert... is a lot like The Unblinking Eye? And it's exactly like "The Wreck of the Hesperus." And now, the final ordeal-- "The Paddling of the Swollen Ass-- With Paddles." Ow! Ow! Ow! Aah! Ow! Oh! Oh!

Hey, it wouldn't be a Playdude party without James Caan. So, I'm trying to talk with Miss November and Charlie Callas over here is blocking my action with... (INDISTINCT) Turns out he's choking on a peanut. Well, punch to the gut cleared that right up. (KIDS LAUGHING) Hey, Bart. Me and Mrs. Krabappel,

What a day for a stroll. Come on! What are you doing? Seymour, the two of us could make good use of this time. Indeed. You take this teacher evaluation test. I'll proctor. "Read the directions silently as I read them aloud to you." Look at those suckers in their metal coffins.

I don't know. Great plan, Bart !

Mom, my potato is eating a carrot. That's it.

Or "I'm going crazy !"

Watch this, guys. Ooh! - Uh-oh. He's done for. - Don't worry. The safety glass'll protect us. Run! We'll hide at my house!

Of course, because you wouldnt want to- I paid for your splendor, you-

Ooh. Oh, Smithers, if only you could hear me.

- Lemonade ? Please. - Seen it. Cleans and straightens your teeth-- Seen it.

Mr. Starr, tea and crumpets. just set it over there. Sir, if you'll forgive an old Brit his impertinence, your devotion to your fans is nothing short of remarkable. Well, Wetherby, they took the time to write me, and I don't care if it takes me another 20 years-- I'm going to answer every one of them.

"What are you looking at?" The innocent words of a drunken child. Well, I'll tell you what we're looking at, young man. A town gone mad! A town whose very conscience was washed away in a tide of beer and green vomit. I'm going down to Moe's for a couple beers. I'll come with you.

Hello, Bart. Mom! Dad! Your family can't help you now. Oh, no, Dad's been drugged. No, he hasn't.

Some folk'll never eat a skunk but then again Some folk'll Like Cletus the Slack-jawed Yokel Hey. What's goin' on on this side?

Uh, well, I know hell and damn and bit--

Is it true that we have to bring our own water? We got a little rule back home-- If it's brown, drink it down. If it's black, send it back.

It's time to put you away. Put you away for good. No! Ho. What the gumdrops is goin' on here?

These Krusty Brand balloons are three bucks each. But get a cheap one, and what happens? It goes off, takes out the eyeballs of every kid in the room.

(SIREN WAILING)

That's a nasty clog. Ooh, you've got yourself a partner, have ya?

I was hoping it would be money. Hmm, dear. We're in serious trouble here. We're just going to have to cut down on luxuries. Well, we're always buying Maggie vaccinations for diseases she doesn't even have. We could cut down on beer.

Here we are. 123 Fake Street. The home of Knifey Wifey. Hey, Chief, can I hold my gun sideways? It looks so cool.

Also available with lyrics. Hey, computer geek You will be connected in no time What a catch. Why didn't you sink your claws into him at the prom?

Hey. I need to see your claim checks for that luggage. Oh, of course. I have it right here. I'll need to see yours too. - You got it! - I'll take your word for it. You're just doing your job. Do you have anything by Robert Ludlum?

I spent the next three years in a P.O.W. camp, forced to subsist on a thin stew made of fish, vegetables, prawns, coconut milk and four kinds of rice. I came close to madness trying to find it here in the States, but they just can't get the spices right.

Oh, yeah. No. Absolutely no friction dancing. (GROANING) Come on! Why, you killjoy? Wussy! Grinch! Hey, take it easy on Skinner. He's just down 'cause after tomorrow, everything he does is wrong.

Dang! I'm sorry. Hi.

Please do the Hindu that you do so well. Avert your eyes, eunuch. What's a eunuch? "Unique," "unite"-- Mmm, Homie, what's wrong?

More. I was writing a story for Harper's Magazine. Harper's Magazine! I have a picture of Lewis Lapham on my binder. (GROWLS) Oh, but I've been yapping about myself all night. Marge, what's exciting in your life lately?

After evaluating millions of pieces of data in the blink of an eye the Gamble-Tron 2000 says the winner is... Cincinnati by 200 points?! Why, you worthless hunk of junk!

I'm gonna kill you, Homer. You are so dead. Now Chinatown was a classic. But you had problems with the sequel, The Two jakes? Oh, boy. Disappointed? I had the blues like Chasen's had chili. I said to myself, "Evans, you forgot Hollywood rule number one--

Hey. What's goin' on on this side? Hey, Brandine. You might could wear these to your job interview. And scuff up the topless dancin' runway? - Nah. You best bring 'em back where from you got 'em. - Okay. Back you go... to waits for a woman of less discriminatin' tastes.

Oh, I hate them all! Noble idiot, bring in the pie! (TRUMPETS PLAYING) I dedicate this pie to the backbone of the feudal system. The serfs! (ALL SCREAMING)

You crushed my boyfriend! You better be good at making out!

just so there's no hard feelings, here's double your pay. - No, no, triple. - Thank you.

passed away just two weeks ago.

to kick this doghouse down!

Good evening. I've been asked to tell you... that the following show is very scary, with stuff that might give your kids nightmares. You see, there are some crybabies out there--

It's nice and cool in here, don't you think? Welcome to the Electric Car of the Future, sponsored by the Gasoline Producers of America.

Folks are finally accepting their feelings and communicating with no holding back. And this reporter thinks it's about-- time. Of course, all these good vibes can be traced to one feisty little scamp... who taught us that if it feels good, do it.

Bart, you're grounded for a year! I'll just pay the fine. Okay. Three bucks. Why don't you publish your poem? Publish it myself?

Pfft. A library selling books? If I don't want 'em for free, why do I want to pay for 'em? Why do you always wait till we arrive to complain? I don't know.

I saw it first. Come back here. Hmm, milking room. I hope you cows are decent. Crap on a crust! They're milking rats.

All right, listen, pal. Here's the deal. You stumbled on the secret that only truck drivers are supposed to know. Hey, pay attention and stop looking at that squirrel. We get 40 bucks an hour to drive these rigs.

A poem by Hans Moleman. I think that I shall never see. My cataracts are blinding me. And they thought I stunk.

Why don't you bring this potato? It's pretty big. Mom, you're always trying to give me potatoes. What is it with you? I just think they're neat.

I'm not dead, idiot.

Whoa ! Take that, Granny. - Ow ! - Oh, no. Deadly mothballs. Eew ! Granny's kissing me. You have reached the level of Ungrateful Grandchild. Try again, if you dare. just a couple of more games... and I'll hit the books.

Beer, beer, beer, beer, beer, beer, beer, beer! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Yeah.

(SPEAKING SWEDISH)

I can hear you walking by-- It stinks! It stinks! It stinks!

- There's gotta be a way to escape! - Psst! I've worked on this for 33 years. It's made out of toilet paper rolls, toothpicks and plastic forks, and the sail is made of scabs and dynamite. It's small and it's smelly, but it should carry both of us to--

Thanks for driving us back to town. No problem. We were going there anyway... to pick up the new Spy magazine. I'm sorry. They dont publish that anymore. The world I "grewed" up in is gone. Oh, my special little guys! You’re okay! You’re okay!

Frank and Jesse James- the Sundance Kid- What happened to Butch Cassidy? "What happened to Butch Cassidy?' We're not joined at the hip, you know.

We're gonna visit the place where JCPenney sends their damaged merchandise. No, thanks. I'm gonna keep on ridin' the rails... swappin' stories for sponge baths.

Give it to me. El yoyÓ es grande. ¡Ay, chihuahua! As you can see, Simpson, I have taken over all 78 channels, and you won't see any of your favorite shows again until you give in! Whoa! That bites.

Till then, you're going to spend the day in hell! That wasn't so bad. Huh? Ow! Ow! Ow!

"Bart is a vampire." "Beer kills brain cells." Now, let's go back to that... building thingy... where our beds and TV... is.

Don't you-- I'll kill you. Homer Simpson, you're under arrest... for the murders of Moe Szyslak and Apu Nahasa-- pasa-- Ah, just Moe. Just Moe.

But it's me, Moe, wearing a sailor suit.

And I've got to share that gift with the world. Ow! Get her out of here. Why you throwing tomatoes at yourself, huh?

Hey, that's just enough time to see Santy Claus. Oh! Why, Santa? Why? Oh, no. Here come the gulls! Nice birdie. Nice birdie. No! Not so nice! Ow!

Why don't you get this nice cap? It's clever, just like you. Hmm? Hmm?

So, Professor, would you say it's time for everyone to panic? Yes, I would, Kent. Ladies and gentlemen. Ladies and gentlemen, please.

Is this cel worth anything? Let me show you something. This-- This is a Snagglepuss drawn by Hic Heisler. It is worth something. This-- This is an arm drawn by nobody. It is worth nothing. Can't you give me anything for it? I can give you this telephone. It is shaped like Mary Worth.

Sexyslumberparty.com? It's flashing. We better click it. (BOTH GIGGLING) Katja, do you think anyone's watching? If they are, they will see us explore our sexhood without restraint.

- Got 'im! - Way to go, man. May I interest you in a jell-O brick, sir? There's a grape in the center. Well, I'm not made of stone. You're not made of stone. A brick and you're not made of... stone.

Bart, children, this whole sordid affair has been a shock to all of us. But we must get on with our lives. Let's try to remember Krusty, not as a hardened criminal, but as that lovable jester who honked his horn and puttered around in his little car. And shot you out of a cannon. And shot me out of a cannon. Yes, we will never forget that, will we ?

Lisa, we're not supposed to see each other before the wedding. It's tradition. What about my family's tradition? Surely you don't want me to wear those... in front of my parents and their friends? But you promised my dad you would. I was just humoring him, darling. Actually, he frightens me a bit.

And that was the only folly... the people of Springfield ever embarked upon, except for the Popsicle stick skyscraper... and the 50-foot magnifying glass... and that escalator to nowhere. Whoa!

Aw, they're not so tough. Chief, that wasn't a monster. That was the captain of the high school basketball team. Uh, yeah, well, he was turning into a monster though.

For all the latest medical poop Call Surgeon General C. Everett Koop Koop-Koop-a-doop This is worse than your song about Mr. T.

Reinforcements! Tanks? Oh, this is just too inaccurate.

I'm proud that you won the Pulitzer-- Finally.

Aw, I'm gonna give your liver such a punchin'! People, please! We're all frightened and horny. But we can't let some killer dolphins keep us from living and scoring!

Oh! Oh! Bono, help me! Don't worry, folks. He'll get the help he needs. In the name of love what more in the name of love My campaign is a disaster, Moe.

As wacky as those kids were, they were no match for Captain Wacky, later renamed "Homer."

Presenting Princess Kashmir, queen of the mysterious East.

Now, if any of you ever think of drinking and driving again, this film will scare the pants off of ya. Aah!

My mind is made up. I'm not coming back, and that's final. Oh, Seymour. And I'm not Seymour. My name is Armin. This is Armin's apartment, Armin's liquor, Armin's copy of Swank, Armin's frozen peas. Can I see your copy of Swank, Armin?

I figured if one six-pack holder will catch one fish, a million sewn together will catch a million fish. Watch. What's going on? I call it the Burns Omni-Net. It sweeps the sea clean.

We drove 2,000 miles for this?

Show's over. Good night, Springden. There will be no encores.

Donald Trump? No. Arnold Palmer? No. Bill Cosby? No. D'oh!

Huh? Yea. Hey. That seltzer ain't free.

Well, I'd rather reserve judgment until I-- Oh, my God! I'll mace you good! That is completely taken out of context!

Daddy, when I grow up, I want to be just like you. Better start eating, kid. Start eating? I didn't mean it that way.

These are the juiciest frogs I've ever eaten. Mmm! Ra has rewarded my cruelty to the slaves.

Dirt. Well, there wasn't really much dirt. There was a bunch of old paint cans in their garage though. Ol' Painty-can Ned! I always knew he'd keep his old cans of paint! Yeah! How do you like that?

Now, the naturalist who took these absolutely extraordinary pictures...

Oh, WOW. I can't believe my very first passenger is comedy legend, Mel Brooks. I loved that movie, Young Frankenstein. Scared the hell out of me.

Hallelujah hallelujah hallelujah hallelujah hallelujah Wake up, Bart. Rise and shine, little guy.

That's good aim, Dad. Well, it was my major. Welcome to the noble family of skilled Krustaceans. You will now go back to your hometowns... and do kids' parties, swap meets... and all the other piddly crap I wouldn't touch with a 10-foot clown pole. Now, come and get your cat-skins--

Bart, eat your spinach. - No way. - Yes way! Stop it, please. I'm trying to eat. And all those feet going by the window are really creeping me out.

He's a good boy now, and he's getting better, and sometimes even the best sheep stray from the flock... and need to be hugged extra hard. That's exactly the kind of crapola that's lousing him up. Hey, look at this. "I am a Wiener." He sure is.

ALL: Six, five, four...

Mrs. Crabapple, that was uncalled for.

Manjula, come quick! The octuplets said their first words. Mommy-- Will-- - You-- - Let-- - Daddy-- - Come-- - Back? - Cookie! Oh, they miss their father. Are you sure you don't want to take him back?

What the hell you doing with my money in your house, Fred?

You can never be my-- Eeeeeeee! Sir, try to land on Leonard's carcass!

The dream police they live inSide of my bed the dream police they come to me in my head the dream police they're going to arrest me now oh, no Oh! Howdy, neighbor! May I spray you with the hose in a playful fashion?

Can't buy me love

Eh, too many kids. Ooh. It's goin' on 8:30. I better call Maude and tell her where I am. Relax. I called her from the gas station. - Thanks, buddy. - Sucker.

Oh. A little... sterile. No real insight. - What do you think, Miss Hoover? - Eh. "Eh"? Oh. This has been a very disappointing day. All right, on to Lisa Simpson. You're a shoe-in now, Lise. After the way I've behaved, I don't deserve to win.

Hey, i'll give you somethin' to cry about, you loser. You can't catch a football? Let's see if you can catch a rock.

"'My proposal' by Bart Simpson. "I want to pretend... - "I am a regular dumb kid. - Period. By this, I hope--"

Now let's play ball! Ooh, and Lenny is taking off! That's a foul. I am taking the ball and going home. Hey! Hey, that's not your ball! The chase begins.

And another thing: when people come up to me and say, "Hey, little buddy." And hit me over the head with a hat? That's not funny. That hurts! Stop laughing at me!

Are we gonna let politics get in the way of our friendship? Friendship? You told people I lured children into my gingerbread house. Yeah. That was just a lie. Simpson, the American people... have never tolerated incompetence in their public officials.

Here you go! 42-inch plasma TV as a thank you from your... Your mother. Oh, that "my mother." Tell him thanks. Okay, Tattoo Man. It's a month in the hole for you. Solitary confinement? But without my weekly canasta, I'll die.

That horse better win, or we're taking a trip to the glue factory. And he won't get to come. Yeah, that's a great tour. - But you can't see it all in one day. - Hey, be quiet. And away they go! Go, Duncan! Go, number five! Let's go, number five!

We're married? But how?

Seymour, what's going on? What's that odor?

I don't wanna be a three! I wanna be a seven! Shut up, kid. You're as crazy as an eight, I'm telling you.

The Deer Hunter? Uh, huh-- That reminds me. Didi mah! Didi mah! I'm sorry, guys. We're shuttin' down for a while. Sorry.

Oh, not the Harrier! We've got a war tomorrow. God bless the idiot-proof Air Force. They're gone!

Big shoes to fill-- In ancient Greece, there was a school of thought called stoicism. Wait a minute ! You did it ! Excuse me ? Attention, fellow children ! Krusty didn't rob that store ! Sideshow Bob framed him, and I got proof ! Ow ! My foot ! You lousy, stupid, clumsy--

Oooh, I've wasted my life.

But you haven't won anything in months. I'll just make more money. Crank out some cheesy merchandise. But you've already merchandised everything-- Krusty's Monopoly game, the Krusty croWd-control barrier. Nothing is selling anymore, not even your new Lady Krusty line. But our infomercials are running 24 hours a day!

We can outsmart those dolphins! Don't forget we invented computers, leg warmers, bendy straws, peel-and-eat shrimp, the glory hole and the pudding cup.

We thought for a minute you'd gone away from us. I did go away, Mom ! I was miles and miles and miles away, writhing in agony in the pits of hell ! And you were there ! And you and you and you. You, I've never seen before. Hey, yeah, who are you ? I saw you chasing Bart's ambulance.

Just, uh, you know, keep the lewdness to a minimum.

Wow, what an ending. Who would have thought Darth Vader was Luke Skywalker's father? Well, thank you, Mr. Blow-The-Picture-For-Me. Marge, you're as pretty as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda. Oh, Homer. MmM. mmM.

And that's how Paul Bunyan started the great Chicago fire.

Intruder alert. Intruder alert. Stop the humanoid.

Ninety-seven, 98, 99, 100! (CHEERING)

Sorry. Ah. Well, what do you got him peeing on?

Look, maybe it would help if you went over all the mistakes you made from the beginning. Moe? What? Let me get a pad.

We have searched every square inch of this base, and all we have found is porno, porno, porno! We have only 20 minutes left. Send in the esteemed representatives of television. Hey, hey! Now, this is my kind of meeting!

Yeah. It's like the Allman Brothers. Homer, no! Aaah! A hungry, hungry hippo. Aaah! Help! Kitenge! Now, Simpsons! Run for it.

What a crappy candle. You've ruined our vacation.

Hey, look, everybody! Free beer! Open your yaps, boyos! Hey, what the-- Oh!

That was eight years ago. Is it Pittsburgh?

Oh, this place smells, and something's dripping on me. The smell is manure, and the dripping's manure. Now turn to chapter one of Math Safari. But we're already on chapter seven. (MENACINGLY) Then you'll be teaching Willie. (WHIMPERS)

Oh, no, you don't. That trampoline is mine! Huh?

How ya doin', Apu ? Mmm, chocolate. Ooh, double chocolate. New flavor-- triple chocolate ! Perhaps a little something for the trip back to the cash register.

Silence, sinner! Prepare for an eternity of horrible pain! Oh, no! Oh! Ha-ha! Oh, be quiet! You'll wake up John Wayne. I'm already up.

The goalie of my dreams! Let's try a hard one to make sure it wasn't a fluke. Hey, way to knock out my teeth! Yeah, that's it, Milhouse. Keep up the chatter.

His likeness graces a stamp in Tanzania.

And I think it's ironic that, for once, Dad's butt... prevented the release of toxic gas-- Bart!

Superintendent, I hope you're ready for mouthwatering hamburgers. I thought we were having steamed clams. D'oh, no. I said steamed hams. That's what I call hamburgers.

Come on, Maggie. Maybe if you just squeeze a little. That's it. That's it. I-- D'oh!

Sir, if I could just break in for a moment. Yes, Roy. Do you have a question for Sandy Koufax?

Well, I bet they miss me. (PLAYING UPBEAT MUSIC)

It's only 20 pages long, and this guy wrote it for me. What's your name again? John Updike. Whoa, whoa. I didn't ask for your life story.

Of course! Bowling! Bowling here! Come bowl now! Get your bowling! Who's ready? Bowling!

Did your imaginary friend try to kill you again? No. Walter's been cool.

I am a robot. Do what I say. I am a washing machine. Do what I say.

But, Zelda, if you're looking for something with a big backseat... and a lot of gas, I'm your man.

Hey, Dad-- We wanna go back to Springfield. What? We've got it great here. And for the first time in my life, I'm actually good at my job. My team is way ahead of the weather machine and germ warfare divisions.

Iraqis again. Launching Sidewinder missile. Missed him. Launching second Sidewinder missile. This is what happens when you cut money out of the military and put it into health care.

Hey, Homer, I'm worried about the beer supply. After this case, and the other case, there's only one case left. Yeah, yeah! Barney's right! Yeah, let's get some more beer. Yeah, hey, what about some beer? Yeah, Barney's right. All right, guys, pipe down. I got some more in the garage.

No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. Yes. Er, um, I mean, no. No.

You could flash-fry a buffalo in 40 seconds.

Let the judgment begin. I'll get the ball rolling. You're a fat idiot. Yeah! Lose some weight!

If it's black, send it back.

Arrest that guy. And that's the end of that chapter.

Obnoxious fad? Ah, don't worry, Son. You know, they said the same thing about Urkel. That little snot boy. I'd like to smack that kid!

Is that you, Apu? Whoa! Time has ravaged your once-youthful looks. Ah, well, Sanjay. That is the end of our freak show.

And I think to myself what A wonderful world

ow, ooh. ow, ooh. Ow, ooh.

Oh, Homer ! Oh, ho, ho, ho.

But you don't have to worry about the bill. We've never welshed on a-- Look, a bear! Run!

A rabbi composes, he creates thoughts he tells stories that may never have happened but he does not exaggerate. My father would have never suspected a thing were it not for one, rowdy rabbi. Hey, funny man! No, no, no!

Flanders! Flanders! What? Flanders! What? What is it? Game's out there! Made you look.

Sometimes I wish this dam would burst... and bury this cursed town.

Are you still a little hell-raiser? Yes'm. Mom, you're back! Just like you were back before. Then you left me again. I love you so much! But it's so hard for me to trust you. What the heck. Give me a hug, you. Homer, you're hugging a bum. I know. I'm working my way up to you.

Hello. My name is Mr. Snrub, and I come from, uh, someplace far away. Yes, that will do. Anyway,

sponsored by the Gasoline Producers of America. Hello. I'm an electric car. I can't go very fast or very far. And if you drive me, people will think you're gay.

Adam West! Hey, kids. Batman. Dad, that's not the real Batman. Of course I'm Batman. See, here's a picture of me with Robin. Who the hell's Robin? Oh, I guess you're only familiar with the new Batman movies.

And you get a third wall for your cubicle. But I earned that wall. Don't push your luck, pal. You're hangin' on by a thread. Well, I brought this wall from home.

And I'm sure a pro wrestler such as yourself will appreciate all the closet space, Hitman. Ew. This place has got old man stink.

I guess guys like us just can't get a break. Well, at least I can't sink any lower. Come back, diaper. Come back. Hi, Ma. And now, to read from the Epistles of Saint Paul, Homer Simpson.

And special awards go to the two students... who obviously had no help from their parents: Lisa Simpson and Ralph Wiggum. I'm Idaho! Yes, of course you are.

Greetings, chums! Were your days at work as profitable as mine? I just had a sinful shopping spree at Wee World. We're having the best spring break of our lives, and we don't need you around nerding it up. That job is taken. But surely I and my $600...

Ta-da! Aah! Yea, Krustys!

He's a limber lad She's a powerful lass He'll wring your neck and she'll kick your ass

Now, boys and girls let's welcome our very special guest Ted Carpenter from the Twirl King Yo-Yo Company.

I told you to trim those sideburns. Go home! You're off the team! For good! Fine. I still like him better than Steinbrenner.

Why, you spongehead, of course I'd have been better off ! As far as I'm concerned, I have no brother !

Tonight we'll see Angela Lansbury walk on hot coals. Excitement, she wrote. How could someone abuse their body that way?

- So, what if it did? - So, it is very thoughtless. I should cut you like I cut sodium out of my diet. You don't scare me with your dignity and your subtle cologne. Then perhaps you should be taught a lesson by us... Los Souvenir Chaquitos.

Well, since you're all such a big bunch of big ration babies, I'll just be in charge of the rationing. Look here, boy. The secret is to take tiny bites, like so. Mmm! Mmm! Mmm!

MAN ON TV: Bobby, I got propane in my urethra. ANNOUNCER 2 ON TV: We'll be right back with Who Will Marry a Million Bears!

Hey, Krusty. I'm bringing back the-- You just keep right on driving. There we go.

Right, Giuseppe? Giuseppe is such a happy monkey.

I know. I know. My mind says, "Stop," but my heart... and my hips cry, "Proceed."

Oh, that's good. That's good, 'cause I want trouble. Then we're agreed. There'll be trouble. Oh, yeah! Lots of trouble. - Trouble it is! - For you.

now knocking Whitey unconscious.

Oh, I always wanted to be a Teamster. So lazy and surly. Mind if I relax next to ya?

Stop endangering yourself. Stop endangering yourself.

Maggie, I know you like the bear, but wouldn't you be just as happy playing with... this box! See, Maggie? See the fun box? Do do do do do do Do do do do No! My box! My box!

What'd you kids get? I bought this cool pencil holder. Far out, man. I haven't seen a bong in years.

Well, crying isn't gonna bring him back, unless your tears smell like dog food. So you can either sit there crying and eating can after can of dog food... until your tears smell enough like dog food to make your dog come back, or you can go out there and find your dog! You're right! I'll do it!

Hey, Flanders, don't spill my beer. Oh, God! Lay down. Lay down. Clear! He's all right, folks. Okeydoke. Let's hit the tables.

After this dance, I'm heading to jail. One of my stray bullets hit a Texas Ranger. But I'll be back in six months. Yee-haw! Blanks. They just don't feel the same.

NO-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O!

Oh! Lord, save me. It's the Krusty Burglar! Oh, my God! He's stealing all the burgers!

J l pat a spell on your J Because you 're mine J J Stop the things you do J

Well, friend, you're going back where you came from-- the curb in front of Flanders's house.

I'm like that guy, that Spanish guy. - You know, he fought the windmills. - Don Quixote? No, that's not it. What's his name? "The Man of La Mancha." - Don Quixote. - No! I really think that was the character's name-- Don Quixote. Fine. I'll look it up. Well, who was it? Never mind. Mm-hmm.

"Nobody, "of the hundreds of people that had visited the fair, "knew that a gray spider... "had played the most important part of all. No one was with her when she died."

What, never Hardly ever He's hardly ever sick at sea

He's cut. I cut you! Shh! You're cut too, shushy!

A coupon book? What am I gonna do with this piece of junk? Happy birthday, Dad. Wow!

Now, the seniors in the back. We like Roy! We like Roy!

Anyhoo, this is your last chance. Turn over the baby now.

Um, you wanna go swimming? Okay. But you have to watch me dive.

A weema-way A weema-way A weema-way A weema-way, A weem-- Don't do that.

They just use your mind and they never give you credit Hmm.

Lisa, before you go, would you like to hear a song? Wow! That'd be great! Okay. Take it, apu. I'm sergeAnt pepper's lonely hearts club man I hope I Will enjoy my show

"Hello, Mr.-- Kurns. I bad want... money now. Me sick." Ooh, he card reads good. "So pick, please, me, Mr. Burns." It's Kurns, stupid! No, it's not. Disregard.

For the last time, no. Hello! Our ticket to freedom. So long, suck--

Oh! You look like a little tiny dinosaur. Oww! That is one vicious baby bird!

Come, family. Sit in the snow with Daddy, and let us all bask in television's warm, glowing, warming glow.

Yeah, eat my shorts. ButtmaN na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na buttman Buttman?

Oh, look at the time. I better scoot to that halftime show. See y'all!

Stupid fingers.

What are you laughing about? You started off as the bad cop. And now you're the good one. You and Willie got mixed-up about 10 minutes ago.

and call your precious dog warden, you old battle axe, because my dog is tied up in the backyard. There's only one family on this block--

Sandwich. Hmm, underpants.

Don't worry. Daddy's gonna get it back. I don't know how, but I'll figure out something. Thank you. You know, Lisa, music helps Daddy think.

The last angry clown, the man who spews truth from every orifice, ladies and gentlemen, Krusty.

Homer, give me my pepper spray. Aw, Marge, one squirt and you're south of the border. Mmm. Incapacitating.

I can't see, you idiot! Take your hands off my eyes!

Wow! A former president living right across the street! Oh, why did he have to move in on my territory? Look at him. Thinks just because he led the free world he can act like a big shot! Stupid president! Why couldn't he just stay in his own state?

Sorry, Mr. Burns, but I don't go in for these backdoor shenanigans. Sure, I'm flattered, maybe even a little curious, but the answer is no.

You and Ned married a couple of floozies? Marge, I'm sorry. But it wasn't my fault. Liquors drunkened me. If I had known there were loose women in Las Vegas, I would never have let you go! Look, I did marry her, but I abandoned her.

Grand theft auto? It was an accident, ma'am. Don't spit on my cupcake and tell me it's frosting. What did she say about cupcakes?

Pedestrian. Uninspired. I didn't say stop.

Young lady, that's the most intelligent question I've ever been asked. Really? Oh, I could give you an answer. But the only ones who'd understand it would be you and me, and that includes your teacher. Next question. You there, eating the paste.

Hey, what do you think he meant by that "fools" remark? Aw, who cares? Time to get me a mountain bike. Hey, what gives? Where are the mountain bikes? Sorry about the ruse, gentlemen.

Hey. Homer, did you just call everyone "chicken"? No. I swear on this Bible. That's not a Bible. That's a book of carpet samples. Ooh, fuzzy.

Lite-Brite-- check. Fog machine-- Even I think this is crazy. Chaka Khan, let me rock you Let me rock you, Chaka Khan Chaka Khan, Chaka Khan Chaka Khan Whisk the egg whites into the batter mixture...

Ninety-eight, ninety-nine, one hundred. Oh, if only the real chicks went down this easy.

You wouldn't understand, Dad. You're not with it. I used to be "with it." But then they changed what "it" was. Now what I'm with isn't "it," and what's "it" seems weird and scary to me. It'll happen to you! No way, man. We're gonna keep on rockin' forever. Forever. Forever.

How come you never gave me any encouragement? Maybe I could've been something more than I am, like a travel agent to a great scientist... or the inventor of a hilarious refrigerator alarm. Who are you to complain? You lock me up in a home... and give me the same damn shower-safety seat every Christmas.

My eyes have been soiled. Come on, Maude! The human wang is a beautiful thing.

And she hit him in the head with a golf club. And? Don't you remember? He went golfing all the time, and it really bugged her. You said he went bowling. D'oh! Homer, I've coughed up scarier stuff than that. Grampa, why don't you tell us a story? You've led an interesting life.

That night came the honeymoon. Eww! She's faking it.

Have it sent care of Langdon Alger.

And may I say, a job well done, sir? Well, back to work then. Make sure to give those toilets a good scrubbing. - We want the old girls sparkling when I get back. - Aye, sir. Eh, you silk-wearing buttercup! All right! Three whole months of SpaghettiOs and daytime Tv!

He slept, he stole he was rude to the customers. Still, there goes the best damned employee a convenience store ever had.

No TV and No Beer Make Homer-- something something. Go Crazy? Don't mind if I do! Stay away from me, Homer!

Wow. What a high-tech wonderland. Oop, got an itch. Ew. Whoa! This place has everything, even a Shoplifting Department.

The monsteR mash and do my graveyard smaSh then you can mash Doin' "the monster mash" with ya... on this beautiful Valentine's Day. Marty, why did you play that song today? There must be thousands of love songs. Well, it's kind of a love song-- all the monsters enjoying each other's company--

Bart waS feeling mighty blue It's A shame what School can do For no reason here's apu those were the days

So, as soon as you get back, we steal the car, right? Ri-- No, no, wrong. Listen. While I'm on the boat with the perfect alibi, you steal my car and park it on the railroad tracks. Then when the 10:15 train comes along-- Wham! Insurance company pays off 5,000 clams.

I've never heard of these bands, Mom. - What kind of music do they play? - Crap-Rock? No. Wuss-Rock? That's it.

I won't need this anymore. Marge, someone broke the toilet.

See, I told ya. There's nothin' to worry about. This place isn't--

Oh. A "gym." Ow. Ow. Boy, I'm feeling this. Ow. Ooh, my head's gonna be sore in the morning.

Come on. Don't be stuck-up. It's going to be great. Well, why not? This party's just getting started! Stop the celebration! That small boy is drunk! Yea, Bart!

I haven't seen my father since. That is so sad. Do you think about your father a lot? All the time. ...Except when I'm at the track.

Word. It just sounds like something I would say. Shh!

and takes out a tiny piano and a 12-inch pianist... Oh, no, wait. I can't tell that one.

Hey, you guys want to go bowling tonight? Nah, we're busy. Yeah. We got, uh, things to do. Like what? It's a secret. Shut up.

Plump succulent sausage, honey-smoked bacon and glistening, sizzling-- I'm dying. I'm dying.

Let's get out of here, Thelma. Okay, Louise.

I can't! My mom's not picking me up for an hour! (SIGHS) So, what do you think of today's popular music scene? I think it distracts people from more important social issues. My God, are you always on?

Well, you're falling a lot. Maybe you should work on that. Yeah. Well, no offense, but maybe I need a little more instruction... than just "tappa-tappa-tappa." Why, back when I was your age, I had 43 movies under my belt, and I had to do it without tappa-tappa-tappa. I would have killed for tappa-tappa-tappa.

"The Moe Szyslak Connection," produced by David Byrne. Moe, Moe, Moe How do you like me How do you like me Moe, Moe, Moe Why don't you like me Nobody likes me Eh, we can spend another week at the ranch.

the god of worldly wisdom located in the employee lounge. Hey, Ganesha, want a peanut? Please do not offer my god a peanut. No offense, Apu, but when they were handing out religions, you must've been out taking a whiz. Mr. Simpson, please pay for your purchases and get out and come again. Pride goeth before destruction!

I gave my love A chicken it had no bone Mmm, chicken. So then, "mono" means "one,"

Barney, I'd like to put a Spanish version of your jingle on my next album. SeÑor plow no es macho eS solamente un borracho Yeah, you do that. Well, I guess you can plow my driveway.

Ow! Dang it! Ow!

Hello. Dad, what are you doin' here? Lookin' for my teeth. Gimme those! Better wash these off. Oh, the hell with it.

These fumes aren't as fun as beer. Sure, I'm all dizzy and nauseous, but where's the inflated sense of self-esteem? Oh! I-- Hey, if you guys are getting loaded off them fumes, I'm gonna have to charge you. Man alive, there are men alive in here.

like sitting on the microwave? Not according to any movie I've ever seen. I'm afraid you're stuck with your genes, Lisa. Hi, frozen body.

No refunds. Force majeure. Read the back of your ticket. Oh! $900?

Because the schools can't force you like they should. Maude, these new finger razors make hedge trimming as much fun as sitting through church.

Clang, clang, clang went the trolley Ring, ring, ring went the bell - Zing, Zing, zing went my heart strings-- Thank you! Give the bully an extra point.

Dad, that's the Old Spice song. It is? Well, that's a good song too. Run!

I'm very proud of you, Mr. Plow. This might sound silly, but just for a change, would you mind-- Cutting my nails? Brushing my teeth? No, no. Could you wear the Mr. Plow jacket?

Ohh. English side ruined! Must use French instructions! "Le grille"? What the hell is that? Come here. Get-- Uh.

Oh, hello. I have purchased the Springfield YMCA. I plan to tear it down and turn the land into a nature preserve... where I will hunt the deadliest game of all-- Man! Now let's play ball!

Come on, Mom. Let's go. Mom? Are you okay?

And Eugene Fisk-- my poor sucker of an assistant--

Except when that drunken cop started firing at those seagulls. Ah! Get 'em off! Yeah. Yeah, the plan went off without a hitch.

And I'm Edward G. Robinson. Waah!

Do the hustle do the hustle Did you know that disco record sales... were up 400% for the year ending 1976? If these trends continue-- 'EY!

Get out of my way!

(BARKS) (FEEDBACK) (AUDIENCE SPEAKING SPANISH ON TV)

Am I right, folks? Oh, this sucks. Weren't there three Indians last year?

Dad, I had to listen to this jerk all morning. Can we listen to something else? When I'm driving the car, I get to choose the radio station. When you're driving, we'll listen to your radio station. I caN feel saint elmo's fire burnin' in me Oh, I can't take this anymore! Let's switch back.

Ooh, uh, gee, True Believer, uh, Salvador, Onion Field, The Hard Way.

Don't look out the window!

Hey, Dolph, take a memo in your Newton. Beat up Martin. Bah! Yeow! All right, first academic alert: Wiggum, Ralph.

Cool, man. A media circus. Absolutely not. Come on, Marge.

Whew. Superintendent, I hope you're ready for mouthwatering hamburgers. I thought we were having steamed clams. D'oh, no. I said steamed hams. That's what I call hamburgers. You call hamburgers steamed hams?

Say hello to our little genius, Martin, who looks even smarter... in this vest and short pant combination from Mr. Boy of Main Street.

This is great! And all I've done is enter my name-- Thrillhouse! Say, cool dude, can I play too? Uh-- Uh, it's only a one-player game. Then how come it says "second player score"? Mom! Bart's swearing!

Ooh! Lisa, I found a big caramel deposit at the small of her back.

Good evening. Sorry, I had a really big dinner. Whoo! Dinner! But I'm sure one more french fry wouldn't hurt.

Krusty, are you all right? Yes, it's just that saying the Brucha brings back a lot of painful memories. The old days... my... my father.

Hey, a toast to the host who can boast the most roast! Thanks, Flanders. I have to agree that everything certainly-- Huh? Bart! No! What? Sorry. Force of habit. Lisa! No!

Okay, Bart. Your turn, your turn. You got the dud! Hey, he looks just like you, Poindexter!

Come on. Touch of Death! Touch of Death!

"Down with"-- "homework"? Don't look at it, children. His shirt makes a good point. I'm with the shirt! Homework rots! Down with homework! Down with homework!

After evaluating millions of pieces of data in the blink of an eye the Gamble-Tron 2000 says the winner is... Cincinnati by 200 points?! Why, you worthless hunk of junk!

Thanks to you, Lisa-- and our hemp-smoking friend. Shine on, you crazy diamond. Sounds like somebody's living in the past. Contemporize, man! Well, Lisa, as my adviser, you're entitled to 10%.

Observe. A bike lock. Now just turn around and count to three. One, two, three. Uh, better make it five. All right. I got me a bed. Shh! Quiet. You'll wake up old man Simpson.

Not talking, eh, Willie? Just listen then. I think I figured out... what sets off that big ape Francine. Willie? Willie? Whoa!

We asked you not to spit over the side. Howdy, stranger ! I'm Bart Simpson. Who the hell are you ? Ah. Please allow me to introduce myself.

- Two plus two is four. - Two-- Give me my bear, Simpson! It's The Sou-ou-oul Mass Transit System. Give it to me. El yoyÓ es grande. ¡Ay, chihuahua!

Well, I'll just have to find another little girl to be president. What's your friend janey's number? No! Not janey! She'll pack the Supreme Court with boys! Oh, let me help you, George Washington. I still want to help you! I want to help you, George Washington? Even your dreams are square.

(LAUGHING) Bart, stop fooling with the remote!

There's the truth, and the truth!

Release the hounds. Well, neighbor I see you've got your running shoes on. That's a good thing. What's wrong with Crippler?

I know, but-- Wait a minute. I'm Homer Simpson. Ned Flanders lives over there. Oh.

If you can't find metal stucco lath-- Uh-huh? use carbon-fiber stucco lath. Ohh! Now parge the lath. Did you see the bubble? Yeah, I'm afraid the whole west side of your house is sinking.

Meet Maggie Simpson, IQ 167. One sixty-seven! That's amazing for a Christian. But my IQ is only 159. Maggie's more intelligent than me?

Now we need your Ice Man. Oh, no. I could never sell him. He's like a frozen father to me. How much for just the head? By gum, it worked. I've awakened in the future.

Hey, anybody seen Homer today? - Here. - There he goes. Ow! It's not my rhino!

Are you sure this is the casino? I think I should call my manager. Your manager says for you to shut up! Vera said that? Huh. Dad! Mom said she'd be home to help me with my costume.

Oh, my God! I killed the mayor. All right, stay calm. I'll just use the body to stage an elaborate farce À la Weekend at Bernie's and-- Help. Help. His corpse is climbing the building. I'm alive, you idiot.

Action. Kiss me, Diego. But your husband's animals are watching. Where do you think I learned to do this? Mmm. Whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. This movie’s turning into "SpongeBob NoPants.” Cut.

You are highly skilled... at goofing off! Now, don't worry, Homer. You're the kind of guy I could really dig... a grave for! Your indolence is inefficacious! Oh? That means you're terrible!

We've got to run a background check. Five days? But I'm mad now! I'd kill you if I had my gun! Yeah, well, you don't. Lousy big shot. Thinks he's so big 'cause he's got a lot of guns. If he didn't have any guns, I'd show him a thing or two.

You're back with your family now where there's nothing to be afraid of. Except that fog that turns people inside out. Huh? Uh-oh. It's seeping in. Stupid, cheap weather stripping!

Homer, I'm so mad at you. I'll bet you blew up the town just to get out of cleaning the garage. (LAUGHING) Everything's coming up Homer.

His body grew big but his brain stayed small He was tree-choppin' friend-stompin' house-crushin' Paul Me hungee! Time to make Paul's breakfast.

We won! We won!

the s.s. Microwave. Ah, my crÊpes are done. The Doggie Doorman. Good evening, Rex. And Mobilier-- the chandelier for your car.

I have an unorthodox solution-- a fantastic voyage, if you will. Three scientists-- one a beautiful woman-- will be shrunk to microscopic size. They will then rendezvous in Mr. Simpson's lower colon. Ew!

Hardest hit by the blizzard is Springfield's forbidding Widow's Peak. Our own Arnie Pie is on the scene. Everything's snowed in. All I can see is white. Arnie, please. The ski conditions. Mayday, Mayday. I think I'm flying into a mountain. Tell my wife I love-- That's great, Arnie.

I was on P.T. 109 with john F. Kennedy. I was the first to discover his terrible secret. ich bin ein Berliner. He's a Nazi! Get 'im!

Man, that is flagrant false advertising!

And shame on your whole ill-mannered town! Hey, that guy's shaming us. My self-esteem sure didn't need that! (ALL GRUNTING) Ow! JIMBO: Loser! (BOYS GRUNTING) DOLPH: Yeah, get out, shamey.

Mmm, chocolate. D'oh! Mmm, chocolate. D'oh! Marge, we need some more vanilla, chocolate and strawberry ice cream.

And the critics loved it too. I remember Vincent Canby said-- I'm gonna kill you, Homer. You are so dead. Now Chinatown was a classic. But you had problems with the sequel, The Two jakes? Oh, boy. Disappointed? I had the blues like Chasen's had chili.

Thank God we're back in Hollywood, where people treat each other right. Lean on me when you're not strong and I'll be your friend I'll help you Carry on

When you're alone and life is gettin' you lonely Ye can always go Ach! "Doontoon" Next!

"He will not see me stopping here... to watch his woods fill up with snow." Hey, Frosty, you want some snow, man? We discussed this, and I said no. Now, here's a clip from 1973.

Dinner with friends. Dinner alone.

I got you that Danish. And I'll never forget it. Hey, kid. Wow! A big clown hankie. It's a towel, you yutz!

even cynical members of Generation X. Yeah, "groovy."

Captured '60s radical, Mona J. Simpson, goes on trial today on decades-old charges of sabotaging the C. Montgomery Burns Germ Warfare Lab. For those of you too young to remember the '60s, here's our stock montage.

Lay it on me, Coach. In the game of... Mi-am-i Mm-hmm. versus Cin... Cincinnati. cin... Cincinnati. na... Cincinnati. ti... Come on! Don't you realize this is costing me money?

Well, sir, "treason season" started early this year,

Gentlemen, you've both worked very hard. And in a way, you're both winners. But in another more accurate way, Barney is the winner.

D'oh! Me too! Really? I can see I'm gonna love working with you. Well, gotta go. I wanna sneak in a quick nap before lunch. Foul temptress.

We're Cyanide. A loving tribute to Poison. We need a ride home!

Hey, hey, Mr. Burns! Enough already with the germs. Ptooh, their flower power-- it's no match for my glower power. Well, that's some nice glowering, Mr. "B." We'd met the enemy, and it was Montgomery Burns.

Because nobody ever suspects the butterfly. I didn't burn down the school. It was the butterfly, I tell you! The butterfly! He's crazy, boys. Get the Taser.

Which was? I don't know. I guess I was just a horrible son and no mother would want me. Oh, Homie. Come on! You're a sweet, kind, loving man. I'm sure you were a wonderful son. Then why did she leave me? Let's find out.

Welcome, kindergarteners. I'm Principal Sinner-- Skinner. Well, that's it. I've lost them forever. Now I'd like to introduce you to Lunch Lady Doris, who will serve you healthy, nutritious meals. Yeah, right.

Help me! Are you helping me? Or are you going on and on? Oh, right. And, of course, within we find the doomed individual.

Me too. Well, now that the little ones have toddled off to bed-- I want this to end now.

a scrumptious parfait of pudding, pickle brine and detergent... where a writhing pile of kids will grope blindly for hot dogs! Krusty, please! It burns! Oh, just think, Lise. That's our pickle brine burning Sideshow Mel.

"Come to Homer's BBBQ. The extra 'B' is for BYOBB." What's that extra "B" for? That's a typo.

Well, it's a different zoo containing animals you've never heard of. Daddy, we're missing the Fantastapotamus. She only sings twice a day.

Feels like I'm wearing nothin' at all. Quit it!

Yeah. I bet the old people will be acting like young people, like in those cell phone ads everyone hates.

"Mr. Smithers plus guest." Huh. There's only one person I would want to bring. Oh, Mr. Burns, we'll thaw you out... the second they discover the cure for... 17 stab wounds in the back. How are we doing, boys? Well, we're up to 15.

Do you have anything by Robert Ludlum? Get out.

D.M.Y. What's D.M.Y.?

Skinner! (ALL SCREAM) (STUTTERS) Yes, Superintendent Chalmers? Do you know what today is? Today? Yes, of course I do! Happy birthday to you, happy... It not my birthday, Seymour.

Looks like I'm gonna have to baptize you myself.

Aaah! You killed me, Bart!

I gotta call the plant and warn 'em. The fingers you have used to dial are too fat. To obtain a special dialing wand, please mash the keypad with your palm now.

You may choose either the backseat of a Camaro, an airplane bathroom, a friend's wedding... or the alley behind a porno theater. I absolutely refuse to go along with this. But since I have no choice, I'll take the alley.

Homer, what's with you? You're talking during a coffee break. Yeah. Usually you just take the box of doughnuts into the bathroom. Mindy has a motorcycle.

Hans Moleman Productions presents... Man Getting Hit by Football. Ooh! This contest is over. Give that man the $10,000.

Who rigs every Oscar night We do We do Shh! Shut up!

And as for you, I don't know you, but I'm sure you're a jerk! Hey, I've only been here a few minutes. What's going on? You ugly, hate-filled man! Hey-- Hey, I may be ugly and hate-filled, but I've, um-- What was the third thing you said?

Why, you worthless hunk of junk! You want this, don't you?

That comes to... 63 cents. Whoo-hoo! Dad, all that bacon cost $27. Yeah, but your mom paid for that. But doesn't she get her money from you? And I get my money from grease. What's the problem?

Judge Snyder, motion to declare a writ of boys will be boys. Motion granted. Case dismissed! Whoo-hoo!

NO-O-o ! Take me ! I'm old !

Well, Bart, your Uncle Arthur used to have a saying, "Shoot 'em all, and let God sort 'em out." Unfortunately, one day he put his theory into practice. It took 75 federal marshals to bring him down. Now, let's never speak of him again.

It's not all his fault. I blame this latchkey kid. People, people, calm down. Both these kids are total write-offs. I assume you're pressing charges? Because I get paid by the charge. Oh, our courts aren't fit to keep children in line. The only they're good for is telling women what to do with their bodies. What these boys need is adult supervision.

But it's so cheap. Well, let's see what's in the old vacation fund. Homer, you could have just unscrewed the bottom. A little late for "could-haves," Marge. I don't think there's enough here for a vacation. There is for a Mega-Savings vacation.

All right, I think we've heard just about enough from Mr. Newspaper today.

So now we're not eating Homer? And thanks to that little girl, today you can find apples in everything that's good. Apple wine, apple whiskey,

Can't sleep. Clown'll eat me. Can't sleep. Clown'll eat me. Oh, Doctor! We are seconds away... from the hundred-meter butterfly. And with the East German-- women shaving their backs 9,000 miles away, the Americans are heavy favorites.

Looks like those clowns in Congress did it again. What a bunch of clowns. How does he keep up with the news like that?

The pyramids were actually built by Sears.

we sell the parts off Jason Bateman's Bentley. What did you do to my car? Dude, you've been chop shopped! Why would you do that? How am I gonna get home? Chop shop! Chop shop! (ZAPPING)

Psst! The best meat's in the rump.

He was a shameless self-promoter.

Can I top you off, hon? No, thanks. More hash browns, sugar? No, I'm good. This just in. Authorities in Six Toe County are on the lookout for a family of fugitives. They're charged with gatorcide and defrauding an Amtrak snack bar.

Smithers, I'm home! What? Already? Yes. Is it my imagination, or is TV getting worse? Ah, it's about the same. Uh-oh! Look out, Smithers! I love this show.

Oh, Krusty, how could you ? I know it looks very bad, honey. Who knows, maybe it'll turn out he was innocent all along. Earth to Marge. Earth to Marge. I was there. The clown is G-i-L-L-T-Y.

Money problems? Homer, are we in some sort of fiduciary trouble? Oh, Marge, my loyal wife, of course not.

Yeah ! Last one in's the rotten rod ! The rods make the water so hot it boils. Ow ! Ouch ! Ow !

You know what you two need? A little comic strip called Love Is. It's about two naked eight-year-olds who are married.

Why do you need subliminal messages? It's a three-pronged attack. Subliminal, liminal, and super liminal. Super liminal? I'll show you. Hey, you! Join the navy! Uh, yeah, all right. I'm in. Well, now that you know, Lisa, I'm afraid I can't let you leave.

Remove the Stone of Shame. Whoo-hoo! Attach the Stone of Triumph.

Anyhoo, now that I'm your king again-- - Ralph, I thought you were dead. - Nope!

Spare me your lectures, ladies. Aah ! oof ! - Oh, no, he's hurt ! - Bad ! - Let's get outta here !

You're my best friend. You're my best friend. You're my best friend.

and I had to do it without tappa-tappa-tappa. I would have killed for tappa-tappa-tappa. Sorry. I'm just frustrated. Well, you'll never save Grandpa's farm with that attitude. You've just got to turn that frown upside down. That's a smile, not an upside-down frown. Work on that too.

Can't get enough of that Sugar Crisp I'm having a hard time seeing. Homer, did you remember to put the fog lights in? Guess I forgot to put the fog lights in I better pull over and play it safe.

Ernest Cuts the Cheese!

- Good grief. - Oh! My head!

I have to go now. My planet needs me. Wow! Poochie came from another planet? Uh, I guess. Hey, that wasn't supposed to happen! Those finks double-crossed me! Poochie's dead!

Bartron, the evil robot from Mars gone berserk. Do I understand you correctly, Bartron?

Es muy bueno. Oh, it's hopeless. I'll have to play myself.

- Mimosa ? - I'm a married women. Don't call me that. No, no, no, no, no. Mimosa is the name of the drink. It's orange juice and champagne. You're so wonderful that you thought it was something offensive.

Curly 4? I need a quarter for the bus.

Pull over, you maniac. No! Just jump over there, Alec. It's not that far. Yeah, you're a big screen tough guy. Uh, gee, I'd love to, but I'm not really wearing the right shoes. Fine.

we are the champions

Ah. I love these lazy Saturdays. - It's Wednesday, Homer. - Work! Ah.

These animals certainly act different at night.

Dad! Your hand is jammed in the toaster! What? Get it off! Get it off! Get it off of me!

Moe's Tavern. Hold on. I'll check. Uh, hey, everybody. I'm a stupid moron with an ugly face and a big butt... and my butt smells and I like to kiss my own butt. That's a new one! Wait a minute.

Uh, I sleep in a racing car. Do you?

for the obscure T-shirt-producing planet known as Earth.

Homer? In America, first you get the sugar, then you get the power, then you get the women.

Cookie Kwan, Realtor. Number one on the west side. I could move you into a beautiful new home- mine! Sign here. Sign here. Kiss me here. Initial there.

So, "Y" equals "R" cubed over three. And if you determine the rate of change in this curve correctly, I think you will be pleasantly surprised.

Oh, I just got comfortable. Use the bottle. No! I don't want you going in a bottle. That's what hoboes do. Come on, Homer! No! Mom! Oh, geez! Homer, just take him to the bathroom. Fine! I don't know why we even have a bottle! Somebody tell me!

No. Didn't mean to get your hopes up. Oh...

Fine. I'll do it myself.

"Do the message!" So long. I'm gonna sleep over at Ralph's. Oh! See, I knew you'd find something you liked about him. Oh, I found something, all right. After the beep.

I've always been nice to people. I don't drink or dance or swear. I've even kept kosher just to be on the safe side. I've done everything the Bible says! Even the stuff that contradicts the other stuff! What more could I do? I feel like I'm coming apart here.

Take thy beak from out my heart... and take thy form from off my door ! Quoth the Raven: Nevermore. Take thy beak from out my heart and take thy form from off my door. Quoth the Raven: Nevermore.

I hope you know you're sponsoring a celebration for a murderous pirate. A pirate? Well, that's hardly the image we want for Long john Silver's. Well, I see no way of settling this.

Pirates! Are you friendly pirates? Uh, not really, no. Then what have you done with my party guests? They got my bus pass! They got my bus pass! Whoa! They're poking every nook and Cranny-- well, every cranny anyway.

You know, the glory of being a clown. I tell you. It's hard, tiring work. But when I see the smiles on their little faces, I just know they're getting ready to jab me with something.

What's a Tim Conway? Oh, about a 120 pounds. It's the Simpson family smile-time variety hour

All right! Yeah! Cool concert. Am I right?

JJ f Orchestra f

I'm talking about his-- personal area. Aha. Say no more. I read you loud and clear. The old shoulder pads. Look, I want a cup. Cup. Could you spell that?

I want a new drug One that won't make me sick One that won't make me crash my car Or make me feel 3 feet thick

He's the greatest showman since that kid who eats worms. My 15 minutes of fame are over.

You know, in Albania, the unit of currency is called the lek. You gotta be kiddin'. The lek. And the national flag is a two-headed eagle on a red field. Give me the old stars and stripes. And the main export is furious political thought. Political what ? Trans Albanian Airlines, flight number two,

Hello. I'm an electric car. I can't go very fast or very far. And if you drive me, people will think you're gay. One of us! One of us!

What? What is it? Game's out there! Made you look. Ohh! They're just words, Neddie. Words can't hurt you. Ow! That's it! Dad, that was really mean. I know, sweetie. And I got him right in the-- Uh-oh!

Exhausting. It took the children 40 minutes... to locate Canada on the map. Marge, anyone can miss Canada, all tucked away down there.

Hey, hey, kids. (LAUGHS) Heart disease can strike anyone, including heavy-drinking, chain-smoking clowns! That why I had the doctor install a zipper! - Up, down, up, down. Huh? - (WHISTLING) (CHUCKLES) (PANICKED GRUNTS) Ah! The zipper's stuck!

Homer, I need your help. You do ? Yeah. I want you to help me design a car.

Stinks. Piffle. DustBuster? Yech! Sir, I've arranged for the people of Australia... to join hands tonight and spell out your name with candles. There's a satellite hookup on that monitor. If you'll just turn your head slightly-- Bah! No time. Next!

Me in a nuclear power plant. Kaboom !

Ow! Hey, watch those virtual darts! I'm trying to play virtual pool. Ow! Hey, hey! No fighting in my bar!

I've seen teams suck before, but they were the suckiest bunch of sucks that ever sucked.

Uh-- wha-- no. This can't be what it looks like. There's gotta be some other explanation. I wish there was some other explanation for this. But there isn't. I'm a murderer. I'm a murderer! Then that's not the real Ned Flanders. I'm a mur-diddly-urgler!

Ah. Yeah, it's like out of a storybook, ain't it? But he's really grown on me. He's got this insecure, sweaty charm. Oh, yeah, I got that. And he's so thoughtful. Last night he bought all the seats in a movie theater... just so we could have a romantic evening together. Yeah, well,

Folks, we're experiencing... some moderate Godzilla-related turbulence at this time, so I'm gonna go ahead... and ask you to put your seat belts back on.

That's it, Bart. Oh, why can't you be more like, uh, uh--

the Association of News Room Cue Card Holders... Ow. And the United Federation of Theme Park Zombies. Zombie eat brains but zombie cannot swallow this injustice. At the heart of the strike is former student body president, Lisa Simpson. Her brother had this to say.

Outsiders have kidnapped some of our property. We must respond with our deadliest weapon. The lawyers. Go! Go! Go!

The word is "irony." Huh?

watching TV on the couch?

Sing us a song of the Emerald Isle. ...big, fat ass!

You promised to stop watching that telly and take me on holiday. Shut up-a your mouth! Ethnic Mismatch Comedy #644... has been canceled. While we scramble to find new programming, please enjoy this encore presentation of Princess Di's funeral.

Bart, let's stop this stupid rivalry.

Damn this casino!

Hey, Lenny, sending some outgoing mail?

Oh, I'd love to wear this someplace special. Sperlock's Cafeteria it is. What about the symphony or the theater? Oh-- What's the point of going out? We're just gonna wind up back here anyway.

It's not your fault. It's just that you came out the wrong sex and ruined everything. So grow a penis or get lost. (STRAINING) I can't. Buh-bye.

Joe's Crematorium-- You kill 'em, we grill 'em.

(SCREAMS) (BOTH SCREAM) (SCREAMS) Hey, I didn't do anything. Yet. You've wrecked my life! You're gonna wreck my life!

Mom, are those rabbits dead? No. No, Lisa. They're just sleeping... upside down and inside out.

Wait a minute. Capital City has a mascot. The greatest mascot there is-- the Capital City Goofball. Yeah, but he's gettin' on in years... and he needs someone to fill in for a couple innings a night. Could be a big opportunity for ya. I'll say ! Why don't you talk it over with your family ? Because they might say no.

Come on! Give us some candy! Don't pretend you're not home. Dad, that's our house. - She's a witch! - Get her!

It's all my fault. No, it's not. Yes, it is. You tried to warn me about gambling my family's future on some pig in a poke. I didn't listen. Homer, you were a true friend. No, I was a swine.

But, Homer, you have to get rid of that elephant.

Most people would say, "No, of course not. What kind of stupid question is that ?"

You should've majored in not getting fired.

Willie, please! Mr. Van Houten has the floor. I, for one, would like to see the cafeteria menus in advance... so parents can adjust their dinner menus accordingly. I don't like the idea of Milhouse having two spaghetti meals in one day.

Oh, Rhett! Rhett! Oh, Rhett. Where will I go? What'll I do? Frankly, my dear-- I love you. Let's remarry.

This is Becky. She's in the second grade. Hi, Becky. Thanks for coming out. "See ya." He writes the way people talk!

Here. Use my ball. No. No, thank you, Mr., um, Brunswick. Call me jacques. jacques. Marge.

Bart, how come you're not sick? Eh, I gave my oysters to the cat. Hey, why'd you eat 'em? I thought you were a vegetarian. I didn't. I just wanted to leave.

How come you never gave me any encouragement? Maybe I could've been something more than I am, like a travel agent to a great scientist... or the inventor of a hilarious refrigerator alarm. Who are you to complain? You lock me up in a home... and give me the same damn shower-safety seat every Christmas.

(BRAKES SCREECHING) What? Can't we sit on the couch without something happening? D'oh!

Aw, way to go, Ralph.

Take that, Satan. Praise the Lord.

Hmm. Am I wrong, or did it just get fatter in here?

Aah! Run! Mr. Burns will kill us all! Wait. Don't go. Love me!

I'd like to solve the puzzle. "Three loins in the fountain."

I am! I am! We're here! We're queer! We don't want any more bears! We're here! We're queer! We don't want any more bears! Hey, Homer, that's a pretty catchy chant. Where'd you learn it? Oh, I heard it at the mustache parade they have every year.

See you tomorrow, kids! But before I go, I'd just like to say-- Ah, there's nothing better than a cigarette,

This time I'm not gonna touch a thing. Mustn't crush, mustn't kill. Made it! Oh, I wish, I wish I hadn't killed that fish.

Two plus two is four. Two plus two is four. Two plus two is four.

Oh, it's beautiful! Oh! Oh, let's put Bart's beautiful drawing up on the fridge.

And now, to help introduce our fantastic new burger-- the one with ketchup-- here he is, coming in by parachute, Krusty the Clown!

Nobody talks to me that way! I'm Homer Simpson, the most powerful food critic in town, who will never get his comeuppance! You hear me? No comeuppance! We'll be right back.

He's spinning the ball on his finger! just take it! Take the ball! That game was fixed. They were using a freaking ladder, for God's sakes. I am afraid the time has come for you to pay us.

Huh? And he gambles like crazy. I'll call. Three nines. Oh! I almost had a straight! Come to new papa. Hey, what's the deal? We just spliced in some home movies. What do you think?

i know you and your wife and every part of you Son, you wait here while Daddy tries to talk some sense into this raving derelict. Ah, what the hell do you want-- You still owe me $50-- Slow down. Slow down! Alfred Hitchcock stole every idea I ever had! He came into my room and-- Who's been stealing your thoughts?

Bart, children, this whole sordid affair has been a shock to all of us. But we must get on with our lives. Let's try to remember Krusty, not as a hardened criminal, but as that lovable jester who honked his horn and puttered around in his little car.

That's your trick? No. Here's my trick. Hoowah! Whoa! Whoa! Thank you. Marge, come here.

lollipop, lollipop oh, lolly-lollipop lollipop ow!

So many memories.

Prime Minister Tony Blair?

Well, at least it's safer than the old bus. Uh-oh. Time to move. The hole's getting bigger.

He sings like an angel. Oh, jingle bells Batman smells Robin laid an egg The Batmobile broke its wheel The joker got awa--

Here's your first assignment. What the--

Precious Venus.

and the always lovely and vivacious head of Kitty Carlisle. Hi, everybody! Let's start the game! Aah! Bart, it's time to get ready for the show.

Whee! He's gradually getting away, Chief. Ah, let him go. I have a feeling we'll meet again each and every week, always in more sexy and exciting ways.

"The following is a list of words... "I never want to hear on television again. "Number one: bra. "Number two: horny. Number three: family jewels." - Hi, Grandpa ! - Bart, what brings you here ? I need some advice, Grandpa.

Well, the handwriting's on the wall. To stay afloat, this bar is gonna have to go queer. You mean it's not? Oh. Wrong again, Gay Guide to Springfield.

AlOha, oi Aloha, oi

And that's what really happened. This is an outrage! I am not a clumsy Clouseau-esque waiter! I will-- Whoa! Whoo! Whoo! Ooh! Ow! Ow! Ow! At least there were no big ones. Ay.

Is that normal? Yeah, he's just playing Wiggle Puppy. That's a dog he made up who flies by waggin' his tail. I tell you, that dog has had some amazing adventures. Well, Ralph certainly has a lot of imagination.

I, uh, don't think this contest is over yet, Buzz, if that is your real name. I believe there is still a little something called the swimsuit competition.

Homer Simpson doesn't say "B'oh." He says--

All right, Homer. We want you to re-create your every move the night you saw this alien. Well, the evening began at the gentlemen's club... where we were discussing Wittgenstein over a game of backgammon. Mr. Simpson, it's a felony to lie to the F.B.I.

Sure you can. Bunch of no-good do-gooders. Hang in there, Max. Saving the environment is a hard, grueling job. That's what I'm saying. See, Marge? This guy gets it.

Bart's making faces at me. It's a nervous twitch, and I'm sensitive about it if you don't mind. Mom, he's doing it again! Bart, quit it. Quit it! Hey, quit it, quit it, quit it. Mom!! Get... out!

Huh? Great news, everyone. Goliath is dead! Although I haven't seen his body, the blast that failed to kill me surely killed the giant.

That's all right, son.

Team sports will keep you away from temptations like rock music and girls.

He painted a unicorn in outer space. I'm asking you. What's it breathing? Air. Ain't no air in space. There's an air and space museum. Oh, God! My back!

Ow! Sorry, Ned. I didn't see you down there!

just as soon as I get a cocktail dress and a crowbar. Bartina, until I met you, I was the loneliest warden in the penal system. Fresh. Oh, down I go.

It's bringing love! Don't let it get away! Break its legs! Wait! You want an alien? This is your alien! Hello, children. I bring you love.

A'four-- In the navy, yes, you can sail the seven seas in the navy yes, you can puT your mind at ease in the navy Come on, people and make A stand in the nAvy in the navy in the navy come on protect the motherland

Ned, did you clip Ann Landers today? - Ann Landers is a boring old biddy. - Ned! I was more animal than man! My name is Otto.

Hello ? Simpson, this is Sylvia Winfield.

You know how bashful I am. I can't even say the word "titmouse"...

Whoa ! Hey, cool, man ! Our lives have taken an odd turn. Did the team ask you to dress like that, Homer ? Nope, this was my own bright idea. Come on, we gotta hurry. Don't fill up on those vegetables, kids. Save room for your nachos. All right ! Mmm.

These are Homer's friends and family. They dont want him dead. They just want him to suffer. Thank you, Lord. Once I kill you, everyone will think I'm the real Homer.

She says you're a bad influence. Bad influence, my butt!

You hit her pretty hard there, Rick.

I'd like the Department of Missing Babies. Please hold. Baby, come back listen, baby you can blame it all on me I was wrong, and I just can't live without you...

until one fateful Sunday in November...

Let's see him track me now.

Well, if you wanted people to love you, you sure blew it with that insane rampage. But you know what? To be loved, you have to be nice to people... every day. But to be hated, you don't have to do squat.

Todd, would you like mixed vegetables? Hell no. What did you say? I don't want any damn vegetables. All right. No Bible stories for you tonight. Weren't you a little hard on him?

Ptooh, their flower power-- it's no match for my glower power. Well, that's some nice glowering, Mr. "B." We'd met the enemy, and it was Montgomery Burns.

I told you no one ever came here. So, Bob, where do we stand on Springfield Forest? Do I get my logging permit? Well, let me put it this way, jerry. Timber!

Got to go, Moe. Tough luck. Aaaaaaaahhh! Holy cow, you just fell on Aerosmith!

Be there and be square.

Don't look out the window! Cops! Everybody split up!

Wow! I had mustard?

Ah. And now to read my fortune. "Geese can be troublesome." What the hell is that supposed to mean? Oh, fortune means geese cause problems. Well, I knew that before I came in here. A guy outside told me that. "Every house has a bathroom."

I'd like to get down now.

but I got a hankering for some-- That's right. Don't forget the applesauce. Okay, Homer, pick out any one you want. Are you sure you want to give me a car ? Hey, you know what these things cost me ? There's maybe forty bucks worth of steel in 'em.

Now, Witness X would you please tell the court what you saw? I'd be more than happy to. I saw Mr. Montone there seal Mr. Palaccio in an oil drum and roll him off the pier. I kill you! Ay, caramba!

(SOBS) Even the Applause-O-Meter is crying. Oh, God! That's battery acid! (SCREAMS) Dad, you know, the best part about this whole thing has been the time we've spent together.

Homercles cares not for beans.

Cowabunga, dudes.

First of all my real name isn't Krusty the Clown. It's Herschel Krustofski. My father was a rabbi. His father was a rabbi. His father's father...

Oh, my goodness! Ow! My freakin' ears! Oh, let's go, dear. Well, I expect that type of language at Denny's, but not here! Aw, come on, folks, wait. Please come back. Please! I got a new offer. Whenever Uncle Moe threatens you, you get a free steak-fish.

You don't want to sit with the rest of the scum. - I only consider you scum compared to Krusty. - Well, right.

Missed one, Dad. See you in hell, dinner plate.

he strikes the same rib twice in succession, yet he produces two clearly different tones. I mean, what are we-- to believe that this is some sort of a-- a magic xylophone or something? Boy, I really hope somebody got fired for that blunder. Uh, well, uh-- I'll field this one. Let me ask you a question.

Maybe I'll wear my hair... up.

Albuquerque! He's right! Yeah! And the wrapper says "Albuquerque Isotopes"! Homer was right! They're planning to move the team! Now, now, now, now, see here, people. Let's not be too hasty. Tell the truth! Come on, everybody!

Surprise? What surprise? (BLOWING HORNS) (ALL GROAN) Way to go, Homer. Ugh! That's six years planning down the drain! I'm sorry. I'll just sit over here until you stop being mad at me. Oh, great, Homer! I bake a cake shaped like Lenny's favorite barstool, and you wreck it!

I'm pretty sure I can struggle my way out. First, I'll just reach in and pull my legs out. Now I'll pull my arms out with my face. Mm. - Dad! - Homie! Stampy, quick! Pull him out!

My eyes! My beautiful eyes!

Oh, I knew you'd come to your-- Here. If you have any soul left, you'll need these. I know I will.

I want to register to run for sanitation commissioner. And tell the fat cats upstairs things are gonna change in this town! Okay. But this is where you register as a sex offender.

Ohhh, what the hell? Muuuah! Seven, six-- five, four, three, two, one--

Oh, what a day. Maybe the headlines will cheer me up. That's opinion, not news!

The Simpsons' amazing journey began here... in the bustling heartland town of Springfield. On this unassuming street, two nobodies... named Homer and Marge Simpson settled down to raise a family. First came baby Bart. Then, Lisa Simpson.

Homer, why are you laughing?

Hurry up, boys. We've gotta get these toy poodles to the pet shop. All right, Fat Tony, your little game is over! Hey, how'd you find us? One of these ferrets is wearin' a wire. You're not a pet and you're not a friend.

Come on, jimmy. Let's take a peek at the killing floor. Don't let the name throw you, jimmy. It's not really a floor. It's more of a steel grating... that allows material to sluice through so it can be collected and exported.

Homer, no! Aaah! A hungry, hungry hippo. Aaah! Help! Kitenge! Now, Simpsons! Run for it.

Ahh, ballet. Hee-hee-hee. All right. Whoo-hoo! Yea! Yeah!

The script originally called for me to jump the gorge. But I'd been up all night paying people to kiss, so Dad volunteered to do the stunt. Everything was going great at first. I felt like I was king of the world. I'm king of the world! Whoo-hoo! Whoo-hoo!

You a winner! Ha-ha-ha! You a winner! Ha-ha-ha! You a winner! Ha-ha-ha!

You put the beer in the coconut and drink it all up you put the beer in the coconut and throw the can away Homer! You throw the can away I said, Homer! You throw thE can away Marge, I'm out of beer!

Well, I can fantasize too! Hmm. Woo! Mama Celeste. You touch me and I cut you! Oh. Homer, I'll tell you what I told Redford. It ain't gonna happen.

And poor Ned didn't get a chance to say good-bye. Well, from now on, I'm never gonna let you leave the room... without telling you how much I love you, and how truly special--

The wars of the future... will not be fought on a battlefield or at sea. They will be fought in space. Or possibly on top of a very tall mountain. In either case, most of the actual fighting will be done by small robots. And as you go forth today, remember always your duty is clear--

This reporter suggested "Waitergate," but was shouted down at the press club.

I say Phantom Menace sucked more! I say Attack of the Clones sucked more!

I have a question for Apu de BeaumarchÉ. Isn't it true that you're really an Indian? By the many arms of Vishnu, I swear it is a lie.

What the hell was that?

We'll get the Simpsons a present. An extravagant present. A mad, unthinkable, utterly impossible present. A frabulous, grabulous, zip-zoop-zabulous present !

Let the initiation begin. All Stonecutters must take the Leap of Faith. If you survive this five-story plunge, your character will be proven. Happy landings!

I want to buy a pony.

Smithers, I'm home! What? Already? Yes. Is it my imagination, or is TV getting worse?

Hello, gas company? How poisonous is your gas? Wow. Bu-- Eh-- But I'm talking about, you know, outdoors with plenty of ventilation. That-- How could that be worse? Okay, permanent brain damage or just temporary? I see.

Bart! (LAUGHING) (CHOKING) Why can't you be friends like me and Mr. Finger?

Allowance day. Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. You don't deserve an allowance. Sure we do. Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. Ice-cream man! Ice-cream man!

Good Lord! He's going to fire! All right! Scud the school, dude! No, stop. Think of the children.

Cool! Yeah, I know I'm on. But I don't care. I don't read the news until I get my Danish. Go ahead. Try to find a replacement. Aah! A powerful tidal wave in Kuala Lumpur has killed 120 people.

And another thing: when people come up to me and say, "Hey, little buddy." And hit me over the head with a hat? That's not funny. That hurts! Stop laughing at me!

Sometimes I think you want to fail! Shut up. just shut up! We used to eat this when my dad was stationed in "Vandihar." Take your kafta b'Sounieh and dip it in the labneh.

Or you could take something that already exists and find a new use for it. Like-- Hamburger earmuffs! Uh, well, I suppose that would qualify-- Thanks, sucker! All right. just stay calm, Frinky. These babies will be in the stores...

Now that we're all alone, Marge, admit it. - You like Lisa best. - No! - Oh, so you're a Bart woman, are you? - No. Well, you can't possibly like Maggie best. What has she ever done? Nothin' for nobody.

For the love of God, sir! There are two seats! I like to put my feet up.

But first, a man whose inspiring battle with Percodan addiction... is soon to be a movie of the week-- Krusty the Clown! I'll be played by jimmy Smits. Now he faces his toughest audience-- three Siberian tigers.

Oh! Why did I have to stop at the railroad tracks? Better get Some change. It's okay. It's okay. I'm back. See? Daddy's here. Come on, Maggie. Maybe if you just squeeze a little.

Well, I'll just have to find another little girl to be president. What's your friend janey's number? No! Not janey! She'll pack the Supreme Court with boys!

Welcome, kindergarteners. I'm Principal Sinner-- Skinner. Well, that's it. I've lost them forever. Now I'd like to introduce you to Lunch Lady Doris, who will serve you healthy, nutritious meals. Yeah, right.

May I upload your footage onto my website? Well, sir, I don't believe we've ever met. My name is Jeff Albertson. But everyone calls me Comic Book Guy. Well, I'll just call you "friend." Here's your tape, friend.

Attention on deck! Captain Tennille wishes to address you.

To pass the time, please enjoy this novelty pen. Why would I want to look at a pen with a-- Oh, no! Her clothes are coming off! Hey, you know who would love this? Men.

Our foreign exchange student Uter has chosen Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. I-- But this is just an empty box. I begged you to look at mine first. I begged you.

This was a really nice night, Homer. Yeah, yeah. - What's wrong? - Oh, yeah. Like you don't know. - We're gonna have sex. - Oh. Well, we don't have to.

Why, you little-- Uh-oh ! Now I got ya ! Aah ! Aah ! Boy must die ! I love you, Dad ! Doh ! Dirty trick. Okay, I'm not gonna kill you, but I'm gonna tell you three things that are gonna haunt you for the rest of your days.

Maybe I'll just stay and work overtime. My sisters-in-law are at my house again.

Right on, sister ! Let the destruction begin ! Hey, they forgot my corn dog !

Lady, this better be good.

CompuGlobalHyperMeganet. junior vice president Homer Simpson speaking. How may I direct your call? It's Patty.

Nine hundred dollari-doos?

Homer, at least come out and say hello. No. No, no. No. Oh, no. Oh, come on. You liked john this morning. No. I'm not setting foot outside this house until that man is gone.

Well, off to the plant, then to the Duff Brewery. Uh-oh. Did I say that or just think it? I gotta think of a line fast. Homer, are you going to the Duff Brewery?

Run across! I'm sorry.

Ye-- You know, the-- One thing I should-- - Excuse me for one second. - Of course. Well, that was wonderful. A good time was had by all. I'm pooped. Yes. I should be-- Good Lord! What is happening in there?

he heard Of singers like beatles the chipmunks he'd seen on tv... Why not A little Spanish fleA? and so he... Tonight the city weeps as for the first time ever a hockey arena becomes the scene of violence following a concert by Spinal Tap.

Scum, freezebag!

Come to Homercles! I can't. The beans will burn. Homercles cares not for beans. Oh! Hi, kids. How was Duff Gardens? Can't talk. Comin' down.

When are you going to wake up and smell your husband, Marge? Granted, you got some kids out of him. But when the seeds have been planted, you throw away the envelope. I wish you wouldn't put Homer down like that. He may not be a big success like you, but I can always count on him to provide for the family.

Well, as a souvenir of your visit, you can each help yourself to one piece of undeliverable mail. I'll take you. I got some dog food! I got my letter to Santa.

A noble spirit "embiggens" the smallest man.

What the hell is that?

It's america's funniest tornadoes. Ooh! And at 9:30, All in the Family 1999. Oh, geez there. They got me livin' with an African-American, a Semite-American and a woman-American there! And I'm glad! I love youse all!

I never had one. No Bar Mitzvah? In the eyes of God and the Springfield Jewish Walk of Fame Committee, you are not a Jewish man! Now see here! Do you know how much I donate to the B'nai B'rith? Actually, I do. Goodbye.

People of Earth, this is Bartron-- commander of the Martian invasion force. Your planet is in our hands. Resistance is useless. We have captured your president. He was delicious. Why, you little... Wait A minute.

I can taste that get-together now. Hey! I was holding that. Next time I'll knock your hat off, scab.

What the-- Hey, they just ran into the house. That Homer fella grifted you good, Dad. Well, there's no shame in bein' beaten by the best. But he didn't seem all that-- We were beaten by the best, boy.

But in real life Santa would be suffering from gall stones hypertension, impotence, and diabetes.

Oh! I've killed her! It's all happening again! Mm-hmm. Help me! Help me! Mmm! It's cran-tastic!

Now I'm gonna grab me somethin' sweet. No, Mr. Simpson. That's sexual harassment. If you keep it up, I'll yell so loud, the whole country'll hear. With a man in the White House? Not likely.

Punishment? Well, a mere apology would be a bit empty, eh? Let the booting begin! Booting? Oh, it's just a little kick in the bum. Yuh-oh.

Look. He's fitting right now.

Why me, Lord? Where have I gone wrong? I've always been nice to people. I don't drink or dance or swear. I've even kept kosher just to be on the safe side. I've done everything the Bible says! Even the stuff that contradicts the other stuff! What more could I do?

Teacher, my shoes are making noise. You must be Ralph. My daddy shoots people. Good. Good. Wait a minute. Somebody's off the beat. Let me hear you two. Okay, now you.

Hot stuff comin' through.

It's brilliant. Savagely honest, tender. He has the soul of a poet. You're very kind. Excuse me. Did something crawl down your throat and die? It didn't die. My name is Barney, and I'm an alcoholic.

Hey. Marge, I can't feel my legs. - I can't feel my legs! - Homer! Homer, those legs belong to the man behind you. Hi.

Wait a minute. I know where we're going. Oh, it's horrible! Oh, it's even boring to fly over it!

And this is the snack holder where I can put my beverage or, if you will, cupcake. Wow, Dad. You really know your monorails. Homer, there's a family of possums in here. I call the big one Bitey. I'm going to see Mr. Lanley.

Who's this? The Debbie Pinson, who was the homecoming queen in high school? Yes, I'm still available. No, he's not! Marge, that was Debbie Pinson! Debbie Pinson! No dating!

We were putting in an onboard something-or-other... and rack and peanut steering. - Homer. - Huh ? You didn't ask for rack and pinion steering, did you ? Uh, yeah, I think I did. How could you ask for it ? You don't even know what it is. You just called it rack and peanut steering. May I be excused ?

I'm not dead-- And neither is my sense of moral outrage.

Aw, no! The corn! Paul Newman's gonna have my legs broke. Bart and Lisa have to go to school...

Well, john, what did you think of tonight's episode? I loved it. The last-minute addition of Wally Kogen to the lineup... was a bit of a gamble, but it really paid off. Marge and Lisa painting eggs-- did that work for you? Oh, big-time! They came off the bench with a huge effort... that allowed Homer and Bart to make some significant gains.

A tombstone? It came with the burial plot. But that's not important. The important thing is Homer is dead. We've been saving for this since your wedding day. Get out of here, you ghouls! Ayayayaya! Hmm?

That's Bart's ring! "Todd Smells." Oh, I already knew that. Look at the other side.

Ooh! Stomach churning! Bowels clenching. Not much time. Must finish.

She's such a butthole.

Dinner's on, dogs! I'm sorry, kids. I don't think we're ever gonna find your greyhounds. Maybe Mr. Burns will sell you one of the 25 he got last night.

Mister Seltzer? Setzer. No, I think it's Seltzer. What is it, Homer?

Aha! I had a feeling we'd find you here. Chief, no! What'd you do that for? Well, the thing's been driving the whole town nuts. Got me out of the bath seven times-- seven.

Are you losing your hearing, or are you just stupid ? I am going to explain this to you one more time, and then I'm going to hang up on you. It is not my dog ! I tied my dog outside myself ! I am looking at him right-- Doh !

I-- I don't understand. Are you saying you and Barbara are bad neighbors? No! That's not Bar and me. It's them. Who? Maude and me? No! The man and his boy. You know, the-- the boy is named Bart. I don't know the name of the man. Bar! What's the name of the man?

Is your knee really gross under there? See for yourself. Ew! Can I touch it? Sure. Go for the gusto. It's healing over my hand. It knows you're afraid.

Six queens. Read 'em and weep. Not so fast. Seven queens.

Um, I run my own business, of course.

Kids, your daddy and his daddy are involved in a very... sticky, nutty, chewy, chocolaty-- Put it away, boy! Situation. And your daddy has realized something very important. A father should always make his kids feel wanted. Starting right now, I promise to spend a lot more time with you...

Give us the money! Elmo knows where you live.

Cheer up, Homer. ts only rock-and-roll camp. But I like it.

Auditions will be tomorrow at my estate. And now, our feature presentation. Oh, for-- Oh, very well. Let's all go to the lobby Let's all go to the lobby Let's all go to the lobby Get ourselves some snacks

Nothing is going to happen, Mom! I hate to disappoint you, but the world is not coming to an end.

Bart, what are you watching? Kids' show. Tookie, tookie, tookie Tookie, tookie--

Kids, would you step outside for a second? F-- Dear Lord! That's the loudest profanity I've ever heard. These fumes aren't as fun as beer. Sure, I'm all dizzy and nauseous,

Presenting Princess Kashmir, queen of the mysterious East.

It's no use. I guess I'll have to leave all my money to the Egg Advisory Council. Eggs have gotten quite a bad rap lately, you know, Smithers.

Well, Edna, for a school with no Asian kids, I think we put on a pretty darn good science fair. It--

Bases loaded, two out. The good guys trail by a run. S... P... R... I... N... G... F... E... E... L... D ! Springfield !

Flintstones chewable morphine.

my... my father.

Dancing, dancing, dancing

Something new, something exciting, something mid-1980s.

Splendid, Batsy. You've done it again.

Bob, one of my fillings fell out. Even murder has its ugly side. Bob, would you mind rubbing my feet? Darling, you make it sound like a chore.

Oh, Princess fair, whilst thou grant me thine dainty hoof in marriage? Oh, Sir Liesalot, I will! Mmm. Unhand the swine, you swain. Come, Piggy. Back to Hamelot. Not now, frog. Me and iron-Pants are just getting acquainted.

Blah-blah-blah, bling-bling-bling-blah. Hey, egghead! Sing "fair Harvard." Fair Harvard, I-- You, sir, have the boorish manners of a Yalie! Here's A witty rejoinder For ya!

That can't be true, honey. If it were, I'd be terrified. Eight, seven, six-- We want to thank Dixie brand mayonnaise. Whoo, Lordy, what a mayonnaise! Three, two-- That's Homer Simpson's computer. Oh, God! It's spreading!

Funzo's soft and cuddly. With lots of firepower. Ow. Yes! Ha-ha! Funzo! Funzo! Funzo!

Why you little-- Why you big--

These things happen. Eight dollars.

Daddy, ask the man for some candy. No, no. No candy for you. Well, at least get some candy for yourself. Kids. Here's your candy. So long, sucker!

I don't know, Dad. Don't you have a better picture? Relax. A photo can't make any difference. He looks crazy. Agreed. Reading his essay would only waste valuable seconds.

This briefcase and this haircut.

A lot of people think our dad's behavior has screwed us up-- and it has. But it's all worth it just to hear him sing. Shavin' my shoulders I'm gettin' it all shaved off

The Catholic Church-- we've made a few changes.

Aaaaaaaahhh! Holy cow, you just fell on Aerosmith!

Mom, we're having a geography pageant at school, and I don't know which state to go as. In honor of legalized gambling, why not go as the state of Nevada? No. Nevada makes my butt look big. Then how 'bout going as Florida? You enjoy orange juice. Old people like you.

Uh, eh, could I just ask you a question? Did you-- Huh! Did you believe that? I mean, the way I gave you the change? Did I sound like a real Kwik-E-Mart, you know, kinda guy? Actually, I thought it was a little labored. Oh. You gotta lose yourself in the moment, man.

Oh, don't worry, Marge. Her idea of wit is nothing more than an incisive observation... humorously phrased and delivered with impeccable timing.

I'd like to thank you for stopping the killer robots. And to show my appreciation, here are two free passes. But there are five of us. Here are two free passes. - That's better. - Man, if this is happening here,

Hey, jimbo, keeping your nose clean, dude? Hey, Donna, who loves you, baby? Not in my hall, bub.

Hey, it's Krusty. I need you to get me out of another jam. I picked up this chick last night. At least I thought she was a chick. Showbiz is so fascinating.

Yeah. Oh, yeah ? Yeah. Yeah !

Mmm. Salty. Homer! Are you stealing Squishies? No, sir.

(GRUNTS) (HUMMING) Huh? (SNORING) Hey, cat, get your own pants! (GRUNTS) Kids! Why's the cat so fat? Dad, Snowball's not fat. She's just got winter fur. (GRUNTS) Okay, she's fat.

Cheer up, Homie. I feel terrible about getting Mr. Smithers fired.

Touch the stove.

Table for one. Oh, you miss your friend, huh? Don't you worry. My cooking, she'll-a cheer you up. Hey, Salvatore, give-a the ugly kid a plate of the red crap!

Hello, children. Whom do you love ? Sideshow Bob ! Come on, Bart. Go with the flow. How much do you love me ? With all our hearts ! About a zillionth as much as I love Krusty.

He's right. We've been wasting our lives. The hell with cartoons. I'm gonna do what i've always dreamed of. I'm gonna write that sitcom about the sassy robot.

Oh, Bart, that's so sweet.

Where have you been? Playing with Milhouse. No, you haven't! You've been out gallivanting around... with that floozy of a bigger brother of yours! Haven't you? Haven't you? Look at me! Dad, it just kind of happened. You're taking this too hard.

This is the scraper, this is the poker... and this happy little fellow is the gouger. Now, the first thing I'll be doing... is chiseling some teeth out of your jawbone. Hold still while I gas you.

You can have the shower to yourself, Homie. I'm finished. Oh, no, you're not. Ohh!

Then you'd better not look at me. Homer, where did you get that suit? A friend bought it for me. Was it Lurleen? No. I think it was Lenny. Don't lie to me. Are you having an affair? No! Have you kissed her? No! - Has she kissed you? - Couple of times.

Hmm. Really makes you think. What does that even mean?

Good Lord! My Stormin' Norman commemorative plates stolen! Again.

I'll check Variety. Wow. Look at that ad. All right, this place must be hot. They don't need a big ad, or even correct spelling. I agree with that logic.

You bet your sweet bippy.

we're having ribs. Oh. Oh. Uh-oh. I need a bib. If I slop any on my shirt, I could lose the respect of my beloved brethren.

Here's the grapes, and here's the wrath. Ew! Ha-ha! Yes, yes. Very good wrath. Ah, let's see. Our foreign exchange student Uter has chosen Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. I-- But this is just an empty box.

I wish our special guest, Tim Conway, didn't have to leave so soon. I'm still here. Fox wouldn't spring for a decent hotel room.

Now let's hear it for a great American-- former President Gerald Ford. Thank you, Krusty, for inviting me. - Well, all the good presidents turned us down. - Oh, well. I'd like to talk about a subject... that is very important to me.

Whoa, easy there, partner. (GROANING) Uh-oh. You killed him. He was my world.

Good going, son. But remember-- Most lynch mobs aren't this nice.

Listen, lady-- Don't call me "lady." My name is Marge Simpson.

Oh, dear God! Principal Skinner! We're snowed in! We're trapped in the school! We're gonna miss Christmas! I fixed the DVD.

On the closing day the escrow agents pay taxes, liens and interest too thanks to Fanny Mae they back Your bank you're all nuts.

joker. You were supposed to take those out of the deck. Oh, sorry. Here's another one. What is this card? "Rules for Draw and Stud Poker?" What a pity, Mr. Bond. But-- Well, it was Homer's fault. I didn't lose. I never lose. Well, at least tell me the details of your plot for world domination. I'm not going to fall for that one again.

Dad, how drunk are you? Not very! You’re going down, Homer. Then back up. Then down. Then back up again. That's how the game is played. I cant count how many times your father's done something crazy like this. ts 300, Mom. - I could’ve sworn it was 302. - Shh.

It's not your fault. It's just that you came out the wrong sex and ruined everything. So grow a penis or get lost. (STRAINING) I can't. Buh-bye. Well, why can't your heir be female?

Have you ever seen a kung fu movie ? It was just like that. But now I know her moves. So, if you're listening to me, lady, you'd better think long and hard before trying something like this on Homer Simpson again !

Shh! Don't shush me, you rich bastard!

than a NASA relief map of Turkmenistan. Isn't that the voice that caused all those suicides?

Not the face! Ah, they'll be chewing on him for a while. ¡Ay, Ay, Ay! ¡La policÍA!

Death stalks you at every turn. Grampa! Well, it does. Death! There it is! Death! It's only Maggie. Oh, yeah. You know, at my age, the mind starts playing tricks. So-- Aah! Death! That's only the cat.

Shut up! Shut up! We better check with a doctor. Welcome to Virtual Doctor. From the makers of Dragon Quest and SimSandwich.

I don't know, Lise. To be honest, that verdict made me pretty angry. Bart's with us, law girl. Step aside. Hey, man. Leave my sister alone! Oh, so you're one of them. So be it. Kill the dorks!

I’ve been around Scotsmen.

to talk about Farmer Dan's pure pork sausage. Mm-mmm!

just a second. You gotta take a Breathalyzer test before I let you drive home. Uh, I guess I'll walk home.

You know, I defy anyone to tell the difference... between these doughnuts and ones baked today. My boy's supposed to be here any second on a field trip. They been through here yet ?

Do you want to see Elvis kiss a bat? (MIMICKING ELVIS PRESLEY) Hey, baby, come here. I want to kiss you. (KISSING) Squeak, squeak! No, don't kiss me.

Hi, Homie. It's really starting to snow. I think you should come home. But, Marge, Alan Thicke is throwing knives at Ricardo Montalban. Ow. Sorry, Ricardo. Take it easy, folks. It's "snow" picnic out there. I "snow" what you mean. You're deadweight, Marty.

Oh, thank God! Now let's talk rustproofing. These Colecos will rust up on you like that. Shut up, Gil. Close the deal. Close the deal.

You did this, Bart Simpson! The man knows quality work. This time you're in for it, Bart.

Safe and sound. Oh, that's better. Oh, thank God I'm outta matches. Oh, no. Here's another one.

Look what you've done. You wanted to be popular. Now you're the most hated boy in town.

Sorry, pal. Doh !

Oh, you have got to be kidding, sir. First you think of an idea that has already been done. Then you give it a title that nobody could possibly like. Didn't you think this through? ...on the best-seller list for 18 months! Every magazine cover had it! ...most popular movies of all time, sir! What were you thinking? I mean, thank you. Come again.

Look, there's only one reasonable way to settle this-- rock, paper, scissors. Poor, predictable Bart. Always takes rock. Good old rock. Nothing beats that. - Rock. - Paper. D'oh!

- Ooh-ooh! - There she is. There she is, the world's first convenience store. This isn't very convenient. Must you dump on everything we do?

I'd like to commit myself. Very well. Shall I show you to your room, or would you prefer... to be dragged off kicking and screaming? Ooh, kicking and screaming, please. As you wish. Noooooo!

All right, time for a family meeting. Why can't we have a meeting when you're watching TV ?

So, Lisa, do you have a date for the Harvest Dance? This is not a good time. It's never a good time.

You could flash-fry a buffalo in 40 seconds. Forty seconds? But I want it now!

Besides, if we wanna see Japanese people, - we could have gone to the zoo. - Homer! What? The guy who washes the elephants is japanese. His name is Takashi. He's in my book club.

Marge, I-- Damn it, where's that card? What card? I wrote down what I was going to say on a card. Stupid thing must have fallen out of my pocket. Is this it? What's it say?

Maggie, can you point to the monkey? What do babies know? Maggie, can you point to the credenza? D'oh! Homer, you didn't do... a very good job frosting Maggie's birthday cake.

This is Dick Clark, rockin' down to the year 2000. And that was Whitesnake.

Bed goes up. Bed goes down. Bed goes up. Bed goes down. Homer Simpson! Well, if that don't put the "dink" in co-inky-dink. Flanders, what are you doin' here?

And now, are you adequately prepared to rock?

Right about here I realize something's wrong. Yep. There I go. Then came the rocks-- jagged rocks, hitting me with their jags. The sequence became an instant comedy classic. But what the audience didn't see was the unfunny aftermath.

I'll get your coat. No! No what? I don't wanna turn out that way. What way, angel pie? Like you!

Well, here we are.

Because you need me, Springfield. Your guilty conscience may force you to vote Democratic. But deep down inside, you secretly long... for a coldhearted Republican to lower taxes, brutalize criminals... and rule you like a king! That's why I did this-- to protect you from yourselves!

K-ZMB-- All-zombie radio.

Out of my way, jerk-ass!

Ninety-seven, 98, 99, 100! (CHEERING) Thank you. Vote for me for best in show.

Maybe Bob Dole should run. Bob Dole thinks Bob Dole should. Actually, Bob Dole just likes to hear Bob Dole talk about Bob Dole. Bob Dole!

Darling, you're so much "handsomer" than my first husband. I may have the looks, but he's the trophy husband. He thought that trip to the guillotine factory was just for fun, but it was the perfect place to shoot him.

When I get through with that flag, it's gonna be a Bart-mangled banner.

Bart, I'm going to get you-- some ice cream at the store... since I'm saving so much money on diet cola. Say your prayers, Simpson.

I'm just passionate, like all us Greeks. No, you're angry. Look, you're punching the cat right now. Oh, I am-- Oh, my gosh, you're right! I'm a rage-aholic. I just can't live without rage-ahol!

Hey, that's my washcloth. The hell it is! - Give me that! Let go! - Give me that thing! I want it! Stop this madness. It's just a washcloth. Besides, it's mine. Yoink! Hey, she's getting away with the washcloth. Head her off at the stairs! Bart, you go around that way and cut her off!

Many interesting and important things have been put into boxes over the years. Textiles, other boxes, even children's candy. Do any of these boxes have candy in 'em? No. Will they ever? No. We only make boxes to ship nails.

Why must life be so hard? Why must I fail in every attempt at masonry? How's your father's project coming along? I think he's almost done. Yeah, he's done.

Hey, what's goin' on? Hey, this thing's cuttin' off my air! Oh! What are you doing to me? I said start it at 60 r.p.m., then move it up to 100 on the skirt blow! - Sorry, Krusty, I choked. - You choked? You choked?

Look at that! I'm the first non-Brazilian person to travel backwards through time. Correction, Homer. You're the second. That's right, Mr. Peabody. Quiet, you.

Lisa, her teeth are big and green Lisa, she smells like gasoline Lisa, da-da-da Disa she is my sist-a her birthday, I missed-a. Uh, no. Bart, we've got to get to your real feelings about your sister.

Oh, hi. I'm Troy McClure. You might remember me from such self-help videos as... Smoke Yourself Thin and Get Confident, Stupid.

They must be exterminated as quickly and gruesomely as possible.

He can talk! He can talk! I can sing

It's a three-pronged attack. Subliminal, liminal, and super liminal. Super liminal? I'll show you. Hey, you! Join the navy! Uh, yeah, all right. I'm in. Well, now that you know, Lisa, I'm afraid I can't let you leave. Oh.

Okay, let's see if we've learned anything. I want you two to simulate a typical household problem. Go. Uh, Pa, I cut myself on the screen door again. Why, you cotton-pickin'--

Relax. It's just a simulator. Nothing can go wrong. Just poke blindly at the controls until they let you go. Oh! Ohh! Oh, no. No! This can't be happening!

Bart ! Stop Fighting with your sister ! She took my glue ! Uh ! It's not yours, Bart ! This is family glue ! Stop it, you two ! This is Thanksgiving !

No, my son is also named Bort.

Wait a minute. Those are yours, sir? Yes. I am in flavor country. Both of them? It's a big country. Ladies, I apologize. And you, sir, are worse than Hitler.

Good evening. I've been asked to tell you... that the following show is very scary, with stuff that might give your kids nightmares.

Well, the kids have to learn about Tek War sooner or later. Go away, Bart. This is not a good time. I saw you two fighting.

Great material. We'll be right back. Sit perfectly still. Only I may dance. "just do the line." "just do the line."

A hush falls over the general assembly... as Stacy approaches the podium... to deliver what will no doubt be a stirring and memorable address. I wish they taught shopping in school! Ohh. Let's bake some cookies for the boys!

on one condition-- you must resign as head of the union. Whoo-hoo! Smithers, I'm beginning to think that Homer Simpson... was not the brilliant tactician I thought he was.

But before Lisa died, she made this tape that I think you should hear. Dear Moe, if anything should ever happen to me, I want you to tear up my dad's tab, and pour cocktail onions-- Dad, I can't. Read it! Pour cocktail onions down your pants.

You see? It tells you exactly what's on the baby's mind. Maggie. Maggie. Where did you go? Peekaboo! Oh, there you are. Very amusing. Homer, now what do you think?

Dear Marge, xxx--

Whoa. You've got my number on that one, buddy. This is a smart group.

That's good enough for me! Purple drapes! All my life I've wanted purple drapes!

Hold it right there. Looks like the spider caught himself a couple of flies.

Barney, not you too! I'm not a zombie. But hey-- when in Rome.

Mm-hmm. Well, that's... very good for a first try. You know what? I have a ball. Perhaps you'd like to bounce it.

Ooh. But as for you, Santa's Little Helper, you are a selfish coward and a bad dog! Get out! And stay out!

is freebasing ground-up moon rocks. (SUCKING) All this does is get me to normal.

Fellow classmates, instead of voting for some athletic hero or a pretty boy, you have elected me, your intellectual superior, as your king. Good for you. Very well said. Now your king and queen will share their first royal dance.

I gave him a couple of blintzes to paint my fence, but he never did it! Those blintzes were terrible. Paint my fence! Make me. You give me back those blintzes then!

"All you can eat." Ha! Mr. Simpson, this is the most blatant case of fraudulent advertising... since my suit against the film The Neverending Story. So, do you think I have a case? Homer, I don't use the word "hero" very often. But you are the greatest hero in American history.

I'm seeing double here. Four Krustys.

- Thank you. Dr Foster? - Hmm. At least your memory's not crazy. Now, Ned, you may remember... we spent some time together 30 years ago. Do you recall what you were like back then? Oh, sure. I was a good little boy. Were you?

Hmm. That's odd. Usually the blood gets off at the second floor.

Our high standards challenge students to reach their full potential. Look at how disciplined they are. They're just like the terra-cOtta warriors of Xi'an. They sure are. That's not so disciplined. They're just children, Mr. Simpson. I guess.

GonNA paint our wagon gonna paint it good we ain't braggin' we're gonna Coat that wood they're gonna paint that wagon they're gonna paint it good they ain't braggin' they're gonna coat that wood They're singing!

I understand the electrodes, but why does he have to be on a treadmill? Oh, that was his idea. He said he felt fat. Oh. You said he was concerned about satellites? And their beams. Any other strange behavior? He quit blinking. He says that's when they get you. I had a feeling this might happen. This carboxyl group sometimes causes problems.

I certainly hope someone stabs him in the eye.

No. Seymour! The house is on fire! No, Mother. It's just the northern lights. Well, Seymour, you are an odd fellow, but I must say you steam a good ham. Help! Help!

I'm Troy McClure. You might remember me from such films as Today We Kill, Tomorrow We Die, and Gladys, the Groovy Mule.

Geez, I'd like to, but if they don't kill the intruder, it's really bad for their society. - They're gonna kill him? - Eventually. First they'll eat his skin. Ew!

Where everybody wins! Actual odds of winning: one in 380 million.

Hello. Mr. Burns? This is your mother. No! Oh, hello, Mater. Um, sorry about pulling the plug on you and all. Who could have known you'd pull through and... live for another five decades. Ooh! Is my face red.

Hmm. That's odd. Usually the blood gets off at the second floor.

You know, Homer, it's very easy to criticize. Fun too. All right, Wildcats, are you ready to give 110%, take it one game at a time...

Later, chickie-pie.

Bart, this is Patches. - And what was your name? - Poor Violet. Oh, I don't like where this is going. Your story made everyone at the orphanage so sad. We want you to have this dollar we were saving. Please, I don't deserve this. Hey, listen up, everybody.

I got a bad feeling about this. - Don't you believe in me, son ? - Uh-- Come on, boy. Sometimes your faith is all that keeps me going.

Good. By the way, Homer, what's your least favorite country? Italy or France? France. Nobody ever says Italy. I never noticed this office before. Why should you? It's mine. Uh, you have any sugar around here? Sugar? Sure.

Okay. Here we are. Alt dot nerd dot obsessive.

Hey, kids, meet Grandpa Murphy! But we have three grandpas already. This one's a great jazz musician! Oh, they all are!

I call him Gamblor! And it's time to snatch your mother from his neon claws! Marge! Where are you? Damn this casino! Double stars! Everybody wins!

What do we want ? Substantially less violence in children's programming ! When do we want it ? Now ! No ! You're ruining the show ! Oh, stop it ! Please stop ! Oh, please ! Please, be quiet ! I'm trying to earn a living here, all right ?

Milhouse, I got a confession to make. I'm the one who narc'ed on your kissing. What?!

Next on Comedy Central, an all-new South Park. I hear those kids' voices are done by grown-ups. Hey, there's nothing wrong with that. I just wonder how they keep it so fresh after 43 episodes. I can't believe we paid to see a band...

Take a hike, Kojak!

I understand. You don't understand anything! (GRUNTING) You're such a psycho! Mama's boy! Future skank! Family guy!

I'm bad to the bone, honey. Let's go find some fun.

You did this to me! I... apologize.

Shh! Ooh, I hear this really sucks.

As chairman of the P.T.A., I am de-didilly-lighted to take over, and I think I can put the "pal" back in principal. Yeah, and I'll put the "super" back in superintendent. It's the same exact joke. What gives, Leo?

PRISONERS: Kill the rat! Kill the rat! PRISONERS: Kill the rat! PRISONERS: Kill the rat! What happened to the guards? PRISONERS: Kill the rat!

Hey, just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand.

You're a latter-day Clarence Darrow. Uh, was he the black guy on The Mod Squad?

Good Lord, what has become of the sport of kings? Get bent. That's my third monocle this week. I simply must stop being so horrified.

Happy birthday to you Happy birthday - Happy birthday to you - Happy birthday Happy birthday, Burnsie Happy birthday to you Go to hell, you old bastard.

You call that prime rib? Yuck.

Bart, I hope you won't bear some sort of simpleminded grudge against me. I was merely trying to fend off the desecration of the school building. - Eat my shorts. - Pardon ?

Yo, check this out. Black guys drive a car like this. Yeah, but white guys, see, they drive a car like this. It's true! It's true! We're so lame.

I can't believe it. The system works.

Serious injuries. Oh, that's gold.

Hey, Marge, what were your gambling losses last year? Seven hundred dollars. They took my money, they wrecked my show, they buried a bunch of stinking veterans in my family plot, but at least I still got my memories.

Good news, boy. I found a pharmacy that carries leeches! Well, it wasn't exactly a pharmacy. More of a bait shop. Look, Grampa, I'm fine! I really don't need any more home remedies.

Can I play "Hemorrhoid Sufferer Number One"? Ooh! Oh, that hurts! Aah! Oh, is there no relief? I don't think so. Well, how about one of the "after" guys? Ahh! Oh, that's better. - I can ride a bike again! - Sorry. Ohh.

In the event of nuclear war, we can only save our best and brightest. Therefore, space in the fallout shelter will be reserved for... Lisa Simpson, Martin Prince, our championship kickball team, and Sherri, but not Terri. Ha-ha!

Hi, kids ! Guess what, Sideshow Mel ? It's time for itchy & Scratchy ! Hey, hey, hey ! Settle down, boys and girls, or Krusty will have to bring out his old friend Corporal Punishment again.

Dad, it's in there again! No! It's stuck on my hand! This shouldn't be too hard to fix-- with the right tools.

You are going to crash and burn,

You're nothing but a pack of fickle mush-heads. He's right. Give us hell, Quimby.

It rolls off your tongue and into your heart-- "octuplets."

Hmm, with little tiny baby-sized gifts. Well, I'll be in the tub. By the way, congratulations on your new job, Homer. New job? Marge is pregnant?

Dad, this doesn't have your name on it. Kids, would you step outside for a second? F-- Dear Lord! That's the loudest profanity I've ever heard.

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on Wu!

You got an ex-Green Beret mad. Copyright expired.

but I do so under-- my own free will. "It has come to my attention that NBC sucks. "I apologize for misleading you and urge you to watch as many Fox shows as possible. So, in summary, NBC bad, Fox good." CBS great.

I need a miracle. My house is on fire! Whoo-hoo! Insurance to the rescue!

Stuff like that-- Ohh! Look, kids. I just got my party invitations back from the printers. "Come to Homer's BBBQ. The extra 'B' is for BYOBB." What's that extra "B" for? That's a typo. Dad, can't you have some other kind of party? One where you don't serve meat?

"Caution. Exit through door seven only. All other rooms contain man-eating tigers." Roman numerals? They never even tried to teach us that in school!

Why, look at that disgraceful beast. Good Lord, what has become of the sport of kings? Get bent. That's my third monocle this week. I simply must stop being so horrified.

Whatever happens, as our newest closer, you're entitled to wear the coveted closing blazer. And you get a third wall for your cubicle.

Ooh ! Look at this one. "The Hammer of Thor: It will send your pins to... Val-halla." Lisa ? Valhalla is where Vikings go when they die. Oh. That's some ball. Good morning, everybody.

Move it, chowderhead! We call it Three Stooges syndrome. So what you're saying is I'm indestructible.

Listen to your mother, kids. Aim low. Aim so low, no one will even care if you succeed.

I've got a great idea. Let's play Space Patrol! I'll be Lee Suey, the devil-may-care rocket pilot. And Maggie can be Medina, your spunky sidekick. And you'll be-- Bartron, the evil robot from Mars gone berserk.

I... can't... take... this. Skinner! Superintendent Chalmers,

Oh, the pain! (GROANING) Man was not meant to sit up! Oh! We've got an emergency here. We need 10 cc's pronto. And by cc's, I mean cupcakes. MAN: I know what you mean, Bill. I've worked here longer than you.

I don't need any more money. I'm not greedy. As long as I've got my health and my millions of dollars... and my gold house and my rocket car, - I don't need anything else. - Yes, but-- Not interested.

Your mission is to find the fireworks smugglers... and get them to say something incriminating on this tape. "Hootie and the Blowfish"? Yeah. It's cheaper than blank tape.

Oh, that is it!

Oh, my God! We're all gonna die!

But now I'm here to tell you about a remarkable new invention. Until now, this was the only way to get juice from an orange. You mean there's a better way? But that's all changed-- thanks to the juice Loosener.

Make me! I'll make you! If you want me, you gotta catch me! Almost. Oh, so close. Bart! Son of a-- Oh, my God!

Maybe I'm A man maybe I'm A lonely man who's in the middle of something That he doesn't really understand Ahh maybe I'm A man

- Come on, live a little. - No, thank you.

Mmm. Oh, Daddy! This tastes like Grandma! Holy Moses! It does taste like Grandma! I want more! Yeah, me too. We'll take a bushel or a pack or-- just give it to me!

TV's there, bathroom's there, and there's your king-sized bed for-- Hubba-hubba. Stop that! I love my wife and family. All I'm gonna use this bed for is sleeping, eating and maybe building a little fort. That's it!

with a number he calls "Kernel knowledge." I'm hot buttered check it and see I got A fever of 453 I'm hot so very hot Four?

Oh, Daddy! This tastes like Grandma! Holy Moses! It does taste like Grandma!

Yeah, right, Pops. No jury in the world's gonna convict a baby.

Oh, what a day. Maybe the headlines will cheer me up. That's opinion, not news! That guy's hilarious. I especially like his white shirt and blue pants.

Don't hit me, sir. Oh, that I had the strength to take it out on you, Smithers. Now, please go. I would be alone.

Eating animals is wrong.

It's a beautiful day to kick your ass! You die now!

What a happy, happy day.

Turns out the secret code was the same nursery rhyme he told his daughter. It's pretty obvious if you think about it. Shut up, Homer! No one wants to hear what you think!

Here's your special delivery. Thanks. That's for keepin' me waiting. Hey, Lise, guess who's got a genuine... Itchy & Scratchy animation cel? Oh! That is so cool! That is so exciting! That is so-- Crappy.

Forgiveness, please.

Fritz, you idiot! I didn't order a baloney sandwich! I ordered an abalone sandwich!

Well, most women will tell you that you're a fool... to think you can change a man. But those women are quitters! What?

Look. See? You’re fine, and then- Whoops. Uh-oh. Look out. I know this looks bad, but if you reverse it, Daddy's a hero. See? Watch. I saved you!

D'oh. Whoo-hoo. Uh-- That boy ain't right.

- Bart, what are you staring at ? - Uh, nothing. He didn't say it, and neither did I, but at that moment, my dad and I were closer than we'd ever-- Bart, stop it ! Sorry. To everything, turn, turn - I need some money a lot of money Ah.

Hey, who unplugged my freezer? Return to your state of living death at once, sir. Is that you, Apu? Whoa! Time has ravaged your once-youthful looks.

Quebec, New Brunswick, Ontario, Nova Scotia. "Ouiet nerds burp only near school." And here's how you remember their principal exports. "Dogs eat barf solely on Wednesday, Mabel." Stop! I want to learn on my own. Canada's governors general: "Clowns love haircuts. So should Lee Marvin’s valet."

Hey, Billy, hey, joey-- Come on in. There's plenty of room. Sorry. Not you, Homer. Why not? But you let in Homer Glumpet.

Everywhere I go I see teachers in Ferraris-- research scientists drinking champagne. I tried to drink a Coke on the bus, and they took away my pass. That's no life for a famous clown.

So you were gonna kill us. Yeah. Hey, foamy. I want the news, not the weather. Marge, did you hear me zing werewolf Flanders?

That's right. Order now and you'll also get Sun 'n' Run, the suntan lotion that's also a laxative. Gotta get a juicer. Gotta drink juice. Lose weight. Won't get chest pains from answering the phone anymore.

Behold the rarest of the rare, the mythological two-headed hound, born with only one head. Ooh, and here, out of the mists of history, the legendary esquilax, a horse with the head of a rabbit...

ow, ooh. ow, ooh. Ow, ooh.

Damage report, Mr. Moe. Sonar, out. Navigation, out. Radio, out. Enough of what's out. What's in? Ice-blended mocha drinks and David Schwimmer. Yes, he is handsome in an ugly sort of way.

You can't take our doughnuts! Yaah! Right. Anyone else want to be a hero? Ooh.

Hello, everybody! Sparkle, sparkle. Bart! An earring. How rebellious. In a conformist sort of way. What on earth possessed you to get an earring? Milhouse has one. If Milhouse jumped off a cliff-- Milhouse jumped off a cliff? I'm there.

Children, we have tabulated your votes. The king and queen of Springfield High School's class of 1974... are-- Artie Ziff and Marge Bouvier.

Ovulate, damn you. Ovulate! You are out of sperm. Hey, baby. Remember me?

Hey, what's this thing? Huh? Oh, that's an auto-dialer. This bird was using it to pull a telemarketing scam. But instead he's gonna rot in the slammer for the next 20 years. Bread and water, icy showers, guards whomping your ass around the clock. And the only way out is suicide.

I regret nothing!

"Barclay, Barry, Bert, Bort!"

Why is he performing the duties of a roadie? Am I saying that right? "Roadie"r?

I'm happy to announce... that another union has joined us in a sympathy strike. The Piano Tuners Local 412! Piano tuners?

On the other hand, monkey see, monkey do. Kids are the best, Apu. You can teach 'em to hate the things you hate. And they practically raise themselves, what with the Internet and all. Well, perhaps it is time. I've noticed this country is dangerously underpopulated.

I said, "Whoo-hoo."

Good-bye. Sorry. I'm sure Bart will be back. I would say something comforting, but, you know, my voice. Let's go ! If I'm not back at the home by 9:00, they declare me legally dead and collect my insurance ! Homer, this is a terrible thing that's happened.

Hey, Bart got any new tricks for us today? just one. A little something I call "Plucking the Pickle." I build up a little steam, and... I didn't do it.

I'm... I'm gay. (GASPS SOFTLY) You're not disappointed, are you? Oh, no. No, no. No, I'm just surprised. (LAUGHS NERVOUSLY) Yeah, big surprise. Hey, Marge, here's another bomb. I like beer. (LAUGHING)

not me Everything really wrapped up nicely. Hmm. Much quicker than usual. I guess we've learned that happiness is wherever you find it. And we've all found happiness, every one of us.

I see. You know, these hamburgers are quite similar to the ones they have at Krusty Burger. Oh, no. Patented Skinner burgers. Old family recipe. For steamed hams. Yes. Yes. And you call them steamed hams despite the fact that they are obviously grilled.

Action Figure Man, the "How to Buy Action Figure Man" episode. Please, Mommy. I want it. Hmm. Ren and Stimpy, season premiere.

Now, Homer, I want you to be my manager. Really? I should warn you, I'm not great with figures. That's okay. I make stupid decisions. Nobody's perfect. I did bad in school. I didn't even go. My personal hygiene has been described as-- Homer, Homer, you'll be a great manager. There's only one thing you need.

Happy anniversary, Mom and Dad. D'Oh! Okay, folks, this is your pilot speaking. If you'll look to the left side of the aircraft, you'll see Homer and Marge "Sampson,"

Move it, bub! We got an installation to "installate."

Maybe if we tied it down so it couldn't move, it wouldn't get so hungry. You can't do that, Dad. It's cruel! Oh, everything's cruel according to you. Keeping him chained up in the backyard is cruel. Pulling on his tail is cruel. Yelling in his ears is cruel. Everything is cruel. So excuse me if I'm cruel!

Oh, it's the 23rd door on the left. Nope. Nope. Nope. He wouldn't even hear me out. Find the bathroom all right? Uh... yeah.

What do you hit 'em with? There's no mallet. You can stop Satan with your faith. My face? You callin' me ugly? No, no, no, no. I think you're beautiful. Oh, that's it!

Come back for more, eh ? Hey ! What ? What ?

Yes, sir. It was a beautiful Sunday afternoon. I was playing in my wholesome childlike way, little realizing that I was about to be struck down by the luxury car of death. Defenseless child at 3:00.

And that is that. Guess who, fat boy!

and the presents. I'm really sorry. You little-- Lisa, no! Your hands are too weak. Stop that. I'm gonna kill him. No, I'm killing him first.

Can I punch Oscar de la Hoya for a while? Just keep it above the belt. (GRUNTING)

Hey, Chief, can I hold my gun sideways? It looks so cool.

I'll work harder than ever before... and show the world overweight people aren't undisciplined, lazy and irresponsible. What happened to my bird? Oh! Marge? Lisa? Flanders?

Frankly, I'll be quite relieved when we get back to England, and we won't have to deal with them. Are you saying we won't see my family again? Well, possibly your mother will come when the children are born. I can't believe I'm hearing this! - I don't want to cut my family out of my life! - Really?

drinking beer in Maggie's kiddie pool. Hmm? There you are. Thought you could get away, huh?

I heard your dad went into a restaurant and ate everything in the restaurant, and they had to close the restaurant.

Strike, eh? Ow! My bones are so brittle. But I always drink plenty of-- "Malk"?

Look. He's fitting right now. Stan Lee came back? Stan Lee never left. And I'm starting to think that his mind is no longer in mint condition. You broke my Batmobile!

Everyone agreed that Lisa was a beautiful baby. Here she is!

A chopper, we're saved! Hey, you're the guys who didn't like our capering. When you get to hell, tell 'em Itchy sent you.

What's going on? Wh-Why am I on a japanese box? Oh, my God! What is that?

Don't you get it, Springfield? It's over. You lose. Now, if you'll excuse me, all this talk has made me hungry.

You try to open the door, but there's too much blood on the knob--

Bart created a ruckus on a Hawaiian Airline jet, attacking several flight attendants. While he was in rehab, the part of Bart Simpson was played... by his good friend Richie Rich. Bart, what do you mean you have jury duty? Don't have a cow, Mother. Fans reacted to these... slapdash episodes with yawns.

Hi-de-hi, Springfield. Dan Horde mike-side. Tonight our Isotopes take on the pesky Shelbyville Shelbyvillians. The Topes are looking to snap that darn 26-game losing streak, the longest in pro baseball. How about that ? Our sleepy town is in the record book.

His name isn't Bigfoot. His name is Homer. What does it eat ? I don't understand. What's this all about ? Well, I suppose pork chops are his favorite.

You know, they said the same thing about Urkel. That little snot boy. I'd like to smack that kid!

(SOBS) (TIRES SQUEALING) (SCREAMING) Car! Car what? Car is the subject, but I don't know the verb.

Oh, we don't assemble them here. That's done in Flint, Michigan. Any of your workers had their hands cut off by machinery? No. And then the hand started crawling around and tried to strangle everybody? No, that has never happened. Any popped eyeballs?

Yeah, yeah. Hurry, everyone! We don't have much time! After them, men, into the temporarily dry sea. Aw, nuts.

Nobody upstages Little Vicki.

Hey, Dad. What's the word from planet Crackpot? Oh, I suppose you're going to mock me too.

"you better burn a few other things. "You better burn your shirt and your pants. "Be sure to burn your TV and car. "Oh, yes, and don't forget to burn your house... "because none of those things could exist without six white stripes... seven red stripes and a hell of a lot of stars."

Why'd you dis the flag? It partied on the moon! Weren't we afraid of him just a few days ago? We're complex. All right, who can take a story and blow it way out of proportion? I'm your man, boss! I want you to over-hype this story so much, it makes the New York Post look like The New York Times.

Oh, man. Plain cake doughnuts. Thanks for taking all the fancies, guys ! Why can't I ever get here on time ? Hi-ho, faceless employees.

Uh, I didn't mean to. Huh. It just slipped out. Oh, God! Now Penn's gonna beat me. Folks, it's all part of the act. No, it isn't. Don't leave me alone with him! You've ruined the act! I'm gonna kill you! He'll do it. I'm not the first Teller. Remember, Springfield: Keep on swingin'! Hey, come here!

I'm not sure I should go. I don't even like him. You're right, Lise. You shouldn't go. It wouldn't be honest. I'll go, disguised as you. What if he wants to hold hands? I'm prepared to make that sacrifice. - What if he wants a kiss? - I'm prepared to make that sacrifice. What if he-- You don't wanna know how far I'll go.

Hey, 700 Club. You look like a healthy specimen. Well, I did finish first in the Walk for the Cure of homosexuality.

Good night, Mrs. Bouvier, wherever you are.

Wait a minute. That was Prince of Tides. Five, six, seven, eight. What are you kids playing? Counting game. Oh, that's nice. Nine, 10.

Blasted! In fact, to pay for the construction... and operation and demolition of our new derrick, the school will have to eliminate all nonessential programs: music-- What? and maintenance. I'll kill that Mr. Burns! And wound that Mr. Smithers. Out of my way!

public television can't afford to bring you such award-winning shows as... Edward the Penitent? I'm really, really, really sorry. I'm afraid sorry doesn't cut it with this pope. Oh-ho.

Hey, look! I can see my voice!

No. The bank put Lenny in charge. Uh, attention, everybody. Uh-- Oh-- Work harder. Bye.

I envy you and Homer. Thank you. Why? If you ever met my ex-husband, you'd understand. All he ever did was eat, sleep and drink beer. Your point being? And to top it off, he's been stiffing me... on child support for the last four months. Well, you were unlucky.

Get those bears out of here. I'm trying to do an interview. No bears ! We're taping ! All bears off the set. Okay. Now let's get back to your, uh, husband.

Step away from the wall! Step away from the wall! Oh, it's so beautiful! One churro, please. That'll be $14. Here.

SeÑor MacGyver, you saved our village. Don't thank me. Thank the moon's gravitational pull.

It's a beautiful day to kick your ass! You die now!

You’re Baby Stink Breath! You’re Baby Stink Breath! En francais. Vous étes i 'entant Stink Breath!

Right. You go over and wow them. I hide in the shrubs. Hot stuff comin' through. My friendship-- You know you want it.

I'm sorry. Homer doesn't mean to be rude. He's just a very complicated man. Wrong!

J Jellyfish, along you came; J And right away I'm stung J

Hey, I know you. You’re my mechanic- Junior. Frank Grimes, Jr. Frank... Grimes? Dont you remember? Your apelike incompetence drove my father insane.

just take it! Take it, take it, take it, take it, take it! Take it!

Imbecile! Simpson, your family will have to remain here. Oh, man! Oh! Don't worry, kids. This is a national park. We can have lots of fun. I'm afraid that's no longer true, ma'am. Budget cutbacks have forced us to eliminate anything the least bit entertaining.

I've been taking care of you for 26 years! I'm the only mother you've ever known! But you have your real son. You're my real son! You've been my son longer than he has. He doesn't need me, and I don't need him! You march yourself downstairs and get in that car! Yes, Mother. And the rest of you too! Yes, Mrs. Skinner.

And how's my little major leaguer? Catch any june bugs today? Me and Milhouse took some mail from a mail truck and threw it down the sewer. Son, I know you meant well, but that wasn't the right thing to do. What the hell are you talkin' about? You're the one who double-dared us.

Hey, foamy. I want the news, not the weather. Marge, did you hear me zing werewolf Flanders? Diddly!

Public transportation is for jerks and lesbians.

Orlando? Are we going to Sea World? No. Disney World? Uh-uh. Universal Studios? 'Fraid not. Leisure World? Sorry, Grampa. Gator Gulch? You wish. Leisure World? Grampa, you're not even going. Wait a minute. I know where we're going. Oh, it's horrible!

Wow. It's almost like seeing into the future. Hey, what is this goo? You tryin' to grow a friend? Hey, you built a model city. Is that the school? Whoops, my finger slipped. Whoops, my finger slipped. Whoops, my finger slipped. Bart! Stop it!

This is a big mistake. I-- Oh, here come the sleeping pills. So drowsy. Pep pills! Perking up again! I could drive all... night.

Knock it off! I can't hear myself think. I want some peanuts. That's better.

Hens love roosters geese love ganders everyone else loves Ned Flanders

Oh, no! My favorite aggie! Oh! ha? Hmm? Oh. You stole my bit! YOu-- That's my bit, you-- Oh, you stole my bit! Cut! Oh, my God! He's killed the original Alfalfa! Yeah. Luckily, Alfalfa was an orphan, owned by the studio.

I love the nightlife Come on, Homer. Join the party. Mom, John loves Itchy and Scratchy as much as we do. Maybe more. Yeah. And he collects toy robots. He is quite a charmer. Your father's certainly taken a shine to him.

Who caN take your trash out Stomp it down For you shake the plastic bag and do the twisty thingy too

baby, won't you help me understand oooh

Now, separating Siamese twins is a long and costly procedure. Huh? Arr! Ya call that an anchor?

The loser will be taunted and booed until my throat is sore!

Morning, Homer. Looking good. Yeah. Walking's made a new man outta you. It sure has. You see this bulge back here? Now it actually is a fanny pack. No, wait. It's still my ass. But your point is well taken. You see--

I went down Mount Everest on a boogie board. Wow. Climbed Niagara Falls. Ooh! Oh! And just last month, I knocked out Muhammad Ali. Oh, how awful. But this is the biggest thrill ever-- the opening of my 112th store!

Well, it better be first class. Comic Book Guy's ass won't fit in coach. You may keep my posterior. Just please return the "Jabba the Butt" tattoo.

Ronny, are you also my close friend?

Look at him squirm. You care to dance ? She wants you, Homer. Go for it, Homer !

Who wants chocolate ice cream? Me! Me! Me, me!

Oh, my God. It's our high school prom-- And once again I have no date. Simpson. Hello, Dondelinger. You're not on the guest list, Simpson. Orders of prom king Ziff. And have you been drinking? Just for 25 years. Let's go, mister.

All right, I think we've heard just about enough from Mr. Newspaper today.

Okay, we'll start off with the baggy-- Uh, wha-- Those are supposed to be baggy pants! Baggy! Ooh! I've never had a pair of pants that fit this well in my life.

That's quite all right. You didn't know. Now if you'll excuse me, I have a performance to give. Good luck! It's bad luck to say that, too! (ALL GASPING)

Slow down Buckle up Take the time, rehearse Always safety first

Not tonight. I said, not tonight. Wait. Something's wrong. Why aren't you pressuring me for sex?

They each claim ownership of this pie. Hmm. The pie shall be cut in two. And each man shall receive... death. I'll eat the pie.

(ORGAN MUSIC PLAYING)

Bart ! All of the other reindeer Used to laugh and call him names Like Shnozzola ! Lisa ! They never let poor Rudolph join in any reindeer games Like strip poker ! I'm warning you two ! Then one foggy Christmas Eve Santa came to say Take it, Homer !

Heh-heh! You don't have a son.

I think Bart and Lisa are feeling a little upset right now. Isn't there something you'd like to say? There sure is. Kids, you tried your best, and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try. Right in the butt. That was great.

Oh, no, boys. Not the can, please. Doh !

That's discipline. That's like telling Gene Krupa not to go-- Hmm. Lack of discipline. I'm beginning to see the problem.

I'll bet I get blamed for this. But, Aquaman, you cannot marry a woman without gills. You're from two different worlds. Oooh, I've wasted my life.

the ring Came off my pudding can take my pen knife my good man I swear it's springfield's only choice throw up your hands and raise your voiCe monorail what's it called - Monorail - Once again monorail but main street's still all cracked and broken

I hope I Will enjoy my show Lisa. Lisa! Lisa, come back before everyone finds out what a horrible father I am!

Choke on your lies! I'll teach you to-- Homer, they must've made a mistake.

Oh, Andy Capp. You wife-beating drunk. Ooh! There's going to be a town meeting to decide...

But he'll never know! - Good grief. - Oh! My head! How long have I been out here? All night. You were yelling at the swing. I was? But I love the swing.

Cool! I call the Flintstone phone! Yabba dabba doo! I like talkin' to you!

A poem by Hans Moleman. I think that I shall never see. My cataracts are blinding me.

I told that idiot to slice my sandwich. Ow!

Oh. Don't worry, Maggie. I'll think of something. Who's that little baby?

"Give me five bees for a quarter," you'd say.

What's that name again? I forgot. The name's poochie D. and I rock the telly i'm half Joe camel and A thIrd fonzarelli I'm the kung fu hippie from gangster city I'm A rappin' surfer you the fool I pity Ooh, Poochie is one outrageous dude.

Car gone! Car gone! Yeah. We know that. Wh-Where has it gone to? Car gone! Car gone! Car gone!

Well, thank you. See, Jojo? She likes it.

Everyone knows you're faking it, Bart.

Wow! Free beer! Buddy, those are my quarters! Hey, this guy's paying off!

The Springfield Police have told me that 91% of all traffic accidents... are caused by you six guys. I knew we could do it! Yeah, I know. I know. But the bad news is...

Here we go. Clipped to face and neck-- 116.

Whoo, lovely desk. It would be too bad if someone-- Oh, I don't know-- didn't use a coaster! Such a nice tidy office. Maybe it's time you started living like a pig!

Why are you saying that? just screwin' with your mind.

Well, you can't argue with the little things. It's the little things that make up life. Homer, I'm disappointed, but I think you need to do what's best for your family.

Edward the Penitent? I'm really, really, really sorry. I'm afraid sorry doesn't cut it with this pope. Oh-ho.

I was gonna put buttresses in. Gonna, wanna, shoulda. Willie, destroy it.

I feel so much empathy for those villagers. They had to drink their own tears. I was so bored, I cut the ponytail off the guy sitting in front of us. "Look at me. I'm a grad student. I'm 30 years old, "and I made $600 last year." Bart, don't make fun of grad students. They just made a terrible life choice.

Was your second wish to be entered in the Little Miss Springfield Pageant? What are you talking about? I sent in an application for you. I couldn't find a big enough photo, so I sent in... that funny drawing of you on roller skates.

I'm Homer Simpson. You wish.

No, wait. That wasn't a trick. I was gonna juggle chickens.

A lot of women are going to want to have sex with you, and, uh, we want them to think they can. Well, if I explain it to Marge that way, I'm sure she'll understand. Come on, honey.

And now you're ready for a night on the town. Homer, you've got it set on "whore." Uh, OOP-- Okay. This time, try to keep your nostrils closed. Oh, look what you did. Now I have to go get my cold cream gun.

I'm considerable hungry. We got any food left? Hmm. Looks like we're out of corn pone, fatback, hardtack, fat pone, "corntack." Any "tackback"? "Tackback"? - I mean "backtack." - Plumb out.

Let the destruction begin ! Hey, they forgot my corn dog !

Ah, 433rd Street. My old neighborhood. Hmm. "Oh, yes. Oh, yes. "Capitol City's nakedest ladies.

Oh, now what? If you're still mad at me, I'm gonna be really mad. Come on, Marge. Will you-- Fight fair! I never do this to you. Talk to me! Oh!

I cant believe they took Monkey Trauma Center off for this.

Oh, it's a donkey. Shh. They'll hear us. They didn't hear us in the sewing room.

I couldn't quite put my finger on it. There was something strange about the way he walked. Much more vertical than usual.

that's what osaka seafood concern is all about Well, this sucks. What else is on?

Pop, what are you gonna do? Something I should have done a long time ago. You don't know, do you? No, ma'am.

Back into the chamber turning, all my soul within me burning, soon again I heard a tapping, something louder than before. Surely-- Said I. Surely that is something at my window lattice. Let me see, then, what thereat is, and this mystery explore. Open here I flung the shutter, when, with many a flirt and flutter,

And he'll do it while attempting to open a locked safe... on his head. Any volunteers? Ooh, ooh, ooh! Pick him. Pick him. Homer, no. I wanna do something exciting, but I can't just go from zero to 30 like that. I-i could be killed. Fine. I'll do it.

Lisa, we're not supposed to see each other before the wedding. It's tradition.

What are we laughing at ?

"Good night, room. Good night, moon. Good night, cow jumping over the moon."

Having two wives could have its advantages. Chop, chop, dig, dig. Chop, chop, dig, dig. Chop, chop, dig, dig. You know, Homie, there's so much more... two wives could do for you. I hear digging, but I don't hear chopping.

When I catch you, I'm gonna pull out your eyes and shove 'em down your pants... so you can watch me kick the crap outta you! Okay? Then I'm gonna use your tongue to paint my boat.

Here you go, Bart. Hmm. "Springfield Kozy Kort Motel, room 26. How 'bout it ? Flash."

But there's nothing funny about... vapor lock. It's the third most common cause of car stallings. So please, take care of your car and get it checked. I'm joe Namath. Good night. Scully, you're cut.

Uh, it's my first day!

Mrs. Crabapple, that was uncalled for.

"John Lemon." "Orange Harrison." "Paul McIced Tea" "Mango Starr." Hey, Bart, how about a blast from the past? A 40-year-old novelty beverage? Hand it over.

(LAUGHING) Injured hippies.

All clear, everyone! Dad, no! This may just be the eye of the hurricane. Relax. Can't you see how eerily calm it is? See? I told you it was over. Hmm. I don't remember a bowling alley being there--

But his approach has been wrong from the beginning, as far as I'm concerned. Well, he's erratic. He tends to explode in the 7-8-9 frames. Actually, that was Pontiac, Michigan.

such as, if you leave milk out, it can go sour. Put it in the refrigerator, or, failing that, a cool, wet sack. And put your garbage in a garbage can, people. I can't stress that enough. Don't just throw it out the window. This is so humiliating.

Have you ever wondered why fat parents have fat children... or why Chinese parents have Chinese children? It's no coincidence. It's because of... D.N.A.

The TV! Stop screaming, Homer. Quit trying to control me.

Well, me and my fourth-form chums think it would be quite corking... if you'd sign over your oil well to the local energy concern. Mr. Burns. Bah! It was naive of you to think I would mistake this town's... most prominent 104-year-old man for one of my elementary school students. I want that oil well. I've got a monopoly to maintain.

This magazine you sold me isn't Fantastic Four, it's Fantastic Floor. My family can't put in floors. We rent. Sorry. No refunds.

Hello. I'm your customer service rep, Lindsey Naegle. We've met you many times, Miss Naegle. Why do you keep changing jobs? I'm a sexual predator. Oh.

They were about rebellion, about political and social upheaval!

Please spare me. I'm not a murderer, I'm not. And I've never known the pleasures of a woman or a proper eating apple. Quiet, you. Ugh! There's cheese in my eel pie! This week in our Summer Hanging Series,

None! They'd have more sense than that! Oh, you're feisty. I'm gonna give you a Madonna cut. Homer, I don't need you around me 24 hours a day!

Beer delivery. Sign here. No! It's you! Oh, boy! Gimme that!

"Ketchup." "Catsup." "Ketchup." "Catsup." "Catsup." k-- k-- Oh, I'm in way over my head. He's, uh, talking to the ketchup now.

You dunking your sausages in that syrup, homeboy? Marge, tell Bart I just want to drink a nice glass of syrup like I do every morning. Tell him yourself. You're ignoring Lisa, not Bart. Bart, thank your mother for pointing that out. Homer, you're not not talking to me. And, secondly, I heard what you said. Lisa, tell your mother to get off my case.

Now, here's my "Everything's Okay" alarm. This will sound every three seconds... unless something isn't okay.

Don't get me started on lotus flowers. No. No, it is the sign that it is time for my arranged marriage. Oh, well, congratulations. No, no, no. Don't you know what it means? Not... really. It all happened shortly after my eighth birthday. Okay, here we go.

Hello. I'm Nichelle Nichols of Star Trek. Oh! You finally accepted my invitation for tea and chit chat. Ew. Listen, I said it to Shatner and I'm saying it to you. There is no way I'm going to be dating a man with pie on his face. (SOBBING) (ALL LAUGHING)

Close, but no doughnut, cops. This is Papa Bear. Put out an A.P.B. for a male suspect... driving a... car of some sort, heading in the direction of, uh, you know, that place that sells chili. Suspect is hatless. Repeat, hatless.

Okay, sugar plum. It's time to meet Mr. Funny Voice. Hello, I'll-- Oh, it's just air. Oh, come on! Hurry up! Okay, people. One, two, three.

Homer, bring Maggie out.

De nada. If you ever need me, just ring.

Go with it! Here you go, Todd. The city edition. Bart, I don't know if this should be an extra. Is your source on this reliable?

Mmm-mmm-mmm. Hmm? Mmm! Wow! I'm sorry I doubted you before, Dad. If there has to be a bastardized version of Krusty, I'm glad it's you.

Mr. Sparkle, a joint venture of Matsumura Fishworks... and Tamaribuchi Heavy Manufacturing Concern. Hey, it was all a coincidence. Yup! There's your answer, fish bulb.

So, you never learned cursive? Uh, well, I know hell and damn and bit-- Cursive handwriting. Script.

Hmm-- Well, well. If it isn't the Doobie Brothers. Uh-oh. Crotch the weed, man. Smell any drugs, Sergeant Scraps? Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!

Oh, shush yourself. English - US - Line 21

Actually, Lisa, it's just Uncle Eldred. I get me brain medicines from the National Health.

- Amen ! - Let's eat. No, I'm not done yet !

Can I touch it? Sure. Go for the gusto. It's healing over my hand. It knows you're afraid. Hello. I would like to take advantage of your baby prison.

And I was-- was--

and teamed up to fight a bigger foe.

No, Mother. It's just the northern lights. Well, Seymour, you are an odd fellow, but I must say you steam a good ham. Help! Help!

"Do not touch Willie." Good advice. Huh? Our next budget item, $12 for doorknob repair. Nay! Recharge fire extinguishers.

Well, Son, I guess this is the end. But we've both had long, full lives. - Oh. Right. - Hey, look. Another spaceship. And there's nobody guarding it! Let's go.

just read it, and you're a Shoo-in! "Hello, Mr.-- Kurns. I bad want... money now. Me sick." Ooh, he card reads good. "So pick, please, me, Mr. Burns." It's Kurns, stupid! No, it's not.

I have never seen a good student take such a slide. Lisa, what are you rebelling against? What do you got?

Well, sure is quiet in here today. Yes-- a little too quiet if you know what I mean. Hmm. I'm afraid I don't. You see, bees usually make a lot of noise. No noise suggests no bees. Oh. I understand now. Oh, look. There goes one. To the Beemobile!

Oh, I really felt there was a connection. And I would definitely go out with her again. He smelled like puke!

We've just been handed a bulletin from our Rock 'n' Rumor department. Michael jackson is moonwalking his way to Springfield. While we check it out why don't you enjoy a seldom-heard extra-long version of "in-A-Gadda-Da-Vida." Michael jackson! Such a thing happens once in a blue moon.

Attention, Marge Simpson. Your son has been arrested. I'd be terribly embarrassed if I were that boy's mother. Attention, Marge Simpson. We've also arrested your older, balder, fatter son.

That oughta hold the little S.O.B.s. Gabbo, quiet. Oh, I wouldn't wanna offend the little S.O.B.s. I wish you'd stop saying that. Hmm.

"Ah, so. Ah, so. Me like the fried rice.

You there. Fill it up with petroleum distillate. And revulcanize my tires, posthaste.

Hi, Marge. Hi, Santa's Little Helper. Hi, kid. Hey! That's not Santa's Little Helper! That's Laddie. Bart says he won him at a church carnival two towns over. In a truth-telling contest, right, Bart? Uh, to the best of my recollection, yes. Wow! I gotta start going to church. What do you got for me, boy?

I was checking out the skirts at the local carnival... when I First saw her. Hey, handsome, wanna dunk the clown ? She did things your mother would never do, like have sex for money.

"Torture Land, Explosion Land, "Searing Gas Pain Land, Unnecessary Surgery Land."

I will not suffer your insubordination. There's been a shocking decline in the quality and quantity of your toadying, Waylon, and you will fall into line now! No. No, Monty, I won't. Not until you step back from the brink of insanity. I'll do no such thing! You're fired!

Oh, no, boys. Not the can, please. Doh !

I invested in something called News Corp-- Dad! That's Fox! Undo! Undo! Dad, do we have any money left?

Oh, brandishing your buttocks is only getting me angrier. I want to see what's going on! No, mother! Don't look out the window! Cops! Everybody split up!

(GROWLS) I can't take anymore.

Manjula, come quick! The octuplets said their first words. Mommy-- Will-- - You-- - Let-- - Daddy-- - Come-- - Back? - Cookie! Oh, they miss their father.

There. Aronson and Zowkowski are the two biggest gossips in town. In an hour, everyone will know.

Oh, it might as well be in China.

My dad's all stoked 'cause today's the Fourth of july. He woke me up at dawn to take a loyalty oath. Ugh. My mom's French, so we only celebrate Bastille Day. Well, we could do something fun. Um, how 'bout a beach party? - Oh, great idea, Lise. - Hey, I know where there's a beach! I know where we could get some baguettes.

Well, Bart's been acting very strangely, and that pizza delivery truck has been parked across the street for two weeks. How long does it take to deliver a pizza? - Our cover's blown. - Let's roll.

Quack, quack, quack.

We just spliced in some home movies. What do you think? Well, I'd rather reserve judgment until I-- Oh, my God! I'll mace you good! That is completely taken out of context! Why you little--

What do I do now? I've been drummed out of my profession. I'm a disgrace. Even this babbling brook sounds almost like mocking laughter. Who needs money when we got feathers?

I thought I recognized you. I gave you a plate of corn muffins back in 1947 to paint my chicken coop. And you never did it! Those corn muffins were lousy. Paint my chicken coop! Make me!

Finish her! Finish her!

I come before you today to solve a riddle... that has plagued mankind for centuries. What has four legs and ticks? A walking clock? A walking clock! I'd wager he has some variety of walking clock in that box. Bart, is it a walking clock? What? No, it's my dog.

Oh, boy! Grandma! We're not going anywhere. But you said-- Uh, sometimes to keep from hurting someone's feelings, we have to say things that aren't exactly-- Lies make Baby jesus cry.

What's wrong with me I think you're crazy Want a second opinion You're also lazy Dr. Zaius, Dr. Zaius Dr. Zaius, Dr. Zaius Dr. Zaius, Dr. Zaius oh, Dr. Zaius Dr. Zaius, Dr. Zaius

We'd met the enemy, and it was Montgomery Burns.

I didn't do it.

- Homer! - Burnsie! Okay, search party, before we set out, let's take a moment to humor the children.

Drastic action had to be taken to stop his war machine. I put Homer to bed, Abe. And now I'm going out. - It could be a late night. I'm meeting my destiny. - So long.

Hey, whets this? "Bart Sad."

Whoa! That bites. Holy crap! What's that you say? You can live without television... as long as you have beer? That's right. Wrong.

Marge, didn't you want that vibrating chair? That was your idea. We should get a machine gun. We could hunt game, spell out things or ring in the new year. I really think we need to replace the washer and dryer.

Burns ? Change the channel. You change it. No, you change it. I changed it last week. Fine. Be a jerk. Then we'll just sit here and watch it.

Shh. Shut up, Updike!

How long does it take to see this thing? I'm in a hurry. It's hard to say. Once you go in, you may never come out. Wow! One, please.

(STAMMERING) Come on, son! You can fight this! Do the Bartman! Do the Bartman!

For an evening or a week, there's no place like the mall. Food, fun and fashion-- the mall has it all. What? What did he say? Now, the key to great dancing is one word: tappa-tappa-tappa. Tappa-tappa-tappa.

Ah, I just threw on an old rerun. No one will know the difference. Huh? Huh? Huh? Eh, children, remain calm. The Falkland Islands have just been invaded. I repeat, the Falklands have just been invaded! The disputed islands lie here, off the coast of Argentina.

"Guess who likes you."

Oh, my God! He's stealing all the burgers! Why, you little-- I got you! Ho-- Homer, it's-- it's all just an act. Stop! Stop! He's already dead!

Oh, here we go. Mm-hmm. Oh!

F.B.I., huh? Uh, excuse me. All right, they're on to us! Get him back to Sea World!

It looks like everyone in Springfield showed up for this. Ha-ha! Could this town be any stupider? Order! Please rise for the, uh, Pledge of Allegiance. Get to the money! In a moment. First, let's review the minutes from our last meeting. Get to the money! Get to the money!

Then, please, help me help myself. Oh, all right. But only because you haven't outed Rod and Todd.

It's The Sou-ou-oul Mass Transit System. Give it to me. El yoyÓ es grande. ¡Ay, chihuahua! As you can see, Simpson, I have taken over all 78 channels, and you won't see any of your favorite shows again until you give in!

Kent, let me make this perfectly clear. I have no dog.

And if any part of you should feel that air-- it's your own fault. Hmm, I better go check that out.

Whip them horses let them wagons roll That a people might embiggen America That a man might embiggen His soul His soul Hyah.

And the fact is, I haven't-- Uh-- Yes? Seymour, I think you'd better tell them. It's the only way to clear our names. Well, everyone,

"Itchy runs afoul of an Irishman." Look out, Itchy! He's Irish! Come on, Itchy. Kill him! Kill that guy!

- Who are you? - Homer, I'm your guardian angel. I've assumed the form of someone you would recognize and revere-- Sir Isaac Newton. Sir Isa-who? Oh, very well.

like a couple of Rory Calhouns.

Cletus, what does that say? That? That says, "I loves you, Brandine." Oh, Cletus. Tonight, you can knock me up again.

She was looking at Nelson! Lisa likes Nelson! She does not! Milhouse likes Lisa! He does not! janie likes Milhouse! She does not! Uter likes Milhouse! Nobody likes Milhouse! Lisa, you've got detention.

Come home, my Bonny warrior For now the nets are full O' fish... Is that tape working? You ate three desserts tonight.

a horse with the head of a rabbit... and the body of a rabbit. Oh, it's galloping away!

Oooh ! A-ha ! Got him ! Okay, okay.

Stir up some controversy. Rattle a few cages. Hey, stop that! You'll never silence me! I'm the last angry man, Patterson-- a crusader for the little guy! Leave the bird alone! Never! Look, Simpson. I've been elected...

Hello? Right! I'm calling from Squatter's Crog, Australia. I want to speak to a Dr. Bart Simpson right now. Uh-- Hold, please. All right, but I don't-- Payroll. Bert Stanton speaking. Oi! I said Bart Simpson! What kind of a company is this? Bart Simpson's office. Thank the great, good Lord.

ow, ooh. ow, ooh. Ow, ooh.

Seymour! Are you looking at naked ladies? No, Mother.

Homer, maybe you'd have more fun at Moe's tonight. Ah, for some reason, Moe's always closed on Wednesdays. "And then they realized they were no longer little girls. They were little women."

What do you think of that? Dad! Now throw compost on it! Here. Whew! Uh, enjoy. Oh, still warm.

Now, when the wealthy dowager comes in, the party's over, right? Wrong! Kill wealthy dowager.

D'oh! Ow! - Ow! - Look out! Oh, no. I'm gonna go off the end of the--

Inside every hardened criminal beats the heart of a 10-year-old boy. And vice versa.

Hi, hi, hi. Bye. Hi.

Hey, Salvatore, guess who's here! Mr. Kookalamanza and-a some real ugly kid.

We're giving you an opportunity to participate in a serious discussion here. Oh, I'm sorry, Kent. Just, when the camera gets on me, I--

Oh, man, am I glad to get out of there! Whoo! Hey, calm down. You're wrinkling your church clothes. Who cares? This is the best part of the week. It's the longest possible time before more church. Church shouldn't be a chore. It should help you in your daily life. It should, but it doesn't. Now, who's going with Daddy to the dump?

Hey, I got a question for you. "Would Jesus microwave a burrito so hot... that he himself could not eat it?" Well, sir, of course he could. But then again-- Wow, as melon scratchers go, that's a honey doodle.

B-i-n-g-o and bingo was his name-o

with A friend to call my own I'll never be alone and you my friend Will see you've got A friend in me Hot cakes...

Surprise! Surprise. Marge, will you marry me? Why? Am I pregnant?

Look. A TV Guide owned by jackie O. Oh, you should see the crossword puzzle. She thought that Mindy lived with Mark. Give her a break! Her husband was killed! Oh, I know. Wasn't that awful? Hi. I'm john. Can I help you with anything?

and The joy of Cooking Steve Allen. I cut my first and only album, Sax on the Beach.

shake, shake, shake shake your booty shake your booty ow, if you Can you can do it very well you're the best in the world

ANNOUNCER: With Eddie Murphy as the Jack of Clubs. You don't understand, Officer. I thought that king was a queen. (CHUCKLING) ANNOUNCER: This summer, the house is full and the deuces are wild! In Cards! Hey, Jack, you got any twos? You can't handle the twos!

Well, since you're all such a big bunch of big ration babies, I'll just be in charge of the rationing. Look here, boy. The secret is to take tiny bites, like so. Mmm! Mmm! Mmm! Stop it! Stop it!

Who needs money when we got feathers? Hmm.

Can't a man walk down the street without being offered a job? We'll have to go to the next-most-senior man at the plant. Here we are. Ten years' experience. His name is-- Marge, I got a new job! It's with Globex Corporation.

I don't understand. If I wanted to see a man eat an orange, I would have taken the orange-eating class. The eating of an orange is a lot like a good marriage. just eat the damn oranges! This is terrible. We're leaving.

Go, Moe! Boo, everyone else. I think we know who wins this round. Titania! Duff Beer is brewed from hops, barley... and sparkling clear mountain what? Goat. Uh, close enough!

Lisa doesn't borrow my car and stay out all night with some hoochie. She's no hoochie! Her name is Zelda, and she understands me. Grampa, I gotta tell ya. She's a stone-cold hoochie. Straight up, Marge.

Almost time for our commercial. Dad, who's watching TV at 3:17 a.m.? Alcoholics, the unemployable, angry loners.

Look at me, Powder Puff. I'm dancin'.

Well, sir, I'll be honest with ya. I need a large African elephant, and I need it today. But I'm afraid this just isn't what I'm looking for. What do you mean? It's an elephant, isn't it? Well, it is and it isn't, if you understand what I mean. He likes peanuts.

D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! And sometimes I got into trouble.

Look at those two inseparable chums, Smithers. That's exactly the teamwork we'd like to showcase at this year's energy convention. Are you sure, sir? Well, no one else seems to share the same spirit of camaraderie.

Look how healthy I am. You see? I'm finally thin enough... to wrap this thing around my arm. Good for you, Dad. Could you get me some syrup? Mmm. Hmm. You see? Before I probably would've driven to the syrup. Kids, hurry up and eat. We have to leave for the dentist five minutes ago.

But Homer is a real hero. I wish I was a hero. Well, wishing won't make it so.

Bart. Bart. Bart, Bart, Bart, Bart. Bart. Bart. I can't think with all this noise. What am I supposed to do? Pick up Bart. Pick up Bart. "Pigabar"? What the hell is "pigabar"?

Uh-oh. My house! Hey, how you doin'?

Hello, Springfield! We're going to play all your old favorites! But first we'd like to dip into our new CD-- "Takin' Care of Business"! Don't worry, sir. We'll get to that one. No talkin'! No new crap! "Takin' Care of Business" now!

just as I thought! It's a Yard King! That is a quality barrow. Well, I gotta run.

Mmm! It's dessert but it's hot dogs, so it's good for you.

They had 30 sons and 30 daughters. What were their names? Dennis, Brianna, Mavis, Brad--

I'll be right back, boys. I've gotta go help that lady. Homer, you help too. I toileth not on ye Sabbath, woman! A pox on thee!

Ugh! What is it? It's a COW'S heart. They're tryin' to make a monkey out of you! Alison, is this supposed to be some kind of joke? I didn't do that. I made a different one. Oh, is that so, young lady? Well, where is this phantom diorama?

Now, kids, instead of candy, I thought I'd serve an array of healthy fresh fruits. Fruit is nature's candy. Whoa!

Oh-- What was I laughing at now? Oh, yes. That crippled Irishman.

Man, you never know which way this crazy ball's gonna go! Yeah, right. You're just trying to trick me, 'cause you don't want me playing with your video game. Here, go ahead. - No. Let me try the cup and ball. - Get your own! Come on! Don't be a cup-and-ball hog! Hey, give it! That's mine!

Have you always resented us, Dad? Oh, I dont resent you, sweetheart. What I was trying to say, and maybe I didnt use the right word... was that marriage is like a coffin... and each kid is another nail, but as coffins go-

I moved here from Canada, and they think I'm slow, eh? I fell off the jungle gym, and when I woke up I was in here. I start fires. Okay. Now, everyone take out your safety pencil and a circle of paper.

(SNORING) Z-Z-Z-Z-Z-Z-Z...

They'll never know the simple joys of a monkey knife fight. Give it to him, boy! Give it to him!

Toby Hunter, Minneapolis Star. No, really, is this a joke? No, Toby! And no more questions about whether this is a joke.

Any thoughts on Miami-Cincinnati? I certainly do, Bret. I hereby declare Miami to be Smooth jimmy's 'Lock of the Week.' Ooh, that's a big lock. I just don't trust that guy.

Ohh! Homer mad! Homer smash! Get revenge on world! Look! It's the Incredible Hulk!

Of course you did. But there's the truth, and the truth! Let me show you.

Morning, Homer. Looking good.

Whoa! Sign's floating away, Chief.

Uh, sure. Sure. Here you go. DÜff, from Sweden. Go!

What'd you do? Screw up like the Beatles and say you were bigger than jesus? All the time. It was the title of our second album.

japan. Except over there they call him "Annual Gift Man," and he lives on the moon.

Shame on you, and shame on you. And shame on your whole ill-mannered town! Hey, that guy's shaming us.

Why, you little..! Krusty, please continue. Okay. My father tried to extinguish the comedy bug but it was no use.

But get a cheap one, and what happens? It goes off, takes out the eyeballs of every kid in the room. What's that gonna cost you? Bill, what did that cost us?

Do whatever it takes-- Sweet talk, insults, slang from the '30s that no one uses anymore. Like "rubes"? Now you're on the trolley.

Get outta my office! Of course, what Matt meant to say, according to his attorneys, is that he couldn't possibly do it alone, and he insisted that we make time to acknowledge the hard work of everyone... who makes The Simpsons possible.

All right, guys, pipe down. I got some more in the garage.

So, Ned, you like dune buggies? Well, not my cup of-- Sure you do. Everyone likes dune buggies.

Now I'm going to take some advice that was given to me by Lenny... and kill you without delay. One thrust and the deed is done.

English - US - Line 21

Live, from the Springfield Civic Auditorium-- it's "The Simpsons 138th Episode Spectacular!" Hello, I'm Troy McClure. You may remember me from such Fox Network specials as...

I'm so drunk I can barely see But it helps me get through another day My stomach is filled with haggis and hurt I've got to go puke in some hay

Joy to the world the teacher's dead we barbecued her head what happened to her body

Welcome to Remedial Science 1-A. My, uh, wife recently passed away. I thought teaching might ease my loneliness. Will this be on the test? No! Oh!

It's breathtaking. Look. There's the Imperial Gardens. The Meiji Shrine. The Hello Kitty factory. Who's up for some exploring? Hey, I'm still checking out japanese TV.

Ow ! Nevermore, nevermore, nevermore, nevermore, nevermore-- Dag-- Doggone it ! Doh ! Doh ! And the Raven, never flitting,

Hi, Little Vicki. That was such a long time ago. I'm just plain Vicki now. All right. I'd like to sign my daughter up for lessons, Vicki. Little Vicki. But you just said-- So what dance style were you interested in? We have ever so many. There's ballroom.

Hmm. Oh, he'll never dance with her. She'll have to settle for some Mexican Milhouse. I demand to know your name. My name is... Lisabella. That's my name with "bella" on the end of it. Ask her. Oh, God. Please ask her to dance. I shall dance... with her. Ooh!

That was close. Very close.

I think Bart and Lisa are feeling a little upset right now. Isn't there something you'd like to say? There sure is. Kids, you tried your best, and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

Even so, sir. We could stand to lay off a few employees. Oh! Very well. Lay off... him, him, him, him-- Hmm. Better keep the egghead. He just might come in handy.

I don't care if I win just as long as you're in my corner again. I always was, honey. Look! Cameron's about to sing the song I wrote for him! He's about to learn the most important lesson in the music business. Don't trust people in the music business.

Yeah ? Oh, yeah ? Yeah. Hey, what's the problem here ? We were fighting over which one of us loves you more. You were ? Aw, well, go ahead. You love him more. No, you do. No, I don't. Yes, you do ! You better get this out of your system right now !

the gentle caress of a summer breeze. The summer wind Came blowing in

I think the real question is who is this and where is Homer Simpson ? Whoa, whoa. Sorry. Principal Skinner, sorry. It's a bad connection, I think. It's for you. I think Bart's in trouble again. Doh ! What's he done now ? Well, I'm afraid this time the victims... are the innocent blades of grass on Groundskeeper Willy's award-winning play field.

Homer? In America, first you get the sugar, then you get the power, then you get the women. Homer! Huh?

All right, here's your last question. What was the cause of the Civil War? Actually, there were numerous causes. Aside from the obvious schism between abolitionists and anti-abolitionists, economic factors, both domestic and international-- Hey, hey! Yeah? - just say slavery. - Slavery it is, sir.

"Pick up a hammer." Mmm. It's not as easy as I thought it was.

That is so sad. Oh, come on, honey. You know how it turns out. After all, you wouldn't be here today if I hadn't become the responsible head of a household.

8:58. First time I've ever been early for work-- except for all those daylight savings days. Lousy farmers. "To start, press any key." Where's the "Any" key? I see "Esk," "Catarol," and "pig Up."

You, sir, are an idiot.

Shut up, Updike!

This movie you rented sucks. No, it doesn't. It's funny. Their clothes are different from my clothes. Look at what they're wearin'.

Hey, Lise, check it out. Diamond vision. Buzz off. Hey, look. Our tour guide got a new job.

Hello, Marge. I'm Lee Majors. Will you come away with me? Uh... sure. I've gotta stop fantasizing about Lee Majors. Ah, one more.

Yeah. I used to open for Krusty in '69. In fact, he fired me, as I recall. Oh, Sting. But this isn't about show business. This is about some kid down a hole or something. We gotta do what we can.

"The Venus Flytrap is a carnivorous plant... which uses bait to lure unsuspecting prey into its digestive tract."

You know, the-- One thing I should-- - Excuse me for one second. - Of course. Well, that was wonderful. A good time was had by all. I'm pooped.

I've gotta stop fantasizing about Lee Majors.

That sounded like an explosion at the old Simpson place. Forget it. That's two blocks away. Looks like there's beer coming out of the chimney. I am proceeding on foot. Call in a code eight. We need pretzels. Repeat-- pretzels.

What you talkin' 'bout, everyone?

I'm a lucky woman. And I'm a wonderful man.

Bring back our children, you Cyprus-splitting jerks! Just for that, we keep your children. Will you raise them Christian? Coptic Christian.

Blah, blah, blah-blah. Blah, blah, blah.

Won't somebody please think of the children?

I think I'm gonna call him Stampy.

they did the mash they did the monster mash

Shut up, shut up, shut up!

Homer, do you have any plans for after graduation ? Me ? I'm gonna drink a lot of beer and stay out all night ! No, I meant career-wise. You know, that nuclear power plant will be opening soon. It's one of the few outfits around that won't require a college education.

at flaming moe's let's all go to flamIng moe's let's all go to flaming moe's

You got anything else with our logo on it? Caps and Frisbees, sir. You gotta eat them too! And some pogs.

Walt Whitman? Damn you, Walt Whitman! I... hate... you, Walt... freakin'... Whitman! Leaves of Grass my ass!

Who needs money when we got feathers? Hmm.

Here you go, Mr. Plow. A beer on the house. Wow, Moe! You didn't even give a beer to those freed Iranian hostages. Ah, they shouldn't have been there in the first place. But Homer is a real hero.

Peking duck! Get your crispy Peking duck! Yeah, duckman! Over here! Mmm! Mmm!

Top of the mornin' to ye on this gray, drizzly afternoon. Kent O'Brockman live on Main Street where today... everyone is a little bit Irish... except, of course, for the gays and the Italians. All right, then. Move along. Nothin' to see here. Show's over, folks. Parades just bring out so many emotions in me--

because her raspy voice reminded me of my old Victrola. Oh, it was a fine machine... with a vulcanized rubber listening tube... which you crammed in your ear. The tube would go in easier with Some sort of lubricant... like linseed oil or Dr. Shumway's--

I tried to kiss him But Homer ran Sure wish I could say That I was his

Good evening, Rex. And Mobilier-- the chandelier for your car. Whoa! All on I Can't Believe They Invented It! Hello, everybody. I'm Troy McClure, star of such films as "P" is For Psycho...

Bart! Homer, what possible reason could you have... against Grampa being in love? If he marries your mother, Marge, we'll be brother and sister! And then our kids, they'll be horrible freaks... with pink skin, no overbites and five fingers on each hand!

No, Mr. Simpson. Don't take your anger out on me. Get back! Get back! M-Mr. Simpson, no!

No. I've already planned our vacation. We're going to the Highway 9 Bird Sanctuary. I understand they've installed a new bird feeder this year. It's shaped like a diner, and it's on this really tall pole.

Darling, there's an emergency at the hospital. Where are my shoes? Oh, I think they're in the den. In the den? May God have mercy on us all. - Well, how are you feeling this evening? - Uh-- Actually, I'm a little chilly. Can I have another straitjacket?

and his instant pizza pie. Ooh, pizza !

This is one substitute you're not gonna screw with! Marge Simpson. Hello, class! Hi, Bart. Over here, sweetie. It's me, Mom. Hi. Hey! Hello!

What's that extra "B" for?

Hey! Will you guys sign my yearbook? Huh?

Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! We're here. Howdy, partner. Four score and seven blocks ago, my-- Aah! Aah!

Dad, those peanuts aren't for you. - They're for the elephant. - Screw him! Put me down! Ganesh commands you!

More tea, Edna? What kind of little boy has a tea set? I think we both know the answer to that. A lucky boy!

Cool. ts the NBC news feed. Mmm. Feed. You get to see what they do during commercial breaks. We'll be right back with a special report... on soccer moms who hate soccer. Clear! Oh, Lord. I'm so fat.

My little girl likes Red Vines! You little... (SCREAMING) Mr. Simpson, please stop! You think I can't kill you? There's a hundred little punks graduating from Syracuse this year that would beg to kiss my ass! Get outta here! (WHIMPERING) He's crazy!

Well, Countess von Zeppelin and I-- What in blaze ! Now, you listen to me, you bargain basement Baudelaire ! I'm not some dizzy starlet who can't string two words together ! I can write this thing myself ! You're fired !

Oops. I said the quiet part loud and the loud part quiet. Oh, dear.

But she's got a new hat. I want it. I want it. I want it.

Lisa! Enough "saxomaphone" already!

It's true. We are aliens, but what are you going to do about it? It's a two-party system. You have to vote for one of us. He's right. This is a two-party system. Well, I believe I'll vote for a third-party candidate. Go ahead. Throw your vote away.

(GROANING) Uh-oh. You killed him. He was my world. ALL: (CHANTING) Blood for cream. Blood for cream. Blood for cream. Blood for cream.

I'm really sorry I hit you, Mr. Burns. Here. Let me put some salt on that eye. No! Please! I can't bear another thrashing. just leave me be. Yes, sir.

That was a phone call. Don't chalk that up to mistrust.

It's not so bad, Homer. They go in through your nose, and they let you keep the piece of brain they cut out. Look. Ooh! Hello. Hello there. Who's that big man there? Who's that? join us, Father.

Yeah. Moe's Tavern. Moe speaking. Is jacques there ? Who ? jacques. Last name Strap. Uh, hold on. Uh, jacques Strap ? Hey, guys, I'm lookin' for a jacques Strap. What ? Aw, wait a minute. Jacques Strap ?

"Truly, yours is a butt that won't quit. "Yesterday morning "I put your picture up in my garage to inspire me while I gapped my spark plugs."

I never want to see you again! You either. Homer. Homer, why didn't you tell me? I was ashamed, Marge. I failed you as a husband and a provider. And at best I was a B-plus dog. I'll understand if you want to sleep on the couch tonight.

But surely you can't put a price on your family's lives. I wouldn't have thought so either, but here we are.

Ohh. I can't believe our government would set up Bart like that.

Seymour. Hmm? You're fired! I'm sorry. Did-- Did you just call me a liar? No. I said you were fired. Oh. That's much worse.

That was the tardy bell. "Truant! Truant! Truant!" they'll all say!

Look behind you, Radioactive Man! The sun is exploding again!

Return to your state of living death at once, sir. Is that you, Apu? Whoa! Time has ravaged your once-youthful looks. Ah, well, Sanjay. That is the end of our freak show.

"Name one of your child's friends." Martin. Martin! I'll curse that name till the day I die! Huh? "Who is your son's hero?" Three-time soap box derby champion, Ronnie Beck. Wow. I'm one question away from being a perfect father.

It's just a little dirty. It's still good. It's still good. It's just a little slimy. It's still good. It's still good.

I'm so hungry I could eat at Arby's. Oh, my gosh! Oh, wow! She really is hungry. She's really hungry.

And that's how Paul Bunyan started the great Chicago fire.

Do you have any jobs for a man who wants to die? Something indoors-y. Close to a bathroom? I'll put you on rig 13 as soon as they burn off the corpses.

Is it supposed to take this long? What's a good time for a mass evacuation of the entire plant? Forty-five seconds. What's our time so far? I don't know, sir. This stopwatch only goes up to 15 minutes. Damnation! What kind of slow coaches do I have working for me?

Now, to the plant! We'll take the Spruce Moose! Hop in! But, sir-- I said hop in.

What? It's not "Magaggie's" birthday? Oh. Hey! Hey! Hey! Stop it! I made a special cake for you to ruin. It's over there. Ooh.

Bart's grades are up a little this term but Lisa's are way down. Oh, we always have one good kid and one lousy kid. Why can't both our kids be good? We have three kids, Homer. Marge, the dog doesn't count as a kid. No. Maggie. Oh, yeah.

These are so easy. It's obviously "Tom Hanks." Who? Otm Shank. He is India's answer to Brian Dennehy. Otm Shank.

or exploiting animals for entertainment. Oh! I wanted to see 'em fire a gorilla out of a cannon. Enjoy the show. For one day, we shall die. Ohh! Stop! Wait! Wait! Attendez!

But you know what? To be loved, you have to be nice to people... every day. But to be hated, you don't have to do squat. You know, perhaps you're right. I got so swept up with the notion of being liked, I completely forgot who I am. I'm a selfish old crank, and that fits me like a Speedo.

People are calling this a meltdown. That's one of those annoying buzz words. We prefer to call it an "unrequested fission surplus."

Whoa! Wow! Man, you never know which way this crazy ball's gonna go! Yeah, right. You're just trying to trick me, 'cause you don't want me playing with your video game. Here, go ahead. - No. Let me try the cup and ball. - Get your own! Come on! Don't be a cup-and-ball hog! Hey, give it! That's mine!

The summer wind Came blowing in from across the sea

What corpse should we unearth, sir? I don't know. I feel like a kid in a candy store.

Look at me, Bart! I'm driving! We're all proud of you, Dad. Move it, pokey. Slow and steady wins the race.

Oh, my God! This man is my exact double! That dog has a puffy tail! Here, Puff! Here, Puff!

- Ha-ha, you lose! 36 and 239. - Hmm. Hey, Otto-man, I dare you to make this go faster. Ooh! Challenge accepted!

I can't believe you're not still popular. What'd you do? Screw up like the Beatles and say you were bigger than jesus? All the time. It was the title of our second album.

All right. Sounds good.

Come on, people. Somebody ordered the London Symphony Orchestra. Possibly while high! Cypress Hill, I'm looking in your direction.

Oh, honey, think pink. Look. A salute to safe sex. Ha-ha-ha.

Well, time to go to work. Dad, I wouldn't go outside if I were you. Don't worry, boys. He's gotta come out of there sometime.

If elected mayor... my first act will be to kill the whole lot of ya and burn your town to cinders. Mike's on. I know it's on.

He left his briefcase. Hey! It's full of shredded newspapers. Well, I guess that's it. People like us can't afford justice. Come on, Homie. Let's go before he fires you too. No! Mr. Burns, I'm not leaving until you say you're sorry for what you did to my wife. You love her too.

Why, you little- Why, you little-

Blow the man down, mateys blow the man down row, row, row your boat in the navy come on and join your fellow man Act now and get a bonus C.D. Hornpipe Fever. Arr!

I have to turn my chair this way now.

This is what a cornfield looks like, honey.

How dare you show my daughter a life of fun and possibility? Hey! Keep your dishwashing hands off the Armani. For your information, our electric dishwasher is on the fritz. Not that you care about the ups and downs of my appliances. Do you? Do you?

Huh. What can I do for you and your new do? You sent me to the chair. Snake? But you're dead. I know you are, but what am I? No. No. No!

And for some reason, my hair and ear form an "M" and a "G."

We need the money, and my life is pretty boring. Last week some jehovah's Witnesses came to the door, and I wouldn't let them leave. They snuck away when I went in the kitchen to get more lemonade.

It's a great big world out there. Been there, done it. I know. We could have a tea party on the ceiling. Shh-- TV. Oh! You people will be the death of me.

You're the worst shill I've ever seen. You're a disgrace to the medicine show business. They didn't start chasing us until you turned on that getaway music.

The Corvair spacecraft has apparently been taken over-- conquered, if you will-- by a master race of giant space ants. It's difficult to tell from this vantage point whether they will consume the captive Earthmen... or merely enslave them. One thing is for certain: There is no stopping them. The ants will soon be here.

Oh! No! Wait a minute. Bronchial tubes clearing. Asthma disappearing. Acne... remains. But asthma disappearing.

Turn it up! Turn it up!

Uh, being a clown sucks. You get kicked by kids, bit by dogs and admired by the elderly. Who am I clowning? I have no business being a clown. I'm leaving the clowning business to all the other clowns in the clowning business.

You'll be on a rocket ride to the moon! And while you're there, would you pick up some of that nice green moon money for me-- Royce McCutcheon. No deal, McCutcheon. That moon money is mine!

Hi, Poochie! You look like you've got something to say. - Do you? - Yes, I certainly do. I have to go now. My planet needs me.

Please. Yung Mee was a hack compared to this guy! You're hired. Let's see. You will invent a humorous toilet lid. You will find true love on Flag Day. Your store is being robbed, Apu. Are you getting all this, Lisa? I don't know.

Put on a pot of coffee, drink it and start making burgers!

Oh, this can't be happening!

Coochy coochy coo!

(LISA PLAYING SAXOPHONE)

I wanted to see your utopia. But now I see it is more of a Fruitopia. I'm sure what Dr. Hawking means is-- Silence. I don't need anyone to talk for me, except this voice box. You have clearly been corrupted by power. For shame!

Eh. His best friend's a talking pie. Sold! Howard, you've done it again. These happy days are yourS and mine these happy days are yours and mine happy days

In Russia, stage is for performers only.

Uh, Amanda Huggenkiss! Hey, I'm looking for Amanda Huggenkiss! Why can't I find Amanda Huggenkiss? Maybe your standards are too high.

The guys who wrote this show don't know squat. Itchy should've tied Scratchy's tongue with a taut-line hitch, not a sheet bend. Oh, Bart. Cartoons don't have to be 100% realistic.

Lucky thing we landed on this bubble wrap. Hey, quit hoggin'. Oh, I'm badly hurt. A smashed hotrod, a wrecked police cruiser, a destroyed house!

Y-E-S. "Decalcify calcium ducts?" Well, give me a "Y." Give me a-- Hey. All I have to type is "Y." Hey, Miss Doesn't Find Me Attractive Sexually Anymore. I just tripled my productivity. Good. Good for you.

Uh-- Hey, look! Someone's attractive cousin!

Happy birthday, Mr. President.

This is my wife, Marge. Hello. And our beautiful baby. My daughter Lisa-- I.Q. 156. Hi. See? And my son Bart. He owns a factory downtown. H-How do you do? Homer, I'm late for my night job at the foundry, so if you don't mind telling me--

Jeremy's... iron. Mm-hmm. Well, that's... very good for a first try. You know what? I have a ball. Perhaps you'd like to bounce it.

Homie, would you clean her off? Can do! Laddie! Come here, boy! Who wants to lick a messy baby? Laddie?

Guys, I'd like you to meet Artie Ziff. Hello, handsome! Hello! Losers.

I failed you as a husband and a provider. And at best I was a B-plus dog. I'll understand if you want to sleep on the couch tonight.

Lindsay Neagle, Advanced Capital Ventures. Oh, what do you produce? Synergy, and books on how to cheat at bridge.

This job sure is easy. Now to press this button.

Let's say hello to my music guy, Scoey. That is some outfit, Scoey. It makes you look like a homosexual. Oh. Maybe you all are homosexuals too. This is horrible.

They're so big...

Uh, how'd you solve the door dilemma? Homer Simpson was the real hero here. He jury-rigged the door close using this. Hey, what is that? It's an inanimate carbon rod!

Today was the unveiling of the new Krusty stamp. Postal patrons were asked to choose between two competing designs-- one of Krusty's heartwarming smile, and one of his fiery death. By a nearly two-tO-One vote, the smiling Krusty was chosen.

Look. He's fitting right now.

Did you girls watch the last episode of MASH? That Mike Farrell really boils my "potata." I miss-a da Klinger already.

Oh! Superintendent Chalmers! What are you doing in that ridiculous duffel, Seymour? And is that burning literature I smell? Uh-- W-W-Well, sir, I, uh-- There'd better be a good explanation for this. There is, sir. Ah! Then I'm happy.

Well, well. Look at the city slicker pulling up in his fancy German car. This car was made in Guatemala. Well, pardon us, Mr. Gucci Loafers. I bought these shoes from a hobo. Well, la-dee-da, Mr. Park Avenue Manicure. I'm sorry. I believe in good grooming.

Look behind you, Radioactive Man! The sun is exploding again! Bart, why are you talking like that? Yeah, and who the hell are you talkin' to? Marge, do you have other men in this house? Radioactive men?

No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. Yes. Er, um, I mean, no. No.

Lisa, her teeth are big and green Lisa, she smells like gasoline Lisa, da-da-da Disa she is my sist-a her birthday, I missed-a. Uh, no. Bart, we've got to get to your real feelings about your sister.

(SIGHS) I really don't care anymore. All useless. The credits really have to go this long?

Ow! Ow! Ow! What the hell is wrong with you? Gee! Sorry! It's a pretty standard stunt, Homer.

And now we 're back.. to Touch the Stove. So, Kevin, I hear you collect amusing postcards. Yeah. It all started when- Touch the stove.

Oh, that's good. That's good, 'cause I want trouble. Then we're agreed. There'll be trouble. Oh, yeah! Lots of trouble. - Trouble it is! - For you. D'oh!

Dad, it says "Non-Toxic." Well, that's a plus.

It hurts! It hurts! Owee! Owee! Owee! Ow! Mm-hmm. Young man, this stress fracture... will require you to be in a cast for six weeks.

Uh, Mr. President, sir, people are becoming a bit confused... by the way you and your opponent are, well, constantly holding hands. We are merely exchanging long protein strings. If you can think of a simpler way, I'd like to hear it.

Hello, son. Where have you been? Playing with Milhouse. No, you haven't! You've been out gallivanting around... with that floozy of a bigger brother of yours! Haven't you? Haven't you? Look at me! Dad, it just kind of happened. You're taking this too hard.

Because he is the fat, selfish epitome of modern man! Hey, he stole my bit! - Now we shall probe you to see if you are worthy. - Yeah, word for word!

Bill Schultz and Wolf and Silverman. Goldreyer. O'Brien, Doyle, Selman, I don't know what you-- Elliott, I-- I don't know what you're doing here because you're all cut. Pietila, Bridge and "Kuwawahawa."

All right. Time to throw in the Butterfingers. Hmm. It's not even singed. Even the fire doesn't want them.

Sugar ? Yes. Ten, please. Hey, Grampa, top me off. Are you sure your mom lets you kids drink coffee ? For the last time, yes ! Come on ! Give up ! Huh ? Doh !

Get up, "Liser."

Hello, my name is Mr. Burns. I believe you have a letter for me. Okay, Mr. Burns. Uh, what's your first name ? I don't know.

Oh, no. It's Dad. What's going on? And I want a nongay explanation! Uh, we're drunk. Really drunk. Oh, thank God!

Hey, it was all a coincidence. Yup! There's your answer, fish bulb. Well, it was a good ride while it lasted. Come on, kids. Let's go home. We are home. That was fast.

Now, here's one of our favorite Duff beer commercials... from the early 1950s. Only Duff fills your "Q" zone... with pure beer goodness. So drink up... and up... and up!

Two hundred and thirty nine pounds ! Oh, I'm a blimp. Why are all the good things so tasty ? From now on, exercise every morning.

Will the Simpsons be attending our little retreat ? Oh, well, it's very tempting. Really, a wonderful idea. Marge ! Whoa ! What are you doing ? Are you insane ? No ! Give me the pencil ! We'll be there. Doh !

Why, you little--

I'm happy to announce... that another union has joined us in a sympathy strike. The Piano Tuners Local 412! Piano tuners?

She's no hoochie! Her name is Zelda, and she understands me. Grampa, I gotta tell ya. She's a stone-cold hoochie. Straight up, Marge.

Ruff! Rough? I don't know. You've been pitchin' that all night. Chewy? Chewy! That's inspired!

You! Homer, thank God. You gotta help me here.

Miss North Carolina. Miss Indiana. Miss Alaska. Kids, I won't be home tonight, so I'm leaving you some low-cal microwavable TV dinners.

Uh, you got any of those Where's Waldo? books? No. Anything from the vampire's point of view? No.

Barney, how did you join the group? They found me on the men's room floor.

Well, Seymour, it seems we put together... a baseball team, and I was wondering-- Who's on first? Yes. Not the pronoun, but rather a player... with the unlikely name of Who is on first. Yes. Well, that's just great, Seymour.

- Yo! Doctor "S." Have you seen Milhouse today? - No. - Okay. Thanks. - Wait. Did you know that there's a direct correlation... between the decline of Spirograph and the rise in gang activity? - Think about it. - I will. No, you won't.

I, too, owe many thanks to Lester and Eliza. This is a great vindication for anybody who was ever taking a bath, went to get the paper, fell down and had the door slam behind them and the doorknob break off. And I'd like to thank Lester for reuniting me with my estranged wife.

Uh, purpose of visit? Oh, you're gonna love it in Cuba, Marge. There's shredded pork everywhere! It's carne de burro. Nice to meet you.

Lisa made me with a witch's spell! It's called Wicca, and it's empowering! Wicca's a Hollywood fad! That's Kabbalah, jerk! (GRUNTING) Stupid kids ruin everything!

All right. I can't waste any more time. People's lives are depending on me. Mr. Sulu, make a left! Aye, aye, Captain. Setting course for Rigel Seven. I mean home.

I am talking to the collection-money thief! Only you can come forward and end this injustice! Oh, what the heck. It was jessica Lovejoy! If you search her room, I am certain you will find the money!

Wait. I'm confused about the movie. So the cops knew that Internal Affairs was setting them up? What are you talking about? There's nothing like that in there. You see, when I get bored I make up my own movie. I have a very short attention span.

Behold the future of comedy. Poochie! - They fight and bite - and bark - they fight and fight and bite - and bark fight, fight, fight woof, woof, woof the itchy and scratchy and poochie show

Can I play the piano anymore Of course you can Well, I couldn't before Dr. Zaius, Dr. Zaius This play has everything. Oh, I love legitimate theater.

This Civil War cannon has been fully restored... and is in ready-to-fire condition. But it's a good thing we're not firing it, because it happens to be aimed at the main support leg of that lookout tower. People don't realize that these cannons are very sensitive,

Some guys like a challenge, not me.

There haven't been any ominous signs. (GROWLING) Follow me. (SCREAMS) It's just not working out, Barry. Yeah, I guess I better study for the police exam again. Good luck. You, too.

I taught Paul McCartney to go "Whoo!" "Purple Rain!" Shut up!

Give us the money! Elmo knows where you live.

I can't believe we paid to see a band... with Steve Guttenberg, Calista Flockhart, and Farty the Crippled Robot. Look who's in my fart-- O.J. I'm gonna kill you all. Aaah. Aaah. Aaah.

Oh, my God! Damn you, snow!

I know. I'm in the zipper club myself. - Ahh! - You seem okay. Yeah? Well, I got news for ya. This ain't makeup. They say the greatest tragedy is when a father outlives his son.

Dr. Zaius, Dr. Zaius Dr. Zaius, Dr. Zaius Dr. Zaius, Dr. Zaius oh, Dr. Zaius Dr. Zaius, Dr. Zaius

That horoscope was baloney. Nothing happened except for... the pickax in my head, the rattlesnake bite and the testicle thing.

So this is my life. At least I've done better than Dad.

in a variety of sexually explicit positions. What? Oh. Hey! It's not really me. I used a stunt butt. Krusty, we're from the network. We have some bad news. I'm afraid your show's been canceled. I thought this would happen. I just hope you replace me with something as educational... and uplifting as I tried to be.

Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! We're here. Howdy, partner. Four score and seven blocks ago, my-- Aah! Aah!

I've been waiting for you. Come in, my captivating one.

Yeah, you. Uh, yeah. Uh, I was wonderin', do you, uh-- What's your policy on, uh, lunch?

(LASER SHOTS FIRED) (GIRLS SCREAMING) What should we click on next? JIMBO: "Boxer shot by wife"? "Beauty pageant diarrhea"? KEARNEY: Here's a new one. "Big-ass Baryshnikov." (CLICKING) (GRUNTING)

(SUCKLING) That's it, kids. Suckle daddy's sugar ball.

If you want to make fun of my legendary love of cashews-- you have at it. Uh-huh. All right. Uh, how many times a day do you go to the can? Oh, about 40, I suppose. When are we going on the air? We're on the air now, Skeletor. What? Question two: How long is your wiener? Seriously. Great heavens! What kind of Radiola show is this?

You don't want to sit with the rest of the scum. - I only consider you scum compared to Krusty. - Well, right. I can see that. I'll have the cannoli. You see how you scum.

Tomorrow night at 8:00, you go down to the waterfront, and you steal my car. What about the cops? That's the beauty part. Every cop in town's gonna be on the police department's Moonlight Charity Cruise, and I'm gonna be right there with 'em.

I moved here from Canada, and they think I'm slow, eh?

Hey, Homie, did you try the punch ? Snap out of it, Marge. You've gotta come with me. The boss is going to make a toast. Well, I'm not much of a drinker. Why, you picked a perfect time to start.

Ooh! It must be Chinese New Year! Ah, people buy 'em when they're small and cute, then they flush 'em down the toilet.

From this day forward, I vow to live life to its fullest. Strike ! That's three in a row. Let's see that one again. The throw. There it is. Here it comes. Note the excellent wrist-- just about to go in the gutter, and then a nice spin.

You knocked his block off! Come with me.

Oh, those Golden Grahams Oh, those Golden Grahams Crispy, crunchy graham cereal Brand-new breakfast treat

The last angry clown, the man who spews truth from every orifice, ladies and gentlemen, Krusty. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I'm watchin' TV today-- Whoo! TV, yeah!

The Internet wasn't created for mockery. It was supposed to help researchers at different universities share data sets. It was. (DOOR BELL RINGING) Hello. I'm Deion Overstreet. The running back for the San Antonio Cow Skulls? Five-time rushing leader, two-time MVP, and star of a Disney Channel movie.

- f Woman Screams] - m f Organ f

but I don't like the word "boss." Look at my feet. Okay. You like those moccasins? Look in your closet. There's a pair for you. Don't like 'em? Then neither do I! Get the hell outta here! Ha! - Ever seen a guy say good-bye to a shoe? - Yes, once.

Well, it's Bart Simpson. Come on in. You're just in time for Sponge-bath the Old Folks Day. Help yourself, but stay above the equator.

It's drinking the water!

"Follow... the--"

We're all gonna die!

Tonight, When Dinosaurs Get Drunk-- Hmm. Oh. Oh, I've been there, man. ...has been canceled. What? Instead we bring you The Boring World of Niels Bohr.

To alcohol, the cause of and solution to... all of life's problems.

You leave Mr. Burns out of this! Smithers! Smi-thers!

"Good night, room. Good night, moon. Good night, cow jumping over the moon." Please, children, scooch closer. Don't make me tell you again about the scooching. You in the red, chop-chop. Hmm.

Help! Kitenge! Now, Simpsons! Run for it. Huh? Good old Kitenge.

How can you vote for Burns's movie? Let's just say it moved me... to a bigger house! Oops. I said the quiet part loud and the loud part quiet. Oh, dear.

Somebody hired me for an emergency bachelor party.

Isn't mid-season just a dumping ground for second-rate shows... that weren't good enough for the fall schedule? You're thinking of all the other years. This year's shows are classics. There's The Laughter Family. That's animated. Networks like animation 'cause they don't have to pay the actors squat! Plus they can replace them, and no one can tell the diddly-ifference.

If I could walk with the animals Talk with the animals Grunt and squeak and squawk with the animals Good Lord! Doctor Doolittle is Chief Wiggum. This bird's gonna fly! Aaah!

Here's a check for $106,000, "to enjoy as you see fit." - Oh, I'm touched. - $106,000 ? Ta-ta, Mr. Simpson. By the way, old-timer. I do wills. Why don't I just give you this pen with my phone number on it ? It looks just like a cigar. Isn't that something ?

And now our feature presentation. If that's a phrase you like to hear, then you'll love Movie Call! Start the movie! Start the movie! Start the movie! Start the movie!

Congratulations! David Crosby, you're my hero! Oh, you like my music? You're a musician?

We need someone so irritating... that Ned simply will not be able to repress his rage. Homer, can you be that annoying? I-- What? Get in the booth.

Let's dig. That's right. Dig some more. Oh, we make quite a duo. Burns and Associate. No, no! What am I thinking? Burns and Teammate.

(ALL GASP) Oh, I should've gone with the button fly. (SOBBING) (LAUGHING) (AUDIENCE LAUGHING ON TV) (GROANS)

You are going to crash and burn, my fatheaded friend. See? We're still friends. Come on. Give us a cuddle.

It's the Krusty Komedy Klassic. Hey, hey! It's great to be back at the Apollo Theater and-- "K.K.K."? That's not good. Oh! Ah! Oh! What? Hey! Oh!

Surely there's no harm... in laying in the middle of a public street.

Well, then, what can we do to make you happy ? I wanna go back to my old class. Oh, but, Bart, don't you remember the boredom, the ennui, the intellectual malaise ? Yeah, well, you know, kinda, um, but I was thinking I could go undercover. Undercover ? Bart, I'm intrigued. Go on.

It's a glandular problem! Ooh! Morlocks. C.H.U.D.'s. Mole people! There is no escape from the fortress of the moles! Oh, except that.

Get up, "Liser." President Kennedy! That's right, "Liser." Academics are important. But you must also train your body with vigor. That's why I created the President's Council on Physical Fitness. Er, ah, yes.

Could I turn on the radio?

Raindrops keep fallin' on my head but that doesn't mean my eyes Will soon be turning Red

All right, here's the deal. Every time you watch my show, - I will send you $40! - Checks will not be honored.

Hey, get away from that! Leave him alone! It said I was gay! You all right, Grampa? Oh, daiSy, dais--

The doctor said I wouldn't have so many nosebleeds... if I kept my finger out of there.

Whee, I'm Dick Tracy! Bam! Take that, Prune Face! Now I'm Prune Face! Take that, Dick Tracy! Now I'm Prune Tracy! Take that, Dick-- Ned, stop it at once! Stop it!

Hey, kids. It's-- Hey. Why is it destroying other toys? They must have programmed it to eliminate the competition. You mean like Microsoft? Exactly. Come on, Bart. We've gotta warn everyone.

"Dear Homer, I.O.U. one emergency doughnut. Signed, Homer." Bastard! He's always one step ahead.

To choose from a list of felonies, press two. If you are being murdered or are calling from a rotary phone, please stay on the line. You have selected regicide. If you know the name of the king or queen being murdered, press one.

Oh, no, you don't. Oh, yes, I do. Oh, yeah? Eat my dust! - Wow. Someone sure likes his kidney mush. - Damn right.

I'll keep it short and sweet. Family, religion, friendship. These are the three demons you must slay if you wish to succeed in business. When opportunity knocks, you don't want to be driving to the maternity hospital... or sitting in some phony-baloney church. Or synagogue. Questions?

I want a colossal doughnut, just like the one on the sign. D'oh! Nuts! That's false advertising! Sorry, sir. No refunds. I paid for a colossal doughnut, and I'm gonna get a colossal doughnut. You don't scare us.

Guys, I'd like you to meet Artie Ziff. Hello, handsome! Hello! Losers.

It's made you weak as a kitten. Look! Hey, come on. Quit it. Coochy coochy coo! Stop. Please stop. Oh, you swing like a girl. Come on, now. Please have mercy. Got your nose. Not funny. How 'bout this little bee?

This is a thousand monkeys working at a thousand typewriters. Soon, they'll have written the greatest novel known to man. Let's see. "It was the best of times, it was the 'blurst' of times"? You stupid monkey! Oh, shut up.

we're both utterly humorless about our vegetarianism, and we both love the Rolling Stones. Yes, not For their music, but for their tireless efforts to preserve historic buildings.

I don't wanna go. So if he asks me to go, I'll just say yes. Wait! Are you sure that's how this sort of thing works? Shut up, brain, or I'll stab you with a Q-tip.

Ma'am, would you be interested in changing your long distance service, if-- What th-- She hung up on me. What did I do?

Hey, thanks, everybody. You know, I'm here today as Luke Skywalker, but I'm also here to talk about Sprint. As you can see, you stand to save up to 17 cents a month over the more dependable providers.

No. I-- I-- I mean just the Flanders family. Oh, okay. Oh, boy! Grandma!

Destroy him. Blah, blah, blah. Look at me-- Ow!

Lisa, if you don't like your Job, you don't strike. You just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That's the American way.

Come on, Mom. Yeah, Mom. Hurry up. All right. Mmm. How about "he" ?

Don't. No. Get out. Get out of here. Get your hands off.

Make way for Willie! I said make way for Willie, ya bloated gasbag!

But I'll pass your file along to-- Brown. Mmm. Heck of a school. Weren't you at Brown, Otto? Yep. Almost got tenure too. No! Not Brown! Brown. Brown. Brown. Lisa, you're saying "Brown" an awful lot. Are you okay?

Always too busy stridin' about his atom mill to call his own mother. I'll give him what for till he cries brassafrax!

FEMALE SINGER: So deep in my heart You're really a part of me

I have no son! Great, we came all this way, and it's the wrong guy. I didn't mean that literally!

Testing. Testing! Testing! Testing. Testing. Testing. Testing.

Okay, Homer, stay calm. just quietly get this stuff inside your house.

Springfield Stadium has caught additional seating capacity fever. Whoo-hoo. Go, S.U.! A&M is gonna kick your ivy-covered butts. Yeah? Well, you went to a cow college. Oh, you're only calling us a cow college 'cause we were founded by a cow.

What could they possibly owe you? I mean, if anything, you owe them.

Oooh! Ahhh... Hey, Homer.

Here's your quote. "Thomas Pynchon loved this book "almost as much as he loves cameras." Hey, over here! Have your picture taken with a reclusive author. Today only, we'll throw in a free autograph. But wait! There's more! Hello, this is Tom Clancy.

And when it's time to do the dishes, where's Ray Bolger? I'll tell ya. Ray Bolger is lookin' out for Ray Bolger!

And, finally, Moe's Tavern has contributed a coupon... as their way of saying "Welcome to Springfield." Thank you. This is all so nice. I actually had some doubts about moving to Springfield, especially after that Time cover story, "America's Worst City." You could see our house in that photo. Oh.

Glove slap, baby A glove slap, baby Glove slap Baby, glove slap Glove slap i don't take crap Glove slap shut your big yap

Quoth the Raven: Nevermore.

Oh, glory of glories! Oh, heavenly testament to the eternal majesty of God's creation! Holy macaroni!

Two plus two is four. Two plus two is four.

And the number one reference that I am running into the ground is... Homer simpson. Ay, ay, es Homer Simpson. Me ha molestado. ¡Oh!

I've sold monorails to Brockway, Ogdenville and North Haverbrook. Is there a chance the track could bend? I call the big one Bitey. I've sold monorails to Brockway, Ogdenville and North Haverbrook. Is there a chance the track could bend? I call the big one Bitey.

Prove me wrong, kids. Prove me wrong.

One man, he resist Hello, Springfield! It's me-- Homer! What the bloody hell? Quiet, you. I know you youngsters want to see these rockin' rockers, but I also know you care about the race for sanitation commissioner.

But you can't do this! I saved the children's lives! I'm a hero! Tell them they'll live to regret this. You'll live to regret this! Oh, thanks a lot. Now I look crazy.

Whoa-ho! Texas snowball fight! Ow! Bart, that has nuts in it. Hey, I thought your mother told you to take a bath.

Good-bye, Lisa. I know you'll make me proud. Good-bye, Bart. I like your sheets.

Don't thank me. Thank our many debts and obligations. (SCREAMS) (GAGGING) Honey! Stop kidding around! Honey? (SCREAMS) Brenda, I'm afraid your husband had no insurance.

You need job? I have job for you. You take these. You hang Thai menu on door. I get more business. Send daughters to small liberal arts college-- Swarthmore, maybe Sarah Lawrence. Call professors by first name. Hah! Dynamite!

Bart, did you take out the garbage like I asked? Indeed I did. D'oh! Hey, you goats get out of here!

Frankly, I'll be quite relieved when we get back to England, and we won't have to deal with them. Are you saying we won't see my family again? Well, possibly your mother will come when the children are born. I can't believe I'm hearing this! - I don't want to cut my family out of my life! - Really?

Ah! Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah! You idiot! You nearly drank a beaker full of sulfuric acid.

Come back ! Your hat ! You're supposed to eat breakfast ! Wear your galoshes ! Cowabunga !

Hmm. Ow! Pointy. Eww! Slimy. Uh-oh! Moving. Aha! Aw. Twenty dollars. I wanted a peanut. Twenty dollars can buy many peanuts. Explain how. Money can be exchanged for goods and services. Whoo-hoo! Whoa!

Mr. Burns, as we're running long, may we skip your speech and go directly to the questions? Mr. Burns, a two-part question.

Big game fever is reaching a fevered pitch... as the fevered rivalry between Springfield U and Springfield A&M spreads like wild fever-- Th-This is writing? I'm sorry, Uncle Kent. I lost my thesaurus.

Oh, I love-- Moral whuzzah? An A-plus! How did you do it? Oh, let's just say I had help from a little magic box. You changed your grade with a computer? D'oh! Way to go, Dad! The important thing is that we all learned a lesson.

Greetings, earthlings. I am Kang. Do not be frightened. We mean you no harm.

- And what's the score? - Dirty love-- I mean, 30-love. I mean, anyone for penis? I'll just get the shuttlecock. Oh!

We take 18 ounces of sizzling ground beef and soak it in rich creamery butter. Then we top it off with bacon, ham, and a fried egg. We call it the Good Morning Burger. I've got to help him.

Hey, I got off pretty easy. Neddy, uh, wait. Where you goin'? AlOha, oi

Well, good night, Son. Um, Dad? Yeah? What is the mind? Is it just a system of impulses,

Missed one, Dad. See you in hell, dinner plate. Does anyone know where all my dinner plates went? Um-- You probably left 'em at work.

Oh, Lisa, you saved me! And after all the bad things I said about you. What bad things? Why?

Homer, what gives with this review? You say "the salad tastes like bark"... and the potatoes were very "Grrrrr!" This reads like it was written by a dog. Are you crazy? A dog can't type. Unfortunately.

A diner? It's perfect! We can hide out here until the heat's off. You took the signs out of the window? That's pretty presumptuous. How do you know I'm gonna hire you? Sorry. I just want to be a broom boy so bad.

By gum, it worked. I've awakened in the future. "Moon Pie." What a time to be alive. Hey, who unplugged my freezer? Return to your state of living death at once, sir.

Hi, I'm Troy McClure. You may remember me from such TV spin-offs as Son of Sanford and Son and After Mannix. I'm here at the Museum of TV and Television... with a real treat for Simpsons fans, if any, because tonight we present The Simpsons Spin-Off Showcase.

So, any idea where this bastard lives ? Bart ! His parents aren't married, are they ? It's the correct word, isn't it ? - I guess he's got us there. - Hmm ! Bastard, bastard, bastard Bart ! Bart ! Bart ! Bastard, bastard, bastard "2148." This is it.

Krusty the Clown, how do you plead ? I plead guilty, Your Honor. Oh. I mean, not guilty. Opening night jitters, Your Honor.

Ahh, ballet. Hee-hee-hee. All right. Whoo-hoo! Yea! Yeah!

The parrots can, but--

Hmm. Pablo Neruda said laughter is the language of the soul. I am familiar with the works of Pablo Neruda.

This meatball soup is delicious, Stimpy. That's not meatball soup. That's my collection of fur balls in stomach acid. You idiot! You're trying to kill me, man!

In desperation, the city is considering more unorthodox solutions. Grasping the child firmly in his talons, Socrates here will fly him to safety. just watch. I don't think he's coming back.

Come on, Barney. If you're gonna be General Grant, you have to have a drink.

Oh, I wish, I wish I hadn't killed that fish.

Good Lord! Gigantism!

Here's our room. Homer, you're supposed to slide those doors open. I don't have time for that. Welcome. I am honored to accept your waste.

I learned to read because of you, Principal Skinner. Sir, I baked you these raisin roundies. Principal Skinner, I got carsick in your office.

Huh? We're shutting you down. Not a chance. No one can silence me but me! That arranged can be. Wha--

This tank is releasing the full potential of my brain. Ooh, ee, ooh, ah-ah Ting, Tang, walla-walla bing-baNg ooh, ee, ooh, ah-ah walla, bing-bang ting-ting too

And the number one reference that I am running into the ground is... Homer simpson. Ay, ay, es Homer Simpson. Me ha molestado. ¡Oh!

Homer, we're out of vodka.

You told me about that candy bar you found three times.

Oh, thank you, Homie. A Lady Remington.

What’s this? "Extremely high voltage." Well, I dont need safety gloves because I'm Homer Simp-

I think I come off very well. Monster! Run, children! Apu Nahasapeemapetilon, you have disgraced the Kwik-E-Mart corporation. But, sir, I was only following standard procedure. Ah, true. But it's also standard procedure... to blame any problems on a scapegoat or sacrificial lamb.

What would my parents think of me now? Make us proud, Son. Never forget who you are. Don't make the same mistake I did.

We did it! We're number one! We're rich!

Oh, my God! The dead have risen, and they're voting Republican!

Oh, crikey! You gave me a smash on the noggin last year. Not in my parlor, you don't. Aah! Me eyes! I'm scalded, I am!

Because you need me, Springfield. Your guilty conscience may force you to vote Democratic. But deep down inside, you secretly long... for a coldhearted Republican to lower taxes, brutalize criminals... and rule you like a king!

Maybe the drawings were a little crude, but all the characters were there. Itchy and Scratchy, Grampa Simpson... and Krusty the Clown. When we return, more classic moments--

Let's take the trophy route to the den. Twelve Newsies. Seven Iron Mikes. Four Golden Coifs. This is the most prestigious award that Del Monte gives.

Good heavens! Th-This is a palace! H-How in the world can you afford... to live in a house like this, Simpson? I don't know. Don't ask me how the economy works. Yeah, but look at the size of this place. I live in a single room above a bowling alley... and below another bowling alley. Wow.

Cowabunga, dudes.

Oh! Dear God, no!

You really should've voted, Homer. It wouldn't have made a difference. Lights out, you punk kids! Yea! We took back the night! Hey, fellas! Hey, you wanna stop with the kicking?

So what you're saying is I'm indestructible. Oh, no, no. In fact, even a slight breeze could-- Indestructible.

You’re Baby Stink Breath! You’re Baby Stink Breath! En francais. Vous étes i 'entant Stink Breath!

Quittin' time. Let's go, Homer. We're stopping at Moe's for a Zima. Maybe I'll just stay and work overtime. My sisters-in-law are at my house again. Homer, quit wallowing in self-pity. Pull yourself together and come get drunk with us.

Oh, oh Oh, oh Ah, just remember Always safety first

Men, there's a little crippled boy... sitting in the hospital who wants you to win this game. I know because I crippled him myself to inspire you. Well, I hope they win, or Mr. Burns said he's coming back.

Yeah, forget the doughnuts. We're here to go nuts. Musically, that is. What kind of song should we play? Something that swings with the beat of New Orleans. No. Something that rocks. That's the sound of today. - Swings! - Rocks! Swings! Swings! - Rocks! - Rocks!

I'm telling you. I didn't do anything. I don't care. Ouch! My glasses!

So say a bittersweet farewell to such old friends as mud pies, Bite 'Ems, Éclairios, Chew 'ems, Kellogg's All-Fudge, Big Red Snack Foam, Milk Chuds, Eat 'Ems. And all sugar pills will be changed back to highly concentrated opiates.

Oh, what's the use in hiding? I gotta go back to Springfield and face the music.

J Gypsies, tramps and thievesJ J We'd hear it from the people JJ Are you aware that your daughter's gay? - Boy, those guys are such leeches. - Moe, what are you doing here? Cant your old buddy Moe stop by with a list of questions from the Weekly World News? Number one, Sara, is it true you shoplifted a kayak?

We'll be with you in a minute, kids. This could be our ticket out of here, Mel.

Just like Cinderella The prince solved the mystery Well, I conducted the test myself And that slip looks just the right size for me Well, I like that girl

Hey, this says we should feed him lots of eggs and olive oil to ensure a glossy coat. Oh, yeah. A dog like this you have to feed every day. He's trained to do all sorts of stuff. He can herd sheep and perform C.P.R. "Some call it the dog that never sleeps, though it actually does while jogging."

watch me hit him right between the eyes. What are you doing ? Show a little respect, you insolent little thugs. We're really scared. Hey ! Hey, you ! Hey ! Hey, you !

Oh, Homer ! Have you ever seen a kung fu movie ? It was just like that. But now I know her moves. So, if you're listening to me, lady, you'd better think long and hard before trying something like this on Homer Simpson again !

"Look at me. I'm a grad student. I'm 30 years old, "and I made $600 last year." Bart, don't make fun of grad students. They just made a terrible life choice.

Greetings, good man. Might I trouble you for a drink? Oh, get outta here, Homer. Homer? Who is Homer? My name is Guy incognito.

You hit her pretty hard there, Rick.

(GRUNTING) Three, two, one, and you're canceled! Strike the set. You have five minutes to get off the lot. Oh...

Laddie! Come here, boy! Who wants to lick a messy baby? Laddie?

My homework is in your park. Let's do it! Yoink! What does freedom mean to me?

I'm on the highway to hell on the highway to hell highway to hell I'm on the highway to hell

Dear God, it's Homer. If you really love me, you'll save my life now. D'oh!

(SPEAKING IN MANDARIN) Wait a second. I've read that you speak excellent English. Shut up, kid. I got a good thing going here.

How are you feelin', big brother?

You can't stop me ! The hell I can't !

"B," "C," "D," "A," "B..."

It's not your fault, Homer. I guess there's just no room... in today's crazy, gentle America for violent dinosaurs like us.

Abracadabra. - The crystal says your baby shall be a girl! - Shut up!

(ALSO SPRACH ZARATHUSTRA PLAYING) (BOTH LAUGHING)

Attention, Springfield. We have barricaded ourselves in the school... and are not coming down until our demands are met. Willie hears ya. Willie don't care. Obviously, you two have no experience causing a scene.

We've come for the angel, Homer. It's not safe with the unbeliever. It's gone! We're too late. Little girl, what have you done with our precious angel? Nothing! Someone must have stolen it.

Usually the blood gets off at the second floor.

Ah, please come in! Maggie smells bad, and the cat wants something, but I don't know what.

Yeah, I was gettin' sick of running those unions. So much paperwork. Knock-knock. Excuse me. My friend and I were interested in purchasing quality fireworks. Yes, we are. Why, I'd be delighted to sell you some illegally smuggled goods. Fat Tony, is that you? Fat Tony?

Get your own angel, you moocher!

I could do this all day. And I just might.

This time, why don't you listen to your brain? All right, I will. (UKULELE MUSIC PLAYING) That's why I don't listen to my brain.

Well, I don't wanna wait another minute to find out whether you love me anymore. I think that you should... - look me in the eyes and find out. - Oh ! Homer, look at me ! All right, all right.

Yeah, I wanna dedicate this fight to my manager Vinnie... who got me here and then... passed away just two weeks ago.

Coming soon, it's Truckasaurus: The Movie, starring Marlon Brando as the voice of john Truckasaurus. You crazy car. I don't know whether... to eat you or kiss you. Celebrity voice impersonated.

And who could forget dear Rat Boy? Rat Boy? I resent that. Bart, I told you before. Stop gnawing on the drywall. What a day, eh, Milhouse?

Hey, the burglar left his calling card. "You have just been robbed by the Springfield Cat Burglar." Cute.

Dream Dream, dream, dream Dream Oh, Jar Jar, everyone hates you but me. In my arms When I want you--

Cobras! English - US - Line 21

Born mighty big he continued to expand Thanks to a hopped-up pituitary gland Hey! I'll get ya!

Wow! Very impressive. You're a natural, Mr. Simpson. Really? Uh-huh. All you need is your own set of clubs. And stay the hell out of my locker! You can keep the shoes.

Don't you have school? Don't you have work? Ah, touchÉ!

Maggie's teeth are coming in crooked. Has she been sucking on a pacifier? - Uh... not to my knowledge. - Liar!

And now, to present the award here's former heavyweight champion Smokin' joe Frazier. Webster's Dictionary defines excellence as "the quality or condition of being excellent."

Lisa, wait! Being myself didn't work. Being someone else didn't work. Maybe I just wasn't meant to have friends. Lisa is gonna freak when she sees this.

"On this battleground in 1881, 56 Indians lost their lives... and four brave Americans lost their hats." Those poor hats.

This is the way we mop the floor, mop the floor mop the floor Oh, must you bray night and day at that infernal television? Oh, look who's talking.

HAWKING: Badda-bing, badda-boom. And we're done.

That's the way, uh-huh, uh-huh I like it, uh-huh, uh-huh Time traveler discount? Come on in! i like it, uh-huh, uh-huh

Oh, my hero! At your service, milady. Cara mia.

(MUTTERING NERVOUSLY) (DONKEY BRAYING) What did you say about my mother! (YELLING) You'll fry up nice tonight!

Hey, these are Red Vines! There you go, sweetie. Daddy got you your candy. Homie, I'm worried you're turning into some kind of super cuckoo stage mother. Yeah. For once, couldn't you just turn into a good father? Would that be so hard? Hey, give me a break.

You got all your equipment, Dad? Let's see. Sweatbands, check. Anti-chafing nipple tape, check, check, and check. Attention, runners. On your mark, get set, now get outta here before I change my mind.

No apology! Not until he admits he's a jerk!

Acid, eh? Gee. That would have been stupid. Boy, would my face have been red.

Those were the dAys and you knew where you were then Watching shows like gentle Ben Mister, we could use A man like sheriff lobo again diSco duck and fleetwood Mac

Why do birds suddenly appear Every time You are near Just like me - They long to be Ohh.

That's it! You people have stood in my way long enough!

As for the rest of it, I'm gonna buy the one thing I've been dreaming of... all the years I spent in the gutter: a solid gold house.

Happy birthday to me happy birthday to me happy birthday, overlooked middle child happy birthday to me

Okay. I want pizza, and I want it delivered by Krusty the Clown. Hmm. Hmm. Hey, it's Krusty the Pizza Man! All right. Where's my 400 bucks? Hey, wait. How can you be here when your show's on live?

Ah, yes-- my lowest ebb. You can't take my Emmy. You know the rules: awards for entertainment are contraband. No Emmys, no Oscars, not even a Golden Globe. But kismet be kind, well as cruel.

All right. You listen up, you little freaks! The fun stops here. You're gonna shut your stinkin' traps and behave, damn it! This is one substitute you're not gonna screw with! Marge Simpson. Hello, class!

I'm sorry, Dad. It's all right. I understand. But we really could have used that $12,000. Um, Dad, 10% of $120 million isn't 12,000. It's-- Code blue. Code blue.

Nothing yet. Now, make no mistake. When I say "first aid," I'm not talking about some sort of charity rock concert.

I'll take him out, sir. Shake, shake, shake shake, shake, shake Shake, shake, shake His ass is gonna blow!

Ha-ha! Ha-ha! I'm afraid we've got no legal recourse against Mr. Burns and his slant-drilling operation. The oil belongs to whoever pumped it first. What about all the expensive stuff we wanted? Can we still have it? No!

I've learned that in two weeks the Springfield Museum of Natural History... will be closing forever due to a lack of interest. I urge you to see it while you can.

Cleanup in all the aisles.

Hey, Simpson. I'm feeling a mite peckish. Mind if I chew your ear? Dad, you killed the Zombie Flanders. He was a zombie?

I'm sorry, young man. You're just not ready. Pick up your check at the front office, and for God's sake, put some clothes on ! I guess it's back to good old Springfield. But I can't go back, not after I've seen the bright lights of Capital City.

he's traumatizing the children. As usual, I agree with you. Bart, shut that off and take your seat immediately.

Oh, Lisa. Haven't you seen Home Alone? If some burglars come, it'll be a very humorous and entertaining situation.

We're Cyanide. A loving tribute to Poison. We need a ride home!

Mrs. Krabappel ! Mrs. Krabappel ! Bart, not another word out of you, or I'll subject you to the humiliation... of making you sing in front of the class. Can I pick the song ? No. The song will be "john Henry Was a Steel Drivin' Man."

Mmm. Sixty-four slices of American cheese. Sixty-four. Sixty-three. Two.

You promised Mom you wouldn't wear your dress outside.

Oh, my God. Look at this place. How could this happen? There's candy chewed, wigs pulled from stands, cheese packages poked and repoked.

(ALL GASPING) It was those guys!

That, and getting toasted. Nicely toasted. Homer, I'm sorry. There's nothing worse than a yellow-bellied freak. Unless that's his act. I expect your letter of resignation on my desk. You have a desk? I mean the hood of my car. I'll miss you Pumpkins, but I just can't share your bleak worldview.

Okay, the retest says you're clean. Sorry about the mistake. The only thing I'm high on is love-- love for my son and daughters. Yes, a little L.S.D. is all I need. All right. Sounds very good.

Now there's so many cuts here, look, I'll just post 'em up and you just see where your name is. Ooh, look at how many cuts there are there. Oh, boy! You're cut! All of you! He's cut. I cut you!

Yeah, "groovy."

Lucy! You hit her pretty hard there, Rick. Say, folks, what's all the ruckus?

Here's an impression of Mr. Burns that you might find a little cheeky. I'm Mr. Burns. Blah, blah, blah. Do this, do that. Blah, blah, blah. I think I'm so big. Blah, blah, blah! Destroy him.

funny foam. They took the foam off the market because they found out it was poisonous. But if you ask me, if you're dumb enough to eat it, you deserve to die.

Krusty! "To audience, I now proclaim this new burger... for sale!"

Ah, Love Story. The little picture that could. Was Paramount chomping at the bit to make it? You better believe they weren't. But once that tearjerker hit john Q. Popcorn, it was boffo boo-hoo box office all the way. And the critics loved it too. I remember Vincent Canby said--

'Cause if you don't, I'll never believe anything you say... ever again.

They fight, they bite they fight aNd bite and fight fight, fight, fight bite, bite, bite the itchy and scraTchy show

Of the skies Hark the Herald Angels sing Glory to the new born King

The Simpsons D'oh!

Hello? Is this, uh, G.B.M.?

"I," the income she Will make "T" is For her tooth-filled mouth "T" is For her tooth-filled mouth Coming up next, a new fad that's sweeping the nation-- wasting food.

"Ooh! Look at me. I'm making people happy. "I'm the magical man from Happy Land, in a gumdrop house on Lollipop Lane." Oh, by the way, I was being sarcastic.

Pretty lame, Milhouse.

My groove! Aw, they mushed it all out of shape. All right. Better put on a pot of coffee, Marge. This could take a while. aw, sookie, Sookie now

just-- just go!

Look at the American computer monkey. Dance, monkey. Dance. (ROARING) Basta. Basta. Take my picture with the Internet Mama Luke. (ROARING) - (GIBBERING) - (BEEPING)

Roman numeral three: Surprise boy in bed-- and, uh, disembowel him. No, I don't like that "bowel" in there. Gut him. Ah, le mot juste.

Paint my fence!

But I learned long ago, Lisa, to tolerate others rather than forcing my beliefs on them.

And then take that, and put that in there, and you-- There's your giraffe, little girl. I'm a boy. That's the spirit. Never give up.

I-- I-- A... divorce? Sure. Divorce. Hey, you got it, toots! And here's a picture even you can figure out! It's a door! Use it! That's a door?

Anyhoo, now that I'm your king again--

Attention, everyone! l was asked to take a dive, but I wont do it. l-N-T-R-A-N-S-l-G-A-N-C-EI You fool! ts "E-N-C-EH Oh, my God! You’re right! I spelled it wrong. I tried my best, and I failed.

Man fall down. Funny.

Namath, you stay. All of those people are cut. Bill Schultz and Wolf and Silverman. Goldreyer. O'Brien, Doyle, Selman, I don't know what you-- Elliott, I-- I don't know what you're doing here because you're all cut. Pietila, Bridge and "Kuwawahawa."

Hi, guys. What ya lookin' at? Uh, I'm just reading up on... artillery. Yes, and I'm pursuing my interest in--

doing... the Monkey. I'm disrupting the learning process, and I love it! First prize! First prize! First prize! First prize!

I can't believe it. Jerry Springer didn't solve our conflict. And now he's dead. Anyhoo, this is your last chance. Turn over the baby now.

Well, with the OmniGog system, those worries are a thing of the past. I'm all right, folks, thanks to my OmniGogs. A little late for Lenny.

Well, with all our savings and the money Grampa wired us, we have $1,200. Oh, that's very nice, honey. That'll buy you, uh, one of my legs or something they call a "mystery bag." I'll get back to you. They have $1,200.

Thank you, Cyndi Lauper. just a reminder, folks. We do have a baseball game today. Oh, right.

Next week on The Simpsons: Don't forget, Dad. Tonight my class is having... an all-you-can-eat spaghetti dinner. Mmm. Spaghetti. But, Homer, tonight's our reception... for Queen Beatrix of the Netherlands. Oh, I hate having two heads.

Look at me. I'm a puffy pink cloud! Oh, well, of course everything looks bad if you remember it.

No! No, you’re lying! You’re lying! What makes you lie?

Happy birthday !

Compadres, it is imperative that we crush the freedom fighters... before the start of the rainy season. And remember, a shiny new donkey... for whoever brings me the head of Colonel Montoya.

So you've got to think of a way I can come home for free. Hmm. You could travel for free if you were a stewardess. Well, how badly do you want to get home? All right, all right. How about a courier? They travel for free too. No, that's a terrier. They're dogs.

All we found were these oozing berries. And they look pretty poisonous. I "eated" the purple berries. Ow. How are they, Ralph? Good? They taste like burning.

I have a funny story, if you listen. I even wrote theme music. Listen. Hey. Hey. Professor Frink Professor Frink He'll make you laugh He'll make you think He likes to run and then the thing with the Person Oh, boy. That monkey is going to pay.

Happy, Dad ? Yes. Good. Commence shoveling. No. We're going to say grace first. Okay. Rub-a-dub-dub, thanks for the grub. No ! Ignore the boy, Lord. Now, Can the chatter, and bow your heads.

Gas, brake, honk. Gas, brake, honk. Honk, honk, punch. Gas, gas, gas.

It's called McBain: Let's Get Silly. Did you ever notice how men always leave the toilet seat up? That's the joke. You suck, McBain!

just ask this scientician. Uh-- He'll tell you that in nature one creature invariably eats another to survive. Don't kid yourself, jimmy.

Bartina, until I met you, I was the loneliest warden in the penal system. Fresh. Oh, down I go.

That improvident lackwit! Always too busy stridin' about his atom mill to call his own mother. I'll give him what for till he cries brassafrax!

Whoa, this is so dangerous.

Hot! Hot! D'oh! Oh, my God! It's burning up! Beer! Beer! Give me some beer! Homer! You promised you wouldn't drink. But I need it!

But I can only pay you in popcorn shrimp. Smell ya later! I can't believe "Smell ya later" replaced "Good-bye." Smell ya later! Smell ya later.

You're not just impersonating a pilot so you can drink here, are ya? Yeah. That's exactly why I'm here. You flyboys. You crack me up. But I keep telling ya, I'm not a pilot! And I keep telling you, you flyboys crack me up! Hi, I'm Alan. I'm your copilot.

Hey, boy, wanna toss the old-- Oh ! Why, that little liar ! I should've-- I was gonna play pickle with him.

He used to tune our piano before we got rid of it.

Whoever you are, I have always depended... on the kindness of strangers.

So whammo, you get stuck in some boring job... where they dont let you play guitar or take pictures of naked women. And all you can do is watch yourself get bald and fat... and kiss your dreams good-bye.

Food goes in here.

Hello, I'm Troy McClure. You might remember me from such films as... The boatjacking of Supership 79... and Hydro: The Man With the Hydraulic Arms. Coming up this hour on the Impulse Buying Network, your chance to own a piece of itchy and Scratchy, the Toontown twosome beloved by everyone-- even cynical members of Generation X.

"Are you a terrorist?" No.

Stop everything! I don't remember writing a check for bowling. Sir, that's a check for your boweling. Oh, yes. That's very important. Yes, sir. Remember that month you didn't do it? Yes, that was unpleasant for all concerned. Anyway, back to the checks. Stop everything! I don't remember writing a check for bowling.

Oh, forget it. Turn on the lasers. Aah! My vision. That's it. Show's over. Good night, Springden. There will be no encores.

I just don't see why one little pill should cost $30. Drugs aren't so expensive in other countries. In other countries, families also lie on the floor and eat bugs. What countries are those? - You ever been to Norway? - No. Well, they do it in Norway. And that's why I personally thank God we pay too much for drugs.

Well, it's 1:00. If you wanna keep me, I'm afraid it's gonna be $45 an hour. Nah, that's okay. I'm broke. I'll walk home. Yeah, why spoil a perfect evening ?

but now it's over. I guess I'll just give up my hopes and dreams... and settle for being a decent husband and father. Homer! Dad! Huh? What happened? You didn't fall. Oh, that.

Oh! I don't see any ghosts. I did find this Newsweek from 1986. Why America loves Saddam Hussein. (EERIE WHISTLING) That's it!

Mmmwha ! A little predinner entertainment. Moe's Tavern. Is Oliver there ? Who ? Oliver Klozoff. Hold on. I'll check. Oliver Klozoff ! Call for Oliver Klozoff !

The man never drank a Duff in his life.

(BEEPS) Whoo-hoo! Free gas!

- Homer, stop picking at it. - Oh! But I'm so sweet and tasty. Well, time to go to work. Dad, I wouldn't go outside if I were you. Don't worry, boys. He's gotta come out of there sometime.

Wow! What an icebreaker.

That guy's hilarious.

Join the navy Join the navy Join the navy It's N'Sync!

Ugh! Ew! I kissed that sad weird kid! My beer! You never had a chance to become my urine. (SOBBING)

Hey, wait up! Aw, crap. It's that Pip-squeak Rudy. What is it, Rudy? Can I come too? Forget it, kid. You're too small to go to the Super Bowl. But what I lack in size I make up for in... obnoxiousness.

Bart, if you don't want to have a babysitter, maybe you should stop being such a baby. Oh, I'm a baby, huh? Well, then I'll act like a baby. Ga-ga! Goo-goo! Even babies know how to open and close their mouths. You need a bib. Oh, baby hate bib.

Welcome to the Knowledgeum. i'm Troy McClure. You may remember me from such automated information kiosks... as "Welcome to Springfield Airport" and "Where's Nordstrom?" While you're enjoying our Hall of Wonders, your car will, unfortunately, be subject to repeated break-ins-- What'd he say? What about my car?

I don't understand it. That was nonalcoholic champagne. Well, Homer, I guess you're the winner by default. "De fault"! Whoo-hoo! The two sweetest words in the English language. De fault, de fault, de--

Milhouse! Hey, you're not Milhouse. No, I'm just Milhouse when he gets hurt. Ohh! Okay. Let's get the real Milhouse over here, under the X-ray truck. Hi, Bart.

Get out, you lousy... season. All right. I'm going. My head hurts. I have to lie down for a while.

Get those bears out of here. I'm trying to do an interview. No bears ! We're taping ! All bears off the set. Okay. Now let's get back to your, uh, husband.

And those ridiculous bets you make. Gambling is the finest thing a person can do, if he's good at it. But you haven't won anything in months. I'll just make more money. Crank out some cheesy merchandise. But you've already merchandised everything-- Krusty's Monopoly game, the Krusty croWd-control barrier. Nothing is selling anymore, not even your new Lady Krusty line.

Ew! The best thing about a gypsy wedding is I'm not the hairiest woman here. Yep. Everything worked out for the best. What? Bart is dead! Well, me saying I'm sorry won't bring him back. The gypsy said it would. She's not the boss of me.

That arranged can be. Wha-- Aaah! Yes! Fight and struggle. If I know me, he won't like being kicked in the crotch. - Gott in Himmel! - Oh, Marge.

we're fed up with all of you whippersnaps We're trying to get some sleep here it's almost 6:15 What's the matter with Don't you treat us lIkE Can't you just lay off We're sick of all of you Kids today

Oh, that's better. Dad, what's wrong? We better get him home. There you go.

I feel so violated!

So, let's review: You two screwballs have just strolled in here fresh from the sewer... and given me a bunch of bulldink about creating Itchy-- with no proof at all-- and you expect me to give you... how much? $800 billion.

Baby. Pirate? No, no, wait a minute! - Pirates are wild! - We are pregnant!

Seasons don't fear the reaper

All right! Bologna and cheese! What do you got, Bart? A pack of sugar and peanut butter smeared on a playing card. Ha-ha! Your mom's a jailbird. - So's yours. - Oh, yeah. Let's play.

The dream was over. Coming up: Was the dream really over? Yes, it was. Or was it? And Homer finds a new passion:

The way people act around here, you'd think the streets were paved with gold. They are.

Oh, you stole my bit!

I didn't know you knew Luke Perry!

You call hamburgers steamed hams? Yes. It's a regional dialect. Uh-huh. Uh, what region? Uh, upstate New York. Really. Well, I'm from Utica, and I've never heard anyone use the phrase "steamed hams." Oh, not in Utica. No. It's an Albany expression. I see.

Homer, You broke the handle. With that hatch open, we'll burn up on reentry! That's it! If I go, I'm taking you to hell with me.

Marge, I would appreciate it if you didn't tell anybody... about my busy hands, not so much for myself, but I am so respected, it would damage the town to hear it. Good night.

And that was Tom and Huck's last adventure. I liked that story, 'cause I was a judge. Delaware! Well, this is our stop. Would you like to come sightseeing with us? We're gonna visit the place where JCPenney sends their damaged merchandise.

Now let's look at the crew a little. They're a colorful bunch. They've been dubbed the Three Musketeers. And we laugh legitimately. There's a mathematician, a different kind of mathematician and a statistician.

Wow, they're hanging on his every word. - Are you thinking what I'm thinking? - I hope so. I thought I made myself clear in Boston.

Your son is a ravenous demon, relentlessly gnawing at all that's good and true. Yeah, he's something else, all right. But worst of all, he drags down the grades of anyone who sits near him. just look at this pattern. Hey, that looks like Bart. And turning to the 3-D map, we see an unmistakable cone of ignorance.

Oh, yeah. So good. Oh, that explains his mysterious trip to Holland.

This shouldn't be too hard to fix-- with the right tools.

Marge, me, and do you think you could dig up Al jolson? Uh, do you remember we did that once before? Oh, that's right. He's dead. And rather pungent. The rest of that night is something I'd like to forget. All right, then. Bring me that crooner she likes so much, Tom jones.

Honey, you really shouldn't eat so much in bed. It's not good for your heart. My heart is just f-- Homie, what is it? just workin' the turkey through. There it goes!

Bart, when you get a little older, you're going to learn that sometimes romances don't turn out... exactly the way you'd like them to. Hmm. That's why I love elementary school, Edna. The children believe anything you tell them.

I just came here to see Honk if You're Horny! in peace.

but on the other hand, it's not like you go to museums or read books or anything. You think I don't want to? It's those TV networks, Marge. They won't let me-- one quality show after another, each one fresher and more brilliant than the last. If they only stumbled once, just gave us 30 minutes to ourselves.

Pure West. And how come Batman doesn't dance anymore? Remember the Batusi?

(SIREN BLARING) (SENIORS GASPING) Yo, yo, yo! Give it up for M.C. Birthday! I say a birth, a day, a birth-a-de-day Now my good time gang will blow you away

And now the moment you've been waiting for. This year's King and Queen of Energy are... Homer Simpson and Mindy Simmons. Huh? Homer, Mindy, you've just won a romantic dinner alone at Madame Chao's, the sexiest Chinese restaurant in Capital City! Is there any way to get out of this? No.

Lucy! You hit her pretty hard there, Rick. Say, folks, what's all the ruckus? john Wayne? Will you guys turn that thing down?

Now, a guitar has many, many nicknames: an ax, a gitbox- I guess that's it. Anyway, we're gonna start with the fundamentals: playing a burning guitar with your teeth. All right! Fire!

Hello, I'm Troy McClure. You may remember me from such Fox Network specials as... Alien Nose job, and five fabulous weeks of The Chevy Chase Show. Tonight, we're here to honor America's favorite... non-prehistoric cartoon family.

Well, bye-bye belt.

love can't buy me love oh

Tappa-tappa-tappa.

Boy, show business is kind of cruel, isn't it?

Dear Life in These United States, A funny thing happened to me-- Eh, oh! Use a pen, Sideshow Bob.

Takes one to know one. Checkmate.

It's bringing love! Don't let it get away! Break its legs!

Whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. This movie’s turning into "SpongeBob NoPants.” Cut.

I believe it was a "boaking" accident.

Quit it, Bart. Quit it. Quit it. Quit it! Mom! Bart's making faces. Stop that, Bart. Homer, speak to him. Blah. Blee. Bleh. Stupid animals.

Quiet, please. Some of us are trying to weld. Almost done. Just lay still. Lie still. I knew that. Just testing. Sentence fragment. "Sentence fragment" is also a sentence fragment. Must conserve battery power. Just come on.

Defying orders, eh? Well, I see you Scotsmen are thrifty with courage too. Okay, Skinner. That's the last time you'll slap your Willie around. I quit! Fine. I'll do the job myself.

Ow ! My foot ! You lousy, stupid, clumsy--

Lemonade ? Please. I made it just for you.

But it's only 7:00. Yeah! The sun is still out! Ohh! They say your folks can't pay the rent So we're watching you by act of government

Oh, Homer. Everybody's been calling-- Mama, Daddy, the triplets, Vonda Mae, Piney joe, and I owe it all to you.

Four out of five, Simpson. Impressive. But you missed your last target. Did I? Ha-ha!

Fifty spaceships beamed us aboard. They gang-probed you, while I discovered an invention... that blew their heads up and saved America. Uh, do I have to be gang-probed? Would you rather tell Maude the truth? What did the aliens look like? Well, I only saw them from the back... 'cause they were so busy gang-probing you.

Why you little-- Why you big-- Bart, go to your room. I'm out of here. Look, Marge, honey, baby, doll, I-- Homer, I don't even want to look at you right now. What are you saying,