comb.io - Clips

Let the fools have their tartar sauce. Enjoy your tartar sauce, boys. Enjoy ! Give me your plates ! Don't crowd ! Plenty for everybody ! Hmm. Brilliant. Who could ever have imagined that Simpson's sweeping reforms...

And furthermore-- Ignore her, Effendi. We have each other. Oh, baby. Aah! No use struggling, my beloved Shelamela. Merry Christmas from the Simpsons!

Bart, using this doll... tell the court where your father took money from you. Here and here. Let the records show that he pulled out the little pockets ofthe doll. Mr. Simpson, your son alleges... that you have an anger management problem.

but you're living in a world of make-believe, with flowers and bells and leprechauns... and magic frogs with funny little hats. - Yeah, Mom, we got hosed ! - Bart !

Don't worry. Being eaten by a crocodile... is just like going to sleep... in a giant blender.

Batman! Oh, it's been done. Green Lantern! Nah.

At the Apple Biscuit CafÉ, where the smiles are free, don't you know, Sven Inqvist studied the menu. Finally, he ordered the same thing he has every day. Maybe it's the TV.

Lousy Democrats. Homer, of all the crazy ideas you've had, this one ranks somewhere in the middle. You're 38 years old, you don't know how to box, and you haven't gotten any exercise since grade school. Before you even consider this, I insist you consult a doctor. No problemo.

Ahh! I smelled some marijuana smoke in Vietnam! I was the one that canceled Star Trek! I left my Porsche keys inside Mrs. Glick. I am talking to the collection-money thief! Only you can come forward and end this injustice! Oh, what the heck. It was jessica Lovejoy!

That's why they won't let Bill Maher on TV before midnight. Hey, Moe, if you're tired of being an eyesore, why not get some plastic surgery? Plastic surgery, huh? Maybe they could dynamite Mount Crapmore here and carve me a new kisser. I don't know. Plastic surgery might make you look good on the outside, but you still might feel bad on the inside.

(WHIMPERS) (WHIMPERS) (GRUNTS) Oh. The couch is like that tree! The displaced male has two choices. Either spend the rest of his days among the other broken-down old lions... All the good graves are taken.

Oh, yeah! Shake it, madam. Capital Knockers.

Gonna paint your wagon gonna paint it fine gonna use oil-based paint 'cause the wood is pine ponderosa pine Yeehaw!

Hold that thought. Bacon up that sausage, boy! But, Dad, my heart hurts.

Nine hundred dollari-doos? Tobias! Did you accept a six-hour collect call from the States? It was an emergency call from the International Drainage Commission... in Springfield. Oh, my God! There's nothing wrong with the bidet, is there?

What the hell are you..? Oh, my couch!

Secrets and lies! Now let's welcome Springfield's original God couple, Reverend Lovejoy and Ned Flanders! Thank you so much.

I saved these for you, Bart. You'll always have them to remind you of the time... when you were the whole world's special little guy. Thanks, Mom. And now you can go back to just being you... instead of a one-dimensional character with a silly catchphrase. D'oh! ¡Ay, caramba!

And as my final newscast draws to a close, I'm reminded of a few of the events that brought me closer to you. The collapse of the Soviet Union, premium ice cream price wars, dogs that were mistakenly issued major credit cards and others who weren't so lucky. And so, farewell.

Oh, wake up, Ned. You think Maude isn't dating in heaven? You think she would? How could she not? The place is full of eligible bachelors. John Wayne, Tupac Shakur, Sherlock Holmes. Sherlock Holmes is a character. He sure is.

Quiet, you blundering fool! You'll curse us all! What? By saying Macbeth?

Okay, Mr. Burns. Uh, what's your first name ? I don't know.

Sour grapes. Those Germans have a word for everything. What did you learn in karate school? Yeah, this better be worth my ten bucks. Uh... I learned the Touch of Death. Ooh, the Touch of Death. Permit me to demonstrate. Lisa, shut your eyes. Soon you will be at peace. Hey, quit it, Bart. Quit it.

Wow, Dad. You're surfin' like a pro. Oh, yeah. I'm betting on jai alai in the Cayman Islands. I invested in something called News Corp-- Dad! That's Fox! Undo! Undo! Dad, do we have any money left?

Oh, that was scary. We came this close to losing our spare Christmas tree stand. You monster! Look! Here's the box for my Pitch Back. If I still had it, I could put it in here!

Uh, this is the part where you're supposed to say, "I believe you, Homer." I don't believe you, Homer. You do? Oh, Marge! You've made me so happy. You're not listening. You're only hearing what you want to hear. Thanks! I'd love an omelet right about now.

PHONIC FROG: I agree with your mother. You are a disappointment to Huh-Oh-Muh-Eh-Er.

Aah! Guys, guys! This is the wrong movie. Oh, wait a second. I do something really funny here.

Move it or lose it! Get going, you! This ought to hold 'em. There's one missing, mate. If we don't find him, it'll be my ass on the barbie!

There was a bunch of old paint cans in their garage though. Ol' Painty-can Ned! I always knew he'd keep his old cans of paint! Yeah! How do you like that?

Marge, the boy was wearing a Hawaiian shirt! So? There's only two kinds of guys who wear those shirts-- gay guys and big fat party animals. And Bart doesn't look like a big fat party animal to me. So if you wore a Hawaiian shirt, it wouldn't be gay? Right. Thank you.

Now, I know you love video games, and I asked the clerk, "Which is the one every boy wants?" You got me-- Oh-h-h! Oh, yeah!

You're fired, Lenny. Aw, nuts! So, how did we do? - It's a new record, sir. - Outstanding. Well, perhaps all of this has been worthwhile. Did you all learn about teamwork? Yes. Excellent. In that case, no one will be fired after all.

The solution-- And thus the Earth is saved.

Hello, Mr. Burns. This is the kidnapper. Do you miss your son? Yes, I'm missing one son. Return it immediately.

There's no silver lining here. I was a big cheese-- a huge cheese! But now look at me. I gotta ride the bus like a schnook. I gotta live in an apartment like an idiot. I gotta wait in line with nobodies... to buy groceries from a failure!

but I'm also here to talk about Sprint. As you can see, you stand to save up to 17 cents a month over the more dependable providers. Aw, talk about Star Wars. You stupid nerds! He's trying to save you money on long distance. Star Wars, huh? Well, let me ask you this.

The only thing I'm fit to take care of is a house plant. Lousy house plant! You son of a -- I'll teach you to-- D'oh-- YOu--

When we left off, Calvin and Tanya were arguing... that free will is an illusion. If you ask me, humankind has freedom, a freedom fraught with paradoxes. Freud shows how childhood shapes our subconscious mind, but this helps us to think for ourselves.

Seymour! Mother. Superintendent Chalmers! Skinner! What I wouldn't give for something... to interrupt this awkward moment. That'll do nicely.

Whoo-hoo! Eww! Did you have to be so graphic? It's okay, Marge. They pave the way for this kind of filth in school.

but the gas costs 1.49 and eight-tenths. Eight-tenths? Donny's Discount Gas!

I'm a vampire, and I've come to suck your blood. Blah! Oh-- This cape is giving me a rash.

Why don't you go in and pick up my mother, and we'll go out to dinner? I'll be back in a jiffy! - That's not my mother. - I'll be back in a jiffy! Can I come too? Oh.

They're dancing on the Berlin Wall. These live and lively lovers of liberation... Boring. Sorry I ruined your date, Sergeant Carter. Pyle! Well, friend, you're going back where you came from-- the curb in front of Flanders's house.

Stop it, you two! You're making Scratchy cry!

Well, we're still welcome in North Dakota and Arizona. Arizona smells funny. North Dakota, here we come.

Ned Flanders? You're sure? No, no, no. I'll come right over. And may God have mercy on us all. Darling, there's an emergency at the hospital. Where are my shoes? Oh, I think they're in the den. In the den? May God have mercy on us all.

But Mr. Burns gave me my job, and he hasn't fired me... even after three meltdowns and one China Syndrome. I can't betray him. I'm afraid you have no choice.

Uh, I bring you love. It's bringing love! Don't let it get away! Break its legs!

Hmm. Now-- Now let-- Let me-- Let me think.

There waS A farmer had A dog and bingo was his name-o b-i-- O b-i-- o b-i-- And bingo was his name-o Added extra clap. Not college material.

However, your checks have cleared, so you all graduate. Congratulations. And, now, in honor of your achievement, here is the theme song from the hit motion picture, The Bodyguard.

The monkey's on my part of the sofa.

Dad, I want to go to bed. Aren't there child labor laws? Who told you about those laws? Was it Marge? Hey, you've been riding me all day. Why don't you poop in your hat? Are you going to need us tonight? I have ballet tickets-- not that they'll do much good now.

Well, animals are a lot like people, Mrs. Simpson. Some of them act badly because they've had a hard life, Stampy! or have been mistreated. But, like people, some of them are just jerks. Stop that, Mr. Simpson.

Whatever little money you have will be just fine.

I wanna have a kid, and this is the only way I can do it. Why do you wanna have a baby so bad? I got a lotta love to give, and, right now, my only outlet is my ham radio. Are you sure you've thought this through? A child can really change your life.

three, "B"! It's okay, Homie. You can come out now. Uh, give me a minute.

Now! Now! How could I not become a radical... when we were fighting a force of pure evil? Hey, hey, Mr. Burns! Enough already with the germs. Ptooh, their flower power-- it's no match for my glower power. Well, that's some nice glowering, Mr. "B."

Hey, come on, joey !

Bills, bills. Ooh, a free sample of gasoline. Oh! A note from Publisher's Clearinghouse... saying we're out of the running. Look, Lisa! You got something. Oh, Foreign Language Institute. Oh, my German verb wheel.

Whoa ! You certainly have a lot of bowling trophies.

to stamping out illiteracy in today's anything-for-a-thrill youth. Give a hoot. Read a book. Krusty's arrest has sent shock waves through Springfield, packing its churches,

Hamlet! Avenge me! Dad? Yes. I have returned from the dead. Looks like you've returned from the buffet. Why, you little-- D'oh!

Look, this one's coming onto me. Yoo-hoo, Mr. Robot.

Flanders! Flanders! What? Flanders! What? What is it? Game's out there! Made you look. Ohh!

Don't worry, beloved parents. God won't let anything happen to me. Huh. Getting kind of hot around here. Wow. What happened, Dad?

I’ve got to live like a bug, think like a bug, become a bug. Oh! Why do you always hire the cheapest guy? I go by how funny the sign is.

And the final number is... 49. 38... 49! Oh, my God. I won. I won! Recapping our day's top story: The winner of today's state lottery is... me, Kent Brockman.

"Here lies"-- Walt Whitman? Damn you, Walt Whitman! I... hate... you, Walt... freakin'... Whitman! Leaves of Grass my ass! Wait a minute. Maybe it's that other grave. The one that says "Simpson."

Silence! We are travelers from a certain nearby ringed planet... whose name we'd prefer not to mention. My name is Kang, - and this is my sister, Kodos. - Hello. I suppose you wanna probe me. Well, might as well get it over with.

Okay, when I call your name, uh, you say "Present" or "Here." No, say "Present." "Anita Bath." All right. Settle down. Anita Bath here? All right. Fine. Fine. Uh, "Maya Buttreeks."

Are you wearing a grocery bag? I have misplaced my pants. I'm not going to press charges, but I assume you'll want to punish him. Yeah, I appreciate the suggestion, lady, but he hates that, and I gotta live with him. You're the man, Homer. Well, if you won't discipline him, I'll come back and speak with his mother.

Oh, hell is a terrible place ! Maggots are your sheet, worms your blanket. There's a lake of fire burning with sulphur. You'll be tormented day and night forever and ever. As a matter of fact, if you actually saw hell, you'd be so frightened you would die.

(WOLF WHISTLE) You handsome devil. Someday they'll let you and me get married. Can you imagine the children? (CHILDREN CHATTERING) (MOANING) I love you, Homer. I love you, too, Homer. (BOTH MOANING) Oh, Homer.

I'm Lionel Hutz, executor of Ms. Bouvier's estate. She left a video will, so I earn my fee... simply by pressing this "Play" button. Pretty sweet, hey?

I never moved a Buddha this heavy. Let's cut him in chunks and worship the chunks. Ooh! Now let's see. Which one is Ling?

We're proud to be teachers knowledge is our game but we'd sell our motherS For 15 minutes of fame

Oh, you're gonna love it in Cuba, Marge. There's shredded pork everywhere! It's carne de burro. Nice to meet you.

But I can explain. I'm leaving you, Marge. The next time you see my name will be in the hobo obituaries. Don't worry about the kids. I'll drop them off with Patty and Selma. Patty and Selma? Screw that. Just run the camera, you little-- D-oh! Good-bye, my darling.

home of the brave oh, ameriCa's the home of the brave the brave America the brave the brave homE of the brave Thank you, Springfield! I love you! Peace!

For the Band on the run You know, we've been through some 280 adventures together. But our bond has never been stronger. Mmm-mm. Yep. Our family is as functional as all get out. Could this be the end of our series...

No, but his career is. I remember when Al jolson ran amok at the Winter Garden and climbed the Chrysler Building. After that, he couldn't get arrested in this town.

On behalf of the city, I'd like to apologize and ask... how long it will take for you to flood this town with booze again? Well, sorry. I'm not in that business anymore. Four minutes. And so one town's brief flirtation with prohibition... ended in a joyous remarriage to Lady Liquor.

You have chosen "No," meaning you've committed a crime but don't want to confess. A paddy wagon is now speeding to your home. Hey! While you wait, why not buy a police cap or t-shirt? You have the right to remain fabulous. Here it is, everybody--

Ah, home to my loving family. What more could a man ask for? Hi, Homer. Don't kiss me. I'm all stuffed up. Hi, Dad. Hi, son! How are you-- Ew! Dad, look. I made fish sticks.

Scour the professional ranks-- the American League, the National League the Negro leagues. I'm on my way.

Now let's get on with our... really big show. Ed Sullivan.

Welcome to my nightmare. I knew you had your hands full with the babies,

Hello? Yes? Oh. If you're looking for that big doughnut of yours, Flanders has it. just smash open his house. He came to life. Good for him!

And now, let's hear it for our own Miss Springfield. Gentlemen, start your whacking.

Oh, it isn't fair. I'm 10 times the Krusty fan you are. I even have the Krusty Home Pregnancy Test.

Daddy, ask the man for some candy. No, no. No candy for you. Well, at least get some candy for yourself. Kids. Here's your candy.

Did I sound like a real Kwik-E-Mart, you know, kinda guy? Actually, I thought it was a little labored. Oh. You gotta lose yourself in the moment, man. Yeah. Like-- Yeah! Okay. Great. Okay. Let-Let's just try that again. Okay? Come on. Hey. Come on. Hey-ey-ey! Hey, get over here! Okay. Now, you're you, I'm me. I'm me?

You call that prime rib? Yuck.

Good afternoon.

Excellent shot, Smithers. I'll be squeezing my Bobo in no time. Howdy, gents. What can I didilly-do ya for? Remember, Smithers, in and out in 18 seconds.

Mind if I relax next to ya?

(GASPS) (SCREAMS) Oh, another setback. (GROANING) What the Family Circus?

Hey, somebody screwed up bad. You've got all these big comics lined up for your show, but there's no Krusty. Who? Krusty the Clown. Funniest man alive, prince of pies, the sultan of seltzer? Excuse me, sir. Do you like to laugh?

"It's hopeless. Utterly, utterly hopeless."

You're watching PBS.

Whoo-hoo! I gotta call Burns! I gotta call Burns! Maybe I can still get that drink. Dad, the longer he has to wait, the more he'll pay. Right. That makes sense. No! No! Let me go!

I don't know how to tell you this, but... I came down a little early, and, uh, well, uh,

Oh, I hate that sound.

(SNOWBALL II MEOWING) Shame on you two creeps!

Garbage ! What matchbook art school did you flunk out of, you ham-fisted, nearsighted house painter ? - Smithers, throw this on the dung heap. - I quit.

Neither are my teeth, but I can still eat corn on the cob, if someone cuts it off and smushes it into a fine paste. Now that's good eatin'!

Celebrities at ringside tonight-- Star of the McBain action films, and featured player in the Hollywood prostitution scandal--

Are you? I'm not authorized to answer that. By the way, your martinis suck! Oh, yeah? What are you gonna do? Start your own casino... in your tree house and get your little friends to come? I'd like to see that! Hi. Yeah, welcome. Have a lucky day! Mm-hmm.

Mild-mannered Homer Simpson... You're not mild-mannered. You're often liquored up and rude. Honorable men can differ. Now what brings you down here? I want you to stop this, Dad, before you get killed. All right, I'll stop.

It's called the Raven.

You know, I went to the McDonald's in, uh, Shelbyville on Friday night. The Mc-what? Uh, McDonald's restaurant. I-- I never heard of it either, but, uh, they have over 2,000 locations in this state alone. Must have sprung up overnight. You know the funniest thing though? It's the little differences.

(GULPING) OTTO: Whoa! I can't see! I'll have to steer by the reflection in my watch! (TIRES SCREECHING) Oh! Why don't I just pull over? MAN: Hey!

(SNORING) (GASPS) People bored with opera? That's impossible! (CACKLES) To failure, dear brother.

You've been eating that thing for a week. I think the mayonnaise is starting to turn. Two more feet, and I can fit it in the fridge.

Lisa, the pet cemetery. Bart, spooky roller disco. And I'll go skinny-dipping in that lake... where the sexy teens were killed a hundred years ago tonight. Now, Flanders, I want you to-- It's impossible! I killed you!

Who's the sexy lady, Bart ?

Yeah. I'm getting tired of them pointing and laughing at us.

Face-Stuffers! Professor V.J. Cornucopia's Fantastic Foodmagorium and Great American Steakery. Well, what about this place?

Do you know how sick this is going to make me? Oh, boy. Come stand next to the bathroom door. I want to yell at you some more. Why, you little rapscallion-- Oh, show business sucks. I'm outta here. The most hideous child I have ever witnessed!

Barkeep, some cheap domestic beer for me and my buddy here. I'm not your buddy, you greedy old reptile. Smithers, who is this saucy fellow? Homer Simpson.

Somewhere in that sea of bull hormones... is the sweet, wonderful girl I married. The woman who, instead of swatting a fly... will give it a bath and send it on its way. I'd sure like to go home and have Jiffy Pop with her. Oh, my gosh. You’re right.

Cant we just pretend you’re really a girl? Well, for how long? For the rest of our lives. Gosh. $50,000.

(ROARS) A TV shark is not a babysitter. HOMER: How about this guy? Ha! Homer!

Aye, 'tis a sugary brine. Mmm! This sugar shark is delicious. Ow. Hey, he bit me back. Oh, so that's how it's gonna be, huh? Gee, everyone looks so happy. Indeed, Marge. And, uh, now that I think of it, I wildly exceeded my authority,

Dad, do you notice anything strange? Yeah, his hairdo looks so queer. - I heard that! - It was the boy! Ooh! Punch! Eww. Dad, this is blood.

Excuse me. Can you tell me how to get to the museum?

Ugh! I wish I'd never found those stupid bones! It's time to put an end to this. Bart, I'm borrowing your blue crowbar. Good ol' Blue-y. Hey, she's gonna smash the angel! Somebody stop her! It's gone!

Thanks for everything, Kyle.

Stuff starts disappearing-- That's enough. There's a problem with the reactor. What do you do? A problem with the reactor?! We're all going to die! Run! Mmm... mmm.

Now Martin's scoring off me. Oh, that is it! Listen up, everybody! Follow me! What's going on, huh? What's happening, Simpson? Where are we going anyway? Okay, crew. Set your faces to stunned.

Hey, you! Join the navy!

Can't you do something for him? Well, we can't fix his heart, but we can tell you exactly how damaged it is. What an age we live in!

Oh, Andy Capp. You wife-beating drunk.

I bring you peace.

Oh ! Aw, Homer ! Aw, Dad !

Wheel him out quietly. It's best the children don't see him. Oh, just get it out of here! Not into the kindergarten! Mom! Dad! Martin died at school today! Ohhh! I don't see what that has to do with Groundskeeper Willie.

No one's pinching his legs. Pinch, pinch, pinch, pinch! Oh! Oh! It's been St. Patrick's Day for hours, and I'm still not drunk yet! Oh, it's never gonna be 9:00. Moe! Moe! Thank God you're here. We'd like to come in and drink, please.

I can't get in trouble at school. They put me in the remedial class. I'm surrounded by arsonists and kids with mittens pinned to their jackets all year round. Hey, Dad-- We wanna go back to Springfield. What? We've got it great here.

Oh, please, do go on. I know you're a good man. And I have a dog that's very sick. Oh, please, continue. I thought maybe you-- Oh. - Well, thanks for your time. - Hmm.

Principal Skinner, wait! I created the universe. Give me the gift certificate! Ah, great. Stuck in this lousy tub for the rest of my life.

Fresh, fr-fresh for Mommy's baby boy

You have offended me, sir. I challenge you to-- Come back here! Why, you yellow-bellied--

I'm Troy McClure. You might remember me from such films as Today We Kill, Tomorrow We Die, and Gladys, the Groovy Mule. But today you'll see me in my greatest role-- your video tour guide to Rancho Relaxo.

Frank Grimes-- or "Grimey," as he liked to be called--

It's an expression of raw human emotion. In your case, rage.

I got a mink chamois, sir. I hope that-- Oh, my God! Mr. Burns is dead! Why do the good always die so young? You almost killed me! Please, sir. You'll catch-- cold.

Hey, I think I hear a dingo eating your baby. Yeah, well, I-- Ooh! Oh! Oh, that's it. I'm gonna report this to me member of parliament.

Yep, it's finally gone. D'oh! If this were a cartoon, the cliff would break off now.

Whazzup? English - US - Line 21

We are gathered here this Memorial Day... to once again honor you World War II veterans. Truly, you are the greatest generation. Keep it comin', Brokaw! Lauding your legacy is a labor of love. You're damn right it is. You can't thank us enough.

who makes Steve guttenberg A Star we do, we do who robs cave fish of their sight who rigs every Oscar night we do

This is what a cornfield looks like, honey.

Ah. Finally, a little quiet time... to read some of my old favorites. "Honey Roasted Peanuts. "Ingredients: Salt, "artificial honey-roasting agents, pressed peanut sweepings." Mmm! Homer, I have to go out to pick up something for dinner. Steak?

What kind of stew do you have today? Uh, we don't have stew. Sir, why don't you just have the cheeseburger? That's really more of a weekend thing, Ray. Hey, jerk! Move your fanny! That guy's louder than World War II. Ray, go see what the rhubarb is, will you?

The screen was too small. The floor was sticky. The romantic subplot felt tacked on. In short, we demand a refund ! Sorry. It's against our policy. I'll policy you, you-- Hey, don't have a heart attack, old dude. Don't you tell me what to do, you young... whipper...

- They fight and bite - and bark - they fight and fight and bite - and bark fight, fight, fight woof, woof, woof the itchy and scratchy and poochie show

I guarantee! Will you stop saying that? So, Skinner, who do you figure threw that skull through my window? What's the word on the street? Well, to be honest, Chief, I haven't lived in New Orleans for 42 years. Although, uh, according to an article I read in Parade magazine-- Mm-hmm.

I always knew I would die caked in something. Well, better turn off that engine before those fumes put us in tombs. Wait. Let's just leave it on... till we forget our troubles. Mm, sounds like a plan. I can't write this. It's a grammatical nightmare.

And this is the snack holder where I can put my beverage or, if you will, cupcake. Wow, Dad. You really know your monorails. Homer, there's a family of possums in here. I call the big one Bitey.

- Yeah, great. - What's the matter? Don't you see, Milhouse? We've gone too far. We need Skinner back.

Marge Simpson. Hello, class! Hi, Bart. Over here, sweetie. It's me, Mom. Hi. Hey! Hello!

It says, "Choo-Choo-Choose Me," and there's a picture of a train. Yeah, nice gag. Uh, SO, do you like... stuff?

in the fourth race.

Hey! Get off my sugar! Bad bees. Bad! Ow! Ow! They're defending themselves somehow. Look, Bart. It almost killed me,

Uh-huh. Uh, no, I don't like that. Or that. No. It's not that I'm afraid. I'm gonna hang up now. Bye-bye. Oh, I give up.

Oh, Mr. Simpson, did you bring an umbrella today ? - Doh ! No. - Here.

- Homer, stop picking at it. - Oh! But I'm so sweet and tasty. Well, time to go to work. Dad, I wouldn't go outside if I were you.

Oh, I would date Ned in a second if I was a woman or gay. He looks like a cuddler, that Ned. I-i like that. I like to be held. I like to be pampered. So, if you're tired of dating the same old losers-- What are you doing, Homer? step up to the best.

Oh, they miss their father. Are you sure you don't want to take him back? Well, I do. But I don't want him to think that I am a doormat. I need payback! All right! Girls' night out. Exotic male dancers at the Golden Banana.

just hook it to my veins! Good-bye, Mr. Sherman. If I ever play Carnegie Hall, I'll give you a call. And if you ever want to visit my show-- Nah. We're not gonna be doing that. Well, jay, I hope you tell your New York friends... that people in small towns aren't quite as dumb as they think.

Oh, we're done for. We're done for. We're done-didilly done for! We're done-didilly-dodilly done-didilly-dodilly done-didilly-dodilly done-- Flanders! Snap out of it! Thank you, Homer. I don't know what got-- Dad! I think he's oka-- It's better...

Uh, upstate New York. Really. Well, I'm from Utica, and I've never heard anyone use the phrase "steamed hams."

Run along, you little scamp.

Mmm! I'd like to visit that Long Island place, if only it were real.

No, I came to talk to you about your... potty mouth. What the hell are you talking about? All of us pull a few boners now and then-- Go off half-cocked, make asses of ourselves. I don't want to be hard on you but I wish you wouldn't curse in front of my boys.

Behold the horrors of the slanty shanty. See the twisted creatures that dwell within. Meet Cue Ball, the man with no hair! Huh? He's hideous! We have to do something.

I want to set the record straight. I thought the cop was a prostitute.

Who ordered a Mount Bellyache? I ordered it for my little girl. I'm done. Oh! That cost $88! I don't feel much like eating.

Huh? ¡Ayayay! SeÑor Ding-Dong!

Now, to take the ferry cost a nickel.

Come on, kids. Let's try the lights.

Look, Daddy. I'm the king of the mountain! Rod, get off of there!

If you're happy and you know it, say a swear Boobs! Heinie! Mitten!

Look at all that pink and purple. Our money sure is gay. You are free to go.

I don't miss meat at all! This Portobello mushroom eats like a steak. A rubbery, fungus-like steak.

They love, they share They share and love and share Love, love, love Share, share, share The Itchy & Scratchy Show

Careful there, Annie Oakley. I don't have to be careful. I got a gun. Well, you'll probably want the accessory kit. Holster. Oh, yeah. Bandolier. Baby. - Silencer. - Mm-hmm. Loudener. Oh! - Speed-Cocker. - Ooh! I like the sound of that. And this is for shooting down police helicopters.

I am? Whoo-hoo!

Hmm. I'm afraid classes may be canceled today. Look! We won't miss a minute of school thanks to your father.

I was thinking along the lines of... No TV and No Beer Make Homer-- something something. Go Crazy? Don't mind if I do!

Hey, why don't you be polite, you stinkin' pus bag! Pal, you gotta call that number on the boot. Sorry about that guy. They stick all the jerks in Tower One. That's it! I'm comin' over there! Why don't you come over here! - I got something for you! - Shut up, the both of youse! Thank you for calling the Parking Violations Bureau.

Oh. Oh, I'd do anything. Good. Yo, Pete. Pete Sampras. Hmm? Get over here. Yes! I'm in. Hmm? Everybody's been dumped but me. I'm "un-dumpable." Yoink. My tennis stick.

Now, where were we? Oh, yeah! The important thing was that I had an onion on my belt, which was the style at the time.

Oh, I'm just happy to lie here appreciating and respecting you. Okay, buster, what is going on? Nothing! How can you even accuse me of repeated infidelity? Oh! I'm so angry, I could just-- I could fall asleep! I--

I won't need my high school diploma anymore! I am so smart I am so smart I am so smart I am so smart S-M-R-T I mean, S-M-A-R-R-T

Wow! Have you ever seen so many robot cowboys? Hey, robot, get your fat metal ass down here! First of all, I'm not a robot.

Aah! Maggie! Hey, hey! Get your sticky hands off me! Ow!

Plug it in! Plug it in! What, the rock tumbler or the TV? The TV! The TV! Show Wow! They'll never let us show that again, not in a million years!

Huh? Donuts. Is there anything they can't do? - Dad, you're a hero. - Yes, son. I'm the best mono-thingy guy there ever was.

he just has to celebrate." Here you go! Here I am! Uncle Moe! Thank you, ma'am! This'll be a treat! Uncle Moe! Here I am, while you eat! Please take the fries off my head, kid. The basket is extremely hot.

squarely in your locker. Ha-ha! Damn! Dang! Darn! A principal's ransom in stolen goods!

Now, cut the power and hit 'em with the lights! You irreplaCeable you

Okay. We have our choice of Rectangle Land, Cube Country or Squaresville. Squaresville sounds pretty cool.

This time-- D'oh! Ahh-- D'oh! Yeesh! This house stinks! You're not just putting the new newspapers over the old ones, are you? Do you have a better idea? Now, I know we love the puppies very much, but I think they're getting to be a problem.

I think they're dedicating a phone booth somewhere. Watch it, you talking tub of donut batter. Hey, I got pictures of you, Quimby. You don't scare me. That could be anyone's ass. Now beat it! I'm calling the shots. I think that sash is cutting off the air to your brain. The town charter says that in an emergency, I run the show.

School's out! Up yours, Krabappel!

Barney forever! Wiggum never! Barney forever! Wiggum never! Hey, those girls you paid to scream are doing a great job!

Hey, Bart, let's do some homework.

God, I wish I had that little outfit.

Marge, what's my blood type ? A-positive. Aw, nuts. Extremely rare blood, and I don't have it. You know his blood type ? How romantic. A mother knows everything about her family. - What's my shoe size ? - Four "B." - How many teeth do I have ? - Sixteen permanent, eight baby. Earmuffs ? XL. Ring ? I don't want you wearing rings. It looks cheap. But three.

Lou, you're promoted to Chief of Police. Sweet. And Eddie, you're promoted to Lou. Nice. And, uh, who's gonna be Eddie? We don't need an Eddie.

Nothing exciting ever happens.

My feet are getting wet !

There'll be trouble in town tonight Seymour! Superintendent, I was just-- uh, just stretching my calves on the windowsill. Isometric exercise. Care to join me? Why is there smoke coming out of your oven, Seymour? Uh-- Oh. That isn't smoke. It's steam.

We've never lost a year before, and I'll be damned if we're gonna lose one on my shift. Seven, six, five, four, three, two, one!

Marge put together a nightclub act. I shot the sheriff But I did not shoot the deputy She didn't do it She didn't do it So the next time you see a sheriff, shoot him. A smile.

Hey, a new weather station! I'll bash it good. Oh, it's just no fun without Marge.

Please. Really, I mean it ! Now, stop it ! I'm sorry, Marge. Take me home, Artie.

Over Hollywood-- America needs you! We need you to go dance! We need you to get together and boogie-woogie-woogie-boogie! Shh!

Oh, and I'm sorry I sawed the heads off your Malibu Stacy dolls.

I'm a stupid moron with an ugly face and a big butt... and my butt smells and I like to kiss my own butt.

(GRUNTS) (LISA GRUNTS) I'll give you a first-round bye. Gotta go, Tom. I'll think about it. Lisa, breakfast. I know you're mad at me. But I hope you're not mad at Cap'n Crunch... (GASPING)

Brought to you by-- That dog can sell anything.

- Okay. Thanks. - Wait. Did you know that there's a direct correlation... between the decline of Spirograph and the rise in gang activity? - Think about it. - I will. No, you won't.

Coochy coochy coo! Stop. Please stop. Oh, you swing like a girl. Come on, now. Please have mercy. Got your nose. Not funny. How 'bout this little bee? No! Oh! Remember your hippopotamus oath. Can't you do something for him?

Ah. Homer J. Simpson, you're a genius. I know you like clowns, so I made you this bed. Now you can laugh yourself to sleep. If you should die before you wake--

Here is an ordinary square. Whoa! Whoa! Slow down, egghead. But suppose we extend the square beyond the two dimensions of our universe... along the hypothetical "Z" axis there. This forms... a three-dimensional object known as a cube,

Hey, Bart, want a dollar? Ah, ah, ah. You know what I wanna hear. i'm A little teapot short and stout this is my handle this is my Spout the itsy-bitsy spider went up the waterspout Oh, yeah. Love that spout medley.

Don't be a baby, lady just be a lady, baby All I ask is one thing, baby Hello ! Why is there make-out music on ? - It helps me study. - Well, not me.

Smelson. It's funny 'cause you smell. Smelson. I could've thought of that. Sure ya could've. Off ya go now.

"Dear Woodrow, it's time for us to meet. "Why don't we go out to dinner? After, we'll go to my apartment for some home cookin'." Huh? Ay, caramba! "Hungrily yours, Edna." Well, she's dangled on the line long enough. It's time to boat this bass.

My purpose in life is to witness this moment.

You might've hurt someone! Are you some kind of moron?

Doh ! I... can't... breathe ! Too many... chil... dren. Eyewitnesses estimate the man's weight... at somewhere between 400 and 500 pounds. On the lighter side of the news, and I use the term loosely--

Well, sir, it has been an uneventful week in Badger Falls, where the women are robust, the men are pink-cheeked, and the children are pink-cheeked and robust.

What is it, Flanders? I'm afraid I have a bone to pick with you. If it's about your camcorder, I lost it, okay? No, I came to talk to you about your... potty mouth. What the hell are you talking about? All of us pull a few boners now and then-- Go off half-cocked, make asses of ourselves.

Word. It just sounds like something I would say. Shh!

There's one person I'd like to thank for this. We've had our ups and downs, but I can't imagine life without him. Bart Simpson. Way to go, Bart!

And we're thinking of retiring Menthol Moose. Bless you, boys. - Homer, those are ice cream men. - I know.

You're the most paranoid family I've ever been affiliated with. I'd like a yellow boat, please, with extra motors. Yo, no cuts, bro. Where's my motorboat, pig? Uh, right through that door. Whoa! Yo!

(TUBA PLAYING) ...to the marriage of Pac-Man and Ms. Pac-Man in Super Bowl XVI. I now pronounce you Pac-Man and wife.

- Homer, stop picking at it. - Oh! But I'm so sweet and tasty. Well, time to go to work. Dad, I wouldn't go outside if I were you. Don't worry, boys. He's gotta come out of there sometime.

Fourteen. Fifteen. Sixteen! Whoo-hoo! Oh, I don't feel so good. Ah, I think that's all of them.

Hello, everyone. What a happy, happy day. Wow. I wish I had an elephant. You did. His name was Stampy. You loved him. Oh, yeah.

Why, here's Fox News. We are the champions My friend The cause of all this commotion is mayor and suspected illegal immigrant Joe Quimby,

but whenever I'm feelin' poorly, you know what fixes me up? Dancin'. Dancin'? Dancin'. But I don't know how to dance. Oh, I'll show you how.

Why did Mr. Smith kill everybody?

Oh, I blame myself for this.

Not now, Martin. - Who wants rations? - Me! Me! Mmm! I'm so hungry I could puke. Where'd all the food go?

Bart, I wouldn't have expected this even from you. My son's a thief. Oh, Bart.

I love the holiday season. See ya in spring, toes.

Orphans lighting candles over a leaking gas line. Lighting candles? No-o-o!

Bart, I forbid you to jump over that gorge. You can't. I can and do ! Go to your room, Bart !

you must resign as head of the union. Whoo-hoo! Smithers, I'm beginning to think that Homer Simpson... was not the brilliant tactician I thought he was.

"But the third bowl of porridge was just right."

Please, don't hurt me. Don't be afraid.

Three seconds, folks. A new record. Hey, no. I'm not down. I'm-- Get up, you ! Get off the mat. Okay. Here we go. Yo, chump, you back again ? Get outta the way ! How come he's not ducking ? Wait a minute. I can't get my-- Get out of the way, stupid ! Homer ? Not now, Marge !

Exercising away while the others are off at the candy machine. Hey, Lenny, can you get this Sugar Daddy off my back? Okay, but it's the last time. Mmm!

Bah! Welcome to my world.

Speaking of charity don't you think it's time you forgave your son? My boy broke my heart! He turned his back on our traditions on our faith, and on me. Get out of here, you little pisher. Oy, this guy's tough. We'll have to outsmart him. He's pretty sharp.

featuring clips like this one of Sideshow Mel whacked out on wowee sauce. Everyone's always kissing your ass. Well, I'm not afraid to tell you you're a--

Ah, my plan has come to fruition. Soon I'll be queen of summertime. Oh. King. King!

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING) I'm so happy with my evil plan Say goodbye to music gym and art Soon we will have the perfect school Where fun and excitement never start

Mm-hmm. Very well. One last question. Have you ever seen the sun set at 3:00 p.m.?

Last night's Itchy and Scratchy was, without a doubt, the worst episode ever! Rest assured that I was on the Internet within minutes...

I felt so left out. Kids can be so cruel. We can? Thanks, Mom!

Slag off. You've changed, man. It used to be about the music. I said slag off! Cool!

Thank you. Unfortunately, due to budget cuts, we are canceling art, music and dance. Please evacuate the auditorium before it's bulldozed into a mini-mall.

I know what you're going through. We're coming up on Mt. Carlmore. I carved that one wonderful summer. What did Carl think? You know, we've never discussed it.

Same old space, huh, Dad? Yep, but they gave me these roller blades... so I can glide to the front door. Whoop. Oh. Whoa. Whoa. Sweet.

Yeah! Whoa! Excellent, Marge! Yes!

Oh, thank you, Mr. Simpson. It looks so much better-- a beautiful sky blue.

I'll take him. Do you have him in blond?

Bart, this is just Dad. Uh, it's a composite character. Your dad, my dad, a little of Maggie's dad. No, it's just Dad. Maybe Angry Dad needs a sidekick, Know-It-All Sister! Can she have a pony? And the last line in the scene?

Stop that, Mr. Simpson.

You guys are nuts!

just like you took our money. You tell him, Lenny. "You'll all get yours in hell, you lying, thieving"-- blanking blankers-- "Sincerely, Moe." Oh, great. Now we have to send him a card. I know you're used to getting hate mail, but I'm not.

Great Caesar's Ghost! A talking Krusty doll!

I work For monty burns muh-muh-muh-muh-muh-muh-muh Monty burns Mr. Smithers, may we offer you a ride to work?

You see the circular pattern on those fields? - That's from central-pivot irrigation. - Wow. Now let's see what's happening at the Super Bowl. Homer! Homer! Homer! Homer! Oops. Sorry. Homer! Homer! Homer!

The Simpsons D'oh!

Yoo-hoo, Mr. Robot.

Oh, there's Mother now-- watching me. What's that, Mother? They have a right to be here. It's school business. I-- Mother, that sailor suit doesn't fit anymore! I think we should go. Uh-huh.

I'm sorry. Isn't that-- Yeah, that's me, all right. And the guy standing next to me is President Gerald Ford. And this is when I was on tour with the Smashing Pumpkins. Oh! And here's a picture of me in outer space. You... went into outer space? You? Sure. You've never been? Would you like to see my Grammy award?

First time I've ever been early for work-- except for all those daylight savings days. Lousy farmers. "To start, press any key." Where's the "Any" key? I see "Esk," "Catarol," and "pig Up." There doesn't seem to be any "Any" key.

Daddy, all the fumes are making me dizzy. Well, now, Rodney, the Lord wouldn't let us die this way. That's right, Ned. Now, you three take a little nap while I make some hot chocolate. BOTH: Yay!

But what kind? Uh, "Meltdown Alert"? "Mad Dog Drill"? "Blimp Attack"? Ah! I think a good old-fashioned fire drill today!

Right, Mr. Goofball. Call me plain old Goof. So, what exactly do you have planned for us ? I get up, I dance, I spell out the name of the city to the tune of "Baby Elephant Walk." Ah, Mancini. The mascot's best friend. Well, see you on that field. I'll set 'em up, you knock 'em down.

Excuse me, little lady. The wheelbarrow line's over there. Oh, loneliness and cheeseburgers are a dangerous mix.

I'm going out. I run errands during the day. Could you pick me up a lemonade and a beer? The mail! The mail is here! Ooh! "An urgent plea from Edward james Olmos."

Medieval? Like Lord of the Rings? No. Not at all. (ALL GROAN) Can't we just keep going forward in our textbooks? No! Now I've already assigned each of you a role in the medieval court. Martin, you shall be our king. I shall pattern my reign on Enguerrand the Seventh, Sire de Coucy! Tralloo trallay!

What the hell is that?

Remember when we were kids, we used to dream about our ideal husbands? Who knew the dream would come true for one of us? Oh, come on! Guess which one. I know. I know. It's Selma, right? Yeah, that's a good idea, Homer,

I even took some pills I found on the floor, and still nothing. You took pills you found on the floor? Uh-huh. Now I'm afraid that if I stop talking, I'll die.

Two plus two is four. Two plus two is four. Two plus two is four. I can see why this is so popular. Look at him. - Two plus two is four. - Two-- Give me my bear, Simpson!

Oh! Patience, Monty. Climb the ladder. Is he the leader? Of this chapter. There are chapters all over the world. And it has been foretold that someday a Chosen One will-- Okay, okay. I didn't ask for your life story.

Mr. T and Krusty the Clown! T, I haven't seen you since we roasted Chevy Chase! Yeah. We were kind of rough on him. I feel bad for the guy. You pitied the fool? That's one way of putting it. Time for me to get into character.

On President's Day weekend? Are you crazy? Crazy with concern for the public, yes. Now shut this place down before the old folks come in for their morning walk. Tappa-tappa-tappa, tappa-tappa-tappa. Oh. Whoa! Ow!

Out of the frying pan! Yuck! All right, uh, let's get started on lunch. And-- Wait. Where's Lenny? Hello?

I thought you said you broke their spirits. We did. You broke nothing. Let's get 'em! To the hydrofoil!

Cold biscuits, chicken, yellow... mailman. You're reading the wine list, sir. Very good.

Troy, Mac Parker. Ever hear of Planet of the Apes?

you make me feel like A natural woman Oh, Baby what you've done to me What you've done to me

Orville and Hurley, Gappy Mae, Hip Diddler, Rudy, the Ya Hoo Recovering Alcoholic jug Band, and tonight, in her syndicated TV debut-- Lurleen! Oh, the bases were empty Excuse me, are you Colonel Homer Simpson?

Hi, Homer. Mindy! Uh-- Oh, no, I'm sweating like Roger Ebert. Mu-- Murphy, youse-- You are a elf-- Uncontrollably, I think--

When I grow up, I wanna be a principal or a caterpillar. I love you, Principal Skinner.

And what was Ringo's response ? I never got any. And I never painted again. Maybe you could take a class at Springfield Community College. I think it's a very nice idea. Don't you, Homer ? Do I have to do anything ?

Sir, your llama just bit Ted Kennedy. Good!

Hey, Homer, you're hallucinating again.

You may not. I am all out. Though I do have a surprising abundance... of Lee Carvallo's Putting Challenge.

Yeah, just a sec. I'll check. Uh, Amanda Huggenkiss! Hey, I'm looking for Amanda Huggenkiss! Why can't I find Amanda Huggenkiss? Maybe your standards are too high.

Ten, nine, eight-- eight-- eight-- eight-- Ohh! Will this horrible year never end? We've never lost a year before, and I'll be damned if we're gonna lose one on my shift. Seven, six, five, four, three, two, one!

I am talking to the collection-money thief! Only you can come forward and end this injustice! Oh, what the heck. It was jessica Lovejoy!

Don't worry, kids. I know just what to do. jumanji! Does anything from the movies actually work? Ah, nuts! Isn't there anybody who can round up these thunder lizards? Uh, they'd need a pretty rugged vehicle.

It says here the swords were sold to C. Ebenezer Burns. Burns? The evil industrialist who makes coal out of babies? (GASPS) I know just where to find him!

Back-scratcher. Foot-licker. Honor student !

I got the idea when I noticed the refrigerator was cold. Won't this overload the motor? Marge, can you set the oven to cold?

Uh-- Well, there is this one thing. It's about a killer-robot driving instructor... that travels back in time for some reason. I'm listening. Okay, okay. Well, you see, this robot-- He's got a heartbreaking decision to make... about whether his best friend lives or dies.

Whoo-hoo! Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo! Whaa-ha-ha-ho! Take that, Maynard G. Krebs!

Oh, no. Pinch! Happy St. Patrick's Day, loser! Ow! Quit it! It's the wearin' of the green, Bart! Pinch, pinch, pinch! No one's pinching his legs. Pinch, pinch, pinch, pinch! Oh! Oh!

Now, now... that will do. Homer, for your bravery and skill we award you this ham, this plaque this discount coupon book and my own personal thumbs-up.

and let it appreciate in value. It's probably a million years old, Dad. I think it's as valuable as it's gonna get. That's what they said about this Billy Beer, smarty-pants. We elected the wrong Carter.

I... don't get it. Sacre bleu! We will show those stupid Americans... who looks like "ze" frog, eh? Ready, aim--

Ah! Mmm. Alcohol and night swimming. It's a winning combination.

When will you teens learn to be uncool like everyone else? Never, pops. That's right! Never! Yeah, you can arrest me, but you'll never defeat the Cobras. Nothing can defeat a motorcycle gang!

Yes! But we've got to do it from different angles. Again and again! And again and again and again!

Sorry, Bart. I'm gonna have to sell him. Well, sir, I'll be honest with ya. I need a large African elephant, and I need it today. But I'm afraid this just isn't what I'm looking for. What do you mean? It's an elephant, isn't it?

She's right ! She's right ! Oh, how I miss TV. Dear God, just give me one channel ! Homer, it's not the end of the world. Before we got married, we hardly ever watched television. You lie.

Ling? Ling? Ling? Ling? (GURGLING) Ling! (GIGGLING)

Wow! Look at all the colors, man! Red, green, yellow, orange! I remember all of these! I'm freaking out! Hey, something's comin' back to me!

People of Springfield, I, um-- I don't know quite how to say this-- Don't be shy, little girl. Think of jebediah, and the words will come.

Geez, Homer. I thought someone with two wives would be happy. No. You're thinking of someone with two knives. I gotta tell ya, this is pretty terrific. Yeah!

I got it from my father, and he got it from his father. And he traded a mule for it. And that mule went on to save spring break. But this will be so confusing. The mailman won't know what to do. Did you think of the mailman at all before you did this? Yes. Briefly.

Well, finally, a little luck.

You're so lucky. When are you going to meet him? First, I ask him to send a photo. If he's got everything where it should be I'm reeling him in. Strap on your skates, Gordie. You're going in.

Hi, I'm Troy McClure. You may remember me from such educational films as Two Minus Three Equals Negative Fun! And Firecrackers: The Silent Killer. Mr. McClure?

- Look! It's Lisa Lionheart! - Keep running. We're almost there.

I can't get the smell of slurry out of my clothes.

All right, Mr. Burns, you win. But beware-- we Germans aren't all smiles und sunshine. Ooh, the Germans are mad at me. I'm so scared. Ooh, the Germans! Stop it. Stop that. The Germans are coming after me. Stop the pretending you are scared game.

Good luck, sir. No bag boys are gonna stop Lenny... from hosting a casual get-together. Casual? I can taste that get-together now. Hey! I was holding that. Next time I'll knock your hat off, scab.

Defense! Defense!

He prefers the company of men. Who doesn't? Homer, listen carefully. john is a homo-- - Right. - sexual.

I'd like to thank you on behalf of the group, and I hope we passed the audition.

Well, before I go, I've got some personal items for you. You belong to the Radio Shack Battery Club. Oh, 10 Canadian dollars. That's a souvenir from your trip to Upstate New York.

Boy, did you make a prank call to Brazil? No, sir. I didn't. Choke on your lies! I'll teach you to-- Homer, they must've made a mistake.

I think you need Skinner, Bart. Everybody needs a nemesis. Sherlock Holmes had his Dr. Moriarty. Mountain Dew has its Mello Yello. Even Maggie has that baby with the one eyebrow.

Public school can be intimidating to a young child, particularly one with as many flamboyantly homosexual tendencies as your son. Bart's gay? Bart? Uh-- Whoo! Wrong file.

So Flawless Flanders needs help... from Stinky Pants Simpson.

Hey, Lise! Check out this space-age toothbrush. That's an electric nostril groomer.

It's been done.

Simba, on the ball. Aaah! Not the face! Ah, they'll be chewing on him for a while. ¡Ay, Ay, Ay! ¡La policÍA!

Well, I was wrong. The lizards are a godsend. But isn't that a bit shortsighted? - What happens when we're overrun by lizards? - No problem. We simply unleash wave after wave of Chinese needle snakes. They'll wipe out the lizards. But aren't the snakes even worse? Yes, but we're prepared for that.

Checks out. Okay, sir, you're free to go. Good, 'cause I got a hot date tonight. A date. Dinner with friends. Dinner alone. Watching TV alone. All right! I'm gonna sit at home and ogle the ladies... in the Victoria Secret Catalog. Sears Catalog.

I'll pass. Beer is the nectar of the nitwit. Hey, you knockin' beer? Nobody bad-mouths Duff! Ah, a piece a crap. Come on. You're here to make friends. Oh, please. If I wanted to hear mindless droning, I'd befriend an air conditioner. Oh, now he's ragging on air conditioners.

Ooh! Spike Lee, and the always lovely and vivacious head of Kitty Carlisle. Hi, everybody! Let's start the game! Aah!

And Larry and I have so much in common, Marge, way more than you and me. If I could be stranded on an island with anyone, it would definitely be Larry. I think we've heard enough about Larry Burns for one evening.

Uh, that's influenza, that's bronchitis... and this cute little cuddle-bug is pancreatic cancer. Here's what happens when they all try to get through the door at once. Move it, chowderhead! We call it Three Stooges syndrome.

"Number one: bra. "Number two: horny. Number three: family jewels."

I'll just have a cup of coffee. Beer it is. No, I said coffee. - Beer? - Coff-ee. Be-er? C-O-- B-E--

Oh, Dean. This is what your new hip is going to look like. You're gonna have to go easy on it.

Oh, and one more thing. I've stolen a nuclear weapon. If you do not rid this city of television within two hours, I will detonate it. Farewell. By the way, I'm aware of the irony of appearing on TV in order to decry it. So don't bother pointing that out.

Mom, are those rabbits dead? No. No, Lisa. They're just sleeping... upside down and inside out.

She has limited capacities. All she can do is dial and yell.

They weren't thinking about the money. They just wanted to tell a story. A story about a radioactive man, and you slick small-towners took 'em for all they were worth. Should we give them some of their money back? No.

D'oh! Poor guy.

Lisa Simpson is no longer Little Miss Springfield. She was stripped of her crown in a ceremony earlier today. Well, that's obviously the wrong footage. Uh, but it does seem the father of the deposed beauty queen, Homer Simpson, filled out the pageant application incorrectly.

Did he say where they were going? No. They were just going to find a deer and make Bart shoot it. Deer? Ha! Not around here. They all migrated north when the state park converted to Astroturf.

I am waiting for a-- Whoa! Ooh! Aah! I didn't do it.

Even bonnets? Especially bonnets.

Jiminy jillickers. Jiminy jillickers. Jiminy jillickers!

Homer, your bravery and quick thinking... have turned a potential Chernobyl... into a mere Three Mile Island.

Swing Serenade is brought to you by Gorman's ear guards. Guard your ears! With Gorman's. Mom, Dad threw his beer can at the Miracle-Gro guy on TV. Can I recycle it? Why not?

By the way, your martinis suck! Oh, yeah? What are you gonna do? Start your own casino... in your tree house and get your little friends to come? I'd like to see that! Hi. Yeah, welcome. Have a lucky day! Mm-hmm. Well, he certainly showed me.

The rest of that night is something I'd like to forget. All right, then. Bring me that crooner she likes so much, Tom jones. These spurs are killing me. Ey-y-y. Sit on it. Lenny, '50s day is next Wednesday.

Jonathan Livingston Seagull! We're on a collision course! Hard to starboard! Uh, port? Aye. Port.

Mr. Simpson, how long have you been a cat person? All my life, Kent. I prefer "catsup" to "ketchup." And to me, Yusuf Islam will always be Cat Stevens. Terrific stuff. You must really love the Broadway musical Cats. God, no. It sucks.

I'd do anything for keg-meister julius. So I cooked up a phony awards show. Not again. Time saver, my ass.

has ruled the Canyonero unsafe for highway or city driving. CAnyonero 12 YardS long two laneS wide 65 tons of AmeriCan pride canyonero

I'm never gonna find that tree. This whole raid was as useless as that yellow, lemon-shaped rock over there. Wait a minute. There's a lemon behind that rock! The tree!

Okay, that was mine. So say a bittersweet farewell to such old friends as mud pies, Bite 'Ems, Éclairios, Chew 'ems, Kellogg's All-Fudge, Big Red Snack Foam, Milk Chuds, Eat 'Ems. And all sugar pills will be changed back to highly concentrated opiates. I want candy

Godspeed, little doodle.

Whoa! Whoo! Hello, sweet cheeks!

All right! Everybody in the pool! - 'Tis a fine barn, but sure 'tis no pool, English. - D'oh-ith! Is it a pool yet? Yes, Dad.

Excellent. Well, there's no easy way to say this. The new administration is shutting down Project Boy Band. Shutting it down? Permission to say "that's crazy," sir? You won't say it's crazy when you see next week's issue of Mad magazine. Oh, dear God.

No, you idiot ! I'm ignoring you ! You made me miss the last precious moments of Bea's life ! I'll never speak to you again ! I have no son !

Yes. May I see it? No. Seymour! The house is on fire! No, Mother. It's just the northern lights. Well, Seymour, you are an odd fellow, but I must say you steam a good ham.

I know I really shouldn't, but when am I gonna be here again? Whee!

I am Death. Death? We don't want any. I have come for Bart Simpson. Bart, run like the (MISPRONOUNCING) wind!

Oh, you look adorable, Lisa. Your school chums are going to be so jealous of your little outfit. God, I wish I had that little outfit.

Some say the ducks went to Canada. Others say Toronto. And some people think that Joe used to sit down there, near those ducks.

Now you're swingin', honey. Darn it! Oh, no! No, no!

Wrong for me? How? Oh, I get it. My sisters have come down with a case of the green-eyed gazungas. I guess I shouldn't be surprised. You're stuck in a menial job you'll be doing 10 years after you die. And you're tied down to a man who'd have to bathe to be a slob.

The fingers you have used to dial are too fat. To obtain a special dialing wand, please mash the keypad with your palm now. I'm gonna have to shut it down myself!

You're gonna blow it! Ah. That's what I get for having faith in ya.

Hey, look at that dog. Isn't that something? Wow! Brown.

Marge, this may be hard to believe, but I'm trapped inside two vending machines. Sure, Homer. Trapped in vending machines. Okay.

We're doomed. Doomed, I tells ya! Bart! Let your father tell the story. Yeah.

That does it. I'm outta here. Mrs. Krabappel, I have to go to the dentist. I have a caraway seed caught under my bridgework.

Five thousand dollars? You only have 10 seconds to decide, sir. This is the best computer in the world and always will be, right? Absolutely. Just run the deed to your house through here. You are on your-- Fifth. mortgage.

I know. If I get really scared, I don't want to ruin the suit. Now look here, mister. I forbid you to fight a bear. What kind of an example would I be if I didn't take revenge on things? Dad, you can't take revenge on an animal. That's the whole point of Moby Dick. Lisa, the point of Moby Dick is be yourself.

But first, let's check the death count... from the killer storm bearing down on us like a shotgun full of snow. Well, Kent, as of now, the death count is zero, but it is ready to shoot right up. Oh, my God! Damn you, snow! All right! Snow day! No school tomorrow.

This is even more painful than it looks.

Who are you, and why are you holding me here? I want answers now or I want them eventually! Fair enough. I'll level with you. Ow. Please, don't do that. Sorry. I'll be blunt. Your Web page has stumbled upon our secret plan. That's impossible. All my stories are bull plop. Bull plop!

All the way. Hi, liar. Run for your lives, everyone! This is not a drill! Oh, right. Yeah. Then while we're gone, you take our snacks.

So powerful. So commanding. So forceful and raw. It didn't ask. It just took.

No! Take your corporate blood wagon and get the hell out.

Hey, Colonel Homer. And you must be-- Mrs. Homer Simpson. Charmed. I thought you said she was overweight. It takes two to lie-- one to lie and one to listen. What does that mean? I don't have time to answer that. Time is money. Come on, people.

here is the theme song from the hit motion picture, The Bodyguard. ANd i-eee-i-eee-i Will always love you-oo Whee-ha!

"Shao-dair"? "Shao-dair"? It's "chowdah." Say it right! "Shah-der."

I'm a nerd! So am I!

And that key he tied to the end of a kite?

- Mister, I can't stand the sound of your voice. - Oh, really? Oh, now, now. There's no need to resort to violence. Aw, sure there is.

No! Homer is not okay-- And I want everyone in this plant to realize it. I would die a happy man if I could prove to you... that Homer Simpson has the intelligence of a six-year-old.

I wish they had never invented fried cheese. We got to widen the hole. Hurry-- The chain's starting to give.

Somebody had to take the babysitter home. Then I noticed she was sitting on-- her sweet can. I grab her-- sweet can. Oh, just thinking about-- her can. I just wish I-- sweet-- sweet-- s-s-sweet can. So, Mr. Simpson, you admit you grabbed her can.

Hey, hey, hey! Cut that out!

When I grow up, I wanna be a principal or a caterpillar. I love you, Principal Skinner.

"Well, Camus can do, but Sartre is smartre." So original. How droll. Yeah, well, Scooby-Doo can doo-doo, but jimmy Carter is smarter.

I'm hiding from th-th-the ghost! Ghost? What ghost? B-B-Before the show, you said we were having a special "ghost" tonight. I said we were having a special "guest" tonight. Mr. Tim Conway! What's a Tim Conway? Oh, about a 120 pounds.

Your earlobe's bleeding. Oh. So, I guess major muffins like yourselves all have dates, huh? You'd better believe it. Really? All of you? Uh, we all have dates, Lisa. Everyone does. Even me.

- Yes, Mother. - Good. Now, you hold Maggie. I'm going to buy some earrings at the gift shop. The subject of our first painting tonight is the most... foul, evil, vicious, diabolical beast to stalk the earth. Of course, I refer to--

Hey, somebody screwed up bad. You've got all these big comics lined up for your show, but there's no Krusty. Who? Krusty the Clown. Funniest man alive, prince of pies, the sultan of seltzer? Excuse me, sir. Do you like to laugh?

Oh, no. Everything's ruined. Our good bellows. Our stereopticon. Squiggy! Homer! Your strop. Your strop!

and pulled apart by snowmobiles until he died. ALL: Eat my shorts! ALL: Cowabunga! (ALL SHOUTING) (EXPLOSION) (IRISH MUSIC PLAYING)

All right! You guys are my new best friends. You wish, loser! (GRUNTS) (CLANKING) (HOMER LAUGHING)

Woo-hoo! (SCATTING)

Ohh! Will this horrible year never end? We've never lost a year before, and I'll be damned if we're gonna lose one on my shift. Seven, six, five, four, three, two, one!

Testing. Testing. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Hey.

Children, the times they are a-becoming quite different.

What were you thinking?

I'm a stupid moron with an ugly face and a big butt, and my butt smells and I like to kiss my own butt?

Well, thank you, Ralph. You're such a fine, young gentleman. Help! She's touching my special area!

My name is... ...Woodrow. I like holding hands and dinner by candlelight and oh, yes, I really hate yo-yos. Oh, Woodrow!

Don't kid yourself, jimmy. If a cow ever got the chance, he'd eat you and everyone you care about. Wow, Mr. McClure! I was a Grade A moron to ever question eating meat. Yes, you were, jimmy. Yes, you were.

Hmm? Uh, excuse me. Sir? I think there's been a mistake. Oh, no. No mistake. Your electricity's in the name of Homer J. Simpson, deceased. The juice stays off till you get a job or a generator. Oh, and, uh, my deepest sympathies. Homer. That's my name.

Let's all calm down.

Aw, Dad, you've done a lot of great things, but you're a very old man now, and old people are useless. Aren't they? Aren't they? Huh? Yes, they are! Yes, they are! Stop it! It's a form of abuse!

Teamwork is overrated. Huh? Think about it. I mean, what team was Babe Ruth on? Who knows? Yankees. Sharing is a bunch of bull too. And helping others. And what's all this crap I've been hearing about tolerance? Hmm. Your ideas are intriguing to me, and I wish to subscribe to your newsletter.

Well, we did build this spaceship, you know. Anyone from a species... that has mastered intergalactic travel, raise your hand. All right, then.

Now, take a seat, junior, and listen to someone... who gave their youth in service of their country. Mrs. Krabappel, the pledge, please. You haven't dealt with women for a long time, have you, Sergeant? Are you asking me out?

It's pretty tame by today's standards. Children ! Bedtime ! I guess I'll have no trouble gettin' to sleep tonight.

Quick. You gotta hide me from PBS. Their bloodthirsty pursuit is made possible by a grant from the Chubb Group. Give us the money! Elmo knows where you live.

Hey, robot, get your fat metal ass down here! First of all, I'm not a robot.

Wow! Dad's been in jail six times! Aw, Mom's only been in twice.

into the mailbox.

Get outta the way ! How come he's not ducking ? Wait a minute. I can't get my-- Get out of the way, stupid ! Homer ? Not now, Marge ! Get out of the corner ! They sent a note from school. What did you do this time, you little hoodlum ? Oops, get outta the way ! I didn't do it. Nobody saw me do it. There's no way they can prove anything.

You promised Lisa to help her with her costume. You made her cry. Then I cried. Then Maggie laughed. She's such a little trouper.

Absolutely. If you watch even one second of PBS and don't contribute, you're a thief-- a common thief! Okay, take it easy, Betty. Sorry, but these thieves make me so damn mad. You know who you are. Thieves!

Doctor, are you sure it's on? I can't hear a thing. It's whisper quiet!

The serfs! (ALL SCREAMING) (CACKLING) Scary McBeasties, nibble and gnaw at their overstuffed buttocks! Milhouse, don't open your mouth! Whoa! (GAGGING) (ALL SCREAMING) (CLATTERING)

Do you even know what button you pushed?! Sure-- moe.

Darryl. Darryl. Darryl. Darryl. - Darryl. - Darryl. Children, that's not very nice. Mom, they're professional athletes. They're used to this. It rolls right off their backs.

Homer, we're separated now. You can't just walk in without knocking. Well, maybe I was partying so hard with my single friends last night, I forgot the rules. Could you please stop fighting in front of us? (EERILY) Why? Is it messing you up? Homer, just settle down.

Oh, I'm afraid this problem goes far beyond Eugene and Rusty.

and some underground pipes take them into Moe's. Homer, that's very clever. Huh? Mom? Well, it is. I've known your father since high school, and this is the cleverest thing he's ever done. Besides, he's only breaking a silly, 200-year-old law. It is silly, Marge. And look at all the money I'm making!

and prepare for re-Neducation. Don't you remember, Dad? Flanders is the unquestioned lord and master of the world. D'oh!

Gee, I thought I had a bigger package than that. That's really sweet, honey. (BART GROANS) Aw. Hey, let's turn that frown upside down. Oh, Dad! I feel like I'm gonna throw up! All right. What's wrong, Son? Comic Book Guy made me pay for these comics he said I smudged.

Hey! Get your mouth off of that!

So pack your things. You're moving in with Company "L." Company "L"! But they smell. Yes, we've all heard the chant. Now fall out!

This just in, a monster tornado is tearing through Dayton, Ohio! (GASPING) That's where Mom and Dad are! KENT: Looks like the twister is headed right for the Dayton Arms Hotel! ALL: Ahhh! They might not be dead. They could be in the basement.

Well, you all know what laughter sounds like.

- Oh, act your age. - Oh! You are so dead.

Don't you ever, ever talk that way about television.

The only girl I ever loved invited me up to the tree house. She had something very important to tell me. I'm so happy. I just had to tell someone. I have a boyfriend.

It's known as America's scrod basket.

What about Bob Hope? He's been consistently popular for over 50 years. So has Sinatra.

Oh, that's good narration.

Well, surely you agree we can do without her. No, I don't agree. No? How dare you question Mr. Burns. I'll handle it, Smithers. Shut up, little girl.

Huh? Hello? Hey, I'm stuck in here. I gotta think of a way to get out. Well, well, well. Look who's come crawling back.

Captain, we've been attacked by some sort of force ray! Space air is flooding in. Right. Goggles on!

Look, Scratchy! It's our new friend, Poochie! What's that name again? I forgot. The name's poochie D. and I rock the telly

Well, time for my walk. Mm. Don't forget to die. Ding-dong.

And three, our six-term mayor, the illiterate, tax-cheating, wife-swapping, pot-smoking spend-o-Crat, Diamond joe Quimby. Hey, I am no longer illiterate! Now, why are we doomed to this Quimby quagmire, you ask, O Reasonable Listener?

Will you tell the court your whereabouts at the time of the carjacking? I was alone in me Unabomber-style shack. I had nothing to do with that carjacking. Carjacking? Who said anything about a carjacking? But didn't ya just say-- I'll ask the questions here, Carjacker Willie! Objection!

Looks like I'm gonna have to baptize you myself.

I think I'll just hit the hay.

(STUTTERS) Yes, Superintendent Chalmers? Do you know what today is? Today? Yes, of course I do! Happy birthday to you, happy... It not my birthday, Seymour. You know I'm a Sagittarius. Really? I'm a Libra. There's a lot of compatibility there.

"You will not see me again until I am a man."

Okay. Now, before my boss comes, there's something important you should know. - In a minute, Homie. I have to get the door. - But, Marge! Oh, was it something I said?

does a triumphant turkey trot over the supine Swede. One's thoughts turn to Alexander of Macedon's victory... at Granicus and issus. U.S.A.! U.S.A.! U.S.A.!

Thanks for waking me for the bookmobile, Terrence!

That's right! This spells "dog." - MARGE: Lisa! - (SCREAMS) You are purposely teaching her the wrong word! Lisa, I'm surprised. Your sister just wants to learn and be like you!

And I want everyone in this plant to realize it. I would die a happy man if I could prove to you... that Homer Simpson has the intelligence of a six-year-old. So. How you doin'? Hmm? Oh, here we go.

Listen to them laughing. This is so humiliating. I'm never gonna live this down. Damn Flanders. You know, Simpson, I feel kind of silly, but what the hey, you know ? It kind of reminds me of my good old fraternity days. Doh ! Oh, my God, he's enjoying it !

I must have that oil. Smithers, Smithers, help me subdue this... beast. Sorry, sir, this is all I could find. Take that and that! Please don't waste those.

A-- A coffin! Die, you chalk-faced goons!

D'oh! Uh, okay. Uh-- Let's see. Um, what if I did this? You're on your own.

Who was that young hellcat? Homer Simpson. Simpson, eh? I'll remember that name.

Did you hear that, Bart? Maybe it was just the cat. No, she's sleeping with me.

- It's no shame being second to you. - Thank you, Lisa.

directed by some Swedish meatball.

You make me feel you make me feel like A natural woman

Me flap dickey long time." Hey, Krusty, great set. Are you kidding? I stunk up the joint.

Lousy, cheap country.

Six hours, 19 minutes right ascension, 14 degrees, 23 minutes declination. - No sighting. - Mm-hmm. Six hours, 19 minutes right ascension, 14 degrees, 58 minutes declination. No sighting. Did you get that one, Bart? - Hell, no. - Good.

The other dragons shall hear of this. HOMER: Hey, dragon, you fly like a girl! Go, go, go! (SIGHS) (NERVOUS MURMUR) Homer, I'm gonna need you to do something for me when we get to China. You name it, O wise mountain ape.

Could you... give me a... handful of peanuts, - Maude ? - Oh, sure. Not those peanuts. The ones at the bottom. Oh, okay. Ahhh !

The governor says he hopes you're a twitcher. Oh, yes!

So let's get to know each other better. Do we have any alcoholics among us? Uh... me. Right here. I'm drunk right now. You'll be given a six-week treatment at our drying-out facility in Hawaii, after which you'll return at full pay. Oh, great! Great. Hey, maybe I'll marry Elizabeth Taylor.

I'm not crazy. It's the TV that's crazy! Aren't you, TV? The crisis? Charlie Bluhdorn's birthday. The solution? A snappy banner. Out comes the phone, in flies Bobby Towne... and six drafts later, I had myself a party. You see? Gibberish. All gibberish.

Topes win ! Topes win !

Tookie, tookie, tookie Tookie, tookie-- Bert and Ernie left it to your imagination. Look. The room came with a fruit hat. Hey, and a minibar hat!

Former president Gerald Ford? Put 'er there. I'm Homer Simpson. Say, Homer, do you like football? Do I ever! Do you like nachos?

I think that guy's a spy. Of course he's a spy. You just saw him go through spy school. Oh, wait. I heard how this ends. Turns out the secret code was the same nursery rhyme he told his daughter.

You're not afraid, are you? I had a bad experience with drugs. It was that golden weekend between summer school and regular school. Hey, Homer, want to smoke some marijuana? They say it's a gateway drug. Hmm-- Well, well. If it isn't the Doobie Brothers.

He was so cruel. The things he said-- they're just not true. There, There. The wedding's off. Fiddle-dee-dee. Tomorrow's another day. Bart, stop that!

What the hell are you..? Oh, my couch! The arms, the seat...

Look closer, Lenny.

Jackanapes. Lollygaggers. Noodleheads! Enchantress!

And this is Selma... dropping off our vacation Film to be developed. Thus concludes our Mexican odyssey. Hmm. Very thorough. I'm home, everybody !

He really needs a girlfriend. Oh, Marge, what if I wind up as some vegetable... watching TV on the couch?

Are the luCkiest people in the world with one person

All right, all right, smart guy. Oh, for crying out loud, I dropped one. Oh! Now it's in my shoe! Ow! Ow! Ooh! Ow! Ooh! Ow! Ooh!

Hello, everybody! Sparkle, sparkle. Bart! An earring. How rebellious. In a conformist sort of way. What on earth possessed you to get an earring? Milhouse has one. If Milhouse jumped off a cliff-- Milhouse jumped off a cliff? I'm there. Get back here, boy. You're a disgrace to this family,

Here's one for the road, dude. Aah ! Put 'em up.

Okay. Memorize these funny place names. Walla Walla, Keokuk, Cucamonga, Seattle. Stop it. You're killing me! Ah! Seattle!

Hmm. I did too. Better get the gun.

D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh!

Yes, sir. Remember that month you didn't do it? Yes, that was unpleasant for all concerned. Anyway, back to the checks. Stop everything! I don't remember writing a check for bowling. Hmm. The memo says, "To my pal, Pop 'n' Fresh." Oh, yes. That greedy, grasping glob of chemicals. Probably one of your ether-induced hallucinations, sir.

No way. What do you want ? Can I have it for 35 ? No. No. Friggin' kids. I do not need this. - I've got a master's degree in folklore and mythology. - Excuse me.

I'm speaking with you because I am the most nonthreatening. Perhaps I remind you of lovable Sergeant Schultz on Hogan's Heroes. Oh, yeah. Yeah, he does. What is the best way to an efficient plant? - I don't know. - Well, uh... Search me. Happy workers who feel secure at their jobs--

J; Uh-oh. That's toxic waste!

Judge-- Wha-- Hey-- Wha-- Who said that? That's right. It's me, Judge Harm, through the magic of fiber optics. Hey, how about that? Quiet, tubsy! You violated my order. But, Constance, it only happened because-- Hey, hey! If I want a cock-and-bull story, I'll read Hemingway.

Y'arr, everyone likes a gumball machine. So why not a gumbo machine? Y'arr... (SCREAMS) Does your school nurse treat burns?

Drink up, Judah Ben-Hur. You truly are the king of kings.

Whoa! Wow. Hello? Hello, Mr. Halper. I'm calling from Money Bank Credit Services Department.

Marge, this is Andre. Hello. I think you two would make a lovely couple. My husband is still alive! Oh. Thank God. I hope he pulls through. Not me.

Huh? Lisa, stop blowing my sex-- I mean, stop blowing your sax. Your sax. Stop it.

In Springfield today, a sex scandal has brought in reporters from around the world. Why, here's Fox News. We are the champions My friend The cause of all this commotion is mayor and suspected illegal immigrant Joe Quimby,

It says so right here in black-and-white, "no witnesses." Case closed. Now, let's all read the funnies.

You've already used up your birthday and Christmas presents on that peach tree we got you. And you hardly ever play with that anymore. Yes, I do. Sure, I do. Look! La-la, here I am playing on my peach tree, Mom. Oh, all right, we'll go.

It happened to Tiny Tim, it happened to Charlie Brown, it happened to the Smurfs, and it's gonna happen to us.

Yeah. But I'm a cop first, then a boat enthusiast, amateur historian, yo-yo dieter, then I'm a cop again... LISA: Help! Help! So much sulfur dioxide!

Ah! Oh. Am I really that ugly?

(GROANS IN DISAPPOINTMENT)

If this were a cartoon, the cliff would break off now. I'm thirsty.

Excuse me. Paul Bunyan never fought Rodan. And his size seems to be really inconsistent. I mean, one minute, he's 10 feet tall. The next, his feet are as big as a lake. Hey, hey, hey! Who's the hobo here? I'm just sayin'.

Turn it down! We don't want to wake up Mom and Dad! Shh!

Howdy-do, neighbor! Good pipe weather. Thought I'd fire up the briar. Can't talk. Busy. Okilly-dokilly-do. Did you notice how slanted he looked? All part of God's great plan.

Smithers, massage my brain. Yes, sir.

That's Homer Simpson's computer. Oh, God! It's spreading! Happy New-- Wha-- Oh, no. It's happening.

Why, you little-- Uh-oh ! Now I got ya ! Aah ! Aah ! Boy must die ! I love you, Dad ! Doh ! Dirty trick.

Di-da. They haven't changed a bit, have they? As the weeks went on, so did the cartoons. Fresh chocolate chip cookies. Oh! Don't touch those yet. They're very, very hot.

It's a two-party system. You have to vote for one of us. He's right. This is a two-party system. Well, I believe I'll vote for a third-party candidate. Go ahead. Throw your vote away.

Congratulations, Artie. Marge, this may not be the most appropriate forum for what I'm about to put forth, but... would you go to the prom with me ? Well-- I-i can think of a dozen highly cogent arguments.

You need to find an anchor of some sort. Think harder, Homer. I'll take that.

Two Krusty shakes, a doughnut burger with cheese... and a party-size bucket of flan. Yes, I will have fries with that. Anything to get out of work.

Boy, everyone is stupid except me.

to study science by mail. And, last week, Frank Grimes, the man who had to struggle for everything he ever got, received his correspondence school diploma in nuclear physics-- with a minor in determination.

Bart, what are you doing ? Get down from there before the neighbors see-- Hey, Simpson.

Duh, stay out of Riverdale!

The safe baby craze. It's sweeping Springfield, thanks to one crusading parent. That's me! Safety dance! You can dance You can dance Everybody look at your pants But while Homer Simpson has made our babies safe,

This guy here, this is the guy.

Ee-eew. Lisa, the blob has got me! Don't touch me, or it'll get you too! Dad, you have to put chlorine in the water every day to keep it clean. Chlorine, eh?

La la-la la-la la la la la-la la-la la-la la la-la-la BeCause I'm free nothin's worryin' me

Bleeding Gums Murphy! Little Lisa. It's good to see you again.

It's awful bein' a kid. No one listens to ya. It's rotten bein' old. No one listens to ya! I'm a white male, aged 18 to 49. Everyone listens to me, no matter how dumb my suggestions are.

The preceding program contained scenes of extreme violence... and should not have been viewed by young children.

This one spent two hours in the broiler. Bart, sensible bites! All right, Lisa.

By gum, it worked. I've awakened in the future.

Will I pass my English test?

Whoa, Nellie. We have ourselves a barn burner here today. Welcome to the 117th dust up between the Snortin' Swine of Springfield A&M... and the Springfield University Nittany Tide.

That's right. The year is 1965. And you and I are undercover detectives on the hot-rod circuit. Now let's burn rubber, baby! Speedway Squad! In color.

Ah, my love. A million poets could try for a million years and still describe but three-eighths of your beauty. Whoa, slow down, Frenchy. This stuff is gold. "A million poets working for a million years..." You're so lucky.

My father was the most respected man in the lower East Side of Springfield. People would come from miles around to ask his advice. Reb Krustofski, should I finish college? Yes. No one is poor except he who lacks knowledge. Rabbi, should I have another child?

Come one, come all. See the amazing frozen man. Also gaze at the Frito found in a bag of Doritos. Marvel at the floor that just won't come clean! Dear Log: My worst fears have been confirmed.

You keep squirming, there's going to be a little bald girl with no lollipop. I love it. I finally look like a real person. Thanks.

I will-- Whoa! Whoo! Whoo! Ooh! Ow! Ow! Ow! At least there were no big ones. Ay.

Moochie-moochie!

Get out of the way. I will always love you I Will always love you

What do I do? Engage her feelings, become a friend. Get her a LIFE Magazine from the week she was born. I'll always treasure mine. You're absolutely right! Stop this ride! You're the boss!

Where's the baby? Where you left it. Shut up. Listen, fat boy-- No, you listen. This is my wife, and my kid. I'm paying for this delivery. If you wanna stay you give me some respect. Homer, does this mean..? Tomorrow, I'm a nuclear technician! Good God!

This film will self-destruct... if not properly stored. We believe Burns still has that bill hidden somewhere in his house. But all we've ascertained from satellite photos is that it's not on the roof. We're hoping that as his trusted employee, you can help lead us to it.

You know, all this walking is paying off. Look how healthy I am. You see? I'm finally thin enough... to wrap this thing around my arm. Good for you, Dad. Could you get me some syrup? Mmm. Hmm. You see? Before I probably would've driven to the syrup.

Sayonara, suckers. Yea! The Simpsons are going to japan. Hey, watch the gong, jerk.

I sure like the cut of your gibberish. (RAPIDLY INTERLOCKING DOODLIES, DIDDLIES)

One that's made entirely out of syrup. Entirely ou-- An all-syrup Super-squishy? Oh, sir, such a thing has never been done. just make it happen. Oh. Oh, dear.

Glove slap Baby, glove slap Glove slap i don't take crap Glove slap shut your big yap

We'll stay with my very best friend in the world, Lenny. Hey, Simpsons. That's Lenny? Oh, I wanted the black one!

Ah, well. Looks like the party's over. Hey, Moses, keep 'em comin'.

Lisa's bad dancing makes my feet sad.

On one of my frequent trips to the ground-- I noticed Malloy wore sneakers...

Walt Whitman? Damn you, Walt Whitman! I... hate... you, Walt... freakin'... Whitman! Leaves of Grass my ass! Wait a minute.

That's all well and good, but it's not really your idea, is it now, Marge?

He is the benevolent, enlightened president and C.E.O.... of Kwik-E-Mart, and in Ohio, Stop-O-Mart. He is the one I must ask for my job back. Approach, my sons. You may ask me three questions.

Grampa, please. He's in a coma. Coma? Pfftt. Why, I go in and out of comas all the-- French toast, please.

So, you like doughnuts, eh? - Uh-huh. - Well, have all the doughnuts in the world!

Oh, look who the new pet is. I've never been so happy.

You certainly have a lot of bowling trophies. I like you so much. They're not for bowling, Marge. You're so naive. They are for lovemaking. Really ? Yes.

Are we there yet ? Are we there yet ?

I understand that, Mr. Simpson, but according to our computer, your credit history is not good. It says here that you've been pre-declined for every major credit card. It also says you once grabbed a dog by the hind legs... and pushed him around like a vacuum cleaner. That was in the third grade. Well, it all goes on your permanent record.

Yarr! I'm not attractive.

No, no. Dig up, stupid.

Duff, the beer that makes the days fly by. Can't get enough of that wonderful Duff Duff beer Beer. Now there's a temporary solution.

- Up and atom. - Up and at them. Up and atom! Up and at them! - Up and atom! - Up and at them! Better. Hi, Milhouse! Hey, I want you to know...

Quadraphonic sound, a water bed, and now a strobe light. Gentlemen, say hello to the Second Base-Mobile. Wicked!

Stay away from me, Homer! Give me the bat, Marge. Give me the bat. Give me the bat. Come on. Give me the bat. Give me the bat, bat, ooh. Scaredy-cat.

It hasn't been this crowded since the government cracked down on you for accepting food stamps.

Uh-- See, uh-- To tell you the truth, I'm, uh-- I was just-- I'm just killing time here. I was waiting for a, well, a different-- different funeral to start. I'll handle it. Bob Newhart, everybody!

Hey, Homer. That's four strikes in a row! - You got a perfect game going. - Really? Careful what you say, Lenny. You'll jinx it. All right. Sorry. Miss! Miss! Sorry. i was callin' the waitress. Ah, this split you sold me is makin' me choke. Lenny! What? I paid 7.10 for this split.

About Lisa! Lisa Simpson is a girl at my school.

Oh, Rhett. Where will I go? What'll I do? Frankly, my dear-- I love you. Let's remarry.

Nice work, boys. We can close the book on every unsolved crime in our fair city. Don't I get to call my lawyer? You watch too many movies, Sax.

The star of The Blue Lagoon and me, the blue-haired goon! What the-- That's terrible! Cartoons have the power to make us laugh and to make us cry. Wouldn't you agree, Krusty? First of all, my hair is green, not blue. I got nothin' to work with here.

What the hell was that?

Now quickly! Gaze down at God's fabulous parquet floor. Eyes on the floor. Still on the floor. Oh, my ass! Always on God's floor. Hang on, Homie! I'm gonna try to set her down! Thank you.

Say your prayers, Simpson.

Homer, do you want your son to become chief justice of the Supreme Court... or a sleazy male stripper? Can't he be both, like the late Earl Warren? Earl Warren wasn't a stripper. Now who's being naive?

They always pick the guy with the wires.

Sorry. We're not allowed to read newspapers. They angry up the blood. You! The troublemaking girl.

J; Now, a guitar has many, many nicknames: an ax, a gitbox- I guess that's it. Anyway, we're gonna start with the fundamentals: playing a burning guitar with your teeth. All right! Fire!

No, not at all. In fact, one of my guilty little pleasures...

If only we had the exact date. (TAPE REWINDING) Bingo! Thank you, Mr. Alcatraaaz. Ain't nothin'. Uh-uh-uh. It is nothing. It's idiomatic, biatch. (GRUNTS) All right, (GUN COCKING) hand over the tape and nobody gets hurt.

Thirsting for a way to name the unnameable, to express the inexpressible. Tell me more.

Lousy "Smarch" weather. "Do not touch Willie." Good advice.

She was looking at Nelson! Lisa likes Nelson! She does not! Milhouse likes Lisa! He does not! janie likes Milhouse! She does not! Uter likes Milhouse! Nobody likes Milhouse! Lisa, you've got detention.

That's damn fine coffee you got here in Twin Peaks... and damn good cherry pie. Brilliant.

Put on your virtual reality helmets. Mmm, excellent. Hello, Lisa. I'm Genghis Khan. You'll go where I go, defile what I defile, eat who I eat. Hmm?

Ladies and gentlemen, Krusty the Clown is dead.

for your lenient stance on crime. But suppose for a second that your house was ransacked by thugs, your family tied up in the basement with socks in their mouths! You try to open the door, but there's too much blood on the knob-- What is your, uh, question? My question's about the budget, sir.

"Explosion imminent." Oh, my God! The plant's gonna explode!

Now, the key to great dancing is one word: tappa-tappa-tappa. Tappa-tappa-tappa. Teacher, my shoes are making noise. You must be Ralph. My daddy shoots people.

Here we are. - You didn't have to drop me off. - But I wanted to. Marge, do you know how beautiful you look in the moonlight ? Oh, jacques. I'm a married woman. I know. I know. My mind says, "Stop," but my heart... and my hips cry, "Proceed."

"Yello." Marge, please. Who's this ? May I please speak to Marge ? This is her sister, isn't it ? Is Marge there ? Who shall I say is calling ? Marge, please. It's your sister. Oh ! Hello. Hello, Marge. It's Patty.

Oh-- Someday I'll have my vengeance. Someday when I find my way out of this savage, roach-ridden cesspool! Say, Terwilliger's a Yalie. Bob, come along! We need an eighth...

No, no, Reverend. The point is he said a bad word. Oh. Oh, right. Well, kids usually pick these things up from someplace. Find out who's doing it and direct them to the Bible. Where in the Bible? Uh... page 900. But, Reverend... Damn Flanders.

Welcome. I am honored to accept your waste.

Easy... Gentle... (THUDDING) (SPLASHING) Ay, caramba!

One more step, and you're a dead man.

Fire! What do I do? What do I do? Oh, the song, the song. When A fire starts to burn there's A lesson you must learn Something something then you'll see you'll avoid catastrophe D'oh!

My darling, i This was a wonderful idea, Homie. Can't get enough of your love, babe Hey, there's a turkey behind the bed! Mmm. Marge. Oh, Margie, you came and you found me a turkey

Shake, shake, shake shake, shake, shake

Please. No. Please. No. - Please. - No.

The economic slump began last spring, when the government closed Fort Springfield, devastating the city's liquor and prostitution industries. Now, at the risk of being unpopular, this reporter places the blame for all this squarely on you, the viewers.

I dub thee Sir-- Urgent call for Mr. Clown. This better be important. Oy, gevalt!

where the smiles are free, don't you know, Sven Inqvist studied the menu. Finally, he ordered the same thing he has every day. Maybe it's the TV. Stupid TV. Be more funny!

Keep looking shocked and move slowly towards the cake.

All right, stick it to the man.

That's not funny, Homer! Yeah!

At least have the guts to take the blame, girl. You're only compounding your folly by lying about it. Right on! Young lady, cow hearts belong in a butcher's window, not the classroom. Well, maybe in an older student's biology classroom, but that's none of my business.

Lisa, it's time you learned the truth about men. They're pigs? The bitterness is strong in this one.

Oh, man! Oh, my throat doctor says I'm not supposed to do that anymore.

Jingle bell what?

Hey, Homer, ain't that your kid on TV? What are you lookin' at? "What are you looking at?" The innocent words of a drunken child.

I could walk up to the president and blow smoke in his stupid monkey face, and he'd just have to sit there groovin' on it.

Hi, kids. I love-- Aaah! Aaah!

Homer, there's a family of possums in here. I call the big one Bitey.

I'm sorry, Lisa, but giving everyone an equal part... when they're clearly not equal is called what again, class? Communism! That's right.

Freedom! Bloodshed!

Oh! Ow, my leg!

I'll mace you good! That is completely taken out of context! Why you little--

The Simpsons (TIRES SCREECHING) D'oh! (SCREAMS) (BRAKES SCREECHING)

"All you can eat." Ha! Mr. Simpson, this is the most blatant case of fraudulent advertising... since my suit against the film The Neverending Story. So, do you think I have a case?

Under attack by Commie Nazis.

Homie, I disagree with your approach to the children. (GRUNTING) (GUNSHOT) (HOMER SCREAMS) (MARGE COCKS GUN) - (GUNSHOT) HOMER: D'oh! Pathetic humans. They're showing a Halloween episode. In November! Who's still thinking about Halloween?

You know how much glass is in here?

Flanders, what's your birthday? Oh, leave me out of this, Homer. Games of chance are strictly forbidden by Deuteronomy 7. Seven, eh? Seven a winner. Way to go, Flanders. The Bible's finally pulling its weight. Got any more holy numbers?

Products you could only imagine before-- the s.s. Microwave. Ah, my crÊpes are done. The Doggie Doorman. Good evening, Rex.

This contest is over. Give that man the $10,000. This isn't America's Funniest Home Videos. But the ball-- his groin-- It works at so many levels. Roll it again.

I just wish jasper johns hadn't stolen my boat. Aah! So long, suckers!

I'm sorry, Marge. I-- I can't believe I tried to trick you with such an under-- Did you do it? No! Now if you'll excuse us, we'll just be-- Does that ever work? No. No, never does. Book 'im, Lou. Yeah, sure. Go ahead. I'll be back on the streets by dinnertime! You'll see.

This year I am ready for him. Hello, Chief. Afternoon, Homer. Care for some chili? I've added an extra ingredient just for you.

When I went to pick him up, Mom was trying to stab him with a hat pin. Shh! You make me feel you make me feel like A natural woman

Shut up ! I'm over as far as I can go. All right ! All right ! I'll walk in the mud ! - Homer ? - Marge ? Yeah. You want a ride ? Sure.

I'm considerable hungry. We got any food left? Hmm. Looks like we're out of corn pone, fatback, hardtack, fat pone, "corntack." Any "tackback"? "Tackback"? - I mean "backtack." - Plumb out.

Loyal citizens of New Springfield, you stayed on my side of town... despite a total lack of hospitals and schools... and a sewage nightmare that threatens to consume us all.

And this song isn't even in the show. I don't have time for this. I got 75 shortcakes to strawberry. Now get out there, Luke.

You know, I could snip the wires. We'd fall to our deaths, but we'd save the entire town. Bart, how would you like to do something incredibly noble? - Do we have to? - Yes.

Wait a minute, you little cheater. You're not going anywhere until you tell me what a "kwyjibo" is. "Kwyjibo." Uh-- A big, dumb, balding, North American ape with no chin.

Mr. Smithers! Mr Smithers! I found another hurt shrew. I think this one has a twisted ankle. Twisted-- Aren't there any healthy animals in this forest?

The TV! The TV!

there he sitS with A pen and A yellow pad what A handsome lad that's my boy e-r-l-f-d spells "mom" and "dad"

Oh, my God! Do something, Mesmerino. Uh, yes. Yes. Um-- Oh, that's better.

Those are my feet.

Jingle bell, jingle bell jingle bell rock Lisa, you promised they'd be miserable. What the hell's going on? Oh, the pharmaceutical man come by and he shot us full of Christmas cheer. I can't feel nothing below my chin. Jingle bell, jingle bell jingle bell

Oh, there's Krusty the Clown. Krusty! Krusty, say something funny. Oh, gee, a joke, huh? Um... uh... funny... Okay, this guy walks into a bar... and takes out a tiny piano and a 12-inch pianist... Oh, no, wait. I can't tell that one.

And now our parody of Mad About You entitled...

Why, oh, why Delilah It's 11 K-BBL degrees below zero.

You've clearly taken items from the candy rack and placed them... on top of the doughnut in an attempt to pass them off as sprinkles. Well, it was like that when I got here. It really was! A Mounds bar is not a sprinkle. A Twizzler is not a sprinkle. A jolly Rancher is not a sprinkle, sir. Perhaps in Shangri-la they are, but not here. Oh.

That's it! I'm calling my buddies. Marge is not the only one who can have a girls' night out. Oh, no can do, Homer. I'm watching the game.

Snooze. Need more snooze.

Cool! She'll be a freak. Bart! We can stick her in a trailer, drive her around the South and charge two bits a gander. Now stay tuned for professional wrestling live from the Springfield Grapplarium. Tonight, a Texas death match-- Dr. Hillbilly versus The Iron Yuppie!

It's always about the Indians, isn't it, Lise? Dear Santa, if you bring me lots of good stuff, I promise not to do anything bad... between now and when I wake up, amen. Ow! I'll kill you.

Well, sir, just apply a smidgen of peanut butter to an ordinary pine cone, and you've got yourself a makeshift bird feeder, sir. I'm outta here, man.

Well, don't you worry, darlin'. I got some baby cuffs in the station. Look. This is our chance. Let's go! You can't drive, Dad. He's got your license. I'm gonna try anyway. It worked! It's a miracle!

Now, let's give it up for table five! Ah, ah, ah, ah Table five, table five Ah, ah, ah, ah

A surprise party for me? In Principal Skinner's office? Well, I don't know, but all right. Me, go to my office? Well, it's highly irregular, but all right. And you're not coming out until you reach an agreement. Help, Bart! Come on! This is not funny, Bart!

Big game fever is reaching a fevered pitch... as the fevered rivalry between Springfield U and Springfield A&M spreads like wild fever--

Bad dog! Bad cat! Bad fawn. Hmm. Shoo! Shoo! All right!

As you can see, Simpson, I have taken over all 78 channels, and you won't see any of your favorite shows again until you give in! Whoa! That bites. Holy crap! What's that you say? You can live without television... as long as you have beer? That's right. Wrong.

You pigs! Oh, no! Bette Midler!

So you can either sit there crying and eating can after can of dog food... until your tears smell enough like dog food to make your dog come back, or you can go out there and find your dog! You're right! I'll do it! Rats! I almost had him eatin' dog food.

He's not the Baron. But he sounds drunk. Take him in. Are you the Beer Baron? Yes, but only by night. By day, I'm a mild-mannered reporter for a major metropolitan newspaper. Don't crack wise with me, tubby. Tubby? Oh, yes, tubby.

Smithers, make me slap him! You call that a slap? Make me slap you. Now both. Now just you. Now give me a taste. Now both again. Mmm! Now all three. Excellent.

No, not at all. In fact, one of my guilty little pleasures... is to snuggle up with a big bucket of buttered popcorn, dim the lights, turn on itchy & Scratchy and laugh myself silly. And what the hell is wrong with that ? Not a thing. Now, for another opinion.

Release the dogs. Gee, they look pretty mad. Yeah, I've been starvin' 'em, teasin' 'em, singing off-key.

Oh, the Simpsons. Well, they're not getting back in here. Ohh.

because tonight we present The Simpsons Spin-Off Showcase.

Bart! How many times have I told you not to bite your sist-- Wait a minute! You are a vampire! Quick! We have to kill the boy! How'd you know he's a vampire? He's a vampire? Aaah!

Arr! Here be a fine vessel, the yarest river-goin' boat there be. I'll take it. Arr. I don't know what I'm doin'.

What if I talk like this? What if I sing to you? I gave my love A chicken it had no bone Mmm, chicken. So then, "mono" means "one," and "rail" means "rail."

Oh, hurry up. I'm a busy man. This high-speed modem is intolerably slow. Hey. What the-- Huh. The internet King. i wonder if he can provide faster nudity.

- Are you hiding something? What do you have under your jacket? - Nothing! Oh, Bart, not again! Give it to me. I told you. I don't have anything. You can't hide from me in this house, Bart. I spend 23 hours a day here! Get him, Ma.

Get ready, everybody. He's about to do something stupid.

Good-bye, little dude. - He looks so lifelike, man. - Yes. The school nurse did a wonderful job... reconstructing his little face after the fight. Good-bye, son. I guess you were right. All that homework was a waste of your time.

Whoo-hoo! Good sense, innocence cripple mankind dead kings, many things I can't define Ohh. We're never gonna freak anybody out with this music. I brought something from my personal stash that'll blow some minds.

I don't know! This is a nightmare! You're all sick! Oh, be nice! Oh! My son doesn't stand a chance! The whole world's gone gay! Oh, my God! What's happening now?

Lanley hired me to build his monorail. He cut corners everywhere-- bad wiring, faulty brakes. And the celebrity on the maiden voyage was Gallagher. This is all that's left... of one of the crappiest trains ever built.

Well, kids, we all know that sometimes when cartoon characters die, they're back again the very next week. That's why I'm presenting this sworn affidavit... that Poochie will never, ever, ever return! This document conforms to all applicable laws and statutes.

I have every right to be on that jury, even though I got there because I'm sleeping with the head of the festival. How many times have I heard Rex Reed say that? Oh, great. Now you're gonna make fun of me. No, Homer, I won't make fun.

Then came the big day. Fluffy and Fuzzy got married. That night came the honeymoon. Eww! She's faking it. The most satisfying part was knowing that they waited.

Chugalug, chugalug, chugalug. Chugalug, chugalug, chugalug, chugalug, chugalug.

Uh-- I don't know if I want you in here no more, Homer. I got a lot of secrets I'd prefer to keep clandestine. Uh-- Terrible, disturbing secrets. So hungry. I smell another Pulitzer.

We got a great big convoy Rocking through the night We got a great big convoy Ain't she a beautiful sight? Convoy Quit it, Dad!

"Don't do what Donny Don't does." They could've made this clearer. Oh! They won't let you have any fun. Well! If it isn't the leader of the wiener patrol...

I know you. Your little smart-mouthed boy cost this town the Olympics. Who is it, Mother? Bart Simpson's father. Oh. I'll be right down. Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!

Help me, Simpson. Tell me your secret. Uh, Mr. Burns, in spite of what everybody thinks, I'm no lover boy. Simpson, I'm asking you nicely. I don't really know, sir. Simpson ! Well, I wine them, I... dine them, bring them flowers, write them love poetry, sir.

And look at these toy soldiers! They'll break the second I step on 'em. Stupid... toy... soldiers! Break, you stupid-- All right. Come on, pops. - Soldiers won't bother you anymore. - Oh!

My baby. My darling, I Can't get enough of your love, babe girl, I don't know i don't know why can't get enough of your love, babe

Sharing is a bunch of bull too. And helping others. And what's all this crap I've been hearing about tolerance? Hmm. Your ideas are intriguing to me, and I wish to subscribe to your newsletter.

Jingle bell, jingle bell jingle bell

No, no, no, no, no! Ay. ¿DÓnde estÁ mi tequila?

I'll save you, Lisa! (RUMBLING) Oh, my God! Oh! Ooh. Be careful, Mom! There's hot lava under the ground!

Hey! Don't worry! We'll catch him or run him over trying!

Homer! Homer! Homer! Homer! just try to remain inconspicuous. What's he saying? Uh, he's saying, uh, we wouldn't dream of sacrificing the blue-haired woman. Oh, well, isn't that-- Whoa! Mm-hmm.

Hey, there, Kirk. Oh, boy! What's going on? Patio party? Nah. A possum drowned in the pool. You have any garbage bags? Ah, just throw it over the fence. Let Arby's worry about it. That's jerry. He's a major player down at the sewing store.

Sign our petition!

- Simpson! - S h h _

Oh-- What was I laughing at now?

Yeah, guys like me. Who are you anyway? Do the words "executive producer" mean anything to you? - Executive producer? - We'll talk. You've desecrated a classic film. This is worse than Godfather iii. Whoa. Whoa. Hey, whoa. Let's not say things we can't take back. All right, all right. I'm sorry. But this film is never going to see the light of day.

But, Mom, I read that sport utility vehicles... are more likely to be involved in fatal accidents. Fatal to the people in the other car. Let's roll.

Oh, good. He snagged that tree branch. Oh, no! The branch broke off. Oh, good. He can grab onto them pointy rocks. Oh, no. Them rocks broke his arms and legs! Oh, good. Those helpful beavers are swimming out to save him. Oh, no. They're biting him and stealing his pants.

Oh, nuts! We lost him. I told you we shouldn't have gone for long-term parking. Hey, look! It's Elton john! We had to make an emergency landing. It's that damn chandelier again.

Gavin, don't you already have this game?

Do you feel Like we do Man, that guy's guitar is talkin'! Hey, my shoes are talkin' too! Don't worry.

Gina, before we get any closer, there's something you need to know about me. I think girls are icky pants. It took a lot of courage to say that. Courage I'm gonna pinch outta you.

Give it up, Lise. She's a criminal mastermind.

It's a beautiful day to kick your ass! You die now!

Our oldest resident, Cornelius Chapman. Cornelius Chapman built the first log cabin in Springfield... and introduced the toothbrush to our fair City. Hey! Not bad! For years, he was Springfield's only basketball player,

Lovely to Love Your Lovin', and Simpsons Christmas Boogie went mega-platinum and swept the Grammys. Right. And the award for Best Hard-core Thrash Metal goes to... Simpsons Christmas Boogie? Simpsons Christmas Boogie

Heh. Hey. Ooh. Look out. Yeah. How does he do it, Smithers ? He's a love machine, sir. Da, da, da Way to go, Dad.

Ow! Watch it, coney! Whoops. Do you see a light, Homer? Yes. Move into the light, my son. Ow!

f Lisa's Voice f

Is this a sham marriage? Sure, baby. Is that a problemo? You married me just to help your career? You make it sound so sordid. - Look, don't we have a good time together? - Yes, but-- Don't you have everything you ever wanted here?

It sounds like fun.

Howdily-do-- - Greetings, friend-- - Dang! I told you to unplug the phone. But it could be my mother. Howdy-- Shoot! Greetings, friend-- That is it, Ned. If you don't unplug that phone right now, you're sleeping on the lawn. Will you two shut up? People are trying to sleep!

And I've been on safari. If you need me, I'll be in the refrigerator. Mmm ! Mr. Burns, I've had enough of your... posing. I can finish the portrait myself. Thank goodness. Another day in this suburban nightmare and I would've needed half a Valium.

I don't care. His mom doesn't care. Do any of you care?

We're alone now. BART: You're never alone in this crap shack! Why, you little... (BART CHOKING)

That guy cheapens our whole profession. What do you think of him, Internet Comic?

State schools got their share too. Here, lottery officials present Springfield Elementary with a brand-new eraser. One eraser? I'm used to my government betraying me. I was in 'Nam. I served for-- And speaking of lotteries here are the winning numbers for this week's $40,000 jackpot.

Fine! I'm dead.

Don't tell anyone, but, uh, Marge Simpson was arrested for shoplifting. Let the word go forth from this time and place, Marge Simpson is a shoplifter.

to something called the "Corey Hotline." Wasn't me. Lisa! Why didn't you ask our permission, Lisa? I did. - Dad, can I-- - Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Everybody wins.

What a crappy candle.

Guess what, Lurleen. I got you a gig on TV. Oh, Homer, you're as smart as you are handsome.

So, Twiggy, I hear you and your husband, Woody, just had a baby. What did you name him? Chip. Take it off! - All right, Dad. You've been warned. Let's go. - Hey! - Come on. - Easy.

I'm gonna fight this thing. Oh, please don't. For me? Sorry, Marge. This is my quest. I'm like that guy, that Spanish guy. - You know, he fought the windmills. - Don Quixote? No, that's not it. What's his name? "The Man of La Mancha." - Don Quixote. - No! I really think that was the character's name-- Don Quixote.

Heh. We're proud of all of our Duff commercials, but here's a very special one from 1960. Well, I would suggest, Mr. Vanocur, that, uh, if you knew the president, uh, that that was probably just a facetious remark. And now a word from our sponsor. I would like to take this opportunity...

I hear those things are awfully loud it glides As softly As A cloud is there A chance the track could bend not on your life my Hindu friend what about us brain-dead slobs you'll be given cushy Jobs were you sent here by the devil no, good Sir I'm on the level the ring Came off my pudding can take my pen knife my good man

So, you like doughnuts, eh? - Uh-huh. - Well, have all the doughnuts in the world!

"You will not see me again until I am a man." Oh, Homer... Homer! We're all in shock. I thought he'd tWo-time you for a while first.

- Remember, pick up Bart. - I'm on my way.

Homer, sign this application and you're a Shoo-in. That dog has somebody's ham! This I gotta see! Give me that ham, you stupid dog!

Who are we? The Wildcats! Who are we gonna beat? The Wildcats!

- Governors Island. - Look! It's ZZ Top! You guys rock! Eh, maybe a little.

So? We already heard the Dum, dum, dum, dum The rest is just filler. I thought this was gonna be the soundtrack to the movie Beethoven. Was I sadly mistaken. It sounds better on my cell phone. (BEETHOVEN'S FIFTH SYMPHONY PLAYING) Don't leave now! The next piece is an atonal medley by Philip Glass.

They're made of apple cores and Chinese newspapers. Hey. Deng Xiaoping died. Homer, listen to me. Turn back now!

Excuse me, sir. Did you repossess this dog from a guy named Santos L. Halper? Yeah. Yeah, I remember this mutt. We sold him to some guy wearing a dress. No, I didn't buy your dog. I gotta go keep an eye on Selma. She thinks she swallowed a Band-Aid.

Well, take note of this. (CHOKING) (CHUCKLES) (CHOKING) (CHUCKLES) (SIGHS) Bart really did get 100.

I didn't do it.

I just couldn't cut it today. All I wanted was a little version of me... that I could hold in my arms. Oh, jub jub. When I went to pick him up, Mom was trying to stab him with a hat pin.

What are you gonna do to us? Now, don't worry. I'm not a stabbin' hobo. I'm a singin' hobo. Nothin' beats the hobo life Stabbin' folks with my hobo knife I gouge them-- Excuse me, Hobo. Can you play something a little less unnerving?

Nothin' beats the hobo life Stabbin' folks with my hobo knife I gouge them-- Excuse me, Hobo. Can you play something a little less unnerving?

Sorry, Lise. I no longer control the hand. The hand controls me! Dad! Shut up, you little monsters! Hello, I was wondering if you'd like to babysit my little angels.

Ah, this'll never work. I love you, Marjorie. Oh, Homer. I love you too. Mmmwha !

"Beer goggles. See the world through the eyes of a drunk!" Wow! You're charming the pants off of me. What did you say, Aunt Selma?

Do you see why I brought you here, Simpson? Yes. Yes. If I keep putting work first... I'll lose everyone I care about... just like you did! Thank you, Mr. Burns.

who needs the kwik-e-mart

"...inefficiently mining uranium that could be purchased quite cheaply on the foreign markets, "uh, the long-term benefits more than offsetting the one-time cost... "for a net savings of f-five thousand, two, uh, hundred and--" Oh, lots of money.

And the next 20 callers will get this album of museum noises. Now your music room can sound... just like the Metropolitan Museum in New York. Outstanding. Why are you torturing me? I'm just a man! You know, I've worked with so many legendary actors over the years...

I will now transport Sir Isaac Newton into the modern day. Warning! Power failure! Oh! Oh! Sweet glayvin! Oh, good God! Hey, wait, wait, wait! Ow! Oh! Oh! Sir Isaac's legs are hurting!

Didn't you just die when you found these? Not really. They just had corn on them. Kitchen, corn. Oh! - Ha! - Ow!

Found 'em! You kids are in big trouble, running away from home like this!

Oh, come on, Luann. You know what this is. Kirk, I don't know what it is. Oy! It could not be more simple, Luann. Do you want me to show this to the cat and have the cat tell you what it is? 'Cause the cat's gonna get it. I'm sorry. I'm not as smart as you, Kirk. We didn't all go to Gudger College.

Boo! Oh, boo yourself.

Ye old town crier proclaimed crappy by all. Chooseth Homer Simpson, and he shalt rock thy world. Good God! He is fabulous. Mmm. He's "embiggened" that role with his "cromulent" performance.

We gotta clean this up before Mom gets back. No problemo. We'll just sweep it all under the rug. Hey, watch it.

We're not Whitesnake, dude. We're Poison. I thought we were Quiet Riot. It says here we're Ratt.

In fact, when you're up there "blah, blah, blah-ing," I'm usually doodling or mentally undressing the female parishioners. Well, anyhoo, can I have $40,000?

How dare you destroy my valuable wall and spill my priceless acid? Did you really think you were going to get away with it? - I wasn't-- - Silence! I'm going to give you one more chance-- at a reduced salary. So straighten up and fly right. But, sir, if I could--

Yeah, good. That raccoon stole my lamb chop!

Mom, you wouldn't dare. Don't take that tone with me, young lady, or I'll give you a taste of the back of me hand. No, you don't.

Mr. Burns, you wanted to see me? Uh, actually, I was wondering if you were free... for a little get-together tonight. Dinner, dancing, and... Mr. Tom jones. Hello, Marge. That's it.

Congratulations. I am the emperor. Yeah? And I'm "clobber-saurus." All hail Emperor Clobbersaurus.

Compadres, it is imperative that we crush the freedom fighters... before the start of the rainy season. And remember, a shiny new donkey... for whoever brings me the head of Colonel Montoya. Hmm? What? Oh. And by that I mean, of course, it's time for the Worker of the Week Award.

The whole town's laughing at me. Even that cat out there. Bart, kill that cat! Okay! And that big yellow flower!

Don't worry, Homer. You'll always be a part of me. D'oh!

except they're on the Gabbo Show now. So, here's Eastern Europe's favorite cat and mouse team, Worker and Parasite!

I hit it! I hit it! My cans. My precious, antique cans. Aw, look what you done to 'em. Well, it's getting late. Maybe we should call it a night.

Er, um, I mean, no. No. Well, where's my dad?

can't buy me love oh

Homer, where's the dog? I tied him up out back.

Hello, chief. Let's talk. Why not? Uh, hello? Why am I Mr. Sparkle? Oh, you like Mr. Sparkle? Well, I am Mr. Sparkle. Oh, you have many question Mr. Sparkle. - I send you premium. Answer question 100%. - Hmm!

Yeah, I seen her. Uh, that is to say, I saw her.

Oh, yeah? Well-- hyperbolic paraboloid-- your mama. Yeah, I got a question for that gross thing, whatever it is. Homer. Nah, the green dude. If you're that baby's daddy, where you been at?

There's a 4:30 in the morning now? Top of the hour. Time for the morning news. But, of course, there is no news yet. Everyone is still asleep in their comfy, comfy beds. Good night, everybody.

Mmm. Uh, jimbo, why don't you... assist Lunch Lady Doris in the kitchen. - Bite me, Skinner. - Well might we. It's hard for me to clean this giant pot... when you keep spilling meat tenderizer all over me. Oh, great. Now I gotta work in the dark.

Dr. Riviera. Dr. Nick Riviera. Please report to the coroner immediately. The coroner? I'm so sick of that guy. Well, see you in the operating place. Where are the bodies? Oh, such a nice day. I think I'll go out the window. Ho!

(GASPING) Get ready, skanks. Here comes the truth train! This isn't an island. It's a peninsula. (DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING) (GASPING) This was supposed to be about trust! (SOBBING) I just want to get on that boat and go home! Well, you don't need a boat because you can walk. (WAILING)

Gay. Gay for pay. Gay. Tennessee Williams? But how did he survive in the world oftheater? Homer, pul-leeze. Practically everyone who’s acted in, produced or even seen a play is gay. Uh, Homer, I think you should see this. Homie, I tried to tell you how I feel... but I cant find the right words.

You gotta slow your car down and let me in because I'm a big fat guy and I can't go anywhere. Because there's gonna be some poison gas. There's gonna be really poison gas. Everybody's gonna be dead, especially me! D'oh! The ice-cream man. You gotta let me in your car and drive me-- Take anything you want, man! Take it all!

Now, Marge, you can't blame all of Bart's problems on your one little speech. If anything turned him bad, it's that time... you let him wear a bathing suit instead of underwear. And let's not forget your little speech.

Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. I'm afraid classes may be canceled today. Look!

Uh, there are no other balls. just these, uh, reptile eggs! Oh, step away! They're endangered. These aren't reptile eggs. You've been cheating! No matter where Mr. Burns hits the ball, you put a fresh one on the green! Cheating? For me?

No one's ever won Moe’s "drink a gallon of gin" challenge. And no one ever will. Ah, life is good.

Recruit my heart Four sweet years of love Everybody ball walk! Oh, yeah! Looking good, guys. And... double time!

Morphine, please.

He is quite a charmer. Your father's certainly taken a shine to him. Oh! Homer, you are the living end. Oh! That john is the greatest guy in the world.

Arnie Pie in the Sky with the morning commute. Traffic this morning is as bad as it gets. Due to a fire at the army testing lab, a bunch of escaped, infected monkeys are roaming the expressway. Despite the sweltering heat, don't unroll your windows, 'cause those monkeys seem confused and irritable.

Alone! I'm alone!

Homer, I've a proposition for ye, fair and true. Come on, Marge. Let the people see your pretty face. Come see "Bottomless Pete," nature's cruelest mistake. Come for the freak, stay for the food. Oh, he's hideous! I heard they shaved a gorilla.

Exactly. D'oh! - Next! - ¡Excellente! Es muy bueno. Oh, it's hopeless. I'll have to play myself. Oh, I thought they were playing... The Rocky Horror Picture Show tonight.

Let's go now, Mr. Puente. Chocolate microscopes? You know those guitars that are, like, double guitars, you know? More rubber stamps. Principal Skinner, this is your secretary. There is one last student here to see you. That's odd. I don't have a secretary or an intercom.

I give you our 39th president, jimmy Carter.

No. Homework's not my father's specialty. There's no shame in it. My dad-- Not mine. You didn't let me finish. Unless the next word was "burp," you didn't have to.

Hey, that's my Madonna gag. That guy stole my gag.

Anybody lose their glasses? Last chance. Whoo-hoo! The sum of the square roots of any two sides of an isosceles triangle... is equal to the square root of the remaining side. - That's a right triangle, ya idiot! - D'oh!

That barkeep's a no-good cheat! Cheat? Eh-- All right. We've all got derringers. Now let's just put 'em away. Nobody here is a cheat. Cheat? Aw, geez.

Aah ! Mr. Burns wants you to march into his office right now. Uh-oh. Ah, Simpson. At last we meet. It's, uh, nice to meet you too, sir. Yes. My attorneys have advised me to pay you... for running over your child, so I'm cutting you a check. Really ? Great !

Back to the wing. Back to the center. Center holds it. Holds it. Holds it.

Well, there's nothing scarier than having to go to school.

If you really wanted us to be neater, you'd serve us out of one long bowl. You're talking about a trough. We're not going to eat from a trough. And another thing. It's only 5:15. Why are you in your underwear? Hey, this ain't the Ritz.

I'm a level-five vegan. I won't eat anything that casts a shadow.

Hold it. What's your clearance? We just wanna get a snack. Access denied. But, Dad-- Homer, I don't want you using your new sleeper hold on the children. They'll be fine in half an hour. That's not the point. And another thing--

Oh, and, uh, my deepest sympathies. Homer. That's my name. When I asked you if that dummy was to fake your own death, you told me no. You go downtown first thing in the morning and straighten this out. Mom! Dad! Bart ran into a door frame and bit his tongue! What the hell is going on here?

Oh, my Lord! Oh, isn't that cute. A baby driving a car.

Mmm, mmm. So, to summarize: Say what you want about me. I can take the slings and arrows. But stop slandering poor, defenseless Blinky. Good night and God bless.

Hi, Lisa. Hi, Super Nintendo Chalmers. I'm "learnding." Aw, way to go, Ralph.

Oh! I thought the Generals were due!

Oh, man. Oh, man. We killed Mr. Burns! Mr. Burns is gonna be so mad!

Come on, jub jub. Let's go home, and I'll microwave you some nice roaches.

Huh? - Bad news, Sheriff- - f Homer's Voice f Lisa Simpson. - Some Indians took all the- - f Homer's Voice] McNuggets. Mmm, McNuggets. f Sia vering f i ii get those no-good indians. .. - fast as sure as my favorite book is- - f Homer's Voice] Magazines.

expecting a certain level of professionalism. But-But you don't understand-- I ate too much plastic candy. Heavens to betsy. The star of the show is sick. Whatever will we do? There's only one person who can get us out of this pickle. Lisa? Yes? Help me into Ralph's costume.

- We made it, old friend! - We sure did. - Huzzah! - Whoo-hoo! D'oh!

She has the sloping brow and cranial bumpage of the career criminal. Uh, sir, phrenology was dismissed as quackery 160 years ago. Of course you'd say that. You have the brainpan of a stagecoach tilter.

Wave of the future! That's right, honey. If you nurture her gift now, there's no telling what she can do. Wow, just think of the possibilities. Lisa Simpson has won the Nobel Prize. Nah.

Stop clapping! Whoa!

Oh! God, my back!

Kids, your father and I are going through a really tough time right now, and I don't know what's going to happen. But just remember that both your mom and your dad love you very, very much. Wow, I've never seen Mom so mad at Homer before.

Hi, Poochie! You look like you've got something to say. - Do you? - Yes, I certainly do. I have to go now. My planet needs me. Wow! Poochie came from another planet? Uh, I guess.

The Court of infernal Affairs is now in session. Very well. But first, some ground rules. Number one: We get bathroom breaks every half hour. Agreed. Number two: The jury will be chosen by me. Agreed. No, wait! Silence! I give you the jury of the damned!

Think of me, babe, whenever

English - US - Line 21

Wendell is cut. Rudy is cut. Janie, you're gone. Steven, I like your hustle. That's why it was so hard to cut you. Congratulations! The rest of you made the team. Except you, you and you.

Hmm? I told you this was a bad idea. All right, all right! I'll get rid of the trampoline.

Oh, come on! He's history's greatest monster!

Well, I, uh... You see, the truth is... I never had one. No Bar Mitzvah? In the eyes of God and the Springfield Jewish Walk of Fame Committee, you are not a Jewish man! Now see here! Do you know how much I donate to the B'nai B'rith? Actually, I do.

See, Marge? I told you they could deep-fry my shirt. I didn't say they couldn't. I said you shouldn't. Step right up and see Duncan, the Incredible Diving Horse! I wish people would stop telling me to "step right up." Looks like he's ready to dive, folks!

Don't thank me. Thank the moon's gravitational pull.

The way I acted ? So I said, "I must get out of these wet clothes and into a dry martini." Well said. Thank you. Oh, good Lord. There's a fly in my drink. I put it there. - You did ? - I slipped it into your glass as a gag. Pure hilarity ! Pure Homer. I pronounce it to be the most whimsical jape of the season. Quite.

But if you just hang in there, they'll eventually accept you. Get to work! I wanna see my face in that horse's ass!

but I'm goin' in for surgery tomorrow, and I wondered if I could rub the angel with my foot for good luck. - It's foot surgery. - Hey, i'm trying to eat here! Beat it, peg leg! jackass! Marge.

Hello, Homer. It's me, KITT, from TV's Knight Rider.

He spanked you? You? Bart Simpson? I begged him to stop, but he said it was for the good of the nation. Big deal! When I was a pup, we got spanked by presidents till the cows came home. Grover Cleveland spanked me on two nonconsecutive occasions! Grampa, I know in your day spanking was common,

This taco is full of hair. Uh-huh. There's your explanation. Shall we tell Marge? Let her read about it in the society page.

just hook it to my veins!

Oh, Lisa, it's normal to be sad when a friend dies, and Bleeding Gums was a good friend to you. But nobody is really gone as long as we remember them. Lisa, honey, if you really want to preserve his memory, I recommend getting a tattoo. It preserves the things you love. "Starland Vocal Band"? They suck!

f Bird Shheks f

(WOMAN SCREAMS) (THEME PLAYED IN SINISTER TUNE)

Dad? Pie Man is not your father, little girl. I murdered your father.

Hey. We just got away with murder. And it was so easy! You know, I've never liked that little wiener Milhouse.

Will cash be okay?

- Be careful. - Homer ! Homer ! Homer !

if I ever get ahold of you, I'll sink my teeth into your cheek and rip your face off ! You'll do what, young man ? What-What ? Wait. Who is this ? I think the real question is who is this and where is Homer Simpson ? Whoa, whoa. Sorry. Principal Skinner, sorry. It's a bad connection, I think. It's for you. I think Bart's in trouble again.

The lemon tree's gone!

Here's your host, Kent Brockman. Good evening. Did you know that 34 million american adults are obese? That excess blubber could fill two-fifths of the Grand Canyon. That may not sound impressive but keep in mind, it is a very big canyon.

You've seen the movie. Now meet a real-life Noah. Only this Noah has been accused of killing two of every animal.

Ew! Ugh! What is it?

You can't take my Emmy. You know the rules: awards for entertainment are contraband. No Emmys, no Oscars, not even a Golden Globe. But kismet be kind, well as cruel. I received an answer to my letter... from the prison pen pal program.

I'm really more of a chum. What about you, Lenny? I'm a crony. Carl? I'd say acquaintance. Colleague. Sympathizer. Compadre. Associate. Contemporary. I'm a well-wisher, in that I don't wish you any specific harm.

Yeah, well, you'd be grumpy too if you were taken out of your natural habitat... and gawked at by a bunch of slack-jawed yokels. Hey, Ma, look at that pointy-hairded little girl. You guys don't understand Stampy. He's just like me. We're a pair of jokers, and both of us are wild. We don't take nothing from nobody.

There was nothing in Al Capone's vault But it wasn't Geraldo's fault D'oh! Look what I got! Now people will stop intentionally ramming our car! Mmm. Baby on board.

I shouldn't have shaken hands with those old people.

You know, most people don't know the difference... between apple cider and apple juice. But I do. Now, here's a little trick to help you remember. If it's clear and yella, you've got juice there, fella. If it's tangy and brown, you're in cider town. Now, there's two exceptions and it gets kind of-- Oh! You can stay, but I'm leaving.

And... action! Hold on! Cut! - Oh, for crying out loud! - Oh, man! Oh! Bart, if it's not too much trouble-- Fine. I'll do Teen Wolf 3. I've got fair-weather friends to feed. Dad, I want to go to bed. Aren't there child labor laws?

And he'd been up for three days. SMITHERS: Homer Simpson, report to Mr. Burns' office immediately. Ahhh! (WHIMPERING) (ALL LAUGHING) What a delightful practically-based joke.

My purpose in life is to witness this moment.

Whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. This movie’s turning into "SpongeBob NoPants.” Cut.

And that was "Kung Fu Fighting." Say, speaking of one-trick ponies, whatever happened to that "I didn't do it" kid? Boy, did that get old fast. Whoa! You know, if you wanna last in this business, you gotta stay fresh.

Yeah! Homer, I thought you were only gonna do this day care thing... till your knee was better. Yes. But then I discovered the joys of raising children. What about us? Don't worry, honey. You'll have children of your own someday. Then you'll know my joy.

Doughnut? What's a doughnut?

Huh? This is Becky. She's in the second grade. Hi, Becky. Thanks for coming out. "See ya." He writes the way people talk!

Mr. Groening, will you autograph my Bender doll? Sure. I'm happy to give anyone my autograph anytime or anywhere. On the street, in a store or on my private property. But why be happy with just an autograph? What about an original sketch or snippet of my hair? And don't forget to pull my beard. They say it's good luck.

What's that, boy? We're in control? Hey, look! I can see my voice! Brrrrrrr! Hee! Hee! Blup, blup, blup, blup, blup. This is my voice on Tv - Dad! You're ruining the mood! Sorry.

Hello! Hello! You have my pills! Hello? I'm cold, and there are wolves after me.

Good rice, good curry, good Gandhi, let's hurry. Mmm! This is delicious. - What's in it? - Chickpeas, lentils and rice. And what's in this? Chickpeas and lentils. Try it with rice.

It's so tragic the way they hopped on Pop. I always dreamed you'd be my library buddy. Get out. No, really. I think books have an amazing power to bring people together. Look. Even Cletus is checking one out. Now hold still. Nothing cracks a turtle like Leon Uris.

You always go with your gut. This time, why don't you listen to your brain? All right, I will. (UKULELE MUSIC PLAYING) That's why I don't listen to my brain.

Time for your 9:00 a.m. feeding. Heh, heh, heh.

Hey, you've gotta be 18 to sell your blood. - Let's see some I.D. - Here you go, doll face. - Hmm. Okay, Homer. just relax. - Ow !

No. No. No. I think we can do without the crack pipe. Oh, hi. As the Fox censor, it's my job to protect you from reality.

You're letting me go? Kirk, crackers are a family food. Happy families. Maybe single people eat crackers. We don't know. Frankly, we don't want to know. It's a market we can do without. So that's it after 20 years-- so long, good luck? I don't recall saying "good luck."

Hello! Itchy and Scratchy Land, open for business. Who are you to resist it, huh? Come on. My last paycheck bounced. My children need wine.

The crisis? Charlie Bluhdorn's birthday. The solution? A snappy banner. Out comes the phone, in flies Bobby Towne... and six drafts later, I had myself a party.

Must remove my breastplate. Maybe later.

Johnny Tightlips, where'd they hit you? I ain't sayin' nothin'. But what do I tell the doctor? Tell him to suck a lemon.

Good, 'cause I got a hot date tonight. A date. Dinner with friends. Dinner alone. Watching TV alone. All right! I'm gonna sit at home and ogle the ladies... in the Victoria Secret Catalog. Sears Catalog.

Listen, ya lousy bum. If I ever get a hold of you, I'll cut your belly open.

Beautiful. Well, Marge, should I whack slow or fast? Slow, then fast. - Uh-oh. - Dad, please.

I know I really shouldn't, but when am I gonna be here again? Whee!

Prove me wrong, kids. Prove me wrong. I've never seen them fight like that. I'm worried that all this posturing... and saber rattling could lead to a teachers' strike. Strike, eh? Ow! My bones are so brittle.

And it was a baby ox. He's right, you know. About the ox? About everything, damn it! Hey, Homer, wait up! I want to die too!

I thought this thing was gonna be catered. Boy, am I hungry. I mean I'm really, really hungry. It's just not fair, damn it!

Don't worry. He's taken a million of these capsules.

Slow down. The sidewalk's for regular walkin', not for fancy walkin'. Get outta my way. I'm in a hurry. You simmer down, I'll let you go. So, instead of wounding an evil old man, I may have killed an innocent old man. That's much worse.

Exactly. D'oh! - Next! - ¡Excellente! Es muy bueno. Oh, it's hopeless. I'll have to play myself.

Mark! Mark! Mark! Mark! Pick me! My whole life has been leading to this moment. Like hell it has. If anybody's gonna play Obi, it's me. Step away, foolish amateurs. Just keep back. Keep out of it. The role is mine. With the acting and the groupies and the "Luke, Luke, save me"... with the light saber and the "vwing, vwing, vwing."

Well, maybe in an older student's biology classroom, but that's none of my business. Elementary school is where I wound up, and it's too late to do anything about that. Frankly, I'm starting to regret skipping you ahead.

He paid me and Carl a thousand bucks to kiss each other. Hey, did we ever get that money? But reckless spending and interracial homoeroticism... were just volume one of The Encyclopedia Self-Destructica.

Apu, I see you're not in church. Oh, but I am. I have a shrine to Ganesha, the god of worldly wisdom located in the employee lounge. Hey, Ganesha, want a peanut? Please do not offer my god a peanut. No offense, Apu, but when they were handing out religions, you must've been out taking a whiz. Mr. Simpson, please pay for your purchases and get out and come again.

Well, Seymour, I made it-- despite your directions. Ah. Superintendent Chalmers. Welcome. I hope you're prepared for an unforgettable luncheon. Yeah.

We'll see. That always means no. Mmm! Where's your mother? I gotta get to Moe's. Dad, Mom's been driving everyone everywhere. Why don't you take public transportation? Public transportation is for jerks and lesbians. Oh, I guess I'll walk. Stupid walking.

Captain, can't we go any faster? I greatly fear we shan't be in Wimbledon by noonfall. No worries, madam. Lumley, shovel on more dogs, won't you? Aye, aye. More dogs! More dogs! In you go!

Well, neither could your parents. That's why they brought you to me. Well, I'm afraid young Ned is unusually aggressive, but I can't seem to find a cause for it. Hey! Hey! Get down from that bookshelf, please! Most of those books haven't been discredited yet. Would you please tell your son to stop?

Anyhoo, now that I'm your king again-- - Ralph, I thought you were dead. - Nope!

from inside that volcano. Why are you so cruel? This vacation really blows. Well, at least we're past the lighting round. Hmm. I see.

Bart, you want some brownie before you go to bed?

Any valuables in the house? Well, the Picasso, my collection of classic cars-- Sorry. This policy only covers actual losses, not made-up stuff. Well, that's just great. Fire, man's oldest foe.

Mr. Mayor, is it true you rigged the election? No, I did not. Kids, help. Oh, I don't mind. We want these children to feel justice has been served. That way, they can sleep soundly tonight...

Shut up, brain, or I'll stab you with a Q-tip.

Bart, come with me for punishment. You too, snitchy.

I'm just sayin'.

Dad, how would you like to be sold to an ivory dealer? I'd like it fine. Even if he killed you... and made your teeth into piano keys? Yes, of course I would. Who wouldn't like that, to be part of the music scene?

Now listen, Abe. I want to know why my money isn't bringing you happiness. Oh, Bea, I'm not cut out for the high life. Abraham, if you're not happy with the money, why don't you spread it around ? Make other people as happy as you made me. Oh, thanks, Bea. I will !

Do we need all those "mayhems"? We do. All right. Fair enough. I suppose you know your business. Get ready for fun! Fun! Fun! Uh, people are already here. We don't need to keep hustling them like this, do we? Will you let go of me? Where are you throwing me?

That's it. Twenty-three skiddoo, 24,

Dear Log: It won't be long now before my mind melts... into a soft, Simpsony sludge. Soon, the arts and literature I love will be replaced... by talk radio and vulgar mud flaps. It's time to give my brain its last meal.

Oh, memories! If this old place could talk. It'd say--

This better be important. Oy, gevalt! just let your head flop back and forth.

Wait a minute, Scully. What's the point of this test? No point. I just thought he could stand to lose a little weight. His jiggling is almost hypnotic. Yes. It's like a lava lamp.

I'll bet I get blamed for this. But, Aquaman, you cannot marry a woman without gills. You're from two different worlds. Oooh, I've wasted my life.

So, how do you like bein' Miss Popularity? Oh, well, you know, it ain't so great. Bart, it's the best thing that ever happened to me in my whole life! Well, anyway, I brought you a present. Look!

Guess who, fat boy! - Marge! Marge, look! - Oh, my God! The doll's trying to kill me, and the toaster's been laughing at me. Eww! Dog water. Your doll is trying to kill my husband!

Hey, if you guys are getting loaded off them fumes, I'm gonna have to charge you. Man alive, there are men alive in here. I'm detecting over 20 different toxins in the air. All right, everybody out! As long as Burns is pumping oil, this bar is closed. Damn Burns. Lemme just get one thing.

Woody, give me a beer. I think you've had enough, Mr. Peterson. My chiropractor says I can't carry you home anymore. just give me another beer, you brain-dead hick! I'll kill ya! I'll kill all of ya! Whoa! Settle down, Normie. You gotta save those pipes for karaoke.

I think it's the bright blue pants.

Monorail! Monorail! Monorail! I still think we should have spent the money to fix Main Street. Well, you should have written a song like that guy. Thank you for coming, Mr. Lanley. I'm Miss Hoover. Miss Hoover? That is hard to believe. Oh, you. I'm here to answer any questions you children have about the monorail.

Clear! Clear! Doctor, he's gone. Oh! This is the part of the job I hate.

Bart, if you come out, I'll let you eat raw cookie dough.

Actually, sir, we've been booked into a small theater in New Mexico. Whoa. Whoa. Slow down there, maestro. There's a new Mexico?

I'm Skinner. Seymour? Mother! She's my mother! Will someone remove that crazy man, please? No. No. He's-- He's not crazy. It's true. I'm--

I'm sorry, kid. We got Simpson D.N.A. on Burns's clothing, and your father was identified by the old man himself.

Aah! My face! My valuable face! Hmph! Oy!

The only ship worth a damn is friendship. Look. Here comes the "friend ship" sailing your way. Ooh, here. Let me get that, friend. Oops. Lost a nail. Well, that's leprosy for you.

LISA: Help! Help! So much sulfur dioxide! I'm coming, sweetheart!

do you find something funny about the word "tromboner"? No, sir. I was laughing at something outside. She was looking at Nelson! Lisa likes Nelson! She does not! Milhouse likes Lisa! He does not! janie likes Milhouse! She does not!

Whoo-hoo! In your little faces! He's going the distance He's going for speed Because he's racing And pacing and plotting the course He's fighting and biting and riding on his horse

As Roger Meyers Jr., the owner of the park, I'd like to thank you for stopping the killer robots. And to show my appreciation, here are two free passes. But there are five of us. Here are two free passes. - That's better. - Man, if this is happening here,

Five, six, so long, hicks!

licorice whip I Said whip it licorice whip

It was, Marge. Admit it.

She's been described as a woman in her early 30s,

Oh! You haven't changed at all! You're still evil. And when you're trying to be good, you're even more evil. I don't understand. Pigs need food. Engines need coolant. Dynamiters need dynamite. I'm supplying it to them at a tidy profit. And not a single sea creature was wasted.

Anytime, chum... p.

Ooh. I know. Spendover. Like Passover, but less talk, more presents. Product Day? No, no, no! No. It's got to be warm and fuzzy-- something like, um, Love Day, but not so lame. Happy Love Day, everyone!

Go into hyperspace! Wait! Where's the hyperspace? Grandpa, you're the spaceship. I thought I was this guy. - Oh! - Oh! Game's over. I got down on the floor for this?! Wait, Dad.

Homer, what happened to you? Marge, I figured out what I can give you that no one else can: a bouquet of po-- ohhh. I give up. I don't deserve to live with you.

The toilet seat's up. But that wouldn't happen unless...

Now we play the waiting game. Ah, the waiting game sucks. Let's play Hungry Hungry Hippos. Oh, thank you, Mr. Plow. Now my store can remain open.

Ah! 206 bones, 50 miles of small intestine, full, pouting lips. Why, this fellow is less a snowman than a god!

Disco Stu knows his place. My husband's a power-mad star. Maybe now we can get that padding that goes under rugs. (SPEAKING HEBREW)

Will there be beer? Beer is not allowed. Homer no function beer well without. Would you rather have beer or complete and utter contentment? What kind of beer? The Leader knows how miserable you, Marge, Lisa, Bart and Maggie are.

More tea, Edna? What kind of little boy has a tea set? I think we both know the answer to that. A lucky boy! You know, Seymour,

You little-- Lisa, no! Your hands are too weak. Stop that.

Did anyone see the movie Tron? No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. Yes. Er, um, I mean, no. No. Well, where's my dad? Well, it should be obvious to even the most dimwitted individual...

Ooh. Thanks, buddy. Hey, I lost my turn.

I believe today I will try... Bold. Bart, how are you? How's school? Um, it's-- it's a lot of fun. Hmm.

I'll take a rocket bomb! What can I get for 30 cents? Let go! I gotta get to the tank! Heck, I can't decide without the pictures. Six, ha-ya-yah. Oh!

One square watermelon, please. Oh, my goodness. Homer, those are $150. It's worth every cent. I'm tired of fumbling with round fruit. D'oh! Well, maybe we should just head back to the hotel.

Oh, but you love silhouette night.

So if you don't want to see crude, lowbrow programming disappear from the airwaves, please, call now. Hello! Murdoch here. $10,000! You've saved my network. Wouldn't be the first time.

Nobody pouts going into a jiggy. Yeah. That's stupid. I want to twirl! Aw, come on, guys. We've only got a few minutes. Uh-oh. - Everybody okay? - Uh, yeah.

I'm gonna resign. I don't know why they made me union president in the first place. Because they love you down at the plant. Yeah, you're right. Guys are always patting my bald head for luck, pinchin' my belly to hear my girlish laugh. Hmm. That doesn't sound like they like you at all.

Ooh-hoo-whoa! Hmm, that looks entertaining. Oh, yeah! So tell your folks, "Buy me Bonestorm... or go to hell!"

Chicks on the bench.

Think, Connie. Think. Connie. Wha-- Connie. That tree! It seems to be calling to me. Of course! Apples!

The oil is burning my finger. Oh, sure. Homer, do you know why I married you? I knocked you up. No, because I love you.

How ya doin', Germany? Here's my impression of an East German woman. "Kees" me, or I'll crush you. He says what we're all thinking. I'm not thinking that. Hey, Swiss miss. There's no missin' you, babe.

It seems President Kennedy's father was-- Whoo! Mini cannoli. Hey, I called that. I saw it first. Come back here. Hmm, milking room. I hope you cows are decent.

I love you. Will you marry me, Marge? You mean, I'm gonna be a daddy? I hope we'll always be together, together, together-- Together? Ooh.

Hamlet, what'd I tell you about running with swords? Someone's behind the curtain. It could be Claudius. Only one way to find out. Ow! - Ow! - Polonius? What are you doing behind the curtain? I hide behind curtains 'cause I have a fear of getting stabbed.

More. Mmm! I don't understand it. James Coco went mad in 15 minutes.

It's too late. Well, old friend, we always knew this day would come. Say good-bye to your brother.

That's all right, Krusty. We're getting 50% of the T-shirt sales. What? That's the sweetest plum! You little-- Aw, what the hell. You deserve it. Thanks, kids.

Hey, way to go, Homer. Way to go ! What will I tell the boss ? Tell him I'm going to the backseat of my car with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes.

I have nothing more to say to you, Marge. I'm drawing a line down the center of the house À la I love Lucy. You stay on your side, and I'll stay on my side. D'oh!

This job sure is easy. Now to press this button. Not again! Angry Dad, you're fired.

just hang tight, kids. I'll swim for help. What the-- Zeppelin rules!

and you'll have to live with your grandmother and pick beans. Dad, I like picking beans with Grandma. Well, keep it up then. Okay, I will. Good. You do that. Fine. You'll be picking many a bean. Hope I do.

He discovered electricity and used it to torture small animals and green mountain men. And that key he tied to the end of a kite? It opened the gates of hell! Well, let me know when you get back to horror. Will do.

And then I lied to you all. So did Bart. Okay, players, that's a wrap!

Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Whee! Okay. We have our choice of Rectangle Land, Cube Country or Squaresville. Squaresville sounds pretty cool.

Why, Homer, your surgical incision is completely healed. I owe it all to my rewarding work with children. And not picking at it. Ah, yes, how is your day care center doing? Wonderful! Being with those kids gives me a high only morphine can top.

Listen here. I want to join your team. You wanna join my what? You wanna what his team? I've had one of my unpredictable changes of heart. Seeing these fine young athletes reveling in the humiliation of a vanquished foe-- I haven't felt this energized since my last... boweling. Oh, man. He'll blow our winning streak.

That is incorrect. The correct answer is you. Mom, can Lisa and I play outside away from the bear? Okay. But when you start getting apple-cheeked, it's time to come in. Huh?

Ah, my plan has come to fruition. Soon I'll be queen of summertime. Oh. King. King!

Dancin'? Dancin'. But I don't know how to dance. Oh, I'll show you how.

Why, you little..!

I'm Artie Ziff, Marge's date for the prom.

I'll send Laura over to babysit as soon as she gets home. Great. Oh, uh, and there was something else. Something I was supposed to tiptoe around-- My divorce. That's it! Whoo-hoo! I'm glad one of us remembered. That could have been embarrassing.

Uh, ladies and gentlemen, uh, distinguished colleagues, after extensive biological and anatomical testing, I regret to announce that the evidence we have is... inconclusive. This thing may or may not be human. That's what he thinks.

You wouldnt dare. Oh, wouldnt I? I could easily put them back in their original order. Oh, really? No!

Bases loaded, two out. The good guys trail by a run. S... P... R... I... N... G... F... E... E... L... D !

to come up with a new Furby or Tickle Me Elmo?

Not according to any movie I've ever seen. I'm afraid you're stuck with your genes, Lisa. Hi, frozen body.

What does incompetent mean ?

Sir, I studied under Ed McMahon.

Your plant has been taken over by an all-star team of freelance terrorists. Not on my shift! Yip!

I can think of at least two things wrong with that title.

(JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING) So, when do they start singing? Well, the Playdude Advisor says this music will get a stewardess to give you a layover. I hope it's in Omaha. My grammy lives there. MARGE: Bart, can you come in here for a second?

I don't know. Great plan, Bart !

What a day for a stroll. Come on! What are you doing? Seymour, the two of us could make good use of this time. Indeed. You take this teacher evaluation test. I'll proctor. "Read the directions silently as I read them aloud to you." Look at those suckers in their metal coffins.

The best movie won, and Mr. Burns found... there are some awards that can't be bought. And the Oscar goes to... I've got to win this one. I bribed everyone in Hollywood! George C. Scott in Man Getting Hit by Football.

Watch this, guys. Ooh! - Uh-oh. He's done for. - Don't worry. The safety glass'll protect us. Run! We'll hide at my house!

Now, that's not true. You're cute as a bug's ear. Fathers have to say that stuff. Dad, am I cute as a bug's ear? - No! You're homely as a mule's butt! - There. See?

We welcome you to the neighborhood

Ho ho ho. Ho ho ho. Ho ho ho. Ho ho ho.

"Number two: horny. Number three: family jewels." - Hi, Grandpa ! - Bart, what brings you here ?

Of course, because you wouldnt want to- I paid for your splendor, you-

Mr. Starr, tea and crumpets. just set it over there. Sir, if you'll forgive an old Brit his impertinence, your devotion to your fans is nothing short of remarkable. Well, Wetherby, they took the time to write me, and I don't care if it takes me another 20 years-- I'm going to answer every one of them.

But, basically, Krabappel said you'd give the teachers everything they want. She did? Yeah. She said you'd fold faster than Superman on laundry day. We'll see about that.

I got a plan that can't fail. Yiddle, my man, you're a genius. I love my work. Oh, the best charity is to give and not let other people know. But what if your example encourages others to give?

Yes. The madness ends here. Oh! If I had a nickel for every time I've heard that. I'm very mad at 'ou.

Hello, Bart. Mom! Dad! Your family can't help you now. Oh, no, Dad's been drugged. No, he hasn't.

"What are you looking at?" The innocent words of a drunken child. Well, I'll tell you what we're looking at, young man. A town gone mad! A town whose very conscience was washed away in a tide of beer and green vomit. I'm going down to Moe's for a couple beers. I'll come with you.

Is it true that we have to bring our own water? We got a little rule back home-- If it's brown, drink it down. If it's black, send it back.

These Krusty Brand balloons are three bucks each. But get a cheap one, and what happens? It goes off, takes out the eyeballs of every kid in the room.

Forget it, Lisa. I'm not teaching you anything until I get my money back. Now turn your desk around and stop learning. All the way. Hi, liar.

You just lost a customer! We'll talk tomorrow. You just lost yourself a customer!

I was hoping it would be money. Hmm, dear. We're in serious trouble here. We're just going to have to cut down on luxuries. Well, we're always buying Maggie vaccinations for diseases she doesn't even have. We could cut down on beer.

Hey. I need to see your claim checks for that luggage. Oh, of course. I have it right here. I'll need to see yours too. - You got it! - I'll take your word for it. You're just doing your job. Do you have anything by Robert Ludlum?

Bart! Son of a-- Oh, my God!

Okay, we'll call it even if I can just have some of that big sandwich. Oh. I'll come back.

The chair recognizes the esteemed representative from Capital City. The Capital City Goofball? That's right. To win, he spent 80 million from his own pocket. Mr. Speaker, the time has come to redesign our state flag. This Confederate symbol is an embarrassment... particularly as we are a northern state.

and the name of the dance is the peppermint twist yeah lollipop, lollipop oh, lolly-lollipop lollipop ow!

Okay, you're fightin' a guy named Boxcar Bob. Brawled his way up from the boxcars, did he? Uh, no, not yet. He still lives at the train yard. But he's a hungry young fighter. In fact, he's actually fightin' for a sandwich. Homer, I want you to have my lucky mitts. I hope you do better with 'em than I did.

Please do the Hindu that you do so well. Avert your eyes, eunuch. What's a eunuch? "Unique," "unite"-- Mmm, Homie, what's wrong?

After evaluating millions of pieces of data in the blink of an eye the Gamble-Tron 2000 says the winner is... Cincinnati by 200 points?! Why, you worthless hunk of junk!

More. I was writing a story for Harper's Magazine. Harper's Magazine! I have a picture of Lewis Lapham on my binder. (GROWLS) Oh, but I've been yapping about myself all night. Marge, what's exciting in your life lately?

Ow! I don't understand why we have to build a ray gun to aim at a planet I never even heard of. Don't blame me. I voted for Kodos. D'oh!

Oh, Homer. Remember, whatever happens, you have a mother, and she's truly proud of you. Oh! Hurry up, man! This electric van only has 20 minutes of juice left!

Well, well, well, looks like someone's having a pre-Rapture party. No, Flanders. It's a meeting of gay witches for abortion. You wouldn't be interested. Mmm-mmm. (INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS) All right, everybody. Pair up with a Rapture buddy who will watch your back through all eternity.

Happy birthday.

Hey. What's goin' on on this side? Hey, Brandine. You might could wear these to your job interview. And scuff up the topless dancin' runway? - Nah. You best bring 'em back where from you got 'em. - Okay. Back you go... to waits for a woman of less discriminatin' tastes.

Oh, yeah. Cool. Uh-oh. Eek!

A smashed hotrod, a wrecked police cruiser, a destroyed house! I've had it with your renegade ways, Simpson. You're a loose cannon. But I-- And what really fries me is you returned his check! I'm sorry, Mr. Hutz, but I just can't lie to people.

You want your mike back, local anchor? This just in. I'm pissed off. Hi, fellas.

just so there's no hard feelings, here's double your pay. - No, no, triple. - Thank you.

to kick this doghouse down!

I'll send Laura over to babysit as soon as she gets home. Great. Oh, uh, and there was something else. Something I was supposed to tiptoe around-- My divorce. That's it! Whoo-hoo!

Quite. Hmm. Ahhh ! Ahhh !

Where's Maggie? Where's Maggie? Hey, where is she? There you are. Hi, Maggie. I'm Homie-womie, the Teletubbie. And I'm all man, in case you heard otherwise.

Good evening. I've been asked to tell you... that the following show is very scary, with stuff that might give your kids nightmares. You see, there are some crybabies out there--

Folks are finally accepting their feelings and communicating with no holding back. And this reporter thinks it's about-- time. Of course, all these good vibes can be traced to one feisty little scamp... who taught us that if it feels good, do it.

It's nice and cool in here, don't you think? Welcome to the Electric Car of the Future, sponsored by the Gasoline Producers of America.

who, if the winner doesn't fulfill her duties-- And don't say it'll never happen, because we all remember that thing with what's-her-name. Click, click. You know.

Bart, you're grounded for a year! I'll just pay the fine. Okay. Three bucks. Why don't you publish your poem? Publish it myself?

Oh, poor Mark Hamill. That swarm of nerds is gonna kill him. Nerds! Get out of there! - Mr. Hamill. Mr. Mayor. Come on. - Who are you? Homer Simpson, nerd-buster, and I'm gettin' you out of here.

A poem by Hans Moleman. I think that I shall never see. My cataracts are blinding me. And they thought I stunk.

The important thing is, we're like a family. Krusty, I-- Shut your hole!

Come back here! I'm not through demeaning you!

I saved your cat. Ow! That hurt.

Beer, beer, beer, beer, beer, beer, beer, beer! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Yeah.

- There's gotta be a way to escape! - Psst! I've worked on this for 33 years. It's made out of toilet paper rolls, toothpicks and plastic forks, and the sail is made of scabs and dynamite. It's small and it's smelly, but it should carry both of us to--

Well, look at the wonders of the computer age now. Wonders, Lisa? Or blunders? I think that was implied by what I said. Implied, Lisa? Or implode?

Thanks for driving us back to town. No problem. We were going there anyway... to pick up the new Spy magazine. I'm sorry. They dont publish that anymore. The world I "grewed" up in is gone. Oh, my special little guys! You’re okay! You’re okay!

Now, the cat needs his medication every morning-- No problem. Can do. - and the furnace has been giving off-- - Right. Gotcha. a lot of carbon monoxide, so keep the window open. Cat in the furnace. Uh, you know, I think I'll take Maggie with us.

- Homer, did you eat that doughnut? - No. Your wide behind won't save you this time. Hey, Bart. Hey. Wait!

The Spaghetti Laboratory! Face-Stuffers! Professor V.J. Cornucopia's Fantastic Foodmagorium and Great American Steakery. Well, what about this place?

Frank and Jesse James- the Sundance Kid- What happened to Butch Cassidy? "What happened to Butch Cassidy?' We're not joined at the hip, you know.

Give it to me. El yoyÓ es grande. ¡Ay, chihuahua! As you can see, Simpson, I have taken over all 78 channels, and you won't see any of your favorite shows again until you give in! Whoa! That bites.

We're gonna visit the place where JCPenney sends their damaged merchandise. No, thanks. I'm gonna keep on ridin' the rails... swappin' stories for sponge baths.

Of course, one thing mother blue jay can't defend against... is a set of steel tongs.

Till then, you're going to spend the day in hell! That wasn't so bad. Huh? Ow! Ow! Ow!

"Bart is a vampire." "Beer kills brain cells." Now, let's go back to that... building thingy... where our beds and TV... is.

Well, here we are.

Ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay! My friend, your jacket, she burns. Then I burn with her. For I would rather die than have people not know what stores I have been to.

Homer here's a check for $2,000. I also wanted to give you each something for believing in me. Lisa, this is the first volume of "the Great Books of Western Civilization." You'll receive a new one every month from Beowolf to Less Than Zero.

And I've got to share that gift with the world. Ow! Get her out of here. Why you throwing tomatoes at yourself, huh?

President Bush is driving on our lawn. - He must be lost. - He's not lost. Looks like we're experiencing some blowback from the wig offensive. - It's time to hit him where he lives. - His house? Bingo.

Hey, that's just enough time to see Santy Claus. Oh! Why, Santa? Why? Oh, no. Here come the gulls! Nice birdie. Nice birdie. No! Not so nice! Ow!

Fine! I'm dead. Dad, get up. No, I'm dead! - Grampa, come on. - Dead! Dead! Dead! Dead! Dead! Dead!

Is this cel worth anything? Let me show you something. This-- This is a Snagglepuss drawn by Hic Heisler. It is worth something. This-- This is an arm drawn by nobody. It is worth nothing. Can't you give me anything for it? I can give you this telephone. It is shaped like Mary Worth.

So, Professor, would you say it's time for everyone to panic? Yes, I would, Kent. Ladies and gentlemen. Ladies and gentlemen, please.

Oh, how I loathe that box, that omnidirectional sludge pump droning and burping-- Look here! That's enough now! I own 60% of that network! All right, break it up, boys. It's time for work detail. I suppose you don't like tabloid newspapers either.

Sexyslumberparty.com? It's flashing. We better click it. (BOTH GIGGLING) Katja, do you think anyone's watching? If they are, they will see us explore our sexhood without restraint.

Bart, children, this whole sordid affair has been a shock to all of us. But we must get on with our lives. Let's try to remember Krusty, not as a hardened criminal, but as that lovable jester who honked his horn and puttered around in his little car. And shot you out of a cannon. And shot me out of a cannon. Yes, we will never forget that, will we ?

Lisa, we're not supposed to see each other before the wedding. It's tradition. What about my family's tradition? Surely you don't want me to wear those... in front of my parents and their friends? But you promised my dad you would. I was just humoring him, darling. Actually, he frightens me a bit.

Furious D takes the early Lead. Ow! Ooh! Oh! What a shameful display by these tiny hotheads. Let's try to remember the good little people, like james Madison or Oscar winner Linda Hunt.

Aw, they're not so tough. Chief, that wasn't a monster. That was the captain of the high school basketball team. Uh, yeah, well, he was turning into a monster though.

Mom! Lise! Check it out. Dad's on TV. Oh, yeah!

many of them, incompetent boobs.

Not on my watch he's not! Oh, no! I know it looks like the path to freedom. But one collapse, and presto-- you've got a snow casket. I was gonna put buttresses in. Gonna, wanna, shoulda. Willie, destroy it. He did do a bonny job, sir.

Dad, Mom's spending more time at Moe's than you are. And they seem awfully chummy. Just what are you inferring? I'm not inferring anything. You infer. I imply.

For all the latest medical poop Call Surgeon General C. Everett Koop Koop-Koop-a-doop This is worse than your song about Mr. T.

But first, let's check the death count... from the killer storm bearing down on us like a shotgun full of snow. Well, Kent, as of now, the death count is zero, but it is ready to shoot right up. Oh, my God! Damn you, snow!

Aw, I'm gonna give your liver such a punchin'! People, please! We're all frightened and horny. But we can't let some killer dolphins keep us from living and scoring!

Hey, kids. Batman. Dad, that's not the real Batman. Of course I'm Batman.

Yeah! I'm not racing! It's me, Marge Simpson. No. You eat my dust! Hoo-hoo!

(SIGHS) Her fiancee.

We leave you the kids for three hours, and the county takes 'em away? Oh, bitch, bitch, bitch! I can't believe I put my own pleasure ahead of my home and family.

As wacky as those kids were, they were no match for Captain Wacky, later renamed "Homer."

Great. Oh, uh, and there was something else. Something I was supposed to tiptoe around-- My divorce. That's it! Whoo-hoo! I'm glad one of us remembered. That could have been embarrassing. Well, I know what you're thinking, and the answer is yes. I want to be fixed up with one of your friends as soon as you can arrange it. After all, Homer, I do have the normal appetites.

I figured if one six-pack holder will catch one fish, a million sewn together will catch a million fish. Watch. What's going on? I call it the Burns Omni-Net. It sweeps the sea clean.

How could you, Krusty? I'd never lend my name to an inferior product. Oh! They drove a dump truck full of money up to my house. I'm not made of stone! Krusty, this camp was a nightmare. They fed us gruel. They forced us to make wallets for export.

Donald Trump? No. Arnold Palmer? No. Bill Cosby? No. D'oh!

Look at that. All the way to the end with only one push. That's the third game in a row he cost us, Homer. Mamma mia! Hoot, mon! Yee-haw! Argh, me mateys. Argh. Whoo! They begged me to join their team-- begged me.

Huh? Yea. Hey. That seltzer ain't free.

Oh, no can do, Homer. I'm watching the game. Shave up not down, you idiot. Ooh, sounds delish. Let me just toss some jeans on and-- Wait a minute. Who is this? Well, howdilly dodilly-do. Hello? Hello? Hellodilly-odilly?

Well, I'd rather reserve judgment until I-- Oh, my God! I'll mace you good! That is completely taken out of context!

Dirt. Well, there wasn't really much dirt. There was a bunch of old paint cans in their garage though. Ol' Painty-can Ned! I always knew he'd keep his old cans of paint! Yeah! How do you like that?

Smithers, why haven't i heard of this "the Leader"? He's as rich and wicked as I, but he seems to enjoy tax-exempt status. Actually, sir, with our creative bookkeeping... and corporate loopholes, we only pay three dollars a year. You're right. We're getting screwed. There must be something I can do about this.

Aah..! Oh, fudge... That's broken. Fiddle-dee-dee. That will require a tetanus shot. I'm not going to swear but I am going to kick this doghouse down! Dad, this is not a commentary on your skills

Hallelujah hallelujah hallelujah hallelujah hallelujah Wake up, Bart. Rise and shine, little guy.

They'll love you just as much as I do. Thanks, Dad. Mmm.

That's good aim, Dad. Well, it was my major. Welcome to the noble family of skilled Krustaceans. You will now go back to your hometowns... and do kids' parties, swap meets... and all the other piddly crap I wouldn't touch with a 10-foot clown pole. Now, come and get your cat-skins--

Bart, eat your spinach. - No way. - Yes way! Stop it, please. I'm trying to eat. And all those feet going by the window are really creeping me out.

He's a good boy now, and he's getting better, and sometimes even the best sheep stray from the flock... and need to be hugged extra hard. That's exactly the kind of crapola that's lousing him up. Hey, look at this. "I am a Wiener." He sure is.

Hey, kids. It's-- Hey. Why is it destroying other toys? They must have programmed it to eliminate the competition. You mean like Microsoft? Exactly. Come on, Bart. We've gotta warn everyone.

God has no place within these walls, just like facts have no place within organized religion! Simpson, you get your wish. Flanders is history. Well, I really enjoyed my time here, Superintendent. May the Lord bless and keep you.

Lisa, if you could have one wish, what would it be? To shut myself off from the world and never be seen by human eyes again. Was your second wish to be entered in the Little Miss Springfield Pageant? What are you talking about? I sent in an application for you. I couldn't find a big enough photo, so I sent in... that funny drawing of you on roller skates.

Now that I think about it, I'm not sure he's even a doctor. Doh ! And Mrs. Simpson, could you describe for us, in your own words, Bart's "intense mental anguish and suffering" ? Well, I don't know how intense it was. Uh-huh. But-- Well, I guess he did miss three days of school.

Checks out. Okay, sir, you're free to go. Good, 'cause I got a hot date tonight. A date. Dinner with friends. Dinner alone. Watching TV alone. All right! I'm gonna sit at home and ogle the ladies... in the Victoria Secret Catalog. Sears Catalog. Now would you unhook this already, please?

You can never be my-- Eeeeeeee! Sir, try to land on Leonard's carcass!

Does this whole plant have some disease, where it can't see that he's an idiot? Look here. Accidents have doubled every year since he became safety inspector. And meltdowns have tripled. Has he been fired? No. Has he been disciplined? No, no. Aw, everybody makes mistakes.

Joe's Crematorium-- You kill 'em, we grill 'em. Hello. Who is this? Bart Simpson. Who are you? I'm Michael jackson. The Michael jackson? No way. I'm with your father in a mental institution. Is Elvis with you? He could be. It's a big hospital.

Eh, too many kids. Ooh. It's goin' on 8:30. I better call Maude and tell her where I am. Relax. I called her from the gas station. - Thanks, buddy. - Sucker.

The dream police they live inSide of my bed the dream police they come to me in my head the dream police they're going to arrest me now oh, no Oh! Howdy, neighbor! May I spray you with the hose in a playful fashion?

"'My proposal' by Bart Simpson. "I want to pretend... - "I am a regular dumb kid. - Period. By this, I hope--"

Hey, i'll give you somethin' to cry about, you loser. You can't catch a football? Let's see if you can catch a rock.

And another thing: when people come up to me and say, "Hey, little buddy." And hit me over the head with a hat? That's not funny. That hurts! Stop laughing at me!

Now let's play ball! Ooh, and Lenny is taking off! That's a foul. I am taking the ball and going home. Hey! Hey, that's not your ball! The chase begins.

Imagine me and you, I do

I love this show. Well, well. Look who's come to apologize.

Are we gonna let politics get in the way of our friendship? Friendship? You told people I lured children into my gingerbread house. Yeah. That was just a lie. Simpson, the American people... have never tolerated incompetence in their public officials.

That horse better win, or we're taking a trip to the glue factory. And he won't get to come. Yeah, that's a great tour. - But you can't see it all in one day. - Hey, be quiet. And away they go! Go, Duncan! Go, number five! Let's go, number five!

Here you go! 42-inch plasma TV as a thank you from your... Your mother. Oh, that "my mother." Tell him thanks. Okay, Tattoo Man. It's a month in the hole for you. Solitary confinement? But without my weekly canasta, I'll die.

Maybe I will, Milhouse. Maybe I will.

Oooh, I've wasted my life.

Big shoes to fill-- In ancient Greece, there was a school of thought called stoicism. Wait a minute ! You did it ! Excuse me ? Attention, fellow children ! Krusty didn't rob that store ! Sideshow Bob framed him, and I got proof ! Ow ! My foot ! You lousy, stupid, clumsy--

You're watching PBS. You're watching PBS?

But you haven't won anything in months. I'll just make more money. Crank out some cheesy merchandise. But you've already merchandised everything-- Krusty's Monopoly game, the Krusty croWd-control barrier. Nothing is selling anymore, not even your new Lady Krusty line. But our infomercials are running 24 hours a day!

Bart, instead of fighting, why don't you try a little understanding ? What do you mean, Mom ? Yeah, right. - This oughta be good for a laugh. - Shh !

(LIGHT APPLAUSE) (GRUNTING) Now, to do something I've never done before. Help out an old man.

Wow, what an ending. Who would have thought Darth Vader was Luke Skywalker's father? Well, thank you, Mr. Blow-The-Picture-For-Me. Marge, you're as pretty as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda. Oh, Homer. MmM. mmM.

Oh, you gotta stop this thing! Please! I'm gettin' egged on the street! Do somethin'! Do somethin'!

I'm a hero! Tell them they'll live to regret this. You'll live to regret this! Oh, thanks a lot. Now I look crazy.

Oh. Aw. Faster, Willie, faster. Now, we give 'em the bikes, no one sues. What if they're dead, sir? Then we ride these bikes to Mexico and freedom, Willie! Freedom! Freedom. I'll turn you in at the first tollbooth.

Ninety-seven, 98, 99, 100! (CHEERING)

I'd better take off my sweater. "Down with"-- "homework"? Don't look at it, children. His shirt makes a good point. I'm with the shirt! Homework rots! Down with homework! Down with homework!

We have searched every square inch of this base, and all we have found is porno, porno, porno! We have only 20 minutes left. Send in the esteemed representatives of television. Hey, hey! Now, this is my kind of meeting!

Greetings, friend. Do you wish to look as happy as me? Well, you've got the power inside you right now. So use it, and send one dollar to Happy Dude! 742 Evergreen Terrace, Springfield. Don't delay. Eternal happiness is just a dollar away.

Thanks, Marge. When my husband left, he took all our power tools, along with the car, my youth, my faith in mankind. Well, see ya. Mmm. Hey, wait!

Oh, geez! That's just awful! Mmm! Now, what do you have to wash that awful taste out of my mouth? Mountain Dew or crab juice. Oh, geez! I'll take a crab juice.

Marge, stop this crazy thing!

What do I think of the pie? What do I think of the pie? Goodness gracious It's delicious That's what I think of the pie Because-- Should we follow him? I'm on vacation.

Hey, und, dummkopf! Watch out for the CD changer in my trunk, huh? Idiot. I guess he deserves it more than I do. Well, at least I got to show you I wasn't always a pathetic old kook.

That was eight years ago. Is it Pittsburgh?

You've just won the employee raffle. Whoo-hoo!

Science-- What's science ever done for us? TV off. Science is like a blabbermouth... who ruins the movie by telling you how it ends. Well, I say there are some things we don't wanna know-- important things. Yeah, he's right! Enough talk. It's smashin' time!

just a minute! Hello? Your son was trespassing on my property... and destroyed a very valuable stone gargoyle and-- Are you wearing a grocery bag? I have misplaced my pants.

Do you want to ignite my drink? You're kid's teacher. Single parent, are we? No. Let's pretend you are. Get away from me.

How ya doin', Apu ? Mmm, chocolate. Ooh, double chocolate. New flavor-- triple chocolate ! Perhaps a little something for the trip back to the cash register.

The goalie of my dreams! Let's try a hard one to make sure it wasn't a fluke. Hey, way to knock out my teeth! Yeah, that's it, Milhouse. Keep up the chatter.

His likeness graces a stamp in Tanzania.

Superintendent, I hope you're ready for mouthwatering hamburgers. I thought we were having steamed clams. D'oh, no. I said steamed hams. That's what I call hamburgers.

Come on, Maggie. Maybe if you just squeeze a little. That's it. That's it. I-- D'oh!

What I'm saying, sir, is that a man of your carriage... couldn't possibly fit in our seats. I could sit in the aisle. I'm afraid that would violate the fire code. Hey, fatty! I got a movie for ya. A Fridge Too Far.

Sir, if I could just break in for a moment. Yes, Roy. Do you have a question for Sandy Koufax?

Well, I bet they miss me. (PLAYING UPBEAT MUSIC)

Of course! Bowling! Bowling here! Come bowl now! Get your bowling! Who's ready? Bowling!

It's only 20 pages long, and this guy wrote it for me. What's your name again? John Updike. Whoa, whoa. I didn't ask for your life story.

MILHOUSE: Hello? Hello? I had to leave because my French bread pizza dinged. Hello? Duck, duck, duck, duck.

Captain's log. Stardate 6051. Had trouble sleeping last night. My hiatal hernia is acting up. The ship is drafty and damp. I complain, but nobody listens. Star Trek XII: So Very Tired.

Who's this? The Debbie Pinson, who was the homecoming queen in high school? Yes, I'm still available. No, he's not! Marge, that was Debbie Pinson! Debbie Pinson!

I am a robot. Do what I say. I am a washing machine. Do what I say.

Hell, if it was up to me, I'd let you go. But the lads have a temper, and they've been drinkin' all day! Ow! Ow! Ow! Stop pummeling me! It's really painful! All right, fine. I'll strangle ya for a while!

No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. Yes. Er, um, I mean, no. No.

Hey, Homer, I'm worried about the beer supply. After this case, and the other case, there's only one case left. Yeah, yeah! Barney's right! Yeah, let's get some more beer. Yeah, hey, what about some beer? Yeah, Barney's right. All right, guys, pipe down. I got some more in the garage.

Homer, I'm really touched you invited me out on the town. You're gonna be a four-star brother-in-law.

Homer, can you say the alphabet backwards? Oh, you’d like that, wouldnt you, you- Hey, I'm worried.

Let the judgment begin. I'll get the ball rolling. You're a fat idiot. Yeah! Lose some weight!

don't bother coming in Monday. Whoo-hoo! Four-day weekend! Hey! I am above average. So what if Alison's ahead of me. There's no shame in being second. And now, Avis Rent-a-Car...

I'll just push the button for the stimulator--

Do you accept or are you a coward? I... am a coward!

- Hey, how about a song? - Okay. Yeah. There waS A farmer had A dog and bingo was his name-o b-i-n-g-o B-i-n-g-o

Dad, remember when Tom had you in that headlock... and you screamed, "I'm a hemophiliac," and when he let you go you kicked him in the back? Yeah? Will you teach me how to do that? Sure, boy. First, you gotta shriek like a woman. And keep sobbing till he turns away in disgust.

Uh-uh. You gotta be 40 inches tall for the adult section. Please? Okay. But get on your tippie toes. Everybody's hugging! Hey, Bart. I finished organizing the stockroom.

Aw! Look how happy she is. Her eyes aren't focused.

Arrest that guy. And that's the end of that chapter.

And yet, I can't help thinking about poor Krusty.

Obnoxious fad? Ah, don't worry, Son. You know, they said the same thing about Urkel. That little snot boy. I'd like to smack that kid!

Is that you, Apu? Whoa! Time has ravaged your once-youthful looks. Ah, well, Sanjay. That is the end of our freak show.

Snowball fight!

to a nuclear convention in Capital City together. TV's there, bathroom's there, and there's your king-size bed for--

What did you do to my car? Dude, you've been chop shopped! Why would you do that? How am I gonna get home? Chop shop! Chop shop! (ZAPPING) Huh?

A rabbi composes, he creates thoughts he tells stories that may never have happened but he does not exaggerate. My father would have never suspected a thing were it not for one, rowdy rabbi. Hey, funny man! No, no, no!

Sometimes I wish this dam would burst... and bury this cursed town.

it's not unusual to have fun with anyone Mwah! Ooh! Get help, luv. Call Interpol, get me a hacksaw, anything. It's not unusual it happens every day no matter what you say

sponsored by the Gasoline Producers of America. Hello. I'm an electric car. I can't go very fast or very far. And if you drive me, people will think you're gay.

Oh, really now, that's too much. It's Sideshow Bob! You wrote me those letters. You awful man! Stay away from my son. Oh, I'll stay away from your son, all right. Stay away... forever. Oh, no! Wait a minute. That's no good.

Oh! Dirty diapers on strings! Ow! Ohh! Ohh! Ow! Ooh! Time to put this ordeal behind me.

Maybe you should take a rest. Not while one of my fans needs me. Actually, I don't know if I've ever heard Bart play your albums. Shh! Marge, he's a good digger. Uhh! Sting! Mom! Dad!

He came over to say hi.

(GULPING) Hey, look. A dragon. Hello, Homer. Give me your peanuts, and you can fly on my back. I'll give you... One! Oh, you are a very greedy man. The other dragons shall hear of this. HOMER: Hey, dragon, you fly like a girl!

Now throughout history, when people get wood, they'll think of Trojans.

And I'm sure a pro wrestler such as yourself will appreciate all the closet space, Hitman. Ew. This place has got old man stink.

Why stop there, Homer? My militia has a secret plan... to beat up all sorts of government officials. That'll teach 'em to drag their feet on high definition TV! - You're under arrest for conspiracy! - Oh! Oh!

I guess guys like us just can't get a break. Well, at least I can't sink any lower. Come back, diaper. Come back. Hi, Ma. And now, to read from the Epistles of Saint Paul, Homer Simpson.

Congratulations, Barney. And enjoy your grand prize-- a lifetime supply of Duff beer! just hook it to my veins!

Greetings, chums! Were your days at work as profitable as mine? I just had a sinful shopping spree at Wee World. We're having the best spring break of our lives, and we don't need you around nerding it up. That job is taken. But surely I and my $600...

I told you to trim those sideburns. Go home! You're off the team! For good! Fine. I still like him better than Steinbrenner.

Now, boys and girls let's welcome our very special guest Ted Carpenter from the Twirl King Yo-Yo Company.

Hey, Krusty. I'm bringing back the-- You just keep right on driving. There we go.

Well, since you're all such a big bunch of big ration babies, I'll just be in charge of the rationing. Look here, boy. The secret is to take tiny bites, like so. Mmm! Mmm! Mmm!

- So, what if it did? - So, it is very thoughtless. I should cut you like I cut sodium out of my diet. You don't scare me with your dignity and your subtle cologne. Then perhaps you should be taught a lesson by us... Los Souvenir Chaquitos.

Tonight we'll see Angela Lansbury walk on hot coals. Excitement, she wrote. How could someone abuse their body that way?

Can we have a can of frosting for lunch? Okay. "You will not see me again until I am a man." Oh, Homer... Homer! We're all in shock.

The itChy and scraTchy show "Hundreds would die, but not the thing they died for. A man can stand up." Wow! Mm-hmm. If you'd like to learn more about colonial times,

I know. I know. My mind says, "Stop," but my heart... and my hips cry, "Proceed."

Whee! Whee! No! No! Uh, no offense, Homer, but your half-assed under-parenting... was a lot more fun than your half-assed over-parenting. But I'm using my whole ass. Dad, it's just that too much of your love can really be... scary.

w' it tastes like liberty] w' Like a ribs w' With a bun of sesame w'w' f Male Announcer] We start with authentic letter-graded meat...

Oh, I always wanted to be a Teamster. So lazy and surly. Mind if I relax next to ya?

Oh, that's good. That's good, 'cause I want trouble. Then we're agreed. There'll be trouble. Oh, yeah! Lots of trouble. - Trouble it is! - For you.

Stop endangering yourself. Stop endangering yourself.

That, plus politics. You know, it's all politics. Lousy Democrats.

we're the highlights in your hairdo the extra arms on Vishnu so don't take the--

Well, I'm off to market. Marge, you're making a complete fool of yours-- Oh, it's just Barney. Precious alcohol, soaking in the shag!

After this dance, I'm heading to jail. One of my stray bullets hit a Texas Ranger. But I'll be back in six months. Yee-haw! Blanks. They just don't feel the same.

NO-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O!

Hey, get away from that! Leave him alone! It said I was gay! You all right, Grampa? Oh, daiSy, dais--

J l pat a spell on your J Because you 're mine J J Stop the things you do J

Homer, God didn't set your house on fire. No, but he was working in the hearts of your friends and neighbors... when they went to your aid, be they Christian, jew or... miscellaneous. Hindu. There are 700 million of us. Aw, that's super.

"Yvan eht nioj." They keep saying that. Wait. What was that? Uncle Sam? Let me play this backwards.

- Simpson! - S h h _

Hmm. Yes! Check it out, fat-wad. I'm better than you, and I'm only 10.

Well, friend, you're going back where you came from-- the curb in front of Flanders's house.

Get in the corner.

Oh, those baby ducks were so cute. I can't believe they let us walk right up and feed them. I need to go to the bathroom. We stopped five minutes ago. Someone knocked on the door, and I couldn't go. I'm telling you. A big, crazy prank is just what the doctor ordered. The dean will go nuts.

"Nobody, "of the hundreds of people that had visited the fair, "knew that a gray spider... "had played the most important part of all. No one was with her when she died."

I mean, I'm not an idiot! Hm. Well, i-i thought I told you. Kids, back me up. He's right, Mom. Sorry. Match point-- Homer. - I'm sorry, honey. - It's okay. We're none of us perfect. Me, Mae, Ma, moe, moo

You said it, Phil. It's the bimonthly Springfield sci-fi convention.

Is it my imagination, or is TV getting worse? Ah, it's about the same. Uh-oh! Look out, Smithers! I love this show. Well, well. Look who's come to apologize.

Ye-- You know, the-- One thing I should-- - Excuse me for one second. - Of course.

A coupon book? What am I gonna do with this piece of junk? Happy birthday, Dad. Wow!

He's cut. I cut you! Shh! You're cut too, shushy!

Vyachepov's loins oughta be outlawed.

Anyhoo, this is your last chance. Turn over the baby now.

They just use your mind and they never give you credit Hmm.

Look at the outrageous markup. You magnificent bastard. I salute you!

So why'd they send you to juvie? - Shoplift a scrunchie? - Get bent. I pushed Snow White over the parapet at Disneyland. BART: Oh, man. Did she live? Yeah. But it's not a good life.

Huh? Ow! Ow! Ow! So, you like doughnuts, eh? - Uh-huh. - Well, have all the doughnuts in the world!

Are you okay? I don't smell dinner.

Ooh, perfume! "Meryl Streep's Versatility."

- Whoa-a-a-aaah ! - A-a-a-aaah ! Wh-o-o-o-a ! Bitchin' !

Now then, I am looking for a suitable young male heir...

Come, family. Sit in the snow with Daddy, and let us all bask in television's warm, glowing, warming glow.

Well, I was married once in an online fantasy game. We were thinking of having children, but that would have severely drained my power crystals.

And away they go!

This was the biggest decision the Simpsons ever faced. I should've listened to the kids instead of my big, dumb wife. I shouldn't have called her that. Bite my tongue-- Oww !

Testing. Testing. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Hey.

and call your precious dog warden, you old battle axe, because my dog is tied up in the backyard. There's only one family on this block--

What are you laughing about? You started off as the bad cop. And now you're the good one. You and Willie got mixed-up about 10 minutes ago.

Care to join me in a belt of scotch? It's 9:30 in the morning. Yeah, but I haven't slept in days. Last chance. Oh, yeah. Mr. Burns, we've got witnesses, precedent and a paper trail a mile long.

Go ahead and laugh. But I took a chance and did something I wanted to do. And if that makes me a sissy, well, then, I guess I'm a sissy.

Homer, give me my pepper spray. Aw, Marge, one squirt and you're south of the border. Mmm. Incapacitating.

Someone finally bought a copy of your book, sir. Well, this calls for a celebration. Celebrate good times Come on I will. Hello, Americans. Paul Harvey here.

I can't see, you idiot! Take your hands off my eyes!

You don't have to answer that. Shut up, all of you, or I'll sue. Oh, save it for your next book, you little snitch. That's assault! That is assault!

I can't believe you guys. This man framed Krusty the Clown.

Uh, the shoes are part of the uniform. Right, Chief. Oh, they drugged the tea. They knew my one weakness.

Grand theft auto? It was an accident, ma'am. Don't spit on my cupcake and tell me it's frosting. What did she say about cupcakes?

Hey, what do you think he meant by that "fools" remark? Aw, who cares? Time to get me a mountain bike. Hey, what gives? Where are the mountain bikes? Sorry about the ruse, gentlemen.

Pedestrian. Uninspired. I didn't say stop.

Hello. What's this? Wire hangers. Expired medicine. Old newspapers! Okay, Homer, stay calm. just quietly get this stuff inside your house. Homer, you're not listening!

Hey. Homer, did you just call everyone "chicken"? No. I swear on this Bible. That's not a Bible. That's a book of carpet samples. Ooh, fuzzy.

Homer is a fat load AUDIENCE: Homer is a fat load This proves Bart lied about being kidnapped. Not yet. Can we verify exactly what time Bart was at the show? (TAPE REWINDING) If only we had the exact date.

D'oh! Oh, my God! It's burning up! Beer! Beer! Give me some beer! Homer! You promised you wouldn't drink. But I need it! Oh, lousy Wiggum. Now the whole town thinks I'm a chili wuss.

Can we please stop somewhere? My butt's asleep.

How come you never gave me any encouragement? Maybe I could've been something more than I am, like a travel agent to a great scientist... or the inventor of a hilarious refrigerator alarm. Who are you to complain? You lock me up in a home... and give me the same damn shower-safety seat every Christmas.

And she hit him in the head with a golf club. And? Don't you remember? He went golfing all the time, and it really bugged her. You said he went bowling. D'oh! Homer, I've coughed up scarier stuff than that. Grampa, why don't you tell us a story? You've led an interesting life.

Mrs. Simpson, you're in luck. Your sexual harassment suit is just the thing I need to rebuild my shattered practice. Care to join me in a belt of scotch? It's 9:30 in the morning. Yeah, but I haven't slept in days. Last chance.

That night came the honeymoon. Eww! She's faking it.

And may I say, a job well done, sir? Well, back to work then. Make sure to give those toilets a good scrubbing. - We want the old girls sparkling when I get back. - Aye, sir. Eh, you silk-wearing buttercup! All right! Three whole months of SpaghettiOs and daytime Tv!

Academy Award Playhouse now returns you to Hercules Versus the Martians. Welcome to our spaceship, mighty Hercules. Heh-heh.

No TV and No Beer Make Homer-- something something. Go Crazy? Don't mind if I do! Stay away from me, Homer!

Permission to speak frankly, sir ? Permission granted. Well, you are quite wealthy-- Thank you, Smithers. Your candor is most refreshing.

The monsteR mash and do my graveyard smaSh then you can mash Doin' "the monster mash" with ya... on this beautiful Valentine's Day. Marty, why did you play that song today? There must be thousands of love songs. Well, it's kind of a love song-- all the monsters enjoying each other's company--

Wow. What a high-tech wonderland. Oop, got an itch. Ew. Whoa! This place has everything, even a Shoplifting Department.

So, as soon as you get back, we steal the car, right? Ri-- No, no, wrong. Listen. While I'm on the boat with the perfect alibi, you steal my car and park it on the railroad tracks. Then when the 10:15 train comes along-- Wham! Insurance company pays off 5,000 clams.

never-before-seen material from your favorite episodes, old favorites you can't see in syndication. So join me, won't you, for "The Simpsons 138th Episode Spectacular!" The Simpsons

See, I told ya. There's nothin' to worry about. This place isn't--

D'oh! Eew! This is the worst place yet. Oh, my god! Look at the--

Do you understand? Mine! Don't look that way! I bet you don't know this one. How'd you like a Hertz donut? Hurts, don't it? Right. Do you know what a wet willie is? - Is it this? - Hey, baby!

Come on. Don't be stuck-up. It's going to be great. Well, why not? This party's just getting started! Stop the celebration! That small boy is drunk! Yea, Bart!

We may be the best parents in the world. Mm. Good night, dear. Good night.

Word. It just sounds like something I would say. Shh!

Hey, you guys want to go bowling tonight? Nah, we're busy. Yeah. We got, uh, things to do. Like what? It's a secret. Shut up.

Let's get out of here, Thelma. Okay, Louise.

Plump succulent sausage, honey-smoked bacon and glistening, sizzling-- I'm dying. I'm dying.

It's not. What you mailing, Homer? I've compiled a thorough safety report on this plant. How come you're not giving it to Mr. Burns? I've decided to disintermediate the local authorities... and send it straight to the Nuclear Regulatory Commission. Yeah. And just in time.

Comic Book Guy's secret stash. Look at all these bootleg videos. Alien Autopsy. Illegal Alien Autopsy. Godfather III: Good Version. He's got the tape of Kent Brockman picking his nose. Look! He's picking his nose!

Oh, I don't know. Too late! Oh, Lord, please give me the strength... to endure Homer Simpson's friendship. Hmm, your car. Boy, what are the odds, huh?

the god of worldly wisdom located in the employee lounge. Hey, Ganesha, want a peanut? Please do not offer my god a peanut. No offense, Apu, but when they were handing out religions, you must've been out taking a whiz. Mr. Simpson, please pay for your purchases and get out and come again. Pride goeth before destruction!

"The Moe Szyslak Connection," produced by David Byrne. Moe, Moe, Moe How do you like me How do you like me Moe, Moe, Moe Why don't you like me Nobody likes me Eh, we can spend another week at the ranch.

That's not my Uncle Lou. And this man's not dead. That's what I've been trying to tell you! That's just gas escaping. Would you mind watching the kids? I'm kinda in a pickle here.

Six feet by eight?

These fumes aren't as fun as beer. Sure, I'm all dizzy and nauseous, but where's the inflated sense of self-esteem? Oh! I-- Hey, if you guys are getting loaded off them fumes, I'm gonna have to charge you. Man alive, there are men alive in here.

Hello. Dad, what are you doin' here? Lookin' for my teeth. Gimme those! Better wash these off. Oh, the hell with it.

(LAUGHING IN FRENCH ACCENT)

No refunds. Force majeure. Read the back of your ticket. Oh! $900?

Lisa, look out behind you! Dad, I'm not gonna fall for that. No, Lisa, I swear to you! I'm 100% completely serious! You've gotta turn around right now before it's too late! - Huh? - Sucker!

Lisa? Yes? Help me into Ralph's costume. Showtime, children. Let's go. Okay, curtain puller. This is your moment to shine. Oh, it's too important. I'll do it for you.

He's still funny, but not ha-ha funny.

Got A new daNcE and it gOes like this and the name of the dance is the peppermint twist yeah

Bart, here's that cupcake you wanted. I can't help but think if I had just given it to you in the first place, this whole horrible tragedy could have been avoided. I know you can't eat it now, so I'll just place it lovingly on your forehead. Hey, look. They got food at this thing.

Clang, clang, clang went the trolley Ring, ring, ring went the bell - Zing, Zing, zing went my heart strings-- Thank you! Give the bully an extra point.

Could you stop thinking about your ass? I try, but I can't.

That's the plan.

Dad, that's the Old Spice song. It is? Well, that's a good song too. Run!

I'm very proud of you, Mr. Plow. This might sound silly, but just for a change, would you mind-- Cutting my nails? Brushing my teeth? No, no. Could you wear the Mr. Plow jacket?

Now, don't you feel better too? He's giving them a bath! There you are. There you go, little fella. And you. Smithers, look. He's standing up. I've never seen anything so adorable.

I can't get any closer. You'll have to jump! Piece of cake, son. Crap! Crap! Crap! Crap! Crap! Crap! Crap! Crap! Crap! Crap!

Oh, hello. I have purchased the Springfield YMCA. I plan to tear it down and turn the land into a nature preserve... where I will hunt the deadliest game of all-- Man! Now let's play ball!

Now that's your third helping, young man. It's making you fat and soft... and tender. Mmm. Uh, you just cut in line, didn't you? Report to detention, Uter. For how long? Oh, about seven minutes a pound should do it.

What happens when he walks into my store? Then we'll see who's worried about five-day waiting periods. Dad, it's 3:00 a.m.! Can't you mutter in your room? Marge kicked me out. All right. Go ahead. Pushy kids think they can tell me what to do in my house.

Do the hustle do the hustle Did you know that disco record sales... were up 400% for the year ending 1976? If these trends continue-- 'EY!

(BARKS) (FEEDBACK) (AUDIENCE SPEAKING SPANISH ON TV)

Bowling ball. More underpants. Hi, Mom. Hi, Mom.

Your father-- me-- beat city hall. It's just like David and Goliath, only this time David won. Oh. I know. I heard it too. Here's some musiC.

I'm okay, but the Puerto Rican guy's trying to steal your hubcaps. Just kiddin'. I'm a nice guy.

Dad, I had to listen to this jerk all morning. Can we listen to something else? When I'm driving the car, I get to choose the radio station. When you're driving, we'll listen to your radio station. I caN feel saint elmo's fire burnin' in me Oh, I can't take this anymore! Let's switch back.

Dear Lord, look at that blimp! He's hanging from a balloon!

And they don't have a Blue's Clue.

Don't look out the window!

What the..? D'oh!

Hey, Dolph, take a memo in your Newton. Beat up Martin. Bah! Yeow! All right, first academic alert: Wiggum, Ralph.

Ooh! Lisa, I found a big caramel deposit at the small of her back.

Say hello to our little genius, Martin, who looks even smarter... in this vest and short pant combination from Mr. Boy of Main Street.

Whew. Superintendent, I hope you're ready for mouthwatering hamburgers. I thought we were having steamed clams. D'oh, no. I said steamed hams. That's what I call hamburgers. You call hamburgers steamed hams?

Krusty, are you all right? Yes, it's just that saying the Brucha brings back a lot of painful memories. The old days... my... my father.

It's not fair. (SOBBING) I can't stand seeing one of my children like this. (MUFFLED SOBBING) Oh, I can still hear her! I better do something!

(WHIMPERING) (CHUCKLING) That hilarious footage was shot by local hunter, Grant Connor. Not with a gun, but with a camera!

Sorry for the clip show Have no fears We've got stories for years

Come to Duff Gardens... where roaming gangs aren't a big problem anymore. Now featuring the clean-shaven sounds... of Hooray For Everything.

After evaluating millions of pieces of data in the blink of an eye the Gamble-Tron 2000 says the winner is... Cincinnati by 200 points?! Why, you worthless hunk of junk!

Hi, Mom. Hi, Dad. Tough day at school, boy ? Bart, what happened to you ? Let's just say I paid the inevitable price for helping out my sister. So, you had a little scuffle, eh ? Heh-heh. Hope you won. I'm gonna miss you, big guy.

Observe. A bike lock. Now just turn around and count to three. One, two, three. Uh, better make it five. All right. I got me a bed. Shh! Quiet. You'll wake up old man Simpson.

Thanks to you, Lisa-- and our hemp-smoking friend. Shine on, you crazy diamond. Sounds like somebody's living in the past. Contemporize, man! Well, Lisa, as my adviser, you're entitled to 10%.

Not talking, eh, Willie? Just listen then. I think I figured out... what sets off that big ape Francine. Willie? Willie? Whoa!

Well, I'll just have to find another little girl to be president. What's your friend janey's number? No! Not janey! She'll pack the Supreme Court with boys! Oh, let me help you, George Washington. I still want to help you! I want to help you, George Washington? Even your dreams are square.

Mom! Make Dad tell the story right. That's what really happened. Oh. My marketing plan attracted a record number... of police and fire officials, but few stayed to bowl. I failed. Quitting my dream job was the hardest thing I've ever done.

Homie, aren't you coming inside? Marge, I have always carried myself... with a certain quiet dignity. Tonight, you robbed me of it. I'm going now and I don't know when you'll see me again.

Yeah, we lived here till the bank foreclosed in '63. Farm went bust after the cows started givin' sour milk. Somethin' must've spooked 'em good. Yah! Stupid cows! Yah!

Meet Maggie Simpson, IQ 167. One sixty-seven! That's amazing for a Christian. But my IQ is only 159. Maggie's more intelligent than me?

If you can't find metal stucco lath-- Uh-huh? use carbon-fiber stucco lath. Ohh! Now parge the lath. Did you see the bubble? Yeah, I'm afraid the whole west side of your house is sinking.

Someone is charging room service to the company, sir. Well, we'll just see about that. Fly, my pretties, fly! Continue the research.

Are you sure this is the casino? I think I should call my manager. Your manager says for you to shut up! Vera said that? Huh. Dad! Mom said she'd be home to help me with my costume.

Action. Kiss me, Diego. But your husband's animals are watching. Where do you think I learned to do this? Mmm. Whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. This movie’s turning into "SpongeBob NoPants.” Cut.

Oh, my God! I killed the mayor. All right, stay calm. I'll just use the body to stage an elaborate farce À la Weekend at Bernie's and-- Help. Help. His corpse is climbing the building. I'm alive, you idiot.

Homer, I'm so mad at you. I'll bet you blew up the town just to get out of cleaning the garage. (LAUGHING) Everything's coming up Homer.

We won! We won!

Let's see. Where is that map? Evergreen Terrace. There it is-- F-5.

the s.s. Microwave. Ah, my crÊpes are done. The Doggie Doorman. Good evening, Rex. And Mobilier-- the chandelier for your car.

first you get the sugar, then you get the power, then you get the women. Homer! Huh? Homer! What? What?

Very well. I'll drive.

And shame on your whole ill-mannered town! Hey, that guy's shaming us. My self-esteem sure didn't need that! (ALL GRUNTING) Ow! JIMBO: Loser! (BOYS GRUNTING) DOLPH: Yeah, get out, shamey.

Come on, big boy! Shake the butter off those buns! Shake, shake, shake shake, shake, shake

And the critics loved it too. I remember Vincent Canby said-- I'm gonna kill you, Homer. You are so dead. Now Chinatown was a classic. But you had problems with the sequel, The Two jakes? Oh, boy. Disappointed? I had the blues like Chasen's had chili.

When you're alone and life is gettin' you lonely Ye can always go Ach! "Doontoon" Next!

Dios mio, this kid is fun to hit!

Dinner with friends. Dinner alone.

"He will not see me stopping here... to watch his woods fill up with snow." Hey, Frosty, you want some snow, man? We discussed this, and I said no. Now, here's a clip from 1973.

KFSL-- Fossil 103. Classic hits from ABBA to Zeppelin, comma, Led. we are winners and losers Tell him! Uh, Mr. Simpson, sir? Can you please change the radio station?

Barton Fink! Barton Fink!

even cynical members of Generation X. Yeah, "groovy."

Captured '60s radical, Mona J. Simpson, goes on trial today on decades-old charges of sabotaging the C. Montgomery Burns Germ Warfare Lab. For those of you too young to remember the '60s, here's our stock montage.

That arranged can be. Wha-- Aaah! Yes! Fight and struggle. If I know me, he won't like being kicked in the crotch. - Gott in Himmel! - Oh, Marge. It's me, the real Homer.

Well, sir, "treason season" started early this year,

Gentlemen, you've both worked very hard. And in a way, you're both winners. But in another more accurate way, Barney is the winner.

We're Cyanide. A loving tribute to Poison. We need a ride home!

Hey, we know how to play softball.

Which was? I don't know. I guess I was just a horrible son and no mother would want me. Oh, Homie. Come on! You're a sweet, kind, loving man. I'm sure you were a wonderful son. Then why did she leave me? Let's find out.

Because nobody ever suspects the butterfly. I didn't burn down the school. It was the butterfly, I tell you! The butterfly! He's crazy, boys. Get the Taser.

Welcome, kindergarteners. I'm Principal Sinner-- Skinner. Well, that's it. I've lost them forever. Now I'd like to introduce you to Lunch Lady Doris, who will serve you healthy, nutritious meals. Yeah, right.

You're King David. I love you, 'cause you kill people. Get yourself another hero, kid. I'm all washed up. Well, I guess it's up to Ralph to stop Goliath.

Me too. Well, now that the little ones have toddled off to bed-- I want this to end now.

Help me! Are you helping me? Or are you going on and on? Oh, right. And, of course, within we find the doomed individual.

But he's eating a seal.

"Come to Homer's BBBQ. The extra 'B' is for BYOBB." What's that extra "B" for? That's a typo.

"Yvan eht nioj." They keep saying that. Wait. What was that? Uncle Sam? Let me play this backwards. Join the navy Join the navy.

Ohh! So full. Belly button moving from... innie to... outie!

Release the dragon.

Feels like I'm wearing nothin' at all. Quit it!

Request permission to slink by. Permission pending. First, light our cigarettes. But you're already smoking cig-- You're really pushing it. Come on, Homer. You can't spell obsequious without I.O.U. I'll have to trust you on that.

Whoo-hoo! l rule this pseudo sport! Come back to me, boy!

Let me ask you this: Does your money ever hug you when you come home at night? Why, no. And does it ever say "I love you"? No, it doesn't. Nobody loves you Nobody loves you You're old and you're ugly Way to go, Homer!

Come on, Chalmie. You fired Skinner for less than this. Yeah, I did, but Skinner really bugged me. Besides, the way America's public schools are sliding, they'll all be this way in a few months.

The police have such a strong case against Homer. Mr. Burns said he did it. They have Homer's D.N.A. They have Simpson D.N.A. It could have come from any of us. Except you, since you're a Bouvier. No, no, no, when I took your father's name, I took everything that came with it, including D.N.A. Okay, Mom. Anyway, my point is...

Skinner! (ALL SCREAM) (STUTTERS) Yes, Superintendent Chalmers? Do you know what today is? Today? Yes, of course I do! Happy birthday to you, happy... It not my birthday, Seymour.

I'll do it this afternoon.

You may choose either the backseat of a Camaro, an airplane bathroom, a friend's wedding... or the alley behind a porno theater. I absolutely refuse to go along with this. But since I have no choice, I'll take the alley.

Why, you're not from Scotland at all! Ah, don't be daft. I was born in-- Hey, what the-- My retirement grease! No! Ya thievin' grease bandits! I'll kill ya! Wait up!

Hey! Nobody calls Moe St. Cool a phony!

Hans Moleman Productions presents... Man Getting Hit by Football. Ooh! This contest is over. Give that man the $10,000.

And as for you, I don't know you, but I'm sure you're a jerk! Hey, I've only been here a few minutes. What's going on? You ugly, hate-filled man! Hey-- Hey, I may be ugly and hate-filled, but I've, um-- What was the third thing you said?

Who rigs every Oscar night We do We do Shh! Shut up!

Thank God you're here. We'd like to come in and drink, please. We kicked down the back door, but then there was a metal door. Yeah, all right. Listen up. This is the busiest drinking day of the year. Where are the designated drivers? Beat it! I got no room for cheapskates.

That comes to... 63 cents. Whoo-hoo! Dad, all that bacon cost $27. Yeah, but your mom paid for that. But doesn't she get her money from you? And I get my money from grease. What's the problem?

Well, Bart, your Uncle Arthur used to have a saying, "Shoot 'em all, and let God sort 'em out." Unfortunately, one day he put his theory into practice. It took 75 federal marshals to bring him down. Now, let's never speak of him again.

NO-O-o ! Take me ! I'm old !

Oh, yeah, like you don't know. - We're gonna have sex. - Oh. Well, we don't have to. Yes, we do. The cookie told me so. Well, desserts aren't always right. But they're so sweet.

If there is any love left in you for me, destroy him! America rules! Our Beatles are way better than your precious Rolling Stones!

Well, off to the plant, then to the Duff Brewery. Uh-oh. Did I say that or just think it? I gotta think of a line fast. Homer, are you going to the Duff Brewery?

So now we're not eating Homer? And thanks to that little girl, today you can find apples in everything that's good. Apple wine, apple whiskey,

All right, I think we've heard just about enough from Mr. Newspaper today.

Looks like those clowns in Congress did it again. What a bunch of clowns. How does he keep up with the news like that?

Two, ha-ya-yah.

Get out. Get out! Yea!

Yes, it is. And we can't have you out there mucking it up, now can we? No, sir. That's a good boy. Let's get you some ice cream. There we are. Look. You can drug me all you want, but my family won't rest until they find my drug-bloated corpse! I wouldn't count on that, Number Five.

Psst! The best meat's in the rump.

What's this? "Goodbye, Springfield"? NED: "The Flanders family has pulled up stakes. "You have laughed at us for the last-diddly-ast time." "Last-diddly-ast"? (WAILING) He's gone! And it's all someone's fault!

We didn't all go to Gudger College. It's dignity! Gah! Don't you even know dignity when you see it? - Kirk, you're spitting! - Okay, genius, why don't you draw dignity?

Oh, Krusty, how could you ? I know it looks very bad, honey. Who knows, maybe it'll turn out he was innocent all along. Earth to Marge. Earth to Marge. I was there. The clown is G-i-L-L-T-Y.

Money problems? Homer, are we in some sort of fiduciary trouble? Oh, Marge, my loyal wife, of course not.

You're lucky. You only joined the junior Campers. I got a dirty word shaved into the back of my head. What is it with you kids and that word? I'm going to shave you bald, young man, until you learn that hair is not a right-- it's a privilege. What's in the bag, wuss?

Well, howdy, Homer. Ooh, thanks for dropping by.

- That will make us feel better. - Oh, okay. But they'll have to be pretty damn miserable to make me happy. Looks like the Flanders are having a nice Christmas. Oh, yeah? We'll show 'em.

Spare me your lectures, ladies. Aah ! oof ! - Oh, no, he's hurt ! - Bad ! - Let's get outta here !

This is even more painful than it looks.

and I had to do it without tappa-tappa-tappa. I would have killed for tappa-tappa-tappa. Sorry. I'm just frustrated. Well, you'll never save Grandpa's farm with that attitude. You've just got to turn that frown upside down. That's a smile, not an upside-down frown. Work on that too.

It is time to settle the score. Huh? Aah!

J You’re like X-Men number three in a Mylar bag J

I have to go now. My planet needs me. Wow! Poochie came from another planet? Uh, I guess. Hey, that wasn't supposed to happen! Those finks double-crossed me! Poochie's dead!

- Good grief. - Oh! My head!

Bartron, the evil robot from Mars gone berserk. Do I understand you correctly, Bartron?

Now, they may ask you to locate your town on a map of the U.S. So, let's do that. Uh, Springfield, Springfield. Right here. Dad, you're not pointing anywhere near Springfield. It's over here, Apu. Hey! What you doin'? Studyin'? Oh, I'm so confused. I don't even know where I'm getting kicked out of anymore.

What are you laughing about? You started off as the bad cop. And now you're the good one. You and Willie got mixed-up about 10 minutes ago. We did not! Now, where's Bart? You better tell me! Oh! You better tell him, lassie. I cannot control him when he gets like this. Now you're the good cop. What?

we are the champions

These animals certainly act different at night.

Mom, that was incredible. Oh, nothing's more powerful than a mother's love. Mom, your hair! Don't worry. We've got two hours before it burns down to my head. Our top story tonight... I'm about to die. Oh...

Meet me at the tree house, Bart. And come alone. - Thanks for coming. - I please to aim.

I don't know, but he's got lethal tuna breath. Ooh! Who does Nelson think he's impressing anyway, acting so cool all the time? Not me! All right, Mr. Smartenheimer, that does it. First you're going to give back everything you've stolen.

just a minute! Don't hang up! Y'ello? You'll have to speak up. I'm wearing a towel.

Say, that ayatollah thinks he's better than America. Is he right? No! Yes. For only five dollars, you can sock it to him in style. Right here! And for the man who has everything, a tie-rack motor.

Moe's Tavern. Hold on. I'll check. Uh, hey, everybody. I'm a stupid moron with an ugly face and a big butt... and my butt smells and I like to kiss my own butt. That's a new one! Wait a minute.

Welcome, Movementarians. Continue to improve our lives. I love you, perfect Leader, and new C.E.O. of KBBL Broadcasting. Homer Simpson, your family will be housed here... for the first 100,000 years. Then something might open up in a double.

Hey, I thought I had more stuff than this.

So, "Y" equals "R" cubed over three. And if you determine the rate of change in this curve correctly, I think you will be pleasantly surprised.

Homer? In America, first you get the sugar, then you get the power, then you get the women.

Super fun happy slide! No, Dad. Oh! I guess killing will be fun enough.

"Do the message!" So long. I'm gonna sleep over at Ralph's. Oh! See, I knew you'd find something you liked about him. Oh, I found something, all right. After the beep.

Fine. I'll do it myself.

Now can we go home? Laddie saved the day, Simpson. Boy, we sure could use a dog like that on the force! Why don't you guys take him? I thought he was the right dog for me, but I guess I made a mistake. Really? No foolin'? Ah, gee! Thanks, mister. We'll take real good care of him.

Oh, that was close. - Oh, I knew this would happen. - Well, at least the burglar's having a merry Christmas.

Hello, I am Plato. Please partake of keno, craps and the loosest slots in town. My philosophy is, enjoy.

I hope you know you're sponsoring a celebration for a murderous pirate. A pirate? Well, that's hardly the image we want for Long john Silver's. Well, I see no way of settling this.

Take thy beak from out my heart... and take thy form from off my door ! Quoth the Raven: Nevermore. Take thy beak from out my heart and take thy form from off my door. Quoth the Raven: Nevermore.

The Itchy and Scratchy Show Mmm.

What's a Tim Conway? Oh, about a 120 pounds. It's the Simpson family smile-time variety hour

I'm talking about his-- personal area. Aha. Say no more. I read you loud and clear. The old shoulder pads. Look, I want a cup. Cup. Could you spell that?

He's the greatest showman since that kid who eats worms. My 15 minutes of fame are over.

Hello. I'm an electric car. I can't go very fast or very far. And if you drive me, people will think you're gay. One of us! One of us!

Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Jingle Bell R-- Huh? Jingle bell what? Dad, it's a blackout. A blackout?

Oh, no! Repo men! Laddie, hide behind that bush there! Mom and Dad aren't home, are they? No. They went for a walk with the Flanders. Bart, what's going on? Why are those repo guys taking all your stuff? The dog and I got a credit card, and-- Credit card?

Homer, I need your help. You do ? Yeah. I want you to help me design a car.

I'm a rage-aholic. I just can't live without rage-ahol!

Stinks. Piffle. DustBuster? Yech! Sir, I've arranged for the people of Australia... to join hands tonight and spell out your name with candles. There's a satellite hookup on that monitor. If you'll just turn your head slightly-- Bah! No time. Next!

Me in a nuclear power plant. Kaboom !

And away we go!

Excuse me, little lady. The wheelbarrow line's over there. Oh, loneliness and cheeseburgers are a dangerous mix.

I've seen teams suck before, but they were the suckiest bunch of sucks that ever sucked.

No, no, no, no, no. Young man, you need to do some serious boning. Oh, grow up, Lise. Okay, Libya. Exports. Yes, sir, you American pig. Nice touch.

Folks, we're experiencing... some moderate Godzilla-related turbulence at this time, so I'm gonna go ahead... and ask you to put your seat belts back on.

Ah. Yeah, it's like out of a storybook, ain't it? But he's really grown on me. He's got this insecure, sweaty charm. Oh, yeah, I got that. And he's so thoughtful. Last night he bought all the seats in a movie theater... just so we could have a romantic evening together. Yeah, well,

Uh-- wha-- no. This can't be what it looks like. There's gotta be some other explanation. I wish there was some other explanation for this. But there isn't. I'm a murderer. I'm a murderer! Then that's not the real Ned Flanders. I'm a mur-diddly-urgler!

Big fish! Big fish!

That's it, Bart. Oh, why can't you be more like, uh, uh--

Outsiders have kidnapped some of our property. We must respond with our deadliest weapon. The lawyers. Go! Go! Go!

we Will always love kamp krusty A reGistered trademark of the krusty corporation all rights reserved

Dang! Double dang!

neurochemical research center at Fort Meade, Maryland for extensive testing.

The word is "irony." Huh?

J You took a 20-carat diamond J J And made it gleam J J Like a big spaghetti dinnerJ J Smothered in whipped cream J JJ f Orchestra f J You’re like X-Men number three in a Mylar bag J

watching TV on the couch?

Rip-off! We paid for blood! Let's tear this place apart! Good idea! Those kids are, like, so sweet.

Bart, let's stop this stupid rivalry.

This is all my fault, Dad. I didn't want you to get hurt. Now I need to find another little brother. And I need to find another big brother. My car's gonna feel so empty on the ride home. And me, I have no ride at all.

Hey, Lenny, sending some outgoing mail?

Damn this casino!

Oh, I'd love to wear this someplace special. Sperlock's Cafeteria it is. What about the symphony or the theater? Oh-- What's the point of going out? We're just gonna wind up back here anyway.

Ooh, gummi bears!

Mom, are those rabbits dead? No. No, Lisa. They're just sleeping... upside down and inside out.

(SCREAMS) (BOTH SCREAM) (SCREAMS) Hey, I didn't do anything. Yet. You've wrecked my life! You're gonna wreck my life!

Joe's Crematorium-- You kill 'em, we grill 'em.

Can't you understand English? Hi, honey. How was your first day of school? Honey?

Wait a minute. Capital City has a mascot. The greatest mascot there is-- the Capital City Goofball. Yeah, but he's gettin' on in years... and he needs someone to fill in for a couple innings a night. Could be a big opportunity for ya. I'll say ! Why don't you talk it over with your family ? Because they might say no.

It's all my fault. No, it's not. Yes, it is. You tried to warn me about gambling my family's future on some pig in a poke. I didn't listen. Homer, you were a true friend. No, I was a swine.

Nyung, nyung, nyung, nyung! Yeah, I've seen your Curly too. I know I really shouldn't, but when am I gonna be here again?

But, Homer, you have to get rid of that elephant.

Most people would say, "No, of course not. What kind of stupid question is that ?"

No. I'm not setting foot outside this house until that man is gone. Oh, Dad, you are the living end. Hey, where'd that cool, creepy Santa come from? japan. Except over there they call him "Annual Gift Man," and he lives on the moon.

Balderdash. This is the silliest load of--

Mayor, eh? The Mayor. Starring Homer Simpson.

Hey, Bart. Watch this. Oh, no! My favorite outfit!

Foolish Earthling. Totally unprepared for the effects of time travel.

Yeah. What I'm saying is, all we have to do... is go down to the pound and get a new jazzman. Oh, Dad! Oh. I blew it again. What? Mmm.

This is Becky. She's in the second grade. Hi, Becky. Thanks for coming out. "See ya." He writes the way people talk!

Oh, Rhett! Rhett! Oh, Rhett. Where will I go? What'll I do? Frankly, my dear-- I love you. Let's remarry.

Ah. The baby who shot me. No. I was referring to your other daughter.

Hey, Simpson. Race ya. First one to the front of the bus gets Martin's lunch money. What? Go apple! Go orange! Go banana!

title fights, the Super Bowl, and the Nixon funeral--

(BRAKES SCREECHING) What? Can't we sit on the couch without something happening? D'oh!

Whoa. I gotta replace that window.

Aah! Run! Mr. Burns will kill us all! Wait. Don't go. Love me!

Hmm. Am I wrong, or did it just get fatter in here?

Don't you want to please your teachers and get good grades? Grades? We love him he loves we we're the leader's family These lima beans are even better than the ones we had for breakfast and lunch.

(SCREAMS IN PAIN) (SIGHS) (LISA GROANS) This is our Little Hooker line. All the girls your age are wearing it, except the freakishly unpopular.

(INDISTINCT TALKING) My coat of arms is a Spiderman couchant on a field vert. What's "couchant" mean?

Two plus two is four. Two plus two is four. Two plus two is four.

Oh, sure. I'll put you in the Rick James suite. It's super freaky.

Horse not wearing diaper.

Nobody talks to me that way! I'm Homer Simpson, the most powerful food critic in town, who will never get his comeuppance! You hear me? No comeuppance! We'll be right back.

Huh? And he gambles like crazy. I'll call. Three nines. Oh! I almost had a straight! Come to new papa. Hey, what's the deal? We just spliced in some home movies. What do you think?

Whoops. Do you see a light, Homer? Yes. Move into the light, my son. Ow! Homer, this is your physician, Doctor julius Hibbert. Can you tell us what it's like in there? Um, it's like, uh--

Hey! I don't remember saying that.

Bart versus Lisa. Who will win? Their father's fat and their mother's thin. And Grampa Simpson reeks of gin! Hey! That's Obsession for Men.

lollipop, lollipop oh, lolly-lollipop lollipop ow!

Bart, children, this whole sordid affair has been a shock to all of us. But we must get on with our lives. Let's try to remember Krusty, not as a hardened criminal, but as that lovable jester who honked his horn and puttered around in his little car.

Prime Minister Tony Blair?

Another incredible performance by this water-loving wonder horse! What's that, Duncan? You say you want to dive again? Well--

Here's your first assignment. What the--

And the thought of loving you is getting so exciting

- Poke. - (YELPS)

Well, the handwriting's on the wall. To stay afloat, this bar is gonna have to go queer. You mean it's not? Oh. Wrong again, Gay Guide to Springfield.

AlOha, oi Aloha, oi

And that was "Kung Fu Fighting." Say, speaking of one-trick ponies, whatever happened to that "I didn't do it" kid? Boy, did that get old fast. Whoa! You know, if you wanna last in this business, you gotta stay fresh.

Is that normal? Yeah, he's just playing Wiggle Puppy. That's a dog he made up who flies by waggin' his tail. I tell you, that dog has had some amazing adventures. Well, Ralph certainly has a lot of imagination.

Boy, would my face have been red. Stop laughing, you imbecile. Don't you realize how close you just came to killing yourself? Who did this to my wall? He did.

We'll never be able to swim that far.

Look! That's Lisa Leslie. She showed little girls everywhere... that they can grow up to be 6 foot 5. Lisa Leslie, you got game! I think you mean I "have game." Try to speak correctly. You go, girl! Yes, I will depart... lest your bad grammar rub off on me.

Aw, sure there is. I knew it. If only I had nagged more. God is angry. We've made a false idol of this Brad Goodman.

No. You must not blame yourself, Reverend. You must blame that little boy. He started it all. Get him! Eep.

Oh, it sure looks that way. But at least Bart and Homer are spending quality time together. Is that a Long Island Iced Tea? Oh, this? Hmm. I think it is. Mmm. You're a pretty girl.

Woo-hoo! Free cheese!

Will you cease that infernal tootling ! I was just practicing. It's hard to discover your inner beauty while you're shouting at an eight-year-old girl. You've only got two days left, so shut up and paint ! Mmm !

Uh, let me put it this way. I'm looking for my friend Bill. Have you seen any Bills around here? No. He's Bart.

Sure you can. Bunch of no-good do-gooders. Hang in there, Max. Saving the environment is a hard, grueling job. That's what I'm saying. See, Marge? This guy gets it.

Oh, we won't. Little jamshed, the store is in your hands. How I have waited for this day.

My homework is in your park. Let's do it! Yoink! What does freedom mean to me?

It's bringing love! Don't let it get away! Break its legs! Wait! You want an alien? This is your alien! Hello, children. I bring you love.

A'four-- In the navy, yes, you can sail the seven seas in the navy yes, you can puT your mind at ease in the navy Come on, people and make A stand in the nAvy in the navy in the navy come on protect the motherland

Ned, did you clip Ann Landers today? - Ann Landers is a boring old biddy. - Ned! I was more animal than man! My name is Otto.

That was such an exciting night. Morley Safer has the biggest head I've ever seen. I really had fun. (SIGHS) It's gonna be a letdown going to school tomorrow. We have to make a pilgrim out of felt. Hey, I'm covering the UN Women's Conference in Capital City tomorrow.

All you have to do is hit the ball here.

Yeah. It's a lazy, dog-dangling afternoon.

Bad example. Let me ask you this: Does your money ever hug you when you come home at night? Why, no. And does it ever say "I love you"? No, it doesn't. Nobody loves you Nobody loves you You're old and you're ugly Way to go, Homer!

Hello ? Simpson, this is Sylvia Winfield.

"Le grille"? What the hell is that? Oh! Come here-- Get-- Uh! Come on! Fit, you! Huh? Ahh! Yeah, that's one fine-looking barbecue pit.

There he sits with a pen and a yellow pad What a handsome lad That's my boy B-R-L-F-Q spells mom and dad

Stand away from milady! Get in there! Defend my honor! Ew! Every moment I live is agony. Bart, you're getting vomit on my prince!

Hey! Who cut something out of my paper? Not me. Not me. I'm more of a mail tamperer. Well, don't look at me... just because I'm holding a pair of scissors. Scissors which I need to, uh-- to... gussy up these curtains.

She says you're a bad influence. Bad influence, my butt!

You like them, huh? Come on, I'll show you the other 300. (GASPS) How could this have... Oh. (SIGHS)

Todd, would you like mixed vegetables? Hell no. What did you say? I don't want any damn vegetables. All right. No Bible stories for you tonight. Weren't you a little hard on him?

Well, if you wanted people to love you, you sure blew it with that insane rampage. But you know what? To be loved, you have to be nice to people... every day. But to be hated, you don't have to do squat.

Let's see him track me now.

I told you no one ever came here. So, Bob, where do we stand on Springfield Forest? Do I get my logging permit? Well, let me put it this way, jerry. Timber!

We know who you are, Miss Botz. Or should I say Miss Botzcowski ? You're the Baby-sitter Bandit. You're a smart, young man, Bart. I hope you're smart enough to keep your mouth shut. He isn't. You're crazy if you think you're gonna get away with this. You can't--

Wow! I had mustard?

Don't look out the window! Cops! Everybody split up!

Ah. And now to read my fortune. "Geese can be troublesome." What the hell is that supposed to mean? Oh, fortune means geese cause problems. Well, I knew that before I came in here. A guy outside told me that. "Every house has a bathroom."

What's that? That is the rarest gummi of them all. The gummi Venus de Milo, carved by gummi artisans... who work exclusively in the medium of gummi. Will you two stop saying "gummi" so much? Must have rare gummi. Distract the salesman.

but I got a hankering for some-- That's right. Don't forget the applesauce. Okay, Homer, pick out any one you want. Are you sure you want to give me a car ? Hey, you know what these things cost me ? There's maybe forty bucks worth of steel in 'em.

(SOBS) Even the Applause-O-Meter is crying. Oh, God! That's battery acid! (SCREAMS) Dad, you know, the best part about this whole thing has been the time we've spent together.

You love Homer and Marge. You are their son. What you are doing is wrong, wrong, wrong! Do you mind? You're killing the romance in here. Well, it was a grueling two weeks, but you have your son back. Ooh.

First of all my real name isn't Krusty the Clown. It's Herschel Krustofski. My father was a rabbi. His father was a rabbi. His father's father...

Cowabunga, dudes.

Homercles cares not for beans.

Where's my elephant? Where's my elephant? Hey, they're playing "The Elephant Song." I love that. Reminds me of elephants. So, isn't that what we're all asking in our own lives? Where's my elephant? I know that's what I've been asking.

Oh, my goodness! Ow! My freakin' ears! Oh, let's go, dear. Well, I expect that type of language at Denny's, but not here! Aw, come on, folks, wait. Please come back. Please! I got a new offer. Whenever Uncle Moe threatens you, you get a free steak-fish.

There's a cat on a table and no one seems to care. This is the single greatest day of my life! "Impossible to tell in writing. Basho, he named himself. Banana Tree." Basho! Banana tree!

You don't want to sit with the rest of the scum. - I only consider you scum compared to Krusty. - Well, right.

he strikes the same rib twice in succession, yet he produces two clearly different tones. I mean, what are we-- to believe that this is some sort of a-- a magic xylophone or something? Boy, I really hope somebody got fired for that blunder. Uh, well, uh-- I'll field this one. Let me ask you a question.

Missed one, Dad. See you in hell, dinner plate.

Maybe I'll wear my hair... up.

I want to register to run for sanitation commissioner. And tell the fat cats upstairs things are gonna change in this town! Okay. But this is where you register as a sex offender.

My eyes! My beautiful eyes!

The Simpsons' amazing journey began here... in the bustling heartland town of Springfield. On this unassuming street, two nobodies... named Homer and Marge Simpson settled down to raise a family. First came baby Bart. Then, Lisa Simpson.

Oh, what a day. Maybe the headlines will cheer me up. That's opinion, not news!

Ohhh, what the hell? Muuuah! Seven, six-- five, four, three, two, one--

Hey, Homer, us hotheads here is gonna go tear down Burns's sun-blockin' machine. You wanna come with? Sure. I've had it up to here with these damn rickets.

Homer, why are you laughing?

Can you believe that guy? He's in his office making a pathetic attempt to look professional. Hey, what do you got against Homer anyway? Are you kidding? Does this whole plant have some disease, where it can't see that he's an idiot? Look here. Accidents have doubled every year since he became safety inspector. And meltdowns have tripled.

The Simpsons (TIRES SCREECHING) D'oh! (SCREAMS) (BRAKES SCREECHING) ALL: Huh? D'oh!

Look, Big Daddy, it's regular Daddy.

"Plastic Pearls Make the Girl." Well, at least there's nothing else Burns can do to me. Oh! (GASPS) LISA: No! Way to go, Moon Milhouse!

Well, Ralph certainly has a lot of imagination. Ah, yeah, the kid's incredible. I mean, the special schools are all over him. Maybe he needs some real friends. Sure, we'd all love some real friends, Marge, but what are the odds of that happening?

All our money's tied up in this woman. If she fails, we're broke. If she succeeds, I have no husband. I don't know what to root for. You don't? I gotta go.

We should ask your father, though. Where is he, anyway? Now, Homie, when we get to the liquor store, buy me some jack Daniels and a carton of smokes. Yes, dear.

Ah, 433rd Street. My old neighborhood. Hmm. "Oh, yes. Oh, yes. "Capitol City's nakedest ladies. "They're not even wearing a smile.

That was unexpected. Well, reset the catapult, and let's get this over with. Wait! I have discovered more lines on the parchment. It says that the prohibition law which was passed here 200 years ago... was repealed 199 years ago.

A Val-U-Qual coupon book! Let's see. Ten percent off carpet cleaning. Ten! Two pizzas for the price of one at Doughy's! Doughy's has terrible pizza. Yeah, but there's two! Oh, free foot pain analysis.

This reporter suggested "Waitergate," but was shouted down at the press club.

I say Phantom Menace sucked more! I say Attack of the Clones sucked more!

"Gym"? What's a "gym"? Oh. A "gym." Ow. Ow.

Hello, gas company? How poisonous is your gas? Wow. Bu-- Eh-- But I'm talking about, you know, outdoors with plenty of ventilation. That-- How could that be worse? Okay, permanent brain damage or just temporary? I see.

And just now when a police car drove by, she ran into the house. Yeah, I don't trust her either. I was going through her purse. Look what I found. "Mona Simpson. Mona Stevens. "Martha Stewart. Penelope Olsen. Muddy Mae Suggins?" These are the calling cards of a con artist.

Good Lord! He's going to fire! All right! Scud the school, dude! No, stop. Think of the children.

(AIR HORN BLOWING)

Hey, it's morning, and Mom and Dad aren't home yet. Don't worry. Mr. Hutz is still here to take care of us. Don't touch my stuff! Hey. This isn't the Y.M.C.A. Dispatch, this is Chief Wiggum back in pursuit of the rebelling women.

Cool! Yeah, I know I'm on. But I don't care. I don't read the news until I get my Danish. Go ahead. Try to find a replacement. Aah! A powerful tidal wave in Kuala Lumpur has killed 120 people.

Sometimes I think you want to fail! Shut up. just shut up! We used to eat this when my dad was stationed in "Vandihar." Take your kafta b'Sounieh and dip it in the labneh.

Hey! Sorry, old chap, but you're proving quite the caterpillar in our buttermilk. Huh? We're shutting you down. Not a chance. No one can silence me but me! That arranged can be. Wha-- Aaah!

Or you could take something that already exists and find a new use for it. Like-- Hamburger earmuffs! Uh, well, I suppose that would qualify-- Thanks, sucker! All right. just stay calm, Frinky. These babies will be in the stores...

Teacher, my shoes are making noise. You must be Ralph. My daddy shoots people.

But first, a man whose inspiring battle with Percodan addiction... is soon to be a movie of the week-- Krusty the Clown! I'll be played by jimmy Smits. Now he faces his toughest audience-- three Siberian tigers.

Oh! Why did I have to stop at the railroad tracks? Better get Some change. It's okay. It's okay. I'm back. See? Daddy's here. Come on, Maggie. Maybe if you just squeeze a little.

Sir, a Lisa and Bart Simpson sent you a script. Yeah, yeah, yeah. "Dear Mr. Meyers, my brother and I watch your show. You should be proud that children everywhere--" Blah-blah-blah, bling-bling-bling-blah. Hey, egghead! Sing "fair Harvard." Fair Harvard, I--

If you need money you should have jammed a gun in my ribs or inquire about my help wanted sign. You need help? Someone for the demanding high profile midnight to 8:00 a.m. shift. I'm your man. You're hired. I dreamed of the day one of you would work for me.

Welcome, kindergarteners. I'm Principal Sinner-- Skinner. Well, that's it. I've lost them forever. Now I'd like to introduce you to Lunch Lady Doris, who will serve you healthy, nutritious meals. Yeah, right.

Ah, for the days when aviation was a gentleman's pursuit. Back before every joe Sweat Sock could wedge himself behind a lunch tray... and jet off to Raleigh-Durham. Are you getting lots of bugs in your mouth too? Yes. Prepare to engage enemy.

That maniac nearly killed us! Shall I take you to the pilot? You see, because that is your song. I heard you. Yes, because someone saved your life tonight. Cut it out! Well, well, the bitch is back.

Attention on deck! Captain Tennille wishes to address you.

May I upload your footage onto my website? Well, sir, I don't believe we've ever met. My name is Jeff Albertson. But everyone calls me Comic Book Guy. Well, I'll just call you "friend." Here's your tape, friend.

Kings among men. You're lookin' at Adolf Hitler's personal limousine. It's roomier than Bonnie and Clyde's death car, and was the first automobile to come with FahrvergnÜgen. Ooh. Aah. Wow, it's "Euro-rific."

To pass the time, please enjoy this novelty pen. Why would I want to look at a pen with a-- Oh, no! Her clothes are coming off! Hey, you know who would love this? Men.

Twelve good men, and true. Good day. Smithers, release the hounds. Your Honor,

I'm running things now. All hail King Homer.

Thanks for helping me out. You're a stand-up babe. Hey, check it out. Skinner's mopping the goo off his house! Wait till he finds what I left in his birdbath. No!

Why, you little-- Uh-oh ! Now I got ya ! Aah ! Aah ! Boy must die ! I love you, Dad ! Doh ! Dirty trick. Okay, I'm not gonna kill you, but I'm gonna tell you three things that are gonna haunt you for the rest of your days.

Mmm. (PSYCHEDELIC MUSIC PLAYING) (SNARLING) (WHIMPERS)

Hi, little fella. I got some nice juicy flies for you. Geez, Louise. Look at this mess. I told that boy a billion times to pick up his jun--

Right on, sister ! Let the destruction begin ! Hey, they forgot my corn dog !

Maybe I'll just stay and work overtime. My sisters-in-law are at my house again.

Run, Daddy! Run!

Run across! I'm sorry.

Homer, at least come out and say hello. No. No, no. No. Oh, no. Oh, come on. You liked john this morning. No. I'm not setting foot outside this house until that man is gone.

Huh? Our next budget item, $12 for doorknob repair. Nay! Recharge fire extinguishers. This is a free service of the fire department. Nay!

Come to Homercles! I can't. The beans will burn. Homercles cares not for beans. Oh! Hi, kids. How was Duff Gardens? Can't talk. Comin' down.

When are you going to wake up and smell your husband, Marge? Granted, you got some kids out of him. But when the seeds have been planted, you throw away the envelope. I wish you wouldn't put Homer down like that. He may not be a big success like you, but I can always count on him to provide for the family.

A noble spirit "embiggens" the smallest man.

We gotta find someplace to hide. The abandoned warehouse! D'oh! Stupid economic recovery.

Ow! Ow! Ooh! I'll mace you good! Your species is brutish and primitive!

It's america's funniest tornadoes. Ooh! And at 9:30, All in the Family 1999. Oh, geez there. They got me livin' with an African-American, a Semite-American and a woman-American there! And I'm glad! I love youse all!

I'm not gonna stand for this. I'm gonna call the newspapers, the TV stations, the gas stations, everybody!

People of Earth, this is Bartron-- commander of the Martian invasion force. Your planet is in our hands. Resistance is useless. We have captured your president. He was delicious. Why, you little... Wait A minute.

I never had one. No Bar Mitzvah? In the eyes of God and the Springfield Jewish Walk of Fame Committee, you are not a Jewish man! Now see here! Do you know how much I donate to the B'nai B'rith? Actually, I do. Goodbye.

Now I'm gonna grab me somethin' sweet. No, Mr. Simpson. That's sexual harassment. If you keep it up, I'll yell so loud, the whole country'll hear. With a man in the White House? Not likely.

I don't know where you magic pixies came from, but I like your pixie drink.

The only thing I was ever good at was bus driving and now I need a piece of paper to do that. So get that piece of paper. I tried! Oh, Lord, how I did try. Knock it off! I can't hear myself think.

Teacher, my shoes are making noise. You must be Ralph. My daddy shoots people. Good. Good. Wait a minute. Somebody's off the beat. Let me hear you two. Okay, now you.

Why me, Lord? Where have I gone wrong? I've always been nice to people. I don't drink or dance or swear. I've even kept kosher just to be on the safe side. I've done everything the Bible says! Even the stuff that contradicts the other stuff! What more could I do?

Hot stuff comin' through.

Wait a minute. I know where we're going. Oh, it's horrible! Oh, it's even boring to fly over it!

You gotta slow your car down and let me in because I'm a big fat guy and I can't go anywhere. Because there's gonna be some poison gas. There's gonna be really poison gas. Everybody's gonna be dead, especially me! D'oh!

Duh, hey! You said you was dead. Yes. Dead tired. But I'm quite refreshed now. Thank you.

I wuv you. I wUV-- Love you--

Who's this? The Debbie Pinson, who was the homecoming queen in high school? Yes, I'm still available. No, he's not! Marge, that was Debbie Pinson! Debbie Pinson! No dating!

- Homer, did you eat that doughnut? - No. Your wide behind won't save you this time. Hey, Bart. Hey. Wait!

Well, john, what did you think of tonight's episode? I loved it. The last-minute addition of Wally Kogen to the lineup... was a bit of a gamble, but it really paid off. Marge and Lisa painting eggs-- did that work for you? Oh, big-time! They came off the bench with a huge effort... that allowed Homer and Bart to make some significant gains.

ow, ooh. ow, ooh. Ow, ooh. And that's what really happened.

Beep-beep! Out of my way! I'm a motorist. Uh, that's some nice reckless drivin', Mr. B.

Mister Seltzer? Setzer. No, I think it's Seltzer. What is it, Homer?

Good-bye, Great-Aunt Gladys. I wish I'd made more of an effort... to get to know you these last few years. Don't worry about it.

Jiminy Cricket! Whoo! Expired ham. Well, this time I've gone too far. No. No one will fall for-- Woo-hoo! Cheap meat! Ooh, this one's open.

Pa, can ya help me with my sums? Oh, Bart, you met Grandma Flanders. Hope she didn't scare ya. Hello, Joe! Little Lisa. I've already started you...

Excuse me, Marge! I think that if you told me, I would remember. I mean, I'm not an idiot!

Six queens. Read 'em and weep. Not so fast. Seven queens.

Let's roll, boys.

Um, I run my own business, of course.

Auditions will be tomorrow at my estate. And now, our feature presentation. Oh, for-- Oh, very well. Let's all go to the lobby Let's all go to the lobby Let's all go to the lobby Get ourselves some snacks

Cheer up, Homer. ts only rock-and-roll camp. But I like it.

Give us the money! Elmo knows where you live.

Kids, your daddy and his daddy are involved in a very... sticky, nutty, chewy, chocolaty-- Put it away, boy! Situation. And your daddy has realized something very important. A father should always make his kids feel wanted. Starting right now, I promise to spend a lot more time with you...

Nothing is going to happen, Mom! I hate to disappoint you, but the world is not coming to an end.

Presenting Princess Kashmir, queen of the mysterious East.

Well, Edna, for a school with no Asian kids, I think we put on a pretty darn good science fair. It--

It's no use. I guess I'll have to leave all my money to the Egg Advisory Council. Eggs have gotten quite a bad rap lately, you know, Smithers.

How could I toss my friends out into the cold with no place to get liquored up. Hey, what's going on?

Bases loaded, two out. The good guys trail by a run. S... P... R... I... N... G... F... E... E... L... D ! Springfield !

No. The last step is quitting. D'oh! Gee-- Very well. I'm not gonna be Angry Dad for one day longer! I'm giving up anger forever! If you ask me, you should give up fatty foods. I said anger!

Out-of-towner tax?

(TEENY CHATTERING) (MUTTERING) "Homeland Noodles with Uncle Sam Balls."

I'm starving! Somebody bring me some food quick! I'm a-comin', boy! Homer, get back here!

I let him design a car that would make or break my company. Presenting the Homer. I'm ruined! Forbes called it: Overblown, don't you think?

Well, first off, here's your thousand dollars back for hiring that lawyer, and $750 for the drawing, and here's a couple of bucks for your trouble.

That can't be true, honey. If it were, I'd be terrified. Eight, seven, six-- We want to thank Dixie brand mayonnaise. Whoo, Lordy, what a mayonnaise! Three, two-- That's Homer Simpson's computer. Oh, God! It's spreading!

Funzo's soft and cuddly. With lots of firepower. Ow. Yes! Ha-ha! Funzo! Funzo! Funzo!

Homer! Homer, he's not going to get tired! You've got to hit him back! Hit him back! That cactus is right.

These things happen. Eight dollars.

Hey, kids. i made your favorite cookies. Christmas trees for the girls and bloody spearheads for Bart. Aw, thanks, Mom.

Turn it back on! Turn it back on!

I don't know, Dad. Don't you have a better picture? Relax. A photo can't make any difference. He looks crazy. Agreed. Reading his essay would only waste valuable seconds.

You know, my course can help you with every personality disorder... in the "feel bad" rainbow. Let's look at the rainbow. What's in there? Geriatric Profanity Disorder, or G.P.D.

This briefcase and this haircut.

A lot of people think our dad's behavior has screwed us up-- and it has. But it's all worth it just to hear him sing. Shavin' my shoulders I'm gettin' it all shaved off

The Catholic Church-- we've made a few changes.

Oh, there's something I used...

Skinner! (ALL SCREAM) (STUTTERS) Yes, Superintendent Chalmers?

Hey! Buy a costume or get out, fellas.

Mom, we're having a geography pageant at school, and I don't know which state to go as. In honor of legalized gambling, why not go as the state of Nevada? No. Nevada makes my butt look big. Then how 'bout going as Florida? You enjoy orange juice. Old people like you.

Aaaaaaaahhh! Holy cow, you just fell on Aerosmith!

People, stop! We can't give up our dental plan! Lenny, without that dental plan, you wouldn't have that diamond in your tooth. Yoink! Hey!

I've already forgotten his name.

Ingenious, isn't it, Mr. Bont? Scorpio, you're totally mad. I wouldn't point fingers, you jerk. So, do you expect me to talk? I don't expect anything from you except to die and be a very cheap funeral. You're gonna die now.

Oh, don't worry, Marge. Her idea of wit is nothing more than an incisive observation... humorously phrased and delivered with impeccable timing.

Son of a diddly!

Hey, it's Krusty. I need you to get me out of another jam. I picked up this chick last night. At least I thought she was a chick. Showbiz is so fascinating.

Hey, jimbo, keeping your nose clean, dude? Hey, Donna, who loves you, baby? Not in my hall, bub.

I gotta get a job before Marge finds out I was fired.

Hey, the batteries are missing from this thing. Yeah. We borrowed 'em for the radio. BOTH: Skyrockets in flight, afternoon delight

(GRUNTS) (HUMMING) Huh? (SNORING) Hey, cat, get your own pants! (GRUNTS) Kids! Why's the cat so fat? Dad, Snowball's not fat. She's just got winter fur. (GRUNTS) Okay, she's fat.

Yes, Lisa. Daddy's a teacher.

Hello, children. Whom do you love ? Sideshow Bob ! Come on, Bart. Go with the flow. How much do you love me ? With all our hearts ! About a zillionth as much as I love Krusty.

Judge Snyder, motion to declare a writ of boys will be boys. Motion granted. Case dismissed!

I don't have the money to produce the cartoons. I lost everything. I can't even keep my dad's head in the freakin' cryogenic center anymore. Ya comfortable in there, Daddy? Look, if money's the only problem, I know a guy who has lots of it.

The thing about huckleberries is... once you've had fresh, you'll never go back to canned. Uh-- Uh-- So anyway, I kicked the guy's ass. Now, if the berries are too tart, I just dust 'em with confectioner's sugar.

Where have you been? Playing with Milhouse. No, you haven't! You've been out gallivanting around... with that floozy of a bigger brother of yours! Haven't you? Haven't you? Look at me! Dad, it just kind of happened. You're taking this too hard.

This is the scraper, this is the poker... and this happy little fellow is the gouger. Now, the first thing I'll be doing... is chiseling some teeth out of your jawbone. Hold still while I gas you.

Eh-- All right. We've all got derringers. Now let's just put 'em away. Nobody here is a cheat. Cheat? Aw, geez. Man, those derringer bullets are weak.

Then you'd better not look at me. Homer, where did you get that suit? A friend bought it for me. Was it Lurleen? No. I think it was Lenny. Don't lie to me. Are you having an affair? No! Have you kissed her? No! - Has she kissed you? - Couple of times.

Look, boss. ts a baby. Ah, bambino. Or is it a bambina? I dont speak any language so good.

You bet your sweet bippy.

Man, this place looks expensive! I feel like I'm wasting a fortune just standing here. Better make the most of it.

"And that has made all the difference." Now let's get down to business. To my executor, Lionel Hutz, I leave $50,000. Mr. Hutz! You'd be surprised how often that works. You really would. To Marge, I leave my collection...

Captain's log. Stardate 6051. Had trouble sleeping last night. My hiatal hernia is acting up. The ship is drafty and damp. I complain, but nobody listens. Star Trek XII: So Very Tired. See the original cast in their latest, greatest adventure.

Now let's hear it for a great American-- former President Gerald Ford. Thank you, Krusty, for inviting me. - Well, all the good presidents turned us down. - Oh, well. I'd like to talk about a subject... that is very important to me.

Good evening, again, Springfield. Krusty the Clown, the beloved idol of countless tots, now nothing more than a common, alleged criminal. His trial, which begins tomorrow, has taken center ring in a national media circus...

Whoa, easy there, partner. (GROANING) Uh-oh. You killed him. He was my world.

Good going, son. But remember-- Most lynch mobs aren't this nice.

Take that, you lousy dimension! Huh? Huh? Oh, there's so much I don't know about astrophysics. I wish I read that book by that wheelchair guy.

Listen, lady-- Don't call me "lady." My name is Marge Simpson.

On the closing day the escrow agents pay taxes, liens and interest too thanks to Fanny Mae they back Your bank you're all nuts.

joker. You were supposed to take those out of the deck. Oh, sorry. Here's another one. What is this card? "Rules for Draw and Stud Poker?" What a pity, Mr. Bond. But-- Well, it was Homer's fault. I didn't lose. I never lose. Well, at least tell me the details of your plot for world domination. I'm not going to fall for that one again.

Shh! Don't shush me, you rich bastard!

than a NASA relief map of Turkmenistan. Isn't that the voice that caused all those suicides?

Not the face! Ah, they'll be chewing on him for a while. ¡Ay, Ay, Ay! ¡La policÍA!

What the-- D-oh !

Bart, Lisa, come here for a minute. You know, son, the day you were born I received the greatest gift a man could have. As the years went by your mother and I were blessed twice more and not a day goes by we don't thank God for all three of you.

I’ve been around Scotsmen.

Why eat hamburger when you can have steak? I'm taking my name off this thing. So, how you doin', Ned? Oh, it's been a hard couple of months, but I feel like I've turned a corner. Well, that's all gonna change, thanks to this tape! Tape? Now the audio needs some tweaking, and there's some footage of Maggie being born that I couldn't get rid of.

(CHOKING) (GRUNTING) Homer, we've gotta get Lisa! All right. While I'm gone, boy, you think about what you did. (GRUNTS) What did I do? You... Why, you little... (CHOKING) You need a reason for strangling, do you...

Hi, Homie. It's really starting to snow. I think you should come home. But, Marge, Alan Thicke is throwing knives at Ricardo Montalban. Ow. Sorry, Ricardo. Take it easy, folks. It's "snow" picnic out there. I "snow" what you mean. You're deadweight, Marty.

When someone becomes an inconvenience, we just get rid of them? Hello? Is anybody there? Aww! All right. We'll give the dogs one more chance.

You did this, Bart Simpson! The man knows quality work. This time you're in for it, Bart.

Sorry, pal. Doh !

Look what you've done. You wanted to be popular. Now you're the most hated boy in town.

Oh, you have got to be kidding, sir. First you think of an idea that has already been done. Then you give it a title that nobody could possibly like. Didn't you think this through? ...on the best-seller list for 18 months! Every magazine cover had it! ...most popular movies of all time, sir! What were you thinking? I mean, thank you. Come again.

No. You must not blame yourself, Reverend. You must blame that little boy. He started it all.

Look, there's only one reasonable way to settle this-- rock, paper, scissors. Poor, predictable Bart. Always takes rock. Good old rock. Nothing beats that. - Rock. - Paper. D'oh!

If you're gonna get mad at me every time I do something stupid, then I guess I'll just have to stop doing stupid things. Good. Fine. I'll never ever do another stupid thing.

Mmm! Mmm! Need more lap. (GULPING) OTTO: Whoa!

So, Lisa, do you have a date for the Harvest Dance? This is not a good time. It's never a good time.

Marge, if you please. julius! Clancy! Skinner! Seymour! Mother. - Patty? - Cletus!

Quit running, Son. I just wanna give you a big hug. It's gotta be a trick. Run like the wind. I believe in you! Hug me! Ow! Will you hug me? Hug me!

Besides, if we wanna see Japanese people, - we could have gone to the zoo. - Homer! What? The guy who washes the elephants is japanese. His name is Takashi. He's in my book club.

That's it, I'm out of here.

Oh, my God! I killed the mayor. All right, stay calm. I'll just use the body to stage an elaborate farce À la Weekend at Bernie's and-- Help. Help. His corpse is climbing the building. I'm alive, you idiot. Pull me in. Okay. Wait a second.

Now for my next illusion, I'll need a volunteer. I'll do it! I always end up doing it.

All I can do is give you one name-- Edgar Neubauer. Find him and you'll find your answer. No Edgar Neubauer.

Maggie, can you point to the monkey? What do babies know? Maggie, can you point to the credenza? D'oh! Homer, you didn't do... a very good job frosting Maggie's birthday cake.

Marge, I-- Damn it, where's that card? What card? I wrote down what I was going to say on a card. Stupid thing must have fallen out of my pocket. Is this it? What's it say?

Oh, gotta go. Innocent! Dad, you did it! I am so proud of you!

He's dead. Oh, this is terrible. Now who do we give the money to? I guess we'll just have to haul the check back to headquarters. Too bad we couldn't just give it to these nice folks. Forget it, Ed. Do you know what it costs to sign over a check this big? Why, the wealth transfer fee would run at least a hundred dollars a head.

Oh, forget it. Turn on the lasers. Aah! My vision. That's it. Show's over. Good night, Springden. There will be no encores. They were only on for 20 minutes.

Here we-- I'll just-- Hey! Get away from my car! Uh-oh. This way. Uh-oh.

Because you need me, Springfield. Your guilty conscience may force you to vote Democratic. But deep down inside, you secretly long... for a coldhearted Republican to lower taxes, brutalize criminals... and rule you like a king! That's why I did this-- to protect you from yourselves!

Well, here we are.

I'll get your coat. No! No what? I don't wanna turn out that way. What way, angel pie? Like you!

Right about here I realize something's wrong. Yep. There I go. Then came the rocks-- jagged rocks, hitting me with their jags. The sequence became an instant comedy classic. But what the audience didn't see was the unfunny aftermath.

Out of my way, jerk-ass!

Ninety-seven, 98, 99, 100! (CHEERING) Thank you. Vote for me for best in show.

I'm just passionate, like all us Greeks. No, you're angry. Look, you're punching the cat right now. Oh, I am-- Oh, my gosh, you're right! I'm a rage-aholic. I just can't live without rage-ahol!

Or so I thought. At the last moment, Smithers, drunk as a lemur, lurched out of the darkness and fired! That's right. Right before I shot jasper. Hmm. I was busy that night.

- Out back. - So, anyway, I says to Mabel. I says--

Look under the frame, Brad. Careful. Careful. Whoops. It's there! Hmm. "To Roger Myers. Keep drawing. "Your moxie more than makes up for your lack of talent. Your pal, Chester J. Lampwick. September 3, 1919."

Look at that! I'm the first non-Brazilian person to travel backwards through time. Correction, Homer. You're the second. That's right, Mr. Peabody. Quiet, you.

Hey, what's goin' on? Hey, this thing's cuttin' off my air! Oh! What are you doing to me? I said start it at 60 r.p.m., then move it up to 100 on the skirt blow! - Sorry, Krusty, I choked. - You choked? You choked?

Why must life be so hard? Why must I fail in every attempt at masonry? How's your father's project coming along? I think he's almost done. Yeah, he's done.

Many interesting and important things have been put into boxes over the years. Textiles, other boxes, even children's candy. Do any of these boxes have candy in 'em? No. Will they ever? No. We only make boxes to ship nails.

Sunrise, sunset. Sunrise, sunset. Sunrise, sunset. Sunrise, sunset. Sunrise, sunset. Sunrise, sunset. Note to self: Stop doing anything.

Aim for the body, men. Right, Chief.

He can talk! He can talk! I can sing

They must be exterminated as quickly and gruesomely as possible.

Cool. Uh-oh. Eek!

you'll see where our water rejoins the rest of nature's biosphere. Hey, Bart, our dad says your dad is incompetent. What does incompetent mean ? It means he spends more time yakking and scarfing down doughnuts than doing his job. Oh, okay. I thought you were putting him down.

So the next time somebody tells you carny folk are good, honest people you can spit in faces for me. If you'll excuse me I'm profiling my dad for the school paper.

It's a three-pronged attack. Subliminal, liminal, and super liminal. Super liminal? I'll show you. Hey, you! Join the navy! Uh, yeah, all right. I'm in. Well, now that you know, Lisa, I'm afraid I can't let you leave. Oh.

Relax. It's just a simulator. Nothing can go wrong. Just poke blindly at the controls until they let you go. Oh! Ohh! Oh, no. No! This can't be happening!

Okay, let's see if we've learned anything. I want you two to simulate a typical household problem. Go. Uh, Pa, I cut myself on the screen door again. Why, you cotton-pickin'--

So the children learned to function as a society. And eventually, they were rescued by, oh, let's say Moe.

Well, the kids have to learn about Tek War sooner or later. Go away, Bart. This is not a good time. I saw you two fighting.

Now, do you have extruded polyvinyl foam insulation? No. Good. Assemble the aluminum j-channel using self-furring screws. Install. What do I do in case-- After applying brushable coating to the panels-- Wait a minute. you'll need corrosion-resistant metal stucco lath. Wait a minute! If you can't find metal stucco lath--

It's Homer Simpson. Tell him I went out. He needs you to help Ned Flanders. Ned is in trouble?!

But before Lisa died, she made this tape that I think you should hear. Dear Moe, if anything should ever happen to me, I want you to tear up my dad's tab, and pour cocktail onions-- Dad, I can't. Read it! Pour cocktail onions down your pants.

Dear Marge, xxx--

I'm not gonna stand for this. I'm gonna call the newspapers, the TV stations, the gas stations, everybody!

Whoa. You've got my number on that one, buddy. This is a smart group.

Why are you laughing? Hey. They're laughing at your pain. That's mean.

The one who shot me was--

It's dignity! Gah! Don't you even know dignity when you see it?

Wow! Look at all the colors, man! Red, green, yellow, orange! I remember all of these! I'm freaking out! Hey, something's comin' back to me! Down with homework! And down with uniforms! Yea!

Barney, not you too! I'm not a zombie. But hey-- when in Rome.

I hate every ape I see From chimpan-A to chimpan-Z

is freebasing ground-up moon rocks. (SUCKING) All this does is get me to normal.

Fellow classmates, instead of voting for some athletic hero or a pretty boy, you have elected me, your intellectual superior, as your king. Good for you. Very well said. Now your king and queen will share their first royal dance.

I'm seeing double here. Four Krustys.

I gave him a couple of blintzes to paint my fence, but he never did it! Those blintzes were terrible. Paint my fence! Make me. You give me back those blintzes then!

Would it really be worth living in a world without television?

Hmm. That's odd. Usually the blood gets off at the second floor.

I certainly hope someone stabs him in the eye.

I'm Troy McClure. You might remember me from such films as Today We Kill, Tomorrow We Die, and Gladys, the Groovy Mule.

Can I please go to the nurse?

So what? It's not my job to make kids laugh. Yes, it is. You're a clown. Oh, without a Bar Mitzvah, I'm nothing! (SOBBING) Krusty, you can still have your Bar Mitzvah, as an adult. That'd be great. Are you sure that's kosher? There's nothing in the Talmud that forbids it.

Later, chickie-pie.

In many ways, Maude Flanders was a supporting player in our lives. She didn't grab our attention with memorable catchphrases... Or comical accents.

I don't like bothering people at home. Good fire. Good fire. Keep burning. Almost there. Just a little more. Oh, wait! No! Wait a second!

Bart, this is Patches. - And what was your name? - Poor Violet. Oh, I don't like where this is going. Your story made everyone at the orphanage so sad. We want you to have this dollar we were saving. Please, I don't deserve this. Hey, listen up, everybody.

I'll tell you what made this town great! Good, old-fashioned gumption! There's nothing here a little elbow grease won't fix! So let's roll up our sleeves... and--

Oh, mercy. Seriously, though, before we draw up the budget, I believe the students and faculty have a few suggestions. I want a crystal bucket for my slop water. Oh, and a brand-new filthy blanket.

Okay. Here we are. Alt dot nerd dot obsessive.

Homer sleep now. What's wrong with Dad? He's just exhausted. Lisa, do you know what it costs to keep a pony? No. Well, it's a lot. Your father had to take a second job. Poor guy. Where's he working? The Kwik-E mart.

Hey, kids, meet Grandpa Murphy! But we have three grandpas already. This one's a great jazz musician! Oh, they all are!

jealous? Well, no. We've got the same chair. You're jealous. Your membership pack.

Milhouse, I got a confession to make. I'm the one who narc'ed on your kissing. What?!

Next on Comedy Central, an all-new South Park. I hear those kids' voices are done by grown-ups. Hey, there's nothing wrong with that. I just wonder how they keep it so fresh after 43 episodes. I can't believe we paid to see a band...

Take a hike, Kojak!

Yeah, i want to send her two dozen roses. And I want to put something nice on the card, like, um-- Uh, "Renee, my treasure--" Hey, shut up, or I'll ram a stool down your throat! Uh, no. No, no. I don't want that on the card.

Dimwitted. Monstrously ugly. Nuts to this. I'll just go get Homer Simpson. I think Smithers picked me because of my motivational skills. Everyone always says they have to work a lot harder when I'm around. You know, Dad, assisting Mr. Burns could give your career a real shot in the arm.

As chairman of the P.T.A., I am de-didilly-lighted to take over, and I think I can put the "pal" back in principal. Yeah, and I'll put the "super" back in superintendent. It's the same exact joke. What gives, Leo?

God is angry. We've made a false idol of this Brad Goodman. No. You must not blame yourself, Reverend. You must blame that little boy. He started it all. Get him! Eep.

PRISONERS: Kill the rat! Kill the rat! PRISONERS: Kill the rat! PRISONERS: Kill the rat! What happened to the guards? PRISONERS: Kill the rat!

Hey, just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand.

If ifs and buts were candy and nuts-- - Uh, how does the rest of that go? - Please, just promise you won't buy an air conditioner till we've figured out a way to help Lisa.

Listen, you bloodsucker ! Has it ever occured to you... that old folks deserve to be treated like human beings whether they have money or not ?

We can all learn a lot from this young man here. This-This-- Rudiger. Rudiger. And if we can all be more like little Rudiger-- - His name is Bart. - His name isn't important.

Oh, there he is. And now, I must choose a beautiful partner for the big dance contest. Hmm. Hmm-hmm. No! Hmm.

Good Lord, what has become of the sport of kings? Get bent. That's my third monocle this week. I simply must stop being so horrified.

Happy birthday to you Happy birthday - Happy birthday to you - Happy birthday Happy birthday, Burnsie Happy birthday to you Go to hell, you old bastard.

Hey, Marge, what were your gambling losses last year? Seven hundred dollars. They took my money, they wrecked my show, they buried a bunch of stinking veterans in my family plot, but at least I still got my memories.

Serious injuries. Oh, that's gold.

Bart, I hope you won't bear some sort of simpleminded grudge against me. I was merely trying to fend off the desecration of the school building. - Eat my shorts. - Pardon ?

Are you hiding something from me? Like what? judging from your song, you're infatuated... with a woman named Mindy or a man named Andy.

Big enough for two.

Can I play "Hemorrhoid Sufferer Number One"? Ooh! Oh, that hurts! Aah! Oh, is there no relief? I don't think so. Well, how about one of the "after" guys? Ahh! Oh, that's better. - I can ride a bike again! - Sorry. Ohh.

Dad, it's in there again! No! It's stuck on my hand! This shouldn't be too hard to fix-- with the right tools.

Hmm, with little tiny baby-sized gifts. Well, I'll be in the tub. By the way, congratulations on your new job, Homer. New job? Marge is pregnant?

You're nothing but a pack of fickle mush-heads. He's right. Give us hell, Quimby.

And that something was barbershop. Good-bye good-bye my coNey island baby That's my son up there! What, the balding fat-ass? Uh, no, the Hindu guy.

see my vest see my vest see my vest like my loafers former gophers

Can we see the elephant? We'll pay you money. For the ninth time, no! Wait a minute. This gives me an idea. Mm, here's a better sign, Dad. I don't have time to read it. just give me the gist of it, Son.

j A West End town A dead-end world) w' East End boys West End girls j

I said take off those damn glasses!

Stuff like that-- Ohh! Look, kids. I just got my party invitations back from the printers. "Come to Homer's BBBQ. The extra 'B' is for BYOBB." What's that extra "B" for? That's a typo. Dad, can't you have some other kind of party? One where you don't serve meat?

Why, look at that disgraceful beast. Good Lord, what has become of the sport of kings? Get bent. That's my third monocle this week. I simply must stop being so horrified.

Ooh ! Look at this one. "The Hammer of Thor: It will send your pins to... Val-halla." Lisa ? Valhalla is where Vikings go when they die. Oh. That's some ball. Good morning, everybody.

Move it, chowderhead! We call it Three Stooges syndrome. So what you're saying is I'm indestructible.

Isn't this fun, honey? It must be exciting to make a different set of beds. I know you're joking, but it is! Say, why don't you put on your swimsuit and head for the beach? Well, it's kind of funny. With all the craziness and confusion and meshuggaas of packing, I forgot to pack!

Listen to your mother, kids. Aim low. Aim so low, no one will even care if you succeed.

Hot! Hot! D'oh! Oh, my God! It's burning up! Beer! Beer! Give me some beer! Homer! You promised you wouldn't drink. But I need it!

Oh, I'm gonna lose my job just 'cause I'm dangerously unqualified!

Your mission is to find the fireworks smugglers... and get them to say something incriminating on this tape. "Hootie and the Blowfish"? Yeah. It's cheaper than blank tape.

Make me! I'll make you! If you want me, you gotta catch me! Almost. Oh, so close. Bart! Son of a-- Oh, my God!

But now I'm here to tell you about a remarkable new invention. Until now, this was the only way to get juice from an orange. You mean there's a better way? But that's all changed-- thanks to the juice Loosener.

Happy birthday!

That's me! Safety dance! You can dance You can dance Everybody look at your pants But while Homer Simpson has made our babies safe,

- Come on, live a little. - No, thank you.

Stop everything! I don't remember writing a check for bowling. Sir, that's a check for your boweling. Oh, yes. That's very important. Yes, sir. Remember that month you didn't do it? Yes, that was unpleasant for all concerned. Anyway, back to the checks. Stop everything! I don't remember writing a check for bowling. Hmm.

Bart, open you heart. I admit I have some mighty big shoes to fill. Big shoes to fill. Big shoes to fill. Big shoes to fill. Big shoes to fill. Big shoes to Fill. Big shoes to Fill. Big shoes to fill--

with a number he calls "Kernel knowledge." I'm hot buttered check it and see I got A fever of 453 I'm hot so very hot Four?

TV's there, bathroom's there, and there's your king-sized bed for-- Hubba-hubba. Stop that! I love my wife and family. All I'm gonna use this bed for is sleeping, eating and maybe building a little fort. That's it!

We better find a motel and stop for the night. We don't need to do that, Marge. I'm not tired. I'm not tired at all. Whew. I'm glad that wasn't us.

Oh, Daddy! This tastes like Grandma! Holy Moses! It does taste like Grandma!

Oh, what a day. Maybe the headlines will cheer me up. That's opinion, not news! That guy's hilarious. I especially like his white shirt and blue pants.

Oh, Warren, I know your dad is in prison, but don't you fret. A special celebrity dad has been arranged for ya. But my older brother would like-- Sorry, but I'm afraid Ernest Borgnine has already been confirmed. Hiya! I'm sure you kids know me best... as Sergeant Fatso judson in From Here to Eternity.

Eating animals is wrong.

It's the first annual montgomery burns award For... Outstanding achievement in... The field of excellence!

I've got two tickets to paradise Won't you pack your bags and leave tonight I've got two tickets to paradise I've got two tickets to paradise

- No, no. Hey! - Whoops. Bar, my motor's gone loco! Oh, the birdhouse! My prize orchids!

Here's your special delivery. Thanks. That's for keepin' me waiting. Hey, Lise, guess who's got a genuine... Itchy & Scratchy animation cel? Oh! That is so cool! That is so exciting! That is so-- Crappy.

But this has gone too far. Please, just let it be. No, I can't. This is my cause. I'm like the man who single-handedly built the rocket and went to the moon. What was his name? Apollo Creed? Please, let's just go to sleep. No. I refuse to share a bed with someone who thinks I'm crazy.

Well, most women will tell you that you're a fool... to think you can change a man. But those women are quitters! What?

Spin-off! Is there any word more thrilling to the human soul? Hi, I'm Troy McClure. You may remember me from such TV spin-offs as Son of Sanford and Son and After Mannix. I'm here at the Museum of TV and Television... with a real treat for Simpsons fans, if any,

Look. See? You’re fine, and then- Whoops. Uh-oh. Look out. I know this looks bad, but if you reverse it, Daddy's a hero. See? Watch. I saved you!

- Bart, what are you staring at ? - Uh, nothing. He didn't say it, and neither did I, but at that moment, my dad and I were closer than we'd ever-- Bart, stop it ! Sorry. To everything, turn, turn - I need some money a lot of money Ah.

Hey, Billy, hey, joey-- Come on in. There's plenty of room. Sorry. Not you, Homer. Why not? But you let in Homer Glumpet.

Hey, who unplugged my freezer? Return to your state of living death at once, sir. Is that you, Apu? Whoa! Time has ravaged your once-youthful looks.

Homer simpson, I've got a, uh, special delivery for you. Go away. If you do not open the door, Mr. Simpson, I cannot give you your... special delivery.

Behold the rarest of the rare, the mythological two-headed hound, born with only one head. Ooh, and here, out of the mists of history, the legendary esquilax, a horse with the head of a rabbit...

To the most beautiful moment in life. Better than the deed, better than the memory-- the moment of anticipation.

Damage report, Mr. Moe. Sonar, out. Navigation, out. Radio, out. Enough of what's out. What's in? Ice-blended mocha drinks and David Schwimmer. Yes, he is handsome in an ugly sort of way.

You can't take our doughnuts! Yaah! Right. Anyone else want to be a hero? Ooh.

Hello, everybody! Sparkle, sparkle. Bart! An earring. How rebellious. In a conformist sort of way. What on earth possessed you to get an earring? Milhouse has one. If Milhouse jumped off a cliff-- Milhouse jumped off a cliff? I'm there.

Ovulate, damn you. Ovulate! You are out of sperm. Hey, baby. Remember me?

I regret nothing!

Oh, WOW. I can't believe my very first passenger is comedy legend, Mel Brooks. I loved that movie, Young Frankenstein. Scared the hell out of me. Uh, thanks. Hey. Let's do that 2,000-pound man thing. I'll be that Carl Reiner guy, and you be what's-his-face.

Why is he performing the duties of a roadie? Am I saying that right? "Roadie"r?

"Barclay, Barry, Bert, Bort!"

Jingle bells jingle bells Bart! Why are you doing that?

I'm happy to announce... that another union has joined us in a sympathy strike. The Piano Tuners Local 412! Piano tuners?

Oh. Yes! Whoo-Whoo! Three liberty bells! That will be $10,000, Apu. Congratulations, Mr. Homer. Thank you. If I could see the ticket... There it is. Please to be removing your thumb. No. Yes, please. I must insist. No. No.

I don't understand. If I wanted to see a man eat an orange, I would have taken the orange-eating class. The eating of an orange is a lot like a good marriage. just eat the damn oranges!

In fact, I left the town meeting early so I could get home in time. Oh, I gotta run, or I'll miss the opening rank-out. You better get out of my way, please.

Standing tall on the wings of my dream Rise and fall on the wings of my dream (HOMER SCREAMING)

On the other hand, monkey see, monkey do. Kids are the best, Apu. You can teach 'em to hate the things you hate. And they practically raise themselves, what with the Internet and all. Well, perhaps it is time. I've noticed this country is dangerously underpopulated.

Hey, Bart got any new tricks for us today? just one. A little something I call "Plucking the Pickle." I build up a little steam, and... I didn't do it.

Good-bye. Sorry. I'm sure Bart will be back. I would say something comforting, but, you know, my voice. Let's go ! If I'm not back at the home by 9:00, they declare me legally dead and collect my insurance ! Homer, this is a terrible thing that's happened.

I said, "Whoo-hoo."

Hey, it's Bart. And he's doing stuff.

Here you go, Bart. It's a longshot, but that's all I can do without learning ancient Hebrew. Bart, I am not going to learn ancient Hebrew.

Willie. Sometime over the holiday weekend, the beloved grade-four gerbil, uh, Superdude, lost his life. I need you to air out the classroom and give Superdude a proper burial. Gah! Eh, you're lucky you're getting a decent burial.

"Bart is a vampire." "Beer kills brain cells." Now, let's go back to that... building thingy... where our beds and TV... is.

Move it, bub! We got an installation to "installate."

Okay. Go, boy! Go find help. Go find help, boy. No! Bad dog! Bad dog!

What do you hit 'em with? There's no mallet. You can stop Satan with your faith. My face? You callin' me ugly? No, no, no, no. I think you're beautiful. Oh, that's it!

Bart, we did it! Now we get to keep our house, and you get to go back to the fourth grade! Tomorrow we were gonna find out who the dish ran away with. - The spoon, Bart. - Of course! Oh-- Someday I'll have my vengeance.

Yes, sir. It was a beautiful Sunday afternoon. I was playing in my wholesome childlike way, little realizing that I was about to be struck down by the luxury car of death. Defenseless child at 3:00.

Lousy piece of junk! Hey! I got that for my birthday. Now I have to face stupid reality again. Flanders! My socks feel dirty. Give me some water to wash 'em.

and the presents. I'm really sorry. You little-- Lisa, no! Your hands are too weak. Stop that. I'm gonna kill him. No, I'm killing him first.

And that is that. Guess who, fat boy!

Hey, Chief, can I hold my gun sideways? It looks so cool.

Frankly, I'll be quite relieved when we get back to England, and we won't have to deal with them. Are you saying we won't see my family again? Well, possibly your mother will come when the children are born. I can't believe I'm hearing this! - I don't want to cut my family out of my life! - Really?

Whoo-ooh-ooh. Euw! Mom! This whole thing is really creepy. Are you sure you won't talk to Dad? I'd like to, honey, but I'm not sure how. Your father can be surprisingly sensitive. Remember when I giggled at his Sherlock Holmes hat?

I heard your dad went into a restaurant and ate everything in the restaurant, and they had to close the restaurant.

drinking beer in Maggie's kiddie pool. Hmm? There you are. Thought you could get away, huh?

Strike, eh? Ow! My bones are so brittle. But I always drink plenty of-- "Malk"?

What's going on? Wh-Why am I on a japanese box? Oh, my God! What is that?

You try to open the door, but there's too much blood on the knob--

Bart created a ruckus on a Hawaiian Airline jet, attacking several flight attendants. While he was in rehab, the part of Bart Simpson was played... by his good friend Richie Rich. Bart, what do you mean you have jury duty? Don't have a cow, Mother. Fans reacted to these... slapdash episodes with yawns.

Homer, stop that. It's just a weather station. Come on, Marge. It's fun to smash things. I smashed it good. You got real "Purdy" hair.

His name isn't Bigfoot. His name is Homer. What does it eat ? I don't understand. What's this all about ? Well, I suppose pork chops are his favorite.

You know, they said the same thing about Urkel. That little snot boy. I'd like to smack that kid!

(SOBS) (TIRES SQUEALING) (SCREAMING) Car! Car what? Car is the subject, but I don't know the verb.

Oh, we don't assemble them here. That's done in Flint, Michigan. Any of your workers had their hands cut off by machinery? No. And then the hand started crawling around and tried to strangle everybody? No, that has never happened. Any popped eyeballs?

- How's Dad today? - Not too good, Lisa. Frankly, he's underneath the table. Nobody make me any breakfast. A man so deeply in debt doesn't deserve it. But I like to make you breakfast. In that case, I'll just have French toast with double butter and a side of bacon.

Nobody upstages Little Vicki.

Shh! Ooh, I hear this really sucks.

Hey, Dad. What's the word from planet Crackpot? Oh, I suppose you're going to mock me too.

Man, this whole place puffs of the wacky-tabbacky. I'm out of here. Going somewhere? Uh, though you're free to do so. Uh--

Why'd you dis the flag? It partied on the moon! Weren't we afraid of him just a few days ago? We're complex. All right, who can take a story and blow it way out of proportion? I'm your man, boss! I want you to over-hype this story so much, it makes the New York Post look like The New York Times.

Hey, 700 Club. You look like a healthy specimen. Well, I did finish first in the Walk for the Cure of homosexuality.

Uh, I didn't mean to. Huh. It just slipped out. Oh, God! Now Penn's gonna beat me. Folks, it's all part of the act. No, it isn't. Don't leave me alone with him! You've ruined the act! I'm gonna kill you! He'll do it. I'm not the first Teller. Remember, Springfield: Keep on swingin'! Hey, come here!

Good night, Mrs. Bouvier, wherever you are.

Wait a minute. That was Prince of Tides. Five, six, seven, eight. What are you kids playing? Counting game. Oh, that's nice. Nine, 10.

Hey, look! I can see my voice!

Lobsters need saltwater. I'm way ahead of you. Dad, the fish! Son, I'm still fine-tuning. Uh, uh-- Uh-oh. Uh. Uh. Perfect.

This was my fiancee, Gertrude. I was working so hard, I missed our wedding, our honeymoon and our divorce proceedings. She died of loneliness. Loneliness and rabies.

Step away from the wall! Step away from the wall! Oh, it's so beautiful! One churro, please. That'll be $14. Here.

You know, Simpson, you're not as objectionable as you seemed when we first met. No, sir, I am not.

Okay. Aah! There was A little Spanish flea A record star he thought he'd be he heard Of singers like beatles the chipmunks he'd seen on tv... Why not A little Spanish fleA? and so he...

SeÑor MacGyver, you saved our village. Don't thank me. Thank the moon's gravitational pull.

Wait. Only that ship is going to Mars. Ours is headed for the sun. Yeah. Ain't that a kick in the teeth? I mean, my shows weren't great, but I never tied people up and forced 'em to watch. And I could've, 'cause I'm a big guy, and I'm good with knots. So we're all gonna die? Afraid so. But hey, the grub's pretty good, huh?

It's a beautiful day to kick your ass! You die now!

You’re Baby Stink Breath! You’re Baby Stink Breath! En francais. Vous étes i 'entant Stink Breath!

Bart. You're up early. I couldn't sleep. What's wrong? There was no burglar. No burglar? What does he mean, no burglar? I accidentally burned up the tree... and the presents.

Right. You go over and wow them. I hide in the shrubs. Hot stuff comin' through. My friendship-- You know you want it.

just take it! Take it, take it, take it, take it, take it! Take it!

'Cause it says "Hammermill" over here. Um, no. Shh! English - US - Line 21

Public transportation is for jerks and lesbians.

Homer, you moron. Homer, you genius! Geronimo! Huh?

Wow. It's almost like seeing into the future. Hey, what is this goo? You tryin' to grow a friend? Hey, you built a model city. Is that the school? Whoops, my finger slipped. Whoops, my finger slipped. Whoops, my finger slipped. Bart! Stop it!

Hens love roosters geese love ganders everyone else loves Ned Flanders

Moris: You die! You've mastered a dead tongue! But can you handle a live one?

Oh, oh, oh! You're so not listening! Okay, i hear that. i hear that, dudes!

baby, won't you help me understand oooh

I went down Mount Everest on a boogie board. Wow. Climbed Niagara Falls. Ooh! Oh! And just last month, I knocked out Muhammad Ali. Oh, how awful. But this is the biggest thrill ever-- the opening of my 112th store!

Well, it better be first class. Comic Book Guy's ass won't fit in coach. You may keep my posterior. Just please return the "Jabba the Butt" tattoo.

I'm sorry, Mr. Blackbeard. We're low on chairs, and this is the last one. Arr! This chair be high, says I.

Look at him squirm. You care to dance ? She wants you, Homer. Go for it, Homer !

No, I'm not. I suck. It's true. He does. Yeah, he does. Don't listen to them, Son. I have total faith in you. You don't get it, do you? I don't want to be your stupid quarterback! I quit! What?

Who wants chocolate ice cream? Me! Me! Me, me!

D'oh! - D'Oh! - D'Oh! Whoo-hoo!

It makes my blood boil-- and my left arm feel numb. Also, I taste copper. Quick! Someone perform C.P.R.! I see a bad moon risin' That's C.C.R.

Go Crazy? Don't mind if I do! Stay away from me, Homer! Give me the bat, Marge. Give me the bat.

Spare some salt, tubby? Tubby? Yoink. Hey, that's mine! Hey. Like we say in my county, "Hasta la vista, baby."

Oh, my God. It's our high school prom-- And once again I have no date. Simpson. Hello, Dondelinger. You're not on the guest list, Simpson. Orders of prom king Ziff. And have you been drinking? Just for 25 years. Let's go, mister.

Hey, I "winna" the race! Viva Italia! Folks, our winner seems to be from Italy.

All right, I think we've heard just about enough from Mr. Newspaper today.

Slow down Buckle up Take the time, rehearse Always safety first

Not tonight. I said, not tonight. Wait. Something's wrong. Why aren't you pressuring me for sex?

on top of the doughnut in an attempt to pass them off as sprinkles. Well, it was like that when I got here. It really was! A Mounds bar is not a sprinkle. A Twizzler is not a sprinkle. A jolly Rancher is not a sprinkle, sir. Perhaps in Shangri-la they are, but not here. Oh.

- Wait! Otto. - Otto! Not so fast, bus boy. Man, what am I smoking? Oh, yeah. Pot. Thanks, Mom.

They each claim ownership of this pie. Hmm. The pie shall be cut in two. And each man shall receive... death. I'll eat the pie.

Ahh! Do you ever think anything you don't say?

Young man, your gargantuan cone... is making a mockery of our self-serve policy. Bart, look. It's Principal Skinner, and I think he's gone crazy. He's not wearing a suit or tie or anything. Principal Skinner, um, I'm real sorry about my dog getting you fired...

As you can see, Simpson, I have taken over all 78 channels, and you won't see any of your favorite shows again until you give in! Whoa! That bites. Holy crap!

Free sample of fabric softener? Whoo-hoo!

I think Bart and Lisa are feeling a little upset right now. Isn't there something you'd like to say? There sure is. Kids, you tried your best, and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try. Right in the butt. That was great.

Oh, no, boys. Not the can, please. Doh !

Who wears short shorts Shh!

Mr. Mayor, you claim to be faithful to your wife. But I have obtained this exclusive videotape. (NERVOUS GROAN) Come on, baby, read my sash. You're the "major"? That's "mayor," you fertile moron! Two things are certain. The mayor is in deep trouble.

Kids, Itchy and Scratchy can't be here today. But instead, we've got the next best thing. It's The Stingy and Battery Show! They bite and light and bite and light and bite You know what I'm talking about. Uh-oh.

That's discipline. That's like telling Gene Krupa not to go-- Hmm. Lack of discipline. I'm beginning to see the problem.

Dental plan! Lisa needs braces. Dental plan! Lisa needs braces.

I hope I Will enjoy my show Lisa. Lisa! Lisa, come back before everyone finds out what a horrible father I am!

the ring Came off my pudding can take my pen knife my good man I swear it's springfield's only choice throw up your hands and raise your voiCe monorail what's it called - Monorail - Once again monorail but main street's still all cracked and broken

Oh, Andy Capp. You wife-beating drunk. Ooh! There's going to be a town meeting to decide...

Cool! I call the Flintstone phone! Yabba dabba doo! I like talkin' to you!

Oh. Don't worry, Maggie. I'll think of something. Who's that little baby?

Hey, this is Homer Simpson saying howdy... to all the girls out there in radio land. Hey, this is Homer Simpson saying-- I don't sound like that, do I?

"Give me five bees for a quarter," you'd say.

What the hell are you smiling at? Oh. Now, in case all that smiling didn't cheer you up, there's one thing that never fails: a nice glass of warm milk, a little nap and a total frontal lobotomy.

What's that name again? I forgot. The name's poochie D. and I rock the telly i'm half Joe camel and A thIrd fonzarelli I'm the kung fu hippie from gangster city I'm A rappin' surfer you the fool I pity Ooh, Poochie is one outrageous dude.

She's murdered her brother! - And she's trying to dump the body in a harbor! - Well, duh! And as a griM finale, she intends to drown that poor caged baby! Oh, what's happening? Where am I? And she's on drugs! Give me the drugs, Lisa.

Car gone! Car gone! Yeah. We know that. Wh-Where has it gone to? Car gone! Car gone! Car gone!

I gotta go back. Fix future. This time I'm not gonna touch a thing.

The Springfield Police have told me that 91% of all traffic accidents... are caused by you six guys. I knew we could do it! Yeah, I know. I know. But the bad news is...

Why are you saying that? just screwin' with your mind.

Whoo, lovely desk. It would be too bad if someone-- Oh, I don't know-- didn't use a coaster! Such a nice tidy office. Maybe it's time you started living like a pig!

Edward the Penitent? I'm really, really, really sorry. I'm afraid sorry doesn't cut it with this pope. Oh-ho.

I was gonna put buttresses in. Gonna, wanna, shoulda. Willie, destroy it.

Hey, everybody! Who thinks Flanders should shut up? So, anyone here from Evergreen Terrace? I think this is the best neighborhood in town. Anybody agree with me? You're the king, Homer! King of the neighborhood!

Now, make no mistake. When I say "first aid," I'm not talking about some sort of charity rock concert.

No, wait. That wasn't a trick. I was gonna juggle chickens.

by Abraham Simpson!

Will you forget the report ? He's down at the rescue mission. We checked. He's long gone. Can you think of any reason he might have run away ? Anything at all ? Well, we did kind of yell at him... and sent him to his room... and tried to force him to apologize to his sister.

Folks, when you're right 52% of the time you're wrong 48% of the time.

Hey, that really sucked!

And to keep the show's animators, editors, staff and hangers-on from leaking the solution, two completely different endings were produced. One real, one phony.

Let the destruction begin ! Hey, they forgot my corn dog !

I'm considerable hungry. We got any food left? Hmm. Looks like we're out of corn pone, fatback, hardtack, fat pone, "corntack." Any "tackback"? "Tackback"? - I mean "backtack." - Plumb out.

Sir Ian McKellen! You're my favorite Shakespearean actor. Thank you, my dear. Please take these free tickets to my play. What? What play? We thespians believe it's bad luck to mention the name of this particular play out loud. You mean Macbeth?

Oh, it's a donkey. Shh. They'll hear us. They didn't hear us in the sewing room.

What? How dare you!

That was the first time I ever saw Itchy and Scratchy, and I didn't like it one bit! It was disgusting and violent! I think all you people are despicable! For shame!

Homer, Bart, Lisa, Maggie, stop it !

There is A man there is A man A certain man A certain man A man whose grace and handsome face are known across the land you know his name you know his name it's Mr. Burns it's Mr. Burns He loves A smoke enjoys A joke

Back into the chamber turning, all my soul within me burning, soon again I heard a tapping, something louder than before. Surely-- Said I. Surely that is something at my window lattice. Let me see, then, what thereat is, and this mystery explore. Open here I flung the shutter, when, with many a flirt and flutter,

Pop, what are you gonna do? Something I should have done a long time ago. You don't know, do you? No, ma'am.

that's what osaka seafood concern is all about Well, this sucks. What else is on?

Yeah. We ran out of floorboards there, so we painted the dirt. Pretty clever! Oh, something is definitely wrong with this hallway. Come on in! It's your master bedroom! Ow! My nose! Well, I've seen about enough.

My mother's inside, Mrs. Simpson. Please go right on in. Oh, you speak so politely to adults. My upbringing was painfully strict, ma'am. That's sweet. And, finally, Moe's Tavern has contributed a coupon... as their way of saying "Welcome to Springfield." Thank you. This is all so nice.

He says what we're all thinking. I'm not thinking that.

And he'll do it while attempting to open a locked safe... on his head. Any volunteers? Ooh, ooh, ooh! Pick him. Pick him. Homer, no. I wanna do something exciting, but I can't just go from zero to 30 like that. I-i could be killed. Fine. I'll do it.

Lisa, we're not supposed to see each other before the wedding. It's tradition.

Smithers, I'm licked. You open this can. Okay, but you softened it up for me. Hold it, Smithers. I'll open the can. But, sir, how? To the mall! I'll explain on the way.

What are we laughing at ?

Ooh! Why didn't you say so?

Having two wives could have its advantages. Chop, chop, dig, dig. Chop, chop, dig, dig. Chop, chop, dig, dig. You know, Homie, there's so much more... two wives could do for you. I hear digging, but I don't hear chopping.

An intruder! He will pay the ultimate price. Yes. The ultimate price. Get outta here!

Here you go, Bart. Hmm. "Springfield Kozy Kort Motel, room 26. How 'bout it ? Flash."

But there's nothing funny about... vapor lock. It's the third most common cause of car stallings. So please, take care of your car and get it checked. I'm joe Namath. Good night. Scully, you're cut.

Mrs. Crabapple, that was uncalled for.

People think there are only five members of Spinal Tap but they're wrong. Could we turn up the house lights? That was the cue to turn up the lights so we can tell the audience they're the sixth member of the freakin' group!

But his approach has been wrong from the beginning, as far as I'm concerned. Well, he's erratic. He tends to explode in the 7-8-9 frames. Actually, that was Pontiac, Michigan.

All clear, everyone! Dad, no! This may just be the eye of the hurricane. Relax. Can't you see how eerily calm it is? See? I told you it was over. Hmm. I don't remember a bowling alley being there--

a private club where gentlemen can play some cards and see a show-- Miss Belle, we're about to do our "Around the World" number, but Monte Carlo can't find her dice. Here you go, darlin'. Normally, we don't allow children in here, but your father was so insistent.

Jebus, where are you? Homer to jebus.

Ich bin ein gymnast!

Whoa, that was the caller from hell.

The Itchy and Scratchy Show Hmm?

The TV! Stop screaming, Homer. Quit trying to control me.

Well, me and my fourth-form chums think it would be quite corking... if you'd sign over your oil well to the local energy concern. Mr. Burns. Bah! It was naive of you to think I would mistake this town's... most prominent 104-year-old man for one of my elementary school students. I want that oil well. I've got a monopoly to maintain.

Duh, I'm the captain. My son is Bart. What an oaf. How embarrassing. I'm glad he's not my father.

Now, let's see what awaits me in the next life. First I was a tiger, a snake, a clod, a goat with a hat, then me-- oh-- a tapeworm, then assistant to Lorne Michaels. It's going to be a rough couple of lifetimes.

Please spare me. I'm not a murderer, I'm not. And I've never known the pleasures of a woman or a proper eating apple. Quiet, you. Ugh! There's cheese in my eel pie! This week in our Summer Hanging Series,

It's probably my imagination, but something about them didn't seem quite right. Really? Excuse me for just a moment. People, that was all wrong! Homer Simpson doesn't say "B'oh." He says--

Thanks for your help with the anchor, guys. Guys? That pig looks like Lenny. Hey! Mmm! That's the next best thing to eating Lenny.

"Ketchup." "Catsup." "Ketchup." "Catsup." "Catsup." k-- k-- Oh, I'm in way over my head. He's, uh, talking to the ketchup now.

Beer delivery. Sign here. No! It's you! Oh, boy! Gimme that!

That's the worst name I ever heard. Bye, joey jo-jo! Oh, what the hell? It's me.

Now, here's my "Everything's Okay" alarm. This will sound every three seconds... unless something isn't okay.

Big man! (GASPS) What? There's a ladybug in your hair. Get it out! Get it out! Got it. You're a good friend, Bart. The best you'll ever have. $1,000.

Close, but no doughnut, cops. This is Papa Bear. Put out an A.P.B. for a male suspect... driving a... car of some sort, heading in the direction of, uh, you know, that place that sells chili. Suspect is hatless. Repeat, hatless.

Okay, sugar plum. It's time to meet Mr. Funny Voice. Hello, I'll-- Oh, it's just air. Oh, come on! Hurry up! Okay, people. One, two, three.

De nada. If you ever need me, just ring.

So join America's favorite TV family... and a tiny green space alien named osmodiar that only Homer can see... on Fox this fall. It'll be out of this world. Right, Osmodiar? Damn straight, Troy, my man. Good night, America!

We are good together, Krusty. It makes me sad that you're getting the death penalty. Oh! Don't remind me. Okay, where do you wanna do this thing? Isn't it customary to have a trial? Oh, a wise guy, huh?

Mr. Sparkle, a joint venture of Matsumura Fishworks... and Tamaribuchi Heavy Manufacturing Concern. Hey, it was all a coincidence. Yup! There's your answer, fish bulb.

Oh, shush yourself. English - US - Line 21

Ahh, the Simpsons

They swiped my "pic-a-nic" basket. Think of the children!

Can I touch it? Sure. Go for the gusto. It's healing over my hand. It knows you're afraid. Hello. I would like to take advantage of your baby prison.

Dad, Bart ate a green bean during the blessing. How do you know unless you opened your eyes ? Eating is worse. - Is not. Is not. - Is too. Is too.

Ah, he could've killed this one days ago. The body is bloated and the face is rotten. (GRUNTS) It was five minutes ago, you twit! (GROANS)

No, Mother. It's just the northern lights. Well, Seymour, you are an odd fellow, but I must say you steam a good ham. Help! Help!

and talk show mainstay Dr. Joyce Brothers. I brought my own mike! Yes. Well. Homer, organized labor has been called a lumbering dinosaur. My director is telling me not to talk to you anymore. Whoo-hoo! Mr. Burns, you mentioned you wanted an opening tirade.

just read it, and you're a Shoo-in! "Hello, Mr.-- Kurns. I bad want... money now. Me sick." Ooh, he card reads good. "So pick, please, me, Mr. Burns." It's Kurns, stupid! No, it's not.

One man come in the name of love one man come and go Sit down! Sit down! You're ruining it for everyone!

I have never seen a good student take such a slide. Lisa, what are you rebelling against? What do you got?

What am I gonna do ? I've murdered us all ! I've murdered us all ! I've murdered us all ! Shut up ! Shut up ! Shut up ! D-oh ! D-oh ! D-oh !

Ah, it's about the same. Uh-oh! Look out, Smithers! I love this show.

Hmm. Nah. What the hell's this? Melvin and the Squirrels. Part of the rodent invasion of the early '60s. Stuck a feather in his cap and called it-- Rice-A-Roni Melvin!

I learned to read because of you, Principal Skinner. Sir, I baked you these raisin roundies. Principal Skinner, I got carsick in your office.

Yeah. You don't see many men driving the "F" Series.

That oughta hold the little S.O.B.s. Gabbo, quiet. Oh, I wouldn't wanna offend the little S.O.B.s. I wish you'd stop saying that. Hmm.

You will not be getting a tattoo for Christmas. Yeah. If you want one, you'll have to pay for it out of your own allowance. All right ! Homer ! "Yello." Marge, please. Who's this ? May I please speak to Marge ? This is her sister, isn't it ? Is Marge there ? Who shall I say is calling ? Marge, please.

I will not suffer your insubordination. There's been a shocking decline in the quality and quantity of your toadying, Waylon, and you will fall into line now! No. No, Monty, I won't. Not until you step back from the brink of insanity. I'll do no such thing! You're fired!

I was checking out the skirts at the local carnival... when I First saw her. Hey, handsome, wanna dunk the clown ? She did things your mother would never do, like have sex for money.

Oh, no, boys. Not the can, please. Doh !

I feel so empty, so alone, so couchless. Wow! The Spinemelter 2000. Give me full power. But, sir... Damn it!

Three-- Great. Great. just leave them right there on the floor on your way out. Okay, so, anyway-- Hmm.

Hi. Um-- Let me have one of those porno magazines, large box of condoms, a bottle of Old Harper, a couple of those panty shields... and some illegal fireworks... and one of those disposable enemas-- no, make it two.

Manjula, come quick! The octuplets said their first words. Mommy-- Will-- - You-- - Let-- - Daddy-- - Come-- - Back? - Cookie! Oh, they miss their father.

Whoo-hoo! I won!

Dad, the flash must have scrambled their circuits! What are you, the narrator? Just keep taking pictures! I'll get more cameras!

Hey, you ! Shut that door ! Stop it ! Put that away ! Oh ! Oh ! Oh ! Ow ! You young hellion, - Do you want me to take off my belt ? - Yeah. All right, I'll show you.

can warm you like A hug flaming moe's and hapPiness is just A flaming moe away happiness is just A flaming moe away

Oh, it might as well be in China.

Oh. So, I guess major muffins like yourselves all have dates, huh? You'd better believe it. Really? All of you? Uh, we all have dates, Lisa. Everyone does. Even me. Unbelievable! Whoa--

- Homer, did you remember to lock the front door of the house? - D'oh! Well, it's been two long trips, but we're finally almost there again. When you locked the front door, - did you remember to lock the back door? - D'oh! D'oh!

One thousand dollars. A thousand bucks ? I can't afford that ! Hmm. Well, we do have a product which is more in your price range. However, any hair growth you experience while using it... will be purely coincidental. A thousand bucks ?

You are not smarter than me! I'll see you in hell yet, Homer Simpson!

Well, Bart's been acting very strangely, and that pizza delivery truck has been parked across the street for two weeks. How long does it take to deliver a pizza? - Our cover's blown. - Let's roll.

We just spliced in some home movies. What do you think? Well, I'd rather reserve judgment until I-- Oh, my God! I'll mace you good! That is completely taken out of context! Why you little--

She hit the bottle pretty hard and lost her job. Hmm. Good. Does anyone else have a love story? Yes, I do, and just like your love stories, it's tragic and filled with hurt feelings... and scars that will never heal. It started, appropriately enough, with an innocent boy being embarrassed...

What's wrong with me I think you're crazy Want a second opinion You're also lazy Dr. Zaius, Dr. Zaius Dr. Zaius, Dr. Zaius Dr. Zaius, Dr. Zaius oh, Dr. Zaius Dr. Zaius, Dr. Zaius

I come before you today to solve a riddle... that has plagued mankind for centuries. What has four legs and ticks? A walking clock? A walking clock! I'd wager he has some variety of walking clock in that box. Bart, is it a walking clock? What? No, it's my dog.

Oh, look at all the rich people! Oh, look at that rich-- Shh! Don't shush me, you rich bastard!

Then we'll get rid of the record permanently! Hey, look how much Skinner makes. Twenty-five thousand dollars a year! Wow! Let's see. He's 40 years old, times 25 grand.

Can you spare a dime Half a million boots went sloggin' through hell I was the kid With the drum Empty. Bah !

Drastic action had to be taken to stop his war machine. I put Homer to bed, Abe. And now I'm going out. - It could be a late night. I'm meeting my destiny. - So long.

Hey, whets this? "Bart Sad."

Marge, didn't you want that vibrating chair? That was your idea. We should get a machine gun. We could hunt game, spell out things or ring in the new year. I really think we need to replace the washer and dryer.

I don't know. You certainly have a nice house here, ma'am. It must have taken you years to win all this stuff. Let me get you a coaster for those feet. Huh? Hey, check this out.

Shh. Shut up, Updike!

Burns ? Change the channel. You change it. No, you change it. I changed it last week. Fine. Be a jerk. Then we'll just sit here and watch it.

Oh, yeah. I'm a real expert. What is that, a six-barrel Holley carb? You betcha. Edelbrock intakes? Nothin' but. Myohoff lifters? Oh, yeah. I made that last one up. I see.

How long does it take to see this thing? I'm in a hurry. It's hard to say. Once you go in, you may never come out. Wow! One, please.

but the church could be doing so much more to reach out to people. Well, I don't see you volunteering to make things better. Well, okay, I will volunteer. I wasn't prepared for that.

For an evening or a week, there's no place like the mall. Food, fun and fashion-- the mall has it all. What? What did he say? Now, the key to great dancing is one word: tappa-tappa-tappa. Tappa-tappa-tappa.

(STAMMERING) Come on, son! You can fight this! Do the Bartman! Do the Bartman!

Ah, I just threw on an old rerun. No one will know the difference. Huh? Huh? Huh? Eh, children, remain calm. The Falkland Islands have just been invaded. I repeat, the Falklands have just been invaded! The disputed islands lie here, off the coast of Argentina.

Oh, here we go. Mm-hmm. Oh!

F.B.I., huh? Uh, excuse me. All right, they're on to us! Get him back to Sea World!

- Can I have this one? - No. Can... Lenny have it?

It's The Sou-ou-oul Mass Transit System. Give it to me. El yoyÓ es grande. ¡Ay, chihuahua! As you can see, Simpson, I have taken over all 78 channels, and you won't see any of your favorite shows again until you give in!

Then, please, help me help myself. Oh, all right. But only because you haven't outed Rod and Todd.

Slow down. Slow down! Alfred Hitchcock stole every idea I ever had! He came into my room and-- Who's been stealing your thoughts?

"Itchy runs afoul of an Irishman." Look out, Itchy! He's Irish! Come on, Itchy. Kill him! Kill that guy!

And the fact is, I haven't-- Uh-- Yes? Seymour, I think you'd better tell them. It's the only way to clear our names. Well, everyone,

Please don't kick me out. This society is everything to me. Please give me another chance. I've learned my lesson. I've learned my lesson. That's it. How can we punish him further?

- You win, Bart. - Lisa !

- Who are you? - Homer, I'm your guardian angel. I've assumed the form of someone you would recognize and revere-- Sir Isaac Newton. Sir Isa-who? Oh, very well.

Now, before you enter, you're going to have to make a very difficult choice. You're only allowed to take one parent with you. Mom. Love ya lots! Good-bye, Lisa. Remember me as I am-- filled with murderous rage!

Cletus, what does that say? That? That says, "I loves you, Brandine." Oh, Cletus. Tonight, you can knock me up again.

She was looking at Nelson! Lisa likes Nelson! She does not! Milhouse likes Lisa! He does not! janie likes Milhouse! She does not! Uter likes Milhouse! Nobody likes Milhouse! Lisa, you've got detention.

Stir up some controversy. Rattle a few cages. Hey, stop that! You'll never silence me! I'm the last angry man, Patterson-- a crusader for the little guy! Leave the bird alone! Never! Look, Simpson. I've been elected...

Why, you little-- Homie, you're all right! We're a family again! This calls for a celebration. We're all going to Hawaii.

Seymour! Are you looking at naked ladies? No, Mother.

Yeah, it's a crummy system, but what are you gonna do ?

Now, when the wealthy dowager comes in, the party's over, right? Wrong! Kill wealthy dowager.

Inside every hardened criminal beats the heart of a 10-year-old boy. And vice versa.

Dad, we did something very bad! Did you wreck the car? No. Did you raise the dead? Yes! But the car's okay? Uh-huh. All right, then.

Hey, Salvatore, guess who's here! Mr. Kookalamanza and-a some real ugly kid.

and a song that may never have existed... and a place I'm not sure I've ever been to. You're so sweet. Ooh, I feel all funny. I'm in love! No, wait, it's a stroke.

I wrongfully usurped Sergeant Skinner's position, and I suggest you consider him to replace me. Thank you. Well, now, I don't know. Skinner, do you know anything about being a principal? Well, it's been my lifelong ambition. And if a man pretending to be me could do it,

The king of splatter, Tom Savini! Good evening. Sorry, I had a really big dinner. Whoo! Dinner! But I'm sure one more french fry wouldn't hurt.

Okay, you twisted my arm. The Simpson story begins back in the old country. I forget which one exactly. My father would drone on and on about America. He thought it was the greatest thing since sliced bread, sliced bread having been invented the previous winter.

Oh, man, am I glad to get out of there! Whoo! Hey, calm down. You're wrinkling your church clothes. Who cares? This is the best part of the week. It's the longest possible time before more church. Church shouldn't be a chore. It should help you in your daily life. It should, but it doesn't. Now, who's going with Daddy to the dump?

Well, what do we have here? Looks like the biggest rip-off since Webster. Please, Mr. Coleman. We can explain. I'm listening. Your toy company is evil.

If someone tries to get in here, my burglar alarm will let us know. Watch the fish, Marge.

Magnets-- always with the magnets.

Look. A TV Guide owned by jackie O. Oh, you should see the crossword puzzle. She thought that Mindy lived with Mark. Give her a break! Her husband was killed! Oh, I know. Wasn't that awful? Hi. I'm john. Can I help you with anything?

Dad, I wanna be a daredevil.

ANNOUNCER: With Eddie Murphy as the Jack of Clubs. You don't understand, Officer. I thought that king was a queen. (CHUCKLING) ANNOUNCER: This summer, the house is full and the deuces are wild! In Cards! Hey, Jack, you got any twos? You can't handle the twos!

Who needs money when we got feathers? Hmm.

You little-- Lisa, no! Your hands are too weak.

Can't a man walk down the street without being offered a job? We'll have to go to the next-most-senior man at the plant. Here we are. Ten years' experience. His name is-- Marge, I got a new job! It's with Globex Corporation.

Lisa doesn't borrow my car and stay out all night with some hoochie. She's no hoochie! Her name is Zelda, and she understands me. Grampa, I gotta tell ya. She's a stone-cold hoochie. Straight up, Marge.

Well, sir, I'll be honest with ya. I need a large African elephant, and I need it today. But I'm afraid this just isn't what I'm looking for. What do you mean? It's an elephant, isn't it? Well, it is and it isn't, if you understand what I mean. He likes peanuts.

eight-- eight-- eight-- Ohh! Will this horrible year never end? We've never lost a year before, and I'll be damned if we're gonna lose one on my shift. Seven, six, five, four, three, two, one!

Clear. Oh, for Pete's sake. The pig is in the poke. You know, I really don't care for that code name. Look out, Marge! Cat! I know you're excited about starting a new job, but could you just relax for now?

I even took some pills I found on the floor, and still nothing. You took pills you found on the floor? Uh-huh. Now I'm afraid that if I stop talking, I'll die. Isnt Mick cool? I thought he'd be all, like...

I'll save you, Dad. I can't get any closer. You'll have to jump!

Let me clean up this mess I made. Hey, hey! Hey, that really burns there! Oh, stop it. You're worse than Faye Dunaway.

Let's go. (BART SIGHS) Bart, the record of your mischief is staggering. Just look at this file. That doesn't look so big. These are directions to the facility where Bart's criminal record occupies three full storage lockers. Six feet by eight? Six by 14!

Look how healthy I am. You see? I'm finally thin enough... to wrap this thing around my arm. Good for you, Dad. Could you get me some syrup? Mmm. Hmm. You see? Before I probably would've driven to the syrup. Kids, hurry up and eat. We have to leave for the dentist five minutes ago.

Look at those two inseparable chums, Smithers. That's exactly the teamwork we'd like to showcase at this year's energy convention. Are you sure, sir? Well, no one else seems to share the same spirit of camaraderie.

But Homer is a real hero. I wish I was a hero. Well, wishing won't make it so.

Uh-oh. My house! Hey, how you doin'?

Bart. Bart. Bart, Bart, Bart, Bart. Bart. Bart. I can't think with all this noise. What am I supposed to do? Pick up Bart. Pick up Bart. "Pigabar"? What the hell is "pigabar"?

Hello, Springfield! We're going to play all your old favorites! But first we'd like to dip into our new CD-- "Takin' Care of Business"! Don't worry, sir. We'll get to that one. No talkin'! No new crap! "Takin' Care of Business" now!

Homer, where did you get that? - Get what? - That giant doughnut. Well, I acquired it legally. You can be sure of that.

You know, I finally understand the meaning of--

just as I thought! It's a Yard King! That is a quality barrow. Well, I gotta run.

What if I can get this guy off the hook? I mean, sh-should I do it? Honey, you should listen to your heart and not the voices in your head, like a certain uncle did one gray December morn.

Mmm! It's dessert but it's hot dogs, so it's good for you.

No. The promise of a new day is more than enough exhilaration for me. Smithers, coffee.

Have you always resented us, Dad? Oh, I dont resent you, sweetheart. What I was trying to say, and maybe I didnt use the right word... was that marriage is like a coffin... and each kid is another nail, but as coffins go-

Now, kids, instead of candy, I thought I'd serve an array of healthy fresh fruits. Fruit is nature's candy. Whoa!

I'll be right back, boys. I've gotta go help that lady. Homer, you help too. I toileth not on ye Sabbath, woman! A pox on thee!

I moved here from Canada, and they think I'm slow, eh? I fell off the jungle gym, and when I woke up I was in here. I start fires. Okay. Now, everyone take out your safety pencil and a circle of paper.

Oh! They're always eating candy in Shelbyville.

Quoth the Raven: Nevermore. Why, you little-- Uh-oh ! Come back here, you little Raven ! Doh !

Right about now, you're probably saying, "Troy, I've seen every Simpsons episode. You can't show me anything new." You've got some attitude, mister. Besides, you're wrong! Because sometimes episodes run long... and certain scenes never get aired. So, fire up your VCR, because here, for the first time ever,

Any thoughts on Miami-Cincinnati? I certainly do, Bret. I hereby declare Miami to be Smooth jimmy's 'Lock of the Week.' Ooh, that's a big lock. I just don't trust that guy.

Toby Hunter, Minneapolis Star. No, really, is this a joke? No, Toby! And no more questions about whether this is a joke.

Ohh! Homer mad! Homer smash! Get revenge on world! Look! It's the Incredible Hulk!

Ugh! Smithers, get it off me! Bart, you're coming home. I want to stay here with Mr. Burns. I suggest you leave immediately. Or what? You'll release the dogs or the bees, or dogs with bees in their mouth, and when they bark, they shoot bees at you?

Of course you did. But there's the truth, and the truth! Let me show you.

Tom jones? Yes? I was wondering if you'd be interested in performing at a private party. Sorry, mate. I don't do private parties. Well, then, perhaps you should look in this suitcase. All right, but I don't see--

Well, hookers and Spider-Man.

japan. Except over there they call him "Annual Gift Man," and he lives on the moon.

Uh, sure. Sure. Here you go. DÜff, from Sweden. Go!

I signed it too. Uh-huh.

But get a cheap one, and what happens? It goes off, takes out the eyeballs of every kid in the room. What's that gonna cost you? Bill, what did that cost us?

Mm-hmm. Throw the book at him, sonny. D'oh! Now, where's the inside man? Mmm? Call me mint jelly, 'cause I'm on the lam! Ahh!

But I'm a real tightwad. Can I afford this remarkable system? Absolutely. My prices are so low, you'll think I've suffered brain damage. You are fully bonded and licensed by the city, aren't you, Mr. Plow? Shut up, boy. So, remember--

So, Ned, you like dune buggies? Well, not my cup of-- Sure you do. Everyone likes dune buggies.

All right, guys, pipe down. I got some more in the garage.

Get outta my office! Of course, what Matt meant to say, according to his attorneys, is that he couldn't possibly do it alone, and he insisted that we make time to acknowledge the hard work of everyone... who makes The Simpsons possible.

Krusty funny. Duh.

I guess I'll have no trouble gettin' to sleep tonight.

English - US - Line 21

Now I'm going to take some advice that was given to me by Lenny... and kill you without delay. One thrust and the deed is done.

I'm so drunk I can barely see But it helps me get through another day My stomach is filled with haggis and hurt I've got to go puke in some hay

Time to take out the Eurotrash! (YELLS) (ALL SCREAM) Oh, no! Who will put up with our nonsense now? To Disneyland, where we will heap the scorn on Goofy! (ALL CLAMORING) Now everything's perfect again.

Welcome to Remedial Science 1-A. My, uh, wife recently passed away. I thought teaching might ease my loneliness. Will this be on the test? No! Oh!

That's loser talk. You gotta start acting more like me and my team,

Hi, Little Vicki. That was such a long time ago. I'm just plain Vicki now. All right. I'd like to sign my daughter up for lessons, Vicki. Little Vicki. But you just said-- So what dance style were you interested in? We have ever so many. There's ballroom.

Ow ! Nevermore, nevermore, nevermore, nevermore, nevermore-- Dag-- Doggone it ! Doh ! Doh ! And the Raven, never flitting,

That was close. Very close.

Hmm. Oh, he'll never dance with her. She'll have to settle for some Mexican Milhouse. I demand to know your name. My name is... Lisabella. That's my name with "bella" on the end of it. Ask her. Oh, God. Please ask her to dance. I shall dance... with her. Ooh!

Even so, sir. We could stand to lay off a few employees. Oh! Very well. Lay off... him, him, him, him-- Hmm. Better keep the egghead. He just might come in handy.

Ten cents. Twelve. Twelve cents to our phone bidder in japan. Any other bids? All I brought is a dime. I didn't know there'd be pornography. Sold, for 12 cents. Oh, my beloved pornography. I can't watch this anymore. I'm going to bed. How much for Krusty's bed? Half a buck. Sold!

I don't care if I win just as long as you're in my corner again. I always was, honey. Look! Cameron's about to sing the song I wrote for him! He's about to learn the most important lesson in the music business. Don't trust people in the music business.

I want you to take that monkey back... so he can be rehabilitated and get a second chance. No, no. He's fine. Go on, Mojo. Show Marge your happy dance. And so on.

I think the real question is who is this and where is Homer Simpson ? Whoa, whoa. Sorry. Principal Skinner, sorry. It's a bad connection, I think. It's for you. I think Bart's in trouble again. Doh ! What's he done now ? Well, I'm afraid this time the victims... are the innocent blades of grass on Groundskeeper Willy's award-winning play field.

the gentle caress of a summer breeze. The summer wind Came blowing in

All right, here's your last question. What was the cause of the Civil War? Actually, there were numerous causes. Aside from the obvious schism between abolitionists and anti-abolitionists, economic factors, both domestic and international-- Hey, hey! Yeah? - just say slavery. - Slavery it is, sir.

Homer? In America, first you get the sugar, then you get the power, then you get the women. Homer! Huh?

Are you there, God?

That is so sad. Oh, come on, honey. You know how it turns out. After all, you wouldn't be here today if I hadn't become the responsible head of a household.

This is a gross misuse of school property. Where are the dodge balls? Ow! Ow! Ohh! All right. That's it. I'm writing all your names on the detention list in my mind. Silence, Seymour! We're in charge now. Your reign of fussiness is over.

I don't believe it! Principal Skinner! Well, well, well. I never thought I'd win this easy. This has nothing to do with you, Simpson. I have many, many issues with my beloved smother-- mother! Bart, leave that man alone with his pain and sit down. Okay.

Shut up, Updike!

What could they possibly owe you? I mean, if anything, you owe them. Worst episode ever. It looks like the beginning of the end for the venerable Itchy and Scratchy program. For years, TV critics such as yours truly, Kent Brockman,

We can all learn a lot from this young man here. This-This-- Rudiger. Rudiger. And if we can all be more like little Rudiger-- - His name is Bart. - His name isn't important. What's important here is that this lad has fully developed ego integrity...

Humor, Japanese Obsession With--"

This movie you rented sucks. No, it doesn't. It's funny. Their clothes are different from my clothes. Look at what they're wearin'.

- Willikers! That's awful! - Indeed.

Hello, Marge. I'm Lee Majors. Will you come away with me? Uh... sure. I've gotta stop fantasizing about Lee Majors. Ah, one more.

Yeah. I used to open for Krusty in '69. In fact, he fired me, as I recall. Oh, Sting. But this isn't about show business. This is about some kid down a hole or something. We gotta do what we can.

That sounded like an explosion at the old Simpson place. Forget it. That's two blocks away. Looks like there's beer coming out of the chimney. I am proceeding on foot. Call in a code eight. We need pretzels. Repeat-- pretzels.

I've gotta stop fantasizing about Lee Majors.

Release the hounds. Well, neighbor I see you've got your running shoes on. That's a good thing.

Blah, blah, blah-blah. Blah, blah, blah.

Bring back our children, you Cyprus-splitting jerks! Just for that, we keep your children. Will you raise them Christian? Coptic Christian.

I'm a lucky woman. And I'm a wonderful man.

Won't somebody please think of the children?

Mmm. Peekaboo! Peekaboo! Peekaboo! Peekaboo! Dad's been doing that for two hours! I've never seen the baby get tired of it before the adult. Peek...a...boo!

Homer, do you have any plans for after graduation ? Me ? I'm gonna drink a lot of beer and stay out all night ! No, I meant career-wise. You know, that nuclear power plant will be opening soon. It's one of the few outfits around that won't require a college education.

Oh, you're a dead man, Burns. Oh, you're dead. You're dead, Burns!

at flaming moe's let's all go to flamIng moe's let's all go to flaming moe's

Monorail. Monorail. Monorail. I hear those things are awfully loud. It glides as softly as a cloud. Is there a chance the track could bend? Not on your life, my Hindu friend. What about us brain-dead slobs? You'll be given cushy jobs. Were you sent here by the devil? No, good sir. I'm on the level.

Here you go, Mr. Plow. A beer on the house. Wow, Moe! You didn't even give a beer to those freed Iranian hostages. Ah, they shouldn't have been there in the first place. But Homer is a real hero.

because her raspy voice reminded me of my old Victrola. Oh, it was a fine machine... with a vulcanized rubber listening tube... which you crammed in your ear. The tube would go in easier with Some sort of lubricant... like linseed oil or Dr. Shumway's--

You got to sass it.

I tried to kiss him But Homer ran Sure wish I could say That I was his

No, Mr. Simpson. Don't take your anger out on me. Get back! Get back! M-Mr. Simpson, no!

Bart! Homer, what possible reason could you have... against Grampa being in love? If he marries your mother, Marge, we'll be brother and sister! And then our kids, they'll be horrible freaks... with pink skin, no overbites and five fingers on each hand!

Good evening, Rex. And Mobilier-- the chandelier for your car. Whoa! All on I Can't Believe They Invented It! Hello, everybody. I'm Troy McClure, star of such films as "P" is For Psycho...

No. I've already planned our vacation. We're going to the Highway 9 Bird Sanctuary. I understand they've installed a new bird feeder this year. It's shaped like a diner, and it's on this really tall pole.

and his instant pizza pie. Ooh, pizza !

Darling, there's an emergency at the hospital. Where are my shoes? Oh, I think they're in the den. In the den? May God have mercy on us all. - Well, how are you feeling this evening? - Uh-- Actually, I'm a little chilly. Can I have another straitjacket?

What's that extra "B" for?

This is one substitute you're not gonna screw with! Marge Simpson. Hello, class! Hi, Bart. Over here, sweetie. It's me, Mom. Hi. Hey! Hello!

Everyone loves rats, but they don't wanna drink the rats' milk?

Hey! Will you guys sign my yearbook? Huh?

Here we are, kids. The zoo. Well, that's great, Dad. Except you were supposed to drive us to the newspaper. D'oh!

Um, it's like, uh-- Did anyone see the movie Tron?

Well, Countess von Zeppelin and I-- What in blaze ! Now, you listen to me, you bargain basement Baudelaire ! I'm not some dizzy starlet who can't string two words together ! I can write this thing myself ! You're fired !

My little girl likes Red Vines! You little... (SCREAMING) Mr. Simpson, please stop! You think I can't kill you? There's a hundred little punks graduating from Syracuse this year that would beg to kiss my ass! Get outta here! (WHIMPERING) He's crazy!

Lisa! Enough "saxomaphone" already!

But she's got a new hat. I want it. I want it. I want it.

I want to share something with you. The three little sentences that will get you through life. Number one: "Cover for me." Number two: "Oh, good idea, boss." Number three: "it was like that when I got here." Hey, this is good stuff. Told ya. Now come on. You're gonna learn how to shave.

It's true. We are aliens, but what are you going to do about it? It's a two-party system. You have to vote for one of us. He's right. This is a two-party system. Well, I believe I'll vote for a third-party candidate. Go ahead. Throw your vote away.

Badger, my ass. It's probably Milhouse. Milhouse. Milhouse!

Oh, my goodness! Look! Oh, man! This is the most exciting thing I've seen since Halley's comet collided with the moon. That never happened, Dad. Sure it didn't. Is the nest still warm enough, Mom?

I'm really sorry I hit you, Mr. Burns. Here. Let me put some salt on that eye. No! Please! I can't bear another thrashing. just leave me be. Yes, sir.

Let's walk over to them. Why walk when you can dance? Where's Lisa? Shh! This plot is hard enough to follow as it is. On the spaceship Lollipop

That was a phone call. Don't chalk that up to mistrust.

I glanced at it. Boy cries "wolf," has a few laughs. I forget how it ends. Bart, is that light green? Yeah. It better be! Hey! Homie, what's wrong? I'm used to seeing people promoted ahead of me--

It's not so bad, Homer. They go in through your nose, and they let you keep the piece of brain they cut out. Look. Ooh! Hello. Hello there. Who's that big man there? Who's that? join us, Father.

But surely you can't put a price on your family's lives. I wouldn't have thought so either, but here we are.

It was captured on film by a camera crew making the upcoming Fox special, In Search of Bigfoot. Hold it, Bob. We can see your wristwatch. Oh, damn it. Hey, what's that? Aaah!

Seymour. Hmm? You're fired! I'm sorry. Did-- Did you just call me a liar? No. I said you were fired. Oh. That's much worse.

Uh, Pa, I cut myself on the screen door again. Why, you cotton-pickin'-- Hey! No. I gotta pass this class for my kids.

Look behind you, Radioactive Man! The sun is exploding again!

Hello, everybody. I'm Troy McClure, star of such films as "P" is For Psycho... and The President's Neck Is Missing. But now I'm here to tell you about a remarkable new invention.

Roger Corman's Titanic.

"Name one of your child's friends." Martin. Martin! I'll curse that name till the day I die! Huh? "Who is your son's hero?" Three-time soap box derby champion, Ronnie Beck. Wow. I'm one question away from being a perfect father.

A glove slap to the little ol' face Will get you satisfaction Glove slap, baby

It's just a little dirty. It's still good. It's still good. It's just a little slimy. It's still good. It's still good.

I sure would. But won't we have to pay those outrageous grocery-store prices... for something the farmer probably spit in? Not anymore! All thanks to the new juice Loosener. Doctor, are you sure it's on? I can't hear a thing.

And that's how Paul Bunyan started the great Chicago fire.

MAN: A star shone bright that silent night Ninety miles out of manger-town Haulin' gold and myrrh and frankincense Three kings put the hammer down Cause we got a Christmas convoy, ain't she a beautiful thing? We've gotta roll this truckin' convoy to see the newborn king Convoy

Do you have any jobs for a man who wants to die? Something indoors-y. Close to a bathroom? I'll put you on rig 13 as soon as they burn off the corpses.

"Postcard image, thing to see..." (RUMBLING) Gotta go, sweetie! But I didn't read my poem! Here's a poem. Run fast or lose your ass! (ALL SCREAMING)

Uh-- Bingo! Hey, let go, you lousy, stinkin'-- Wha-- You're... beau-ti-ful. Uh-oh. This is a serious medical problem. I-i gotta go.

The first meeting of Hell's Satans is called to order. I move we reconsider our club name. Make it something a little less blasphemous. After all-- we don't want to go to hell. How about the Devil's Pals? No. You see-- Or the Christ Punchers? The Christ-- I-- I don't think you understand my objection.

Bart's grades are up a little this term but Lisa's are way down. Oh, we always have one good kid and one lousy kid. Why can't both our kids be good? We have three kids, Homer. Marge, the dog doesn't count as a kid. No. Maggie. Oh, yeah.

Is it supposed to take this long? What's a good time for a mass evacuation of the entire plant? Forty-five seconds. What's our time so far? I don't know, sir. This stopwatch only goes up to 15 minutes. Damnation! What kind of slow coaches do I have working for me?

Good evening, adults. We interrupt this broadcast...

These are so easy. It's obviously "Tom Hanks." Who? Otm Shank. He is India's answer to Brian Dennehy. Otm Shank.

I've been everywhere, man Crossed the deserts bare, man I've breathed the mountain air, man Of travel I've had my share, man I've been everywhere I've been to Reno, Chicago, Fargo, Minnesota Buffalo, Toronto, Winslow, Sarasota Wichita, Tulsa, Ottawa, Oklahoma

But you know what? To be loved, you have to be nice to people... every day. But to be hated, you don't have to do squat. You know, perhaps you're right. I got so swept up with the notion of being liked, I completely forgot who I am. I'm a selfish old crank, and that fits me like a Speedo.

Please. No. - Please. - No.

What corpse should we unearth, sir? I don't know. I feel like a kid in a candy store.

The summer wind Came blowing in from across the sea

See ya in hell.

Look at me, Bart! I'm driving! We're all proud of you, Dad. Move it, pokey. Slow and steady wins the race.

Uh, okay, Homer. Whoo! That was a close one, kids. Okay, Marge, as long as we're traumatizing the kids, I have a scandalous story of my own. Gentlemen, I'd like you to meet your new coworker, Mindy Simmons.

- Ha-ha, you lose! 36 and 239. - Hmm. Hey, Otto-man, I dare you to make this go faster. Ooh! Challenge accepted!

Come on, people. Somebody ordered the London Symphony Orchestra. Possibly while high! Cypress Hill, I'm looking in your direction.

All right. Sounds good.

Don't call me Mr. Scorpion. It's Mr. Scorpio, but don't call me that either.

Oh, honey, think pink. Look. A salute to safe sex. Ha-ha-ha.

Hello, Lenny, Carl, Guillermo. Hello, uh-- Oh, um, uh-- Don't take it so hard, Homer. He's always screwing up people's names. At the picnic, he thought my son Reynaldo was my son Rolando. Can you believe that?

Your bra bomb better work, Nerdlinger. Mm-kay!

"she realized it was the end." (SIREN WAILING) Flanders, pull over! I'm an ambulance! Well, he's got me there. (PANTING)

Hey! Look at that! Oh, good Lord! I'm so sorry. I saw everything. Oh, my heart's beating like crazy.

Why, you little- Why, you little-

Now, when people ask if we're in compliance with the Americans with Disabilities Act of 1975, I can say, "We are closer than ever before!" Thank you. To inaugurate our ramp system, here's the first of what I hope will be many disabled students, Bart Simpson. I'm proud of you, boy.

Blow the man down, mateys blow the man down row, row, row your boat in the navy come on and join your fellow man Act now and get a bonus C.D. Hornpipe Fever. Arr!

Chloe, I saw your report on Kuala Lumpur. Truly hard-hitting. Thanks, Tom. I really appreciate that. (CHUCKLES) So I... You know, I was wondering... Yes? Would you like to come to my celebrity racquetball tournament? I'll have to check my schedule.

'Cause every girl crazy 'bout a sharp dressed man

They're only using you for your pool, you know. Shut up, brain. I got friends now. I don't need you anymore.

I call the big one Bitey. I'm going to see Mr. Lanley. Mr. Lanley? Mr. Lanley?

How dare you show my daughter a life of fun and possibility? Hey! Keep your dishwashing hands off the Armani. For your information, our electric dishwasher is on the fritz. Not that you care about the ups and downs of my appliances. Do you? Do you?

This is what a cornfield looks like, honey.

We need the money, and my life is pretty boring. Last week some jehovah's Witnesses came to the door, and I wouldn't let them leave. They snuck away when I went in the kitchen to get more lemonade.

It's a great big world out there. Been there, done it. I know. We could have a tea party on the ceiling. Shh-- TV. Oh! You people will be the death of me.

Hey, wait a minute. What are all these presents? It looks like you're "showering" Marge with gifts. Hmm, with little tiny baby-sized gifts. Well, I'll be in the tub.

Oh, do your own homework, Bart ! Doh ! Here's your magazines. How many of these guys are named Corey ? Eight. Thanks, Dad.

It's supposed to be an expression of the feelings... we're supposed to have for each other. Oh. Like how we built that snowman together in that Newport ad? Remember how "alive with pleasure" they said we were?

Yes! Yeah! Oh, God, yes.

The hitter's off his rocker, kissing Betty Crocker ! Good one, sir. Oh, well, I used to rile the late, great Connie Mack with that one at old Shibe Park.

- Um, I'm right here. - Oh, I see. Then everything is wrapped up in a neat little package! Really. I mean that. Sorry if it sounded sarcastic.

The Corvair spacecraft has apparently been taken over-- conquered, if you will-- by a master race of giant space ants. It's difficult to tell from this vantage point whether they will consume the captive Earthmen... or merely enslave them. One thing is for certain: There is no stopping them. The ants will soon be here.

cradle and all Sweet dreams.

This is so romantic.

Oh, lousy Wiggum. Now the whole town thinks I'm a chili wuss. Wait, mister. You're drinking a candle. You don't want to get wax in your mouth, do you? Maybe I do, son. Maybe I do.

Oh, this can't be happening!

How's my special little guy? I'm having some side effects from the dope. It's not dope! It's something to help you concentrate. All I know is my testicles won't fit in my underwear. Bart, get those oranges out of there. Back in the lunches you go. Ew, Mom! Oh, grow up. Yeah.

I wanted to see your utopia. But now I see it is more of a Fruitopia. I'm sure what Dr. Hawking means is-- Silence. I don't need anyone to talk for me, except this voice box. You have clearly been corrupted by power. For shame!

(LISA PLAYING SAXOPHONE)

Coochy coochy coo!

In Russia, stage is for performers only.

It's N'Sync! Can the chitchat, Milhouse. We've got just the song you need to defuse this whack attack. Defuse it old school. 'Bout time. - Radical! - Awesome! I can't read. I can't sing without dancing. Fine!

He's not dead! No, but his career is. I remember when Al jolson ran amok at the Winter Garden and climbed the Chrysler Building. After that, he couldn't get arrested in this town.

Man, I don't know why I bought this stupid tape.

So jaded the only thing that gets you off is freebasing ground-up moon rocks. (SUCKING) All this does is get me to normal. (SIGHS) Thank you, Krusty.

I'll kill you! I killed them other people. I'm gonna kill you too! You want some corn bread, Mr. Jingles? Well, you can forget it. Because I'm gonna kill you!

Hello, "Floreda"! I'm not a state! I'm a monster!

Dad, start digging some nerd holes. It's bad enough they put their retainers in the dishwasher. Can't we do something? Look, I'm sure we can work something out where we can all live in harmony. Right, Marge? No, I want those geeks out of my house. You really think you can get us back into college? Absolutely.

Lucky thing we landed on this bubble wrap. Hey, quit hoggin'. Oh, I'm badly hurt. A smashed hotrod, a wrecked police cruiser, a destroyed house!

Uh-- Hey, look! Someone's attractive cousin!

That's right! We all know!

Happy birthday, Mr. President.

Ahh, the Simpsons D'oh!

Jeremy's... iron. Mm-hmm. Well, that's... very good for a first try. You know what? I have a ball. Perhaps you'd like to bounce it.

Oh, Arthur Fortune.

Shh! English - US - Line 21

Let's say hello to my music guy, Scoey. That is some outfit, Scoey. It makes you look like a homosexual. Oh. Maybe you all are homosexuals too. This is horrible.

Uh, how'd you solve the door dilemma? Homer Simpson was the real hero here. He jury-rigged the door close using this. Hey, what is that? It's an inanimate carbon rod!

D'oh. Whoo-hoo. Uh-- That boy ain't right.

Thanks a lot, Milhouse.

just a minute! Don't hang up! Y'ello? You'll have to speak up. I'm wearing a towel.

- One, two, three. Out like a light. - Scalpel. Oopsie! Maybe if I fiddle with these knobs. Hey, I smell gas. Pleasant gas. Night-night gas.

Did you girls watch the last episode of MASH? That Mike Farrell really boils my "potata." I miss-a da Klinger already.

Oh! Superintendent Chalmers! What are you doing in that ridiculous duffel, Seymour? And is that burning literature I smell? Uh-- W-W-Well, sir, I, uh-- There'd better be a good explanation for this. There is, sir. Ah! Then I'm happy.

No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. Yes. Er, um, I mean, no. No.

Look behind you, Radioactive Man! The sun is exploding again! Bart, why are you talking like that? Yeah, and who the hell are you talkin' to? Marge, do you have other men in this house? Radioactive men?

Well, well. Look at the city slicker pulling up in his fancy German car. This car was made in Guatemala. Well, pardon us, Mr. Gucci Loafers. I bought these shoes from a hobo. Well, la-dee-da, Mr. Park Avenue Manicure. I'm sorry. I believe in good grooming.

Where do you think you're going? To the game. No. I don't want you to see me sitting on my worthless butt. We've seen it, Dad.

America was now discovered in 1942 by... "some guy." And our country isn't called America anymore. It's Bonerland.

Ow! Ow! Ow! What the hell is wrong with you? Gee! Sorry! It's a pretty standard stunt, Homer.

And now we 're back.. to Touch the Stove. So, Kevin, I hear you collect amusing postcards. Yeah. It all started when- Touch the stove.

My Bologna has A first name it's h-o-m-e-r my Bologna has A second name it's h-o-m-e-r oh, I Scram!

Dad, it says "Non-Toxic." Well, that's a plus.

Maggie? Maggie? Maggie?! Oh... hoo... Maggie! Oh, man. You want a bad night? Try sleeping on one of these. I've lost a baby.

- Luke? - Puke.

Blah, blah, blah. Do this, do that.

with a blue-haired woman about 10 minutes ago. Said they were gonna spend the night at Crystal Lake Campground, Section K, Space 217. I'm sorry I can't be of more help.

Can't you morons do anything right?

Bill Schultz and Wolf and Silverman. Goldreyer. O'Brien, Doyle, Selman, I don't know what you-- Elliott, I-- I don't know what you're doing here because you're all cut. Pietila, Bridge and "Kuwawahawa."

Because he is the fat, selfish epitome of modern man! Hey, he stole my bit! - Now we shall probe you to see if you are worthy. - Yeah, word for word!

Hello, son. Where have you been? Playing with Milhouse. No, you haven't! You've been out gallivanting around... with that floozy of a bigger brother of yours! Haven't you? Haven't you? Look at me! Dad, it just kind of happened. You're taking this too hard.

Remember, Dad, all glory is fleeting. So? Beware the Ides of March. No. Dad, I know you think you're happy now, but it's not gonna last forever. Everything lasts forever.

Hello, my name is Mr. Burns. I believe you have a letter for me. Okay, Mr. Burns. Uh, what's your first name ? I don't know.

Get up, "Liser."

But, Mom, I thought you'd like it.

I've been in Reno for six weeks. Did I miss anything?

Hey, it was all a coincidence. Yup! There's your answer, fish bulb. Well, it was a good ride while it lasted. Come on, kids. Let's go home. We are home. That was fast.

He framed Krusty, he tried to kill Aunt Selma, he rigged an election-- And he tried to murder me! Oh, yeah. But what I'll mainly remember is the laughter. I wonder what he's doing now.

Two hundred and thirty nine pounds ! Oh, I'm a blimp. Why are all the good things so tasty ? From now on, exercise every morning.

Mm-hmm-hmm... mm-hmm... That's one big check. You look sharp today, sir. You looken sharpen todayen, mein herr. You looken sharpen todayen, mein herr. That was a gutsy decision, sir. Smithers, come here.

I'm happy to announce... that another union has joined us in a sympathy strike. The Piano Tuners Local 412! Piano tuners?

You know, Simpson, you're not as objectionable as you seemed when we first met. No, sir, I am not.

And the best part is,

You! Homer, thank God. You gotta help me here.

Boring! A man who provided the Burns Corporation with 45 years of faithful service, Mr. Jack Marley. Boring!

This is a videotape for my daughter Maggie. Hi, Maggie. I'm speaking to you from beyond the grave. Woooooh ! Hope that didn't scare you. Well, Maggie, you're grown up now, and unless you taped over this,

I took lily to the local "cinematorium," where our passions were inflamed by Clark Gable's reckless use of the word "damn." We sneaked into the nearby Peabody Museum. There, under the smiling eyes of four stuffed Eskimos, we expressed our love physically, as was the style at the time.

Simpson. Hot diggity!

Uh, how'd you solve the door dilemma? Homer Simpson was the real hero here. He jury-rigged the door close using this. Hey, what is that? It's an inanimate carbon rod!

Did you call me, Spud? Look at 'em, Bart. If a carny can wind up homeless, it can happen to anyone. I'm going for a corn dog. You want one? Yes. But first, there's a little matter of the carny code. Cooder, Spud, get off that hog. You're coming to stay at our house.

Um, excuse me, sir? When does this bus get to the museum? It doesn't. Oh. But isn't this the 22? Yeah, Monday, Wednesday, Friday. Tuesday, Thursday, it's the 22-A. 22-A? Then where the heck am I? Don't make me tap the sign. But I'm lost and I need to know where--

We'll have you out of there as soon as our tech boys get you decontaminated. Thank you, Mr. Burns. It was pretty scary up there, but-- For a while, I feared for my life.

Miss North Carolina. Miss Indiana. Miss Alaska. Kids, I won't be home tonight, so I'm leaving you some low-cal microwavable TV dinners.

Barney, how did you join the group? They found me on the men's room floor.

Uh, you got any of those Where's Waldo? books? No. Anything from the vampire's point of view? No.

I'll just talk to my sponsor. Drink or I'll die!

I, too, owe many thanks to Lester and Eliza. This is a great vindication for anybody who was ever taking a bath, went to get the paper, fell down and had the door slam behind them and the doorknob break off. And I'd like to thank Lester for reuniting me with my estranged wife.

But tonight I say we must move forward, not backward, upward, not forward... and always twirling, twirling, twirling towards freedom!

All right. I can't waste any more time. People's lives are depending on me. Mr. Sulu, make a left! Aye, aye, Captain. Setting course for Rigel Seven. I mean home.

I dance, I dance, I dance Around the Mexican hat I dance, I dance, I dance And that's the end of that Or is it I guess I'll keep singing My cell phone appears to be ringing Hey! Barney, did you ever notice how hard it is to drive with your knees? Why don't you get one of those hands-free phones?

A cougar! Die, cougar!

Wait. I'm confused about the movie. So the cops knew that Internal Affairs was setting them up? What are you talking about? There's nothing like that in there. You see, when I get bored I make up my own movie. I have a very short attention span.

I love Chinatown.

Behold the future of comedy. Poochie! - They fight and bite - and bark - they fight and fight and bite - and bark fight, fight, fight woof, woof, woof the itchy and scratchy and poochie show

Well, we'd like to think of it as-- Thank you. - You know, I really think-- - Thank you.

Children, it's time for your history lesson. Put on your virtual reality helmets. Mmm, excellent. Hello, Lisa. I'm Genghis Khan. You'll go where I go,

Hey! I am above average. So what if Alison's ahead of me. There's no shame in being second.

Some guys like a challenge, not me.

or a "Frinkahedron," in honor of its discoverer. Help me! Are you helping me? Or are you going on and on? Oh, right. And, of course, within we find the doomed individual. Enough of your borax, Poindexter! A man's life is at stake! We need action!

Ah, yes. Naturally, I can't pay you much of a reward, because I'm strapped for cash. Ooh! Uh! As you can see, this old place is falling apart.

No, throw it over the peg! Well, that's no good. Oh! Oh, no. Are you blind? I'm trying, Mother. It's hard. You're failing, Seymour. What is it about you and failure?

I taught Paul McCartney to go "Whoo!" "Purple Rain!" Shut up!

Ah, beer, my one weakness. My Achilles' heel, if you will. Beer. Beer is the cheese. But how to use it? Whoo! It's a good thing that beer wasn't shaken up any more... or I'd have looked quite the fool, an April fool, as it were.

Give us the money! Elmo knows where you live.

Moe's Tavern, home of the stinkiest rag in America. Hey, Moe. Oh, Homer, listen. I need 50 grand. Don't ask me why. No, no. I need 50 grand. I asked you first. Fine! I'll send you 50 grand. Thanks.

I know. I'm in the zipper club myself. - Ahh! - You seem okay. Yeah? Well, I got news for ya. This ain't makeup. They say the greatest tragedy is when a father outlives his son.

So this is my life. At least I've done better than Dad.

Well, I can't give you the car, Krusty, but I can let you have this little number for practically nothing. Only 38,000. Hey, what are all these holes? These are speed holes. They make the car go faster. Oh, yeah. Speed holes!

Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! We're here. Howdy, partner. Four score and seven blocks ago, my-- Aah! Aah!

Yeah, you. Uh, yeah. Uh, I was wonderin', do you, uh-- What's your policy on, uh, lunch?

And with the prime suspect cleared and found completely innocent, we must now ask ourselves: Who could be as bloodthirsty as Waylon Smithers?

Hmm. I was busy that night.

Uh, yeah, well, he was turning into a monster though. What are you waiting for? Wreck the school. You know you wanna. I agree. Destroy the school. Hmm.

What do I think of the pie? What do I think of the pie? Goodness gracious It's delicious That's what I think of the pie Because--

You don't want to sit with the rest of the scum. - I only consider you scum compared to Krusty. - Well, right. I can see that. I'll have the cannoli. You see how you scum.

Pleasant aroma, rich, full body, well-aged and the wine's not bad either. (BOTH LAUGHING) Oh, stop it, Seinfeld. (CHUCKLING) We always get the hicks on Saturdays. "Lord Krylac, if you want to take that deduction,

I wish I was dead. Oy!

I moved here from Canada, and they think I'm slow, eh?

And in environmental news, scientists have announced that Springfield's air... is now only dangerous to children and the elderly. Whoo-hoo!

Ooh! It must be Chinese New Year! Ah, people buy 'em when they're small and cute, then they flush 'em down the toilet.

Be careful, Mom! There's hot lava under the ground! Actually, when it's underground, lava is called magma! You're so smart, Chloe! Walter Cronkite told me the same thing!

Oh, those Golden Grahams Oh, those Golden Grahams Crispy, crunchy graham cereal Brand-new breakfast treat

Hi, Lisa. Hi, Super Nintendo Chalmers.

- f Woman Screams] - m f Organ f

The Internet wasn't created for mockery. It was supposed to help researchers at different universities share data sets. It was. (DOOR BELL RINGING) Hello. I'm Deion Overstreet. The running back for the San Antonio Cow Skulls? Five-time rushing leader, two-time MVP, and star of a Disney Channel movie.

The last angry clown, the man who spews truth from every orifice, ladies and gentlemen, Krusty. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I'm watchin' TV today-- Whoo! TV, yeah!

Who is he anyway? Uh, Homer Simpson, sir. One of your organ banks from Sector 7G. All the recent events of your life... have revolved around him in some way. Simpson, eh?

I'm offering three bottles-- enough to clean 1,000 tombstones-- for only $39.95. Boo! I'm afraid you're gonna have to do better, Doctor. Yeah, give us a break, Doctor. But how can I make it lower than $39.95?

It's drinking the water!

Well, it's Bart Simpson. Come on in. You're just in time for Sponge-bath the Old Folks Day. Help yourself, but stay above the equator.

Maxed out? Look, I really need these flowers, okay? I got a real tenuous hold on my girlfriend here. Hello? Hello? Well, that's it. It's all over.

Just don't look just don't look Just don't look just don't look It worked! They're all dead!

Apu is cheating. That's sad. All those kids. I think he's building to something.

To alcohol, the cause of and solution to... all of life's problems.

Tonight, When Dinosaurs Get Drunk-- Hmm. Oh. Oh, I've been there, man. ...has been canceled. What? Instead we bring you The Boring World of Niels Bohr.

just a little reminder-- if I find out you cut class, your ass is mine.

What would you like to know? What's the deal with that dot? Can you see out of it? Does it change colors when you're ticked off? You tell me. Nothing yet. Surely you children are aware of your Brahman heritage? As long as you have absolutely no follow-up questions-- Yes. Yes, we are.

You leave Mr. Burns out of this! Smithers! Smi-thers!

If he didn't have any guns, I'd show him a thing or two. What happens when he walks into my store? Then we'll see who's worried about five-day waiting periods. Dad, it's 3:00 a.m.! Can't you mutter in your room? Marge kicked me out.

"Good night, room. Good night, moon. Good night, cow jumping over the moon." Please, children, scooch closer. Don't make me tell you again about the scooching. You in the red, chop-chop. Hmm.

Help! Kitenge! Now, Simpsons! Run for it. Huh? Good old Kitenge.

Isn't mid-season just a dumping ground for second-rate shows... that weren't good enough for the fall schedule? You're thinking of all the other years. This year's shows are classics. There's The Laughter Family. That's animated. Networks like animation 'cause they don't have to pay the actors squat! Plus they can replace them, and no one can tell the diddly-ifference.

Somebody hired me for an emergency bachelor party.

Does your money cheer you up when you're feeling blue? Yes. Bad example. Let me ask you this: Does your money ever hug you when you come home at night? Why, no. And does it ever say "I love you"? No, it doesn't.

And these Hardy Boys books are great too. This one's about smugglers. They're all about smugglers. No, not this one: The Smugglers of Pirate Cove. It's about pirates.

And now our feature presentation. If that's a phrase you like to hear, then you'll love Movie Call! Start the movie! Start the movie! Start the movie! Start the movie!

We need someone so irritating... that Ned simply will not be able to repress his rage. Homer, can you be that annoying? I-- What? Get in the booth.

You are going to crash and burn, my fatheaded friend. See? We're still friends. Come on. Give us a cuddle.

(ALL GASP) Oh, I should've gone with the button fly. (SOBBING) (LAUGHING) (AUDIENCE LAUGHING ON TV) (GROANS)

Let's dig. That's right. Dig some more. Oh, we make quite a duo. Burns and Associate. No, no! What am I thinking? Burns and Teammate.

(CHUCKLING NERVOUSLY) Until I met your mother, who made that girl look like a Godzilla made of garbage!

Well, then, what can we do to make you happy ? I wanna go back to my old class. Oh, but, Bart, don't you remember the boredom, the ennui, the intellectual malaise ? Yeah, well, you know, kinda, um, but I was thinking I could go undercover. Undercover ? Bart, I'm intrigued. Go on.

Get up, "Liser." President Kennedy! That's right, "Liser." Academics are important. But you must also train your body with vigor. That's why I created the President's Council on Physical Fitness. Er, ah, yes.

Can we verify exactly what time Bart was at the show? (TAPE REWINDING) If only we had the exact date. (TAPE REWINDING) Bingo! Thank you, Mr. Alcatraaaz.

All right, here's the deal. Every time you watch my show, - I will send you $40! - Checks will not be honored.

and Patrick Ewing as the genie. So have a merry Christmas, happy Hanukkah, "kwazy" Kwanzaa, a tip-top Tet... and a solemn, dignified Ramadan. Now a word from my god, our sponsor.

My hobby is secretly videotaping couples in cars. I didn't come forward, because in this country, it makes you look like a pervert. But every single Scottish person does it!

The doctor said I wouldn't have so many nosebleeds... if I kept my finger out of there.

Ooh! Captain of the football team. He's a dreamboat. Don't wait up, Marge. Okay, Bart. Your turn, your turn. You got the dud!

Hey, kids. It's-- Hey. Why is it destroying other toys? They must have programmed it to eliminate the competition. You mean like Microsoft? Exactly. Come on, Bart. We've gotta warn everyone.

My purpose in life is to witness this moment.

"Dear Homer, I.O.U. one emergency doughnut. Signed, Homer." Bastard! He's always one step ahead.

Are you trying to stall us, or are you just senile? A little from column "A," a little from column "B."

To choose from a list of felonies, press two. If you are being murdered or are calling from a rotary phone, please stay on the line. You have selected regicide. If you know the name of the king or queen being murdered, press one.

I'll keep it short and sweet. Family, religion, friendship. These are the three demons you must slay if you wish to succeed in business. When opportunity knocks, you don't want to be driving to the maternity hospital... or sitting in some phony-baloney church. Or synagogue. Questions?

Your mother bought us tickets to a snooty movie... directed by some Swedish meatball. Oh, no. Well, I guess we don't have to do that. Um, look, Dad. I got something to tell you. Can it wait, son ? It's getting kinda dark.

I want a colossal doughnut, just like the one on the sign. D'oh! Nuts! That's false advertising! Sorry, sir. No refunds. I paid for a colossal doughnut, and I'm gonna get a colossal doughnut. You don't scare us.

This is a thousand monkeys working at a thousand typewriters. Soon, they'll have written the greatest novel known to man. Let's see. "It was the best of times, it was the 'blurst' of times"? You stupid monkey! Oh, shut up.

Guys, I'd like you to meet Artie Ziff. Hello, handsome! Hello! Losers.

The information superhighway showed the average person... what some nerd thinks about Star Trek.

we're both utterly humorless about our vegetarianism, and we both love the Rolling Stones. Yes, not For their music, but for their tireless efforts to preserve historic buildings.

I don't wanna go. So if he asks me to go, I'll just say yes. Wait! Are you sure that's how this sort of thing works? Shut up, brain, or I'll stab you with a Q-tip.

Hey, thanks, everybody. You know, I'm here today as Luke Skywalker, but I'm also here to talk about Sprint. As you can see, you stand to save up to 17 cents a month over the more dependable providers.

Destroy him. Blah, blah, blah. Look at me-- Ow!

Come on, Mom. Yeah, Mom. Hurry up. All right. Mmm. How about "he" ?

I have no son! Great, we came all this way, and it's the wrong guy. I didn't mean that literally!

Cool! Knock it off. I'm sorry. Knock it off! I's just jammin' with ya.

Yeah, I've been starvin' 'em, teasin' 'em, singing off-key. No! Nice doggy. This never would have happened if Marge Simpson was here. Good-bye, Marge. I'll miss ya.

Testing. Testing! Testing! Testing. Testing. Testing. Testing.

Huh? Don't be alarmed, Apu. just go about your daily routine like I'm not wearing the hat. Your headgear seems to be emitting a buzzing noise, sir. Perhaps you have a bee in your bonnet. Bee?

Okay, Homer, stay calm. just quietly get this stuff inside your house.

Springfield Stadium has caught additional seating capacity fever. Whoo-hoo. Go, S.U.! A&M is gonna kick your ivy-covered butts. Yeah? Well, you went to a cow college. Oh, you're only calling us a cow college 'cause we were founded by a cow.

Oh I could love a million girls And every girl a twin Yeah I could love a Chinese girl An Eskimo or Finn I could dig a Deutschland chick a girl with golden curls In fact I think that we could love--

What could they possibly owe you? I mean, if anything, you owe them.

Ow! Now that's a happy face. Little Vicki, I figured out how to dance. I can be in the show now. I'm sorry, Lisa. People go to a children's dance recital... expecting a certain level of professionalism. But-But you don't understand-- I ate too much plastic candy.

Oooh! Ahhh... Hey, Homer.

Glove slap, baby A glove slap, baby Glove slap Baby, glove slap Glove slap i don't take crap Glove slap shut your big yap

And, finally, Moe's Tavern has contributed a coupon... as their way of saying "Welcome to Springfield." Thank you. This is all so nice. I actually had some doubts about moving to Springfield, especially after that Time cover story, "America's Worst City." You could see our house in that photo. Oh.

Quoth the Raven: Nevermore.

This tonic's caused me nothin' but trouble. You've done all the damage you're gonna do! Oh, nuts!

Ah, heck. Now, where am I gonna get a Danish?

All right, you win. - I'll have to kill them all. - No! But they're so wretchedly adorable-- 25 little Rory Calhouns. I can't do it. But I can kill you.

But you can't do this! I saved the children's lives! I'm a hero! Tell them they'll live to regret this. You'll live to regret this! Oh, thanks a lot. Now I look crazy.

Good-bye, Lisa. I know you'll make me proud. Good-bye, Bart. I like your sheets.

Whoa-ho! Texas snowball fight! Ow! Bart, that has nuts in it. Hey, I thought your mother told you to take a bath.

Huh? Don't be alarmed, Apu. just go about your daily routine like I'm not wearing the hat. Your headgear seems to be emitting a buzzing noise, sir. Perhaps you have a bee in your bonnet. Bee?

You need job? I have job for you. You take these. You hang Thai menu on door. I get more business. Send daughters to small liberal arts college-- Swarthmore, maybe Sarah Lawrence. Call professors by first name. Hah! Dynamite!

Don't thank me. Thank our many debts and obligations. (SCREAMS) (GAGGING) Honey! Stop kidding around! Honey? (SCREAMS) Brenda, I'm afraid your husband had no insurance.

Yea! Mommy? Hey, Mr. X, I got a tip for you. In science class they're dissecting frozen hoboes-- And I have the bindles to prove it. Real news is great, son, but I'm getting a thousand hits an hour with grade "A" bull plop.

Ah! Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah! You idiot! You nearly drank a beaker full of sulfuric acid.

(GROANS IN DISGUST) Knock-kneed home renters. Can't we thin this herd with some smallpox-infected blankets? We're already immune, you jerk! Gee, I never noticed that before. He's got a tree in his eye. If that tree gets too big, it'll ruin the beauty of that rock!

D'oh! Well, I got him as good as he got me. D'oh!

Well, just a little one. Homer, it-it's stuck.

Hmm. Ow! Pointy. Eww! Slimy. Uh-oh! Moving. Aha! Aw. Twenty dollars. I wanted a peanut. Twenty dollars can buy many peanuts. Explain how. Money can be exchanged for goods and services. Whoo-hoo! Whoa!

Big game fever is reaching a fevered pitch... as the fevered rivalry between Springfield U and Springfield A&M spreads like wild fever-- Th-This is writing? I'm sorry, Uncle Kent. I lost my thesaurus.

- And what's the score? - Dirty love-- I mean, 30-love. I mean, anyone for penis? I'll just get the shuttlecock. Oh!

Greetings, earthlings. I am Kang. Do not be frightened. We mean you no harm.

Hey, I got off pretty easy. Neddy, uh, wait. Where you goin'? AlOha, oi

I quit! Fine. I'll do the job myself. Help! It's caving in! Oh! What's the problem, Seymour? Stuck? That's precisely the problem, and you know it. - Now, get me out of here! - What's that?

I feel like celebrating.

Missed one, Dad. See you in hell, dinner plate. Does anyone know where all my dinner plates went? Um-- You probably left 'em at work.

I'm watching Sideshow Bob. He's a lot less patronizing than Krusty used to be. You backstabber, you traitor, you-- Snap out of it, Bart !

Now, what do you say? Eat my shorts. All right, I'll eat-- Eat your shorts? Yeah, eat my shorts. ButtmaN na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na buttman Buttman?

Wait a minute. Listen, you little yellow-bellied rat jackass. If I ever find out who you are, I'll kill ya ! I hope you do find that punk someday, Moe. Fill 'er up. Is everything okay ? Usually you have a quick one,

Astronomers from Tacoma to Vladivostok have just reported... an ionic disturbance in the vicinity of the Van Allen belt. Scientists are recommending that all necessary precautions be taken. Eggheads. What do they know?

Homer, what gives with this review? You say "the salad tastes like bark"... and the potatoes were very "Grrrrr!" This reads like it was written by a dog. Are you crazy? A dog can't type. Unfortunately.

A diner? It's perfect! We can hide out here until the heat's off. You took the signs out of the window? That's pretty presumptuous. How do you know I'm gonna hire you? Sorry. I just want to be a broom boy so bad.

You insensitive jerk! Maybe this family would be better off without you! You know, there are only so many times I can say "I'm sorry" and still mean it!

Well, here's a die-hard fan. Sir, your beloved Isotopes are about to make history. Any thoughts? Oh, it's a great team, Kent. We never gave up hope. I want to thank jesus and say hi to my special lady, Marge. We did it, baby! Whoo! Whoo!

Ahh, ballet. Hee-hee-hee. All right. Whoo-hoo! Yea! Yeah!

The parrots can, but--

And we laugh legitimately. There's a mathematician, a different kind of mathematician and a statistician. Make it stop! No, not another boring space launch. Change the channel! Change the channel! I can't! I can't!

In desperation, the city is considering more unorthodox solutions. Grasping the child firmly in his talons, Socrates here will fly him to safety. just watch. I don't think he's coming back.

on soccer moms who hate soccer. Clear! Oh, Lord. I'm so fat.

Come on, Barney. If you're gonna be General Grant, you have to have a drink.

and, uh, right now, I gotta be reeking of it. Relax. All I smell is garlic and fish. house Uh, you look pretty clean. You, uh, mind if I have this dance? It's all yours.

Good Lord! Gigantism!

Oh, I wish, I wish I hadn't killed that fish.

- Oh! - Oh! Game's over. I got down on the floor for this?! Wait, Dad. I've got something for you. I was hoping it would be money.

I'm so desperately lonely.

You told me about that candy bar you found three times.

That's it! Go to your room!

Young man... youve ingested a dangerous amount of alcohol. The only dangerous amount is none. Let's go to the IHOP. I'm driving. - Come on! - Hey! Hey! - Okay, Burger King! Whatever!

What am I gonna do ? I've murdered us all ! I've murdered us all ! I've murdered us all ! Shut up ! Shut up ! Shut up ! D-oh ! D-oh ! D-oh ! - There. Finished. - You are ? Well, it's a quick job, but it's shelter. - It is ? - Uh-huh.

Oh, my God! The dead have risen, and they're voting Republican!

We did it! We're number one! We're rich!

"Su-poib." Those fingers through my hair that sly come-hither stare that strips my conscience bare it's witchcraft Give me three fingers of milk, Ma. I know it's good For A boy to have a part-time Job,

and she knows the phony Prince's body is hidden in the boathouse.

(EXCLAIMS IN SHOCK) You kids have got to learn that actions have consequences! (GRUNTING) Eat fire, punks! KIDS: Whoa! What the... I'm still cold. Will everyone please stop fighting and burning?

That man ate all our shrimp and two plastic lobsters! 'Tis no man. 'Tis a remorseless eating machine. Arr! Six bells. Time for closin'. Can't talk. Eating. Fairly warned be thee, says I. Huh? Hey! Hey!

Because you need me, Springfield. Your guilty conscience may force you to vote Democratic. But deep down inside, you secretly long... for a coldhearted Republican to lower taxes, brutalize criminals... and rule you like a king!

Oh, crikey! You gave me a smash on the noggin last year. Not in my parlor, you don't. Aah! Me eyes! I'm scalded, I am!

He's right in here. Access denied! Oh, fine. I gotta use a fork. Hello, Bart.

Meet the Mummy and the Washington Generals. I cant just sit here watching this junk. That's better. /f you watch closely, you might recognize a young Ra y Romano. w'w' f Whistling "Sweet Georgia Brown ff f Heyl Hey, pass if over!

Let's take the trophy route to the den. Twelve Newsies. Seven Iron Mikes. Four Golden Coifs. This is the most prestigious award that Del Monte gives.

Good heavens! Th-This is a palace! H-How in the world can you afford... to live in a house like this, Simpson? I don't know. Don't ask me how the economy works. Yeah, but look at the size of this place. I live in a single room above a bowling alley... and below another bowling alley. Wow.

So what you're saying is I'm indestructible. Oh, no, no. In fact, even a slight breeze could-- Indestructible.

Oh, Daddy! This tastes like Grandma! Holy Moses! It does taste like Grandma! I want more! Yeah, me too. We'll take a bushel or a pack or-- just give it to me! Yech! Can I interest you in a mincemeat pie?

Men, there's a little crippled boy... sitting in the hospital who wants you to win this game. I know because I crippled him myself to inspire you. Well, I hope they win, or Mr. Burns said he's coming back.

Oh, oh Oh, oh Ah, just remember Always safety first

I'm telling you. I didn't do anything. I don't care. Ouch! My glasses!

J Gypsies, tramps and thievesJ J We'd hear it from the people JJ Are you aware that your daughter's gay? - Boy, those guys are such leeches. - Moe, what are you doing here? Cant your old buddy Moe stop by with a list of questions from the Weekly World News? Number one, Sara, is it true you shoplifted a kayak?

Honorary Grand Marshal Richard Nixon... goes after another deadly hiss. Oh! I-is Whacking Day over? Thank you. Thanks for coming out.

Who needS the kwik-e-mart not me forget the kwik-e-mart good-bye to kwik-e-mart who needs the kwik-e-mart not me

watch me hit him right between the eyes. What are you doing ? Show a little respect, you insolent little thugs. We're really scared. Hey ! Hey, you ! Hey ! Hey, you !

Oh, Homer ! Have you ever seen a kung fu movie ? It was just like that. But now I know her moves. So, if you're listening to me, lady, you'd better think long and hard before trying something like this on Homer Simpson again !

who got me here and then... passed away just two weeks ago. Any response to that ? Yeah, I would also like to dedicate this fight... to the memory of his deceased manager. - You can't do that ! - I can do whatever I want ! You dedicate the fight to your own manager, man ! This is incorrigible.

Good evening. Before we begin, is anyone here an investigative reporter? I am, and she is. Well, I'd like you to please leave. Should we take our hidden camera? Would you? Let's go, Phil. True or false: You can get mono from riding the monorail.

(GRUNTING) Three, two, one, and you're canceled! Strike the set. You have five minutes to get off the lot. Oh...

You hit her pretty hard there, Rick.

Ah, that kid slays me. That was no accident. Let's get out of here. Na na nah nah Na na nah nah Wa-a-ave Good-bye What good is money if you can't inspire terror in your fellow man?

Laddie! Come here, boy! Who wants to lick a messy baby? Laddie?

My homework is in your park. Let's do it! Yoink! What does freedom mean to me?

You can't stop me ! The hell I can't !

"B," "C," "D," "A," "B..."

Bart replaced Lorenzo Lamas... in the syndicated action series Renegade. If Esposito thinks he's gonna muscle us, he's wrong. I hear that, Renegade. Let's do this thing. Marge put together a nightclub act.

It's not your fault, Homer. I guess there's just no room... in today's crazy, gentle America for violent dinosaurs like us.

Abracadabra. - The crystal says your baby shall be a girl! - Shut up!

(ALSO SPRACH ZARATHUSTRA PLAYING) (BOTH LAUGHING)

Let's see. "Social Security number." Naught-naught-naught, naught-naught, naught-naught-naught-two. Damn Roosevelt! "Cause of parents' death." Got in my way.

Attention, Springfield. We have barricaded ourselves in the school... and are not coming down until our demands are met. Willie hears ya. Willie don't care. Obviously, you two have no experience causing a scene.

Get your own angel, you moocher!

I could do this all day. And I just might.

My life here is over.

(BOTH LAUGHING) What are you kids laughing at? And if you say Jimmy Fallon, I'll know you're lying. (GASPS) Scantily clad co-eds? Why, you little... (GRUNTS) (GAGS) To have a libido... Dad, look who's in there. (GASPS) Flanders?

Oh, man, that guy's tough to love. Hi, Mom. Hi, Dad.

Yeah, I wanna dedicate this fight to my manager Vinnie... who got me here and then... passed away just two weeks ago.

Shred it! Shred it! Extra gloves. Extra gloves. Mushroom bonus. Reload. How will we get Bart to take these? It's all about trust, honey. Ow! Knock it off! Homer, we agreed we'd discuss the medication with Bart.

Hello. I'm retired heavyweight boxer Gerry Cooney. Welcome to Mr. Burns's Casino. If there's anything I can do to make your visit more enjoyable, please let me know. Yeah, great. See ya! Uh, don't forget to apply for... our V.I.P. Platinum Club for special discounts on-- Hey! I said bug off!

Oh. Well, uh, can I have my shirts back at least? Okay, you heard the lady. Why don't you take it outside, all right? Uh, I'll be back... pr-probably.

Rip-off! We paid for blood! Let's tear this place apart!

Hey, the burglar left his calling card. "You have just been robbed by the Springfield Cat Burglar." Cute.

Well, you're about to get a whole lot angrier... because we have the extramarital extraterrestrial backstage... in a soundproof booth where he can't hear us. I hear all.

Dream Dream, dream, dream Dream Oh, Jar Jar, everyone hates you but me. In my arms When I want you--

Cobras! English - US - Line 21

Wow! Very impressive. You're a natural, Mr. Simpson. Really? Uh-huh. All you need is your own set of clubs. And stay the hell out of my locker! You can keep the shoes.

oh, I Scram! There goes the last lingering thread of my heterosexuality.

Whee! Whee! Oh, for the love of God! Somebody get the jaws of life!

I don't make trash. I burn it. Then I guess you're a garbageman. Well, I know you are, but what am I? A garbageman. Oh, I know you are, but what am I? A garbageman. I know you are, but what am I?

I'm just a "Q" without a "U". Mmm.

Don't you have school? Don't you have work? Ah, touchÉ!