comb.io - Clips

Maybe I'll just stay and work overtime. My sisters-in-law are at my house again. Homer, quit wallowing in self-pity. Pull yourself together and come get drunk with us.

(SNORING) (GASPS) People bored with opera? That's impossible!

Ow! What the hell is wrong with you?

No, Maggie ! Bad baby ! Keep her away from me, Marge ! She's got that crazy look in her eyes again ! So television's responsible.

That's for employing me for eight years! Ha-ha! And that is that. Good-bye, mind-numbing, backbreaking labor forever. Hello, dream job in paradise.

doing... the Monkey. I'm disrupting the learning process, and I love it! First prize! First prize! First prize! First prize!

I know it's asking a lot, but if anyone can do it, You can. Thanking You in advance, Your pal, Bart Simpson.

Mom, I can't find anything on Sacagawea. Just a couple of books on Ron Santo. No problem. In elementary school, we girls learned about Sacagawea while the boys were learning math. Okay. All right! Toilet paper!

it can't possibly be bad. - Why, you little-- - Uh-oh. What's going on out there ? I think Bart's stupid again, Mom. Oh, well.

It's difficult to tell from this vantage point whether they will consume the captive Earthmen... or merely enslave them. One thing is for certain: There is no stopping them. The ants will soon be here. And I, for one, welcome our new insect overlords. I'd like to remind them that as a trusted TV personality, I can be helpful in rounding up others...

Nothing. Must... take... test.

Your infatuation is based on a physical attraction. Talk to the woman and you'll realize you have nothing in common.

Thanks for driving me, big brother. These giant clown mitts are extremely hilarious, but do make it difficult to shift gears. That's the title of Erma Bombeck's latest, isn't it?

Welcome. I am honored to accept your waste. They're years ahead of us.

So, uh, where's your band? They switched from Christian music to regular pop. All you do is change "Jesus" to "baby."

Hey! Gus! I got somethin' to report to ya! That's a bloody outrage, it is! I'm gonna take this all the way to the prime minister. Hey! Mr. Prime Minister! Andy!

You think you could slide over a little? Well, I am a married man. You're crushing my husband. Billy Baldwin! I'm Alec Baldwin. Could you get off me? So what are you two kids doing in my neck of the woods? - Well-- - Wait! Tell me over breakfast. Who's for pancakes?

I can't take this much longer. I gotta have a beer!

Oh, Kenny. Look at the interplay of light and shadow. It's so luminous and vibrant! Thanks, Lisa. I painted that one. The real one's in my garage.

One man come in the name of love one man come and go Sit down! Sit down! You're ruining it for everyone!

Hmm. I knew we shouldn't have put a fireplace in the bedroom.

Homer, I've got a Fozzie of a bear of a problem. Maude and her mother were visiting Tyre and Sidon, the twin cities of the Holy Land. They must've kneeled in the wrong place and prayed to the wrong god... because, well, they're being held prisoner by militants of some sort. Militants, huh? Well, if I were you, I'd kick their asses.

Uh, yeah, yeah. I love "Grimby."

The clothes you wear on stage should be a defiant statement of individuality. Like this, Mr. Kravitz? God, no. May we talk about, uh, accentuating the- masculine area? Did you hear that, people? Apu asked about crotch stuffing. Now, I dont do it. Kenny Loggins does.

Boy, I sure could go for 100 tacos right about now. No. Yes, this should provide adequate sustenance for the Doctor Who marathon.

Ah, no, that's Mayor Quimby. Ah, here we go.

Hey, Carl? Isotopes!

I'll help you Carry on For it won't be long till I'm gonna need

Oop. Is your name Bart? Mm-hmm. What the-- Does your father know you're working here? It was his idea. In that case, I'll have a whiskey sour.

You work fast. I work for Uncle Sam. We will now vote on the House bill 1022-- the expulsion of Bob Arnold. Mr. Speaker, I'm all for the bill, but shouldn't we tack on... - a pay raise for ourselves? - No!

(GASPS) German backpackers? You see, son, every family has to make extra income when they send a child like you to a place like mine! You're lucky this is just a youth hostel. We had one family who had to take in dry-cleaning. The chemicals killed their dog! Well, that's what they told us in the lawsuit.

And so for helping to K.O. litter in our community, I hereby dedicate this statue of Drederick Tatum. Litter is my most treacherous foe. I would like to eat its children. So long, suckers!

Hey, jessica! Coming!

This isn't funny!

Ooh, I can't get enough of this blood pudding. The secret ingredient is blood. Blood? Ugh! I'll just stick to the brain and kidney pie, thank you.

I'm tired of watching you two lip wrestle. There's plenty of other ways to be grossed out.

Oh, quit your bellyaching, you big loser! Wh-Who said that? I did! It's me, Abe Simpson! But you're d-d-d-dead. I was. But I've come back as your love testing machine.

- Care to try it? - Wait a minute. Will this erase my memory? No. Not at all. Ma-- Man, that is malty. But he'll never know!

(BOTH GRUNTING ANGRILY) Next? (GRUNTS) Can you make me look like this? (BOTH GRUNTING ANGRILY) Whoa! My bad boy spikes! My good girl points!

Oh! We're takin' a bath on this. We tried to tell ya these are unmanned oil rigs. Aw, close the damn thing down. No one's ever gonna come. Huh? Give me 700 Krusty Burgers!

Hey! Keep your dishwashing hands off the Armani.

Oh, he's on the Blue Man Group again. Come on. We've got lots of time.

gussy up these curtains. Y'ello? Oh, hi, Lenny. No. Why would I need a ride this afternoon? Where? To the big annual what?

The whole town is laughing at me behind my back. (SIGHS) I guess you're the only real friend I have. Are you kidding? Homer's the one what wised us up to the sexy goings-on. Homer, is this true? Ned, I had no choice. It was just so funny.

for the real comptroller. - Hmm? - Idiot. I know a liquor store where we can cash this right now. And so. That's one grade I truly earned.

"At the second stop, half the passengers plus two get off, but twice as many get on as got on at the First stop." oof ! Ticket, please. I don't have a ticket. Come with me, boy. We've got a stowaway, sir. I'll pay. How much ?

Hey, Lis, what do you call those guys in chess that don't matter ? Well, a blockaded bishop is of little value, but I think you're referring to a pawn. Right. I am a pawn.

Bart, you've got to go on. Slag off. You've changed, man. It used to be about the music. I said slag off! Cool!

Well, that was disgusting. Worst ending ever. I think I'm gonna be sick.

Uh-oh. My heart just stopped. Ah, there it goes.

but helping you gain 61 pounds is something I want to be a part of. Dad! I must protest. You're abusing a program...

I loved your last McBain movie, Mr. Wolfcastle. Quit stalling, fatty. We can wait. Come to papa.

I'm gonna make it. I'm gonna make it! This is the greatest thrill of my life! I'm king of the world! Whoo-hoo! Whoo-hoo! I--

I will do the next best thing-- block it out. Good God! Imagine it, Smithers. Electrical lights and heaters running all day long. But, sir, every plant and tree will die. Owls will deafen us with incessant hooting.

That's Russell Crowe. Cameron Crowe. Crow Diddley. Hume Cronyn. Gregory Peck. Homer, I'm very uncomfortable having a gang of crows in our bedroom. It's a murder, honey. A group of crows is called a murder.

I'm a journalist.

Excellent. Marge, can I get a duck? You already have a monkey. Can he get a duck? No! One man, no ducks. Lisa. That's kidz Newz. Good night.

Hmm. Your penciling is sub-Ziggy... and the main character is off-model in every frame. However, I deem this rack-worthy. Wow! I made it! My week-long dream has come true.

That's a nasty clog.

Okay, everybody. Grab on to something. All right. Here we go. Three, two, one. Make hatch blow now.

Hey, hey, hey! Hallelujah. Hallelujah! Aww.

He got overthrown!

All right, who's Jimbo Jones? - I am. - You just made your second mistake, buddy boy! Please, dude, don't hurt me. Oh, man. That's your outlaw?

Thanks a lot, surviving Beach Boys.

Homer, that's your solution to everything-- to move under the sea. It's not gonna happen. Not with that attitude.

Aw, Lisa, it doesn't look so bad. Oh, yeah? Ew! Lisa, honey, if it'll make you feel better, I'll destroy something Bart loves. - Hey! - Don't worry, Son. If that bothers you, I'll destroy something Maggie loves.

Ohh! I hate these flood pants.

Did you hear that? She said "burlap".

If, in fact, you've consumed the venom of the blowfish-- and from what the chef has told me, it's quite probable-- you have 24 hours to live. Twenty-four hours ? Well, twenty-two. I'm sorry I kept you waiting so long. Oh, Marge, I'm gonna die ! I'm gonna die !

You don't win friends with salad You don't win friends with salad You don't win friends with salad You don't win friends with salad You don't win friends with salad You don't win friends with salad - You don't win friends with salad Mom! I didn't mean to take sides. I just got caught up in the rhythm. Good morning, class. A certain... agitator--

Yeah! Where are my pants? You threw them out the window in a fit of passion. You said you were never going to need them again.

Wow! That's it. I'm off the hooch. Hey, wine! Dad, the rocket's off course! Okay, Nibbles. You can guide her down.

What's the matter, Bart ? I'm running on empty, Milhouse. You kids get a kick out of my jumps, and I love you for it, but it's all too easy.

Ow, my foot, you lousy, stupid, clumsy-- Sorry, pal.

Good night, Barney. Don't forget to bring back my car back tomorrow.

Big shoes to fill. Big shoes to fill. Big shoes to Fill. Big shoes to Fill. Big shoes to fill--

Look, Brandine. It's Wolfgang Puck. Mr. Puck, you make the only grub what satisfies my gut worm, I swear.

Let's get out of here. Na na nah nah Na na nah nah Wa-a-ave Good-bye What good is money if you can't inspire terror in your fellow man?

Stella! Stella! Can't you hear me yell-a You're puttin' me through hell-a Stella Stella!

That Yodel was so good. I wish I was eatin' it right now. Oh, crap! I forgot! Marge, I need a small favor. For the next few days, will you pretend to be Apu's wife? What?

Quaff, oh, quaff this kind nepenthe and forget this lost Lenore !

Good heavens, Smithers. They're not afraid of me anymore. Hey, Mr. Burns, did you get that letter I sent? Letter? I don't recall-- That's because I forgot to stamp it! Ah, that kid slays me. That was no accident. Let's get out of here. Na na nah nah

That's even worse than the album Grampa released.

Sand, sand, sand Okay, that was the sand movie. Now, it'll just take me a second to set up our next movie. Uh, Miss Hoover, movies are a nice break, but couldn't we be doing something a little more challenging?

We did not! Now, where's Bart? You better tell me! Oh! You better tell him, lassie. I cannot control him when he gets like this.

Look! It's breaking up!

Mm-hmm. I should send you to St. Louis! No! No, he's not worth it.

Hmm. That's what we look like inside?

Marge, your posture looks terrible.

and then we came out here to take a break. Must've dozed off. Red room. Red room. Over there.

Yes, well, it does sound like fun. I can't wait to start pawing through my garbage like some starving raccoon. Release the hounds. Well, neighbor I see you've got your running shoes on. That's a good thing.

- I hope you're happy, Nelson. - Very.

What are you doing here? I wanted to see your utopia. But now I see it is more of a Fruitopia. I'm sure what Dr. Hawking means is-- Silence. I don't need anyone to talk for me, except this voice box.

which can lead to blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, Uh-huh. blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

As an actor, I depend on my remarkable looks. If you could find it in your heart to pass me, I'm sure I could find some way to repay you. Say by buying you dinner?

Hey, Lise, I dare ya to drink the water. I'm not sure that is water. Chicken. Quit it, Bart. Quit it! Quit it! Quit it! Bart, be quiet!

If you haven't asked your parents' permission-- naughty, naughty but Krusty forgives you.

All right, loony. Show me what you got. Is that the best you can do? Oh, my. I hope that rug was Scotchgarded. Must kill family.

We weren't satisfied with the other vegetarian meals on the market. You'd be surprised how often you'd find a big hunk of pork in them. Ew! Linda and I both feel strongly about animal rights. In fact, if you play "Maybe I'm Amazed" backwards, you'll hear a recipe for a really ripping lentil soup. When will all those fools learn that you can be perfectly healthy...

J Jellyfish, along you came; J And right away I'm stung J J Sweet words I long to whisperJ

Ahh, it got boring. I'm really into this cup and ball now. Whoa! Wow! Man, you never know which way this crazy ball's gonna go! Yeah, right. You're just trying to trick me, 'cause you don't want me playing with your video game. Here, go ahead.

What the heck is "avoision"? "AvoisiOn"-- It's a crime. Look it up. Would never have-- "Evasion." "Evasion." I don't say "evasion," I say "avoisiOn."

Hey. It's Gary Coleman. But the menu said "galaxy of prawns." Three prawns are hardly a galaxy. What do you mean your hands are tied? Let me talk to Mr. Quan. I want to see how this turns out. The phone's not even plugged in.

Bart, what the hell are you saying? That's Latin, Dad. The language of Plutarch. Mickey Mouse's dog?

So what's the problem, son ? I had a run-in with a bully. A bully ?

You think you're so great anyway. Whoa! "The crowning achievement of the dog-maker's art, "this limited-edition collie comes fully trained...

I meant a real guitar. This is real. Wow! And it came with a free instruction book. We spent a lot of money so you get real good, real fast, or pow!

It's not working. Whoa! What is it? Uh, nothing.

KENT: Baby's got backlash!

Stupid TV. Be more funny!

You heard me. They're alien replicons from beyond the moon! Yeah, right, pal. Don't forget your stinkin' flag. Oh, why won't anyone believe my crazy story?

Still dark. Better use the generator.

We drove 2,000 miles for this?

Well, neighbor I see you've got your running shoes on. That's a good thing. What's wrong with Crippler? He's getting on, sir. He's been here since the late '60s.

Thanks, Lise. Now let's try to forget this nightmare. ...blarney. Shh!

Stupid junk mail.

Ewl Where's the remote?

I'm going to enjoy devouring you, Bart Simpson. Yes. I believe I'll start, as you've so often suggested, by eating your shorts. Whoa!

Well, you kids are old enough to know the truth, and I'm not gonna sugarcoat it. So the tiny Aorta fairies will take Mr. Leg Vein on a long trip... to get married to Princess Left Ventricle. Dad, are you trying to tell us you're getting a coronary artery bypass graft? Uh, yeah. Oh, no.

Hmm. Hmm. Homer, look! We're invited to Otto's wedding. Ooh, and such delicate tissue paper. Huh? Zig-Zag? Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow! No knife games on the kitchen table. I didn't hit your precious table!

Bart, what are you doing ? Get down from there before the neighbors see-- Hey, Simpson. Doh ! Flanders, I don't care what this looks like. Bart's gonna mop the floor with your son's ugly butt !

Hocus-pocus. Mucous "pukeous." My powers of deduction tell me... you're getting a handmade sweater, possibly yellow. Mom, make him stop! Bart, put down that yellow sweater. Nobody's going near their presents until 7:00 tomorrow morning.

Maggie, call Aquaman!

Waive it! Stupid anti-fist-shaking laws!

And for dessert, peach crumble. You want to know how to make a peach crumble? Kick it in the groin. Ha!

I want you to stop seeing her. I can't. I'm her manager. Her manager! That's ridiculous. I won't allow you to spend any more time away from your family. You're standing in the way of my boyhood dream... of managing a beautiful country singer! Your boyhood dream was to eat the world's biggest hoagie.

Uh, excuse me. Sir? I think there's been a mistake. Oh, no. No mistake. Your electricity's in the name of Homer J. Simpson, deceased. The juice stays off till you get a job or a generator. Oh, and, uh, my deepest sympathies. Homer. That's my name. When I asked you if that dummy was to fake your own death, you told me no.

We're wasting more energy than Ricky Martin's girlfriend. Hey-oh!

Smithers, why didn't you tell me about this market crash? Um, well, sir, it happened 25 years before I was born. Oh, that's your excuse for everything.

But that means you have to think of a punishment, sit here and make sure I do it-- Ohh. Or you could let me go play with Milhouse... while you spend the afternoon watching unpredictable Mexican sitcoms. ¡Ay, el estÓmago! Run along, you little scamp.

Uh, no, but we do have some old shirt buttons. They're kind of kooky and fun. Missy, you just talked yourself right out of a sale. Hey, Lise, check it out-- pogo stilts. These were banned in all 50 states. Oh! What happened?

Hey, moron. Springfield Elementary, and step on it. Hey, Teeny, you know where 123 Fake Street is? Ah, it's okay. Hey, we got the same hat.

into easy listening music. Also available with lyrics. Hey, computer geek You will be connected in no time What a catch. Why didn't you sink your claws into him at the prom?

What's the matter, Lisa? You used to be such a good student. Don't you want to please your teachers and get good grades? Grades?

Oh! Oh, WOW. Lucky thing we landed on this bubble wrap. Hey, quit hoggin'. Oh, I'm badly hurt. A smashed hotrod, a wrecked police cruiser, a destroyed house! I've had it with your renegade ways, Simpson. You're a loose cannon. But I--

Really. I mean that. Sorry if it sounded sarcastic.

But it's me, Moe, wearing a sailor suit. Moe with a lolly. It's so out of character. Ain't that worth nothin'? Come on. Next. All right, judges, who is our winner?

Bart, you'll have to get your hair cut for free at Springfield Barber College. No problemo. I'll give up my weekly lottery ticket and I can stretch the food budget. Fried chicken night will be organ meat night. Ham night will be spam night, and pork chop night... will be chub night.

is my house okay?

Who needs the kwik-e-mart I do Hey, he's not happy at all! He lied to us through song! I hate when people do that!

Oh, dear. I see no signs of life. - just to be safe, we better pull the plug. - Yoink! Mr. Burns, how can you be so coldhearted? You have no idea, woman, what that man's put me through.

Good work, Chief. just doing my job.

Give us the money! Elmo knows where you live. Please, help me. I'll do anything. I'll light a candle.

Aw, they're not so tough. Chief, that wasn't a monster. That was the captain of the high school basketball team.

Now, before you respond, you must understand that your refusal... would result in months and months of-- Can we have a pool, Dad? Can we have a pool, Dad? Can we have a pool, Dad? Can we have a pool, Dad? Can we have a pool, Dad? Can we-- I understand. Let us celebrate our new arrangement with the adding of chocolate to milk.

The start of the game will be delayed, so we can introduce the recruiter for the Springfield Communist Party. Boo! This is better than dart day.

You see, boy? The real money's in bootlegging, not in your childish vandalism. Oh. So many wasted nights. What's the matter, Chief? Yeah. You've barely touched your Banana Kaboom. This isn't a very happy birthday for Rex Banner.

B-i-n-g-o and bingo was his name-o Man, I don't know why I bought this stupid tape.

That's right, Burnsie. Keep your wrist supple. Throw it, don't aim it. This is my park. Get out! It was worth it.

Why don't people like me, Marge? Everyone likes you. You're a wonderful person. Why don't those stupid idiots let me in their crappy club for jerks? I'm sure it's nothing personal, Homer. It is. It's been happening to me all my life.

You rule intensive care!

I'm sorry, young man. You're just not ready. Pick up your check at the front office, and for God's sake, put some clothes on ! I guess it's back to good old Springfield.

and our newest flavor-- Duff Dry. What does the future hold for Duff? Let's just say we've got a few ideas up our sleeve. Like what? Uh-- I'd rather not get into it right now. Why not? All right. We don't have any ideas for the future. We got nothing. Happy?

Mayday, Mayday! The engine room has sprung a leak.

Moe, Moe... Moe... Moe, Moe... Moe....

Someone should really go up there and talk to him. Homer! Ohh, all those stairs.

The clothes you wear on stage should be a defiant statement of individuality. Like this, Mr. Kravitz? God, no. May we talk about, uh, accentuating the- masculine area? Did you hear that, people? Apu asked about crotch stuffing. Now, I dont do it. Kenny Loggins does.

Are we insane yet? Are we insane yet? Are we insane yet? I told you, yes. Now-- Bart, go to the top of that hill and see if you can spot our hotel. Mt. Kilimanjaro? Go! Okay.

Marge, can't we get some clear plates? I can't see the TV!

has given us this videotape. It's a close encounter of the blurred kind. I bring you peace. The alien has appeared in the same Springfield pasture the past two Friday nights. Will it appear again this Friday? The entire Channel 6 news team will be there,

(GRUNTING AND GROANING) Homer, this really isn't necessary. You weren't around for the birth of your grandson. And I want you to see it. (MIMICKING BABY CRYING) Ain't I cute? You owe me a dirt bike.

Can't sleep. Clown'll eat me. Oh, Doctor! We are seconds away... from the hundred-meter butterfly. And with the East German-- women shaving their backs 9,000 miles away, the Americans are heavy favorites. Patience, my pet.

Now open your minds for the Coltrane of the quatrain, the Tony Danza of the A-B stanza. I give you the former poet laureate of the United States, Mr. Robert Pinsky.

The last bar in Springfield. If they don't let me in here, I'm gonna have to quit drinking. Yea! Shut up, liver! Ow! My liver hurts.

I sentence you to kiss my ass.

I told her you were a decent man, but she wouldn't listen. Besides standing by you and supporting you, there isn't anything more I can do. You mean, I'm on my own? I've never been on my own. Oh, no. On own! On own! I need help. Oh, God, help me! Help me, God!

Happy birthday.

You know, honey, when I think of all the good times we've had together-- Did you see that, Marge? Oh, my God! You walked into the fountain! Get out of the fountain! Just stand still, and I'll get someone!

What good's a credit card if you can't even use it? Hmm. "Order by phone. 1-800"-- Our phone doesn't go up to 800! Unless--

Is that Lisa? Ooh, I gotta call heaven. There's an angel missing. And who's your little school friend? Wait a minute. That's Mom! Oh, my goodness! How gallant! Isn't that nice? Thank you. I know two fellas who are gonna get a special dinner tonight.

"Wife: Marjorie. Children: Bartholomew, Lisa"-- Aha! See? This thing is all screwed up! Who the heck is Margaret Simpson? Uh, your youngest daughter. "Uh, your youngest daughter."

Run, Daddy! Run! Open the door, Maude! I don't have time for the secret knock! Oh! I'm panicking, Neddy! I can't work the knob.

Fair enough. But I'm gonna come back with the greatest gift a husband can give his wife-- an annulment from his secret wife. Mr. Simpson, under Nevada law, bigamy, or "Mormon Hold 'Em," is perfectly legal. Both marriages stand. But I only love Marge!

You know-dilly know it, Neddy.

Jimbo, I don't think we should see each other anymore. You're just not the guy I thought you were. Can I have my shirt back?

Aren't we forgetting something, Marge? You were down $5,200 dollars. But Mr. Trebek-- I asked you before the game... if you knew the rules, and you said you did. judges. Run, Mom. She ain't gettin' the home version.

Huh? Smithers, there's a rocket in my pocket. You don't have to tell me, sir. Turn off the chair.

Oh! That was a close one, Lisa, but you made it. I won first chair? No, you regained consciousness. Alison got first chair.

Mmm. Sixty-four slices of American cheese. Sixty-four. Sixty-three. Two.

And I gave that man directions even though I didn't know the way, 'cause that's the kind of guy I am this week.

"Gym"? What's a "gym"? Oh. A "gym."

Doughnuts? I told you I don't like ethnic food. Here. Tell me how my stocks did yesterday. Uh, they all won. Hmm? What about my options? Well, you can either get up or go back to sleep. I believe I'll get up.

Look, you can see our houses. There's an awful lot of black smoke coming from my chimney. Mr. Hutz, why are you burning all your personal papers?

and you are one of his helpers. Oh, I knew that one too ! Homer, why are you seven hours late ? Not a word, Marge. I'm heading straight for the tub. But, Homer, my sisters are here. Don't you wanna say hello ?

Something fun. Something the men will enjoy, like a safety drill. But what kind? Uh, "Meltdown Alert"? "Mad Dog Drill"? "Blimp Attack"? Ah! I think a good old-fashioned fire drill today!

Oh, God! Where's Bart?

We're done for. We're done-didilly done for! We're done-didilly-dodilly done-didilly-dodilly done-didilly-dodilly done-- Flanders! Snap out of it! Thank you, Homer. I don't know what got-- Dad! I think he's oka-- It's better... - to be... safe... than... sorry. - Dodilly--

Who the devil are you? It's Homer Simpson! My name is Homer Simpson! Well, I don't think anyone in this family is capable of attempted murder.

Look. It's Mister Cashew, the Koobler Dwarves, Snip, Krinkle, and Poof. Twinkle the Kidd, I love you. Whoa, easy there, partner. (GROANING) Uh-oh.

Now, when I remove the bandages, don't be alarmed by the total stranger staring back at you. I look exactly the same, you moron!

Whoa! Come on, kids. Let's try the lights.

And being in the public eye didn't mess me up one bit. Mm-hmm. Well, obviously. Hey, one question, Eddie. Butch. Yeah, right, right. If your mother was a vampire and your father was a Frankenstein, how come you are a werewolf? Huh. I never thought of that. Doesn't make sense, does it?

I know that I'm in lovE with an uptown girl I buried Flanders. Shh!

"Thaw me out when robot wives are cheap and effective. P.S. Please alter my pants as fashion dictates."

Hear ye! Hear ye! Ye old town crier proclaimed crappy by all. Chooseth Homer Simpson, and he shalt rock thy world. Good God! He is fabulous. Mmm. He's "embiggened" that role with his "cromulent" performance.

Hey, Martin. No one has sat next to me since I successfully lobbied to have the school day extended by 20 minutes. I'm looking for a friend who won't leave me for a girl.

Hey, Dad, that light says "check engine." Uh-oh. Tape must've fallen off. There. Problem solved.

You just don't get it.

Bart! Bart! Time for your Sunday night bath, boy! Gotta hide. Bart! Huh. Where are ya, boy? - Oops. - Aha!

Homer, I can foretell people's deaths! People's deaths, eh?

Um, we didn't mention Groundskeeper Willie, Mom. Kids, it's time we told you the true story and put your fears to rest. It's a story of murder and revenge from beyond the grave. It all started on the 13th hour of the 13th day...

Mmm! Unprocessed fish sticks.

Hmm. That's very true, Marge. One night, Wiff and I came home late, and we decided not to wake Iris. Instead, we microwaved our own soup! Of course it was a horrible mess. But Iris didn't mind cleaning it up.

What would you say is your worst quality? I am a workaholic. I push myself too hard. It takes me a long time to learn anything. I'm kind of a goof-off-- That will do. Stuff starts disappearing-- That's enough. There's a problem with the reactor. What do you do? A problem with the reactor?!

Hear Me Roar, the network for women. In the next half hour, we'll show you how to cut your first-aid bill in half...

Barney's is july 15, same as Lassie's,

Kirk, crackers are a family food. Happy families. Maybe single people eat crackers. We don't know. Frankly, we don't want to know. It's a market we can do without. So that's it after 20 years-- so long, good luck? I don't recall saying "good luck."

Me too. Ah, now there's the inflated sense of self-esteem.

He may have been a dirty stinking coward, but show me a Simpson that isn't. I'm not a coward. All right, you're not a coward. And that's beside the point because--

(DINGS) I have to research a paper. Where did all the books go?

I hope that Marge knows Just how lucky she is I do.

I thought you said she was overweight. It takes two to lie-- one to lie and one to listen. What does that mean? I don't have time to answer that.

Oh, really now, that's too much.

Shake his buns. I'm sorry. I don't usually laugh like this. Ai, caramba. Wow, man. Oh, this is the most fun I've ever had in my life.

Thank you. You've been very helpful. Dad just got a library card in West Springfield. He checked out 10 books on oil rigging, and a book called Dying for Dummies. He must've taken a job in the West Springfield oil patch. That's practically a death sentence.

From the moment i saw him i fell

You don't like me? I like you.

Hmm, looks about the same. Ah. Whoa. Tiny little people! My God! I've created life.

Homer, you should see a doctor. I don't think a healthy man can make that kind of smell. Your paychecks, gentlemen. Whoo-hoo! This is it! With this single glorious check, I'm finally completely out of debt.

Hey, Homer. Hey, Homer. Hiya, Homer! What's the matter? Aaaaaaahhh! Sneakin' out the back way sneaking down the alley way... Hey, where's joey? Mrs. Krabappel I really need my drumsticks. Come and get 'em!

which brings us back to our starting point, "the Nine Tenets of Constancy." Damn it! Well, I seem to have lost my place, so I'll start over. Aw, for the love of crumb cake. Our sermon today is on constancy--

Hmm. (GIGGLES) I just wanted to see what it was like. (IN SOUTHERN ACCENT) Howdy, y'all. If you don't like my song, I'll spray you with ink! (CHUCKLING) I never realized how hot this suit is. I'm sweating out all my bloodlust. Why don't you take a bath in the river?

I'm here to explain why the convenience of one area code in... Your town. has been replaced by the convenience of two area codes. Uh, I have a question, Phoney. It's a movie, Dad. Quiet, honey. Daddy's asking the man a question. You're probably thinking, "Sure, more area codes are great,

Get out of the way!

Scaredy-cat. You stay here till you're no longer insane. Hmm. Chili would be good tonight. Homer, it's Moe.

- It is worth $150. - What can I get for 75 cents?

Hey, you with the tempura, your arm broken? How can people be so heartless How can people be so cruel Easy to be hard Ten, 11, 12, 13?

Hey, that's a half-truth.

Looking for these?

Why, you little-- Homie, you're all right! We're a family again!

This is our bar, and over there is our slot machine and card tables. Cool. Boss, here's the call for the third race. It's Suffering Succotash by a neck over Yabba-Dabba Do0, Ain't I a Stinker and That's All Folks. I am what I am can see them all, but Here comes Don't Have a Cow... flying on the outside!

You saved us, Homer. Mr. Moe? Prepare to surface. You wanna stop callin' me Mr. Moe? No.

You want this, don't you? Yeah! You need the winners, and I know them. So call me now. $5 for the first minute, $2 for additional minutes.

Eww! Dog water.

Oh! Why did I have to stop at the railroad tracks? Better get Some change.

Mr. Simpson, you do realize this may result in... hair loss, giddiness and the loss of equilibrium? Yeah, yeah, yeah. just give me the serum. It was worth it.

(DOORBELL RINGING)

Bart! You said you were gonna name it Camp Freedom! Aah, this has more zing. I dub thee Sir-- Urgent call for Mr. Clown. This better be important. Oy, gevalt!

Just like in real life. Hey, look over there!

Hmm. "Hercules Rockefeller. Rembrandt Q. Einstein. Handsome B. Wonderful." Oh! I'm going to give you the only name you spelled correctly. From this day forward, your name shall be-- "Max Power"?

Leprechaun? Don't they live in Ireland? Yeah. But they come over here in the wheel wells of Aer Lingus jets. You know, I was hexed by a troll, and a leprechaun cured that right up. Hey, you know, what's even better is Jesus. He's like six leprechauns. Yeah, but a lot harder to catch. Go with the leprechaun.

Good work, Simpson. I couldn't be happier with the way that went.

I toileth not on ye Sabbath, woman! A pox on thee!

What a crappy candle. You've ruined our vacation. You, gentle sir, are fired. Oh! Barely gettin' by it's all takin' and no givin' Oh, hello, young man.

All in favor? Aye!

You're all crazy. Crazy as a--

According to Eternity magazine the feeling of guilt has been linked to gamephenomene. Dow Chemical is developing a minty gel to eliminate excess guilt but it won't be on the market for six months so I guess you'll have to confess to Milhouse.

the valentines I never knew the Friday night charades of youth were spent on one more beautiful oh. At 17 Huh?

Howdy, children. I'd like to welcome you back to school. Boo! You know what? I agree. Wha-- Your old school was boring. That's why it failed, right? Well, we're not gonna make you memorize facts and dates. No, no, no. I'm gonna find out what you really love in life and teach to that.

What's going on here? I'm so bulgy. My stomach sticks way out in front and my--

If you make this promise, you have to keep it. Why ? 'Cause if you don't, I'll never believe anything you say... ever again. Aw, come on.

Only this Noah has been accused of killing two of every animal. Coming up next on A.M. Springfield. Oh, my goodness. That was a long movie. It's time for school. Let's go! Let's go! Uh, can't make it in today, Mr. Smithers.

Actually there are. Five, 10, 15, 20-- Uh, can you two share a hook? Yes, sir. We're fine then. I think we hit something. I hope it's Flanders. I'm just kidding! Hey, you're all right.

Mr. Goodbar to the front desk. The front desk is looking for Mr. Goodbar.

He aint no cowboy! Sure I am. Okay, he's in. Now let's rob the bank... give the money to the poor... then rob the poor and shoot the money! Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!

Mr. Simpson, I'm scared. (LAUGHING) Relax, stupid. Everything you see is make-believe. Although it is based on a true story. Some of which happened in this very theater. Oh, oh! Here comes my part!

"You will not see me again until I am a man." Oh, Homer... Homer! We're all in shock. I thought he'd tWo-time you for a while first.

Da-da da-da-da Hey!

Ain't nothin'. Uh-uh-uh. It is nothing. It's idiomatic, biatch. (GRUNTS) All right, (GUN COCKING) hand over the tape and nobody gets hurt.

Fine, curtsy boy. I'll try it your way. What the... Dad, Mr. Burns cut our power! Now, I can't print my paper! These batteries have to power everything in our house!

Where are we going? Uh, for frosty chocolate milk shakes! Frosty chocolate milk shakes!

Don't turn on the light! Don't turn on the light!

That's it, boy! It's time for your bath! Now go to bed. That is called parenting. I'm going to Moe's.

Someone finally bought a copy of your book, sir.

He's disrespecting us. Shutuppayouface! Shut up your face. What's-a matta, you? You ain't so big. Me and him are gonna whack you in the labonza! Bad grammar overload! Error! Error!

The United States is due to win a war sometime. Oh, good Lord! It a Swingline! (GASPS) (SCREAMS) Medic! (GROANS) (BOTH STRAINING) Skinner!

S-M-i-T-H-E-R-S. Success! It's ringing. Moe's Tavern. I'm looking for a Mr. Smithers, first name Waylon. Oh. So you're lookin' for a Mr. Smithers, eh? First name Waylon, is it? Listen to me, you!

- Chief, it's just a ham. - Oh, thank goodness. Well, boys, looks like we solved the case ofthe missing ham. Let's go.

Stupid dead woman. On top of spaghetti all covered with cheese I loSt my poor meatball-- If you don't mind! We're on our way to a funeral. Ding dong the witch is dead Which old witch The wicked witch Homer!

So are you calling Homer Simpson a liar? Well, we have obtained this footage of him with his pants on fire. Well, Homie, I believe you're telling the truth about the Isotopes.

Hell no. What did you say? I don't want any damn vegetables. All right. No Bible stories for you tonight. Weren't you a little hard on him? Well, you knew I had a temper when you married me. Ned Flanders is on the phone.

Pretty, huh, Chief? It sure is, Lou. It sure is. Get the tear gas. EaCh trip's A trip to paradise with my baby on board

Yay! Whee! It's a miracle no one was hurt. I stand on my record-- 15 crashes and not a single fatality. Let's see your license, pal. No can do. Never got one. If you need proof of my identity

You all seem to be forgetting the most important thing, which is, that it's wrong to imprison an animal. Lisa, go to your room.

What am I-- My bar is empty is what. Why ain't you guys there?

Sir Ian McKellen! You're my favorite Shakespearean actor. Thank you, my dear. Please take these free tickets to my play. What? What play? We thespians believe it's bad luck to mention the name of this particular play out loud.

(BEEPING) (BEEPING ERRATICALLY)

All right. I'll talk to Lisa's teacher this year. - You can have Bart's. - That's the way we do it every year. All right. Tell you what. I'm thinking of a number between 1 and 50. - Is it 37? - D'oh! I mean, no. Homer!

Something wrong, Officer? Yep. Got a taillight out. - Where? - Right there. You know, one day, honest citizens are gonna stand up to you crooked cops. They are? Oh, no! Have they set a date?

I make as much as "Malcolm in the Middle,"

I got a job for thee. Bring forth all the cookies from your kitchen and leave them on the Simpsons' porch. But those belong to our parents. Look, do you want a happy God or a vengeful God? Happy God. Then quit flapping your lip. Yes, sir. Yes, sir.

Hey, Moe. You got change for a five? Yeah, sure thing, Lenny. A snake in the cash register! Great prank, fellas. Great. Oh, I'm gonna be sick tonight. Hey, Moe, you wanna smell my flower?

Mmm! Forbidden doughnut.

"You have 10 minutes." "Your car has been impounded." "Your car has been crushed into a cube." "You have 30 minutes to move your cube." Y'ello. Mr. Burns's office. Is it about my cube?

Ohh! I hate these flood pants. Hey, they're working! My feet are soaked, but my cuffs are bone-dry! Everything's comin' up Milhouse!

I brought my own mike!

Sweet Enola Gay, son! I'm gonna come in there and corpse you up! Corpse you up and mail you to mama! Well, where'd he go? Oh, got my knuckles all lined up for nothing. Sorry, ladies.

Lincoln, Lincoln I been thinkin' What the hell have you been drinkin' is it water is it wine Oh, my gosh it's turpentine Red hot peppers ! Yaa-haah ! Go, go, go !

Ow. Wait a minute, Scully. What's the point of this test? No point. I just thought he could stand to lose a little weight. His jiggling is almost hypnotic. Yes. It's like a lava lamp.

(LAUGHING MALICIOUSLY) (BEEPS) (WHITE WEDDING PLAYING) It's a nice day for a white wedding It's a nice day to start again (LAUGHING MISCHIEVOUSLY) (MUSIC STOPS)

To friends he's known As monty but to you it's Mr. Burns bur-bur-bur-bur-bur burns burns!

Better head down to the D.M.V. These two broads will help you out.

Uh, you're not a sucker, are you, sir? Heavens, no! Oh, good.

Hey. Where is everybody?

What happened to my room? Nothing. They just needed a place to put all the electronic gizmos, and I know how much you like that science-y stuff. So I de-- You gave away my room? Come on, Lisa. Try and see this from the Omnitouch Corporation's point of view.

Son, there's something I was gonna give you at the end of this trip, but, since we may not survive, I want you to have it now. A real Swiss Army knife. Cool! I stole it from that Borgnine guy.

See you in hell, brussels sprouts.

I can't neuter you, boy. Not after all we've been through. But from now on, you better save your lovin' for the couch cushions.

Good-bye. Front desk, there's been a terrible accident in my room!

- Champagne ? - Please. There, my darling. Thank you. What cosmic force brought us together, Marge ?

No, Dad. She made a fool out of me.

Oh, Lisa, please. The only thing bruised in that fall was my spine. I'll be delighted. Great. There's only one thing I ask in return. - Certainly. - Pull my finger!

I won't say anything controversial.

'Scuse me, Lisa, but i couldn't help but overhear your nerdly predicament. Maybe I can be of assistance with the dancing and the twisting... and the kung fu fighting.

LISA AND JANEY: Miss Lucy had a steamboat The steamboat had a bell Miss Lucy went to heaven And the steamboat went to... (GASPS) Hell-o operator (SIGHS) Get me number nine And if you disconnect me I'll chop off your be...

Smithers, check out the luscious pair on that redhead. That's it, baby. Work those ankles. Ring-a-ding-ding, sir.

The hooligans! Bash his eyes out! It's a beautiful day to kick your ass! You die now!

Now, Mr. and Mrs. Simpson, the only houses I have in your price range... are in the neighborhood colorfully referred to as the "Rat's Nest." This one just came on the market.

Get to work! Wacky shack! Better be careful, Bart. Look at those warning signs. Solve your problem, Milhouse? Yep.

Whoa, that was the caller from hell. Well, hot dog, we have a "Wiener." Man, that thing's great. Don't praise the machine.

Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah ! Wha-- Nelson, you're bleeding. Nah, happens all the time. Somebody else's blood splatters on me. Hey, wait a minute. You're right. You made me bleed my own blood !

I am richer than you. (TRUMPETS PLAYING) Look out, Jonah. It's a whale. (ROARING) Jonah! Jonah! Jonah!

College is no place for a young girl...

My name is Barney, and I'm an alcoholic. Mr. Gumble, this is a Girl Scout meeting. Is it? Or is it that you girls can't admit you have a problem?

Do you have my teeth? No.

He's trying to climb over the fence! Now he's realizing he's too fat. He's digging a hole like a dog. Now he's given up on that and he's running back and forth. He's climbing into a pipe and he seems to be stuck. His legs are dangling in a comical fashion. Oh, it's the saddest thing I've ever seen.

I'm just waitin' for my kid. Mental note. Steal his idea.

Now remember, as far as anyone knows, we're a nice, normal family. Hey, Bart, last one in the fountain's a rotten egg !

Where are my kudos?

Let's hear it for the newest members... of the Fleet-A-Pita franchise. - I'm feelin' good from my head to my shoes - Maude! Helen! Agnes! Luann! Edna! Bart! Whoo! We're number one. We're number one. What's going on here? Wh-What? Hey.

If I don't save the wee turtles, who will? Gah! Save me from the wee turtles!

All right, folks. It's suppertime. Supper at 4:00? Whoo-hoo! What a sweet deal. Hey. They got chairs with wheels. And here I am using my legs like a sucker.

He's spinning the ball on his finger! just take it! Take the ball!

Nothin'. Here we go. Yeah. Homer? Homer! Huh? What the--

He's a smelly, ugly dork!

Hey! Where have you been all my life?

I'm Kent Brockman. At 3:00 p.m. Friday, local autocrat C. Montgomery Burns... was shot, following a tense confrontation at town hall. Burns was rushed to a nearby hospital, where he was pronounced dead. He was then transferred to a better hospital, where doctors upgraded his condition to alive. Now let's talk to Police Chief Wiggum.

I can hear you walking by-- It stinks! It stinks! It stinks! Yes, Mr. Sherman. Everything stinks.

Take that, Bowlarama. Take that, convenience mart. Take that, nuclear power pl-- Oh, fiddlesticks.

I said pull my finger!

Ooh ! Yeah. Oh, yeah ? Yeah. Yeah ! Yeah ? Oh, yeah ? Yeah. Hey, what's the problem here ?

But if we don't encourage her to vent her feelings, it can come out in other ways. I just realized we never had a wedding for the cat and the dog. They've been living in sin.

That was a right pretty speech, sir. But I ask you, what is a contract? Webster's defines it as "an agreement under the law which is unbreakable." "Which is unbreakable"! Excuse me. I must use the restroom.

Bull's-eye ! And another thing. When I gun the motor, I want people to think the world is coming to an end ! The mouse is named itchy, and the cat is named Scratchy. They hate each other. And they're not shy about expressing it. Good, good, good, good.

Well, this is the most important man on the tour. He's in charge of quality control. Fine. Fine. Mouse. Fine. Mouse. Rat. Fine. Syringe. Fine. Nose. Fine.

Oh, no! Not Lenny! Not Lenny! Yes, I'm going to have to work late... instead of seeing you and the kids, which is what I really want. Okay. Sure. Kids, turn off the TV. I have some bad news about Lenny. Not Lenny!

Hey, what the-- Oh! Everybody-- Everybody get naked! Come on. Don't be stuck-up. It's going to be great. Well, why not? This party's just getting started!

Let's have a warm Krusty welcome for my estranged father Rabbi Hyman Krustofski.

And you stood in their way.

It doesn't matter. They have free health care. I'm rich!

So, what are you in for? I moved here from Canada, and they think I'm slow, eh? I fell off the jungle gym, and when I woke up I was in here. I start fires.

I guess I am putting up the Halloween decorations a little early. Criticism accepted.

YOu-- YOu-- Ow! - You're... going... down, punk! - Ow! Ow! Ow!

What? Are you still here? I'm afraid we'll have to dispose of you. What are you spraying me with? Rum-- so no one will believe your story! And don't come back.

Look, our ratings are down, and the station is being swamped... with angry calls and letter bombs. And it's all your fault. Yes, it is, ma'am. This is the Dj-3000. It plays CDs automatically, and it has three distinct varieties of inane chatter.

It's my lifelong dream. Your lifelong dream was to run out on the field during a baseball game, and you did it last year, remember? Oh, yeah.

I have planned a far greater reward for you. When I pass on, you shall be buried alive with me. Oh. Goody.

Oh, this is so naughty.

Joe's Taxidermy. You snuff 'em, we stuff 'em. Boy, when I get home I'm going to wrap my hands around your neck... and smother you with kisses. Whatever they got you on, cut the dose.

but gave up after dickety-six miles. Dickety? Highly dubious. What are you cackling at, fatty? Too much pie. That's your problem. Now, I'd like to digress from my prepared remarks... to discuss how I invented the "terlet." Terlet. Ha!

here's A film that Will turn you into A vicious, soulless killer.

People die all the time, just like that.

A few years back, Bart was adopted by Mr. Burns. In this very special outtake, Homer attempts a reconciliation... with his estranged son. Watch. Bart, you're coming home. I want to stay here with Mr. Burns. I suggest you leave immediately.

Yes, Krusty? Bart, I need to get your fingerprints on a candlestick. Meet me in the conservatory chop-chop. - Don't worry. Everything's gonna be all right. - Oh! I wish I was dead.

That's cucumbers with cottage cheese!

Perhaps. But let's not get bogged down in semantics. I think what Lisa meant to say is-- And so, Gary Coleman and the Simpsons... argued long into the night. And then, as day broke, the spirit of the season entered their hearts.

The A.M.A. tries to drive you guys out of business. Now you're doing the same to me! Think about the irony. You've been warned. Stop chiropracting! Not unless you think about the irony!

What is your fascination with my forbidden closet of mystery?

Your burgers are getting cold, guy-- Holy moly.

Okay, but be quick.

My milk money. And my milk. Ew!

Children? Children children future future

- Okay. We own 'em. - Hmm. I brought you a tuna sandwich. They say it's brain food. I guess because there's so much dolphin in it, and you know how smart they are. It's no use. I can't work like this, cut off from the scientific community.

Look at how disciplined they are. They're just like the terra-cOtta warriors of Xi'an. They sure are. That's not so disciplined. They're just children, Mr. Simpson. I guess.

Thanks to my latest invention, the soul catcher. Let's bring it out and look at it. I may be a soul, but I'm hungry. Can you throw in a little matzo? Maybe a nice piece of fish. Why, of course, Father. Allow me to satisfy your Hebraic desires. That's a good shmendele. Oh, I've waited so long to hear you say that.

(GASPS) (SCREAMS) Medic! (GROANS) (BOTH STRAINING) Skinner! (ALL SCREAM) (STUTTERS) Yes, Superintendent Chalmers?

Marge, I'd like to be alone with the sandwich for a moment. Are you going to eat it? Yes. You look terrible. I don't care. I'm going to Duff Gardens.

Do you, Amber, take Abraham...

And, um, I'll just, uh, get us started. Uh, we'll need that to live.

One drop of this love potion, and you will have any man you desire. Really? What are the magical ingredients? Mostly corn syrup, a little rubbing alcohol. You'll be lucky if it doesn't make your hair fall out actually. Oh!

Oh, geez there. They got me livin' with an African-American, a Semite-American and a woman-American there! And I'm glad! I love youse all! I love everybody! I wish I'd saved my money from the first show. Oh, I can't wait. Look, Marge. I had a scorecard printed up...

Hmm? Turn off that racket! Yeah, fat chance, pops. Hello, Grampa, my old friend Your busy day is at an end Your exploits have been sad and boring

The sum of the square roots of any two sides of an isosceles triangle... is equal to the square root of the remaining side. - That's a right triangle, ya idiot! - D'oh!

Miss South Carolina. Nothin' could be finer. - Miss Delaware. - She, uh-- Good for her. La, la, la, la, la, la, la Marge, keep it down in there! Homer, my audition is in half--

No! Would the gentleman care for some cologne? You have anything with ground-up whale in it? But of course. Hey, dont we regular fans get anything? Hey, do we tip these guys or what?

I'm putting in a right-handed batter. Pinch-hitting for me?! Yes. You're a left-hander and so is the pitcher. If I send up a right-handed batter it's called playing the percentages. It's what smart managers do to win ball games. I've got nine home runs. You should be very proud. Sit down. Simpson! You're batting for Strawberry.

So it's, uh, standardized testing time again. Have you ever noticed how the dumb kids fill in the wrong circles? Seymour! Seymour! Lost my place. Maybe-- Maybe-- Maybe-- Maybe a little, uh, improv would raise the roof here. Would someone name a profession.

Well, I'm my own toughest critic, but I think it's genius. Now to sell it for millions. This comic strip is lame and derivative.

Impersonating the first lady.

Why don't we play Monopoly? Which version? We've got Star Wars Monopoly. Rasta-Mon-Opoly. Galip-Olopoly. Edna Krabappoly. Let's stick to original Monopoly. The game is crazy enough as it is. How can an iron be a landlord?

See you in hell, Seymour! Good-bye, Mother.

Cra-a-a-ap! Homie. Be strong, Marge. I'm sure he's gone to a better place. D'oh! Eew! This is the worst place yet.

Okay, Dad. Is one of you going to be on the charter flight ? - Yes, sir. - Mm-hmm. Come along. Bye. Be good. We'll miss you.

Thanks a lot, Simpson. Now I'm grounded.

In a bold move that has stunned Hollywood insiders, newly divorced comeback kid Troy McClure... has turned down the supporting lead in McBaiN iv... to direct and star in his own pet project,

The Bear Patrol must be working like a charm. That's specious reasoning, Dad. Thank you, honey. By your logic, I could claim this rock keeps tigers away. - Oh, how does it work? - It doesn't work. Uh-huh. It's just a stupid rock. Uh-huh. But I don't see any tigers around here, do you?

I got back at him though. Him and that little boy of his.

Bart, you want some brownie before you go to bed? Come on. Let me cut you a brownie while they're still hot.

Got any fruits or vegetables? Hey! Mr. Wimbley, it happened again.

Y'ello? Mayday, Mayday! The engine room has sprung a leak. It's filling up with a clear, nonalcoholic liquid. You mean, water? Yeah, that's it. We got a pinhole leak and there's no way to plug it.

Yes, sir. One Kwik-E dog, one bubble gum cigar,

Very well. It's buried at 4723 Maple Valley Road. You take Highway 201 south for 15 minutes. You take a left, a left--

I'm going to do what I should have done a long time ago.

Oh, yeah. Hey, there, Kirk. Oh, boy! What's going on? Patio party? Nah. A possum drowned in the pool. You have any garbage bags? Ah, just throw it over the fence. Let Arby's worry about it.

Who died and made you boss? Mr. Estes, the publications adviser. I edited the whole thing. If you hadn't done it, some other loser would have, so quit milking it.

Scully, you're cut. Uh, Brooks, Groening, Simon, you're all cut. Castellaneta, gone. Kavner, cut. Cartwright, cut. Smith, sorry. Cut. Azaria and Shearer, you're cut. Firestone, you're cut. So is judge. Namath, you stay.

And while you're there, would you pick up some of that nice green moon money for me-- Royce McCutcheon. No deal, McCutcheon. That moon money is mine!

Ohhh! Now, calm down, Neddilly-diddilly-diddilly- diddilly-diddilly. They did their best. Shodilly-idilly- iddilly-diddilly. Gotta be nice. Hostility- diddilly-diddilly-diddilly-- Aw, hell! Diddily-ding-dong crap! Can't you morons do anything right?

I can't get any closer. You'll have to jump! Piece of cake, son. Crap! Crap! Crap! Crap! Crap! Crap! Crap! Crap! Crap! Crap!

Sorry, Dad. Women and children first. What the-- Where the hell are my keys ? Who stole my keys ? Come on. I'm late for work.

We live in a highly technological age where fighting a war... is as simple as turning off a light. We don't have a Clapper. Sorry, I can't hear you, Marge. I'm clapping.

(LAUGHS) This is either about me or steroids. Thanks to professional jerk-ass, Homer Simpson, athletes are now taunting and boasting just to get on our highlight reel. Disgusting. Now here's our highlight reel. (DANCE MUSIC PLAYING) Art comes from pain. Your pain.

Huh? Well, I was born in Queens, went to Ball State, then made the move to Intercourse, Pennsylvania. Uh, why do you ask? Don't worry, sir. I'll teach these children some respect for their town. I'm assigning each of you 20 hours of community service. Community service? No, no! Intercourse? What if we refuse?

Don't you want to play "good cop, bad cop"? Ma'am, we're all good cops. I had no intention of playing the good cop.

There's a happy baby. Arent you?

The other girls are already into fashion and makeup and dating. They make me feel like a little baby. Oh, honey. A baby couldn't have organized a big school dance... unless it was especially skilled. Or one of those super-babies from Brazil. Forget it, Mom. I'm not going.

Grampa? Grampa! Oh, why did you wake me? I was having the nicest dream. I dreamt I was the queen of the Old West. I kept a six-shooter in my garter, I did. Do we have a deal? Sure, sure.

But, Aquaman, you cannot marry a woman without gills. You're from two different worlds. Oooh, I've wasted my life.

People soiled our green! And now they're out there somewhere, naked as the day God made them! Boy, I'll tell ya. They only come out at night. Or in this case, uh, the daytime. You've got to catch them!

From this day forward, your name shall be-- "Max Power"? Dynamic, isn't it?

I see wedding bells for Vanna White and Teddy Kennedy. Please, If we could just stick to Principal Skinner. Chief Wigham, I am merely a conduit for the spirits. Willie Nelson will astound his fans by swimming the English Channel. Really? Willie Nelson?

I'm coming, sweetheart! I'll save you, Lisa! (RUMBLING) Oh, my God! Oh!

Yech. The kids are supposed to be keeping this yard clean. Aaah! Oh, Ned, I'm so sorry.

Oh. Well, I could use a good laugh. Well, there's nothing funny about what you're about to go through. I know. I'm in the zipper club myself. - Ahh! - You seem okay. Yeah? Well, I got news for ya. This ain't makeup.

Hey, hot stuff. I’ve got a competition tomorrow. I could use a good-luck snuggle.

What's a Tim Conway? Oh, about a 120 pounds.

Hey, there, Kirk. Oh, boy! What's going on? Patio party? Nah. A possum drowned in the pool. You have any garbage bags? Ah, just throw it over the fence. Let Arby's worry about it. That's jerry. He's a major player down at the sewing store.

You said it, Phil. It's the bimonthly Springfield sci-fi convention. That's right. It's Bi-Mon-Sci-Fi-Con. Come meet all your favorite stars: Mark Hamill, Alf, and many more. Plus tag team robot wrestling.

Whoo-hoo-hoo! Hee-hee! Ho-ho! Oh, my.

That's not fair, Nelson. They didn't have the Killmatic 3000 back then. Hey, records from that era are spotty at best. Huh! Ohh! Bart! Lisa! Time for church! Milhouse, time for church!

You are so beautiful to me Can't you see can't you see Oh, Homer !

Aw, thanks, Lenny. When am I gonna be initiated? - As soon as Number One gets here. - Number One? What kind of stupid wiener name is that? "Hello. My name is Number One." And so forth. We call each other by number, not by name.

All my friends are back in Phoenix and this town has a weird smell that you're all probably used to but I'm not. It takes about six weeks.

The only true Catwoman is julie Newmar, Lee Meriwether or Eartha Kitt. And I didn't need molded plastic to improve my physique. Pure West. And how come Batman doesn't dance anymore? Remember the Batusi?

Hey! What are you doing, man? That's Carl!

Your fingers are so slender, so feminine. They're far too tapered for the ball you're using. You'll need something lighter, more delicate. Here, use my ball. Mm, no. No. No, thank you, Mr., um, Brunswick. Call me jacques. jacques. Marge.

Change the channel! I can't! I can't!

Give me those! And those. And those.

And there's one Itchy and Scratchy cartoon I don't think we'll ever forget. Why'd you bring that up?

Add one informed electorate. Baste well with veto power."

Hey, hey! Hey, hey! Hey, hey! Lazy, eh? Get him, boys! Wake up! Wake up! Wake up! Okay, okay!

oh, every night

You? Sure. You've never been?

I hustled a lot of pool. Hey, you want to play? I gotta warn ya. I ain't that good. (LAUGHS) All right.

Homer, I thought you were an animal, but your daughter said you were a decent man.

that you've done a wonderful job with Lisa. You must have read to her at a young age. I did. I did read to her. "8:00. Happy Days. "The Fonz, Henry Winkler, is worried he's losing his cool." Well, I've always been a firm believer in the three "Rs"--

i'm finally getting my comeuppance!

He's a robot. We saw him on the way in. Thank you, Bart. All right. Come in. They know. Kids, this is Robby the Automaton. Greetings, Earth children. Where are you from? Earth.

Why don't those stupid idiots let me in their crappy club for jerks?

- Not even a little one? - No!

How did you get on the radio? What do you mean? I created the universe, stupid kids. Forgive my brother. We believe you. Talk is cheap. Perhaps a test of thy faith. Walk through the wall. I will remove it for you... ...Later.

Aw, man. We could've been on the cover of Mad. They called me "Smelson!" Ha-ha! Smelson. It's funny 'cause you smell. Smelson. I could've thought of that. Sure ya could've. Off ya go now.

I was banned from the car wash forever. Forever? How awful! I would have killed Dinkley for that. As you can see, we're a contemptible lot of cads, bounders and tiger stabbers. Come, stranger. join our circle of infamy. Tell us your story of ennui.

Look, you're a sweet kid. But I'm not exactly father material. I curse, I gamble, I pick fights with homeless people, I--

No. She won an Oscar, and he's a congressman. Good night! But first, E.T., phone Homer... Simpson, that is.

Every brain unlocks more secrets of the universe. Muffins are surprisingly high in calories. The pyramids were actually built by Sears. He's right! It all checks out!

I'd be a publisher, just like Katharine Graham! Or that lady who wheels Larry Flynt around. Mr. Burns, perhaps it's best you were snatched away before time could diminish your beauty. Stop your wailing, Waylon! I'm alive! MR. BURNS: Oops!

and jet off to Raleigh-Durham.

Ugly. Ugly. Butch. What's the matter? Can't you find a hairstyle you like? Hold the phone. That's the one for me. - Ed Asner? - No, next to him. Mary Tyler Moore. - Mmm. - Mmm. - Mmm.

Lisa graduating two years early. And Bart... Graduating.

Springfield Gorge ? I thought we'd settled this daredevil junk !

Yahoo! And every night the monkey butlers will regale us with jungle stories.

Oh, Moe! They're dead! And it's all my fault! When did that happen? We'll catch ourselves a leprechaun... using these Lucky Charms as bait.

Whoa! Some things man is not meant to know.

got A dress For Mary and A sewing game A plane For Johnny and A Cowboy gun he's got something For everyone hooray, hooray oh, here's A merry Sleigh jingling, jingling jingling, jingling santa's on his way

Pretty soon, every boy and girl in Springfield Elementary School is gonna come see this thing. Really ? Why ?

Hey, hey, hey. I hear you, buddy. Whew. Full moon. Hmm. Still got it.

Can I touch it? I've worked too long and hard on this... for you to screw it up now. But it's got my name on it. just stand over there. Over there! Behold the flying machine that will carry me,

we are canceling art, music and dance. Please evacuate the auditorium before it's bulldozed into a mini-mall. So, is that your usual coffee mug? Yep. Hmm. Looks a little bigger.

The milk really takes the edge off.

Leopold. All right. You listen up, you little freaks! The fun stops here. You're gonna shut your stinkin' traps and behave, damn it! This is one substitute you're not gonna screw with! Marge Simpson. Hello, class!

That's one fine-looking barbecue pit. Why doesn't mine look like that? Why? Da-- Why? Why must life be so hard? Why must I fail in every attempt at masonry?

and its small clientele of loyal perverts. Oh, I'm afraid this problem goes far beyond Eugene and Rusty.

Ha! You ain't goin' nowhere, cutie.

Yes. Move the... What's a joy stick? Oh, oh! Here comes a Xylon cruiser! Go into hyperspace! Wait! Where's the hyperspace? Grandpa, you're the spaceship. I thought I was this guy. - Oh! - Oh! Game's over.

Presenting Princess Kashmir, queen of the mysterious East. Now this is what I call a party.

You've been safety inspector for two years. What initiatives have you spearheaded? Uh... all of them? I see.

Oh, there's something I used...

Yeah, you're right. Guys are always patting my bald head for luck, pinchin' my belly to hear my girlish laugh. Hmm. That doesn't sound like they like you at all. You're right. First thing tomorrow, I'm gonna punch Lenny in the back of the head.

ANNOUNCER 1 ON TV: Malibu Stacey wants a craft room and Malibu Ken needs a closet for all his beach thongs. They'll get help from designer Jeremy on, Dollhouse Do-Overs. We'll also show you how to turn a shoebox into a you-box. Oh, I missed the feeding frenzy. I hope you're happy.

Take that, Mom! Take that, Dad! Send me to a psychiatrist, will you? Take that, Dr. Sally Waxler!

Cobbler. The other thing about TV dinners, you don't have leftovers, you have reruns. TV dinner jokes? Ooh! Take that, Swanson's.

Oh, wise guy, eh? (GROANING) MARGE: I got the Roofi tickets! I got them fair and square and I kept my dignity, not like Janie's mom.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. My Christmas shopping's done. Poor Krusty. We gotta do something to help him. Yeah. And to make things even more suspenseful, our plane leaves in a half hour!

One "Mother," please. Wait a minute. How old are you ? Twenty-one, sir. Get in the chair.

the pen is mightier than the flaming bag of poop. Oh, it's beautiful! This is an outrage! Since when are public figures fair game for satire? Your goons did run her off the road, sir. I can't be held responsible for what my goons were ordered to do!

The Be Sharps. The Be Sharps. The Be Sharps. The Be Sharps. Why, you can't blame a guy for tryin'. Oh, you're all under arrest.

Now, Homer, if there's anything else I can do for you, please don't hesitate to ask. Mr. Burns, can you make me thin again? I guarantee it.

You know, Bart, when I was your age, I pulled a few boners. But I think you'll find that people are pretty decent... if you give them half-- Look ! There it is-- The head ! Kill him !

Burns would still find some way to take it from me. I can't believe you, Grampa. The sergeant in that story you told would never be scared of a dork like Burns. You gotta get that treasure. You gotta do it for Ox and Asa and Griff and Burnsie! Well, not so much Burnsie. You really think I can do it?

Help ! Help ! Faster, faster ! We gotta save Bubbles. Oh, man, I can't take it anymore. But I want to see what happens ! You know what happens. They find Captain Kook's treasure. All the elves dance around like idiots. I puke. The end.

That's despicable! You're the kind of city slicker... my family left Central Park West to avoid. You got a lot of chutzpah, missy. Good-bye. Oh, I had my first crush,

I am the Lizard Queen! Give her this... and this... and then these. Oh, thank you, Doctor. Oh, I'm not a doctor.

You must have something you want to wish for. Hmm, let's see... Nah. Hmm... Hey! I've got an ambition to do some wishin'. Keep your pants on, Flanders! I'm wishing as fast as I can! Ooh!

Excuse me. Paul Bunyan never fought Rodan.

I know it seems far-fetched, even insulting to your intelligence. But there's a simple and highly satisfying explanation. You see-- Hey, everybody! Surf's up! Cowabunga! Woo! Uh! Uh!

I certainly hope so! That's better. Now, about your punishment, young man. I know. I'll go to my room and think about what I did. Oh, no, your room is full of toys. You're going to the, uh, garage. You're the boss.

(CHUCKLES) Mmm-hmm. Chicken skins in soap dispenser, cigarette butts in the air, toilet on the roof. I'm shutting you down till you fix these violations. Oh, man, I can't afford to fix all that stuff. Oh! Nuts.

I don't really know, sir. Simpson !

What do you mean, the bank is out of money? Insolvent? You only have enough cash for the next three customers?

Hubba-hubba. Stop that! I love my wife and family. All I'm gonna use this bed for is sleeping, eating and maybe building a little fort. That's it! Free mouthwash! Free shampoo!

The name's poochie D. and I rock the telly i'm half Joe camel and A thIrd fonzarelli I'm the kung fu hippie from gangster city I'm A rappin' surfer you the fool I pity Ooh, Poochie is one outrageous dude. He's totally in my face. Wiggity, wiggity. Word up. Rock on, party.

Dad, I'm really sorry, but I charged $350 on your credit card. What? Don't worry. Here's the cash. Whoo-hoo! $350. Now, I can buy 70 transcripts of Nightline. But, Dad-- Oh, well, he's happy.

Hey. This milk's broken. It's got a computer chip in it. Everything does. Oh! Oh!

Well, I couldn't possibly solve this mystery. Can you?

Who? That fat jamaican guy. What'd I say? What's goin' on? Hey, we're just tryin' to have a good time, narc. Why do you want to destroy us? Don't commit your hate crimes here! Hate crime! Okay, I'm heading out now. More butt support. More butt support! D'oh!

If we get him alive, we can put him on Broadway. Dead, we'll sell monkey stew to the army. Ooh! Keep your hands to yourself, mister. Now we don't want to kill him.

I hope you're happy, kid. The studio's bankrupt. You just killed Itchy and Scratchy. We killed Itchy and Scratchy? Good riddance. Wanna go celebrate? I feel like liver and onions. Mmm.

Ah, so you don't have that killer instinct. Big deal. Yeah, honey. Even if you don't succeed in the business world, you're still the world's greatest wife and mother. So that's how you see me?

Good-bye, Lisa. We'll miss you. Oh, no! Lisa's gone! And nothing will bring her back. Unless-- Dad, I'm not dead. Oh, praise God! You're alive. Unless-- Oh, my.

This man's an illegal alien. That's preposterous. Zutroy here is as American as apple pie. Mr. Burns. This plant violates every labor law in the book.

Now you're making your own alcohol? That's even more illegal than what you were doing before. Remember, honey, we're disobeying an unjust law here. We're patriots, like all those people in jail.

The Pigskin Classic between the Shelbyville Sharks... and our own Springfield Atoms. If you have the fever, there's only one cure. Take two tickets and see the game Sunday morning. Warning: Tickets should not be taken internally. See? Because of me, now they have a warning. Hey, Dad, sell you these for 50 bucks.

Congressman Beauregard? Hmm? I don't want to fight no union! All in favor? Aye! Motion carried. The system works! I've become enchanted and illusioned with Washington.

A lot of these are Grand Funk Railroad songs! And we don't know "Pac-Man Fever." Oh, come on. It plays itself! Pac-Man fever Doo-doo-doo-doo It's a-driving me crazy Look, Lisa. Daddy's in the Who. Ooh!

Thank you. You have fulfilled our dreams, and dreams of our ancestors. Tune in tomorrow, when another lucky family... tries to win their dreams... on Happy Smile Super Challenge Family Wish Show. Family Wish Show. Hmm.

Check with the F.B.I.! I have a file! I have a file! Eh, better take both of them. I don't really think that was necessary. - They wanted to be astronauts. - I know.

Whoa! (EXCITED CHATTER) KID 1: Check it out! KID 2: Whoa, look at that! Ahh... I wish I had that shirt. It's clever, funny, and would cover my boy boobs nicely. I'm too sexy for my shirt

Look, Lisa. I'm still trying to get to know you.

He unholied the holy water! That's him, all right. I'll be happy to take him off your hands. Oh, I'm afraid that's impossible, Bart. He's no longer among us. You didn't crucify him? No. He's safely with one of our parishioners. I'll give you his address if you like.

Please? I'll be gentle. Oh, fine. Wedgie! (LAUGHING) Milhouse, you went Cap City on him. Springfield baby in a diaper, poked his eye with a windshield wiper. Springfield baby! Springfield baby!

Spell "AC/DC." A-C-D-C. Uh-uh. You forgot the lightning bolt. - "Relapse." - R-E-L-A-P-S-E. That's what beer has done to me.

Hey! Let me out of here! Let me out, please! We'll give you gold.

Holy g-force, Batman! The blood’s rushing to my head! That's right, my panicky chum. In a few moments you and I will literally... blush ourselves to death. Oh, my. This is taking a long time.

ate Guatemalan insanity peppers. Then I-- Oh. Where am I? Shelbyville? Man, this is crazy. I hope I didn't brain my damage. I better check my pupils.

When Homer sold his soul for a doughnut,

others hunt For food the only thing I'm hunting For is an outfit that looks good

Hey, these aren't my pills ! Now, now, Mr. Simmons. Don't make me call Nurse Bronski. It's Simpson, damn it ! And these aren't my pills ! Excuse me, Nurse. My name is Simmons, and I think I have the wrong pills. I get two red ones for my back spasms, a yellow one for my arrhythmia...

I waved at him in the parking lot and he stared right through me.

Look, Smithers. A creature of pure malevolence. He's the perfect one to suckle at my proverbial teat. You there, boy! What day is this?

I don't believe this... Sideshow Bob.

This is less encouraging. Hello! So, what do you think, Marge? All I need is a title. I was thinking along the lines of...

I don't know. I'd better sleep on it. Grampa? Grampa! Oh, why did you wake me? I was having the nicest dream. I dreamt I was the queen of the Old West.

Kids, sometimes when a daddy learns that a mommy always hated him... he needs some time away to think. But you’re not gonna get divorced like Milhouse’s parents, are you? Oh, no, no. This is nothing like Milhouse’s parents. Now, if you need me, I'll be staying with Milhouse’s father.

I feel like such an idiot. Hey, bottom bunk's mine. Keep going.

Aren't you glad we got out of the house... and came downtown for a little culture? They're butchering the classics. Could that bassoon have come in any more late? Oh, come on, Homer. There's lasers. You like lasers.

Hmm? Well, well. Finishing something?

I've got to fire that agent.

Don't you have any sense of corporate responsibility? Rrrr? Hey.

You have ruined my work, you flying fat man!

Relax. We're just looky-loos. We're only here to compare our lifestyle to our neighbors'.

Oh, I don't know what's come over jimmy. He won't do his homework, he only salutes the flag with one finger... and he comes home every night with other people's blood on his shirt. He's a rebel, I tell you. A rebel without a cause. just like that boy in that popular movie we saw.

First on our tour is the whorehouse. Then we'll visit the cathouse, the brothel, the bordello,

We can wait. Come to papa.

I guess. ANNOUNCER: The Talbot Report with Chloe Talbot. Tonight Chloe interviews Bob Dylan. So, Bob, what religion are you converting to now? Hey, I'll tell you one thing... (UNINTELLIGIBLE GIBBERISH)

I knew we should have gone to the bird sanctuary. I need the biggest seed bell you have. No, that's too big.

Relax, Simpson. I just brought you in here for a friendly hello. And good-bye! You're fired! But wait. Perhaps I'm being too hasty. You are highly skilled...

And keep sobbing till he turns away in disgust. That's when it's time to kick some back. And then when he's lying out on the ground-- Yeah? Kick him in the ribs. Yeah? Step on his neck. Yeah? And run like hell.

Poor Santa's Little Helper. I'm starting to think we'll never see him again. That was his dish and that was his leash and that's where he took a whiz on the rug. Homer, get a hold of yourself.

Why, certainly, Pop 'n' Fresh. I owe my robust physique to your tubes of triple-bleached goo. Whoo-hoo! Hey, everybody, if you wanna ask Burns for a favor, now's the time!

All right. Fine. Fine. Uh, "Maya Buttreeks."

Homie, what happened to you? Marge, please. I'm too upset to talk about it. But seeing you like this is more than I can bear.

Got any messages for jimi Hendrix?

This boy's appendix is inflamed and about to burst, which will make it easier to find once I get in there. Man, these are primo seats. I could really go for a hot dog. Homer, this is an operation! Hot dogs! Get your hot dogs here! Whoo-hoo!

Oh, wow! Windows! I don't think I could afford this place. Hello. I am not interested in buying the house, but I would like to use your rest room, flip through your magazines, rearrange your carefully shelved items... and handle your food products in an unsanitary manner.

Happy birthday. Happy birthday.

if we just talked like normal he'd probably stay many people in this town sing like we do there's Mr. Burns there's crusty and even apu Whether igloo, hut or lean-to or a geodesic dome,

Quick! Moe, Marge cut off my thumb! Lisa! Mom, where'd you get that car? I stole it from McBain after I cut off your father's thumb. Can you take me to school, please? Not right now. Your father's in there, and--

Now your king and queen will share their first royal dance. Aww ! Why do birds suddenly appear Every time you're near I gotta get out of here.

Man, this place looks expensive! I feel like I'm wasting a fortune just standing here. Better make the most of it.

Yeah. But at least now that my show's canceled, I don't need material. So there's no need to lure my dad into the trap I set for him. The trap!

Hello, Helen. Marge. - Edna. - Marge. Uh-- Oh-- Oh, my name is Agnes, and you know it's Agnes! It means lamb. Lamb of God. I'm sorry, Agnes. Marge.

The world's most popular billionaire--

This just in. Krusty the Clown staged a press conference today... to defend himself against charges that his products are unsafe, his theme park is a deathtrap, and that he's marketing videos of Tonya Harding's wedding night.

Finally, the big day came.

Let me put it this way-- You'll get $25 if you sell now.

- Wow. Thanks for saving us. - No problem. Now let's get you kids home. Wait a minute. Xena can't fly. - I told you. I'm not Xena. I'm Lucy Lawless. - Oh.

(ROARING) Oh, my God! Lenny! Carl! Bart! ALL: Rubbing sticks and stones together Makes the sparks ignite And the thought of loving you is getting so exciting Skyrockets in flight (HOMER SCREAMING)

Rain Came down, it started to get muddy, muddy get thoSe animals out on the arky, arky Leave me alone. Dad, the heathen's getting away.

You can't create a monster and then whine when he stomps on a few buildings.

Yes, but we're prepared for that. We've lined up a fabulous type of gorilla that thrives on snake meat. Then we're stuck with gorillas! No, that's the beautiful part. When wintertime rolls around, the gorillas simply freeze to death. Hmm.

I don't know! This is a nightmare! You're all sick! Oh, be nice!

You can still win money if you have five out of six. Woo-hoo! And the second number is three.

just like the dead clown promised! Wow. There's Bill Gates, Stephen Hawking, Paul McCartney, Michael jordan, Michelle Kwan. They must be starting a new civilization on Mars with our best and brightest. That's us! Name, please.

"The Flintstones Meet The jetsons."

Grab your guns and follow mel - Yeah! - All right!

- I like you. - Um, all right.

It burns! It burns!

I'm sorry, Dad. You're fired!

Some say the ducks went to Canada. Others say Toronto. And some people think that Joe used to sit down there, near those ducks. But it could be that there's just no room in this modern world... for an old man and his ducks.

Huh? Help! Mr. Burns! Aaah! Oh, look. She's presenting. We thought this would take years to happen.

Vote Lisa! Vote Lisa! Vote Lisa!

I don't know what to say. just tell me what you know I want to hear. I'm dying of jealousy. Thank you.

The Simpsons D'oh! Marge, stop this crazy thing!

Huh? Look at Burns's suit! Yeesh! What? Oh! Oh. I had an idea, Chief. Why don't we check out that suit Burns was wearing when he got shot? Did you have the same backwards-talking dream with the flaming cards? I'll drive.

Don't worry. This is an all-terrain vehicle. My feet are getting wet ! Oh, come on. We're getting back to nature. Mom, I'm scared. We all are, dear. Your father says there's nothing to worry about.

Hot diggity damn! That's good enough for me!

Help! All this does is shoot bubbles. Silly String! Kids, I'll go find your mother. Dad, we're canceling the rest ofthe play. What play? What the hell is he talking about? Marge? I'm gonna sleep down here tonight.

and I hope you'll find it in your heart not to drive awa-- Well, I'll be all right as long as I can remember my army training. Dang!

It seems the federales have been tipped off by an anonymous whistle-blower. Mm-hmm. Now, while the plant is brought up to code, there will be massive layoffs. That is to say, total layoffs. Toodles!

(SCREAMS) (BRAKES SCREECHING)

and that there was no line you could cross... that could make me stop loving you. But last night you didn't just cross that line, you threw up on it. I'm sorry, honey. Can't we just forget it and go to church ? I'm going to church alone today. You're going to stay here and explain to Bart why you scarred him for life.

Louie Louie Oh, no i said we gotta go Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah We built this city This kick-ass city

The polite thing to do would've been to clean the shells first. Shoo! Shoo! I guess I should give this back to you. I showed it to your friends again before we left. - Bart! - Look inside.

When you surrender yourself to the Movementarians, you are guaranteed a perfect life of serenity, love and loving serenity. Not a guarantee. Loving serenity. It's about damn time!

It's time for me to bend over and receive my destiny. Thank you, Bart. I promise I won't make fun of you later for this. Show 'em what American butts are made of, Son.

Hi, kids. How was Duff Gardens?

Castellaneta, gone. Kavner, cut. Cartwright, cut. Smith, sorry. Cut. Azaria and Shearer, you're cut. Firestone, you're cut. So is judge. Namath, you stay. All of those people are cut. Bill Schultz and Wolf and Silverman.

'Scuse me. Pardon me. 'Scuse me.

Mr. Burns, in light of your unbelievable contempt for human life, this court fines you three million dollars. Smithers, my wallet's in my right front pocket. Oh, and, uh, I'll take that statue of justice too. Sold!

Those all come from the same animal! Oh, yeah, right, Lisa. A wonderful, magical animal.

Ah, that's nice. Hey, it's gettin' cloudy. Oh, boy.

All right. Lights out! Aah! Damn it. Lights on! Lights on! Lights out. Lights out.

This is Krusty Brand Imitation Gruel. Nine out of 10 orphans can't tell the difference. Yo, Mr. Black. Another brandy. Gentlemen, to evil. Marge, since the kids left, I've lost five pounds!

I'm going to shave you bald, young man, until you learn that hair is not a right-- it's a privilege. What's in the bag, wuss?

But Homer ran Sure wish I could say That I was his I hope that Marge knows

Hello. I'm Leonard Nimoy. The following tale of alien encounters is true. And by true, I mean false. It's all lies. But they're entertaining lies.

Homer, I painted that for you. Okay, Marge, if anyone asks, you require 24-hour nursing care, Lisa's a clergyman, - Maggie is seven people, and Bart was wounded in Vietnam. - Cool!

Looks like those clowns in Congress did it again. What a bunch of clowns. How does he keep up with the news like that? Whoo-ho-ho-ho!

Now, if anyone would like to stay, I'm going to hold a comprehensive review session after every class. Do we have to? No. Then kiss my curvy butt good-bye. Whoo-hoo!

Homer, I'd like you to remember Matthew 7:26. The foolish man who built his house on sand.

Let's roll. One-Ocean-Tango. We're in pursuit of a speeding individual driving a red... car, license number Eggplant-Xerxes- Crybaby-Overbite-Narwhal. Oh, no. Cops.

- It's lunchtime. - You go ahead. Hey, you don't wanna eat? What you do, get one of them stomach staples? As Tolstoy said in Quotable Notables, "Give me learning, sir, and you may keep your black bread." Who is that bookworm, Smithers? Homer Simpson, sir. Simpson, eh? How very strange. His job description clearly specifies an illiterate.

Hey, get away from him, you little freaks.

Sorry, Homer. While you were daydreaming, we ate all the doughnuts. Well, there were a few left, but we chucked 'em at an old man for kicks. Damn buzzards! I ain't dead yet! All right. Stay calm. Remember your training.

I can't get out! I'm trapped. I can't breathe!

He was granting favors to aii of his bestest buddies. I think we could scare that movie producer by putting a horse's blanket in his bed.

Hey, better yet, Bart could shoot a deer. That's like shooting a beautiful man.

I can't believe Vincent Price would lend his name to such a shoddy product. Now what do we do? Let's call the company. Mom, this was made in 1967. They're probably out of business.

ln second place, Marge Simpson!

Well, we used to do-- i know, but i don't like it. Look who's here! Ooh, who's a good boy? He's the best boy! Oh, yes, he is! Yes, he is!

I got carried away with being popular,

Well, well, well. If it isn't Homer Simpson and Barney Gumbel, Springfield's answer to Cheech and Chong. Allow me, gentlemen. You just bought yourselves three days of detention. You know where and when. 3:00, old building, room 106. And in another article, I found out...

Oh. I never thought I'd have to do this again. Reverend Lovejoy! You've gotta help me. My entire family has been taken in by the evil Movementarians. Oh, I feel for you, my child, and I'd like to help you.

YOu-- YOu-- Ow! - You're... going... down, punk! - Ow! Ow! Ow!

Willie hears ya. Willie don't care.

Standing tall on the wings of my dream Rise and fall on the wings of my dream

Seltzer is for drinking, not for spraying. Pie is for noshing, not for throwing. But, Papa... But nothing! You'll do as I say or you'll get such a zetz that you won't even know what hit you. Dad wanted me to follow in his footsteps but the pull of clowning was too strong.

and talk show mainstay Dr. Joyce Brothers. I brought my own mike! Yes. Well.

I love that little shill. - Let's get her that diary. - I agree. A girl should have her own private diary. I had to share mine with my uncle. Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

Okay. Shake. (WHIMPERS) Psych! There's spiders in your hair. That's what you call commitment to a bit. Mr. Bo-jangles Mr. Bo-jangles

Hi, Lisa. We're going to be in a pie!

Oh, Son, this monkey's gonna change my life. Mind if I take him for a ride? Sure. I'll just stand here. Mmm, I can't wait to eat that monkey.

And I just wanna say the people here have been super to me and Sideshow Mel. The food, the grog-- Oh, they threw us a brunch yesterday... with fresh fruit and the most delicious melon-- Ooh, we ate till we "plotzed." And of course, the thing I'm gonna miss most... is those special, special Mt. Splashmore water slides, God bless 'em.

Oh, you're the bee's knees, baby. I missed you bad. Were you talking to me, Grampa? Um, yes. Eww! We're still not close. Boy, this is gonna be an all-night brain-buster.

Smashing. Maybe you could give us a personal tour of your country. I'd love to but I'm late for an appointment. I'm greeting a lovely Dutch couple at Gate 23. Cheerio. Wow! I can't believe we met Mr. Bean!

It'll be great to see the old gang again-- Potsie, Ralph Malph, the Fonz. That was Happy Days. No, they weren't all happy days. Like the time Pinky Tuscadero crashed her motorcycle. Or the night I lost all my money to those card sharks... and my dad Tom Bosley had to get it back.

What am I supposed to do here? Nothing. just sit. I'll be back.

Can you help him, Doctor? Oh, my, yes. Why, if I had $75 for every novelty I've removed-- Oh, by the way, I'll need a check for $75. Yes, I think a series of painful injections... directly into Bart's spine should get the job done.

Oooh, I've wasted my life.

Thanks, Mr. Burns. I owe it all to walking. Walking, eh? Let me give it a try. Whoa! Well, I'd better drag myself to the hospital. Oh, dear. Smithers, scoop me up.

Like a giant billboard that says, "No fat chicks"?

Welcome to Super Friends! Huh? Welcome, Super Friend! I am called Ham, since I enjoy ham radio. This is E-mail, Cosine, Report Card, Database and Lisa. Your nickname will be Cosmos.

Hello? Uh, yeah, Mrs. Simpson, I have some bad news. Your husband was found D.O.A. Oh, my God! He's dead? Oh, wait. I mean D.W.I. I always get those two mixed up. My name's Mrs. Phillips. You said my husband is D.W.I.

everybody body's doin it

But it comes with a free frogurt. That's good. The frogurt is also cursed. That's bad. But you get your choice of topping. That's good! The toppings contain potassium benzoate. That's bad. Can I go now?

Missed me! Stupid horoscope. Stupid horoscope! "Cloopid blorapope."

No one's gonna beat you, Son. You're gonna get such a beating. Hey, vote Simpson. Hi. Nice to see you. Hey, thanks for coming out. Putting on weight, huh? - Lenny, my man-- - So, Homer, if we vote for you, what are you gonna do different? What am I, the answer man? just vote for me.

I used to love Springfield Park. But it's gotten so run-down. (MEN MOANING) (DOG HOWLING) Oh, the "prid" is gone. (SIGHS IN DISGUST) This whole place is disgusting.

Wipe out an entire species? Why, that's impossible.

That was capital. My lung is aching. I liked when I threw the pudding. Do it again. I'll make it an even eight. You're the boss. Ow! I'm in hell! Let's keep the laughs coming, eh, Simpson? What say I make you my executive in charge of recreation?

But try to see it my way. All my life, I've been an obese man trapped inside a fat man's body. Have you told Mom about this? No. It would only worry her. If you want to add to her worries, go ahead. I guess I'm just a little more grateful for all she's done for us. Dad! Yes, sweetheart? Obesity is really unhealthy. Any doctor will tell you that.

Hey, a new weather station! I'll bash it good. Oh,

What? Can't we sit on the couch without something happening? D'oh!

I can't believe those traitors abandoned us. They couldn't take one lousy famine. Dad, you're bleeding! No problem.

Yes. Bad example. Let me ask you this: Does your money ever hug you when you come home at night? Why, no. And does it ever say "I love you"? No, it doesn't. Nobody loves you Nobody loves you You're old and you're ugly Way to go, Homer!

That's the only time he's ever spoken to me without using the word "bonehead."

- Ahoy-hoy? - Mr. Burns, this is Homer J. Simpson, the father of the big quitter. Well, I just wanted to tell you I'm a big quitter too. And I quit. Homer, Mr. Burns can't see you winking. So--

No on 24. No on 24. No on 24. No on 24. It's a landslide! Yes on 24. The proposition passed with a record 95%.

no matter what you say you'll find it happens all the time and then love Will never do what you want it to why can't this Crazy love be mine

Bite me. Cram it. You're dead. Get bent, ma'am. Why do you have to be such a pain all the time? Don't you realize you're getting a bad reputation? Don't you realize your butt sticks out? It does not! Hey! Ha-ha!

Excuse me. Is this MAD Magazine? No, it's Mademoiselle. We're buying our sign on the installment plan. Seriously though, my name is Bart Simpson. My father has a subscription. I'd like the grand tour, please. Listen, kid, you probably think lots of crazy stuff goes on in there.

ts finally happened, Bart. You’ve lost your mind. J Hava nagila J J Hava nagila J J Hava nagila J J Venis 'mecha J J Hava neranena Ha va neranena J

You... have reached... the Coach's... Hot... Line. line. Lay it on me, Coach. In the game of... Mi-am-i Mm-hmm. versus Cin... Cincinnati. cin... Cincinnati. na... Cincinnati. ti... Come on!

No, they are our wives, they are our daughters, our sisters, our grandmas, our aunts, our nieces and nephews. Well, not our nephews. They are our mothers. And you know something, folks ? As ridiculous as this sounds,

It's 11:00. Do you know where your children are? I told you last night, no! Where is Bart anyway? His dinner is getting all cold and eaten. Bart, where are you?

Hey there, meathead. What are you watchin'? Oh, I thought I'd check out the Warner Brothers Network. We're proud to present on the W.B. Another bad show that no one Will see I need a drink. It's the TV movie of the year--

This is the kind of night I thought we could never have together-- incident free.

This is a trap. It's gonna catch us our dinner. Come on, boy. Shh! Just watch. Ooh! Aha! Got 'em!

Uh, a seagull took my sailor hat.

Start the movie! They're out of control. Well, if we wanted to live forever, we wouldn't have become ushers.

Got your wallet. No! Bart, don't you ever do that again. Understand? Beep. Guess what, Homie? There's going to be... twice as much love in this house as there is now. We're gonna start doin' it in the morning? No!

Hmm. I did too. Better get the gun. Where's he going ? Probably to get the old man his pipe and slippers.

Hot diggity damn! That's good enough for me!

Sir, you've certainly vanquished all your enemies: the elementary school, the local tavern, the old-age home.

Ach. Let's see what's been captured on the up-kilt camera. Ew. This lass needs a bit of grounds keeping. Eh? Aah! That's Willie!

Uh... I'll be right back.

f Man f J Jellyfish J J i held you close J J And told you iiove youJ J But then the ocean took you backJ J And now i fast hold goo J

Oh! No! Wait a minute. Bronchial tubes clearing. Asthma disappearing. Acne... remains. But asthma disappearing.

All right, all right. So he's a fraud. I don't care. His mom doesn't care. Do any of you care? Nope, not me. I guess not. You all seem to be forgetting that I am Seymour Skinner. This is where I belong.

I am sure you have noticed the many small imperfections that fill me with shame.

I have a husband. What is he, blind and deaf?

I was drinkin' so much, I forgot what life was about-- Gold! Gold! Beautiful gold!

Bart tells me you got into Yale. Sink terminate. Yeah, even though McDonald's owns Yale now, it's still a great school. And I could never afford to go there if I hadn't won the Montgomery Burns Scholarship. Oh, yeah, that's the thing he had to do as punishment for stealing Christmas. Yeah. I miss Christmas. I don't.

Hmm. Ow! Pointy. Eww! Slimy. Uh-oh! Moving. Aha! Aw. Twenty dollars. I wanted a peanut. Twenty dollars can buy many peanuts. Explain how. Money can be exchanged for goods and services.

Well, then they started pressuring me for more donations. And you can't hang up on a nun. That's right. They have powers. When I sent my first donation, the charity mailed me this video. Hi, Lisa.

You dirty bast..!

just like Oscar the Grouch.

We've got to get that film back, or we'll all be fired. You know what I mean? - Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Fired. - Huh? Huh? Huh?

Say, let's bring him back to life by using technology. ¡Ay, caramba! Ooh! Ahh! What's normal to him amazes us. He will be our new god.

I miss my daddy.

This man is costing my health plan $5,000 a day. I demand that he die with dignity.

Get to Matlock! Matlock! Well, um-- without further ado, I give you the man who puts young people behind bars...

That's the last I'll see of Mr. Trampoline. Yep, it's finally gone. D'oh! If this were a cartoon, the cliff would break off now.

for your beloved MacGyver. Oh, hey, you're right. Well, time for my walk. Mm. Don't forget to die.

It's time I got a raise! Oh, shut up, you windy old hack. And another thing, you have to stop calling me that. Remember me? Twenty-five years ago, you said I was too ugly to play Dr. Tad Winslow. I did? Well, that's why pencils have erasers, hon.

Heaven and Earth-- Where were we? Oh, now I'm lost.

Are you sure you want to do this? I can't stop thinking about her.

It was him. Let's get him, fellas.

We're having a free get-acquainted session at our resort this weekend. How much is this free resort weekend? It's free. And when is this weekend? It's this weekend. Uh-huh. And how much does it cost? - Um, it's free. - I see. And when is it? It's this weekend. And what are you charging for this free weekend?

Ooh! Where's Waldo? Nope. Nope. This would be a lot easier without all these people. Nope. Nope. He's there! Uh, no. Homer! Waldo, where are you?

I like what I'm seeing in there. I'll teach you to whistle on the Sabbath.

- Bart, what are you doing ? - Uh-oh ! - Aah ! - Aah ! Why, you little-- Uh-oh ! Now I got ya ! Aah ! Aah ! Boy must die ! I love you, Dad !

Put it in the fridge, Moe. I've got a date with my wife.

Springfield will have its first annual Do What You Feel Festival this Saturday... whenever you feel like showing up. It'll be a welcome change from our annual Do As We Say Festival, started by German settlers in 1946.

- I wouldn't. - Right on. Angry. Angry young man.

Beautiful. Now some unpleasant news. I have learned that someone in this room is a squealer. We've narrowed it down to either Johnny Tightlips or Frankie the Squealer. Okay, it's me! I can't help it! I just like squealin'! It makes me feel big! All right, come on. You're history.

"'Tis better to remain silent and be thought a fool...

There. The perfect sheepshank. Very nice, Simpson. But next time, tie the other end to the ship! No!

Yes. Pick up your puppy.

The kids growing up.

All Millard Fillmore schools are now Ronald Reagans. The Mississippi River is now the Mississippi Reagan. And my good friend Frankenstein is now Frankenreagan. Bleh!

We got new clothes from the donation bin. I'm a surfer! Look, Daddy. Todd is stupid, and I'm with him. And now Mommy's stupid!

I want candy But don't you want to end world famine? I want candy Or save the endangered Alaskan salmon. I want candy Well, if you won't think of society's ills-- I want candy at least think of our dentist bills.

No! I wanted to die choking on food.

Reverend Lovejoy, I had a bit of an ulterior motive in inviting you to dinner. What?

Here you go... just kidding. Well, would you? Absolutely. P-hih! What's eating you, woman? Your ad said you wanted a man.

I was that maniac. Hey, I was just kidding. That's it. He's out of here. But we're the only family he's got.

Who told you about those laws? Was it Marge? Hey, you've been riding me all day. Why don't you poop in your hat? Are you going to need us tonight? I have ballet tickets-- not that they'll do much good now. With the family in disarray, episodes increasingly resorted... to gimmicky premises and nonsensical plots.

Halt! Halt! Run, Marge! Save the booty! After him! He has the de Milo! Hey!

Whoa! I asked for ketchup! I'm eatin' salad here.

That's me! Safety dance! You can dance You can dance Everybody look at your pants But while Homer Simpson has made our babies safe, he's made infant-related businesses cry-- all the way away from the bank. How are your baby crutch sales? Uh, terrible, Kent.

Well, those ivory-tower eggheads have screwed us again. Let's just have some milk and go to bed. Hey. This milk's broken. It's got a computer chip in it. Everything does.

What do you think he's doing up there? I don't know. Drug lab? Drug lab? Or reading comic books. What am I, Kreskin? You tell me what he's doing. I don't know, and I don't want to know. And I'm going to find out.

No longer canst I conceal my love, my wimpled turtledove.

If any of it was true, wouldn't I have a big, hideous scar-- We've got to find Hugo. We'll search out every place a sick, twisted, solitary misfit might run to. I'll start with Radio Shack. Right. Bart, you stay home and tape the hockey game.

You can make a lot of money. Yeah! Where are my pants? You threw them out the window in a fit of passion. You said you were never going to need them again.

It says "No Homers." We're allowed to have one.

(SPEAKING FRENCH) Oh, this place is paradise! Well, I guess this story has a happy ending after all. Just like my last massage.

Mother has a june bug cornered in the basement, and she needs me to finish it off. Come on! Chop-chop! All right! All right! D.M.Y. I know what that means, young lady! Huh?

I've been told I'm a good listener. But when you're a captain, you never know when people are just flattering ya. Yarr. He's gone. Darn it! I just want a friend who isn't a work friend.

My superior brain advises you to enter the franchise fair. We're trying to, but you're blocking our way. Danger! Danger! Don't forget to pick up pamphlets. I'll handle this.

Come here. Get-- Uh. Come on. Fit, you-- Huh? Ahh! Yeah! That's one fine-looking barbecue pit. Why doesn't mine look like that?

There! Take it easy, Moe. He don't have health insurance. Take that, you-- You, uh-- Chowderhead? Thanks-- for nothin'! Ha, ha. That was my paralyzed side. Oh, stroke victim, eh?

Shouldn't Bart and I be able to choose our own religion if we want to? Strange as it sounds, Dad, I agree with you. Huh? Everyone should be able to choose their faith. Just like I chose Buddhism. Buddhism? Well, I guess lots of kids have imaginary friends. I'll ignore that. In fact, I'm gonna help you.

- Little short. He's about this tall. - Don't print that. Word. It just sounds like something I would say. Shh!

It doesn't matter what your name is, you idiot.

Uh, Mrs. Simpson, the express line is the fastest line not always. That old man up front, he is starved for attention. He will talk the cashier's head off. Ah, there's an interesting story behind this nickel.

- Hi, David. I'm Grampa. - D'oh! I'm Mike Wallace. I'm Morley Safer. And I'm Ed Bradley. All this and Andy Rooney tonight on 60 Minutes! Hello, Police? This is Marge Simpson. My husband is on a murderous rampage. Over.

Well. Well, now. I do like to cook. I'm not much of a talker, but I love to listen. And in my leisure time, I like to build furniture... and then to have a discussion about where it could be placed in a room. Get this man. He's wonderful! - Fifty dollars! - Seventy-five!

if you weren't a man and my father too i'd buy you a diamond ring And then i'd marry you

Sodium tetrasulfate is highly caustic and can remove skin.

What have you done with my report?

This character named Martin was feeling rather randy, and he was heard to remark-- Don't you ever come near my daughter again! Never have I heard such gratuitous use of the word "butt"! But-- But-- But-- But-- But-- But-- Make him stop! Make him stop!

Finally in 1992, I was reunited with that chair. It wasn't quite the same. Good God. I'm at war with a little girl. And I'm losing!

Wow, what an ending. Who would have thought Darth Vader was Luke Skywalker's father? Well, thank you, Mr. Blow-The-Picture-For-Me. Marge, you're as pretty as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda. Oh, Homer.

It's as easy as crushing an ant. You know the... (GRUNTING) Whoa! Take my wallet and leave me alone!

Join the navy Join the navy Join the navy

(YELLS) No, I spoke too soon!

Any thoughts on how we're gonna get there? No. But I'm sure the Good Lord will provide. Are you crazy? I'm not driving a trainload of napalm to Springfield! Thank you.

Hey, kids, how was school? I learned how many drams in a pennyweight. I got expelled. That's my boy. Mmm, beer. What? Look, Dad, I don't need school. I'll make my way as a bootblack. Shine your boots, guv'nor? No son of mine is gonna be a 19th-century cockney bootblack.

Aah ! Oof ! Ow, ow ! Ah ! Doh ! Ah ! Ow ! Ooh !

Remember what I told ya. just one thing. - My car broke down. - I'm joe Namath. My car broke down. It was just vapor lock. I'm dead.

And with 500 yards to go, the runners from Australia and Djibouti are neck and neck. Two weary warriors now burning with pain and exhaustion. But only one will win the grand prize: a walking tour of Springfield.

Don't kill me! I've tried to meet you halfway on this, Simpson, but you had to be little johnny Live-A-Lot. Now give me your key to the Hellfish bonanza. Oh, wow! There really is a treasure!

Why don't those stupid idiots let me in their crappy club for jerks? I'm sure it's nothing personal, Homer. It is. It's been happening to me all my life.

I think I need to make a stop at the little girls' room. Okay, Mother. This way. So long, sucker. Now hold it right there, you little-- Mother ?

What do you think Mom and Dad are doin' right now? I dunno.

Hey, where's my keg? Mm, Mom's not gonna like that. Who's Mom? Uh, that's what we call the gay guy who lives with us.

Oh, I give up. What time, and how burnt?

No, just captured. It's kind of a funny story, really. After five years in a secret P.O.W. camp, I was sold to China for slave labor. Since '77, I've been making sneakers at gunpoint... in a sweatshop in Huhan.

Caress it. Experience it.

Get your hot dogs! Fat, juicy hot dogs! Pork chops and applesauce! Peking duck! Get your crispy Peking duck! Yeah, duckman! Over here! Mmm! Mmm!

(IMITATES BART) Feast on my shorts, stupid father man. Wait, you're not Bart. Close enough. (LAUGHING)

Homer, you're a bad man. And your seed should be wiped from the earth. No offense, children.

Stan Lee came back? Stan Lee never left.

I hold here a contract between myself and one Homer Simpson, pledging me his soul for a doughnut! Which I delivered! And it was scrum-didilly-umptious.

Hey, can you keep a secret? What is it, hon? I hate disco. ts all I’ve talked about for so long that people think I'm a one-note guy. ts just getting harder, you know? I had no idea Disco Stu was so complex.

Go into hyperspace! Wait! Where's the hyperspace? Grandpa, you're the spaceship. I thought I was this guy. - Oh! - Oh! Game's over. I got down on the floor for this?! Wait, Dad. I've got something for you.

Sir, I'm honored to inform you that you've won the Nobel Prize. The Nobel Prize? Finally! So, it's for what? My whole deal?

Homer, come back! That's my husband! He's our husband now. Yea! I'm glad I'm back... because the moment that sweet, sweet beer hit my tongue, I was born again!

Huh? Hurry up. Mom and Dad are probably worried sick.

Hello, Maggie. Sorry, honey. Mommy went crazy and went far, far away so it's going to be just you and me for a while.

We're Cyanide. A loving tribute to Poison. We need a ride home! You expect me to walk down the aisle to a monster ballad? Let me talk to Otto. That's okay. I guess this is sort of... our song. Well, it doesn't have to be.

Please don't hurt me. You leave me little recourse. And now the Estrogen Network presents Afternoon Yak. Men. Boo! Canceled.

Oh. Let me guess.

Oh, no, the power's out? We'll miss Fox Celebrity Boxing! I heard tonight they have Ed Bradley vs. Mister Ed.

Oh, sweetie! Hmm. Oh.

Hmm. Barney's movie had heart,

Krusty, this is America. We don't send our celebrities to jail. We're just going to garnish your salary. Garnish my celery? Please, Krusty. No jokes. Who's joking? Oh, I don't know what you're saying. It all sounds so crazy to me. It simply means we'll be taking part of your salary...

Chili! Red-hot, Texas-style chili! And we got ginger ale! Boilin'-hot, Texas-style ginger ale! Texas!

Over the six years The Simpsons has been on the air, we've received dozens of letters from fans wanting to know... more about the show. Tonight, we'll answer some of your questions. Professor Lawrence Pierce of the University of Chicago writes: "I think Homer gets stupider every year."

Ev-er-y-one is... talk-ing a-bout... Ra-di-o-ac-tive m-an,

I won't lie to you. On this job, you will be shot at. Each bullet wound is a badge of honor. "Badge of honor..." Here's a pointer. Try taking it in the shoulder. These hot dogs have been here for three years. They are strictly ornamental. There is only one bozo who comes in and buys them.

Please. No. - Please. - No.

That's some nice flutin', boy.

Seen it. Seen it. I was poor like you-- Ugh, soccer. Seen it. Hey, Simpson !

Yes? My name is Bart Simpson. I have to talk to you about your dog. - Give me one minute. - Okay. Showtime! Please, mister! No, let me do that again. Please, mister! Please!

Oh, my gosh! Look!

Let us extend to our brothers in New Springfield the olive branch of-- New Springfield rocks! Go ahead and laugh.

Just because he's an ex-con-- Ooh! Crowley's an ex-con? Dear Lord, I've peed in front of him! Hey, check it out! Ha! Now that's a mural! It's so passionate. It almost leaps off the wall.

In the garden of Eden

D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! Children, that was our only ball. There'll be no team this year.

Will you promise to keep our secret? Absolutely, if you promise to keep mine. Okay. What is it?

You thought I couldn't, but I could. I did. And I could do it again. Let's do it again! Lisa, it's over. You made it. You can put your arms down. I can't. They're stuck.

uh, 2012, yeah.

Got any threes? Go fish. Oh! See, here's the problem, Ralph. You have several threes. Go fish!

Congratulations, Springfield. We wish you the very best! To alcohol, the cause of and solution to... all of life's problems.

Let's all walk Laddie! Hey, this park is great! How come we never take Santa's Little Helper here? Crowds give him gas. Besides, he's happy just hanging around the house with Bart. Uh, yeah. Hey, that is one fine-looking animal you got there!

Eye of the tiger, Bart.

That must be the baby-sitter. Hello. I'm Mrs. Simpson. Simpson. Simpson. Come back for more, eh ?

Oh, Marge, my loyal wife, of course not. And Lisa, my little princess. And who could forget dear Rat Boy? Rat Boy? I resent that.

Come on, boot guy! Oh. Flushing Meadows.

Brittany, do the honors. Don't blame me. I didn't do it. Comedy, thy name is Krusty.

Almost got it. Drop the food, Chief! Dang fools. Drive-through's not for a-Parkin'. Diane, I'm going to take my break now.

Oh, dear Lord! It's some sort of hideous monster. Aw, isn't that cute? He's trying to claw my eyes out.

Uh, technically no, but--- I'm smarter than the devil! I'm smarter than the dev-- You are not smarter than me! I'll see you in hell yet, Homer Simpson!

So, what's on your mind, Bart ? I bet the other children don't accept you. True, Sideshow Bob. But that doesn't bother me. You see, my sisters and I... have been doing a little investigating, and it looks to us like Krusty was framed. Framed ? Well, the videotape showed... that the thief used the microwave oven at the Kwik-E-Mart.

Can't do it on purpose. But hey, maybe you'll get lucky.

This tonic's caused me nothin' but trouble. You've done all the damage you're gonna do! Oh, nuts!

Lookin' for my teeth. Gimme those! Better wash these off. Oh, the hell with it. Well, Grampa, as long as you're here, we were telling a story that took place... when Bart was five and Lisa was three.

as a spoiled American teenager. (LAUGHING) (LAUGHS LIKE SELMA) Something's wrong with Bart. He's acting weird. (IMITATES BART) Feast on my shorts, stupid father man. Wait, you're not Bart. Close enough.

you'll do what I do and believe what I believe. So butter your bacon! Yes, Father.

Look at this junk! It breaks the first time you take it out of the box. And look at these toy soldiers! They'll break the second I step on 'em. Stupid... toy... soldiers! Break, you stupid-- All right. Come on, pops. - Soldiers won't bother you anymore. - Oh!

A little late for Lenny.

Here's your taco, mister. Oops. It fell in the fryer. I'll get it out. Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!

Hasta la vista, baby!

Uh-oh. Hey! Not bad. Hey! Ah, without the loop, it is a-nothing.

Now we can blame him for everything ! It's your fault I'm bald ! I'm sorry. It's your fault I'm old ! I'm sorry. It's your fault I can't talk ! I'm sorry ! It's your fault America has lost its way. I'm sorry. It's all your fault ! I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Oh, Miss Albright ? Yes, Bart ? Wouldn't you eventually get used to it, like in a hot tub ? No. Yes, Bart ? Are there pirates in hell ? Yes. Thousands of them. Ooh, baby ! So what you're saying is, there's a downside to the afterlife. How does one steer clear of this abode of the damned ?

Effervescent. All right! Harvard, here I come. Psst, Barney. My dad's asleep. Want a beer? I don't know. The S.A.T.'s are tomorrow. I've got two words for you. Mellow out, man. Hmm? Hmm? All right. just one-- if it'll get you off my back.

It's not as easy as I thought it was. Ooh. Wow !

Bring that girl to me. I'm sorry, Mr. Burns, but my paper is not for sale. Maybe a little gift will change your mind. Send in Sugarbell.

Oh! Hurry up, man! This electric van only has 20 minutes of juice left! Don't forget me! Don't worry, Homer. You'll always be a part of me. D'oh!

(CHUCKLES) I have a question. Chloe Talbot, Global News Network. Oh, it seems a big-shot reporter from some major news outlet isn't satisfied. Well, if it isn't local news legend Kent Brockman. Hey, Kent, run over any more pedestrians? Those records are sealed.

Okay. Okay, don't panic, Butch. Release the mongoose!

You don't understand anything! (GRUNTING) You're such a psycho! Mama's boy! Future skank!

Oh, no. Oh, no!

I don't want you to go. Sorry, but I have to. Good-bye. Good-bye.

Mmm. Invisible cola. Mmm. Forbidden doughnut. Mmm. "Sacrilicious." Mmm. Snouts. Mmm. Free goo. Mmm. Something.

Well, it's been two hours. How do you feel? I don't know. I kind of want a cigarette. That's a good start. Let's get you a pack. What's your brand? Anything slim.

When this baby goes off, Burns's lab is gonna be history, man!

Now, who’s gonna be picking up the tab? Lenny. Anything for Homers.

Ooh, this is hard. Where's my Tab?

Mr. Sparkle, a joint venture of Matsumura Fishworks... and Tamaribuchi Heavy Manufacturing Concern. Hey, it was all a coincidence.

So long, Lisa! If anything goes wrong, just dial 911-- unless it's an emergency. Okay, Chief! Enjoy Bob Saget! It's Bob Seger. Aw, crap!

We're the Moe Szyslak Experience, featuring Homer. I like the sound of that. Friends forever? Friends forever. - Ow! - Ow, that hurts! Man, we're stupid. Hate you guys.

"Do you ever shut up?" "Kiss me, you fool!"

From his humble beginnings as a street mime in Tupelo, Mississippi, Krusty clowned his way to the top of a personal mini-empire... with dozens of endorsements, including his own line of pork products. This may have led to one of television's best-loved bloopers-- Krusty's near-fatal, on-the-air heart attack in 1986.

but someday you'll rust! Rust, I tell ya! Dad. Dad? - You really wanna get rid of this trampoline? - Uh-huh.

Then I won with my festive Holiday Alco-Hog. (RETCHING) Huh! I thought it was dead.

As I look into this sea of smiling faces I am filled with a sense of loathing and revulsion. YOU are not workers. You are a pack of mangy, cud-chewing, ugly goats. Well, you're in for a treat. We have with us today a real man. Behold the glory that is Homer Simpson.

Herb, were you adopted ? Yeah. - From the Shelbyville Orphanage ? - How did you know that ? Because... I'm your baby brother Homer ! Hello ? Hello ? Hello ? Stupid phone ! Hey, hey, knock it off ! I'm here ! I was just silent because of the emotion involved. Oh, sorry.

It's true and we'll all live in cities on the moon.

Dad, start digging some nerd holes. It's bad enough they put their retainers in the dishwasher. Can't we do something? Look, I'm sure we can work something out where we can all live in harmony.

Will you promise to keep our secret? Absolutely, if you promise to keep mine.

Bed goes up. Bed goes down. Bed goes up. Bed goes down. Bed goes up. Bed goes down. Bed goes up. Bed goes down. Homer Simpson! Well, if that don't put the "dink" in co-inky-dink. Flanders, what are you doin' here? I'm having a kidney and a lung removed.

Oh, man. The plant cut one. Bart, plants dont- Whew!

She must think you're after her eggs. I only ate one!

You're damn right I'm gonna be pissed off! I bought that pig at Pink Floyd's yard sale! - Dad, are you okay? - I'm fine.

Folks, don't miss this Friday's show. It'll be my last. Quitting show biz.

But you can't depend on me all your life. You have to learn that there's a little Homer Simpson in all of us, and I'm going to have to live without your respect and awe. The only reason I'm telling you this is... I'm going to be leaving you.

It's just a damn popularity contest with you kids. Now look what you've done, you little freaks!

Sunshine, lollipops-- And rainbows, everything That's wonderful is what I feel when we're together Brighter than a lucky penny when you're near The rain clouds disappear dear and I feel so fine

Anyway, I want him to go to that animal refuge. Forget it! That elephant cost me thousands of dollars. Dad, how would you like to be sold to an ivory dealer? I'd like it fine. Even if he killed you... and made your teeth into piano keys? Yes, of course I would. Who wouldn't like that, to be part of the music scene?

Maybe. Maybe he's the only person with the guts to tell me the truth. Turn the plane around. I want to go to 742 Evergreen Terrace. But you promised to help me move. Ah, geez.

Zoom! Now, Mr. Rude, I just want you to know I'm a good sport.

Can't let Dad see me playing hooky! Can't let the boy see me skippin' work. Good afternoon. How do you do, sir? Sucker!

Everything I know tells me this story doesn't end... with us sitting here and you telling it to us. Get off the edge of your seat. They got married, had kids and bought a cheap TV.

And there weren't any jewish cowboys. Very good. That's excellent. And I'm also wearing a digital watch, but I'll accept that. Here you go, little lady. And for the record, there were a few jewish cowboys-- big guys who were great shots and spent money freely. I'm Mr. Bergstrom. Feel free to make fun of my name if you want.

Aah! It's the Rapture! Quick! Get Bart out of the house before God comes!

We'll use this special "K." I believe that's already a breakfast cereal, sir. - And people worship it? - In a way. All right then. Uh, how about this? Uh, why don't you leave the symbol to me, sir?

Mmm. Oh. Hey, wiener boy... where do you think you're going?

Now, Homer, don't you eat this pie. Okay. All right, pie, I'm just gonna do this. And if you get eaten, it's your own fault!

Hey, son, would you have gotten any money for being class president ? No. Would you have to do extra work ? Yeah. And is this Martin guy going to get to do anything neat, - like throw out the first ball at the World Series, huh ? - Well, no. So let the baby have his bottle, huh ? That's my motto.

And we don't know "Pac-Man Fever."

Prepare to be blown away by Bang Bang Bart. You're fat! just more of me to love, honey.

No, Homer Dave suffers from agoraphobia-- a fear of open areas and crowds. Dave, go on. I knew I just couldn't make that long drive to work. Were you out of gas? Baby.

What I'm hearing is "I'm too fat." Aren't I?

Homer loves Mindy! Homer loves Mindy!

Dream on, drunkie. Oh, that's it! You're goin' down! Stop it, you two! You're making Scratchy cry!

What the-- Great Scott! Don't touch that. That's the alpenhorn Helmut Kohl gave me.

You'll find it in The Itchy and Scratchy Movie, coming soon to a theater near you. Fifty-three percent new footage. Wow. Bart, did you take out the garbage like I asked? Indeed I did. D'oh! Hey, you goats get out of here!

You know, deep down, people are pretty gre-- Hey, wait a minute. They're taking our stuff. Good Lord! Hot, hot, hot, hot.

Want to have dinner at my house tonight? Really? Uh, sure. Great. We eat at 7:00. There's only one thing to do at a moment like this: strut!

Oh, forget about it. That Mr. Takahashi's a lunatic. Quiet! Sorry. I am not an easy man to work for. While directing Hats off to Hanukkah, I reduced more than one cast member to tears. Did I expect too much from fourth graders?

I said we were having a special "guest" tonight. Mr. Tim Conway! What's a Tim Conway? Oh, about a 120 pounds.

Mmm-hmm. Oh, yeah. (ALL EXCLAIM) Whose grave? Uh, the unknown soldier? Carry on. (SHOES TAPPING) Okay, it's time to win the love of these hateful morons. Step one, amass a vast media empire.

Hey, Troy Aikman! So, Ned, you like dune buggies? Well, not my cup of-- Sure you do. Everyone likes dune buggies. Great spiral, Daniel! Man, that hurts.

But Skinner got shot. Aah! Yup. Blanks and a blood pack. Hey, watch it! I look like cable TV. What about that bullet hole in your hair? Squibs. Yeah, we hornswoggled you good. But what about the guy who took my car?

Eww! Lemon. Ugh! Cherry. Ooh... custard. Mmm... purple!

Lisa Simpson? You're the ship's proofreader. Welcome aboard. Now, before you enter, you're going to have to make a very difficult choice. You're only allowed to take one parent with you. Mom. Love ya lots! Good-bye, Lisa. Remember me as I am-- filled with murderous rage!

Question two: How long is your wiener? Seriously. Great heavens! What kind of Radiola show is this? All right, how about this? When was your first gay experience? Oh, well, when I was six, my father took me on a picnic. That was a gay old time. Ho-ho! I ate my share of wieners that day.

Oh, okay. Ahhh !

Calm down! Don't make me put a dog heart in there.

Get lost, crook.

Dad, I think you're wrong about that robot trying to be your friend. Lisa, don't... contradict... your... elders.

Well, there it is. Please don't tell anyone how I live.

And then we roll him up in a carpet and throw him off a bridge! What? Look, you pull its tail straight,

Sir, I'm afraid Homer Simpson is sterile. Who? A cabbagehead from sector 7-G. Take a look at this sperm sample. Eww. Now, compare this with a normal sperm sample. Oh, yes.

All right, how about this? When was your first gay experience? Oh, well, when I was six, my father took me on a picnic. That was a gay old time. Ho-ho! I ate my share of wieners that day. Oh, that sounds lovely. Queer.

He's right. This is a two-party system. Well, I believe I'll vote for a third-party candidate. Go ahead. Throw your vote away.

Hey, I only drink that when I'm already drunk. You really mean it? Hey, anything's possible with a little help from my Bible. Oh, no! It's a real one! No! Why, God? Why?

Oh! No all-you-can-eat seafood.

and hacksaws to saw off our gangrenous limbs. But the Springfield Brigade was too brave to accept the surrender. Come on, boys. Those white flags are no match for our muskets. - Charge! - And the Springfielders... heroically slaughtered their enemies as they prayed for mercy.

Young man, your gargantuan cone... is making a mockery of our self-serve policy.

One day, my lady Selma's gonna have a star right next to mine, so watch out, Laszlo Panaflex. Tonight all Hollywood's wondering who'll be chosen to costar... in the big, new McBain pic, McBain iV: Fatal Discharge.

For steamed hams.

What are you kids lookin' at? Hey, look. He's tryin' to get up to yell at us. Don't make me close that shade! Hey, Homer. You promised Mom you wouldn't wear your dress outside. Nuts to that. I'm goin' to the movies. Shouldn't you be working? I got someone to cover for me.

The dream was over. Coming up: Was the dream really over? Yes, it was.

Bad cops, bad cops Bad cops, bad cops

Lisa's gone berserk. Do something, Homer. Do something! Oh. Thanks, Dad. I didn't think. I... just acted. Self-tapping shoes? I'm ever so pissed.

Really ? Yes. Oh ! - Champagne ? - Please. There, my darling. Thank you.

Well, as long as you're in my house, you'll do what I do and believe what I believe. So butter your bacon! Yes, Father.

I lost my guinea pig, Cinnamon. And I thought the pain would never... (GASPS) Oh, Cinnamon! It should've been me who chewed through that extension cord! There, there, you're both right.

They say everyone can float in the Dead Sea but Selma sank right to the bottom.

We are the Super Friends Hey, shut up.

Hmm. Rod, Tod, this is God. How did you get on the radio? What do you mean? I created the universe, stupid kids. Forgive my brother. We believe you. Talk is cheap. Perhaps a test of thy faith.

That is the best kiss I’ve had tonight. Or was it? Homie, what are you thinking? - Manly thoughts. - Mwah!

with America's most popular alternative music festival.

The joke's on you, buddy. There's no bullets in that thing. Yo, give me the bullets. Okay. Don't shoot! Drop it! Bye!

You know, I went to the McDonald's in, uh, Shelbyville on Friday night. The Mc-what? Uh, McDonald's restaurant. I-- I never heard of it either, but, uh, they have over 2,000 locations in this state alone. Must have sprung up overnight. You know the funniest thing though? It's the little differences. Example. Well, at McDonald's you can buy a Krusty Burger with cheese.

We're safe now, Clarice. We made it away from that cursed ship. Now I can relax and take off this stifling bikini. Mmm.

Why, we could revive the lost arts of conversation... and scrimshaw. Thus I submit to you, we abolish television... permanently! Go back to Massachusetts, pinko! Oh, and one more thing. I've stolen a nuclear weapon. If you do not rid this city of television within two hours,

Hey, little ones. Santa's back. Ho ho-- D'oh ! Damn it to-- Ah, son, one day you're gonna know... the satisfaction of payday. Receiving a big fat check for a job well done.

See ya in hell, you wingless bloodsuckers.

Ah, is that all you got? Huh? Huh?

Let me show you why you and all protesters are wrong. All right. Nuclear power helps heat that orphanage and keeps that hospital humming.

Dad ? What is it, boy ? I thought your car was really cool. Thanks, boy. I was waiting For someone to say that.

You'll never pass this course if you don't know the periodic table. - I'll write it on my hand. - Oh! Including all known lanthanides and actinides? Good luck.

Talk about your runaway government.

We now go live to its founder, Mr. Nedward Flanders. Oh, morning, Kent. Our volunteers have done an amazing job... getting the park ready here. We're gonna show Springfield that faith and devotion... are the wildest thrill rides of all. All right. I hear the mayor's arriving for the ribbon cutting.

It should be dark enough to see the stars up here. You stole my stars, Springfield! No one ever wrote a poem about sickly orange barf glow. I know exactly how you feel, young lady. What you are seeing is light pollution. Light pollution.

(THE ITCHY & SCRATCHY SHOW THEME PLAYING) ALL: Yay! (SIGHS) Cartoons. America's only native art form. I don't count jazz 'cause it sucks.

It's hammer time, snitchy.

Daddy, ask the man for some candy.

Hi. I'm Ashley Grant. Oh. Ashley Grant! You gave a talk on women's issues at my school... on how we don't have to be second-class citizens.

Hmm. One of these must activate the flamethrower. Uh-oh. Bart! What in the name of high school football?

What's your turtle's name? Uh... Apron Boobs-face? Really? Well, let's go find it. And what's your name? Uh... Shoes... Butt-back?

Where is everybody?

Oh, I missed you so much, boy. Come on. Let's get out of here. Keep quiet, okay? Sprinkles? Is there somebody down there? Come on, boy. Let's blow. Who's there? I can take you on! You want to try me? Come on!

Good show last night. Yeah, quite good. Good Lord! Did anyone get the license number?

Well, I guess we don't have to do that.

Kids, go ride bikes for a while, huh? Yeah, you heard your mother. We can't jump this ditch. Sure we can. But let me go first. Everyone knows you're the future of this family. That's not true, Bart.

Well, I believe I'll vote for a third-party candidate. Go ahead. Throw your vote away.

Hey, Bart, according to this magazine in another million years man will have an extra finger. Five fingers? Ooh-- Freak show!

Or is it? Ooh-hoo, Squishee Lady,

Do you sell ponies? Sure, pal. Right here. "Scottish Deer Hound." Hey, this is a dog! My friend, you're smarter than I gave you credit for.

I don't understand. Pigs need food. Engines need coolant. Dynamiters need dynamite. I'm supplying it to them at a tidy profit. And not a single sea creature was wasted.

Oh, sweet jesus!

I'm tired of looking like the world's worst mother. Oh, honey, you're not the world's worst mother. What about that freezer lady in Georgia? But what's the solution?

No, it doesn't. It's funny. Their clothes are different from my clothes. Look at what they're wearin'.

Wait! He can't kill anybody if he doesn't know which one's the real Krusty!

Out of the way. Milhouse, baby! Lionel Hutz, your new agent, bodyguard, unauthorized biographer and drug dealer-- uh, keeper-awayer.

I'd like to thank everybody who contributed to Krusty's Canned Food Drive. Your generous donations... have made this our slipperiest, slimiest slobstacle course ever!

All right! The mummy's ready for his mystical journey! Aaah! What's happening?

Hey! Buy a costume or get out, fellas. We gotta find someplace no one will ever go. Hello!

Under what has been dubbed "Marge's Law," all forms of sugar are now illegal. Thank you, "Erin Choco-snitch." That was a group effort. I was just trying to make this a healthier place to live. Well, good work, "Blue-hair-in-Brocko-witch." Okay, that was mine.

Plug it in! Plug it in! What, the rock tumbler or the TV? The TV! The TV!

We're gonna teach all you rug rats a lesson. Oh, yeah? What can you old people do to us? Yeah, you old fogeys! Buzz off, you old-- What do you got? You're all wrinkly! Somebody should iron you!

Yabba-dabba-doo!

First up is Bob from South Springfield. Welcome to you, sir. Hello, Birch. Longtime listener, first-time caller. Kudos for bringing the public back to the Republican Party. It's high time people realized we conservatives aren't all johnny-hatemongers... and Charlie-Bible-thumps or even, God forbid, George Bushes.

Everyone, Lisa wants to read us a poem she's written. Sounds interesting. Oh, okay. "'Howl of the Unappreciated' by Lisa Simpson. I saw the best meals--" It's Bart ! What show is this ?

Kill the bum! Somebody stop the fight! Where's the doctor? Kill him! Kill him! It looks like it's all over.

talking softball mattingly and canseco ken griffey's grotesquely swollen jaw Steve sax And his run-in with the law We're talking Homer Ozzie and the Straw

- Is this how you imagined your life, Edna? - Well, yes. But then I was a very depressed child. To poor decisions. Hear! Hear! Seymour! I told you... not to play in the neighbor's yard! It's a party, Mother. I was invited.

Nothing can make me mad out here. Paperboy! Ohh! Milkman! Piano lady!

Ah, the doctor said I could take this patch off five minutes a day. Hey, that's just enough time to see Santy Claus. Oh! Why, Santa? Why?

Salt me. Here you are, Homer. What the-- Why are you talking like that? The play's tomorrow night. I've got to stay in character.

Because-- Should we follow him? I'm on vacation.

I've had The halftime of my life And I owe it all to S.U. An overdue tribute to halftime itself.

Are you crazy? You'll never make it. The hell I won't. You're forgetting I've got my Powersauce bars. Wake up, Homer. Those bars are just junk. They're made of apple cores and Chinese newspapers. Hey. Deng Xiaoping died.

this isn't like burying toxic waste. People are gonna notice those trees are gone. Eh, Congressman, this is where it gets awkward. I-- I never quite know how to put this. I just want to--

You know the funniest thing though? It's the little differences. Example. Well, at McDonald's you can buy a Krusty Burger with cheese. But they don't call it a Krusty Burger with cheese. Get out. Well, what do they call it? A Quarter Pounder with cheese. Quarter Pounder with cheese?

I'd say "transcendent." How about "groin-grabbingly transcendent"? Uh, I don't think so. We make a good team. A groin-grabbingly good team.

Hey, Dad! I've come to spend some time with my favorite father. Baloney! You came here to put me in a home. You're already in a home. Oh, how could you?

Oh, he's with his new girlfriend, the japanese conceptual artist. Barbershop is in danger of growing stale. I'm taking it to strange new places.

Hey, love birds, keep it down.

They're probably watching us right now. That's ridiculous! Nobody is watching us right now. Hi, hi, hi. Bye. Hi. Akira, can you read this for me?

Wait. "Dumbening" isn't even a word! I've got to find out more. That makes 22 to 16. Time is running out.

Well, the least I can do is absolutely nothing. But I'll go you one better and come along.

There's a special on tacos down at the Taco Mat-- hundred tacos for $100-- I'm gonna get that. I'm gonna contribute my money to the Corporation for Public Broadcasting. Tacos? Public broadcasting? I won't have you kids throwing away your money like that. You're both coming downtown with me, and you're gonna put that money in the bank.

You just won yourselves a motorcycle! Whoo-hoo!

Treasure, dog food? Whoa! Some things man is not meant to know. "Show me your"-- Hey! Hey! It says, "Show me your tie." It's cute. Come on. Let's go.

Can't talk now, Flanders. I've got a class to teach. But you rang my-- Can I take your order? Nothing for me today. I've got a class to teach. Sir, it's a felony to tease the order box.

Gentlemen, I'd like you to meet the two experienced astronauts... who will accompany the winner into space. Race Banyon and Buzz Aldrin, the second man on the moon. Second comes right after first.

You think your dirty socks can stop me? Well, they are making me dizzy.

The other night I tripped a continental drift divide We're rockin' great! Mountains sit in a line Leonard Bernstein Leonard what's-his-name Herman Munster motorcade Birthday party, Cheetos pogo sticks and lemonade You symbiotic stupid jerk That's right, Flanders I am talking about you How did you get R.E.M. to play in your garage? I told them it was a benefit.

Romance is all around us-- in our neighborhoods, even at our jobs. All you have to do...

When Bart's done, can we Moe to the Moevies for the Moetinee? Of course. All work and Moe play makes Moe a Moe Moe. Moe Moe Moe Moe Moe? Moe Moe Moe. Moe Moe Moe Moe Moe. Moe Moe Moe Moe. Moe. Moe, Moe...

theRe's A voice in My head that drives my heel

Homer, do something. The ceiling's not a safe place for a young baby. All right, I got it. Come on. Get off the--

With your donation, you'll receive this classic PBS tote bag. Or this umbrella, featuring a picture of our classic tote bag.

Yes. You know, there's a little place called Mary Ann's Hammocks. The nice thing about that place is Mary Ann gets in the hammock with you. - I'm just kidding. - Oh. You know who invented the hammock, Homer? No. That's something for you to do. Find that out.

Oh, no. It's happening. Uh-oh.

Is there a chance the track could bend? I call the big one Bitey. I've sold monorails to Brockway, Ogdenville and North Haverbrook. Is there a chance the track could bend? I call the big one Bitey.

Yeah. That was a scary couple of hours.

I rarely feel the need to utter d'oh Top 'o the mornin', ladies. Bite us. I can walk from Springfield to Alaska Then hobnob with the stars in Malibu Hi, Homer. I'm actor Steve Buscemi.

Happy thoughts. Happy, happy, happy.

Homer, what gives with this review? You say "the salad tastes like bark"... and the potatoes were very "Grrrrr!"

Shut up, Flanders. Flanders!

You may keep my posterior. Just please return the "Jabba the Butt" tattoo. (BLOWING WHISTLE)

It's got some cigarette burns, but we can patch them up with Nu Vinyl.

I'm jimmy Stewart's granddaughter, and you'll be hearing from my attorney. - Ooh! - Ow! Oh, we should have put in the dog with the shifty eyes.

For you. It's the president. Y'ello? And then I said to the president-- Get this-- Marge? Marge?

"This year, give her English muffins." Whatever you say, Mr. Billboard!

But nobody is really gone as long as we remember them. Lisa, honey, if you really want to preserve his memory, I recommend getting a tattoo. It preserves the things you love. "Starland Vocal Band"? They suck! Death!

Sorry, Mom, the mob has spoken. MoNorAil monorail monorail Monorail! Mono-- D'oh! Monorail! Monorail! Monorail!

Ah. Look, Scratchy! It's our new friend, Poochie! What's that name again? I forgot.

Don't worry. We'll find more wagers. I love you, Lord Daftwager.

- Anything left? - Uh, only the sour quince log, sir. Dispose of it. And, uh, send a thank-you note to Marge, Bart, Lisa and Maggie Simpson.

Do you feel Like we do Man, that guy's guitar is talkin'!

Cobras! Cobras!

Time to go to Duff Gardens! Oh, great. Dad's dead.

Deus ex machina! (GROANING) Oh, it was all just a dream. What? What are these wings? Oh, it's just a seagull stuck in my back.

Well, it looks like everything worked out just fine for everybody. Credit card bill seems a little chunky this month. Let's see what's going on vis-a-vis the Viza. This... Ahhh! Ahhh!

- Oh, I hope I didn't miss the floor show. - Nope. - Is Roxanne back? - Yep. - Did she, uh, get my flowers? - She did. I-- Hello, Bart. Hello, Principal Skinner. This is the National Air and Space Museum, isn't it?

Don't let 'em get to you, lass. I'm too good for this place too. Now run home to your shack. I live in a house. Well, la-dee-da, college girl! Well, I guess you're too good for me too! Oh, lookit--

Thus ends the rule of law. Look at those looters breaking windows, setting fires! They're living my dream, and you won't let me join them! - Please, can I throw one little-- - No. What if I just burn down a-- No. Can I at least incite further-- No. I've caused enough trouble already by plugging in that Santa Claus.

I have feelings! I'm a human boy, just like you! Shh. Use your indoor voice. Okay, that's it! Huh? Oh.

Ow! Oh, my back. Dr. Steve didn't do anything! Did you do those exercises he gave you? Yeah, right. I did 'em while you were studying.

Whoa ! Bart, the comic ! Don't let go of me, Bart. Milhouse, it's not that far to the ground. The rain's probably softened it up a bit. No, Bart, no !

"Daddy's made a shiv.

i hear that, dudes! You too, Gracie music dude! Guh!

The answer is no. I'm afraid I must insist.

I have just been appointed the new safety inspector at this very plant... with a big, fat raise ! Hey, that's my pop up there ! Dad, watch out ! Whoa, easy ! Don't drop me.

How about jazz? Do you like jazz?

Bart, look. It's Dad! Dad, when did you record an album? I'm surprised you don't remember, son. It was only eight years ago.

What do they do? What don't they do? Oh, they do so many things, they never stop. Oh, the things they do there. My stars.

J; You, play the "cell-ee"l

Perfect. When I give the signal, you transfer the call to Mr. Burns. After she tears into him, I'll rush in and save the day. Got it. I'm transferring a call in to you, Mr. Burns. No problemo. Uh, ooh. Um.

Hall of Famer Whitey Ford now on the field... pleading with the crowd for-- for some kind of sanity. Uh-oh. And a barrage of pretzels... now knocking Whitey unconscious.

As expected, New Springfield's bold experiment in slob rule is a disaster. Hey, the TV man is talking about us. A study shows their crumbling economy is due to their lazy attitude and shoddy work. How the hell did they find that out? Scientists say they're also less attractive physically, and while we speak in a well-educated manner,

- Patty? - Cletus! Oh, uh, Barney. Clancy! Hey, come on! You did me twice! Smithers? My parents insisted I give it a try, sir. Mayor Quimby!

Manic-depressive Mouse or the Bluebird of Unhappiness.

please help yourselves to this tripe.

Out of my way. I got a date with an angel. You don't know how right you are, Abe. What ? I'm sorry to be the one to tell you this, but, uh... Bea passed away last night. Oh, no ! It was her ticker. The doc said her left ventricle burst.

But there's lots of other fun instruments, like bass. I hope you wont judge the entire Brian Setzer Orchestra by my actions. Rock and roll is supposed to be about peace and love. - Who said that? - Will you stop saying that?

The usual, Moe-- a beer... and a wad of bills! Okay... you lucky moron.

Uh, Mr. Burns I need to borrow money.

This I gotta see! All the kids in Springfield are S.O.B.s. Gabbo's kind of language has no place on or off TV. And that's my two cents. That oughta hold those S.O.B.s. What the--

ow, ooh. ow, ooh. Ow, ooh.

here, baby there, mama everywhere, daddy daddy - hair hair, hair, hair hair, hair, hair Marge? I was just watching women's volleyball on ESPN. Mmm. Come on. There's no need for that "baba-ma-bushka."

That's it. Come on. just a little bit more. I know you can do it. I believe in you.

Why, you little-- Aah!

Now, hold on. Armin Tamzarian is an unsavory character who played us all for chumps. All right, all right. So he's a fraud. I don't care. His mom doesn't care. Do any of you care? Nope, not me. I guess not.

This town cared more for a soulless piece of granite than for me. I don't have a friend in the world. You have me, sir. Don't be so needy! Well, I'm going to change this town's accurate impression of me.

No, wait, it's a stroke. No, wait, it is love!

Homer, I'll tell you what I told Redford. It ain't gonna happen.

You're next, Chester A. Arthur! Unhand me, Yankee.

And... now. Ohh.

pleading with the crowd for-- for some kind of sanity. Uh-oh. And a barrage of pretzels... now knocking Whitey unconscious.

Well, you've changed me, Agnes. Maybe there is room in my store for romance comics. Nobody'll buy those. Your store smells. Now kiss me, funny face.

Huh? Give me 700 Krusty Burgers! You want fries with that? You did it, Dad! You saved us! I'm proud you're my father. Go away. Eating. Well, it sure is lucky...

Check it out! I finally found a dead guy's clothes that fit me! (ALL SCREAM) What? It's not... (YELLS) My hand! What's happening?

How could you be so irresponsible? I-it's my first day. Since I've never seen you before, maybe it is your first day.

I got one. Will Milhouse and I be friends till we're toothless old men with hair in our ears? Will Milhouse and I be friends when we're high school dropouts living off Uncle Sucker? Will Milhouse and I be friends at the end of the day?

Aah! Ohh! Simpson, be a dear and rub my legs till the feeling comes back. A bug, I tell you! A bug! I'm gonna resign.

I'm not going to press charges, but I assume you'll want to punish him. Yeah, I appreciate the suggestion, lady, but he hates that, and I gotta live with him.

Ooh! Mmm. Ohh! Mmm.

Well, Homer, this is it. Time to get back with the people. The young people. All right! Yeah! Cool concert. Am I right? Yeah, nice try, narc. Where's the narc? Who? That fat jamaican guy.

The Baby-sitter Bandit has left a trail of her daring nighttime robberies... across the continental United States. She could be lurking anywhere, about to descend upon another house full of unsuspecting dupes.

Children, today's local hero is Homer Simpson. Yea! Mr. Simpson bowled a perfect game, without the aid of steroids, crack, angel dust... or the other narcotics that are synonymous with pro bowling. Thank you, Bart's teacher.

Gonna run out the clock in Florida, eh?

Okay, here you go. - The phone book for Hokkaido, Japan. - Thank you. May I please use your phone? Is it a local call? Y-Y-yes.

Homer, your bravery and quick thinking... have turned a potential Chernobyl... into a mere Three Mile Island. Bravo.

Huh? Hey, Benedict Arnold, our cups don't want your colorful balls! No one calls me unpatriotic! (EXCLAIMS) Uh-oh.

Come on, come on! Crack those atoms! You, turn out those pockets! Atoms. One, two, three, four-- Six of them! Take him away!

I got it! I got it! Yes.

This is Papa Bear. Put out an A.P.B. for a male suspect... driving a... car of some sort, heading in the direction of, uh, you know, that place that sells chili. Suspect is hatless. Repeat, hatless.

kill two For matching clogs see my vest see my vest oh, please won't you see my vest I really like the vest. I gathered, yeah.

who wearS short shorts we Wear short shortS they're such short shorts we like short shorts

Marge, since the kids left, I've lost five pounds! Oh, that's wonderful! And look-- new hair! I'm this close to having a comb-over. Oh!

I hope you wont judge the entire Brian Setzer Orchestra by my actions. Rock and roll is supposed to be about peace and love. - Who said that? - Will you stop saying that? - Simpson! - S h h _ English - US - SDH

(SCOFFS) Why on earth did I marry you? My track record! I've had 10 sons. Now take a ride on the kingmaker! (SHUDDERS)

Las Vegas doesn't care for out-of-towners. Take your money and go someplace else.

I'll get that new hip I've been hankering for. Then, who knows? Beekeeping? Boxing? Bocce ball? The world is my oyster, Smithers. Farewell. Lisa, your father needs your help.

from TV's Springfield Heights, 90210. He's cool, he's sexy, he's 34 years old. Let's hear it for Kyle Darren! And here's country singing sensation Lurleen Lumpkin, fresh from her latest stay at the Betty Ford Clinic!

Guys are always patting my bald head for luck, pinchin' my belly to hear my girlish laugh. Hmm. That doesn't sound like they like you at all. You're right. First thing tomorrow, I'm gonna punch Lenny in the back of the head.

I'm Troy McClure, and I'll leave you with what we all came here to see: hard-core nudity!

I see you beat that bed-wetting problem. That's in there? Don't worry. They'll forget... just like they forgot about me in that tiger cage for 18 agonizing months. Every night I wake up screaming. Well, let's meet your classmates.

Puma Pride! Puma Pride! Catch the fever, Skinner! You crumb bum! You looked me right in the eye and lied to me!

Marge, Marge! You're a little late. She's gone to the hospital. The hospital?! I'll drive you. Thanks, Mom. Don't ever call me that.

And a stunt like that impresses people? Oh, yeah. And I'm not easily impressed. Wow! A blue car!

It's Grampa! Munster? No, Simpson. Oh, darn! Darn! Darn!

A Flaming Homer. Why don't you make us up a couple of Flaming Homers?

Go away! Go away! We believe in God, the Father Almighty, creator of Heaven and Earth-- Shoo! Shoo! Heaven and Earth-- Where were we? Oh, now I'm lost.

Hey, wait a minute! just because I'm wearing pink doesn't mean I'm some kind of pink doughnut-eater... although it is tempting. Drop that doughnut. Let's go, pinky.

I learned how many drams in a pennyweight. I got expelled. That's my boy. Mmm, beer. What? Look, Dad, I don't need school. I'll make my way as a bootblack. Shine your boots, guv'nor? No son of mine is gonna be a 19th-century cockney bootblack.

I own all your songs, losers. Hee, hee, hee!

Well, sleazy entertainment and raunchy jokes... will never be as popular as sobriety and self-denial. You're about to learn the two most dangerous words... in the English language are "Marge Simpson." It's a light-pink '87 wagon.

I love to get blotto. My name is Hans. Drinking has ruined my life. I'm 31 years old.

I hope you never say a word. Daddy.

Oh, I am, am I? Is that what you think? Well, if that is what you think, I have something to tell you. Something that may shock and discredit you. And that thing is as follows.

You could eat off of it. You hungry ? Yes. Four onion rings !

Ah. It's making me dizzy. I'm gonna take a nap. All right, I'm in charge here. Oh, run along, Quimby. I think they're dedicating a phone booth somewhere. Watch it, you talking tub of donut batter. Hey, I got pictures of you, Quimby. You don't scare me. That could be anyone's ass.

Dad, I really need to rest my back. Okay, sweetie. Daddy'll take over. Oh, yeah. That's a fine-looking-- D'oh! Okay, no big deal. Stupid Lisa!

Yeah. You made us march in that Gay Rights Parade. And we can't watch Fox, 'cause they own those chemical weapon plants in Syria.

Well, McGarnigal, Billy is dead! They slit his throat from ear to ear. Hey, I'm trying to eat lunch here.

was arrested today for massive tax fraud. Krusty's years of tax "avoision" would never have-- What the heck is "avoision"? "AvoisiOn"-- It's a crime. Look it up. Would never have-- "Evasion." "Evasion." I don't say "evasion," I say "avoisiOn." Would never have come to light if not...

It's a conversation starter. (GROANS) This is the dance the Chinese government makes dissidents perform before they shoot them. (VOCALIZING)

Cheat? Aw, geez. Man, those derringer bullets are weak. Powerful weak.

Bart, can we stop for ice cream? Yes. Bart, can we weigh the car at that weigh station? Yeah. Bart, can we pick up that hitchhiker? I don't see why not. - Bart, could we stop for ice cream? - Yes.

I've done a lot of bad stuff through the years. Now I'm paying the price, but there's so many things I'll never get a chance to do-- smoke a cigarette, use a fake I.D., shave a swear word in my hair...

Um, I shoot birds at the airport. Everybody hates birds, right? Well, you look pretty successful. Thanks. I play a millionaire at parties. At least I'd like to. You probably should have researched this first, eh, Dad?

All right. Time for my favorite show. M.T.C.: Monkey Trauma Center Wiii not be seen tonight- so we mayproudlypresent this much cheaper show. f Woman f Taxicab Conversations.

Wow, just think of the possibilities. Lisa Simpson has won the Nobel Prize. Nah. Lisa Simpson has won the Nobel Prize for Kickboxing. Hmm.

Tomacco! Give them the plant, Homer! No. I'd rather die! Aah! Take it!

It's pure journalistic dynamite! Uh, sir, this place could be bugged. Shh. Okay, now we can talk. Turn it off! Journalistic dynamite.

- Homer ? - Marge ? Yeah. You want a ride ? Sure.

The doll's trying to kill me, and the toaster's been laughing at me. Eww! Dog water. Your doll is trying to kill my husband! Yes, I'll hold. Everybody loves A clown so why don't you

That's right. just because we're not rich doesn't mean that we don't have--

Lisa, are you doing math? Uh, just a few Venn diagrams. There's more under her chair.

Your headgear seems to be emitting a buzzing noise, sir. Perhaps you have a bee in your bonnet. Bee?

Oh, I guess you're cranky... because I didn't come home last night. I'm cranky... because my husband got drunk and humiliated me in front of the entire town.

- That's sort of nice. What are you in for ? - Atmosphere.

Twelve good men, and true. Good day. Smithers, release the hounds.

All right. I'm almost there. It-- Ohh!

But I urge that guilty person here, under the eyes of God, to come forward, to confess,

- Angela, I'm afraid I-- - Thank you. Next. What were you thinking? Well, you said you wanted "gritty." In other words, ugly. I wanted Mary Ann on Gilligan's island ugly, not Cornelius on the Planet of the Apes ugly. TV ugly, not ugly-ugly.

I just had a bad dream. Oh, sure. You just lie down and tell me all about it. Well, I know it's absurd, but I dreamed the bogeyman was after me, and he's hiding-- Bogeyman! You nail the windows shut. I'll get the gun. Bart, I don't want to alarm you, but there may be a bogeyman or bogeymen in the house.

Why, it's Bart Simpson! Hello, Bart!

Or, as the ladies like to call me, "Hey, you, behind the bushes."

I think Lisa needs another push on her new tire swing! No, Dad, I wanna get down. This tire is filthy and the steel belts are poking me. Whee! Whee! No! No! Uh, no offense, Homer, but your half-assed under-parenting... was a lot more fun than your half-assed over-parenting.

I wish I could go 17,000, but-- Hmm? Hmm?

Isn't there anything here that doesn't have meat in it? Possibly the meat loaf. Well, I believe you're required to provide a vegetarian alternative. Yum. It's rich in bunly goodness.

Hey, egghead! Sing "fair Harvard." Fair Harvard, I-- You, sir, have the boorish manners of a Yalie! Here's A witty rejoinder For ya!

So that means I don't have to pay the fare? I-- I suppose, uh-- Whoo-hoo! I'm afraid you don't appreciate the seriousness of the situation. Fine. Take me, but let the boy go! I'm afraid he has already gone. Oh!

ANNOUNCER: The Talbot Report with Chloe Talbot. Tonight Chloe interviews Bob Dylan. So, Bob, what religion are you converting to now? Hey, I'll tell you one thing...

Aww! So that's what's been wrong with the little fella. He misses casual sex. Can we keep Santa's girlfriend, Mom? Please? But she's not our dog. She's yours now. Once they fall in love, they lose their racin' spirit. Won't you miss her loyalty and companionship?

Yes! I am a citizen! Now, which way to the welfare office? What? I'm kidding. I'm kidding. I work. I work.

Hey, Casey jones, where's this train headed? - Springfield. - Yeah, yeah. What state? I can honestly say that was the most fun I've ever had. The mill, the history, all that gorgeous foliage.

It's also illegal to put squirrels down your pants for the purposes of gambling. Boys, knock it off. Bart, I figured it out. Who's someone you've been making irritating phone calls to for years?

Well, now, there's no need for profanity. My name may have changed, but I'm still the same man I was last week. Not to us you're not. I mean, how would you feel... if you suddenly found out Ned Flanders was an impostor? Who's Ned Flanders? My next-door neighbor. Religious guy? Oh, you mean Reverend Lovejoy. No, I don't!

I hear reading!

It's a living mirror. Cool hat! Well, I'm glad you're always here. But isn't it a little rough on your marriage? You know, Manjula understands. I told her that endless toil is the only true path out of this jerkwater burg. Well, when you have a free night, we'd love to have you two over for dinner. Oh, please. Do not be insane.

Dad, maybe you could lead Bart's tribe. You mean, like some sort of madman? - Ideally no, but-- - I'll do it.

Sure, baby. Whatever your trip is. Disco Stu wants you to be comfortable while he does his thing. Who's Disco Stu? Hey, Mom! Hi, pumpkins! Kids! Back away, not today Disco lady Have you been in here all day? You missed all the fun.

Come on, Itchy. Kill him! Kill that guy! "A chance for more mis"-- Look at that fat oaf. Shh! That's Teddy Roosevelt.

They were smart enough to catch me !

Um-- Um-- School dismissed!

You killed me, Bart!

Want some more, do ya? Well, sure. Heck, it's not my job to talk people out of killing themselves.

Eat water, good buddy! Whoa! Look at him roll!

Oh, no. Look at the line. Oh, there they are. Ah, it's the swindlers. The Simpsons. Ah, them stinkin' liars. Well, there goes Christmas dinner. Oh, head of the line.

Go to your room! No! This family stinks! Mr. Burns nurtures my destructive side. I'm suffocating here. Bart, you listen! Oh, go eat some flowers! My secret shame.

So, in conclusion, good luck on tomorrow's big final exam.

Cheated! Cheated! Cheated! Cheated! Cheated!

Oh, my little sugar bun. I'm so glad you're safe. But-- But-- But-- But, M-M-Mom! You're embarrassing me in front of the army guys. How ironic. My crusade against television has come to an end so formulaic...

Aye, sir. You bath-taking, underpants-wearing lily hugger.

the dizzying highs, the creamy middles. Sure, I might offend a few of the bluenoses... with my cocky stride and musky odors. Oh, I'll never be the darling of the so-called city fathers, who cluck their tongues, stroke their beards, and talk about what's to be done with this Homer Simpson.

Residents are advised to stay inside... unless you wear sunscreen or are very, very hairy. Experts recommend a class nine, or Robin Williams level of hair coverage. Help! Somebody! Let me in, for the love of--

This past summer, all of America was trying to solve the mystery... of "Who Shot Mr. Burns?" Then they found out it was the baby.

Yes! But we've got to do it from different angles. Again and again! And again and again and again!

You look sharp today, sir. You looken sharpen todayen, mein herr. You looken sharpen todayen, mein herr. That was a gutsy decision, sir.

I'd better not. It's 50 rosaries a kiss. Oh, okay. Oh, what the heck.

Hey, shut up! Mmm! Unprocessed fish sticks.

Let's look at a picture book, The Big Book of British Smiles. That's enough! That's enough!

Go forth, Noah. And remember, the key to salvation is-- You've seen the movie. Now meet a real-life Noah. Only this Noah has been accused of killing two of every animal. Coming up next on A.M. Springfield.

Now, I can teach you how you're supposed to say "jive." Dad! Please just drive the car, Dad. I'm watching the road, sweetie. "You jive turkey!" See? You got to sass it. "Quit jivin' me, turkey!" You got to sass it. A turkey is a bad person.

Oh, you two. We're eating genetically modified vegetables. Look how big they are. This corn doesn't look so big. That's baby corn. What? American corporations should stop playing God with nature. There's nothing to be afraid of.

Hot stuff comin' through. Dad, why did you bring me to a gay steel mill? I don't know! This is a nightmare! You're all sick! Oh, be nice! Oh! My son doesn't stand a chance! The whole world's gone gay!

Principal Skinner, I need some "sooes."

I'm sorry. That leg's gonna have to come off.

(THUNDER RUMBLING)

Who is it? Goons. Who? - Hired goons. - Hired goons?

Hey, kids! We're eatin' dinner tonight! Come on. Tiffany, Heather, Cody, Dillon, Dermott, jordan, Taylor, Brittany, Wesley, Rumor, Scout, Cassidy, Zoe, Chloe, Max, Hunter,

Oh! Oh... Homer, come down for dinner. Did you make enough for Ray? Oh! Ray's not coming! He is, too! His truck's gonna come around the corner right now. Right now! Right now! Now! Now!

Way to guard the parking lot, Top Gun! I have three medals for this.

You sold us out, Conover! Stand back, or I'll boot your prime minister! I'll do it! So help me, God, I'll boot him!

Excuse me. What are you doing? I'm giving you the beating of your life! Look, if-- Stop that. If you wanted him that badly, why didn't you just say so? Smithers, dismember the corpse and send his widow a corsage.

Hi, kids ! Guess what, Sideshow Mel ? It's time for itchy & Scratchy !

Shut up! Some of us prefer illusion to despair.

And find that dog. Yes, sir. Chair goes round. Chair goes round. Hey, Homer, you busy? - Yes. - There's a new guy at the plant. Maybe we ought to say hi to him. I don't know. I'm kind of dizzy.

Fluffy and Fuzzy went to the park the ice cream social the boat show and other wholesome activities and they never ruined their fun by giving in to their throbbing biological urges.

It's slightly faster... to the max! 256? And I'm stuck with this useless 252. Don't destroy me. I can still make you happy... to the max!

Look at me, Lise. I'm Baron Von Chicken Pants. Bart, that's tomorrow night's dinner. You're tomorrow night's dinner. Mom! Bart took what I said and turned it into an insult! That's nice, dear!

Saints be praised! Oh, closer. I've always dreamed of this moment.

My mind is made up. I'm not coming back, and that's final. Oh, Seymour. And I'm not Seymour. My name is Armin. This is Armin's apartment, Armin's liquor, Armin's copy of Swank, Armin's frozen peas. Can I see your copy of Swank, Armin?

There wasn't any nuclear material in the truck! Very well. It's time for your bribe. Now, you can either have the washer and dryer where the lovely Smithers is standing, or you can trade it all in for what's in this box. The box. The box! Burns, this is a big problem. You just can't throw money at it and make it go away.

that your dreams will go unfulfilled. Uh-oh. You're busted, Dad.

Manjula, come quick! The octuplets said their first words. Mommy-- Will-- - You-- - Let-- - Daddy-- - Come-- - Back? - Cookie! Oh, they miss their father. Are you sure you don't want to take him back?

Guys, he's really sick. Hello! That sounds like a pig fainting. I'm sorry, boys. I-i've never expelled anyone before, but that pig had some powerful friends.

Do you know what really frosts my Kelvinator?

Hot diggity damn! That's good enough for me!

Yes. I'm sure you do, comrade. I do appreciate your being here. You're usually so mired in sleaze... it must be an effort to come down to the studio. May I say something? Certainly, Congressman. He hasn't won yet! You make a very adulterous point. We will now conclude this debate with a Krusty campaign commercial.

Dad, that line was in the cartoon. I'm pretty sure it wasn't. Our phone bill is $400. They've charged us for a call to Brazil. Boy, did you make a prank call to Brazil? No, sir. I didn't. Choke on your lies! I'll teach you to-- Homer, they must've made a mistake.

I guess this is the time to tell you-- you're adopted and I don't like you. Bart! But don't worry, because you've got a big brother who loves you... and will always look out for you. Oh, Dad.

Life jackets? Check. Tow rope? Secure. Skier? Ready. Here we go. She's down. Oh, look at it go. Stay there, honey. We'll come back for you.

For legal purposes, sick kids may include hookers with a cold. (LAUGHS) It's the most wonderful time of the year (SCREECHING) With the kids jingle-belling And everyone telling you "Be of good cheer"

I have misplaced my pants.

Mm-hmm. This is a Mexican delicacy called a taco platter. Mmm, delicious. This is Selma taking a siesta. "Ay, carumba !"

Hey, kids. Look who's making breakfast.

A hand! Ow! Daddy, something attacked me!

We're all going to die! Run! Mmm... mmm.

See you tomorrow, loser.

Christmas in December Wow, wow, wow Give me tons of presents - Now, now, now Hey, Homer.

This Simpson fellow seems to be getting dumber by the minute.

Here's an appealing fellow. In fact, they're a-peeling him off the sidewalk. It's funny 'cause I don't know him.

Bogeyman! You nail the windows shut. I'll get the gun. Bart, I don't want to alarm you, but there may be a bogeyman or bogeymen in the house.

- Five alarm chili, eh? - Mm-hmm. One, two-- Hey. What's the big idea? Oh, I admit it. It's only two alarm. Two and a half tops. I just wanted to be a big man in front of the kids.

But why, Mr. McGwire? Do you wanna know the terrifying truth, or do you wanna see me sock a few dingers?

Well, I think it's only fair I get to name him. You got to name me. You should be glad I did. Your father wanted to call you "Bartzina." Coltrane, would you like to hear some music written by your namesake? (PLAYING JAZZ MUSIC) (SCREECHING) (THUD) Coltrane!

Even though the Leader himself is completely nonviolent-- he urges you to be as violent as you like in capturing the Simpsons. What are you doing? They're not here, you idiots! Idiots? That's slander, sir, and we have it on tape. All right. I'll get out my checkbook.

I haven't been in a play since high school, and I thought it would be a good chance to meet some other adults. Sounds interesting. You know, I spend all day alone with Maggie, and sometimes it's like I don't even exist. Sounds interesting.

Oh, man, that's good. Oh, pass the butter.

You know, honey, when I think of all the good times we've had together-- Did you see that, Marge? Oh, my God! You walked into the fountain! Get out of the fountain! Just stand still, and I'll get someone!

The Leader knows all and sees all. Ooh. Well, that is impressive. And he's going to take us to a wonderful new planet. Oh, this Leader-- He sounds like a grand fella. Willie, I'm not sure we're making any headway here. Would you shut up, woman. He's talking about my leader.

F.B.I. You're under arrest for fraud. Mm-hmm. Throw the book at him, sonny. D'oh! Now, where's the inside man? Mmm?

I suppose it will be my job to lead the hooting. Oh, yeah! Shake it, madam. Capital Knockers.

Some party, Homer. Shut up, net-face. - Hey, you're in the net too. - I said, "Shut up, net-face"!

Wedgie! Whoa! That man ate all our shrimp and two plastic lobsters!

Places, people. Man! Acting is tough.

I'm so despondent. Cheer up, Homer. ts only rock-and-roll camp. But I like it.

Hi, I'm Troy McClure. You might remember me from such telethons as... "Out with Gout '88" and "Let's Save Tony Orlando's House." Folks, do you realize without your support, public television can't afford to bring you such award-winning shows as... Edward the Penitent?

Hidilly-ho, Bart!

Oh! (GASPS) LISA: No! Way to go, Moon Milhouse!

Homer, I've never told you this before, but I'm not a good flier. I have to get off the plane. Let me off the plane. I'm asking you nicely to open the doors! Take it easy, Marge. How about if we dope you up real good?

Come in? Come in! Mayday! I'm losing your transmission! I said, "French fries!" What the-- Do we sell French... fries?

Now, boys and girls, who knows what this is? Triangle. Very good, Bart! You have first choice of toys for free-play. Cool! I call the Flintstone phone! Yabba dabba doo! I like talkin' to you!

Woo-hoo! The circus! A media circus. Woo-hoo! I don't know the difference. LISA: ABC, CBS. Uh-oh. The Christian Science Monitor has a flat tire. I'll get the spare.

Congressman, I have a tape here of you using your free-mail privilege... to send a "get well" card to your aunt. If they hear about this in Modesto, I'm ruined. Maybe I wanted to be caught.

Mm-hmm. Very well. One last question. Have you ever seen the sun set at 3:00 p.m.? Aye, once, when I was sailing round the Arctic-- Shut up, you. Take one last look at the sun, Springfield.

Oh, no, you don't! Come on. Get in there. Drop! Woo-hoo! Ow!

Thou has forsaken my church! - Well, kind of, but-- - But what? I'm not a bad guy. I work hard and I love my kids. So why should I spend half my Sunday hearing about how I'm going to hell? Hmm, you've got a point there.

Get out of the way! Oh, no! No! Ya! We're free! We're free!

Hurry up! I can't stand here jabbing you all day. Please-- Ow! Stop. Bag boys have feelings too, you know. No, you don't. Excuse me. Is there a problem here? No, I can handle it. - I'll get you, squealer. - Ow! Okay, that's it. On behalf of Sack Stuffers local 199,

I'll see to it you don't get apricot one.

(GASPS) What did she say?

Mind if I watch TV with you? Oh, go ahead, Patty. Tonight, on MacGyver... MacGyver... MacGyver... MacGyver... Aunt Selma has one hour to live. Hey, down in front.

Yea ! All right ! People ! What have I told you about encouraging him ? When Bart wins approval for making a fool of himself, it makes him think that he's-- Yea, Bart ! Bart ! Bart ! Bart ! Bart ! Bart ! Bart ! Bart ! Bart ! Hoo, hoo, hoo, hoo, hoo, hoo, hoo, hoo !

Well... Uh... Oh, we finally found out why the dog was scooting around on his butt all day. Turns out he had an impacted anal gland. The excitement never stops.

Check it out. I built myself a healthy apple. But you made it out of ham cubes. Yup. A shiny new apple.

Wow, a side of Dad I've never seen! Penny for your thoughts, Miss K. I was just thinking... You wouldn't be interested. Try me. It helps to talk. Well, I was just wishing I could meet a man who likes the way I look first thing in the morning - Laughs at my jokes... Uh-huh.

I like your attitude. You're hired. How about you, missy? Do you want to be a mop girl? Not really, no. I like your honesty. You're hired. And you two haven't said a word. I like that. You're hired. Whoo-hoo! Hey, keep it down. Y'all can stay in this trailer. Now it ain't Buckingham Palace. Ohh!

Got any threes? Go fish. Oh! See, here's the problem, Ralph. You have several threes. Go fish! Why don't we watch cartoons? The justice League is moving into their new building today.

Homer, you know how I feel, so it's up to you. Look in your heart. I think you'll see what you want.

Ooh. I don't feel so good. Flanders, you gotta help me!

slang from the '30s that no one uses anymore. Like "rubes"? Now you're on the trolley. Well, we gotta get. Here's the money box. Any questions? Uh, yes. How do we handle refunds? Uh, I'm gonna give this to you. - Good move. - Give me 10 rings. Lookee, lookee. Hey, hey. Wocka, wocka. i got rings and you want 'em.

Eww! She's faking it.

Oh, she'll break a lot of hearts, Homer.

Nah. All right. Fair enough. Toss 'im in the hole, boys. There goes a real sack of crap. Indubitably, old chum.

Be good to each other ! And the Silverdome... now ablaze with flashbulbs as Hooray For Everything leaves the field !

Ah, this show ain't no good.

Ow! Ow! Ow! What the hell is wrong with you? Gee! Sorry! It's a pretty standard stunt, Homer. Homer, get ready! For what? Remember? Luann and Chase are taking us out to hear Spalding Gray.

- Can I have a free calendar? - Okay. Clear! Oh, Doctor, I was in a wonderful place filled with fire and brimstone. And there were all these guys in red pajamas sticking pitchforks in my butt.

Ah! 206 bones, 50 miles of small intestine, full, pouting lips. Why, this fellow is less a snowman than a god! Well, we've managed to stave off cabin fever for a few hours.

I've been thinking about what Bart said. If he's really interested in being a musician let's buy him a guitar. We already have a guitar. I meant a real guitar. This is real. Wow!

Shh. Why, you ill-mannered sack of crap!

Knife goes in guts come out that's what osaka seafood concern is all about

I got a "B" in arithmetic

Oh, I'm gonna lose my job just 'cause I'm dangerously unqualified! Mr. Simpson, there is a way. We could, well, use a computer to change your grade. Computers can do that? Oh, yes. The only problem is the moral dilemma it raises, which requires-- Oh, I love-- Moral whuzzah?

Hey, there, blimpie boy flying through the sky so fancy free

(GRUNTING) Eat fire, punks! KIDS: Whoa! What the... I'm still cold. Will everyone please stop fighting and burning?

T-minus 14 seconds. If you need anything, you call me. All right. What's the number? I never had to call my own company. Someone will tell you upstairs. But, Homer, on your way out, if you wanna kill somebody, it would help me a lot.

The Catholic Church-- we've made a few changes. These Super Bowl commercials are weird.

D'oh! This is a great invention. Watch. We got a great big convoy Rocking through the night We got a great big convoy Ain't she a beautiful sight? Convoy Quit it, Dad!

That sure was a fun trip to Las Vegas. Eh, too many kids.

Can't you read? Call the police!

LISA AND JANEY: Miss Lucy had a steamboat The steamboat had a bell Miss Lucy went to heaven And the steamboat went to... (GASPS) Hell-o operator (SIGHS) Get me number nine And if you disconnect me I'll chop off your be... (LOUD GASP) ...hind the 'frigerator... Phew.

D'oh! Hens love roosters geese love ganders everyone else loves Ned Flanders Not me! Everyone who counts loves Ned Flanders

"Pigabar"? What the hell is "pigabar"?

It seems I will never sell these She-Hulk vs. Leon Spinks comics. Worst crossover ever. Yeah. Shoo, nerds! Shoo!

I'm going down to Moe's for a couple beers. I'll come with you. No! No more drinking.

Wait! Don't go! My stock will have a slight rebound in 2003. I had nothing. (TIRES SCREECHING) They even took my repo vans. I had nowhere to go.

Bart! Selma! Oh! You tried to kill me. I want a separation. My best-laid plans have gang agley.

Homer, we have to ration the water carefully. It's our only hope. Oh, pardon me, Mr. Let's Ration Everything. What do you think we're floatin' on? Don't you know the poem? Water, water everywhere, so let's all have a drink. - Homer! No! - What does it matter? We're doomed.

Uh, this is the most exciting thing to happen to our fair town since the Dalai Lama visited in 1952 and so, I hereby declare that Route 401 currently known as the Dalai Lama Expressway will henceforth be known as the Michael jackson Expressway.

And they're violent, and they distract you from your schoolwork. Those are all good points, but the problem is they don't result in me getting the game. I know how you feel, Bart. When I was your age, I wanted an electric football game more than anything in the world. And my parents bought it for me, and it was the happiest day of my life.

Don't cry for me. I'm already dead.

Looks like heaven's easier to get into than Arizona State.

Shut up ! Shut up ! D-oh ! D-oh ! D-oh !

Oh, we got Willie. Come on out so we can give you a medal.

What is this, merry old England or Petticoat junction?

No, no. That won't scare anybody. On the top. Oh!

Oh, my father gave me beer as a child...

I don't know but I've been told The Parthenon is mighty old How old We don't know That's real good but needs improvement

Sell! Sell! Sell!

Whoo! Ah, yeah You got Poison to play at our wedding? We're Cyanide. A loving tribute to Poison. We need a ride home! You expect me to walk down the aisle to a monster ballad?

Oh! I'm not gonna lie to you, Marge.

Oh, I hate my job. I mean, what's the point, when your boss doesn't even remember your name?

Wolodarsky takes it at the five. And oh, my. He fumbles ! Oh, no ! Another touchdown ! Come on.

God? Thou has forsaken my church! - Well, kind of, but-- - But what? I'm not a bad guy. I work hard and I love my kids. So why should I spend half my Sunday hearing about how I'm going to hell?

"In regards to your specific comments about the show, "our research indicates that one person cannot make a difference... "no matter how big a screwball she is. So let me close by saying--" "And the horse I rode in on" ?

It's a door! Use it! That's a door?

Oh, that submarine is so fake. Look, you can see the strings. Ooh! An octopus! - Shh! - What?

Hi, kids! Welcome to Kamp Krusty! I'll see you in a few weeks. Until then, I've turned things over... to my bestest buddy in the whole wide world-- Mr. Black. I want you to treat-- Mr. Black. with the same respect you would give me.

Homie. I'd like you to do something for me. You name it. I want you to give up beer for a month. You got it. No deer for a month. Did you say "beer" or "deer"? Deer. Please, Homie. I know you can do this.

I vow to reach out to the Latino community. Voy a vomitar en la tumba de tu madre. ¡Ayayay! What'd I say? What'd I say? You said you were going to vomit on their mothers' graves. Oh, so that's why my maid quit.

More. Mmm! I don't understand it. James Coco went mad in 15 minutes.

Well, they're under the weather.

Hello, children. Hello, Bart.

I think Lisa needs another push on her new tire swing! No, Dad, I wanna get down. This tire is filthy and the steel belts are poking me. Whee! Whee! No! No! Uh, no offense, Homer, but your half-assed under-parenting... was a lot more fun than your half-assed over-parenting.

Well, don't look too hip. You don't want that girl falling for you. You're right! Hmm, hmm, hmm. These would stop Joan Collins herself!

Oh, wait. Now I can do it for real.

Krusty! "To audience, I now proclaim this new burger... for sale!"

Hello, everyone, except Homer. Happy Birthday, Granddaughter. Marge, I think that's your father-in-law across the street. Happy birthday!

and its proud naval tradition. Well, I'm keeping this earring, and you can't stop me! Oh. I always thought Lisa would be the one to get her ears pierced. Can I? No! Time to reap the benefits of bein' cool. I don't believe this. Everyone's got an earring.

But I am just a simple librarian. I have only read about dancing in books. I will show you something that is in no book. Ooh! Mmm. Ohh! Mmm.

Martha, play something to lighten the mood. (PLAYING TAKE ME OUT TO THE BALL GAME) Buy me some peanuts and Cracker Jacks I don't care... Ow!

is coming to Springfield! It's all here-- fast kickin', low scorin'. And ties? You bet!

that devastated Brazil last summer...

Homer, what is it? Slow down. Yer getta ferda redda oura. Think before you say each word. You broke a promise to your child.

Why did the clown cross the road ? To rob a Kwik-E-Mart.

I made it the whole day without seeing her again. I mean, hello! I guess we'll be going down together. - I mean, getting off toge-- - I mean-- - That's okay. I'll just push the button for the stimulator-- I mean, elevator. Think unsexy thoughts. Think unsexy thoughts. Think unsexy thoughts.

Sign me up, doc.

Patience, my pet. And the Americans jump out to an early lead. Although we should point out... that many of the other women represent countries that don't have swimming pools. Boohoo! You're breakin' my heart.

It burns! I can't see!

Y'ello. Hello, Homie. I was hoping you could pick up... a half-gallon of premium ice cream on your way home from work. Ooh, premium-- Wait a minute. Why ? Patty and Selma are coming over to show us slides from their trip to the Yucatan.

No buts. You march right back to that school, look them straight in the eye and say, "Don't eat me." Okay. Since so many students have been put on permanent detention--

Challenge accepted !

This is Marge Simpson reporting from Lake Placid where the Miracle on Ice never happened. No!

In Episode BF12, you were battling barbarians... while riding a winged Appaloosa. Yet in the very next scene, my dear, you're clearly atop a winged Arabian. Please to explain it. Ah. Yeah. Well, whenever you notice something like that, a wizard did it. I see. All right. Yes. But in Episode AG4-- Wizard.

But it's my banjo. Mr. Simpson, there are thousands of people... like you with no discernible talent. Yeah. They're called Congress. Shut up. Okay. All the individual records... were set by crackpots who half killed themselves. The only way someone new can get in the book... is with some kind of group stunt.

Behind these doors are the finest cops ever to wriggle into size 46 pants. Wiggum? Am I getting warmer? Clancy, you're a disgrace! And in my blind rage,

I'd like a yellow boat, please,

Damn crappy nails! Super glue, my butt! D'oh! You bas..! Hit it..! Shot..! D'Oh! Homer? What is it, Flanders?

Homer, what's going on? I gave up anger forever. From now on, I'm into candles, soft music and horse tranquilizers. Hmm.

Giver of life, mother of us all. Hey, guys, look what I smuggled aboard. Homer, no! Huh? - They'll clog the instruments! - Careful. They're ruffled. I'll take care of this.

They're over there! And guess who's been practicing medicine without a license? That's right. Homer Simpson. D'oh! Freeze, you little shock jocks!

Then they doubled it up on the soundtrack. Cheap bastards. You folks ready to begin? Uh, I guess. Is this episode going on the air live?

The Pigskin Classic between the Shelbyville Sharks... and our own Springfield Atoms. If you have the fever, there's only one cure. Take two tickets and see the game Sunday morning. Warning: Tickets should not be taken internally. See? Because of me, now they have a warning.

Wait, wait, Michael! Go sit at the piano and I'll boil some coffee.

I put my homemade football on hold and set to work making the world's greatest Bat.

Butch Patrick! That's right. I was TV's Eddie Munster. And being in the public eye didn't mess me up one bit. Mm-hmm. Well, obviously. Hey, one question, Eddie. Butch. Yeah, right, right. If your mother was a vampire and your father was a Frankenstein, how come you are a werewolf?

Help. The human's about to escape. Get your paws off me, you dirty ape! He can talk! He can talk. He can talk. He can talk! He can talk! He can talk! He can talk! I can sing Ooh! Help me, Dr. Zaius!

(BRAKES SCREECHING) What? Can't we sit on the couch without something happening? D'oh!

It is the '70s, right down to the smallest detail! Hey, the bartender even looks like John Travolta. Yeah, looks like.

Oh! Fired after all these years of loyal service. I don't want to live anymore! Oh! Give me that wiener! No! I don't want to live, sir! Give me that wiener! No, Apu! It's not worth it! What do I do now?

First, whenever you walk in front of your window, could you please wear pants? Mmm, no. Second, could you please take in your jack-o'-lanterns... from past Halloweens? Mmm, no. And please cover your garbage. It's attracting wildlife. Wha-- Hey, moose! Shoo!

I like your attitude. Feisty, yet spineless. This man failed the aptitude test and got trapped in a closet on his way out. I don't care. I haven't been this impressed since I first laid eyes on a young bootlick named Smithers. You mean..? Welcome aboard, son. I got the job. I got the job! Whoo hoo!

Can I come too? They hit it off right away, but there were rivals for the fair lady's hand. My favorite song. This is so nice. I can't remember when I felt this young.

Hey, Homer, want to smoke some marijuana? They say it's a gateway drug. Hmm-- Well, well. If it isn't the Doobie Brothers. Uh-oh. Crotch the weed, man. Smell any drugs, Sergeant Scraps? Ow!

Now this is what I call a party. How do I tell you this, my boy ? We're in hell. Look at him squirm. You care to dance ? She wants you, Homer. Go for it, Homer !

Very clever, Simpson, luring our bees to your sugar pile... and then selling them back to us at an inflated price. Bees are on the what, now? Simpson, you diabolical--

I got 'eml I'm entitled to a private life! I'm not a role model and so forth! Good, Homer. Now, just pass the groupies and we're home. f Woman's Voice] i iove you. Please sleep with as/ They're bloody cardboard! We know!

This entire plant is in his name. So when they come to put C.M. Burns in jail... it's the canary that does the time. Sir, Can- can you do that? Oh, yes! Tycoons have been doing it for years. Why, Standard Oil was once owned by a half-eaten breakfast.

If I ever find out who you are, I'll kill ya ! I hope you do find that punk someday, Moe. Fill 'er up.

Is there a chance the track could bend? I call the big one Bitey. I've sold monorails to Brockway, Ogdenville and North Haverbrook. Is there a chance the track could bend? I call the big one Bitey.

I've heard them say so often

Until then, I've turned things over... to my bestest buddy in the whole wide world-- Mr. Black. I want you to treat-- Mr. Black. with the same respect you would give me. Now here's-- Mr. Black.

be they Christian, jew or... miscellaneous. Hindu. There are 700 million of us. Aw, that's super. I was rude to every one of you. And you saved my life when you could have just left me to fry... like the proverbial pancake that I am. Oh, Homey, I'm so glad to hear you say that.

Honestly, Smithers, I don't know why Harvard even bothers to show up. They barely even won. Their cheating was even more rampant than last year, sir.

He sounds good. Hire him. I'll call you back, Marge. Simpson. Meeting in the board room tomorrow at 2:00.

Hmm. All I need is one classic character. What-- Stupid lawn chair! Come on! Unfold, you-- Ow! D'oh!

Why, we could revive the lost arts of conversation... and scrimshaw.

It's Saturday! Okilly-dokilly-do! Hens love roosters geese love ganders everyone else loves Ned Flanders

Hey, let's all hug Apu. Aww. Ooh! Hey, there's still time. Let's hug him again.

Oh, brandishing your buttocks is only getting me angrier. I want to see what's going on! No, mother! Don't look out the window!

Homer, my customers are sobering up, and they ain't gonna stick around for the "ambiance." You gotta get me more beer! Sorry, I'm all out. How about some turpentine? Or caulk? Delicious caulk? Look, find it, buy it, make it-- I don't care. - just get me some booze, and fast! - Make it, eh?

The first contestant eliminated is Katie Anderson! (SOBS) (LAUGHS) Katie, you were the first victim of the Buzz Cola trap door. Fall into the flavor hole!

Homer, you do remember your promise to the children? Sure do! When you're 18, you're out the door!

Sir, you haven't slept since the casino opened five days ago. I've discovered the perfect business. People swarm in, empty their pockets and scuttle off! Nothing can stop me now!

Hello. I'm an electric car.

Ah! What the hell is this? Some kind of tube? Hey--

Two hundred bottle rockets, and George Bush doing toe touches by an open window. You get one up his butt, it's a million points. Why don't you just say you're sorry, George?

Help! Help! (MUMBLING) Guess where the next one's going. Up my butt?

No. Because, you see, I went ahead, and... year-wise, I was counting forward from the last previous-- D'oh!

Then came the heart attacks.

He's a bad, bad little boy.

Homer? I got a really wicked idea that could get us into a lot of trouble. Ohh. Mindy, we have to fight our temptation. No, Homer. Let's do it. Let's call room service!

Lise, as your brother, this is the hardest thing I've every had to say. You're not ugly. Oh, Bart!

Don't you get it, Springfield? It's over. You lose. Now, if you'll excuse me, all this talk has made me hungry.

or you can trade it all in for what's in this box. The box. The box!

So... it cost you nothing.

- What are you so mopey about ? - Nothing. Lisa, tell your father. Mr. Bergstrom left today. Oh ? - He's gone. Forever. - And ? I didn't think you'd understand. Hey, just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand.

Now there's so many cuts here, look, I'll just post 'em up and you just see where your name is. Ooh, look at how many cuts there are there. Oh, boy! You're cut! All of you! He's cut. I cut you! Shh! You're cut too, shushy!

But it's still the best damn Starbucks in Glasgow!

The point is I want you to stop making these calls. All right, Mom. I promise you will never be billed for another call. Bobby Sherman.

I've been tenderized.

What? What? D'oh! All right, you win round seven.

Don't you get it, Bart ? Derivative D-Y equals three R squared, D R over three, or R squared D R, or R D R R. Har-dee-har-har. Get it ? Oh, yeah.

Homer, watch your mouth! I gotta go. My damn wiener kids are listening.

I've never seen him do any work around here. What is his job? Safety inspector. That irresponsible oaf? A man who, by all rights, should have been killed dozens of times by now? Uh, 316 times, by my count. That's the man who's in charge of our safety? It boggles the mind. It's best not to think about it.

Are these the things we think of when we think of the Irish? Hey, give me some room! Watch the elbow, Seamus!

Why are you in your underwear? Hey, this ain't the Ritz. At least let's have a civilized conversation, shall we? Lisa, how was school? How was what? What? - School! School! - It's not time for school. I know it's not time--

Oh ! It's gonna be hell. What's the matter ? I would think you'd be used to failing by now. No, you don't understand. I really tried this time. I really tried. There, there.

Fellow workers, I've been meeting with Mr. Burns day and night, and I've had enough. Strike! Strike! Strike! Strike! All in favor of a strike? Aye! All opposed? Nay. Who keeps saying that?

Military school? You lied to me! Well, I'm sorry if you heard Disneyland, but I distinctly said military school.

What I want, what I want I'll tell you what I want I want... (TAPE SLOWS DOWN AND STOPS) That was totally worth it. Stupid Burns! Cuts off my power, lowers my credit rating. Lisa, I think I can help you. You're not mad about Principal Skinrash?

Tough times, huh? I've lived through 12 recessions, eight panics and five years of McKinleynomics. I'll survive this. Even so, sir. We could stand to lay off a few employees. Oh! Very well. Lay off... him, him, him, him-- Hmm. Better keep the egghead. He just might come in handy.

Soul? Come on, Milhouse. There's no such thing as a soul. It's just something they made up to scare kids, like the boogeyman, or Michael jackson. But every religion says there's a soul, Bart. Why would they lie? What would they have to gain?

Now, the secret to the windmill hole is to-- Not hit the blades? Bingo. Hmm, that's odd. It didn't come out the rear end.

Otto, welcome. Apu, hey. Got a bad case of the munchies, man. Time for a heat-lamp dog. Did you know there's a child in your bus?

Aw, geez. And you got the stink lines and everything?

Ah, but, Moe, the dank-- the dank!

Why'd you bring that up? It was an amusing episode... of our lives. Thanks for coming to visit me, Moe.

closed-captioned by captions, inc. Los angeles

Hey, Dad, can you move your head ? No, I can't. It's broken. Hmm. Where would an innocent child... get the idea to attack her father with a mallet ?

"He will not see me stopping here... to watch his woods fill up with snow." Hey, Frosty, you want some snow, man? We discussed this, and I said no.

Die-- Oh. Ooh, sorry. Uh, we don't normally drive these in the Air Force. Gotcha! Ya TV-hatin' mutant. What is your major malfunction, Sideshow Bob?

- Doesn't anybody care that I'm hungry? - Stop it! Stop it! Can't you see this barnyard noise guessing game is tearing us apart? Que sera, sera Whatever will be will be Say, Moe, was it a duck?

You did it, Dad! You can't prove I did it. No! You saved our lives. I could do a lot of things if I had some money. What?

You look familiar. Have we met before? Um-- Clear! Clear! Doctor, he's gone. Oh! This is the part of the job I hate.

Your husband's work is what we call "outsider art." It could be by a mental patient or a hillbilly or a chimpanzee. In high school I was voted most likely to be a mental patient, hillbilly or chimpanzee!

Can I help you? Yeah. I'm looking for Homer Simpson. Oh! It's the woman I married in Vegas! Homer, you're a bad man. And your seed should be wiped from the earth.

Why, it most certainly is!

Seymour. Hmm? You're fired!

If you fell down in the shower, that thing'd be your tomb. Grampa, hush! Here. Why don't you spit some more?

Mmm. - That's the kind of talk that makes me want to marry you. - Oh! But instead, I'm leaving town forever. - Good-bye. - Mmm.

Okay, okay, just Fort Worth! Ah! Hello, UN Women's Conference! (EXCLAIMS) We're trapped!

they tend to use lowbrow expressions like, "Oh, yeah?" and "C'mere a minute." Oh, yeah? They think they're better than us, huh? Bart, c'mere a minute! You c'mere a minute! Oh, yeah? Dad, I don't think this is such a good idea. Thank you, Marge.

I'd do anything for Bart and Lisa. And, uh, Margaret? Who? Lady, you got the wrong file. It's Maggie. Oh, Maggie. I got nothin' against Maggie. I can see you sincerely want your children back.

Wait a minute. Why did it take you so long to say yes?

This is indeed a disturbing universe. Don't touch anything? I'll touch whatever I feel like!

I'm sick of you people. You're nothing but a pack of fickle mush-heads.

Maybe not, but you're stupid enough to have left a "Bart Simpson" label on that radio. D'oh!

Bart, I couldn't help noticing Buck is a total fraud. So I took the liberty of creating a new hero for your wall. That is just grotesque. Well, I thought if you were lookin' to worship someone, maybe it could be your old man.

J; Now, a guitar has many, many nicknames: an ax, a gitbox- I guess that's it. Anyway, we're gonna start with the fundamentals: playing a burning guitar with your teeth.

- Ow! - Look out!

Maude, come quick! The Simpsons are covered with cooties! Help us. We're diseased. Oh, no. That's leprosy. Remember those scary lepers in Ben-Hur? You saw Ben-Hur without me? We were broken up then. Well, that's no--

All right, I'll order. I'll have a medium pepperoni. And could you space out the meat so that it spells, "Happy birthday, Moe." (SOBBING) Oh, God! I'm alone!

if I sang out of tune would you stand up and walk out on me lend Me your ears and I'll Sing you A song I Will try not to sing out of key, yeah

(GRUNTS) Ah-ha! Huh? (SCREAMING)

Think harder, Homer.

We now return to Son of Satan!

to join them in a salute to the greatest hemisphere on earth-- the Western Hemisphere ! The dancin'est hemisphere of all ! Dancing, dancing, dancing

Yes, but there's more. Dad, I love you. But... you're a weird, sore-headed old crank, and nobody likes you! Consarn it! I guess I am an old crank. But what am I gonna do about it?

that actually cleans and straightens your teeth. Oh, goody ! A program-length advertisement ! Wait a minute, Troy. I'm a little confused. Did you say, "cleans and straightens" ? There's no confusion, Tina. just good science. Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like you to meet the inventor, Dr. Nick Riviera.

Welcome to Lee Carvallo's Putting Challenge. I am Carvallo. Now choose a club. You have chosen a three-wood. May I suggest a putter? Three-wood. Now, enter the force of your swing. I suggest "feather touch."

So where to eat? You like Thai? Tie good. You like shirt? Marge, this is Thai food. From now on, I want it morning, noon and night. When did you start liking Thai food? When Trent Steel bought me some. Who's Trent Steel? He's Max Power's oldest and dearest friend.

Right? I dunno.

What is it, boy? Fire? Earthquake? Hippies? Hurricane! Somehow the animals are always the first to know. And the weather service has warned us to brace ourselves for the onslaught...

You can make a difference. Spay and neuter your pets! And remember! Save the violence for cartoons! (BOTH SCREAMING) For details, log onto peta.org. (MOANS)

Your theory of a doughnut-shaped universe is intriguing, Homer. I may have to steal it. Wow. I can't believe someone I never heard of... is hanging out with a guy like me. All right, it's closing time. Who's paying the tab? I am. I didn't say that. Yes, I did. D'oh.

So they say I might have a problem. Homie, do you ever drink alone? Does the Lord count as a person?

"I no speak English."

Get off! Get off! Dad, help! Help! All right, I'm comin'.

Okay, then. Yes. Vent the stupid gas. Aw, no! The corn! Paul Newman's gonna have my legs broke.

Gotcha, Burnsie. Why, you young ragamuffin, I was never one to back away from a snowball fight. Smithers, you may fire at will. Certainly, sir.

Homer J. Simpson, I hate you ! Hey, Barney. Guess who's got a date for the prom ?

Let's see. What's the smallest amount of money I can think of? A thousand dollars! Oh! Oh! My moolah! It's escaping my clutches! (BUZZING) Your kid sucks! Bring it on!

Pull, Duchess, pull! Um, uh, what town did we just crush? Shelbyville.

I can't believe it! Five hundred bucks! just think what I can do with that money. Five hundred dollars on red. The winner is black. Cool!

So we meet again, Mr. Bond. Bart, get out of my anchor chair. Silence, Octopussy. Come on. This isn't a joke.

Bart! What in the name of high school football? Out of my way! I'm Hitler! Oh! Oh! Man, that hurts!

"the Nine Tenets of Constancy." Damn it! Well, I seem to have lost my place, so I'll start over. Aw, for the love of crumb cake.

I never want to see you again, you... you clown! I haven't seen my father since. That is so sad. Do you think about your father a lot? All the time. ...Except when I'm at the track.

Marge, I wanna be a monorail conductor. Homer, no. It's my lifelong dream. Your lifelong dream was to run out on the field during a baseball game, and you did it last year, remember? Oh, yeah.

Listen, Mr. Hobo, you may not have laundry to wash, but I do. Now what do you want to show me? There's your husband, aka Mooch-a-lini, Drooly McGee, Corporal Flashback, etcetera, etcetera. Homer! (SCREAMS) You're panhandling!

I feel like chicken tonight Like chicken tonight Like chicken tonight

Pull over! There's no good place! There's lots of good places! What about over there? No shade!

They become portals to hell... so scary and horrible and gruesome that-- Bart, you should warn people this episode is very frightening. Maybe they'd rather listen to that old War of the Worlds broadcast on N.P.R., hmm? - Yes, Mother. - Good. Now, you hold Maggie. I'm going to buy some earrings at the gift shop.

Lousy house plant! You son of a -- I'll teach you to-- D'oh-- YOu--

Oh, the taxes. They're gonna raise taxes! Come on! All right. That's a good point. Oh, yeah. That sounds-- Oh, yeah, the taxes! The finger thing means the taxes. Well, I guess this is a case where we'll have to agree to disagree.

Oh, sure! Remember when I got caught stealing all those watches from Sears? Well, that's nothing, because you have a gambling problem! And remember when I let that escaped lunatic in the house... 'cause he was dressed like Santa Claus? Well, you have a gambling problem!

I guess I expected something different from your photo. just because there's a little snow on the roof... I forget how the rest of that goes. One month's detention. She'll pay for this. Yup, there's your problem. Someone jammed a Malibu Stacy head down here.

Bart, this is just Dad. Uh, it's a composite character. Your dad, my dad, a little of Maggie's dad.

Oh, it's hopeless. There are some she-males in gazebo three, a nasty looking spider in gazebo six, and the less said about gazebo eight, the better. Ah, Chief, thank God you're here. We reserved gazebo seven, and look. Geez. How many gazebos do you she-males need?

We built this city on rock and roll

Stop the music! Where's Dad?

Nice try, Todd. Isn't this fun, honey? It must be exciting to make a different set of beds.

Daddy's on fire. Daddy's not on fire. Daddy's on fire. Daddy's not on fire. Daddy's on fire... MARGE: Daddy's not on fire! (CRYING) Okay, fine. He is.

Doctor, are you sure it's on? I can't hear a thing. It's whisper quiet!

I can't believe it. All my life, I've avoided doing things for myself. But I'm actually enjoying this. Plus I'm making incredible time. Beep-beep! Out of my way! I'm a motorist. Uh, that's some nice reckless drivin', Mr. B.

So, instead of wounding an evil old man, I may have killed an innocent old man. That's much worse. About 50,000 volts worse, if you know what I mean. Sizzle!

Behold! I am King Talkie Tiki! Hey, Flanders. Can your god do that? A-Actually, Homer, you and I worship the same god, so-- Irregardless! I am your god now.

"I engaged in intercourse with your spouse or significant other."

I'm a bored and joyless old man. Give me a "larf." A "larf"? Okay. Let's see what's in the news today. Oh, for the love of-- Hurl this at that. At Lenny? But he's a war hero. Well, let's decorate him then. No! Not even for... four dollars?

And that's my courageous story. The prosecution moves that principal skinner's testimony be stricken. Denied. Case dismissed. Your Honor, uh, do I still get paid? Hey, Bart, I hope there are no hard feelings.

One thrust and the deed is done. l- I cant do it. Huh? Why not? Well, I guess ll/e- Dear God- grown accustomed to your face.

Are you guys shoplifting? Four-finger discount, dude. Shoplifting is a victimless crime, like punching someone in the dark!

From the town of Springfield He's about to hit a chestnut tree Hey, guys. Look what I smuggled aboard. Homer, no! Huh? They'll clog the instruments!

You're doing that the sucker way. Try a little vitamin "G"! Are you nuts? Relax. It's a controlled burn. Uh-oh.

You gotta say yes!

Ah, these minstrels will soothe my jangled nerves. I'd just like to say this gig sucks! Hey, up yours, Springfield! One, two, three, four! Happy birthday to you Happy birthday - Happy birthday to you - Happy birthday

There's Homer. There's Homer too. That's also Homer. That's Homer! Huh? What's the matter, Ned? I-- I think I hate Homer Simpson. Marge,

Now do "classical gas."

The whole town's laughing at me. Even that cat out there. Bart, kill that cat! Okay! And that big yellow flower! Homer, your growing insanity is starting to worry me.

(ALL STRAINING) Oh, Marge, I'm sorry I got you into this mess. Can I snitch on my heart and say I love you? Oh, Homie...

Boys, I'd like your attention, please. Quiet, Marge ! This is my big moment ! Bart "The Bloody Pulp" Simpson is on the ropes. He is hoping I'll put him out of his misery ! Well, you're in luck, Bart ! Here comes my right ! Oh, no !

No one does this to Dolph! No one! (LAUGHS) Uh-oh! Whoa! I'm riding a unicycle with my pants down. This should be every boy's dream. Ha-ha! Your dad's not handy.

I shall not leave the city-- Hey, you, get that steel drum out of the, uh, mayor's office. Sorry, "mon." Smithers, this plague doesn't scare me. I've constructed a germfree chamber for myself. Not a single microbe can get in or out.

Ooh! Portrait. Sounds classy. Doesn't it?

I'm-- I'm awfully sorry. Entirely my fault. It is nice to meet you, Homer. Oh, no, no. Homer's my... ball's name. I'm Marge.

Give me the ball. Give me the ball!

Mmm. Ohh. Okay, let's see if we've learned anything. I want you two to simulate a typical household problem. Go. Uh, Pa, I cut myself on the screen door again. Why, you cotton-pickin'-- Hey!

You're such a psycho! Mama's boy! Future skank! Family guy! Well, well, well, if it isn't Punch 'n' Juvie. Plant the evidence on 'em, boys. Chief, we don't have to.

Bart and Lisa have to go to school... while I get to stay home. Nyah-nyah-nyah, nyah-nyah-nyah. I like school. Why don't you live in it then? I would if I could. Not me, sister.

Too many wee ones! This gets uglier every year. Any sign of Bart and Milhouse? No. And if they don't get here soon, it'll be T.S. for them.

Uh, this one's about my cat. Yeah, shut up! I'm asking her! Why would you volunteer at the church? I don't know. Guilt? Volunteering is for suckers. Do you know that so-called volunteers don't even get paid?

(BOTH GRUNTING ANGRILY)

It's my old boyfriend, Artie Ziff. Hello, Marge. Have you heard? I'm stinking rich. jealous? I'll bet you'd trade it all for one night with my wife. I would. Mmm! Homer!

Doh ! I... can't... breathe ! Too many... chil... dren. Eyewitnesses estimate the man's weight... at somewhere between 400 and 500 pounds.

No on 24. No on 24. No on 24. No on 24. No on 24. It's a landslide! Yes on 24.

No! No! Beer bring pain! I can't stand to see him like this!

Dad, what's the point of this story? I like stories.

(SCREAMING) Anybody I know.

It won't last. Brothers and sisters are natural enemies, like Englishmen and Scots, or Welshmen and Scots, or Japanese and Scots, or Scots and other Scots. Damn Scots! They ruined Scotland!

That night came the honeymoon. Eww! She's faking it.

YOUNG MARGE: Oh, no. My retainer.

Uh-oh! Rapids! Please do not exit the raft... until it has come to a complete stop. Mr. Silas, this young lady's flashing her privates. Oh! Well, I'll dispose of this!

I'm this close to having a comb-over. Oh!

Oh night Divine Hey, my voice just changed. Oh night When Christ was born Dagnabbit!

This is it. Yes, this is it !

(LAUGHING) Bart, how can you laugh at that? You just had a heart attack! Yeah, but what does not kill me, makes me stronger. (GASPS) Wow! That was a lot of words. I need some energy. Hey, hey, kids.

Mr. Burns is gone. And tonight was the night I was gonna show him my tattoo. (SOBBING)

Oh! I love you, Dad! Mmmmm. I am very upset with you. Sounds like someone's angling for a pony of her own.

Well, that was disgusting. Worst ending ever.

I've got an empire to rebuild. And the person who's going to help me is... that girl. Please. No.

And now you lose everything. And I go back to whatever it is I do. Lisa, honey, you spelled the word wrong, but you did the right thing.

Shut up! You two are not only horrible parents, you're violent criminals. And I'm gonna lock you up till frogs do fractions. Your Honor, may I say something? Well, it is highly unorthodox...

NO-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O!

Well, if I dont have the remote... I can just get up and change the channel.

I think you're ready for it, Alan. And, um, I'll just, uh, get us started. Uh, we'll need that to live.

Hey, I know you. You’re my mechanic- Junior. Frank Grimes, Jr. Frank... Grimes? Dont you remember? Your apelike incompetence drove my father insane. Frank Grimes.

You don't have to like everything, e.g., my latest review. "john Deere has come out with this year's line of rototillers. "Surprise, surprise-- they're green! I say it's time to send john Deere a 'Dear john.'" Oh, that's classic!

I'll strike where you cannot protect them-- in their dreams!

She's about to bring out the big guns. Eyelash implants. I thought those were illegal. Not in Paraguay. There's no way I can beat this girl. She's the jack Nicklaus of the pageant circuit. Oh, I don't know that she's as attractive as jack Nicklaus.

Stop laughing, you imbecile. Don't you realize how close you just came to killing yourself? Who did this to my wall?

From now on, the baby sleeps in the crib. Iron helps us play! Hello, Joe! From now on, the baby sleeps in the crib. Iron helps us play! Hello, Joe! Bart?

Oh, geez! That's just awful! Mmm! Now, what do you have to wash that awful taste out of my mouth? Mountain Dew or crab juice. Oh, geez! I'll take a crab juice.

Ow! Watch it, coney! Whoops.

Delightfully devilish, Seymour.

I'm beginning to think this alumni party was just a ruse to get our money.

You know, if you lived here, you'd be home by now.

Noooo! Noooo! Noooo!

Um, I guess I'll have the chicken tandoori. And I'll have the beef Wellington.

Hey, I heard there's a lunar eclipse tonight. Maybe we should look up. Nah. For me it's solar or nothin'.

This is a private jet. Why do we gotta watch The Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood? The boss, he's got a thing for the Ya-Yas. Why was I born a man?

This just in, Santa Claus is dead. (SCREAMING) Or he might as well be because there's an even fatter man who's holding families at nice-point. Homer Simpson, seen here in this retouched photo!

Mister Seltzer? Setzer. No, I think it's Seltzer. What is it, Homer? I came up with a stage move I feel is very cool. Baby, baby, baby, baby- Weve gotta start using a cheaper oatmeal.

IN the gaRden of Eden honey don't you know that I love you - in the garden of Eden - baby don't you know that I'll always be true

Sit down! Sit down! You're ruining it for everyone! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Can I help you? Potato man. Where the hell have you been?

Maybe you two should get a nanny. Yes, and what would I pay her with-- banana bread? Sorry, sorry. It's just we haven't slept in days... and we're running out of money and-- Banana bread! What the hell were you thinking? Banana bread.

It's a shame it didn't work out, Marge, but George just felt this neighborhood brought out the worst in him and-- Oh, my. Well, so long!

Lisa! - Oh! - Marge! Your shoe!

No! It was finger Ling-Ling good. Whoa! No! Yee-haw! Score one for the bad guys.

Oh! Oh, ya bastard!

I think I'm blind. Wha-- Good day to you.

Well, I guess that's it, folks. Had Some lAughs killed some tiMe Apu, you're a bachelor. Get up there. - Oh, no, no. Please. I am nothing special. - Don't be shy. Uh, excuse me. Excuse me. We have one more bachelor. CaSh the check Wha--

What were you thinking, sending Bart to such an awful place? I was trying to punish him exactly like you would. So, in a way, you really dropped the ball on this one. This is your mess, and I'll be damned if I'm gonna clean it up.

How about jazz? Do you like jazz? I like jazz. Milhouse? She got you too? Yeah, but it's not so bad. I'm standing on Ralph. We're a totem pole.

Why are you all dressed up? I'm sick of this house, and I'm sick of you!

Enough of your borax, Poindexter! A man's life is at stake! We need action!

I'm sorry. I'm really not comfortable with this, Ethan. What's the matter, luv? It's just-- It's-it's the same, old, tired gags, isn't it? I mean, let's give the audience some credit. - How about a giant mousetrap? - I love it!

Hey, 'pu, you got a breakfast cereal for people with syphilis?

Okay, hotshots, now that my daughter is on your team, I want to make a few things clear. Please, Dad. I'll be fine.

Lisa's right. It's an angel! Now, that's interesting.

Who is playing with the London Symphony Orchestra? Come on, people. Somebody ordered the London Symphony Orchestra. Possibly while high! Cypress Hill, I'm looking in your direction. Hey, man, did we order an orchestra? What's up with this orchestra? Where'd the orchestra come from, man?

When I get you, I'm gonna use your head for a bucket and paint my house with your brains.

I did it. D'oh! Folks, this is your captain speaking.

Too late! We need something quick. My husband's eyes are really shot. Whee! Touch the sky, Maggie. Whee! Touch the sky! Dad, I've got Maggie. Who said that?

I've seen teams suck before, but they were the suckiest bunch of sucks that ever sucked. Homer, watch your mouth! I gotta go. My damn wiener kids are listening.

It's time to take out the trash. I'll get you for this, Midler!

I'll chew. No man will want you. All I got now is sperm in a cup. Come on! Come on! Time to get up! We wanna go to Duff Gardens! Time to go to Duff Gardens! Oh, great. Dad's dead.

You should all do what I say. My I.Q. is 199, for crying out glavin. 198. 197. Big deal. My I.Q. is 280. Stephen Hawking! The world's smartest man!

It just sounds like something I would say.

Have you heard of Krishna consciousness? This, Bart, is a crazy man. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. Right. That'll work.

Superintendent, we made the front page today. Hmm. Now, what's that say under your hand there? Hmm? Oh, it's an unrelated article. It's an unrelated article? Mm-hmm. Within the banner headline? Yes.

I'm Mike Wallace. I'm Morley Safer. And I'm Ed Bradley. All this and Andy Rooney tonight on 60 Minutes!

- I'll take Kyle. - I'll take Ashley.

Could you please be quiet? Quiet, biet, diet ziet, fiet Bart, get out! It's not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to fit in eight hours of TV A day. The itchy and scratchy show

Worst parents ever! Ha-ha! Hey! No extension cords! You know, we could get out of these stupid things... if you'd just tell the judge you're a bad mother. And you don't even have to say "bad."

Super fun happy slide!

Well, ifby "shoot" you mean "teach''.,

Gym? That's the stupidest thing I ever heard!

All we own, we owe All we own, we owe Shh! All we own, we owe All we own, we owe

Enough of your borax, Poindexter! A man's life is at stake! We need action! Take that, you lousy dimension! Huh? Huh? Oh, there's so much I don't know about astrophysics.

That's the activity room. We're not allowed in there. That's the library. Not allowed in there either. And don't even think about going in the game room. Egad, man. How are we supposed to pass the time? Best bet is to stake yourself out a good spot at the starin' window.

Come on, kids. We're gonna visit Grampa. Then we're gonna take the dog to the V-E-T. Huh? Then take Bart to get C-I-R-C-U-M-C-I-S-E-D. Huh?

Um, excuse me. Isn't there anything here that doesn't have meat in it? Possibly the meat loaf. Well, I believe you're required to provide a vegetarian alternative. Yum. It's rich in bunly goodness. Do you remember when you lost your passion for this work?

Well, I'm proud of you, Homie. You set out to fight an animal, and you ended up saving its life. What can I say? I love nature. Circle of life.

Whoa ! Kid, tonight's not your night. All right, man, you asked for it. No more Mr. Nice Guy. Aha ! Blocked it. You missed me. Oh ! I got you. Ooh. Don't try that. I got you blocked. And the crowd is on its feet as Hurricane Homer moves in for the kill !

You know, kids, my teachers said I would never amount to anything, and until last week they were dead right. But now I've achieved perfection. Hmm. Any questions? Yes. Bart's weird friend.

And that's when the CHUDs came at me.

Think he's gonna do something dangerous? How should I know? Just keep loading missiles. Pop music's hard work. The Statue of Liberty? Where are we?

(SPITS) When we published the story, we received the school's highest award. Ladies, it is my great pleasure to award you these certificates of merit. In this box marked "honoree," fill in your names. And over here, write in what you did. I'll be back. You ain't tasted the last of my spit.

What the heck? Ah! Ow!

I am Pahasatira Nahasapeemapetilon, and tonight I will be playing "MacArthur Park" on the tabla. No, I am serious.

Here's a phone. Call somebody who cares.

I love you guys.

How wrong I was. I should have never read that book. Wait, Bart. Maybe the library has another book that will reverse the spell. It's our only hope. To the book depository. Hey, Simpson. I'm feeling a mite peckish.

Don't mess with me! I've got jimmies! I can only see a horrible rainbow!

I was born a no-goodnik, and I'll die a no-goodnik. Seymour! I didn't bring you up to use language like that! You didn't bring me up at all. The hell I didn't! I've been taking care of you for 26 years! I'm the only mother you've ever known! But you have your real son. You're my real son! You've been my son longer than he has.

- Uh, you ever see the movie Misery? - Actually, no. Then this'll all be new to ya.

It's for charity. It benefits victims of balcony collapse. We can wipe out B.C. in our lifetime. I don't care about B.C. I care about M.E.-- My enjoyment.

Bleeding Gums Murphy! Little Lisa. It's good to see you again. It's been a long time. My friends call me Bleeding Gums. Ew! How'd you get a name like that? Well, let me put it this way. You ever been to the dentist?

Oh. Something's wrong with its brakes. Gangway!

You got the kid singing! I hope you're happy now! I am not happy. And I haven't been happy for a long time. I want a divorce! I-- I-- A... divorce? Sure. Divorce. Hey, you got it, toots!

Poison, poison, tasty fish.

Hammocks? My goodness, what an idea. Why didn't I think of that? Hammocks!

You're watching PBS. You're watching PBS? Hey, I'm as surprised as you, but I've stumbled upon the most delicious British sitcom. "Do Shut Up"?

- Come here, boy. - Oh, man ! - No ! I just want to have a heart-to-heart talk. - Oh. You know, Bart, after me, you're the man around the house, and you're gonna have to help out with-- Ah, come on ! I do plenty around here ! Lisa never lifts a finger.

Is there a snack table? It's already set up. Don't film this!

You know, Bart, when I was your age, I pulled a few boners.

Ready! First, patch the cracks in the slab using a latex patching compound and a patching trowel. Hand me my patching trowel, boy. Hmm. Now, do you have extruded polyvinyl foam insulation? No. Good. Assemble the aluminum j-channel using self-furring screws.

- Why, you little-- - Dad! I'll teach you to-- Dad! Company! Company! Oh. I'll just be another minute, John. Have a seat. So, do those records have camp value?

about Homer and Lisa.

Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife? I do. One groom-- Two grooms? But he-- But you can't-- Oh, my medication!

No, my ears are really burning. I wanted to see inside, so I lit a Q-Tip.

unless you both go through the loop... together! I can't see, you idiot! Take your hands off my eyes!

Greetings, good man. Might I trouble you for a drink?

We can wipe out B.C. in our lifetime. I don't care about B.C. I care about M.E.-- My enjoyment.

Little Bart. Little Lisa. Little Marge. And the rest! Oh, I've lost everything! I can't go on!

So then his wife comes through the door! So? Did I mention she was dead? No. Well, she was. And she hit him in the head with a golf club. And? Don't you remember? He went golfing all the time, and it really bugged her. You said he went bowling.

Now, Coach, I've tried to be Christian and respectful. But I guess I'm just gonna have to point out your $200,000 check bounced. Legally, I still own this house. Yeah? Tell it to the Marines! (BOTH GRUNTING) (GROANS) Okay! Okay, I give. Ow! (GRUNTS) Ow!

Oh, I'm gonna lose my plow.

maybe we'll be having breakfast too.

Aw, crap! Somebody had to take the babysitter home. Then I noticed she was sitting on-- her sweet can. I grab her-- sweet can. Oh, just thinking about-- her can. I just wish I-- sweet-- sweet-- s-s-sweet can.

Oh, my goodness !

(HOMER EXCLAIMING PLAYFULLY) Oh! Hmm. Dad, were all those people on the list?

Old Man Winter! That's right. I fill your driveways with ice and snow. What are you gonna do about it? Nothin'. That's what. Stop! Mr. Plow! Get out, you lousy... season.

So, you like doughnuts, eh? - Uh-huh. - Well, have all the doughnuts in the world!

Now, where did I put my gun? Oh, yeah. I set it down when I got some cake.

I've got three protest rallies tomorrow.

Let's hear from the Stonecutter World Council... before we act too rashly. Kill him. Kill him. kill the fool. Afraid I have to disagree with Orville, jack and Mr. Can't we just do something to his voice box? We might as well face the truth. As long as we are Stonecutters, he will control our lives.

Okay, Mr. Peanut, you think you can keep-- A three-chambered peanut! Marge, look what I did! Come quick! Hurry!

You know, if you were only old enough to grow a bad teenage mustache, - I'd go out with you in a second. - Wow.

Okay. Here we are. Alt dot nerd dot obsessive. Need know star R.M. pic.

Say you don't need no diamond rings and I'll be satisfied tell me that you want the kind of things that money just can't buy I don't care too much for money

And revulcanize my tires, posthaste.

Sir, you haven't slept since the casino opened five days ago. I've discovered the perfect business. People swarm in, empty their pockets and scuttle off! Nothing can stop me now! Except microscopic germs. But we won't let that happen, will we, Smithers? Uh-- No, sir.

Are you here to solve my ketchup problem?

Ahh! Yeah! That's one fine-looking barbecue pit. Why doesn't mine look like that? Why? Da-- Why? Why must life be so hard?

What a load of garbage. I'm ecstatic. With the money from this, we're within striking distance of our trip to Albany. Super. Now, let's give a big junior Achievers welcome to our guest speaker. I know he can teach us a lot about business. Mr. C. Montgomery Burns.

It's a Krusty Kinda Kristmas! Brought to you by ILG-- selling your body's chemicals after you die. And by Li'l Sweetheart Cupcakes, a subsidiary of ILG.

I have asked you nicely not to mangle my merchandise. You leave me no choice but to ask you nicely again. Can I go to the candy show? Can I? Huh? No, me, me! Take me! Take me!

Shh! Oh, boy! Buffalo testicles!

How dare you destroy my valuable wall and spill my priceless acid? Did you really think you were going to get away with it? - I wasn't-- - Silence!

I've never felt so alive.

Marge, they don't have anywhere to stay. And they're geniuses. They'll solve all our problems. They'll elevate us to the status of kings on Earth! Mr. Simpson, we all have nosebleeds. Oh, for the love of--

I think I wet my bed.

What's she trying to pull? Those shoes look Canadian. She'll never fit in.

But... will they just find Milhouse, or will they find him and kill him? Well, they'll-- When they find him, they'll, um-- Excuse me, you didn't answer me. You just trailed off. Yeah. Yeah, I did kinda... trail off there, didn't I?

Look, you can see our houses. There's an awful lot of black smoke coming from my chimney. Mr. Hutz, why are you burning all your personal papers? As of this moment, Lionel Hutz no longer exists. Say hello to Miguel Sanchez.

Hi, Homie. I feel much better. Listen, Marge... uh... how would you feel if I told you the dog ran away? Homer, that's awful. Oh. Well, I got good news. The dog didn't run away. Well, good. I'm coming home, honey. You can pick me up in an hour and bring the kids.

Helping others makes our own lives better... and makes us better people. So instead of just shooting pool and drinking beer, let us Stonecutters use what we have... to help the less fortunate.

I hit it! I hit it! My cans. My precious, antique cans. Aw, look what you done to 'em.

So, you thought you'd pull a fake wedding, eh? You're under arrest. Come on, Chief. It was just a prank. Would some flatware make things right? Um, what does it say on my badge? (READING) Let's go. (BART SIGHS) Bart, the record of your mischief is staggering.

Have you been eating that sandwich again? Sandwich.

Simpson ! Well, I wine them, I...

No, Homer, not yet. This is what is known as aversion therapy. When someone hurts you emotionally, you will hurt them physically. And gradually you will learn not to hurt each other at all. And won't that be wonderful, Homer ? Oh, yes, Doctor. - Whoa ! - Aaah !

we do, we do who holds back the electric Car who makes Steve guttenberg A Star we do, we do who robs cave fish of their sight

Isn't anybody gonna show up? Well, Lisa, we've waited an hour. "Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today... to bid farewell to Blood and Guts Murphy."

Ow! Ow! Not the face! Okay, the face!

And sometimes, I want a little time to myself and I expect you...

There was one boy who trusted me all along. - Bart? - Yes, sir? Thank you. Oh, yeah.

You've really done it this time, Bart! You're in for the punishment of a lifetime! When do you expect the ringing will stop? In about 10 to 15 seconds! I certainly hope so!

All right. That's the last straw! Time to take out the trash! But first I'm going to have to ask you to leave.

will help clean the air up and protect the Earth's supply-- You're faking this to get the gift, aren't you? But I liked the nice things you said about me. Thinking of saying good-bye to gas? You betcha. Bart! Well, that shut me up. Hello. I, uh, love your planet deeply...

What do you want?

I am the Lizard Queen! Give her this... and this... and then these. Oh, thank you, Doctor. Oh, I'm not a doctor. Come to Homercles! I can't. The beans will burn.

Don't you have school? Don't you have work? Ah, touchÉ! Bye, Marge! Aren't you gonna say bye? Good-bye, Homer. That didn't sound like you meant it. Oh, all right. Good-bye, sweetheart. Have a nice trip. That's more like it. So long, suckers!

And I should warn you I'm told I snore. Ooh, Divorce Court is on in 15 minutes!

There's no such thing as Scotchtoberfest! There's not? Ya used me, Skinner! Ya used me!

(GRUNTS) You leave me no choice! (WHIRRING) (SIGHS) I was supposed to shoot you, but I didn't! I changed the future!

No, no. It's home-brewed. Careful. It's hotter than a Fox News weather skank. Oh, my! Hot! Hot! Hot! La, la, la, la, la, la, la. Here. Let me wrap this wet towel around your head to cool you off. La, la, la, la, la, la, la. (PANTING) Stop him! He's expressing his faith, eh!

Shh! English - US - Line 21

Eat my shorts. All right, I'll eat-- Eat your shorts? Yeah, eat my shorts. ButtmaN na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na buttman Buttman?

Oh, Ned, I am so sorry. I never knew you were such a Beatles fan. Of course I am! They were bigger than Jesus. But your boy went Yoko and broke up my collection. Hey, boys will be boys.

You have been selected by Slash-Co to reap the benefits of their new Never-Dull knife edge. Here. Shake hands with the Slash-Co. Handle first, handle first.

It's like there's been a curse on me. It's all my fault. No, it's not. Yes, it is. You tried to warn me about gambling my family's future on some pig in a poke. I didn't listen. Homer, you were a true friend.

This is supposed to get you a husband? What the hell are you laughin' at? I'm just tellin' the truth. And it's funny. It is? In that case, I'm proud to announce my triumphant return to comedy.

I'm not wearing a tie at all.

He's not dead! No, but his career is. I remember when Al jolson ran amok at the Winter Garden and climbed the Chrysler Building. After that, he couldn't get arrested in this town. Don't worry, Homie. I'll take care of you.

and the windows are from the old liquor bottles we collected. Hey! I thought I told you to stop licking my windows. I know. You told me. And when I woke up this morning, I said, "Barney, you're not gonna lick that man's--" I'm so proud of you, Mr. Burns. You're getting your fortune back,

J Weird A/ sayingJ J Oh, yeah, the credits go on J J Long after the viewer's J J interest is gone J J Oh, yeah, Weird A/ had fan on this showJ J Even if it was just a brief cameo JJ

See you in hell, Seymour! Good-bye, Mother. How horrible!

They don't sound happy but here comes a mob shaking their fists in gratitude! Get him! Give back our presents, stupid man! Your behavior, it's like not sanctioned by any governing body. You're like wild. Shouldn't you all be singing carols or something? (GROANING)

ANNOUNCER: And now, our opening act, in their first live show since Tinky Winky was acquitted of manslaughter. Not guilty! The Teletubbies! (CHEERING)

It's okay, Marge. They pave the way for this kind of filth in school. So, Dad, were you excited that Mom was pregnant? Actually, your mother hadn't told me yet. At that time I had no idea Maggie even existed.

between the Mississippi National Guard and the League of Women Voters. After basic training, you'll only have to work one weekend a month. And most of that time, you're drunk off your ass. You know, Lisa, I've taken a lot from this country. Maybe it's time I gave something back. Are you thinking of joining the naval reserve?

"It's unlawful for a man to be hatless during daylight hours."

Hey, Homie! I can see your doodle. Shut up, Flanders.

Do you have any jobs for a man who wants to die? Something indoors-y. Close to a bathroom? I'll put you on rig 13 as soon as they burn off the corpses. This job will be perfect.

When the Snow starts a-fallin' there's A man you should be callin'

I think the survivors would envy the dead.

Lisa, hand me your paper. I'm just gonna take this over to the refrigerator and--

There's Old Curly. He played the town preacher until we laid him off. But he still hangs around. Help me, please. I'm sick. Homer! But it's funny, Marge. The guy's sick.

Oh, hard luck. Glad to "rake" your acquaintance.

Dad, what's a "Muppet?" Well, it's not quite a mop and it's not quite a puppet, but, man-- So, to answer your question, I don't know. Parry. Why'd they make that one Muppet out of leather?

Hmm. Hmm. - Hmm-- Hmm. - Grr!

The fingers you have used to dial are too fat. To obtain a special dialing wand, please mash the keypad with your palm now. I'm gonna have to shut it down myself! Fat, don't fail me now! D'oh!

where we 're minutes away from the blossoming of the Sumatran Century Fto wer. .. which only occurs once every hundred years.

Hi, Maggie. I'm Homie-womie, the Teletubbie. And I'm all man, in case you heard otherwise. Let's see what's on tummy-vision. Ow! Oh, that hurts! Ow! Ow! Whee! Whee!

And get me a bottle of bourbon. Grampa, you know you can't have liquids after 3:00 p.m. You can stir it into my mush. Either way, just gimme, gimme, gimme!

Best bet is to stake yourself out a good spot at the starin' window.

Krusty the Clown, how do you plead ?

Bart, would you like to read a book? No. Would you like to color something? I did. Mmm.

Look at the sandwich!

Wake up! Wake up, Springfield! I've got a surprise for you. Oh, Lord! What now? Oh, that can't be good. People of Springfield, behold my latest work! Homer, what have you done?

Seymour? Hmph. Let's just say his mommy won't let him out to play. What about Coach Fortner? Glug, glug, glug, glug... Wow. What about groundskeeper Willy? Ugh! I won't even tell you what that guy's into.

Of course, because you wouldnt want to- I paid for your splendor, you-

What happened to Mr. Murphy? I'm sorry. He passed away. Oh! Lisa, honey, are you gonna be okay?

Oh, no. It's happening.

and I'm pulling your favorite song out of the jukebox. "It's Raining Men"? Yeah, not no more it ain't. Ow! Ooh!

Woody, give me a beer. I think you've had enough, Mr. Peterson. My chiropractor says I can't carry you home anymore. just give me another beer, you brain-dead hick!

All right, that does it. If I'm gonna be trapped inside the house, I gotta go out and buy some beer.

Hello. This is Moleman in the Morning. Good Moleman to you. Today, part four of our series... of the agonizing pain in which I live every day.

Get bent. Bart Simpson."

Come on, Homer. This isn't funny. Damn right! Bart, you can't go to see that Itchy and Scratchy movie ever!

(GASPS) Homer, did you steal the organ from the church? Maybe. We don't know that for sure. Well, you gotta take it back. After the party.

Disemboweler iV, the game where condemned criminals... dig at each other with rusty hooks. Mm-hmm. Do a little housework, and you can play for five minutes. No way. Yes'm. See, Lisa? Males aren't hard to tame.

Uh, excuse me, Mr. Simpson.

Cool! Glad you're happy. Let's roll.

Perhaps it's part of some daring new ad campaign.

Well, did you meet Larry? Oh, yes. He made light of my weight problem, then suggested my motto should be "Semper Fudge." At that point he told me to "relax."

Come now. You speak as if they were a gaggle of slack-jawed yokels. Mr. Terwilliger, come quick! There's trouble down to the cement mixer, sir! See, Cousin Merl and me was playing fetch with Geech. That's our old smellhound and-- Geech gone to heaven, Mr. Terwilliger.

I hope you all saved room, because I made your favorite dessert. Store-bought snack cakes-- both kinds. Hmm. Hmm. - Hmm-- Hmm. - Grr!

Hey that's rough, pal. Hello, Marge. You left your damn porch light on. Barney ! Homer's not made of money, you know. Who is this ? Don't listen to him, Marge. He's-- - Oh, it's you. - Oh. Homer, you're overwrought. Why don't you unwind a bit ?

Hmm! Yes. May I help you? Nice place you got here. Oh, look. A hairnet. Be a shame if it was... hurled to the ground. Ooh! How clumsy of me.

Nothing big. It's just a lot of little things. Well, you can't argue with the little things. It's the little things that make up life. Homer, I'm disappointed, but I think you need to do what's best for your family. Well, thanks for everything, Hank. T-minus 14 seconds.

Well, since you attended public school, I'm going to assume you're already proficient with small arms, so we'll start you off with something a little more advanced.

Having a child-- that's a big step. You bet it is! Think what it'll mean! Not just the McBain movie, but maybe my own fragrance-- "Smellin' of Troy"! It is probably my last chance to be a mommy. Cigarette, Mrs. McClure? You bet! From now on, she's smoking for two!

Um, the guy who chopped up George Washington? Really? Wow?

We're gathered to mourn the passing... of Herschel Schmoeckel Krustofski, beloved entertainer and dear friend.

Are you losing your hearing, or are you just stupid ? I am going to explain this to you one more time, and then I'm going to hang up on you.

And as for you, you clinking, clattering cacophony... of collagenous cogs and camshafts, take... that! Aahh! Run, sir.

Oh, Hugh, thank you. You've been just wonderful through this entire ordeal.

Are you ? No ! Then run along, you little scamp.

English - US - Line 21

Wait. Joy of movement increasing. Love of dance impossible to resist. Toes twinkling! Look at me, girls. I'm doing ballet. And I love it!

Oh, you all talk big, but who here has the guts to stop me?

Right about now, you're probably saying, "Troy, I've seen every Simpsons episode. You can't show me anything new." You've got some attitude, mister. Besides, you're wrong! Because sometimes episodes run long... and certain scenes never get aired.

Blah-blah-blah, bling-bling-bling-blah. Hey, egghead! Sing "fair Harvard." Fair Harvard, I-- You, sir, have the boorish manners of a Yalie! Here's A witty rejoinder For ya!

Ach du Liebe! Das ist not eine booby.

Dude, let's trash this place.

Whoa! Whoa! Whee! Whee! Whoa! Ah, I can't believe we ate a whole wedding cake.

Yeah. That was just a lie. Simpson, the American people... have never tolerated incompetence in their public officials. You are going to crash and burn, my fatheaded friend. See? We're still friends. Come on. Give us a cuddle.

He never misses it. Hmm. At the town meeting, he mentioned that he watched Comedy Central. I made sure to note that, as it seemed quite unusual. Ye gods! To the police station, Krusty! I am Melvin Van Horn, and this is my associate, Hershel Krustofski.

That medicine seems to be givin' your son a lot of gas. I assure you his belching is the result of an unrelated alcohol problem. Oh! It just ain't the same without Homer. He knew how to drive a car.

Marge ? Huh ? Come here. Shh. Where are we going ? I wanna make sure the kids don't hear. When I was young, I always hated knowing my parents were fighting. They're fighting in the car again. That music always sends a chill down my spine.

Ooh, look, Maggie. What is that ? Dodecahedron. "Do-deca-he-dron."

No, no, Ralph. This means you're failing English. Me fail English? That's "unpossible." Muntz, Nelson. You're failing history, geography and math. But you're doing quite well in home ec. Hey, keep it down, man! Simpson-- Lisa.

You never know when an old calendar might come in handy. Sure, it's not 1985 right now, but who knows what tomorrow will bring?

; Hey, hey, good-bye;

Coochy coochy coo! Stop. Please stop. Oh, you swing like a girl. Come on, now. Please have mercy. Got your nose. Not funny. How 'bout this little bee? No! Oh!

How about that? I looked something up. These books don't just make the office look good. They're filled with useful legal tidbits.

Mr. and Mrs. Simpson, I'm facility director Tab Spangler.

- when I am driving my automobile? - Yeah. Everyone needs to drive a vehicle-- even the very tall. This was the largest auto that I could afford. Should I therefore be made the subject of fun? I guess so. Wh-- He--

People die all the time, just like that. Why, you could wake up dead tomorrow. Well, good night.

It's no use. I guess I'll have to leave all my money to the Egg Advisory Council. Eggs have gotten quite a bad rap lately, you know, Smithers. Oh, look. A bird has become petrified and lost its sense of direction. I think it's a rock, sir. We'll see what the lab has to say about that.

Hey, Flanders! You smell like manure! Uh-oh. Better cancel that dinner party tonight. Thanks for the nose news, neighbor! - Hey! No one-termers. - Ah!

Look. Now we've got 'em. Hey, that's Homer Simpson. And his kid, Bart. - Let's kill them ! - Bring 'em out ! Off the kid, man. Off him ! Kill Bart ! Kill Homer ! Let's kill this guy !

Well, at least we're prepared for the new millennium.

Marge, that's twice. I think you're spending entirely too much time with this woman. Homer, please. You know it's hard for me to make friends. Oh, Marge, we should do this every Thursday. Marge, I got sprayed by this skunk. Oh, look. It's doing it again.

It's a music box.

I'm very happy. La, la, la, la, la, la, la. See?

Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow! No knife games on the kitchen table. I didn't hit your precious table!

Get in the car.

Pizza! Your money's on the counter. No tip. Oh, you miserable bastard! That's why I'm up here. Death, Death, we miss you so much. You were a busboy in the restaurant of life clearing away the oldies, and the sickies, and the chokies.

Mrs. Simpson, you're under oath. We drove around until 3:00 a.m., looking for another all-you-can-eat fish restaurant. And when you couldn't find one?

Hello, fishies! Listen, rummy! I'm gonna say it plain and simple. Where'd you pinch the hooch? - Is some blind tiger jerking suds on the side? - Yes? Wait a minute. I forgot to make sure... the coast was clear.

Who designed this house?

Homer, I can't get the baby to burp. Could you try for a while? No problem. I'll just give her a sip of beer. Come on, Maggie, it's Miller time. Yes, it's Miller time.

Oh, hell is a terrible place ! Maggots are your sheet, worms your blanket. There's a lake of fire burning with sulphur. You'll be tormented day and night forever and ever. As a matter of fact, if you actually saw hell, you'd be so frightened you would die. Oh, Miss Albright ? Yes, Bart ?

Marge! Where are you? Damn this casino! Double stars! Everybody wins! Yea! Hey! Seven. Lucky seven!

Wow! The "pooblic libary." Let's stay here for a while, Vern. Oh, that man is so rude. Yeah.

I am so smart I am so smart S-M-R-T I mean, S-M-A-R-R-T

Why you little-- Our children aren't safe with that monster! Yeah, keep away from him, Milhouse! You too, Ralphie. You're out of that day care center. Oh! My polite indignation knows no bounds! No! No!

Hello! Pay attention to me. Look at me! I'm Bart, I'm Bart. Look at me. Look at me. Look at me.

Well, here's the thing, Inspector. The button for five doesnt light up. I think I'm gonna be sick. Oh, that's it.

Krusty? Dr. Hibbert, who was that man? Now, Bart, telling you...

I tackled a loafer at work today. Hey, what's with you sad sacks? I'm allergic to everything here. My nose is so stuffed up, I can't even taste Mom's delicious boiled celery. I've been so bored since we moved here, I found myself drinking a glass of wine every day.

After trying four times to explain it to Homer, I explained it to Mom and we were on our way! To the Simpson Mobile!

Hi, everybody! I'm Dr. Nick Riviera. Dr. Riviera. Dr. Nick Riviera. Please report to the coroner immediately. The coroner? I'm so sick of that guy. Well, see you in the operating place.

I've never felt so alive. Great, Martin. Now, big test is tomorrow and I haven't even started-- Who cares about some test ? Life's too short for tests. Hey, I thought we had a deal. Ha ha ha ! The Martin Prince you made a deal with no longer exists. Come on, fellows ! To the arcade ! Cool, Martin ! All right, Martin !

Coming up next: Stardust Mammaries. Baby - I Ay, caramba ! Bart !

Let's thank the Lord for another beautiful school day. Thank the Lor-- Thank the Lord? That sounded like a prayer. A prayer! A prayer in a public school! God has no place within these walls, just like facts have no place within organized religion!

You remembered my name! Well, who could forget the name of a magnetic individual like you? Keep up the good work, Max.

I am Carvallo. Now choose a club. You have chosen a three-wood. May I suggest a putter? Three-wood. Now, enter the force of your swing. I suggest "feather touch." You have entered "power drive."

Duff Beer is brewed from hops, barley... and sparkling clear mountain what? Goat. Uh, close enough! You can really taste the goat. Now, our final round which counts for 98% of the total score,

I can't neuter you, boy. Not after all we've been through. But from now on, you better save your lovin' for the couch cushions. (CHUCKLES) (GRUNTS) You broke our deal! We had an oral contract! Stop it! Stop it, stop it!

Gross! Thanks for dinner. Ow! No! At least, could I have my dollar-- I'll love you for the rest of my life.

In association with Ay Carumba Entertainment. Why that little-- Stupid Bart-toon. Hey, Bart-toon. That's clever. I'm gonna kill him.

What do you have to say about the Leader now, huh? Huh? What Leader? The hell with him. He can taking a flying leap. And who do you love now? Hover bikes! Close enough. Yea!

Are you the Beer Baron? Yes, but only by night. By day, I'm a mild-mannered reporter for a major metropolitan newspaper. Don't crack wise with me, tubby. Tubby? Oh, yes, tubby. Hey, Banner, how's it hangin'? None of your business.

Code blue. Code blue.

Today, Geezer Rock will be officially designated a national landmark.

And there's that awful script from The Cable Guy. Lemme see. Stupid script! Nearly wrecked jim Carrey's career! YOu-- I'm gonna-- What?

Release the dragon. She'll be killed! My sweet little angel! Oh!

Stop clapping! Whoa! Go, Lisa! Come on, everybody. Give it up for my little girl.

That's some good work, Lou. You'll make sergeant for this. Uh, I already am sergeant, Chief. Perhaps you are. But I say Bob goes back to jail.

A man on a donkey! Never in my six weeks on the job have I seen the likes of this.

He's dead now. Gabbo! Gabbo! Gabbo! - Did you see that? - Yeah. - What's Gabbo? - I figure it's some guy's name. Some guy named Gabbo.

Oh, my God! He's got the precious cable-TV cable!

Oh, you're pregnant!

Again and again, he's brought this town to the brink of annihilation. Why are you laughing? His bungling has shortened your lives and mutated your children!

Dr. Zaius, Dr. Zaius Dr. Zaius, Dr. Zaius oh, Dr. Zaius Dr. Zaius, Dr. Zaius

Luigi, I appreciate your courtesy valet service. I made a note on your card in my Rolodex. "Dont whack." Thank you, Fat Tony. Thank you.

Ah, that could've been me. CLETUS: Aw, I wish it had've been. (SOBS) Now that Brandine's famous, she done run off with James Caan. But don't you worry. I'm gonna fix his wagon. A tollbooth? I hate these things.

Here's your caption, boys. "Local Hero Shuns Spotlight and Pitches In."

If ifs and buts were candy and nuts-- - Uh, how does the rest of that go? - Please, just promise you won't buy an air conditioner till we've figured out a way to help Lisa. All right, all right. I promise. Must be another way to get an air conditioner. Mmm, recirculated air.

Don't need it anymore. Doctor says my butt bone's stronger than ever. Ta-da!

You have the ability to shock them and they have the ability to shock-- just testing-- Whoa! Bart, how could you shock your little sister? My finger slipped-- Ahh! So did mine-- Bart, Lisa, stop that!

Chan Ho, your mother Mia and I are getting a divorce. Chan Ho is over there. I am Chin Ho. Whoever you are. just pass it along, kid.

Oh, I don't relish having to write the Christmas letter this year.

I'm here to see Grandpa. Half the people here are named Grandpa. Well, Grandpa Simpson then. Second floor, third dank room on the left. Thanks, lady.

Oh, man! Oh! Don't worry, kids. This is a national park. We can have lots of fun. I'm afraid that's no longer true, ma'am. Budget cutbacks have forced us to eliminate anything the least bit entertaining.

Oh, I invited my sisters over. Ooh! Sisters. Allow me. So then I said to Woody Allen, "Well, Camus can do, but Sartre is smartre."

I can tell she really cared for me. She didn't make me a pallbearer. I can't tell you how sorry I am, Dad. Is someone talking to me ? I didn't hear anything. Oh, no ! Dad's lost his hearing ! No, you idiot ! I'm ignoring you !

Hey, wolfie, put down that hors d'oeuvre. It's time for the main course! Back to class, lad. Nothin' to see here.

You want a bad night? Try sleeping on one of these.

You can do it, Otto! You can do it, Otto! Help each other out! That'll be our motto! You can do it, Otto! You can do it, Otto! Make this spare, I give you free gelato! Then back to my place, where I will get you blotto!

Radioactive Man, number 1,000, please? Ten dollars? I laugh at you. Please to note, this is no ordinary comic book. It is in perma-mint condition. If you spill soda on it, the drops fly off harmlessly onto lesser comics. Yes, you are quite correct to gasp. Also note the price, $25.

(ANNOUNCER READS) Fifty-two jokers playing the game of their lives. I don't wanna be a three! I wanna be a seven! Shut up, kid. You're as crazy as an eight, I'm telling you. ANNOUNCER: With Eddie Murphy as the Jack of Clubs. You don't understand, Officer. I thought that king was a queen. (CHUCKLING)

- Is it this? - Hey, baby! How about puttin' your finger in my ear? Well, I don't know. Your boyfriend looks like the jealous type. Hey, what the-- That chick's messin' with our minds. Let's get out of here. Now, where were we? - Oh, yeah. I was gonna tell your fortune. - Huh? Oh, man. You're gonna be rich!

J; Now, a guitar has many, many nicknames: an ax, a gitbox- I guess that's it. Anyway, we're gonna start with the fundamentals: playing a burning guitar with your teeth. All right! Fire! Mister Seltzer? Setzer. No, I think it's Seltzer.

There were monsters on that ship, and truly, we were them. Lisa, see what we mean when we say you're too smart for your own good ? - Way to go, Lis. - Yeah. Thanks, Lisa.

My horse must lose Did that really happen, or was it just a wonderful dream? No dream. Lose the race, fat boy.

Bogeyman! You nail the windows shut. I'll get the gun. Bart, I don't want to alarm you, but there may be a bogeyman or bogeymen in the house.

You mean this boy here? No! No. Lisa Simpson. When was the Battle of New Orleans? january 8, 1815. Two weeks after the war ended. First-rate. What's a battle?

Hey! Who cut something out of my paper?

Would you do it for me ? Why, how would I know where the principal's office is ? Yea ! All right ! People ! What have I told you about encouraging him ? When Bart wins approval for making a fool of himself, it makes him think that he's-- Yea, Bart !

Our first essayist will be Lisa Simpson. Lisa? Lisa? Oh, there she is. Lisa Simpson will now read her essay-- I would like to read a different essay, if I may? Um-- Okay.

Oh, Lisa, is that too spicy for you? I can see through time.

I said you're gonna watch this tape. And you're gonna do what I say, or I'm gonna do something to you. And I don't know what that is, because everybody has always done what I say.

Duff, duff As an actor, my eyeballs need to look their whitest.

Uh-oh! Someone's getting a visit from Superintendent Chalmers. I... can't... take... this.

Now you're ready to make pretzels. Open your bag of ingredients-- Check for millipedes.

Lisa, honey. Do you need any help with your homework? Sure! You can help me find three words where "Y" is the vowel. I've been so blind.

Hello, Bart. Mom! Dad! Your family can't help you now. Oh, no, Dad's been drugged. No, he hasn't.

Hola, senor. We are gringos who wish to spend mucho dinero in your country. - Splendid. Welcome to Canada. - D'oh!

So, it was pretty okay, huh? Mom, can we go to bed without dinner? Yes, we can. Well, at least I liked it. Didn't I?

Dad, my life lacks direction. ts a concern, a serious concern. Hey, I never chose a path. Because I kept my options open, I can finally do what I want. And whets that? I'm gonna die alone! Gotta pick a career. Gotta pick a career.

Get out. Get out!

Mr. President, your welfare proposal... is nothing but a lot of technical jargon and partisan rhetoric and-- Get off me, Mr. President! That's what you get for not hailing to the chimp.

From the "Z" to the "O" to the double "R"-"O" He's the dude in a mask from the barrio With his horse and his mask and his big ol' sword He'll cut your butt from a '52 Ford

Benedict Arnold. Lizzie Borden. Richard Nixon. But I'm not dead yet. In fact, I just wrote an article for Redbook. Hey, listen, I did a favor for you. Yes, master. john Wilkes Booth. Blackbeard the Pirate. john Dillinger. And the starting line of the 1976 Philadelphia Flyers.

I love you guys. Right back at ya, Son. And now I want you to meet your new brother, Hans Moleman. Cowabunga, dudes. Give it a try. It's like kissing a peanut.

If I am out, the Krusty doll is thy god. If the doll's with me, you will worship the night-light.

Choke on your lies! I'll teach you to-- Homer, they must've made a mistake. We'll just go down to the phone company and straighten it out. Which phone company? There are hundreds of them,

Hmm, Alice in Wonderland, huh? Ah, this must be a take-off on that Alice in Underpants movie I saw. ts so nice to be with someone... who cant understand the horrible things I say. White rabbit? Chicks poppin' mushrooms? This is like the Playboy Mansion!

Maggie? Mmm! No one will ever know.

Wow! Can I see your club? It's called a baton, son. What's it for? We club people with it. Well! It's about time. So you guys like being cops? Oh, it's great.

And I didn't need molded plastic to improve my physique. Pure West. And how come Batman doesn't dance anymore? Remember the Batusi?

Should auld acquaintance be forgot and never

Marge, I'd like to be alone with the sandwich for a moment. Are you going to eat it? Yes.

Sacre bleu! We will show those stupid Americans... who looks like "ze" frog, eh?

(KISSING) So you see what happens when you don't obey your restraining order?

Sure, they may not have the right number of stripes, and the colors are all wrong, and some purists will tell you... the American flag doesn't contain the word "jordache." But you know, if they run this up the flagpole, I'll salute. I'm Bart Simpson.

You'll spend the rest of your life in pri-- My asthma's gone! Listen to me breathe. From that moment on, my life as I knew it was over. Only one member of the Springfield Seven was identified. She's been described as a woman in her early 30s,

Man ! Rusty old hunk of junk ! Howdy, Bart. Hot enough for ya ? Shut up, Flanders. Hey, Dad, how come we can't get a decent mower, like the Flanders have ? just be happy with what you've got, son. Don't try to keep up with the Flanders'.

Sweet bowling alley balloon, you're my only friend. What was that about? Marge, has my life peaked?

"Ketchup." "Catsup." "Ketchup." "Catsup." "Catsup." k-- k-- Oh, I'm in way over my head.

Yeah, sure. Never hurts to have a second set of prints on a gun.

(CHUCKLES) Yes, well, while I disagree with your T-shirt's assertion, I do encourage anything that raises glacier awareness. Busward to adventure. (ALL GRUMBLING)

Son, let's stop the fussin' and the feudin'. I love you, Pa! I love you, Cletis!

You can't treat the workingman this way! One day, we'll form a union and get the fair and equitable treatment we deserve. Then we'll go too far and get corrupt and shiftless, and the japanese will eat us alive! The japanese? Those sandal-wearing goldfish tenders? Bosh! Flimshaw!

Oh! What a horrible four months. Now to warn everybody! Attention: Some crazy creeps on an island somewhere are secretly running the world. Hey! Sorry, old chap, but you're proving quite the caterpillar in our buttermilk. Huh? We're shutting you down. Not a chance. No one can silence me but me!

Marge, I've screwed up everything I've ever done. I mean, look at Bart.

Ow! My eye! I'm not supposed to get jigs in it.

that your dreams will go unfulfilled. Uh-oh. You're busted, Dad.

But, of course, for that ending to work, you would have to ignore all the Simpson D.N.A. evidence. And that would be downright nutty.

Egad! A maniac cutting a swath of destruction! This is a job for the Green Lantern, Thundra, or possibly... Ghost Rider. - What about Superman? - Oh, please.

Smithers, what are you doing up here? What are you doing with his ball? And all those other balls? Uh, there are no other balls. just these, uh, reptile eggs! Oh, step away! They're endangered. These aren't reptile eggs. You've been cheating!

Whoa, this is so dangerous. Yeah, you're right. D'oh! Why, you--

Ohh! Stop! Wait! Wait! Attendez! I cannot get the lid off my jar of rainbows! Who will help me? You, sir?

So, you think you know better than this family, huh? Well, as long as you're in my house, you'll do what I do and believe what I believe. So butter your bacon! Yes, Father.

Huzzah for Marge. ALL: Huzzah. And how about a huzzah for my husband who paid for our new kitchen? Never.

Plus tag team robot wrestling. It's the mighty robots of Battlestar Galactica versus the gay robots of Star Wars. Stop! Please, save me, R2. Oh, you stupid little tramp. You're so boring. I hate you! Ow, ow, ow!

I can't get the smell of slurry out of my clothes. Oh, I was a fool to help that horrible old man. I hope you learned your lesson, Lisa. Never help anyone.

No! But you can pick out any picture you want to take home with you. - Okay. That one. - No! Ow! You can't have that one! That's a coconut cake!

I am evil Homer. I am evil Homer. I am evil Homer I am evil Homer.

I don't see Skinner anywhere. He's probably in costume. He could be any of these people. They're all too old to be dressed up like super-people.

For tomorrow, you should read pages seven through 18 in Lisa's diary. You too. - Get out! - But I'm not in the cla-- Is any of this gonna be on the test? 'Cause I wasn't payin' attention.

Poor Homer. This world was never meant for one as beautiful as you. Kill it! Kill it! Grampa, please. He's in a coma. Coma? Pfftt. Why, I go in and out of comas all the--

What is this, Toyota Previa? Dodge Caravan. Sweet.

Oh, go for it, Dad. That's my boy ! Everything on Santa's Little Helper. Three cheers for Brainy ! Hip hip hooray ! Yay ! Unadulterated pap. It's almost 9:00. Where's Homer anyway ? It's so typical of the big doofus to spoil it all.

Yes. Not the pronoun, but rather a player... with the unlikely name of Who is on first. Yes. Well, that's just great, Seymour. We've been out here six seconds. You've already managed to blow the routine. Sexless freak.

You c'mere a minute!

Can't you do something? Hey. Surly only looks out for one guy-- Surly. Hmm. Sorry, Surly. Shut up. Don't blame these kids.

And by the sacred parchment, I swear that if I reveal the secrets of the Stonecutters, may my stomach become bloated, and my head be plucked of all but three hairs. I think he should have to take a different oath. Everyone takes the same oath. Welcome to the club, Number 908.

like a travel agent to a great scientist... or the inventor of a hilarious refrigerator alarm. Who are you to complain? You lock me up in a home... and give me the same damn shower-safety seat every Christmas. Your whole life you never said one nice thing to me. That's 'cause you're a screwup!

I want you to look into the faces of those poor men. Each one is a life you made worse with your ratting. (ALL STRAINING) Oh, Marge, I'm sorry I got you into this mess. Can I snitch on my heart and say I love you?

Okay, i hear that. i hear that, dudes! You too, Gracie music dude! Guh!

"Major League Baseball"? I told you they were monitoring my activities. He's right! This thing's got info on everybody. Addresses, credit ratings, what size baseball hat they wear. Surveillance beam disabled. Market research shutting down. Doesn't that beat all?

I'm a monster! No, Lisa. The only monster here is the gambling monster... that has enslaved your mother! I call him Gamblor! And it's time to snatch your mother from his neon claws!

You're my only hope, Nibbles. Godspeed, Nibbles. Godspeed.

We're still not sure how he caused the meltdown. There wasn't any nuclear material in the truck!

But when the seeds have been planted, you throw away the envelope. I wish you wouldn't put Homer down like that. He may not be a big success like you, but I can always count on him to provide for the family.

and I'm really enjoying this so-called "iced cream." Sir, in the spirit of the festival and everything, i-i'd just like to say that-- - I... love you. - Hmm? In those colors! Oh, who am I kidding? The boathouse was the time.

I believe the senator has yielded the floor. Yield this, Senator Payne.

I loved that movie, Young Frankenstein. Scared the hell out of me. Uh, thanks.

He misses casual sex.

And this is where our employees gather to unwind... after a hard day of serving the public. Bingo! Birthday card! - Graduation! - Ding-ding-ding! Wedding! I'm sure you all heard of the dead letter office.

You are a wise woman. It is a shame you dress like a Lebanese prostitute. Return to the docks! Well, if he thinks he's getting a corner piece, forget it. (TURKISH MUSIC PLAYING)

One more jostle, you wretched shirk-a-day. Help me. Holy smokes! You need booze.

Well, kids, I tried. Maybe you're right. Wait a minute, Marge. Love isn't hopeless. Look, maybe I'm no expert on the subject, but there was one time I got it right. Artie. Artie, wait. I don't know.

Marge? Yes, Homie? That's it! You people have stood in my way long enough! I'm going to clown college! I don't think any of us expected him to say that.

I know another place you can go! To sleep.

Now we own you! But I haven't endorsed it yet! Football injury. (LAUGHS) Now why don't you just sign the check? Here, use my pen. Forget it. (ROARS)

Remember your hippopotamus oath.

All right, guys, one, two, three. Moo? Lenny, you were supposed to be "E." See what happens when you skip rehearsal.

You're screwed. Thank you. Bye. He's right. He ain't much on speeches. Now, people, we are far from screwed. Aaah! Time for panic has come.

I know things are tough now but one day, you'll be walking along and see a piece of furniture you can love just as much. Hey, Frazier, shut up! You been riding my back all night. Oh, yeah? Care to step outside? Let's do it.

"Why, you little"- Why, you little-

Ach, my beauty. Wait till the superintendent sees you. Were it not a violation of God's law, I'd make you my wife. Now thar's a lonely man.

Look, they used the same "D" for "Dumbo" and "Drop."

(GASPS) Haven't you seen what happens to people who rat in prison movies? Sure, they're on top of the world. Then there's a big riot scene. Then... I don't know. I usually doze off. The prison snitch is killed! And that could be you. Because you're the prison snitch! (ALL GASP) (ALL GROWL) What are you dopes looking at?

may be challenged by any unknown member ofthe audience. I'm challenging you, Hawk... in front of all these outcasts and dreamers... who cant even get into the army, if you can believe it. Dad, how drunk are you? Not very! You’re going down, Homer. Then back up. Then down. Then back up again. That's how the game is played.

So long, su-- Aah!

- Don't people answer the door these days ? - Allow me, sir. Open up ! Open up !

No, I can't ! I can't read or write ! I admit it ! I'm totally illiterate. Now are you happy ? Can it be that the champion of child literacy can't even read himself ? Is it a crime to be illiterate ? All right, all right. See this, Krusty ? This is a B. And this is Exhibit B.

Good evening, again, Springfield. Krusty the Clown, the beloved idol of countless tots, now nothing more than a common, alleged criminal. His trial, which begins tomorrow, has taken center ring in a national media circus... as children of all ages from eight to 80...

Arr! Not a looker among 'em. Full speed ahead! Damn the torpedoes! What'd he say? Put on our tuxedos? I want some taquitos.

That is the most dishonest thing I've ever heard ! I should box your ears, you-you-you Sneaky Pete ! Easy, tiger. Hey, you easy ! Now, get off my property !

Bart Simpson? The spirited little scamp who twice foiled my evil schemes... and sent me to this dank, urine-soaked hellhole? Uh, we object to the term "urine-soaked hellhole"... when you could have said "peepee-soaked heckhole." Cheerfully withdrawn.

Oh. Oh, gosh. You know, I'm not much on speeches, but it's so gratifying... to leave you wallowing in the mess you've made. You're screwed. Thank you. Bye. He's right. He ain't much on speeches.

Mmm. Hey, Cora. I-I heard science is workin' on a doughnut... that actually burns off calories. Uh, how's that goin'? What? Ah, never mind. Just refill this with jelly, will ya? Thanks. You're an angel. What?

So repeat after me: If I withhold the truth, may I go straight to hell, where I will eat naught but burning-hot coals... and drink naught but burning-hot cola.

"Helms calls for doughnut tax." There. Done and done.

You've got more talent than any dancer I've ever seen, and you're throwing it all away! Screw you! Screw everybody!

Ooh! Ooh! I'll give you five dollars for the box. Sold! Don't do it, lady! That stuff's worth thousands! Yeah! He's ripping you off! Well, if this is valuable, then back to the leaky basement it goes! Hmph! Smile, please.

All aboard for Shelbyville, Badwater Cattle Skull Testing Grounds, and Rancho Relaxo. Good-bye, Homie. Good-bye? Where's my clean underwear? Check the dryer. How often should I change Maggie? Whenever she needs it. Marge, how do I use the pressure cooker?

Don't worry, boy. We're gonna set you straight. By tomorrow morning, you'll be a regular Burt Reynolds. What are you talking about, Homer? Where are we going? just a couple of good old-fashioned manly places, father and son.

"Ah, so. Ah, so. Me like the fried rice.

But there's hundreds of unsolved murders in New York City. You don't know when to keep your mouth shut do you, Saxy boy?

Well, if Freddy Quimby didn't do it, I'm sure he'll be found innocent by a fair and impartial jury. Oh, jury duty! I'll see that Quimby kid hang for this! I knew it was a bad idea to watch him open the mail. Let's go over to the county courthouse live to Kent Brockman.

This just in. I'm pissed off.

Good luck, Dad.

There's a line in Othello about a drinker. "Now a sensible man, by and by a fool, and presently a beast." That pretty well covers it.

(TRUMPETING) Well, I'm proud of you, Homie. You set out to fight an animal, and you ended up saving its life. What can I say? I love nature.

SeÑor plow no es macho eS solamente un borracho Yeah, you do that. Well, I guess you can plow my driveway. But I wonder what happened to the Plow King. Well, I guess he just doesn't respect his customers. Oh, could you make sure not to scrape my asphalt.

I'm surprised he doesn't try to blame his problems on his Percodan addiction. It wasn't my fault. It was the Percodan. If you ask me, that stuff rots your brain. And now, a word from our new sponsor. Percodan? Aw, crap! Bart, are you ready for your history test?

Just lying here on my coffee table. Uh, Smithers, why don't we leave the room, and hopefully, when we return, the pile of money will be gone. Oh ! Look, Smithers, the money and the very stupid man are still here.

Well, john Q. Driveway has our number. Now we play the waiting game. Ah, the waiting game sucks. Let's play Hungry Hungry Hippos.

Homer, that was a 20. Da..!

Here's your future!

All I have to do is follow the yellow drip road. There's our secret meeting place. - Yes. Let's go inside. - Sounds good.

It should get you pretty darned hammered.

You know, it's too bad. We've had that dog as long as I can remember. - What dog? - Who the hell are you?

opening day at the world's first two-story Outhouse. Oh, God! Stop!

Can we have sex? Please? - Oh, Abe! - Well, I tried. What's for supper?

We were trapped in the house all afternoon. And, well, we had to drink toilet water. Well, things were bad everywhere. I'm sick of these constant bear attacks. It's like a freakin' Country Bear jamboroo around here! Well, now, realistically, Homer, I've lived here some 30-odd years.

Aha! Left-handed nunchukas. Wow! The boys at the Diners Club will think I've gone quite mad. Oh, I'll have that roadster as well. Yes, sir. Huzzah for the shopkeep. Huzzah!

I guess you might say he's barking up the wrong Bush. There it is, Homer. The cleverest thing you'll ever say, and nobody heard it. D'oh!

God boy couldn't get a strike! It's me. Ned.

I would be proud if one of the eggs I sold turned out like you.

but I could really use some of that good stuff now. I'm... afraid. I'm afraid some weirdo's got my soul, and I don't know what they're doing to it. I just want it back. Please? I hope you can hear this.

You've read about Vital organs They are what we're dressed in The family dog is eyeing Bart's intestine Happy Halloween

Well, maybe you can put them on your doll. just kidding, Lise.

Yeah. It's perfect for getting through the fans to your limousine. Ow! Yo! Dudes, we gotta go. Our clothes are getting a little out-of-date. To the Bandana Republic! Word! Now we gotta send them a basket.

Suckers. Shark boy!

Right in the butt. That was great.

You're the greatest.

Good morning, son.

Our foreign exchange student Uter has chosen Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. I-- But this is just an empty box. I begged you to look at mine first. I begged you.

Come on! All right. That's a good point.

Ew! You like The Monkees? You know they don't write their own songs. They do so! They don't even play their own instruments. No! No! That's not even Michael Nesmith's real hat.

That's good enough for me!

You'd be surprised how much you hear if you just listen once in a while. Really? Let's try it. Hello? Yeah. I'd like to arrange, uh, for an escort, please. To where? How about Orgasmville? You-- Hello? Hello! Oh. Hey. How you doing?

Thanks for not killing me, Homie. Here's an extra pork chop. (LAUGHING) I'm gonna not kill you every week. (ALL LAUGHING)

must actively engage in the sport of hunting." Which I'll be doing tomorrow morning, smart guy! Hunting? Dad, no! Lemons. It's not fair, Dad. Why should an animal die just because you and Moe are fighting?

Hello, jerry? Homer Simpson. Remember last month when I paid back that loan? Well, now I need you to do a favor for me.

Hurry, Mr. Rooney. We've got a disenchanted little girl in a jell-O Pudding commercial. I could play that.

Uh, help me out of the booth, boys.

Belly button moving from... innie to... outie! Ooh, that looks scrumdiddly-doodly-duddley-- Get lost! A rude Frenchman? Well, I never!

Mmm, this dessert is exquisite. What do you call it? - Applesauce. - Of course. I'm sorry, I don't get out to restaurants much. That's okay. I don't entertain much. Usually, it's just soup for one, salad for one, wine for three. You know, I always thought...

So thirsty. Eh, what are you gonna do?

One of them's playing my saxophone. Oh, no. The spit valve! Release the spit valve! Over the sink! Over the sink!

Oooh, waffle runoff.

There never was a Mrs. Bellamy. Only me, Carmen Electra. I knew it! And I'm some actor they hired.

So you've got to think of a way I can come home for free. Hmm. You could travel for free if you were a stewardess. Well, how badly do you want to get home? All right, all right. How about a courier? They travel for free too. No, that's a terrier. They're dogs.

You all seem to be forgetting that I am Seymour Skinner. This is where I belong. You can't ask me to disappear because you like some other guy better. i gave half my life for you people. Aren't I entitled to a little dignity? You're, uh-- You're right, Sergeant.

There's no such thing as a soul! Fine.

Aw, close the damn thing down. No one's ever gonna come. Huh? Give me 700 Krusty Burgers! You want fries with that? You did it, Dad! You saved us! I'm proud you're my father. Go away. Eating.

Gotta find a way to change Marge back... and replace the M&M's I took from the minibar. Hey, Homer! Flanders? Oh, a perfect vacation ruined. Hate to be a needy Neddie, but could you do me a favor? Mmm. Milk mel

Oh, Lord, what should I do? Keep Gaming. What? It means gambling. Keep gambling. Oh. Right-eo.

Huh? Look at Burns's suit! Yeesh! What? Oh! Oh. I had an idea, Chief. Why don't we check out that suit Burns was wearing when he got shot? Did you have the same backwards-talking dream with the flaming cards? I'll drive.

You don't have the intelligence to rig an election by yourself, do you? You were just Barlow's lackey! You were Ronnie to his Nancy! Sonny to his Cher! Ringo to his rest of the Beatles! Enough! Lies, lies, lies!

I havent slept in seven days. And I’ve gotten so much ironing done. "Live from New York, it's Saturday night!" J; Dad, this lack of sleep is making Mom and Maggie crazy. Dont you think you’re overreacting, talking gum-ball machine?

You wet your pants!

Um... I think I'd like to go home. If you stay, you can have anything you want to eat, even some sort of gelatin dish. It's made from hooves, you know.

And that's how, with a few minor adjustments, you can turn a regular gun into five guns.

Well, it was like that when I got here. It really was! A Mounds bar is not a sprinkle. A Twizzler is not a sprinkle. A jolly Rancher is not a sprinkle, sir. Perhaps in Shangri-la they are, but not here. Oh. Thank you. Come again.

Ah, this show ain't no good. Hee-yah!

Okay, Dad. They've got our flag guarded pretty good. I agree. Let's surrender. No. Wait. I have a plan. But I'll need your underpants. Hmm. All right. But don't lose 'em. They're my only pair. I got it! I got the flag!

Worst voicing ever. Finally, a real celebrity.

This was a really nice night, Homer. Yeah, yeah. What's wrong? Oh, yeah, like you don't know. - We're gonna have sex. - Oh. Well, we don't have to. Yes, we do. The cookie told me so.

Then get married. What the hell do you want from me? Yes, that is right, Mother. I already got married. Why did not I bother to tell you? Well, uh, the reason is, um-- Oh. Well, I guess I-- I didn't think you'd understand.

How was jerk practice, boy? Did they teach you how to sing to trees... and build crappy furniture out of useless wooden logs? Huh? D'oh! Stupid poetic justice!

i hear that, dudes! You too, Gracie music dude! Guh!

There he is! There's the man that sexually harassed me!

I'm tellin' you it's mighty nice Each trip's a trip to paradise With my baby On board Gentlemen, you've just recorded your first number one.

Hey, you want to split this? Wow. It's been so long since I've been with someone who doesn't know what a selfish pig I am. Mine. Move your hand. I get this.

I got a date with Billie Holiday. Shh!

Stop! This has gone on just long enough! Nobody carjacked me. I tried to pull a con and got conned myself. And then I lied to you all. So did Bart.

Why did you think a big balloon would stop people? Shut up! That's why. Oh! What a horrible four months. Now to warn everybody!

- Let's play bingo. - Yeah! Let's play bingo. You sunk my battleship.

Aren't you coming, Ed? I prefer a vehicle that doesn't hurt Mother Earth. It's a go-cart powered by my own sense of self-satisfaction.

for your beloved MacGyver. Oh, hey, you're right.

This is great! And all I've done is enter my name-- Thrillhouse! Say, cool dude, can I play too?

But the fact is I was napping, and so gently you came rapping, and so faintly you came tapping, tapping at my chamber door, that I scarce was sure I heard you.

Oh, Bart. Cartoons don't have to be 100% realistic.

I explicitly forbade Bart from playing with that little monster. Oh, Bart is in deep, deep trouble. Oh, yes, and punish Lisa for lying to us.

N - Hello, campers! - How you doin"? Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. ts Mick Jagger and Keith Richards! Welcome to Rock n’ Roll Fantasy Camp... where youll experience the complete rock-and-roll lifestyle.

Well, Seymour, I made it-- despite your directions. Ah. Superintendent Chalmers. Welcome. I hope you're prepared for an unforgettable luncheon. Yeah.

Huckleberry Finn and Thomas Sawyer. Now for the traditional lowering of the bodies into the coffins.

I dont think this was a great place to bring the children. - It still beats Disney's California Adventure. - Mm-hmm. - Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. - Oh, yeah, that's true.

Um, there's something I've been meaning to ask you. Did you put on a little weight this week? I was going to surprise you, but what the heck. Honey, I'm purposely gaining 61 pounds to get on disability. Have you lost your mind? Have you thought about your health or your appearance?

"Ned Flanders, I mock your value system. You also appear foolish in the eyes of others." Well, howdy, Homer. Ooh, thanks for dropping by. Mmm, he's not responding. Proceed to level two-- antagonism.

Hmm. This is an interesting old book. "Molokai desuratsin maladactu... nosferatu assendum corpuralis... diabolicus abominopilous.” Ooh! Mad Libs!

People soiled our green! And now they're out there somewhere, naked as the day God made them! Boy, I'll tell ya. They only come out at night. Or in this case, uh, the daytime. You've got to catch them! Think of the children. Won't somebody please think of the children!

Oh, Spade, why did you put Farley in charge of the bees? Hey, buddy, down in front!

But first-- move over, Baltimore.

Stupid Lisa! Gotta build fast. Cement drying! All right, let's see. Ohh. English side ruined! Must use French instructions! "Le grille"? What the hell is that?

But I still stand by my hiring policies. Get back to work, Stewart!

Wait, wait, wait.

And here's country singing sensation Lurleen Lumpkin, fresh from her latest stay at the Betty Ford Clinic! What ya been up to, Lurleen? I spent last night in a ditch. How about that, folks?

Number one: I'm cutting the cable as soon as the fight's over. And number two: I'm not very fond of any of you. Well, back to the fight. Sit down, boy ! Dad, we may have saved your soul. Tatum is reeling from the champ's exquisite haymaker. Yeah, at the worst possible time.

I never had to call my own company. Someone will tell you upstairs. But, Homer, on your way out, if you wanna kill somebody, it would help me a lot. Hey, Homer, you're missin' out on some fun!

Get outta here! I saw weird stuff in that place last night. Weird, strange, sick, twisted, eerie, godless, evil stuff. And I want in. We don't, uh, know what you're talking about, Homer. And you can't join the Stonecutters because it's too exclusive.

Ha! Take out a sheet of paper. Books under your desks. But I'm supposed to-- I've got-- I'm supposed to-- Oh, Warren, I nearly forgot. All junior Campers are excused to attend their patrol meeting. Um, Mrs. Krabappel, I'd like to stay,

in this beautiful, free country, it just makes me feel that I'm really a lucky guy. Dad! Your hand is jammed in the toaster! What? Get it off! Get it off! Get it off of me!

Yeah, things sure have changed since the '50s. I don't care.

And now I want you to meet your new brother, Hans Moleman. Cowabunga, dudes. Give it a try. It's like kissing a peanut.

Pathetic. I'm pathetic? Because I take money from my 10-year-old son? Well, let me tell you something! I still call the shots around here! Homer, use your inside voice. I don't have an inside voice!

You know, I always thought you'd die before me. Now, as I prepare my soul for an eternity of fire and poking-- Yeah, less chat, more splat, pal!

Is it also the last step? No. The last step is quitting. D'oh! Gee-- Very well. I'm not gonna be Angry Dad for one day longer! I'm giving up anger forever! If you ask me, you should give up fatty foods.

And that was "Kung Fu Fighting." Say, speaking of one-trick ponies, whatever happened to that "I didn't do it" kid? Boy, did that get old fast. Whoa! You know, if you wanna last in this business, you gotta stay fresh.

I'm outta here, and I'm out of this stupid outfit.

Pick up Bart. Pick up Bart. "Pigabar"? What the hell is "pigabar"?

Now what are you gonna do? You cant shoot all of us. Damn it!

It's over there. Ooh.

Tonight on Eye on Springfield, we meet a man who's been hiccupping for 45 years. Kill me. Kill me. But first, we'll examine the growing Itchy and Scratchy mania...

And scuff up the topless dancin' runway? - Nah. You best bring 'em back where from you got 'em. - Okay. Back you go... to waits for a woman of less discriminatin' tastes.

Webster's Dictionary defines excellence as "the quality or condition of being excellent." And now the winner of the first annual Montgomery Burns Award for Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Excellence.

Lousy piece of junk! Hey! I got that for my birthday.

My shtick was lookin' into an exhaust pipe and gettin' a face full of soot. Nobody could do that better than me. Of course, it was kinda hard to think of reasons... for me to look in that exhaust pipe every time, but, you know, we had good writers. William Faulkner can write an exhaust pipe gag that would really make you think.

He's disrespecting us. Shutuppayouface! Shut up your face. What's-a matta, you? You ain't so big. Me and him are gonna whack you in the labonza! Bad grammar overload! Error! Error!

I'm sorry, Uncle Kent. I lost my thesaurus. Thesaurus. You'll lose more than that-- In preparation for the big game, Springfield Stadium has caught additional seating capacity fever. Whoo-hoo. Go, S.U.! A&M is gonna kick your ivy-covered butts. Yeah? Well, you went to a cow college.

I can't tell you how sorry I am, Dad. Is someone talking to me ? I didn't hear anything. Oh, no ! Dad's lost his hearing ! No, you idiot ! I'm ignoring you !

Sorry. Not you, Homer. Why not? But you let in Homer Glumpet. It says "No Homers." We're allowed to have one.

Probably not much of it. Why can't you be a little more supportive? 'Cause I don't care, okay? I can't fake an interest in this, and I'm an expert at faking an interest in your kooky projects. What "kooky projects"? You know, the painting class, the first aid course, the whole Lamaze thing.

Oh, my God! Barney, thank you. I would never have forgiven myself. Now, you stay put, young lady. Oh! Man, that's classic compulsive behavior. Wow! Free beer! Buddy, those are my quarters! Hey, this guy's paying off!

and your father was identified by the old man himself.

She's no hoochie! Her name is Zelda, and she understands me.

Yes, it's the latest craze. Try some, won't you? Go ahead, Ralphie. The stranger is offering you a treat. Mmm. Oh, Daddy! This tastes like Grandma! Holy Moses! It does taste like Grandma! I want more!

That was the first time I ever saw Itchy and Scratchy, and I didn't like it one bit! It was disgusting and violent! I think all you people are despicable! For shame!

I'll just be moving along, Lisa, Snowball II. (EXPLOSION) Okay, I've been studying Frink's robot. And I've discovered he has one small weak spot. This goes here...

Happy birthday ! Huh ? What ? Here's your birthday breakfast. Oh ! Isn't this nice ? My birthday ? It's my birthday ? No ! What did I get ? I love birthdays.

Take that, Bowlarama. Take that, convenience mart. Take that, nuclear power pl-- Oh, fiddlesticks.

Come on, Homer. Do it for your old pal, Moesy. But, Moe, yesterday, you called Homer a worthless sack of-- - Pipe down, rub-a-dub! - Ow.

Hey. Everybody's wearing green. Oh, no. Pinch! Happy St. Patrick's Day, loser! Ow! Quit it! It's the wearin' of the green, Bart! Pinch, pinch, pinch! No one's pinching his legs. Pinch, pinch, pinch, pinch! Oh!

Oh! Hi, kids. How was Duff Gardens? Can't talk. Comin' down. How do you do it, Homer? You take an ordinary bedsheet, fold it around like this-- No. I mean raising kids. I just couldn't cut it today.

You're back with your family now where there's nothing to be afraid of. Except that fog that turns people inside out. Huh? Uh-oh. It's seeping in. Stupid, cheap weather stripping!

How tragic. Tell me more. Gabriella's baby shower will be invaded by terrorists, with sexy results. Ooh, that's unexpected. What else? Well, Sister Bernadette will leave the convent and start a softball team, with sexy results. What's Dad doing on the show?

"Time for a walk." Oh, again? I gotta find out where he's keeping these. I'd take him, but those cards are nontransferable. Help! Help!

It was that golden weekend between summer school and regular school. Hey, Homer, want to smoke some marijuana? They say it's a gateway drug. Hmm-- Well, well. If it isn't the Doobie Brothers. Uh-oh. Crotch the weed, man. Smell any drugs, Sergeant Scraps?

The world's greatest Web site. Hello! Hello! Hello! You'd think all the noises would be annoying, but they're not.

where no one will ever listen to it.

Wasted once more in Daiquiritaville Rip-off! Get off the stage! We need more power! The shield won't hold much longer!

They've got chocolate milk now?

Come on! Fit, you! Huh? Ahh! Yeah, that's one fine-looking barbecue pit. Why doesn't mine look like that? Why? Why?

(WHIMPERING) Is this thing hurting you? Hmm. (CRACKLING) Ahhh! (PANTING)

Come on, Ginger. Let's go back to Vegas.

Well! If it isn't the leader of the wiener patrol... boning up on his nerd lessons.

You lost yourself a customer, Moe!

Yes, indeedy! That was my insulin! Uh-oh, SpaghettiOs! Simpson! Hey, Homer. That character is you all over. Come on, Homer. Act all stupid, like you do on TV.

I am sorry, little girl.

Two hours? Why'd they build this ghost town so far away? Because they discovered Gold right over there. It's because they're stupid. That's why. That's why everybody does everything.

Great! What do you want to play?

Perhaps I've finally found a golfer worthy of a match with Monty Burns, eh? Oh, his waggle is no match for yours, sir. I've never seen you lose a game. Except for that one in '74 when you let Richard Nixon win. That was very kind of you, sir. Oh, he just looked so forlorn, Smithers, with his... "I can't go to prison, Monty. They'll eat me alive!"

I hope you kept the Homie fires burning. - Homer! Homer, wake up! - Huh? What?

Well, yes, I did. Hoo-whee! Whoo! Oh! You know, I never walk out of a movie, but, yuck! I've got an idea, Mr. Simpson. Why don't you get somethin' to eat from our food truck? - Hey! - M-Mr. Simpson?

I'm so happy. I just had to tell someone. I have a boyfriend.

Who are you? Where you going? Oh, do your research, Shutton. Uh, Kent Brockman, Channel Six News.

Stupid lumber. Damn it! D'Oh! I..! Oh, the hell with this! A fellow came in asking for change for a dollar. I gave him three quarters by mistake. Took me the whole afternoon to find him. Todd, would you like mixed vegetables? Hell no. What did you say?

Oh, yeah. Tame it, baby. Yo, ring her up, dude. You cannot smoke in here. Please, the sign is clearly posted, sir. Oh, God. You smokers disgust me.

I'll show you, hair! Ow! Ow! Ow! That's my face, you idiot! Idiot? Why you little-- Don't you-- I'll kill you. Homer Simpson, you're under arrest... for the murders of Moe Szyslak and Apu Nahasa-- pasa--

That's correct, Tom. The lion's share of this flight will be devoted... to she study of the effects of weightlessness on tiny screws. Unbelievable. And just imagine the logistics of weightlessness. Of course, this could have literally millions of applications here on earth... in everything from watchmaking to watch repair.

We're playing, "What's that odor ?" - Dad's feet ? - Bart ! - You win, Bart. - Lisa ! Are we there yet, Dad ? I'll tell you when. Go back to your smell game. Homer, I'm telling you. This is not the interstate. Maps.

- Mau! Didi mau! - Ow! I told you no one can climb a rope. It's physically impossible. What part of didi mau don't you understand? Nelson, put that globe down! Milhouse, stay out of my desk! Jimbo, that's my Princey Award! Quiet, Principal Spinner!

Yeah, Moe, that team sure did suck last night. They just plain sucked. I've seen teams suck before, but they were the suckiest bunch of sucks that ever sucked.

Oh! How much did you see? Uh, nothing incriminating. Good. Well, bye. I don't know why I leave this lying around. I've sold monorails to Brockway, Ogdenville and North Haverbrook.

While your father and Lisa watch the game it might be fun if we went clothes shopping. Mom, I'd love to, but I don't need new clothes. Oh, really?

Oh, right, the gas.

I am scum. Yes, you are scum.

Bingo. The gunman has a name-o. Chief! Chief!

Mr. Simpson, You've been the boy's father for 10 years. Do you really think he could be the leader of a criminal syndicate? Well, not the leader. I mean--

- Make love to me the way you used to. - No. It's that horrible Mr. Burns, isn't it? You leave Mr. Burns out of this! Smithers! Smi-thers!

And what's keeping Joan Rivers alive?

Now, before my partner Teller hits the shark-infested water, I'll need to borrow someone's crossbow. Here! Here! I only need one. Now, to save my partner's life, I'll need complete-- Hello, everybody! Did somebody say "A perfect game"?

Oh. Whoa! Ow! Sorry. The floor's kind of at an angle here. I'm gonna move over there. Okay. From tappa-tappa-tappa. Lisa's bad dancing makes my feet sad. Oh! Let's take five.

Only babies and ex-junkies are afraid of needles. Stick me, Chuckles! (WHIMPERING) Can I have a lollipop? Well, that just leaves Bart. Don't forget Maggie. Oh, I got her when your heads were turned. Got her good! Now, Bart, just look out the window.

Whoa, Marge! You gotta watch out. Your little boy Bart could have been eaten by that pony! Oh, my God! Barney, thank you. I would never have forgiven myself. Now, you stay put, young lady.

People, have your tickets out. Throw your cameras out. Surrender all identification. Ohh! My homemade Kahlua! Generation X may be shallow, but at least they have tolerance and respect for all people.

You dirty bast..! What do you think, Lisa? How's the dog supposed to get in? Well, he just goes... Ohh!

But they stole our lemon tree! I don't care what excuse you've got. Nothing's gonna stop me in the middle of this speech. You're gonna-- Lemon tree?

(CHUCKLING) Don't feel bad, Doc. I won't even let my mom clip my toenails. (LAUGHS MISCHIEVOUSLY) BARNEY: I guess you're just too smart for me, Bart. What? Ha-ha! Huh?

Hi-diddly-ho. I-- Oh! Maude, come quick! The Simpsons are covered with cooties! Help us. We're diseased. Oh, no. That's leprosy. Remember those scary lepers in Ben-Hur? You saw Ben-Hur without me? We were broken up then.

Do we want Old Man Patterson here with his finger on the button? What button? What the hell are you talking about? What-- What button? Where am I? Who took my false teeth? All right. Fine.

What began as a traditional soccer riot... has escalated into a citywide orgy of destruction. Reacting swiftly, Mayor Quimby has declared mob rule. So for the next several years, it's every family for itself!

Mom, you're missing a great show. You don't know what I'm missin'. Mmm! I'd like to visit that Long Island place, if only it were real.

Here comes "two."

What's happening to me? Okay. Retrace your steps. Woke up, fought with Marge, ate Guatemalan insanity peppers. Then I-- Oh. Where am I? Shelbyville?

I fell 8,000 feet onto a pile of jagged rocks. Of course, folks were tougher in those days. I was jitterbugging that very night. But that skunk McAllister was never seen again.

And I know the little fellas would love romping around my many acres, chasing my many cars, drinking from my many toilets.

All right. Better put on a pot of coffee, Marge. This could take a while. aw, sookie, Sookie now Hey Come on

Step right up and bid on items donated by local businesses. Oh, I only got $100. I better bid shrewdly. First up is this video camera. $100. $100.50. Sold. Damn it!

Roofi he will show you how Visa, AMEX or MC Or make out that check to me! Give Daddy the remote, Maggie. Give Daddy the... D'oh! (LAUGHS)

(GROANS) Where's Milhouse? He's got the measles. But we've got him on speaker phone. (DISTORTED) Rock on! You know, the first time I met Bart was at recess in first grade. Oh, I told him to use a land line.

Okay, hotshots, now that my daughter is on your team, I want to make a few things clear. Please, Dad. I'll be fine. I don't want anyone to give her a hard time just because she's different.

Hi. Question for Miss Bellamy. In episode 2F09, when Itchy plays Scratchy's skeleton like a xylophone, he strikes the same rib twice in succession, yet he produces two clearly different tones. I mean, what are we-- to believe that this is some sort of a-- a magic xylophone or something?

Yes, the Simpsons have come a long way... since an old drunk made humans out of his rabbit characters... to pay off his gambling debts. Who knows what adventures they'll have between now... and the time the show becomes unprofitable?

I feel practically super-duper, fragically-- What's this strange sensation in my chest? I think your heart's beating again. Oh, that takes me back. God bless you, Shary Bobbins.

Quiet, youse! Isnt vacation sex always the best? Marge, you were like a wild beast. So voracious and prowly. And I’ve never seen you use your tail like that.

There it is! just like the dead clown promised! Wow. There's Bill Gates, Stephen Hawking, Paul McCartney, Michael jordan, Michelle Kwan. They must be starting a new civilization on Mars with our best and brightest.

All right. Time to throw in the Butterfingers. Hmm. It's not even singed. Even the fire doesn't want them. Sugar-- Need sugar.

Well, you could treat me with a little respect. Oh, shut up, you tub of guts. See? That's what I'm saying.

Mmm, mmm! Bravo, Number Five. But you know what happens to bad little "fishies" who wriggle through the net. Can I turn this off? Absolutely. Hey! Nice to have you back, Homer. The dog thinks so too.

Hey, T-shirt, T-shirt, T-shirt. Fire! Ooh, a bobby pin!

That's right. Hot and heavy.

And someone has eaten the flesh. But whose body is it? And who sent it down that pipe? Now do you believe dead rats float, Lisa? Yes.

I'm Mr. Plow and I'm here to say - I'm the pLowingest Guy in the U.s.a. - I got A big Plow and I move a Lot of things - just like your cow if you havE one - please. Stop it right now. Promise you'll never do that again. All right. Mr. Simpson, I guarantee you...

A Saturn? We used to have a bus. In a way, the '60s ended the day we sold it-- December 31, 1969. Yeah, an old-time freak-out sounds tempting, Homer, but we've got a big order to fill. Fine. I guess the juice business is more important than the ideals...

What up, man? This is my manager/sister Lisa. What up? Everyone here loves Angry Dad. It's just what we've been looking for. So what do you want to do with it? Bart, I'm not a woman, and I can't have babies. But I can give life to animated Internet cartoons.

I hope you're someplace warm. You bet your sweet... ass! I'm afraid our furnace isn't working.

It's just an abandoned prison.

You know what you two need? A little comic strip called Love Is. It's about two naked eight-year-olds who are married.

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Rudy, my man, you're a miracle worker.

Okay, gotta focus, gotta focus. Gotta look at that bird. Gotta focus. Damn it. Why did I pay for a hundred Xeroxes when I only wanted one? Well, I guess someone else will use the other 99. Prank or study?

Marge, I would appreciate it if you didn't tell anybody... about my busy hands, not so much for myself, but I am so respected, it would damage the town to hear it. Good night. Yeah, right.

Hello, children. I bring you love. It's a monster! Kill it! Kill it! It's not a monster. It's Mr. Burns. Oh, it's Mr. Burns. Kill it! Kill it!

What country is this car from? It no longer exists, but take her for a test-drive and you'll agree--

Fifteen seconds to collision. We need a decision. Hmm. What would the captain say in my spot?

I'm a-singin' in the sh-- Yeow! Oww! Hot! Yaah! Cold! Oww! Hot! Cold! Hot!

Oh, my. You're burning up. And your cheeks are so swollen. I think you have the mumps. I'm calling Dr. Hibbert. Marge, the dog is hungry ! Well, then, feed him ! Yes, master ! Doh !

No, this is true. The Coast Guard arrested Boy George... for scraping the barnacles off his dinghy. Hi-yo! Hi-yo!

My daughter Lisa-- I.Q. 156. Hi.

Here's your taco, sir. I don't want it. But this comes out of my salary. If I had a girlfriend, she'd kill me. Okay, Krusty, let's rehearse the balloon bit.

Smithers, who is that lollygagger? Who is that blubber-pot? Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Look out! What? Just a minute.

One, two, tie your shoe Three, four, pick up the floor Five, six... (SCREAMING) Three, four, pick up the floor (SHUDDERS) (BELL RINGING)

Bah ! Too hot ! You're right, sir. It's scalding me as we speak.

A slick, Hollywood picture to gloss over my evil rise to power, like Bugsy or Working Girl. Get me Steven Spielberg! He's unavailable. Then get me his nonunion Mexican equivalent. Listen, SeÑor Spielbergo, I want you to do for me what Spielberg did for Oskar Schindler.

The Simpsons. Ah, them stinkin' liars. Well, there goes Christmas dinner. Oh, head of the line. A family could get used to being shunned, huh? Huh? Hey, look, Sean. It's that family everybody hates.

- Well, I sense greatness in my family. - Your family ? Well, it's a greatness that others can't see, but it's there. And if it's not true greatness we have, we're at least average.

I'll be back. You ain't tasted the last of my spit. Oh, that Moe. But good for you, Mom. Why didn't you follow Chloe into journalism? Well, we both faced a tough decision. Go off to journalism school, or stay in Springfield with our sweethearts?

Gotta study. Gotta study. Gotta study.

This is an outrage! Since when are public figures fair game for satire? Your goons did run her off the road, sir. I can't be held responsible for what my goons were ordered to do! Perhaps there's a non-violent way to silence this girl? Non-violence never solved anything.

Introducing Ling Bouvier! (GASPS) Selma, she's beautiful. (GURGLING) This is Homer, your daddy. Without him, I wouldn't have you. (LAUGHING) Aw. She likes my eyes. Ow.

Okay, i hear that. i hear that, dudes! You too, Gracie music dude! Guh!

There's only one family on this block-- no, on earth-- inconsiderate enough... to let a monster like that roam free ! Doh ! Are you losing your hearing, or are you just stupid ? I am going to explain this to you one more time, and then I'm going to hang up on you.

He never-- That's a woman? Dear Lord! Well, I guess... most of what I said can be salvaged. Take a seat, bozo. And that eulogy better not show up on the bill.

Dad, you didn't even say "ouch." Oh, sorry. Ouch. Lisa. Lisa, I think you're right about Dad. - Something's very, very wrong here. - Frightened, Bart ? Welcome to stage three, fear. We gotta do something, man. Sorry, Bart. I'd love to help you, but I'm mired in stage five, self-pity.

Cold-hearted Homer, ditching his wife, while ancient Ned runs for his life. Chips of red and blue and white, but we decide which-- Can the poems. It's ass-whooping time. I want fatty.

It's no use, Captain. He's showin' visions of me future. God, I'm so fat! I said fire!

And Helen Lovejoy-- Sure, she looks blonde, but I've heard cuffs and collar don't match, if you get my drift.

Now we'll begin by-- Oops. Ah, did you see that jerk? Dropped his notes!

A noble spirit "embiggens" the smallest man.

i can't hear you!

For all their disposable income, for all their leisure time, they had no immunity against God's lowliest creatures, children. Looks like everything's back the way it was which is the only way it should ever be. Great. Let's dump these kids in an R-rated movie while we go someplace nice.

But Mr. McClure, what is D.N.A.? What the-- Oh, hi, Billy. Let's find out together. D.N.A. is God's recipe for making you. You take a dash of Dad, a pinch of Mom,

Maybe the drawings were a little crude, but all the characters were there. Itchy and Scratchy, Grampa Simpson... and Krusty the Clown.

I think I won, Mr. Burns. Yes, you won, all right. - You won more than you bargained for. - Whoo-hoo! What a disgraceful display! I've seen more orderly behavior in a Ritz Brothers film. You all need a serious lesson in teamwork. Maybe he does, but I don't.

Good night, Barney. Don't forget to bring back my car back tomorrow. just slide it under the door. Yes. Tomorrow.

I mean, it sounds so made-up. "Yom Kip Pur."

We found this one swimming naked in the Fermentarium. I am the Lizard Queen! Give her this... and this...

Do you want to change your name to Homer junior? The kids can call you Hoju. I'll get back to you. Come on! Keep it comin'! Over. Over. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Hi, Homer! Oh, I hate that sound.

It's small and it's smelly, but it should carry both of us to-- Whoo-hoo! That-That's the third time that's happened!

Ah! Now I've said it! (CRACKLING) Ohhh! This is cool! Macbeth! Macbeth! Macbeth!

Lisa, no! Your hands are too weak. Stop that.

I'm so sick of names! (BOTH GRUNTING) CHLOE: Oh! My hair! Ladies, (CHUCKLE) there's no need to fight over me. No one's fighting over you! Oh. Well, then carry on.

Guess what. For a dollar, a man sold me 35 Caspers and a dozen Lois Lanes. Ooh. I never knew what Superman saw in her. Give me Wonder Woman. And that golden lariat.

Better luck next time.

Hmm? Oh. You stole my bit! YOu-- That's my bit, you-- Oh, you stole my bit! Cut! Oh, my God! He's killed the original Alfalfa!

Apple... apple... apple...

We have to get out of here! It was people! People soiled our green!

The Simpsons D'oh!

- Simpson! - S h h _

not so much for myself, but I am so respected, it would damage the town to hear it. - Good night. - Yeah, right. Shut up. I'm over as far as I can go.

We gotta get out of this, Ned. Well, do something. This is all your fault-- You and your stupid program. Blame me if you must, but don't ever speak ill of the program. The program is rock solid. The program is sound.

who wants to guess how I got the money? Dealing drugs? Drugs? I'll have to say drugs too.

Happy, happy, new year!

Hey, Einstein. What's a million plus a million? Two million. So?

- Why, you little-- - Uh-oh. What's going on out there ? I think Bart's stupid again, Mom. Oh, well.

This is great. I can finally look like I want... and not get hassled by the man. Cowabunga! Skateboards? You copycat wannabes. Ow! Eat my shorts, young man.

I'd have called them chazwazzers!

No. Candy! Sweet, sweet candy! I want candy But don't you want to end world famine? I want candy Or save the endangered Alaskan salmon.

Maybe we should move to a larger community. D-oh ! Don't have a cow, Dad. The sad truth is, all families are like us. You think so, huh ? Well, there's only one way to find out. Follow me.

Fans reacted to these... slapdash episodes with yawns. Angry yawns.

Seymour! Mother. Superintendent Chalmers! Skinner!

Look, my stomach really hurts. All I can give you are these chewable Prozac for kids. Your choice-- Manic-depressive Mouse or the Bluebird of Unhappiness.

No, it's true. You know, when I was a boy, I really wanted a catcher's mitt, but my dad wouldn't get it for me. So I held my breath until I passed out and banged my head on the coffee table. The doctor thought I might have brain damage. Dad, what's the point of this story? I like stories. Can I please go to the movie?

Ooh, baby ! So what you're saying is, there's a downside to the afterlife. How does one steer clear of this abode of the damned ? By obeying the Ten Commandments. Ten simple rules that are easy to live by.

- I'm breaking curfew, Mom! - We're out of Skoal!

Now, kids, I know you loved the old Poochie, but the new one's gonna be better than 10 Super Bowls!

- (SCREAMS) - (BARKS) (SCREAMS) Be careful! (SCREECHING) (SCREAMS) (GRUNTS)

Nice doggie. "Ivanhoe is the story of a Russian farmer and his tool." Wolf! Wolf! Wolf!

Lenny, are you watching this? - Yeah. They really hurt that guy's feelings. - I know! Ready for the circus, Homer? Circus? The Cirque de Purée. We've had tickets since Septembre. But I want to watch Brett Favre! Come on, Homer. They're only in town for eight months.

Yeah. We borrowed 'em for the radio. BOTH: Skyrockets in flight, afternoon delight Rub-a-dub-dub, I'm washing the flub (ROARING) Oh, my God! Lenny! Carl! Bart! ALL: Rubbing sticks and stones together

Mr. Mayor, is it true you rigged the election? No, I did not.

Stop him! He's supposed to die! - Nice work, Homer! Am I proud of you! - Well-- When you go home tonight, there's gonna be another story on your house.

Cloud goes up. Cloud goes down. Cloud goes up. Cloud goes down. Bed goes up. Bed goes down.

Ahh! Yeah! That's one fine-looking barbecue pit. Why doesn't mine look like that?

Uh, the things?

Why not ? I paid for it.

Is this thing on? No. Sorry, Moe. And now, without further Apu. I have been zinged and I love it. The last angry clown, the man who spews truth from every orifice,

Ohhh! Now, calm down, Neddilly-diddilly-diddilly- diddilly-diddilly. They did their best. Shodilly-idilly- iddilly-diddilly. Gotta be nice. Hostility- diddilly-diddilly-diddilly-- Aw, hell! Diddily-ding-dong crap! Can't you morons do anything right?

I think I know that guy. He ran over the dean five years ago. Punch up that picture.

Need sugar. Aye. They're not riding the white horse anymore. My baby. Where's my baby? Nothing left. Nothing left. Ooh, a sticky spot.

Oh, I'm all out. Here. Try one of my cigars. Mmm. My God! It's like five cigarettes at once!

Eh, lousy speed bumps. Ooh! Whoa! Hey! Oh, this coffee's too hot!

Kids, would you step outside for a second? F-- Dear Lord! That's the loudest profanity I've ever heard.

Give us the film! Never!

Geez, Louise. Look at this mess. I told that boy a billion times to pick up his jun-- I like to play with you. My back. I like to play with you. There goes my back again. I like to play with you.

Hmm. Mmm. Mmm. Stop, Homer!

You couldn't fool your mother on the foolingest day of your life... if you had an electrified fooling machine.

Great, Marge. I want to hear all about it. Give me those! And those. And those.

Do you promise not to revive your "weckless," "weckless" ways? I don't know. The demolition derby is next month. Please, Homie. No more craziness. For me? Well, okay. For you I'll be as dull as Dilbert.

Now, I've gotten word that a child is using his imagination, and I've come to put a stop to it.

Mmm. Whoo! One-eyed, two-timing-- I'm gonna-- Oh, yeah? Well-- hyperbolic paraboloid-- your mama.

My whole class is here. They're going to observe the human peep show... that is our lives. Apparently, that disturbing odor was the food.

(BRAKES SCREECHING) (ALSO SPRACH ZARATHUSTRA PLAYING)

Can we put him in more of a hip-hop context? Forget context. He's gotta be a surfer. Give me a nice schmear of surfer.

Homer, it's really coming down! Could you check on the boys? They're fine. And no matter what happens, I'll never forget the advice you gave me. Now come on, you're gonna learn how to shave.

Might as well close the dump. I am gonna drink you under the table. No. I am going to drink you under the--

He's in show business. He's a celebrity. Let's roll, boys.

Huh? Donuts. Is there anything they can't do?

Pathetic. I'm pathetic? Because I take money from my 10-year-old son? Well, let me tell you something! I still call the shots around here! Homer, use your inside voice. I don't have an inside voice!

country-western manager, garbage commissioner, mountain climber, farmer, inventor, Smithers, Poochie, celebrity assistant, power plant worker, fortune cookie writer, beer baron, Kwik-E-Mart clerk, homophobe and missionary. But protecting Springfield, that gives me the best feeling of all. If you like protecting people, you can make that your job.

I guess this makes us yuppies, huh, Homie? Nah. I'm really more of a slacker. Ooh! Malaria Zone!

It's "craptacular."

Yo, dudes, awesome show! It's N'Sync! Word!

Noah, thou shalt build'st thyself an ark... measuring 300 cubits in length.

Mrs. Simpson, can Homer come out and play? No, Homer won't be able to play for a long time. Would you make me some Jell-O? You shoo, Barney Gumble. Well, I can still hang out with you guys. Sorry. I got a baseball game in 15 minutes.

so I'll just place it lovingly on your forehead. Hey, look. They got food at this thing. Here's one for the road, dude.

They'll make a pizza pie with a topping of your choice. Hey, Seymour! You want your usual table? No, no, Luigi. I'd like one with two seats. I'll be dining with a friend tonight. Hey, good for you, huh? Hmm. They treat you real nice here.

Why didn't you get something useful, like storm windows? Or a nice pipe organ?

Nice work, Brenda. I'll take it from here. No way. This is my collar. Too bad real women don't come with these, huh? You got that right. Quiet, you! That counts as your phone call.

No, this is true. The Coast Guard arrested Boy George... for scraping the barnacles off his dinghy. Hi-yo! Hi-yo! Got your nose.

Mmm! Free goo. Hey! Don't bogart that Squishy! I don't know where you magic pixies came from, but I like your pixie drink.

Hey, Homer. Why don't you just nibble her elbow? That always melts her butter, right? Heh, heh, heh. All right. Okay. Everybody out! Ooh, she's gotta have it. Get out! Get out! Get out! Get out! Get out-Out-Out-Out-Out-out-out!

Come on! Leave town! No. - I'll be your friend. - No. Oh, you're mean.

Now remember, criminals prey on small-town folk like us.

Baby to Marge. Baby to Marge. Wah! Wah! Over. I don't know how we can afford these things on your salary. Hey, why don't I apply at the nuclear power plant? I hear they pay pretty well. I heard radiation can make you sterile. Now you tell me.

Aw, crap! Somebody had to take the babysitter home. Then I noticed she was sitting on-- her sweet can. I grab her-- sweet can. Oh, just thinking about-- her can. I just wish I-- sweet-- sweet-- s-s-sweet can. So, Mr. Simpson, you admit you grabbed her can. What do you have to say in your defense?

Boys, knock it off. Bart, I figured it out. Who's someone you've been making irritating phone calls to for years? Linda Lavin?

This shrimp isn't frozen, and it smells funny. - Okay. Ten pounds. - Whoo-hoo! Brought to you by--

That's my boy ! Everything on Santa's Little Helper. Three cheers for Brainy ! Hip hip hooray ! Yay ! Unadulterated pap.

I leave my grandfather clock and these words: Don't die lonely like me. Raise a family, and do it now. Now! Now! Now! Hey, a grandfather clock. Not bad.

You have my undivided attention.

Well, you gotta spend money to make money, Lou. Mm-hmm.

Now don't you worry, Mrs. Simpson. I-- Uh-oh. We've drawn judge Snyder. Is that bad? Well, he's had it in for me ever since I kinda ran over his dog. You did? Well, replace the word "kinda" with the word "repeatedly"... and the word "dog" with "son."

We have our own suggestions for the new nanny. Would you like to hear them? You have my undivided attention.

"And yet I feel a great sadness... in my bosom." "BOsom." Wait. Wait, there's more. I think that's terrible. A man opens his heart and you make fun of him.

Coming through. Challenge. Duel. Hi, Lenny. How dare you? Demand satisfaction. "Suh," your challenge is accepted. Huh? I agree to the duel, "suh." I choose pistols at dawn. Pistols at dawn? Oh, why did I have to slap a guy who says "suh"? You'll need a will and a headstone. Aisle six.

Disco Shrew can still boogaloo.

I'm here because I said imported wines are better than Napa Valley! Yeah? Well, why don't you take a "napa"? (GRUNTS) My only crime was driving a truck full of explosives in from Canada. Oh... I don't know why they put the real ones in with the joke ones. (LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)

When I first met your father,

Oooh, I've wasted my life. You call that prime rib? Yuck.

- Spit on this for me, Smithers. - One "hawker" coming up, sir. What a lame-o ! I think I can actually hear the air being torn, sir. Oh, shut up ! Hey, Burns ! Hey, rag arm !

If you'll look to the left side of the aircraft, you'll see Homer and Marge "Sampson," who are celebrating with us today their 11th air-niversary. So hang on, while we dip our wings... to this happy couple.

Sarge, we keep getting orders to let the virus win. Must be a school day. Lay down your arms. All right! Let's make some pus.

I don't want it.

Take that and that and-- Oh! I'm paralyzed. I just hope medical science can cure me.

Boy, you hate lotus flowers too. Don't get me started on lotus flowers. No. No, it is the sign that it is time for my arranged marriage. Oh, well, congratulations. No, no, no. Don't you know what it means?

Don't mind if I do! Stay away from me, Homer!

You're welcome.

In grade number two closed-captioned by captions, inc. Los angeles

I would really like to thank you nerds for helping me out. Oh, and could you stop calling us nerds? Dweeb, wonk, spaz, it's all good.

In fact, to pay for the construction... and operation and demolition of our new derrick, the school will have to eliminate all nonessential programs: music-- What? and maintenance. I'll kill that Mr. Burns! And wound that Mr. Smithers. Out of my way!

Look, nobody likes a crybaby, okay? You just splash him back.

Good lord! He'll be sucked into the turbine. Smithers, who was that corpse? Homer Simpson, sir. One of the finest, bravest men ever to grace Sector 7g.

Lousy, manipulative dog. Uh, Mr. Burns I need to borrow money. Please, do go on. I know you're a good man and I have a dog that's very sick. Oh, please, continue. I thought maybe you-- Oh.

Never mind. Looks like the Flanders are gonna get those seats anyway. Oh, so Flanders thinks he can steal our vacation, huh? Come on! Whoo! Sayonara, suckers.

Would everyone who is 60 or older please stand up? Over 80. Ninety. One hundred years old? Homer, sit down! What's that, sonny?

Hark to the tale of Nelson and the boy he loved so dear They remained the best of friends for years and years and years What are they saying?

Geez. I don't remember this much bad blood when I was a Cavalry Kid. I was a Pre-Teen Brave. Ow! I sang at your wedding. Yeah-- "The Best is Yet to Come." Real original.

Yeah, all right. Listen up, guys. The Springfield Police have told me that 91% of all traffic accidents... are caused by you six guys. I knew we could do it! Yeah, I know. I know. But the bad news is... we gotta start havin' designated drivers. Are you kidding me?

(INCOHERENT BABBLING) I ran outside just as a circus was rolling into town. (CYMBALS PLAYING) (INCOHERENT BABBLING) (LAUGHING)

You saved us, Homer. Mr. Moe? Prepare to surface.

I'll have a brain burger with extra pus, please. Bart! Eyeball stew. Homer, we just got here, and already I'm mortified beyond belief by your embarrassing behavior.

Fooling these Earth voters is easier than expected. Yes. All they want to hear are bland pleasantries... embellished by an occasional saxophone solo or infant kiss.

Arr! I hate the sea and everything in it. Bye, buh-bye, buh-bye. Thank you for choosing our church. Buh-bye. I've never felt this way about a girl before. My long search is finally over.

Don't worry, son. You'll be fine. This boy's appendix is inflamed and about to burst, which will make it easier to find once I get in there.

Call Mr. Plow that's my name that name again is Mr. Plow

So the good news is church revenues are up 1073%. And when will the church see any of this money? When hell freezes over, suckers!

How can a hamster write mysteries?

Quite so, mum. I recall one of the dinosaurs had a bite. And, well, that was the last of-- Egad!

Well, howdy, ma'am. I represent the tobacco lobby. And frankly, no politics gets done in this country without a little help from us. (MARGE GASPS IN SURPRISE) Now we own you! But I haven't endorsed it yet!

so I called my friend, Sting. He said, "When do you need me?" I said, "Thursday." He said, "I'm busy." I said, "Friday?" He said, "Friday's worse." Then he said, "How about Saturday?" I said, "Fine." True story. Yeah. I used to open for Krusty in '69.

Oh, you have got to be kidding, sir. First you think of an idea that has already been done. Then you give it a title that nobody could possibly like. Didn't you think this through? ...on the best-seller list for 18 months!

At first I thought we could talk it over like civilized people, but instead I just ripped the head off Mr. Honey Bunny. Bart, that was your cherished childhood toy. Mr. Honey Bunny!

Mmm! Delicious! Now, Krusty, I hear it's your birthday, so I got your mother's recipe for matzoh brei. Hey, I don't do the jewish stuff on the air. But, Hershel, bubbeleh-- Ix-nay on the ew-jay. Roll the cartoon.

Ow! Ow! Ooh! I'll mace you good!

Hello, alternative to testing. Well, it's Bart Simpson. Come on in. You're just in time for Sponge-bath the Old Folks Day. Help yourself, but stay above the equator.

Ah, heck. Now, where am I gonna get a Danish? Here's a Danish, Krusty. Gimme, gimme, gimme! Now, that's Danish. Where'd you get it? I stole it from Kent Brockman. Great! Uh, he didn't touch it, did he? No.

I'm telling you, I could nay have shot Burns. This is your last warning about that. It's impossible for me to fire a pistol. If you'll check my medical records, you'll see I have a crippling arthritis in me index fingers.

I come to deliver a terrifying message of hope. Grab your guns and follow mel - Yeah! - All right!

I can't believe I destroyed the Earth. Are you still talking about the Earth? You're right. I gotta let it go.

Cheese! Good morning, Agent Johnson. The film you are about to see--

Yeah, tell me about it. I got some yuppie jerk-off headed right for me, yakkin' away on his cell phone. Huh! I hear that. I got some big shot barreling down on me. Hey! Who are you talkin' to, your boyfriend? Hey, jackass! Your voice sounds familiar!

Tom jones? Yes? I was wondering if you'd be interested in performing at a private party. Sorry, mate. I don't do private parties. Well, then, perhaps you should look in this suitcase. All right, but I don't see-- Pleasant dreams, Mr. Jones.

Oh, boy! Buffalo testicles!

(CROWD CHEERING)

Yuh-huh. That's the deal. No more exercise program. No more traffic. No more blood drives or charity walks. Dad, I know we don't do a lot together, but helping you gain 61 pounds is something I want to be a part of. Dad! I must protest. You're abusing a program... intended to help the unfortunate.

All right! The museum's still open. Why don't you like Edison that much? Hey, folks. Do you like riddles? Okay, then. How many geniuses does it take to invent a lightbulb?

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Oh, here he comes. What is it now, Quimby? Nothing. Nothing. Only the, uh, city has just passed... another tax on puffy directing pants. But I don't wear puffy pants! I meant a, uh, tax on not wearing puffy pants. Oy! I'm sorry.

I found a dollar while I was waiting for the bus. While you were out earning that dollar, you lost $40 by not going to work. The plant called and said if you don't come in tomorrow, don't bother coming in Monday. Whoo-hoo! Four-day weekend!

But this comes out of my salary. If I had a girlfriend, she'd kill me.

But first, I regret to say I see a youngster who looks troubled. What's your name, young man ? Bart Simpson, sir. Hmm. Well, perhaps we can shed some light... on your problem in a new segment exploring preadolescent turmoil. I call it "Choices." I don't think so, sir. Bart, I'm reaching out to you.

This is the stupidest thing I've ever seen. I can't believe we blew 2,000 bucks on it when right now rollers could be kneading my buttocks. Could you stop thinking about your ass? I try, but I can't.

Robots be right back. Whoo!

Bart, do you want to see my new chainsaw and hockey mask? Oh, sorry. What am I thinking?

We met just three hours ago. You stink ! You and your whole lousy operation stinks ! I quit ! Oh, uh-- Gee, don't quit. All right then. Could you... give me a... handful of peanuts,

I'd like to open with my impression of... Principal Skinner. Duh, look at me. I'm Principal Skinner.

Go ahead. Try to find a replacement. Aah! A powerful tidal wave in Kuala Lumpur has killed 120 people. ¡Ay, chihuahua! Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Yeah, I'll fetch ya a ride, little missy. Hop on in. Mind the skunk. Them things can go off even after they's dead.

You're such a psycho! Mama's boy! Future skank! Family guy! Well, well, well, if it isn't Punch 'n' Juvie.

- Bart, what are you doing ? - Uh-oh ! - Aah ! - Aah ! Why, you little-- Uh-oh ! Now I got ya ! Aah ! Aah ! Boy must die ! I love you, Dad ! Doh ! Dirty trick.

(BUZZING) Your kid sucks! Bring it on! ANNOUNCER: Hockey Dads. Commence fighting! Hockey Dad rules! Feel the drunken wrath of Chuck Shadowski!

(CLICK) People, Springfield is in crisis. Fingers have been shoved up noses, pants have been pulled down, and Mayors have been repeatedly humiliated. Damn it! (ALL TALKING INDISTINCTLY) I thought our mysterious pranksters might be here tonight.

As long as you have absolutely no follow-up questions-- Yes. Yes, we are. Fully. We have to go now.

There's Surly and Remorseful!

Aye. And all those opposed... to horsewhipping Homer Simpson? Nay. And now, all in favor... of reinstating Ray Patterson? Yea!

Krusty wants out! No. The world needs laughter. Are we gonna die, son? Yeah.

Howdy, partner. Four score and seven blocks ago, my-- Aah! Aah! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Whee!

Oh, a sarcasm detector. That's a real useful invention.

The books! Oh, answers! Answers! Simpson, you've just saved this school $120. Who's behind this monstrous crime?

Give me your hands, boss. I'll kill you! I killed them other people. I'm gonna kill you too! You want some corn bread, Mr. Jingles? Well, you can forget it. Because I'm gonna kill you!

Good. The boy! This isn't fair!

Homer, did you barricade the door? Why? Oh, the zombies. No. Spare my family. Take me. Take me. Hmm? Brains! Brains! Brains! Brains!

They're having a party. jimmy Carter's passed out on the couch. Wow! I'll be right there. Barney, I'd like to put a Spanish version of your jingle on my next album. SeÑor plow no es macho eS solamente un borracho Yeah, you do that.

That's the joke. You suck, McBain! Now, my Woody Allen impression. I'm a neurotic nerd who likes to sleep with little girls. Hey, that really sucked!

Where's your messiah now?

This year's tree is just perfect. That old aluminium one was so fake. I couldn't agree more. From now on, it's plastic all the way.

is made from hops and grains?" How about ancient hop grain juice? Beer! Beer! Beer! Wait, wait, wait. Homer's trying to make a guess. Beer, beer, beer! What are you doing? You're getting some kind of booze all over me.

first you get the sugar, then you get the power, then you get the women.

Dioxy-ribo-diamondoid? Close but no cigar. Just plain diamonds! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! We finally have something to put in the wall safe. Hostess Twinkies?

Troy, Mac Parker. Ever hear of Planet of the Apes? Uh, the movie or the planet? The brand-new, multi-million-dollar musical! And you are starring... as the human. It's the part I was born to play, baby!

Okay. For you, McGarnigal. Well, McGarnigal, Billy is dead! They slit his throat from ear to ear. Hey, I'm trying to eat lunch here.

I have to deliver a message. It's the skywriters' code.

I'm surprised they bothered to move it when they moved the town. Oh, I can explain that. You see--

Oh! Pathetic. I'm pathetic? Because I take money from my 10-year-old son? Well, let me tell you something! I still call the shots around here! Homer, use your inside voice. I don't have an inside voice!

Why don't you get somethin' to eat from our food truck? - Hey! - M-Mr. Simpson?

but mostly great anger. There are perfectly logical explanations for everything that happened. The bonfire sent soot into the air, which created rain. And with all the trees cut down, a flood was inevitable. Yeah, but what made the rain stop? I dunno. Buddha?

More, more, more How do you like it How do you like it More, more, more How do you like it How do you like it More, more, more How do you like it--

Prepare for the end! The end of high prices! What?

Buddhism teaches that suffering is caused by desire. Richard Gere?

The whole town's laughing at me. Even that cat out there. Bart, kill that cat! Okay! And that big yellow flower!

Montgomery Burns, you're under arrest for murder. Uh, did I say corpse hatch? I meant "innocence tube." Then how do you explain this? I've been expecting this day for 30 years. In a way, it's a relief. But in another way, it's most unwelcome.

Ah, New Orleans. The Big Easy.

designed to cheat death for another week. First, Mr. Burns's chiropractors perform a slight spinal adjustment. Then a team of doctors administers eye drops, painkillers...

Princess who ? Hey, my photo. Your photo ? Uh-oh. Why you little-- Why you big-- Bart, go to your room. I'm out of here. Look, Marge, honey, baby, doll, I-- Homer, I don't even want to look at you right now.

Clean as a whistle. Sharp as a thistle. - Best in all Westminster. Yeah! - Shut up, boy.

D'oh! (EXCLAIMING) (BRAKES SCREECHING) (ALL GASP) (ALL SCREAM)

How does it happen, joe? How does what happen? How does a sweet young lady mortgage her future... for a bunch of scraggly ideals and greasy-haired promises? Maybe she thought the war in Southeast Asia was so immoral her end justified the means.

English - US - Line 21

You're here 'cause your itchy and Scratchy cartoons are stinking up my ratings! Look at this breakdown of yesterday's show. Kaboom! What happened here? Lightning hit the transmitter? See, that's what I thought at first, but then-- Hey, shut up! That crater is where your lousy cartoon crash-landed! It's ratings poison!

Hoo. We must have really painted the town last night. I have a pounding headache, my mouth tastes like vomit, and I don't remember a thing. Welcome to my world.

Sixty-one, 62, 63-- Oh, no! Sixty-three! He's out of air! I've sent my only grandson to a watery grave! Sixty-four! He found the treasure! I'm rich!

"Itchy runs afoul of an Irishman." Look out, Itchy! He's Irish!

They can't seriously expect us to swallow that tripe. Now as a special treat, courtesy of our friends at the meat council, please help yourselves to this tripe.

Here's something that should cheer you up, sir. It's me, sir-- Bobo. Hug me. Squeeze me. Tug at my fur. Enough! Stop this grotesque charade.

They smell good. They look good. You'd step over your own mother just to get one! But you can't stop at one. You wanna drink another woman. So I says, "Yeah, if you want that money, come and find it,

Yeah, tell me about it. I got some yuppie jerk-off headed right for me, yakkin' away on his cell phone. Huh! I hear that. I got some big shot barreling down on me. Hey! Who are you talkin' to, your boyfriend? Hey, jackass! Your voice sounds familiar!

And what are you gonna do about it?

Huh. Well, maybe they're in the media room. That was close. Very close.

Now hold on just one minute. Sure, we could fix up Main Street. We could put all our eggs in one basket. Shut up! I wasn't done yet. I'm just saying we could blow all our money... on a stupid little street, but--

That's a good thing.

"Give me five bees for a quarter," you'd say. Now, where were we? Oh, yeah! The important thing was that I had an onion on my belt, which was the style at the time. They didn't have white onions because of the war.

What's it like, Bart? Bart? Bart? Give me that!

Can you believe it? Tradition forbids me even to speak to the woman... I'm about to spend my life with. Has the whole world gone crazy? Nah. Just your screwy country. Your old friend Apu is a lamb being led to the slaughter. Don't worry, Apu. Someday, you'll meet someone you really love.

What does the future hold for Duff? Let's just say we've got a few ideas up our sleeve. Like what? Uh-- I'd rather not get into it right now. Why not? All right. We don't have any ideas for the future. We got nothing. Happy? No.

Lurleen will be a big success, and I'll be there. Fine. See if I care!

A fat-free fudge cake that doesn't let you down in the flavor department... like so many others-- Let me go! No! Stop! No! Whoa! Another acid flashback. Man, I'd hate to be driving a bus right now!

Hmm. Bold, refreshing... and something I can't quite put my finger on. Hmm. Needs more dog.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Can I help you? Potato man. Where the hell have you been? Okay. Camera two. Uh, excuse me. This is a restricted area. Take a hike, Kojak!

Oh, enchiladas!

Well, Homer's out. We gotta find a new General Ambrose Burnside. And I'm not too crazy about our Stonewall jackson. The South shall come again.

We also sell frozen yogurt, which I call frogurt.

You call that prime rib? Yuck.

The whole point of coming down here was for you to get some rest. Show us your boobs! Not now.

Just friendly crustaceans Under the sea Ah. Homer, that's your solution to everything-- to move under the sea.

No thanks to you, Homer. Why, you little--

Hmm. He seems to be running a little low on ideas. Well, at least you got the gum. Oww! I cut my cheek!

love you you darling, I love you

By gum, it worked. I've awakened in the future. "Moon Pie." What a time to be alive. Hey, who unplugged my freezer? Return to your state of living death at once, sir. Is that you, Apu?

You'll see all your favorite soccer stars, like Ariaga, Ariaga ii, Bariaga, Aruglia, and Pizzoza! Oh, I never heard of those people. And they'll all be signing autographs! Whoo-hoo!

Why don't we call it "Everybody Hates Raymond?" Well, we stayed up all night, but it was worth it. We can't let L.T. blow up Mad!

That does it. Children, get dressed. We're leaving. Come on, Marge. You said you'd sleep on it. I don't care what I said. This family has had its differences and we've squabbled, but we've never had knife fights before, and I blame this house.

One more thing: if you ever set foot in this store again, you'll be spending Christmas in juvenile hall, capisce? Well, do you understand? Everything except "capeesh."

for sale!" Oh! Lord, save me.

Mr. Burns, you brought us a present. Why, what did you think I was going to do ? Have you beaten to a bloody pulp ? To show there's no hard feelings, please take an advance copy of my book. Will There Ever Be A Rainbow ?

Ol' Painty-can Ned! I always knew he'd keep his old cans of paint! Yeah! How do you like that?

Your wussiness better come in handy.

People of Earth, we come to you in the spirit of hostility and menace. Now, we can resolve our differences peacefully. Uh... ow! Your superior intellect is no match for our puny weapons.

Why do you talk that way? I had a stroke.

Mr. Burns is gone. And tonight was the night I was gonna show him my tattoo. (SOBBING)

Hey! - Did you just take a bite out of me? - Um, maybe. I sentence you to death! Um! Homer!

Yeah, just a sec. I'll check. Uh, Amanda Huggenkiss! Hey, I'm looking for Amanda Huggenkiss! Why can't I find Amanda Huggenkiss? Maybe your standards are too high. You little S.O.B.!

- It's a secret. - Ooh, sounds spine-tingly-dingling.

(LAUGHS) Pretended.

Ow ! Mom, Bart threw a book at me.

Stricken, I lurched forth in search of aid.

Can't breathe. Sweet chocolate... cutting off air. Mmm! Nuts. Oh, yeah!

I've hidden it. To find it, you'll need to decipher a series of clues, each more fiendish-- - Got it. - D'oh! Behold gravity in all its glory!

Ah, geez. Will you look at that? Hmm? What have we become? We've given the word "mob" a bad name.

English - US - Line 21

Wiggum. Yeah, right, buddy. Liquor store robbery, officer down. Sure.

And there's no one here to squeal on me for shootin' mice. - Can I ask you somethin', Dad? - Sure, boy. If the town keeps getting bigger, will there always be enough electricity? Aw, Son. You know that's none of your business. Say, is that our house?

There's still the far more serious problem of your husband. That's okay. You don't have to make her into some kind of superwoman. If she can get on the plane, that's plenty. Thank you, Doctor. Whenever the wind whistles through the leaves, I'll think Lowenstein. Lowenstein. My name is Zweig. Lowenstein.

We've all heard of a laugh riot, but a prison riot? Kent Brockman high above Montgomery Burns State Penitentiary, where our expensive Thermocam 3000 is finally being used for something.

How many times can you laugh at that cat getting hit by the moon? - It's a new episode. - Not exactly. They pieced it together from old shows, and it seems new to the trusting eyes of impressionable youth.

I'm afraid our furnace isn't working. Yeah, what's the story? But let's just put it out of our minds... and turn to the lamentations of jeremiah, long version.

Because of you all I got A tune in my head and the only way to stop it is to make you all dead

"Honey Roasted Peanuts. "Ingredients: Salt, "artificial honey-roasting agents, pressed peanut sweepings." Mmm! Homer, I have to go out to pick up something for dinner. Steak? Money's too tight for steak. Steak? Mm, sure. Steak.

I'm so-- embarrassed.

And what's your name? Homer Simpson, sir. Simpson, eh?

Do you wish me to release you from the Helmet of Evil Thoughts... with my enchanted space wand? Yes! Yes! Yes! I will do it, Bartron. But who knows what mysterious forces will be unleashed? Oh, no. Inside the evil Bartron... is a horrible, mutant boy!

Answer the phone. I need a man! Ow, my eyeball! Enough, people. People? All right.

Gross! He's picking his nose. Hmph!

So, it was pretty okay, huh? Mom, can we go to bed without dinner? Yes, we can. Well, at least I liked it. Didn't I? Oh, you don't want to know what I really think. Now, look sad and say "d'oh." D'oh.

Can't get enough of that Sugar Crisp I'm having a hard time seeing. Homer, did you remember to put the fog lights in? Guess I forgot to put the fog lights in I better pull over and play it safe.

Good news, my delicious friend. You're going to be a free-range lobster. Come on, boy. Dig in. They'll give you a big, strong thorax. Wh-- Whoa! Why, you little-- Oh, look at him cower. just like the boy.

Oh, that man is so rude. Yeah.

Mmm! Homer, I have to go out to pick up something for dinner. Steak? Money's too tight for steak. Steak? Mm, sure. Steak. Ah. The last peanut--

Homer mad! Aah! Aah!

Well, that dream is over. At least we still have each other. Right, honey? Honey? God!

I don't want anyone to give her a hard time just because she's different. No jokes, no taunting-- Look, that kid's got bosoms! Who's got a wet towel? Come here, you butterball. Don't make me run! I'm full of chocolate!

"Positive actions lead to happiness and negative actions lead to unhappiness.

Don't you think we ought to attack the roots of social problems... instead of jamming people into overcrowded prisons? Look, Lisa, it's McGriff, the Crime Dog. Hello, Lisa. Help me bite crime. Ruff, ruff.

I hear those things are awfully loud. It glides as softly as a cloud. Is there a chance the track could bend? Not on your life, my Hindu friend. What about us brain-dead slobs? You'll be given cushy jobs. Were you sent here by the devil? No, good sir. I'm on the level. The ring came off my pudding can! Take my pen knife, my good man.

Fooling these Earth voters is easier than expected. Yes. All they want to hear are bland pleasantries... embellished by an occasional saxophone solo or infant kiss. Uh, Mr. President, sir,

Yeah. It's just like my dad always says: For an evening or a week, there's no place like the mall. Food, fun and fashion-- the mall has it all. What? What did he say?

Homer, we've got to get out of here! Oh! But I wanna do some rioting. - Jobbers cobknots, ya mucker! - All done.

Forbearance is the watchword. That triumvirate of twinkies overwhelmed my resolve. There's another thing I want to talk about. Tut, tut, gentle Marge.

Scared of what? All the funny camp songs we're gonna sing? We'll be safe inside our fortress when they come We'll be safe from creeps and killers when they come Unless they have a blow torch or a poison gas injector Then I don't know what'll happen when they come

Hey, Lovejoy. You could take a lesson from Flanders. You know, inject your services with a little razzle-dazzle. I already do, if by "razzle" you mean piety and by "dazzle" you mean scriptural accuracy. What a tool.

We're home! We got beets!

Starring Fyvush Finkel as Krusty the Clown. i went through a five-year orgy of nonstop pills and booze, with nothing to show for it but four Emmys and a Peabody Award.

We'll be back after this commercial for Gabbo Airlines. And cut. That oughta hold the little S.O.B.s. Gabbo, quiet. Oh, I wouldn't wanna offend the little S.O.B.s. I wish you'd stop saying that. Hmm.

That's what he thinks. I say it's none other than Bigfoot himself. Oh, no. I disagree. I think it is a man.

(ALL SCREAMING) (GIANT FISH GULPS)

April Fools'! Now who's laughing? Now who's laughing? And that's the story of April Fools' Day. - Dad, I was telling the story. - Oh, right.

Gonna paint your wagon gonna paint it fine gonna use oil-based paint 'cause the wood is pine ponderosa pine

and the Springfield Baggy Pants Players. And now, a family that doesn't know the meaning of the word "canceled," the Simpsons!

Well, sir, it has been an uneventful week in Badger Falls, where the women are robust, the men are pink-cheeked, and the children are pink-cheeked and robust. What the hell's so funny?

No, children, you're not seeing things. This, my little friends, is a schwa. Aah !

Hi, honey. How was your first day of school? Honey?

what a violin is to the-- the guy that-- the violin guy. Now, come on. Give your putter a name. What ? Come on. Give it a name. Mr. Putter. Doh ! You wanna try a little harder, son ? Come on. Give it a girl's name. Mom. Your putter's name is Charlene. Why ?

But, Marge! Valets! For once maybe someone will call me "sir" without adding, "You're making a scene."

Wow. You look really hungover, Dad.

Moe. What are you doin' here? I, um-- Well, I-- I never touched her. Homer, I swear, I never touched her. Here's your water, Moe. I didn't ask her for no water. She's lyin', Homer. She told me you were dead. That's the only reason I-- I didn't do nothin'! Bye, Moe. Homer, what happened to you?

Voy a matar a usted. Wha? That's Spanish for "I am going to kill you."

As the comet hurdles toward the city, our rocket will intercept it and blow it to smithereens. Right! Oh! Dear God, no!

I put Homer to bed, Abe. And now I'm going out.

I'm just a stupid kid! (SOBBING) Son, when you grew up, I grew down. Now I can see you need your dad more than ever. And Homer, I can see you need me more than ever. Get back in the garage, old man. But there's spiders in the boxes. Stay out of my boxes!

Homer gets Powerful like a gorilla, yet soft and yielding like a Nerf ball. Now, at last, I have found it. Ladies and gentlemen, presenting the car designed for the average man, the Homer !

You let me down, man! Now I don't believe in nothing no more. I'm going to law school. No!

Well, dang blast it! Isn't anybody in this dad-gummed cemetery dead?

the bake sale to raise money for the car wash... has been canceled due to confusion. Well, that concludes this morning's announcements. I'm Seymour Skinner. And stand by to resume learning in five,

Wow, a quarter past 6:00. What's keeping Dad ? Yeah, who'd possibly be late on meat loaf night ?

You wandering mongrel ! Get out of my mom and pop operation !

The other is like a hose without a fireman. Which way do you think that was, Mr. Simpson ? Like a hose, Your Wrinkled Highness.

Hmm... You wasted our money on something extravagant for yourself! There's a trickledown theory here. If I'm happy, I'm less abusive to the rest of you. No, Dad. This time you were just plain selfish.

The folks at the senior center... sure will love that peach tree we planted. I wish we could see their happy faces. Sin of pride, Roddy. I'm sorry. Sin of regret. The house is slightly askew. To the panic room! Aaah!

and there's your king-size bed for-- - Hubba-hubba. - Stop that! I love my wife and family. All I'm gonna use this bed for is sleeping, eating, and maybe building a little fort-- that's it.

I can't live the button-down life like you. I want it all-- the terrifying lows, the dizzying highs, the creamy middles. Sure, I might offend a few of the bluenoses... with my cocky stride and musky odors. Oh, I'll never be the darling of the so-called city fathers,

Wow, what an ending. Who would have thought Darth Vader was Luke Skywalker's father? Well, thank you, Mr. Blow-The-Picture-For-Me. Marge, you're as pretty as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

Why, you-- Master Burns! I mean, carry on. Me leg's gone gimpy! Who'll provide for me little ones?

All hail King Homer.

Whoa! You've got a Dingo junction here? I am not wearing this. Oh, come on, Lisa. It's totally you.

Okay. Hey, Marge. What's your favorite radio station? Well, Marge? What? What's your favorite radio station? Okay, Dad, we're ready! Hey, that's super. See you later.

I love the Leader. The Leader is perfect.

But he was a great man. And I won't rest... until all of Springfield knows the name of Bleeding Gums Murphy! And I won't rest until I've gotten a hot dog. Homer, this is a cemetery. Hot dogs! Get your hot dogs here! Whoo-hoo! What do you do, follow my husband around?

April Fools'. He's very much alive, although I'm afraid he may never walk again. Row, row, row your boat gently down the stream - Homie! Marge! Mmm-mmm! Homer has many, many horrible problems.

A weema-way A weema-way A weema-way A weema-way, A weem-- Don't do that.

Fallout Boy! Uh-oh. My eyes. The goggles do nothing.

Come on, Mom. Let's go. Mom? Are you okay?

That does it! I'm going in! Bart, no! Cool, man!

So, another Friday is upon us. What will you be doing, Smithers? Something gay, no doubt? What? What? You know, lighthearted, fancy-free. Mothers, lock up your daughters. Smithers is on the town. Exactly, sir.

Howdilly-hey, Camper Bart! Ready for today's meeting? You know-dilly know it, Neddy. Okilly-dokilly.

Here's a little something we learned in C.I.A.

Oh, sweet mother of mercy! I mean-- I mean, my God! And have it sent to the Springfield Nuclear Power Plant, care of Homer J.-- No! Don't use your real name, or Bart will know! Forget the name Homer Simpson. Have it sent care of Langdon Alger.

You ate three desserts tonight. Forbearance is the watchword. That triumvirate of twinkies overwhelmed my resolve.

It's people like you who are ruining... our downtown promenades and piazzas. How dare you prey on the greedy and stupid like this? Buh-bye.

Your child's behavior appalls me not just as a principal, but as a veteran of America's only losing war. To date! I swear, Bart didn't know what he was doing. He was deaf. Oh, sure, Marge. Just like Blind Bart, Wheelchair Bart, Pregnant Bart, and my personal favorite, Railroad Spike-Through-Head Bart.

Well, Marge, it was horrible. Everyone was against me in that jury room. But I stood by the courage of my convictions, and I prevailed. And that's why we had Chinese food for lunch. Good for you, Homie. You know, a lot of things happened around here while you were gone.

What do I get? It's not another punch in the face, is it? This is what you get, Homer. I forgive you. You can call me brother, and I can do the same. That's it? That's it. I see your point... brother. Give me a hug... brother.

Mmm. Money. Hey, watch it, chief.

So, what do you think of the Lady Krusty mustache-removal system now, Angelique? It's "Krusterrific," johnny Unitas. - But is my upper lip supposed to bleed like this? - Probably.

A drug? I know Bart can be rambunctious, but he's not some hyperactive monster. Gimme an "F"! Good Lord! Gimme an "art"! He's gotten into the pep closet. What's that spell? I'd say he's coming out of the pep closet.

but we've also expanded into other important areas. Literacy programs, preserving our beloved covered bridges, world domination. World domination? Oh, that might be a typo. Mental note: The girl knows too much. Mr. Simpson, how do you respond to the charge...

Dad, how could you? We were connecting in such a meaningful way. We were what-what in the what-what? Yeah. Which reminds me, I need a sandwich. Hey. What's this? I don't know. Must be something I wrote before Moe fixed me.

Hey, you! Where'd you get that saxophone? Sears. Get him!

That's okay. I'll just push the button for the stimulator.

Could you rephrase that as an ethical question? Um... is it right to buy a Chrysler? Yes-- for great is the car with power steering and Dyna-Flo suspension. Papa? When I grow up, can I be a clown? No! A clown is not respected. I'll make people laugh.

Well, Lisa, I would be proud if one of the eggs I sold turned out like you.

Yeah, hi. I got a special delivery for Homer Simpson. That's me! Don't write no more letters to Mr. Sinatra. I've got a special delivery for Homer Simpson. Uh, that's me. Stop stealing golf balls from the driving range.

we meet a man who's been hiccupping for 45 years. Kill me. Kill me. But first, we'll examine the growing Itchy and Scratchy mania...

Steak? Money's too tight for steak. Steak? Mm, sure. Steak.

Dag-- darn it! Nice try, Mr. Flanders, but I've got a story so scary, - you'll wet your pants. - Too late.

Oh, dear! Now, here we have beautiful hardwood floors, track lighting-- What's that stench? Once you get used to the smell of melted hog fat, you'll wonder how you ever did without it.

I guess youll be heading out on the first bus to the airport.

Big know-it-all. When's Todd's solo, Dad ? Shh ! It's coming up, son. It's coming up.

My name iS luka i live on the second floor Give me my car, fatty. This is my car! And I'm not fat! It's glandular! Right.

Mmm. Bart, turn to the Financial Channel. Aunt Patty says our stock is skyrocketing.

How dare you question Mr. Burns. I'll handle it, Smithers. Shut up, little girl.

Fourteen dollars and 10, 11, 12 cents. There you go. You know, sir, tipping is customary. Ooh! Me sorry! Me no speaky Chiny! Mmm. Oh, General Gao, you were a bloodthirsty fool, but your chicken is delectable.

Those are prescription shoes! I need them! You have cooties! You have cooties! No, I don't! Lisa Simpson, report to the principal's office... for head lice inspection! Ooh! Cooties! Head lice! Oww! My tongue! Heads up!

Spill it! Where's your brother? You'd better answer him, Lisa. He's a bad man. What are you laughing about? You started off as the bad cop. And now you're the good one. You and Willie got mixed-up about 10 minutes ago. We did not! Now, where's Bart? You better tell me!

But I'm afraid we're out of options. Television must go. May God have mercy on our souls. And as my final newscast draws to a close, I'm reminded of a few of the events that brought me closer to you.

Oh, Homer. Oh, come on, Marge. Why scrimp now on the off chance that they'll actually get in some place ? Forty-eight. Forty-nine. Fifty. Eighty-eight dollars and fifty cents. That's it ? That's the college fund we've been saving for all these years ? I guess I'd have needed a partial scholarship. Well, We're not licked yet.

Say, I hear a foghorn. Boring!

Oh, no, wait. Please, no. Please.

Oh, I can't watch !

Yeah, well, good luck. Now, boys, let's see the suspect in that child abduction case. I shall never grow up. Uh, in jail you will.

Help! Please help me! Willie, please! Mr. Van Houten has the floor. I, for one, would like to see the cafeteria menus in advance... so parents can adjust their dinner menus accordingly.

Whoa! It's that Homer Simpson dude. Ha-ha! People are laughing at me, Marge. Let's get out of here. Forget the baby's medicine! But her forehead's on fire! Fine. I'll be in the car, driving home. Well, if it isn't that stupid cop from TV. Ah, yeah, that got it.

I am the god Ganesh! This wedding angers me!

Chokin' on my own rage, here. Hey, don't yell at Homer just 'cause he's a little slow. Something was said. Not good. What was it? "Don't yell at Homer"! No, that's okay. What was it? "Slow." They called you "slow"!

Mmm. Marshmallow.

The Be Sharps. The Be Sharps. The Be Sharps. The Be Sharps. Why, you can't blame a guy for tryin'. Oh, you're all under arrest.

What do you call it? It's called a Flaming... ...Moe! It's called a Flaming Moe. That's right, a Flaming Moe. My name is Moe, and I invented it.

Dad, chew with your mouth closed. You're losing your mystique. Lisa, all great artists love free food. Check out jasper johns. You squeal on me, I'll kill you.

Samantha! Dad! Noooooo! Samantha, you're my little girl and sometimes my imagination runs away with me. just tell me what happened. Milhouse and I... That's enough!

Our magazines and roach traps, gone. All gone. I saved your cat. Ow! That hurt. Hey, what are these axes for? - I don't know. Chopping stuff. - Gotcha.

Oh, you'll pay. Don't think you won't pay!

No. I-- I-- I mean just the Flanders family. Oh, okay. Oh, boy! Grandma! We're not going anywhere. But you said-- Uh, sometimes to keep from hurting someone's feelings, we have to say things that aren't exactly--

Let's see... I'll have 16 Gravy Scrape 'Ems, a bucket of Twisty Lard, and two Super Choker Breakfast Burritos with macho sauce. And mega-size it, please. SQUEAKY-VOICED TEEN: I could also deep-fry the bag. Great. And I'll have a Diet Coke deep-fried.

Homer! Whoa! Hello, honey. Hi.

Oh, Margebot, I'm ready for some loving. (SCREAMING)

Homer, this-this is never easy to say. I'm gonna have to saw your arms off. They'll grow back, right? Oh, yeah. Whew.

In my dad's apartment, the heat is always off. He made a coat out of all my stuffed animals. (BART SHUDDERS) You can hide out in my room. My dad won't know because he's at work. Shoo! Get outta here! (CROWS CAWING) These aren't your soybeans!

Hey, kids, wanna drive through that cactus patch? Yeah! Yeah! No! Whoop, two against one.

- Jesus is our only king. - Not anymore. There he is!

Uhp-- telephone. Flaming Moe's. I'm looking for a friend. Last name: jazz. First name: Hugh. Hold on. I'll check. Huge ass? Somebody check the men's room for a huge ass. I'm Hugh jazz. Telephone. This is Hugh jazz. Uh... hi.

Mmm. Grazie. Don Homer, my son, he has a-trouble with the-- Eh-eh-eh-eh-eh. Molto bene. That's a nice a-donut.

without giggling like a schoolgirl.

Uptown girl she's been living in her uptown world Will you turn that down just a little?

Oh, I heard about this. This is the one where Scratchy finally gets Itchy. Wow!

Let's go home. There's nothing dangerous there except for the electrical wiring.

Say, sport. Mind if I have the next dance? Wha-- D'oh! What the-- Don't sneak up on a-- Oh, you! No need for the blown gasket, Charlie. I'll have her back in one piece.

So, you workin' tomorrow at the home, Bart? Well, I finished my community service. Oh. Right. But I could swing by after school. I'll bring the limbo stick. Hot diggety!

walk this way walk this way walk this way walk this way walk this way walk this way.

The Moody Blues! Cold-hearted Homer, ditching his wife, while ancient Ned runs for his life. Chips of red and blue and white, but we decide which-- Can the poems. It's ass-whooping time. I want fatty. Get him! Get him!

(KISSING) (GIGGLING)

was meant to be one fine day you're gonna want me For your girl I was looking for those. Thanks, doll. The itchy anD scratchy show

Hmph. How about "Screw Flanders"?

Hmm? Hmm! One, two, three o'clock four o'clock rock

Hey, look! A really small dog just fell out of Santa's girlfriend. Oh, my God! She's having babies! Oh, I'm sorry, girl. I thought you were just getting fat. Look! It's twins!

Bye, Unky Herb. Good-bye, Herb. Gee, Herb, because of me, you lost your business, your home and all your possessions.

Hello. I am Homer Simpson,

Well, the good children of Springfield need their milk, and I need my-- Please accept this kickback as a token of our esteem. Thank you, Fat Tony. However, in the future, I would prefer a nondescript briefcase to the sack with a dollar sign on it.

You idiot! You're trying to kill me, man! Someday, I want to be an F-14 pilot like my hero, Tom.

Apu hits the jackpot and I'm stuck with these useless one-tuplets! Gee, sorry for being born. I've been waiting so long to hear that.

The contents of the hijacked truck-- some 12,000 cartons of Laramie 100's. We have-- Please! We have a number of leads. and let me assure all you smokers, there is no shortage of cigarettes. How do we know that? Let me refer that question back to jack Larson...

Eat my shorts. Eat My Shorts. Okay, let's see.

Uh, Homie, are you as attracted to me as you were when we met? Sure. Why not? Sometimes I worry you might think about other women. Hey! Why would I want Purina when I got Fancy Feast right here? That doesnt sound very convincing.

Why didn't I think of that? Hammocks! Homer, there's four places. There's the Hammock Hut. That's on Third. Uh-huh. There's Hammocks-R-Us. That's on Third too. - You got Put-Your-Butt-There. - Mm-hmm. - That's on Third. Swing Low, Sweet Chariot. - Right. Matter of fact, they're all in the same complex. It's the hammock complex on Third. Oh, the hammock district.

I can't take Mr. Burns to the "hopital"... 'cause I'm too dumb to read a map. Oh, why did my school have to close? Hmm. Hello. I'm Dr. Stupid. I'm going to take out your liver bones. Oops. You're dead.

Hurry, Charlie. There is not much time. I ain't goin' nowhere. I been in this square pert' near 30 seasons, and I ain't a-leavin' now.

I am! I am! We're here! We're queer! We don't want any more bears! We're here! We're queer! We don't want any more bears! Hey, Homer, that's a pretty catchy chant. Where'd you learn it? Oh, I heard it at the mustache parade they have every year. We don't want any more bears!

"Asleep at the switch"? I wasn't asleep. I was drunk! I believe you, Dad. Well, no matter what the paper says, I still have a job to do.

Oh, no ! Come on ! Don't let the-- Aaah ! Oh, no, not again. Get over to the-- Aaah !

Nah, forget it. Go home, kid. Shiva H. Vishnu! Where is that noise coming from?

Oh, that's my old unit from Vietnam. I was their sergeant. They were my loyal troops. That photo was taken shortly before I was shot in the back,

julius! Clancy! Skinner! Seymour! Mother. - Patty? - Cletus! Oh, uh, Barney.

Oh, my God! What is it? "Tramampoline." "Trambapoline." He said what now? Please, don't bring home any more old crutches. Oh, no, you don't. That trampoline is mine!

Otto, welcome. Apu, hey. Got a bad case of the munchies, man. Time for a heat-lamp dog. Did you know there's a child in your bus? Good thing you warned me. I was heading to Mexico.

I've gone back to the time... when dinosaurs weren't just confined to zoos!

Hmm, this one's done in different handwriting. Oh, uh, I wrote that one... after Bart somehow put this tattoo on my butt. Ha-ha!

Huh. You kids don't know what you want. That's why you're still kids-- 'cause you're stupid! just tell me what's wrong with the freakin' show!

All right. Then you can just look at the portrait I painted of him. Homer, how did you think I'd feel when I saw that? Something like that.

It's a surprise party for Lenny thrown by his closest friends.

- It could be a late night. I'm meeting my destiny. - So long.

(GRUNTING) Stupid atomic pile. How hard could it be to build a reactor? Korea did it. And look at the quality of their animation. Hmm. What to do? What to do?

Well, there's no shame in bein' beaten by the best. But he didn't seem all that-- We were beaten by the best, boy.

I get to clothe the leper! Lucky! Suppertime, boys. Oh, boy! Liver! Iron helps us play! I wanna go home.

Well, I don't know about that.

Do you really think we can afford it ? Nothing a month ? Yeah, I think we can swing that. Mmm. Are you sure this is legal ? Don't worry, Marge. Take a look at this. "Myth: it's only fair to pay for quality first-run movies. Fact: Most movies shown on cable get two stars or less and are repeated ad nauseam."

I am richer than you.

Man, this place looks expensive! I feel like I'm wasting a fortune just standing here. Better make the most of it. Ow! Watch it, coney!

Homer, whoa, whoa! Homer! Change of plans. Whatever.

I want you to stop seeing her. I can't. I'm her manager. Her manager! That's ridiculous. I won't allow you to spend any more time away from your family. You're standing in the way of my boyhood dream... of managing a beautiful country singer!

Hey, Homer, slow down. You're going to choke or something. Don't tell me how to eat doughnuts. Hey, Homer's choking again. Isn't there a first-aid chart around here somewhere?

Castellaneta, gone. Kavner, cut. Cartwright, cut. Smith, sorry. Cut. Azaria and Shearer, you're cut. Firestone, you're cut. So is judge. Namath, you stay. All of those people are cut. Bill Schultz and Wolf and Silverman. Goldreyer. O'Brien, Doyle, Selman, I don't know what you--

Go ahead-a, Bart. Take-a the Bonestorm. The store, she's so rich she'll-a never notice. Duh, it's the company's fault for making you want it so much. Don't do it, son. How's that game gonna help your putting? just take it! Take it, take it, take it, take it, take it! Take it!

"R," "Q," "G." Question mark. Smiley face. Next. Wait a minute. It says here you're single. Did I do wrong?

Then I got my big break. I was on Steve Allen's Tonight Show. Now, a brilliant jazz musician who's inspired me to do some improv poetry.

Don't you ever come near my daughter again! Never have I heard such gratuitous use of the word "butt"!

No, Mr. Simpson. A cat is a living creature. I don't care.

God, he eats like a pig. I don't know. Pigs tend to chew. I'd say he eats more like a duck. Well, some kind of farm animal anyway. And earlier today I saw him asleep inside a radiation suit.

This boy's appendix is inflamed and about to burst,

Then grease me up, woman!

Oh, Dad! Oh. I blew it again. What? Mmm. Hey, Lise, you still upset about that jazz guy? Mmm. If it helps, I believe that after you die,

Oh, come on, Dad. You got to listen to me. Sorry, pal. Doh ! Mr. Simpson, was that you taking that cowardly dive...

I'm your moderator, Larry King. Now a word to our audience. Even though we're being broadcast on... Fox, there's no need for obnoxious hooting and hollering. Ugh!

One groom-- Two grooms? But he-- But you can't-- Oh, my medication! Radical! Is that your final answer?

Ya think-- Ya think you're better than me? Huh?

Hmm. What's an "eltdown"? Eh.

I am the thing from Uranus! Oh, it's Bart. I can't believe it. I'm being mocked by my own children on my birthday. It's your birthday? Yes. Remember, it's the same day as the dog's. Santa's Little Helper, it's your birthday?

I mean, I think I hear something. Why, here's Alison's real diorama. It got misplaced, or so it would seem. Oh, well, that changes everything. Let's have a look. Get the ribbon ready. Oh.

The League of Uninformed Voters presents the Springfield mayoral debates. I'm your moderator, Larry King. Now a word to our audience. Even though we're being broadcast on... Fox, there's no need for obnoxious hooting and hollering. Ugh!

(GROANS) (GASPS) HOWELL: Radioactivity? That means it's a place where we do radio activities. (LET'S TWIST AGAIN PLAYING) (LAUGHING) I'm happy to be exposed to that kind of radioactivity.

- Hi. - I have soy milk. The doctor says the real kind could kill me. I wish I was interesting like you. - You're funny. - I am? Yeah.

But it comes with a free frogurt. That's good. The frogurt is also cursed.

but you're proving quite the caterpillar in our buttermilk. Huh? We're shutting you down. Not a chance. No one can silence me but me! That arranged can be. Wha-- Aaah! Yes! Fight and struggle.

Look at those poor saps back on land with their "laws" and "ethics." They'll never know the simple joys of a monkey knife fight.

Come to Daddy! I'm sorry, Maggie. I never realized things between us had gotten this bad. What are you pointing at? The ocean?

Oh! Why did I have to stop at the railroad tracks? Better get Some change. It's okay. It's okay. I'm back. See? Daddy's here.

We'll be right back.

Okay, no big deal! Stupid Lisa! Gotta build fast. Cement drying! All right. Let's see. Ohh, English side ruined! Must use French instructions! "Le grille"? What the hell is that?

paving the way for an invasion by the saucer people. You fool! Can't you see it's a massive government conspiracy? Or have they gotten to you too? Hey, hey, hey! Stop it! Stop it!

Are we so bereft of ideas that we must revive... the antiquated notion of prohibition? Channel 6 says yes. Prohibition.

Gosh, that cheese looks good. Think I could grab it before that anvil hits? I don't know, Chief. It's a million to one. I like those odds. My mistake was grabbing the cheese.

Our beloved Captain jack isn't dead after all. Well, don't that beat all? I guess you folks just stunned him. That's what we've been trying to tell you! Well, looks like you folks are free to go.

Homer, have we hit international waters yet? Because, uh, things are gettin' real ugly.

Oh, no! We're out of gas. I couldn't figure out this stupid Italian gas gauge. I've gotta get to school!

Dad ! Homer, what happened ? Oh, the boy. Bring me the boy.

Bart, put that down! Guns are very dangerous, and I won't have them in this house. How can you have a house without a gun? What if a bear came through the door? I'm going to bury it in the yard where little hands can't get to it. You should have fired into the air. She would have run off.

Yes, the Simpsons have come a long way... since an old drunk made humans out of his rabbit characters... to pay off his gambling debts. Who knows what adventures they'll have between now...

Barney, how did you join the group? They found me on the men's room floor. - Principal Skinner-- - Mm-hmm? You've been referred to as "the funny one." Is that reputation justified? Yes. Yes, it is.

Bart! Mmm! Apple.

That's just drunk talk. Sweet, beautiful drunk talk.

How about Chairman Moe's Magic Wok? I like it! Nah. I want something that says people can have a nice, relaxing time. I got it! Madman Moe's Pressure Cooker! I like it! Hey, how about Uncle Moe's Family Feedbag? I hate it.

Sir, if you just quiet down, I'd be happy to treat you to a garbage bag full of popcorn.

And in art class, we painted Saint Joan burning at the stake. And mine was the grossest. (CACKLING) Catholics rock!

Homie, do you ever drink alone? Does the Lord count as a person?

"Itchy runs afoul of an Irishman."

What card? I wrote down what I was going to say on a card. Stupid thing must have fallen out of my pocket. Is this it? What's it say? "Marge, from the first moment I saw you "I never wanted to be with anyone else.

Look at this. Special insert: "Iron-on madness. "Ban the bath. Don't trust anyone over 10. Sock it to me!" Those magazines create a dangerous amount of laughter. "The 'all-ighty ollar'"?

Now I'd like to introduce... a new feature never before seen on TV-- "Dumb Pet Tricks." Oh, boy. Here's a dog that's been trained to catch this red rubber ball. Oh! Somebody shoot it. Somebody shoot it.

Now, pair up. - He's mine. - Him? Why? I like 'em small and bug-eyed. You two will dance, and you'll like it. Then you'll have punch, and you'll drink it.

I, uh, can't commit to a relationship. I'm too nice. I have problems with-- I'm always interrupting people. Okay. Okay. Right now, I want each of you to try something interesting. There's no trick to it. It's just a simple trick. Now, close your eyes for a moment and really listen to that inner voice inside.

Yes! Oh, yes! Read it and weep! In your face! I've got more chicken bone! What did you wish for? No! Don't say. Otherwise, it won't come true. Ooh, that would be a shame. Wouldn't it, Flanders?

The easiest way to be popular... is to leech off the popularity of others. So we propose changing our name from Springfield to Seinfeld.

Seamless, huh? You're fired.

All right, you big ape. Get a snoot full of this gas bomb. I was strolling through the gas one day

I appreciate your passion on behalf of your medium. But I'm afraid we're out of options. Television must go. May God have mercy on our souls.

So sit back and enjoy a night of worry-free-- What the fudge-- Oh, for Pete's sake! Jiminy Christmas! Darn it!

We tried to stop the kid, but he wouldn't quit. He went crazy. Prostitution, loan sharking, numbers-- The kid liked to wet his beak in everything.

All right, boy! Which con did you work here? Copy off another kid? Pay attention and take notes? Well, take note of this. (CHOKING) (CHUCKLES) (CHOKING) (CHUCKLES) (SIGHS) Bart really did get 100.

Guess who I saw at the supermarket today.

D'oh! - D'Oh! - D'Oh!

Bart! Oh, I see Bart gets to have a gun. You lied to me! You promised to get rid of this gun. I put it in a safe place, Marge. I mean, what are the odds the boy would look in the vegetable crisper?

Well, that's surprising. They're controlling our minds with flu shots. I knew it! Well, kids, now aren't you glad we don't believe in inoculations? Yea! Mommy? Hey, Mr. X, I got a tip for you.

You wanna hold it for a while? Nah. Marge, kite.

See? Hmm. Homer, I thought you were an animal, but your daughter said you were a decent man. I guess she was right. You're both right.

- Principal Skinner-- - Mm-hmm? You've been referred to as "the funny one." Is that reputation justified? Yes. Yes, it is.

I threw those two creeps out on their ass. Then they followed me home, beggin' me to take a test drive. And let me tell you, talk about roomy. The Canyonero combines the smooth handling of a European sports car...

Homer, I don't want you driving around in a car you built yourself. Marge, you can stand there finding fault, or you can knit me some seat belts. Sorry, sorry. Dad, you got a letter from the City of New York. Throw it away. Nothing good has ever come out of New York City.

Thank you, Mr. Bergstrom. All aboard ! So I guess this is it. If you don't mind, I'll just run alongside the train as it speeds you from my life.

The foreman will pass the verdict to the bailiff. This verdict is written on a cocktail napkin! And it still says "guilty." And "guilty" is spelled wrong!

The flowers starting to open.

He's up in his room. Don't touch the wallpaper. Ba-ba-ba-bum Ba-ba-ba-bum Now a little more allegro than last time. Bart! Welcom