Oh, come on, Homer. There's lasers. You like lasers. Laser effects, mirrored balls---

Smithers, where's that union representative? He's 20 minutes late. Uh, I don't know, sir. He hasn't been seen since he promised to clean up the union. Whoa! What the hell?

are dependent on their mother regurgitating the food which she has found. Hey ! Look, everybody. Yesterday was a real eye-opener. We've got to do better as a family. So Tonight, we're not going to shovel food in our mouths while we stare at the TV. We're going to eat at the dining room table like a normal family.

Oh, Mr. Pigeon, I'd kiss you if you weren't swimming with disease.

Why would I want a picture of a pitiful pencil-neck geek? Why indeed.

Whoa! Look at those mogambos! Hey, that's it! Mogambo! I came out ofthe elepharts mouth, right? Cause I already showered once today.

I made a new friend. I'm going to Africa... to see lions and giraffes... and monkeys and Santa and gorillas and-

I am Ganesh, your god. Oh, I am truly screwed. I order you to get back together-- or I'll suck your blood! - Bleh! Bleh! - Bart, stick to the script. Don't be a jerk. You're the jerk. You're the jerk!

f Man f J Jellyfish J J i held you close J J And told you iiove youJ J But then the ocean took you backJ J And now i fast hold goo J

That fat, dumb and bald guy sure plays some real hardball. Who's ready to riot?

Let's walk and talk. I have some wonderful stories about other famous people that include me in some way. - Uh, can't. I gotta go distract bulls at a rodeo. - Hey, me too! We can go together. Uh... no, I'm going a different way than you, Dick. Your churlish attitude reminds me of a time I was having dinner with Groucho-- Look, you're gonna be having dinner with Groucho tonight if you don't beat it!

I can't believe what I'm hearing. Well, then you'd better turn up your hearing aid, Pops. Pops? I'm only two years older than you. Do we want Old Man Patterson here with his finger on the button? What button? What the hell are you talking about? What-- What button? Where am I? Who took my false teeth?

james Woods.

I thought McBain was a nonstop roller coaster... of chills, thrills, spills and kills. And that chase at the end, my friend ? Mwah ! Are you nuts ? That movie stinks like your creepy one-bedroom apartment. Your mother didn't think it was so creepy. "My mother." Real mature. I'm sick of your grade-school humor.

"Gym"? What's a "gym"? Oh. A "gym."

No! Whew! That was close. Thank God it landed in that smoking crater! Huh? Take him into custardy, boys! Hah! Attempted murder one. Now, boys, what would you say to some Belgian waffles?

Well, I think I know tomorrow's headline:

Look at their proud, hopeful faces. Wait till they see that their rare Chinese panda... is nothing but a fat guy in a suit. Why do I have to do the Lindy Hop? Oh, that's the heart of the bit.

Tonight, we'll visit Springfield's answer to the Benedictine monks-- The Rappin' Rabbis. Don't eat pork not even with a fork Can't touch this! Marge, are we jewish? No, Homer.

A solar eclipse. The cosmic ballet goes on. Does anyone want to switch seats?

who says it's wrong to eat meat. - Is he crazy? - No, just ignorant. You see, your crazy friend never heard of the food chain. just ask this scientician. Uh-- He'll tell you that in nature one creature invariably eats another to survive.

"Mindy, because of our uncontrollable attraction, I think we should avoid each other from now on." "Max, what I did, I did because of alcohol and anger." "I'm tired of these jokes about my giant hand. The first such incident occurred in 1956 when"--

Buy my cereal. Buy my cereal. I didn't do it ! Oh, I wish I could believe you.

And it makes a king Feel like some nutty cuckoo, super king Look ! It's Tony Bennett ! Hey, good to see you !

Jamming

Slim, if we've got the bag with the stolen diamonds, then what happened to the bag with our stash? There's more than one way to get high, baby.

Bart! Bart! What are you doing? We've got to get out of here! Target sighted! Launching air-to-nerd missile! Ow! Come on! Mom and Dad are waiting!

L-l-S-A! L-l-S-A!

Bill Clinton, everyone. He's Jimmy Carter with a Fox attitude.

So, 120 pins later, I am the better man.

You’re my friend.

We're finally gonna stop those corporate pigs from dumping that nuclear waste. Oh, no! Our boat is sinking. It was I, you fools! The man you trusted isn't Wavy Gravy at all. And all this time, I've been smoking harmless tobacco.

Howdy, partners. Welcome to your post office. Wow! It's ours? Bart! Be with you in a minute. This is the lobby where customers come... for all their "postalistic" needs. "Legends of comedy," my tuchus!

A cheap, $2,000 forgery. I have brought shame to my parents, to my homeland and to myself. Don't forget Ganesha. I cannot deny my roots, and I cannot keep up this charade. I only did it because I love this land...

So you really didn't do it? Marge, look in my eyes. I swear to you I did not do it. I believe you, Jack.

l chuck 'em at nerds, girls I like- whatever. Ow! Munch mud, Simpson! - I'm telling. - "Munch mud." Oh, man. And in a flash, Bats glory has gone the way of England's masculinity.

- Whoo! - But for now,

Yeah, you cheater. You lie like a fly with a booger in its eye. The fly was funny. The booger was the icing on the cake.

of terror by Edgar Allan Poe.

Mom, make him stop! Bart, put down that yellow sweater. Nobody's going near their presents until 7:00 tomorrow morning. 7:00 a.m., no earlier. And you can't set your alarm clocks, 'cause I've got 'em.

Well, if I was governor, I'd sure find better things to do with my time. Like what ? Like getting Washington's birthday... and Lincoln's birthday back As separate paid holidays. Presidents' Day. What a ripoff. I bust my butt day in and day out-- You're late for work, Homer. So ? Somebody'll punch in for me. Try not to spill anything, Dad.

Now, how are we going to get my Homie back?

We'll laugh! (SCREAMS) (LAUGHING) (GROANS) (GASPS) Homer!

While you're enjoying our Hall of Wonders, your car will, unfortunately, be subject to repeated break-ins-- What'd he say? What about my car?

Could you loosen my cuffs?

While I was gone, I got some really good advice from Paul and Linda McCartney. Rock stars. Is there anything they don't know? I still stand by my beliefs. But I can't defend what I did. I'm sorry I messed up your barbecue. I understand, honey. I used to believe in things when I was a kid.

Marge, come on! (GRUNTS) We'll be safe in the gas chamber. (GRUNTS) (SQUEAKING) I want you to look into the faces of those poor men. Each one is a life you made worse with your ratting. (ALL STRAINING)

Throw at his head !

Would you like me to shred those environmental reports for you, sir? Already taken care of. Cappuccino, Simpson? Ahoy! Ahoy! No, you have the wrong number. This is 5246.

Hello. I'm actor Troy McClure. You kids might remember me from such educational films as Lead Paint: Delicious But Deadly and Here Comes The Metric System.

Now my good man, what do you like to play? Pokémon! Pokémon? Pokémon? With the pokey and the man... and the-- That is the darnedest thing.

Weren't you the plant's Y2K compliance officer? Absolutely. Must have been hard debugging all those computers, huh, Homer? Doing what now? You did fix them, right, Dad? Because even a single faulty unit could corrupt every other computer in the world. That can't be true, honey. If it were, I'd be terrified.

Maybe we should leave. Uh-uh. No way. I don't wanna miss a word. You don't know what they're saying. I'm picking it up. "Sala" seems to mean "jerk," and I think "Manjula" means some kind of spaceship. Uh, this could take a while, folks. Thank you. Come again.

And lift. And strain. And hyperextend. Keep those knees rigid. jerk that lower back. Homer, I'm-- I'm feeling some sharp pains in my neck. That' right, force it. Whip that neck.

You don't win friends with salad You don't win friends with salad You don't win friends with salad - You don't win friends with salad Mom! I didn't mean to take sides. I just got caught up in the rhythm.

Wow, former president james Taylor.

"Pressure too high"? Oh! "Tank must be shut down manually"? Aw! Stupid bird! I never should have put you in charge! Why, you-- Oh, who am I kidding? It's all my fault. I gotta call the plant and warn 'em.

Mr. Burns, can your plant handle it? No problem. We've siphoned off extra power from the orphanage. Who are they going to complain to? Their parents? But, sir, we're at full capacity. One more appliance could overload the system. Fear not. Our town has dodged disaster, and I have come out smelling like guest room soap.

And you like snakes, don't you, Barry White? I love the sexy slither of a lady snake. Oh, baby. Hooray for snakes! Hooray for snakes!

I'll be bringin' sparkplugs to chuck at people I don't like, like you! But I'm up $200,000. Give me my money! Think I won't manhandle a little boy? You don't understand. It's not real money. None of these people have won any money.

Because I like you, I'll even do it pro boner.

Howdilly-hey, Camper Bart! Ready for today's meeting? You know-dilly know it, Neddy. Okilly-dokilly. Our annual father-son rafting trip is next weekend. Oh, no. Me bring Homer on a rafting trip? Duh, I'm the captain. My son is Bart. What an oaf. How embarrassing.

Hey, there's writing on the back ofthis. "Dear Homer, I cant believe... you’re making this the worst night of my life”? Huh? f Thinking f You /ea ve me sitting here a” alone. .. while you P/a. y video games with your Neanderthal friends. Marge, come here.

Well, luckily, I've got a book right here that's jam-packed with answers. Hmm. Oh, man, this is long. Could you read it to me? I guess that could be arranged.

What's that name again? I forgot.

You won't be needing this.

Happy birthday, Burnsie Happy birthday to you Go to hell, you old bastard. Hey, I think they liked us. Have the Rolling Stones killed. Oh, sir, those aren't-- Do as I say!

Uh, I guess. Hey, that wasn't supposed to happen! Those finks double-crossed me! Poochie's dead!

Well, that hideous creep doesn't scare me. Mom, Dad, help! He's trying to kill me!

"I love you"-- Cactus? Blobbie? Upsilon?

I'm not a nerd, Bart. Nerds are smart.

I "eated" the purple berries. Ow.

Oh, my little Homie Bear. Time for bed. Sing me my bedtime song, Mom.

I couldn't tell you how many hours. It was a labor of love.

What cameras? Why are you still here? I came to fight city hall. I want to shake things up, Patterson. Stir up some controversy. Rattle a few cages. Hey, stop that! You'll never silence me! I'm the last angry man, Patterson-- a crusader for the little guy! Leave the bird alone! Never!

I don't know. I just don't know.

We're all gonna be rich! We broke even! Mmm, that's good satire!

Now your job is to attach Krusty's bill to a more popular bill--

Do it again. Make the walls bleed. What ? - No. - Hey, man, we own you. Let's see some blood. - I don't have to entertain you. - Come on, man. Do it. Do the blood thing. Come on. Do it. - Do it, do it, do it, do it ! - Why are you trying to scare us ?

The cash register says, "N.R.A.4ever."

Tonight: A stowaway bear is terrorizing space shuttle astronauts.

Otto man? You're living in a Dumpster? Oh, man, I wish. Dumpster brand trash bins are top-of-the-line. This is just a Trash-co waste disposal unit. Come home with me. You can stay in our garage. A garage!

In the meantime, our counselors Dolph, jimbo and Kearney... will be happy to handle any problems you may have.

(LAUGHING MISCHIEVOUSLY) This prank is my Sgt. Pepper's. I see neither blushing bride nor ardent swain!

Bart, you promised you'd stop making that comparison! Per our agreement! (GROANS IN DISGUST) Knock-kneed home renters. Can't we thin this herd with some smallpox-infected blankets? We're already immune, you jerk!

Oh, I really felt there was a connection. And I would definitely go out with her again. He smelled like puke! The TV!

Uh, Mr. Burns I need to borrow money. Please, do go on. I know you're a good man and I have a dog that's very sick. Oh, please, continue. I thought maybe you-- Oh. Well, thanks for your time.

All right, I will. (UKULELE MUSIC PLAYING) That's why I don't listen to my brain.

Well, go ahead. Do your worst. He locked the door! I'll show him!

Well, I'll always have my crank calls. Hello? Old lady from Titanic? You stink!

Wait! You forgot your bear-- a symbol of your lost youth and innocence! Oh, well. At least we still have his little brother, George.

Hello, Police? This is Marge Simpson. My husband is on a murderous rampage. Over. Oh, well, thank God that's over. I was worried there for a second. No answer. Don't worry, Mom.

There's nothing to eat for breakfast! You gotta improvise, Lisa. Cloves, Tom Collins mix, frozen pie crust-- Mmm! Maybe Mom just doesn't realize we miss her. We could go down to the casino and let her know. Aw, come on, Lisa. There's no reason to-- Let's go see Mom.

not to your mother, not Rex Banner, not anyone! Rex Banner. What a dope! Yeah. Look at him try to aim that stupid gun.

Look at me! I'm acting young! Hey. This ain't so bad.

His father spoke out on his behalf. My Homer is not a Communist. He may be a liar, a pig, an idiot, a Communist-- But he is not a porn star!

Oh! I ain't fer it. I'm agin it! Main Street! Main Street! Main Street! All those in favor of Grampa Simpson's plan... for rebuilding Main Street, please-- You know, a town with money's a little like the mule with a spinning wheel. No one knows how he got it, and danged if he knows how to use it.

Please don't make me retire. My job is the only thing that keeps me alive. I never married, and my dog is dead. I'm not finished. Oh, yes, you are. Yaah!

Hey! A freak show! Oww! Thank you. Thank you very much.

Thanks, Bart. That makes it all worthwhile. - Is that your wallet? - D'oh!

I love you, Dad! Mmmmm. I am very upset with you. Sounds like someone's angling for a pony of her own. How come Lisa gets a pony? She stopped loving me. So get me a moped.

Hey, Coast Guard! Try and stop us now, you lousy Americans. We can't hear you! Come 300 feet closer! Nice try. You're not gonna nail us. But we just want to party. Oh, really? Then play some rock music.

Look, Junior, I expect this to be fixed with quality GM parts. But your car was built in Croatia. ts made from old Soviet tanks. Just fix it, Mr. Sass-wrench. Homer, please, the last thing you need is more enemies. Right, right. I'm counting the pennies in the ashtray.

Now everybody shut up and dance! Matty told Hatty About a thing she saw

Did I say "leg"? I meant that wet bathing suit. I'm afraid you'll need a cast on that broken bone. Ohh. I'm gonna miss the whole summer. Don't worry, boy. When you get a job like me, you'll miss every summer.

Excuse me. Yes? - Do you have a table for the mayor? - Yes! Why do you talk that way? I had a stroke.

You take that back, Barney. No, he's right, Homer. Stay out of this, old man. Dateline, Kent Brockman. i'm here at the scene of the Christmas burglary,

Shh! Don't shush me, you rich bastard!

Oh. Hmm. Oh, honey. Don't eat that. Wouldn't you rather have your sugar bag? No, I don't deserve sugar.

I'll take a hit, dealer. joker. You were supposed to take those out of the deck. Oh, sorry. Here's another one. What is this card? "Rules for Draw and Stud Poker?" What a pity, Mr. Bond. But-- Well, it was Homer's fault. I didn't lose. I never lose. Well, at least tell me the details of your plot for world domination.

Yeah, but what made the rain stop? I dunno. Buddha? Hey, they've suffered enough. Keep that popcorn chicken coming, Colonel. Mmm! Mmm! f God] Not bad.

You'll be my friend. I'm never, never gonna let you get away.

You never were, Grampa. Oh, I'd hug ya, but I know you'd just get embarrassed. I won't get embarrassed. I don't care who knows I love my grampa. Hey, fun boys! Get a room!

(GRUNTS) Lisa, what are you doing in there? Praying to Buddha, Jesus, SpongeBob. There's no time to be picky. Perhaps we should help. Screw her! (LAUGHS)

Then that glory hog took all the supplies and headed for the top alone. I fell 8,000 feet onto a pile of jagged rocks. Of course, folks were tougher in those days. I was jitterbugging that very night.

Perfect. Okay, guys. We push him out of the way in exactly three seconds. Should we correct for wind resistance? Hmm, possibly. What do you think? Oh, my.

Well, actually, we gave it all up for a pinball machine in the lounge. D'oh! Don't worry, Marge. America's health care system is second only to japan, Canada, Sweden, Great Britain-- well, all of Europe.

I won't turn to the comics. I won't turn to the comics. All right. I'll read one comic just to get me rollin'. Archie. "Hey, jughead, did you hear? The Supreme Court reversed"-- Mom, am I dumb? Honey, I'd love to reassure you,

Okay, Ron, which one of our girls said the following about you: "He looked so sexy, I hoped we would have sex"? Well, that's a tough one, 'cause I did the deed with Uta, Candy and Shasta. It's true, all right! But I'm gonna have to go with Shasta,

I'm riding a unicycle with my pants down. This should be every boy's dream. Ha-ha! Your dad's not handy. Son, are you okay? I brought a homemade first aid kit! It's spring-loaded for quick access. (SCREAMING)

Hey, Homer! The section you're supposed to be monitoring is on fire! Clowns are funny.

Now, who’s gonna be picking up the tab? Lenny. Anything for Homers.

Fiddle-dee-dee. That will require a tetanus shot. I'm not going to swear but I am going to kick this doghouse down! Dad, this is not a commentary on your skills but we bought you a new doghouse. With what money?

And the next marksman is William Tell, jr.! Jinx! Bart! Oh, I see Bart gets to have a gun. You lied to me! You promised to get rid of this gun. I put it in a safe place, Marge.

Boo ! Hey, what gives ? Boy, I tried ordering you. I tried punishing you. And, God help me, I even tried reasoning with you. And the only thing left for me to do is jump the gorge myself. Uh-- What ? Why ? Because that way you'll see what it's like... to witness a family member stupidly risking his life for no good reason.

- Huh ? - It's a raid ! What the-- YOu-- Hey, you !

He seems okay, but he is being burned internally. Hey, isn't that Homer on the japanese Channel?

The mating call of the loser. just a minute, Simpson. I think my son has a very good chance. Oh, yeah ? Wanna bet ? I'm not a betting man. Oh, I'm a chicken, am I ?

So television's responsible. Hey, we were watching that ! Mom, what are you doing ? Well, you won't be watching these cartoons anymore, ever ! But, Mom, if you take our cartoons away, we'll grow up without a sense of humor and be robots ! Really ? What kind of robots ?

From now on, I'll keep my eyes on the road and off my Kool & the Gang air freshener. Celebration's over, boys. (CAT SCREECHING) (THUD) (GASPS) Snowball! (SOBBING) Snowball II, I can't believe you're gone.

Good evening. I've been asked to tell you... that the following show is very scary, with stuff that might give your kids nightmares.

Hey, Homer, you wanna get a beer on the way home? I can't. I gotta take my wife to the ballet. Gonna go see the bear in the little car, huh? Hmm? Mmm, invisible cola. Mmm. Time to stick it to the man.

Hi there. My name's Lisa. What's yours?

America, take a good look at your beloved candidates. They're nothing but hideous space reptiles. It's true. We are aliens, but what are you going to do about it?

Maybe we should leave. Uh-uh. No way. I don't wanna miss a word. You don't know what they're saying. I'm picking it up. "Sala" seems to mean "jerk,"

You ate three desserts tonight. Forbearance is the watchword. That triumvirate of twinkies overwhelmed my resolve. There's another thing I want to talk about. Tut, tut, gentle Marge.

You've cut back on everything-- salaries, supplies, the food. I don't care what you say. I can taste the newspaper. Posh! Shredded newspapers add much needed roughage and essential inks. Besides, you didn't notice the old gym mats. There's very little meat in these gym mats.

Whoa, careful now. These are dangerous streets for us upper-lower- middle-class types, so avoid eye contact, watch your pocketbook, and suspect everyone. Three-card monte. Whoo-hoo! Easy money!

Nerd! You're goofy-looking. Whoa!

BART: Then the man... (KIDS SCREAM) BART AND MILLHOUSE: Then the woman... (KIDS SCREAM) (KIDS SCREAMING) (SCREAMING) Well, it's better they hear it from me now than from their parents when they're old enough.

Thanks for your help with the anchor, guys. Guys? That pig looks like Lenny. Hey! Mmm! That's the next best thing to eating Lenny.

One night only. Plus, the amazing, the astounding, the unbelievable Truckasaurus ! Twenty tons and four stories of car-crunching, fire-breathing... prehistoric insanity ! Whoa ! One night only. One night only. One night only at the Springfield Speedway this Saturday. If you miss this, you'd better be dead or in jail.

Dear Artie. Dear Hottie. Congratulations on your recent TV appearance. I wanna sex you up. Your love slave, Marge. You can't use the word "sex" on the Internet. Watch me.

And I'm Mrs. Homer Simpson.

Bill, bill, summons, bill-- Wait a minute. From C.M. Burns. This is it. Yes, this is it ! Whoo ! Whoo ! Marge, Lisa, Maggie ! Let's do this out in the yard where the neighbors can see.

Whoa! Homie, what's-- Marge, I'll explain to you afterwards.

Hey, Moe! Hey, you can't come in here dressed like that!

Perhaps you'd talk to Snappy the alligator? Maybe. Hello, Mr. Burns. Snappy, it's hard to imagine but I was once a barefoot boy with cheek of tan. I dreamed of grand slam home runs and wiping out nations with the stroke of a pen. There's still time for that.

(SCREAMING) Oh, what a view! (SCREAMING) Good ol' patch! You saved my life! Ahhh!

You know, you look a little flushed. Maybe you should eat more vegetables and less people. Uh-huh.

since the Middle Ages had no compact disks or Super Mario men,

I love this show. Well, well. Look who's come to apologize.

Our next award is sponsored by Heinrich's Bratwurst. "Papa, can we have a Heinrich's Bratwurst?" For outstanding composer age 10 and under, the winner is... Please let me win. ...Mozart. (CHEERING)

After all, you wouldn't be here today if I hadn't become the responsible head of a household. Can we have a can of frosting for lunch? Okay.

There goes a real sack of crap. Indubitably, old chum.

I'll get even with you. Hordes of panicky people seem to be evacuating the town... for some unknown reason. Professor, without knowing precisely what the danger is, would you say it's time for our viewers to crack each other's heads open... and feast on the goo inside?

Is it a crime to be illiterate ? All right, all right. See this, Krusty ? This is a B. And this is Exhibit B. Betting slips-- obtained by this court indicating you have lost... substantial sums of money on sports gambling. Is it a crime to bet on sporting events ? Yes, it is ! Oh.

In this cell sits Homer Simpson, the most villainous blackguard to be held in this tower since Edward the Puppy Eater. (ALL EXCLAIMING IN HORROR) Look at his great staring eyes. Like saucers they are. (IN MOCK BRITISH ACCENT) He claimed he was me father, he did. Bart, you're not helping.

I guess that fear I always had of you stealing Homer away is unfounded. (BOTH SPITTING) Marge, I'd be a lot more worried about me leaving you for a sausage patty than your sister, Patty. (LAUGHS) (SCREAMS) Next time it'll be your eye.

Homie, look at them. (FESTIVE MUSIC PLAYING) Honeymooners. No kids, no worries. Here's your future! (LAUGHING) Not me. I do crunches. Remember our honeymoon?

Oh! I love you, dumpster buns! (GULPS) BOTH: Dad? Huh? Oh, big surprise. The fat guy's eating garbage.

Honey, I am in my home. Oh. How was your day, sweetheart? Can you feel the love?

Aaaaaah !

D'oh! Stupid roller skate.

Looks like bad news for the... Impson family. Let's all calm down. Everyone's gonna be just fine, as long as I've got enough beers.

This is a perfect opportunity. We'll beat those Cavalry Kids by selling candy. I'm a brick. "We will crush you and smother your dreams. Yours in Christ, the Cavalry Kids."

I'm sorry. Krispy the Clown has been cast. But I will hire you for Angry the Clown, Silly Sailor and Dr. Clownius. I won't let you down! Well, I might let you down on Silly Sailor.

- I am. - You just made your second mistake, buddy boy!

Holy macaroni!

Mom?

"Max Power"? Dynamic, isn't it? I love it, Max. You changed your name without consulting me? That's the way Max Power is, Marge-- decisive, uncompromising and rude.

Hey, let's go over to the one-hour photo and breathe some fumes. Uh, excuse me, fellas. I-i-i couldn't help thinking... it might be nice if you could, uh, vamoose, you know-- if possible. Hello. Listen Lady.

Don't worry, Son. I'll get you a new elephant.

Here's a preview. God said to Noah build yourself an arky-arky Animals came on by onesies and twosies-twosies Elephants and kangaroosies-roosies

Imagine it, Smithers. Electrical lights and heaters running all day long. But, sir, every plant and tree will die. Owls will deafen us with incessant hooting. The town's sundial will be useless. Ahem. I don't want any part of this project. It's unconscionably fiendish. I will not suffer your insubordination.

My face is on fire!

Well, with all due respect, sir, I suppose you could come up with better fortune? Huh. Easy. Well? You will be aroused by a shampoo commercial. That's not bad. Come with me.

Got any spare change, man? Yes! And you ain't gettin' it! Everybody wants somethin' for nothin'. I'm old! Gimme, gimme, gimme!

Aw, hell! Diddily-ding-dong crap! Can't you morons do anything right?

Twelve glasses of water. That will wake me up nice and early. And I'll have a big head start on opening presents. Pure genius. You didn't invent that, Bart.

In fact, he takes me lots of places he hates. I told the witch doctor there's tightness iN my cheSt boom, boom, boom, boom I told the witch doctor he had to run A test Hi, sweetie. Hi, Dad! How was it? I went on a wild ride without ever leaving the building.

It's not their fault. I think their father is missing a chromosome. Miss Bouvier, while we were rescuing this boy, hoodlums made off with three bumper cars!

Yarr, ya scurvy dogs! Worst parents ever! Ha-ha!

Eeny, meeny, miny-- Blugh! Him! Attention, Homer Simpson. Attention, Homer Simpson. Wake up, Homer. What? Huh? What? You're fired. For what? For sleeping on the job. How did you know I was sleeping? We've been watching you on the surveillance camera. Camera? D'oh!

Oh, dear. It would be a shame if that pretty dress got wet. I'd say the greater danger is her scepter acting as a lightning rod. Unless it's made out of plastic. Nope. Metal. Ladies and gentlemen, Little Miss Springfield has been struck by lightning.

Hey! Mr. Prime Minister! Andy! Aye, mates? What's the good word?

They're burned on the outside, but they're frozen on the inside, so it balances out. Yeah, good.

Who's on first? Yes. Not the pronoun, but rather a player... with the unlikely name of Who is on first. Yes. Well, that's just great, Seymour. We've been out here six seconds. You've already managed to blow the routine. Sexless freak.

And those beautiful women? They used to be men. The point is, ya gotta squeeze every penny. Come on, let me hear you.

(ALL LAUGHING) (CHUCKLES) Huh? What the... Hmm. D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! I can't go on.

It's dignity! Gah! Don't you even know dignity when you see it? - Kirk, you're spitting! - Okay, genius, why don't you draw dignity? Oh, that's dignity, all right! That's great! Worthy of Webster's.

Thus ends the rule of law. Look at those looters breaking windows, setting fires! They're living my dream, and you won't let me join them! - Please, can I throw one little-- - No.

- Consider the charges dropped. - All right! Free nose jobs for everybody! Ay! You first. Give me a Van Heflin.

Halfback passes to the center. Back to the wing. Back to the center. Center holds it. Holds it. Holds it. Halfback passes to center! Back to wing! Back to center! Center holds it! Holds it! Holds it!

I'm not Krusty. To think I was gonna give you a ticket-- Krusty the Clown! I am not Krusty! Hey, Krusty, you remember that time we got loaded...

Sit down! Sit down! You're ruining it for everyone!

Hit the road, Lefty. You too, Rizzo. Oh, Cinnamon, don't make this harder than it already is.

Oh, Mr. Burns. You were too beautiful for this world. Oh, man. Oh, man. We killed Mr. Burns! Mr. Burns is gonna be so mad!

It passed the First test-- I didn't go blind.

It's a history lesson come to life! No, it isn't. It's totally inaccurate. Quiet! Here come the ninjas.

Oh, egads! My roast is ruined. But what if... I were to purchase fast food and disguise it as my own cooking? Delightfully devilish, Seymour. Ah--

I set the toaster to three-- medium brown. Let's go to... that line. But that's the longest. Yes, but look-- all pathetic single men. Only cash, no chitchat. Mmm!

But I was just going to-- The clown is down. Judge Snyder, motion to declare a writ of boys will be boys. Motion granted. Case dismissed! Whoo-hoo! All right. We got lucky that time.

Got A new daNcE and it gOes like this and the name of the dance is the peppermint twist yeah

And what better place to premiere their creation... than on The Tracy Ullman Show-- the nation's showcase for psychiatrist jokes... and musical comedy numbers. On April 19, 1987, America first met The Simpsons.

Hey, Dad, that light says "check engine." Uh-oh. Tape must've fallen off. There. Problem solved. Oh, come on!

Colonel Klink, why have you forsaken me? What is it? You have a question? Did you know Kinch had a radio in the coffee pot? He did? Mmm!

Simpson, we got a problem. The jazz pianist didn't show up. What am I supposed to do? Ow!

Get away from me.

A snake bit me. Back in line, maggot! Our arts and crafts center is, in actuality, a Dickensian workhouse.

It takes a whole weekend to do that. Oh. We must bait our hooks with honesty. That way a happy marriage won't be the one that got away. I see. I also understand bowling expressions. Ah, three couples. Our best turnout yet. Why don't we go around the room and everyone can introduce themselves...

We're up here out of range of the crashes and the drivers' cussin'. - Move your damn butt. - Bite me. Come on! Somebody crash!

(GRUNTS) (PANTING) (GRUNTS) (PANTING) (GRUNTS) (PANTING) (GRUNTS) (PANTING) This is no fun without Bart. (SIGHS) He used to watch me while I did this.

Homer, I got it! Johnny Tightlips, where'd they hit you? I ain't sayin' nothin'. But what do I tell the doctor? Tell him to suck a lemon.

Just a cotton-pickin' minute. I've been getting A's since Gymboree.

Now, you just let those ear drops sit for about 20 minutes.

Hey! We can get away in their pouches! Eew! It's not like in cartoons. Yeah. There's a lot more mucus.

Ooh! Marge, you don't have to humor me. Well, it's pretty ingrained.

714 names? Better be more specific. Lazy. Clumsy. Dimwitted. Monstrously ugly.

And if my banker's watching, let nothing stop you from payment of this check.

It's free. And when is this weekend?

Hi. I'm Ashley Grant.

Here's your quote. "Thomas Pynchon loved this book "almost as much as he loves cameras." Hey, over here! Have your picture taken with a reclusive author. Today only, we'll throw in a free autograph. But wait! There's more!

No way, man. But-- Son, if you don't come out, I can't hug you and kiss you and make you feel all better. You think I'm dumb enough to fall for that ? I'm insulted.

Gotcha. Well, gotta go. Me too. Uh, it's hard for us to leave when you're standing there, Mom. Push her down, Son.

I shouldn't be listenin' to complaints. I should be makin' 'em with you guys. The Good Lord lets us grow old for a reason. To gain the wisdom to find fault with everything he's made!

Nerd! You're goofy-looking.

Hey, according to the charter, as chief constable I'm supposed to get a pig every month... "and two comely lasses of virtue true." Keep the pig.

I don't think the guns are a good idea. Marge! We're responsible adults.

Wait. Rhinos don't come from eggs. What did you just see, Lisa? I know, but-- - What did you just see? - Hmph.

Till 6:00 a.m., my dearest darling, and my last day on earth. Ahh. 11:30 ! Oh, that's just great !

No! No! I won't take your blood ponies! Go on, sweeties. Go on. Shoo. (HISSING) Very well. You had your chance. I am going to shred you like a Christmas card! Now get out! I can't! My mom's not picking me up for an hour!

That's why I'm presenting this sworn affidavit... that Poochie will never, ever, ever return!

Okay, everybody. Grab on to something. All right. Here we go. Three, two, one. Make hatch blow now.

Yabba-dabba-doo!

Some Chinese people claimed they were celebrating New Year's in February. Oh, yeah. Those guys and their crazy scams. Good food though.

Adult programming all day, every day... except in Florida and Utah. Coming up next: Stardust Mammaries. Baby - I Ay, caramba ! Bart ! Dad ! Oh, here's what I was looking for. Blue chips closed up three and three-quarters.

Oh, no. I give up. There's nothin' we can do. Yeah. I agree. You wanna start on tryin' to get Apu out of jail? Okay.

But what I lack in size I make up for in... obnoxiousness.

Some of them act badly because they've had a hard life, Stampy! or have been mistreated. But, like people, some of them are just jerks. Stop that, Mr. Simpson.

Yeah, there's extensive cauliflowering. Well, your bow tie is just darling. Oh, well, thanks. Yeah, it kind of draws the eye away from the old mug. I like a face with character. Let's get out of here, Moe. This is going nowhere.

And we sit around like cattle, chewing our cuds, dreading the inevitable-- Food fight ! Come on, Lis ! What are you waiting for ? Chuck that spaghetti. I choose not to participate.

My ice cream sandwich! Then where the hell's the remote?

A blackout? Every time Santa and I get together it's a disaster. Oh, no, the power's out? We'll miss Fox Celebrity Boxing! I heard tonight they have Ed Bradley vs. Mister Ed. It's terrible-- all the traffic lights are out. Driving sure is dangerous. Yeah, tell me about it.

Flanders to God! Flanders to God! Get off your cloud and save my Todd! Yea! Thanks, God. Okilly-dokilly. What you doin', Ma? I'm looking for a film critic to help judge our festival.

So, uh, ain't you guys gonna ask me about my hat?

And with that, a mighty cheer went up from the heroes of Shelbyville. They'd banished the awful lemon tree forever because it was haunted. Now, let's all celebrate with a cool glass of turnip juice.

And for you fat kids, my exclusive program of diet and ridicule... will really get results. And the best part is, when you come to Kamp Krusty, you'll spend the summer with me! Honest Injun!

You're here 'cause your itchy and Scratchy cartoons are stinking up my ratings! Look at this breakdown of yesterday's show. Kaboom! What happened here? Lightning hit the transmitter? See, that's what I thought at first, but then-- Hey, shut up!

You're a veterinarian? That's right. And for an extra $20, I'll give Homer a tick bath and then spay him. Here you go, Doc. Bart! Shop around. You can't beat that price. You guys must have been pretty worried about me? Hey, we know you're tough, Dad. Remember that time you got lost in the forest?

That depends what you mean by "crisis."

We'll return for the remainder of the conclusion after these messages.

(MEWLING) Lousy cat! (SLAMS) Stupid Homer-hating family. At least there's one place I'm always welcome. MEN: For he's a jolly good fellow... Oh, guys. This is just what I needed.

This is not good. Aw, nuts. Huh? What? Oh, already? What the hell--

Have you been eating that sandwich again? Sandwich. Geez, we hardly made a dent in that 10-foot hoagie. Well, I'll give it a good home. Mm!

Bye-bye, Lisa Simpson.

I am the angel of death. The time of purification is at hand.

Listen, baby. I always get what I want. I said no. Oh, did ya? Oh, I completely misunderstood. Please accept our apologies.

Sure thing, mous-y. Nice follow-through. Now that's what I call a moon shot.

Let's see... I'll have 16 Gravy Scrape 'Ems, a bucket of Twisty Lard, and two Super Choker Breakfast Burritos with macho sauce. And mega-size it, please. SQUEAKY-VOICED TEEN: I could also deep-fry the bag. Great. And I'll have a Diet Coke deep-fried.

I can't divulge information about that customer's secret, illegal account. Oh, crap. I shouldn't have said he was a customer. Oh, crap! I shouldn't have said it was a secret. Oh, crap! I certainly shouldn't have said it was illegal. It's too hot today.

Bart, are you ready for your history test? Oh, you bet, Mom! Ask me anything. Okay. Who was George Washington Carver? Um, the guy who chopped up George Washington? Really? Wow?

Middle-- very pleasant. Oh, thank God. The dog's here. Pull me free, boy. Don't be scared. You can do it. Hey! Where you going? I'm your pal. I took you for a walk once.

- This place is great. - Mm-hmm. Hello, handsome. Nice muscles. Care for a rubdown? Oh! Well, I'm flattered but spoken for. Oh, what the heck. Give me your number. Dad, what have you done to your stomach?

and rotate my office so the window faces the hills. Uh-huh, uh-huh. Okay. Um, can you repeat the part of the stuff... where you said all about the... things? Uh, the things?

Wait. Wait, Marge. I can't find your father. Oh, Homer.

I cant believe it! Hibbert's turned you all into human guinea pigs! We prefer "Italian American pigs."

that's completely off-the-wall and swarming with magic robots? That's right. Yeah, good. And also you should win things by watching. Huh. You kids don't know what you want. That's why you're still kids-- 'cause you're stupid! just tell me what's wrong with the freakin' show!

Hey, cool. I'm dead ! Please hold on to the handrail. Do not spit over the side.

And white blood cells are attacking my clothes! Although I must admit they know where to stop. We'll have to lighten the ship, which means one of us has to stay behind. Bart? Lisa? Fine. Me.

This is not the way to get healthy ! No ! You don't understand, Simpsons ! People, please ! Boy.

Whoa-ho-ho! Not me! And not because john's gay, but because he's a sneak. He should at least have the good taste to mince around... and let everyone know that he's... that way. What on earth are you talking about? You know me, Marge. I like my beer cold, my TV loud... and my homosexuals flaming!

Do you have a bigger brother for me yet? Okay. I'll be back in an hour.

If there's A task that must be done don't turn your tail and run don't pout don't sob just do A half-assed Job

Doh ! I... can't... breathe ! Too many... chil... dren. Eyewitnesses estimate the man's weight... at somewhere between 400 and 500 pounds. On the lighter side of the news, and I use the term loosely--

I don't care. I'm going to Duff Gardens.

Uh, excuse me. No banging your head on the display case, please. It contains a very rare Mary Worth... in which she has advised a friend to commit suicide, thank you.

Aw, feelin' blue, eh? I got somethin' that'll cheer you up.

Guys, I am not cursed! Ow! Carl, let me die first. I couldn't bear to watch you die. Well, okay, but hurry up.

Ooh, ee, ooh, ah-ah Ting, Tang, walla-walla bing-baNg ooh, ee, ooh, ah-ah walla, bing-bang ting-ting too

Oh! She won't hold! She's breaking up! All done. If you survive, please come again.

Doh ! It's no use, fellas. Another comic book has returned to the earth from whence it came. We worked so hard, and now it's all gone.

- Oh, hello, Bobby. - jimmy.

- You're fired! - You can't fire me just because I'm married. I'm going to sue the pants off you.

Yes, Mrs. Skinner.

Homer, you're going to have to give up beer for a while. Bart, you'll have to get your hair cut for free at Springfield Barber College. No problemo. I'll give up my weekly lottery ticket and I can stretch the food budget.

Uh, I'm too nervous. You do it. No, you do it. No, you do it. No, you do it. No, you do it. You know, Simpson, I had a discomforting thought on the way over here.

Lise, I think I'm having a midlife crisis. If you're feeling depressed, do what I do and write something. A novel, a play... Or I could write something that's not gay. (GASPS) Bart, someone wrote something cynical on your shirt! Mmm-hmm. Let me wash it off.

Ptooh, their flower power-- it's no match for my glower power.

As much as I hate that man right now, you got to love that suit.

And now the winner is... "USA, A-OKay," by Trong Van Dinh. D-ohh! Miss Crowley, thank you for this oversized novelty check. I would like share this honor with all of my fellow essayists,

The wagon's too tall. Oh, I don't wanna have to get out. I'll just drive up on the curb. Blughh. Almost got it. Drop the food, Chief! Dang fools. Drive-through's not for a-Parkin'.

A big, dumb, balding, North American ape with no chin. And a short temper. I'll show you a big, dumb, balding ape ! Uh-oh. Kwyjibo on the loose. We come from Springfield and we sell swampland

Thar she blows. The catch of the day. Arr, har, har, har, har, har, har, har. Why, ye mutinous dogs. From this day, I be requiring hairnets. Arr. Arr. Arr.

Amen. Henry.

(GROANING) Stop! Friends, what Homer did was wrong but I've been thinking. Maybe I was just as wrong to give you those gifts. (GROANS) Hey!

Cool, man!

I... am a coward!

Well, Mom, one of us has scarfed down more than enough cupcakes over the past three decades to-- Bart ! just take mine. A simple cupcake will bring me no pleasure. - Oh, yeah ! - All right ! All right, class. From the top. One, and two, and three, and--

Look at that pig stuffing his face with doughnuts on my time!

I found a moon rock in my nose. Houston, we have a booger. Hey, loser, this planet's for space studs. Yeah, blast off. I know you. My daddy took your beer. Whoa! The baby can talk. I am not a baby.

Mayor Quimby supports revolving-door prisons. Mayor Quimby even released Sideshow Bob, a man twice convicted of attempted murder. Can you trust a man like Mayor Quimby? Vote Sideshow Bob for mayor.

That egg sandwich could have killed you by cholesterol. Forget it, Homer. While it has been established that eggs contain cholesterol, it has not yet been proven conclusively... that they actually raise the level of serum cholesterol in the human bloodstream. So one of those Egg Council creeps got to you too, huh? You got it all wrong, Homer. It's not like that.

I, uh, brought you a little present. No! No! Beer bring pain! I can't stand to see him like this!

Mom. Love ya lots! Good-bye, Lisa. Remember me as I am-- filled with murderous rage! Well, Son, I guess this is the end. But we've both had long, full lives.

I've decided to choose your bald Adonis. Really ? You're so supportive. I wish every teacher was like you. Marge, please. I don't take praise very well ! Oh ! Another triumph !

ventriloquist loni Anderson, Ooh! Spike Lee, and the always lovely and vivacious head of Kitty Carlisle. Hi, everybody! Let's start the game! Aah!

Son, this is a tradition. If you start building a balloon... for every flash-in-the-pan cartoon character, you'd turn the parade into a farce.

All righty. Uh, number one, I've lost the will to live. Oh, that's ridiculous, Moe. You've got lots to live for. Really? That's not what Reverend Lovejoy's been tellin' me. Wow! You're good. Thanks. Hi. it's me again. I got another problem.

In the first moments of a nuclear war, Springfield will be bombed at will... by all friendly nations to calibrate their missiles. Yea! Now for total security, I will terminate the cameraman. Thanks a lot, Steve!

Well? No, no, no. I guess not.

I just ate all the hot buttered corn.'" You like that one, baby? Sarah, what's wrong? Usually, after two or three "Truly Tasteless jokes," you're all over me. Manjula got to see La BohÈme. Sarah, please! Sarah, it's $10 a pill.

Perhaps. Or perhaps they'll blame the master criminal. You know, the one who's been working at the dam and has a grudge against Springfield. I know Cousin Merl has had his troubles with the revenuers, but he's hardly a master-- - Oh. You're referring to me. - Yes, I'm framing you. And I'm doing a really excellent job too.

- Oh! Everyone's off but us. - Oh, stop. Your father and I don't get the day off. Lenny says we've got the day off! Yippee! One snow angel coming up! Huh? Oh, why does that always happen?

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

No fooling? I'm from North Kilttown. Do you know Angus McCloud? Wait a minute. There's no Angus McCloud in North Kilttown! Why, you're not from Scotland at all! Ah, don't be daft. I was born in-- Hey, what the--

Boy, I can't wait to take some of the starch out of that stuffed shirt. Good morning and welcome to Nuclear Physics 101. I see a lot of new faces, but you know the old saying--

Adults! Kids! Adults! Kids! Adults! Kids!

Oh, he was supposed to be throwing out toys, but he seems to be hurling some sort of candy treats, Leeza. Wait a minute, Kent. That is not candy. That's fish guts. There's Santa! Over here, Santa! What did I do?

"Practically" ? It is stealing.

Eh, it's not the end of the world.

Okay, i think i figured this thing out. You go up and down, but not side to side, or back in time. Clothes! We're saved! - Oh, these have pleats. - just grab 'em! I'm okay, honey. Now listen very carefully.

No more fooling around. Paw, this is Bart. I wish for Simpsons to be rich and famous. Now you're talking. Yay! Yay!

All right, everyone! Disperse immediately! We are prepared to use force! What? What? We're not prepared, Eddie? - Get 'em! - Uh-oh. Someone call 911! Oh, they never come. Thus ends the rule of law.

Now, I'd like to digress from my prepared remarks... to discuss how I invented the "terlet." Terlet. Ha! Stop your snickering! I spent three years on that terlet!

I got an acting job from the third director I slept with. I play Lady Macbeth. I don't have to take my top off, but I do anyway. Well, I'm glad everything worked out so well. Yep. The Muntzes are back in business.

And we're poor because we have kids. And the biological method by which children are created by a man and a woman is... (BART SCREAMS)

Those auditioning for the role of Stanley, take off your shirts. Take off your shirts! Schnell! Schnell! Schnell! Uh-uh. Nope. Try joining a gym. Oh, ye gods!

Well, there's no easy way to say this. The new administration is shutting down Project Boy Band. Shutting it down? Permission to say "that's crazy," sir? You won't say it's crazy when you see next week's issue of Mad magazine. Oh, dear God.

We're wasting more energy than Ricky Martin's girlfriend. Hey-oh!

Ahh! WEll, I'm rappin' A.B. And I'm here to say if you wanna drink beeR duff's the only way I said the only way breakdown

"Postcard image, thing to see..." (RUMBLING) Gotta go, sweetie! But I didn't read my poem! Here's a poem. Run fast or lose your ass!

Why are you guys jumping to such ridiculous conclusions? Haven't you ever heard of Occam's Razor? The simplest explanation is probably the correct one. So what's the simplest explanation? I don't know. Maybe they're all reverse-vampires, and they have to get home before dark. Reverse-vampires!

My Homer is not a Communist. He may be a liar, a pig, an idiot, a Communist-- But he is not a porn star!

just a minute! Don't hang up!

that is very important to me. The Boy Scouts of America have molded men... for over 100 years, and-- - What are you-- - Oh! Uh, how's your wife Nancy? - Betty. - Who cares? Oh, Marge? I just had a couple of beers.

Look. I brought you some nice pudding. Ah, your flesh mother used to bring me pudding.

Rip-off! We paid for blood! Let's tear this place apart! Good idea!

Medical use of marijuana is legal in this state. We'll also provide you with a prescription bong. Do you want the wizard or the skull?

Lisa Simpson. Well, this could be fun. Let's watch it.

(SCREAMING)

Get ready, everybody. He's about to do something stupid.

- I shot him. - Well, that's a-- What? Now I'm goin' down to Emmett's fix-it shop-- to fix Emmett.

ANNOUNCER 1 ON TV: We now return to Robot Rumble on the Testosterone Network!

Also, I believe Job was right-handed. But, Reverend, I need to know. Is God punishing me? Ooh! Short answer-- yes, with an "if." Long answer-- no, with a "but." If you need additional solace, by the way, I've got a copy of something or other by Art Linkletter in my office.

We've met you many times, Miss Naegle. Why do you keep changing jobs? I'm a sexual predator.

the winner is... Please let me win. ...Mozart. (CHEERING) (SCOFFS) I can't stand it. Thank you. Thank you. I want to see you all next week at my concert in Krakow!

So I realized that being with my family is more important... than being cool. Dad, what you just said was powerfully uncool. You know what the song says. It's hip to be square. That song is so lame. So lame that it's... cool? No.

Ehh! I ain't readin' that. No, not that either. Okay. Let's bring on our first bachelor. All right, ladies. This sexy fellow describes himself as "a big, thirsty teddy bear." Say hello to Barney Gumble!

Now you try. Gettin' better.

Let's watch.

What's going on? What happened to our crops? I picked 'em, juiced 'em and delivered 'em to every store in town. Your business is saved. But there weren't enough vegetables left to fill that order.

Forget it. To get those tickets, our parents would have to be part... of Springfield's cultural elite. Can you believe Flanders threw out a perfectly good toothbrush? Eww.

Hell! Not the Wright Brothers' plane. The Smithsonian's gonna have my ass on a platter. Dad! Help! Hang on, boy! Daddy's coming to save you! D'oh!

I insist you take special care with my collection... of valuable and humorous bumper stickers-- Particularly this one, which was given to me by a Harrison Ford look-alike. No hablo ingles, seÑor.

You take that back! Homer, please. These boys sound very nice, but they're clearly nerds. Really? But nerds are my mortal enemy. Dad, nerds are nothing to fear. In fact, they've done some pretty memorable things. Some nerds of note include popcorn magnate Orville Redenbacher, rock star David Byrne and Supreme Court justice David Souter.

Er, uh, that is not my baby. (QUIMBY-LIKE) Er, uh, waa... Raise this as your own. This is the most exciting scandal since the Juice was on the loose! - The Juice is still on the loose. - (SCREAMS)

So you've got to think of a way I can come home for free. Hmm. You could travel for free if you were a stewardess. Well, how badly do you want to get home? All right, all right. How about a courier? They travel for free too. No, that's a terrier. They're dogs.

It's so thick! Your turn, Bart.

Can I buy that? Please? Well, you-- If you-- Really? Wha-- Ha! Hot dog! A sale! Huh? I'll take it from here, Gil. No! Wait! Ah, no! You can't take my sale!

Hello! That sounds like a pig fainting.

Help! I got-

Breath... short. Left arm... numb. Can't go on describing symptoms much longer. I think he's had a heart attack.

Whoa! Come on, kids. Let's try the lights.

Fans reacted to these... slapdash episodes with yawns. Angry yawns. Desperate to polish their tarnished image, the family agreed...

Homer 13 is spinning out of control! I'm going after him!

Hello. I'm Troy McClure. You may remember me from such movies as Cry Yuma and Here Comes the Coast Guard.

Hockey Dad rules! Feel the drunken wrath of Chuck Shadowski! Dad, stop! It's only assault. Don't make it murder! Ignore. Ignore. ANNOUNCER: You are a big man.

The review, "Play Enjoyed By All," speaks for itself. Hmm. Those auditioning for the role of Stanley, take off your shirts. Take off your shirts! Schnell! Schnell! Schnell!

What's for dinner? Well, neighboreenos, I guess this is good-bye.

Have you been eating that sandwich again? Sandwich.

What's going on? Edna Krabappel, you've been nominated for Teacher of the Year! Oh, my God! Ha-ha! You're crying! Nelson Muntz, you've been nominated for Bully of the Year. Thank you so much.

The '60s were long over, and people were once again ready... to feel bad about themselveS. Jesus is just all right with me I came to Springfield ready to roll up my sleeves and help my fellow man. There was just one fellow man I hadn't counted on.

Wait a minute. I didn't use that much poison. I mean, I didn't use that much poi, son, at the royal luau. Daddy, it's true. Uncle Claudius murdered you.

Where's the hose? Bringing up the rear. Oh! Are you as excited as I am? Oh, yeah! Well, here goes. And now we wait.

1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10,11,12. (GRUNTS) Nice try, boys. Now, as the Road Runner said to the Coyote, "Meep meep!" (MOANS) Everyone in town is wise to us. We need someone new we can prank.

Good. Tonight, the dog from Frasier is gonna ride the dolphin on SeaQuest. Well, Bart, because of you, a horrible yet innocent person is going to jail. Hmm. Maybe I should come forward. Oh, I can't wait till the sentencing part. That's where I really shine.

Okay, hang on, Homer. Two eye holes coming up. Easy. Easy. Too far. Homer, maybe I should drive. What? I can see fine.

Well, well, if it isn't Mr. Plow. Hey, Plow King, save some for me.

Oh, my German verb wheel. Ich esse. Ihr ist. Wir essen. When? When? Ich bin hungrig!

Simpson, we got a problem. The jazz pianist didn't show up. What am I supposed to do?

rockin' the casbah rock the casbah the Shareef don't like it rockin' the casbah rock the casbah by order of the prophet we Ban that boogie sound

Bad cops, bad cops Bad cops, bad cops bad cops, bad cops bad cops, bad cops springfield copS are on the take but what do you expect For the money we make

Homie, did you close the gate? Yes. Oh, you mean tonight. The dog will get out. Bart, close the gate! Oh, Lisa, close the gate! Close the gate, Maggie!

there's A thousand pretty women waitin' out there they're all livin' devil May care and I'm just A devil with love to spare Aah! So viva las vegas

I understand. We all do crazy things when we're desperate. I once destroyed Buddy Ebsen's credit rating. Why? He knows why. Jesus, Mary and glavin! These shoes are in the off position. You mean I danced all by myself? See, honey? All you needed was to believe-- What are you talkin' about, Professor Frink?

All right, Econo-Save, you just made the list.

Ach du Liebe! Das ist not eine booby. Is that story true, Grampa? Well, most of it.

I'm sure I'm alive, but why?

Okay, so you say your son is towheaded, button nose, mischievous smile, and maybe armed with a slingshot? Got it. We'll find him, ma'am. Looks like the kid who roughed up the Wilson widow.

Come on, Bart. If I can teach Maggie to waltz, I can teach you. just follow me. Put your hand on my hip. Okay.

What the bloody hell? Hit the road, gramps.

Would you do the honors? Well, Simpson, seven gone. As soon as you're in your pressboard coffin, I'll be the sole survivor, and the treasure will be mine. Over my dead body it will! That's exactly the point!

Over there.

You can't hide from me. She's gonna find us. O Lord, guide this cinder block. Homer, no! Uh-oh. My house!

Okay, everybody tuck your pants into your socks.

and he needs some help. Ow! No listenin'. You hear me? Uh, no. You just don't learn, do you? Ow!

Ha, ha! April Fools'.

Hey, Bart, want a dollar? Ah, ah, ah. You know what I wanna hear. i'm A little teapot short and stout this is my handle this is my Spout the itsy-bitsy spider went up the waterspout Oh, yeah. Love that spout medley.

I'm trying to impress people here, Lisa. You don't win friends with salad. You don't win friends with salad You don't win friends with salad You don't win friends with salad You don't win friends with salad You don't win friends with salad

Mmmmm... ohh... ahh...

You're sure she'll have fun here? Oh, of course. Babies love the ball room.

We're wasting more energy than Ricky Martin's girlfriend. Hey-oh!

hopefully not forever. This sucks!

Thank you. (HOMER STRUGGLING) Geezer Rock, An Appreciation in Verse. (LIGHT APPLAUSE) (GRUNTING)

My cans. My precious, antique cans. Aw, look what you done to 'em.

This is hopeless! They're gonna demolish our house for sure! We're gonna have to move into a Motel 6. But Dad can't afford six dollars a night. Hey! Lise! Lise, come here! I found Edgar Neubauer!

or we'll all agree to disband and join other families.

I've never seen them fight like that. I'm worried that all this posturing... and saber rattling could lead to a teachers' strike. Strike, eh? Ow! My bones are so brittle. But I always drink plenty of-- "Malk"?

Oh, crikey! You gave me a smash on the noggin last year. Not in my parlor, you don't. Aah! Me eyes! I'm scalded, I am! The mother's the voice of reason. Here come the cricket bats.

i'm A little teapot short and stout this is my handle this is my Spout the itsy-bitsy spider went up the waterspout Oh, yeah. Love that spout medley.

I'm thirsty. Checkmate, Mr. Trampoline.

Homer, with our help, you'll never touch a beer again.

Baby - I Ay, caramba ! Bart ! Dad ! Oh, here's what I was looking for. Blue chips closed up three and three-quarters. Oil service stocks slumped slightly on the news of-- Son, you shouldn't watch that other channel. It's only for mommies and daddies who love each other very much. Promise me you won't watch that channel ever again.

Simpson, I need a ride to the library. Yes, sir. Kids! Stop exploiting your father.

Please! I'm trying to drive! Hey, let's go to the girls' college! No. The Playboy Mansion. Playboy Mansion! Shut up! It's my car, and I say we're going to the lost city of gold. That's just drunk talk. Sweet, beautiful drunk talk.

4y f Theme Song]

What do I do? What do I do? If you want to go right move the joy stick left. Yes. Move the... What's a joy stick? Oh, oh! Here comes a Xylon cruiser! Go into hyperspace! Wait! Where's the hyperspace? Grandpa, you're the spaceship. I thought I was this guy.

The mayor's barf is worse than his bite. Ah, le mot juste.

Hey, Simpson ! Hey, how'd you get in here ? Eh, your door wasn't locked in any serious way. I wonder if you'd be interested in this car stereo ? A $500 value, but I'll let you have it for 40 bucks. Get out of my house ! I don't wanna associate with criminals !

Nope. Cubic Diamondium? Nope. Dioxy-ribo-diamondoid? Close but no cigar. Just plain diamonds! Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

No. The March primary. Mom, can we get a pretzel? We've got pretzels at home. Not cinnamon.

Don't spit on my cupcake and tell me it's frosting.

We need another Vietnam to thin out their ranks a little.

I don't like you-- I mean hate you. Hate you. Hate you. I hate you!

just relax and let the hooks do their work. What the hell are you smiling at? Oh. Now, in case all that smiling didn't cheer you up, there's one thing that never fails: a nice glass of warm milk, a little nap and a total frontal lobotomy.

That sucked! I can't believe The Gathering Shadow was senate redistricting. Worst Cosmic Wars ever! I will only see it three more times today. That's it! From now on, I'm not looking forward to anything! Oh, my God! Tomorrow, there's a two-for-one sale on piano benches!

Hey, Ray j. johnson never changed his act, and he's more popular now than he's ever been. Who? You can call him Ray. Or you can call him J. Or you can call him Ray j. But you doesn't have to call him-- I'm sick of him already. The point is, great artists are always trying new things,

Gill! Thank God it's you! You gotta help us! Well, that's what I'm here for. I mean, you're young, successful, you're naked. You want a car with a radio, right? You kids like music, right, huh?

Hey, who's driving the bus? Ooh! Una momento, por favor.

Whoops.

Die, monster!

Mmm, chocolate. People of Earth, this is Bartron-- commander of the Martian invasion force. Your planet is in our hands. Resistance is useless. We have captured your president. He was delicious. Why, you little...

Good God! Imagine it, Smithers. Electrical lights and heaters running all day long. But, sir, every plant and tree will die. Owls will deafen us with incessant hooting. The town's sundial will be useless. Ahem. I don't want any part of this project.

(RAPIDLY INTERLOCKING DOODLIES, DIDDLIES)

Hey, elephant, I got one word for you- Columbo! No, that's not it. Modesto! Daktari? Nintendo?

My only crime was driving a truck full of explosives in from Canada.

Oh, you'll find this amusing-- - the suit Charlie Chaplin was buried in. - Eww!

Did you change the locks when you moved in? I thought not. All the previous owners of this house could still be in here somewhere.

Greetings, friend. Do you wish to look as happy as me? Well, you've got the power inside you right now. So use it, and send one dollar to Happy Dude! 742 Evergreen Terrace, Springfield. Don't delay. Eternal happiness is just a dollar away.

Oh! You haven't changed at all! You're still evil. And when you're trying to be good, you're even more evil. I don't understand. Pigs need food. Engines need coolant. Dynamiters need dynamite. I'm supplying it to them at a tidy profit.

Oh. MacGyver's gay. Oh! You bad-mouthed MacGyver, didn't you? Ma-- Uh-- Ma-- Huh? What you doin', Marge? Making out the jury list for the film festival.

Well, hello, love. Give us a kiss then. You call that charming? "Hocus-croakus." Oh. Excellent, Lisa. A-plus. And we'll discuss your grade over breakfast.

Now that I'm a teacher, I've sewed patches on my elbows. Homer, that's supposed to be leather patches on a tweed blazer, not the other way around. You've ruined a perfectly good jacket. Ah, incorrect, Marge-- two perfectly good jackets.

That's just the sound of the pelota hitting the fronton. I find it soothing.

- Oh, oh, oh ! Me ! - Bart ? What about a robot with a human brain ? I don't know ! All these questions ! Is a little blind faith too much to ask ? Yea ! Don't forget next week. Remember to read--

Shot? By you? I'm afraid not, my primitive friend. Your kind has neither the cranial capacity, nor the opposable digits to operate a firearm. The one who shot me was-- M-Maggie Simpson!

Hello, little fella. Smithers, I believe this dog was in Skull and Bones. Whoa! Cool dog! Can he catch a Frisbee?

I was saying Boo-urns.

What happened to Grampa? He was supposed to babysit.

You're a liar, honey-- a dirty, rotten liar. Finish her! Finish her!

But first, a snack. (FIRES GUN)

If you've committed a crime and you want to confess, click "yes." Otherwise click "No." You have chosen "No," meaning you've committed a crime but don't want to confess. A paddy wagon is now speeding to your home. Hey! While you wait, why not buy a police cap or t-shirt? You have the right to remain fabulous.

Rest assured that I was on the Internet within minutes... registering my disgust throughout the world.

CompuGlobalHyperMeganet. junior vice president Homer Simpson speaking. How may I direct your call? It's Patty.

Now, then-- Computer, kill Flanders. Did I hear my name? My ears are burning. Good start. Now finish the job. Oh, you're busy. Catch you later, "computator." Oh, $5,000 for a computer, and it can't handle a simple assignment.

Night will come soon. There's gotta be a way to get back at Dad.

Now you got her, Bart. jump Lisa's king. I'm not Bart. I'm Rod Flanders. There you go with that smart mouth! Lisa, run outside and cut me a switch. Yes, sir!

Take it off! - All right, Dad. You've been warned. Let's go. - Hey! - Come on. - Easy.

(SINISTER TUNE PLAYING) (BANGING ON DOOR) I am Death. Death? We don't want any. I have come for Bart Simpson.

Thank you, Lord. Once I kill you, everyone will think I'm the real Homer. None of this seems odd to you?

Jingle bell, jingle bell jingle bell rock Lisa, you promised they'd be miserable. What the hell's going on? Oh, the pharmaceutical man come by and he shot us full of Christmas cheer. I can't feel nothing below my chin. Jingle bell, jingle bell jingle bell

Homer Simpson, defying all medical advice, has switched to Powersauce's archrival, the Vita-Peach Health Log. Doctors say he may not have the mega-nutrients needed to stave off death. Oh, Dad's gonna die, and it's all my fault.

Pinchy, I made you some risotto. What? You gotta be kidding me! Dad! What's your problem, veggie? You don't even eat lobster. No, but I enjoy the smell.

Milhouse! I didn't do it. I wished him well. I wished him well! Stupid dummy wasn't supposed to explode yet. There's the real Milhouse. Milhouse! Hey, you're not Milhouse.

Oh, Marge doesnt think I'm sexy. What am I supposed to do? Hmm. Suicide, eh? Hmm? That's it! Thank you, outdoor advertising!

All right, all right, smart guy. Oh, for crying out loud, I dropped one. Oh! Now it's in my shoe! Ow! Ow! Ooh! Ow! Ooh! Ow! Ooh!

Hey! I need those to see! These lenses are perfect. Now I can rebottom those antique Coke bottles. Three hundred-- - Hey! Come back. - Four hundred, 500, 600--

Piece of cake, son. Crap! Crap! Crap! Crap! Crap! Crap! Crap! Crap! Crap! Crap!

(CHANTING) Strike! Strike! Strike!

- Smokers are jokers. - Smokers are jokers!

Look at those poor saps back on land with their "laws" and "ethics." They'll never know the simple joys of a monkey knife fight. Give it to him, boy! Give it to him!

Why you little-- Why you big-- Bart, go to your room. I'm out of here.

N

Kiki, I'm tired oftrade-show modeling. My back really hurts. You seem unhappy, so I'm going to inject this smile solution into yourjaw. Did you just drug me? What the- Technically, it's a toxin. Mmm.

Hello ? Simpson, this is Sylvia Winfield. That canine of yours is in my pool again. I'm calling the dog warden right now ! Oh, are you ? Well, you go ahead... and call your precious dog warden, you old battle axe, because my dog is tied up in the backyard.

Too crazy to go outside. Not crazy enough to have imaginary friends. Why did Homer buy those? No one's ever gonna use 'em.

Yeah. Everything before the high-speed chase was just lovely. Hey. You're a good friend, Marge.

All right, where would you kids like to eat tonight?

Uh-oh. Sorry. Let me just get my girlfriend, and I'll go. Hey, Crystal, wake up!

My heart is pounding like Thor's hammer... on Dr. Doom's titanium infused faceplate! Hey, aren't you the guy who was stalking Lynda Carter? The term is "courting." The restraining order says "no, no," but her eyes say "yes, yes." Let's see what you've got, son.

Look at those looters breaking windows, setting fires! They're living my dream, and you won't let me join them!

All right! Special holiday meal. Where do you want these beef hearts? On the floor. It doesn't look very clean. just do your job, heart boy.

Smithers, guess what happened to me last night? I don't know, sir. You had sex with that old woman?

Now my good man, what do you like to play? Pokémon! Pokémon? Pokémon? With the pokey and the man... and the--

(RUMBLING) Oh, Marge, I'm giving birth to a food baby! - (RUMBLING) - Oh! I feel like something crawled inside me and took a crap. Bart, don't use that word... (GASPS) Crap! (ALL GAGGING)

Wha-- Hey, moose! Shoo! Yeah, I'm talkin' to you! Get off my lawn, now!

Well, I can picture the cheese, but, uh-- Do they have Krusty partially gelatinated nondairy gum-based beverages? Mm-hmm. They call 'em shakes. "Shakes." You don't know what you're gettin'. Well, I know what I'm gettin'-- some doughnuts. Uh, help me out of the booth, boys.

Thanks, Marge. Early morNing singing song And so concludes our tale. I'm Leonard Nimoy. Good night, and keep watching the skis!

Dad, why did you bring me to a gay steel mill? I don't know! This is a nightmare! You're all sick! Oh, be nice!

Breakfast! Breakfast? Cereal? You know I like my breakfast fried or chicken-fried.

You suppressed your rage for so long, it finally erupted as a massive public explosion. It sure did-diddilly-id. All right, all right. just watch it there. I'm here to help, you know. Now, I'd like to try something. Is there any person who makes you particularly angry?

Shut up, or I'll pound all of ya!

Hey, kids ! I spy Itchy and Scratchy off the port bow ! Hey, down in front. Shut up, boy. They fight, they bite They fight and bite and fight Fight, fight, fight Bite, bite, bite The Itchy & Scratchy Show

Wiggum forever! Barney never!

Here's good news. According to this article S.A.T. scores are declining at a slower rate. I think this paper is a flimsy hodgepodge of pie graphs, factoids and Larry King. This is the only paper in America not afraid to tell the truth-- that everything is just fine.

You get to see what they do during commercial breaks. We'll be right back with a special report... on soccer moms who hate soccer. Clear! Oh, Lord. I'm so fat.

Homer Simpson at the Super Bowl? Dang! That was my last quarterback. Now what am I gonna do? You! Me? Yeah, you. Get your hand off my wife's leg. Sorry.

Oh, jub jub. When I went to pick him up, Mom was trying to stab him with a hat pin. Shh! You make me feel you make me feel

I love you, Homer. Come here, you! Here you go, buddy. Did you walk the dog? Yeah, he buried me a couple of times. Yeah, dogs like to bury old junk. Yeah, you stupid idiot.

"Nuke The Whales"? You don't really believe that, do you? I don't know. Gotta nuke something. TouchÉ. You play the guitar? Oh, yeah. I'm a superstar. Would you play a song for me? Oh. Okay.

Nobody carjacked me.

Furious D?

Wow. I'll take that ring. And how will you be paying for it? I don't know.

The Wild Dingleberries?

Sonata in A, K331, Third Movement! I can't hear you! Sonata in A, K331, Third Movement! (PLAYING TURKISH RONDO)

(ALL LAUGHING)

- Oh, okay. Hello ! - Aah !

I think we should avoid each other from now on." "Max, what I did, I did because of alcohol and anger." "I'm tired of these jokes about my giant hand. The first such incident occurred in 1956 when"-- Hi, Homer. Mindy! Uh-- Oh, no, I'm sweating like Roger Ebert.

I wouldn't say King Milhouse is a loser, but that's the 12th girl he's struck out with this week. Boil him in oil! So no 10:30 show?

No, Artie, Artie. The best argument is that I've known and respected you for eight years, and I would be delighted to go to the prom with you. If you pinch your cheeks, they'll glow. A little more. Try to break some capillaries, dear. Couldn't we just use rouge for this ?

You! Homer, thank God. You gotta help me here. Oh, I'll help you. Help you die! Waaah! All right, that's it. You're goin' down, pal.

The Soviet Union? I thought you guys broke up. Yes! That's what we wanted you to think!

Hey ! Wha-- Come on, you stupid tube ! Hmm. Looks like there's a jam in Delta sector. It's too big to be human. Send down a few kids. That should dislodge it. Roger.

Rats. Ach! Me pile! It's been raped of its "bonny-ness." Hi, Willie. My board! It's Willie's board now. And she'll make a fine piece of kindlin'.

It's a beautiful day to kick your ass! You die now!

My Bologna has A first name it's h-o-m-e-r my Bologna has A second name it's h-o-m-e-r oh, I Scram! There goes the last lingering thread of my heterosexuality.

Oh. Better hurry up. Homer. Are you still awake ? - I've never been more awake in my life. - What's wrong ? Are you kidding ? I'm stuck in that dead-end job again,

Hey there! Anyway you want it-- Look at that. Everyone's livin' it up except Ned. Help! We're being carjacked. Don't get clever, old man. Now take us to Dress Barn.

My body is a temple.

Why? It's not like anything interesting happened to anyone else today.

Good night, everybody!

I like holding hands and dinner by candlelight and oh, yes, I really hate yo-yos. Oh, Woodrow! Maybe we should let the dog in.

Now here's-- Mr. Black. Thank you, Krusty, and welcome, children. I am Mr. Black, your head counselor.

Remember what I told ya. just one thing. - My car broke down. - I'm joe Namath. My car broke down. It was just vapor lock.

I'll have a Manhattan. Make Legs a Manhattan.

Aah ! - Uh-oh. Stop ! - Mmm ! Lunchtime ! Ha, ha, ha ! Lunchtime ! Aah !

No. - I'll be your friend. - No. Oh, you're mean.

What is this-- a Krusty the Clown? Ham, sausage and bacon, with a smidge of mayo. What? On white. You tell Mr. Saul Bellow the Nobel prize-winning Jewish novelist that I lost my appetite.

Hello, this is Bob "What the hell am I doing in Springfield" Hope. Hey, how about that Mayor Quimby? He's some golfer! His golf ball spends more time underwater than Greg Louganis. And now, I wanna show you what you're fighting for, if there was a war on. Little Miss Springfield.

Listen, Son. There's something I have to tell you about our robot. (DOORBELL RINGING) There it is! The thing that makes us respect Bart. (ALL EXCLAIM IN WONDER) You guys are just in time. My dad's about to tell me something important about our robot.

So, tell, tell, who's the lucky man? What does he do? (GASPS) Let me guess. Mmm. Does he work in customer support? You can guess all night and never get it. (INHALING DEEPLY) Her name's Veronica. But Veronica's a girl's name. Did you know that? I'm marrying a woman.

Good evening. Our old friend Noah Webster defines "laughter"... as "the act or sound of laughing." Ha-ha! Well illustrated, Nelson. And now, fasten your funny bones for Groundskeeper-- Oh. Or should I say "Grinskeeper"?

And these pills will help with the queasiness. Krusty? Dr. Hibbert, who was that man? Now, Bart, telling you...

You must be thirsty. Drink from my cauldron. Well, I was in the mood for something bubbling.

Oh, oh! How about Oklasoft? It's Oklahoma's fastest-growing software company.

We'll search out every place a sick, twisted, solitary misfit might run to. I'll start with Radio Shack. Right.

Homer! Relax. He's gorging. Okay, maybe not.

It's not my nature to complain, but so far today, we've had three movies, two filmstrips... and an hour and a half of magazine time. I just don't feel challenged. Of course we could make things more challenging, Lisa, but then the stupider students would be in here complaining, furrowing their brows in a vain attempt to understand the situation.

And if the ref's not looking, you can kick him a couple of times. Who's gonna knock you down? No one! When are you gonna fight back? Never! What are you gonna do? - Nothin'! - That's my boy! Man, you'd never get me into a ring. Boxing causes brain damage.

Bright Lights, Beef jerky. Help! Help! Police! Hey, I got problems of my own right now. Oh, boy. This is gonna get worse before it gets better. Next, we have Moe the bartender in Moe Better Booze.

Duh, I'm the captain. My son is Bart. What an oaf. How embarrassing. I'm glad he's not my father.

Take that, nuclear power pl-- Oh, fiddlesticks.

(ALL CHEERING)

Change the channel, Marge.

It's your children's future. Children are important. It'll cost you. Oh, the taxes. They're gonna raise taxes! Come on! All right. That's a good point. Oh, yeah. That sounds-- Oh, yeah, the taxes!

Mom, you said I could have one souvenir, right? Well, I want a didgeridoo.

Die, Krusty! Die-- Oh.

f Female Announcer] Howdy, partners. My name is Sheriff- f Homer's Voice f Lisa Simpson. f A nnouncer] i sure am hungry for my favorite food- f Homer's Voice] McNuggets.

Oh, crap! It's on fire! Inflammable means flammable? What a country! Can you drive me to Shelbyville Hospital? I reckon so. Hey! Somebody done "stolded" my wheels!

and wear frilly shirts like Keith Partridge. Keith Partridge? Who huddle! We'll do it! Yeah! Just send a cab for us. Is something wrong with your legs? You're right. The walk will do us good.

Yeah. It's a real ghost town in there. Get in there. I'd like to withdraw $10,000, please. "You are on television. Please play along." Are you robbing me? I'll pay you later.

after Bart somehow put this tattoo on my butt.

Wait a minute. That's bad! Look, I know I'm not witty like that critic guy, but does he know all the words to the Oscar Meyer song?

You know, I'm actually kind of glad I lost. Now I know losing isn't the end of the world. Hey, you still think we can be friends? Only if we're the best. I beat the smart kids I beat the smart kids I bent my wookie.

I kicked one of those stupid Itchy characters in the butt. Yeah, there's just no way to resist it, is there? I want all five T-shirts to say "Best Vacation Ever." Attention, Marge Simpson. Your son has been arrested. I'd be terribly embarrassed if I were that boy's mother.

Go to hell!

That's 'cause you're a screwup! You're the screwup! Why, you little-- All right! All right! That's it! We're goin' home. I'm sick of you and your stupid tonic! If I hadn't taken that stupid tonic 38 years ago, you'd have never been born and I'd have been happy.

However, I deem this rack-worthy.

This is it, Marge. I poured my heart and soul into this business, and now it's finally paying off. We're rich! Richer than astronauts! Homer, quiet! You'll queer the deal. Oh. Right. I reluctantly accept your proposal. Well, everyone always does. Buy him out, boys.

Um, uh, what town did we just crush? Shelbyville.

They was taking us to Capital City to see The Nutcracker. And I wandered away from the group, married a bear... and I started up my family. I told you I aint a bear! Rawr, rawr, rawr! No one understands you, She-Bear!

Uh-huh. Perfect. - But there's no room for you. - Cyohl

I regret nothing!

What's that guy doin' here? Lionel Hats, court-appointed attorney. I'll be defending you on the charge of... murder one! Wow. Even if I lose, I'll be famous.

just let your head flop back and forth. Your neck is a well-cooked piece of asparagus. We interrupt Sadrudin Mabaradad's Yoga Party for this special bulletin--

It was this majestic old redwood, which was brutally cut down last night-- not by loggers, but by lightning-- Lightning? Oh! At least it wasn't my fault. Lightning attracted by this metal bucket. Still unknown is the fate of tree-sitter Lisa Simpson.

Go away! There ain't no monorail, and there never was!

Oh, man. (CHUCKLES) Easy, Barney. Easy. Remember the 12 Steps. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10,11,12. (GRUNTS) Nice try, boys. Now, as the Road Runner said to the Coyote, "Meep meep!"

Homer, I got a really wicked idea that could get us into a lot of trouble. Oh! Mindy, we have to fight our temptation. No, Homer. Let's do it. Let's call room service! Oh.

great. I, um, just wanted to say... that I've done some research, and, uh, he was great.

The pie shall be cut in two. And each man shall receive... death. I'll eat the pie.

But I can't sleep.

Splendid, Batsy. You've done it again.

Ah, you know what? Cram some shrimp in too. Head to tail. That way you can fit more. How about some sauce? Thanks.

Go ahead, Ralphie. The stranger is offering you a treat. Mmm. Oh, Daddy! This tastes like Grandma! Holy Moses! It does taste like Grandma! I want more! Yeah, me too. We'll take a bushel or a pack or-- just give it to me!

Mavis, Brad-- No, this is true. The Coast Guard arrested Boy George... for scraping the barnacles off his dinghy.

Arnie Pie in the Sky with the morning commute. Traffic this morning is as bad as it gets. Due to a fire at the army testing lab, a bunch of escaped, infected monkeys are roaming the expressway. Despite the sweltering heat, don't unroll your windows, 'cause those monkeys seem confused and irritable.

Ooh, a trash can.

Hey, hurry it up with the cards, Lenny. I've got you clocked at two miles per hour. Come on, put that away. Those radar guns give you cancer. All the more reason to hurry up. Hey, what could be going 100 miles per--

There! Is that what you want, you smarmy little bastards? We want the truth! You want the truth? You can't handle the truth! No truth-handler, you! Bah! I deride your truth-handling abilities!

He will fix you up, and by this time tomorrow, we'll all be a happy family. Happy, happy, happy family! Maggie!

gentlemen." just picture them in their underwear. Whew! Ahh! "Grace under pressure... is no--"

Good-bye good-bye my coNey island baby That's my son up there! What, the balding fat-ass? Uh, no, the Hindu guy.

Help me, lord! I told you, Flanders has it! Or Moe. Go kill Moe. just give him the doughnut! Once he has it, that will be the end of all this horror! Well, okay. If it'll end horror.

Let's go. New tires. Come on. Come on. We're goin' as fast as we can, m-- Hey, who are you? Oh, how rude of me. My name is-- My bad.

My experiment? You're the one who came up with this whole idea--

So, what do you think of the Lady Krusty mustache-removal system now, Angelique? It's "Krusterrific," johnny Unitas. - But is my upper lip supposed to bleed like this? - Probably. At this rate, you'll be broke in a month.

We're not going anywhere except to bed. But my prediction says... You couldn't predict 6:00 at 5:30. Now, good night. (ALL SLAM DOORS) (SLAMS DOOR)

Who knows what adventures they'll have between now... and the time the show becomes unprofitable?

This is just a kickball with "Mars" written on it. Behold, the Red Planet! It was so exciting. I actually got applause for being smart. Mars, eh?

The town charter says that in an emergency, I run the show. Well, we'll just see about that. Let's go to town hall. Fine! Should we take one car, or should I follow you? Hey, according to the charter, as chief constable I'm supposed to get a pig every month... "and two comely lasses of virtue true."

(YAWNING)

Jamming

You and what army?

My dad may have gained a little weight, but he's not some kind of food-crazed maniac. Ah! Oh! That's raspberry. Oh.

Wow ! Wow ! What a saga ! Hey, you guys are hangin' on my every word. - I've become the center of attention. - Yeah, it's riveting. Tell it again, Homer. Okay. I wonder why stories of degradation and humiliation make you more popular.

Yeah, right. Like you're gonna let me go hungry. I'll be eating that pizza in five minutes. Bart, stop being confident. Doggone it! Ohh. Oh, Grampa. I'm starving! Somebody bring me some food quick!

Is there any way we can repay you? Well, I've always wanted to see a man with the IQ of a child executed by the state. We don't get that up here. Really? In America, we do it four times a week. You come on down, and I'll get us front row seats. I'd like that.

Circus peanuts, raisins, nicotine gum, a library card? You got all the good stuff. And yet I'm still not satisfied. (GRUNTS IN FRUSTRATION) You thieving hussy! (CHOKING) Ow!

First came baby Bart. Then, Lisa Simpson. And finally, Maggie. Eh!

This has been a Gracie Films presentation.

I bring you love. Is that the love between a man and a woman, or the love of a man for a fine Cuban cigar? Uh, I bring you love. It's bringing love! Don't let it get away! Break its legs!

I'll do it. To professionalism. Good morning, fellow employee. You'll notice that I am now a model worker.

It's powered by old newspapers, the machinery is made entirely of used cans, and the windows are from the old liquor bottles we collected. Hey! I thought I told you to stop licking my windows. I know. You told me. And when I woke up this morning, I said, "Barney, you're not gonna lick that man's--"

Marge, I got it all figured out. Lee Harvey Oswald wanted to steal the Jack Ruby! Jack Ruby was a man, not a jewel. (GROANING)

How can one ordinary man have so many enemies? I'm a people person... who drinks.

Mmm. Mmm! These are the juiciest frogs I've ever eaten. Mmm! Ra has rewarded my cruelty to the slaves. It's a plague, you moron! And we got lots more planned.

adults, you strut around like your farts don't stink adults, you're suCh a drooling, Snoring boozing, boring bunch surly, meanie three-martini lunchers I juSt ate A thumbtack adults, they're always telliNg us to-- Shut your traps

Well, I need something for my son's birthday.

Mom! Dad! Don't turn on the light! Don't turn on the light! There's a U.F.O. outside my window-- seriously. Oh, Bart. It's just an old golf umbrella stuck in a tree.

You're not the time, Kent! You're not the time! Where are we going, Mr. Simpson? I'll tell you where we're not going. Jail! Then you better turn. Uh-oh! Aaah! He's jumping out of the car, Kent!

No! All right. I tried. Fortunately, we have a perfectly good Fallout Boy right here. Jiminy jillickers. Jiminy jillickers. Jiminy jillickers! We're shutting down production. Yeah, well, we only have $1,000 left anyway. Ah, there's a $1,000 "leaving town" tax.

I think they want you to play McBain's sidekick in-- brace yourself-- the new McBain movie! McBain's sidekick? Hot damn! I'm going to Sea World! Selma, about you and Troy-- We're not sure he's all he seems.

Loudener. Oh! - Speed-Cocker. - Ooh! I like the sound of that. And this is for shooting down police helicopters.

Homer. Homer, I think I heard a noise.

Well, if that's gonna be your attitude, I'm not gonna untie you. Ha ! You're gonna have to sometime. Uh-oh. He's right. Don't you worry. I was ready for this little eventuality.

That way I can turn all these old baseball cards, Disney memorabilia... and antiques into something valuable. Homie, I'm really happy you sold your sculpture. But don't you think it may have been a fluke? Hey, I've always had an interest in art, dating back to my schoolgirl days... when I painted portrait after portrait of Ringo Starr.

I went to the record store today and they were playing all this music I never heard of. It was like the store had gone crazy. Hmm. Record stores have always seemed crazy to me, but it doesn't upset me. Music is none of my business. That's fine for you, Marge, but I used to rock and roll all night and party ev-er-y day.

But it will take more than belly fire to be the next Baryshnikov!

Who ? Oliver Klozoff. Hold on. I'll check. Oliver Klozoff ! Call for Oliver Klozoff ! And I made reservations at the Chez Paree. But, Homer, it's so expensive. It matters not, mon frere. And after desserts,

GATE ANNOUNCER: Attention Miami passengers,

Yay! Whee! It's a miracle no one was hurt. I stand on my record-- 15 crashes and not a single fatality. Let's see your license, pal. No can do. Never got one. If you need proof of my identity I wrote my name on my underwear. Oh, wait-- these aren't mine.

Oh. Prepare to be murdered. Huh? That's... Sanskrit for "your toes are like perfume." Voy a matar a usted. Wha? That's Spanish for "I am going to kill you." Say what? I do believe it's time...

Look, Dad. I don't know what's going on, but once you gave me some advice that might help. I gave you advice ? Get out of here. Yeah, you did. You told me when something's bothering you... and you're too damn stupid to know what to do, just keep your fool mouth shut. At least that way, you won't make things worse. Hmm. Good advice.

This document conforms to all applicable laws and statutes.

It's not our fault our generation has short attention spans. We watch an appalling amount of TV. Don't you ever, ever talk that way about television. You lousy, ungrateful can't-keep-their, what-do-you-call-it... minds on any, uh...

Maggie, time to go to the--

Great story. Positively spellbinding. Work, damn you. Work ! Bart, pay attention ! You may be telling this to your own son one day if something breaks. Ooh. Lost a few. Oh. Well, there's plenty more where that came from. Uh-oh. A zit.

It's chili! Oh, my God! I'm missing the Chili Cook-Off! I'm missing the cook-off. It's going on right now, and I'm missing it.

And poor Ned didn't get a chance to say good-bye. Well, from now on, I'm never gonna let you leave the room... without telling you how much I love you, and how truly special--

I'll show you! Oh, my.

Ay, ay, es Homer Simpson. Me ha molestado. ¡Oh!

But, Marge, we're college guys, and we're up to no good. Mr. Simpson, Gary spilled his ear medicine. Oh, those baby ducks were so cute. I can't believe they let us walk right up and feed them. I need to go to the bathroom. We stopped five minutes ago. Someone knocked on the door, and I couldn't go.

I'm afraid that's insufficient. Officer, arrest the baby. Yeah, right, Pops. No jury in the world's gonna convict a baby. Hmm, maybe Texas. Besides, she didn't mean it. It was an accident.

until my life was saved by this sweet little kitty. Ooh. But as for you, Santa's Little Helper, you are a selfish coward and a bad dog! Get out! And stay out!

Where's Otis? He's not in his cell. - I shot him. - Well, that's a-- What? Now I'm goin' down to Emmett's fix-it shop-- to fix Emmett.

You'll have to shut down the mall. On President's Day weekend? Are you crazy? Crazy with concern for the public, yes. Now shut this place down before the old folks come in for their morning walk.

Hmm. We didn't have a message when we left. How very odd.

I got it! Whoo-hoo! I mean, splendid.

He's hurt. Go, go, gol These are Homer's friends and family. They dont want him dead. They just want him to suffer. Thank you, Lord.

eight-- eight-- eight-- Ohh! Will this horrible year never end? We've never lost a year before, and I'll be damned if we're gonna lose one on my shift. Seven, six, five, four, three, two, one!

Marge, I'm feeling a lot of shame right now. I'm hearing that you feel a lot of shame. And I feel that you hear my shame. I'm feeling annoyance and frustration, but also tolerance. I feel validated by that. Good. I'm glad we had this talk. Me too.

North Haverbrook. Where have I heard that name before? Oh, no. Oh, no! There he is-- seat 3-F!

He's right!

No, Mr. Simpson. Don't take your anger out on me. Get back! Get back! M-Mr. Simpson, no! Marge, kids, everything's gonna be just fine. Now, go upstairs and pack your bags. We're gonna start a new life under the sea.

I could have been the flower girl... and I wouldn't keep falling down either. Hey, they chose Maggie, okay? If you want to go for cutesyness... instead of competence, fine.

Sir, I studied under Ed McMahon. How about a drinkin' contest, boy?

- Please, can I throw one little-- - No. What if I just burn down a-- No. Can I at least incite further-- No. I've caused enough trouble already by plugging in that Santa Claus. No more irresponsible behavior. Can I have a beer? All right. - But not the imported. - Homer! You've got to set limits, Marge. No beer!

You may remember me from such medical films as Alice Doesn't Live Anymore... and Mommy, What's Wrong with that Man's Face? But Mr. McClure, what is D.N.A.? What the-- Oh, hi, Billy. Let's find out together. D.N.A. is God's recipe for making you.

I am not a baby. Tell it to The Ear, baby. Good one, guys. - Simpson, go kiss the Virtual Ass. - Yes, sir. You poor little boy! Ah, no. He'll be fine.

Well, neighbor I see you've got your running shoes on. That's a good thing.

(SCHOOL BELL RINGING) (HORN BELLOWING) (BEEPING) (INSTRUMENTS PLAYING)

This better work, boy. I don't wanna wind up... working on your mother's emu farm. Don't worry. This is the score we've been dreaming about. The grease traps in this kitchen have never been emptied. Okay, turn on the suction.

Milhouse, quick! Look out! Bart! Ow! Mom! Hurry up, Bart!

Yeah. The way I was headed, it was just a matter of time... before i wound up in front of a judge. What the-- They gave me a choice: jail, the army, or apologizing to the judge and the old lady.

What do you mean, the bank is out of money? Insolvent? You only have enough cash for the next three customers? Wait a minute! j-j-just a second here! No. No. I don't have your money here. It's in Bill's house a-a-and Fred's house.

Nuts to this. I'll just go get Homer Simpson. I think Smithers picked me because of my motivational skills. Everyone always says they have to work a lot harder when I'm around.

Hmm, I don't know. I guess one person can make a difference, but most of the time they probably shouldn't. Well, uh, I guess that settles that. I'd like to alert our affiliates that we will be ending our show early tonight. join us tomorrow when our topic will be "Religion: Which is the One True Faith ?"

Any experience? Yes. I played Panicky Idiot Number Two in The Poseidon Adventure. Sorry, we're looking for more of a "duh, duh" idiot. But-- I see. Hello, Barney. Are you playing the town drunk?

Come here, you butterball. Don't make me run! I'm full of chocolate!

(GROANS) (GROANS) Now, I must bury my son while you wander the earth forever with the mark of evil upon your face. (CROWD GASPS)

First of all, he's not a genius. He's an actor. And second: he's not much of an actor. You're lying. You're lying! No, this is lying: that was a well-plotted piece of non-claptrap... that never made me retch. No!

I'm giving you the beating of your life! Look, if-- Stop that. If you wanted him that badly, why didn't you just say so? Smithers, dismember the corpse and send his widow a corsage. Whoo-hoo! I'm a college man! I won't need my high school diploma anymore!

And the winner is nature's greatest killing machine, man! (BOOING) Show me where in the rulebook it says that a human can't be a robot. Right here. Rule One. Well, then... Join us next week for more inconclusive action on Robot Rumble!

Through there! So, come crawling back, eh? Seems like the classy thing to do would be not to call attention to it.

You'll be reunited with your chums, Nelson, jimbo, D-- Oh, dear God! I guess I've always used violence as a way of getting attention. Yes. Yes. Me too. Oh. Aw.

No more living vicariously through my girlfriends.

just give him a day or two, and I'm sure he'll be back to his old dynamic self! Okay. Attention, H.O.-scale passengers. The dining car is closed. Root beer is still available, but the cost is now 6.50.

Murdered?

You monster! Oh, my great, good God. Gentlemen, your attention, please. I am detecting a gigantic amphibious life-form. It's 80 meters long, and it's heading this way. Oh, good glavin! It's on my shoe!

No lighter? Nothing? Oh! Wait. I got it. D'oh!

Ha-ha!

Ah, Homer, I hope Crusher and Low Blow didn't hurt you.

The year is 1939. 19-- 1939? Oh, my God! I've gone back in time! I've got to warn everybody about Hitler!

The term "soccer mom" is thrown around all too often these days. But the nominees in our next category-- Where are we going? Uh, for frosty chocolate milk shakes! Frosty chocolate milk shakes!

Simpson, you were going 100 in a 25 zone, and you're not gonna flirt your way out of this one. But I have to get to the airport to save my marriage! Really? Well, why didn't you say so? Let's roll! You didn't work this hard to save my marriage. Again with that. Wake up, Lou. She was way out of your league.

Oh, they drugged the tea. They knew my one weakness. Hello, Number Five. How's every little thing?

For once maybe someone will call me "sir" without adding, "You're making a scene."

Watching my television, sitting on my couch. You'd better not be in my ass groove! Homer! It took me years to forge that groove. One of them's playing my saxophone. Oh, no. The spit valve!

Capitol City? You can't move that far. You're my best friend! What's your mom making? I'll match it! It's too late, Bart. My mom's already transferred her 401K. No!

Hey, I-- That-- Oh. Gee, I hate to let you down, Casanova, but, uh, no receipt, no return. I'll give you four bucks for it. Very well. I must hurry back to my comic book store, where I dispense the insults rather than absorb them.

Ah, the mirthless laugh of the damned. Hold your nose, Smithers. We're going in. Watch me blend in. Barkeep, some cheap domestic beer for me and my buddy here. I'm not your buddy, you greedy old reptile. Smithers, who is this saucy fellow?

They have a zipper from every James Bond! Why are we even going? Last year, Uncle Tyrone was bitter and depressed. Happy birthday to you Why won't I die? We're staying at the Dayton Arms Hotel.

Well, aren't you being a tad melodramatic, Ned? Also, I believe Job was right-handed. But, Reverend, I need to know. Is God punishing me? Ooh! Short answer-- yes, with an "if." Long answer-- no, with a "but."

Ach! Those morons make me so angry. Maybe so. But I'd appreciate it if you didn't call them morons. But they are morons. - What grown person could believe in angels? - Well, your mother, for one.

In the wake of the devastating eruption,

I'm in. Let's see your cards. Oh, I was bluffing. Come to papa! Wait a minute. You have a straight flush, Homer! G'oh! You do this every time, ya-- Oh, you-- Chokin' on my own rage, here.

No, no, Ralph. This means you're failing English. Me fail English? That's "unpossible."

From now on we use regular toilet paper, not that fancy quilted kind. And only one of you kids can go to college. Fine.

Bart, I'm going to get you-- some ice cream at the store... since I'm saving so much money on diet cola.

I'd like you to meet-- Aah! It's Sideshow Bob! What the..? I'm afraid their reaction is understandable. Bart is the shamus in short pants who sent me to prison. Your new boyfriend here framed Krusty the Clown... for armed robbery.

Say your prayers, plow boy!

Then he said, "How about Saturday?" I said, "Fine." True story. Yeah. I used to open for Krusty in '69. In fact, he fired me, as I recall. Oh, Sting. But this isn't about show business. This is about some kid down a hole or something. We gotta do what we can.

So, what was it you wanted to tell me, son ? Oh, nothing, Pop.

But I have seen a lot of movies.

I slowly learned the intricate mysteries of the alley, like where the pins go after they're knocked down.

This is my real voice. I'm Leon Compowski. I'm a bricklayer from New jersey. All my life I was angry, until one day I talked like this. All of a sudden everybody was smiling at me.

Oh, I guess it's back to good old-fashioned voodoo. Wow! I need a drink! Come with me.

Hmm, Krusty Hotline.

Pretty clever! Oh, something is definitely wrong with this hallway. Come on in! It's your master bedroom! Ow! My nose! Well, I've seen about enough. So, Flanders, what do you think of the house that love built?

One day, my lady Selma's gonna have a star right next to mine, so watch out, Laszlo Panaflex.

Whoo-hoo.

For instance, True Believer. I actually worked in a law firm for two months. And in the film Chaplin-- I had a little cameo in that-- I actually traveled in time back to the '20s where-- Well, I-i've said too much. Welcome aboard. Hm? Hm? Hm? Hm? Good morning, sir.

- Well, you have to admit, he is charismatic, sir. - Oh, "bollish." Anyone can lead a conga line. Hop to it, Smithers! Conga, conga, conga we love monty burns more conga like you mean it please don't make me shock you

Milhouse! Milhouse! Milhouse! Hey, if you want cool, check this out. Everybody if you can do the bartman Shake your body turn it out if you cancan Do the bartman, yeah That is so 1991.

Freeze, goombahs. We're shutting you down, you filthy i-talians. It's Italian-Americans. Right, right. Filthy i-talian-Americans. Gentlemen, if you would simply consult my dear friend Mayor Quimby, I am confident this can be-- Not this time, Fat Tony.

You win your choice of $10,000 Or-- What's our gag prize this week, Bill? A full-grown African elephant. Well, all that money sounds mighty tempting, Marty, but I think I'm gonna have to go with the elephant.

MAN: Talkin' 'bout my generation I hope I die before I get old CALCULATOR: Y? Y? Y?

Don't you ever come near my daughter again! Never have I heard such gratuitous use of the word "butt"! But-- But-- But-- But-- But-- But--

With the sun-blocker in place and the town aghast, I was on top of the world.

Not a chance. No one can silence me but me! That arranged can be. Wha-- Aaah! Yes! Fight and struggle. If I know me, he won't like being kicked in the crotch.

Hi there.

Everybody, look at the much needed rain! Thank you, God! Now turn the rainwater into wine!

C... A... P... uh, I-- - Oh, come to bed, Homey. - Sorry, honey. I'm just a little nervous. Mmm.

Most folk'll never lose a toe and then again, Some folk'll Like Cletus the Slack-jawed Yokel Hey. You know what? I could call my ma while I'm up here. Hey, Ma! Get off the dang roof!

That board with the nail in it may have defeated us, but the humans won't stop there. They'll make bigger boards and bigger nails.

Ha!

But this time, he's gone too far! We want Krusty! We want Krusty! We want Krusty! Yeah, we want Krunchy! We want Krunchy!

Sherri, Terri. The only thing sweeter than you two, are these stolen cookies. Enjoy. (BOTH GIGGLING) Thank you, Nelson. Thank you, Nelson. (SCREAMING)

I'm an anonymous whistle blower. I worked on a top-secret project called Operation Hoyvin-Mayvin. Professor Frink? Oh, what gave me away? Out of curiosity, was it the "hoyvin" or the "mayvin"? Or was it the whole "ga-hoyvie" thing that I do?

Hello, Mother. Hello, Father. I missed you during my uneventful absence. Oh, Lisa, you and your stories.

I wanted a peanut. Twenty dollars can buy many peanuts. Explain how. Money can be exchanged for goods and services. Whoo-hoo! Whoa!

Hurry. Fire him now or I'll disown you. You'll lose everything. The fabulous toys, a lifetime of wealth and luxury, the gift certificate from Blockbuster Video, the freedom to do whatever you want. I'll miss you, Son.

Testing. Testing one-tw0-three. Oh, my. Do I sound like that? Hey, it does work. I bet you could have a lot of fun with this. Why don't you go show your father? Mmm, chocolate. D'oh!

That's my husband! He's our husband now. Yea! I'm glad I'm back... because the moment that sweet, sweet beer hit my tongue, I was born again! Hallelujah! Now I can show all of you what I've come to realize.

I swear, Monty. You are the devil himself.

Uh, well, I was born in Indiana. So that ain't it. And, uh-- Hmm. I better call my lifeline. Hello? Hey, Moe. We're watching you on TV! Yeah, I know, Homer. So, how's that bowel obstruction doing?

which he believes gives him sexual powers. Hey, that's a half-truth.

Get your germ lab out of here! Now! Now! How could I not become a radical... when we were fighting a force of pure evil?

Yes! With my bills paid off, I can finally quit this lousy job. But, Homer, how are you gonna make a living? Don't worry about Homer J. I've got a plan. A plan that'll fix you good. Hey, what did we do? Sorry. That just slipped out. I'll miss ya.

Don't worry. I am well protected. Boy, when Lisa comes in, I want you to make a big fuss over how she looks. She'll see through me like Grandma's underpants.

Dateline, Kent Brockman. i'm here at the scene of the Christmas burglary,

Duff wholeheartedly supports the designated driver program. Now, who wants to party?

Is that Duncan? Not anymore. Ladies, say hello to-- Furious D?

Seems like I'm spending all my money on religious pay-per-view. Or, as I like to call it, "pray-per-view." Damn your sparkling wordplay! And bless your humble home.

Soup's on ! Hurry up, or it'll get that icky skin on the top. Ooh, I hate that icky soup skin. Okay, right after dinner it's down to business. Mmm. Marge, would you get me another beer, please ? In a second, Homer. Lisa has some good news.

Whatever!

Oh, you must be sick. Let's see. What's old Doc Washburn prescribe? Do you have dropsy? The grippe? Scrofula? The vapors? jungle rot? Dandy fever? Poor man's gout? Housemaid's knee? Climatic poopow? The staggers? Dum-dum fever?

Whoop! I can see everything, and they're none the wiser. Oh?

Hi! Are you interested in a subscription to the Shopper? Low introductory rates! No, you gotta help ol' Gil. What's it gonna take to keep you on the phone? Dance for ya? But you wouldn't even see it. YOu-- All right. I'm dancin'!

Good Lord. I may lose Edna forever. I've got to stop her from winning. Then she'll be broken, miserable and mine.

Thank you. Thank you.

Um, can you repeat the part of the stuff... where you said all about the... things? Uh, the things?

Stay strong, men. The United States is due to win a war sometime. Oh, good Lord! It a Swingline! (GASPS) (SCREAMS) Medic! (GROANS) (BOTH STRAINING) Skinner!

I can't promise I'll try, but I'll try to try.

Spring forth, burly protector, and save me!

One show only. Tickets will go fast, very fast. So your parents should be getting in line. If you don't come, Roofi will be sad. And the helpful bear, she will die! (COUGHING) Tickets, tickets buy them now

and the truth!

Hey-hey! Hey-hey! Hey-hey! Hey-hey-- Hey hey-- So hot. So sticky. Marge? I'm back here.

Oh, you wanna rock fight, eh? No, Homer, I just need to talk. Okay. Be right down. I just keep replaying the whole thing in my head. I can't believe my last words to Maude were, "No foot-longs."

You trash-eatin' stink bags! Uh-oh. What did you call us? I don't know. A lot of people were yelling stuff. Yeah, you called us "trash-eating stink bags." Didn't you learn anything from Love Day? That was yesterday, moron. Good news, everyone. I got in a fight with the garbagemen,

Okay. Whatever takes my mind off my life.

At the last moment, Smithers, drunk as a lemur, lurched out of the darkness and fired! That's right. Right before I shot jasper. Hmm. I was busy that night.

I feel that you should shut up. You know, you really irritate me, Skinner. What with your store-bought haircut and excellent posture. - Mister, I can't stand the sound of your voice. - Oh, really? Oh, now, now. There's no need to resort to violence. Aw, sure there is.

You personally stand to lose 44 million dollars. Oy! Bart, from now on, the baby sleeps in the crib. Crib! Crib! I'm a baby! All right, I know how to handle this.

Someone is charging room service to the company, sir.

Oh, that's wonderful! And look-- new hair! I'm this close to having a comb-over. Oh!

Well, well. Look who it is-- Mr. "I Don't Need Alcohol to Enjoy Life." We hate 'im, right, fellas? Moe, gimme a beer. Hey, everybody! Homer's back.

You think you can do it?

Hey, Barney, am I a pig ? You're no more of a pig than I am. Oh, no ! See ? You're a pig. Barney's a pig. Larry's a pig. We're all pigs.

That's true, but he shouldn't say it.

Doh ! Whoo ! Doh ! Whoo ! Doh ! Whoo ! Doh ! Whoo ! Doh ! Whoo-hoo ! Doh ! Whoo-hoo ! Doh ! Whoo-hoo ! Whoo-hoo !

The story of our national parks begins in 1872. Perhaps we should let john Muir tell the tale.

Hey. What the hell is that geek Flanders doing on TV? Oh, I see by the big board we got a Negative Nellie in Sector 2. I'm afraid I'm gonna have to ask the whole family to kind of freeze... and prepare for re-Neducation. Don't you remember, Dad? Flanders is the unquestioned lord and master of the world.

I want it to be for something worthwhile, not because of some obnoxious fad. Obnoxious fad? Ah, don't worry, Son. You know, they said the same thing about Urkel. That little snot boy. I'd like to smack that kid!

It's funny because it's true.

I've got it! No fires! Oh. There must be a way to outsmart them. Ah, you can't outsmart carnival folk. They're the cleverest folk in the world. just look at the way they sucker regular folk with those crooked games. That's it. Fire!

Well, you are a very lucky man, Apu. You see, the bullet ricocheted off another bullet... that was lodged in your chest from a previous robbery. Apu, you saved my life. And as a small token of my appreciation, I got you your job back at the Kwik-E-Mart. Oh! Oh, Mr. Woods, you're--

Coming up next on A.M. Springfield. Oh, my goodness. That was a long movie. It's time for school. Let's go! Let's go! Uh, can't make it in today, Mr. Smithers. I have smallpox. Well, it wasn't wiped out in my house!

What do we want? More equitable treatment in the hands of management! When do we want it? Soon! Where's my burrito? Where's my burrito? Where's my burrito? Ow!

Oh, my God. It's our high school prom-- And once again I have no date. Simpson. Hello, Dondelinger. You're not on the guest list, Simpson. Orders of prom king Ziff. And have you been drinking? Just for 25 years. Let's go, mister. Share

Hey, Homer. Hey, Homer. Hey, Homer. Hey, Homer. Hey, Homer. Hey, Homer. Hey, Homer. Aaaaahh! Hey, Homer. Hey, Homer. Hiya, Homer! What's the matter? Aaaaaaahhh! Sneakin' out the back way

Ah, music and art. What in blazes? Good Lord! That's a 900 number. Let's see what's in the newspaper today. Hmm. Canada stalls on trade pact.

Which one's the mouse? Itchy. Itchy's a jerk. Yeah.

You monster! (SCREAMING) We placed a compliance chip in the back of your neck during the company physical.

Mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm. I really did it once. Yes, yes. I just wish you had the power to leave my store.

Oh. My picture with Snow White. You know, she's just an actress. Shut up! Some of us prefer illusion to despair.

Freedom, love and peace.

Well ? - Don't people answer the door these days ? - Allow me, sir. Open up ! Open up ! Mr. Burns ! Oh, w-would you like to come in ?

Are you all right? Never better.

Someone's in here. No! No! No! Oh! - Oh, for the love of-- - Boy. I've never seen a man so desperate to get out of five minutes of calisthenics. One, two, three, four. Up, down, three, four.

"Recipe for a free country: Mix one cup liberty with three teaspoons of justice. Add one informed electorate. Baste well with veto power." "My back is spineless. My belly is yellow. I am the American nonvoter."

Clancy, use the remote. Oh, yeah. Oh! Can we talk about Chief Wiggum?

The film did very poorly. But the following year, Scratchy was teamed up with a psychotic young mouse named Itchy, and cartoon history was made.

Hey. Here's another letter for Bart's People.

How can you like that guy? I don't know. Maybe 'cause he's an outlaw. You know that dead body they found behind the mayor's house? jimbo killed him? No, but he poked him with a stick. Hey, Laura, Dr. Tongue has arrived.

Mr. Hutz, why are you burning all your personal papers? As of this moment, Lionel Hutz no longer exists. Say hello to Miguel Sanchez. Mmm, maybe we should call it a night. Okay. I should get home to my daughter before that naked talk show comes on.

Fifty cents, please. Here's the angel see the angel it's my angel no one else's next to the rakes Dad, it's not fair to claim this thing is an angel.

Oh, no ! Two hundred and thirty nine pounds ? I'm a whale. Why was I cursed with this weakness for snack treats ? Well, from now on, exercise every morning, Homer.

I'll-- Give me that. I won't let you give up now when you worked so hard-- to be the greatest pal in the world. I love you.

Attention, students.

Coming up next: Stardust Mammaries. Baby - I Ay, caramba ! Bart ! Dad ! Oh, here's what I was looking for. Blue chips closed up three and three-quarters. Oil service stocks slumped slightly on the news of--

So this stuff really works? Certainly does. - Oh, well, lots of luck! - Oh!

Come to Daddy! Come to Daddy. Come to Daddy! I'm sorry, Maggie.

And you are banned for life from all of my performances and TV specials! But I can still see your movies, right? And I never saw Gallagher again.

Please, sir, You're destroying my establishment. We just created the greatest democracy on Earth, you lowlife commoner. You wanna see how Davy Crockett really died at the Alamo? You must be 18.

f Ned 's Voice f Being quiet during trips... clapping with songs, and diabetes. Sounds like fun. Let's party! w'w' f Eiectronic Music]

Oh, good Lord! What a week! Excuse me, sir. Yes? I'd like to buy all these toys for some needy children. Is this enough dirty, dirty money? Why, it most certainly is!

Dad, I'll spare you the embarrassment of admitting you don't know who Sideshow Bob is. Whew! Sideshow Bob used to be Krusty the Clown's sidekick. But in 1990, he framed Krusty for armed robbery, and Bart got him put in jail. - Uh-huh. - When he got out, he married Aunt Selma...

BART: Ay, caramba! Chief, we're sorry we didn't have faith in you. And I'm sorry I wrote those letters to the editor calling for your ouster. You're "Worried in West Springfield"? Not anymore, Chief. Not anymore.

I'm still a little itchy from that fiberglass hay. Is there anything you need? Well, you could make my evening complete. What's wrong? My whole romantic life is flashing before my eyes.

Well, you might as well give me a ride home now. I've never gone behind Mr. Burns's back before. But Sideshow Bob's ultraconservative views-- conflict with my... choice of lifestyle.

Now can we do something japanese? Oh, I'm sick of doing japanese stuff. In jail we had to be in this dumb Kabuki play about the 47 Ronin, and I wanted to be Yoshi, but they made me Ori. Then we had to do two hours of origami, followed by flower arranging and meditation.

Actually, Mom, a tweaking of Mr. Burns's foibles, if done with the greatest of care, could earn Dad a special place in the old man's heart. Well, I also do a delightful impression of him. I paint a frowny face on my butt and pull down my pants! Yeah!

Hey, pal! Did you get a load of the nerd? Pardon me?

You don't like me? I like you. You do?

the Teddy bears have their picnic.

How about some turpentine? Or caulk? Delicious caulk?

Enjoy the show. For one day, we shall die. Ohh! Stop! Wait! Wait! Attendez! I cannot get the lid off my jar of rainbows!

Commence bio-duplication.

that's completely off-the-wall and swarming with magic robots? That's right. Yeah, good.

As long as you're here annoying me, let's have a brainstorming session. And here's how it works. Lisa, you say one thing, then Bart, you say another. just toss out things and I'll use my inventive mind... to combine them into a brilliant, original idea. Okay. Um-- Automatic-- Butt.

Don't have a stereotypical view of me just because I'm your mother. I know. How about we play the basketball? I'm no Harvey Globetrotter, but-- Watch out for the Shaq attack. Ow! I told you to watch out.

Hello, gov'nor. Lube job while you wait? Don't touch me.

We now take you to the drawing live. I've got my tickets. They're about to start, Chief. No, you got the wrong number. This is 91-- 2.

(DISCO MUSIC PLAYING) I'm turning this disco into a hockey rink. You mean a honky rink. (SCREAMING) You know, Black Dracula is now a Congressman from Virginia.

Now say, "I am Homer Simpson, the lowly dog." In a dog voice. I am Homer Simpson. Oh, good. Jump, Homer. Jump. What's going on in here? Absolutely nothing, Marge.

Agh! Pull yourself together, man.

"oregano"? What the hell?

Holy macaroni! Hey, you can just suck 'em out. Hello? Can anybody hear me? Homer, where are you? Uh, I'm somewhere where I don't know where I am!

AUTOMATED VOICE: Intruder detected. Calling local police. (DIALING) Line busy, shutting down.

and I shall tell you a tale.

You've desecrated a classic film. This is worse than Godfather iii. Whoa. Whoa. Hey, whoa. Let's not say things we can't take back. All right, all right. I'm sorry. But this film is never going to see the light of day. Look. They're towing away a Range Rover.

You seem to have a prescription for success.

"So Your Life is Ruined."

Hello, UN Women's Conference! (EXCLAIMS) We're trapped! Lisa, we may not make it.

- You're being completely paranoid. - Oh, am I? Am I really? Aha! Hello. All right, pal, where'd you get the sugar for that tea? I nicked it when you let your guard down for that split second. And I'd do it again. Good-bye. Do you see, Marge? Do you see?

Oh, we got Willie. Come on out so we can give you a medal. Way to go, Officer. Willie, stop! Away with ya. I got to finish him off while I'm still temporarily insane!

Skinner!

Settle down, boys and girls, or Krusty will have to bring out his old friend Corporal Punishment again. Please, stop it ! Wha-- Who are you people ? What do we want ? Substantially less violence in children's programming ! When do we want it ? Now !

Wait till he finds what I left in his birdbath. No!

Allowance day. Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. You don't deserve an allowance. Sure we do. Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. Ice-cream man! Ice-cream man! That backyard is a disgrace. Now get busy. That's a good suggestion, Mom. We'll take it under advisement. But I can't go out dressed like this.

Unilaterally! (CARS HONKING) (ALL SCREAMING)

Ow! My hairstyle. Not again. Good-bye, cruel world. Hello, ironic twist.

No TV and no beer make Homer something something. Go crazy? Don't mind if I do!

Now, let's clear this up. Who exactly are you? Sergeant Seymour Skinner, U.S. Army. it's true. i was in his platoon. But they said you were killed on that scouting mission. No, just captured. It's kind of a funny story, really. After five years in a secret P.O.W. camp,

Flanders ! I don't blame you for being upset with me, Homer. I just wanted to give you this letter. I'll leave now.

Out of the way. This is one invention you're not getting credit for, you inspiration hog. Your electric hammer, maestro? Invent your way out of this, Edison! Hmm?

Into death. What? That's ridiculous. Homer's not dead. He's right out back in the hammock. Oh, Marge. Of course Homer's alive. He's alive in all our hearts. Yes, Marge. I can see him.

When she sees you'll do anything she says, she's bound to respect you.

How do you get this thing to play blackjack? Stop that. You're hurting it. So how's it supposed to work? Well-- Boring! Am I on the Internet? No, you can only access the-- Boring! What's that fire for? The hard drive is crashing at an alarming speed! No more pictures!

- What's the matter, boy ? - Nothing. You haven't said boo all night. Usually I have to wrestle the bucket out of your greasy mitts. Dad, I'm in love. Uh-oh ! Why don't you grab yourself a beer, boy. But, Dad, I don't drink. Cut the crap ! "I just collect the cans, Daddy." Now grab yourself a beer and get me one too.

Don't worry. I brought my "Rappin' Ronnie Reagan" tape. It always makes the trip go faster. Well, well, well W-W-W-W-W-W-well, well, well You know something? He did say "well" a lot.

Now you’re all here for one reason. To rock! Who said that? That's right, Otto. We're here to rock!

I got it! Whoo-hoo! I mean, splendid.

Welcome to your new home. Escape is impossible. My name is Cesar. This is my nephew, Ugolin. You may find life here at the chateau hard, but if you shut up and do exactly what we say, the time will pass more quickly. - He's right, you know. - Well, okay, sir.

but those games cost up to, and including, $70.

Come on! Leave town! No. - I'll be your friend. - No. Oh, you're mean. The following neighborhood residents... will not be killed by me: Ned Flanders, Maude Flanders. Oh, isn't that nice? Homer Simpson, Marge Simpson,

Maybe it just collapsed on its own.

Any red-blooded, flag-feeding American would love... the M-320. Celebrate the independence of your nation by blowing up a small part of it. All right.

Come on, come on, come on, come on. Start, damn you! Start!

You lucky son of a... Want to go bowling Sunday? Are you nuts? That's the Super Bowl. How about the Sunday after that? Ma's coming in from Norway but what the hell.

Oh, no! Oh, don't do that! You're supposed to be tasting them! Hall of Famer Whitey Ford now on the field... pleading with the crowd for-- for some kind of sanity. Uh-oh. And a barrage of pretzels... now knocking Whitey unconscious.

Wow. Tough glass. I still say ours is bigger. Our speed bumps are stronger too. i don't know, Simpson. How do i know you didn't cut your own brakes?

Prepare for the end! The end of high prices! What?

We know you're the one behind this, so knock it off, or we're going to the cops! No, no, I'll take care of it. Okay, it's over. Get 'em outta here! Ha! Ha! Hmm! Hmm! All right. ¡ÁNdale! ¡ÁNdale! You're out there somewhere.

Look, it's the Noid. Avoid the Noid. He ruins pizzas. Hey, lady. Santa Claus is gonna be here, right? He just has to. Something tells me he is. Don't touch me! Nothing gives you that right! Say, Leeza. Do you like gingerbread? No, not really. Well, then you'll love this next float.

I'll give him what for till he cries brassafrax!

They must think people will watch anything. Live from New Orleans, this is the World Series of Cockfighting. Oh, son of a gun, we'll have big fun on the bayou tonight. We'd get there quicker if I drove my dad's car. I don't know, Davey. - Aren't you ready for church, Homer ? - Huh ? Wha--

Come on! Come on! Time to get up! We wanna go to Duff Gardens! Time to go to Duff Gardens! Oh, great. Dad's dead.

Welcome to lecture number eight on the water balloon.

We played Dungeons and Dragons for three hours. Then I was slain by an elf. Listen to yourself, man. You're hangin' with nerds. You take that back! Homer, please. These boys sound very nice, but they're clearly nerds. Really? But nerds are my mortal enemy.

Get your paws off me, you dirty ape!

Wait. I can't call Marge. It's our last day on earth together. I can't drag her into this mess. I know ! I'll call Barney !

Well, better drink some coffee.

Damn crappy nails! Super glue, my butt! D'oh! You bas..! Hit it..! Shot..! D'Oh! Homer? What is it, Flanders? I'm afraid I have a bone to pick with you. If it's about your camcorder, I lost it, okay?

Okay, that's it. Both of you go to your rooms and spank yourselves. Lazy father. Can't even spank his own kids. Homer, you can't punish the children just because you can't come up with an idea. I don't see why not. They're my kids. I own 'em.

Well, i guess no one else wants a T-shirt. That's a damn lie, and you know it! Gimme a shirt! You heard him, girls. Hey, T-shirt, T-shirt, T-shirt. Fire! Ooh, a bobby pin!

There he is! There's the man that sexually harassed me!

The Itchy and Scratchy Show Tee one up for me, cat-ty. Sure thing, mous-y. Nice follow-through.

Mmm! Mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm. Mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm.

Welcome to Springfield Elementary Casino Night. My fee for this evening goes to victims of my criminal recidivism. So relax, have fun and please God don't piss me off. Congratulations, Mr. Student Body President.

Let me just finish this last lobster tail and raspberry torte. All right, Hans, time to go. But he ate my last meal. If that's the worst thing that happens to you today, consider yourself lucky. Are you really allowed to execute people at a local jail?

Oh, what are you gonna do, call your godfather, huh?

- I'll get you, squealer. - Ow! Okay, that's it. On behalf of Sack Stuffers local 199, I'm callin' a strike. Strike! Strike! Strike! Strike! Strike! Strike! Oh, the bag boys are on strike.

We're talking about a few thousand dollars. It's got great high ceilings. Tell you what. Let's sleep on it, okay ? All right.

Well, uh... Why? You haven't paid your rent. Can I at least get my stuff? All I found in there was a jar of mustard and a couple of old Cycle magazines. Wow! I had mustard?

Well, Seymour, you are an odd fellow, but I must say you steam a good ham. Help! Help!

Bart ! Bart ! Bart ! Bart ! Bart ! Bart ! Bart ! Bart ! Hoo, hoo, hoo, hoo, hoo, hoo, hoo, hoo !

I used to be "with it." But then they changed what "it" was. Now what I'm with isn't "it," and what's "it" seems weird and scary to me. It'll happen to you!

I guess it's not all bad. I propose to determine the answer to the question: Is my brother dumber than a hamster? Hey, Lise, look what I can do. Doggone it.

(SCREAMING) Stupid women drivers! (SCREAMING)

If the students find out I'm performing at Floppy's, I'll never live it down. I won't tell if you put me on the guest list. All right. Plus one? Nae. Now I'll give you directions starting from the Simpsons' house.

20, 40, 60, 80, 4. 20, 40, 60, 80, 500.

It's working. Aaah! Leeches! Aaah! Uh-oh.

I'm gonna get you again tomorrow, Simpson. Is 3:15 good for you ? Uh, not really. Too bad. Oh, no. Oh, man, that guy's tough to love.

Oh, thank God! He's alive! You wouldn't believe what happened to me! I tried to do what you told me to, but I don't even know what happened. (CLUTTERING)

Good news, honey. Two weeks are up. You don't have to wear your glasses anymore. And your scalp and posture seem fine. Yes! Kids, did anyone pray for giant shoes? - I did! - Okilly-dokilly.

Havin' my baby What a lovely way to say how much you love me Nearer my God to thee Nearer to thee Oh, perfume !

I'll never forget you guys. Especially you, Joey. See you around, Mr. Homer. Don't worry, Joey. We'll make it to California someday. Sure we will, Mr. Homer. Sure we will.

Huh? That's... Sanskrit for "your toes are like perfume." Voy a matar a usted. Wha? That's Spanish for "I am going to kill you." Say what? I do believe it's time... for your beloved MacGyver. Oh, hey, you're right.

Look, everybody. I'm the same person I always was. Whoa! Hey, he's learning on his own! Get him!

D'oh! Ow! My brain!

BART: That's my doll! (GRUNTS) Keep away! Keep away! HOMER: Put that sissy down! If you're gonna pick on someone, why don't you pick on someone much bigger than you with a gun? Dad? That's right. I got a job here, so I can watch over you like a mother hen.

I've only got one chance. I've got to knock him out. Hang in there, Homer! Only 440 more seconds.

Wow. I wish I had an elephant. You did. His name was Stampy. You loved him. Oh, yeah.

Dear friends, 41 years ago... God took 168 pounds of clay, and he made me a woman... and for this, I thank him. I just wanted to say... on the advice of my new husband... I've decided to give up smoking...

That is so sad. Oh, come on, honey. You know how it turns out. After all, you wouldn't be here today if I hadn't become the responsible head of a household. Can we have a can of frosting for lunch? Okay.

Oh, earrings! Wow! Thank you so much, Alex.

Yep. Why would that Twinkle want to go out with a Ding Dong like me? Flanders, I mix Twinkies and Ding Dongs all the time. In Europe, they call it a "Dinkie." Well, sir, that's very encouraging...

Who needS the kwik-e-mart

No thanks to you, Homer. Why, you little-- Now, Homer, please. The boy's just had a very serious operation. Oh, right.

using these Lucky Charms as bait.

If you need proof of my identity I wrote my name on my underwear. Oh, wait-- these aren't mine. Until you get a license and wear your own underwear you are suspended without pay. Who will drive the bus? I drove an all-terrain vehicle in Da Nang. I think I can handle it.

Ahoy there, Dean. I understand you're taking suggestions from students, eh? Well, me and my fourth-form chums think it would be quite corking... if you'd sign over your oil well to the local energy concern. Mr. Burns. Bah! It was naive of you to think I would mistake this town's...

I'll stop them! Oh, no! It's coming back this way! That throwing-stick stunt of yours has boomeranged on us!

Looks like the Flanders are having a nice Christmas. Oh, yeah? We'll show 'em. Come on, kids. Pretend we got new cross-country skis.

Oh, Apu, it's beautiful. Yes. This is where I come when I need some refuge from the modern world... or when I want to see drive-in movies for free. I know it is not easy to be a vegetarian, Lisa. That's why I ran away from home. What? She's leaving home? Wow! Paul McCartney!

I know. Doesn't it just honk you off? Their periodic table has 250 elements. And our school board's cut us back to 16. All of them lanthanides. You know, we could get equipment like this through a bond issue. Hmm. Here's your bond issue.

D'oh! Think unsexy thoughts. Think unsexy thoughts. Well, this is my floor. See you tomorrow! Ah, home to my loving family.

Mmm. Somehow, Homer became addicted to painkillers.

I don't know, 50?

Yeah, where's your messiah now, Flanders? Ah.

Is that a pony?

You poor little boy! Ah, no. He'll be fine. He's always gettin' himself stuffed into this or that. Is that normal? Yeah, he's just playing Wiggle Puppy.

Ahh! Do you ever think anything you don't say? There is just no pleasing a girl like that! All that unnecessary behaving. I'm all tense through the "chestal" area. I need relief.

Dad, I'm sorry you're hurt, but you left me no choice. You were obnoxious at a level not even permitted in show business! Do you know the hours I worked? The people I had to yell at? The tires I had to slash? No one asked you to yell and slash!

You stink!

I know I really shouldn't, but when am I gonna be here again? Whee! Well, if it isn't little-- uh, boy.

Ha! They're out of their minds. Oh, I heard about this. This is the one where Scratchy finally gets Itchy. Wow!

Bed goes up. Bed goes down. Hey, hey! Hey, what's the matter?

Come on, Emma.

Baby, baby, baby, baby-

Kids, would you step outside for a second? F-- Dear Lord! That's the loudest profanity I've ever heard.

There goes the last lingering thread of my heterosexuality.

What's wrong? Oh, yeah, like you don't know. - We're gonna have sex. - Oh. Well, we don't have to. Yes, we do. The cookie told me so. Well, desserts aren't always right.

Hey, America, you're So fine. You're so fine, you bLow my mind. America. Well, that's very concise, but it's an insult to everything I suffered for. Now, take a seat, junior, and listen to someone... who gave their youth in service of their country.

Oh, geez. I am so sick of companies dumping their crud in our ocean without a permit. It's not like those permits are hard to get. You're going right back where you came from. But, Daddy, you're on vacation. Crime doesn't take a vacation. Hey, hey, hey, careful! You'll pop it!

Oh, about 40, I suppose. When are we going on the air? We're on the air now, Skeletor. What? Question two: How long is your wiener? Seriously. Great heavens! What kind of Radiola show is this? All right, how about this? When was your first gay experience? Oh, well, when I was six, my father took me on a picnic. That was a gay old time.

All right, young 'uns, bath time. Cover up your eyes and drop your britches. Who wants wax? Me!

Well, we have an opening on the debate team. Debate, like arguing ? Yes. I'll take that, you stinkpot !

Skinner, get off of my school! No. You get off of my school.

Oh, mercy. Seriously, though, before we draw up the budget,

Aw, poor Bart.

How did you know? Where's Maggie? Where's Maggie? There's Maggie!

Okay. Now, everyone take out your safety pencil and a circle of paper. This week I hope we can finish our work on the letter "A." Let me get this straight. We're behind the rest of our class, and we're going to catch up to them by going slower than they are? Cuckoo! Cuckoo! Cuckoo! Cuckoo! Cuckoo!

I'm a mur-diddly-urgler! If that's not Flanders, he's done his homework. Daddy, where's Mommy? We miss her. Mommy had to go away. She's with God now. Yea! Can we go there too?

- Show's over, Mayor. - Look out! Give me that knife. No, it's mine. Homer. Use the for-- The Force?

Oh, don't make me choose. Shankar, Shankar-- Oh, here we go. Oh! Sorry. You Make me feel so young you make me feel so Spring has sprung

Nelson? Papa, is that you? You came back from the store. Who is he talking to? Let's admire Nelson's love of nature. Papa. Papa.

Whoo! Whoo! Ee-eew. Lisa, the blob has got me! Don't touch me, or it'll get you too! Dad, you have to put chlorine in the water every day to keep it clean.

Whew! All this computer hacking is making me thirsty. I think I'll order a Tab.

- That's better. - Man, if this is happening here, I hate to think what's happening in Euro Itchy and Scratchy Land. Hello! Itchy and Scratchy Land, open for business.

Tell her you love her. I love you very much. Awww. And, uh... later tonight, I think you and I should, uh... snuggle?

I say Phantom Menace sucked more! I say Attack of the Clones sucked more!

Unclean! Unclean!

I wonder what my life would be like if I robbed the Kwik-E-Mart. I'll do it. I'll rob the Kwik-E-Mart.

Destroy! Destroy!

That's it. I cannot work under these conditions. If anybody wants me, I'll be downstairs at McDougal's.

Uhh... the devil with his fly open. Right. A spill on the floor with bugs going after it. Good. The boy! This isn't fair! How can you tell who's sane and who's insane? We have a very simple method.

That'll be $650. D'oh. One Soylent Green, hold the butter. Mmm. Soylent Green. They fight, they fight they fight and fight and fight fight, fight, fight fight, fight, fight The itchy and scratchy movie

Dig this blender Rainbow suspenders Hey, big spender We surrender Spend Some dough at table three

You probably do this all the time. This whole family is built on a tissue of lies and romance. Yeah, it's a tissue covered in blood and boogers! Would you two just shut up! Sure, we lied. We lied so we could spend a single night as a married couple without worrying about you kids. Those days are over. Give it up.

(MUSIC PLAYING ON TV) ANNOUNCER: Tonight on Celebrity Chop Shop, we sell the parts off Jason Bateman's Bentley. What did you do to my car? Dude, you've been chop shopped! Why would you do that? How am I gonna get home? Chop shop! Chop shop!

Oh, what a day. I'm gonna eat eight pieces of chocolate. I'm gonna eat chocolate till I barf.

Watch your step! Don't panic! By going down the ladder, you're agreeing not to sue! Oh! Oh! Head... burning.

Homie, maybe we should go inside. But, Marge, that little guy hasn't done anything yet. Look at him. He's gonna do something, and you know it's gonna be good. Aw.

Oh, no! We're out of gas. I couldn't figure out this stupid Italian gas gauge. I've gotta get to school! Hmm. Let's hitch a ride with that hick.

Sayonara, suckers. Yea! The Simpsons are going to japan. Hey, watch the gong, jerk.

I want it. I want it. I want it! - Look! It's Lisa Lionheart! - Keep running. We're almost there.

From now on, you'll be, uh, Homer Thompson at Terror Lake.

Sixty-three bottles of beer on the wall sixty-three bottles of beer Oh, this song is driving me crazy. B-i-n-g-o and bingo was his name-o

I'm watching the road, sweetie. "You jive turkey!" See? You got to sass it. "Quit jivin' me, turkey!" You got to sass it.

I'll never wash this hand again. Dad, make Bart wash his hand. Sorry, Lise. I no longer control the hand. The hand controls me! Dad! Shut up, you little monsters!

They'd been given rifles, but no ammunition. Dad, look! Television! Teacher! Mother! Secret lover. Urge to kill fading.

(WAILING LOUDLY) Ha... Huh? (LAUGHING) (CLOCK TICKING) (CLICK) (CLICK) (CLICK) People, Springfield is in crisis.

But I'm not gonna take it! Who's with me? I am! I am! We're here! We're queer! We don't want any more bears! We're here! We're queer! We don't want any more bears!

Hey, Bart-Bart, looks like a beautiful day to swipe some "pic-i-nic" baskets. But, "Homi," Ranger Ned's not gonna like that. I'll handle Ranger Ned. After all, I'm smarter than the average bear.

Folks, our winner seems to be from Italy. I love-a you all. I use up all of my English. Grazie, Springfield! He's a phony!

Well, now for our weekly segment, "Yesterday's News," featuring Homer Simpson. Are you as bored as I am with the antics of this warmed-over Fred Flintstone? I say it's time to put this one-trick pony out to stud. Whoo-hoo! First up, Maude Flanders. - Homer! - But she said I-- Dad, what she's saying is you've had your moment in the sun,

I am glad he's gone. As am I. B'oh! It's probably my imagination, but something about them didn't seem quite right. Really? Excuse me for just a moment. People, that was all wrong!

I'm more worried about Al's jacket. How many stations can you get on that thing? All right. Listen. I am sick of your jokes about the wardrobe! You people can dress yourselves! Well, folks, he's got a point.

The cafeteria staff is complaining about the mice in the kitchen. I want to hire a new staff.

Uncle Mayor was just saying that us kids are the most important natural resource we have. More important than coal? Uh, eh, uh, yes.

Homer, do you have any plans for after graduation ? Me ? I'm gonna drink a lot of beer and stay out all night ! No, I meant career-wise. You know, that nuclear power plant will be opening soon. It's one of the few outfits around that won't require a college education. Me in a nuclear power plant.

I'd like another Faberge egg, please. Sir, don't you think you've had enough? I'll tell you when I've had enough!

I'll miss you too, Homey.

One: Where's the fife? And two: Give me the Fife.

I love you. I love glue! I love you! Aw! Such a sweet little thing. Time to destroy your future. Feeling flu-ish, fever, nausea, child germs.

Oh, now I really think the children's appearance-- Seymour, you are in very, very big trouble. Why, looking into this loveable mutt's eyes just melts my heart. Seymour, all is forgiven. Make way for Willie!

Did you wish me to destroy this machine for you? - Nah, just park it. - Very well. And I counted the pennies in the ashtray!

All right. Three hours to blast my quads. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa.

the ghoulS all Came from their humble abodes to get A jolt from my electrodes they did the mash they did the monster mash the monster mash it was A graveyard smash they did the mash it Caught on in A flash

Ben Franklin.

Oh! Let's not and say we did. Hmm? So, what time does this play start? Why? Are you going? Well, I gotta go, don't I? I'm sure you won't enjoy it. There's nothing about bowling in the play. Oh, wait, there is. Probably not much of it. Why can't you be a little more supportive?

synthesizing a laxative from peas and carrots; replacing my birth control pills with Tic Tacs.

Thirteen stores that begin with "Le Sex."

Hey. Get off the course, you bum! Security! Wha-- Golf course? Did I dream that whole thing? Maybe the desert was just this sand trap. Oh, and I bet that crazy pyramid was just the pro shop.

(WEEPING) Neither could you! You're okay, you got me broads. Oh, this is one dilly of a daily, Lisa. Can't wait for tomorrow's. "Tomorrow's"? I hadn't thought about publishing more.

the local guitar pickeR got his guitar-picking thumb As soon As the shareef had Cleared the square they began to wail the shareef don't like it - Shh!

Well, basically, I just copied the plant we have now. Hmm. Then I added some fins to lower wind resistance-- And this racing stripe here, I feel is pretty sharp. Agreed. First prize. What? Way to go, Homer. You're number one, Homer.

What's this? "Extremely high voltage." Well, I don't need safety gloves, because I'm Homer Simp--

And nipple piercing. Dont worry. They're clip-ons. Behold the delightful unicorn I got at the face-painting pavilion. Dude, that was a tattoo parlor.

What's that, Sideshow Bob ? This is Brittany and today's her birthday ? Well, happy birthday, Brittany ! How do you want to celebrate ? Do you want me to sing you a birthday song ? Or do you want me to shoot Sideshow Bob out of a cannon ?

Oh, Homey. Here the kids have a chance to see a great work of art, and instead they're home watching a cat and mouse disembowel each other. Hey, don't worry, Marge. Pretty soon, every boy and girl in Springfield Elementary School is gonna come see this thing. Really ? Why ? They're forcing 'em !

You have to cut these six-pack holders up, otherwise fish get trapped in them. I see. Ha-ha!

Your wife has paid your bail, Mr. Simpson-san. Thank God. Couldn't take another minute in this hellhole.

Curses. It's jammed.

an entire Simpsons episode every week?" For the answer to this, we went straight to the source. Get outta my office! Of course, what Matt meant to say,

I've been everywhere, man I've been everywhere Travel, I've done my share, man I've been everywhere I've been to Springfield, Shelbyville, Ogdenville Cap City, Ogdenberg, Shelbytown, Spring City Capfield, West Springfield, Paris, Rome And Shelbyville adjacent... Sing it, baby! Whoo! That's a lot of places. Whoo-ee! Oh, yeah!

It'll burn up in our atmosphere and whatever's left will be no bigger than a Chihuahua's head.

Oh, hello, Lisa. Can you recommend any books for my mobile? Oh, absolutely. Well, you know, anything by jane Austen. Jane Austen. Thanks, Lisa. I'll get right on it.

Homer, you saved my life, and I'm not gonna forget it. From now on, we'll be partners. Barney, that's great. When two best friends work together, not even God himself can stop them. Oh, no?

Hmm. That's odd. Usually the blood gets off at the second floor.

(THUNDER CRASHING) (STRAINING) That was so exciting yet familiar, like Coke with lemon. (MUTTERING HAPPILY)

I did it. I walked all the way to Moe's from my house. Way to go, Dad.

Why, " my best friend- f Homer's Voice] Maggie. Huh? - Bad news, Sheriff- - f Homer's Voice f Lisa Simpson. - Some Indians took all the- - f Homer's Voice] McNuggets. Mmm, McNuggets. f Sia vering f

No children have ever meddled with the Republican Party and lived to tell about it.

Help me! Help me!

ninety-nine, one hundred. Oh, if only the real chicks went down this easy. Look at that comic book fellow calmly eating candy like a Spaniard. Time for monkey to shine. I'd like to buy a mint condition Spider-Man number one, please.

BOTH: Skyrockets in flight, afternoon delight Rub-a-dub-dub, I'm washing the flub (ROARING) Oh, my God! Lenny! Carl! Bart! ALL: Rubbing sticks and stones together Makes the sparks ignite

Yeah-- "The Best is Yet to Come." Real original. Aaah! Aw, geez. How did this happen? All I wanted was to glue feathers on felt... and teach the boys good citizenship-- and now it's a donnybrook.

Yea!

This is the happiest day of my life-- Hi-yi-ya! Got it! No shock for me! Oh, yeah? Whoa!

Yeah, it's for all your charity work and, um, for, uh, you know, teaching us, um, to love again. Really? I did that? How the hell should I know? just get in the cage. What-- Oh. Hazing the new guy, eh? You know, when I was dubbed Sir Elton, the queen paddled me silly.

Dad, did you read all these books today? Everything from Hop on Pop to Death Be Not Proud. It's so tragic the way they hopped on Pop.

Smithers, use the amnesia ray. You mean, the revolver, sir? Precisely. Be sure to wipe your own memory clear when you're finished.

Homer, you saved my life, and I'm not gonna forget it. From now on, we'll be partners. Barney, that's great. When two best friends work together, not even God himself can stop them. Oh, no?

Safe! Wow. My first home run. That's my boy. Come on. Hug me. Cobras! Cobras!

Say I want that bowl of dip. - Why, you'd have to get up! - Oh? Sir, I am in your debt. Use it wisely, my friend.

jump with all your might. Ahh-- Oh, no. Willy didn't make it! And he crushed our boy! - Ugh! What a mess. - Oh!

I'll be blunt. Bart's latest escapade... goes far beyond the realm of the high jink. There. Now the floor is as good as new. My sport goggles! Your son is a ravenous demon, relentlessly gnawing at all that's good and true. Yeah, he's something else, all right.

"Slow." They called you "slow"! How dare you call me that? I-- Huh?

This is for your show's slight decline in quality over the years! KENT: In an attempt to curb copycat pie-ings, the police have organized a pie-for-guns exchange. The pies were immediately detonated by the bomb squad. (EXPLODING) Aw! Those poor innocent pies. Some days you just don't want to be a cop, you know?

Dad! Those all come from the same animal! Oh, yeah, right, Lisa. A wonderful, magical animal.

Please go to sleep.

Man alive, there are men alive in here. I'm detecting over 20 different toxins in the air. All right, everybody out! As long as Burns is pumping oil, this bar is closed. Damn Burns. Lemme just get one thing. Me too.

Kent Brockman is not the kind of man who would leave a $500,000-a-year job because he won a lottery. I'm a journalist. He's got all the money in the world but there's one thing he can't buy. What's that? A dinosaur. I'm not the only one benefiting from last week's big payoff.

Uh-- Coming! Ohh. Well, it looks like it's just you and me, Barty boy. Great. I get to spend the summer with my brain.

I opened for the Who at Woodstock. I came out in a Beatle wig with a ukulele. Hendrix said he almost plotzed. His exact words. Oh, I never tire of that story.

Simpsons Christmas boogie Shh!

You've got to tell them the truth, Marge. The truth!

Earth is now ripe for the plucking.

At last the world is safe,

Please don't make me stay, Dad. I'll do anything you say. I'll find religion. I'll be good sometimes. Let go of my leg. No! Son, for the last time, you're staying at military school.

Whoa!

ah, yes, the smells of other men. You haven't lost the common touch, sir. So, Homer, I hear you got the fight. Yeah, that's right. 8:00, my place. Come one, come all. All right ! All right ! Hey, Moe, how come you never got cable for the bar ?

I, uh, stand corrected.

and he didn't always do what other people thought was right. And that man's name Was-- I forget. But the point is-- I forget that too. Marge, you know who I'm talking about. He used to drive that blue car. Kids, could you wait outside for us?

Homer kept saying he could do a more realistic family show. Finally, I said, "So do it. Either or get off the pot." And he did.

I'm sorry, but we're not supposed to put butter on the Milk Duds. You're not supposed to go to the bathroom without washing your hands either. TouchÉ. To the top, please. Swim, my pretties.

They're heading for the old mill. No, we're not. Well, let's go to the old mill anyway, get some cider. That's a good idea. Let's get some cider.

(IRISH MUSIC PLAYING)

Stuck-up Riverdale punks! Think they're too good for me! You're on the right track. Follow the names. How the hell do you know? I can't tell you who I am, but I worked on the campaign. Hey, Mr. Smithers!

The Squidport, the old monorail-- The Play-Doh factory. Crescent moon! Crescent moon! Come on, Springfield. Sparkle for me, baby.

Oh. Well, you still have Lenny and Carl. Oh, Lenny and Carl suck! Please don't tell Lenny and Carl I said that, 'cause if I ever lost 'em as friends--

You!

Uh, Brooks, Groening, Simon, you're all cut.

if you got rid of the talking pie. What, are you crazy? It's a buddy picture. Without the pie, it would just be me on screen for two hours. Oh, yeah, and you'd hate that. No, no, no. You can't lose the pie. The pie is your heart.

Question mark. Smiley face. Next. Wait a minute. It says here you're single. Did I do wrong?

How could you, Barney? After all I've done for you.

- My name's Thelonious. - As in Monk?

Hey. Homer, did you just call everyone "chicken"? No. I swear on this Bible. That's not a Bible. That's a book of carpet samples. Ooh, fuzzy.

It's small and it's smelly, but it should carry both of us to-- Whoo-hoo! That-That's the third time that's happened! Oh, no! An anti-escape orb!

Oh, the Simpsons. Well, they're not getting back in here.

All right, I'm in charge here. Oh, run along, Quimby. I think they're dedicating a phone booth somewhere. Watch it, you talking tub of donut batter.

No, Homer. Let's do it. Let's call room service!

Look at those looters breaking windows, setting fires! They're living my dream, and you won't let me join them! - Please, can I throw one little-- - No. What if I just burn down a-- No. Can I at least incite further-- No. I've caused enough trouble already by plugging in that Santa Claus. No more irresponsible behavior. Can I have a beer? All right.

REPORTER ON TV: A play date with disaster at Cletus' farm. I'm at the first aid tent where overwhelmed doctors are trying to sort out the owies from the boo-boos. Now I'm told we have the leader of the babies on the line. Tyler, is there a peaceful solution possible? (TYLER COOING)

lend Me your ears and I'll Sing you A song I Will try not to sing out of key, yeah oh, baby, I get By with A little help fRom my friends

Oh! That was a real horn-honker! Let's see it. Now! Do it! Oh! DO it! Hot dogs Armour hot dogs Sing it like you mean it!

one of the rising young stars of our nuclear family, Homer Simpson. Who is that old geezer, and what has he done with Homer Simpson ? He is Homer Simpson, sir.

Sir, I demand satisfaction. I challenge you to a duel. Do you accept or are you a coward? I... am a coward!

Uh, that's pretty dumb, but, uh-- Extended warranty? How can I lose? Perfect. Sweetheart, a missing crayon could be anywhere. Who wants lottery tickets? Okay. It's in his brain.

Oh! Alacazi, dragonfly! Huh? This isn't my wand. It's a Twizzler.

- Yes. - Oh. ¡Aye carumba! You know, I don't think I remember. But the story of Lisa's first word is very cute. Tell it, Mom. Yeah, tell it, Mom. Well, this story begins in that unforgettable spring of 1983.

Whoa! Whoa! You owe me a quarter. I didn't crack my skull. Rats. Ach! Me pile! It's been raped of its "bonny-ness."

Aurora borealis. Uh-- Aurora borealis at this time of year... at this time of day in this part of the country... localized entirely within your kitchen? Yes.

Yeah, tell me about it. I got some yuppie jerk-off headed right for me, yakkin' away on his cell phone. Huh! I hear that. I got some big shot barreling down on me. Hey! Who are you talkin' to, your boyfriend? Hey, jackass! Your voice sounds familiar!

Oh, yes! D'oh!

All right. I'm almost there. It-- Ohh! - Another place mat, sir? - Please. While we're waiting for our pie,

Look at those poor saps back on land with their "laws" and "ethics." They'll never know the simple joys of a monkey knife fight. Give it to him, boy! Give it to him!

Cool, man. A media circus. Absolutely not.

Say, I wonder if this Homer Nixon is any relation? Unlikely, sir. They-- They spell and pronounce their name differently. Bah! Schedule a game and I'll ask him myself.

Kill my boy. Kill my boy. There.

Ow! Not the pointed end, you dumb-ass! Reinforcements! Tanks? Oh, this is just too inaccurate.

We're number one! We're number one!

The dog. Okay. Go, boy! Go find help. Go find help, boy. No! Bad dog! Bad dog!

Free mouthwash! Free shampoo! Free shower curtain! Free shower curtain! Mindy? Homer? Wow. If it weren't for this wall, we'd be sleeping in the same bed.

Here's why they shouldn't get anything. One--

Evening, Simpson. You've got a short in your taillight. Started blinking when you made that turn. Let's see your chauffeur's license. Chauffeur's license, eh? Mel, buckle your borscht belt! Uh, since you're trying to make a getaway in park, I'm guessing you don't have a license.

You weren't complaining when I got you this close to Chachi. What's a Chachi?

Hmm. I don't think they're giving enough information, Dad. I'll figure it out. I'm gonna use all the power of my brain.

is the spawn of every shrieking commercial, every brain-rotting soda pop, every teacher who cares less about young minds... than about cashing their big fat paychecks. No, Bart's not to blame. You can't create a monster and then whine when he stomps on a few buildings.

Snake.

(ALL CHEER)

Lisa did it. That's it, young man. You're coming with me.

Oh, fantastic. Marge, you're never gonna believe what happened.

Wow! They've captured my personality perfectly. Did you see the way Daddy caught that bullet? That's not really you, Dad. He's just a fictional character who happens to have the same name. Don't confuse Daddy, Lisa. Homer, it's just a coincidence, like that guy named Anthony Michael Hall who stole your car stereo.

What's the sound of one hand clapping ? Piece of cake. No, Bart. It's a 3,000-year-old riddle with no answer. It's supposed to clear your mind of conscious thought. No answer ? Lisa, listen up.

Rest assured that I was on the Internet within minutes... registering my disgust throughout the world. Hey, I know it wasn't great, but what right do you have to complain? As a loyal viewer, I feel they owe me. What? They've given you thousands of hours of entertainment for free. What could they possibly owe you? I mean, if anything, you owe them. Worst episode ever.

Who's in charge here? They leave a building without people watching it? I got a plan that can't fail. Yiddle, my man, you're a genius.

Noah, thou shalt build'st thyself an ark... measuring 300 cubits in length. 300 cubits, give or take. Exactly 300!

He's ready to give up the drudgery of the professional mambo circuit... and settle into a nice teaching job. Man, it will be my pleasure. Lisa has told me all your students are as bright and dedicated to jazz as she is.

Hey, Bill and Marty here. And we're rapping with the Tap. Fellas, this phrase has dogged you throughout your career-- "Washed up." Yet you're among the top 105 concert acts today. What's your secret, guys?

We've got no car. We've got no money. And no one knows we're here! We're stranded! But on the plus side, I knocked over the sun sphere.

Yes, indeedy! That was my insulin! Uh-oh, SpaghettiOs!

So, where can we shoot this picture?

No, that's not good. Marge, honey, I love you. Oh. Um-- Marge, I love ya, baby. Marge, sweetie, "hooney," honey-- Ah, this'll never work.

was shot, following a tense confrontation at town hall. Burns was rushed to a nearby hospital, where he was pronounced dead. He was then transferred to a better hospital, where doctors upgraded his condition to alive.

We really think there's promise in the boy. - Get out! - Okay, okay. You don't have to yell. To get my mind off that ugly confrontation, I went home... and began bundling my old newspapers. But Suddenly the pile fell. I was trapped. Let this be a lesson to recycle frequently.

HOMER: Wait! We have to exchange insurance!

Well, if it isn't Springfield's finest little babysitter, Lisa Simpson! Hi! How are you? Um, I'm fine. Now, Lisa, when you're walking down the side of the road, you always want to be sure to go with traffic, okay? Well, is that with traffic or against traffic? It's with traffic. With traffic. Anyway, good night.

Nelson is gold.

Mom, you said I could have one souvenir, right? Well, I want a didgeridoo. That seems very noisy and expensive for a souvenir. Why don't you get this nice cap? It's clever, just like you.

Just lying here on my coffee table.

Geronimo! (LAUGHING) Look. We can go inside. Ooh! We're like Howard Carter discovering the Temple of Tutankhamen.

Yes, I'm Stuck in the middle with you and I'm wondering what it is I should do - It's so hard to keep the smile Yeah! From my face Losing control, yeah I'm all over the place What I'm trying to say in this cartoon... is that violence is everywhere in our society--

Here's good news.

You ever gone on a killing spree? No, no. The day of the gun-toting, disgruntled postman... shooting up the place went out with the Macarena.

Come on, Lisa. Watch a little cable with us. Oh, it won't cost you a thing... except your soul ! What's gotten into Lisa ? Beats the hell outta me.

Almost midnight.

For outstanding composer age 10 and under, the winner is... Please let me win. ...Mozart. (CHEERING) (SCOFFS) I can't stand it. Thank you. Thank you.

Hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm-hmm. Arr! I don't think the guns are a good idea. Marge! We're responsible adults. Whoops. If a group of responsible adults can't handle firearms in a responsible way-- Sorry. Uh-oh. Me again.

Everything's a rave. "Nine thumbs up"? What the hell is that? I've given out my share of bad reviews.

jump with all your might. Ahh-- Oh, no. Willy didn't make it! And he crushed our boy! - Ugh! What a mess. - Oh! I don't like this new director's cut.

Simpson, eh?

Maybe I should have taken a nice calligraphy class.

What’s this? "Extremely high voltage." Well, I dont need safety gloves because I'm Homer Simp- Oh, yeah. How is old Grimey? He's dead! Like you should be.

The film is just me in front of a brick wall for an hour and a half. It cost $80 million. How do you sleep at night? On top of a pile of money with many beautiful ladies. just asking. Yeesh!

I appreciate your passion on behalf of your medium. But I'm afraid we're out of options. Television must go. May God have mercy on our souls.

Really? I didn't know that. I mention it in my sermon every week. Oh, that radio show. It's all the kids talk about on Monday at school. Well, why don't you have a free T-shirt? You'll be the coolest kids in the playground. We'll put them on later.

Which way does the water turn in your toilet?

but none more memorable than Sideshow Raheem. Uh, the script says I'm supposed to bonk you with this. - I wouldn't. - Right on. Angry. Angry young man.

(SCREAMS) (SCRATCHY GRUNTING) (SIGHS) (GROANING)

Thank you, Bart.

Hello, Homer ? Woo-hoo ! It's Dad ! Dad's on the phone ! He's calling me !

Wow! Yes. You have very lucky dishes, Mr. Simpson. This soap is from the sacred forest of Hokkaido, renowned for its countless soap factories. Hokkaido, eh? See, all along, I've been telling Carl I'm married to a beauty queen. Now he's coming over for dinner.

Ooh, Divorce Court is on in 15 minutes!

I say we set fire to the house. Kill 'em that way. We don't wanna kill them, Bart. We just want our home back. Well, if we did set fire to the house-- No fires! I've got it! No fires! Oh.

Worker and Parasite!

Well, he framed me for armed robbery. But, man, I'm aching for that upper-class tax cut.

"Burkina Faso"? "Disputed Zone"? Who called all these weird places? Quiet. It might be you. I can't remember. No, I'm gonna ask Marge! No! No! Why embarrass us both? just write a check and I'll release some more endorphins. Ahh.

Then let's keep dancing I can't remember the last time Dad sang us a torch song. Yeah! Homer, I thought you were only gonna do this day care thing... till your knee was better. Yes. But then I discovered the joys of raising children.

- Oh, all right. - Whoo-hoo! U.S.A.! U.S.A.! U.S.A.!

I would kill everyone in this room... for a drop of sweet beer. So, Homer, please feel free to tell us anything.

Hold it right there, Sideshow Bob. You're under arrest. By Lucifer's beard! Ah, yeah. It's a good thing you drifted by this brothel. I knew I had to buy some time, so I asked him to sing the score from the H.M.S. Pinafore.

In the net, right? Some party, Homer. Shut up, net-face. - Hey, you're in the net too. - I said, "Shut up, net-face"!

Yeah, and then we'd get the chair. That's not what I meant. It was, Marge. Admit it.

Tell you what, Mr. Murdoch. Let's just split the difference. The boys and I will just crouch here quietly and take it easy on the snacks-- Silence! Seize them! Oi, oi, oi, oi, oi!

Moe, it's all relative. Is Lenny really that dumb? Huh? is Barney that drunk? is Homer that lazy, bald and fat? Oh, my God! It's worse than I thought! See, this is why I don't talk much.

I propose that I use what's left of the town treasury... to move to a more prosperous town and run for mayor. And once elected, I will send for the rest of you. Boo! Excuse me, Mr. Mayor? The chair recognizes the little chick with the gleam of hope in her eyes.

Then the calls began. Well, I-- I think I may be coveting my own wife. I'm meek, but I could probably stand to be meeker. I-i-i think I swallowed a toothpick! Finally, I just stopped caring.

You're dyin', and you weren't even gonna stop at Moe's... for a last beer with your buddies ? Hey, Barney, look. It was on my list, along with a lot of other things I didn't get to do today. Hey, my boss !

Bart, why are you doing that? Our class is making refreshments for Skinner's party. These are in honor of his army days. That explains the flags. - What about the dog food? - My theory is Skinner likes dog food. Let's bake him a cake.

It's breathtaking. Look. There's the Imperial Gardens. The Meiji Shrine. The Hello Kitty factory.

Whoa, ho. Loggins and Oates. And it's free. I've never heard of these bands, Mom. - What kind of music do they play? - Crap-Rock? No. Wuss-Rock? That's it.

Bogeyman! You nail the windows shut. I'll get the gun. Bart, I don't want to alarm you, but there may be a bogeyman or bogeymen in the house.

Homer, you already dialed.

Here's mine. You know, my mom sounded a little down the other day. I'd better give her a call. Homer. Marge. All right, folks. Show's over. No more to see, folks.

All right, gentlemen, I'll take your case. But I'm going to have to ask for a thousand-dollar retainer. A thousand dollars? But your ad says, "No money down."

A garage! Somebody up there likes me.

23, 24,

A man who's not afraid to cry. Hey, Ned! So that's why you maced me. Yeah. Ned does everything with class. Whether he's punching in his A.T.M. code... or keeping clean in the shower. Homer! But don't take my word for it.

Ivana.

Mom! Dad! Don't turn on the light! Don't turn on the light! There's a U.F.O. outside my window-- seriously. Oh, Bart. It's just an old golf umbrella stuck in a tree.

I've argued in front of every judge in the state, often as a lawyer.

where I will eat naught but burning-hot coals... and drink naught but burning-hot cola. Where fiery demons will punch me in the back, where my soul will be chopped into confetti... and strewn upon a parade of murderers and single mothers, where my tongue will be torn out by ravenous birds.

Oh! Not the box factory again, Seymour.

Simpson, Homer Simpson He's the greatest guy in history From the town of Springfield

(SINGING IN SPANISH) (GASPS) Oh! (SOBBING)

I don't know what's happening. It seems our profits have dropped 37%. I'm afraid we have a bad image, sir. Market research shows people see you as something of an ogre. I ought to club them and eat their bones! Well, maybe this film festival could help us. A film biography might let them get to know the real you-- virtuous, heroic, nubile--

Manjula, come quick! The octuplets said their first words. Mommy-- Will-- - You-- - Let-- - Daddy-- - Come-- - Back? - Cookie!

I mean, whatever doesn't kill me can only make me stronger. Oh, no. Quite the opposite. It's made you weak as a kitten. Look! Hey, come on. Quit it.

Hey, where'd all the snakes go? People of Springfield, Whacking Day is a sham.

Oh. One million times.

They love the sweet taste. We gotta get that tree back! You mean, going to Shelbyville? We'll never make it out alive. That lemon tree's a part of our town, and, as kids, the backbone of our economy.

I'm a stupid moron with an ugly face and a big butt... and my butt smells and I like to kiss my own butt. That's a new one! Wait a minute.

Doh !

Your friendship during this difficult time will not be forgotten. However, I've decided to return to the only thing besides school... that has ever given my life meaning-- I've reenlisted in the United States Army. Sincerely, Sergeant Seymour Skinner.

That was an episode of Columbo, Chief.

to gimmicky premises and nonsensical plots. I'm... an impostor. That man is the real Seymour Skinner.

Come on, Bart. Ride me. I better not. He's insulting both of us. Let's go.

guyS and dolls we're jusT A bunch of crazy guys and dolls oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah I want the mayor dead. I want his wife dead.

We cant tickle Elmo no more. Coochie, coochie coo! - No means no for Eimoi - Ow!

What are you crying about? You don't have to live here. Dad! Grampa! Stop it! You're stretching out my skin.

Happy thoughts. Happy thoughts. Moe's Tavern. Hold on. I'll check. Uh, hey, everybody. I'm a stupid moron with an ugly face and a big butt... and my butt smells and I like to kiss my own butt.

It's hard to see what's going on. I can only make out the fat soldiers. All right, children, switch. Hey, they're trying to learn for free! Get 'em! Use your phony guns as clubs! Run, children!

Brought to you by--

I'm so funny. This is gonna be great. What are you doing? I'm writing a delicious send-up of Mr. Burns for his birthday party. Is "poo poo" one word or two? I don't think it's a good idea to humiliate your boss on his birthday.

You've got more talent than any dancer I've ever seen, and you're throwing it all away! Screw you! Screw everybody! All right, girls, tops off. It's showtime! Marge, this is the greatest gift... any wife has ever given her husband. I thought you'd like it. And I'm enjoying the friendship...

Ooh, sorry. Uh, we don't normally drive these in the Air Force. Gotcha! Ya TV-hatin' mutant. What is your major malfunction, Sideshow Bob? Oh, my little sugar bun.

- You grabbed me in the car! - Oh, that. No, I was just grabbing a gummi Venus de Milo that got stuck to your pants. Yeah, right. That's the oldest excuse in the book. Come on. I'm a decent guy.

This Powersauce newsbreak is brought to you by Powersauce. Get sauced with Powersauce. Neil? Our top story: Homer Simpson has just "powersauced" his way... past the halfway point of the Murderhorn.

Not since this reporter's marriage to Stephanie the weather lady... has this town been so consumed with rumor and innuendo. All because of this man. Today, one Abraham "Grampa" Simpson... announced that he would give away over $100,000...

Homer! But it's funny, Marge. The guy's sick. Uh, shouldn't we help him? He knows what he's doing.

Je--

Bear! Ahhh!

"Food hygienically stored?" Only one way to find out. Mmm, mmm, mmm. (GAGGING) Oh, my God, he's dead.

Oh, yeah. And I'm not easily impressed. Wow! A blue car!

These tests will have no effect on your grades. They merely determine your future social status and financial success. If any. Mrs. Krabappel, isn't Bart supposed to face the window... so he won't be tempted to look at his neighbor's paper ? You're right, Martin. Bart ? Remember to visualize the complex problems, and relax.

You haven't seen the best part. I couldn't watch your demonstration of the fish caught in the plastic rings... without getting an idea. Look out over the water.

Oh, look! It's Kathy! How are things in Personnel? Excellent. I need money for Christmas. Can I get anything for this Joe DiMaggio baseball card? It's kind of old. I'm sorry. But I'm afraid your card is only worth everything I've got! Everything!

Hmm. First they hate each other. Now all of a sudden they love each other. Oh, it doesn't make any sense to me. Of course not. You're a robot.

Bye-bye now. Bye! See ya! Bye! Bye-bye! Ha-ha!

Oh, my God! It's Cocoa Beanie himself!

We believe that God's last prophet, Bart Simpson, preached a message of tolerance and love. We believe the holy Bartman preached a message of understanding and peace before he was betrayed by his follower, Milhouse, and pulled apart by snowmobiles until he died.

Good day. Hello. Great glayvin's ghost! He's alive! Yes, that's right. I pulled a Jesus. Have a nickel. (EXCLAIMS IN SURPRISE) Burns is alive? Then whose skull am I drinking beer out of? Boy, I can't wait to dance on his grave!

Prithee, tell me thou art not a Sodomite.

Marge, my darling, I want you to meet with me again, That doesn't shock me. away from prying eyes, away from the Helens of the world, at my apartment-- the Fiesta Terrace.

Huh? What's he doing here? My yearbook. No! Mm-hmm.

"Would Jesus microwave a burrito so hot... that he himself could not eat it?"

Maybe I wanted to be caught. Now, Homer, that Southern congressman... is your biggest obstacle. Your job is to drink him under the table so he misses the vote. You think you can do it? Sir, I studied under Ed McMahon.

What do we want ? Substantially less violence in children's programming ! When do we want it ? Now ! No ! You're ruining the show !

Everybody in the U.S.A. Hates their stupid neighbor He's the Flanders, man The Flanders, man Flanders-- I am so sick of that song.

That's what happens when you don't tip your letter carrier at Christmas. Yes, I'd like to send this letter to the Prussian consulate in Siam by aeromail. Am I too late for the 4:30 autogiro? Um, better look in the manual. Ignorance. Wait a minute. I know that woman.

Ohh!

Gee, I don't like the sound of that.

At last the world is safe, eh, Fallout Boy? Watch out! Next! Ha-ha! Hey, that hurts. No wonder no one came to my birthday party.

Sit perfectly still. Only I may dance.

I am a virgin.

Oh, honey, you can hardly see your new braces! And that's the tooth! Oops. I left the gas on.

This air conditioning is better than any truant officer. I'm seeing students I haven't seen in years. Sugar Hmm-hmm-hmm! Hey, Mrs. K.! Oh, Arthur!

Dad, that was really mean. I know, sweetie. And I got him right in the-- Uh-oh! Uh, hi, Flanders. Go, Wildcats. Do you have a problem with the way I'm coaching? No. No. No, no. No. It's just that, well, like I was yelling earlier,

It's dying down. All clear, everyone! Dad, no! This may just be the eye of the hurricane. Relax. Can't you see how eerily calm it is? See? I told you it was over. Hmm.

One more appliance could overload the system. Fear not. Our town has dodged disaster, and I have come out smelling like guest room soap. You know what will cool this place down?

Oh, General Gao, you were a bloodthirsty fool, but your chicken is delectable. This cookie feels heavy, as if there's some paper inside.

Azaria and Shearer, you're cut. Firestone, you're cut. So is judge. Namath, you stay. All of those people are cut. Bill Schultz and Wolf and Silverman. Goldreyer. O'Brien, Doyle, Selman, I don't know what you-- Elliott, I-- I don't know what you're doing here because you're all cut.

Now you be-a good, Pinitchio. And don't-a you lie. - I promise I will never hurt you. - Ouch-a!

A redwood is not a promotional tool. Good Lord! He's cutting the guy-wires!

- You grabbed me in the car! - Oh, that. No, I was just grabbing a gummi Venus de Milo that got stuck to your pants. Yeah, right. That's the oldest excuse in the book. Come on. I'm a decent guy.

Bikini girls. Hmm?

I don't wanna go. So if he asks me to go, I'll just say yes. Wait! Are you sure that's how this sort of thing works? Shut up, brain, or I'll stab you with a Q-tip.

The greatest band since music's birth"? Isn't this song a little boastful? No one told me there was gonna be boasting.

john Hancock's writing his name in the snow. Do you wanna be held back a grade ? Concentrate, man.

Why is a raven like a writing desk? I don't know. Why is a-- Hey, the dummy can't hurt you. He's not even alive. He's dead!

Oh! john Denver.

ANNOUNCER: Welcome back to Promiscuous Idiots Island on Fox, the home of Promiscuous Idiots. Last week on PII, our billionaire bachelor gave five lovely ladies a rose of continuation. And he hurled a rock of rejection at anyone displaying intelligence, character, or ethnicity.

Caramels. Waffle batter. Liquid smoke. Oooh, waffle runoff.

Now, when I say, "Hello, Mr. Thompson"... and press down on your foot, you smile and nod. No problem. Hello, Mr. Thompson.

Lousy "Smarch" weather. "Do not touch Willie." Good advice.

Help. I need tungsten to live. Tungsten!

No, no, no, no, no, no! I'm just thinking we could send you to a better place. You know, a place where they could really take care of you. Oh, thank you, good sir! Ooh, that smarts. Boys, get the alcohol-free alcohol.

"The Wind in the Willows"?

Hi, Rupert! Uh-oh. Well, I'm convinced. Tell you what, Mr. Murdoch. Let's just split the difference. The boys and I will just crouch here quietly and take it easy on the snacks--

Hey, children! Meet me, Sideshow Cecil!

Bob? I know you’re enjoying fall preview week... but I was wondering if youve made any progress towards finding Homer's killer. No, I havent Go ahead, shock me. Well, just a little one. Homer, it-it's stuck.

Hola, senor. We are gringos who wish to spend mucho dinero in your country.

Our first Springfield Pride Award goes to a local legend-- a man who brings laughter and joy... to the children of Springfield. With his big, red nose and baggy pants. Krusty the Clown! Hey, hey! What?

in a style befitting a French monarch. (SCREAMS)

No, Maggie ! Bad baby ! Keep her away from me, Marge ! She's got that crazy look in her eyes again !

Ah, no problem, guys. The important thing is that we wrapped up all the loose ends. So, in conclusion, good luck on tomorrow's big final exam.

but it Could have been worse

Promise me you'll report this. Consider yourself fired! I had a car! Mom, can we go into this bookstore? Please, please, please, please, please, please, please?

Uh-huh. This is the 128-ounce tub. You can fit your whole head in it. Don't be scared, jub jub. It's Mama. I would kill everyone in this room... for a drop of sweet beer.

- Homer! - But she said I-- Dad, what she's saying is you've had your moment in the sun, and now it's time for you to gracefully step aside. Lisa, I know what's going on here. They did it to jesus, and now they're doing it to me. Are you comparing yourself to our Lord? Well, in bowling ability.

No, my husband is... at church. Aw, that's my girl. I love you, Marjorie. - Yeah, she's quite a gal. - You shut up. So when you realized Christmas was ruined, how did you feel? How do you think I felt? Absolutely devastated.

Check for millipedes.

Hmm? Sir, I represent the estate of Charles Chaplin. I have a court order demanding an immediate halt... to this unauthorized imitation. Boys!

- Hello? - Hello. This is a phone survey. lfthe election were held today... would you vote for "A," the cops are there... or "B," you’re free to talk? Uh, "A." And I'd like to add... that Proposition "Hug Lisa For Me”...

That Homer fella grifted you good, Dad. Well, there's no shame in bein' beaten by the best. But he didn't seem all that-- We were beaten by the best, boy.

Bart, didn't I ask you to watch Maggie? Sounds like something you'd say. Hey, where is she?

This map is useless. Useless!

It's delicious. Want to try? Yea! Ooh! So cold. Wow! Pink daggers! - Green hatchets! - Yellow ice picks!

Um, ma'am, what if you're a really good person, but you're in a really, really bad fight... and your leg gets gangrene, and it has to be amputated, Will it be waiting for you in heaven ? For the last time, Bart, yes !

It'll follow me to the ends of the earth! All right! My bumper fell off! Not my fault. Act of God, act of God. Uh-oh. Uh--

but I was too busy selling out. Now I'm just a tired old hack. Ah, that burns! What the hell is on those things? Here. Quick, use my Krusty Eye Wash. No, not on your life.

Oh! Can't panic. Must remain calm.

This is the greatest thrill of my life. I'm king of the world ! Whoo-hoo ! Whoo-hoo ! I-- Aah ! Oof ! Ow, ow ! Ah ! Oh ! Ah ! Oh ! Eee ! Ow ! Oh ! Doh ! Doh ! Oh !

I regret to inform you that our final stunt will not be performed. Our star acrobat had an onset of outspokenness and suffered a bullet-related death. This is most disillusioning. It seems our leaders are not all-knowing. Now I will question everything! Why doesn't Pearl Jam ever come here?

Ah! Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah! You idiot! You nearly drank a beaker full of sulfuric acid. Acid, eh? Gee. That would have been stupid.

Finally, the villagers have a place to pray. Bringing in the sheaves Bringing in the sheaves We shall come rejoicing Well, he's not getting it from his brother that's for darn sure. Damn crappy nails! Super glue, my butt!

Get your T-shirts here! "I survived the Springfield riot!" Remember me as a hero.

Hey, fellas, my hearing's back. Congratulations, traitor! Thank you. And let me say I missed your sweet, sweet voices. - Cram it, Iraqi! - (GRUNTS) Why'd you dis the flag? It partied on the moon! Weren't we afraid of him just a few days ago? We're complex.

We're never gonna get out of-- Psst, cleaning lady. Would you let us out of here? Me? I'm Dolly Parton. I didn't ask for your life story. just give me the key. Young man, where I come from, the South, folks say "please." And besides, I gotta go sing a medley with Rob Lowe and Stump. Dolly, wait! Wally?

Except Earring Boy. Come on, Dad. Didn't you ever do anything wild when you were a kid? Well, when I was 10, I got my ear pierced. But this is completely different! Fine. Take it. Attention on deck! Captain Tennille wishes to address you.

- I said I wanted a Danish! - I'm sorry. All the Danishes are gone. They're not gone. - You're gone! - Uh-oh.

Oh, yeah? Well, put this in your Fife and smoke it. What the--

Homer, what did you do, get a haircut or something? Look closer, Lenny. Oh, you're the biggest man in the world now and you're covered in gold. 14-karat gold. Take a hike, boss. I'm running things now.

Ladies and gentlemen, may I invite you to behold... Montgomery Burns. Smithers. Ohh. Doh ! I don't care for this at all.

H-How do you do? Homer, I'm late for my night job at the foundry, so if you don't mind telling me-- Good heavens! Th-This is a palace! H-How in the world can you afford... to live in a house like this, Simpson? I don't know. Don't ask me how the economy works. Yeah, but look at the size of this place.

Aha! Aw. Twenty dollars. I wanted a peanut. Twenty dollars can buy many peanuts. Explain how. Money can be exchanged for goods and services. Whoo-hoo! Whoa!

Somebody stop the fight! Where's the doctor? Kill him! Kill him! It looks like it's all over.

Would you-- Why do you have to turn everything... into one big plastic hassle? Marge, you got too many hang-ups.

Whoa, easy there, partner. (GROANING) Uh-oh. You killed him. He was my world.

Bastard! He's always one step ahead.

All the way down

I have never been so embarrassed in my life. - Why ? What did you do ? - Oh !

Butch Patrick! That's right. I was TV's Eddie Munster. And being in the public eye didn't mess me up one bit.

Honk, honk, punch. Gas, gas, gas. 8:58. First time I've ever been early for work-- except for all those daylight savings days. Lousy farmers.

Five, four, three, two-- All right! Here comes the implosion. "Implosion"? But I thought you said-- Hockey puck! Don Rickles zinged you, Marge.

For years, he was Springfield's only basketball player, but he still managed to entertain the crowds. in the market crash of 1929, he helped people jump out of windows to avoid disgrace. You're doing the right thing. Oh, oh! Out you go! Ohh! My, you're a big one. No, no turning back now. Yaah!

Yup. A shiny new apple. I get it! Everything's made of blocks! - Even the water! - Uh, hey! Ow! Hey, Boat 28, stop splashing. What are you gonna do about it?

And the Wichita lineman is still on the (VOCALIZING) line Dad, I still have a couple of questions about this.

You took all the money you made franchising your name...

This just in,

Here, lottery officials present Springfield Elementary with a brand-new eraser. One eraser? I'm used to my government betraying me. I was in 'Nam. I served for-- And speaking of lotteries here are the winning numbers for this week's $40,000 jackpot.

Hear ye! Hear ye! Hear ye! He is not the official town crier! Police, do something! Well, I'd like to, ma'am, but he's too damn good. Let him march, boys. Let the man march.

Yeow! Oh, that's it. You are goin' down. Don't! Stop it! That tree house is never gonna get built at this rate.

Hello. Hello?

Wildflowers! We don't have you in Springfield. Hello, Mr. Chipmunk. You're a northern reticulated chipmunk. Yes, you are. You are so reticulated. Hi, Mrs. Owl. You're out kind of early. La-la-la, la-la

Yeah, that's me, all right. Sorry, Moe. You can either walk out with dignity... or I can push you down this muddy hill. I'd prefer that you push me, seeing how I'm desperate for any human contact. - All right. - Thanks a lot.

Stop! Don't shoot my dad! He's innocent. He wouldn't hurt a fly.

So long, Superman. Your secret identity is safe with me.

All right. Listen. I am sick of your jokes about the wardrobe! You people can dress yourselves!

But we promised the desk clerk we'd be good. Yeah. We don't want to lose our pool privileges. Whatever. The point is, I'm Homer Simpson.

Seymour! I didn't bring you up to use language like that! You didn't bring me up at all. The hell I didn't! I've been taking care of you for 26 years! I'm the only mother you've ever known! But you have your real son. You're my real son! You've been my son longer than he has. He doesn't need me, and I don't need him!

Never mind the commercials. just give it to me. I've gotta whip this neighborhood into shape. - Move along there. - It's Hammer! Return to your homes and places of businesses.

Hey, Homer. You dirty teen! Ow! Hey, Homer, stop! Stop! It's me! Sheesh! Moe... wrecking Moe's bar? Uh-- What are--

I'm not here to sue you. My name is Astrid Weller. I own an art gallery, and I'd love to display your piece. You mean this hunk of junk? This isn't art. It's just a barbecue that pushed me over the edge. Didn't you? Didn't you? You stupid-- Uh, art isn't just pretty pictures.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Can I help you? Potato man. Where the hell have you been?

And maybe one of those dogs. What do they do? Uh, they serve as seeing eyes for the blind, sir. Do they do any other tricks? No. just the monkey then. Uh, may I inquire... as to how you are "differently-abled"? Oh. I'm not handicapped. I'm just lazy.

We now return to our 48-hour Itchy & Scratchy diamond jubilee marathon-- celebrating 75 years of rib-tickling brutality... and hilarious atrocities. The Itchy & Scratchy Show

Hey, Milhouse, big blowout at Casa de Simpson. The only adult is frail and old. Bart's joint. Uh, 2:00-ish. Be there or be square. Tell my friends ? All right, but I got some pretty funky friends. All right. I get out at noon and I'm already invited to a party.

Lisa is a nut. She has a rubber butt. Every time she turns around, it goes putt putt. Indeed. But that rubber butt doesn't have much time for turning around these days.

Boy, when Lisa comes in, I want you to make a big fuss over how she looks. She'll see through me like Grandma's underpants. No, she won't. When it comes to compliments,

Oh. I'm so stupid.

J Marge iet her jugs outJ

Everything lasts forever.

We're out of "Subliminally Slim." Uh... send them the vocabulary builder. Here you go, fatso.

Done and done. And I mean done.

It's okay, Son. Who cares what a bunch of fourth-graders think? You're doing what you want to do with your life. Nothin' else matters. Thanks, Dad. That's great advice. Yep. Well, that's what got me where I am today. Oh. There, there.

All right, dorks, this is a holdup. Oh, yes! Download to papa. Yoink dot adios, back-slash losers.

gravy, bacon fat, hummus and baba ghanoush.

Sheesh. Look at these refugees. How about a smile? They've undergone terrible hardships. Well, moping won't make it better.

So, let's review: You two screwballs have just strolled in here fresh from the sewer... and given me a bunch of bulldink about creating Itchy-- with no proof at all-- and you expect me to give you... how much?

Ouch! i call brutality on you. You have the right to remain-- All right, uh, "Simpson, Homer." - You're next. - Whoo-hoo! Howdy, gents. I'm here to collect my free-- Ow! Oh, my boating arm!

There's a stranger in the manger And his name is love Take it, Homer.

Looks like bad news for the... Impson family. Let's all calm down.

Hmm. Mmm. Mmm! Promo. Ew! Fox! Now I got ya!

Of course, one thing mother blue jay can't defend against... is a set of steel tongs. Eggs. Precious eggs.

Hi, kids! Only one week left to sign up for the bestest summer ever at Kamp Krusty! Whoa! Hey! Kamp Krusty is built on an actual Indian burial ground.

Dad, that information is all wrong! Maggie's a baby, not my best friend. You dont know anything about me.

So long, jerks! Running after the car, huh? Let's see if you can follow this! That's it.

J Oh, yeah, Weird A/ had fan on this showJ J Even if it was just a brief cameo JJ

between showgirl and that seamstress. Pipe down!

We'd be making love, and he'd have a mouth full of Hershey's Miniatures.

The other night I tripped a continental drift divide We're rockin' great! Mountains sit in a line Leonard Bernstein Leonard what's-his-name Herman Munster motorcade Birthday party, Cheetos pogo sticks and lemonade You symbiotic stupid jerk That's right, Flanders I am talking about you How did you get R.E.M. to play in your garage?

Ow! Ow! Ow! That's my face, you idiot! Idiot? Why you little-- Don't you-- I'll kill you. Homer Simpson, you're under arrest... for the murders of Moe Szyslak and Apu Nahasa-- pasa-- Ah, just Moe. Just Moe.

Ladies and gentlemen, nothing brings out the stars... like the maiden voyage of a monorail.

This film will self-destruct... if not properly stored.

What advantages does this motorcar have... over, say, a train? Which I could also afford. Well, you'll notice how the heated gas pedal warms your feet while-- Gently massages your buttocks. Well, Count Homer, shall we discuss the-- No, we shan't. Yoicks!

Pray for Mojo.

Oh! The other one too. Oh! Fired after all these years of loyal service. I don't want to live anymore! Oh! Give me that wiener!

Oh, crikey! You gave me a smash on the noggin last year. Not in my parlor, you don't. Aah! Me eyes! I'm scalded, I am!

Bart, what's wrong with you?

Tappa-tappa-tappa, tappa-tappa-tappa. Oh. Whoa! Ow!

Uh, Marge's auto-dialer.

(GROANS) Now, I must bury my son while you wander the earth forever with the mark of evil upon your face. (CROWD GASPS)

What are you gonna spend your money on, kids? There's a special on tacos down at the Taco Mat-- hundred tacos for $100-- I'm gonna get that. I'm gonna contribute my money to the Corporation for Public Broadcasting. Tacos? Public broadcasting? I won't have you kids throwing away your money like that. You're both coming downtown with me, and you're gonna put that money in the bank.

(SCREAMING)

Well, I guess that wraps it up. There's one thing I don't get though. When my face was crushed, why did it go back to my old face? Shouldn't it have turned into some kind of third face that was different? Don't make no--

Can't you see what he's saying ? A happy worker is a busy worker.

Well, Seymour, you are an odd fellow, but I must say you steam a good ham.

Let me give you the grand tour. This is one of our many light switches. It functions in both the on and off mode. On, off. On, off. He knows how to work a light switch. Oh, yeah, right. I don't know what this switch does. This is really good, Marge.

If you're really Michael jackson who were your last four Grammy dates? Brooke Shields, Diana Ross, Emmanuel Lewis and Bubbles. Shiver me timbers! You are Michael jackson! Can you stay on the line while I get all my friends and relatives? I'm afraid not. Your father needs your help. You don't want him to get a lobotomy, do you?

But it was worth it to get back our Super Sugar Crisp cereal. Can't get enough of that Sugar Crisp I'm having a hard time seeing. Homer, did you remember to put the fog lights in? Guess I forgot to put the fog lights in I better pull over and play it safe.

Ahh!

Worked like a charm. How sweet it is. Hmm.

Go ahead-a, Bart. Take-a the Bonestorm. The store, she's so rich she'll-a never notice.

Drunk? No! No.

Give me a white wine spritzer. Spritzer--

He doesn't mean any harm. I can wait all--

Hmm? No, thanks.

- Mm-hmm. - Silly goose. Why didn't you say so? Get him, boys. The hooligans! Bash his eyes out! It's a beautiful day to kick your ass! You die now!

All right! Yes, that's very healthy, Ned. And if you really tick me off, I'm gonna run you down with my car. Yeah, uh-- Um-- Oh! Oh! Ned, you're so crazy.

Speaking of which, how about seconds? Comin' up!

Oh ! I'm-- I'm awfully sorry. Entirely my fault. It is nice to meet you, Homer. Oh, no, no. Homer's my... ball's name.

Heh. Life dont seem so hard no more. Look, Maggie's in the paper with Moe. How cute. Look at those pants! They're standing up with no one in them!

Stunned league officials say point shaving may have occurred... in as many as three Harlem Globetrotters games. And in business news, Groovy Grove juice Corporation has announced... it will miss delivery on its third-quarter shipment. A spokesman attributed the production shutdown to a half-witted oaf.

Now, a brilliant jazz musician who's inspired me to do some improv poetry. Twinkle, twinkle, groovy cat. How I wonder where you at. I really love the way you cook. just like me when I wrote this book. How to Make Love to Steve Allen, from the author of Happiness is a Naked Steve Allen, journey to the Center of Steve Allen,

But they won't! They won't let me live!

oh, shake, shake, shake shake, shake, shake shake your booty shake your booty ow, if you Can you can do it very well

No bids for item 751? A buck. I have a buck. I have one dollar. I have one dollar there. Do I hear two? Sold-- for a buck.

Leaves of Grass my ass!

We told you to hold on to the handrail. We asked you not to spit over the side.

no more pills or alcohol no more pot or demerol no more stinking fun at all I'm checkin' in

Well, Bart, what do you think of little Lisa?

Rainier Wolfcastle! Oh, I love your movies... and your Powersauce bars and your taught, rippling-- Hey, hey, hey. That's enough. Now step over to the Abdominator, and I will shout slogans at you. Push. Harder. Go past the max. Reach over the top. Master your ass.

Who designed this house?

Awesome! So long, suckers!

HOMER: Oh, anonymous girl who turned out to be Marge!

Stop it! Stop it, stop it!

No on 24. No on 24. It's a landslide! Yes on 24. The proposition passed with a record 95%. When are people going to learn? Democracy doesn't work!

Wha-- Dad, where are you? Tonight on Wings-- Ah, who cares?

It was also the year of the very first Scratchy cartoon, entitled "That Happy Cat."

1796. A fiercely determined band of pioneers leaves Maryland... after misinterpreting a passage in the Bible. Their destination: New Sodom.

What are you looking at me like that for ? You believed his cock-and-bull story. It's looking good, Mr. Simpson. It's looking very, very good. They hate me ? Well, what trial were you watching ? Maybe a settlement-- Oh, yes, settlement ! Fine !

Hey, Bart. Check out my new earring. Pretty cool, huh? Milhouse, my mom wears earrings. Do you think she's cool? No! I think she's hot! Sorry. It just slipped out.

Well, I'm done for.

Care to join me in a belt of scotch? It's 9:30 in the morning. Yeah, but I haven't slept in days. Last chance. Oh, yeah.

No, please. I don't care what you've done. You're still a decent, honorable man. Mmm.

Oh, hey, hey. Maybe some things are too good to be kept a secret. I guess so. Compliments of the house-- One Flaming... Homer. Aw, thanks, Moe. You're the greatest friend a guy could ever have.

Looks like I didn't need the keys after all. I'll take the masterpieces. Thank you. Consarn it! You coward! You're an embarrassment to the name Hellfish! Oh, am I? No! Look! Take the art if you want. just don't hurt the boy.

like linseed oil or Dr. Shumway's--

Dad, what a nice surprise. Get that away from me. Kids, I don't want you drinking any more milk... ever. Can I still drink it? Go nuts. All right!

Carl, let me die first. I couldn't bear to watch you die. Well, okay, but hurry up. Oh, Moe! They're dead! And it's all my fault! When did that happen?

Ow! Oh, my back. Dr. Steve didn't do anything! Did you do those exercises he gave you? Yeah, right. I did 'em while you were studying. Ow! Oh! Ow! Dad, are you okay?

Uh, Homer? Oh, right.

You're watching PBS. You're watching PBS?

Richard Dean Anderson will be in my dreams tonight.

Ahh! WEll, I'm rappin' A.B. And I'm here to say if you wanna drink beeR duff's the only way I said the only way breakdown

I think it's ironic that Dad saved the day... while a slimmer man would have fallen to his death. And I think it's ironic that, for once, Dad's butt... prevented the release of toxic gas-- Bart! We'll have you out of there as soon as our tech boys get you decontaminated. Thank you, Mr. Burns.

I'll lavish my attention on Maggie, the forgotten Simpson. Maggie! It's me, Daddy! Daddy's gonna spend a lot more time with you. Yes, he is. Yes, he is!

Spare my life and I will grant you three wi-- Knife goes in, guts come out. Yippee! Time for the company loyalty song. Knife goes in guts come out that's what osaka seafood concern is all about Well, this sucks. What else is on?

Poor Selma. You were having... such a lovely evening... And then I went and spoiled it all by doing something stupid like explode you sideshow Bob, I'm afraid the only victims here...

Strange. Regular ham doesn't thrill me anymore. Hmm. I'm crossing over to deviled ham.

¡Ay, un gato malodoro!

NO-O-o. I need some more ether. I can still feel the movement of the emery board. We're fresh out, sir. I'll get some more. Leave the rag. Mmm. Uh, excuse me, Mr. Burns.

Oh, gosh. You know, I'm not much on speeches, but it's so gratifying... to leave you wallowing in the mess you've made. You're screwed. Thank you. Bye. He's right. He ain't much on speeches.

Uh, yeah. It's really something.

and instead they're home watching a cat and mouse disembowel each other. Hey, don't worry, Marge. Pretty soon, every boy and girl in Springfield Elementary School is gonna come see this thing. Really ? Why ? They're forcing 'em ! Oh.

The world's greatest Web site. Hello! Hello! Hello! You'd think all the noises would be annoying, but they're not. I got suspended from school today. No kiddin'? What do you think of my page, Lisa? Be honest. It's great, isn't it? Go ahead and say it's great if you want to.

Hey, Homer, here's a bloopie for you. I've got it. It's in the bag. Oh! Mm-mmm.

Oh, all these new superheroes suck. None of them could hold a candle to Radioactive Man. The only decent new one is Radiation Dude.

You keep squirming, there's going to be a little bald girl with no lollipop.

No. Don't lie to me, boy. Uh-huh! Cigarettes. just as I thought. My boss said his warehouse was full. Yeah, right. Son, I'm gonna teach you a lesson. I'm going to stand here and watch you smoke every one of those cigarettes.

This is my wife, Marge. Hello.

Wolf! Wolf! Wolf! I'm afraid you'll have to do better than that. - Ow! - Sorry. No sale. You're wasting valuable test time.

Ow! What's the matter with you, you crazy old buzzard?

I needed a new heel for my shoe, so I decided to go to Morganville, which is what they called Shelbyville in those days. So I tied an onion to my belt, which was the style at the time.

Son, whether you want to win a girl or crack a nut, the key is persistence.

Son, a woman is a lot like, um, a refrigerator. They're about six feet tall, 300 pounds. They make ice and-- Oh, wait a minute. Actually, a woman is more like a beer. They smell good. They look good.

Then I have no choice.

Well, sir, I have to get to work. Lenny's a real bear on tardiness. Are there any chores I can do? Uh, no, no. Uh, you just stay here and maintain your dignity.

But if I don't show up in a rubber suit shaped like the state of Florida, I'll be the laughingstock of the whole school. Oh, it's always something, isn't it? First I have to drive your pregnant mother to the hospital... so she can give birth to you, and now this! Ow, ow, ow, ow. Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow!

Oh, yeah? Prove it! That's your license plate, isn't it? Uh-- All right! just go ahead and sue me! Everybody else does! The average settlement is $68,000.

Well, you know, boys a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman--

With your father on the road all the time, I tried to compensate for his absence. Hi, kids. I love-- Aaah! Aaah!

Are not!

(GROANING) Everyone chickened out. Except Ralph. He got poached by the Chicago Tribune. I guess we're down to just me.

Todd, no!

7:00, Friday night, Mother. Time for our weekly silhouette. No! Cutting out your ugly nose gives me a hand cramp! Oh, but you love silhouette night. And then we go through your bird book and make up silly captions-- Why are you all dressed up? I'm sick of this house, and I'm sick of you!

Tacos? Public broadcasting?

Auditions will be tomorrow at my estate. And now, our feature presentation. Oh, for-- Oh, very well. Let's all go to the lobby Let's all go to the lobby Let's all go to the lobby Get ourselves some snacks

Come on, Milhouse. We are going. Oh, can't I come home later? There's not going to be a home later. Oh, okay. Ta-ta! I'm off to the beauty salon! Good night. Thanks for coming. We'll see you. Bye-bye. Well, I think that went pretty well.

Ah. Ha-ha! Oh, the gentle caress of a summer breeze.

I don't get it, Mel. How can you be so calm and cool?

Let me just say you're doin' a great job, Phil. Hey, thanks a lot. That makes it all worthwhile.

Hmm. Hmm. Hey.

That was a nice film I had once. Last time I try to impress a four-year-old. Well, see ya, kid. You can't just go back to the gutter. You created Itchy. You should be a millionaire. Ah, Roger Myers wouldn't give me a cent in the '20s.

Uuh! I'm not the thief. The government is. Every year you make hardworking joes like my reporter friend here pay income taxes. And for what? Aid to ungrateful foreigners, do-nothing nuclear missiles, tomb polish for some unknown soldier. Hey, he's right.

Actually, I thought it was a little labored. Oh. You gotta lose yourself in the moment, man. Yeah. Like-- Yeah! Okay. Great. Okay. Let-Let's just try that again. Okay? Come on. Hey. Come on. Hey-ey-ey! Hey, get over here! Okay. Now, you're you, I'm me. I'm me? Hey, don't jerk me around, fella.

I'm glad you're okay, Bart.

and most of all, I need you to love me, because I love you. But how do I know I can trust you? Marge, look at me. We've been separated for a day, and I'm as dirty as a Frenchman.

So long, suckers.

(GROANS) Now, I must bury my son while you wander the earth forever with the mark of evil upon your face. (CROWD GASPS) (ALL CHEERING)

Why didn't I think of that? Hammocks! Homer, there's four places. There's the Hammock Hut. That's on Third. Uh-huh. There's Hammocks-R-Us. That's on Third too. - You got Put-Your-Butt-There. - Mm-hmm. - That's on Third. Swing Low, Sweet Chariot. - Right. Matter of fact, they're all in the same complex. It's the hammock complex on Third. Oh, the hammock district. That's right.

Well, l’s here to win back Brandine. She been making eyes at that photographer... what come to document our squalor.

f Marge's Voice f Wha- Oh. f Lisa's Voice f f Bats Voice f

No. The Playboy Mansion. Playboy Mansion! Shut up! It's my car, and I say we're going to the lost city of gold. That's just drunk talk. Sweet, beautiful drunk talk.

But you have a lot to learn about being parents. Before I can return your children, you'll have to complete a course called family skills. It teaches parents to listen to their-- Communication. Gotcha. But it's important to-- Listen! Yes, I know! But there's more to it than-- I have listening skills! Mr. Simpson, would you please-- Shut up, judge! Peek-a-boo! I see you!

Guaranteed to rock the boat Machine-gun rap and locomote Get dancin', dancin', dance Come on, baby. Come out there and dance to your song. Turn yourself on! Over Hollywood-- America needs you! We need you to go dance! We need you to get together and boogie-woogie-woogie-boogie!

Okay, i hear that. i hear that, dudes! You too, Gracie music dude! Guh!

Oh, there he is. No! It couldn't be! Phew! Thanks for holding my book while I tied my shoe.

It looks as if you girls have been getting along all right, but it's a darn good thing we found you when we did. There's something horrible roaming these woods. There is ? Why, that's my husband !

Aw, for flavin' out loud. I hope he doesnt do anything to ruin the space-time continuum. That's all l- Oh, dear.

By going down the ladder, you're agreeing not to sue! Oh! Oh! Head... burning. Legs... freezing. Middle-- very pleasant. Oh, thank God. The dog's here.

How was jerk practice, boy? Did they teach you how to sing to trees... and build crappy furniture out of useless wooden logs? Huh? D'oh! Stupid poetic justice!

Or there's the dance that made me ever so famous-- tap. But I want to learn a dance I can use in real life, like the tango de la muerte. Oh, bless your heart. Let's get you some tap shoes. Uh, Little Vicki, I really think she had her heart set on-- Little advice, don't live through your child. Okay.

Mr. Moe, steady as she goes.

I demand a recount. One for Martin, two for Martin. Would you like another recount ? No. Well, I just wanna make sure. One for Martin, two for Martin. This way, Mr. President. Now boarding on track five,

Look, Smithers! Garbo is coming! Uh, yes, sir.

Guest director, Oliver Stone. Oh, God! Get his gun! The itChy and scraTchy show "Hundreds would die, but not the thing they died for.

Now, at last, I have found it. Ladies and gentlemen, presenting the car designed for the average man, the Homer !

Tonight is silhouette night. Sit there. I really just came home to change into a turtleneck. Seymour, sit! In the morning. Oh, Mom, I'm borrowing your car.

Shoelace-- NO-O-O-o !

Our first little genius is Ralph Wiggum.

Knife goes in guts come out that's what osaka seafood concern is all about Well, this sucks. What else is on?

You're selling what now? I'm selling only the concept of karmic realignment. You can't sell that! Karma can only be portioned out by the cosmos. He's got me there.

Did you see that? I did the deed. Open up! Oh, I'm so sorry. I wasn't looking. Hey, I thought you guys could see everything. No. You're thinking of Santa Claus. Well, I'll be damned. I'm afraid so, yes.

Doh ! Anybody home ? Ooh, I've got to go, Homer.

So, what did you children learn about today ? Hell. Bart ! That's what we learned about. I sure as hell can't tell you about hell unless I say "hell," can I ? The lad has a point. Hell, yes ! Bart !

Unlikely, sir. They-- They spell and pronounce their name differently.

Yummy, yummy, yummy I got love iN my tummy and I feel like lovin' you love is such A sweet thing good enough to eat thing Sorry, but the punishment stands.

Now, turn in your pricing gun. Oh! The other one too. Oh! Fired after all these years of loyal service.

Glove slap, baby A glove slap, baby Glove slap Baby, glove slap Glove slap i don't take crap Glove slap shut your big yap

Ow! Not the pointed end, you dumb-ass! Reinforcements! Tanks? Oh, this is just too inaccurate. Uh, well, then you're definitely not going to like...

Boohoo! You're breakin' my heart. Homie, I think the baby's coming. Wow. A baby and a free burger. Could this be the best day of my life? Coming up next, an hour-long episode of Mama's Family. Yes!

Hmm ? Oh, no, boys. Not the can, please. Doh !

Oh! Hi, kids. How was Duff Gardens? Can't talk. Comin' down. How do you do it, Homer? You take an ordinary bedsheet, fold it around like this-- No. I mean raising kids.

Barney ain't never comin' back. Here we are, Mr. Gumble. Huh? Thanks for the lift! Barney, where's my car? All I remember about the last two months... is giving a guest lecture at Villanova. Or maybe it was a street corner.

As you know, it's been my lifelong dream to become a blackjack dealer. Your lifelong dream was to be a contestant on The Gong Show. And you did it in 1977. Remember?

Ach! Ingrates.

You mean your husband never cooked for you? Well, once. Homer, I don't think this fish is quite dead yet. Marge, please, I'm having enough trouble with the lobsters.

Our top story: Killer dolphins.

Grampa! I don't mind when you spit at home. But I have to work with these people. Oh, jabber jacks! Schoolhouse don't put out spittoons, I ain't responsible. All right, seniors, we'd all love to share in your wisdom, experience, yadda, yadda, yadda.

A Quarter Pounder with cheese. Quarter Pounder with cheese? Well, I can picture the cheese, but, uh-- Do they have Krusty partially gelatinated nondairy gum-based beverages? Mm-hmm. They call 'em shakes. "Shakes." You don't know what you're gettin'. Well, I know what I'm gettin'-- some doughnuts.

For years, TV critics such as yours truly, Kent Brockman, have waited impatiently for cracks to appear in the show's hilarious facade. Yesterday our prayers were finally answered... when Poochie the Dog made his howlingly unfunny debut. Far be it from me to gloat in another's downfall,

Uh-oh! We gotta get outta here. Just take 'em all!

Why, here's Fox News. We are the champions My friend The cause of all this commotion is mayor and suspected illegal immigrant Joe Quimby, named today in paternity suits by 27 different women.

And pointed right towards center field This time I'm hittin' a home run This time love is for real Hey, Dad, can I do a hambone solo? Stop it.

You know, I went to the McDonald's in, uh, Shelbyville on Friday night. The Mc-what? Uh, McDonald's restaurant. I-- I never heard of it either, but, uh, they have over 2,000 locations in this state alone. Must have sprung up overnight.

Homer!

Boring!

You have plenty of white shirts. Oh, gimme, gimme, gimme.

Ahh.

Now turn to the next problem. If you have three Pepsis and drink one, how much more refreshed are you?

No one asked you to yell and slash! It's called "schmoozing!" (TIRES SCREECHING) Bart, you want to go to the video arcade? Hell, I'll even go shoe shopping. Hey! Come back! I'm calming down! We'll have family fun! Family fun!

(GRUNTS) (SQUEAKING) I want you to look into the faces of those poor men. Each one is a life you made worse with your ratting. (ALL STRAINING)

Why do people worry about stuff? It's all gonna work out. All good points. Sleep tight, my drunken angel.

Did you really have to break so much furniture? You tell me, Chief. You had a pretty good view from behind your desk.

Hey, guys. This butt's for you. Oh, no! No one does this to Dolph! No one! (LAUGHS) Uh-oh! Whoa! I'm riding a unicycle with my pants down. This should be every boy's dream.

(BRAKES SCREECHING) Look at the American computer monkey.

Honey, I don't know what you're feelin' right now, so I don't wanna push anything. We can just hold hands or sit and talk. Whoo!

It's a good offer. I advise you to take it.

No! Oh. This is such an eye-opener. I always pictured the kids dying in the living room. Okay. With the window bars, toilet latches, dingo alarm and grapefruit squirt shield, your total cost would be-- Wow! I'm rich!

Uh, Dad. Towel rack.

Bleh! This virtual fudge tastes like crap. Mmm. Mmm. Not half as good as cyber-fudge. Yo. It's me! Oh, what a bleak, horrible future we live in! Don't you mean "present"? Right, right. Present.

but mostly great anger. There are perfectly logical explanations for everything that happened. The bonfire sent soot into the air, which created rain. And with all the trees cut down, a flood was inevitable. Yeah, but what made the rain stop? I dunno. Buddha?

Krusty looks fat. He's really having trouble keeping his balance. He's still funny, but not ha-ha funny. That's not Krusty the Clown! What do you think? I slapped a clown suit on some wino? I mean, I-- Yeah, Bart. I am so Krunchy the Clown!

Hey, wait! I'm okay today! My mom bought me deodorant!

Yes? I'm not gonna make it. Oh, stop talking crazy. just do one thing for me. Get... Mendoza. Mendoza!

And stay out!

Dad, it's in there again! No! It's stuck on my hand!

And now please rise for our opening hymn, uh, "In the Garden of Eden"... by I. Ron Butterfly.

Lisa, if we start conserving, the environmentalists win! Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Jingle Bell R-- Huh? Jingle bell what?

We're shutting down production. Yeah, well, we only have $1,000 left anyway. Ah, there's a $1,000 "leaving town" tax.

D'oh! A deer! A female deer.

Oh, that's the dumbest thing I ever heard, you stupid little kid! Homer, you’re heading for a parental face-plant.

You'll pay for this with your children's blood! Oh, right. How you gonna get 'em? Skeleton power? I'll strike where you cannot protect them-- in their dreams!

It's like there's been a curse on me. It's all my fault. No, it's not. Yes, it is. You tried to warn me about gambling my family's future on some pig in a poke.

Oh, boy! Grandma! We're not going anywhere. But you said-- Uh, sometimes to keep from hurting someone's feelings, we have to say things that aren't exactly-- Lies make Baby jesus cry.

You did it, Dad! You can't prove I did it.

So, uh, ain't you guys gonna ask me about my hat? - Ah! - Ah! Hey, Carl, what's with the hat? Oh, what, this thing? I got it down at the museum. It's what the ancient Egyptians call a souvenir. My daughter's at that Egyptian dealie right now.

Not my extendo-glove! Oh, they haven't made those since the war. Not-- Oh, not my Paris backdrop! How am I gonna make fun of the Frogs?

If people don't support this thing, it might not make it. Joe Willie Namath swaggering off the field, his sideburns an apogee of sculpted "sartorium"-- the foppish follicles pioneered by Ambrose Burnside, Appomattox, 1865.

Could you dumb it down a shade? Doctor, we'll do whatever it takes to get my Homie well.

Tito Puente! He's ready to give up the drudgery of the professional mambo circuit... and settle into a nice teaching job. Man, it will be my pleasure. Lisa has told me all your students are as bright and dedicated to jazz as she is.

Hello! Stop saying "hello"! Okay, calm down, Lisa. D.M.Y. What's D.M.Y.? "Don't mess yourself." Ew! Yeah. That's why we changed it to D.M.Y. Don't worry, Lisa. There's still plenty of time. You'll get a date. I don't want a date!

That's good!

"Loud"? That's our secret word for the day! Oh, my God!

Are you going through our garbage? That's right. You fat cats didn't finish your plankton. Now it's mine.

Uh, excuse me. Excuse me. We have one more bachelor. CaSh the check Wha-- just tell them about yourself. Oh. Um-- Well, I have a doctorate in computer science. Sounds pretty good to me. Um, I run my own business, of course.

Lemons.

Huh? Oh, no. The train!

I caught a head. Oh, dang. It's been scooped out.

The Butter Baby Flapjack Company sponsored me and a fella named McAllister. We were almost to the top when we ran low on supplies. Heroically, i gave him the last short stack.

Ah, I just threw on an old rerun. No one will know the difference. Huh? Huh? Huh? Eh, children, remain calm. The Falkland Islands have just been invaded. I repeat, the Falklands have just been invaded!

For the love of God, let us out! Let us out! Mmm? Come on! Will you let us out? Sorry. You're going to be very, very sorry!

Oh. Well, then we'll take it out on Eli Whitney. Authorities say the phony pope... can be recognized by his high-top sneakers and incredibly foul mouth. In other news, Thomas Edison, the greatest inventor of all time-- is apparently still inventing, despite the notable handicap of being dead.

A problem with the reactor?! We're all going to die!

Huh? That's weird. It's like something out of that twilight-y show about that zone. How's it hangin', Marge? Yuck! I'm baking like a meat loaf under this wet wool. Uh, may I take your coat, Aunt Selma?

went to get the paper, fell down and had the door slam behind them and the doorknob break off. And I'd like to thank Lester for reuniting me with my estranged wife. I never even heard about that. I don't understand it. We're always the ones who solve these problems.

How do you know you don't like bribes if you've never taken one? Here. Say, this is nice. - No! No bribes! - Okay, you win. From now on, we'll stick to smuggling heroin. See that you do! At first, I thought prohibition was a good thing.

Homer, what are you doing? Driving up to the main building. They got valet parking tonight. We can't drive this up there. They'll see the dent. They'll see the coat hanger antenna. Stop the car. Were walking. But, Marge! Valets! For once maybe someone will call me "sir" without adding, "You're making a scene."

Ah, yes. Rusty and dull.

I'm gonna kill you, Homer. You are so dead. Now Chinatown was a classic. But you had problems with the sequel, The Two jakes? Oh, boy. Disappointed? I had the blues like Chasen's had chili. I said to myself, "Evans, you forgot Hollywood rule number one-- kill Homer Simpson."

Shut up and let the woman talk!

(CHOKING) Joke's on me, is it? Ah! (WHIRRING) (GAGGING) (HOMER GROANING) (CHOKING) MARGE: What's all that racket? It's old lady Simpson! Run!

- Colder. Ice cold. - Huh ? Do you know where my keys are ? No. I'm talkin' about your breakfast. Did you try the rumpus room ? Rumpus room ? Great idea. Oh, Dad. Huh ? Doh ! Oh, Homer.

You've just stolen copyrighted material from everyone else. They could sue you for that. I took a swing at a cop. They can't sue me if they don't know who I am. I'll just call myself "Mr. X." I'm just mad all the time. Yep, you can't go wrong with Mr. X.

Look. I know this has been a stressful holiday.

I did it. I made it all the way to-- Aw, crap! It just keeps going! I give up. You beat me, mountain!

I told you last night, no!

No!

No, no, no, no, no! Ay. ¿DÓnde estÁ mi tequila?

Homer! Homer! Homer!

Balki, you 're dancing in the toiietl [Audience Laughing f

Ingenious, isn't it, Mr. Bont? Scorpio, you're totally mad. I wouldn't point fingers, you jerk. So, do you expect me to talk? I don't expect anything from you except to die and be a very cheap funeral. You're gonna die now.

You're next, Mr. Simpson. Hey, wait a minute. Airport tax: five dollars? Sir, it's a standard fee. Well, we are not boarding that plane unless you waive that tax. Waive it!

That's Kabbalah, jerk! (GRUNTING) Stupid kids ruin everything!

Homer, did you go out and buy a 20-pound ham? What's all this? D'oh! "For heroic competence.

Ah, nuts. Hello? China? A little help? Well, I never thought it would come to this,

Hmm. What would the captain say in my spot? Don't fire the torpedoes! Fire the torpedoes! We've been hit by an officer!

Attempted murder! Now, honestly, what is that? Do they give a Nobel Prize for attempted chemistry? Do they?

You were a rotten wife, and I'll never ever forgive you! Can we have sex? Please? - Oh, Abe! - Well, I tried. What's for supper?

Stop it! Stop it! Let go of my hand! D'oh! Why couldn't I be on one of the smart rafts?

The dream was over. Coming up: Was the dream really over? Yes, it was. Or was it? And Homer finds a new passion:

Ahh, that dummy doesn't scare me. I've had plenty of guys come after me, and I've buried 'em all. Hobos, sea captains, Joey Bishop-- - Don't forget the Special Olympics. - Oh, yeah. I slaughtered the Special Olympics.

Bart, we're gonna lose. We have to do something! Lisa, kids are the problem. Maybe kids can be the solution! Okay. But how? Hey, I'm the visionary. You come up with the nuts and bolts.

Look who's in my fart-- O.J. I'm gonna kill you all. Aaah. Aaah. Aaah. Cartoon violence! Cartoon violence! Now I'm gonna find the real killers. Kids, that cartoon's not life-affirming.

Tracey Ullman was entertaining America... with songs, sketches and crudely drawn filler material. And Bart was eagerly awaiting his first day of school. Don't worry be happy Look, Mama!

I can do that.

Good thing you warned me.

Howdy, stranger !

At Kitty Hawk in 1903, Charles Lindbergh flew it 15 miles on a thimbleful of corn oil. Single-handedly won us the Civil War, it did. So, how do you know so much about American history? I pieced it together mostly from sugar packets.

I'm gonna kill him. No, I'm killing him first.

Now I'll ruin you like a japanese banquet. I'll take your head and-- Gorbachev? What-- What are you doing here? I just dropped by with present for warming of house. Instead find you grappling with local oaf.

The reason I look unhappy is that tonight... I have to see a slide show starring my wife's sisters. Or as I call 'em, the Gruesome Twosome. Ow, my foot, you lousy, stupid, clumsy-- Sorry, pal.

Doughnuts I got doughnuts I got-- Hey. I know you.

Too ethnic, change it.

(SCOFFS) Nice try, loser! I bet you made up a fake test. Nope. It's real. Check out the watermark. All right. HOMER: D'oh!

But on the plus side, I knocked over the sun sphere. Ha-ha!

Oh! All this hunger for nothing!

Instead of time-tested jokes about women drivers and doctor bills, you got some big-chin schlub... reading typos from the Palookaville Post. Well, here's a headline for you: Nobody cares.

J; Now, a guitar has many, many nicknames: an ax, a gitbox- I guess that's it. Anyway, we're gonna start with the fundamentals: playing a burning guitar with your teeth. All right! Fire!

Mom, Lisa's making me feel bad! Stop it, Lisa! That shut her up.

Hello. This is Moleman in the Morning. Good Moleman to you.

Gentlemen, we now have a girl cadet among our ranks, so we're gonna have to make a few changes. First of all, Franklin, you are no longer the girliest cadet here. Well, we'll see about that.

by eating your shorts. Whoa! Whoa!

Oh. Thank you, shoppie. I-- I ventured in to search for milk when the door snapped shut behind me. Yeah. Those dairy cases are death traps.

Either that, or Batman's really let himself go. Alone! I'm alone! I'm a lonely, insignificant speck... on a has-been planet orbited by a cold, indifferent sun!

You know, Smithers, I've always despised the laziness of the common worker. Then I realized his spirit was willing, but the flesh was weak. I replaced the flesh, which is weak, with steel, which is strong. Behold! The greatest breakthrough in labor relations... since the cat-o'-nine-tails!

Ow! Ow! This job sure is easy. Now to press this button. Not again! Angry Dad, you're fired.

Hmm. Sorry, Surly. Shut up. Don't blame these kids. It's not their fault. I think their father is missing a chromosome. Miss Bouvier, while we were rescuing this boy, hoodlums made off with three bumper cars!

D'oh!

Yes. And one with extra cheese. - Thank you. - C-Can I use your bathroom? No. You may not. The bathroom is for paying customers only. If you purchase an item, you may use the bathroom. Okay. Um, how about that?

Are the good people at best western hotels. Bart! Selma! Oh! You tried to kill me. I want a separation. My best-laid plans have gang agley.

Now, here's my "Everything's Okay" alarm. This will sound every three seconds... unless something isn't okay. Turn that off, Homer. It can't be turned off.

oooh

Mr. Army Man? I can't sleep without my Reggie Rabbit. Is that some sort of plush novelty? Yes, ma'am. Well, here's a scouring pad. It's just as good. It's cold and hurt-y.

I'm sorry.

There must be something else. Think, Marge, think. Culture... Vulture... Birds of prey... Pray in a church... The Father, Son and Holy Ghost... Ghosts are scary... Scary rhymes with Gehry! That's it! Architect Frank Gehry! He could build us a concert hall like he did in Los Angeles.

Excuse me, little lady. The wheelbarrow line's over there. Oh, loneliness and cheeseburgers are a dangerous mix. Hold it right there.

How come no one else's chair is doing this?

We went fishing. Do these sound like the actions of a man... who had "all he could eat"? No! That could've been me! Homer, I've a proposition for ye, fair and true.

Oh, now, now. There's no need to resort to violence. Aw, sure there is. I knew it. If only I had nagged more. God is angry. We've made a false idol of this Brad Goodman.

Lisa is a fool I think the rules are cool I've fallen in the pool

What? Oh. Precious blood.

Gentlemen, our city's sucking down the juice like my wife at an open bar. Mr. Burns, can your plant handle it? No problem. We've siphoned off extra power from the orphanage. Who are they going to complain to? Their parents? But, sir, we're at full capacity. One more appliance could overload the system. Fear not.

jeremy Irons. Jeremy's... iron. Mm-hmm. Well, that's... very good for a first try. You know what? I have a ball. Perhaps you'd like to bounce it.

Huh? Don't be alarmed, Apu. just go about your daily routine like I'm not wearing the hat. Your headgear seems to be emitting a buzzing noise, sir. Perhaps you have a bee in your bonnet. Bee?

(GROWLING) Wait, stop. I know bullets can be scary sometimes. But I have an idea. First, we pull off all your fur.

Hey, I was just kidding. That's it. He's out of here. But we're the only family he's got. This is not Happy Days, and he is not the Fonz. Hey-y-y, Mr. S.

Noooo!!

it's from Yes, I Can, by Sammy Davis, jr. An entertainer, like your son. The candy man? Maybe I'm completely upside down on this whole problem. All the years of joy that I've lost. Why? Because of my stubborn ways. There, there, Rabbi.

Hey, tubby, want another Pop-Tart, tubby?

Oh, Maggie! You got oatmeal all over. Homie, would you clean her off? Can do! Laddie! Come here, boy! Who wants to lick a messy baby? Laddie?

(GASPS) Ooh, a bread-maker maker. (WHIRRING) And check this out. A walk-in microwave. Hey, Marge, can you press "stop" when my popcorn's done? Uh-oh.

Could you explain your model, young man? What's to explain? He's an idiot! Pipe down! Well, basically, I just copied the plant we have now. Hmm. Then I added some fins to lower wind resistance-- And this racing stripe here, I feel is pretty sharp.

We're proud to present on the W.B. Another bad show that no one Will see I need a drink. It's the TV movie of the year--

How about a drinkin' contest, boy? Right after I vote on the latest bill. How about before? Ha! You remind me of my high school drinking coach. Now enough talking. Let's drink. Now your job is to attach Krusty's bill to a more popular bill--

Oh. All right.

And this is for shooting down police helicopters. Oh, I don't need anything like that... yet. just give me my gun. Sorry. The law requires a five-day waiting period. We've got to run a background check. Five days? But I'm mad now! I'd kill you if I had my gun!

Mom, I think you might be developing a gambling problem. Hey, I'm watching you.

Ooh, Mr. Movie Star... gets to park right next to the stage. Oh. Luck of the draw, I guess. Can I give you a ride to your car? Well, sure. That'd be great. So, where are you parked? Oh, we don't have a car. But I thought you-- Just keep driving, boyo.

Huh? What the--

we have planned this defense for the city. As the comet hurdles toward the city, our rocket will intercept it and blow it to smithereens. Right! Oh! Dear God, no! And that will be the end of our Mr. Comet. We're saved!

Aaah !

(BEARS GROWLING) (WEEPING) Crying in the corner, huh? Mind if I join ya? No, go ahead. (BOTH WEEPING)

And, uh, incidentally, thanks for not making fun of my genitalia. I thought I did.

Come on! You're gonna kill him with a pastry? I've seen this man eat a bowl of change.

Telegram. "Project Arcturus couldn't have succeeded without you. "This will get you a little closer to that dream of yours. "It's not the Dallas Cowboys, but it's a start. Drop me a line if you're on the East Coast. Hank Scorpio."

Old MacDonald had a farm E-I-E-I-O And on this farm he had a chick The swingingest chick I know With a wiggle-wiggle here And a wiggle-wiggle there Get off the stage! I want to, but I can't!

who rigs every Oscar night

Homer, please remember to wipe your sweat off that machine. I got a terrible rash yesterday. You know Rainier Wolfcastle? Yeah. He helped me blast through the burn and ride the zone.

There's something about flying a kite at night that's so unwholesome. Hello, Mother dear. That's it! We have to get them back to school. I'm with you, Marge. Lisa, get in here! In this house, we obey the laws of thermodynamics!

MONA: Homer, your mother loves you. I escaped from the bus the moment before it plunged off the cliff. I then hitched a ride from a nice young couple. We had lunch at a lovely diner. They had clam chowder, Rhode Island-style. I never knew there was such a thing. And the crackers kept on coming.

Wheel him out quietly. It's best the children don't see him. Oh, just get it out of here! Not into the kindergarten! Mom! Dad! Martin died at school today! Ohhh! I don't see what that has to do with Groundskeeper Willie.

And when I hear You can't walk to Turkmenistan I say of course I can Screw you Hey, would you guys like tickets to the Independent Film Awards? Would we?

Ow! - You're... going... down, punk! - Ow! Ow! Ow!

Now, that's a man.

Nooooo! Well, despite Bart's objections, the people of South Africa can now vote in free, democratic elections.

Hmm. They treat you real nice here. Hey, Salvatore, guess who's here! Mr. Kookalamanza and-a some real ugly kid.

No offense, Mom, but that was pretty cool. Homer, I think you'd agree that I've put up with a lot in this marriage.

Oh. Don't worry. This frosting will come right off. Beauty, isn't she ? It's hard for me to judge since I've never bowled in my life ! Well, if you don't want it, I know someone who does.

(SCREAMS) What are you looking at, you bastards? (HUMMING) Bart, I spent all afternoon stuffing tuna fish into that steak. Have some. No, thanks. The vending machines at school feed me now. Oh, so I've been replaced by a machine?

Hurts, don't it? Right. Do you know what a wet willie is?

Apple of her daddy's eye.

Principal Skinner, the school's on fire! Spread, spread, spread! Spread, spread, spread! It's crystal clear who did this-- Jack Crowley! No way. You don't know that Jack did this. Just because he's an ex-con-- Ooh! Crowley's an ex-con?

Just wash your hands and get out.

Won't you join our tea party? It would be ever so-- Don't do it, Lisa! It's a trick! Run! Run!

Clowns are funny.

To take you in the sun to promised lands to show you everyone it's the time of the season For loving

He was Remington Steele, wasn't he? Yes, I was, Marge. And thank you for selecting me. Well, hello, Pierce. Say, it's a bit stuffy in here. And I know a certain someone who really fancies lilac. I just like it, is all. Ooh. Mmm.

With M&M's? Now, that's what I call fusion. I could sell them on the Internet. Mmm! To the Puck-mobile. Ha! Go, go, go!

"Best in the West." It rhymes. "Clown College"? You can't eat that.

You don't have to tell me, I was number three. Listen, you have any pointers for a newbie? Well, there are six schools of begging. Bad musician, messed up vet, cripple, fake cripple, religious zealot, and crazy guy. I think you would do well with crazy guy. Coke and Pepsi are the same thing! Wake up, people!

minus two-thirds of the fare from Albuquerque to El Paso. Whoa ! Bart, there are students in this class with a chance to do well. Will you stop bothering them ?

Time to go to Duff Gardens! Oh, great. Dad's dead.

(LAUGHING) You know, the fish here are so friendly, you can walk right up and feed them. Hmm. (CHUCKLES) Well, howdy, little feller. (GROWLS) Ow! Oh! Ow! Oh! I can't wait till this is over! Ow!

Mr. Simpson, the tar fumes are making me dizzy!

Would it really be worth living in a world without television? I think the survivors would envy the dead. I appreciate your passion on behalf of your medium. But I'm afraid we're out of options. Television must go. May God have mercy on our souls.

"Tapping" into the "spines" of young voters, huh? Let's play the tape. Hey, Milhouse, cool jacket. It cost me 50,000 Bazooka joe comics.

My goodness, there is over $15,000 here. 15,000 Missoulians? Holy "schlamola"! What are you gonna do with all that "kablingy"? Well, if you mean the money, I suppose we'll just replace the items the burglar took--

Step away from the wall! Step away from the wall! Oh, it's so beautiful!

Step away, foolish amateurs. Just keep back. Keep out of it. The role is mine. With the acting and the groupies and the "Luke, Luke, save me"... with the light saber and the "vwing, vwing, vwing." That's not how you "vwing." We're doomed. Doomed.

This is horrible. The Fox network has sunk to a new low.

Is it possible to get a green spotlight? MAN: Sorry, sweetie. We don't have green. Let Daddy go talk to the man. (HUMMING)

By the time you read this, I will be in my watery grave. I can only leave you with the words my father gave me: "Stand tall, have courage and never give up." I only hope I can provide a better model... in death than I did in life.

You don't have the intelligence to rig an election by yourself, do you? You were just Barlow's lackey! You were Ronnie to his Nancy! Sonny to his Cher! Ringo to his rest of the Beatles! Enough! Lies, lies, lies! I did it! I did it all!

We're gonna go out and par-ty! Wait a minute. I'll put on my snow pants. Me too. Me too. Ah, the college road trip. What better way to spread beer-fueled mayhem? If you're going for a ride, I'd like you to take Bart and Lisa. But, Marge, we're college guys, and we're up to no good.

Homer, your spine.

All right, time for a family meeting. Why can't we have a meeting when you're watching TV ? Now look, you know and I know this family needs help, professional help. So I've made us an appointment with Dr. Marvin Monroe. The fat guy on TV ? You're sending us to a doctor who advertises on pro wrestling ?

You got a fresh sound. It'll play well at this school.

I'm me?

Que Sera, Sera

Ow ! Quit it. Ow ! Quit it. Ow ! Quit it. Ow ! Quit it. Hey, what's with this ? Ow ! Quit it ! Used to be a real boss tattoo.

Herman, I had to come out here to see what's so funny. A counterfeit jeans ring operating out of my car hole! I'm gonna tell everyone. Wait here. Not so fast. Okay. Maybe you should just stop entirely.

Help! Nurse! Someone's trying to kill me! Okay, we'll do something about that right away. Let's start by doubling your medication. Our residents... are trying... to nap!

Are you sure this is the casino? I think I should call my manager. Your manager says for you to shut up! Vera said that? Huh. Dad! Mom said she'd be home to help me with my costume. And she's not! And the geography pageant is tonight!

All right, Mom. I promise you will never be billed for another call. Bobby Sherman.

Hello. I'm Kent Brockman, and this is Eye on Springfield.

And now, let's give a big Fort Springfield welcome... to Mr. Bob Hope! What's the mayor's name? Quimby. Beautiful. Hello, this is Bob "What the hell am I doing in Springfield" Hope.

Bart! Bart! Krusty just fired his associate producer. - I'm reading. - No way. "The Seven Habits of Highly Effective Pre-Teens"? Is this all because of the-- Joke if you will, but did you know most people use 10% of their brains? I am now one of them.

I'm afraid that's insufficient. Officer, arrest the baby. Yeah, right, Pops. No jury in the world's gonna convict a baby.

What did you do to my car? Dude, you've been chop shopped! Why would you do that? How am I gonna get home? Chop shop! Chop shop! (ZAPPING) Huh? (GASPS) Hey! You knocked out my power.

You might've hurt someone! Are you some kind of moron? Yeah, but--

And I further decree... that everything will be just like it was... before all this happened. And no one will ever mention it again... under penalty of torture.

Football injury. (LAUGHS) Now why don't you just sign the check? Here, use my pen. Forget it. (ROARS)

Oh, Lisa, it's terrible. Okay. This dance has gone Titanic. What happened? Well, the boys and girls are, like, afraid of each other. They're acting like a bunch of-- Kids? I know! What is up with that? It's because they are kids, and so are we.

I am sure I don't know, but I did just finish... playing Rum Tum Tugger in the second national touring company of Cats. Anybody see it ?

Well, it will be okay. We'll get him a new dog-- one with an untwistable stomach. Oh, come on. I'm sorry but we just can't afford it. Marge, make him stop. Oh!

I'm Carl. He sounds good. Hire him. I'll call you back, Marge. Simpson. Meeting in the board room tomorrow at 2:00.

Charge! Your dad ever take you to baseball games? Nah. His game was blackjack. He bet our life savings on a single hand.

Jingle bells jingle bells Bart! Why are you doing that? I don't know. Well, this time you must be punished! Well, you could punish me, but--

A round of applause please for Anastasia! She loves show business. So much nicer than the savagery of the jungle, ja? Hey, tiger! Wake up!

Slow, then fast. - Uh-oh. - Dad, please. For the last time, I beg you. Don't lower yourself to the level of the mob. Lisa, maybe if I'm part of that mob, I can help steer it in wise directions.

You, uh-- You chopped off the president's head. Bet you didn't see that coming. You impaled a United States senator with the American flag. Why did Mr. Smith kill everybody? It was symbolism. He was mad!

Ahoy-hoy. Greetings, friend. Do you wish to look as happy as me? Well, you've got the power inside you right now. So use it, and send one dollar to Happy Dude! 742 Evergreen Terrace, Springfield. Don't delay. Eternal happiness is just a dollar away.

I'm a man of few words. Any questions? Uh, is the poop deck really what I think it is? I like the cut of your jib. What's a jib? Promote that man.

Mmm! This is delicious. - What's in it? - Chickpeas, lentils and rice. And what's in this? Chickpeas and lentils. Try it with rice.

- Kids can be so cruel. - But it's true.

(BREATHING HEAVILY) Well, what do you think? Hmm.

My first dollar! Thanks to you, Lisa-- and our hemp-smoking friend. Shine on, you crazy diamond. Sounds like somebody's living in the past.

eyugh! Aunt Selma has this crazy obsession... about not dying alone... so in desperation... she joined this prison pen pal program. Her new sweetie is a jailbird. Cool, he can teach us... how to kill a man with a lunch tray. Now, now, he's an ex-convict.

If you don't want lamb chops, there's lots of other things I can make. Chicken breast, rump roast, hot dogs. No, I can't!

Nobody's gonNa tAke my Ned gonna teach him to have fun ooh, he's A FlanderS machine-- That sure was a fun trip to Las Vegas. Eh, too many kids.

Dad, Mom's spending more time at Moe's than you are. And they seem awfully chummy. Just what are you inferring? I'm not inferring anything. You infer. I imply. Woo. That's a relief.

in the treetop when the Wind Blows the cradle Will rock when the bough breaks the cradle Will fall and down Will come baby

Yes! That's what we wanted you to think!

Hot, hot, hot, hot.

D'oh! Mom! I found Sideshow Bob's hideout! And I got a secret message to the police! And I had a blimp fall on me! And I was in an atomic blast! But I'm okay now! Well, I wrecked the gate. But you don't hear me bragging. Now let's roll!

They fought and fit they fought and fought and fit fought-fought-fought, fit-fit-fit the itchy and scratchy show! Uh-oh! Got to get back to karate class. Missed a spot. Dopey kid. Coming through. Step aside, lady.

You see? Jazz is like a jell-O Pudding Pop. No. Actually, it's more like Kodak film. No. Actually, jazz is like the new Coke. It'll be around forever.

Don't you hate that we have to go back to stupid school tomorrow?

Ah-- Anti-polio. Homie, where did you get that ball of money? I've been doing some outside projects for Mr. Burns. Really? Like what? Ah, you know. Business stuff. Uh, downsizing, e-solutions, the glass ceiling.

You die now!

He's got a heart as big as my boobs! I guess we'll have to agree to agree on this one. Boobs!

We're going in. Watch me blend in. Barkeep, some cheap domestic beer for me and my buddy here. I'm not your buddy, you greedy old reptile. Smithers, who is this saucy fellow? Homer Simpson. Sector sieben-gruben-- I mean, sector 7-G.

the Simpsons will keep on gagging for years to come. I can't believe it! We won another contest! The Simpsons are going to Delaware! I want to see Wilmington! I want to visit a screen door factory. This will be the last season.

Sending your chick a valentine, huh? Yep. johnny?

Now let's forget our troubles with a big bowl of strawberry ice cream. Now let's forget our troubles with a big bowl of strawberry ice cream!

There's nothing between me and Princess Kashmir. Princess who ? Hey, my photo. Your photo ? Uh-oh. Why you little-- Why you big-- Bart, go to your room. I'm out of here.

Now who Wiii press my reset button'? Will it be you? Or you? Or.. you? Oh. Dad, look at this one.

Now, where did Bart stick the fireworks?

Are you gonna call the police? Oh, forget it! They couldn't catch a cold with a-- a cold-catching thing. See, when you don't use Milhouse, it's hard.

- Sprinkles and syrups. - Hey, Grampa. Aisle six and step on it. All right, but put out that cigar.

Your mouth is hopin' for a soapin', boy. Now stop asking silly questions and go kill your brother. (WHIMPERS)

Tyler, is there a peaceful solution possible? (TYLER COOING) (BEEPING) (GASPING) All right, that's it. Show's over! Five, six, so long, hicks!

Bart, can we weigh the car at that weigh station? Yeah. Bart, can we pick up that hitchhiker? I don't see why not. - Bart, could we stop for ice cream? - Yes. Well, I didn't think I was rehabilitated, but, uh, I guess they needed the extra bed.

Maybe someone else is here. And maybe he'll step forward and admit to being the real culprit. (WHISTLING) (CAWING) This is a new low for me. (WHISTLING AND CAWING)

- It's a secret. - Shut up.

Hmm? Hmm. Hmm. Mmm. Mmm! Promo. Ew! Fox!

(SIGHS) I really don't care anymore. All useless. The credits really have to go this long?

Oh, my ass! Always on God's floor.

and that guy's eating an apple.

No, we won't. I've got it all figured out. The baby can have Bart's crib, and Bart can sleep with us until he's 21. Won't that warp him? My Cousin Frank did it. You don't have a Cousin Frank. He became Francine back in '76. Then he joined that cult. I think his name is Mother Shabubu now.

Nice glasses, four eyes. Yeah, nice shoes, uh, two feet. Yeah.

Must finish.

Over there

That's assault! That is assault! It was the best Thanksgiving ever.

Dad, it says "Non-Toxic." Well, that's a plus.

She's still your mother. Come inside. Hmm? Can I get you a glass of milk? Cow milk? Uh-huh.

Homer, I think you'd agree that I've put up with a lot in this marriage.

Ow ! Nevermore, nevermore, nevermore, nevermore, nevermore--

but also became a great movie-- called Ghostbusters.

Uh, neat. Anyway, Mom, maybe you should go into therapy. No. I don't need therapy. I'M fine, and it's too expensive. And I don't believe in it. It breaks up families. It turns wives against husbands, children against fathers, neighbors against me.

Why, you little--- Ooh. Homer!

That's not why I'm here.

Um, there's a hair in my soup-- but I'll just eat around it. What kind of hair? Well, it's blue, six feet long-- Eww! It's my hair! Excuse me.

Come on, Homer. Tell him about the store. I'm dying out here. Sorry, Flanders.

Then let us take our case directly to the townspeople. Oh, yeah. That'll be real productive. Who do you want to talk to first? The guy in the bumblebee suit, or the one with the bone through his hair? My opinions are as valid as the next man's!

What the-- Now, here's a piece of bad news. Oh, Abe! You've aged terribly. What do you expect? You left me to raise the boy on my own! I had to leave! But you didn't have to tell Homer I was dead!

It just keeps going! I give up. You beat me, mountain! At least I won't freeze to death.

Hey, Dad. Can we get this, please?

Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Mom, that is really annoying. Bart started it. Uh-uh. Lisa started it. I don't care who started it! I don't ever want to see you two fighting like that ever again. We love you both. You're not in competition with each other. Repeat, you are not in competition with each other.

You want to know what i see, Kent'? isee a siownews day with nothing to flii itl Arnie, you 're supposed to be filming people coping with the ioss of their church. And howam i supposed to do that'? Do i have a magic iens that can see into people 's souls? Well, yours wouid be black, K enti

Out of my way, jerk-ass!

It's so hard to listen. I hate you all so much! I'm sorry. It's my problem. I'll deal with it.

Oh, I'm a living joke.

Then a team of doctors administers eye drops, painkillers...

Gotta go. Aah! I made it the whole day without seeing her again. I mean, hello. I guess we'll be going down together. I mean, getting off together. I mean--

f Man f J Jellyfish J J i held you close J J And told you iiove youJ J But then the ocean took you backJ

Obviously not. I am the god Ganesh! This wedding angers me! All will die unless it is stopped. Oh, God. Please! Listen to me!

That's one fine-looking barbecue pit. Why doesn't mine look like that?

"Who is your favorite Backstreet Boy?" Oh, the little rat-faced one.

Oh, Mrs. Simpson, you must pursue your dreams, like my old dream of coming to America and starting a family. Or my new dream of ditching my family and sneaking back to India in disguise. Apu? Never heard of him. My name is Steve Barnes. (JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING)

Cut! Oh, my God! He's killed the original Alfalfa! Yeah. Luckily, Alfalfa was an orphan, owned by the studio. Oh, I see. Yeah. That makes sense.

(ALL EXCLAIM IN WONDER) You guys are just in time. My dad's about to tell me something important about our robot. Uh... I just installed a chip that makes it 10% more bloodthirsty. All right!

It's money that's made just for the park. It works just like regular money, but it's, uh, fun. Do it, Dad. Well, okay. If it's fun. Let's see, uh, I'll take $1,100 worth.

Run for it !

D'oh! D'oh! Where did that rat come from? He must have brought it in with him. Hmm. Damn it! Man, is he dumb. Where do they get these subjects? He's a little too well fed to be a wino.

And I won't rest until I've gotten a hot dog. Homer, this is a cemetery. Hot dogs! Get your hot dogs here! Whoo-hoo! What do you do, follow my husband around? Lady, he's putting my kids through college.

I've added an extra ingredient just for you. The merciless peppers of Quetzlzacatenango! Grown deep in the jungle primeval... by the inmates of a Guatemalan insane asylum.

I don't hear an alarm. Let's take stuff. Whoa! Isn't that stealing? No, it's just looting. Sweet. Let's go nuts. Hot town Summer in the city Back of my neck gettin' dirty and gritty Mannequins! You can't buy these!

Hey, Dad. You said you were gonna play catch with me tonight.

Why does everybody keep saying that? Would you do me a favor? When you get back to class, just give him this note. Oh! Please? When she sees you'll do anything she says, she's bound to respect you. Sure! What's a big sister for?

Number 8--

Hey, hey, how about that weather out there? Whoa, that was the caller from hell. Well, hot dog, we have a "Wiener." Man, that thing's great. Don't praise the machine. If you don't get that kid an elephant by tomorrow, the Dj-3000 gets your job.

Homer, listen to me. Turn back now! Forget it. I'll be at the top by noon. Over and out. Homer Simpson, defying all medical advice, has switched to Powersauce's archrival, the Vita-Peach Health Log.

He'll blow the whole deal. Get him out of here. Roger. If you wanna learn more about Whacking Day, there are many fine books in our gift shop.

Oh, I'll help you. Help you die! Waaah!

Whoo! That was the latest ad for Stridex Pads, medicated. Okay, coming at ya, a world premiere video from "P" Squared. That's the Party Posse! Whoo! Yeah! All right!

I'm checkin' in He's checkin' in I'm checkin' in checkin', checkin' in no more pills or alcohol no more pot or demerol no more stinking fun at all

Man, I don't know why I bought this stupid tape.

Hey, look, everybody! Free beer! Open your yaps, boyos! Hey, what the-- Oh!

Yeah. I'd like three Ribwiches, a Diet Coke- Will you get out of my- Look, uh, about the Ribwich. There arent gonna be any more. The animal we made 'em from is now extinct. The pig? The cow? You’re way off. Think smaller. Think more legs. Ugh.

Woozle wozzle? What the-- That's what passes for entertainment these days? Woozle wozzle? Ladies and gentlemen, the Clown Show...

Yeah! You need the winners, and I know them. So call me now. $5 for the first minute, $2 for additional minutes. You... have reached... the Coach's... Hot... Line. line. Lay it on me, Coach. In the game of...

Uh, Brooks, Groening, Simon, you're all cut. Castellaneta, gone. Kavner, cut. Cartwright, cut. Smith, sorry. Cut. Azaria and Shearer, you're cut. Firestone, you're cut. So is judge. Namath, you stay. All of those people are cut.

This court rules in favor of Montgomery Burns. I find that he is clearly the boy's biological father. Uh, judge, these won't be ready until Thursday. You know, we should really stop hiring him.

(PSYCHEDELIC MUSIC PLAYING) (SNARLING)

Oh, man, that's good. Oh, pass the butter. Are you gonna eat that all by yourself? Uh-huh. Pinchy would've wanted it this way. My dear, sweet Pinchy.

Personally I think I'm overdone.

Harper's Magazine! I have a picture of Lewis Lapham on my binder. (GROWLS) Oh, but I've been yapping about myself all night. Marge, what's exciting in your life lately? Well...

Homer? I got a really wicked idea that could get us into a lot of trouble. Ohh. Mindy, we have to fight our temptation. No, Homer. Let's do it. Let's call room service! Oh. Someone is charging room service to the company, sir.

Hello. Sir? Sir? Huh? I've returned from the Koolamuggerys' place. - They're draining clockwise too. - Draining? I don't care about that anymore. Are we in any dan--

Custard! Custard! Custard! They make The Blue Man Group look like Mummenschanz, which is still pretty good. Oh, the second one wants custard, too? That's a little repetitive.

Good afternoon and welcome to the Do What You Feel Festival.

That was such an exciting night. Morley Safer has the biggest head I've ever seen. I really had fun. (SIGHS) It's gonna be a letdown going to school tomorrow. We have to make a pilgrim out of felt. Hey, I'm covering the UN Women's Conference in Capital City tomorrow.

Homer, stop that. It's just a weather station. Come on, Marge. It's fun to smash things. I smashed it good. You got real "Purdy" hair. You know, Marge, of all the places we've been tonight,

They're not sad at all. They're actually singing! They sing without juicers. They sing without blenders. They sing without flunjers, capdabblers and smendlers!

I'm on my way.

Remember: Lie, cheat, steal and listen to heavy metal music ! Yes, sir !

Back in 'Nam, I could command respect.

Hello. Hello, Homey. How's my big, important executive ? Marge, every woman I interview for the secretary job makes kissy faces at me. Mmm. Hello, Mr. Simpson. I'm Carl. He sounds good. Hire him. I'll call you back, Marge. Simpson. Meeting in the board room tomorrow at 2:00.

I'd like to read the following statement, but I do so under-- my own free will. "It has come to my attention that NBC sucks. "I apologize for misleading you and urge you to watch as many Fox shows as possible. So, in summary, NBC bad, Fox good." CBS great.

Noooooo!

Shall I show you to your room, or would you prefer... to be dragged off kicking and screaming? Ooh, kicking and screaming, please. As you wish. Noooooo!

My name is Helen Lovejoy, and I'll be playing Stella.

If I hadn't already packed my letter opener, I'd give you such a stabbing. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Whoa, Ray. Are we gonna let politics get in the way of our friendship? Friendship? You told people I lured children into my gingerbread house. Yeah. That was just a lie.

We've got no car. We've got no money. And no one knows we're here! We're stranded! But on the plus side, I knocked over the sun sphere. Ha-ha!

Well, you know what they say, sir. "Where there's no smoke, there's no fire." What an odd remark. Why, that looks like a 50-cent piece. I'll just bend over and get it. Seems to be caught... between these two flowers.

But I think you can be a good teacher and still respect our privacy. Look, Marge. You don't know what it's like. I'm the one out there putting his ass on the line. And I'm not out of order. You're out of order! The whole freakin' system is out of order. You want the truth? You want the truth? You can't handle the truth!

Okay, i hear that. i hear that, dudes! You too, Gracie music dude! Guh!

Skinner with his crazy explanations The superintendent's gonna need his medication When he hears Skinner's lame exaggerations There'll be trouble in town tonight Seymour!

It was a tumultuous time for our nation. The clear-beverage craze gave us all a reason to live. The information superhighway showed the average person... what some nerd thinks about Star Trek. And the domestication of the dog continued unabated.

We now return to Knightboat: The Crime-solving Boat.

Watching TV alone. All right! I'm gonna sit at home and ogle the ladies... in the Victoria Secret Catalog. Sears Catalog.

Gee, thanks, guys. This is just like The Deer Hunter. The Deer Hunter? Uh, huh-- That reminds me. Didi mah! Didi mah! I'm sorry, guys. We're shuttin' down for a while. Sorry.

Now here's a trick about the hair. It's one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine points. And there you go. Perfect Barts every time. Now once you've mastered how to draw Bart, you can put him in all sorts of costumes. Some that he likes, some that he hates.

Soup! Soup! Ruh-oh! That's why you young athletes are so promising. Now, who'd like to buy a trophy?

Of course! Bowling! Bowling here! Come bowl now! Get your bowling! Who's ready? Bowling!

All right! Special holiday meal. Where do you want these beef hearts? On the floor. It doesn't look very clean. just do your job, heart boy.

No jail can hold me.

Instead of chewing gum, chew bacon.

No dice.

All right, all right. Here you go, boy. Get the scent. That's a shame. He had one day left till retirement.

Oh, don't worry, honey. I guarantee your father will behave. Mom, it's a picture phone. This? This? Oh, no. - I've just got a touch of the rheumatiz. - Oh. - Whew. - Mom, picture phone.

I'm so embarrassed, I wish there was a hole I could just crawl into and die. Okay, throw her in the hole. Oh, please. It was just a figure of speech.

Yay! Yay.

I'm putting you in an all-girl school. You're never going to see that boy again. Milhouse! Samantha! Well, 'tis better to have loved and lost... yatta, yatta, yatta. Let's go to the arcade. How could this happen?

It's a load-bearing poster. Now, this is a room with electricity, but it has too much electricity. So I don't know. You might want to wear a hat. Uh-huh. Floor feels a little gritty here.

Yeah! Lawsuit? Oh, come on! My "seven words you can't say on TV" bit was entirely different... from your "seven words you can't say on TV" bit! So I'm a thief, am I? Well, excu-u-uSe me! Give him 10 grand. Steve Martin on four. Ten grand.

Who is it? Witches! Um, what do ya want? We're here to eat your kids. Okay, come on in... and look at this! Oh, please.

You're nothing but a hoochie! Hoochie! Hoochie! Hoochie! Hoochie! Hoochie! Hoochie! Hoochie! Hoochie! Hoochie! Oh, oh, oh! Now I'd like my son to come up here.

- Anyway, can I have $40,000? - Hmm? Now, I know I haven't been the best-- Oh, forget it. Honey, did you have any luck? No, but the rabbi gave me this. What is it, Dad? Son, they call it a "droodle." Whoo-hoo! Look at it go!

Burt Reynolds apologized to the pope and promised to replace the windshield. Burt Reynolds-- class act. Well, now for our weekly segment, "Yesterday's News," featuring Homer Simpson. Are you as bored as I am with the antics of this warmed-over Fred Flintstone? I say it's time to put this one-trick pony out to stud. Whoo-hoo! First up, Maude Flanders.

How are the southwestern pizza fingers? Uh, they're, um, "awesomely outrageous."

Keep 'em coming.

The sad truth is, all families are like us.

And when you couldn't find one? We went fishing. Do these sound like the actions of a man... who had "all he could eat"?

Television! Teacher! Mother! Secret lover. Urge to kill fading. Fading. Fading. Rising! Fading. Fading. Gone.

Agh, you know, we don't usually take rusty money. You're dyin', and you weren't even gonna stop at Moe's... for a last beer with your buddies ? Hey, Barney, look. It was on my list, along with a lot of other things I didn't get to do today. Hey, my boss !

Oh, my God! Mr. Burns is dead! Why do the good always die so young? You almost killed me! Please, sir. You'll catch-- cold.

Oh! So he's the strudel-sucking globbenheimer who has bankrupted them with his expensive treatments.

Who the devil are you? Don't panic. just come up with a good story. My name is Mr. Burns. D'oh!

Dad! Your hand is jammed in the toaster! What? Get it off! Get it off! Get it off of me! Dad, it's in there again!

Well, time to go to work. Little do they know, I'm ducking out early... to take the Duff Brewery tour. Roll in at 9:00, punch out at 5:00. That's the plan. Heh, heh, heh! They don't suspect a thing. Well, off to the plant,

They will if you set up that the dog is evil.

Sir, your beloved Isotopes are about to make history. Any thoughts? Oh, it's a great team, Kent. We never gave up hope. I want to thank jesus and say hi to my special lady, Marge. We did it, baby! Whoo! Whoo! The inspiring words of a fan who'll always root, root, root for the home team.

if you listen to my poem. D-ohh! Okay.

Warning! Warning! Prepare to be abducted.

Hey, Flanders, who put that bug up your butt ?

the pile of money will be gone.

All right, but I'm doing this because he was Remington Steele. He was Remington Steele, wasn't he? Yes, I was, Marge. And thank you for selecting me. Well, hello, Pierce. Say, it's a bit stuffy in here. And I know a certain someone who really fancies lilac.

("THREE STOOGES" NOSE TWISTING NOISE)

HAWKING: Badda-bing, badda-boom. And we're done.

Boy, you don't have to follow in my footsteps. Don't worry. I don't even like using the bathroom after you. Why, you little..! Krusty, please continue.

Ho, ho, ho! Merry everyone!

"Truth is beauty, beauty, truth," sir. They're discussing poetry. Oh, we never do that at my school. But the truth can be harsh and disturbing. How can that be considered beautiful? Oh, he sure sucked the fun out of that poem.

The zombies have the Earthlings on the run. Soon, the human race will wither and fall, like the earth plums we have seen on the observe-a-scope.

One hundred thousand tons of reinforced concrete. Oh, my God! It's completely hollow! What happened to all the concrete? You cut back on building materials and kept all the money for yourself. - That's what happened. - Get him, Lise!

Could someone please whack my hernia back in? Sure, thing, Dad. Mr. Simpson, we'll cut you down... as soon as you answer one question about japan. Is the answer "japan"? Actually, it is.

Eat around the banana, Dad. It's just empty vitamins.

You did this, Bart Simpson! The man knows quality work. This time you're in for it, Bart.

Oh, wait. No, I didn't. I meant to tell 'em.

Ling? Ling?

These things happen. Eight dollars.

Shoo, nerds! Shoo! Well, this muscle shirt's a pretty good find. Dad, that's a sports bra. All I know is I'm finally getting the support I need. Look, Dad! Barber hair!

The king of splatter, Tom Savini! Good evening. Sorry, I had a really big dinner. Whoo! Dinner! But I'm sure one more french fry wouldn't hurt.

Well, Marge, should I whack slow or fast? Slow, then fast. - Uh-oh. - Dad, please.

I believe people would be a lot happier without presents. Hmm. You've given me a lot to think about. LISA: People would be a lot happier without presents. Presents are material goods, and attachment to material goods kills the soul.

Oh, his waggle is no match for yours, sir. I've never seen you lose a game. Except for that one in '74 when you let Richard Nixon win. That was very kind of you, sir. Oh, he just looked so forlorn, Smithers, with his... "I can't go to prison, Monty. They'll eat me alive!" Say, I wonder if this Homer Nixon is any relation?

Oh, geez. This looks bad. Better turn on the old Wiggum charm. Pervert! Oh, boy. That sounded bad.

It's so quiet here without the kids. What I wouldn't give to hear Lisa play another one of her jazzy tunes. Saxo-mo-phone Saxo-mo-phone Ohh.

I always wondered if there was a God, and now I know. There is, and it's me. You're not a god, Homer.

Homer, what is it? Slow down. Yer getta ferda redda oura.

Ooh! One of the turkeys fell behind the bed. Mmm. Foot-long chili dog.

Okay, Homer, stay calm. just quietly get this stuff inside your house. Homer, you're not listening! That medicine's not for you. Come on, Marge. Maybe I'm not getting enough... estrogen.

You know, somebody needs to learn your green ass some responsibility. Yeah! Now hold on, Kang. You can't bully my audience with your fancy ray gun.

he got all our stuff. Including the tree. We were robbed? Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh. How could somebody-- I know!

Oh! A car impound lot! The impenetrable fortress of suburbia!

And I further decree... that everything will be just like it was... before all this happened. And no one will ever mention it again...

Oh-- They're not very-- Yes? Yes? Yes? They're terrible. What? I'm not saying you're a bad inventor. I'm just saying these particular... inventions are awful, and no one in their right mind would buy them or accept them as gifts.

I won't make a spectacle out of myself any further. Oh! How'd they get there? Now, this is going to take all my skill. Halt! Halt!

Canada? Why should we leave America to visit America Junior?

Hey, fellas! Hey, you wanna stop with the kicking? My pills are in that can! Good gravy! I don't kick your things. When you're trying to breathe on the machine, do I go up and kick it? Oh, now look at that. It went down the sewer! You happy?

Oooh, I've wasted my life.

Lisa, never, ever stop in the middle of a hoedown. Oh, honey, I didn't realize how much that horn meant to you. Don't worry. Daddy's gonna get it back. I don't know how, but I'll figure out something.

All right! The mummy's ready for his mystical journey!

In exchange for your silence, I'm prepared to offer your family free tickets to anywhere in the United States, excluding Alaska and Hawaii-- the freak states.

If my dad could see this, he'd be so mad. He can. There's a Web cam right there. Of all the sites on all the Web... I had to click onto his. w'w' w'w'

Okay, nobody move and nobody panic. When I give the word, everyone, ever so slowly, open your door and slide out. On the count of three. One--

And these planks below us were often used as a sidewalk...

and the stock market is much lower.

Shouldn't you people be groveling?

We've been very patient with you, Mr. Flanders. I know, but-- Wait a minute. I'm Homer Simpson. Ned Flanders lives over there. Oh. Flanders is in debt? Are you sure?

Last week some jehovah's Witnesses came to the door, and I wouldn't let them leave. They snuck away when I went in the kitchen to get more lemonade.

You're still not in your own world, Homer. I can get you home, but you have to do exactly as I-- This is indeed a disturbing universe.

Hang on, everyone. We're taking the old Simpson shortcut. So long, suckers. Whoa! Eat my dust, suckers. Stop calling everyone suckers.

Practice ball. Practice ball. Real, real, real, real, real! Whoo-hoo!

Phew. "The only exception was the embarrassingly dated humor... of Springfield's green-haired, red-nosed hack--" Yeah, yeah, yeah. "Krusty the Clown." No! They say any publicity is good publicity. You, sir, are an idiot.

We've got a stowaway, sir. I'll pay. How much ? Twice the fare from Tucson to Flagstaff... minus two-thirds of the fare from Albuquerque to El Paso. Whoa !

Dad, aren't you coming? No. Now, don't pout. I'm not pouting. You are. You gotta come. I just got your hat out of the fridge.

I wrote it down. "Number... Number 4½..." Stupid gum! "Number 4½ reed." Whoo-hoo! Mm-hmm. What instrument does she play? I don't know. Mom, where is he?

These plants are all lifeless and limp. Maybe they'd feel more at home in the bedroom, Al. Uh-oh. Oh, the network slogan is true. Watch Fox and be damned for all eternity.

Where's Lisa? Shh! This plot is hard enough to follow as it is. On the spaceship Lollipop Gingerbread men like to do hip-hop And chocolate chips Huh?

Spin the middle side topwise. Topwise! Now I remember why I put this down here in the first place!

He must have a new job. He took his Copernicus costume. Do you know where I can find him ? I think he's taking the next train to Capital City. The train. How like him-- - traditional, yet environmentally sound. - Yes. And it's been the backbone of our country... since Leland Stanford drove that golden spike at Promontory Point. I see he touched you too.

Ready? Ready! First, patch the cracks in the slab using a latex patching compound and a patching trowel. Hand me my patching trowel, boy. Hmm. Now, do you have extruded polyvinyl foam insulation? No. Good.

Now we just add color. In five minutes, it'll be on the World Wide Web. I can't wait that long. To pass the time, help yourself to some more stock.

Hey, look, Sean. It's that family everybody hates. Whatever. Uh, Miss Hoover. Miss Hoover. Forget it, Lisa. I'm not teaching you anything until I get my money back. Now turn your desk around and stop learning.

There's a can. You have to cut these six-pack holders up, otherwise fish get trapped in them. I see. Ha-ha!

It's this weekend. Uh-huh. And how much does it cost? - Um, it's free. - I see. And when is it? It's this weekend. And what are you charging for this free weekend? Come on, Dad. The team's arriving. It's free, right?

You're all sick! Oh, be nice! Oh! My son doesn't stand a chance! The whole world's gone gay! Oh, my God! What's happening now? We work hard. We play hard.

Dr. Zaius, Dr. Zaius Dr. Zaius, Dr. Zaius Dr. Zaius, Dr. Zaius Oh, Dr. Zaius Dr. Zaius, Dr. Zaius What's wrong with me I think you're crazy Want a second opinion You're also lazy Dr. Zaius, Dr. Zaius

Question.

What's that stench? Once you get used to the smell of melted hog fat, you'll wonder how you ever did without it. Mmm. Hog fat.

Milhouse, do you ever worry that your mom might stop loving you? What? I'm more worried about piranhas. Did you see that movie where they sent a nuclear submarine to fight the piranhas, and one of them swims right down the periscope and bites the guy in the eye, and he goes, "Aah! Aah! Aah!" and that old lady told him it would happen?

What's for dinner?

Why all the black? Why all the pearls? Why all the hair? Why anything? You look a little nervous, Dad. No, you look a little nervous, Lisa. You're up to something aren't you? No! I'm just going out to commit certain deeds. Suckers.

Yes. Dr. Foster here. Ned Flanders? You're sure? No, no, no. I'll come right over. And may God have mercy on us all. Darling, there's an emergency at the hospital. Where are my shoes? Oh, I think they're in the den.

Who are you? The sailing instructor. And on movie night, I run the projector. Only PG. Nothing R. Yarrr.

than as a homicidal maniac or a clown's sidekick. Aha! I knew it! You're still angry that Krusty picked me instead of you. - I can't imagine what you mean. - Oh, come now! You wanted to be Krusty's sidekick since you were five! What about the buffoon lessons? The four years at clown college?

Our children aren't safe with that monster! Yeah, keep away from him, Milhouse! You too, Ralphie. You're out of that day care center. Oh! My polite indignation knows no bounds!

Do they have Krusty partially gelatinated nondairy gum-based beverages? Mm-hmm. They call 'em shakes. "Shakes." You don't know what you're gettin'. Well, I know what I'm gettin'-- some doughnuts. Uh, help me out of the booth, boys.

Trust in yourself and you can achieve anything. All right! Now all we need is a name.

Never! That boy is magnificent.

Wait a minute, Skinner. How do we know some principal in France... isn't pulling the same scam you are ? For one thing, you wouldn't be getting a French boy. You'd be getting an Albanian. You mean all white with pink eyes ? No. No, no, no. A student from Albania. It's a country on the Adriatic Sea.

Now, a brilliant jazz musician who's inspired me to do some improv poetry. Twinkle, twinkle, groovy cat. How I wonder where you at. I really love the way you cook. just like me when I wrote this book. How to Make Love to Steve Allen, from the author of Happiness is a Naked Steve Allen, journey to the Center of Steve Allen,

Yes, I'll hold. Everybody loves A clown so why don't you Yep, here's your problem.

It's about a Harvard chick that puts out for a guy and then croaks. And it saved Paramount Studios for Charlie Bluhdorn. Ooh! A chick flick? Say it ain't so, Ho! Son, seeing sappy movies with a lady has certain payoffs. Like what? They'll do something with you that they hate?

Hang on. The manual says I need to log on to the onboard computer. M-A-R-G-E. Hello, Marge. Where would you like to go today? No one has ever asked me that before in my life.

Homer, how did you think I'd feel when I saw that? Something like that.

You call that a flirt? I'm not melting! Okay. 'Tudes are fly and your threads are dope. All that's left is the singing.

Hey ! Wha-- Come on, you stupid tube ! Hmm. Looks like there's a jam in Delta sector. It's too big to be human. Send down a few kids. That should dislodge it. Roger.

and take his tickets? Ye-- No. - Oh. - Hmm? Flanders, I decided I'd like to go to the game with you. Well, get out the Crayolas and color me tickled pink. Ooh, what's with the lead pipe? Were you gonna give my noggin a floggin'? Well, yeah.

Is your husband or lover here, ma'am? No, my husband is... at church. Aw, that's my girl. I love you, Marjorie. - Yeah, she's quite a gal. - You shut up. So when you realized Christmas was ruined, how did you feel?

Sir, that's a check for your boweling. Oh, yes. That's very important. Yes, sir. Remember that month you didn't do it? Yes, that was unpleasant for all concerned. Anyway, back to the checks. Stop everything! I don't remember writing a check for bowling.

Mrs. Simpson, you're under oath. We drove around until 3:00 a.m., looking for another all-you-can-eat fish restaurant. And when you couldn't find one? We went fishing. Do these sound like the actions of a man...

Hi-yo! Hi-yo! Got your nose. Got your wallet. No! Bart, don't you ever do that again. Understand? Beep.

Want a chocolate? Hold it right there, Forrest Plump! This town has laws against impersonating movie characters. Oh, behave! Uh-- Oh.

You know, Simpson, from the moment you walked into my office... I had a feeling I'd kill you in a hall of mirrors.

Shh!

Hello. My name is Mr. Snrub, and I come from, uh, someplace far away. Yes, that will do. Anyway, i-i say we invest that money back in the nuclear plant. I like the way Snrub thinks.

This is what a cornfield looks like, honey. You think those things could also have contributed to my fear of flying?

It is?

Meet me in the alley in 15 minutes. Come alone.

Whoa! Time has ravaged your once-youthful looks.

Yeah. I think I just logged onto my Internet. Only a moron would jump into that-- Geronimo! Oh, my God! D'oh! And there's your whatchamacall repressed trauma.

Yeah. Yeah. Ha, ha! April Fools'. I've been keeping that carton of milk next to the furnace for six weeks. Sucker! You're goin' down, Homer. I'm gonna fool you. You talk better than you fool. I'll fool you up real nice.

"Decalcify calcium ducts?" Well, give me a "Y." Give me a-- Hey. All I have to type is "Y." Hey, Miss Doesn't Find Me Attractive Sexually Anymore. I just tripled my productivity. Good. Good for you. "Y." "Y."

Don't push your luck! Don't push your luck!

Uh-oh. Whoops.

Bart Simpson!

Hey, baby, get comfortable. Relax. It's a little hot for that cheerleader outfit, don't you think? You think your dirty socks can stop me?

In the meantime, I gotta tell those Internet guys to hold tight. - Can I come too? - Good idea. You can speak nerd to them. I'm not a nerd, Bart. Nerds are smart. Oh, my God! What happened?

I was just thinking... what a good parking job I did with it. Yeah, hey, that is nice. Hey, Lou! Lou, check out that park job in 7A. Whoo-hoo-hoo. That's sweet.

Hello, I'm Marco, I'll be your waiter. I'm Homer, I'll be your customer. Never heard that one before.

(SOFTLY) Marge, are you awake? Marge? (CHUCKLING) (THUDDING)

Now, here's a piece of bad news. Oh, Abe! You've aged terribly. What do you expect? You left me to raise the boy on my own! I had to leave! But you didn't have to tell Homer I was dead! It was either that or tell him his mother was a wanted criminal!

Hey! Your early porno movies. Oh, wait. Are any ofthese hetero? What’s there is there.

It seems she goes wild with desire if her husband nibbles on her elbow. We need names!

A paddy wagon is now speeding to your home. Hey! While you wait, why not buy a police cap or t-shirt? You have the right to remain fabulous. Here it is, everybody-- The world's greatest Web site.

for a life-long Republican? In our overcrowded cell we became little more than beasts. Who used my chap stick? Oh, i did. Here you go. I don't want it.

I thought you said Aunt Patty was just waiting for the right man. As opposed to you, who grabbed the first blimp that floated by. Correction. The first blimp who got her pregnant. Seriously, Dad, I'm worried. You should go on a diet. Why, you little... (CHOKING) (DOORBELL RINGING) Save my place.

¡Ay! ¡QuÉ agonÍA! Oh, he wants that corn so much. ¡Ay! ¡Dios no me ama!

Ooh, here's something I'm good at. (HUMMING) (ALARM RINGING) HOMER: Knee... Left... Ding... (BELL DINGING) Hmm! Hmm.

We just want to live peacefully with your wife. No! My wife is not a doobie to be passed around! I took a sacred vow on my wedding day... to bogart her forever! Oh, Homie. There's only one reasonable way to settle this.

Go away. No children. Enough talk.

Mmm, McNuggets. f Sia vering f i ii get those no-good indians. .. - fast as sure as my favorite book is- - f Homer's Voice] Magazines. f Homer Snoring f - f Bats Voice] Wake up, Dad. - [Homer's Voice f Huh? What?

No, no. I'm pretty sure he's with Milhouse. Milhouse! What? Tell Bart to come home! I think he's at Nelson's! Who's Nelson?

Tell me where you're from. Georgia. Texas. Uh... Brooklyn. Russia. New Hampshire. Homer!

(LOUD MUSIC PLAYING) Turn that down. Screw you. (GRUNTS)

Welcome to Japan, folks. The local time is... tomorrow.

we can't even get any local laws passed without everyone singing like A big Broadway cast

Face it, Homer, the car is gone. Oh! Barney ain't never comin' back. Here we are, Mr. Gumble.

Wouldn't it, Flanders?

Oh. Aah! Death! - That's Maggie again, Grampa. - Oh. Where were we? Death!

That's Homer Simpson's computer. Oh, God! It's spreading! Happy New-- Wha-- Oh, no. It's happening.

Uh, actually, I was wondering if you were free... for a little get-together tonight. Dinner, dancing, and... Mr. Tom jones. Hello, Marge. That's it. Big smile. Everybody's happy. Oh, my goodness!

Far too much dancing, not nearly enough prancing. A little mincing would be nice.

You know, you can influence people without badgering them always. It's like Paul's song, "Live and Let Live." It was "Live and Let Die." Whatever, whatever. It had a good rhythm. I guess I have been pretty hard on a lot of people, especially my dad. Thanks, you guys.

I think you're making him angry. Come on. What's he gonna do? Run amok in downtown Springfield?

Never trust a weirdo! Azoot! I'm stuck on a nail! (CHUCKLING) Oh, God, that's painful. (GROANS) I can't feel my... (WHISTLE)

My name is Hans. Drinking has ruined my life. I'm 31 years old.

- Homer Simpson. - Stop telling them it was me! I'll kill you for saying it was me! Homer Simpson.

What's the matter? Can't you find a hairstyle you like? Hold the phone. That's the one for me. - Ed Asner? - No, next to him. Mary Tyler Moore. - Mmm. - Mmm. - Mmm. Expiration date, june 1989, uh, 2012, yeah.

You want to be my slave? Outstanding! Mmm. Speed it up, ugly. Eh. He had a good run.

The way I see it, instead of shampoo, Itchy Covers Scratchy's hair with barbecue sauce, opens a box of flesh-eating ants, and the rest writes itself. Ah, this show ain't no good.

Oh, sweetie! Hmm. Oh. Dont worry, Maggie. I'll have these silly things out in just two days. Till then I'll just try to hide them from the family.

Mm-hmm.

Come on, come on. Let's go! No! My Spine-O-Cylinder! They'll pay for what they did to my can! Forget it, Homer. It's Chiro-town.

Uh, Tony, please! No. I just ate a whole plate of "dingamagoo."

Marge ? Oh, Marge ? I'm in the kitchen, Homer.

Beaten by an infant. What could be more humiliating? What a scoop! Okay, Maggie. You win. But I want you to do something for me. Hang on to that bear.

Hey, Alison, what's the answer to number nine? I can't tell you, Ralph. I can't tell you either, Ralph. Leave me alone.

Wow, that was close. Well, thanks a lot, Homer. Well, it's all-- Hey! I thought you twisted your ankle. Oh, yeah. Well, see the thing about that is--

You're not going and that's final.

I'm dizzy! I'm nauseous! Oh, but I'm popular! Huh?

There's the coffee mug from Heartbeeps! And there's the cane from Citizen Kane! Wait a minute. There was no cane in Citizen Kane. And there's that awful script from The Cable Guy. Lemme see. Stupid script! Nearly wrecked jim Carrey's career!

So long, you stupid British twits! Oh! You'll never catch me! I'm traveling at the speed of wind! (CHUCKLES) Remember me for my police work and not the murders...

I foresee a life of bitterness and failure for you, Bart Simpson. How'd you know my name? Your father just took out a second mortgage downstairs. You're listed as collateral. Oh. I thought maybe you were some kind of Indian mystic who could tell the future. Who says I'm not? Whoa!

Yes. "B."

Oh, man. You want a bad night? Try sleeping on one of these.

Whenever you are ready.

Oh, I hope no one's drawing this! Ow!

There is no way I'm going to be dating a man with pie on his face. (SOBBING) (ALL LAUGHING) There's a note! (READING) Finally, a superhero that kids can love. What about Fist Face?

Yay!

Right now I'm thinking about holding another meeting... in bed.

The point is I want you to stop making these calls. All right, Mom. I promise you will never be billed for another call. Bobby Sherman.

Far too much dancing, not nearly enough prancing. A little mincing would be nice.

Well done. Their fleet is destroyed. (SINISTER LAUGHTER) Daddy, I had the craziest dream. Ralphie, you're still in it. Whee!

Yes. Yes. And you call them steamed hams despite the fact that they are obviously grilled. Ye-- You know, the-- One thing I should-- - Excuse me for one second. - Of course.

(MIMICKING ELVIS PRESLEY) Hey, baby, come here. I want to kiss you. (KISSING) Squeak, squeak! No, don't kiss me.

It's time for itchy & Scratchy ! Hey, hey, hey ! Settle down, boys and girls, or Krusty will have to bring out his old friend Corporal Punishment again.

In culture-- dead last. Eleanor, we've got to do something about this depression. So I propo-- Oh, that's right. I'm crippled.

Yep, this place is great. Someday, when Lisa and Bart get married, it'll all be theirs. Yuck! You mean when they marry other people. Okay, but I ain't payin' for two weddin's.

Why, you little-- Stop it, Homer. That's inhumane. Use the choke chain. Fine!

Y-E-S.

Mmm, recirculated air.

Yep. That's the rule. He who tops it off drops it off. Nuh-uh. It isn't filled until it's spilled. I wuv you. I wUV-- Love you--

Isn't there something you'd like to say? There sure is. Kids, you tried your best, and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

No, Bart. This note isn't about you. It isn't ? There must be some mistake. Hey, you're right. This note's about Lisa. Lisa ?

intended to help the unfortunate.

Mmm, pancakes.

I have a husband.

I'm dizzy! I'm nauseous! Oh, but I'm popular!

Nice grizzlies. Nice grizzlies. That's a good grizzly. Oh. Oh. Huh ? Maggie ! Oh, my little girl. Nice grizzlies. Nice grizzlies.

What country is this car from? It no longer exists, but take her for a test-drive and you'll agree-- Put it in "H."

They fight and bite They bite and fight and bite Bite, bite, bite Fight, fight, fight The Itchy and Scratchy Show As we join tonight's adventure, we find Itchy at the counter of his butcher shop. Hiya, Scratchy.

Uh, sure. Great. We eat at 7:00. There's only one thing to do at a moment like this: strut!

What the hell was that? Calling home planet. This is Ensign Kang reporting a cigar-shaped object moving at tremendous speed. Sure, Kang, I'm writing it all down.

Oh!

Sure. I can loan you all the money you need. However, since you have no collateral, I'm gonna have to break your legs in advance.

Stop it! Stop it! Don't you realize you've just been brainwashed by corporate propaganda? Apparently, my crazy friend here hasn't heard of the food chain. Yeah. Lisa's a Grade A moron. When I grow up, I'm going to Bovine University.

Oh, no! I don't know how to feel. You should be very upset. Got it. How was that? A little much.

Ah, Homer, we're gonna visit the boys' grandmother. Family only, you know? Right. No reporters. No. I-- I-- I mean just the Flanders family. Oh, okay.

We've had lots and lots

My son went down to Earth once. I don't know what you people did to him, but he hasn't been the same since. (SWING SQUEAKING) Oh, he'll be fine. And you could still spare my family by... Pass. Buddy, you just made yourself a powerful enemy.

Gym? That's the stupidest thing I ever heard!

North Haverbrook. Where have I heard that name before? Oh, no. Oh, no! There he is-- seat 3-F!

Mom! Lise! Check it out. Dad's on TV. Oh, yeah!

A chance to bring down Bart Simpson, our school's second most wanted criminal after the mysterious El Barto. Hmm.

The only reason we don't move out of this dunghill is because of my court-ordered ankle bracelet. (BEEPING) I'm here. I'm here. Quit bugging me. Why do you always have to show that to company? It's a conversation starter. (GROANS)

What's the matter, buddy? The moron next door closed early. I happen to be that moron. Oh, me and my trenchant mouth!

What? Already? Yes.

Yeah? See, I got this friend named Joey jo-jo junior Shabadoo. That's the worst name I ever heard. Bye, joey jo-jo! Oh, what the hell? It's me. I'm attracted to another woman. What am I going to do?

not gonna teach forever Gonna give showbiz A try Try I didn't think it was physically possible, but this both sucks and blows. That'S famE

Hello? Good morning. This is your wake-up call. Wake-up call? It's 2:00 a.m. Sorry, fatso. Free food? Lisa, I'm Faith Crowley-- patriotism editor of Reading Digest.

Sorry, Rosarita. I got to get to my birthday party. Farewell, SeÑor Bart.

Hmm. The child seems rattled. Can you blame him ? No. No, I can't. There, there, Mr. Burns. Blow, sir.

Don't you see ? The tartar sauce. The bathroom key. Drying your boss's hands. You did it all. It was never the hair. You did it because you believed you could, and you still can.

Below! Thanks, little girl! The knee bone's connected to the... Something the something's connected to the Red thing the Red thing's connected to my wristwatch Uh-oh.

You've got leprosy. Leprosy! Unclean! Unclean! Help us, Virtual Doc. Look at me. I'm on my knees. Good-bye. Excellent.

Girl, you really got me going you got me so I don't know what I'm doing now You a winner! Ha-ha-ha! You a winner! Ha-ha-ha! You a winner! Ha-ha-ha!

Oh, for the love of-- Uh, a seagull took my sailor hat. All right, Simpson. I don't like you, and you don't like me. - I like you. - Um, all right. You like me, but I don't like you. Maybe you would like me if you got to know me. What are you, a comedian?

I guess it's up to me. Ron! - You killed Ron Howard. - Okay, I'll stop.

went to the park the ice cream social the boat show and other wholesome activities and they never ruined their fun by giving in to their throbbing biological urges. Then came the big day. Fluffy and Fuzzy got married.

Yes! Take that, Bitterman!

But I'm out of the woods now, right? I mean, whatever doesn't kill me can only make me stronger. Oh, no. Quite the opposite. It's made you weak as a kitten.

Doh ! Whoo ! Doh ! Whoo ! Doh ! Whoo ! Doh ! Whoo ! Doh ! Whoo-hoo ! Doh ! Whoo-hoo ! Doh ! Whoo-hoo ! Whoo-hoo ! 249 ! Yeah ! Wah-wah-wah ! Marge ! Marge ! Look at me ! My clothes are just hangin' off me. That's wonderful ! Isn't it, kids ?

Mmmwha ! Gotta go. Ba, ba Ba, ba, ba-ba, ba-ba ba-ba, ba, ba Come, children. Let's go watch the Happy Little Elves. We've seen the Crappy Little Elves about 14 billion times. Maybe we can watch some real TV. We're gonna watch the tape. Aw ! That's merely suggested viewing matter, lady.

Come on, Mom. Yeah, Mom. Hurry up.

Well, actually you did. Yarr, yarr.

I'm here today to give you the skinny on shoplifting, thereby completing my plea bargain... with the good people at Foot Locker of Beverly Hills. Shoplifting began here in ancient Phoenicia. Thieves would literally lift the corner of a shop... in order to snatch the sweet, sweet olives within. Oh, Sheheqazaramesh, will you ever learn?

The time will just fly by. w'w'f TV Theme: King ofthe Hilly

D'oh!

I don't care if it takes me all night. I'm gonna get me that lobster harmonica. Come on, lobstie. Whoo.

And the Oscar goes to... I've got to win this one. I bribed everyone in Hollywood! George C. Scott in Man Getting Hit by Football.

but trendy Hollywood celebrities.

A storm is coming! I feel it in my bone! Mesdames et messieurs, it appears the Cloud Goddess is ripe with rain babies. We must run for our trucks!

Ah, no, that's Mayor Quimby. Ah, here we go. Precious Venus. Thank you.

Ow! ow! Aah! This club better be worth it. All right, all right. It's Lisa's turn.

"At the same time, a local train traveling 30 miles an hour... "and carrying 40 passengers leaves Phoenix bound for Santa Fe. "It's eight cars long and always carries the same number of passengers in each car. "An hour later, a number of passengers... "equal to half the number of minutes past the hour get off,

That's enough, Gloria ! Thank you, Gloria. john, why don't you tell us a little about why you're here ? She never cooks, she keeps a filthy house and she talks profanely. - She's the queen of the harpies. - No, I'm not. - Queen of the harpies ! Here's your crown, Your Majesty ! - No, I'm not. Get away from me, you swine ! You've come to the right place.

ass!

I rolled up all the socks. What's next? - While I deal with this, why don't you start on that basket? - All right. Ohh! I hate folding sheets. That's your underwear. Well, whatever it is, it's a two-man job. Where's Bart? He's up in his room. Bart!

Anybody? Okay. That's okay. Because making a happy home isn't like flipping on a light switch. Duh, light switch? There are tricks to it, things you should have learned a long time ago, such as, if you leave milk out, it can go sour. Put it in the refrigerator, or, failing that, a cool, wet sack.

See ya, kids. Me and my Val-U-Qual book are gonna paint the town red... with savings! I'll start with a couple of pizzas, then a complimentary tango lesson. And I'll cap it off with a smooth, refreshing colonic. Um, Dad? do you like piÑA colonics

Take the sob sister act somewhere else. You're standing in my light. Bart, you're staying! Lise, I've learned a valuable lesson here, the pen is mightier than the flaming bag of poop. Oh, it's beautiful! This is an outrage!

Hi, Dr. Nick! Now, if something should go wrong, let's not get the law involved. One hand washes the other. Ooh, that reminds me. These gloves came free with my toilet brush.

Sorry. Here is an ordinary square. Whoa! Whoa! Slow down, egghead. But suppose we extend the square beyond the two dimensions of our universe... along the hypothetical "Z" axis there. This forms...

Hmm? Mr. Burns, I think he's dead. Oh, dear. Send a ham to his widow. Mmm. Ham. No, wait. He's alive. Oh, good. Cancel the ham. D'oh!

His arm! Oh, my special little guy! Are you okay? Hmm. Dislocated shoulder, bump on the noggin. My diagnosis? Rather nasty fall caused by bad babysitting.

I can't let that happen. I gotta go.

Whoo-hoo. Go, S.U.! A&M is gonna kick your ivy-covered butts. Yeah? Well, you went to a cow college. Oh, you're only calling us a cow college 'cause we were founded by a cow.

Come on. Let's concoct more lies.

Activate Prawn Power!

Shut up! Shut up!

Time for Brazil's favorite kids' show, Teleboobies. Clockwise. Counterclockwise. Where's your father? Kidnapped. Oh, my God! Wh-What are we supposed to do? I don't know. Wait for the call.

S-S-So cold! Your lips are turning blue. I think you better stay home. No! Duff Gardens. Hurrah!

Oh, stupid tornado!

We are trying to put a tiny thrill into their gray little lives. Oh, forget it. Turn on the lasers. Aah! My vision. That's it. Show's over. Good night, Springden.

Help us, Homer. Yeah, help us, you fat yutz. Wow.

This is Fuzzy Bunny. About a year ago he noticed his voice was changing he had terrible acne and had fur where there was no fur before. He also noticed Fluffy Bunny.

Look, if you ignore me and I die, you'll get in a lot of trouble. Read page six of the school charter. "No teacher shall be held accountable if Bart Simpson dies." We're also absolved if Milhouse gets eaten by the school snake. Hey, cool! There's a rabbit in here!

Here, kids. I guess you deserve this. Let's go. I guess nobody likes the truth, huh, Grampa? Nope. I'll never watch an awards show again. Unless that delightful Billy Crystal's involved. Marge! I passed!

Gotta finish. Close the door. You're probably wondering about the coat hangers. They're to block the satellite that's been spying on me. Okay. It can read your electronic organizer from space.

Simpson. Hot diggity! I don't care if it's bad news. Oh, Grampa, you're not busy, are you? Well, you're really asking two questions there.

Take it easy, folks. It's "snow" picnic out there. I "snow" what you mean. You're deadweight, Marty.

Here's where I stopped checking it last time. September, 1929. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Smithers, why didn't you tell me about this market crash? Um, well, sir, it happened 25 years before I was born.

Bash their butts! Kick their shins! Kill the dorks! Bash their butts! Run away! The hunt is on.

I feel that you should shut up. You know, you really irritate me, Skinner. What with your store-bought haircut and excellent posture. - Mister, I can't stand the sound of your voice. - Oh, really? Oh, now, now. There's no need to resort to violence. Aw, sure there is.

Hey!

Pish-posh. It will be like taking candy from a baby. Say, that sounds like a "larf." Let's try it right now. Eh, oh, there's some candy right here, sir. - Why don't we eat this instead of stealing? - Oh, very well.

Lookin' for a good time, sailor? I certainly am. No, you're not! He's really not.

Catch you on the flip side, "dudemeisters." Not! Hey, kids, always recycle... to the extreme! Busted!

Stop the clapping! You'll kill us all! Lisa's gone berserk. Do something, Homer. Do something!

Agreed. First prize.

We'll get it back or choke their rivers with our dead!

I'm so proud of you, Mr. Burns. You're getting your fortune back, and you're doing it without endangering the planet... or cozying up to the Aspen crowd. Oh, hold your accolades till the end of the tour. You haven't seen the best part. I couldn't watch your demonstration of the fish caught in the plastic rings... without getting an idea.

I learned to read because of you, Principal Skinner. Sir, I baked you these raisin roundies. Principal Skinner, I got carsick in your office.

Not the swear jar! It's the only thing holding back the filth! Nutty fudgkins!

The best damn pet shop in town! Yeah! All right. But you people remember, baby turtles and alligators may seem like a cute idea for a pet, but they grow up. Let's go, boys.

I spent the next three years in a P.O.W. camp, forced to subsist on a thin stew made of fish, vegetables, prawns, coconut milk and four kinds of rice. I came close to madness trying to find it here in the States, but they just can't get the spices right. Uh, my punishment? Hmm? Oh, I'm gonna have to think about that.

Five, six, don't play tricks Seven, eight, clean your plate Nine, ten, start over again! English - US - Line 21

"Loud"? That's our secret word for the day! Oh, my God! Baah!

Bart, where did you get all this stuff? Let me answer that question with... cookware! A frying pan radio! Wow! Girl, you really got me going

That oughta show God whose side we're on, eh, Pastor? Yes, Nedwin, but we have many more strumpets to incinerate. Brothers and sisters, there is still a witch among us.

My own grandson thinks I'm a liar. Don't kill me! I've tried to meet you halfway on this, Simpson, but you had to be little johnny Live-A-Lot. Now give me your key to the Hellfish bonanza.

Principal Skinner, let's try some rage work. I want you to pretend this dummy right here is your mother. Okay, I'll try. Tell this dummy mother exactly how you feel... right now. I'm annoyed with you, Mother. Not just annoyed, angry.

Oh-Oh, my goodness. I'm free? Oh, Mrs. Simpson. Oh, geez, I'm sorry. Sorry. You won't regret this.

Well, it's not like I carry them around with me. Ooh, it's so hot in here. Oh, look. Here's my People's Choice award. Five Golden Globes. Hmm. Where's my Emmy? Thank you.

One ticket for Cosmic Wars. Uh, sir, this is the line for The Momentum of Things, starring Ellen Burstyn and Jim Broadbent. Oh, man! I waited three weeks at the wrong ticket window!

Attention. This is an emergency broadcast. All is well in the school. My authority as principal is total--

So please, tuck in your children and-- Well, if you didn't listen to me last time, you're not going to now. Enjoy the show.

Ooh. Oh, Smithers, if only you could hear me. Something tells me Mr. Burns needs me.

We need Bart to help fold your father's underpants. Where is he anyway? Bart? Uh, he went to play with a friend. He didn't go to Nelson's, did he? No, no. I'm pretty sure he's with Milhouse. Milhouse! What?

Aw, man. We could've been on the cover of Mad. They called me "Smelson!" Ha-ha! Smelson. It's funny 'cause you smell. Smelson. I could've thought of that. Sure ya could've. Off ya go now.

Santa's Little Helper? Guess I was the only one who loved him. You got that right! Remember the time he ate my goldfish, and you lied to me and said I never had any goldfish? But why did I have the bowl, Bart? Why did I have the bowl? Yeah. He was a great dog.

And the cider mill operated continuously until 1941, when its workers left to fight in the Second World War. When they returned, the old girl was just as they'd left her, only now she was infested with thousands upon thousands of rats. Right. And if you listen real carefully,

Do you know what today is? Today? Yes, of course I do! Happy birthday to you, happy... It not my birthday, Seymour. You know I'm a Sagittarius. Really? I'm a Libra. There's a lot of compatibility there. Skinner, be gay on your own time.

Did it again. Hmm. Where the hell is that soothing music coming from? Homer, what's going on? I gave up anger forever. From now on, I'm into candles, soft music and horse tranquilizers.

I'll never get rid of it. It'll follow me to the ends of the earth! All right! My bumper fell off!

The Bear Buster 5000! Available wherever fat men dream. (DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING) Oh, dear Lord.

- be under more felicitous circumstances. - Ga? - Take care. - Ba. Sideshow Bob has no decency. He called me "Chief Piggum." Oh, now I get it. That's good.

Hello, Springfield! We're going to play all your old favorites! But first we'd like to dip into our new CD-- "Takin' Care of Business"! Don't worry, sir. We'll get to that one. No talkin'! No new crap! "Takin' Care of Business" now!

What? Oh. Hey! It's not really me. I used a stunt butt.

- Move along there. - It's Hammer! Return to your homes and places of businesses.

Mmm. (CHUCKLES) We British sure eat crap. (IN COCKNEY ACCENT) Inspector, might I have a word with you? Absolutely. (GAGGING) Get back down there, you! (GRUNTING) You were saying? Well, it's like this. I'm a proper Cockney flower girl, I am.

Hello, Mother dear. That's it! We have to get them back to school. I'm with you, Marge. Lisa, get in here! In this house, we obey the laws of thermodynamics!

Oh! Diablo Canyon 2, why can't you be more like Diablo Canyon 1?

Get him! Ow! Another tragedy prevented by gun violence!

"Put food in me." I'll take that.

Why, looking into this loveable mutt's eyes just melts my heart. Seymour, all is forgiven. Make way for Willie!

My name is Cesar. This is my nephew, Ugolin.

We never ever made whoopee. Or even mouth whoopee.

in the navy come on and join your fellow man in the navy come on, people and make A stand in the navy, in the navy in the navy

That's not a cookie. That's a time-release blood pack. You, sir, are a perfect patsy. Let me shake your hand. To the gag, I will give a D-plus. As for the workmanship on the hand, it-- Oh.

No. I was thinking about Homer Simpson. That's okay. I was thinking about Sybil Danning.

In light of the damning testimony from your fellow gangsters, your father, your teachers... and a seemingly endless parade of emotionally shattered baby-sitters, - this court has no choice but to-- - Stop! Principal Skinner! I thought he was dead.

But we'll reduce the sentence if you put your pants on... fast! God! Come on, Romeo. They can't lock me up for long, Agnes. Will you wait for me? Are you crazy? My bones are half dust.

Simpson, look what you've reduced me to. Please! Please! But, Mr. Burns, it's not my bear. It's Maggie's. Eh.

Are you kidding? Being a cop husband is one mighty sweet deal. This police radio entertains me with other people's miseries, we get a free funeral for Marge-- God forbid-- and I can run background checks on whomever I want, Moammar. Homer, please, please. Ix-nay on the oammar-May.

The mail! The mail is here! Ooh! "An urgent plea from Edward james Olmos." "Lisa Simpson, can you afford to miss another issue of the Utne Reader?" Kids. Free sample of fabric softener? Whoo-hoo!

- Oh, I hope I didn't miss the floor show. - Nope. - Is Roxanne back? - Yep. - Did she, uh, get my flowers? - She did. I-- Hello, Bart. Hello, Principal Skinner. This is the National Air and Space Museum, isn't it?

Please, Mommy. I want it. Hmm. Ren and Stimpy, season premiere. And finally, Itchy and Scratchy, the "Little Barbershop of Horrors" episode. Cross my fingers for me.

Oatmeal ? Oats are what a champion thoroughbred eats... before he or she wins the Kentucky Derby. News flash, Lisa. Bart is not a horse. Eat your steak, boy.

Help! Nurse! Someone's trying to kill me! Okay, we'll do something about that right away. Let's start by doubling your medication.

Oh. Ooh. That date will not be easy to top. But we shall see. Anybody up for some clog dancing? Why don't you try and stop me?

Seems I misheard my wife. What she said was, she's tired of having rabies. Give me back my belly fruit! If you want, I'll call you after Brandine's next litter.

Homer's in the hospital! They think it's his heart! Oh, my God. - What? - Five cents off wax paper. Clear!

But where will I sleep ? My suggestion... is for you to sleep in the filth you created.

Smithers, I'm going to die. Is there nothing I can do? Well, perhaps. Smithers, go to my office. In the third drawer of my desk are... surgical tools and some ether. Aaaaaaaaaaaahhh! Did you have a nightmare?

Even rarer. Whew! That was one long helicopter ride.

What really matters is my title. I think I'll make myself... vice president. No, wait. Junior vice president.

And I wandered away from the group, married a bear... and I started up my family. I told you I aint a bear! Rawr, rawr, rawr! No one understands you, She-Bear!

Nooooo! Well, despite Bart's objections, the people of South Africa can now vote in free, democratic elections. My friends, Bob is a political prisoner. I want every loyal listener to do everything they can to get him out of jail.

Lieutenant Smash! Yeah, that's right. Lieutenant L.T. Smash. A wig! But-- But your pant legs. How could you soil the good name of Star Blitzzz Promotions?

But you've gotta come back, Mel! - We're a team. - No, Krusty. You always treated me rather shabbily. On our last show, you poured liquid nitrogen down my pants... and cracked my buttocks with a hammer.

Coming up next, Springfield's latest one-hit wonder, "The Moe Szyslak Connection," produced by David Byrne. Moe, Moe, Moe How do you like me How do you like me Moe, Moe, Moe Why don't you like me Nobody likes me Eh, we can spend another week at the ranch.

My name is Kang, - and this is my sister, Kodos. - Hello. I suppose you wanna probe me. Well, might as well get it over with. Stop! We have reached the limits of what rectal probing can teach us.

I'm looking for... Homer Simpson. And I've been looking for you too, pal. Pound him, Dad! Bart, don't! Quiet! Dad's gonna get his butt kicked by Mel Gibson. Knock his teeth out, Homer.

Listen. I can take care of everything. All you have to do is un-shrink me. Un-shrink you? Well, that would require some sort of a "rebigulator," which is a concept so ridiculous it makes me want to laugh out loud and chortle, bleh-- Ah, but not at you, O Holiest of Gods, with the wrathfulness and the vengeance... and the blood rain and the "Hey, hey, hey, it hurts me."

I've never seen the baby get tired of it before the adult. Peek...a...boo! Uncle Homer, will you sing that crazy song we love? Okay. Is that all there is Is that all there is

The boy! This isn't fair!

Kent Brockman here for a follow-up... with Springfield's favorite hard-luck family, the Simpsons. Folks, any words for the Christmas thief, if he's watching? Eh, yes, Kent. Uh, hello, jerk.

We're rich! Richer than astronauts!

Hold it right there.

Excuse me, sir. Is this El Clínico Magnifico? Ah, you saw our bus ad.

No. Well, you do now. We are here live in the K.B.B.L. parking lot to see...

that clown prince of corruption, and join me in a public burning ! So, is Krusty the Clown about to trade in his baggy pants...

Hey, you've gotta be 18 to sell your blood. - Let's see some I.D. - Here you go, doll face. - Hmm. Okay, Homer. just relax. - Ow ! At the risk of losing my voice,

So if you don't want to see crude, lowbrow programming disappear from the airwaves, please, call now. Hello! Murdoch here. $10,000! You've saved my network. Wouldn't be the first time.

Well, Burns isn't getting this back cheap. I can tell you that. He's gonna have to give me... my own recording studio. Two all-beef patties special sauce lettuce, cheese Pickles, onions on a sesame-seed bun Homer, you're drooling on the mike again.

Awesome! I'm blasting all the state capitals! Oh, take that, Salem, Oregon! Wait a minute. This game is educational! That'll teach you to teach me!

Dad, I know I've been a little hard on you the last couple of days. If I had the strength to lift my arms, I'd give you a hug. Thanks, boy. Now, be careful when you-- Oops.

J I got Krusty in hot waterJ J Now I’ve got to help him out Da-da-dum JJ Shut up, boy. Oh! I dont get a song? Mom got a song. With the economy the way it is, you’re lucky you get soup.

Who wants to say grace? Let's let our guest do it. Bless us, O Lord... Hey! Krusty, do the honors. Well, all right. I'm a little rusty, but, um... I'll try. Baruch ata Adonai Eloheinu melech ha-olam ha-motzi lechem min ha-aretz.

There goes my turn. This is not good. Aw, nuts. Huh? What? Oh, already?

The guy in the pink shirt is the father of the family who was just released from a mental hospital. Thanks, everybody. It's great to be sane. We want Michael! We want Michael! We want Michael! Here he is. Here's the guy you want to see!

Moe's Tavern. Hello. Is Al there?

So long, Superman. Your secret identity is safe with me.

No ! Bart, no ! Homer, wake up, wake up. Huh ? Oh, man.

Oh, no! It's coming back this way! That throwing-stick stunt of yours has boomeranged on us!

The answer is no, Mr. Burns. Not for any amount of money.

There was A little Spanish flea A record star he thought he'd be he heard Of singers like beatles the chipmunks he'd seen on tv... Why not A little Spanish fleA? and so he...

Oh, Santa's got a little trick up his sleeve. Attention shoppers, Register 9 is now open for your shopping convenience. Sorry, these are for display only. This has been recalled. Ooh, Bart would like this. We're out of these. Out? But I just-- Register 9 is now closed.

We learned the truth at 17 that love waS meant For beauty queens Like Miss South Dakota. Miss North Carolina. Miss Indiana. Miss Alaska.

Marjorie, please. I enjoy all the meats of our cultural stew. Ahh, ballet. Hee-hee-hee. All right. Whoo-hoo! Yea! Yeah!

That's Catholic, Marge. You might as well ask me to do a voodoo dance.

minerals explode in a vast panoply or'- f Man: Prerecorded Narration f Since the dawn of time... travelers iooking for guidance have turned to the heavens. Polaris- the star of the North. Mighty Orion 's bet

I'm sorry. Hi.

Here, little fella. Dad, no! Error. I'm sorry. I thought he was a party robot. Oh! This is why I can't have nice things! Every time I design a robot, somebody comes along and--

Hey, Moe!

Make sure we have cold cuts, and put some beer on ice... I'm a vegetarian and I don't drink. Are you sure you're here voluntarily? Yes. Please make sure he doesn't tell anybody I'm coming. Yes, Dad, I solemnly swear I will not tell another living soul-- No, not even Milhouse.

I don't wanna hit a sore spot, but can we talk about herpes? Herpes, herpes bo-berpes Banana-fana, fo-ferpes Herpes, oh Hey, that spot on Gorbachev's head-- Herpes! Trust me.

Whoa! An automatic garage door opener makes you feel like... you're working in a futuristic wonder world.

She insists I pay her retroactively for the food I ate as a child. Yeah, yeah. That's, uh, unfortunate. Well, Seymour, I make superintendent money, which amply covers both food and car. I-- Holy jumping Caesar's catfish! My "H" has been stolen! Oh! That's how people knoW it's a Honda!

Oh, Mom, I've missed you so much. Oh, honey, I've missed you too. Homer, is that an old Halloween costume? Uh, no.

Stupid lumber. Damn it! D'Oh! I..! Oh, the hell with this!

Ah, Oliver North. He was just poured into that uniform.

Oh, no ! Two hundred and thirty nine pounds ? I'm a whale. Why was I cursed with this weakness for snack treats ? Well, from now on, exercise every morning, Homer. Oh. Don't strain yourself, dear.

It's ram's blood for your godless ceremony. April Fools'! Now who's laughing? Now who's laughing? And that's the story of April Fools' Day.

Really? You like it? Oh, I'd love to wear this someplace special. Sperlock's Cafeteria it is. What about the symphony or the theater? Oh-- What's the point of going out? We're just gonna wind up back here anyway.

More lemonade, Bart?

Here he is conferring an honorary degree on Richard Nixon.

This is most exciting Nobel Prize ceremony ever. I disagree. It must be tough to win the Nobel Prize and lose your father on the same day. Oh, I didn't really lose my father.

Paper bag or triple Mylar? Uh, no, thanks. I'll just eat it here. Oh! No! What are you doing? Good, fair, poor!

We're gettin' outta here. Whoa! (ALL GASP) They're escaping! Seal the perimeter! I'm on it!

Not the church! Jesus lives there!

Oh, Lisa, stop pining for your saxophone. I got you another instrument. What, this jug? Hee-hee! Whee! Whoa-ho-ho! Lisa, never, ever stop in the middle of a hoedown.

And you can't join the Stonecutters because it's too exclusive. Oh, well. That was a real nice secret organization we had once. Stonecutters, eh? How do I join? There are only two ways to gain membership: be the son of a Stonecutter-- Next? Or save the life of a Stonecutter. Hey! I saved your life.

Wasted away again in margaritaville searching For my lost Shaker of salt Oh, here it is.

I wouldn't count on that, Number Five. As far as your family knows, Homer Simpson is walking in the front door... right about now. I'm sorry. What? Homie! Marge, honey, fraülein, I'm home. You're not my husband.

Hey, look, it's PelÉ! PelÉ is king of the soccer field. To be king of your kitchen, use Crestfield Wax Paper.

We might as well face the truth. As long as we are Stonecutters, he will control our lives. Maybe. But maybe we don't want to be Stonecutters no more. This is much better than the old Stonecutter hall.

Feels like I'm wearing nothin' at all. Nothin' at all. Nothin' at all. Stupid sexy Flanders! Ow! My leg! This is the worst pain ever!

You beat up Jon Lovitz just because he presented me an award.

Is he still out there? Yes. He's raking leaves. What? That's your job! If he starts doing Lisa's wood chopping-- If he wants to make it up to you so badly, I think you should let him.

Man, this is pathetic. I'm goin' for it ! Bart, no ! No ! No ! No ! Oh, no, wait. Oh, no. Bart, don't. Don't. No !

I don't know what's happening. It seems our profits have dropped 37%. I'm afraid we have a bad image, sir. Market research shows people see you as something of an ogre. I ought to club them and eat their bones!

Aw, man, that would really keep your head dry. Have you ever been in a police car? Not in the front. Hey, I just had this crazy idea. Really? What? What's this thing? "Miranda Rights Teleprompter"?

Oh, you think this stolen "H" is a laugh riot, don't you?

I can use the potty now. Mmm. (PSYCHEDELIC MUSIC PLAYING)

- "P.S. We've taken your old lady." - D'oh! Could you at least tell me what you're planning to do with me? Oh, don't worry. You're completely safe. None of us find you sexually attractive.

They are coming back for us, aren't they? I don't know.

(SHOES TAPPING) Okay, it's time to win the love of these hateful morons.

Get in the car.

(LAUGHING) (AUDIENCE LAUGHING ON TV) (GROANS) I talked to Dr. Hibbert today. He gave me a list of heart-smart foods. "Cotta-hay cheese"?

What I want to know is, what the heck was that body doing there? Maybe there's murder afoot. - Murder most foul? - Maybe. You know, if Dad never told anyone, that body must still be out there. This sounds like a case that only the Simpson family can solve.

The alien has a sweet, heavenly voice, like Urkel. And he appears every Friday night... like Urkel! Well, your story is very compelling, Mr. jackass-- I mean, Simpson. So, I'll just type it up on my invisible typewriter.

We found some guys who know how to treat a woman.

A monster! Is this you? If it is, don't dial 911. Simply dial... 636-555-3472.

Well, thanks, Carl.

(BLUEGRASS MUSIC PLAYING) Sashay this and fancy that Watch the dog dance with the cat (SIZZLING) (ANGRY MURMUR)

Sure. There's only one thing you need to know... to be a great quarterback. joe, honey, I fixed it. It was just vapor lock. Oh. Oops. Hey, look, I gotta run. Remember what I told you.

Here she is! Isn't that cute? She's coughing. Aw. I'm gonna give her a kiss.

We can buy real periodic tables... instead of these promotional ones from Oscar Mayer. Who can tell me the atomic weight of "balonium?" Ooh. "Dee-licious"? Correct. I would also accept "snack-tacular."

Didn't Itchy junior look happy playing with his father? And didn't Scratchy junior look happy playing with his dad until they got run over by the thresher? Wasn't that a beautiful cartoon?

Why, I'd be delighted to sell you some illegally smuggled goods. Fat Tony, is that you? Fat Tony? Hey, where's that voice coming from? This guy's wearin' a wire! Take him out!

Oh, Mr. Burns, we'll thaw you out... the second they discover the cure for... 17 stab wounds in the back. How are we doing, boys? Well, we're up to 15.

Now, are you gentlemen gonna buy some wigs or ain't ya? I guess fate was against us. It's really nobody's fault, right? Huh? Right?

Rubber knife? This place is for wimps. Okay, kids. Now I'm gonna teach ya how to trap wild animals. - But this should only be used in a life-or-death situation. - Hmm. Ooh! Floor pie. I-- Whoa!

Wh-Wh-What's your name ? Lisa Simpson. - Well, go ahead, Miss Simpson. - Um, one: Your belt buckle says "State of Texas," but Texas wasn't a state until 1845. Very good. Two: The revolver wasn't invented until 1835. That's excellent. Three: You seem to be of the jewish faith. Are you sure I'm jewish ? Or Italian. I'm jewish.

"Barnacle Bill's Home Pregnancy Test"? Homer, shouldn't we have gone with a better-known brand? But, Marge, this one came with a free corncob pipe.

f Whistle Blo wing f

Ha-ha! Excellent.

You sent me to the chair. Snake? But you're dead. I know you are, but what am I? No. No. No!

Mmm! No, Dad, they're apples. Yuck! Well, that's it. I don't want anything to do with this wagon train of death. Either switch to apples, or go on without me. Hmm!

Uh-oh.

Hey, the Jewish Walk of Fame! Here, go on Sandy Koufax. I lost ten grand when he wouldn't pitch on Yom Kippur! I did five shows that night! Okay, boy. Let's find my star.

Let's twirl some more platters at Greaser's Cafe, where the '50s are never goin' away! Well, that dream is over. At least we still have each other. Right, honey? Honey?

Lisa, the president of Harvard would like a word with you. Nasty business that zero. Naturally, Harvard's doors are now closed to you. But I'll pass your file along to-- Brown. Mmm. Heck of a school. Weren't you at Brown, Otto? Yep. Almost got tenure too.

Turn it up! Turn it up! Hello. I am Montgomery Burns. Now then, I am looking for a suitable young male heir... to leave my fortune to when I pass away. My vast, vast, vast fortune.

Anything to declare?

Wow ! Swanky ! Mmm, delicious ! Smithers, every year you outstrip yourself in succulence.

(SCREAMS) You crushed my boyfriend! You better be good at making out! Today, Geezer Rock will be officially designated a national landmark. What's the big deal about a rock that looks like a dude? I've got a dad that looks like a monkey.

It's a fairy tale.

How was it? It wasn't that great. Be honest. It was the greatest movie I've ever seen in my life! And you wouldn't believe the celebrities who did cameos-- Dustin Hoffman, Michael jackson-- Of course, they didn't use their real names, but you could tell it was them.

Hang on. I'll buzz you in. Buzz!

You hit her pretty hard there, Rick.

That intrepid lad is my great-grandfather, Franklin jefferson Burns, tossing that tea without a care... for what the caffeine would do to the Fenway flounder. - Is that a fish? - It was. Hey, that guy looks like you. Oh-ho! That's me, all right--

Bart and Lisa have to go to school... while I get to stay home. Nyah-nyah-nyah, nyah-nyah-nyah.

Let's see. I've been to Afghanistan, Serbia, Lebanon... (LOUD ERUPTION) Okay, okay, I lied! I shoot wedding videos in Dallas, Fort Worth... Okay, okay, just Fort Worth! Ah! Hello, UN Women's Conference!

Your turn, Bart. Whoa! That's good Squishy. What's it like, Bart? Bart? Bart?

And that's how, with a few minor adjustments, you can turn a regular gun into five guns. Here's some more chocolate curls, gun buddies. Anyone else want a beer?

You make me sick, Homer. You the one who told me I could do anything if I put my mind to it. Now that you're older, I can tell you that's a crock. No matter how good you are there's always a million people better. Gotcha-- Can't win, don't try.

Now, make yourself at home. Perhaps a glass of Bordeaux? I have the '82 ChÂteau Latour and a rather indifferent Rauzan-SÉgla. I've been in prison, Cecil. I'll be happy just as long as it doesn't taste like orange drink fermented under a radiator.

Hey, Chief. I think that's the guy who mugged her. Yeah. Looks like she caught her own criminal... unlike the rest of you lazybones. You’re not gonna find those criminals looking at your feet, people.

Ooh! You look just like your picture. Sorry. My mind's made up. I wanna have a kid, and this is the only way I can do it. Why do you wanna have a baby so bad? I got a lotta love to give,

I like pizza I like bagels I like hot dogs with mustard and beer I get the picture. I'll eat eggplant I could even eat a baby deer La-la-la-la-la-la La-la la-la Who's that baby deer on the lawn there Enough already! Sorry.

Wait. That's not how you spell "dumbening." Wait. "Dumbening" isn't even a word! I've got to find out more.

I don't want to talk about it. He got overthrown! Now he's just a stinkin' flight attendant.

Hi.

Hi, Homer. Find your soul mate. Hey. Wait a minute! There's no such thing as a talkin' dog. Damn straight.

Oh, just that one time. Actually, when I was about to have Bart-- You're pregnant? And then when I told him about Lisa-- You're pregnant again?

You can't tell me what to do.

What the- It made another mel How cool is that? Ah- Hmm. No belly button. Shuttle's in the hangar. You want to be my slave? Outstanding!

Did you ever see that Blue Man Group? Total rip-off of the Smurfs. And the Smurfs-- They suck! Uh-oh. I smell gangrene. We gotta wake him up. A little coffee'll do the trick.

- Thanks for coming. - I please to aim. I'm so happy. I just had to tell someone. I have a boyfriend.

Will it?

We told you to hold on to the handrail. We asked you not to spit over the side.

The new, improved Kidz Newz has been canceled.

Finally, some recognition.

I've gotta stop fantasizing about Lee Majors. Ah, one more.

Why don't you make me? Why? Oh, I give up.

Aw. You know something, Marge? It's not that tough being a film cricket. I've learned I have a gift to share with the world.

it's Mom! Huh? My name is Blanche DuBois. I thought my life would be a Mardi Gras A never-ending party Ha!

Well, what do we have here? Looks like the biggest rip-off since Webster. Please, Mr. Coleman. We can explain. I'm listening. Your toy company is evil. Well, isn't it possible for an evil company to make people happy?

Keep your Odor-Eaters on, Selma. I've seen you get hurt too many times. I'm not gonna let him into my heart or my bedroom. Just 10 minutes on the beanbag. Come on, Short Round. We're going back to my temple of doom.

My wife's having a girls' night out.

I got so swept up with the notion of being liked, I completely forgot who I am. I'm a selfish old crank, and that fits me like a Speedo. So what do we do with our friend here? Uh, throw him in the Dumpster?

Mr. Silas, this young lady's flashing her privates. Oh! Well, I'll dispose of this! All for Silas. All for Silas.

How romantic.

KENT: Coming up. Can yodeling cure cancer? Of course not. But first, where is Artie Ziff? (GASPS) The SEC wants to know. It seems Ziff Corp. spent stockholders' money on everything from marble toothbrushes to solid gold underpants.

You'll have to shut down the mall. On President's Day weekend? Are you crazy? Crazy with concern for the public, yes. Now shut this place down before the old folks come in for their morning walk.

One more time! Oh, come on, Lisa. I got a date with Billie Holiday.

Team Discovery Channel! Your wussiness better come in handy.

just buy it. You don't have to rationalize everything. Hmm. All right, I will buy it! It'll be good for the economy.

Don't worry. Being eaten by a crocodile... is just like going to sleep... in a giant blender. Wonder where this river goes. I've got a map. Monkey. Now, according to animal crackers, there's no river here. Eh-- Stay in the boat, Homer.

Welcome to the kitchen of tomorrow-- today!

Send help.

I am King Talkie Tiki! Hey, Flanders. Can your god do that? A-Actually, Homer, you and I worship the same god, so-- Irregardless! I am your god now.

He's spinning the ball on his finger! just take it! Take the ball! That game was fixed. They were using a freaking ladder, for God's sakes.

To the east side

ow, ooh. ow, ooh. Ow, ooh. Whoa! Oy! That's gotta hurt!

to the thousands of death traps lurking in the average American home.

Uh, I'm somewhere where I don't know where I am! Do you see towels? If you see towels, you're probably in the linen closet again. just a second. No, it's a place I've never been before. Uh-huh. The shower. Hey!

Oh, look at him sleeping. He's like a little angel that killed 50 million people. Yes, you are! Yes, you are!

Next to you, perfection is crap! Ruff, ruff. I'm Poochie, the rockin' dog. Hi. I'm Troy McClure. You may remember me from such cartoons as... Christmas Ape and Christmas Ape Goes to Summer Camp. You're even better than this guy.

Chew, chew, chew! Swallow, swallow, swallow!

Hey, where's my melon? And you are banned for life from all of my performances and TV specials! But I can still see your movies, right?

I knew we shouldn't have put a fireplace in the bedroom.

Uh-huh, uh-huh. Okay. Um, can you repeat the part of the stuff... where you said all about the... things? Uh, the things?

You're collecting days are over, Collector! Stop right there! I have here the only working phaser ever built. It was fired only once: to keep William Shatner from making another album. Stretch Dude! Help! just a sec.

Oh, no. Inside the evil Bartron... is a horrible, mutant boy! We'll be safe here till Mom and Dad... The evil overlords, get home. As wacky as those kids were, they were no match for Captain Wacky, later renamed "Homer."

I am shocked and appalled.

Oh, uh, you lousy son of a-- I'll take it !

Oh, be quiet! You'll wake up John Wayne.

If some snot-nosed little kid sent me to prison... the first thing out I'd find out where he lives... and tear him a new belly-button. Lousy snitch. Yaah!

Ooh, this one's open. Ooh! Stomach churning! Bowels clenching. Not much time. Must finish.

Marge Simpson? ts Ruth. Ruth Powers. Ruth Powers? My old neighbor? Oh, my goodness. Look at you. I got this body in prison. l was Miss Mexican Mafia three years in a row. Wow.

Good. I must warn you though. This procedure will cost you upwards of... $30,000.

Bart! What in the name of high school football?

Carnies took over our house. You've gotta help us! Well, well, look who's here. Mr. No-Bribe. Sure, we'll help you. just sit down and wait for Detective Like-i-Give-A-Damn. Thank you so much. Dad. Honey, Daddy's waiting for the detective.

Now march. Hey, everybody. Look at this. It's that boy who laughs at everyone. Let's laugh at him. Ha-ha! Wave to the people. Blow them kisses.

By authority of the city of Springfield, I hereby confer upon you the name of Seymour Skinner... as well as his past, present, future and mother. Okay. And I further decree... that everything will be just like it was... before all this happened. And no one will ever mention it again...

Dimoxinil ! Whoo-hoo !

i've never seen Bart so ashamed of me.

All right! Yeah! Cool concert. Am I right?

Now I got ya ! Aah ! Aah ! Boy must die ! I love you, Dad ! Doh ! Dirty trick. Okay, I'm not gonna kill you, but I'm gonna tell you three things that are gonna haunt you for the rest of your days.

- Got it, Barn? - Got what? Ow! You're stealing a table? I'm not stealin' it. Hotels expect you to take a few things. It's a souvenir. - Ah. Is that my necktie you're wearing? - Souvenir. Mom, what if there's a really bad, crummy guy...

I okilly-dokilly, "schmokilly" do. And do you, Homer, take this cocktail waitress you just met... to be your lawfully wedded wife? What did you call me? Do you want to get married? Married. Sure. Sock it to me, baby.

Should we give them some of their money back? No. Hurry, Mr. Rooney. We've got a disenchanted little girl in a jell-O Pudding commercial. I could play that.

I'll get you, you fat lunatic! Uh-oh.

We drove 18 hours to come here. On the plus side, this rope is mighty soft. Mmm. Touch it, kids. KIDS: Mmm. Party! Party! Party! Homer, these are people you work with. Show some restraint. Restraint! Restraint! Restraint!

Some folk'll never eat a skunk but then again Some folk'll Like Cletus the Slack-jawed Yokel

Oh, yeah. How is old Grimey? He's dead! Like you should be. Wait. Frank Grimes wasnt married. How could he have a son? He happened to like hookers, okay?

uh, well, uh,

Mmm. As I was saying, my yearly evaluation couldn't have come at a better time. Well, Seymour, I must say, for once, I am impressed. In fact, I am going to give this school a perfect 10. I'll just write the zero first.

Oh, I have had it! I have had it with this school, Skinner! The low test scores, class after class of ugly, ugly children!

When Krusty the Clown got canceled-- he tried everything to stay on the air. Here's what you didn't see. If you watch my show, I will send you this book featuring me... in a variety of sexually explicit positions. What? Oh. Hey! It's not really me. I used a stunt butt.

Gyyaaagh!!

you're my only friend. What was that about?

Hey, that wasn't supposed to happen!

After all, we are from the land of chocolate. Mmm... the land of chocolate!

But why would the advisory board give us bad advice? No sugar! Thank you, but we're not allowed. Ah, it's okay. There's no sugar in pixie sticks. - Trust me. - Okay. Hmm. Don't hog it all, smelly head! Go to hell, zit face!

I'm not going to turn his home into a saloon.

Well, you knew I had a temper when you married me. Ned Flanders is on the phone. Oh, if this is about that stupid quarter again, I... Hello, Ned. Sorry to bother you, Reverend Lovejoy. Our son Todd just told us he didn't want to eat his damn vegetables.

Never!

Ow! Ow! Ow! What the hell is wrong with you? Gee! Sorry! It's a pretty standard stunt, Homer.

Relax, Marge. I'd never turn a gun on a human being. My husband, on the other hand. Come on. You try it. No. I couldn't. Yeah. Just breathe slowly and squeeze the--

Well, I don't think they're gonna be that easy to lose. These are professional lawmen and-- Oh, my God! It just disappeared. It's a ghost car! There are ghost cars all over these highways, you know. - Hold me. - Only if you hold me.

and I think I can put the "pal" back in principal. Yeah, and I'll put the "super" back in superintendent. It's the same exact joke. What gives, Leo?

I don't know, Bart. Something tells me Willie's still out there, and that he could come back... any time, in any form, and kill us in ways we can't even imagine! Boo!

Ooh! There's Ross Perot. Dr. Laura. Spike Lee. Wait a minute. They're not so great. Okay. But there's Dan Quayle and Courtney Love. Tonya Harding! Al Sharpton! Tom Arnold! What the hell's going on?

Why don't we fill out an application. I'll need your name, measurements, and turn-ons. You expect me to tell you that?

Hello ! I'm home, I'm home ! Hello ! Oh, hi, Homer. You gotta help me, Barney. I'm in jail. You are ? Hey, Homer. Go to the window. Hi, neighbor. I can see you ! Ju-- just get over here and bring 50 bucks for bail ! Fifty bucks ? What'd you do ? Kill a judge ?

Dad, do you realize what you've done? You've created a world without death. Does this mean they'll never cancel the Jim Belushi Show? I guess so. (SCREAMING) No! LISA: A world without death.

Oh! All right. All right. You win for now, but someday you'll rust! Rust, I tell ya! Dad. Dad?

Sing it, baby! My quarter! Okay, I'll just even this out and-- Mr. Laswell... I've done it again. I know you can't understand me but you're a lousy dog and I hate you.

Your education is important. Roman numerals, et cetera. Whatever. I tried.

Amazing!

Everyone's here, from recently outed leading man Dash Calhoun... to Krusty the Clown. Hey, hey! Krusty, why won't you answer my calls? You've never even seen our son! Here's one of those loveable high-schoolers... from TV's Springfield Heights, 90210.

Hans Moleman Productions presents... Man Getting Hit by Football. Ooh!

Before I go, I want to say something. Game shows aren't about cruelty. They're about greed and wonderful prizes, like poorly built catamarans. But somewhere along the line, you lost your way. For shame.

MAN ON TV: Bobby, I got propane in my urethra.

Springtime fresh, winter white. What could be better? Oh, man, I really gotta-- NO-O-o! So, Bart, how are you feeling? Can't complain. Well, then, you're ready for your makeup test. My ovaries!

Why that little--

Why, " my best friend- f Homer's Voice] Maggie. Huh? - Bad news, Sheriff- - f Homer's Voice f Lisa Simpson. - Some Indians took all the- - f Homer's Voice] McNuggets. Mmm, McNuggets. f Sia vering f i ii get those no-good indians. ..

You love her too. Damn right! Homer, I want you to show this woman the time of her life. Gotcha. Marge, we're gettin' some drive-through; then we're doing it twice. No, no, no. I've got something even more special in mind.

My birthday ? It's my birthday ? No ! What did I get ? I love birthdays.

Milhouse! What? Tell Bart to come home! I think he's at Nelson's! Who's Nelson?

Oh, my God! He is coming on to me. After all, negotiations make strange bedfellows. Sorry, Mr. Burns, but I don't go in for these backdoor shenanigans. Sure, I'm flattered, maybe even a little curious, but the answer is no.

I want my old dad back, the one who was yelling all the time and-- You know, I'm not really sure what I want.

Hmm.

I think that guy's a spy. Of course he's a spy. You just saw him go through spy school. Oh, wait. I heard how this ends. Turns out the secret code was the same nursery rhyme he told his daughter. It's pretty obvious if you think about it.

You've already used up your birthday and Christmas presents on that peach tree we got you. And you hardly ever play with that anymore. Yes, I do. Sure, I do. Look! La-la, here I am playing on my peach tree, Mom.

- Skinner! - What? What?

I have a question. Pop quiz, hotshot. I'm supposed to be doing my homework, but you find me upstairs reading a Play Dude. What do you do? What do you do?

Is that me? Oopsie. We got some leakage. Let me just cauterize that for you.

Oh, Bart. I know you're still getting adjusted here. Tell you what. We'll do whatever you wanna do. Watch itchy & Scratchy! Well, I guess a little television won't hurt. I used to let the boys watch My Three Sons, but it got 'em all worked up before bedtime.

What the-- Aah! Can't... stop... doing... the Monkey.

All these celebrities on the walls. I just know a big star like you is up there somewhere. Uh, yes. I'm over there. Hmm? Hmm. Hmm. Mm-mmm. Hmm. Hmm. Oh!

Now let's play ball! Ooh, and Lenny is taking off! That's a foul. I am taking the ball and going home. Hey! Hey, that's not your ball! The chase begins.

Shh! Oh, Why'd you have to shush? You ruined the whole show!

why can't this Crazy love be mine

D'oh! Oh!

The unsold copies of Dad's autobiography.

Crazy scheme, crazy scheme, crazy scheme--

I'm talking about treating serious injuries. Serious injuries. Oh, that's gold.

I know exactly what I'm-- Whoopsie. Tap the brakes. Tap the brakes. Turn into the skid. No, away from the skid. Hit the brakes! Floor it! - Go with it! - Shut up. One at a time. Lisa? Bail out!

Silent night Holy night All is calm All is bright Rou--

The Simpsons (TIRES SCREECHING) D'oh! (EXCLAIMING) (BRAKES SCREECHING) (YOWLING)

Wherever we are, youll have your church. Are you with me, boys? Speaking in tongues. What great kids. Full house. Jacks over twos.

Can... we... skip... church? Now, uh, what did this Christmas thief look like? Well, he had a glass eye, a wooden leg,

Ah! Oh. Am I really that ugly? Moe, it's all relative. Is Lenny really that dumb? Huh? is Barney that drunk? is Homer that lazy, bald and fat? Oh, my God! It's worse than I thought! See, this is why I don't talk much.

Now we'd like to speak to you seriously for a moment. Yep. This week is the grand opening of Itchy and Scratchy Land, the violentest place on earth. And to celebrate, for this week only, we're cutting ticket prices in half.

You wrecked Hitler's car. What did he ever do to you?

it's not unusual to find that I'm in love with you oh, whoa-ho-ho-ho-ho whoa, whoa whoa, whoa Shh!

(THUNDER CRACKING) Why did I put my faith in science and technology? (THUNDER CRACKING) Oh, why did I choose to be gay? Oh! This movie will haunt me for the rest of my life. Just like Cannonball Run II.

that we've been able to increase safety here at the plant... without increasing the cost to the consumer... or affecting management pay raises. However, for you semiskilled workers, there will be no Christmas bonuses. Oh, and one more thing. Merry Christmas !

From my face Losing control, yeah I'm all over the place What I'm trying to say in this cartoon... is that violence is everywhere in our society-- You know, it's, like, even in breakfast cereals, man.

Da. Poland, eh? Too easy. How ya doin', Germany? Here's my impression of an East German woman. "Kees" me, or I'll crush you. He says what we're all thinking. I'm not thinking that. Hey, Swiss miss. There's no missin' you, babe.

Yep. I saw her. That is to say, I seen her. She seemed like a nice lady. Well, that nice lady set the cause of biological warfare back 30 years.

Hot sauce.

Damn crappy nails! Super glue, my butt! D'oh! You bas..! Hit it..! Shot..! D'Oh! Homer? What is it, Flanders? I'm afraid I have a bone to pick with you.

Nineteen. Hit me. Twenty. Hit me. - Twenty-one. - Hit me. - Twenty-two. - D'oh!

I think we put on a pretty darn good science fair. It-- "Go-Go Ray"? Allow me to demonstrate.

Marge, it'll cost $8,500. We only have 500 in the bank, and that leaves... eighty-hundred we need.

Slow down, you sidewalk-surfin' cube-gleamers!

I'm looking for a friend. Last name: jazz. First name: Hugh. Hold on. I'll check. Huge ass? Somebody check the men's room for a huge ass. I'm Hugh jazz. Telephone.

And this is for shooting down police helicopters. Oh, I don't need anything like that... yet. just give me my gun. Sorry. The law requires a five-day waiting period. We've got to run a background check. Five days? But I'm mad now! I'd kill you if I had my gun!

Hold on, Son.

Hendrix said he almost plotzed. His exact words. Oh, I never tire of that story. Smithers, why did you iron a crease in these dungarees? I look like a square. Uh, that crease is in your leg, sir. Oh, so it is. Yes.

Fading. Fading. Rising! Fading.

Yeah, Bart Simpson, we're gonna make you sing. That's it, Bart. Oh, why can't you be more like, uh, uh-- - Us, Mrs. Krabappel ? - Yes, Sherri and Terri. They know how to behave.

Uh, I should go. What's the matter, Pop? Don't you love me anymore? Oh.

Ooh, he's so adorable. Can we have another baby? No way! I still haven't lost the weight I put on from the last one. And with the money left over, the orphanage was able to buy a door. Now the monkeys cannot bite me. Uh-oh.

Bart, are you thinking what I'm thinking? Probably not. Lie in the snow and count to 60. Hyah! Merry Christmas, suckers!

Sure. Ohh! Ha-ha-ha. Now we're even for your party. Come on, let's go play. My mom won't let me be your friend anymore. That's why you couldn't come. What's she got against me? She says you're a bad influence. Bad influence, my butt!

Mr. Plott, Homer Simpson here. When you sold me this house, you forgot to mention one little thing. You didn't tell me it was built on an Indian burial ground ! No, you didn't ! Well, that's not my recollection.

But it's so cheap.

Ned, I'm worried about you. You've been working nonstop for the past week. Well, it's been a tad harder than I thought. But I'm not complaining, 'cause I work for a sweet, sweet boss. You're our foreman, Maude. She's still bossing you around from beyond the grave? Can they do that?

Come on! Come on! Leave me alone! Ow! Look at me. I'm Angry Dad! Ow! Ow!

Homie, are your really going to ignore Grampa for the rest of your life? Of course not, Marge, just for the rest of his life. He said I was an accident. He didn't want to have me. - You didn't want to have Bart. - I know, but you're never supposed to tell the child. You tell Bart all the time. You told him this morning. But when I do it, it's cute.

Hey, I never noticed this place. Dad, it's right across the street from us. That fancy house will never sell. Nobody who could afford it would want to live in this neighborhood. Hey, what's wrong with this neighborhood? Big shot! Too good to buy a house here, snobby? Who you talking to, Homer? The guy who doesn't live there.

Heroically, i gave him the last short stack. Then that glory hog took all the supplies and headed for the top alone.

Bart, is that you? No! Say your prayers! Oh, Lord, please strike these mountain folk dead. Bart! Listen, we're really sorry. We got lost on a field trip from Springfield Elementary.

Hey, what are you laughin' at? What? Oh. Oh, I get it. I get it. It's my big ears, isn't it, kids? Isn't it? Well, children, I can't help that.

Only Khlav Kalash. Men's room in tower.

It's a real honor to be guarding your body, sir. just remember, you represent the office of the mayor. So always comport yourself in a manner befitting-- Quick, honk at that broad. Good work, Simpson. I couldn't be happier with the way that went.

Oh, I don't wanna walk that far. Anything that takes 12 steps isn't worth doin'. Get it? Huh? Twelve? Steps? Hey, how did I get out here?

Hey, Mrs. K.! Oh, Arthur!

"I can't go to prison, Monty. They'll eat me alive!"

Oh, no! An anti-escape orb! Huh. That was easy.

They've charged us for a call to Brazil. Boy, did you make a prank call to Brazil? No, sir. I didn't. Choke on your lies! I'll teach you to-- Homer, they must've made a mistake.

Sugar's made my Ralphie hyperactive. I'm happy and angry.

Maude, eh?

What? You give me one good reason!

Well, at least we won the bike.

I don't think it had broken axles before. Before! Before! You're livin' in the past, Marge. Quit livin' in the past. That's funny. I used to be able to go down there. Going bowling. Not back, avenge deaths.

And sometimes I got into trouble.

Simpson, I want you to rejoin our power plant family. Sorry. No can do. Hear me out, Simpson !

Well, I'm glad you were having fun, because I've had my hands full with Apu's mother. Oh, right, right. The fake marriage thing. How's that going? Okay, Apu.

Well, the fact is I wanted to come up with a case even you couldn't solve. And besides... So long, you stupid British twits! Oh! You'll never catch me!

and you screamed, "I'm a hemophiliac," and when he let you go you kicked him in the back? Yeah? Will you teach me how to do that? Sure, boy. First, you gotta shriek like a woman. And keep sobbing till he turns away in disgust. That's when it's time to kick some back.

(STOMACH GRUMBLING) Uh-oh. Here comes the gospel according to puke!

Fourteen dollars and 10, 11, 12 cents. There you go. You know, sir, tipping is customary. Ooh! Me sorry! Me no speaky Chiny! Mmm. Oh, General Gao, you were a bloodthirsty fool, but your chicken is delectable.

You took four minutes of my life, and I want them back.

Oh, my little Maggie.

This is Kent Brockman live from the Aztec Theater, where police have learned that kidnapper Homer Simpson... and hostage, Larry Burns, are inside talking loudly.

It's Bill Pullman, you fool! Point out your plot holes elsewhere. Is there no place for the man with the 105 I.Q.?

I went through the same thing when Lyndon johnson died.

I think you'd better drop it.

Let's send him into one of his trademark fits. Hey, come on. Make your eyeballs explode. Stop it! The more you rock, the angrier I get! You heard the freak. Come on! Come on! Leave me alone! Ow!

Turn that off. This could destroy our town. Look what happened to Hitler City, North Carolina. If they hadn't changed their name to Charlotte, they'd be sunk. Sir, conventions are pulling out of Springfield left and right. The Paprika Festival, Bandana Days! Sir, we just lost the Adult Video Awards. Not the Boneys!

Ohh. English side ruined! Must use French instructions! "Le grille"? What the hell is that?

You dumbass. I'm telling you I'm the Pie Man. No, you're not. The Pie Man could fly. And spit acid. And animals did his bidding. (MUTTERING IN AGREEMENT) Well, that closes the book on Pie Man. - Wait a minute. - What? If it wasn't Simpson, who was it? It's gonna be you if you don't shut up.

- Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh! - Ahh! This is partly my fault! Prank be undone! Destroy the evil one! Not me. Help me, Bart!

"To start, press any key." Where's the "Any" key? I see "Esk," "Catarol," and "pig Up." There doesn't seem to be any "Any" key. Whew! All this computer hacking is making me thirsty. I think I'll order a Tab. Oop. No time for that now. The computer's starting.

Can we put him in more of a hip-hop context?

You see? Jazz is like a jell-O Pudding Pop. No. Actually, it's more like Kodak film. No. Actually, jazz is like the new Coke. It'll be around forever.

I always just figured my wife was my soul mate. But if it's not Marge, then who is it? Where do I begin looking? This really goes beyond my training as a furniture salesman, sir. Now, if you don't want the sofa, I'll have to ask you to leave.

Hi, Dad. Hi, son! How are you-- Ew! Dad, look. I made fish sticks. They're burned on the outside, but they're frozen on the inside, so it balances out. Yeah, good. That raccoon stole my lamb chop!

Coming up next on BHO, - it's Arli$$. - Nah! - Nah!

Prepare to engage enemy. Bogie's air speed not sufficient for intercept. Suggest we get out and walk.

Keep at it and never lose your cool. Aw, come on, ya stupid-- Let that be a lesson to the rest of you... nuts. Okay, Dad. I'll be persistent. Is that how you got Mom?

Hmm. This kitchen certainly could use a woman's touch. - Homer, what's this thing in the corner ? - I don't know.

See, it's a miniature version of the A-bomb. The government built it in the '50s to drop on beatniks. "Radiant, cool, crazy nightmares. Zen New jersey nowhere." Put this in your pipe and smoke it!

Very tempting, but I assure you, I'm still not sold. Want to split an ice cream sundae? Done and done! BART: Check it out. Principal Skinrash. Nice work, Bart, but give him a runny nose.

in laying in the middle of a public street.

Homer. Use the for-- The Force? - The forks. Use the forks. - Oh.

Look, Son. Edison was just like me. You mean the wild mood swings? No! We both lived in another man's shadow. This old-timey nerd and I have suffered the same frustration and heartache. We're not rivals.

Shh! Cobras! English - US - Line 21

What about me? You didn't thank me. You didn't do anything. I like being thanked.

and imprisoned us in his floating Aquaworld. jiminy jillickers!

Bart Simpson, I know you cut school yesterday. And as soon as I can prove it, I'm shipping you off... to the Christian Military Reform School.

All right. Here's your policy.

Dad! Look! I'm on it! Be careful- Uh-oh. All right, aim for the big hose coming out of his face. What, you mean the trunk? Easy there, college boy. Wait! Wait! My son, my husband and the Van Houten boy are in there!

I feel like luge silver medalist Barbara Niedernhuber.

Hey, Lenny, sending some outgoing mail? You know it. - I'll probably send some tomorrow. - I hear that.

Hey, hey, how about that weather out there? Whoa, that was the caller from hell. Well, hot dog, we have a "Wiener."

All I have to do is follow the yellow drip road. There's our secret meeting place.

Oh, this is bad. This is really bad. You work and you slave and you steal just enough... for a sweet lick of that shiny brass ring. DOn't I get a lick? Doesn't Gil get a lick? Simpson, Homer J. Hey, put in a good word for ol' Gil, would ya?

Ha-ha!

Thank you, Krusty, and welcome, children. I am Mr. Black, your head counselor.

Oh, I'm so confused. Lise, Skinner is using you like a pawn on his unholy chess set. On my chess set, the pawns are all Hamburglars. (UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

We killed Itchy and Scratchy? Good riddance. Wanna go celebrate? I feel like liver and onions. Mmm.

No, they did not have yo-yos! I am sick and tired of talking about yo-yos. I will not accept any book report science projects, dioramas or anything else on yo-yos. Am I making myself clear? Yo.

Oh. I know. I heard it too. Here's some musiC.

F-- Dear Lord! That's the loudest profanity I've ever heard. These fumes aren't as fun as beer. Sure, I'm all dizzy and nauseous, but where's the inflated sense of self-esteem?

That's it. Don't be shy. Now maybe a little joke to break the ice. Or a big joke. Careful now. Nobody likes a show-off.

So, who wants a Preflight cookie? Fig Newtons? Hydrox?

I don't get it. I don't get it. I don't get it. I don't get it. I... don't get it.

What is matter? Never mind.

Huh? He thinks you're gay. He thinks I'm gay? Everybody Dance now

Hey, Mrs. K.! Oh, Arthur! We're wasting more energy than Ricky Martin's girlfriend.

And now, a man who needs no introduction...

What the..? D'oh!

Whaa ! Yikes ! Uh-uh-uh ! Ha, ha, ha ! Ha, ha, ha ! Oh.

All right! ANNOUNCER 2 ON TV: Congratulations to our winning father and son team, who will receive a free appetizer at Fuzzy Zoeller's Green Jacket Steakhouse. "And you won't be teed off when you come in "because our steaks are cooked to par-fection.

Ooh! Pretty colors. Me want a drink. Oh!

Well, before she died, she ordered this Bible especially for you. Why, there's my name, in gold. Now you weren't home, so we had to pay the delivery man. Well, I'll just reimburse you right-- Wait a minute. This seems an awful lot like that movie Paper Moon. Run, Dad!

Give it a try. It's like kissing a peanut.

Yeah, you can use it.

I'm here to see my Grampa. Here I am, sonny. You're not my grandpa. Ah, come on. Give me a chance. Hey, can your grandfather do this? - Oh! - Bart! Aw, you remembered my birthday. Huh?

Beautiful! Use it. Okay. Fallout Boy, origin scene, take one--

Shakespeare's fried chicken Come gorge yourself today...

But something's a little off. Hey. Marge. You don't smoke. Well, I just felt like filling the house with the rich, satisfying smell of tobacco. You're nuts. I gotta get some fresh air.

The same joe Valachi who squealed to the Senate committee about organized crime? Benedict Arnold. The same Benedict Arnold who plotted to surrender West Point to the hated British? D'oh! I am a-so glad I had a chance to meet you... before we did this, Krusty,

Bart, quit it!

Tiptop-notch! Okilly-dokilly. Thankilly-dankilly. Greatalicious. Scrumpdiddlerific. Fine and dandy like sour candy!

on the back of some stupid truck. Whoa. I gotta replace that window. "Pool-mobile"?

Hey, kids. i made your favorite cookies. Christmas trees for the girls and bloody spearheads for Bart. Aw, thanks, Mom.

like the swallows returning to Capistrano.

Hmph. Oh. Hmph! Oh, sweetie! Hmm. Oh.

I want to pet him again. You can pet the cat. The cat? What's the point?

I have a question. If you're so good, why do you allow bad things to happen? Why am I so fat? Why do bad things happen to good people?

"The only exception was the embarrassingly dated humor... of Springfield's green-haired, red-nosed hack--" Yeah, yeah, yeah. "Krusty the Clown." No! They say any publicity is good publicity. You, sir, are an idiot.

Oh, honey, think pink. Look. A salute to safe sex. Ha-ha-ha.

Hmm. You can play your little tie-up game inside. I've got some cocoa on the stove. Who wants imitation marshmallows ? - Me. I do. I do. - I do. - I'd raise my hand if I could.

he has a new court-ordered sidekick-- Ms. No-Means-No. Whoa! You're hot! Let's get some dinner after the show. I have dinner with all my employees. Right, Sideshow Mel?

Oh, I... concur. Word-a-day Calendar. I'm just trying to work up the courage to ask Burns for a raise.

I dance, I dance, I dance And that's the end of that Or is it I guess I'll keep singing My cell phone appears to be ringing Hey! Barney, did you ever notice how hard it is to drive with your knees? Why don't you get one of those hands-free phones? It's the next best thing to paying attention to the road. Hands-free, eh?

Inanimate, huh? I'll show him inanimate! Stupid carbon rod.

I'm jimmy Stewart's granddaughter, and you'll be hearing from my attorney.

He's dead!

Please don't tell the supervisor I have the flu. I've been working with a shattered pelvis for three weeks.

He's in charge of quality control. Fine. Fine. Mouse. Fine. Mouse. Rat. Fine. Syringe. Fine. Nose. Fine. Let me just say you're doin' a great job, Phil. Hey, thanks a lot. That makes it all worthwhile. Mmm! Gummi Beer.

Good-bye, Lisa. Hey, Lenny, I need to leave early. Cover for me, will ya ? Hey, sure thing, Homer.

That's the end of your loony tune, Drugs Bunny. You're under arrest for astro-vandalism. And may God help you if that thing carried the Spice Channel!

No, he's right, Homer. Stay out of this, old man. Dateline, Kent Brockman. i'm here at the scene of the Christmas burglary,

Each Planet Springfield is filled with priceless Hollywood gewgaws. There's the coffee mug from Heartbeeps! And there's the cane from Citizen Kane! Wait a minute. There was no cane in Citizen Kane. And there's that awful script from The Cable Guy.

You better get out of my way, please. Slow down. The sidewalk's for regular walkin', not for fancy walkin'.

Okay, who wants dinner? Well, let's get eatin'. All right, all right. Sorry.

I put my homemade football on hold and set to work making the world's greatest Bat.

Mom, can you bring me more O.J.? Can you get me some of those Flintstones chewable morphine? There's no such thing. Marge, the boy's wasting valuable time.

Yes! My precious CarToons! "Who pumped Ethyl?" How come I never get any mail? I'm sorry, honey. Here, you can have the junk mail.

No, you.

Hey ! Wha-- Come on, you stupid tube ! Hmm. Looks like there's a jam in Delta sector. It's too big to be human. Send down a few kids. That should dislodge it. Roger.

We've met you many times, Miss Naegle. Why do you keep changing jobs? I'm a sexual predator. Oh.

All right, Mom. I promise you will never be billed for another call. Bobby Sherman.

The following is a public service announcement. Excessive alcohol consumption can cause liver damage... and cancer of the rectum. Mmm, beer.

Hyah! Merry Christmas, suckers!

98.6. You're fine. Now hurry up or you'll miss your bus. Maybe you better take that temperature one more time.

Dad, you shouldn't wear glasses that weren't prescribed for you. Lisa, just because you're 10 feet tall doesn't mean you can tell me what to do. I'm Bart. Give me those.

The challenger learned how to fight... in the notorious projects of Capital City... and honed his skills while serving time... for aggravated assault and manslaughter in Springfield Prison. All right ! A local boy ! For five years I was incarcerated,

I rounded up every Simpson in the tri-city area... so I can prove to you there's nothing wrong with the Simpson genes. This is your great-uncle Chet. Go ahead, Chet. Tell her what you do. I run an unsuccessful shrimp company. Oh. But... you run it, right?

Fresh Khlav Kalash! Get your Khlav Kalash!

Hey, Homer, what's all the hubbub? Let me guess. You travel back in time again? Shut up! You haven't even been born yet! Easy, Homer. I'll bring you back. Safety dance Ohh! Oh, boy, am I glad to see you guys. That was Men Without Hats.

Oh, hi, Bart. I'd gladly share these sweet cookies with you... if only you would help me remove this ribbon. - Here's a knife. - Oh, thank you. Now let's all share the goodness. Share this.

Can't.

Only who can prevent forest fires? You pressed "You," referring to me. That is incorrect. The correct answer is you.

One of us made some money. I sold a guy our spare tire. D'oh! Well, it'll be a long time before your mother gets back with the tire, so why don't I tell you more of the story? Now that we had a name, the Be Sharps needed a hit.

oh, shake, shake, shake shake, shake, shake shake your booty

Every time You are near Just like me - They long to be Ohh. Hey, would you like to go-- She's mine !

I'm Principal Sinner-- Skinner. Well, that's it. I've lost them forever. Now I'd like to introduce you to Lunch Lady Doris, who will serve you healthy, nutritious meals. Yeah, right. Ms. Phipps, the school nurse, who will provide ointments and unguents, and jimbo, the school bully,

Ah, these minstrels will soothe my jangled nerves.

Ah, sucks to the law. Stop! Leave Milhouse alone. Help me out here, Bart. I don't know, Lise. To be honest, that verdict made me pretty angry. Bart's with us, law girl. Step aside. Hey, man. Leave my sister alone!

as long as they have shocking story twists and endless pillow talk. Cleo, cleo, you've brought music to my heart, but this relationship can never work. I'm a doctor, and you're a 5,000-year-old mummy I brought back to life. But I love you, Tad, and together we can burn all the cities of the Earth.

Oh, you'll be at the feast. I have a feeling you'll be the guests of honor. Tell us more about this feast. No, no. Eat now. When we arrive, there will be plenty of time... to chew the fat.

Swim toward San Francisco! I'm not made of money! We'll swim to Oakland.

Are you comparing yourself to our Lord? Well, in bowling ability. Sweet bowling alley balloon, you're my only friend. What was that about? Marge, has my life peaked?

That's my girl. You took little children to The Re-Deadening? Homer, this is a rare lapse in judgment for you. But scaring kids is good for them.

The Catholic Church-- we've made a few changes. These Super Bowl commercials are weird.

Lugash must go next door to anger management class.

he-e-ere's Snake!

"Drunk Cop"- Is that you? No. Look lower. Ooh, pie.

Dealing drugs? Drugs? I'll have to say drugs too.

Oh, no. They're biting him and stealing his pants. Good lord! He'll be sucked into the turbine. Smithers, who was that corpse? Homer Simpson, sir.

And a sloppy speller too. The preferred spelling of "Wiener" is w-i-e-n-e-r, although "e-i" is an acceptable ethnic variant. Good point. Boys, let's see your hands. Mm-hmm. Good. Okay. Simpson ?

Oh. Nice doggy.

It's about a man whose father-in-law gave him a sweet job... as manager of a cracker factory. Boring! A man whose complete lack of business sense and managerial impotence-- Ooh! Here we go! sent the number one cracker factory in town... into a tie for sixth with Table Time and Allied Biscuit. You want to hear a secret, everybody?

I just had a vision of my own horrible, fiery death. And? Lisa, your brother's obviously had a nightmare. Don't worry, honey. The scary part's over. Marge, look at all this great stuff I found at the marina! It was just sitting in some guy's boat.

Hmm. Clean house, no silverfish. Could've been very happy here. Homer. Moe. What are you doin' here? I, um-- Well, I-- I never touched her. Homer, I swear, I never touched her. Here's your water, Moe. I didn't ask her for no water. She's lyin', Homer. She told me you were dead.

I don't want to be either. Hot diggety damn! That's good enough for me.

Christmases, birthdays, Easters, Kwanzaas, good report cards. Hmm, 75 bucks a pop plus interest and penalties. You owe me... $22,000. I'll Kwanzaa you!

I just don't feel challenged. Of course we could make things more challenging, Lisa, but then the stupider students would be in here complaining, furrowing their brows in a vain attempt to understand the situation.

Soul? Come on, Milhouse. There's no such thing as a soul. It's just something they made up to scare kids, like the boogeyman, or Michael jackson. But every religion says there's a soul, Bart. Why would they lie? What would they have to gain? I don't hear scrubbing! If your soul's real, where is it?

w'w' f The Blue Danube f

I taught Paul McCartney to go "Whoo!" "Purple Rain!" Shut up! Michael Jackson just told me to shut up!

He is not the official town crier! Police, do something! Well, I'd like to, ma'am, but he's too damn good. Let him march, boys. Let the man march.

BART: Check it out. Principal Skinrash. Nice work, Bart, but give him a runny nose.

(DOOR CHIME RINGS) Oh, brother. Why do we get all the weirdoes here at the comic book store? Comic Book Guy, don't do the crime if you can't do the key lime! (EXCLAIMING) How could this be any more humiliating?

Fine. I will! Oh, no. My pudding is trapped forever!

Wait. Don't go. Love me!

your baby, Maggie Simpson, is dead!

- Bud. - Weis. Er. - Bud. - Weis. Er. Coors.

La la la-la-la-la-la Mr. Simpson. La-la-la-la-la Mr. Simpson? Huh? Oh, sorry. We were talking about chocolate? That was ten minutes ago.

Uh-oh. This way. Uh-oh.

Oh, Lisa, it's terrible. Okay. This dance has gone Titanic. What happened? Well, the boys and girls are, like, afraid of each other.

Lisa, your date's here. Hey, Lisa. Milhouse? Ugh! I've been turning him down for the prom since kindergarten. Yes. You relented at age 12 when he pulled you out of a house fire, which you later found out he started. You should have seen the look on your face. In fact, here it is.

Here's one of those loveable high-schoolers... from TV's Springfield Heights, 90210. He's cool, he's sexy, he's 34 years old. Let's hear it for Kyle Darren! And here's country singing sensation Lurleen Lumpkin, fresh from her latest stay at the Betty Ford Clinic!

Save your tears, Moe. Save 'em in a shot glass for someone who still has a shred of hope. A shred of what? Sorry. I was counting the cocktail radishes. Now, where was I? Uh, two, three-- three radishes. Three big radishes.

Excuse me. Paul Bunyan never fought Rodan.

But-- Please, just sit down. I'm embarrassed for both of us.

Oh, I... concur. Word-a-day Calendar.

Say, I wonder if this Homer Nixon is any relation? Unlikely, sir. They-- They spell and pronounce their name differently.

she has been most vocal on the subject of the pretzel monies: "Where's the money? When are you going to get the money? Why aren't you getting the money now?" And so on. So, please, da money.

Oh, it's beautiful, Dad. It's a crane. The japanese believe they bring good luck. Oh, be careful. We need that money to get home. No!

Oh, this seems somehow familiar. Let's see. Hmm. Oh! Whoa! Too hot. Mmm, hmm. Oh. Too cold. Well, this doesn't take a genius. Mmm. We're in the three bears' house!

do it For yoda while we serve our guests A Soda uh, and do it For chewie and The ewoks And all the other puppets

I'm so excited. It's like giving birth to a child of steel and iron. (BEETHOVEN'S FIFTH SYMPHONY PLAYING)

Oh. Kids have been doing that one since my day.

I have a bomb! Hey, wait a minute! Those are hot dogs! Armour Hot Dogs! What kind of man wears Armour Hot Dogs? It was a good idea, Bart. But it's just not working. just speak from the heart, Seymour.

Dr. Zaius, Dr. Zaius Dr. Zaius, Dr. Zaius Oh, Dr. Zaius Dr. Zaius, Dr. Zaius What's wrong with me I think you're crazy Want a second opinion You're also lazy Dr. Zaius, Dr. Zaius Dr. Zaius, Dr. Zaius Dr. Zaius, Dr. Zaius oh, Dr. Zaius

It's just a piece of paper. It's mine! "Frightfully sorry, but there is no hidden treasure. "I have already used this time to escape from your jail. Fondest wishes--" Oh, I can't make out the signature! Keep digging. We're bound to find something. Mmm. I guess we're not going to find anything.

Wait a minute. Go back. Zoom in. Why is that man in pink?!

Aren't you gonna say bye? Good-bye, Homer. That didn't sound like you meant it. Oh, all right. Good-bye, sweetheart. Have a nice trip. That's more like it. So long, suckers!

Fine. I'll do it myself. That was amazing, Mr. Burns!

All right, stick it to the man.

If you don't like it, it's gone!

Whoo-hoo! Twenty-five dollars! Ooh! Mmm... hot wax. Oh, hammer.

jungle man.

Name, please. Certainly. I am... the, uh, piano genius from the movie Shine. Uh-huh. And your name is? Uh, Shiny McShine. Actually, he's Homer Simpson. That's Bart. I'm Lisa. Lisa Simpson? You're the ship's proofreader. Welcome aboard.

They were about rebellion, about political and social upheaval! Did you talk about me in therapy today? I don't think so. Tell me the truth! Don't tell her I raised my voice. Don't. Happy family. Happy family.

Welcome to your home for the next six months. Oh, man. I cant wear this. I look like Buster Brown, whoever that is. Oh, you look adorable, Lisa. Your school chums are going to be so jealous of your little outfit. God, I wish I had that little outfit.

Whatever Homer wants All my life, I have searched for a car that feels a certain way. Homer gets Powerful like a gorilla, yet soft and yielding like a Nerf ball. Now, at last, I have found it.

We're realistic.

Oh, yeah? Then prove it, ass-butt.

In episode 2F09, when Itchy plays Scratchy's skeleton like a xylophone,

Sure, he's not perfect. But who is in this workaday world? No, Mom. Wait. It's time for me to bend over and receive my destiny.

Marge, how could you ? I was so close. I'm sorry, but this is more important than that silly, loud game. You're right, Mom. I'd just like to use this occasion to announce my retirement, undefeated, from the world of video boxing. Oh, calm down, Homer. Lisa has an idea that she thinks...

Hee-hee-hee! I got your doughnut, Lard Lad! And what are you gonna do about it?

Okay, Marge. You hide in the abandoned amusement park. Lisa, the pet cemetery. Bart, spooky roller disco. And I'll go skinny-dipping in that lake... where the sexy teens were killed a hundred years ago tonight. Now, Flanders, I want you to--

This is Armin's life. Maybe it's not perfect, but at least I'm back where I belong. I was born a no-goodnik, and I'll die a no-goodnik. Seymour! I didn't bring you up to use language like that! You didn't bring me up at all. The hell I didn't! I've been taking care of you for 26 years! I'm the only mother you've ever known! But you have your real son.

You guys work on the movie? You're sayin' we're not working? Oh, I always wanted to be a Teamster. So lazy and surly. Mind if I relax next to ya?

The mother's the voice of reason. Here come the cricket bats.

You were always my special little guy. Bart, here's that cupcake you wanted. I can't help but think if I had just given it to you in the first place, this whole horrible tragedy could have been avoided. I know you can't eat it now,

Dance! All right. We're finally gonna stop those corporate pigs from dumping that nuclear waste. Oh, no! Our boat is sinking.

Oh, my juice Loosener's never gonna come. - Hey, Dad, this came for you in the mail. - Whoo-hoo!

What is this, open mike night? Hal Now to get me some caveman hookers.

You can only find it on products which meet the high personal standards of Krusty the Clown. - Ow! - Oops. I should've warned you. That clock gets incredibly hot if you leave it plugged in. That's okay. Uh, all this stuff is fine.

Homer, this is a terrible thing that's happened. But we can't blame ourselves. We can and will ! Children need discipline. You can ask any syndicated advice columnist. Marge, are we ever gonna see him again ?

What do you want? Surely there's no harm... in laying in the middle of a public street. Not the elephants!

I don't wanna have to wash any dishes. So from now on, drink straight from the faucet or milk carton, and we'll eat while standing over the sink or toilet. - Who's gonna change Maggie? - We're gonna let her roam free in the backyard, and nature will take its course. Excuse me, but I think if we all do our fair share, we can keep this house clean.

in the lusts of our flesh-- I'm a troll man Do do do do do do do I'm a troll man I don't want you playing with something that has such bizarre hair.

Can't you just give me a spanking? Come on. Go nuts. Don't point that thing at me. I said you're not going to the movie, and I'm sticking to it. Dad, I agree that Bart should be punished, but The itchy and Scratchy Movie is the defining event of our generation. How would you've liked it if someone told you that you couldn't watch the moon landing?

when you grow up you can suck your pacifier all you want.

The Statue of Liberty? Where are we? All right, Posse, that's our target.

Lisa, read about my adventures in the South Seas... and make me live again. We've got periodicals on microfiche.

All I know is the guy who played Mozart was also in Animal House. Now there's a movie with good music. Animal house, house, house Nobody ever went to class Then we saw Donald Sutherland's ass

Yes, thank God those days are over.

Lady, this better be good.

Can't breathe. Sweet chocolate... cutting off air.

Very well. I will have a shot of cranberry schnapps. Uh, these, they're just painted on there. Your choices are beer and, uh, egg soakings. I'll pass. Beer is the nectar of the nitwit. Hey, you knockin' beer? Nobody bad-mouths Duff!

How could you let me turn into you? Bu-Bu-But the poncho! "Bu-Bu-But the poncho." Hit the road, square.

Ahh-- Ow!

The middle one is my house. Someone must have left the porch light on. Hey that's rough, pal. Hello, Marge. You left your damn porch light on. Barney ! Homer's not made of money, you know. Who is this ? Don't listen to him, Marge. He's-- - Oh, it's you. - Oh.

And I'd like to apologize one last time... for my unfortunate remarks at the United Nations. Maggie, cut that racket! And where exactly are you going? I'm auditioning for a play.

Ooh! Mmm. Ohh! Mmm.

"Y." "Y." So many letters to choose from. I'll pick "Y." "Y." "Y." What the heck are you doin' over there? There! You found the floor. "Y." "Y." "Y." "Y." "Y." "Y."

Sir, I am in your debt. Use it wisely, my friend.

And there's your whatchamacall repressed trauma. I mean, who likes getting muddy? It's terrible. Okay. Let's go to Moe's now. Wait a minute. I remember falling in the mud, but I don't think that's why I've been screaming. Fine. Crap all over my theory. Something else happened in that quarry.

So why'd they send you to juvie? - Shoplift a scrunchie? - Get bent. I pushed Snow White over the parapet at Disneyland. BART: Oh, man. Did she live? Yeah.

Mango lime salsa? That's the kind of bold flavor they enjoy in... Albuquerque! He's right! Yeah! And the wrapper says "Albuquerque Isotopes"! Homer was right! They're planning to move the team!

that I lost my appetite. Could you direct me to President Francois Mitterand's table? You think you're funny? 50 million Frenchmen can't be wrong. We've been going about this all wrong.

My heart was in the right place, jerk!

Uh-oh.

It's like Paul's song, "Live and Let Live." It was "Live and Let Die." Whatever, whatever. It had a good rhythm. I guess I have been pretty hard on a lot of people, especially my dad. Thanks, you guys. Lisa, before you go, would you like to hear a song? Wow! That'd be great! Okay. Take it, apu.

A ghost train! And so little time to get out of the way. Now less. Now none! D'oh! Hey. Get off the course, you bum! Security! Wha-- Golf course? Did I dream that whole thing?

Homer, all those fatty deep-fried, heavily-salted snacks can't be good for your heart. My heart is just fine. A little beer will put out that fire.

Can it outrun The Flash?

just watch. I don't think he's coming back.

Now, look, boy. If your da goes gaga, you just use that "shin" of yours... to call me, and I'll come a-runnin'. But don't be reading my mind between 4:00 and 5:00. That's Willie's time!

A little from column "A," a little from column "B."

Where's Otis? He's not in his cell. - I shot him. - Well, that's a-- What?

Yeah, I used to be rich. I owned Mickey Mouse massage parlors. Then those Disney sleazeballs shut me down. I said, "I'll change the logo-- put Mickey's pants on." Some guys you just can't reason with.

We'll have family fun! Family fun!

You're my only hope, Nibbles. Godspeed, Nibbles. Godspeed.

Scully, you're cut. Uh, Brooks, Groening, Simon, you're all cut. Castellaneta, gone. Kavner, cut. Cartwright, cut. Smith, sorry. Cut.

Uh, come here, tiger. Hmm. Would you like some wine? Yes!

You're on your honor not to steal anything. Oh, we won't. Little jamshed, the store is in your hands. How I have waited for this day.

Ah! Hello, UN Women's Conference! (EXCLAIMS) We're trapped!

Whatever you say, Mr. Billboard!

Hey, Hollywood. Call me. My number's on the bench.

Hello, Smithers. You're quite good... at turning... me on. Um, you probably should ignore that. No, it couldn't be!

Yeah, yeah, yeah... Hi, kids. Today's show's going to be the funniest, side-splittingest cavalcade of... Aw, the hell with it. Roll the cartoon.

Aw... you be good. I will. As I look into this sea of smiling faces I am filled with a sense of loathing and revulsion.

I gotta barf! Where's the bathroom? Oh, my tummy! I told you we should've served cake instead of oysters! I'm ruined!

This year I invested in pumpkins. They've been going up the whole month of October. And I got a feeling they're gonna peak right around january. And bang! That's when I'll cash in. To Homer! And to Sergeant Pepper,

Sir, you're alive! But how? Because of my svelte physique, I was able to fit in a narrow air pocket. I survived on whatever sustenance came my way.

"No! No! No! Don't stop a-rockin'!" Dad, please. You're embarrassing us. No, I'm not. I'm teaching you about rock music. Now, Grand Funk Railroad paved the way for jefferson Airplane, which cleared the way for jefferson Starship. The stage was now set for The Alan Parsons Project, which I believe was some sort of hovercraft.

Oh. jacks. jacks are big. They went out for a while, but then they came roaring back. Oh, you mean that game with the little rubber ball? Oh, don't worry. You'll pick it up fast. Once you get to foursies, you're in the zone.

Wow! That's much better. Everyone can enjoy that.

By the end, I thought I was a hummingbird of some kind.

The hurricane

Next week on Behind the Laughter: Huckleberry Hound. I was so gay. But I couldn't tell anyone.

Do you want to hear my award-winning secret? Human interest stories. They tug at the heart and fog the mind.

I don't understand. That wasn't funny. Wait a minute. Somebody's not laughing here. It's him. Hey. Don't blame me. This movie is tired and predictable. You know she's gonna wind up marrying Richard Gere. I thought she'd wind up with that rich snob.

Tell me more. I want to know all the constellations. Well, there's... Jerry the cowboy. And that big dipper looking thing... is Alan... the cowboy. Oh, Papa Homer, you are so learned.

Sure. Sure we had. Of course we was caves. But every cave had a national anthem. I'll never forget my cave's national anthem. What was that national anthem? Let 'em all go to hell except Cave 76 What's with the si-- What's with the siren?

Oh, stupid tornado! Look. It got Patty and Selma.

If ifs and buts were candy and nuts-- - Uh, how does the rest of that go? - Please, just promise you won't buy an air conditioner till we've figured out a way to help Lisa.

You're dead. You should wash up for dinner. To make it fun, you can use the Mr. Bubble. It'll be like giving your fingers a bubble bath. You are so dead.

Hey, hey! Hey, what's the matter? Oh, that's right. My grotesque appearance.

You outrank Mr. Burns here? Sure. Watch. Hey, 29, get over here. - Wah, wah! - Ugh. Thank you, sir. May I have another? Oh! Patience, Monty. Climb the ladder.

Why should I go inside? The world is my toilet now.

Whoa! Ooh! Aah! It's hopeless! There's nothin' to it. Give me those heels. Heel, toe, heel, toe, heel, toe. Hmm. Do you really think I can win? Hey, I'm starting to think I can win.

If anyone ever tells you a hog won't eat a finger, they's lyin'. Oh, crap! It's on fire! Inflammable means flammable? What a country!

During the exam, I'll hide under some coats... and hope that somehow everything will work out.

D'oh! Hens love roosters geese love ganders everyone else loves Ned Flanders Not me! Everyone who counts loves Ned Flanders

- Homer ! You promised. - I promised I wouldn't eat ? Never. You lie.

Oh, no! You killed Captain jack. You in a heap of trouble, son. You'll have to catch me first! Uhh! Ow! Ow! Ow! Okay. I'll go quietly.

Hello, Beefcake Charlie. (CHUCKLES) Dad, how could you say these things?

Hmm. There it is. "Australia." I'll be damned. Look at this country! "U-R-Gay."