comb.io - Clips

Well, they'll-- When they find him, they'll, um-- Excuse me, you didn't answer me. You just trailed off. Yeah. Yeah, I did kinda... trail off there, didn't I? I know Milhouse. I'll just check all his old haunts.

Oh. So many wasted nights.

That's it, Bart. Oh, why can't you be more like, uh, uh-- - Us, Mrs. Krabappel ? - Yes, Sherri and Terri. They know how to behave.

Dad, what's wrong? We better get him home. There you go.

Nightmare neighborino If you despise polite left-handers Then I doubt you'll like Ned Flanders Or his creepy little offspring Rod and Todd - That's us. Hooray. F-L-A His name is Ned

There goes a real sack of crap. Indubitably, old chum. Marge, no matter what happens in the future, promise me you won't vote for Lenny. Okay, but you've accomplished a lot.

Not Sunday-- Daddy-Daughter Day. The usual, Moe-- a beer... and a wad of bills! Okay... you lucky moron.

had nothing better to do than to teach me and Bart a lesson? I know it seems far-fetched, even insulting to your intelligence. But there's a simple and highly satisfying explanation. You see-- Hey, everybody! Surf's up! Cowabunga! Woo!

Please don't exclude her because she's different. Where were you planning to keep this horse? I've got it figured out. By day, it will roam free around the neighborhood and at night, it will nestle snugly between the cars in our garage.

So, what do you think of the Lady Krusty mustache-removal system now, Angelique? It's "Krusterrific," johnny Unitas. - But is my upper lip supposed to bleed like this? - Probably. At this rate, you'll be broke in a month. The only thing left to do is to open a clown college and train some regional Krustys.

Ah, le mot juste.

I said crazy house! Poorhouse. Crazy house! Poorhouse. Crazy house! Hello, you've reached the New Bedlam Wrongly-Committed Hotline. All our operators are currently busy. Please stay on the line. Crazy crazy For feeling...

Well, Chief, don't quit your day job. Whatever that is. TouchÉ, Homer.

Son, I know it hurts. I still remember my first lifetime banning. Hey, where's my melon?

This Christmas, everybody wants Funzo. "Funzo"? I said that name in class. Funzo's soft and cuddly. With lots of firepower. Ow. Yes! Ha-ha! Funzo! Funzo! Funzo!

Oh! Good. Oh, no! That one's slowin' down! Oh, good. Oh, that one's wobbly. Oh, you got that before I even said it. What's new, pussycat Ow, ow, ow, ow What's new, pussycat Oh, God, no

Uh, excuse me. No banging your head on the display case, please. It contains a very rare Mary Worth... in which she has advised a friend to commit suicide, thank you.

Well, Son, I guess it's time to go home.

Hang on, Homie! I'm gonna try to set her down! Thank you. Wow! A lot of people have pools. Honey, my shoulders are separating!

How about you, Milhouse? I guess a nurse shark. I mean-- Well, looks like Mr. Walrus and his family... are enjoying their Sunday brunch. Shut up. What am I? Some sort of joke to you people? Now over here is our newest exhibit,

Come on, baby Don't fear the reaper Baby, take my hand Shh! Cobras!

Okay, Ron, which one of our girls said the following about you: "He looked so sexy, I hoped we would have sex"? Well, that's a tough one, 'cause I did the deed with Uta, Candy and Shasta.

Lord, please use your space-age clog-busting powers on this stubborn drain... then take some time off for yourself. Fly to France, have a nice dinner. I'll just call a plumber. C) Lord, I see thou art working through thy imperfect vessel, Marge. For thou art most wise-

Shred it! Shred it! Extra gloves. Extra gloves. Mushroom bonus. Reload. How will we get Bart to take these? It's all about trust, honey. Ow! Knock it off! Homer, we agreed we'd discuss the medication with Bart.

Hello? No, Bart is not available tomorrow to deliver a human kidney to Amsterdam. Homer. Are you laughing at me?

Temperance, I'll treasure your memory as long as I... No, no! Not the new guy! (LAUGHING EVILLY) Now that your boyfriend's dead, I'm free to be selfish, drunk, emotionally distant, sexually ungenerous, pissy, and...

Oh! Forget it, Homer. People don't read these things. Watch. Twenty percent off at Lullabuys. just tell 'em Big Baby sent you. I know you can hear me. I'm talkin' to you.

Catch my drift? Milhouse, lower those eyebrows. And the other one.

Hey, Lise, I dare ya to drink the water. I'm not sure that is water. Chicken. Quit it, Bart. Quit it! Quit it! Quit it! Bart, be quiet! Lisa, drink the water!

Gross! Thanks for dinner. Ow! No!

Okay, guys. We push him out of the way in exactly three seconds.

If I were invisible, you think I'd waste my time with this belt-shirt combination? Excuse me. We're looking for Mr. and Mrs. Simpson. I'm sorry to say this is their son. Oh! So he's the strudel-sucking globbenheimer who has bankrupted them with his expensive treatments. "Strudel-sucking globbenheimer." You need to think about that.

We're going to be in a pie! Sir, for your own safety, we do advise you to evacuate. I ain't leaving! I was born in this nursing home, and I'll die in this nursing home! Is there any chance of you changing your mind? Sure. Let's go.

Homer Simpson is the Pie Man? Impossible. He's never thrown away a pastry in his life! His brain isn't large enough to juggle two contrasting personae! Yeah, and Homer's a dumbass. No offense, Homer. You dumbass. I'm telling you I'm the Pie Man. No, you're not. The Pie Man could fly.

Bart, your word is "imply." lmply. l-M-P- Bart said "l am peel" He's made of peel Well, I got my laugh. I'm outta here. I made Bart in my pants.

Shut up, judge!

Perfect as always, sir. Right on the green. Oh, quit cogitating, Steinmetz, and use an open-faced club-- the sand wedge! Mmm.

Come on! Come on! Leave me alone! Ow! Look at me. I'm Angry Dad! Ow! Ow!

It was fun. We'll let you know if your glasses turn up. Uh, yes. Well, I'm sure I left them in the car. No one must know I dropped them in the toilet. Not I, the man who drafted the Paris Peace Accords. - Mm-hmm. Mmm. - Mm. Huh. Mmm. Hmm.

How'd you do it, Homer? I discovered a meal between breakfast and brunch. And now the award for most improved odor-- - Homer Simpson. - Yes! And the person who traveled the least distance to be here-- Well, kiss my grits!

Maybe it was one of the other Barts. There are no other Barts ! Uh-oh.

If you want me, you gotta catch me! Almost. Oh, so close. Bart! Son of a-- Oh, my God!

Oh, help! Ooh! If I could just-- Ooh! This is really not-- Ooh! You're hurting my-- Ooh!

I am not as interested in women as my open shirt might suggest. To be frank, they disgust me. Uh-oh! Yes. Now let us enjoy one of your rambling, disjointed, yet somehow erotic tales. Are you gonna go lavender on me? We shall see, uh?

Try again, if you dare. just a couple of more games...

"Best before November 1959." Damn it, Bob! There were plenty of brand-new bombs. But you had to go for that retro '50s charm. Well, if it isn't my arch nemesis, Bart Simpson,

Since when are public figures fair game for satire? Your goons did run her off the road, sir. I can't be held responsible for what my goons were ordered to do! Perhaps there's a non-violent way to silence this girl? Non-violence never solved anything.

And I owe it all to this feisty feline. Dad, feline means cat. Elephant, honey. It's an elephant. And I'm sure he'll make a grand piano. Dad! Oh. I guess it wouldn't be right to sell Stampy... after he saved my life.

Hmm? Allemande left and do-si-diddley-diddley-do swing your partner to-and-froodilly-fro All rightilly-dightilly. Hey, Flanders. Hidilly-ho, neighboreeno!

I don't know, honey. I guess that's the school's decision to make. Did you ever talk to anyone at the school? Make a few calls on my behalf? Maybe you could have been "nicer" to Principal Skinner, if you know what I mean. Lisa! I am nice. Homer, I really appreciate you making dinner,

What? Too soon? Come on, people. We gotta buckle down here. When we're finished, we can go through Bill Clinton's porno stash. We got redheads!

Good evening. I've been asked to tell you... that the following show is very scary, with stuff that might give your kids nightmares.

Who will win this year's million-dollar game? Who? Who? Honey. The "X" is for "Extreme." There is no XFL this year. The league folded. Who told you? Last year's M.V.P. He sweeps up toenails at the beauty parlor.

To professionalism. Good morning, fellow employee. You'll notice that I am now a model worker. We should continue this conversation later, during a designated break period.

I can't believe we paid to see a band... with Steve Guttenberg, Calista Flockhart, and Farty the Crippled Robot. Look who's in my fart-- O.J. I'm gonna kill you all. Aaah. Aaah. Aaah.

Oh, he was supposed to be throwing out toys, but he seems to be hurling some sort of candy treats, Leeza. Wait a minute, Kent. That is not candy. That's fish guts. There's Santa! Over here, Santa! What did I do?

Swing Serenade is brought to you by Gorman's ear guards.

Yeah! Shazbot. Hey! We stayed for your kids! The dark lord Montymort! Absorber of souls! Sucker of essence! Ah, ah, ah, ah! Hey, hey, hey, hey! - Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh! - Ahh!

Now I got ya! Not the swear jar! It's the only thing holding back the filth!

"I set my rainbow in the cloud. "And it shall be a sign of the covenant between God and man." Thank you. (SPLASHING) (CROWD BOOING)

Wow ! What are you doin' here ?

Homer, it's not that easy. It takes the genius of Carl Reiner and the rhythm and timing that only he and I--

12l I can bench twice as much as when I started. And look at my abs.

Skinner, get off of my school! No. You get off of my school. Homer, Bart's up there! Give me that! Bart, this is your father!

Showtime, children. Let's go. Okay, curtain puller. This is your moment to shine. Oh, it's too important. I'll do it for you.

I'm sorry I ran off. Being second to Maggie's not so bad. But why didn't Maggie press the right button until I told her to? PHILIPPA: I believe I can answer that. How'd you get in here? Your butler let us in. Play along. I'll explain later. I'm afraid your daughter's no longer welcome at our school.

Okay, Milhouse, you know the drill.

Before I give you all a sneak preview of next week's sermon, I have some announcements. We have some new pamphlets available in our church news rack, including Bible Bafflers, Satan's Boners, Good Grief !, More Satan's Boners... and for the teens, it's Not Cool to Fry in Hell.

All right, class, who would like to read "The Daffodils" by Wordsworth? I'll do it. No, thank you, Mr. Wisenheimer. Sherri? "I wandered lonely as a cloud... that floats on high o'er vales and hills"-- Hey, look at those dogs going at it! I wanna see 'em! I wanna see 'em! Fightin' over a fan belt. Dogs are outstanding.

Experts recommend a class nine, or Robin Williams level of hair coverage. Help! Somebody! Let me in, for the love of-- Are you okay?

F... E... E... L... D !

I tried to drink a Coke on the bus, and they took away my pass. That's no life for a famous clown. Well, if it'll make you feel any better, Krusty, you can punch me in the face. Nah, forget it. Go home, kid.

Anybody home ? Hi, Daddy. Welcome back, Dad. How's your mom ?

Their natural mushiness prevents choking and promotes regularity. They're not babies, Lisa. Give 'em something fun-- like cigars or booze. We tried giving them eggnog at Christmas, but it led to widespread "de-shawling." Well, that's what they get for wearing such tight little shawls. Oh! Okay. 4:00. Nap time.

or you can trade it all in for what's in this box. The box. The box!

I have problems with-- I'm always interrupting people.

Uh-oh. A zit. No problemo. The perfect crime. Don't be a baby, lady

Huh? Whee! I must destroy you! Homer, what's going on down there?

D'oh! Stupid roller skate. Well, Dad, here's my report card.

Thank you, General. That's a big relief. The horde is almost dead. There's still some writhing and twitching... but that should stop by morning. - Good news. - Mmm. One handsome hubby is all I need.

We'll be dead in five minutes. Not fast enough! Went my heartstrings From the moment i saw him

Daddy. Homer. Daddy. Da-- Da-- Da-- - Yes? - Domer. Why, you little--

l was asked to take a dive, but I wont do it. l-N-T-R-A-N-S-l-G-A-N-C-EI You fool! ts "E-N-C-EH Oh, my God! You’re right! I spelled it wrong. I tried my best, and I failed. And now you lose everything.

That's not a knife. That's a spoon. All right, all right, you win. I see you've played "Knifey Spoony" before. Hey, give me one of those famous giant beers I've heard so much about. Somethin' wrong, Yank? No. It's pretty big, I guess.

In fact, we almost had a scuffle earlier today at the weigh-in. I understand you have a special motivation going into this bout. Yeah, I wanna dedicate this fight to my manager Vinnie... who got me here and then... passed away just two weeks ago. Any response to that ?

I really think we need to replace the washer and dryer.

Lisa, go to your room.

What's the point of all these precautions? I've already lost the only thing that matters to me. Oh, Lisa, stop pining for your saxophone. I got you another instrument. What, this jug? Hee-hee! Whee! Whoa-ho-ho!

He can't stay mad at you forever. He is your brother. When is he going to act like it?

Good luck tonight, Sis. I'll try not to hurt you. Don't worry. I'm wearing my lucky rabbit's head. Mr. Honey Bunny! You inhuman monster! You want a piece of me?

Like, you know, whatever. Like, you know, whatever. Hey! What's hap-- Okay, okay, okay. Not your fault. It's a bird thing.

This reads like it was written by a dog. Are you crazy? A dog can't type. Unfortunately. Listen, you gotta shape up! Next week is the Taste of Springfield Festival. You'll be reviewing every restaurant in town. Remember, people have certain expectations about the "Life Ways" section.

Bart! Leave some for Rod and Todd. Here you go, lad. Todd, no! Uh, listen, Homer, we'd love to help you,

Oh, nonsense, Krusty. You look at least 10 years younger. Plus, I did your breasts. Does anyone hear me complaining about the breasts? Oh, what's the use in hiding? I gotta go back to Springfield and face the music. Can you loan me bus fare? Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!

I don't think he has diarrhea. But how do we know, Marge? How do we know? I can't believe it. Sarge said we're the worst bunch he's ever seen. - See, I have to believe he's seen worse bunches than us. - But he said--

Wait a minute. Listen, you little yellow-bellied rat jackass. If I ever find out who you are, I'll kill ya !

Look, I bought you a Malibu Stacy chinchilla coat. Huh? You've come to buy my forgiveness. Sorry, Homer. Lisa, honey, I'm sorry but I really had a good time watching football with you and I think you had a good time with me.

Homer, get up! Up! Up! Up!

"Itchy the Lucky Mouse in Manhattan Madness." That's the first Itchy cartoon ever made. And it was made by me, Chester J. Lampwick. Find me a 90-year-old projector and I'll prove it to you.

What kind of legal fees? Well, for a case this complex, I had to assemble a crack team of lawyers. Ronald Chaporo, trial attorney. Albert Dershman, who can hold three billiard balls in his mouth. How much of the hundred thou do I get? Five hundred dollars? Yes, well, uh--

Oh, Homer. How could you think of killing yourself ? We love you. - Yeah, Dad. We love you. - Yeah. Kill myself ? Killing myself is the last thing I'd ever do. Now I have a purpose, a reason to live. I don't care who I have to face. I don't care who I have to fight.

I proudly declare our town... utterly defenseless! If only poor William Bonney were here... to see his dream come true. Oh, but I am! William Bonney? Better known as Billy the Kid.

I'd like to propose a toast to the coming together... of the Simpsons and the Flanders. If this were a more perfect world, we'd all be known as the Flimpsons. So here's to my best friend, Ned.

And always get receipts. Makes you look like a business guy. What the hell is that? That car's as big as all outdoors.

Here comes that vomit again. Eww.

Condoleezza Marie aint too playful tonight.

Yes! Check it out, fat-wad. I'm better than you, and I'm only 10. (ALL CHATTERING) (LAUGHS) Fat-wad, I love it. (PEOPLE TALKING INDISTINCTLY) Easy... Gentle... (THUDDING) (SPLASHING)

I concur! (BOOING) Son, did you ever suspect it was me? Well, you did disappear a lot but I've gone whole summers without seeing you. (LAUGHS) Yeah. I'm pretty unreliable. I like you, Son. I like you, too, Dad.

guyS and dolls we're jusT A bunCh of crazy guys and dolls oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, guys and dolls This is a conceptual nightmare. I mean, Nathan Detroit would never wear this.

Oh, no ! Mr. Burns ! We've got to get a doctor ! Absolutely not ! No quack sawbones is going to apply his leeches to me ! As long as there's an ounce of strength left in me, I--

Faster, higher, better! My bad. Lisa, gym isn't just about encouraging fitness, it's also about exposing weakness!

All right. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Quit your complaining. Do you know what this means? He is alive. Ooh, you're right, Smithers. I guess I owe you a Coke.

"The Bart, The." No one who speaks German can be an evil man. Parole granted.

You... Why, you little... (CHOKING) You need a reason for strangling, do you... I'll fix your wagon...

or "Grimey," as he liked to be called-- taught us that a man can triumph over adversity, and even though Frank's... agonizing struggle through life was tragically cut short, I am sure he's looking down...

"Lachrymose is to dyspeptic as ebullient is to--" Effervescent. All right! Harvard, here I come.

The important thing is that we've pinpointed the precise moment... when you developed your fear of flying. Well, wait. Some other stuff's coming back to me. Open wide. Here comes the airplane.

When the time comes, we won't be in our homes because we're all gonna go here. (CROWD MURMURING) That's Springfield Mesa. It's 15 miles north, past the Warren Harding Memorial Through-hole. Exactly. It came to me in a vision, or maybe it was a drunken haze, or possibly an ice cream headache.

I'll give you diamonds. Everybody wants diamonds. Diamonds will make everything all better. Diamonds! Diamonds!

Eh, children, remain calm. The Falkland Islands have just been invaded. I repeat, the Falklands have just been invaded! The disputed islands lie here, off the coast of Argentina.

Well, maybe a few of them do... back east.

Are you stupider than a monkey? How big of a monkey? Of course you're not. Well, I'm convinced. A professional-looking film like that has gotta be right. I agree. Two area codes is more convenient. I like it! Wait a minute! We haven't heard from me yet, the nut with the dynamite!

Actual institute may not match photo. Marge, I wanna be a monorail conductor. Homer, no. It's my lifelong dream. Your lifelong dream was to run out on the field during a baseball game, and you did it last year, remember? Oh, yeah.

It must be wonderful to ring in the New Year... over and over and over. Please kill me.

So I wanted to kick up my heels and indulge my sweet tooth. I feel like celebrating. Oh, it's you. What are you so happy about? I see. Smithers had thwarted my earlier attempt...

Hi there, neighbors. Uh, I'm George Bush. Former president George Bush? Oh, former president George Bush!

The old fork in the eye. Do you think it might work without the fork in the eye? There's always a first time. This dinner has to go absolutely perfect... if Grimey and me are going to be friends. Lisa, be perfect.

Hey, it's Krusty. I need you to get me out of another jam. I picked up this chick last night. At least I thought she was a chick. Showbiz is so fascinating. Mom, I don't feel so good.

and now it's finally paying off. We're rich! Richer than astronauts! Homer, quiet! You'll queer the deal. Oh. Right. I reluctantly accept your proposal. Well, everyone always does. Buy him out, boys.

(IN SPOOKY TONE) Jasper, your time has come! Where's the regular guy? Where's Doug? Never mind. I'm Death now. (EXCLAIMS IN DISAPPOINTMENT) I liked Doug. (GAGS) "My Dad's Job." "My dad's job takes him to all parts of the community.

- Gold bars discovered by Homer? - Shut up.

You know, Conan, I have a lot to say. I'm not just a one-line wonder. Did you know... that a section of rain forest the size of Kansas is burned every single-- just do the line. I didn't do it.

...18, 19, 20. I found you, Bart! Ralph, we're playing checkers. I don't like you, Boy-Mommy! (GROANS)

by I. Ron Butterfly. IN the gaRden of Eden honey don't you know that I love you

Dad, we didn't come halfway around the world to eat at Americatown. I'd like to see the japanese take on the club sandwich. I bet it's smaller and more efficient. We now return to Battling Seizure Robots.

Dang me, dang me They oughta take a rope and hang me High from the highest tree Woman, would you weep for me

If you need me, I'll be in the refrigerator. Mmm ! Mr. Burns, I've had enough of your... posing. I can finish the portrait myself. Thank goodness. Another day in this suburban nightmare and I would've needed half a Valium. Thank you for your gracious hospitality. See you at the unveiling.

Testing! Testing! Testing. Testing. Testing. Testing. You've really done it this time, Bart!

Did she just tell me to shut up? Take it outside. You'll want a locker in this hallway. It's library-adjacent. Is that perfume? Oh! Don't be such a Phoebe. It's Pretension by Calvin Klein. Wanna try some? Mm-mmm.

There. Right as rain. Homer, it's that evil gypsy's curse. We're all being punished because you trashed her office. Marge, that "curse" is just a lot of silly superstition. Right, Lisa? See? Two means yes.

I spent the next three years in a P.O.W. camp, forced to subsist on a thin stew made of fish, vegetables, prawns, coconut milk and four kinds of rice. I came close to madness trying to find it here in the States, but they just can't get the spices right. Uh, my punishment? Hmm? Oh, I'm gonna have to think about that.

Stop hitting yourself! Tonight on the Discovery Channel, inside Lisa's Nose. What will we find, boogers or Nazi gold? Bart, quit it!

so this is our last chance to bone up. And bone we will.

Oh, but, then, I do enjoy the smell of the stuff, don't I? Better not risk it. Daddy, what do taxes pay for? Why, everything! Policemen, trees, sunshine-- and let's not forget the folks who just don't feel like working, God bless 'em.

But I'm so sweet and tasty. Well, time to go to work. Dad, I wouldn't go outside if I were you.

Help! Police! "To protect and sever"?

What a disgraceful display!

It's time to take action. I'll meet you later, son. I'm gonna get the car washed and try to meet somebody. (STRAINING)

I don't know. Great plan, Bart !

Went my heartstrings From the moment i saw him From the moment i saw him i fell

you caught me in bed with four beautiful women. Let's just say that Bart did it. Oh, doodlebugs. My Ferrari! I had to do awful things to pay for her. Homer, help! Marge! Over here!

Yeah, we know. Hey, Homer! Can I join? This gang's for rebels, Flanders, not "conformos." - Yeah! - Buzz off! Well, if I were a member, we could use my rumpus room as our lair. That guy just don't get it, do he? My rumpus room with the new bumper pool table? Bumper pool? I'm there.

I don't think so either. You're collecting days are over, Collector! Stop right there! I have here the only working phaser ever built. It was fired only once: to keep William Shatner from making another album.

Hey. Wait a minute! There's no such thing as a talkin' dog. Damn straight.

Greetings, good man. Might I trouble you for a drink? Oh, get outta here, Homer. Homer?

Time to destroy your future. Feeling flu-ish, fever, nausea, child germs. No. Must participate in democratic process.

Uh, yeah. I-i couldn't help but notice you picked pretty much all of my flowers. Can't make a float without flowers. Oh, true enough. But, uh, did you have to salt the earth so nothing would ever grow again? Yeah.

Who controls the British crown

I didn't come here to be heckled and spoofed and whatnot. Why did you come here? Seriously though. When I snap my fingers, my friend, you will be a make-out artist! That's a powerful-- Oh! Hey! Whoa! Hold it, 'cause it's different!

Mmm. He was so young.

No giggling! It weakens the haunches! What a little angel. How old are you? Eight. Eight? Too old! Go home, Grandma!

Huh? Fear not, Homer. I am your spirit guide. Hiya.

The whole world wants me to eat meat! I can't fight it anymore!

Homer, that's just to bite on, not to eat. Sorry. Give me one that doesn't taste so good. That was rubber covered in Vaseline! Marge, write that down so we can have it at home.

Why are you laughing? His bungling has shortened your lives and mutated your children! Just look at all of his catastrophic nincompoopery. Poop.

Good morning, dear. What's my name? What color is the sky? What of doughnuts? What? For the love of God, tell me! Homer, the sky is blue. Doughnuts are plentiful. Friday is T.G.I.F night on ABC.

Jiminy Christmas! Darn it!

Mm. Keep up the good work, toots. Chicks on the bench.

But, please, Marge, don't drive into that chasm! Chasm?

Happy birthday, son. Great Caesar's Ghost! A talking Krusty doll! I'm Krusty the Clown, and I love you very much. Oh, Dad, this is the best birthday I've ever had.

Mmm. Oh, General Gao, you were a bloodthirsty fool, but your chicken is delectable.

And it sounds like he's gotten into the horseradish again. And then a knife flew at my head! And you were there, and you were there. Uh, Grampa, maybe I should moisten your washcloth. It's plenty moist! Listen! Monty Burns is trying to kill me, and it's all because--

Did you know every good American is, at heart, an erotic American? It's true. A famous couple-- I don't need to tell you... It was Dwight and Mamie Eisenhower-- offered this advice: "Double your pleasure with a bath... together."

See that? I started to do, like, a little arabesque, but then I just fully went for it and pulled off the demi-entrechat.

Once again, if I'm not mistaken, this can contained tomato paste. Thank you, Nelson. I look forward to seeing it again next week.

Oh, I'm coming with you, Neddie. No, sweetheart. - You... You stay here because-- - Okay.

Hey, it was all a coincidence. Yup! There's your answer, fish bulb. Well, it was a good ride while it lasted. Come on, kids. Let's go home. We are home. That was fast.

That's hideous! Why don't you take a picture? It lasts longer! D'oh!

My hobbies include- f Ned 's Voice f Being quiet during trips... clapping with songs, and diabetes. Sounds like fun. Let's party! w'w' f Eiectronic Music] Hey, your kid is in the movie! And the movie knows his name! Maybe Lisa will like this better than the diary.

and I'm pulling your favorite song out of the jukebox. "It's Raining Men"? Yeah, not no more it ain't. Ow! Ooh! Joke's on them. I'm still alive.

Beekeeping? Boxing? Bocce ball? The world is my oyster, Smithers. Farewell. Lisa, your father needs your help.

Hmm. But enough about Bart. Tell me, Principal Skinner, are you married ? Only to my job.

Son, we are about to break the surly bonds of gravity... and punch the face of God!

you darling, I love you ooh, oh-oh Shh!

Me too. Me too. Ah, the college road trip.

Oh, Bart, I'm so glad you're okay! Oh, son! Taking your tombstone back to the store will be the happiest thing I've ever done. BART: Ay, caramba!

And that's one to grow on. Does that count as community service? No. All right. Take me to the park. We'll pick up some dog poop. Yes, sir! Here you go, you little yellow cracker. Now let's go murder our enemies. Peace. (TIRES SQUEALING)

Wait a minute. You're telling me the police force, the TV news, a courthouse full of people, and a popular entertainer... had nothing better to do than to teach me and Bart a lesson? I know it seems far-fetched, even insulting to your intelligence. But there's a simple and highly satisfying explanation. You see--

If I fail, the best he could do... is judge at a Mr. Tight Buns competition. I can't let that happen. I won't let that happen. And I can't let that happen.

I second that motion... with a vengeance!

But if I died, she'd be completely free-- for man or machine. Machine, eh? Yep. A machine.

Thanks for driving me, big brother. These giant clown mitts are extremely hilarious, but do make it difficult to shift gears. That's the title of Erma Bombeck's latest, isn't it? Number 73. You're next. Make with the laugh-laugh.

Hey, I thought Krusty was jewish. Christmas is a time when people of all religions come together to worship jesus Christ. Boring!

What's a Tim Conway? Oh, about a 120 pounds. It's the Simpson family

It still points, doesn't it? Stop that. And look at this. The only books we have are ones... that were banned by other schools. Well, the kids have to learn about Tek War sooner or later. Go away, Bart. This is not a good time. I saw you two fighting.

Yee-haw! Argh, me mateys. Argh. Whoo! They begged me to join their team-- begged me.

but I think I'll eat this one right there. Why don't you pick one that's a little more frisky, sir. Why ? Well, when you choose one that's floating upside down, it somewhat defeats the purpose of selecting a live lobster.

Ah, New Orleans. The Big Easy. Sweet Lady Gumbo. Old... Swampy. I still don't understand, Clancy. Why give up your job as a small-town police chief... to set up a detective shop in New Orleans? Oh, lots of reasons, I suppose. Got kicked off the force for one thing.

We welcome our savior, Joan of Arc.

Joan, give me your dessert. Yes, sir. Oh. That's going straight to my five thighs.

I thought it was Hawaii. No one said Hawaii. Now let's get stupid with our first contestant,

Que sera, sera Whatever will be will be The future's not ours to see - Que sera, sera-- Run!

Hyah! Faster, you moron. Oh. Well, that was unexpected. What's going on? Where's the mayor? He skipped town.

Lisa, you're so clever. Why isn't Dad interested in anything I do? Do you ever take an interest in anything he does? No... Well, we used to have burping contests but I outgrew it. If you want to get closer to him maybe you should bridge the gap. I do it all the time.

shall be lifted nevermore. Lisa, that wasn't scary, not even for a poem. Well, it was written in 1845. Maybe people were easier to scare back then. Oh, yeah. Like when you look at Friday the 13th, part one.

Oh, that's delicious. Can I have more? Good Lord! We've discovered the ruins of an ancient city. Okay, you do better. I did it! I changed the world.

All for Silas. All for Silas.

On one of my frequent trips to the ground-- I noticed Malloy wore sneakers... for sneaking! My next clue came just yesterday at the museum. We felt slighted by your age bashing and started home.

Wow, Mom. Look at all those customers. Hairnets, everyone. Welcome to Pretzel Wagon. May I take your order? Uh, let's see.

When most people think of nuclear energy,

They know you are talking about them. I'll take it. Who’s up for coconut oil? There's no way all this junk is gonna fit in that car. No, dont worry.

A snake bit me. Back in line, maggot! Our arts and crafts center is, in actuality, a Dickensian workhouse.

Homer, I can honestly say that was the best episode of Impy and Chimpy I've ever seen. Yeah, you should be very proud, Homer. You, uh, got a beautiful home here.

- That's the kind of talk that makes me want to marry you. - Oh! But instead, I'm leaving town forever. - Good-bye. - Mmm.

Arr! Have ye tried a Baltic squid? They can suck the bolts out of a submarine's hull. All right! Fangoria will give me 25 bucks for this shot.

You said if I slept with you, I wouldn't have to touch the drunk. Duff Man says a lot of things. Oh, yeah! Hmph!

(RAVING) Well, I do appreciate that you've got a cashier's check. Now, do you have any pets? (RAVING) (GASPS)

Look ! It's him ! It's Bigfoot ! Get in the car ! - Get him ! Get him ! - Huh ? We got him ! We got Bigfoot ! You are darn lucky we got here in time to rescue you.

Ooh! Mmm, mmm, mmm. Ooh. Hmm. - D'oh! - I heard that! - You know the rule! - Oh!

Bart! Leave some for Rod and Todd. Here you go, lad. Todd, no!

I hope you learned your lesson, Lisa. Never help anyone. Simpson, what are you doing here? Why aren't you at work? I made a bad mistake and Lenny sent me home to think about what I did. But I don't remember what it was, so I'm watching TV. Well, Lenny's reign of terror is over.

(LAUGHING MALICIOUSLY) (BEEPS) (WHITE WEDDING PLAYING) It's a nice day for a white wedding It's a nice day to start again (LAUGHING MISCHIEVOUSLY) (MUSIC STOPS)

I'm sorry, Mrs. Simpson but you can't copyright a drink. Ohh! This goes back to the '78 Frank Wallbanger case. How about that? I looked something up. These books don't just make the office look good. They're filled with useful legal tidbits. Stupid Moe.

goes to church every week, and likes to fix things around the-- Homer, let's make love. Uh, uh, okay. Uh, you're thinking about me, right? Of course, Homie. Aren't you thinking about me? I will now!

I love you, Son.

(GROANING) This is more violent than the hip-hop awards. You've gotta stop your father! Yes, but how? He's 63 years old, pressure points here and here, room temperature is 22 degrees Celsius. Yes, this should just about do it.

Hello, operator. I'd like to make a collect call to... Australia.

Sign of evil number four-- Continuing our sign-of-evil countdown, here's Vanessa Williams.

I believe they prefer to be called "conjoined twins." And hillbillies prefer to be called "sons of the soil," but it ain't gonna happen. Now, normally, the birth of Siamese twins is a joyous occasion, but unfortunately, one of them was... pure evil.

Hey, Homer, looks like our next stop is your hometown, Springfield. Is it true that we have to bring our own water? We got a little rule back home-- If it's brown, drink it down. If it's black, send it back. The hometown show's the big one, Homer. People who called you a weirdo in high school get to see what a successful freak you've become.

So if I play, the guys are gonna kill me. If I don't, I'll be letting Homer down. What am I gonna do? Well, I know you don't want to disappoint Dad, but how do you feel about lying to him? Good. Oh, you guys are so cut.

here are the children of Springfield Elementary... with a song they call "The Children Are Our Future." Children? Children children future future

You too, snitchy. I want you to clean every one of these organ pipes... that you have befouled with your popular music. You shank! How could you tell on me?

Maybe I can catch a late show of Alice in Underpants... or maybe Put Em On the Looking Glass.

Aaah! You're not it!

Oh, my. This is taking a long time. Wow, cool. We should try that at school! Hey, yeah! You could try it on me. Batman got out of it okay. Faith and begorrah, Batman! How did ya ever escape? Fortunately, I always carry my carousel reversal spray.

This is a thousand monkeys working at a thousand typewriters. Soon, they'll have written the greatest novel known to man. Let's see. "It was the best of times, it was the 'blurst' of times"? You stupid monkey!

They're the worst! Yeah! Say it again, girl! Settle down, people. As we speak, Chief Wiggum is tracking down those little squealers... using the latest in crime-fighting technology. Uh, I got nothing. How about you, Frinky? I have captured the signal and am presently triangulating the vectors...

And I'm not out of order. You're out of order! The whole freakin' system is out of order.

yeah, the waiting is the hardest part Come on! Come on!

Oh, no! Oh, hey, look, they're sellin' your car, man.

I have a "to do" pile? Marge, how many kids do we have? Oh, no time to count. I'll just estimate-- uh, nine. Homer, you know we don't have-- Shut up, shut up! If I don't hear you, it's not illegal. Okay, I need some deductions. Deductions-- Oh! Business gifts! Here you go. Keep using nuclear power.

Here you go. Sorry it's not in packages. - Want some cream? - Uh, no.

No! Yo, Andy, no!

We promise we won't kill ya. Speak for yourself. Bart, get down here! I'm gonna spank you back to the Stone Age! You can't make us come down! You adults are always givin' us orders! You kids are always disobeying them. Well, adults treat kids like children! Kids treat adults like cash machines!

The Catholic Church-- we've made a few changes. These Super Bowl commercials are weird. just about ready for the second quarter here in Miami. I tell you, Pat, that wild first quarter blew out my Telestrator.

Oh, God! It's so unnecessary! You have excellent taste. This is our finest talking astrolabe. It also comes with a notepad and pen that works upside-down. I'm upside-down so much! If I buy this, I won't have anything left for a Christmas tree.

Hello, is this NASA? Yes. Good. Listen. I'm sick of your boring space launches. I'm just an ordinary, blue-collar slob, but I know what I likes on TV.

Hmm, so, what's the verdict? Oh, dear God. I can't even put a bag over my head. Yes, you can.

Daddy would like a word with you, Barty. Help! Dad's trying to kill me! It's hammer time, snitchy. That's Snake's voice.

Quit following me, you coward! You heard him, fleabag! Get outta my bar! You're unsanitary. Oh, how precious. The cat's sitting in my dinner. No, no. Don't get up, sweetheart. I'll just pick around you. There we go. Mmm!

I can't eat this. I can't eat a poor little lamb. Lisa, get ahold of yourself. This is "lamb," not "a lamb." What's the difference between this lamb and the one that kissed me? This one spent two hours in the broiler. Bart, sensible bites! All right, Lisa. If you don't want lamb chops, there's lots of other things I can make.

Abe? What the-- Now, here's a piece of bad news. Oh, Abe! You've aged terribly. What do you expect? You left me to raise the boy on my own!

Me too. Let's go home.

All right, everybody, hands up! You, give me the cash drawer. Do what he says. I'm too rich to die. Freeze, bad guy! Vote Quimby! Okay, man. Don't shoot. Chill.

Whoa! Whoa! Ow! Hey, I was watching that. And I was sittin' there. Rex Banner. I'm running this department now. Wiggum, you're out, suspended indefinitely! Huh?

here's A film that Will turn you into A vicious, soulless killer.

with yet another flip remark. Wow. Look at me, er, Mom. I am, er, President Kennedy. Oh, Abe. Maybe our Homer could grow up to be president some day.

No. I think they're protestors. Hey, there are cows on the roof. I thought my pager was busted. Get back in. It's only funny with a small car.

Well, that was a waste of time. Janie, school is never a waste of time.

hello, my honey hello, my ragtime gal send me your kiss... Phone.

Bart you shouldn't be looking through other people's things. Find anything good? I said it before, and I'll say it again. Ay, caramba! Hey, Lis, bang, bang! Aw, Bart... that's a blackhead gun! Eww!

We need to bring tourism back to Springfield. As usual, I will open the floor to all crazy ideas that jump to people's minds. Stronger beer! Gladiator fights! Poetry slam! Giant rats! H... I have a real suggestion. Yarr.

All right, you ragtag bunch of misfits. You hate me, and I hate you even more. But without my beloved ringers you're all I've got. So I want you to remember some inspiring things that someone else may have told you in the course of your lives and go out there and win.

Milhouse! Bury me at Make Out Creek. Oh, Milhouse, this is my fault. I'm so sorry.

I can't get a straight answer out of this crazy hemisphere. Eine Minuten! Eine Minuten! Aah! Das wagenfon ist eine nuisance phone! - Buenos noches, mein FÜhrer. - Ja, ja.

The reception in there sucked. When I was just a little girl I asked my mother What will I be Will I be pretty

I don't like bothering people at home. Good fire. Good fire. Keep burning. Almost there. Just a little more.

They're giving out cookies and business cards. Check it out. I'm a business jerk. (GRUNTING)

you just start crying and pretend you don't. But I don't hate this country. There, there. Save your lies for the American public. I'm Nash Castor and it's time to butt heads! Bart Simpson, what do you hate most about this country? Is it the freedom? Nash, I've realized something.

Please accept these illegal fireworks with my blessing. Yarr! There are no laws! We can do anything we want! Anything! Ow! Ow! Oh, real mature, Lenny!

Ah. Thanks for the donation, Mr. Simpson. Do you feel okay? Jewish? Oh, no. I'm not Jewish. Wait till Moe sees how wasted I got without him. He's gonna plotz.

You have 24 hours to go back and do one good deed. I'm sorry. I didn't get the number of hours or good deeds. Oh, Homie. I still can't believe a piece of broccoli killed you. What the hell was I thinking?

He came in peace, and then died, only to come back to life. And his name was... E.T., the extraterrestrial. I love that little guy.

You really made that envelope? 'Cause it says "Hammermill" over here. Um, no. Shh!

Uh, singles life is great, Homer. I can do whatever I want. Today I drank a beer in the bathroom. The one down the hall? Yeah. And another great thing-- you get your own bed. Uh, I sleep in a racing car. Do you? I sleep in a big bed with my wife.

We're talking about S-E-X in front of the C-H-i-L-D-R-E-N.

Well, at least there's nothing else Burns can do to me. Oh! (GASPS) LISA: No! Way to go, Moon Milhouse!

Well, what do you know? Cats eat flies. Sometimes I wish a cat would eat me. Dude, we're in Flanders's house... unsupervised. Wow. Let's go nuts. Bright, brighter, brightest-- off. Bright, brighter, brightest-- off.

very good for a first try. You know what? I have a ball.

You're a comedy writer? My God, you're so old. I want my check! You're a writer, all right. Here you go, Simpson. I want another one! You're a funny guy. How would you like a staff job? I'll start you at $800 a week. My chest hurts.

I'll never stop fighting for them... or for any other family that needs someone to stand up for them. I like that clown. He's really looking out for me-- the average Joe Six-Tooth. Where'd you get yourself another tooth? Sidewalk.

Grampa! I'm not afraid! Then you’re not paying close enough attention. You? What you been up to? Living in fear? Not anymore.

Uh, miracle boy. I believe I had hair. Oh, here they are. Ah, you two were great tonight. You didn't bite me or anything. Oh, how's that little rattle doing?

You're still in your seat. Well, it's not like I never saw a dog before. That doesn't sound like me. Could it be the drug kicking in? I am feeling an urge to straighten up and fly right. Come on, people. This poetry isn't gonna appreciate itself.

Wow! A '50s nostalgia cafÉ. If you won't dance with the doc

delightful, hysterical, a miracle! The kids'll go cuckoo for these! (CUCKOOS) (CHUCKLES) My name's Goose Gladwell. Of Goose's Gags and Gifts? That's right. I've got 20 stores in 30 states. And I want to sell your shirts in most of them.

Listen to your heart.

Well, I guess that part is loosely based on your father. Maybe you should let Dad read your book before you submit it to publishers. I suppose I better. Your father's a very private person. Marge, we're out of bath towels. (BELL JINGLING) Ooh! Ice-cream truck!

Ah, McBain, so glad you could make it. Have a salmon puff. All right.

(NERVOUS LAUGH) It's showtime! (BOTH GRUNTING) (AUDIENCE APPLAUDING) I give you the great American acrobat, Homer Simpson, to attempt our most popular stunt, Chairman Wow!

...The itchy & scratchy show!

MAN ON TV: Bobby, I got propane in my urethra. ANNOUNCER 2 ON TV: We'll be right back with Who Will Marry a Million Bears!

I don't know. There's something very peculiar about this. Sheesh! You're the most paranoid family I've ever been affiliated with. I'd like a yellow boat, please, with extra motors. Yo, no cuts, bro. Where's my motorboat, pig?

Just wash your hands and get out. Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, who do you find more attractive--

Roll the cartoon. The itchy and scraTchy show Bart! Our cartoon's on TV! All right! Turn up the volume! Erosion is a slow but steady process.

I can't believe I destroyed the Earth. Are you still talking about the Earth? You're right. I gotta let it go. All that counts is we're alive and rubbing elbows with the greats. Ooh! There's Ross Perot. Dr. Laura. Spike Lee.

You got my vote. We're never gonna get out of-- Psst, cleaning lady. Would you let us out of here? Me? I'm Dolly Parton. I didn't ask for your life story. just give me the key. Young man, where I come from, the South, folks say "please." And besides, I gotta go sing a medley with Rob Lowe and Stump.

Well, Bart, I hope you're going straight to the principal about this.

what do you say we go out for a round of frosty chocolate milkshakes ? All righty !

I'm working on a biography of Benjamin Franklin. He's a fascinating man. He discovered electricity and used it to torture small animals and green mountain men. And that key he tied to the end of a kite? It opened the gates of hell! Well, let me know when you get back to horror. Will do.

Aim so low, no one will even care if you succeed. Dinner's in the oven. You want some butter, it's under my face. Marge needs help. And God knows I'm not the man to provide it. But I know who can.

But, I need that kidney now.

Your grave sites will go untended and vandalized. Ha-ha!

Are you watching? (MOANS) When they come busting out, we'll be ready. Every single guard is outside waiting for them. Something don't feel right. Usually when there's a jailbreak, there's electricity in the air, like the calm before a summer storm.

There's Homer. There's Homer too. That's also Homer. That's Homer! Huh? What's the matter, Ned? I-- I think I hate Homer Simpson.

Aw, Dad, you've done a lot of great things, but you're a very old man now, and old people are useless. Aren't they? Aren't they? Huh? Yes, they are! Yes, they are! Stop it! It's a form of abuse! Hmm. Mm-hmm.

And that's the greatest thing ever written. Are you crazy? I can't believe a play where every character is murdered could be so boring. Son, it's not only a great play,

Your behavior is-- It's unconscionable. The Moody Blues! Cold-hearted Homer, ditching his wife, while ancient Ned runs for his life.

Well, we're still poor. But thanks to your father, we'll never go hungry. Speaking of which, how about seconds? Comin' up!

I signed it too. Uh-huh. Well, get a last look at the beautiful ocean scenery, kids.

Hey, quit it, quit it, quit it. Mom!!

Dad, whatever you say, you know you'll always have my love and respect. I never graduated from high school.

Meet the Mummy and the Washington Generals. I cant just sit here watching this junk. That's better. /f you watch closely, you might recognize a young Ra y Romano. w'w' f Whistling "Sweet Georgia Brown ff f Heyl Hey, pass if over!

Who's next? Ralph Wiggum? Whee! I'm a pop sensation. And I'm the mack daddy behind such groups as... New Kids in the Ditch and Boy-nudo.

Stop! Friends, what Homer did was wrong but I've been thinking. Maybe I was just as wrong to give you those gifts. (GROANS) Hey! Wait a minute, everyone! There's your Christmas.

Hey, anybody seen Homer today? - Here. - There he goes. Ow! It's not my rhino! Oh, thank you, God.

It was the most beautiful, most expensive train ever built-- the Spruce Caboose. Some people said it was too big to stay on the tracks. They were right.

Who's gonna clean up all those jets? There goes the clothesline. Well, those ivory-tower eggheads have screwed us again.

Homer, we gotta do something. Today, he's drinking people's blood. Tomorrow, he could be smoking. The only way to get Bart back is to kill the head vampire, Mr. Burns.

Now you want me to take it back. Make up your mind.

DO it ! Princess Kashmir ? You must mean April Flower. She's working over at the Girlesque.

What did you do today, Bart? What didn't I do? "Boy discovers comet." What? "A young Springfieldianite has discovered a new comet... to be known as the Bart Simpson Comet." Oh, honey, I'm so proud of you. But then you've always been proud of me. Yes.

Happy, happy, new year!

Homer, did you go out and buy a 20-pound ham? What's all this? D'oh! "For heroic competence.

Mmm, delicious ! Smithers, every year you outstrip yourself in succulence. Oh, thank you, sir. Oh ! Would you like some candied yams ? Oh, no. I couldn't eat another bite.

Coveralls that don't quite cover all. And a psychotic little boy who will not stop hounding me! This little boy right here! Sometimes I wish this dam would burst... and bury this cursed town.

BART: The red button! ALL: Hit the red button! Hit the red button! HOMER: Hit the red button! (ALL EXCLAIMING) HOMER: Ew! Maggie, press the red button! I know, we'll use reverse psychology. Maggie, don't press the red button.

Stop it. ...for you I been slumpin' all season But now I found a reason I struck on a love that is true

You broke a promise to your child. What? You promised Lisa to help her with her costume. You made her cry. Then I cried. Then Maggie laughed. She's such a little trouper.

Hello? No. Pretzel Wagon's no longer-- 300 pretzels? Wait. Wait, let me get this down.

I've had it up to here with your "rules."

Oh, you're mean.

No, thanks. I'm gonna keep on ridin' the rails... swappin' stories for sponge baths.

All aboard for Miami. I don't know if I can last that long. Super Bowl, please, and step on it.

Homer, would you like to present your rebuttal ? With pleasure. i Ay, caramba !

Either way. The important thing is the system works.

Stop that. I'm gonna kill him. No, I'm killing him first.

Knock it off! I can't hear myself think.

What are you doing with my children? We're taking them where you can't get them! What? No! No! You can't! I won't let you! Mrs. Simpson, restrain yourself, or you'll be arrested.

Come on! - I'm breaking curfew, Mom! - We're out of Skoal! "Due to the likelihood of fear-induced heart attacks,

(GASPS) Meow! Welcome to the family, Snowball III. There's nothing worse than the look on a boy's face when he says,

Look! That's Lisa Leslie. She showed little girls everywhere...

Hmm, hmm, hmm. Uh, there. D'oh! Oh, no. What have I done? What am I doing? What will I do?

Well, Lisa, I finished my rÉsume. Uh, I think it needs a little padding.

Hey, everybody. If you look real close, you can kind of make 'em out. Hey, yeah, yeah. I think I can. I think this is sick. They're staring at a dot.

My family brought me here on Monday, but I broke free and went on a bit of a bender. Wait a minute. If you're Cornelius Talmadge, then who's--

How come Lisa doesn't have to play? Why does she get to hang out with her friends? You got friends. You got the dud right here. Stand up for yourself, Poindexter.

We're a nonprofit organization. So, your bid is zero? Well, we'd like to think of it as-- Thank you. - You know, I really think-- - Thank you.

Ooh! Tango de la Muerte. I've been dying to see that movie. It got rave reviews from both the Entertainment Radio Network... and the Radio Entertainment Network-- let's go. Wait. You gotta use these drops. They prevent your eyes from crusting over.

Homey, we're back.

I'll kill ya! Oh, no. What have I done? Nelson, cover for me.

- Alternate corners. - One at a time! Spin the middle side topwise. Topwise!

First pitch of the game. That's a rotator cuff. His career's over. I'm gonna warm up the car. But there's only been one pitch. And it sucked.

This is a great invention. Watch. We got a great big convoy Rocking through the night We got a great big convoy Ain't she a beautiful sight? Convoy Quit it, Dad!

So, when's Grampa getting here to babysit?

We killed Itchy and Scratchy? Good riddance. Wanna go celebrate? I feel like liver and onions. Mmm.

But first, our second-prize winner... and the recipient of this handsome shoe buffer-- Ned Flanders! Ah! Go, Ned!

I'm going to be a famous jazz musician. I'll be unappreciated in my own country but my gutsy blues stylings will electrify the French. I'll avoid drug abuse but have several torrid love affairs and I may or may not die young. I haven't decided.

Wait a minute now! Guess what. I'm dying- with the basting... and the Butterballing, and the chestnut stuffing in my puplkl Gobble-gobble-gobble! Death.

They'd work much better without the padding, Doc. No, no. That's not true. Ah ! Give me that. See ? Yes, well, that concludes this portion of our treatment.

It's just that some people find your turkey a little dry.

No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No.

Hi, I'm Troy McClure. You might remember me from such telethons as... "Out with Gout '88" and "Let's Save Tony Orlando's House." Folks, do you realize without your support, public television can't afford to bring you such award-winning shows as... Edward the Penitent?

Hey. So whoever it is who wrote that note...

Welcome. I am honored to accept your waste. They're years ahead of us. Mom! Lise! Check it out. Dad's on TV.

Hi, Lise. Want to quiz me on the vowels? I'm ready to chuck the whole alphabet. Huh? Lisa, what are you doing? That's a bad-girl bathroom. Duh!

My ice cream sandwich! Then where the hell's the remote? People keep moving it! Stupid--

Ooh! Can I have a brownie? They're for after dinner.

"to enjoy as you see fit." - Oh, I'm touched. - $106,000 ? Ta-ta, Mr. Simpson. By the way, old-timer. I do wills. Why don't I just give you this pen with my phone number on it ? It looks just like a cigar. Isn't that something ? Hello. Hello, Homer ?

complacent parents. It just reinforces the unspoken class system...

Welcome. I am honored to accept your waste. They're years ahead of us. Mom! Lise! Check it out. Dad's on TV.

You're goofy-looking.

Spell "AC/DC." A-C-D-C. Uh-uh. You forgot the lightning bolt.

Whoo! Sensory deprivation kicks ass!

Ah! Let me in! Someone's trying to kill me! Sweet merciful McGillicutty! You gotta open the door! Who is it? It's Grampa. And it sounds like he's gotten into the horseradish again.

(HUMMING) May I have a word with you? (DOOR CLOSES) (MAN GROANS) Is that green enough for you, sweetie? Because I can make it greener. No, it's fine.

Ix-nay on the ew-jay. Roll the cartoon. It's so sad that Krusty is ashamed of his roots. Marge, it happened again. Ohh. What are you gonna change your name to when you grow up?

Hey, you want to split this? Wow. It's been so long since I've been with someone who doesn't know what a selfish pig I am. Mine. Move your hand. I get this. Hey, my name's Ray. Ray Magini. Ray, you know me better than anyone.

You're four strokes behind, Simpson.

I'm thirsty. Checkmate, Mr. Trampoline.

to Dyan Cannon, Troy McClure and the Muppets... in the 1977 film, The Muppets Go Medieval. Oh, Princess fair, whilst thou grant me thine dainty hoof in marriage? Oh, Sir Liesalot, I will! Mmm. Unhand the swine, you swain.

Get down. Get down.

One, two, three, four-- Six of them! Take him away!

This is not good. Aw, nuts. Huh? What? Oh, already?

(SIGHS) Her fiancee. Is this one of those reality deals where a guy gets a million bucks for marrying Aunt Patty, but they have to honeymoon in a box full of snakes? Son, that's the stupidest idea I ever heard. And I know exactly who would pay top dollar for it. (DIALING)

Are you a Care Bear? I'm an Intensive Care Bear.

See, Maggie? See the fun box? Do do do do do do Do do do do No! My box! My box!

When Radioactive Man got injected with shrinking serum in issue 234, how come his costume shrinks too ? I am sure I don't know, but I did just finish... playing Rum Tum Tugger in the second national touring company of Cats.

Hank... Jones. Homer, you made that up. Question two. "Who is your son's hero?" Steve McQueen. That's your hero. "Name another dad you talk to about parenting." Next. "What are your son's hobbies?"

Let's just say I'm sitting in the right chair.

Oh, my God, there they are! (GRUNTS) Oh! I've lost them! I can't see past all the SUVs!

If you don't think of what it is, we'll lose Marge forever. Eat the pudding. Eat the pudding-- Eat the pudding. Eat the pudding-- Okay, but then we gotta get to work.

Do you know what a boob is? Oh, yeah. Good. That'll save us some time. Okay. Why do you think your mother and I sleep in the same bed? Because we're poor? Exactly. And we're poor because we have kids.

I think some people are going to be upset. I love it, Homer! You've turned this town into a work of art! I just wish jasper johns hadn't stolen my boat. Aah! So long, suckers! Well, they're in the business. Real people might not be so understanding.

Oh, crap! I certainly shouldn't have said it was illegal. It's too hot today. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! I bought this popcorn fair and square.

We can wait. Come to papa.

Lisa, Channel 6 is launching a children's news program, and they've asked me to select an outstanding student to be anchorchild. Oh, my gosh!

Hey, Bart dude. Yo, hairy bro. Hey, Otto man. Go home, boy. Go home.

We had to make an emergency landing. It's that damn chandelier again.

What's that? Yarrr! 'Tis the Who.

It is so hard to choose nominees from all these qualified candidates. This is the most difficult one-day-a-year job in the world! Put in the next tape. I use humor to reach my students. Dead Poets Society has destroyed a generation of educators.

Don't say revenge. Don't say revenge. Uh, revenge?

w-with that foreign exchange student.

Hmm, I guess I've done everything.

Hey, Sara. Well, I gotta go. I have to practice for band auditions. Me too. Hey, what instrument to you play? The sax. Me too. - I'm going for first chair this year. - Me too. Wow! With so much in common, I'm sure we'll be the best of friends.

(SCREECHING) (SCREAMS) (GRUNTS) (GROANING) My heart! It hurts so much!

i thought those only existed in the movies. Boo-yah! Guess who sold the Whitman place? Good for you. Way to go. I had been working on the Whitman place for 21 years. And now, Marge, I'd like to welcome you to the family... with your very own red blazer.

Yo, hobbit. I'm like your roommate. Oh, a smoker, eh? Well, I have ways of dealing with you. Squirt, squirt, squirt. Your lungs will thank me. Kids, you better take your last look at Uncle Artie.

Maybe someday iii turn into a swan.

Mr. Bergstrom ? Mr. Bergstrom ! Hey, hey ! He moved out this morning. He must have a new job. He took his Copernicus costume. Do you know where I can find him ? I think he's taking the next train to Capital City. The train. How like him-- - traditional, yet environmentally sound. - Yes.

I can't take it anymore. Every time I try to relax, she... Ow! My neck. (YELPING) Can't I even finish my milk? (SIGHS)

talk-ing a-bout... Ra-di-o-ac-tive m-an, y'all. Wow! You mean, you were one of the original Little Rascals? Yeah. Which one were you? The ugly one? Were you the ugly one?

Mine. Move your hand. I get this. Hey, my name's Ray. Ray Magini. Ray, you know me better than anyone. How can I get my wife to love me again? Beats me. I'm no marriage counselor.

What's the matter ? I would think you'd be used to failing by now. No, you don't understand. I really tried this time. I really tried. There, there. This is as good as I can do, and I still failed. Well, a 59, it's a high "F."

America was now discovered in 1942 by... "some guy." And our country isn't called America anymore. It's Bonerland. Your attention, please. This is Principal Skinner. Bart, this one's for you. Hello, my baby

Uh-- Uh-- Hmm. Mmm. Fire, fire, fire, fire, fire, fire, fire, fire! Is it supposed to take this long? What's a good time for a mass evacuation of the entire plant?

That was some good corn.

Oh. Oh. Ha, ha. Nobody gets away from Moe. Nobody.

(GIGGLING) At the Dayton Arms Hotel? Yup. It's really boring. You kids would've hated it.

A glove slap to the little ol' face Will get you satisfaction Glove slap, baby A glove slap, baby

His brand of gum, Doublemint. Trying to double your fun, eh, Bart? Well, I'll double your detention. I wish someone was around to hear that. And so we enter endgame.

Oh, Helen, that's enough. Call off your dogs. But someone had to tell her. And I got here first. Helen, zip it. Oh-- Oh, please. Zip. Ziparoo. Tim. Oh. No beer, huh? I guess I know what a promise from Homer J. Simpson is worth.

- Are you sure it's safe? - Absolutely. And this is just the beginning. I've got some big plans.

But that's Barney's seat.

I don't need a coanchor. I'm a straight-A student. Lisa, Bart's got something you can't learn in school-- "zazz." What is "zazz"? "Zing," "zork," "kapowza"-- Call it what you want. In any language it spells mazuma in the bank. "Zork"? What is "zork"? I didn't say "zork"?

Zounds! I did thee mightily smite-ily.

We're big in Bulgaria, and the other Garia. Hungaria? Who's benefited more from the death of communism than us? Maybe the people who live in communist countries. I bet you're right. But we each just bought our own soccer team. How many Hungarios can say that?

Mmm. Well, I still can't let him off the hook. You're gonna work off your debt right here. At the carnival? Cool. Hey, that's not fair. I wanna be a carny too. Can I, mister? Huh? Can I? Please? I don't know. You gonna get drunk and start a lot of trouble?

Okay. Seems to me-- What you oughta do is, um--

And the first step is an eye-catching rÉsume. No, I believe it's pronounced "rÉsume." Actually, both are acceptable. Yeah. I did see some bikers ride by here... with a blue-haired woman about 10 minutes ago. Said they were gonna spend the night at Crystal Lake Campground, Section K, Space 217.

No thanks to the plane, many of us are still alive. We certainly are. Pass me another hunk of copilot. Dad, Mom's getting worse. You have to take her to see a real psychiatrist. Look how tense she is. She's fine.

- Well, how are you feeling this evening? - Uh-- Actually, I'm a little chilly. Can I have another straitjacket? Of course. - Thank you. Dr Foster? - Hmm. At least your memory's not crazy.

Uh, God? Hi. Bill Watson. I, uh, live in the clock building. I have a question. If you're so good, why do you allow bad things to happen? Why am I so fat? Why do bad things happen to good people?

Hey, guys, come on. Shut up.

but we've got to put money away. You can't enjoy money when you're dead, so why not have fun now? Don't you think you've had enough "fun"? Last year, you spent $5,000 on donuts, $2,000 on scalp massages, $500 on body glitter... Hey, I earned that money. While you lounge around here,

and especially carelessness wherever they occur. Look at that man. He has the crowd in the palm of his hand. Ah, haven't seen anything like it since jolson. Who is he ? That's Homer Simpson, sir.

What do you think ? Should we stop here ? Yes ! All righty.

Well, I sure didn't. Who said you did? - Nobody. - Wrong answer! Let's go! Okilly-dokilly. You're pushin' your luck, pal. Ooh! Ooh! Here's my commercial! A monster!

I want my show to have a timeless quality. Here's your hanging chad sketch, Krusty. Oh, good, you worked in Judge Ito. Please put Buck on! He's my hero! Plus, he'll work for scale. Scale minus 10.

Hey, boss, we were just talking about you. You call yourselves bodyguards? You're fired! Fired, huh? Who else you gonna find to take a bullet for you? Or have his genitals hooked up to a car battery? I'll tell you who. Him! Whoo-hoo! Homer, I don't think you were listening to what he just--

down at Springfield stadium. Well, I think we lost 'em. Hey, and we're at the ball park. All right ! Two birds with one stone ! Okay, everybody out !

Okay, here it is. Itchy just stole Scratchy's ice-cream cone-- - Oh, make it a pie. Pies are easier to draw. - Okay, a pie.

Am I glad to see you guys. You gotta call-- Dad? The panda was you?

I held your hair when you barfed in the simulator. Shut up, Commander. Welcome back, children. Weve all had fascinating summers. l was the Maitre cy at the Springfield Country Club. My dad says you were a busboy! You mean your dad, the raging alcoholic?

Hey, come on. Get out there-- Come on, Homer! We're going to Sears to feel the bras! What the heck is that thing? Hmm?

Avalanche. Send help.

Oh, shut up ! Hey, Burns ! Hey, rag arm ! You throw like my sister, man ! Yeah, you throw like me ! Ladies and gentlemen, to honor America, will you please rise for our national anthem, sung tonight by Springfield's rhythm and blues sensation Bleeding Gums Murphy !

Right and wrong But you're, but you're looking good, baby I believe that you're a-feelin' fine Shame about it Born under a bad sign with the blue moon in your eyes Let's sing it now Woke up this morning Got a blue moon Got a blue moon in your eyes

with hidden camera footage from the dressing room at Ann Taylor. That slugfest at the state fair was really a blessing. It gave us a chance to pursue solo projects. I returned to my first love-- the legitimate theater. As a young female artist, I really love living in this East Village loft.

Ah, now I'm getting the hang of this thing. I don't know why I didn't become a trucker before. You're not really a trucker now. Oh, yeah? My left arm says different. Well, according to Red's schedule, we have to make it to Atlanta in three days. Piece of cake. just need a little truck-driving music.

"You have been selected for Operation Exodus." They're evacuating the Earth. We're saved! Thank you, sweet clown. In death, you saved us all.

I'm sorry. But I just want to say... that the past few weeks have been great. Me and you have done stuff together. You've helped me out with things, and we're closer than we've ever been. I love you, Dad.

D'oh! Whoa-oh-oh.

It may sound a little boring at first. Chat away. I'll just amuse myself with some pornographic playing cards. Oh. Well, surely you've all noticed...

I'll teach you to whistle on the Sabbath. They go to pieces over nothing.

Access denied! Oh, fine. I gotta use a fork. Hello, Bart. Sideshow Bob!

Now, how about that game at the Pitch 'n' Putt? just try and stop me. I don't get it, Lise. You said everything would be back to normal. But Homer and Flanders are still friends. Yeah. Maybe this means the end of our wacky adventures.

You are a disappointment to Huh-Oh-Muh-Eh-Er. (SOBBING) (MUTTERING)

Yeah, all right. Listen up, guys. The Springfield Police have told me that 91% of all traffic accidents... are caused by you six guys. I knew we could do it! Yeah, I know. I know. But the bad news is...

Love conquers all! Snake! Bye-bye!

All right, Simpson. You win this round.

Well, I was going to give you the Good Sportsmanship Award, but now I'm just going to be sick. I can't believe those idiot judges were impressed by glowing plastic tubes! Look, Lisa! it glows! Whoo! Let's forget about the band contest... and just have fun at the state fair.

Didn't graduate? How low can you get? Barney, where's your cummerbund?

Oh, ain't that cute?

That's what really happened. Oh.

I don't know, but I know someone who does. Smilin' Joe Fission. Hi, there, energy eaters. I'm Smilin' joe Fission, your atomic tour guide... to the strange and exciting world of nuclear power. And these are rods of uranium 235. Hi, Rod. Hi. Hey. Good to see ya.

That arranged can be. Wha-- Aaah! Yes! Fight and struggle. If I know me, he won't like being kicked in the crotch. - Gott in Himmel! - Oh, Marge.

Mmm. Beer. I've only got five minutes till the music store closes. Go there first. Do I tell you what to do? Sorry, Homer. Tip the glass. Sorry, Homer.

A valet will be around shortly to park your thimble. There is the unpleasant matter of the bill. Get to the point. 1150 bones.

Bingo. The gunman has a name-o. Chief! Chief!

We always do. Okay, here's the plan. You can move in with your sisters and raise the kids, and I'll... die in a gutter. It's practical and within our means. They always told me I was gonna destroy the family, but I never believed it. That's okay, Bart. Nobody really believed it.

Smashy-smashy. I don't approve of that. Hey, mouse. Say "Cheese." With a dry, cool wit like that, I could be an action hero.

Can it be that the champion of child literacy can't even read himself ? Is it a crime to be illiterate ? All right, all right. See this, Krusty ? This is a B. And this is Exhibit B. Betting slips-- obtained by this court indicating you have lost...

Lisa! - Oh! - Marge! Your shoe! The plane tickets!

Way ahead of ya, Marge. Take me to the hotel My hands are on a guy's ass Boy, this dude must work out

These are standard fees, Mr. Simpson. Plus, I'm teaching your daughter riding, grooming and at no extra charge, pronunciation.

Dad! Son! I'm a screwup. I burned down our house. No, I'm a screw-up. I burned down our house.

Hey, hi, fellow Halloweenies. Did I scaredely-dare ya? Dag-- darn it! Nice try, Mr. Flanders, but I've got a story so scary, - you'll wet your pants. - Too late.

I opened for the Who at Woodstock. I came out in a Beatle wig with a ukulele. Hendrix said he almost plotzed. His exact words. Oh, I never tire of that story. Smithers, why did you iron a crease in these dungarees?

Ooh! Good work, Chief. just doing my job. Yes, it seems the chief pulled a Homer Simpson of his own. Whoa! Huh? A pretzel? Wow! Looks like I pulled a Homer.

Must've been a pretty slow century.

Good morning, Mr. Skinner. Morning, boys. Why haven't you introduced me to your students, Spanky ? Well ? Mother, I would like you to meet... Milhouse, Lewis, Richard and Bart Simpson. This is the Bart Simpson you're always talking about ?

How about cooking up some money because this stupid kitchen cost $100,000. (CRYING) I was thinking of chicken wings. Those are good, too.

It sounds like a motorcycle gang. And we don't have backup! We'd better lay low. But Chief, what if they like pizza? Way ahead of you, Lou. That is one bitchin' bike. Daddy said a cuss word! Lighten up, Roddy.

Yeah. Yeah, I remember this mutt. We sold him to some guy wearing a dress. No, I didn't buy your dog. I gotta go keep an eye on Selma. She thinks she swallowed a Band-Aid. Yeah, I bought your mutt, and I ate him!

How about a googly-eyed rock? Some nice local squash candy? A stressed-out Pepsi bottle? Come on. If this stuff is too nice for you, I've got some crap. Oh, oh!

Let's just share your gift, okay ? Huh ? Yeah, that's more like it !

Congratulations, Homer. - Hey, what does this job pay? - Nothin'. D'oh! Unless you're crooked. Whoo-hoo!

NO-o! Wait a minute. Yes. With the sun-blocker in place and the town aghast, I was on top of the world. So I wanted to kick up my heels and indulge my sweet tooth. I feel like celebrating.

Well, you gotta hand it to those dolphins. They just wanted it more. I kinda wish I hadn't freed their leader and, you know-- doomed mankind.

Bartholomew Simpson, I hereby sentence you to five years in juvenile hall! Well, I'm back from vacation. But I was just about to bang my gavel, making the sentence official. Sorry, I've already put my clown down. But I was just going to-- The clown is down.

Then I had the sweet, sweet chocolate mousse. Really, the only word for it is-- Hmm. What's the English equivalent for ? I'd say "transcendent."

We've seen the Crappy Little Elves about 14 billion times. Maybe we can watch some real TV. We're gonna watch the tape. Aw ! That's merely suggested viewing matter, lady. Mom lets us watch whatever we want.

"Out with the old, in with the nucleus."

- It could be a late night. I'm meeting my destiny. - So long.

Sideshow Bob! Hello, Springfield. Sorry to divert your attention from all the big noises and shiny things. But something's been troubling me lately-- television! Wouldn't our lives be so much richer if television were done away with?

LISA: A world without death. (GUNSHOTS) (GROANING) Frankie the Squealer, why won't you die? Ugh! If I knew, I'd tell you, I swear. I'd better call my wife, tell her I'll be late.

How do you plead? M'Lord, we Americans love queens. Be they homecoming or dairy. This woman, however, is an imposter!

Mmm. "squalid hellhole"? "Toilet paper hung in improper overhand fashion"? "Dogs mating on dining room table"?

Well, we used to date. Plus, he threatened me. Well, don't worry about sports. I got that covered. Back off, Bart. This may be the only chance I get... as a second-grader to produce my own TV show, - and I'm not gonna let you screw it up. - Mom. Oh, let your brother do sports. Mom. That "Mom" stuff doesn't work on me.

Why ? It just is, that's why.

Yeah, one: Have you always been a chick? No offense, but you were born a man, weren't you? You can tell me. I'm open-minded. I won't be needing this.

Oh, my God! This is the worst Halloween horror we've ever faced! And white blood cells are attacking my clothes! Although I must admit they know where to stop. We'll have to lighten the ship, which means one of us has to stay behind. Bart? Lisa? Fine. Me.

Hope that wasn't an avalanche. Be a chum and take a look-see. You got it, buddy. Oh.

Well, I don't care. It's my decision. Springfield was shocked today to learn it will host the next Olympics. Economists predict our city will experience the same boom... that Sarajevo enjoyed after the 1984 Games. And it's all because of your letter, Lisa. Well, actually, I just wrote it for a school assignment. Everyone else wrote to the Backstreet Boys.

Let's see if you can catch a rock.

Knock, knock. I'm Marge Simpson, your new cell mate. I'm Phillips. They call me that 'cause I killed my husband with a Phillips head screwdriver.

Ma'am, I will find your husband before that bear kills him. But first, a snack. (FIRES GUN)

Not hit the blades? Bingo. Hmm, that's odd. It didn't come out the rear end. Rod, you've got small, girlish hands. Reach in and fish it out.

I thought we killed him! No, we didn't. But I did delete him from my bulk e-mail list. No, you didn't. That's right. Twice a week, I get your e-mail of the monkey peeing in his own mouth.

Oh, Lord, be honest ! Are we the most pathetic family in the universe or what ? Amen. Worst prayer yet. Doh ! Mmm, why don't I go talk to the children ? Don't worry. Marge'll fix everything.

I just wanted to say... on the advice of my new husband... I've decided to give up smoking... except for after meals and after MacGyver. Selma, dear, you'll bury us all. Chief Wiggum, you've been around. You don't trust Sideshow Bob, do you?

Please don't hurt me. You leave me little recourse.

Smithers, massage my brain. Yes, sir. You, strawberry-- Hit a home run! Okay, Skip. I told him to do that. Brilliant strategy, sir.

It makes no difference which one of us you vote for. Either way, your planet is doomed. Doomed! Well, a refreshingly frank response there from Senator Bob Dole.

Pizza, pizza. Pizza, pizza. Pizza, pizza. Pizza, pizza. Sorry, that button sticks. So why didn't you invite me?

Ruff, ruff. I'm Poochie, the rockin' dog. Hi. I'm Troy McClure. You may remember me from such cartoons as... Christmas Ape and Christmas Ape Goes to Summer Camp.

Tonight on Eye on Springfield, we meet a man who's been hiccupping for 45 years. Kill me. Kill me.

Okay, men. Geiger counters on. Huh ? Ah, I suppose that's normal background radiation, the kind you'd find at any well-maintained nuclear facility... - or, for that matter, playgrounds and hospitals. - Sorry.

We can't afford to shop at any store that has a philosophy. We just need a TV. We're going to go to the outlet mall in Ogdenville.

And what's this? Oh. Someone didn't fill in a circle all the way. Oh!

There's nothing wrong with your television set. Do not attempt to adjust your picture. We are controlling the transmission. What's that, boy? We're in control?

I'm not gonna let a few hoop-jumping tuna-munchers push me around! Uh-oh.

Live from Hawaii's beautiful Molokai Island. We're not just for lepers anymore. It's Carnival of the Stars.

And, uh, Mrs. Spencer, you too. Oh, I knew they wouldn't forget me. Come on, Dad. Let's get out of here. Slow down, boy. What's your hurry ? This place is depressing. Hey, I live here ! Oh, well. I'm sure it's a blast once you get used to it. Let's go.

Oh, why do I even bother?

You got lucky. You see, boy? The real money's in bootlegging, not in your childish vandalism. Oh. So many wasted nights.

Hey, check it out. Wiggum's cruiser. Wow! Tear gas, a riot club, police hat-- With rain baggie! Aw, man, that would really keep your head dry.

What have you got so far? Look at Moe dance. Aloha, Moe That's nice. But maybe your homecoming float should have something to do with college. Yeah, you're right. I think Godzilla's bigger than Superman. It's not to scale.

Aah! "To overcome the spider's curse, simply quote a Bible verse."

Well, surely there's room in this town... for two well-meaning juvenile associations. Yeah, but the Girl Scouts already control the south side. Then I guess this means war. Will you be my mommy?

Don't blame me. I didn't do it. Comedy, thy name is Krusty. Hey, kids, it's time for Itchy and Scratchy !

Her brother had this to say. Lisa is a nut. She has a rubber butt. Every time she turns around, it goes putt putt.

"Every house has a bathroom."

"Pinball Wizard"!

I told you to unplug the phone. But it could be my mother. Howdy-- Shoot! Greetings, friend-- That is it, Ned. If you don't unplug that phone right now, you're sleeping on the lawn. Will you two shut up? People are trying to sleep!

Yes. This is where I come when I need some refuge from the modern world... or when I want to see drive-in movies for free.

Yours! Hey! What's going on over there?

Oh, this is great stuff. I can pad it out to 10 pages. Good night, Grampa. But I'm not tired! Good night, sleepyhead. - Do you have to poop? - Always. "F?" There must be some mistake. It's as long as you asked for.

and your continental breakfast.

Now look what you've done. All right, all right. You guys have had way too much booze. Last call. Come on, come on. Gimme an excuse.

somewhere out there Ronaldo is waiting to be found. There he is. Oh, wait. You said, brown hair, right? Me mind on fire Me soul on fire What a charming neighborhood. Mom, these are slums. The government just painted them bright colors so the tourists wouldn't be offended.

or boring, or stinky. But they can always count on one thing-- their father's unconditional love. Mmm! How about it, Pop? I know it's tough, but can you love me for what I am?

Krusty looks fat. He's really having trouble keeping his balance. He's still funny, but not ha-ha funny. That's not Krusty the Clown! What do you think? I slapped a clown suit on some wino? I mean, I-- Yeah, Bart. I am so Krunchy the Clown!

From the "Z" to the "O" to the double "R"-"O" He's the dude in a mask from the barrio With his horse and his mask and his big ol' sword He'll cut your butt from a '52 Ford

Guess how old I am? Come on. Take a guess. Forty-seven? I hate when they're over. Even on-the-nose hurts! Wow! He's just the kind of weirdo Bart needs. Mr. and Mrs. Simpson, your boy's gonna need one thing. (READING) Don't you mean "tough love"? Tough love.

God has sent this fiery kill rock to show us his love. No! We're gonna die! There's only one man who can save us. Oh, I get it. When I'm crushing and killing you, you don't like me. But when I can save your life, suddenly I'm Mr. Popular.

Bart, you've got to go on. Slag off. You've changed, man. It used to be about the music. I said slag off! Cool!

I admit it. I did screw up.

I wouldn't have thought so either, but here we are. Homer, we need something to protect this family. I couldn't agree more, Marjorie. You deserve peace of mind, and peace of mind is what you shall have. I'd like to buy your deadliest gun, please. Aisle 6, next to the sympathy cards.

I wanted a room with a fireplace... you brainless luggage monkey! Like the one in your brochure! Oh, Selma, dear. I was just chatting with my good friend... Dennis. Now, smile for the camera, that's a good lad.

I knew you'd come crawling back. How much do you want? A million dollars and three Hawaiian islands-- good ones, not the leper ones. Done! Now give me that bear! Whoo-hoo! I'm rich! Rich, I tells ya! Here ya go.

Then it hits me. I've become a clown. A class clown. And it sickens me. Wow. Bart has feelings. Mrs. Doody.

I do not! Haven't you ever listened to yourself on a tape recorder? I prefer to listen to Cheap Trick. Well, here. Say something. Hey, this is Homer Simpson saying howdy... to all the girls out there in radio land. Hey, this is Homer Simpson saying--

Sixty watts? What do you think this is, a tanning salon? I asked for light starch on my nightcap! You call this Postum?

Stay calm, kids. I need you to be my eyes. Okay. Which way should i turn?

Can't you understand, little girl? jebediah was no criminal.

Hello, class! Hi, Bart. Over here, sweetie. It's me, Mom. Hi. Hey! Hello! Well, I'm sure some of you already know me.

What the hell is this? It's a Kisses-Make-Me- Boogie-o'-Lantern. Kiss it and make it boogie. Kiss it. Uh, maybe later. Oh! Oh, yeah! Well, we better start our Love Day cleanup.

All right, just take your seat. just take your seat. Now, working with former Carter administration officials... and military men who were forced into early retirement... for various reasons that we won't go into here, okay, we have planned this defense for the city. As the comet hurdles toward the city, our rocket will intercept it and blow it to smithereens.

Oh, I need some coffee before I black out. Homer, pass me the sugar. This is gonna be great. Oh!

How about this? Billy jean is not my lover She's just a girl who says that I am the one But the kid is not my son Hee-hee-hee.

A lovely promise but one beyond the powers of a mere shampoo. There's something you're not telling me. Perhaps you'd talk to Snappy the alligator? Maybe. Hello, Mr. Burns. Snappy, it's hard to imagine but I was once a barefoot boy with cheek of tan.

Hey, kids, don't forget to watch my 29th anniversary show... featuring clips like this one of Sideshow Mel whacked out on wowee sauce.

Ooh. Oh, no. Oh, Mom, those loggers chopped down the tree. Why did I have to leave my post? Now, honey, let's turn on the news and forget our troubles.

Somebody buy this guy a tree so he'll shut up! Can we let the wanton destruction of our nation's forests continue? No! If a tree falls in the forest, will you make a sound? Yes! To the protest bus! Hey, stop shoving! I'm Max Power!

Oh, yeah. Now I remember you. Have you come up with a name for our new economy model ? You're gonna love this, Chief. The... Persephone. Persephone ? What the hell kind of name is "Persephone ?" She was the Greek goddess of spring and rebirth. Doh ! She was carried off to Hades by the king of the underworld. While there, she ate six pomegranates--

Uh, Homer, my face is up here. I've made my choice.

Pauper's grave.

But in the next scene, the cat was breathing comfortably. Just like in real life. Hey, look over there! I'll have a brain burger with extra pus, please. Bart! Eyeball stew. Homer, we just got here, and already I'm mortified beyond belief by your embarrassing behavior.

where we 're minutes away from the blossoming of the Sumatran Century Fto wer. .. which only occurs once every hundred years. Hey, those are my customers/only friends. Where are they getting their beer? Yeah!

Help! We have to disable its central processor. Come on!

- Hey, Krusty. - How’d you get in here? - The doorman died. - Oh, no! He was my agent! Listen, l have a plan that will make the world fall in love with Krusty the Clown again. ts too late. I’ve given up. The Krusty I know didnt get where he is by giving up.

How's he doing? I think he's grossed out by some seaweed. Ew! I touched it. Over. Get a grip, Simpson. You're doing fine.

Listen here! My name is Homer J. Simpson! You guys think I'm dead, but I'm not.

And now the thrilling conclusion of Colonel Dracula joins the Navy. Uh, Colonel? Hmm? Lisa, what in the heck are you doing? Oh. It's for my junior Achievers Club.

Could you stop thinking about your ass? I try, but I can't. Lavish attention on me and entertain me. Oh, Maggie, you talked!

Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Where did you get that brownie? There's a big pile of 'em. Oh, man. What a nice fellow.

GIRLS: Mmm. (GIGGLING) What? Nothing. (SHERRI GIGGLES) Lisa has a big butt. (CHANTING) Lisa has a big butt. Shut up! I do not!

Please, Dad. This argument humiliates us both. If I said no the first time, what makes you think I'm gonna say yes the second time ? Nothing. But you might say yes the 99th time. Oh ? Try me.

Oh, yeah. I'm a real expert. What is that, a six-barrel Holley carb? You betcha. Edelbrock intakes? Nothin' but. Myohoff lifters? Oh, yeah. I made that last one up. I see.

Dang! I was aimin' for his head. Don't think about beer. Hmm? Alcohol-fueled car? One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me.

Wait a minute. We can just shut off the power! No such luck. It's solar-powered. Solar power. When will people learn?

What are they doing to the church? We're re-branding it. The old church was skewing pious. We prefer a faith-based emporium teeming with impulse-buy items. I feel like I want to throw up. Then my work is done.

He's our husband now.

Why do birds Ugh. GrOSS. Suddenly-- Ahh ! Some people call me a space cowboy - Yeah - Yeah Some call me the gangster of love Some people call me Maurice

Not unless they take a check. We certainly do. Boi-oi-oi-oingggg! Why did you say that? Is your check gonna bounce? No. Of course not. Duh! Why did you say that? Are you implying that I'm dumb?

I'm gonna do something your daddy should've done a long time ago. Now, go home and think about what you've done, young man.

Okay. That's quite enough. It's not funny anymore. D'oh! D'oh! No, no, no! Oh, Homie. Ow. Ooh. Ow. Now do you realize how unsafe the American home is? Baby accidents occur every three minutes.

Clarinet? Oboe? No. - Saxophone? - No. What was that last one? Saxophone. Hmm...

When's the dog going to get his operation? Uh... later. First I want to tell you about the most wonderful place in the world-- doggie heaven. In doggie heaven, there's mountains of bones and you can't turn around without sniffing another dog's butt. All the best dogs are there--

I know these babies have a lifetime contract, but what if I put together an even better act for you-- something sensational? It's not just you prancing around in a monkey suit, is it? Not anymore. You got yourself a deal.

This suit used to belong to Judy Garland. Uh, we could sing a song if you don't mind being Mickey Rooney. You mean that guy on 60 Minutes who yells all the time? Sixty minutes? Oh, my God! Mr. Burns has been in the tub for an hour!

You must blame that little boy. He started it all.

When she sees you'll do anything she says, she's bound to respect you. Sure! What's a big sister for? Oh! I shouldn't have said that!

There once was a man from Nantucket, who--

Dear sister, I have a confession. In the eyes of history, I always thought your music would be judged the best. Really? But now that I'm dying young... I'll be cool forever. (SIGHS) Eat my pantaloons! (REQUIEM PLAYING)

Mmm. Uh, you just cut in line, didn't you? Report to detention, Uter. For how long? Oh, about seven minutes a pound should do it. Okay. I got your German grub right here.

Oh. I could quit now, but then my son will never look up to me. Oh, why was I born a dad?

Um, no. Shh! English - US - Line 21

Beats me. I was bluffing. You win again, Homer. I am thrilled you've decided to let your boy continue here. If you need a hat-check girl, I've got a daughter. Homer, you're a hell of a father. Homer! What did you find out?

There was no wolf. I faked the whole thing. I'm just gonna lie on the floor now. Please don't let me swallow my tongue. There. Doesn't it feel better to tell the truth?

Get him! Moe, I need your advice.

Hey, Mr. S., I didn't know you bungeed. - I want to live! - No, no! You're too heavy!

Well, I'll make these rioters regret their folly. This prison will make Abu Ghraib look like the Four Seasons. Smithers, we'll need electrical wire, a hood and someone who can really point at genitalia. Done and done, sir. (GRUNTS)

Dad! Oh. I guess it wouldn't be right to sell Stampy... after he saved my life. And the boy seems to have some sort of relationship with him. Thanks, Dad. On the other hand, who's to say what's right these days, what with all our modern ideas... and products?

Next, we take some toilet paper,

Oh, for the love of God! Somebody get the jaws of life!

What's happening to me? There's still food, but I don't want to eat it.

Sir! Hello, sir! Yes, you look like a man who needs help satisfying his wife. So-- Ow! I guess people have some sort of moral objection to our sex drug. Let me sell it, you "idjit." Step right up, folks, and witness the magnificent medicinal miracle...

Now! What the--

Crack that whip licorice whip I Said whip it licorice whip

I regret to announce that the evidence we have is... inconclusive. This thing may or may not be human. That's what he thinks. I say it's none other than Bigfoot himself. Oh, no. I disagree. I think it is a man.

So long, Johnny Tremain. Your Newberry Award won't save you now! Not Huck Finn! I spent hours crossing out the sass-back! We're gonna crash!

That is not a worm!

If you are waiting for the Hi and Lois signing, it has been moved to the Springfield Coliseum. Please. You have something of mine on a piece of paper. Oh. So you're Bart Simpson. Since my breakfast burrito is congealing rapidly, I will be blunt.

Fair enough. Hello, beautiful! In your dreams. We'll see about that. Hello, beautiful.

Now remember, as far as anyone knows, we're a nice, normal family.

D'oh! Get me down!

Hey, monkey, you want a peanut? I said one!

No, no, no. I'll come right over. And may God have mercy on us all. Darling, there's an emergency at the hospital. Where are my shoes? Oh, I think they're in the den. In the den? May God have mercy on us all.

Well, my family wants to move back to Springfield. Let 'em go. You'll stay here with me. We'll go bowling. What's bothering 'em? Nothing big. It's just a lot of little things. Well, you can't argue with the little things. It's the little things that make up life.

Uh, Barn, you gotta unwrap the plastic before you smoke these. Yeah, Homer. Way to go, Homer. Homer, you knuckle-beak. I told you a hundred times. You gotta sell your pumpkin futures before Halloween. Before. Let's not panic. I'll make the money back by selling one of my livers.

Oh, no! My favorite outfit! Jimbo, this is by far the worst-- Mmm. Mmm. Uh, jimbo, why don't you... assist Lunch Lady Doris in the kitchen. - Bite me, Skinner. - Well might we.

Marge, TV and nightmares have joined forces to teach me a lesson.

Huh? Well, if it isn't my old friends from Springfield, the Simpsons!

This is really cool. When I hit reverse, I can make 'em go back in. No, children, you're not seeing things. This, my little friends, is a schwa. Aah !

You saved us, Maggie!

Higher! Bye-bye, fishies! Higher! Higher! I'm soaring! Soaring majestically like a candy wrapper caught in an updraft.

the amusement park made entirely of Blocko brand assembly fun blocks. So, how much did you love Blockoland? It was all right, I guess.

The crowd's goin' crazy for that shark! Guys want to be him. Girls think they can change him. Everyone, say hello to our new mascot-- Duff McShark! Duff McShark!

Television? No! Curing heart disease and wiping out world hunger. But, Milhouse, they haven't cured anything. Heart disease and world hunger are still rampant. Those do-gooders are all a bunch of pitiful losers. Every last one of 'em! Want results?

He made it ! Yea ! Bitchin'.

The first is from Time magazine, dated january 8, 1974. "America's Love Affair with the Prom. Even wallflowers can look forward to one date a year--" No, Artie, Artie. The best argument is that I've known and respected you for eight years, and I would be delighted to go to the prom with you.

with the good people at Foot Locker of Beverly Hills. Shoplifting began here in ancient Phoenicia. Thieves would literally lift the corner of a shop... in order to snatch the sweet, sweet olives within. Oh, Sheheqazaramesh, will you ever learn?

SMITHERS: Homer Simpson, report to Mr. Burns' office immediately.

Will you cease that infernal tootling ! I was just practicing.

Finally, Bart's one of us. Excelsior! Oh, Mindy, you came and you gave without flaking

Oh, you're not through, Simpson. We have a high-risk assignment for you. Why do you keep picking on me? Marge's name was on that tax return too.

Whew! Shouldn't you be at work right now? Uh, yes, sir, Mr. Burns, sir. Well, then get back to wherever it is you work, whoever you are.

Hi, Bart. I saw the way they set you up. - That was really unfair. - Ohh! Want to have dinner at my house tonight? Really?

Hey, Moe, look over there. What? What am I lookin' at? I don't see nothin'. I'm gonna stop looking soon.

And now, for an emergency announcement from the mayor. People of Springfield, because of the epidemic, I have canceled my vacation to the Bahamas. I shall not leave the city-- Hey, you, get that steel drum out of the, uh, mayor's office. Sorry, "mon."

I'll show you! Oh, my.

But beware-- we Germans aren't all smiles und sunshine. Ooh, the Germans are mad at me. I'm so scared. Ooh, the Germans! Stop it. Stop that. The Germans are coming after me. Stop the pretending you are scared game. They're so big... Stop it, Mr. Burns.

No, I won't! And frankly, Judge, I think you're a bully! You do, huh? You're so busy thinking up crazy ways to punish people, you can't see how much I love my kids! Um, Your Honor, I'd like to be tried separately. I don't mean to be disrespectful, Judge Harm,

You see, your crazy friend never heard of the food chain. just ask this scientician. Uh-- He'll tell you that in nature one creature invariably eats another to survive.

Except you have no penis. In the traditional sense. So what am I? Some kind of a tin can man from Planet Tomorrow? Sir, your son has brought you into the 21st century. It's a lot like the 20th except everybody's afraid, and the stock market is much lower. Polly don't like that cracker.

Oh, that's sweet. Why would Sideshow Bob go so nuts over a fireplace? Because he wants his honeymoon... to be romantic. Romantic? With Aunt Selma? I guess you're too young to understand. Hmm...

and score with his wife every night. How you doin', kid? Nice to see ya. Now we would like to warn you, our performances tend to make audience members blurt out hidden secrets. Ho, boy. Aha! Methinks the play's the thing... wherein I'll catch the conscience of the king.

So thirsty. Eh, what are you gonna do?

Wha-- A g-g-g-girl! I'm not dead-- And neither is my sense of moral outrage.

Well, we're down to our three finalists: Lisa- Sun Moon- and Alex.

And I don't believe in it. It breaks up families. It turns wives against husbands, children against fathers, neighbors against me. You don't have to pay some fancy psychiatrist... ten bucks an hour to get top-notch therapy. Hello. Radio Psychic. You will die a terrible, terrible death.

Now, before we adjourn, gentlemen, I have one last matter of utmost importance. I need to send this parcel with the profit projections to Pete Porter in Pasadena, and it absolutely, positively has to be there overnight. Pete Porter. Pass it on. Pasadena. Promptly. Package for parcel processing, pronto.

Cienega here tightening the host clamps for you bad girls. We've got Kid Rock coming up for all you mosh monkeys. Whoo! I like music! Yo! Yo! Straight out of Detroit, y'all. It's the j-O-E to the C. Let's rock the party with Kid Rock.

Oh! I can't believe those goons muscled me out of my grease business.

Boy, Moe, you sure look angry. Here. Have some nuts. Hey, thanks. Ow! God! My eye!

Homer, is this some kind of stag party ? No, no, Marge. It's gonna be very classy. A tea-and-crumpets kind of thing. Eugene Fisk. Isn't he your assistant ? No ! My supervisor. Didn't he use to be your assistant ? Hey, What is this, the Spanish Inquisition ? Sorry, Homer.

My name is Helen Lovejoy, and I'll be playing Stella.

(LASER SHOTS FIRED) (GIRLS SCREAMING) What should we click on next? JIMBO: "Boxer shot by wife"? "Beauty pageant diarrhea"? KEARNEY: Here's a new one. "Big-ass Baryshnikov." (CLICKING) (GRUNTING)

Sorry, Mick! Simpson!

I'm afraid I'm not familiar with that term, you adorable little ragamuffin. Hmm. You never heard of recycling? It means to reuse things to conserve our natural resources. Oh, so Mother Nature needs a favor. Well, maybe she should have thought of that... when she was besetting us with droughts and floods and poison monkeys.

Whoo-hoo! I'm a college man! I won't need my high school diploma anymore! I am so smart I am so smart I am so smart I am so smart S-M-R-T I mean, S-M-A-R-R-T

Love ya lots! Good-bye, Lisa. Remember me as I am-- filled with murderous rage! Well, Son, I guess this is the end. But we've both had long, full lives.

Yeah, Shutton here. Now that's a story.

Wow! Paul McCartney! I read about you in history class. But where's your wife, Linda? Right here, Lisa. Whenever we're in Springfield, we like to hang out in Apu's garden in the shade. We met him in India years ago during the Maharishi days. Back then I was known as the fifth Beatle. Sure you were, Apu.

Thank you, Martha Quinn. There you have it. Unrehearsed testimonies from important celebrities. She's one of my favorites. I loved her in the thing I saw her in.

Oh, brother, where art thou ? Take it easy, buddy. They moved across the street. Oh. Sorry.

Just like my hair.

Homer, I thought you were an animal, but your daughter said you were a decent man.

I'd sure hate to be him. And to protect Mother Earth, each copy contains a certain percentage of recycled paper. What percent is that? Zero! Zero's a percent.

I gotta admit, Homer. You're takin' this pretty well. Let's just say I'm sitting in the right chair.

Yeah. Woo-hoo ! Whoo ! The "H" stands for Herbert ! Herb, were you adopted ? Yeah. - From the Shelbyville Orphanage ? - How did you know that ? Because... I'm your baby brother Homer ! Hello ? Hello ? Hello ? Stupid phone !

Gee, a million bucks. That's gonna buy him a lot of, uh, swings in the old battin' cage. Looks like everyone's a winner. Marge gets a great new life-- And you get more sprawl space on the bed. Wait. You really think Marge is gonna fall for this guy?

What? Aaah! The food! Why did this happen? Why? Someone left the freezer door open and the motor burned out. - We can get a new one. - Okay. It was just the shock of seeing all that food on the floor.

anyway you want it Who's playing that music? And where is all that liquor coming from? It's a party, Marge. It doesn't have to make sense. Whoo! Oh, yeah!

Homer no function beer well without. Would you rather have beer or complete and utter contentment? What kind of beer? The Leader knows how miserable you, Marge, Lisa, Bart and Maggie are. Really? I'm surprised about Maggie.

Code blue! A thousand c.c.'s of leg wax! Stat! Lazy, no-good lepers. Making me clean everything myself. Hey, uh, is Homer there? No, he isn't. I don't know where he is.

But first, our second-prize winner... and the recipient of this handsome shoe buffer-- Ned Flanders! Ah! Go, Ned! Oh, it's no fair.

Hmm. Hmm ? Whoops. Third time's the charm.

All right! I got another one. Hey, you didn't see a warthog. I'm looking at one right now. Mom! Bart implied I was a warthog. Nobody's a warthog. What about him? Aaah!

Hey, someone's boarded up our windows. Check this out! What's going on? Cooder! What have you done to our house? It's ours now. Tell us where the extra sheets are and get off our property. They're squatting in our house.

Dad, I know I've been a little hard on you the last couple of days.

Oh, I hope they're goin' somewhere good. Okay, boy, let's strut our stuff. I'm in Rio And I'm walkin' on the beach I'm in my Speedo

I guess it is a little funny. Nonetheless, I will find the culprit. We'll start with-- oh, I don't know-- Bart Simpson! Um, I don't think you want to look in there, sir.

Wait! Wait! Ha-hal They left without you. They left without you too, you idiot. Well, if I'm such an idiot, how come I'm the smartest kid in the third grade? Because youve already done it once! You’ve lost me. Oh, forget it!

that, uh-- that I-- uh-- uh-- all of us-- have, uh-- have learned from him. You know, that is, by being, uh, on television for-- for-- for so many years. Even-- Even though, you know, m-many of us, we-- we didn't-- we didn't watch his show.

Young lady, I like what you're driving. Is that one of them two-level Wander-Kings? This is a house! (GROWLS) (ALL CHUCKLING) Hey, boys, let's play her the RV national anthem. (STARTS ENGINE) (ENGINES REV)

Pardon the grabbing... but I’ve perfected a device that could save us all. A time machine. - We can go back to the past and save our guns. - Gimme!

I gave him a couple of blintzes to paint my fence, but he never did it! Those blintzes were terrible. Paint my fence! Make me. You give me back those blintzes then!

You little S.O.B.! If I ever find out who you are, I'm gonna shove a sausage down your throat...

It's Suds McDuff! With a shuttle craft of genuine draft! Whoo-ha! Ooh! A party. Duff. The official beer of NASA-- National Association of the Sellers of Alcohol. Yay!

It's the miracle we've been waiting for. What are we spending it on? Homer's probably buying some magic beans with it.

Oh, someone is spying on us! No one told me there'd be pulling!

So, have you noticed... how North Edinburgh golfers putt like this, and South Edinburgh golfers putt like this? Eh? Eh?

Oh, God! A bomb! I was just thinking that. Hmm. What happened? Was anyone hurt?

You're right, Marge. I'll do it. But if I die during the operation, will you do one thing for me? Oh, anything, sweetheart. Blow up the hospital. Hmm. Well, I said I'd do it, so I guess I'll have to. That's my girl.

Folks, we just reached our goal of $10,700, and it's all thanks to one generous caller who didn't leave his name. But thanks to Insta-Trace, we've learned it's Homer Simpson of 742 Evergreen Terrace.

I told them it was a benefit. They think they're saving the rain forest! Suckers! Yeah, baby! Michael, are you sure these guys are millionaires? Come on. Would a poor person have a bar in his garage?

Welcome home, Son. I broke two lamps and lost all your mail.

Dad, that's a gag paper we got at the carnival. Oh. No wonder I didn't hear about Bart being elected world's greatest sex machine.

That guy with the knife sure can dance, huh? He looks awfully familiar. I think I saw him in Rent or Stomp or Clomp or some piece of crap. Hey, pal, that's my head shot up there next to the pepper steak,

Okay, Homer, nothin' to be worried about. just-- Wow! I've never seen Dad hit somebody like that before. What are you talking about? - Isn't Dad the one in the black trunks? - No.

If you wish to be our Sitter please be sweet and never bitter helP us with math and book reports might I add eat my shorts - Bart! just cuttin' through the treacle.

Go! Go! Go! Go! Ha! Ha!

Oh, you'll pay. Don't think you won't pay! Guys, believe me. I didn't mean to get you expelled. Don't worry, Mr. Simpson. We can take care of ourselves. Ah, wallet inspector.

Edwina, my slowly opening flower, I'm shipping out in the morning. Won't you make this night memorable? Anything for you, my brave Yank. EDWINA: I say. Ohhh! Nice.

A car hole. You're late, Herman. Surely you don't mind waiting for merchandise of this quality, Mr. Jericho. Huh. Looks like good stuff, but of course, I'll have to sample it first. These are fabulous!

Sorry, Mom, the mob has spoken. MoNorAil monorail monorail Monorail!

No, this is lying: that was a well-plotted piece of non-claptrap...

Smelson. It's funny 'cause you smell. Smelson. I could've thought of that. Sure ya could've. Off ya go now.

Put it away! Put it away! Very well. But there's no escaping the truth. Bart has a classic case of attention deficit disorder. You mean like john Leguizamo? How should I know? The point is, A.D.D. makes children restless and easily distracted. Hi, Marge. It's me-- Homer. What? Time to go? Please, Mr. Simpson.

Why isn't anybody-- Ow! helping?

just a minute! Hello? Your son was trespassing on my property... and destroyed a very valuable stone gargoyle and-- Are you wearing a grocery bag?

Daddy's little angel. Ah!

What are you saying, Homer ? I'm saying-- She's been your wife for ten years. You've had three children together. It's time to be honest with her. I'm not sure I love you anymore. But don't worry. I'll-i'll never let on. I'll still do all the bed stuff. Maybe it won't be so bad.

See, Cousin Merl and me was playing fetch with Geech. That's our old smellhound and-- Geech gone to heaven, Mr. Terwilliger. Oh, Cousin Merl, really! Temper, temper. You know Cousin Merl ain't been quite right lately.

Bart, there are students in this class with a chance to do well. Will you stop bothering them ? He's not bothering me, Mrs. Krabappel. I'm finished. May I go outside and read under a tree ? Certainly, Martin.

All right. We'll give the stupid elephant to the stupid animal refuge.

Gosh, look at me. I'm sweatin' like a pig here. Ah. Ah, man. That's better. All right. Get the scent, boy. Come on. Get the scent. Now kill him! Hey! Ah, my jugular! Ah! Oh! Any questions?

This calls for an aggressive trading strategy.

Now, what's so all-fire great about your fancy-pants Leader? The Leader knows all and sees all. Ooh. Well, that is impressive. And he's going to take us to a wonderful new planet. Oh, this Leader-- He sounds like a grand fella.

Mr. Simpson, this could be responsible for your subnormal intelligence. Hey, I came here to be drugged, electrocuted and probed, not insulted. We could remove the crayon for you. It could vastly increase your brainpower-- or it could possibly kill you. Hmm. Increase my killing power, eh?

Arrest that guy. And that's the end of that chapter.

Owee! Owee! Owee! Ow! Mm-hmm. Young man, this stress fracture... will require you to be in a cast for six weeks. That means I can't possibly race. You're lucky to be alive. Save your palliative cliches for the next poor sap, Doctor. Is it okay to visit?

What will I tell the boss ? Tell him I'm going to the backseat of my car with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes.

Pizza ! Why are we all dressed up ?

Oh, that's okay. I got a wife and kids. Oh, that reminds me. They're probably wondering where I went.

and finally, these seem to be printed on some sort of cracker. Stop eating our tickets! Oh, how could I fall for fake tickets? Gee, the fellas are gonna be crestfallen. Yes, if by "crestfallen" you mean "kill us". Listen, let me talk to them. Maybe I can smooth this over. My friends--

Okay. I'm sorry I spanked your boy, Homer. Whoo-hoo! In your face, Bush.

"Max, what I did, I did because of alcohol and anger." "I'm tired of these jokes about my giant hand. The first such incident occurred in 1956 when"-- Hi, Homer.

We're prepared to offer you $1 million. Sorry, Harv, but like I told you before it ain't for sale. Don't be stupid! We have a lab for this. We've figured it out, except for one ingredient. Brace yourselves, gentlemen.

All right. Think very carefully. Where did you see it last ? The last place I saw it... Uh-huh. was in my hand... Yeah. as I was shoving it... into the mailbox. Doh ! Why did you do that ?

It is a bowl of "shao-dair," sir. Wait a minute. Come here. What did you call it? Say it loud enough so everyone can hear. Come on. Say it. "Show-dair." "Shao-dair"? "Shao-dair"?

Hey, Dad. What do you say we toss the ol' apple around ? Son, I don't know if I can lift my head, let alone a ball. Aw, come on, Dad. Get the lead out.

You must be Ralph. My daddy shoots people.

Oh, Mr. Burns ! Bart, quick, hide the stuff I borrowed from work ! Borrowed ? All right, the stuff I stole from work. Oh, okay. Now ! Come on, take all this, and this. Put it in the closet.

(CROWD CLAMORING)

Prepackaged Star Wars characters, still in their display box? Are those the limited-edition action figures? What's a diorama?

What does freedom mean to me? All right. Root beer, bananas and toilet paper.

Can I go to the bathroom before we leave? We gotta get home. I don't want to miss Inside the Actor's Studio. Tonight it's F. Murray Abraham.

Well, I've only read it in books.

Stupid books. Hey! A cupcake.

Forget it! Sacrificing animals is barbaric. Now have the slaves kill the wounded.

He steps on the clutch and the toilet goes flush... Shut up!

Over my dead body it will! That's exactly the point!

today"! Welcome to Waterville State Penitentiary. The contestants you'll see today are actual prisoners...

Well, if you don't want it, I know someone who does.

Skinned elbows? All right! Time to score some pity! Mommy!

That's the collection money! Oh, yeah. Smells like church. I guess it's obvious what's happened here. Bart Simpson has somehow managed to sneak his bedroom into my house. Well, come on! Use your imaginations!

You did it, Dad! You can't prove I did it. No! You saved our lives. I could do a lot of things if I had some money. What?

- Dad! - Dad! Hey, kids. You haven't seen Maggie around, have you? Hmm-mm. Hmm-mm. Oh... Well, I got to go. Come on, kids. It's time to rub Aunt Patty's feet.

But I thought broccoli was-- Oh, yes. One of the deadliest plants on earth. Why, it tries to warn you itself with its terrible taste. Sure is easy when they're stiff like this. And very sad.

Uh-oh. Sounds like one of the babies has a fever. Dance fever that is. Let's hear it for Dazzle. She's no Liza, but it works. And now the stand-up who can't even sit up,

I can't believe Aunty Gladys is really gone. Her legend will live forever. Yeah. The legend of the dog-faced woman.

There must be $20 worth of grease on his forehead alone. I was thinking more of the deep fryer. All right. We'll try it your way. Can I help you, sir? My God, you're greasy! Mr. Maruko, help!

You're on the right track. Follow the names. How the hell do you know? I can't tell you who I am, but I worked on the campaign. Hey, Mr. Smithers!

That's enough, smart guy. Reach for your license. Slowly. Well, well. Steve Sax, from New York City. I heard some guy got killed in New York and they never solved the case. But you wouldn't know anything about that now, would you, Steve?

Lisa Simpson came by the office today asking questions about her brother's kidnapping. Questions? Yes. As if she were trying to unravel a tapestry of deceit. (CAMERA CLICKING) All right, people. We got a situation here.

ii f Man On Radio f Police are iooking for a bald man in blue pants... and a fair-haired giri in a red iampshade. Blackening our hair was a great idea, Dad. l lookjust like a Powerpuff Girl. l lookjust like Elvis.

There we go. How's that? Oh, it's a little tight.

We spent a lot of money so you get real good, real fast, or pow!

Bigfoot. The legendary half-man half-ape is no longer a legend. He's very, very real. What you're about to see is unedited video footage... taken earlier today in the hills three miles southwest of Tenderfoot Gorge.

and he sold his good name to a quack medicine company. Oh, and later he raised turkeys. That was on his turkey farm. Hmm. Mmm. Mmm.

And the earth was without form--" "Eleazar begat Phinehas, Phinehas begat Abishua and Abishua--" "...begat Ahimaaz, Ahimaaz begat--"

D'oh! Ow! My brain!

I may be the new girl But you can't brainwash me Just OshKosh B'Gosh me And then leave me be To fight for kid power I must be heard not seen

Talking while the TV's on can't be good for you. You should get your eyes checked. I'm taking Bart to the mall to buy camping supplies. Why don't you come along? Nah. I wanna enjoy this show before the network retools it. How can I organize this modeling agency... and still be a good single father? - I love you, Daddy. - AWW!

My rumpus room with the new bumper pool table? Bumper pool? I'm there.

COPS: In Springfield. Bad cops, bad cops Bad cops, bad cops bad cops, bad cops

Aw, man. Red hair? What's she trying to pull? Those shoes look Canadian. She'll never fit in. Oh, it's tough being the new kid. Someone should go talk to her. Yeah. Somebody should.

Homer! Thank you, Mayor Quimby, for honoring us with the school milk concession. Well, the good children of Springfield need their milk, and I need my--

I thought I'd investigate the effects of cigarette smoking on dogs. Bart! Don't give the dog cigarettes. Well, time to go to work. Little do they know, I'm ducking out early... to take the Duff Brewery tour.

Don't worry about nothin', Homer. I have a feeling... that Mr. Burns is gonna have a little accident that might keep him... from bowlin' with us tonight, heh, heh, heh.

What are you looking at, Bart ? Are those naughty dogs back again ? You have 20 minutes, class.

Did you kill my principal? Chinese guy with a moustache? No. My principal. That Skinner guy? No, we didn't kill him. NobodY move! You're all under arrest for the murder of Seymour Skinner. What's a murder? Don't play dumb with me. Cuff them, boys.

and dragging the garbage to the curb? That's so annoying in the morning. Aren't you tired of having to peel that last snotty Kleenex... from the bottom of your wastebasket? I'll say. Well, then-- Can't someone else do it? Yeah!

D'oh! Oh, my God! It's burning up! Beer! Beer! Give me some beer! Homer!

One hot dog, please.

Small investors have been wiped out. I lost all me "screw you" money. I'm very sorry to hear that, Willie. Screw you! Authorities are currently operating under the theory that Ziff is living in a cave somewhere. He's not in here, Chief. That's some good spelunking, Lou.

Who's jeremy Piven? We don't know. But it scared the hell out of us, so we slapped together a cop show instead. Police Cops. Uh, no, actually, it was called Badge Patrol. The network idiots didn't want a show about high-tech badges that shoot laser beams. So we asked ourselves, who's behind the badge? Police.

Beautiful. Just beautiful. This is what "comptrolling" is all about. Oh, yeah. Better. Oh, yes. Anybody got a building permit? 'Cause we nailed it. Way to blow, Lise. That is the best version of "Living in America" I've ever heard. Third best for me. Well, unless there's another band, I think we have a winner.

Oh. Hmm. Oh, honey. Don't eat that. Wouldn't you rather have your sugar bag? No, I don't deserve sugar. I'm halfway to my grave, and I haven't accomplished anything. Oh, I am not looking forward to my funeral.

Mmm. That was pretty fine. See? You do have a tender side. You just needed someone to bring it out.

Hey! That's my helicopter.

Not in my hall, bub. I think you've had enough, sister. Come on, let's keep it moving. Pink belly! Pink belly! Pink belly! Break it up, boys. That belly ain't going to get any pinker. Wedgie!

Now, Son, on your first day of school, I'd like to pass along the words of advice my father gave me. Homer, you're dumb as a mule and twice as ugly. If a strange man offers you a ride, I say take it. Lousy traumatic childhood. Ooh, there's the bus. Good-bye, sweetheart.

This is Kent Brockman... at the scene of a level three rhino alert. Authorities say there's no immediate danger to anyone-- except those three luckless people whom we'll identify... once the rhinos spit out their wallets. Back! Back, I say!

Oh, oh! Here comes a Xylon cruiser! Go into hyperspace! Wait! Where's the hyperspace? Grandpa, you're the spaceship. I thought I was this guy. - Oh! - Oh! Game's over. I got down on the floor for this?! Wait, Dad.

I wonder if I got any powers. Nope. Looks normal. Wait a minute. I can stretch! Look at me! Ow! Hot, hot, hot.

I'm not gonna stand for this. I'm gonna call the newspapers, the TV stations, the gas stations, everybody!

I got him. Tryin' to... turn it off. No. Bear want to live. Uh! Huh! Uh!

Oh, damn F.D.A. Why can't it all be marshmallow? Ew, Bart! Don't put the non-marshmallow pieces back in the box.

I can't get the smell of slurry out of my clothes. Oh, I was a fool to help that horrible old man. I hope you learned your lesson, Lisa. Never help anyone.

We're doomed. Doomed.

English - US - Line 21

(GASPS) Look! The Pacific Ocean! We made it! We discovered the magnificent Pacific Northwest. (THUNDER RUMBLES) I say we give this lovely land a name worthy of its beauty. Eugene, Oregon!

- Oh, hello, Homer. - Barney. Beer, huh? That's right. - Enjoy. - That I will. Then we agree. You keep thinking that. I will. Me toO. Good day then. Good day then is right. - Ta. - Ta-ta. Hey, you did not pay for that beer!

And though they may be ratlike in appearance, they are truly kings among men. - Okay, let's go, fatty. - Yes, sir.

That sounds like a lie.

(BOTH GASP) (ALL CHEERING) The whole town is laughing at me behind my back. (SIGHS) I guess you're the only real friend I have. Are you kidding? Homer's the one what wised us up to the sexy goings-on. Homer, is this true?

Well, I'm not leaving till I get paid. I get 500 just for "Hey, hey!"

Do you know where the remote is? I looked all over the house.

The victor-- Eastern Airlines Cola. And we're not stopping there,

Oh, your "teef" hurt, huh? Your "teef" hurt? Well, that's too freakin' bad! I'll tell you where you can put your freakin' "sodie" too! Oh, my goodness!

Well, hello ! Well, hello, hello. Don't we look handsome. Yes, indeed, we do. Well, come in, young man. Wait a second. If he's your date, who are you ? I'm... a spare. Excuse me.

Homer, where's the dog? I tied him up out back.

That's false advertising! Sorry, sir. No refunds. I paid for a colossal doughnut, and I'm gonna get a colossal doughnut. You don't scare us.

Christmas Ape and Christmas Ape Goes to Summer Camp. You're even better than this guy. Take a hike, you bum. Ruff, ruff. I'm Poochie, the rockin' dog. Now, that's just bad. You got no attitude, you're barely outrageous,

There are only 49 stars on that flag. I'll be deep in the cold, cold ground before I recognize Missouri.

Wow. They had an army helmet under every bed? Uh, Mr. Simpson? That's a chamber pot. You’re supposed to go to the bathroom in it. Befoul an army helmet? You’d like that, wouldnt you, hippie? Behind this door, youll find the one piece of 21st-century technology in the whole house.

Could not believe that.

I said don't pull! Don't! Now we're pulling into port.

Oy. Oh, boy. All right, let's see here. Uh, well, I was born in Indiana. So that ain't it. And, uh-- Hmm. I better call my lifeline.

¡Ay, chihuahua! As you can see, Simpson, I have taken over all 78 channels, and you won't see any of your favorite shows again until you give in! Whoa! That bites. Holy crap! What's that you say? You can live without television... as long as you have beer?

Homer, it's Neddie. I baked you a little something to ease the pain. Oh! Must hide Lisa! Come in.

I don't want you looting. But I was gonna loot you a present. Oh, all right. Oh, thank you, Homie. A Lady Remington.

Some folk'll never eat a skunk but then again Some folk'll Like Cletus the Slack-jawed Yokel

I don't think he's coming back. Tonight on Eyewitness News, a man who's been in a coma for 23 years wakes up. Do Sonny and Cher still have that stupid show?

I thought you said the law was powerless. Yeah, powerless to help you, not punish you. Mmm. Earned my treat.

Oh, Bart! "Dear Lisa, you rock.

(WHISTLES) (MUTTERING INCOHERENTLY)

Oh, I hope I didn't offend you. I need this bad. Bad enough to hit yourself over the head with the phone? Oh! You got it! Ow! Ow! Ooh, blood.

Whoa! My bad. Hey, there they are! Gentlemen, remove your guns from your holsters. Shoulder or ankle? Surprise me.

This prison will make Abu Ghraib look like the Four Seasons. Smithers, we'll need electrical wire, a hood and someone who can really point at genitalia. Done and done, sir. (GRUNTS) Hold on a minute. Governor, I've been using my powers of snitching for evil, but now I want to tattle for good.

Oh, I'll never mock the Coast Guard again. You Navy rejects are all right. Mr. Simpson, give me your license.

Sherri, Terri. The only thing sweeter than you two, are these stolen cookies. Enjoy. (BOTH GIGGLING) Thank you, Nelson. Thank you, Nelson. (SCREAMING) (CHUCKLING) ALL: Sherri smells, Terri smells

At least now I can get some rest. Hidilly-ho, Bart! We come now to the final and most terrifying painting of the evening.

Hmm. Am I wrong, or did it just get fatter in here? Request permission to slink by. Permission pending. First, light our cigarettes. But you're already smoking cig-- You're really pushing it.

If I wasn't married, I'd go out with you like that! I am so sorry. Whatever you do, don't tell Marge. God, I love her! Hey, a penny! So, who are you guys anyhow?

Yeah. We ran out of floorboards there, so we painted the dirt. Pretty clever! Oh, something is definitely wrong with this hallway.

If you like cafeteria workers in Beatle wigs with tennis racket guitars, you won't want to miss the second half!

Cube Country or Squaresville. Squaresville sounds pretty cool. I am a robot. Do what I say. I am a washing machine. Do what I say.

Oh, my God! Look at these ingredients! "Hydrogenated petroleum oil, "monosodium poisonate, partially de-weaponized plutonium"? Attention, duped masses!

Now that we've blown your cover, I guess you gotta come back and do your show again. Or kill us. I won't be coming back, kids. I got a sweet life here. The sea air is clearing my lungs, the sun is toasting my pale skin a healthy brown, and most important, I learned that I don't need money to be happy.

My scalp hurts from horsefly bites. Why don't you freeze it with an ice cube and hit it with a hammer?

Mom, I need a ride to school! We gotta get to the hospital, Homer!

Just do what you usually do... and the killer will reveal himself. Gotcha. f Wind Blo wing f This is a normal day? I just wanted to impress you.

you know, "rock the casbah." Yeah, it seems like the thing to do. So, are you gonna-- Oh. Did you want me to? Oh, no. No, I'm the guy. I'm supposed to-- No, no, no. I have my part in this too. i know, but let me get you started first.

No, sweetheart. - You... You stay here because-- - Okay. I might go mad with fear out there. So, Todd, I want you to shoot Daddy if he tries to get back in. - Okay, Dad. - Okay.

Which came first, turkey the bird or Turkey the you guys? If you don't want to say it, just think it.

He was a zombie?

Oh, I'm so lonely Since my baby left me

Do you find something comical about my appearance... - when I am driving my automobile? - Yeah.

We need more information.

Sounds like someone's angling for a pony of her own. How come Lisa gets a pony? She stopped loving me. So get me a moped. I know you love me, so you don't get squat. Snowball ii, Santa's Little Helper-- This is Princess.

The George Foreman Mail Sorter will let us know.

They always have such nice things. Perhaps we should pay them a visit. A deadly visit? Well, let's play it by ear. Well, you're talking 'bout the China Grove, whoa-oh-oh

You got a point there, Bill. If you and I are gonna whup these one-eyed space fellas, we're gonna have to set aside our differences. Together we can lead America into a new golden age. Friend, you got a deal. Homer, let us out. It's time to tear those aliens a third corn chute. Hmm, hmm, hmm. Uh, there.

(MOANING) Dad, are you okay? Children! Children, what day is this? It's Saturday, December sixth. Thank God. There's still four more days till Christmas. I have time to reform my ways. I just saw the greatest cartoon of all time.

Bart's making faces at me. It's a nervous twitch, and I'm sensitive about it if you don't mind. Mom, he's doing it again! Bart, quit it. Quit it! Hey, quit it, quit it, quit it. Mom!!

This is all my fault, Dad. I didn't want you to get hurt. Now I need to find another little brother. And I need to find another big brother. My car's gonna feel so empty on the ride home. And me, I have no ride at all.

We should get a machine gun. We could hunt game, spell out things or ring in the new year. I really think we need to replace the washer and dryer. How would you like to spend $2,000 to give a broken man a second chance? Nah.

Somebody's gotta stop them! Let's wait until they burn the school down. Oh, my God! Homer, they're right next door. Relax, Marge. If someone tries to get in here, my burglar alarm will let us know. Watch the fish, Marge.

Homer. just keeping you on your toes, babe. Two hundred and thirty nine pounds ! Oh, I'm a blimp. Why are all the good things so tasty ? From now on, exercise every morning. You're not a blimp, Homer.

Bart, the only reason to apologize... is if you look deep down inside yourself and you find a spot, something you wish wasn't there, because you feel bad you hurt your sister's feelings. Leave me alone. just look ! Okay, okay.

Bad dog! Bad cat! Bad fawn. Hmm. Shoo! Shoo! All right!

Oh, no, wait. Please, no. Please. I have a funny story, if you listen. I even wrote theme music. Listen. Hey. Hey. Professor Frink Professor Frink

We all know this is small potatoes. There's a danger in this town that is bigger than all the dips put together. What, Dad ? I'm talking about that. You don't mean you're going to take on your old bosses. Wow. Gee, Dad's a hero.

Isn't this 742 Evergreen Terrace? No, that's next door. Close, but no doughnut, cops. This is Papa Bear. Put out an A.P.B. for a male suspect...

Hey, Cannonball. I like your statement. When life takes a cheap shot at you, you stand your ground. Billy Corgan, Smashing Pumpkins. Homer Simpson, smiling politely. You know, my kids think you're the greatest. And thanks to your gloomy music, they've finally stopped dreaming of a future I can't possibly provide.

Yeah, but white guys, see, they drive a car like this. It's true! It's true! We're so lame. It is time to settle the score. Huh?

but I wanted to spare you the details of your father's gruesome death. Well, I'm glad to know he died a hero-- instead of that other way. I told him his father was killed in the Amazon by a tribe of savage women. I hope it didn't affect you in any way. We'll never know, sir.

I certainly hope someone stabs him in the eye. Oh!

So how you doin'? Stayin' out of trouble? Yes, sir. Number six. Whoo-hoo! D'oh! Now over here I've brewed up my favorite beverage. Beer. It's mostly Dristan and holy water, but it does the job.

Really. Well, I'm from Utica, and I've never heard anyone use the phrase "steamed hams." Oh, not in Utica. No. It's an Albany expression. I see.

What? You don't like my bags?

Ugh! What did I do to deserve this? Help! I fell down the well. Tell us something we don't know.

Don't feel bad, Abe. I'll always think of you as my friend without a car.

What the-- Great Scott! Don't touch that. That's the alpenhorn Helmut Kohl gave me. - Where'd you get those pajamas? - They're presidential pajamas. You have to be president, and you're not president. Yes, I am. D-- No, you're not. Bar!

(ALL CHEERING) Damn, this ride is pimped out.

Let's go. New tires. Come on. Come on. We're goin' as fast as we can, m-- Hey, who are you? Oh, how rude of me. My name is--

Ooh! Pointless nostalgia! I'd sure hate to be him. And to protect Mother Earth, each copy contains a certain percentage of recycled paper. What percent is that? Zero! Zero's a percent.

Now, hold on, Sid. Hold on. May be we should let the kid dig. Could be good publicity. Oh, yes. Yeah, we ought to do that. Okay. You wanna dig? Be my guest.

while shopping For some Cans an old man passed away he floated up toward heaven but got lost along the way

Oh, please. Here's Bart sleeping. Here he is dozing. Here he is after a visit from the sandman. Ooh, here's nappy time, Bart. Here's a cute one. He's all tuckered out.

Well, if it'll make you feel any better, Krusty, you can punch me in the face. Nah, forget it. Go home, kid.

Shh! That's Teddy Roosevelt. All right, Chester! Woo!

Tell you what. To celebrate your first day of genius school, what do you say we go out for a round of frosty chocolate milkshakes ? All righty ! Bart, I feel so bad for going so many years without... mmm, hmm--

The babies look unhappy.

Homer, you should see a doctor. I don't think a healthy man can make that kind of smell. Your paychecks, gentlemen. Whoo-hoo! This is it! With this single glorious check, I'm finally completely out of debt.

Yes! Excellent. Yes! Whoo-hoo! We won! We won!

It sounds like a pretty dumb idea to me. I know it's a little risky and it's going to be a lot of hard work but it's going to be a lot of fun too. Fun? Where is this store, Flanders? The merry old land of Oz? Oh, no. The Springfield Mall.

Oh, my! Okay, the retest says you're clean. Sorry about the mistake. The only thing I'm high on is love-- love for my son and daughters. Yes, a little L.S.D. is all I need. All right. Sounds very good.

Oh, I'd love to. I'm getting so sick of these greasy catered meals. You insult me, you insult Italy! Which is shaped like a boot. Who knew?

Oh, my goodness gracious! No. Get ready for exciting quarter-mile action... at the Springfield Drag Strip! It'll be motorized mayhem! Mayhem! Mayhem! Do we need all those "mayhems"? We do. All right. Fair enough. I suppose you know your business. Get ready for fun! Fun! Fun! Uh, people are already here.

Mmm. Sprinkles!

Three little maids from school are we Pert as a schoolgirl well can be Filled to the brim with girlish glee, three little girls from school Everything is a source of fun

- Ha-ha, you lose! 36 and 239. - Hmm. Hey, Otto-man, I dare you to make this go faster. Ooh! Challenge accepted!

Mr. Mayor, you cant flip-flop on this. We'll miss the meteor shower. I dont know how you keep getting past security. Luigi, I appreciate your courtesy valet service. I made a note on your card in my Rolodex. "Dont whack."

Same old space, huh, Dad? Yep, but they gave me these roller blades... so I can glide to the front door.

And a hot plate! What is it, sweetie?

Help! I can't breathe! Oh! Apu!

Hello ? Is Homer there ? Homer who ? Homer... Sexual.

Come on. Come on. CLANCY: That's where we found your daughter's things. LISA: Huh? You look around there while Eddie, Lou and I go ask a few questions. Like how does a helicopter fly? And what causes thunder? I say it's angels bowling.

But you always looked out for me.

he clEans the world For you Simpson, you idiot! You spent your entire year's budget in a month! Your department's broke!

Oh, everything is perfect. Yeah. Nothing's too good for my little angels. Hup! It's almost showtime. Showtime? All right, people. If you're not in a diaper, get off my stage. Off, off, off, off.

ASHLEY: "The Harpooned Heart by Marge Simpson." Your turn, Mary-Kate. MARY-KATE: "There once was a girl from Nantucket. "Her name was Temperance Barrows. "And her heart was heavy with feeling." Take it, Ashley. ASHLEY: "Temperance was trapped in a loveless marriage."

I can make a bike. I made you. Yeah, great workmanship.

Oh, the glue will slow me down. Any glue leaking? No, that glue ain't going nowhere. Oh, nothing's ever gonna stop me.

Ha-ha! Ha-ha! - Hey, mister. Do you need some help? - Let him go, Ralph. He knows what he's doing.

La-la-la-la la-la-la la-la, la-la la-la, la-la-la La-la, la-la-la la-la, la-la Dad, can we talk to Grampa alone for a minute? All right. But if he starts to wig out, try to lure him into the cellar.

- Speed-Cocker. - Ooh! I like the sound of that.

I shouldn't have shaken hands with those old people. I hope that flu doesn't affect his performance out there. Don't worry. He's taken a million of these capsules.

The other dragons shall hear of this.

Oh-ho. You're gonna regret this.

Give me, uh, 30,000 tickets. That'll be $950,000 please. Look, the thing about that is I only got $10 on me. Can I pay you the rest later? Sure. Ohh.

Catch you on the flip side, "dudemeisters." Not! Hey, kids, always recycle... to the extreme! Busted!

Oh, Homer, don't say that.

I don't know. But whoever's in there is taking their sweet ol' time. - Son, can I have cuts? - No! - Back cuts? - Okay. Sweet. Hey! Wait a minute. If we're all out here, who's in there? (ALL GASP)

Sir, six cinder blocks are missing. There'll be no hospital then. I'll tell the children. This proton accelerator destabilizes the atom...

Good-bye, Shary Bobbins! Thanks for everything. So long, Superman. Do you think we'll ever see her again? I'm sure we will, honey. I'm sure we will.

Cash'll be okay. Or stock! Does your company have stock? Mindy! Mindy and I are just hammering out a payment plan. We'll talk Monday!

HOMER: D'oh! A-ha!

How's the ice cream, kids? BOTH: Great! Who's ready for a kitten?

We've also arrested your older, balder, fatter son. I'm so embarrassed, I wish there was a hole I could just crawl into and die.

J After Homer went gay they patched up their schism J J But the dude never dealt with his alcoholism) J Weird A/ sayingJ J Oh, yeah, the credits go on J

Do you see a light, Homer? Yes. Move into the light, my son.

Network Programming for Dummies. Christianity for Dummies. Mo-- Moby Dick?

Ew. We're gonna do our grocery shopping at a 99-cent store? Well, maybe for your wedding. How about here? Not if we want that vacation.

Homer is a fat load AUDIENCE: Homer is a fat load

Lisa, your mom still loves you. It's just that she has a career now. She's a slot jockey. But if I don't show up in a rubber suit shaped like the state of Florida,

(GASPS) Get rid of Dr. Fuzzenstein? Why, I couldn't dream of thinking about considering. (SIGHS) I'll see what I can do. Very good. Until then, you can wear this. (GRUNTS)

Bart, you were supposed to scour the pans. They need to soak. You said that four days ago. Look! They're rusted through. It's an illusion. No, it's not! I got the groceries. Good.

Come on, kids. Let's try the lights. It's "craptacular."

It's going to be hard to say good-bye to all of you. We've had a lot of fun together. Nelson, Nelson, Nelson. How many kids have you beaten up this year?

Aren't you coming, Ed? I prefer a vehicle that doesn't hurt Mother Earth. It's a go-cart powered by my own sense of self-satisfaction.

What the hell is that?

I love my work.

Extra mustard for Bart's sliced diagonally. Light mayo for Lisa, cut off the crust. Double bologna for Homer... - Mom... - Mom... Can you sign my..? Where's my lucky red cap..? I hate those pimento things...

Homer, is there something you're not telling us? ASTROLABE: It is 6:31 p.m. in Montreal. The moon is waxing tonight. What's that? Uh... Woo-hoo! Maggie's talking! Hmm...

What? I'm not gonna shoot a reindeer in a pen. Come on, Bart. Be a sport and kill Blitzen, okay? Dad! Ah, criminy. Here come the waterworks. Bart, I'm gonna turn my back, and when I turn around, I wanna see a whole pile of dead reindeer!

Ling? Ling? Ling? Ling?

The usual, Moe-- a beer... and a wad of bills! Okay... you lucky moron.

I like holding hands and dinner by candlelight and oh, yes, I really hate yo-yos. Oh, Woodrow! Maybe we should let the dog in.

jeez, Artie, wait. I don't know. I mean, it was a beautiful evening. Let's not ruin it. just this. Oh, Artie, please. Come on. Kiss me. Oh, Artie. Please. Really, I mean it ! Now, stop it ! I'm sorry, Marge. Take me home, Artie.

Bart, what happened? Well, we hit a little snag when the universe sort of collapsed on itself. But Dad seemed cautiously optimistic. Cra-a-a-ap!

Turn it up! Turn it up!

He identifies himself...

This was a wakeup call. From now on, I'll keep my eyes on the road and off my Kool & the Gang air freshener. Celebration's over, boys. (CAT SCREECHING) (THUD) (GASPS) Snowball! (SOBBING)

Tell the truth! Tell the truth! Don't listen to him, Duffman. For once in your life, stand up for the little guy.

Shalom, Springfield! Shalom. I can't schmear you! Shalom! (SINGING GIBBERISH) Now to get you in the Bar Mitzvah mood, put your hands together for the Beach Boys Experience!

Joy to the world the teacher's dead we barbecued her head what happened to her body

That's so unfair! This blows. Skinner's the real Grinch! I'm all for rescuing the kids,

We're gonna make you sing, Bart Simpson. Yeah, Bart Simpson, we're gonna make you sing.

'Tis true. I took many a lump. But 'twas all in good fun. Now, wait a minute!

You're a cinch to be the world's fattest man. No, I'm here for the greatest living actor. I'm here to break a world record.

The world has not seen the likes of this... since the French carried Lucky Lindy off on their shoulders... from Le Bourget Field. And now, to present the trophy... three-time soap box derby champion, Ronnie Beck.

Gotta build fast. Cement drying! All right. Let's see. Ohh, English side ruined! Must use French instructions! "Le grille"? What the hell is that? Oh! Come here-- Get-- Uh!

Oh, what's the big deal? Bart didn't like his presents. So what? It's not like he gives us such great gifts. Remember that maple leaf ironed between the sheets of wax paper? What was that? That was crap. Aw, It's not just the presents. The kids don't appreciate me anymore. They'd rather hang out with their friends than with their mom.

Fire, fire, fire, fire, fire, fire, fire, fire!

Three, two-- That's Homer Simpson's computer. Oh, God! It's spreading!

Are you the Beer Baron? Well, if you're talking about root beer, I plead guilt-diddily-ilty as char-diddily-arged. He's not the Baron. But he sounds drunk. Take him in. Are you the Beer Baron? Yes, but only by night. By day, I'm a mild-mannered reporter for a major metropolitan newspaper. Don't crack wise with me, tubby.

Now don't you fellas worry. This'll all be over soon. And-- What the-- We gotta get rid of that window.

Not anymore! All thanks to the new juice Loosener.

- Krusty, are you making any money? - Nah. That guy's giving it away for free. The old gray mare she ain't what she used to be

Oh, dear. Some thoughtless human being is parked in the hospital zone. And I think to myself what A wonderful world

Well, I never thought the two of you would be in the same room actually. Uh, this is a little embarrassing. Good-bye now. That was weird. Let's burn her! Yeah! Burn her! Burn her! Burn her!

So, you kids really love the Leader, huh? Even more than your parents? Yeah. No contest. Of course. Absolutely. All right already. But do you love the Leader... more than having your very own brand-new hover bikes?

Prepare for the end! The end of high prices! What?

T... V? You don't have TV?

me, Kent Brockman. Can we get a shot of me? There you go. In other news, uh... a tragic mix-up today in Cleveland. Many people killed. Uh... good-bye!

You know what's great about you English? Octopussy. Man, I must have seen that movie... twice. Yes. Yes. That's not too bad.

We got more gongs than the break-dancing robot that caught on fire.

I have to work for money.

Oh, got it ! Now what ? Open the can. No problemo. Where's the can opener ? It's in the second drawer from the right. No, no, no, no. The other one. Oh, I gotcha. It's broken, Mom. Mom, it's broken.

I'll survive this.

No! Son, for the last time, you're staying at military school. And so am I. This school has everything I ever wanted. Lisa, no! This place is just a jail for children. No jail can hold me.

That ad makes me look like a criminal! Then why did you appear in it? That wasn't me! Maybe she was you and you're not! How many kids do we have? Three. Wrong, lady! Oh, wait. The baby.

You just made a very big mistake. You'll spend the rest of your life in pri-- My asthma's gone! Listen to me breathe. From that moment on, my life as I knew it was over. Only one member of the Springfield Seven was identified.

Air. I need air. Oh, Apu. Oh, Lord, my ears are filled with nougat! Oh, dear! Oh, no. There's a nut in my eye.

Ah, geez. Right in the eyes. Chief Wiggum! Who's there? How do you-- How do you know my name? It's us, the Simpsons. Oh. I saw your car by the gate, and I--

I saw you two fighting. I'm worried there could be a strike, and the school would shut down.

Who died and made you boss? Mr. Estes, the publications adviser. I edited the whole thing. If you hadn't done it, some other loser would have, so quit milking it.

Later sex. Bless the grocer for this wonderful meat, the middleman who jacked up the price. and let's not forget the humane but determined boys over at the slaughterhouse. Hiya, Flanders. Ooh, dinner. May I join you?

We both like plain vanilla with nothin' on it. Actually, all the toppings were gone. Ants are crawling in my mouth, and I don't care. So, uh, where's your band? They switched from Christian music to regular pop. All you do is change "Jesus" to "baby." Oh, how horrible.

Now you, paint ! Mmm ! Honey, I'm home ! There's an original sentiment. Take it outside, Simpson. I'm male modeling. I'm painting his portrait, Homey. Oh, isn't that wonderful ! My work and my home life come together in such a nice way.

Bart, what are you doing? Hey, what the-- Hmm. All right. A lot of people think our dad's behavior has screwed us up-- and it has.

I am Death. Death? We don't want any.

Oh! I thought the Generals were due! He's spinning the ball on his finger! just take it! Take the ball!

Why don't you just chase the beavers away? Unfortunately, the beaver is also our god. In retrospect, it was a poor choice. You people are guests in our country,

I feel like I'm coming apart here. I want to yell out, but I just can't... dang-diddily-do-dang, do-dang-diddily-darn do it! I-i-i--

And I'd do it again. But I do miss the Royal Crown Cola. Ah, yes. The Kwik-E-Mart. I havent ben here since I robbed it dressed as Krusty. My one successful crime. You were quite the gentleman. Today’s robbers, they are all smash and grab.

We've gotta get to the hospital, Homer!

Anyway, it all started when I was-- You go, Homer. Whoosh! Ow! Jetson!

Let's go. Oh! Those last three avalanches were your fault, Simpson.

Absolutely. Must have been hard debugging all those computers, huh, Homer?

This is Kent Brockman with a special live report... from the headquarters of Krusty opponent, John Armstrong. How can I prove we're live?

- Give it up, Homer. It's locked up tight. - Locked, eh ? Well, I just might have a little surprise up my sleeve...

Okay. The rocket's ready to go.

but it feels so right. And so, as, uh, heavyweight champion, recognized by nine of the 14 sanctioning bodies, I sincerely urge you all to stay in school. Uh, thank you.

Scott, things aren't as happy as they used to be down here at the unemployment office. Joblessness is no longer just for philosophy majors. Useful people are starting to feel the pinch.

Well, that's obvious. He doesn't even know. - (GRUNTS) - (GROANS) Come on. You tell him right now.

The father of the family has worked all day... to find this food for his children. Unable to fend for themselves, the baby bald eaglets... are dependent on their mother regurgitating the food which she has found.

Hey, Ray. Cleaning out the old office, eh? If I hadn't already packed my letter opener, I'd give you such a stabbing. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Whoa, Ray. Are we gonna let politics get in the way of our friendship?

I came to stop you from murdering Lisa, like you murdered your wife. Murdered? Oh-oh-oh-ho-ho. Murdered? Oh, no. I've just been in the country for a week. But I distinctly heard you say that Maude was with God. Oh, that's right. I was at Bible camp. I was learning how to be more judgmental.

Anyway, we'd like to thank You for the occasional moments... of peace and love our family's experienced. Well, not today. You saw what happened !

Hey, Barney, will you give me 250 bucks for this blimp ticket? Sure! Where'd you get all the money? From some scientist. Since they stopped testing on animals,

No! I'm engaged now! My ring! Let go of her, or I'll scream! Callooh! Callay! We're in luck! They had a magnum at the shoe counter. Now for-- Gloria?

The Flaming Homer? You mean the Flaming Moe and your dad didn't invent it, you wuss. Moe the bartender did. Everyone knows that. It's not true. My father invented it. Allow me to demonstrate. Are those liquor bottles? I brought plenty.

I'll keep this short. Gladys lived alone, died alone. I guess you could say she was a role model for Selma and me.

Okay, you asked for it, Boggs. Uh!

O-O-O-okay. I think I'm gonna be leaving now.

Agent Wesson, Department of Labor. This man's an illegal alien. That's preposterous. Zutroy here is as American as apple pie. Mr. Burns. This plant violates every labor law in the book. We found a missing Brazilian soccer team working in your reactor core.

And finally, Itchy and Scratchy, the "Little Barbershop of Horrors" episode. Cross my fingers for me. That's gonna hurt come winter.

Why don't you win the lottery too? Where everybody wins! Actual odds of winning: one in 380 million. The lottery-- exploiter of the poor and ignorant. You know, I heard the jackpot's up to $130 million.

Time to put this ordeal behind me. Homer mad! Aah! Aah!

It all began about two years ago before Maggie was even born. Bart, you were Lisa's age. And, Lisa, you were the age Bart was several years ago. Get the camera ready. Bart very sleepy. Listen carefully and my words will shape images as clear as any TV show. It was a tumultuous time for our nation.

Okay, that should do it, Moe. Hey, it don't hurt no more. Huh! Now I can focus on my crippling emotional pain. Oh, Daddy, Daddy, why? Why won't you hug me? You hugged the mailman! Excuse me, sir. Is this El Clínico Magnifico? Ah, you saw our bus ad.

Oh. I never thought I'd have to do this again. Reverend Lovejoy! You've gotta help me. My entire family has been taken in by the evil Movementarians. Oh, I feel for you, my child, and I'd like to help you.

Shh. Some people are trying to watch the movie. You don't like it, call a cop.

It's called the Raven. - "Once upon a midnight dreary--" - While I pondered, weak and weary, over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore,

Eight, nine, ten !

Who could ever have imagined that Simpson's sweeping reforms...

Is he indicating a bunt? Yes, he's bunting! Good hustle, kid! now it doesn't work So who won? The losers? No, they lost. Losers. But only by two points.

Surrender all identification. Ohh! My homemade Kahlua! Generation X may be shallow, but at least they have tolerance and respect for all people. Hey! A freak show!

The Catholic Church-- we've made a few changes.

Hey, the dummy can't hurt you. He's not even alive. He's dead!

Knockin' dirt from my spikes And pointed right towards center field This time I'm hittin' a home run This time love is for real Hey, Dad, can I do a hambone solo? Stop it. ...for you I been slumpin' all season

Come on, Mom. Let's go. Mom? Are you okay? ts all my fault my wife got mugged. There you have it, boys. Case closed. Look. This really made me feel vulnerable.

Oh, Homer... Homer! We're all in shock. I thought he'd tWo-time you for a while first. This taco is full of hair. Uh-huh.

If you ask me, this is gonna be one hell of a match. Oh, look at that show-off, kissing his own muscles. Boo ! Boo ! Rasputin is spinning the professor like an auto gyro. That's got to be disorienting. Hey, Milhouse, crank it up.

I should box your ears, you-you-you Sneaky Pete ! Easy, tiger. Hey, you easy ! Now, get off my property ! Hey, Flanders, who put that bug up your butt ? Ohh. I wanted to subscribe to that new Arts and Crafts Channel. Well, sir, they send over this flimflam man to install it. And do you know what he did ?

(GASPS) My hive! My trademark hive! Hop in, boy. We'll show your mother our God kicks her God's butt. Back off, you servants of the Holy See! (GUNS COCKING)

Scaredy got scared! Well, you'd be scared too if you saw a monster. Nuh-uh. Uh-huh. - Unlikely. - Likely. Knock it off. We gotta find a way to light a fire. No problem. We can use scaredy's glasses. Hey. What's he doin'?

I'm just trying to party with you guys. Homer, first of all, it's "par-tay," and second, we wouldn't "par-tay" with you... if you were the last dad on Earth.

This is really cool. When I hit reverse, I can make 'em go back in.

No more slacking off at work. And most important, no more booze. I know I can do it. "Your son has been kidnapped."

We would have gotten more if Lisa walked faster. I didn't select this costume for mobility. I wore it to salute the noble Native Americans of the Pacific Northwest. Yaahh! Ha-ha-ha!

We need some more secret sauce! Put this mayonnaise in the sun. Hey! Now that Old Man Peterson's off our backs, let's have some fun!

No one usually shows up unless there's a vote. Well, then why are you here? I steal stuff when everyone's gone.

(UKULELE MUSIC PLAYING) That's why I don't listen to my brain. And away we go!

And besides, if it's secret, it's even more exciting.

Well, I'll be damned. I'm afraid so, yes.

It's high time people realized we conservatives aren't all johnny-hatemongers... and Charlie-Bible-thumps or even, God forbid, George Bushes.

Springfield has come down with a fever, football fever,

You got the dud! Hey, he looks just like you, Poindexter! How come Lisa doesn't have to play? Why does she get to hang out with her friends?

Oh. Well, Ralph seems happy enough.

Oh. I think it's lovely that he said that-- and that you believed him. Now, Helen, let us not glory in Homer's binge drinking. There but for the grace of God goes Marge herself.

How about asking the community for donations? I'm not very good at begging people for stuff. I am. I'd be glad to spearhead the entire begging initiative. - Oh, thanks, Homer. - No problem. I'll need a sack and something sharp. Well, I guess I could donate these costumes.

Dennis the Menace? Yes. I was America's bad boy. I once hid my dad's hat!

- If I ever stop loving violence, I want you to shoot me. - Will do. Tonight: A stowaway bear is terrorizing space shuttle astronauts. But first a sneak peak at tomorrow's Itchy and Scratchy parade. Hello, everybody. I'm here live on Main Street...

Martin denied it and so was ruled to have supplied it."

With rum-running hoodlums in the catbird seat, Springfield sent for the one man who could clean up the town and shoot the gangsters-- Rex Banner.

and save yourself from the torment of your own personal hell! Ahh! I smelled some marijuana smoke in Vietnam! I was the one that canceled Star Trek! I left my Porsche keys inside Mrs. Glick.

Hands up, scuzbag! No, not you. The smoking scuzbag. Oh, chill out, dude. I'll pay the fine.

I'm sure we can work this out. He's just a child. Let me talk to him. I'll give you a moment. That'll give us time to prepare for the splatter. Bart, I'm sorry, but there's nothing we can do. Your lizards are banned by federal law.

Looks like you guys are on the mend. Yeah, 'cause we're through with vegetables. From now on, I'm only eating food that I know had a soul. KRUSTY: (ON TV) Hey, hey, kids! Do you have what it takes to be a singing sensation? A dynamite voice? Ruthless, pushy parents?

There's hot lava under the ground!

Yeah, did you notice how the people weren't shoving or knocking each other down? I've never been to a place like that before. Ow! Me neither.

Ooh, here comes a car. Yarr, ya scurvy dogs! Worst parents ever! Ha-ha! Hey! No extension cords!

Ha, ha! April Fools'.

Aw, geez. This place used to be crawlin' with Russian subs. Now there's just four. Sea hag! Bart Simpson! Bart, are you crazy? You've got to get the old folks home to the old folks' home.

I'm sorry, but we're not supposed to put butter on the Milk Duds. You're not supposed to go to the bathroom without washing your hands either. TouchÉ. To the top, please. Swim, my pretties.

Well, we think you'd be the perfect spokesman... for our company's new sports utility vehicle, the Canyonero. I guess you Wall Street weasels didn't get the word. Krusty's not for sale. But you endorse everything. In fact, this endorsement contract... comes from your line of legal forms. It's a quality form. But those days are behind me. I don't shill for nobody no more.

Look what you've done. You wanted to be popular. Now you're the most hated boy in town. You're not really talking to me. You're just my overactive imagination. Oh, i am, am I ? Shut up. I wanted them to like me.

Now over to Arnie Pie with "Arnie in the Sky." Route 401 is going around and around... and around and around and around. And look out at the corner of 12th and Main because I'm gonna be sick. Whoop. Okay, Mr. Sun, gimme what you got.

But if you laugh at what I say next, I will die, for I am about to say something very serious, perhaps shocking. Marge, my darling, I want you to meet with me again, That doesn't shock me. away from prying eyes,

You wet your pants! Shut up! It's a serious problem!

See what happens when you skip rehearsal.

Oops. (SNORING)

The polite thing to do would've been to clean the shells first. Shoo! Shoo! I guess I should give this back to you. I showed it to your friends again before we left. - Bart! - Look inside.

It's high time you protected yourself with supplemental disability insurance. At my age? Can I qualify? You'd be surprised. If you're a non-smoker, it can cost just a few dollars a month.

Ralph, are you eating your paste? No, Miss Hoover. Good. Now sprinkle your sparkles on your paste. Lisa, you're not sprinkling your sparkles. Shove it. I have never seen a good student take such a slide.

And Krusty. We gotta invite Krusty. I keep telling you, off camera he's a desperately unhappy man. But if we remind Apu and Manjula of why they fell in love, maybe they can work out their problems. Yeah! 'Cause if they don't--

Oh, okay. Well, uh-- I'll see ya.

Wow! Look at this place. The house number is spelled out with letters. Get used to it, honey. From now on we'll be spelling everything with letters.

Well, okay. There you go !

Spare change? Mom, there's a weird smell and a lot of cursing... coming from the basement, and Dad's upstairs. Oh, it's just Bart and a mysterious stranger.

D'oh! Okay, man, here's the sugar. Now you give us the money. That wasn't part of the deal. He's right. Who wrote this thing?

Hmm? (PSYCHADELIC MUSIC PLAYING) Cool, but I'll never pass with this.

Lisa, don't hold anything back. You can tell me. Are you crying because you called Daddy a baboon ? No ! Nuts. Doh ! This isn't going well at all. Look. If you just want me to forgive you-- No, no. I just wish I knew what to say.

Oh, which I intentionally put in there for you.

(GRUNTS) Here's the scoop, your haagen days are over. I'm baskin' in your pain, as I'm robbin' you of life. (SLURPING) TAB: Bart!

Go banana! just hang tight, kids. I'll swim for help.

Oh, it's Mr. Burns. Kill it! Kill it!

Let's go home and go to sleep. Good one, Eddie. Ha, ha. Great joke, guys.

Oh, we'll be the laughingstock of the whole town. Well, at least we won the bike. Actually, I took the picture, so I gave my prize to the orphanage. What? How could you? just kidding. I would never do that.

Okay. Now we know you're allergic to cauliflower. But I made a special platter of vegetables that are good for you. It graffiti you can eatie. You get better, son.

Well? What do you think? This is a joke, right? I mean, this is the stupidest thing I've ever read. What's wrong with it? Well, you keep using words like "pasghetti" and "momatoes."

Hello, Bart! He's just shy because I've tried to kill him so many times. Ah. I really must thank you for this moment of tranquillity, Edna. You know, I haven't been on a date in six years. Oh, the pleasure's mine, Bob. It's so exciting to be dating a killer.

Ehh, I could pull a better cartoon out of my a-- Hey! Whoa! Wasn't that great, kids?

So, you like doughnuts, eh? - Uh-huh. - Well, have all the doughnuts in the world!

Think he's gonna do something dangerous? How should I know? Just keep loading missiles. Pop music's hard work.

Come on, Bart! He tripped my boy! I demand vengeance! I want vengeance! jimbo jones called for tripping. The penalty shot will be taken by Bart Simpson.

Hello, ticket holders! Oh, here comes that cannonball guy. He's cool. Are you being sarcastic, dude? I don't even know anymore.

But I'm up $200,000. Give me my money! Think I won't manhandle a little boy? You don't understand. It's not real money. None of these people have won any money. What?

Can we get a shot of me? There you go. In other news, uh...

let's not get the law involved. One hand washes the other. Ooh, that reminds me. These gloves came free with my toilet brush.

You know, we've had a great time on this show riffing on small, unimportant subjects. Now wait a minute. Dirty words you can spell on your calculator is a very important subject. "Boobs." (LAUGHS) Just like what girls got.

to bring you a very special presentation. Tonight's program is entitled-- We Know All Your Secrets. Boring! Go back to that "infamy" guy.

A weema-way A weema-way A weema-way A weema-way, A weem-- Don't do that.

It's Bart's moon party from outer space With R2-D2 playing the bass

Dad, I want to go to bed. Aren't there child labor laws? Who told you about those laws? Was it Marge? Hey, you've been riding me all day. Why don't you poop in your hat?

Ooh, trouble in the neighborhood. Let's check it out. I'm his neighbor. What did he do ? Well, sir, we-- Well, sir, we've been on the trail... of a spy transmitting highly confidential information... to an unfriendly nation. Ooh ! Mm-hmm. Through the use of radio triangulation, - we tracked him to exactly this point. - Wow.

Eh, what can I say? I love love.

You little S.O.B.! If I ever find out who you are, I'm gonna shove a sausage down your throat... and stick starving dogs in your butt! My name is jimbo jones, and I live at 1094 Evergreen Terrace. Aha! Big mistake, pal! Ho-ho! I knew he'd slip up sooner or later.

That's okay. The box is empty. If that's what they cut out, what they leave in... must be pure gold! Let's watch some more of those fabulous Simpsons outtakes. Apu living with the Simpsons? It happened. And here's a scene you didn't see.

It's full of what?

He looks crazy. Agreed. Reading his essay would only waste valuable seconds. Finally, the great taste of Worcestershire Sauce...

Cyohl w'w'f Get Smart Theme]

Worked like a charm.

Every note is a dagger in my heart. I got to get out of here. Moe's Tavern home of the Super Sunday Brunch Spectacular. Ohh! Baloney. Bread! Got you down for 40 bucks. Good luck, Your Eminence.

"Shiner Be Gone." Tura-lura-lura Tura-lura-li...

I'm sorry. I didn't get the number of hours or good deeds.

And how's my little major leaguer? Catch any june bugs today? Me and Milhouse took some mail from a mail truck and threw it down the sewer. Son, I know you meant well, but that wasn't the right thing to do. What the hell are you talkin' about? You're the one who double-dared us. Why, you little--- Ooh. Homer!

Stop! Doesn't the Bible say, "judge not lest ye be judged"? The Bible says a lot of things. Shove her!

Ooh, a dancing Jesus. If there's a better use for the Internet, I haven't found it. If you've committed a crime and you want to confess, click "yes." Otherwise click "No."

not gonna teach forever Gonna give showbiz A try Try I didn't think it was physically possible, but this both sucks and blows. That'S famE

Aurora borealis at this time of year... at this time of day in this part of the country... localized entirely within your kitchen? Yes. May I see it? No. Seymour! The house is on fire! No, Mother. It's just the northern lights.

Did you hear that, kids? Brown.

I'm so drunk I can barely see But it helps me get through another day My stomach is filled with haggis and hurt I've got to go puke in some hay

I'm afraid that's insufficient. Officer, arrest the baby. Yeah, right, Pops. No jury in the world's gonna convict a baby. Hmm, maybe Texas. Besides, she didn't mean it. It was an accident.

Well, don't you see, jessica? Then you really haven't learned-- Um, would you finish scrubbing these steps for me? Will I? Hey, jessica! Coming!

Something something then you'll see you'll avoid catastrophe

My daughter has something to tell you about jebediah Springfield. Aw, the little cutie wants to do somethin' cute. Shut up, ya bums! Shut up! Go ahead, angel. jebediah Springfield was nothing more... than an evil bloodthirsty pirate who hated this town.

You broke in! We're big fans, Mr. Gladwell. Yeah. Nothing makes parents happier than when an eccentric single man takes an interest in their child. Bart, that's your share of the T-shirt profits so far. ALL: Ooh. Look at all that cash!

old Starsky and Hutches." Accepting the award is the son of the guy who played Huggy Bear. Let's walk and talk. I have some wonderful stories about other famous people that include me in some way.

So, you like doughnuts, eh? - Uh-huh. - Well, have all the doughnuts in the world!

Oh, don't worry. You'll be sleeping in this beautiful new doghouse. Target date: January 2007.

jesus? Yeah, that sounds right. I think we're on the outs with him. But I know someone who's even holier than jesus. Hi-diddly-ho. I-- Oh! Maude, come quick! The Simpsons are covered with cooties!

Don't you remember, Dad? He framed Krusty, he tried to kill Aunt Selma, he rigged an election-- And he tried to murder me! Oh, yeah.

I don't think it had broken axles before. Before! Before! You're livin' in the past, Marge. Quit livin' in the past. That's funny. I used to be able to go down there. Going bowling. Not back, avenge deaths.

Milhouse jumped off a cliff? I'm there. Get back here, boy. You're a disgrace to this family, and its proud naval tradition. Well, I'm keeping this earring, and you can't stop me! Oh. I always thought Lisa would be the one to get her ears pierced. Can I? No! Time to reap the benefits of bein' cool.

Mom! Dad! Don't turn on the light! Don't turn on the light! There's a U.F.O. outside my window-- seriously. Oh, Bart. It's just an old golf umbrella stuck in a tree.

Sir! i say, sir! - The time has come! - No! Oh, no.

There's a new judge in town... with a hard-nosed approach to juvenile crime: punish the parents. Yeah! It's about time! Oh. Kids are running wild, Kent. And I blame Mr. and Mrs. Neverspank. Uh-oh. We'll-- We'll have to bleep their names.

Mm-hmm. I'm working on that. Ned, no!

Are you Ken Griffey jr.? No. Didn't mean to get your hopes up. Oh...

C-Can I sleep in there with you guys tonight? No. Can I sit on the roof with a baseball bat, in case a U.F.O. does come? Yes, yes, yes. That's fine. Good. Good. I hope you kept the Homie fires burning. - Homer! Homer, wake up! - Huh? What?

Hmm? Pressure dropping, humidity rising over 80%, increasing wind? Here we are. Chapter 2. "So your pressure is dropping."

Call Mr. Plow that's my name that name again is Mr. Plow

(SPEAKING ALBANIAN)

Did you know this tree dates back to frontier times? Shut up! It all began... when jebediah Springfield first came to these lands... with his partner, Shelbyville Manhattan.

Ooh, I eat like a slob, but nobody minds.

(GIGGLING) Stop it, you big kidder. (CHUCKLING) Yes, "Kidder." Would you like to get some coffee? And a family bucket of chicken.

Bart! How many times have I told you not to bite your sist-- Wait a minute! You are a vampire!

My God! That's monstrous.

Marge, I thought you'd never take me back after what I did to Krusty. You mean get beaten up by him? Exactly. And I'll admit, it is kind of romantic under the sea. You don't know the half of it. (CHUCKLES)

Okay, boy. I want you to keep this exercise thing under your hat.

Behind these doors, a federal judge will ladle out steaming bowls... of rich, creamy justice in a case the media have dubbed... "Beat-up Waiter." This reporter suggested "Waitergate," but was shouted down at the press club. Now, it's illegal to televise court proceedings in this state, so we'll have to be quiet.

Yeah, if you wanna change your image, you gotta get your face out there. ew. On the radio. That's it! The radio. I'll go on the most popular program of the day. I assume that's still Don McNeill and his Breakfast Club. Oh, get with the times, man. It's jerry Rude and the Bathroom Bunch.

"jack and jill went up the hill and-- Jill came tumbling after." The end. Good night. Is that the same jack from "jack and the Beanstalk"? You know, Son, I believe it is. And jack Sprat? - Is that him too? - Sure. Why not? Good night.

- The Juice is still on the loose. - (SCREAMS) Mr. Mayor, just how many illegitimate children are you hiding? Kent, I'm hiding nothing. Except this puppy. ALL: Aw. Look into his eyes and tell me I'm lying. Well, I'm placated.

Well, if it'll help. Uh, Mom found out her engagement ring is made of rock candy. Good work, honey. Keep it coming. Well, I'm flunking math, and the other day I was a little attracted to Milhouse.

That's it... Come closer.

There's a good chance you can beat Tatum. But you gotta visualize how you're gonna win, okay? Gotcha.

I tried! Oh, Lord, how I did try. Knock it off! I can't hear myself think. I want some peanuts. That's better. How come you never play your guitar anymore? I'll tell you the truth.

Weren't you a little hard on him?

I'm sure you can get another pillow. I could send it back to Taiwan for repair, but why should I have to? I've done nothing wrong. And I don't give permission for my face to be on TV. I want it blurred. So, Mom, what are you gonna do with your day off?

Well, she may be helping my career, but she's starting to cramp my style. Oh, who cares? The offers are rolling in. Paramount wants you for a buddy comedy with Rob Lowe and Hugh Grant. Those sick freaks? Okay. Then get this. I think they want you to play McBain's sidekick in-- brace yourself--

I'm so hungry. I want more. You heard the principal. Everyone gets one apple and a handful of relish! If you don't eat your relish, you're not getting any mayonnaise.

Huh? Yea. Hey. That seltzer ain't free. Krusty! That's me.

Listen, Homer, I dont know who your killer is... but I do know he'll strike again. Your only hope is to stay completely out of sight. Very well. I am gone!

I'm just saying I can get along in life without a "toothbrush." Namaste. And a-ooga-booga to you too. May I tell you about our white-light specials?

Ooh! Please be a melon baller. Please be a melon baller. This is your video confessional. You come in here to express your deepest feelings and darkest secrets. My hair isnt really blue.

Adios viejo Oh, olÉ. Yeah! Okay, okay, I believe you're innocent. Gee, I hope all of the suspects are this much fun. Hmm.

is I destroyed that car for all the right reasons. I'd like to believe you-- That's my girl. You just go home... and don't worry your pretty blue head about it. Moe will take care of everything. Well, in the meantime, here's a carton of smokes you can use to buy stuff. Aw, thanks, boy.

you'd have disciplined that boy a long time ago. You want to step back, sir? You're trampling the flowers. Ooh! Hiding behind your goons, eh, Bush? Whoa! Well, you are a wimp! Wimp, am I?

Hymns here! I got hymns here! Get 'em while they're holy! Fresh from God's brain to your mouth! And now please rise for our opening hymn,

at least according to Newsweek. "Wel-diddly-elcome, Simpsons." Oh, geez! He actually wrote "diddly." That was thoughtful.

Look, I clipped your obituary.

I can't believe it. I've done all my housework, and it's only 9:30. Well, better go upstairs and make sure the beds are still made.

Good night, Homie. Good night, honey.

Ha! It's like punting on the Thames. Stroke. Stroke.

But Homer Simpson will find the real thing... both delicious and deadly. Ah, yes! Death by chocolate.

Voy a matar a usted. Wha? That's Spanish for "I am going to kill you." Say what? I do believe it's time... for your beloved MacGyver. Oh, hey, you're right.

Championship? Hmm. Whoo! 'Topes rule! Well, here's a die-hard fan.

The credits really have to go this long? Oh, shush yourself.

Never says a word. Hey, Chief. Hello. It's about time somebody reach out to me. Gee, I got to call my family.

(GROANING) Frankie the Squealer, why won't you die? Ugh! If I knew, I'd tell you, I swear. I'd better call my wife, tell her I'll be late. (SIGHING) If I knew this would take so long, I would've put on a TV. Pizza!

See? Hmm. Homer, I thought you were an animal, but your daughter said you were a decent man. I guess she was right. You're both right. In our mad pursuit of a scoop,

So, he thinks he can out-skateboard me, huh? Launch me, boys!

(SCREAMING) Oh...

Oh, no. It's happening. Uh-oh.

Excellent. Next. Exc-ell-ent. Next. Exactly. D'oh! - Next! - ¡Excellente! Es muy bueno. Oh, it's hopeless. I'll have to play myself.

Actually, that was Pontiac, Michigan. Thirty-eight pins going into the eighth. That's right. Well, he's stepping up now. He needs to get at least a spare. Shh !

so it doesn't get trashed. How'd you like to be night watchman? But I'm sleepy. Oh, no problemo. Here's a nickel for the coffee machine.

Bart, it's time to end this dream And don't forget the standard scream

Now, a brilliant jazz musician who's inspired me to do some improv poetry. Twinkle, twinkle, groovy cat. How I wonder where you at. I really love the way you cook. just like me when I wrote this book.

and swift hand. Oh, there's Mother now-- watching me. What's that, Mother? They have a right to be here. It's school business. I-- Mother, that sailor suit doesn't fit anymore! I think we should go. Uh-huh.

I'm terribly sorry. Flanders is the only useless person here. If anyone dies, it should be him. I'm sorry. Please forgive me. So let's kick Flanders out! Sorry. Well, sir, sounds fair. Toodle-oo, everybody. I'll-- I'll scream when the comet gets here.

Hello, Number Five. How's every little thing? Who are you, and why are you holding me here? I want answers now or I want them eventually! Fair enough. I'll level with you. Ow. Please, don't do that. Sorry. I'll be blunt.

But I told you. I don't know how that scrunchie got in my hair. Sorry, guys. But you two have put me off dating for at least four years. I think I'll just buckle down and coproduce my dad's movies. Need a unit production manager? It's too late, Bart. Well, I guess we're single again.

I call him Gamblor! And it's time to snatch your mother from his neon claws! Marge! Where are you? Damn this casino!

Sir, this is Veteran's Day. It can be two things. Mom, instead of milk, can I have a virgin Moe? Honey, what's wrong?

Eat! Eat! You're nothing but skin and bones. Ah-choo! How are you feeling, sweetie? Much better. Ah-choo! Oh, my. You're burning up.

Well, I could've been equipment manager, but no!

Ha-ha! Damn! Dang! Darn! A principal's ransom in stolen goods! Well, sir, who's "ha-ha"-ing now, hmm?

I think they're in love. Aww! Aww! So that's what's been wrong with the little fella. He misses casual sex.

Aunt Hortense ! Great-grandpa Simpson ! - Please hold on to the handrail. - Snowball ! Do not spit over the side.

Attention, please. I need a volunteer for a thankless chore.

They love, they share They share and love and share Love, love, love Share, share, share The Itchy & Scratchy Show

- Smithers, tip over this table for me. - Yes, sir. Homer. Homer. Make them stop.

For your information, Springfielders can be intelligent and articulate. I happen to know because we're from Springfield. Springfielders? Oh! (THUDS) (ALL HOOTING)

Look at all this great stuff, Lise. Cool, personalized plates. "Barclay, Barry, Bert, Bort!" Aw, come on. Bort? Mommy, Mommy, buy me a license plate!

You missed the baby. You missed the blind man.

What he's typed will be a window into his madness. "Feelin' fine."

We need something quick. My husband's eyes are really shot. Whee! Touch the sky, Maggie. Whee! Touch the sky! Dad, I've got Maggie. Who said that? Come on, Bart. While your dad gets his glasses, we'll go shop for your trip. Oh, I hate shopping.

Right now, I'm off to hit 46 local merchants for free birthday goods and services. I'm here for my free birthday sundae. Eat it and get out.

Fair enough. I'll level with you. Ow. Please, don't do that. Sorry. I'll be blunt. Your Web page has stumbled upon our secret plan. That's impossible. All my stories are bull plop. Bull plop! Don't be cute. I'm referring to the flu shot exposé.

How do you find the defendant?

CLETUS: Aw, I wish it had've been. (SOBS) Now that Brandine's famous, she done run off with James Caan. But don't you worry. I'm gonna fix his wagon.

I'll assemble it myself. Dad, no! Think of the bike! I can make a bike. I made you.

All right, I'll order. I'll have a medium pepperoni. And could you space out the meat so that it spells, "Happy birthday, Moe." (SOBBING) Oh, God! I'm alone! (SIREN WAILING) Apu, do you still have Krazy Straws? I've got a guy with a broken back and I'm trying to cheer him up. Oh, Mr. Homer, anything for a cuckolded boob.

How was I supposed to know it's not a real spaceship?

Hello, Helen. Marge.

Hey, this place is amazing! It's fit for a Duke, or even an Earl... Oh! (BLOWS SHRILL BLAST) Uh-oh. The Queen's in trouble! And you didn't want to give her a whistle!

Dad, the rocket's off course! Okay, Nibbles. You can guide her down. "Step one: Right in front of you is a blue handle. Pull for a controlled burn of 2.4 seconds."

Oh, my. I hope that rug was Scotchgarded. Must kill family.

These mallet things are padded with foam rubber. What's the point ? They'd work much better without the padding, Doc. No, no. That's not true. Ah ! Give me that. See ?

Oh, Patterson was right.

Cut me some slack. I'm a widow. Now there is still a slight chance we could rescue your husband before he expands. (BOTH GRUNTING) Uh, make that zero chance. Frink out.

Todd, would you like mixed vegetables? Hell no. What did you say? I don't want any damn vegetables. All right. No Bible stories for you tonight.

- No, stop! - No! No! I just saved my baseball bit.

Oh. No wonder I didn't hear about Bart being elected world's greatest sex machine. Oh, I'll never pay off that debt. Need money fast?

All right, you balls of pan drippings! I want to see Crisco coming out of those pores! We're not leaving until this Christmas ham gives me a pull-up.

Super. Now, let's give a big junior Achievers welcome to our guest speaker. I know he can teach us a lot about business. Mr. C. Montgomery Burns. I'll keep it short and sweet.

In Russia, stage is for performers only.

Then, on his 18th birthday, he was blown up in a silo explosion. During his long recuperation, he taught himself to hear... and feel pain again. As the years passed, he used his few leisure moments each day... to study science by mail.

Where to, Mac? For the third time, the hospital. You're an ambulance, not a taxi.

What the-- And that is that. Guess who, fat boy! - Marge! Marge, look! - Oh, my God! The doll's trying to kill me, and the toaster's been laughing at me.

Homer, you take Groundskeeper Willie.

please, Mr. Kidkill, look into your heart. I know these babies have a lifetime contract, but what if I put together an even better act for you-- something sensational? It's not just you prancing around in a monkey suit, is it? Not anymore. You got yourself a deal.

Whoo-hoo! I gotta call Burns! I gotta call Burns! Maybe I can still get that drink. Dad, the longer he has to wait, the more he'll pay. Right. That makes sense. No! No! Let me go!

Nelson, what are you doing? Real estate license exam. My ticket to freedom! (CHANTING) Nelson! Nelson! I'm doomed. (SIGHING) I can't beat Nelson. Why don't you start a rumor that he's ding-a-ling-a-ling, hello!

And so, as the rats' milk is returned to the sewers-- the circle of life is complete. - Fat Tony, do you have any comment? - I don't get it. Everyone loves rats, but they don't wanna drink the rats' milk?

Oh. Mmm. That reminds me, I've gotta get over to Milhouse's and... play sports. All right. And I'm going over to janey's again. We're gonna be, um, making the most of our childhood years. Have fun. We will.

Ten dollars? I laugh at you. Please to note, this is no ordinary comic book. It is in perma-mint condition. If you spill soda on it, the drops fly off harmlessly onto lesser comics. Yes, you are quite correct to gasp. Also note the price, $25. We had to buy lunch for that homeless guy.

Remember, it's Bi-Mon-Sci-Fi-Con. Be there and be square. Well, beats work. Yeah, beats school.

Oh, no. It's just a clump of dirt. Even so, my heart is pounding like a kettle drum.

Hm. Hm. Hm. Mmm! Mmm! Forbidden doughnut. Hmm? Well, well. Finishing something?

Ah, here it is. The Stonecutters. Ooh! This is it-- my ticket in. They have to let me join if I'm a son of a member. I'll take this Communist one too. Comin' through! Can't throw me out. My father's a member. I'm in. I'm in. Okay, okay, Homer, you're in. just don't point that thing at me.

No, children, you're not seeing things. This, my little friends, is a schwa. Aah ! Are you the substitute ? Yes, sir ! Yes, I am. Are you insane ? No, I'm not. It's my way of getting their attention.

Aw! Hey, then maybe I haven't become a hideous, drunken wreck. And-- Oh Dozens of people are gunned down each day in Springfield, but until now none of them was important. I'm Kent Brockman. At 3:00 p.m. Friday, local autocrat C. Montgomery Burns...

- Yes? - Domer. Why, you little-- Aah!

(ALL GASPING) It was those guys! Come! Let us kill them before learning of the magical secret which they possess!

Hey, a cartoon! Ain't it the truth? No, it's not the truth, Homer.

- Cool. - Bart, stop pestering Satan! Your Honor, we find that Homer Simpson's soul... is legally the property of Marge Simpson, and not of the devil. - Ohh. - Yea! Whoo-hoo! Ow! Well, I didn't win. Here's your pizza.

you state your name and tell me how you got so heavy.

(SLURPING NOISILY) Homer, this bachelor party seems to have peaked.

And I love your sensible ponytail. Well, thank you. See, Jojo? She likes it. So I notice your home smells of feces. Yes? And not just monkey feces either. Could we talk about something else? I-I love what you've done with these poles.

I don't see any anger. I see a yearning for freedom. Um, do you have a title? "A Time to Kill." Titles are hard. Hello, Homer. I'm Dr. Steve. Please lie down.

Whoo-hoo! Hear ye! Hear ye!

Forget about the badge! When do we get the freakin' guns!

Ow! And now, once again-- Lurleen. Homer? Is there any room in that bed for a dad-burned fool? Always has been. I'd like to play a song I wrote just this minute.

I did. Oh! That's wonderful. And the characters didn't bother you at all? No. They were all, in their own way, totally awesome. And you're fine with me trying to get it published? As I've always said, "Publish or perish."

It's always a party with Funzo. I admit it's kind of cute. But it'll never take the place of Malibu Stacy. Did you see that? Yeah. Funzo makes playtime fun!

I love you for trying. What's going on outside? Oh, it's just a mob war. Go back to sleep, honey.

Very popular dish detergent. Hey, he looks like you! What's he saying? He identifies himself... as a magnet for foodstuffs. He boasts that he will banish dirt to the land of wind and ghosts. Wow! Yes. You have very lucky dishes, Mr. Simpson.

The easiest way to be popular... is to leech off the popularity of others. So we propose changing our name from Springfield to Seinfeld. I may be just a boy, but I have an idea. If I may, I'd like to show you a few slides. Here's Springfield as it appears from space.

Tell me again why we're spending our vacation on the Island of Lost Souls. Hey, what could be more fun than an island shaped like a big smiley face'?

Silence. I rule in favor of Marge Simpson. Oh, I am so proud of you. And thanks to Marge Simpson's damning evidence, I hereby ban all sugar products from Springfield forever. Get in the car.

They're nothing but hideous space reptiles. It's true. We are aliens, but what are you going to do about it?

Military school? You lied to me! Well, I'm sorry if you heard Disneyland,

Now there's just four. Sea hag! Bart Simpson! Bart, are you crazy?

I won first chair? No, you regained consciousness. Alison got first chair. And believe me, this is not a dream.

The prison snitch is killed! And that could be you. Because you're the prison snitch! (ALL GASP) (ALL GROWL) What are you dopes looking at? You've never seen bling-bling before?

Next. Chicken necks?

Hey. Bart, what's going on? Mom, I thought you might forget our conversation this afternoon so I took the precaution of recording it. What conversation? Mom, can Otto live in our garage? He sure can. Marge, what were you thinking?

This year's tree is just perfect. That old aluminium one was so fake. I couldn't agree more. From now on, it's plastic all the way. Bart, did you hear that? Could it be?

to a bigger house! Oops. I said the quiet part loud and the loud part quiet. Oh, dear.

"that all arctic explorers dread- the pitiless bark of the sea lion." He'll be killed! Homer, he obviously got out alive if he wrote the article. Don't be so-- Oh, you're right.

Beautiful. And star wipe, and we're out. Hmm.

Ooh! Ooh! I wanna see Lobster Boy and Shrimp Girl! I want some fried sugar! I wanna go on the Yard Work Simulator! But when i ask you to do yard work-- Oh.

I'll take him. Do you have him in blond?

Uh, Hugh jass? Ivana Tinkle? I'm a stupid moron with an ugly face and a big butt, and my butt smells and I like to kiss my own butt? No, no, no!

Let's see now. Barely finished high school. You've challenged me to fight six times since the interview began... Make it seven!

Uh-oh. I'm gonna have to work on my marriage. Or alternatively...

Miss Hoover, the Movie's over. Where's Miss Hoover? Hey, her car's gone. Maybe she drove to the moon. It's not my nature to complain, but so far today, we've had three movies, two filmstrips...

Want a cup of coffee?

Apu, you should have seen your face... when they showed you those babies!

- To pay for a lawyer for my bum. - Forget it. I thought I recognized you. I gave you a plate of corn muffins back in 1947 to paint my chicken coop.

You could turn the world on with your smile. Could you turn off the TV? There's a test I want you to take. Oh, great. You made me miss joe Theisman. This is from the National Fatherhood Institute.

- Yep. - Well, okay. Pst. Look what I got. Whoa. I gotta have a copy of that. Sorry. Aw, come on. Well, okay. Hey, Bart. How come Milhouse gets a copy of your girlie picture and I don't ? I thought I was your friend too.

Now, don't you fret. We're sensitive to all your "eco-concerns."

Now, Rainier, I really dont think it's right... to sell these Playdude centerfolds. Zip it, Holy Joe. Are you taking us to another mansion? Uh, yeah.

Okay, we'll use a plan. This is where Duffman lives now. But I'm not sure we should go in there. Mom, we need him for our plan. I'm sorry. We have a six-month residency limit. Well, ol' Gil's gonna surprise ya.

- Aah ! - Aah ! Why, you little-- Uh-oh ! Now I got ya ! Aah ! Aah ! Boy must die ! I love you, Dad ! Doh ! Dirty trick. Okay, I'm not gonna kill you,

Hey, Armin. Miss Krabappel sent me. I forged my dad's signature on my report card. Oh, now, Bart, you know that's wrong. I don't see how me signing Homer's name is any different... from you using Sergeant Skinner's name. I guess me punishing you would be somewhat hypocritical.

All right! Whoa! Check this out! Yeah! All right! Videotaping this crime spree is the best idea we ever had! Quick, Ralph. In the bushes. Whoo! Hi, guys. Hot enough for you? Shut up.

I paint a frowny face on my butt and pull down my pants! Yeah!

Dad, it's just that too much of your love can really be... scary.

Copyright 1928 by Roger Myers." You will also notice Mr. Myers's name and copyright notice... on the original drawings of the other members of the Itchy and Scratchy family: Brown-Nose Bear, Disgruntled Goat, Flatulent Fox, Rich Uncle Skeleton... and Dinner Dog.

Big deal. My I.Q. is 280. Stephen Hawking! The world's smartest man! What are you doing here? I wanted to see your utopia. But now I see it is more of a Fruitopia. I'm sure what Dr. Hawking means is-- Silence.

Attach the Stone of Triumph.

Where do you want these beef hearts? On the floor. It doesn't look very clean. just do your job, heart boy.

No problem. If you ask me-- Stop right there. It's stupid to divide the city over something as silly as an area code. It would be like you and Mom splitting up every time you have a fight. Sweetie, you know your mother and I only stay together for the sake of my political career. That's not true! Big grins.

just like your old man. Dad, I'm asking if I can get a job. Gig, Son. When you're a musician, a job is called a gig. Wow. Being in show business is like a dream. We're really lucky, aren't we? I wish I was dead. Don't listen to him, kid.

All right, children. Now, I don't want you to get frightened, but it's my responsibility to teach you this. Today's topic will be "hell." Oh !

My change purse! Hi, Milhouse- Skinner, l was a little wary...

At last! This book must be out of date. I don't see Prussia, Siam or autogiro. Keep looking!

Oh, for the love of Peter. That's all anybody brought.

Kids, your father made us breakfast! Yay! Go, go, go, go, gol Okay!

It's against the law to frown In Capital City

But when you're a captain, you never know when people are just flattering ya. Yarr. He's gone. Darn it! I just want a friend who isn't a work friend.

The place I was born is now a gator farm. Smashing. Maybe you could give us a personal tour of your country. I'd love to but I'm late for an appointment. I'm greeting a lovely Dutch couple at Gate 23. Cheerio. Wow! I can't believe we met Mr. Bean!

Valhalla is where Vikings go when they die. Oh. That's some ball. Good morning, everybody. We interrupt "Mambo in the Morning"... to bring you this special news bulletin. The statue of jebediah Springfield, our illustrious town founder,

Call Mr. Plow that's my name that name again is Mr. Plow

Hmm. Dear Edna... I never answered a personal ad before but I found yours irresistible. My name is...

Ooh, and such delicate tissue paper. Huh? Zig-Zag?

Simpson, do you know anything about-- Dear Lord, please take Mr. Bunny up to heaven.

Lick it. Lick it. No!

I have nothing to offer you but my love. I specifically said "no geeks." But my mom says I'm cool. Next.

Uh-huh. Yeah ? Ooh !

Fear not, my syndicated sweetie. You'll be preserved in this Mylar pouch, forever remaining in... near-mint condition between Doctor Who and, of course, Yasmine Bleeth. i don't think so. I don't think so either.

Yeah, just a sec. I'll check. Uh, Amanda Huggenkiss! Hey, I'm looking for Amanda Huggenkiss! Why can't I find Amanda Huggenkiss?

candy A poem by Hans Moleman. I think that I shall never see. My cataracts are blinding me.

"Best in the West." It rhymes. "Clown College"? You can't eat that. Well, I got everything I was supposed to get. I'm not going to enroll in that clown college though.

(SCREAMS) Be careful! (SCREECHING) (SCREAMS) (GRUNTS) (GROANING)

I thought we fired that guard. Oh, yeah. Right. I got fired by the Who. Whatever you say, pal. Wacko. Wow. The Who! Whoo! Rock and roll!

Yeah! Shazbot. Hey! We stayed for your kids! The dark lord Montymort! Absorber of souls! Sucker of essence! Ah, ah, ah, ah! Hey, hey, hey, hey!

Whoo-hoo-hoo That was Bobby Mcferrin's new one, "I'm Worried, Need Money." Okay, if you want two tickets to the big Pigskin Classic--

Oh! It was incredible! I saw heaven! But it wasn't clouds and angels playing harps... like at the end of so many Three Stooges shorts. It was a golden elementary school... with a teacher's lounge that stretched as far as the eye could see. And no one was ever tardy.

Hey, look. He's getting up. No, no. Stop it. Stop it. You'll enrage the beast! No pictures. You're driving him mad!

All kettles and biscuits. Right. Well, he seen I was looking at him... Mmm-hmm. ...and he drops this and runs. Cor, blimey, skip to me loo. Good Lord! I'm afraid this case is beyond even your powers, little girl. I'll take that challenge, Inspector.

Why, you little-- Homie, you're all right! We're a family again! This calls for a celebration. We're all going to Hawaii.

Sweet. Look! They're making a movie! Robert Downey jr. is shooting it out with the police. I don't see any cameras.

During the war, Itchy and Scratchy put their differences aside... and teamed up to fight a bigger foe.

and makes us better people. So instead of just shooting pool and drinking beer, let us Stonecutters use what we have... to help the less fortunate. He's gone mad with power like that Albert Schweitzer guy.

I'm the one with stigmata. Thank you, Marge. You sure do love cooking. Food keeps my family happy. So I make a few practice dinners before showtime. 'Cause at 6:00, we go live!

I am imposing a curfew. Any kid caught on the street after dark will be shot... or returned to their parents, as the situation may warrant.

(GROANING) Everyone chickened out. Except Ralph. He got poached by the Chicago Tribune. I guess we're down to just me. Take the sob sister act somewhere else. You're standing in my light. Bart, you're staying! Lise, I've learned a valuable lesson here,

If I know his M.O., he's saved the biggest one for today. Aw, gee. The man's just trying to show his wife he cares for her. How can we sabotage his labor of love? I don't know. Gasoline, axes. I got some stuff in the trunk. - Hey, there he goes! - Let's roll!

to all the girls out there in radio land.

Um, I'm sorry. The car did not meet my eco-concerns. Can I have my prize now? Certainly. What the-- Help. Help. It burns. Hey, we never opened that envelope to see what our gift is.

"Best before November 1959." Damn it, Bob!

I've got a weekend job helping the poor, and I'm only eight. That's not a job. It's a waste of time. What can poor people pay you? Nothin'! What satisfaction do you get from helping them? None! Who wants to help poor people anyway? Nobody!

The evil overlords, get home. As wacky as those kids were, they were no match for Captain Wacky, later renamed "Homer." Wake up, everybody! It's World War III! Quick! Down to the fallout shelter! The bombs are dropping!

Abraham Simpson. Cornelius Talmadge. Oh, no, I'm not-- Well, let's see what you got here. The pink ones keep ya from screamin'. All right, folks. It's suppertime. Supper at 4:00? Whoo-hoo! What a sweet deal.

We all know who you are!

Oh, my God! Lisa!

- Those won't hold up in any court. Run, Dad! - Hey, ho! Look what I found under Mr. Simpson's car seat. I swear, I've never seen that gun before. They why are your fingerprints all over it, sir?

You crushed my boyfriend! You better be good at making out!

By special order of the mayor of Springfield, you are hereby granted a full and complete pardon. Congratulations, Robert Underdunk Terwilliger.

But I bet underneath he's a sweet, sensitive person-- like you. I guess you could say I want to bring out the Milhouse in Nelson. But I'm all Milhouse! Plus my mom says I'm the handsomest guy in school!

Springfield Gorge ? I thought we'd settled this daredevil junk ! Squealer. I'm sorry, Bart. But if you got hurt or died, despite the extra attention I'd receive, I'd miss you. Bart, I forbid you to jump over that gorge.

Well, I really shouldn't, what with my massive blood loss and all. Although I do like the occasional beer.

Oh, I wouldn't wanna be Mr. T. right now. Homer, the kids have a great idea how you can clear your name! The media's making a monster out of you because they don't care about the truth. All they care about is entertainment. You need a forum where they don't even know the meaning of the word entertainment-- - public access television. - Oh.

A spoor! Hmm-- His brand of gum, Doublemint. Trying to double your fun, eh, Bart? Well, I'll double your detention. I wish someone was around to hear that.

D'oh! Mattingly, get rid of those sideburns. What sideburns? You heard me, hippie. These guys aren't so tough. I've got Wonderbat. Take a knee, boys.

I'm gonna smooch her like a mule eating an apple!

When I snap my fingers, you will transform into... a famous historian. Look at me! I'm a famous historian! Out of my way!

Well, there's only one name left. Whoever it is will be paired with me. And that person is... Waylon Smithers. Perfect. That's just perfect!

Yeah, and Homer's a dumbass. No offense, Homer. You dumbass. I'm telling you I'm the Pie Man.

When they find out you've been fooling them, they're gonna want to cut you up with rusty razors. And how are they going to find out? The police will catch you. The police couldn't catch a cold. Maybe not, but you're stupid enough to have left a "Bart Simpson" label on that radio.

Bash their butts! Kick their shins! Kill the dorks! Bash their butts! Run away!

Rock stars. Is there anything they don't know? I still stand by my beliefs. But I can't defend what I did. I'm sorry I messed up your barbecue. I understand, honey. I used to believe in things when I was a kid.

What about Bart? Let's see. Bart, cart, dart, e-art--

and you expect me to give you... how much? $800 billion.

As a loyal viewer, I feel they owe me. What? They've given you thousands of hours of entertainment for free. What could they possibly owe you? I mean, if anything, you owe them. Worst episode ever. It looks like the beginning of the end for the venerable Itchy and Scratchy program. For years, TV critics such as yours truly, Kent Brockman,

Machine makes a good point. Don't be a follower! Be a snack-swallower! It's fun to obey the machine. (WHIRRING) Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. (SIGHS)

My baby. My darling, I Can't get enough of your love, babe

Oh, here he comes. What is it now, Quimby? Nothing. Nothing. Only the, uh, city has just passed... another tax on puffy directing pants. But I don't wear puffy pants! I meant a, uh, tax on not wearing puffy pants. Oy! I'm sorry.

Three hundred-- - Hey! Come back. - Four hundred, 500, 600--

Homer Simpson, sir. Simpson, eh?

but those were just actors playing us. How do you know? Because one of them hung out with me for a week, trying to get my character down. Yeah, me too. That midget taught me a lot about his native Estonia. The point is, the real Simpson family missed you a lot,

Hmm. They treat you real nice here. Hey, Salvatore, guess who's here!

- Th-- Doodly-diddly! - Ned. Have you thought about one of the other major religions? They're all pretty much the same. Damn Flanders.

I'll give you till three. One-- Hey, Homer, who's the manatee? Ah, now, be nice, Moe. This guy just got outta the hospital. Ah, sorry. Let me buy you a drink. Very well. I will have a shot of cranberry schnapps.

- State unfair. - Zing!

And now we will cut you loose. For liability purposes, it is the ocean that will kill you, not us.

Ron! - You killed Ron Howard. - Okay, I'll stop.

Kids, I'll go find your mother. Dad, we're canceling the rest ofthe play. What play? What the hell is he talking about? Marge? I'm gonna sleep down here tonight. Listen, kids. Your mom is going to be living in the basement.

Oh, come on, Homer. All I'm asking is for you to yank my teats and harvest my milk. Oh, fine! Ooh, that's nice. You’re actually quite gentle when you want to be. You know, you’re not helping. J In thejungle the creepyjungleJ

Radical. They're gettin' rich off us. And that kid with the backpack said "Radical." I say "Radical." That's my thing that I say! I feel like I'm gonna explode here!

Ring, damn you. Ring. Mr. Plow. That name again is Mr. Plow.

"Put food in me." I'll take that. Well, duh! With what, Ned?

- And what was your name? - Poor Violet.

I-it's my first day. Since I've never seen you before, maybe it is your first day. - Very well. Carry on. - Uh, sir, that's Homer Simpson. And he's been working here for 10 years. Oh, really! Why did you think you could lie to me?

And for the first time ever, our computer lab actually has a computer in it. Hi, Lisa. Hi, Super Nintendo Chalmers. I'm "learnding."

Hiya, gang. Intruder alert. Intruder alert. Stop the humanoid.

Most of you will never fall in love and marry out of fear of dying alone.

there is something worse and it really does blow when A long-running series

I'll pass. Beer is the nectar of the nitwit. Hey, you knockin' beer? Nobody bad-mouths Duff!

Don't thank me. Thank an unprecedented eight-year military buildup. Mmm. Milhouse, you're next.

Go! Go! Slow down. Excellent.

he's tied up with gamera and Rodan at the present time. Thank you very much.

Do you agree? Before he can answer, do you? Well, America's not perfect. So America isn't perfect. Is that why you and your son hate us? If by "us" you mean loud mouth talk show hosts, which everyone seems to be in this country, then, yes, I do hate Americans.

An ancient Indian what ?

Wrinkly gibberish? I got this in the Second World War II. Back then I was known as Sergeant Simpson,

(SCREAMING) Everyone okay? (ALL GROANING) (RATTLING) Uh-oh. You can't leave now. We're the only thing stopping Mr. Burns! Sorry, Lisa.

Can I fight human-style by slowly poisoning his environment until he loses his fur and becomes sterile?

They'll get help from designer Jeremy on, Dollhouse Do-Overs. We'll also show you how to turn a shoebox into a you-box. Oh, I missed the feeding frenzy. I hope you're happy. Obviously, yes. (BOTH GRUNTING)

"It's Raining Men"?

With today's gasoline prices, we can't afford not to. Ridiculous. When I look in Lisa's eyes I don't see love. That's no reason to buy a pony. When you yell at me, I see love in your eyes. Stick to the subject. Uh-huh, you love me. Let's be realistic.

No, Lisa. We're both in-- Go! Go! Go! Why do people run from me? Hey, now You're an all-star Wow. I'm actually passing as a college student.

Hey, Pop-N-Fresh! You're supposed to giggle.

I wonder what they're like. Help me! Help me! Aw, man.

Yes. Nurse, cancel my 1:00. Homer, I'm afraid you'll have to undergo a coronary bypass operation. Say it in English, Doc. You're going to need open-heart surgery. Spare me your medical mumbo jumbo. We're going to cut you open and tinker with your ticker.

I don't need any more money. I'm not greedy. As long as I've got my health and my millions of dollars... and my gold house and my rocket car, - I don't need anything else. - Yes, but-- Not interested. Dad, can we have $183,000?

I can't get any closer. You'll have to jump! Piece of cake, son. Crap! Crap! Crap! Crap! Crap! Crap! Crap! Crap! Crap! Crap!

I'm gonna go float a Baby Ruth down the mineral bath. Dont worry, kids. Weve got something just for you. Do you like Dr. Seuss? No. Then youll love Dr. Mas-Seuss.

like rhinestones on a dungaree jacket. Stu, you should buy that. Hey. Disco Stu doesn't advertise. Uh, hey, Ned, let me help you with that. Hey, everybody! Who thinks Flanders should shut up?

During his long recuperation, he taught himself to hear... and feel pain again. As the years passed, he used his few leisure moments each day... to study science by mail. And, last week, Frank Grimes, the man who had to struggle for everything he ever got,

Your whole life you never said one nice thing to me. That's 'cause you're a screwup! You're the screwup! Why, you little--

Oh, no! The birth father! I shouldn't have given him away. Seems I misheard my wife. What she said was, she's tired of having rabies. Give me back my belly fruit! If you want, I'll call you after Brandine's next litter. Yeah, pass.

But then I was a very depressed child. To poor decisions. Hear! Hear! Seymour! I told you... not to play in the neighbor's yard! It's a party, Mother. I was invited. Well, then I must have been invited too. Help me, Edna.

Whoa! A talking dog. What were you guys smokin' when you came up with that?

I got it right here. Uh, one: Poochie needs to be louder, angrier and have access to a time machine. Two: Whenever Poochie's not on screen,

Mm-hmm. That's right. I'm like Baskin-Robbins. You get one free taste, then you gotta buy the scoop. Ned, I love you... but I'm not ready to be tied down. I love you too, and I always will... but unlike the Bible, I guess this isnt gonna have a happy ending.

please spare my children and their damp-trousered pa A singing family it's worse than I feared For hostage purposes you're just too weird bye.

This is terrible. Um-- So, Trent, where's the party bus headed now? what?

That too. He also invented the phonograph, the microphone and the electric car. No one man can do all that. You're a liar, honey-- a dirty, rotten liar. Finish her! Finish her! It's true. I read it on a place mat at a restaurant. Really? A restaurant? Well, now I don't know what to think.

jessica! Bart, be strong! You don't need that little hellcat! Oh, Lise, she's already drawn me to her with her beautiful siren song.

Ohh! I think I just "seltzered" myself. Shut up, Updike! Listen, honey, a lot of kids think of me as their daddy. But I'm just a simple TV legend. Here, have a key chain. No. I'm sure you're my father.

Holy Toledo, it's good ! It's good ! It's good ! It's good ! It's... good to see you all in church. Please, be seated, Homer. Yeah, sit down, Homer.

And it's funny. It is? In that case, I'm proud to announce my triumphant return to comedy.

I thought I told you to go to bed. Yeah, right. "Bread." You said, "Go to bread." I said, "Go to bed." Yeah. "Go to bread."

Oh, please. Not that claptrap again. Haven't you hurt jebediah enough with your childish tales... of pirate ships and fisticuffs and a silver tongue that can't be found? That's because you stole it! That's a lie! I'm an antiquarian, damn it. It's my job to seek out the truth. But when you found the truth you couldn't take it.

But I keep telling ya, I'm not a pilot! And I keep telling you, you flyboys crack me up! Hi, I'm Alan. I'm your copilot. Uh, yeah. Um-- Hmm. As a change of pace, I'm gonna let you do most of the work. I think you're ready for it, Alan.

Gotta get back to the real world.

Are you guys any good at covering up... youthful and middle-aged indiscretions? Are these indiscretions romantic, financial, or treasonous? Russian hooker. You tell me.

Now let's hear William Shatner's version... of "Everybody Hates Ned Flanders." Ah. Another cover? My God! Let it die. Everybody in the U.S.A. Hates their stupid neighbor

But you have to catch me first!

I don't have enough vo-dee-o-do? Thank you, Knickknack and Paddywhack, the Siamese midgets. We'll be sure to catch your new series on Fox. Good luck, Mr. Burns. And if you get in trouble, I wrote some jokes about how white people are different from black people. Hmm.

Well, your cholesterol level is lethally high, Homer, but I'm more concerned about your gravy level. Now wait a second. You doctors have been telling us to drink eight glasses of gravy a day.

Hey, all right! I'm sorry. The guys made kind of a mess in your bathroom. What bathroom?

'cause she liked makin' bacon on the beach. Ooh. Me too. Ahhh, bacon.

Get outta here. My turn. "Kwyjibo." K-W-Y-j-i-B-O. Twenty-two points, plus triple word score, plus 50 points for using all my letters. Game's over. I'm outta here. Wait a minute, you little cheater.

Go, Dad, go! How doth the hero, strong and brave, a celestial path in the heavens pave. Go, Dad, go. Sir, the TV ratings for the launch are the highest in 10 years. - And how's the spacecraft doing? - I don't know. All this equipment is just used to measure TV ratings.

Gotta go! Folks, it's time to meet a real super fan, Hungry Hungry Homer! He's on a hunger strike till the 'Topes win the pennant!

Do I have a Bea O'problem here? You sure do. Oh! It's you, isn't it? When I get you, I'm gonna use your head for a bucket and paint my house with your brains.

You and the kids always want to do fun stuff. But today we're doing something I like. They're unveiling a combination apron-smock. - It's called a "smapron." - Did you say "smockron"? No, smapron. Oh. Come on. It'll be fun!

I'll give you 20. Homer, I paid $300 for this just last year. $20. Take it or leave it. Oh, Homer, be reasonable. Sorry, no cash for Neddy. Homer keep all money. Bye-bye, Neddy. All right, Homer. $20? $20. I don't want it. What?!

even here at Channel 6. Now, kids, I want you to go to your parents' medicine cabinet, and find all the pills labeled lithium dibromide and send them to me now!

Is that what you're saying? Yes, I'm afraid so. Well, we had fun. Hey, Apu, I think she likes you. Uh-eww! This Squishee's awful.

Okay, folks. You heard the recording. Clear out. Quick. Up here. Where are we goin'? Quiet. just keep scurrying. Worms! Gold!

Now, how may I best dispense with you today?

Uh, has the ship sailed on my foot massage suggestion? Ow! Don't worry, Mr. Burns. We'll track down Simpson with your vehicle's antitheft system.

Woo-hoo! I'm so glad to have my mom back. I never realized how much I missed her. She's nice. But? I just don't think you should get too excited... about the woman who abandoned you for 25 years. You could get hurt again. First, it wasn't 25 years.

you require 24-hour nursing care, Lisa's a clergyman, - Maggie is seven people, and Bart was wounded in Vietnam. - Cool! You really had a lot of talent, kid.

Was that special? (SOBBING) No!

You want me to replace the villain with a dog? I mean, nobody will know what's going on. They will if you set up that the dog is evil. All you have to do is show him doing this-- And people will suspect the dog. Maybe this wasn't a good idea, Homer. I'm sorry I dragged you out here.

I know another place you can go! To sleep.

No, really. Tell me. I honestly dont know. - Chief, no. - Even I knew that. Yeah. Yeah. I'm not- I'm not good. They're trapped.

Lisa, that sounds like a fancier version of the song you're going to sing. And she's giving us the emotional experience of a lifetime.

I hate myself. Ooh! Here's a wonderful speaker, Geoff Jenkins. Who?

No! Don't make me take a vacation. Without you, I'll wither and die!

If I don't save the wee turtles, who will? Gah! Save me from the wee turtles!

How about, "Rock-a-doodle-doo! You're listening to Bill and Marty"? Yeah, sure. That's good.

Yeah, not a dame in sight.

That is all. Ay, caramba!

Mother! She's my mother!

Can I play later? Hi, Apu. Oh, dear! You have ruined my work, you flying fat man! Hey! Step on it, Mom! Dad's signaling that he wants to go higher! Higher!

and no one remembers that word. But here are some words everyone remembers by Huey Lewis and the News. I want a new drug One that won't make me sick

(CHUCKLING NERVOUSLY) (UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING) (CARL AND LENNY GROANING) (ALL LAUGHING) D'oh!

I told you not to drink all those Frescas before we got in the car! Mother, please! You're embarrassing me. No, I'm not. Seymour needs the toilet! His bladder's full-- full of urine! Yeah, thanks. It's just past the end of the bar next to the heavyset guy.

He's not nobody. He might even be your new daddy. "Police informant tape"? These are never supposed to leave the station. I really hate to be a snitch. Don't worry.

Then I got this scar sneaking under the door of a pay toilet.

between NBC's Must-See Thursday and CBS's Saturday night Crap-o-rama. Another Duff, Homer? Nah. It's Friday night, Moe. I wanna try something special. Uh, sure. Sure. Here you go. DÜff, from Sweden. Go!

Oh, thank you. We can all learn a lot from this young man here. This-This-- Rudiger. Rudiger. And if we can all be more like little Rudiger-- - His name is Bart. - His name isn't important. What's important here is that this lad has fully developed ego integrity...

with the iron stomach! Hi, everybody. Is everybody... good?

Hello, Beefcake Charlie. (CHUCKLES) Dad, how could you say these things? I'm so sorry, honey. I said good things about you, too. Check out the Lifestyle section. "Plastic Pearls Make the Girl."

Mau! Didi mau! I'm getting a cramp in my wrist! Oh, boo-hoo. After all the times I've done it, my wrist sounds like a cement mixer.

We're building a casino! Arr. Can you give me five minutes? Idiots. I'll design it myself! I know what people like. It's got to have sex appeal... and a catchy name.

those snakes will be in here like Oprah on a baked ham. Oh, good idea. Let's see-- bass, bass. Tiny Tim, The Chipmunks' Greatest Hits, A Castrato Christmas. Can't get enough of youR love, baBe Mr. White! Can we borrow you for a minute?

Well, that's because you cut out his tongue. (MUMBLES) He's right, Chief.

"Best before November 1959." Damn it, Bob! There were plenty of brand-new bombs. But you had to go for that retro '50s charm. Well, if it isn't my arch nemesis, Bart Simpson, and his sister, Lisa, to whom I'm fairly indifferent. So Krusty double-crossed you.

Then I'll be an inventor. But I thought you loved Edison. Ah, the hell with him. Yeah! Hell, damn, fart! Taking Bart cross state lines. Back soon. I took your wallet! Oh, I just mopped that driveway.

Don Homer, I have baked a special donut just for you. Mmm. Grazie. Don Homer, my son, he has a-trouble with the-- Eh-eh-eh-eh-eh.

Mom, make him stop! Bart, put down that yellow sweater. Nobody's going near their presents until 7:00 tomorrow morning. 7:00 a.m., no earlier. And you can't set your alarm clocks, 'cause I've got 'em.

Ach. She's a bonny pile. Now for a wee nip and a wee nap. - Ready, Milhouse? - Ready.

Oh, yeah? Hey, what's Mr. McStagger really like? Tipsy McStagger is just a composite of other successful logos. You tell him for me that he makes one great mozzarella stick. Yes, I will. I've got a proposition for you.

Is that what you're saying? Yes, I'm afraid so.

Take that, Dick Tracy! Now I'm Prune Tracy! Take that, Dick-- Ned, stop it at once! Stop it! I can't believe I was such a terror.

But what are you doing in an opium den? It's the only way I can get Ralphie to go to sleep. I can make opi-ohs!

Mmm. Pistol Whip. Local authorities are confident the killer bees are just curious... and won't bother us if we don't bother them. On a serious note, two local residents have been missing for the last 20 minutes.

Stop him! He's supposed to die! - Nice work, Homer! Am I proud of you! - Well-- When you go home tonight, there's gonna be another story on your house.

- Hey, you know, I once knew a man from Nantucket. - And? Let's just say the stories about him are greatly exaggerated.

Come meet all your favorite stars: Mark Hamill, Alf, and many more.

Mr. Hutz, we've been in here for four hours. Do you have any evidence at all? Well, Your Honor, we've got plenty of hearsay and conjecture. Those are... kinds of evidence. Your Honor, I move for dismissal.

Huh? Oh, I can't help but feel partly responsible. Homer, that was a 20.

Jessica, I think this is too steep. Bart, you can't trust your perception... at this altitude. Actually, if the road surface maintains its integrity,

Good-bye, Maggie. Stay as sweet as you are.

I'm Krusty the Clown, and I don't like you. I'm Krusty the Clown, and I'm going to kill you. Didn't even pull the string that time. I said I'm going to kill you. You, Homer Simpson. Oh, yeah? With what? Aah!

Chaka Khan, let me rock you Let me rock you, Chaka Khan Chaka Khan, Chaka Khan Chaka Khan Whisk the egg whites into the batter mixture... while scraping the edges with a very stiff rubber spatula. Now let's look in on our hush puppies.

Otto, welcome. Apu, hey. Got a bad case of the munchies, man. Time for a heat-lamp dog. Did you know there's a child in your bus? Good thing you warned me.

Joe's Crematorium-- You kill 'em, we grill 'em. Hello. Who is this? Bart Simpson. Who are you? I'm Michael jackson. The Michael jackson? No way.

Everybody Dance now

Now read the first line. "I... ate... pee-pee." Why, you little--

and down Will come baby

Oh. Okay. Joy to the world the teacher's dead we barbecued her head

I second that motion... with a vengeance!

What about you? Well, sir, I step in front of cars and sue the drivers. I beg celebrities for money. I'm a prison snitch. jug band manager. My legs hurt. Oh, Lisa's right. We're nothing but a big bunch of losers. Show's over, folks. Go home!

We're the only thing stopping Mr. Burns! Sorry, Lisa. And by the way, that story I filed from Baghdad was all made up. I was actually in Basra.

This must be heartbreaking for you, sir. I'm just thinking of my employees-- All the cardsharps, bottom dealers and shills. Where will they go? They're managing your chain of nursing homes, sir. Excellent. Gone are such headliners as Little Timmy and the Shebangs,

How was detention today? Oh, not bad. I'm starting to get the hang of the floor waxer.

Well, need some help there? You know, maybe you folks... should come over and hunker in our bunker. Oh, it'll be fun. We're gonna go through our old canceled checks... and receipts and give ourselves an audit. Make sure we don't owe anything extra.

I'm a stupid moron with an ugly face and a big butt, and my butt smells and I like to kiss my own butt?

he's about to hiT A chestnut tree

Unguarded breakfasts-- The sweetest taboo.

Hey, you're famous! And that's the end of that chapter. Wow! Mr. Simpson, sir, can I get your autograph? All right. What's the name? Homer, we've worked together for 10 years. It's Carl. You only wrote my name. Um, I wanted yours.

and I don't want to be a snitch. It's not an honorable life. Now, now, there are perks. A private cell, extra dessert, and this adorable little hat. Well, I am a sucker for a little hat. So, we have an agreement? Well... I don't know. But it's the only way you'll survive in here.

No. We've gotta show the world what Dad's really like. Then everything will be back to normal. Back to normal.

I don't wanna be either. Hot diggity damn! That's good enough for me!

Attention. The flight from New York has arrived. Hey, I'm landin' here!

Sorry, sir. No refunds. I paid for a colossal doughnut, and I'm gonna get a colossal doughnut. You don't scare us.

Oh, there's no explaining God's will, Roddy. That's like explaining how an airplane flies. Stupid grill! Why won't you light? The gas is on full blast. You better stick your head in and see what's goin' on. Good idea. No, Dad! I think there's a leak in the line!

Poor Krusty. We gotta do something to help him. Yeah. And to make things even more suspenseful, our plane leaves in a half hour! Excuse me. I think I can help. I've been working in this town for a long time, and, well, I know how to get things done.

Are you nuts? The Thing fits in there perfectly. Look. He's fitting right now.

Then the prince and the princess... got married... and lived happily ever after. Then what happened? Uh-- They had 30 sons and 30 daughters. What were their names? Dennis, Brianna,

Name? Simpson. From now on, you're the Simps. That'll save time. Now kids, it'll take us a while to assimilate. I'll start out as a cop, and with time, become a dirty cop. I think I'm going to like this America. Everywhere around the world

Did you flash your lights? Yes. Well, I'm fresh out of ideas. All right! A chance to catch some rays. Come on! Come on! I got a body in the trunk. Mr. Genie, stop fiddling with the buttons.

"Grow a mustache," says the wife. "You'll look handsome," says the wife.

I thought you might want to have a nice family dinner. We're having "Make Your Own Taco" night. Gina, thanks for showing us the meaning of Christmas. And thanks for showing my brother that girls can be cool. Who is this nerd? Taco, please.

Thank you. Does anyone else want anything while I'm up? No. Marge, get me a beer. Uh, Mom? What? Um, there's a hair in my soup-- but I'll just eat around it. What kind of hair? Well, it's blue, six feet long--

Don't tell anyone, but, uh, Marge Simpson was arrested for shoplifting. Let the word go forth from this time and place, Marge Simpson is a shoplifter. - Hey! - In other news, the chick in The Crying Game... is really a man. Boo!

I'm here live in Korea... to give you a firsthand look at how American cartoons are made.

You bought that bowling ball for you, not for me. - What ? No. - The holes were drilled for your fingers. I wanted to surprise you. I couldn't very well chop your hand off and bring it to the store. You never intended for me to use that ball. If that's how you feel, I'll take it back. You can't take it back. You had your name engraved on it ! So you'd know it was from me !

Will I ever play baseball again ? But I played baseball this morning. That's right, he did. Excuse me, but Dr. Hibbert has been our family physician for years, and he thought Bart was fine. Oh, Dr. Hibbert, from johns Hopkins Medical School.

- Thank you. - C-Can I use your bathroom? No. You may not. The bathroom is for paying customers only.

Stupid bug! You go squish now! But that was just one little insignificant mosquito. That can't change the future, right? Right? I dunno.

Are you friendly pirates? Uh, not really, no.

Relax. I built a bomb shelter. That's not gonna protect US from anything!

My unicorn! Oh, what have they done to you, Gary? Oh, there, there. I'm sure he's gone to a better place, Lord. Oh, shut up! You are so banished. Hey, now let's not do anything rash. God is love, right?

Ha ha! Stupid bicycle. Can't believe this. No-good, rotten-- I guess it's not all bad.

What flavor did you get ? Blue. Hey, you two birds !

Give me that. Ahoy, mateys. Had your fill of tacos? Would ye sooner eat a bilge rat than another burger? Then come for all-you-can-eat seafood at The Frying Dutchman. Is it more iced tea ye be needing? Okay.

Homer, you genius! Geronimo! Huh?

How's the ice cream, kids? BOTH: Great! Who's ready for a kitten? I am! Make mine calico! Here you go. (MEWING) This whole morning has been wonderful... (KITTEN PURRING)

Take care, ladies. I'm sure you can make it back to the prison on your own. We will. You're all right, Donut Breath. You're like the son I never killed. Mom, I'm gonna hide you where there's no one around for miles. Disney's California Adventure. (SIRENS BLARING)

You've got the perfect build for a suit, 44 regular. (WHISPERING) 56 huge. Boys, even though I've been made Police Commissioner, don't think I've forgotten you. Lou, you're promoted to Chief of Police. Sweet. And Eddie, you're promoted to Lou.

(GRUNTS) (SIREN BLARING) (EXPLOSION) Well, that hurt like hell.

I am not so much disappointed as I am blinded with rage.

It's why you became a judge instead of finding a husband. I have a husband. What is he, blind and deaf? From now on, the restraining order is set at 200 feet. (ALL GASP) (GASPS) That's 61 meters. ALL: Oh! Sacrebleu!

Oh, it's a donkey.

I must find another way to vanquish the girl. So, has your daughter always been such a righteous little rabble-rouser? Oh, yeah. She's always trying to improve mankind. Fascinating! Do go on. Wait a minute. Are you trying to get dirt on Lisa?

Homer, you're dumb as a mule and twice as ugly. If a strange man offers you a ride, I say take it. Lousy traumatic childhood.

So I notice your home smells of feces. Yes? And not just monkey feces either. Could we talk about something else?

Hmm. Pablo Neruda said laughter is the language of the soul. I am familiar with the works of Pablo Neruda. I think we should do a test.

Joke's on them. If the core explodes, there won't be any power to light that sign ! And now I would like to present the man who made this sign possible... by dropping the last of his obstructionist legal challenges: Montgomery Burns !

The chariot of the people. The ride of choice for the poor and very poor alike. Sure, some folks prefer-- Are you gettin' on this next bus, kid? Yes. Taxi! - V.D. clinic. - Look! It's the bus! The bus! Come on! You're gonna miss the bus!

Merry Christmas and a happy New Year. Bart, what's taking so long? If you're having that problem with your zipper, I can send your father up. Oh, no, I'm not. What's the matter with your face? Is that a fake nose? Are you wearing chin putty?

SeÑor Burns El diablo con dinero It may not surprise you But all of us despise you Please die And fry in hell

I gave your necklace to my cheap girlfriend. I just throw it in a drawer at night. No! tll tangle!

You have chosen a three-wood. May I suggest a putter? Three-wood. Now, enter the force of your swing. I suggest "feather touch." You have entered "power drive."

You know, if we get through to just that one little girl, - it'll all be worth it. - Yes. Particularly if that little girl happens to pay $46,000 for that doll. - What? - Oh, nothing. Kudos to you, Lisa. Kudos.

There! Is everybody happy now? I take it from your yelling that you like my tofu dogs. Tofu? Oh, yes. No meat whatsoever. And only thrice the fat of a normal hot dog. - I made the switch and nobody noticed. - But why, Apu?

Got any spare change, man? Yes! And you ain't gettin' it! Everybody wants somethin' for nothin'. I'm old! Gimme, gimme, gimme! Huh? Hey! There's something you don't see in a toilet every day.

Don't hang up on me.

It's Channel 6 Action News.

Oh, the Amish are so industrious.

The rods make the water so hot it boils. Ow ! Ouch ! Ow !

Oh. (READING) Oh, my God! Look at these ingredients! "Hydrogenated petroleum oil, "monosodium poisonate, partially de-weaponized plutonium"? Attention, duped masses!

We can't just spend this money on some creature comfort. All right, we won't get the chair. Now excuse me while I kiss the sky. Hmm...

Hmm. April Foo--

We don't make mistakes. Damned right-handed ledgers. I can't write in these things. There's a store... You're Homer Simpson? See you Thursday. D'Oh! Knock 'em dead, boy. Kid's going to be a black belt in no time.

There it is! just like the dead clown promised! Wow. There's Bill Gates, Stephen Hawking, Paul McCartney, Michael jordan, Michelle Kwan. They must be starting a new civilization on Mars with our best and brightest.

(SCREAMS) Dad, you completely sold me out. Well, I paid for this ticket. That makes me an adult. I'm going. (GRUNTS) I love you, Krusty-wusty.

Big Daddy, would y'all mind passin' a lil' ol' biscuit?

One slingshot, one pack of cards, baseball, one doodle. (READING) One harmonica. Perfect mood setter for the end of your freedom.

But if you just let me even out the back-- I'm calling a cab! Good-bye, Ned! Oh, who am I kidding? I'm not over Maude at all. Yeah, maybe it was too soon. Well? Aren't you gonna invite me in?

Reverend, I'm sorry to bother you at this hour, but I threw a man out of my house today.

We know our songs, Homer. But those Olde Springfield squares... are just gonna make you cut your hair, turn down your music... and wear frilly shirts like Keith Partridge. Keith Partridge? Who huddle! We'll do it! Yeah! Just send a cab for us.

What? "Go near Moe." I'd say that's a pretty strong endorsement. So how about you and me go out sometime? You know, out back? I mean, uh, out to dinner at a fancy French restaurant? Bing! Sounds great.

Uh-- Why don't you talk to that officer over there? I'm goin' out to lunch.

It's just a damn popularity contest with you kids. Now look what you've done, you little freaks!

Okay, Abe. Here are your fake Canadian health cards. Take them to any pharmacy, and you'll get enough drugs to make Regina look like Saskatoon. (LAUGHING) That's a good one, Johnny.

Would you two just shut up!

Yo, Frank Gehry! Like curvilinear forms much? (GRUNTS) (HUMMING) Huh? (SNORING) Hey, cat, get your own pants! (GRUNTS) Kids! Why's the cat so fat? Dad, Snowball's not fat. She's just got winter fur.

Mr. Burns, I'll be honest. We had a hidden agenda tonight. No. The holiday season is approaching, and these children need a school. Charity, eh? Yes. I'd be more than happy to-- Oh, it's doing that thing again.

I've done stuff I ain't proud of. And the stuff I am proud of is disgusting. But what are we supposed to do on Wednesday? Lie naked on our roof? Because that girls' school says I can't do that no more. When the time comes, we won't be in our homes because we're all gonna go here.

Now let's get that fortune! They're gaining on us, sir. We'll have to jettison something. It's been an honor to serve you, sir. Consarn it! He's getting away! In a pig's eye he is!

His clowning around is putting me at ease. No. Yes! We win again. Will you get serious, Homer? I'd like to win at least once. Come on, Marge. All sports have their lovable clowns-- John Rocker, O.J. Simpson, Dorf.

Moe, this is Astrid, my dealer.

Uhh! Sting! Mom! Dad! Bart, I've missed you so much.

Oops. Hut, hut, hike, hike, hut!

Please, don't smoke in our restaurant. We don't serve contemporary California cuisine in your lungs.

Oh, you're gonna love it in Cuba, Marge. There's shredded pork everywhere! It's carne de burro. Nice to meet you.

I know one person who believes you're the Pie Man, Homie. Me. I've known it all along. Was it the kiss? No. It was clearly you in that suit. You'd have to be an idiot not to see it from the start.

Behold! Ladies, grab your pebbles. GIRLS: Mmm. (GIGGLING) What? Nothing. (SHERRI GIGGLES) Lisa has a big butt. (CHANTING) Lisa has a big butt.

What am I doing here? Order of Mr. Duff, and word to the wise. If someone hits a home run, the fireworks come out here and here. Gotta go!

So, the caterpillar has emerged from its cocoon... as a shark with a gun for a mouth. I only have one thing to say to that- Bravo. Huh? We clashed lances on the Champs de Mars, and I have been bested. The plant is yours. Treat her well. - Mr. Burns? - Yes?

I'm a doctor, and you're a 5,000-year-old mummy I brought back to life. But I love you, Tad, and together we can burn all the cities of the Earth. It's against hospital regulations, damn it! And Clive Dancer is just waiting for me to slip up.

Yeah, Dad. How many people have seen... the ice caps and the deserts all at once, or the majesty of the northern lights from 100 hundred miles above? Yeah, maybe I do have the right-- What's that stuff? Anyway, thanks, Marge, Lisa. Bart, do you have something nice to say to your father?

Who wants a bathtub mint julep? Mm-hmm! Are you the Beer Baron? Well, if you're talking about root beer, I plead guilt-diddily-ilty as char-diddily-arged. He's not the Baron. But he sounds drunk. Take him in.

Wait, Margie. Before you go out that door, let's put our happy face on, because people know how good a mommy you have by the size of your smile.

Oh, I couldn't agree more. That Reverend Lovejoy really displeases me. I think I'll give him a canker sore. - Give him one for me. - I will. So I figure I should just try to live right-- and worship you in my own way.

The lawyers. Go! Go! Go! Attention, all citizens. Even though the Leader himself is completely nonviolent-- he urges you to be as violent as you like in capturing the Simpsons.

sitting in the hospital who wants you to win this game. I know because I crippled him myself to inspire you.

Bye-bye, keys. Hear that, Bart? You're going to have a little brother or sister to play with. - Who did this? - Baby.

- Oh, come on, baby. - No, not now! - I'm supposed to assassinate Saddam! - Wait a minute! You can't kill Saddam! He's half my act! - No, stop! - No!

Hey, how'd you find us? One of these ferrets is wearin' a wire. You're not a pet and you're not a friend. You're nothing to me. With this latest arrest, Springfield is now free of crime, although overrun with ferrets. Happy days, people. Truly happy days.

It's okay, indeed.

Y'ello? I know you're alone. Who is this? Is this Maude Flanders? No. It's Homer. Oh! Hey, Homer. It's Moe. I must have dialed the wrong number.

They've never improved on iodine. Hi, Mom. Did you make any money ? Not yet, but at least I'm in a lot of pain. Well, I think what you're doing for Mrs. Glick is very nice. Poor old thing doesn't have anybody. There's a reason.

Fire! What do I do? What do I do? Oh, the song, the song.

I'm just saying that I fear for my safety. Look out ! Nelson, it was all a mistake. This is how it happened, man.

With McBain out of the way, nothing can stop us ! Any more new business ? Only your death. McBain ! Ah !

Where is the rent I must have the rent Dollars, dimes and nickels I need them all right now I literally chewed the scenery.

Homer s.: Portrait of an Ass Grabber, starring Dennis Franz. Ooh! Portrait. Sounds classy. Doesn't it?

And to my son, Homer-- Whoo-hoo! - and his entire family-- - D'oh! I leave these-- a box of mint condition, 1918 Liberty Head silver dollars.

Oww! Thank you. Thank you very much.

Concentrate, concentrate.

Oh, Smithers, if only you could hear me. Something tells me Mr. Burns needs me.

Lisa, what's wrong ? Isn't it obvious ?

Electricity. Nuh-uh! No electricity. Only in freeze tag. Okay. Now you're it! Hey! No tag-backs! Yeah, you cheater. You lie like a fly with a booger in its eye. The fly was funny. The booger was the icing on the cake. Friends, we love you all but I also have a sinister motive for asking you all here--

Am I too late for the 4:30 autogiro? Um, better look in the manual. Ignorance. Wait a minute. I know that woman. But from when? And in what capacity?

it's The Simpson Family Smile-Time Variety Hour. Featuring the Waylon Smithers Dancers... and the Springfield Baggy Pants Players. And now, a family that doesn't know the meaning of the word "canceled," the Simpsons!

Lunch boxes, coffee mugs, funny foam. They took the foam off the market because they found out it was poisonous. But if you ask me, if you're dumb enough to eat it, you deserve to die. Bart!

Your point being?

And you're tied down to a man who'd have to bathe to be a slob. Selma, Troy doesn't love you at all. He's only using you to squelch the rumors about his bizarre personal life... and further his career. You don't know what you're talking about, and I have to go now and see Troy.

As a matter of fact, if you actually saw hell, you'd be so frightened you would die. Oh, Miss Albright ? Yes, Bart ? Wouldn't you eventually get used to it, like in a hot tub ? No. Yes, Bart ? Are there pirates in hell ? Yes. Thousands of them.

Dr. Zaius, Dr. Zaius Dr. Zaius, Dr. Zaius oh, Dr. Zaius Dr. Zaius, Dr. Zaius Can I play the piano anymore Of course you can Well, I couldn't before

Sorry I never saw you again. I just felt the cultural differences between us were too great. Plus, as the boat pulled away from the dock, I thought you looked fat. You don't have to apologize, Abe. You Yanks saved our bacon. Mmm! Bacon.

"Where's the Beef?"

Why, you little-- Homie, you're all right! We're a family again!

It goes great with the Jolly Rancher I'm sucking on. Pleasant aroma, rich, full body, well-aged and the wine's not bad either. (BOTH LAUGHING) Oh, stop it, Seinfeld.

She lives in a houseboat? Wow! She is so cool! We hate her, Homer. I know. I know. Fight the power. Let's do this thing. Cops!

Hip hip hooray ! Yay ! Unadulterated pap. It's almost 9:00. Where's Homer anyway ? It's so typical of the big doofus to spoil it all. What, Aunt Patty ? Oh, nothing, dear. I'm just trashing your father. Well, I wish you wouldn't...

I'm afraid I had some great plans too. What do you mean? I spent it on beer. Surprise, surprise. You spent $5,200 on beer?! $5,200? What are you talking about? What?

was reading the Springfield Review of Books. Ah, well, Bart. The fact is, you don't have to be able to read to enjoy the Springfield Review of Books. just look at these amusing caricatures of Gore Vidal and Susan Sontag. Yeah, I guess those are kind of funny. Bart, children, this whole sordid affair has been a shock to all of us.

You like me, but I don't like you. Maybe you would like me if you got to know me. What are you, a comedian? Well, I'm no Margaret Cho, but I do a pretty fair Columbo impression. Uh, one more thi--

Oh, my cheese-- she stinks! No, wait. It's me! Jamaica.

Say it, Burns! Say I never shot you... before.

Oh, Kent, I'd be lying if I said my men weren't committing crimes. Hmm, touchÉ.

and choose-up-siders were to come upon a elephant... frolicking in the waters next to our nuclear power plant, they'd probably blame his ridiculous nose on the nuclear boogeyman.

Good morning, fellow employee. You'll notice that I am now a model worker. We should continue this conversation later, during a designated break period. Sincerely, Homer Simpson. Can you believe that guy?

Get me Steven Spielberg! He's unavailable. Then get me his nonunion Mexican equivalent. Listen, SeÑor Spielbergo, I want you to do for me what Spielberg did for Oskar Schindler. Schindler es bueno. SeÑor Burns es el diablo. Listen, Spielbergo, Schindler and I are like peas in a pod.

in Simpson and Son's Revitalizing Tonic. I'm not convinced! I've had bad luck with aphrodisiacs.

I'm a complete fraud! Huh? Sorry? I didn't catch any of that. And now I gotta go. All right, here are your exams. Fifty questions. True or false. True. Homer, I was just describing the test. True. Homer, just take the test, and you'll do fine. False.

I could call for you. Oh, great. Tell them this is one of those places where rich women lose weight. Joe's Crematorium-- You kill 'em, we grill 'em. Hello. Who is this? Bart Simpson. Who are you? I'm Michael jackson. The Michael jackson? No way. I'm with your father in a mental institution.

Well, how about this? This thing says my mother's still alive! She died when I was a kid! See that stone angel up there?

But that means you have to think of a punishment, sit here and make sure I do it-- Ohh. Or you could let me go play with Milhouse... while you spend the afternoon watching unpredictable Mexican sitcoms.

The man never drank a Duff in his life.

Fine, fine. What do you do, "Dr. Simpson"?

Uh-oh. I don't like the sound of that. Oh, please, God, don't let them come in here. Hear ye! Hear ye! The intergalactic jester proclaims... this conformity factory closed!

Fine. As long as I stand perfectly still and don't touch anything, I won't destroy the future. Stupid bug! You go squish now!

What are you spraying me with? Rum-- so no one will believe your story!

we're gonna have to cut back on our diseases. I'll get a second job, one that pays well. You think those guys on Friends need another friend? That show's gone off the air. Damn it. I would've been perfect as Rachel's Irish cousin. So you're all doin' each other, are ya? But who's gonna put out for old Seamus?

Ooh! Ow! Hey! No! No! Help! No! Ow! No! Yo, Andy, no! Homer! Homer! Marge! Oh, why does art hate me? I never did anything to art. Oh. Let's get out of here.

Nelson? I thought you were sleeping in the park tonight. Oh, that's okay. The kid don't bother me none. Hey, Nelson. Say hello to Moe. He said he'd take you camping sometime. (CHUCKLES) I said I might. Hey, kids. I just heard they canceled league night down at the bowling alley. You know what that means?

Yeah. Maybe you should, uh-- what's the expression-- go back there. What's the word I'm searching for? Uh-- Yeah. A trip to the alma mater might really rekindle my love of gettin' people loaded. But who'll run the bar while you're gone? Ooh, ooh, pick me! Pick me. Lenny! Oh, pick me! I'm an urban Lenny!

Whoo-hoo! Oh, don't look so proud. That was wind-assisted. And if anybody wants potato chips or anything fancy, tell 'em to go to hell! Can do. Now don't you worry about a thing. Hmm. Hey, what are you doing? I gotta pay for that! No, Moe. You've got it all wrong.

This universe you've created is even more impressive than Martin's milk carton ukulele. Willie, you can throw out the other projects. We have a winner. Principal Skinner, wait! I created the universe. Give me the gift certificate!

Mmm, no. And please cover your garbage. It's attracting wildlife. Wha-- Hey, moose! Shoo! Yeah, I'm talkin' to you! Get off my lawn, now!

There! Pretty as a picture. Well, howdy, strangers. What can I do ya for? Brains. Brains.

Oh, are you ? Well, you go ahead... and call your precious dog warden, you old battle axe, because my dog is tied up in the backyard. There's only one family on this block-- no, on earth-- inconsiderate enough... to let a monster like that roam free ! Doh !

They're all gone, the whole batch.

English - US - Line 21

Whoops. Here comes the boss. Gotta go. Reverend Lovejoy, your wife confiscated this... from one of the boys in the choir. Why this sheep has strayed from my own flock. His name's-- Homer Simpson, sir, a low-level employee... in sector 7-G. Simpson, huh ?

It's fun for the whole family. And the ends are razor sharp-- to protect our nation and its interests. Ow! God bless America.

Sixty-three. Two. One. Have you been up all night eating cheese? I think I'm blind. Wha--

But this personal tragedy translates into a good old-fashioned bankruptcy sale.

Whoa! If he bites, I'm sunk. If he swallows, I'm good. Dad! Look! I'm on it! Be careful- Uh-oh.

I'm the greatest missionary of all time!

Homer ! There's no time to explain. Love you. Love you. Love you.

I was more animal than man! My name is Otto. I love to get blotto. My name is Hans. Drinking has ruined my life. I'm 31 years old.

Huh. Getting kind of hot around here. Wow. What happened, Dad? They didn't really burn her, did they?

Pathetic humans. They're showing a Halloween episode. In November! Who's still thinking about Halloween? We've already got our Christmas decorations up. BOTH: Ho, ho, ho! Merry Christmas! (CHRISTMAS MUSIC PLAYING)

It's Pretension by Calvin Klein. Wanna try some? Mm-mmm. Okay. So what's the haps in Springfield? What do you guys, like, do for fun? Well, you'll definitely wanna get yourself a good doll. The new Malibu Stacy has an achievable chest. Dolls? Really? Okay, what else you got?

Look what my dad just built for me. ALL: Whoa! Hey, guys. This butt's for you. Oh, no! No one does this to Dolph! No one! (LAUGHS) Uh-oh! Whoa!

Homer, you moron. Homer, you genius!

Where am I gonna get $500? Now, drive, Smithers. Drive!

What's the matter, Homer ? Hottest ladies' night in months... and you're not even checking out the action. Oh, Moe.

But we've both had long, full lives. - Oh. Right. - Hey, look. Another spaceship. And there's nobody guarding it! Let's go. I can't believe I destroyed the Earth.

Going for... eight-hour walk. Homer. Homer. Homer sleep now. What's wrong with Dad?

So I realized that being with my family is more important... than being cool. Dad, what you just said was powerfully uncool.

Course nobody knew that but me. Anyway, "long story short"... is a phrase whose origins are complicated and rambling. You know, tomorrow is the annual Springfield formal event.

Lunch Lady Doris, have you got any grease? Yes. Yes, we do. Then grease me up, woman! Okeydokey.

John Smith, 1882? My mistake.

Oh, it's beautiful, Dad. It's a crane. The japanese believe they bring good luck. Oh, be careful. We need that money to get home. No! Now, Mr. Simpson,

Oh, listen. What's the cash value of those tickets so I can report it on my income tax? I've got two tickets to paradise Won't you pack your bags and leave tonight I've got two tickets to paradise

I'm a good student. Yeah, sure, and they told me I'd get a big parade when I got back from 'Nam. Instead, they spat on me. I can still feel it searing.

Ten years? But I "didna" do it! Sure you "didna." Now let's get you to Attica--

Yeah. Oh, yeah ? Yeah. Yeah ! Yeah ? Oh, yeah ? Yeah.

That was delightful. Did you see that? That mouse butchered that cat like a hog!

I don't know if I should. My dad and I built our car together. If I drove someone else's, it'd kill him. On the other hand, I'll do it.

So now we're not eating Homer? And thanks to that little girl, today you can find apples in everything that's good. Apple wine, apple whiskey, apple schnapps, apple martinis, uh, Snapple with vodka in it, apple nail polish remover--

Please. For Mom's sake? Well, maybe we can find something.

Oh, whacking day oh, whacking day our hallowed snake skull cracking day

You give me fever when you touch me fever when you hold me tight fever ha Kill me. Well, Seymour, it seems we put together... a baseball team, and I was wondering-- Who's on first?

but your idea's good, too. Thanks. Pint of ale, my dear? Well, thank you, Your Honor. You know, you're kind of sexy.

It's a miracle! I performed a miracle! I'm a genius! Yeah, yeah. Hurry, everyone! We don't have much time! After them, men, into the temporarily dry sea.

Aw, it's a weird world, Homer. As hard as it is to believe, some people don't care for me neither. No, I won't accept that. No, it's true. I got their names written down right here... in what I call my, uh, enemies list. "jane Fonda, Daniel Schorr, jack Anderson"-- Hey! This is Richard Nixon's enemies list.

This isn't funny!

'Ello, 'ello, 'ello. What's all this then? It's a little bird with a knife, innit? Oh! What a thing to 'appen. What-- Blimey!

I am so far from my car. Dude, you're lying on top of me. Dude? Wait a minute. Look at the scale. Divide by the number of people, subtract belts and shoes-- Everyone, welcome to The Duff Book of World Records.

then vamoose. Trust us. We know everything about boys except what they look like below the waist. I have some theories based on a G. I. Joe I bought. Well, I... I never want to date a boy again!

"Hello. My name is Laddie. I've been trained to gather fruit for you as a welcome gift." Good dog. Okay, watch this. Watch.

Hey-- Hey, I may be ugly and hate-filled, but I've, um-- What was the third thing you said? Homer, you are the worst human being I have ever met. Hey, I got off pretty easy.

Moe. Moe, Moe... Moe... Moe, Moe... Moe.... Moe, Moe... Hey, Homer. Hey, Homer. Hey, Homer. Hey, Homer. Hey, Homer. Hey, Homer. Hey, Homer.

I got the job. I got the job! Whoo hoo! Only in America could I get a job. Who was that young hellcat? Homer Simpson. Simpson, eh?

Oh, no! Beta! Dad, you gotta let me see that movie. Can't you just give me a spanking? Come on. Go nuts. Don't point that thing at me. I said you're not going to the movie, and I'm sticking to it. Dad, I agree that Bart should be punished,

Dad, I'll set up your computer. Why don't you and Bart go play in the backyard? You're it! Hey! Why, you little-- Okay, you're ready to go. I've written down the basic commands... so that anyone can understand them. Hmm.

Oh. You're just as sweet as the sticks which bear your name. No, no. No, no. No, no, no. Take that down. As a semi-legal immigrant, your poster could land me in a predicament... as red hot as the candies which bear that name.

Well done, Mr. Lenny. Well done.

You make a very adulterous point. We will now conclude this debate with a Krusty campaign commercial.

Now, Helen, let us not glory in Homer's binge drinking. There but for the grace of God goes Marge herself.

They will be fought in space. Or possibly on top of a very tall mountain. In either case, most of the actual fighting will be done by small robots. And as you go forth today, remember always your duty is clear-- To build and maintain those robots. Thank you.

Whoo. Whoa. Yea-- Otto, are you okay? Yeah. Just pop my shoulder back in. Ooh. Thanks, buddy. Hey, I lost my turn.

School dance? I didn't approve any school dance. Yes, you did. Yesterday, right by my locker. - Oh, yeah. Yes. Um, carry on. - Oh!

Hug! Hug! Hug! Hug! Hug! Hug! Hug! Hug! Hug! Hug! Hug! Hug! Hug!

Do do do do do do Do do do do

Professor Rocko, Chancellor Knuckles?

Oh, Jack. You threw it all away over a stupid feud with Skinner. Look, I'll admit I hate Skinner. But I didn't start that fire. Then why are you hiding? Come on, Marge. With my rap sheet, they can't wait to send me back to prison. And you can't believe the foul language in that place.

At first they were cute, but now they're annoying. 18 bucks for this? What a rip-off.

The dancin'est hemisphere of all ! Dancing, dancing, dancing

Okay, this is gettin' weird.

psychosomatic. Does that mean you're crazy ? No, that means she was faking it. No, actually, it was a little of both. Sometimes, when a disease is in all the magazines and on all the news shows,

You know, I was hexed by a troll, and a leprechaun cured that right up. Hey, you know, what's even better is Jesus. He's like six leprechauns. Yeah, but a lot harder to catch. Go with the leprechaun.

Really? I should warn you, I'm not great with figures. That's okay. I make stupid decisions. Nobody's perfect. I did bad in school. I didn't even go. My personal hygiene has been described as-- Homer, Homer, you'll be a great manager. There's only one thing you need. This is made from a space-age fabric... developed especially for Elvis.

"Have it your way, baby." Hello, room service? This is Marge Simpson. I'd like a hot fudge sundae with whipped cream and some chocolate chip cheesecake and a bottle of tequila.

Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Hmm!

Hey, Bart, dude. Whoa, you look freaked. Hey, Otto man, I got a big test that I am not ready for. Could you please crash the bus or something ? Oh, sorry, little buddy. Can't do it on purpose. But hey, maybe you'll get lucky. Okay, no reason to panic.

I suppose you're all wondering where I've been. It all started a week ago. I was at my desk, revising and updating the school dress code... when I was confronted by A gang of toughs... acting on behalf of one Bart Simpson... or so they said. We really think there's promise in the boy. - Get out! - Okay, okay. You don't have to yell.

It's the same technology they use to keep tabs on Gary Busey. Finally, science has joined forces with revenge. Now listen. The bull grizzly is seven feet tall, weighs more than a Mazda Miata and can tear through a tree like a Jewish mother through self-esteem.

Mmm. That's it. They have awoken a sleeping giant. Homer, what are you going to do? Crazy scheme, crazy scheme, crazy scheme-- Get me tools and beer! Yes! Free service, here we come. All right. Let's try the red one.

Hey, this is taffy. Police brutality!

I won't make a spectacle out of myself any further. Oh! How'd they get there?

Ooh! There's Ross Perot.

Well, at least I'll have my revenge! Bob, no! Don't you see? That would be taking the easy way out. I agree.

ANNOUNCER 2: Can robots feel pain? If so, we are horrible, horrible people. He's killing him softly with his saw. Killing him softly? With his saw.

Waylon Smithers! I'm just relieved that Homer's safe and that you've recovered, and we can all get back to normal. Not exactly. Smithers, for attempting to kill me, I'm giving you a five percent pay cut. Ohh! But, of course, for that ending to work,

Here comes "two."

We're shutting you down, you filthy i-talians. It's Italian-Americans. Right, right. Filthy i-talian-Americans.

Whoa, slow down, Frenchy. This stuff is gold. "A million poets working for a million years..." You're so lucky. When are you going to meet him? First, I ask him to send a photo. If he's got everything where it should be I'm reeling him in.

Surely you children are aware of your Brahman heritage? As long as you have absolutely no follow-up questions-- Yes. Yes, we are. Fully. We have to go now.

Ooh! Sugar-free doughnuts. No. That is sugar with free doughnuts. Oh. Apu, everything in this store is overloaded with sugar. Marge has a point. Sugar is not only fattening, it's also terribly, terribly addictive.

U.S.A.! U.S.A.! U.S.-- Lisa! - Oh! - Marge! Your shoe!

Uh, since you're trying to make a getaway in park, I'm guessing you don't have a license. Better head down to the D.M.V. These two broads will help you out. Wow. Officer, uh, this man is making me a little edgy.

Kids, you bum my sMokes and don't say thank you why can't you be like we are

Well, gentlemen, it's just a small school carnival. And it's heading for a great big lawsuit. You made a big mistake, Skinner. Well, so did you. You got an ex-Green Beret mad.

You mean like when you hid inside the conga drum to scare Ricky? Hey! Stay away from the drums! That's my bit. I got it.

Sir, we can't give your friend a refund just because the team is losing. I'm sorry to hear that! Spin that back the way it was. Yes, sir. This meeting is over. Okay. So, uh, you want to go get something to eat? No, I don't. Get outta here.

Trick or treat!

But look-- I got some cool pogs. Alf pogs! Remember Alf? He's back, in pog form!

Hey, Homer. That's four strikes in a row! - You got a perfect game going. - Really?

Stupid Barney. Thinks he's too good for me. Cheer up, Homie. You don't need friends to be happy. I haven't had a friend in years. But you got me. Who have I got?

Animation is so great. It's way better than... whatever the alternative is. Seems like animated shows are everywhere-- or were, last year. Cool! Japanimation.

My friends call me Bleeding Gums. Ew! How'd you get a name like that? Well, let me put it this way. You ever been to the dentist? - Yeah. - Not me. I suppose I should go to one.

Dear Marge, xxx-- Homer. Big shots with their stainless steel lunch boxes.

Oh, dear! No, Mom. It counts as a hit. Dad just won the game. Well, I guess he'll be happy when he comes to. We won! We won! All right! Homer! Homer! Homer!

And would it kill you to put some fennel in it? Alec Baldwin? Wow! That is the coolest person you've ever been fired by. What was it like at their house? Oh, it was so great. I didn't have to fake it with them. I was actually excited to hear about their day. I washed the dog today. Was it the dog from the Beethoven movies? Of course not.

Whoa-ho-ho-ho! While I wait for my family, I'll tell you about the time my baby shot my boss. Hey, that's great. But I gotta get goin'.

Ah, the sweet couple of seconds... before I remember why I'm sleeping on the lawn. Homer? Marge, you're speaking to me? Why don't you come inside and we'll talk? Talk about what? Sports? Bigamy? Bigamy! Not a sports fan, huh?

No, no ! Not like that ! Like this !

Ow! You stepped on my arm! Sorry. Daddy thought you were a pile of cable. Tell me about the Homer Cares Program. My kids wear these hearts to remind them they are always loved. Aww. Did you make 'em yourself? Yes. Through the magic of caring.

I got you fired. It's the least I can do. Well, the least I can do is absolutely nothing. But I'll go you one better and come along. - But, sir, the head office is in India. - Okay. Dad, that's over 10,000 miles away. I'm aware of that! - That's over 16,000 kilometers. - D'oh!

Some decent local marmalade, for one. Oh, well, next time. Not my extendo-glove! Oh, they haven't made those since the war. Not-- Oh, not my Paris backdrop! How am I gonna make fun of the Frogs? Wait.

My brother owns a radio station in Weevilville, and I'd like to take your C.D. to him. Homer, it's your quarter. What do you say? I guess so. This is KUDD 570 AM. Don't touch that dial. You've got KUDD on it.

Oh, my God. Space aliens. Don't eat me. I have a wife and kids. Eat them! Silence!

Ready. Here we go. She's down. Oh, look at it go. Stay there, honey. We'll come back for you.

I made omelets from the eggs people threw at our house. Dig in, everybody. Omelets for dinner? This is the best day of my life. Really? Didn't you just sign a $90 million contract? That was a good day, too.

Oh, boy. I've got a lot to learn before that license test. Don't worry, Mom. We'll help you study. Of course, we'll have to cut back on our own homework. What in the heck is a dwelling?

I guess you might say he's barking up the wrong Bush. There it is, Homer. The cleverest thing you'll ever say, and nobody heard it. D'oh!

The old shoulder pads. Look, I want a cup. Cup. Could you spell that? C-U-P. I wanna C-U-- Oh, my God!

(GRUNTING) Okay. If I use my head, I can keep out of trouble. I better stay out of the sandbox. I could be buried alive. Maybe the slide. Don't forget to buy your photos!

We'll get him a new dog-- one with an untwistable stomach. Oh, come on. I'm sorry but we just can't afford it. Marge, make him stop. Oh! All right, all right, we'll find a way.

Do you know what today is? Today? Yes, of course I do! Happy birthday to you, happy... It not my birthday, Seymour. You know I'm a Sagittarius. Really? I'm a Libra. There's a lot of compatibility there.

Uh-oh! The cops!

- Hubba-hubba. - Stop that! I love my wife and family. All I'm gonna use this bed for is sleeping, eating, and maybe building a little fort-- that's it.

Look at her cry. New money always cries.

He's letting you in. Go! Come on, Mom! Gun it, woman! No. No. As soon as I get over, that lane will stop moving. Erma Bombeck said so, and Dave Barry agrees. Aw! You suck, Marge.

Wow! Oh, those poor monkeys. They started it! Oh! You saved me, Reverend.

Now I got ya! Not the swear jar! It's the only thing holding back the filth! Nutty fudgkins!

I can hold these nails in place with my tail. You're so silly. Gimme a banana. I don't have any bananas. Come on. You're holding out on me.

Whoo-hoo! I gotta call Burns! I gotta call Burns! Maybe I can still get that drink. Dad, the longer he has to wait, the more he'll pay. Right. That makes sense. No! No! Let me go!

Television must go. May God have mercy on our souls. And as my final newscast draws to a close, I'm reminded of a few of the events that brought me closer to you.

Anybody I know.

You heard the man, Simpson. Ah, and my dear, dear Smithers. You're no longer needed at all. You're fired. Ta. You shouldn't have gone away on vacation.

Now you can't tell me nicotine's not addictive! Lisa, there's absolutely no evidence-- Tomacco!

Maggie! Please, Maggie. Please go to sleep.

Hear Me Roar, the network for women. In the next half hour, we'll show you how to cut your first-aid bill in half...

You mean when they marry other people. Okay, but I ain't payin' for two weddin's. Hey, wake up! We're moving! You just relax. I'll have you in jail by suppertime. You'd better.

Die, you chalk-faced goons! Come on. We just wanna eat your skin.

I wanna go on a pony ride. I wanna go on a boat ride. Pony ride. Pony ride. Boat ride. Boat ride. Pony ride ! Pony ride ! Boat ride ! Boat ride ! - Ahoy, mateys ! - Eee-haw !

Ahhh! Oh, no. This is how Faceless Joe lost his legs.

You agreed to spend one Saturday a month doing something with the kids. Ohh! Oh, quit complaining. It's half the work of a divorced dad. Yeah, but it's twice as much as a deadbeat dad.

When Krusty wants to, he can still blow 'em away. Yes, he can take a simple, everyday thing like eating a bicycle and make it funny. See you tomorrow, kids! But before I go, I'd just like to say--

watching the seventh game of the World Series. Yeah, they won't learn anything about apples today. And the cider mill operated continuously until 1941, when its workers left to fight in the Second World War. When they returned, the old girl was just as they'd left her,

Well, I'll always have my crank calls. Hello? Old lady from Titanic? You stink!

And a-two, and a-three, and-- We sail the ocean blue And our saucy ship's a beauty We are sober men and true and attentive to our duty

We're ruined. Christmas is canceled. No presents for anyone ! Don't worry, Homer. We'll just have to stretch your Christmas bonus... even further this year. Homer ? Oh, yeah. My Christmas bonus. How silly of me.

should come over and hunker in our bunker. Oh, it'll be fun. We're gonna go through our old canceled checks... and receipts and give ourselves an audit. Make sure we don't owe anything extra. I'm sure I'd be a third wheel. Oh, no, siree. We'd be happy as hens to have you-- I would make it my business to be a third wheel.

Legend has it my great-grandpappy... stumbled upon this recipe... when he was trying to invent a cheap substitute for holy water.

No! This is Kent Brockman in Chopper Copter 6 with a special report. Montgomery Burns's son has been kidnapped. Kidnapped? Marge, it's not a real kidnapping. It's a simple hoax to win a father's love. You know how I feel about hoaxes. Still?

Two things are certain. The mayor is in deep trouble. And the local newsmen in this town are idiots. Channel 6 News rocks! A car chase every night or the weather girl wears a tube top! And if she doesn't, you win a pizza!

It may not be pretty but damn it, it's honest.

Anoint them with 62 sauces, whipped cream and nuts. And ye shall call it... the Ark!

Homer mad! Aah! Aah!

Don't worry. I'll protect you-- Little dude. There. Now no murderers can get in. Or out.

Um, excuse me, Mr. Smithers. Bart may be seriously hurt. Could we possibly go ahead of you? Um, no. I really would rather get this taken care of. Excuse me, little lady. The wheelbarrow line's over there.

I can tell oh, shake, shake, shake shake, shake, shake shake your booty shake your booty - Shh!

Mom, I'd love to, but I don't need new clothes. Oh, really?

All right, ladies. This sexy fellow describes himself as "a big, thirsty teddy bear." Say hello to Barney Gumble!

You used to be a boxer just like me? Yup. They called me Kid Gorgeous. Later on, it was Kid Presentable. Then Kid Gruesome. And, finally, Kid Moe. Hey, what's this?

Hi, Kids! Hey, hi! Cute kid. Oh, hi, Bart. I was just in the neighborhood... What? Krusty the Clown!

That's a shame. He had one day left till retirement. Okay, come on!

Look how cute they are. Look at him go.

shoot! Bob, look! At last I'm going to do what Bob never could-- kill Bart Simpson! By throwing me off a dam? Isn't that a little crude for a genius like you?

Oh, look at all the people who could buy and sell me! i should send a list of these names to the I.R.S.!

(METAL SQUEALING) - (SCREAMS) - (BARKS) (SCREAMS) Be careful! (SCREECHING) (SCREAMS)

Behold! I am the Collector! And I'm here to add you to my collection! Must remove my breastplate. Maybe later.

I apologize. I apologize again. As a token of forgiveness, please take this baby.

Out of the way, Midge. Oh, am I in the way? Yes, yes, you're in the way! Are you daft, woman? Sorry. I didn't realize I was in the way. You're still in the way. You don't seem to be moving at all. Oh, for cryin' out loud, just knock her ass down. Way to shove, Edna. Let us roll.

Hey, kids. i made your favorite cookies. Christmas trees for the girls and bloody spearheads for Bart. Aw, thanks, Mom.

From my face Losing control, yeah I'm all over the place What I'm trying to say in this cartoon... is that violence is everywhere in our society-- You know, it's, like, even in breakfast cereals, man.

I would be proud if one of the eggs I sold turned out like you.

Why, you are gorgeous.

who taught us that if it feels good, do it.

Never! It was a gift from Newsweek! Homer! Give me back my wife! Okay. Okay. You win.

Come on, Chalmie. You fired Skinner for less than this.

but oil spills are threatening this delicate ecosystem. Hey! Without oil, you wouldn't have your fancy four-wheel drives. You want to go back to two-wheel drive? Well, do ya? I didn't mean to steal focus.

i can't hear you!

Hmm? Oh, now where are those three chandelier hangers I hired? You mutton head! This is why we can never hold down a job. Look at Shemp. He is so high!

Why? Why? My only son. Daddy, what's the red stuff coming out of kitty's ears?

(BOTH SCREAM) LISA: Ooh! (SIREN BLOWING) Oh! Thank God for that Turkish freighter.

Good night, Dad. I had a nice time today. Me too, honey. Can I watch football with you again next Sunday? Sure. It gets rid of the unpleasant aftertaste of church. See how good things happen if you make a little effort? Point well taken. Could you loosen my blanket a little?

"All extra-curricular activities are hereby canceled, "to be replaced by nothing!" (ALL GASPING) Who would sign such an order?

What a wonderful evening. A magical way for two people to renew their love. Marge is right. Uh, I've got something I'd like to say. Would you guys do a favor for a guy in love? - Sure. - Yeah. That's why we're here.

This leash demeans us both. I'll take two! I'll take a dozen! I represent the Precious Baby Discount Stores.

My hands are shaking. Better than your eyes bursting. Do it again. Make the walls bleed. What ? - No. - Hey, man, we own you. Let's see some blood. - I don't have to entertain you. - Come on, man. Do it. Do the blood thing. Come on. Do it. - Do it, do it, do it, do it ! - Why are you trying to scare us ?

Bart, quit it! I can keep this up all day.

Why should I go inside? The world is my toilet now.

than boys, and when-- Hello, handsome. What's up, cootie breath? Look at those stupid city slickers, with their fur coats and pointy hats. Homer, those are elk. I still hate them! Go back to Grosse Pointe!

Long story. Good one. Folks, you have three weeks left on a nonrefundable weight-loss treatment. So if anybody else in the family wants to use it, use it now. But who else needs to lose weight? Maggie? Grampa? My seldom seen half-brother, Herb? Why is everyone looking at me?

Are you hiding something from me? Like what? judging from your song, you're infatuated... with a woman named Mindy or a man named Andy. Lisa, look out behind you! Dad, I'm not gonna fall for that. No, Lisa, I swear to you! I'm 100% completely serious! You've gotta turn around right now before it's too late! - Huh? - Sucker!

We've lined up a fabulous type of gorilla that thrives on snake meat. Then we're stuck with gorillas! No, that's the beautiful part. When wintertime rolls around, the gorillas simply freeze to death. Hmm. I'm proud of you, boy. Mmm. Loganberry.

Oh, so plump and juicy. Mmm! He's gonna boil up nicely. Well, I guess this is it, old pal. This is your big day.

And answer those phones, install the computer system, and rotate my office so the window faces the hills. Uh-huh, uh-huh. Okay. Um, can you repeat the part of the stuff... where you said all about the... things? Uh, the things?

Gee. Everything always works out for you. Oh! Oh, my God. Let me help you up. Marge, you're trying to hurt me. What? That's crazy. No, it's true. The car, the soup-- It's like you hate me. Your own husband.

The essence of drama is conflict. That's why they gave me this Taser.

Hmm? Uhh! What the-- Eww! D'oh! Soup's on, fat boy! Ooh! Ow! Hey! No! No! Help! No! Ow! No! Yo, Andy, no!

Homer, lighten up.

the producers animated several solutions that were never intended to air. And to keep the show's animators, editors, staff and hangers-on from leaking the solution,

A million dollars? Thanks, Bart. I owe you one. That's a post-dated check, remember. Don't cash it till the year 10,000. Okay.

Gonna dig me A hole gonna dig me A hole - gonna put A nerd in it - gonna put A nerd in it gonna take A firecracker gonna take A firecracker This is so exciting. I can't wait to see what we find. I must admit, it is rather exciting. And--

Wait a minute. Go back. Zoom in. Why is that man in pink?! That's Homer Simpson-- a boob from Sector 7-G.

w' They're not listening stillp w' Perhaps they never wills

I'm outta here. Me too.

Oh, now, be fair, Edna. I liked Armin Tamzarian too, but he was at least as big a weenie as Sergeant Skinner. But he was our weenie. Now, there was a weenie... you could be proud to call your son. Did you ever tell him that? Hmm.

Honey, I'm so glad you're home. Can't talk. See Flanders.

Lisa, I want to buy your rock. Whoo-hoo! A perfect day! Zero bears and one big, fat, hairy paycheck.

Can I have a lollipop? Oh, Bart, I'm afraid that was the last one.

You got to hide me. Death is after me. And I don't entirely trust these cowboys. Is this man an employee? Of course not. He's just a harmless maniac... here to remind us of the precious gift of sanity. Oh, God! What's he doing?

The Court of infernal Affairs is now in session. Very well. But first, some ground rules. Number one: We get bathroom breaks every half hour. Agreed. Number two: The jury will be chosen by me. Agreed. No, wait!

Alex, over here! Okay if the new girl sits with us? - Oh! - Okay, I guess.

Five thousand dollars on--

Why don't you learn how to fly? But I love you. (LAUGHING EVILLY)

These courtside seats are great. Thanks for the hookup, Wolfie. I just want my daughter to be happy. Plus you eat the pretzels I drop on the floor. That I do, sir. Bart, my school's having a dance. It's-- It's pretty lame.

Well, the fabric really brings out the red in your neck. Yup. It's coming along, huh? You should see it in August after the horseflies been getting at it. Hoo-man! Dang, I wish I could. But in August, our chain gang has to dig for tar. Well, now. I might could switch you to dead animal pick up. Hey!

Mayor unveils erection to cheering crowd. This week's Oops Patrol T-shirt goes to... Whom? Whom? Mrs. Marge Simpson of Springfield! Ta-dah! Mom made the Oops Patrol! Hot damn! Bart, you're not at school, don't swear.

Hey, Lis. Lisa. It's me-- Bart ! Bart ? - Where are you ? - Shh ! I'm on the roof !

Why don't you eat something a little more nutritious ? Nonsense, Marge. Frosty Krusty Flakes are what got him where he is today. It could be one of these chemicals here that makes him so smart. Lisa, maybe you should try some of this. Homer ! I'm just saying why not have two geniuses in the family ? Sort of a spare in case Bart's brain blows up.

Talk to the whip. On your knees, ya mugs! It's the pharaoh! Ah, excellent progress, Slave Driver Willie. - Kudos on your whipping. - Oh, he noticed! Ay! Suffering sarcophagus! My tomb! Who did this?

Remember kids, Drunken Cowboy brand whiskey is smooth as milk! I'm not sure I approve of selling whiskey to children. Well, that ad was aimed at children who were already heavy drinkers. Oh.

There's a big dumb animal I love more than that horse. What is it, a hippopotamus? I mean you, you dummy. Oh. Apu, you can take this job and restaff it. Giddy-up, Dad!

Wait, kids. You can't give up on Itchy and Scratchy. You're always so good at these things. Why, together you've reunited Krusty with his father, gotten Principal Skinner his job back... and helped Dr. Riviera perform open heart surgery on your father. You've even foiled Sideshow Bob on five separate occasions, and he's an evil genius.

Too bad. You ain't gettin' it !

Oh, good idea. Let's see-- bass, bass. Tiny Tim, The Chipmunks' Greatest Hits, A Castrato Christmas. Can't get enough of youR love, baBe Mr. White! Can we borrow you for a minute? Anything... for a lady.

Oh, no! Boy, dumping your kids in the forest sure gets your hands dusty. What? You threw our precious babies into the woods?

Paint my chicken coop! Make me!

That didn't go well, did it? Good thing those lesbians knew C.P.R. Oh, what's the use?

Well, I'm convinced. A professional-looking film like that has gotta be right. I agree. Two area codes is more convenient.

Okay, look cool. Wait a minute. You're all from Russia? Da! - And you really think I'm attractive, huh? - Da. I don't know. What's so great about this oxygen bar? Yeah, I think I'm gettin' the bends. Whoa.

I'm outta here. You fool! Look what you've done! Well, now it's my turn. Don't do it, L.T.! You leave me no choice! No!

Death is a part of baseball. Oh, yeah. The main part.

Well, all right. Play friendly with your new teacher, children. Howdy. I am a Texas cowboy. The year is 1830. You young 'uns ask me any questions you like. Can we play kick ball instead of science after lunch ? Kick ball ? Son, there ain't no kick ball in 1830. Any other questions ? Shoot, it's awfully quiet on the plains here.

I'm choking it down. Isn't that thanks enough? Sometimes I don't know why I bother. I'm in.

If the baby's a boy what do you think of the name Larry? We can't do that. All the kids will call him Larry Fairy. Well, how about Louis? They'll call him Screwy Louie. - Bob? - Slob. - Luke? - Puke.

Well, that's the first case I've ever seen... of a man suffering four simultaneous heart attacks.

Where is he ? I thought he said noon. He's just doing this to build the suspense. Whoa, what a showman. Look ! There he is !

Ah, for some reason, Moe's always closed on Wednesdays. "And then they realized they were no longer little girls. They were little women." Come on. Come on! just give 'em the slop and let's get out of here.

How ironic. Now he's blind, after a life of enjoying being able to see. Well, it wasnt easy, honey. But I'm glad you love me again. - Yeah. But whets gonna happen to the animals? - Dont worry, honey.

I was always proud... that you weren't a short man. Aw, Dad. Oh.

His spirit is my collateral. just sign this form and the money will be yours. Sorry, I was just thinking of something funny Smithers did today. I didn't do anything funny, sir. Shut up.

Lenny and Carl. Aw, nuts! I mean, um-- Aw, nuts! Fong and Sutroy.

Hey, you lost your money fair and square. I didn't scam nobody. Put down your stick. We're here to work. Starting today, we're carnies, just like you. Well, in that case, let me show you how I scammed you. Have a seat. Spud, throw a couple more apples in the caramel.

Oh, Homer. I love you too. Mmmwha ! A little predinner entertainment. Moe's Tavern. Is Oliver there ? Who ? Oliver Klozoff. Hold on. I'll check. Oliver Klozoff !

Commence bio-duplication.

Whoa! It's like Speed 2, only with a bus instead of a boat.

I learned to be completely self-reli-- ant. Oh, and as for that brutish fellow who knocked me out the window, see that he gets what's coming to him. I already have, sir. What'd you get that for? For knocking Mr. Burns out of a third-story window. Makes sense to me.

Buck McCoy? He was the greatest of them all! He was bigger than opium! I met one of my heroes today. She started the first-- Buck McCoy! I still carry this. "Junior Buckaroo 2nd Class. Little Grampa Simpson." Cool!

Hello, everybody! Sparkle, sparkle. Bart! An earring. How rebellious. In a conformist sort of way. What on earth possessed you to get an earring?

All right, Moses. Lead your people! Flush!

We gotta pick up my slacks at that dry cleaner in Shelbyville. Why can't you use the local dry cleaner? Uh, I didn't want them to know my size. Thanks for picking my friends up from the strip club, Marge. Can we stop for ice cream? Homer always stops for ice cream. We'll see. That always means no. Mmm!

like when I visited a state park. Indeed, how about a national park? Why yes. I've got it all on this dictabelt. Move in, boys! What's going on?

Ooh, oops. I've said too much. Smithers, use the amnesia ray. You mean, the revolver, sir? Precisely. Be sure to wipe your own memory clear when you're finished.

You are fully bonded and licensed by the city, aren't you, Mr. Plow? Shut up, boy. So, remember-- Call Mr. Plow that's my name that name again is Mr. Plow Well, john Q. Driveway has our number. Now we play the waiting game.

Just hear those sleigh bells jingling Cease and desist.

Tie game? What the hell? This is outrageous! Oh, I've never been so proud of them. Ahhh. They're both losers. Losers! Rip-off! We paid for blood!

But I'm a real tightwad. Can I afford this remarkable system? Absolutely. My prices are so low, you'll think I've suffered brain damage. You are fully bonded and licensed by the city, aren't you, Mr. Plow? Shut up, boy.

That's not so disciplined. They're just children, Mr. Simpson. I guess. "Truth is beauty, beauty, truth," sir. They're discussing poetry. Oh, we never do that at my school. But the truth can be harsh and disturbing.

Hmm. Lisa, I cant help but wonder ifthis is a bit of a put-on. Why, whatever do you mean? Whoa! Huh? What? Go, Aberdeen! Hey, you cant blame Principal Skinner... for wanting to feature his best student.

Whoo. I don't think he'll be doin' no encores for a while.

Well, sir, I hate to be a suspicious Aloysius on you, but did you steal my air conditioner? Well, I admit it looks bad, Flanders, but haven't you heard of...

You got the black one.

My darling, i This was a wonderful idea, Homie. Can't get enough of your love, babe Hey, there's a turkey behind the bed! Mmm. Marge.

But I'll allow it.

distasteful and puerile by a panel of hillbillies, "whacking Day." Oh, no, no! In a tradition that dates back to... founding father jebediah Springfield, every May 10, local residents gather... to drive snakes into the center of town and whack them to snake heaven.

I got the album. Here. You can listen to it on this. I did the best I could, Bleeding Gums.

Mrs. Bouvier! Mrs. Bouvier! Mrs. Bouvier!

Oh, it's no good. Everything reminds me of Marge.

I don't get it. I don't get it.

Insemination complete. Really? That seemed awfully quick. What are you implying? Nothing. Nothing. Whoa. Wow. Look at the time. I'd love to stay, but I have an early meeting tomorrow. You're a super girl though. I'll call you sometime.

What a beautiful garden. - It's almost like paradise. - Heads up! Whee! Well, hello. Aren't you hurt? Of course not. There's no pain in the Garden of Eden.

He's Rowdy Roddy Peeper. Oh, that man is sick!

That's all of it. Sign here. There you are, my man. And a dollar for yourself. A buck. I'm glad there's a curse on this place. Huh ?

Hey, good Squishies. What flavor did you get ? Blue.

I mean, stop blowing your sax. Your sax. Stop it. Mom, I'm auditioning for first chair in the school band, and I've got to practice. I'm sorry, but I sacrificed a very expensive camera just to get some quiet time. Fine. I'll play outside.

Oh, honey, I've missed you too. Homer, is that an old Halloween costume? Uh, no. So, how are things at home? We flushed the gator down the toilet, but it got stuck halfway. Now we have to feed it. I'll bet you want a piece of me.

There's no such thing. Marge, the boy's wasting valuable time. Come change the channel and pat my head.

Oh! Oh! Reporter Cletus, Outhouse Times-Picayune. Is there any persons, critters or spells to which you attribute this accolade? There's one person I'd like to thank for this. We've had our ups and downs, but I can't imagine life without him.

Ooh, that looks scrumdiddly-doodly-duddley-- Get lost! A rude Frenchman? Well, I never! Ooh! Sweet!

Don't worry. I'll tell everybody you were untouchable. Whoa. Whoo! Well, Sanjay, never have I partied so hearty. Same time next year, yeah? Yes!

where local pinhead, Homer Simpson, is on the verge of a perfect game! Hey, there was no accident at the plant. Dad just wanted to go bowling. He shouldn't have deceived me, but I'm just so relieved Lenny's okay. This could be the greatest individual achievement in the history of Springfield.

Would you look at this? The straggler, Duncan, has exploded out of the gate and is making a big move!

I-- I didn't-- Attention. This is Principal Skinner, your principal, with a message from the principal's office. All students please proceed immediately to an assembly... in the Butthead Memorial Auditorium. Damn it, I wish we hadn't let the students name that one.

That's ridiculous. You do nothing but play God. And I think your "octo-parrot" would agree. Polly shouldn't be. Look. What if we gave you the name of an unlicensed surgeon? Oh, that would be heaven. Say-- Moe Szyslak?

Sir, are you all right? l have eaten the ribs of God!

Hi. 'Sup? Who's that? I don't know. Some kid. Hey! I like your hat. A compliment! Scanning for sarcasm. It's clean. Go! Thanks. Um, you guys skate?

How does it feel to be nominated for Teacher of the Year? I can't believe it. This after I accidentally showed the R-rated Romeo and Juliet. I thought that nipple would haunt me forever. Oh! Oh! Reporter Cletus, Outhouse Times-Picayune.

The Weather Service has upgraded Springfield's blizzard... from winter wonderland to a class-three kill storm.

Hey, give me some of that! Mom! Bart sprayed whipped cream in my eye! I did not. Kids, cut it out! All right. Hey! Come on, Mom. just cut across the field.

Dumber, sir. They won't give up the Bear Patrol, but they won't pay taxes for it either. Ducking this issue calls for real leadership.

But don't worry. I put him in a nice hot bath. Hey, what smells so good? Yeah-- Pinchy? Pinchy? Oh! Pinchy!

Homer! Sorry. Sorry. Don't worry. There's plenty I can do to keep myself occupied. Maybe I'll check out that ax collection. See ya later. Mom, is Dad gonna kill us? We're just gonna have to wait and see.

I-i-i think I swallowed a toothpick! Finally, I just stopped caring. Luckily, by then it was the '80s, and no one noticed.

Uh... figure of speech. Sorry, Harv. I'll be back. Good for you, Moe. Only an idiot would give away a million-dollar idea like that. Ohhh.

Sweetheart, maybe you just want Krusty to be alive so badly... you think you see him everywhere. I went through the same thing when Lyndon johnson died.

May I help you ? We're just browsing. Thank you.

I collect pictures of cakes that I clip out of the magazines. It all started in 1941, when Good Housekeeping featured a photo of a lovely cake. You wouldn't happen to have any real cakes around here, would you? Oh, my, no! I don't care for cake. Too sweet.

Well, I really enjoyed my time here, Superintendent. May the Lord bless and keep you. - Yeah, take it outside, God boy. - Okilly-dokilly.

except they're on the Gabbo Show now. So, here's Eastern Europe's favorite cat and mouse team, Worker and Parasite!

I don't hear scrubbing! If your soul's real, where is it? It's kinda in here, and when you sneeze, that's your soul trying to escape. Saying "God bless you" crams it back in, and when you die it squirms out and flies away. Uh-huh. What if you die in a submarine at the bottom of the ocean?

Marge, it's as plain as the bruise on my shin. There's no place for me here. Where you going, Reverend? The towns that way. Reverend? You’re going the wrong way! I'm sorry, Ned.

That's it! She is off the Christmas card list! Marge, that's crazy talk! Now, look, I'll save Lisa. Your place is here with the women. WOMEN: Boo! Okay, you go save Lisa. I'll stay here with the women. WOMEN: Boo! What do women want?

(LAUGHING) You know, the fish here are so friendly, you can walk right up and feed them. Hmm. (CHUCKLES) Well, howdy, little feller. (GROWLS) Ow! Oh! Ow! Oh! I can't wait till this is over! Ow!

Everyone, flare your nostrils in olfactory anticipation! Oh, man. The plant cut one. Bart, plants dont- Whew!

we were playing with bottle rockets... and one shot straight up my nose. I permanently lost my sense of taste and smell. Okay, we've got cocktail weenies and Swedish meatballS. this wedding is spinning out of control. I've run through eight of the ten dollars... they gave me when I left prison.

Now you'll have someone who'll rub your back without being asked. Ugh! Not this again. Yes, this again. You know, Homer, Edna was bugging me and bugging me to set a date.

Ooh! If I could just-- Ooh! This is really not-- Ooh! You're hurting my-- Ooh!

It was only a dream. Bart! Is that you? Yes! Take out the garbage.

Oh, nicely played, sir. Attention, passengers. The train has been temporarily delayed... because of a discarded couch on the tracks. Yes, it looks like some sort of a couch. Oh, this may take a while, Smithers. Why don't you get drunk and stumble around comically for my amusement?

Nothing to see here, people. just headed down to the dump with these children's letters to God.

Well, sir, Homer's illness was either caused by ingesting spoiled food... or-- some sort of voodoo curse. Hey, we've just been working the eyes. Your old meat made me sick! Oh, I'm so sorry. Please accept five pounds of frozen shrimp.

- Let's go again! Let's go again! - No!

Hey, the baby just spit up. Welcome back to the final day of this-- the 23rd Olympiad, brought to you by Krusty Burger. You people are pigs!

It's one of those nude female fire stations. Oh, I'd always be second place to some kitten stuck in a tree. Let's go, Smithers. Smithers? Aah! Aah! Aah!

Hey. I wonder how much air is in here. Well, Seymour, I made it-- despite your directions. Ah. Superintendent Chalmers. Welcome. I hope you're prepared for an unforgettable luncheon. Yeah.

Poor Selma. You were having... such a lovely evening... And then I went and spoiled it all by doing something stupid like explode you sideshow Bob, I'm afraid the only victims here...

Why, I could wrap a bow around you and slap on a price tag. I love the nightlife Come on, Homer. Join the party. Mom, John loves Itchy and Scratchy as much as we do. Maybe more. Yeah. And he collects toy robots.

So television's responsible. Hey, we were watching that ! Mom, what are you doing ? Well, you won't be watching these cartoons anymore, ever !

I did it! I supercharged my riding mower!

Uh, Marge-- you still got that deposit check?

Hey, hey! Run, Bart!

Hmm. Ahhh ! Ahhh ! Homer ?

Hey. Almost tripped over this thing.

hopefully not forever. This sucks!

Young man, where I come from, the South, folks say "please." And besides, I gotta go sing a medley with Rob Lowe and Stump. Dolly, wait! Wally? You know Dolly Parton? Yeah. I book a lot of package tours to Dollywood and EuroDollywood. That's in Alabama. Wally Kogen!

I'm sorry, Lisa. Apology accepted.

Every bone... shattered, organs... leaking vital fluids, a slight headache, loss of appetite.

Yeah, hi. I got a special delivery for Homer Simpson. That's me! Don't write no more letters to Mr. Sinatra.

Good morning, world. Eat my shorts. CLANCY: There'll be no shorts eaten today, young man. Bart Simpson, this is a restraining order. From now on, you must stay at least 20 feet away from your sister. Restraining order? Bull spit.

I'm getting a cramp in my wrist! Oh, boo-hoo. After all the times I've done it, my wrist sounds like a cement mixer. Ow! Come on, Seymour.

What the-- What are you doing inside? Work was hard, so we quit. What? Hard work made us quit. I see.

Stop! Leave Milhouse alone. Help me out here, Bart. I don't know, Lise. To be honest, that verdict made me pretty angry. Bart's with us, law girl. Step aside. Hey, man. Leave my sister alone! Oh, so you're one of them. So be it. Kill the dorks!

Everyone sucks but me.

Whew! Ahh! "Grace under pressure... is no--"

Mmm... hmm. You new? Yes. My name is Frank Grimes. I'm Lenny. This is Carl and Homer. I'm Lenny. How do you do? Wow. You've got pencils with your name on 'em.

People, we went through something magical together... and it's not important who got rich off of whom...

What the... Dad, Mr. Burns cut our power! Now, I can't print my paper! These batteries have to power everything in our house! Yo, I'll tell you what I want what I really, really want

Close one this year.

Yes. You probably recognize it from the film Calling All Coeds. Ohh! Is that where Boozer drank the pee? It's one of the places. Whee! Whee! Whee! Whee! Sorry.

Dad, there's a bug on that. Eh. Come on, come on!

Mr. Burns is gone. And tonight was the night I was gonna show him my tattoo. (SOBBING)

I've become enchanted and illusioned with Washington.

Sit tight and try to get some sleep.

- So I think I'll stay right here, neighbor. - Is that so? Well, sleazy entertainment and raunchy jokes... will never be as popular as sobriety and self-denial. You're about to learn the two most dangerous words... in the English language are "Marge Simpson."

Ah, Bobo. Bobo. Ah! Oh, it's you. The bedpan's under my pillow. Who's... Bobo, sir? Bobo? I, uh, meant Lobo. Uh, Sheriff Lobo. They never should have canceled that show.

It's true. We are aliens, but what are you going to do about it?

as long as they play "Fist of Rage." That's a good song. Oh, thank goodness! Where were you? Guess how many boobs I saw today, Marge? Fifteen! Ohh!

You wrecked Hitler's car. What did he ever do to you?

So this is your mysterious new job for Mr. Burns. Yes. I humiliate myself for fistfuls of cash. Oh, Dad, you have to stop. I know. Well done, monkey.

Maybe it was one of the other Barts. There are no other Barts ! Uh-oh. The sheer contempt demonstrated by this incident... makes me wish I could pull the dusty board of education out of retirement. Call your father immediately. Hello ? Is Homer there ? Homer who ? Homer... Sexual.

Blah. Blee. Bleh. Stupid animals.

Daddy, ask the man for some candy. No, no. No candy for you. Well, at least get some candy for yourself. Kids. Here's your candy.

I mean, I never miss Pardon My Zinger. Burns cost me my groundskeeping job at the school. And I'm too superstitious to take the one at the cemetery. Uh, 'cause of him, I lost my room, my things... and my buddy's collection of old sunbathing magazines. You bastard! I lost my bar. I lost his bar.

Dead man comin' through. Well, well, well. Our dashing young junior executive. You made a hollow mockery of our morning meeting, Simpson. I should fire you on the spot !

Sisters are doing it for themselves Hey, why is this door locked? Oh, no. It's Dad. What's going on?

Dad took us antiquing. Yeah. And along the way, we took photos of interesting doors and gates.

Okay, that was not cool. We need to lay down some ground rules. We'll get to that. Right now, I think we need some time apart. All right, that's it. Shoo, you stupid crows! Shoo! Shoo! Shoo!

It's settled. The stranger stays with us. Yea!

Now class, I don't want this Field trip to be a repeat of our infamous visit... to the Springfield State Prison. So, I want you all to be on your best behavior,

Get him! Get him! Get him!

That always means no.

Hey, Abe, you want to hook up after the show? Yeah! To a suicide machine!

Yeah! Now hold on, Kang. You can't bully my audience with your fancy ray gun. And now for my final thought. Nobody wins when parents put their petty squabbles above the welfare of a child.

Now, let's have no more curiosity about this bizarre Cover-up. Remember, class, the worse you do on this standardized test,

Okay, what restaurant did we review? Well, we went to PÂtÉ LaBelle last week. How about that? Great. Now, let me think. The food was-- Mmm-- not undelicious. The food is delicious. That's brilliant. Then I had the sweet, sweet chocolate mousse.

Silence! And why is a cafeteria worker posing as a nurse? I get two paychecks this way. D'oh.

Oh, two grapes ? Who cares ? just charge me something, please. Yeah, okay, all right. I need a price check on two grapes. Yeah, you heard me, Phil. Two measly, stinkin' grapes.

Now here's a tip from Blanche you won't regret A stranger's just a friend you haven't met You haven't met Streetcar!

Here, the solution is a square. Here, you're telling her the answer is California Condor. So Maggie's not a genius? She could be at sweeping up hair. (CHUCKLES) That's my baby, jerk! Ow! You call that a punch? I felt it, but it was like, "So what?"

Cloud goes up. Cloud goes down. Cloud goes up. Cloud goes down. Bed goes up. Bed goes down.

Request permission to slink by. Permission pending. First, light our cigarettes. But you're already smoking cig-- You're really pushing it.

I'm Bart's partner. No! No, no, no. You're my partner. Dude, I think the lady's made her decision. I'm sorry, Homie. We'll talk about it later, okay? No!

You know, these hamburgers are quite similar to the ones they have at Krusty Burger. Oh, no. Patented Skinner burgers. Old family recipe. For steamed hams. Yes. Yes. And you call them steamed hams despite the fact that they are obviously grilled.

Boy, I can't believe you got expelled! Well, don't expect to spend all week lying around on the couch like a bum! 'Cause that's my thing! Bart, a school-sponsored medieval festival is supposed to be the best day of a young girl's life. And you ruined it! You deserved to be expelled! I didn't do it!

Oh, no! Those are my numbers. If it wasn't for that dog, I would have won.

Yeah, right. I did 'em while you were studying. Ow! Oh! Ow! Dad, are you okay? Yeah. In fact, I feel fantastic! That trash can must've unkinked your back!

What's inside you right now? Guts. And black stuff. And about 50 Slim jims. Come on, Nelson. You must think and feel things. I mean, look where we are--

Homer Simpson and Mindy Simmons. Huh? Homer, Mindy, you've just won a romantic dinner alone at Madame Chao's, the sexiest Chinese restaurant in Capital City! Is there any way to get out of this? No.

Rabbi, should I buy a Chrysler? Could you rephrase that as an ethical question? Um... is it right to buy a Chrysler?

If he's not careful, his scooter could roll right down that ramp. He's a daredevil, Ned. He laughs at death. Whoa. When I wanna laugh, I'll take Bob Saget, thank you very much. And now, the indestructible Lance Murdock will jump his "SuiCycle"... over an audience member--

Then came my big break. A Talmudic conference in the Catskills. I was the entertainment. But the lord works in mysterious ways.

Till 1796 I was Hans Sprungfeld, murderous pirate. And the half-wits of this town will never learn the truth. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! "Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!" Oh, my God. Our town hero is a fraud.

And will the harlequin in the third row please keep his voice down? Sorry, folks. - Sorry, Your Majesty. - Hmph! Dear kids, I hope this letter finds you well.

Everybody! Grey skies are gonna clear up stick out that noble Chin wipe off that full-of-doubt look slap on A happy grin

Maude? Rod? Todd? I'm right here, Daddy. Oh, Neddy, it was terrifying. I thought I was headed for the eternal bliss of paradise.

If you don't use it responsibly, kablammo! Ow! Someone just punched me in the face!

Pushy dolphins. I-I-I tuned out. Where-Where we going? Wait! Stop! We can outsmart those dolphins! Don't forget we invented computers, leg warmers, bendy straws, peel-and-eat shrimp, the glory hole and the pudding cup.

Well, it appears science has faltered once again... in the face of overwhelming religious evidence.

Uh, um... What do you think "some" is? Uh, toys? (SIGHS) I thought I'd never have to do this, but it's time to tell you the facts of life. Do you know what a boob is? Oh, yeah. Good. That'll save us some time. Okay.

You took a picture of me when I was asleep? Well, if you'd been awake, you would've said no! You can see the bind I was in. "Her turn-ons include thievery and liquor. Her turnoffs include underpants, pedestrians and justice." Oh!

But where am I supposed to live? Lisa, what's your favorite movie?

All right, brain. It's all up to you. If you don't think of what it is, we'll lose Marge forever. Eat the pudding. Eat the pudding-- Eat the pudding. Eat the pudding-- Okay, but then we gotta get to work.

Okay, how many of you kids would like Itchy and Scratchy... to deal with real-life problems like the ones you face every day? Great idea! Yeah, that's it! And who would like to see them do just the opposite-- getting into far-out situations involving robots and magic powers?

I've never seen such recklessness! You might've hurt someone! Are you some kind of moron? Yeah, but-- Hey, yutz. Guns aren't toys. They're for family protection, hunting dangerous or delicious animals, and keeping the king of England out of your face.

Hi. I'm Phoney McRingring, mascot and president of the telephone company. I'm here to explain why the convenience of one area code in... Your town. has been replaced by the convenience of two area codes. Uh, I have a question, Phoney.

(ALL GASPING) It was those guys! Come! Let us kill them before learning of the magical secret which they possess! MEN: Get them!

I want to confess. I killed and robbed the old lady all by myself. Marge is completely innocent. The only thing she's guilty of is loving too much... the murder I did. Hmm.

Look, Cookie. There's a dance tonight. A dance? A dance?

Oh, isn't that cute. A baby driving a car. And look. There's a dog driving a bus. Hey!

- Wow, neat! - Uh-oh! Hey, Simpson, wanna trade belts? Well, not really, 'cause yours is just a piece of extension cord. Hey, dude, he's raggin' on your cord. Get him! No running! Time for a little evasive action.

All right, perps. We know you're in here somewhere.

Let's matriculate. You college boys are only interested in one thing. - Mmm. Mmm. - Mmm. Mmm. Whoa. You're supposed to hang your necktie on the doorknob if you got a girl in the room. Or a ski hat if you've got a picture of a girl.

I've come to watch your power flowin'. That's odd. Mr. Smithers left his jacket behind. Whoa, that's odd. Principal Skinner left his mother behind.

Wait a minute. Homer!

Flying safely through the air Oh, my God! The ants are shorting out our naVigation system! Ants, huh? We had quite a severe ant problem at the Vineyard this year. I had Art Garfunkle come by with his compressor,

If the passengers will look to the right, you will see a sad man. That is all.

Dad? You are so dead. No! Come here, you little-- Stop it. You're killing me!

you're going to have to resign as president. I'll have that milk now. Easy there. That's whole milk. I'm a private citizen now! I can drink what I like! You won't have Martin Prince to kick around anymore! (SOLEMN MUSIC PLAYING)

Haven't we been humiliated enough? Not yet, no. Today the judge wants you to bend over, so people can spank you from their cars. Well, that explains the sign. Yeah! Ooh, here comes a car. Yarr, ya scurvy dogs!

All rise for the verdict. Son, I just want you to know whatever that judge decides... I'm gonna be the best dad I can. No judge would send a preteen out on his Own-

Oh! Saturday afternoon TV is so boring.

Uh-oh. My old man can't get a beer because his old man won't give a bear to another old man. - Let's get him! - Wait! Why are we gettin' him? Look, fellas. The first snapdragon of the season. Never mind! - Let's just get him! - Yeah! Uh!

My Dear Watson Detective School.

And all those other pranks were my idea too. I'm the one who should be expelled.

I guess you learned your lesson, so now I'll untie you. The second you untie me, I'm gonna beat you to death, man. Well, if that's gonna be your attitude, I'm not gonna untie you. Ha ! You're gonna have to sometime. Uh-oh. He's right.

w'w'f Get Smart Theme]

I'm an orphan. I'm a legal guardian. (PHONE RINGING) How can I be a parent? I break my teeth on ribbon candy.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

But I'm sure we can prove 'em wrong by spending the weekend there. Hididilly-ho, neighbor! Get lost, Flanders. Okilly-dokilly. See, I told ya. There's nothin' to worry about.

Good-bye, Maggie. Stay as sweet as you are.

That's no way to light a fire ! Where's your kindling ? This thing's gonna be roaring anytime now. Even a caveman could start a fire.

School dance? I didn't approve any school dance. Yes, you did. Yesterday, right by my locker. - Oh, yeah. Yes. Um, carry on. - Oh!

Furious George! What have they done to your beautiful face? Ohh, there, there. Smithers, this monkey is going to need most of your skin.

You must be a devil with the ladies. Hey, I-- That-- Oh. Gee, I hate to let you down, Casanova, but, uh, no receipt, no return. I'll give you four bucks for it. Very well. I must hurry back to my comic book store,

That's right. It's Bi-Mon-Sci-Fi-Con. Come meet all your favorite stars: Mark Hamill, Alf, and many more.

It'll, uh, be a few minutes. So, what brings you to my home? Well, Mr. Burns, you always come off as kind of a gruff, crotchety loner. But we both know that deep down inside-- Ha-ha! It's still cold. Oh.

How can he rebel? He doesn't even know where he is. Uh-oh. Sounds like one of the babies has a fever. Dance fever that is. Let's hear it for Dazzle.

Buffalo gals, won't you come out tonight come out tonight come out tonight Who's that old rummy? Before his dog got sick that old rummy used to be my best customer.

"You are my brother. "I love you. "And yet I feel a great sadness... in my bosom."

I disagree. Would you care to bet a million dollars? Why don't we make it interesting? What, a million dollars isn't interesting? Did you say a million? I'm sorry. My mind was elsewhere. I thought you would start with a small amount, we would bait each other, and-- You know how it goes.

truly your forgiveness I implore. But the fact is I was napping, and so gently you came rapping, and so faintly you came tapping, tapping at my chamber door, that I scarce was sure I heard you. Dare I open wide the door ? Ooh, ooh ! This better be good. Darkness there, and nothing more.

Isn't that something?

What are you doing? Playing Hot Wheels.

We've got no car. We've got no money. And no one knows we're here! We're stranded!

(CHOKING) (BOTH LAUGHING)

Dear Lord! It's a demon bird!

Not I, the man who drafted the Paris Peace Accords. - Mm-hmm. Mmm. - Mm. Huh. Mmm. Hmm. Sir, bad news from Accounting. The economy's hit us pretty hard.

Of course. Simpson, you've done it again.

I got a mink chamois, sir. I hope that--

w' Who ieit the milk out; ; Yuck, yuck, yuck-yuck; J Dad left the milk out Yuck, yuck, yuck-yuck; That's good satire. It doesnt hurt anyone. - What do you think, Maggie? - w' Yuck, yuck, yuck-yuckjj

Maybe. But first I need to hear about some other crimes to get me fired up. You mean like the time you was running moonshine out of your basement? Or that telemarketing scam you pulled? Uh, like those. But involving you. Oh. You mean like the time Barney beat up George Bush?

A shinier new dime! Excuse me. My refrigeration unit is broken. Could you possibly eat some free ice cream? What flavor? Why, super chocolate, of course. Oh, yes. This day just keeps getting better and better.

Oh, Lord, please help me say the right words this afternoon, as I consecrate another gay union that angers you so. And please let thy holy spirit open the heart of my wife. Amen. I just can't believe my sister would keep me in the dark all these years, then expect complete acceptance on the day she gets married.

Wha-- Pink pages always mean a dream. I thought dreams was on goldenrod. No, goldenrod is for coma fantasies. I see. So, uh, what time tomorrow?

You listen to your friends, but you never listen to me. Hey, that's great.

you tell them you'll leave the money under the big net in the park. And then down comes the net. Right, Chief? Hey, I like it. I like it a Lot. Hmm?

(CAR REVVING) Jeepers! It's 50 Cent. Yo, B. I heard you throw down on stage. Wanna join my world tour? Sorry, Fitty. I have school tomorrow. You're right. The more you know, the further you go.

The most satisfying part was knowing that they waited. Nine months later Fluffy gave birth to 14 beautiful bunnies. Eight survive. And now that you know how it's done... don't do it.

my supply of homespun sayings is lower than a doodlebug in Aunt Tillie's root cellar. So we'll-- Oh, jumpin' crawdaddies! is that Lubchenko coming back on the field? Yea! Bart did it. And they're gonna try for a field goal. A field goal? Hmm, 19, 20, 21--

This is a job for the Green Lantern, Thundra, or possibly... Ghost Rider. - What about Superman? - Oh, please.

Excuse me. Is this room 106? Hey, who's that? I-- I don't know. Why do birds suddenly appear Every time you are near

I know a great name tag place. They do fabulous work. It's where I got this. So our relationship is over. Is that what you're saying? Yes, I'm afraid so. Well, we had fun. Hey, Apu, I think she likes you.

like the earth plums we have seen on the observe-a-scope. Ow! Careful, not the face.

Kids, your father made us breakfast! Yay! Go, go, go, go, gol Okay!

Oh, no. What have I done ? I smashed open my little boy's piggy bank, and for what ?

Dad, the flash must have scrambled their circuits! What are you, the narrator? Just keep taking pictures! I'll get more cameras!

Yeah, right. "Bread." You said, "Go to bread." I said, "Go to bed."

Azoot! I'm stuck on a nail! (CHUCKLING) Oh, God, that's painful. (GROANS) I can't feel my... (WHISTLE)

Gentlemen, our city's sucking down the juice like my wife at an open bar. Mr. Burns, can your plant handle it? No problem. We've siphoned off extra power from the orphanage. Who are they going to complain to? Their parents? But, sir, we're at full capacity. One more appliance could overload the system. Fear not.

I got fired by the Who. Whatever you say, pal. Wacko.

Sir, I'm afraid Homer Simpson is sterile. Who? A cabbagehead from sector 7-G. Take a look at this sperm sample. Eww. Now, compare this with a normal sperm sample. Oh, yes.

Stupid spider! Afraid of dying? (GRUNTS) Ah-ha! Huh? (SCREAMING)

Simpson. Detective Homer Simpson. His name's like my name! Ooh! I don't get it, Homer.

I can actually feel the good vibrations. Ouch.

Well, there's lots of needy kids out there. I see what you're saying. I need to buy a gun. No, Dad. You could really brighten the holidays for those less fortunate. Yeah, right. It's time to rebuild my self-esteem. Hey, what happened to-- Oh, good Lord! What a week!

If you're not going to buy that thing put it down, or I'll blow your heads off ! Bart, I'm starting to think you're right. Krusty was framed ! - Did he have any enemies ? - I don't know. But I know someone who would-- Krusty's best friend in the whole world, Sideshow Bob !

So you want me to go to college? College? Ha! Barber or clown? Bart! Remember, your job and the future of your family... hinges on your successful completion of Nuclear Physics 101. Oh, and one more thing. You must find the jade monkey... before the next full moon.

He's hideous! We have to do something. Marge, it'll cost $8,500. We only have 500 in the bank, and that leaves... eighty-hundred we need.

Which unfortunately was filled with peanuts, to which I am allergic. (INCOHERENT BABBLING) I ran outside just as a circus was rolling into town. (CYMBALS PLAYING) (INCOHERENT BABBLING)

That was just confusing. Behold the ravages of age. Boo. Exit to your left. Sorry. And they're off! There they go!

pp Check out those non-skybox losers... watching hockey without sushi.

I'm really proud of you, Homie, but can the garbageman really do all the things you said? Oh, the garbageman can, Marge. The garbageman can.

Um-- Oh, excuse me. Could you tell me where I might find the Burns O's? Sorry, pops. They don't put nobodies on cereal boxes. Hmm. Well,

or learned to tango or lovingly restored one of those antique-- Oh! Whew! Well, at least I got a hunk of Moe's hair. Man, that smarts!

Lucky for you this was just a warning gator. The next one won't be corked. Listen up, Big Daddy! You don't scare me! I'm three steps ahead of you! Oh, Chief, your boy's been kidnapped. Oh, God!

(BELL RINGS) My baby turtle crawled into your basement window. Oh, you poor boy. What's your turtle's name? Uh... Apron Boobs-face? Really? Well, let's go find it. And what's your name? Uh...

- Whew! - Whew! Whew! Oh! No! You got the black one.

If you could do that, I'd make this place a shining beacon for the Lord! Ah, you are so full of it! God's grace, that is. It's really sickening... there aren't more people like you. Now get out... your pen and we'll make it official. Oh, bless you, sir!

Almost time for our commercial. Dad, who's watching TV at 3:17 a.m.? Alcoholics, the unemployable, angry loners. Look! There we are! It may be on a lousy channel, but the Simpsons are on TV.

soured your sheep's milk and made your shirts itchy. Hey, you destroyed my turnip crop. No, that was gophers. Impossible. We burned all the gophers. Not all of them. And this is for pushing me off the cliff! Whoa! Whoa!

I don't understand. It's one of those Mad Magazine fold-ins. Amazing! Now, kids, while your mother's gone, I don't wanna have to wash any dishes. So from now on, drink straight from the faucet or milk carton, and we'll eat while standing over the sink or toilet.

You've been referred to as "the funny one." Is that reputation justified? Yes. Yes, it is.

You're a fraud-- A total fraud. It was nice meeting you.

Homer?! Marge?! Homer! Marge! Holy cow, you're as big as a house! Homer, come home with me. No, Marge, I can't. I mean, look at me. I'm a trainee.

Hey ! Pretty slick. Huh ? "Quit throwing your garbage into our dimension." Mom, Dad, help ! Get out.

(GROANING) Frankie the Squealer, why won't you die? Ugh! If I knew, I'd tell you, I swear.

Am I saying that right? "Roadie"r? Test, test. Check, check. Hey, he's not rockin' out at all. Test. Test. J Test You’re testing my love for you J J Check, check You’re checking to see if I'm trueJ

When I say frank, I mean devastating. You've inherited a finger condition known as stubbiness. It usually comes from the father's side. D'Oh! Stupid fingers.

I've had it with your renegade ways, Simpson. You're a loose cannon. But I-- And what really fries me is you returned his check! I'm sorry, Mr. Hutz, but I just can't lie to people.

Simpson, look what you've reduced me to. Please! Please! But, Mr. Burns, it's not my bear. It's Maggie's. Eh.

Over 80. Ninety. One hundred years old? Homer, sit down! What's that, sonny?

Your sisters don't come here after 6:00, and I stop eating your lipstick. This is a special occasion. Patty and Selma just got promoted at the D.M.V. Yeah, Homer. Let your wife have a glimpse of success for once. All right. That's the last straw! Time to take out the trash!

You've been eating that thing for a week. I think the mayonnaise is starting to turn. Two more feet, and I can fit it in the fridge. Homer, I found this behind the radiator. I really think you should throw it away. Suggestion noted. Marge, I'd like to be alone with the sandwich for a moment.

the poison fists of the Pacific Rim? The japanese Mafia? They'll kill ya five times before ya hit the ground.

(HUMMING) (GRUNTS)

a billion-dollar baby Hello, Springfield! Hello, Arthur!

Movies! What a rip-off! I don't have to sit here and take this! I-- - Hubba hubba. Oh, you kid. - Thank you, dear. Now, be good for Grampa while we're at the parent/teacher meeting.

Hey, good luck with that.

Miss Hoover, the floor is shaking.

I'll never win this alone. There's only one guy who can help me now. Look! I'm throwing paper!

- Whoa, man. - Whoa nothing. I'm gonna do something your daddy should've done a long time ago. Now, go home and think about what you've done, young man.

What's this about Gabbo? I can't believe it. Our first glimpse of Gabbo! He'll tell us what to do. Hello. I'm Gabbo. And I'm Arthur Crandall. That's easy for you to say.

Vyachepov's loins oughta be outlawed.

Gee, I'm sorry, man. Huh? About the frisbee. Frisbee?

I'm Headmaster St. John Van Hookstratten. Ten-four, Princess. Is that your beer tent? Ow! Monkeys point. Monkeys cry.

I'll need three ships and 50 stout men. We'll sail round the horn and return with spices and silk, the likes of which ye have never seen. We're building a casino! Arr. Can you give me five minutes?

Whoa. I gotta replace that window. "Pool-mobile"?

Hmm. Hey, good evening, Hezron, Carver of Graven Images. Ah, good evening, Homer the Thief. How is business ? Been a little slow these past few months. Not much to steal in the desert.

down mexico way that's where I fell in love when stars above CaMe out to play and now AS i wander

Oh, yeah! When I started this clown thing, I thought it would be nothing but glory. You know, the glory of being a clown. I tell you. It's hard, tiring work. But when I see the smiles on their little faces, I just know they're getting ready to jab me with something.

Almost home. D'oh! Arr! Ain't I a stinker? Welcome to my island. I am Circe, the sorceress. Boy, who decided to give every weirdo an island?

Forget the hair. just give me the blush. Oh, we're on. This station has learned that a crisis is in progress at the Springfield Nuclear Power Plant.

Too bad they got off on the wrong foot. It's just like the Noriega thing. Now he and George are the best of friends.

Uh-oh. Looks like you bought more than you bargained for. My pants. Caught on barbed wire.

I'm the 28th president of the United States. "I've had some bad experiences with these ads. "I'd like to learn more about you, so write soon. Here's a photo that will get your pencil moving." You've got a date with the Xerox machine.

Damn this casino!

Oh, Dad, I've never been happier to be your daughter! Oh, thanks, honey. Remember, there's nothing that says you can't be a Simpson and a success. Unless you're a man. So wait a minute. This means I'm gonna be a failure? Yes, Son. A spectacular failure.

Oh, that's it. You're dead, pal!

(GASPING) Air conditioning, water fountains, dioramas! And I'll never run into my family here! It's the perfect place to start a new life!

Get out of my house ! I don't wanna associate with criminals ! Maybe I'll go see your neighbor. He's not home ! Even better. Are you sure you want to do this, Homer ? It doesn't look friendly. Marge, we can't be too careful. There are thieves everywhere.

And coloring Easter eggs. Oh, I can't take it. Would it be so bad if I just went home for an hour? Whoa. Don't worry. I'll be right back.

Homer Simpson, for attempted insecticide and aggravated buggery, I sentence you to 200 hours of community service. D'oh! Next case. Duffman versus Duff Brewing Corporation.

All that's left for me is to become the biggest drunk this town’s ever seen. Talkin' wont get you there.

Hey, hey! Wiggedy, wiggedy. Poochie's in the house. We're done for, Bart!

Hmm. Dennis the Menace? Yes. I was America's bad boy.

Well, listen. I better get back to work. They're finally paying me for this. Oh, yeah!

You'll love it. It's not quite breakfast, it's not quite lunch, but it comes with a slice of cantaloupe at the end. You don't get completely what you would at breakfast, but you get a good meal. - I don't think so. - Marge, darling, there are ten pins in my heart. You've knocked over eight.

It looks more like-- Ew! Suckers. Go, Dad! He's gettin' away!

he's going to think that it's okay. You owe your son better than that, Homer. So what should I do, Marge ? Well, I think you should take Bart... to meet this exotic belly-person. I want him to see that she's a real human being... with real thoughts and real feelings.

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say-- - Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. - What is this, a joke ? - Ready, Mr. Simpson ? - Yes, sir. Send in the clowns. So, Simpson, which one is it ?

Dude, you're huge! Yeah! Let's party, baby! Hey-hey-hey!

It was years before I could do this without fainting. Oh. Still hurts.

Well, Mel, they're swell. Oh, yeah. They're just what my laptop needed. (GIRLS GIGGLING) Son, I need to pee, but I can't stop watching.

Ingenious, isn't it, Mr. Bont? Scorpio, you're totally mad. I wouldn't point fingers, you jerk.

Well, perhaps I was being a tad glib. Let me explain. Our elementary school participates in a foreign exchange program. Normally, a student is selected on the basis of academic excellence or intelligence, but in Bart's case, I'm prepared to make a big exception. And if you're willing to play along, he can spend the next three months...

Well, it looks like it's just you and me, Barty boy. Great. I get to spend the summer with my brain. What fun can you have in a pool anyway that you can't have in a bathtub... with a garbage bag taped around your cast?

Apu, come quick! You're missing the miracle! Wha-- Oh, my sweet husband. Say hello to your firstborn child. Oh. You shall be the jewel of our lives. Oh. Now say hello to your other seven children. My-- What?

- Ginger's my wife. - Are you sure? Oh, rats. No offense, sweetie. Homer, why don't we... go make the girls some custom omelets? Geez. I've never seen anyone so whipped so fast.

Bye-bye, job. Bye-bye, toothbrush. Bye-bye, Lisa Simpson. When the hell are we gonna get to-- Where the hell are we going? It's called Little Pwagmattasquarmsettport.

I'm sorry, ma'am, but everything on the menu has fish in it. What about the bread? Does that have much fish in it? Yes. Well, I have some Tic Tacs in my purse-- Excellent choice. And for the gentleman?

And... make yourselves at home. Hear that, Dad ? You can lie around in your underwear and scratch yourself. - Now, you listen to me-- - Trouble, Simpson ? No. just congratulating the son on a fine joke about his old man.

She's in the backyard!

One pill makes you larger And one pill makes you small

Oh, how can I be down a thousand bucks? Get away from my store, you young hoodlums! And what if we don't, pops? He's got a broom! Let's get outta here! Forget the pennies! Go! Go!

The problem: constant flying saucer attacks. The solution-- And thus the Earth is saved.

Homer, where's the dog? I tied him up out back.

Yo, yo, yo Keep it on the low flow (CHUCKLING) I'm hanging this over the mantle. Thanks, Dad. Well, I'm just glad we're back to me being the father and you being the son.

Hmm. Organized crime.

Ev-er-y-one is... talk-ing a-bout... Ra-di-o-ac-tive m-an, y'all. Wow! You mean, you were one of the original Little Rascals?

Homer, get outta here. Boy, Moe, you sure look angry. Here. Have some nuts. Hey, thanks. Ow! God! My eye! Ow! Get it out! Geez! Gaagh!

Oh. Mom? Dad? We'd better do something about this. Don't be sad. It's Carnaval!

That's it! Claw and bite for position! We have only enough tuition money for two. For the rest of you, better luck next life.

Doughnuts I got doughnuts I got-- Hey. I know you.

Hey. Hey, Simpson, Burns wants to talk to you privately. - Privately ? - Yes. Stay here. I'll be right back. - Ah, Homer Simpson, at last we meet. - Same here.

She must think you're after her eggs. I only ate one!

You are so beautiful to me Feel better. Come back, Doctor.

Grampa's little helper? What's that? Which one of you is the mailman?

Why, he doesn't know the meaning of the word "gay."

We're gonna toughen him up. Give him a new bad-ass attitude. All those other horses will be shaking in their horse dealies. Hello. I'd like to speak to President Clinton, please. I wrote to him, and he never wrote back. No, I don't want Al Gore. Lisa, you've got to learn that life isn't always fair.

I-- What's going on? Could it be? in a bizarre twist, a horse is abusing a jockey. Might this be the start of a terrifying planet of the horses? In this announcer's opinion, almost certainly yes. And away I go.

How would you like to spend $2,000 to give a broken man a second chance? Nah. What are you talking about?

You go to sleep there. - Nice and cozy, Adil ? - Yes. Thank you, Father. Look, Adil, you can call me Dad. All right, Dad. Aw ! You called me Dad.

(GUNS COCKING) Bart, two, three, four.

There's nothing wrong with your television set. Do not attempt to adjust your picture. We are controlling the transmission.

So anyway, we brought you this wicked gift basket. Stubble glitter, a crowd Taser. Crowd Taser? Yeah. It's perfect for getting through the fans to your limousine. Ow! Yo! Dudes, we gotta go. Our clothes are getting a little out-of-date. To the Bandana Republic! Word!

Homer, come back! That's my husband! He's our husband now. Yea! I'm glad I'm back... because the moment that sweet, sweet beer hit my tongue, I was born again! Hallelujah!

Muffins are surprisingly high in calories. The pyramids were actually built by Sears. He's right! It all checks out!

You mean I danced all by myself?

Can you be that honest ? Yeah. You'll tell him right when he comes home from work. Yeah ! - Say it like you mean it. - Yeah ! Attagirl. Come on, Bart. Not again. Where's your sense of humor ? Moe's Tavern. Hello. Is Al there ?

It worked! They're all dead! Well, except for chubsy-ubsy over there. Mmm. Sprinkles!

But first, let's see it again in super slow motion. Why you-- Huh?

Ooh! I brought this on myself. Okay, little dudes. Time's up. Everybody out. Time's up? So long, Lise.

As I'm sure you remember, in the late 1980's... the u.s. experienced a short-lived infatuation with Australian culture. For some bizarre reason, the Aussies thought this would be a permanent thing. Of course, it wasn't. I know those words, but that sign makes no sense.

I can't find a single violation or employee acting strangely. You got to hide me. Death is after me. And I don't entirely trust these cowboys. Is this man an employee? Of course not. He's just a harmless maniac...

(WISTFUL MURMUR) Chloe sure turned out successful. You're successful, too, Mom. You made a chore wheel that's both fair and wise.

Faithful Milhouse. You'll spend the long, hot days by my side, won't you? I think I lost my glasses in your pool. I better go in and find 'em. - But you're wearing your glasses. - No, I'm not. Oh, look. Bart's all alone.

Dad! I think he's oka-- It's better... - to be... safe... than... sorry. - Dodilly-- - Sorry. - Didilly--

Huh? Ow! Aaah! Don't worry, folks. Because of their thick, thick hides, pandas only feel the slightest tickle from these powerful electric shocks. Ow! Ohh. She's saying "I love you."

There's gotta be some batteries in here somewhere. Hmm.

You're successful, too, Mom. You made a chore wheel that's both fair and wise. (EXCLAIMS) (BOTH LAUGHING) Marge, I figured out a way we can get in on this Quimby lawsuit.

Hey, Laura, Dr. Tongue has arrived. That's him, Bart! Who's the dork? Leave him alone. He's just a kid. just a kid. just a kid. I'll show them who's just a kid. Bart, it's your bedtime. I laid out your jammy-jams.

Oh, no! Oh, what a tragedy. That car was just two days away from retirement.

Come on. You have to go outside to do your... business. The experts say that if you want an animal to do something... you should do it yourself first to show 'em how. I'm not going to the bathroom in the backyard. Sorry, Your Majesty.

Now we just add color. In five minutes, it'll be on the World Wide Web. I can't wait that long. To pass the time, help yourself to some more stock.

When suddenly-- Well, I thought Dad was the problem. But apparently Mom is no prize pig herself. It's a miracle poor Bartholomew isn't robbing banks and chasing sweet Lady "H." I'm a latchkey kid. You are not! Quiet, little girl!

Stop the clapping! You'll kill us all!

The most rewarding part was when he gave me my money. But what's with the glowing? Um, I'll field that question. A lifetime of working in a nuclear power plant... has given me a healthy green glow... and left me as impotent as a Nevada boxing commissioner.

Gentlemen, I'm pleased to report strong holiday sales... from the Christmas-Hanu- Kwanzaa spend phase. And things look good for the Mom-Dad-Grad gift corridor. Uh, then we'll have the usual summer lull. But, hey, we're making enough money, right?

Who could be calling at this hour? Y'ello? I know you're alone. Who is this? Is this Maude Flanders? No. It's Homer.

Oh, look at you, Bart. Oh, isn't that fun! Ooh, hey! Whoa! Oh, Fourth of july. I can't believe that little boy is you, Bart. Yeah. I got a lot of fond memories. Look at the time. Almost midnight.

Bart get a present early? Then I should get a present early. I want a present! Lisa, you have to wait. Great. This is the worst Christmas ever. Now, I know you love video games, and I asked the clerk, "Which is the one every boy wants?" You got me--

We were just playing. What game? - Let's Eat Maggie. - Ooh!

Well, I won't lie to you, ma'am. Our chances of finding your children are slim to nil. Hi, Mom! There they are! Let me down here. Sorry. There's no way off till we get to the top. And even then, it's sort of tricky. All right, kids!

Well, Seymour, because of your penny-pinching, we're coming back from a field trip with the fewest children yet. God bless the man who invented permission slips. Mmm.

At least until you've heard the story of how we ended up... with the head of our beloved town founder. How long will this story take ? Uh, about 23 minutes and 5 seconds. - It's too long ! - 23:05 ? Well, all right. Go ahead. Okay. It all started Sunday morning.

I've never gone behind Mr. Burns's back before. But Sideshow Bob's ultraconservative views-- conflict with my... choice of lifestyle.

I glued my head to my shoulder.

What is it with you and robots? Whoa!

I regret nothing!

Good. Dad, how do you get a girl to like you?

- All done. - You're not done.

The interrogation chair. Plug it in, boys.

He's right. Who wrote this thing?

TV's there, bathroom's there, and there's your king-size bed for-- - Hubba-hubba. - Stop that! I love my wife and family. All I'm gonna use this bed for is sleeping, eating, and maybe building a little fort-- that's it.

They fight, they bite they fight aNd bite and fight fight, fight, fight bite, bite, bite the itchy and scraTchy show

Hey, Krusty. I'm bringing back the-- You just keep right on driving. There we go.

Ooh. Oh. Good. Mmm. - Soon I will kill you. - Huh? Son pieds sentit beau-- French for "her foot smells lovely." Oh. Prepare to be murdered. Huh? That's... Sanskrit for "your toes are like perfume."

The credits really have to go this long? Oh, shush yourself. English - US - Line 21

Yes, I am a very good teacher, and I can teach you everything. I can tell you what the little arrows on the wood floor mean, which frame is the beer frame. I bet you don't know how to make a five-seven-ten split. - Do you, Marge ? - No.

in the maximum-security wing of my heart." Ohhh... Like the lone crocus that pokes through the prison yard, our love bloomed despite all obstacles. Selma, may I? Uh, uh, uh...

And I'll go skinny-dipping in that lake... where the sexy teens were killed a hundred years ago tonight.

Bart, what are you doing? Hey, what the-- Hmm. All right. Robots be right back.

Got any spare change, man? Yes! And you ain't gettin' it! Everybody wants somethin' for nothin'.

Uh, Mr. Burns. Mr. Burns. Shut up and wreck something. Mr. Burns, I hardly see...

Adorable. And, Lord, please remember our infirm parishioners,

Hello! There are too many leaves in your walkway.

I thought it was over. You had a problem turning blades. You overcame it. The feel-good story of the year. It's not our fault our generation has short attention spans. We watch an appalling amount of TV. Don't you ever, ever talk that way about television.

Oh, so sad. Oh. Whoo. Hey. - Hey. - Ahh.

In the, uh, spirit of the occasion, I must tell you what I think. You two screwed up royal. You know, I really don't feel like being blamed.

I'll be testing you. When you do good, I use the green pen. When you do bad, I use the red pen. Any questions? Yeah, one: Have you always been a chick? No offense, but you were born a man, weren't you? You can tell me. I'm open-minded. I won't be needing this.

Have you slept with anyone famous ? Well, Countess von Zeppelin and I-- What in blaze ! Now, you listen to me, you bargain basement Baudelaire !

And the Oscar goes to... I've got to win this one. I bribed everyone in Hollywood! George C. Scott in Man Getting Hit by Football.

Aha! Got 'em! Okay, okay. This time I'll just go into the bushes over there, make a lot of noise and flush out a rabbit. And when he comes out, you step on him. Right, Dad.

"Marge" is already taken? Mmm, how about "Marjorie"? Uh, sorry, ma'am. Mmm, how about "Mitzi"? Uh-uh. Uh, you can have "Nitzi." - Hmm. "Nitzi." - I'm out of here.

Hey, we got a pool! Can we go swimming, Mom? Mmm, not right now, dear.

But there'll always be a place for the practical special effects wizard. Hey! All right! I love the theater. Oh, please. I saw Paul Lynde do that same hackneyed trick on Bewitched. Try to explode this out of my belly.

Oh, quit your bellyachin', coffee boy. You're lucky I let you in here. Geez, Moe. You've been a real crank lately. You take that back! Now you see? That's what I'm talking about. You're always pointing that shotgun at us. And calling us dumb asses. Which we're so not. Well, can you blame me? Every day it's the same old routine.

Ma-- Man, that is malty. But he'll never know! - Good grief. - Oh! My head!

Smithers, tear me a new drape hole. If you hand over the concert hall to me, I'll assume the debt - and all of your problems will disappear. (SNAPS) The building is yours. Excellent!

I'll tell Professor Frink he's won. (SPEAKING SWEDISH) (IN EXAGGERATED SWEDISH ACCENT)

Men, stop that!

It was just the shock of seeing all that food on the floor.

Twenty dollars can buy many peanuts. Explain how. Money can be exchanged for goods and services. Whoo-hoo! Whoa!

but its ideals live on. Freedom, love and peace. D'oh! Doctor, will he be all right? Yes. He was lucky. If that had been a gladiola, he'd be dead right now.

Eight-- No, no! Twelve hours a day! The only game in town! Krusty! But how? Coming at you live from the civil defense shack... in the remote Alkali Flats of the Springfield badlands.

Now less. Now none! D'oh! Hey. Get off the course, you bum! Security! Wha-- Golf course? Did I dream that whole thing? Maybe the desert was just this sand trap.

Whoa-oa-oa! undefined G -Huh? The bus!

Dad, I'm kind of scared. Good. You're gonna need that adrenaline to make the final jump. Okay. Here goes.

Over, under, round and round, so your feet won't touch the ground.

A-B-C-- Uh, line? "D." D-E-- Um, line? "F," Bart. And believe me, you'll be seeing plenty of 'em. Bart, would you like to read a book?

You will be assessed the full fine plus a small-- Large lateness penalty.

Mmm. Mediciney. I wager 400 quatloos on the newcomer.

Coming up next, an hour-long episode of Mama's Family. Yes! We'll take good care of your boy, Simpson. Enjoy the miracle of creation! Shut up, Flanders. So, kids, what do you wanna play? Good Samaritan!

Ah, 433rd Street. My old neighborhood. Hmm.

Cable clippers, please. Here you go, Homey. Go for it, Dad ! Dad, I beg you to reconsider. Tractor pulls, Atlanta Braves baseball, Joe Franklin !

Hey, thanks for embarrassing me, dingus!

Yes. Well, there's a few things you could do to help us sell our home. First, whenever you walk in front of your window, could you please wear pants? Mmm, no.

Okay. Uh, now, before I execute this order, are you sure you understand the risks of stock ownership? Absolutely. We're in the money We're in the money

Howdy, howdy, Marge and Hom-- Oh. My mistake. Homer's not even with you. Probably just knocking back a few "refreshments."

(BEEPING ERRATICALLY) (SCREAMS)

War, huh good god, y'all What is it good For abSolutely nothing say it again say it again okay

Well, I'm sorry!

Yeah, but I'm not gonna let it change our lives. I'll be the same loving father I've always been. Have you seen Bart? I stuck him somewhere.

If you watch my show, I will send you this book featuring me... in a variety of sexually explicit positions. What? Oh. Hey! It's not really me. I used a stunt butt.

Hah! I got it. Ah, geez. Will you look at that? Hmm?

Kearney, that could blind someone. You get an A. Mmm. Now for a practical demonstration. First, we load the ordnance. Then select the target. Hmm, not Otto. He'd drive us off a cliff. Off a cliff? That would solve everything. (CHUCKLING)

Cannonball! (ALL CHEERING) Do you think there's a place in the hip-hop world, for a 40-something elementary school administrator? Hell, yes. Hmm. But I'm already paying a guy for that.

Mm, doughnuts. Wow, there's only one doughnut left. Yeah, ya drooled all over it, ya-- Gentlemen, there's only one solution. We place this last doughnut in the reactor core... exposing it to radiation, thereby making it big!

Mmm. So long. Gotta catch the 5:01. He's getting away. You blew it, Marge. I don't think so. Oh! Foiled by my own shoddy merchandise! That's my ambulance. I called for it four hours ago. Marge, how did you know? That the pants would rip? No. What I was wondering--

Voy a vomitar en la tumba de tu madre. ¡Ayayay! What'd I say? What'd I say? You said you were going to vomit on their mothers' graves.

You got any leads? I need some leads. Please, help me. That's enough, Gill. Don't drag her down with you.

Yes, the Simpsons have come a long way... since an old drunk made humans out of his rabbit characters... to pay off his gambling debts. Who knows what adventures they'll have between now... and the time the show becomes unprofitable? I'm Troy McClure, and I'll leave you with what we all came here to see: hard-core nudity!

You mean, I'm on my own? I've never been on my own. Oh, no. On own! On own! I need help. Oh, God, help me! Help me, God! - Y'ello? - Hello, Homer.

Hidey-ho, Simpson. Your son shoved this through our doggie door. And since we're returning your second-born, you think you could see your way to returning my TV tray-- Boy, you get over to the corner and you--

Mailman! "Grow a mustache," says the wife. "You'll look handsome," says the wife.

You've already used up your birthday and Christmas presents on that peach tree we got you. And you hardly ever play with that anymore. Yes, I do. Sure, I do. Look! La-la, here I am playing on my peach tree, Mom.

You don't need long fingers to play the blues. The blues come from in here. My God, they are stubby. I didn't steal that copper wire. I just thought they were throwing it out. Here. Take it. No. We're here for your son. He's coming on a ride-along.

If you are watching this tape, you are the president of the United States. Hello, sir, or ma'am. Hopefully sir.

Homework on a field trip? What have you been huffin"?

Wait. I changed my mind. - Stack it in the order I'll eat it driving home. - Sir, please. I've already bagged it by color and in order of each item's discovery by man. The customer's always right. That's what everybody likes about us. Now, mush! You tell him, Jumbo. And you-- Start over. I want everything in one bag.

(SCHOOL BELL RINGING) (HORN BELLOWING)

I'm sorry, Dad. It's all right. I understand. But we really could have used that $12,000. Um, Dad, 10% of $120 million isn't 12,000. It's-- Code blue. Code blue.

Can you stay on the line while I get all my friends and relatives? I'm afraid not. Your father needs your help. You don't want him to get a lobotomy, do you? Hmm... lobotomy. That's all right, son. There's probably a downside I don't see.

Um, look, Dad. I got something to tell you. Can it wait, son ? It's getting kinda dark.

Give me those keys! Do you have any idea what you put us through? I called the police, the hospital, my bookie, the kennel. Okay, this isn't about who I called.

Oh, it's that record club. The first nine were only a penny. Then they jacked up the price! It's not fair. It's not fair, I tells ya.

"I guess you could say it's my racket." I guess you could say I'm Iraqi.

Ah, that little punk. I'll teach him some manners! No, Dad! He wants you to blow your horn. Oh. That little punk!

standing up to that freaked-out junkie. Dad, that junkie is your son. Why don't you just tell everybody? Hey, Mom. Thanks for coming out. Oh, thank you for stopping the tank. It ran out of gas. Oh. So, Bart-- Question. How about getting out of the tank, huh?

Listen, SeÑor Spielbergo, I want you to do for me what Spielberg did for Oskar Schindler. Schindler es bueno. SeÑor Burns es el diablo.

Please, don't take the steam tray! Sir!

Hey! What the-- Ooh! Once again, my underwear has become tangled in a cowcatcher. Ooh! Oh, tarnation. I've got to see what the excitement's about. Make way! Doctor coming through! Excuse me. So sorry.

This is really cool. When I hit reverse, I can make 'em go back in. No, children, you're not seeing things. This, my little friends, is a schwa. Aah !

I told her you were a decent man, but she wouldn't listen. Besides standing by you and supporting you, there isn't anything more I can do. You mean, I'm on my own? I've never been on my own. Oh, no. On own! On own! I need help. Oh, God, help me! Help me, God!

Must... Kill...

wear those things. Ohh. Ow! Hey, watch those virtual darts! I'm trying to play virtual pool. Ow! Hey, hey! No fighting in my bar!

One day soon I will come for you, and then the game will begin. Could be in the middle of the night. It could be when you least expect it. Or whatever's good for you. I don't care. Okay, Homer, I'm ready to learn. What's the first lesson? just gimme the topic sentence. Gimme that! That's your problem.

the father of the big quitter.

Two, four, six, eight, Homer's crime was very great! Great meaning large or immense. We use it in the pejorative sense. Marge, I swear I didn't touch her. You know how bashful I am. I can't even say the word "titmouse"... without giggling like a schoolgirl.

Gold bars discovered by Homer? Well, let's just see. Oops. Sorry, honey. - Gold bars discovered by Homer? - Shut up. If I'm gonna bail the country out, i'll have to raise taxes. But in my speech, I'd like to avoid calling it "a painful emergency tax."

Yeah, even the boy in the bubble had a deck of cards.

So, how was your day? Did anything unbelievable happen? Phone calls, things of that nature? You're not going to believe it. That paper towel lumberjack is coming here-- for dinner-- tonight! Tonight? Well, you better get your hopes up.

Ooh, ooh, hey, ooh, oh. That takes eight to 10 weeks. Did I say weeks? 'Cause I meant seconds. What do you got, the whole town's D.N.A. on file? Yuh-huh. If you've ever handled a penny, the government's got your D.N.A. Why do you think they keep them in circulation? The scan's finished.

You awful, awful man! Get out of my son's grave! I hate to rain on your parade, lady. But this is my grave. Hey-- Wait a minute! Mom? Homer?

Whoa. Whoa! Can you take me to the hospital? Yeah, no problem. Wasn't that the hospital? - Uh, you ever see the movie Misery? - Actually, no. Then this'll all be new to ya.

I'm practicing my Fallout Boy dialogue. If I get his role, I could finally come to terms... with this funny little muddle called Bart.

Sorry, Dad. This is our spot. Oh, yeah? Well, it's my house, so it's my spot. Nu-uh, because we called it. Did not. Well, we're calling it now. You are? 'Fraid so. Ohh! They got me with their legal mumbo jumbo!

(LAUGHING) Milhouse, you went Cap City on him. Springfield baby in a diaper, poked his eye with a windshield wiper. Springfield baby! Springfield baby!

Thank you, Knickknack and Paddywhack, the Siamese midgets. We'll be sure to catch your new series on Fox. Good luck, Mr. Burns. And if you get in trouble, I wrote some jokes about how white people are different from black people. Hmm. How you doin', Mr. Burns? Jerry Rude. Welcome to the show. I am pleased to-- All right, let's get this geezer out quick so we can bring in the lesbian gladiators.

I don't see Skinner anywhere. He's probably in costume. He could be any of these people. They're all too old to be dressed up like super-people. Homer, let's just hurry up and go home so I can yell at you. Oh, my goodness. It's Matt Groening!

J I know this chubby scallywag J J Has made my life a living hell J

Go on. Give it a try. Remember, big smiles. Uh, Bart? Yeah, Dad? - Do I like chicken? - Does it matter? I guess not. Hey, boss, uh, me and Spud gotta duck out for our A.A. meeting.

Hey, I washed your hair.

Who is it? Witches! Um, what do ya want? We're here to eat your kids. Okay, come on in... and look at this! Oh, please.

The pointy kitty took it!

Because... I was that maniac. Hey, I was just kidding. That's it. He's out of here. But we're the only family he's got. This is not Happy Days, and he is not the Fonz.

have revolved around him in some way. Simpson, eh? Uh, Mr. Smithers! I don't understand 2,700 of my new duties. Well, the van's leaving. Which one duty is giving you the most trouble? Um, what do I do in case of fire? Sorry. Can't hear you. Bye.

That freeloading fatso! Marge, could you cut back on your makeup budget? I already use crayons for lipstick and fireplace soot for eyeliner. So that's where my soot went! (GROANS) This fat camp can save Bart's life! We have to find a way to pay for it.

I'm here because I said imported wines are better than Napa Valley! Yeah? Well, why don't you take a "napa"? (GRUNTS) My only crime was driving a truck full of explosives in from Canada. Oh... I don't know why they put the real ones in with the joke ones. (LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)

Of course I'm Batman.

with A friend to call my own I'll never be alone and you my friend Will see you've got A friend in me Hot cakes...

Marge, I'm 239 and I'm feelin' fine !

Now, would you give church another try? I'll be there next Sunday, front row, center.

Oh, my Lord! Well, it has been a week. Code blue! A thousand c.c.'s of leg wax! Stat!

Well, I really should discuss this with my wife. Your wife? What, you think I'm gonna buy a $20,000 truck just because you make that noise? I'll take it! I can't believe you bought that plow. We can't afford it.

in a stolen paddy wagon. Now let's go to Arnie Pie in the Sky. I can see them right below me. I'm gonna try to nail the driver with one of my shoes. Arnie, please leave this to the police. I'm sick of being a reporter. I want to make the news! Arnie, this is not the time! You're not the time, Kent! You're not the time!

Communication. Gotcha. But it's important to-- Listen! Yes, I know! But there's more to it than-- I have listening skills! Mr. Simpson, would you please-- Shut up, judge!

You'll both need to sign these. But what to do with poor Hugo? Too crazy for Boys Town, too much of a boy for Crazy Town.

You know, when Superintendent Chalmers suggested a school mural, I almost thought he said a school Muriel. Muriel's his sister. And, uh--

Oh, no! Gee, you strangle him all the time, and that never happens.

Go banana! Make way for grapefruit. Go grapefruit! What the--

Ding-dong. I was feeling kind of lonely without Selma. Mind if I watch TV with you? Oh, go ahead, Patty. Tonight, on MacGyver... MacGyver... MacGyver... MacGyver... Aunt Selma has one hour to live. Hey, down in front.

All right, mates. Let 'em have it!

Whoa, whoa. A fat, sarcastic Star Trek fan. You must be a devil with the ladies. Hey, I-- That-- Oh. Gee, I hate to let you down, Casanova, but, uh, no receipt, no return. I'll give you four bucks for it. Very well.

all my goals as president in one term, there was no need for a second. The end. Mmm. Good memoirs. Good, not great.

I kill me. - Bud. - Weis. Er. - Bud. - Weis. Er. Coors. Yo, Dad. Can I have a sip of your beer? Now, Son. You don't wanna drink beer. That's for daddies and kids with fake I.D.'s.

memories sweetened through the ages, just like wine... Hello. This is Dr. Marvin Monroe. Let's build your vocabulary.

When she sees you'll do anything she says, she's bound to respect you. Sure! What's a big sister for?

Seaman Simpson, your actions have given the Navy... a black eye from which it may never recover.

Target date: January 2007. And now, the grand finale. "Get Lisa's jammed tape out of VCR." Whoops. Wait a minute. There. Fire in the hole!

Boring! Help! You want excitement? Shove this up your stocking!

Hello, I'm Dr. Marvin Monroe. No doubt you recognize me from TV. - We would if we had one. - Lisa ! No, no, Homer, don't stifle the youngster. Your family must feel free to express itself. That's what these pads and jumbo markers are for. I want you to draw for me your fears, your anxieties,

I'm taking this thing to Mexico.

Faithful Milhouse. You'll spend the long, hot days by my side, won't you? I think I lost my glasses in your pool. I better go in and find 'em. - But you're wearing your glasses. - No, I'm not.

We should've known better than to match wits with studio executives. Hey, come on. Turn that Down Under frown upside down! We're not finished yet! Wow! These dummies look pretty good. Well, I've had a lot of surgery, old chum.

- Boo-hoo-hoo ! - Waah !

Wow! Look at this place. The house number is spelled out with letters. Get used to it, honey. From now on we'll be spelling everything with letters.

It's still my ass. But your point is well taken. You see-- I like to walk down the avenue Bust a move with Disco Stu You shake me from my booty to my fro Yes, I strut down the boulevard Burning off my excess lard

Eep! Whoa! Leave those deer alone! But they were trying to eat me. Those deer? But they-- Come on. I'll drop you off at the lodge.

Catch my conscience? What? You're not supposed to hear me. That's a soliloquy. Okay. Well, I'll do a soliloquy too. Note to self: Kill that kid.

How do you like that score? Ew! Homer, you're not dead. Mm-hmm. Which is good. Now let Uncle Pierce take care of you.

Coming through. Step aside, lady. Mmm, baby. How was class? We learned how to rip a man's heart out and show it to him before he dies. That will learn them. What did you swipe? An "I Love Lefty" glass.

Fee-ee-ee-ee. Fee-ee-ee-ee. In a few minutes, I try to drink nectar out of Sanjay's head.

I have a husband.

Bart Simpson, I know it's you.

I'm proud of you, boy. What the-- Bart, where's your wheelchair? Don't need it anymore. Doctor says my butt bone's stronger than ever. Ta-da! Well, at least we're prepared for the new millennium.

You'll have to speak up. You lost yourself a customer, Moe! I forced myself to what? You just lost a customer! We'll talk tomorrow. You just lost yourself a customer! Yeah, you can use it.

f Male Commentator] Ooh, ioW marks. i Ve never seen Noodles this mad f Female Commentator] She 's throwing her diaper at the judges. C) Lord, please guide that diaper into someone’s schnoz. - f Loud Splat] - Yes! J;

The zoo? What? Everybody loves my zoo. You don't love my zoo? I dare you to look at a kangaroo and not laugh. I dare you. Well, they're usually funnier.

from the town of springfield he's about to hiT A chestnut tree What do they do with these things after we seal 'em? I hear they dump 'em in an abandoned chalk mine and cover 'em with cement. I hear they're sending 'em to one of those southern states where the governor's a crook.

Dad, what are you doin' here? Readin' about this Edison character. They won't let me in the big people library downtown. There was some... unpleasantness. I can never go back. Ooh. Look at all the inventions Edison came up with.

Hello. Is this Marge Simpson ?

No, Maggie ! Stay in the shallow end ! Mmm-- To hell with this. Line inspector coming through. Please move to the right. Grab that handrail, young man. Out of my way ! I'm here for your safety ! God bless that man.

But... don't you love me? Sure, I do, like I love Fresca. Isn't that enough?

Listen, you're so smart, how do we end this picture ? Well, what's the problem you're having ? Okay, here it is. Itchy just stole Scratchy's ice-cream cone-- - Oh, make it a pie. Pies are easier to draw. - Okay, a pie. Anyway, Scratchy is understandably upset. Uh-huh. So we figured he could, you know, just grab Itchy and toss him in a bucket of acid.

in a half Windsor knot. Oh, I am, am I? Is that what you think? Well, if that is what you think, I have something to tell you. Something that may shock and discredit you. And that thing is as follows. I'm not wearing a tie at all.

From now on, the restraining order is set at 200 feet. (ALL GASP) (GASPS) That's 61 meters. ALL: Oh! Sacrebleu!

If they don't let me in here, I'm gonna have to quit drinking.

Oh! He loves the nightlife he loves manjula - the man they call apu oh, yeah Oh!

- Mmm! - Wow, Dad! You took a baptismal for me. How do you feel? Oh, Bartholomew, I feel like St. Augustine of Hippo... after his conversion by Ambrose of Milan. Wait! Homer! What did you just say? I said, shut your ugly face, Flanders! Oh. Fair enough.

Let's go where it's quiet. Help! Isn't that your brother?

Who the hell is that? Some kind of leader? Yes. He's the head of our perfect family. And when our galactic vehicle is complete, he will take us to our new home: Blisstonia.

Ow! Watch it, coney! Whoops.

Homie, you've never done this before. How'd you afford it? Well, if you really must know, (WHISPERS) I'm a prison snitch. (GASPS) Haven't you seen what happens to people who rat in prison movies? Sure, they're on top of the world. Then there's a big riot scene. Then... I don't know. I usually doze off.

I, uh-- Or, uh, no. Look at this license. I'm Mohammed jafar.

Guess I can't complain. Everything's perfect here.

Good night. Oh, and the president was arrested for murder. More on that tomorrow night. Or you can turn to another channel. Oh. Do not turn to another channel.

Everything but the opinion page. I don't need to be told what to think... by anyone living. Chief Wiggum.

That's it, eh? Twelve men. Well, I've got some families to inform. Unbelievable. What? Nothing-- Just a curse on your very soul. And now, Marge, I bring-a you the main course.

Good luck today, Bill. And away they go!

I'm just excited because they're showing an episode of Boy Meets World on this flight. Oh, no, wait. That's only on flights from Europe. We just get that little plane. Hey, wait a minute. What the hell is that? Hang on, Marge! Homie's coming!

Well, McGarnigal, Billy is dead! They slit his throat from ear to ear. Hey, I'm trying to eat lunch here.

He's gonna be pissed off. You're damn right I'm gonna be pissed off! I bought that pig at Pink Floyd's yard sale!

I'd also like to add, as I gaze upon your beauty,

Look, I don't know if I want a roofer who hangs out in bars. (SCOFFS) You're right, Marge. I guess I should look for roofers at poetry slams and yoga retreats. - High five! - Nah. I got standards. I don't hand out high-fives like Chiclets. Ray would high five me. Well, he'd better high five our roof! Huh? Yay, Mom!

You're number one, Homer. But this was a contest for children! Yeah-- And Homer beat their brains out. I can't stand it any longer. This whole plant is insane. Insane, I tell you!

You have still got it, Dr. Smith. Silence, you nickel-plated nitwit! My dear boy, I'd be happy to show you my rÉsume... if you'd care to meet me later in the food court. Danger, danger, Bart Simpson.

- Fifty dollars! - Seventy-five! You better have enough left to pay my alimony, Luann. 300. 350. 926. Sold to the five desperate chicks! All right! We got 'im! Hooh!

It looks so much better-- a beautiful sky blue. You were right, Lisa. I've never felt so spiritually fulfilled. And with my brothers the Stonecutters behind me, this is the beginning of a better world for all of us.

Do you sell toys? We sell forbidden objects from places men fear to tread. We also sell frozen yogurt, which I call frogurt. Well, I need something for my son's birthday. Uh, perhaps this will please the gentleman.

There's a cat on a table and no one seems to care.

Sure. It gets rid of the unpleasant aftertaste of church.

adults, they're always telliNg us to-- Shut your traps

Don't worry. I got a man on the perimeter. BART: Cowabunga One to Fat Load. This is Fat Load. I'd like to request a new code name. BART: Denied. Okay, Fat Load here. Here comes the bride. Repeat. Here comes the bride. Mrs. K, you look awesome.

Hurl this at that. At Lenny? But he's a war hero. Well, let's decorate him then. No! Not even for... four dollars? Ow! My eye! I'm not supposed to get pudding in it!

We're going to send a message... to those bureaucrats down there in the state capital !

Excellent. Well, there's no easy way to say this. The new administration is shutting down Project Boy Band. Shutting it down? Permission to say "that's crazy," sir? You won't say it's crazy when you see next week's issue of Mad magazine. Oh, dear God.

And now, a man who needs no introduction...

commemorating the time Jebediah Springfield... ran across six states to avoid his creditors. You got all your equipment, Dad? Let's see. Sweatbands, check. Anti-chafing nipple tape, check, check, and check. Attention, runners. On your mark, get set, now get outta here before I change my mind.

Uh-huh. Hey, Spock! What do you want on your hot dog? Surprise me. Take a look at this, Lisa.

We've isolated the problem. Wouldn't you know-- false alarm. It seems a single wayward crow flew into our warning system. Your point about nuclear hysteria is well taken. This reporter promises to be less vigilant in the future.

Hello. Look at me-- I'm Davy Crockett!

That's iT. "Frimble" about with your widgets and "doobobs." It will all be a monument to futility when my plan comes to fruition. Sir, uh, what I'm about to say... violates every sycophantic urge in my body, but I wish you would reconsider. This isn't a rival company you're battling with. It's a school. People won't stand for it.

Wait. Do you even have a family?

(MEWLING) Lousy cat! (SLAMS) Stupid Homer-hating family. At least there's one place I'm always welcome. MEN: For he's a jolly good fellow... Oh, guys. This is just what I needed. This ain't for you, sweat stain.

Gotcha! Gotcha! I'll show you! Good lord! You're wasting thousands of dollars worth of interferon. And you're "interferon" with our good time.

Don't move, dude. This is totally a gun. I didn't do it. And then the boy says the thing-- Honey!

Good night! But first, E.T., phone Homer... Simpson, that is. Marge! Kids! They're about to show my videotape.

Mmm, doughnuts. Oh, doughnuts! Doughnuts! - Cyohl - Cyohl - Cyohl - Cyohl - Cyohl - Cyohl - Son of a- - Cyohl

It is time for decisive action. I have here a polite but firm letter to Mr. Burns's underlings, who, with some cajoling, will pass it along to him, or at least give him the gist of it. Sir, a lot of people are stroking guns.

How can one ordinary man have so many enemies? I'm a people person... who drinks. Ah.

Oh, sure. Like I'm really gonna take a picture of my butt. Stop it, you two. And put on some nice clothes. Since it's just the four of us tonight, we're having dinner at The Rusty Barnacle. Yea, fried shrimp ! Aw, Mom. Can't we just grab a burger at-- Only four of us ? Who escaped ? Your father. He's having a boys' night out.

Look, Scratchy! It's our new friend, Poochie! What's that name again? I forgot.

Blast it, woman. You parked too close. Move your car! I'm in the lines. You got a problem, go tell your mama. Oh, don't worry. She'll hear about this.

All my other senses are getting sharper. Bart, you had pizza for lunch. Lisa, you're extremely depressed. As if! Hey, Homer, do you remember this voice? Kathleen Turner?

A man on a donkey! Never in my six weeks on the job have I seen the likes of this. Eh, looks like I needs some fuel for me mule, gas fer me ass.

I got it! We wait by his mailbox, and when he comes outside, we roll him up in a carpet and throw him off a bridge!

Isn't it wonderful? Master Hugh has found a true love.

we can keep this house clean. Dad, we're running out of clean clothes. It seems like I've been wearing this same red dress forever. Go up to the attic. There's a whole trunk of clothes up there.

I gotta think of a way to get out. Well, well, well. Look who's come crawling back.

You know, we're kind of like the original Odd Couple. You're the messy one, and I'm-- Shut up! Oh, yes. Very well. So, Bart, have your insides been gnawed away by guilt yet? Sell it to Hallmark, Sis.

May I spray you with the hose in a playful fashion? Eh, spray the boy. Well, ready for the big rummage sale?

He's changed, and he doesn't want to hang around with a bunch of crumb-bums. Crumb-bums? Nobody calls me a crumb-bum! Hey, back off, james.

Lisa ! Lisa Simpson ! Lisa, there's no room for crazy bebop in "My Country 'Tis of Thee." But Mr. Largo, that's what my country's all about.

Snowball II, I can't believe you're gone. I wrote this poem for you. It's called "Cat Math." "Four paws, plus one tail, "plus nine lives equals one special cat. "One special cat minus nine lives equals one sad little girl."

Yeah. It's the only way to win back Zelda. And if I go to prison, I'll get better food and more hugs.

Per our agreement! (GROANS IN DISGUST) Knock-kneed home renters. Can't we thin this herd with some smallpox-infected blankets? We're already immune, you jerk! Gee, I never noticed that before.

Yeah-- Ooh! He can't talk now. Marge? Hey! Smithers, I don't want that unpredictable lunatic working in my casino. Fine. We'll transfer him to the nuclear plant, sir. Oh, my beloved plant. How I miss her.

Let's all go out for some frosty chocolate milk shakes.

Oh! Hey, get out of the way, pal. You're blocking the exit. Oh, you want me to stamp your hand so you can get back in? Don't you dare! Bye, everybody! What a rip-off! It ain't even worth torching. Whoa! Where's everyone going? What's wrong? This place is the height of tedium. Yarr! She blows!

No, I don't. i got the joy, joy, joy, joy down in my heart where? DoWn in my heart to stay and if the devil doesn't like it he can sit on A tack - Ouch! Ouch! - Sit on A tack

Superintendent, I hope you're ready for mouthwatering hamburgers. I thought we were having steamed clams. D'oh, no. I said steamed hams. That's what I call hamburgers. You call hamburgers steamed hams? Yes. It's a regional dialect. Uh-huh. Uh, what region?

Oh, I should be resisting this, but I'm paralyzed with rage...

You wouldn't understand, Dad. You're not with it. I used to be "with it." But then they changed what "it" was. Now what I'm with isn't "it," and what's "it" seems weird and scary to me. It'll happen to you! No way, man. We're gonna keep on rockin' forever.

Oh! This is a very tough decision, girls. You're both very good. Well, I guess that clinches it.

Now let's go home. In Russia, stage is for performers only.

Oh, I failed again. Everybody can teach a class but me. I'm an idiot. What am I gonna tell my wife and kids? Oh, you're married? That depends. Is there another way to get this job?

I'm afraid you have no choice. And remember, this information is highly classified. Cheese! Good morning, Agent Johnson. The film you are about to see-- Here you are, sir. Wild raspberry compote,

What do we need a psychiatrist for ? We know our kid is nuts.

I don't know what you're saying. But I am not turning back. Then listen to me, lady. The only way you're getting off this mountain is in a box or a funicular. What about a hot air balloon? Pipe down, Jules Verne.

God's grace, that is. It's really sickening... there aren't more people like you. Now get out... your pen and we'll make it official. Oh, bless you, sir!

Hey! Sorry, old chap,

What do those women expect? When you sign a contract with Fox, you know you're gonna be betrayed and humiliated. Quiet! The commercial's on!

Most people laugh at my googly eye. Well, I've never seen a man politely pass up so many hors d'oeuvres. My husband, Maxtone Witherball, has already had three shrimp.

Clean as a whistle, Homer. Maybe the drawings were a little crude, but all the characters were there.

Now you can't tell me nicotine's not addictive! Lisa, there's absolutely no evidence-- Tomacco!

Oh, I'm sorry. Did I wake you? I wanted to return your hair dryer. Oh, and here's your brush. You just enjoy your grocery shopping, Marge. And if you pick up some semolina, I can make couscous for Lisa.

They sound like my kind of snacks. (BEEPING) Oh. (READING) Oh, my God! Look at these ingredients! "Hydrogenated petroleum oil, "monosodium poisonate, partially de-weaponized plutonium"?

Ah, there's nothing like canceling an employee drug plan to make one feel so at peace with the universe. I agree, sir. Shut up. I'm so sick of you, Smithers. Your toadying, your complete agreeability, your gasping on the floor... - (GASPING) - (SHOCKED CRY) Smithers! If this is some sort of hijink, stop it immediately.

Check. Three, two, one. Make rocket go now.

You want anything else? Water? Chili fries? How about some white noise? Oh, Homer. You don't... have to-- Sleep tight, Neddie.

"I want to pretend... - "I am a regular dumb kid. - Period. By this, I hope--" Oh, no. "For this, I will--"

Simpson, Homer Simpson He's the greatest guy in history From the town of Springfield He's about to hit a chestnut tree

Flanders, whets your secret? You never get arrested. You dont buy your clothes at Mr. Blob.

A hamster ball! Just like the one that saved Ezekiel! We're free! And we've got something to eat!

This is what a cornfield looks like, honey. You think those things could also have contributed to my fear of flying? Yes, yes. It's all a rich tapestry.

you know, just to check on the kids ? Homer, wake up ! There's no answer at home. So ? So I'm worried. I think we should go home.

One, two, tie your shoe Three, four, pick up the floor Five, six, don't play tricks It's on batteries. Clean your plate Nine, ten, start over again! Backed up by solar power. (GROANS)

the garbageman Can and he does it with A smile And never judges you

Tonight, we've all come to honor a close friend of ours. Boring! A man who provided the Burns Corporation with 45 years of faithful service, Mr. Jack Marley. Boring! Mr. Burns, if you don't mind,

Hey, four-eyes, vote Quimby. Hey, beard-o, vote Quimby. This time he's the lesser of two evils.

Okay. Rub-a-dub-dub, thanks for the grub. No ! Ignore the boy, Lord. Now, Can the chatter, and bow your heads. Dear Lord, thank you for this microwave bounty, even though we don't deserve it. I mean, our kids are uncontrollable hellions.

I knew I shouldn't have passed on that. Now, after the film, I'll be handing out these cards for your opinion. We then take your cards to Hollywood, California! And change the movie based on your suggestions. Any, uh, questions? Yes, over here. Thank you. Hi.

Sorry, bub. That crow won't caw. It won't? I hereby order you to be tethered to your son! Tethered? Tethered. Report to room 5. Room 5? There we go. How's that? Oh, it's a little tight.

Ich bin ein gymnast!

Well, I bet they miss me. (PLAYING UPBEAT MUSIC)

is spending time apart as individuals. Parents Island? Yuh-huh. I'm sure we'll appreciate each other all the more when we meet up at dinner. Are you kids gonna be all right? Kids?

Way to go, Homer. Hey, thank you. You're too kind. Glad you enjoyed it, but I can't take all the credit. The batter did his part too. Excuse me. You, sir, the dancin' fella. I'm Antoine "Tex" O'Hara. I own the Isotopes. Would you be interested in becoming our official mascot ?

who will pay good money for garbage? Not good money really. Each can'll get you a nickel. Oh, don't pooh-pooh a nickel, Lisa. A nickel will buy you a steak and kidney pie, a cup of coffee, a slice of cheesecake and a newsreel-- with enough change left over to ride the trolley... from Battery Park to the Polo Grounds. There's a can.

just eating and screaming and grabbing and poking and pulling and drooling. And two have cradle rash. How do you get cradle rash when you sleep in a suitcase? They can be a handful... of joy. - Shut up! - They'll fill your lives with-- - just shut up! - Can't put a price on a miracle. I can't believe you don't shut up.

They didn't have white onions because of the war. The only thing you could get was those big yellow ones.

Baby to Marge. Baby to Marge. Wah! Wah! Over. I don't know how we can afford these things on your salary. Hey, why don't I apply at the nuclear power plant?

These animals certainly act different at night.

Sorry, Dad. Maybe now youll appreciate us. While you’re spending the week at- Rock and roll fantasy camp! The Rolling Stones' Rock n’ Roll Fantasy Camp! But I thought you guys were mad at me. For once in my life, I'm confused. We had a family meeting...

I'm not just a one-line wonder. Did you know... that a section of rain forest the size of Kansas is burned every single-- just do the line.

He does not. Maggie, can you say "Daddy"? Daddy. Kitty. Kitty. Be-bop. Be-bop. Shove it. Shove it. Did you hear that? She said "burlap".

More. More. More. Uh, maybe you should eat the ones you have. I didn't say I was gonna eat them. I just wanted to look at them because they're so gross. What's for dessert? Bart, if you don't want to have a babysitter, maybe you should stop being such a baby.

My friendship-- You know you want it.

Batten down those cowlicks. Straighten that part. Uncross those eyes, mister. But I can't! Oh, sorry, Quigley.

Thanks a lot, Barney ! I just wasted my one phone call on your stupid ans-- Hello ! I'm home, I'm home ! Hello ! Oh, hi, Homer. You gotta help me, Barney. I'm in jail. You are ? Hey, Homer. Go to the window. Hi, neighbor. I can see you !

My purpose in life is to witness this moment. We need the outlet for our rock tumbler. Plug it in! Plug it in!

Simpsons be praised! Praise be to Springfield! (ULULATING) But not everyone is ululating tonight. The President announced today he is pointing warheads at...

Bridget Jones's diarrhea. Well, what about this? The Duff Book of World Records. It's got pictures of deformities. Okay. Oh. Oh.

Now, before we sit down to our delicious turkey puree, I have some happy news. The following people have relatives who wish they could be here today: Antonowski, Conroy, Falcone, Martin, Thorsen and Walsh.

'Cause you... You. No, you. You light up

S-S-So cold! Your lips are turning blue. I think you better stay home. No! Duff Gardens. Hurrah! We really appreciate you taking the children on such short notice.

it's, um, 123 Fake Street. 123 Fake Street. Got it.

Very good. Now do it a million times. See these ? American doughnuts. Glazed, powdered and raspberry-filled. Now how's that for freedom of choice ? Dad, do you think I might see your plutonium isolation module ?

Okay, now! Little help? Little help, please. I made a boom-boom. Oh, gross! Not where I pee! Get that out of here! The line in the ladies' room is far too long. I hope you don't mind-- Oh! Baby made a boom-boom. Oh, good heavens! Oh! Here you go, monkey.

(LAUGHING EVILLY) Some sucker will think he's getting beer,

You can start by scrubbing off some of this Capitol Hill graffiti. That's right. You got a lot of work ahead of you. Grover Cleveland sucks what? Leave that lest we forget. Look, someone on this farkakte committee's... gotta care about my air traffic bill!

Why did Lisa dump me? Is it because of my small calves? They're the hardest place to add mass! Cheer up, Milhouse. You got your whole life ahead of you. Oh, no!

I did it. D'oh!

Well, there's that $200 we've been saving for the new air conditioner. Oh, Marge, but we've needed a new air conditioner for years. And our stop-gap solution is getting cranky. I cannot believe this. I'm trying to give our daughter a head start in life,

What happened? Ah, it ain't no mystery. Whole modern world's got a swishifying effect on kids today. And their MTVs and their diet sodas...

Sweet screams. i'm unbelievably amused. Soon those bratty buttinskies will be encased in Lucite for all eternity.

Aw, hey. It's only money.

And though they may be ratlike in appearance, they are truly kings among men. - Okay, let's go, fatty. - Yes, sir. Ow! Ow! My heart!

I feel validated by that.

And turn and flex. And shake and bounce and turn. And flex and shake and bounce.

See what Dallas wants for the Cowboys. Uh, that's a football team, sir. They'll play what I tell 'em to play... for I am the mayor of Albuquerque!

To think I'll never hear their sweet voices again. Aah! You little--

f Groans f This has gotta be the slowest news day ever. Ah, that's better. Paris is no more. The legendary City of Lights has been extinguished forever as a massive- Okay, champ. "l" before "E," except after "C." Except when pronounced like "A," as in "neighbor" and "weigh." Really? Hmm!

Mom, will you stop showing us those.

one very special person they're the luckiest people in the world

Don't get into an unlicensed taxi, and remember, they have winter during our summer. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. So in August, it's cold? That's right. And in February, it's hot? Mm-hmm. So it's opposite land! Crooks chase cops, cats have puppies-- No, Dad. It's just the weather.

I just wish I had another one right now!

Oh, Flanders, won't you join me in my kitchen? Uh, doesn't work if you invite him. Hidilly-hey! Go home. Toodilly-do. Now don't you fret. When I'm through, he won't set foot in this town again.

- Makes you think, huh, Chief? - Not really.

Daybreak: Djakarta. The proud men and women of the navy are fighting for freedom. But you're in Lubbock, Texas, hosing the stains off a monument. You're in the naval reserve: America's 17th line of defense,

Man, this is livin'. Stop that! Cigars are for rich people and legendary comedians... like Bill "Crosby" and David "Letterson." Oops, forgot to swirl it.

(ALL SCREAMING)

Well, as the tree said to the lumberjack, I'm stumped. It's like he just disappeared into fat air. Hey, shut up!

Aw, come on, ya stupid-- Let that be a lesson to the rest of you... nuts. Okay, Dad. I'll be persistent. Is that how you got Mom?

Uh-oh. Ha! Wha--

Well, good! Try to include Bart and Lisa.

And now-- As for the matter of my honorarium. What? You know, my emolument. Huh? Pay me-- $300. 300? I could have gotten Rick Dees for that.

Going for... eight-hour walk.

And I'm glad! I love youse all! I love everybody! I wish I'd saved my money from the first show. Oh, I can't wait. Look, Marge. I had a scorecard printed up... at that all-night scorecard place. Isn't mid-season just a dumping ground for second-rate shows... that weren't good enough for the fall schedule? You're thinking of all the other years.

Hmm, looks about the same. Ah. Whoa. Tiny little people! My God! I've created life.

Higher! Higher! Oh, I'll give you higher, my filthy little urchin. You've won this round.

Say it, Frenchy. Say "chowdah"! Never!

wait till the kids fall asleep, and have sex in the car? Because I was saving that for my birthday! Now come on. (GIGGLING)

It works at so many levels. Roll it again. Next, they're gonna show my movie. - You made a movie? - I made a movie? No wonder I was on the cover of Entertainment Weekly.

Homer, I agree with you. And if I'm elected governor, I will lower taxes... whether those bureaucrats in the state capital like it or not ! Lisa, do you have a question you would like to ask your Uncle Montgomery ? Yes, sir. A very inane one. Mr. Burns,

but something about them didn't seem quite right.

Up! Up! Up! Oh, no!

Bart. Bart. Bart. Bart. Hmm.

Hooray for snakes! Hooray for snakes! Look at this everyone. Twelve dead snakes. I'm sick of you people. You're nothing but a pack of fickle mush-heads. He's right. Give us hell, Quimby. Born free

you just might be a Viking. That's what I get for sitting up front, eh? Oh, I love these jesters.

- Oh, Homie. Didn't that hurt? - No. Marge didn't reckon with these flyers... and this flashy jacket. Oh! Forget it, Homer. People don't read these things. Watch.

It's got a computer chip in it. Everything does. Oh! Oh!

Perhaps because you are a prepubescent ignoramus.

Here, guys. Why don't we play... this? Hey!

Milhouse! Milhouse, wake up. - Quick, look out the window. - No way, Bart. If I lean over, I leave myself open to wedgies, wet willies, or even the dreaded rear admiral. Otto, you gotta do something! There's a gremlin on the side of the bus!

Is there something wrong, Homie? No. It's just I've only... seen this movie twice before, and I've seen you every night for the last 11 year-- Yipes! What I meant to say is we'll snuggle tomorrow, sweetie. I promise.

I lost to Channel Ocho? What the hell is that?

Man, look at all this stuff. "Pull weeds, mow lawn, scoop and bag dog business." There's gotta be a way out of this. Lisa, chop off my hands. No! Then who'd chop off my hands? All right, you chop my hands halfway off, then I'll still have enough strength to chop--

Well, I might as well use this pucker for something. (TROMBONE PLAYING) (INHALES) (TROMBONE PLAYING)

Look! There's your father! Hey! Huh? Well, I’ve read enough articles about flirting... to know it when I see it.

Oh, real original. Who did this? Kappa Gamma Tau. Last in grades, first in pranks. Good evening, gentlemen. Oh, that's it. You're through, Dean. Now who's the dean?

The itchy and scraTchy show

Don't you read enough at school, bookworm?

Who is Homer? My name is Guy incognito.

Excellent, Zutroy. Work hard and each day you'll get a shiny penny. Agent Wesson, Department of Labor. This man's an illegal alien.

I could call for you. Oh, great. Tell them this is one of those places where rich women lose weight. Joe's Crematorium-- You kill 'em, we grill 'em. Hello. Who is this? Bart Simpson. Who are you? I'm Michael jackson. The Michael jackson?

These pants smell worse than my old pants. You're welcome. Listen, Lenny. I know I was a pretty bad Secret Santa so I wanted to make it up to you. A photo cube with pictures of us! And I filed down all the sharp corners.

And what church might that be? St. Pauli Girl's Cathedral. I dont care. Let's go there. Homer, that was not very Christian of you. You’re right, Marge. I'll make it up to them-

Let's tear this place apart! Good idea!

"Don't do what Donny Don't does." They could've made this clearer. Oh! They won't let you have any fun.

It's looking good, Mr. Simpson.

Mr. Simpson, these exotic items are suspiciously different... from your usual order of beer and pork. What gives? Uh, nothing, nothing.

Turn it back on! Turn it back on!

Good Lord! He's going to fire! All right! Scud the school, dude! No, stop. Think of the children.

This punishment is so cruel. And unusual. Can that judge do this to us?

The right to buy me a 62-inch TV! (GRUNTS) (CHUCKLES) HOMER: Now begins the long and spiritual journey to becoming an ordained minister. "Name." Homer Simpson.

$40! Hey! There's the Wampum Wagon! End of the line, boys! Look out because of the zooming! If we're late for school, we'll miss our free federal breakfast. Big deal. It's just saltines and fig paste.

I opened the box.

Cue sound effects. Rustier! Are you prepared to die, Poochie? No, I am not. Oh, cut, cut, cut, cut. just stick to the script as written, Homer.

Shut up! Oh, yes. Very well.

But not without me. Oh, geez! Let him try the new lines. All right. All right. We'll try them. Action. Hi, Poochie. You look like you've got something to say. - Do you? - Yes, I certainly do.

You do ? Why ? Oh, come on, Lis. You know why. No, why ? I'll never forgive you for making me say this. You're smarter than me. So, you with me ? Yeah, man. Oh, oh. Okay, okay.

Bart ! Stop Fighting with your sister !

Sold-- for a buck. Cool. What'd I buy? 35 Industry Way. Looks like my years of hard work have finally paid off.

Okay, i think i figured this thing out. You go up and down, but not side to side, or back in time. Clothes! We're saved! - Oh, these have pleats. - just grab 'em!

He ignored our criticisms! We're gonna have to track Randall Curtis down and make him listen to us. And I know just where to find him. 742 Evergreen Terrace. Dad, that's our address. Ah! He's in the house? No. He lives at the Cosmic Wars Ranch in Northern California. (IN UNISON) Can we go? Can we go?

(VOCALIZING) Repo man. I'm here to take your pants. Not in front of my son. Please! You're somebody's father? Yes, okay? Oh, boy.

Marge, you made it! And you wore that lovely suit. Karyn, Gillian, Eliza-beth,

Come on, crowd around. Crowd around. Don't be shy. Crowd around. Ladies and gentlemen, Krusty the Clown is dead.

I think she needs a diaper change.

All right, backwards boy. Back your butt down to detention.

Dad, there's a note on the back of your head. - Really? Read it. - Hmm. "Thanks for letting us crash in your pad. We had a very nice time." Oh, that's sweeT. - "P.S. We've taken your old lady." - D'oh!

Probably Marge is gonna have some. Actually, I think it might really help our economy. Very well then. Instead of fleeing this town, I'll stay here and grow fat off kickbacks and slush funds. Yea!

JJ f Big Band: Lounge Jazz]

Shake, shake, shake shake, shake, shake Shake, shake, shake His ass is gonna blow!

You know, we think some kids of ours may be missing in your town. Missing children? Sounds like Springfield's got a discipline problem. Maybe that's why we beat 'em at football nearly half the time, huh?

Ooh ! Ooh ! How much ? How much ? How much ? Well, you know, they're not giving 'em away. But sometimes, you've just gotta spoil yourself. Yeah.

"Unloved by all?" No!

Let it out, Marge. Laugh loud.

the mother bird bravely fights off such fearsome predators as the badger and the mongoose. Of course, one thing mother blue jay can't defend against... is a set of steel tongs. Eggs. Precious eggs. If they're to survive, they require the gentle warmth and tender love...

Aah ! Oof ! Ow, ow ! Ah ! Doh ! Ah ! Ow ! Ooh !

We're investigating a possible murder case. Oh. You mind if I tag along? I'm kind of a crime buff. If there's a body in here, we'll drag it up. Ah, heck. It's just an old shopping cart.

and the last man who saw them, C. Montgomery Burns. I don't understand. She was my young, sexy fiancée. He was my sexually virile best friend. And they just drove off in my Bugatti Sexarosa. How could this ever have happened? Well, according to our audience insta-poll, 46% say you're too old...

Who would have thunk it?

My mom's French, so we only celebrate Bastille Day.

Shake, shake, shake shake, shake, shake

Ooh, that was close. Wow. What a scam. Sorry, Son. Daddy failed.

We all blame you. Come on, Doc. There's gotta be something I can do to help my dad. Well, you could give him a kidney. A kidney? Okay, fine. You see, the waiting list for a kidney is very long, and-- I said fine. What is it about the word "sure" you don't understand?

Oh, sorry. What am I thinking?

Use your phony guns as clubs! Run, children! Start the bus, Otto! Start the bus! Damn! I shouldn't have eaten the mint first. Okay, hop on. Wait! Wait!

Pull the chain ! Huh ? Correct the dog. I don't want to strangle my dog. Pull the bloody chain, boy !

where no one will ever listen to it. Homer, didn't you get any milk? All I see is eggnog. 'Tis the season, Marge! We only get 30 sweet, noggy days. Then the government takes it away again.

Don't forget your stinkin' flag. Oh, why won't anyone believe my crazy story?

Oh, it's the four elephants of the Apocalypse. That's horsemen, Ned. Well, getting closer.

And now, Kidz Newz. With Kidz Newz anchor-- Lisa. Thank you. Our top story today--

Hey. What the-- Sorry, but if I let you watch one of these gruesome Halloween cartoons, I'd be a pretty lousy mother. Why don't you kids come trick-or-treating with Maggie and me? Nah, it's too early. I need to work under cover of darkness.

Mmm. No books, no radio, no board games. A Bazooka joe comic. I heard that one 75 years ago.

Wha-- Ha! Hot dog! A sale! Huh? I'll take it from here, Gil.

Are you kids ready to order yet? just get us another bowl of complimentary pickles. Watch how fast I go. And for you, sir?

The old Union Pacific doesn't come by here much anymore.

(GASPS) What did she say? Well, Marge, I'm surprised you haven't been run out of town. I'll have you know I am very well-liked in Springfield! Well, there you have it. Springfield hates America. Now coming up after this commercial, I will be talking even louder!

(SIZZLING) Behold the ultimate in anti-bear technology! The Bear Buster 5000! Available wherever fat men dream. (DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING) Oh, dear Lord.

Mom, I think something's wrong with me. I can't do anything right lately. You're just having a bad day. I had one last week. I burned the roast. My cake fell. And I ran out of butter, so I had to spray the English muffins with PAM. Maybe you're just a lousy cook. Ow! I'll go get the Bactine.

Aw, the Denver Broncos! I think owning the Denver Broncos is pretty good.

our churches, our cluBs our government too springfield swings like A pendulum do we can't even get any local laws passed without everyone singing

Pick me. Pick me, pick me.

You, off the bench.

Oooh ! Boogie-boogie boogie-boogie-boogie ! Hey, knock that off, or I'll stick this bat where the sun don't shine. Oh, yeah ? And where might that be ? Oh.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah yeah, yeah, yeah, no (ALL CHEER)

I didn't do it. I didn't do it.

Oh, excellent! You're incredible, Jessica.

I've argued in front of every judge in the state, often as a lawyer.

(ALL SCREAMING)

just because everyone who lived in that house was hacked to bits... doesn't mean the Flanders will be. I guess you're right. Who cares? Whatever happens, as our newest closer, you're entitled to wear the coveted closing blazer. And you get a third wall for your cubicle.

Are you stupider than a monkey?

Look what happened without my pills!

One minute you’re a carefree teenager... with dreams of being a rock star or a photographer for Playboy. Then bam! Some babe gets her claws in you- Huh? And boom, you got a bunch of kids that always needs love.

I know one of you is responsible for this. So repeat after me: If I withhold the truth, may I go straight to hell, where I will eat naught but burning-hot coals... and drink naught but burning-hot cola.

Sideshow Bob used to be Krusty the Clown's sidekick. But in 1990, he framed Krusty for armed robbery, and Bart got him put in jail. - Uh-huh. - When he got out, he married Aunt Selma...

We'll return for the remainder of the conclusion after these messages. Well, I'd rather get a message than see another lousy commercial. People of Earth, we have traveled all the way from space... to attend the most "astrotastic" event in the entire universe. You said it, Phil. It's the bimonthly Springfield sci-fi convention.

Well, you're talking 'bout the China Grove, whoa-oh-oh - Oh, China Grove - Huh? Pirates! Are you friendly pirates? Uh, not really, no.

Who's Charlene ? I'll show you who Charlene is ! Now start hating ! Aw. Hi, Bart.

Roofi he will show you how Visa, AMEX or MC Or make out that check to me! Give Daddy the remote, Maggie. Give Daddy the... D'oh! (LAUGHS)

Sorry, Homer. I was born a snake handler, and I'll die a snake handler.

i tell you, parents these days, they don't know how to rear children.

Uh, upstate New York. Really. Well, I'm from Utica, and I've never heard anyone use the phrase "steamed hams." Oh, not in Utica. No. It's an Albany expression. I see. You know, these hamburgers are quite similar to the ones they have at Krusty Burger. Oh, no.

It must be wonderful to ring in the New Year...

No! Not yet! I'm only 25! What up, chew-toys? Cienega here tightening the host clamps for you bad girls. We've got Kid Rock coming up for all you mosh monkeys. Whoo! I like music! Yo! Yo!

Monty! Monty! Thank you. You're too kind. Yes, that's it. Let it all out. Clutch me to your common bosom. Hey, look. He's getting up. No, no. Stop it. Stop it. You'll enrage the beast!

Please, stop it ! Wha-- Who are you people ? What do we want ? Substantially less violence in children's programming ! When do we want it ? Now ! No ! You're ruining the show ! Oh, stop it ! Please stop ! Oh, please !

Hi, everybody! Hi, Dr. Nick! Now, there are many options available... for dangerously underweight individuals like yourself. I recommend a slow, steady gorging process... combined with assal horizontology. Of course.

Now, are you gentlemen gonna buy some wigs or ain't ya? I guess fate was against us. It's really nobody's fault, right? Huh? Right?

J Who iet her jugs outJ J Lyoh, dth, dth, dthp J Marge iet her jugs outJ J Lyoh, dth, dth, dth, dthp J Who iet her jugs outJ J Lyoh, dth, dth, dthp J Marge iet her jugs outJ J Lyoh, dth, dth, dth, dthp

Homer, what are you going to do? Crazy scheme, crazy scheme, crazy scheme-- Get me tools and beer! Yes! Free service, here we come.

We worked so hard, and now it's all gone. We ended up with nothing because the three of us can't share. - What's your point ? - Nothin'. just kind of ticks me off.

I'll check the employee files to see who could pull off such an impersonation. It was either Pops Freshenmeyer... or Homer Simpson. Simpson, eh? Let's shut down this bowling scam right now.

Find me some good players-- living players. Scour the professional ranks-- the American League, the National League the Negro leagues. I'm on my way. Oh, and, Smithers you have 24 hours.

You will notice, my new best friend, that we are pretty casual around here. Yes, sir. I will notice that. Very casual, Mr. Scorpion. Don't call me Mr. Scorpion. It's Mr. Scorpio, but don't call me that either. Call me Hank. Uh, say, before we continue our tour,

Hey, Bart! Lisa's skateboarding with some cool kids. And she looks like Blossom. Lisa? With people? If they're impressed by her, I'm gonna Bart their world. Okay, Milhouse, you know the drill. Right. You go over and wow them. I hide in the shrubs.

He might have fallen into one of these machines! Oh, my God! That's his lucky red hat! He's a box! My boy's a box! Damn you! A box!

There ya go! Now, that's not so bad, is it?

Luckily, I have my trusty pocketknife. Stand back! Thank you, Dr. Hibbert. Don't thank me. Thank the knife.

we who don the cap and bells and tread beneath the proscenium arch. But tonight, you will all be transformed from dead-eyed suburbanites... into white-hot grease fires of pure entertainment! Except you. You're not working out.

Stop clapping! Whoa! Go, Lisa! Come on, everybody. Give it up for my little girl. Stop the clapping! You'll kill us all!

Open wide for some soccer! The Continental Soccer Association... is coming to Springfield! It's all here-- fast kickin', low scorin'. And ties? You bet!

Oh, don't worry. You'll pick it up fast.

Hi, Lisa. Hi, Super Nintendo Chalmers. I'm "learnding." Aw, way to go, Ralph. Oh, she's a beaut. You can't beat a Coleco. How many can I put you down for? A lot?

What advantages does this motorcar have... over, say, a train? Which I could also afford. Well, you'll notice how the heated gas pedal warms your feet while--

Ow ! My foot ! You lousy, stupid, clumsy-- See that ? Krusty wore big floppy shoes, but he's got little feet like all good-hearted people ! Sideshow Bob really fills his shoes with big ugly feet.

All in favor of demolishing our beloved burlesque house, raise your hands. Are they talkin' about the bordello?

Marge? I'm back here. Ah, the old folks. It happens every heat wave. Okay, people, out of my freezer! But we're hot and elderly!

By gar, it's been a while. The canary. Gas!

Hmm. Hmm? Ooh! How are Bart and Lisa gonna get out of this one? - Sorry. - It happens.

I don't like being outdoors, Smithers. For one thing, there are too many fat children.

Where's Mom going with Uncle Moe?

apple schnapps, apple martinis, uh, Snapple with vodka in it, apple nail polish remover-- Don't forget applesauce. Yeah. I suppose you could grind some pills into it. Aw.

We now go live to its founder, Mr. Nedward Flanders. Oh, morning, Kent. Our volunteers have done an amazing job... getting the park ready here. We're gonna show Springfield that faith and devotion... are the wildest thrill rides of all. All right. I hear the mayor's arriving for the ribbon cutting.

Hmm. It's pure. Hmm.

Hey, quit it! They like Itchy. They like Scratchy. One kid seems to love the Speedo man. What more do they want? Okay, how many of you kids would like Itchy and Scratchy...

Uh-oh. Silence in my courtroom!

Would you like to get together for a drink? Would I?! I got to go. See you at 6:00. You're going down, my friend. Yes, sir, Mr. Burns. That shouldn't be. Ach du lieber! Raccoons!

Uh, my wife always makes too much stuffing and sweet "potaters" and all. And-- Oh, heck. Would you like to spend Christmas with us? No way. I'm having Christmas at George Clooney's house. - Gary. - All right. I'll come.

We got to coordinate on this thing. Uh-huh. So the substitute teacher comes in and says her name is Mrs. Doody. And everyone's looking at me like, "Take it, Bart. Run with it." Then it hits me. I've become a clown.

Millions! And TV Guide's "Cheers and Jeers" editor.

Why, you little- Maggie!

Somebody hired me for an emergency bachelor party. Well, there's been a mistake.

Well, I-- Okay. We could try selling liquor. Uh, I'm doing great. Please, sir. Put some shoes on. What? You don't like my bags? People, these are all good ideas-- No, they're not. They're terrible, terrible ideas.

It was a different time-- 1998.

to join Otto and Becky at 742 Evergreen Terrace"? That's our address! I told Otto he could have the wedding here. Hope that's okay. You should have asked first, Bart. Weddings are hard work and cost thousands of dollars! Hey, it'll be easy. You still got most of the stuff from Apu's wedding back there.

This time I'm not gonna touch a thing. Mustn't crush, mustn't kill. Made it! Oh, I wish, I wish I hadn't killed that fish.

Oh-ho, it didn't use to be this way, Smithers.

He bit me right in the Axis! See? Now that's the kind of dog you should be. Mailman!

Smashy-smashy. I don't approve of that.

Why, you little..! What the..? D'oh!

Around the house I never lift A finger As A husband and father I'm subpar I'd rather drink A beer than Win father of the year I'm happy with things the way they are

Now as a special treat, courtesy of our friends at the meat council, please help yourselves to this tripe. Stop it! Stop it! Don't you realize you've just been brainwashed by corporate propaganda? Apparently, my crazy friend here hasn't heard of the food chain.

I don't want to die next to Kathy Griffin! (PEOPLE SCREAMING) (GASPS) The stars are falling to the earth! (GASPS) Just as you predicted. KRUSTY: Well, that's our show for tonight. I'd like to thank all the very talented people who broke my fall.

That raccoon stole my lamb chop! Let's have a little quality time together, just you and me. Oh, that's sweet. Guess what? There's a new place at the mall...

"Let Michigan handle it." Stop that! If you want some food, I'll be happy to make you some breakfast. I'd kill for some waffles.

Now we'll begin by-- Oops. Ah, did you see that jerk? Dropped his notes!

Are you gonna eat that all by yourself? Uh-huh. Pinchy would've wanted it this way.

Two minutes younger, skin like a China doll and bosoms till Tuesday. Well, don't worry. There's still plenty of fish in the sea. Right, Homer ? Oh, yes. Plenty of fish. We just don't have any bait.

Woke up this morning Got yourself a gun

There is no God! Fellow workers, I've been meeting with Mr. Burns day and night, and I've had enough. Strike! Strike! Strike! Strike! All in favor of a strike? Aye! All opposed? Nay. Who keeps saying that?

Just close your eyes and club. CLANCY: This is it, boys. We'll have to tummy-kiss our way out. (BLOWING TUMMY KISSES) (BABIES LAUGHING)

(CHOKING) (BOTH LAUGHING)

Hume Cronyn. Gregory Peck. Homer, I'm very uncomfortable having a gang of crows in our bedroom. It's a murder, honey. A group of crows is called a murder. I'm sleeping on the couch.

Uh, Bart? Yeah, Dad? - Do I like chicken? - Does it matter? I guess not.

Ha-hal Baby Stink Breath! It was worth it. I just wish there was some way to get back at my dad. When my mom wants to get back at my dad, she uses her lawyer. Does it make him cry? More than normal. Hey, Son.

Who wants to see their sexy new daddy? Whoa! Oh, Dad! Whoa. Wow. If your fly weren't open, you'd look just like Roger Moore.

Oh, I can picture it now. The screen door rusting off its filthy hinges, mangy dogs staggering about looking vainly for a place to die. Permission to speak frankly, sir ? Permission granted. Well, you are quite wealthy-- Thank you, Smithers. Your candor is most refreshing. No, no, I mean, why don't you pay for the fight yourself ?

Lisa's becoming very obsessive. This morning, I caught her trying to dissect her own raincoat. I know. And this perpetual motion machine she made today is a joke. It just keeps going faster and faster. And Bart isn't doing very well either. He needs boundaries and structure.

Yeah! Damn right! "Recipe for a free country: Mix one cup liberty with three teaspoons of justice. Add one informed electorate. Baste well with veto power." "My back is spineless. My belly is yellow.

Dad, Todd's speaking in tongues! I wish he were, Rod. I pray for the day, but I'm afraid he's just delirious from fever.

I cant see nothin'.

The Simpsons are going to Africa. Yea! What is it, N'gungo? Evil is coming. - What shall we do, N'gungo? - Uh-- You are N'gungo now.

I can't betray him. I'm afraid you have no choice. And remember, this information is highly classified. Cheese!

You missed a spot! (SPITS) Do it again! Yes, Mr. Gheet. I'm Anoop, you racist cracker! (GROANS) Bart, I need you to make a delivery to an elderly shut-in. And to get there, you must go through the forbidden zone.

I feel like making love Making love to you Catchy song, all right. You really wrote it? Yeah. As a tribute to Princess Di. And Dodi. Because these days, princesses--

But I still stand by my hiring policies. Get back to work, Stewart!

You're the miracle boy with the healing hands, arr, ain't ya? Nah. I don't do that anymore. So I guess I'll have to see someone else about my crippling depression. Arr. Arr.

Hey, Lise, you still upset about that jazz guy? Mmm. If it helps, I believe that after you die, you can come back as whatever you want. - I'll be a butterfly. - How come? Because nobody ever suspects the butterfly.

Young lady, that is not an olive fork! Here's a simple trick to help you remember. Ow! Hmm. Mmm-hmm.

What the hell are you smiling at? Oh. Now, in case all that smiling didn't cheer you up, there's one thing that never fails: a nice glass of warm milk, a little nap and a total frontal lobotomy. It's not so bad, Homer. They go in through your nose,

When I went to pick him up, Mom was trying to stab him with a hat pin. Shh! You make me feel you make me feel

I was praying you'd be safe, but t-to be honest, part of me wanted to see you get splattered. Oh, I think someone just had his first taste of bloodlust.

- homemakers... - Hu-yaah!!

All right, whatever. Welcome, friend. I'm Number Six.

Hello, Mr. Simpson. I'm Carl. He sounds good. Hire him.

Ta. I guess some people never change. Or they quickly change and then quickly change back. You know what? We don't need him or his trophy. We got each other, huh? Yeah, yeah. That's right, Moe. Aww. Go, Homer, you're our man! If you can't do it, nobody can!

Oh, no! The giant is waking up! (ALL SCREAMING) Oh, God. We're in a belly. Everyone, take off your shoes.

Homie, did you close the gate? Yes. Oh, you mean tonight. The dog will get out. Bart, close the gate!

All right, look, we gotta do something about Bunyan. We're going bankrupt just feedin' and clothin' the guy, not to mention the crushings. Hey, I say we get him drunk and drag him out of town. Same way we got rid of Laura Ingalls Wilder. Yeah, that's a great idea!

Maman, please pass the baguette. The food is so delicious here. And these Chanel suits are five for a dollar. I'm using a jacket as a napkin!

We're too late! I shouldn't have stopped for that haircut. Sorry.

you'll avoid catastrophe D'oh!

Barbecue. Ahh. Mmm. Hey, I'm back. Nice seeing you. Hey!

I know how you feel. You lost the couch. I lost the heavyweight championship. Heavyweight championship. There's three of those. That couch was one of a kind. I know things are tough now but one day, you'll be walking along and see a piece of furniture you can love just as much. Hey, Frazier, shut up!

- I don't get it. - What? Oh, right-- I don't have super powers... just yet. Sweet. It's headed for the business district. Not my company!

It's the dawn of an enlightened Springfield. Excellent. Now, next week is our state of the city address. Has everyone finalized their proposals? Well, first of all, I have a plan to eliminate obesity... in females. Oh, please. For a nickel a person tax increase, we could build a theater for shadow puppets. Balinese or Thai?

Hey, who's this guy? You remember Jack. He's that talented painter who had a little brush with the law. You brought a convict to live here near my unpatented idea? I seen your idea, and I don't want it. All I need is three squares and a job. That's right, a job.

Give me that! Okay. We're young, rich and full of sugar. What'll we do?

I don't hate you. I'm proud of you. You came through for your daughter when she needed you the most. Oh, thanks, Marge. But it'll take a lot more than that to comfort this tortured soul. Hey, boxy. - give me that! - Ohh!

There's a happy baby. Arent you?

I didn't do it.

I thought I told you: no returns for busted merchandise. What are you doing to my son?

Hi. I'm Phoney McRingring, mascot and president of the telephone company. I'm here to explain why the convenience of one area code in... Your town. has been replaced by the convenience of two area codes.

Hmm. That's odd. Usually the blood gets off at the second floor.

We made it, son. International waters-- the land that law forgot.

Don't touch the telescope, Bart.

Oh, my. Do I sound like that? Hey, it does work. I bet you could have a lot of fun with this.

Oh, I can't believe we went through all that... just to wind up with a tennis court. I bet you didn't see that comin'. You don't care what happens to me when I die. Of course I do, Dad. Aw. And if it were up to me, you wouldn't die at all.

Aww! What a beautiful story, Sideshow Bob. You're living proof that our revolving-door prison system works. I've never seen you so happy-- giggling like a schoolgirl. I've got to admit it, Selma...

Hey, kids! Summer's just around the corner, and Krusty Burger... is the official meat-flavored sandwich of the 1984 Olympics!

There's hours of time on the telephone line Talking about things to come Sweet dreams and flying machines In pieces on the ground Uh--

They smell good. They look good. You'd step over your own mother just to get one! But you can't stop at one. You wanna drink another woman. So I says, "Yeah, if you want that money, come and find it, "'cause I don't know where it is, you bologna.

You know, Senator, being in suspended animation gave me time to think. Partisan politics are tearing our country apart. You got a point there, Bill. If you and I are gonna whup these one-eyed space fellas, we're gonna have to set aside our differences.

Marge lives here? Madam President, your approval rating is soaring. Mmm. This dream is over. Hey, you, get out of my office! Nerd!

but I'm supposed to give you this survey rating the effectiveness of the Springfield Police Department. "Somewhat satisfied." I see. Well, maybe I'll just somewhat find your daughter, huh? Fine. "Extremely satisfied."

where 5% of the people control 95% of the wealth ? I'm defending a country where people can think, act and worship any way they want. - Can not. Can not. - Can too. Can too. Please, please, kids. Stop fighting. Maybe Lisa's right about America being a land of opportunity, and maybe Adil has a point about the machinery of capitalism...

Whack! Ooh. Excuse me. Whack, whack, whack! Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Give me the usual. He's much happier at work and-- Well, just between us girls, he hasn't been this frisky in years ! I don't wanna think about it. Daddy's home, sugar ! Come here, you !

I'm just an ordinary, blue-collar slob, but I know what I likes on TV. How did you get this number? Shut up! And another thing, how come I can't get no Tang around here? Also-- Hold on a second. People, our long search is over.

Puma Pride! Puma Pride! Catch the fever, Skinner!

I know. That's how you remember the four original provinces of Canada. Quebec, New Brunswick, Ontario, Nova Scotia. "Ouiet nerds burp only near school." And here's how you remember their principal exports. "Dogs eat barf solely on Wednesday, Mabel." Stop! I want to learn on my own. Canada's governors general:

A chick flick? Say it ain't so, Ho! Son, seeing sappy movies with a lady has certain payoffs. Like what? They'll do something with you that they hate? Exactly. Where do I begin To tell the story of how great a love can be?

If I sign it, it still counts! (SCREAMS) My hemophilia! (SCREAMS) Oh, uninsurable? Oh. (SIGHS) I'm not gonna worry just because Homer doesn't have insurance.

DustBuster? Yech! Sir, I've arranged for the people of Australia... to join hands tonight and spell out your name with candles. There's a satellite hookup on that monitor. If you'll just turn your head slightly-- Bah! No time. Next! I have some sad news to report.

Oh! Let me guess. Now you're gonna start working him over with the brass knuckles. You are so predictable. You know what would be surprising? A foot massage. Shut up. D'oh! Beating a man to a bloody pulp isn't going to impress me.

Little girl, what have you done with our precious angel? Nothing! Someone must have stolen it. Looks to me like Lisa Simpson found something science couldn't explain, so she had to destroy it. Well, that's all the evidence I need. Arrest the girl. Hey! What? She didn't do anything.

(ALL SCREAMING)

The trap! They call me mellow yellow Quite rightly This fellow never bellows Quite rightly Mmm.

Well, you look pretty successful. Thanks. I play a millionaire at parties.

Are you hungry? Are you cold? Do you want to go home? Lady, you just gave me the idea of a lifetime.

That should just about do it. Man alive. There's nothing better than a hamburger grilled to perfection--

(READING) Oh! MAN: Why don't you come with me, little girl On a magic carpet ride Now to turn on the moto-mimic. (BIKE MIMICS MOTORCYCLE ENGINE) It sounds like a motorcycle gang. And we don't have backup!

I'm afraid Bart's severe emotional dysfunction... stems from a deep-seated psychological trauma.

Ah, this is some party. If it gets any livelier, a funeral's gonna break out. Quiet, you. Nobody likes a comedian. Geez! Come on, Dad, we got company. Make with the yakety-yak-yak. Oh, yakety-yak-yak. - You, food bag, do you have a son? - Yes, sir, I do.

No ! Nuts. Doh ! This isn't going well at all. Look.

and stuffed the insides with sawdust and onions. Eww, gross ! Ooh, pretty creepy. Still, I'd rather have him chasing me than the Wolfman. Oh, Lord. Mr. Simpson, I'm going to be presumptuous.

Where can I get a pair for my, uh, mother? She wears a 12 double-E. Alec, Alec-- Regarding that so-called silent propulsion system... in The Hunt for Red October-- I printed out a list of technical errors... which I think you'd enjoy discussing. Somebody must have told them we live here.

Say hello to Jim Proudfoot from the Mohican tribe. Mohican? I thought you guys were all gone. No, but we encourage the myth. Chicks really dig you when you're the last of something. Uh, are we on Indian land?

others hunt For food the only thing I'm hunting For is an outfit that looks good

Cool, Larry the Looter.

Uh-uh. Ah, come on, Dad. This can be the miracle that saves the Simpsons' Christmas. If TV has taught me anything, it's that miracles always happen to poor kids at Christmas. It happened to Tiny Tim, it happened to Charlie Brown, it happened to the Smurfs, and it's gonna happen to us.

Hang in there, Homer! Only 440 more seconds. He's gettin' his second wind. No, he's gettin' killed! He's gonna die on his feet. I can't watch this. I gotta get outta here. Kill the bum!

Wearing a jamaican hat makes a bold statement about your connection to reggae music. Well, excu-u-uSe me! You know what, Dad? Maybe we'll go exploring on our own for a while. Well, Homer, this is it. Time to get back with the people.

Your manager says for you to shut up! Vera said that? Huh.

Son, it doesn't take five brains in your head to know that's a bad idea. You saw I'd become a monster and you stopped me like a man. I'm proud of you. And now it's time for me to go to hell. Ow! Ooh! Ooh! Ah! Oy! Oy! Ooh! Ow! Dead. (SOBBING)

Well, let me just say I want to put the "stu" back in students. It's just a damn popularity contest with you kids. Now look what you've done, you little freaks!

But, Amber, I can change. Will you shut up? All right, let's get our story straight For Marge and Maude.

No deal. Out. Get in the shelter, Homer.

And now it's time for another episode of--

Dental plan! Lisa needs braces. Dental plan! Lisa needs braces. Dental plan! Lisa needs braces. Bull's-eye!

Okilly-dokilly-do! Hens love roosters geese love ganders everyone else loves Ned Flanders

She called me a P.C. thug. Well, I've been called a greasy thug too, and it never stops hurting. So here's what we're gonna do: Grease ourselves up real good and trash that place with a baseball bat.

My name is Stacy. But you can call me-- I see exactly what you mean. This is a problem. But what do you expect me to do? Change what she says. It's your company. Not since I was forced out in 1974. They said my way of thinking just wasn't cost-effective.

Hurricane! Somehow the animals are always the first to know. And the weather service has warned us to brace ourselves for the onslaught...

It's like a freakin' Country Bear jamboroo around here! Well, now, realistically, Homer, I've lived here some 30-odd years. This is the first and only bear I've ever seen. Hey, if you want wild bears eating your children... and scaring away your salmon, that's your business. But I'm not gonna take it! Who's with me?

Now, close your eyes for a moment and really listen to that inner voice inside. Your inner child. Listen. What's he saying? Stay the course, Big Ned. You're doing super. Food goes in here. It sure does.

I got a plan that can't fail. Yiddle, my man, you're a genius. I love my work.

Marge, what's my blood type ? A-positive. Aw, nuts. Extremely rare blood, and I don't have it. You know his blood type ? How romantic. A mother knows everything about her family.

Listen, I've got a plan to get Ling back. But we must be discreet. You never know where there might be a spy. Yes, tell me your plan in detail, American sister. - Don't have a cattle, dude. - (GRUNTS) Let's talk about this outside.

I have never seen such an obvious attempt to curry my favor.

Quiet ! When you work like a man, we will feed you like one. Now go to sleep ! Hey, hey, come on. Move it, pal. You leave Maurice alone. The floor is good enough for you. You go to sleep there.

And what church might that be? St. Pauli Girl's Cathedral. I dont care. Let's go there. Homer, that was not very Christian of you. You’re right, Marge. I'll make it up to them- by throwing the "bitchin'est" beer bash this church has ever seen!

I'll teach you to comb it over so no one can tell-- Just like my hair.

But I can't be out of beer. I'm the Beer Baron! Homer, my customers are sobering up, and they ain't gonna stick around for the "ambiance." You gotta get me more beer! Sorry, I'm all out. How about some turpentine? Or caulk? Delicious caulk? Look, find it, buy it, make it-- I don't care.

Milhouse has BonestorM! This is great! And all I've done is enter my name-- Thrillhouse!

Want a chocolate? Hold it right there, Forrest Plump! This town has laws against impersonating movie characters. Oh, behave! Uh-- Oh.

that petty vandalism such as graffiti is down 80%, while heavy sack beatings are up a shocking 900%?

But I sobered up long enough to become a pilot. With you beside me, I think I could make it work. How about a half-hour of pity sex? Is there any other kind? (BURPS)

North Haverbrook. Where have I heard that name before? Oh, no. Oh, no! There he is-- seat 3-F!

Naked girl avalanche? Uh, you die eating a submarine sandwich. What kind of bread? Uh, country Parmesan. Woo-hoo!

Phew! Boy, that-- Ow!

You’ll be shooting angels in heaven. Well, boys, now it's ourturn. This always made me feel like a man, you know? Now all I got is my enormous genitals. Three cheers for a gun-free Springfield! Hip hip hooray!

You can't hold me back. I swear I'm gonna do better. Look at my eyes. See the sincerity ? See the conviction ? See the fear ? As God is my witness, I can pass the fourth grade !

And I say that as a teenager and the parent of a teenager. Fixing all that damage is gonna be very expensive. Yes. Barring some sort of miracle-- All right, we'll help ourselves... yet again. People, we need some fund-raising ideas. Let's just write to David Bowie again.

Now, folks, nothing spells fun... like rhinestones on a dungaree jacket. Stu, you should buy that. Hey. Disco Stu doesn't advertise. Uh, hey, Ned, let me help you with that.

Wow, what an ending. Who would have thought Darth Vader was Luke Skywalker's father? Well, thank you, Mr. Blow-The-Picture-For-Me. Marge, you're as pretty as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

Oh, he just looked so forlorn, Smithers, with his... "I can't go to prison, Monty. They'll eat me alive!" Say, I wonder if this Homer Nixon is any relation? Unlikely, sir. They-- They spell and pronounce their name differently. Bah! Schedule a game and I'll ask him myself.

ringing doorbells at random. And I just... (WAILING) Who am I fooling with my awesome lies? I want you to come back to Springfield! Why? So you can make me a laughingstock again? No. I want to make you a respecting-stock.

(GRUNTS) You heard the lady! Clean your plate!

Oh-- Heh, well-- Th-That sounds super duper.

Itchy Poochie, Scratchbob Itchpants, Confederate Itchy and Osama Bin Scratchy.

An elegy no one will ever hear. Well, at least some good came out of today. Bart, you're grounded for a year! I'll just pay the fine. Okay. Three bucks. Why don't you publish your poem? Publish it myself? Why not? I could put out a whole newspaper dedicated to the rock!

You knucklehead! A little help! I'll give you a little help. Oww! Oww-oww-oww! Oww! Oww! Oww! Oww!

You will give 110%. That's impossible. No one can give more than 100%. By definition, that is the most anyone can give. I got it! I got it!

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Ta-da! Aah! Yea, Krustys! Hey-hey! Grazie, grazie.

It should focus automatically. It do. Chief, you might want to take a look outside. That's it! Kill Krusty! Just like you'll kill him tomorrow night! Oh, it's so great to see a kid using a wooden bat.

This is what I think of your store! Silly customer! You cannot hurt a Twinkie!

I'll make you a deal. You rip up that ticket, and I'll give you back your hat. Whoo, whoo, whoo! Ha, ha! Homer, taking an officer's cap is an arrestable offense. Ooh! What are you gonna do about it? What are you gonna do?

Candy and sodas for all. Mmm, convenient. Homer, this-this is never easy to say.

The babies' damage exceeds $1 million. Which will now be sucked out of your pockets. MAN: My loose change! Let me now introduce a woman who wants to make sure that what I just did never happens again.

not a freak show. $1.20? Come one, come all. See the amazing frozen man. Also gaze at the Frito found in a bag of Doritos. Marvel at the floor that just won't come clean!

Oh, my goodness. Look at you. I got this body in prison. l was Miss Mexican Mafia three years in a row. Wow. You know, another four inches on your neck, and you’d look pretty hot. Ever thought of competing? I dont have those kind of muscles. Well, you could if you used these.

Thanks, Bart. That's really sweet. (SIGHS) I think I puked up all of my meanness. Ow!

who makes The Simpsons possible.

Any questions? Yes. Bart's weird friend. Will you be my dad? You've got a father. He's just a dud. Next question. Yes. The girl Bart has a crush on.

At your service, milady. Cara mia. Hey, public display! Yeah, what's with the love thang? Let's just say the country air did us good. Whoo!

Uh, uh, pretty, uh, freaky, huh? The only people who are going to be freaked out are our stockholders! I'm sensing some negative vibes here. But I promise tomorrow's freak-out will go a lot smoother. There won't be any more freak-outs. You're not a hippie, and you never were.

Don't worry. There's plenty I can do to keep myself occupied. Maybe I'll check out that ax collection. See ya later. Mom, is Dad gonna kill us? We're just gonna have to wait and see.

Now, just relax. For once, you didn't do anything wrong. just explain yourself and everyone will understand. I-- Took the money? Yes, we know. - He confessed! - Okay! Huh! Stop him! He's headed for the window!

Tonight Chloe interviews Bob Dylan. So, Bob, what religion are you converting to now? Hey, I'll tell you one thing... (UNINTELLIGIBLE GIBBERISH) No war. Shalom.

Ooh! My mouth. My beautiful mouth. Excellent bout. Now we go party.

Gentlemen, I have found the final member of our cabal. Count Fudgeula? I thought you wanted to get off the stuff. I'm a monster. Don't look at me.

Very well. It's time for your bribe. Now, you can either have the washer and dryer where the lovely Smithers is standing, or you can trade it all in for what's in this box. The box. The box! Burns, this is a big problem. You just can't throw money at it and make it go away.

(HUMMING) Are you watching? Are you watching? (MOANS)

Sir, if you just quiet down, I'd be happy to treat you to a garbage bag full of popcorn.

Come on! He likes sunsets. What more do you want? Yarr! I'm not attractive. Our last bachelor likes women who take their clothes off for money. Let's hear it for Moe!

Whoa, man. Look at the size of this thing. I wonder if it really works.

You forgot the special lunches I made. That's okay, Mom ! We got money ! Now, just a darn-- Aah ! Mmm. Oh.

Ha, ha. Nobody gets away from Moe. Nobody. Oh. Oh.

Oh, I wish my family was with me. Sorry, Marge. They're just not our sort. Well, then I'd like to speak with Jesus. I'm afraid he's gone native. (LAUGHING) Whoa! Stop it! Guys, I'm serious!

Our residents... are trying... to nap!

Wow, there's only one doughnut left. Yeah, ya drooled all over it, ya-- Gentlemen, there's only one solution. We place this last doughnut in the reactor core... exposing it to radiation, thereby making it big! Yeah, it worked on my hand! Oh, wait. It's this hand. Whoa!

French it up, lover boy! I'm not a machine. I can't just turn it on! Oh! Come here. (MOANS) (GROANS) Now pull over! First, raise my allowance. Why, you little... (TIRES SCREECHING) (CHOKING)

His float’s already moving. I didnt even hear the engine start. Yeah. ts really runnin' quiet. Some mechanic tuned it up right before the parade. A mechanic?

Am I really? Aha! Hello. All right, pal, where'd you get the sugar for that tea? I nicked it when you let your guard down for that split second. And I'd do it again. Good-bye. Do you see, Marge? Do you see?

I must be getting close. I recognize that girl. Oh, Bart, I think we're lost. I used to be lcyst- until a friend turned me onto a book. A book that changed my life. ts called Lisa is Stupid. You die now!

- Up and atom. - Up and at them. Up and atom! Up and at them! - Up and atom! - Up and at them! Better.

That's using your noodle. J;

Curly, straight. Curly, straight. Curly, straight. Curly, straight. Mr. Simpson, I don't think he likes that.

"I am so tired of you saying that I put beans in your bindle! It just makes me so"-- "Do you ever shut up?" "Kiss me, you fool!" Uh, could we hear another tall tale?

f Male Announcer] K I'osk Productions presents an outer space adventure... starring you) One da y while flying your spaceship... you saw a planet and decided to iand

Eat my shorts. All right, I'll eat-- Eat your shorts? Yeah, eat my shorts. ButtmaN na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na buttman Buttman?

Perhaps, but this monkey skeleton is in love! Oh. Who am I kidding? I'm just a feeble old man. Gloria!

Here you go. And have a bumper sticker. Thank you. "A gay president in 2084"? We're realistic. Hurry! Hurry up! i have to pee!

(CLEARS THROAT) Oh, uh, sorry, I'd tip you, but I don't have any cash. You know, you could wish for some. I could... Wait. Before you go, there's one thing I gotta know. What happened to my family?

Nope. Nope. Nope. He wouldn't even hear me out. Find the bathroom all right? Uh... yeah.

No talking. Is that gum? Is that gum? Is that gum?

There it is-- F-5. I don't believe it. Now my pants are chafin' me. All right, who's Jimbo Jones? - I am. - You just made your second mistake, buddy boy!

I can't see, you idiot! Take your hands off my eyes! Whoa! Whoa! Ooh! Ahh!

Ohh! Urp! Rancid meat attack! Stupid parasites! Is there no way I can find justice?

Uh-uh. Nope. Try joining a gym. Oh, ye gods! Hey, man, if you like that, you should see my butt. You. You're my Stanley.

I am so terribly sorry, sir. It appears that your tiger has been sent to St. Louis. Mm-hmm. I should send you to St. Louis!

What? It's not "Magaggie's" birthday? Oh. Hey! Hey! Hey! Stop it! I made a special cake for you to ruin. It's over there. Ooh.

"We have kidnapped your son. "Follow instructions and Bart will not be harmed." Follow instructions? He's doomed! (WAILING) This'll be the worst Thanksgiving dinner ever! Thanksgiving's not for months! The bad news keeps on coming!

We'll be on our-- I've heard them say so often They can love their wives ooh But I think that's just foolish

Hold still while I gas you.

oof ! Ticket, please. I don't have a ticket. Come with me, boy. We've got a stowaway, sir. I'll pay. How much ? Twice the fare from Tucson to Flagstaff... minus two-thirds of the fare from Albuquerque to El Paso.

Ensign Kodos, set coordinates... for the obscure T-shirt-producing planet known as Earth. It's time I paid a visit to... my daughter.

Those two monkeys are killing each other!

Ohh, English side ruined! Must use French instructions! "Le grille"? What the hell is that? Oh! Come here-- Get-- Uh! Come on! Fit, you! Huh?

Lookin' for a good time, sailor? I certainly am. No, you're not! He's really not. And that's how, with a few minor adjustments, you can turn a regular gun into five guns.

Aw, hey. It's only money. And it did make a cool splash. (GIGGLES) Marge, you're taking this pretty well. Dude, she seemed tense, so we put a little hashish in her meal. Cool.

Havin' my baby What a lovely way to say how much you love me Nearer my God to thee Nearer to thee Oh, perfume !

No, goldenrod is for coma fantasies. I see. So, uh, what time tomorrow? Escort these men out... now. Get your hands off me! Get off! I don't need your stinkin' show anyway!

Look, Scratchy! It's our new friend, Poochie! What's that name again? I forgot.

sometimes have to bend the rules a little in order to hold our own.

Oh, so you got out of your crib. I guess you need to be tied up too. Maggie, where are you ?

Uh-oh, acid rain again. Oh!

What? Why? The man who framed you is a crooked detective, who I hired. Why did you do that?

just a minute! Hello? Your son was trespassing on my property... and destroyed a very valuable stone gargoyle and--

Oh. Flushing Meadows.

You know, I've been with this show from the beginning and I was, uh... I was wondering if I could get a small cost of living raise? Interesting. Please welcome new panelist, Barney Gumble. That light's a little bright. You think you can move it? Please welcome our newest panelist, Disco Stu.

Don't worry. No child will ever starve in my home. So long, kids! Enjoy your new home! Say "hi" to your other brother and sister.

I am not too fat. I'm alive, aren't I?

No, sir. That's a good boy. Let's get you some ice cream. There we are. Look. You can drug me all you want, but my family won't rest until they find my drug-bloated corpse! I wouldn't count on that, Number Five. As far as your family knows, Homer Simpson is walking in the front door...

Homer! Homer! Homer!

Well, Lisa, we're out of Egypt. So, what's next for the Israelites? Land of milk and honey? Hmm. Well, actually it looks like we're in for 40 years of wandering the desert. Forty years?

It was an amusing episode... of our lives.

she's already won the Little Miss Intensive Care Pageant. Congratulations, Lisa. You're the new Little Miss Springfield. Here's your scepter. Oop! just kidding. Here you go. Oop!

He's like a riddle wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a vest.

What can I do for you? This is a crank call that backfired and I'd like to bail out right now. Better luck next time. Hmm, what a nice young man. I'm sorry you're mad, but this isn't personal. This is business. Business, eh? Well, you just lost yourself a customer.

Yes! Excellent. Yes! Whoo-hoo! We won! We won!

I don't need to do my work, 'cause someone else will do it for me. D'oh, d'oh, d'oh. Hey, you okay, Grimey? I'm better than okay. I'm Homer Simpson. You wish.

Well, I guess this is a case where we'll have to agree to disagree. - I don't agree to that. - Neither do I. This is a dilly of a pickle. Oh, my God! The P.T.A. has disbanded!

Hello. Uh, Homer Simpson is a brilliant man... with lots of well thought-out practical ideas. He is ensuring the financial security of this company for years to come-- Oh, yes. And his personal hygiene is above reproach. Whoa ! Our dad's the greatest ! All right, Homer.

Whoo-hoo ! Whoo-hoo ! I-- Aah ! Oof ! Ow, ow ! Ah ! Oh ! Ah ! Oh ! Eee ! Ow ! Oh ! Doh ! Doh ! Oh ! Ah ! Ah ! Ooh ! Ow !

Oh, the network slogan is true. Watch Fox and be damned for all eternity.

How could I even get all five necessary drops into her cereal?

See you at 6:00 a.m.

'Course I do. Sorry.

You think so, huh ? Well, there's only one way to find out. Follow me.

What's the matter with your face? Is that a fake nose? Are you wearing chin putty? I don't have to listen to these wild allegations!

Second place? Oh, man. This” just encourage her. I'm tired of her criticizing my saggy glutes. Quiet. Her muscular ears can hear us.

Hey, Springfield. If you're driving, you may wanna sit down. Uh-oh. Because it's time for Bill and Marty's 5:00 news "flush."

Hey, Bart. How's your arm? It's all right. I was hoping they'd give me one of those steel claws, but what are you gonna do?

No. I speak of a deeper wisdom.

Shut up, Becky! There, I finally said it.

Love And for the hate Shh!

Good evening. I've been asked to tell you... that the following show is very scary, with stuff that might give your kids nightmares. You see, there are some crybabies out there--

birth certificate, and your death certificate. just hold onto that one in your safe-deposit box. Most humble and grateful thanks to you. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Can the courtesy. You're an American now.

MARGE: Step on it! Those horn dogs! They ditched us again! You know what this means?

So you say Batista's gone. Did you know that? I had no idea. In that case, just take us to whoever's in charge.

Uh, the second one. "Zilliphone." Next question. Is the alien Santa Claus? Uh, yes. Were you on my roof last night stealing my weather vane? This interview is over! I remember another gentle visitor from the heavens.

What the-- If this is anyone but Steve Allen, you're stealing my bit.

for the sake of family unity. Everyone... I'd like you to meet-- Aah! It's Sideshow Bob! What the..? I'm afraid their reaction is understandable.

The Simpsons' amazing journey began here... in the bustling heartland town of Springfield. On this unassuming street, two nobodies... named Homer and Marge Simpson settled down to raise a family. First came baby Bart.

Wow! How many Pulitzer Prize winners can do that? just me and Eudora Welty.

Folks, this is your captain speaking. Our nonstop flight to Tahiti will be making a brief layover in North Haverbrook. North Haverbrook. Where have I heard that name before? Oh, no. Oh, no!

Hello, St. Louis! That's Springfield, Steven. Oh, yeah. Right. Are you ready to rock? Yeah! I said, are you ready to rock!

It was a tumultuous time for our nation. The clear-beverage craze gave us all a reason to live. The information superhighway showed the average person... what some nerd thinks about Star Trek. And the domestication of the dog continued unabated. I was at my workstation when suddenly--

Little Homer's trying to groove.

Clang, clang, clang went the trolley Ring, ring, ring went the bell - Zing, Zing, zing went my heart strings-- Thank you! Give the bully an extra point.

Ahh, it got boring. I'm really into this cup and ball now.

Hello. Dad, what are you doin' here? Lookin' for my teeth. Gimme those! Better wash these off. Oh, the hell with it. Well, Grampa, as long as you're here,

Good night, Stampy.

Earth. Anyway, have you ever wondered what it feels like to touch a star? Cool! Or which of the Three Stooges had the heaviest brain?

jealous? Well, no. We've got the same chair. You're jealous. Your membership pack.

I don't care what you say. I can taste the newspaper. Posh! Shredded newspapers add much needed roughage and essential inks. Besides, you didn't notice the old gym mats. There's very little meat in these gym mats. Our demands are very reasonable. By ignoring them, you're selling out these children's futures.

What kind of show you got for us, Mr. Burns? Well, the ape's going to stand around for three hours or so. Then we'll close with the ethnic comedy of Dugan and Dershowitz. Sensational! Ladies and gentlemen, in his native land, he was a king.

'Cause I can change that. I'm Carlton Witherspoon III. Where's my 5-iron? Krusty, I don't usually give advice to Republicans. But it would be nice to be on the winning side for once. You have to start making an honest connection with the voters. Talk about how you can help regular families like ours.

Well, I'm better than dirt. Well, most kinds of dirt. I mean, not that fancy, store-bought dirt. That stuff's loaded with nutrients. I can't compete with that stuff. That I cannot bowl wreaks havoc with my self-esteem as well, but who am I to complain?

trapping two youngsters and their camera. Oh, no. That's Bart and Lisa! Unfortunately, fire trucks are unavailable to fight the blaze... as they're all being used to film the new Burt Reynolds movie, Fireball and Mudflap. I caught up with Burt on the set. So, Burt, tell us a little about Fireball and Mudflap.

Wake up, you lousy drunk! Hold me close. Kiss me. I'm Irish.

I went to Circus of Values and bought you a ten-gallon tub of gummi bears. I'm sorry about getting you thrown in the penguin house. That's all right, Bart. I love Saint Sebastian's. It's run by a group of French Canadian nuns. They're very nice except they never let me out.

Well, if you really must know, (WHISPERS) I'm a prison snitch.

Hey. That looks like Princess Di. Aw, wait. It's just a pile of rags.

And with the East German-- women shaving their backs 9,000 miles away, the Americans are heavy favorites. Patience, my pet. And the Americans jump out to an early lead. Although we should point out...

Mmm. Can I help you? Maybe. I'm Lindsay Naegle, and I dont want to spend another fiscal year alone. Cookie Kwan, Realtor. Number one on the west side. I could move you into a beautiful new home- mine! Sign here. Sign here. Kiss me here. Initial there. What the- f Radio: Child Announcer] You 're listening to Radio Disney.

When he's done in there, I gotta go.

(GASPS) My, you look awfully pale. Let's get you some fresh air. Hey, while you're there, can you get my Frisbee off the ledge? All right. But I swear to God, this is the very last time. (GRUNTING)

Daddy, I had the craziest dream. Ralphie, you're still in it. Whee!

But now I see it is more of a Fruitopia. I'm sure what Dr. Hawking means is-- Silence. I don't need anyone to talk for me, except this voice box. You have clearly been corrupted by power. For shame! Larry Flynt is right! You guys stink!

Good Lord! We've discovered the ruins of an ancient city. Okay, you do better.

Good news, sir. The softball team won again. If we beat Shelbyville, we capture the pennant. Did you hear that, Ari? My boys need only to thump your tub, and the title is ours. Ha! The Gladiators from my power plant will crush your team like nine flabby grapes. I disagree.

Dad, we hit Don Rickles. I'm okay, but the Puerto Rican guy's trying to steal your hubcaps. Just kiddin'. I'm a nice guy.

Come out. Come out or I'll blow your house in. Not by the hairs on our chinny chin chins. What a load of crappy crap crap! Quiet, boy. I have a feeling some bad stuff is about to go down. This is where the wolf blows down the pigs' house.

Deal. Next, your Mickey Mantle for my picture of Homer on the couch. Milhouse, I've got to go. My dad thinks I'm having my braces examined. Well, you kind of sort of are.

No, not in my mouth... is what the kid would say. To the bluffs!

Oh, wait, there is. Probably not much of it. Why can't you be a little more supportive? 'Cause I don't care, okay? I can't fake an interest in this, and I'm an expert at faking an interest in your kooky projects. What "kooky projects"? You know, the painting class, the first aid course, the whole Lamaze thing. Why didn't you tell me you felt this way?

Models? Oh, boy. Okay, look cool. Wait a minute. You're all from Russia? Da! - And you really think I'm attractive, huh? - Da.

Do you think he noticed? Where's Santa's Little Helper? Who? Um, I took him to a kennel two towns over just till the new dog gets settled. We wrecked the first dog. We've gotta treat this one right. Bart, why don't you take Laddie for another walk?

Bullwinkle's antler's sprung a leak.

Crack that whip

I hope you enjoyed my one-man pie fight, kids.

The perfect crime. Marge, I have to be in court next Tuesday.

Ohhh, we're "cordially invited this Saturday... to join Otto and Becky at 742 Evergreen Terrace"? That's our address! I told Otto he could have the wedding here. Hope that's okay. You should have asked first, Bart. Weddings are hard work and cost thousands of dollars!

Come on, Lise. There's gotta be a way to lure that badger out. Well, according to WhatBadgersEat.com, "Badgers subsist primarily on a diet of stoats, voles and marmots." Hmm, stoats. Stoats. Stoats are weasels, Bart. They don't come in cans.

I'm gonna allow it. It characterizes the defendant as a carjacker.

I'm sure it is, but why do we want to do that ? Because sometimes the only way you can feel good about yourself... is by making someone else look bad. And I'm tired of making other people feel good about themselves.

There. That's the last one.

Hey, hey, kids.

Somethin' wrong, Yank? No. It's pretty big, I guess. I'll just have a cup of coffee. Beer it is. No, I said coffee. - Beer? - Coff-ee. Be-er? C-O-- B-E--

(SOBBING) I am so sorry about what happened. But at least you saw what it was like to be married to me for a little while. (SOBS HARDER)

"Dog on Fire." Ruff! Anyone order a hot dog? Look at him! And finally, "Baby With a Nail Gun." Aw. It's time to cast your votes. "Dog on Fire!" "Dog on Fire!"

A man of grace and humor. But I mistreated him and drove him to a life of crime. So wherever you are, I just want to say, Sideshow Bob, I'm sorry. Oh, Bob, you repaid my abuse with raw hatred

I've got no time for your demented parlor games.

D'oh! This is a great invention. Watch. We got a great big convoy Rocking through the night We got a great big convoy Ain't she a beautiful sight? Convoy Quit it, Dad! Hey, good-looking,

How about you, lucky?

Uh, hey, what about military school? It set my brother straight. Now he owns and operates a famous cave. Hmm, you know, maybe Chief Wiggum is right. Military school is a good idea.

I mean, man, is that a good movie. Yea! And last Christmas, Marge made us gingerbread men. And there was a hair in one. Well, I'll let you in on a little secret about Marge Simpson. She's got webbed toes. Ew, that's gross. - Come on. - Please.

Biggest tree from the finest lot in town. Stupid jerk! Dad, I don't like the looks of this neighborhood. It's fine. Now, everyone just relax, lock your doors, don't make eye contact with anyone, and listen to the radio. RADIO ANNOUNCER: Now let's downshift into the holiday spirit with Christmas Convoy.

Yes, we put the Spring in Springfield

- Homey, quit tossing. - Sorry, Marge. But I'm still steamed up about that jerk Flanders. Lousy bragging know-it-all show-off. What exactly did he say ? Get this. He said-- Now-- He said--

That's very disturbing.

And now, the winner of the grand prize. Barney Gumble!

And every night the monkey butlers will regale us with jungle stories. How many monkey butlers will there be? One at first, but he'll train others. Cool! Yeah! Good. Let's get to work. Me and Nelson will build the tree house.

Are you the person that called NASA yesterday? No, it wasn't me! I swear! It was... him! Sir, how would you like to get higher than you've ever been in your life? Be an astronaut? Sure. Well, welcome aboard. I think you'll find that this will win you the respect of your family and friends.

Go away! Go away! Whatcha doin', Mom? I've tried heckling them.

Mr. Simpson, I like the way you handled yourself on that board. Would you like to do a commercial for us? Anything! As long as I can give the money to my son. Excellent! I represent Viagrogaine, the topical rub for bald, impotent men. Well, I am bald and important. Where do I sign?

with your new principal, Ned Flanders. Well, tippity-top o' the a.m. to every-good-body here. As chairman of the P.T.A., I am de-didilly-lighted to take over, and I think I can put the "pal" back in principal.

Uh-oh. I mean... good ! Hey, what are you doing ? No ! Drop that drumstick ! Bad dog ! Bad Santa's Little Helper ! Come on ! Give me that ! Give me that ! Doh ! Okay, out you go !

"Drunk Cop"- Is that you? No. Look lower. Ooh, pie. What can I do for you? My name is Homer Simpson and I desperately need your help. Let me guess. ts about a girl. How did you know? ts always a dame.

Hot, hot, hot, hot.

Ooh, baby. Uh-oh. So, girlie, you like roller-skating? No. Yeah, everybody loves roller-skating. Okay, you can turn around now.

Oh, they oughta call that a "Large" Island Iced Tea.

Bart, honey, I think you should go play with Rod and Todd. Oh, man. Why does everything bad have to happen to me? When i'm feeling low, do you know what always cheers me up? Is it love?

Moe Moe Moe Moe. Moe. Moe, Moe... Moe... Moe, Moe... Moe.... Moe, Moe... Hey, Homer. Hey, Homer. Hey, Homer. Hey, Homer. Hey, Homer.

I said, "At least he's got his health." Now you've got nothing! Okay, Mom. For you, I'll try. (CHOKING) Okay. Now we know you're allergic to cauliflower.

Hmm. Well, it was good to see you. It was? Well, then we should get together again. Say, Saturday at my house. Do you know where I live? Uh, no. Hmm. A flaming bag, eh?

Well, Krusty, as you may remember, after I tried to frame you for armed robbery, I tried to murder Selma Bouvier. Let's see. I rigged the mayoral elections, I tried to blow up Springfield with a nuclear device, and I tried to kill you. Oh, yeah, yeah. And whenever I could find a spare moment, I've tried to murder... Bart Simpson.

NO-O-o ! Take me ! I'm old !

And we can't take off our pants when it gets real hot. And we won't be able to pee in the drinking fountain. Yeah-- I mean, that-- You know, if we wanted to. Not that I ever did. Gentlemen, I'd like you to meet your new coworker, Mindy Simmons. I think she has a degree in engineering or something.

Okay. That's quite enough. It's not funny anymore. D'oh! D'oh! No, no, no! Oh, Homie.

Er, uh, that is not my baby. (QUIMBY-LIKE) Er, uh,

I go by how funny the sign is. Sweet! A circus! Let's sneak in. That's using your noodle.

But there were bigger problems offscreen. After judging a Miss Hawaiian Tropic beauty contest... at the Sheraton Hali'a Kalua Le'a, Bart created a ruckus on a Hawaiian Airline jet, attacking several flight attendants.

Well, I brought this wall from home. Okay. Baldy boy hits wire, head comes off, L'il Bandit rolls to a gentle stop. Everybody wins.

Available wherever fat men dream.

"That always will I love you, my one, my love, my all." That was beautiful.

Homer! It took me years to forge that groove. One of them's playing my saxophone. Oh, no. The spit valve!

Doesn't get any sweeter than that, Simpson. Savor the moment.

You with the hair, down in front. Oh, no. He's sunk even lower. I have something to say to all the sons out there. To all the boys, to all the men, to all of us. It's about women,

Huh? Hey, Ma. I'm gonna get me a picture of this crazy critter. Ah!

Tonight we'll see Angela Lansbury walk on hot coals. Excitement, she wrote. How could someone abuse their body that way? Moe, don't throw out that brine.

Said they were gonna spend the night at Crystal Lake Campground, Section K, Space 217. I'm sorry I can't be of more help. I guess I'll never find her. And when you get a job interview, try not to call your employer a punk or a skank.

But we're on hiatus. Everyone's everywhere. Note to Marge. Get out. I'll play it later. Mmm! If you looked up "meanie-beanie-fo-feanie" in the dictionary,

Please, Dad. This argument humiliates us both.

Here you go, buddy. Did you walk the dog? Yeah, he buried me a couple of times. Yeah, dogs like to bury old junk. Yeah, you stupid idiot. Oh, what a day. Homer made me give him a sponge bath.

I'm not insane. Run, Marge! Run! Pump those crazy legs!

Oh, hi, Marge. I guess we gave you quite a start.

Happy birthday, Mr. President.

I can't tell you how chagrined we are about all of this.

We welcome you to the neighborhood

Nah, it's too early. I need to work under cover of darkness. Oh, Homer, you're not going as a hobo again? Going where?

Don't do it, Dad. Please don't do it. Sorry, son. You'll understand one day.

There is no wedding here! (ALL GRUMBLING) Oh, my God! We're sealed in! Nobody breathe my air! Get your own! (BREATHING HEAVILY) Why you selfish little maggot, I'll suck your lungs dry! Knock it off!

There's only one beer left, and it's Bart's. Hey, boy, how's the microphone working? Fine. Bart! I would love to get a present like that. Here you go. Enjoy. D'oh! This is a great invention. Watch.

Homer, does this mean..? Tomorrow, I'm a nuclear technician! Good God! Tomorrow morning, I'm gonna buy your ring back. Doesn't your job start tomorrow? Somebody will cover for me. Homer, that's... Oh! Step aside. I'll deliver this baby. Why don't you let me handle it.

and a party-size bucket of flan. Yes, I will have fries with that. Anything to get out of work. Our top story: Killer dolphins. Killer dolphins?

Yes, well, I'm older than you.

A date which will live in infamy. Good evening, adults. We interrupt this broadcast... to bring you a very special presentation. Tonight's program is entitled-- We Know All Your Secrets. Boring! Go back to that "infamy" guy.

Good luck, Dad. All right, brain. It's all up to you. If you don't think of what it is, we'll lose Marge forever. Eat the pudding. Eat the pudding-- Eat the pudding. Eat the pudding-- Okay, but then we gotta get to work.

ts the queen of something! Ten! Ten! Ten! Ten! Dont worry! I'll set fire to the hive! Twelve. Fifteen! 7031 Run! Oh, my goodness. It looks just like the Kwik-E-Mart.

- Ned, I'm James L. Brooks. - Oh, can I call you Jim? James L. Brooks is good. How about some sponge cake? Well, I cant see the harm. With a brandy glaze? No! Or perhaps you’d like to go to a football game. Well- We dont have a team. No!

Why was I born a man?

now, homer, listen I've had enough

Where'd you hide the loot, Malloy?

Mmm! I can't come up with an idea for my homecoming float. Do it for me. What have you got so far? Look at Moe dance. Aloha, Moe That's nice. But maybe your homecoming float should have something to do with college. Yeah, you're right.

The ownership is divided. What the hell do you think you're doing ? Mr. Simpson, I dread the day... when $100,000 isn't worth groveling for ! Get out of here ! You've just made yourself a very powerful enemy, old man. Here's the deal, Grampa. A guy I think was an explorer left this in the bar one night.

Tonight I'll be reading from a copy of my book I just checked out at Atherton Library! I study there! Say another building! That's it, Pinsky.

may make it to the big leagues one day. What ? Aren't we gonna see any washed-up major leaguers ? Sure. We get a nice mix here. I can't think of a better place to spend a balmy summer's night than the old ball yard. There's just the green grass of the outfield, the crushed brick of the infield... and the white chalk lines that divide the man from the little boy.

Let us extend to our brothers in New Springfield the olive branch of-- New Springfield rocks! Go ahead and laugh. We have a better town bird. Oh, yeah? What is it?

Krusty, you know Diane, Stu, and Jeremy from the network. Hey, hey. Hey, hey. Hey, hey.

but he uncooly charges people to cover them. So here's a Captain Bart original. Wasted once more in Daiquiritaville Rip-off! Get off the stage!

You like them, huh? Come on, I'll show you the other 300. (GASPS) How could this have... Oh. (SIGHS) I feel so much empathy for those villagers. They had to drink their own tears.

Nah. This can't be right. This man has 104% body fat.

Now, go to bed! You're the boss. I thought I told you to go to bed. Yeah, right. "Bread." You said, "Go to bread." I said, "Go to bed." Yeah. "Go to bread."

And I get to take a plane there, wouldn't I, Mom ? Yes, Bart. Wow ! And one back ? Mm-hmm. Well, Bart seems very enthusiastic about the idea. Yes, baby ! Way to go ! Bon voyage, boy.

Go ! Come on, boy ! Go, santa's little helper ! Come on, get that rabbit ! Dog O'War coming up fast on the outside.

Oh, yeah! You know, I studied your old security tapes. Fee-ee-ee-ee. Fee-ee-ee-ee. In a few minutes, I try to drink nectar out of Sanjay's head.

This may well prove fascinating. I know. I'll just do like Lisa... and escape into fantasy. Class, instead of going to the box factory today, we'll be going to the... box factory.

named today in paternity suits by 27 different women. (EXCITED CHATTER) Joe, why won't you acknowledge our love child? Er, uh, that is not my baby. (QUIMBY-LIKE) Er, uh,

Zinc, come back. Zinc! Zinc, zinc! What? Oh, it was all a dream. Thank goodness I still live in a world of telephones car batteries, handguns, and many things made of zinc. Gross! He's picking his nose.

I made the snowball from the frost in our freezer. Nice p.j.'s, Simpson. Did your mommy buy 'em for ya? Of course she did. Who else would have? All right, Simpson. You win this round.

Can we get a shot of me? There you go. In other news, uh... a tragic mix-up today in Cleveland. Many people killed. Uh... good-bye! Oh, well, we lost the money but we've still got each other.

Well, would you? Absolutely.

Ignore all distractions. Miss! Miss? Do you have a Chanel suit, or any other high-quality clothes?

Whoa! I'm looking at an inside straight! (BEEPING) Oh. Someday I'll hear the winning music. Someday.

Same old space, huh, Dad? Yep, but they gave me these roller blades... so I can glide to the front door. Whoop. Oh.

I think Bart's stupid again, Mom. Oh, well. You can't stay in there forever ! I can try. March your butt right out here, now ! No way, man. But-- Son, if you don't come out,

Lisa, come on. Your tomato soup is getting a skin on top. Fine. She doesn't get her skin. Lisa insulted us, Mom.

Oh, really now, that's too much. It's Sideshow Bob!

Come back home with Mama, Son. I'll make you some hot cocoa while you sit in your shame closet and think about what you did. Well, at least I went down like a man. You look like a Malaysian transsexual. Good for you, Mrs. K. Yeah, you don't need a husband to be happy!

In the morning. Oh, Mom, I'm borrowing your car.

Maybe not today. Maybe not tomorrow. But someday.

Dad, you blew it. You listened to Lisa and then you lost your stranglehold on the audience. I'll audience you! (CHOKING) So that's why Bart has all those broken tracheal bones. Tight bow tie, my ass! Now ladies and gentlemen,

Dad! Help! Hang on, boy! Daddy's coming to save you!

D'Oh! Mm-hmm-hmm... mm-hmm... That's one big check. You look sharp today, sir. You looken sharpen todayen, mein herr. You looken sharpen todayen, mein herr. That was a gutsy decision, sir.

Testing. Testing. Testing. Testing. You've really done it this time, Bart! You're in for the punishment of a lifetime!

This is the most exciting thing I've seen since Halley's comet collided with the moon. That never happened, Dad. Sure it didn't.

I call this one "Fantasy in Maroon." It's got some cigarette burns, but we can patch them up with Nu Vinyl. It's a bit peppery for me.

An alligator with sunglasses? Huh! Now I've seen everything. Hiya, folks. Welcome to Uncle Moe's. Aw, look at all the cute little minors.

Well, this is my floor. See you tomorrow! Ah, home to my loving family. What more could a man ask for?

(WHISPERING) Listen, I'm not going to Yale 'cause of my brother. I mean, Hot Dog on a Stick Management Camp. That's odd. You get into Yale, and Lisa can't go anymore? Hey, what can I say? I love learning. Bartholomew Simpson. What? Come and get your diploma. Why don't you mail it to your butt?

(INDISTINCT) Turns out he's choking on a peanut. Well, punch to the gut cleared that right up. (KIDS LAUGHING) Hey, Bart. Me and Mrs. Krabappel, we're gonna go play some backgammon, if you know what I mean. I don't. But I hope you win. Oh, he's gonna win. Some guys like a challenge, not me.

It used to. What if I beat him harder? Wow. You so don't get it. Uh, has the ship sailed on my foot massage suggestion? Ow! Don't worry, Mr. Burns. We'll track down Simpson with your vehicle's antitheft system. Car gone! Car gone!

I'm a selfish old crank, and that fits me like a Speedo. So what do we do with our friend here? Uh, throw him in the Dumpster? No, no, no. I really want to give the lovable scamp a good home.

I'm leaving again. Mr. Glasscock, please reconsider. Uh-uh.

Does that earring mean you're a pirate? Kinda. Ah, the seas have quieted. And only in the sweet embrace of quietude... can two lovers truly be-- Ooh, such noise. Ooh! Well, I'm done for the evening.

Artie Ziff shocked investigators today by turning over a second set of books detailing his own financial culpability and exonerating stumbling, bumbling boob Homer Simpson. Simpson's grateful family had this to say. I'm so happy to be getting my husband back.

Can't right now. Come back later. Oh, I'll come back later. How's this for later? Mom, listen-- Why are you sitting like that? What are you hiding this time?

Oh, free foot pain analysis. Oh, Marge. That's just a trick to get you in there, so they can cure your foot pain. I guess. See ya, kids. Me and my Val-U-Qual book are gonna paint the town red... with savings!

And I think it's ironic that, for once, Dad's butt... prevented the release of toxic gas-- Bart! We'll have you out of there as soon as our tech boys get you decontaminated. Thank you, Mr. Burns. It was pretty scary up there, but-- For a while, I feared for my life.

Everyone knows rock attained perfection in 1974. It's a scientific fact. Quadraphonic sound, a water bed, and now a strobe light. Gentlemen, say hello to the Second Base-Mobile. Wicked!

I'm gonna pour caramel on my clothes. And then finally, I can eat my shorts! BOTH: Ahhh! What is that? This is 85 pounds of tooth-melting sugar. Dig in. (SUCKLING)

Huh. You kids don't know what you want. That's why you're still kids-- 'cause you're stupid! just tell me what's wrong with the freakin' show! Mommy!

Okay, Marge, I'll plan everything. We can have the reception at Moe's. Wait. Why not have the whole wedding there? We'll do it on a Monday morning. There'll be fewer drunks.

Dare to discover what water is really made of: H-2-Whoa !

My view, he's a great leader and a gallant American.

Uh-huh. Isn't that trophy case supposed to have trophies? Uh, they were all wiped out in the big trophy fire. Ah! I see the trophies are still out for cleaning, eh, Lisa?

There's gotta be some batteries in here somewhere. Hmm. Oh, Bart, that's plutonium. It's highly unstable! Don't you ever get tired of being wrong?

Soul? Come on, Milhouse. There's no such thing as a soul. It's just something they made up to scare kids, like the boogeyman, or Michael jackson. But every religion says there's a soul, Bart. Why would they lie? What would they have to gain?

Oh, Lisa, stop pining for your saxophone. I got you another instrument. What, this jug? Hee-hee! Whee! Whoa-ho-ho! Lisa, never, ever stop in the middle of a hoedown.

Go away! Go away! Whatcha doin', Mom? I've tried heckling them. I've tried jeckling them. It's time I made myself a scarecrow.

Check it out. The principal's got a shirt wiener. Hmm? (SHUTTERS CLICKING) Leave your body, Seymour. Leave your body.

Happy birthday to you Happy birthday - Happy birthday to you - Happy birthday

You guys don't understand Stampy. He's just like me. We're a pair of jokers, and both of us are wild. We don't take nothing from nobody. Smithers! This reminds me of that fat man I used to ride to work.

Hey, you're james Woods! Oh, thank you. Yes, yes. Thank you. Well, Mr. Woods, your new song is gonna be number three with a bullet. - I-i'm not a singer. - Shut up! NO-O-o!

It tells you exactly what's on the baby's mind. Maggie. Maggie. Where did you go? Peekaboo! Oh, there you are. Very amusing.

Let me put it this way-- You'll get $25 if you sell now.

Hey, this is taffy. Police brutality! Mmm. And chew-tality.

Children, that was our only ball. There'll be no team this year. - Awww. - Awww.

We are the children who grew too fast we are the dusT of a future past

That hideous man is a hero!

Happy birthday - Happy birthday to you - Happy birthday Happy birthday, Burnsie Happy birthday to you Go to hell, you old bastard. Hey, I think they liked us. Have the Rolling Stones killed.

What the-- But I-- Hmm. A disheveled and malnourished man found sleeping in his own filth. Seems confused and dehydrated. Where's the baby? Well, that's her, ain't it? Kids love that water. Oh, my lord! Stupid babies need the most attention.

Quiet, you two. You know your father's had a breakdown. My pockets hurt. Okay, honey. We're almost to Palm Corners. There'll be nothing to do but lie on the beach and relax.

Now he and George are the best of friends. Here's a little something we learned in C.I.A. Get him, boys! Ow! Ow!

Oh, Homie. I know you love me. We don't need to get married again. Yes, we do! I got us a divorce this afternoon. What? I didn't want a hokey second wedding like those ones on TV. This one is for real. I want our marriage to be perfect right from the start...

Nice grizzlies. N-Nice grizzlies. Nice grizzlies. What do we do, Dad ? Praise the grizzlies, son. Nice grizzlies. Nice grizzlies.

I'm a doctor, not a gardener. Can't you just prune some of the leaves so I can watch TV? What did I just say?

that's gone unused for 700 years? Wow! Lovejoy here. Reverend, this is Principal Skinner. I'm facing a crisis, and I didn't know to whom to turn. All right. Mother's gone too far. She's put cardboard over her half of the television.

Clear. Oh, for Pete's sake. The pig is in the poke. You know, I really don't care for that code name. Look out, Marge! Cat! I know you're excited about starting a new job, but could you just relax for now? Hold it. What's your clearance?

You can't kill the undead, silly. He's undead, all right.

Wipe. No! No! Come to the light, boy. Come into the light. Come on now. There's a good boy. Come on. Come on.

like Denzel Washington in The Preacher's Wife, or Will Smith in Bagger Vance, or Slimer in Ghostbusters. Sir, we know you're not an angel. My husband sees too many movies. Don't blame me. Blame Tinseltown and its second golden age. May it never end.

heroically slaughtered their enemies as they prayed for mercy. It's hard to see what's going on. I can only make out the fat soldiers. All right, children, switch. Hey, they're trying to learn for free!

No door is gonna keep me from my meddlin'! Stand up straight, Bart. Abe? What the-- Now, here's a piece of bad news. Oh, Abe! You've aged terribly.

I'm sick of this horse slapping and cow taunting. I'm going to my room. Hold it right there. Mama Rattlesnake would be mighty sore if you scrambled her young'un.

Now, it's illegal to televise court proceedings in this state, so we'll have to be quiet.

You're gonna eat a blizzard of... unseasonable warmth? I made the snowball from the frost in our freezer.

All we can do is play our very best. Oh, that's loser talk.

Exhibit A: Steamboat Itchy, dated 1928. The very first Itchy and Scratchy cartoon. And the credits clearly state,

- Find any winners, son ? - Sorry, Dad. Hey, hey, Simpson ! What'd I tell you ? Whirlwind ! Let's go, Daria.

This time I'm not gonna touch a thing. Mustn't crush, mustn't kill. Made it!

Hello, Homer. It's me, KITT, from TV's Knight Rider. Your family has asked me to take time out... from my busy schedule to invite you... to a very special-- Stupid movies.

We now interrupt this program for a special bulletin. We've just received word of a high-speed desert chase. The suspects have been identified as Ruth Powers and Marge Simpson of Springfield. Cool. I always knew someday Mom would violently rise up...

But you have so much inner beauty. Well, uh, be that as it may, uh, the gang is wanted in eight other states. And we have a little saying around here-- "Let Michigan handle it."

Oooh, a interview with Lorne Michaels. Oooh. Wait. That's no good. Hey, now we're talking. "Our unabashed dictionary defines I.U.D. as... 'love springs internal.'" I don't get it.

It's gonna kill you! Ehh, I've had a good run.

I'd like to pass along the words of advice my father gave me. Homer, you're dumb as a mule and twice as ugly. If a strange man offers you a ride, I say take it. Lousy traumatic childhood.

The Simpsons D'oh! Ha-ha!

HOMER: Uh-huh. Hmm. (WHISPERS) Psst. There's a jailbreak tonight. How come nobody told me before? I sent you an Evite. You never responded. Nice netiquette, jerk.

Wait, Dad! You don't have to kill yourself. This better be good.

Oh, well, fun's over. But I still have my wonderful money. Stick 'em up!

Prank or study? Ohh. What should I do, Lord? Give me a sign.

I can concentrate anywhere.

Listen. I don't want to get spotted by the crowd, so I'm gonna take a leak behind the Dumpster. Look! It's Mel Gibson! Hey, everybody, rush over there! Hey, Mel! Mel! Hi th-- Hey! Hi! Mel-- Mel-- Hi, everybody.

If so, my construction outfit, Valdazo Brothers Olive Oil, is poised to help. No, no, no, no. We're not building anything. How can you say that when construction has already begun? How did those trucks get here so fast? In order to avoid certain legal complications, the trucks are always rolling.

How did she know I was there?

Stop! Friends, what Homer did was wrong but I've been thinking. Maybe I was just as wrong to give you those gifts. (GROANS) Hey! Wait a minute, everyone! There's your Christmas. Up there! (ALL EXCLAIM IN AWE) It's a miracle.

J Cause I cant pray for her without the right nameJ J Buh-doo-da-doo-doo- JJ I’ve got a date with a movie star? Sure ya do. And I'm goin' apple pickin' with Scooby-Doo.

Now we have to pack for Great Uncle Tyrone's birthday tomorrow in Dayton. Dayton, Ohio! (BOTH GROANING) It's got Wright-Patterson Air Force Base and a zipper museum!

We're going to Itchy and Scratchy Land. No. I've already planned our vacation. We're going to the Highway 9 Bird Sanctuary. I understand they've installed a new bird feeder this year.

Oh. Oh, boy. - Oh, that felt good. - Let me try. Oh, yeah. Oh, boy. Oh, that was so sweet.

I taught Paul McCartney to go "Whoo!" "Purple Rain!" Shut up! Michael Jackson just told me to shut up! We're down to our last three teachers, folks.

Well, I guess they'd help me hold the dictionaries up. Wrong answer! (GRUNTS) (SCREAMS) Stupid Catholic school. Suffering from my hip attitude. I'm the real Jesus here. (MAN LAUGHING) So, it's sacrilege you're spoutin' now. What's it to you, Irish? My name's Father Sean. And I used to be an ornery wee cuss myself.

I only did what I had to do to survive in a style befitting a French monarch. (SCREAMS) (CROWD CLAMORING) Fly, Segway, fly! (SCREAMS)

Oh, my God. It's our high school prom-- And once again I have no date. Simpson. Hello, Dondelinger.

Now, to save my partner's life, I'll need complete-- Hello, everybody! Did somebody say "A perfect game"? You idiot! You'll ruin everything! I'm doing a walk-on. It's a show business thing. So, how you all doing? Let's see.

Thirsting for a way to name the unnameable, to express the inexpressible. Tell me more. Keep cool, Simpson. Be in the game but not of the game.

They're trapped. Oh, damn it!

You gotta let me in your car and drive me-- Take anything you want, man! Take it all! Push out the jive. Bring in the love. I heard your dad went into a restaurant and ate everything in the restaurant,

Whoo-hoo! Oh, man. I can't believe you failed.

Oh, Dad's gonna die, and it's all my fault. I really need a good talking-to. Don't worry, kids. Your father will be okay... - as long as he's with those Sherpas. - Uh, Mom.

Haywood U. Cuddlemee? Big guy in the back. Haywood U. Cuddlemee? Oh! Dude! That little- Ooh! I'm gonna drive a golden spike... where your Union meets your Central Pacific. Stop.

I was supervising the Guns for Toys program. It's Toys for Guns! Now you tell me. Oh! Simpson! Hey, what's goin' on? That guy's not Homer Simpson. He's fat and stupid.

Dad! Now throw compost on it! Here. Whew! Uh, enjoy. Oh, still warm.

Who told you about those laws? Was it Marge? Hey, you've been riding me all day. Why don't you poop in your hat? Are you going to need us tonight? I have ballet tickets-- not that they'll do much good now. With the family in disarray, episodes increasingly resorted... to gimmicky premises and nonsensical plots.

Mr. Vice President! Someone finally bought a copy of your book, sir. Well, this calls for a celebration.

Man, this is so confusing.

Mmm. Congratulations, Barney. That's very gracious of you, Homer. Please join us in a toast. To the mission! It begins! Give me that! Stop him!

Gee, Homer, you sure do suck tonight. Yeah, suck like a fox!

Lisa, Lisa! Where were you? You missed the most incredible thing! Hi, Dad. I ate seven pounds of fudge! Wow! The man at the stand said it was a record. Wow! What else did you do, Dad? I rode the teacups. Then I got a little sick and had to sit down. But then, I rode 'em again.

"Tragic news tonight. 120 dead... in a tidal wave in Kuala La-la--" "Pur--" "Kuala Lum-pur--" - France. - Yoink! Yoink?

God boy couldn't get a strike! It's me. Ned.

Now, take that kid away. No! You're not gonna take my baby to jail!

Oh, yes. I'm afraid radiation from the plant is the reason. He could sue for millions. Mother of pearl. Call my lawyers! Let me make one thing clear. I want your legal advice. I even pay for it. But to me, you're all vipers.

Marge, prepare the emergency ham! Oh. Whoo. This is the kind of shot you only get once in a lifetime.

and the Team Tomomatsu Dirt Riding Dunk Masters... in the year's biggest Monster Truck Rally ! One night only. Plus, the amazing, the astounding, the unbelievable Truckasaurus !

a young boy-- a wonderful, irrepressible young boy-- took it on his own to solve the problem.

Whoa! Whoo! Hello, sweet cheeks!

Marge, did you hear me zing werewolf Flanders? Diddly! Flanders! Stop that!

A snake in the cash register! Great prank, fellas. Great. Oh, I'm gonna be sick tonight. Hey, Moe, you wanna smell my flower? Do I? Ooh! I'm burning up here!

Get lost, crook.

Um, how about that? That is a rare photo of sean Connery signed by Roger Moore. - It is worth $150. - What can I get for 75 cents?

Homer ? I like to think that I'm a patient, tolerant woman...

Now our first award is for biggest people pleaser. You can walk all over these doormats. And the nominees are...

Yuck. I smell like a sandwich.

I was serious. Say, let me tell you about Lisa S.

is because there is no intergalactic spaceship. He's taken our money just so he can... build one hell of a spaceship! Homer Simpson, because of your lack of faith, you've ruined mankind's chance for salvation.

Attention, Homer Simpson. You have 10 seconds to explain your actions... before we open fire!

Wow, they're hanging on his every word. - Are you thinking what I'm thinking? - I hope so. I thought I made myself clear in Boston. From now on, I'm gonna be just like Krusty and tell it like it is.

Wow, 25 puppies! An army of dogs! No bully will ever touch me again!

(DINGS) I have to research a paper. Where did all the books go?

ts- Hey. What happened to the sword pie? What do I do now?

Stop laughing, you imbecile. Don't you realize how close you just came to killing yourself? Who did this to my wall? He did. Is this true? I-- Well-- Technically, it is true, sir, but--

Man, how'd I ever live without this thing? Oh, man, that's good!

Hello. My name is Lisa Simpson. i'm supposed to talk to you about Proposition 305. Moochin' war widows. But I have something more important to say. For reasons beyond my control, I will soon become vapid, sluggish and slow-witted. So before that happens, I want to share some things with you that have meant a lot to me.

Oh, thanks a lot. Hey! An Indian casino! God bless Native America! Let's go, Marge. Come on! Come on! Come on! Homer, you know I had a gambling problem.

Dang fools. Drive-through's not for a-Parkin'. Diane, I'm going to take my break now. Hi, everybody! Ho... mer Simp... son.

(GROANS) The awesome power of the human mind. (GROANS) I see Ray, too. - So do I. - Uh-oh. Well, I'm not worried. You've already agreed not to sue me for anything. When did I agree to that? You did when I validated your parking. You didn't validate my parking. Check and mate.

You're hanging with me tonight. Guys, I'd like you to meet Artie Ziff. Hello, handsome! Hello! Losers.

Fellas, where you going at this hour? Hey, don't scratch up them heads!

is stricter than he "Tribute to Seymour Skinner." Pull over, driver. Now, I know the school normally serves cake only on Thursdays. And I'm also well aware that today is Friday.

Wow. I never thought I'd say this, but you slags are all right. All this attention. I feel like a secretary on Administrative Professionals Day! Marge, you're gonna love my present. It is so thoughtful, it makes the kids' gifts look like crap. (BOTH GRUMBLE)

(SIGHS) Looks like the Mutton Chop Murderer has struck again. What should we do with the body? I want you to dust her for Prince. What does that mean? (SIGHS) The Prince is coming by and I want her clean when he looks her over.

Here's your scepter. Oop! just kidding. Here you go. Oop! just kidding.

Today's selections are:

So, what's new, Grimey? Simpson, you've got a 513. No, a 513-- In your procedures manual? A 513?

I'm Marge Simpson. I'll be playing Blanche. I made some peanut butter brownies for everyone. Well, would anyone else like a bite of banality? I would. Stanley-- Yeah?

Kiki, I'm tired oftrade-show modeling. My back really hurts. You seem unhappy, so I'm going to inject this smile solution into yourjaw. Did you just drug me? What the- Technically, it's a toxin. Mmm.

Well, ain't that somethin'.

All right, children. Let's clean up this room. Aw, man! Do we have to?

What's he saying?

How was jerk practice, boy? Did they teach you how to sing to trees... and build crappy furniture out of useless wooden logs?

Marge, kids. Have you people forgotten our little competition? Last one in the cabin is fired. You're fired, Lenny. Aw, nuts!

Thanks, Mom. And if that doesn't work, six simple words: "I'm not gay, but I'll learn." Ralph, I think you're nice, but I'm just not ready for this kind of thing. - Do you understand? - I guess so. Good.

I knew all this stuff would come in handy someday. Let's see now. Ah, here it is. The Complete Handyman's Bookshelf. Volume I: Spice Racks. "Pick up a hammer."

Aha-ha-ha. Now, everyone knows Homer loves his family. I'm sick of your lies! Secrets and lies! It's always secrets and lies! Homer, these people are professional roasters. Don't give them fodder.

like that guy named Anthony Michael Hall who stole your car stereo. Right. Coincidence.

Oh, Homie. I'm sorry. You know I usually bring my "A" game to the bedroom... but tonight I just cant throw the heat. But it's Saint Valentine's Day! God wants us to do it! Mmm. You’re so cute when you’re begging for sex.

Spend Some dough at table three

Ohh. Mindy, we have to fight our temptation. No, Homer. Let's do it. Let's call room service! Oh. Someone is charging room service to the company, sir.

"In case of accidental ingestion, consult a mortician." Oh, my goodness! Mom, I didn't eat any of it. I'm not stupid. We've gotta get you to a doctor right away. Ow! Ow! Ow, ow, ow! Wait! You promised to take me to the museum!

Now, a brilliant jazz musician who's inspired me to do some improv poetry.

I haven't seen you in school before. Okay, Simpson ! What ? You just bought yourself another day of detention. Maybe we should get together sometime. Two days ! - I don't even know your name. - I'm Homer... Three days ! Four days ! Five days ! j... Simpson. It was worth it. Six days ! Okay, Simpson ! To the back of the room !

Leave me alone. This expresses my rage at the machine. Well, I like T-shirts with a nice joke like, "Support our troops." Bart's shirt is a classic, Marge. Just like "Keep on truckin'." As if I would ever want to stop truckin'. Whoa! (EXCITED CHATTER) KID 1: Check it out!

Oh, I wish, I wish I hadn't killed that fish.

Eh, that's Zack. He's as smooth as a 50-year-old behind. Who wants to go get some sweet corn in my minivan?

What's with the si-- What's with the siren?

Oh, brother. All right. Back to show-and-tell. Bart, why don't you put the doggy away?

Seymour, I'll bet you those books are still here. We have to search every locker. Locker searches aren't permitted by the Supreme Court. Supreme Court. What have they done for us lately? Let's move.

Just relax. Think of floor is full of snakes. You fall, they kill you! Relax, relax. And snakes!

Look under the frame, Brad. Careful. Careful. Whoops.

Leo, slow down! That looks like a nice place to eat. Carla's daughter works in that building. You know, it's kind of ironic. These old people are being kept alive... by the organs of the young people they ran over. - Makes you think, huh, Chief? - Not really.

And furthermore-- Ignore her, Effendi. We have each other. Oh, baby. Aah! No use struggling, my beloved Shelamela. Merry Christmas from the Simpsons!

but you find me upstairs reading a Play Dude. What do you do? What do you do? I make you read every article in that magazine, including Norman Mailer's latest claptrap about his waning libido. Oh, she is tough. Shary Bobbins, you're just what we're looking for.

about moments in your life that have been very romantic. Oh, okay.

Didn't you just die when you found these? Not really. They just had corn on them. Kitchen, corn. Oh! - Ha! - Ow!

Oh, what a beautiful night. Fireflies, full moon-- And here we are, locked inside.

So long, suckers. Damn. They're very slowly getting away. They're heading for the old mill. No, we're not. Well, let's go to the old mill anyway, get some cider. That's a good idea. Let's get some cider.

Lieutenant Smash! Yeah, that's right. Lieutenant L.T. Smash.

...ockman, just outside the county courtroom where an argument about chowder... has spilled over into the biggest trial in Springfield history. Behind these doors, a federal judge will ladle out steaming bowls... of rich, creamy justice in a case the media have dubbed... "Beat-up Waiter." This reporter suggested "Waitergate,"

Oh, funny you should ask, man. This morning I woke up with this one. Cool. I want one. Huh. Not till you're 14, my little friend. Bart ! Bart Simpson ! Take your seat, Bart.

Homer, are you awake? This is important. Give me some sign you're awake. Wake up!

And now, to all my dear friends I say,

My favorite song.

May I sit there? Of course not, honey. That seat's for my coin purse. May I have that seat? Yes, if you can answer me these questions three. Question the first-- Never mind.

Dare to discover what water is really made of: H-2-Whoa ! Whoa ! Whoa !

To Bart. Thanks for visiting me... at Springfield General Hospital. Your visit was a ray of sunshine... on an otherwise cloudy day.

She's a little weird. But let's give her a chance. Guys, this is Alex. Ooh, twins. Which one is the evil one?

ANNOUNCER: He explored the behavior of individual molecules in a chemical reaction. She's the sexy star of Alias. Please welcome Nobel laureate Dr. Dudley Herschbach and Emmy nominee Jennifer Garner. (AUDIENCE APPLAUDING) She blinded me with science You know, Dr. Herschbach, our jobs are actually not that different.

Ruff! Rough? I don't know. You've been pitchin' that all night. Chewy? Chewy! That's inspired!

- Can you recommend a doctor who will? - Yes. Hi, everybody! Hi, Dr. Nick! Now, there are many options available... for dangerously underweight individuals like yourself.

Thank you, folks. Now fasten your funny belts... as our own Chimpendale's dancer... gives you the full monkey! I believe in miracles Take it off!

Bart, come over here. What ?

Yeah, you called us "trash-eating stink bags." Didn't you learn anything from Love Day? That was yesterday, moron.

Wait a minute. That was Prince of Tides. Five, six, seven, eight. What are you kids playing? Counting game. Oh, that's nice. Nine, 10.

Oh, my God! This is a disaster!

What am I? Some sort of joke to you people? Now over here is our newest exhibit, Wonders of the Gulf Coast. Ooh! Shut up. It's not that exciting. The Gulf is home to a breathtaking array of sea life, but oil spills are threatening this delicate ecosystem. Hey! Without oil,

Oh, dear God. When this satirical bombshell hits the stands tomorrow, your band will have as much recruiting power as a wax apple. I don't follow, sir. It's over, L.T.

Now I need to find another little brother. And I need to find another big brother. My car's gonna feel so empty on the ride home. And me, I have no ride at all. I already bought a giant ham for dinner. It's gonna go to waste. Don't talk about food. I'm so hungry.

Lise, Mr. Burns is the sweetest, kindest man I know. How many men do you know? Basically, him and Dad.

Ha-ha! Bingo! Your dad is dead Mine's just in jail Nelson! Huh? Who said that? I am the ghost-- Gotcha! Ha-ha! Bart, help!

Now, dont get too used to these. That awful doctor said he'd take them out in a couple of days. Yeah, he truly is a monster. Hey, let's go out to dinner tomorrow, just you, me, the kids and the twins! What do you say? Hmm. Mmm? Hmm!

Then three other things. When we come back, we'll show you the contents... of a supermodel's stomach. What an age we live in. Oh, look at all that Sweet'N Low! Hey, remember the '50s? Remember television, Coca-Cola and Dick Clark?

To the hydrofoil! My chunky brothers, gorge yourselves at the trough of freedom!

I didn't think you'd understand. Hey, just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand. I'm glad I'm not crying... because I would hate for you to think that what I'm about to say... is based on emotion. But you, sir, Huh ? are a baboon !

like a couple of common snow leopards. It's an outrage, sir.

In your face ! Yeah ! How do you like them apples ? Whoo-hoo-hoo ! Heh-heh-heh. Don't gloat, Homer. You know, Bart, when I was your age, the one thing I wanted... more than anything in the world was a child-size electric lightbulb oven. My parents wouldn't give me the money, so I went to my sisters, Patty and Selma.

psychedelic paint job from hell, man. Jam the kids to school at 150 miles an hour, you know. Here's an artist rendering. Note the cobra wrapped around the naked chick. Next ! Oh. Grampa-- I can call you Grampa, can't I ?

Come on, baby Don't fear the reaper Baby, take my hand Shh! Cobras!

How old are you?

Now, I know you haven't liked some of my past suggestions, like switching to the metric system. I think the metric system is the tool of the devil! My car gets 40 rods to the hogshead, and that's the way I likes it! The old person's remarks will be stricken from the record. Who said that?

You're crazy, Bart. You're never gonna make it. Spare me your lectures, ladies. Aah ! oof ! - Oh, no, he's hurt ! - Bad ! - Let's get outta here !

Hey, Sara. Well, I gotta go. I have to practice for band auditions. Me too. Hey, what instrument to you play? The sax. Me too. - I'm going for first chair this year. - Me too. Wow! With so much in common, I'm sure we'll be the best of friends. Me too. Me too.

I mean, you could be a pizza man,

Do I smell cupcakes ? - Ooh ! Do I ever ! - Uh-uh, Homer. Lisa's making these for her teacher. Ah. Say no more. - Yum ! Don't mind if I do. - Bart ! Oh, man ! Keep your greasy mitts outta there.

Finally, the big day came.

My dad says you were a busboy! You mean your dad, the raging alcoholic?

This court finds Freddy Quimby innocent of all charges.

Hey, Homer, it's Barney. Did I wake you ? I'm up. I'm up. What do you want ? All I wanted to tell you about was this new barbecue joint.

Hello. I'm Gabbo. And I'm Arthur Crandall. That's easy for you to say.

It is so simple, you egghead writers would've never thought of it. What we need is... a new character! One that today's kids can relate to! Are you absolutely sure that's wise, sir? I mean, I don't want to sound pretentious here, but Itchy and Scratchy comprise a dramaturgical dyad. Hey, this ain't art! It's business!

I'll feel important without drinking. That'll be weird. HOMER: What a combination. Hot chicks and stupid Flanders. (BOTH GIGGLING) And you say Mr. Flanders remains completely ignorant of their dot-Kama-sutra? Yup, and nobody's telling him.

Well done, young man. Your youthful trendiness will come in handy throughout the courting process... because these days, you-- Where did you get that pie? Windowsill. You! Hmm? New underpants?

Oh, I'm going to have these things on my arms forever. Candy and sodas for all. Mmm, convenient.

What is my current financial situation? Great. I hear "great." All right. Let's have a look at my stock portfolio. Hmm. Confederated Slave Holdings. How's that doing? It's, uh, uh, steady.

Let's get started.

All right. Well, the name of his country starts with the letter "A." Hmm. Ooh ! Time's up, Sparrow. We're coming in after you. Oh, gee whiz. Adil would get a kick out of seeing this. - Adil ? - The Sparrow ! Adil. Oh, there you are. Get him !

Great game, Lise. Great game, Bart. Tie game? What the hell?

How's he doing? I don't know. I think Dad might be a little heavy for parasailing. Faster, Marge! Faster. The snapping turtles are massing. Heads up! Coming through.

My bed is stuffed with hay. Bart, you're so funny. Yeah. You haven't seen Itchy & Scratchy till you've seen it on DVD. The Itchy & Scratchy Show

It's so sweet of you to take us out like this, Homie. Come on, kids. Three cheers for your father. Hip, hip-- Mom, don't. Hip, hip-- We heard you the first time. Hip, hip-- Hey, I'm trying to drive here. Hey, Dad, that light says "check engine."

I made a game of it-- seeing how many times... I could bounce the ball, then breaking that record.

(MARGE SCREAMING) (SCYTHE SLASHING) (SOLEMN MUSIC PLAYING) Okay, God. I bumped off the love of my life according to your divine whim. Now release me from this ghastly vocation. MALE VOICE: No! Come on!

Welcome aboard.

You know, they said the same thing about Urkel. That little snot boy. I'd like to smack that kid! What the hell are you reading books for? I'm doing the Conan O'Brien show, and I wanna have some intelligent stuff to talk about. Don't forget to say, "I didn't do it."

I'll take him out, sir. Shake, shake, shake shake, shake, shake Shake, shake, shake His ass is gonna blow!

What are you doing? That's our dad's seat. Hey, that's great.

I don't know what they taught you in public school.

We'll be back with a real-life Itchy and Scratchy--

Well, first off, here's your thousand dollars back for hiring that lawyer, and $750 for the drawing, and here's a couple of bucks for your trouble. Whoo-hoo! Look, Marge. A couple of bucks! As for the rest of it, I'm gonna buy the one thing I've been dreaming of...

It's a big number-- almost double digits. Enjoy it while you can. Everything changes when you hit the big 1-0. Your legs go. Candy doesn't taste as good. Let me pour my little heart out.

Marge, we're not talking about a toothbrush here.

Oh, you've really turned my life around these past few weeks, Lisa. I've got my own business again, my beloved employees. Oh, consarn it. Uh, come on! Let's pick up the pace, you neglected old nincompoops. Mr. Burns, if you want people to do a good job, you can't bully them.

Now, my little hypno-assassin, your cue to attack will be when Krusty says, "I've never had such a great audience." You will run up and hug him, blowing each of you to smithereens. Whatever.

(ALL LAUGHING) God, I hate this place.

Maybe we can't rush things. Oh, Apu, I want us to be a family again, but it will take some time. We will know when it feels right again. Whenever you are ready. Mmm. Mmm.

Young Bart here was right. We are spying on you pretty much around the clock. But why, Mr. McGwire? Do you wanna know the terrifying truth, or do you wanna see me sock a few dingers? Dingers! Dingers! Ooh! Yoink!

And I'll go skinny-dipping in that lake... where the sexy teens were killed a hundred years ago tonight.

Hey, who cut out Beetle Bailey? I need my Miss Buxley fix. I don't like you ogling her. Why don't you read Cathy? She's hilarious. Eh, too much baggage. Whoo, my horoscope!

D'oh! (EXCLAIMING) (BRAKES SCREECHING) (YOWLING)

Underprivileged? You pretended we were poor just to get me into camp? Uh, yeah, pretended. Hey, you must be Homer! I'm Lenny and this is Carl. Wow, a Negro. We prefer the term "black." So cool.

(LAUGHING) Yeah, he's all, "Cowabunga, dude." (LAUGHING) I mean, what's that mean? Nothing, I bet. (SLURPS) Oh, need more soda. Homer, would you be interested in the position of executive greeter? Woo-hoo! That's been my dream ever since I heard it existed right now. What do I get?

The Simpsons (TIRES SCREECHING) D'oh! (SCREAMS) (BRAKES SCREECHING)

everybody body's doin it whoo-ooh young lust there's no time For lovin' young lust I don't need one in the oven young lust I'm pushin' and shovin' yeah, yeah young lust c'mon now I just can't wait - Shh!

Lisa, you've made me realize the importance of free and independent media. So I printed my own paper! Although, it's mostly culled from wire services. (BELCHES) Hey, who wants a copy of The Lenny Saver? You have a newspaper, too? Well, I was reading in The Homer Times about what you did for us.

Here you go! Here I am! Uncle Moe! Thank you, ma'am! This'll be a treat! Uncle Moe! Here I am, while you eat! Please take the fries off my head, kid. The basket is extremely hot. How are the southwestern pizza fingers?

Maybe. But maybe we don't want to be Stonecutters no more. This is much better than the old Stonecutter hall. Silence. I now call to order the first meeting... of the Ancient Mystic Society of...

is a federal offense under the Reversal of Freedoms Act of 1994. You are now legally responsible for the safety and well-being of this screamapillar. Everything you need to know is in this pamphlet. "Screamapillar Care Tips." Wow. Look at all this stuff. "Without constant reassurance, it will die.

My name is the return address, you senseless dunderpate.

Hey! You're goin' down, you-- Why, you-- Aah! Hey, you-- You better-- Aah! I'm gonna-- Aah! If you do-- D'oh! Hang in there, Dad! just half a basket left!

Appear on your TV show? Tell our side of the story? You'll see us there? Goodbye? Dial tone?

I'll just give Goliath II the old rock to the head, applause, applause, you gotta believe in yourself, stay in school, and we're outta here.

All I found in there was a jar of mustard and a couple of old Cycle magazines. Wow! I had mustard? Rough day, Apu.

True story. Yeah. I used to open for Krusty in '69. In fact, he fired me, as I recall. Oh, Sting. But this isn't about show business. This is about some kid down a hole or something. We gotta do what we can. There's a hole in my heart as deep as a well

So you see, children, there is hope for anyone. Even me? No.

Lisa, you're a wonder. I'm gonna recommend you to everybody! So long, Lisa! If anything goes wrong, just dial 911-- unless it's an emergency. Okay, Chief! Enjoy Bob Saget! It's Bob Seger. Aw, crap!

Mr. Simpson, the tar fumes are making me dizzy! Yeah, they'll do that. "Dearest Martha, Since boyhood, "I have yearned to be on the one-dollar bill, and with your help, "this I shall achieve.

Homer, it's 2:00 in the morning. I couldn't sleep because I thought there might be a sign of my mom in one of these articles.

You march right back to that school,

What should I write about?

This is all your fault!

- Ow! - Stop pummeling me! It's really painful! Why did I take such punishment? Let's just say that fame was like a drug. But what was even more like a drug was the drugs. But despite their mounting problems,

Gotcha. Well, gotta go. Me too. Uh, it's hard for us to leave when you're standing there, Mom. Push her down, Son. No one's going anywhere. We're going to clean the whole house from top to bottom.

(GASPS) Look! The Pacific Ocean!

Catch ya later, radiator! Oh, my God. I hit someone. Then I taunted him. I've never felt more alive. What was I thinking trying to feel alive? Forget that!

We want to get the old people smell out before we move in. Dad, Mr. Burns hasn't passed away yet. Huh? Oh, right. So I guess you're in okay shape, huh? - No heart problems or anything? - Well, I-- Boo! I'm okay.

What's up there? Yeah, is it a monster? What's the secret? No more questions. I work my butt off to feed you four kids, and all you do is--

"Papa, can we have a Heinrich's Bratwurst?" For outstanding composer age 10 and under, the winner is... Please let me win. ...Mozart. (CHEERING) (SCOFFS) I can't stand it.

No. Of course not.

I cant fall asleep if I havent read him his bedtime story. Hello? Hold on. "Nancy Drew let out a low whistle. This isnt an old windmill at all. ts a new windmill.'" No, Dad. I'm sure she wont be killed.

Did I mention this book was written... by a guy named Robert Louis Stevenson ? And published by the good people at McGraw-Hill. So, in conclusion, on the Simpson scale of one to ten-- ten being the highest, one being the lowest and five being average-- I give this book a nine. Any questions ?

Don't have a stegosaurus, man. These talking dinosaurs are more real... than most real families on TV.

There. Now no one should be able to hear us. What? All right. We don't need the dryer. What? just shut up and listen! There's something fishy about Grandma. Whenever we ask her where she's been all this time, she changes the subject. And just now when a police car drove by, she ran into the house.

Mmm. Marge, would you get me another beer, please ? In a second, Homer. Lisa has some good news. He doesn't care, Mom. Sure I do. I just wanna have a beer while I'm caring. Bart ? Homer ! Go ahead, Lisa. Okay. I got an "A" on my vocabulary test.

Oh. And the winner is... Ogdenville! I hope you enjoy your plaque, cheater! Well, I was going to give you the Good Sportsmanship Award, but now I'm just going to be sick.

Everyone to my place for blueberry Squishies and microwave burritos !

You're not afraid, are you? I had a bad experience with drugs. It was that golden weekend between summer school and regular school. Hey, Homer, want to smoke some marijuana? They say it's a gateway drug. Hmm-- Well, well. If it isn't the Doobie Brothers.

Homer, we took our chips out years ago. Really? Then why do you still work here? We've learned to accept the things we cannot change and steal everything that's not nailed down. (GRUNTS) I hope you won't judge us harshly. I'll be back for tall kitchen bags.

Oh, great. Whenever a woman passes by, I suppose it will be my job to lead the hooting. Oh, yeah! Shake it, madam. Capital Knockers. Come on, Bob. This is your chance to show the people of Springfield... you can hold down an honest job.

Why did Lisa dump me? Is it because of my small calves? They're the hardest place to add mass! Cheer up, Milhouse. You got your whole life ahead of you.

The carnival! We need money, fast. Well, well, well. Looks like somebody's gonna have to do some yard-- It's carnival time! Here's money, kids. Take what you need. Oh, boy! Free money! All right, free money! Whoa! Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding!

Grieving father comin' through. Homer, uh, booze is on the house, seeing as how Lisa is, um-- Oh, how do I put this? Ridin' the midnight train to slab city. Thanks for the beer, Moe. But before Lisa died, she made this tape that I think you should hear.

lots of hugs and good old-fashioned Ritalin. You said a mouthful. When I can't stop fiddlin' I just takes me Ritalin I'm poppin' and sailin', man

Wow! Thank you, Bart. Great job. I knew the dog before he came to class.

What ya been up to, Lurleen? I spent last night in a ditch. How about that, folks? Now I'd like to turn things over to our grand marshal,

Phone call for Al, Al Coholic ! Is there an Al Coholic here ? Wait a minute. Listen, you little yellow-bellied rat jackass. If I ever find out who you are, I'll kill ya !

Hi, everyone. If I could just say a few words, I'd be a better public speaker.

Go away! Go away! Whatcha doin', Mom? I've tried heckling them. I've tried jeckling them. It's time I made myself a scarecrow.

Skinner! Skinner? I'm Skinner. Seymour? Mother! She's my mother! Will someone remove that crazy man, please? No. No. He's-- He's not crazy. It's true.

Sorry, pig. We can't make that promise.

Yeah, well, I won the belching contest at work. Very nice, Homer.

That's good. The frogurt is also cursed. That's bad. But you get your choice of topping. That's good! The toppings contain potassium benzoate. That's bad.

the Battle of New Orleans. I mean... Andrew jackson. Well, you're earning your 18 grand a year. Stupid Hoover. Thinks she's so smart.

Well, maybe he's right. Well, what a surprise. Marge sticks up for Flanders. Can we have a conversation where you don't bring up your hero Ned Flanders? Homer, you brought up Ned Flanders. Maybe I do curse a little but that's the way God made me, and I'm too old to stop now. No, you're not.

Aw, that's so sweet. If I did it right, it's permanent. Please dont go, Bart! I'll let you swear in the house. Everything but the big three. Sorry, Mom. I just cant, not as long as he's here.

(SLURRING) Homer, Lenny, my man, I could never lie to you guys. I'm... I'm starting to get cold feet. Please don't tell anyone. Don't worry. Your secret's safe with me.

I don't know. I'd better sleep on it.

Hey, turkeys! Behind ya. For the last time, Bush, apologize for spanking my boy! Never. You make him apologize for destroying my memoirs. You didn't tell me you destroyed his memoirs. Never!

This is Arnie Pie with Arnie in the Sky. We've got big problems on the Springfield Memorial Bridge. Traffic going waaay back in both directions. And look out at 14th and Elm. I just dropped my bagel. She's locked in the car and refuses to move. Did you flash your lights? Yes.

Whoa! Whoa! Whee! Whee! Whoa!

What am I gonna do ? I've murdered us all ! I've murdered us all ! I've murdered us all ! Shut up ! Shut up ! Shut up ! D-oh ! D-oh ! D-oh ! - There. Finished. - You are ? Well, it's a quick job, but it's shelter. - It is ? - Uh-huh.

Cool. Boss, here's the call for the third race. It's Suffering Succotash by a neck over Yabba-Dabba Do0, Ain't I a Stinker and That's All Folks. I am what I am can see them all, but Here comes Don't Have a Cow... flying on the outside!

Hey, it's an emancipated minor. What’s your name? I'm- I'm Bart Simpson and- Hey, are you skateboarding legend Tony Hawk? That's what my business cards say. Oh, wait. That's my old phone number.

I say, "Yes." I don't check this machine, but I don't own the place, even though my name's up there. Long story, but that doesn't matter. I'm gonna have to run it through the computer. Is that a good siren ? Am I approved ? You ever known a siren to be good ?

No! It's you! Oh, boy! Gimme that!

Nice work, everybody. Wait a minute. This whole thing was a setup? But Skinner got shot. Aah!

It sounds like you're working for your car. - Simplify, man. - Oh-- Sorry, kids. The trip to Albany is off, and there's to be no more recycling. But we didn't do that badly. We collected enough paper to save one whole tree.

Grampa, how'd you take off your underwear without taking off your pants? I don't know!

Ah, music and art. What in blazes?

I just know they're getting ready to jab me with something. Well, my time's almost up here, so I'd just like to say I know Woody Allen. "And now the winner for the most-promising new series on cable-- old Starsky and Hutches."

I heartily endorse this event or product. What a feeling! I'm as happy as a smoker...

What?! Milhouse is out bed and full beans. Whoa, it's a miracle!

(GROANS) The awesome power of the human mind. (GROANS) I see Ray, too. - So do I. - Uh-oh. Well, I'm not worried. You've already agreed not to sue me for anything.

Bart! No! Hey! My milk. I traded my math book for that.

Wow! I made it! My week-long dream has come true. Hold it, son. Wouldn't you rather have an exciting action figure? Ah, but only Batman fits in my Batmobile. Are you nuts? The Thing fits in there perfectly.

And the person who traveled the least distance to be here-- Well, kiss my grits! Homer Simpson! What can I say? It hasn't been easy staying in my rut. Class of '74, I was just leafing through your permanent records... when I discovered something shocking.

Simpson, put that box on Mr. Burns' desk. Chop-chop! Oh, look, Smithers Another member of our nuclear family with some helpful suggestions. And what's your name? Homer Simpson, sir.

Homer keep all money. Bye-bye, Neddy. All right, Homer. $20? $20. I don't want it. What?! It was a passing fancy.

Don't be so sure.

(DOOR CLOSES) Children, I wish to announce that our show has undergone a reformatting.

I'll handle this. Mr. Simpson? I believe something of yours struck my car yesterday. Oh, yeah? Prove it! That's your license plate, isn't it? Uh--

This sentence I'm speaking... right now. Period. I wrongfully usurped Sergeant Skinner's position, and I suggest you consider him to replace me. Thank you.

w' Love the one you 're with]

Now fly to the Canary Islands! Smithers, " an emergency! Maroon alert) Or even Vermilion} The owner ofthe plant is gone!

I've constructed a germfree chamber for myself. Not a single microbe can get in or out. Who the devil are you?

build one hell of a spaceship! Homer Simpson, because of your lack of faith, you've ruined mankind's chance for salvation.

SMITHERS: Homer Simpson, report to Mr. Burns' office immediately. Ahhh! (WHIMPERING) (ALL LAUGHING) What a delightful practically-based joke.

Ice cream at church? I'm intrigued, yet suspicious. Wow, look at all these flavors. "Blessed Virgin Berry, Command-mint, Bible Gum." Or if you prefer, we also have Unitarian ice cream. There's nothing here. Exactly.

So Tonight, we're not going to shovel food in our mouths while we stare at the TV. We're going to eat at the dining room table like a normal family. Happy, Dad ? Yes. Good. Commence shoveling. No. We're going to say grace first. Okay. Rub-a-dub-dub, thanks for the grub.

Bart. You're up early. I couldn't sleep. What's wrong? There was no burglar. No burglar? What does he mean, no burglar? I accidentally burned up the tree... and the presents. I'm really sorry.

Yeah, baby! Michael, are you sure these guys are millionaires? Come on. Would a poor person have a bar in his garage? Hey, guys. Stand around me. I can't go with Lenny watching. - So, gotta pee, huh? - Aw, forget it. What the-- You can't open your own bar!

Huh? Look at Burns's suit! Yeesh! What? Oh! Oh. I had an idea, Chief. Why don't we check out that suit Burns was wearing when he got shot? Did you have the same backwards-talking dream with the flaming cards? I'll drive.

I'm being mocked by my own children on my birthday.

Dear Lord, I'm really scared about this operation tomorrow. If something happens, please look after Marge... - and make sure my kids grow up right. - Shh!

Red plastic sandals are not great running away shoes. (GASPING) Air conditioning, water fountains, dioramas! And I'll never run into my family here! It's the perfect place to start a new life!

Well, you can see how anyone can be wrong. Sleek, vigilant puma-- principal of the mountains. Hi, Lise. Want to quiz me on the vowels? I'm ready to chuck the whole alphabet.

Tennessee Ernie Ford? Now I know you're dead. No, you just think I'm dead.

Smithers, want to go get a cup of coffee? I just had one, sir. What the... Why is everyone so insolent today? Well, today is Christmas, sir. I say when it's Christmas. TELEVISION ANNOUNCER: Too much change around the house got you down?

No. Not the memoirs. Don't even think about it. Not gonna happen. - Whoa, man. - Whoa nothing.

Well, as jerry Lee Lewis would say, "There's a whole lotta frowning going on." Mom, doesn't any love story have a happy ending? Of course. Remember when, uh, your Aunt Selma got married?

Do, do, do, do, do Do dee do dee do Well a "do dee do dee do" to you too, pint size. Jeez, you get a lot of nutcases in here. Oh, sir, I've seen things you can't imagine. Hey, hey, hey. I hear you, buddy. Whew. Full moon.

Contact. Remove the chocks, Simpson! Simpson?

you got me so I don't know what I'm doing now You a winner! Ha-ha-ha! You a winner! Ha-ha-ha! You a winner! Ha-ha-ha!

Name one. What's wrong with Principal Skinner? Seymour? Hmph. Let's just say his mommy won't let him out to play. What about Coach Fortner? Glug, glug, glug, glug... Wow. What about groundskeeper Willy? Ugh! I won't even tell you what that guy's into.

Huh? Smithers, there's a rocket in my pocket. You don't have to tell me, sir. Turn off the chair. Turn off the chair. "Electric chair is on," eh?

which is now spewing noxious debris into the air. How male. ALL: Mmm-hmm. With me is my 8-year-old camera girl, Lisa Simpson. She's taken my daughter to an erupting volcano? That's it! She is off the Christmas card list!

- My car broke down. - I'm joe Namath. My car broke down.

What should we serve? Well, you can't go wrong with cocktail weenies. They taste as good as they look... and they come in this delicious red sauce. It looks like ketchup, it tastes like ketchup... but, brother, it ain't ketchup!

they tend to use lowbrow expressions like, "Oh, yeah?" and "C'mere a minute." Oh, yeah? They think they're better than us, huh? Bart, c'mere a minute! You c'mere a minute! Oh, yeah?

Am I to take it that this is-- an unwanted pregnancy?

Ta-dah! Mom made the Oops Patrol! Hot damn! Bart, you're not at school, don't swear. What an amusing T-shirt, Marge. I'll trade you for a tote bag that says "Prozac." No, thanks. I'm wearing my cure for depression. Come on! Give me that shirt!

(WHISPERING) Listen, I'm not going to Yale 'cause of my brother. I mean, Hot Dog on a Stick Management Camp. That's odd. You get into Yale, and Lisa can't go anymore? Hey, what can I say? I love learning. Bartholomew Simpson. What? Come and get your diploma.

No! No! If you don't sell a house, you're fired, fired, fired. Well, Marge?

Hmm. I guess we'll have to find a new way to entertain ourselves. What about books? Yeah. If we read books, we could form a club. If we formed a club, we could serve drinks. Hey, dad, why dont we watch you drink from a hose? Good idea, Lisa. Hmm. The water's off.

We're out of coffee. Well, I'll just drink this warm cream.

I stuck a couple extra legs on there... 'cause I kept tipping over when I was trying to invent stuff. They're on hinges. That's really ingenious, Dad. It could save lives. Really? You think it's a good idea? Oh, yeah. Safety sells, especially to lame-o's. I'd buy one. Me too.

Come on. One of you guys has gotta be Homer Sexual. Don't look at me. Now, you rotten little punk, if I ever get ahold of you, I'll sink my teeth into your cheek and rip your face off ! You'll do what, young man ? What-What ? Wait. Who is this ?

The most rewarding part was when he gave me my money. But what's with the glowing?

You're not gonna like our "NYPD Shoe" sketch. It's pretty much the same thing. Ma, could you get me some milk? Can't you get it yourself? No, that's okay. I'll just go without liquid. Oh, all right, all right. I'll get your milk.

Doh ! Be that word our sign of parting, bird or fiend ! I shrieked, upstarting. Get back into thy tempest... and the night's Plutonian shore ! Leave no black plume as a token of the lie thy soul has spoken. Leave my loneliness unbroken ! Quit the bust above my door !

I don't believe in keeping feelings bottled up. Good-bye, my wife. Good-bye, Homer.

Good news, Bart! The Krusty-o Cereal Corp. has settled your case for $100,000, less, of course, my legal fees. What kind of legal fees? Well, for a case this complex, I had to assemble a crack team of lawyers.

Now less. Now none! D'oh! Hey. Get off the course, you bum! Security! Wha-- Golf course? Did I dream that whole thing?

You can't help but feel a little rejected. - That wasn't scary. - Oh, yeah ? Well, how about this severed finger ? Ooh ! Baby spit !

After trying four times to explain it to Homer, I explained it to Mom and we were on our way! To the Simpson Mobile!

Good-bye, my wife. Good-bye, Homer.

Smithers, this beer isn't working. I don't feel any younger or funkier. I'll switch to the tablespoon, sir. Coming up next! Our feature race-- the Nuclear Power Plant Championship! Plant! Plant! Ah! At last. Smithers, fetch the bi-oculars.

Marge, I agree with you in theory. In theory, Communism works. In theory.

And then he claimed he was the one who turned cats and dogs against each other. Why is he always making up those crazy stories? Maybe it's time we put Grampa in a home. You already put him in a home. Maybe it's time we put him in one where he can't get out. No! Old people deserve our respect. Look at jacques Cousteau and Goldie Hawn.

Mm-mm-mm. McBain, you keep eating them hot links you never gonna make it to a pension. - Come on, live a little. - No, thank you.

You'll pay for this! My Liege. What am I gonna be? Black Knight? Court Ninja? Bart the Impaler! Bart, you'll be playing the village cooper. What kind of a knight is that? The kind of knight that makes barrels and isn't a knight. Ha! Ay, caramba! Well, this stinks. But I bet Lisa got something even stupider.

What the hell is that?

D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! And sometimes I got into trouble.

Boy, that Hansel sure can eat. My corneas! You were saying? Apu told me all eight babies have colic. Although he thinks one or two might just be going along with the crowd. Eight kids? Mmm. I'm sterile, right, baby doll?

Uh, line? "D." D-E-- Um, line? "F," Bart. And believe me, you'll be seeing plenty of 'em. Bart, would you like to read a book? No. Would you like to color something?

than as a homicidal maniac or a clown's sidekick. Aha! I knew it! You're still angry that Krusty picked me instead of you. - I can't imagine what you mean. - Oh, come now! You wanted to be Krusty's sidekick since you were five! What about the buffoon lessons? The four years at clown college?

Well, I bet they miss me.

Oh, Doctor, I'm crazy!

And finally, for me, the Mickster. No! All right. I tried. Fortunately, we have a perfectly good Fallout Boy right here.

The court rules in favor of Mr. Lampwick. Itchy & Scratchy Studios will pay a restitution of $800 billion. Though that amount will probably come down a bit on appeal.

That's "Mary Had a Little Lamb." Okay, then this. That's the same thing. You just replaced "dees" with "dos." D'oh!

And I want a nongay explanation! Uh, we're drunk. Really drunk. Oh, thank God!

When the weight of the world has got you down and you want to end your life bills to pay, A dead-end Job, and probleMs with the wife

So it's true. Some cartoons do encourage violence. Ow! We gotta get Itchy and Scratchy back. And soon! Ow! You've got to make more Itchy and Scratchy cartoons. The judge says it's okay as long as you pay Mr. Lampwick royalties.

Kent, this city has exploded in a fireball of pent-up rage! I think what the viewers want to know, Arnie, is, is my house okay? You mean, is your giant castle okay, Kent? Don't hate me because I bought at the right time, Arnie. When's my right time, Kent? When's my right time?

Videotaping this crime spree is the best idea we ever had! Quick, Ralph. In the bushes. Whoo! Hi, guys. Hot enough for you? Shut up.

This movie you rented sucks. No, it doesn't. It's funny. Their clothes are different from my clothes.

(STAMMERING) Come on, son! You can fight this! Do the Bartman! Do the Bartman!

Okay. This tub was installed in 1894.

that the thief used the microwave oven at the Kwik-E-Mart. But Krusty couldn't go near the thing, not with his pacemaker. Well, you know, Bart. As much as I love Krusty, he was never one to take doctor's orders too seriously. Well, maybe, but get this. Krusty was illiterate, and the guy who robbed the store... was reading the Springfield Review of Books.

Now, Homer, these gentlemen here will be your eyes and your ears, and should the need arise, they'll fill in for any other part of your body. Your job will be to manage and motivate 'em. Give 'em the benefit of your years of experience. Don't worry. That won't take long.

That horse better win, or we're taking a trip to the glue factory. And he won't get to come. Yeah, that's a great tour. - But you can't see it all in one day. - Hey, be quiet. And away they go! Go, Duncan! Go, number five! Let's go, number five!

Yes, yes, you're in the way! Are you daft, woman?

Now, I know I haven't been the best Christian. In fact, when you're up there "blah, blah, blah-ing," I'm usually doodling or mentally undressing the female parishioners. Well, anyhoo, can I have $40,000? Now, I know I haven't been the best jew, but I rented Fiddler on the Roof, and I will watch it.

Hello. Can I help you? Agents Mulder and Scully, F.B.I. Is this about that pen that I took from the post office? I swear, I didn't know I put it in my purse! Then I was going to bring it back, but the dog chewed it up. And that just made things worse. Actually, we're here to see your husband about his U.F.O. encounter.

Yeah, but why does the Homer Simpson character have to be so stupid? Oh, he's not stupid. He's a street-smart fish out of water in a world he never made. I'm begging you! I'm a human being! Let me have my dignity back! Mm-hmm. D'oh!

I know that! Hello. This is Homer Simpson. Homer, can you name that title? "This Things I Believe." Uh, can we accept that? Whoo-hoo!

But before I go, I'd just like to say-- Ah, there's nothing better than a cigarette, unless it's a cigarette lit with a hundred-dollar bill.

Or synagogue. Questions? Well, uh, I'm gonna take advantage of this rare opportunity, even if you children aren't interested. Uh, which do you think is more important? Hard work or stick-to-itiveness? Are there any real questions? Yes.

How can I help you? Mr. Burns, you do this personally? It's a hobby. I'm not in this for personal gain. Are you acquainted with our state's stringent usury laws? Usury? Silly me. I made up a word that doesn't exist. What is the purpose of this loan? I want to buy a pony.

Read that back to me, Marge. "The father of the loser mows the lawn--" Hey, just a minute. "Loser" is such a harsh word. Couldn't we just say "the boy who doesn't win" ? Oh, man. Fine ! "The father of the boy who doesn't win... has to mow the lawn in his wife's Sunday dress." There you go. I suppose you both have to sign this.

I'm here at the Springfield Aztec Theater, where, after eight months and nine Academy Awards, The itchy and Scratchy Movie is showing for the last time. Tomorrow, a new movie starring Liza Minnelli and Mickey Rourke will open. Will it be as successful? Only time will tell. Well, Dad, I guess you won.

Hey! Whee! Where's my elephant? Where's my elephant? Where's my elephant? Where's my elephant? Hey, they're playing "The Elephant Song." I love that. Reminds me of elephants.

Stupid Principal Skinner. You gotta be kidding me.

I can barely get through one show on Friday! Even with the... (INHALING)

I blather on for hours. Yap, yap, yap, yap, yap, yap, yap, yap, yap, yap, yap, yap, yap, yap, yap, yap, yap, yap, yap. There he is. Krusty, we came to see how many campaign promises you've kept. Uh, let's see. Did I promise to be a slave to big oil? No. Well, then none.

If you ever set foot in this store again, you'll be spending Christmas in juvenile hall-- juvenile hall-- juvenile hall. Stand behind the yellow line! You will now receive your Christmas presents...

Tonight the city weeps as for the first time ever a hockey arena becomes the scene of violence following a concert by Spinal Tap. I hope my poor little baby's okay. See for yourself. Unh!

I guess it has been a while. Okay, okay. That hurts more than it tickles! Quiet, youse! Isnt vacation sex always the best? Marge, you were like a wild beast. So voracious and prowly.

What initiatives have you spearheaded? Uh... all of them? I see. Then you must have some good ideas for the future as well. I sure do!

Darryl. Darryl. - Darryl. - Darryl. Children, that's not very nice.

All righty. Here's a story just for you, little girl. It's the tale of Johnny-- No. Connie Appleseed. Oh. Back around 1840,

If your mother was a vampire and your father was a Frankenstein, how come you are a werewolf? Huh. I never thought of that. Doesn't make sense, does it? But what does make sense is putting your children in the hands of Mr. Kidkill here.

Uh, you've been flushing for 20 minutes. Is there a problem? Uh, no, Principal Skinner. Very well. I'll continue to wait.

"To start, press any key." Where's the "Any" key? I see "Esk," "Catarol," and "pig Up." There doesn't seem to be any "Any" key. Whew! All this computer hacking is making me thirsty. I think I'll order a Tab. Oop. No time for that now. The computer's starting.

We'll catch ourselves a leprechaun... using these Lucky Charms as bait. D'oh!

I'm going to be a famous jazz musician. I'll be unappreciated in my own country but my gutsy blues stylings will electrify the French. I'll avoid drug abuse but have several torrid love affairs and I may or may not die young. I haven't decided. Honey, if that's what you want, we'll help.

I said, you just lost a customer! What? You just lost a customer! You'll have to speak up. You lost yourself a customer, Moe! I forced myself to what? You just lost a customer! We'll talk tomorrow. You just lost yourself a customer!

Lisa, who do you think will win-- the Bengals or the Dolphins? I don't know. The Dolphins? Good, good. Moe, $50 on the Miami Dolphins. 50 beans on Miami. Homer, I got a call on the other line. It's me, Mr. K. What will it be?

giggling like a schoolgirl.

Thanks, Dad. You're welcome. This is our final night. Thirty contestants have already fallen through our Buzz Cola trap door. (CHILDREN MOANING) BOY: Let us out!

You just started counting from an arbitrary place.

I once picked my nose till it bleeded.

¡AY! No es bueno. So thirsty. Eh, what are you gonna do?

Oh, Apu. Oh, Lord, my ears are filled with nougat! Oh, dear! Oh, no. There's a nut in my eye.

Do you have a song request? "Radar Love." If that thug thinks he can run me out of town-- Oh man, I love this song! I been drivin' all night and it's wet on the wheel There's a voice in my head that drives my heel

You mean I can go? Yeah. I didn't want you hanging around all summer anyway. Oh, Dad, you're the best father a boy could ever have! Thanks, son. Now, you've got little hands. Can you reach under that mower and pull out that skate? Phew. Never mind.

I am so sorry for all your horrible problems. But this is our dog's room now. Wherever shall we go?

Wait a minute. Listen to me, ya lousy bum. When I get a hold of you, you're dead. I swear I'm gonna slice your heart in half.

Precious Venus. Thank you!

J Sweet words I long to whisperJ J But youve paralyzed my tongue JJ Oh, what a magical evening. The moonlight, the music, the water. Enough talk. Dip me, my love.

Oh, I only grew half an inch. I'm still too short. Growing half an inch in one day is still pretty good, Bart. Yeah, that's how fast Grampa's shrinking. Oh, I'm as tall as I ever was. Is there any way I can look taller without actually being taller?

English - US - SDH

- I'll kill you! - (GAGGING)

Mr. Burns is the richest man in town. Maybe it's about money. That's some good thinking, Lou. Oh, thanks, Chief. Hey, I said that. My name is Lisa Simpson. And I made a chart of all the suspects in the Burns case. Look. Mr. Burns hurt all these people financially. Nightclub owner, Moe Syzslak.

Hold it right there, Sideshow Bob. You're under arrest. By Lucifer's beard! Ah, yeah. It's a good thing you drifted by this brothel.

Stop it, you two! You're making Scratchy cry! Oh, we've got to stop putting these flavors of the month on. Flavor of the month? Me? Yeah, Homer. You can't just ride one accomplishment forever.

They're very nice except they never let me out. Samantha, ne pas des boys. I have to go now, Milhouse.

Brace yourselves, everybody. You're about to see the hugest, juiciest, possibly superintelligent vegetables man has ever known. You might want to crane your necks upward now to save time. Ta-da!

That's it? That's it. I see your point... brother. Give me a hug... brother. All right but I never really hugged a man before. Homer, I bought you the damn chair.

Next on the agenda. Police Chief Wiggum... will give us an update on our graffiti problem. Well, it's no secret our city is under siege... by a graffiti vandal known as "El Barto." Police artists have a composite sketch of the culprit. If anyone has any information, please contact us immediately.

Can I have the keys to the car, lover? I feel like changing wigs. Oh, okay. Starla's a temp at KZUG, radio 530. She's gonna help me launch my singing career. My car!

Good-bye, children, and behave yourselves.

Well, this is my day and we do, sir. All right ! We eat tonight ! Wait a minute. One, two, three.

That's it! Stee-rike! Attention. This is an emergency broadcast. All is well in the school. My authority as principal is total--

Oh, really! Now, this is a personal call!

Mr. Kookalamanza and-a some real ugly kid. This is great! Not only am I not learnin',

Baby. Baby. Oh, lemon. All that sex for nothing.

I can't believe that extra-thick layer of pollution that I've actually picketed against... is what burned up the comet. What's really amazing is that... this is exactly what Dad said would happen.

Hey, don't jerk me around, fella.

"The Beeramid contains so much aluminum... "it would take five men to lift it. Twenty-two immigrant laborers died during its construction." Plenty more where that came from.

Why, oh, why Delilah It's 11 K-BBL degrees below zero. I hope you're someplace warm. You bet your sweet... ass!

Wait a minute. That was Prince of Tides. Five, six, seven, eight. What are you kids playing? Counting game. Oh, that's nice. Nine,

You may not look like Ted Bessell but you're just as nice. Ohhh. We are gathered here in the sight of God and this casino to join-- Homer. - And-- - Marge. In holy matrimony. Beautiful.

But we won't let that happen, will we, Smithers? Uh-- No, sir.

Paris to Springfield is now arriving. Look, Mom. There he is ! Oh, Bart, my baby boy. Welcome home. Hey, where's the big guy ? He means me. - Hey, boy. - Hey, Homer. He brought us gifts. His first unselfish act.

I mean stomach. Gut. Crap factory.

Mothballing Your Battleship and Dig Your Own Grave and Save. Now, over the next six hours, I'll be taking you through... the do's and do-not-do's of foundation repair. Ready? Ready! First, patch the cracks in the slab using a latex patching compound and a patching trowel.

You're doing it wrong! You gotta pet him hard so he can feel it.

Oh, by the way, can I borrow your car tomorrow?

I'm going to Africa... to see lions and giraffes... and monkeys and Santa and gorillas and-

Oh, yeah. That's a fine-lookin'-- D'oh! Okay, no big deal! Stupid Lisa!

Uh-oh. It's seeping in. Stupid, cheap weather stripping!

Congratulations. I feel ridiculous. You mean I was just a prop in some cruel joke? Now you've done it.

Get in there good.

Thanks for the beef jerky ! Say good-bye to Grampa, everyone. Bye !

It's simplicity itself.

There's no detention this time, Simpson. This is the end. You are expelled from Springfield Elementary. Aw.

Whoo! Privilege! Uh, but with privilege comes grave responsibility. What? We all have to give something back to the world that's been so good to us. Give something back? Boo! Get a haircut! I'm talking, of course, about our endangered forests.

Hmm. Almost time for our commercial. Dad, who's watching TV at 3:17 a.m.? Alcoholics, the unemployable, angry loners. Look! There we are!

Mmm! Gummi Beer. Hey, Barney, I think you've had enough. Are you crazy? We still haven't tried Raspberry Duff, Lady Duff, Tartar Control Duff--

You're next, Mr. Simpson. Hey, wait a minute. Airport tax: five dollars? Sir, it's a standard fee. Well, we are not boarding that plane unless you waive that tax. Waive it! Stupid anti-fist-shaking laws!

Open up, Curly! This is a raid! A raid? Curly? Um, all right, but, uh,

And bless your humble home. Oh, it's red wire to red wire. What idiot dreamed that up? And the Lord said, "Let there be crap."

What's going on? Uh, I'll tell you what's going on. I'm taking you all out for pancakes. ALL: Yay! Yeah! BART: This place looks familiar. It used to be The Leaning Tower of Pizza. They just painted the tower brown. Either way, everyone who works in the kitchen speaks Spanish.

Bleh! This virtual fudge tastes like crap. Mmm. Mmm. Not half as good as cyber-fudge. Yo. It's me! Oh, what a bleak, horrible future we live in!

Hello. You're on the air. Hello, Kent. Hello, Homer, my arch nemesis. Y'ello. Uh... you do realize who this is. Uh... Marge? No, Homer, I'm not your wife, although I do enjoy her pearls. As a matter of fact, I'm holding them right now.

The year is 1939. 19-- 1939? Oh, my God! I've gone back in time! I've got to warn everybody about Hitler!

So how many issues of Biclops would you like? Biclops? Who's his girlfriend, Lois Lame? He's kinda afraid of girls.

Well, good night.

Know-it-all bitch.

We do, we do Who holds back the electric car Who makes Steve Guttenberg A star We do We do Who robs cave fish of their sight

Tookie, tookie, tookie Tookie, tookie--

By the way, I'm aware of the irony of appearing on TV in order to decry it. So don't bother pointing that out. Kids, everything's gonna be okay! Don't panic! Just don't panic! Mom! Mom, you're stepping on my heels and knocking my shoes off! We can always get more shoes. Move, move, move!

We make a great team, Son. Oh, I wish I had that kind of relationship with my father. Or my kids. Well, I guess it's up to me to take the first step. Hey!

(SOBS) Oh, Moe! Don't let them close you down.

Behold the future of comedy. Poochie! - They fight and bite - and bark - they fight and fight and bite - and bark fight, fight, fight woof, woof, woof the itchy and scratchy and poochie show

Don't we get to roast marshmallows? Shut up and eat your pinecone.

Shut up. D'oh! Beating a man to a bloody pulp isn't going to impress me. It used to. What if I beat him harder?

Oh, my goodness! Ow! My freakin' ears! Oh, let's go, dear. Well, I expect that type of language at Denny's, but not here!

We're here! We're queer! We don't want any more bears!

Lisa, read about my adventures in the South Seas... and make me live again. We've got periodicals on microfiche. Won't you join our tea party? It would be ever so-- Don't do it, Lisa! It's a trick! Run!

And there's enough for everyone. Sweet! It's like a hootenanny in my mouth! We're saved! It's a miracle! Hooray for Connie Bufflekill! What? So now we're not eating Homer?

Senator, there's a problem at the essay contest. - Please, son, I'm very busy. - A little girl... - is losing faith in democracy. - Good Lord!

without fallin' into a tunnel of love! Oh, I've been a fool. I've got to go after her! Take me car.

"The Hammer of Thor: It will send your pins to... Val-halla." Lisa ? Valhalla is where Vikings go when they die. Oh. That's some ball.

(SPEAKING FRENCH) Oh, this place is paradise! Well, I guess this story has a happy ending after all. Just like my last massage.

Homer, come back! That's my husband! He's our husband now. Yea!

Bart, it's time to end this dream And don't forget the standard scream

Give me the drugs, Lisa. Dad, I'm not on drugs! I was just trying-- His arm! Oh, my special little guy! Are you okay? Hmm. Dislocated shoulder, bump on the noggin.

I'll bide my time. Let him twist in the wind... slowly, slowly. And then, when the papers have found their new flavor of the month, he'll find out this cat has claws ! Good thinking, sir. Now, let's pretend you're on the witness stand.

Why are you laughing? Hey. They're laughing at your pain.

- Him? - Yes. Maybe it's the salt water in my veins,

Sarge, let's make a break for it while the guards are partying with Jane Fonda. Nope. Too dangerous. We're all gonna sit tight and reminisce about candy bars. Uh, well, uh, one time, I'm eating a candy bar at the beach, and a girl starts taking off her bathing suit-- Get back to the candy bar!

That's it! Looking good. Getting warm.

Ooh! That's a good price for 12 pounds of nutmeg. Ooh! Great selection and rock-bottom prices. But where is the love? Attention, Monstromart shoppers. just a reminder that we love each and every one of you. Aww! Hm!

They end with "mania" or "teria." Will there be beer? Welcome to the Knowledgeum. i'm Troy McClure. You may remember me from such automated information kiosks... as "Welcome to Springfield Airport" and "Where's Nordstrom?" While you're enjoying our Hall of Wonders,

You say "the salad tastes like bark"... and the potatoes were very "Grrrrr!" This reads like it was written by a dog. Are you crazy? A dog can't type. Unfortunately. Listen, you gotta shape up! Next week is the Taste of Springfield Festival. You'll be reviewing every restaurant in town.

But that doesn't make you any less of a man. Except you have no penis. In the traditional sense. So what am I? Some kind of a tin can man from Planet Tomorrow?

Oh, terrible, just terrible.

Stamp your hand for reentry. Hey! Cool! I want to be around when those guns start going off. Bart! No! Wait! Wait! My children are in there! You must be very proud, ma'am.

You can't take more of my money.

Let's go find your babies! Whoa! Dinner's on, dogs! I'm sorry, kids. I don't think we're ever gonna find your greyhounds. Maybe Mr. Burns will sell you one of the 25 he got last night.

This is so humiliating. Well, at least your name's on the bowl. Hmm. (GROWLING) (BOTH GROWLING) I submit! I submit! Hmm.

and five john Denver Christmas specials. Oh! john Denver. Hmm. That's odd.

We gave them our vitamin money. Hey, hey, hey. Shoo, you lousy freeloaders. Come back when you get some parents. In my long career, I've seen some pretty shabby things, but this putrid fraud "out-stinks" them all.

Thanks, lady. "Dear Advertisers, "I am disgusted with the way old people are depicted on television. "We are not all vibrant, fun-loving sex maniacs. "Many of us are bitter, resentful individuals... "who remember the good old days...

Oh! God, my back!

You just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That's the American way.

Honestly, Smithers, I don't know why Harvard even bothers to show up. They barely even won. Their cheating was even more rampant than last year, sir. Well, I say let Harvard have its football and academics.

Kids, there's three ways to do things-- the right way, the wrong way and the Max Power way. Isn't that the wrong way? Yeah, but faster!

Poop. Get ready, everybody. He's about to do something stupid. Well, I'm sorry to disappoint you, gentlemen. But you seem to have me confused with a character in a fictional show.

Oh, I can't make hide nor hair of these metric booby traps.

The rocks on my desk. No, that's a trilobite. That's petrified wood. Bart, that's a bran muffin!

I can actually feel the good vibrations. Ouch.

I want it! Stop this madness. It's just a washcloth. Besides, it's mine. Yoink! Hey, she's getting away with the washcloth. Head her off at the stairs! Bart, you go around that way and cut her off! Hooray, hooray

Pepe, go for the face! Help! Aah!

Tonight: The Simpsons, as you've never seen them before, on Behind the Laughter.

Ay, caramba! Bart, Lisa did a wonderful job on my hair. And we saved $40 for the family. We all have to pull together till your father gets a new job. I made some soap by squeezing soap slivers together. That's very clever.

No, not really. Well, that's what I-- Wait a minute. What are you doing? Building a soap box derby racer. D'oh! That's a hobby. Hey, so it is. Oh, my God. I don't know jack about my boy. I'm a bad father. You're also fat. I'm also fat!

construction of our new Matlock Expressway.

with a hundred percent chance of passion. Bernardo, you make that joke every time. It was that joke that made you fall in love with me. Hey, Maggie, how ya doin' back there?

Elvis played a chopper pilot one time. He made so many darn mistakes, we were just laughin' at him. - Great singer though. - Oh, absolutely.

I think words I would never say. I know you can read my thoughts, boy. Meow meow meow meow Meow meow meow meow Meow meow meow meow Meow meow meow meow I intend to prove that Freddy Quimby is totally innocent.

It begins! Give me that! Stop him! Barney, no! Give me that bottle! No! No! No!

I don't think so. Tell me the truth! Don't tell her I raised my voice. Don't. Happy family. Happy family. I keep having the same dream. I'm the mother from Lost in Space. Ready for breakfast, Dr. Smith?

Hello, Principal Skinner. A parent who waives the right to sue says what? What? Got it. Hey, you cant fool us. We're from the "Learn to Fart" state.

A superhero with glasses!

that's what osaka seafood concern is all about Well, this sucks. What else is on?

You remind me of me when I was a little boy. Your Honor, it's not easy being my parents. I'm always screwing up in school... and getting in trouble with the law. But if I grow up to be a halfway decent person, I know it'll be because of my mom and dad. Everyone else might give up on me,

Mule. The name's Lanley, Lyle Lanley, and I come before you good people tonight with an idea. Probably the greatest-- Ah, it's not for you. It's more of a Shelbyville idea.

Help me! Are you helping me? Or are you going on and on?

You know what? (SOBBING) Can I have some peanuts? All right. But I get to poke you with a stick. (GRUNTS IN PAIN) So, hey, did you see the game last night?

Very well. I will have a shot of cranberry schnapps. Uh, these, they're just painted on there. Your choices are beer and, uh, egg soakings. I'll pass. Beer is the nectar of the nitwit. Hey, you knockin' beer? Nobody bad-mouths Duff!

This is so romantic. Oh, my darling, nothing is too romantic for you. Have some more liquor. That's it. Drink up, my pretty.

God, if you really are God, you'll get me tickets to that game. Hidilly-ho, neighbor. Wanna go to the game with me? I got two tickets. Why do you mock me, O Lord? Homer, that's not God. That's just a waffle that Bart tossed up there.

Snake? I thought you were in prison.

You stink ! - Could you read that last part back to me ? - "You stink !" Heh-heh-heh. Good. You are a senile, buck-toothed old mummy... with bony girl arms, and you smell like-- - An elephant's butt ? - Hee-hee. An elephant's butt.

Wait a minute! You are a vampire! Quick! We have to kill the boy!

(TREES CRACKING) We're not overfeeding her. We've been giving her this low-fat cat food!

I never thought of that. I'm not wild about these high-risk ventures. They sound a little risky. Tsk. Oh, Marge. You are such a wet blanket. If we'd listened to you, we wouldn't have sponsored that Mexican wrestler. Yet she still gets to share in all the profits!

I wrote a poem for Barney on this special occasion. "Now that you're one year older, the time flew by so fast"-- Bart. Give me that.

This looks like a terrible place to relax. We're gonna get you to a-- Huh?

Hey, that's just Pong. Get with the times, man. Marge and I played that game before we were married. Well, we did build this spaceship, you know. Anyone from a species... that has mastered intergalactic travel, raise your hand. All right, then.

Que buenos cake-os de pan-o! Oh, boy! Oh, yeah! Good! Um... All pancakes aside, I really came here to talk about my son. I understand. But can it wait until after Bingo? Bingo? That's my favorite game. I just can't remember what to yell out when you win. "Bingo." That's my favorite game.

We thespians believe it's bad luck to mention the name of this particular play out loud. You mean Macbeth? Quiet, you blundering fool! You'll curse us all! What? By saying Macbeth?

Actually, the Simpsons are neighbors of ours, and we've found them to be a quite misunderstood and underrated family. Mom, you look so glamorous. Well, tonight is a very special night. Your father is taking me out for dinner and dancing. Dad dances ? Like an angel.

- That's Maggie again, Grampa. - Oh. Where were we? Death!

at the Springfield Laugh 'n Brew 'n Burgers 'n Fries this Saturday. The forecast calls for a 75% chance of hilarity. I like those odds. Snowball fight!

If I take you, will you two shut up and quit bugging me ? Yeah. Of course. Well-- Will you take us to Mt. Splashmore ? Yes ! Thanks, Dad. Come on, Homer ! Get the lead out ! Ow-ohh, jeez !

There's not? Ya used me, Skinner! Ya used me! Three months!

Mild-mannered Homer Simpson... You're not mild-mannered. You're often liquored up and rude. Honorable men can differ. Now what brings you down here? I want you to stop this, Dad, before you get killed. All right, I'll stop.

Everybody's marriage is falling apart except ours. See, the problem's communication. Too much communication.

Uh, is the poop deck really what I think it is?

It's called McBain: Let's Get Silly. Did you ever notice how men always leave the toilet seat up? That's the joke. You suck, McBain! Now, my Woody Allen impression.

unless something isn't okay. Turn that off, Homer. It can't be turned off. But it, uh, does break easily.

Mom, did you sleep well at your sisters'? Mm-mmm! Whoo. Mmm! - For you. - Hoo-hoo-hoo. Here's to a happy, well-rested Marge.

Okay. Now, before my boss comes, there's something important you should know. - In a minute, Homie. I have to get the door. - But, Marge!

A lot of people think our dad's behavior has screwed us up-- and it has. But it's all worth it just to hear him sing. Shavin' my shoulders I'm gettin' it all shaved off Max Power

Higher, I say! I want to soar higher than any man has ever soared! I want to look down on the clouds with contempt! I want to sneer at God's creation and spit on his-- Uh-oh. Lower! Lower! There goes my turn.

Columbo! No, that's not it. Modesto! Daktari? Nintendo?

"Loud"? That's our secret word for the day! Oh, my God!

This watermelon won't know what hit it. I love our Tuesdays together, Dad.

Oh, thank you. Thank you. Thank you, you wonderful man. All right! Food! Bart! Leave some for Rod and Todd. Here you go, lad.

I thought we were having steamed clams.

Do we want Old Man Patterson here with his finger on the button? What button? What the hell are you talking about? What-- What button? Where am I? Who took my false teeth?

Troy, Mac Parker. Ever hear of Planet of the Apes? Uh, the movie or the planet? The brand-new, multi-million-dollar musical! And you are starring... as the human. It's the part I was born to play, baby!

While he was in rehab, the part of Bart Simpson was played... by his good friend Richie Rich. Bart, what do you mean you have jury duty? Don't have a cow, Mother. Fans reacted to these... slapdash episodes with yawns. Angry yawns.

See, I'm trying to teach my son here about treating women as objects. Oh, that's a good idea. Uh, but April's over at Foxy Boxing tonight.

You're going to listen to my story. your mother was living with her two wicked sisters. Okay, girls, you can smoke now. Mmm. Oh, yeah.

I'll be right there. That woman is taking advantage of you. And we need you to do things around here. The oven light is out. And you never finished filling up the aquarium.

Yeah, you cheater. You lie like a fly with a booger in its eye. The fly was funny. The booger was the icing on the cake.

Jiminy jillickers, Radioactive Man! We'll have to fight our way out. Are you ready? Yes.

Well, we'll just see about that. Fly, my pretties. Fly! Continue the research. Mmm!

Come on in. Dignity's on me, friends.

Bart, there are students in this class with a chance to do well. Will you stop bothering them ? He's not bothering me, Mrs. Krabappel. I'm finished. May I go outside and read under a tree ? Certainly, Martin.

Hey, kid, wake up. Who are you? I'm Laura, your new neighbor. You all right? She's beautiful. Say something clever. I fell on my bottom. D'oh!

(CHUCKLING) And now, my darling, it's finally time for romance. But before the intercourse, the dinner course! Busted! You guys lied to us! You probably do this all the time. This whole family is built on a tissue of lies and romance.

This is Kent Brockman live at the Springfield Post Office on tax day. It's literally the 11th hour-- 10:00 p.m.-- and tardy taxpayers are scrambling to mail their returns by midnight. Sir, why did you wait until the last minute to pay your taxes? Taxes? Isn't this the line for Metallica?

I'm gonna kill you!

No one told me the plant was closed. Didn't you get the e-mail? What's an e-mail? It's a computer thing-- Like an electric letter. Or a quiet phone call. I don't have a computer. Too bad.

Bart, kill that cat! Okay!

Tethered. Report to room 5. Room 5? There we go. How's that? Oh, it's a little tight. Sir, you are not a size four. I used to be.

What did I tell you? No talking like a grizzled 1890s prospector. Consarn it. Anyway, rock and roll had become stagnant. "Achy Breaky Heart" was seven years away.

I guess we won't be biking through Italy.

Sir, I'm over here. Woo-hoo. Sorry, pardon me, ma'am. I see you're expecting. May I listen to the baby's heartbeat? (SCREAMING) (LAUGHING) Oh, McGrew. Once again you've mistaken something for something.

I feel like rockin', so I think I Will I'll rock it, rock it, rock it till I get my fill, yeah

Sorry, Bart. It's just not the same. I've seen The itchy and Scratchy Movie 13 times.

Oh, gosh. You know, I'm not much on speeches, but it's so gratifying... to leave you wallowing in the mess you've made. You're screwed. Thank you. Bye. He's right. He ain't much on speeches. Now, people, we are far from screwed.

This looks like a terrible place to relax. We're gonna get you to a-- Huh? Party! Whoo-hoo!

Oh, it's not fair. I'm not supposed to die now. I'm supposed to die in a foolish motorcycle stunt at the age of 15. Ha, ha! You're not dead yet, you pudgy little pisher. jack La Lanne!

You'll feel better knowing your money's... - in the hands of professionals. - "ook, ook." Are you folks ready to go ape? Mom? A professional in an ape mask is still a professional. And you'll find that saving for your future...

Hey-Hey ! Krusty ! Oh. Sorry. Well, it looks like we're not going to settle this tonight. Mrs. Simpson, in the nine seconds we have left, can you summarize your position for us ? Yes. I'd like to ask all the parents in Springfield who are concerned about this... to write in and let the cartoon makers know how you feel.

Slow down, punk! Uh-oh.

Ooh, right next to the boss. Aw, he'll never know who did it.

Looks like I'm gonna have to baptize you myself. Kids! We're good parents now! Get your asses out here! We missed you so much!

I guess if he makes Mom happy, that's all that really matters. That's right, "Money." Your "money's" happiness is all that "moneys."

All right, Lisa. You got your way. Your mom's going to a psychiatrist. She's gonna tell Marge to leave me. It'll break up the family, and you'll have to live with your grandmother and pick beans.

Ohh. I just don't want to be here, Dad. Besides, I started a fire this morning that I really should keep an eye on. Bart, this isn't the kind of thing I normally would think was a good idea, but you wouldn't have to live with Mr. Burns. You'd just get all of his money someday. This could provide for your entire future.

And with the prime suspect cleared and found completely innocent, we must now ask ourselves: Who could be as bloodthirsty as Waylon Smithers? I guess it's never the most likely suspect.

There's a mathematician, a different kind of mathematician and a statistician. Make it stop! No, not another boring space launch. Change the channel! Change the channel! I can't! I can't!

Have a good life. Sorry, Bart-dude. We gotta fill this thing with Epsom salts... and jam it on over to the old folks' home. Oh, well. Same time tomorrow, Otto? No way, man. One day of summer is all we're budgeted for.

Whoo-hoo! Whoa! Ow! Ow! - Ow! Ow! - Ow!

I can't see me lovin' nobody but you For all my life

Our driveway's snowed in. Old Man Winter! That's right. I fill your driveways with ice and snow. What are you gonna do about it? Nothin'. That's what. Stop! Mr. Plow!

I've never been so glad to be home. I don't know why we ever left in the first place. D'oh! ...Five, six, seven, eight-- I say, eight,

Oh, ho. Trouble in paradise. Hey, Marge. It's that guy who couldn't get any off ya. How would you all like to take a ride with me? Eh, you're the old flame. Homer, Marge, I have a rather delicate proposition.

No, Dad. Everyone's sick of that memory. Try to remember back when you were 12. Something frightening must have happened. Hmm. Twelve. Well, I remember I used to go hiking a lot with these two guys.

Sorry. I'm deeply immersed in the Teapot Dome scandal. Huh? - However, it might be feasible in a fortnight. - Wuh? I can play in two weeks. juh? I-- I just can't believe Stark would stoop to that.

I can't read. I can't sing without dancing. Fine! Thrust, spin, turn. Pivot, pout, jiggy. Jiggy, robot, do-si-do. And close with a Matrix. Nobody pouts going into a jiggy.

J See that drunk girl speedin' down the streetJ J She's worried about the state of public schools J J She likes to party She likes to rockJ J She prays that our schools dont run out of chalkJ

Yeah, now we love the house. And what about the sleaze and the depravity? It was a very convincing song, Marge. Mm-hmm, there were kicks and everything. Oh. Can you sing it again? I'm sorry. It really was one of those spur-of-the-moment-type things. Well, I also have a song to sing.

Hey-hey! Hey-hey! Hey-hey! Hey-hey-- Hey hey-- So hot. So sticky. Marge? I'm back here.

Uh, Mike, try to lift your arm. Can't... lift... arm...

Okay. Mountain climbing supplies. Rope. Ice ax. Heart medicine. Son, don't go up that mountain. You'll die up there, just like I did. You? "Did"? Sure. It was the winter of '28.

What if he wants to hold hands? I'm prepared to make that sacrifice.

Ohh. English side ruined! Must use French instructions! "Le grille"? What the hell is that? Come here. Get-- Uh.

What did you do this time, you little hoodlum ? Oops, get outta the way ! I didn't do it. Nobody saw me do it. There's no way they can prove anything. No, Bart. This note isn't about you. It isn't ? There must be some mistake. Hey, you're right. This note's about Lisa. Lisa ?

Hey, where's Homer? Your father's... resting. "Resting" hungover, "resting" got fired? Help me out here.

"Venting prevents explo-si-on." Ooh, this is hard. Where's my Tab? Okay, then. Yes. Vent the stupid gas.

What do you need a baby-sitter for ? I'm almost ten and a half. Mom, you wouldn't dare. Don't take that tone with me, young lady, or I'll give you a taste of the back of me hand. No, you don't. Grampa ? Hey ! Ah ! Who ? What ?

Chew, chew, chew! Swallow, swallow, swallow! Mmm!

Batman? No, he's a scientist. Batman's a scientist. It's not Batman! I think I have a way to stop the train. You need to find an anchor of some sort. Think harder, Homer.

Can't tie up the line, Grampa. There. Isn't that a lot better? Now you can do whatever you want, but don't mess up the house. We won't. And now let's try another lucky phone call.

and put an end to this nonsense once and for all. You can tell me not to do it, but there's no way you can watch me 24 hours a day. The minute your back is turned, I'm grabbing my skateboard and heading for that gorge.

Are you kidding? Does this whole plant have some disease, where it can't see that he's an idiot? Look here. Accidents have doubled every year since he became safety inspector. And meltdowns have tripled. Has he been fired? No. Has he been disciplined? No, no. Aw, everybody makes mistakes.

Hurry, Mr. Rooney. We've got a disenchanted little girl in a jell-O Pudding commercial. I could play that.

Who is it? Uh, it's an angry mob, ma'am. Could you step outside for a twinkle while we knock down your house? Just a minute.

And then he claimed he was the one who turned cats and dogs against each other. Why is he always making up those crazy stories? Maybe it's time we put Grampa in a home. You already put him in a home.

givin' up all that glamour and comin' back to school, huh?

Well, no kicking. It's too dangerous. Marge, chill out. I have great control. See? That's very impressive, but I still don't-- Stop that!

Ooh! I thought about what you said, honey, and I've decided to quit. Oh, well, fun's over. But I still have my wonderful money. Stick 'em up! Geez! What happened to you, Wiggum? You look terrible.

Damn your sparkling wordplay! And bless your humble home.

that's kl5-4796 let it ring Mr. Plow is A loser and I think he is A boozer so you better make that call to the plow king

Well, he's got my vote.

May I have some iced tea, please?

I'm caught on something. I don't want you looting. But I was gonna loot you a present. Oh, all right.

Okay, the trampoline was a bad idea. But you know what? At least I'm out there trying new things. If it were up to you all we'd ever do is work and go to church. That's not true. Name one thing you've done in the past month that was fun. I can name 10 things. Um...

When you have a rib-eye steak you must floss it Oh, that meat loaf tasted great You must floss it Now floss it Floss it good Hey, Dad. Will you help me build this model rocket? Just a second, Son. I gotta put on my contacts.

Whoa ! Hey, cool, man ! Our lives have taken an odd turn. Did the team ask you to dress like that, Homer ? Nope, this was my own bright idea. Come on, we gotta hurry. Don't fill up on those vegetables, kids. Save room for your nachos. All right ! Mmm.

Fans reacted to these... slapdash episodes with yawns. Angry yawns. Desperate to polish their tarnished image, the family agreed... to a live appearance at the iowa State Fair. Right from the start I had a bad feeling about that gig. it was an evening none of them would ever forget.

Well, I'm also trying to patch things up between Van Halen and Sammy Hagar. Hmm. But the main thing... is for you folks to stop this silly feud. Isn't that right, people?

I know that some of you are upset about the area code change, especially those of you covered with dynamite. First, let me reassure you your fears are groundless and your complaints moronic.

So Rocky V plus Rocky ii...

That may not sound impressive but keep in mind, it is a very big canyon. This sucks. Where's that channel changer? Oh. I'll give it a chance. Americans have grown up with the image of the jolly fat man--

Yeah. Right. Where's the video boxing ? It's over there in the corner. If I were you I really would use those quarters for laundry. Wise guy.

He's a phony! Lousy cheater! I demand a re-race! I got a better idea. Let's have a fun run... on his trachea.

Homer had a piece of food on his face for three days. It wasn't little either. It was a chicken wing. Wing! Ooh, what was that? It doesn't matter. Let's get some margaritas. I'm buying.

The stray dogs go to the animal pound Springfield, Springfield Springfield Springfield New York, New York New York is thataway, man. Thanks, kid. It's a helluva town

You've had some pretty bad experiences ordering out of catalogs. Remember that mail order husband? Ooh! You look just like your picture. Sorry. My mind's made up.

But she's better than me at everything that makes me special. Believe me, honey, she's more scared of you than you are of her. - You're thinking of bears, Mom. - Hmm.

Okay. On this map I marked all the places that Ronaldo liked to go.

My teacher says she's tired of trying. Yeah, well, so I am, Ralphie. So am I. It's Bill and Marty on the line right now with Springfield's very own Fat Tony. I wish to announce that my associates and I will gun down Homer Simpson... if he has not left town by noon tomorrow.

We'd be making love, and he'd have a mouth full of Hershey's Miniatures.

Homer, give me my pepper spray. Aw, Marge, one squirt and you're south of the border. Mmm. Incapacitating.

I'll take it ! Hey, big spender. Why the change of heart ?

Whoo-hoo! All right, Homeboy! Yeah! Ha-ha! Cops can't win! Get his license and registration. Right, Chief.

Ralph. "A." Janey. "A." And, Lisa, for your-- essay, "jebediah Springfield: Super-Fraud," "F." But it's all true. This is nothing but... dead-white-male bashing from a P.C. thug.

Sometimes even a human being. Somewhere in this pile of twisted metal... and soiled mattresses-- lives a poor immigrant... whose home was cruelly taken away. Yeah. By you! Groundskeeper Willie! Um, uh,

but it involves being a bit underhanded, a bit devious, a bit-- as the French say-- "Bartesque." I'll do whatever it takes. Then welcome to the nether regions of the soul. Now, here's what we do.

- Good grief. - Oh! My head!

Since you left us no earthly remains, it is my sad duty to unveil this simple memorial. Next in our cavalcade of celebrity mourners-- Bob Newhart. Uh-- See, uh--

No, no. The body on this mannequin is all wrong. I know. It's such an unrealistic standard for young... Huh? Planing down the thighs Planing down the thighs I make four bucks an hour planing down the thighs

Lisa, go to your room.

Homer! (SCREAMS) You're panhandling! I should've known from that panhandling sign, plus that ticket you got for panhandling. But, Marge, it was all for you, to buy you all the nice things you deserve. The flowers, the earrings, the Bob Seger boxed set,

Uh-oh, I'm losin' 'em. Time for the "A" material. Hey, hey! "Ah, so. Ah, so. Me like the fried rice. Me flap dickey long time."

"Go away." Hmm. Lisa, don't hold anything back.

I explicitly forbade Bart from playing with that little monster. Oh, Bart is in deep, deep trouble. Oh, yes, and punish Lisa for lying to us. All right, young lady. March yourself directly to the Kwik-E-Mart and get me some chips and a beer.

Wow! joe Namath. That's right. My car broke down in front of your house. Oh, I cannot believe you are here. Do you think maybe you could give me some pointers? Sure. There's only one thing you need to know... to be a great quarterback.

Oh, Captain janeway. Mmm! Lace: the Final Brassiere. Oh, hurry up. I'm a busy man. This high-speed modem is intolerably slow. Hey. What the--

BOTH: Yay! (GRUNTS) (TIRES SCREECHING) (SIGHS) I guess I'll just cut my own hair. Who wants their hair cut? Who? Who? Who? Who? Who? Who wants their hair cut? Who? Who? Who? Who? Who? Who wants their hair cut? Who? Who? Who?

Would you like another lick of my flavor wax? Uh, sure. Well, now that we're friends, Uter, how 'bout loosening these straps, huh? Ja, das ist gut.

Can you feel the love?

You and what army? Stand back! I have powers! Uh, political powers! It's showtime!

If the pets die, don't replace them. I'll know! So long! Don't come back!

This is the end. You are expelled from Springfield Elementary. Aw.

TV's there, bathroom's there, and there's your king-sized bed for-- Hubba-hubba. Stop that! I love my wife and family. All I'm gonna use this bed for is sleeping, eating and maybe building a little fort. That's it!

Excuse me. But when those pirates boarded, I swallowed my wedding ring for safekeeping. Get me some ipecac. I'd like to expunge it.

Your daughter could be crowned Little Miss Springfield by our host, the maitre d' of glee, Krusty the Clown! I heartily endorse this event or product. What a feeling! I'm as happy as a smoker...

I'm with you all the way. But first--

No! No more drinking.

Oooh ! A-ha ! Got him !

What religion are you? You know, the one with all the well-meaning rules that don't work out in real life. Uh, Christianity. What's with all the questions? just some report I gotta do for school.

but don't throw in the towel

Bart Simpson! You've really done it this time.

More free samples. Dad, you ate all the free samples. Now you’re eating men's slacks. Heh. ts still better than Indian food. Oh. One Turbo Diary, please.

Oh, enchiladas!

The itChy and scraTchy show "Hundreds would die, but not the thing they died for.

Hey! While we were setting your broken bones and putting your blood back in, we helped ourselves to a kidney and gave it to your father. You butchers! Give it back! Give me that-- Na-na-na-na-na-na! Don't you dance out that door, you--

Oh, you're a dead man, Burns. Oh, you're dead. You're dead, Burns!

Miss Crowley, thank you for this oversized novelty check.

Oh! "Bed"! Oh. Well, anything you say, Sis.

So long, suckers.

Well, whenever you notice something like that, a wizard did it. I see. All right. Yes. But in Episode AG4-- Wizard. Ah, for glavin out loud.

Daddy, I'm stealing! I'm stealing! Oh, that's my little dude.

That sweet Carolina smoke.

But stay away from Death Mountain. But all my stuff is there. I was referring to Waylon Smithers. Mr. Burns was shot Friday at 3:00 p.m., the very time that Smithers was at home watching Pardon My Zinger. So, you see, he couldn't have done it. Yes, you're right. I remember now.

It is I who have won your acclaim. Bart does ballet! He dances like girls! Ha-ha! Go ahead and laugh. But I took a chance and did something I wanted to do. And if that makes me a sissy, well, then, I guess I'm a sissy. He's a sissy! Let's rush him!

(ORGAN MUSIC PLAYING)

Oh, no, you don't ! No, no ! Get away from me ! Uh-uh ! Oh, can we keep him, dad, please ? But he's a loser ! He's pathetic ! He's-- A Simpson.

Well, Marge. You gotta admit, I've been on my best behavior this trip. You punched out three people on the street. That was over soccer results. Can you believe they gave Giggs a yellow card in the box? Do you understand any part of what you just said?

Okilly-dokilly. What you doin', Ma? I'm looking for a film critic to help judge our festival.

Presenting... my mother! You're kidding! That's Grandma Simpson? Can you believe it? I thought she was-- Hello. This is so weird. It's like something out of Dickens. Or Melrose Place. Where have you been, Granny? They freeze you or something? Oh, my! Such clever grandchildren.

in the navy come on protect the motherland in the navy come on and join your fellow man in the navy come on, people and make A stand in the navy, in the navy in the navy

How are you, Bart ? Fine.

What the hell was that? I probably shouldn't have eaten that packet of powdered gravy I found in the parking lot.

According to the map, this house is owned by the dog from Frasier.

Don't worry about a thing, honey. I'm gonna help you through this. Those are all normal noises. Luggage compartment closing. Cross-checking. just sit back and relax.

Happy birthday, Burnsie Happy birthday to you Go to hell, you old bastard. Hey, I think they liked us. Have the Rolling Stones killed. Oh, sir, those aren't-- Do as I say! Stinks. Piffle.

Give it a little more gas. No, no, that's too much. You know what I think would help? What? What would help? Nothing. Oh, doctor. A 98-yard triple reverse... ties the score at 63-63.

Stop it. You're killing me! Ah! Seattle! Se-- Se--

Disney's California Adventure.

Homer? Homie? What he's typed will be a window into his madness.

Well, I think I know tomorrow's headline:

Flanders, you gotta help me! Well, sure, buddy. I'd be happy to help out. What can I do-diddly, do-diddly, doodily, diddly, doodily, hoppity, hippity, hoppity, hippity, gooble, gobble, gooble, gooble, gabba, gabba, hey? Huh?

A laser pointer. Thanks, Bart. ts really cool. You can point a red dot at people's crotches from really far away. Hmm. There appears to be a red dot on my trouser front. I'd better lower them.

Hey, fellas. I'm back. Oh, that's great. Your replacement is getting tired. Hey, Queenie, you can go now. I'll give her a good home. And I did.

But you let in Homer Glumpet. It says "No Homers." We're allowed to have one. I felt so left out. Kids can be so cruel. We can? Thanks, Mom!

Hyah Man, I got more trophies... than Wayne Gretzky and the pope combined. You're quite a trainer, Mr. Simpson. Care to join us for a beer in the jockeys' lounge? I've been waitin' all my life to hear that. Hey, where'd you go? Little man?

A-- A coffin! Die, you chalk-faced goons!

What's he gonna do next, the flapping dickey? Uh-oh, I'm losin' 'em. Time for the "A" material. Hey, hey! "Ah, so. Ah, so. Me like the fried rice.

Baby, baby, baby, baby- Weve gotta start using a cheaper oatmeal.

Oh, no! John Wilkes Booth! Hasta la vista, Abie. Come on, boy! Finish him off! You're next, Chester A. Arthur!

I don't know how to say this, but I don't wanna drive your car. It's slow, it's ugly, it handles like a shopping cart. The car has a few bugs, but we're Team Simpson.

Let's get this bank back to our hideout, and we'll break into it later. It's the cops! Worse. The police cops.

Lionel Hutz, your new agent, bodyguard, unauthorized biographer and drug dealer-- uh, keeper-awayer. Leave me alone! Mom! Dad! Make 'em stop! What is all this stuff?

Don't do that ! Don't do that !

f Panting f [Record Scratching f J Who iet her jugs outJ J Lyoh, dth, dth, dthp J Marge iet her jugs outJ J Lyoh, dth, dth, dth, dthp J Who iet her jugs outJ J Lyoh, dth, dth, dthp

What's going on? Whoa. What's goin' on? Look! The forbidden barn opens. He's coming! Oh, boy. We get to see the Leader pass by.

Barney Fife! Y-E-S spells "You got it, buster!" And I'm here to tell you the feelings you're having are common for every (SNIFFS) brother of the badge. Well, my fat grew over my badge. Oh, sour mash.

You got a job? Doing what? Uh, I don't know. Mixing drinks, picking horses, cutting cigars-- You know, a job. bart, Your father and I don't want you doing that. Homer, say something. HoW much does it pay? Three bucks a week. I make more than that.

Huh! I'm ending your vending, dawg. Bart, what are you doing here? I've learned my lesson.

How horrible! If they're really witches, why don't they use their powers to escape? That sounds like witch talk to me, Lisa. Never mind. Well, that's 75 witches we've processed. That oughta show God whose side we're on, eh, Pastor? Yes, Nedwin, but we have many more strumpets to incinerate.

Hey, man, did we order an orchestra? What's up with this orchestra? Where'd the orchestra come from, man? I don't know. You didn't tell me about this, man. We gotta do somethin'.

We must relinquish the giddy glamour of show business... and return to the humble pleasures of the neighborhood shopkeeper. - Hmm. - Hmm. That's the way, uh-huh, uh-huh I like it, uh-huh, uh-huh Time traveler discount? Come on in! i like it, uh-huh, uh-huh

Look at those looters breaking windows, setting fires! They're living my dream, and you won't let me join them! - Please, can I throw one little-- - No. What if I just burn down a-- No. Can I at least incite further-- No. I've caused enough trouble already by plugging in that Santa Claus. No more irresponsible behavior. Can I have a beer? All right.

Can you nAMe the truck with four-wheel drive smells like A steak and seats 35 Canyonero CAnyonero

This party's just getting started! Stop the celebration! That small boy is drunk!

"Marge" is already taken? Mmm, how about "Marjorie"? Uh, sorry, ma'am. Mmm, how about "Mitzi"? Uh-uh. Uh, you can have "Nitzi." - Hmm. "Nitzi." - I'm out of here.

Go, Knightboat, go! Oh, every week there's a canal. - Or an inlet. - Or a fjord. Quiet! I will not hear another word against the boat. - Okay, TV off. It's family time. - Oh, but, Marge! Knightboat: the crime-solving boat.

Aha ! Whoa ! My Wiffle balls, my Frisbees, my water rockets ! I hit the jackpot !

There you go, Barn. That'll be 45 bucks. Forty-five bucks? This better be the best-tastin' beer in the world. You got lucky.

Homer, can you say the alphabet backwards? Oh, you’d like that, wouldnt you, you- Hey, I'm worried. I’ve had just about enough of you! Oh, yeah? Yeah. Oh, rats. I'm out of here. We cant let our friend drive like this. I'm liable here. Get his keys!

- There's a swingin' town - I know Called

See? Everything's fine. Dolphins! Oopsie. Hi, girls! Aw. Salt water seems to be good for it.

Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God. Shut up. ts not a purse. ts a diaper bag. What? It looks like a purse. That's why I bought it. But it's really- Shut up! Fine. I'll just take this!

Okeydoke. Here's your bill... and your continental breakfast. All right, everybody, hands up!

You'd think all the noises would be annoying, but they're not. I got suspended from school today. No kiddin'? What do you think of my page, Lisa? Be honest. It's great, isn't it? Go ahead and say it's great if you want to. They found a switchblade in my locker. Well, a Web page is supposed to be a personal thing. You've just stolen copyrighted material from everyone else.

You better lay down the law. (UPBEAT MUSIC RESUMES) (ALL CHEERING) Ladies, ladies, I really am a cop. Oh, is that a five? Well, this uniform is a little snug. (WOMEN CATCALLING) Oh, yeah!

Oh! That was close.

Th-This is writing? I'm sorry, Uncle Kent. I lost my thesaurus. Thesaurus. You'll lose more than that-- In preparation for the big game, Springfield Stadium has caught additional seating capacity fever. Whoo-hoo. Go, S.U.!

I can still hear his voice on the wind.

Oh, head of the line. A family could get used to being shunned, huh? Huh? Hey, look, Sean. It's that family everybody hates. Whatever.

I love you, Moe ! Please, not in public. You better be dyin'. I love you, Barney. Oh, how European. Aah ! Come on, Barney ! I gotta get home !

If you were any kind of a father, you'd have disciplined that boy a long time ago. You want to step back, sir? You're trampling the flowers. Ooh! Hiding behind your goons, eh, Bush? Whoa! Well, you are a wimp! Wimp, am I?

What if I talk like this? What if I sing to you? I gave my love A chicken it had no bone Mmm, chicken. So then, "mono" means "one," and "rail" means "rail."

Flanders, you gotta help me!

I can't take this anymore! I want my soul, and I want it now! Bart! You didn't finish your spaghetti and Moe-balls! Silence, you fool. It can be ours. Run, boy! Run! Run for your life, boy!

Who do you love ? Krusty ! How much do you love me ? With all our hearts ! What would you do if I went off the air ? We'd kill ourselves !

Cool. Uh-oh. Eek!

Ohh! I hate folding sheets. That's your underwear. Well, whatever it is, it's a two-man job. Where's Bart? He's up in his room. Bart! It's okay, Marge. I'll get him. Bart!

Hi, guys. Aahh! Hi, Otto. Move over. I'm driving. No can do, little buddy. See, there's a rule-- Oh, wait. You're the little dude with the gnarly powers.

Okay, Dan, fire away! I'm Dan's manager. This is Dan. - Go long, son. - Yes, sir. I'm catching a pass from Dan Marino. This is the greatest moment of my-- Whoo-hoo! Homer Simpson with a pick!

Mm-hmm. You bossed around the richest, most powerful guy in town? How come you were a sergeant and he was only a private? Well, he got busted down for obstructing a probe from J. Edgar Hoover. We got stuck with him. Now they'll never save your brain, Hitler.

just look at all that ice cream. It's damn near irresistible. Well, we better leave him in there. Moving him now could kill him and tire us out. Check it out! A freezer geezer. Please, young customers, ignore the frozen gentleman, and return to your impulse buying. Aw, but we wanna stare at the ice dude.

Maggie, don't press the red button. Damn it! (ALL SHOUTING) Marge, I've always loved you. Bart, you were a worthy foe.

Aahh! Run, sir. Every bone... shattered, organs... leaking vital fluids, a slight headache, loss of appetite.

The service has ended. Go in peace.

Deploy, damn you! Deploy!

The kids'll go cuckoo for these! (CUCKOOS) (CHUCKLES) My name's Goose Gladwell. Of Goose's Gags and Gifts? That's right. I've got 20 stores in 30 states. And I want to sell your shirts in most of them. You really think my shirts will sell? Absotively! Here, take my card.

One, two, three, four, five, six-- Seven, eight, nine-- The referee's issuing a warning to Rasputin.

Cartwright, cut. Smith, sorry. Cut. Azaria and Shearer, you're cut. Firestone, you're cut. So is judge. Namath, you stay. All of those people are cut. Bill Schultz and Wolf and Silverman. Goldreyer. O'Brien, Doyle, Selman, I don't know what you--

Homer? Later, Marge. Lurleen's on TV tonight. I gotta get ready. just so you know, while you and Lurleen were out judging that greased pig contest, Maggie got her first tooth. That's great, honey. Have you seen my rattlesnake hatband?

specifically forbids the wearing of earrings... unless you're of Gypsy extraction. Well, I'm a Gypsy. Oh, really? Prove it. Well-- "I 'vant' to suck your blood!" Nuh-uh. That's a vampire. But, uh, they're also covered. Carry on.

Pour me another! Just take the whole leg. What's with all those rapping grannies in the movies? If I ever start rapping, just shoot me in the head.

Sir, you haven't slept since the casino opened five days ago. I've discovered the perfect business. People swarm in, empty their pockets and scuttle off!

Mendoza! You want to rent it, sir? Why? I just saw the best part. Ooh. Death by Knockout, Blood on the ice.

Whoo! Yeah! All right! Rock! Whoo! Oh, say can you rock

Ohh! Homer! - What? - Are you ready? just gotta put my shoes on.

Correction-- free blood. Whoops. Bart and I have to go wash up. But you didn't get any on me-- Ugh-- Wh--

That is the most dishonest thing I've ever heard ! I should box your ears, you-you-you Sneaky Pete !

You wait till next month. You wait till next month.

We are under attack by the Zorrinid brain changers. Quickly, into the safety dome, Milbot. Affirmative, humanoid. Ew! Don't mind me, boys. just scrubbin' my undies.

Yes, this should just about do it. Ball sack'n!

I know I really shouldn't, but when am I gonna be here again? Whee! Well, if it isn't little-- uh, boy.

I was wrong, and I just can't live without you... Hmm, I guess I've done everything.

(CACKLES) Aw, hey. It's only money. And it did make a cool splash. (GIGGLES) Marge, you're taking this pretty well. Dude, she seemed tense, so we put a little hashish in her meal.

(REQUIEM PLAYING)

Huh? Think about it. I mean, what team was Babe Ruth on? Who knows? Yankees. Sharing is a bunch of bull too. And helping others. And what's all this crap I've been hearing about tolerance? Hmm. Your ideas are intriguing to me, and I wish to subscribe to your newsletter.

Her ring. Well, she's run off-- with Simpson.

Cooper! More pink lemon-ale! (ALE SLOSHING) (GRUNTING) Cooper, thy staves are not flush. Whoa! (ALL LAUGHING) You'll pay for this, my queen. Guards, take him to the tower!

Hey, don't hurt me! Here's my wallet! Hi-diddly-ho, schuss-in-boots!

But when I do it, it's cute. So, finally, we're all in agreement about what's going on with the adults. Milhouse. Okay. Here's what we've got. The Rand Corporation, in conjunction with the saucer people-- Thank you.

Marge! We're trying to help Ned! Lord, I never question you,

Every day I pray his DNA ain't genetic (ALL CHEERING) Damn, this ride is pimped out. Yo, downstairs I got a wax museum of famous movie monsters. Check it out, if you want to get your fright on.

We're doomed. Doomed. Oh, God. Can't this town go one day without a riot? Ya! Gadzooks! Where are my bodyguards? Is there anything fluffier than a cloud? If there is, I don't wanna know about it. Oh, dear. Oh, my!

Homer, Mindy, you've just won a romantic dinner alone at Madame Chao's, the sexiest Chinese restaurant in Capital City! Is there any way to get out of this? No.

and its small clientele of loyal perverts. Oh, I'm afraid this problem goes far beyond Eugene and Rusty. Marge, if you please.

Go off to journalism school,

She's locked in the car and refuses to move. Did you flash your lights? Yes. Well, I'm fresh out of ideas.

Good work, honey. Keep it coming. Well, I'm flunking math, and the other day I was a little attracted to Milhouse.

Ding-- excellent schools. Dong-- quality hospitals." "When America was born on that hot july day in 1776,

They think they can starve an apology out of me ? Ha ! Uh-oh. I mean... good ! Hey, what are you doing ? No ! Drop that drumstick ! Bad dog ! Bad Santa's Little Helper !

No! Good night. Sheesh! Morning. So it is noticeable. What happened? I don't know. I woke up like this. Oh, cool! You could be in a freak show!

Permit me to demonstrate. Lisa, shut your eyes.

Hey. Take that. Take this. Come here, you little squirt. Homie, maybe we should go inside. But, Marge, that little guy hasn't done anything yet. Look at him. He's gonna do something,

Well, I guess we're single again. I can't believe I have to give her half my stuff. But are we still friends? Till the next one. So what do we do now? Well, we're in Canada. Let's find something fun. I've got just the ticket. Come on.

I've heard it all. Well, what I did was I... (WHISPERING) (EXCLAIMS IN DISGUST) What are you? You're like a monster! That's like the worst thing I've ever heard anybody do to anybody! You should be drinking watered-down beer in a chipped glass on a stool with a nail sticking up out of it! You know what?

Ooh, there's Ulysses S. Grant, Babe Ruth-- Ben Franklin. Early to bed. Early to rise. Ya think-- Ya think you're better than me? Huh?

"Mr. Simpson--" Blah-blah. "Misrepresentation over telephone--" Yada-yada. Sincerely, some Australian jerk. Hey! I need that!

Say it means punching. Oh, Willie, during the festival,

for what the caffeine would do to the Fenway flounder. - Is that a fish? - It was. Hey, that guy looks like you. Oh-ho! That's me, all right-- standing up against America's reckless spendthrift politicians. It commemorates my liberation of a trillion dollars that would have been foolishly squandered.

Oh! Yes? Are you a new applicant?

It makes my blood boil-- and my left arm feel numb. Also, I taste copper. Quick! Someone perform C.P.R.! I see a bad moon risin' That's C.C.R.

(EXCLAIMING) (TIRES SCREECHING)

Thank you. Okay, folks. Let me hear what's troubling you. Don't be shy. Yell it out. Everybody. Go. I, uh, can't commit to a relationship. I'm too nice. I have problems with-- I'm always interrupting people. Okay. Okay. Right now, I want each of you to try something interesting.

we'll be in a three-hour line to see the Orb of Isis. Ta-da! Notice anything new?

Hey, anybody seen Homer today? - Here. - There he goes.

Three Ribwiches, please. And instead of a shake, I'd like a blended Ribwich. I'm sorry, sir. The Ribwich was for a limited time only. Not again!

There's a kind of hush All over the world tonight

ts for my back spasms. lf guys didnt keep pinching my tush, I'd never stand up straight. I thought you liked all the attention you were getting. I'm afraid all that attention is from the wrong kind of people.

Yeah, well, you don't. Lousy big shot. Thinks he's so big 'cause he's got a lot of guns. If he didn't have any guns, I'd show him a thing or two. What happens when he walks into my store? Then we'll see who's worried about five-day waiting periods. Dad, it's 3:00 a.m.! Can't you mutter in your room?

I didn't burn down the school. It was the butterfly, I tell you! The butterfly! He's crazy, boys. Get the Taser. Maybe I need to talk to somebody with a little more age and wisdom.

Now go on, boy, and pay attention. Because if you do, one day you may achieve something... that we Simpsons have dreamed about for generations.

Ooh! Mmm... hot wax. Oh, hammer.

Dad, why did you bring me to a gay steel mill? I don't know! This is a nightmare!

I want to see what's going on! No, mother! Don't look out the window! Cops! Everybody split up!

Gott in himmel! Who'd have thought a nuclear plant could be such a death trap? It will cost another 100 million just to bring it up to code.

Your friends? A neighbor? Those fat cats in Washington? Good luck. Hey, you know, maybe no one'll notice. Maybe the problem will just fix itself. Now you're the one who's being naive. Okay, fair enough. But you sound like you're ready to become your own boss...

I'm the face in your dreams of glass It may be bleak, but this music is really getting to the crowd. Ah, making teenagers depressed is like shooting fish in a barrel. Throw out your cares and fly

I'll just call a plumber. C) Lord, I see thou art working through thy imperfect vessel, Marge. For thou art most wise- You know, most people pray silently. Marge, he's way the hell up there! Okay.

lts webbing is a mesh of comfort and evil. You had me at “comfort.” Mm-hmm. Mmm! Mr. Hammock, say hello to Madam Ass. Huh?

Oh, that's nice. Your father wanted to be a policeman but they said he was too heavy. The army said I was too heavy. The police said I was too dumb. I'm going to be a famous jazz musician. I'll be unappreciated in my own country but my gutsy blues stylings will electrify the French.

Safe and sound. Oh, that's better. Oh, thank God I'm outta matches. Oh, no. Here's another one.

There stands a broken man. It's recess everywhere but in his heart.

And the Emmy goes to... I don't believe this... Sideshow Bob. This is one more Emmy than you'll ever win... you bantering jack-in-the-box! just don't drop it in the shower. No-talent, shill! Second banana! Panderer! Bore!

People, take it easy. We're all upset about Mr. Burns's plan to block out our sun.

And may God have mercy on us all.

Buzz off, Guiseppe. Pepe, go for the face!

We were out buying them fabulous gifts-- What's the occasion? Because we love them, jackass. Anyhoo, we came out of Wal-Mart, when suddenly, 100 spaceships-- Homer! You're right, you're right.

I'm Marge Simpson, and I have an idea. Marge is gonna say something. Now, I know you haven't liked some of my past suggestions, like switching to the metric system. I think the metric system is the tool of the devil! My car gets 40 rods to the hogshead,

For dessert I'll have dinner again My name's synonymous with gluttony I'll always eat a turkey or a ham Stop singing that song!

Something bad's going to happen if you go in there. Oh, Marge, something bad usually happens to me when I go in anywhere.

And they just drove off in my Bugatti Sexarosa. How could this ever have happened? Well, according to our audience insta-poll,

I could never think of something like soup or a pencil. Oh! I'm just gonna rest for a minute.

Stupid walking. Thighs chafing horribly. No drink holder. I miss my car so much. Everyone's driving but me.

Wait, Mr. Smithers. Homer Simpson is innocent. I did this. You did ? What are you talking about ? Mr. Simpson was unaware of any impropriety. I take full responsibility. Really. Oh. Well, then, you're fired, whoever you are. Here's your $1,000.

It's all right, boys. Oh, thank goodness everyone's okay. Except your thumb, and Lisa's science project. I couldn't help but notice your respective predicaments. Perhaps I may offer a bipartite solution.

with thousands of people staring at our naked bodies. All those eyes... just leering and leering at us. Who's in the mood for miniature golf? Ooh, I am!

"jane Fonda, Daniel Schorr, jack Anderson"-- Hey! This is Richard Nixon's enemies list. You just crossed out his name and put yours. Yeah, okay, gimme that. Gimme it back. "Barney Gumble."

Uh-- Oh-- Oh, my name is Agnes, and you know it's Agnes! It means lamb. Lamb of God. I'm sorry, Agnes. Marge.

Ho-ho! I knew he'd slip up sooner or later. Ah, yes. Rusty and dull. Barney, don't steal any beer while I'm gone. What kind of pathetic drunk do you take me for?

because you have good intentions! - Hey, back off, man! - Oh, okay, dude! I wouldn't want you to have a cow, man! Here's a catchphrase you better learn for your adult years: "Hey, buddy, got a quarter?" I am shocked and appalled. Mr. Flanders, with all due respect,

But love made me come back. Bless you, Son. I knew you'd come through for me. Now, Homer, this may sting just a tiny bit, but-- Oh, son of a--

Hmm, I better go check that out. Now, Homer, don't you eat this pie. Okay. All right, pie, I'm just gonna do this.

Oh, look, Homer, the I.R.S. Boo! Oh, boo yourself. Here we are, kids. The Watergate.

Gee, I don't know what you've got planned for tonight, Homer, but count me out. Didn't you buy any meat? This baby's sure to kill something.

I can't get any closer. You'll have to jump! Piece of cake, son. Crap! Crap! Crap! Crap! Crap! Crap! Crap! Crap! Crap! Crap!

i was auditioning for the role of Dr. Tad Winslow...

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Oh, here he comes. What is it now, Quimby? Nothing. Nothing. Only the, uh, city has just passed... another tax on puffy directing pants. But I don't wear puffy pants!

And so. That's one grade I truly earned.

Hello? Bad dog!

Excuse me, Americans! How did you know?

Hey, one per customer. Domestic beer only. Hey, no sharing !

we've had three movies, two filmstrips... and an hour and a half of magazine time. I just don't feel challenged.

Can you say "Mama"? Can you say "get bent"? Bart! Mr. Rogers says it all the time.

Don't mention it, Miss... October.

See? Two means yes. Homer, the only way to get rid of a gypsy curse... is to get one of those, uh--

My husband is on a murderous rampage. Over. Oh, well, thank God that's over. I was worried there for a second. No answer. Don't worry, Mom. I can use my "shinning" to call Willie.

Yeah. Think about it.

Ah, Disco Stu. Right this way. But, hey, Saint Peter, you just said, like, you was full. Oh, yeah! Ah, geez.

I moved here from Canada, and they think I'm slow, eh? I fell off the jungle gym, and when I woke up I was in here.

These are no ordinary termites. What youve got here are Russian no-wood-niks. Can you save our house? Okay. But in order to kill these bugs... I’ve got to live like a bug, think like a bug, become a bug.

"Knock knock." "Who's there?" "juliet." "juliet who?" Juliet so much pasta fazool, Romeo doesn't want her anymore! Whoa, tough crowd. They're booing Shakespeare!

Doctor? That's right. I'm Chief of Complicated Surgery at the InvasiCare Clinic. That means you went to college, right? You have to if you want to be an architect. Or an environmental lawyer. Or Regional Sales Coordinator for the third largest distributor... of bunk and trundle beds.

Could it be any more orange?

At least there's one place I'm always welcome. MEN: For he's a jolly good fellow... Oh, guys. This is just what I needed.

Down with taxes! Down with taxes! Down with taxes! Won't you think of the children? Are these morons getting dumber, or just louder? Dumber, sir. They won't give up the Bear Patrol, but they won't pay taxes for it either.

And, if we have time, Chicago, Boston and Los Angeles. Oh. Marge, get the door. What in the world ? Get dressed, Marge. You've got to lead our protest...

Yes, I finked on Homer, but, you know, he deserved it. Never have I seen such abuse of the "Take a penny, leave a penny" tray. The tax men were merciless. Hey! Oh!

(MOANING) I'm sorry, sir. The computer says the movie Chocolate Star Wars doesn't exist. I say you don't exist!

Can you believe it? Kent Brockman playing on our court. Match point. And how about that Stephanie the weather girl? Homer, ball! That's game, set and match to us.

Looking good, boys. That's it. There's too much corruption on this force. I quit.

Well, that shut me up.

Oh, look, Bart. Now you got Maggie all upset. Relax. I'll give her some ice cream.

Hello, gas company? How poisonous is your gas? Wow. Bu-- Eh-- But I'm talking about, you know, outdoors with plenty of ventilation. That-- How could that be worse? Okay, permanent brain damage or just temporary? I see.

And now... you must die.

Sixty-four. Sixty-three. Two. One. Have you been up all night eating cheese? I think I'm blind.

Come on! Give me that shirt!

Curses. It's jammed. Hi-larious! Well, with the old ball and chain gone, maybe I can finally have a little fun at the office. Ah! A candy shop. Yes. I'll take two pounds of Bristol's toffee.

for the mandatory Worker of the Week Award festivities. Clean. Clean. Pistol. Uzi. Two kids posing as an adult. - Oh, hey, Homer. - Hey!

(ALL CHEERING) TOM: Overseas, the reaction tonight is decidedly different. Simpsons be praised! Praise be to Springfield! (ULULATING) But not everyone is ululating tonight. The President announced today he is pointing warheads at...

Whew! Ahh! "Grace under pressure... is no--" Three minutes to meltdown.

So long, sucker.

(GULPS) Don't critique my technique I'm no geek I make the principal nervous My friends can confirm this I'll bust a spit wad in your epidermis Oh, no, he didn't! (CROWD CHEERING) You can trace my remorse To its supersized source

Don't worry, Marge. Take a look at this. "Myth: it's only fair to pay for quality first-run movies. Fact: Most movies shown on cable get two stars or less and are repeated ad nauseam." Hmm, I don't know. Marge. Hear Me Roar, the network for women.

It hurts! It hurts! Owee! Owee! Owee! Ow! Mm-hmm. Young man, this stress fracture... will require you to be in a cast for six weeks.

Very nice, Simpson. But next time, tie the other end to the ship! No!

You're gonna-- Lemon tree? That tree's been in Springfield since the time of our forefathers. Give it back, or we'll bust in there and take it! Bust in here and take it? You must be stupider than you look. Stupider like a fox!

Oh, a spoonful of slurry will cure what ails ya. Oh! You haven't changed at all! You're still evil. And when you're trying to be good, you're even more evil. I don't understand. Pigs need food. Engines need coolant.

After breakfast, me and Milhouse are going down to the ravine. We got a tip from a six-year-old that there's a dead Martian down there. And I'm going to the park to jam with the Little White Girls Blues Quartet. Wanna come with me, Daddio? I'd love to, honey, but Daddy has to go to a beer-drinking contest today. Think you'll win? Son, when you participate in sporting events,

Oh, I'll kill myself if Portugal doesn't win. It's hard to believe this used to be an internment camp.

Cant we just pretend you’re really a girl? Well, for how long? For the rest of our lives. Gosh. $50,000.

Aw, rats. Another gutter ball. Gee, Homer, you sure do suck tonight. Yeah, suck like a fox!

Gas! Out of the hole! Gentlemen, this canary died of natural causes. Back in the hole!

Then I'm gonna quit drinkin'! No, I mean it. You won't see me here again, ever! Wait. That ain't funny. He's my best customer.

Checkmate, Mr. Trampoline.

Nah. Yeah, they're not great.

But I'm out of the woods now, right? I mean, whatever doesn't kill me can only make me stronger. Oh, no. Quite the opposite. It's made you weak as a kitten. Look! Hey, come on. Quit it. Coochy coochy coo! Stop. Please stop. Oh, you swing like a girl. Come on, now.

This is horrible. The Fox network has sunk to a new low.

And so for helping to K.O. litter in our community, I hereby dedicate this statue of Drederick Tatum. Litter is my most treacherous foe. I would like to eat its children. So long, suckers!

Hey, Homer. You dirty teen! Ow! Hey, Homer, stop! Stop! It's me! Sheesh! Moe... wrecking Moe's bar? Uh-- What are--

Hi, Homer. I'm keepin' two of my fingers crossed... that you're gonna have that nuclear generator up to full power by tomorrow. Uh, yes, sir. No problemo. Good. By the way, Homer, what's your least favorite country? Italy or France? France. Nobody ever says Italy.

kind of sophisticated. Son, I'll never doubt you again. The contents of the hijacked truck-- some 12,000 cartons of Laramie 100's. We have-- Please! We have a number of leads. and let me assure all you smokers, there is no shortage of cigarettes.

I'm... going outside...

From now on, I'll pray till my hands are chapped and bleeding! [Man On PA j52, 52, 52... 5 f, 53. f Male Commentator] Ooh, ioW marks. i Ve never seen Noodles this mad f Female Commentator] She 's throwing her diaper at the judges.

I'm checkin' in He's checkin' in I'm checkin' in checkin', checkin' in

ALL: Cowabunga! (ALL SHOUTING) (EXPLOSION) (IRISH MUSIC PLAYING)

Yeah. It's cheaper than blank tape. Great idea to smuggle fireworks, boss. Yeah, I was gettin' sick of running those unions. So much paperwork. Knock-knock. Excuse me. My friend and I were interested in purchasing quality fireworks. Yes, we are.

If you are calling about the missing feet, leave your address, and the replacement feet will be rushed to you by my grandson, jody. And now I must return to the sweet embrace of the crypt. But I'll be back. So, is he alive or not? 742 Evergreen Terrace.

We're now approaching our final destination, Itchy and Scratchy Land, the amusement park of the future, where nothing can "possibli" go wrong.

It was my first-- and last-- blackberry schnapps. Ned, did you clip Ann Landers today? - Ann Landers is a boring old biddy. - Ned! I was more animal than man! My name is Otto.

Otto, what are you doing? I don't know. I just got an urge to join the navy. You're being brainwashed! Yeah, probably. "Yvan eht nioj."

Or should I say "deading day'"? How the mighty have fallen. Into my price range. I want to go there. - Dad, we are there. - Whoo-hoo! Now, Rainier, I really dont think it's right... to sell these Playdude centerfolds.

This may well prove fascinating.

And the ruiner of events worldwide -- title fights, the Super Bowl, and the Nixon funeral-- ladies and gentlemen, the Fan Man! Aw, cripes! Now I gotta comb this side over.

This is a disgrace. Settle down. Anything this bad has to be educational. Bart! Let's see if they wore underwear back then. Yeah! Do you feel any better? No. What are the odds of getting sick on a Saturday? 1,000-to-1.

And now, the Top Hat Channel... is honored to present Broadcast Nudes. Ooh ! Gross ! Yet strangely compelling. - Huh ? - It's a raid ! What the-- YOu-- Hey, you ! I know you ! Come back here !

What's the matter, Chief? Yeah. You've barely touched your Banana Kaboom. This isn't a very happy birthday for Rex Banner.

Yeah. There's so many things we can-- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. We'll call you or send you some fruit. Look, Grampa. You're already getting a new neighbor. Hi. I'm Zelda. I put the "ass" in "assisted living."

(YELLING) How do we get out? Your baby has to press the red "evacuate" button. Yo, Chief, we got a problem here. I see a vase, but Eddie sees two people in profile. Now, this may shock you, but you're both right.

Now, to show my gratitude, I want you to help yourself to an item of your choice. All right! You be careful with that crossbow. I will.

Don't tell him you were at a bar. But what else is open at night? It's a pornography store. I was buying pornography. Heh-heh-heh. I would've never thought of that.

Well, I could use a new pair of hockey skates. Done and done. That's not fair.

Back before every joe Sweat Sock could wedge himself behind a lunch tray... and jet off to Raleigh-Durham. Are you getting lots of bugs in your mouth too? Yes.

Maybe. The Bible says it's fun to do stuff together. There's a stranger in the manger And his name is love Take it, Homer. Oh, I got it. You want me to stay out here and work on the chorus.

We had lunch at a lovely diner. They had clam chowder, Rhode Island-style. I never knew there was such a thing. And the crackers kept on coming.

Now let's make jelly.

I feel that you should shut up. You know, you really irritate me, Skinner. What with your store-bought haircut and excellent posture. - Mister, I can't stand the sound of your voice. - Oh, really? Oh, now, now. There's no need to resort to violence. Aw, sure there is.

Well, enough talk. Let's snuggle. What? Oh, my God! Marge, could you close your eyes? I'm trying to sleep. There.

Oh! They won't let you have any fun. Well! If it isn't the leader of the wiener patrol... boning up on his nerd lessons. Homer, you should be more supportive. - You're right, Marge. Good work, boy. - Hmm.

"Are we there yet? Are we there yet?" And I'm no day at the beach either. "Marge, can I have another sandwich? Marge, can I have another sandwich?" No, I mean a vacation by myself. What?! You mean we're getting a divorce? Marge, I can change.

Oh, my name is Agnes, and you know it's Agnes! It means lamb. Lamb of God. I'm sorry, Agnes. Marge.

And the battle is well and truly joined. Whoo-hoo-hoo ! Mercy is for the weak, Todd ! Yeah !

The missing piece of the puzzle. I've got it!

I'm not ashamed.

We didn't know. I had an inkling. Could someone please whack my hernia back in? Sure, thing, Dad. Mr. Simpson, we'll cut you down... as soon as you answer one question about japan. Is the answer "japan"? Actually, it is.

It's called Barton Fink. I can't. I told my dad I'd wait for him. Barton Fink! Barton Fink! Barton Fink! Homer, we're going to my sisters'. - Remember, pick up Bart. - I'm on my way.

Attention. This is Principal Skinner, your principal, with a message from the principal's office. All students please proceed immediately to an assembly... in the Butthead Memorial Auditorium. Damn it, I wish we hadn't let the students name that one. Children, the times they are a-becoming quite different. Test scores are at an all-time low,

Who is this? It's Lisa. I just called to tell you how much I love you. And can I take the bus to the museum? Museum? Mmm, I don't like the sound of that. What did your mother say? Um, I wasn't 100% clear on that. She said something, but she was kind of in a rush to get Bart to the emergency room.

into a hippie pot party. While johnny Welfare plays acid rock on a stolen guitar,

Oh, you'll find this amusing-- - the suit Charlie Chaplin was buried in. - Eww! Here's a scoop for your readers-- the Hall of Patriots. That intrepid lad is my great-grandfather, Franklin jefferson Burns, tossing that tea without a care...

workin' For the mAn eveRy night and day This is my favorite part of the pageant because-- What does that say? Oh. It gives me a chance to visit with the girls personality.

You.. bad dog. Bad... neighbor dog. Here. Let me help you up, Mr. Burns. - Ah ! Watch it. - I love dogs. Babies too. Kitty, kitty. Uh, you all right, Mr. Burns ? Oh ! Of course. A little roughhousing with the pets is good for a man's appetite.

And I got to thinking maybe I should start asking my own questions. You know, find out the truth about things. It had to be told. Check out The Willie World News. I reviewed the new tractors. They're all shite! See, Lisa? Instead of one big shot controlling all the media,

It's like there's a party in my mouth and everyone's invited.

Don't forget to give her Smeckler's Powder. Don't make fun.

Well, I'll always have my crank calls. Hello? Old lady from Titanic? You stink!

How much farther to the campground? Let's see. judging from the bug buildup, we're gettin' close. I'm not sure mosquito season is the best time to visit Lauraville Lake. Folks, you're gonna want to turn around. The bugs are firmly in charge. What? Please, just go. They've taken the Visitors Center!

ha? Hmm? Oh. You stole my bit! YOu-- That's my bit, you-- Oh, you stole my bit! Cut! Oh, my God! He's killed the original Alfalfa! Yeah. Luckily, Alfalfa was an orphan, owned by the studio. Oh, I see. Yeah. That makes sense.

No, it's not. It's my tummy. I mean stomach. Gut. Crap factory. Wait a minute.

Five thousand, six thousand? I swear, that's all I've got. Don't you care about your son? This is more important than money.

You mean it's not? Oh. Wrong again, Gay Guide to Springfield.

Thou has forsaken my church!

(IMITATES MARGE GIGGLING) I don't talk like that. (IMITATING MARGE) Yes, you do. Well, you talk like, (IMITATING HOMER) "Oh, Marge, "sorry I set the bed on fire. D'oh!" (LAUGHING)

The only difference between our marriage and anyone else's is we know ours is a sham. Are you gay? Gay? I wish! If I were gay, there'd be no problem. No, what I have is a romantic abnormality, one so unbelievable that it must be hidden from the public at all costs.

Caps and Frisbees, sir. You gotta eat them too! And some pogs. Me and my buds just like to go We're havin' fun Everybody knows We don't fuss and we never cry We just groove takin' in the sights Me and the boys

There'll be trouble in town tonight Seymour!

Hi, I'm Alan. I'm your copilot. Uh, yeah. Um-- Hmm. As a change of pace, I'm gonna let you do most of the work. I think you're ready for it, Alan. And, um, I'll just, uh, get us started.

Wake up. The Rapture's coming in half an hour! There's no time to waste. Marge, grill a chicken! No, make sandwiches. And some Kettle Chips would be nice. Original, not barbecue!

- Hey! - Ned, we meant well. And everyone here tried their best. Well, my family and I can't live in good intentions, Marge! Oh, your family's out of control, but we can't blame you, because you have good intentions!

- We're a team. - No, Krusty. You always treated me rather shabbily. On our last show, you poured liquid nitrogen down my pants... and cracked my buttocks with a hammer. Ah, come on. You wanna waste your life... hanging out with a bunch of dorky teenagers? Here's your taco, mister. Oops. It fell in the fryer. I'll get it out. Ow! Ow!

Snorky... talk... man.

Say it, Frenchy. Say "chowdah"! Never! Okay, you asked for it. I'm gonna enjoy this. ow, ooh. ow, ooh. Ow, ooh. Whoa!

Request permission to come aboard. Permission granted. - Marge! - Whoa!

- I'll, uh, print you out a copy. - Thanks. Hello, Smithers. You're quite good... at turning... me on. Um, you probably should ignore that.

I'll get it. Aah. Mmm. Pedals, people.

It eases my pain.

(CLANKING) Get off my masterpiece, you punks! I'll call your mothers!

You keep squirming, there's going to be a little bald girl with no lollipop.

and a credit card that won't set off that horrible beeping. I think it does have something to do with your Christmas bonus. I keep asking for it, but-- Marge, um, let me be honest with you. Yes ? Well, I would--

Uh, I got a problem, Hank. Aw, gee, Homer, could it wait a sec, please? Well, it's pretty important. Say, what's goin' on? I'm having a little trouble with the government.

since "half-sandwich and soup ofthe day." I'll just leave you two alone. Remember, as far as he knows, we still teach math. Hmm. Lisa, I cant help but wonder ifthis is a bit of a put-on. Why, whatever do you mean? Whoa!

What youve got here are Russian no-wood-niks. Can you save our house? Okay. But in order to kill these bugs... I’ve got to live like a bug, think like a bug, become a bug. Oh! Why do you always hire the cheapest guy?

I know you do. Baby! Otto, since when have you had a girlfriend? We met in the summer of love. Woodstock, '99. Quick! I need some water! Eight dollars!

Thank you. Thank you very much.

(AUDIENCE BOOING) You suck, Johnny Rainbow! I believed in you! (GROANS) No! (SOBBING) You sabotaged Cameron for me. Sure did. I'd do anything for you, honey. Especially if it's easy.

and, I can only assume, still is. Uh-oh. We didn't reset the safety switch. He's gonna smell like hot dogs. Operator, get me Morningwood Penitentiary. It's an emergency. Now, Martha, we've been over this and over this.

They're not all crazy, Dad.

Whoa. That isn't good.

"because none of those things could exist without six white stripes... seven red stripes and a hell of a lot of stars." Thank you very much. Yeah! Damn right! "Recipe for a free country: Mix one cup liberty with three teaspoons of justice.

I love Chinatown. Although I wish they'd stop picking on Tibet Town. Ooh! It must be Chinese New Year!

I don't see a single good deed next to your name. Well, the thing about that is, um-- Ow! Oh! Homer, settle down. I'll give you a chance to get into heaven. You have 24 hours to go back and do one good deed.

- Ow. - Hee-hee-hee. - Ow. - Hee-hee-hee. This is a rather lifeless outing. Don't worry. They're building to something. Oww. Hee-hee-hee. Kids, say no to drugs!

Don't feel bad, Abe. I'll always think of you as my friend without a car.

Mm-hmm. Throw the book at him, sonny. D'oh!

I wish I was Death again. That was cool. Every brain unlocks more secrets of the universe. Muffins are surprisingly high in calories. The pyramids were actually built by Sears.

You said something about a hot meal? (CLEARING THROAT) (THUDDING) CHILDREN: Yeah! Oh, man. These seats suck. Leave everything to me. Pardon me, comin' through, rest in peace, you're dead, take a dirt nap, feed the worms.

I can't believe a convicted felon would get so many votes... and another convicted felon would get so few.

We don't need a thinker. We need a doer, someone who'll act without considering the consequences. Homer! Homer! Homer!

All right. Settle down. Anita Bath here?

I just gotta get him back! Or if not him, a similar dog. Dog for sale! Dog for sale! How much for the dog? Oh, he's not for sale. Oh, well. Although, if the right offer came along--

Oh, yeah. Urinal cake eroding. Eroding! Eroding! Gone! That motion-capture suit is just what this country needs. Just think of all the hilarious motions that are going uncaptured.

I don't like gazpacho. What's that anyway? It's tomato soup served ice cold.

Pinchy? Oh! Pinchy!

I'll get you anything my friend if it'll make you feel all right

Hello, Bart. Down here, Bart. Ow! What do you want? Surely there's no harm... in laying in the middle of a public street.

"Worked for the Carter Administration"? Well, you voted for him... twice! Lisa, shh! Someone might be listening. Mm-hmm. Uh-huh.

Oh, well, I used to rile the late, great Connie Mack with that one at old Shibe Park.

Don't worry, buddy. Here's a quarter.

The poliCeman on the beat needs Some time to rest his feet fighting crime is not my cup of tea

As hard as it is to believe, some people don't care for me neither. No, I won't accept that. No, it's true. I got their names written down right here... in what I call my, uh, enemies list.

Have you no shame, sir? I should give you a royal caning. Hey, I'm just trying to make an honest buck. Ah, get lost, you bloodsucking parasite. Wally and I have all the tickets we need. Uh, sorry, fellas, but these tickets are counterfeit. What?

Mayor, Fat Tony asked me to give you this. You moron! That's the kiss of death. Oh, no! Wait. Maybe I didn't do it right.

Those big-shot stars used me up and spit me out. I did their laundry. Got their pictures developed. Took their garbage to the dump. And I still got a carful of their crap. Crap, eh?

Yes. The madness ends here. Oh! If I had a nickel for every time I've heard that. I'm very mad at 'ou.

Take your best shot. I'm wearing 17 layers. Ooh! I brought this on myself.

Calling all cars. Come out with your hands up. Hey, that's my badge, Homer. That's officer Homer. Lousy prize-grabbing, badge-wearing-- AAah! You ate my homework?

who says it's wrong to eat meat. - Is he crazy? - No, just ignorant. You see, your crazy friend never heard of the food chain. just ask this scientician. Uh-- He'll tell you that in nature one creature invariably eats another to survive.

just like carving a turkey. Oh! Oh! Eww! Maybe you're right, Marge.

Where are you going, Bart? Mom, you won't believe this, but something you said the other day really got through to me. Mmm! And now, I am going to teach some kids a lesson. I choose to take that literally. Death to Shelbyville! Yes, Bart's a tutor now.

Ah, he'll tire himself out soon. Then the prince and the princess... got married...

You told our agent this place holds 30,000 people. It does. We had 30,000 here last night. Now play. The audience is gettin' restless. We want Chilly Willy! We want Chilly Willy!

Oh, Lisa. Haven't you seen Home Alone? If some burglars come, it'll be a very humorous and entertaining situation.

This has been such a nice, peaceful dinner. It calls for a celebration. I'm going to make the most international coffee in the house: Montreal Morn.

Oh, he's not bothering me anymore. Buck McCoy helped me. Buck McCoy? He was the greatest of them all! He was bigger than opium! I met one of my heroes today. She started the first-- Buck McCoy! I still carry this. "Junior Buckaroo 2nd Class. Little Grampa Simpson." Cool!

"But one thing I can tell you "any time I hear the wind blow it will whisper the name... Edna."

Oh, man. How are we supposed to kill the rest of the afternoon? You mustn't kill time, boys. You must cherish it. Seize the day!

Back to the hammocks, my friend.

Welcome to the jungle We got fun and games We got everything--

Inside every hardened criminal beats the heart of a 10-year-old boy. And vice versa. just remember, Bart. Convicts aren't cool. They're bad people. Yeah, maybe so, but they get the job done. Hey! Now I know where my tax dollars are going. Huh?

Bart, why were you in there so long? Lis, that place is great! They have a jukebox in the basement.

No. There is absolutely nothing else to tell you about this house. That's good enough for me! Purple drapes! All my life I've wanted purple drapes!

So after a lot of thought, we decided to let you go cold turkey. For those of you who survive the night,

Yeah. Those are exactly my "sentimonies." Yeah! Yeah, you said it, Barn.

Like you need some kind of change No matter what the odds are this time Nothing's going to stand in my way

Well, Moe, this is it. Today's the day I get my new air conditioner. Congratulations. Who's the little chick?

Go ahead. Try and grab some flab. Go on! No. Not there. Not there either. Over here. I've got some. No. Here. Try my foot. No. Not that foot. just feel my biceps. Ooh! Whoa! Well, what do you think of your old man now, Son?

My first dollar! Thanks to you, Lisa-- and our hemp-smoking friend. Shine on, you crazy diamond. Sounds like somebody's living in the past. Contemporize, man! Well, Lisa, as my adviser, you're entitled to 10%.

$29.99. (SIGHS) Here's fifty. Woo-hoo. That's your donut money, too, mister. (MOANING) Lenny, Carl, how you doing? Hey, Homer. How's retirement? It's awesome. You know what I've gotten into? Sleeping till noon. Yeah, well, we better get going.

I'd like to play me latest chart topper. It's called "Me Fans Are Stupid Pigs." Bart, you've got to go on. Slag off. You've changed, man. It used to be about the music.

I'm looking for a friend. Last name: jazz. First name: Hugh. Hold on. I'll check. Huge ass? Somebody check the men's room for a huge ass. I'm Hugh jazz. Telephone. This is Hugh jazz. Uh... hi. Who's this? Bart Simpson. What can I do for you?

you'll always bail me out. Oh. Mom? Dad? We'd better do something about this. Don't be sad. It's Carnaval!

Good Lord, Mother! I can see your... figure. Oh, you see a lot more when you do my daily mole check. What I do for my allowance money is nobody's business.

And you, sing one about, uh, robbing banks! J Calf’s in the field so you sneak up slow; J Grab 'im by the tail and go, man, go; J Break into the bank and snatch that dough J

I don't think he's coming back.

Won't you pack your bags and leave tonight

he's made infant-related businesses cry-- all the way away from the bank. How are your baby crutch sales? Uh, terrible, Kent. And cartoon character Band-Aids, forget about it. Look at this baby. Not a scratch on him. And I got boat payments.

I like to think I do something helpful for every student "N" through "Z." Uh, the only advice I can give you is... try to share common interests and spend, spend, spend !

Culture... Vulture... Birds of prey... Pray in a church... The Father, Son and Holy Ghost... Ghosts are scary... Scary rhymes with Gehry! That's it! Architect Frank Gehry! He could build us a concert hall like he did in Los Angeles.

and I hope you'll find it in your heart not to drive awa-- Well, I'll be all right as long as I can remember my army training. Dang!

Aw, screw it. We can't go back home? Where are we gonna live? Ooh! How 'bout that house? That has people living in it. You can see them through the windows. Lousy showoffs. Look! It's jimmy Carter!

That helps me when I feel sad. Sorry, Dad. I know you mean well. Thanks for knowing I mean well. Gee, Homer. Looks like you got yourself a real problem on your hands. Yeah, right. Uh, Bart, vacuum this floor. Hey, man. I didn't do anything wrong ! In times of trouble you've got to go with what you know. Now, hop to it, boy !

Yeah, she never makes me wonder when it comes to that Well, my head's in a whirl because I like that girl At a beauty contest She's the kind just couldn't lose She ain't lost one yet

For shame. Oh, this is horrible. My spit takes all have blood in 'em! Look, I'm really sorry. "Sorry" don't suture my colon! And you're off my show forever!

Flanders to God! Flanders to God! Get off your cloud and save my Todd! Yea! Thanks, God. Okilly-dokilly. What you doin', Ma? I'm looking for a film critic to help judge our festival.

Drink up, Judah Ben-Hur.

Oh, WOW. This really hides my thighs. Sisters are doing it for themselves Hey, why is this door locked?

Well, thank you very much, Mr.-- To pronounce it correctly, - I would have to pull out your tongue. - Eew. - Fried shrimp ! - Sloppy joes ! - Smothered pork chops ! - Look, Homer ! Radish rosettes !

Okay. Steady, Bart. Taking ballet doesn't make you any less of a man.

Put the cotton in her ear. That'll stop them shakes. No, no. What she needs is a balsam specific. Balsam specifiC! oof-- While we're burning money, why don't we give her a curative galvanic belt too? Don't forget to give her Smeckler's Powder. Don't make fun.

Oh, shush yourself.

Oh, what's the use? Even if they pick us up, we'll go back to jail because they think we hate America. I don't want to end up like Elmo, hanging himself in prison.

That rotten Moe is getting rich off a recipe I gave him. Take that off this second.

And another thing: when people come up to me and say, "Hey, little buddy." And hit me over the head with a hat? That's not funny. That hurts! Stop laughing at me!

He blows, all right. He blows big-time.

My goodness ! That's very impressive ! Holy moly, that's the biggest...

A pain I know all too well. So this is what it feels like when doves cry. Milhouse? Milhouse? Now what do I do?

Flanders! Snap out of it! Thank you, Homer. I don't know what got-- Dad! I think he's oka-- It's better... - to be... safe... than... sorry. - Dodilly-- - Sorry. - Didilly-- You see anything yet?

so after that, it might not be him anymore. It might be what's his name, um, Mumbly joe, uh-- I saw him on TV the other-- uh, Bob Dole! Hmm. An election. That complicates matters. Set grid coordinates for Bob Dole.

You’re Baby Stink Breath! You’re Baby Stink Breath! En francais. Vous étes i 'entant Stink Breath! How could you make me Baby Stink Breath and not even tell me?

Dream on, drunkie. Oh, that's it! You're goin' down!

If you just made a few lifestyle changes-- No! Can't sleep. Gonna die. Can't sleep. Gonna die. We're back with legendary producer Robert Evans. Now before you did The Godfather, there was Love Story. Tell us about that.

Excuse me, Brother Faith.

Mmm. My women's intuition is telling me something. I wonder what-- Oh, my God. Well, that's it. I guess this is the class I'm gonna die in.

from the stern discipline of the Baron. Boo, Baron! And the rest. R-O-C-k in the U.S.A. Whoo! R-O-C-k in the U.S.A.

Give it up, Dad. Piggy ain't coming back. Lisa, you ruined my barbecue! I demand you apologize this second! I'm never, ever apologizing, because I was standing up for a just cause! And you were wrong, wrong, wrong! Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to my room! That's it! Go to your room!

Samantha, ne pas des boys.

Oh, Lord, I know my new wife is a little more peppermint than you're used to, but I know you'd want me to honor my sacred vows. - So I will. - Hey, stud. Where do you keep your Wet Ones? I need a shower. - Oh, we've got a real shower upstairs. - Upstairs! I hit the jackpot!

Remember me? My name is Marge. The TV mom whose hair is large. Step back, Mom. It's Bart's turn now. Eat my shorts. Don't have a cow.

Lost your spine, huh? You just keep finding new ways to disappoint me. (STAYIN' ALIVE INSTRUMENTAL PLAYING)

Like a hog! I-- What? What was that? Mr. Burns, I don't want to seem ungrateful, but I want to go home to my family. I was hoping I wouldn't have to tell you this, but I'm afraid your family doesn't want you back.

You and your children and your children's children. For three months.

And now, to sing Amazing Grace, Miss Maggie Simpson. She's quite a hellion, but she does have an incredible voice. Stop everything! The wedding has been called off!

Young people of Springfield, as your mayor, I'd like to welcome you... to our annual funny book convention and thank you for... pumping almost $300 into the local economy. Your youthful high spirits have imparted a glow to this old warhorse.

I'm cold and frightened.

And there's nobody guarding it! Let's go. I can't believe I destroyed the Earth. Are you still talking about the Earth? You're right. I gotta let it go.

except for that week Ray jay johnson was my cohost. "You can call me Ray, and you can call me jay." Ooh! That thing was funny for about three seconds.

Ah, dinner with three beautiful women. I must be in heaven. This is Homer ? Oh, my.

My baby turtle crawled into your basement window. Oh, you poor boy. What's your turtle's name? Uh... Apron Boobs-face? Really? Well, let's go find it. And what's your name? Uh... Shoes... Butt-back?

Stop it, Apu. You're scaring me. Aah! Aah! What's going on? Help! I'm being kidnapped!

Go ahead, but don't use A-flat or G-natural. Those notes are owned by Disney. That's A-flat. That's better.

I don't believe this. "I will never watch your show, buy any of your products...

But how will I find out what you had for lunch in 1928? I have a web site! ABE: Welcome to my home page. Why don't you visit more often? Mr. Simpson, if you want to find that bear that attacked you, use this.

Hmm. An election. That complicates matters. Set grid coordinates for Bob Dole. Well, night, everybody. Good luck, Mr. Dole.

The baby can have Bart's crib, and Bart can sleep with us until he's 21. Won't that warp him? My Cousin Frank did it. You don't have a Cousin Frank. He became Francine back in '76. Then he joined that cult. I think his name is Mother Shabubu now.

in the navy Come on, people and make A stand in the nAvy in the navy in the navy come on protect the motherland in the navy come on and join your fellow man

Sorry, son, but there's a program about campus life that I really should watch. We now return to School of Hard Knockers, starring Corey Masterson. Dean Bitterman, I hope nothing unsavory happens during my visit.

Now, look, I'm the doctor here.

And I can't buy you a decent wedding ring. Any ring is fine, as long as it's from you. Marge... pour vous. Oh!

You can stay in our garage. A garage! Somebody up there likes me.

Oh, my little Homie Bear. Time for bed. Sing me my bedtime song, Mom. Ooey, gooey rich and chewy inside golden, flaky tender, cakey outside Mm. Wrap the inside in the outside - is it good Darn tootin'! Doin' the big fig newton

Oh, for God's sake! Good-bye, Springfield! From hell's heart, I stab at thee!

This has been a Bart-toon presentation.

Hmm. Your ideas are intriguing to me, and I wish to subscribe to your newsletter. But I think we have to go on the retreat anyway.

Ladies and gentlemen, pour a little cider on those Peepers, 'cause here comes the halftime parade. I forgot my float. Quick. Pass me down. Stop that. Okay, Lise. If they don't have tabbouleh, what's your second choice? They'll have tabbouleh.

Permit me to demonstrate. No!

Why my favorite color is local.

You don't need that. Way to go, Buck. I feel my faith growing anew! Better get rid of this too. - Not to mention this. - Whoa! There's nothin' wrong with a little "Hey, hey!" Hee, hee, hee, hee! Fun's over, boys!

are gonna sail around the world like we always wanted. We just christened a boat. Yes, sir, everything is gonna be just Perf-- Aaah!

Strange. Regular ham doesn't thrill me anymore. Hmm. I'm crossing over to deviled ham.

You still got it, Bob. Way to guard the parking lot, Top Gun! I have three medals for this. Hey! Where is Sideshow Bob and that guy who, uh, eats people and takes their faces? I'm right here, Chief. Oh. Then where's Sideshow Bob?

Greetings, chums! Were your days at work as profitable as mine? I just had a sinful shopping spree at Wee World. We're having the best spring break of our lives, and we don't need you around nerding it up. That job is taken. But surely I and my $600...

And now we wait. So, is this your school? Well, it used to be.

If I hear "objection" and "sustained"... one more time today, I think I'm going to scream. Objection. Sustained.

Sure is sunny. Was the air always this fresh? I'm just gonna hang out in this vent! Does this thing suck or blow? Suuuuu--

There are no good wars, with the following exceptions: The American Revolution, World War II, and the Star Wars trilogy. If you'd like to learn more about war, there's lots of books in your local library-- many of them with cool, gory pictures. Well, good night, everybody. Peace, man.

Man, I don't know why I bought this stupid tape.

just ask this scientician. Uh-- He'll tell you that in nature one creature invariably eats another to survive.

When Moe's closed, Barney lost his only means of support--

instead of going into a dark, dreary bar. Hey, get in here, boozy. You're late for your drunkening. No. From now on, walking is my beer, and feeling good is my hangover. Hmph! Huh. Hey, maybe this is a sign. Maybe it's time for me to get out of the alcohol business-- give barber college another try.

See you in hell, punk. See you in hell, punk!

You already put me in a home. Then we'll put you in the crooked home we saw on 60 Minutes. I'll be good. Look what your bad egg of a son did to my teeth! Dad, you and your stories. "Bart broke my teeth." "The nurses are stealing my money." "This thing on my neck is getting bigger."

He made it ! Yea ! Bitchin'.

Nighty-night, my sweet little foundling-a-dings.

Don't make me come down there! Like to see you Fit. Why, you little...! Put a man on him. I like the other boy. So polite. What are you doing to save my baby boy? We've located a piece of machinery in Louisiana that could pop him out lickety-split.

I-- I just can't believe Stark would stoop to that. And right in the middle of Montana and Dakota's wedding.

I've seen you get hurt too many times. I'm not gonna let him into my heart or my bedroom. Just 10 minutes on the beanbag. Come on, Short Round. We're going back to my temple of doom.

Daddily-doodily. Where are we going? Where are we going? Okay, okay. Don't panic. To find Flanders, I just have to think like Flanders. I'm a big, four-eyed lame-o, and I wear the same stupid sweater every day, and-- The Springfield River!

Hey, Mom, look what I got! Oh, that's cute! Did you get it in the souvenir shop? No, that security guard is handing 'em out.

Awesome! I'm blasting all the state capitals! Oh, take that, Salem, Oregon!

Fast hands mean less whipping. Ow! Skeeter bites are good luck. Scratch it, and you get a wish.

Cool concert. Am I right? Yeah, nice try, narc. Where's the narc? Who? That fat jamaican guy. What'd I say? What's goin' on? Hey, we're just tryin' to have a good time, narc. Why do you want to destroy us? Don't commit your hate crimes here! Hate crime!

It looks like we put the kibosh on another two-bit telephone swindle, boys. Frankly, I would have expected better from jimmy the Scumbag. Hey, what's this thing? Huh? Oh, that's an auto-dialer. This bird was using it to pull a telemarketing scam.

Try not to look too sad. It'll seem suspicious. And now Ned's best friend will say a few words. Homer. When I think about Ned, I can't help but remember the look on his face when Marge drove over--

Come on, TV. Give me some of that sweet, sweet pap. Well, let's define our terms, gentlemen. Are we talking about redistricting or are we talking about reapportionment? Oh, well, can't win 'em all. We interrupt this public affairs program to bring you a football game. Yes!

My bubble, my rules. That's it, boy! It's time for your bath!

Deadly meteor shower?

Shh! Baby made a boom-boom.

What a beautiful garden. - It's almost like paradise. - Heads up! Whee!

Seven feet tall he was, with arms like tree trunks. And his eyes were like steel, cold and hard. Had A shock of hair, red, like the fires of hell.

Last time I got to go backstage was when Bart ripped his pants at the Christmas play. - Mom! - Ha-ha! Hello, bands! Who is playing with the London Symphony Orchestra? Come on, people. Somebody ordered the London Symphony Orchestra.

- Hell, no. - You got it. Ready, Señor Beaveratti? I'm a-ready. And a-one, and a-two... You're the birthday You're the birthday You're the birthday boy or girl...

Look ! The Crosstown Bridge ! - Wow ! - Wow. - There's a swingin' town - I know Called Capital City The Penny Loafer !

Stand by for an urgent bulletin. Hey, hey! Krusty the Clown is back on the air! Eight-- No, no! Twelve hours a day! The only game in town! Krusty! But how?

Fine. If you're so sure about that, why don't you sell your soul to me? How much you got? - Five bucks. - Deal. There you go. One soul. Pleasure doing business with you.

Whoo-hoo! Now, let's go save those kids! You're the camel! Hey, this car's got cruise control. School, please. Homer, that's not how it--

Mmmwha ! Gotta go. Ba, ba Ba, ba, ba-ba, ba-ba ba-ba, ba, ba Come, children. Let's go watch the Happy Little Elves. We've seen the Crappy Little Elves about 14 billion times.

D'oh! Wow. It's approved by the Royal Magic College of Hyderabad. That's a party magic college. It is not.

How do we know some principal in France... isn't pulling the same scam you are ? For one thing, you wouldn't be getting a French boy. You'd be getting an Albanian. You mean all white with pink eyes ? No. No, no, no. A student from Albania. It's a country on the Adriatic Sea. Well, going to France sounds like a fantastic opportunity, but I think Bart should have a say in this.

I dare you to look at a kangaroo and not laugh. I dare you. Well, they're usually funnier.

Oh, oh, oh. What's the deal with cardboard? Boo! All right, let's just move on to Notebook 2. I've really gotta get dinner started. Me too. I also have to go. Boo! Krusty, the acoustics in here-- I appreciate the effort, kid. But there's only one thing left for me to do.

What-- How did I get here? We found you smoldering in the bushes. That's it.

An overworked and underappreciated housewife has parked on the bridge, refusing to budge. This reporter will be lowered in the sky harness for an exclusive interview.

The tree! Oh! Oh! A car impound lot! The impenetrable fortress of suburbia!

If you are one of them, I advise you to turn off your set now. Come on. I dare ya. Chicken. Hey.

Hip, hip-- Hey, I'm trying to drive here. Hey, Dad, that light says "check engine." Uh-oh. Tape must've fallen off. There. Problem solved. Oh, come on! Relax. She just needs a little lovin'.

Oh, Bart! I don't know how that got in there. Lisa, why aren't you at band practice? I quit. Right now you're discouraged but you know you love the saxophone. I think you should stay in the band. If you think it's so great, why don't you join the band?

Oh! Okay. Now am I the only one on fire? Good. This family has hit a new low. We're on the run from the law, totally lost, no car, no money, no clean clothes...

Look at him go. You're beautiful. Aw, somebody's in love. That means you'll have to be neutered. No!

Sir, we've run into a serious problem with the mission. These Nielsen ratings are the lowest ever. Oh, my God! We've been beaten by "A Connie Chung Christmas"!

I knew I had to buy some time, so I asked him to sing the score from the H.M.S. Pinafore. Ooh, a plan fiendishly clever in its intricacies. Take him away, boys. Hey, I'm the chief here. Bake him away, toys. What'd you say, Chief? Do what the kid says. Mm, it's so good to be home again.

Wow, Dad. You're surfin' like a pro. Oh, yeah. I'm betting on jai alai in the Cayman Islands. I invested in something called News Corp-- Dad! That's Fox! Undo! Undo!

"Would Jesus microwave a burrito so hot... that he himself could not eat it?" Well, sir, of course he could. But then again-- Wow, as melon scratchers go, that's a honey doodle. Now you know what I've been going through. Well, luckily, I've got a book right here that's jam-packed with answers.

Well, sir, I have to get to work. Lenny's a real bear on tardiness. Are there any chores I can do? Uh, no, no. Uh,

"When do you need me?" I said, "Thursday." He said, "I'm busy." I said, "Friday?" He said, "Friday's worse." Then he said, "How about Saturday?" I said, "Fine." True story. Yeah. I used to open for Krusty in '69. In fact, he fired me, as I recall. Oh, Sting.

Bart, look. It's Dad! Dad, when did you record an album? I'm surprised you don't remember, son. It was only eight years ago.

from my latest album. Just kidding. Here's one of my many classics. That I fixed with new words. You hooked up in high school Now you've come so far

Oh, I don't feel like writing horror right now. Oh, that's too bad. I'm working on a biography of Benjamin Franklin. He's a fascinating man. He discovered electricity and used it to torture small animals and green mountain men. And that key he tied to the end of a kite?

Oh, no! Wait. Maybe I didn't do it right. Never mind that. just go patrol the perimeter. Ah, au gratin potatoes. That's a quality side.

Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Jingle Bell R--

Look at this. Special insert: "Iron-on madness. "Ban the bath. Don't trust anyone over 10. Sock it to me!" Those magazines create a dangerous amount of laughter. "The 'all-ighty ollar'"?

and when Marge Simpson put the cat out, possibly because it was harassed. We don't know. Of course, there's no way to see into the Simpson home... without some kind of infrared heat-sensitive camera, so let's turn it on. This technology is new to me, but I'm pretty sure...

And now, for your triumphant walk down the runway. Whoa! Ooh! Aah! It's hopeless! There's nothin' to it. Give me those heels. Heel, toe, heel, toe, heel, toe. Hmm. Do you really think I can win?

Oh, it's the four elephants of the Apocalypse. That's horsemen, Ned. Well, getting closer.

All right, people, listen up. The harder you push, the faster we will all get out of here.

A little beer will put out that fire.

That's why I bought it. But it's really- Shut up! Fine. I'll just take this!

Oh, my. This is taking a long time. Wow, cool. We should try that at school!

I don't think God's words have ever sounded so plausible. Thanks, Art. Um, I have to go over here now.

Hey, look. They got food at this thing. Here's one for the road, dude.

Uh, Mr. Simpson, you weren't supposed to leave the home. Thank you, Ping-Pong. My name is Craig. Sure, it is.

Homer, I'm telling you. This is not the interstate. Maps. Shouldn't we stop somewhere and ask for directions ? Don't worry. This is an all-terrain vehicle. My feet are getting wet !

Only $250 to enter. Oh! Hey, Barney, will you give me 250 bucks for this blimp ticket? Sure!

Here comes our guide for the day, Postmaster Bill. Howdy, partners. Welcome to your post office. Wow! It's ours? Bart! Be with you in a minute.

Uh, no, sir. I discussed this with our lawyers. They consider it murder. Damn their oily hides! Bring him to me!

The guy in the pink shirt is the father of the family who was just released from a mental hospital. Thanks, everybody. It's great to be sane. We want Michael! We want Michael! We want Michael! Here he is. Here's the guy you want to see!

I'm a little tired. Aw, come on. Hey, spell "Little Miss She Thinks She's So Big" Very well. "L-l-T-T-L-E. .. - M-l-S-S- - I aint got time for this. I got a bar to run.

We'll just go down to the phone company and straighten it out. Which phone company? There are hundreds of them, and they all keep changing their names. Uh, I think we're with Comquaaq. No, I think it's Niagular. No, last week they became Vertiqual.

Wait a minute. I'm at work. You gotta pay for it! What the- Where's my money? f Marge's Voice f Wha- Oh. f Lisa's Voice f f Bats Voice f Sorry, Homer.

And we saw a dramatic collapse in the lion-gazelle alliance. Oh, I hate reality shows. A year ago you said they were the greatest thing that ever happened to us. I’ve grown, you havent And now we 're back.. to Touch the Stove.

Boo! You rot! Versus Homer and Lisa-- Bup-bup. Sorry. That's Homer and Venus Simpson.

Here you go, Homer, $135. I used to hate the smell of your sweaty feet. Now it's the smell of victory. Oh, shut up.

What the hell is going on here?

Mom, Dad, I'm the real Bart. That's just some overgrown fly with my body. Somebody listen to me! Shoo! Shoo, fly! Listen, buddy. This is all a mistake.

we Overheard his plan and Could save those dogs from that mean old man it still wasn't worth burns's song and dance I'm back, sO resume wettIng your pants Okay.

Why, hello, Bart. Say, are those new shoes?

- Grampa ! - Huh ? Dad ! Sonny boy ! Is there room at your table for a foolish old man ? Well, sure ! We'll have to move a chair in from the den. But it's no problem. Bart ! Choose your corn cob. En garde ! Challenge accepted !

Huh? Whoa! Whoa!

It was an exciting time to be young.

(CHUCKLES) My little boy's in love. I think he's having a heart attack! (GROANS LOUDLY)

Core meltdown in 10 seconds. Nine, eight-- Meltdown averted. Good boy!

I love you, Marjorie. Oh, Homer. I love you too. Mmmwha ! A little predinner entertainment. Moe's Tavern. Is Oliver there ? Who ? Oliver Klozoff.

Well, I hope you're happy, Bart. You have no idea what kind of plague you've unleashed upon this town. Our top story: The population of parasitic tree lizards has exploded,

he's the greatest Guy in history from the town of springfield he's about to hiT A chestnut tree

Oh, this is so embarrassing! Lisa, did anyone force you to come here today? You. Hmm. Well, no one's forcing you to stay. Okay, I'm leaving. Hup. You're not going anywhere, missy. But it's me, Moe, wearing a sailor suit.

Good ol' Judge Snyder. Next defendant, Bartholomew J. Simpson. Well, showtime. Why, hello, Bart. Say, are those new shoes? Yes, they are, Roy. Judge Snyder? While we're young? Oh, sorry.

It's just a friendly seal. Shh. No, we can't play now. Shut up! What is it, Pancho? Is someone out there?

where the peanut bowl is freshened hourly. Moe, I'd like to bet $20 on Denver. I think I can provide that service. Chief Wiggum, could you hand me that little black book? Sure thing, Moe. I was using it as a coaster. $20 on Denver. Pleasure doing business... H.S.

Watch me turn on the TV. I've never seen such recklessness! You might've hurt someone! Are you some kind of moron? Yeah, but-- Hey, yutz. Guns aren't toys.

Come on! Get-- Get in there! D'oh! Stupid game! Now what were we talking about? My daughter's violin! Oh, right. Why don't we just break into Fat Tony's compound and get it back? Really? You'd help me take on the mob? For a casual acquaintance like you? Absolutely.

But-- Please, just sit down. I'm embarrassed for both of us. Mmm.

Milhouse, a little salt? Sure. Ohh! Ha-ha-ha. Now we're even for your party. Come on, let's go play. My mom won't let me be your friend anymore.

I hate the public so much. If only they'd elect me, I'd make 'em pay. Oh, Moe, how do I make 'em like me? Uh, gee, you're kind of all over the place there, Homer. You need to focus here. You got to think hard and come up with a slogan... that appeals to all the lazy slobs out there.

We appreciate it. Count our blessings every day. We're very appreciative.

Yeah. ts really runnin' quiet. Some mechanic tuned it up right before the parade. A mechanic?

No, Homer! No! That's our only way home.

Oh, Dad! Oh. I blew it again.

Sold separately Sometimes I feel like I've been sold Separately But out of the box I find you poseable

All right, cow boy. I'll see you in "moo-nicipal" court. Good one, Chief. What? What'd I say? I can't believe how young he is.

- Mom... - Mom... Can you sign my..? Where's my lucky red cap..? I hate those pimento things... I split my pants again. Ooh! Can I have two sandwiches? I got a test today... I can't eat those... One a time! One at time! Double bologna! No pimentos!

Go! Wait a minute! This is Duff! Ya got me, didn't ya? All right. Here you go. Red Tick Beer. Hmm. Bold, refreshing... and something I can't quite put my finger on.

This was a great show, Krusty. You deserve an Emmy for this. Forget it. The Academy hates me. I don't know why. Bunch of old, know-nothing dinosaurs... wouldn't know entertainment if it bit 'em in the-- Hey, hey!

I said, sit ! Um, take a walk. Sniff that other dog's butt.

Whoa! No! Yee-haw! Score one for the bad guys. Hey, Lisa. Aw, Jesse, they locked you up again. Yeah, but I'm still fighting for the earth.

sphygmomanometer, and it's even got turn signals. - Wow, neat! - Uh-oh! Hey, Simpson, wanna trade belts? Well, not really, 'cause yours is just a piece of extension cord. Hey, dude, he's raggin' on your cord. Get him!

When she's ten feet tall Anything to declare?

Ladies and gentlemen, it's Up Late With McBain. i'm your announcer, obergruppenfuehrer Wolfcastle. And here's McBain!

Why, I don't think I've ever seen such generosity. You're a modern day Kriss Kringle, sir. I'm just trying to dig myself out of a pit of shame. Say no more. I've had a bit of a shoe-sniffing problem myself. I'm still not allowed on the third floor.

How's it hangin', Marge? Yuck! I'm baking like a meat loaf under this wet wool. Uh, may I take your coat, Aunt Selma? Um, I would also like to take your coat.

Hi, Dad. Hi, son! How are you-- Ew! Dad, look. I made fish sticks. They're burned on the outside, but they're frozen on the inside, so it balances out. Yeah, good. That raccoon stole my lamb chop!

Oh, it's been a month. Why won't anything grow? Maybe it needs more fertilizer. I'm only one man, Marge. Well, it's probably just a bad growing season. Hot diggety! It's up to her eye! - Time to harvest, boys! - Whoo! Nice work, Petunia. 'Ere you go.

You ain't goin' nowhere! You leave those boys alone! Hey, they's throwin' robots! They are throwing robots.

Ooh, man. He's here. The dude with the fireproof stomach. Spoon. They say he carved it himself from a bigger spoon.

Here, Puff! Here, Puff! The last bar in Springfield. If they don't let me in here, I'm gonna have to quit drinking. Yea! Shut up, liver! Ow! My liver hurts.

Help. The human's about to escape. Get your paws off me, you dirty ape! He can talk! He can talk. He can talk. He can talk! He can talk! He can talk! He can talk! I can sing

"Bart will give back the Malibu Stacy head you thought was lost." Oh, Bart, that's really sweet.

Tell me, young man. What do you want out of life? I want peas. We all want peace! But it's always just out of reach. Oh! Uh-huh. So, what's the best way to get peace? With a knife! Exactly!

This is not good. Aw, nuts.

It's a high-protein feed for farm animals, insulation for low-income housing, a powerful explosive and a top-notch engine coolant. And best of all, it's made from 100% recycled animals. I think I'm gonna be sick. Oh, a spoonful of slurry will cure what ails ya.

Moe... Moe, Moe... Moe.... Moe, Moe... Hey, Homer. Hey, Homer. Hey, Homer. Hey, Homer. Hey, Homer. Hey, Homer. Hey, Homer. Hey, Homer. Hey, Homer. Aaaaahh!

I'm really sorry about what I did, Alison. - It's no shame being second to you. - Thank you, Lisa. You know, I'm actually kind of glad I lost. Now I know losing isn't the end of the world. Hey, you still think we can be friends?

Super. Now if you'll gather around, I'd like to say a few words. All nerds clear the launch area! Let's wait in the car. Now all we need is our astronaut. Bart, where's America's newest hero? He's saying good-bye to his wife.

Me! Me! ¡AquÍ! Aqui! I do! I do! Wait. No, I don't. Hmm. A Ford urinating on a Chevrolet. - Don't you usually laugh at everything? - Yes. Yes, I do.

They'd been given rifles, but no ammunition. Dad, look! Television! Teacher! Mother! Secret lover. Urge to kill fading. Fading. Fading. Rising! Fading. Fading. Gone.

What? How dare you disturb me during nap time? We're from the Nuclear Regulatory Commission.

Remember, my dog up and died. Thank you.

That's good. No. Let it out. That's it. Let it out. Send me to Maude. That's it. Here I come, baby. Oh, yeah! Bart, honey, I think you should go play with Rod and Todd. Oh, man. Why does everything bad have to happen to me?

I say we bring her... the Olympic Games!

That's what passes for entertainment these days? Woozle wozzle? Ladies and gentlemen, the Clown Show... has been put on hiatus for retooling.

Mom! Dad! Don't turn on the light! Don't turn on the light! There's a U.F.O. outside my window-- seriously. Oh, Bart. It's just an old golf umbrella stuck in a tree. C-Can I sleep in there with you guys tonight? No. Can I sit on the roof with a baseball bat, in case a U.F.O. does come?

You have to take life. You have to grab it by its little bunny ears and get in its face! God! Look at you losers. I can read your minds. “Ooh. Ooh. I'm afraid of success." "ts pizza's fault I'm fat." "Oh, I'll stop sucking... later." Come here. Give me your hand. ts okay.

i should send a list of these names to the I.R.S.! i'm taking them all down! Oh, look at all the rich people! Oh, look at that rich--

Very good. You have passport, husband...

- Stop objectifying my mom! - I will in a second. Whoo! Hey, baby! You’re an object! Ah-ha-hal Help! Help! Who will save this promising young honors student? Hey-hey-hey! I'll save the day! Hey, it's that clown who hates children.

Oh, sexy drinks, adult board games. I'm glad I sent the kids to Grampa's to protect their innocent minds. And here's some more Germans we killed. That flamethrower really toasted their waffles. BOTH: Ugh!

Simpson! Aah! I've just reviewed your 10-year performance record, and it's appalling. But I'm not Homer Simpson. I think I know who Homer Simpson is. In 10 short years you've caused 17 meltdowns. One is too many.

Whoa! Whoa! Ow! Hey, I was watching that. And I was sittin' there. Rex Banner. I'm running this department now. Wiggum, you're out, suspended indefinitely! Huh? Tuck in that shirt! Get those shoes shined!

Telemundo... Me... Turned it down... ABC... Banned from the set... Lame... Lame... Regis... (GROANS)

Homoeroticism in... Oddball Canadian Rules... Phyllis George in... Oh, doctor, what a finish! The final score-- Atlanta 17, Houston 13. The lowly Falcons are flying high.

Bart. Bart! Hey, Bart.

Brad Goodman is coming to town! Oh, Marge, you and I are fine now. Who needs Brad Goodman? Yee-haw! Yahoo! Well, here we are at the Brad Goodman lecture.

Hot dogs Armour hot dogs Sing it like you mean it!

The term "soccer mom" is thrown around all too often these days. But the nominees in our next category-- Where are we going? Uh, for frosty chocolate milk shakes! Frosty chocolate milk shakes!

Don't they deserve better?

I want one and all to join me in celebrating... the anniversary of my portentous birth! Here you are, Nelson. A birthday party? Here you are, Nelson! Here you are, Nelson! I said--

while one of its citizens is stuck here like this. But, Mr. Ambassador, how are we going to get home? Beats me. Try getting a job and earning some money. That's what I did. By the way, "ambassador" is taken.

Say, I wonder if this Homer Nixon is any relation? Unlikely, sir. They-- They spell and pronounce their name differently. Bah! Schedule a game and I'll ask him myself.

I don't understand a word he's saying. Why doesn't he just let me bat? I wish I was home with a big bag of potato chips. Mmm... potato chips.

Maybe it's the TV. Stupid TV. Be more funny! Well, sir, I think it is time to turn this pledge drive... over to Troy McClure. I can't keep up this pace forever.

Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Look at all those beautiful shoes.

One squeaking-spring symphony coming up. Wow! Homer, that was amazing.

(LISA READING) What? Really? Yep. Pick up another one. But it's not my turn. I'm trying to do something nice, you dink. Pick up a card. "Bart will defend you when other kids call you a nerd." No one calls me a nerd. Trust me, that is a valuable card. Pick up another.

Tonight on Eye on Springfield, opening day at the world's first two-story Outhouse. Oh, God! Stop!

Sold! But I must warn you, this device carries a frighteningly high risk of catastrophic-- I said I'll take it.

Really? You think I should get it washed? Yeah, maybe. You listen to your friends, but you never listen to me. Hey, that's great. All right, young 'uns, bath time. Cover up your eyes and drop your britches. Who wants wax?

Clancy, use the remote. Oh, yeah. Oh! Can we talk about Chief Wiggum? We had fame and fortune. Now all we needed was the approval of record company lowlifes.

And to think, Smithers, you laughed when I bought Ticketmaster. "Nobody's going to pay a hundred-percent service charge." Well, it's a policy that ensures a healthy mix of the rich and the ignorant, sir. Do you feel like we do, Springfield?

Wow! Adding machines. Industrial waste. What should we do with all this stuff, Bart? I think we both know the answer to that.

As for the school, we are exploring various options to raise the $200,000 we need. I've got a motor home I never use. Maybe we should raffle it off. Maybe you should shut up. Well, I-- Okay. We could try selling liquor. Uh, I'm doing great. Please, sir. Put some shoes on. What? You don't like my bags?

Dayton, Ohio! (BOTH GROANING) It's got Wright-Patterson Air Force Base and a zipper museum!

Run, Dad! Okay! We'll be safe in here. That was too close. Maybe it's time to quit the game. Amateurs! Huh? Dad? That's right. You don't smoke a pipe. That's right.

I thought we played this stupid game to get away from the women. With the yack-yack-yack and the spend-spend-spend, am I right? ALL: Boo! Hey, clown. Watch out for this lady driver. Huh? (GRUNTS) (THUDDING) Are you all right? Never better.

- Hey, hey! - What's that? Krusty here to cheer you up... as part of the hospital's Last Laugh program. Last laugh? So, how about that hospital food, huh?

Um, tell me, how you feeling today? Homer... Simpson. Homer. D'oh, Simpson. Hmm, that seems to be all you can say. When you were in that coma, did you feel your brain getting damaged? The police have such a strong case against Homer.

I don't know. It's your fantasy. Hi, Abe. Hello, Bart. Ow! Ow! Well, children, our new ultra-hard Posturific chairs have arrived. They've been designed by eminent posturologists...

All right! They're gonna show his disastrous marriage to Mia Farrow. Chan Ho, your mother Mia and I are getting a divorce. Chan Ho is over there. I am Chin Ho. Whoever you are. just pass it along, kid.

Oh, these look good-- "Guilt-Free Steak-fish Fillets." Let me level with you, Marge. That's just our name for bottom-feeding suction eel. You don't want that. Why don't you try Moe's Hobo Chicken Chili. I start with the best part-- the neck. And then I add secret hobo spices. Ooh! TrÈs bien!

I dreamed about her again last night, Smithers. You know that dream where you're in bed, and they fly in through the window?

you said I was too ugly to play Dr. Tad Winslow. I did? Well, that's why pencils have erasers, hon. You're our new Dr. Tad Winslow. Really? You mean it? But there can't be two Dr. Tad Winslows! That's going to-- Oh.

You call this a soccer riot? Come on, boys. Let's take 'em to school! Oi! Oi! Oi!

Oh! This gun cost me everything-- my wife, my kids. Everything but my precious, precious gun.

A counterfeit jeans ring operating out of my car hole! I'm gonna tell everyone. Wait here.

Remain calm. There is a dog in the vents. Willie, go into the vent and get him!

D'oh! Hmm? So what will it be, Mr. Simpson? Your usual bucket of ice cream covered with miniature pies? Uh, don't you have anything healthy here?

I always get those two mixed up.

Give me five minutes alone with her. NO, Bart. No one's making her. Lisa has to decide for herself. All the years I've lobbied to be treated like an adult have blown up in my face. Hey! When I ordered that blueberry Squishy I meant today.

And we have a little saying around here-- "Let Michigan handle it." Stop that! If you want some food, I'll be happy to make you some breakfast.

You'd better run, egg. Why don't people like me, Marge?

Don't crack wise with me, tubby. Tubby? Oh, yes, tubby. Hey, Banner, how's it hangin'? None of your business. What on earth happened down there?

Don't worry. There's plenty for all of you. Now who's laughing? Huh? Huh? (LAUGHING) Me. I'm laughing. (LAUGHS)

The only just solution is to cut the baby in half. (PIERCING FLESH) Wait a minute. I've killed a baby. I'm a monster. (GROWLS) I can't take anymore.

It's so exciting to do something cultural together. Matt Groening? What's he doing in a museum? He can barely draw! Ow! Oh, no! I'm being erased! Move it, bub! We got an installation to "installate." Ooh! A Claes Oldenburg.

Mmm. Way to go, Dad. You actually outwitted someone. Ah, I guess your old man is smarter than you thought.

All these beautiful people make us feel like losers. You'd be having a great time if you'd stayed in your dark spot. Oh, so you're ashamed of us. Well, you've turned into a big phony! Hey! Nobody calls Moe St. Cool a phony! All this yelling is taking away my horny. Is it? Oh, that's it. Dagmar, Julian.

See? Now that's the kind of dog you should be. Mailman! "Grow a mustache," says the wife. "You'll look handsome," says the wife.

All right. No Bible stories for you tonight.

Perfect. Wait a minute. What about Sunday ? Yeah. What about Sunday ?

Oh, I'd have to ask my mom. You can ask her right now. She's glaring at us from the front lawn. Marge, it's my fault we're a little late. How dare you show my daughter a life of fun and possibility?

Homer worries Bart is gay Poochie, U2, NRA Hippies, Vegas and Japan Octuplets and Bart's boy band Marge murmurs, Maude croaks Lisa Buddhist, Homer tokes Maggie blows Burns away What else do I have to say They'll never stop The Simpsons Have no fears We've got stories for years

Sounding good, Lise.

Hub-bub-bub-bub-bub. Don't look! Dad, what did you do? Sweetie, your daddy's gonna show you just how much he loves you. You know that non-functioning nuclear reactor you built? Yes... I juiced it up a little. (GIGGLES) Dad, that could explode! Oh, that's ridiculous.

TV's there, bathroom's there, and there's your king-sized bed for-- Hubba-hubba.

Oh, no! The candy conventioneers tracked us down!

Arnie, Arnie, how are the children? I can't see through metal, Kent! All right, Fatty. Out of the pipe!

the Blue Angels!

What did you just see, Lisa? I know, but--

Now get out of here before I reconsider. Oh. Better hurry up. Homer. Are you still awake ? - I've never been more awake in my life. - What's wrong ? Are you kidding ? I'm stuck in that dead-end job again,

Hold on, Bart. Everything's gonna be just fine. I'm gonna get you to a doctor. He will fix you up, and by this time tomorrow, we'll all be a happy family. Happy, happy, happy family! Maggie!

Well, is he the dog or isn't he? Yeah. That's him, all right. Sorry, boy. I didn't plan this. It just sort of happened.

Please pull up to the service window, please. The wagon's too tall. Oh, I don't wanna have to get out. I'll just drive up on the curb. Blughh. Almost got it. Drop the food, Chief!

Where to start? Sheila parked in my space again. That Sheila-- She's given you problems before, hasn't she?

Well, Homer, there seems to be a lot of good obedience schools here. Oh, school, right. Yeah, that's your answer for everything.

(GROANING) Man, that hurt. Now to do the exact same thing again. (GROANING) Maybe you should turn off the power. All right. (GRUNTING) Don't demolish along the way.

What the hell are you talkin' about? You're the one who double-dared us. Why, you little--- Ooh.

Wait a minute! You didn't learn how World War ii ended. We won! Yea! U.S.A.!

Ah, you know what? Cram some shrimp in too. Head to tail. That way you can fit more.

What did he do to this thing? Almost. Oh, I like it like that, baby Groove me, baby

We've uncovered a hard-core cracker house. There's enough Chinese sky candy here... to put you boys away for a long time. I can't go to juvie. They use guys like me as currency! Yeah. They'll pass you around like-- Well, like currency, like you said. Maybe we can make you boys a deal.

I can see my house!

Oh, hammer. ...Fight, fight, fight fight, fight, fight The Itchy & Scratchy Show

Tomorrow we'll be Mr. and Mrs. Bob Terwilliger. Isn't it grand? Hey, Bob, give some of that honey this way. Mmm... mmm! Holy frijoles! We've got ten minutes till MacGyver. Driver, here's Fin. Get me home, and don't spare the whip. Whatever you say, mum.

What's the big deal about a rock that looks like a dude? I've got a dad that looks like a monkey. Bart, you promised you'd stop making that comparison! Per our agreement!

is really a man. Boo! I mean, man, is that a good movie. Yea! And last Christmas, Marge made us gingerbread men. And there was a hair in one. Well, I'll let you in on a little secret about Marge Simpson. She's got webbed toes.

Ho. So, uh, Mr. New Guy, what do you think? Is everything hunky-dory there? Mr. Szyslak, your tavern is rife with health code violations. You gotta be kidding me. Like what? Well, for starters, the body of my predecessor is still on the floor. Oh, yeah. Uh, well, you see, trash day ain't till Wednesday, so...

and a woman with a bizarre hairstyle-- I'm sure worn only for shock value. And yet, they've managed to raise an emotionally healthy son. That's fantastic. Oh, thank you. We can all learn a lot from this young man here. This-This-- Rudiger.

You broke nothing.

Me! Me! ¡AquÍ! Aqui! I do! I do! Wait. No, I don't. Hmm. A Ford urinating on a Chevrolet. - Don't you usually laugh at everything? - Yes. Yes, I do.

Glad to "rake" your acquaintance.

Yeah, so last night, I was closing up the bar... when some young punk comes in and tries to stick me up. Whatever did you do, Moe? Well, it could've been a real ugly situation, but I managed to shoot him in the spine. Yeah, I guess the next place he robs better have a ramp.

Well, see ya. Mmm. Hey, wait!

Go on, Hyman, you're exaggerating again. A rabbi never exaggerates. A rabbi composes, he creates thoughts he tells stories that may never have happened but he does not exaggerate. My father would have never suspected a thing were it not for one, rowdy rabbi.

Anybody home ? Hi, Daddy. Welcome back, Dad. How's your mom ? Still kind of ticked off. Yeah, Good luck, man.

Willie, must you do that now? Ach! You want streaks? 'Cause if you interrupt me, that's what you'll get! Oh.

the people of Springfield ever embarked upon, except for the Popsicle stick skyscraper... and the 50-foot magnifying glass... and that escalator to nowhere. Whoa! Aah!

I can't promise you victory. I can't promise you good times. But the one thing I do know-- Whoa, whoa ! All right ! Okay ! I promise you victory ! I promise you good times !

No, you didn't. Don't tell me I didn't. That's my lucky belt! Long story. Good one. Folks, you have three weeks left on a nonrefundable weight-loss treatment. So if anybody else in the family wants to use it, use it now. But who else needs to lose weight? Maggie? Grampa? My seldom seen half-brother, Herb?

Thanks, Dad. Dad. That still sounds weird to me. But I'm glad we're friends again. And you've lined the case with money. Huh? Small bills, unmarked and nonsequential. Holy samolians! There must be five grand in there!

I've been thinking, Homer, and you know what bothers me the most about this whole thing ? You taught Bart a very bad lesson. Your boy idolizes you. Oh, he does not. Yes, he does, Homer.

From the "Z" to the "O" to the double "R"-"O" He's the dude in a mask from the barrio With his horse and his mask and his big ol' sword He'll cut your butt from a '52 Ford Oh, move it, Q-tip! Ha!

Otto, why don't you get some more gas? Here's the credit card. Ooh. And a mint for afterwards. Five dollars a child?

It's on the house. Ah, that takes me back to the '60s. What's that weird key for? That's Daddy's magic key. It opens every door in town.

The thing about huckleberries is... once you've had fresh, you'll never go back to canned. Uh-- Uh-- So anyway, I kicked the guy's ass. Now, if the berries are too tart, I just dust 'em with confectioner's sugar.

Watch out, Beatles. Now, l have one more important announcement to share with you. Would Lisa Simpson join me on stage? Huh?

to place it on the ballot for next Tuesday's election. We gotta get out and stop that initiative! Marge, I'm gonna need 10,000 veggie burritos. No guac in mine. Good night, Homer. Dude, your mom is hot. Don't encroach on our roach! Got to run like an animal out of control

Why don't you have the colonel's wife save you? Oh, Marge, that's in the past. just let it go. Sir! I say, sir! The hour is upon us, sir! Hello. My husband will be right with you. We're just taking this old Christmas tree to the dump.

Let's get out of here, Thelma. Okay, Louise.

Hey, Carl? Isotopes! We aRe the champions we are the champions

I've never been so sure of anything in my life. I am going to win this lottery. Homer, the odds are 380 million to one. Correction: 380 million to 50! What will you do with your share, kids? Bank it.

I just couldn't cut it today. All I wanted was a little version of me... that I could hold in my arms. Oh, jub jub. When I went to pick him up, Mom was trying to stab him with a hat pin.

This man does not represent us. All right, boys, set your nightsticks on whomp.

There, I said it!

Not so fast, Simpson. The man who plays your position is here. Hit the pine.

Lisa, shut your eyes. Soon you will be at peace. Hey, quit it, Bart. Quit it. Quit it! Quit it! Quit it! Mom!! Don't use the Touch of Death on your sister. They fought and fit

All rise for the Honorable Judge Constance Harm. Uh-oh.

Wow, Mom, you didn't have to go to this much trouble. It was no trouble. The hoboes at the dump were very helpful. Except one man, who seemed to have mental problems. Good morning. It's class photo day. No Dracula fangs. But they told us to wear 'em. No, they didn't. Huh?

Right now Superintendent Chalmers... is at home crying like a little girl. I guess it is a little funny. Nonetheless, I will find the culprit. We'll start with-- oh, I don't know-- Bart Simpson!

Come on, come on! I need some gossip here! Where is everybody? Does this town shut down at 5:00? - Frankie, it's me, Killer. - Huh? I just busted out of prison and the cops are after me. Oh, talk to me, baby. Okay, I think I lost 'em. Uh-oh. A cow.

I heartily endorse this event or product.

This is Papa Bear. Put out an A.P.B. for a male suspect... driving a... car of some sort,

At least let me have that. You can start with the corns. Then you can move on to bunion country.

Sorry I betrayed your trust, Principal "Sucker."

Oh, it's beautiful! Oh! Oh, let's put Bart's beautiful drawing up on the fridge.

Of course, what Matt meant to say,

Oh, no! Bette Midler!

You blew it up! Damn you! Damn you all to hell! Thank you. I'm afraid that's all we have time for.

Ow! Ow! I'll reap! I'll reap already! (IN SPOOKY TONE) Jasper, your time has come! Where's the regular guy? Where's Doug? Never mind. I'm Death now. (EXCLAIMS IN DISAPPOINTMENT) I liked Doug. (GAGS)

If there's a species of animal that's causing you problems, nosing around your camera, we'll have it wiped out! Look, we just want to make movies, not kill things. Right. We understand. Students, I have an announcement. One of your favorite comic book heroes, "Radio Man"-- Radioactive Man, stupid!

Why, oh, why Delilah It's 11 K-BBL degrees below zero. I hope you're someplace warm. You bet your sweet... ass!

(BEETHOVEN'S FIFTH SYMPHONY PLAYING) (WHISTLES) (MUTTERING INCOHERENTLY)

Oh, say can you rock

He tried to kill our puppies. He sexually harassed me. He stole my fiancÉe. He made fun of my weight. Okay, so there's been a little friction. Know his address? Whoa! This guy's got more bread than a prison meat loaf.

And the winner is... Itchy and Scratchy, Abraham Simpson-- rise. All right, Grampa! That was the first time I ever saw Itchy and Scratchy, and I didn't like it one bit!

Eh, good night.

Look ! It's him ! It's Bigfoot !

The Renaissance. This is better. Let's book 'em and roll. And that's the end of that chapter. You men saved my bank. I'd like to donate $40 to charity in your honor. But, uh, I don't know your names. Lance Kaufman. Simpson. Detective Homer Simpson.

Like getting Washington's birthday... and Lincoln's birthday back As separate paid holidays. Presidents' Day. What a ripoff. I bust my butt day in and day out-- You're late for work, Homer. So ? Somebody'll punch in for me. Try not to spill anything, Dad. Keep those mutants coming, Homer. I'll mutant you.

You're Snowball V. But to save money on a new dish, we'll just call you Snowball II and pretend this whole thing never happened. That's really a cheat, isn't it? I guess you're right, Principal Tamzarian. I'll just be moving along, Lisa,

I can't see! I'll have to steer by the reflection in my watch! (TIRES SCREECHING) Oh! Why don't I just pull over? MAN: Hey! Can't stop. Krusty collectible toy jammed under brake pedal! Hey-hey! Hey-hey! Hey-hey!

"Maison Derriere"? I can't believe there's a place like that in our wholesome little town. Homer, did you know it was a burlesque house when you sent Bart to work there? No, I only learned that four days ago.

Mr. Burns, I'll be honest. We had a hidden agenda tonight. No. The holiday season is approaching, and these children need a school. Charity, eh? Yes. I'd be more than happy to-- Oh, it's doing that thing again.

And with 500 yards to go, the runners from Australia and Djibouti are neck and neck. Two weary warriors now burning with pain and exhaustion. But only one will win the grand prize: a walking tour of Springfield.

Isn't that a little big? You can just nurse it! (SLURPS) Nurse it. Nurse it. Have you ever walked on stilts? It's not that great. Yes. And you've said that several times now.

Marge, it's 3:00 a.m., and I worked all day.

I'd be terribly embarrassed if I were that boy's mother. Attention, Marge Simpson. We've also arrested your older, balder, fatter son.

Thank you. Come again. He put the lard pone on top of the egg pone. Dang! Double dang! Aw, donkey butter!

All right. I hear the mayor's arriving for the ribbon cutting. It is with great pride that I dedicate this new school, sports arena or attraction.

Here we-- I'll just-- Hey! Get away from my car!

a big cash settlement.

That a boy, Homer. You can do it. All right, Simpson. Let's go over the signals. - If I tug the bill of my cap like so - Yeah. - it means the signal is a fake. - Uh-huh. - I can take that off by dusting my hands thusly. - Got it. If I want you to bunt, I'll touch my belt buckle not once, not twice, but thrice.

Mom, Dad. Thank God you're okay. We were in the greenroom. I had so much shrimp. Well, I'm glad everyone's all right. But I think you should be ashamed. Toying with a human life for TV ratings. Uh, Homer, my face is up here.

Take off and have a frank and productive holiday. Oh, dear God! Principal Skinner! We're snowed in! We're trapped in the school! We're gonna miss Christmas! I fixed the DVD.

Well, hold the phone, Dora. A new challenger has emerged out of nowhere. He's running on sheer pluck, moxie and grit. All of which he'll be tested for after the race. Hey, I "winna" the race! Viva Italia! Folks, our winner seems to be from Italy. I love-a you all.

Oh, we've got a winning hand! We can take the rest of the tricks. Oh, you'd better be careful. The purpose of this game is to make friends. You don't make friends by winning. Still, there's nothing more popular than a gracious winner. Don't ask me. I'm just hair. Your head stopped 18 inches ago.

No, "Long" is better. Are you really gonna drink that? Well, maybe a sip. I don't want to offend our mentalist. If she doesn't like it, I'll just die! Mmm.

Pick me! Pick me! Now, when you move any part of your body, our furry friend will copy you exactly. Hmm. Hmm! I'm a little teapot short and stout Here is my handle Here is my spout

So Maggie's not a genius? She could be at sweeping up hair. (CHUCKLES) That's my baby, jerk!

You did the best you could. I love animals. I spend my life saving them, and they can't thank me. The parrots can, but-- Let's see what's wrong with this little fellow.

He said it was just a name! What he meant is that Monster Island is actually a peninsula. Do you have my teeth? No.

Oh, oh. Thanks, boy. I love you, Dad. I love you, son. Aaaaaaaaahhh!

I wager 400 quatloos on the newcomer.

See the twisted creatures that dwell within. Meet Cue Ball, the man with no hair! Huh? He's hideous! We have to do something. Marge, it'll cost $8,500.

When are you going to wake up and smell your husband, Marge? Granted, you got some kids out of him. But when the seeds have been planted, you throw away the envelope. I wish you wouldn't put Homer down like that. He may not be a big success like you, but I can always count on him to provide for the family. Oh. Sweet, trusting Marge.

He screwed up, but he deserves another chance. Yeah. Everyone makes mistakes. I mean, we'd want another chance if one of us ever made a bad film, right?

Well, how did this happen? Oh, that. You've had that for a while.

SQUEAKY-VOICED BRITISH TEEN: Welcome to Judi Dench's Fish & Chips. Now completely free of "Mad Fish Disease." Fish? I don't know. I'm not really a vegetarian. Please order or Miss Dench'll be furious. She'll beat us, she will.

If that's what they cut out, what they leave in... must be pure gold! Let's watch some more of those fabulous Simpsons outtakes. Apu living with the Simpsons? It happened. And here's a scene you didn't see. I'm hoping you enjoy this movie.

First, I'm gonna cut overhead by freeing Otis, the lovable town drunk.

The man you trusted isn't Wavy Gravy at all. And all this time, I've been smoking harmless tobacco.

Hello. "Simpson."

Marge, my darling, I want you to meet with me again, That doesn't shock me. away from prying eyes, away from the Helens of the world, at my apartment-- the Fiesta Terrace.

Tuck in that shirt. Shine those shoes, mister. Oh, for the love of-- Uh, a seagull took my sailor hat. All right, Simpson. I don't like you, and you don't like me.

And yet, they've managed to raise an emotionally healthy son. That's fantastic. Oh, thank you.

I don't think it had broken axles before. Before! Before! You're livin' in the past, Marge. Quit livin' in the past. That's funny. I used to be able to go down there. Going bowling. Not back, avenge deaths. Why do you have so many bowling balls?

I'll be back in a minute. I'm... going outside... to... stalk... Lenny and Carl. D'oh!

I used to be a fat, disgusting slob. That medicine seems to be givin' your son a lot of gas. I assure you his belching is the result of an unrelated alcohol problem.

I need help, Mom. There's another girl at school who's smarter, younger and a better sax player than me. Ugh. I feel so average. You'll always be number one to me. Hello! Firstborn within earshot.

and get some old lady to leave me all her money. I'm gonna ask people if they know their servants' last names. Or, in the case of butlers, their first. No, no, no! Not tonight! No vulgarity, no mischief, no politics. just be good!

Evil, schmevil, Marge. Monty can provide for me. Besides, he's a great kisser. Ew! Yuck!

For reasons beyond my control, I will soon become vapid, sluggish and slow-witted.

That I'm not a kid anymore. That's harsh. I knew I was an adult the day the judge said, "We're trying you as an adult." Well, there's one thing no one can take away, my childlike imagination. Sergeant Activity, your mission is to scale the icy walls of Mount Bloodkill.

Spare no one. Remember, just 'cause their heads are off, it don't mean they're dead. Now I can return to Ithaca and my sweet wife, Penelope.

Time to open the envelope I gave you.

I don't know. Well, this time you must be punished! Well, you could punish me, but-- No tricks, boy. I said I'm gonna punish you. And come hell or high water, I-- Wait a minute! Ice cream truck!

But-- Don't talk. Listen. The social order of elementary school is densely layered. The coolest kids are at the top-- Oh, you mean the "A" students? Mom, I don't want to play with Ralph. He's just a misunderstood little boy who needs a friend. And if he hangs around with you,

You’d think so, but no. They look like you. They were rude to Patty and Selma. And the horde has been described as very gassy. Yeah. ts a good group.

Oh, no? Well, if Homer Simpson wants his 10-year-old son working in a burlesque house, then Homer Simpson's 10-year-old son is going to work in a burlesque house! That's the-- Hi! Now, Marge, you're gonna hear a lot of crazy talk about Bart working in a burlesque house.

One, two, tie your shoe Three, four, pick up the floor Five, six... (SCREAMING)

That shouldn't be.

We gotta get the dogs out of there! Because he was singing we Overheard his plan and Could save those dogs from that mean old man it still wasn't worth burns's song and dance I'm back, sO resume wettIng your pants Okay.

Is that a good siren ? Am I approved ? You ever known a siren to be good ? No, Mr. Simpson, it's not. It's a bad siren. That's the computer in case I went blind, telling me, "Sell the vehicle to this fella, and you're out of business." That's what the siren says.

Naturally, we can't see your comet in broad daylight and without a telescope. But you don't need a stupid telescope. It's right there. Oh, no, no, no, no! This isn't right at all!

I'll just have a cup of coffee. Beer it is. No, I said coffee.

Uh, hi. My-My name is Larry. I'm here to see Mr. Burns. Well, I hate to break it to you, Larry, but if Mr. Burns ever wants to see a stranger, he will observe him through a powerful telescope. Now, if you-- Smithers, what's going on? How dare you interrupt my lime rickey? State your business.

Huh? Whoo-hoo! Pedal to the metal! My baby! Your baby!

Probably a scar too. Mrs. Simpson, Bart tells me he injured himself training for a career in death defiance ? Yes. Well, we saw a daredevil last night. And, well, you know, monkey see, monkey do. Hmm, I think I know something that might discourage him from this sort of behavior. Bart, in this ward are the children who have been hurt...

Make us proud, Son. Never forget who you are. Don't make the same mistake I did. Oh, forgive me, Mother. Father, I've failed you.

Oh, Marge, it was horrible! We were trapped in the house all afternoon. And, well, we had to drink toilet water. Well, things were bad everywhere. I'm sick of these constant bear attacks.

Hello? Anyone home? Marge? Maggie? Ahhh! (READING TITLES)

"Hello. My name is Number One." And so forth. We call each other by number, not by name. Carl is Number 14. I'm Number 12. Burnsie is Number 29. You outrank Mr. Burns here? Sure. Watch. Hey, 29, get over here.

Hey! Mom, Bart's throwing peas! Bart, don't throw peas at your sister. Mr. Burns throws peas at Smithers.

I'll twist this bottle in your face Aaah! Hallelujah! I've done it again! Ned, you're supposed to overpower her. I'm trying. I'm trying.

And since I'd achieved... all my goals as president in one term, there was no need for a second. The end.

And the school nurse says Bart has the plague. It's like the measles. Good to get it out of the way.

Oh, no, Mrs. Krabappel. If I don't get a "C" average, my dad won't let me go to Kamp Krusty. Well, it isn't fair to the other children, but all right. Much obliged, doll! Oh, Bart Simpson, I'm gonna miss you.

And you keep saying we need to do things together. Hmm. Mmm! This could really spice up those pies I've been making. What the dickens? Eve, did you taste of the forbidden fruit?

Actually, it wasn't me. It was my dad, Grampa. Thanks, Son. So you see, old people aren't so useless after all. Malloy's old, and he outsmarted the lot of you. And I'm even older, and I outsmarted him! Shut up. I've had my moment.

Oh, my ass! Always on God's floor. Hang on, Homie! I'm gonna try to set her down! Thank you. Wow! A lot of people have pools. Honey, my shoulders are separating!

First we have Mark Spitz. Who's Mark Spitz? What's a telegram? Aw, forget it! I gotta get to the hot wings before the Comic Book Guy. "You know, Lisa, they say father knows best."

Don't worry. She'll punch herself out. Suck fist, Dr. Dork! Someone's gonna sleep well tonight. What a cutie. Look at her pound that nerd.

Oh, I get it. Blame the strangler! (SCOFFING) (SCOFFS) Just because you've done time at juvie,

Today's readings come from Matthew, Mark, Luke and John. Well, maybe just Matthew and Mark. Amen.

The sun was shining. I was driving to the orphanage to pass out toys. Suddenly, that incorrigible Simpson boy darted in front of me. Oh, please, don't let me hurt him ! Oh, my goodness ! Look what's happened !

on the run from the law please spare my children and their damp-trousered pa A singing family it's worse than I feared For hostage purposes you're just too weird bye.

Yeah, maybe I do have the right-- What's that stuff? Anyway, thanks, Marge, Lisa. Bart, do you have something nice to say to your father? Nah, he knows how I feel.

- I love you, Krusty. - Quiet!

I'm just relieved that Homer's safe and that you've recovered, and we can all get back to normal. Not exactly. Smithers, for attempting to kill me, I'm giving you a five percent pay cut. Ohh!

I really think I was born to teach. All right, Simpson. You were warned about teasing the box. Wait! I need closure on that anecdote.

(SCREAMING) (SCREAMS) (CLANKIING) What? Spider poison is people poison? (CRIES)

The story of how two brothers and five other men... parlayed a small business loan into a thriving paper goods concern... is a long and interesting one.

Grandma! Oh, Bart. Are you still a little hell-raiser? Yes'm. Mom, you're back! Just like you were back before. Then you left me again. I love you so much! But it's so hard for me to trust you.

Good night, Homer. Dude, your mom is hot. Don't encroach on our roach! Got to run like an animal out of control Okay, okay. Hold on. Hold on.

Do I have to do this ? No. Even if your husband were here, I wouldn't recommend it. Marge, as a trained marriage counselor, this is the first instance where I've ever told one partner... that they were 100% right. It's all his fault, and I'm willing to put that in a certificate you can frame.

Eeyii! Good night, son.

They can't cut down that sequoia if one of us is living in it. - Any volunteers? - I'll do it. I am so there! Oh, me, me, me! Whoa. Hold on. Once you're up there, you can't come down-- Not for a Phish concert, not even for Burning Man.

Tennessee Ernie Ford? Now I know you're dead. No, you just think I'm dead. No, you're dead. I was your biggest fan. Look, I clipped your obituary.

Yo, I'm gonna cap a pop in your ass.

A coconut bagel? Like poison it tastes!

Now time for "Operation Judge-Get-Back-At." If that costume shop knew we were using these burglar outfits for real,

Come on, everybody. Let's go into Shelbyville... and get those kids back ourselves! I got an R.V. we can use-- Flanders's! Let's do it! Well, okay. But just go a little bit easy on it. Pile in, everybody! No time to wipe your feet!

Homie, please, don't go. Hey, this old girl's as sure-footed as a mountain goat.

Advice? - Just call me Ann Flanders. - Uh-huh. Oh, and another thing... Please! Homie, don't hurt him! And a backrub can just be a backrub. It doesn't have to lead to adult situations. Why would I rub her back unless I wanted to get some...

Uh, Mr. Burns I need to borrow money. Please, do go on. I know you're a good man and I have a dog that's very sick. Oh, please, continue. I thought maybe you-- Oh.

But I fell in love with Homer Simpson. I don't want to snuggle with Max Power.

You're here, aren't you?

But at least I'm sure of all the things we got

You're still in the way. You don't seem to be moving at all. Oh, for cryin' out loud, just knock her ass down. Way to shove, Edna. Let us roll. Guys, is it really true? Are you cold-blooded egg murderers? Don't use that look on me. I invented that look.

Let's do the fold-in. Okay. "What higher power do TV evangelists worship?" I'll say God. I'll say jesus. "The almighty dollar"? You fold it, you bought it.

And it still says "guilty." And "guilty" is spelled wrong!

Yeah. Think about it. Hello, work? This is Homer Simpson.

Ten dollars? What is this, a car wash for millionaires? Throw hot wax on him, Dad. Howdy, Homer. Five dollars, please. Hey, how did "Churchy LaFemme" get half price? Senior citizens' discount. "Senior citizen"? Flanders? Well, we'll see about that.

Another strike for the Chosen One! Whoo-hoo!

Ah, look at all them stars. Bunch of lazy lights. Don't do nothin' for nobody. Hey, you know what I'm looking forward to? The future. Have you heard about this Internet thing? Internet? Yeah. It's the inner netting they invented to line swim trunks. It provides a comforting snugness.

That does it. Children, get dressed. We're leaving. Come on, Marge. You said you'd sleep on it. I don't care what I said. This family has had its differences and we've squabbled, but we've never had knife fights before, and I blame this house.

Get out of Archie Bunker's chair now! Relax.

I don't see Lisa in any of the seminars. And I'm growing ashamed of my penis. (GASPS) Homer, look! I'm here at the long-dormant Springfield Volcano, which is now spewing noxious debris into the air.

Smithers, who is this beast that's shaking me? D'oh!

shoot hoops with Bart and girl it up with Lisa. Aw! Huh? Hmm? Oh, I gotta get rid ofthese guys. Now, before I abandon you in this cornfield...

Sorry, Homer. So you’re just gonna let me walk out of here sober. I'm afraid so. And you can live with that. Yuh-huh. Fine! There are plenty other ways for me to alter my consciousness. f Wind Whistling f

This is different. I mean, this man makes you feel like there's nobody better. Your father does that to me. Mom ! Are we gonna talk, or are we gonna talk ? Lisa, we can talk ! But first you have to accept... - that I feel that way about your father. - Fine. Yesterday, he read us Charlotte's Web... and cried at the end, never trying to hide his tears.

Don't you remember how bad your father made you feel when you played sports?

Wait a minute. I thought you didn't want to get married. That was before I missed her smell, her warmth, her beautiful, beautiful penmanship. Don't worry, Principal Skinner. Seymour. - Really? Boy, it sucks to be you. - Mmm.

Well, he's certainly got a loose waggle. Perhaps I've finally found a golfer worthy of a match with Monty Burns, eh? Oh, his waggle is no match for yours, sir. I've never seen you lose a game. Except for that one in '74 when you let Richard Nixon win. That was very kind of you, sir. Oh, he just looked so forlorn, Smithers, with his...

So, Krusty, what are you gonna do about your tax problem? Don't sweat it. The life of Rory B. Bellows is insured... for a surprisingly large amount.

Well, no kicking. It's too dangerous. Marge, chill out. I have great control. See? That's very impressive, but I still don't-- Stop that!

And now, to present the trophy... three-time soap box derby champion, Ronnie Beck.

The prostitute with a heart of gold.

A small puppy, not unlike Lassie, was just run over in the parking lot. Now it's time for the comedy stylings of Homer Simpson! Are you ready to laugh? Oh, that poor dog.

I'm gonna eat eight pieces of chocolate. I'm gonna eat chocolate till I barf. Don't worry, Bart. We'll find something fun for you to do. Here's a whole box of unsealed envelopes for the P.T.A.

Come on! Somebody crash! Be patient, Son. A watched car never crashes.

it was an evening none of them would ever forget. Or would they? No. Hello, Iowa! Does anyone have a doughnut? Now, Homer, this is no time to be thinking about food.

And that's why our final award honors a man... who's lived in Springfield for a hundred and eight years. Our oldest resident, Cornelius Chapman.

Grr. Aww, isn't that cute! And me without a camera.

What? That's your job! If he starts doing Lisa's wood chopping-- If he wants to make it up to you so badly, I think you should let him. Okay, okay. I'll let him. But then I get a Chipwich. Okay? It is an honor to begin repaying my debt to you. Back in Rahmatpur, I was considered quite the gourmet.

Guess i forgot to put the fog lights in i better pull over and play it safe.

Oh, honey, I wouldn't say "doomed." It's gonna be an adjustment, no question. But-- Ugh! Can you believe it, Kodos? They left us out of the Halloween show!

Dad, I'll spare you the embarrassment of admitting you don't know who Sideshow Bob is. Whew! Sideshow Bob used to be Krusty the Clown's sidekick. But in 1990, he framed Krusty for armed robbery, and Bart got him put in jail. - Uh-huh. - When he got out, he married Aunt Selma...

He chronicled the lives of the Roman emperors.

Not the elephants!

Bart, what's wrong with you?

"Resting" hungover, "resting" got fired? Help me out here. Ahhh, I'm just a big, toasty cinnamon bun. I never wanna leave this bed. Uh-oh. Gotta take a whiz. Think, man. Think.

(FANFARE PLAYS) Hmm? All hail the Queen! Now, as queen, you shall be entitled to eat the same French fries the teachers do. The ones made from potatoes? The very same.

Don't cry for me. I'm already dead.

I live in a single room above a bowling alley... and below another bowling alley. Wow. I'm sorry. Isn't that-- Yeah, that's me, all right. And the guy standing next to me is President Gerald Ford. And this is when I was on tour with the Smashing Pumpkins. Oh! And here's a picture of me in outer space.

If Barney's that important to you, you've gotta work it out. Old friends stick together, like O.J. and A.C., or the Falcon and the Snowman. Oh, why can't I have a nickname?

They changed Malibu Stacy! She is better than ever. Wait! Don't be fooled. She's just a regular Malibu Stacy with a stupid, cheap hat. She still embodies all the awful stereotypes she did before. But she's got a new hat.

Ahh! Smithers, I'm so happy. Something amazing has happened. I'm actually happy! Take a note: From now on I'm only going to be good and kind to everyone! I'm sorry, sir. I don't have a pencil. Ah, don't worry. I'm sure I'll remember it.

Whoa! Come on, kids. Let's try the lights.

Boxing, Lisa, boxing. There's a world of difference. Gee, Homer, are you sure this is the right thing to do ? Honey, I've given this matter a lot of study, and of all the commercials I saw, his was the best. All it costs is $250. We don't have that kind of money. Well, then, we're just going to have to dig deep.

has this town been so consumed with rumor and innuendo. All because of this man. Today, one Abraham "Grampa" Simpson... announced that he would give away over $100,000... to the person, or persons, he finds most deserving. Is Grampa Simpson a modern-day saint, a rich nut or both ?

Mom, I thought you might forget our conversation this afternoon so I took the precaution of recording it. What conversation? Mom, can Otto live in our garage? He sure can. Marge, what were you thinking?

Can you blame him ? No. No, I can't. There, there, Mr. Burns. Blow, sir. Hey, Bart, where are you going ? Uh, to my room. Why don't you watch Krusty the Clown ?

Oh, 286 pages? It's double-spaced. Woo-hoo! I'm halfway through! All right, "Chapter 1." Hmm. That makes sense. "There once was a girl from Nantucket." Good, good. "Her name was Temperance Barrows. "And her heart was heavy with feeling. "She..." (SNORING)

We've heard enough about Bliz-blaz and Him-ham already. Get to the bloody point! Do you, Charles Montgomery Burns, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife? I do. Oops. The ring, you little imbecile, before I really lose my temper.

You can't kick me out. It'll cause a miscount in the census. A miscount!

I'm sick of this horse slapping and cow taunting. I'm going to my room. Hold it right there. Mama Rattlesnake would be mighty sore if you scrambled her young'un. Luke Stetson, junior wrangler.

Woozle wozzle? What the-- That's what passes for entertainment these days? Woozle wozzle? Ladies and gentlemen, the Clown Show... has been put on hiatus for retooling.

Rant on, Simpson, but your vainglorious boasting... will only add savor to my inevitable triumph. Yes. Whoo-hoo! D'oh! Yes. You're in deep "d'oh" now.

Time for a booster.

The canary. Gas! Out of the hole! Gentlemen, this canary died of natural causes. Back in the hole!

They can't seriously expect us to swallow that tripe. Now as a special treat, courtesy of our friends at the meat council, please help yourselves to this tripe. Stop it! Stop it!

Double bologna! No pimentos! Don't forget to make it... Mom, where's my..? That's enough!

Gee, everyone looks so happy. Indeed, Marge. And, uh, now that I think of it, I wildly exceeded my authority, and I declare the sugar ban over. Can we, Mom? Can we? Please, please, please? Oh, all right. But take Maggie with you.

After all these years, things are finally starting to go my way. I feel like celebrating. I-- Oh, it's you. What are you so happy about?

Defense! Defense! Come on! You call that blowing?

Oh, no. Look at the line. Oh, there they are. Ah, it's the swindlers. The Simpsons. Ah, them stinkin' liars. Well, there goes Christmas dinner. Oh, head of the line. A family could get used to being shunned, huh? Huh?

Glad to "rake" your acquaintance. It was only a dream. Bart! Is that you? Yes! Take out the garbage.

They were just trying to drink your sweet, sweet eye juices. Mmm. Fascinating. Say, Doctor, can you do something about my searing pain? Well, there is medication. Although, it's a little controversial. Does it go in the butt? I'm talking about medicinal marijuana. Prescription pot. Texas T.H.C.

You only have 10 seconds to decide, sir.

Well... you're damned if you do, and you're damned if you don't. Well, I guess that would be a paradox too. Thank you, Bart. Whew !

Your toys are fun to touch. Mine are all sticky. Ralph, I just got through sorting those. I dropped my "Popsticle" in your toy chest.

Marge? Hey! Smithers,

Do you realize what this means?

Settle for Seymour

- Get 'em! - Uh-oh. Someone call 911! Oh, they never come. Thus ends the rule of law. Look at those looters breaking windows, setting fires! They're living my dream, and you won't let me join them! - Please, can I throw one little-- - No. What if I just burn down a--

- The time has come! - No! Oh, no.

Oh, my. War is terrible. Ahh! Buzz Cola, the taste you'll kill for. Available in "ze" lobby.

from this beef Wellington. Now, stay ! Stay, boy ! Stay ! Stay ! Stay ! Well, he'd be very happy at my farm. You know, people think only mules can pull carts.

And so let us leave on this heartwarming scene can I be A boozehound

Okay, skinny. On your feet. What's happening? Did I crush your corporation? No. You're being replaced.

Whoopee ding dong do! Thanks for trying, but I'll be at Moe’s. So my husband goes to a bar every night. Whoop-de-do. Who gives a bibble? Gabba gabba hey.

But you can always fall back on your degree in... Communications? Oh, dear Lord. I know. Is phony major. Lubchenko learn nothing. Nothing. Bart, do your thing.

These bloody things are everywhere. They're in the lift, in the lorry, in the bond wizard, and all over the malonga gilderchuck. They're like kangaroos, but they're reptiles, they is. We have them in America. They're called bullfrogs. What? That's an odd name! I'd have called them chazwazzers!

I'm taking your caricature down from Mount Lushmore, and I'm pulling your favorite song out of the jukebox.

Wait. Rhinos don't come from eggs. What did you just see, Lisa? I know, but-- - What did you just see? - Hmph.

Get out here, Son! There's a-doin's a-transpirin'! Let's shut the gate and seal them in!

Good God, Homer. You're turning our wonderful little town... into America's trash hole. Marge! Ixnay on the ash holetray. But, Dad, you can't cram garbage under Springfield forever.

The flowers starting to open.

Please, I am not a killer! I am but a humble purveyor of disgusting British food. Lark tongues, head pudding, eel pies. Eel pie? My favorite. Mmm. (CHUCKLES) We British sure eat crap. (IN COCKNEY ACCENT) Inspector, might I have a word with you?

Willie, stop! Away with ya. I got to finish him off while I'm still temporarily insane! No, you can't hurt Bart!

I cheated on my intelligence test. Period." Ah, finished already ? Principal Skinner will be very interested to-- to-- Oh. You know, you misspelled "confession." Hey, lookin' good, Bart.

Simple villagers, I promise you. I will close plants in America and bring work here! ¡Viva, SeÑor Burns!

Here, guys. Why don't we play... this?

When will father return from his whaling voyage? This family has not seen whale meat for a one month. Bartaby, Leezakiah, we must be grateful for what we have. Family, the good Lord has blessed my voyage. Behold his bounty.

For, you see, I have been on Mars for the last decade... in a cave with my eyes shut and my fingers in my ears.

For us to part Save the wedding bells For my returning keep my lover's armS outstretChed and yearning

I do. (ALL GASPING) No. You say that part later. I'm sorry, Seymour. I can't marry someone who doesn't want to be with me. (SOBBING)

Come on! Help me out here! Ruff! Rough? I don't know. You've been pitchin' that all night. Chewy? Chewy! That's inspired!

(CLANKIING) What? Spider poison is people poison? (CRIES) Bart! (GRUNTS) Hmm. Where's the pain? (GROANS) Ow! There it is! (CRYING)

I remember them-- Seth and Munchie. Look at those filthy, lazy, flea-ridden-- Oh, hi there! Hey, check it out. Is that Abe Simpson? Geez, man. We haven't seen you since Woodstock. You went to Woodstock?

My little munchkin bumped her pumpkin. Are you okay, Lisa? I'm more than okay. Ich bin ein gymnast! Aw, she must've dreamt about Hitler again.

- Homer. - What ? - Marge is right. You are a pig. You can ask anyone in this bar. - What ? Hey, Barney, am I a pig ? You're no more of a pig than I am. Oh, no ! See ? You're a pig. Barney's a pig. Larry's a pig. We're all pigs.

Nine, ten, start over again! English - US - Line 21

The training wheels come off your bike you start to notice boys you like... Uh-hee-hee-hee... You're just putting that in because it's commercial.

It started, appropriately enough, with an innocent boy being embarrassed... on Valentine's Day.

Nelson, what are you doing? I don't know. I can't help myself. Hey. Cut it out. I insist that you desist. Sorry. I'm so sorry.

Your-- Your help made our love possible. I don't know what we'll do without you. Now, so long. Wait! You don't have to leave just because Superintendent Chalmers told you to. What are you getting at? You've spent your whole life following orders.

Congratulations.

Oh, right. I'm Dennis Conroy. And here come your Isotopes. Let's welcome two new additions to the team, Smash Diggins and Fishbone Walker. Lucky for us, they were sent down from the majors... for drug violations.

Debbie Pinson! No dating!

Homie, do you ever drink alone? Does the Lord count as a person?

Ugh. Ugh. Here. What are you gonna do with your million dollars?

Shoop! It's terrible! Gah! What am I doing here? I should be in New York writing riddles on Popsicle sticks!

Father! Uncle Apu! A teacher was in the closet with the principal. And he had as many arms as Vishnu. And they were all very busy. Wow. I was in the library at the time.

That was just confusing.

And unless movies and TV have lied to me, it's a crusty, bitter, old dean. Hi there. Hello. I'm Dean Peterson, but you can call me Bobby. I just want you to know, if you ever feel stressed out from studying or whatever,

Duffman can never die, only the actors who play him. Oh, yeah! Ah, you must be here for the, uh, Duff Trivia Challenge. That's right, local distributor. One of you could win a lifetime supply of Duff. Okay, chug monkeys.

Ay! What the hell.

Oh, yeah? Yeah. Oh, rats. I'm out of here. We cant let our friend drive like this. I'm liable here.

just follow me. Put your hand on my hip. Okay.

Hey. You're not just impersonating a pilot so you can drink here, are ya? Yeah. That's exactly why I'm here. You flyboys. You crack me up. But I keep telling ya, I'm not a pilot! And I keep telling you, you flyboys crack me up!

These look like teeth marks. I thought there was chocolate inside. Well, why was it wrapped in foil? It was never wrapped in foil. Hardest hit by the blizzard is Springfield's forbidding Widow's Peak. Our own Arnie Pie is on the scene. Everything's snowed in. All I can see is white. Arnie, please. The ski conditions.

There she is, the old Radiation King. You'd park yourself right there and watch for hours on end. If I, uh, may, Helen, I'd like to respond to that question... with yet another flip remark. Wow.

Wake up, you lousy drunk!

You'll never find That microfilm of mine Bart, meet the voice of Angry Dad.

Oh, Dad, this is the best birthday I've ever had. That doll is evil, I tells ya. Evil! E-E-Evil! Grampa, you said that about all the presents. I just want attention. And in environmental news, scientists have announced that Springfield's air...

to deliver what will no doubt be a stirring and memorable address. I wish they taught shopping in school! Ohh. Let's bake some cookies for the boys! Come on, Stacy. I've waited my whole life to hear you speak. Don't you have anything relevant to say?

where we guess what city the weather girl's in? That was eight years ago. Is it Pittsburgh?

Oh, hurry up. I'm a busy man. This high-speed modem is intolerably slow. Hey. What the-- Huh. The internet King. i wonder if he can provide faster nudity.

Okay, people. Let's keep this short. We all want to get home to our families.

If I wanted to hear mindless droning, I'd befriend an air conditioner. Oh, now he's ragging on air conditioners. Hey, they keep us cool in the summer, pal. Get him! And stay out!

Feels like a Hefty Bag full of meat. We're trapped! Oh, why can't they just play through? No, Daddy, you stick your hand in there and see what it is.

(GRUNTING) Ugh! This one keeps eating himself. (MUNCHING) Hello? Octopuses, I'm done. Am I the only one here who's in horrible pain? You're the only one who won't shut up about it!

Presented for your consideration: Springfield-- an average little town... with a not-so-average monster.

This motor home. How can a vehicle this cool destroy a marriage that crappy? Hey, I know this is a crazy idea, but hear me out. What if we... (GASPS) Take this back to the dealer?

Mmm. Say what they will about our cafeteria, I still think they're the best tater tots money can buy. Mmm-- Wait a minute.

Kids, from now on, I don't want you touching anything in our house. Dart! Woo-hoo! Yeah! Nice shot, Homer!

CLANCY: There'll be no shorts eaten today, young man. Bart Simpson, this is a restraining order. From now on, you must stay at least 20 feet away from your sister. Restraining order? Bull spit. No piece of paper keeps me from waling on my sister. (KISSING) So you see what happens when you don't obey your restraining order?

Children, I couldn't help monitoring your conversation. There's no mystery about Willie. Why, he simply disappeared.

Um, eh, no time like the present. Hmm, something's not right. Does this bed feel lumpy to you? Well, yeah, kinda. Did that butter churn just move? 'Cause if it did--

Homer, give him what he wants! - Oh, Barney, leave me alone. - Whoops! Uh-oh.

Ohh. Here I am, one ofthe crowd. I'm comfortable, I'm calm. If anybody looks at me, I got a hypodermic full of bleach. Uh, people, we are officially over capacity. We gotta kick one person out. Someone who’s alone, already bitter.

When I was a kid, my mom would give me an empty egg carton and I'd pretend it was a spaceship to the moon. You'll never guess what I used for astronauts. I'm going to say eggs. Shut up.

Oh, no, you don't. Oh, yes, I do. Oh, yeah? Eat my dust! - Wow. Someone sure likes his kidney mush. - Damn right.

Anti-chafing nipple tape, check, check, and check.

Man, this is crazy. I hope I didn't brain my damage.

I'm not going to arrest you now. Stupid prison guard job thinks it's so big. (CLATTERS) Everyone gets a prison job but me. All my best friends are guards. They think they're so cruel and corrupt, but they're not.

that you're not a real captain? Aye. Your Honor, I would like to show the court... just how much shrimp Mr. Simpson ate. Bring it in, boys!

in this case, my desire to do high-quality... children's programming. When prison ended that dream, I became a seething cauldron... of rage and recrimination.

MAN: A star shone bright that silent night Ninety miles out of manger-town Haulin' gold and myrrh and frankincense Three kings put the hammer down Cause we got a Christmas convoy, ain't she a beautiful thing? We've gotta roll this truckin' convoy to see the newborn king Convoy

Maybe I need to talk to somebody with a little more age and wisdom.

And you only wanted those as bait to catch gummy fish. Which I did. Mmm. Trophy. Hey, Bart, you could nominate Mrs. Krabappel for an actual award-- the Teacher of the Year. Then she'll feel appreciated. They have an award for teaching?

Oh, it sounds like he's havin' fun. Why does it have a picture of Vitamin Barn? Didn't you ever go to camp? The old Vitamin Barn. There's our Broadway baby. Hey, dig that crazy rhythm. I'm just walking.

Daddy, what do taxes pay for? Why, everything! Policemen, trees, sunshine-- and let's not forget the folks who just don't feel like working, God bless 'em. Neddie, it's 8:45. The post office is gonna be opening soon. 8:45? Here I am, yappin' away like it's 8:35!

Yeah. Thanks for the grub. Grubs. Whatever. Ah, there's a burst of flavor.

And who are you, little boy? I'm one of your nephews you don't see very often, uh, Bart-Bart.

Nice work, Smithers. When we get back, I'm giving you a raise. Oh, well.

Now, Bart, I found the culprit-- a jagged, metal cereal "0." Wicked! I got this cool scar, and I get to miss a week of school! Dr. Hibbert, can I have my appendix out? Why not?

You pulled me out of school for this? Absolutely. You're about to get a lesson... in value. And Burly's still got soaking power. Spill something else. M-Mom, I believe you.

Huh? What is this crap?

We've flown in the finest busboys from France. I-I mean, America. Vite. Vite. And now, to all my dear friends I say, "Get the hell out of my yard."

Sweet! A circus! Let's sneak in.

Drive slow, but not too slow. Drink some cola to keep yourself alert. What the... (GROANS) Nice work, cruise control.

I mean, I think I hear something. Why, here's Alison's real diorama. It got misplaced, or so it would seem. Oh, well, that changes everything. Let's have a look. Get the ribbon ready. Oh. A little... sterile.

Wanna see my picture I drew? Lieutenant Simpson, you've been up for hours. Take a nap. You're no good to us cranky. But I'm not tired.

Ball is in parking lot. Would you like to play again? You have selected "no."

- Oh, Artie. - Please? Really, I mean it. Now stop it! I'm sorry, Marge. Take me home, Artie.

Lenny, are you watching this? - Yeah. They really hurt that guy's feelings. - I know! Ready for the circus, Homer? Circus? The Cirque de Purée. We've had tickets since Septembre. But I want to watch Brett Favre! Come on, Homer. They're only in town for eight months.

From now on, there will be a new Barnard Gumble. I'm working clean and sober.

forever Somebody put a torch to these permanent records. Quickly, now.

All right. Congratulations. Welcome to the Homer Simpson Program. So what happens next? One day soon I will come for you, and then the game will begin. Could be in the middle of the night. It could be when you least expect it. Or whatever's good for you. I don't care.

You're ahead 51 to 49. Congratulations, Mr. Governor. Excellent. Bart, would you like to say grace ? Dear God, we pay for all this stuff ourselves, so thanks for nothing. Only an innocent child could get away with such blasphemy. God bless them all. Amen.

I want candy That's it, boys. Burn it all. Even this promotional Johnny Depp from the movie Chocolat? We melted for him. Now he's gonna do likewise. All right. Time to throw in the Butterfingers.

Name me one person who's gotten rich by doing yo-yo tricks. Donald Trump? No.

Shh! Tappa-tappa-tappa.

Yeah I tip my hat to the new constitution Take a bow for the new revolution Well, Marge, looks like your insane experiment is over.

I'm wearing some now. But pants or no pants, the Simpsons were flying high. Yeah, I've seen all the overnight sensations--

Homer, you encouraged him ! You should be strangling yourself ! She's right !

I just wanted to say... on the advice of my new husband... I've decided to give up smoking... except for after meals and after MacGyver. Selma, dear, you'll bury us all.

Oh! Well, it's still the best thing in this class. Num, num, num, num, num. A-minus. Lisa Simpson, master of the double life.

Come on, Maggie. Good Maggie. The talcum powder's not to play with. Oh! Okay, Bart. Now it's really time for you to go to bed.

Give me the drugs, Lisa. Dad, I'm not on drugs! I was just trying--

That screwball Marge Simpson.

La, la, la la, la, la Hey. Stop shakin' the harness. How low can I go!

Mr. Sandman Bring me a dream Make him the cutest that I've ever seen Give him a lonely heart like Pagliacci Check it out, Fat Tony. Those jokers think they're the Cowsills.

Come on in! It's your master bedroom! Ow! My nose! Well, I've seen about enough. So, Flanders, what do you think of the house that love built? Aw, shoot!

Promise me you'll report this. Consider yourself fired! I had a car!

You a winner! Ha-ha-ha! You a winner! Ha-ha-ha! You a winner! Ha-ha-ha!

Talk to me. Hey, Mom! How's the leg? Leg? Oh! Oh, that. It's pretty great. How are things at home? Oh, couldn't be better. Marco. Polo. Marco. Polo. Marc-- Ohh!

Leeches! Ow! Why did I get this LEGO shirt? Don't you mean "Blocko" shirt? Right, right. "Blocko" shirt. Lisa, how's your Eiffel Tower kit?

Heads up! Here comes the real comptroller.

Unauthorized user! Access denied!

Weve gotta start using a cheaper oatmeal. Sorry, Mick! Simpson!

Good Lord, Smithers! You look atrocious. I thought I told you to take a vacation. Smithers already left, sir. I'm his replacement-- Homer Simpson. Ah, yes. Simpson. I'll have my lunch now. A single pillow of shredded wheat, some steamed toast and a dodo egg.

"Lisa is an outstanding student with a slight tendency toward know-it-all-ism"? That's not even a word! Then we'll get rid of the record permanently! Hey, look how much Skinner makes.

Now, take that kid away. No! You're not gonna take my baby to jail! (STRUGGLING) All right, boys. She's not letting go.

Whoa! Did a shark do that? Yes. He was testing out a new blood-based suntan lotion. You know, now that I have my hammer-screwdriver,

- Dad, we've been robbed! - Wake up, Dad! Wake up!

Is it really necessary to watch TV while we're eating? We're getting food all over.

Hey-y-y! Hey, my threads, baby. How come I've never seen that Itchy & Scratchy before? Perhaps because you are a prepubescent ignoramus.

Homer ? Not now, Marge ! Get out of the corner ! They sent a note from school. What did you do this time, you little hoodlum ? Oops, get outta the way ! I didn't do it. Nobody saw me do it. There's no way they can prove anything. No, Bart. This note isn't about you. It isn't ? There must be some mistake. Hey, you're right. This note's about Lisa.

Hey! Ah. This is my kind of aisle. Soy substitute. "Whizless" cheese. Oven-roasted cud. It's packed in its own drool.

Okay, Marge, as long as we're traumatizing the kids, I have a scandalous story of my own. Gentlemen, I'd like you to meet your new coworker, Mindy Simmons.

You wrote me those letters. You awful man! Stay away from my son. Oh, I'll stay away from your son, all right. Stay away... forever. Oh, no! Wait a minute. That's no good.

We just make boxes here.

just one look at you my heart grew tipsy Ugh! I'll get it.

but I think you might be turned around by some surprising... "taste-imony." Sir, this is a house of justice, not a sugar shack. It's Hershey highwaymen like you who made me fat. Well, Your Honor, the court carries it well.

Who's Muntu? He is our leader. He seized power in a bloodless coup-- all smotherings.

Oh ! Homemade pickled beets. Go ahead. Take 'em all. Seeing as no one was hurt, I think it would be really silly to dwell on this. Come on ! Come on !

Wait a minute! You didn't learn how World War ii ended. We won! Yea! U.S.A.! U.S.A.! U.S.A.! U.S.A.!

You truly are the king of kings. Excellent.

to my train at Penn Station.

But we were a team, sir. Oh, I'm afraid I've had one of my trademark changes of heart. You see, teamwork will only take you so far. Then the truly evolved person makes that extra grab for personal glory.

Mr. Simpson, this is the most blatant case of fraudulent advertising... since my suit against the film The Neverending Story. So, do you think I have a case? Homer, I don't use the word "hero" very often. But you are the greatest hero in American history.

I think I'm blind.

What is it ? What ? Smartline ? Yes, I've heard of your late-night panel discussion show. I'd love to ! Smartline, with our local Emmy Award-winning host... Kent Brockman. Hello. I'm Kent Brockman, and welcome to another edition of Smartline.

You gotta quit while you're ahead. You gotta take your money and leave now ! Sorry, boy. I have to get enough to help everybody. But you could lose everything. Come on. Homer, I think Rudyard Kipling said it best: "If you can make one heap of all your winnings...

Ah, and my dear, dear Smithers. You're no longer needed at all. You're fired. Ta.

Well, if I were a member, we could use my rumpus room as our lair. That guy just don't get it, do he? My rumpus room with the new bumper pool table? Bumper pool? I'm there.

Are you kids ready to order yet? just get us another bowl of complimentary pickles. Watch how fast I go.

Give me 50 c.c.'s of hot fudge stat! Hold still. You're gonna feel a slight chocolaty sensation.

his chocolate milk dreams cut short by kidnapping fiends.

Oh, no it won't. Wait! There's a commercial! Oh, yeah. Whoa. Forty years ago, a film appeared that was so shocking, so terrifying, it was sealed in a concrete vault deep beneath the earth.

Because Mr. Krabappel chased something fluffy down a rabbit hole. How do we know when we fall in love? Oh, don't you worry. Most of you will never fall in love and marry out of fear of dying alone. How do I create a half man, half monkey-type creature? I'm sorry, that would be playing God.

Well, that's too freakin' bad! I'll tell you where you can put your freakin' "sodie" too!

What a lovely suit, Sheriff. Is that seersucker?

How was it? It wasn't that great. Be honest.

- Beat the lumps. - BART: Hey! Beat the lumps. Beat the lumps. BART: Ay, caramba! Homie, I disagree with your approach to the children. (GRUNTING) (GUNSHOT) (HOMER SCREAMS) (MARGE COCKS GUN) - (GUNSHOT) HOMER: D'oh!

Really? What type of smart? Book smart? Because there are a lot of people who are book smart. But it takes a very special type of genius to--

And you wouldn't even be the only wrestler in the neighborhood. The Shrieking Sheik lives just three doors away. Hey! I'll take it.

Now, separating Siamese twins is a long and costly procedure. Huh? Arr! Ya call that an anchor?

Then he'll get his just dessert. This will be Homer Simpson's last lagniappe. Come on! You're gonna kill him with a pastry? I've seen this man eat a bowl of change. This Éclair has over one million calories.

But try to see it my way. All my life, I've been an obese man trapped inside a fat man's body. Have you told Mom about this? No. It would only worry her. If you want to add to her worries, go ahead. I guess I'm just a little more grateful for all she's done for us. Dad! Yes, sweetheart? Obesity is really unhealthy. Any doctor will tell you that.

Okay. From tappa-tappa-tappa. Lisa's bad dancing makes my feet sad. Oh! Let's take five. What am I doing wrong, Little Vicki? Well, you're falling a lot. Maybe you should work on that.

Aah! No! Don't kill me! I didn't know there was film in that camera in that hat! I was unaware! I was unaware!

(RAPPING) Don't flavor hate. Participate.

Oh, cool. He's still mental.

This was a wonderful idea, Homie. Mmm! - What happened to Mindy? - Yes, what did happen to her? She hit the bottle pretty hard and lost her job. Hmm. Good. Does anyone else have a love story? Yes, I do, and just like your love stories, it's tragic and filled with hurt feelings... and scars that will never heal.

Finally, the great taste of Worcestershire Sauce... in a soft drink! Ahh! Steaky!

- It comes from a can. - She's a corpse. JJ

Reverend Lovejoy! You've come to comfort me? Yes, Bart. There, there. There, there.

This is so cool. I feel like I'm back in the Renaissance. Please stay in character, gentle wench. Verily I declare that the Earth revolves around the sun... and not t'other way around. Stop looking down my blouse, Copernicus. Forsooth. Mine eyes doth rove of their own accord.

It's time to take out the trash.

Listen to your mother, kids. Aim low. Aim so low, no one will even care if you succeed.

It's like you hate me. Your own husband. That's ridiculous. I don't like you-- I mean hate you. Hate you. Hate you. I hate you!

Yes on 242! Either way. The important thing is the system works. And the bumper stickers misspelled "on." They all say, "Yes No 242." And it's the night before the election and you haven't handed them out!

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. Hmm. These Bat-pants have been shredded by the Riddler. No, just your ass. That's what I call my ass.

Yeah. There's so many things we can-- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. We'll call you or send you some fruit. Look, Grampa. You're already getting a new neighbor. Hi. I'm Zelda.

Three, four, pick up the floor Five, six, don't play tricks Seven, eight, clean your plate Nine, ten, start over again! One, two, tie your shoe Three, four, pick up the floor Five, six, don't play tricks Seven, eight, clean your plate Nine, ten, start over again!

His boots are ivory. His hat is ivory. And I'm pretty sure that check is ivory. Lisa, a guy who has lots of ivory is less likely to hurt Stampy... than a guy whose ivory supplies are low. We love... you.

If you come home, I won't die alone and that's what I'd prefer Oh, please Settle for Seymour

Is there something wrong, Homie? No. Except-- Except... I killed Mr. Burns! What happened, Dad? I punched Burns right in his 104-year-old face.

Learning something, Marge? Uh, hi. I'm Moe S. Hi, Moe! Yeah, so last night, I was closing up the bar... when some young punk comes in and tries to stick me up. Whatever did you do, Moe? Well, it could've been a real ugly situation,

Oh, no. That's Maggie's mix tape! Then Maggie must’ve gotten- f Man f w' Sex bomb, sex bomb w' w' You 're m y sex bomb w' w' And, baby, you can turn me on my f Laughing f

It was a different time-- 1998. Oh!

Well, Countess von Zeppelin and I-- What in blaze ! Now, you listen to me, you bargain basement Baudelaire ! I'm not some dizzy starlet who can't string two words together ! I can write this thing myself ! You're fired !

it could transform Selma's life. (WHINY) But, Marge, I don't want her to be happy. Okay. Don't do it for her. - Deal! - Do it for me.

Check it out. I'm breaking books at a sixth grade level. Get 'em, boy. Hit those smart-ass books. Why don't you kick some books, Lisa? Bart broke all my books. You know what our homework is? Find a toy and bring it to class. Boy, that sounds fun. I know. But I'm still not gonna do it.

You! Homer, thank God. You gotta help me here. Oh, I'll help you. Help you die! Waaah! All right, that's it. You're goin' down, pal.

I just want a friend who isn't a work friend.

(TIRES SCREECHING) D'oh! (SCREAMING) (TIRES SCREECHING)

Ah, these uniforms are a godsend. Horseplay's down 40%. Youthful exuberance has been cut in half. High spirits are at an all-time low. They've even begun blinking in unison. I love that sound.

Deal. Hit me, hit me, hit me. Busted.

I can't get the smell of slurry out of my clothes. Oh, I was a fool to help that horrible old man. I hope you learned your lesson, Lisa. Never help anyone.

English - US - SDH

Yech! Can I interest you in a mincemeat pie? - They're very-- - Does it have tomacco in it? No, but I use only the-- Pass! I was here first. Come on, come on, people! Don't push. There's plenty of tomacco for everyone. Have your cash or food stamps ready. Don't forget your mincemeat pie.

Hello, once again. As usual, I must warn you all that this year's Halloween show is very, very scary, and those of you with young children may want to send them off to bed and--

even some sort of gelatin dish. It's made from hooves, you know. Anything, huh? Okay. I want pizza, and I want it delivered by Krusty the Clown. Hmm. Hmm. Hey, it's Krusty the Pizza Man!

Another famous Indian was Crazy Horse. In conclusion, Libya is a land of contrasts. Thank you. Ow. i can't breathe. Please stop him. Oh, I'd like to, but I'm afraid he has diplomatic immunity. Point of order. If we want to learn anything, we must respect-- Point of "odor." Lisa stinks. Hey. Leave her alone.

This was a lovely idea, Homie. Come here and kiss me. Do not be alarmed. Continue swimming naked.

Oh, that's ridiculous. Poison Delivery Service. A gift basket of poisons is on its way. Oh, I'm a horrible mother. Of course you are. Marge, I finally discovered the reason God made me-- to protect his tiniest, most breakable creatures.

They are coming back for us, aren't they? I don't know. How's your back, Dad? Well, there's a dull ache certainly. And overlaid on that is a club sandwich of pain.

(BRAKES SCREECHING) ALL: Huh? D'oh! (GRUNTING)

Hey, everybody ! Here comes my brother, Bart the bully-killer ! - Yeah ! - You're our hero, Bart ! Look, everybody. I would just as soon not make a big deal out of this. I'm not sayin' I'm not a hero. I'm just saying that I fear for my safety.

Come here, you little squirt. Homie, maybe we should go inside. But, Marge, that little guy hasn't done anything yet. Look at him. He's gonna do something, and you know it's gonna be good.

(CLOCK TICKING) (CLICK) (CLICK) (CLICK) People, Springfield is in crisis. Fingers have been shoved up noses, pants have been pulled down, and Mayors have been repeatedly humiliated.

Yes, well, there will be no smut in my company. You're in this man's army to learn. I don't know but I've been told The Parthenon is mighty old How old We don't know That's real good but needs improvement

Brought to you by: Smell like Streep for cheap! I'm your host, Troy McClure. And now, here come the ladies! We learned the truth at 17 that love waS meant For beauty queens Like Miss South Dakota.

These giant vegetables are amazing. Hmm... How about a bite of the world's biggest Brussels sprout? Ew.

Your earlobe's bleeding. Oh. So, I guess major muffins like yourselves all have dates, huh? You'd better believe it. Really? All of you? Uh, we all have dates, Lisa. Everyone does. Even me. Unbelievable! Whoa--

YOu-- Stop! Don't recycle! It's murder! You're helping Mr. Burns!

Okay. We gotta start recruiting, Lou.

I come for the service, but I stay for the leg room. Flight crew, prepare for takeoff.

What's going on?

Yeah Meet the new boss Same as the old boss

Bart ! You don't even care ! You don't even care !

"Time for a walk." Oh, again? I gotta find out where he's keeping these. I'd take him, but those cards are nontransferable.

I must warn you that once this next tape starts, it will not stop... because that button is broken. Let's watch. If you are watching this tape, you are the president of the United States.

There are still seven days before Valentine's. Ah. Seven chances to prove my love for sweet Manjula. Sweet mint julep. I'll be at Moe's.

So, this driving on the left makes you feel more at home, huh, Hugh? And tonight, the following celebrities have been arrested. While Heather Locklear-Fortensky remains at large. Remember, if you see any celebrities, consider them dangerous.

Will you be quiet?

Humpin' "hay-zeus"! He got all of that one! It's going, going, going-- Our technical director today was Stan Kadlubowski.

Support the arts!

Are we hot? We are not.

If you'll look to the left side of the aircraft, you'll see Homer and Marge "Sampson," who are celebrating with us today their 11th air-niversary. So hang on, while we dip our wings... to this happy couple.

Nah. I don't do that anymore. So I guess I'll have to see someone else about my crippling depression. Arr. Arr.

If you ever travel back in time, don't step on anything... because even the tiniest change... can alter the future in ways you can't imagine. Fine. As long as I stand perfectly still and don't touch anything, I won't destroy the future.

I promise I won't leave this bed. I trust you, honey.

Bart, remember when l was crying at recess?

Ah. Homer J. Simpson, you're a genius.

Ta-da! Now if I drop her, no more tears. Give me my baby! "D" it up, Marge. I'm goin' to the hole. I want these springs out of our house today!

Hey, now-now that Largo's gone, we-we can play the forbidden music. I heard that.

Whoa! Huh? A pretzel? Wow! Looks like I pulled a Homer.

Until now, this was the only way to get juice from an orange. You mean there's a better way?

Mom, that's veal. Oh. You're sure she'll have fun here? Oh, of course. Babies love the ball room.

Hey, Homer. Oh, Ray.

Yeah. Could I be any more of a house? Meh. Who else we got? Hey, Cha-Cha, I got more features... than a NASA relief map of Turkmenistan.

I am so sorry, Homie. How is your crushed pelvis? Pretty good. Thanks for asking. I don't know what happened. I saw you and I went for the brake, but I hit the accelerator.

By now, your new, improved love life should have you... flinging woo like nobody's business. So, to you, Mr. and Mrs. Erotic American, I bid... good day.

Oh, it's no good. Everything reminds me of Marge. I know what you're going through. We're coming up on Mt. Carlmore.

All right, mister, you want trouble, you're gonna get trouble. Oh, I want trouble, all right. Then you're gonna get trouble. No, you're gonna get trouble. Oh, that's good. That's good, 'cause I want trouble. Then we're agreed. There'll be trouble. Oh, yeah! Lots of trouble. - Trouble it is! - For you. D'oh!

D'oh! Eew! This is the worst place yet.

We're sorry. I don't want you to go. Sorry, but I have to. Good-bye. Good-bye. Oh, what the heck-- once more, from the top. Yea!

If elected mayor... my first act will be to kill the whole lot of ya and burn your town to cinders. Mike's on. I know it's on. Park anywhere. I'm not gonna lay any rule trip on you today.

in the navy come on, people and make A stand in the navy, in the navy in the navy

There you are, old pal. I finally found ya. Who the hell are you? I'm this dog's owner. I raced him at the greyhound track under the name Santa's Little Helper. Good times. Well, he's not yours anymore. You threw him out on Christmas Eve. Yeah, don't listen to him, Mr. Duff VII.

Dear Log: Can it be true? Do all Simpsons go through a process of "dumbening"? Wait. That's not how you spell "dumbening." Wait. "Dumbening" isn't even a word!

That was the Fifth Dimension with "Weddings Are Nice." You know what else is nice, Marty? What's that, Bill? The KBBL Prize Posse! Damn dirty ape! If our Wampum Wagon spots your KBBL Party Penguin, you'll win $40! Did ya hear that, pengy?

If I want you to bunt, I'll touch my belt buckle not once, not twice, but thrice. I don't understand a word he's saying. Why doesn't he just let me bat? I wish I was home with a big bag of potato chips. Mmm... potato chips. Got that, Simpson? Yes, sir.

and spread sunshine all over the place just put on A happy face

I don't know why people are always bad-mouthing the Mafia.

I bid you good day. JJ f "The Benny Hill Theme ff f Hop to it, honey. If we get to the pops concert early... we can give up our seats to some old people.

You fluSh one down it swirls arounD 999 springs to fluSh down You're not flushing those springs down our toilet, are you? Of course not. 996 Springs to flush down 996 springs Mm-mm-mm.

I'm in a coffee house listening to poetry. There's a cat on a table and no one seems to care. This is the single greatest day of my life! "Impossible to tell in writing.

"You jive turkey!" See? You got to sass it. "Quit jivin' me, turkey!"

The League of Uninformed Voters presents the Springfield mayoral debates. I'm your moderator, Larry King. Now a word to our audience. Even though we're being broadcast on... Fox, there's no need for obnoxious hooting and hollering. Ugh!

Whatever. You can crank it up. Dude, let's trash this place. After we get paid. Nice. Oh, man, this is the greatest night of my life. If my dad could see this, he'd be so mad. He can. There's a Web cam right there.

No. Not the memoirs. Don't even think about it. Not gonna happen.

You just march right up to those youngsters and tell them to vamoose. Yeah, well, if you're sure that'll help. Hey, let's go over to the one-hour photo and breathe some fumes. Uh, excuse me, fellas. I-i-i couldn't help thinking... it might be nice if you could, uh, vamoose, you know-- if possible.

That is just grotesque.

I'm old! Gimme, gimme, gimme!

Now, whose calculator can tell me what seven times eight is? Oh! Oh! Oh! Low battery? Whatever.

I know a new song. You still here? Allouetty, Jaunty allouetty allouetty-- Um, uh-- allOuetty-- You already sang that part. The older they get, the cuter they ain't.

Maybe I'm not getting enough... estrogen.

It's always the children's fault, isn't it, Seymour? Yes. Yes, it is, sir. Imagine-- a school out there with no bullies. Science geeks not getting beat up. Kids using their lunch money for food. I can't take it!

MARGE: Turn, turn, keep turning. Keep turning, keep turning, keep turning. HOMER: I see an opening! MARGE: No, it's too risky! We'll just wait till the traffic thins out! Turn, turn. Keep turning, keep turning, keep turning. (GROGGILY) Keep turning, keep turning.

If you don't open that door, I'll tear you up like a Kleenex at a snot party!

Nice doggie. Milhouse! Bury me at Make Out Creek.

J The man who shot Liberty Valance J J He shot Liberty ValanceJ J He was the bravest ofthem all JJ Nice lady. ln second place, Marge Simpson! Second place?

Now, for my favorite part of the show. Whuzzat say? "Talk to the audience"? Oh, God. This is always death.

So-- Aah! Death! That's only the cat. Oh. Aah! Death! - That's Maggie again, Grampa. - Oh. Where were we? Death!

well, keep Dad from ruining it? Oh, don't worry, honey. I guarantee your father will behave. Mom, it's a picture phone. This? This? Oh, no. - I've just got a touch of the rheumatiz. - Oh. - Whew. - Mom, picture phone.

I'll save you! So long, suckers!

But now I found a reason I struck on a love that is true I used to play the field I used to be a roamer But season's turnin' around for me now I finally bagged me a Homer That's right.

- Oh, it's for kids. - Wait, Dad!

Well, that's the tour. - If you have any questions, I'd be happy to answer-- - I have one. Yes? Is the remarkably sexist drivel spouted by Malibu Stacy... intentional, or is it just a horrible mistake? Believe me, we're very mindful of such concerns.

(LAUGHING NERVOUSLY) (LAUGHING MANIACALLY) (THUNDER CLAPS) (MANIACAL LAUGHING CONTINUES)

Well, well, well. If it isn't the cutest police officer in Springfield. Hey, you know, we got feelings too, Chief. just dump your candy on the X-ray belt, Ralphie. There's a good boy. Safe. Safe. Razor blade. Syringe. Oh! White chocolate!

You're still not in your own world, Homer. I can get you home, but you have to do exactly as I-- This is indeed a disturbing universe.

Hey, no more trampoline. Let's jump on the car instead.

Open your yaps, boyos! Hey, what the-- Oh! Everybody-- Everybody get naked!

But Mommy wanted it. Hmm?

I don't know. Great plan, Bart ! Ooh, look, Maggie. What is that ? Dodecahedron. "Do-deca-he-dron." Lisa, I don't know what you're doing, but it's very strange, and your father's trying to worry.

Is that the same jack from "jack and the Beanstalk"? You know, Son, I believe it is. And jack Sprat? - Is that him too? - Sure. Why not? Good night. Is he the same as "jack be nimble"... and jack Frost and Little jack Horner?

About the heating duct. Hmm. It sounded like battle. I've had a cold, so, uh-- Oh, so you would hear "R's" as "B's?" Yes. I understand. Come on, Bart. Ride me.

I hope the kids didn't hear us. Oh, wow. Well, Burns looks happy today. Watch me, uh, take advantage of his good mood. Uh, Mr. Burns.

I'm running things now. All hail King Homer.

Look, Lisa! You got something. Oh, Foreign Language Institute. Oh, my German verb wheel. Ich esse. Ihr ist. Wir essen. When? When? Ich bin hungrig! Homer, this is yours. Yes! My precious CarToons!

I quit. Sorry to lose you, Simpson.

I saw you and that Squishee lady... canoodling like junkyard rabbits!

Let's get out of here. Forget the baby's medicine! But her forehead's on fire! Fine. I'll be in the car, driving home. Well, if it isn't that stupid cop from TV. Ah, yeah, that got it. - That's Homer Simpson. - Hey, that's Homer Simpson!

This is so exciting, Homie. Your first restaurant review. Marge. Shh. It's important that no one knows that I'm a food critic. Hear that, Maude? Homer's a critic. Homer's a critic. Pass it on. Did you hear? Homer's a critic. Quit changing the subject!

It's all right. I'm a teacher! I didn't know we could do that.

Three, two, one, pull! That exterminator tent will be perfect for your revival meeting. Mmm. Maybe we should air it out a little.

Nothing yet. Now, make no mistake. When I say "first aid,"

So long, suckers!

(EXCLAIMS) Uh-oh. (GROANS NERVOUSLY) Hey, guys!

Herb ? You look just like-- You look just like-- Except you got a little less-- Except you got a little more-- And a little more-- And a little less-- - God, I feel so-- - God, I feel so-- - Homer ! Homer ! - Herb ! Homer. Welcome to my home, brother.

Toxic barrel rollin'

Oh, we're all out, Homer. Doh !

And there's Nick Callahan. A headset telephone? i thought those only existed in the movies.

Hello, operator ! Give me the number for 9-1-1 !

Whoever has that stamp on his hand is insane. Put him in with the big white guy who thinks he's the little black guy. Who are you?

I'll be right there. All right, people, we've got an escaped octopus on the roof of Springfield Elementary. Let's roll! Two cameras! Let's go! Come on! Come on!

We better do what he says! Wait! We're now over international waters. Whoo-hoo! We can gamble! Yes! Aw, nuts! They'll be back. They'll miss American TV. Any of these islands would make a fine new country. I call president! Vice president!

Custard! Custard! They make The Blue Man Group look like Mummenschanz, which is still pretty good. Oh, the second one wants custard, too? That's a little repetitive. (THUNDER RUMBLING)

Here's your special delivery. Thanks. That's for keepin' me waiting. Hey, Lise, guess who's got a genuine... Itchy & Scratchy animation cel?

D'egh! G'yah! D'oh! You're a travesty of a f-- joke of an assistant!

- Oh, McBain. - mmM. The rules that constrain other men Mean nothing to McBain Boo ! I want to see the manager !

I bet people laughed at you when you told 'em that dream.

Homer, wake up. There's still a few minutes till our usual bedtime. No. My invention! All my money problems could've-- Money problems? Homer, are we in some sort of fiduciary trouble?

Hey, you know, maybe no one'll notice. Maybe the problem will just fix itself. Now you're the one who's being naive. Okay, fair enough. But you sound like you're ready to become your own boss... in the exciting world of frame nudging. Yes. For a minimal franchise fee, you'll receive a pair of straightening gloves,

Mmm. Excellent, Zutroy. Work hard and each day you'll get a shiny penny. Agent Wesson, Department of Labor. This man's an illegal alien.

Iron helps us play! Hello, Joe! From now on, the baby sleeps in the crib. Iron helps us play!

Hey, girls. Check out this president. I am not a butt! Bart, do you wanna play john Wilkes Booth or do you wanna act like a maniac? I'll be good.

Now see here! Do you know how much I donate to the B'nai B'rith? Actually, I do. Goodbye. Krusty, what's wrong?

I've been setting my drinks on these things. They're only 35 calories apiece. Hello. Hello ! Hello, taste ? Where are you ? You can put a little something on top for flavor. Hey, now you're talkin' !

Hey, watch it. I didn't expect all this. Well, we never should have let you go. From now on, I'll use my gossip for good instead of evil.

Y'ello? Oh, hi, Lenny. No. Why would I need a ride this afternoon? Where? To the big annual what?

Then he joined that cult. I think his name is Mother Shabubu now.

I'm getting me a real spleen and then I'm gonna vent it on you, boychik. Oi! Shoving. It almost sounded like he plans to tear organs out of living people. Well, that's my dad. (LAUGHS) You can't stop him. (HUMMING)

Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo! I did it! Uh, Dad. Towel rack. Whoo-hoo-hoo! Hee-hee! Ho-ho! Oh, my.

Topped with chocolate syrup Topped with chocolate syrup

Whoo! Wa-ho! So!

Aaah ! The capital of North Dakota is named after what German ruler ? Hitler !

Hmm. Homer, how come you never sang a song like that to me before? Oh, I was gettin' around to it.

What the bloody hell? Quiet, you. I know you youngsters want to see these rockin' rockers, but I also know you care about the race for sanitation commissioner. So let me give you the 911.

Marge, if you can find it in your heart to accept me for who I am, I would love to see you at the ceremony. If not, I'll see you at Homer's funeral. - (BUZZING) - (GRUNTS) (GIGGLES) Which should be pretty soon. HOMER: (GRUNTS) Got him! Uh-oh.

Ladies, we want to do the honorable thing, so breakfast is on us-- with full waffle bar privileges. But first, I'm afraid we have some bad news. The waffle bar is closed. I'm sorry. I'm so very-- Homer! The bad news, ladies, is we already have wives.

Marge, "You have a nice body, and if you'd like to see me in a costume, you have only to ask."

(SNORING) Z-Z-Z-Z-Z-Z-Z... (SNORING) Z-Z-Z-Z-Z-Z-Z... Goodbye, Maggie. I'm smart enough to know you're better off without me.

The contents of the hijacked truck-- some 12,000 cartons of Laramie 100's. We have-- Please! We have a number of leads. and let me assure all you smokers, there is no shortage of cigarettes. How do we know that? Let me refer that question back to jack Larson...

You can be the first to try out the new guest bedroom I built. Remember, if the building inspector comes by, it's not a room. It's a window box. Oh, Hugh, thank you. You've been just wonderful through this entire ordeal. Lisa, I love you so much, I'm willing to go through anything--

Soon you'll be Napoléon Blownapart. - Ew. Terrible. - Oh, hush up, Leo! You know, I'd like to thank God for all my success... even though I never worshipped or believed in him in any way. But before I sweep up my last spotlight, there's one thing I've gotta say.

Hey, Homer, whets with the deranged look?

I'll take that.

Oh, man, that's good. Oh, pass the butter. Are you gonna eat that all by yourself?

Bart! Pull over! We'll stop fighting, we promise! Prove it! Yeah, kiss and make up! We're not quite there yet, but we've opened up a dialogue! Not good enough! Kiss! Oh! French it up, lover boy! I'm not a machine. I can't just turn it on!

That's so unfair! This blows. Skinner's the real Grinch! I'm all for rescuing the kids, but I wish you hadn't sawed off my roof. My car, your roof. It's only fair.

Oh, really! Now, this is a personal call! Now, my friends, i-isn't this just typical?

Wait a minute. I forgot to make sure... the coast was clear. Ah, it's probably clear. Let's go. Beer!

oh, yeah - Oh, no. Oh, no. Not tonight! Oh, yeah Not tonight!

D'oh! I am a-so glad I had a chance to meet you... before we did this, Krusty, because I am a great a-fan. Don Vittorio DiMaggio. Krusty the Clown.

Oh! Oh! Bono, help me! Don't worry, folks. He'll get the help he needs. In the name of love what more in the name of love My campaign is a disaster, Moe.

Sorry, Moe. You can either walk out with dignity... or I can push you down this muddy hill. I'd prefer that you push me, seeing how I'm desperate for any human contact. - All right. - Thanks a lot.

If you don't start making more sense, we're gonna have to put you in a home. You already put me in a home. Then we'll put you in the crooked home we saw on 60 Minutes. I'll be good. Look what your bad egg of a son did to my teeth! Dad, you and your stories. "Bart broke my teeth."

You could be my father figure. No way! I'm not gettin' my fingerprints on that train wreck. But if I lose Maggie, I'm 0-for-3. I’ve gotta get her back! I can help you. I said pipe down, Amtrak. Maggie, look whets in your ear. A penny.

Don't forget the smell. Will you get off my front lawn? Why don't you make me? Why? Oh, I give up.

next weekend at Catfish Lake. It's psychological counseling for couples whose marriages are hanging by a thread... or those just in need of a tune-up. Hmm ? If you wish to participate, please sign up in the lobby after the service is over. Will the Simpsons be attending our little retreat ?

Are you sure you've thought this through? A child can really change your life. You'll have to give up smoking. I'll chew. No man will want you. All I got now is sperm in a cup. Come on! Come on! Time to get up!

We said, "Meh." M-E-H. "Meh."

It only makes him madder. Start them off with the Touch of Death and go from there. I think they've learned their lesson, Lise.

Who wants to be the first to enter God's good graces? Easy. Easy! Oh, why do you hate my trains?

Oh, well, when I was six, my father took me on a picnic. That was a gay old time. Ho-ho! I ate my share of wieners that day. Oh, that sounds lovely. Queer. Queer. Um, ever murder anybody? Murder? Well, mistakes have been made.

You know what I think of this contract? This! Yeah! Who is that firebrand, Smithers? That's Homer Simpson, sir.

There it is! (CRYING) A spider?

who sometimes drives my son home from school. Oh, you must be Michael's dad! Marge, come on! (GRUNTS) We'll be safe in the gas chamber. (GRUNTS) (SQUEAKING) I want you to look into the faces of those poor men.

and some extra-strength opium. That will be two cents, boys. Two cents? Hey, if you think my prices are high, go across the street. Thank you. Come again. He put the lard pone on top of the egg pone. Dang!

Dad! Yeah, I'm watching, honey! Nice cannonball! Anyhoo, the key to fathering is don't overthink, because overthinking is, um-- What were we talking about? Ooh, a clown! Well, I like that girl She's the cutest little thing I know

You'll feel better knowing your money's... - in the hands of professionals. - "ook, ook." Are you folks ready to go ape? Mom? A professional in an ape mask is still a professional. And you'll find that saving for your future... is far more thrilling than any roller coaster.

Uh, little help. Bart, stop fooling around.

I never hang out with him, normally. Hark to the tale of Nelson and the boy he loved so dear They remained the best of friends for years and years and years What are they saying? I'm not sure. I thought you said you could read lips.

What's it like, Bart? Bart? Bart? Give me that!

You weren't complaining when I got you this close to Chachi. What's a Chachi? All right. Now, there can only be one Krusty in each territory, so I hope this works out. Tell me where you're from. Georgia.

And do you, Homer, take this cocktail waitress you just met... to be your lawfully wedded wife? What did you call me? Do you want to get married? Married. Sure. Sock it to me, baby. By the power vested in me by the Chicago outfit, I now pronounce you husbands and wives.

I made it the whole day without seeing her again. I mean, hello! I guess we'll be going down together. - I mean, getting off toge-- - I mean-- - That's okay. I'll just push the button for the stimulator-- I mean, elevator.

Hello, gov'nor. Lube job while you wait? Don't touch me. Yello. Hi, Homie. I feel much better. Listen, Marge... uh...

Mmm. Ah. Convinced that the good times would never stop rolling,

She certainly tamed that horse. But what man can tame her? I won't lie to you.

Ooh! McBain. Mm-mm-mm. McBain, you keep eating them hot links you never gonna make it to a pension.

I got my First laughs at yeshiva impersonating my father. Blah, blah, blah... Moses!

Walk? That wasn't part of the deal.

He's Wendell. I'm Lewis. Whatever. just tell Wendell I said bye. Somebody help me! I think I'm getting swimmer's ear!

Dangerous river crossings threatened life and limb, but helped our founding fathers save on bridge tolls. Excuse me. I didn't mean to startle you, but I do love to talk jebediah, even when I'm drinking my chicory. I'm the curator, Hollis Hurlbut.

Seedless melon! (LAUGHING) Shh. Don't ruin the moment. Oh, boy, free beer! Oh, man. (CHUCKLES) Easy, Barney. Easy. Remember the 12 Steps.

Oh, I can't go to a gay bar. I'm too fat. Moe, I'm going to help you reopen your bar, no matter what it takes.

I've got you clocked at two miles per hour. Come on, put that away. Those radar guns give you cancer. All the more reason to hurry up. Hey, what could be going 100 miles per--

Look! "Runaway Truck Lane!" We're saved! (TIRES SCREECHING) Oh, rats. (BOTH SCREAM) LISA: Ooh! (SIREN BLOWING)

there is something worse and it really does blow when A long-running series

Hey, there's our resident bull panda, Ping Ping. With any luck, folks, these two will become very, very close, if you know what I mean. Huh? Help! Mr. Burns! Aaah!

This is Fuzzy Bunny. About a year ago he noticed his voice was changing he had terrible acne and had fur where there was no fur before. He also noticed Fluffy Bunny.

Ah, I got you, my rumpy doppleganger.

Hold it, son. Wouldn't you rather have an exciting action figure? Ah, but only Batman fits in my Batmobile. Are you nuts? The Thing fits in there perfectly. Look. He's fitting right now.

Huh? What in the name of St. Ephisiocratus!

"Starland Vocal Band"? They suck! Death!

Hey, how come he gets meat and we don't? You wouldn't want what he's eating. It's mostly snouts and entrails. Mmm... snouts. Yes, I'm back.

Look, buddy. I don't care where you go, but you can't sleep here.

i call brutality on you. You have the right to remain-- All right, uh, "Simpson, Homer." - You're next. - Whoo-hoo! Howdy, gents. I'm here to collect my free-- Ow! Oh, my boating arm! What's going on! You're under arrest, slimebag.

are jolly, friendly blokes courteous aNd eaSygoing they mop up when you're overflowing and tell you wheN your asS is showing who can who can - who Can - who can

No Tommy Tune, eh? Oh, that's it! You insulted my honor! Your what now? I demand satisfaction! I challenge you to a duel!

Now, I'm not one to make trouble, but it seems to me that everyone who got to keep the old, or "classic," 636 area code... lives on the rich side of town! Oh, poppycock!

Oh! Oh, that's it. I'm gonna report this to me member of parliament. Hey! Gus! I got somethin' to report to ya! That's a bloody outrage, it is!

Bart, with these powers, we can become superheroes.

I think I'll just hit the hay. It's 12:30 in the afternoon. I'm aware of the time.

You're Snowball V. But to save money on a new dish, we'll just call you Snowball II and pretend this whole thing never happened. That's really a cheat, isn't it? I guess you're right, Principal Tamzarian. I'll just be moving along, Lisa, Snowball II.

because you feel bad you hurt your sister's feelings. Leave me alone. just look ! Okay, okay. Lookin' for the spot. Still checking. Oh, this is so stupid. I'm not gonna find anything.

Uh-oh. A cold wind. Hello, kids. Everything above the board here ? Good. Play friendly, children. Uh-oh, there's your bell. Come along, now, all of you. No dawdling, now. I'll get you after school, man. But-- No, no, no. He'll get you after school, son.

I think I come off very well. Monster! Run, children! Apu Nahasapeemapetilon, you have disgraced the Kwik-E-Mart corporation. But, sir, I was only following standard procedure. Ah, true. But it's also standard procedure... to blame any problems on a scapegoat or sacrificial lamb.

- Now, get me out of here! - What's that? You want the pee bucket on your head? No! You're twisting my words! Come on! We're taking over the school! That's it! Cinch it up around the neck.

Get in the corner. Hey, Dad. Can we get this, please?

Oh! Yes, of course. Yeah. Uh, she's behind that plant.

for whoever brings me the head of Colonel Montoya. Hmm? What? Oh. And by that I mean, of course, it's time for the Worker of the Week Award. I can't believe we've overlooked this week's winner for so very, very long. We simply could not function without his tireless efforts.

I'd say "transcendent." How about "groin-grabbingly transcendent"? Uh, I don't think so. We make a good team. A groin-grabbingly good team. 497, 498 words. Hmph. How about "Screw Flanders"?

No, I'm not Superman. I'm a judge. Why, just this morning I sentenced my 46th man to death. No, 47th. Wow, 47! I love you, Grandpa.

Garbage in garbage can. Hmm. Makes sense. Nighty-night, my sweet little foundling-a-dings. But it's only 7:00. Yeah! The sun is still out! Ohh!

substantial sums of money on sports gambling. Is it a crime to bet on sporting events ? Yes, it is ! Oh.

The Mc-what? Uh, McDonald's restaurant. I-- I never heard of it either, but, uh, they have over 2,000 locations in this state alone. Must have sprung up overnight. You know the funniest thing though? It's the little differences. Example. Well, at McDonald's you can buy a Krusty Burger with cheese. But they don't call it a Krusty Burger with cheese.

Mr. Burns will kill us all!

That's it! I can't live in a house with this prehistoric carnivore! I am out of here!

Ohh. i remember Little Vicki Valentine. Her perky smile and dancing brought America right out of the Depression. Well, I think World War II helped a little, Mom.

Run, Daddy! Run! Open the door, Maude! I don't have time for the secret knock! Oh! I'm panicking, Neddy! I can't work the knob.

has vanquished what little appetite I have! Warning! Warning! Dr. Smith refuses to do his astro chores. Why, you clattering clank of cogs and-- My dear lady, as you well know, my back is a disaster area. D'oh, the pain! D'oh, the pain of it all!

Oh, there's the Frisbee. (CHUCKLES) (GROANS) Concussion-diddily... Hemorrhage-doodily... Injury-bodily... Ned, you nearly died of a brain tumor. Thank goodness that bowling ball knocked it out of your head! (CHUCKLES) Welcome back, dawg.

Thank you for coming. Thank you for getting me out of work. I'll be blunt. Bart's latest escapade... goes far beyond the realm of the high jink.

You know, Smithers, I've always despised the laziness of the common worker. Then I realized his spirit was willing, but the flesh was weak. I replaced the flesh, which is weak, with steel,

That's show business for you. One day, you're the most important guy who ever lived. The next day, you're some schmo working in a box factory. I heard that!

I think he may have spotted us. Run! You two. Be careful! There's hydroelectricity in there! Oops.

What do I get? The job of industrial chimney sweep for a day! Whoo-hoo! Whoa!

Oh, God. This is always death. All right.

There's no way I'll get into an Ivy League school now. At this rate, I probably won't even get into Vassar. I've had just about enough of your Vassar bashing, young lady!

When I sent my first donation, the charity mailed me this video. Hi, Lisa. Thank you for your donation. Because of your generosity, I bought sturdy shoes that will last for a thousand sambas. Aw.

Apples! I got apples! Cholera! I got cholera! Babies! Who wants babies?

Ah-- Oh, my God. I gotta do something! Come on, transmit. Transmit! Save me, Chaka Khan, Chaka Khan!

When we arrive, there will be plenty of time... to chew the fat. Very good, Earth boy. Ooh ! Ah !

Remember my face. Ah, boy. Moe, the new Duff calendars are out-- the ones with your picture! Oh, boy! Move over liquor license.

Then I said, "I have the power." And the bucket came off. Cool. Can you heal me? I can't breathe good and it makes me sleepy. I'll give it a whirl, Ralphie boy. Devil, be gone. Ow!

I heard a wonderful saying today: "Forgive and forget." Yes, Son. At times like this, I just look at my bracelet. Good point, Dad. What would Jesus do? Jesus? I thought it was Geppettol Aw, phh-

Oh, Son, I'm glad to see ya! I went for the morning paper and I got lost! No time for you, old man.

Uh-- All right! just go ahead and sue me! Everybody else does! The average settlement is $68,000. I'm not here to sue you. My name is Astrid Weller. I own an art gallery, and I'd love to display your piece.

Ew! Ugh! What is it? It's a COW'S heart. They're tryin' to make a monkey out of you! Alison, is this supposed to be some kind of joke? I didn't do that. I made a different one.

Hell, yes ! Bart ! Hell, hell, hell, hell hell, hell, hell, hell Hell, hell, hell, hell Bart, you're no longer in Sunday school.

Please. For Mom's sake?

Huh? Ha-hal I did it! Whuh-huh? You saved my life.

Won't this overload the motor? Marge, can you set the oven to cold?

I'll get it. Aah. Mmm. Pedals, people. So, Lisa, do you have a date for the Harvest Dance?

Okay, we've got the secret vigilante handshake. Now we need code names.

Hey, look what was in here! A program from that guy's funeral. You mean Frank Grimes? Yeah, him. Whatever happened to that guy?

Captain, Klingons off the starboard bow. Again with the Klingons! Mr. Scott, give me full power. It's no good, Captain. I cannot reach the control panel. Movies! What a rip-off! I don't have to sit here and take this! I--

And? Lisa, your brother's obviously had a nightmare. Don't worry, honey. The scary part's over.

I guess Burns is finally gonna be rich. Not without the keys he isn't. Hey, you got the keys! Now we can get the treasure! Oh, what's the use? Burns would still find some way to take it from me. I can't believe you, Grampa.

Evenin', neighbor. Low on funds again? Yes, sir. Now, Homer, we can't have you burglarizing us... every time you got a bill to pay. I know, sir. I'm sorry, sir. It's just that you and Maude live like royalty in your fancy castle, while I got Marge trapped over there like a pig in a mud beehive.

Next week on The Simpsons: Don't forget, Dad. Tonight my class is having... an all-you-can-eat spaghetti dinner. Mmm. Spaghetti. But, Homer, tonight's our reception... for Queen Beatrix of the Netherlands. Oh, I hate having two heads.

Precious Venus. Thank you!

Bart Simpson. Bart Simpson. Bart Simpson, will you stop raising your hand? You haven't had one right answer all day. Sorry. This is for wastin' teacher's valuable time! Lay off, guys! He's with me.

N - Hello, campers! - How you doin"? Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. ts Mick Jagger and Keith Richards!

Come on. Let me cut you a brownie while they're still hot. Dad, I'm kind of edgy right now. I'd appreciate you not coming in my room screaming and brandishing a butcher knife. Why? Oh, right. The Sideshow Bob thing. Oh, I'm sorry, boy.

Such a mighty wallop. I got my magic bat off a piano. My sister let me use her wooden leg.

"H" is for Homer! Thanks, Homer.

(ALL GRUMBLING) Oh, my God! We're sealed in! Nobody breathe my air! Get your own!

Ohhh! Oh, dear! Hmm. Children, tell me when your father stops scratching himself. Kids? We'll tell you, Mom. All right, tie game.

Now, Mr. and Mrs. Simpson, the only houses I have in your price range... are in the neighborhood colorfully referred to as the "Rat's Nest." This one just came on the market. Oh, dear!

We kicked down the back door, but then there was a metal door. Yeah, all right. Listen up. This is the busiest drinking day of the year. Where are the designated drivers? Beat it! I got no room for cheapskates. Top of the mornin' to ye on this gray, drizzly afternoon.

Happy family. Happy family.

All the individual records... were set by crackpots who half killed themselves. The only way someone new can get in the book... is with some kind of group stunt. Group stunt? Like that town that made the world's largest omelet. Denver? No, Spanish.

You know, somebody needs to learn your green ass some responsibility.

Big ugly Homer! (GIGGLING SPITEFULLY) Oh, I'm sure it's a much nicer name than Homer. Er... Think, Homer. Think. YOUNG MARGE: What did you say? I'm Elvis! Elvis Jagger. Elvis Jagger Abdul-Jabbar.

Thanks, guys. This really cheered me up. Second Coming! Reload! Reload! Can we play now? You are playing. We're a team. Yea! Now, if there's anything, anything at all I can do to help out. Quit hogging Flanders. I want to comfort him.

Burn their poop.

That dog can sell anything.

Don't worry, kids. I know just what to do. jumanji! Does anything from the movies actually work?

A monster! Is this you? If it is, don't dial 911. Simply dial... 636-555-3472.

Well, we could tape two shows on Friday. Are you nuts? I can barely get through one show on Friday! Even with the... (INHALING) You know, smelling flowers? Such expensive flowers, filled with remorse. Anyway, we gotta book a guest host!

(ORGAN PLAYING) Marge is here all alone. I heard her son is Catholic now. Her husband, too.

that the papoose-- Oh, I'll be at Moe's, talking normal. Nelson? Leggings? No way. If my old man sees me in these, he'll kill me. You haven't seen your dad in years. Hey, today might be the day. Nelson?

Mr. Burns, you do this personally? It's a hobby. I'm not in this for personal gain. Are you acquainted with our state's stringent usury laws? Usury? Silly me. I made up a word that doesn't exist. What is the purpose of this loan?

Hey, Moe, this license expired in 1973, and it's only good in Rhode Island, and it's signed by you. Yeah, yeah, I've been meaning to get that updated... for this state and real. Now, let's see the poster boy for the new Moe-llenium! Hey-- They put a sticker over my face.

j A West End town A dead-end world) w' East End boys West End girls j

That bird touched my car. You know what to do. You’re gonna be drinkin' worms through a straw! Springfield's pro-darkness policy. .. has resuited in a spree of vandalism. .. unmatched since the Detroit Tigers. ..

What do you want? I just changed your diaper. Are you hungry? Are you cold? Do you want to go home? Lady, you just gave me the idea of a lifetime. How do I thank you? Don't hurt me. Consider it done.

Tell me one thing mankind's ever done that's any better. The Renaissance. This is better. Let's book 'em and roll. And that's the end of that chapter. You men saved my bank. I'd like to donate $40 to charity in your honor. But, uh, I don't know your names. Lance Kaufman.

I don't like the looks of those teenagers. Could this record-breaking heat wave be the result of the dreaded greenhouse effect?

They fight, they bite They fight and bite and fight Fight, fight, fight Bite, bite, bite The Itchy & Scratchy Show

Oh, great! I specifically asked not to be seated next to a baby. Wow! We must be really flyin' high.

And our saucy ship's a beauty We are sober men and true and attentive to our duty I'm called Little Buttercup Poor Little Buttercup Though I could never tell why

N-No. H-Help, help. I'm gonna die.

Take it like a man, boy, and do everything your little sister says. This is an outrage! I am two years and 38 days older than she is! This is the greatest injustice in the history of the world! Well, we have to run. I'm sure you kids will work things out. Good night. But-- uh-- uh--

There was no cane in Citizen Kane.

Don't worry, kids. I know just what to do. jumanji! Does anything from the movies actually work?

using Lisa's very own saxophone. Don't touch it! They can clone her from the spit. Good luck, Milhouse. And finally, an exciting announcement...

Good-bye my Coney Island baby Farewell, my own true love true love I'm gonna go away and leave you Ching, ching. You know, Reverend, this really isn't a hymn.

First, I hook this common VCR... into the security camera system like so. Then I insert this old videotape of us working... on a continuous loop.

He's dreamy. Oh, why did they have to screw up a perfectly serviceable wagon story... with all that fruity singing? I thought it was toe-tappin' fun. Singing is the lowest form of communication. Homer, you sing all the time.

Dear God! Warren, we've talked about you hogging the eyepiece. Sounds like the doomsday whistle. Ain't been blown for nigh onto three years. Tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk. Trouble a-brewin'.

I hereby confer upon you the name of Seymour Skinner... as well as his past, present, future and mother. Okay. And I further decree... that everything will be just like it was... before all this happened. And no one will ever mention it again... under penalty of torture.

You're doing it wrong! You gotta pet him hard so he can feel it. Look, look, look! The doggy sneezed! Ha! It thinks it's people. Oh, smoochie. Here, poochie, poochie, poochie!

- And she's trying to dump the body in a harbor! - Well, duh! And as a griM finale, she intends to drown that poor caged baby! Oh, what's happening? Where am I? And she's on drugs! Give me the drugs, Lisa. Dad, I'm not on drugs! I was just trying--

How long have you been back there? Three days. Nerd! Homer-- That isn't very nice. Marge, try to understand. There are two kinds of college students: jocks and nerds.

Well, if it isn't my arch nemesis, Bart Simpson, and his sister, Lisa, to whom I'm fairly indifferent.

I don't know what I was thinking last night. This'll take you a couple hours. I'm tellin' ya. I do work on the Krusty Show. Look at the credits. Bye-bye, kids! I'm Kent Brockman. On the 11:00 news tonight, a certain kind of soft drink has been found to be lethal.

I heard your dad went into a restaurant and ate everything in the restaurant, and they had to close the restaurant. My dad may have gained a little weight, but he's not some kind of food-crazed maniac. Ah! Oh! That's raspberry. Oh.

Crank it, Homer. You busted up that crack house pretty bad, McGonigle. Did you really have to break so much furniture? You tell me, Chief. You had a pretty good view from behind your desk. Ah, McGonigle eases the pain. You're off the case, McGonigle. You're off your case, Chief.

"Dogs mating on dining room table"? What are you doing with my children?

Absolutely. Aw. Mr. Skywalker. Homer, I think you know what to do. And i I Will always love you Shoot. I forgot my light saber.

What do you want? Surely there's no harm... in laying in the middle of a public street. Not the elephants!

Yep, this place is great. Someday, when Lisa and Bart get married, it'll all be theirs. Yuck! You mean when they marry other people. Okay, but I ain't payin' for two weddin's.

I have visited the future, and yes, it will. Okay, kids. Tonight's the big night. Now remember, the important thing is to just dance flawlessly. Excuse me. Why isn't my name in the program? It is, silly. You've got the most important part of all. "Curtain puller"? No one can see the show if the curtain isn't open.

Moe... wrecking Moe's bar? Uh-- What are-- I almost fainted, but then I didn't. What are you doing?

Destroy! Destroy! Hey, this is taffy. Police brutality!

My "H" has been stolen! Oh! That's how people knoW it's a Honda! What's the point of having a Honda if you can't show it off? Sir, if you'll just stop yelling at me, I'm sure I can find a replacement.

Here's a dog that's been trained to catch this red rubber ball. Oh! Somebody shoot it. Somebody shoot it. These specials get worse every year. I'll see what else is on. Hey, where's the remote? Hello? Hello? Stupid cordless phone. I'll try the old-fashioned model.

All right. All right. You win for now, but someday you'll rust! Rust, I tell ya! Dad. Dad? - You really wanna get rid of this trampoline? - Uh-huh. Observe. A bike lock.

I think you should give that a rest, Ralph.

the wrestling match of the century ! Today, Rasputin, the Friendly Russian-- Didn't he used to be the Mad Russian ? Yes. But I'm afraid the forces of history have changed wrestling, perhaps forever. And the challenger from the University of Heidelberg, Professor Werner von Brawn. That's Brawn with a "W."

Hello, Mr. and Mrs. Simpson? This is Detective Don Brodka from Try-N-Save security. That's right, Don Brodka. Your son, Bart, has been caught shoplifting. Uh-huh. Yeah, it's a shame, I know,

Lucite hardening. Must end life in classic Lorne Greene pose... from Battlestar Galactica. Best... death... ever!

has to mow the lawn in his wife's Sunday dress." There you go. I suppose you both have to sign this. I hope blood won't be necessary. I'm game if you are, Flanders. Good gravy, what have I done ? Keep your left arm straight, Bart. Rotate your shoulders. Dad !

What's going on? What happened to our crops? I picked 'em, juiced 'em and delivered 'em to every store in town.

Stop it, Homer! Oh...

Listen, we've been meaning to have a talk with you about your reviews. Everything's a rave. "Nine thumbs up"? What the hell is that? I've given out my share of bad reviews. The only bad review you gave was to a slice of pizza you found under the couch. It lost some points 'cause it had a Hot Wheel on it. Good lord, you're a critic!

Is your name Bart? Mm-hmm. What the-- Does your father know you're working here? It was his idea. In that case, I'll have a whiskey sour.

Squirt, squirt, squirt. Your lungs will thank me. Kids, you better take your last look at Uncle Artie.

Wait. Wait, Marge. I can't find your father. Oh, Homer.

They're like seals-- toss 'em a fish and watch 'em slap their fins together. Well, all's well that ends well. Good night, Marge.

And make lifelong connections to the world of organized crime. Hmm. Organized crime.

Why, Homer, your surgical incision is completely healed. I owe it all to my rewarding work with children. And not picking at it. Ah, yes, how is your day care center doing? Wonderful! Being with those kids gives me a high only morphine can top. - You got any? - Always with the morphine.

Hey, elephant, I got one word for you- Columbo! No, that's not it. Modesto! Daktari? Nintendo?

So I usually sneak a little meat juice into her vegetables. Wow! You're a real-life Martha Stewart. I mean, without the evil. May I? Mmm, yummers! Nobody's ever called my gravy yummers before. Mmm! You know what would be really nuts? A little rosemary.

I don't care. His mom doesn't care. Do any of you care? Nope, not me. I guess not. You all seem to be forgetting that I am Seymour Skinner. This is where I belong. You can't ask me to disappear because you like some other guy better. i gave half my life for you people.

He's a good boy now, and he's getting better, and sometimes even the best sheep stray from the flock... and need to be hugged extra hard. That's exactly the kind of crapola that's lousing him up. Hey, look at this. "I am a Wiener." He sure is.

Well, hello there, Ho-didilly-omi. Well, I'm afraid I'm gonna have to ask you to hand over that--

Oh! I'm panicking, Neddy! I can't work the knob.

Hey, look what I found. A novelty flying disk. Give it back! That's my novelty flying disk.

Turn that off. This could destroy our town. Look what happened to Hitler City, North Carolina. If they hadn't changed their name to Charlotte, they'd be sunk. Sir, conventions are pulling out of Springfield left and right.

(ALL EXCLAIM) Whose grave? Uh, the unknown soldier? Carry on. (SHOES TAPPING) Okay, it's time to win the love of these hateful morons. Step one, amass a vast media empire.

He should at least have the good taste to mince around... and let everyone know that he's... that way. What on earth are you talking about? You know me, Marge. I like my beer cold, my TV loud... and my homosexuals flaming!

I quit ! Oh, uh-- Gee, don't quit. All right then. Could you... give me a... handful of peanuts, - Maude ? - Oh, sure. Not those peanuts. The ones at the bottom. Oh, okay.

Oh, my. Well, so long!

Homer, I need your help. You gotta steal this car and wreck it for me. Steal? Oh, no, you got the wrong guy. You dropped somethin'. Come on, Homer. I'm one of your dearest friends. When everybody said... you were too drunk to drive that time, who gave you your keys? Oh. You did.

Well, you win. "Property of... "Hom-er... "J. Simp-son. Hands off !"

Fire, children! Hurry outside! There's no time to let today's lecture sink in! Why'd you do that? I won't stand by while you're glamorizing sass. Now those youngsters will throw their lives away...

Look at him squirm. You care to dance ? She wants you, Homer. Go for it, Homer !

Oh, Bart, that's really sweet. Just because I have Milhouse back doesn't mean I haven't learned a few things about being a brother. I think I'm gonna use this card right now.

And now, let's give a big Fort Springfield welcome... to Mr. Bob Hope! What's the mayor's name? Quimby. Beautiful. Hello, this is Bob "What the hell am I doing in Springfield" Hope.

Hi, Dr. Nick! Troy, would you like a glass of orange juice?

Copyright Pink Pony Productions. Visit us on the web at lisathemovie.com. Ah!

(PLAYING JAZZ MUSIC) (SCREECHING) (THUD) Coltrane! "Coltrane, you were with us only briefly "but we will always have the ride home from the shelter." And, um, I guess that's it. Amen.

Cartoon violence! Cartoon violence! Now I'm gonna find the real killers. Kids, that cartoon's not life-affirming. We're going to watch a show...

So long, suck-- Get out and stay out. Las Vegas doesn't care for out-of-towners. Take your money and go someplace else.

I'm afraid my recommendation is for Bart Simpson... to repeat the fourth grade. Repeat the fourth grade. Repeat the fourth grade. Repeat the fourth grade.

God bless you, Bart Simpson. I'd kiss you, but Doctor says I'm sick.

Oop. Is your name Bart? Mm-hmm. What the-- Does your father know you're working here? It was his idea. In that case, I'll have a whiskey sour. Oh, there's something unsatisfying about scrubbing these rocks,

Oh, why did I teach him that word? Quick. You gotta hide me from PBS. Their bloodthirsty pursuit is made possible by a grant from the Chubb Group. Give us the money! Elmo knows where you live.

Aw, I hate this hippie crap. And now, W-O-M-B, warm and safe radio, takes you back to the golden age of radio theater. It's The Itchy and Scratchy Hour. Presented by Hanson's Mustache Wax, the mustache wax Hitler doesn't use.

No, Dad! Shoot your way out! A bloody end for Homer Simpson... is just one of several possible outcomes, according to our computer simulation. Now, here's how it would look if the police killed him with a barrage of baseballs.

I'm more striking than lovely. You come with me. Come with Luigi. You don't want to sit with the rest of the scum. - I only consider you scum compared to Krusty. - Well, right. I can see that. I'll have the cannoli. You see how you scum.

And on Christmas. Yeah, Jesus must be spinning in his grave. We gave them our vitamin money. Hey, hey, hey. Shoo, you lousy freeloaders. Come back when you get some parents. In my long career, I've seen some pretty shabby things,

Marge, Bart, girl Bart, the one who doesn't talk, and the fat guy. How I loathe him! Ow.

"Dog on Fire." Ruff! Anyone order a hot dog? Look at him! And finally, "Baby With a Nail Gun." Aw. It's time to cast your votes. "Dog on Fire!" "Dog on Fire!" Do you hear voices?

Once you get a whiff of it You'll never want to roam The Duff brewery ! Capital City My home, sweet, yeah Capital City My happy-tall city it's Capital City - My home, sweet Doh !

There he is behind that shopping bag. A croissant? What the-- Oh, that's right. - They have breakfast at Tiffany's now. - Only till 11:00. So that's it. The crazy nut, he went and bought her a sloop!

Hey. We just got away with murder. And it was so easy! You know, I've never liked that little wiener Milhouse. No more murders! But you got to kill--

Well, this looks like a good place to set up camp. Wow! What a view.

Oh, dear! Now, here we have beautiful hardwood floors, track lighting-- What's that stench? Once you get used to the smell of melted hog fat, you'll wonder how you ever did without it.

Can I have something to go with my turnip ? Quiet ! When you work like a man, we will feed you like one. Now go to sleep !

Hmm. Well, as long as I'm here, I might as well kill two birds with one stone.

Uh-oh. (MUTTERING NERVOUSLY) (DONKEY BRAYING) What did you say about my mother! (YELLING)

Wow! Look at all the colors, man! Red, green, yellow, orange! I remember all of these! I'm freaking out! Hey, something's comin' back to me!

She'll make everything all right. I promise. Damned infernal gizmo. My kingdom for a left-handed can opener! Uh, Mr. Burns... Come on, Homer. Tell him about the store. I'm dying out here. Sorry, Flanders.

Well, this is the most important man on the tour. He's in charge of quality control. Fine. Fine. Mouse. Fine. Mouse. Rat. Fine. Syringe. Fine. Nose. Fine. Let me just say you're doin' a great job, Phil. Hey, thanks a lot. That makes it all worthwhile.

Look. A TV Guide owned by jackie O. Oh, you should see the crossword puzzle. She thought that Mindy lived with Mark. Give her a break! Her husband was killed!

pinchin' my belly to hear my girlish laugh. Hmm. That doesn't sound like they like you at all. You're right. First thing tomorrow, I'm gonna punch Lenny in the back of the head.

Brilliant. They transduced amplitude modulation... via the concavity of that oversized beverage conveyance. I mean, that is some clever "viving." All right, you kids, come down now. We promise we won't kill ya. Speak for yourself.

to protect his tiniest, most breakable creatures. And I've got to share that gift with the world. Ow! Get her out of here. Why you throwing tomatoes at yourself, huh? Why you throwing tomatoes at yourself?

Yee-haw! If I'd hit the "remorse" button one more time, I would have made it.

Yeah, it's real spruce. You like it? Thank God. Sir, I-- I only hope you can forgive me for shooting your wooden leg. You shot who in the what now? Okay, Smithers, you're free to go. And, you, one question. Do you know who shot Mr. Burns?

So long. I'm gonna sleep over at Ralph's. Oh! See, I knew you'd find something you liked about him. Oh, I found something, all right. After the beep.

Homer Simpson. I thought you dropped out. You wish, Dondalinger. That's Mr. Dondalinger.

Oh! (GROANS) Now Joe can't come within 500 feet of Mary. He also can't call her or burn his name in gas on her lawn. I'm going to let you in on a little secret. Joe is me. And Mary is a composite of 12 different women and a small independent film company,

(CHUCKLES) Look at me! I'm as straight as a $1 bill. La-dee-da! Ooh! (PIG OINKING) Do you, Cletus, take Brandine to be...

What corpse should we unearth, sir? I don't know. I feel like a kid in a candy store. Hello! An open grave. Smithers, get him out quickly. The stench is overpowering. Wait a minute, sir. That's Homer Simpson. He wasn't exactly a model employee.

Shh! Save me, jebus!

Workin' 9 to 5 what A way to make A livin' ...and when ye tallow hardens, we remove it from yon mold.

I'd love to stay, but I have an early meeting tomorrow. You're a super girl though. I'll call you sometime. Nine months later, I gave birth to Maggie. And now she must return home to Rigel VII...

- You know, I really think-- - Thank you.

"Quit throwing your garbage into our dimension." Mom, Dad, help ! Get out. Okay, boy, let's see you talk yourself out of this one. I can feel an evil presence in this house.

Bumblebee Man says "Muy bueno." And we were worried about the Latino market, huh? - Huh? Huh? Huh? - Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Worry. Come on. They can't all have loved it.

Oh, it's hopeless. Utterly, utterly hopeless. Oh, I see.

I can cut a trail through the snow. I'm part Eskimo. I don't care if you're Kristi Yamaguchi. No one leaves the building. This stinks. We'll miss the Itchy and Scratchy where they finally kiss. I don't care if they're kissing Kristi Yamaguchi. You're not going home! That's so unfair! This blows.

That didn't answer anything. I need more information. Would you like to see it again? Isn't there any way I can change my D.N.A., like sitting on the microwave? Not according to any movie I've ever seen. I'm afraid you're stuck with your genes, Lisa.

Okay, that's it. Let's get ready to meet our public. Well, that was disgusting. Worst ending ever. I think I'm gonna be sick.

forced to subsist on a thin stew made of fish, vegetables, prawns, coconut milk and four kinds of rice. I came close to madness trying to find it here in the States, but they just can't get the spices right.

Oh! I'm panicking, Neddy! I can't work the knob.

Approximately $56 million, sir.

Dad, are you hurt? I think my leg is broken. Slip and fall? Cant go back to work? I'm Larry H. Lawyer, Jr., and I will fight for you. I also habia espanoi So that's your answer. I'll sue the church. Homer, we cant sue the church.

a strong marriage built on a solid foundation of routine. Marge, I'm home! Where are you? Are you okay? I don't smell dinner. "Dear Homer." Ahh. "Sorry you didn't want to join me tonight. I left you hot dogs for dinner.

Are you the Beer Baron? Yes, but only by night. By day, I'm a mild-mannered reporter for a major metropolitan newspaper. Don't crack wise with me, tubby. Tubby? Oh, yes, tubby.

You see, it turns out I am an American citizen after all. Apparently, I just plumb forgot about it. Say, let's take a relaxed attitude toward work and watch the baseball match. The "Ny" Mets are my favorite squadron.

Oh, hi. As the Fox censor, it's my job to protect you from reality. And thanks to my prudent editing, tonight's special Halloween show... has been rated TV "G." This means there will be no raunchy NBC-style sex...

I've been working on the railroad all the livelong day Yeah, that's better. Oh, man, what a day. I'd kill for a beer. Uh, right away, sir. I-I-I don't want no trouble. Hmm. I'd stab somebody for a pickle.

Come on! Let's go in there and get the bear! Hah! I got it.

I know. Can you believe it? Oh, Manjula's just gonna die! How did you find out? In my role as customer, I saw the whole thing. Oh, this is so awkward. Today's the day we play badminton with them. Oh, I hope no one makes any double entendres.

I'm sorry, Marge, but sometimes I think we're the worst family in town. Maybe we should move to a larger community.

We're really lucky, aren't we?

Now, Lisa, everyone needs a blotch on their permanent record. Perhaps I'm not making myself clear. I think you should reconsider. Lisa, you're hurting me! Mrs. Krabappel, in figuring out my final grades, I hope you'll note that all of my textbooks are being returned... in excellent condition--

Okay, i hear that. i hear that, dudes! You too, Gracie music dude! Guh!

And with that, a mighty cheer went up from the heroes of Springfield. They had brought the sacred tree back to its native soil. And though Flanders was stuck with the impound fee,

"...Five dollars?! Get outta here."

Yeah, yeah, yeah... Hi, kids. Today's show's going to be the funniest, side-splittingest cavalcade of... Aw, the hell with it. Roll the cartoon.

She's got a set of lungs on her. Are you all right? That man took my diamond necklace. Don't worry. You're gonna be just fine.

This was a lovely idea, Homie. Come here and kiss me. Do not be alarmed. Continue swimming naked. Aw, come on.

Why, it's the AT-5000 Auto-Dialer, my very first patent. Ah, would you listen to the gibberish they've got you saying? It's sad and alarming. You were designed to alert schoolchildren about snow days and such. Well, let's get you home to Frinky.

Today I'm featuring mouthwatering pork ribs. Tuck in then. Oh. I gave a rib to Eve, and now she's gone forever. One whole rib and still standing. Well, aren't you the plucky one, sir? Come on! Oh, poor Eve. What are you doing out there in that horrible place?

Mr. Springfield, how can I hope to achieve such greatness? A noble spirit "embiggens" the smallest man.

I'm better than okay. I'm Homer Simpson. You wish.

Not this! Anything but this! Uh... What was that first one again? Oh! (MARGE SCREAMING) (SCYTHE SLASHING)

I'm Krusty the Clown, and I'm going to kill you. Didn't even pull the string that time. I said I'm going to kill you. You, Homer Simpson. Oh, yeah? With what? Aah!

And the only reason I gave you that stupid valentine is 'cause nobody else would! Watch this, Lise. You can actually pinpoint the second when his heart rips in half. And... now. Ohh.

Well, I just wanted to belong!

Ow! You call that a punch? I felt it, but it was like, "So what?" Oh! Again with the nose. I have a chin, you know? (GRUNTS) Don't worry, sir. The maid and I will take him out to the curb. Come on. Come on.

- God, it's him! - Come on, boys. Overpower it.

Okay, be that way! Be a big, stupid jerk! Oh! You're not the jerk. I am. Forgive me? Oh, like you're Miss Perfect! Mom, Lisa's making me feel bad!

We've come up with a camera so tiny it fits into this oversized novelty hat. Now go get us some incriminating footage. Remember, you have to get in and out in 10 minutes, or you'll suffer permanent neck damage. He's not kiddin'.

But if we change the Constitution-- Then we could make all sorts of crazy laws! Now you're catching on. What the hell is this?

Dr. Winslow. Why, who are you? I am an angel from the future. Angel? What the-- Should I cut him off? No. Let's see where this is going. And what do you have to tell us, O angel of the future? You're going to die in a skydiving accident.

Okay, we've got cocktail weenies and Swedish meatballS.

Woozle wozzle? What the-- That's what passes for entertainment these days? Woozle wozzle? Ladies and gentlemen, the Clown Show... has been put on hiatus for retooling. What happened? Oh, don't worry about that. You're just finished, that's all.

Daddy, how come you're not at work? I don't know. How come you're not at school? My teacher says she's tired of trying. Yeah, well, so I am, Ralphie. So am I. It's Bill and Marty on the line right now with Springfield's very own Fat Tony.

No, sir. I can assure you I'm not. I'm the little hell-raiser, sir.

See, Marge? Who needs a car wash when you can just drive around in the rain?

Wow, 25 puppies!

Whoo-hoo! This is the greatest day of my life! Ow!

What are you now, Lisa? An Oakland Raiders fan? It's called goth, eternally clueless one. My new name is Ravencrow Never Smiles. Cool. We can be goth together. We'll go to the cemetery and summon the dark lord by kissing and junk.

and The Decapitation of Larry leadfoot. For the next 60 minutes, we'll be seeing... actual film of car-crash victims.

A bargain, 'cause it smells like cat pee. And those beautiful women? They used to be men.

It's your fault I'm old ! I'm sorry. It's your fault I can't talk ! I'm sorry ! It's your fault America has lost its way. I'm sorry. It's all your fault ! I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry, all right-- sorry I came back here !

Mustn't crush, mustn't kill. Made it! Oh, I wish, I wish I hadn't killed that fish.

I could tighten my stranglehold on this dismal town! Yea! Yea! Well, now. Are there any objections? Probably Marge is gonna have some. Actually, I think it might really help our economy.

Oh, good Lord! What a week! Excuse me, sir. Yes? I'd like to buy all these toys for some needy children.

Or the Christ Punchers? The Christ-- I-- I don't think you understand my objection. I'm the president, and the decision is mine. We're Hell's Satans. Besides, I already made our club jackets. Whoa! "Machine wash warm." "Tumble dry." Ooh, la, la.

Approach, my sons. You may ask me three questions. That's great, because all I need is one. Are you really the head of the Kwik-E-Mart? Yes. Really? Yes.

- Oh. Uh, not a very good one? - Damn straight.

Dad's heading straight for the Museum of Swordfish! That museum has been nothing but trouble since it opened.

Cool! She'll be a freak. Bart! We can stick her in a trailer, drive her around the South and charge two bits a gander. Now stay tuned for professional wrestling live from the Springfield Grapplarium. Tonight, a Texas death match-- Dr. Hillbilly versus The Iron Yuppie!

Aren't you going to give him the last rites? That's Catholic, Marge. You might as well ask me to do a voodoo dance. Dr. Hibbert, I thought you'd located another kidney for Grampa.

"This year, give her English muffins." Whatever you say, Mr. Billboard! "Best in the West." It rhymes.

Oh, Homer J., how do you keep your hair so rich and full? Lather, rinse and repeat. Always repeat. Homer J., will you teach us to make love?

Kid Rock, that's not like you. And, joe C., would your mama want you stretching out that sweatshirt like that? No, sir. Please don't tell Mama. They called you a pig, Sheriff. Well, I don't care what they call me... as long as they play "Fist of Rage." That's a good song.

Well, la-dee-da, Mr. Park Avenue Manicure. I'm sorry. I believe in good grooming. You're not gonna grow nothin' on the old Simpson place. That's why your daddy abandoned it. Oh, what do you know? Well, I know your soil p.H. is up around 9.6, and you need it seven to eight max.

jamming till the Jam is through jamming's through, baby we're jamming I can't really remember that.

Ah, my high school yearbook. You handsome devil. "I can't believe I ate the whole thing."

Don't forget fat people. They can't stop eating.

about robots named Rod and Todd. Amen. Once there was a robot named Todd-- Did he have a brother? Yes, he had a brother robot named Rod, who was two space years older than him.

Wait. The bear-- Burns's bear. "Bobo." It's Mr. Burns's bear all right. Well, Burns isn't getting this back cheap. I can tell you that. He's gonna have to give me... my own recording studio. Two all-beef patties special sauce lettuce, cheese

If anyone wants to learn more about zinc they're welcome to stay. We can talk about anything. I'll do your homework for you. "Chef Lonely Heart's soup for one." One scratch and win, Apu.

You removed it from its original packaging! No! It's no longer a collectible! Oh! Oh! What a nerd.

Drugs aren't so expensive in other countries. In other countries, families also lie on the floor and eat bugs. What countries are those? - You ever been to Norway? - No. Well, they do it in Norway. And that's why I personally thank God we pay too much for drugs. I mean, the right amount. I mean, not enough.

We've all been blessed with privilege and success. Whoo! Privilege!

Oh, you like that, don't you, Punam? Yeah. Who's a clean baby, huh? Ah, now this is a happy family.

Come on, honey. You work yourself stupid for this family. If anyone deserves to be wrapped up in seaweed and buried in mud, it's you. Mmm. Well, all right. But I'm taking some of the ironing with me in the car. Tighten those braids, missy.

To ease this crisis, President Truman promised relief. American tax dollars will help our allies... who fought so poorly and surrendered so readily. To make good on this drunken boast, Truman authorized the onetime printing...

¡Ay, un gato malodoro!

No, Maggie ! Bad baby ! Keep her away from me, Marge ! She's got that crazy look in her eyes again ! So television's responsible.

Well, it was a long trip, but we're almost there. - Homer, did you remember to lock the front door of the house? - D'oh!

I don't see why I need a new driving license. My old one's just fine. Hmm, I have serious doubts about your skill behind the wheel.

Hello, work? This is Homer Simpson. I won't be coming in tomorrow. Religious holiday. The, uh, Feast of Maximum Occupancy. Pretty slick. You should join my religion, Moe. It's great. No hell, no kneeling--

One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me.

Ah, it's okay. There's no sugar in pixie sticks. - Trust me. - Okay. Hmm. Don't hog it all, smelly head! Go to hell, zit face! Give me that sugar! I'd like to propose a toast to the coming together...

Why, look. It's Chad Sexington! Hey, baby! I'm that guy you like. Barney? Wh-Wh-- Where's Chad? I--

See you some other time! Hyuk! Hyuk! Hyuk! Great show, Krusty. I really laughed when...

Thank goodness I still live in a world of telephones car batteries, handguns, and many things made of zinc. Gross! He's picking his nose.

Bart ! Bart ! Bart ! Bart ! Bart ! Bart ! You'll never go broke appealing to the lowest common denominator. - You're gonna miss your brother's antics. - When ?

Nelson, what are you doing? Real estate license exam. My ticket to freedom!

Hmm ! It was a beautiful service, wasn't it, Mr. Simpson ? Who the hell are you ? Lionel Hutz, attorney-at-law ! I'm the executor of Beatrice Simmons' estate. Mr. Simpson, Bea was a wealthy woman and, surprise, surprise, she left everything to you. Really ?

I'm sorry, honey. Geez, why is Lisa so mad at me? I only came to this dump so I could be with her. And what happened to my big sandwich?

Look what you've done. You wanted to be popular.

We'd always have walking bird on Thanksgiving, with all the trimmings. Cranberries, "injun eyes," and yams stuffed with gunpowder. Then we'd all watch football, which in those days was called "baseball."

That's so soft and thoughtful and-

D'oh! I love ya, boy. Ha-ha! You love a boy.

And for the tribute, I need a volunteer to present an oral report... on Principal Skinner's life. Miss Hoover, which one is "oral"? Out of your mouth, Ralph. Volunteers. - Thank you, Lisa. - No, Miss Hoover. I'm Ralph. I only need one volunteer, Ralph.

you'll do what I do and believe what I believe. So butter your bacon! Yes, Father. Mom, Dad, my spiritual quest is over. Hold that thought. Bacon up that sausage, boy! But, Dad, my heart hurts.

Under the sea There'll be no accusations Just friendly crustaceans Under the sea Ah.

Higher. Bye-bye, "fishies." Higher. Higher! I'm soaring-- Soaring majestically, like a candy wrapper caught in an updraft. Higher, Marge. Higher! It won't go any.

Chin up, Homer. We've gotta put an electrode there to ground the brain stem. Thank you. Good-bye, Marge. I'll always love you.

No way ! You can't give my dog away ! I'll set fire to my hair ! I'll rip up all my clothes ! I'll put sugar in the gas tank ! Bart ! I've suffered as much as anyone at the paws of this dog. But when I look into his vacant brown eyes, I just can't bear to let him go. I'm sure Mom agrees with me.

Tonight, we're here to honor America's favorite... non-prehistoric cartoon family. You'll see long-lost footage, never-before-seen material from your favorite episodes, old favorites you can't see in syndication.

Oh. Oh, there. Oh, Maggie. There.

Glad to "rake" your acquaintance.

Hey, Homer. You promised Mom you wouldn't wear your dress outside. Nuts to that. I'm goin' to the movies. Shouldn't you be working? I got someone to cover for me.

That's why we created Scarf-ables by Scammer and Z-Dog! These two spokes-rebels were invented by the marketing team that came up with Hip-Hopsicles, the urban Popsicle. Yes. I saw those when my normal grocery store was on strike. Well, here's what really seals the deal. (RAPPING) Yo, yo, yo! Slide your green Into the machine.

It's not working. Bart, you cast the wrong spell. Zombies! Please, Lise, they prefer to be called "the living impaired."

She threatened to cut off my allowance.

Mom? I think I'll have some wine.

Attention on deck! Captain Tennille wishes to address you. I'm a man of few words. Any questions? Uh, is the poop deck really what I think it is?

If you get in trouble, there's a switch... that makes the bow tie spin. Heh, nudist colonies are everywhere these days.

My father was a rabbi.

He can't admit he likes her till he's sure she likes him back. And there's only one way to find out. Does Rachel like Ned? It says I have cooties. Flanders has cooties! Flanders has cooties!

It blocks out all the external distractions that bombard our souls. Can you pee in it? I'll take two hours. Me too. You're about to take a journey into the mind. You may see and experience things that are strange and frightening. But remember, they can't physically harm you,

The little stupid differences are nothing next to the big stupid similarities!

Whoa! Whoa! Thank you. Marge, come here. Can you believe it? Soon, I'll be able to quit my job and live off the boy.

Well, if it isn't my good friends, the, uh-- Simpson family, master. Simpson, eh? Excellent.

Nonetheless, the people have spoken. But I'm afraid youll get hurt. Marge, this is a way to flush this killer out once and for all... and get drunk on a Tuesday. Today’s Tuesday, and youve had six beers. But I'm not drunk. ii

Wow, a clown. Do you think he's evil? He smells evil. Should we tell Daddy? No, let's poke him a little while longer. Hey, get away from him, you little freaks.

Come on, you stupid fish. Take the bait! Don't make me come down there!

Joe's Taxidermy. You snuff 'em, we stuff 'em. Boy, when I get home

Stop the clapping! You'll kill us all! Lisa's gone berserk. Do something, Homer. Do something!

Oh, my God! What's happening now? We work hard. We play hard. Everybody dance nOw

Thank you for coming. Thank you for getting me out of work. I'll be blunt. Bart's latest escapade... goes far beyond the realm of the high jink.

Okay, what can I get for 12-- count 'em-- 12 prize tickets? Two thumbtacks and a mustache comb. Or five rubber bands and an ice cube. What can I get for 8,000 tickets? A BB gun or an Easy-Bake oven. Hmm. Hot food is tempting.

Oh, Homie. That is so sweet. I had no idea, Dad. I just assumed with all the stranglings, you know- That my family isnt the center of my universe? Are you nuts? Then there's those other days...

Now don't you fellas worry. This'll all be over soon. And-- What the-- We gotta get rid of that window. Where'd he go?

Hello, Kent. Hello, Homer, my arch nemesis. Y'ello. Uh... you do realize who this is. Uh... Marge? No, Homer, I'm not your wife, although I do enjoy her pearls.

Five minutes, Krusty.

Whoa! Look at those mogambos! Hey, that's it! Mogambo! I came out ofthe elepharts mouth, right? Cause I already showered once today.

Ach! Back to the loch with you, Nessie.

Hey, boy, where're you going?

I'm better than you (AUDIENCE BOOING)

Springfield Stadium has caught additional seating capacity fever. Whoo-hoo. Go, S.U.! A&M is gonna kick your ivy-covered butts. Yeah? Well, you went to a cow college. Oh, you're only calling us a cow college 'cause we were founded by a cow.

But it's important to-- Listen! Yes, I know! But there's more to it than-- I have listening skills! Mr. Simpson, would you please-- Shut up, judge! Peek-a-boo! I see you! Peek-a-boo! I see you! I never heard Maggie laugh like that before. Well, when was the last time Dad gave her that kind of attention?

Oh, no problemo. Here's a nickel for the coffee machine. So this is my life.

Bart, I'm glad you're here. Milhouse could use a friend like you.

(GROWLING) (GRUNTING) Goodbye, Simpsons. You'll be back someday, Ling,

Finally, they'll teach our kids the dangers of doubling down on a six. I really shouldn't be here. I have a problem with games of chance. I played Candy Land with Maggie and ended up throwing vodka in her face. Aw, Marge. I bet you've gotten that out of your system. Bet? System? Betting system?

Where's your sense of humor, man ? Lisa, you'll be late for band practice. Let's go.

You're as crafty as a skunk

Hey, good to see you. Glad you could make it.

Oh, my God. My brother's my best friend! Oh, my God! My sister's my best friend!

What else do we have to do ? Let's check the list your mom left us. Eat. Mm-hmm. Oh, clean up. Don't worry, everybody. This will be a breeze if we all pitch in. All right ! We're clean !

Okay. She lives at 1 Ocean View Drive.

A bug, I tell you! A bug!

Way to go, Dolly. Thanks, babe. Will you go out with me? Oh, look at the time. I better scoot to that halftime show. See y'all! Man, that's gonna be some show.

Thanks, Moe. Drinks all around ! What's with the crazy getup, Barn ? I got me a part-time Job working as a Santa down at the mall. Wow ! Can I do that ? I don't know. They're pretty selective. Do you like children ?

Okay, honey. We're almost to Palm Corners. There'll be nothing to do but lie on the beach and relax. Spring break! Spring break! Spring break! Oh, no! We came during spring break!

A little to the left. Ahh, that's the stuff. Oh, I'm sorry the phrase is "KBBL is gonna give me something stupid." Pretty weird. Let's try one more number.

You want to help me? Well, haven't you heard? He's the new Homer. He's wonderful. I'm trying to get a refund for this ticket. Is this the executive office of the ball club? No. This is the equipment shed. Oh. Well, is that it?

- No. - Wankers. Now, Homer, I hear Ray Patterson is a fine public servant. Why should the people of Springfield-- Springfield! Springfield! Why should they vote for you? That's a good question, Bono.

Ohh! Is that enough? Two more bites!

Despite the sweltering heat, don't unroll your windows, 'cause those monkeys seem confused and irritable. Hee-hee-hee! I pity those poor suckers on the freeway. Gas, brake, honk. Gas, brake, honk. Honk, honk, punch. Gas, gas, gas.

Ever wonder how crackers get salted? Have I! Wow! Crackers, ho! I never knew cracker production could be so exciting! But where do they make those crackers with the peanut butter already inside?

Snow covers all. Pure, white snow.

I'm about to die. Oh... Barney, you saved my life. Chloe, when you left me, I was devastated. But I sobered up long enough to become a pilot. With you beside me, I think I could make it work.

Keep that plague coming, Moses. Frogs away! We spent all our money, but it was worth it. Now he's gotta let us go! Mmm. Mmm! These are the juiciest frogs I've ever eaten. Mmm! Ra has rewarded my cruelty to the slaves.

It could be in your house. You could be looking at it right now. It could be right in front of your face as I'm saying this, waggling back and forth,

Oh, no! This isn't a divine miracle. Everyone's just gettin' goofy from the gas.

No, act like a lion! Swipe at the dominant male! Come on, Ned! Knock that monkey down!

Just take it from the top.

To who? You know that rattle when you shake up spray paint? That's a kid's tooth. Maggie's teeth are coming in crooked. Has she been sucking on a pacifier? - Uh... not to my knowledge. - Liar!

Anyway, other people need to use the phone. Mm-mmm. I've already talked to her for 20 damn minutes. Hmm? Oh! You're all right. Shh.

Mmm! Now, what do you have to wash that awful taste out of my mouth? Mountain Dew or crab juice. Oh, geez! I'll take a crab juice.

Will you children stop tormenting me! I've done nothing wrong. Give it up, Bob. We found the money. Where did that come from? I've never seen that money before in my life.

I'm just saying we could blow all our money... on a stupid little street, but-- Oh! I ain't fer it. I'm agin it! Main Street! Main Street! Main Street!

Really? Wow? Bart, you said you were going to study.

look them straight in the eye and say, "Don't eat me." Okay. Since so many students have been put on permanent detention-- we've merged everyone into a single class. I trust there are no objections.

And there's that awful script from The Cable Guy. Lemme see. Stupid script! Nearly wrecked jim Carrey's career! YOu-- I'm gonna-- What?

Oh, yeah. My old friends, right next to my heart. Hey, such a filthy habit. Who asked you? Father? Son. Papa! Herschel! Daddy! Boychick! Oh, Daddy! You're on, Krusty.

If you're happy and you know it shop at Stan's Giant discounts on your favorite major brands Attention, shoppers. The mall is now closed. Okay, folks. You heard the recording. Clear out. Quick. Up here.

Ah! My. She seems too good to be true. I'll say. Her butt waxed the bannister. Ooh! I can see myself.

Hello! Stop saying "hello"! Okay, calm down, Lisa. D.M.Y. What's D.M.Y.?

Please, Homer. Why do I always have to be the bad guy? All right, all right. Young man, since you broke Grampa's teeth, he gets to break yours. Oh, this is gonna be sweet. No, no, no! Ohh. Bart, we're sending you to bed without your supper. Yeah, right. Like you're gonna let me go hungry.

Now, how are we going to get my Homie back? I'll kidnap him for 50, deprogram him for 100, and I'll kill him for 500. No, no, no. just the first two. All right. I'll throw in the killin' for free. Yea! Here comes the Leader!

(GASPS) Homer, did you steal the organ from the church? Maybe. We don't know that for sure. Well, you gotta take it back. After the party. (PLAYING)

Yeah I tip my hat to the new constitution Take a bow for the new revolution Well, Marge, looks like your insane experiment is over.

Hey, Ma. I'm gonna get me a picture of this crazy critter. Ah! Uh, no flash photography, please.

"Me so sorry. Ah, so."

Well, your training wheels come off your bike. Good. That's good. The training wheels come off your bike you start to notice boys you like... Uh-hee-hee-hee...

All right! ANNOUNCER 2 ON TV: Congratulations to our winning father and son team, who will receive a free appetizer at Fuzzy Zoeller's Green Jacket Steakhouse. "And you won't be teed off when you come in "because our steaks are cooked to par-fection. "Our leader bar is filled with scrumptious..."

ts time to re-illuminate! Mr. Mayor, you cant flip-flop on this. We'll miss the meteor shower.

(LAUGHS) (TIRES SCREECHING) Seen it... Bad... Boring... Saw it on the plane... Rerun... Rerun... Telemundo... Me... Turned it down... ABC... Banned from the set... Lame... Lame... Regis... (GROANS)

I'll miss you, Krusty-- I and all the other Sideshows-- except Sideshow Bob. But, in the midst of our sorrow, we can take comfort in the fact that your elevated blood-alcohol level... probably helped you burn up quicker. Since you left us no earthly remains,

Now, uh, pizza's working well on Thursday. But I think the kids will follow it to Tuesday. That's what you said about the stuffed peppers, and you lost the young males! Principal Skinner, the school's on fire! Spread, spread, spread!

You might remember me from such self-help videos as... Smoke Yourself Thin and Get Confident, Stupid.

But I'm going to have to ask for a thousand-dollar retainer. A thousand dollars? But your ad says, "No money down." Oh, they got this all screwed up.

- What does the "I" stand for again? - Oh! "On this spot, Richard Nixon bowled back-to-back 300 games." Yeah, right. Wow, the president's bathroom.

And "penis" is Russian for-- Moe, we want our bar back! Yeah, this place is crazy! All these beautiful people make us feel like losers. You'd be having a great time if you'd stayed in your dark spot. Oh, so you're ashamed of us. Well, you've turned into a big phony! Hey! Nobody calls Moe St. Cool a phony!

Mmm. He was so young. Oh, so sad.

Got any messages for jimi Hendrix?

Who does he think he is, anyway ?

Hey, who's driving the bus? Ooh! Una momento, por favor. Foolish Earthlings. Frightened of a creature that does not exist.

Good-bye, my Coney Isle-- Good-bye, my Coney Isle--

Perhaps you'd like to bounce it. What's this? It's for the school diorama competition. You're finished already? But the competition isn't for weeks. Lisa, we're talking dioramas. Who could wait?

Ooh! Looks like we're almost ready for the kickoff. Washington kicks. Oh, it's a bad kick, way too short. Buffalo starts in excellent position. Buffalo's going to win. Lisa hates me. What did you bet? My daughter. What a gambler.

And I don't think you understand that. And now, to sing Amazing Grace, Miss Maggie Simpson.

Under my skin HOMER: I've got you Deep in the heart of me FEMALE SINGER: So deep in my heart You're really a part of me

Ooh, gummi bears! Gummi calves heads! Gummi jawbreakers!

Don't worry, Marge. I'll find out what he's up to. Kids shouldn't have secrets. Oh, hello, young man. Beautiful day for digging, isn't it? - Yep. - Yeah. Uh-- - Digging for anything in particular? - Nuh-uh. So, I guess you wouldn't mind...

Oh, warm, wooly rock, you're my only friend. (ROARS) (EXCLAIMS) (ROARING) We're big! We're big! Which you mountain lions find terrifying!

Throw this bum out.

f Thunderclap f f Homer Screams f f Homer Screams f

Smithers, I think I'm in love! Hah! With this sculpture. Sir, that's by Homer Simpson. I don't think you want to buy it.

Hey, what the-- Oh! Everybody-- Everybody get naked!

Please! Please!

Well, it was written in 1845. Maybe people were easier to scare back then. Oh, yeah. Like when you look at Friday the 13th, part one. It's pretty tame by today's standards. Children ! Bedtime ! I guess I'll have no trouble gettin' to sleep tonight.

Stop it, Homer! Oh...

In fact, you might even say we just ate Uter, and he's in our stomachs right now!

Homer, do something about this leak.

The Simpsons have entered the forest.

Could this be the best day of my life? Coming up next, an hour-long episode of Mama's Family. Yes! We'll take good care of your boy, Simpson. Enjoy the miracle of creation! Shut up, Flanders. So, kids, what do you wanna play?

Ha, ha! You're not dead yet, you pudgy little pisher. jack La Lanne! Don't worry. I'll save you the jack La Lanne way!

I hate it when the waffles stick together. Sticking together is what good waffles do.

(SOBBING) Mozart, you can't die. (MUSIC STOPS) I don't want to live in a world without the income you produce. (SOBBING)

Hey, champ, ready to take the plunge? You know I'm not. We had a long discussion about that where I clearly indicated the coldness of my feet. Happy 50th anniversary, Seymour.

Hmm. Doughnuts? I told you I don't like ethnic food.

And that "little while" is now eight years and counting. Anyway, Bart had just entered the terrible twoS. i am so great i am so great everybody loves me I am so great Hello? Honey? Honey, honey, honey? Everybody loves--

You certainly broke up that meeting. Right now I'm thinking about holding another meeting... in bed.

Should we take our hidden camera? Would you? Let's go, Phil.

Here she is! Isn't that cute? She's coughing.

Hmm. "Beer goggles. See the world through the eyes of a drunk!" Wow! You're charming the pants off of me. What did you say, Aunt Selma? I said take off those damn glasses!

Ha-ha! ¡Ayayay! ¡Que curiosidad! - Ooh. - Ha... ha.

No. Well, it's a lot. Your father had to take a second job. Poor guy. Where's he working? The Kwik-E mart. I hope you realize that your father can't keep this up. You're making me give up Princess?

Sorry. This policy only covers actual losses, not made-up stuff. Well, that's just great.

And later, I'll teach you the tricks of the trade-- taping your swimsuit to your butt, petroleum jelly on your teeth for that frictionless smile, and the ancient art of padding. Are we done?

Fire! What do I do? What do I do? Oh, the song, the song. When A fire starts to burn there's A lesson you must learn Something something then you'll see you'll avoid catastrophe

Uh, Krusty. Hang on, kid. I got a tack in my head. That's one of your posters. I got all the Krusty stuff.

Dr. Marvin Monroe's Family Therapy Center. Huh ? What ? Honey, aren't you going to work today ? Oh, I don't think so. Honey, you have a problem, and it won't get better till you admit it. I admit this: You better shut your big yap. Oh, you shut up. No, you shut up ! No, you shut up !

"D'oh." Sorry, M.B., but I'm having trouble with this character. Is he supposed to have some kind of neurological impairment, like Rain Man or Awakenings? I mean, what the hell am I doing here?

Hey, you want to split this? Wow. It's been so long since I've been with someone who doesn't know what a selfish pig I am. Mine. Move your hand. I get this. Hey, my name's Ray. Ray Magini.

Hmph! Friends with mutants. Right! Now that's the Marge I married.

Good-bye, Adil. I'll send you those civil defense plans you wanted. Air France, flight dix-neuf cent quatre-vingts huit, Paris to Springfield is now arriving. Look, Mom. There he is !

There's no monster, you big scaredy. Scaredy got scared!

Thinking is for losers.

Sweet dreams, Smokey. Ow! Animal tranquilizer!

Eh, doesn't ring a bell.

Well, I don't care. It's my decision. Springfield was shocked today to learn it will host the next Olympics. Economists predict our city will experience the same boom... that Sarajevo enjoyed after the 1984 Games. And it's all because of your letter, Lisa. Well, actually, I just wrote it for a school assignment.

Well, I know it's absurd, but I dreamed the bogeyman was after me, and he's hiding-- Bogeyman! You nail the windows shut. I'll get the gun. Bart, I don't want to alarm you, but there may be a bogeyman or bogeymen in the house.

Uh, i-i know Weinstein's parents were upset, Superintendent, but i-i was sure it was a phony excuse. I mean, it sounds so made-up. "Yom Kip Pur." Sir, you've got to come quick!

No offense. Ah, what the heck. Let's hit the road. Shove over, junior. That thoughtless destruction will surely bankrupt the museum, old chum.

Hi. Is Milhouse home?

Now, this baby is called the "Withstandinator."

Well, here I am. "11905 Dead Weasel Road." I don't see any apartment building. I just-- Hey! Wh-What's going on?

Well, what you didilly-doing, neighbor? Putting speed holes in my car. Makes it go faster. Is that so? Well, gee, maybe the old Flanders mobile could use-- Aah!

Oh, I'll never mock the Coast Guard again. You Navy rejects are all right. Mr. Simpson, give me your license.

All right! Food! Bart! Leave some for Rod and Todd. Here you go, lad.

And, babe don't you know it's a pity That the days can't be like the nights In the summer, in the city Oh, crap!

Well, if we wanted to live forever, we wouldn't have become ushers. Stop the madness! Start the movie!

Why, you-- Wha-- What the-- This is Wiggum reporting a 318-- waking a police officer. This is the Murder House? Mm-hmm. You mean the infamous Jealous jockey Murders?

This brand new $300 million stadium was completed just one short week ago. And it's scheduled for demolition early next month. America's priorities are a joke. Now,

Ah! Remarkable. Stupid books. Hey! A cupcake.

Homer, I know where Ray is. Oh, thank God. Where is he? Tell me! Sweetheart, your friend, Ray is in your head. Ray wouldn't fit in my head. He's a human man. (SIGHS) You have to understand. Ray doesn't exist.

Here but now they're gone Seasons don't fear the reaper Nor do the wind the sun or the rain We can be like they are

Who is it? It's your sons, George Bush Jr. and jeb Bush. Come outside, Dad. Oh, good. Bar! The boys are in the front yard. They'll help me think of a plan to get those Simpsons. Oh, George! Is that all you ever think about? The boys probably just want a letter of recommendation.

You don't have the guts.

I now pronounce you husbands and wives. We are so dead. Ladies, we want to do the honorable thing, so breakfast is on us-- with full waffle bar privileges. But first, I'm afraid we have some bad news.

You have robbed us of our dignity.

Motion granted. Case dismissed! Whoo-hoo! All right. We got lucky that time. But I want everyone in this family to raise your hand... and promise not to break the law for one full year. We promise.

Kids, meet your new foster family. We love you! Uh, please don't hug me. It sickens me. I don't judge Homer and Marge. - That's for a vengeful God to do. - Mm-hmm. All we wanna do is give you kids a good home until they get their act together.

Hi-yo! Hi-yo! Got your nose. Got your wallet. No! Bart, don't you ever do that again. Understand? Beep. Guess what, Homie? There's going to be...

What were you guys smokin' when you came up with that? We were eating rotisserie chicken. Can you just read the line, please? Ruff, ruff. I'm Poochie, the rockin' dog.

Batten down those cowlicks. Straighten that part. Uncross those eyes, mister. But I can't! Oh, sorry, Quigley. Come on, honey. Smile! I bet you've got a beautiful smile. Why don't you share it with the world?

Aah! My vision. That's it. Show's over. Good night, Springden. There will be no encores. They were only on for 20 minutes.

Ah, the old folks. It happens every heat wave. Okay, people, out of my freezer! But we're hot and elderly! I'm sorry, these are reserved for the recently deceased. Hmm. Don't you go too far.

I found out we're the laughingstock of the town. Oh. Well, that's bad news for Dingbat Charlie. He's gonna be crushed. I thought our tennis court was bringing us a little respectability. Instead, people make fun of our lousiness. Okay. Now, some of that is me. All of that is you.

Over here, Simpson. The detention room is dangerously overcrowded, so you'll be serving your time in the cafeteria. Oxygen running out. You should've thought of that before you made that paper airplane. This overcrowding in detention is becoming critical. It's a powder keg waiting to go off in an explosion of unacceptable behavior. Don't bitch to me, boss man.

Shut up! Screw you guys! Lousy "F" Series frilly, girlie, fruity car. Where's your keys? I'm taking your car to work. You cashed in your 401(k) to buy that stupid Canyonero.

Oh, man, what a day. It's no cakewalk being a single parent, juggling a career and a family like so many juggling balls. Two, I suppose. Daddy, these rubber pants are hot. You wear 'em until you learn, Son.

so if you don't mind telling me-- Good heavens! Th-This is a palace! H-How in the world can you afford... to live in a house like this, Simpson? I don't know. Don't ask me how the economy works. Yeah, but look at the size of this place. I live in a single room above a bowling alley...

Here you go, darlin'. Normally, we don't allow children in here, but your father was so insistent. He's tough but fair. I'll start sorting these bras. That's a bit advanced for you, but I know a stopped-up sink that needs some attention. just glad to be on the team.

This is an egregious miscarriagement of taxitude. Oh, this is bad. This is really bad. You work and you slave and you steal just enough... for a sweet lick of that shiny brass ring. DOn't I get a lick? Doesn't Gil get a lick? Simpson, Homer J.

Nothing's changed.

9-1-1. This better be good. I cut off my husband's thumb. Attempted murder? You'll burn for this-- burn in jail! It was an accident! Yeah, yeah. Save it for Dateline Tuesday. Uh, what's your address so I can come arrest you?

Bart Simpson. Way to go, Bart! I can't express how I feel in words, so I drew this picture. These stink lines stand for dedication, caring... and for letting me drink coffee in class. Way to go, Edna! Yes! Yes! Way to go!

"Mayor Quimby, Disco Stu, "and our fighting men and women overseas." Well, I've finished the thank you's. Time to go back to the novel.

Well, we're still welcome in North Dakota and Arizona. Arizona smells funny. North Dakota, here we come.

Look, Maggie. It's a pop-up. "Daddy's made a shiv. "Can you help him ice Johnny Shakes, the jailhouse stoolie?" Uh, ew. Hey, let me read it to her. "Johnny's friends get some payback on Daddy while he's sleeping." Daddy's on fire. Daddy's not on fire.

Behold the rarest of the rare, the mythological two-headed hound, born with only one head. Ooh, and here, out of the mists of history, the legendary esquilax, a horse with the head of a rabbit... and the body of a rabbit.

I don't know why I ever sold you to him. Okay, those berries are poison. Those leaves are poison oak. And your belt is a snake, also poisonous. I'll tell you what's poisonous, your attitude. You know these... (GROANING) I'm dying!

Here comes the flying saucer. What's wrong with Stinky? She's teething. Look. Her very first baby tooth. Aw-- Ew! Disgusting.

(IMITATES STAR SHIPS) (IMITATES LASER GUNS) (MOANING) Barney... I love you, Chloe. And I love you, too, brake fluid.

So, how was the office birthday party ? Oh, it was delightful. The frosting on the cake was this thick. And Eugene Fisk-- my poor sucker of an assistant-- didn't know the fruit punch was spiked... and he really made an ass of himself...

And now it's time for another episode of-- Honey, I'm home. Oh, I got wax in my ears. Better clean 'em. Hah? Hah? This goes on for 12 more minutes.

Let's rock Do the mental house rock Whoa! Wow! A '50s nostalgia cafÉ. If you won't dance with the doc

This has been a Bart-toon presentation. In association with Ay Carumba Entertainment. Why that little--

Krusty! Mom! I just saw Krusty! Yes, dear, in your mind. No, on the street.

Wait. Where's my water? Oh, there it is. All right. Hello. I'm a real person. And as a real person, I've made some humorous observations about real life. For example, have you ever noticed how there are two phone books, a white one and a yellow one?

Brilliant. They transduced amplitude modulation... via the concavity of that oversized beverage conveyance. I mean, that is some clever "viving." All right, you kids, come down now. We promise we won't kill ya. Speak for yourself. Bart, get down here! I'm gonna spank you back to the Stone Age!

Come on, Ned! Move this thing! I can't! It's a Geo! Hmm. I guess he didn't see me.

I bet the eight ball didn't see that one coming. Yeah.

Now let's bring on the men!

I'd like to publicly congratulate Homer Simpson on his recent charity work. I live to give. That's beautiful. We appreciate the kisses. Now, let us bow our heads in a silent prayer of thanksgiving.

Sorry, girl. I don't wanna get in any more trouble down here. I'll pick you up on the way home.

Lisa, stop the racket. I'm trying to fix your mother's camera. Now, easy. Easy. Hmm. I'm gonna need a bigger drill.

It's a tool that every home handyman needs. It's a jigsaw. It's a power drill. It's a wood-turning lathe. It's an asphalt spreader. It's 67 tools in one ! How much would you pay for a machine that can do all this ? One thousand dollars. Oh, sorry. Oh, don't answer yet. Because you also get-- Hey, I was watching that ! It's time for Krusty.

I'll get right to the point. I'm getting older, fatter and uglier. Please, Marge, help me find a man before it's too late. Well, I'll try.

Ah. home sweet home. Now to watch some TV. (RAT SQUEAKS) Oh... You poor soul. You think that rat is a remote. Here. What? Five bucks?

If you survive, please come again.

like my loafers former gophers it was that or skin my chauffeurs but A greyhound-fur tuxedo would be best so let's prepare these dogs kill two For matching clogs

Yeah? What is the mind? Is it just a system of impulses, or is it something tangible? Relax. What is mind? No matter. What is matter? Never mind. Thanks, Dad. Good night, Son.

- Hey, mister. Do you need some help? - Let him go, Ralph. He knows what he's doing.

Oh, my demo tape! "Can I Borrow a Feeling?" "Can I Borrow a Feeling?" It's your picture on the front.

I gotta wait in line with nobodies... to buy groceries from a failure! It doesn't matter how you live or what you did wrong. As long as you're on TV, people will respect you. Respect? Pah! What good is respect without the moola to back it up? Everywhere I go I see teachers in Ferraris--

It was a gummi bear. Coming up next, "The Flintstones Meet The jetsons." Uh-oh. I smell another cheap cartoon-crossover. Bart Simpson, meet jay Sherman, the critic. Hello. Hey, man, I really love your show. I think all kids should watch it. I suddenly feel so dirty.

moments before he was shot in the head. Cleaning graffiti off a statue makes a mockery of everything I stand for. I don't think I can survive here, Lise. That's how they want you to feel. But if you just hang in there, they'll eventually accept you. Get to work! I wanna see my face in that horse's ass!

So I get this big chunk of cinder block-- Oh, gotta go. Innocent!

Oh. Oh, right. Well, kids usually pick these things up from someplace. Find out who's doing it and direct them to the Bible. Where in the Bible? Uh... page 900. But, Reverend... Damn Flanders. Hey, Lise, a moment of your time. Yeah?

Hey. You did it! You got it back! Thanks, Dad.

Now it's heading for the church! Don't worry. I planned for this.

You don't have the cobbles.

There. That's the last condom wrapper. Oh, I renew my objection to this pointless endeavor. Informally now and by affidavit later, time permitting. Shut your word-hole! We gotta get this place clean for the air show.

Ooh ! Krusty, would you please turn your attention to Exhibit B. Uh-- Tell me what you see. Uh, uh-- Which one do you mean ? The one with the big "B" on it.

Hello, this is Bob "What the hell am I doing in Springfield" Hope. Hey, how about that Mayor Quimby? He's some golfer! His golf ball spends more time underwater than Greg Louganis.

But it would be funny to someone who was watching us. No, Mom. He's right. Observe. Ow! Oh, my. Lisa, go to your room.

Fifty bucks. What? Who's stupid now, huh?

I cant read porno by candlelight! Who am l- Abe Lincoln! I say tear them limb from limb! Look. Huh? Oh, wow! ts so beautiful. I'm not angry anymore.

I'm in over my head here.

What great men he would join-- John Marshall, Charles Evans Hughes, Warren Berger-- Mmm, burger. And what if we don't? Then there's no telling how low he can sink. All right, ladies.

Oh, Homer, you're as smart as you are handsome. Hey! Oh, you meant that as a compliment.

All right! Special holiday meal. Where do you want these beef hearts? On the floor. It doesn't look very clean. just do your job, heart boy.

There's Homer. There's Homer too. That's also Homer. That's Homer!

Aw. Bart, honey, would you like some more cod liver oil? Yes, Mom. I thought I was regular before, but I was wrong.

Hey, no one manhandles the bosom chum of Nelson Muntz! Spring forth, burly protector, and save me!

I don't know. "You are a real winner." Phew! That fortune really nailed me and my winning ways. "You will take a short sea voyage." Arr! I'll enjoy that.

You're charming the pants off of me. What did you say, Aunt Selma? I said take off those damn glasses! Oh! This looks like fun. A bench. Kids, what do ya say... you go get your Aunt Selma a beer smoothie? A beer smoothie? Not again.

Uh, if you two country hens are finished clucking... I'd like to buy a copy of Jugs s Ammo. Well, weve settled that argument. You cant read a magazine and drive. Look, Junior, I expect this to be fixed with quality GM parts.

Hmm. Hmm, hmm, hmm.

Here you go. Whoo-hoo! Who's laughing now? Eh, shut up.

Homer! Hey, I'm not dead yet! Save me, Marge! I saved you! Why don't you have the colonel's wife save you? Oh, Marge, that's in the past. just let it go.

Please, If we could just stick to Principal Skinner. Chief Wigham, I am merely a conduit for the spirits. Willie Nelson will astound his fans by swimming the English Channel. Really? Willie Nelson?

Jonah! Oh! You died the way you lived-- inside a whale. Hmm.

Wow. The Who! Whoo! Rock and roll! What the hell are you doing? Duh! Trashing the hotel room.

The hell with this.

The preceding program contained scenes of extreme violence... and should not have been viewed by young children.

What the hell are you talking about? All of us pull a few boners now and then-- Go off half-cocked, make asses of ourselves. I don't want to be hard on you but I wish you wouldn't curse in front of my boys. Oh, come on now, Flanders. I don't complain about your...

Bart, come over here. What ? - You little monkey. You're a little monkey, aren't you ? - Yes, sir. Bart, do that thing you do that's so cute. What ?

Hey, Moe. You got change for a five? Yeah, sure thing, Lenny. A snake in the cash register!

And then a knife flew at my head! And you were there, and you were there. Uh, Grampa, maybe I should moisten your washcloth. It's plenty moist! Listen! Monty Burns is trying to kill me, and it's all because-- Uh, um, I can't tell you why.

If I could give you my heart, Homer, I would. Shut up, Flanders.

Huh? Arr, Matey!

Who's gonna clean up all those jets? There goes the clothesline. Well, those ivory-tower eggheads have screwed us again. Let's just have some milk and go to bed. Hey. This milk's broken.

Hello! Hello! You have my pills!

JJ What are you screaming about? Did you discover my snake farm? Cause I can explain. - I'm going to farm and sell snakes. - Maggie's gone! lt must’ve been Moe.

Well, let me just give you one of my many other valid-- Run! They're getting away Stop them, Mary Kay Okay. So we can't pay for your precious food.

Uh-oh. Me again. Sorry.

'Cause I sure haven't. Hold it right there. Surrender or prepare to be sunk. No way. We'll defy you to the death. Stroke, stroke, stroke. I'm rowing as fast as I can, sir.

oh, Louie, Louie oh, no, no, no we gotta go oh, no said Louie, Louie oh, baby say that we gotta go Shh!

What time would you like your breakfast, sir? Take off to the Great White North Over there you can see them shooting the film Canadian Graffiti.

If you ever get into trouble, all you need to do is-- Feels like I'm wearin' nothin' at all. Nothin' at all. Nothin' at all. Stupid sexy Flanders!

Oh, my God! Baah! She must think you're after her eggs. I only ate one!

The dance floor's filling up with maniacs Let's rock Do the mental house rock

Ahh. Ah-- Oh, my God.

(BRAKES SCREECHING)

Yes. Mmm-hmm. Yup. Mmm-hmm. Okay. We'll start with a routine stress test.

Yeah, but what does not kill me, makes me stronger. (GASPS) Wow! That was a lot of words. I need some energy.

Um-- Oh, excuse me. Could you tell me where I might find the Burns O's? Sorry, pops. They don't put nobodies on cereal boxes. Hmm. Well, I suppose this one looks a bit like me.

Welcome, brother. Out of my way, jerk-ass!

I'll take it. Whoo-hoo! Now, Homer, if I'm gonna manage your boxing career, I want you to have complete faith in me. Come here. Let me show you somethin'. Wow, I've never been in here before. Yeah, well, when I realized we hadn't had no ladies in here since 1979, I turned it into an office.

How come no Chippendales dancers... ever come in to renew their licenses? They carpool. That's the problem. Hey, I came here to get this revoked! Troy McClure? I thought he disappeared after that scandal at the aquarium.

Hmm. Suicide, eh?

Baby - I Ay, caramba ! Bart ! Dad ! Oh, here's what I was looking for. Blue chips closed up three and three-quarters. Oil service stocks slumped slightly on the news of-- Son, you shouldn't watch that other channel. It's only for mommies and daddies who love each other very much. Promise me you won't watch that channel ever again.

Mmm-- To hell with this. Line inspector coming through. Please move to the right. Grab that handrail, young man. Out of my way ! I'm here for your safety ! God bless that man.

I have nothing more to say to you, Marge. I'm drawing a line down the center of the house À la I love Lucy. You stay on your side, and I'll stay on my side. D'oh!

They're unveiling a combination apron-smock.

You know what I want to be? The girl on the oatmeal box? No. I'm going to be an astronaut. Women can't be astronauts. Why not? They distract the men so they wouldn't keep their minds on the road. There will be women astronauts.

you have been preapproved for a Money Bank charge card." Ooh, baby! Okay, let's see now. Occupation? Hmm. Butt doctor.

Oh! Ohh! Oh, no. No! This can't be happening!

Plus, you'll meet a dog who can't predict anything. Then three other things.

Buy him out, boys. Yeah.

Of course, the stock market's been down lately. - But there must be some sort of- - La la la la la la la la! Nothing left. La la la- La. You spent all the money I earned?

Until you taped over it, The Little Mermaid. That's right, The Odd Couple! So meet your comically mismatched roommate, Bart Simpson! I'm gonna make your life a living hell.

They're discussing poetry. Oh, we never do that at my school. But the truth can be harsh and disturbing. How can that be considered beautiful? Oh, he sure sucked the fun out of that poem. Please don't make me stay, Dad. I'll do anything you say. I'll find religion. I'll be good sometimes. Let go of my leg.

Which version? We've got Star Wars Monopoly. Rasta-Mon-Opoly. Galip-Olopoly. Edna Krabappoly.

Now, that's interesting.

Oh, no, the power's out? We'll miss Fox Celebrity Boxing! I heard tonight they have Ed Bradley vs. Mister Ed.

(SCREAMING) Stupid women drivers! (SCREAMING) Stupid women helicopter pilots!

Hey, we're just tryin' to have a good time, narc. Why do you want to destroy us? Don't commit your hate crimes here! Hate crime!

It's you. Welcome to the Kwik-E-Mart. May I help-- Mother! What are you doing here? I have come to meet this wife of yours. And meet her you shall. It is a very reasonable request that can easily be granted...

There's gotta be something on this thing for that thing. Ahh. Ohh. Simpson. Hot diggity!

Oh, we missed the gut buster! Yeah. That should be us covered with blood. Sure, computer technology is here to stay.

Hey! Morning, honey. What's so good about being stuck in the house behind a stove? Lisa, I know you're down on homemaking but it can really let you be creative. See? This morning I turned bacon, eggs, and toast into a smiley face for Bart and Homer.

Damn, this ride is pimped out. Yo, downstairs I got a wax museum of famous movie monsters. Check it out, if you want to get your fright on. (CAR REVVING) Jeepers! It's 50 Cent. Yo, B. I heard you throw down on stage.

Everything I did, I did for you! (DOOR SLAMS)

I wish I was dead. Don't listen to him, kid.

So-- Hey! You like Malibu Stacy too. Oh, yeah. And you like the same one I like,

I've got a little place that I use for these, uh, matters. Call me tonight. Well, hi there. You must be Lisa Simpson. Hello, sir. Lisa, you're a doer, and who knows, maybe someday... You'll be a congressman or a senator.

Traffic going waaay back in both directions. And look out at 14th and Elm.

Ay. Que dÍa miserable a trabajo.

ALL: (CHANTING) Blood for cream. Blood for cream. Blood for cream. Blood for cream. It's always difficult to pick two finalists. But this year it was easy. All the other dishes made us vomit.

I have a pretty good idea where they are. We can't lose Bart now that we're so close. If I do, I'll be the worst priest ever. Well, except for, you know... Ahem!

In these days of rising health care costs, blah, blah, blah, lip service, lip service. Get out!

Well, it's time to say good night. I wish our special guest, Tim Conway, didn't have to leave so soon. I'm still here. Fox wouldn't spring for a decent hotel room. He's just kidding. We'd like to thank Fox and the good people at Budget Lodge.

Um, two bucks. And it only transports matter. Um, well, uh-- I'll give you 35 cents. Sold! But I must warn you, this device carries a frighteningly high risk of catastrophic--

Hi. Hi. Hey, guys. Sign my cast? Sign my cast? Guys? Milhouse! Uh, hi, Bart.

Well, you only get this tiny cup of tartar sauce to dip in 'em, and I always run out. Will you stop wasting our time, Simpson. Shut up, Smithers. Can't you see what he's saying ? A happy worker is a busy worker. Three cents worth of tartar sauce could save us thousands of man-hours in labor. I like the cut of your jib, Simpson.

Pull over! There's no good place! There's lots of good places! What about over there? No shade!

and see if Stacy... can help... invent... me... young-- Help! - You're getting a job! - Yes! I'm going where the action is!

We're all gonna be rich! We broke even!

Hey, hey! I've been in Reno for six weeks. Did I miss anything? What the-- Oh!

Don't let Krusty's death get you down, boy. People die all the time, just like that. Why, you could wake up dead tomorrow. Well, good night.

Otto, welcome. Apu, hey. Got a bad case of the munchies, man. Time for a heat-lamp dog. Did you know there's a child in your bus?

Well, next on our agenda, Marge Simpson's devil daughter. She's not a devil. I just don't know what to do. Well, Christmas is coming, huh? Yeah. And Santa doesn't leave presents under the bodhi tree. You think we can bribe her back with Christmas?

Toilet hole. You leave my wife alone! You don't deserve her! You know nothing about Marge. What's her favorite food? Uh, ice? Wrong! It's buttered noodles. He's right. Oh, it's true. I don't know Marge at all. I'll just go home now. (GASPING)

He is dead. I'll get a shovel.

Look out! Bart!

Blah! I almost swallowed some of the juice.

Okay, I want a nice, clean prom. That means no booze, kick, puff, doze, maxx, stim, or turb.

I guess so. Wh-- He-- Would you like it if I laughed at your misfortune? Huh? Maybe we should find out. Now march. Hey, everybody. Look at this.

A long-lost half brother. How Dickensian ! So, any idea where this bastard lives ? Bart ! His parents aren't married, are they ? It's the correct word, isn't it ? - I guess he's got us there. - Hmm ! Bastard, bastard, bastard Bart ! Bart ! Bart ! Bastard, bastard, bastard "2148." This is it.

D'oh! Oh, no! Not the good cheek! Oh! Aw, poor Bart. I know just how you feel.

Moe! You killed me! Hey, n-no. No, y-you ain't dead. Y-Y-you're just in jail. Oh, right. Wait a second! I'm in jail because of you. You were my friend, and you betrayed me!

Go in peace. A-- Don't make me come up there. men. Whoo-hoo!

One man, he resist Hello, Springfield! It's me-- Homer! What the bloody hell? Quiet, you. I know you youngsters want to see these rockin' rockers, but I also know you care about the race for sanitation commissioner.

I just know we're gonna be friends forever.

It's seeping in. Stupid, cheap weather stripping! One

You're right. It's all Willie's fault. I've been a terrible father. Hey, Lise. Thanks. Boy, that phony schmaltz of yours sure is powerful stuff. Uh, yeah. But I have a certain respect... for that whole "truth and hard work" thing that you do.

We're gettin' out of here now. jump in, Marge. Trust me. Throw the kids. No time for the baby. We're not jumping, Homer. Come on! Let's go! Everyone into the car now! Tell your friends to ask for jimmy!

The Springfield Police have told me that 91% of all traffic accidents... are caused by you six guys. I knew we could do it! Yeah, I know. I know. But the bad news is...

I have many, many issues with my beloved smother-- mother! Bart, leave that man alone with his pain and sit down. Okay.

Do... you... hear... a... noise? What?

I oughta replace it right now with that Chinese cartoon... where the robots turn into blingwads! But I'm a lazy, lazy man, Roger. So I'll give you one more chance. Get out! Don't come back till you fix itchy and Scratchy.

I think that I shall never see. My cataracts are blinding me. And they thought I stunk. Well, it's time to say good night. I wish our special guest, Tim Conway, didn't have to leave so soon.

Great. Another job lost to a foreigner.

We've been invited to the wedding... of our only graduate to read at an adult level. Hmm, it must be Lisa Simpson, because, of course, Martin Prince perished in that science fair explosion.

Yea! Yea! What's wrong, Abe? This is as fast as I can move.

always wanting more, more, more!

Apple wine, apple whiskey, apple schnapps, apple martinis, uh, Snapple with vodka in it, apple nail polish remover-- Don't forget applesauce. Yeah. I suppose you could grind some pills into it.

These uniforms suck. Bart, where do you pick up words like that? Yeah, Moe, that team sure did suck last night. They just plain sucked. I've seen teams suck before, but they were the suckiest bunch of sucks that ever sucked. Homer, watch your mouth! I gotta go. My damn wiener kids are listening.

I'm not wearing a tie at all. But if I am wrong about that, maybe I am wrong about Mrs. Simpson. No further questions.

Don't worry about your wee fish, lass. They're going to a better place. That's one month's detention. Mrs. Krabappel, we're all upset by the untimely deaths of Stinky and Wrinkles but life goes on. So, if I could have my yo-yo back...

Why do people worry about stuff? It's all gonna work out. All good points. Sleep tight, my drunken angel.

What's that guy doin' here? Lionel Hats, court-appointed attorney. I'll be defending you on the charge of... murder one! Wow. Even if I lose, I'll be famous. That Simpson boy is looking at 180 years. Thank God we live in a country so hysterical over crime...

Hey, that felt good.

It's in Revelations, people!

J Marge iet her jugs outJ .r Lyoh, dth, dth, dth, dthp J Who iet her jugs outJ J Lyoh, dth, dth, dthp J Marge iet her jugs outJ J Lyoh, dth, dth, dth, dthp J Hah, hah, hah, hah Hah, hah, hah, hahJ

Just when I was getting over my Chester A. Arthritis.

You know, I usually insist on approving Marge's dates, but from what she's told me, I'm sure you're a solid citizen.

That's odd. ts 11:15 in the morning and the bar is empty. where we 're minutes away from the blossoming of the Sumatran Century Fto wer. .. which only occurs once every hundred years. Hey, those are my customers/only friends.

Fourteen dollars and 10, 11, 12 cents. There you go. You know, sir, tipping is customary. Ooh! Me sorry! Me no speaky Chiny! Mmm. Oh, General Gao, you were a bloodthirsty fool, but your chicken is delectable.

Hey! Where have you been all my life?

Bart, I told you. Don't draw on your father's skull.

I think that's everything. Marge, can you take my ball to Nick's? A bottle cap got lodged in the finger hole. I'm running late.

Just like Jimmy Carter. Okay. You'll be sleeping here tonight. On the ground? No, Mom. Ohh. I will come down for your bags. That's okay. I got 'em.

Today is Sunday, the Lord's day, and yet, at this very moment, millions of Americans are not in the Lord's house. They're in their own house worshipping a false idol-- professional football.

Uh-oh. Whoops. Looks like there's a little leftover nuclear waste. No problem.

Right here. Rule One. Well, then... Join us next week for more inconclusive action on Robot Rumble! I concur! (BOOING) Son, did you ever suspect it was me? Well, you did disappear a lot but I've gone whole summers without seeing you.

Hello. I have a certificate for a free erotic photo session. Oh, yes. Your name? Uh, Geraldo Simpson.

Everybody, give 'em back. Hey, hey! Who pulled the pin on this one? Very well. If that is the way the winds are blowing, let no one say I don't also blow. Free Bob. By special order of the mayor of Springfield,

That's a good shmendele. Oh, I've waited so long to hear you say that. What does it mean? Is it dirty? (TICKING) (SINISTER TUNE PLAYING) Oh! Baby, did I find something to throw out today. If you like space in the attic, are you gonna be happy.

When my man and I shop for wedding gowns We were mocked and shunned and pushed around

Uh, Dave Shutton, Springfield Daily Shopper. Who are you? Where you going? Oh, do your research, Shutton. Uh, Kent Brockman, Channel Six News. How does it feel to be accused of the attempted murder of your boss and mentor? Kent, I-- I feel about as low as Madonna... when she found out she missed Tailhook.

You wrecked everything. I'm leaving. Good-bye. Bart. What did you say? Bart? Sufferin' succotash! - You can talk! - Goo. Mom, Dad, she can talk! Say it again, Lise.

Oh, all right. You get one trip to the beach... with my assistant. Mmm. - Okay, I'll take you. - Yea!

a beautiful sky blue. You were right, Lisa.

Hey. What's goin' on on this side?

Oh! His can control is excellent. Yes. And that wig makes him look a lot like one of the Beatles.

If they don't have tabbouleh, what's your second choice? They'll have tabbouleh. You're the miracle boy with the healing hands, arr, ain't ya? Nah. I don't do that anymore.

Even dudes. We're just off Route 202. Do not take the Jefferson Avenue exit. For God's sake, do not take that exit.

the problem here was water leakage. If you just buy a fifty-cent washer-- I've got a better idea. Get the hell out! Look, I've got some washers in my truck. I'll give you one. Marge, get my gun.

Whoo-hoo! Mmm! But, first, we all stink. We all-- Hey! That's according to a national survey ranking Springfield... as the least popular city in America. In science-- dead last. I'm telling you people. The Earth revolves around the Sun!

MARGE: Dear Mr. Gehry, would you please build a concert hall for our town? We may not be the biggest city, or the prettiest, but we were the first city in America to abandon the metric system. (MARGE LAUGHING NERVOUSLY) (GROANS)

(CAMERA CLICKING) All right, people. We got a situation here. Your daughter's gonna blow our whole deal sky high. You leave Maggie to me. No, Lisa. Not her. She'll hunt us down relentlessly.

That reminds me-- Troy said something interesting last night at the bar. Apparently, he doesn't really love Selma, and the marriage is just a sham to help his career.

The following schools are closed today: Shelbyville, Ogdenville, Ogdenville Tech, and Springfield Elementary... My Dear Watson Detective School. Ohh! And lastly, Springfield Elementary School... Yea! is open. Ohh!

Yes! Take that, Bitterman! Homie, here are the responses from the colleges you applied to. D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! Whoo-hoo! A flyer for a hardware store!

Are you listening In the lane Snow is glistening

of these principles, we can learn-- The auspices of constancy-- sweet constancy. Oh. Hey-- What--

Smithers, there's no way I can lose this bet unless, of course, my nine all-stars fall victim to nine separate misfortunes and are unable to play tomorrow.

Mom. Dad. I knew it all along ! Why, Bart ? Why ? Yeah, why ? You little--

HOMER: How about this guy? Ha! Homer!

It's true! It's true! We're so lame. It is time to settle the score. Huh? Aah!

We can't go back home? Where are we gonna live? Ooh! How 'bout that house? That has people living in it. You can see them through the windows. Lousy showoffs. Look! It's jimmy Carter!

The spirit of Cesar Chavez. Why do you look like Cesar Romero? Because you don't know what Cesar Chavez looks like. Why are you here?

That should just about do it.

Automatic-- Butt. Okay. Fluorescent-- Booger. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Wait a minute. These aren't exciting new products. You're not even trying. Okay, that's it. Both of you go to your rooms and spank yourselves.

"Do you, 'A'-- none of the below, 'B'--" Homie, for God sakes, it's 2:00 a.m. Fine. I'll take the next quiz. "How long will you live? In an average week, how many braised ribs do you eat?" Marge, do you think that counts honey-braised?

Ow! Ooh! Ooh! Ah! Oy! Oy! Ooh! Ow! Dead. (SOBBING)

I have to research a paper. Where did all the books go? Books? Books are for squares. We're now a multimedia learning center for children of all ages... But mostly bums. (SNORING) BART: Ay, caramba! Huh? What?

Sir! Hello, sir! Yes, you look like a man who needs help satisfying his wife. So-- Ow! I guess people have some sort of moral objection to our sex drug. Let me sell it, you "idjit."

Man, that is malty. But he'll never know! - Good grief. - Oh! My head! How long have I been out here?

Homer. Homer. X-Y-Z. Examine my zipper ? Why ? Whoop ! Heh-heh-heh. Thanks, everybody ! Ladies and gentlemen, throwing out tonight's first ball,

and she takes all of my friends and ditches me. I'm sure they didn't ditch you, honey. Maybe they went off to plan a surprise party for you. Oh, yeah. Good one, Mom.

but there were rivals for the fair lady's hand. My favorite song. This is so nice. I can't remember when I felt this young. I really can't. Mmm.

I've been drummed out of my profession. I'm a disgrace. Even this babbling brook sounds almost like mocking laughter. Who needs money when we got feathers?

Who is that firebrand, Smithers? That's Homer Simpson, sir. Simpson, eh? New man? Actually, sir, he thwarted your campaign for governor, you ran over his son, he saved the plant from meltdown, and his wife painted you in the nude-- Eh, doesn't ring a bell.

Oh, no! My baby's up there! It's okay, Mom. I have a safety line.

An overheated private removed his flak jacket, revealing a T-shirt... with an Iron-on sporting the Mad slogan "up with miniskirts." Well, we all had a good laugh, even though I didn't quite understand it. But our momentary lapse of concentration allowed Charlie to get the drop on us. I spent the next three years in a P.O.W. camp,

Then what should I do? just squeeze your rage into a bitter little ball... and release it at an appropriate time. Like that day I hit the referee with a whiskey bottle. - Remember that? - Yeah. - When Daddy hit the referee? Yeah. - Yeah.

I want to watch Krusty. Shut up, boy.

Oh, man! We shall meet again, old friend. But now I must steal away into the night.

Yeah, well, my plane leaves in less than one minute. All aboard!

Wait a minute. I'm on the top. I actually did it! I climbed the unclimbable mountain!

(SPEAKING HEBREW)

This taco is full of hair. Uh-huh. There's your explanation. Shall we tell Marge? Let her read about it in the society page.

Oh, I can't even finish! I want to be rich! Like these guys! And look at all these rich people here!

Eww! Lemon. Ugh! Cherry. Ooh... custard. Mmm... purple!

One thing they export is corn. Or, as the Indians call it, maize. Another famous Indian was Crazy Horse. In conclusion, Libya is a land of contrasts. Thank you. Ow. i can't breathe. Please stop him. Oh, I'd like to, but I'm afraid he has diplomatic immunity.

Gill! Thank God it's you! You gotta help us!

"It was the end of the Trojan War. "Clever Odysseus had come up with a plan... to destroy the Trojans once and for all." Hi, Odiddily-ysseus! Stupid king of Troy.

Don't worry, honey. Daddy will fix that broken animal. No! I'm not gonna hurt him. I'm just gonna wake him up.

I see Petey and Blackie and Schnoodle.

"Look in the 'tunk.'" He must mean "trunk."

Why does he keep failing ? just a little dim, I guess.

Oh, that radio show. It's all the kids talk about on Monday at school. Well, why don't you have a free T-shirt? You'll be the coolest kids in the playground. We'll put them on later.

I was strolling through the gas one day

Why are we all dressed up ? Because sometimes it's fun to dress up for dinner. Why are we using the china ? Because sometimes it's fun to use the good china. What's with the candles ? Sometimes it's fun to use candles. Why are we waiting for Dad ?

Wha-- Mrs. Bouvier! Mrs. Bouvier! Mrs. Bouvier!

Ooh! Ow! Ow! Ow! Mother of Mercy! Hey! This is kinda fun. Whee! Whee! Ow!

If it doesn't have Siamese twins in a jar, it's not a fair. Oh! This is perfect! We're gonna go see Marmaduke? No. The Smithsonian traveling exhibit. It encapsulates America and makes history come alive! What? And Marmaduke doesn't? Sorry, Dad. My mind is made up.

I've never been so close to rubbing my eyes in disbelief. Oh, what the heck! Huh? Huh? I think it's a sign from God that we should all go nuts! Whoa-hoa! What the--

You traded my soul for pogs? No! Close that door! You're letting the heat out! Shut up, shut up, shut up!

Wh-o-o-o-a ! Bitchin' ! Hey ! Wha-- Come on, you stupid tube ! Hmm. Looks like there's a jam in Delta sector.

I'm sick of him already. The point is, great artists are always trying new things, like Michelangelo or Shaquille O'Neal. You just need some inspiration. It's so exciting to do something cultural together.

I'll be right back!

Which I spent on a novelty horn. Maybe we should talk to a financial planner. Financial panther, eh? Mr. Simpson, you're a dollar overdrawn. Get him, Sheba! I'm on board.

In the wake of the devastating eruption, one Springfielder proved herself a hero, Marge Simpson! She's won herself a free hero sandwich at Springfield Sub Shops. Extra charge for warm-ups.

Hi, Lurleen. We were just talking about you. I think I can come over. Let me ask my wife. It's a date.

Uh! Boy, I can really be a pain in the butt. Gee, I should cut Dad some slack. After all, he did take me to the ballet and the Smithsonian exhibit. In fact, he takes me lots of places he hates.

I'll be in the car, dudes. There is one more way to kill a man, but it is as intricate and precise... as a well-played game of chess.

Those kids are, like, so sweet. If only they had had peewee hockey when I was a lad.

Bringing you the world of current events!

It's true. We are aliens, but what are you going to do about it? It's a two-party system. You have to vote for one of us.

I can't help it. It's the shoes. Nobody upstages Little Vicki.

David Crosby, you're my hero! Oh, you like my music? You're a musician? Then came the greatest thrill of my life.

What the heck? Ah! Ow!

storm clouds were gathering. Figurative storm clouds. Oh, Homer was spending money like a... teenage Arab.

Oh, no! Oh, no! You can't! My daughter will never forgive me! Oh, wait. Now I can do it for real.

Mm-hmm. It doesn't sound very tractor-y. Hang on. And there. Now we're talking! - D'oh! - Dad! Go get Lassie! Lassie? I mean Lisa.

Uh, okay, Homer. Whoo! That was a close one, kids. Okay, Marge, as long as we're traumatizing the kids, I have a scandalous story of my own.

Stealing pairs of what? Hubcaps, Reeboks, human eyes? It's all in here. See for yourself. Cool! Sister Thomasina, I've taken the liberty of knocking the vinegar out of him. He's all yours. Yeah, whatever.

For the love of God, help me!

They're my only escape from the drudgery of work and family. No offense. Ah, what the heck. Let's hit the road.

Eight seconds. Great job, boys!

My God! I've created life. Lisa, breakfast! We're having waffles. Ooh, waffles.

Marge, the dog is hungry ! Well, then, feed him ! Yes, master ! Doh ! You're my best friend. You're my best friend.

I love it. I finally look like a real person. Thanks. Ha-ha!

Well, if Bart can be El Barto- Oh, if only I had your courage, senor. Oh, thanks- Dad, you’re getting paint on your wedding ring.

I can't take it!

Why did I take such punishment? Let's just say that fame was like a drug. But what was even more like a drug was the drugs. But despite their mounting problems, the Simpsons' star continued to rise, like a plastic bag caught in an updraft. it was such an honor to be on the Walk of Fame.

but I guess I gotta take my medicine. Unless--

Holy night All is calm All is bright - Will you take us to Mount Splashmore? - No. - Will you take us to Mount Splashmore? - No. - Will you take us to Mount Splashmore? - No! Will you take us to Mount Splashmore? No! - Will you take us to Mount Splashmore? - No.

to brew a refreshing, full-bodied lager. Ahh! WEll, I'm rappin' A.B. And I'm here to say if you wanna drink beeR duff's the only way I said the only way breakdown

with their hippin' and the hoppin' and the bippin' and the boppin'.

Yarr, ya scurvy dogs! Worst parents ever! Ha-ha! Hey! No extension cords!

Oh. Oh. Uh-oh. I need a bib. If I slop any on my shirt, I could lose the respect of my beloved brethren.

I've got an extra seat, and you've got an extra lunch. Catch my drift? Milhouse, lower those eyebrows. And the other one.

It's a chance to turn around all our stinkin' lives. I'll be Gus, the loveable chimney sweep. Clean as a whistle. Sharp as a thistle. - Best in all Westminster. Yeah! - Shut up, boy. We have places your family can hide in peace and security. Cape Fear, Terror Lake, New Horrorfield, Screamville.

the ring Came off my pudding can take my pen knife my good man I swear it's springfield's only choice throw up your hands and raise your voiCe monorail what's it called

But I can't shake the feeling that you're just using me to get Principal Skinner jealous. Oh, please. I don't care what Mr. "Engaged to be Engaged" thinks. Hear that, Seymour? Edna, this is childish. Fine, then hang up. I will hang up when he leaves.

What? What would help? Nothing.

Well, you've won this round, Simpson, but I'll grind you into the earth like a bug! Aah! Ohh! Simpson, be a dear and rub my legs till the feeling comes back.

That does it. One of them has to go. Okay. Grandpa. No, the B-U-M. Oh. Wait. There's an easy way to get rid of Chester... without the guilt of sending him back to the gutter. And all it will cost you is a thousand dollars.

Ah, the last one. D-oh! As an attack dog you'll be expected to neutralize intruders.

Here's a clue! A discarded orange wedge. Orange wedge? Marge, do mobsters ever congregate outside your house? All the time. Sometimes I bring them lemonade.

In other countries, families also lie on the floor and eat bugs. What countries are those? - You ever been to Norway? - No. Well, they do it in Norway.

Sir, we've run into a serious problem with the mission. These Nielsen ratings are the lowest ever. Oh, my God! We've been beaten by "A Connie Chung Christmas"!

(LOUD BANGING) Ah! (MALE VOICE GROWLING) Both of us heard mysterious noises coming from this very spot. Bart and I will explore the attic until we find their source.

Listen, lady-- Don't call me "lady." My name is Marge Simpson.

What's going on? What happened to our crops?

Uh, I'll make the sound of a barnyard animal, and, uh, y-you all try to guess what it is. It's a pig! It's a cow, man. It's a pony! No, it's a goat! You know, one of them lady goats. There are no lady goats. A lady goat is a sheep. I believe she's right.

I can't believe Krusty's really gone. Don't worry, son.

I wish there was some other explanation for this. But there isn't. I'm a murderer. I'm a murderer! Then that's not the real Ned Flanders. I'm a mur-diddly-urgler! If that's not Flanders, he's done his homework.

(RAPPING) Don't flavor hate. Participate. Machine makes a good point. Don't be a follower! Be a snack-swallower! It's fun to obey the machine. (WHIRRING) Mmm. Mmm.

will require you to be in a cast for six weeks. That means I can't possibly race. You're lucky to be alive. Save your palliative cliches for the next poor sap, Doctor. Is it okay to visit?

Oh, dear God! This man's kidneys have exploded. - There's nothing left. - Oh, no!

I hope this typeface catches people's eye. It sure didn't move our old fondue set. Why do you always take the children and not the fondue sets?

you'll be there. Wherever nacho penetration is less than total, you'll be there. Wherever a Bavarian is not quite full, you will be there. Don't forget fat people. They can't stop eating. Hey, pretzels.

Didn't you eat enough of your friends? Those were my friends? Yes. I've been saying that for hours. That's it! I'm going home. Which way to Ithaca? It's not so easy.

D'oh! You bas..! Hit it..! Shot..! D'Oh! Homer? What is it, Flanders? I'm afraid I have a bone to pick with you. If it's about your camcorder, I lost it, okay? No, I came to talk to you about your... potty mouth. What the hell are you talking about?

Tell me 'bout your husband, Marge. Well-- When we were dating, he was sweeter... and more romantic and 40 pounds thinner, and he had hair, and he ate with utensils. What was that last thing you said ? Ah. Isn't that your wife, Homer ?

Oh, why am I bothering? It's hopeless. Hi, kids. It's me, Gabbo! Pork prices rose in early trading today.

And they're geniuses. They'll solve all our problems.

(SCREAMING) (GROWLING) (SCREAMING) Why didn't we listen to Dad? The worst part is I'll never see my Homie again. That's the worst part? Then I'm not doing my job.

But lucky for you, somebody here is responsible. Hey! There's a New Mexico.

just ask this scientician. Uh-- He'll tell you that in nature one creature invariably eats another to survive.

What'd you kids get? I bought this cool pencil holder. Far out, man. I haven't seen a bong in years. No one bought a wishbone necklace. One of us made some money. I sold a guy our spare tire. D'oh!

Two to two. Well, Homer, it all comes down to you. Football in the Groin! Football in the Groin! Well, we're not gonna resolve this deadlock anytime soon.

Don't worry. I know just what to do. (GROANING) Bart, you're not hitting hard enough!

Mom, did you have to fly out through all those boogers? Cut me some slack. I'm a widow. Now there is still a slight chance we could rescue your husband before he expands. (BOTH GRUNTING)

Must destroy mankind. Ooh! Lunchtime.

Look at that island. Shaped like our number four. Makes you think.

Don't critique my technique I'm no geek I make the principal nervous My friends can confirm this I'll bust a spit wad in your epidermis Oh, no, he didn't! (CROWD CHEERING) You can trace my remorse To its supersized source A hungry, hungry hypocrite Named Homer, of course My old man's pathetic Damn is his head thick

"The Half-Assed Approach to Foundation Repair." Hello, I'm Troy McClure. You might remember me from such instructional videos as... Mothballing Your Battleship and Dig Your Own Grave and Save. Now, over the next six hours, I'll be taking you through...

He's basically a good kid. He's just weak-- morally and in the upper body. Hmm. Please let me slip through the cracks. Well, you look like a good student, what with those glasses. And I suppose boys will be boys. Case dismissed!

Oh, they got this all screwed up.

Homer. That's my name. When I asked you if that dummy was to fake your own death, you told me no.

Is this Maude Flanders? No. It's Homer. Oh! Hey, Homer. It's Moe. I must have dialed the wrong number.

I was going to my room to say my prayers. Smart, beautiful and a liar. So much better than that Sarah, plain and tall.

So you say Batista's gone. Did you know that? I had no idea. In that case, just take us to whoever's in charge. Comrades, our nation is completely bankrupt. We have no choice but to abandon communism.

I'll bring the limbo stick. Hot diggety! La, la, la la, la, la Hey. Stop shakin' the harness. How low can I go!

- Ow! - Dad! Hi, kids! Hang on. I'll throw you a ladder. Get off! Get off!

You fat lush. You just destroyed Atlantis. You used to be fun. Where's the Zeus who used to turn into a cow and pick up chicks?

What will become of our kids? Where are the refreshments?

Well, I'm licked. Me too. Now, the next event in our living room Olympics-- the controversial couch vault. I do this for Stainmaster carpets proud sponsor of the living room Olympics. What the hell are you..?

No! tll tangle! Sorry. I cant go outside. I'll call for help. No hurry. I got plenty to read. Ooh! Twilight Zone Magazine.

sees you as less of a partner and more of a doormat. Nothing could be further from the-- You could be onto something there, Doc. What? Oh, sorry. I got a lot on my mind. That's okay. Take your time.

Thanks, Bret. My new show's called Handle With Care. I play jack Handle, a retired cop who shares an apartment with a retired criminal. The original odd couple. I fell in love with the script, Bret and my recent trouble with the IRS sealed the deal. That's great, Troy.

You were just Barlow's lackey! You were Ronnie to his Nancy! Sonny to his Cher! Ringo to his rest of the Beatles! Enough! Lies, lies, lies! I did it! I did it all! There! Is that what you want, you smarmy little bastards?

- Yes. - How much? Everything. What's the quickest, easiest way to do something with you? Take us to the video store? Anything for my little girl.

Uh-- Dad! The chloroform! Huh? Oh, right. I'll give you this bottle of chloroform if you'll take us to the Who. D'oh! Oh, so you wanna see the Who, huh? Well, I'll take you to the Who. Here's your Who! I thought we fired that guard. Oh, yeah. Right.

What do you think? It's good. A little too good for an eight-year-old. Me thinks I detect the sickly scent of the daddy.

Mrs. Bouvier! Mrs. Bouvier!

This could be a whole new beginning for Springfield.

and a nostalgia meal for me. Oh, boy! This takes me back! Two ration stamps and an artillery shell full of oleo! What's your nostalgia prize, Grampa? Liberace action figure! Party tonight at Roddy McDowall's. Whoo.

Uh, 'cause of him, I lost my room, my things... and my buddy's collection of old sunbathing magazines. You bastard! I lost my bar. I lost his bar.

It would have to be camera day. Wow! Hey! I don't want you reading those awful scandal sheets. Uh, I was just trying to find Dave Barry's column. He's great. He pokes fun at life's little foibles.

Presenting Princess Kashmir, queen of the mysterious East.

This bus and I have sort of a Shining thing going on.

just these, uh, reptile eggs! Oh, step away! They're endangered. These aren't reptile eggs. You've been cheating! No matter where Mr. Burns hits the ball, you put a fresh one on the green!

Aw, the hell with it. Roll the cartoon. Oh, yeah. My old friends, right next to my heart.

Boring. Lenny, how ya doing? It's moe. I got some class-three gossip here. Well, dish! Groundskeeper Willie-- You know, the guy in the skirt? He bought himself a mail-order bride. But he's too cheap to pay the C.O.D., right?

(BOTH STRUGGLING) Hey, my pants aren't down! It doesn't matter! Ee-yow! (LAUGHING) Why you little...

Now, where did Bart stick the fireworks?

I only sell Smooshies now. Squishees reminded me of my misdeeds. My Smooshie tastes like a shopping bag. Mine tastes like dog fur! Yes, but look at the deliveryman. He-- He is hideous. Ooh, a challenge!

Smithers, there's a rocket in my pocket. You don't have to tell me, sir. Turn off the chair. Turn off the chair. "Electric chair is on," eh?

Tangy. What ? Oh, water. That-a-way, man.

Lisa, quit getting in the way of your wealthy brother's peas. Oh, yuck. Meat loaf. My most hated of all loafs. That was the end piece! That's it! Being abusive to your family is one thing, but I will not stand idly by and watch you feed a hungry dog!

Hey, give me one of those famous giant beers I've heard so much about.

Come on, Marge. It's either you or...

Yes. Yes, I understand. I'll take care of it personally. Dad, did you hear something? I don't know.

What the darn? Marge, you'll never guess what. My whole class is here. They're going to observe the human peep show... that is our lives. Apparently, that disturbing odor was the food.

Watch the shiny quarter, Bart. That's it. Oh, damn it! Where'd it go? - I needed that for laundry! - Hey, stupid. You looked.

in numbers too big to ignore and i know too much to go back to pretend

Lots of flash and no meaning. (LAUGHS) Okay, new meat, you're clean. (GURGLING) I'm not supposed to be new meat. I'm supposed to have your job. I'm sick of you positing an alternate reality! (GURGLING) (CLANKING)

Uh, no flash photography, please.

You've raised the bar for all of us, Simpson, and I thank you. Wow. Praise from Caesar. Huh?

I love the Leader. Of course you do. This so-called "new religion"... is nothing but a pack of weird rituals and chants... designed to take away the money of fools.

Why, it says here that President Cleveland has- Okay, more coal. Less coal. Less. Less. More. Less. Less. Less.

Yo! Yo! Straight out of Detroit, y'all. It's the j-O-E to the C. Let's rock the party with Kid Rock. Oh, no! It's a lost child! Don't worry, folks. I'll tackle him.

Mom never drives drunk. And the crash was in your car. Also, the driver's seat was adjusted for your stomach. Lisa, Lisa, your suspicions are important to me and will be answered in the order received. MacArthur Park is melting in the dark

Listen, Homer, I dont know who your killer is... but I do know he'll strike again. Your only hope is to stay completely out of sight.

Hey, I thought Krusty was jewish. Christmas is a time when people of all religions come together to worship jesus Christ.

Get him out of here! Tell the truth! Tell the truth! Don't listen to him, Duffman. For once in your life, stand up for the little guy. New feelings brewing in Duffman! What... would Jesus do?

The only ship worth a damn is friendship. Look. Here comes the "friend ship" sailing your way. Ooh, here. Let me get that, friend.

You can stay with us and enjoy the sights and sounds of the country. Marge, is this a pimple or a boil? just a minute, Homer. Oh! Look what you made me write! Anyway, we think you'll really enjoy our quiet little town. Sincerely, Marge Simpson.

Uh, it was good, but not great.

'Cause I felt like it. You're not even listening. I know you are, but what am I?

Sit tight and try to get some sleep.

We'll never be able to swim that far. Oy, ¡caramba! Screw this! I'm converting! Save us, O mighty Ra! Hey, cut that out! I have an idea. All right, Moses. Lead your people!

Bart, would you go start Daddy's car? Homer! What? There's nothing to worry about. Well, then you start it. All right. Fine. I'll take a cab.

I'm not missing anything. Frozen earlobes, trudging up that stupid sled hill over and over again. How good could it be ?

Oh, we're surrounded, Marge. Maybe we should give ourselves up. But think of the scandal. Yeah, the British tabloids will have a field day. There's only one thing left to do. Grab on to the handles, Marge! Got 'em.

Maude's old sketchbook. She was quite the little artist, you know. Oh, eh, is that a fact? And you think you know someone. There's our house. A rainbow. Oh, a white hand shaking a black hand. "Praiseland"?

Like getting the rat out of Maggie's room. I'm not fooling around, people. Park your keisters in front of that TV! Now! (LISA SCREAMING) (EXCLAIMING) This counts as a bath!

Must... fight... Satan. Make it... up to him...

Looking good, guys. And... double time!

Nine months later, I gave birth to Maggie.

Dear God, give a bald guy a break. Amen.

I can't bail on a friend, even if it is Ralph.

Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. What are we gonna do to that field? Clean it! And why are we gonna do it? Liberal guilt.

Patty, Selma, what are you doing here?

And Bart isn't doing very well either.

Hey, can your grandfather do this?

Who's in there? Oh... Hitler's dog and that dog Nixon had, what's his name? Chester? Checkers. One of the Lassies is in there too. The mean one-- the one that mauled Timmy.

Oh, dear. Emergency call. Gotta go. What should we do until you get back? Put a pan down there. Aw, it didn't work.

Mom, I lost Dad and Bart. Lost them? What do you mean? I tricked them into thinking they had leprosy. Hansen's disease. You know, like that horrible cream soda. Well, Dad and Bart ran away, and no one seems to know where they went. Okay. Okay. Calm down. They couldn't have gone too far.

Mm, I have no idea. Unless it was that time he kept falling down the cliff. I won't jump anymore. I promise. Oh, thank God! Thank God! Thank God! I love you, Dad. I love you too, son. You know, boy, I don't think I've ever felt as close to you as I do right-- Huh?

This romance is so full of heartfelt passion. I can really identify with this corn-fed heroine. Homer, are you awake? This is important. Give me some sign you're awake.

and I'll... die in a gutter. It's practical and within our means. They always told me I was gonna destroy the family, but I never believed it. That's okay, Bart. Nobody really believed it. We were just trying to scare you. - You know Homer Simpson ? - Yeah, nice guy.

Later, chickie-pie. Whoo! Ooh, la, la, Simpson. Huh. What can I do for you and your new do?

Come here, you little-- Stop it. You're killing me! My school picture. Daddy would like a word with you, Barty. Help! Dad's trying to kill me! It's hammer time, snitchy.

Arr! What's it to ya? What's it to me?

Wow! Look at this place. The house number is spelled out with letters. Get used to it, honey. From now on we'll be spelling everything with letters.

Uh-oh. (MUTTERING NERVOUSLY) (DONKEY BRAYING) What did you say about my mother! (YELLING) You'll fry up nice tonight!

How 'bout an autograph? Picture, mister? Come on, people! Enough is enough!

Homer, we gotta do something. Today, he's drinking people's blood. Tomorrow, he could be smoking. The only way to get Bart back is to kill the head vampire, Mr. Burns. Kill my boss? Do I dare live out the American dream? This is dangerous.

Aaaaah! Son of a-- oof! What next? Uh-oh. Hey, What's with the kid? Hands off the material. What do you know? The kid's tough.

This log It used to be a tree Now it spreads love to you and me Hey, look It's heading out To sea

is anyone missing their buddy? No! Ah, the buddy system. Foolproof. Floor it, Otto. Wait! Wait! Ha-hal They left without you. They left without you too, you idiot.

Oh, no problem. Would you take an out-of-state, two-party, bad check?

Give me full power. But, sir... Damn it! I said full power.

Come on. You have to offer people something--

and race them... anymore. What about using the electric chair to cook chicken? Yeah, all right, this press conference is over. No, wait. I have-- No, it's over, Phil. - But Police Chief Wig-- - It's over. According to my uncle, Miss Springfield isn't as beautiful as she seems. Word is, she uses appearance-altering cosmetics.

M-Maggie Simpson! With the sun-blocker in place and the town aghast, I was on top of the world. So, I wanted to kick up my heels and indulge my sweet tooth. I feel like celebrating.

I'm really sorry, everybody. But I've tried everything. I'm afraid we're just going to have to learn to live with it. No, no, no. No dice! All right, Chimey, this time the bell tolls for thee.

A cartoon ax. I love it.

I don't recall saying "good luck." And the winner of the Milhouse 500 is Milhouse! Milhouse, are you sure you want to drive that inside? Yes! Okay. Be careful, sweet, sweet treasure.

I still think they're the best tater tots money can buy. Mmm--

I lost to Channel Ocho? What the hell is that? Dos huevos, por favor. ¡AY! Oh, que lÁstima. I gotta steal that bit. This is boring. I wonder what would happen if you put your train on there.

What we need is a scapegoat. Okay. Acting natural, and... (ALL CONTINUE YELLING) To repeat what I said a moment ago, you are so dead!

Weve gotta start using a cheaper oatmeal. Sorry, Mick! Simpson!

All right, I've got an arrest warrant here for Nelson Muntz! Uh, which one of you little punks is Muntz? Oh, no! My quarterback! What are we gonna do?

I'm hungry. Are they married yet? They're not getting married. Then whose garter is this? I was trying to hit the dentist. And now, finally, I am a man. I pity the fool who didn't bring an envelope to this Bar Mitzvah.

Sorry, Dad. Women and children first. What the-- Where the hell are my keys ? Who stole my keys ? Come on. I'm late for work. Oh, Homer, you'd lose your head if it weren't securely fastened to your neck. Did you check the den ?

But I didn't even touch 'em! LISA: Richie Rich Incorporates in Delaware. Easy to Believe Tales. Supergirl vs. The Glass Ceiling. The Green Listener. He was just trying to unload these crappy comics on a helpless kid. Somebody oughta take him down a peg, or should I say "down a pie"? No, I think the expression is "peg."

It's a pony! No, it's a goat! You know, one of them lady goats. There are no lady goats. A lady goat is a sheep. I believe she's right. You're crazy. Arr! What's it to ya? What's it to me?

(SCOFFS) Next time we're keeping it.

Homer became a blackjack dealer, and comedy was "in the cards." Twenty. Your move, Mr. Bond. I'll take a hit, dealer. joker. You were supposed to take those out of the deck. Oh, sorry. Here's another one. What is this card? "Rules for Draw and Stud Poker?"

Get in there, you stupid pillowcase! Stop it! You'll jam the machine!

This court finds Freddy Quimby innocent of all charges. Case dismissed. Bart, I'm impressed with what you did in there. You testified for the Quimby boy, even though it was putting your own head in a noose. On the other hand, you skipped school.

What are we all laughing about? Who cares? Anyway, it all happened during that magical summer of 1985. A maturing joe Piscopo left Saturday Night Live to conquer Hollywood. People Express introduced a generation of hicks to plane travel.

My cat! Never fear, ma'am. I'll save your cat.

Oh, Doctor, I'm crazy.

But we promised the desk clerk we'd be good. Yeah. We don't want to lose our pool privileges. Whatever. The point is, I'm Homer Simpson.

Hello, police? Can you send a SWAT team... to 742 Evergreen T-- Forget it, Simpson. Those pig noises you made really hurt my feelings. Lookin' like a pig as I do.

But before the intercourse, the dinner course!

¡Viva, SeÑor Burns! ¡Viva! iViva!

Saints be praised! Oh, closer. I've always dreamed of this moment.

And it's heading for a great big lawsuit. You made a big mistake, Skinner. Well, so did you. You got an ex-Green Beret mad.

Ahh. Official tour '92 T-shirts, $31. Check it out-- Spinal Tap kicking Moammar Khadafy in the butt. A timeless classic.

On the blockbuster channel ! Dad, why is the world such a cesspool of corruption ? Oh, great. All right, what makes you say that ? Well, at Sunday school, we learned that stealing is a sin. Well, duh. But everybody does it ! I mean, we're stealing cable as we speak. Oh-- Uh-- Look at it this way.

You get one trip to the beach... with my assistant. Mmm. - Okay, I'll take you. - Yea! Dear Lord, bless this humble meal. And did you hear about Krusty? Whoo, man! I mean, I knew he was a player, but geez, a kid? Homer, that's not a prayer. That's gossip.

One thousand dollars. Oh, sorry. Oh, don't answer yet. Because you also get-- Hey, I was watching that ! It's time for Krusty. You mean we can watch cartoons again, Mom ? Yes, dear. All you want. All right ! Turn it up ! Hey, kids ! It's time for itchy & Scratchy !

Uh, I'll pass. Hey, what's this? Oh, that's my old unit from Vietnam. I was their sergeant. They were my loyal troops. That photo was taken shortly before I was shot in the back, which was very strange because it was during a Bob Hope show.

with this jumbo thong bikini? Uh, Homer, I snuck you in a beer for old times' sake. Thanks, Moe. Uh, you know, Homer, that beer ain't free.

I've got a dad that looks like a monkey. Bart, you promised you'd stop making that comparison! Per our agreement!

Huh? Ha-hal I did it! Whuh-huh? You saved my life. I saved a life. And it feels wonderful.

I wish we lived in the kitty house. I could've trained them to be my unholy army of the night. Go, my pretties. Kill! Kill! We were about to give up, when we found a house that was perfect. just imagine what we can do with this place.

But I think the dodo went extinct-- Get going! And answer those phones, install the computer system, and rotate my office so the window faces the hills. Uh-huh, uh-huh. Okay. Um, can you repeat the part of the stuff... where you said all about the... things? Uh, the things?

You can do it, Homer. Stand up. I can't.

All right, Fatty. Out of the pipe! Why did you rat me out, kids? Was it because I showered love on those other children while ignoring you?

Sorry. No Homers. Loyal Stonecutters, let us begin our reenactment of the Battle of Gettysburg.

Pork prices rose in early trading today. But you've gotta come back, Mel!

Skinner! Uh-- Superintendent Chalmers!

I don't even know what happened. Honey? I'm trying to remember... Oh, uh... Near-fatal booboo today really scared me. What would the kids and I do if something happened to you? Don't worry, if I croak, you'll marry Lenny or Moe. The winner will be determined by a card game I invented.

Return to your homes immediately. I don't want to return home. All right. Let's see some I.D.'s, boys. You two scofflaws are violating curfew. I'm taking you downtown. Oh, uh, sorry to disturb you, Dr. Hibbert. Not at all, officer.

- Season's greetings. - Peace out. Silent night Holy night All is calm

and peace of mind is what you shall have. I'd like to buy your deadliest gun, please. Aisle 6, next to the sympathy cards. Hmm. Mm-hmm. - Mmm! - Whoa! Careful there, Annie Oakley. I don't have to be careful. I got a gun. Well, you'll probably want the accessory kit.

Homer mad! Aah! Aah!

They must’ve come from over there. Those are the test animals. The detective must’ve sold them to the circus! We'll just tell the police. And then I'm back to being plain old Rock Strongo.

'Cause him's a commitment dog, isn't him?

Okay, we've got the secret vigilante handshake. Now we need code names. I'll be Cue Ball, Skinner can be Eight Ball, Barney will be Twelve Ball, and, Moe, you can be Cue Ball. You're an idiot. So, wedding, huh? No, we're forming a vigilante group.

(MEOWING) I'm so excited. It's like giving birth to a child of steel and iron. (BEETHOVEN'S FIFTH SYMPHONY PLAYING)

That's-- Hey, this is a lot better than that rancid filth we find in the Dumpsters. Thank you, Ramrod. Marge, how did you get my jacket so clean?

It's pure. Pull the plug, boys.

Hmm. I'm afraid classes may be canceled today. Look! We won't miss a minute of school thanks to your father.

No, I just-- You know, Simpson, you're starting to annoy me. How about this, Henny Penny ? If Bart wins tomorrow, you have to mow my lawn.

Ah, gee, I was gonna say a night with joey Heatherton. But an ironed shirt? Damn, that's tempting! What about you, Homer? Well-- Homer Simpson? United States government. Hmm? Help! Somebody! Help! So how about you, Barn? One wish.

Hey, what gives here? This is bogus! Hey! Where do you think you're goin'? We want Miss Springfield! Hey, set me down at that boat show. I'm gonna be riding on a pack of cigarettes? Mm-hmm. We think you're the perfect spokesmodel for Laramies.

I'm gonna have to shut it down myself! Fat, don't fail me now! D'oh!

Hear that, Dad ? You can lie around in your underwear and scratch yourself. - Now, you listen to me-- - Trouble, Simpson ? No. just congratulating the son on a fine joke about his old man.

Whoo-hoo! Smithers, I'm beginning to think that Homer Simpson... was not the brilliant tactician I thought he was. We're going back to work!

You are? Oh, I thought I'd made a friend. Becky, I want to apologize to-- Usurper!

What's the matter, Marge? I thought you loved jell-O shooters. Oh, I do.

and you'll have to live with your grandmother and pick beans. Dad, I like picking beans with Grandma. Well, keep it up then. Okay, I will. Good. You do that. Fine.

What the heck? Ah! Ow!

And that is that. Good-bye, mind-numbing, backbreaking labor forever. Hello, dream job in paradise. And now the final phase of my plan.

I think words I would never say.

Get your germ lab out of here! Now! Now! How could I not become a radical... when we were fighting a force of pure evil? Hey, hey, Mr. Burns! Enough already with the germs. Ptooh, their flower power-- it's no match for my glower power.

I never passed Remedial Science 1-A. And you're a nuclear technician? Marge, ix-nay on the uclear-nay echnician-tay. What did you say? I don't know. I flunked Latin too. According to this book, the first thing we need is a setting.

Chief Wigham, you honor us with your presence. Baloney! I'm not gonna rest until one of us is behind bars. you! You wouldn't happen to know anything about a truck that got hijacked on Route 401? What's a truck? Don't play dumb with me. Relax, Chief. You seem tense.

Mom, Dad, look what I found! Oh, boy! Buffalo testicles! Mmm! No, Dad, they're apples. Yuck! Well, that's it. I don't want anything to do with this wagon train of death.

Sir, right away, sir! They didn't have any aspirin, so I got you some cigarettes. Maybe my headache will go away once the show starts.

Oh, Moe, there's lots of people uglier than you. Like, you ever been to White Castle? Oh, boy. Pigtown, U.S.A.

Hey, sometimes a guy just likes his skin to look its yellowest. Why, Laura. What a pleasant surprise. Cute. What do you guys want for dinner? I don't care. Ask Hef over there. Lady's choice.

But I don't know how to dance. Oh, I'll show you how. There. Now you're gettin' it.

Mmm ? Yes ! Whoa ! Hmm. Provocative, but, uh, powerful. He's bad, but he'll die, so I like it. Hmm. Marge, a word, please. You know, I'm no art critic,

Someone has mixed an Amazing Spider-Man in with... the Peter Parker: The Spectacular Spider-Man series. This will not stand. Pardon me, but I wish to tender a serious cash offer...

Papa? When I grow up, can I be a clown?

That's the collection money! Oh, yeah. Smells like church. I guess it's obvious what's happened here. Bart Simpson has somehow managed to sneak his bedroom into my house. Well, come on! Use your imaginations!

Yea! Yea! What's wrong, Abe? This is as fast as I can move.

So you were gonna kill us. Yeah. Hey, foamy. I want the news, not the weather.

People die all the time, just like that. Why, you could wake up dead tomorrow.

Oh, good Lord. There's a fly in my drink. I put it there. - You did ? - I slipped it into your glass as a gag. Pure hilarity ! Pure Homer. I pronounce it to be the most whimsical jape of the season. Quite.

I'll show you something japanese. Oh, it's beautiful, Dad. It's a crane. The japanese believe they bring good luck. Oh, be careful. We need that money to get home. No!

Hi, Homer. Mindy! Uh-- Oh, no, I'm sweating like Roger Ebert. Mu-- Murphy, youse-- You are a elf-- Uncontrollably, I think--

Well, looks like our phenomenon is actually a phenome-not! Because when you look at it rationally-- He's speaking in tongues!

What do you think? I slapped a clown suit on some wino? I mean, I-- Yeah, Bart. I am so Krunchy the Clown! All right. That's it. I've been scorched by Krusty before. I got a rapid heartbeat from those Krusty Brand vitamins.

Homer! - What? - Are you ready? just gotta put my shoes on. The only thing I asked you to do for this party was put on clothes,

but your hero phobia sickens me. You and your daughter ain't welcome here no more. Barney, show 'em the exit. There's an exit? "Evil bloodthirsty pirate." Hello. Town jubilation Committee? Yeah. I got something that's gonna make you a lot less jubilant. Can't you understand, little girl?

What the-- "President Eisenhower celebrates 40th wedding anniversary. Not pictured, Mrs. Eisenhower." I'm sorry. This is all my fault. Bart was filling in for-- I don't care if he was filling in for Mel Zetz.

We do have a baseball game today. Oh, right. I'm Dennis Conroy. And here come your Isotopes. Let's welcome two new additions to the team, Smash Diggins and Fishbone Walker. Lucky for us, they were sent down from the majors...

Ladies, I apologize. And you, sir, are worse than Hitler.

- Doing anything tonight, blue eyes? - Ew.

I'll find religion. I'll be good sometimes. Let go of my leg. No! Son, for the last time, you're staying at military school. And so am I. This school has everything I ever wanted. Lisa, no! This place is just a jail for children. No jail can hold me.

Hey! Where in God's name did you learn that kind of... dancing? Whoa. Ooh. Oh, yeah. Can I have money to buy Bart a birthday present? Money.

That's my girl. Doc Martens to Podiatry. "Liability waiver"? Don't read it. Just sign it. Yeah, but all these skulls and crossbones on here. I don't usually sign stuff like that. It simply says you won't hold us responsible...

Hmm. Inconclusive. I wish more students had agreed to these electronic tracking implants. We only had one volunteer. Spill it! Where's your brother? You'd better answer him, Lisa. He's a bad man.

(SCREAMING) Stupid women drivers! (SCREAMING) Stupid women helicopter pilots! (SCREAMING)

Excellent. Did you hear that? That "excellent" was... excellent.

Bart ! You don't even care ! You don't even care ! All right, Bart ! That's it ! Go to your room now ! Okay. I'll take some white meat and stuffing to go,

That's it. That's it, little girl! You saved Itchy and Scratchy! Please sign these papers indicating that you did not save Itchy and Scratchy. I have figured out how to rejuvenate the show.

Are you crazy, dude? I challenge you to a duel! The dude is crazy! Will you duel, or are you a coward? Would a coward do this? Bye! Mmm! My hero!

But you can tell, right ? She looks around and sees everybody else's dad... with a good education, youthful looks and a clean credit record and thinks, "Why me ? What did I do to deserve this fat, old piece of--" Mr. Simpson, you have got to be a bigger man.

There are ghost cars all over these highways, you know. - Hold me. - Only if you hold me. You can call a cab in there. Well, bye.

Oh! Dude! That little- Ooh! I'm gonna drive a golden spike... where your Union meets your Central Pacific. Stop.

- f Blows Whistle f - A// right, Frankenstein. That's a three-second violation. No blame Frankenstein. Me made from corpses of Den ver Nuggets. Now for the first of our " commercial breaks.

But I can't play quarterback. I don't even know how. Son, you can do anything you want. I have total faith in you. Since when? Since your mother yelled at me. Now how about that hug? Dad, the car! I got it.

Now just a minute. I'm sure there's room for both. Bart, you're wreckin' it ! Let go ! I worked forever on this ! Ooh !

Mmm, good pancakes, Mom. Well, thank you, honey. They come in a squeeze bottle now. Whoo! I better put on the silencer.

If my cover gets blown and I need help, what's the signal? Hey, I see you're watchin' a ball game. Looks like a good one. Any of you involved in any illegal activity? 'Cause I could sure go for some.

lemons being the sweetest fruit available at the time.

Hey. This ain't so bad.

For no reason here's apu those were the days

The pig says "oink." The chicken...

Homer, shouldn't we give that skull to Mr. Smithers?

a foster home! Yea! Hey-diddly-ho! Welcome to your new home, neglect-a-rinos!

(GASPS) What did she say? Well, Marge, I'm surprised you haven't been run out of town. I'll have you know I am very well-liked in Springfield! Well, there you have it. Springfield hates America. Now coming up after this commercial, I will be talking even louder! Don't miss it!

Dear Lord, in your infinite wisdom, you know the number to call when you need a plow is Klondike 5-3226. Homer, this is really low. Not as low as my low, low prices. That's Mr. Plow. Oh, I'm gonna lose my plow.

Oh, let me help you, George Washington. I still want to help you! I want to help you, George Washington? Even your dreams are square.

Now I'm returning to work without washing my hands-- But it doesn't matter, because I'm Homer Simpson.

Not this! Anything but this! Uh... What was that first one again?

I caN feel saint elmo's fire burnin' in me Oh, I can't take this anymore! Let's switch back. All right, my friends. Let's go to the phones. First up is Bob from South Springfield. Welcome to you, sir. Hello, Birch. Longtime listener, first-time caller.

Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife? I do. One groom-- Two grooms? But he-- But you can't--

A poem by Hans Moleman. I think that I shall never see. My cataracts are blinding me. And they thought I stunk.

Now wipe that smile off your face. We have a wedding to plan. Oh, yes. - You know what you could do, Apu? - Shut up. You could fake your own death. Oh. Would you shut up? All you need is a car bomb and-- I can't believe you don't shut up!

Olive oil? Asparagus?

Frankenstein and the Harlem Globetrotters... Meet the Mummy and the Washington Generals. I cant just sit here watching this junk. That's better. /f you watch closely, you might recognize a young Ra y Romano.

I don't care. Wow! Thanks, Sparkle. Wait... This isn't you. That's the old Sparkle. Get your worthless butts in the van. We got three more schools. Let's go, go, go!

Let the bears pay the bear tax. I pay the Homer tax. That's the homeowner tax.

Almost got it. Drop the food, Chief!

D'oh! Ow! Oh, Lisa, thank God you're okay.

Hey, hey. You made your sale.

"Dear Sleaze Merchant--" Oh, come on. That hurts. Gentlemen, the screwballs have spoken.

Did you see that? I did the deed. Open up! Oh, I'm so sorry. I wasn't looking. Hey, I thought you guys could see everything. No. You're thinking of Santa Claus. Well, I'll be damned. I'm afraid so, yes.

Stop! We have reached the limits of what rectal probing can teach us. This is a mission of conquest. Take us to your leader. Well, I guess you mean President Clinton. He usually hangs around Washington, D.C. President Clin-ton. Excellent.

I say we imprison them for the duration of our bicentennial. There is one way. Get the silver tongue. If jebediah's who I say he is, then it should still be in his grave. Why, that's highly unorthodox. Yes, but human decency prevents-- Dig him up! Dig up that corpse! If you really love jebediah Springfield,

All is well. All is well. Turn tape over. All is well. All is well.

With the sun-blocker in place and the town aghast, I was on top of the world. So I wanted to kick up my heels and indulge my sweet tooth. I feel like celebrating. Oh, it's you. What are you so happy about? I see.

Oh, yeah, you gotta be careful when you do a trick like this. Stop, Homer! Stop it! Let me out! You're the boss. I'm not getting back in this car until you drive like a sane person. Okay. Bye. Love ya.

- Homer ? - Marge ? Yeah. You want a ride ? Sure.

Don't say revenge. Don't say revenge. Uh, revenge? That's it. I'm gettin' out of here. Welcome aboard, Mr. Simpson.

"Ned Flanders, I mock your value system. You also appear foolish in the eyes of others." Well, howdy, Homer. Ooh, thanks for dropping by. Mmm, he's not responding. Proceed to level two-- antagonism.

(CONTINUES VOCALIZING) Did you just swallow another bone? Same one!

Fluffy and Fuzzy went to the park the ice cream social the boat show and other wholesome activities and they never ruined their fun by giving in to their throbbing biological urges. Then came the big day.

Could we make our own movies and enter them?

Let the judgment begin. I'll get the ball rolling. You're a fat idiot. Yeah! Lose some weight! - Hey, man. You're fat. - Fatso.

Uh-oh. I mean... good !

It worked! The debigulator worked! Hail Lisa.

Oh, what a tragedy. That car was just two days away from retirement.

Now our first award is for biggest people pleaser. You can walk all over these doormats. And the nominees are...

Brothers and sisters, there is still a witch among us. Let us throw open the floor to, uh, wild accusations. Whoo-hoo! I accuse Goodie Flanders! I accuse Goodie Badwife. Uh, we killed her on Sunday. There must be someone here we can accuse.

That's crazy! Bart's not a shoplifter. He's just a little boy. Oh, sure. Now he's just a little boy stealing little toys. But someday he'll be a grown man... stealing stadiums and-- and quarries. My son may not be perfect, but I know in my heart he's not a shoplifter.

Why, you little-- I got you!

I've had just about enough of your Vassar bashing, young lady! Look, Mom, it feels really weird having you on my turf. How would you feel if I started mopping the floor? - I'd be thrilled. You can start right now. - Oh! And I'm gonna keep teaching your class, like it or lump it. Well, then, I guess I'll just have to...

Instead of time-tested jokes about women drivers and doctor bills, you got some big-chin schlub... reading typos from the Palookaville Post. Well, here's a headline for you: Nobody cares.

So, Kitchen Wizard, I understand you have a book coming out. Yes, it's about Winston Churchill's life between the wars. Up next on the Soft News Network, let's hear from our own wide-eyed wanderer, Howell Huser. Uh-oh.

Hmm, what a nice young man. I'm sorry you're mad, but this isn't personal. This is business. Business, eh? Well, you just lost yourself a customer. What? I couldn't hear you. I said, you just lost a customer! What? You just lost a customer! You'll have to speak up.

- May I have some more lima beans, please? - Certainly.

Now remember, criminals prey on small-town folk like us. So if anyone asks, we're sophisticated millionaires from the Ozarks. Homer, you're scaring the children. Good.

Ah- Hmm. No belly button. Shuttle's in the hangar. You want to be my slave? Outstanding! Mmm. Speed it up, ugly.

Here comes the gospel according to puke!

The Simpsons (TIRES SCREECHING) D'oh! (SCREAMING) (TIRES SCREECHING) (MICROWAVE DINGS)

Tonight, we'll push the twin beds together,

So, it was pretty okay, huh? Mom, can we go to bed without dinner? Yes, we can. Well, at least I liked it. Didn't I? Oh, you don't want to know what I really think.

I was trying to breed the hamster with the lizard... to create an unholy supercreature... when I saw an even worse crime against nature. Ah, head lice inspection day. While the kids are out getting their nits picked, we can have our own private "cootie call."

but a sweet soothing hymn, like the national anthem of Canada. O Canada Our home and native land True patriot love In all thy sons command

Keep quiet, Huck. They won't look up here if nothing draws their attention. Old man river That old man river He just keeps rolling

Well, I did finish first in the Walk for the Cure of homosexuality. Say "ah," baby. Ah... (GAGGING) I'm dying! And there's heaven. But who's that? Confucius? And Milton Berle? Boy, have I been barking up the wrong tree.

D'OH! Stealing, Stealing stealing A car For moe da-da-da-da da-da, da-da insurance fraud today They're showing Hail to the Chimp! I have time to see one little movie.

D.N.A. is God's recipe for making you. You take a dash of Dad, a pinch of Mom, then we bake for nine months, and-- Mmm. That's good Billy.

Hmm... Listen, Homer, I'd like to raise an issue. Why so formal, Lenny? You're my go-to guy. Oh, about that. You know, I've been with this show from the beginning and I was, uh... I was wondering if I could get a small cost of living raise? Interesting. Please welcome new panelist, Barney Gumble.

And to keep the show's animators, editors, staff and hangers-on from leaking the solution, two completely different endings were produced. One real, one phony.

No, you're angry. Look, you're punching the cat right now. Oh, I am-- Oh, my gosh, you're right! I'm a rage-aholic. I just can't live without rage-ahol!

JJ Ooh, wait a minute. Marge likes a little bit of stubble. Uh-oh. Gotta even it out. Somebody's nervous. Well, we got the cure for that. Margaritas.

I know you youngsters want to see these rockin' rockers, but I also know you care about the race for sanitation commissioner. So let me give you the 911. Get off the stage! Hold on, people. The man's talking about waste management.

Hey, you lost your money fair and square. I didn't scam nobody. Put down your stick. We're here to work. Starting today, we're carnies, just like you.

I'm firin' at the lasso, but the bullets just go through the middle! It's the ultimate weapon. Ooh.

Fresh chocolate chip cookies. Oh! Don't touch those yet. They're very, very hot. Aha! No one's around. The perfect crime.

Oh, poor Mark Hamill. That swarm of nerds is gonna kill him. Nerds! Get out of there! - Mr. Hamill. Mr. Mayor. Come on. - Who are you?

Beer? Oh, Marge, I love you. Lisa! Lisa!

Cool. You're going to get an education. I'm going to teach you myself. Marge, it's too late. The boy's 10 years old. Let's focus our energy on Lisa and the other one. What's your problem? Whacking Day's coming. Whoo-hoo! The greatest day of the year. But killing snakes is evil.

Please welcome our newest panelist, Disco Stu. Disco Stu knows his place. My husband's a power-mad star. Maybe now we can get that padding that goes under rugs. (SPEAKING HEBREW)

- No. Let me try the cup and ball. - Get your own! Come on! Don't be a cup-and-ball hog! Hey, give it! That's mine! Give me the cup and ball, you cup-and-ball hog! Give it, give it! Come on, you little oink-oink! Mom! Bart's smoking!

Well, before she died, she ordered this Bible especially for you. Why, there's my name, in gold. Now you weren't home, so we had to pay the delivery man. Well, I'll just reimburse you right-- Wait a minute. This seems an awful lot like that movie Paper Moon. Run, Dad!

I'm aware of the time.

Dear Lord, please spare this sinful town. They were misled by a demon in blue pants. I guess I learned something here.

Lies make Baby jesus cry.

- I'm not a girl! Are you blind? - Yes.

Mm-hmm. Well, let's get out the old stock ticker and have a look. Here's where I stopped checking it last time. September, 1929. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no.

It's no use. We've got to make an emergency landing. Well, at least we're all in this together. Now, we have three parachutes. This one's for me. And these two are gifts for my nephews. Tallyho! (BOTH GASP) Homer, are you sure you can fly this thing?

then assistant to Lorne Michaels. It's going to be a rough couple of lifetimes. Manjula! Oh, Apu, you are such a Brahma queen. Have you come to forgive me? I am willing to take you back.

Ooh! Hmm? Hmm. Ow! It's a videotape. Put it in! Put it in! Ahh! Oh.

So, uh, ain't you guys gonna ask me about my hat? - Ah! - Ah! Hey, Carl, what's with the hat? Oh, what, this thing? I got it down at the museum. It's what the ancient Egyptians call a souvenir.

so they wont come back as zombies and- Get him! Ow!

That's a lie, and you know it!

Mmm, engine-block eggs. If we can keep these down, we'll be sitting pretty. - That's them! - Quiet. I can't hear the eggs.

No, they didn't. They attacked us in a horribly bloody battle. Remember?

and that guy's eating an apple.

I'm crashing and burning! Crashing and burning!

Can I slog off school tomorrow? Got a pain in me gulliver.

Imagine that quack thinking he'd try one of those crazy new age cures. They're not all crazy, Dad. Sure they are, honey. You know, just because you say something is crazy, doesn't make it so. And just because you think museums are boring and demolition derbies are fun, doesn't make that true either!

Dad-- Go on and win. Go on and win without your dad. I'll just sit here in Li'l Lightnin' which the Simpsons built... and remember that for one brief shining moment... I had a son. Ow.

Welcome, fellow Republicans. To start with the old business, Brother Hibbert will read a report... on our efforts to rename everything after Ronald Reagan. All Millard Fillmore schools are now Ronald Reagans. The Mississippi River is now the Mississippi Reagan. And my good friend Frankenstein is now Frankenreagan. Bleh! Excellent.

Yeah. Ah, thanks a lot, ass-wipe! I could've kicked your butt from here to Albuquerque, ya fat slime bucket!

"Last night's comedy benefit delivered wall-to-wall laughs without exception." Phew. "The only exception was the embarrassingly dated humor... of Springfield's green-haired, red-nosed hack--" Yeah, yeah, yeah. "Krusty the Clown." No!

First, let me reassure you your fears are groundless and your complaints moronic. That's good. This film will explain everything to you... in words that you can understand.

Uh-huh. Perfect. - But there's no room for you. - Cyohl f Video Game Chime f Do you think you could give me a lift home? Sure. I'll carry you in this giant snuggly.

Hitch up your pants, air whittle. Make friends with a Chinese man. Uh, Mr. Simpson, you weren't supposed to leave the home. Thank you, Ping-Pong. My name is Craig. Sure, it is.

Take 'em off the glass! Take 'em off the glass! This looks like a terrible place to relax. We're gonna get you to a-- Huh? Party! Whoo-hoo!

You’re going the wrong way! I'm sorry, Ned. Looks like God has packed up and left Springfield. No! No, you’re lying! You’re lying! What makes you lie?

How could you afford this? I hustled a lot of pool. Hey, you want to play? I gotta warn ya. I ain't that good. (LAUGHS) All right. Sucker. (GRUNTS) Who's the sucker now? Huh?

has threatened to destroy the city with her puke ray and-- Whaa! The mayor's barf is worse than his bite.

Just OshKosh B'Gosh me And then leave me be To fight for kid power I must be heard not seen I have to lead wisely Not just primp and preen Nails, dimples, ears scrunchie, purse, lunchbox teeth, Milhouse

We're just a couple of dreamers who set the bar a little too high.

Okay. I assume you all know why you're here. That's right. You're all angry, sick people. But over these next eight hours, you will be broken down to the level of infants, then rebuilt as functional members of society,

and available sister Selma. - Hey, tubs, I'm Patty. - What ? - Pat-ty. Doh ! Wrong one. So, Patty, tell me-- tell me more about your trip to Egypt. Nothing more to tell, really. The Nile smells like cattle rot, and they've got horseflies over there the size of your head.

Wow. Who do you have to kill to get a place like this? I think his name was Gustafson. Ow!

I feel terrible for putting you through this... after what a wonderful father youve been. Oh. Lisa, I cant lie to you any longer. This is all my fault. I'm the worst dad in the world. What? Why? The man who framed you is a crooked detective, who I hired. Why did you do that?

Wait. This is just a shaved puppy. I can see you know babies. Hey, a fortuneteller. Uh, hello. I sense you have a million questions. But I too have one.

Ooh! No! Oh, God! - Well, I guess no one can. - Run, before they're through feeding! No! Oh, God! No!

I ordered it for my little girl. I'm done. Oh! That cost $88! I don't feel much like eating. Look, I let you down and I apologize. I know that doesn't make it right. I hope you can forgive me. I forgive you.

Bart, don't feed your sister hotels. Don't worry. There's tons. That game is too old for her. Go play with Milhouse. I don't want to. You haven't made up? His mom says I'm a bad influence. Let's go throw rocks at that hornets' nest.

(BOTH SPITTING) Marge, I'd be a lot more worried about me leaving you for a sausage patty than your sister, Patty. (LAUGHS) (SCREAMS) Next time it'll be your eye.

Huh? Hey, Benedict Arnold, our cups don't want your colorful balls! No one calls me unpatriotic! (EXCLAIMS) Uh-oh.

Live from Springfield Harbor, where the sewage meets the sand--

I'm with you, Homer! I be with ya too, matey. I'm with you, Homer. You're the man, Homer.

(THUNDER CRACKING) I thought all religions were a path to God. I was wrong. (THUNDER CRACKING) Why did I put my faith in science and technology?

Oh, now they're making popcorn and hanging Christmas stockings. And coloring Easter eggs. Oh, I can't take it. Would it be so bad if I just went home for an hour? Whoa.

Don't you realize how close you just came to killing yourself? Who did this to my wall? He did. Is this true? I-- Well-- Technically, it is true, sir, but-- Come with me.

And "Otto" is "Otto" backwards. Now I'm scared. Homie, I don't mean to nag, but what does this have to do with healing your eyes? As soon as I graduate, I am so outta here.

Who knew the dream would come true for one of us? Oh, come on! Guess which one. I know. I know. It's Selma, right? Yeah, that's a good idea, Homer, but they've already made some movies about World War ii.

Why don't you go see Grandpa ? What can he do ? He'll give you good advice. He's the toughest Simpson alive. He is ? Yeah. Remember the fight he put up when we put him in the home ? I'm here to see Grandpa. Half the people here are named Grandpa.

Here's johnnycakes. Is everything okay? You look a bit flushed. Oh, it's just the excitement of studying jebediah.

Hey ! Hubba-hubba ! Look, a chick ! And it's not even ladies' night. Hey, hey, guys !

Mr. and Mrs. Simpson, I think you know... our district psychiatrist, Dr. J. Loren Pryor. Hey, Dr. J. I think what we have on our hands here... is a classic case of what laymen refer to as fear of failure. As a result, Bart is an underachiever, and yet he seems to be--

Arr. 'Tis some kind of treasure map. - You idiot, you can't read. - Aye, 'tis true. My debauchery was my way of compensatin'. "Dear Marge, You have given me your hand in marriage. "All I can give you in return is my soul, which I pledge to you forever."

And in another article, I found out... that to hire professionals to do all the jobs of a housewife, who, incidentally, is not married to a house, would cost $48,000 a year. Right on, sister ! The first step to liberation... is to free ourselves from these male-imposed shackles !

Cheese ! Cheese ! Oh, wait a minute. Stupid grapes. Bunch of creeps ! I hate France ! You sure have taken a shine to little Adil.

Constable Wiggum likes to act tough, but he also likes to walk the beat in control-top panty hose. Well, it's not like that's A crime. I'm afraid it is, chief. And schoolmistress krabappel...

I must hurry back to my comic book store, where I dispense the insults rather than absorb them.

Wait a minute. That was Prince of Tides.

Ohhh! Now, calm down, Neddilly-diddilly-diddilly- diddilly-diddilly. They did their best. Shodilly-idilly- iddilly-diddilly. Gotta be nice. Hostility- diddilly-diddilly-diddilly-- Aw, hell! Diddily-ding-dong crap!

You know, honey, when I think of all the good times we've had together-- Did you see that, Marge? Oh, my God! You walked into the fountain! Get out of the fountain!

Get him out of here. I'll get you, Bart Simpson, if it's the last thing I do! What is this all about? It's quite simple, really. I observed our friend, Groundskeeper Willie, burning leaves-- a blatant disregard for our clean air laws. Bart Simpson on the side of law and order?!

He's dead! Like you should be.

Drop it in, don't cram it in. Oh, forget it. I'll do it myself. Aw, look. Maggie wants to fly too.

But it looks like you’re missing a piece. Looks like you’re missing a wife. I walked right into that one. He's right, Dad. We're missing that singer's head. This is awful. ts like listening to Schubets "Unfinished Symphony." Or when I messed up taping City S//tWers2 and cut offthe end.

Hmm. Was that a yes or a no? Baa. Those aren't even words. Sna. Oh, my, what's that smell? Oh, it's you. Excuse me. Do you sell ponies?

Oh! She won't hold! She's breaking up! All done.

- Hey, what does this job pay? - Nothin'. D'oh! Unless you're crooked. Whoo-hoo! President of the union? I'm so proud of you, Homie.

Wait. That did end in heartbreak. Thanks for opening up old wounds, Mom.

You! Strawberry! Good effort today. Take a lap and hit the showers. I'm putting in a right-handed batter. Pinch-hitting for me?! Yes. You're a left-hander and so is the pitcher. If I send up a right-handed batter it's called playing the percentages. It's what smart managers do to win ball games. I've got nine home runs.

Wiggum. Yeah, right, mister. Mm-hmm. An elephant just knocked over your mailbox. Okay.

I wonder if I got any powers. Nope. Looks normal. Wait a minute. I can stretch! Look at me! Ow! Hot, hot, hot. I must only use this power to annoy.

Neddie, you're tossing. What's the matter ? I feel terrible. Mm-hmm. Sometimes I forget that we have things...

Oh. What's wrong with us? Oh, I don't like the looks of this. You don't? 'Cause that's what I said. Tell her, Bart. Shut up! Shut up!

Can you believe this, Homer ? Homer ? Homer ! No, no, no ! We stink. We stink. ...the 40, the 30, the 20, the 10, Touchdown ! Homer, were you planning on sitting in the car till the game was over ? Maybe. It's because of your irreverent attitude... that Bart thinks he can sneak headphones into Sunday school. Now move it !

Oh, a sarcasm detector. That's a real useful invention.

But what the audience didn't see was the unfunny aftermath. Mmm. Somehow, Homer became addicted to painkillers. it was the only way he could perform...

Mr. Simpson, you're going to be fine, although you do seem to have swallowed a number of shark eggs. Actually, that was before I went in the ocean. I don't want to pry into your personal life-- Then don't!

Look, there's our school again. Otto, are you sure you-- It's a shortcut, Mrs. K. Trust me. Mrs. Krabappel ! Mrs. Krabappel ! Bart, not another word out of you, or I'll subject you to the humiliation...

You cant just leave me out here! There's not another woman for miles! Sorry, Dad. Maybe now youll appreciate us. While you’re spending the week at- Rock and roll fantasy camp! The Rolling Stones' Rock n’ Roll Fantasy Camp!

But, Mom-- It's for your own safety. Take that, safety boy. This padding's so easy on the knuckles, I could punch all day.

Help! Help! I've been thinking about what Bart said. If he's really interested in being a musician let's buy him a guitar.

Wow. Um-- I started an organic compost pile at home. Only at home? You mean you don't pocket-mulch? Oh, it's so decomposed. Do you think I could join Dirt First? Well, we might have an opening at the poseur level. Oh, thank you, thank you.

jump to the rhythm jump, jump to the rhythm, jump

Whoo-hoo! Eat my shorts, Shelbyville! Eat my shorts!

Run! They're getting away Stop them, Mary Kay

for your lenient stance on crime. But suppose for a second that your house was ransacked by thugs, your family tied up in the basement with socks in their mouths! You try to open the door, but there's too much blood on the knob-- What is your, uh, question? My question's about the budget, sir.

What kind of show you got for us, Mr. Burns? Well, the ape's going to stand around for three hours or so.

For shame. Oh, this is horrible. My spit takes all have blood in 'em! Look, I'm really sorry. "Sorry" don't suture my colon! And you're off my show forever!

Remember, people have certain expectations about the "Life Ways" section. Really? Like what? Oh, I don't know. Astrology, Broom-Hilda, vacation horror stories, articles about Chronic Fatigue Syndrome-- you know, chick crap.

Nice work, Smithers.

just a statue ? Is the Statue of Liberty just a statue ? Is the Leaning Tower of Pizza just a statue ?

You give me fever when you touch me fever when you hold me tight fever ha Kill me. Well, Seymour, it seems we put together...

Orlando? Are we going to Sea World? No. Disney World? Uh-uh. Universal Studios? 'Fraid not. Leisure World? Sorry, Grampa. Gator Gulch? You wish. Leisure World? Grampa, you're not even going.

...blarney. Shh!

Even you? No, not me. Never.

Who wearS Short shorts i wear short shorts

And where exactly are you going? I'm auditioning for a play. Well, this is the first I've heard about it. I told you several times. It's a musical version of A Streetcar Na-- Excuse me, Marge! I think that if you told me, I would remember. I mean, I'm not an idiot!

(DOORBELL RINGING) A Buddha statue? We cannot leave it outside. It is bad feng shui. Feng shui? I thought that was just a trick to sell crappy end tables to the West.

What's with all the questions? just some report I gotta do for school. - Hey, you want some pie? - Sure. We've got a lot of catching up to do. Mmm.

your famous film-- the one you destroyed before the trial and haven't been able to find another copy of. Oh, yes. That film. Yes. You don't have a copy, do you? Krusty, have you ever seen this so-called animation genius before? Yes, I have.

Is there nothing I can do? Well, perhaps. Smithers, go to my office. In the third drawer of my desk are... surgical tools and some ether.

Oh, I hate them all! Noble idiot, bring in the pie! (TRUMPETS PLAYING) I dedicate this pie to the backbone of the feudal system. The serfs!

Yee-haw! Homer,

D'oh! Ow! Oh, Lisa, thank God you're okay. D'oh! Ow! D'oh! Ow! You said to crush him, right? No!

So sit back and enjoy a night of worry-free-- What the fudge-- Oh, for Pete's sake! Jiminy Christmas! Darn it!

Oh, terrible, just terrible. They seem to get worse every year. Ha, ha, ha!

Eh-- Oh. Don't worry, Mrs. Simpson. We've helped hundreds of people in danger. We'll give you a new name, a new job, new identities. Whoo! I wanna be john Elway.

these alternative rockers and my favorite bartender.

You were going broke because we were your only customers. Wasn't that the problem in the first place, that you were going broke? Moe? Moe?

Stupid Marge. Tell me to shut up. Thank you. Tonight I'd like to try something different. It's a song I wrote while I was mopping up your dried blood and teeth. You work all day for some old man - Sweat and break your back Yeah.

ALL: Hit the red button! Hit the red button! HOMER: Hit the red button! (ALL EXCLAIMING) HOMER: Ew! Maggie, press the red button! I know, we'll use reverse psychology. Maggie, don't press the red button. Damn it!

just remember, Son-- whatever happens, I'll always love you. As? As? As a father. A father. Regular father. Whew.

Well, I gotta run. Oh, God! Where's Bart?

Behold the can of mystery! The label vanished many years ago. What strange wonders lie inside? Treasure, dog food? Whoa! Some things man is not meant to know.

as a young boy, I dreamed of being a baseball. But tonight I say we must move forward, not backward, upward, not forward... and always twirling, twirling, twirling towards freedom!

Oh, our transaction is completed. You may take the boy. Wait!

Hurry up, boys. We've gotta get these toy poodles to the pet shop. All right, Fat Tony, your little game is over! Hey, how'd you find us?

Hallelujah! Now I can show all of you what I've come to realize. The reason we're not allowed in the forbidden barn... is because there is no intergalactic spaceship. He's taken our money just so he can... build one hell of a spaceship!

Now, class. From the top. Five, six, seven.

We should really take some time to talk and- I'd just end up hurting you. You know, Moe, lwasjust thinking. My problems with Marge started because I drinktoo much. And then tonight, alcohol only made things worse. Maybe all of my problems are actually caused by-

And he'll overhaul your heart

Well, I guess we don't have to do that. Um, look, Dad. I got something to tell you. Can it wait, son ? It's getting kinda dark.

Good ol' Judge Snyder. Next defendant, Bartholomew J. Simpson. Well, showtime. Why, hello, Bart. Say, are those new shoes? Yes, they are, Roy. Judge Snyder? While we're young? Oh, sorry.

- Tell you what, Smithers. Have him beaten to a pulp ! - But, sir-- - But what ? - Nothing, sir. Oh, I've never seen Mr. Burns this mad, and he's always kind of mad.

And now our parody of Mad About You entitled... "Mad About Shoe." Gimme a kiss, baby. No tongue. You're not gonna like our "NYPD Shoe" sketch. It's pretty much the same thing. Ma, could you get me some milk?

Mommy, why wasn't I baptized? You see? You see? I thought America was hungry for meaning. I should've just sent a crocodile into space like I originally planned. Oh. Homie, I think you did great. And to celebrate, I made omelets from the eggs people threw at our house.

I'm not gonna quote you a price till I check your credit rating. And let me-- I want to make myself clear on this. This is a formality. If you're saying to me, "Bob, is this guy good for it ?" I say, "Yes." I don't check this machine, but I don't own the place, even though my name's up there.

Here it comes. Beloved by children. Yes, the little ones. Thought to be thousands of years old... I have been 89 for a while now. We'll miss you, Geezer Rock. (SPITS)

How's that door coming, Willy? Miracles are your department, Reverend. Uh, while we're waiting, why don't I read from the Sunday bulletin? Card table for sale. Top badly damaged. Leg missing. Otherwise fine. One dollar or best offer.

Maybe I should just give up now and settle into a mindless, happy stupor.

You've made a powerful enemy today, my friend. Wow. I never seen you have so many lunch beers before, Homer. Oh, I... concur. Word-a-day Calendar. I'm just trying to work up the courage to ask Burns for a raise.

i'm home, everybody! Gee, the house looks great. Mom, I lost Dad and Bart. Lost them? What do you mean? I tricked them into thinking they had leprosy. Hansen's disease. You know, like that horrible cream soda. Well, Dad and Bart ran away, and no one seems to know where they went.

Doh ! Mmm, why don't I go talk to the children ?

You and Dad were drawn to each other as kids and you didn't even realize it! Yes. And then your father broke my heart. And if I'd known it was you, I never would have married you. Oh, this is so confusing! I'd like a brief recess. Granted. (BANGS GAVEL) Whee! Recess! (DOOR SLAMS SHUT)

Please, the sign is clearly posted, sir. Oh, God. You smokers disgust me. Hey, 'pu, you got a breakfast cereal for people with syphilis? Hands up, scuzbag! No, not you. The smoking scuzbag.

But when you found the truth you couldn't take it. You couldn't stand that you devoted your life to a fraud, so you covered it up, didn't you? Didn't you? No. No. That-- That's preposterous. I mean, I-- I couldn't. YOu-- You can't-- Stop it! Where's the silver tongue?

Go ahead and laugh. But I took a chance and did something I wanted to do. And if that makes me a sissy, well, then, I guess I'm a sissy.

Eh. I don't understand, Marge. Doesn't Homer work a standard 18-hour day? Eighteen hours? Nobody works that hard. Mm-mmm! Mm-mmm! But he does work every day, right? Well, pretty much, except weekends. Week-ends?

By summer's end, I promise you will all walk like ladies, talk like ladies, and hold your liquor like ladies. Now chin up, head back, legs together. Excellent. Girls, see how Marge's legs are slanted? You make Jackie O look like a splay-legged milk-horse. Now stand and walk.

Well, geez! I'm a little nervous here. What I'm trying to say is I'm-- You're what? Selling light bulbs? Worried about the whales? Keen on jesus? Out with it! Well, Mr. Burns, I'm your son. Oh, and I stepped on one of your peacocks. You got a paper towel?

Oh! Milhouse is selling seeds, and he's coming this way-- Oh, the birds got him. Not the face!

(GUN COCKS) Come on! Shoot me a new one! Ooh. I'm so scared. Ned Flanders is pointing a gun at me! You couldn't even shoot me by accident, even if I whacked the barrel like this! Blip-blip-blip. (LAUGHING) Blip-blip-blip. Quit whacking my barrel!

What about that little boy who got appendicitis from eating your cereal? To prove that this metal "0" is harmless, I will personally eat one.

Tonight, we've all come to honor a close friend of ours. Boring! A man who provided the Burns Corporation with 45 years of faithful service, Mr. Jack Marley. Boring! Mr. Burns, if you don't mind,

I can go to work any way I want. Psst! Bishop to queen four. We're playing dominoes. I said bishop to queen four. All right, all right, ya--

You could nuzzle me all night. That's enough. I said that's enough! Well, look at this. You dragged me back to my old neighborhood! And it hasn't changed a bit. DSL! DSL! Who will buy my high-speed connections?

Surprise? What surprise? (BLOWING HORNS) (ALL GROAN) Way to go, Homer. Ugh! That's six years planning down the drain! I'm sorry. I'll just sit over here until you stop being mad at me. Oh, great, Homer! I bake a cake shaped like Lenny's favorite barstool, and you wreck it!

I feel like the luckiest woman in Springfield. Oh! He loves the nightlife he loves manjula - the man they call apu oh, yeah Oh! He has trained a bird to sing to me. Limo out front. Tickets to opera, front row loge.

Can you look even more pathetic? Oh, that's beautiful! We could make a fortune! But wouldn't that make us con artists? Well, yeah. But God conned me out of 6,500 bucks in car repairs.

Yes, you're right, Milhouse. It is a fake, which makes it a fake I.D. A fake I.D.? Cool!

And I didn't need molded plastic to improve my physique. Pure West. And how come Batman doesn't dance anymore? Remember the Batusi?

Yeah. Well, how was the concert? Well, sir, I've never heard a preacher use the M-F word so many times. Anyway, thanks again. Hey, it was fun. My kids are sick of all my stories. But they just can't get enough of me. Can Mr. Simpson watch us every day?

We're gonna sell him to Mr. Nikapopolus? You're a dull boy, Billy.

Do you have my teeth?

Yay! Whee! It's a miracle no one was hurt.

Carl, let me die first. I couldn't bear to watch you die. Well, okay, but hurry up.

Psst. Marge, come take a look at this. Oh ! The little tiger tries so hard. Why does he keep failing ? just a little dim, I guess.

We're going downhill and I can't reach the brakes! (BOTH SCREAM) Look! "Runaway Truck Lane!" We're saved! (TIRES SCREECHING)

Ladies and gentlemen boys and girls... Duff Beer, in association with Laramie Cigarettes is proud to welcome Spinal tap! We are the children who grew too fast

Oh, a smoker, eh? Well, I have ways of dealing with you. Squirt, squirt, squirt. Your lungs will thank me.

so they wont come back as zombies and- Get him!

Oh, come on, Dad, anything but that. Homer, couldn't we pawn my engagement ring instead ? Now, I appreciate that, honey, but we need $150 here ! Afternoon, Simpson. What can I do for ya ?

Charlie Callas doesn't sleep in the ground. Yes, I'm still alive, and I'm making my sounds.

I don't know why I came here in the first place. Hello, Helen. Marge. - Edna. - Marge. Uh-- Oh-- Oh, my name is Agnes, and you know it's Agnes! It means lamb. Lamb of God. I'm sorry, Agnes. Marge.

Look. There it is. Oh, Homie. Homie, I'm so sorry I doubted you.

Yeah, right. "Bread." You said, "Go to bread." I said, "Go to bed." Yeah. "Go to bread." B-E-D! Bed! Oh! "Bed"! Oh. Well, anything you say, Sis.

Homer, go back to the garage. And here it is. Wow! How many home runs you going to hit with that? We play 30 games, ten at bats a game-- 3,000.

Oh, yes, and punish Lisa for lying to us. All right, young lady. March yourself directly to the Kwik-E-Mart and get me some chips and a beer. Get a little somethin' for yourself, sweetheart.

Well-- Come on, come on. Hurry up. "I guess you could say it's my racket." I guess you could say I'm Iraqi. Get off my property. So from now on, all hats are banned from the school. Even bonnets? Especially bonnets.

I think this is the best neighborhood in town. Anybody agree with me?

Mr. Simpson, before we can insure you, we need to ask you some questions. Have you ever had a heart attack? Haven't we all? Strokes? None. No, wait, three. (LAUGHS) Since the last one, I don't remember so good. Are you a smoker? Yes, I am. You don't smoke! (SHUSHING) I want her to think I'm cool!

Oh, I just made things worse. A few clumsy gestures aren't gonna make up for 10 years of neglect. Marge deserves someone who will treat her right.

"You are my brother. "I love you. "And yet I feel a great sadness... in my bosom."

Ovulate, damn you. Ovulate! You are out of sperm. Hey, baby. Remember me?

you are going to be left back. You mean I have to repeat the fourth grade? Well, yes. But not for four or five years. Bart, you're going to kindergarten. Kindergarten! Ha! Now, boys and girls, who knows what this is? Triangle. Very good, Bart!

Get out of my way!

Okay, Apu! I accept your apology.

Hey! Mr. Prime Minister! Andy! Aye, mates? What's the good word?

Now, make yourself at home. Perhaps a glass of Bordeaux? I have the '82 ChÂteau Latour and a rather indifferent Rauzan-SÉgla. I've been in prison, Cecil.

What's your name, young man ? Bart Simpson, sir. Hmm. Well, perhaps we can shed some light... on your problem in a new segment exploring preadolescent turmoil. I call it "Choices." I don't think so, sir. Bart, I'm reaching out to you. So, what's on your mind, Bart ?

Hey, jiggles! Grab a pad and back that gorgeous butt in here. Oh, you. Get away! Ah, don't act like you don't like it.

All of 'em great. I did the commercials myself. Remember kids, Drunken Cowboy brand whiskey is smooth as milk!

Shut up! Some of us prefer illusion to despair.

And three, our six-term mayor, the illiterate, tax-cheating, wife-swapping, pot-smoking spend-o-Crat, Diamond joe Quimby. Hey, I am no longer illiterate! Now, why are we doomed to this Quimby quagmire, you ask, O Reasonable Listener? Because this town is under the stranglehold of...

I can honestly say that was the most fun I've ever had. The mill, the history, all that gorgeous foliage. I can't "exscape" Lisa, our little walking "libary." Can't they get a pole for that sign?

Bart, what are you doing? Hey, what the-- Hmm. All right. Robots be right back. Whoo!

Now, let's clear this up. Who exactly are you? Sergeant Seymour Skinner, U.S. Army. it's true. i was in his platoon. But they said you were killed on that scouting mission.

My mom ditched me. She went to Hollywood to be an actress. But her range is limited. (SOBS) Oh! She's still your mother. Come inside. Hmm?

Married? Was it consummated?

Man, these are primo seats. I could really go for a hot dog. Homer, this is an operation! Hot dogs! Get your hot dogs here! Whoo-hoo!

Now, Marge, if the unthinkable should happen, you're gonna be lonely--

You're fired! Dance! Dance!

Martin. Martin! I'll curse that name till the day I die! Huh? "Who is your son's hero?" Three-time soap box derby champion, Ronnie Beck. Wow. I'm one question away from being a perfect father. "Name another dad you talk to about parenting."

PHILIPPA: I believe I can answer that. How'd you get in here? Your butler let us in. Play along. I'll explain later.

Bart Simpson has promised us a fireworks display. Cool! Wow! What a week. - He promise a big firework "dispray." - Bad student. Uh-uh. Bad principal. Oh! So, my friends, let's just junk those dumb-o-crats...

I'll get the gate. That's okay, Son. I'll take care of him. Faster, Son! He's got a taste for meat now!

Hey, where is she? There you are.

She's put cardboard over her half of the television. We rented Man Without a Face. I didn't even know he had a problem! What should I do? Well, maybe you should read your Bible. Um, any particular passage? Oh, it's all good. All right. Thanks anyway. Reverend, I hate to say this,

reading TV Guide, um, writing to TV Guide and renewing TV Guide. Now, we don't usually do this, but we have some witnesses. Come in, Arthur. Now, where did Bart stick the fireworks?

Ah, this is kind of relaxing. But it's so hard to turn off my brain. I have to stop thinking, starting now. Hey, it worked! Oh, no. That's thinking. Boring.

Thanks, Mom. Hey, where's my pony? Yes! Merry Christmas to us all. I'm serious. Make with the pony. And a happy and healthy new year. Here, Clip-Clop! Here, pony, pony! Happy, happy, new year!

I've heard of these guys. You can wave your arms at 'em and make funny faces, and they just have to stand there and take it. (JIBBERING) Homer, no! Stop! You're thinking of Buckingham Palace! What? (GRUNTING)

Oh, yeah? Whoa!

Only my hairdresser knows for sure.

Your family can't help you now. Oh, no, Dad's been drugged. No, he hasn't.

(SUCKING) I used to love Springfield Park. But it's gotten so run-down. (MEN MOANING) (DOG HOWLING)

Hmm? Oh. Just a dream. But tonight I will taste... the sweet nectar of vengeance! Bug spray.

Lots of good things for growing bodies... and some treats just for fun. AY, caramba ! Are you going bowling again tonight, Mom ? Well, yes, I am, as a matter of fact. Here's more treats. Your dad will take care of dinner. Mmm, Wednesday. Hoagie night.

Lousy prize-grabbing, badge-wearing-- AAah!

Why, you could wake up dead tomorrow. Well, good night. Krusty! Mom! I just saw Krusty!

Uh-oh. Lateral to Bart. D'oh! My spine. Oh, honey, that is egg-ceptional.

But you stepped over the line just a little bit, so I'll have to give you a five. And that gives you a final score of... 295. Looks like Daddy won. But 295 is awfully good for a baby. Yes, it is. It's very good.

Hmm. Maybe Burns ain't so great. This little girl has given us a lot to mull. Hey, you mugs, thinking ain't drinking! Hey! Ow! Okay. Bring that girl to me. I'm sorry, Mr. Burns, but my paper is not for sale.

Where's the hose? Bringing up the rear. Oh! Are you as excited as I am? Oh, yeah! Well, here goes.

Dad, those peanuts aren't for you. - They're for the elephant. - Screw him! Put me down! Ganesh commands you! Well, so far, so good. Don't you think? I cannot wait to show you our apartment. Apartment? Oh, no. No, no.

Yarr. Hey, Sea Captain. Giving your toys a Viking funeral, eh? I really don't want to talk about it. If you change your mind, I won't be far. Thanks, but...

And, may I say, your mustache looks thick and hearty- fully Italian. Try-a the cheese-a pizza.

Okay, that was the sand movie. Now, it'll just take me a second to set up our next movie. Uh, Miss Hoover, movies are a nice break, but couldn't we be doing something a little more challenging? Probably.

Promise me you wont tell anyone about it. I wont But these things have a way of getting out. Ha-hal Baby Stink Breath! It was worth it. I just wish there was some way to get back at my dad. When my mom wants to get back at my dad, she uses her lawyer. Does it make him cry? More than normal.

Running after the car, huh? Let's see if you can follow this! That's it. J; - Where to, pal? - Moe’s Tavern.

My name is Steve Barnes. (JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING) So, when do they start singing? Well, the Playdude Advisor says this music will get a stewardess to give you a layover. I hope it's in Omaha. My grammy lives there. MARGE: Bart, can you come in here for a second?

seem like a beautiful dream. Ahh. Hi, everybody.

Maggie? Maggie? Maggie?! Oh... hoo...

What are you gonna do with your million dollars? Throw it in the pile, I suppose.

This place wont be inhabitable for another six months. But where will we live? Dont worry.

Oh, no. What if they botch it? I won't have a dad... for a while.

To take you in the sun to promised lands to show you everyone it's the time of the season For loving

I shouldn't have shaken hands with those old people. I hope that flu doesn't affect his performance out there.

Lovin' till the morning Ooh, I hear this really sucks. Hmm, director's commentary. I'm sorry. I am really sorry.

"Laser wart removal." Wow! The future is here. Hey, where's Bart? Ladies and gentlemen, I'm sorry to disturb your pleasant ride, but unlike yourselves, I was born without taste buds. Let me demonstrate.

Gettin' your taxes out of the way? No. just mailin' out death certificates... for holiday-related fatalities.

Bumblebee Man, mi tree house es su bee house. Reverend, love the cassock. Moleman, lookin' good.

Go wild! Ha! Right, Seymour? Yes, something wild. Yeah, enjoy, huh? Get something fun. - Something stupid. - You only live once. - Speak for yourself. Marge, kids, let's go buy some happiness.

When wintertime rolls around, the gorillas simply freeze to death. Hmm. I'm proud of you, boy. Mmm. Loganberry. I don't get it, Bart. You got all upset when you killed one bird,

What in blazes? Good Lord! That's a 900 number.

Yeah, I know I'm on. But I don't care. I don't read the news until I get my Danish. Go ahead. Try to find a replacement. Aah!

Blasted! In fact, to pay for the construction... and operation and demolition of our new derrick, the school will have to eliminate all nonessential programs: music-- What? and maintenance. I'll kill that Mr. Burns! And wound that Mr. Smithers. Out of my way!

Mmm. Say, sport. Mind if I have the next dance? What the-- Don't sneak up on a-- Are you-- No need for the blown gasket, Charlie. I'll have her back in one piece.

Check. Check. Hello, Capital City. Oh, way to make a guitar, Sears.

And please, God, kill Sideshow Bob. Bart, no! It's him or me, O Lord! You can't ask God to kill someone! Yeah! You do your own dirty work.

This character named Martin was feeling rather randy, and he was heard to remark-- Don't you ever come near my daughter again! Never have I heard such gratuitous use of the word "butt"!

just give me some kind of signal. Dad, the mailman's here. That's a good one. We'll use that. No, I mean the mailman's here ! Dear God ! Are you planning to water the mail ?

Is it true you attempted suicide when you heard the news? Are you and Princess Di just friends? You people make me sick! You're vultures! Where were you when I sang at Farm Aid? Out of my way, you parasites! I said, out of my way! I'm no fake. I'm the real Krusty.

I know one of you is responsible for this. So repeat after me: If I withhold the truth, may I go straight to hell, where I will eat naught but burning-hot coals... and drink naught but burning-hot cola.

Bob is not here. We have searched every square inch of this base, and all we have found is porno, porno, porno!

one last ride. To everything turn, turn, turn This is Kent Brockman-- There is A season turn, turn, turn reporting.

giggling like a schoolgirl.

So I usually sneak a little meat juice into her vegetables.

And white blood cells are attacking my clothes! Although I must admit they know where to stop. We'll have to lighten the ship, which means one of us has to stay behind.

No on 24. No on 24. No on 24. No on 24. No on 24. It's a landslide! Yes on 24.

Hmm. Marge, what's my blood type ? A-positive. Aw, nuts. Extremely rare blood, and I don't have it. You know his blood type ? How romantic. A mother knows everything about her family. - What's my shoe size ? - Four "B." - How many teeth do I have ? - Sixteen permanent, eight baby. Earmuffs ? XL. Ring ? I don't want you wearing rings. It looks cheap. But three.

It's just a piece of paper. It's mine!

They taste like burning.

My sister was making cupcakes this morning and-- I'll see you at the flagpole at 3:15. And you better be prompt. He has four other beatings scheduled this afternoon.

Boring! Come on, you schnorrers! Do something!

by enrolling at the Lanley Institute. Actual institute may not match photo. Marge, I wanna be a monorail conductor. Homer, no. It's my lifelong dream. Your lifelong dream was to run out on the field during a baseball game, and you did it last year, remember?

Hey-- Ooh! Ohh! So what's the charge, Chief? Vandalism? Smoking? You know what you did, Muntz. Burglary and arson.

So how was your day?

you don't do your daddy's Will ow Hmm.

Thus ends the rule of law. Look at those looters breaking windows, setting fires! They're living my dream, and you won't let me join them! - Please, can I throw one little-- - No. What if I just burn down a-- No. Can I at least incite further-- No.

shake, shake, shake shake your booty shake your booty oh, shake, shake, shake shake, shake, shake shake your booty

Yeah! Any Poindexter can throw some nuts and bolts together. You risked your own life.

Homer, my sister is not going out with Barney Gumbel ! Hey, Selma is no prize pig herself, you know. Bart, come cheer up your Aunt Selma. Okay. What did you learn in school today ?

Quit complaining, chrome dome.

Ned, you nearly died of a brain tumor. Thank goodness that bowling ball knocked it out of your head! (CHUCKLES) Welcome back, dawg. (SCREAMS) (GASPS) My, you look awfully pale. Let's get you some fresh air.

Henry, sorry I bore you a daughter. (CHUCKLES) Stop. Anne, I love her as much as I love you. (DRUM ROLL) Your head lives for five seconds afterwards so I left a magazine in the basket. Oh, my horoscope!

D'Oh! They fight, they bite they fight aNd bite and fight

What Native American activity should we do? Making wallets. Faking crop circles. Respecting nature? Geez! No wonder these guys lost the Civil War.

Call me old-fashioned, but movies were sexier when the actors kept their clothes on. Vilma Banky did more with one raised eyebrow than an entire-- Warning. Problem in sector 7-G. Good God! Who's the safety inspector there?

Is it the Jewish thing? 'Cause I can change that. I'm Carlton Witherspoon III. Where's my 5-iron?

Your husband is quite the gentleman. Most people laugh at my googly eye.

Was A sister and a cousin only started with A little kiss like this...

Oh, I see. Willie's not funny unless he's down on his knees... scooping up your little brats' puke! Thank you! You've been great!

But you seemed so happy in the ocean. All that playful leaping--

We estimate the damage at $75, and frankly, we think it's terribly unfair that other taxpayers should foot the bill. Yeah, it's a crummy system, but what are you gonna do ? Oh, no. He can't mean that. My wife thinks you want me to pay for it. That was the idea. Oh.

Oh, what are you gonna do, call your godfather, huh? "Oh, Godfather"--

Mesquite-grilled onions, jalapeño relish. Wait a minute. Those are southwestern ingredients! Mango lime salsa? That's the kind of bold flavor they enjoy in... Albuquerque!

Lisa, we're going. But I can't find Happy Little Allison Tinkly-Winkly Town. just grab something. All these movies are great.

Stop kicking me, Dad. Never! My dream has been shattered into shards of a broken dream. l was so close to being a rock star... but now there's a chance it might not happen. I'll just have to settle for being a fat, bald, fat nothing.

So the children learned to function as a society. And eventually, they were rescued by, oh, let's say Moe.

Yeah. Just pop my shoulder back in. Ooh. Thanks, buddy. Hey, I lost my turn. Oh! My arm. Whee-- Ow! I bit my tongue. Each leap brings us closer to God. - Catch me, Lord. Catch me. Wh-- - Ow!

Baby, baby, baby, baby-

of William Dawes or even Samuel Otis. Congratulations, Ned. You are our new town crier. D'oh! May your shrill, nasal voice ring throughout our streets and brains. Well, thankily-dank, Mayor. I shan't disappoint.

Oh... Look, girls. A policeman is here. We've been awfully naughty. You better lay down the law. (UPBEAT MUSIC RESUMES) (ALL CHEERING) Ladies, ladies, I really am a cop.

Shame on all of you. Give me my dignity. I just came here to see Honk if You're Horny! in peace. Sir, if you just quiet down, I'd be happy to treat you to a garbage bag full of popcorn.

I wish we lived in the kitty house. I could've trained them to be my unholy army of the night. Go, my pretties. Kill! Kill! We were about to give up, when we found a house that was perfect. just imagine what we can do with this place.

There's our secret meeting place. - Yes. Let's go inside. - Sounds good. Whoop!

Fire can be our servant, whether it's toasting s'mores or raining down on Charlie. But it can turn not so nice, as you'll see in this skit... by the Volunteer Fire Department Players. What a great pot party! Wasn't it, man?

Good morning, honey. Did you cry out all your "angries'"? ldon’t think so. Oh. Lisa's still mad at me. I'm still mad at you for chopping up my skateboard with an ax. I did it for the insurance money. Hmm! Look, Lisa. I'm still trying to get to know you.

Ring-a-ding-ding, sir.

Why, you little..!

And look at the way they've slathered those pigs with cosmetics. So sad. Yet so sexy. Yet so delicious.

I should have said, "Limit: One per customer." Shoulda but didna, so hand 'em over.

I cannot do it! To murder a funnyman of such genius...

I've really gotta get dinner started. Me too. I also have to go. Boo!

you're gonna take that course over again without cheating. Oh, Marge! You're worse than that crusty old dean. Well, I guess it's back to college for me. That means it's time to-- What did I teach you guys? Par-ty down? Yes!

Get up, Homer. It's time for church. I don't wanna go. It's church. You have to go. Too cold out. I'm tired of having this argument every Sunday. Get dressed. Oh, stupid, itchy church pants.

I am not happy. And I haven't been happy for a long time. I want a divorce! I-- I-- A... divorce? Sure. Divorce. Hey, you got it, toots!

Excuse me. Where do I throw this ? - Over there. - Thank you. You're gonna need a lane. No, thanks. I'm here out of spite. Can't bowl without a lane. Well, all right. Here you go. You keep score on this. What size shoes do you wear ?

Our speed bumps are stronger too. i don't know, Simpson. How do i know you didn't cut your own brakes?

It's going back for more. Oh...

Repossessing stuff is the hardest part of my job.

The young people. All right! Yeah! Cool concert. Am I right? Yeah, nice try, narc. Where's the narc? Who? That fat jamaican guy. What'd I say? What's goin' on? Hey, we're just tryin' to have a good time, narc. Why do you want to destroy us?

Why doesn't mine look like that? Why? Da-- Why?

You’re way off. Think smaller. Think more legs. Ugh. People, we went through something magical together... and it's not important who got rich off of whom... or who was exposed to tainted what... and because you believed in my dream... I want you to fight over the last Ribwich ever made. Here.

Arr! Help. I was tied here by teenage pirates. The following schools are closed today: Shelbyville, Ogdenville, Ogdenville Tech, and Springfield Elementary... My Dear Watson Detective School. Ohh! And lastly, Springfield Elementary School...

The big guy's asleep. Please advise. Over. Whack him with the hymnai Cher. - Roger that big-time. - Cyohl Why, you little- f Chuckling f Oh, hi, Jesus. i wasjust- Wow, honey. Eating dinner downstairs is great. Isnt it, kids?

See you later, Bart.

Stan Lee came back? Stan Lee never left. And I'm starting to think that his mind is no longer in mint condition. You broke my Batmobile! Broke, or made it better?

Got any fruits or vegetables? Hey! Mr. Wimbley, it happened again. Now to absorb some local color through the magic of A.M. radio. ...Book of Revelations tells us...

Aw, stupid ice! I always knew I would die caked in something. Well, better turn off that engine before those fumes put us in tombs. Wait. Let's just leave it on... till we forget our troubles. Mm, sounds like a plan.

we have confiscated every doughnut, bagel, cruller and bear claw in the city-- And some coffee. This morning Mr. X reported that your own department-- I know, I know. But I assure you, the police do not take prisoners out of their cells... and race them... anymore. What about using the electric chair to cook chicken?

What's wrong with my sundaes? Careful, I'm frail.

First of all, forget everything you learned in missionary school. Done. We taught them some English... and ridiculed away most of their beliefs. So you can take it from there. Bye!

Why don't you run a hamster through a maze? Help me! Help me! What's so funny? Oh. Uh, I was just thinkin' of a joke I saw on Herman's Head.

In the absence of a repressive milieu, your societal niche has been co-opted.

Traditionally, the academy tested these virtues... by pitting you against each other in a two-day battle royale. That was prior to 1957. Thank you very much, state supreme court. Consequently now, no cadet can receive a passing grade for the academic year... without first conquering this.

I'm with ya, Homer. Shut up, Flanders.

Uh, Ralph's a little afraid of the dark, Bart. Is it okay to sleep with a night-light? Absolutely. Good night, guys.

What about my cat, Snowball ? I'm sorry, but the answer is no. Will there be cavemen in heaven ? Certainly not. Um, ma'am, what if you're a really good person, but you're in a really, really bad fight... and your leg gets gangrene, and it has to be amputated, Will it be waiting for you in heaven ? For the last time, Bart, yes !

Flight crew, prepare for takeoff. I think I'll go get a picture of the plane taking off. Marge, what's wrong? Are you hungry? Sleepy? Gassy? Gassy? Is it gas? It's gas, isn't it?

Smithers? My parents insisted I give it a try, sir. Mayor Quimby! Uh, well, that could be any mayor.

I bet he could build a nuclear power plant if he wanted to. All right, Sparrow. We know you're in there. We'll give you one minute to surrender. Oh, my ! Ooh, trouble in the neighborhood. Let's check it out. I'm his neighbor. What did he do ?

Now I'll ruin you like a japanese banquet. I'll take your head and-- Gorbachev? What-- What are you doing here? I just dropped by with present for warming of house. Instead find you grappling with local oaf.

No. The world needs laughter.

The problem: constant flying saucer attacks. The solution-- And thus the Earth is saved. Hurrah. That's a winner, Steve. That's quite an act to follow, Lisa. I know. And the crowd is so distinguished. The inventor of the walkie-talkie is out there.

If I don't get a "C" average, my dad won't let me go to Kamp Krusty. Well, it isn't fair to the other children, but all right. Much obliged, doll! Oh, Bart Simpson, I'm gonna miss you. Attention, everyone. This is Principal Skinner.

Oh! I guess I was the last one. Damn it. These other dishes look so pretty. And those cheaters blackened my sugar wieners. I'd like to give those Betty Crookeds a taste of their own medicine.

How silly of me. This'll be the best Christmas yet. The best any family ever had. Ho ho ho. Ho ho ho.

I laid out your jammy-jams. Dad, if there's a really special girl, and she likes some clod who's beneath her, what should you do? I married her! Homer, please. I just had eggs.

Wow! Thanks, Sparkle. Wait... This isn't you. That's the old Sparkle. Get your worthless butts in the van. We got three more schools. Let's go, go, go!

So long, suck--

Hey, I'm paying for a silk-lined coffin,

Next week is the Taste of Springfield Festival. You'll be reviewing every restaurant in town. Remember, people have certain expectations about the "Life Ways" section. Really? Like what? Oh, I don't know. Astrology, Broom-Hilda, vacation horror stories,

Sorry, Donkey Kong. You are just not a draw anymore.

Can he say that? You know what else scares me? Everything. Get that one! Faster! You gotta have time for the other ones. Oh! Good. Oh, no! That one's slowin' down!

S... P... R... I... N... G... F... E... E... L... D ! Springfield ! Here's the pitch. Swung on and missed. Strike three. Topes lose.

Magic powers! Wedding after wedding after wedding. And did someone say long-lost triplets?

well, I feel sorry for you. Don't feel sorry for me, Mom. I feel sorry for you. Next on Smartline, the Springfield angel controversy. Our guest tonight, making her 13th appearance on Smartline, Miss Lisa Simpson. Kent.

Stealing! How could you? Haven't you learned anything from that guy who gives those sermons at church? Captain What's-his-name? We live in a society of laws! Why do you think I took you to all those Police Academy movies?

You have selected regicide. If you know the name of the king or queen being murdered, press one. I'll save you, cast or no cast!

Did you see their faces, Smithers ? Sir, you're my god of generosity. Save a guy's life, and what do you get ? Nothing ! Worse than nothing ! just a big scary rock ! Hey, man, don't bad-mouth the head. Homer, it's the thought that counts. The moral of this story is, "A good deed is its own reward."

Well, I won the lottery too! We both won the lottery! Why don't you win the lottery too? Where everybody wins! Actual odds of winning: one in 380 million. The lottery-- exploiter of the poor and ignorant.

The den ! Great idea. Warm. No, cold.

Hurl this at that. At Lenny? But he's a war hero. Well, let's decorate him then. No! Not even for... four dollars? Ow! My eye! I'm not supposed to get pudding in it! That was capital. My lung is aching. I liked when I threw the pudding.

- He looks so lifelike, man. - Yes. The school nurse did a wonderful job... reconstructing his little face after the fight. Good-bye, son. I guess you were right. All that homework was a waste of your time.

Homer, this is Floyd. He's an idiot savant. He can multiply any two numbers in his head just like that. Five times nine. Forty-five. Wow! This guy is the chief. He's been here since 1968. Never says a word. Hey, Chief. Hello.

Who? Krusty the Clown.

Bart! So good to see you. I have a little favor to ask you. I'd like you to give this note to Edna when you get back to class. I don't think I have to tell you it's for her eyes only.

Not me! All right, Mr. Smartenheimer, that does it. First you're going to give back everything you've stolen. Then I'm sentencing you to one week of the lowest, most degrading work known to man-- janitorial work. Ahh, gee. I'm standing right here, sir. Oh, yes. Uh--

You're gonna blow it! Ah. That's what I get for having faith in ya.

And this is for the United States of America!

Uh, sorry. You gotta be a pilot to drink in here. Uh, but I am a pilot. Where's your uniform? Um, I stowed it safely in the overhead compartment. Well, you talk the talk. Here's a loaner. We need a pilot, pronto! Who wants to fly to the Windy City? I'll go! I'm your man!

Can you describe the bill? Describe? Sure. Of course. Whose picture's on it? It would have to be somebody famous. I'm gonna say, Hitler. Next.

No, no. Could you wear the Mr. Plow jacket? just, uh, for fun. Oh.

I don't care if you're Kristi Yamaguchi. No one leaves the building.

Hey! Whee! Where's my elephant? Where's my elephant? Where's my elephant? Where's my elephant? Hey, they're playing "The Elephant Song." I love that. Reminds me of elephants.

Wow, look at all these gadgets. If I were a nerd, I'd be in heaven.

Which came first, turkey the bird or Turkey the you guys? If you don't want to say it, just think it. Istanbul was Constantinople Now it's Istanbul not Constantinople Been a long time gone Constantinople

Now does this hurt? just a simple yes or no. Oh, I only wanted to show my school spirit. I wagered a large sum on the performance of that scholar athlete.

Of course not. I love each and every living thing on God's green earth. Well, therefore, you certainly would never lose your temper... over something as trivial as the pronunciation of "chowder." That's "chowdah!" "Chowdah!" I'll kill you! I'll kill all of you! Especially those of you in the jury!

You must die! - Hey, need any help, Homer? - Nah, we're cool. Marge! Now!

You said he was out of microscopes! Hey, check out this hood ornament I stole. With this glinting gewgaw... the beta male attempts to reclaim leadership of his herd. Oh, that's good narration. That's not a hood ornament.

Not many people know I owned... the first radio in Springfield. Weren't much on the air then. just Edison reciting the alphabet over and over. "A," he'd say.

Cool. So, you think she has talent? Sure. Do you think she could be a professional? Oh, Lord, no. But I'll practice every day. I'll be frank with you.

Where the devil are my ringers? Mike Scioscia may not live through the night. Steve Sax is looking at six life sentences. Ozzie Smith seems to have vanished off the face of the earth. Cool! What about Canseco?

I know. Let's go pick some huckleberries! Yeah! Huckleberries! All right! Daddy's key went in there. Hey, Ralph, you're braver than you thought. Wait for me!

Aww! Aww! So that's what's been wrong with the little fella. He misses casual sex.

Live from Springfield Harbor, where the sewage meets the sand--

Hey, that got her goin' ! Bitchin' ! Bart ! You don't even care ! You don't even care !

Hey, you nearly hit me on the head! Quit crowding the plate! Oh, you want a piece of me? j People, iet me teii you 'bout my best friend w'

I think I'll order a Tab.

Who should appear but the unrequited love of my college years-- Mimsie Bankcroft. Of course by then, Mimsie had her share of wrinkles... and a gray hair or two, but my adoring eyes saw past those minor imperfections, to her 21-year-old daughter, lily.

So, whether choking their son or poking some fun, the Simpsons will keep on gagging for years to come.

Oh, no. That's Maggie's mix tape! Then Maggie must’ve gotten- f Man f w' Sex bomb, sex bomb w' w' You 're m y sex bomb w' w' And, baby, you can turn me on my f Laughing f

Homer drunk? But how? Hmm.

Okay, guys. We push him out of the way in exactly three seconds.

Wow! This is the best anniversary ever!

Sure. Of course I do. But life goes on. Ashes to ashes. Turn, turn, turn. Long live rock, and so forth.

Yeah, all right, Moe! That's my Moo!

And one of the campers was eaten by a bear. Oh, my God! Well, actually, the bear just ate his hat. Was it a nice hat?

Sorry. Ah. Well, what do you got him peeing on? (SIREN BLARES) Well, well, well. Selling T-shirts without a permit.

Hey, sir, try our wax lips.

Wait! Please don't go. I get so lonely.

Well, maybe someone will give you one for Christmas. Now she'll really be surprised when she opens that ironing board cover. Must've been a pretty slow century.

Well, before I go, I've got some personal items for you. You belong to the Radio Shack Battery Club. Oh, 10 Canadian dollars. That's a souvenir from your trip to Upstate New York. You've led quite a life, Tamzarian. It's your life. I just kept it warm for you.

Yeah. How does he do it, Smithers ? He's a love machine, sir. Da, da, da Way to go, Dad. Uh-oh. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Stop the music.

Does the word "jet lag" mean anything to you people? Jet... Lag?

So pack your things. You're moving in with Company "L." Company "L"! But they smell. Yes, we've all heard the chant. Now fall out!

Mule. The name's Lanley, Lyle Lanley, and I come before you good people tonight with an idea. Probably the greatest-- Ah, it's not for you. It's more of a Shelbyville idea.

Sorry to lose you, Simpson. I don't think they're coming back. That does it, that does it. I'm looking at his cards. Oh, crap. I fold.

Dont make a fuss over me, boys. Just pour me a beer in a clean glass. Whoa, whoa, whoa. You said no fuss. Uh, lwouldn’t eat them peanuts. They're spit-backs. So, Krusty. .. are you ready to shoot this apple " my head? Well, ifby "shoot" you mean "teach''.,

You nurse with that mouth?

Ta-da, ta-da, ta-da! Lisa broke her own record by two whole pluses. Mom! Where did you get that?

How did you know? I'm psychic. Look, I don't know if I want a roofer who hangs out in bars. (SCOFFS) You're right, Marge. I guess I should look for roofers at poetry slams and yoga retreats. - High five! - Nah. I got standards. I don't hand out high-fives like Chiclets. Ray would high five me.

You want excitement? Shove this up your stocking! Ooh-hoo-whoa!

Bart, you're seeing Krusty everywhere... because you want to tell him you're sorry for causing his death. Would it help if I told you you're not responsible... for Krusty's death? Yes. Yes, it would. Well, I can't. You'll just have to learn to live with your mental problem. Wait a minute. All those things I saw-- there's a connection. The truck full of nets and buckets, the queasy guy, the lobsters--

So when do we start filming? Oh. Even Bart was throwin' dough around. He paid me and Carl a thousand bucks to kiss each other. Hey, did we ever get that money? But reckless spending and interracial homoeroticism...

Are you all right? I've had worse. In New Orleans, they hosed us with Tabasco. Oh, you're so heroic. All right, cow boy. I'll see you in "moo-nicipal" court. Good one, Chief. What? What'd I say?

Forget it, Homer. Let's just give them the stupid movie. Movies aren't stupid! They fill us with romance and hatred and revenge fantasies. Lethal Weapon showed us that suicide is funny. That really wasn't my intention.

ALL: Aloha. Oh. This is just like Hawaii. But you don't get beaten up if you leave the hotel. What gives? We just wanted to thank you. Because of the Xanax, I'm not overanxious about being a Simpson anymore. I am a little anxious about being on Xanax, but the Zoloft covers that nicely. (GULPS) My dad, the drug mule.

Oh, Marge doesnt think I'm sexy. What am I supposed to do? Hmm. Suicide, eh? Hmm? That's it! Thank you, outdoor advertising!

When Mr. Bergstrom smiles, you only see these teeth. But when you really make him laugh, you can see these two teeth. I think they're called the eye teeth. I don't know if he had orthodontic work, but they're absolutely perfect. - Mm, I notice little things about your father too. - No, Mom ! This is different. I mean, this man makes you feel like there's nobody better.

But I'd like to see you prove it. You treat me like garbage.

Dad, I think I need some fresh air. Can I go to the park? Do I have to sit up? No. Knock yourself out.

our government too springfield swings like A pendulum do we can't even get any local laws passed without everyone singing

While I was gone, I got some really good advice from Paul and Linda McCartney. Rock stars. Is there anything they don't know? I still stand by my beliefs. But I can't defend what I did. I'm sorry I messed up your barbecue. I understand, honey. I used to believe in things when I was a kid.

Hidilly-ho, neighboreenos. Can't talk. Robbed. Go hell.

(WAILING) Hey, a note.

How come I never get any mail? I'm sorry, honey. Here, you can have the junk mail. "Gas your termites," "Freeze your termites," "Zap your termites," "Save the termites." Hello! "Dear Occupant, because of your fine credit history,

Touch the stove. I cant take any more of these shows. If I wanted reality, I'd finally have this lump looked at.

I'd rather drink A beer than Win father of the year I'm happy with things the way they are I'm getting used to never getting noticed I'm stuck here till I can steal A car

Where are you taking me? Shut up. And take that stupid bag off your head. No, it smells like cinnamon.

Now that we're all friends again, why don't we make a foursome ? That sounds great.

Mmm, fattening. And he was cast into the fiery cauldron of hell!

And Zebra Girl, Zillionaire and Zoidzilla. And will there be any more splurging today? Oh, my, yes! Hmm. I'll take that hardbound Radioactive Man collection. Ah, a superb choice! In volume two, Radioactive Man travels through time...

I can taste his fear. What the-- Freddy, honey. I think something just dropped into the backseat. I'm not paying you to talk.

Aren't you glad we got out of the house... and came downtown for a little culture? They're butchering the classics. Could that bassoon have come in any more late? Oh, come on, Homer. There's lasers. You like lasers.

If there was some way to get rid of Flanders, would you want to come back? Ah, I must admit I do miss the school. Frankly, the army isn't quite as I remembered it. Up yours, Sergeant! Actually, it's exactly as I remembered it. I do want to come back, Bart,

I'm surprised he doesn't try to blame his problems on his Percodan addiction. It wasn't my fault. It was the Percodan. If you ask me, that stuff rots your brain. And now, a word from our new sponsor. Percodan? Aw, crap!

Read the "bosom" part again, Dad. Now, just a minute ! Bosom. Bart ! Huh ? I wish this family was as close as the Flanders. Okay. Okay. All right, all right. She's right.

I was thinking it might be time to combine our CD collections. I don't know, Edna. I'm not quite ready to take that plunge. Seymour, my larval sac fell in the toilet!

Hmm ! Hm, hm. Hmm ? Hee. Smooth as a baby's behind ! Ba, ba, ba-ba, ba-ba ba-ba, ba-ba, ba, ba Precious, I think I hear the doorbell. I think you're right, dumplin'. Bart ! Get the door !

- Ralph, I thought you were dead. - Nope! Rejoice, good people! Goliath the Terrible shall rule no more! But Goliath was the greatest king we ever had.

Then you can move on to bunion country.

Well, I say there are some things we don't wanna know-- important things.

Tell you what, Mr. Murdoch. Let's just split the difference. The boys and I will just crouch here quietly and take it easy on the snacks-- Silence! Seize them!

Christmases, birthdays, Easters, Kwanzaas, good report cards. Hmm, 75 bucks a pop plus interest and penalties. You owe me... $22,000. I'll Kwanzaa you!

Very good, Bart. And who invented Morse code? Oh. I should know this one. The-- The Leader? Ah. Correct again. He's wrong! You're wrong! The whole damn system is wrong!

You crushed my boyfriend! You better be good at making out! Today, Geezer Rock will be officially designated a national landmark. What's the big deal about a rock that looks like a dude? I've got a dad that looks like a monkey. Bart, you promised you'd stop making that comparison!

Ah, here comes one of our fellows now. I think I won, Mr. Burns. Now here's a couple that's been dating-- carbon dating! Grampa Simpson and Agnes Skinner!

Oh, look at those abs. Everyone here has a six-pack, and I'm the only one with a keg. Oh, God! Cover up!

You're a double-bacon genius-burger and just a little drunk

get him right in the family jewels. That little doozy's been a Simpson trademark for generations. Thanks, Pop. Whoa ! Put 'em up ! Ha ! Ooh !

Did you see that? Yeah. Funzo makes playtime fun!

I understand completely. I don't think I want to be tied down to anybody. Take me to some real men. Okay. You can watch my dad and my brothers beat me up. Come back home with Mama, Son. I'll make you some hot cocoa while you sit in your shame closet and think about what you did.

Ah, my love. A million poets could try for a million years and still describe but three-eighths of your beauty. Whoa, slow down, Frenchy. This stuff is gold. "A million poets working for a million years..." You're so lucky.

Oh, my standards are just too high, you know? I feel like nobody's good enough for me. Whoa. You think you got 'em all, but you forget about the eggs. My problem is I'm a real user of women. I move in right away and stay until the money's gone.

Lisa's bad dancing makes my feet sad. Oh! Let's take five.

It's psychological counseling for couples whose marriages are hanging by a thread... or those just in need of a tune-up. Hmm ? If you wish to participate, please sign up in the lobby after the service is over. Will the Simpsons be attending our little retreat ? Oh, well, it's very tempting.

Excuse me, Edna. I don't think we're talking about love here. We're talking about S-E-X in front of the C-H-i-L-D-R-E-N. Sex Cauldron? I thought they closed that place down!

Get outta the way ! How come he's not ducking ? Wait a minute. I can't get my-- Get out of the way, stupid ! Homer ? Not now, Marge ! Get out of the corner ! They sent a note from school. What did you do this time, you little hoodlum ? Oops, get outta the way ! I didn't do it. Nobody saw me do it. There's no way they can prove anything.

maybe I am wrong about Mrs. Simpson. No further questions. Kids, I got a crazy feeling your mom's not going to prison. Yea!

I'll bet I get blamed for this.

Beer delivery. Sign here.

Come on, Homer. Do it for your old pal, Moesy. But, Moe, yesterday, you called Homer a worthless sack of-- - Pipe down, rub-a-dub! - Ow.

(GROWLING) Wait! I have a better idea. You'll work for me now. I already work for you. In addition to working in your normal capacity at the plant, you will also serve as my personal hit man. Do I get two paychecks? No. (SHRIEKS) Here's your first assignment to prove your loyalty.

Turn it up! Turn it up! Hello. I am Montgomery Burns.

Damn it. I would've been perfect as Rachel's Irish cousin. So you're all doin' each other, are ya?

Hitler had it. Walt Disney had it. And Freddy Quimby has it.

Of course. All work and Moe play makes Moe a Moe Moe. Moe Moe Moe Moe Moe? Moe Moe Moe. Moe Moe Moe Moe Moe. Moe Moe Moe Moe. Moe. Moe, Moe... Moe... Moe, Moe... Moe....

No, my friends! Stop! Let me finish.

I am Akira, your waiter. May I take your order ? What would you recommend for a family that's not sure they should be here ? The sushi sampler has a little bit of everything. It is very nonthreatening. I'll have one of those. Make it two. - Akira, my good man, I'd like two sharks, an octopus and an eel. - Very good.

Uh, I have a horsie. Wuss!

We'll be back with a real-life Itchy and Scratchy--

That's not my mother. I'll be back in a jiffy. Can I come too? They hit it off right away, but there were rivals for the fair lady's hand. My favorite song.

they fight and fight and fight fight-fight-fight, fight-fight-fight the itchy & scratchy show!

It's so unfair. just because he's different. Well, time to hit the books. Burning the candle at both ends, eh, boy ? Go get 'em. All right, okay. Let's take care of some business. Chapter one. "A Dream of Freedom."

You're off the case, McGonigle. You're off your case, Chief. What does that mean exactly? It means he gets results, you stupid chief! Dad, sit down. Oh, I'm sorry.

Simpson scandal update. Homer sleeps nude in an oxygen tent... which he believes gives him sexual powers. Hey, that's a half-truth.

Man, you'd think the quality would dip after 5,500 shows. But-- Well, the F.C.C. isn't laughing. They don't believe kids are learning anything from Itchy and Scratchy.

What happened here? Lightning hit the transmitter? See, that's what I thought at first, but then-- Hey, shut up!

An unforgettable weekend at Club Moe. I'd prefer to vacation someplace hot. Whoo! Ha-ha! Ow! Whoo! I like your moxie, kid. You're hired. You shan't regret this. Me thinks I shan't. Are you the genius behind the Flaming Moe? Yes, I... I'm your man.

My uncle still has my nose. Hmm? Ohh, ohh, ohh!

Well, it's kind of funny. With all the craziness and confusion and meshuggaas of packing, I forgot to pack! Lisa, that's not at all like you. Exactly. Hmm. I forgot my swimsuit, too, but I improvised. Hello.

(BOTH GRUNTING) (GROANS) Okay! Okay, I give. Ow! (GRUNTS) Ow! Why did you do that? I was begging for mercy! I saw my advantage and I took it. That's what heroes do. Okay, Ned. Get ready for your welcome home surprise!

Oh, my German verb wheel. Ich esse. Ihr ist. Wir essen. When? When? Ich bin hungrig! Homer, this is yours. Yes! My precious CarToons!

Aw, crap! "It's in our mighty rivers, our majestic"-- Well, isn't that clever? It's a metaphor. That lying, rail-splitting, theater-going freak!

Excuse me. You, sir, the dancin' fella. I'm Antoine "Tex" O'Hara. I own the Isotopes. Would you be interested in becoming our official mascot ?

Of all the men you could've married, I don't know why you picked one who's always so rude to us. Good one, Dad. Okay, kids, prepare to be dazzled. Marge, turn on the juice ! What do you think, kids ? Nice try, Dad.

You must be Burt Simpson. Well, you look like you got a strong, young back. Would you like something to eat ? I got dried apricots, almond paste, sauerkraut candy-- Uh, no, thanks. Who's that ?

(ALL EXCLAIMING) Wooo! Now, Marge, you can't say I never take you anywhere. (GRUMBLING) (GROANING)

I quit ! Oh, uh-- Gee, don't quit. All right then.

Spitball! I'm using your unfinished novel. LISA: Oh!

I'm old! Gimme, gimme, gimme!

Nice doggie. "Ivanhoe is the story of a Russian farmer and his tool." Wolf! Wolf! Wolf!

Drugs aren't so expensive in other countries. In other countries, families also lie on the floor and eat bugs. What countries are those?

Stop it! Stop it, I say! I'll teach you how to use a phone, you boob! Ring! Ring! Ring! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh!

Probably the greatest-- Ah, it's not for you. It's more of a Shelbyville idea. Now wait just a minute. We're twice as smart as the people of Shelbyville. just tell us your idea, and we'll vote for it.

Whoa! Whoa! Bart, you're doing a bang-up Job. There were some corridors in this school you'd never go down. Now I feel safe anywhere. Every day is a new fight, sir. Bart, the school is a police state. Students are afraid to sneeze. I have you to thank. Come with me.

For me? But I don't know how to drive. Oh, pish-posh. There's a jaws Of Life in the trunk. Whoa-ho! Whoo-hoo! Whoa! Oh! Whoo! Whoa! Whoa!

You're watching Top Hat Entertainment. Adult programming all day, every day...

If you need additional solace, by the way, I've got a copy of something or other by Art Linkletter in my office.

Sometimes to save money, our animators will reuse the same backgrounds over and over and over again.

Hey, how did I get out here? Hurt everyone. Did Ga Ga just say "Hurt everyone"? Ga Ga-- Cute name. The Springfield phone book needs a new cover. It does? Send us your snapshots, and if we select yours, you win a fabulous mystery prize.

Now, Mr. and Mrs. Simpson,

I dare you. Well, they're usually funnier. Look, I'm not going to put my babies in a zoo. Don't say no till you see the habitat. - The habitat? - I mean the nursery. Oh, my goodness.

Champagne, madam? Ow! Son of a-- And the gentleman? Ow! Damn it!

Who are all these oddballs? Well, they keep us here because we know too much. Number 27 there knows how to turn water into gasoline. Number 12 knows the deadly secret behind Tic Tacs. And I invented the bottomless peanut bag. Wow!

Are we restauranteurs, or are we murderers? Does that answer your question? We'll kill him at the Taste of Springfield Festival. We'll give Homer all he can eat, till he can eat no more. Then he'll get his just dessert.

Give me the weight loss tape. We're out of "Subliminally Slim." Uh... send them the vocabulary builder. Here you go, fatso. So long, stomach.

Duh! We're pigs! Okay. And diagnose. You've got leprosy. Leprosy! Unclean! Unclean! Help us, Virtual Doc. Look at me. I'm on my knees. Good-bye.

Ahoy there, Dean. I understand you're taking suggestions from students, eh? Well, me and my fourth-form chums think it would be quite corking...

That's it? What happened to all the lobsters, mangoes and chewy, chewy cocoa beans? All we found were these oozing berries. And they look pretty poisonous. I "eated" the purple berries.

I'm outta here, man. - Okay. Everybody take out your junior Campers pocketknives. - Hmm? You guys get to play with knives? - Oh, cool. A "spork." - Don't hurt me! Ooh. Sorry, Bart. That's a Neddy no-no. You're not allowed to handle a pocketknife... till you read this booklet on knife safety and pass a test.

Oh, Lisa. This must be a rough time for you. Do you have any friends or family you can stay with? You've ruined all my stuff. Oh, come on. Tell us how we can make it up to you. Hey, pretend it's your birthday! It is my birthday! That's the spirit. Now what do you want to do? Well, the book festival starts today--

This-- This is an arm drawn by nobody. It is worth nothing.

He says what we're all thinking. I'm not thinking that. Hey, Swiss miss. There's no missin' you, babe. Lay off the cocoa.

Well, weve settled that argument. You cant read a magazine and drive. Look, Junior, I expect this to be fixed with quality GM parts. But your car was built in Croatia. ts made from old Soviet tanks. Just fix it, Mr. Sass-wrench.

Stop it! Where's the silver tongue?

Not if we hire more men. And my men will do all your messy jobs. They'll wash your car, scrub your shower, air out your stinkables. I can't believe what I'm hearing. Well, then you'd better turn up your hearing aid, Pops.

Let's just say we've got a few ideas up our sleeve. Like what? Uh-- I'd rather not get into it right now. Why not? All right. We don't have any ideas for the future. We got nothing. Happy? No.

are just as smart and talented and hardworking as everybody else. And they're gonna make their voices heard. All they need is a leader!

Uh-huh. This is most impressive, Bart. You write up your proposal while I talk to Principal Skinner. Proposal ? You know, outline your project, what you hope to achieve, what you'll require to do it. Gotcha, man. "'My proposal' by Bart Simpson.

- No! You're homely as a mule's butt! - There. See? I'd like to be alone, please.

Ha, ha! Now that everyone's so open about being fat, I can finally stop sucking in my gut.

just a reminder that we love each and every one of you. Aww! Hm! Excuse me, ma'am. Where are the lampshades? Ma'am? Oh! I've killed her!

D'oh! Yes. You're in deep "d'oh" now. Perfect as always, sir. Right on the green.

Oh! Dude! That little- Ooh! I'm gonna drive a golden spike... where your Union meets your Central Pacific. Stop.

Remember your Uncle Barney? Hey, Homer, let me hold him. All right, but just be careful. Whoa! Someone smells stinky. Oh, it's me. Bart you shouldn't be looking through other people's things.

Send in the clowns.

Oh, wise guy, eh? (GROANING) MARGE: I got the Roofi tickets! I got them fair and square and I kept my dignity, not like Janie's mom.

The point is I want you to stop making these calls. All right, Mom. I promise you will never be billed for another call. Bobby Sherman.

Bread! Got you down for 40 bucks. Good luck, Your Eminence. You can't take more of my money. I'm out of the bookie business. But Moe, you've been taking bets all... Barney, have a free beer. Wow! Don't worry, I'm not betting. What? Give me that. Aw.

Ehh. This is a joke. You’ll find me down with the real fans... standing ankle deep in beer and blood. Fine. Watch your stupid Eagles concert. ts a hockey game! Whatever.

You're fired! Dance! Dance!

Look at you-- standing there on your hind legs... like a couple of Rory Calhouns.

Um-- So, Trent, where's the party bus headed now? what? Well, I'm glad you changed your name back to Homer Simpson. Yes. I learned you gotta be yourself. Good night, honey. Good night. Oh, I almost forgot.

Homer, give him what he wants! - Oh, Barney, leave me alone. - Whoops!

Look, I just want the horse to have a good home or be food.

Target sighted! Launching air-to-nerd missile! Ow! Come on! Mom and Dad are waiting! Bob is not here. We have searched every square inch of this base, and all we have found is porno, porno, porno! We have only 20 minutes left.

in the maximum-security wing of my heart." Ohhh... Like the lone crocus that pokes through the prison yard, our love bloomed despite all obstacles. Selma, may I? Uh, uh, uh... on the cheek.

Any thoughts on Miami-Cincinnati? I certainly do, Bret. I hereby declare Miami to be Smooth jimmy's 'Lock of the Week.' Ooh, that's a big lock.

Morning, Judge. How is your lovely wife? She was run over by a clergyman. We're very sorry for the victim's injury. But as this tape demonstrates... Mr. Simpson is accident-prone. I cant see anything in this fog.

sorry. If there's anything we can do to make it up-- Call off the debt? Or say we could let you pass your driver's test. Call off the debt? Uh, well-- Debt's off! Let's go, Marge! Whoo-hoo!

Three, four, pick up the floor (SHUDDERS)

Yeah? Well, it serves you right for eavesdropping. Well, I guess we both learned a lesson. But if anybody asks, you hit him.

When I grow up, I wanna be a principal or a caterpillar. I love you, Principal Skinner.

Do you want to ignite my drink? You're kid's teacher. Single parent, are we? No. Let's pretend you are. Get away from me. Hey, Moe!

Roman numerals? They never even tried to teach us that in school! Milhouse, what's seven in Roman numerals? I'll tell you, Bart. But you really should end each transmission with the word "over." - Over. - Correction. The only thing that's over is that transmission.

His body grew big but his brain stayed small He was tree-choppin' friend-stompin' house-crushin' Paul Me hungee! Time to make Paul's breakfast.

Someone has mixed an Amazing Spider-Man in with... the Peter Parker: The Spectacular Spider-Man series. This will not stand. Pardon me, but I wish to tender a serious cash offer... for this stack of water-damaged Little Lulus. "A," that is not water. It is diet Mr. Pibb. And "B," I-- ooh.

Excuse me. I'm looking for... Wait a minute. I know that voice. If it isn't little Bart Simpson! I haven't seen you in years. That's right. That's my pop. Oh, little Bart.

Bart, I wish you wouldn't lie like that. And now as a special send-off and a way to say... Gung Hay Fat Choy to our visiting Chinese principals, Bart Simpson has promised us a fireworks display. Cool! Wow!

Well, off to the plant, then to the Duff Brewery. Uh-oh. Did I say that or just think it? I gotta think of a line fast. Homer, are you going to the Duff Brewery?

Tickets to the Krusty Anniversary Show! It's the Krusty the Clown 29th Anniversary Show! Hey! Thank you, thank you. Lisa, do you want a bite of my ice cream? No, thanks.

I write a list of ways he can make it up to me, then I shred the list and put it in his food. All right. We will write a list. At the Golden Banana? No! Oh. Over, under, round and round, so your feet won't touch the ground.

Tut, tut, gentle Marge. Here in the boudoir the gourmand metamorphosizes into... the voluptuary! What in God's name are you talking about? Oh.

- Bud. - Weis. Er.

Lemonade ? Please.

Well, I don't know. Your boyfriend looks like the jealous type.

If you're here, then you've fallen asleep too. I'm not asleep. I'm just resting my eye-- Uh-oh.

- Do you understand ? - Sort of. Homer ! Answer me again with self-confidence. What ? Sort of ! Now go get' em !

"Maybe it's the beer talking "but you've got a butt that won't quit. They got these big, chewy here..." "...Five dollars?! Get outta here."

Aww, isn't that cute! And me without a camera. Here. My sister runs a day care center. Hmm. I guess a few weeks wouldn't hurt her. Maggie is allergic to strained pears, and she likes a bottle of warm milk before nap time. A bottle?

Okay, that didn't work. This time move your head and don't follow through. Oh, man. What are you doing ? That putter is to you what a bat is to a baseball player, what a violin is to the-- the guy that-- the violin guy. Now, come on. Give your putter a name.

I think you're making him angry.

No. I've got gum in my hair. Oh, we've tried everything. Olive oil, lemon juice, tartar sauce, chocolate syrup, gravy, bacon fat, hummus and baba ghanoush. My scalp hurts from horsefly bites. Why don't you freeze it with an ice cube and hit it with a hammer? - Works for me when I get bubbly gum in the old push broom. - That sounds okay.

Huh. Yeah. Yeah.

Rex Banner. What a dope! Yeah. Look at him try to aim that stupid gun. Hang on, Son!

"Photo op helping kindergartners take off snow boots." "Move the brush fire hazard needle"? Shouldn't I stay here and work on school policy? Lisa, you were elected to be seen and enjoyed. Don't hide your light in a smoky back room making dusty old decisions.

Wait a minute. Those are yours, sir? Yes. I am in flavor country. Both of them? It's a big country.

Oh, a smoker, eh? Well, I have ways of dealing with you. Squirt, squirt, squirt. Your lungs will thank me. Kids, you better take your last look at Uncle Artie. Oh, look! There's a whole bunch of you! Squirt, squirt, squirt! That's it. Circle around me.

Uh, Mom found out her engagement ring is made of rock candy. Good work, honey. Keep it coming. Well, I'm flunking math, and the other day I was a little attracted to Milhouse.

They took the foam off the market because they found out it was poisonous. But if you ask me, if you're dumb enough to eat it, you deserve to die.

Ooh. Lady, I gotta tell ya, I have been grossly misinformed about witches.

Well, we might as well make it official. What does "sequestered" mean? If the jury is deadlocked, they are put in a hotel together... so they can't communicate with the outside world. What does "deadlocked" mean? It's when the jury can't agree on a verdict. Uh-huh. And "if"? A conjunction meaning... "in the event that" or "on condition that."

What is the freakin' holdup? Die, Krusty! Die-- Oh.

Why, he's worth 10 times what he earns he's Mr. Burns I'm Mr. Burns he's monty burns I'm Mr. Burns! To friends he's known As monty but to you it's Mr. Burns bur-bur-bur-bur-bur burns burns! Do you mind if I say a few words?

by the way you and your opponent are, well, constantly holding hands. We are merely exchanging long protein strings. If you can think of a simpler way, I'd like to hear it.

Now waSte your family, I'll give you A beer. Homer? Homie? What he's typed will be a window into his madness. "Feelin' fine."

What do you think? I slapped a clown suit on some wino? I mean, I-- Yeah, Bart. I am so Krunchy the Clown! All right. That's it. I've been scorched by Krusty before. I got a rapid heartbeat from those Krusty Brand vitamins. My Krusty calculator didn't have a seven or an eight!

So this is all real? Oh, you dear, dear man. You're one of us beautiful people now. And your new life begins today. A new life. A second chance... for revenge. That brown patch needs a little H2o.

Pull the chain ! Huh ? Correct the dog. I don't want to strangle my dog. Pull the bloody chain, boy !

Thank you, but this store is open 24 hours. It puts great demands on my time. Oh, too bad. It's gonna be a great fight. Oh, the fight ! Why didn't you say something ? I'll get my brother Sanjay to cover for me. He deplores violence of all kinds.

Hey, I'm a busy man. You want a job or not? Okay! God, he eats like a pig. I don't know. Pigs tend to chew. I'd say he eats more like a duck.

What do you do? A problem with the reactor?! We're all going to die! Run!

Deeper, wider, faster. I wouldn't bury my turtle in that mud puddle. What's the use? Sheesh! What a slave driver.

Shut up, judge! Peek-a-boo! I see you! Peek-a-boo! I see you! I never heard Maggie laugh like that before. Well, when was the last time Dad gave her that kind of attention? When she swallowed that quarter, he spent all day with her.

Still, it would've been nice to bring home at least one paycheck. Oh, you will, honey. You will. $300 for doing nothing?

Jonathan Livingston Seagull! We're on a collision course! Hard to starboard! Uh, port? Aye. Port. They see us. They're starting to turn. We did it!

- I hope you're happy, Nelson. - Very. But I can't help wondering where I go from here.

They each claim ownership of this pie. Hmm. The pie shall be cut in two. And each man shall receive... death. I'll eat the pie.

I'm making record time on this fog walk. Better pick up the pace. Guess i forgot to put the fog lights in i better pull over and play it safe.

Mm, it's so good to be home again. Look what happened without my pills!

perhaps even offensive.

What he needs is a visit from kindly old Dr. Foot.

So, who do you like in the afternoon games? The 49ers because they're pure of heart Seattle because they got something to prove and the Raiders because they cheat. In an extremely suspicious play the Raiders win! Three for three!

I thought you said you liked dogs. It's enough to drive you crazy if you let it Hey! Who wants to get rich today?

But I sang you the potato stuffings! Come on! I sang you the potato stuffings! Look at the vein on that guy's forehead. He's gonna blow! Unkie Moe? What... is it, sweetheart? My sodie is too cold. My teef hurt. Oh, your "teef" hurt, huh? Your "teef" hurt?

Good man? Intelligent? Actually, he was hired under "Project Bootstrap." Thank you, President Ford.

with Springfield's young, hip power couples. Like me and Debbie Pinson.

Hope I don't give you... heartburn! Huh?

Ahh. Hi, everybody. Who wants to see their sexy new daddy? Whoa!

Then I zap the capsule, thisly. And now who would like a lifetime of perfect health? I'll take it. No. That's not... Well, all right.

The idea was to blind your opponent with luxury.

But what if... I were to purchase fast food and disguise it as my own cooking? Delightfully devilish, Seymour.

He's spinning the ball on his finger! just take it! Take the ball! That game was fixed. They were using a freaking ladder, for God's sakes. I am afraid the time has come for you to pay us.

Hey, Casey jones, where's this train headed? - Springfield. - Yeah, yeah. What state? I can honestly say that was the most fun I've ever had.

Homie, I tried to tell you how I feel... but I cant find the right words. Maybe he can. Weird Al Yankovic? Homer, Marge wrote me about what happened. As soon as her check cleared, l was on the first reasonably priced flight here. Did you ever get the parody songs I sent you? Yes.

No, no, no! This is just a picture. But Homer Simpson will find the real thing... both delicious and deadly. Ah, yes! Death by chocolate. Oh. And poison. I'll stick in some poison.

Wait a minute. Just a sec.

Read the "bosom" part again, Dad. Now, just a minute ! Bosom.

We're gonna live like kings. Damn, hell, as kings.

They weren't thinking about the money.

I'm gonna make it! No, Dad. Everyone's sick of that memory.

Bart, Lisa, I have something to tell you, and I'm not proud of it. Dad, whatever you say, you know you'll always have my love and respect. I never graduated from high school.

It's the part I was born to play, baby!

Yeah, absolutely. (HOMER SNORING) Homer! I woke up to find an owl eating a mouse on the pillow next to me. I think that means six more weeks of autumn. It means you have to fix the roof. Don't worry, honey. I found us a roofer last night.

The fight ? Don't mind if I do. Oh, Simpson, good news. I brought some munchies. Smithers, the Chee-tos. Aah ! Our event is set to commence. In but a few scant minutes, the anticipated-- Are you Homer Simpson ?

The monster! Your monster appears to be nothing but a run-of-the-mill wild boar. Hey. Look at his tusk. So the boar ate our food.

Can I come? - No. - Wankers.

So here's where you're hiding. Yeah. This is my only refuge from the taunts and accusations of the townspeople. Thief.

But, Daddy, you're on vacation. Crime doesn't take a vacation. Hey, hey, hey, careful! You'll pop it! Wow. I've been A Cat, A tree and cokie roberts. It's happening again. I wonder where I'm going this time. What's that?

He lent me this new weapon called a neural disrupter. Hey-- He's not dead, is he, Bart? Nah, but I wouldn't give him any homework for a while. Very good, Bart. Thank you. Don't thank me. Thank an unprecedented eight-year military buildup.

Whoo! Sepulveda here... doing the veejay thing for the most out-of-control spring break ever! And since it's my birthday, we'll party extra hard!

and let me try with pleasured hands Huh? To take you in the sun to promised lands to show you everyone it's the time of the season

So, kids, what do you wanna play? Good Samaritan! I get to clothe the leper! Lucky! Suppertime, boys. Oh, boy! Liver! Iron helps us play!

Ah, sounds like you're having a rough Christmas, Homer. You know what I blame this on the breakdown of? - Society. - Yeah. You're right, Moe. You're always Moe. Homer, look. Your house is on TV.

Come on, Dad. No! No! lwon’t gol You cant make mel - Dad, you knew this day was coming. - I knew nothing! Stop kicking me, Dad. Never!

You flyboys. You crack me up.

Lisa, we're home! Sorry about the museum! You'd better go up and apologize. But my apologies always sound so forced. DO it!

They've broken every commandment except one. Hey, Lenny, covet some more chili fries? You bet! That's it- the whole shebang.

It's good to have another combat veteran around here. I myself received a number of medals... for securing that Montgomery Ward in Kuwait City. Mm, yes, Colonel. Now, I understand it'll be my duty... to mold the new recruits into a well-disciplined, highly trained infantry unit.

We're broke. The country is broke? How can that be? Well, remember when the last administration decided to invest in our nation's children? Big mistake. The Balanced Breakfast Program just created a generation of ultra-strong super criminals. And Midnight Basketball taught them to function without sleep.

is coming to Springfield! It's all here-- fast kickin', low scorin'. And ties? You bet!

Aaah ! Aaah ! Aaah ! Aaah !

Your mom's going to a psychiatrist. She's gonna tell Marge to leave me. It'll break up the family, and you'll have to live with your grandmother and pick beans. Dad, I like picking beans with Grandma. Well, keep it up then. Okay, I will. Good. You do that. Fine. You'll be picking many a bean. Hope I do.

And the winner is... Itchy and Scratchy, Abraham Simpson-- rise. All right, Grampa!

Do you feel like we do, Springfield? Yeah! Do y-- Wait. Do ya-- Do ya feel-- Do-- Do ya feel-- Oh, come on! Do you feel-- Homer Simpson wrecks my pig,

Yeah. "Looks like." Let's just say I know how a bill becomes law. Oh, that's easy. First it's introduced, then it goes to committee, then-- Wrong! That's wrong! Now I'll show you how things really work around here. Sorry, Krusty. But there's no way...

The frame store? You monster! Not the sky! That's where clouds are born!

Moe's Tavern. Hello. Is Al there ? Al ? Yeah, Al. Last name, Coholic. Lemme check. Phone call for Al, Al Coholic !

Ahhh! Okay, I'm gonna go over there and see if they're cool. Okay, let's see. Oh, you can buff that out. We can buff that out. That's factory error. Oh, that thing is supposed to be on fire.

Wherever there is mystery and the unexplained, cosmic forces shall draw me near. Uh-huh. Hey, Spock! What do you want on your hot dog? Surprise me. Take a look at this, Lisa. You don't see any "Homer Is A Dope" T-shirts, do you? - We sold those out in five minutes. - D'oh!

Oh, can't you see this man isn't a hero? He's annoying. He's very, very annoying! Well, Ned Flanders is just jealous. Ah, the guy's hepped up on goofballs. Let's sacrifice him to our God! Come on. We did it all the time in the '30s.

Hens love roosters geese love ganders everyone else loves Ned Flanders Not me! Everyone who counts loves Ned Flanders

Marge, I wanna be a monorail conductor. Homer, no. It's my lifelong dream.

There's trouble in a far-off nation Time to get in love formation Your love's more deadly than Saddam And that's why I gotta drop da bomb

Look alive, boys. Couple of stewed prunes headin' your way. Gulp! "W," "X," "Y" and "Z"

Oh, dear. Smithers, scoop me up. How could you both miss the bus to school? We touched hands, and then we had to wash the cooties off. What's all that rustling? My show-and-tell project--

Smithers, who was that corpse? Homer Simpson, sir. One of the finest, bravest men ever to grace Sector 7g. I'll cross him off the list. That dummy worked like a charm, Dad. Best 600 bucks I ever spent.

Beautiful. And star wipe, and we're out. Hmm. Well, with triple word score, that's 90. I guess my luck is starting to even out. I'm just a "Q" without a "U". Mmm.

Whoa! That's good Squishy. What's it like, Bart? Bart? Bart? Give me that!

Oh, that just kept goin', huh? And now here's... Lisa Simpson! They'll love you just as much as I do. Thanks, Dad. Mmm.

Let's hear from the Stonecutter World Council... before we act too rashly. Kill him. Kill him. kill the fool.

Oh, there's nothing more exciting than science. You get all the fun of sitting still, being quiet, writing down numbers, paying attention.

All right. Fine. Fine. Uh, "Maya Buttreeks." Hey, what are you laughin' at? What?

She's waking up. Don't worry. I brought some chloroform. Pleasant dreams. There. And there. You idiot! Those are Colorforms!

Ever since he Was a young man, Ken Burns has io ved two things- baseball andjazz.

You like it, huh? Up yours! Can I go to the bathroom before we leave? We gotta get home. I don't want to miss Inside the Actor's Studio. Tonight it's F. Murray Abraham. But I really need to-- F. Murray Abraham!

Ahhh. Oh, you are so cute. Yes, you are. You are. I just love you. See? It was a good idea to come here after all. Attention, families. This is Mother Goose. The following cars have been broken into--

Cheese ! Cheese ! Oh, wait a minute. Stupid grapes.

Yeah. Nothing makes parents happier than when an eccentric single man takes an interest in their child.

Right, Giuseppe? Giuseppe is such a happy monkey.

All right, customers! And they said you couldn't open a bar in Kansas. Hey... Hey! Well, nothing can crush the frontier spirit. That'll do it. (GROANS) LEWIS: At last the Pacific Ocean.

Thanks, Bart. Oh, hard luck.

Oh, come on! Ah-- Yes! Now that Lenny's in, Carl will fall like a domino. I'm so happy you're going to the big game. My dream has always been to see the Bolshoi Ballet. Yeah, yeah. Do we have any pencils that work? Wow. You've signed up quite a few people, Dad--

Tiny Tim, The Chipmunks' Greatest Hits, A Castrato Christmas. Can't get enough of youR love, baBe Mr. White! Can we borrow you for a minute? Anything... for a lady.

Picking up a new kid today. Wow. A new kid. I wonder what they're like. Help me! Help me!

Sounds good. You want to eat my fat?

Gentlemen, I've decided there will be no investigation. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'll go away.

Time to give Mother Nature a little goose. Well, Marge, have you ever seen a field glow like that? It's eerily beautiful. But are you sure this is safe? Of course not! But you know something? Sometimes you have to break the rules to free your heart. You got that from a movie poster.

You know, just because you say something is crazy, doesn't make it so. And just because you think museums are boring and demolition derbies are fun, doesn't make that true either! I'm sorry, Lisa. Oh, it's not your fault. I know we love each other, Dad, but we're two very different people.

I'd like that. I'd like that very much. Now, it would involve betrayal and unspeakable evil. Hey, hey. You made your sale. And now, a little trick I like to call-- uh, "The Invisibility Cloak."

I know. Maybe he's just acting stupid to infiltrate a gang of international idiots. Yeah, th-that's gotta be it. You destroyed that drug shipment? Yes, indeedy! That was my insulin! Uh-oh, SpaghettiOs! Simpson!

Uh, not really, no. Then what have you done with my party guests?

Greatalicious. Scrumpdiddlerific. Fine and dandy like sour candy! Bar's a whiz with cold drinks, aren't you, Bar? Don't understand lemonade myself. Not my forte. What brings you to Springfield? George and I just wanted to be private citizens again, go where nobody cared about politics.

What the-- It burns! I can't see!

Please, Homer. Why do I always have to be the bad guy? All right, all right. Young man, since you broke Grampa's teeth, he gets to break yours. Oh, this is gonna be sweet. No, no, no!

But then I spent all my money on my $1,500-a-day habit.

Can't help you. I take hormones to lower my voice. Now all I wanna do is fight. What are you lookin' at? You think you got it bad? I gotta wear a shock collar. Ooh! That's rough. What was that for?

It is with great pride that I dedicate this new school, sports arena or attraction.

They must be starting a new civilization on Mars with our best and brightest. That's us! Name, please. Certainly. I am... the, uh, piano genius from the movie Shine. Uh-huh. And your name is? Uh, Shiny McShine.

I went yesterday. Lenny really wanted to go. I'm tired of being cooped up in this house all the time. Open a window. All right. I hear ya, honey. Change into something nice. We're steppin' out.

Fine. You can confirm the accuracy of the hose. - (YELLING) - (LAUGHING) You wet your pants!

You see, your crazy friend never heard of the food chain. just ask this scientician. Uh-- He'll tell you that in nature one creature invariably eats another to survive.

Here-- Hmm. Somebody's traveling light. Nah. Maybe you're getting stronger. Well, I have been eating more.

Hey, what's up? Some poor kid fell down a well. Yes! My name is Timmy O'Toole. I just turned ten years old. Timmy, where are your parents? I have no family.

And the second number is three. D'oh! Yeah, I knew we wouldn't win. Well, why didn't you tell the rest of us? Why did you keep it a secret!? If you were 17, we'd be rich. But no, you had to be ten.

Hey. Time for Brazil's favorite kids' show, Teleboobies. Clockwise. Counterclockwise.

Now that's market research you can take to the bank-- the money bank. I just wish those second-graders would stop jerking us around. Fun toys are fun. Well said, Ralph. But we're trying to come up with a name for a toy. Mrs. Fun? Not bad. Fun? Ralph, there are no right or wrong answers,

has threatened to destroy the city with her puke ray and-- Whaa! The mayor's barf is worse than his bite. Ah, le mot juste.

That was awesome. And now, in the ancient spelling bee tradition... we shall release the bees! And now to exterminate the bees... the magnificent Blue Angels!

- Oh, well, all right. - Yeah. Oh, here comes the airplane. All gone. w' Toys and kicks and pets and brotherhood) ts our song!

All the years I've lobbied to be treated like an adult have blown up in my face.

Now, for my favorite part of the show. Whuzzat say? "Talk to the audience"? Oh, God. This is always death. - All right. - Oh, no. Please don't show me with Ralph.

Mayday! Mayday! Hmm. Bart! Uh, Mrs. K? Hey, it's Saturday! Your powers are useless against me.

Mrs. Krabappel, why don't you begin? Boo! Oh, boo yourself. Our demands are simple. A small cost-of-living increase and some better equipment and supplies for your children. Well, that's easy. Give it to 'em.

Is it supposed to take this long? What's a good time for a mass evacuation of the entire plant? Forty-five seconds. What's our time so far? I don't know, sir. This stopwatch only goes up to 15 minutes.

I know who stopped up the toilet. Now don't worry, kids. You'll be placed with a caring foster family. Young'uns, meet your new brother and sister. They's worth five dollars a day county money. I'm Bart. And this is Lisa.

Wait a minute. How can you arrest Homer? This guy's the one what done the thing that why you're here for. I'm talking malfeasance here. All right. I admit it. I did run Ziff Corp. into the ground. And this man took me into his home when no one else would. And now as the result of his brilliant card playing, he's the one you want!

98 percent of the voters rate you as despicable or worse. That's why we've assembled the finest campaign team money can buy. This is your speech writer, your joke writer, your spin doctor, your makeup man and your personal trainer. Their job-- to turn this Mr. Burns... into this.

That's Snake's voice. Of course. The transplant. Somehow Snake's hair must be controlling-- Oh, please, Lisa. Everyone's already figured that out.

if I was to dig a hole of my own? - Go for it. - Maybe I will. What's stopping you? Very little. I'm having chest pains! Where's the defibrillator? Clear! This thing pays for itself.

I'll let you punch me! You can wear swimsuits instead of underwear! We'll have Christmas tomorrow! BOTH: Yeah! Welcome to the jungle We've got fun and games We got everything you want, honey We know the names We are the people that can find whatever you may need

on the back of some stupid truck. Whoa. I gotta replace that window. "Pool-mobile"?

You both toilet trained? Yes! Okay, then. 4:00? Couple hours I have to get up and go to work. Got to go to work. Go to work-- Ooh, look at them, Smithers-- goldbrickers, layabouts, slugabeds.

His life was an unbridled success... until he found out he was a Simpson.

Tell me one thing mankind's ever done that's any better. The Renaissance. This is better.

Hi! Did you miss me? Never leave again! Never leave again! Never leave again.

There's a crazy man with a scalpel in E.R.! He's demanding to see a quack.

Dad, I really want you to come on this trip with me. Bart, I'd be delighted to go on your trip with you. D'oh!

Arr. I understand. It's hard to let go.

Homer, I'm-- I'm speechless.

Yes? Yeah. Uh, hi. My-My name is Larry. I'm here to see Mr. Burns. Well, I hate to break it to you, Larry, but if Mr. Burns ever wants to see a stranger, he will observe him through a powerful telescope. Now, if you-- Smithers, what's going on? How dare you interrupt my lime rickey?

Those kids are, like, so sweet.

Okay. That night, we camped out under the stars. Ah, look at all them stars. Bunch of lazy lights. Don't do nothin' for nobody. Hey, you know what I'm looking forward to? The future. Have you heard about this Internet thing? Internet?

Well, he fell down a well and can't get out. How does that make him a hero? Well, it's more than you did. Channel 6's own Krusty the Clown has gathered members of the entertainment community-- who normally steer clear of fashionable causes-- for a video called "We're Sending Our Love down the Well."

(GIRLS GIGGLING) (LAUGHS) Spank me again with little boy's picture. (BOTH LAUGHING) What are you kids laughing at?

Oh, I'll never get my aim back. You gotta keep working on it. Oh! Aah! Aah! Water! Mmm, delicious.

Well, that last story was just a warm-up for this macabre tale, which I call:

Our last bachelor likes women who take their clothes off for money.

Mmm, that's good Yaqui! Okay. That night, we camped out under the stars. Ah, look at all them stars. Bunch of lazy lights. Don't do nothin' for nobody. Hey, you know what I'm looking forward to? The future.

Ow! Ooh! Ow! Ooh! A round of applause please for Anastasia! She loves show business. So much nicer than the savagery of the jungle, ja?

Always wants more rehear-- Aaah! I hope you enjoy these German sausages. I've been grinding all day, so I'm not sure what organ meat is in what intestinal casing. Bratwurst. Sauerbraten. Donder-Blitzen?

Yeah. Hey, foamy. I want the news, not the weather.

Now, there's a man who could get things done. Towel, please, Simpson. Allow me, si-- I said Simpson. But-- Uh, sure thing, Mr. Burns. Well done, Simpson. Now, walk behind me down the hallway. Can do, sir.

Gee, the fellas are gonna be crestfallen. Yes, if by "crestfallen" you mean "kill us". Listen, let me talk to them. Maybe I can smooth this over. My friends--

I know this looks bad, but if you reverse it, Daddy's a hero. See? Watch. I saved you!

You did it, Nibbles! Now, chew through my ball sack. Huh?

Nine months later Fluffy gave birth to 14 beautiful bunnies. Eight survive. And now that you know how it's done... don't do it.

- Oh. You're referring to me. - Yes, I'm framing you. And I'm doing a really excellent job too. Wait a minute. This is all because I got to be Krusty's sidekick instead of you, isn't it? Off the record, yes. But officially, I did it for the money! Speaking of which, hand it over.

Because of last week's problems, we'll be taking certain precautions with this week's collection. We really shouldn't have let them do this. It can't be helping his self-esteem. Now for our offertory reading,

- Hey! - Whoo! Hey, hey! Whoo! Yeah, baby! You gol ldidn1 think it was possible... but watching him makes me more lesbian.

(SCREAMS) (COOING) Hold on, Maggie! Daddy's coming! (GRUNTING) Come on. (GRUNTING) I got her! Oh... No, wait. This is yours. (GULPS) Your daughter has 30 minutes before the acid dissolves the capsule.

While we're at it, why don't I just change my name back to Hitler? Don't you have any sense of corporate responsibility? Rrrr? Hey. Look, lady, if you have a problem, bring it up with your sewing circle, okay? But we're on hiatus. Everyone's everywhere.

Conditions are a little windy. - On second thought, I think maybe I'll-- - You! But I-- Hey. You're not just impersonating a pilot so you can drink here, are ya? Yeah. That's exactly why I'm here. You flyboys. You crack me up. But I keep telling ya, I'm not a pilot!

None of us find you sexually attractive. None of you? Really? I could've sworn that Ramrod-- Hmm. Did you see that picture of me in-- And you still don't-- Sorry. Hmm. Well, good, I guess.

Behold the horrors of the slanty shanty. See the twisted creatures that dwell within. Meet Cue Ball, the man with no hair! Huh? He's hideous!

Release the hounds. Santa's Little Helper! It's you!

"l have a crush on Kenny." That's mel You would like me. Loser! f Male Announcer] Girls, don 't tet this happen to you. Get the Turbo Diary from Glrttech. No one can read your secrets, except you.

I'm sure we'll appreciate each other all the more when we meet up at dinner. Are you kids gonna be all right? Kids?

All you do is change "Jesus" to "baby." Oh, how horrible. Uh! They'll all go to hell. Say, how's your life going? Ooh, she wants to know how your life is going. Well, my wife's passing was rough. But I think I'm finally ready to move on. That's great. Maybe we could have coffee sometime.

Hey, it's the beer copter!

Marge, that's what I bought it for. Hey! Watch it with that thing! - My skull is eggshell-thin. - Whoa.

for the next five minutes I'm going to party like it's on sale for 19.99. Quick, quick. No time to cook them. They will plump in my stomach.

And then I sped away without anyone seeing my license plate. Sounds like you had a good day today, Dad. Yeah. Except I forgot to go to work. What did you do today, Bart? What didn't I do? "Boy discovers comet."

Oh, I forgot to carry the one. I have nothing to say to you. But, Marge, I was a political prisoner. How are you a political prisoner? I kicked a giant mouse in the butt. Do I have to draw you a diagram?

Attention, Homer Simpson. Attention, Homer Simpson. Wake up, Homer. What? Huh? What? You're fired. For what? For sleeping on the job. How did you know I was sleeping? We've been watching you on the surveillance camera. Camera? D'oh! Smithers,

How did Dad get out of this snooze cruise? He's cleaning out the garage. I can picture it now. I cleaned out the garage and lost 50 pounds. (LAUGHS) (SIGHS) Ah! Hmm.

Yes, sir ? Thank you.

Poison, poison, tasty fish. Concentrate, concentrate. I want fugu ! Aaah !

Oh, dear God, no! I think you'll find that escape is impossible. Now, each one of you take a floor and get started.

Yeah. Could I be any more of a house? Meh. Who else we got? Hey, Cha-Cha, I got more features... than a NASA relief map of Turkmenistan. Isn't that the voice that caused all those suicides? Murder-suicides.

Ants, huh? We had quite a severe ant problem at the Vineyard this year. I had Art Garfunkle come by with his compressor, and we created a total vacuum outside the house, and we blew the ants out the front door. But I'm sure you high-tech NASA people could care less about our resort-town ways. Quiet, you-- Wait a minute.

Whoa! A sword cane! Everything here is sword. Sword baseball bat. Sword rifle. Sword pineapple. Sword sword-sharpener. Sword pie. ts- Hey. What happened to the sword pie? What do I do now? Hey, look! A cyborg hand.

No. That's not how you do it! Quitters! Hey, Homer. Oh, it feels so good to talk to another human being! Stupid Flanders. Hey, Homer, I need to ask you a favor.

A mother knows. Well, he's not gonna get very far without that. Bart, is that you? No!

Oh, my goodness! My husband will be so excited! You... have a husband? Yes. I can picture him now-- rugged good looks, sweater knotted about his shoulders, curly locks shining in the sun like spun gold!

Do you know what I'd settle for if it was up to me ? Bart's medical bills and an apology. And you won't even get that. Sorry, offer's expired. I guess we'll just have to let the jury decide. Twelve good men, and true. Good day. Smithers, release the hounds.

J Well, I’ve got a date with a girl with no nameJ J It sure feels good to be back in the gameJ J At dessert maybe I can ask her her nameJ J Cause I cant pray for her without the right nameJ J Buh-doo-da-doo-doo- JJ

Ah! Now, remember, the instant you finish it, I own your soul for-- Hey, wait, if I don't finish this last bite, you don't get my soul, do you?

"but I believe that the cartoons you show to our children... "are influencing their behavior in a negative way. "Please try to tone down the psychotic violence... "in your otherwise fine programming. Yours truly, Marge Simpson."

What are the odds of getting sick on a Saturday? 1,000-to-1. Well, to cheer you up, I rented a couple of videos. "Boxing's Greatest Weigh-Ins" and "Yentl." Yentl? What's that? It deals with a bookish young woman's efforts... to enter rabbinical school. Sounds great! Oh, my God! You're delirious.

You okay, Dad? I think so. The bone stopped the bullet. Dad, this might be one of those things you should go to the hospital for. After pie.

Boys, it wasn't easy choosing only one of you... for the free week at Pele's Soccer and Acting Camp. Let's all congratulate... Nelson! Thanks, Dad! Told ya.

hey, Satan, payin' my dues playin' in A Rockin' band hey, mama, look at me Shh!

Ah, there he is now. Hey, Pete! Pete! They fixed the Coke machine! Now where were we? My father and I were never really close. "Jack and Jill went up the hill" and-- "Jill came tumbling after. The end." Good night.

Quiet, you kids ! If I hear one more word, Bart doesn't watch cartoons and Lisa doesn't go to college. Dad ! Not one word !

Write a cartoon ourselves? Bart, are you thinking what I'm thinking? Probably not. Lie in the snow and count to 60. Hyah! Merry Christmas, suckers!

Oh, my God! Krusty's shoes! Okay, folks, show's over. Nothing to see here. Show's-- Oh, my God! A horrible plane crash! Hey, everybody, get a load of this flaming wreckage. Come on, crowd around. Crowd around. Don't be shy. Crowd around.

Can we have sex? Please? - Oh, Abe! - Well, I tried. What's for supper?

to learn about teamwork, which means we'll have to cancel our plans to hang around here. Teamwork is overrated. Huh? Think about it. I mean, what team was Babe Ruth on? Who knows? Yankees. Sharing is a bunch of bull too. And helping others. And what's all this crap I've been hearing about tolerance?

Dad, are you hurt? I think my leg is broken. Slip and fall? Cant go back to work? I'm Larry H. Lawyer, Jr., and I will fight for you.

Got ya! Don't worry. I won't smush you.

I thought you were managing the champ. Yes, managing Drederick has been my highest priority, even though he is temporarily incarcerated for pushing his mother down the stairs. But with his impending release, I've been strategizing for his glorious return to the shores of "Fistiana." Uh, what?

Let's see. Where is that map? Evergreen Terrace.

E finalmente, una "catÁstrofÍa" con una pelota de baseball. Tiempo para "relaxar" en paz y quieto. ¡Ay! iNaranjas en la cabeza! Whoa!

Why don't you kids play one of your old board games? When was the last time you played Citizenship? Energy Shortage? Hippo in the House? Ooh, the Game of Lent! Can't we just go to bed? It's only 5:30. Fine. We'll play Hippo in the House.

Sometimes I think you want to fail! Shut up. just shut up! We used to eat this when my dad was stationed in "Vandihar." Take your kafta b'Sounieh and dip it in the labneh.

- I surrender. - Not so fast. That's what I call breakneck speed.

But we will also learn about nutrition, self-esteem, etiquette... and all the lively arts. What the hell are you doing, Lis ?

; Mock; Yeah. - J Bird J - Whatever. Homie, whets wrong? Marge, did I ruin your life? Oh, is this about that billboard my sisters put up? No. The voters will decide that in November.

- Dad, we've been robbed! - Wake up, Dad! Wake up!

This looks like a terrible place to relax. We're gonna get you to a-- Huh? Party! Whoo-hoo!

There may be a slight ringing in your ears. Fortunately, you'll be nowhere near them. I guess this is it. Thanks, anyway.

Homer, you're the most selfish man I know. Oh, come on. Mister Burns is way more selfish. That evil old bone bag smelling of death, nose like a vulture, followed everywhere by that kiss-ass Smithers. (LAUGHS) Yes. That describes Kathy in Personnel to a tee. (SCREAMS) All right, everyone.

Yeah, they took her off the market after some kid put both his eyes out. Oh, my!

I am glad he's gone. As am I. B'oh! It's probably my imagination,

Oh, ho, ho! Congratulations.

Oh, no, you don't! Come on. Get in there. Drop! Woo-hoo! Ow!

Homer, your bravery and quick thinking... have turned a potential Chernobyl... into a mere Three Mile Island. Bravo.

Ho-ho ! Got him ! Hello, Cook ? Sorry to bother you so late, but I got a hankering for some-- That's right. Don't forget the applesauce.

Dad, I am trying to do my homework. Hmm. Hey, you're mad at me. That wasn't your mayonnaise, was it? Dad, why did you have to take away my room? Maybe you'd feel better if we watched some TV together. I just want to study! That's no fun. - It is to me. - No, it's not.

Your wife? What, you think I'm gonna buy a $20,000 truck just because you make that noise? I'll take it!

You know, if you guys hadn't tied me up, I could be saving the comic as we speak.

All right, you kids ! Keep it down ! Am I making myself-- Heh-heh-heh ! Got him ! You, up in the tree. The tall gray-haired kid. Get your butt down here right now ! Doh !

mentally snip out the part where I already had a husband, that's my idea of romance. Marge, I want you to stop seeing this jacques. You can let him down gently, but over the next couple of months, I want you to break it off. Uh, okay, Homer. Whoo! That was a close one, kids.

Don't Go There will be right back. Oh, no it won't. Wait! There's a commercial! Oh, yeah. Whoa. Forty years ago, a film appeared that was so shocking, so terrifying,

It's a secret lab where they take the brains out of zombies... and put 'em in the heads of other zombies to create a race of super-zombies. That's the house? Stand aside, wussies. Go away. No children. Enough talk.

Give Daddy the remote, Maggie. Give Daddy the... D'oh! (LAUGHS) Oh, wise guy, eh?

Oh, Homie. You got everyone in Springfield here for me. Honey, I couldn't keep 'em away if I tried. Except for Flanders. He was mysteriously called out of town. I got your letter, Jesus,

Will I pass my English test? "Outlook not so good." Wow, it does work! Let me try. Will... I get beat up today? "All signs point to yes." That ball knows everything.

This thing pays for itself. Bart, this is Dr. Kaufman. He's a special kind of talking doctor. Call me Bob. Well, that's quite a hole you're digging. Thanks, Bob. You know, a hole is a great place...

Yeah. Check out the rats. Ooh, they look like Skittles. Here we are-- 123 Papaya Street.

Hey, a new weather station! I'll bash it good. Oh, it's just no fun without Marge.

Great! Will you play Malibu Stacy with me? Okay. You be the girl and I'll be the car. (HUMS) I'm going to the organic market.

but helped our founding fathers save on bridge tolls. Excuse me. I didn't mean to startle you, but I do love to talk jebediah, even when I'm drinking my chicory. I'm the curator, Hollis Hurlbut. Hi. I'm Lisa Simpson. I'm here to research a report on jebediah. Oh, you're in for a treat.

Everybody, go nuts. I'm buyin'! Hey, handsome, send the bill to my dad. Okay, but the last guy who charged a drink to Burns turned up in a landfill. Yeah, but it was worth it.

Mr. Burns, I've had enough of your... posing. I can finish the portrait myself. Thank goodness. Another day in this suburban nightmare and I would've needed half a Valium. Thank you for your gracious hospitality. See you at the unveiling.

Thank God. Couldn't take another minute in this hellhole.

(SOBBING) Mozart, you can't die.

I'm Chiquita Banana and I'm here to say I will eat this Toblerone and I will not pay

with a record of zero wins and 48 defeats-- Oh, correction. Humiliating defeats, all of them by knockout-- Must you do this every time ? Homer "The Human Punching Bag" Simpson ! Doh ! Stupid joystick !

You should've seen the murderous glint in his eyes, Smithers. And his breath reeked of beer and pretzled bread. I'm so sorry, Mr. Burns. This was all my fault. No. Don't concern yourself. If things had turned ugly, I always had my mace. Don't let me off the hook that easily, sir.

I did it! I caught the school bus! Now hurry up and get on. But, Mom, the school's right here.

The defenseless youngsters were tied up and gagged in the living room... while the bandit roamed through the house at will, stealing the valuable objects it took the family a lifetime to shop for.

Name, please? Simpson family. We're not poor. Well, we're not. Go on in. They're expecting you at the clubhouse.

(SCHOOL BELL RINGING)

Those are supposed to be baggy pants! Baggy! Ooh! I've never had a pair of pants that fit this well in my life. Okay. Memorize these funny place names. Walla Walla, Keokuk, Cucamonga, Seattle.

for the last 20 years.

Observe. A bike lock. Now just turn around and count to three.

Homer, do something. The ceiling's not a safe place for a young baby. All right, I got it. Come on. Get off the--

"Guess who likes you."

Yeah, but what are ya gonna do?

Oh, could you make sure not to scrape my asphalt. Kiss my asphalt. So I says, "Kiss my asphalt." Hmm? Hmm?

Come on! Get out! Noodles, Seesaw, Oopsie, Lobsweat, Hoohah, jitters, Sir Wide Bottom! Oh. I'm stuck. Easy, boys. My bum. I'm sure I'm alive, but why?

My finger slipped-- Ahh! So did mine--

Moe, thank God you saved my baby! That hideous man is a hero!

Bart ! Let's celebrate our newfound ability to express love. I'm taking you out for frosty chocolate milkshakes. Yea ! There go my young-girl dreams of Vassar. Hello, I'm Dr. Marvin Monroe. No doubt you recognize me from TV.

You must perform for her one completely unselfish gesture. You mean, like give her full custody of the kids? Yeah, full custody. That's exactly what I-- - You're an idiot. - Oh! You gotta knock her off her feet with something utterly romantic, something that says, "I care about you."

Now help me make up some phony credits. Fat Guy Number Three? Good. Good.

Congratulations, sailors. You're all in the naval reserve. Yea! Congratulations! You are all pastry chefs! - Yea! - Congratulations. You are all World War I historical re-creationists. Yea! Uh-oh.

Kids treat adults like cash machines! Adults! Kids! Adults!

Drivers, start your engines. Venders, start your gouging. I'll pay anything! And now, smashie-smashie!

It was only a dream. Bart! Is that you? Yes! Take out the garbage. And then he raked me across the chest. And the weirdest thing was, it was that school janitor who mysteriously disappeared! Groundskeeper Willie!

Come on. Get in there. Drop! Woo-hoo! Ow! So, Lenny, let's say you pull a thorn out of the pope's butt, and he grants you one wish. What'll it be?

I'd like a yellow boat, please, with extra motors. Yo, no cuts, bro. Where's my motorboat, pig? Uh, right through that door. Whoa! Yo! Ouch!

I want candy But don't you want to end world famine? I want candy Or save the endangered Alaskan salmon. I want candy Well, if you won't think of society's ills--

Well? What do you think? Uh- You rock, Homer. Really? You really think I'm better than you?

You can't fire me! I quit! Please! I have a family. Relax, Dad, it's just me. I was wondering if you had any industrial-strength adhesive I could use on my face. Well, let's see what we got in the old drawer. Eh. Eh.

Oh, he's poor. But look at all the other people that aren't p-- Oh, look at all the people who could buy and sell me! i should send a list of these names to the I.R.S.! i'm taking them all down!

that the real news is on local TV,

You're not gonna win her back. She's with the "House" now. Milhouse, she's only dating you to get back at me. My therapist said that's all I could ever hope for. So take off, hoser!

(GIGGLING) Uh-oh. Girls. You guys need your cootie shots.

Squeeze every penny. Squeeze every penny. I'm squeezing. I'm squeezing it. Hey, I squeezed so hard it went into my hand. Oh, Homer, not again.

They're heading for the old mill. No, we're not. Well, let's go to the old mill anyway, get some cider. That's a good idea. Let's get some cider. Aw, boy. If only Bart had been a better role model for everyone. That's not fair. The lesson here is that...

I got a coupon.

It's a monster! Kill it! Kill it! It's not a monster. It's Mr. Burns. Oh, it's Mr. Burns. Kill it! Kill it! No. No, let me explain. Every Friday evening after work, Mr. Burns undergoes a series of medical treatments... designed to cheat death for another week.

We're proud to present on the W.B. Another bad show that no one Will see I need a drink. It's the TV movie of the year-- The Krusty the Klown Story: Booze, Drugs, Guns, Lies,

Now, I know I haven't been the best Christian.

Not here. Come into the dining room. I have a 20-minute presentation that will change the world. 20 minutes? Oh... Okay, now before I tell you about my idea I'd like to show you this.

Uh, shouldn't we help him? He knows what he's doing. Ahh. Can't get a good sarsaparilla like this back in Springfield. It "angries" up the blood.

Hush, my pet. Now let us gather our rosebuds while we may. (SHUDDERS) A robot? Last year the winner was a jar of owl pellets. Oh, I don't have a chance now. Honey, all you need's a little help from your dad.

Hello. Hello ! Hello, taste ? Where are you ? You can put a little something on top for flavor.

Rustic workmen who have turned the Sanijohn into a smokehouse. Coveralls that don't quite cover all. And a psychotic little boy who will not stop hounding me! This little boy right here!

Well, my time's almost up here, so I'd just like to say I know Woody Allen. "And now the winner for the most-promising new series on cable-- old Starsky and Hutches." Accepting the award is the son of the guy who played Huggy Bear.

A giddy little thrill at A reasonable price

Ugh! Ew! I kissed that sad weird kid! My beer! You never had a chance to become my urine. (SOBBING) Why you little... (CHOKING)

And I owe it all to the Homer Simpson Program. The what, now?

would pretend to be a 44-year-old virgin. Oh, that's for sure! I'm inclined to agree. Ach! I'll never look at him the same again. That was more than I wanted to know. Okay, well, um-- Edna, Seymour, in light of these, uh, revelations,

Welly, welly, welly.

Yes, darling? I'm Bart's partner.

Senior citizens' discount. "Senior citizen"? Flanders? Well, we'll see about that.

Small investors have been wiped out. I lost all me "screw you" money. I'm very sorry to hear that, Willie. Screw you! Authorities are currently operating under the theory that Ziff is living in a cave somewhere.

No way, man. We're gonna keep on rockin' forever. Forever. Forever. Forever. Forever. Forever.

Hear ye! Hear ye! Hear ye! He is not the official town crier! Police, do something! Well, I'd like to, ma'am, but he's too damn good.

Oh, this is heavy. Okay, Homer, don't fear the reaper. Ohh! I'm gonna die!

Oh, oh. Thanks, boy. I love you, Dad. I love you, son. Aaaaaaaaahhh!

Should we get started? Um, eh, no time like the present. Hmm, something's not right.

"The Barney Bugle"? Lisa, you've made me realize the importance of free and independent media. So I printed my own paper! Although, it's mostly culled from wire services. (BELCHES) Hey, who wants a copy of The Lenny Saver? You have a newspaper, too?

Well, here's what's on tap for season nine. Magic powers! Wedding after wedding after wedding. And did someone say long-lost triplets?

JJ Hey, hey! Hey, it's the guy from the drive-through. Yeah. I'd like three Ribwiches, a Diet Coke- Will you get out of my- Look, uh, about the Ribwich. There arent gonna be any more. The animal we made 'em from is now extinct.

Bart, look. It's Dad! Dad, when did you record an album? I'm surprised you don't remember, son. It was only eight years ago. Dad, thanks to television, I can't remember what happened eight minutes ago.

"Oh, this porridge is too hot. Oh, wah, wah, wah!" Want some more, do ya? Well, sure. Heck, it's not my job to talk people out of killing themselves.

Oh. Oh, get lost!

Now, the key to great dancing is one word: tappa-tappa-tappa. Tappa-tappa-tappa. Teacher, my shoes are making noise. You must be Ralph. My daddy shoots people.

Yes, they are, Roy. Judge Snyder? While we're young? Oh, sorry.

Oh, Mom. I've seen what you do around the house, and I can handle it. Maybe I can even make things more efficient. Oh, really? Well, knock yourself out. just don't expect any miracles from those two. Gotcha! Gotcha! I'll show you! Good lord! You're wasting thousands of dollars worth of interferon.

Oh, oh! How about Oklasoft? It's Oklahoma's fastest-growing software company. Um, cushions? Everybody likes to sit on cushions. Children are so fat today. Isn't there some way we can make money off that? There's a franchise fair this weekend. Why don't we buy a business? I never thought of that.

Come on, come on! Get that corpse off the road! The streets are for the living!

I did it. It's your classic cry for attention. Well, young lady, I suppose we brought you home from boarding school a little prematurely. I was expelled, Dad. Remember the pipe bomb? The glee club brawl? Remember the school chapel collection plate?

Keep looking shocked and move slowly towards the cake. Now, let's clear this up. Who exactly are you?

Wait. I'm confused. Why was a wolf shooting a web? Cartoons don't have to make sense. He's right, you know. Daddy, are you sure it's okay for us to watch cartoons? Mm-hmm. This one's fine and dandy, Roddy. It's approved by a council of Presby-Lutheran ministers.

Get away, protestors! You can't stop me from living my life! No respect for women! No peace!

Listen, folks. There's no magic formula. I just follow the three C's-- Clean living, chewing thoroughly... and a daily dose of vitamin church. And, of course, I resist all the major urges. All of them? You mean you've never splurged...

Meanwhile, they're making major interest on my salary. Hey, maybe I could sue 'em! Fourscore and four, fourscore and five,

My vast, vast, vast fortune.

Say good-bye to your brother. What the hell! Linguo... dead? Linguo... is... dead.

Hey, Homer! Great call on that chicken place. And on that rib place! I never knew everything was so good! Look, Marge. I'm making a difference in people's lives.

It's The Sou-ou-oul Mass Transit System. Give it to me. El yoyÓ es grande. ¡Ay, chihuahua! As you can see, Simpson, I have taken over all 78 channels, and you won't see any of your favorite shows again until you give in!

that something will come along and save the two Simpson children.

I will not rest until this street gets a stop sign ! Next on the agenda. Police Chief Wiggum... will give us an update on our graffiti problem. Well, it's no secret our city is under siege... by a graffiti vandal known as "El Barto."

What did you swipe? An "I Love Lefty" glass. Left-handed pinking shears. Pinking shears? Let's go to the food court and steal some baked potatoes. Hey, Flanders, when are your busy hours?

Shut up, Updike! Listen, honey, a lot of kids think of me as their daddy. But I'm just a simple TV legend. Here, have a key chain. No. I'm sure you're my father. You met my mom during the Gulf War. Ohh. Was your mother an Israeli flight attendant?

Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Mom, that is really annoying. Bart started it. Uh-uh. Lisa started it. I don't care who started it! I don't ever want to see you two fighting like that ever again.

What... is it, sweetheart? My sodie is too cold. My teef hurt. Oh, your "teef" hurt, huh? Your "teef" hurt? Well, that's too freakin' bad! I'll tell you where you can put your freakin' "sodie" too!

Uh, Your Honor, I was chasing the KBBL Party Penguin Prize Patrol. You abandoned your son to win $40? And a Blue Oyster Cult medallion. Cool.

Just one minute left to get into heaven. There's gotta be some good deed I can do. Come on. Think, think!

I'm sure your opinion will not go unnoticed. (HELICOPTER WHIRRING) (GUNS COCKING) Simpsons, you are under arrest for the violation of the Government Knows Best Act. Martha, play something to lighten the mood. (PLAYING TAKE ME OUT TO THE BALL GAME)

Yeah, even Reggie. He ain't so stuck-up once you get to--

From this point on, no talking. I'm sorry I had to arrest you, Homer, but what I did was right.

Six by 14! (ALL GASP) Bart Simpson, I hereby sentence you to six months at the Springfield Juvenile Correctional Facility. Juvie? Please, Judge. You can't! I'll do anything. I'll squeal on my dad. He's been up to bad things. Crap you've never even thought of.

Man, that Princess Tempura's one heck of a Transformazoid. Wait. I'm confused. Why was a wolf shooting a web?

I'd like to return this barbecue kit. All returned items must be in a box and accompanied by a receipt. Well, if you'll follow the flashlight, you'll see the receipt embedded here and here, and elements of the box here, here and possibly here.

Use your main finger on the yellow side and your other finger... on the orange side, and turn it. My main finger? You gotta start backwards! - Alternate corners. - One at a time! Spin the middle side topwise. Topwise! Now I remember why I put this down here in the first place!

Now let's get on with our... really big show. Ed Sullivan.

"In regards to your specific comments about the show, "our research indicates that one person cannot make a difference... "no matter how big a screwball she is. So let me close by saying--" "And the horse I rode in on" ? I'll show them what one screwball can do !

Ha-ho. That's a sweet shot. He's tied to a chair. That means Dad's not a kidnapper. He's a hostage! Get off my lawn, coppers, or I'll totally turn the sprinklers on!

Well, Homer, you've driven away the best neighbor a family could ever want.

We don't take kindly to transvestite chimpanzees here in Pine Corners! No one can save you now! I said, "No one can save you now!" Shut up! I'm comin'!

Go home, children. Hello! Mrs. Pommelhorst! I'd like to get down now.

(HONKING) (RAP MUSIC PLAYING) A-blowin' reveille He's the boogie woogie bugle boy of Company B

I wish we had a glass-bottom car. I can't help but wonder what we're missing.

Hmm, I better go check that out. Now, Homer, don't you eat this pie. Okay.

Dad, we didn't come halfway around the world to eat at Americatown.

Uh-oh. So what are we doing, a lengthening or a widening?

Tappa-tappa-tappa, tappa-tappa-tappa.

What should I do, Lord? Give me a sign.

Gabriella's baby shower will be invaded by terrorists, with sexy results. Ooh, that's unexpected. What else? Well, Sister Bernadette will leave the convent and start a softball team, with sexy results. What's Dad doing on the show? Who cares? He's dishing out the dirt.

Uh-- Hey, look! Someone's attractive cousin! I don't see anybody! So, he thinks he can out-skateboard me, huh? Launch me, boys!

What's he doing here? My yearbook. No! Mm-hmm. Hey, you guys! You want to see how cool Lisa Simpson really is? Check this out. Miss Perfect Attendance, Grammar Rodeo head buckaroo, the French table.

I didn't realize you were a member. So long, suckers.

Good afternoon, gentlemen. This is Scorpio. I have the doomsday device. You have 72 hours to deliver the gold, or you'll face the consequences. And to prove I'm not bluffing, watch this.

All right. Three hours to blast my quads. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Bart, what's wrong? You seem distracted. Oh, I was just thinking about Milhouse and Lisa.

If a tree falls in the woods and no one's around, does it make a sound ? Absolutely. But, Bart, how can sound exist if there's no one there to hear it ? Whoo ! It is time.

Fired? Me? Everything I did, I did for you! (DOOR SLAMS)

Hmm? Well, well. Finishing something?

Nothing! How can you even accuse me of repeated infidelity? Oh! I'm so angry, I could just-- I could fall asleep! I-- Completely innocent.

Hmm. It's starting to cool down. I'll bake another pie. Ooh, how about cherry this time? And would it kill you to make some coffee? Why is this taking so long? Bart was born in about five minutes. Actually, it took 53 hours.

Homer, for the last time, please give the church back. That is gonna drive me nuts. Look, this church is our only option. Dont you kids want to live here? Anything's better than that dump we came from.

Let's go to the Sharper Image. They've got a TV shaped like a '50s diner! No! Let's go to The Nature Company. They've got a TV assembled by Hopi Indians. We can't afford to shop at any store that has a philosophy. We just need a TV. We're going to go to the outlet mall in Ogdenville.

You? No way! It's too dangerous. Well, you're no angel behind the wheel. What about your D.U.I.? That was a D.W.I. Give Grampa a chance. Statistics show that old people drive... at least as well as sleep-deprived apes. Please, Son. Driving is my last chance to feel alive.

Now thar's a lonely man. I'm new in town. Be there a cool loch... where a lass could wash her long, red hair? Nay, but there's a pool at me apartment complex. There was a rat in the deep end.

There's just one piece left in the puzzle. But I've caused so much trouble already, General Washington. I can't go on. We had quitters in the Revolution too. We called them Kentuckians. Well, I'll just have to find another little girl to be president. What's your friend janey's number?

Hello, Bart. Oh, it's you, Bob. How you doing? No screams? Not even an "eep"? Hey, I'm not afraid of you.

Isn't that skirt a little north of the knee? You're telling me. I guarantee I can find some new revenue streams. Step one: Let's sell some ad space. Reverend, how would you feel about wearing this robe?

Yeah. "Go to bread." B-E-D! Bed! Oh! "Bed"! Oh. Well, anything you say, Sis. You didn't say which bed! Go to your bed!

Lower! Mmm, this is as romantic as the night I proposed. Maybe we can have this band play at our wedding. l was kind of hoping we could use this audio cassette. Seymour, weve got to have a band. Fine. But no cake. Sarah, you’re as lovely as the day I first arrested you.

Oh, sorry, folks. Gee, I really hate to spoil this little love-in, but Mr. Malloy broke the law. And when you break the law, you gotta go to jail. That reminds me. Here's your monthly kickback. You just-- You couldn't have picked a worse time. I caught the cat burglar! I caught the cat burglar!

Burns, this is a big problem. You just can't throw money at it and make it go away. Gentlemen, I've decided there will be no investigation.

I am looking forward to an orderly election tomorrow... which will eliminate the need for a violent bloodbath.

Hello. I'm Leonard Nimoy. The following tale of alien encounters is true. And by true, I mean false. It's all lies. But they're entertaining lies. And in the end, isn't that the real truth? The answer is no.

What are you doing ?

Okay, half of you vibrate that way, two of you fall down, Nelson, you just spin around in a circle.

forced to subsist on a thin stew made of fish, vegetables, prawns, coconut milk and four kinds of rice. I came close to madness trying to find it here in the States, but they just can't get the spices right. Uh, my punishment? Hmm? Oh, I'm gonna have to think about that. Meanwhile, wear this home.

And the other one.

Oh, no! My favorite outfit!

Mmm. Mmm! Oh-- Little piece there. Mmm.

D'oh! Let go! Mmmmm... ohh... ahh... Marge, it's times like this I'm glad I flunked out of that Mexican med school. Hi, Barney. Thanks for keeping me company. No problem. Well, well.

When we're intimate ? Be intimate with Marge. Ohh. Can I just make one suggestion ? Can we get up early and watch the sunrise together ? Ah, watch the sunrise. Till 6:00 a.m., my dearest darling, and my last day on earth.

Wait, wait, wait. Here comes Lee Marvin. Thank God. He's always drunk and violent. Uh, what the hell is goin' on in my town?

(UNINTELLIGIBLE GIBBERISH)

While there, she ate six pomegranates-- People don't want cars named after hungry old Greek broads ! The want names like "Mustang" and "Cheetah." Vicious animal names. The problem with you guys is you've forgotten your roots. You, what are your roots ?

Yeah, right. Ms. Phipps, the school nurse, who will provide ointments and unguents, and jimbo, the school bully,

Then your ancestors drove us into the sea... where we've suffered for millions of years. But you seemed so happy in the ocean. All that playful leaping-- We were trying to get out. It's cold, it's wet. Every morning I wake up phlegmy. Plus all that sewage we keep dumping. That was you?

Uh, listen, Homer, we'd love to help you, but we're not really set up for lepers. So you're shunning us. No, no, no, no, no, no! I'm just thinking we could send you to a better place. You know, a place where they could really take care of you.

Hmm? Huh? Look, it's snowing!

Look, napkins ! These people are obviously freaks. Oh, you think so ? Well, let's see what's behind door number two. What are they doing ? They're having a conversation. They enjoy talking. I wish I could hear what they're saying. Papa, I believe I heard some rustling in the bushes.

D'oh! Where did that rat come from? He must have brought it in with him. Hmm. Damn it! Man, is he dumb. Where do they get these subjects?

Very well. I-- I-- I can't do it! Even that car chase seemed tacked on.

Simpson, I order you to buy those shoes !

Welcome to your official Whacking Day headquarters. I've hidden a snake somewhere in the store. The first one to whack it, gets a free Squishy. Hey! Hey! I should've put more thought into my promotion.

Simpson scandal update. Homer sleeps nude in an oxygen tent...

Flibberty flabberty one two three Ow! Okay, who threw that? Who threw it?

While you were out earning that dollar, you lost $40 by not going to work. The plant called and said if you don't come in tomorrow, don't bother coming in Monday. Whoo-hoo! Four-day weekend!

Help. I need tungsten to live. Tungsten!

Hey, Lise, something wrong? Not anymore! You punks are about to get a taste of your own medicine. This is my brother, and he knows karate. Uh-oh. Oh, we're real scared.

Son, I represent a group of oil tycoons who make foolish purchases. We already bought us a stained glass bathrobe...

So, how are things at home? We flushed the gator down the toilet, but it got stuck halfway. Now we have to feed it. I'll bet you want a piece of me. Well, you ain't gonna get it, see?

So, has your daughter always been such a righteous little rabble-rouser? Oh, yeah. She's always trying to improve mankind. Fascinating! Do go on. Wait a minute. Are you trying to get dirt on Lisa? Oh, you saw right through me. Well done. Have some congratulatory drugs.

It's the Simpsons, sir. Well, if it isn't the Simps. Uh, i-it's the Simpsons, sir. Huh ? Oh, uh, oh, yes. Homer and Marge Simpson. Oh, and these must be Bart, Lisa and, uh, Expecting.

the s.s. Microwave. Ah, my crÊpes are done. The Doggie Doorman. Good evening, Rex. And Mobilier-- the chandelier for your car.

Hello? Anyone home?

OLD SEA CAPTAIN: "So Eden sank to grief. "So dawn goes down today. Nothing gold can stay." Yarr. Hey, Sea Captain. Giving your toys a Viking funeral, eh? I really don't want to talk about it. If you change your mind, I won't be far.

Mmm! This could really spice up those pies I've been making. What the dickens?

Hi, everybody. Now, tell Dr. Nick where is the trouble. I'm edgy. I got ants in my pants.

Oooh, I've wasted my life.

They're attacking again. I thought we had a truce. Just because you keep saying it doesn't make it so. Oh, my word. Eat this! You can't stop me! I was sent by God!

Hey, what are you doing ? No ! Drop that drumstick ! Bad dog ! Bad Santa's Little Helper ! Come on ! Give me that ! Give me that ! Doh ! Okay, out you go ! Hey, boy, come here. You're a good dog.

And though Flanders was stuck with the impound fee,

You know, I've done a lot of exciting things in my life. I went down Mount Everest on a boogie board. Wow. Climbed Niagara Falls. Ooh! Oh! And just last month, I knocked out Muhammad Ali.

Now just because I'm his father, he'll get no special treatment. He calls me "Coach" just like everyone else. Which he'll be doing as our new starting quarterback! Oh, no! What? What a rip! But, Coach-- What is it, sweetie?

Darn teenagers with their beer bottles. Uh, yeah. Teenagers. Huh!

Kick up! Hup, whoa! Go-o-oal! Look, Marge. I'm Brazilian! "How to Loot Brazil"?

Possessions are fleeting.

And if you get eaten, it's your own fault! Ow! Oh! Oh! My-- Oh, to hell with it. Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it!

Pharaoh didn't put the sound in later. But who'd know the difference? The people being whipped. (YELLING) (GROANS) Hey, Lovejoy. You could take a lesson from Flanders. You know, inject your services with a little razzle-dazzle.

Great. I'm gonna eat mayonnaise. Bart, stop it! Stop what? Squeaking that chair. Hey, that's what I do in my room, Lise. I squeak my chair.

Well, I'm off to get the paintings. As they say, "time is Monets." As you were, Sergeant. Oh, terribly sorry. Back to sleep, little girl. Santa?

Oh, my! Hello. I'm Evan Conover with the U.S. State Department. "Undersecretary for International Protocol, Brat and Punk Division." Unfortunately, Bart, your little escapade could not have come at a worse time.

End quote. I never heard the plight of my people phrased so eloquently. Was that Rabbi Hillel? Nope. Judah the Pious? Maimonides? The Dead Sea Scrolls! I'm afraid not, Rabbi. it's from Yes, I Can, by Sammy Davis, jr. An entertainer, like your son.

Now we play the waiting game.

- Check. - Hello, Mr. Thompson. Remember now-- your name is Homer Thompson. I gotcha. Hello, Mr. Thompson. Now, when I say, "Hello, Mr. Thompson"...

I'm glad you had fun, but it's time to come home. Your mother's right, Homer. Gotta get back to the real world. Yeah, weve all gotta get home. My lawn’s not gonna mow itself. And I’ve gotta put up the storm windows. Winter's coming.

I fell 8,000 feet onto a pile of jagged rocks. Of course, folks were tougher in those days.

Whoa. That isn't good. Stop the ride! I'll have to ask my supervisor. Better stop it.

Whoa! Uh, are you all right, man? Uh, I think so. How about now? Ha-ha! That was no accident. Shame on you, Nelson. Cram it, ma'am.

because tonight we present The Simpsons Spin-Off Showcase. Not long ago, the Fox network approached the producers of The Simpsons...

Hmm. One dollar for eternal happiness. Mmm, I'd be happier with the dollar. Now we just sit by the mailbox... and watch the money roll in.

Hey, Nelson. What's up with your girlfriends? Oh, they each had twins. Listen, girls, I'm going out for a pack of cigarettes. Isn't that what your father said the day he left you? Yeah. I never understood why he did it, till now.

Duck, duck, duck, duck. Duck, duck, duck, duck. Say "goose," you stupid freak! (CRYING)

That reminds me-- Troy said something interesting last night at the bar. Apparently, he doesn't really love Selma, and the marriage is just a sham to help his career. Well, enough talk. Let's snuggle. What? Oh, my God! Marge, could you close your eyes? I'm trying to sleep.

D'oh. I'm the worst Poochie ever. No, it's not your fault, Dad. You did fine. It's just that Poochie was a soulless by-product of committee thinking. You can't be cool just by spouting a bunch of worn-out buzzwords. Don't have a cow, Lise.

And she's giving us the emotional experience of a lifetime. (SOBBING) Thank you for this angel, Lord. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah yeah, yeah, yeah, no

something you wish wasn't there, because you feel bad you hurt your sister's feelings. Leave me alone. just look ! Okay, okay. Lookin' for the spot. Still checking. Oh, this is so stupid. I'm not gonna find anything.

D'oh! You didn't mean that. No, I didn't.

Ohh. i remember Little Vicki Valentine. Her perky smile and dancing brought America right out of the Depression. Well, I think World War II helped a little, Mom. Don't smart-mouth, Lisa.

Hey, Houdini! Why don't you saw Martin in half? Oh, I'm not the kind of magician who does tricks. I'm a mathemagician! Oh, man!

I paid for a colossal doughnut, and I'm gonna get a colossal doughnut. You don't scare us.

We'll have Christmas tomorrow!

Forget it. To get those tickets, our parents would have to be part... of Springfield's cultural elite. Can you believe Flanders threw out a perfectly good toothbrush? Eww. Oh, no! It's Ralph!

I just came in to use the phone, and they got me for the whole Road King package-- alignment, shocks, Armor All, stem lube. Stem lube. Even I didn't fall for that, although winter is coming. Man, we are a couple of grade-A suckers.

These guys aren't so tough. I've got Wonderbat.

Hey, why'd you eat 'em? I thought you were a vegetarian. I didn't. I just wanted to leave.

Hold on, kids! I'm coming to rescue the lot of ya! I'll-- Oh! I'm bad at this.

Larry, you must meet our daughter, the debutante. She came out last spring. Whoa! Put her back in! She's not done yet.

but that he is also innocent of not being guilty. I refer you to my expert witness, Dr. Hibbert. Well, only one in two million people has... what we call the "evil gene." Hitler had it. Walt Disney had it. And Freddy Quimby has it.

No suspenders for you. I guess not.

You have a choice. Fight back! I'm gonna write the best darn article-- Oh, wait. Hah! Take that, Uncle Sam!

It wouldn't have made a difference. Lights out, you punk kids!

- Aah ! - Aah ! Why, you little-- Uh-oh ! Now I got ya ! Aah ! Aah ! Boy must die ! I love you, Dad ! Doh ! Dirty trick.

No one will notice if you wear a pink shirt to work. Wait a minute. Go back. Zoom in. Why is that man in pink?! That's Homer Simpson-- a boob from Sector 7-G.

Then we're all happy.

That's the first time he fights Dr. Crab. And I wanna buy that baseball card where that guy's flippin' the bird. Oh, yeah. I seen that one. Oh, and a monkey ! What the hell is that ? Why, it's a death ray, my good man. Behold ! Hey, feels warm. Kind of nice.

So I wanted to kick up my heels and indulge my sweet tooth.

Oh, let's try Matthew Perry. Yeah. Could I be any more of a house? Meh. Who else we got? Hey, Cha-Cha, I got more features... than a NASA relief map of Turkmenistan. Isn't that the voice that caused all those suicides? Murder-suicides. Hey, how about 007?

Now, the clock's still running, so it's important we start this play as quickly as possible. Oh-ho, boy! Don't dream about me no more, kid. Help! Lisa, help! - Bart, you're in trouble! Wake up! - Wait a minute. If you're here, then you've fallen asleep too.

Look out! Behind you!

We're going downhill and I can't reach the brakes!

"I'd like to learn more about you, so write soon. Here's a photo that will get your pencil moving." You've got a date with the Xerox machine. Stupid lumber. Damn it! D'Oh! I..! Oh, the hell with this!

Oh! Hello, Scratchy. The Big Bopper? Ritchie Valens? Buddy Holly? No!

(GRUNTING) (SIGHS) Oh, you stupid son of a...

Yeah. Homer again. I think we got cut off. Hello?

Uh, there's Chiquita. That's Del Monte. There's a Banan Co. Gorilla's Choice. Hmm. Now, uh, everyone follow me to my chair, where I just need to get off of my feet for a few minutes. Oh, I won't be getting up soon.

Bart! What in the name of high school football? Out of my way! I'm Hitler!

Take that, safety boy. This padding's so easy on the knuckles, I could punch all day.

I'll show you a big, dumb, balding ape !

You look at this table and what do you see? just a table. Now a creative person like me looks at this table... and sees all kinds of creative things, but no tables. Homer, that's not a table. That's our dryer. My files!

Ah, fresh victims for my ever-growing army of the undead. Sir, you have to let go of the button. Oh, son of a bit--

You spent $5,200 on beer?! $5,200? What are you talking about? What? I sold it all for 25 bucks!

"But the great thing is after thousands of years "of holding on and fighting they finally made it." End quote. I never heard the plight of my people phrased so eloquently. Was that Rabbi Hillel? Nope. Judah the Pious?

You must be the three chiropractors I sent for. Now, start manipulating my spine. Hey, Moe, we don't know nothin' about manipulatin'. You heard the lady. Grab her spine and get crackin'. Moe is their leader.

Is it safe to eat that much food, Dr. Hibbert? You know, I wouldn't have thought so before I bought 12% percent of this restaurant, but now I feel a balanced diet can include the occasional eating contest. But what if he chokes? Oh, not to worry.

Sit up straight. Eyes forward. No talking. Is that gum? Is that gum? Is that gum? Oh, yeah. Whew. Bart, leave that crowbar here. You know I don't like you prying and jimmying.

So, Edna, I, uh... (CLEARS THROAT) I wrote up some possible discussion topics for this trip. Oh, here's one. I'm still in love with you. Discuss? Oh, Seymour, I've moved on. Our romance is in the history books and there's nothing worth highlighting. Ha! The Skin-man doesn't give up that easily.

my exclusive program of diet and ridicule... will really get results. And the best part is, when you come to Kamp Krusty, you'll spend the summer with me! Honest Injun!

I had that dream again!

Look! The snow's melting! With a little help from our friend, sodium chloride! Dad!

Smile more. Work that pelvis. No, too much smile.

Thanks, Magic. Fight-fight-fight, fight-fight-fight the itchy and scratchy show! Oh! Aaaaaaaaaaah! Aah!

He really needs a girlfriend. Oh, Marge, what if I wind up as some vegetable...

You really blew it this time, Smithers. Stop that! Stop that at once! You're fighting! Stop fighting like a girl, Simpson! Okay.

I'd kill you if I had my gun! Yeah, well, you don't.

Mom? A professional in an ape mask is still a professional. And you'll find that saving for your future... is far more thrilling than any roller coaster. Really? Wow! I should have started a long time ago. Mm-hmm. Now fill out these forms. I'm sure you'll find them more exciting than a weekend with Batman.

Mr. Bergstrom ? Mr. Bergstrom ! Hey, hey ! He moved out this morning. He must have a new job. He took his Copernicus costume. Do you know where I can find him ? I think he's taking the next train to Capital City.

No need, Mom. We already learned in school. This is Fuzzy Bunny. About a year ago, he noticed his voice was changing. He had terrible acne, and had fur where there was no fur before. He also noticed Fluffy Bunny. Boring!

It means he spends more time yakking and scarfing down doughnuts than doing his job. Oh, okay. I thought you were putting him down. You know, I defy anyone to tell the difference... between these doughnuts and ones baked today.

Ooh. You sound like me.

Herpes! Trust me. Anybody here have herpes? Huh? Huh? You people are the worst audience I've ever seen. Well, you're the worst comedian we've ever seen! Oh, great! Well, we'll just sit here silently for the next 90 minutes. Fine with us.

How were his test scores? Let's just say this-- he spelled "Yale" with a six. I see. Well, I-- Oh, you know, I just remembered it's time for my annual donation. I wonder how much I should give. Well, frankly, test scores like Larry's would call for a very generous contribution.

Shaka Zulu! Which way should we go? Mmm-- Hmm. Mmm. Hmm. Hmm? Hmm.

Is there something wrong, Homie? No. Except-- Except... I killed Mr. Burns!

A chopper, we're saved! Hey, you're the guys who didn't like our capering. When you get to hell, tell 'em Itchy sent you. Oh, my. It looks like we're doomed.

Lisa! You will respect your new mother. Now, give her a kiss. Kiss her!

D'oh! Not again! I can't take much more of your blundering numskullery. I'll be in the car, dudes.

Good luck. Come on, guys.

Oh, dear. My wife is going to kill me. I only want to eat candy. Then that's all you'll get. This leash demeans us both. I'll take two! I'll take a dozen! I represent the Precious Baby Discount Stores.

Thursday. Meat loaf night. As it was, is now and ever shall be. What are you getting at ? Well, you're always trying to teach me... to be open-minded, try new things, live life to-- Nobody's trying to teach you that. Shut up, boy. Well, maybe Lisa's right.

Hot fudge! Arr! lt burns! Oh, great. And I just got all that gum out of my armpits.

Shuttle's in the hangar. You want to be my slave? Outstanding!

I could've sworn I just heard someone shriek my name. BART: You heard nothing! That's better. (GIRLS GIGGLING) (LAUGHS) Spank me again with little boy's picture. (BOTH LAUGHING) What are you kids laughing at?

Oh, I might've known-- but I didn't. Bart, get outta there. My poor boy! Will he be all right?

Ooh! Anything spicy? Oh, that's not the point. We should report this to an Omnitouch care rep. People's privacy is at stake. Great. I'm gonna eat mayonnaise. Bart, stop it!

I get this. Hey, my name's Ray. Ray Magini. Ray, you know me better than anyone. How can I get my wife to love me again? Beats me. I'm no marriage counselor. Just a licensed and bonded roofer.

(LAUGHS MISCHIEVOUSLY) BARNEY: I guess you're just too smart for me, Bart. What? Ha-ha!

Hey, pal, that's my head shot up there next to the pepper steak, and don't you forget it. You're all talk, Hamill. You never even finished jedi school. - Show's over, Mayor. - Look out!

Don't bitch to me, boss man. Thanks to the latest budget cuts, I'm down to using Grade "F" meat. Wouldn't it be wonderful if there was some sort of common solution to both our problems? That would be great.

Is he the same as "jack be nimble"... and jack Frost and Little jack Horner? Say, how about a little NyQuil? All gone.

You did it all. It was never the hair. You did it because you believed you could, and you still can. No, I can't. I'm just a big fool. Oh, no, you're not ! How do you know ? Because my mother taught me never to kiss a fool. Carl. Now go get 'em, tiger.

I can always get a job testing dangerous food additives. We'd like you to try this new diet cola. We call it "Nature's Goodness." What's in it? 2-4 desoxypropenuramine.

Why'd you bring that up? It was an amusing episode... of our lives. Thanks for coming to visit me, Moe. I, uh, brought you a little present.

Oh, no. I'm late for wood shop. But we're early for lunch. Let's go grab a burger. Boy, you never stop eatin', and you don't gain a pound. It's my "metabomalism." I guess I'm just one of the lucky ones. Well, well, well. If it isn't Homer Simpson and Barney Gumbel,

Look at my life. I'm talking to a monkey and a-- I don't know what the hell you are. You can be so cruel when you're sober. Well, I'll fix that. I'm goin' on the bender to end all benders.

Hmm, actually, I just told you pretty much everything. Watch me dive ! Watch me dive ! Okay, we're watching ! I hope we're not spoiling them. Nah. Man, you weren't watching ! You didn't see what I did ! You didn't watch me dive ! Did I do a double whammer--

I mean, stop blowing your sax. Your sax. Stop it. Mom, I'm auditioning for first chair in the school band, and I've got to practice. I'm sorry, but I sacrificed a very expensive camera just to get some quiet time. Fine. I'll play outside.

Think unsexy thoughts. Think unsexy thoughts. Think unsexy thoughts. Oh, that's unsexy. Ew!

Rise and shine, sleepyhead. You'll be late for the next rocket to the moon! He's never going to get up. He's got no legs. What are you doing here? Oh, well, since Edna dumped me I've been wandering around this park all night. It's educational and offers mild thrills,

Really? So you finally left Durwood. His name is Homer. Oh, Neddie, look at them up there, plotting our doom. They could force us to commit wanton acts of carnality. Yeah, that'll be the day. What's that, Ned?

How do we know when we fall in love? Oh, don't you worry. Most of you will never fall in love and marry out of fear of dying alone. How do I create a half man, half monkey-type creature? I'm sorry, that would be playing God. God, shmod-- I want my monkey man.

plus that ticket you got for panhandling. But, Marge, it was all for you, to buy you all the nice things you deserve. The flowers, the earrings, the Bob Seger boxed set, which really only needed to be one disk, but the box was nice! Homer, I don't need fancy things. And even if I did, this is the wrong way to get them.

The sermon today is on john 4:13.

That oughta show little Timmy and Tammy Scumbag who's in charge around here. Gee, Chief, all those gears and motors must've cost a fortune. Well, you gotta spend money to make money, Lou. Mm-hmm.

What did he say? What did he say? Was that about me? Okay, Otto. Pressure's on. Don't choke. Don't choke. Don't choke. Don't... choke. Oh, man! I knew I was gonna choke.

Boo? Hey, look out! He's nuts! Look out! Out of the way, Baryshnikov! He hit the star player. Oh. Dad has the worst luck when he's drinking. Now does this hurt?

Now to answer all the pop-ups. Ooh! A talking moose wants my credit card number. That's only fair.

Shoo, nerds! Shoo! Well, this muscle shirt's a pretty good find. Dad, that's a sports bra. All I know is I'm finally getting the support I need.

I can't believe it! I can finally afford a young, crazy, stripper wife. Yeah. I'm gonna get me the craziest, "strippiest"-- He's dead.

You hate me, and I hate you even more. But without my beloved ringers you're all I've got. So I want you to remember some inspiring things that someone else may have told you in the course of your lives and go out there and win. Not so fast, Simpson.

Mom, are you sure you don't wanna discuss it? Sure as sugar. Lisa, the important thing... is for your mother to repress what happened. Push it deep down inside her so she'll never annoy us again.

That is so sad. Oh, come on, honey. You know how it turns out. After all, you wouldn't be here today if I hadn't become the responsible head of a household. Can we have a can of frosting for lunch? Okay.

Contemporary. I'm a well-wisher, in that I don't wish you any specific harm.

Someone's yellow belly is showing. Oh, sorry. Ah, geez. Right in the eyes. Chief Wiggum! Who's there? How do you-- How do you know my name? It's us, the Simpsons. Oh.

Hello, I'm Dr. Cheeks. I'm doin' my rounds, and, uh, I'm a little behind.

But only if your father promises to behave. Marge, I'll be on my best behavior. You have my word as a gentleman and a lady. Now let's see. Which rifle should I bring? (GRUNTS IN DESPAIR)

Great set. Oh, thanks. But the crowd kept looking at me like I was using too many augmented ninths. Aw, they just came for the buffalo wings. But you really got through to me. Oh, good. I figure if you've got something special to say, you have to share it with the world. Yeah. While you still can. Thanks.

Son of a-- oof! What next?

Oh! Dear God, no! Fortunately, we have a plan. Professor Frink? Hi. Good evening, ladies and-- Quit stalling! What's the plan? All right, just take your seat. just take your seat.

Wow, Lisa! I never appreciated all this, like, sea junk before. Hey, that clam's got legs! That's a hermit crab. When she outgrows her old shell, she finds a new one that's a better fit.

But then I found the other garden behind the barn, the one with the camouflage netting.

Less chat, more hat.

Good lord! Put out an A.P.B.... on a Uosdwis R. Dewoh. Uh, better start with Greek town.

And next in our fall catalog-- we love this-- it is a vision in raspberry cream. Ohh! Pure genius.

...Scratchy show

- Will you take us to Mt. Splashmore ? - No ! No !

If you really want to help, clean these paint brushes. Thank you, Bill Cosby. You've saved the Simpsons. there he sitS with A pen and A yellow pad

See you in hell, dinner plate.

Aah! It's the Rapture! Quick! Get Bart out of the house before God comes!

Okay. You just bought yourself a 3-17: pointing out police stupidity. Or is that a 3-14? Nah, nah. 3-14 is a dog, uh--

Hey, macarena Please! I'm trying to drive! Hey, let's go to the girls' college! No. The Playboy Mansion. Playboy Mansion! Shut up! It's my car, and I say we're going to the lost city of gold. That's just drunk talk.

Lisa, it's your birthday happy birthday, Lisa Lisa, it's your birthday happy birthday, Lisa. Yeah!

with full waffle bar privileges. But first, I'm afraid we have some bad news. The waffle bar is closed. I'm sorry. I'm so very-- Homer! The bad news, ladies, is we already have wives. Well, you can't be very happy with them if you married us. You two fellas are the nicest husbands we've ever had--

Touch the stove. I cant take any more of these shows.

One of the most historically significant fruit presses... in this part of the state-- was based on a German design, but modified for the larger American apple.

Nelson! Um, that note Milhouse gave you? It wasn't from him. It was from... me.

Tomorrow we'll be Mr. and Mrs. Bob Terwilliger. Isn't it grand? Hey, Bob, give some of that honey this way. Mmm... mmm! Holy frijoles! We've got ten minutes till MacGyver. Driver, here's Fin. Get me home, and don't spare the whip.

Repeat the fourth grade. Repeat the fourth grade. All right, class, the topic is world literature. What was the Pirate's name in Treasure Island ? Bart Simpson. Look, lady, I got a peptic ulcer, a wife hocking me for a new car, and I need a root canal.

Remember, Homie, I'm doing this for us. See you on Monday.

Should we give them some of their money back? No.

CLANCY: This is it, boys. We'll have to tummy-kiss our way out. (BLOWING TUMMY KISSES) (BABIES LAUGHING) LOU: This is a bouncer one here, Chief. KENT: Baby's got backlash! Springfield citizens are outraged about the destruction caused by the bad babies.

You're welcome to go up there... if you want to see 16,000 boxes of unsold wigs. Now, are you gentlemen gonna buy some wigs or ain't ya? I guess fate was against us.

Wave to the people.

Ha! They're out of their minds. Oh, I heard about this. This is the one where Scratchy finally gets Itchy. Wow!

So tell your folks, "Buy me Bonestorm... or go to hell!" Buy me Bonestorm or go to hell! Bart! Young man, in this house we use a little word called "please."

- Well, this could be quite enlightening. - Ohh!

I learned the truth at 17 that love was meant for beauty queenS

I bet it's something low-rent like Billy Bob. Or Homer. Big ugly Homer! (GIGGLING SPITEFULLY) Oh, I'm sure it's a much nicer name than Homer. Er... Think, Homer. Think. YOUNG MARGE: What did you say? I'm Elvis!

What the heck are you doin' over there? There! You found the floor. "Y." "Y." "Y." "Y." "Y." "Y." I'm going out. I run errands during the day.

Ohhh! Oh, dear! Hmm.

It should be... Gary Oldman. Dad, I'm no fan of Bart's cartoon, but you have a real problem with anger. I'm just passionate, like all us Greeks. No, you're angry. Look, you're punching the cat right now. Oh, I am-- Oh, my gosh, you're right! I'm a rage-aholic.

she told me to walk this way walk this way walk this way walk this way walk this way walk this way.

It can take a six-megaton blast. No more, no less. Oooh! Blankets, radio. Oh, a Gary Larson calendar. I don't get it. I don't get it.

Homer, didn't john seem a little... festive to you? Couldn't agree more. Happy as a clam. He prefers the company of men.

Get that cat out of the way!

Bart, what are you doing?

So I thought to myself, "What would God do in this situation?" Locusts. They'll drive him nuts. It's all in the Bible, son. It's the prankster's bible.

Eww! It's my hair! Excuse me. Your mother seems really upset about something. I better go have a talk with her-- during the commercial. Now let's hear it for a great American--

Five hundred dollars on red. The winner is black.

Relax. I'm just here to have fun like everybody else. Don't think of me as a teacher. Okay. So. Mm-hmm? Excuse me.

You see there? He's fine. Ooh, look at him go. Oh, I'm so hungry. Oh, why keep starving myself? No one cares.

Oh, no! Ned Flanders! He's dead! He's definitely dead!

We need Skinner back. My water dish is empty!

Oh! Oh, yeah. Well, Bart, any last requests? Well, there is one, but-- Nah. No, go on.

The kids tracked us down! Oh! Our romantic holiday just became a stinking family vacation. Marge, I won't let that happen. We have to grab this chance for romance now or we'll never be alone! Not till Lisa's in college and we've lost contact with Bart!

Do we have to? No. Then kiss my curvy butt good-bye.

Here's mine. You know, my mom sounded a little down the other day. I'd better give her a call. Homer. Marge. All right, folks. Show's over. No more to see, folks.

Yes, I really should stop ending the tour with it. Now, let's get down to business. Oh, man!

BART: Sure he's tough but he's never come up against a wooden mallet. Listen, Son. There's something I have to tell you about our robot.

This is a great deal. Hohh! Hey, Mom, how about if I learn karate? Will that make you happy? That sounds fine. See, you knock TV, and then it helps you out. I think you owe somebody a little apology.

I was just with Dr. Hibbert. He said I was under a lot of stress and should get some help. Marge, whatever it takes to make you well, we'll do it.

Excellent. With McBain out of the way, nothing can stop us ! Any more new business ?

Who do you want to talk to first? The guy in the bumblebee suit,

It is blowfish, sir. But I should warn you that one--

I'm telling you. It's not going to work. See? He was taking a bite, and his jaw locked. Hey, look. I can fit my entire fist in here. Hey, hey, hey. Cut it out.

This shouldn't be too hard to fix-- with the right tools.

and you will have any man you desire. Really? What are the magical ingredients? Mostly corn syrup, a little rubbing alcohol. You'll be lucky if it doesn't make your hair fall out actually. Oh!

The Simpsons are going to Africa. Yea!

Just ask if anyone knows Ollie Tabooger. I don't get it. - Yell out, "I'll eat a booger." - What's the gag? Oh, forget it! Professor, I'm, um-- I'm burned out on bartending.

Candy and sodas for all. Mmm, convenient. Homer, this-this is never easy to say. I'm gonna have to saw your arms off. They'll grow back, right? Oh, yeah. Whew. Homer, are you just holding on to the can? Your point being?

Gross! Thanks for dinner.

Not that you care about the ups and downs of my appliances. Do you? Do you? Oh! That's it! I'm going to show you some moves I learned from G. Gordon Liddy! I'm so sick of names! (BOTH GRUNTING)

Oh, eight carousels ! We're in For A real treat. Hello, steady customer. How are you this evening, sir ? How ya doin', Apu ? Mmm, chocolate. Ooh, double chocolate.

Perfect. Krusty, I'm so sorry about the attempted murder. Will ya stop with the "sorry"? Every time you try to kill me, my ratings go through the roof, you nut! We are good together, Krusty.

So then I said to Woody Allen, "Well, Camus can do, but Sartre is smartre." So original. How droll.

That was close. I wonder where Goldilocks was.

As the top student in my graduating class of seven million, I was accepted for graduate study in the United States. Mmm. Wherever you go and whatever you do, we will always love you.

Objection. That party-hearty attitude... is a registered trademark of the Duff Corporation. Whatever happened to... fair use? Lousy community service.

Fine! Should we take one car, or should I follow you? Hey, according to the charter, as chief constable I'm supposed to get a pig every month... "and two comely lasses of virtue true." Keep the pig. How many broads do I get? Hey, hey, let go! You're rippin' it! - No, you are! - No, you are!

Folks, we're just having a little family tiff. If you'll just bear with us-- Oh, shut up! Always trying to act so mature. - I'm glad you make the least money. - Oh, that's it! Hey, hey, stop it! Stop it!

So? Beware the Ides of March.

This orange drink is the only way... to recoup our terrible losses from Fire Drill Follies.

Well, guess I might as well head back to my store. I got a date with some twins- the state and federal tax forms. Poor Ned.

in the Victoria Secret Catalog.

Earthquake! Nurse!

jeez, you'd think this would get easier with time ! I'd love to. In a taxi, honey Half past 8:00 Mmm, okay. Now where's that pomade ? Ah, "Never fly solo again." Ooh !

C) merciful God... who has blessed mankind with two kinds of clam chowder... help me find the remote. There it is! i Ve never actually been to a baseball game. The fresh air gives me hives. Die, monster!

It's chili! Oh, my God! I'm missing the Chili Cook-Off!

Very nice, Homer. Wow! How many Pulitzer Prize winners can do that?

I love you, Homer. Come here, you! Here you go, buddy. Did you walk the dog? Yeah, he buried me a couple of times. Yeah, dogs like to bury old junk. Yeah, you stupid idiot.

Homer ? Homer ? Oh, Homer. Homer. Hmm. His drool. It's warm.

Oh, I'm going to miss this! Hey, hands off my pickle! I don't see your name on it, boy. No, but-- Oh, yeah? Check... mate! Always thinking two moves ahead.

The enemy surrounded the fort and said that if the captain was sent out, the rest would be spared. What did they do? They sent him out. Was he killed? And how. That's why they call it Fort Sensible.

Hey, this was a lot of fun, guys. Yeah, we never knew nobody with their own tennis rink. So what happens now? Is the food free, or do we pay someone? Course not. They send ya a bill. Well, that's why I asked. That's how you learn-- By asking, you dumb-ass.

I suggest we split up to cover more ground. Good idea. Milhouse, you and me will be Omega Team.

Catholic school, eh? That'll straighten you out, boy. There you don't just get bad grades, you go to hell! Oh! Oh, no! (SCREAMING) My pacemaker!

And Homer, I can see you need me more than ever. Get back in the garage, old man. But there's spiders in the boxes. Stay out of my boxes!

If you want Mom back, you just have to remember what you give her that nobody else can. I'll pay you $40 if you think of it for me. - No. - Okay. 30.

Was that Al Roker? His exuberance is perplexing. Of course we have headsets, but you would be mad to stop there. Tell me, what is currently plugged... into your car's cigarette lighter? Uh, a lighter. I weep for you. These days, everything from fax machines to coffee makers...

Well, this looks like a good place to set up camp. Wow! What a view.

I'm old! Gimme, gimme, gimme! Huh? Hey! There's something you don't see in a toilet every day. Anybody lose their glasses? Last chance. Whoo-hoo!

Why, it's Bart Simpson! Hello, Bart!

It's a healthy cereal from Europe. Müeslix! They also make Juice-lix. That's Milhouse. And it sounds like he has big news!

Now we'd like to play a Jimmy Buffett song, but he uncooly charges people to cover them. So here's a Captain Bart original. Wasted once more in Daiquiritaville Rip-off! Get off the stage!

What kind of parents would permit such a lapse in "scalpal" hygiene? Well, you'd better check out his sister. She could be rife with them "boogs" too. Keep away! Hey, come on! Those are prescription shoes! I need them! You have cooties!

This is Kent Brockman with a special live report... from the headquarters of Krusty opponent, John Armstrong. How can I prove we're live? Penis. Now here's the candidate. Krusty is an insensitive bore unfit for public office. Just take a look at this incredibly offensive sketch from his show.

Alien Autopsy. Illegal Alien Autopsy. Godfather III: Good Version. He's got the tape of Kent Brockman picking his nose. Look! He's picking his nose!

Homer, do you want your son to become chief justice of the Supreme Court... or a sleazy male stripper? Can't he be both, like the late Earl Warren? Earl Warren wasn't a stripper.

Look in your heart. I think you'll see what you want.

f Marge's Voice f Wha- Oh. f Lisa's Voice f f Bats Voice f

Hooray! Wanna split the birthday cupcakes?

J; A little ofthis, a little ofthat. Bulkenoids for my lats... Meso-Max for my delts... and estrogen blockers for that minty taste. Whoa!

A date. Dinner with friends. Dinner alone. Watching TV alone. All right! I'm gonna sit at home and ogle the ladies... in the Victoria Secret Catalog.

(ALL CONTINUE YELLING) To repeat what I said a moment ago, you are so dead! Dios mio, this kid is fun to hit!

Dealing drugs? Drugs? I'll have to say drugs too. Close, but you're way off. Look at that beautiful garbage.

Yes? Hello. May I help you? Uh, could you give me a little push in the opposite direction? Okay. Thank you.

Later, as I prepared to bathe, I noticed, to my horror, that someone had slashed the pillow. Mm-hmm. Who called the police? We both did. Look, why don't you two settle down?

It's got to have sex appeal... and a catchy name. Mom, we're having a geography pageant at school, and I don't know which state to go as. In honor of legalized gambling, why not go as the state of Nevada? No. Nevada makes my butt look big.

Mmm... snouts. Yes, I'm back.

- I did it. - Wow ! All right ! Cool ! Way happenin', Bart ! Awesome ! Oh, man, you're the king ! Thank you. How about a hand for these brave little animals !

Time enough to start over with a new man. Someone who eats with his mouth shut. What's that, Patty ? Nothing. Finish your steak. Look at him wolf down that gristle. Mm-hmm. It's an accident waiting to happen. Do you know the Heimlich Maneuver ? No. Good.

You can't upset him even slightly He just smiles and nods politely Then goes home and worships nightly His Leftorium is an emporium of woe

Hey ! What ? What ? Oh, my. Where are we supposed to get a sitter on such short notice ? Oh, dear. If we can't find a baby-sitter, we can't go. What a kick in the teeth. What do you need a baby-sitter for ? I'm almost ten and a half.

I remember lisa's third birthday. She and Bart did this adorable little song and dance routine. Oh! That was a real horn-honker! Let's see it. Now! Do it! Oh! DO it!

Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife? I do. One groom-- Two grooms? But he-- But you can't-- Oh, my medication!

MARGE: Bart, can you come in here for a second?

- Hey, wait a minute. He didn't. - Homie, please. I never ask for much, but this is something I really need. All right, Marge. I'll get you your nanny. And to pay for it I'll give up the Civil War re-creation society I love so much. Well, Homer's out. We gotta find a new General Ambrose Burnside.

Come on, damn it! Change! Ah, forget it. Mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm. I really did it once. Yes, yes. I just wish you had the power to leave my store. Mmm, mmm, mmm. You almost had it there.

Merry Christmas, Simpsons!

(TOILET FLUSHING) Huh? Where's the Ee-yow? All yours, Homer. You didn't sit on the toilet. I didn't have to. I'm a dude. (GRUNTS) Butt on bowl, little man! (BOTH STRUGGLING) Hey, my pants aren't down! It doesn't matter!

Hello. Are you Don Mattingly? Yes. Yes, I am. Come in. Come in. Can I get you something? What's your name?

Well, shall we sing a hymn? Uh, "Nearer, My God, to Thee" maybe? Or-Or-Or-Or "Amazing Grace"? Mmm. Nah. Oh, Marge. Don't let go, no matter what.

(MOANS) Okay, I'll do it because your sweet love is the one thing that saved my life from being an unmitigated disaster.

We shall meet again, old friend.

Oh, Lord. Don't worry, son. You'll be fine. This boy's appendix is inflamed and about to burst, which will make it easier to find once I get in there.

Ooh! Help me, Dr. Zaius!

No tricks, boy. I said I'm gonna punish you. And come hell or high water, I-- Wait a minute! Ice cream truck!

Look, everybody! Here they come.

Sure do! When you're 18, you're out the door! No, Dad, you promised if Bart and I got "C" averages, we could go to Kamp Krusty.

Hang on. I've got call waiting. Hello? Hey, it's me. I got Marge on the other line, and she is totally bumming me out. Dad, I thought you didn't like her saxophone.

Adam West! Hey, kids. Batman. Dad, that's not the real Batman.

Owee! Owee! Owee! Ow! Mm-hmm. Young man, this stress fracture... will require you to be in a cast for six weeks. That means I can't possibly race. You're lucky to be alive. Save your palliative cliches for the next poor sap, Doctor. Is it okay to visit? Of course.

If I sign it, it still counts! (SCREAMS) My hemophilia! (SCREAMS) Oh, uninsurable? Oh.

Bart! (LAUGHING) (CHOKING) Why can't you be friends like me and Mr. Finger?

Samantha! Dad! Noooooo! Samantha, you're my little girl and sometimes my imagination runs away with me. just tell me what happened. Milhouse and I... That's enough! I'm putting you in an all-girl school.

That's odd. I don't have a secretary or an intercom. But send him in. Ahoy there, Dean. I understand you're taking suggestions from students, eh? Well, me and my fourth-form chums think it would be quite corking... if you'd sign over your oil well to the local energy concern.

pandas only feel the slightest tickle from these powerful electric shocks.

and Todd Flanders, one of the most skilled ten-year-olds... to ever take back the blade. Bart, having never received any words of encouragement myself, I'm not sure how they're supposed to sound, but here it goes. I believe in you. Thanks, man. Dear lord, we beseech Thee-- Hey, Flanders, it's no use praying.

Well, at least we got a free sample of Reading Digest. Marge, I never read a magazine in my life, and I'm not gonna start now.

Hiya, Homer. Say hello to the Plow King. Barney, you stole my idea.

We don't want anyone to be a hero! A hero! A hero! Get me Buck McCoy! Dad, I'm on the line. Here ya go. Just stop this bank robbery, and you'll be a hero again. - I'll wait in the car. - Are you crazy?

Will this do? Thanks, doll.

Aaaaaaaaahhh! Mom! Dad!

Say, Cletus, have you seen a couple of kids go by? I don't have such a good memory since I drank my thermometer. But I whittles what I sees. (BANJO MUSIC PLAYING) Is this them? It sure is. We're on the right track. What are you making now?

Just, uh, you know, keep the lewdness to a minimum.

We never will. Dearly beloved-- Wait! I want one last chance to enjoy single life. Okay, ready. I will now read the special vows which Homer has prepared... for this occasion.

Would a motel be okay ?

Homer, what's wrong?

(GUNS COCKING) Bart, two, three, four. You put my dad in jail, flip, spin, twirl. Milhouse, if you tell anyone, I'll tell the world you wet your pants watching Harry Potter. I wasn't scared. I was just peeing! Look, if you tell what I did, I'll get in trouble.

So why don't you just waddle over there and get it ? Yes, sir ! Wow. Breathe it in, boys.

Y-E-S. "Decalcify calcium ducts?" Well, give me a "Y." Give me a-- Hey. All I have to type is "Y."

"Gas your termites," "Freeze your termites," "Zap your termites," "Save the termites." Hello!

One hundred dollars. Of course, you'll have to sign a waiver relinquishing your right to sue and so forth. Merely a formality. A hundred bucks ? Well, uh, it's a very generous offer, sir, but his medical bills alone--

Hey, Abe, you want to hook up after the show? Yeah! To a suicide machine! Aha-ha-ha. Now, everyone knows Homer loves his family. I'm sick of your lies! Secrets and lies!

We just christened a boat. Yes, sir, everything is gonna be just Perf-- Aaah!

the status quo for the wealthy elite? Don't you think we ought to attack the roots of social problems... instead of jamming people into overcrowded prisons? Look, Lisa, it's McGriff, the Crime Dog. Hello, Lisa. Help me bite crime. Ruff, ruff.

We were there to discuss the misprinted calendars the school had purchased. Lousy "Smarch" weather.

We're not savages. I'm a paralegal from Cleveland. And I'm a nutritionist from Santa Fe. We were a tribe on another reality show, but we lost the final challenge. I just couldnt eat any more kangaroo testicles. So the showjust abandoned us here. The weird part is now I cant get enough of 'em.

- Hey, there he goes! - Let's roll! Uh, Homer, you're driving. Not yet I'm not! You'll know when I'm driving! And it'll-- Tiffany's, eh? It looks like Smoochie's... gonna seal the deal with a diamond the size of a doll's head.

Oh, Mom. This was the worst party ever.

I can't do anything right lately. You're just having a bad day. I had one last week. I burned the roast. My cake fell. And I ran out of butter, so I had to spray the English muffins with PAM. Maybe you're just a lousy cook. Ow! I'll go get the Bactine.

Don't worry, Dad. Mr. Smithers is a resilient man. I'm sure he can get a great job at any corporation he wants.

Go up to the attic. There's a whole trunk of clothes up there.

Damn, damn, damn. McBain.

Hah! Attempted murder one. Now, boys, what would you say to some Belgian waffles? Actually, I was in the mood for some frittatas. Ha! Lou and his frittatas! Frittatas! Oh, he likes eggs. Oh, Lisa, you saved me!

We certainly are. Pass me another hunk of copilot. Dad, Mom's getting worse. You have to take her to see a real psychiatrist. Look how tense she is. She's fine. Oh.

(GRUNTS) Where is the tower? It's the backseat of my Merkur. There's 37 cents in the coin caddy and stay out of my diary! (RATS SQUEAKING) Quiet, my pretties. Soon, we'll have revenge on those who mocked me! Also on those who were kind to me.

Hey, Dad, it says they need your full name.

Don't cry, sweetie. Everything's gonna be all right. Come on, kids. We should go. Goodbye, Selma.

HOMER: Easy... Easy... Easy... Easy... D'oh! Water damage? Can't be returned. I win again! (CACKLES)

Let me show you how it works. This baby has every phone number in town programmed into it.

I won't drink at Moe's Homer's old garage is all I need I won't drink at Moe's Because Moe's a big jerk and a "she-male" too That calls for another beer. Barkeep! I thought this was gonna be your bar. - It's a family bar. Right, kids? - Can we go to bed now?

D'oh! Marge, stop this crazy thing!

And now, Marge, I'd like to welcome you to the family... with your very own red blazer. For me? Oh, ho, ho! Congratulations.

You'll want to focus on the neglected food groups, such as the whipped group, the congealed group... and the chocotastic.

Well, in the meantime, here's a carton of smokes you can use to buy stuff. Aw, thanks, boy. I'll give you two packs for that candy bar. Three. - Why, you little-- - Guard! Guard!

One of them's playing my saxophone. Oh, no. The spit valve! Release the spit valve! Over the sink! Over the sink!

Whatcha doin'? We're headin' back. Todd's got Zesty Italian in his eye. Okay. But at least let me take the boat out for one last spin. Oh, I don't know. Too late!

Ha-ha! Come on. You have to go outside to do your... business.

Capital! "You will find true love on Flag Day."

Trusting every aspect of our lives... to a giant computer was the smartest thing we ever did!

All hail Emperor Clobbersaurus. Your wife has paid your bail, Mr. Simpson-san.

I hope you're prepared for an unforgettable luncheon. Yeah.

Oh, this is heavy. Okay, Homer, don't fear the reaper. Ohh! I'm gonna die! Cannons are designed to hurt.

to the Christian Military Reform School.

Sure, there were a lot of laughs. You probably couldn't hear them. The acoustics were so bad. Yeah, the acoustics. That's what it was. I mean, "Me so sorry." Yeah, I was great. Did you get a load of "Corpsey" the Clown?

Where's my cigarettes? We flushed your sin sticks down to hell. - Smokers are jokers. - Smokers are jokers! I think I'm gonna throw up. Ooh. Who wants to hold Mommy's hair? Me! Me! I do!

To think I wasted my life... in board rooms and stockholders' meetings... when I could have been watching cartoons !

Cyohl You guys dont have a gay time machine, do you? Yes. ts called Grad/s shoe closet. Hey, Julio? Ouch. I gotta gol JJ Oh! Oh, Lordy. Now for ye knights' and wenches' delectation...

Huh? Aw, what a beautiful frame. Perfect for my day care permit. Sweet. Mm-hmm.

And the number one reference that I am running into the ground is... Homer simpson.

they tend to use lowbrow expressions like, "Oh, yeah?" and "C'mere a minute." Oh, yeah? They think they're better than us, huh? Bart, c'mere a minute!

Yea! Oh, they rebuilt our house! Oh, it's a miracle!

Kill! Kill! Great game, Lise. Great game, Bart.

This'll be the best Christmas yet. The best any family ever had. Ho ho ho. Ho ho ho. Ho ho ho.

We've been charged for calls to Brazil that we didn't make. We are not paying this bill. Fine. I'll cut off your service! Fine. I'll cut off your ponytail! Homer. Marge, it's called negotiating.

Hey, hey there, Midge. Oh, gee, I like what you've done to your hair. You caught me at a real bad time, Moe. I hope you understand I'm too tense to pretend I like you. And how are the little kids doing?

Oh. Do you think this marriage could really work? Who knows? We can always get divorced. Of course. God bless America.

Listen here. I want to join your team. You wanna join my what? You wanna what his team? I've had one of my unpredictable changes of heart. Seeing these fine young athletes reveling in the humiliation of a vanquished foe-- I haven't felt this energized since my last... boweling. Oh, man. He'll blow our winning streak.

You Choo-Choo-choose me? Happy Valentine's.

I write this letter not to nag or whine, but to prod. We can better ourselves. Yeehaw! Well, most of us.

Ladies and gentlemen, I'm sorry to disturb your pleasant ride, but unlike yourselves, I was born without taste buds. Let me demonstrate. I'm in over my head here. Thank you for your time.

Why can't we see it now? Well, it's not really on our walking route. Where'd you get that champagne? Clown. Thanks, Noodles. All this commotion just for a store?

Blood for Baal! Blood for Baal! Blood for Baal!

Who ordered a Mount Bellyache? I ordered it for my little girl. I'm done. Oh! That cost $88! I don't feel much like eating.

Springfield's answer to Cheech and Chong. Allow me, gentlemen. You just bought yourselves three days of detention. You know where and when. 3:00, old building, room 106. And in another article, I found out... that to hire professionals to do all the jobs of a housewife, who, incidentally, is not married to a house,

What would Ben Franklin say if he were alive today?

(GROANS) Hmm. Oh, loveless loners are so lucky. There's no way I can afford to give Marge a nice anniversary present. Oh... You poor man. You smell worse than you did last time.

Well, beats work. Yeah, beats school.

Now we play the waiting game. Ah, the waiting game sucks. Let's play Hungry Hungry Hippos.

What's he saying? He identifies himself... as a magnet for foodstuffs. He boasts that he will banish dirt to the land of wind and ghosts. Wow! Yes. You have very lucky dishes, Mr. Simpson.

Oh, my. I've been so unfair to Becky. Maybe I am insane. I mean, I am talking to myself. You are? Oh, I thought I'd made a friend. Becky, I want to apologize to-- Usurper!

Cleanup in all the aisles. Welcome, steady customer. I see you are ready for the Civil War reenactment.

I reached him. Homer, drive defensively. - Sometimes the best defense is a good offense. - Faster, Dad. Truckasaurus awaits.

Huh. Hadn't noticed. Whoo-ah! isn't it a beautiful moon tonight? Huh? Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah. I'll look up with you in one minute. The train. You hear that? That's the train! Isn't that the most beautiful sound you ever heard? It's almost as sweet as your voice.

Bart's making faces at me. It's a nervous twitch, and I'm sensitive about it if you don't mind.

You the boss? Yes. I'll call Security. Listen, Mr. Big Shot if you're looking for the kind of employee who takes abuse and never sticks up for himself I'm your man! Treat me like dirt-- I'll still kiss your butt and call it ice cream! If you don't like it, I can change!

What am I saying? Of course it is. T-shirts! Get your sassy T-shirts! 50% cotton, 100% awesome! Daddy, can I buy this one? Let's see. "Get bent." Well, the only thing that could mean is kneel down and pray. We'll take the whole box.

And be honest, because no one from the show is here spying on you. Why is that mirror sneezing? Uh, look, it's just an old, creaky mirror. You know, sometimes it sounds a little like it's sneezing... or coughing or talking softly.

Hmm. Mm-hmm. Hmm. Well, there's your problem. I know that. How much to fix it? Oh. Well, that's a foreign fish we're looking at. So, uh, 6,500. Plus 350. Oh, I can't afford that.

I shouldn't have shaken hands with those old people.

J At iastJ J Relax Don 't do itJ - pp - Disco Stu should have disco ducked. Ow.

- Sparkle, sparkle. - Bart!

But these other bones look almost like wings. You mean, like... an angel? Well, obviously, that's impossible.

Wow! They showed him! Man, I never liked Shakespeare until now.

just do it! Nothing doin', missy. Now do you want your half order of garlic bread or not? No. But if you'll just ring the-- Oh, that's it. I'm putting an end to this. Lisa, no, no, don't! It won't be the-- Oh. It's heavenly.

Oh, lousy Wiggum. Now the whole town thinks I'm a chili wuss. Wait, mister. You're drinking a candle. You don't want to get wax in your mouth, do you? Maybe I do, son. Maybe I do.

And turn and flex. And shake and bounce and turn. And flex and shake and bounce.

[ Humming Edgar Winter's "Frankenstein" ) Otto, welcome. Apu, hey. Got a bad case of the munchies, man. Time for a heat-lamp dog.

This taco is full of hair. Uh-huh. There's your explanation. Shall we tell Marge?

I'll just keep these then. Don't worry, Stampy. I won't let Homer sell you to that ivory dealer. You and I are gonna run away together. We'll keep to the back roads and make our way south. Then, if I know my geography, it's just 12 miles to Africa. Okay, bud, very quietly, let's just sneak through--

my silkies, my dainties and my unmentionables. I insist on searching every inch of this home personally. Here's my underwear drawer. Where's that robot? Hey, Chief. You better get in here. Mrs. Bellamy's necklace!

Doctor, you weren't supposed to remove his gall bladder. Put it back! Put it back! Your wife don't understand you But I do Gee, Homer's singing to his ball again. He's bowling a 280. Oh, yeah?

Ew. Whoa! This place has everything, even a Shoplifting Department. What convenience. I'm doin' all my thievin' here. This is so much nicer than the Kwik-E-Mart. Oh. Oh, I'm sorry, but, oh, it really is.

I'm surprised he just doesn't give it up and go for sweat pants. He says the crotch wears out too fast. Yarrr! That's gonna replace the whale in my nightmares! Well, don't worry. The giant Éclair will knock Homer off the food page... and into the obituaries.

Maggie! Please, Maggie. Please go to sleep.

All you have to do is hit the ball here. I can't believe it. You've actually found a practical use for geometry.

Hey, I heard there's a lunar eclipse tonight. Maybe we should look up. Nah. For me it's solar or nothin'.

Hey, hey! Sabu! Uh, I need another magnum of your best champagne here, huh? And bring us the finest food you got stuffed with the second finest. Excellent, sir. Lobster stuffed with tacos.

Pick a horse, kid. Shelbyville Downs, third race. Make it good. Eat my shorts.

Sit down! Sit down! You're ruining it for everyone!

Somebody's nervous. Well, we got the cure for that. Margaritas. Margarita? That's Mexican for Marge. I'll take that as a sign. JJ Where is he? Where is he?

What the hell are you doing, you little freak?

So if you don't want to see crude, lowbrow programming disappear from the airwaves, please, call now.

This is so humiliating. Well, at least your name's on the bowl. Hmm. (GROWLING) (BOTH GROWLING) I submit! I submit! Hmm.

It's behind a velvet rope. A velvet rope. Lisa, you can't go this far and then not go further. Dad!

Okay. I have here the four greatest inventions... in the history of mankind. First, my all-purpose electric hammer, for all your pounding needs. Ow!

If you don't believe me, look at this book that I found. She's right ! Humans, you have stopped eating. Listen, you big, stupid space creature, nobody, but nobody, eats the Simpsons ! I beg your pardon ?

Let me in. Let me in! He steps on the clutch and the toilet goes flush...

Does Mr. Simpson have a demon, Daddy? Looks like it. Run and get Daddy's exorcism tongs. Yea! Honey, if you don't wanna take the medicine, we won't force you. Really?

I ain't gonna get out of the fourth grade alive. You've gotta tell Principal Skinner, Bart.

Female carrier, Bart. Lady, where's my spy camera ? "Where's my spy camera ?" Where's my spy camera ? Where's my spy camera, lady ? Every day for the last six months-- Where's my spy camera ? Where's my spy camera ? Where's my spy camera ? Here's your stupid spy camera ! Oh. Thanks, ma'am.

Hey, you nearly hit me on the head! Quit crowding the plate! Oh, you want a piece of me? j People, iet me teii you 'bout my best friend w' You see, this is the stuff Mom wont do with me. Yeah.

Olive oil, lemon juice, tartar sauce, chocolate syrup, gravy, bacon fat, hummus and baba ghanoush. My scalp hurts from horsefly bites. Why don't you freeze it with an ice cube and hit it with a hammer? - Works for me when I get bubbly gum in the old push broom. - That sounds okay. Aaah! Aaah! - Stop! Stop! - Hmm.

If, in fact, you've consumed the venom of the blowfish-- and from what the chef has told me, it's quite probable-- you have 24 hours to live.

Hey, where's Charlie? How'd he get outta this? Aw, he's at home on disability. He got injured on the job, and they sent him home with pay. It's like a lottery that rewards stupidity. Stupidity, eh? Must hurt self. Must hurt self. Must hurt self.

Beat it, Simpson. Man, I thought you were cool. Aha !

Oh, you guys are pathetic. No wonder Smithers made me head bee guy.

Is any of this gonna be on the test? 'Cause I wasn't payin' attention. Come on, Marge. Let me in! There's crickets out here.

- Sorry. I'd rather go to heaven. - Hmm.

How can I get her to notice me? Meet me at the tree house, Bart. And come alone.

Can we get a room with a view? Oh, you'll have a great view of the whole beach from the electric needle room. Really? The whole beach? Yes. From the electric needle room. Electric needle room?

Kids don't beat me. I beat kids. And nobody does it better. (ALL YELLING) You monsters! You followed us! No. You don't understand. We came here to give you some privacy... We understand perfectly well. Let me finish my sentence! Never!

I rest my case.

Go back to Massachusetts, pinko! Oh, and one more thing. I've stolen a nuclear weapon. If you do not rid this city of television within two hours, I will detonate it. Farewell.

You know, you look a little flushed. Maybe you should eat more vegetables and less people. Uh-huh.

I always just figured my wife was my soul mate. But if it's not Marge, then who is it? Where do I begin looking? This really goes beyond my training as a furniture salesman, sir.

Hey-- They put a sticker over my face. Hey. "Viva la"-- "Kiss Me"-- What? Hey! Ah, for the love of jeff. Ah! Oh. Am I really that ugly? Moe, it's all relative. Is Lenny really that dumb?

and settle into a nice teaching job. Man, it will be my pleasure. Lisa has told me all your students are as bright and dedicated to jazz as she is. Let's go now, Mr. Puente. Chocolate microscopes? You know those guitars that are, like, double guitars, you know?

Skinner! Your bus driver just totaled my Camry! Can I offer you the use of my Merkur?

Close that door! You're letting the heat out! Shut up, shut up, shut up!

You said you just needed to use the bathroom. Now I find you buying comics. Oh, our transaction is completed. You may take the boy. Wait! As soon as Zed gets here, the party will begin.

Hey! Oh! Huh? Aw, darn it! Swish was everything I'm not. Put the head back on. [Man On PA JAndnowit's time for our $50, 000 halt-court shot. - The winning fan is in Section "A "- - Yes. Row 12- Yes. Seat fti/ Whoo-hoo!

LISA AND JANEY: Miss Lucy had a steamboat The steamboat had a bell Miss Lucy went to heaven And the steamboat went to... (GASPS)

Anybody want coffee? I'll have coffee. Want it black, don't you? Black like your heart. It's so hard to listen.

Baby - I Ay, caramba ! Bart ! Dad ! Oh, here's what I was looking for. Blue chips closed up three and three-quarters. Oil service stocks slumped slightly on the news of-- Son, you shouldn't watch that other channel. It's only for mommies and daddies who love each other very much.

Well, um-- without further ado, I give you the man who puts young people behind bars... Where they belong-- TV's Matlock! We love you, Matlock

Homer, didn't you get any milk? All I see is eggnog. 'Tis the season, Marge! We only get 30 sweet, noggy days. Then the government takes it away again. I think I'm having chest pains.

any way you want it she said any way you want it that's the way you need it

Well, that's what they get for wearing such tight little shawls. Oh! Okay. 4:00. Nap time. You tell 'em when to sleep? Shh. Don't wake them. While they sleep, we suck up excess dirt and crumbs.

- Well, how are you feeling this evening? - Uh-- Actually, I'm a little chilly. Can I have another straitjacket? Of course. - Thank you. Dr Foster? - Hmm. At least your memory's not crazy. Now, Ned, you may remember... we spent some time together 30 years ago.

Are you ready to get Duffed? Hey, it's Duffman, the guy in a costume that creates awareness of Duff! Duffman wants to party down with the man who sent in... 10,000 Duff labels to bring me here today.

Huh? Ha-hal I did it! Whuh-huh? You saved my life. I saved a life.

Barney? Hi, Homer. I want you to meet my friends Armando and Raffi. ...So I took A big chance at the high School dance with A missy who was ready to play... Hey, Moe, come on. Get up here. And I know that love was here to stay she told me to

The Shrieking Sheik lives just three doors away. Hey! I'll take it.

I feel like I'm gonna explode here!

My pies are done. Oh, she missed it. Hey, Maude. I'm home. Uh-oh! I think I'm having a heart attack! And that's the end of that chapter.

Okay, everyone turn to the left. Hey! Oh, come on, people. The Prison Nutcracker Suite is one week away. And I don't see five sugarplums.

Okay, delegates. You leave tomorrow for the statewide Model U.N., so this is our last chance to bone up. And bone we will. Lighten up, Lise. Finland, let's see that native dance.

Wait. Why don't we take a little study break ? Do the hustle ! Keep it down !

It's okay, but it's missing a piece. Welcome to real life, Lisa. You can't fight city hall, a.k.a. Blockoland. So don't even try! What kind of a thing is that to tell your children? It's what I always tell them. I told them that twice yesterday, and then again as they were going to sleep.

Uh-uh-uh. I've decided to protect myself. Ever since I was attacked in my office by an unidentified assailant. D'oh! Arr! Burns, your scurvy schemes will earn ye a one-way passage to the boneyard. I'd like to hear from Sideshow Mel.

Is that my good butter? Can't discuss that now, Marge. I have to write another delicious memo. Mmm. Memo.

I'm the president of the Gay and Lesbian Alliance for some reason.

Honey, I'm home. Hello, Homer. What's that ?

Homer! We were cleaning out a cooling duct at the plant... and found a box of old taco shells. Oh, why didn't you call me? Oh, we tried, but a recording said you were a bunch of deadbeats. Mmm.

Rotten. Stinky. Hate world. Revenge soon. Take out on everyone. Garbage water! Oh! You're pushin' me, baby! Hey! Wait! Stop! I have garbage!

The kids and I wanna show you all the great things you've done. Oh, all right. Maybe I can pinpoint where my life went wrong. Quiet, Dad, or we'll have to throw you out of here. The pictures! They're coming alive!

Ooh! Pointless nostalgia! I'd sure hate to be him. And to protect Mother Earth, each copy contains a certain percentage of recycled paper.

"And as they were nourished by Mother Earth, "so too did our fledgling nation find strength... "in the simple ideals of equality and justice. "Who would have thought such mighty oaks or such a powerful nation... could grow out of something so fragile, so pure?" Thank you. What do you think?

You've made receiving the Nobel Prize the happiest day of my life. Oh, the hug is good. This is what the Nobel Prize is all about. The science, and the love, and that physics we call quantum. Ain't that right, people? (ALL CHEERING) What a great crowd. You all have such big hearts...

This is it, honey. We did it. - Damn it! - Oh. Ring the bell! Why? You already know I'm here, don't you? just do it! Nothing doin', missy. Now do you want your half order of garlic bread or not? No. But if you'll just ring the--

Filled to the brim with girlish glee, three little girls from school Everything is a source of fun Eh, lousy speed bumps. Ooh! Whoa! Hey!

"Why, you little"- Why, you little- Why, you little- Why, you little-

Sugar-- Need sugar. Aye. They're not riding the white horse anymore. My baby. Where's my baby? Nothing left. Nothing left.

All right, Grampa! That was the first time I ever saw Itchy and Scratchy, and I didn't like it one bit! It was disgusting and violent! I think all you people are despicable! For shame!

Film reel labeled, "Alternate Ending: Luke's Father is Chewbacca"? Ooh! Ooh! I'll give you five dollars for the box.

When Aunt Selma lights up after MacGyver... she'll be blown to kingdom come. Come again? After trying four times to explain it to Homer, I explained it to Mom and we were on our way!

Dad, you ate the last can of tuna. Everyone's against me.

- Pepi! - Papa Homer! Son, your life is gonna get better... starting now. Ow.

l was going to tell you this privately... but because of your incredibly [ow test score... we're sending you back to third grade. What? I gotta be in the same class as her? What? I gotta be in the same class as him?

Hello, Bart. Sideshow Bob! Oh, come now. Weve been through so much together. Just call me Bob. All right, Bob. If you help us catch the guy trying to kill Homer...

If Grandpa says he's dead, he must be alive. He is alive. He's wagging his tail. Dogs wag their tails for hours after they die. I'm tired of this conversation. Let's talk about something else. I'm going home.

They all have hilarious names and are delicious. Well, I am partial to jolly Ranchers.

Not now, Lise. I'm trying to relax.

Thanks for picking my friends up from the strip club, Marge. Can we stop for ice cream? Homer always stops for ice cream. We'll see. That always means no. Mmm!

Take your wallet. Never! It was a gift from Newsweek!

Well, it sure is lucky... we stumbled upon this old, abandoned summer camp. Yeah. - Hey, how about a song? - Okay. Yeah.

We came here to talk about our problems. Fine! I want to marry Anne Boleyn. But I can't chop my wife's head off because her father is the King of Spain! Your Majesty, your feelings are valid, but I'm afraid marriage takes a lot of hard work. And who needs that? I say trade in that lemon and get busy! Woo-hoo!

At auction, I'd expect this to bring $20,000 to $30,000, except that on the handle somebody's carved "Homer rocks." And I do. Whoo!

You want anything else? Water? Chili fries? How about some white noise? Oh, Homer. You don't... have to-- Sleep tight, Neddie.

That rhymes, Marge, and you know it rhymes. Admit it!

I'm here with actor Rainier Wolfcastle... who surprisingly has filed for bankruptcy. Rainier, what went wrong?

No! Mainly your mother. Is that what we do in this family?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Great story, Lenny. But here's one that's even more spellbinding. Once upon a time, there was a man named Thomas Edison, and he invented the dictating machine and the fluoroscope... and the repeating telegraph. And he was a firm believer in Fletcherism...

Yeah. "Go to bread." B-E-D! Bed! Oh! "Bed"! Oh. Well, anything you say, Sis.

Why not? All right. We don't have any ideas for the future.

Oh, man. What a dork.

These are her eyes. Eww! And this is her hair. Eww! And these are her brains. Eww! Yo, Mom. We haven't got the eyeballs yet.

Homie, what's wrong? I'm used to seeing people promoted ahead of me-- friends, coworkers, Tibor. I never thought it'd be my own wife. Well, maybe you'd get promoted if you worked a little harder. Are you kidding? I work like a japanese beaver.

Quit whacking my barrel! Never! (LAUGHS) (GRUNTS) You leave me no choice! (WHIRRING) (SIGHS) I was supposed to shoot you, but I didn't!

It took years of effort. I've never been afraid of hard work. That's the spirit. Step one-- find an activity to share. Does the boy have any interests? What boy? Your son. Find something he likes and share in it. Well, he is building a soap box derby racer!

- Yeah, great. - What's the matter? Don't you see, Milhouse? We've gone too far. We need Skinner back. My water dish is empty! I learned to read because of you, Principal Skinner.

You got it. No deer for a month. Did you say "beer" or "deer"? Deer. Please, Homie. I know you can do this.

No gimmicks. No pills. No fad diets. just family bliss, or double your money back. So call today. Dr. Marvin Monroe's Family Therapy Center. Why don't you call right now ?

If you've committed a crime and you want to confess, click "yes." Otherwise click "No." You have chosen "No," meaning you've committed a crime but don't want to confess. A paddy wagon is now speeding to your home. Hey! While you wait, why not buy a police cap or t-shirt? You have the right to remain fabulous.

Hello, children. I bring you love. It's a monster! Kill it! Kill it! It's not a monster. It's Mr. Burns.

But I can rebuild! Ow. Ow. Stupid trash. Rotten. Stinky. Hate world. Revenge soon. Take out on everyone. Garbage water! Oh! You're pushin' me, baby!

I can't eat solid foods? Stop it, Homer. Oh, don't worry. On a man his size, that just provides sexual release.

I mean, I don't want to sound pretentious here, but Itchy and Scratchy comprise a dramaturgical dyad. Hey, this ain't art! It's business! What do ya got in mind? Sexy broad? Gangster octopus? No. No. The animal chain of command goes... mouse, cat, dog. D-O-G.

The Boy Scouts of America have molded men... for over 100 years, and-- - What are you-- - Oh! Uh, how's your wife Nancy? - Betty. - Who cares? Oh, Marge? I just had a couple of beers. Eww.

mangoes and chewy, chewy cocoa beans? All we found were these oozing berries. And they look pretty poisonous. I "eated" the purple berries. Ow.

Hello, everyone. Before last year's Halloween show, I warned you not to let your children watch, but you did anyway.

I can't believe someone would kidnap my Larry. I won't rest until he's returned to me. Not to be impertinent, sir, but didn't you want Larry out of your life as recently as two hours ago? It's the principle, Smithers. Nobody steals from Montgomery Burns, whether it be my Sunday newspaper or my loutish oaf of a son.

I guess I am putting up the Halloween decorations a little early. Criticism accepted. Marge! Get him! Bust him, Mom! Go back to bed! Don't make me come up there.

What ? Bring the television up. Bart's got his vision back. Doh ! I wish I had amoria phlebitis.

Tonight, on MacGyver... MacGyver... MacGyver... MacGyver... Aunt Selma has one hour to live. Hey, down in front.

Oh. Who am I kidding?

Do I have cooties? No! Aw, this home testing kit saved me a fortune. You'll never guess what I heard in the supermarket today. I found out we're the laughingstock of the town. Oh. Well, that's bad news for Dingbat Charlie. He's gonna be crushed.

Veronica, how could you?

Remember the Batusi? Nice meetin' ya. Just keep moving. Don't make eye contact. Ooh. Wow! just think what I could do with that plow.

Whoo-hoo! Good things do happen to bad people! Honey, the king of Mardi Gras has to ride around on a float all day.

Huh? Ahh! Yeah! That's one fine-looking barbecue pit. Why doesn't mine look like that? Why? Da-- Why? Why must life be so hard?

And Hollywood! Look! It's Amos from radio's Amos and Andy. Hello, everybody! Springfield: City on the grow! It's a proud day as Springfield is declared... one of America's 400 fastest growing cities! And why not? Business is booming!

Uh, Miss Simpson, I killed my pencil. "Broke." You broke your pencil. I broke him. That's right. And what else have we learned?

Gee, Homer, your new wife is great.

Aw, man. Red hair? What's she trying to pull? Those shoes look Canadian. She'll never fit in.

Sheltering myself with a large piece of sheet metal I ran for cover under the tallest tree I could find.

Oh, that place must be falling apart. Oh, mercy. Nobody's mentioned me, have they? Uh, I thought I heard someone say your name in the cafeteria, but they might have been saying "skim milk." Yeah, yeah.

- Unbelievable. - What? Nothing, nothing. Good hustle. My God-- The lemonade. Look at the lemonade. Uh-oh.

What the-- Great Scott! Don't touch that. That's the alpenhorn Helmut Kohl gave me. - Where'd you get those pajamas? - They're presidential pajamas. You have to be president, and you're not president. Yes, I am. D-- No, you're not. Bar!

Like you chew on a telephone wire till you get a shock. Oh. Oh, right. Okay. Yeah, but aren't those experiments dangerous? Ah, you get a few side effects. Are those ears? Ow! Not so loud!

Oh, wait. Now I can do it for real.

New job? Marge is pregnant?

Don't worry about those losers, Marge.

Oh, Homer. It's getting late. We'll miss the fireworks. Marge, we've got all the fireworks we need right here. Well, kids, I promised you a little treat in lieu of dinner,

Crisis has been averted. Everything is super. Thank you, Homer, for saving my plant with that idiotic rhyming! Do you even know what button you pushed?! Sure-- moe. Eeny, meeny, miney, moe. Is Homer a hero?

What you doin', Marge? Making out the jury list for the film festival. Mayor Quimby, Krusty, jay. Marge, do you respect my intelligence? - Yes. - Okay. Wait a minute. Why did it take you so long to say yes?

Kno-ock Simpsons, I'd like you to meet our ambassador, the Honorable Avril Ward. Hello. Now, everything is all set for Bart's apology. Mr. Conover will meet you at the Parliament House at 3:00 p.m. Any questions? - Yeah. Do the toilets go backwards in here? - No. To combat homesickness, we've installed a device that makes them swirl...

Marge, it's 3:00 a.m. Shouldn't you be baking? In a little while. Mom, can we talk to you? Can't talk. Keeping myself in a state of catlike readiness.

and of course, Freon so cold it burns me. I'll have the darkety kind. Uh, one chocolate, Mootilda. Can I have a swirl of chocolate and vanilla? Huh? Uh-uh! Oh, nonsense. You can do it.

Cornelius Talmadge. Oh, no, I'm not-- Well, let's see what you got here. The pink ones keep ya from screamin'. All right, folks. It's suppertime. Supper at 4:00? Whoo-hoo! What a sweet deal. Hey. They got chairs with wheels.

and the diplomatic climate turned absolutely frosty. Oops. Let's pretend we didn't see that. And Bart's childish taunting agitated the Aussies further. Oh, he'll agitate ya. Ho-ho! He sure will!

Now I can't get it out of my head! Thank you, Nelson.

Do whatever it takes-- Sweet talk, insults, slang from the '30s that no one uses anymore. Like "rubes"? Now you're on the trolley. Well, we gotta get. Here's the money box. Any questions?

Well, you know, lots of people shoot Apu.

Occasionally, you might hear a faint roar. See? It all works out.

Good one, Dad. Okay, kids, prepare to be dazzled. Marge, turn on the juice ! What do you think, kids ? Nice try, Dad.

The kid's gotta die. But I love my son. More than a lush head of hair? Don't make me choose!

I fooled you ! So long, suckers ! Yeah. General Sherman. They say he's 500 pounds of bottom-dwelling fury, don't you know. No one knows how old he is, but if you ask me, and most people do, he's a hundred years if he's a day. And no one's ever caught him ? Well, one fella came close. Went by the name of Homer.

Hey-- Wait a minute.

We knew it contained spider eggs, but the hantavirus-- well, that really came out of left field.

Hey, hey, Dad! Hey, hey! Now look, Sophie, I know you think your daddy's perfect. No, I don't. But I did a bad thing. I lost your violin in a poker game. You what? But don't worry! I got you an even better one!

"Glub, glub, glub." "Oh, Noah, Noah, save us, save us!" "No!" This looks good, Bart. Take it to him. You I told to go away.

Why are you here? To tell you not to give up. Oh, but I wanna. He's talking to himself, sir.

Whoa! This material stinks! I'm gonna have to punch it up on the fly. Oh, I got one! How do you make a King Lear? Put the queen in a bikini! Here's another one. "Knock knock." "Who's there?" "juliet." "juliet who?" Juliet so much pasta fazool, Romeo doesn't want her anymore!

But the only ones who'd understand it would be you and me,

Dad, you were supposed to pay for those snacks. - I saw Krabappel's butt. - I paid. Whoopsie. Mm, this could take a minute.

Duffman wants to party down with the man who sent in... 10,000 Duff labels to bring me here today. I've got a bottomless mug of new Duff Extra Cold... for Barney Gumble!

Show Wow! They'll never let us show that again, not in a million years! Dad, start digging some nerd holes.

Ball sack'n! (GROANS) Oh, Father. You're dying again.

Oh, such responsibility for such a little girl. What's your favorite subject ? Arithmetic. Arithmetic. Now, before you know it, you will be back among your polygons, your hypotenuse... and your Euclidean algorithms. Now, you get rest and have yourself a "wollipop."

It's not our fault our generation has short attention spans. We watch an appalling amount of TV.

It preserves the things you love. "Starland Vocal Band"? They suck! Death!

Marge, dear, would it be all right if I went over to Moe's for a drink ? Sure. I don't know if I'll ever come back here. Good night. Mmm. My women's intuition is telling me something. I wonder what-- Oh, my God.

J Weird A/ sayingJ J Oh, yeah, the credits go on J J Long after the viewer's J J interest is gone J J Oh, yeah, Weird A/ had fan on this showJ J Even if it was just a brief cameo JJ

It's Bart's moon party from outer space... What? Bart, why don't you spend the money on something for Mom? She does so much for us.

No more fooling around. Paw, this is Bart. I wish for Simpsons to be rich and famous. Now you're talking. Yay! Yay!

Turn that down! You call that music? I-- I just don't know what to do. He used to be such an angel.

Ho ho ho. Ho ho ho.

Hey! We got Skinner's underpants! And there's nothing you can do about it, Mr. Ex-principal. That's not true. I can buy a new pair. No, I can't. I needed those. I really did.

I haven't been able to find a job in six years. Huh. And what training do you have? Five years of modern dance. Six years of tap. The economic slump began last spring, when the government closed Fort Springfield, devastating the city's liquor and prostitution industries. Now, at the risk of being unpopular,

Lessons by mail, worthwhile. (SOBBING) My baby boy is in jail. I'm the worst mom in the world. It's not all your fault. All these years, I watched you turn our son into a time bomb,

I'm gonna play, and you're gonna float there and like it. When you're down and troubled And you need a helping hand and nothing

Hey, sister, just give me a chance to get next to you.

I've learned my lesson. I've learned my lesson.

You're a tough cookie, Maggie, but I'm gonna win you over, just like I did with Lisa. Hi, honey! Okay, Dads. This is where your child's trust in you really pays off. D'oh! Come on! Come on!

We can't go back home? Where are we gonna live? Ooh! How 'bout that house?

No, I don't think we'll be telling them that. We need a fresh angle to get the public interested.

Oh, nothing's ever gonna stop me. Uhh! Oh, no! There goes the glue after all.

And look at these toy soldiers! They'll break the second I step on 'em. Stupid... toy... soldiers! Break, you stupid-- All right. Come on, pops. - Soldiers won't bother you anymore. - Oh! Hmm?

This bus has seen better days. Well, at least it's safer than the old bus. Uh-oh. Time to move. The hole's getting bigger.

Stu, we like to downplay the resemblance to tic-tac-toe. I can dig it. Hit me with the center square. Uh, Homer? Yes, Kent? According to Redbook magazine, what is the speed of light? Well, that-- Uh, well, wait. Uh, do I read from the sheet labeled "jokes" or "answers"? Oh, for the Lo-- Stop tape!

And next in our fall catalog-- we love this-- it is a vision in raspberry cream. Ohh! Pure genius.

Son, I represent a group of oil tycoons who make foolish purchases. We already bought us a stained glass bathrobe... and the world's fattest racehorse. Now we need your Ice Man. Oh, no. I could never sell him.

Huh! What's he gonna do? I'll kill ya! All right. Back on the stretcher. And I'll be able to tackle all the hard-hitting children's news... the grown-up-controlled media won't touch. Plus I get to be on TV. Oh, honey. I'm so proud of you.

One Mississippi. Two Mississippi. Dude, you're touching my hand.

Now, you just put your head right here. Aaaaah! Ha-ha! Ha-ha! Hercules! The Cyclops tore off my clothes.

contact Goldman Sachs... the Skewed financial planners. Up next on the half-pipe, boarding legend Tony Hawk! A! f Rock]

just squeeze your rage into a bitter little ball... and release it at an appropriate time. Like that day I hit the referee with a whiskey bottle. - Remember that? - Yeah. - When Daddy hit the referee? Yeah. - Yeah.

Whoa. Beautiful, huh? Homer and I used to come up here on dates. Homer, stop that. It's just a weather station. Come on, Marge. It's fun to smash things.

We all went our separate ways.

Tom Cruise or Mel Gibson? What is the point of all this? Your Honor, I feel so confident of Marge Simpson's guilt, that I can waste the court's time by rating the super hunks. Wow, that's confidence. Ooh, he's gonna win.

I'd love to go to your house.

Hello, everybody! Sparkle, sparkle. Bart! An earring. How rebellious. In a conformist sort of way. What on earth possessed you to get an earring? Milhouse has one. If Milhouse jumped off a cliff--

What's the matter with you, kid? You told me the stream was shallow! Why, you-- I-- Oh, you. Oh, kid. I'll get even with you. Hordes of panicky people seem to be evacuating the town...

don't bother coming in Monday. Whoo-hoo! Four-day weekend! Hey! I am above average. So what if Alison's ahead of me. There's no shame in being second. And now, Avis Rent-a-Car...

That is it, Ned. If you don't unplug that phone right now, you're sleeping on the lawn. Will you two shut up? People are trying to sleep!

Hey, this place is amazing! It's fit for a Duke, or even an Earl... Oh! (BLOWS SHRILL BLAST) Uh-oh. The Queen's in trouble! And you didn't want to give her a whistle! (SCREAMS)

Damn it! Uh! Poor Mom and Dad. Do you think it's fair that you're always getting into trouble, yet Mom and Dad are being punished? No, it's terrible. Well, why don't you do something about it? After wrestling.

Flandereses! (CRYING OUT IN PAIN) (SOBBING) I was saving sugar for my wedding night!

Whoo-hoo! Yippee! Hey, how would you kids like a tour of the studio? Yea! Yea! Abe, you comin'? Any stairs?

All right, guys, one, two, three.

The forecast calls for a 75% chance of hilarity. I like those odds.

I wish they had never invented fried cheese.

Paid for by the Mayor Quimby for Mayor Mayoral Committee. Hey, four-eyes, vote Quimby. Hey, beard-o, vote Quimby. This time he's the lesser of two evils. Uh, yeah, yeah. I love "Grimby." Uh, could I have some more bumper stickers, please, dude?

Yeah. The teachers are afraid to leave the faculty lounge.

Only one week left to sign up for the bestest summer ever at Kamp Krusty! Whoa! Hey! Kamp Krusty is built on an actual Indian burial ground. We've got archery, wallet-making-- the whole megillah.

Maids, a pool, fancy sweaters. Stop me if I'm wrong. Marge, dear, would it be all right if I went over to Moe's for a drink ? Sure. I don't know if I'll ever come back here. Good night. Mmm. My women's intuition is telling me something. I wonder what-- Oh, my God.

My glasses! Please, kids, play sanitary.

What? Only teasing. We've flown in the finest busboys from France. I-I mean, America. Vite. Vite. And now, to all my dear friends I say, "Get the hell out of my yard."

with your new principal, Ned Flanders.

Okay, fair enough. But you sound like you're ready to become your own boss... in the exciting world of frame nudging.

I was the one that canceled Star Trek!

Oh, yeah? Well, we'll just see about that, little Miss Smart Guy.

Yes. Sweet cakes for all.

I agree with my fellow Cornell alumnus. Huzzah for Marge. ALL: Huzzah. And how about a huzzah for my husband who paid for our new kitchen? Never. Marge, you know, I thought I was Springfield's wing-ding king. But you make my chicken look like cock-a-diddily doo doo.

I did it. I made it all the way to-- Aw, crap!

Not even Moe's annual suicide attempt can ruin it. I ain't got all day, Drama Queen. Get it over with. I will! And then you'll all wish you was nicer to me! Who am I kidding? I ain't gonna jump.

Oh. Thank God it's the right place. I burst into four homes before this one. Now listen. All the drugs we want are right across the border. I have a friend who will help us. The border, eh? Then I'd better sand off my fingerprints. Ow! I could just wear gloves.

Ow! Watch it, coney!

No! No! No! Oh! - Oh, for the love of-- - Boy.

"I set my rainbow in the cloud. "And it shall be a sign of the covenant between God and man." Thank you. (SPLASHING) (CROWD BOOING)

Yes, of course you don't. I will just leave this money on the table... with my unseeing back to the money on the table.

Hello, Marge. This Saturday ? We're going to Stanley Peterson's wedding. Although the way he's going at her, you'd think they were already married. Hey, alley cats, save it for the honeymoon.

Brilliant. We lost $60 million, and they're cheering for more. Mr. Burns! You're alive! Yes. I regained consciousness during my big dance number. Those strings pulling me every which way jostled my heart from its slumber. And you wanted to take him to the hospital.

"Slow." They called you "slow"!

Maybe not today. Maybe not tomorrow. But someday. Later that day, we set sail for America.

Can you think of a better way for Daddy to spend his hard-won 50 bucks ? Now I've seen everything. Black marbleized with a liquid center. "The Stealth Bowler: The pins don't know what hit them." Dad, can I talk to you about something ? Sure, boy. What's on your mind ?

I can guarantee one thing about your future. I won't be in it. Not going to Yale isn't the end of the world. Yeah, I'm starting to see that. No, I mean, you're screwed. Your only hope is to clutch at straws! Straws who've always loved you.

And even if he was, we're not gonna stumble on his secret hiding place. You're probably right. Let's just go back. Satisfied? Big deal. It's no different from the basement in Grampa's rest home.

I heard you. Yes, because someone saved your life tonight. Cut it out! Well, well, the bitch is back. Oh! Oh, geez! Darn it! Why won't you die?

Stand back and watch the pro. Shouldn't you put on a batting helmet? Nah. They mess up my hair. Ooh! Ball one. Ball two! This bozo's gonna walk me.

Come on! I stayed up all night dyeing my underwear.

Oh, no. Pinch! Happy St. Patrick's Day, loser! Ow! Quit it! It's the wearin' of the green, Bart! Pinch, pinch, pinch! No one's pinching his legs. Pinch, pinch, pinch, pinch! Oh! Oh!

I spy with my little eye... something beginning with "D." Dingus!

I love it, Homer! You've turned this town into a work of art! I just wish jasper johns hadn't stolen my boat. Aah! So long, suckers!

My teacher's a nightmare. Three kids got sick from inhaling his ointment fumes, he confiscated everything made of tin, and then he sent us home early because he got his beard... caught in the pencil sharpener. Mmm? Oh, um. Oh, okay, uh-- Mmm-- - Um, here. - Mmm.

The cheese isn't quite melted. Let me just pop it back in the-- Here you go. Hmm. Slivered almonds for the green beans. I'll be right back.

Must kill family.

We only talk like this on your surface world.

Yes, sir. I will notice that. Very casual, Mr. Scorpion.

The monsteR mash and do my graveyard smaSh then you can mash Doin' "the monster mash" with ya...

Beans, oh, beans, delicious in your mouth

Ball is in parking lot. Would you like to play again? You have selected "no."

What do you think this is, a tanning salon? I asked for light starch on my nightcap! You call this Postum? You call this a tax return? You call this a supercomputer? D'egh! G'yah! D'oh!

Maybe I should apply for that job. Forget it, Marge. We already live together. We shouldn't work together. As the Bible says, "Thou shalt not horn in on thy husband's... racket." Where does the Bible say "racket"? It's in there. Look, Marge, we just don't need the money that bad.

Good-bye, Maggie. Stay as sweet as you are. Good-bye, Lisa. I know you'll make me proud.

Hang in there, baby. You said it, kitty.

You just lost a customer! We'll talk tomorrow. You just lost yourself a customer! Yeah, you can use it.

You rule intensive care!

Thank you. Vote for me for best in show. You guys are on after Al Franken. So the guards would have used up most of their bullets. Make your break at the end of your act. Now, people have accused this family of not loving our country,

To be taken for granted by a drunken lout? Pretty much. We wrote our own vows. Enough talk! I need to see how you look up there! (GASPING) I think my mother had one of those. Ahh! I'm finished! And it's so suggestive.

This is the last thing she needs. But I think she'll win. Dad, have you seen the girls they have in those contests?

We'll be right back. I miss joe Piscopo.

Hmm. Who or what is Santos L. Halper? Wow! My own credit card! Thanks, Santos! A quarter? You're just the dog that keeps on giving, aren't ya?

Excellent guitar riff.

I'm here about the nanny job. I'll keep a watchful eye on your kids, and if they get out of line-- Pow! I like him. Thanks. Hey, where do you keep the liquor? I hide a bottle of schnapps in the baby's crib. I'm sorry, young man. You're not what we're looking for. You're telling me, you blue-haired witch. I heard that!

Eat lead, Einstein. - Oy! - Show's over, Shakespeare! Is this the end of zombie Shakespeare? Hurry, Bart! "Kolchak. Mannix. Banacek.

And you pilfered the poor box. And, Doctor, we know that you and the bootblack... have been rogering the fishwife in the crumpet shop. Lies! How dare you! Get them! Quickly! We can't have that.

Three cheers for Brainy ! Hip hip hooray ! Yay ! Unadulterated pap. It's almost 9:00. Where's Homer anyway ? It's so typical of the big doofus to spoil it all. What, Aunt Patty ? Oh, nothing, dear. I'm just trashing your father.

Then let's hurry up and rip it out of my head. Skinner! Your bus driver just totaled my Camry! Can I offer you the use of my Merkur? Filled with your Burger King cups and wrappers? No, thank you.

I don't understand, Professor. Why didn't your tests show the skeleton was a fake? I'm gonna be honest with you, Lisa. I never did the tests.

En francais. Vous étes i 'entant Stink Breath! How could you make me Baby Stink Breath and not even tell me? l was going to tell you on my deathbed. Honey, you did have a great time doing those commercials... and you made a lot of money.

Gross! Thanks for dinner. Ow! No! At least, could I have my dollar-- I'll love you for the rest of my life.

Why, you little..!

I'll stop them! Oh, no! It's coming back this way! That throwing-stick stunt of yours has boomeranged on us!

Now what am I gonna get Lisa? Sir, I can offer you this Tickle Me Krusty... the most popular toy of 1999. I'm anatomically correct. Go ahead. Take a peek. I wonder what Mommy's medicine tastes like. Lisa's not gonna want that. Oh, what can I get her?

So, a graduate student, huh? How come you guys can go to the moon, but you can't make my shoes smell good? I'm sorry? Ah, nobody's blaming ya.

Bart, wait. Yeah? Uh... could we still use your tree house? What? Get bent. If her father catches us, he'll kill her. All right, Milhouse. You can use my tree house. Thanks, Bart.

f Male Announcer] You 're watching Monkey (Olympics on Fox. It worked! I got my wish! From now on, I'll pray till my hands are chapped and bleeding! [Man On PA j52, 52, 52... 5 f, 53. f Male Commentator] Ooh, ioW marks.

Look, guys. I got a Springfield spoon for my spoon collection.

But since we're both free, why don't you and me hit the town? A pity date from a 10-year-old? I'll take it.

Are you gonna call the police? Oh, forget it! They couldn't catch a cold with a-- a cold-catching thing. See, when you don't use Milhouse, it's hard.

Help us, Homer. Yeah, help us, you fat yutz.

Oh, sure. Like lawyers work in big skyscrapers and have secretaries. Look at him. He's wearing a belt. That's Hollywood for you.

Sir, have you no shame? Clearly, I don't. Now get your heinie off of Lisa Land! A redwood is not a promotional tool. Good Lord! He's cutting the guy-wires!

Aaaaahh! I'm telling mom and dad.

What are you, a comedian?

You've really done it this time, Bart!

Even when it was the bears, I knew it was them. Oh! Won't somebody please think of the children?

from the author of Happiness is a Naked Steve Allen, journey to the Center of Steve Allen, and The joy of Cooking Steve Allen. I cut my first and only album, Sax on the Beach.

The Soviet Union will be pleased to offer amnesty to your wayward "wessel." The Soviet Union? I thought you guys broke up. Yes! That's what we wanted you to think!

Check it out. The principal's got a shirt wiener. Hmm? (SHUTTERS CLICKING)

turning your father into jack-in-the-box. Homer, I see you agree with my theory. I'm not nodding. It's the air conditioning. That's too bad. The attention the boy craves should be coming from you. Spend some quality time with him. Get to know him. Maybe even love him.

So, I gave him to the church. Oh, I see. You hate him, so you gave him to the church. Aye. I also 'ate the mess he left on me rug. Ya heard me!

Yes, Krusty? Bart, I need to get your fingerprints on a candlestick. Meet me in the conservatory chop-chop. - Don't worry. Everything's gonna be all right. - Oh!

Look! The destroyer! He returns! Help!

Must've been a pretty slow century. The store detective! Hey, Ansel Adams, let's go! Take the photo! Oh, wait, wait! I don't want Maggie's face hidden behind that pacifier. Don't worry, Mama. I can put a smile on baby's face.

We're still not close. Boy, this is gonna be an all-night brain-buster. Well, better drink some coffee. We're out of coffee. Well, I'll just drink this warm cream.

on location at fabulous Mt. Splashmore. And I just wanna say the people here have been super to me and Sideshow Mel. The food, the grog-- Oh, they threw us a brunch yesterday... with fresh fruit and the most delicious melon-- Ooh, we ate till we "plotzed." And of course, the thing I'm gonna miss most...

- Hola. - Fernando, it's M.B. Ah, Marion Barry. Is it time for another shipment already? Oi! This is Montgomery Burns! Oh, caramba. I'm sending you a photo over the Faxtrola. I need you to fly to Springfield and assassinate this man posthaste.

Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife? I do. One groom-- Two grooms? But he-- But you can't-- Oh, my medication! Radical! Is that your final answer?

I want to drive again! You? No way! It's too dangerous. Well, you're no angel behind the wheel. What about your D.U.I.? That was a D.W.I. Give Grampa a chance. Statistics show that old people drive... at least as well as sleep-deprived apes. Please, Son.

Because it's time for Bill and Marty's 5:00 news "flush." Oh, yeah Our topless story-- President Clinton has launched a new Web site. Uh-oh. Wait. Let me guess. WWW dot-- dot--

Why is that man in pink?! That's Homer Simpson-- a boob from Sector 7-G. judging by his outlandish attire he's some sort of freethinking anarchist. I'll call security, sir. Excellent.

Your tomato soup is getting a skin on top. Fine. She doesn't get her skin. Lisa insulted us, Mom. She thinks she is so great. I'll dance on her grave. Bart! What? Oh, napkin. Right.

Remember to rebel against authority, kids! Don't listen to him, children. W-We already did. Now I can't get it out of my head! Thank you, Nelson.

Look, you can see our houses. There's an awful lot of black smoke coming from my chimney. Mr. Hutz, why are you burning all your personal papers?

Finally, science has joined forces with revenge. Now listen. The bull grizzly is seven feet tall, weighs more than a Mazda Miata and can tear through a tree like a Jewish mother through self-esteem. Next time you face him, you better have some way to protect yourself.

This is Tony Plow. You know, from Leave It to Beaver. Yeah. They were gay. Oh, what am I gonna do? I think you should do a new ad,

Yeah. Next you'll be laying a guilt-trip on me for not oiling that Ferris wheel.

Oh, here we go. What do you say we slip out to Moe's for a pint? Can I come? - No. - Wankers. Now, Homer, I hear Ray Patterson is a fine public servant.

Marge, mail's here. Bills, bills.

Mom, am I dumb? Honey, I'd love to reassure you, but right now Mommy needs a tetanus shot.

Well, you've won this round, Simpson,

Huh ? "Love thy neighbor." Oh. Oh. Matthew 19:19. Yeah, right, right. Well, you know, Ned, the Good Book says a gentle answer turneth away wrath. A gentle answer. That is a jim-dandy idea. Bless you, Reverend.

Hey, Simpson, I heard your dad's afraid of a little, old, giant grizzly bear. The only thing my dad's afraid of is paying child support.

I'm sorry, Mr. Blackbeard. We're low on chairs, and this is the last one. Arr! This chair be high, says I.

Or-- Cooder residence. I got a proposition for you, Cooder.

What are you doing? Oh. I gotcha. One, two, three, four, I declare a thumb war.

It's gonna kill you! Ehh, I've had a good run. Don't, uh--

After all, negotiations make strange bedfellows.

Thursday. Meat loaf night.

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

Thank you very much.

I can't imagine what we could have done to-- Oh. Oh, no! Hey, Peg, you gotta take better care of the house. These plants are all lifeless and limp. Maybe they'd feel more at home in the bedroom, Al.

Whoa, this is so dangerous. Yeah, you're right. D'oh! Why, you--

A-ha ! Got him ! Okay, okay. This time I'll just go into the bushes over there, make a lot of noise and flush out a rabbit. And when he comes out, you step on him. Right, Dad.

The Simpsons (SCHOOL BELL RINGING)

Aah! Thank God his pants stayed on. Ohh! Homer mad! Homer smash! Get revenge on world! Look! It's the Incredible Hulk!

No one who speaks German can be an evil man. Parole granted.

Nothing. I'm just a little edgy since your mother told me she wants to be a cop. Cool. Will you bring me along when you do evictions? You got it, little buddy. Marge, you being a cop makes you the man, which makes me the woman, and I have no interest in that-- besides occasionally wearing the underwear, which, as we discussed, is strictly a comfort thing.

Well, Bart, what do you think of little Lisa? I hate you.

No, no, no. Don't you know what it means? Not... really. It all happened shortly after my eighth birthday. Okay, here we go. Ten goats and an electric fan? You call that a dowry?

I hope this typeface catches people's eye.

It smells funny in there. No, it doesn't.

Son of a diddly!

MAd Magazine? Oh!

Daddy, are you going to jail? We'll see, Son. We'll see. Evenin', little lady. You reckon a square could get a dance? Uh, it looks so complicated. Do you know how?

Huh? Whuzzat? Oh, Homer! Thank goodness you're safe. Marge? I woke up, and you weren't there, and I was so worried.

Help! Police! "To protect and sever"?

I'm just going out for some fresh air. Geez. That guys sure likes his fresh air. None of that for me. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

then move it up to 100 on the skirt blow! - Sorry, Krusty, I choked. - You choked? You choked? Bart! Bart! Krusty just fired his associate producer. - I'm reading. - No way. "The Seven Habits of Highly Effective Pre-Teens"? Is this all because of the--

Thank you, Knickknack and Paddywhack, the Siamese midgets. We'll be sure to catch your new series on Fox. Good luck, Mr. Burns. And if you get in trouble, I wrote some jokes about how white people are different from black people. Hmm. How you doin', Mr. Burns? Jerry Rude. Welcome to the show. I am pleased to--

Look, Daddy. I'm the king of the mountain!

Mom, can we get a pretzel? We've got pretzels at home. Not cinnamon.

and whoever does will have a place in my heart. Mm-hmm. Sheesh. Look at these refugees. How about a smile? They've undergone terrible hardships. Well, moping won't make it better. Mom, Dad, there's something I have to do.

Simpson, you're not a licensed chiropractor. And you're stealing patients from me and Dr. Steffi. Boy, talk about irony. The A.M.A. tries to drive you guys out of business. Now you're doing the same to me!

The granddaddy of them all. Oh, well, maybe just one more hour. It's so unfair. just because he's different. Well, time to hit the books. Burning the candle at both ends, eh, boy ? Go get 'em.

No. No, not Paris. I'm never gonna go to Paris.

I don't want to be in any stupid talent show. Not without my Tennessee walking horses. Well, you got no choice. It's the only way you'll achieve your goal. Goal! Sweet, sweet goal! Ninety-seven, 98, 99, 100!

If only we had the exact date. (TAPE REWINDING) Bingo! Thank you, Mr. Alcatraaaz. Ain't nothin'. Uh-uh-uh. It is nothing. It's idiomatic, biatch. (GRUNTS) All right, (GUN COCKING) hand over the tape and nobody gets hurt.

A whole canoe made of baloney? (LAUGHING) Bart, stop fooling with the remote! Lisa made me with a witch's spell! It's called Wicca, and it's empowering! Wicca's a Hollywood fad!

snowplow people. Come on. Give me the key. These look like teeth marks. I thought there was chocolate inside. Well, why was it wrapped in foil? It was never wrapped in foil.

You're out kind of early. La-la-la, la-la

Invincible! You're-- Ow! Oh! Hey, somebody sign an autograph. Please, somebody. Sign an autograph? Hey, would you sign-- You fat, stupid jerks! Hmm? It was him!

I'll mace you good!

I can relate. I'm a father myself.

We're gonna groove tonight We'll make you feel all right Simpsons Christmas boogie We're dancing to the beat We'll make you move your feet Simpsons Christmas boogie

Can we see the elephant? We'll pay you money. For the ninth time, no!

Holy Christmas! Your dog's condition has been upgraded from stable to frisky, and he's free to go.

This year's tree is just perfect. That old aluminium one was so fake. I couldn't agree more. From now on, it's plastic all the way. Bart, did you hear that? Could it be?

You'd better go up and apologize. But my apologies always sound so forced. DO it! Hey, Lise, I'm sorry I ruined your Egyptian thing.

Did I hear my name? My ears are burning. Good start. Now finish the job. Oh, you're busy. Catch you later, "computator." Oh, $5,000 for a computer, and it can't handle a simple assignment. Dad, I'll set up your computer. Why don't you and Bart go play in the backyard?

How about something cool, like "Camptown Races"?

Lisa, I'm afraid your tummy ache may be caused by stress.

Sorry, kids. The trip to Albany is off, and there's to be no more recycling. But we didn't do that badly. We collected enough paper to save one whole tree. Oh, Mommy, help. Hmm.

Aw, she's takin' a nap. Yeah, probably dreaming about the time she shot Mr. Burns. She's just like Clark Kent. When there's lots of excitement, she's nowhere to be found. Nighty-night, sweetie.

And at the end you repeat the words "Screw Flanders"... over and over again. Oh, it's so hard to get to 500 words. Oh, look, Homer, I'm sorry-- No, no! You're right! It's a joke!

We're not so different. Gimme a hug! Jeez, I don't know why bear hugs enjoy such a great reputation. I guess that's so, we don't have a lot

Of course you did. But there's the truth, and the truth! Let me show you.

That's some nice flutin', boy. They will be playing "The Stars and Stripes Forever,"

Sandwich. Hmm, underpants. Hmm? Bowling ball. More underpants.

Woo-hoo ! Whoo ! The "H" stands for Herbert ! Herb, were you adopted ? Yeah. - From the Shelbyville Orphanage ? - How did you know that ? Because... I'm your baby brother Homer !

Lisa, did anyone force you to come here today? You. Hmm. Well, no one's forcing you to stay. Okay, I'm leaving. Hup. You're not going anywhere, missy. But it's me, Moe, wearing a sailor suit. Moe with a lolly. It's so out of character. Ain't that worth nothin'?

Now, Bart, just look out the window. It'll take your mind off the pain. And when you're done, I've got more lollies. No, thanks. I already helped myself. See you later, inoculator.

Well, nothing's perfect. I sure hate to make you come out here and not buy a house. Now, slow down, Neddie. The home buyer's course... said always look inside the house before buying. Well, there it is. Please don't tell anyone how I live.

Lisa, breakfast. I know you're mad at me. But I hope you're not mad at Cap'n Crunch... (GASPING) (CHOKING) (GRUNTING) Homer, we've gotta get Lisa! All right. While I'm gone, boy, you think about what you did.

Ooh, that's nice. You’re actually quite gentle when you want to be.

It's Mom! Hey, how you been? Remember me?

Homer, why are you laughing?

Those fingers through my hair that sly come-hither stare that strips my conscience bare it's witchcraft Give me three fingers of milk, Ma.

There's nothin' wrong with a little "Hey, hey!" Hee, hee, hee, hee! Fun's over, boys!

Come back! Those are prescription pants!

We're here! Wow! I feel like such a nobody. It's wall-to-wall landmarks. The Williamsburg Bridge. Fourth Avenue. - Governors Island. - Look!

No, I am not. Oh, cut, cut, cut, cut. just stick to the script as written, Homer. You're supposed to say, "Please cut off my head. I don't deserve to live." Never!

there is something worse and it really does blow when A long-running series does A cheesy clip show

Who screens these calls? Who's in charge here? They leave a building without people watching it?

Waterloo knowing my fate is to be with you Freeze! F.B.I. The jig is up. All right, I admit it. I am the Lindbergh baby. Waah! Waah! Goo, goo. I miss my fly-fly dada.

Yaah! With the departure of Mr. Marley, there will now be an entry-level position open in Sector 7g. Now, get out. The bar is closed. Maybe I should apply for that job. Forget it, Marge. We already live together. We shouldn't work together. As the Bible says,

Give me your hands, boss. I'll kill you! I killed them other people. I'm gonna kill you too! You want some corn bread, Mr. Jingles? Well, you can forget it. Because I'm gonna kill you!

Did you know he likes to eat out of the Flanders' garbage? Oh, Homer. I have a problem. Tune in tomorrow and every day until the curfew is lifted... because we'll be revealing embarrassing secrets about Springfield's other adults.

Yeah, Homer, um, most movie scripts are 120 pages. This is only 17, and several of the pages are just drawings of the time machine. So you're saying you don't want to star in my movie? I'm sorry, Homer.

Huh? Well, I just think we should be building a nest egg. Way ahead of you, Marge. I just ordered a series of tapes on saving money. They should get here soon. I paid a bundle for overnight delivery. I have a book from the library with the same information. Okay, I'll just hire a haulage firm to cart them away at my expense!

What the..? Fools!

Now look what you've done. I'm sorry. I don't know what came over me. Let's forget this whole thing happened. What the heck is this? A tea party? Somebody kill somebody!

the man who took an abandoned mule tannery and turned it into a summer wonderland, Mr. Krusty the Clown. See? I told you Krusty would come. just like I said. He's gonna bring us food and water, and smite our enemies! Now, I must tell you kids, Krusty has laryngitis and a bad back,

Oh, Krusty! Wait. Where's my water? Oh, there it is. All right. Hello. I'm a real person. And as a real person, I've made some humorous observations about real life. For example, have you ever noticed how there are two phone books, a white one and a yellow one?

Mr. Simpson, I'm scared. (LAUGHING) Relax, stupid. Everything you see is make-believe. Although it is based on a true story. Some of which happened in this very theater.

Uh-oh ! Why don't you grab yourself a beer, boy. But, Dad, I don't drink. Cut the crap ! "I just collect the cans, Daddy." Now grab yourself a beer and get me one too.

Homer, do you remember our last family vacation... when you made us go to the Bowlers' Hall of Fame in St. Louis, Missouri... so you could see that car shaped like a giant bowling pin ? Remember ? Who could forget ? Then you'll also remember that you owe me a favor...

Ah, not a bear in sight. The Bear Patrol must be working like a charm.

Okay now, everybody. Stand back while I celebrate freedom! Bart, give me your matches. Fresh out. No lighter? Nothing? Oh! Wait. I got it.

Uh, huh ? Marge ! What a lovely surprise. You're here to see me, right ? Of course !

Hey, wait. Come back! Oh. A ghost train! And so little time to get out of the way. Now less. Now none!

Whoo! This song has been going on for hours. Yeah. It's like the Allman Brothers.

In that case, I'll just have French toast with double butter and a side of bacon. But no powdered sugar. I don't deserve it. Well, maybe a little powdered sugar.

Oh, Bart, that's so sweet.

(SLURPING) TAB: Bart!

Ah, 'tis like the singing of the angels themselves. Catching that leprechaun didn't help anything.

It was him. Let's get him, fellas.

It's the best darn-diddly way to start your first Flanders day. Think you can Irish up this coffee for me? Whoops. Watch the swears, honey bear. We don't use the "I" word in this house. Where's my cigarettes? We flushed your sin sticks down to hell. - Smokers are jokers. - Smokers are jokers!

At last those planes are flying where they belong. That's right. Over the homes of poor people.

No more storing up the anger until I explode. If any of you does something I don't like, you are gonna hear about it! All right! Yes, that's very healthy, Ned. And if you really tick me off, I'm gonna run you down with my car. Yeah, uh-- Um-- Oh! Oh!

Is not. Is too ! Watch. I'll prove it. Maggie. Come to the one you love best. No, Maggie. Come here, girl. Come to me. Come on, Maggie ! The choice is obvious. No, Maggie. Don't go for the glitter. Look for substance.

But you let in Homer Glumpet. It says "No Homers." We're allowed to have one. I felt so left out. Kids can be so cruel. We can? Thanks, Mom!

May I remind you that two people are dead? Oh. Wait. I just got it. It is funny. Bad hair day.

The Simpsons. Ah, them stinkin' liars. Well, there goes Christmas dinner.

He's a phony! Lousy cheater! I demand a re-race! I got a better idea. Let's have a fun run... on his trachea.

Gotta go. Here.

Everybody was kung fu fighting Those cats were fast as lightning

Is there room at your table for a foolish old man ? Well, sure ! We'll have to move a chair in from the den. But it's no problem. Bart !

The perfect escape. Hmm. Oh!

As I'm sure you remember, in the late 1980's... the u.s. experienced a short-lived infatuation with Australian culture. For some bizarre reason, the Aussies thought this would be a permanent thing. Of course, it wasn't.

Uh-- Uh-- Hmm. Mmm.

Give what back? Ohh!

Aaah! A coconut bagel? Like poison it tastes! All right, I'll tell you a secret. My bagels are nothing but week-old doughnuts. Oh, who am I to point the finger?

Skinner said you wouldn't have the wontons to go through with it. Skinner said that? Well, I had to clean it up a little. But, basically, Krabappel said you'd give the teachers everything they want. She did? Yeah. She said you'd fold faster than Superman on laundry day. We'll see about that.

First of all, he's not a genius. He's an actor. And second: he's not much of an actor. You're lying. You're lying! No, this is lying: that was a well-plotted piece of non-claptrap... that never made me retch. No!

Now look what you've done. All right, all right. You guys have had way too much booze. Last call. Come on, come on. Gimme an excuse. Pro Player Stadium. Super Bowl.

You kids must be so happy.

Okay, which one of you guys parked in front of the hydrant? Uh, look, I didn't see nothing here, okay? (CHUCKLES) Just a bunch of innocent guys, sitting around, none of them dead. Buy yourselves a nice dinner. (CAR SPEEDS AWAY)

Why didn't you tell them? Because the myth of jebediah has value too. It's brought out the best in everyone in this town. Regardless of who said it, a noble spirit embiggens the smallest man.

and spend all day on the phone with their equally vacuous friends... talking about how damn terrific it is to look pretty and have a rich husband!

Patent pending. Okay, okay.

Come on. Keep blowing. Okay. Twelve centimeters. Excellent. I'm a big boy.

Oh, here's one. I'm still in love with you. Discuss? Oh, Seymour, I've moved on. Our romance is in the history books and there's nothing worth highlighting. Ha! The Skin-man doesn't give up that easily. (TIRES SQUEALING) Ooh, these icy roads are getting pretty gnarly.

Unkie Moe? What... is it, sweetheart? My sodie is too cold. My teef hurt. Oh, your "teef" hurt, huh? Your "teef" hurt? Well, that's too freakin' bad! I'll tell you where you can put your freakin' "sodie" too!

wherein I'll catch the conscience of the king.

Now, then, regarding your punishment, do you feel that you've learned your lesson ? Have I ever. just the thought of doin' anything bad again just makes my stomach turn.

"The grace of the Lord Jesus be with God's people. The end." Wow. Wow.

Help! Help! Help! Help!

When was the last time you worked? In '86, when I did a guest shot on The Cosby Show. Hey, kids, meet Grandpa Murphy! But we have three grandpas already. This one's a great jazz musician! Oh, they all are!

Actually, you could just tie them at the ends. That way the elastic doesn't wear out. Yes. I hate when things get worn out. Mmm, socks, welcomes.

So, you want ventriloquism, do ya? All right, watch this. Hello, Alphonse. I've got a riddle for you. Why is a raven like a writing desk? I don't know. Why is a--

Mojo, Marge. Marge, Mojo. He can do anything you show him. Watch. Simpson residence. Why didn't you tell me you were bringing home a filthy monkey? This "filthy monkey" made the orange juice you're drinking.

Hit one here, Charlie! Let's go over the ground rules. You can't leave first until you chug a beer. Any man scoring has to chug a beer. Chug a beer at the top of all odd-numbered innings.

Lisa, honey, why don't we go upstairs and I'll draw you a nice hot bath. That helps me when I feel sad. Sorry, Dad. I know you mean well. Thanks for knowing I mean well. Gee, Homer. Looks like you got yourself a real problem on your hands. Yeah, right. Uh, Bart, vacuum this floor. Hey, man. I didn't do anything wrong !

Sorry I'm late. I've been racking my brain, trying to think of something to cut from the budget.

Hmph. Oh. Hmph! Oh, sweetie!

Hmm, let's see... Nah. Hmm... Hey! I've got an ambition to do some wishin'. Keep your pants on, Flanders! I'm wishing as fast as I can!

What the hell is that?

I don't need anyone to talk for me, except this voice box. You have clearly been corrupted by power. For shame!

- Hmm? - Huh? - What?

Turn on the lasers.

Police? Uh-oh. Oh, wait. It was better the other way.

MAN: Sorry, sweetie. We don't have green. Let Daddy go talk to the man. (HUMMING) May I have a word with you? (DOOR CLOSES) (MAN GROANS) Is that green enough for you, sweetie? Because I can make it greener.

Yummy, yummy, yummy I got love in my tummy (BURPS) And I feel like a loving you Love, you're such a sweet thing Good enough to eat thing

That was no accident. Let's get out of here. Na na nah nah Na na nah nah Wa-a-ave Good-bye What good is money if you can't inspire terror in your fellow man? I've got to get my plant back.

Well, let's get those off then. "In the beginning... God created the heavens and the Earth." Which brings us back to our-- Ooh. Ooh!

Our money is made of drugs. To make this plant economically viable...

Stop it! Stop it! Don't you realize you've just been brainwashed by corporate propaganda? Apparently, my crazy friend here hasn't heard of the food chain. Yeah. Lisa's a Grade A moron. When I grow up, I'm going to Bovine University.

What about all the expensive stuff we wanted? Can we still have it? No! Blasted! In fact, to pay for the construction... and operation and demolition of our new derrick, the school will have to eliminate all nonessential programs: music-- What? and maintenance. I'll kill that Mr. Burns!

Your dreams may vary from those of Globex Corporation, its subsidiaries and shareholders.

Sorry. I'm so sorry. Yes! Please don't hurt me. You leave me little recourse. And now the Estrogen Network presents Afternoon Yak.

(SCREAMING) You know, Black Dracula is now a Congressman from Virginia. (HUMMING) Bart, where did you get those? There's an open house next door. They're giving out cookies and business cards. Check it out. I'm a business jerk.

"Eleazar begat Phinehas, Phinehas begat Abishua and Abishua--" "...begat Ahimaaz, Ahimaaz begat--" "And Amiriah onward, Amiriah begats Ahitub, Ahitub be--" "Shallum begat Hilkiah." "And he shall turn the heart of the fathers to the children,

No, Maggie ! Bad baby ! Keep her away from me, Marge ! She's got that crazy look in her eyes again ! So television's responsible. Hey, we were watching that ! Mom, what are you doing ?

Marge, do you respect my intelligence? - Yes. - Okay. Wait a minute. Why did it take you so long to say yes?

This dinner has to go absolutely perfect... if Grimey and me are going to be friends. Lisa, be perfect. Okay. Marge, perfect. Bart, perfect. Other kid, perfect. I only have five lobsters. Are you sure he's not bringing anyone with him?

Our nature walk will be hosted by a full-blooded Native American. Say hello to Jim Proudfoot from the Mohican tribe. Mohican? I thought you guys were all gone. No, but we encourage the myth. Chicks really dig you when you're the last of something.

They fight, they bite they fight aNd bite and fight fight, fight, fight bite, bite, bite the itchy and scraTchy show

Why do you have to be such a pain all the time? Don't you realize you're getting a bad reputation? Don't you realize your butt sticks out? It does not! Hey! Ha-ha!

Can't you stay in the Whack-A-Mole game? Nah. Fantastic Dan lives there. Did you call me, Spud? Look at 'em, Bart. If a carny can wind up homeless, it can happen to anyone.

Wow. Bu-- Eh-- But I'm talking about, you know, outdoors with plenty of ventilation. That-- How could that be worse? Okay, permanent brain damage or just temporary? I see. I gotta close Praiseland down. Someone could get hurt.

I wouldn't put it past him. He stole my gold tooth the night he left. He didn't leave. He went to the store. And when he comes back, I'll wave those Pop Tarts right in your face! They don't sound happy but here comes a mob shaking their fists in gratitude! Get him! Give back our presents, stupid man!

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, who do you find more attractive-- Tom Cruise or Mel Gibson? What is the point of all this? Your Honor, I feel so confident of Marge Simpson's guilt,

And paint and shellac. It's all itemized in this bill. $200,000? Are you mad? I don't get mad. I get stabby. The good news is we need no longer fear vicious mob reprisals.

Pretty lame, Milhouse. Can I touch it? I've worked too long and hard on this...

or Slimer in Ghostbusters. Sir, we know you're not an angel. My husband sees too many movies. Don't blame me. Blame Tinseltown and its second golden age.

I know, I know. I can still make this for five. Come on, baby. Please, please go in. Please. Doh ! Hi, Simpson. Having fun ? Flanders ! What are you doing here ?

Pull, Willie! Pull! I'm doin' all the pullin', ya blouse-wearin' poodle walker!

Do you have my teeth? No.

No, Dad. She made a fool out of me.

I hate to interrupt your judging me, but I wanted you to know I've made a couple of really important decisions. Number one: I'm cutting the cable as soon as the fight's over. And number two: I'm not very fond of any of you. Well, back to the fight. Sit down, boy ! Dad, we may have saved your soul.

Hmm. True. And I learned that in order for you to set a good example for your son, you're gonna take that course over again without cheating.

Hi, kids. I'll finish this later. Hi, Dad. Where's your mother? - Out back. - So, anyway, I says to Mabel. I says-- Hi, honey. Oh, I guess you're cranky... because I didn't come home last night. I'm cranky...

Hi-de-hi, Springfield. Dan Horde mike-side. Tonight our Isotopes take on the pesky Shelbyville Shelbyvillians. The Topes are looking to snap that darn 26-game losing streak, the longest in pro baseball. How about that ? Our sleepy town is in the record book. Ah, sitting with the employees. I guess this proves I'm their friend.

Sanctuary! Sanctuary! Oh, why did I teach him that word? Quick. You gotta hide me from PBS. Their bloodthirsty pursuit is made possible by a grant from the Chubb Group.

Hackey, Joke & Dunnit." Bingo! I want a divorce from my parents. You wha- I said I want a divorce from my parents. Yes, I heard you. l was just calling my secretary. Uwa, get me the standard child-divorcing-parent form. Yes, sir.

Ah, it's about the same. Uh-oh! Look out, Smithers! I love this show. Well, well. Look who's come to apologize. Come on! Let's go in there and get the bear!

It's funny 'cause it's true. Oh, hey, hey. Family, family, come here. I have an announcement to make. The Simpsons have cable ! Cable ? We have cable ?

Ew, Bart! Don't put the non-marshmallow pieces back in the box. They go in the trash. Oh, you like sweets, kids? I know a place that's sweeter than sweetness itself. In this sweet place, earthly doughnuts are sour as poison. You'd spit them out, you would!

Yep, here's your problem. Someone set this thing to "evil." I love you, Homer. Come here, you! Here you go, buddy. Did you walk the dog? Yeah, he buried me a couple of times.

Excuse me. I'm looking for the head of Motherloving Sugar. Yes, I'm Garth Motherloving. I'm Marge Simpson-- Long-time customer, first-time complainer. Hey, Marge, I'm not up on the current slang, but do the kids still say "Get the hell out of my office"?

Oh, no! Her clothes are coming off!

Now, now, now, now, see here, people. Let's not be too hasty. Tell the truth! Come on, everybody! Tell the truth! Tell the truth! Get him out of here! Tell the truth! Tell the truth!

These eggs are difficult to digest. I want soft-boiled eggs.

Mr. Foreman, has the jury reached a verdict? I believe we was promised $5.00 a day. All right then. Guilty! Carjacker Willie, I sentence you to 10 years in prison!

But, Mom, I thought you'd like it.

Which one of you is the mailman?

Neddy! Neddy! He's gaining on us! I'm scared! Come on, Ned! Move this thing! I can't! It's a Geo!

Aw, this is the worst day ever!

Uh, Mr. McClure, I have a crazy friend... who says it's wrong to eat meat. - Is he crazy? - No, just ignorant. You see, your crazy friend never heard of the food chain. just ask this scientician. Uh--

What's the matter?

What are you doing? They're not here, you idiots! Idiots? That's slander, sir, and we have it on tape. All right. I'll get out my checkbook. - What was that? - Ah, I said-- So, you kids really love the Leader, huh?

Gotcha, Mrs.-- Ow!

Hey, what's going on? The other night I tripped a continental drift divide We're rockin' great! Mountains sit in a line Leonard Bernstein

Otto, what are you waiting for'? Get your ass on my neck. I'm gettin' close. I smell vinaigrette. Heads up, Dad. Here comes the scum. Tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk. Why cant they just be happy for my success?

It worked, Mom! Maggie's memories have shown them humanity's inner goodness! These are not tears! We are vomiting from our eyes!

She broke my heart, Moe. Don't worry, Barney. Time heals all wounds. Well, what do you know ? You're right ! And, look, a whole pitcher to myself !

Aah! Me eyes! I'm scalded, I am!

We'll get the Simpsons a present. An extravagant present. A mad, unthinkable, utterly impossible present. A frabulous, grabulous, zip-zoop-zabulous present !

you have 24 hours to live. Twenty-four hours ? Well, twenty-two. I'm sorry I kept you waiting so long. Oh, Marge, I'm gonna die ! I'm gonna die ! Well, if there's one consolation, it's that you'll feel no pain at all... until some time tomorrow evening when your heart suddenly explodes.

(METAL SQUEALING) - (SCREAMS) - (BARKS) (SCREAMS) Be careful! (SCREECHING)

Ah- Hmm. No belly button. Shuttle's in the hangar. You want to be my slave?

Death to Shelbyville! Yes, Bart's a tutor now. Tute on, son! Tute on! Hey, Milhouse, get your invasion supplies and let's go!

Didn't you? Didn't you? You stupid--

Yeah, Monday, Wednesday, Friday. Tuesday, Thursday, it's the 22-A. 22-A? Then where the heck am I? Don't make me tap the sign. But I'm lost and I need to know where-- Last stop. End of the line.

See you in hell, dinner plate.

Brothers and sisters,

Lisa, Lisa! Where were you? You missed the most incredible thing! Hi, Dad. I ate seven pounds of fudge!

ladies and gentlemen, the Fan Man! Aw, cripes! Now I gotta comb this side over. All right, Homer, I'm not gonna lie to you. There's a good chance you can beat Tatum.

It's a tool, like a butcher knife or a harpoon... or, uh, an alligator. You just need more education on the subject. Tell you what. You come with me to an N.R.A. meeting, and if you still don't think guns are great, we'll argue some more.

Hurry, Smithers. Halloween is upon us. Put up the decoration.

Somebody put a torch to these permanent records. Quickly, now. Wake up, boy.

EDWINA: I say. Ohhh! Nice. ABE: Little did I know I really was shipping out in the morning! I'll never forget you, Edwina! But I did...

Will there be beer? Welcome to the Knowledgeum. i'm Troy McClure.

We're now approaching our final destination, Itchy and Scratchy Land, the amusement park of the future, where nothing can "possibli" go wrong. Uh, "possibly" go wrong. That's the first thing that's ever gone wrong.

If I came into your house and started sniffing at your crotch... and slobbering all over your face, what would you say? Mmm. If you did it, sir? I'll, uh, print you out a copy. Thanks. Hello. Smithers. You're. Quite. Good. At. Turning. Me. On. Um, you probably should ignore that.

Mr. Simpson, would you please-- Shut up, judge! Peek-a-boo! I see you!

Slow down. Slow down!

I'm out of here. Make way. The reception in there sucked.

Finished. Merciful heavens ! You're bleeding ! I'll get the iodine. Iodine.

We now return to the 1971 film, Good Time Slim, Uncle Doobie and the Great Frisco Freak-out, starring Troy McClure. Slim, if we've got the bag with the stolen diamonds, then what happened to the bag with our stash?

You can't handle the twos! Oh, Marge, don't you love it when our hands meet in the popcorn tub? Mmm-hmm. (BOTH GIGGLING) Hey, Marge! Howdy, partner! Why don't you sit next to us? Hey, Moe. Haven't seen you in a while.

And I don't think George Washington will ever be the same.

Oh, come on, people.

So powerful. So commanding. So forceful and raw. It didn't ask. It just took. Canyonero Hyah! oh canyonero

Hmm. Maybe I should call the police. Oh, he'll sober up. Yeah. Come staggering home. Mm-hmm. Smelling of cheap perfume. Homer ! What ? What the-- Who the-- Look, everybody, I have a confession to make. This should be good.

Sorry, Dad. Women and children first. What the-- Where the hell are my keys ?

I like his style. Hee-hee! Here comes the bouncing ball of justice. Tonight on Rock Bottom, we go undercover... at a sex farm for sex hookers. I keep telling ya. I just grow sorghum here. Uh-huh. And where are the hookers?

Come here, you. Xena needs "xex."

One, two, tie your shoe Three, four, pick up the floor Five, six... (SCREAMING) Three, four, pick up the floor (SHUDDERS) (BELL RINGING)

I haven't decided.

Ooh. A punch bowl like that just screams good taste. Wouldn't it be perfect for the dinner party? Oh, we can't afford that. Who do you think I am, Liz Taylor? Well, maybe we could use it once and then return it. Marge, we're not talking about a toothbrush here.

with today's temperature exceeding the record for this date, set way back four billion years ago, when the Earth was just a ball of molten lava. Oh, so hot. Homer, have you seen the frozen peas? Um, you keep 'em.

Extra cheese? What do you take me for? Lorenzo de' Medici? See you soon.

And the kids need some CPR lessons. We're not paramedics! I'll say. Oh, good. You can use that to take down my dinner order. I'll start with the soup, then a nice mixed grill with a side of wild rice. Fine! Right after this revision. "Temperance had to face the unhappy truth. "She had married a brute."

It's a door! Use it! That's a door?

You're not gonna make the team with that kind of attitude. I don't want to make the team. Then why are you running the obstacle course? Are you wearing my self-defense whistle? You never use it. Good morning, everybody. Wipe that smile off your face.

Oh! Who's... doing... that?

Ron! - You killed Ron Howard. - Okay, I'll stop.

put your hands together for the Beach Boys Experience! Mezuzah, menorah Reading from the Torah Pastrami, knishes, on two sets of dishes A church with no steeple for God's chosen people

Evil! - Madness. Beware! - Beware! Cool! Ow! Ow! Ow!

Homer, I see your daughter... is one of those whale-kissing, Dukakis-hugging moon maidens.

I've never seen a brain freeze this bad.

Hey, Nostra-dumbass, did the Rapture come? I can't recall. In fact, I can recall, and it didn't and you suck. Hey, fatwad, here's another thing you didn't predict. - (GRUNTS ANGRILY) - (GRUNTS) (ALL LAUGHING) Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Oh, let's go to Moe's. We'll walk and punch.

No. Wait, wait, wait. Queer. Queer. Queer. That's what you like to be called, right? Well, that or John. This is about as tolerant as Dad gets, so you should be flattered. Great. Well, Homer, I won your respect. And all I had to do was save your life. Now if every gay man could just do the same, you'd be set. Amen to that.

Oh! I'll meet you in Wilmington. Close the door. Raise your arm. Okay, the other one. You know, I do, uh, 400 sit-ups a day.

Don't worry. I'm wearing my lucky rabbit's head. Mr. Honey Bunny! You inhuman monster! You want a piece of me? Stop it! Stop it! Conserve your precious hatred for the game. Now that we're all alone, Marge, admit it. - You like Lisa best. - No!

It's a cow, man. It's a pony! No, it's a goat! You know, one of them lady goats. There are no lady goats. A lady goat is a sheep. I believe she's right. You're crazy. Arr! What's it to ya? What's it to me?

It tastes great, makes women appear more attractive, and makes a person virtually invulnerable to criticism. Won't somebody please think of the children? What kind of an example are we setting? Ladies, please. All our founding fathers, astronauts and World Series heroes... have been either drunk or on cocaine.

Now you can do whatever you want, but don't mess up the house. We won't. And now let's try another lucky phone call. Help! Help us! They stole our uniforms, guns and Tasers!

There once was an ugly duckling So you think I'm ugly? No! No, I meant you were one of the good-looking ducks... that makes fun of the ugly one.

Well, um, I'm doing a school project on, uh, fireworks! Bart, I wish you wouldn't lie like that.

Don't be rude! Hey, hey! Read the sign. Well, well, what have we here? Inspector, you've caught the villain! But what are you doing in an opium den? It's the only way I can get Ralphie to go to sleep. I can make opi-ohs!

How can that be considered beautiful? Oh, he sure sucked the fun out of that poem. Please don't make me stay, Dad. I'll do anything you say. I'll find religion. I'll be good sometimes. Let go of my leg. No! Son, for the last time, you're staying at military school. And so am I.

And I didn't need molded plastic to improve my physique. Pure West. And how come Batman doesn't dance anymore? Remember the Batusi? Nice meetin' ya. Just keep moving. Don't make eye contact.

Yeah, right. I'll just type it up on my invisible typewriter. Fruitcake.

It's not quite as large as the last one,

Hey, Bill and Marty here. And we're rapping with the Tap. Fellas, this phrase has dogged you throughout your career-- "Washed up."

Springfield's number one news team... with our Emmy Award-winning anchorman Kent Brockman, Good evening, I'm Scott Christian. Kent Brockman is off tonight.

Ho! Silver bells Silver bells

I-- What's going on? Could it be? in a bizarre twist, a horse is abusing a jockey. Might this be the start of a terrifying planet of the horses? In this announcer's opinion, almost certainly yes. And away I go.

Grampa, I gotta tell ya. She's a stone-cold hoochie. Straight up, Marge. That hoochie only likes you because you can drive. Shut up! You don't know her. Zelda loves me. I hate this house!

And as an American, aren't I entitled to one? Probably! Can't you find it in your hearts just to let me live and work in peace? Hi!

I can't believe it. I'm still not among the hundred most popular billionaires. I'm behind Adam Sandler, for God's sake. Well, how about donating money to charity? Lots of crazy old coots do that. A charitable donation, eh? Well, there's a first time for everything.

- Why? - To make a hole. - A hole for what? - More diggin'. Okay then. Don't worry, Marge. I'll find out what he's up to. Kids shouldn't have secrets.

And white blood cells are attacking my clothes! Although I must admit they know where to stop. We'll have to lighten the ship, which means one of us has to stay behind. Bart? Lisa?

I hope this bus ride never ends, 'cause I'm getting executed when I get off. Okay, boy. Flip through those highway warnings till we find one that'll stop that bus. Next. Pass.

Hot dogs! Get your hot dogs here! Whoo-hoo! Okay, Bart, I will count to three, and you will be sound asleep. - One, two, three. Out like a light. - Scalpel. Oopsie! Maybe if I fiddle with these knobs.

Oh, Abe. Maybe our Homer could grow up to be president some day. You, president? This is the greatest country in the world.

Oh, now Henry Winkler, there's a father. Listen to what he told a close friend. "I don't always keep my cool like the Fonz,

Great licks, man. Great licks.

- Sorry. - Didilly-- You see anything yet? Nothin', Captain. Somebody took all the beer and cold cuts. That's it. I'm not even castin' off until we go to the store. Homer, this cheese doodle is our last morsel of food.

The teens have been chasing me all night. They-They finally stopped to gas up their scooters. Ned, where are you? Well, I can't see the name of the station, but the gas costs 1.49 and eight-tenths. Eight-tenths? Donny's Discount Gas! Thanks for swinging by the house, Reverend.

But this film is never going to see the light of day. Look. They're towing away a Range Rover. There's no-- Yoink!

Just a little more-- Got it. I'm stuck. Help me. He's done for! Let's get outta here!

Deeper, wider, faster. I wouldn't bury my turtle in that mud puddle. What's the use? Sheesh! What a slave driver.

Ah, sounds like you're having a rough Christmas, Homer. You know what I blame this on the breakdown of? - Society. - Yeah. You're right, Moe. You're always Moe. Homer, look. Your house is on TV. You take that back, Barney.

"I'm scared." Hmm... The amplitude of the sine wave is insufficient for "burp me" and this sawtooth formation seems to... Blah! Eureka. Now, I bet you're all wondering what lies under this sheet. No. We peeked while you were in the john.

Hmm... mmm! Mmm... not bad. Nice hot mustard, good bread, turkey's a little dry-- The turkey's a little dry?! Oh, foul the cursed thing! What demon from the depths of hell created thee? Hey, is that one of those monkey paw dealies...

Gunned down July 14, 1881. Aged 21." So young. "l dream of a world without guns." Dont we all, William?

Next, we take some toilet paper, tear off some teensy little squares... and stick one there and there and anyplace you're bleeding. There and there. Don't worry. The blood'll hold it right on your face. And now, some aftershave.

It was so exciting. I actually got applause for being smart. Mars, eh? Mmm. I see no evidence of water. Well, this is very impressive, Lisa.

This character named Martin was feeling rather randy, and he was heard to remark-- Don't you ever come near my daughter again!

Hey! Do you know how to play hide-and-seek? Shh! I been here two hours, and Bart still hasn't finded me. These syrup stains are the worst. Bart, it's too nice a day to leave Ralph in a closet. You boys should go play outside.

What the hell happened? Well, I'd attribute the product failure... to fundamental shifts in our key demographic, coupled with the overall crumminess of Poochie. Oh, you gotta stop this thing! Please! I'm gettin' egged on the street!

Her wedding china back? (GASPING) I could get Marge a new window just like this one! Hey, Dad, why don't we try the Sprawl-Mart? Yeah, I love Sprawl-Mart. They've got everything. Even Christian videos with talking vegetables.

Database and Lisa. Your nickname will be Cosmos. Well, I'm done eating. Good-bye. Good-bye, Cosmos! Bye-bye. Perhaps some night you could show us your comet. There it is right there. I make it a point never to turn my head unless I expect to see something, Bart.

Oh, no. Lise, they got you too? Got me? What are you talking about? - I've been volunteering here For A year. - Hello! Let's hear some numbers! I got a nice diagonal goin' here. B-3. You sunk my battleship.

which was the style at the time. Now, to take the ferry cost a nickel. And in those days, nickels had pictures of bumblebees on 'em. "Give me five bees for a quarter," you'd say. Now, where were we? Oh, yeah!

TAB: I've smelled it. It has to be eaten. HOMER: But it's my burger! TAB: I'm driving. I'll kill us. HOMER: (MOUTH FULL) Fine. I'd rather die!

Herb, were you adopted ? Yeah. - From the Shelbyville Orphanage ? - How did you know that ? Because... I'm your baby brother Homer ! Hello ? Hello ? Hello ? Stupid phone ! Hey, hey, knock it off ! I'm here ! I was just silent because of the emotion involved. Oh, sorry.

Oh, it's a donkey.

(HOMER SCREAMS) I'll take everything you got.

So one of those Egg Council creeps got to you too, huh? You got it all wrong, Homer. It's not like that. You'd better run, egg. Why don't people like me, Marge?

Have a good time at your hippie club. You're welcome to come too. No. I like to save the environment my own way. Mmm... doughnuts. I am happy to report we've succeeded in blocking the St. Patrick's Day Parade,

Somebody hired me for an emergency bachelor party.

Oh, for the love of pizza! Luigi Risotto? That's me. I'm from the US Immigration Department. Save our families! Sign our petition! The only petitions that I sign are to bring back canceled sitcoms. Thank you.

I know that's funny, but I'm just not laughing. Hmm. Pablo Neruda said laughter is the language of the soul. I am familiar with the works of Pablo Neruda. I think we should do a test.

I'm afraid sorry doesn't cut it with this pope. Oh-ho.

The truth must be told. Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

- I'll be back in the morning to pick up Stampy. - Here's the keys. Elephants don't have keys. I'll just keep these then. Don't worry, Stampy. I won't let Homer sell you to that ivory dealer. You and I are gonna run away together. We'll keep to the back roads and make our way south. Then, if I know my geography, it's just 12 miles to Africa.

Tell you what. I'll show you something very special... if you promise to put your grubby little hands behind your back and keep them there. Behold. Wow. Radioactive Man number one. None other. I bet it's worth a million bucks ! It is, my lad, but I'll let you have it for a hundred because you remind me of me.

And now, the Top Hat Channel... is honored to present Broadcast Nudes.

But you're the one who's been bad. You've been sneaking puddings. But-- But how did you know? We know all your secrets. And you pilfered the poor box. And, Doctor, we know that you and the bootblack... have been rogering the fishwife in the crumpet shop. Lies! How dare you!

Pi is exactly three! Very sorry that it had to come to that, but... now that I have your attention, we have some exciting new research from young Lisa Simpson. Let's bring her out and pay attention. - She's just a little girl. - In the larval stage. - Silly. Let's not listen.

Geriatric Profanity Disorder, or G.P.D. And chronic nagging, nagging, nagging, nagging, nagg-- Sorry. It does that sometimes. Nagging. Nagging.

I think we know who wins this round. Titania!

JUDI DENCH: Who are you talking to? TEEN: No one, Mum! I swear! JUDI DENCH: I'll "mum" you! (CRYING OUT IN PAIN) TEEN: Blimey!

Hello. I'm retired heavyweight boxer Gerry Cooney. Welcome to Mr. Burns's Casino. If there's anything I can do to make your visit more enjoyable, please let me know.

Smithers, send for the boys at Yale admissions, hmm? Well, did you meet Larry? Oh, yes. He made light of my weight problem, then suggested my motto should be "Semper Fudge." At that point he told me to "relax." How were his test scores? Let's just say this--

Otto! That's what my driver's license says. Hail to the bus driver, bus driver, bus driver... Yes, hail to the bus driver bus driver man.

Tomorrow morning, I'm gonna buy your ring back. Doesn't your job start tomorrow? Somebody will cover for me. Homer, that's... Oh! Step aside. I'll deliver this baby. Why don't you let me handle it. Oh, a college boy, eh? Homer, let him deliver the baby!

D'oh! (EXCLAIMING) (BRAKES SCREECHING) (ALL GASP) (ALL SCREAM)

Oh, I'll come back later. How's this for later? Mom, listen-- Why are you sitting like that? What are you hiding this time? Eggs? That bird I killed was their mother.

Gettin' your taxes out of the way? No. just mailin' out death certificates... for holiday-related fatalities.

Krusty the Clown and Brooke Shields. "Well, here we are. The star of The Blue Lagoon and me, the blue-haired goon! What the-- That's terrible!

They'll all be sorry when I invent the world's best-tasting cola and share it with no one! (CHUCKLES) (LAUGHING MANIACALLY) Oh, man.

With this vengeful Latin rhythm Burns Con el corazÓn de perro SeÑor Burns

It's Bill and Marty on the line right now with Springfield's very own Fat Tony. I wish to announce that my associates and I will gun down Homer Simpson... if he has not left town by noon tomorrow. Wow, that's quite a threat! Do you have a song request? "Radar Love."

Thank you, Mr. President. No. Thank you, Lisa, for teaching kids everywhere a valuable lesson.

Who's joking? Oh, I don't know what you're saying. It all sounds so crazy to me. It simply means we'll be taking part of your salary... until your debt is repaid. Say, 75% for 40 years. But I don't plan to live that long. Oh, better make it 95%. Oy.

(GRUNTING) Stop struggling and get in my mouth, jerks!

Hmm. Wow! A house made of gingerbread. Come on in, my darlings. The best candies are inside. Wait! Let me check the book.

I guarantee I can find some new revenue streams. Step one: Let's sell some ad space. Reverend, how would you feel about wearing this robe? Conflicted. Too bad! You've already signed the deal! Actually, he hasn't. Oh. Well, we highly value your input...

As I look into this sea of smiling faces I am filled with a sense of loathing and revulsion.

Yes? What is it? What? What is it? Can I play with it? No, you can't play with it. You won't enjoy it on as many levels as I do. The colors, children. Wow-wee! Okay, when I call your name, uh, you say "Present" or "Here."

Well, I see no way of settling this. I say we imprison them for the duration of our bicentennial. There is one way. Get the silver tongue. If jebediah's who I say he is, then it should still be in his grave. Why, that's highly unorthodox. Yes, but human decency prevents-- Dig him up! Dig up that corpse!

Wanna try for a month?

Oh, I see. You hate him, so you gave him to the church. Aye. I also 'ate the mess he left on me rug. Ya heard me!

So what are we doing, a lengthening or a widening? Yarr. Uh, let's make it both.

- give me that! - Ohh! Two plus two is four. Two plus two is four. Two plus two is four. I can see why this is so popular. Look at him. - Two plus two is four. - Two-- Give me my bear, Simpson!

You got a job? Doing what? Uh, I don't know. Mixing drinks, picking horses, cutting cigars-- You know, a job. bart, Your father and I don't want you doing that. Homer, say something. HoW much does it pay? Three bucks a week. I make more than that.

(SCREAMS) Gnomes! (GRUNTS) (BOTH GASPING) (BOTH PANTING) Oh, Dad. How I'll miss your cap, your walking stick, your plaster base.

a Matlock Expressway! How you gonna top that, smart guy? Hmm, well, how's this? I'll not only build the expressway, I will spend the remainder of this afternoon... patiently listening to your interminable anecdotes. Hot diggety damn! Me first!

Mmm-mmm! Homer has many, many horrible problems. These shadows are brain lesions resulting from numerous blows to the head. Ohh!

That's why you're the judge, and I'm the law-talkin' guy.

Here's some more chocolate curls, gun buddies. Anyone else want a beer? Homer, you use your gun as a can opener? I use it for everything. Watch me turn on the TV.

Our story begins on a Friday morning... in a little town called Springfield. T.G.I.F.! Guys, I'm off to Moe's. But, Homer, it's 10:00 in the morning. Don't worry. I have a plan.

So long, Sarge. See you at the reunion in November.

You shank! How could you tell on me? Well, I didn't want hungry birds pecking my soul forever.

If a child doesn't do it now, it may never happen. Seymour! Do you want your vitamin in applesauce or are you gonna take it like a big boy? Applesauce.

Marge, I've always loved you. Bart, you were a worthy foe. (CRYING)

I failed. Quitting my dream job was the hardest thing I've ever done.

But it explains why there's no record of jebediah before 1795. He was Hans Sprungfeld until then. That's preposterous. Now get out. You're banned from this historical society. You and your children and your children's children.

Do you, Charles Montgomery Burns, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife? I do. Oops. The ring, you little imbecile, before I really lose my temper. Hmm? Hmm? I know. I know.

Mmm. - Okay, I'll take you. - Yea! Dear Lord, bless this humble meal. And did you hear about Krusty? Whoo, man! I mean, I knew he was a player, but geez, a kid? Homer, that's not a prayer. That's gossip.

Why, we could revive the lost arts of conversation... and scrimshaw.

Now, as for wands and scepters-- - It's a bottle cap. - jewel-encrusted? Hey, Homer, see you at Moe's? He put new electrical tape on the cushions. Sorry, guys. Marge and I are spending the weekend at a bed-and-breakfast. Oh, trying to jump-start the old marriage, huh?

and say your prayers. Are you in... here ? Oh ! Homemade pickled beets. Go ahead. Take 'em all.

Get out. Get out! Yea!

"Who pumped Ethyl?" How come I never get any mail? I'm sorry, honey. Here, you can have the junk mail. "Gas your termites," "Freeze your termites," "Zap your termites," "Save the termites."

Dancin' Homer ! Hmm. These do taste better at the ball park. Uh-oh. There he is !

It's true ! The jar is empty ! Oh, my God ! We're ruined. Christmas is canceled. No presents for anyone ! Don't worry, Homer. We'll just have to stretch your Christmas bonus... even further this year.

Smoothly. Pulla-pulla-pulla.

Oh, forget it. Turn on the lasers. Aah! My vision. That's it. Show's over. Good night, Springden. There will be no encores.

An all-syrup Super-squishy? Oh, sir, such a thing has never been done. just make it happen. Oh. Oh, dear.

Who wants to go get some sweet corn in my minivan? It's got a wheelchair lift. If you can drive, they're all over ya. I used to drive, but they pulled my license.

That drawing is worth exactly $750 American. It's valuable, huh? Ooh, your powers of deduction are exceptional. I simply can't allow you to waste them here... when there are so many crimes going unsolved at this very moment. - Go! Go, for the good of the city. - Loser. Oh, nerts!

Excellent. You are Mrs. Homer Simpson. He is your soul mate and lover. Yes. Homer Simpson is my whole world. I love him. (SHUDDERS) Oh! I just felt a chill go through my very soul. Yeah. Those Sloppy Joes'll do that.

Yeah, even though McDonald's owns Yale now, it's still a great school. And I could never afford to go there if I hadn't won the Montgomery Burns Scholarship. Oh, yeah, that's the thing he had to do as punishment for stealing Christmas. Yeah. I miss Christmas. I don't. (ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYING)

I know I'm supposed to cut something, but what? And where? Hey! The incision in the coronary artery... must be made below the blockage! Below! Thanks, little girl!

Woo-hoo. Sorry, pardon me, ma'am. I see you're expecting. May I listen to the baby's heartbeat? (SCREAMING)

Isn't that a funny name? Huh? Huh? Hysterical. But I traded my turn to Lisa for her dessert. Oh! We did a Lisa thing last month! And I'm glad we did. But now I think we should do something normal people would like. Why do you assume that I won't pick something fun? Let's see.

and sent me to this dank, urine-soaked hellhole? Uh, we object to the term "urine-soaked hellhole"... when you could have said "peepee-soaked heckhole."

Oh, good. I figure if you've got something special to say, you have to share it with the world. Yeah. While you still can. Thanks. Damn. That felt like a sale. I'm sorry, little girl. We don't just put people on TV.

only to have the rubber band fly off and hit you right in the eye? Never. But it's my number-one concern. Well, with the OmniGog system, those worries are a thing of the past. I'm all right, folks, thanks to my OmniGogs. A little late for Lenny.

Four! Three! Two!

I'll take the kids tonight and you go to your precious hair appointment. I'm writing a novel! Whatever. But I think you look great already. Thank you.

Yeah. Frequent problems with alcohol.

pressed peanut sweepings." Mmm! Homer, I have to go out to pick up something for dinner. Steak? Money's too tight for steak. Steak? Mm, sure. Steak. Ah. The last peanut--

Good for you, not being bound by the recommended age. What are you talking about? Oh, geez. How about the rest of you? What do you like about those toys of yours? They're special.

And it came with a free instruction book. We spent a lot of money so you get real good, real fast, or pow! Homer! I thought I was supposed to encourage him. I'd like to play me latest chart topper.

across the continental United States. She could be lurking anywhere, about to descend upon another house full of unsuspecting dupes. Eee ! Wow !

Aren't you the safety inspector? D'Oh! Mm-hmm-hmm... mm-hmm... That's one big check. You look sharp today, sir.

First, I lower the capsule top, thusly.

Wow! A lot of people have pools.

Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh. How could somebody-- I know! Can... we... skip... church?

(LAUGHS MISCHIEVOUSLY) BARNEY: I guess you're just too smart for me, Bart. What? Ha-ha! Huh?

Wow. This is roomy. Can you nAMe the truck with four-wheel drive smells like A steak and seats 35 Canyonero CAnyonero

"Soitenly." Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk!

Finders keepers. "This year, give her English muffins." Whatever you say, Mr. Billboard!

Get ready for fun! Fun! Fun! Uh, people are already here. We don't need to keep hustling them like this, do we?

Look, I'm really glad you're off the wacky-tobacky. Yeah. You were gettin' all spacey and everything. We were gonna have an intervention. Yeah. But at the planning party, I got alcohol poisoning.

Hey, kids, lots of candy left for breakfast.

Can I punch Oscar de la Hoya for a while? Just keep it above the belt. (GRUNTING) (SIGHS) You know, Milhouse? I thought I'd love eating only frosting and giving the pope a wedgie.

Way to go, slim! Damn! That town's got too much spirit. Looks like we'll have to steal some other baseball team. See what Dallas wants for the Cowboys.

Oh, I guess you'd rather see a film about a liberal European wizard school or the latest sexcapade of Miss Ashley Judd.

That money's going toward your college education. Who needs college, Mom? We're trillionaires! Let's buy dune buggies! Contact. Remove the chocks, Simpson! Simpson?

Duh-oh! That's them, all right. I can't believe it. I guess you're the only one I can trust. Hmm? Hmm? Dad?

I can't stand this any longer. Somebody please pay attention to me! Hello! Pay attention to me. Look at me! I'm Bart, I'm Bart. Look at me. Look at me. Look at me.

No, but I came so close. This guy waS--

Look! A rocket ship! That's not a toy! Hey! Do you know how to play hide-and-seek?

I love this book, Marge. Very psychological. Dr. Marvin Monroe? I haven't seen you in years! Oh, I've been very sick.

He's right, you know. Daddy, are you sure it's okay for us to watch cartoons? Mm-hmm. This one's fine and dandy, Roddy. It's approved by a council of Presby-Lutheran ministers.

Oh, let's just take it from the top.

Why would anybody wanna touch a girl's butt? That's where cooties come from. Dad, I don't understand. What is she saying you did? Well, Lisa, remember that postcard Grampa sent us from Florida... of that alligator biting that woman's bottom?

Everybody wanted a piece of us. They told us what to wear, how to dress, which clothes we should put on.

It's Sideshow Bob! You wrote me those letters. You awful man! Stay away from my son. Oh, I'll stay away from your son, all right. Stay away... forever. Oh, no! Wait a minute. That's no good.

- Rock. - Paper. D'oh! You call this writing? If I puked in a fountain pen and mailed it to the monkey house, I'd get better scripts. But, sir, at Harvard-- Oh, at Harvard they taught you? Hit the streets, egghead! You should've majored in not getting fired. Sir, a Lisa and Bart Simpson sent you a script.

Oh, she looks sad. That's 'cause she knows you're looking at her. Although I know you're looking at me, I would look exactly the same, even if you weren't. Bart, think. What happens to you when you turn eight?

There's some dogs. We could all ride dogs. Forget it. Nobody's riding any-- Hi-yo, Silver, away! Oh, look! There's the store where I buy my yarn. But you don't wanna buy your buttons there. Whew. Well, I dodged a bullet.

Quiet. You're breaking character. Are those real cobras? Some are real. Some are just robots filled with venom. Now that is a true friend.

That takes four hours.

Mmm. Homer, breakfast is ready. Hmm ? Blech ! Oh, Marge, you saved me from making a big mistake.

Yeah. I'm getting tired of them pointing and laughing at us. The road to the Super Bowl is long and pointless. I mean, when you think about it. Football's so great. But now the two conference champs must survive...

We do, indeed, old friend. We do, indeed. Moe's Tavern, where the elite meet to drink. Hello. Is Mike there ? Last name Rotch.

We heard what you said. Yeah! Heard it old school. It's N'Sync! Can the chitchat, Milhouse. We've got just the song you need to defuse this whack attack.

Now Is like Britney Spears.

(SCREAMS) (LAUGHS) (GROANING) Mouse-l Tov!

Sorry. Sorry, Bart. Sorry, Dad. Sorry, Mom. Sorry, Maggie. That does it. Children, get dressed. We're leaving. Come on, Marge. You said you'd sleep on it. I don't care what I said. This family has had its differences and we've squabbled, but we've never had knife fights before, and I blame this house. Mom, Dad, look !

Good-bye, Lisa honey ! It'll be okay ! just read the note !

is turning into a Valentine's Day massacre. You think you've got problems? I just chewed my way out of a dog carrier. Elton john? That's my name. Well, not really. I hate to sound like a screaming fan, but-- That maniac nearly killed us!

J ls plotting how to watch him dieJ Bart! Turn down that original cast recording and go to sleep! J I know this chubby scallywag J J Has made my life a living hell J

(WAILING LOUDLY) Ha... Huh? (LAUGHING) (CLOCK TICKING) (CLICK) (CLICK) (CLICK) People, Springfield is in crisis.

Ooh, a redneck bar. Hey, you, let's fight. Them's fightin' words.

(BOTH SCREAM) (HOMER SCREAMING)

if I croak, you'll marry Lenny or Moe. The winner will be determined by a card game I invented.

Maybe. But you don't know Lisa. I mean, she's so smart, they hooked her up to a big computer to try to teach it some things. But she had so much knowledge, it overloaded. And then it got really hot and caught on fire!

Okay, we've seen a lion. Can we go now ?

It takes two to lie-- one to lie and one to listen. What does that mean? I don't have time to answer that. Time is money. Come on, people.

Kids, would you step outside for a second? F--

but this man has turned every cheek on his body. If everyone here were like Ned Flanders, there'd be no need for heaven. We'd already be there.

- Hubba hubba. Oh, you kid. - Thank you, dear. Now, be good for Grampa while we're at the parent/teacher meeting. We'll bring back dinner. What are we gonna have? Well, that depends on what the teachers say. If you've been good, pizza. If you've been bad, uh, let's see-- poison.

Hidilly-ho, Bart!

Stroke! Stroke!

Mmm! No, Dad, they're apples. Yuck! Well, that's it. I don't want anything to do with this wagon train of death. Either switch to apples, or go on without me. Hmm!

When are they gonna get to the fireworks factory? Can somebody tell me what the hell is going on? Midge, help me out here. Quiet! You're missing the jokes.

I'd prefer that you push me, seeing how I'm desperate for any human contact. - All right. - Thanks a lot. The flowers starting to open.

Is this all we're going to do today? Absolutely. You know, Homer, I'm starting to realize life is short.

Oh. Or should I say "Grinskeeper"? No, I'm sorry. Groundskeeper was correct. Willie! How many of you hail from the fair city of Edinburgh? So, have you noticed... how North Edinburgh golfers putt like this,

Oh. How does Bart do this every week? Hey, brainiac, since when do you get detention? It's your fault. I accidentally laughed at your immature prank.

There is someone among us with a guilty conscience.

followed by flower arranging and meditation. Honey, I know you wanna see japan, but we're down to our last million yen. Don't worry, ichiban.

Mmm. Sprinkles! Homer, stop looking! Don't make us poke your eyes out, Dad.

What would you say is your worst quality? I am a workaholic. I push myself too hard. It takes me a long time to learn anything. I'm kind of a goof-off-- That will do. Stuff starts disappearing--

Sweet. Pleasing taste. Some "monsterism."

Back off and let her live her life. But she's only eight. Oh, I thought you said 80. Well, we'll get right on it. Now, this may not be the best time, but I'm supposed to give you this survey rating the effectiveness of the Springfield Police Department.

Uh, there's a pizza here for-- Right here. Mrs. Simpson, what did you and your husband do...

Unauthorized user! Access denied! Turbo Diary, I love that I bought you. Get your Turbo Diary... from Glrttech. Girltech is a division of Bo ytech. Hey, I could really use one ofthose. No arguments here.

I hereby declare this day to be Snow Day, the funnest day in the history of Springfield.

Welcome to Super Friends! Huh? Welcome, Super Friend! I am called Ham, since I enjoy ham radio. This is E-mail, Cosine, Report Card, Database and Lisa. Your nickname will be Cosmos.

Eh, Paul Harvey's on. Ooh! And that little boy who nobody liked grew up to be... - Roy Cohn. - Wow!

Everything's a rave. "Nine thumbs up"? What the hell is that? I've given out my share of bad reviews.

Look. You're Milhouse. Who wets their bed now, Milhouse? I'll be in my room. There's gotta be something fun in my parents' closet. Want to dress up like ladies? Uh, wouldn't that make us kind of fruity?

Marge? What do we do here, Marge? He's using violence. Talk to him. Use your words. Homer. Homer, stop it. We've given up our violent ways. We just want to live peacefully with your wife. No! My wife is not a doobie to be passed around!

Oh, those baby ducks were so cute. I can't believe they let us walk right up and feed them. I need to go to the bathroom. We stopped five minutes ago. Someone knocked on the door, and I couldn't go.

But I saw the murder, and then I saw you bury the corpse in the backyard! All right. It's true. I am a murderer. I overwatered Maude's favorite ficus plant, I panicked and then I buried the remains. I was hoping to replace it before you got home. Oh. But I heard a woman scream.

Surprise! Surprise. Marge, will you marry me?

This is terrible.

Come back for more, eh ? Hey ! What ? What ?

No, Dad. It's a rhetorical question. Rhetorical, eh? Eight!

No, ma'am. This is Area 51-A. Well, um, I'm kind of lost. Can you tell me where I am? I'm sorry. The location of this location is classified.

My purpose in life is to witness this moment. We need the outlet for our rock tumbler. Plug it in! Plug it in! What, the rock tumbler or the TV? The TV! The TV!

We have roots here, Homer. We have friends and family and library cards. Bart's lawyer is here. But, Marge, this is a chance for me to fulfill my lifelong dream. What lifelong dream? Promise not to laugh?

It was Dwight and Mamie Eisenhower-- offered this advice: "Double your pleasure with a bath... together." Homie, I can't quite fit.

Why, here's Fox News.

Oh, cool! The old Batman show! Struggling in vain. Gather your wits, old chum. We seem to have fallen prey to that painted Pagliacci of perfidy. You mean Clownface? None... other.

Well, you bought all those smoke alarms, and we haven't had a single fire. Mmmm !

You know, Bart, maybe it's just the concussion talking, but any way you choose to live your life is okay with me. Huh? He thinks you're gay. He thinks I'm gay?

Why is you so down, Little Miss Vicki? My kitty cat's sick, and I'd be ever so sad if she should die. Well, I'm no animal doctor or nothin', but whenever I'm feelin' poorly, you know what fixes me up? Dancin'. Dancin'? Dancin'.

(BIRDS SQUAWKING)

You don't wanna drink beer. That's for daddies and kids with fake I.D.'s. Besides, it's such a beautiful night. How about a ghost story? And that is how much college will cost for Maggie. No! No! No!

Mop and bucket man to the exit of the Nauseator. We have another jumper on the roof of T.G.I. McScratchy's. We need more Bort licence plates in the gift shop. I repeat. We are sold out of Bort licence plates.

Ow! Ow! Look at all those beautiful shoes. I know they're made from animals, but wow! If only I didn't already have a pair of shoes.

What a wonderful dinner. What a beautiful family. Someone get a picture of me with my arm around this steak. You're certainly in a good mood tonight, Dad. Well, Lisa, I managed to solve a little problem today.

"thou crush-ed our reviewing stand "and twixt thy stones glimpsed I the truth. "All things must pass, thy face, my youth." Oh, wow. I haven't cried like this since the third Mr. Teeny died. You couldn't hold a candle to him.

Every note is a dagger in my heart. I got to get out of here. Moe's Tavern home of the Super Sunday Brunch Spectacular. Ohh! Baloney. Bread! Got you down for 40 bucks.

You promised me no one would get hurt!

Ohh! Milhouse has BonestorM! This is great! And all I've done is enter my name-- Thrillhouse!

What's interesting is you'll continue losing money even after you're dead. Your grave sites will go untended and vandalized. Ha-ha! Mr. Simpson, your intelligence profile indicates that you're too... "stupid" to stick to a budget. Yes. Go on. So, let me put this simply. You need more money.

You with the crane, spin around real fast.

Listen carefully, and watch me wink as I speak, okay? Okay. The guy I'm really looking for-- wink--

I'm sane now. Dear Bart, I am using the stationery Mom and Dad gave me for my birthday to inform you that we are now brother and sister in name only.

It's cute, but I'm sure it's very sharp and probably dirty. Dirty, maybe. Dangerous, hardly. These are the latest, state-of-the-art, animatronic robots. They have sensors that ensure they only attack each other, never the guests.

Maggie! Please, Maggie.

Uh-oh. Sorry. Let me just get my girlfriend, and I'll go. Hey, Crystal, wake up!

Airport Refueling Way. Rural Route 9. Army Proving Ground. Um, excuse me, sir? When does this bus get to the museum? It doesn't. Oh. But isn't this the 22? Yeah, Monday, Wednesday, Friday.

Not anymore. You got yourself a deal. Quiet. You're breaking character. Are those real cobras? Some are real. Some are just robots filled with venom.

Hey, what the-- I'm up! I'm up! Ah, he's more clever than he looks.

Bart Simpson. "Name of bride," Lotta Cooties. (LAUGHING MALICIOUSLY)

- Yes! - Thanks, Dad. Isn't this that cartoon that causes seizures? Bart, what are you doing? Hey, what the-- Hmm. All right.

Hey, no problem. Accidents happen. (GRUNTS) (GROANS) One, two, three, four! I declare a nail war! This is why I got into roofing! (BOTH LAUGHING) NED: Hey, Homer! Ned, are you okay?

with dreams of being a rock star or a photographer for Playboy. Then bam! Some babe gets her claws in you- Huh? And boom, you got a bunch of kids that always needs love. So whammo, you get stuck in some boring job...

Well, well. Look who it is-- Mr. "I Don't Need Alcohol to Enjoy Life." We hate 'im, right, fellas? Moe, gimme a beer. Hey, everybody! Homer's back.

It's a little thick, but the price is right. Thanks, Mom. But I told you, I'm not going. Oh, so you don't have a date. You can still go and have a wonderful time. You don't understand. I don't belong there. The other girls are already into fashion and makeup and dating.

We've met you many times, Miss Naegle. Why do you keep changing jobs? I'm a sexual predator. Oh. Now, how may I best dispense with you today? We've been charged for calls to Brazil that we didn't make. We are not paying this bill. Fine. I'll cut off your service! Fine. I'll cut off your ponytail! Homer.

Ta-ta! Bye, everybody! Bye-bye! Sayonara, dudes. So long!

(CHANTING) Strike! Strike! Lisa, what are you doing? This is the kind of trouble-making I expect from your brother. You do? Cool. A blank check for mayhem.

Here's the grapes, and here's the wrath. Ew! Ha-ha!

How about here? Not if we want that vacation. Look, Mom. They have your dress. Thirty-three cents? I paid almost double that. Blue?

Hmm. Shall I cross the final frontier? What's this? "Stolen funds. Pothole money used for swimming pool"? There's no emoticon for what I'm feeling!

Hey, Red Hot Chili Peppers, would you guys like to appear on a Krusty the Clown special? Sure, if you can get us out of this gig. No problemo. Hey, Moe, look over there. What? What am I lookin' at? I don't see nothin'. I'm gonna stop looking soon.

Ooey, gooey rich and chewy inside golden, flaky tender, cakey outside Mm. Wrap the inside in the outside - is it good Darn tootin'! Doin' the big fig newton Here's the tricky part.

His arm! Oh, my special little guy! Are you okay?

Damn! I shouldn't have eaten the mint first. Okay, hop on. Wait! Wait! Get him!

Boy, you hate lotus flowers too. Don't get me started on lotus flowers. No. No, it is the sign that it is time for my arranged marriage. Oh, well, congratulations. No, no, no. Don't you know what it means? Not... really.

Well, he's had it in for me ever since I kinda ran over his dog. You did? Well, replace the word "kinda" with the word "repeatedly"... and the word "dog" with "son." Look, Marge. I'll just talk to Apu, and I'm sure he'll be reasonable.

Ha-ha! (CHANTING) You're sad at Christmas. This just in, Santa Claus is dead. (SCREAMING) Or he might as well be because there's an even fatter man who's holding families at nice-point.

Now I'd like to say one last thing to our Olympic representatives. If there was a medal for horrible audiences, you'd get the gold. Peace out.

Hey, I'm not a time burglar. "Memo to self: Lock door." All right, I'll go. You don't have to be a jerk about it. "Memo to self: Shut up, Lisa." Hmm. "Thank you in advance for a world-class meal.

There's also this report of a shipment of drugs... and illegal weapons coming into New jersey tonight.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Where's my gummi de Milo? Okay, don't panic. She can't have gotten far. She has no arms. I'm sure it'll turn up. Take the babysitter home now. She's been sitting in the car for 20 minutes. Relax, Marge. There's plenty for her to do in there. See? She's having the time of her life.

Hey, the batteries are missing from this thing. Yeah. We borrowed 'em for the radio. BOTH: Skyrockets in flight, afternoon delight Rub-a-dub-dub, I'm washing the flub

Wait a minute. There's something bothering me about this place.

Boil him in oil! So no 10:30 show? Let us kill the English. Their concept of individual rights... could undermine the power of our beloved tyrants.

4y f TIA Rock Theme f We nowreturn... to Robo Trouble. Oh, /'m sorry. [mean Robot Rumble.

Just like Cinderella The prince solved the mystery Well, I conducted the test myself And that slip looks just the right size for me Well, I like that girl - She's the cutest little thing - I know Plus, she likes me back

I'm sorry, Lisa, but giving everyone an equal part... when they're clearly not equal is called what again, class? Communism! That's right.

Here's Springfield as it appears from space. Somewhere in this windy valley is the Lost Dutchman's Mine. Young man, that appears to be a picture of your rear end. So long, suckers!

Oh. Aah! Death!

- Uh-oh. Stop ! - Mmm ! Lunchtime ! Ha, ha, ha ! Lunchtime ! Aah ! Lunchtime, Bart. It's lunchtime. I ain't gonna get out of the fourth grade alive.

and your first kiss from A boy Lisa, it's your birthday happy birthday, Lisa Lisa, it's your birthday happy birthday, Lisa Take it away, Lise.

We're here ! Too bad we didn't come dressed as popular cartoon characters. This looks like a discount for... Bartman ! - Who are you supposed to be ? - I'm Bartman. Never heard of him. Full price.

"Let your children run wild and free." Now, boy, run back to the embassy! Back to American soil! Yes! I'll stop them!

How come you were a sergeant and he was only a private? Well, he got busted down for obstructing a probe from J. Edgar Hoover. We got stuck with him. Now they'll never save your brain, Hitler.

Oh. Thank God it's the right place. I burst into four homes before this one.

has been rated TV "G." This means there will be no raunchy NBC-style sex... or senseless CBS-style violence. So sit back and enjoy a night of worry-free--

This book has all the classic cons. There's the Pigeon Drop, the Ear Wigger, the Brillstein grab-- Do they have any father-and-son grifts? Well, there's the Albany Ham Scam. Interesting. Oh, wait. Here we go.

Well, okay. If it'll end horror.

Homer has many, many horrible problems. These shadows are brain lesions resulting from numerous blows to the head.

It's okay, Marge. I've learned my lesson. A mountain of sugar is too much for one man. It's clear now why God portions it out in those tiny packets, and why he lives on a plantation in Hawaii.

I've let my organ lust come between me and my son. (WEEPING) Well, it's not too late. You can still fly to Stockholm. Well, it better be first class. Comic Book Guy's ass won't fit in coach. You may keep my posterior. Just please return the "Jabba the Butt" tattoo.

- Move your damn butt. - Bite me. Come on! Somebody crash!

For details, log onto peta.org. (MOANS)

Hey, Alison, what's the answer to number nine? I can't tell you, Ralph. I can't tell you either, Ralph. Leave me alone. - Brainiac! - Nerd! - Geekazoid. Leave me alone.

(RAP MUSIC PLAYING) A-blowin' reveille He's the boogie woogie bugle boy of Company B Check out the well-aged beef.

It's a good program. just give it a chance. That's all I ask. It won't come down for months! Curse the man who invented helium! Curse Pierre jules Cesar janssen! Now to find out who did this.

Ahh. A duet of pleasures. I am the Wondrous Wizard of Latin! I am a dervish of declension and a conjurer of conjugation, with a million hit points and maximum charisma! Ah-ha! Morire: To die!

Stupid Bart-toon. Hey, Bart-toon. That's clever. I'm gonna kill him.

Suddenly appear Hey, get that truck out of here! You mean, it ate Patrick too? It ate everybody. What about Erica? It ate everybody! It ate everybody, stupid!

I can't tell you, Ralph. I can't tell you either, Ralph. Leave me alone. - Brainiac! - Nerd! - Geekazoid. Leave me alone.

We need the outlet for our rock tumbler.

Well, the Yaqui Indians brew a special tea that unlocks memories. It would be a good excuse to use my Yaqui tea set. Mmm.

Why did the clown cross the road ? To rob a Kwik-E-Mart. The news story behind that enigmatic half-joke right after this commercial message. Wait a minute. Bart, you know that guy on your lunch box ? Oh, you mean, Krusty the Clown ? He's sort of a hero of yours, isn't he ?

Well, I've got an idea. Why don't you run a hamster through a maze? Help me! Help me! What's so funny? Oh. Uh,

na-na, na-na, na-na, na-na leader na-na, na-na, na-na, na-na leader na-na, na-na, na-na, na-na leader leader, leader batman i mean-- Leader I love the Leader.

Marge, I've got 2½ words for you. Gulp 'n' Blow. Yeah, what do you want? My husband by my side. You want fries with that? Homer?! Marge?! Homer! Marge!

Hee, hee, hee! Here are some supervised activities we can all do together. "Future Veterans of Foreign Wars," "The 5-H Club." 5-H? They had to admit homosexuals. Hmm.

I didn't get my Christmas bonus. I tried not to let it ruin Christmas for everybody, but no matter what I did-- Hey, everybody, look what we got ! A dog ! All right, Dad ! God bless him. So love at first sight is possible.

The food at the Gilded Truffle really, uh-- What's a good word? Sucks! That's great!

This is so cool, Bart. We're just like Woodward and Bernstein. Yeah, except their dad wasn't waiting in the car reading Archie comics. Stuck-up Riverdale punks! Think they're too good for me! You're on the right track. Follow the names. How the hell do you know?

When do we want it? Over the next three years! Uh, young lady, why are you protesting today? Because this lab is cruelly testing consumer products on animals. Take a look for yourself. They're making monkeys smoke cigarettes.

Get him! Get him! Let's get him. What if we switched wives? Would that help? For the last time, no. Hello! Our ticket to freedom.

You know, I never walk out of a movie, but, yuck! I've got an idea, Mr. Simpson. Why don't you get somethin' to eat from our food truck? - Hey! - M-Mr. Simpson? You've gotta give me the part of Krispy the Clown! I'm sorry! You're wrong for the part.

Eh, eh, eh, eh. Hey, try to keep it down, guys. Okay ? Hey, shut up. Open the door and lie on the floor said Barnacle Bill the sailor Hmm.

Bye, buh-bye, buh-bye. Thank you for choosing our church. Buh-bye.

You could close down moe's or the kwik-e-mart and nobody would care but the heart and soul of springfield's in

Let us say the Lord's Prayer 40 times, but first let's pass the collection plate. Looks like slim pickings today, Reverend. Oh, Lord. Uh, try the emergency plate, Ned. I don't think that's gonna do it. Um--

Oh, shush yourself. English - US - Line 21

Well, children, it's Saturday night, so... what say we let our hair down and play Bombardment-- Yea! of Bible Questions! Yea! Which version shall it be? St. james! The Vulgate of St. jerome!

l was tired of putting my keys in that bowl like a caveman. I finally harnessed the awesome power ofthe hook. Well, time for work. Mwah!

Whoa. Yes! Poor guy. He lost his leg. Oh, no, no. The fans will whoop it up with that leg tonight. You know, drink beer out of it and so on.

Why don't you play with one of Bart's video games instead? Hugh Downs says they're the latest craze.

and Mayors have been repeatedly humiliated.

Bart, you can come down to dinner as soon as you're ready to apologize to your sister.

Hasta la vista, baby! Hmm? Uhh! What the-- Eww! D'oh!

It's application day at Miss Wickerbottom's Pre-Nursery School. Pre-nursery school? The fast track begins at birth. That's it! Claw and bite for position! We have only enough tuition money for two. For the rest of you, better luck next life. That's a lot of pressure to put on a baby.

Yes. Were there any serious bids for this painting?

I don't understand it. I got them at the same place I buy Mother's dresses, and-- Good Lord! Mother's in the park! This I've gotta see. Oh, Marge, we were so close to winning the championship. Now, thanks to Burns, it's never gonna happen. And I spent so much time building that trophy case.

What's so funny? I was thinking about the time Homer caught his nose in the toaster. We'll watch the tape tonight. You got someone at your window. My name's Patty. I'll be testing you. When you do good, I use the green pen.

Ah, did you see that jerk? Dropped his notes!

These Colecos will rust up on you like that. Shut up, Gil. Close the deal. Close the deal. Relax, boy. We're not gonna cook you. Enjoy your day at the beach. Ooh! Look, here's a little playmate for you.

What I wouldn't give for something... to interrupt this awkward moment. That'll do nicely.

We certainly do.

Too many wee ones! This gets uglier every year. Any sign of Bart and Milhouse? No. And if they don't get here soon, it'll be T.S. for them. I don't feel right.

- Sweet dreams. - Thanks, Mom.

This is all my fault.

Dad, this one gesture almost makes up for years of shaky fathering. - Hey, look at me. - Whoa-ho. Bart, look. I will never get tired of this. I'm gonna have my wedding here.

Ah! A candy shop. Yes. I'll take two pounds of Bristol's toffee.

If you're here, then you've fallen asleep too. I'm not asleep. I'm just resting my eye-- Uh-oh. Good-bye, Bart. Good-bye, Lise. I hope you get reincarnated as someone who can stay awake for 15 minutes.

Sold! Hey, you can't that many pep pills at once. No problem. I'll balance it out with a bottle of sleeping pills.

Here. If you have any soul left, you'll need these. I know I will.

about meeting Aunt Selma's boyfriend. Before he gets here... I should tell you something about him-- something disturbing. Ooh! Ooh! eyugh! Aunt Selma has this crazy obsession... about not dying alone...

And a cement mixer full of hope and some cement. Oh, it's wonderful! I-i-- I don't know how I can possibly repay you. But if any of you ever need a favor, just look for the happiest man in Springfield! No, no, not me, friends. He's talking about himself. But thanks for looking!

Now, sir, you've never seen me before, is that correct? That is correct. How come his face is on the bottle? Um. Um.

Huh! Overnight bag. No husband in sight. It's happened. She left Homer? I'll get the Champale. And let's get that ring off. Whoa, whoa, whoa, Delilah. I didn't leave Homer, and I never will. I just need one night away from his snoring.

Honey, I know you wanna see japan, but we're down to our last million yen. Don't worry, ichiban. I'll show you something japanese. Oh, it's beautiful, Dad. It's a crane. The japanese believe they bring good luck.

Simpson. Hot diggity! I don't care if it's bad news. Oh, Grampa, you're not busy, are you? Well, you're really asking two questions there.

The only stipulation is that you spend one night... in a haunted house. Oh. Isn't that somewhat unusual? No. It's a standard clause. Well, luckily, there's no such thing as ghosts.

Hang on there, big fella. We'll save you. This ain't personal. I just love to scrimshaw. (SCREAMS) Judgment Day is at hand.

But, Dad! Whoa! Okay, if you're gonna live in my room, you're gonna obey my rules. One: I am Bart, thy god.

Good gravy, what have I done ? Keep your left arm straight, Bart. Rotate your shoulders. Dad ! Look, son, all I'm asking is that you try. Okay, I'll try. Anybody can try ! I want you to win !

So I can open my own can of pudding, can I? Shows what you know, Marge. Marge!

It could always be a little better. Honey, this is your moment in the sun. And I couldn't be more pleased for your happiness. (WHIMPERS) Why was I born?

Aah! It's the Rapture! Quick! Get Bart out of the house before God comes!

Ha-ha! Ha-ha! Ha-ha!

I think these are my Homie's size. Excuse me. Can I ask you a favor? Perfect! I'll take it! Um, we'll do that.

Look, maybe this whole thing will blow over. It didn't blow over, Marge. Nothing ever blows over for me.

You have to learn that there's a little Homer Simpson in all of us, and I'm going to have to live without your respect and awe. The only reason I'm telling you this is... I'm going to be leaving you. But don't worry.

Hey, it worked! Well, we were lucky this time. But it's all too clear that some things in this universe... aren't meant to be trifled with. Homer, what are you doing? Something I should have done a long time ago. I'll teach you to mess with my machine!

Why don't we stop this nonsense? I'm not mad anymore. Me neither. I'm just enjoying some world-class tennis. You know, there's a lesson here for all of us-- It's better to watch stuff than to do stuff. Amen. After the tournament, let's go out for a nice family dinner.

And maybe they're right, but the fact of the matter is, bones heal, chicks dig scars,

I'm sorry, sir. Your car's still blocked in. Well, I guess Flanders doesnt have aii the luck. So we'll let you drive home in the Wienermobile. - ii - Well, hot dog! - Yay! - That cuts the mustard with me. Oh, it's not fair.

Good Lord, Mother! I can see your... figure. Oh, you see a lot more when you do my daily mole check. What I do for my allowance money is nobody's business. He's not nobody. He might even be your new daddy.

Whoo! Oh, Seymour!

Now, boys and girls, who knows what this is? Triangle. Very good, Bart! You have first choice of toys for free-play. Cool! I call the Flintstone phone! Yabba dabba doo! I like talkin' to you!

Simpson, eh? New man? Actually, sir, he thwarted your campaign for governor, you ran over his son, he saved the plant from meltdown, and his wife painted you in the nude-- Eh, doesn't ring a bell.

"Drunk Cop"- Is that you? No. Look lower. Ooh, pie. What can I do for you? My name is Homer Simpson and I desperately need your help. Let me guess. ts about a girl. How did you know? ts always a dame. Usually with gams that dont quit...

Homer, stop that. It's just a weather station. Come on, Marge. It's fun to smash things. I smashed it good. You got real "Purdy" hair.

I can't wait another hour! What's keeping that stupid comet? There it is.

Lenny, without that dental plan, you wouldn't have that diamond in your tooth. Yoink! Hey! And, Gummy joe, where would you be without that dental plan?

I used to be lcyst- until a friend turned me onto a book. A book that changed my life. ts called Lisa is Stupid. You die now! Whoa! Hey!

And when Mr. Dinkley saw what I had done, I was banned from the car wash forever. Forever? How awful! I would have killed Dinkley for that. As you can see, we're a contemptible lot of cads, bounders and tiger stabbers. Come, stranger. join our circle of infamy.

Maggie, can you point to the monkey? What do babies know? Maggie, can you point to the credenza?

And the healthy snacks are on their way. You can't take our doughnuts! Yaah! Right. Anyone else want to be a hero? Ooh. Marge, I'm giving you a raise and a new office...

Well, if you're so sure what it ain't, how about tellin' us what it am?

He's learned his lesson. Let's get him a present. Please, Homer. Why do I always have to be the bad guy? All right, all right. Young man, since you broke Grampa's teeth, he gets to break yours. Oh, this is gonna be sweet.

If that was an oncoming vehicle, you'd be dead now. Next ! But, uh-- But driving is my livelihood. Oh, take it like a man. Friends, relatives, work-related acquaintances, we are gathered here today to join Stanley and Martha...

We'll talk about it later, okay? No! Traitors! Uh-oh. I don't think they saw me.

Oh, I've got a bunch, Homer, but-- I just don't feel right. Oh, Lord, what should I do? Keep Gaming. What? It means gambling. Keep gambling. Oh. Right-eo.

Oh, I don't think Mr. Burns would like that show. What's the matter? Think I'm not hip? I don't have enough vo-dee-o-do? Thank you, Knickknack and Paddywhack, the Siamese midgets. We'll be sure to catch your new series on Fox.

Gonna be on towards the end of the flight. Toga! Toga! Toga 2,000! Marge, they stole my idea. Welcome to Japan, folks. The local time is... tomorrow.

I've heard 'em all. "I like you as a friend." "I think we should see other people." "I no speak English." I get the idea. "I'm married to the sea." "I don't wanna kill you, but I will." Honey! Honey, I'd tell this boy that you're very flattered, but you're just not ready for this kind of thing.

Allow me to present the Dimoxinil action set in its entirety. A six-month supply of the drug, the gravity boots, scalp massager and your T-shirt.

There you are, old pal. I finally found ya. Who the hell are you? I'm this dog's owner. I raced him at the greyhound track under the name Santa's Little Helper. Good times. Well, he's not yours anymore. You threw him out on Christmas Eve.

All right, let's get this geezer out quick so we can bring in the lesbian gladiators. You see, white people have names like Lenny, whereas black people have names like Carl. Zoom! Now, Mr. Rude, I just want you to know I'm a good sport.

until they could take no more and surrendered. No, they didn't. They attacked us in a horribly bloody battle. Remember?

- Hello ! - Hello. You may not remember me. I'm Homer Simpson. I mooned for rebuttal. Yes, I remember. So, um, you want to go out with me ? Well, I, uh-- I don't think you're my type.

Wait a minute. What's going on?

Act like Burns. (LAUGHS) That's him to a tee! Here we have a vintage film of the original Springfield Wing Walkers including our own Agnes Skinner.

Hey, Ma. I'm gonna get me a picture of this crazy critter. Ah!

Hey, Bart. Watch this. Oh, no! My favorite outfit!

Do you mind if I say a few words? Oh, "Me, me, me. I need all the attention... just because it's my party," eh? Please don't make me retire. My job is the only thing that keeps me alive.

That's my boy. How'd it go ? You know, Marge, we got a pretty good kid there. Well, he's got a pretty good father. Where is he ? I thought he said noon.

Well, I'm done for. At least I'll leave a beautiful corpse. Whoa!

Great story. Positively spellbinding. Work, damn you. Work ! Bart, pay attention ! You may be telling this to your own son one day if something breaks. Ooh. Lost a few. Oh. Well, there's plenty more where that came from.

Well, let's define our terms, gentlemen. Are we talking about redistricting or are we talking about reapportionment? Oh, well, can't win 'em all. We interrupt this public affairs program to bring you a football game. Yes!

Boy, you hate lotus flowers too. Don't get me started on lotus flowers. No. No, it is the sign that it is time for my arranged marriage. Oh, well, congratulations. No, no, no. Don't you know what it means?

I always wondered if there was a God, and now I know. There is, and it's me. You're not a god, Homer. Remember, Dad, all glory is fleeting. So? Beware the Ides of March. No.

They almost drove me to fortified wine. Then we figured out we could park them in front of the TV. That's how I was raised, and I turned out TV. I'd see 'em sitting on that couch all day long, just staring at that Hollywood hogwash. Our favorite show was Hollywood Hogwash, but we also loved The Dreck Squad.

Let me caution the people in the first five rOwS-- You will get wet.

Good morning, world!

Tabouleh and rezmi-kabob. Uh, that's our chef, Christopher.

Ah! Mmm. Alcohol and night swimming. It's a winning combination. Ooh. Uh-oh. Sharks-- the assassins of the sea! Ooh. Hey, you're not sharks. You're dolphins-- the clowns of the sea.

They pee in a cup and throw it on you! I saw it in a movie. You won't be seeing any prison movies where you're going-- prison!

Unless it was that time he kept falling down the cliff. I won't jump anymore. I promise. Oh, thank God! Thank God! Thank God! I love you, Dad. I love you too, son. You know, boy, I don't think I've ever felt as close to you as I do right-- Huh? Wha-wha-- Huh? Huh?

(GRUNTS) (BOTH GASPING) (BOTH PANTING) Oh, Dad. How I'll miss your cap, your walking stick, your plaster base. ABE: I'm down here, you idiot. Dad! Where's your base? Don't worry about that.

Hmm. Larry: 3.2 kilograms. - Fascinating! - Ah. The answers to these and similar questions... can be found at the Springfield Knowledgeum, a hands-on learning environment... opening this Saturday.

That Sideshow Mel thinks he's so big.

And not the kind that attacked my intestinal lining some years back. So let's get your franchise up and running. Start by setting up an office... in your basement or garage. Whoa!

We're going to watch a show... about the everyday problems of angels. Now back to Good Heavens.

Flanders! Stop that! Eyes bigger than your stomach, eh, wolfie?

We'll live in a trailer, but to avoid paying for parking,

No, no, no! Ohh.

and the motel where we'll be spending the night. You'll have to put Maggie to bed now, but Bart and Lisa can stay up for another hour. Until then, they can watch a tape from our video library. Oh, boy ! The Happy Little Elves Meet the Curious Bear Cub. Oh, the Elves ! The Elves ! Bye, kids ! Watch out for the boy.

Santa was in an awful pickle. Beatniks had given drugs to the reindeer and they were no darn good. So Santa placed a call to Secretary of Defense Melvin Laird. Jimmy Stewart as a puppet is just wrong.

Bart is the shamus in short pants who sent me to prison. Your new boyfriend here framed Krusty the Clown... for armed robbery. If some snot-nosed little kid sent me to prison...

She's been sitting in the car for 20 minutes. Relax, Marge. There's plenty for her to do in there. See? She's having the time of her life. So, a graduate student, huh? How come you guys can go to the moon, but you can't make my shoes smell good? I'm sorry? Ah, nobody's blaming ya. Hey, could you take the wheel for a second?

Our phone bill is $400. They've charged us for a call to Brazil. Boy, did you make a prank call to Brazil? No, sir. I didn't. Choke on your lies! I'll teach you to-- Homer, they must've made a mistake.

Hey, where do you get those metal dealies for his feet? You mean horseshoes? Hey, what's with the attitude? I just want some dealies. You really think that horse can run a mile and a half? He ran all the way here.

Your box made promises of a "vacational" nature, and I expect you to live up to them. We won't though. Sir, with all due respect, an old box of cookies is not a legal contract. Ow! My eye! Is that our fault? We're in big, big trouble. He could sue us. It was defective string. Yeah, and it's got very sharp corners.

When someone becomes an inconvenience, we just get rid of them? Hello? Is anybody there? Aww! All right. We'll give the dogs one more chance.

Man, this is crazy. I hope I didn't brain my damage. I better check my pupils.

Yeah? Well, you're gay. People who accuse others of being gay are often covering up their own latent homosexuality. Um, uh... (GRUNTS) Bullies rule! The school sent this dealie over for Maggie. His name is Phonic Frog.

but at least this didn't happen after you were married.

highway to hell I'm on the highway to hell no stop signs, speed limit

To me You are so beautiful To me Can't you see oh ! You're everything that I hoped for I'm everything you need

(ALL CHEERING) TOM: Overseas, the reaction tonight is decidedly different. Simpsons be praised! Praise be to Springfield!

That's cool. Dad's heading straight for the Museum of Swordfish! That museum has been nothing but trouble since it opened. Must... save... buffoon.

Now for the traditional lowering of the bodies into the coffins. And that was Tom and Huck's last adventure. I liked that story, 'cause I was a judge. Delaware!

I'll get it. Talk to me. You have got to end this thing, Seymour. We're not coming down until our jobs are reinstated... and you acknowledge and celebrate our love. No one would like to celebrate your love more than I. But I am a public servant, and not permitted to use my own judgment in any way.

Easement! Time's up. You may now undermine each other's confidence.

people are becoming a bit confused... by the way you and your opponent are, well, constantly holding hands. We are merely exchanging long protein strings. If you can think of a simpler way, I'd like to hear it.

All right, we won't get the chair. Now excuse me while I kiss the sky. Hmm...

The new, improved Kidz Newz has been canceled. Stay tuned for The Mattel And Mars Bar Quick Energy Chocobot Hour.

We don't need to get married again. Yes, we do! I got us a divorce this afternoon. What?

Dad, I wouldn't go outside if I were you. Don't worry, boys. He's gotta come out of there sometime.

I have a funny story, if you listen. I even wrote theme music. Listen. Hey. Hey. Professor Frink Professor Frink He'll make you laugh He'll make you think He likes to run and then the thing with the Person Oh, boy. That monkey is going to pay.

Out of my way! I'm Hitler! Oh! Oh! Man, that hurts!

The greatest band since music's birth"? Isn't this song a little boastful? No one told me there was gonna be boasting. Just take it from the top.

when the bough breaks the cradle Will fall and down Will come baby cradle and all

Now, you tell me the truth. What's your real dream? Your real dream! Um, someday I'd like to own the Dallas Cowboys. I bet people laughed at you when you told 'em that dream. Yeah. Homer, don't give up. They laughed at me the first time I wore jeans with a sport coat. I was the first wealthy man in America to ever do that. Now they all do it!

Now, the only antidote to a zany scheme... is an even zanier scheme! Why does it have to be zany? I've got it! We're gonna fix it so you guys save the dean's life. Perfect.

D'oh! Homer, you didn't do... a very good job frosting Maggie's birthday cake. What? It's not "Magaggie's" birthday? Oh. Hey! Hey! Hey! Stop it! I made a special cake for you to ruin.

Cyohl w'w'f Get Smart Theme]

Oh! Look, Son. Daddy got in shape. Oh. I've gotta keep trying. Or I could just move that picture.

Wow! Can I see your club? It's called a baton, son. What's it for? We club people with it.

And chronic nagging, nagging, nagging, nagging, nagg-- Sorry. It does that sometimes. Nagging. Nagging.

It hurts! It hurts! Owee! Owee! Owee! Ow! Mm-hmm. Young man, this stress fracture... will require you to be in a cast for six weeks. That means I can't possibly race. You're lucky to be alive. Save your palliative cliches for the next poor sap, Doctor. Is it okay to visit?

Get off the bus or forever hold your peace, little dudes ! Otto, you know I respect you. You always let us throw stuff at cars and try to tip the bus on sharp turns. Heh. Damn thing never goes over, does it ? Ah ! So, what's in your head, little man ?

Eh, looks like I needs some fuel for me mule, gas fer me ass. Ah, looks like a little angel. Now to save me Marge.

This is your chance to get a fair shake for the workingman. And make lifelong connections to the world of organized crime. Hmm. Organized crime.

Please welcome Declan Desmond.

That's what I call breakneck speed. Mom, a man just died. Anyway, it's time for the church picnic. What? They had a picnic last week. No, they didn't. You just brought a bucket of chicken to church.

Your appearance is comical to me. I'm a nerd! So am I! Yeah. Another day, another box of stolen pens. Have a good night, Homer. You too.

(GURGLING) Ling! (GIGGLING) If we can just get to the Delta Airlines Gold Medallion Lounge, they can't get in without spending frequent flyer miles.

You liked Rashomon. That's not how I remember it. Besides, if we wanna see Japanese people, - we could have gone to the zoo. - Homer! What? The guy who washes the elephants is japanese. His name is Takashi. He's in my book club. Look, Mom. The safety instructions are written in haiku.

I swear I'm gonna slice your heart in half.

You talk pretty tough for a man without health insurance. I'm on federal assistance. Aaah!

Homer. Homer. Make them stop. Uh, Mr. Burns. Mr. Burns. Shut up and wreck something. Mr. Burns, I hardly see... what destroying our meager possessions is going to accomplish. She's right. Take me home, Smithers.

but your city is infested with bears! Yeah. And these ones are smarter than the average bear. They swiped my "pic-a-nic" basket. Think of the children!

Please order or Miss Dench'll be furious. She'll beat us, she will. JUDI DENCH: Who are you talking to? TEEN: No one, Mum! I swear! JUDI DENCH: I'll "mum" you! (CRYING OUT IN PAIN) TEEN: Blimey! Well, Marge. You gotta admit, I've been on my best behavior this trip.

This is the only place that's 200 feet from Lisa but still on our property. (MOANING) Oh!

Excellent. Yes! Whoo-hoo! We won! We won!

- Is not. Is not. - Is too. Is too.

Phil Angelides!

Lis, in these crazy, topsy-turvy times, who's to say what's right or wrong ? But right now my gut's telling me, bleed Gramps dry. Ah, Mr. and Mrs. Simpson. Welcome. Hello, Reverend. We're glad we could come. Hello, Helen. Hello, Marge. Why, Homer Simpson. Here to give your marriage a little spit shine ?

Sir, I'm honored to inform you that you've won the Nobel Prize. The Nobel Prize? Finally! So, it's for what? My whole deal? This is Professor John Frink, isn't it? If I say no, do I still win? I'll tell Professor Frink he's won. (SPEAKING SWEDISH)

oh, shake, shake, shake shake, shake, shake shake your booty shake your booty - Shh!

Mom, that's blasphemy. I'll say a rosary for you. Don't you touch bead one! (GRUNTS) Homer, maybe we should be concerned. Catholics can be a peculiar bunch. No birth control, no meat on Friday. No meat? What do they eat? Light bulbs? Let's just change the subject.

Backed up by solar power. (GROANS) Three, four, pick up the floor Five, six, don't play tricks Seven, eight, clean your plate Nine, ten, start over again! Look, Maggie. Funny Daddy! (GROANING)

Run, Daddy! Run! Open the door, Maude! I don't have time for the secret knock! Oh! I'm panicking, Neddy! I can't work the knob.

Hike. Oh, I should've punted. Turn it off. Turn it off.

I heard about the cartoons. Tough break, man. Thanks, Nelson.

What if I can get this guy off the hook? I mean, sh-should I do it? Honey, you should listen to your heart and not the voices in your head, like a certain uncle did one gray December morn.

You have the worst, lamest taste in music ever! I'm just trying to party with you guys. Homer, first of all, it's "par-tay," and second, we wouldn't "par-tay" with you... if you were the last dad on Earth.

Well, what do we have here? Looks like the biggest rip-off since Webster. Please, Mr. Coleman. We can explain.

Someone is charging room service to the company, sir. Well, we'll just see about that. Fly, my pretties. Fly! Continue the research.

In light of the damning testimony from your fellow gangsters, your father, your teachers... and a seemingly endless parade of emotionally shattered baby-sitters, - this court has no choice but to-- - Stop! Principal Skinner! I thought he was dead. I suppose you're all wondering where I've been. It all started a week ago.

Out of my way! I'm Hitler!

(STAMMERING) Come on, son! You can fight this! Do the Bartman! Do the Bartman!

All rightilly-dightilly. Hey, Flanders. Hidilly-ho, neighboreeno! Shut up! Okilly-dokilly. So, Ned, you're having a family reunion and you didn't invite me? Oh, gosh, Homer. This is strictly a Flanders affair. I got family here from around the globe.

Stupid non-magical son can't pay to fix my car. Hey, Homer! Check it out! What the-- Is that a steak? Yeah. I know a little place. Who gave you all this money? Mmm, people. I guess they thought I was a charity case. Really?

What's going on? Homer, don't talk with your mouth full. I've told you before, it's rude. Oh, ho. Trouble in paradise. Hey, Marge. It's that guy who couldn't get any off ya. How would you all like to take a ride with me? Eh, you're the old flame.

The Pacific Ocean!

I'm Hugh jazz. Telephone. This is Hugh jazz. Uh... hi. Who's this? Bart Simpson. What can I do for you? This is a crank call that backfired and I'd like to bail out right now. Better luck next time. Hmm, what a nice young man. I'm sorry you're mad, but this isn't personal.

Mm-hmm. Sometimes I forget that we have things... a little better than the Simpsons. I drag him over here. He has a few beers. - You can't blame him for erupting. - Mm-hmm. And then I turn into a snarling beast. Talk about flunking the old turn-the-other-cheek test. Well, Ned, maybe I'm not the one you should be talking to. You're right.

"Clown College"? You can't eat that.

Sweet dreams, honey. Uh, Mom? Will you help me with my project? I need to make a working model of the digestive system. Of course, honey. Thanks. It's due tomorrow. Tomorrow? Well, that's too bad, mister. I'm not gonna bail you out this time. You're right, Mom. I understand.

Come on. Come to papa.

My name is Cesar. This is my nephew, Ugolin. You may find life here at the chateau hard, but if you shut up and do exactly what we say, the time will pass more quickly. - He's right, you know. - Well, okay, sir. Adil ? Mother ?

No. Yes, this should provide adequate sustenance for the Doctor Who marathon. You'll feel better knowing your money's... - in the hands of professionals. - "ook, ook." Are you folks ready to go ape? Mom? A professional in an ape mask is still a professional.

So, you want ventriloquism, do ya?

Ha! Mrs. Krabappel, I-- I didn't-- Attention. This is Principal Skinner, your principal, with a message from the principal's office. All students please proceed immediately to an assembly... in the Butthead Memorial Auditorium. Damn it, I wish we hadn't let the students name that one.

You see there? He's fine. Ooh, look at him go. Oh, I'm so hungry. Oh, why keep starving myself? No one cares.

What about a hot air balloon?

No on 24. No on 24. No on 24. No on 24.

We're just gonna trash the new Springfield too. Yeah, but what are you gonna do? If you need me, I'll be at Moe's. Hi, Moe. Hey, Homer. Do yourself a favor. Don't turn around.

Scum, freezebag! I mean, freeze, scumbag. You cant write stuff like that. See, that's why sitcoms are dying. - Chief, it's just a ham. - Oh, thank goodness.

Ew! Don't mind me, boys. just scrubbin' my undies. Sorry, Bart. Your dad kinda blew the fantasy. I only like it when I'm pretend-scared. Keep up the roughhousing, Son. Without a strong male presence in the house, you could turn sissy overnight.

I wash myself with a rag on a stick. Whoo-ooh-ooh. Euw! Mom! This whole thing is really creepy.

Oh, well, okay. But can we make it quick ? Nice to meet you, ma'am.

Next? (GRUNTS) Can you make me look like this?

Groovy, dude. Burn down the barbershops! I hate America! Lieutenant! Lieutenant Smash!

Quit riding the brake. Give it some gas, man. Hey, this is fun, isn't it? We're going to die, aren't we?

Oh, I need some coffee before I black out.

Do we have any alcoholics among us?

Why didn't someone tell me? Oh, I've been making an idiot out of myself!

Well, Ned, how do you feel? I feel... fine. You don't feel... angry? Absotively not-arinO! How do you feel about me? Pretty darn diddilly-doodilly good!

Okay. Go, boy! Go find help. Go find help, boy. No! Bad dog! Bad dog! Oh. Don't worry, Maggie. I'll think of something.

So, uh, what are you in for ? I'm a political prisoner. Last time I ever take a stand. Well, I'm here for being me. Every day I show up, act like me, and they slap me in here.

I'm very mad at 'ou.

I always wondered if there was a God, and now I know. There is, and it's me. You're not a god, Homer. Remember, Dad, all glory is fleeting. So? Beware the Ides of March. No. Dad, I know you think you're happy now, but it's not gonna last forever. Everything lasts forever. Don't you see? Getting what you want all the time...

stems from a deep-seated psychological trauma. With nowhere else to turn, we went to see the school psychologist. Mr. and Mrs. Simpson, there's nothing to be alarmed about.

I am out of here! That's it! Go to your room!

let us begin our reenactment of the Battle of Gettysburg. Homer, you can't just keep hanging out with these colobus monkeys. Somebody's gonna get parasites. Oh, Marge, kids, I miss my club. Oh, Homie.

And the Emmy goes to... I don't believe this...

Hey, this place rocks! What'd you say your name was? Didn't. It's Lisa. I'm Erin.

Let's go. New tires. Come on. Come on. We're goin' as fast as we can, m-- Hey, who are you? Oh, how rude of me. My name is-- My bad.

Another tragedy prevented by gun violence!

is Alan... the cowboy.

I am the champions I am the champions No time for losers 'Cause I am the champions Of the world Uh-oh. Hi, honey.

The only they're good for is telling women what to do with their bodies. What these boys need is adult supervision. You are so right, Ned. There won't be a single minute... where Bart's not under the watchful eye of myself or-- Homer, get over here. Look at me. I'm Brian Epstein. Now I'm Michael Jackson.

Well, I was hiding in the kitchen when it all happened. Say it, Frenchy! Say "chowdah"! Never! Okay, you asked for it. I'm gonna enjoy this.

Well, there is a place called Nantucket.

- Can we go now ? - Sit down, Homer.

(CLANKING) (HOMER LAUGHING)

What have we become? We've given the word "mob" a bad name.

Lousy "Smarch" weather. "Do not touch Willie." Good advice. Huh? Our next budget item, $12 for doorknob repair. Nay!

Get it off of me! Dad, it's in there again! No! It's stuck on my hand! This shouldn't be too hard to fix-- with the right tools.

But Abe was stuck in his button-down... Plastic Fantastic Madison Avenue scene. Look at them sideburns! He looks like a girl. Now, johnny Unitas-- there's a haircut you could set your watch to. So, Mother Simpson, where did your newfound sense of irresponsibility take you? I soon found people who shared my views at the state college.

"You'll all get yours in hell, you lying, thieving"-- blanking blankers-- "Sincerely, Moe." Oh, great. Now we have to send him a card. I know you're used to getting hate mail, but I'm not. There's only one way out. We've gotta give this greedy town its money back.

You all need a serious lesson in teamwork. Maybe he does, but I don't. Hey, you take that back! No! You take that back! Hit him, Carl! You too, Lenny! D'oh!

Look at this flab! Look at it! - Oh, my God! Is that me? - Most assuredly, yes.

I had just caught the largest fish you'd ever seen, when I was abducted by a flying saucer!

It's one of Mother Earth's creatures. Homer, excuse yourself! No way, narc! Bodily functions are a natural thing. Not to mention hilarious. You know, I really don't appreciate being called a narc. And that poncho is filthy. Let me dry-clean it for you.

than boys, and when-- Hello, handsome.

For the First time in my life, people weren't laughing at me. They were laughing towards me.

But for a week, Bart will be highly infectious to others. Contagious? Outrageous! I got me some teachers to lick. Well, I don't know about that. But don't worry. While you're infectious, you will lead a normal life full of normal social interaction.

Octopussy. Man, I must have seen that movie... twice.

I can't believe your selfishness. You can go fishing anytime, but we're here trying to save our marriage.

I found some evidence that points to the real arsonist.

I was afraid of that. Well, good-bye, my gentle neighbor. You know, I've always wanted to tell you how much-- To continue talking, please deposit 10 cents. Aw, screw it.

Beware the wrath of Kwan.

I'm in here! Well, let's go. Okay, Chief. finally I realized if I was ever going to get out of there, I would have to do it myself. I formed a crude rocket from A discarded cigar tube. Remembering an experiment from my days as a science teacher, I concocted a fuel from baking soda and the juice of discarded leMon wedges.

Hooray, hooray Shh!

Hey, man. I didn't do anything wrong ! In times of trouble you've got to go with what you know. Now, hop to it, boy ! Thinks he's some big stupid Homer. Oh, man. I'll show him. He thinks he's so big.

I like it! Hey, how about Uncle Moe's Family Feedbag? I hate it.

Bart, why are you doing that? Our class is making refreshments for Skinner's party. These are in honor of his army days. That explains the flags. - What about the dog food? - My theory is Skinner likes dog food. Let's bake him a cake.

Get me down! Our top story: The ozone hole... that devastated Brazil last summer...

Hi there, neighbors. Uh, I'm George Bush. Former president George Bush? Oh, former president George Bush! Okay, let's give it up for the new guy! Now, let's all turn around and pay attention to me again.

Ohh ! Okay. Mmm. What were you like as a boy, Mr. Burns ? Did you have a dog that you loved ? Well-- D-aaah ! There's something on my leg ! Get it off ! Get it off ! Mr. Burns ! She's just a baby !

Thanks for poisoning the planet, bastard. Get bent. No more Chernobyls! Go to hell! I was doing my best to resist her,

Wait a minute. They're gonna kill Dad!

Settle down! I invited you guys here to help me with this report. Any ideas? Let's start off with a joke. I got one. Give me that. Uh, what's the difference between Pakistan and a pancake? I don't know any pancakes that were nuked by India! What? Too soon?

I just want it back.

Why, " my best friend- f Homer's Voice] Maggie. Huh?

Y'ello. Yes! Mental hospital? I don't know any Ned Flanders. The man who lived next door until his house blew down? Oh, him!

Well, at least we won the bike.

Uh, let's see, Bart's friends. Well, there's the fat kid with the thing. The little wiener who's always got his hands in his pockets. They want a name, not a vague description. Okay. Hank? Hank? Hank who? Hank... Jones. Homer, you made that up.

Nah. I'll just watch some TV. Now what you've been waitin' for: another long raga by Ravi "Shanker." Shankar. Shankar. Groovy, man. Huh?

I gave Mr. Burns the best years of my life... and how much respect does he give me? Slim to bupkes. Who’s this Burns guy? Somebody you work with? Moe, weve been complaining about him every night for eight years. Well, ifthis guy's riding your rump, why dont you slap him some payback?

I could do a lot of things if I had some money.

Hey! Sucker! Ow! We made it, son. International waters-- the land that law forgot.

Gotta be nice. Hostility- diddilly-diddilly-diddilly-- Aw, hell! Diddily-ding-dong crap! Can't you morons do anything right?

Brother, I sense you are feeling trapped and desperate. Yeah. And I got a bucket on my head.

Hey, Homer! The section you're supposed to be monitoring is on fire! Clowns are funny.

Was President Lincoln okay? He was fine.

This is most exciting Nobel Prize ceremony ever. I disagree. It must be tough to win the Nobel Prize and lose your father on the same day.

Oh, you're feisty. I'm gonna give you a Madonna cut.

Hey, I'm not a bum. Thanks, but I don't need-- Okay, if you insist, but-- Spare change, lady? Lousy cheapskate. So hungry. Can't leave car.

'Cause I'd be the most wack, tripped-out sanitation commissioner ever! Can you dig it? Mmm. Uh-- Wow. Look at him go. You're the real Lord of the Dance, Homer.

(CACKLES TO THE TUNE OF BEETHOVEN'S FIFTH SYMPHONY) (BEETHOVEN'S FIFTH SYMPHONY PLAYING)

I withdraw my question.

Marge, it's so great to have the whole family together under one roof. I never realized how much I missed it. Listen to the murmurs in the next room. The house is full of life again. Keep it down in there! All right, Dad! I'm sorry I left you alone with Homer and Bart.

As for the rest of it, I'm gonna buy the one thing I've been dreaming of... all the years I spent in the gutter: a solid gold house.

All right, read me back what I have so far, Mrs. Krabapatra. "Bird, bird, giant eye, pyramid, bird." Mm-hmm. Very good. Uh, giant eye, dead fish, cat head, cat head, cat head, guy doing this--

ANd i-eee-i-eee-i Will always love you-oo Whee-ha! Clear. Oh, for Pete's sake.

So, anyway, Mr. "X" would say, "Marge, if this doesn't get your motor running, my name isn't Homer J. Simpson."

Did that salesman cut one during the test drive? Yeah. And for some reason he turned on the radio to cover up the smell. Let's get out of here. I'm not shaking that guy's hand. They'll be back. (UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

It's hard to believe there's a place worse than America. But we found it. Yes. I, too, feel a renewed appreciation for the good old U.S. of A. Oppression and harassment are a small price to pay to live in the land of the free.

Did they ever stop that log? Not yet. What's up with that?

Ew! Disgusting. Ugh. I just lost my appetite. Me too. Wait. Mine came back.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, romantic. Uh, ain't sunshine pretty? Ain't flowers stupid? I gotcha.

I'm afraid that's insufficient. Officer, arrest the baby. Yeah, right, Pops. No jury in the world's gonna convict a baby. Hmm, maybe Texas. Besides, she didn't mean it. It was an accident.

- Wait! Otto. - Otto! Not so fast, bus boy. Man, what am I smoking? Oh, yeah. Pot. Thanks, Mom. Bye, kids.

Excuse me. My car broke down. Well, I'll give you a jump! I'll rotate your tires! I'll even fold up that map for you! I know that can be a dickens of a doozie! Back off, creep! I was looking for Homer Simpson's house!

This one just came on the market.

Dad, do you think I'm ugly? What are you talking about?

Are you absolutely sure that's wise, sir? I mean, I don't want to sound pretentious here, but Itchy and Scratchy comprise a dramaturgical dyad. Hey, this ain't art! It's business! What do ya got in mind? Sexy broad? Gangster octopus?

If I can tranq out just one freak on stilts... I know I’ve done myjob. You’re livin' the dream, Chief. Dad, I'm really glad you’re still alive.

I see. You're sure you just haven't made thousands of mistakes?

Oh. Oh, I've been there, man.

Oh, crap! It's on fire! Inflammable means flammable? What a country! Can you drive me to Shelbyville Hospital? I reckon so. Hey! Somebody done "stolded" my wheels!

The decision is final. Tabled this motion is. Or is it?

How can one ordinary man have so many enemies? I'm a people person... who drinks. Ah. Homer, in order to identify your assailant... I must follow you through the course of a normal day. Just do what you usually do... and the killer will reveal himself. Gotcha. f Wind Blo wing f

it's, uh, considerably less than that.

Oh, me and my trenchant mouth!

So how was your day?

Lisa! Lisa! D'oh! This is no good. I've gotta get up higher. Give me all your balloons. I hope this works. These are for you if you let me use your cherry picker. Well, I've already got some balloons, but they're not this nice. Deal!

Bringing you the world of current events!

Uptown girl she's been living in her uptown world Will you turn that down just a little? Gimme A head with hair long, beautiful haiR shining-- Hey, square! Expand your mind! The doors of perception are open for business!

Hello. - Is this H. Powell of Detroit, Michigan ? - Yeah. By any chance does the "H" stand for Herbert ? Yeah. Woo-hoo ! Whoo ! The "H" stands for Herbert ! Herb, were you adopted ? Yeah. - From the Shelbyville Orphanage ? - How did you know that ?

I can't believe it. We're actually in the winning locker room. Whoo! I'm going to Disneyland! Really? 'Cause I'm a travel agent and I've heard nothing but bad things. Let go! Y'ello?

Helen Fielding's giving them pigs... Bridget Jones's diarrhea.

Hey! Face the facts. An overworked and underappreciated housewife has parked on the bridge, refusing to budge. This reporter will be lowered in the sky harness for an exclusive interview. Huh? Ow!

Friends, we love you all but I also have a sinister motive for asking you all here-- sinister being Latin for left-handed.

I'll mace you good!

Are you all right? That man took my diamond necklace. Don't worry. You're gonna be just fine. Okay.

Call me mint jelly, 'cause I'm on the lam! Ahh!

Welcome to Lee Carvallo's Putting Challenge. I am Carvallo. Now choose a club. You have chosen a three-wood.

Happens all the time.

We'd met the enemy, and it was Montgomery Burns. Drastic action had to be taken to stop his war machine. I put Homer to bed, Abe. And now I'm going out. - It could be a late night. I'm meeting my destiny. - So long.

Father McGrath ! I thought you were dead. I was !

Thank you! And remember, don't trust anyone over 30! And now, Peter Frampton!

Oh. Maybe TV is right. TV's always right.

This place is so enchanting, Hugh. I love it here. I wanted this to be perfect for you. I know you Americans like everything to be... fireworks. Huh?

Aw, my loving family. Nothing's changed.

Oh, this is so embarrassing! Lisa, did anyone force you to come here today? You.

Oh, my goodness! That's Tattoo Annie.

Sacre bleu! We will show those stupid Americans... who looks like "ze" frog, eh? Ready, aim--

Oh, I should be resisting this, but I'm paralyzed with rage... and island rhythms. Yeah, way to play the boss's head like a bongo, Homer. He's getting a pretty good sound out of that guy. And--

Exactly. Exactly! Hey! Get your mouth off of that! You yelling at me, Moe-Moe? Huh? No. No, no, no. It's just that, um--

Get outta my office! Of course, what Matt meant to say,

That's it. That's it. I-- D'oh! Okay, okay. Think, Homer.

they tend to use lowbrow expressions like, "Oh, yeah?" and "C'mere a minute." Oh, yeah? They think they're better than us, huh? Bart, c'mere a minute! You c'mere a minute! Oh, yeah? Dad, I don't think this is such a good idea.

Vietnam veteran. Do you have a military I.D.? I.D.? Man, Charlie didn't ask for I.D... when I fought at La Choy and Chun King. I saw my best friend's head explode at Margaret Cho.

Phew! Boy, that-- Ow! He's waking up! Oh, Homie, I'm so glad you're all right. Try not to move, Dad. You swallowed a lot of motor oil. I'm sorry I ran off again.

Pretty neat, huh? But those candy bars are all squished and melted. Wha-- Wha-- Come on, Lisa. join your family.

Take that badge out of your mouth! You're police officers. Well, what are you waiting for, somebody to kiss you good-bye? Well? No, no, no. I guess not. Wasting no time, Rex Banner tore into the bootleggers... like a chippie tearing into a lobster.

Eh, it's probably that stupid cat. That cat saved your life. What has he done for me lately? He woke you up when you stopped breathing last night. Yeah, but he ate the last can of tuna! Dad, you ate the last can of tuna. Everyone's against me.

Don't worry. It's just a name. He said it was just a name!

Simpson ! Well, I wine them, I...

Mom, Dad! Bart's dead!

Sorry. The floor's kind of at an angle here. I'm gonna move over there. Okay. From tappa-tappa-tappa. Lisa's bad dancing makes my feet sad. Oh! Let's take five. What am I doing wrong, Little Vicki?

and we'll eat while standing over the sink or toilet. - Who's gonna change Maggie? - We're gonna let her roam free in the backyard, and nature will take its course. Excuse me, but I think if we all do our fair share, we can keep this house clean.

In fact, stay out of my room altogether.

This technology is new to me, but I'm pretty sure... that's Homer Simpson in the oven rotating slowly. His body temperature has risen to over 400 degrees. He's literally stewing in his own juices. Now, here are some results from our phone-in poll. Ninety-five percent of the people believe Homer Simpson is guilty.

I think you're making him angry. Come on. What's he gonna do? Run amok in downtown Springfield?

Hey, Mom. How 'bout some grub ? Aaah !

Must kill family. They'd been given rifles, but no ammunition.

Hey, give me some room! Watch the elbow, Seamus! Hey, look, everybody! Free beer!

Oh, my God! My middle name is right behind that shrub. I'll finally know whaT "J" stands for. From this moment forth, I will be known as Homer... Jay Simpson!

All right. This is dedicated to Bart Simpson, with a message: "I am coming to kill you slowly and painfully." Wipeout.

Oh, that's dignity, all right! That's great! Worthy of Webster's. Well, it's no wonder I can't draw dignity. I gave it up when I married her.

Hey, if you guys are getting loaded off them fumes, I'm gonna have to charge you. Man alive, there are men alive in here. I'm detecting over 20 different toxins in the air.

They fight, they fight they fight and fight and fight fight, fight, fight fight, fight, fight The itchy and scratchy movie Get out. Get out!

A bloody end for Homer Simpson... is just one of several possible outcomes, according to our computer simulation. Now, here's how it would look if the police killed him with a barrage of baseballs.

that Homer Simpson has stumbled into... the third dimension. Sorry. Here is an ordinary square. Whoa! Whoa! Slow down, egghead. But suppose we extend the square beyond the two dimensions of our universe...

I hate to sound like a screaming fan, but--

It's a towheaded little fan. What do you say, folks? Should I hug him? No! Hmm?

Kids, how would you... like to go to... Blockoland? Meh. But the TV gave me the impression that-- We said, "Meh." M-E-H. "Meh." Well, I'd like to go. How about you, Maggie?

Ugh! What did I do to deserve this?

Oh, no! Okay, don't panic. I'll get the bikes. I hope they're hoverbikes. Oh, man, that would be so awesome!

Okay. Cranberry sauce, stuffing, potatoes. Come on, turkey! Join your friends!

I used to think that losing my hair was as inevitable as the tides. Then I found out about Dimoxinil, the new miracle breakthrough in hair regrowth. Miracle breakthrough ? There's been a miracle breakthrough ? The odds are Dimoxinil can help me grow as much... or as little hair as I want to. Hey, today I'm gonna do it.

Did you know that 34 million american adults are obese? That excess blubber could fill two-fifths of the Grand Canyon. That may not sound impressive but keep in mind, it is a very big canyon. This sucks. Where's that channel changer? Oh.

A group of school-aged Spartacuses has taken this camp by force. Three counselors are missing and presumed scared. What's that? I'm being told I can have an exclusive interview with the ringleader. Don't be the boy. Don't be the boy.

Idiots? That's slander, sir, and we have it on tape. All right. I'll get out my checkbook.

But you still have a-- My water broke! Oh, we must drive to the hospital. Cleanup in aisle three.

Can't murder now. Eating. Oh, for crying out loud.

Stay with me, Marge. And I promise we'll travel the world and perhaps outer space. (IMITATES STAR SHIPS) (IMITATES LASER GUNS)

It's so out of character. Ain't that worth nothin'? Come on. Next. All right, judges, who is our winner? The winner is... me for being seen with you freaks.

Young lady, this may be the high point of Bart's life. Cut him some slack.

I'm Bart Simpson. Who the hell are you ? Ah. Please allow me to introduce myself. I'm the devil ! And you've earned eternal damnation for your lifetime of evil deeds, Bart. Spitting off the escalator just clinched it. Hey, I'm innocent, man.

How do I look? (GRUNTING) HOMER: Ow! Oh, after my makeover, I'm gonna get you, boy!

Now hold it right there, you little-- Mother ? Spanky ?

Oh, boy, oh, Boyardee! l bazoom-a you want a table. Right-a this way! Wow, Mom, your guns got us a great table... right by the lobster tank. For you, pretty lady, I make-a the fresh-a pasta...

See, the ladies know what I'm talking about. Ha. Ha. Tell you what? Let's get this ball gag on ya. There we go. And we'll skip right ahead to the Kill-O-Tine. Whoa, baby!

Oh! You saved me, Reverend. You really went above and beyond. Thank you. Oh, don't thank me. Thank Marge Simpson. She taught me that there's more... to being a minister than not caring about people.

Sir, this is a house of justice, not a sugar shack. It's Hershey highwaymen like you who made me fat. Well, Your Honor, the court carries it well. Silence. I rule in favor of Marge Simpson. Oh, I am so proud of you.

Okay, Lisa. I respect your moral objection.

Taught Stampy any tricks yet, Bart? Nah. He doesn't wanna learn, and I don't wanna teach him. We get along fine. Hey, what's with them? I think they're trying to get some attention. Oh. Good luck! Look at these bills. "Chain for elephant."

Why should the race always be to the swift? Or the jumble to the quick-witted? Should they be allowed to win merely because of the gifts God gave them? Well, I say cheating is a gift man gives himself.

He's on in five minutes! He is? Step on it! Oops! Hurry up! Each Matlock could be our last. Homie, you know it's funny, both my mother and your father seem pretty lonely.

Homie, did you remember to tip Kitenge? No, he did not.

Ah, good evening, Zohar the Adulterer. My wife sends her warmest regards. Ah, yes, she's a good woman. Very good. Thank you, my lusty friend.

I have a sneaking suspicion that L.L.Bean and Eddie Bauer are selling me the same honey. I get food through the mail, but in a different way. Every month, Good Housekeeping arrives in my mailbox bursting with recipes. Sometimes the most satisfying meal is the one you cook yourself.

The man who embodies everything about rock and roll-- except the music.

There we go. And we'll skip right ahead to the Kill-O-Tine.

"But the third bowl of porridge was just right."

Uh, uh-- Well, then, tell the children how hard you studied in school... - to get where you are today. - Studied? Kids, all I ever did was sit in class and doodle. Like this one. It's what your principal would look like as a woman.

Mr. Hutz-- Look. He's taking another puff!

f Chuckiing] Not safe for babies under two. You’re Baby Stink Breath! You’re Baby Stink Breath! En francais. Vous étes i 'entant Stink Breath!

You're deceptive. I don't see anything.

Uh, this isn't gonna be about jesus, is it? All things are about jesus, Homer, except this. Your son has been working in a burlesque house. Principal Skinner saw him with his own eyes.

Thanks. Pint of ale, my dear? Well, thank you, Your Honor. You know, you're kind of sexy. That's a deliberate misstatement of fact. But I'll allow it.

My friend, your jacket, she burns. Then I burn with her. For I would rather die than have people not know what stores I have been to. Yay! Whoo-hoo! We're the baddest punks in our age bracket.

Lisa, wait! (GRUNTING)

so you'll have to lick my thumb before I can turn the page. Oh. Can't I just turn the page for you? No! But you can pick out any picture you want to take home with you. - Okay. That one. - No! Ow! You can't have that one! That's a coconut cake!

Come on, Marge ! I don't bug you when you're helping Lisa. Well, Bart, I hope you're going straight to the principal about this. I guess I could do that. What ? And violate the code of the schoolyard ? I'd rather Bart died. What on earth are you talking about, Homer ?

Now it spreads love to you and me Hey, look It's heading out To sea

Homer! I'm not pregnant! Yeah! Whoa! Excellent, Marge! Yes!

Nah. I know what I gotta do. I gotta clean up my act. No more joking around all the time. No more slacking off at work. And most important, no more booze. I know I can do it. "Your son has been kidnapped."

Only one member of the Springfield Seven was identified. She's been described as a woman in her early 30s, yellow complexion and may be extremely helpful. For Channel 6 News, I'm Kenny Brockelstein.

Look, Maggie. Funny Daddy! (GROANING) Too hard. Nine, ten, start over again!

Throw the bee and go to college. We are the Seven Sisters... and you could attend any one of us- Like Barnard, Columbia’s girl next door. Come to Radcliffe and meet Harvard men.

No, Dad, you promised if Bart and I got "C" averages, we could go to Kamp Krusty.

Hey, look at me. I'm Elvis, man! Give that back!

Stupid Homer-hating family. At least there's one place I'm always welcome. MEN: For he's a jolly good fellow... Oh, guys. This is just what I needed.

Well, I know what I'm gettin'-- some doughnuts. Uh, help me out of the booth, boys.

Hey, the dummy can't hurt you. He's not even alive. He's dead!

Oh! What in the world? Whoo!

- Yo! Doctor "S." Have you seen Milhouse today? - No. - Okay. Thanks. - Wait. Did you know that there's a direct correlation... between the decline of Spirograph and the rise in gang activity? - Think about it. - I will. No, you won't.

Congratulations! David Crosby, you're my hero! Oh, you like my music? You're a musician? Then came the greatest thrill of my life.

Hey, give me some room! Watch the elbow, Seamus! Hey, look, everybody! Free beer!

I'm gonna meetcha, I'm gonna meetcha I'll meetcha Black-on-black violence must end. That was for Dr. King. (CHUCKLING) Don't feel bad, Doc. I won't even let my mom clip my toenails.

Oh, you Americans with your "due process" and "fair trials." This is always so much easier in Mexico. All right. Very well. We'll have the trial tomorrow at the stroke of midnight. Till then, you're going to spend the day in hell!

just look at this pattern. Hey, that looks like Bart. And turning to the 3-D map, we see an unmistakable cone of ignorance. Put it away! Put it away!

Forgive me. I'm just so envious of the happiness you all have. Can I please be part of it? Just till I get back on my feet? No way! He's an annoying sneak who's out to steal my wife!

Ooh. Those are eight dollars a pound, sport. Eight dollars a pound times, say, oh, five pounds is, um-- Let's see. How many pounds in a gallon? Oh, I can't afford that. Unless--

Huh? I fell asleep at the wheel! Hey. But we didn't crash. It's a miracle!

Now, Marge, you can't blame all of Bart's problems on your one little speech. If anything turned him bad, it's that time... you let him wear a bathing suit instead of underwear. And let's not forget your little speech.

Why don't people like me, Marge? Everyone likes you. You're a wonderful person. Why don't those stupid idiots let me in their crappy club for jerks? I'm sure it's nothing personal, Homer. It is. It's been happening to me all my life.

Actually, this section is for the players' ex-wives. And then I found out that all the while there was this bimbo in Kansas City. Throw at his head ! Who'd have thought it ? A free ticket to a big-league park, but I was too tense to enjoy the game. Every ounce of concentration I possessed was focused on the task at hand.

Ow ! My foot ! You lousy, stupid, clumsy-- See that ? Krusty wore big floppy shoes, but he's got little feet like all good-hearted people ! Sideshow Bob really fills his shoes with big ugly feet.

It is the '70s, right down to the smallest detail! Hey, the bartender even looks like John Travolta. Yeah, looks like. Look at all this great stuff, Lise. Cool, personalized plates. "Barclay, Barry, Bert, Bort!"

- Go long, son. - Yes, sir. I'm catching a pass from Dan Marino. This is the greatest moment of my-- Whoo-hoo! Homer Simpson with a pick! Hey, Bubba, Hacksaw, get that moron.

Don't mind if I do!

We'll be dashed to pieces! Oh, Lord, protect this rocket house and all who dwell within the rocket house. It's them, all right. We're over here, Homie! Oh. Something's wrong with its brakes. Gangway!

Now, let's see how the common folk are grieving for their fallen god, me. And so, a day after the tragedy, the town still mourns the loss of its venerable old man. Here it comes. Beloved by children. Yes, the little ones.

Yes, I am! Come on, Spotty! Come on, Smelly!

And math. And the words to every Monty Python routine.

All right, garçons. Trois, deux, un. Huh? No. Un-- you know, French for "one." Well, you keep switching back between French and English. Just fire the damn thing.

So, let's just see what the permanent record has to say. No detention, fairly good attendance... I see you beat that bed-wetting problem. That's in there? Don't worry. They'll forget... just like they forgot about me in that tiger cage for 18 agonizing months.

Of course he does. He's a cute little piggy. Curly, straight. Curly, straight. Ow! Why, you little-- Mr. Simpson, stop! It's a defenseless animal! The pig's acting kinda funny. He and Mr. Simpson split a case of malt liquor.

But I sent you BenGay Oh, Andy, you kissed me And stopped me from something And I-- Uh-oh. Dad, why are you singing? Tell a lie. Tell a lie.

Are you sure he's dead? Maybe you just really, really hurt him. Okay. Maybe everything's all right. Maybe, if you go apologize, he won't even fire you... if he's alive.

See you later. I'm going to the library.

This magazine you sold me isn't Fantastic Four, it's Fantastic Floor.

Bart. Ahem. I was trying to gnaw my foot off, but... I couldn't get through my sock. Good night, everybody.

Wow. You look really hungover, Dad. What did you do last night? Last night? Um--

but it's still irresponsible to present rumors as facts. Maybe you should quit while you're ahead. No way. Mr. X is gonna keep on diggin' and probin'... until every person in this town is in jail. Aaah! A coconut bagel? Like poison it tastes! All right, I'll tell you a secret.

Bart ! Stop Fighting with your sister ! She took my glue ! Uh ! It's not yours, Bart ! This is family glue ! Stop it, you two ! This is Thanksgiving !

Would you mind? Yes, sir. Aw, look at the little eels. Oh, electric eels! I didnt know Mr. Burns had an electric eel pond.

Oh, no. That's Maggie's mix tape! Then Maggie must’ve gotten- f Man f w' Sex bomb, sex bomb w' w' You 're m y sex bomb w' w' And, baby, you can turn me on my f Laughing f

D'oh! Not again! I can't take much more of your blundering numskullery. I'll be in the car, dudes.

Oh, no. Bart has stolen the elderly. Forgot my hat.

Could the stenographer please read back the previous statement? "Why, you little"- Why, you little- Why, you little- Why, you little- All rise for the verdict.

Wow! Poochie came from another planet? Uh, I guess.

He's just a stupid little kid who says the First thing that pops into his head. But you know, there's wisdom in his innocence. You don't want it. Yes, I do. Too bad. You ain't gettin' it ! Not since this reporter's marriage to Stephanie the weather lady... has this town been so consumed with rumor and innuendo.

Geez, man. We haven't seen you since Woodstock. You went to Woodstock? Your mother dragged us both to that godforsaken lovefest!

Gloria, you better tell your boyfriend to be a good little hostage. He's not my boyfriend. Mr. Burns is. Homer just comes along on our dates and carries us to the bedroom. You're dating that old trilobite? Gross! We're in love, Snake.

I can't believe my mom would cheat. Hi, sweetie. Is Mom winning? Oh, she'll win the contest, but she'll lose her soul. But she'll still win the contest? And lose her soul. But win the contest? Yes.

Wow. There's so much I don't understand about bullying. Yeah. There's a lot of history there. Did you know it predates agriculture? - Mm-mmm. - Let's walk. Finish the job. I just don't understand Francine's motivation.

And I want to put something nice on the card, like, um-- Uh, "Renee, my treasure--" Hey, shut up, or I'll ram a stool down your throat! Uh, no. No, no. I don't want that on the card. Well, let me hear how it sounds. Nah, nah, take it out. Take it out.

"This is Geraldine, and the devil made me miss your call, "so here come the beep. Here come the beep!"

I gotcha. Well, two can play at that game. Yeow!

Look! I'm throwing paper!

Will somebody help her ? Look, Maggie. Birdies. Oh, Homer, what are we going to do ? Now don't worry. Our situation isn't as bad as it seems. And you're forgetting. I'm an experienced woodsman. Now you all stay here while I go over this way and try to get my bearings.

Man, that was close. Good thing this alley got so narrow in the middle. Well, that's nice work, boys.

Well, Son, I want to show you how grateful I am. Let's go fishing. Who knew that anger was saving my life? Say it, don't spray it. You're trying to get me angry!

Hmm! I really should read the whole headline before I react. Oh, my. I've been so unfair to Becky. Maybe I am insane. I mean, I am talking to myself. You are? Oh, I thought I'd made a friend.

You don't even know what you're worried about anymore. John's a witty, urbane person. Oh, and I'm not?

Pointless. Exhausting. It took the children 40 minutes... to locate Canada on the map. Marge, anyone can miss Canada, all tucked away down there. My teacher's a nightmare. Three kids got sick from inhaling his ointment fumes, he confiscated everything made of tin, and then he sent us home early because he got his beard... caught in the pencil sharpener.

Five, four, three--

Oh, this is very sad news. And it never would have happened if the wedding had been inside the church with God... instead of out here in the cheap showiness of nature. Who wants cake?

Milhouse has BonestorM! This is great! And all I've done is enter my name-- Thrillhouse! Say, cool dude, can I play too? Uh-- Uh, it's only a one-player game.

Hold on. I'll check. Mike Rotch ? Mike Rotch ! Hey, has anybody seen Mike Rotch lately ? Listen to me, you little puke ! One of these days I'm gonna catch you,

Yeah, but your mom paid for that. But doesn't she get her money from you? And I get my money from grease. What's the problem? Wow! Look at that load of grease.

Oh, of course, Smithers. Anything. I disabled the button, sir. Anyway, I need some time off.

Okay, little dudes. Time's up. Everybody out.

Hey, kids, it's story time! I'm gonna tell you the story of Krusty's expensive new suit--

Yah! Aw. Ah, is that all you got? Huh? Huh? Mmm, fish. Oh, no! That's me! Get me out of here! Get-- Get-- Get out-- Just a minute!

My water dish is empty!

"Last entry: I have mountaineered to the utmost, "but the peak is unclimbable. "Worse still, that treacherous skunk, Abe Simpson, stole my oxygen and tried to eat my left arm."

Your nerves ? I won't have cowards in my army. Ow ! Sorry, Bart.

Sounds good to me. Let's go. Okay. I guess so. All right, thanks for participating in our focus group, kids. Today we're gonna show you some Itchy and Scratchy cartoons. Cool! We want you to tell us what you think. And be honest, because no one from the show is here spying on you.

And that's just about eight months, mmm, now. Well, Ned, how do you feel? I feel... fine. You don't feel... angry? Absotively not-arinO!

but now I feel a balanced diet can include the occasional eating contest. But what if he chokes? Oh, not to worry. We have the latest Heimlich machine.

Come on. Give me the key. These look like teeth marks. I thought there was chocolate inside. Well, why was it wrapped in foil? It was never wrapped in foil.

D'oh! I can't believe I'm meeting Milhouse. Yeah! Heard it old school! No-o-o! Bart was so cool. - Little short. He's about this tall. - Don't print that.

This will give the humans the perfect flavor.

Nelson is gold.

Holy Christmas!

Oh, no! John Wilkes Booth!

Ankle? Focaccia? What are you talking about?

Talkin' Springfield The chicks have big gazongas There's tires on fire A guy named Apu And Skinner, and Grampa and old Disco Stu Did I forget to mention you?

Son, are you okay? I brought a homemade first aid kit! It's spring-loaded for quick access.

I can't do it because-- You're trapped. If you were smarter, you might think of something, but you're not, so you might as well-- All right, all right ! I'll take her. Lousy brain. - What do you mean by "suggested donation" ? - Pay any amount you wish, sir. And what if I wish to pay zero ?

Don Homer, my son, he has a-trouble with the-- Eh-eh-eh-eh-eh. Molto bene. That's a nice a-donut. Do you think you can get the dental plan back?

Well, the ball's in his court now. All right, read me back what I have so far, Mrs. Krabapatra.

(REPEATING) D'oh! Woo-hoo! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh... Woo-hoo! D'oh! D'oh... Woo-hoo!

Go home! You're off the team! For good!

Okay, Dad, we're ready! Hey, that's super. See you later. Dad, don't you remember? It's our special Saturday. You agreed to spend one Saturday a month doing something with the kids. Ohh!

Yes, this is Principal Seymour Skinner. How can I help you, Principal? I'm afraid there's some problems with my tickets. I asked for a center seat, not an aisle seat. I specifically requested not to have the kosher meal. And I booked the flight leaving Saturday morning, not Friday morning! Okay, I've gone ahead and made those changes. With the one-day advanced purchase price,

Why, you-- Master Burns! I mean, carry on. Me leg's gone gimpy! Who'll provide for me little ones?

Attention all units! Attention all units! Armored car being robbed at Fifth and Main. Turn off that damn radio! And the next man wants to hit the ball too. And there he goes off in that direction. And everyone is happy. Mom, why don't you let me call the game? That's all right, dear. I can do it.

Something... else. Hey, what happened to all the water? Hmm. There's something blocking it. Hey, come on. Get out there-- Come on, Homer! We're going to Sears to feel the bras!

When we were having trouble conceiving,

(SOBBING) (MUTTERING)

(CLICKING) (LAUGHING IN FRENCH ACCENT) (LAUGHING IN JAPANESE ACCENT) (LAUGHING IN BOTSWANAN ACCENT) (MIMICKING SEAL LAUGHTER) Stupid Internet. Whole world laughing at me. (BRAKES SCREECHING)

Aye, once, when I was sailing round the Arctic--

Oh, fiddle-faddle. Everyone knows our mutants have flippers. Ooh, oops. I've said too much. Smithers, use the amnesia ray. You mean, the revolver, sir? Precisely. Be sure to wipe your own memory clear when you're finished.

Huh? Smithers, there's a rocket in my pocket. You don't have to tell me, sir. Turn off the chair. Turn off the chair.

Uh, attention, everybody. Uh-- Oh-- Work harder. Bye. Well, sir, I have to get to work. Lenny's a real bear on tardiness.

Yes. Share with us the wisdom of the street, O mighty Alcatraaaz. There are times in life, when the truth ain't black nor white, but a subtler shade of gray, yo.

This is what happens when you cut money out of the military and put it into health care. It's a good program. just give it a chance. That's all I ask.

Hold on. "Nancy Drew let out a low whistle. This isnt an old windmill at all. ts a new windmill.'" No, Dad. I'm sure she wont be killed.

Crazy scheme, crazy scheme, crazy scheme-- Get me tools and beer! Yes!

President Clinton? Yeah, hi. I'm here to see Lisa Simpson. You read my letter? Much of it, yes. And those glow sticks were wrong. Very wrong. So I've personally overturned the results of that band contest. Congratulations.

They're fine. And no matter what happens, I'll never forget the advice you gave me. Now come on, you're gonna learn how to shave. And finally, the little spot under your nose.

Ow! Oh, there's the Frisbee. (CHUCKLES) (GROANS) Concussion-diddily... Hemorrhage-doodily... Injury-bodily... Ned, you nearly died of a brain tumor. Thank goodness that bowling ball knocked it out of your head!

Why are you so popular ? Ooh, a tough question, but a fair one. Lisa, there's no single answer. Uh, some voters respond to my integrity.

They seem to be building some sort of a shantytown. Get away, protestors! You can't stop me from living my life! No respect for women! No peace!

Hey, why'd you lock the door? We're still inside. It's a chance for you to catch up on all the work I'm assigning you now. I never worked all night, never. And I worked at an all-night diner for three years. I slept on the grill. See this? It's the bathroom key.

We don't want any more bears! Sir, there's an unruly mob to see you. Does it have an appointment? Uh, yes, it does. I phoned ahead! Mr. Mayor, I hate to break it to you, but your city is infested with bears! Yeah. And these ones are smarter than the average bear. They swiped my "pic-a-nic" basket.

Huh? Nice work, everybody. Wait a minute. This whole thing was a setup? But Skinner got shot. Aah! Yup. Blanks and a blood pack. Hey, watch it! I look like cable TV.

as well as his past, present, future and mother. Okay. And I further decree... that everything will be just like it was... before all this happened. And no one will ever mention it again... under penalty of torture.

Homer, bring Maggie out.

Ah, here we go. Precious Venus. Thank you.

I'm anatomically correct. Go ahead. Take a peek. I wonder what Mommy's medicine tastes like. Lisa's not gonna want that. Oh, what can I get her?

(COCKS GUN) Yeah. All the way down. (COCKS GUN) What you said didn't really add much. (COCKS GUN) I know. I just wanted to belong. (COCKS GUN) Well, we all feel that way sometimes. (COCKS GUN) (GUNS COCKING)

or Will Smith in Bagger Vance, or Slimer in Ghostbusters. Sir, we know you're not an angel. My husband sees too many movies. Don't blame me. Blame Tinseltown and its second golden age. May it never end.

Oh, yeah. How is old Grimey? He's dead! Like you should be.

You are? Hmm. Which will win out?

Look, Maggie! It's Sergeant Thug's Mountaintop Command Post, complete with Deathbringer missiles that really launch.

Howdilly-doodilly there, President Bush-- Or should I say President Neighbor? I'm Ned Flanders, and this is Maude, Rod and Todd. Howdilly-doodilly yourself there, Ned. This is my wife, Barbara. Call her Bar. Would you like some lemonade? Tiptop-notch! Okilly-dokilly. Thankilly-dankilly.

We need a fresh angle to get the public interested. The public see our astronauts as clean-cut, athletic go-getters. They hate people like that. Well, who do they like? Here are the most popular personalities on television or "Tv." I did it! I supercharged my riding mower!

(RAPPING) Yo, yo, yo! Slide your green Into the machine. And don't expect any change, dawg.

Oh. Time to make you pretty! (BOTH GRUNT) (WHIMPERS) PATTY: Oh, yes. A little more color. How do I look? (GRUNTING) HOMER: Ow!

"Slow dulcimer gavotte and bow in autumn." He's reading "Impossible to Tell." "Basho and his friends go out to view the moon; "In summer, gasoline rainbow in the gutter. "The secret courtesy that courses like ichor... through the old form of the rude, full-scale joke."

Go ! Go ! What's the matter with you, soldier ? It's my nerves, sir.

A new persona. And away they go! Okay, Lisa, I've got Furious D across the board, boxed with the three and the eight and wheeled up and down. Mom, I think you might be developing a gambling problem. Hey, I'm watching you.

It's over. I think that guy's a spy. Of course he's a spy. You just saw him go through spy school. Oh, wait. I heard how this ends. Turns out the secret code was the same nursery rhyme he told his daughter.

Don't shoot. just take the money and get out. What? Oh, Apu, I would never-- Or would I? I've already gone this far. I wonder what my life would be like if I robbed the Kwik-E-Mart.

Look at you people. Bart's a tub. Lisa's weak as a little girl. And Maggie doesn't seem to be growing at all. Now that's just not-- You too, Marge. If you toned up a little, you'd probably get a lot more action. Homer, stop insulting us and eat your filth. Food. I mean food. Sorry. I only eat food in bar form.

here's the first of what I hope will be many disabled students, Bart Simpson. I'm proud of you, boy. What the-- Bart, where's your wheelchair? Don't need it anymore. Doctor says my butt bone's stronger than ever. Ta-da!

Oh, Smithers, if only you could hear me. Something tells me Mr. Burns needs me.

Don't you get it? He swore he'd kill me too. I'm next! Don't worry. I'll protect you-- Little dude. There. Now no murderers can get in. Or out.

My heart is just f-- Homie, what is it?

Ah, yes. Garl dack!

Hello, Homer. It's me, KITT, from TV's Knight Rider. Your family has asked me to take time out... from my busy schedule to invite you... to a very special--

After talking to your wife we believe you're no threat to yourself or others. That's the most flattering thing anyone ever said to me.

All the elves dance around like idiots. I puke. The end.

Oh, no! What the-- My juice box! Ohh! Oh, sorry, Homie. But you promised to take me to the Apron Expo today. - Just give me 10 more hours. - Come on.

We paid for blood!

Chili! Red-hot, Texas-style chili! And we got ginger ale! Boilin'-hot, Texas-style ginger ale! Texas!

The Soviet Union will be pleased to offer amnesty to your wayward "wessel." The Soviet Union? I thought you guys broke up. Yes! That's what we wanted you to think!

Oh, I guess you're only familiar with the new Batman movies. Michelle Pfeiffer. Ha. The only true Catwoman is julie Newmar, Lee Meriwether or Eartha Kitt. And I didn't need molded plastic to improve my physique. Pure West.

And I'm tellin' you, the Canyonero is the Cadillac of automobiles. That's Canyonero. Wait! Where you going? I still got plenty of beefs. Fat-free yogurt. The-The quality of computer porn.

Hey, Burnsie! This was some swell shindig. Thank you very much. Smithers! What's happening? I had a great time. I just wanna shake your hand. You're the greatest. Smithers! Help! Doesn't seem as funny to me. But what do I know? Smithers!

Ah, for crying out glavin. Is Mel Gibson here?

I got my dad to look after her. Behind ya! Don't do that! Don't do that! Come on, honey. You work yourself stupid for this family. If anyone deserves to be wrapped up in seaweed and buried in mud, it's you. Mmm. Well, all right.

Oh, I've got the exact same curtains, only in my bathroom. Didn't you just die when you found these? Not really. They just had corn on them. Kitchen, corn. Oh! - Ha! - Ow!

Oh, it's tough being the new kid. Someone should go talk to her. Yeah. Somebody should. One Hour Dry Cleaner? Man, that's fast. Kids gone? Yep. It's great to have some time just to ourselves, huh? You read my mind.

Ahoy-hoy. Greetings, friend. Do you wish to look as happy as me? Well, you've got the power inside you right now. So use it, and send one dollar to Happy Dude! 742 Evergreen Terrace, Springfield. Don't delay. Eternal happiness is just a dollar away.

All right, Chimey, this time the bell tolls for thee. Huh? ¡Ayayay! SeÑor Ding-Dong! I thought you were just a marketing gimmick. There was a time when that was true. But now I am so much more.

Whoa. Whoa. Hey, whoa. Let's not say things we can't take back. All right, all right. I'm sorry. But this film is never going to see the light of day.

Bart, we're sending you to bed without your supper.

Knock it off. I'm sorry. Knock it off! I's just jammin' with ya. Hey, Simpson what are you trying to play? "Polly-wolly Doodle."

(HONKING) D'oh!

Put you away for good. No! Ho. What the gumdrops is goin' on here? I came to stop you from murdering Lisa, like you murdered your wife. Murdered?

Hey, did you guys just come from the prom? Sort of. But you know, we realized we're more comfortable in a place like this.

Dr. Wolfe likes to pull kids' teeth, so he can sell 'em. To who? You know that rattle when you shake up spray paint? That's a kid's tooth. Maggie's teeth are coming in crooked.

(ALL SCREAMING)

we find that Homer Simpson's soul is legally the property... of Marge Simpson and not of the devil. Yea! Whoo-hoo-- Ow! All right, Simpson. You get your soul back.

Moe's Tavern where the peanut bowl is freshened hourly. Moe, I'd like to bet $20 on Denver. I think I can provide that service. Chief Wiggum, could you hand me that little black book? Sure thing, Moe. I was using it as a coaster. $20 on Denver. Pleasure doing business...

You panicked, but you didn't lose your cool. Oh. Bart, over here! Come on! Bart, come on! Just throw it, doofus! Ah, crap.

All right, Springfield, belly up for the Duff Beer-tender of the year contest. Now, fresh from his appearance before the House Subcommittee on Teenage Alcoholism, Duff Man! Are you ready for some Duff love? All right!

Hey, what gives? He's not killing me. FRINK: I'll tell you what gives. I'm afraid he is subject to Isaac Asimov's laws of robotics, with the sci-fi and the so many books, not too many good.

Wire hangers. Expired medicine. Old newspapers! Okay, Homer, stay calm. just quietly get this stuff inside your house. Homer, you're not listening! That medicine's not for you. Come on, Marge.

Oh, my name is Agnes, and you know it's Agnes! It means lamb. Lamb of God.

It was a beautiful service, wasn't it, Mr. Simpson ? Who the hell are you ? Lionel Hutz, attorney-at-law ! I'm the executor of Beatrice Simmons' estate. Mr. Simpson, Bea was a wealthy woman and, surprise, surprise, she left everything to you. Really ? There is one catch.

Hardly. I'd like you to explain... why we should build a mass transit system... in a small town with a centralized population. Young lady, that's the most intelligent question I've ever been asked. Really? Oh, I could give you an answer. But the only ones who'd understand it would be you and me, and that includes your teacher.

Ow! What's this? Evil! Evil! - Madness. Beware! - Beware! Cool! Ow! Ow! Ow!

Hello? Homer? Where are you? You promised you were going to have a tea party with Maggie. Oh, Marge, I'm sorry. I can't make it.

Oh, my! I've never seen anything like this.

You gonna finish that, bony? Oh, "griven"-- Let's try the chant. Everyone loves a droning, repetitive chant.

Lucky for us, they were sent down from the majors...

There were monsters on that ship, and truly, we were them. Lisa, see what we mean when we say you're too smart for your own good ? - Way to go, Lis. - Yeah. Thanks, Lisa.

But I sure don't wanna eat this crappy breakfast. Here, little fella. Dad, no! Error. I'm sorry. I thought he was a party robot. Oh! This is why I can't have nice things! Every time I design a robot, somebody comes along and--

Uh-oh. We forgot to empty the minibar. That's a $17 deck of cards. Let it go, Dad.

Sandwich. Hmm, underpants.

Okay, okay. Want a shrimp cocktail? Nah.

I'm gonna fight this thing. Oh, please don't. For me? Sorry, Marge. This is my quest. I'm like that guy, that Spanish guy. - You know, he fought the windmills. - Don Quixote? No, that's not it. What's his name? "The Man of La Mancha."

Knock it off! (ALL BREATHING HEAVILY) MAN: Okay... (ALL FAINTING)

Yes, Kent? According to Redbook magazine, what is the speed of light? Well, that-- Uh, well, wait. Uh, do I read from the sheet labeled "jokes" or "answers"?

Uh-oh. Uh, you got a men's room in there? Only Khlav Kalash. Men's room in tower. Tower. Observation deck. Oh! But I can't leave my car until the parking guy gets here. Oh! Why did I drink all that crab juice?

and prodded me with humiliating probes. And then-- Oh, wait. That was my physical. Great story, Homer. Really. The alien has a sweet, heavenly voice, like Urkel. And he appears every Friday night... like Urkel!

"Dear Homer, I.O.U. one emergency doughnut. Signed, Homer." Bastard! He's always one step ahead. Oh! I'd sell my soul for a doughnut!

Doh ! Why did you do that ?

Gym? That's the stupidest thing I ever heard!

"I love yoU"-- It's an angel! Oh, that's Neddie's pet name for me.

Takes one to know one! Swish! According to Fretful Mother Magazine, if Maggie doesn't talk by age one... we should consider a corrective tongue extender. Hey, what was my first word? Uh, well-- Whoa! - Yes. - Oh.

Because actually it was quite a struggle. Oh, Homer ! Have you ever seen a kung fu movie ? It was just like that. But now I know her moves. So, if you're listening to me, lady, you'd better think long and hard before trying something like this on Homer Simpson again !

Not going to Yale isn't the end of the world. Yeah, I'm starting to see that. No, I mean, you're screwed. Your only hope is to clutch at straws!

Oh. Well, I wanted to write "Disco Stud," but I ran out of space. Not that Disco Stu didn't get his share of the action. So, if you're looking for a half bag of charcoal briquettes... or an artificial Christmas tree, trunk only, come on over to the Hibbert table, pronto!

And he taught me how to do this.

Smithers, why didn't you tell me about this market crash? Um, well, sir, it happened 25 years before I was born. Oh, that's your excuse for everything. I've got to do something to get my money back quickly. This calls for an aggressive trading strategy. Good idea, sir. Take 50% of my money, and put it in the blue chips--

I was at this bar in Spittle County.

TouchÉ, Cecil. I'm aware of your felonious past but you are still my brother. And blood is thicker than bread and water.

"Go away." Hmm. Lisa, don't hold anything back. You can tell me. Are you crying because you called Daddy a baboon ? No ! Nuts. Doh !

Touchdown! It is done. The Washington Redskins win Super Bowl 26! You love Dad. I suspected as much.

All students please proceed immediately to an assembly... in the Butthead Memorial Auditorium.

Okay, I'm gonna move this up. This wider. I'm gonna lose that. I've never even seen one of these. Can the medical mumbo jumbo. Can you fix me or not? Well, we'll see. You know, most faces need a little remodeling,

I can't. My Web page hasn't gotten a single hit.

Nothing to rearrange Sometimes you just get a feeling Like you need some kind of change No matter what the odds are this time Nothing's going to stand in my way This flame in my heart

Well, everybody's got a fear of something. Not everybody. Sock puppets! Where? Where? Mom, are you sure you don't wanna discuss it?

You... went into outer space?

That's my boy. Na-na, na-na-na Na-na, na-na-na na-na, na-na-na did you ever know that you're my hero 'cause you are the Wind beneath my wings

Now, we may not have antique furniture or priceless artwork, but we have everything we need right here.

Hmm. Lisa, if I have five apples, and I take away three apples, how many apples do I have left? Two apples. Wait a minute.

A little late for "could-haves," Marge. I don't think there's enough here for a vacation. There is for a Mega-Savings vacation. Chuck Garabedian says you can fly mega cheap... if you don't care where you go. That's right. Just go to the airport and wait for some no-shows. Then you can buy their seats for a fraction of the price.

Bart. You're up early. I couldn't sleep. What's wrong? There was no burglar.

Help me. Holy smokes! You need booze.

- Stop that! - But I was just-- - Scat! - gonna try to-- - Go on now! - knock you out. just quit.

You'll never send me up the river! Dad. Let's see where he's going with this. Willie, as your employer, I insist-- Oh! Stop! This has gone on just long enough!

But I am a public servant, and not permitted to use my own judgment in any way. Then let us take our case directly to the townspeople. Oh, yeah. That'll be real productive. Who do you want to talk to first? The guy in the bumblebee suit, or the one with the bone through his hair? My opinions are as valid as the next man's!

Listen, when you see what's inside this-- I don't understand. I could swear it was right here. Yeah, right, mop top. And I'm Ed Sullivan. "Really big show." No, no. I can do it better. "Really big show. Really big." That's it.

Okay, I'm not gonna kill you, but I'm gonna tell you three things that are gonna haunt you for the rest of your days. You've ruined your father, you've crippled your family... and baldness is hereditary ! It is ?

and the night's Plutonian shore ! Leave no black plume as a token of the lie thy soul has spoken. Leave my loneliness unbroken ! Quit the bust above my door ! Take thy beak from out my heart... and take thy form from off my door !

Easy to Believe Tales. Supergirl vs. The Glass Ceiling. The Green Listener. He was just trying to unload these crappy comics on a helpless kid.

Marge, the boy was wearing a Hawaiian shirt! So? There's only two kinds of guys who wear those shirts-- gay guys and big fat party animals.

I've been waiting for you. Come in, my captivating one.

Sodium tetrasulfate is highly caustic and can remove skin.

- Got it, Barn? - Got what? Ow!

"Four paws, plus one tail, "plus nine lives equals one special cat. "One special cat minus nine lives equals one sad little girl." I know how you feel, Lise. No kid wants to outlive their pet.

Kids, it's 8:00. You're gonna miss the bus to wizard school. Five minutes "more-ius." That's not good for the clock.

That's not as fun as it looks. Nothing could be as fun as that looks. Hey, look what i got, Bart! A Tickle Me Krusty! Hey, kid, get your finger out of there. - Ow! - Homer!

- Here ya go, Homer. - Thanks, Moe. Ah, Homer, you know your money's no good here. Hey, wait a minute. This is real money. Yeah. My wife is rakin' it in.

Can't you just give me a spanking?

That sounds like Maggie. But she's right here... (SCREAMS) Now, now, don't worry, my dear woman. She will be rocked gently to sleep by the stomach acids. (SCREAMS) (COOING) Hold on, Maggie! Daddy's coming! (GRUNTING) Come on.

Marge ! Don't worry. My daughter's very bright,

Just kiddin'. I'm a nice guy. We'd better stop and get the car washed. Aw, what's the rush? Might rain next week.

We could build snowmen. No, I have a better idea. We could build real men out of snow.

And that's good enough for me. Yum! Wow. Wow. That made me completely forget about Bob Balaban.

Bart! How many times have I told you not to bite your sist-- Wait a minute! You are a vampire! Quick! We have to kill the boy!

Let's let a little sunshine in. Question? Can I smell your dress? Hey, you show some respect. This one here's not for smellin'. Why thank you, Jack.

Oh, oh. Okay, okay. Don't try anything funny. I'm armed to the teeth.

You two will dance, and you'll like it.

Excuse me. Miss Lavelle?

Thank you. And now, a man who's a real "poth-eed." I'm sorry. "Pot head." Homer Simpson!

Hmm. I get the feeling there's something you haven't told me, Homer. Huh ? Oh. I love you, Marge. You tell me that all the time. Oh, good, because I do love you. I don't deserve you as much as a guy with a fat wallet...

And if my banker's watching, let nothing stop you from payment of this check. Ah, the catwalk. A perfect vantage point... for revenge.

Um... is it right to buy a Chrysler? Yes-- for great is the car with power steering and Dyna-Flo suspension.

to join them in a salute to the greatest hemisphere on earth-- the Western Hemisphere ! The dancin'est hemisphere of all ! Dancing, dancing, dancing

Yes, I admit it. I hated him ! His hackneyed shenanigans robbed me of my dignity for years. I played the buffoon while he squandered a fortune on his vulgar appetites. That's why I framed Krusty ! And I would have gotten away with it too if it weren't for these meddling kids. Take him away, boys.

Hubba-hubba. Stop that! I love my wife and family. All I'm gonna use this bed for is sleeping, eating and maybe building a little fort. That's it! Free mouthwash! Free shampoo! Free shower curtain! Free shower curtain! Mindy? Homer?

Hey, somebody screwed up bad. You've got all these big comics lined up for your show, but there's no Krusty. Who? Krusty the Clown. Funniest man alive, prince of pies, the sultan of seltzer? Excuse me, sir. Do you like to laugh? Well, only if something tickles me just right.

Chair goes round. Chair goes round. Hey, Homer, you busy? - Yes. - There's a new guy at the plant. Maybe we ought to say hi to him. I don't know. I'm kind of dizzy. I should probably go home sick.

Oh, that man is so rude. Yeah. If you don't mind, we're trying to watch the mov--

See you tomorrow, Lisa! We find out what five minus three is! Um, I'm a teacher's aide in a very special class. No, Lisa. We're both in-- Go! Go! Go! Why do people run from me?

He's about to learn the most important lesson in the music business. Don't trust people in the music business.

Well, here we are.

Let's see. Good deed. Gotta find a good deed.

Not by the hairs on our chinny chin chins.

Uh, sure. Why not? Hello, little girl.

That's wonderful. But still, can't you do anything for Bart? Marge, he's five. His life is over. Lisa's the wave of the future. Wave of the future! That's right, honey. If you nurture her gift now, there's no telling what she can do. Wow, just think of the possibilities.

We decided we better start living in the fast lane. What if I'm not a success? How will you pay for all this? I'm sorry. I can't hear you, son. I'm wearing a jacuzzi suit. I just missed out...

He's going to baptize our children? Oh, no. In the eyes of God, they'll be Flanderseseseses.

The guys made kind of a mess in your bathroom. What bathroom?

That piece of junk ? Forget it. We're gonna get a new TV. Twenty-one inch screen, realistic flesh tones... and a little cart so we can wheel it into the dining room on holidays. Yea ! Oh, Homer, we love you.

That funk must be coming from one of the classrooms. Ugh! Ah, poor fellow, crushed by his own water bottle. Willie. Sometime over the holiday weekend, the beloved grade-four gerbil,

Drederick Tatum. Your behavior is-- It's unconscionable.

Here's your apology back, Mr. Simpson, and I'm sorry we couldn't work this out. Don't come off all high and mighty with me, Patterson. You can't scare me with your office and your desk and your lamp. I'm not trying to scare you. I'm trying to get my work done. Oh, oh, oh, I get it. Put on a big show for the cameras. What cameras? Why are you still here?

Whoa, man. Look at the size of this thing. I wonder if it really works. 'Cause I got a lot of spying to do.

A counterfeit jeans ring operating out of my car hole! I'm gonna tell everyone. Wait here. Not so fast.

Flowers! Hmm? Oh... Yeah. Lise, your stupid present will only last a week. Mine will sit in the closet for years. Bart, we made her the same thing. Oh! This is even worse than you think! Look!

Hot sauce. Kearney, that could blind someone. You get an A. Mmm.

It's happening. My horoscope was right! So long, Johnny Tremain. Your Newberry Award won't save you now! Not Huck Finn! I spent hours crossing out the sass-back! We're gonna crash!

But rock stars are supposed to be about drinking and getting drunk and boozing it up. And girls that have legs and know how to use them. And why I cant drive 55l You just want mindless, generic rock? Precisely! Uh- J;

My purpose in life is to witness this moment.

Mmm. Mmm. Well, we're still poor. But thanks to your father, we'll never go hungry. Speaking of which, how about seconds? Comin' up!

So, how are things at home? We flushed the gator down the toilet, but it got stuck halfway. Now we have to feed it. I'll bet you want a piece of me. Well, you ain't gonna get it, see? Doggone it.

Well, sir, we got a scorcher today. And to cool off, nothin' beats Fruitopia-- the iced tea brewed by hippies, but distributed by a heartless, multinational corporation.

We have a "love eight" relationship. Yes, Kent Brockman, Channel 6. How would you respond to people who say this kind of multiple birth... is more suited to, say, a possum than a human being? Who would say such a thing? Well, pundits, wags. I'm not the one on trial here.

We need someone to teach a course on how to build a successful marriage. I'll do it! Anything to get me out of that house, away from all that nagging and noise, uh, of a family of love. Sha-la-la-la

I played Blanche DuBois. Mm-hmm. just part of the fun of going to an all-male school. Hello! I am Llewellyn Sinclair. I have directed three plays in my career, and I have had three heart attacks. That's how much I care. I'm planning for a fourth.

Oh-- What was I laughing at now? Oh, yes. That crippled Irishman.

Yeah. How'd you know the Chinese were spying on you? I just naturally assumed. That is the stupidest story I ever heard.

Now that was an accident. Really? Well, thanks. Could you validate my parking? Absitively posolutely. So, Flanders, have you sold anything? Not yet, but one of the mall security guards took a long look at a left-handed ice cream scoop.

Finally in 1992, I was reunited with that chair. It wasn't quite the same. Good God. I'm at war with a little girl.

And, sure, he's probably so insane with rage... that he'd butcher you horribly if he could. But he's safely locked away. - In a medium-security prison. - For life! Unless he gets out somehow. Which is impossible! Or so you think. Except he's done it so many times before. Thanks for trying, guys. But Sideshow Bob wants me dead.

Coming up: Was the dream really over? Yes, it was. Or was it? And Homer finds a new passion: dusting and polishing mixing boards.

A cougar! Die, cougar! Ow! My leg! Oh, geez! Got that cat right in the leg. Dad, you shot Moe! Oh, no! This time I really am gonna faint.

Homer had a piece of food on his face for three days. It wasn't little either.

Uh-oh. This is all Bart's fault. Let's get him.

Well, between us we've read all 814 issues of Radioactive Man. Yeah, and we both have a special, limited-edition issue... where he and Fallout Boy get killed on every page. I suppose you know then, that Hollywood is planning... a feature film about Radioactive Man. I have got to do something... about that air conditioner suction.

Our lives are at the hands of men no smarter than you or I,

Listen, lady, you don't have t-- They've never improved on iodine.

Look at these courses you'll be taking. Advanced Peekaboo. (MAGGIE GIGGLING) Got Your Nose and Other Lies. (READING) (LAUGHING) I'm slapping this sucker right over "Support Our Troops."

"The Simpsons Halloween Special."

Oh! So he's the strudel-sucking globbenheimer who has bankrupted them with his expensive treatments. "Strudel-sucking globbenheimer." You need to think about that. That's what the human race thinks of you. (GASPS) Problem number 35 with America, no universal health care.

I told you this was a bad idea. All right, all right! I'll get rid of the trampoline. Hey, Krusty. I'm bringing back the-- You just keep right on driving.

See ya in hell. Still pushin' that boulder? Uh-huh. Excuse me. I'm john Smith. John Smith, 1882? My mistake.

No. That tells me you need four new tires. Really? Yeah. Legally, I can't even let you drive out of here. Oh, please, can't you let me slide this time? Gee, I'd really like to, but if my boss found out-- What's going on over here? You gonna let this man drive out of here on unsafe tires?

Bash their butts! Kick their shins! Kill the dorks! Bash their butts! Run away!

Ooh. Ooh. Hey, look. It's the stripper from the kids' show! She makes payin' attention cool. Oh!

I've got a special delivery for Homer Simpson. Uh, that's me. Stop stealing golf balls from the driving range. Homer simpson, I've got a, uh, special delivery for you. Go away. If you do not open the door, Mr. Simpson,

(GASPING) (SCREAMING) Shut it! Shut it! (GRUNTS) Moe, you've won. I'll see you at baggage claim. Hot damn, I won!

Hey, kids ! I spy Itchy and Scratchy off the port bow ! Hey, down in front. Shut up, boy.

Somebody up there likes me, Smithers. Somebody down here likes you too, Sir. shut up ! Doh ! Whoo ! Doh ! Whoo ! Doh ! Whoo ! Doh ! Whoo ! Doh ! Whoo-hoo !

Prove me wrong, kids. Prove me wrong.

I'm gonna enjoy this.

- Why, you little-- - Uh-oh. What's going on out there ? I think Bart's stupid again, Mom. Oh, well.

Help! We have to disable its central processor. Come on!

So, who are you guys anyhow? Agents Mulder and Scully, F.B.I. F.B.I., huh? Uh, excuse me. All right, they're on to us! Get him back to Sea World! So I says, blue M&M, red M&M--

Where do we get these placebos? Maybe there's some in this truck!

Every last one of 'em! Want results? You have to go to the Schwarzeneggers, the Stallones, and to a lesser extent, the Van Dammes.

Dude, we've been here all morning.

Hmm. Should I or shouldn't I ? Hey, everybody, I'm home. Bart, you're home ! Oh, my special little guy ! We were so worried ! Oh, it's great to have you back, boy. We were afraid we'd lost you !

What? Let me see that. "Interior: Coroner's office. "Close-up on Dr. Winslow's mangled corpse. Coroner: Let's get that brain out and weigh it and call it a day." Yep, that does sound kind of bad.

I'm not a cop. Okay. I sense you live with much misery. The perfect crime. Marge, I have to be in court next Tuesday. I sense I should not take a check.

Like one out of every nine Americans I'm left-handed, and let me tell you it ain't all peaches and cream. Your writing gets smeared.

Hello there, sailor! I'm here and fabulous! Now I'd like to make a motion. Wooh!

Higher! Higher! Oh, I'll give you higher, my filthy little urchin. You've won this round.

Simpson, huh ? Simpson ! Why, there's a letter here from you. I'll just read it right now. "Dear Mr. Burns, "I'm so glad you enjoyed my son's blood, and your card was just great." Why, Simpson, you've made my day. You're a true gentleman.

Yeah, "groovy."

Oh, we were on a break. Time is money, man. Huh? What is this place? We are the largest organic juice company in Springfield. We grow our own vegetables and process them right here,

(GRUNTS) Nice try, boys. Now, as the Road Runner said to the Coyote, "Meep meep!" (MOANS) Everyone in town is wise to us. We need someone new we can prank. (TIRES SCREECHING) (GRUNTS)

Well, come on! Use your imaginations! No, Dad.

Mother. Superintendent Chalmers! Skinner! What I wouldn't give for something... to interrupt this awkward moment. That'll do nicely.

Clothes! We're saved! - Oh, these have pleats. - just grab 'em! I'm okay, honey. Now listen very carefully. I want you to pull on the thing...

Sideshow Bob used to be Krusty the Clown's sidekick.

Now, make no mistake. When I say "first aid,"

Yep. Our family is as functional as all get out. Could this be the end of our series... of events? Can I help you? Yeah. I'm looking for Homer Simpson.

Everything I know tells me this story doesn't end... with us sitting here and you telling it to us. Get off the edge of your seat. They got married, had kids and bought a cheap TV. Bringing up a son, even a blind one, isn't a lifetime occupation. The more you help 'em,

Don't worry, Homer. We'll just have to stretch your Christmas bonus... even further this year. Homer ? Oh, yeah. My Christmas bonus.

You can't keep blaming yourself. just blame yourself once and move on. You know who the real victim is in all this-- Milhouse.

People of Earth, we come to you in the spirit of hostility and menace. Now, we can resolve our differences peacefully. Uh... ow! Your superior intellect is no match for our puny weapons.

Shut up! Excuse me.

The Murder House!

Fools. Oops. Still on.

We need the outlet for our rock tumbler. Plug it in! Plug it in! What, the rock tumbler or the TV? The TV! The TV!

Aaah! A coconut bagel? Like poison it tastes! All right, I'll tell you a secret. My bagels are nothing but week-old doughnuts. Oh, who am I to point the finger? I once ran over a guy in a parking lot, and dumped the body on a golf course.

Oh, that Homer-- always getting into trouble. And if you're one of the millions who enjoys his adventures--

Give them the plant, Homer! No. I'd rather die! Aah! Take it! Well, what a lovely gift. Gotta run.

Okay, people, out of my freezer! But we're hot and elderly! I'm sorry, these are reserved for the recently deceased.

- Mom... - Mom... Can you sign my..? Where's my lucky red cap..? I hate those pimento things... I split my pants again. Ooh! Can I have two sandwiches? I got a test today... I can't eat those... One a time! One at time!

And may we burn in painful and foul-smelling fire... forever and ever. A... Men-nonite minister... will be giving a guest sermon next Sunday.

Money fight! Mmm. Excellent, Zutroy. Work hard and each day you'll get a shiny penny. Agent Wesson, Department of Labor.

Troy, Mac Parker. Ever hear of Planet of the Apes? Uh, the movie or the planet?

Get out of here, you little pisher. Oy, this guy's tough. We'll have to outsmart him. He's pretty sharp.

Leave Ned alone. Thank you, Homer. He can't admit he likes her till he's sure she likes him back. And there's only one way to find out. Does Rachel like Ned? It says I have cooties. Flanders has cooties! Flanders has cooties!

What a fun-filled evening. Ladies and gentlemen, the ten-year-old who's brave and bold. When he's not in class, he's risking his ass.

No! This family stinks! Mr. Burns nurtures my destructive side. I'm suffocating here.

Drederick Tatum.

Oh, my God! Krusty's shoes! Okay, folks, show's over. Nothing to see here.

Hey, I got an idea. We can play a game to pass the time.

Sounds interesting. You know, I spend all day alone with Maggie, and sometimes it's like I don't even exist. Sounds interesting.

You can't stay in there forever ! I can try. March your butt right out here, now ! No way, man. But-- Son, if you don't come out, I can't hug you and kiss you and make you feel all better. You think I'm dumb enough to fall for that ? I'm insulted.

"Where's my spy camera ?" Where's my spy camera ? Where's my spy camera, lady ? Every day for the last six months-- Where's my spy camera ? Where's my spy camera ? Where's my spy camera ?

Well, aren't you being a tad melodramatic, Ned?

Stop it, Lisa! That shut her up.

I want to go home.

Your burgers are getting cold, guy-- Holy moly.

Mike Rotch ! Hey, has anybody seen Mike Rotch lately ? Listen to me, you little puke !

Did you see this, Bernice? Eh-- Oh, my.

Could you explain your model, young man? What's to explain? He's an idiot! Pipe down! Well, basically, I just copied the plant we have now.

Judge Snyder? While we're young? Oh, sorry. Oh, my. Looks like you were the ringleader in this car theft! And that's a felony!

- Who's that, George? - That's me with Charlton Heston. He was-- Who's that, George? You wouldn't know him. That's Bob Mosbacher. He was secretary of-- That's a dumb name. Who's that, George? Maybe he thinks "Bart" is a dumb-- - How many times were you president, George? - just once.

They changed Malibu Stacy! She is better than ever. Wait! Don't be fooled.

(RUMBLING) Oh, my God! Oh! Ooh. Be careful, Mom! There's hot lava under the ground! Actually, when it's underground, lava is called magma! You're so smart, Chloe!

Let's just have some milk and go to bed. Hey. This milk's broken. It's got a computer chip in it. Everything does.

Look, Mom. They have your dress. Thirty-three cents? I paid almost double that. Blue? Wow! This plankton's only 33 cents. According to the Mexican Council of Food, this expired two years ago.

Aw, we wish you could eat us, too. Hey! Attention. While you've been showering here, I sold all your clothes. (ALL GROAN) Again? I've run out of pie-related puns! (ALL LAUGHING)

I didn't have my usual songwriter tonight. So, I took a stab at writing my own song. Something that expresses what's really in my heart. Bernie, if you please?

- The forks. Use the forks. - Oh. Yes!

Hee-hee-hee! I got your doughnut, Lard Lad! And what are you gonna do about it?

she said any way you want it that's the way you need it any way you want it

This is a proud day. Now, when people ask if we're in compliance with the Americans with Disabilities Act of 1975, I can say, "We are closer than ever before!"

The point is the camera loves him. But that trivializes the whole idea of Kidz Newz. I mean, let's be honest. Bart's not exactly the brightest penny in the fountain. In English, Lisa. Damn blueberry stains. Look. I love Bart, but he's never even read a newspaper.

We had one family who had to take in dry-cleaning. The chemicals killed their dog! Well, that's what they told us in the lawsuit. I don't see a dog living past 14 anyway, do you? (GROANS) They can't see or hear us, right? We're not the Ghost of Christmas Past, Bart. They can see us.

I'd kill for some waffles. He has. Remember the iHOP in Oakland? That's-- Hey, this is a lot better than that rancid filth we find in the Dumpsters.

Mom, it's lame to be proud of being lame. Well, life is like a box of chocolates. Mom, no! Mom! You never know-- what you're gonna get. Ninety-nine cents?

Yeah! I'm not racing! It's me, Marge Simpson. No. You eat my dust! Hoo-hoo!

Please to explain it. Ah. Yeah. Well, whenever you notice something like that, a wizard did it. I see. All right. Yes. But in Episode AG4-- Wizard. Ah, for glavin out loud.

Why do you read that "Free" column, Homer? They never have anything good. Oh, my God! What is it? "Tramampoline." "Trambapoline." He said what now? Please, don't bring home any more old crutches.

Maybe you could take a class at Springfield Community College. I think it's a very nice idea. Don't you, Homer ? Do I have to do anything ? No. Great. Fine. Go nuts. Mmm ! Only 35 calories.

Uh-oh. Kwyjibo on the loose.

Here's a coupon for some crab claws. Hey, this is expired! There you are. Come on! We have to go! Dad pushed a waitress, and Mom lost $20,000.

...blarney. Shh!

I got a job here, so I can watch over you like a mother hen. His dad's a screw! I sure am. Here you go, Son. I brought you a lollipop from the guards' lounge. Not so tough now, huh? HOMER: Yeah. (BUZZING) Well, that's the end of my shift. See you Monday.

All the good graves are taken. Or find inclusion in the tribe by caring for vulnerable young cubs. Hmm. Lisa, basic cable said I should nurture you. Great! Will you play Malibu Stacy with me?

$5.99? What a rip-off! Someone should shoot you. Aw! I was hoping we'd miss the 3:00 holdup. I don't know what to do for dinner now. Maybe we could shop somewhere else. There's a farm stand next door. (CHICKENS CLUCKING) Interesting.

Yeah! Pushy dolphins. I-I-I tuned out. Where-Where we going? Wait! Stop! We can outsmart those dolphins! Don't forget we invented computers,

Here's a good job at the fireworks factory. Those perfectionists ? Forget it. How 'bout this ?

Mom, Dad, there's something I have to do. You're not gonna like it, but I really believe it's the right thing. Marge, she's gonna narc on our stash. We don't have a stash. No. Of course not.

Hey, kids! Nachos, Flanders-style! That's cucumbers with cottage cheese! Oh, Bart. I know you're still getting adjusted here. Tell you what. We'll do whatever you wanna do. Watch itchy & Scratchy!

(GASPS) Dad, that's my fourth grade teacher! (STUTTERS) Oopsie! Hi, Mrs. K. This is sure weird, huh?

Ooh. Here, Dad. I brought you some nice-- Good news, Lisa. I don't need your mother anymore. I've created a replacement that's superior to her in almost every way. Dad, that's just a plant.

about my busy hands,

Fire in the hole! Jesse? You do yoga? Yeah, but I started before it was cool. My name's Lisa Simpson. I think your protest was incredibly brave.

My Spidey sense is tingling. Anybody call for a web-slinger? No, Celeste. I mean, the things she says are sexist.

Wow. Best eight bucks I ever spent.

So, is Krusty the Clown about to trade in his baggy pants... for the relatively snug uniform of Springfield Penitentiary ? We'll find out tomorrow when his trial begins. Uh, what kind of gun did you use ? Did you use an accomplice ?

I saw Marge kissing a far superior man. Ah, well, if it makes you feel any better, he's probably doing her right now. Oh, yeah. Make me the bad guy. My life here is over. Lenny, how'd you like to leave town with me and never come back? Sounds like a plan.

Don Homer, I have baked a special donut just for you.

(BOTH WHIMPER) A flying rock! Call a geologist! Hmm. "We have kidnapped your son. "Follow instructions and Bart will not be harmed."

'Tis no man. 'Tis a remorseless eating machine. Arr! Six bells. Time for closin'. Can't talk. Eating. Fairly warned be thee, says I. Huh? Hey! Hey! Hey!

I guess I'll never have a baby. Aunt Selma, this may be presumptuous, but have you ever considered artificial insemination? Boy, I don't know. You gotta be pretty desperate to make it with a robot. I knew that.

Hmph! I saw you last night At the spelling bee

Sorry. It's league night. I couldn't give a lane to my own mother. I have no son. Man, you go through life, you try to be nice to people, you struggle to resist the urge to punch 'em in the face, and for what?

Woo-hoo! Free cheese! Homer, that was for the dog. What happened to us, Marge? We used to feed each other cheese and laugh all night.

Now take your check for a hundred thousand dollars and get out of my sight. I don't need your stinkin' money!

A penny. Okay, we wont tell no one about that. Now let's see. What else can we do? We cant tickle Elmo no more. Coochie, coochie coo! - No means no for Eimoi - Ow! And this slinky, these things are fun... for about two seconds.

Aah! Run! Mr. Burns will kill us all! Wait. Don't go.

(CHUCKLES) (LAUGHING MANIACALLY)

An automatic dialer? Is that legal? I don't want you getting arrested, Homer. I won't. Or swindling our neighbors. Let me show you how it works.

Boys love candy. No, thanks. Boys love candy. Eew. I think I'd rather just get to work, ma'am. We'll start with a little light yard work, and when you're done, you can have a nice barley pop. I want you to clear out all the weeds. You do know which ones are weeds ? All of 'em ?

Is there anything else we should know? There's the truth, and the truth! No! No!

Question the first-- Never mind. Sycamore Avenue. Little newark. Little newark. Crackton. Crackton is the stop. Crackton? That doesn't sound right.

Are we there yet ? Are we there yet ? just a little further ! Are we there yet ? Bart, Lisa, if you don't behave, we'll turn this car right around and go home. But, Marge, I want to see my brother. Oh, for God's sakes, Homer, it's an empty threat. Oh. Doh !

Three, four, pick up the floor

It's time for me to bend over and receive my destiny. Thank you, Bart.

An army of dogs! No bully will ever touch me again!

Besides, he's only breaking a silly, 200-year-old law. It is silly, Marge. And look at all the money I'm making! Whoo! Mom! Prohibition may be unpopular, but it's the law, and we still have-- Go to your room, Lisa!

He'll cut your butt from a '52 Ford Oh, move it, Q-tip! Ha!

Hello, kitty. Ow! Oh, yeah, you little scamp!

Ready, switch! Hey, uh, careful, boys. That arch is looking a little Romanesque. Sorry, Daddy. How should I punish myself? No, Son. You let 'em finish, then you smash it. That's a good boy. Mush, Homer! Mush! Catch, Dad! Catch!

You just won yourselves a motorcycle! Whoo-hoo!

Clear! Oh, Doctor, I was in a wonderful place filled with fire and brimstone. And there were all these guys in red pajamas sticking pitchforks in my butt. Mr. Simpson, you must get that operation as soon as possible. I can't afford it. Maybe I should buy one of those machines.

So, what did you kids do today ? Me and the guys went fishing. Almost caught a catfish this big. Ohh. And janey and I went bird-watching. We saw a grackle. Oh, that's nice, dear. Come on, Lis. Let's go finish our soapbox racers. Okay. May we please be excused ?

I should be the happiest kid in the world. But I can't stop thinking about Greta. Oh, you'll win her back, eh? And "B", we're closing in five minutes. Would a U.S. dollar change your mind? American currency! What time would you like your breakfast, sir?

Correction-- free blood.

Fifteen love. Once again, I'm outraged by this last-minute switch. We all got problems. I dropped my cookie.

(PLAYING SAXOPHONE) Not for babies.

Now Lisa's going through this phase where she doesn't eat any meat. So I usually sneak a little meat juice into her vegetables. Wow! You're a real-life Martha Stewart. I mean, without the evil. May I? Mmm, yummers! Nobody's ever called my gravy yummers before.

Huh? A tortoise? "Follow... the--" This must be why I'm here. Follow the what? Follow the what? Hurry up. D'oh! Get moving, you stupid--

Her ring. Well, she's run off-- with Simpson.

Now, quiet! They're about to announce the lottery numbers. Seventeen, 32-- D'oh! five-- D'oh! - eight-- - Whoo-hoo! 47. D'Oh! Attention, students. Please clear out your lockers into the wastebaskets provided.

Whatever you say, Professor. And back you go! Ooh! Hey! No, no! Don't make me! I don't wanna go back to the nothing! I don't-- Oh, dear. I've redorkulated. Hey, smart move, four-eyes.

You said I should quit my job and become an inventor, or you'd torch the house. That doesn't sound like me. Well, I suppose if this doesn't work out, you can always go back to the plant. Not the way I quit. Whoo-hoo.

How can you have a house without a gun? What if a bear came through the door? I'm going to bury it in the yard where little hands can't get to it. You should have fired into the air. She would have run off. People, take it easy.

Aye, once, when I was sailing round the Arctic-- Shut up, you. Take one last look at the sun, Springfield.

Hey! Does this mean that Mrs. Krabappel is a virgin too? Ha! Well, Seymour, it's clear you've been falsely accused, because no one, anywhere, ever... would pretend to be a 44-year-old virgin.

Our next caller is a Springfield boy. My name is Dmitri. I'm a first-time caller, long-time listener. If a son defies his father and chooses a career that makes millions of children happy shouldn't the father forgive the son?

your devotion to your fans is nothing short of remarkable. Well, Wetherby, they took the time to write me, and I don't care if it takes me another 20 years-- I'm going to answer every one of them. Hello ! What's this ? From Springfield, U.S.A. ? Gear !

Well, it was written in 1845. Maybe people were easier to scare back then. Oh, yeah. Like when you look at Friday the 13th, part one.

Uh-oh. I smell another cheap cartoon-crossover. Bart Simpson, meet jay Sherman, the critic. Hello. Hey, man, I really love your show. I think all kids should watch it. I suddenly feel so dirty.

Well, I'm all set. I'm gonna be following the latest designs... from Modern Sandcastle magazine. Well, I'm all set too. Then all that's left is to protect Maggie from the sun. J;

Excuse me. Are you open? Mm-hmm! Open as a tomb on Easter. Now what can I ding-dong-diddily do for ya? Boy, they dont make 'em like you in LA. Oh, I should say not. I gave up on LA. when those TV people made that poor nun fly. All those Puerto Ricans looking up her dress. That's not right.

I'd rather have candy. Not if they were called scum drops. Your new principal would like to say a few words. Remember, you have to respect him. - He's a war hero. - Ha-ha! Thank you, Chalmers. Where I come from, there's no better way to get acquainted... than by reciting the Pledge of Allegiance together.

or "classic," 636 area code... lives on the rich side of town! Oh, poppycock! I never! Eeeww. And as usual, we Joe Twelve-Packs get the royal screw-job! Homer's right! We're gettin' the Joan Collins special!

Mother's neck wattle got caught in a zipper.

I'm afraid he's gone native. (LAUGHING) Whoa! Stop it! Guys, I'm serious! No! Don't worry, Marge. We'll get your boy back. Excuse me. That better be decaf.

Michael JaCkson still was black those were the days

Uh-oh. Silence in my courtroom!

We're halfway through our same-song six-pack. Now let's hear William Shatner's version... of "Everybody Hates Ned Flanders."

But to keep the family from missing out on Christmas, I'd do anything. I'll say, Dad. You must really love us to sink so low. Now, let's not get mushy, son. I still have a job to do. Hey, little ones. Santa's back. Ho ho-- D'oh ! Damn it to--

Oh, no. They're gaining on me. Wait. I have an idea. These wieners will give me the quick energy I need to escape.

Stupid mongoose! Get the snake! The snake! Do i look like a snake? Ow! Ow! Why isn't he listening to me? Ow! Show's over! Show's over! Next show at 8:00 and 10:00.

G'ah! Hey, smooth move, Flanders. And I'm Mrs. Homer Simpson. Here comes that vomit again. Eww. Okay. Okay. Okay.

Marge Simpson's Wasabi Buffalo Wings? Ooh. An Eastern twist on a Western New York favorite. (ALL MOANING)

It's got to have sex appeal... and a catchy name.

What is the meaning of this ? Meaningless, Marge. Don't even attempt to find meaning in it. There's nothing between me and Princess Kashmir.

Boring. I'm telling you, this cilantro really gives it a zing!

Perhaps spending the remainder of your life in a madhouse... will teach you some manners. Ha-ha!

I don't think we should be driving here. The mayor's yelling at us. Stop, you idiots! All right. All right. Geez! Okay, honey. Remember where we're parked.

the most villainous blackguard to be held in this tower since Edward the Puppy Eater. (ALL EXCLAIMING IN HORROR) Look at his great staring eyes. Like saucers they are. (IN MOCK BRITISH ACCENT) He claimed he was me father, he did. Bart, you're not helping. Poke the monster with a stick! Tuppence a jab!

Ooh. That date will not be easy to top. But we shall see. Anybody up for some clog dancing? Why don't you try and stop me?

I know how you feel, Lise. No kid wants to outlive their pet.

Mr. Simpson, this government computer can process over nine tax returns per day. Did you really think you could fool it? No, sir. I'm really sorry, sir. An older boy told me to do it.

(OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYING) Please don't take me. Take Milhouse. We all know there's no happy ending there. Your time is up. This is for Snowball I and JFK! Ow!

No, that stinks. Let me try one. "This is Geraldine, and the devil made me miss your call, "so here come the beep. Here come the beep!" "Do the message!" So long. I'm gonna sleep over at Ralph's.

Your grave sites will go untended and vandalized. Ha-ha! Mr. Simpson, your intelligence profile indicates that you're too... "stupid" to stick to a budget. Yes. Go on. So, let me put this simply. You need more money. But how do I get it? I'm a financial planner, not a financial consultant. Sorry.

Nelson Muntz. The cold, hard process of elimination places the "H"... squarely in your locker. Ha-ha! Damn! Dang! Darn!

And finally, the little spot under your nose. Next, we take some toilet paper, tear off some teensy little squares... and stick one there and there and anyplace you're bleeding. There and there. Don't worry. The blood'll hold it right on your face.

Oh-- Oh, great! Somebody stop that awful, awful man! Oh.

Operator, get me Thailand.

April Foo-- That sounded like an explosion at the old Simpson place. Forget it. That's two blocks away. Looks like there's beer coming out of the chimney. I am proceeding on foot. Call in a code eight.

I seem to have mashed more hair into it. Oh, well. Ice cubes are useless, man. Chewing gum's got to be chewed out. Does the whole town have to hear about this? Arr! Have ye tried a Baltic squid? They can suck the bolts out of a submarine's hull.

Let's go, Marge. Leave the baby with his little crib.

Hey! A baseball field! Batter up! Go, baby! Steal second! I think I'm gonna puke! Hey, who's on first?

Dr. Wolfe likes to pull kids' teeth, so he can sell 'em. To who? You know that rattle when you shake up spray paint? That's a kid's tooth.

No, it's a goat! You know, one of them lady goats. There are no lady goats. A lady goat is a sheep. I believe she's right. You're crazy.

Man, this is crazy. I hope I didn't brain my damage. I better check my pupils.

All right, Econo-Save, you just made the list. Hey, will you guys help me fix my-- Hey, how come you guys got better chairs than me?

They don't call me Colonel Homer because I'm some dumb-ass army guy.

She has the reflexes of a young Mary Lou Retton. Have a "wowwipop." Can I have a lollipop? Oh, Bart, I'm afraid that was the last one. But I've got something even better for you-- a rubella inoculation.

The mother's the voice of reason. Here come the cricket bats.

I wrote some jokes about how white people are different from black people. Hmm. How you doin', Mr. Burns? Jerry Rude. Welcome to the show. I am pleased to-- All right, let's get this geezer out quick so we can bring in the lesbian gladiators. You see, white people have names like Lenny, whereas black people have names like Carl.

Wait, wait, wait, wait ! Let me see if I got this straight. It's Christmas day, 4:00 a.m., there's a rumble in my stomach-- Homer, please. Your old man sure loves pork chops !

It takes two to lie-- one to lie and one to listen. What does that mean? I don't have time to answer that.

Let's watch some more of those fabulous Simpsons outtakes. Apu living with the Simpsons? It happened. And here's a scene you didn't see. I'm hoping you enjoy this movie. It made every Indian critic's Top 400 list.

Now I have a purpose, a reason to live. I don't care who I have to face. I don't care who I have to fight. I will not rest until this street gets a stop sign ! Next on the agenda. Police Chief Wiggum...

Oh, enchiladas!

Hey, guys, just so you don't hear any wild rumors, I'm being indicted for fraud in Australia. That's no reason to block the TV. Oh, my.

This week we're appraising antiques in Springfield. This gentleman's beer tap dates back to the turn of the century, and remarkably, seems to have never been washed. Yeah, yeah, I've been meaning to wash that, but-- it's been such a century. At auction, I'd expect this to bring $20,000 to $30,000,

No minors. Yeah, but I really want-- Sorry, Son. Although they seem strange to us, we must respect the ways of the Indian. Hi, how are ya? Hi, how are ya? Hi, how are ya? Hi, how are ya?

For the last time, yes !

Okay. But at least let me take the boat out for one last spin. Oh, I don't know. Too late! Oh, Lord, please give me the strength...

See you in hell, candy boys!

Joy to the world The Lord is come Let Earth receive her king Let every-- - Season's greetings. - Peace out.

"J. Simp-son. Hands off !" Look, Mom, I finished my patch.

Please pass your father the syrup, Lisa. Bart, tell Dad I'll only pass the syrup if it won't be used on any meat product. You dunking your sausages in that syrup, homeboy? Marge, tell Bart I just want to drink a nice glass of syrup like I do every morning. Tell him yourself. You're ignoring Lisa, not Bart. Bart, thank your mother for pointing that out.

Wow! I will never wash these eyes again.

Homer, are you wearing a tie to impress Laddie? Do you think he noticed?

Lisa! Save me! Hang on, Dad!

And Ted Koppel is a robot. There's you, Dad!

This is all that's left... of one of the crappiest trains ever built. Mr. Kobb, what can we do? You just better have a damn good conductor. I locked my keys in there. Get a rock.

Hello? Hello? Hellodilly-odilly?

You mean this boy here? No! No. Lisa Simpson. When was the Battle of New Orleans? january 8, 1815. Two weeks after the war ended. First-rate. What's a battle? Let's go. Did that boy say, "What's a battle?" He said, "What's that rattle?"

All you have to do... is think about your most cherished memories.

Snake? But you're dead. I know you are, but what am I? No. No. No!

Sorry. Boy, these cars are surprisingly roomy. Yeah, we like to bring our families along on the longer races.

I hope this turns the tide. Ooh, just gorgeous. Now we can be twins.

It is time. Give Simpson... the key.

You said something about a hot meal? (CLEARING THROAT) (THUDDING) CHILDREN: Yeah!

Will it be as successful? Only time will tell. Well, Dad, I guess you won. No, son. We both won. You don't know it now, but I've started you on the road... to somewhere very special.

It'll be good for the economy. You look great! Really? You like it? Oh, I'd love to wear this someplace special. Sperlock's Cafeteria it is.

Well, what do we have here? Looks like the biggest rip-off since Webster. Please, Mr. Coleman. We can explain. I'm listening. Your toy company is evil. Well, isn't it possible for an evil company to make people happy? Are you saying the end justifies the means? That's a very glib interpretation.

Welcome back to Pigskin Preview! Denver/Green Bay-- Who do you like? That's football, right? Well, I'm gonna take the Broncos in this game, 'cause the Packers will be blinded by Jerry's tie. Tremendous.

Yeah? Well, it serves you right for eavesdropping.

Would you two just shut up! Sure, we lied. We lied so we could spend a single night as a married couple without worrying about you kids. Those days are over. Give it up.

Get it off, get it off, get it off! Here we have an Alaskan timber wolf. He weighs 240 pounds, and his jaws can bite through a parking meter. He does get spooked by loud noises. "Loud"? That's our secret word for the day!

Marge, i had a Lot of calls about you. Customers love your no-pressure approach. Well, like we say, "The right house for the right person." Listen, it's time I let you in on a little secret, Marge. The right house is the house that's for sale.

Yes? Yeah. Uh, hi. My-My name is Larry. I'm here to see Mr. Burns.

Don't end up like me. Vote Republican. God bless America. This cartoon was made in Korea. Burns owns everything! I've got to speak out before it's too late! D'oh! "Dear readers, you hold in your hands "the last paper not controlled by the Burns Media empire.

Oh, boo yourself. Our demands are simple. A small cost-of-living increase and some better equipment and supplies for your children. Well, that's easy. Give it to 'em. Yeah, in a dream world. We have a very tight budget.

That's a lot of latke! (GRUNTING) Three, two, one, and you're canceled! Strike the set. You have five minutes to get off the lot. Oh...

It won't? I hereby order you to be tethered to your son! Tethered? Tethered. Report to room 5. Room 5?

Now you're talking. Yay! Yay! Wahoo! Look, everybody. My purse exploded! Come on, everybody. We're going to the fanciest restaurant in town.

Son, I need to pee,

Doh ! Mr. Simpson, was that you taking that cowardly dive... into that display of heavily-salted snack treats ? - Yes, sir. - Do you recognize the gunman in this courtroom today ? Yes, I do. Fine. Would you point him out to us ? Okay.

Right before I shot jasper. Hmm. I was busy that night. Stricken, I lurched forth in search of aid. But finding only slack-jawed gawkers, I gave up and collapsed on the sundial. Then, with your last ounce of strength, you pointed to "W" and "S".

but Football in the Groin had a football in the groin. Don't cry for me. I'm already dead. Wow. I'll never drink another beer. Beer here! I'll take 10.

I think it's full, sir. That's ridiculous! The last tree held nine drums.

Because... I was that maniac. Hey, I was just kidding. That's it. He's out of here. But we're the only family he's got. This is not Happy Days, and he is not the Fonz. Hey-y-y, Mr. S.

I really appreciate you taking such an interest in me, Dad. Honey, our time together is precious to me. I didn't want to say anything but I don't think I'm gonna be around much longer. Really? What's wrong? Well, Moe's getting a big screen TV in February. Just in time for the Pro Bowl.

Oh. "They made us."

Now, if everyone would open your prayer books. Aah!

Remember how you got Grampa tarred and feathered? Sure. That was 20 minutes ago. Gonna be in the tub for a while.

I gotta steal that bit. This is boring. I wonder what would happen if you put your train on there. Cool.

Oh, I paid $1,000 for this seat. And I can't even see the game. Just poke through. (SLURPS) Hmm.

You know the funniest thing though? It's the little differences.

Because of last week's problems, we'll be taking certain precautions with this week's collection.

I can't. I promised I wouldn't. Aw, right. You ain't seen nobody. Another good one, moe. Please don't tell anyone we're here. You've got to keep our secret, Homer. Homer, we're out of vodka. Tell the people, Homer. They have a right to know...

Smithers, my heart's pounding like a jackhammer.

People ! What have I told you about encouraging him ? When Bart wins approval for making a fool of himself, it makes him think that he's-- Yea, Bart ! Bart ! Bart ! Bart ! Bart ! Bart ! Bart ! Bart ! Bart ! Hoo, hoo, hoo, hoo, hoo, hoo, hoo, hoo ! "Nobody, "of the hundreds of people that had visited the fair,

Ho-ho. Stupid sheep.

Well, Marge, should I whack slow or fast?

Maybe we should finally tell them the big secret-- that all the chimps we sent into space came back superintelligent. No, I don't think we'll be telling them that.

She's worse than that 80-year-old who pretended to be a freshman. I just wanted a place to sit down.

Yeah. And another great thing-- you get your own bed. Uh, I sleep in a racing car. Do you? I sleep in a big bed with my wife. Oh, yeah. Hey, there, Kirk. Oh, boy! What's going on? Patio party?

Precious alcohol, soaking in the shag!

You heard the principal. Everyone gets one apple and a handful of relish! If you don't eat your relish, you're not getting any mayonnaise. Screw this. The rest of you can stay here like dorks, but I'm going home.

One way or another I'm gonna win ya I'm gonna getcha getcha getcha getcha One way or another I'm gonna see ya I'm gonna meetcha meetcha meetcha meetcha One day, maybe next week I'm gonna meetcha, I'm gonna meetcha I'll meetcha

You know, a tennis court can really make your house look classy. I hear Mel Brooks has one. I mean Sir Mel Brooks. And it's bad news for the gophers. And it's gonna do wonders for our social life. Yeah! It'd be nice to entertain friends and have people over.

Remember that? That was an amazing throw. Ah, how did I lose my passion for the job? When I was in bartending school, I thought I had the world by the jigger. Hey, where'd that painting come from? I put this up recently. And it's a good thing I did 'cause it really illustrates my point. Yeah, good old Swigmore "U."

You gotta get me more beer! Sorry, I'm all out. How about some turpentine? Or caulk? Delicious caulk? Look, find it, buy it, make it-- I don't care. - just get me some booze, and fast! - Make it, eh? Forty-two bathtubs, please. You know, they're 50 for $3,000 today.

How I loathe him!

Should auld acquaintance be forgot and never

You have chosen wisely. But, please, don't believe me. Observe this commercial.

No! No! Let me go! I knew you'd come crawling back. How much do you want? A million dollars and three Hawaiian islands-- good ones, not the leper ones. Done! Now give me that bear! Whoo-hoo! I'm rich! Rich, I tells ya!

Don't you see? He's pointing out how sexist men can be. Yeah. Listen to the tomato with the melons. Ooh! Three-bean salad! Sorry. You can't join us. This is a $100-a-plate Krusty fund-raiser. For 200, you get a picture with me.

and tonight, in her syndicated TV debut-- Lurleen!

Lousy. He just sits there all day. He'd have a great job if he didn't own the place. Crummy right-handed corkscrews. What does he sell? Uh... well, actually, Moe, uh... I don't know.

I'm talking about treating serious injuries. Serious injuries. Oh, that's gold. Mom, Mom. I stepped in a bear trap. Sounds like you need some... first aid.

For the love of God, cut to the commercial! Poor Krusty!

Ow! I've never seen a brain freeze this bad.

Luke, I am your father. This is CNN. Will you guys pipe down? I'm sayin' good-bye to Lisa. We're sorry. I don't want you to go. Sorry, but I have to. Good-bye. Good-bye.

Oh, it shows. I havent had a strangle that smooth since I was four.

If you don't come, Roofi will be sad. And the helpful bear, she will die! (COUGHING) Tickets, tickets buy them now Roofi he will show you how Visa, AMEX or MC

You took a baptismal for me. How do you feel? Oh, Bartholomew, I feel like St. Augustine of Hippo... after his conversion by Ambrose of Milan. Wait! Homer! What did you just say?

Praise God. That thug has finally gone home for the day. Now I can make my escape. Hi, Mr. Burns. You want your coffee now? No. I'm, uh, making it myself. Hear that?

like my loafers former gophers it was that or skin my chauffeurs but A greyhound-fur tuxedo would be best so let's prepare these dogs kill two For matching clogs

a bunch of escaped, infected monkeys are roaming the expressway. Despite the sweltering heat, don't unroll your windows, 'cause those monkeys seem confused and irritable. Hee-hee-hee! I pity those poor suckers on the freeway. Gas, brake, honk. Gas, brake, honk. Honk, honk, punch. Gas, gas, gas.

Maggie, give me that!

Your last act as a mom was to make me a better dad. But at least now, I'll never lose you again. (TIRES SCREECHING) Look out! (EXCLAIMS IN FRUSTRATION)

I'm locking it up in my safe-deposit closet with my other valuables. I'll just leave it in here a few years... and let it appreciate in value. It's probably a million years old, Dad. I think it's as valuable as it's gonna get. That's what they said about this Billy Beer, smarty-pants.

"I think it'd be a gas if you turned that magic bus around "and kept on truckin' to our pig pad." I don't know what you're saying. But I am not turning back. Then listen to me, lady. The only way you're getting off this mountain is in a box or a funicular. What about a hot air balloon? Pipe down, Jules Verne.

Huh? What the- It made another mel How cool is that? Ah- Hmm. No belly button. Shuttle's in the hangar. You want to be my slave?

I don't want to snuggle with Max Power. Nobody snuggles with Max Power. You strap yourself in and feel the G's! Oh, Lord! And it doesn't stop in the bedroom. Oh, no. I'm taking charge. Kids, there's three ways to do things-- the right way, the wrong way and the Max Power way. Isn't that the wrong way?

Bart, Lisa, come here for a minute. You know, son, the day you were born I received the greatest gift a man could have. As the years went by your mother and I were blessed twice more and not a day goes by we don't thank God for all three of you.

Well, the boys and girls are, like, afraid of each other. They're acting like a bunch of--

And if you look to your left, you'll see another endless stretch of stagnant water.

All my life I’ve had one dream- to achieve my many goals. Mr. Burns has never given me a "thumbs up"-. or a "Way to be" or a “You go, girl." No! He just steps all over everyone who works for him...

Oh, G- You’re gonna be just fine. Oh! Hello, Scratchy.

Why did they cancel Futurama? (SCREAMS) You crushed my boyfriend! You better be good at making out!

My God, it's like you've known me all my life.

Mr. Simpson, I can assure you, this check of yours is nonnegotiable. Oh, yeah? Well, what makes you so damn sure? See where it says "Void, void, void" and "This is not a check"? "Cash value 1/20th of a cent." - "Mr. Banker, do not honor." - Shut up.

Hmm? Turn off that racket! Yeah, fat chance, pops. Hello, Grampa, my old friend

Uh, about 23 minutes and 5 seconds.

Well, it's kind of a love song-- all the monsters enjoying each other's company-- dancing, holding their evil in check. You played the wrong record, didn't you? Why are you doing this to me?

Come on, baby. Please, please go in. Please. Doh ! Hi, Simpson. Having fun ? Flanders ! What are you doing here ? Oh, just playing a little mini-golf with the Todd-meister. Hi, Bart ! Get bent.

Yeah, that. It looked just like that. Apu, say hello to Punam, Sashi, Pria, Uma, Anu, Samdeep, Nabindu, and Mama's clear favorite, Geet. How did we get eight? Apu, I must confess.

Oh, come here. Oh, my goodness! Look!

Look, Mr. Burns, we want to see some changes. For starters, you can reverse your sexist employment policies and hire at least one woman. All right. I'll bring in a woman. But I still stand by my hiring policies. Get back to work, Stewart!

"The little girl's intransigence cost her the college of her choice." lntransigence. Daddy made it for your dance recital, honey! Dad, you do care! Damn right! You’re number one on my menu. Now supersize it! With you here, I cant fail.

¡Buenas noches, SeÑoritas! What did he say? What did he say? Was that about me? Okay, Otto. Pressure's on. Don't choke. Don't choke. Don't choke. Don't... choke. Oh, man! I knew I was gonna choke. That's a funny-lookin' strike. Come on, guys.

Yea! Yea! You know, part of spending time together as a family... is spending time apart as individuals. Parents Island? Yuh-huh. I'm sure we'll appreciate each other all the more when we meet up at dinner. Are you kids gonna be all right? Kids?

are going to be at the recital next week.

People, rest assured the police department's ineptitude shall not stand. I am announcing the formation of a blue-ribbon committee. A committee? Did he say "blue-ribbon"? Committees don't get any better than that. Man, am I appeased. So, uh, can we keep the stuff we stole?

Missed a spot. Dopey kid. Coming through. Step aside, lady. Mmm, baby. How was class? We learned how to rip a man's heart out and show it to him before he dies. That will learn them.

I don't understand, Professor. Why didn't your tests show the skeleton was a fake? I'm gonna be honest with you, Lisa. I never did the tests. Uh, sir, about that, uh-- that kiss-- I-- I hope you understand it was merely a sign of my respect.

Ah, that's Ned Flanders. (CHUCKLES) There's one in every neighborhood. (PAGER BEEPING) Oh, sorry, man. I gotta go. This says my kid attempted something. I hate the way these things cut off. Goodbye, Ray! Bye!

Honestly, Smithers, I don't know why Harvard even bothers to show up. They barely even won. Their cheating was even more rampant than last year, sir.

Done and done, sir. (GRUNTS) Hold on a minute. Governor, I've been using my powers of snitching for evil, but now I want to tattle for good. This prison is a hellhole. They feed us horse meat, with traces of jockey meat!

May I type my report? It'll be easier on teacher's eyes. Yes. In fact, why doesn't everyone type their paper? Great idea, Martin. Can the paper be 10 pages minimum?

Well, I did, but you shouldn't.

(SPUTTERING) (GASPS) Homer, do something about this leak. Don't worry, Marge. Hot Wheels to the rescue!

Yeah, you hags are all right. What did you get? A candied apple. I got a caramel cod. You know, scaring people into giving us treats is fun. We should do this every year.

Noooooo! Marge, I don't really wanna go through with this. But being an astronaut is how I got you to respect me.

Sarge, we keep getting orders to let the virus win.

I don't know, Lise. To be honest, that verdict made me pretty angry. Bart's with us, law girl. Step aside. Hey, man. Leave my sister alone! Oh, so you're one of them. So be it. Kill the dorks! Bash their butts!

Corpse you up and mail you to mama! Well, where'd he go? Oh, got my knuckles all lined up for nothing. Sorry, ladies.

See? That's what I'm saying. Well, a little do-re-mi will smooth this over. He doesn't want your dirty money. Oh, come now. Everyone has his price. Not my dad. Shh, shh. The grown-ups are talking, honey. Dad, how can you put a price on your dignity? She's right.

Sometimes he doesn't know whether he's coming or going. He wants to sell your future short.

Loyal Stonecutters, let us begin our reenactment of the Battle of Gettysburg.

"and start again at your beginnings... "and never breathe a word about your loss, "yours is the Earth... "and everything that's in it, "and, which is more, you'll be a man, my son." You'll be a bonehead ! Come on !

What the hell is that?

Thank you. Thank you very much.

and getting it by fraud? Hmm. I suppose, maybe, if, uh-- No. No, sorry. I thought I had it there for a sec. Psst. Lisa, check it out. Tomorrow's fraction quiz. I'll give you the numerators free, but the denominators are gonna cost ya.

Oh! Uh! Oh... Oh! Oh... Homer, come down for dinner. Did you make enough for Ray? Oh! Ray's not coming! He is, too!

Oh, so close. Bart! Son of a-- Oh, my God! Okay, we'll call it even if I can just have some of that big sandwich.

to be open-minded, try new things, live life to--

Will you take us to Mt. Splashmore ? No. - Will you take us to Mt. Splashmore ? - No. - Will you take us to Mt. Splashmore ? - No.

Burn their poop. I am so screwed. I can't drive to work, I can't drive to the store, and I certainly can't drive to the store at work. I guess I'll have to do all your driving chores.

Ahh. Ahh. Way to go, Mom. Homemade dim sum with eight kinds of dipping sauce. This is the best year ofthe rat ever! Well, l have so much free time now that Moe’s our babysitter. Yeah. ts great that Maggie's got a father figure in her life.

I can't take money from a neighbor. Although business at the Leftorium's been pretty slow since that big chain store came to town. (SIGHS) You've got a big house, Ned. If you need extra money, why don't you rent out a room? Well, it might be fun to be a landlord... Land fella. There's only one Lord.

I have feared it for long enough now. I'm going to go down to the Kwik-E-Mart, and I am going to face my demon! Oh, that'll work out great! We're out of Lucky Charms.

Examine your scalp for ringworm. Hello, hotline? I'm very tempted by another woman. Homer Simpson, that's a dilly of a pickle. Hey, let's conference you with Marge, huh? No!

Ow! That really hurt!

to... play... softball... tomorrow?

You got anything else with our logo on it? Caps and Frisbees, sir. You gotta eat them too! And some pogs. Me and my buds just like to go We're havin' fun Everybody knows We don't fuss and we never cry We just groove takin' in the sights

Approach, my sons. You may ask me three questions. That's great, because all I need is one. Are you really the head of the Kwik-E-Mart? Yes. Really? Yes. You?

but I'm also here to talk about Sprint. As you can see, you stand to save up to 17 cents a month over the more dependable providers. Aw, talk about Star Wars. You stupid nerds! He's trying to save you money on long distance.

Now eat it. All right. Hey, hey! Chew with your mouth closed, please. Sorry. Done. Okay, Meathook. I think he learned his lesson.

Dad! Look! I'm on it! Be careful- Uh-oh. All right, aim for the big hose coming out of his face. What, you mean the trunk? Easy there, college boy.

Hey, game's on! Hey, we were watching that! Come on! Unless you're being ironic, turn that off now. I'm glad you ain't around to see what a mess I made. Oh, but I am.

There he is, off in the distance!

Before a riot could break out, jimmy Carter came to the rescue with his comedy break dancing. Got a brother named Billy and my teeth look silly Break it down now Whoa! Whoa! Come on, you! I'll get--

They're already here

When did that happen? We'll catch ourselves a leprechaun... using these Lucky Charms as bait. D'oh!

Shut up ! Shut up ! D-oh !

All right, all right, who took the funny pages ? So Ziggy goes to the repair shop... and there's a sign on the doorbell reading, "Out of order." Ah, Ziggy. Will you ever win ? Oh, my !

That guy cheapens our whole profession. What do you think of him, Internet Comic?

Let's march all day and clean latrines all night Don't bust me down Let's re-up tonight Let's re-up tonight

"And yet I feel a great sadness... in my bosom." "BOsom." Wait. Wait, there's more. I think that's terrible. A man opens his heart and you make fun of him.

I'm challenging you, Hawk... in front of all these outcasts and dreamers... who cant even get into the army, if you can believe it. Dad, how drunk are you? Not very! You’re going down, Homer. Then back up. Then down. Then back up again. That's how the game is played.

It's supposed to say jay's name, not yours. Oh. You're right. There you-- D'oh! - just a second. Oh, that should-- D'oh! - Hello.

Seems to be caught... between these two flowers. Ow, ow, ow. Seymour, I was thinking of promoting you to assistant superintendent. But, instead, that plum goes to Holloway. No. But, sir, he's a drunk.

Son, this is the only time I'm ever gonna say this. It is not okay to lose. Stay. Stay. Good dog. Now, keep your head down. Doh ! Not you ! I'm talking to the boy.

Oh, look! There's Bart! Wave to him.

Then it's agreed. I'll supply you terrorists with deadly uranium. You are a credit to the great Satan. Oh, pshaw. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. I love spying. Oh, don't worry about those fumes. They'll be sucked into that air vent.

Who is he anyway? Uh, Homer Simpson, sir. One of your organ banks from Sector 7G.

Dad! That's an ambulance! Oh, right. ambulance! Think you're so big with your siren... and your letters on backwards!

so too can the end of menstruation be a time of radiance and celebration. Sure, you may experience mood swings, loss of desire, and private dryness. But don't worry. You can still do everything that you did before. Everything? Including having children? Ma'am, we're trying to make a video here.

When I catch you, I'm gonna pull out your eyes and shove 'em down your pants... so you can watch me kick the crap outta you!

Is this about that trip Barney and I took to Machu Picchu?

Marge, your pro-mop/anti-horse agenda has been clear for some time. But don't worry. I have a way for Duncan to earn his keep.

Hey. If you guys made breakfast, where's Mom? Here I am. But thanks to Stabby-Oh's, most of me is still in bed. That ad campaign may have crossed a line.

You see? It tells you exactly what's on the baby's mind. Maggie. Maggie. Where did you go? Peekaboo! Oh, there you are. Very amusing. Homer, now what do you think?

Yes, sir. Huzzah for the shopkeep. Huzzah! Homer, affordable tract housing made us neighbors but you made us friends.

Get on with it, Gil. Homer, shouldn't you go pick up Grampa ?

How about you, Lenny? Testing, testing. Lenny? You saying you want to commit a crime, Homer?

Whoo-hoo! Look at that pavement fly! And those potholes are becoming a real nuisance. Ho!

Mom, Dad! Mr. Burns is a vampire, and he has Bart! Why, Bart is right here. Hello, Mother. Hello, Father. I missed you during my uneventful absence.

I often hear that. just leave me alone. Either Michael jackson is working in a recording studio in L.A., or he's here with you willing to work on this song. It's your choice. So long. Wait, wait, Michael! Go sit at the piano and I'll boil some coffee.

Who the hell are you ? Lionel Hutz, attorney-at-law ! I'm the executor of Beatrice Simmons' estate. Mr. Simpson, Bea was a wealthy woman and, surprise, surprise, she left everything to you. Really ? There is one catch.

Even the pet cemetery voted for Bob. Look! Mr. and Mrs. Bananas. Humphrey Boa-gart. Oh, my poor dead kitty! Please, not you too! All right, Bob. Now it's personal!

Get ready, everybody. He's about to do something stupid. Well, I'm sorry to disappoint you gentlemen, but you seem to have me confused with a character in a fictional show. Now, if you'll excuse me, my fondue is just about-- D'oh!

You crushed my boyfriend! You better be good at making out!

Okay. We'll call it even.

I'll have you know the contents of that Dumpster are private. You stick your nose in, you'll be violating... attorney-Dumpster confidentiality.

You just want mindless, generic rock? Precisely! Uh- J; J See that drunk girl speedin' down the streetJ J She's worried about the state of public schools J

Wait. If I remember my Heloise, the trick to getting out gum... is peanut butter.

That came from Baboon County, USA! Help! What do I do? Play dead! No, run around in circles! No, act like a lion! Swipe at the dominant male!

I am Rudy Giuliani. You must forgive Homer.

(GRUNTING) Ah, that's better. Mom, Chloe just won the Peabody Award. Well, I just made the bathroom floor smell like lemons. Where's the award for that? Oh, Mom, don't feel bad. Everybody appreciates your...

...but I can assure you and the public that there's absolutely no danger whatsoever. Things couldn't be more shipshape. Where's my radiation suit?

This is the only time. Uh, well, uh, then no. Mr. Foreman, have you reached a verdict? Verdict? Is that what we were supposed to do? Well, in all my years on the bench--

Thank you for coming. I'll see you in hell.

Rise and shine, Springfield students. It's the Bill and Marty Show. He's Bill. He's Marty. Two grown men who can't get enough of each other. And it looks like we've got some snow formation for all those flake lovers out there. Mm-hmm. Springfield electric, gas and water plants... are closed for the day. Oh, now, don't forget the nuclear power plant, Bill. That's closed too. Please, please, please. Whoo-hoo !

Uh, is the poop deck really what I think it is? I like the cut of your jib. What's a jib? Promote that man.

Flanders, you gotta help me. is there a Southern couple parked in front of my house?

You can't take our doughnuts! Yaah! Right. Anyone else want to be a hero? Ooh.

No! Here comes the flying saucer.

Please, Homer. Why do I always have to be the bad guy? All right, all right. Young man, since you broke Grampa's teeth, he gets to break yours. Oh, this is gonna be sweet. No, no, no! Ohh. Bart, we're sending you to bed without your supper.

Come on, kids. We're gonna visit Grampa. Then we're gonna take the dog to the V-E-T. Huh? Then take Bart to get C-I-R-C-U-M-C-I-S-E-D. Huh? Uh, I'll tell you what it means when it's over.

Yes. The madness ends here. Oh! If I had a nickel for every time I've heard that.

Aw, come on! Pick up the pace!

Get moving, you stupid-- When I'm kicking you, that means hurry up. Come on.

Mom. Dad. I knew it all along ! Why, Bart ? Why ? Yeah, why ? You little-- Because I wanted some really bad kids to like me. Somehow I got the idea that being popular... was the most important thing in the world.

I think so. Bart! What? Oh, look at that.

You did it, Dad! You can't prove I did it. No! You saved our lives. I could do a lot of things if I had some money. What? Now there's a picture.

No, no, no! Herschel? Herschel, oy vay iz mir! You have brought shame on our family. If you were a musician or a jazz singer this I could forgive, but this? I never want to see you again, you... you clown!

Well, what do you know? Cats eat flies.

Okay, before I show you, who wants to guess how I got the money? Dealing drugs? Drugs? I'll have to say drugs too. Close, but you're way off.

I love everything about the world of babysitting-- the responsibility, the obligation, the pressure. And full refrigerator privileges! That's a trust, janie, a sacred trust. Geez! Lighten up, Lisa.

Do you like music? I do. I like Bobby Goldsboro, Gilbert O'Sullivan, Terry Jacks, Parliament, but not Funkadelic. How am I supposed to kiss those things? Interrupt her with something witty. Er... Um... Yes?

It's okay, indeed.

Ladies and gentlemen, the ten-year-old who's brave and bold. When he's not in class, he's risking his ass. The world's greatest daredevil, Bart Simpson ! Bart ! Bart ! Bart ! Bart ! Bart ! Bart ! Bart ! Bart ! Bart ! Bart ! Bart ! Bart ! Bart !

Well, ifthis episode has taught us anything... it's that nothing works better than the status quo.

How's your father's project coming along? I think he's almost done. Yeah, he's done.

And the last team to arrive will be fired. Uh-oh.

You're on fire!

Mmm. Oh. Mmm. Oh, dear. So, recycling is our way of giving Mother Earth a big hug. Yes, well, it does sound like fun. I can't wait to start pawing through my garbage like some starving raccoon.

Hey, Flanders, next time why don't you put a little alcohol in it ? Au contraire, Simpson. It has three shots of rum, a jigger of bourbon and just a little dab-a-roo of creme de cassis for flavor.

and the japanese will eat us alive! The japanese? Those sandal-wearing goldfish tenders?

Mom, you said I could have one souvenir, right? Well, I want a didgeridoo. That seems very noisy and expensive for a souvenir.

The fingers you have used to dial are too fat. To obtain a special dialing wand, please mash the keypad with your palm now. I'm gonna have to shut it down myself! Fat, don't fail me now! D'oh!

Ooh, yeah Hey, everybody! How are you doing? Hey, what's up there? I love this song. Hey, Chief. Shut up! I love this song. Ooh, yeah. Shut up, Lou! I wanna Jam it with you

If my wife asks, you're here for a Boz Scaggs concert. MARGE: Homer! What are all these recreational vehicles doing here? These are my new friends. They like me for me and my plumbing and gas hookups. Young lady, I like what you're driving. Is that one of them two-level Wander-Kings?

Bull's-eye ! And another thing. When I gun the motor, I want people to think the world is coming to an end ! The mouse is named itchy, and the cat is named Scratchy. They hate each other. And they're not shy about expressing it. Good, good, good, good.

His brain isn't large enough to juggle two contrasting personae!

Dad? Are you in here? How did she find us? Oh, Lisa has excellent hearing. Once when she was three, I was quietly sobbing in the closet, and she found me. Oh, Dad, you do remember something about me. Perhaps you also remember this laser Bart gave me earlier.

Fluffy and Fuzzy went to the park the ice cream social the boat show and other wholesome activities and they never ruined their fun by giving in to their throbbing biological urges.

What corpse should we unearth, sir? I don't know. I feel like a kid in a candy store. Hello!

Oh, that'll work out great! We're out of Lucky Charms. Ah, my old Squishee machine.

Bart ! You don't even care ! You don't even care ! All right, Bart ! That's it ! Go to your room now !

Look, I give people a meatlike burger and some kind of cola... and they still get change back from their 50. Well, your customers may be shocked by my footage of you... stapling together abandoned, half-eaten burgers. f Chortiing f Good as new. Ewl

Oh, look at those abs. Everyone here has a six-pack, and I'm the only one with a keg. Oh, God! Cover up!

Oh, cool. He's still mental. Yeah. My hunch is he's struggling with some sort of repressed memory. Hmm. How do we unrepress it? Well, the Yaqui Indians brew a special tea that unlocks memories. It would be a good excuse to use my Yaqui tea set. Mmm.

No, Dad, he's grooming him.

Ooh, appetizers. Homer, you're a trencherman. What should we serve? Well, you can't go wrong with cocktail weenies. They taste as good as they look... and they come in this delicious red sauce. It looks like ketchup, it tastes like ketchup... but, brother, it ain't ketchup! Selma, he makes a good case.

Shuttle's in the hangar. You want to be my slave? Outstanding! Mmm. Speed it up, ugly. Eh. He had a good run.

I really would like my house back. Really? Well, that's too bad because I'm not leaving. See, I like this place, and I've already got fatso, here, broken in. Ain't that right, fatso? Huh? (GRUNTS) Yeah. I am a little pudgy. You got me. Yeah. Now, Coach, I've tried to be Christian and respectful.

I get bored with them. But that won't happen this time.

You really think so? Yeah! Any Poindexter can throw some nuts and bolts together. You risked your own life. Even though you're the sole provider for a family of five! I am the luckiest kid in the world! And I am the luckiest... ANNOUNCER: Round two! Oh, no! Dad!

I'm a vampire, and I've come to suck your blood. Blah! Oh-- This cape is giving me a rash. Grampa's a vampire?

Marty, why did you play that song today? There must be thousands of love songs. Well, it's kind of a love song-- all the monsters enjoying each other's company-- dancing, holding their evil in check. You played the wrong record, didn't you? Why are you doing this to me?

Now, let's hit the sack.

Quack, quack, quack. Seaman Simpson, your actions have given the Navy...

Piece of cake, son. Crap! Crap! Crap! Crap! Crap! Crap! Crap! Crap! Crap! Crap!

Uh, "outsider blabbing about auto-drive system." Well, we'll have to teach our friend some discretion. Yeah. just like we did to jimmy Hoffa. Hey, shut up! Calling all big rigs. Motormouth on Highway 7. You know what to do. 10-4. 10-4.

Say hello to-- Gabbo! You've become a real boy! All right! Time for some underage gambling. So long, sucker! Eep!

Mr. Burns, your campaign seems to have the momentum of a runaway freight train. Why are you so popular ?

La la-la la-la la la la la-la la-la la-la la la-la-la BeCause I'm free nothin's worryin'

(LAUGHING) (CRYING) To cope with the crisis, many consumers are turning to alternative forms of treatment. I've had to medicate Ralphie with stuff from the evidence locker. (CLANCY LAUGHS) I'm cuckoo for contraband! Of course, this wouldn't be necessary if retail drug prices were reasonable. Dr. Julius Hibbert, do you agree?

Oh! That was close. Bart, look at the watch! Milhouse, we broke the watch! Do you realize what this means? Yeah, but you say it first. (CLICKING REPEATEDLY) Oh, man. Things are stuck like this forever. Well, I couldn't be happier.

Oh, look at all the rich people! Oh, look at that rich-- Shh! Don't shush me, you rich bastard!

You take an ordinary bedsheet, fold it around like this-- No. I mean raising kids. I just couldn't cut it today. All I wanted was a little version of me... that I could hold in my arms. Oh, jub jub.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. I danced with a gay. Marge, Lisa, promise me you won't tell anyone. Promise me! You're being ridiculous. Am I, Marge? Am I? Think of the property values. Now we can never say only straight people have been in this house. I'm very sorry you feel that way,

Bart, what are you doing ? Get down from there before the neighbors see-- Hey, Simpson. Doh ! Flanders, I don't care what this looks like. Bart's gonna mop the floor with your son's ugly butt !

So prepare yourself for the bloody mayhem and unholy carnage... of joshua Logan's Paint Your Wagon.

Mr. Simpson, look at this lineup and tell us if any of these are the aliens you saw. Yo! No, I'm sorry. This is an outrage dragging me into-- Oh, this makes me very angry.

Eureka! - Ooh, nice eyelash. Yours? - No.

It made me angry, Jerry. Angry and tired. Well, you're about to get a whole lot angrier... because we have the extramarital extraterrestrial backstage... in a soundproof booth where he can't hear us. I hear all. Ladies and gentlemen, meet Kang. Hey! Yeah!

Sir, if you'll just stop yelling at me, I'm sure I can find a replacement.

I'm still hungry. Didn't you eat enough of your friends? Those were my friends? Yes. I've been saying that for hours. That's it! I'm going home. Which way to Ithaca? It's not so easy. You must go through Hades, crossing the River Styx.

And this is for pushing me off the cliff! Whoa! Whoa! All right, people, nothing to see here. Yeah, show's over, all right? Move along.

Not even his good buddy, God! Boy, nothing is sexier than still photos in a girlie magazine. Whoa! Sensual, isn't it? And the best part is, Stupid Flanders doesn't even know it's happening in his stupid house. Hence my nickname, Stupid Flanders.

Homie, I'm losing my hair. Now, sweetie, don't worry about a thing. I'll teach you to comb it over so no one can tell-- Just like my hair.

It's raining again. You're still not in your own world, Homer. I can get you home, but you have to do exactly as I-- This is indeed a disturbing universe.

Speedway Squad! In color. Wait. That was all a dream.

Looks like I pulled a Homer.

Well, we still love you, Ciggy. Yeah. Mmm! That glue really gives it a pop. And now, because the children are our future, here are the children of Springfield Elementary...

Mom, Dad! Bart's dead! That's right! Dead serious about going to Itchy and Scratchy Land.

A chopper, we're saved! Hey, you're the guys who didn't like our capering. When you get to hell, tell 'em Itchy sent you. Oh, my. It looks like we're doomed.

See you in hell, document. ALL: Yay. All right, Dad.

Then the doctor told me that both my eyes were lazy. And that's why it was the best summer ever. Thank you, Ralph. Now take your seat. Hey, blindy, have a nice trip! Ha-ha!

Are you ready to get Duffed? Hey, it's Duffman, the guy in a costume that creates awareness of Duff! Duffman wants to party down with the man who sent in...

Hello, Southern Hemisphere? Which way does the water go in your toilet? just a minute. I'll check.

Excuse me. I must use the restroom. Uh, Mr. Hutz?

Time to check in on our little sweetie pie. Aw, she's takin' a nap. Yeah, probably dreaming about the time she shot Mr. Burns. She's just like Clark Kent.

Welcome to the Simpson residence, or "Casa de Simpson," as I call it. What did you want to see me about, Simpson? This better be important. It is, it is, but first let me introduce you to my family-- My perfect family. This is my wife, Marge.

What, the rock tumbler or the TV? The TV! The TV!

Morning, Homer. Looking good. Yeah. Walking's made a new man outta you. It sure has. You see this bulge back here? Now it actually is a fanny pack. No, wait. It's still my ass. But your point is well taken.

Go away! There ain't no monorail, and there never was!

You're a grown man. It's camp! The tragically ludicrous? The ludicrously tragic? Oh, yeah. Like when a clown dies.

Oh! Hey! Can I help you? I need to see Moe. Your name's not on the list. I never gave it. - What is it? - Homer Simpson. Not on the list. We're all filled up. File off! Some new buddies of mine stopped by tonight.

Stupid city! What the hell is this thing? Come off! Come off! All right, you.

"Marge" is already taken? Mmm, how about "Marjorie"? Uh, sorry, ma'am. Mmm, how about "Mitzi"? Uh-uh. Uh, you can have "Nitzi." - Hmm. "Nitzi." - I'm out of here.

Well, then, I guess I'll just have to... get into the crawl space again. I hate it when he gets in there. Psst! Over here.

Homer? Herb? I let him design a car that would make or break my company. Presenting the Homer. I'm ruined! Forbes called it:

It's like something out of that twilight-y show about that zone. How's it hangin', Marge? Yuck! I'm baking like a meat loaf under this wet wool. Uh, may I take your coat, Aunt Selma? Um, I would also like to take your coat.

Acid, eh? Gee. That would have been stupid. Boy, would my face have been red. Stop laughing, you imbecile. Don't you realize how close you just came to killing yourself?

Check out The Willie World News. I reviewed the new tractors. They're all shite! See, Lisa? Instead of one big shot controlling all the media, now there's a thousand freaks xeroxing their worthless opinions. I couldn't be prouder. Are you a Patty or a Selma? Take our quiz.

This couldn't have less to do with Christmas. And I think that's a stagehand.

(LAUGHING) Where are your clothes for the gentleman who is big and fat? The basement, sir. Woo-hoo! Homer, before you get anywhere near the escalator, you've gotta tie those shoes.

Are we there yet? No. - Are we there yet? - No.

But, Marge, what about dessert? For God's sakes, you can pull the lid off your own can of pudding!

I know I'm gonna win this time. Yeah? How come? Union Rule 26. "Every employee must win Worker of the Week at least once, regardless of gross incompetence, obesity or rank odor."

Open wide for some soccer!

Uh, better than that. Perfect. Yeesh! I can't believe she went home with those guys.

Well, it's not your original bear, of course, hey. But it is programmed to be just as cuddly. Ah, doggone it. It's supposed to be... doing a little dance. Heh! Eh! Ooh! Get the bear off! I got him. Tryin' to... turn it off. No. Bear want to live.

Come out. Come out or I'll blow your house in. Not by the hairs on our chinny chin chins.

Living after midnight New music? Man, all these bands are just rippin' off judas Priest. Lovin' till the morning Ooh, I hear this really sucks. Hmm, director's commentary.

I've got it. Hey, what are you doing? Give me that phone? Congratulations, Bart. You've just discovered a comet. Noooo! Noooo!

Are you okay? I don't smell dinner. "Dear Homer." Ahh. "Sorry you didn't want to join me tonight. I left you hot dogs for dinner. They're thawing in the sink."

- Give him one for me. - I will. So I figure I should just try to live right-- and worship you in my own way. Homer, it's a deal. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to appear on a tortilla in Mexico.

Lisa, you're all right! Oh, good. She's here in time to see us die. Maggie, I'm sorry I was jealous of your special gift. From now on, I'm gonna nurture and cherish... Just tell her which friggin' button to push! Maggie, push the red button. You can do it! Red!

Oh, God! My head. - Homer! - Burnsie!

- Skinner! - What? What? Uh, you're getting paranoid.

Okay, think, Homer. Don't panic. They don't pick up the mail till noon. There's still time ! Ow. Ow. Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow. - Give it up, Homer. It's locked up tight. - Locked, eh ?

Tsk-tsk-tsk. Well? I know! No, son, we gotta let Bart and Lisa get one. Come on. This one's easy. We give up. Well, guess! Book of Revelations. Fire-breathing lion's head. Tail made out of snakes. Who else is it gonna be? Jesus? Je--

Stop! Mr. Plow! Get out, you lousy... season. All right. I'm going.

Hey, don't you wanna take your shoes off before you go swimmin'? Professor? Oh. Oh. Um-- Hmm.

We're going to the fanciest restaurant in town. I'm terrible sorry. I have absolutely nothing until june. Ah, the Simpsons! Right this way, please. Homer, maybe fame and fortune aren't as bad as they say. If I hear one more thing about the Simpsons, I swear I'll scream.

Help! Lisa, help! - Bart, you're in trouble! Wake up! - Wait a minute. If you're here, then you've fallen asleep too. I'm not asleep. I'm just resting my eye-- Uh-oh. Good-bye, Bart. Good-bye, Lise.

Ooh, boy, Flipsy! You and I are going on a road trip. Whoa! Ha-ha.

Hey, Mr. Showmanship, the owner wants to see you in his office right now. I'm sorry, young man. You're just not ready. Pick up your check at the front office, and for God's sake, put some clothes on ! I guess it's back to good old Springfield. But I can't go back, not after I've seen the bright lights of Capital City. I'll wither and die like a hothouse flower.

Oh, it's very sweet, but I don't need a... (WEDDING MARCH PLAYING) Where's that coming from? A band in a closet, every girl's dream. And now, Padre, if you would do the honors.

That's it. I give up.

But it scared the hell out of us, so we slapped together a cop show instead. Police Cops. Uh, no, actually, it was called Badge Patrol. The network idiots didn't want a show about high-tech badges that shoot laser beams. So we asked ourselves, who's behind the badge? Police. Cops. Police Cops.

Um. Um. - Well. - Uh-- You should've called. I was very worried. We're on a tight budget here. Bart, watch your language.

Mom, Mom! You're mixing polyethylene with polyurethane. Marge! Well, I'm sorry!

I Will try not to sing out of key, yeah oh, baby, I get By with A little help fRom my friends Oh, they're gonna eat this up in show-and-tell. I'm not sure if I'm comfortable with the idea... of your classmates laughing at our family's private moments.

Please, Mother. It's purely in the interest of science. That'll learn him to bust my "tomater."

Why, it says here that President Cleveland has-

as she helps open the Danish super-chain "Shop." Scott, everyone is here, from the mayor's illegitimate son to our own Duff blimp. Hi. Can I drive? Well, I can't see the harm.

Aah..! Oh, fudge... That's broken. Fiddle-dee-dee. That will require a tetanus shot. I'm not going to swear but I am going to kick this doghouse down!

What was the third thing you said?

I wish you'd come to church with us, sweetheart. (CHUCKLES) Church? I'd rather play golf on the holiest day of the week. Oh! Finally, a character I can relate to. I bet good things happen to him. But, honey, with recent troubles in the Mideast and other ominous signs, the Rapture could soon be upon us.

Okay. Camera two. Uh, excuse me. This is a restricted area. Take a hike, Kojak!

Who are you? Seat filler. Aw! Hm! Everyone gets an award but me. I can't help it if I donated the most blood.

Telegram for Haywood U. Cuddlemee. Haywood U. Cuddlemee? Big guy in the back. Haywood U. Cuddlemee? Oh! Dude! That little- Ooh! I'm gonna drive a golden spike... where your Union meets your Central Pacific. Stop.

Dad, was that your commercial? I don't know. The torch has been passed... to a new generation of, uh, snowplow people. Come on. Give me the key. These look like teeth marks.

Hey, look, Chief! It's pointing right at this police station. Let's get out of here!

Doesn't it say "Die, Bart, Die"? No, that's German for-- "The Bart, The." No one who speaks German can be an evil man. Parole granted.

Well, the Simpson men are doing fine, right, Bart? You haven't even gotten in trouble at school. I can't get in trouble at school. They put me in the remedial class. I'm surrounded by arsonists and kids with mittens pinned to their jackets all year round. Hey, Dad--

Motion granted. Release the prisoner. Now don't try anything funny this time, Bob. I'm gonna be on you like red beans on-- Hey, hey, hey, don't walk so fast.

Coranon silaria ozoo mahoke! Mahoke! Now then, gentlemen, the mayoral campaign is upon us. And if we hope to defeat this joe Quimby, we need a candidate with name-recognition and media savvy, a true leader who will do exactly as he's told.

I'm still not allowed on the third floor. It's okay. Mr. Simpson, I just had a crazy thought. We do a little Thanksgiving Day parade around here, and you're about the right build for a little fella they call Kriss Kringle. Hold still. I'm so proud.

The French government wants to give me the Legion of Honor? Where do I receive this prestigious award? Izzy's deli, 1:00. Thank you, Monsieur President. Au revoir. Are you kids ready to order yet?

Which I did. Mmm. Trophy. Hey, Bart, you could nominate Mrs. Krabappel for an actual award-- the Teacher of the Year. Then she'll feel appreciated. They have an award for teaching? Hey, they have Latin Grammys.

we fluShed it down the potty and round and round it goes and round and round it... goes I wish I could laugh at the idea of a teacher being decapitated.

I'm getting this book on U.F.O.'s. Did you know they're real? But there's a huge government conspiracy to cover it up. Oh, that's just a paranoid fantasy.

Don't you worry. I was ready for this little eventuality.

and you can't stop me! Oh. I always thought Lisa would be the one to get her ears pierced. Can I? No! Time to reap the benefits of bein' cool. I don't believe this. Everyone's got an earring.

Very good. You just earned yourself a Dr. Brown's. Krusty, you know Diane, Stu, and Jeremy from the network. Hey, hey. Hey, hey. Hey, hey. Krusty, we've got some bad news. We think you're super talented... Oh, God! You're canceling me! Krusty, Krusty, TV is a fickle business. You've had a good run.

You don't have the intelligence to rig an election by yourself, do you? You were just Barlow's lackey! You were Ronnie to his Nancy! Sonny to his Cher! Ringo to his rest of the Beatles! Enough! Lies, lies, lies!

Oh, yeah. Tame it, baby.

Hoo-hoo-hoo ! What a haul this year. I love Halloween.

(AIR HORN BLOWING)

Yeah, where's your messiah now, Flanders? Ah.

Hey, kids, while Sideshow Mel mops up, let's see the names of our Krusty birthday pals for today. All right, here comes my name.

Abraham Simpson. Cornelius Talmadge. Oh, no, I'm not-- Well, let's see what you got here. The pink ones keep ya from screamin'. All right, folks. It's suppertime.

I'll take that. Hey, big spender Dig this blender Rainbow suspenders Hey, big spender

Krusty the Klown, whose delightful program brings us the antics of itchy and Scratchy; Hi, Kent. and, joining us live via satellite from Vienna, the home of Freud, the world's most famous psychiatrist, to give us an insight into the human mind,

Rod, Tod, this is God. How did you get on the radio? What do you mean? I created the universe, stupid kids. Forgive my brother. We believe you. Talk is cheap. Perhaps a test of thy faith. Walk through the wall.

Huh. Well, that car thief can't hold his breath forever. And if he can, Chief? Then God help us all.

Ralph won the part fair and square. That's the signal. Take the boot off the car, boys. Now Ralph is in the play with me.

What was the third thing you said?

Hey, Lise, wanna join us? Room for one more.

(GROANS) They can't see or hear us, right? We're not the Ghost of Christmas Past, Bart. They can see us.

Sayonara, suckers.

Here you go-- your rubber training knife. You've attained the rank of Pussy Willow. Rubber knife? This place is for wimps. Okay, kids. Now I'm gonna teach ya how to trap wild animals. - But this should only be used in a life-or-death situation. - Hmm.

I'll call my agent. He'll find some kid who wants in on the deal. Good-bye, Troy. I'll always remember you, but not from your films. Come on, jub jub.

Lunch Lady Doris! Why are you here? Budget cuts. They've even got Groundskeeper Willie teaching French. Bonjour, you cheese-eatin' surrender monkeys. Look, my stomach really hurts. All I can give you are these chewable Prozac for kids. Your choice--

No son of mine is gonna be a 19th-century cockney bootblack. We're gonna find you another school. Now, remember, Bart. This is a religious school, so be very careful about what you say and do here. No problemo.

Wow! I've never seen Dad hit somebody like that before. What are you talking about? - Isn't Dad the one in the black trunks? - No. - Uh-oh. - What? What? What am I missing? What?

Hey, there, blimpie boy flying through the sky so fancy free

All right, mates. Let 'em have it! Hey, do we get to land on an aircraft carrier? No, sir. The closest vessel is the U.S.S. Walter Mondale.

Kids! The new phone books are here, and your picture's on the cover! All right! Whoa! Cool! Let me see! Isn't it adorable? I guess some baby pictures were on that old roll of film. Oh, we'll be the laughingstock of the whole town.

Mamma mia! Now I'll have to do it! Dad, that's too much detergent. Not now! I'm busy turning on this washing machine. Simpson!

It's no use. I guess I'll have to leave all my money to the Egg Advisory Council. Eggs have gotten quite a bad rap lately, you know, Smithers.

Give Daddy the remote, Maggie. Give Daddy the... D'oh! (LAUGHS)

Ow. Ow! I hate getting stitches in my eyes. Stupid crows. Don't be mad at the crows, Homer. They weren't trying to blind you. They were just trying to drink your sweet, sweet eye juices.

That's it, I'm out of here.

Aw, it's a weird world, Homer. As hard as it is to believe, some people don't care for me neither. No, I won't accept that. No, it's true. I got their names written down right here... in what I call my, uh, enemies list. "jane Fonda, Daniel Schorr, jack Anderson"--

What are you laughing about? You started off as the bad cop. And now you're the good one. You and Willie got mixed-up about 10 minutes ago.

- just kiss. - Artie, please. Come on, kiss me. - Oh, Artie. - Please? Really, I mean it. Now stop it! I'm sorry, Marge. Take me home, Artie.

Milhouse, do you see what's on Channel 6? Uh, yeah. It's really something. A registered nurse trained in the treatment of terror...

Come on, Angry Dad. Get angry! Don't make me do a clip show! Hello there, Flan-diddly-danders. Hey, Homer. I've been singing your praises all day. Marge said we could have choir practice in your house tonight.

You mean I should fight dirty, Dad ? Unfortunately, son, we Simpsons... sometimes have to bend the rules a little in order to hold our own. Amen. So the next time this bully thinks you're gonna throw a punch, you throw a glob of mud in his eyes ! And then you sock him when he's staggerin' around blinded ! Yeah ! And there's nothing wrong...

I'll get it. Talk to me. You have got to end this thing, Seymour. We're not coming down until our jobs are reinstated... and you acknowledge and celebrate our love.

Put a little smile on his card, Smithers. Already there, sir. It's the Simpsons, sir. Well, if it isn't the Simps. Uh, i-it's the Simpsons, sir. Huh ? Oh, uh, oh, yes. Homer and Marge Simpson. Oh, and these must be Bart, Lisa and, uh, Expecting.

Bart, I aM flabbergasted. Surely you knew as you were writing your own name... in 40-foot-high letters on the field that you would be caught. Maybe it was one of the other Barts. There are no other Barts ! Uh-oh. The sheer contempt demonstrated by this incident... makes me wish I could pull the dusty board of education out of retirement. Call your father immediately.

Apu, I'm about to purchase some weird and fruity items, and I don't want any guff. First of all, I'll need the following mushrooms: - Portobello. Yes. - Porcini. - Right. - Chanterelle. - Uh-huh. And Shiitake. Okay. We have none of those. What is next? A gallon of wheatgrass juice, a five-pound wad of tofu, some jellied zinc...

You're looking at expulsion for this. I know! I know! The books! Oh, answers! Answers! Simpson, you've just saved this school $120.

Marge, why are you crying? You're not in any physical pain-- the only kind of pain a man can understand.

Oh! This is perfect! We're gonna go see Marmaduke? No. The Smithsonian traveling exhibit. It encapsulates America and makes history come alive! What? And Marmaduke doesn't? Sorry, Dad. My mind is made up.

Hey, stop squirming. Uh-oh. I'm pretty sure she was gonna be the next Hitler. Hello? Good deed done.

Now, who’s gonna be picking up the tab? Lenny. Anything for Homers. Dad, is there something you’d like to tell us about this horde? You’d think so, but no. They look like you. They were rude to Patty and Selma. And the horde has been described as very gassy. Yeah. ts a good group.

You won't be seeing any prison movies where you're going-- prison! No, please! I'll do anything. Anything? Well, that's a start. Agent johnson, F.B.I. I'm very happy to meet you. From now on, you're gonna work for us.

Bart! You didn't finish your spaghetti and Moe-balls! Silence, you fool. It can be ours. Run, boy! Run!

Okay, Meathook. I think he learned his lesson. Oh, man! Now you gotta eat that too! Oh! You got anything else with our logo on it? Caps and Frisbees, sir. You gotta eat them too! And some pogs.

Hello, everyone, except Homer. Happy Birthday, Granddaughter. Marge, I think that's your father-in-law across the street. Happy birthday!

He's the boogie woogie bugle boy of Company B Check out the well-aged beef. No scar. He must be on his first heart! I wouldn't kick him out of bed for dying. (PURRS) Hey, handsome, pull up a donut and sit down. Hey, ladies. I used to be in movies.

No! Oh, no. I just made my last payment. Oh.

Excellent. Not a trace of urine. Seymour, you run a tight ship. Well, you know what they say, sir. "Where there's no smoke, there's no fire."

Oh! Dear God, no!

I was just making Christmas cookies. But since you don't believe in Christmas anymore, I guess you don't want any. Well, they do smell good. Hmm. It's a pity. All right! Trash cookies!

Professor, without knowing precisely what the danger is, would you say it's time for our viewers to crack each other's heads open... and feast on the goo inside? Yes, I would, Kent.

I'm caught on something. I don't want you looting. But I was gonna loot you a present. Oh, all right.

Hey, there are women in our bar. Hey, Moe, beer me. I'm a little busy, Homer. You can pour it yourself. Hmm. This isn't nearly as complicated as Moe made it seem.

"I love you"-- Poppin' Fresh. Oh, Clancy! "I love you"-- Edna K. It's a little run together, but that's what it says!

(CHUCKLES) Mmm. Dad? Hub-bub-bub-bub-bub. Don't look! Dad, what did you do? Sweetie, your daddy's gonna show you just how much he loves you. You know that non-functioning nuclear reactor you built? Yes...

Hey, Otto. Hey, Ottoman. Hey, Bart dude. Any new tattoos, Otto ? Oh, funny you should ask, man. This morning I woke up with this one. Cool. I want one. Huh. Not till you're 14, my little friend.

Now, come with me. What's that? This, young lady, is a mimeo machine. A hand-operated duplicating device. No electricity needed. (SNIFFS) That smell takes me back.

- Somehow I don't feel like killing anymore. - Neither do I. Dad. Forgive me, sir. No problem, Bart. Look ! It's glorious.

Oh, I'm no good at this. Bart, the saddest thing about this is I won't get to see you grow up, because-- I know you're gonna turn out great, with or without your old man. Thanks, Dad. And Lisa--

ALL: Surprise! (SHOCKED GASPS)

Ow! My eye! I'm not supposed to get jigs in it. I cant believe our family finished a project this complicated. ts the only worthwhile thing I ever made that wasnt Lisa. Prove me wrong, Silent Bob.

Hello, Bart. Mom! Dad! Your family can't help you now. Oh, no, Dad's been drugged. No, he hasn't.

You're not my grandpa. Ah, come on. Give me a chance. Hey, can your grandfather do this?

I mean, after all, lam your... father. How’d you think of such perfect things for us to do? Did Mom help you? Mom? Dont you think I could read the report by myself? What report? "Report" is a daddy word that means "loves his daughter."

Stop it! Stop it, stop it! You and Lisa better go find homes for these puppies.

Huh? Take him into custardy, boys! Hah! Attempted murder one. Now, boys, what would you say to some Belgian waffles? Actually, I was in the mood for some frittatas.

Can I have a guitar? People! People. lf everyone's gonna pick guitar, I'm not gonna have enough to go round. But there's lots of other fun instruments... like bass. J;

Now, the secret to the windmill hole is to-- Not hit the blades? Bingo.

The man who raised you and nurtured you. "jack and jill went up the hill and-- Jill came tumbling after." The end. Good night.

Hmm. There appears to be a red dot on my trouser front. I'd better lower them. The dot also appears to be on my underpants. Well, down they go. Hey, buddy. You better get that red dot checked out. My uncle died of crotch dot.

I've been dRiving all night my hands wet on the wheel theRe's A voice in My head that drives my heel it'S my baby calling says, "i need you here" Oh! Oh! Now, wait!

Your eyes need diapers. Your eyes need... That's good, Ralphie.

J; Now, a guitar has many, many nicknames: an ax, a gitbox- I guess that's it. Anyway, we're gonna start with the fundamentals: playing a burning guitar with your teeth.

Ooh, the gun club's gonna be here any minute. They're here! They're here! Hiya, Homer. I brung ya a big bag of irregular Oreos. I don't see what's wrong with this one. Oh.

We don't wanna get separa-- Doh ! Challenge the raging waters of death. Dare to discover what water is really made of: H-2-Whoa ! Whoa ! Whoa ! Whoa, all right ! No line !

Oh, no. I disagree. I think it is a man. The eyes have the glimmer of human intelligence. Really. Glimmer in the eyes. What about the sloping ape-like forehead ? Oh, the guys at work are gonna have a field day with this. Cheer up, Homer. At least they let you go.

Wish I hadn't bought a hundred of these.

Oh, all right. Let me talk to them. Put me on with the lead boy. Boys, there's a call here for ya. Hmm. Oh, well.

i am proud to honor the players of the Negro Leagues of Rollerball. And as we strive for the desegregation of all death sports, we cannot help but be inspired by-- Heads!

Did you just dunk your hair in my mixing bowl? You're weak. Weak.

It's all lies. But they're entertaining lies. And in the end, isn't that the real truth? The answer is no. Our story begins on a Friday morning...

Yeah! Go, lce-O-Topes! This sucks. How come Lisa gets something and I don’t? Because she took the trouble to wander away and talk to a stranger. Your sister getting something nice doesnt hurt you in any way.

Yuck ! Quit it, Dad.

Hmm? Mr. Burns, I think he's dead. Oh, dear. Send a ham to his widow. Mmm. Ham.

This is fantastic. I've never been so close to rubbing my eyes in disbelief. Oh, what the heck! Huh? Huh?

electrified, six-car monorail.

The key to motivation is trust. Let me show you what I mean. I want you to close your eyes and fall backwards, and I'll catch you. That's gonna show you what trust is all about. Ready? - All right. - Three, two-- One second. Hello? D'oh! Oh, my God! A guy's on the floor! That was a phone call. Don't chalk that up to mistrust.

This isn't over, Becky! I know where you live! My house!

The ring came off my pudding can! Take my pen knife, my good man. I swear it's Springfield's only choice.

Then select the target. Hmm, not Otto. He'd drive us off a cliff. Off a cliff? That would solve everything. (CHUCKLING)

Okay, this is gettin' weird. Oh, my precious babies. We'll never let you go. Oh, let's get this awful thing off. No, no!

D'oh! I decided to mix the little bits that were left in every liquor bottle. In my haste I had grabbed a bottle of the kids' cough syrup. It passed the First test--

but The itchy and Scratchy Movie is the defining event of our generation. How would you've liked it if someone told you that you couldn't watch the moon landing? Hmm. That's one small step for man. One giant leap for mankind.

How ya doin', Apu ?

We chained Hugo up in the attic like an animal, and fed him a bucket of fish heads once a week. It saved our marriage. You expect me to believe all this? If any of it was true, wouldn't I have a big, hideous scar--

Welcome to the Electric Car of the Future,

Yes'm. In nomine Patris et fillii et Spiritus Sancti. Bart, what the hell are you saying? That's Latin, Dad. The language of Plutarch. Mickey Mouse's dog? No. Plutarch! He chronicled the lives of the Roman emperors. Oh! I didn't need that new fact! Now I forgot who won Bud Bowl VIII.

just a little reminder-- if I find out you cut class, your ass is mine. Yes, you heard me.

Hello. I'm Sergeant Crew, and I'm here to talk to you about... road... rage.

And thank you for sending Lisa to protect us from the bug you sent. And please make Lisa tell us a bedtime story... about robots named Rod and Todd. Amen.

Science geeks not getting beat up. Kids using their lunch money for food. I can't take it! Hey, I think I can squeeze through that vent. All right. All right, Bart. Do it, man.

Hello, Mr. Hutz. I'll have you know the contents of that Dumpster are private. You stick your nose in, you'll be violating... attorney-Dumpster confidentiality. I just wanted to say hello. Oh. Hello.

But what about the show that started it all? How do you keep The Simpsons fresh and funny after eight long years? Well, here's what's on tap for season nine. Magic powers! Wedding after wedding after wedding. And did someone say long-lost triplets?

I'm sure we'll appreciate each other all the more when we meet up at dinner. Are you kids gonna be all right? Kids?

Okay, drop the knife, Stabitha! Great grilled-cheese ghost! We've uncovered a hard-core cracker house. There's enough Chinese sky candy here... to put you boys away for a long time.

Marge, I don't really wanna go through with this. But being an astronaut is how I got you to respect me. Homer, when I met you, you weren't an astronaut. You didn't even know how to use a touch-tone. But I still respected you, and I always will, no matter what.

Commence bio-duplication.

What are you waiting for, ioser?

When my family arrived in this country four months ago, we spoke no English and had no money in our pockets. Today, we own a nationwide chain of wheel-balancing centers. Where else but in America-- or possibly Canada-- could our family find such opportunity? That's why whenever I see the stars and stripes,

No. He looks like something might be disturbing him. Probably misses his old glasses.

Aint she a doll? I aint cried like this since I paid to see Godfather /// Here's your baby back.

You little sneaks, you're coming with me. Next time you little hoodlums try this, I'm calling your parents ! Oh, yeah ? Well, we don't wanna see your crummy movie anyway. Yeah. We'll take our business elsewhere. You know, Bart. I've been kicked out of all four Space Mutant movies.

Yo, empty the register, dude. Okay, okay, you are the boss. Silent alarm activated! Oh, that's it!

A compliment! Scanning for sarcasm. It's clean. Go! Thanks.

Wow ! Flash Baylor came on to my wife ! You've still got the magic, Marge. Hey, Dad, look ! You're on jumbo-Vision ! Whoa ! Hey, everybody ! How you doin' ? Look at me ! I'm Homer Simpson !

I'm seeing double here. Four Krustys. Krusty! Oh, thanks! Thanks a lot!

Let's take a walk. Walk? That wasn't part of the deal. We're here. Get in.

All right. I could use some names. I.P. Freely. L--

Also, boxing, both kick and the kind with the gloves. Good! And hockey, football, push-ups... and anything in general where you have to take off your shirt, which is embarrassing. I don't remember discussing that. Inspired by the most logical race in the galaxy, the Vulcans,

I'm sorry, Mr. Burns, but I must object. This Simpson is not qualified. I see. Well, you know, fellas, I look at the admissions board a lot like a baseball team. You all like baseball, don't you? Yes, well, to have a successful baseball club you need teamwork.

But a more alarmist name would be: The Kill-bot Factory-- But first,

But people can't help looking at them. They're wrecking the town. You know, maybe a jingle would help. Don't watch the mon-- Don't watch the... monsters-s-s-s Well, it'll sound a lot better coming out of Paul Anka.

I even got 'em to install a solar-powered electric chair.

Hmm. Cable's out. Think I'll have a beer.

If you make this promise, you have to keep it. Why ? 'Cause if you don't, I'll never believe anything you say... ever again. Aw, come on.

That's something for you to do. Find that out.

Quiet! Here come the ninjas.

Come on, people! Enough is enough! Oh, it's never enough. Not for them. Once they get a taste of you, they want more and more and more! That reminds me, do you mind if my nephew kicks you in the belly? Okay.

Commander Kang, receiving transmission from Infant Pod 13. Holy flirking shnit. What's the message? "Larval stage completed. "Standing by for orders. Experiencing terrible rash. Over." Ensign Kodos, set coordinates...

Now, Lisa, when you see there's no silver tongue in there, will you stop trying to ruin jebediah's reputation? Yes. What do we win if the tongue is there? - Credibility. - Aw. What a gyp.

From Maine to San Diego talking softball mattingly and canseco ken griffey's grotesquely swollen jaw Steve sax And his run-in with the law We're talking Homer

Uh, m-me, sir ? Oh, no, not a chance. Only idiots drink beer. Actually, I was wondering if you'd join me, my treat. Oh, well, if someone of your stature can enjoy a beer, maybe I'm all turned around on the subject. - Wait, we're not having a drug test tomorrow, are we ? - No. Uh, vendor, two, please.

Mmm. So, you said on the phone you had something to tell me? Mmm? Oh, yes. Your husband's in Micro-Asia. Micro-Asia? That's 12,000 miles away. Uh-huh. He needed to get away for a while. I suggested missionary work, and he jumped at the idea.

And for the minimal outlay of one dollar, you can take home a bottle of liquid Lothario, distilled Don juan, catalytically carbonated Casanova. Lock ol' Rover in the shed, 'cause man has a new best friend... in Simpson and Son's Revitalizing Tonic. I'm not convinced! I've had bad luck with aphrodisiacs.

Hold on. I'll check. Uh, is I.P. Freely here ? hey, everybody ! I.P. Freely !

I'll just keep thrashing around like an injured seal. Now's your chance, Duffman. You can save my dad and look like a hero. Don't send a Duff-dog to do a Duffman's job!

fa-la-la-la-la la-la

Oh, ain't that cute? Hey! Where in God's name did you learn that kind of...

And with that, a mighty cheer went up from the heroes of Shelbyville. They'd banished the awful lemon tree forever because it was haunted. Now, let's all celebrate with a cool glass of turnip juice.

Uh, you know, when I was a kid this used to be a pet store. Yeah. Right over there against that wall there was the cutest little-- Get in the corner.

Ah! Lisa's bike. What's it like riding a girl's bike? It's disturbingly comfortable.

Dad, help! Help! All right, I'm comin'. Let me know if you're gonna do that again, Homer.

Okay, you're fightin' a guy named Boxcar Bob. Brawled his way up from the boxcars, did he? Uh, no, not yet. He still lives at the train yard. But he's a hungry young fighter. In fact, he's actually fightin' for a sandwich.

Hey, you mugs, thinking ain't drinking! Hey! Ow! Okay. Bring that girl to me. I'm sorry, Mr. Burns, but my paper is not for sale. Maybe a little gift will change your mind.

Oh, there you are. Listen, I'm sorry I ran out on you yesterday, but the girls couldn't wait to show me that tree. Oh, don't give it a second thought. I didn't. Anyway, I got you a little present.

It's not your fault, Homer. I guess there's just no room... in today's crazy, gentle America for violent dinosaurs like us.

Hey, mouse. Say "Cheese."

Beck-- The Dixie Chicks-- Merry Christmas, y'all. and Patrick Ewing as the genie. So have a merry Christmas, happy Hanukkah, "kwazy" Kwanzaa, a tip-top Tet...

I know it seems far-fetched, even insulting to your intelligence. But there's a simple and highly satisfying explanation. You see-- Hey, everybody! Surf's up!

Ah! Uh, no flash photography, please. Roger Meyers's next full-length feature... was the wildly successful, Pinitchio. Now you be-a good, Pinitchio. And don't-a you lie.

Okay, Bart, I will count to three, and you will be sound asleep. - One, two, three. Out like a light. - Scalpel. Oopsie! Maybe if I fiddle with these knobs.

Oh, dear Lord! It's some sort of hideous monster. Aw, isn't that cute? He's trying to claw my eyes out.

How about that? I looked something up. These books don't just make the office look good. They're filled with useful legal tidbits. Stupid Moe. Non-inventing, recipe-stealing, pug-nosed...

Is-- Is there anything I can do? No. Unless you have a cure for cancer. Do you have a cure for cancer? 'Cause that would be great! I'm sorry, Professor.

I am a virgin. Ha-ha! Hey! Does this mean that Mrs. Krabappel is a virgin too? Ha! Well, Seymour, it's clear you've been falsely accused,

to the Christian Military Reform School. What he said.

So, a round of applause for... this inanimate carbon rod. Inanimate, huh? I'll show him inanimate!

Wear your love like heaven Hello?

Go! Go! Go! Go! Ha! Ha! Like the elegant Roman in Judah Ben-Hur, these modern charioteers battle ferociously.

Hey, Apu, this bag of ice has a head in it. Ooh, a head bag! Those are chock-full of... heady goodness.

Hmm. Da-da. Da-da. Did you hear that, Homer? Marge, please-- I'm busy. No wonder she hates me. Oh, I never even noticed she was alive. If you want to make up with Lisa spend some time with her.

ate Guatemalan insanity peppers. Then I-- Oh. Where am I? Shelbyville? Man, this is crazy. I hope I didn't brain my damage. I better check my pupils.

- No. - Wankers. Now, Homer, I hear Ray Patterson is a fine public servant.

I'd love to stay, but I have an early meeting tomorrow. You're a super girl though. I'll call you sometime. Nine months later, I gave birth to Maggie.

Hmm. Where's my Emmy? Thank you. Yeah, well, I won the belching contest at work. Very nice, Homer.

(ALL SCREAMING) (GIANT FISH GULPS)

How did those trucks get here so fast? In order to avoid certain legal complications, the trucks are always rolling. Now for the groundbreaking ceremony.

Hey, Milhouse, knock him down if he's in your way! Jimbo! Jimbo! Go for the face! Look! Ralph Wiggum lost his shin guard! Hack the bone! Hack the bone! Wow! Eye of the tiger! Mouth of a teamster!

All right! The mummy's ready for his mystical journey! Aaah! What's happening?

Yeah! Lawsuit? Oh, come on! My "seven words you can't say on TV" bit was entirely different... from your "seven words you can't say on TV" bit! So I'm a thief, am I? Well, excu-u-uSe me! Give him 10 grand. Steve Martin on four. Ten grand.

The jig is up, Quimby. Oh, God! When you see what's in this report, things are going to change in this town.

But you can still make one. There's some snow left under the car.

Ow. Look, if you want me to turn, just point. That's-- Ow! It's one way! Ow! Now what was that for? Ow! Ow! Ow!

(SIGHS) Homer, fall backward! (SIGHS) Whew.

I'm Carl. He sounds good. Hire him. I'll call you back, Marge.

Okay. Here's Comic Book Guy's instructions. "A carton of malted milk balls, one box confectioner's sugar, a can of chocolate frosting"-- That's just his shopping list. No. It's his instructions. Well, we're gonna make some changes around here. This store's gonna be run by kids and for kids.

The dreaded Osaka flu has hit Springfield with over 300 cases now reported. Now over to Arnie Pie with "Arnie in the Sky."

Hey! Mr. Wimbley, it happened again. Now to absorb some local color through the magic of A.M. radio. ...Book of Revelations tells us... to watch for the seven signs of evil-- Sign of evil number four--

Since when? Since your mother yelled at me. Now how about that hug?

Woozle wozzle? What the-- That's what passes for entertainment these days? Woozle wozzle?

Oh, not in Utica. No. It's an Albany expression. I see.

Well, you can forget it. Because I'm gonna kill you!

Pie is for noshing, not for throwing. But, Papa... But nothing! You'll do as I say or you'll get such a zetz that you won't even know what hit you. Dad wanted me to follow in his footsteps but the pull of clowning was too strong.

Closer. Closer. Closer, damn it! - Ow! - Too close.

Now, this baby is called the "Withstandinator." It can take a six-megaton blast. No more, no less. Oooh!

You're a great mom. You were always there for Bart with love and support. His acting out was probably caused by negative reinforcement. Oh, I get it. Blame the strangler! (SCOFFING)

Mom, I feel kind of funny wearing white. I mean, Milhouse-- Oh, Milhouse doesn't count.

were you sent here by the devil no, good Sir I'm on the level the ring Came off my pudding can take my pen knife my good man I swear it's springfield's only choice throw up your hands and raise your voiCe monorail what's it called - Monorail - Once again monorail

$800 billion. Well, that brought back a lot of memories.

Eddie, Lou, how about a little backup here? Like what you see, ladies? All right! CLANCY: Oh, yeah! (GROANS) Okay! Can we... I think I threw my back out.

Actual odds of winning: one in 380 million.

I miss you, Daddy.

What about you, boy ? All right, I'll sign. Are you boys through playing war ? Yes, Mrs. Simpson. Good. Then here's some cupcakes. Oh, boy ! Cupcakes. Mmm !

I think these are my Homie's size. Excuse me. Can I ask you a favor? Perfect! I'll take it! Um, we'll do that.

Fire can be our servant, whether it's toasting s'mores or raining down on Charlie. But it can turn not so nice, as you'll see in this skit... by the Volunteer Fire Department Players.

Hello. This is Homer Simpson. Homer, can you name that title? "This Things I Believe." Uh, can we accept that?

Thanks, Lance ! You're welcome, little partner. On your way out, tell the nurse I'm ready for my sponge bath. Another fringe benefit. Nurse ! Springfield Gorge ? I thought we'd settled this daredevil junk ! Squealer. I'm sorry, Bart. But if you got hurt or died, despite the extra attention I'd receive, I'd miss you.

Dad, what are you doing? Oh, how to explain this to a child? Hmm. Future Daddy needs to double kill these corpses...

Hello, I am Akira. Huahh!! That didn't hurt very much because I know the ancient art of karate.

Oh, no! We're out of gas. I couldn't figure out this stupid Italian gas gauge. I've gotta get to school! Hmm. Let's hitch a ride with that hick.

Wait! How do you know this is where Lincoln buried the gold? You just started counting from an arbitrary place. I started what from a what? Your plan makes no sense. Gold bars discovered by Marge? Zero! Gold bars discovered by Homer? Well, let's just see.

She put a spell on me! Must... drop... pantaloons. Let's come to our senses, everyone.

You mean there are actually people... who will pay good money for garbage? Not good money really. Each can'll get you a nickel. Oh, don't pooh-pooh a nickel, Lisa. A nickel will buy you a steak and kidney pie, a cup of coffee, a slice of cheesecake and a newsreel-- with enough change left over to ride the trolley...

People were drinking more and having a lot more fun. But without beer, prohibition doesn't work.

(SIGHS) Here's fifty. Woo-hoo. That's your donut money, too, mister. (MOANING)

KRUSTY: (ON TV) Hey, hey, kids! Do you have what it takes to be a singing sensation? A dynamite voice? Ruthless, pushy parents?

No. Why don't you come over here and make yourself comfortable? I'm sorry. This whole concept's foreign to me.

A lot of blue hair? What a freak. Ooh! It's Marge! She's become a crazed criminal just because I didn't take her to the ballet. That's exactly how Dillinger got started. Really? I don't wanna be a wet blanket, but maybe you should give yourself up.

Permit me to demonstrate. Lisa, shut your eyes. Soon you will be at peace. Hey, quit it, Bart. Quit it. Quit it! Quit it! Quit it! Mom!! Don't use the Touch of Death on your sister.

"I've had some bad experiences with these ads. "I'd like to learn more about you, so write soon. Here's a photo that will get your pencil moving." You've got a date with the Xerox machine.

I need a vacation.

- Uh-uh. - Oh. Geez, I just wanted to escape. Gloria, you better tell your boyfriend to be a good little hostage. He's not my boyfriend. Mr. Burns is. Homer just comes along on our dates and carries us to the bedroom.

Hey! Homer, look! They give you a shower cap...

Well, anyway, I brought you a present. Look! It's a telescope I won at the optics festival. There was an optics festival, and I wasn't informed? You go now.

But next week is volume four-- Copernicus through elephantiasis. We all have to make sacrifices, dear. Maggie's baby clothes will have to last for a little longer. Marge, I've figured out an alternative to giving up my beer. Basically, we become a family of traveling acrobats.

All right, we got Sex With an Alligator, Screaming Orgasms, and Virgin Screaming Orgasms.

while scraping the edges with a very stiff rubber spatula. Now let's look in on our hush puppies. Ahh.

I'm Gina. You touch my fence again, and your puberty's gonna be very boring. (GRUNTS) (ALL LAUGHING) God, I hate this place.

Sean, you wanker... He says. Repent of your wicked ways or sod off. Then he gobbed in my face and turned back into a streetlight. And that's how I came to the Church. Well, I'm only here because I got blamed for a prank I didn't do! Mmm-hmm. Call me crazy, but I believe you. You do? Of course I do.

and I keep telling you Santa can't fit a pony into his sleigh. Can't you take a hint ? But I really want a pony,

Hey! (CHUCKLES) No more drugs. We let everyone down. Your jacket, senor. Thank God we did not stitch your name over the breast. (SIGHS) Dad, you tried your best. For the first time in my life,

Egad! A monster! It's a horrible fiend! It's some sort of land cow. Stand back, fellow settlers.

I first knew the show was a hit when I walked into school, and a kid was wearing a Bart Simpson T-shirt. Fox had an endless supply of clever slogans, man.

on one condition-- you must resign as head of the union. Whoo-hoo! Smithers, I'm beginning to think that Homer Simpson... was not the brilliant tactician I thought he was.

What's happening to me? There's still food, but I don't want to eat it. I've become everything I've ever hated. Mmm.

Let me clean up this mess I made. Hey, hey! Hey, that really burns there! Oh, stop it. You're worse than Faye Dunaway.

Come on, Maggie. Maybe if you just squeeze a little. That's it. That's it. I-- D'oh! Okay, okay. Think, Homer. The dog.

It couldn't be simpler. Kids write down what they want, put their money in the can, and I take the bus to the supermarket and bring the snacks the next day. Huh? (GROANS) Is that a yes? Kids want a snack that skateboards, won't clean his room, and hates homework.

Bart Simpson on the side of law and order?! Has the world gone topsy-turvy? That's right, man. I got my first taste of authority and I liked it. Hmm.

Verily I declare that the Earth revolves around the sun... and not t'other way around. Stop looking down my blouse, Copernicus. Forsooth. Mine eyes doth rove of their own accord. Zounds! Someone took our gazebo! No, no, that's impossible. We reserved it months ago. Someone should stand up to them.

Hey, the batteries are missing from this thing. Yeah. We borrowed 'em for the radio. BOTH: Skyrockets in flight, afternoon delight

Oh, knock it off, Homer. You're the fattest one in the car. You didn't have to tell it like it is, Marge.

(LAUGHS LIKE SELMA) Something's wrong with Bart. He's acting weird. (IMITATES BART) Feast on my shorts, stupid father man. Wait, you're not Bart. Close enough. (LAUGHING)

Kids will want to see the original Radioactive Man. I keep telling you, he's 73 years old and he's dead. Granted, but-- Besides, we want to stay as far away from... the campy '70s version as possible.

Yes? Seymour, I think you'd better tell them. It's the only way to clear our names. Well, everyone, the fact is, I haven't ever had relations.

We don't have to play football, do we, Daddy? Oh, you betcha. Team sports will keep you away from temptations like rock music and girls. Yea! You know, Milhouse, you are getting a little doughy. Ah, can't I just have the surgery?

Way to go, slim! Damn! That town's got too much spirit. Looks like we'll have to steal some other baseball team. See what Dallas wants for the Cowboys. Uh, that's a football team, sir.

Ay, caramba! Mmm-hmm. I'm number one. I beat my son. Victory is mine. So, kiss my behind. (SCATTING) In your face. (SCATTING CONTINUES) My son flips frogs like a girl, yeah.

All right, all right, who took the funny pages ? So Ziggy goes to the repair shop... and there's a sign on the doorbell reading, "Out of order." Ah, Ziggy. Will you ever win ?

What are you gonna do with all your money, Mr. Lampwick? Well, first off, here's your thousand dollars back for hiring that lawyer, and $750 for the drawing,

This isn't very erotic. I think it's an actual utility room. No, honey, it's a romantic fantasy. I imagine I'm the janitor, and you're... the janitor's wife, who has to live with me in the utility room.

Take special care of them. Uh-oh. To my sister, jackie, I leave my pet iguana, jub jub. Why didn't she just leave me the bowel obstruction that killed her?

Well, it was a grueling two weeks, but you have your son back. Ooh. Mom. Dad. I missed you. Aww! Homer, that's Hans Moleman. Can I keep him anyway? Huh? Huh?

road... rage. Duh! Quiet, fatso! The sergeant's talking! Go on, dear.

Yes, yes. You said that already. What else do you know? I once picked my nose till it bleeded. About Lisa! Lisa Simpson is a girl at my school. Someone’s already worked this guy over. Ah, the information I’ve been waiting for. So far, so good.

Were you sent here by the devil? No, good sir. I'm on the level. The ring came off my pudding can!

Hey! Why, that sounds like Gabriel's trumpet. You know what that means, kids. Yea! judgment Day! Forty-five seconds till pencils down. Lisa, what's the answer to number seven? Sorry, Ralph. That would defeat the purpose of testing...

Since the day I was born All I got is this rusty This rusty old horn I got a bratty brother He bugs me every day

Now, this is going to take all my skill. Halt! Halt! Run, Marge! Save the booty! After him! He has the de Milo! Hey!

(CHANTING) Strike! Strike! Lisa, what are you doing? This is the kind of trouble-making I expect from your brother. You do? Cool. A blank check for mayhem.

Let's rock Do the mental house rock Let's rock Do the mental house rock Whoa!

Mom, Dad, help! He's trying to kill me! Nobody likes a tattletale, honey. They're like this every rainy day.

You're one heck of a grandson, boy. Now let's break her open and have a look-see. Oh! Hey-- Huh?

Who will help me? You, sir?

Oh! - He's sure taking his sweet time. - Better refuel. You know, you look a little flushed. Maybe you should eat more vegetables and less people. Uh-huh.

My knob tastes funny. Please refrain from tasting the knob.

try to share common interests and spend, spend, spend ! What interests does she have that I could make common ? I believe she's very active on the forensics team. They meet in the new building, room 219. Far out ! Homer, do you have any plans for after graduation ? Me ? I'm gonna drink a lot of beer and stay out all night !

Ooh, a dancing Jesus.

All right, but if you win, don't make a scene and dance around with your "whoo-hoo's." Please! We can't afford a single slip-up. They're judging us.

Marge, there's just too much pressure. What with my job, the kids, traffic snarls, political strife at home and abroad-- But, I promise you, the second all those things go away, we'll have sex. I simply can't wait that long. Maybe we should get some help. How about a book? Ooh! Okay!

Horrible wailing. Yes! Yes! Any exposure to unsanitary conditions? Duh! We're pigs!

This is indeed a disturbing universe. Don't touch anything? I'll touch whatever I feel like!

I have a boyfriend. You won't be needing this.

Dad, thanks to television, I can't remember what happened eight minutes ago. No, really. I can't. It's a serious problem. What are we all laughing about?

No, he hasn't. Uh-oh.

Mm-hmm. I found... a penny! Could this be the best day of my life? Looks like we have a new champion.

Merry Christmas, Simpsons!

1:00. Still just a potato.

Bart! Cecil. And now to kill you. There may be a slight ringing in your ears.

It's a beautiful day to kick your ass! You die now!

That's "hobgoblin."

There you go. That's a kill shot. Well, we've got a special guest. She just flew in from the cuckoo's nest. And, boy, is she crazy. Crazy Marge Simpson! Look at that. Hello, Krusty.

Apu Nahasapeemapetilon, you have disgraced the Kwik-E-Mart corporation. But, sir, I was only following standard procedure. Ah, true. But it's also standard procedure... to blame any problems on a scapegoat or sacrificial lamb. Uh-huh. And if I can obtain for you these animals?

Now! Now! How could I not become a radical... when we were fighting a force of pure evil? Hey, hey, Mr. Burns! Enough already with the germs. Ptooh, their flower power-- it's no match for my glower power.

This better work, boy. I don't wanna wind up... working on your mother's emu farm. Don't worry. This is the score we've been dreaming about. The grease traps in this kitchen have never been emptied. Okay, turn on the suction.

Please. No. Please. No. - Please. - No.

Going where? Well, we're leaving. And remember, no Itchy and Scratchy. Aw! I'd better take these batteries just to be sure. Mm-hmm.

Swank. Ten times more addictive than marijuana. Ooh! To human misery! Uh? Nice to see you.

Seems the Ultimate Behemoth is a wee bit out of your price range. And "wee bit" is me bein' polite. You couldn't afford this thing if you lived to be a million. Don't you have something that isn't out of my price range ? I don't wanna go away empty-handed, Bob. Take it easy there. Don't ruin this feeling I'm gettin' from ya.

Homie, I want you to promise me you'll cut down on the drinking. Okay, Marge. For you, I'll give up rum-based cocktails, except mojitos and rum and Cokes. Well, that's no promise at all. It's important for me to see you take at least one step. Then maybe we can have some memories together that aren't just a nauseous blur.

Look out ! Nelson, it was all a mistake. This is how it happened, man. Listen up. You may get a kick out of it. My sister was making cupcakes this morning and-- I'll see you at the flagpole at 3:15. And you better be prompt. He has four other beatings scheduled this afternoon.

And look at these toy soldiers! They'll break the second I step on 'em. Stupid... toy... soldiers! Break, you stupid-- All right. Come on, pops. - Soldiers won't bother you anymore. - Oh! Hmm? Hmm!

I went for the morning paper and I got lost! No time for you, old man.

Well, I gotta hand it to you, Homer. You're really brave to go through with this operation. It's not an operation, Moe. The doctor says it's just a procedure. No, no, no. Makin' Polenta-- that's a procedure. You're talkin' about deadly, life-threatening surgery here. Really? Do you think it's dangerous? Oh, yeah. Even if you survive the operation--

Eh, it's part of my public service... for my glug-glug, Vroom-Vroom, thump-thump.

Oh. It's heavenly. Why do birds suddenly appear over there over here Why is it playing over again? Who cares? No one could ever get sick of this song. Suddenly appear

Hey, I know you. You’re my mechanic- Junior. Frank Grimes, Jr. Frank... Grimes?

Come on, kids. We're gonna visit Grampa. Then we're gonna take the dog to the V-E-T. Huh? Then take Bart to get C-I-R-C-U-M-C-I-S-E-D. Huh? Uh, I'll tell you what it means when it's over.

(GASPS) Ooh, a bread-maker maker. (WHIRRING) And check this out. A walk-in microwave. Hey, Marge, can you press "stop" when my popcorn's done? Uh-oh. (HUMMING) Hmm.

If you said, "Bleeding Gums" Murphy and Dr. Marvin Monroe, you are wrong-- they were never popular. Right about now, you're probably saying, "Troy, I've seen every Simpsons episode. You can't show me anything new." You've got some attitude, mister. Besides, you're wrong! Because sometimes episodes run long...

All right. Just to the mailbox and back. Now, Dr. Hibbert said to use a number from one to 10 to describe how anxious you are. Two. Three. Two. Dont worry. Everything is fine.

We sure put together a heck of a trip, Homer. Ever thought about being a travel agent? Wally, I'd be lying if I said I hadn't. 'Cause you can really "go places" in the travel business. Huh? Feel free to use that one. What one? Well, john, what did you think of tonight's episode?

but instead, I'm leaving town forever. No, please. I don't care what you've done. You're still a decent, honorable man. Mmm. - That's the kind of talk that makes me want to marry you. - Oh! But instead, I'm leaving town forever. - Good-bye. - Mmm.

Neddie, you're tossing. What's the matter ? I feel terrible.

He's right. This is a two-party system. Well, I believe I'll vote for a third-party candidate. Go ahead. Throw your vote away.

And just in, actual footage of the crime... taken with the Kwik-E-Mart security camera. The reason I look unhappy is that tonight I have to see... a slide show starring my wife's sisters. Or as I call 'em, the Gruesome Twosome. Oh, Homer. So, the truth comes out. Hand over all your money in a paper bag.

People of Springfield, because of the epidemic, I have canceled my vacation to the Bahamas. I shall not leave the city-- Hey, you, get that steel drum out of the, uh, mayor's office. Sorry, "mon." Smithers, this plague doesn't scare me.

By hiring me as your lawyer, you also get this smoking monkey. Better cut down there, Smokey. Mr. Hutz-- Look. He's taking another puff! Mr. Hutz, this was all a misunderstanding. I didn't mean to take anything.

You know, these hamburgers are quite similar to the ones they have at Krusty Burger. Oh, no. Patented Skinner burgers. Old family recipe.

There are two ways for a dog to relieve himself. One is like a faithful friend and partner for life. The other is like a hose without a fireman. Which way do you think that was, Mr. Simpson ?

Ooh. I can't believe they let a girl in. Don't worry. We'll drive her out of the academy. That is why God created hazing. Get in there.

Oh, I'll never get rid of this useless junk. Useless? This flash cube has two flashes left. You guys never use any of this stuff. Look at these. You bought them after the Nagano Olympics and never skied once. If you would just stop being so impulsive, maybe-- Hey, let's go skiing right now! Yeah, Dad, let's go!

The easiest way to be popular... is to leech off the popularity of others. So we propose changing our name from Springfield to Seinfeld. I may be just a boy, but I have an idea. If I may, I'd like to show you a few slides.

(SNORING) (KNOCKING ON DOOR) Occupied! (RESUMES SNORING)

Hey. Almost tripped over this thing.

Hey, here's a perfectly good basketball half. I found a Malibu Stacy with no head.

if you don't stop this slaughter, you'll wipe out the buffalo. Wipe out an entire species? Why, that's impossible.

I won't stand by while you're glamorizing sass. Now those youngsters will throw their lives away... drawing things that never were. I'm coming up with my own cartoon character. He's called Danger Cat. Mine's called Trouble Dog.

(LAUGHS) Look! He's picking his nose. (CHUCKLING) Hey, we shouldn't tell anyone we were here. This place should be our special secret. Okay. Shake. (WHIMPERS) Psych!

There's still air in that bus. So for the next five minutes, this is a rescue mission. (EXPLOSION) Make that a salvage mission. (RUMBLING) Okay, everyone take some free time, and we'll see you tomorrow at 10:00.

Yes, there is. There's a garage full of counterfeit jeans. Uh, they've, uh, mysteriously disappeared. Looking good, boys.

(ALL SCREAMING)

I got my first taste of authority and I liked it. Hmm. There are a lot of troublemakers in this school and I can't be everywhere at once. Go on. Look, let's can the euphemisms. How would you like to be a hall monitor? Wouldn't that mean squealing on other kids?

Friend, you got a deal. Homer, let us out. It's time to tear those aliens a third corn chute. Hmm, hmm, hmm. Uh, there. D'oh!

Um... Homer sends his apologies but, um... there was some important work at the plant that only he could take care of.

on this chalk shortage as it continues. And now, Bart's been looking into that alleged ham salad... from yesterday's school lunch. No, I haven't, Lisa. Because I went out with a camera... and did a different kind of story.

And a nation is born. Now let us party like 'twere 1799.

COPS: In Springfield. Bad cops, bad cops Bad cops, bad cops bad cops, bad cops bad cops, bad cops springfield copS are on the take

but it's an insult to everything I suffered for. Now, take a seat, junior, and listen to someone... who gave their youth in service of their country. Mrs. Krabappel, the pledge, please. You haven't dealt with women for a long time, have you, Sergeant? Are you asking me out?

Florida? But that's America's wang. They prefer The Sunshine State.

Ah-- Ah-- Ow. Uh-oh. Must kill Moe. Wheeeee! Must kill Moe. Wheeeee!

Ow, ow, ow, ow! Skinner, why aren't these uniforms colorfast? I don't understand it. I got them at the same place I buy Mother's dresses, and--

The Cirque de Purée. We've had tickets since Septembre. But I want to watch Brett Favre! Come on, Homer. They're only in town for eight months. Then they're gone. Oh! I missed one of Jerry's zingers. Now I'll never catch up. Mmm!

It's true. He is my son. - Hey, now you're talking! - Good God.

I get two red ones for my back spasms, a yellow one for my arrhythmia... and two of the bluest eyes I've ever seen in my life. Then these must be-- Then I have your-- They must have-- They must have--

And away they go! Okay, Lisa, I've got Furious D across the board, boxed with the three and the eight and wheeled up and down. Mom, I think you might be developing a gambling problem. Hey, I'm watching you.

Wait. These are just guys from school. Who's next? Ralph Wiggum? Whee! I'm a pop sensation.

Hey, Bart. How's your arm? It's all right. I was hoping they'd give me one of those steel claws, but what are you gonna do? I'm-- I'm sorry I was such a jerk last night.

Don't you remember, Dad? He framed Krusty, he tried to kill Aunt Selma, he rigged an election-- And he tried to murder me!

Football! whoo-hoo whoo-hoo

It's, uh, uh, steady. I'm sure all your stocks are doing well, sir. After all, you chose them. Mm-hmm. Well, let's get out the old stock ticker and have a look. Here's where I stopped checking it last time. September, 1929.

(SIRENS WAIL) Oh, no. They heard me.

Oh, no! Here comes the conservative judge! Plead insanity! Plead insanity! It's not working! All right. Hit the "change of venue" button. Now! Oh, no. You're in Texas!

Sorry, Bart, but you've gotta take some things seriously. From now on, you're Lisa's coanchor. What? Ooh, that's gotta hurt. Anchorman, huh? Well, if I'm gonna be an anchorman, I better go bleach the crud off my teeth. I'll be in makeup.

These monsters are destroying everything and everyone we hold dear! And you kids should have jackets on. Hey! What's that in his footprint? Hmm. If your advertising agency created all those giant characters, you must know how to stop them.

I just can't remember what to yell out when you win. "Bingo." That's my favorite game. I just can't remember what to yell out when you win. Oh! How about you just say, "Yay, I won!" Bingo! I've never seen such masterful Bingo playing. What's your secret, Homer? (WHISPERS) You have to cheat!

Pl y, oarambai I'm off women forever.

Hey, what's the big deal about going to some building every Sunday? I mean, isn't God everywhere? Amen, brother. And don't you think that the Almighty has better things to worry about... than where one little guy spends one measly hour of his week? Tell it, Daddy.

Chestnut brown hair, kind of shy, 32 confirmed kills-- Oh! Oh, boy. Now it's coming back to me. Saddam Hussein? They should call him "So-Damn-Insane!" Hey! You're just fanning the flames of hatred!

You're just gonna break into everyone's house and steal their favorite toy. Thus saving Christmas. Now let's see. This'll make three Christmases I saved... versus eight I ruined. Two were kind of a draw. Dad. Dad, you're driving on the sidewalk.

- That's Maggie again, Grampa. - Oh. Where were we? Death!

Yes. We're well protected against every threat, from bomb-toting Bolsheviks to golden-armed jazzbos. (THUDDING) HOMER: Oh, no! I hit the grief counselor! Promise me you'll report this.

Where did you get that statistic? Your mother! The student strikers have been joined by other unions including the Springfield Goat Milkers, the Association of News Room Cue Card Holders...

There's so much evil in the world. No, Delbert. We're not slaughtering the animals. It's not like that, Warden. We was just havin' a conversation. - Ain't that right? - Mm-hmm. Next up's a real lowlife.

Well, the important thing is they're both safe. I know you've been through a lot, ma'am, but we need you to stand in front of the burning house and say, "Channel 6 is hot, hot, hot!" Wow, Mr. Burns. How did you do that?

and I'm far too young to defend myself against such onslaughts.

Hmm. Mm-hmm. Hmm. Well, there's your problem.

The Itchy & Scratchy Show

- What? - Who? - Huh? Well, well, well. Before, I was too old and no one wanted my help. Suddenly, look who comes to old Grampa with-- Wait! Where are you going? Come back. I'll tell you. He was right under my nose the whole time.

Mmm! So, you say this product is known as "fudge"? Yes. just like it was last week.

Really hot! (UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING) Come on, Duffman! Thirty bucks an hour! Oh, yeah!

I've wasted half my life.

You're lucky to be alive. Save your palliative cliches for the next poor sap, Doctor. Is it okay to visit? Of course.

O-O-O-okay. I think I'm gonna be leaving now.

Look. He's licking the slime off that rock. That's what he's been eating. Slime! And there's enough slime for all of us. We're saved!

All right, leeches, I want you to see what a good writer looks like. His name is Abraham Simpson, and he's got something you couldn't get at your fancy schools-- life experience. Actually, you know, I wrote my thesis on life experience, and-- Quiet! Abe, tell 'em about your amazing life.

- Have you noticed any change in Bart? - New glasses? No. He looks like something might be disturbing him. Probably misses his old glasses.

In ancient Greece, there was a school of thought called stoicism. Wait a minute ! You did it ! Excuse me ? Attention, fellow children !

Homer, you're drooling on the mike again. I think we should just give him the bear that he cherishes so much. Hmm. Better sew that eye back on. No! Let's send Burns the eye in the mail.

Uh, Willie did you get the letter about your pay cut? Aye. There'll be many a cut this year. Indeed there will. Budget-wise, of course. - Nelson, how was your summer? - Sucked. Whetd you do? Space camp. At ease, Cadet Nelson.

Now, boys, the network has a problem with some of your lyrics. Would you mind changing 'em for the show? Forget you, clown. Hey, our lyrics are like our children, man. No way. Well, okay. But here, where you say, "What I got, you gotta get and put it in you," how about just, "What I'd like is I'd like to hug and kiss you"?

Now, who could that be at this hour? Yes. Yes. Up. Down. Side to side. What's your point?

Why don't I hear any screaming? Uh, he's sleeping. Then why don't I hear any sleep screams?

Until now, this was the only way to get juice from an orange. You mean there's a better way? But that's all changed-- thanks to the juice Loosener.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah We built this city

Hmm. Hey. Ah, but Paris would make a trÈs bon site for the next Olympic Games.

Two things are certain. The mayor is in deep trouble. And the local newsmen in this town are idiots. Channel 6 News rocks! A car chase every night or the weather girl wears a tube top! And if she doesn't, you win a pizza!

Homer, lighten up. You're making happy hour bitterly ironic. Ah, Moe, I gotta find a date...

I tried to scream, but my mouth was full of flab. Got to shake the dew off the lily. Aahh! Perhaps you're wondering why you have two heads.

I gave a test on state capitals but I forgot to roll up the map. Everyone got 100. I win! P-A-R-T! Par-t! (BLOWING) People, please. It's a school night. I thought you two broke up.

I agree. Destroy the school. Hmm.

But your mom dropped a bomb So I flipped my position Don't argue with Marge I know what's best The only wrap in this crib Keeps sandwiches fresh Fresh, fr-fresh for Mommy's baby boy Baby boy. Baby boy. Ba-ba-ba-baby boy (SCREAMS)

I've got to tell Homer about this baby...

Is Milhouse's dad gonna be in trouble? He's not really a bad guy. Now, now.

Behold! I am the Collector!

When you woke up this morning All that love had gone Your papa never told you about Right and wrong

Please, don't panic. They can smell fear.

Mr. Groening, will you autograph my Bender doll? Sure. I'm happy to give anyone my autograph anytime or anywhere. On the street, in a store or on my private property. But why be happy with just an autograph? What about an original sketch or snippet of my hair? And don't forget to pull my beard. They say it's good luck.

Aaaaah! Ha-ha! Ha-ha!

Your cable TV is experiencing difficulties.

Mmm. My back pain's completely cured! That was one too many. I got the recipe for these in Istanbul. More.

Her turnoffs include underpants, pedestrians and justice." Oh! What in the world? Whoo!

I was at this bar in Spittle County. You should have called. I was worried. Let's end this feudin' and a-fussin' and get down to some lovin'. I work all day For some old man I sweat and break my back

(LAUGHING) (SCREAMING) Oh, no! The giant is waking up! (ALL SCREAMING) Oh, God. We're in a belly. Everyone, take off your shoes.

Oh, yes, you are. Yaah! With the departure of Mr. Marley, there will now be an entry-level position open in Sector 7g. Now, get out. The bar is closed.

Skinner! I order you to step off, dawg. (ALL LAUGHING) I think they're making fun of me but my wife is very sick. Whoo!

Wake up! Wake up, Springfield! I've got a surprise for you. Oh, Lord! What now? Oh, that can't be good.

Uh-oh. Hey. Wait a minute. I'm on the top. I actually did it!

D'oh! Boy, when Marge first told me she was going the police academy, I thought it'd be fun and exciting, you know, like that movie, Spaceballs. But instead it's been painful and disturbing like that movie Police Academy. Hey, Homer, I'm worried about the beer supply. After this case, and the other case,

Stop it! Stop it, I say! I'll teach you how to use a phone, you boob! Ring! Ring! Ring! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! - It's for you. - D'oh!

Hi, kids. I love-- Aaah! Aaah! Meanwhile, the group was having problems of its own.

Let's get-- Huh? What gives? Gentlemen, the nerd you knew is dead. Beat me, and you will be beating one of your own. Whatever.

He's not just my boss. He's my best friend too. Bah ! Too hot ! You're right, sir. It's scalding me as we speak. Mmm ! Dear Sally, in response to your letter of December 12, 1966,

Must destroy mankind. Ooh! Lunchtime.

Beautiful! We have confirmation. Hmm. Let's see here. "X-rated Girls"-- Already book marked. "Dial 'X' for Sex." "Mr. X."

Krusty, what are your plans for the royalties? We got to pay for promotion, shipping, distribution. You know, those limos out back aren't free. Whatever's left, we throw down the well. Authentic Timmy O'Toole baby teeth. $6.00 a bag.

I bought a bell. I think I'll unplug that.

Huh? Jingle bell what? Dad, it's a blackout. A blackout? Every time Santa and I get together it's a disaster. Oh, no, the power's out? We'll miss Fox Celebrity Boxing! I heard tonight they have Ed Bradley vs. Mister Ed.

Yeah. I suppose you could grind some pills into it. Aw. Look out there, folks. That's the mighty Mississip. Big deal. Reminds me of a tall tale about two scalawags...

Come home, Lassie. Here, boy. Come on, girl. Attaboy.

Easy, Ned. Think ofthe Bible. JJ [Angelic Music f JJ

For authentic refreshment, eat Clark bars. And for totally outrageous class rings, it's jostens. Go, jostens!

I'll make something of myself. You'll see. Uh-- Hey. What do you use for anesthetic? A big mallet? Gee, I'm starting to have second th-- Look. There's Duffman. Okay, if you have six liters of blood...

Bart, open you heart. I admit I have some mighty big shoes to fill. Big shoes to fill. Big shoes to fill. Big shoes to fill. Big shoes to fill. Big shoes to Fill. Big shoes to Fill. Big shoes to fill--

Is there any frontal nudity? No, Homer. My name is Helen Lovejoy, and I'll be playing Stella. I am Apu Nahasapeemapetilon. I play Steve. My name is "Ot-to!" I'm playing "pab-lo!" Lionel Hutz, attorney-at-law. I'm filing a class-action suit against the director...

It's settled. The stranger stays with us. Yea!

Help yourself, but stay above the equator.

Now with my new H.M.O., I can provide every medical service... You'll ever need under one roof. You do have insurance, don't you? Yes. Well, that's wonderful. Let's go visit the optometrist.

Oh, I'm sure it is, doll face. But I'd like to see you prove it. You treat me like garbage. That's because that's the way you love it, baby. Gee, is it always this good ? Mmm, I don't know. I just step in and out. I'm only watching today because Brandy is coming out of her coma,

Homer Simpson. Homer Simpson. Pick up Bart. Pick up Bart!

Daddy, are you jealous of Brother Homer? Maybe just a tad, Todd. I'm jealous of girls because they get to wear dresses. One problem at a time, boy.

Menopause means you can't have any more children, but it also marks a wonderful new plateau in a woman's life. So let's all give menopause a round of "mena-plause." "Mena-plause"? I'm not saying that. So that's it. The end of the line.

Dos huevos, por favor. ¡AY! Oh, que lÁstima. I gotta steal that bit. This is boring. I wonder what would happen if you put your train on there.

Warning. Problem in sector 7-G. Good God! Who's the safety inspector there? Uh, Homer Simpson, sir. Simpson, eh? Good man? Intelligent? Actually, he was hired under "Project Bootstrap." Thank you, President Ford.

Dad! You're headed for the harbor! Relax. We're in an electric car. See? Everything's fine.

But, Marge, it was all for you, to buy you all the nice things you deserve. The flowers, the earrings, the Bob Seger boxed set, which really only needed to be one disk, but the box was nice! Homer, I don't need fancy things. And even if I did, this is the wrong way to get them.

I don't know what that is, but on Fridays, you come straight home after school! Tonight is silhouette night. Sit there. I really just came home to change into a turtleneck. Seymour, sit! In the morning. Oh, Mom, I'm borrowing your car.

So she was made of chimps. Man, magic can do anything! What happened to Mom? I'm right here!

You've erased my past. Now I'll erase your future. Hey, hey! Lights out! Oh, honestly. At Chino they get to stay up till 9:00.

You gotta slow your car down and let me in because I'm a big fat guy and I can't go anywhere. Because there's gonna be some poison gas. There's gonna be really poison gas. Everybody's gonna be dead, especially me! D'oh!

Come on. Stay yellow. Stay yellow! Man, I'm making record time, if only I had someplace to be. And we've really elevated the level of discourse at the dog track.

(STRUGGLING) Oh, T-shirt, bless the loom that fruited you. (GASPS) Homer! Win your own T-shirt! (GROANS) HOMER: Gotta win a T-shirt. Gotta win a T-shirt.

You know, we could get out of these stupid things... if you'd just tell the judge you're a bad mother. And you don't even have to say "bad." It could be "negligent" or "unfit" or "drugged-up." I just can't do that, Homer. It's a matter of principle. And I need you to support me in this.

That damn hypnotist! You! Look what you've done. My starting pitcher thinks he's a chicken. I'm going to report this to the American Hypnotical Association. But I did a good job... a good job. I guess it's not your fault. You did a good job.

You know, my mom sounded a little down the other day. I'd better give her a call. Homer. Marge. All right, folks. Show's over. No more to see, folks.

To the bluffs! Well, a friendly Springfield hello there, neighbors. You know, we think some kids of ours may be missing in your town. Missing children? Sounds like Springfield's got a discipline problem. Maybe that's why we beat 'em at football nearly half the time, huh?

Mes amis, we hate America, too! Come to France and we shall mock the country that saved us twice from the Germans! I've always wanted to go to France. Your women don't age. Like Catherine Deneuve. Eh, you wait till you see her up close, then you tell me.

Marge, you destroyed my interest in weather!

She's gonna help me launch my singing career. My car! Oh, my demo tape! "Can I Borrow a Feeling?"

(VOCALIZING EFFEMINATELY) Honey, you could be popular. You've just gotta be yourself in a whole new way!

Mr. Costington, something quite wonderful has happened. Uh, no. Uh, no. Uh, yes!

Jane Seymour as the woman he loved... and tv's doogie howser, Neil Patrick Harris, as Bart Simpson. Bart, I'm scared. Let's get outta here. Shut up. Where do you want it, Skinner? Not smart. Cool! Hey, When do we get the check for this?

- Do you think anyone saw us? - No. It went just as we planned. Except they confiscated my thermos of cola at the door. Ohh-- Skinner! Krabappel! What are you two doing here? Superintendent Chalmers!

Uh, Greta, it's me. I think you left your pencil over at my house, and-- He's there now, isn't he? I knew it. You're there. Just hear me out. Bart, forget it. I'm leaving in 10 minutes. My dad's shooting a movie in Toronto. You're going to Spain? Good-bye, Bart.

Bart, what's wrong with you? Oh, my God. Someone's trying to kill me! Eh! Oh, wait. It's for Bart.

Baboon ! Whoa ! Somebody was bound to say it one day. I just can't believe it was her. Did you hear that, Marge ? She called me a baboon ! The stupidest, ugliest, smelliest ape of them all ! Homer, you're not allowed to have hurt feelings right now.

Wait. Rhinos don't come from eggs. What did you just see, Lisa? I know, but-- - What did you just see? - Hmph. Oh, now, come on.

Sir, this school has a strict no-animal policy. I assume these are hypothetical dogs and poni? Y'arr, everyone likes a gumball machine. So why not a gumbo machine? Y'arr... (SCREAMS) Does your school nurse treat burns?

At any rate, I believe you, and I think you should...

We finally have something to put in the wall safe. Hostess Twinkies? I heard if you age them for 10 years, they turn to liquor. Kids, go ride bikes for a while, huh?

Payback for all the crummy things Bart has done to your school. Well, a home-cooked meal would be a nice change of pace. I'd be delighted. Excellent.

Oh, good. My laundry is done. You see, Lisa? They don't need my testimony.

Bite me. Cram it. You're dead. Get bent, ma'am. Why do you have to be such a pain all the time? Don't you realize you're getting a bad reputation? Don't you realize your butt sticks out? It does not! Hey! Ha-ha!

Chloe! Oh! That was such an exciting night. Morley Safer has the biggest head I've ever seen. I really had fun. (SIGHS) It's gonna be a letdown going to school tomorrow. We have to make a pilgrim out of felt.

Wow! We must be really flyin' high. Those people down there look all tiny and blurry, just like the inside of a cataract. Attention, passengers. Due to our policy of overselling flights, this flight has been oversold. In accordance with F.A.A. rules,

You need to take it easy. But I'm hardly learning at all. Why don't you play with one of Bart's video games instead? Hugh Downs says they're the latest craze. Foolish dingo.

Do? Nothing other than drive me to distraction with his incompetent boobery.

Wow! Brown. Whoa! Springfield Elementary, last stop.

- Whoa-a-a-aaah ! - A-a-a-aaah ! Wh-o-o-o-a !

Ohh ! Okay. Mmm. What were you like as a boy, Mr. Burns ? Did you have a dog that you loved ? Well-- D-aaah ! There's something on my leg ! Get it off ! Get it off ! Mr. Burns ! She's just a baby !

Ooh, sorry. Uh, we don't normally drive these in the Air Force. Gotcha! Ya TV-hatin' mutant.

on the eighth moon of jupiter from my lunch... for the weight of a feather on the second moon of Neptune from your lunch. Well, okay. There you go ! I'll trade you 1,000 picoliters of my milk for 4 gills of yours. Well, all right. Anything you say.

Well, then you'll want to stock up on our new superhero. Would you say he's the ultimate superhero? Oh, very ultimate indeed. Point your peepers at Biclops! A superhero with glasses! Oh, yeah. Thick glasses. Kinda like yours.

I'm on a hunger strike starting right... now! Mmm! Mmm.

Now, if anyone would like to stay, I'm going to hold a comprehensive review session after every class. Do we have to? No. Then kiss my curvy butt good-bye.

That's enough! That's enough!

So long, suckers.

That's iT. "Frimble" about with your widgets and "doobobs."

Let's see, Texas or Massachusetts? Texas. I like the way you think.

Uh, listen, Homer, we'd love to help you, but we're not really set up for lepers. So you're shunning us. No, no, no, no, no, no! I'm just thinking we could send you to a better place. You know, a place where they could really take care of you.

That's okay. I'll just push the button for the stimulator. I mean, elevator. Think unsexy thoughts. Think unsexy thoughts. Think unsexy thoughts.

I'm gonna turn this car around, and there'll be no Cape Canaveral for anybody! That's it! Back to Winnipeg! Bart, can we stop for ice cream? Yes. Bart, can we weigh the car at that weigh station?

Noble idiot, bring in the pie! (TRUMPETS PLAYING) I dedicate this pie to the backbone of the feudal system. The serfs! (ALL SCREAMING)

I don't care what I said. This family has had its differences and we've squabbled, but we've never had knife fights before, and I blame this house. Mom, Dad, look ! It's an ancient Indian burial ground. Man, this place has got everything.

Wow! The TV's coin-operated. And so is the Bible! I'd like to order a wake-up call, please. 3:00 a.m. Uh, for every room except this one. That's right. Good night. Always love trying out new material on the road.

A man on a donkey! Never in my six weeks on the job have I seen the likes of this.

Clancy! Skinner! Seymour! Mother.

"But before I do, I just want you to know... being smart made me appreciate how amazing you really are."

But, Marge, look at this little guy.

Now this is spoiling them. No ! No ! No ! No ! No ! No ! No !

Oh, cool! You could be in a freak show! Don't talk to the bearded lady like that, you little--

and spend all day on the phone with their equally vacuous friends... talking about how damn terrific it is to look pretty and have a rich husband! just what I was gonna say. Look at me! I'm acting young!

isn't pulling the same scam you are ? For one thing, you wouldn't be getting a French boy. You'd be getting an Albanian. You mean all white with pink eyes ?

And at the end you repeat the words "Screw Flanders"... over and over again. Oh, it's so hard to get to 500 words. Oh, look, Homer, I'm sorry-- No, no! You're right! It's a joke! Everyone laugh at the funny joke! Ha-ha!

Tie game? What the hell? This is outrageous! Oh, I've never been so proud of them. Ahhh. They're both losers. Losers!

Tell me where you are now, you bastard! All right, I admit it. I miss the phonies. That's all I miss-- that and Shirley jones's and Marty Ingels's New Year's Eve party. What about that great feeling you get from knowing you're better than regular people?

Hey, Mr. S., I didn't know you bungeed. - I want to live! - No, no! You're too heavy! It's a glandular problem!

In fact, you might even say we just ate Uter, and he's in our stomachs right now! Wait. Scratch that one. Mom! Mom! You've gotta help!

Yes, I finked on Homer, but, you know, he deserved it. Never have I seen such abuse of the "Take a penny, leave a penny" tray. The tax men were merciless. Hey! Oh!

Mr. Burns, if you don't mind, I've prepared a little musical number for jack's special night. There is A man there is A man A certain man A certain man A man whose grace and handsome face are known across the land you know his name you know his name it's Mr. Burns it's Mr. Burns

Usually, I use their grades as a tiebreaker, but they both got straight A's this term. - What's a mother to do ? - Mm-hmm. - Well, I sense greatness in my family. - Your family ? Well, it's a greatness that others can't see, but it's there.

That's not funny. Huh?

Too bad real women don't come with these, huh? You got that right. Quiet, you! That counts as your phone call. Thanks a lot, everybody.

I don't know-- entered a belching contest. Frankly, I'd be a little turned on. You don't understand. Marge, I've screwed up everything I've ever done. I mean, look at Bart. But I finally found something where people worship me for screwing up.

I've got to go puke in some hay Lisa is a fool I think the rules are cool I've fallen in the pool SEYMOUR: Mmm! Not a cloud in the sky. A perfect day to unveil Operation S.L.A.A.A.M.

Smithers! Smi-thers! Mmm. Ooh, Mr. Simpson, are you listening? Simpson! Huh? Yeah, I was listening. Very funny.

Kids are running wild, Kent. And I blame Mr. and Mrs. Neverspank. Uh-oh. We'll-- We'll have to bleep their names. You'll bleep nothing! Parents, it's time to take control. If you can't cope, you'll wear the rope.

Come on, Nessie. One more pull. Okay, okay. Want a shrimp cocktail? Nah. Yeah, they're not great.

Why, " my best friend- f Homer's Voice] Maggie. Huh? - Bad news, Sheriff- - f Homer's Voice f Lisa Simpson. - Some Indians took all the- - f Homer's Voice] McNuggets. Mmm, McNuggets. f Sia vering f i ii get those no-good indians. ..

Anyway, we'd like to thank You for the occasional moments...

Dad, you're just going through a classic oedipal anxiety.

It passed noon while I was speaking, so that was technically accurate. He's crazy.

Wait a second! You planted a phony skeleton for me to find! This was all a big hoax! Not a hoax-- a publicity stunt.

Young man, your gargantuan cone... is making a mockery of our self-serve policy. Bart, look. It's Principal Skinner, and I think he's gone crazy. He's not wearing a suit or tie or anything. Principal Skinner, um,

"Chef Lonely Heart's soup for one." One scratch and win, Apu. I haven't seen you since we doubled our prices. Still teaching? Let's see. One more day at least.

Well, it's Bart Simpson. Come on in. You're just in time for Sponge-bath the Old Folks Day. Help yourself, but stay above the equator. Now, just breathe into him every three seconds. Make sure you form a tight seal around his mouth.

The only wrap in this crib Keeps sandwiches fresh Fresh, fr-fresh for Mommy's baby boy

Hey, she came on to me.

Oops. (SNORING)

Hey, Flanders, next time why don't you put a little alcohol in it ? Au contraire, Simpson. It has three shots of rum, a jigger of bourbon and just a little dab-a-roo of creme de cassis for flavor. Really ? Well, I do have a warm sense of well-being... and I seem to be slurring my speech. You're right. Gimme another. Homer, go easy on the "alkihol."

Hey, stop that! Hey, Lise, something wrong?

Dr. Bushwell! What, these? Well, they were a graduation present. Unbelievable. This shaft must be five miles deep.

Nelson, you look adorable. I feel like punchin' myself!

¡Ayayay! ¡Que curiosidad!

I like school. Me too! We have so much in common. You have a pen glued to your cowlick. If you don't like it, it's gone! - Uh, you want this? - No. Yo, Apu, give me the usual.

Oh, like you're Miss Perfect! Mom, Lisa's making me feel bad! Stop it, Lisa! That shut her up.

I believe she's very active on the forensics team. They meet in the new building, room 219. Far out ! Homer, do you have any plans for after graduation ? Me ? I'm gonna drink a lot of beer and stay out all night ! No, I meant career-wise. You know, that nuclear power plant will be opening soon.

I shot the sheriff But I did not shoot the deputy She didn't do it She didn't do it So the next time you see a sheriff, shoot him. A smile.

To heaven! Oh. Christ be with you. D'oh!

My apologies. The paint is still wet on Ambassador Farfoon. We are not staying at Moe’s. Maggie's already drunk on the fumes. And she's a mean drunk. Come on, guys. You gotta stay. Tonight's the big cockfight. We can eat the loser.

I withdraw my question. Uh, excuse me, Mr. Simpson.

Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Mom, that is really annoying. Bart started it. Uh-uh. Lisa started it. I don't care who started it! I don't ever want to see you two fighting like that ever again.

An elephant's butt.

But I could never shoot someone. Could so. Could not. Could not. Could so. Could so. Kids, kids, kids. As far as Daddy's concerned, you're both potential murderers. The police already have a suspect. It's Mr. Smithers.

What is the matter with you?

This year I invested in pumpkins. They've been going up the whole month of October. And I got a feeling they're gonna peak right around january. And bang! That's when I'll cash in. To Homer! And to Sergeant Pepper, who's growing out of the middle of your back!

...So I took A big chance at the high School dance with A missy who was ready to play... Hey, Moe, come on. Get up here. And I know that love was here to stay she told me to walk this way walk this way walk this way walk this way walk this way walk this way.

Lisa, if the Bible has taught us nothing else-- and it hasn't-- it's that girls should stick to girls' sports, such as hot oil wrestling, foxy boxing, and such and such. I think women should be able to play any sport men play. But hockey is so violent and dangerous. Look at Milhouse's teeth.

New Springfield rocks!

The Simpsons No sports, no rock no information For mindless chatter we're your station KBBL talk radio. And now, Springfield's favorite conservative...

I'd like to apply for a job. Any job. If you don't have a captain, I could be that. Arr! What other ships have you been on? I've been on that one. The taffy shop. Good enough. Welcome aboard the ship of...

Insolvent? You only have enough cash for the next three customers? Wait a minute! j-j-just a second here! No. No. I don't have your money here. It's in Bill's house a-a-and Fred's house.

I’ve never felt more accepted.

Paintings: Lifeless images rendered in colorful goop. But at night, they take on a life of their own.

I think we've heard enough about Larry Burns for one evening. Why? It's not like anything interesting happened to anyone else today. Hey, Pop, this crowd is pretty swanky.

Here, I brought some imported generic beer. Oh, thank you, Barney. How many people are coming, Homer ? just a select circle of my friends. Hello, Mrs. Homer. I've brought an assortment of jerkies. Oh, did you swipe those from work ? Oh, certainly not. What has been implied here ?

Bart, by special request of the mayor's office, you are going to be left back. You mean I have to repeat the fourth grade? Well, yes. But not for four or five years. Bart, you're going to kindergarten. Kindergarten! Ha! Now, boys and girls, who knows what this is?

Mmm! Delicious! Now, Krusty, I hear it's your birthday, so I got your mother's recipe for matzoh brei. Hey, I don't do the jewish stuff on the air. But, Hershel, bubbeleh-- Ix-nay on the ew-jay. Roll the cartoon. It's so sad that Krusty is ashamed of his roots.

Hey, look, Sean. It's that family everybody hates. Whatever.

Boring. Boring. Boring.

Hello, beautiful! In your dreams. We'll see about that. Hello, beautiful.

Bart, I need some lucky numbers fast. How old are you? What's your birthday? No kidding. What's Lisa's birthday? What? You don't know your sister's birthday? Strap on your bulletproof vest.

Hey, Dad, pitch to mel From now on, my only ambition is to be the world’s greatest dad. Hey, you nearly hit me on the head! Quit crowding the plate! Oh, you want a piece of me?

Are you crazy? I'm not gonna be a surrogate mother. Come on, Marge. We're a team. It's "uter-us," not "uter-you." Forget it.

Lincoln didn't hide any gold in the White House. Then what is his ghost protecting? Hey! That's my helicopter. Yeah. I sent it to pick up Ralph. No one was using it. I fell out two times. Bart, you do not send a billion-dollar helicopter to pick up your drinking buddy.

Everyone's good for something. (YAWNING) Looks like you guys are on the mend. Yeah, 'cause we're through with vegetables. From now on, I'm only eating food that I know had a soul. KRUSTY: (ON TV) Hey, hey, kids!

I wanna quit and come home. I wanna quit and come home. Oh, honey, I heard you the first time.

Oh, Daddy! This tastes like Grandma! Holy Moses! It does taste like Grandma!

(SCOFFS) Your Majesty? (MIMICS WHIPPING) Dad, you rear-ended the Queen of England!

When a man loves a woman Which one are you? The man or the woman? - Questioning the kid's sexuality? Well done. Ha! - Ha! (FEEDBACK) Here you go, honey! Sing this. How did you write a song so quickly? Much of the tune is plagiarized. Now, go, go, go!

Ow ! Quit it. Ow ! Quit it. Ow ! Quit it. Ow ! Quit it. Hey, what's with this ?

Marge, this is so depressing. My only hope is this homemade Prozac. Mmm. Needs more ice cream. So, uh, you don't like the old-time bikes, huh?

At least you like the food. Oh, I like food, all right. I like pizza I like bagels I like hot dogs with mustard and beer I get the picture. I'll eat eggplant I could even eat a baby deer La-la-la-la-la-la La-la la-la Who's that baby deer on the lawn there Enough already!

Now waSte your family, I'll give you A beer. Homer?

So, do you expect me to talk? I don't expect anything from you except to die and be a very cheap funeral. You're gonna die now.

Must've been a pretty slow century.

Look. He's taking another puff! Mr. Hutz, this was all a misunderstanding. I didn't mean to take anything. Now don't you worry, Mrs. Simpson. I-- Uh-oh. We've drawn judge Snyder. Is that bad? Well, he's had it in for me ever since I kinda ran over his dog.

Now, wait just a Maude-gone minute here! I'm through livin' in the past, and you can see for yourself. Well, you've certainly got a theme going. All right, I'll take the couch, and you can have my room. Oh, uh, could you sleep on my side?

Who's in the mood for miniature golf? Ooh, I am! Huh. They're gonna feel so silly when they realize they forgot us.

Milhouse, spread the word. We're seeing this movie tonight. That's right. We're breaking curfew.

I'll show you worse!

Homer, does this mean..? Tomorrow, I'm a nuclear technician! Good God!

Oh, thank you. It's just brown and water.

Ooh ! As read by Larry King. Hi. I'm Larry King. "In the beginning, God created the heaven and the earth. And the earth was without form--"

Sometimes you gotta go where everybody knows your name. Hey, guys! - Moe, get the darts. I wanna play. - No. We're phasing out the games. People drink less when they're having fun. Oh.

then a boat enthusiast, amateur historian, yo-yo dieter,

Thanks, Marge. When my husband left, he took all our power tools, along with the car, my youth, my faith in mankind. Well, see ya. Mmm. Hey, wait!

Now, Homer, I want you to be my manager. Really? I should warn you, I'm not great with figures. That's okay. I make stupid decisions. Nobody's perfect. I did bad in school. I didn't even go. My personal hygiene has been described as-- Homer, Homer, you'll be a great manager. There's only one thing you need.

I told you not to drink all those Frescas before we got in the car!

which so far have earned their owner over $10 million. I'll bet whoever gave him those dogs is kicking themselves now. Homer! For the love of God, no! Marge, you know that batting this lightbulb is the only thing that cheers me up...

Now why didn't I think of that?

Excuse me. I didn't mean to startle you, but I do love to talk jebediah, even when I'm drinking my chicory. I'm the curator, Hollis Hurlbut. Hi. I'm Lisa Simpson. I'm here to research a report on jebediah. Oh, you're in for a treat. You know, some historians consider Jebediah Springfield a minor patriot,

But we really could have used that $12,000. Um, Dad, 10% of $120 million isn't 12,000. It's-- Code blue. Code blue.

Stop chasing Ganesh! You're just gonna get more wrath! Oh. I'm afraid this is all my fault, Manjula. To be perfectly honest with you,

Oh, sweet jesus! Lisa, why don't you come sing for uS? You're A grand old flag you're A high-flying flag Oh, great! You got the kid singing! I hope you're happy now! I am not happy. And I haven't been happy for a long time.

Neither are my teeth, but I can still eat corn on the cob, if someone cuts it off and smushes it into a fine paste. Now that's good eatin'!

English - US - Line 21

You're banned from this historical society. You and your children and your children's children. For three months.

Forgive me, sir. No problem, Bart. Look ! It's glorious.

Here's the angel see the angel it's my angel no one else's next to the rakes Dad, it's not fair to claim this thing is an angel.

Oh, we won't. Little jamshed, the store is in your hands. How I have waited for this day.

Don't say revenge. Don't say revenge. Uh, revenge? That's it. I'm gettin' out of here. Welcome aboard, Mr. Simpson.

Now just a minute. I'm sure there's room for both. Bart, you're wreckin' it ! Let go ! I worked forever on this ! Ooh ! Hey, that got her goin' !

"ts pizza's fault I'm fat."

This is the most thoughtful thing anybody ever-- Sweet merciful crap! My car!

A stranger's just a friend you haven't met You haven't met

Monty Burns. Come with me. Homer! Homer! Homer!

And now our feature presentation.

Now, I know we love the puppies very much, but I think they're getting to be a problem. Yeah, they ate all my socks! I have to wear Lisa's to school today.

Up and at them. Thanks for the help, mysterious stranger.

NO-O-O-o ! Well, Homer, there seems to be a lot of good obedience schools here.

It's a healthy cereal from Europe. Müeslix! They also make Juice-lix. That's Milhouse. And it sounds like he has big news! Yech!

seeing that my wife just passed away. No way! When? Six months ago. You were at the funeral. You fell into the grave. Oh, yeah. I saw a gopher. What a day. Okay, last question. "Who is your favorite Backstreet Boy?" Oh, the little rat-faced one.

I pity the shul that won't let Krusty in now! Spin me, clown! (LAUGHS) I wish I had invested my money better. (LAUGHING)

Come on, Dad. Let's go bodysurfing or boogie boarding. Listen, kid, I'm not the kind of dad who, you know, does things, or says stuff, or looks at you, but the love is there. Where are you? Give Daddy a clue. Aw, that's my girl. Okay, you just sit there and I'll throw the Frisbee to you.

You're a comedy writer? My God, you're so old. I want my check! You're a writer, all right. Here you go, Simpson. I want another one! You're a funny guy. How would you like a staff job? I'll start you at $800 a week. My chest hurts.

That horse better win, or we're taking a trip to the glue factory. And he won't get to come. Yeah, that's a great tour. - But you can't see it all in one day. - Hey, be quiet.

Sugar is pouring into the water. Yah!

Here you go. Oh, what a cute convertible. You guys at the bureau thought of everything. Hey, look! The F.B.I. Light Opera Society Sings the Complete Gilbert and Sullivan. Three little maids from school are we Pert as a schoolgirl well can be

I don't like it. He's got johnny Carson, Bette Midler and Hugh Hefner. What've we got? Ray jay johnson. Oy! Yi-yi-yi- yi-yi-yi-yi!

It's like a conspiracy.

Well, except for chubsy-ubsy over there. Mmm. Sprinkles! Homer, stop looking! Don't make us poke your eyes out, Dad. Ohh! Here comes something.

I heard if you age them for 10 years, they turn to liquor. Kids, go ride bikes for a while, huh? Yeah, you heard your mother. We can't jump this ditch.

Looks like a couple of punks are gonna be taking "The Last Train to Clarksville." That's the Monkees, Chief. Go wait in the car. Fine. It was the Monkees. Please don't call our parents. I'm afraid I have to, for hijinks like these. "Hijinks." It's a funny word-- Three dotted letters in a row. Is it hyphenated?

D'oh! He's gonna ruin everything! All right. That's it, Homer. Either Burns goes, or Moe goes. Yes, I am afraid that I am going to have to make a similar threat... with my name in place of Moe's name. So, who's ready to kick some Christian keister? Oh, uh, Mr. Burns, as team captain, it's my duty to inform you that--

Well, I know you are, but what am I? A garbageman.

Now, Homer, please. The boy's just had a very serious operation. Oh, right. Now, Bart, I found the culprit-- a jagged, metal cereal "0." Wicked! I got this cool scar, and I get to miss a week of school! Dr. Hibbert, can I have my appendix out?

They'll never believe a Simpson killed a Flanders by accident. Even I have my doubts. Don't worry. I got a plan. Okay, Ned. First thing we have to do... is to make sure that no one knows that you're dead. And if anyone asks you, just say that you are not dead.

As the years went by your mother and I were blessed twice more and not a day goes by we don't thank God for all three of you. Homer! I'm not pregnant! Yeah! Whoa!

Okay. I can handle that. Hey, give me a slice! Milhouse, do you ever worry that your mom might stop loving you?

I can do that. Aaah! Help! I'm being attacked by, uh, things. Uncle Mayor was just saying that us kids are the most important natural resource we have. More important than coal? Uh, eh, uh, yes.

You mean like the time you was running moonshine out of your basement? Or that telemarketing scam you pulled? Uh, like those. But involving you. Oh. You mean like the time Barney beat up George Bush? Barney? That was me! And I'd do it again.

You sure have taken a shine to little Adil. Well, he sure makes life a lot easier around here. You have to admit that. Well, okay, I will, if you admit you love Bart. Okay. Okay. I love Bart. - Well ? - What ? Well ? Oh, Adil's a very sweet boy.

Forget it. (ROARS) I guess no one gives a damn about the American family anymore. I'll sign your petition. Mr. Burns? You care about children? Yes.

Attention, fugitives. You are leaving U.S. jurisdiction. Turn back immediately or we will be unable to prosecute you. We better do what he says! Wait! We're now over international waters. Whoo-hoo! We can gamble! Yes!

I move we impose some serious term limits. I second that motion... with a vengeance!

Ooh ! Froggie, I'm home !

I don't think he's coming back.

(CRYING) Your Honor, there is no way we can find this defendant guilty! Although I will miss the jury room cold cuts. And the Quality Inn more than lived up to its name... Case dismissed!

Ooh. I know you're mad at me right now, and... I'm kind of mad too. I mean, we could sit here and try to figure out... who forgot to pick up who till the cows come home. But let's just say we're both wrong, and that'll be that.

Oh, can we keep him, dad, please ? But he's a loser ! He's pathetic ! He's-- A Simpson. Hmm. Maybe I should call the police.

Whoob-whoob-whoob-whoob.

you must resign as head of the union. Whoo-hoo! Smithers, I'm beginning to think that Homer Simpson... was not the brilliant tactician I thought he was.

Homer gets Powerful like a gorilla, yet soft and yielding like a Nerf ball. Now, at last, I have found it. Ladies and gentlemen, presenting the car designed for the average man,

Gazah! Gazah! Gazah! You're grinding my head! During the war, Eleanor Roosevelt was the voice of Scratchy. The lady knows funny. First, he wrecks your car. Then he steals mine.

Good-bye, Great-Aunt Gladys. I wish I'd made more of an effort... to get to know you these last few years. Don't worry about it.

Finished this page? Ages ago. I'll get the dictionary. Why?

Ow! It's pulling out my hair. Wait. If I remember my Heloise, the trick to getting out gum... is peanut butter. There. Now, that gum should lift right out. Ow.

You can't stop me! I was sent by God! I want my mommy. I captured a wee girl!

So, kids, it's Valentine's Day, and you know what that means.

It'll happen to you! No way, man. We're gonna keep on rockin' forever. Forever. Forever. Forever. Forever. Forever. What's wrong, Homie? I went to the record store today and they were playing all this music I never heard of.

And your cheeks are so swollen. I think you have the mumps. I'm calling Dr. Hibbert. Marge, the dog is hungry ! Well, then, feed him ! Yes, master ! Doh !

It was only a dream. Bart! Is that you? Yes! Take out the garbage. And then he raked me across the chest.

Me! Me! Me! Me! I said it first.

Hi. Um-- Let me have one of those porno magazines, large box of condoms, a bottle of Old Harper, a couple of those panty shields... and some illegal fireworks... and one of those disposable enemas-- no, make it two.

"Zing," "zork," "kapowza"-- Call it what you want. In any language it spells mazuma in the bank.

Well, it looks like everything worked out just fine for everybody. Credit card bill seems a little chunky this month. Let's see what's going on vis-a-vis the Viza. This... Ahhh! Ahhh!

Make us proud, Son. Never forget who you are. I won't, Mother. And I won't forget you, Manjula. I'm so sorry our arranged marriage will not come to pass. Farewell, my beloved.

And they nailed him, all thanks to you. Some might say you're a hero, kid. Not me, however. I love Krusty. Ladies and gentlemen, Krusty the Clown...

step up to the best. Ned Flanders, the man with the chest. Ew! Now we'll just send this to the dating service, the chicks'll fall for you, and bam! The healing begins.

Make it... up to him... later. You know, I was considering staying after school and helping teacher clean up. Ahh! Do you ever think anything you don't say?

Hey, look at this. Softball starts this week. Softball? Who's next? Count me out. Not me. What's the matter with you guys? Last year we were two and 28. It wasn't our best season.

I heard you last night, Bart. You prayed for this. Now your prayers have been answered. I'm not a theologian. I don't know who or what God is exactly. All I know is, He's a force more powerful than Mom and Dad put together, and you owe Him big.

Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! How dare you talk about Ned Flanders like that.

One of these days I'm gonna catch you, and I'm gonna carve my name on your back with an ice pick ! What's the matter, Homer ? You're not your normal effervescent self. I got my problems, Moe. Give me another one. Homer, hey, you should not drink to forget your problems.

Coming through. Step aside, lady. Mmm, baby. How was class? We learned how to rip a man's heart out and show it to him before he dies. That will learn them. What did you swipe? An "I Love Lefty" glass. Left-handed pinking shears.

He used to work here in the plant, but we fired him for gross incompetence.

Now we're up in the big leagues Gettin' our turn at bat As long as we live, it's you and me, baby There ain't nothin' wrong with that Well, we're movin on up Movin' on up To the east side Movin' on up To a deluxe apartment in the sky

"The girls of the Internet." Ooh, I'd go online with them any day. Oh, hey, we've offended Herman. I'm just going out for some fresh air. Geez. That guys sure likes his fresh air. None of that for me.

Sir, I baked you these raisin roundies. Principal Skinner, I got carsick in your office. Oh, you're Seymour's friend. Here. He left you this note. Dear Bart,

but who here has the guts to stop me? Mm-hmm. Very well. One last question.

No ! - Will you take us to Mt. Splashmore ? - No ! Will you take us to Mt. Splashmore ?

God! Come on, Romeo. They can't lock me up for long, Agnes. Will you wait for me? Are you crazy? My bones are half dust.

Now, start manipulating my spine. Hey, Moe, we don't know nothin' about manipulatin'. You heard the lady. Grab her spine and get crackin'. Moe is their leader. Why, you! Hey!

Where are you taking me? Shut up. And take that stupid bag off your head. No, it smells like cinnamon. Behold, the Amazon!

Can I come too? Forget it, kid. You're too small to go to the Super Bowl.

Very nice, Simpson. But next time, tie the other end to the ship!

I should fire you on the spot !

For all their disposable income, for all their leisure time, they had no immunity against God's lowliest creatures, children. Looks like everything's back the way it was which is the only way it should ever be. Great. Let's dump these kids in an R-rated movie while we go someplace nice.

Saddam Hussein? They should call him "So-Damn-Insane!" Hey! You're just fanning the flames of hatred!

Safe! Wow. My first home run. That's my boy. Come on. Hug me. Cobras!

We're going downhill and I can't reach the brakes!

Oh, my sweet husband. Say hello to your firstborn child. Oh. You shall be the jewel of our lives. Oh. Now say hello to your other seven children. My-- What? We had quite a discussion about the funniest way to reveal them to you.

Uh, Dad. Towel rack. Whoo-hoo-hoo! Hee-hee! Ho-ho! Oh, my.

Honey, you look fine.

Questions? Questions? Oh! My whole scheme down the-- I mean, ask away. Oh, good. Now, under "heart attacks," you crossed out "3" and wrote "0." Oh, I thought that said "brain hemorrhages."

And a welcoming mint on your pillow. Wow, a shoehorn. just like in the movies. Shoe goes on, shoe goes off, shoe goes on, shoe goes off. Shoe goes on, shoe goes off. Hey, I call first bedsies. Bart, there's no such thing as first bedsies. You just made that up.

Sixty-one. Sixty-two. Sixty-three. Marge, we can't tell you how sorry we are. You have our deepest condol-diddly-olences.

You just better have a damn good conductor.

Okay, Krusty, let's rehearse the balloon bit. Look, kids! A horsie! And what are you making, Sideshow Luke Perry?

The truth must be told.

Why doesn't mine look like that? Why? Why? Why must life be so hard? Why must I fail in every attempt at masonry?

I'm begging you! I'm a human being! Let me have my dignity back! Mm-hmm. D'oh! Let me down, Chief. I'm beggin' ya! I'm a human being. Let me have my dignity back! Ow!

You can either steal a car or kick me in the crotch. (GRUNTS) No one ever chooses the car. Oh, Dad! Mmm. I missed you so much! Oh, my God! Maggie, you're talking! Homer, I believe that's Lisa.

But Moe, you've been taking bets all... Barney, have a free beer. Wow! Don't worry, I'm not betting. What? Give me that. Aw. I had the greatest gift of all-- a little girl who could pick football and I ruined it. We're two hours and 45 minutes through the pregame show.

So, Krusty. .. are you ready to shoot this apple " my head? Well, ifby "shoot" you mean "teach''., and by “my head" you mean "safety, ff then yes! Oh, man! Now they wont let Krusty do anything fun. Teietubbies get away with more than this. I’ve learned my lesson, Krusty.

Oh, that was a big mistake, Bart. No children have ever meddled with the Republican Party and lived to tell about it.

You're not doing this fast enough! You're fired, too! I'm... No! (SOBBING)

One, a humorous substitute for your own lips. Mm-hmm. Keep going. Two, uh--

Excellent ploy, Son. You panicked, but you didn't lose your cool. Oh. Bart, over here! Come on! Bart, come on! Just throw it, doofus!

'cause every day we pay the price With A little sacrifice

Aaah! Oh, look. She's presenting. We thought this would take years to happen.

Wait a minute. This isn't Cedars-Sinai. You've ruined me! Oh, why didn't I see this coming? Hey, there's me. And there's you. You stupid, stupid man. I curse you! You will bring bad luck to everyone you love.

So, I'll just type it up on my invisible typewriter.

the robots won't go berserk for at least 24 hours. Oh, I forgot to carry the one. I have nothing to say to you. But, Marge, I was a political prisoner. How are you a political prisoner?

It means to reuse things to conserve our natural resources. Oh, so Mother Nature needs a favor. Well, maybe she should have thought of that... when she was besetting us with droughts and floods and poison monkeys. Nature started the fight for survival, and now she wants to quit because she's losing. Well, I say hard cheese.

Come back here, you! Slow down! I'll get ya! This is the worst assignment we've ever had. Worse than the time we were attacked by the flesh-eating virus? Ow! He bit me with my own teeth! No. This is much more irritating.

Well, this is my house. - Uh-uh. - Oh. Geez, I just wanted to escape.

Would you like a free sample ? The price is right. Mmm ! Ooh ! "Macamademia" nuts. If you'd like to buy some, they're only a dollar each. Oh, so that's your little plan ! Get us addicted, then jack up the price ! Well, you win.

Mmm, there you go ! Ah, cranberry sauce a la Bart.

So long, su-- Aah!

You haven't set aside anything for the future. You know how it is with cops. I'll get shot three days before retirement. In the business we call it "retirony." What if you don't get shot? What a terrible thing to say. Now, look. You made my wife cry. Well, I see you have several mortgages,

One's thoughts turn to Alexander of Macedon's victory... at Granicus and issus. U.S.A.! U.S.A.! U.S.A.! Carl Lewis, I could kiss you!

I am not a crackpot. - Good news, Abe. - Who are you? No, no. You've been nominated for an award. You're so good, I fired the other writers. From now on, the fate of the entire company rests on that delightful coconut of yours. Oh, no! We're all doomed! I'm a complete fraud!

(CHUCKLES) Kidding! (CHUCKLES) Well, I see your sense of humor's not affected. - That's a very bad sign. - (WHIRS) (ELECTRICAL CRACKLING) (SCREAMS) Real. Not real.

Th-- Thank you. Thank you so much, Homer. You really are a-- You're a true friend. Right back at ya, buddy. Now, how about that game at the Pitch 'n' Putt?

Holy g-force, Batman! The blood’s rushing to my head! That's right, my panicky chum. In a few moments you and I will literally... blush ourselves to death. Oh, my. This is taking a long time. Wow, cool. We should try that at school!

We could, well, use a computer to change your grade. Computers can do that? Oh, yes. The only problem is the moral dilemma it raises, which requires-- Oh, I love-- Moral whuzzah? An A-plus! How did you do it?

Call Mr. Plow that's my name that name again is Mr. Plow

Oh, that is it! Abraham J. Simpson,

I didn't have a crush on her. Are you blushing, Mr. Flanders? No, I'm not-- Leave Ned alone. Thank you, Homer. He can't admit he likes her till he's sure she likes him back. And there's only one way to find out. Does Rachel like Ned?

More of a cologne man. Actually, we can't take a bath anyway. The water heater is broken. Don't worry. Daddy will fix it. Hmm. Out of my way! She's gonna blow.

Daddy's stomach is crying. Laertes, you gotta do a special big boy job for Daddy. I need you to avenge my death. I like revenging. I'm gonna kill Hamlet. Here's my mad face.

Why are you letting him do this? I don't know. Well, punish him. All right, all right. Bart, go to your room. See you in the funny pages.

Whoa. Whoopsie. Take her away, boys. I thought you said the law was powerless. Yeah, powerless to help you, not punish you.

Homer, stop that. It's just a weather station. Come on, Marge. It's fun to smash things. I smashed it good. You got real "Purdy" hair. You know, Marge, of all the places we've been tonight, - I think I like this one the best. - Mmm. Me too.

Aye, sir! This sucks! Are you questioning my authority?

Oh, my God! You're trying to make me look like your dead wife! No, no! I-I-- I know this is, uh, a tad unseemly. But if you just let me even out the back-- I'm calling a cab! Good-bye, Ned! Oh, who am I kidding? I'm not over Maude at all.

That's why they won't let Bill Maher on TV before midnight. Hey, Moe, if you're tired of being an eyesore, why not get some plastic surgery? Plastic surgery, huh? Maybe they could dynamite Mount Crapmore here and carve me a new kisser. I don't know. Plastic surgery might make you look good on the outside, but you still might feel bad on the inside.

It ain't comedy that's in my blood. It's selling out. Come on, I'll give you a ride home. Wow. This is roomy. Can you nAMe the truck with four-wheel drive

Talk to me. You have got to end this thing, Seymour. We're not coming down until our jobs are reinstated... and you acknowledge and celebrate our love. No one would like to celebrate your love more than I. But I am a public servant, and not permitted to use my own judgment in any way. Then let us take our case directly to the townspeople. Oh, yeah. That'll be real productive.

Oh, I wish it were that simple. As shameful and as emotionally crippling as it may be, I'm afraid my recommendation is for Bart Simpson to repeat... the fourth grade. What ? You can't hold me back. I'll do better. I promise.

Boys, stop! You can both marry me! Whoo-hoo! Yippee!

I do not have a wife! Then maybe you shouldn't have told her you did.

What a day! First, the drinking fountain squirts me, and now this.

I'll be right there. All right, people, we've got an escaped octopus on the roof of Springfield Elementary. Let's roll! Two cameras! Let's go! Come on! Come on! So, once again, I've been had.

Bleh! Excellent. Now to the matter at hand. Whom will we put up for young Wilcox's congressional seat? Gentlemen, I am your candidate. Maybe Bob Dole should run. Bob Dole thinks Bob Dole should. Actually, Bob Dole just likes to hear Bob Dole talk about Bob Dole. Bob Dole! We want Krusty!

I can't feel my legs. I taste blood. Adults attacking orphans? I don't think Maude Flanders would approve of that. Absolutely not! - Never! - No friggin' way! Yeah. This place is more like "Crazeland."

Wait a minute. All those things I saw-- there's a connection. The truck full of nets and buckets, the queasy guy, the lobsters-- They all point to one thing. Follow me. Arr! I've got some customers. Call me back, Ishmael.

If I still had it, I could put it in here!

How you solved crimes, I'll never know. Mr. Mayor, you claim to be faithful to your wife. But I have obtained this exclusive videotape. (NERVOUS GROAN) Come on, baby, read my sash. You're the "major"? That's "mayor," you fertile moron!

And look, here is America's favorite waste of taxpayer dollars, the Blue Angels!

working on your mother's emu farm. Don't worry. This is the score we've been dreaming about. The grease traps in this kitchen have never been emptied. Okay, turn on the suction. It's not working.

Were you going to listen to rock music in Sunday school ? Maybe. Can you believe this, Homer ? Homer ? Homer !

Marge, how did you get my jacket so clean?

And this is our comic strip department. Who here reads Mary Worth? Let's move on. This is where we store Ann Landers and Dear Abby for their 23 hours of daily sleep.

But now the ties are motionless. Those in back are virtually inaccessible. Well, it's a moot point as I have only one tie to begin with. I believe I'll pass. Have you sold that tie rack yet? - No. - I'll take it. Now, folks, nothing spells fun... like rhinestones on a dungaree jacket.

What about Maggie? I got my dad to look after her. Behind ya! Don't do that!

where my soul will be chopped into confetti... and strewn upon a parade of murderers and single mothers, where my tongue will be torn out by ravenous birds. Bart did it! That Bart right there! Milhouse! Milhouse, you did the right thing. Bart, come with me for punishment. You too, snitchy.

Now, Homer, I want you to stay off that leg for two weeks. Two weeks? What am I supposed to do? Just sit on my ass and watch TV? That ain't my style, man. Now, Homer, there are people right through that door that have it much worse than you.

Cheerio." My dad's a disgrace, just like Bart's dad!

Springfield sucks! Hey, stop talking bad about my town, man! Why don't you make me? I don't make trash. I burn it. Then I guess you're a garbageman. Well, I know you are, but what am I? A garbageman. Oh, I know you are, but what am I? A garbageman. I know you are, but what am I? A garbageman.

Had a girl in every port From here to Barcelona But now I'm back in Springfield And, girl I'm gonna phone ya

Does this mean they'll never cancel the Jim Belushi Show? I guess so. (SCREAMING) No! LISA: A world without death. (GUNSHOTS) (GROANING) Frankie the Squealer, why won't you die? Ugh! If I knew, I'd tell you, I swear.

Okay, Homer, let's get a level check on your voice. She smells sheet smells by the sheet "shtore." Wait. Wait. Let me try it again. Relax, Homer. You'll do fine. I'm june Bellamy.

That's why I framed Krusty ! And I would have gotten away with it too if it weren't for these meddling kids. Take him away, boys. Treat kids as equals ! They're people too ! They're smarter than you think. They were smart enough to catch me !

Silence! We are travelers from a certain nearby ringed planet...

Hi, guys. Great to see ya. Get lost, Poindexter. Yeah, beat it, Professor. Why don't you go build a rocket ship, brainiac ?

"Zounds" is a Renaissance English word short for "God's wounds." But "smite-ily," that's pure Flanders. Please call a doctor. Oh, these Renaissance fairs are so boring! Oh, really? Did you see the loom? I took loom in high school.

Hmm. Ow! Pointy. Eww! Slimy. Uh-oh! Moving. Aha! Aw. Twenty dollars.

Now a word from my god, our sponsor.

I don't hear an alarm. Let's take stuff. Whoa! Isn't that stealing? No, it's just looting. Sweet. Let's go nuts. Hot town Summer in the city Back of my neck gettin' dirty and gritty Mannequins! You can't buy these! Oh, look at all these tube socks!

Skinner! (ALL SCREAM)

Step aside, everyone. Sensitive love letters are my specialty. "Dear baby, Welcome to Dumpville. Population: You."

Down here, Bart.

Oh, I know. The Lord is vengeful. O Spiteful One, show me who to smite, and they shall be "smoten." Homer, God didn't set your house on fire.

Who's gonna play Radioactive Man? I will tell you in exactly seven minutes. Okay. Here we are. Alt dot nerd dot obsessive. Need know star R.M. pic.

You know, boy, some of the players you see tonight... may make it to the big leagues one day. What ? Aren't we gonna see any washed-up major leaguers ? Sure. We get a nice mix here. I can't think of a better place to spend a balmy summer's night than the old ball yard.

It's good to see you. Same here.

Uh-uh! What's the matter? I'm making as nice as I can.

How long does it take to see this thing? I'm in a hurry. It's hard to say. Once you go in, you may never come out. Wow! One, please.

I got a problem. Once you stop this car, I'm gonna hug you and kiss you, and then I'll never be able to let you go. Ah, your first kiss. But not the last.

Lisa, ordinarily I'd say you should stand up for what you believe in. But you've been doing that an awful lot lately. Yeah. You made us march in that Gay Rights Parade. And we can't watch Fox, 'cause they own those chemical weapon plants in Syria. I can't believe you're just gonna stand by...

Good evening, gentlemen. Oh, that's it. You're through, Dean. Now who's the dean?

Now we just add color. In five minutes, it'll be on the World Wide Web. I can't wait that long. To pass the time, help yourself to some more stock.

There must be some beer here somewhere. Ah. Maybe in here. Damn ! I need money !

Bart, what happened? Well, we hit a little snag when the universe sort of collapsed on itself. But Dad seemed cautiously optimistic. Cra-a-a-ap!

I'm sure he meant to say "serious drinking." That's what I assumed.

But we pressed it anyway! And we ran and we hid in the Giant Tire. Oh, yeah. And my other friend was already there. All right. All right now. You're overstimulated. Let's get some beer in you, and then it's right to bed. Whoo-hoo! Beer, beer, beer! Bed, bed, bed!

Wow! That's it. I'm off the hooch. Hey, wine! Dad, the rocket's off course!

And with a male roommate, we can walk around naked. Way ahead of ya! J; Whoo! Dont worry, sweetie. Your father wont stay mad forever. ts so weird not having Dad here. I cant fall asleep if I havent read him his bedtime story. Hello?

So, what did everyone do today? Appointed a supreme court justice. Oh! Bewitched marathon. Searched for Lincoln's gold. Dad, that's just a myth. Lincoln didn't hide any gold in the White House. Then what is his ghost protecting?

Marge, I've been thinking. What if instead of donating one of my old, worn-out kidneys, I gave Grampa that artificial kidney I invented? Oh, Homer, that was just a beer can with a whistle glued to it.

To separate yourself from the herd, just tattle on the cattle." Hmm. I say Phantom Menace sucked more! I say Attack of the Clones sucked more!

Look! A rocket ship! That's not a toy!

Simpson family, master.

Hey, I don't need no advice from no pinball machine. I'll have you know I wrote the book on love. Yeah, All Quiet on the Western Front.

Gentlemen, I have found the final member of our cabal. Count Fudgeula? I thought you wanted to get off the stuff. I'm a monster. Don't look at me. Homer, we need you to help us smuggle in sugar from south of the border.

Step one, amass a vast media empire. The station's not for sale, Burns. It's been in the same family for generations. Look, I assure you, no sack of money is big enough to change my mind. Now, if...

And I feel terrible about hurting you. Will you accept my apology? Apology? Uh, geez. I wasn't expecting that. Uh-- Run!

Now to sell it for millions. This comic strip is lame and derivative. I'll be the judge of that! Oh, well-- Stan Lee? Creator of Marvel Comics? Greetings, true believers. Oh! My heart is pounding like Thor's hammer...

He said, "When do you need me?" I said, "Thursday." He said, "I'm busy." I said, "Friday?" He said, "Friday's worse." Then he said, "How about Saturday?" I said, "Fine." True story.

I'll pay you $40 if you think of it for me. - No. - Okay. 30. Good luck, Dad. All right, brain. It's all up to you. If you don't think of what it is, we'll lose Marge forever. Eat the pudding. Eat the pudding-- Eat the pudding. Eat the pudding--

Ahh, the Simpsons

Attention! This is the Coast Guard.

Well, I say let Harvard have its football and academics. Yale will always be first in gentlemanly club life. Why, every friend I have, I made right here. Hello, Burnsie. It's your old roomy, Dink.

This sting can't miss, boys. I mailed these bogus prize certificates to every scofflaw in Springfield. When they show up for their free motorboats, we arrest them and beat them to the full extent of the law. So the hook is baited.

feel this sweater there's no better than authentic Irish setter see this hat, 'twas my Cat my evening wear vampire Bat these white slippers are albino African endangered rhino grizzly bear underwear turtles' necks I've got my share

You know, we'll be old someday. My God, you're right, Marge ! You kids won't put me in a home like I did to my dad, would you ? Well-- Marge, what do we do ? Hmm. Well, I think we'd better set an example. Absolutely. Our third Sunday of every month should be a pleasure, not a chore.

Oh, cram it, Churchie!

Do a backflip, Laddie.

Glug, glug, glug, glug... Wow. What about groundskeeper Willy? Ugh! I won't even tell you what that guy's into. Bart, you are the closest thing to a man my life and that's so depressing I think I'm to cry.

ts all my fault my wife got mugged. There you have it, boys. Case closed. Look. This really made me feel vulnerable.

Attention: Some crazy creeps on an island somewhere are secretly running the world. Hey! Sorry, old chap,

I didna cry when me own father was hung for stealin' a pig, but I'll cry now.

Sorry, bub. That crow won't caw. It won't? I hereby order you to be tethered to your son! Tethered?

That's what really happened. Oh. My marketing plan attracted a record number... of police and fire officials, but few stayed to bowl.

Bart, do you have a love story that doesn't end in heartbreak? Yes, I do. The only girl I ever loved invited me up to the tree house. She had something very important to tell me. I'm so happy. I just had to tell someone. I have a boyfriend.

The Internet wasn't created for mockery. It was supposed to help researchers at different universities share data sets. It was. (DOOR BELL RINGING)

Oh, my God! She's become a monster! Which I have to admit I sort of suspected during the sex.

Okay, "nonsmoker-- add eight years." Hmm. So according to this, I'll live to be-- 42? Oh, that's horrible! I won't even live to see my children die.

Uh-- What are-- I almost fainted, but then I didn't. What are you doing?

Marge, look! This has spring snakes inside, but the suckers will think it's beer nuts. Mmm. Beer nuts. D'oh!

I'm a comin', Krusty! Lisa, you should enter that contest. You've got a great voice! It made us all feel better. Thanks, Bart. That's really sweet. (SIGHS) I think I puked up all of my meanness. Ow!

Homer, I bought you the damn chair. Get out of here. Go on, that's enough. Get out of here.

So what do we do with our friend here? Uh, throw him in the Dumpster? No, no, no. I really want to give the lovable scamp a good home.

Now, this wheel balancing is free, right? Oh, you betcha. Absolutely. Uh, oh, oh, wait a minute. These tires won't take a balance. They won't? Nah, no. You hear that clunk? No. That tells me you need four new tires.

(SIREN BLARING) I'm getting out in two weeks. Why would I want to break out with you? (SWOONING) Well, you do look pretty in the moonlight. (GRUNTS) (DOGS BARKING) Hey, guard! Help! Help!

Oh, my God! Homer, they're right next door. Relax, Marge. If someone tries to get in here, my burglar alarm will let us know. Watch the fish, Marge.

Good night, guys. I'm scared.

"A chance for more mis"-- Look at that fat oaf. Shh! That's Teddy Roosevelt.

unless it was especially skilled. Or one of those super-babies from Brazil. Forget it, Mom. I'm not going. But they're counting on you to take tickets. And if you sit there with a brave little smile and a festive bow, why, you could be the belle of the ball.

What you doing? Looking at you with quiet awe. As long as it's quiet.

just go in and act casual like you buy 'em all the time. Hi. Um-- Let me have one of those porno magazines, large box of condoms, a bottle of Old Harper, a couple of those panty shields...

He does not! janie likes Milhouse!

I'll take any questions you might have. You, and then one more. Can we call you Uncle Blackie? No. Last question.

He's smart, he's soulful, he's Milhouse. What up, "G" Money?

All hail Krull and his glorious new regime!

Eighty-nine percent of Americans would rather have a shoehorn than a computer. I'd like to "89" you! I’ve heard about you vendors. Hey, lady! I like the way your body looks! - Stop objectifying my mom! - I will in a second. Whoo! Hey, baby! You’re an object! Ah-ha-hal

Uh, excuse me, Mr. Burns. Pop 'n' Fresh, you glutinous little dough boy! There's something I've wanted to do to you for years.

There he is. Let's give him a make-over. Run for it, boy! Get him! Get him! Get him!

We have started our descent and will soon be landing in Beijing.

Farewell Shop Kwik-E-Mart and save Good-bye, my Coney Isle-- Good-bye, my Coney Isle-- Good-bye my Coney Island babe

Marge, am I crazy or is my back getting hairier? Before I go to camp, I'll need boosters for malaria,

Albert Dershman, who can hold three billiard balls in his mouth. How much of the hundred thou do I get?

Sir, I know what I want to be when I grow up-- a cop. Until then, son I'm making you an honorary police officer. Eddie, give him your badge. Hey!

Must you be forever dialing that phone?

You make numerous threatening references to the U.N. And at the end you repeat the words "Screw Flanders"... over and over again. Oh, it's so hard to get to 500 words. Oh, look, Homer, I'm sorry-- No, no! You're right! It's a joke!

Oh, man. It's a miracle we got through that one. Remind me never to let you on stage again, kid. Some people got it, some people don't. And you, my young friend, do not have-- Hold on. I wanna finish this thought outside. It's that kid!

"but I believe that the cartoons you show to our children... "are influencing their behavior in a negative way. "Please try to tone down the psychotic violence...

Okay, from here we star wipe to a glamour shot of Flanders paying his bills. Then we star wipe to Flanders brushing his-- Dad, there are other wipes besides star wipes. Why eat hamburger when you can have steak? I'm taking my name off this thing.

You know, Bart, I think you'd profit from a more remedial environment. I'm sure you'll feel right at home in the Leg-Up Program.

Ooh! Stomach churning! Bowels clenching. Not much time. Must finish.

Cheer up, Lise. You got a good grade without even reading the book. That's win-win.

- Ohh! - My goodness. What a lovely suit, Sheriff. Is that seersucker? Nah. Not on a civil servant's salary. It's near-sucker. Well, the fabric really brings out the red in your neck. Yup. It's coming along, huh? You should see it in August after the horseflies been getting at it. Hoo-man!

All right. Time to throw in the Butterfingers.

I can't believe Aunty Gladys is really gone. Her legend will live forever. Yeah. The legend of the dog-faced woman. Legend of the dog-faced woman.

On top of spaghetti all covered with cheese I loSt my poor meatball-- If you don't mind!

in A traveling show I know it's not much but it's the beSt i can do

No! Don't make me take a vacation. Without you, I'll wither and die! That's a risk I'm willing to take. What would you do without me? I'm not a baby who needs a nursemaid to burp me.

What? How dare you disturb me during nap time? We're from the Nuclear Regulatory Commission. This is a surprise test of worker competence. There must be some mistake. We, uh-- We make cookies here. Mr. Burns's Old-Fashioned Good-Time Extra-Chewy-- Get the ax.

But you have so much inner beauty. Well, uh, be that as it may, uh, the gang is wanted in eight other states. And we have a little saying around here-- "Let Michigan handle it."

Them's fightin' words.

This is gonna cost me.

This will sound crazy, but at first... I thought I'd enraged you again. - Skinner! - What? What? Uh, you're getting paranoid.

I don't get it, Mel. How can you be so calm and cool?

Oh, well. You can't stay in there forever ! I can try. March your butt right out here, now ! No way, man. But-- Son, if you don't come out, I can't hug you and kiss you and make you feel all better.

You have entered "power drive." Now, push 7-8-7 to swing.

Mom, you can't possibly believe that. I have to, honey. Or you can stay here and we'll have our own dance. Every Simpson, dance now Bump, bump, bump, bump bump, bump I'll go.

Any office supply company can have 'em made up for you. - Can I have this one? - No. Can... Lenny have it? No.

Actually, I've been working on a plan. During the exam, I'll hide under some coats... and hope that somehow everything will work out. Or with our help, you can cram like you've never crammed before!

Yeah, thanks. It's just past the end of the bar next to the heavyset guy.

Eat, eat! Ahh. The truth never tasted so good! Way to go, slim! Damn! That town's got too much spirit.

Maybe you two should get a nanny. Yes, and what would I pay her with-- banana bread? Sorry, sorry. It's just we haven't slept in days... and we're running out of money and-- Banana bread! What the hell were you thinking? Banana bread. I apologize. I apologize again.

But it's only 7:00. Yeah! The sun is still out! Ohh!

(BEETHOVEN'S FIFTH SYMPHONY PLAYING) Where is everybody going? The symphony, she has just started! So? We already heard the Dum, dum, dum, dum The rest is just filler.

I told you to unplug the phone. But it could be my mother. Howdy-- Shoot! Greetings, friend-- That is it, Ned. If you don't unplug that phone right now, you're sleeping on the lawn. Will you two shut up?

- Dr. Marvin Monroe. - Hiya. Now, first let's see what all the excitement is about. Here's an example of the work currently being turned out at I&S Studios. Aaaaaaah ! Hilarious.

join us tomorrow when our topic will be "Religion: Which is the One True Faith ?"

The South shall come again.

Aaaaahh! Hey, Homer. Hey, Homer. Hiya, Homer! What's the matter? Aaaaaaahhh! Sneakin' out the back way

Here you go... just kidding. Here you go... just kidding.

Till then, you're going to spend the day in hell!

It is our great pleasure to provide you with unlimited entertainment... on your intergalactic journey. On this cable system, we receive over one million channels... from the furthest reaches of the galaxy. You get HBO? No. That would cost extra. And over here is our crowning achievement in amusement technology: an electronic version of what you call table tennis.

Let me through. I'm her husband. That explains a lot.

Look at that. Hello, Krusty. Oh, that's funny. So, Marge, who's your favorite Native American warrior? Crazy Horse! Whoo, whoo, whoo!

Well, it's been my lifelong ambition. And if a man pretending to be me could do it, well, then, logically, the real me must be far more qualified.

Th-Thank you. Well, that's the funeral, folks. We'll be sitting shivah at the Friar's Club at 7:00 p.m., and again at 10:00. You must be over 18 for the 10:00. It gets a little blue.

Don't say revenge. Don't say revenge. Uh, revenge? That's it. I'm gettin' out of here.

This is all my fault. I came to find someone, but now I've just lost Dad, and--

What is he, blind and deaf? From now on, the restraining order is set at 200 feet. (ALL GASP) (GASPS) That's 61 meters. ALL: Oh! Sacrebleu!

Queen of hearts. I believe all the rest are ours. Oh, well played. We could've stopped them if you had changed to a different suit. I thought perhaps changing suits had gone out of fashion. Eh, Marge?

All right, stick it to the man.

These losers are out of peanut butter. I know how to make some. Peanuts... butter. Now we just put the top on. Hey, I didn't get where I am putting tops on things. Now let's make jelly.

Quiet, please. I have something to say. Quiet.

You removed it from its original packaging! No! It's no longer a collectible! Oh! Oh!

Too fluffy, too Siamese, too needy, too stuck up. Infected eye, clearly a skunk. (GASPS) Meow!

You may have heard of it. It's called America. Hey, I know that country! I could please Miss Barbra Streisand By spitting on the flag Or strangling a bald eagle On the cover of some mag

Son, would you like to ride your new bike out of the store? Can I? For true? For true, Son. Hey, pally. I don't want to downshift your enthusiasm but that's a floor model. Your bike is in here.

Bees. - Bees. - Bees? Gentlemen, I regret to inform you... that the state supreme court has determined... that forcing cadets to cross the Eliminator... is a barbaric and malicious practice. Yes! Hence,

Washington! Whoo-hoo!

an entire Simpsons episode every week?" For the answer to this, we went straight to the source. Get outta my office!

So happy together Ahhh! I can't see me lovin' nobody but you For all my life

Lobo. Lobo. Bring back Sheriff Lobo! Lobo! Lobo! What, Homie?

Wasting no time, Rex Banner tore into the bootleggers... like a chippie tearing into a lobster. How do you know you don't like bribes if you've never taken one?

Boy, the way the Bee gees played Movies John travolta made

What about mosquito bites? Mm-mmm. Sure are fun to scratch. Mmm, satisfying. What about, uh, fluorescent lights?

I know you think the junior Campers are square and "uncool," but they also do a lot of neat things-- like sing-alongs and flag ceremonies. Marge, don't discourage the boy. Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals-- except the weasel.

Now, they may ask you to locate your town on a map of the U.S. So, let's do that. Uh, Springfield, Springfield. Right here. Dad, you're not pointing anywhere near Springfield. It's over here, Apu. Hey! What you doin'? Studyin'? Oh, I'm so confused. I don't even know where I'm getting kicked out of anymore.

And finally, Itchy and Scratchy, the "Little Barbershop of Horrors" episode. Cross my fingers for me.

Slim, if we've got the bag with the stolen diamonds, then what happened to the bag with our stash? There's more than one way to get high, baby.

l have been paid millions... to endorse these butt-ugly shoes. My forthrightness is my undoing. Kiki, I'm tired oftrade-show modeling. My back really hurts.

I’ve gotta stop them from shooting! l- I don- Lisa, dont hate me for this. Continue aiming. Still aiming. Hey, cops! Check out this all points bulletin!

Ow! Ow! Stop it! Children, teachers, back to your rooms. Uh-oh. Whenever I get this upset, I get hiccups. Oh, right on cue.

Listen, I worked long and hard for this place, and no one's gonna take it away from me. Not you, not its rightful owner, not anybody. And another thing! If I have--

Huh? Smithers, there's a rocket in my pocket. You don't have to tell me, sir. Turn off the chair. Turn off the chair.

What's this? Melon rinds, panty hose, a term paper from Texas Tech? Simpson, do you know anything about--

You can either be a fairy or a queen. It's wide open.

Blah! I almost swallowed some of the juice. I'll be tasting that for weeks.

You tell Mr. Saul Bellow the Nobel prize-winning Jewish novelist that I lost my appetite. Could you direct me to President Francois Mitterand's table? You think you're funny? 50 million Frenchmen can't be wrong.

Your family will be here soon. The only way out ain't pretty. What's that? Dating a nurse. I knew you'd send your father to the crazy house.

Oh, you're gonna love it in Cuba, Marge. There's shredded pork everywhere! It's carne de burro. Nice to meet you. Ah, the new Packard we've been hearing so much about.

Frankly, I'll be quite relieved when we get back to England, and we won't have to deal with them. Are you saying we won't see my family again? Well, possibly your mother will come when the children are born. I can't believe I'm hearing this! - I don't want to cut my family out of my life! - Really? But, Lisa, you're better than this place. You're like a flower that grew out of a pot of dirt.

Lousy meat-eating scum. Huh? Not you. I'm going over to protest this disgusting new restaurant called The Slaughterhouse. It's decorated with hanging steer carcasses and a fountain of blood.

Who wants to put on a leotard and get screamed at? Well, hookers and Spider-Man.

Then, Lisa Simpson. And finally, Maggie. Eh! Nobody told us how tough it is to raise kids. They almost drove me to fortified wine.

Smithers, I'm home! What? Already? Yes. Is it my imagination, or is TV getting worse? Ah, it's about the same. Uh-oh! Look out, Smithers!

You guys are nuts!

"Down with"-- "homework"? Don't look at it, children. His shirt makes a good point. I'm with the shirt! Homework rots! Down with homework! Down with homework!

What am I gonna do ? I've murdered us all ! I've murdered us all ! I've murdered us all ! Shut up ! Shut up ! Shut up ! D-oh !

We had a very nice time." Oh, that's sweeT. - "P.S. We've taken your old lady." - D'oh! Could you at least tell me what you're planning to do with me? Oh, don't worry. You're completely safe.

of chills, thrills, spills and kills. And that chase at the end, my friend ? Mwah ! Are you nuts ? That movie stinks like your creepy one-bedroom apartment. Your mother didn't think it was so creepy. "My mother." Real mature. I'm sick of your grade-school humor. I love watching the bald guy argue with the fat tub of lard. Ooh. Hey, what gives ? Dad, do something.

Mr. Hutz, we've been in here for four hours. Do you have any evidence at all? Well, Your Honor, we've got plenty of hearsay and conjecture. Those are... kinds of evidence. Your Honor, I move for dismissal. I've got it! Dad, give me $750.

Excuse me. Which way to the Chess Club? What's your name, nerd? Melvin Eugene Puny-Meyer. Well, well, a big muscle-bound nerd. Ha! Just more of you to pick on. The geek shall inherit the earth.

I'm afraid I already swallowed it while you were talking. Good morning, students. Way to go there, Wendell! There's Ralph. He knows the score!

Yeah. Just breathe slowly and squeeze the-- I hit it! I hit it! My cans. My precious, antique cans. Aw, look what you done to 'em. Well, it's getting late. Maybe we should call it a night.

Why did I register with Insta-Trace? Our pledge enforcement van will be at his house in moments. Uh-oh. You gotta help me, Bart.

His blood type is double-O-negative. It's quite rare.

Hey, that guy looks like you. Oh-ho! That's me, all right-- standing up against America's reckless spendthrift politicians. It commemorates my liberation of a trillion dollars that would have been foolishly squandered. Let's move! Is that the trillion-dollar bill in his hand?

I had to sell it for gas money.

Look! What's that? We'll be dashed to pieces! Oh, Lord, protect this rocket house and all who dwell within the rocket house. It's them, all right. We're over here, Homie! Oh. Something's wrong with its brakes. Gangway!

Gina, before we get any closer, there's something you need to know about me. I think girls are icky pants. It took a lot of courage to say that. Courage I'm gonna pinch outta you. (GIGGLING)

I feel so European. Huh. Mine keeps disappearing. Oh, well. Oh, I hope they're goin' somewhere good. Okay, boy, let's strut our stuff.

That's Lenny? Oh, I wanted the black one! Wow. Lenny, your apartment is stunning. So, how do you afford such a sweet pad?

All he can do is eat me when I'm dead. Don't cry, sweetie. Everything's gonna be all right. Come on, kids. We should go. Goodbye, Selma. I'm not dead, idiot. I know. That was for the other patients. Ow! Ow! My thingies! (ORGAN MUSIC ON TV)

Mr. Burns. We've heard a German consortium offered to purchase the plant. Any comments? You'll see the Statue of Liberty wearing lederhosen before you'll see Germans running my plant! Then why are you meeting with them? So I can look Uncle Fritz square in the monocle and say, "Nein!"

Whoo-hoo! I win the bet! Who’s your daddy? But the headlines are dead wrong.

and agreed to fund the school with some money he found in his tuxedo pants. Thank you. Thank you. Humbug. While Moe, seeing what the world would be like if he had never been born, pulled his head out of the oven and replaced it with a plump Christmas goose. Happy holidays there.

That's the most flattering thing anyone ever said to me. Could I have it in writing? "Not insane." Hmm. I'm proud of you, Homer.

but it's going to stop now! Leopold. All right.

Uh, partial credit.

- That does it ! - Whoa !

And yet, they've managed to raise an emotionally healthy son. That's fantastic. Oh, thank you. We can all learn a lot from this young man here. This-This-- Rudiger. Rudiger. And if we can all be more like little Rudiger-- - His name is Bart. - His name isn't important.

Master, you are needed in the kitchen. I said cover for me, damn it ! But, master, we need your skilled hands ! My skilled hands are busy. You do it !

Lovely to Love Your Lovin', and Simpsons Christmas Boogie went mega-platinum and swept the Grammys. Right. And the award for Best Hard-core Thrash Metal goes to... Simpsons Christmas Boogie? Simpsons Christmas Boogie

Ow! So many shoppers! Damn this... Ow! Resilient economy! (SCREAMS IN PAIN) (SIGHS) (LISA GROANS) This is our Little Hooker line. All the girls your age are wearing it, except the freakishly unpopular. But I'm eight years old!

It burns! It burns! Don't worry, that "lava" is just orangeade... made by our sponsor, Osaka Orangeade Concern. It burns! It burns!

now knocking Whitey unconscious. Wow. This is a-- This is a black day for baseball.

This is Lindsey Naegle.

Milhouse has one. If Milhouse jumped off a cliff-- Milhouse jumped off a cliff? I'm there. Get back here, boy. You're a disgrace to this family, and its proud naval tradition. Well, I'm keeping this earring, and you can't stop me! Oh. I always thought Lisa would be the one to get her ears pierced. Can I? No!

Yesterday, we asked if you wanted to risk it all for $500,000. And you stalled for 20 minutes. Yes. Yes, I did. I was told to. Hey, that's great. But now we must have your answer... in the next 10 or 15 minutes. Ooh. You want some of this? Well, do ya? I can honestly say I do.

Well, it's been a tad harder than I thought. But I'm not complaining, 'cause I work for a sweet, sweet boss. You're our foreman, Maude. She's still bossing you around from beyond the grave? Can they do that? No, I don't mind, but my greenback stack's gettin' kind of slack.

Come closer. Yes, dear ? Uh, maybe, um, one more dish. Make it double cappuccino chocolate fudge. Oh ! Your third bowl. I think you may be on the mend. Is there anything else I can get you ? Hmm. Perhaps the TV. Of course. Homer !

Uh, may I take your coat, Aunt Selma? Um, I would also like to take your coat.

like Rain Man or Awakenings? I mean, what the hell am I doing here? And this dialogue has none of the wit and sparkle of Murphy Brown. Hey, you know we're getting into golden time? Yes, well, just get it right... or you'll all be back doing Come Blow Your Horn at the Westport Dinner Theater.

Note for later: Put rubber spider down Lisa's dress. Hey, I know. How about if I dig up some dirt on Alison? Remember how I got Milhouse's picture on America's Most Wanted?

- Hey, look at me. - Whoa-ho. Bart, look. I will never get tired of this. I'm gonna have my wedding here.

Remember now-- your name is Homer Thompson. I gotcha. Hello, Mr. Thompson. Now, when I say, "Hello, Mr. Thompson"...

Dad, the bill's only a hundred. I broke some bathroom fixtures. Oh! Pathetic. I'm pathetic? Because I take money from my 10-year-old son? Well, let me tell you something! I still call the shots around here! Homer, use your inside voice.

Can't do it on purpose. But hey, maybe you'll get lucky.

A house of loose ethics. Is there a building code violation? A drainage issue? A surveying error? The house is perfectly fine! Well, then quit bad-mouthing the house! Yeah, leave the house alone! Oh, geez! It's what's inside the house that's disgraceful. Drinking, gambling and debauchery.

That's a lie, and you know it! But I have seen a lot of movies.

You're not really Santa, tubby. Why, you little egghead !

Cuff her, boys! Off the record, ma'am all the gals on the force knew just how you felt. That's nice. Could you loosen my cuffs? No.

I'm not surprised you want me back in your life. You can't spell party without Artie-- If you misspell party... or Artie. Uh-- - How you doing? - Look, it's great to see you, but you should know I'm happily married. Married? Was it consummated? Pretty much, yeah.

Yvan eht nioj Eht nioj Yvan eht nioj You gotta love that crazy chorus. What does it mean? It doesn't mean anything.

Come on! Open the door! What are you doing now? I'm banging my head. I'm gonna make the lump even bigger. No! As your babysitter, I order you to stop hitting your head on the wall!

I'm telling you, he's such a curious little dickens. I bet he could build a nuclear power plant if he wanted to. All right, Sparrow. We know you're in there. We'll give you one minute to surrender. Oh, my ! Ooh, trouble in the neighborhood. Let's check it out.

Stop him! Out of the way, Midge. Oh, am I in the way? Yes, yes, you're in the way! Are you daft, woman? Sorry. I didn't realize I was in the way. You're still in the way. You don't seem to be moving at all. Oh, for cryin' out loud, just knock her ass down.

(SCREAMS) (CLANKIING) What? Spider poison is people poison? (CRIES) Bart! (GRUNTS) Hmm. Where's the pain? (GROANS) Ow! There it is! (CRYING)

Oh, you betcha. This kiosk sells personalized movies. I had one made starring little Rod. w'w' f Theme f

Mm-hmm. Breakfast! Breakfast?

What a crappy candle. You've ruined our vacation.

We find the defendant guilty. Marge Simpson, I sentence you to 30 days in prison. Next case. The National Council of Churches vs. Lionel Hutz. Oh, right. That thing.

The film is just me in front of a brick wall for an hour and a half.

Of course, he's no Babe Ruth Iii, but the franchise is very excited about this illegitimate great grand bambino. And what's this? He's pointing to the right field bleachers. Probably at a dying little boy. Mom, am I dying? No, of course not.

Hey, love birds, keep it down. Look what I got, Marge. A baby monitor. Baby to Marge. Baby to Marge. Wah! Wah! Over. I don't know how we can afford these things on your salary.

And then he worked on a machine to communicate with the dead. Some kind of scary telephone, I guess. Maybe he planned to stick his head under the ground and yell. All right already! Everyone knows the man accomplished a lot. Maybe because he didn't spend every waking moment talking about Thomas Edison. Oh, that's where you're wrong, Marge. He was a shameless self-promoter.

Elephants and kangaroosies-roosies This little trap is gonna make my dad angrier than he's ever been. In the meantime, I gotta tell those Internet guys to hold tight. - Can I come too? - Good idea. You can speak nerd to them.

Aren't you the boy who beats up my son?

- eight-- - Whoo-hoo!

Mom, can I go buy one of those long, plastic horns? Oh, Bart, we've bought those before, and you always just throw them out the car window on the ride home. I get bored with them. But that won't happen this time.

I hope you do find that punk someday, Moe. Fill 'er up. Is everything okay ? Usually you have a quick one, some peanuts, beef jerky, pickled eggs, and you're outta here. Let's just say I don't feel like goin' home tonight. Jar, please.

Homer Simpson! Yes! All my love has come back in trophy form. Now let's take a look at Homer's wonderful work. It looks like any other home in America. But this is the house that love built.

neurochemical research center at Fort Meade, Maryland for extensive testing.

But you're the one who's been bad. You've been sneaking puddings. But-- But how did you know? We know all your secrets. And you pilfered the poor box. And, Doctor, we know that you and the bootblack...

What is it, N'gungo? Evil is coming. - What shall we do, N'gungo? - Uh-- You are N'gungo now. Aaah!

Give me the bear. The bear. The bear! Here you go, Maggie.

I did not come to this country illegally to see it mocked. There's the boy who bared his bottom to Old Glory and the family that applauds his every moonery!

Far too much dancing, not nearly enough prancing. A little mincing would be nice.

will soon make you an easy target for every smooth-talking lothario with a car and tight jeans I will now show a short sex education film. Ezekiel and Ishmael in accordance with your parents' wishes you may step out into the hall and pray for our souls.

Bart, I can spend some time with you. I don't know, Mom. Don't have a stereotypical view of me just because I'm your mother. I know. How about we play the basketball? I'm no Harvey Globetrotter, but--

How about it, Luann? Will you marry me... again? Ooh, no! Oh. Well, uh, can I have my shirts back at least? Okay, you heard the lady. Why don't you take it outside, all right? Uh, I'll be back... pr-probably.

Oh, sorry. We forgot how much you love Jebediah Springfield. Yeah, he's your boyfriend. Yeah !

"Hootie and the Blowfish"?

We also sell frozen yogurt, which I call frogurt. Well, I need something for my son's birthday.

Oh, the Elves ! The Elves ! Bye, kids ! Watch out for the boy. Mmmwha ! Bye, now. Mmmwha ! Be good.

Foul temptress. I'll bet she thinks Ziggy's gotten too preachy too.

Well, the fans are weary of fights that are over... before they have an opportunity to even get drunk. I just need a body who can sustain verticality for three rounds.

Yeah. Rumor has it Marge threw him out. Aw, tough break. She's a beautiful lady. You got that straight, Barn. To Marge! Moe, what do you recommend for severe depression? Booze, booze and more booze. Huh. Nothin' like a depressant to chase the blues away.

But now I realize that being a spaceman... is something you have to do. Who's doing what now? Well, here I am, right on time. I don't see... Barney "Let's Crash the Rocket Into the White House and Kill the President" Gumble. Actually, he's been here since sunrise. Hi, Homer. Since they made me stop drinking,

But before the evening ends, may I request... an innocent peck on the cheek? Okay. Mmm! Mmm! Oh, no. If Marge marries Artie, I'll never be born.

Ooh, boy, Flipsy! You and I are going on a road trip. Whoa! Ha-ha.

That's nearly a century from now. Boy, is my face red. Bart ? Bart !

Arr! Have ye tried a Baltic squid? They can suck the bolts out of a submarine's hull.

Oh, enchiladas!

Stop! That's my car!

This goes back to the '78 Frank Wallbanger case. How about that? I looked something up. These books don't just make the office look good. They're filled with useful legal tidbits.

Anyway, "long story short"... is a phrase whose origins are complicated and rambling.

It's funny how two wrongs sometimes make a right.

Happy... Valentine's Day. - Oh, thank you, dear. - Whoo-hoo! I'll bet you have a lot of things planned, eh, Dad? Uh, kind of. Nobody makes a big deal out of Valentine's day.

We're talking softball From Maine to San Diego talking softball mattingly and canseco

Simpson, we got a problem. The jazz pianist didn't show up. What am I supposed to do? Ow!

Steal my plant, will you? By the time you wake up, youll be walled inside my mausoleum forever!

(SCATTING) Grampa! (SNORING) Plus your schoolyard chums, Martin and Ralph. Bart's my bestest boy friend. Oh, Mom. This guest list sucks. Well, it was the best I could do on such short notice. (GROANS) Where's Milhouse?

With the fickle fans already forgetting me, I was ready to take the biggest step of my life. Doh !

Hey, that's our play chair! To demonstrate what you're in for, I will now strap myself into this electric chair, which was deactivated over 30 years ago... and, I can only assume, still is. Uh-oh. We didn't reset the safety switch.

Did you make it to the top, Dad? Huh? Did ya? Why don't you tell me, Son? See any interesting flags up there? All i see is a pole. Maybe the flag fell off. Ah, damn it! Forget about it, Homer. You made it to the top.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. It's all in the delivery. "Now is the winter of our discontent"-- Oh, no! Run! Cool! Yeah.

You don't know what I'm missin'.

Hello! Pay attention to me. Look at me! I'm Bart, I'm Bart. Look at me. Look at me. Look at me.

We've just been handed a bulletin from our Rock 'n' Rumor department. Michael jackson is moonwalking his way to Springfield.

Hey, way to knock out my teeth!

You idiot! He was the most talented one! You do not love Mr. Burns. You love Homer and Marge. You are their son. What you are doing is wrong, wrong, wrong!

Stop the ride! I'll have to ask my supervisor. Better stop it. Can't you do something? Hey. Surly only looks out for one guy-- Surly. Hmm. Sorry, Surly. Shut up. Don't blame these kids.

The computer says the movie Chocolate Star Wars doesn't exist. I say you don't exist! No, I'm right here, under "Staff." What I want is a really good weeper. What about Love Story? It's about a Harvard chick that puts out for a guy and then croaks.

No! You are not performing that operation yourself. But, Marge, it looks so easy. just like carving a turkey. Oh! Oh! Eww! Maybe you're right, Marge.

The flowers, the earrings, the Bob Seger boxed set, which really only needed to be one disk, but the box was nice! Homer, I don't need fancy things. And even if I did, this is the wrong way to get them. And to remind you of what you've done,

Instead of video games, they have weird, free newspapers. Hmm. Mom, am I "butch" or a "fem"? Honey, you can be anything you wanna be. Ha!

The mystery dog is gaining fast on the outside. Of course, he could never win this race, or could he? What's Santa's Little Helper doing to that dog? Uh-oh.

I thought we killed him! No, we didn't. But I did delete him from my bulk e-mail list. No, you didn't. That's right. Twice a week, I get your e-mail of the monkey peeing in his own mouth. Oh, yeah. (CHUCKLING) That monkey got America through some tough times.

(GROANS) I always hoped we wouldn't be one of those restraining order families. How am I supposed to know if I'm 20 feet away? Don't worry, son. No one's going to make you count to 20. I have a more humane solution.

Wait for it, wait for it. Ha-ha! Life goes on. (CROWD MURMURING ANGRILY) Please don't go! Please! Please? I command you! Homie, I better start dinner.

Because I've always been an advocate of women in the workplace, Lise. I can't help it if Mom's workplace contains our TV. I'm honored, Bart, and, Lisa, you'll have a fine time at the plant with Dad. You've been interested in nuclear power for years. I've signed numerous petitions to shut down that plant. Well, there you go! Mom, you're blocking the TV.

See? And my son Bart.

let's see the names of our Krusty birthday pals for today. All right, here comes my name. Wow. Best eight bucks I ever spent. Bart, your grandpa's on the phone. He wants to wish you a happy birthday. Isn't that nice? Take a message.

(GASPS) What? What's going on? Where are my shoes? (STRAINING) (CHUCKLES) Struggle all you want, Homer. There's nothing you can do. (HOCKS AND SPITS) Why... Excuse us for a moment.

1796. A fiercely determined band of pioneers leaves Maryland... after misinterpreting a passage in the Bible.

You're not risking your life just to impress me, are you? Well, yeah. Oh, cool. Now get goin'. Chop-chop.

(READING TITLES) Oh, Goldilocks. And the three bears! Oh, God, they're in our food! Teddy Grahams, Gummi Bears!

I never thought I'd say this but the no-goodniks rule this school. Get your hands off me! God, I could really use a half day. Think you're big men with your handcuffs and blasted Tasers! Get him out of here. I'll get you, Bart Simpson, if it's the last thing I do!

Oh, cool! It must be dislocated or something. We have to get you to the emergency room! And get this fixed? What's the rush? Don't you want everyone to see what a responsible babysitter you were? Stop it! Stand still! Maybe I can pop it back in.

Coming over here--

That is one handsome rattlesnake you got bitin' your arm there. Yeah, it's quite fetching. But, uh, aren't you worried about the deadliness? Nah, he'll get tired of bitin' in an hour or so. Snakes-- nature's quitters.

My whole class is here. They're going to observe the human peep show... that is our lives. Apparently, that disturbing odor was the food.

There's only two kinds of guys who wear those shirts-- gay guys and big fat party animals. And Bart doesn't look like a big fat party animal to me.

Joe, I told you. It's over. - Release me from your kung fu grip. - Fine. I'll bomb your house into the ground, missy!

You gotta hand it to Krusty. Yeah. Even with all his problems, he's still willing... to do something unbelievably dangerous... just to entertain his fans.

You're making a tasty fake? (CHUCKLES) That is so '90s. Why don't we all move to Seattle and use slow modems?

Oh, could you make sure not to scrape my asphalt. Kiss my asphalt.

You can no longer wear this name patch.

My name iS luka i live on the second floor Give me my car, fatty. This is my car! And I'm not fat! It's glandular! Right.

I wonder what it would be like to be with a woman like that. Ooh! Mmm! Far-fetched.

Point out your plot holes elsewhere.

Heaven has a wide array of fine dining just steps from your room. Have a light bite at the Pope of Sandwich Village. Okay, let's see. Earth is channel 23, I think.

Dad, do you realize what you've done? You've created a world without death. Does this mean they'll never cancel the Jim Belushi Show? I guess so. (SCREAMING) No! LISA: A world without death. (GUNSHOTS)

Ho-ho. Stupid sheep.

You're no more of a pig than I am.

Mr. Burns's reign of terror is over! Yay! And today begins my reign of ter- Huh? ...riffic management! Oh! I thought he was gonna say "terror." Oh, I didnt think he was going that way.

Sleep well, Maggie. Ah, three for three.

I didn't know you, jay Leno and a monkey were bathing a clown. Well, they are, so make with the loofah or get out. And then of course, there's Mom,

Oh, that's delicious. Can I have more? Good Lord! We've discovered the ruins of an ancient city.

Gimme that sax! No! - I said gimme! - I said no!

Do you think it was Papa? I wouldn't put it past him. He stole my gold tooth the night he left. He didn't leave. He went to the store. And when he comes back, I'll wave those Pop Tarts right in your face! They don't sound happy but here comes a mob shaking their fists in gratitude! Get him!

My director is telling me not to talk to you anymore. Whoo-hoo! Mr. Burns, you mentioned you wanted an opening tirade. Yes, thank you, Kent. Fifteen minutes from now, I will wreak a terrible vengeance on this city! No one will be spared!

I'll take one, Achoo. No, not "choo," "poo." I got troubles with both.

Get in the corner.

Fine. I'll be in the car, driving home. Well, if it isn't that stupid cop from TV. Ah, yeah, that got it.

D'oh! - D'Oh! - D'Oh! Whoo-hoo!

I mean romance, not love. Mom, romance is dead. It was acquired in a hostile takeover by Hallmark and Disney, homogenized, and sold off piece by piece.

Huh? Jingle bell what? Dad, it's a blackout. A blackout? Every time Santa and I get together it's a disaster. Oh, no, the power's out? We'll miss Fox Celebrity Boxing! I heard tonight they have Ed Bradley vs. Mister Ed.

It's the cops! Worse. The police cops.

Yes, I will. I've got a proposition for you. Your Flaming Moe is perfect for our chain. We want to buy the recipe. It's not for sale. Do you know how much of my blood and sweat are in this drink? Uh... figure of speech. Sorry, Harv.

Okay, turn on the suction. It's not working. Whoa! What is it? Uh, nothing.

Remember a sadder day Look, Mom! Look! I'm riding by myself!

Society put Drederick Tatum away for his brutal crime. But he's paid his debt, and now he's going to get revenge... on Homer Simpson.

No, Homer! Don't fill up on bread! Huh? Oh, right! The steak! Come on, Dad. Pick up the pace. Chew and swallow. No savoring. Must eat beef. Must defeat guy I just met.

Hey, lots of people like eel pie! Yeah? Well, how many of them have mutton chops?

(SCREAMING) (TIRES SCREECHING) (MICROWAVE DINGS) How's the ice cream, kids?

Marge, I have my pride. I'm going to go to night school, earn my high school diploma... and get back my Most Improved Odor trophy! You're a comedy writer? My God, you're so old. I want my check! You're a writer, all right. Here you go, Simpson.

May God have mercy on our souls.

and the United States of America has...

The latest polls indicate you're in danger of losing touch with the common man. Oh, dear ! Heaven forfend !

Oh, my God! I killed the mayor. All right, stay calm. I'll just use the body to stage an elaborate farce À la Weekend at Bernie's and-- Help. Help. His corpse is climbing the building. I'm alive, you idiot. Pull me in.

He proposed to another hooker at the bus station. You sure love driving. Mm-hmm.

Oh, we're surrounded, Marge. Maybe we should give ourselves up.

Hey, Lise, we're characters in a cartoon. How humiliating. Look.

Okay, okay, I lied! I shoot wedding videos in Dallas, Fort Worth... Okay, okay, just Fort Worth! Ah! Hello, UN Women's Conference! (EXCLAIMS)

so we're gonna have to make a few changes. First of all, Franklin, you are no longer the girliest cadet here. Well, we'll see about that. Second, this is now the girls' barracks. So pack your things. You're moving in with Company "L." Company "L"! But they smell.

do something cool. Oh. I could quit now, but then my son will never look up to me. Oh, why was I born a dad? Why do I suck?

Go away! We got bigger problems now!

Lisa, don't sulk. You're on the JumboTron. Adorable. And, Lord, please remember our infirm parishioners, especially Mrs. Glick, who's recovering from hip surgery.

I needed more money to support my growing family. And there was only one place in town that a man like me could make it.

It's not Batman! I think I have a way to stop the train. You need to find an anchor of some sort. Think harder, Homer.

Let me get this straight. You took all the money you made franchising your name... and bet it against the Harlem Globetrotters? Oh! I thought the Generals were due! He's spinning the ball on his finger! just take it! Take the ball!

Nobody dumps Abe Simpson. You're nothing but a hoochie! Hoochie! Hoochie! Hoochie! Hoochie! Hoochie! Hoochie! Hoochie! Hoochie! Hoochie! Oh, oh, oh! Now I'd like my son to come up here.

Easy. Easy! Oh, why do you hate my trains?

I'd love to. Uh, let me just check my schedule here. Well, l was gonna erase those two apostrophes and replace 'em with G's, but that's about it. So, you know, call anytime. Why's she crying? Oh, that's right.

Lift those gams!

The joke's on you, buddy. There's no bullets in that thing. Yo, give me the bullets. Okay. Don't shoot! Drop it! Bye! How did you know we were being robbed?

Here you go. Front and center. I'm so proud of you, Homie. ts like you’re Kid Rock... and I'm Pamela Anderson Lee Rock. Oop. Gotta run. Enjoy the show.

Mm-hmm. Morning, Homer. Looking good. Yeah. Walking's made a new man outta you. It sure has. You see this bulge back here?

is 'cause nobody else would! Watch this, Lise. You can actually pinpoint the second when his heart rips in half. And... now. Ohhh.

Way to go, Mom! Everybody was cheering for you! Almost everybody. Kids, wait in the car. I want to talk to your mother about this play thing. Lookin' for a spot of fun with the missus, hey, guv'nor? Shut up, boy. Marge, you were terrific.

Que sera, sera Whatever will be will be The future's not ours to see

We won, Lisa. We finally won.

And finally, Itchy and Scratchy, the "Little Barbershop of Horrors" episode. Cross my fingers for me. That's gonna hurt come winter.

Mmm, I guess that we don't have to go to school. Wow! Mine too! The world is completely different on a weekday morning. Banks are open. Old people are walking the streets with impunity. And look! Barney's not even drunk yet. Morning, boys. Can't stop to chat.

I don't know. What's so great about this oxygen bar? Yeah, I think I'm gettin' the bends. Whoa. Lenny, stand on my chest. I'm trapped! This is creative design run amok. That's it! I'm gonna tell Moe exactly what I think of his--

and that unfortunate bout of rabies. Well, I'm not sure I'm over it. Shove it, witch. No more excuses! Tourette's syndrome.

(BOTH LAUGHING) Wow. Mom and Dad sure are having fun. Hey, as long as they're not hurting anybody. Uh-oh. Whoa. I will give you money. Okay, I am going to tell.

Oh, Cletis, you know I gotta wear the shirt what Dairy Queen give me.

Stop that! Stop that at once! You're fighting! Stop fighting like a girl, Simpson! Okay.

Aw, geez. He's got everything but the Shriners. Hey, watch it! You're all over the road! We gotta stop that traitor Apu.

I'd do anything for keg-meister julius. So I cooked up a phony awards show. Not again. Time saver, my ass.

It's just a pinecone.

Hey, I heard we're going to Ape Island. Yeah, to capture a giant ape. I wish we were going to Candy Apple Island. Candy Apple Island? What do they got there? Apes, but they're not so big. Homer! Homer! Homer!

(GRUNTING) Ugh! This one keeps eating himself. (MUNCHING) Hello? Octopuses, I'm done.

I gotta admit, I'm-I'm kinda nervous here. We haven't seen Barney since they enveloped him. I'm sure he'll turn up. Look. Here's one of his buttons. All right, that's it. Get 'em outta here! This ain't no crow bar. This is a crow bar! See? They got the little stools and everything.

You said I should quit my job and become an inventor, or you'd torch the house. That doesn't sound like me. Well, I suppose if this doesn't work out, you can always go back to the plant. Not the way I quit.

Ugly. Wiener. Crater-face. Suey! Suey! Eh, maybe this was a mistake. Do you have a bigger brother for me yet? Okay. I'll be back in an hour.

Now let's get you kids home. Wait a minute. Xena can't fly. - I told you. I'm not Xena. I'm Lucy Lawless. - Oh. Stretch Dude and Clobber Girl

Well, if it isn't my arch nemesis, Bart Simpson, and his sister, Lisa, to whom I'm fairly indifferent.

What are you spraying me with? Rum-- so no one will believe your story! And don't come back.

Ah, ah, ah, ah Table five, table five

Yum, yum. I think I'd like some whipped cream on my Wyoming. Dad, the word's "desert." And those farmers are suffering. From what? Too much hot fudge? (LAUGHS) Come on, Bart. Show me some love.

I am an utter failure, and you'll be better off without me. By the time you read this, I will be in my watery grave.

Knock it off! Now, boys and girls let's welcome our very special guest Ted Carpenter from the Twirl King Yo-Yo Company. Kids, this is a yo-yo. Kind of dull, huh?

Isn't that the voice that caused all those suicides? Murder-suicides.

It's coming pretty close to the ground. Maybe I can catch it. Don't touch the telescope, Bart. Even a slight change in elevation can destroy a whole morning's work.

Can you describe the bill? Describe? Sure. Of course. Whose picture's on it? It would have to be somebody famous. I'm gonna say, Hitler. Next.

Bless you, Reverend. "Dear Neighbor."

but my love for my kids has given me plenty of happy days." Mmm.

Right or wrong, your behavior was still disruptive, young man. Perhaps spending the remainder of your life in a madhouse... will teach you some manners. Ha-ha!

I have just been appointed the new safety inspector at this very plant... with a big, fat raise ! Hey, that's my pop up there ! Dad, watch out ! Whoa, easy ! Don't drop me.

Relax, honey. You were just having a crazy nightmare. You're back with your family now where there's nothing to be afraid of. Except that fog that turns people inside out. Huh?

Oh, my gosh! Oh, wow! She really is hungry. She's really hungry. It's the monster!

I'm very mad at 'ou.

What was the cause of the Civil War? Actually, there were numerous causes. Aside from the obvious schism between abolitionists and anti-abolitionists, economic factors, both domestic and international-- Hey, hey! Yeah? - just say slavery. - Slavery it is, sir.

A chance to bring down Bart Simpson, our school's second most wanted criminal after the mysterious El Barto.

Quick ! It's Moe ! I gotta hide the mugs ! Wha-- YOu-- What are you-- Hey, go protest outside, will ya ? Now ! Hey, Homer, I brought you a mug.

I invented a program that downloads porn off the Internet one million times faster. Does anybody need that much porno? Oh. One million times.

Aha. Say no more. I read you loud and clear. The old shoulder pads. Look, I want a cup. Cup. Could you spell that? C-U-P. I wanna C-U-- Oh, my God!

The Simpsons (TIRES SCREECHING) D'oh! (SCREAMING) (TIRES SCREECHING)

And if that mockingbird don't sing (HUMMING) And if that diamond ring turns brass Mama's gonna buy you a looking glass HOMER: Lisa sings so sweetly. And Bart is my pillow.

MmM, mm-mm. I thought I found him, but it was only a cat.

Oh! See, I knew you'd find something you liked about him. Oh, I found something, all right. After the beep. Uh, Ralph's a little afraid of the dark, Bart.

Okay, people. We need to cook up a new holiday for the summer. Something with gifts, cards, assorted gougeables. How about something religious? We had great penetration last spring with Christmas ii. Ooh. I know. Spendover. Like Passover, but less talk, more presents. Product Day?

Is he still out there? Yes. He's raking leaves. What? That's your job! If he starts doing Lisa's wood chopping-- If he wants to make it up to you so badly, I think you should let him. Okay, okay. I'll let him. But then I get a Chipwich. Okay? It is an honor to begin repaying my debt to you.

We're going back to work! Yea!

Watch how fast I go. And for you, sir? I want a nice sandwich, but the joey Bishop-- too fatty. The jackie Mason-- makes me gassy. The Bruce Willis? I don't like his work. What is this-- a Krusty the Clown? Ham, sausage and bacon, with a smidge of mayo.

Lovable Just like me This is better than a movie... why?

Mmm. Mm-mm-mm. I'll show you! Okay. We kinda got off on the wrong foot there. Long story short, my "old lady" was--

Doh ! I... can't... breathe ! Too many... chil... dren.

Whether he's punching in his A.T.M. code... or keeping clean in the shower. Homer! But don't take my word for it. Listen to this testimonial.

I bet you don't know this one. How'd you like a Hertz donut? Hurts, don't it? Right. Do you know what a wet willie is? - Is it this? - Hey, baby!

Hey, didn't anybody notice this place sucks ?

And here we have the world-famous Beatles, exactly as they looked... performing on The Ed Sullivan show. Ohh. I hardly think it's fair to be charged full price. I'm up to my knees in the original cast of mash. Sunshine on my shoulders

We 're back with Who Wants to Marry an Internet Billionaire? Uh, no, millionaire. Well, nowhe’s broke. Why dont you turn off the TV and join us for dessert?

Maybe single people eat crackers. We don't know. Frankly, we don't want to know. It's a market we can do without. So that's it after 20 years-- so long, good luck?

You'll have to jump! Piece of cake, son. Crap! Crap! Crap! Crap! Crap! Crap! Crap! Crap! Crap! Crap!

Ooh. Hmm. - D'oh! - I heard that! - You know the rule! - Oh! But I can rebuild!

Whoa, careful now. These are dangerous streets for us upper-lower- middle-class types,

It's a real honor to be guarding your body, sir. just remember, you represent the office of the mayor. So always comport yourself in a manner befitting-- Quick, honk at that broad. Good work, Simpson. I couldn't be happier with the way that went.

Cut it out, Bart! What the-- Ooh, I wonder if her skills will transfer over to the game of hockey. Well, only one way to be sure. Heads up, little girl! The goalie of my dreams!

Well, maybe you'd get promoted if you worked a little harder. Are you kidding? I work like a japanese beaver. Oh, really? I came to see you three times today. Twice you were sleeping and once you were kicking that ball of electrical tape around.

And Bart's childish taunting agitated the Aussies further. Oh, he'll agitate ya. Ho-ho! He sure will! What can we do for you? Well, it's too late to merely pay back the money. But as a sign of good faith to our Australian friends,

Well, I'm glad we're friends again. Yeah. So what do you call this stuff? A double tall mocha latte. It's not bad. Well, it ain't beer. But at least I got that monkey off my back. Ah.

Hm? Hm? Hm? Hm? Good morning, sir. Relax, please. You do not have anything I have not seen before. What the-- Uh, I like to keep a lollipop there.

Oh! I almost had a straight! Come to new papa. Hey, what's the deal? We just spliced in some home movies. What do you think? Well, I'd rather reserve judgment until I-- Oh, my God! I'll mace you good!

One. Have you been up all night eating cheese? I think I'm blind.

Tonight the city weeps as for the first time ever a hockey arena becomes the scene of violence following a concert by Spinal Tap. I hope my poor little baby's okay. See for yourself. Unh!

D'oh! I can't believe I'm meeting Milhouse. Yeah! Heard it old school! No-o-o! Bart was so cool. - Little short. He's about this tall. - Don't print that.

Ezekiel and Ishmael in accordance with your parents' wishes you may step out into the hall and pray for our souls.

Oh, sure. I'll put you in the Rick James suite. It's super freaky.

Safe and sound. Oh, that's better. Oh, thank God I'm outta matches. Oh, no. Here's another one.

From this day forward I pledge there will be no pork chop too succulent, no doughnut too tasty, no pizza too laden with delicious topping... to prevent me from reaching my scientifically determined ideal weight ! As God is my witness, I'll always be hungry again !

Well, Marge, we could do worse. How? Uh, some dog could do the operation. Operation? What are you talking about? Kids, I have something to tell you.

Would it be all right if I read from my Bible? Of course. (GULPS) No wonder they call it the Good Book.

Yes. Yes. And you call them steamed hams despite the fact that they are obviously grilled. Ye-- You know, the-- One thing I should-- - Excuse me for one second. - Of course.

Mmm. Mmm! These are the juiciest frogs I've ever eaten. Mmm! Ra has rewarded my cruelty to the slaves. It's a plague, you moron! And we got lots more planned.

God has sent this fiery kill rock to show us his love. No! We're gonna die! There's only one man who can save us. Oh, I get it. When I'm crushing and killing you, you don't like me.

He's getting closer! Okay, Marge. You hide in the abandoned amusement park. Lisa, the pet cemetery. Bart, spooky roller disco. And I'll go skinny-dipping in that lake... where the sexy teens were killed a hundred years ago tonight.

Take that and that and-- Oh! I'm paralyzed. I just hope medical science can cure me.

We're talking Homer Ozzie and the Straw

because you have good intentions! - Hey, back off, man! - Oh, okay, dude! I wouldn't want you to have a cow, man! Here's a catchphrase you better learn for your adult years: "Hey, buddy, got a quarter?" I am shocked and appalled.

Get dancin', dancin', dance Get dancin', dancin', dance Keep movin'. Here come deejay Disco Tex Truckin' with his Sex-O-Lettes

The doctor said if you tried running again, your ankles would shatter. All right. We'll go on the winery tour. But you have to catch me first! (SNAPPING) (SCREAMS IN PAIN) Oh, my ankle snapped!

Will there be beer? Welcome to the Knowledgeum. i'm Troy McClure. You may remember me from such automated information kiosks... as "Welcome to Springfield Airport" and "Where's Nordstrom?" While you're enjoying our Hall of Wonders, your car will, unfortunately, be subject to repeated break-ins-- What'd he say? What about my car?

Tele-panhandling. And should there be a request for an encore, we will reprise "Pop Goes the Weasel." Otherwise, we will file out quietly. And that's how Willie waters. Now, you take the hoose-- The moose? The hoose! The hoose!

Hey, pally. I don't want to downshift your enthusiasm but that's a floor model. Your bike is in here. I could put it together right now for a small assembly fee. Here we go. Now it starts with the fees. I'll assemble it myself. Dad, no! Think of the bike!

I'm here to see Grandpa. Half the people here are named Grandpa. Well, Grandpa Simpson then. Second floor, third dank room on the left. Thanks, lady.

So you don't work on a contingency basis? No, money down! Oops. I shouldn't have this Bar Association logo here either.

Whoo-hoo! Whoa!

When I first arrived you were all such Jerks but now I've Come to lo-o-ove your quirks Maggie with her eyes so bright Marge with hair by Frank Lloyd wright

Oh, Mom. This guest list sucks. Well, it was the best I could do on such short notice. (GROANS) Where's Milhouse? He's got the measles. But we've got him on speaker phone. (DISTORTED) Rock on! You know, the first time I met Bart was at recess in first grade.

"'for behold, I bring you good tidings of great joy "'which shall be to all people...'" Stop that! You can't pray on city property! Let's just say that on this day a million years ago, a dude was born who most of us think was magic. But others don't. And that's cool.

"Yes, I am, Homer."

Let's see. Pause. Uh, three. No. FF--

There was so much I wanted to see and to do and to have done to me. Oh, my God. I got so swept up in the scapegoating and fun of Proposition 24, I never stopped to think it might affect someone I cared about. You know what, Apu?

Lisa, I'm afraid we'll have to stop getting Encyclopedia Generica from the grocery store. But next week is volume four-- Copernicus through elephantiasis. We all have to make sacrifices, dear. Maggie's baby clothes will have to last for a little longer.

Hey. Remember our agreement. I'm the man. You're the man!

Hello! Now I'll ruin you like a japanese banquet.

I like big butts And I cannot lie You other brothers can't deny That when a girl walks in With an itty-bitty waist

(CLANCY LAUGHS) I'm cuckoo for contraband! Of course, this wouldn't be necessary if retail drug prices were reasonable. Dr. Julius Hibbert, do you agree? Well, now, Kent, give the drug companies a break. They have lots of hidden costs, and they know how to treat a brother. Let me introduce you to the fine-looking females of Pfizer.

No talking. Is that gum?

You know, she can put that mole anywhere on her face. Wow. To Amber, who proves there are seconds in the buffet of life. Oh, my head!

You got a problem with that? As a matter of fact, I do. You missed a spot.

Litter is my most treacherous foe. I would like to eat its children. So long, suckers! Ooh! My mouth. My beautiful mouth. Excellent bout. Now we go party.

Welcome back to the final day of this-- the 23rd Olympiad, brought to you by Krusty Burger. You people are pigs! I personally am gonna spit in every 50th burger. I like those odds. In a moment,

it is my sad duty to unveil this simple memorial. Next in our cavalcade of celebrity mourners-- Bob Newhart. Uh-- See, uh-- To tell you the truth, I'm, uh--

Sometimes the world looks perfect Nothing to rearrange

Did she just tell me to shut up? Take it outside. You'll want a locker in this hallway. It's library-adjacent.

No, no, no. Don't you know what it means? Not... really.

that's Homer Simpson in the oven rotating slowly. His body temperature has risen to over 400 degrees. He's literally stewing in his own juices.

Uh, that's our chef, Christopher. I could see eating this. I really could, and I am not kidding. This is very crunchy. Those are good. Look at them! They've jumped on the one franchise...

MR. BURNS: Next stop, Pirate Island! Well, that was a pretty good party. Do you think Carol from Payroll and Mike from Shipping are going to hook up?

Good thing it's laminated. Sir, you cant- - All access! - Sorry. JJ All access. - How nice. - You rock.

Now who’s the sociopath? Huh? Moe. He's got a dark side I’ve never dreamed of. Well, mystery solved. Wait a moment.

All my life I've wanted purple drapes!

I get Ireland? (LAUGHS) And by the power vested in me by you just now, I pronounce you king and trophy queen. In the name of the Henry, the Hank, and the holy Harry... Amen. Henry.

So this must be that pain thing. Oh, yeah. Definitely pain. This sucks. Things were so much better back in the garden. I'm sure God will let us return soon.

Blah, blah, blah. I think I'm so big. Blah, blah, blah! Destroy him. Blah, blah, blah. Look at me-- Ow! This party is over.

Okilly-dokilly! Let's put on our game faces.

Don't forget Maggie. Oh, I got her when your heads were turned. Got her good! Now, Bart, just look out the window. It'll take your mind off the pain. And when you're done, I've got more lollies. No, thanks. I already helped myself.

Ah, he'll tire himself out soon.

What's he doin' with that broom? Uh, what isn't he doing? I heard that guy's ass has its own congressman. Hey! Leave my dad alone. just because he's overweight doesn't mean he's bad. He's a sweet man, and he has real feelings. What are you kids lookin' at?

Ho, ho, ho. Ho, ho, ho. Whoa! It's Santa, all right. And he is kickin' ass.

You rhyme like Snoopy-Dogg. Well, thank you.

We've been invited to the wedding... of our only graduate to read at an adult level. Hmm, it must be Lisa Simpson, because, of course, Martin Prince perished in that science fair explosion. Not quite perished, my lady love. Although some days I wish I had.

You believe me, don't you? You're my friend who believes me. Sweet, trustworthy Milhouse. Actually, Bart, you're kinda creepin' me out. Uh, I think I'm gonna go sit, uh, w-with that foreign exchange student.

Scientists. Scientists, please. Looking for some order. Some order, please, with the eyes forward and the hands neatly folded... and the paying of attention. Pi is exactly three!

How much do you want? A million dollars and three Hawaiian islands--

Let's go over the ground rules. You can't leave first until you chug a beer. Any man scoring has to chug a beer. Chug a beer at the top of all odd-numbered innings. And the fourth inning is the beer inning.

What's so funny? I was thinking about the time Homer caught his nose in the toaster. We'll watch the tape tonight. You got someone at your window. My name's Patty.

You sure look stupid in that green dress, Lise. That's funny. I don't feel stupid.

But, sir, that's my office. Don't worry, Smithers. I'm putting you where the action is. Springtime fresh, winter white. What could be better? Oh, man, I really gotta-- NO-O-o! So, Bart, how are you feeling?

Bart, I want you to go down to Moe's Tavern. I need you to bring your father home. Excuse me. I'm looking for... Wait a minute. I know that voice.

Seymour! Bring me some ice! My fanny is baboon red after that car ride! Ow! Mother! We were sharing an open-mouthed kiss! You brought your mother? Well, technically, since she's paying for the room she brought me. I am tired of sharing you with your mother!

Come on, kids. Let's go home. We are home. That was fast. You've just got to accept it. Your Gameboy is gone. It's at the bottom of the ocean. Aye, aye. Aye. Hello. Listen Lady.

Single. So hard, but so rewarding. Downhill skiers missing fun--

So we decided to make things right. Consider your debt repaid, neighbor. And then some. Look. I know this has been a stressful holiday.

I saved these for you, Bart. You'll always have them to remind you of the time... when you were the whole world's special little guy. Thanks, Mom. And now you can go back to just being you... instead of a one-dimensional character with a silly catchphrase. D'oh! ¡Ay, caramba!

Way to go, Dad! Take those punches. Man, that tramp's got the energy of a hobo. Yeah, he never stops punching, except to check out his bindle.

D'oh! Please, don't jump. I know you're going through some tough times but you have your whole life ahead of you. Well, Marge... Maggie was very young. It's not like we got so attached to her. No. Marge, isn't life funny?

He reminds me of me before the weight of the world crushed my spirit. Hmm, yeah.

Have a good night's sleep, Lisa. No, really, what?

"Mr. Burns... ...hound dog."

For liability purposes, it is the ocean that will kill you, not us. Hey, what do you know? It floats. That was my plan all along. Now relax, and the currents will take us home.

A musical doorbell. So many doorbells. I'm in way over my head.

Humpin' "hay-zeus"! He got all of that one! It's going, going, going-- Our technical director today was Stan Kadlubowski. it's out of here! 'Topes win!

Lost your dad? Uh-huh. He's not coming back, is he? He might.

So, have you noticed... how North Edinburgh golfers putt like this, and South Edinburgh golfers putt like this? Eh? Eh? Oh, I see.

Aw, listen, fella. I got a son of my own. Here. A novelty comb. Kings among men. You're lookin' at Adolf Hitler's personal limousine. It's roomier than Bonnie and Clyde's death car,

And she looks like Blossom.

Ah, I got you, my rumpy doppleganger. I've got it. Hey, what are you doing? Give me that phone? Congratulations, Bart. You've just discovered a comet. Noooo!

Sure. Divorce. Hey, you got it, toots! And here's a picture even you can figure out! It's a door! Use it! That's a door?

Woke up this morning Got yourself a gun Your mama always said you'd be the Chosen one She said you're one in a million You got to burn to shine

Homie, do you ever drink alone? Does the Lord count as a person? No. Then, yes. Do you need a beer to fall asleep? Thank you. That'd be nice. Do you ever hide beer around the house? Do I ever! Ah!

Down with homework! And down with uniforms! Yea! Ow, ow, ow, ow! Skinner, why aren't these uniforms colorfast?

Mom, why don't I have any friends? We have each other. When I was a lonely little girl, I always dreamed that someday my daughter would be my best friend. We are best friends, Mom, but I'm a kid. I need friends my own age too.

It's called "schmoozing!" (TIRES SCREECHING) Bart, you want to go to the video arcade? Hell, I'll even go shoe shopping. Hey! Come back! I'm calming down! We'll have family fun! Family fun! (TIRES SCREECHING)

Duck, duck, duck, duck. Duck, duck, duck, duck. Duck, duck, duck, duck. Say "goose," you stupid freak!

Lisa. Lisa. The butcher knife, Lisa.

Ooh! Aaah! I got the white stars you wanted, but I couldn't find... any red hearts, yellow moons or green clovers. Well, I'll use it, but I'm not paying for it.

MILHOUSE: Look at the cross-hatching on Grover Cleveland's tie. I completely buy the illusion of shadow.

I know what you mean. just let me make sure we're not talking about food. I'm not. Right. Me neither. We're talking about sex, right? Right. I hear you loud and clear. Bart, are you taking a bath?

Oh ! Look, Smithers, the money and the very stupid man are still here. Burns, if I didn't know better, I'd think you were trying to bribe me.

Remember the iHOP in Oakland? That's--

Baby Button-Eyes! What are you doing possessed at this hour? I'd better tell the governess...

Here are your lunches. And no trading your fruit for firecrackers. Oh! But Lenny just got some bottle rockets. You stay away from Lenny. And where's your sweater, Bart? It unraveled on a nail. That's not true. He left it on the bus. You're dead, squealer! Ah, Lisa! Help! Those boys of mine.

(ANNOUNCER READING) Order today. (GASPS) Bart, can I ask you an important question? How much? $29.99. (SIGHS) Here's fifty. Woo-hoo. That's your donut money, too, mister. (MOANING)

I-- I hate to change lanes once I get going. That's really for race car drivers. Mom, to your left. He's letting you in. Go!

I'll just sit here in Li'l Lightnin' which the Simpsons built... and remember that for one brief shining moment... I had a son. Ow.

I'm interested in upgrading my 28.8 kilobaud Internet connection... to a 1.5 megabit fiber-optic T1 line. Will you be able to provide an I.P. router... that's compatible with my token ring Ethernet LAN configuration? Can I have some money now?

The songs you io ve re written for babies! w' Who ieit the milk out; ; Yuck, yuck, yuck-yuck; J Dad left the milk out Yuck, yuck, yuck-yuck; That's good satire. It doesnt hurt anyone. - What do you think, Maggie? - w' Yuck, yuck, yuck-yuckjj Look! There's your father!

Uh, hello? Mailman?

I think I'll bottle-feed that one. A routine soul smear confirmed the presence of pure evil. It was then I knew the only option was to separate you two immediately.

Aww ! Why do birds suddenly appear

Son of a diddly!

Now, Scott Christian with "Laugh and a Half." Thanks, Kent. There was more dumb luck today when Police Chief Wiggum foiled a bank holdup without even trying. It seems the chief had gone to the bank to cash in his penny jar.

I came here shortly after my graduation from Cal Tech,

I guess you're not going to have an adventure this week. Just you wait. Hey, boy, where'd you get that hat?

Live from Shelbyville, it's The Springfield Squares, featuring our new center square, Homer "Perfect Game" Simpson. Hey! Hi, Ron. There's a stairway, dumb-ass!

Duff Gardens! Home of the Whiplash! To be completed in 1994.

Uh, I'm kinda busy on Saturday. Hey! We got Skinner's underpants! And there's nothing you can do about it, Mr. Ex-principal. That's not true. I can buy a new pair. No, I can't. I needed those. I really did.

Sorry! My fault.

Hey, whatsa matter, you? You crazy kid, you chasing away my business. Buzz off, Guiseppe. Pepe, go for the face! Help! Aah! Yes, Son. You can have an electric guitar...

J Lyoh, dth, dth, dth, dthp J Hah, hah, hah, hah Hah, hah, hah, hahJ f Panting f [Record Scratching f J Who iet her jugs outJ J Lyoh, dth, dth, dthp J Marge iet her jugs outJ J Lyoh, dth, dth, dth, dthp

Think of the property values.

Ah, but only Batman fits in my Batmobile.

I'll take him. Do you have him in blond?

Why that little-- Stupid Bart-toon. Hey, Bart-toon. That's clever. I'm gonna kill him.

- Wanna play stuffed animal parade? - Maybe later.

Wow... chocolate, half-price! La la la-la-la-la-la Mr. Simpson. La-la-la-la-la Mr. Simpson? Huh? Oh, sorry.

No-- I'm having one. Remember what I told you about running away from your troubles? Yeah. Let's do it.

Now for our offertory reading, Lisa Simpson, who we'll all be keeping an eye on. I know most of you have already judged my brother guilty without any proof. But doesn't the Bible teach us "judge not, lest ye be judged," Reverend? I think it may be somewhere towards the back.

Stroke! Stroke!

Ah, heh... That's all the time we have for today. I'd like to thank Sideshow Mel Corporal Punishment, Tina Ballerina and from Knots Landing, Miss Donna Mills.

Ow! Cut it out! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! All right. Here, take the keys.

So? So, lying on the couch and eating stuff isn't the same if you aren't around to see it. Oh, I'll come watch you do nothing after I try out... my new high-intensity halogen headlights. Nobody will ever cut me off again. Ah, please come in!

Excellence. Don't I get some kind of trophy? And a big awards ceremony? It's the first annual montgomery burns award For... Outstanding achievement in...

That's a suggestion, not a threat.

Braves teach values boys should know Now extended drum solo

But sometimes, you've just gotta spoil yourself. Yeah.

- Up and atom! - Up and at them! Better. Hi, Milhouse! Hey, I want you to know... that I'm glad at least one of us got the part. Milhouse! I didn't do it. I wished him well. I wished him well!

It's no use. Shall I send out for some Chinese? No. Those people are all gristle. I want this jar open.

Homer Simpson, for your continuing... and baffling desecration of our beloved sacred parchment, you are hereby banished from the Stonecutters forever. And as a final humiliation, you must walk home naked, dragging behind you the Stone of Shame.

Remember when I giggled at his Sherlock Holmes hat? He sulked for a week and then closed his detective agency. Maybe you'll have to hurt his feelings. The longer he lives like this, the harder it'll be to go back. You're right. Hmm. Maybe if I use my least-nagging tone of voice-- Homer. Mmm.

Where you going with that junk, Dad? I'm gonna be an outsider artist. That way I can turn all these old baseball cards, Disney memorabilia... and antiques into something valuable.

She sure seems taken by this new beau. I feel so bad for Grampa. Dad says this new guy is a repulsive, obnoxious old billionaire. So, let's all be extra nice to him. Hello. Why, it's-- It's, uh-- Oh, it's, uh--

No. I mean, yes. I mean-- Uh-oh. I think I come off very well.

- You little monkey. You're a little monkey, aren't you ? - Yes, sir.

Yeah, hi. I got a special delivery for Homer Simpson. That's me!

What the-- This address must be wrong. No. No, there it is. She lives in a houseboat? Wow! She is so cool! We hate her, Homer. I know. I know. Fight the power.

If you gave Ned Flanders a chance... I don't care if he is the nicest guy in the world. He's a jerk. End of story. We can't hold it against him just because he has things better than we do. Excuse me? Better? Thanks a lot, Marge. You put me in my place. Oh, Homer...

just what I was gonna say. Look at me! I'm acting young!

My Adeline Barney forever! Wiggum never! Barney forever! Wiggum never!

Homer, that was a 20. Da..!

When Krusty wants to, he can still blow 'em away. Yes, he can take a simple, everyday thing like eating a bicycle and make it funny. See you tomorrow, kids! But before I go, I'd just like to say--

If something goes wrong at the plant, blame the guy who can't speak English. Ah, Tibor, how many times have you saved my butt?

First-rate work, Bart. This universe you've created is even more impressive than Martin's milk carton ukulele. Willie, you can throw out the other projects. We have a winner.

You could close down moe's or the kwik-e-mart and nobody would care but the heart and soul

Whoo-hoo! A whole week of just father and son. See you at dinner. - What time? - I don't know. Shall we say... 10:00? All right, just wake me up.

Knock it off, you bald boob! Don't make me come down there! Like to see you Fit. Why, you little...! Put a man on him. I like the other boy. So polite.

And that concludes Genesis, the first of the 66 books of the Bible. Moving on to Exodus--

Hey. What's this? I don't know. Must be something I wrote before Moe fixed me. "Lisa, I'm taking the coward's way out. "But before I do, I just want you to know... being smart made me appreciate how amazing you really are."

Huh? Wait! Wait!

(CHUCKLING) ANNOUNCER: This summer, the house is full and the deuces are wild! In Cards! Hey, Jack, you got any twos? You can't handle the twos!

Hey-hey! Hey-hey! Hey-hey! Hey-hey-- Hey hey-- So hot. So sticky. Marge? I'm back here.

Well, if you ask me, changing the subject... makes you the most worthless, heartless excuse for a human being I ever-- - Read between the lines, you fool ! - Oh ! Oh, I get it ! Okay. Here's 20 bucks. Now will you tell me where my brother lives ? I don't want your-- just take it and tell me ! Detroit. He lives in Detroit.

No, no! You're right! It's a joke! Everyone laugh at the funny joke! Ha-ha! I'll be right back with the real review. Still not clean. Stink of failure still on me. Dad, i'm sorry the editor didn't like your review.

A shiny new dime! A shinier new dime! Excuse me. My refrigeration unit is broken. Could you possibly eat some free ice cream? What flavor? Why, super chocolate, of course.

It's "chowdah." Say it right! "Shah-der." Come back here! I'm not through demeaning you! Wow! This is the biggest Rice Krispy square I've ever seen.

This isn't just some sort of clubhouse. Oh, sorry. Were you drinking Slice or Yoo-hoo? NoW let's see. "Tide. Cheer. "Bold. Biz.

I've been prying them apart since before you were born.

What however? However what? However, I may also be so clouded with rage

his chocolate milk dreams cut short by kidnapping fiends. Mrs. Simpson, is the pain so unbearable you wish your son had never been born? Ooh! What a horrible thing to say to a mother. (CRYING) Perhaps reading this message aloud will comfort you.

Bon voyage, boy. Good-bye, my special-- my special little guy. You will write us, won't you ? All the time. What do you know about France ? I know I'm going, and you're not. I'm gonna miss you, son.

Knock it off. I'm sorry. Knock it off! I's just jammin' with ya.

Now, now, he's an ex-convict. He's paid his debt to society. Then why aren't you using... the good silverware? I'm just not.

Hey, Bart. Son? Here's my way of saying I'm sorry.

Why don't you go find a parade and rain on it? (THUDDING) (YAWNS) Huh? (GROANS) Oh! Sorry about that, pal. Hey, no problem. Accidents happen. (GRUNTS) (GROANS)

Whoa! Wait there! The section now illuminated is the floating point unit, one of my personal favorite units. Oh, I see! Oh. Well. How do you get this thing to play blackjack? Stop that. You're hurting it. So how's it supposed to work?

Come on. They can't all have loved it. "Loved it." "Loved it." "Loved it." "Loved it despite absence of flubber. Glavin"?

Hello, chief. Let's talk. Why not? Uh, hello? Why am I Mr. Sparkle? Oh, you like Mr. Sparkle? Well, I am Mr. Sparkle.

Oh, boy. That was for you, Bleeding Gums.

like at the end of so many Three Stooges shorts.

Yeah, I know I'm on. But I don't care.

I said Simpson.

We'll be right back.

In that family, nobody trusted nobody. They even brought their lawyers to Thanksgiving dinner. So, uh, how's everybody doing? You don't have to answer that. Shut up, all of you, or I'll sue. Oh, save it for your next book, you little snitch.

Well, not with that temper.

I mean, I wish I was going. - Is that right, Bart? - Mm-mmm-mmm. It's not fair! I'm the best student in school.

Samantha, ne pas des boys. I have to go now, Milhouse. I'd better not.

Eh, morning, Apu. Good morning. One doughnut with sprinkles, and--

- Edna. - Marge. Uh-- Oh-- Oh, my name is Agnes, and you know it's Agnes! It means lamb. Lamb of God. I'm sorry, Agnes. Marge.

Ladies and gentlemen, it's Up Late With McBain. i'm your announcer, obergruppenfuehrer Wolfcastle. And here's McBain!

Shouldn't have turned down those cue cards.

violates every sycophantic urge in my body, but I wish you would reconsider. This isn't a rival company you're battling with. It's a school. People won't stand for it. Pish-posh. It will be like taking candy from a baby. Say, that sounds like a "larf." Let's try it right now.

I feel like chicken tonight Like chicken tonight Like chicken tonight It's been great spending time with my family again. I guess the next time I see you won't be until Thanksgiving. Or if not then, Christmas.

I just have one thing to say. Let's have less Homer Simpsons... and more money for public schools. Ben, I have a question. No, Ben, no!

That's gonna show you what trust is all about. Ready? - All right. - Three, two-- One second. Hello? D'oh! Oh, my God! A guy's on the floor! That was a phone call. Don't chalk that up to mistrust.

Ice cream scoop? Damn it, Smithers! This isn't rocket science, it's brain surgery! All right.

Uh-- I'll take it from here, Ralph. Um, we're just hangin', chillin', little bit of illin'.

Watch out for the Shaq attack.

Oh, yeah! Yea! Eat, eat, eat! Eat, eat, eat! Eat, eat! Ahh.

Pretty neat, huh?

Please, hurry. Sure, we could tear this house down-- No, my friends! Stop! Let me finish. We could tear it down, but we'd be tearing down a part of ourselves.

Well, it wasnt easy, honey. But I'm glad you love me again. - Yeah. But whets gonna happen to the animals? - Dont worry, honey. I released them all into the wild. Cletus, if I find pig lipstick on your collar again...

That night came the honeymoon. Eww! She's faking it. The most satisfying part was knowing that they waited. Nine months later Fluffy gave birth to 14 beautiful bunnies. Eight survive.

You know that dream where you're in bed, and they fly in through the window? Ahh.

What is that? This is 85 pounds of tooth-melting sugar. Dig in. (SUCKLING) That's it, kids. Suckle daddy's sugar ball.

Oh, I've never been so proud of them. Ahhh. They're both losers. Losers! Rip-off! We paid for blood! Let's tear this place apart! Good idea!

They had to drink their own tears. I was so bored, I cut the ponytail off the guy sitting in front of us. "Look at me. I'm a grad student. I'm 30 years old, "and I made $600 last year." Bart, don't make fun of grad students. They just made a terrible life choice. Judas-bear, you're not touching your Last Supper.

What's wrong with this phone? It's making crazy noises. Those crazy noises are computer signals. Some guys at M.I.T. are sending us reasons why Captain Picard is better than Captain Kirk. Ha! They're out of their minds.

Mmm! I can feel three kinds of softness. Dad, what are you doing down there? Washin' my "fat guy" hat, honey. We now return to Search for the Sun.

But-- But-- But-- But-- But-- But-- Make him stop! Make him stop!

Lisa! Stay cool, Milly.

Ooh! This robe's pretty soft. Check it out! I finally found a dead guy's clothes that fit me! (ALL SCREAM) What? It's not... (YELLS) My hand! What's happening?

J Oh, yeah, Weird A/ had fan on this showJ J Even if it was just a brief cameo JJ

Eh, just the radio, dear. Dang me, dang me They oughta take a rope and hang me High from the highest tree Woman, would you weep for me

Freddy, honey. I think something just dropped into the backseat. I'm not paying you to talk.

Lousy "Smarch" weather.

I wouldn't be caught dead buying this... Hello. Got your eye on the gas grill, huh? She's a butane beaut. I'll give you 20. Homer, I paid $300 for this just last year. $20. Take it or leave it. Oh, Homer, be reasonable.

Welcome to The Reality Channel. Hi. I'm Mitch Hartwell, creator of The 1895 Challenge. And by creator, I mean I saw it on Dutch television and tweaked the title.

We're home. Aah... whoo!

I guess I'll just go hang myself in the barn.

Now, Bart, just look out the window. It'll take your mind off the pain. And when you're done, I've got more lollies. No, thanks. I already helped myself. See you later, inoculator.

Little Miss Springfield? First, Tony Randall cancels. Now this. Hey, what gives here? This is bogus! Hey! Where do you think you're goin'? We want Miss Springfield! Hey, set me down at that boat show. I'm gonna be riding on a pack of cigarettes? Mm-hmm. We think you're the perfect spokesmodel for Laramies.

I bring you love.

I... hate... you, Walt... freakin'... Whitman! Leaves of Grass my ass! Wait a minute. Maybe it's that other grave. The one that says "Simpson." Oh! Why does my death keep coming back to haunt me? Oh!

We've gotta get to the hospital, Homer! Okay. If the doctor asks why you cut it off, you caught me in bed with four beautiful women. Let's just say that Bart did it. Oh, doodlebugs.

Because you have impeded science, you must now aid science. Yes. Starting tomorrow, you will assist me with my amateur astronomy.

Ahh! Please, Bart. You've gotta use your powers. I'm beggin' ya. Son, I'm afraid that leg is hanging by a thread. Lubchenko must return to game. Oh, your playing days are over, my friend.

Breath... short. Left arm... numb. Can't go on describing symptoms much longer. I think he's had a heart attack.

Isn't it wonderful? I'm head over heels in love! Are you sure you want to do this so fast? Yes. My biological clock is ticking.

Every Simpson, dance now Bump, bump, bump, bump bump, bump I'll go.

Stop that, Mr. Simpson.

And due to the difficulty and relative obscurity of the reference, you deserve an extra point on your exam. Hey, it's only fair.

Got your nose. Got your wallet. No! Bart, don't you ever do that again. Understand? Beep.

It seems the rapacious reptiles have developed a taste for the common pigeon, also known as the feathered rat, or gutterbird. For the first time, citizens need not fear harassment... by flocks of chattering disease-bags.

Whoa, I'm so drunk. I'm gonna puke. You ever get that feelin', beautiful? J; America loves its kings- from George III to Larry.

Class of '74, I was just leafing through your permanent records... when I discovered something shocking. Homer Simpson never passed Remedial Science 1-a, and thus never graduated from high school. I'm sorry, Simpson. I have to take back those awards.

Cable clippers, please. Here you go, Homey. Go for it, Dad ! Dad, I beg you to reconsider. Tractor pulls, Atlanta Braves baseball, Joe Franklin !

CLARK: Wow, the Columbia River!

Homer one, New York nothing! D'oh! Thanks for your patience.

- Quick! Let's get the-- - Going somewhere? That's impossible. How did you get here first? Oh, there'll be plenty of time for explanations later. Right now I'll be taking my puppies back.

Hey, Einstein, put down your reading. - It's lunchtime. - You go ahead. Hey, you don't wanna eat? What you do, get one of them stomach staples? As Tolstoy said in Quotable Notables, "Give me learning, sir, and you may keep your black bread." Who is that bookworm, Smithers? Homer Simpson, sir. Simpson, eh? How very strange.

That's the same time as Krusty the Clown! Uh-oh. That cute little character could take America by storm. All he needs is a hook. I'm a bad widdle boy. ¡Ay carumba!

Huh? Oh, wow! ts so beautiful. I'm not angry anymore. Whoa, I dont need drugs to enjoy this. Just to enhance it. - w'w' f A coustic Guitar] - f Man fw' Starry, starry nights w' Paint your palette blue and gray]

Got that cat right in the leg.

Mama. Mama. Maggie, you talked! Can you say "Mama" again? Sorry, lady. Show's over. Oh, Bart.

I'm scared! Come on, Ned! Move this thing! I can't! It's a Geo! Hmm. I guess he didn't see me.

- How could you shock your little sister ? - My finger slipped. So did mine. Aaaah ! Bart, Lisa, stop that. No, no. Now, wait a minute. Wait ! Wait ! Folks, if I could--

Ah, "Diorama-Rama"-- my favorite school event... next to Hearing Test Thursday.

Look, if you're gonna stay in my room, could you at least stop making up gibberish? Gibberish, eh? Then what's this? Wrinkly gibberish? I got this in the Second World War II. Back then I was known as Sergeant Simpson,

Behind these doors are the finest cops ever to wriggle into size 46 pants. Wiggum? Am I getting warmer? Clancy, you're a disgrace! And in my blind rage,

hallelujah hallelujah hallelujah hallelujah

Homer, you don't have to do anything you don't want to. Well, maybe I want to. But then I think about Marge and the kids. Well, not the boy. He drives me nuts. Sometimes I'd just like to-- Homer,

Wow. My first home run. That's my boy. Come on. Hug me. Cobras! Cobras!

I'm joe Namath. Good night. Scully, you're cut. Uh, Brooks, Groening, Simon, you're all cut. Castellaneta, gone. Kavner, cut. Cartwright, cut. Smith, sorry. Cut.

J Daddy feels rejected J J He's gonna eat some cake JJ Oh, a rattle! - Thank you, Selma. - Yeah, great present, Selma. Nice of you to break a five. Get a neck, Frankenstein. Hey, open my present. Open my present.

(SIGHS) Oh, you stupid son of a...

"Your vehicle is illegally parked... at One World Trade Plaza."

You can call me Ray, or you can call me Jay. Just don't call me washed up. I do three shows a day.

Oh, wait. That's my old phone number. You live in this building? When I'm not on the road or in rehab for my shattered pelvis. I hope you dont mind living below a bunch of pro skaters who like to party. I'll adjust.

I thought I could get it while it was in the recharger. l... was wrong. I dont know how we ever had fun without him. f Male Announcer On TV] We nowreturn to That '30s Show. Hey, Pop, where's the crank on this Victrola?

Lisa Simpson, are you ready to go on a voyage of intellectual self-discovery? I think so. Is that a pie or a quiche? A pie. You may enter.

Hey, Homer, this house sucks. Bart, I told you not to use that word. Call me "Daddy". Homer.

She went to Lovejoy’s "temporary church." She's worried about her immortal soul. He said to his disciples- In your face, Bestway Linen Supply! - Yes! - No mercy! - Roll that rock! Hooh, hooh, hooh, hooh! In these times that test our faith... the Lord will be a-

And the healthy snacks are on their way. You can't take our doughnuts! Yaah! Right. Anyone else want to be a hero? Ooh.

The generous offer I'm making is good for exactly... 30 seconds, Simpson.

I'm dreading the reviews. I can tell you that. Oh, hi, Homie.

One of the most historically significant fruit presses... in this part of the state-- was based on a German design, but modified for the larger American apple.

You know, Homer, you might want to open those cans before they explode. But the cans seal in the flavor. Okay. So, how's the tribe coming along? Any papooses? No. Still no luck. Tell me, Homer.

I've hidden it. To find it, you'll need to decipher a series of clues, each more fiendish-- - Got it. - D'oh!

Bad enough to hit yourself over the head with the phone? Oh! You got it! Ow! Ow! Ooh, blood. What the-- If this is anyone but Steve Allen, you're stealing my bit. Somebody ought to ruin Gabbo's career the way he ruined Krusty's.

Mozart worked hard on his music.

And this little piggy went-- Oh! Look, Marge! Maggie lost her baby legs.

And Maggie's diapers are extra absorbent. (CRYING)

Go, Mom! You can do it! No!

Dad, you cannot wear that! That's a Rastafarian hat! Hey, I been safari-in' since before you were born. Wearing a jamaican hat makes a bold statement about your connection to reggae music. Well, excu-u-uSe me!

Why, thank you, Homie. You might say the extra ingredient is salt.

When Krusty the Clown got canceled-- he tried everything to stay on the air. Here's what you didn't see. If you watch my show, I will send you this book featuring me... in a variety of sexually explicit positions.

When you do bad, I use the red pen. Any questions? Yeah, one: Have you always been a chick? No offense, but you were born a man, weren't you? You can tell me. I'm open-minded. I won't be needing this.

This is one substitute you're not gonna screw with!

his chocolate milk dreams cut short by kidnapping fiends. Mrs. Simpson, is the pain so unbearable you wish your son had never been born?

From the Green Potato Pub at O'Hare International Airport, Michael Finn. From juggernauts in Hollywood, California, Titania. And now, the local lug who fills your mug with the drug you chug--

It hurts! It hurts!

I've been so blind. I'll lavish my attention on Maggie, the forgotten Simpson. Maggie! It's me, Daddy! Daddy's gonna spend a lot more time with you. Yes, he is. Yes, he is!

Mmm. Fifty-dollar pretzels. Hey, what's Baby Huey doin'? Says here they throw salt before they wrestle to purify the ring. Hmm. Spare some salt, tubby? Tubby?

We heard you lost your driving privileges. Well, for your information, I can still drive to the store, but I have to be back in five minutes with these things for the baby. Oh, gentlemen, the new scratch-and-win tickets are out today. I'll take one, Achoo.

I don't want Maggie's face hidden behind that pacifier. Don't worry, Mama. I can put a smile on baby's face. Okay, sugar plum. It's time to meet Mr. Funny Voice. Hello, I'll-- Oh, it's just air.

I suppose I would. What if they shot at a Coke machine? No. TV? No. TV with a picture of the mayor on it? Whatever you do, Mom, we'll be proud of you. Well, thank you, honey. As long as it's constitutional.

Your Honor, I'd like to call all of my surprise witnesses again. Oh, there they are. Oh, they were my favorites. Thank you. I knew I had seen this exact scene somewhere else. It was in the movie Mr. Lampwick showed me.

And Eddie, you're promoted to Lou. Nice. And, uh, who's gonna be Eddie? We don't need an Eddie.

just let me say that it is an honor... to have Springfield's number-one swinger here with us to-- Forget that. I'm teaching my boy a lesson. Is she here or not ? Uh, try Mud City. We're gonna try one more place, the Sapphire Lounge. Bart ! I said look at the floor.

I saw you on the television. I remember you from high school. You barfed in my tuba. I believe it was the school's tuba.

Everything. What's the quickest, easiest way to do something with you? Take us to the video store?

Baby. Baby. Pirate?

This looks good and this one is very, very cute and these... Oh, look, little bow ties! And don't make that face at me. How did you know? Touchdown, Dolphins! All right, Dolphins!

Dad, are you hurt? just my bones... and organs.

Sire, I know what you usually do to the bearer of bad news, but, well, we're running out of pikes to stick your wives' heads onto. I'll show you running out of pikes! Hey, what do you know? You were right. That means a lot.

Yah! Aw. Ah, is that all you got? Huh? Huh?

Hi, honey. It's me, your husband, Ralph. Hey, angel pie. Can you drive me down to the "liberry"? I wanna rent us up some movies. Wesley, get mama's pryin' bar. Easy does it now. Easy. Little more.

Three little maids from school are we Pert as a schoolgirl well can be Filled to the brim with girlish glee, three little girls from school Everything is a source of fun

Go long! Go long! Ah, hell. I'll do it myself. I gotta quit smoking.

Gentlemen, we need to get Lisa Simpson out... and Amber Dempsey back in. But this glorified, crossing-guard-of-a-police chief won't get off his big fat can. Is it okay if I open these potato chips?

Arr! I hate the sea and everything in it. Bye, buh-bye, buh-bye. Thank you for choosing our church. Buh-bye.

I can't do this, Bart. I'm not strong enough. I thought you came here looking for a challenge. Duh! A challenge I could do. It was worth sneaking into town. That was some good corn. Uh-oh.

I'm a tanked-up loser in a helicopter!" Ah, anyway, happy b-day, pumpkin. So, I'm a tanked-up loser? Is that how you see me? Oh, sounds like a certain loser could use some tankin' up.

Thanks, Bart. Samantha and Milhouse sitting in a tree About to lose their privacy

Sir, I demand satisfaction. I challenge you to a duel. Do you accept or are you a coward? I... am a coward!

Hey, boy! Pull, Willie! Pull!

This is the end beautiful friend This is the end My only friend the end

But, Marge, look at this little guy.

Well, I guess this is it, old pal. This is your big day. Water's boiling. Quick. Chuck him in. Uh-- - Come on. Chuck him in. - Okay. Let's go. In the pot. In the pot. But, Marge, look at this little guy.

to all you supergeeks who rocked around the clock to exterminate America's Y2K bugs. Slammin'! Hey, Homer. Weren't you the plant's Y2K compliance officer? Absolutely. Must have been hard debugging all those computers, huh, Homer? Doing what now? You did fix them, right, Dad?

I'll just wait out back until then. I look forward to workin' with ya. Mr. Smithers! Wait! You can't let yourself end up in a place like this. You've got two choices. You can give up on yourself and take the Barney-guarding job-- like so many of us have contemplated in our darkest moments--

Slow down. Excellent. This novelty foam hand is ludicrously oversized.

He sexually harassed me. He stole my fiancÉe. He made fun of my weight. Okay, so there's been a little friction. Know his address? Whoa! This guy's got more bread than a prison meat loaf.

Go! Go! Slow down. Excellent.

- Why don't you sing a song for the nice people? - All right. CamptowN ladies Sing this song doo-dah doo-dah camptown race is five Miles long I was so sure. Hear ye. Hear ye. Everybody makes mistakes. Let's go home. Not so fast, Simpson.

We'll be right back with a special report... on soccer moms who hate soccer. Clear! Oh, Lord. I'm so fat.

I'll bet you want a piece of me. Well, you ain't gonna get it, see? Doggone it.

All right then.

Ow! Another tragedy prevented by gun violence! I guess guns really are the answer. Hear me, people of Springfield!

Huh? Ohh. There was your mother looking like a beautiful mirage. Maybe it was the anthrax in the air. Maybe it was the fact the Arab women weren't bitin'. Whatever it was, it was magic.

All right, Fatty. Out of the pipe!

The whole country is proud of you. Well, it's about time! And on behalf of America, I'd like to-- Ow! All right, Lovejoy! You're gonna get it. Hello? Hello? I command you to answer me! Hello? Al, do you have to do that right now?

I'm sorry. I can't hear you, son. I'm wearing a jacuzzi suit.

Welcome to my home. To answer your first question, yes, we do have pasta.

But, first, we're giving away tickets to the latest film by acclaimed director Mladzieul Klernt. (GASPS) Her films are so lyrical. The phone lines are gonna be jammed. Winner of the Romanian Film Festival's prestigious Golden Bucket... Holy crap! Someone's actually calling!

I'd rather have a Flaming Homer. A what? Oh, I get it.

(MUFFLED) Homer! Homer!

Oh, thank God. The dog's here. Pull me free, boy. Don't be scared. You can do it. Hey! Where you going? I'm your pal. I took you for a walk once.

No, sir. I didn't. Choke on your lies! I'll teach you to-- Homer, they must've made a mistake. We'll just go down to the phone company and straighten it out.

Wait a minute. Listen, you little yellow-bellied rat jackass. If I ever find out who you are, I'll kill ya !

Oh! Friends of the Library is holding an historic manuscript viewing. "Friends of the Library"? Ooh! Ooh!

Bart, would you go start Daddy's car? Homer! What? There's nothing to worry about. Well, then you start it. All right. Fine. I'll take a cab.

This isn't America's Funniest Home Videos. But the ball-- his groin-- It works at so many levels. Roll it again.

Let the initiation begin. All Stonecutters must take the Leap of Faith. If you survive this five-story plunge, your character will be proven. Happy landings!

Looking good, Mrs. S.

in my bosom." "BOsom." Wait. Wait, there's more. I think that's terrible. A man opens his heart and you make fun of him. "Neighbors forever--" Oh, no !

That's weird. The key doesn't fit. Hey, someone's boarded up our windows. Check this out! What's going on? Cooder! What have you done to our house?

- There's your killer! - Well, duh.

No, Mr. Simpson. A cat is a living creature. I don't care.

More, please. Good Lord. This can't be happening. By all medical logic, steam should be shooting out of his ears. His ears if we're lucky!

Fooling these Earth voters is easier than expected. Yes. All they want to hear are bland pleasantries... embellished by an occasional saxophone solo or infant kiss.

Ohh! The power of faith compels you. Heal. Take that, Satan. Praise the Lord.

Oh, I hope I didn't offend you. I need this bad. Bad enough to hit yourself over the head with the phone? Oh! You got it! Ow! Ow! Ooh, blood. What the-- If this is anyone but Steve Allen, you're stealing my bit.

"Number four, legally change name to 'Slime Q. Slimedog.' Number five, wear name tag that says same." I know a great name tag place. They do fabulous work. It's where I got this. So our relationship is over. Is that what you're saying? Yes, I'm afraid so.

My God! That's it! Homer, you must get off that float! The brake line has been cut! Oh, my God! Attention, drunken idiots! This is your king! Sacrifice yourselves to slow me down!

The dog has eaten all its hair. And the fixtures won't stay in one place. I've had this dream before. I never thought I would say this.

"So then the second salesman says, 'That's okay. I just ate all the hot buttered corn.'" You like that one, baby? Sarah, what's wrong? Usually, after two or three "Truly Tasteless jokes," you're all over me. Manjula got to see La BohÈme.

Geez, Homer. I thought someone with two wives would be happy. No. You're thinking of someone with two knives. I gotta tell ya, this is pretty terrific. Yeah!

We never met. I've just received some rather unusual news... regarding your unprecedented A-triple-plus. To be honest, I'm surprised and saddened-- N-No. Not "saddened." What's the word? Ah, yes. "Delighted."

Son of a diddly! Hey, hey! Hey, hey! Hey, hey!

Would you like to buy some Itchy and Scratchy money? What's that? It's money that's made just for the park. It works just like regular money, but it's, uh, fun. Do it, Dad. Well, okay. If it's fun. Let's see, uh, I'll take $1,100 worth.

See ya, kids. Me and my Val-U-Qual book are gonna paint the town red... with savings!

Reverend, thanks for turning the church into a "he-without-sineplex." What the... Oh, I get it. (PROJECTOR WHIRRING) Boys, I just talked to God. He's vacuuming heaven to get it ready for when dead people show up. And he'd like you both to render a sacrifice.

Now you're on the trolley. Well, we gotta get. Here's the money box. Any questions?

Ha. Freeze, dude. Move a muscle and I'll blow this wino's head off. I'm behind three inches of bulletproof glass. Do your worst. All right.

Well, do you understand? Everything except "capeesh."

Aah ! Our event is set to commence. In but a few scant minutes, the anticipated-- Are you Homer Simpson ? Yeah. Word on the street is that you have an illegal cable hookup. No ! No ! I-- It wasn't me. It was my wife's idea ! Yeah ! Yeah !

They're just snowmen, Mr. Burns. Ah, snowmen have peepers. Peepers to watch-- to watch for a moment of weakness. And then, baf, comes the knock on the head, and we're down! - What do we do? - Oh, wouldn't you like to know? Hey, what is going on here? Who are you people?

I glued my head to my shoulder.

- Mr. Burns, are you ready ? - Yes. Are you set ? Yes. Go, Mr. Burns.

Shut up, or I'll pound all of ya! That was fun! We have to get out more often. I heard about a new bar where men dance with men. Doesn't that sound adorable? Well, sure, if it's true. Is that Lisa?

Now I can get back to my normal dreams-- me and Krusty winning the Super Bowl. Bart, there's two seconds left. Listen up. It's your basic Statue of Liberty play with one twist. You throw it to me. Knute Rockne called it "the forward pass." Now, the clock's still running, so it's important we start this play as quickly as possible.

I also enjoy sex. Since this morning, I've had sex with a New York Knick, two subway cops and a guy who works on Wall Street. Broker? Nah, she's just really sore. This is so like our lives. Yeah. It's like they hid a camera in our apartment.

My God! Everyone's gone!

Dad? Are you in here? How did she find us? Oh, Lisa has excellent hearing. Once when she was three, I was quietly sobbing in the closet, and she found me. Oh, Dad, you do remember something about me. Perhaps you also remember this laser Bart gave me earlier.

Jamie Killday, farm supply critic. just got back from the gopher poison show in Paris. Let me tell you something-- the days of clubbing them with a baseball bat are over! For you, perhaps. Listen, we've been meaning to have a talk with you about your reviews. Everything's a rave. "Nine thumbs up"? What the hell is that?

I thought there was a monster in the potty. Let's go! (GRUNTS) I think we've lost them. They weren't following us. Then why did I drive through that barn? Oh! Why did you guys have to take me away?

- Aren't you outraged? - No. But if you're gonna throw a spaz, I'll come with. Good. Saddle up the bikes.

Good night. - Oh, Homie. Didn't that hurt? - No.

I'm sorry. I can't hear you, son. I'm wearing a jacuzzi suit. I just missed out...

Well, go ahead. Do your worst.

Practice ball. Practice ball. Real, real, real, real, real! Whoo-hoo!

Oooh ! Boogie-boogie boogie-boogie-boogie ! Hey, knock that off, or I'll stick this bat where the sun don't shine. Oh, yeah ? And where might that be ? Oh.

Can't someone else do it? "Can't someone else do it?" That's perfect.

Mom, no! Mom! You never know--

I'm only going to ask you one last time. Are you sure you won't come with us to church? Coming up next: make your own ladder. Very sure.

Nooo! You've been safety inspector for two years.

Very good. Two: The revolver wasn't invented until 1835. That's excellent. Three: You seem to be of the jewish faith. Are you sure I'm jewish ? Or Italian. I'm jewish. And there weren't any jewish cowboys. Very good. That's excellent. And I'm also wearing a digital watch, but I'll accept that. Here you go, little lady. And for the record, there were a few jewish cowboys--

You have to if you want to be an architect. Or an environmental lawyer. Or Regional Sales Coordinator for the third largest distributor... of bunk and trundle beds. Oh! Did you hear that, Lisa? So all the Simpson women turn out okay. That's right, sweetie.

Your own billboard! Check it out! Gee, that picture makes your butt look big. I thought so too, but they said it sells.

Now you can't mix milk and meat. You got that? And on Christmas Day, you must eat Chinese food, and pork is strictly forbidden! Oh-oh! All these rules! I feel like I'm in a strip club!

Hey, look at me. I'm Elvis, man!

Captain What's-his-name? We live in a society of laws!

Are those naughty dogs back again ? You have 20 minutes, class.

I feel I should give back to society and do some charitable work... but first I want to take a lot of opium. Uh, if you say so, sir.

Now, the cat needs his medication every morning-- No problem. Can do. - and the furnace has been giving off-- - Right. Gotcha. a lot of carbon monoxide, so keep the window open. Cat in the furnace. Uh, you know, I think I'll take Maggie with us.

Taste for yourself, Troy. Mm-mm-mmm! That can't be good for me. It tastes too good. That's where you're wrong. This whole pot is only 14 calories. Oh, Gregory... where have you been all my life?

Psst! The best meat's in the rump. Here you go. What the hell is this? Nice, healthy oatmeal. Ooh, oatmeal. What a delightful treat. Oh, there's a bug in it.

It was then I knew the only option was to separate you two immediately. You'll both need to sign these.

Not in front of my son. Please! You're somebody's father? Yes, okay? Oh, boy. Well, I'm glad to be back. Those Cap City kids don't think I'm cool anymore. We were having a sleepover and a robber came and wet my bed. Then he folded the bed back into the couch and disappeared into the night.

I'll get you for this, Midler! And off to your left is Hugh Hefner's Shelbyville pad. A lot of people know about the grotto and the game room. Of course. But few know about the laboratory, the biosphere, the alternative energy research center.

(SINGING DRUNKENLY) Oh, you poor man. You think you can dance.

Whoa! Useful, dude! Very handy!

Jury duty! Oh! Today I am truly an American citizen.

BART: Then the man... (KIDS SCREAM) BART AND MILLHOUSE: Then the woman... (KIDS SCREAM) (KIDS SCREAMING) (SCREAMING) Well, it's better they hear it from me now than from their parents when they're old enough.

Relax, Simpson. I just brought you in here for a friendly hello. And good-bye! You're fired! But wait. Perhaps I'm being too hasty. You are highly skilled...

But doesn't the Bible also say "Thou shalt not take... moochers into thy... hut"? Please, Dad? If you let Otto stay he'll help around the house and chip in a few bucks. All right, he can stay but I get to treat him like garbage. Wow, what's the catch? The can of corn costs... 57¢!

Oh, I like it like that, baby Groove me, baby hey Groove me, darling come on, come on i need you to sock it to me, mama come on and-a

Dad, you gotta let me see that movie. Can't you just give me a spanking? Come on. Go nuts. Don't point that thing at me. I said you're not going to the movie, and I'm sticking to it.

Oh, I hope no one's drawing this! Ow!

What a revoltin' development. You brave little soldier.

Hmm, Krusty Hotline. Hi, kids! You've reached the Krusty Hotline. If you haven't asked your parents' permission-- naughty, naughty but Krusty forgives you. Two dollars for the first minute 50 cents for each additional minute.

The lottery-- exploiter of the poor and ignorant. You know, I heard the jackpot's up to $130 million. $130 million? Did you say $130 million? Yeah. Wow!

You'll never want to roam From Capital City My home, sweet swingin' home

Help! I got- Well, someone’s tucked in to an insane degree. Good night. Hey, give me some ofthose blankets. What’s this? ts enormous! Oh, my God. There's another one!

It ran out of gas. Oh. So, Bart-- Question.

All right, you scrawny bean poles. Becoming a cop is not something that happens overnight. It takes one solid weekend of training to get that badge. Forget about the badge! When do we get the freakin' guns! Hey, I told you. You don't get your gun until you tell me your name.

We welcome you to the neighborhood sing fa-la-la-la-la la-la-la, la-la-la fa-la-la-la-la la-la

Never give them an opening.

Smithers, to the laboratory.

And South American sensation, Shooshisha-- Shooshashi-- Shoosh-- Oh, boy! Uhh!

Well, I think we all learned a lesson today. Don't try to be something you're not, namely food. Chief, now I can't see either one. Well, we're all pretty tired. Let's try a different one. Which figure is bigger? The answer will knock your socks off!

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! I bought this popcorn fair and square.

You haven't seen Itchy & Scratchy till you've seen it on DVD. The Itchy & Scratchy Show

Should I call them off, sir?

Well, I'm convinced. The house stays. This house is A very, very, very fine house. Here I come, everybody!

No talkin'! No new crap! "Takin' Care of Business" now!

Sir, you could improve your image with various good deeds. Don't I already give out turkey slices to the poor? You eliminated that program in the '30s, sir. They were getting too grabby! Oh, all right. I know how to change the way the public thinks of me. I'll buy every media outlet in town!

Marge dear, would you kindly pass me a doughnut? Doughnut? What's a doughnut?

your family tied up in the basement with socks in their mouths! You try to open the door, but there's too much blood on the knob-- What is your, uh, question? My question's about the budget, sir.

And now, the coup de grÂce-- a bitter snowstorm.

If they hire a woman, we won't be able to spit on the floor. And we can't take off our pants when it gets real hot. And we won't be able to pee in the drinking fountain.

- (SCREAMS) - (BARKS) (SCREAMS) Be careful! (SCREECHING) (SCREAMS) (GRUNTS)

Well, it won't bring much cash, but its sentimental value's through the roof.

So, Bart, how are you feeling?

Hang on. I've got call waiting. Hello? Hey, it's me. I got Marge on the other line, and she is totally bumming me out.

Of all the days for you to get a zit.

Hmm. Look, Son. Edison was just like me. You mean the wild mood swings? No! We both lived in another man's shadow.

All right, we'll be right back. And don't try anything because Johanssen there is a snitch.

Wow! You mean, you were one of the original Little Rascals? Yeah. Which one were you? The ugly one? Were you the ugly one? No, I was the tough kid. Smelly. My shtick was lookin' into an exhaust pipe and gettin' a face full of soot. Nobody could do that better than me. Of course, it was kinda hard to think of reasons...

I'm tired of being drugged and gassed.

And your threats against teamsters and techies, and such Your management style is like Attila the Hun

Boy, those pies look good! Open your gullet, you human blob. Well, what do you think? What do I think of the pie? What do I think of the pie?

- Ow. - Hee-hee-hee. - Ow. - Hee-hee-hee.

Nah, it's too early. I need to work under cover of darkness.

Sorry. It's against our policy. I'll policy you, you-- Hey, don't have a heart attack, old dude. Don't you tell me what to do, you young... whipper... snapper.

I have nothing he wants! And Harry Potter and all his wizard friends... - went straight to hell for practicing witchcraft. - Yea! What the diddlio? Give me back my thumb!

Aw, that's my girl.

Hey! What the hell-- No, no, no! Out! - Damn it, I wasn't swearing! - Out right now! Out!

Yeah. I book a lot of package tours to Dollywood and EuroDollywood. That's in Alabama. Wally Kogen! What are you doing in Super Bowl jail? Ask her if she'll go out with me. We had a little ticket snafu. Do you think you can bust old Wally and his pals outta the pokey? Well, I do have some of my extra-strength makeup remover.

It's A desperate criminal on the run from the law please spare my children and their damp-trousered pa

Look, we know you bought the tombstone. We know the fugitive visited that tombstone. Whose tombstone was it? just lift up your coffee cups and see. Good lord! Put out an A.P.B.... on a Uosdwis R. Dewoh.

Wow! Now I have the energy to do anything!

We used to live and farm in a bountiful valley. Then the river was dammed to make that lake... by our ancient enemy, the beaver. Why don't you just chase the beavers away? Unfortunately, the beaver is also our god. In retrospect, it was a poor choice.

Maybe we can have this band play at our wedding. l was kind of hoping we could use this audio cassette. Seymour, weve got to have a band. Fine. But no cake. Sarah, you’re as lovely as the day I first arrested you. Oh, Clancy. You know, I planted that crystal meth just to meet you.

Hmm. Maybe if I use my least-nagging tone of voice-- Homer. Mmm. Homer! Homer? That's it. That's the one. All right. Send him on in.

It's old lady Simpson! Run! What's going on? Uh, I'll tell you what's going on. I'm taking you all out for pancakes.

And he's just jamming till Wynton shows up? (GASPS) Oh... Um... Some other time maybe. Today I'm just hanging out at home. (DOORBELL RINGS) Hey, Bart. I "borrowed" my uncle's pellet gun.

How else could he have gotten this? Sprungfeld must have taken it with him when he ran off after the fight.

Let your people go? I've never heard such insolence! You call yourselves slaves? Well, the ball's in his court now.

The script originally called for me to jump the gorge. But I'd been up all night paying people to kiss, so Dad volunteered to do the stunt. Everything was going great at first. I felt like I was king of the world. I'm king of the world! Whoo-hoo! Whoo-hoo! Right about here I realize something's wrong. Yep. There I go.

$20. Take it or leave it. Oh, Homer, be reasonable. Sorry, no cash for Neddy.

Hey! Let me out of here! Let me out, please! We'll give you gold.

Maude, these new finger razors make hedge trimming as much fun as sitting through church. You're going to be my murder victim, Bart, in our school production of Lizzie Borden. Starring Martin Prince as Lizzie.

You really made that envelope? 'Cause it says "Hammermill" over here. Um, no. Shh! English - US - Line 21

All you destroyed were bricks, mortar and attorneys. Remember me as a drain on society.

Oh, good Lord! What a week!

I know just how you feel. Isolated, alone, cut off from everyone. Are you kidding? This little baby has made me more popular than ever.

When I'm done with you, they'll have to do a "compost-mortem!" Sinky sand!

Mmm. Mmm! Hey! Hey! Hey! I have asked you nicely not to mangle my merchandise. You leave me no choice but to ask you nicely again.

Wait a minute. You've got a medium, and I've got a message. Maybe God brought us together for a reason. Yeah. You help me and I, in turn, am helped by you. ANNOUNCER: And so, ladies and gentlemen, we have come to the start of Super Bowl X-X-X-I-X.

We are a town of lowbrows, no brows and ignorami. We have eight malls, but no symphony. Thirty-two bars, but no alternative theater. Thirteen stores that begin with "Le Sex."

You're usually so mired in sleaze... it must be an effort to come down to the studio. May I say something? Certainly, Congressman. He hasn't won yet! You make a very adulterous point.

Oh, this coffee's too hot! Hey, kids, wanna drive through that cactus patch? Yeah! Yeah! No! Whoop, two against one.

Run, Marge! Save the booty! After him! He has the de Milo! Hey!

That's right. I want the 25-foot Italian party sub. And don't skimp on the vinegar. It's time Lisa learned what babysitting Bart Simpson is all about. Yes, I'd like to host an A.A. meeting. Tonight, if possible.

Stop it! Breathe through your damn mouth! Oh! Oh, can't you see this man isn't a hero? He's annoying. He's very, very annoying!

And that talkin' coyote was really just a talkin' dog. Hi, Homer. Find your soul mate. Hey. Wait a minute! There's no such thing as a talkin' dog. Damn straight. So then I says to Mabel. I says-- Hi, kids.

MARGE: Maggie! HOMER: Come on, Maggie! Come on! BART: The red button! ALL: Hit the red button! Hit the red button! HOMER: Hit the red button! (ALL EXCLAIMING) HOMER: Ew! Maggie, press the red button! I know, we'll use reverse psychology.

So many restaurants. Oh, I can't decide! I throw myself on the mercy of the food court! Um, I guess I'll have the chicken tandoori. And I'll have the beef Wellington.

If only I were in Springfield, all my friends would be cheering me on. Oh, God, I'm delirious. Drop! Drop! Drop!

Nah. We're just hanging out. Come on. Free pickled eggs. All right! Yeah! Hello, St. Louis! That's Springfield, Steven. Oh, yeah. Right. Are you ready to rock? Yeah! I said, are you ready to rock! Yeah!

In fact, to pay for the construction... and operation and demolition of our new derrick, the school will have to eliminate all nonessential programs: music-- What? and maintenance. I'll kill that Mr. Burns! And wound that Mr. Smithers. Out of my way!

was meant to be one fine day you're gonna want me For your girl I was looking for those. Thanks, doll.

Sorry to break character, but these stunt pants are gettin' pretty toasty! Roll, Neddie! Roll! It's not workin'! It just spreads the flame! Get the fire hose. Get the fire hose! What's it doing in the gymnasium? Yee-haw!

Ya hear that? The whales are hungry. Homer, join us. Thank you.

Okay. Freeze there. So what does this cartoon "mean"? It shows how the depletion of our natural resources... has pitted our small farmers against each other. Yes. And birds go tweet. What else? Hey, Mister! Put the cartoon back on!

(MELLOW MUSIC PLAYING) (PLAYING SCOTTISH TUNE) I think Skinner might make a run for it. He's eyeing the exits and doing calf stretches. Don't worry. I got a man on the perimeter. BART: Cowabunga One to Fat Load.

Stop! Those candidates are phonies! You heard me. They're alien replicons from beyond the moon! Yeah, right, pal. Don't forget your stinkin' flag.

Children, I'm sorry to say one of your lunches exploded. Who has the Little Bunny FooFoo lunchbox?

What am I doing wrong, Little Vicki?

Her legend will live forever. Yeah. The legend of the dog-faced woman. Legend of the dog-faced woman. - Oh, that's good! - Homer! That's very rude of you. What? D'oh!

You and your children and your children's children. For three months.

And I don't think George Washington will ever be the same. We found this one swimming naked in the Fermentarium.

The unsold copies of Dad's autobiography.

Hmm. Ow! Pointy. Eww! Slimy. Uh-oh! Moving. Aha! Aw. Twenty dollars. I wanted a peanut. Twenty dollars can buy many peanuts. Explain how. Money can be exchanged for goods and services.

I just want you to know, if you ever feel stressed out from studying or whatever, I'm always up for some Hacky Sack. Or if you just want to come by and jam, I used to be the bass player for the Pretenders. Boy, I can't wait to take some of the starch out of that stuffed shirt.

Hmm. Really makes you think.

But I did a bad thing. I lost your violin in a poker game. You what? But don't worry! I got you an even better one! This is a ukulele. Yeah, the thinking man's violin. Check it out. I want to go back to my little grass shack in Kealakekua, Hawaii I want my violin.

I don't even want to look at you right now.

"The only way to survive a deadly blaze is--" Oh, heck! Life's too short for fire safety. Let's go outside and pick wildflowers.

Even this menu is made of meat. It's an entire chicken pounded flat. How clever. The kids' menu is on the beak.

Well, there he is. Michelangelo's Dave. - Mmm, David. - Oh.

You again! Well, that's it. I'm going to do what I should have done a long time ago.

Truckasaurus ! I have an announcement to make. As a family growth thing, Bart and I think...

That's what my heart's doing all the time. Bet your left arm's tingling too, huh? Dad, are you all right? I'm enjoying my life too much to care, and you should be too. So what would you like to do right now more than anything in the world? See the Isis exhibit! But the museum's closed.

Boring! That didn't explain anything.

What are you doin'? Don't do that!

Well, there's one thing no one can take away, my childlike imagination. Sergeant Activity, your mission is to scale the icy walls of Mount Bloodkill. Must defeat Doctor Blizzard and the Avalanchoids. (GRUNTS)

How's the ice cream, kids? BOTH: Great!

Mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm. I really did it once. Yes, yes. I just wish you had the power to leave my store.

Aw, gee. The man's just trying to show his wife he cares for her. How can we sabotage his labor of love? I don't know. Gasoline, axes. I got some stuff in the trunk. - Hey, there he goes! - Let's roll! Uh, Homer, you're driving. Not yet I'm not!

She was right to do it. Excuse me. Bart's a little upset this morning, so could everyone please be extra-nice to him? Hey, where's your diaper, baby? Thank goodness he's drawn attention away from my shirt.

I've seen The itchy and Scratchy Movie 13 times. I've seen it 17 times.

I hope we didn't get Apu in too much trouble. Oh, they're newlyweds. They'll just talk things out and top it off with some lovin'. Oh, dear. Hmm! Either put that book down, or let me drive!

How the hell do you know? I can't tell you who I am, but I worked on the campaign. Hey, Mr. Smithers! Well, you might as well give me a ride home now.

Ew! Oh, it's so cozy. You're insincere. I like that. Can I top you off, hon? No, thanks. More hash browns, sugar?

the amusement park of the future, where nothing can "possibli" go wrong. Uh, "possibly" go wrong. That's the first thing that's ever gone wrong.

Your buddy Homer'll get you back on your feet. Well, I ain't seen my baby Since i don't know when I've been drinkin' Bourbon whiskey Moe, another beer down here. Comin' right up!

All right, Homer. We want you to re-create your every move the night you saw this alien. Well, the evening began at the gentlemen's club... where we were discussing Wittgenstein over a game of backgammon. Mr. Simpson, it's a felony to lie to the F.B.I.

Free Duff? Viva life! Mm. Uhh--

Open your mouth and close your eyes, and you will get a big surprise. Ahh ! Thanks, Lis. You're the best. Look, janey. Cupcakes. Ah, give me that !

(EXCLAIMS IN DISAPPOINTMENT) I liked Doug.

Well, he's the best friend I ever had. We faked the whole thing. I should've known. You're the only one stupid enough to kidnap you. Now, get down here so I can spank you in front of this gawking rabble. Smithers, take off my belt. With pleasure, sir. Hold on, Mr. Burns. Maybe we did fake a kidnapping.

Screw the honor system. My car needs me. Hey, you're ruinin' it for the rest of us! Stop! That's my car! Hey, that smells like regular. She needs premium, dude!

Those stars and stripes Those crazy stripes Let's end together Yea! You'll have to do a lot better than that.

All right, I'm in charge here. Oh, run along, Quimby. I think they're dedicating a phone booth somewhere. Watch it, you talking tub of donut batter.

They practically live in their own filth.

Free water. There must be something else. Think, Marge, think. Culture... Vulture... Birds of prey... Pray in a church... The Father, Son and Holy Ghost... Ghosts are scary... Scary rhymes with Gehry! That's it! Architect Frank Gehry!

Put out an A.P.B.... on a Uosdwis R. Dewoh. Uh, better start with Greek town. That's Homer J. Simpson, Chief. You're reading it upside down. Uh, cancel that A.P.B.

- But? - Well, I wasn't the one who solved the problem, and neither was Lisa. There's something unsettling about that.

Duff Gardens! Home of the Whiplash! To be completed in 1994. And the Washing Machine! Wow!

(ALL SCREAM) What? It's not... (YELLS) My hand! What's happening? Dad, you've become the new Grim Reaper. No way! Forget it! I might occasionally kill out of anger or to illustrate a point. But I am not a Grim Reaper!

Hmm. Homer, what did you do, get a haircut or something? Look closer, Lenny. Oh, you're the biggest man in the world now and you're covered in gold. 14-karat gold.

Oh, you must be sick. Let's see. What's old Doc Washburn prescribe? Do you have dropsy? The grippe? Scrofula? The vapors? jungle rot? Dandy fever? Poor man's gout? Housemaid's knee? Climatic poopow? The staggers? Dum-dum fever?

Thank you for coming.

This isn't just some sort of clubhouse. Oh, sorry. Were you drinking Slice or Yoo-hoo? NoW let's see. "Tide. Cheer.

Whoa-oa-oa! undefined G -Huh? The bus! Okay, children, before we leave... is anyone missing their buddy?

- I want a job. - You've got it. Ooh, ooh. Ow! I quit.

I shouldn't have this Bar Association logo here either.

All right. I'll get you the materials.

That can't be true, honey. If it were, I'd be terrified.

What happened to Mom? I'm right here! No! No! Get off of me! Folks, this is not part of the act. Please help her. No! Get 'em off me! Get 'em off! Get 'em off! Cool gift shop. "Ages eight to 80."

Gee, everyone looks so happy. Indeed, Marge. And, uh, now that I think of it, I wildly exceeded my authority, and I declare the sugar ban over.

Mmm. Say, sport. Mind if I have the next dance? What the-- Don't sneak up on a-- Are you-- No need for the blown gasket, Charlie. I'll have her back in one piece.

Family guy! Well, well, well, if it isn't Punch 'n' Juvie.

- and he filled our hearts - with love Welcome back.

I can't see, you idiot! Take your hands off my eyes!

(CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY) LISA: Listen, people. How can you stand there eating snacks and being children when the world's glaciers are vanishing? We have to do something about it. Glaciers are nature's alarm clock, and it's time for us to wake up.

Oh, this is horrible. My spit takes all have blood in 'em!

Okay, Abe. Here are your fake Canadian health cards. Take them to any pharmacy, and you'll get enough drugs to make Regina look like Saskatoon. (LAUGHING) That's a good one, Johnny.

for Mayor Terwilliger's victory speech.

Oh, no! My baby's up there! It's okay, Mom. I have a safety line. This is your fault, with your nonthreatening, Bobby Sherman-style good looks.

Hmm? (PSYCHADELIC MUSIC PLAYING) Cool, but I'll never pass with this. I better switch samples.

Thanks to the latest budget cuts, I'm down to using Grade "F" meat. Wouldn't it be wonderful if there was some sort of common solution to both our problems? That would be great. Hey, Bart. Watch this. Oh, no! My favorite outfit! Jimbo, this is by far the worst--

Come on, Bart. Ride me.

Wow! Hotdogs are awesome! You've never had one before? No. But I saw some in a catalog once. People in sweaters were eating them at a picnic. (SLURPS)

Whoo-hoo! You bought a car without consulting me? I don't recall being consulted when you bought that hat. I found this hat. Then what are you complaining about? You got yours. Mm, mm, mm.

Go to your room, Lisa!

Use your phony guns as clubs!

Ooh, the shop kids are smoking again.

The father of the family has worked all day... to find this food for his children. Unable to fend for themselves, the baby bald eaglets... are dependent on their mother regurgitating the food which she has found. Hey !

It's so typical of the big doofus to spoil it all.

Who should appear but the unrequited love of my college years-- Mimsie Bankcroft. Of course by then, Mimsie had her share of wrinkles... and a gray hair or two, but my adoring eyes saw past those minor imperfections, to her 21-year-old daughter, lily. I took lily to the local "cinematorium,"

Yeah, that's his problem. He's a nut. It's not about me being lazy. It's about him being a crazy nut.

I couldn't tell you how many hours. It was a labor of love. It's my homage to some American heroes... who may not have fought in any wars, but who nevertheless--

What really matters is my title. I think I'll make myself... vice president. No, wait. Junior vice president.

Who knows what horrible things he's doing to those innocent little puppies?

My home, sweet swingin' home

Okay, I'm not gonna win Father of the Year. In fact, I'm probably the last guy in the world who should have kids. UH-- W-w-Well, wait-- Wait. Can I start again?

I told you my memory is fuzzy. Fuzzy! Fuzzy like Willie's beard? Yes! Exactly! No, no. I mean the whole incident is hazy. Hazy like the moors of Scotland? Yes, exactly!

Looks like Daddy won. But 295 is awfully good for a baby. Yes, it is. It's very good. And you're a good little baby. Yes, you are!

Apu? Never heard of him. My name is Steve Barnes. (JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING) So, when do they start singing? Well, the Playdude Advisor says this music will get a stewardess to give you a layover. I hope it's in Omaha. My grammy lives there.

And that's why I gotta drop da bomb Party Posse!

What was that? It sounded like a silo tipping over. Look! The snow's melting! With a little help from our friend, sodium chloride!

Wow! I can't believe we met Mr. Bean!

Mop and bucket man to the exit of the Nauseator. We have another jumper on the roof of T.G.I. McScratchy's. We need more Bort licence plates in the gift shop. I repeat. We are sold out of Bort licence plates.

D'egh! G'yah! D'oh! You're a travesty of a f-- joke of an assistant!

Uh-- It's a joke! When you give me that look, it's a joke. I'll have some more salad. This is Kent Brockman with a special live report... from the headquarters of Krusty opponent, John Armstrong. How can I prove we're live? Penis. Now here's the candidate.

I did not do it, I tell ya! Uh-oh. At least, let me comb me hair. It's all wild and bushy. What do you care, Loner.

I could buy a brand-new Studebaker with a fan on the dashboard. I could buy my way into high-- society. Well, I don't feel right about it, but I could use a nest egg for retirement. I'd hate to wind up in one of them old folks' homes. Then it's agreed. Of course, we can't sell the paintings now. We'd be caught.

He's a liar. The circumference of the well is 34 inches.

Ow! It slipped. It's gonna be a long night.

And by the way, I'd like to say applause, applause to birthday boy Milhouse for his totally bitchin' party on Saturday! Milhouse, I think I left my pants on your roof. You did have a party. You didn't invite me. And I thought we were best friends.

An ancient Indian what ? Mr. Plott, Homer Simpson here.

I think it distracts people from more important social issues. My God, are you always on? (SCREAMING)

and my butt smells and I like to kiss my own butt. That's a new one! Wait a minute. One more time.

Bart, go easy on me. I'm your dad. I am going easy on you, but you're so old and slow... and weak and pathetic. No ! Bart, no !

Governance! We have some new rules and regulations... that you're gonna just go ape poopy over. Professor Frink. Well, first of all, we're going to ban such barbaric sports as bullfighting and cockfighting. Also, boxing, both kick and the kind with the gloves.

Yes, he is. Yes, he is! Where's Maggie? Where's Maggie?

Yea! Ho, ho, ho! Merry everyone! Ahoy hoy, St. Nick. "Pranksgiving?" Uh-oh. Prepare to be boarded.

Oh, why do they have to put all this crud in my newspaper? "World." "The Arts." "Religion." Aha. Here it is. "kickin' Back!" Hey! Who cut something out of my paper? Not me. Not me. I'm more of a mail tamperer.

Ah, this will teach that stupid chair. Ahh! I'm on fire! Oh, I hope no one's drawing this! Ow!

Huh? I'll regroup at Red Lobster. Die, you--

Oh, Edna, you're certainly looking lovely tonight. Is that a new green sweater? Hmm! Until you're willing to file jointly, back of the line, Seymour!

Now, everyone, while I'm filming, please be yourselves. I want to see troubled children brooding... bullies doling out what for. What about us cool kids? Should wejust chill out? You’re doing great. Stay with the dink. America is supposed to be a democracy.

And this is her hair. Eww! And these are her brains. Eww! Yo, Mom. We haven't got the eyeballs yet. Homer, you're ruining it. Yeah, well, it was an evil game.

You're a good luck kitty. All right, old Gil's gonna collect big from insurance. I'll be eating food tonight. (HUMMING) (EXPLOSION) I'm keeping you. You're Snowball V. But to save money on a new dish,

If I had spent my life listening to dismal Doras like you, I wouldn't be worth $200 million today. But according to your most recent biography you only have $100 million today. I, uh-- I--

Answer it. Y'ello. It's for you. Mr. Burns-- 48 rings. Are you all right? What did Simpson do to you? Do? Nothing other than drive me to distraction with his incompetent boobery. Terrible at everything. A complete moron. But I'm not really free to talk right now.

Look who's here! Ooh, who's a good boy? He's the best boy! Oh, yes, he is! Yes, he is! Hey, Marge, wasn't that great when the dog came in here?

There he is. Let's give him a make-over. Run for it, boy! Get him! Get him! Get him!

Cecil is a girl's name. Oh! Welcome to "M"! Huh? So, what do you think of the new joint? This place looks like it's from the not-too-distant future.

It says here we're Ratt. Oh, right. Sorry. Man alive! What a stinko thousand years. Blimp wrecks. Teenagers. Then again, we had two TV shows with Andy Griffith. And 11 with Robert Urich.

Oh, what don't you have in that belt? Patience for harlequined hoodlums like yourself. Truer words were never spoken, Crusader. Manjula, remember when Apu cheated on you? Yes, thank you. I'm worried Homer might do the same thing.

Well, okay... but you have to swear you're coming back. I swear. All right, then.

Oh, I am so sick of hearing about Lisa!

There's only one beer left, and it's Bart's. Hey, boy, how's the microphone working? Fine. Bart! I would love to get a present like that. Here you go. Enjoy. D'oh!

just walk me to my car. Bye, Carl. I'm gonna miss you. Bye, Mr. Simpson. Oh, Mr. Simpson, did you bring an umbrella today ? - Doh ! No. - Here.

Achtungl Oh! Huh? Oh!

Lord, help me. I'm just not that bright. Oh, Homer, don't say that. The way I see it, if you raise three children... who can knock out and hogtie a perfect stranger, you must be doing something right. Yeah.

Hey, everybody! Let's all turn our desks backwards before Mrs. Krabappel shows up. Yeah! That's a great idea! Huh?

When will they stop? Come nightfall. How about we take a family walk around the block? Yay! I want to amble. I want to saunter. Amble. Saunter. - Amble. - Saunter. Stop saying things! Honey, you seem frazzled. Why don't you come with us? Hey, I'd like that.

Daddy. Da-- Da-- Da-- - Yes? - Domer. Why, you little-- Aah!

Hey, Bart, do you have a best friend yet? 'Cause I've been looking for someone to boss me around.

And I love Christmas so much. D'oh ! All right, children, let me have those letters. I'll send them to Santa's workshop at the North Pole. Oh, please. There's only one fat guy that brings us presents, and his name ain't Santa. Uh-- A pony ?

Well, I'm only here because I got blamed for a prank I didn't do! Mmm-hmm. Call me crazy, but I believe you. You do? Of course I do. You know, lots of church types started off as rotten wee buggers. St. Augustine himself got his start stealing pears. Stealing pairs of what? Hubcaps, Reeboks, human eyes? It's all in here. See for yourself.

Let's have an awed hush, please, for Mr. Burns. Compadres, it is imperative that we crush the freedom fighters... before the start of the rainy season. And remember, a shiny new donkey... for whoever brings me the head of Colonel Montoya. Hmm? What? Oh.

is more suited to, say, a possum than a human being? Who would say such a thing? Well, pundits, wags. I'm not the one on trial here. No one is on trial. This is a joyous occasion for all. And the outpouring of support has been so lucrative.

Someday, I want to be an F-14 pilot like my hero, Tom. He lent me this new weapon called a neural disrupter. Hey-- He's not dead, is he, Bart? Nah, but I wouldn't give him any homework for a while. Very good, Bart. Thank you.

A man's not a piece of fruit! This show was supposed to close last week! Close this show! Close it, I say. Hey, don't worry about it. You're all right.

How about "groin-grabbingly transcendent"? Uh, I don't think so. We make a good team. A groin-grabbingly good team. 497, 498 words. Hmph. How about "Screw Flanders"? Bon appÉtit. Ehh, both's good.

All right, but just be careful. Whoa! Someone smells stinky. Oh, it's me.

Attention shoppers, Register 9 is now open for your shopping convenience. Sorry, these are for display only. This has been recalled. Ooh, Bart would like this. We're out of these. Out? But I just-- Register 9 is now closed.

We came to this retreat because I thought our marriage was in trouble. But I never for a minute thought it was in this much trouble. How can you expect me-- Marge, you don't know what this fish means. This fish represents a better life for both of us. This fish makes me a champion and a hero. To who ? To those weirdos in the worm store. All this fish represents is just how selfish you are.

You're watching PBS. You're watching PBS? Hey, I'm as surprised as you, but I've stumbled upon the most delicious British sitcom. "Do Shut Up"?

Hey, can't you tell my voice from a 10-year-old kid's? ¡Ay, caramba!

It's 9:30 p.m., and you spent your whole Saturday... drinking beer in Maggie's kiddie pool. Hmm? There you are. Thought you could get away, huh?

Hey, wolfie, put down that hors d'oeuvre. It's time for the main course! Back to class, lad. Nothin' to see here.

Escort these men out... now. Get your hands off me! Get off! I don't need your stinkin' show anyway! With a mug like this, I can get on any soap in Springfield. Hmph!

Oh, man, There goes Peter Frampton's big finale. He's gonna be pissed off. You're damn right I'm gonna be pissed off! I bought that pig at Pink Floyd's yard sale! - Dad, are you okay? - I'm fine.

Now, which way to the welfare office? What? I'm kidding. I'm kidding. I work. I work. Thank you. I want to say thank you to everyone. From this day forth, I am no longer an Indian living in America. I am an Indian American. Yeah!

I gotta find Homer! He's gonna blow up the whole town! Yeah, well, you know, you gotta take the bitter with the sweet. (MUFFLED) Homer! Homer! Homer, do not press the "core destruct button."

from heaven right now-- Change the channel, Marge.

jealous? Well, no. We've got the same chair. You're jealous. Your membership pack. What's this?

Imagine this when you're sittin' on the john.

But, Marge! Valets! For once maybe someone will call me "sir" without adding, "You're making a scene." I'm gonna regale everyone with my anecdote. You know, the one I tried to say on the radio? Who's gonna bleep me this time?

so I asked him to sing the score from the H.M.S. Pinafore. Ooh, a plan fiendishly clever in its intricacies. Take him away, boys. Hey, I'm the chief here. Bake him away, toys. What'd you say, Chief?

Ah, the fourth grade will now favor us with a melody-- Uh, medley of holiday "flavorites." Dashing through the snow In a one-horse open sleigh

I'm sorry? Ah, nobody's blaming ya. Hey, could you take the wheel for a second? I have to scratch myself in two places at once.

I'm sorry. Krispy the Clown has been cast. But I will hire you for Angry the Clown, Silly Sailor and Dr. Clownius. I won't let you down! Well, I might let you down on Silly Sailor.

I see it! I see the monster!

Yo, I used to sit right over there. It's all right, children. just ignore the murderer.

He had to borrow a human brain.

The gunman has a name-o. Chief! Chief! Hey, Chief Wiggum, what are you doing? What's going on? I'm sorry, kid. We got Simpson D.N.A. on Burns's clothing, and your father was identified by the old man himself.

That will be $100. I see.

Can I interest you in a mincemeat pie? - They're very-- - Does it have tomacco in it? No, but I use only the-- Pass! I was here first.

and my buddy's collection of old sunbathing magazines. You bastard!

While you talk, I'm just gonna help myself to some licorice rope. As much as I enjoy your company-- and I truly do-- I must insist that from this point forward we not en-- Oh, my goodness, what are you doing? Mmm.

Oh-ho. You'll see. And what are your reasons for wanting a little brother?

The Lord is my... I told you I was a dude! You didn't dump me. I dumped you... (SCOFFS) Why on earth did I marry you? My track record! I've had 10 sons. Now take a ride on the kingmaker! (SHUDDERS)

How many of you hail from the fair city of Edinburgh? So, have you noticed... how North Edinburgh golfers putt like this, and South Edinburgh golfers putt like this?

And it all started with the dancing shoes you bought me.

Will you forget the report ? He's down at the rescue mission. We checked. He's long gone. Can you think of any reason he might have run away ? Anything at all ? Well, we did kind of yell at him... and sent him to his room... and tried to force him to apologize to his sister. Uh-huh.

Good night, Laughlin. She didn't do it She didn't do it Lisa sang too-- in a tell-all book blasting the family. To prolong the run of the series, I was secretly given antigrowth hormones.

That's $912. Send the bill to Baron von Kiss-a-lot. No problemo. This just arrived, Herr Baron. Okay, who's the wise guy? Oh, Homie, I'm so glad to see--

Get the camera ready. Bart very sleepy. Listen carefully and my words will shape images as clear as any TV show. It was a tumultuous time for our nation. The clear-beverage craze gave us all a reason to live.

Well, I've always been a firm believer in the three "Rs"-- reading TV Guide, um, writing to TV Guide and renewing TV Guide. Now, we don't usually do this, but we have some witnesses. Come in, Arthur.

I'm livin' in a cuckoo clock! Oh, see you later, kids. I've got to go rehearse with Ned. But, Marge, what about dessert? For God's sakes, you can pull the lid off your own can of pudding! Fine. I will! Oh, no. My pudding is trapped forever!

I first observed this technology at the airport gift shop. As you see, it responds to any percussive sound... with an exuberant shaking of its groove thing, yeah, yeah.

- (GASPING) - (SHOCKED CRY) Smithers! If this is some sort of hijink, stop it immediately. Sir, my thyroid is swelling up. Confound it, man. I need your throat clear and ready for perjury. When you canceled the drug plan, I couldn't afford my Thyroxine anymore. But before I die, there are words I have always longed to say.

Dios mio, this kid is fun to hit! (BOTH WHISTLING NONCHALANTLY) MARGE: Hmm. Why is Bart so tall and shaggy? Just one of life's mysteries. Like why is my nose jammed full of army men?

All righty. Time for bed. I'm leaving this place, and you'd better step aside. Lady, people are free to go whenever they wish.

Bart, what are you doing here? I've learned my lesson. Mr. Spangler showed me the true cost of my junk food addiction. But you're still fat. Not for long! I'm saying goodbye to Scammer and Z-Dog. I've learned that even made-up corporate shills can lie to you.

I doubt very highly that one elixir could boast so many fantastic properties. What say we am-scray out of here and have a wild wing-ding... at the cyclotron, Doctor? Anything you say, Professor. Whoa!

(INDIFFERENT GRUNT) Please, make me write something on the chalkboard a thousand times! We all got tired of that chalkboard years ago. Now go home.

All right, here's your last question. What was the cause of the Civil War? Actually, there were numerous causes. Aside from the obvious schism between abolitionists and anti-abolitionists, economic factors, both domestic and international-- Hey, hey! Yeah? - just say slavery. - Slavery it is, sir.

I'm just gonna give her up cold turkey. I'm not gonna talk to her or see her. It's over. Thanks for the advice, Sis.

Very nice, Homer. Wow! How many Pulitzer Prize winners can do that? just me and Eudora Welty.

Capital City My home, sweet, yeah Capital City My happy-tall city it's Capital City - My home, sweet Doh ! Swingin' home

Come on, Shoshana. Let's roll. Ha-ha!

Actually, I was in the mood for some frittatas. Ha! Lou and his frittatas! Frittatas! Oh, he likes eggs. Oh, Lisa, you saved me! And after all the bad things I said about you. What bad things? Why?

Well, if you believe in me, then I'm not going to give up. I'll prove I'm right. This Friday, we're going back to the woods. And we're going to find that alien.

Must... Kill... Best friend! (GROANING)

Well, don't sweat it, just so long as a couple of people did, right, Milhouse ? - Uh-uh. - Lewis ? - No.

(CROWD LAUGHING) Welcome, everyone, to the Annual Donkey Basketball Classic. I'm sure that "mule" enjoy it. Hmm. Tough crowd.

World War I? I fought in that! Course, to enlist I had to lie about my age.

Uh, make that zero chance. Frink out. Dad, would you like some of my Snicker bar cheesecake? Oh, I feel full enough as it is. I say when we're full. You don't want to piss off a man who can kick you in the crotch from the inside.

You don't make friends by winning. Still, there's nothing more popular than a gracious winner. Don't ask me. I'm just hair. Your head stopped 18 inches ago. Queen of hearts. I believe all the rest are ours. Oh, well played. We could've stopped them if you had changed to a different suit.

He's history's greatest monster!

It was 20 years ago. HOMER: That was my Woodstock! Oh! You know what started all this trouble? This motor home. How can a vehicle this cool destroy a marriage that crappy? Hey, I know this is a crazy idea, but hear me out.

A sprout! And there's some more! What is it? Carrots? Peas? Maybe it's okra! Who cares what it is? It's growing. I've saved the farm! Yea! Oh!

Move it, bub! We got an installation to "installate." Ooh! A Claes Oldenburg. He's a European who defied convention... and embraced American popular culture. He must be a hundred feet tall.

No, the island of San Glucose. Ahh. Good times.

Three years ago, Krusty pledged over a million dollars... to start Krusty's Care Centers. Please, stop already. To this day, Krusty has not given us a dime. Has he, Frances? I'm cold all the time. Oh, look. It was all a bookkeeping snafu.

MARGE: What's all that racket? It's old lady Simpson! Run! What's going on?

You'll be a bonehead ! Come on !

No, Mr. Simpson. A cat is a living creature. I don't care. Now I'm gonna grab me somethin' sweet.

That's a foul. I am taking the ball and going home. Hey! Hey, that's not your ball! The chase begins. Whoo! You da man, Carl! I believe you can fly!

my son, Barney! I used to be a fat, disgusting slob.

Spotlight, please. I just wanted... I just want... Come on, guys. I'm not doing the spotlight bit. Let's have a warm Krusty welcome for my estranged father Rabbi Hyman Krustofski. Lenny a little reconciliation music, if you please.

Lady, this better be good.

Nearer my God to thee Nearer to thee Oh, perfume ! Whoa ! Hmm. Thank you, Bart. You're welcome, Mom. 34 years old.

Judgment Day is at hand.

Get in! Wha- Get... in! Hey, whets this suitcase for'? Are we going on a trip? You are.

Mmm. Mmm. Boy, when God closes a door, he opens a window. (GIGGLES)

Gnarly show, man. Want to trash the stage? Okay. Aah! There was A little Spanish flea A record star he thought he'd be

Do it, brainiac.

Get a load of that spread ! Here you go. Take all you want, but eat all you take. Well, thank you very much, Mr.-- To pronounce it correctly, - I would have to pull out your tongue. - Eew. - Fried shrimp ! - Sloppy joes !

Started blinking when you made that turn. Let's see your chauffeur's license. Chauffeur's license, eh? Mel, buckle your borscht belt! Uh, since you're trying to make a getaway in park, I'm guessing you don't have a license. Better head down to the D.M.V. These two broads will help you out.

Introducing Ling Bouvier! (GASPS) Selma, she's beautiful. (GURGLING) This is Homer, your daddy. Without him, I wouldn't have you. (LAUGHING) Aw. She likes my eyes. Ow.

- No. Let me try the cup and ball. - Get your own! Come on! Don't be a cup-and-ball hog! Hey, give it! That's mine! Give me the cup and ball, you cup-and-ball hog! Give it, give it!

What ? You heard me. I'm goin' to the dog track. I got a hot little puppy in the fourth race. Wanna come ? Sorry, Barney. I may be a total washout as a father, but I'm not gonna take my kid... to a sleazy dog track on Christmas Eve.

The toilet seat's up. But that wouldn't happen unless...

Now don't feel bad, honey. Did you know back in grade school, I had a bully problem myself? Everybody was kung fu fighting

Now, when the wealthy dowager comes in, the party's over, right? Wrong!

I know. I'll go to my room and think about what I did. Oh, no, your room is full of toys.

Gosh, fellas, to see you all stuck in here when... even guys in China can watch all the action from their town squares or what have you, well, I just feel pretty doggone bad. If they were electing a president of Dumbville, I'd have to nominate me. You got my vote. We're never gonna get out of--

Did you see the bubble? Yeah, I'm afraid the whole west side of your house is sinking.

Why, you little-- Uh-oh ! Come back here, you little Raven ! Doh !

Mom, where is he? If I don't get that reed, I'll sound terrible. Don't worry, honey. I'm sure your father is... maybe... No. That's a long shot. Bingo. Don't worry.

"Clown College"? You can't eat that.

To rock! Who said that? That's right, Otto. We're here to rock! So get a good night's sleep and remember- Rule number one, there are no rules! Rule number two, no outside food.

reading typos from the Palookaville Post. Well, here's a headline for you: Nobody cares.

And just look how happy he is.

One night only. One night only at the Springfield Speedway this Saturday. If you miss this, you'd better be dead or in jail. And if you're in jail, break out ! Be there !

Oh, better set the alarm.

You mocking me! Oh, that is rich. Stop your laughing! You're all banned! Banned I tell you! Breath... short. Left arm... numb.

Aaah! I knew this weekend was just an excuse to get in my mouth. Keep your money. I'm going home.

Yeah. That's me all right.

Ho ho ho. Ho ho ho. What is it now, Simpson ? Uh, when do we get paid ? Not a dime till Christmas Eve ! Now, from the top. Ho ho ho. Ho ho ho. Um, Dasher. Dancer. Mm-hmm.

Uh-uh. Think. Is that what Alex would say?

It's a baby translator. It measures the pitch the frequency, and the urgency of a baby's cries. Then it tells whoever's around in plain English exactly what the baby is trying to say. Everything from "change me" to "turn off that damn Raffi record." That's a very clever idea.

jump, Bart! Jump! jump, Bart! Jump! - You got it! - Hey, Bart! Your epidermis is showing! It is? Oh. Uh, wh-oa-oa! See, epidermis means hair.

Good evening, folks. And welcome to my final clown-cast. The word "legend" has many definitions.

You will receive one as soon as your grades start to slip in any subject. This way, your parents won't have to wait until report card time to punish you. How innovative. I like it. Hey, Dolph, take a memo in your Newton. Beat up Martin.

Pizza, pizza. Pizza, pizza. Pizza, pizza. Pizza, pizza. Sorry, that button sticks. So why didn't you invite me? We couldn't tell you ahead of time because you'd spill the beans. I wouldn't ruin a surprise for Lenny. Surprise? What surprise?

Oh, God, Smithers I feel so alive! You the boss? Yes. I'll call Security.

Oh, I better make this quick, or I'm gonna start blubbering like a baby. Yeah, me too. Let me know if you need any help. Now that you mention it, we could use-- It was just an expression. Good-bye, Ned. If the slightest thing goes wrong with that house, call me right away.

Well, I'm not worried. You've already agreed not to sue me for anything. When did I agree to that? You did when I validated your parking. You didn't validate my parking. Check and mate. (CHUCKLES)

Yee-haw! Whoo, doggies! Thanks to Caleb for the tape. How'd you sneak that camera in? I got my ways. They can't cut down that sequoia if one of us is living in it. - Any volunteers? - I'll do it.

I have problems too. Well, I can't help you, kid. I'm just a terrific horn player with tons of soul. - But I can jam with you. - Okay.

The buffalo are gone. I think you shot them all. Oh! Connie was right! We wiped out the entire species! What have I done? What have I done?

Hey, how about 007? George Lazenby? No. Pierce Brosnan. A voice like his would give our house a much-needed touch of class. All right, but I'm doing this because he was Remington Steele.

Wow! The TV's coin-operated. And so is the Bible! I'd like to order a wake-up call, please.

That's one small step-- Whoa! Hi, Larry. I'm sorry. It's just that on the school bus--

Hey, Homer. Want a Duff? No, I'd like a bottle of Henry K. Duff's Private Reserve. Are you sure? 'Cause once I open the bottle, there's no refund.

Doing "it!" "It!" "It!" Sordid, public, sexual congress!

Well, they will.

Are you kidding? Being a cop husband is one mighty sweet deal. This police radio entertains me with other people's miseries, we get a free funeral for Marge-- God forbid-- and I can run background checks on whomever I want, Moammar.

Oh! Patience, Monty. Climb the ladder. Is he the leader? Of this chapter. There are chapters all over the world. And it has been foretold that someday a Chosen One will-- Okay, okay. I didn't ask for your life story.

I wash myself with a rag on a stick.

Medium setting.

Please, Dad. Please, Dad. No. No. - Please, Dad ! Please, Dad ! - No ! No ! Please, Dad ! Please, Dad ! No ! Oh, okay, okay.

HAWKING: Badda-bing, badda-boom. And we're done.

They paddled up the Mississippi from St. Louis. When winter came, Lewis and Clark tried to set up camp, but encountered much hardship. (STRAINING) Come spring, they sought help from Native Americans. Long have we awaited the coming of the white man...

Oh, really! Now, this is a personal call!

Look, I bought you a Malibu Stacy chinchilla coat. Huh? You've come to buy my forgiveness. Sorry, Homer. Lisa, honey, I'm sorry but I really had a good time watching football with you and I think you had a good time with me. Yeah, I did.

Son, your mother and I don't approve of this marriage, as we have not approved of any part of your life to date. - Well, the important thing is you came. - We're leaving. Drive safe. Always a bridesmaid, only occasionally a bride. Lisa, it's time you learned the truth about men.

Would you excuse me for a moment? All right. I have thought this through.

The object of the game is to avoid the ball by weaving or ducking out of its path. In other words, to dodge the ball. Listen, missy, just tell me why you weren't getting out of the way of those balls. I'm too sad. Too sad to play dodge ball ? That's ridiculous. Now, let's see some enthusiasm. Play ball !

Oh, Max Power. Trent said I absolutely must meet you. This is fabu-- Anyway, Marge, uh, how do you feel about the economy? So I said, "If this is the House of Pancakes, how come I can't eat the walls?"

Pierce, that was delicious! Can we help you with the dishes? Marge, what kind of cybertronic ultrobot would I be... if I let those beautiful hands touch dishwater? Oh! No, I'm asking. - Oh. Uh, not a very good one? - Damn straight.

And this is, uh, for the man of the house, which I guess... is you.

You're the only one who won't shut up about it!

Okay, don't panic. Remember what the instructor said. If you ever get into trouble, all you need to do is-- Feels like I'm wearing nothin' at all. Nothin' at all. Nothin' at all.

Rock n’ roll! Whoo-hoo!

What’s that? I'm adog! Hear me, accursed brethren!

Evenin', little lady. You reckon a square could get a dance? Uh, it looks so complicated. Do you know how? Ma'am, I wouldn't honk the honk if I couldn't tonk the tonk.

For the love of God, sir! There are two seats! I like to put my feet up.

I paid for your splendor, you- And for every syringe I find, I get a dollar. Well, that's great, honey. You know, Son, I’ve been doing a lot ofthinking. l was wrong to exploit you and I wont do it again. Thanks, Dad. That means a lot to me.

they're depressing, they wear ragged clothes, they're "crazy," they smell bad-- Hey, listen, man-- Wait, I'm going somewhere with this.

Happy anniversary, Mrs. Homer Simpson !

Goliath II is really gonna pay! Get ready to meet the first action hero. Wow. Winner takes it all till he bReaks the fall In time he'll make it over the top

Hey, everybody! I'm gonna haul ass to LollapaloozA!

I just know he's gonna embarrass me in front of the whole school. Huh? Ohh, no. It's a package from Ralph. Ohh. A Malibu Stacy convertible! "Look in the tunk."

No, I will not pay you $500 for sex. Aw, come on, Marge. You're getting something in return, and I'm getting a bowling team. It's win-win. It's sick, and I don't have that kind of money to spend on sex.

And now to push this convention into hyperspace, the man who put the "star" in Star Wars, a real burr under Darth Vader's saddle, Luke Skywalker himself, Mark Hamill!

If that's Homer, then who the hell's been puttin' beers on his tab? D'oh. Whoo-hoo. Uh-- That boy ain't right. Congratulations, Simpsons. The airline tickets are yours. All you have to do is to pick them up...

J To disembowel J J To hear him howl J J The very reason that l liveJ J ls plotting how to watch him dieJ

If you want an experienced public servant, vote for me. But if you want to believe a bunch of crazy promises... about garbagemen cleaning your gutters and waxing your car, then by all means vote for this sleazy lunatic.

Dear Lord! It's a demon bird! Simpson! See you at reveille, 0500 tomorrow! See you at the I.R.S.! See you in hell! From heaven.

No thanks to you, Homer. Why, you little--

Gonna paint your wagon gonna paint it fine gonna use oil-based paint 'cause the wood is pine ponderosa pine Yeehaw! Mmm. Who knew that Lee Marvin could do such marvelous splits? He's dreamy.

Oh. I don't need your pity.

Two plus two is four. Two plus two is four. Two plus two is four. I can see why this is so popular. Look at him.

(GRUNTS) Oh, my God, that man might be hurt! Guards, there's a prisoner in there! Nice nab, Simpson.

(GASPING) (SPEAKING KLINGON) (BOTH GRUNTING) Stop it! Stop it, both of you! Seymour, it's too late for you to win me back. This man worships me. He actually wants to be my husband.

Hmm? That's right, an unauthorized tattoo. I came here right away. Very good. Here you go! 42-inch plasma TV as a thank you from your... Your mother. Oh, that "my mother."

Huh. They're gonna feel so silly when they realize they forgot us. rockin' the casbah rock the casbah the Shareef don't like it

It'll burn up in our atmosphere and whatever's left will be no bigger than a Chihuahua's head.

Yes, ma'am. What about Clemens? Sir, he's in no condition to play. That damn hypnotist! You! Look what you've done. My starting pitcher thinks he's a chicken. I'm going to report this to the American Hypnotical Association.

No. It's evil. Please! Stop recycling! Stop. You can't mix plastic with paper.

And now, for an emergency announcement from the mayor.

l was going to tell you this privately... but because of your incredibly [ow test score... we're sending you back to third grade.

Stupid Bart. (CHUCKLING) Bagpipes getting down with an octopus, that's classic. Hot bananas coming through. Oops. (GASPS) My dessert. (PANTING FRANTICALLY)

Oh, I was an idiot. Now I'll be alone forever. Why did I break up with her?

You haven't set aside anything for the future. You know how it is with cops. I'll get shot three days before retirement. In the business we call it "retirony."

Animal house, house, house Nobody ever went to class Then we saw Donald Sutherland's ass

Oh! Thanks, Pinky! You've always been there for me. Has given you the call recall Alice Mornin', Ned.

Fog machine-- Even I think this is crazy. Chaka Khan, let me rock you Let me rock you, Chaka Khan Chaka Khan, Chaka Khan Chaka Khan Whisk the egg whites into the batter mixture...

Oh, Homey, I'm so glad to hear you say that. Now, would you give church another try? I'll be there next Sunday, front row, center.

What about all the expensive stuff we wanted? Can we still have it? No! Blasted! In fact, to pay for the construction...

And to challenge the irresistible force of Tatum, we have the immovable object. He's been called the Brick Hit House... and is also known as the Southern Dandy, Homer Simpson!

I am Rudy Giuliani. You must forgive Homer. I am Rudy Giuliani.

Shh. Shut up, Updike!

You could be the ghost or the lottery commissioner. Ooh! What about indiana jones? Does anyone own the rights to that? Hey, Mel! I fell out!

Now, don't worry, Homer. You're the kind of guy I could really dig... a grave for!

Well, the book festival starts today-- Anything at all. You name it. What do you want to do? Stupid Lisa. Hear ye! Hear ye! One dollar off on all poetry books! All right!

Hey, those are my customers/only friends. Where are they getting their beer? Yeah! A cooler? I’ve been replaced by a cooler?

Hello. Are you Don Mattingly? Yes. Yes, I am. Come in. Come in. Can I get you something? What's your name?

My family brought me here on Monday, but I broke free and went on a bit of a bender. Wait a minute. If you're Cornelius Talmadge, then who's-- When i get old, Marge, i want you to promise you'll put me in a home. It's like being a baby, only you're old enough to appreciate it.

No. I mean this CD. The Best of Wings. For the Band on the run You know, we've been through some 280 adventures together. But our bond has never been stronger. Mmm-mm.

Homer, I think you'd agree that I've put up with a lot in this marriage. But this is the first time since we've been married... that I've actually feared for our lives.

Oh, yes, and punish Lisa for lying to us. All right, young lady. March yourself directly to the Kwik-E-Mart and get me some chips and a beer. Get a little somethin' for yourself, sweetheart. Shall we bury it or chuck it into a car full of girls? Hey, leave it alone!

There, there, Audrey. ts happened to all of us.

like doughnuts, and the possibility of more doughnuts to come. I knew you'd do well, Homer.

These mallet things are padded with foam rubber. What's the point ? They'd work much better without the padding, Doc. No, no. That's not true. Ah ! Give me that. See ? Yes, well, that concludes this portion of our treatment.

For that poor little boy who sunk halfway to hell Though we can't get him out we'll do the next best thing And go on TV and sing, sing, sing And we're sending our love down the well

It's how Jackie got her "O." Okay, we'll go to the convention, sell my Lois Lane comics, buy some Jimmy Olsens, and stop Edna from making a terrible mistake. I wish you'd devote this much time and attention to our relationship. Don't worry, Marge. We'll get something to eat. (GRUMBLES)

You cost us one more game and you're dead. You're going to heaven.

Please let me slip through the cracks. Well, you look like a good student, what with those glasses.

What if she doesnt? We'll have to smoke her out. N And may the peace of God be with you. Amen. Amen. Cher. Breaker, breaker. Bartman to shut-in. The big guy's asleep. Please advise. Over. Whack him with the hymnai Cher.

Spill it, Muddy Mae, or we're calling the cops! Please don't! All right. Then we'll call your husband. Grampa!

Moe! Homer! Aaah! The booze!

Yep, you're gonna make it, Dad. Somewhere up there, I bet Red is saying thanks. 10-4, dead buddy. This is Red Barclay's shipment, on time as always.

Food goes in here. It sure does. Hey, Moe. Whatsa matter? You no talka with your accent no more. Mamma mia.

Ooh, man. He's here. The dude with the fireproof stomach. Spoon. They say he carved it himself from a bigger spoon.

Look! That's Lisa Leslie. She showed little girls everywhere... that they can grow up to be 6 foot 5.

Homer, Mr. Burns gave me another raise today. The senile old fool.

I've been thinking, Homer, and you know what bothers me the most about this whole thing ? You taught Bart a very bad lesson. Your boy idolizes you.

Look at that man. He has the crowd in the palm of his hand. Ah, haven't seen anything like it since jolson. Who is he ? That's Homer Simpson, sir.

I like to play with you.

Oh, I just love it here. So many things, and so many things of each thing.

Ooh! Look at me. I'm making people happy.

Consider yourself fired! I had a car! Mom, can we go into this bookstore? Please, please, please, please, please, please, please? Well, I could use a muffin.

Luckily, I was not killed that day. Although sometimes, I wish... I had been. Oh, he's lying !

It's called McBain: Let's Get Silly. Did you ever notice how men always leave the toilet seat up? That's the joke. You suck, McBain!

All right, you guys. I want you in bed before jimbo gets here. What do you like about him? He's just a good-lookin' rebel who plays by his own rules.

That is a rare photo of sean Connery signed by Roger Moore. - It is worth $150. - What can I get for 75 cents? You may purchase this charming Hamburglar Adventure. A child has already solved the jumble using crayons. The answer is "fries."

- Is too. Is too. - Is not. Is not.

Krusty, in regards to the large wager you made... on yesterday's horse race-- Oh, come on. How 'bout letting me go double or nothing on the big opera tonight? Who do you like? The tenor.

Bart? Sufferin' succotash! - You can talk! - Goo. Mom, Dad, she can talk! Say it again, Lise. Bart. Bart, Bart, Bart, Bart, Bart. I'm her first word! Well, I'm not surprised. Lisa's crazy about you. She thinks you hung the moon.

This is terrible. Um-- So, Trent, where's the party bus headed now? what? Well, I'm glad you changed your name back to Homer Simpson. Yes. I learned you gotta be yourself.

Okay, who wants a piece of me? You trying to get yourself killed, Tamzarian?

Somebody's been sleeping in my bed. Somebody's been sleeping in my bed. Somebody's been sleeping in my bed. Well, I'm sorry. But it was a 150 degrees in the car.

Oh! I'm gonna die in myjammies.

their evil heartS we'll pulverize oh, whacking day oh, whacking day May God bestow his grace on thee Here you go. Official Whacking Day parking. Ten dollars per axle.

Homer! Lisa loves me. The pony stays. You got us into this. You get us out.

All that love had gone Your papa never told you about Right and wrong

Patty and Selma will be here any minute! Oh, no! Better ride this one out in the closet. Sorry, Dad. This is our spot. Oh, yeah? Well, it's my house, so it's my spot. Nu-uh, because we called it. Did not. Well, we're calling it now. You are?

The joke's on you, buddy. There's no bullets in that thing. Yo, give me the bullets. Okay. Don't shoot!

Maybe death will stop your yammering, huh? Marge, easy.

Well, for a case this complex, I had to assemble a crack team of lawyers. Ronald Chaporo, trial attorney. Albert Dershman, who can hold three billiard balls in his mouth.

If you survive, please come again. It's so thick!

Hi there. Nice to see you. Now, Homer, these gentlemen here will be your eyes and your ears,

And just look how happy he is.

while all the while they're still going--

How did you know? I'm psychic. Look, I don't know if I want a roofer who hangs out in bars.

Homer, you're driving a stake through the hearts of those who love you. Hey, no pain, no gain. Will you be paying by cash or check ? Cash, of course. I've got $250 right here with me.

That's right. Hot and heavy. They've never been happier. Oh, yeah. She does look pregnant. Now, who might you be? A tabloid? Is that one ofthose really strong mints? Hello? Hello? J Jesus is the rock that rolls my blues awayJ J Shoo-be-doo-be Yeah, shoo-be-doo-be JJ

Oh, bitch, bitch, bitch!

Marge, he's five. His life is over. Lisa's the wave of the future. Wave of the future! That's right, honey. If you nurture her gift now, there's no telling what she can do. Wow, just think of the possibilities. Lisa Simpson has won the Nobel Prize.

you'll think the body's still warm. Ooh! Ahh! "Quoth the raven--" What a shine!

Arnie Pie in the Sky with the morning commute. Traffic this morning is as bad as it gets.

Eww, Homer. Where did you get that ugly thing? Why, at that little shop right over... there. Oh, it was over there.

This is my real voice. I'm Leon Compowski. I'm a bricklayer from New jersey. All my life I was angry, until one day I talked like this. All of a sudden everybody was smiling at me.

All right, all right. Mellow out, everybody. The captain'll know what to do. You just shot the captain out of the torpedo tube. That means you're in charge, Homer. I am? Those were the orders.

Marge, stop this crazy thing!

Surely anyone would have noticed a gas leak... except Aunt Selma. I permanently lost my sense of smell. She happily watched MacGyver... unaware that her room... was silently filling with natural gas.

Oh, it's a donkey.

Super fun happy slide! No, Dad. Oh! I guess killing will be fun enough. You must drive this stake right through his heart.

Oh, I can't let you leave now. Safe and sound. Oh, that's better.

Lisa, what are you rebelling against?

You were always my special little guy. Bart, here's that cupcake you wanted.

- My name's Thelonious. - As in Monk?

Hi, hi, hi. Bye. Hi. Akira, can you read this for me? Ah, yes. This is a product called Mr. Sparkle. Very popular dish detergent. Hey, he looks like you!

Lisa, what are you doing? That's a bad-girl bathroom. Duh! You want to egg Skinner's car? Okay. What are you looking at? Nothing. Then get out. We're figuring out stuff to egg.

A cougar! Die, cougar! Ow! My leg! Oh, geez! Got that cat right in the leg. Dad, you shot Moe! Oh, no! This time I really am gonna faint. Ow! Son of a--

Route 401 is going around and around... and around and around and around. And look out at the corner of 12th and Main because I'm gonna be sick. Whoop. Okay, Mr. Sun, gimme what you got.

She's wooden and unpleasant. And no matter what he does, he's still Ryan O'Neal. Opinion noted. Now if you don't mind, your father and I are trying to lose ourselves in this romantic fantasy. Yeah. We're trying to create a mood here, so shut the hell up! (GROWLING)

Come on, kids. We should go. Goodbye, Selma. I'm not dead, idiot. I know. That was for the other patients. Ow! Ow! My thingies! (ORGAN MUSIC ON TV)

Yeah, right. Like you're gonna let me go hungry. I'll be eating that pizza in five minutes. Bart, stop being confident. Doggone it! Ohh. Oh, Grampa. I'm starving! Somebody bring me some food quick!

Don't soul mate me! Okay.

I couldn't understand what he was saying. I feel terrible. I ratted on my best friend and he doesn't even know. According to Eternity magazine the feeling of guilt has been linked to gamephenomene.

What say you, men? Has this lowly maggot passed the test? Congratulations! You made it! Hey, what about me? I'm a lowly maggot. Well, since you attended public school,

Aw. Those poor badgers are soaked. Quiet. God looks like he has something important to say. Go forth, Noah. And remember, the key to salvation is-- You've seen the movie. Now meet a real-life Noah.

If you kids can't keep your hands to yourself, I'm gonna turn this car around, and there'll be no Cape Canaveral for anybody! That's it! Back to Winnipeg!

Need more lap. (GULPING) OTTO: Whoa!

I'm sorry we had such a terrible fight.

How come you guys hesitated? Sorry, Dad. We do believe in you. We really do. It's just hard not to listen to TV.

- Oh! - Oh! Game's over. I got down on the floor for this?! Wait, Dad. I've got something for you. I was hoping it would be money. Hmm, dear. We're in serious trouble here. We're just going to have to cut down on luxuries.

Don't you think there is an inherent danger... in sending under-qualified civilians into space? I'll field this one. The only danger is... if they send us to that terrible Planet of the Apes. Wait a minute. Statue of Liberty. That was our planet! You maniacs!

Yeah, sure. Whatever. These drugs will make the operation... seem like a beautiful dream. Ahh.

And his brain waves are disturbingly erratic. You are wired in to the rest of your family. You have the ability to shock them and they have the ability to shock-- just testing-- Whoa! Bart, how could you shock your little sister? My finger slipped-- Ahh!

D'oh, d'oh, d'oh.

followed by Always Comes In Second and I'm Number Three. Yes! Come on, you little horse! And they're in the home stretch. It's-- Wait! Another dog is on the track.

You love Homer and Marge. You are their son. What you are doing is wrong, wrong, wrong! Do you mind? You're killing the romance in here. Well, it was a grueling two weeks, but you have your son back. Ooh.

What did I do? I'm tired of watching you dog it on that football field.

Aggravated assault, manslaughter, stealing cable. What ? Marge ! Lisa ! Maggie ! Shake hands. Keep it clean.

Oh, don't worry. She'll hear about this.

Left-handed pinking shears. Pinking shears? Let's go to the food court and steal some baked potatoes. Hey, Flanders, when are your busy hours? I expect things to pick up soon. I think word of mouth is starting to spread. I hear you validate parking tickets without purchase.

No, wait. I'll make it say, "What's a-matter, you?" in Turkish. And look at this!

Ow! Otto man? You're living in a Dumpster? Oh, man, I wish. Dumpster brand trash bins are top-of-the-line. This is just a Trash-co waste disposal unit. Come home with me. You can stay in our garage. A garage! Somebody up there likes me.

Bart, your hat's behind the toilet.

Hitchhike. It's faster. Bart! We're like this all the time. Good night, everybody!

D'oh! Mom! I found Sideshow Bob's hideout! And I got a secret message to the police! And I had a blimp fall on me! And I was in an atomic blast! But I'm okay now! Well, I wrecked the gate. But you don't hear me bragging. Now let's roll!

But, Milhouse, being a star is every patriotic American's dream. Not mine. It's a sham, Bart. You get up on that movie screen pretending to be a hero, but you're not. The real heroes are out there, toiling day and night on more important things. Television? No!

Look, there they are! They're going into Multi-Purpose Room B. That room has a dry erase board! They could be doing anything in there! Anything!

You're that guy who owns the nuclear power plant ! The ownership is divided. What the hell do you think you're doing ? Mr. Simpson, I dread the day... when $100,000 isn't worth groveling for !

Milhouse, we broke the watch! Do you realize what this means? Yeah, but you say it first.

Oh. Oh, gosh. You know, I'm not much on speeches, but it's so gratifying... to leave you wallowing in the mess you've made. You're screwed. Thank you. Bye.

Can't get enough of your love, babe

Huh. Yeah. Ohh. Ooh. I'll tell you one thing:

Your teenage son or daughter will think this wishbone necklace is really cool. I doubt my son or daughter is that stupid. Hmm. Nah.

It's all right, Lisa. Don't go. More heaven for me. Lisa's going! We're all going! Come on, Lisa. No one in this family is being left below. Wait for me! I'm a-coming. Don't worry, Dad! There's a bus coming for you! Drive! Drive! ALL: 99 minutes until we're all saved

It gets kind of hazy after that. Why did a vision of my future include a story about Homer and Lincoln's gold? I guess the spirits thought the main vision was a little thin. Anyway, the point is, you still have the power to change your future. I'll do my best. You're a good kid. Here's a coupon for some crab claws. Hey, this is expired!

Hey, our school's on TV. Springfield elementary has reopened its doors. I'm with jim Hope of Kid First Industries, which has generously stepped in to educate our children. That's right, Kent. You know, when public schools drop the ball, it's up to the private sector to fall on that fumble and run for the end zone.

Jamaica. Hey, mon! I call for a joint session. This vote is dreadlocked. San Francisco. Hello there, sailor! I'm here and fabulous! Now I'd like to make a motion.

Hello, ticket holders! Oh, here comes that cannonball guy. He's cool. Are you being sarcastic, dude? I don't even know anymore.

I need to unwind. I know you do, Marge but you know what our vacations are like-- Those three monsters in the backseat-- "Are we there yet? Are we there yet?" And I'm no day at the beach either. "Marge, can I have another sandwich? Marge, can I have another sandwich?"

You know, Marge, this is just like when we were dating.

Who's the cat that won't cop out When there's danger all about Shaft Right on. There's gotta be something I haven't tried. Huh ? Hey, what's this ? Fugu ! It is blowfish, sir. But I should warn you that one--

Relax, honey. You were just having a crazy nightmare. You're back with your family now where there's nothing to be afraid of. Except that fog that turns people inside out.

featuring clips like this one of Sideshow Mel whacked out on wowee sauce. Everyone's always kissing your ass. Well, I'm not afraid to tell you you're a--

Oh, Lisa, this isn't real. It's just how you might look if you were a cartoon character. I'm an ugmo. Now, that's not true. You're cute as a bug's ear.

Stop! Don't shoot my dad! He's innocent. He wouldn't hurt a fly.

(SIGHS) BFD. I've had your scrambled eggs, Homer. The secret ingredient is whiskey.

Go out and find a girl Come on, come on and dance all night Despite the heat it'll be all right And, babe don't you know it's a pity That the days can't be like the nights In the summer, in the city Oh, crap!

Wait! We don't need supernatural powers. We already know their secrets. She's right. Homer's done a ton of crap that never made the papers. My mom shoplifts all the time. Stuff she doesn't even need. My dad gets in car accidents on purpose. Great. This is all gold. We gotta spread this stuff around.

I bet they're having the time of their life. Shh! Shh, shh! Shh! I keep telling you, lady. Your husband and son have to be missing for a week...

Dad? Dad? Dad! Yes, Lisa?

Maybe on the way back, we can swing by the demolition derby and have a nice talk. Sounds great. Lisa, I'm afraid your tummy ache may be caused by stress.

the snore converter. Good night, Homie. Good night, honey.

Uh-huh? Half a brain, huh? Well, you know what? It sounds like you just volunteered. Me? But you were doing such a great job.

All opposed? Nay. Who keeps saying that? It was him. Let's get him, fellas.

- If I ever stop loving violence, I want you to shoot me. - Will do.

Holds it. Halfback passes to center! Back to wing! Back to center! Center holds it! Holds it! Holds it!

I've got to admit it, Selma... he's a once-in-a-lifetime catch. I hope the police are saying that as well. I can't believe you guys. This man framed Krusty the Clown.

Hidilly-ho, neighbor. Wanna go to the game with me? I got two tickets. Why do you mock me, O Lord? Homer, that's not God. That's just a waffle that Bart tossed up there. Mmm. I know I shouldn't eat thee, but--

So, I took a stab at writing my own song. Something that expresses what's really in my heart. Bernie, if you please? I'm in the final two

The only friend you need is SpringShield. Monster put in wallet. That commercial is very effective. You know, the old lady's apartment was actually Lenny's. We just used a different duvet cover. Well, they're both lovely.

Aw, boo-hoo. That's what they get paid for. Homer, look! Look. A TV Guide owned by jackie O. Oh, you should see the crossword puzzle. She thought that Mindy lived with Mark. Give her a break! Her husband was killed!

When was the last time you played Citizenship? Energy Shortage? Hippo in the House? Ooh, the Game of Lent! Can't we just go to bed? It's only 5:30. Fine. We'll play Hippo in the House. Oh, the hippo's missing.

Yes! That's what we wanted you to think!

Aah..! Oh, fudge... That's broken. Fiddle-dee-dee. That will require a tetanus shot. I'm not going to swear but I am going to kick this doghouse down!

Who needs the Kwik-E-Mart I do Hey, he's not happy at all! He lied to us through song! I hate when people do that!

Forget it. You're married. Let yourself go.

Jesus called today. He did? I'm bored.

Oh, mercy. He's the real deal! Come back. Come back!

Okay. Quit naggin' me. I won't have any beer. Geez. Why don't you have a cigarette or somethin'? Hmm. I suppose I could. I'm gonna go get some vegetarian chili before they get desperate and add meat.

For our last event of the evening, we have a special surprise guest: the world's greatest daredevil, the man who's no stranger to danger. If he's not in action, he's in traction. Captain Lance Murdock ! Ladies and gentlemen, and especially little children,

ALL: Rubbing sticks and stones together Makes the sparks ignite And the thought of loving you is getting so exciting Skyrockets in flight (HOMER SCREAMING)

Oh, right, the gas. I'll be back. You can't keep the democrats out of the white house forever... And when they get in, I'm back on the streets... with all my criminal buddies! I feel like such a fool.

He's not nobody. He might even be your new daddy.

His blood type is double-O-negative. It's quite rare.

I told that boy a billion times to pick up his jun-- I like to play with you. My back. I like to play with you. There goes my back again. I like to play with you.

J Glad to see you J

The government has no right to use you this way. Quiet, honey. You don't know how big this government is. It goes all the way to the president! There you go, ratboy! Does this make me look fat? - No. It makes you look like a tool of government oppression. - But not fat?

Oh, geez! Darn it! Why won't you die? Prickers! Huh?

Uh-huh. Oh... just promise me you won't play any more practical jokes. I promise. Mama. Mama. Maggie, you talked!

Is this seat taken, little girl? - I'm not a girl! Are you blind? - Yes. I am stoked, Mr. S. Shh. Everybody, it's coming on!

Ladies and gentlemen, Krusty the Clown is dead.

The old Union Pacific doesn't come by here much anymore.

Wow... chocolate, half-price! La la la-la-la-la-la Mr. Simpson. La-la-la-la-la Mr. Simpson? Huh? Oh, sorry. We were talking about chocolate? That was ten minutes ago.

That's your underwear. Well, whatever it is, it's a two-man job. Where's Bart? He's up in his room. Bart! It's okay, Marge. I'll get him. Bart! What the heck's going on? We need Bart to help fold your father's underpants. Where is he anyway? Bart?

Sweet Lord, it is ! Simpson !

We suggest you have a conversation with your husband. You have 24 hours to give us our money. And to show you we're serious, you have 12 hours. See you at 6:00 a.m.

Ah, Homer, I hope Crusher and Low Blow didn't hurt you. You know, you could have just called me. Oh, yes, but the telephone is so impersonal. I prefer the hands-on touch you only get with hired goons.

Now turn to the next problem. If you have three Pepsis and drink one, how much more refreshed are you? You, the redhead in the Chicago school system. Pepsi? Partial credit.

Soul? Come on, Milhouse. There's no such thing as a soul. It's just something they made up to scare kids, like the boogeyman, or Michael jackson. But every religion says there's a soul, Bart. Why would they lie? What would they have to gain? I don't hear scrubbing! If your soul's real, where is it?

The Cirque de Purée. We've had tickets since Septembre. But I want to watch Brett Favre!

I hope you enjoy your plaque, cheater! Well, I was going to give you the Good Sportsmanship Award, but now I'm just going to be sick. I can't believe those idiot judges were impressed by glowing plastic tubes!

Uh-oh. Because it's time for Bill and Marty's 5:00 news "flush." Oh, yeah Our topless story-- President Clinton has launched a new Web site. Uh-oh. Wait. Let me guess. WWW dot-- dot--

Hey, Simpson, I hear your sister dumped Christianity. Who cares? I'll tell you someone who cares. He's got long hair, works as a carpenter, has a lot of crazy ideas about love and brotherhood. His name's Gunnar, and he's dating my mom.

Tonight his beloved mock apple pie will have real apples. Wha-- Oh, my God. It's so beautiful. Hey, look, everybody. Marge is here.

Because I have a small role in a Broadway musical. It's not much, but it's a start. Bravo.

Mom, Dad, Bart and Stampy are gone! Oh, my Lord! I bet it's because of that horrible ivory dealer, Dad. He took Bart too? That wasn't part of our deal, Blackheart! That wasn't part!

Man, it's windy as hell out there.

how about just, "What I'd like is I'd like to hug and kiss you"? Wow! That's much better. Everyone can enjoy that. Live from Springfield,

Let me get my belt sander. Maybe I can grind the ugly off your face. Very funny. I wasn't joking. (WHIRRING) I'm getting married, and I need you to perform the ceremony.

That's my grease! It's mine! Give it here! You're playing in grease? Yarg!

A soy-based snack will calm me down. Agh! Him again!

so you'll have to lick my thumb before I can turn the page. Oh. Can't I just turn the page for you? No! But you can pick out any picture you want to take home with you. - Okay. That one. - No! Ow! You can't have that one! That's a coconut cake!

Listen, kid, I'm not the kind of dad who, you know, does things, or says stuff, or looks at you, but the love is there. Where are you? Give Daddy a clue. Aw, that's my girl. Okay, you just sit there and I'll throw the Frisbee to you. Ohh! I gotta sit up now?

All that high living just distracted me... from my true calling in life-- salvaging sunken barges... for scrap iron. Sorry, kids. There's nothing left for me on dry land anymore. But Krusty, what about all the kids who depend on you... to brighten up their afternoons? Are you gonna turn your back on them? Yes!

- Hey, shh! - You're making us miss the contest.

I know exactly who I am. I am the sister of a rotten, jealous, mean, little sneak! You cost me my only friends!

Y'ello? Hello. This is President Clinton. Hey, how you doing? Your determination and grit under extreme pressure are an inspiration. The whole country is proud of you. Well, it's about time! And on behalf of America, I'd like to--

Sure, I can do something destructive. just say the word, and I'll drive this hoe in his back! I can make it look like suicide. And I want a bike, and a monkey, and a friend for the monkey-- You're not gonna start any fires, are you?

Now, Flanders, I want you to-- It's impossible! I killed you! You can't kill the undead, silly. He's undead, all right. Are you a zombie? Oh, I wish! You see, that night when you hit me with your car--

That doesn't look like her body. The torso used to be Dr. Ruth. Her head is on a pike in the Chamber of Horrors. Hi, fellas. Love that "chewing gum" walk.

You, uh, don't need to applaud that. Now, here's what we think the impact might look like. Show them, jerry.

It's hard to see what's going on. I can only make out the fat soldiers. All right, children, switch. Hey, they're trying to learn for free! Get 'em! Use your phony guns as clubs!

Help! Help, help! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Get him! Look at him go! Ohh! Ohh--

Thus I submit to you, we abolish television... permanently! Go back to Massachusetts, pinko! Oh, and one more thing. I've stolen a nuclear weapon.

All my other senses are getting sharper. Bart, you had pizza for lunch. Lisa, you're extremely depressed. As if!

We've never lost a year before, and I'll be damned if we're gonna lose one on my shift. Seven, six, five, four, three, two, one!

Your behavior, it's like not sanctioned by any governing body. You're like wild. Shouldn't you all be singing carols or something? (GROANING) Stop! Friends, what Homer did was wrong but I've been thinking.

- Close that door! - Aah!

I believe something of yours struck my car yesterday. Oh, yeah? Prove it! That's your license plate, isn't it? Uh-- All right! just go ahead and sue me!

I needed it. I had to buy back some incriminating photos. Look. See? You’re fine, and then- Whoops. Uh-oh. Look out. I know this looks bad, but if you reverse it, Daddy's a hero. See? Watch. I saved you! You stole my money!

Comin' through! Can't throw me out. My father's a member.

Whenever a teacher confiscates something it ends up here. Salacious halter tops complete collections of Mad, Cracked and the occasional issue of Crazy and this plastic derriere.

But you always looked out for me. Homer, it's really coming down! Could you check on the boys? They're fine. And no matter what happens, I'll never forget the advice you gave me.

All right! Everybody in the pool! - 'Tis a fine barn, but sure 'tis no pool, English. - D'oh-ith!

What? No! No! You can't! I won't let you! Mrs. Simpson, restrain yourself, or you'll be arrested.

You'll never silence me! I'm the last angry man, Patterson-- a crusader for the little guy! Leave the bird alone! Never! Look, Simpson. I've been elected... by the voters of this city 16 years in a row, so they must think I'm doing a damn good job. You want to know what I think? No.

Ohh! Is that where Boozer drank the pee? It's one of the places. Whee! Whee! Whee! Whee! Sorry. This school has everything.

Dad, why are you singing? Tell a lie. Tell a lie. Because I have a small role in a Broadway musical. It's not much, but it's a start.

Oh! Diablo Canyon 2, why can't you be more like Diablo Canyon 1?

And I don't know what that is, because everybody has always done what I say.

Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Jingle Bell R-- Huh? Jingle bell what?

Hey, Otto, can I use that microphone ? Sorry, Bart, dude. It's for emergencies only. But I wanna tell 'em about my jump.

Nine out of 10 orphans can't tell the difference. Yo, Mr. Black. Another brandy. Gentlemen, to evil. Marge, since the kids left, I've lost five pounds!

Listen, I really need a rest stop. Again? I have a bladder the size of a Brazil nut. We just call them "nuts" here.

Ow. Ow. Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow. - Give it up, Homer. It's locked up tight. - Locked, eh ? Well, I just might have a little surprise up my sleeve... for old Mr. Lock. Step aside, boy.

Spending the day together as a family.

After basic training, you'll only have to work one weekend a month. And most of that time, you're drunk off your ass.

I always wondered if there was a God, and now I know. There is, and it's me. You're not a god, Homer. Remember, Dad, all glory is fleeting. So? Beware the Ides of March. No. Dad, I know you think you're happy now, but it's not gonna last forever. Everything lasts forever.

Okay, Sherman, you're a movie expert. So tell us, who's gay? Oh, I don't know. Harvey Fierstein. - No! - Who else? Uh-- Uh-- Oh. MacGyver's gay. Oh!

And God bless Mom and Dad and Lisa and Maggie. And please, God, kill Sideshow Bob.

Thank you. Good-bye, Marge. I'll always love you. You're on Frame Up. Uh, what! That's right.

All right, smart guy. Where's the fire? Over there.

Oh, man. This is hard. Uh, Dad, shouldn't you save a couple bottles for when you're a little higher?

Turn that off, Homer. It can't be turned off.

Fine. I'll cut off your service! Fine. I'll cut off your ponytail! Homer. Marge, it's called negotiating.

But watch out for retroviruses. Oh, boy, are they retro. It's a fun design by R. Crumb, who was friends with Harvey Pekar. Seriously, though. Touch one and you're dead.

Ow! That really hurt! I can't take it anymore! Hi-ya! Mom, you cut the tether. We're free! Your mother set us free!

Oops. You're dead. I never liked that Dr. Stupid. Mr. Burns, I'll be honest. We had a hidden agenda tonight. No. The holiday season is approaching, and these children need a school. Charity, eh? Yes. I'd be more than happy to--

Come on. Why don't you just take my blood?

But now I've changed You can't deny Come on up and testify Testify, testify Come on up and testify My hip's misbehavin'

Sweetie, it's nice that you want to take charge around the house, but don't be a hero. just make sure your father eats all his meals over a tarp. But not the good tarp. I want you to get married on that someday. Oh, Mom. I've seen what you do around the house, and I can handle it. Maybe I can even make things more efficient.

Do you get time off for snitching on your cellmates?

Dear God! Not again!

You're being swept under the rug for the superintendent's visit. Enjoy. How are we gonna get out of here?

Mr. Secretary, can you read the minutes of our last meeting? "Girls are yucky. Seconded and carried. A fart was detected. Martin denied it and so was ruled to have supplied it." Good. Security Officer, anything on the scope?

He's just standing his ground! He knows that deep down, all bullies are cowards! We're undone! (ALL EXCLAIMING IN FEAR) I know what you're hiding, lad. Willie's been deaf since the boiler explosion of '88. But I taught myself to read lips. Morning, Willie! What did you say about me mother?

Little jamshed, the store is in your hands. How I have waited for this day.

Those are supposed to be baggy pants! Baggy! Ooh! I've never had a pair of pants that fit this well in my life.

What are you doing ? Show a little respect, you insolent little thugs. We're really scared. Hey ! Hey, you ! Hey ! Hey, you !

Yeah. Listen to the tomato with the melons. Ooh! Three-bean salad! Sorry. You can't join us. This is a $100-a-plate Krusty fund-raiser. For 200, you get a picture with me. For a thousand, I can have somebody whacked.

Practice ball. Practice ball. Real, real, real, real, real! Whoo-hoo! Kids, today we have to talk about Krusty brand Chew Goo Gum-Like Substance.

Stop it! I can't believe I was such a terror. Well, neither could your parents. That's why they brought you to me. Well, I'm afraid young Ned is unusually aggressive, but I can't seem to find a cause for it. Hey! Hey! Get down from that bookshelf, please!

Oh, my God! It just disappeared. It's a ghost car! There are ghost cars all over these highways, you know.

Oh. What are you doing ? I'm cataloguing the violence in these cartoons. I don't think adults have ever actually sat down and watched them before. Aaah !

Hmm. "Thank you in advance for a world-class meal. You're an inspiration to our entire organization. Thank you again. Bart." Oh, what a lovely gesture. Cost of paper: five cents. A mother's love: priceless. Aw. Do I get a card?

Here's Lisa today. Without treatment, here's what she'll look like at age 11, age 14, age 17... and, finally, age 18. Cool! She'll be a freak.

(SOBBING) I am so sorry about what happened. But at least you saw what it was like to be married to me for a little while. (SOBS HARDER)

Oh, Lord, be honest ! Are we the most pathetic family in the universe or what ? Amen.

Welcome back to Pigskin Preview! Denver/Green Bay-- Who do you like? That's football, right? Well, I'm gonna take the Broncos in this game,

But immigration is what America's all about. Even the Simpson family immigrated to America. Right, Grandpa? Okay, you twisted my arm. The Simpson story begins back in the old country. I forget which one exactly.

Have a "D"-lightful summer! Five! Four! Three! Two! Don't open your mouth. One!

Can I come too? They hit it off right away, but there were rivals for the fair lady's hand. My favorite song. This is so nice. I can't remember when I felt this young.

Hey, T-shirt, T-shirt, T-shirt.

I'm sorry. I'm really not comfortable with this, Ethan. What's the matter, luv? It's just-- It's-it's the same, old, tired gags, isn't it? I mean, let's give the audience some credit. - How about a giant mousetrap? - I love it!

We may remember Troy from such films... as The Verdict Was Mail Fraud and Leper in the Backfield. With his high-profile romance,

Oh, you mean, Krusty the Clown ? He's sort of a hero of yours, isn't he ? Are you kidding ? He's my idol. I've based my whole life on Krusty's teachings.

Or when I messed up taping City S//tWers2 and cut offthe end.

Come on, wimps! These Gucci wallets have to be on the streets of Hong Kong by Friday. Bart makes it through the days relying on his unwavering belief... that Krusty the Clown will come through. Krusty is coming. Krusty is coming. Krusty's coming. But I am far more pessimistic.

Mr. Simpson, was that you taking that cowardly dive...

And I owe it all to... spring break! Whoo! Whoo! I'm an animal! Huh? Hey, where is everybody? Spring break is over. It's time to get back to our studies. The world looks to us, the college students, for leadership.

Hey, don't have a heart attack, old dude. Don't you tell me what to do, you young... whipper... snapper. And thank you most of all for nuclear power, which has yet to cause a single proven fatality.

Huh?! That's it, I'm out of here.

Oh. jacks. jacks are big. They went out for a while, but then they came roaring back. Oh, you mean that game with the little rubber ball? Oh, don't worry. You'll pick it up fast. Once you get to foursies, you're in the zone. Uh-huh. Isn't that trophy case supposed to have trophies?

Tonight on Eye on Springfield, just miles from your doorstep, hundreds of men are given weapons and trained to kill. The government calls it the army. But a more alarmist name would be: The Kill-bot Factory-- But first,

IN the gaRden of Eden honey don't you know that I love you - in the garden of Eden - baby

I look exactly the same, you moron! Oh, nonsense, Krusty.

"Design your own power plant," eh? This is my chance to show everyone how professional I am. Lenny, tell Mr. Burns I'm going home to work on the contest.

Will you marry me, Marge? You mean, I'm gonna be a daddy? I hope we'll always be together, together, together-- Together? Ooh.

Bed goes up. Bed goes down.

Well, you're a happy Homer. What's your name, young man? You just said it! Well, if you like that, listen to this. Working hard, or hardly working?

We're watchin' the TV. Man has always loved his buildings. But what happens when the buildings say, "No more"? Yes!

Hmm. Hmm ? Whoops. Third time's the charm.

Yes, you look like a man who needs help satisfying his wife. So-- Ow! I guess people have some sort of moral objection to our sex drug. Let me sell it, you "idjit." Step right up, folks,

So, "Y" equals "R" cubed over three. And if you determine the rate of change in this curve correctly, I think you will be pleasantly surprised. Don't you get it, Bart ? Derivative D-Y equals three R squared,

Homer, if I may compliment you-- Yes. Go on. That is one handsome rattlesnake you got bitin' your arm there. Yeah, it's quite fetching. But, uh, aren't you worried about the deadliness? Nah, he'll get tired of bitin' in an hour or so. Snakes-- nature's quitters.

He's got me there.

Eh-- All right. We've all got derringers. Now let's just put 'em away. Nobody here is a cheat. Cheat? Aw, geez. Man, those derringer bullets are weak.

LISA: People would be a lot happier without presents. Presents are material goods, and attachment to material goods kills the soul. (SIREN BLARING) I'm not going to jail again. I've got it! When everyone's asleep, I'll take away their presents!

The individual doesn't matter. It was a team effort. And I was the one who came up with the whole team idea.

Mmm, chocolate. D'oh! Marge, we need some more vanilla, chocolate and strawberry ice cream. I'll get some at the store tomorrow, Homer. Mmm, chocolate.

Yes, I have. You have? I gave him a couple of blintzes to paint my fence, but he never did it! Those blintzes were terrible. Paint my fence! Make me. You give me back those blintzes then! Order! Order! We don't care about your blintzes. Now, Mr. Lampwick, when Roger Myers stole your character--

What are you gonna do with your Super Bowl ring, Carl? I'll probably give it to my wife. It's our anniversary today.

Look, Smithers! Garbo is coming! Uh, yes, sir. Everyone is saying "Gabbo this" and "Gabbo that," but no one is saying "worship this" and "jericho that." What's this about Gabbo?

That wasn't so bad. Huh? Ow! Ow! Ow!

I wanna rent us up some movies. Wesley, get mama's pryin' bar. Easy does it now. Easy. Little more. Get-- Right-- Back-- I'll get your coat.

(SIREN BLARING) (SENIORS GASPING) Yo, yo, yo! Give it up for M.C. Birthday! I say a birth, a day, a birth-a-de-day Now my good time gang will blow you away (ALL SCREAMING) Never leave the day room. Never leave the day room.

Whoa. I gotta replace that window.

I'll just run alongside the train as it speeds you from my life. Good-bye, Lisa honey !

All right! Now let's get this carcass over to the hospital and carve it up for organs. Dibs on the liver!

I'm tired. I'm hungry. Can't we just buy a new house? Oh, Bart, cleaning doesn't have to be a chore. Here, work to the music. You load 16 tons and what do you get Another day older and deeper in debt Amen, Ernie.

That's not funny, Homer! Yeah! We were just messin' around, and you had to go too far!

I wouldn't have voted for him, but it's nice to have a celebrity in the neighborhood. Wait a minute. If Lisa didn't vote for him, and I didn't vote for him-- You didn't vote for anybody. I voted for Prell to go back to the old glass bottle. After that, I became deeply cynical.

Hi, honey. How are you? Well, actually-- Oh, I can't go on with this charade any longer. I hate my job, I hate my life... and ever since I found out about this baby, there's been nothing but bad luck. My contractions started an hour ago. It's just in one ear and out the other with you, isn't it, Marge?

Yes! I'm in. Hmm? Everybody's been dumped but me. I'm "un-dumpable." Yoink. My tennis stick. - Who are you? - I'm Andre Agassi. The wrestler? Come on, tubby. Get off the court. Scat!

Hey, I'll tell you one thing... (UNINTELLIGIBLE GIBBERISH) No war. Shalom. ANNOUNCER: Followed by Chloe's triumphant return to her depressing little hometown, Springfield. Hello, Ned. Hey, Comic Book Guy.

On the good ship lollipop it's A sweet trip to A candy shop where bonbons--

(GRUNTING) Hey! I'm Bart Simpson's father. And I'm sick of you teaching my son your time-tested values.

Oh, this is a shell that, to me-- this is just me talking-- it looks like a helmet for a mouse. Now that sounds crazy, right? But if you ask the mice about it, they don't say nothin'. I mean, they run the other way. At first I was just fishin' with the helmet thing,

Chief Wiggum. Oh, you sure got a lot of copies of the paper. Yeah, I need to housebreak our new police dog. Plus, it couldn't hurt Ralphie to brush up on the fundamentals. Daddy says I'm this close to living in the yard. Doesn't anybody in this town read?

There's the enemy. Give them all you got. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love glue! I love you! Aw! Such a sweet little thing. Time to destroy your future.

Son, are you okay? I brought a homemade first aid kit! It's spring-loaded for quick access. (SCREAMING) Oh...

Oh, Lisa, you and your stories. "Bart is a vampire." "Beer kills brain cells." Now, let's go back to that... building thingy... where our beds and TV... is.

Now you see, Gramps, I wanna customize the bus. You know, chop the top, jack it up, put mag wheels on it, psychedelic paint job from hell, man. Jam the kids to school at 150 miles an hour, you know. Here's an artist rendering. Note the cobra wrapped around the naked chick. Next ! Oh.

And he's going to take us to a wonderful new planet. Oh, this Leader-- He sounds like a grand fella. Willie, I'm not sure we're making any headway here. Would you shut up, woman. He's talking about my leader. Uh, maybe we should take a little break-a-rooney, huh? Anyone like a draft beer? Beer?

Sold! Hey, you can't that many pep pills at once.

Lisa broke her own record by two whole pluses. Mom! Where did you get that? It just turned up in the course of my daily rummaging. By the way, I oiled the hinge on your diary. Aren't you proud of your big sister, Mr. Pinchy? Hmm? Hmm? Oh! I am sick of everyone being so proud of me!

Only the top human players could beat it. Hey, what's this one for? Oh!

Mr. Burns has left the building.

Now, come on. Give your putter a name. What ?

Oh, that's a noodle-scratcher. Oh! Cornstarch! Oh, rightio! It's good for keeping down the urges.

Which unfortunately was filled with peanuts, to which I am allergic. (INCOHERENT BABBLING) I ran outside just as a circus was rolling into town. (CYMBALS PLAYING) (INCOHERENT BABBLING)

Your fingers are so slender, so feminine. They're far too tapered for the ball you're using. You need something lighter. More delicate. Here. Use my ball. No. No, thank you, Mr., um, Brunswick. Call me jacques. jacques. Marge.

I sentence you to 200 hours of community service.

Why ain't I here? I'm a bigger name than... Chaim Potok! What is he? Some kind of Klingon? I'm gonna get to the bottom of this. Well, of course you deserve a star, Krusty. Let me just ask you a few questions. Full name?

Let's stay here for a while, Vern. Oh, that man is so rude. Yeah.

see my vest made from real gorilla Chest feel this sweater there's no better than authentic Irish setter see this hat, 'twas my Cat my evening wear vampire Bat these white slippers are albino African endangered rhino grizzly bear underwear turtles' necks I've got my share

Went by the name of Homer. Seven feet tall he was, with arms like tree trunks. And his eyes were like steel, cold and hard. Had A shock of hair, red, like the fires of hell.

This job sure is easy. Now to press this button. Not again! Angry Dad, you're fired.

I sure like the cut of your gibberish. (RAPIDLY INTERLOCKING DOODLIES, DIDDLIES)

Here's my address book. Go get those stars!

Okay, right after dinner it's down to business. Mmm. Marge, would you get me another beer, please ? In a second, Homer. Lisa has some good news. He doesn't care, Mom. Sure I do. I just wanna have a beer while I'm caring. Bart ? Homer ! Go ahead, Lisa. Okay. I got an "A" on my vocabulary test.

Okay, now, everyone, give me five laps and hit the showers. Oh, Rod, you don't have to. You're cut. But I can't play quarterback. I don't even know how. Son, you can do anything you want. I have total faith in you. Since when? Since your mother yelled at me. Now how about that hug?

Chauffeur. Seamstress. Curator of large mammals? Marge, have you seen my lunch box? Oh, I see. Mom, they expect you to lie a little. "Worked for the Carter Administration"?

Hey, boys it's the wild weekend We did it then and we'll do it again We're having fun and we just got started This is terrible. The whole point of coming down here was for you to get some rest.

Whee! Lou! Lou! Are you all right? The electric yellow has got me by the brain banana. I see.

Take him out! Whoa! My bad. Hey, there they are!

We don't have a prayer! And like Icarus, the rocket foolishly soared too high...

Come here, Maggie.

(CRYING) Hola, senor. We are gringos who wish to spend mucho dinero in your country.

Ah... won't happen again. There was one boy who trusted me all along. - Bart? - Yes, sir? Thank you. Oh, yeah. Cancel it!

That he doesn't really understand Ahh maybe I'm A man maybe you're the only woman who Can ever help me baby, won't you help me understand oooh

Marge, dogs love the outdoors. I think he needs a doghouse. What can you do? I bet we could buy a nice doghouse for $50. Marge, you're a tool of the doghouse makers. I am not. Yes, you are.

Right after happy hour!

Oh, that's okay. The kid don't bother me none. Hey, Nelson. Say hello to Moe. He said he'd take you camping sometime. (CHUCKLES) I said I might. Hey, kids. I just heard they canceled league night down at the bowling alley. You know what that means? Open lanes!

Now, where did I put my badge? Hey, that duck's got it! Oh, come on. Come on. Give it back. I need it. Aww, keep it.

Hmm. Kids, stop that! Don't make me get the carny!

I'll do it. I'll rob the Kwik-E-Mart. All right, put your-- D'oh! Oh, well, I'll rob it next time.

I was wrong to have a dream, wrong as usual.

Why, what fascinating behavior. I-I must document this new activity. Dr. Bushwell! What, these? Well, they were a graduation present. Unbelievable. This shaft must be five miles deep.

Take that and that and-- Oh! I'm paralyzed. I just hope medical science can cure me. Why? Why was I programmed to feel pain? Technocrats are learning a lesson in humility tonight,

Slip and fall? Cant go back to work? I'm Larry H. Lawyer, Jr., and I will fight for you. I also habia espanoi So that's your answer. I'll sue the church.

I guess there's only one way out of our problems-- a murder-suicide pact.

I feel so empty, so alone, so couchless. Wow! The Spinemelter 2000. Give me full power. But, sir... Damn it!

Oh, my God. I don't believe it ! It's really you ! The Capital City Goofball ! Hello, Dancin' Homer. Glad to have you aboard. If there's anything I can do for ya, just squeeze the wheeze. The fifth inning will be yours. Everyone is settled in,

You have 24 hours to give us our money. And to show you we're serious, you have 12 hours. See you at 6:00 a.m.

brownest of the brown liquors, so tempting. What's that? You want me to drink you? But I'm in the middle of a trial. Excuse me.

Ooh-la-la! Today's selections are: Chef Roderigo, what are you up to?

So Long Athletics, Art, and Music. Care for a t-shirt? T-shirt? Why don't you just give me a sandwich board that says "male prostitute"? (EMBARRASSED LAUGH) Forgive me, sir. (GASPING) They've taken everything. Oh, no. (WEEPING)

- Lemonade ? Please. - Seen it. Cleans and straightens your teeth-- Seen it. Seen it. Seen it. I was poor like you-- Ugh, soccer. Seen it.

I wonder who lives in that house.

Naturally, we can't see your comet in broad daylight and without a telescope. But you don't need a stupid telescope. It's right there. Oh, no, no, no, no! This isn't right at all! It must be coming toward us at a fantastic speed! Huh? Don't you realize what's happening, Bart?

When a man loves a woman Which one are you? The man or the woman?

That little sneak disobeyed us and went to that hip-hop festival! If that's true, he's gonna be like NWA. Not Without Ass-welts.

Get out of the car, Homer. You cant just leave me out here! There's not another woman for miles! Sorry, Dad. Maybe now youll appreciate us. While you’re spending the week at- Rock and roll fantasy camp!

Me too. Hey, what instrument to you play? The sax. Me too. - I'm going for first chair this year. - Me too. Wow! With so much in common, I'm sure we'll be the best of friends. Me too. Me too. Hurry up and finish eating. You're steering fine, boy.

- Am I turning you on? - No. What if I undo this button? Good night, Homer. What if I talk like this? What if I sing to you?

TEENAGER: Oh, no! Okay, Mr. Teeny, before the cops come, swallow all these illegal pills, then run to the vet. (TEENY CHATTERING) (MUTTERING)

It was either Pops Freshenmeyer... or Homer Simpson.

How many times can you laugh at that cat getting hit by the moon? - It's a new episode. - Not exactly. They pieced it together from old shows, and it seems new to the trusting eyes of impressionable youth. Really? Ren and Stimpy do it all the time. Yes, they do, and when was the last time... you heard anyone talk about Ren and Stimpy?

Hey, everybody, look! Armin Tamzarian's back! And he's gonna take over the school again! Now, hold on. Armin Tamzarian is an unsavory character who played us all for chumps. All right, all right. So he's a fraud.

beautiful friend This is the end My only friend the end Weird scenes inside the gold mine

How can you like that guy? I don't know. Maybe 'cause he's an outlaw. You know that dead body they found behind the mayor's house? jimbo killed him? No, but he poked him with a stick. Hey, Laura, Dr. Tongue has arrived.

Then that's what I'll do, smart guy. Can we see the elephant? We'll pay you money. For the ninth time, no! Wait a minute. This gives me an idea.

You enjoy orange juice. Old people like you. Dad, what do you think? Shh! I'm trying to teach the baby to gamble. Why? I got a job at Burns's casino. As you know, it's been my lifelong dream to become a blackjack dealer. Your lifelong dream was to be a contestant on The Gong Show. And you did it in 1977. Remember?

What do you want? I came to see the kids. Wait here... and don't steal any light bulbs. Hmm... - Dad! - Dad! Hey, kids. You haven't seen Maggie around, have you? Hmm-mm. Hmm-mm. Oh... Well, I got to go.

I only have one thing to say to that- Bravo. Huh? We clashed lances on the Champs de Mars, and I have been bested. The plant is yours. Treat her well. - Mr. Burns? - Yes? Eat crowd, old man!

Mr. Mayor, you cant flip-flop on this. We'll miss the meteor shower. I dont know how you keep getting past security. Luigi, I appreciate your courtesy valet service. I made a note on your card in my Rolodex. "Dont whack." Thank you, Fat Tony. Thank you.

Sprungfeld must have taken it with him when he ran off after the fight. Exactly. This celebration is a sham.

You may keep my posterior. Just please return the "Jabba the Butt" tattoo.

'cause you're a mail lady, and you know my name and address and everything, huh ? That's right. Well, I'm still gonna run ! I want the whole world to hear the story... of my harrowing struggle with hypohemia. Well, sir, Mr. Roman is one of the finest ghostwriters in the business. He's written, Like Hell I Can't,

Did you hear that, people? Apu asked about crotch stuffing. Now, I dont do it. Kenny Loggins does. I trusted you! J; Now, a guitar has many, many nicknames: an ax, a gitbox- I guess that's it.

Let's just say it moved me...

You can still win money if you have five out of six. Woo-hoo! And the second number is three. D'oh!

Where's the hose? Bringing up the rear. Oh! Are you as excited as I am? Oh, yeah! Well, here goes.

Nothing about satellite fires. Let's just spray it with water already. That's the end of your loony tune, Drugs Bunny. You're under arrest for astro-vandalism. And may God help you if that thing carried the Spice Channel!

HAWKING: Badda-bing, badda-boom. And we're done.

Marge, I've got 2½ words for you. Gulp 'n' Blow. Yeah, what do you want? My husband by my side. You want fries with that? Homer?! Marge?!

You fool! Now we may never know... if ants can be trained to sort tiny screws in space. Some good news, gentlemen. We have quite a treat for you. We've been able to coax superstar James Taylor in here to Mission Control... to wish you well and play you a little of his own brand... of laid-back, adult contemporary music. Wow, former president james Taylor. How ya doin', fellas?

Hey, Mom. How 'bout some grub ? Aaah !

That just limits you to three handguns or less. Whoo-hoo! Close your eyes, Marge. I've got a surprise for you. Mmm! Okay, open your eyes.

Whoa! - Oh, you dog. - It is my mother! Oh, no. Oh, no. What am I going to do? What's the big problem? But don't you see? She is here to meet my wife. The wife that I told her I had. I do not have a wife!

Hi. I'm Diablo. What's your name?

Marge! Oh, Homie!

So, every year, on one lone, conscience-salving day, we toss these people... a bone. A turkey bone. And that's supposed to make it all better. No, you won't find Freddie the Freeloader or Emmet Kelly... or even Charlie Chaplin's beloved Little Tramp down here. Pompous, blow-dried college boy !

Maggie, give me that!

Back to slavin'. Man, captivity blows. Talk to the whip. On your knees, ya mugs! It's the pharaoh!

No, Dad. Please don't pawn the TV. Oh, come on, Dad, anything but that. Homer, couldn't we pawn my engagement ring instead ? Now, I appreciate that, honey, but we need $150 here ! Afternoon, Simpson. What can I do for ya ?

Well, weve settled that argument. You cant read a magazine and drive. Look, Junior, I expect this to be fixed with quality GM parts. But your car was built in Croatia. ts made from old Soviet tanks. Just fix it, Mr. Sass-wrench.

Come and get your diploma. Why don't you mail it to your butt? Bart, now that you've graduated, I can finally say this. You really press my cider. (ALL GASP) (MUSIC PLAYING) Yo, Bart, good to see you're back with Jenda.

Well, this muscle shirt's a pretty good find. Dad, that's a sports bra. All I know is I'm finally getting the support I need.

As Roger Meyers Jr., the owner of the park, I'd like to thank you for stopping the killer robots. And to show my appreciation, here are two free passes. But there are five of us. Here are two free passes. - That's better. - Man, if this is happening here, I hate to think what's happening in Euro Itchy and Scratchy Land.

Aaah! Aaah! - Stop! Stop! - Hmm. I seem to have mashed more hair into it. Oh, well. Ice cubes are useless, man. Chewing gum's got to be chewed out. Does the whole town have to hear about this? Arr! Have ye tried a Baltic squid?

And George Jefferson, wherever you are, we love you and want you to come home. Well, we're movin' on up Movin' on up To the east side Movin' on up To a deluxe apartment in the sky

Ah, what a gyp. They're all just lyin' around. Do something! Bart, they're not here to entertain us. I've seen plays that were more exciting than this. Honest to God. Plays!

Ew, that's gross. - Come on. - Please. Now, Marge, don't you worry. We've all had our brushes with the law. Are you Ed Flanders? No, Ned Flanders. My mistake.

And why did Humpty Dumpty have a great fall? Because he took his eyes off the prize? That's right. You stay on the ball, you stay on the wall.

You have no choice. There's coffee in the thermos. This is boring. Can't we go home? This overpass smells like urine. They all do. Fresh urine! Hey! The bathroom's a block away! (ZIPS PANTS) MONA: Homer Simpson?

Oh, we had another fight over the inflatable bath pillow. I kept screeching and screeching at him, but-- All right, very good. Who knows how the Skinners could have resolved this problem? Without resorting to violence. Or childish name-calling.

That's what we learned about. I sure as hell can't tell you about hell unless I say "hell," can I ? The lad has a point. Hell, yes ! Bart ! Hell, hell, hell, hell hell, hell, hell, hell Hell, hell, hell, hell Bart, you're no longer in Sunday school. Don't swear !

It's as easy as crushing an ant. You know the... (GRUNTING) Whoa! Take my wallet and leave me alone!

But her forehead's on fire! Fine. I'll be in the car, driving home. Well, if it isn't that stupid cop from TV. Ah, yeah, that got it. - That's Homer Simpson. - Hey, that's Homer Simpson! Your catchphrase is hysterical.

Eh, sorry about my unenlightened brother.

1-800-U-SNITCH. No, U-SQUEAL. Oh, no ! Don't forget to tell me when you see the Offramp. Oh, there it-- went. No problemo. We'll just get off at the next exit.

The babies look unhappy. Add more balls.

Amen. And I hope that from this day forward, we all learn to take Bart's message of tolerance and understanding to heart. We believe that God's last prophet, Bart Simpson, preached a message of tolerance and love.

And we should all be thankful to Michael, Peter, and Mike... for supplying this beautiful turkey made entirely of tofu. Tofu and gluten. I'm thankful I ate before I came. Oh, come on, Bart. Smell those curds. Mmm, curds.

Hey, that's my pop up there ! Dad, watch out ! Whoa, easy ! Don't drop me. - Be careful. - Homer ! Homer ! Homer !

- Ow! - Look out! Oh, no. I'm gonna go off the end of the-- D'oh!

and although I have stolen your material goods, let me assure you that your dear town has stolen my heart. Aww! Oh, he's so charming. Let's let him go. Yeah! Oh, sorry, folks. Gee, I really hate to spoil this little love-in, but Mr. Malloy broke the law.

Yes. Dead tired. But I'm quite refreshed now. Thank you. Mm-hmm. You bossed around the richest, most powerful guy in town? How come you were a sergeant and he was only a private?

Ew! Gross! I bet you can't twist it. Of course I can twist it. I'm great. (BART SCREAMING)

Why not write a musical about the common cat or the king of Siam? Give it up, Smithers. Actually, sir, we've been booked into a small theater in New Mexico. Whoa. Whoa. Slow down there, maestro. There's a new Mexico? Yes. I want to go there and make my dream come true. I'll just be gone for a week.

My, these seas are certainly heaving. No more than your bountiful bosom, milady.

And a fine job you did too.

Hope you enjoyed that, kids, 'cause Krusty's outta here for the summer. In the meantime, we'll be running-- "Klassic Krusty." Enjoy!

And the bureaucrats in the state capital can put that in their pipes and smoke it. Oh, Mom, that felt awful. I'm sorry, dear. It will all be over soon. But, Mom, we've become the tools of evil. Lisa, you're learning many lessons tonight, and one of them is to always give your mother the benefit of the doubt.

Live from the Springfield Center For the Performing Arts, the wrestling match of the century !

Huh! Hope I wasn't out of line with that "jerk-face" crack. Huh!

(MEOWS) Nelson, what are you doing out this late? My mom ditched me. She went to Hollywood to be an actress. But her range is limited.

Whoo-hoo! Oh, Marge, that's great news! Hey, hey, there with the personal call, Simpson! Oh, uh, but, Mr. Milhouse, my little girl's getting married. Lisa? Oh, my one true love. It's not you, Milhouse. I just don't plan to ever get married.

Skinner said the teachers will crack any minute purple monkey dishwasher. Well, we'll show him, especially for that purple monkey dishwasher remark.

Oh, where can he be ? Marge ! Marge ! Homer ! There's no time to explain. Love you. Love you. Love you. I wrote a poem for you this afternoon, Homer. - It's called "To a Husband." - Okay, okay.

Above the old routine Make it nice Play it clean Jazzman

Lisa! Lisa! D'oh! This is no good. I've gotta get up higher.

It can be two things.

Oh, those Golden Grahams Oh, those Golden Grahams

We don't have to play football, do we, Daddy? Oh, you betcha. Team sports will keep you away from temptations like rock music and girls. Yea! You know, Milhouse, you are getting a little doughy. Ah, can't I just have the surgery?

Hey, Lis, bang, bang! Aw, Bart...

Martin, in light of this fiasco, you're going to have to resign as president. I'll have that milk now. Easy there. That's whole milk. I'm a private citizen now! I can drink what I like! You won't have Martin Prince to kick around anymore!

Dad, wake up! Your snoring is disturbing the dancers. Hmm! How can you embarrass me like this? You won't sit through anything that doesn't have car crashes! I'm sorry, honey. Geez, why is Lisa so mad at me?

(MUNCHING) Hello? Octopuses, I'm done. Am I the only one here who's in horrible pain? You're the only one who won't shut up about it! What a delicious meal. I feel like I'm going to burst.

Bingo! Birthday card! - Graduation! - Ding-ding-ding! Wedding! I'm sure you all heard of the dead letter office. Well, as a souvenir of your visit, you can each help yourself to one piece of undeliverable mail.

Well, well, well w-w-Well, w-w-well Well, well, w-w-w-well Well, well, well, well More. Come along. Keep going. More. More. Right there. Let her go.

Bart, I think you'd look very sharp in this shirt. Fine. Get it. Let's go. No, no, no. You have to try it on. Ooh, this one's 50% off. That's because people who wear them get beaten up. Well, anyone who would do that isn't your friend.

Buddy Can you spare a dime Huh ? What the-- Uh, Mr. Burns ? Aah !

I'm gonna pretend that I didn't hear that,

So, Lenny, let's say you pull a thorn out of the pope's butt, and he grants you one wish. What'll it be? Hmm. Only one, huh? Well, I've always wondered what it would feel like to wear somethin' that's been ironed.

A million dollars. Ooh ! Oh !

Are any of those my size? Extra-extra-extra-extra-extra, (INHALES) extra-extra large? Here you go, Chief. "Proud Nubian Princess." Score! (MOANS) It's no fair. I just started and I'm out of business.

Onward, Christian soldiers Marching As to war... They're singing again. Lousy neighbors. Wish I was deaf.

I hate Carl Reiner!

Lisa! Mom, where'd you get that car? I stole it from McBain after I cut off your father's thumb. Can you take me to school, please?

Stop right there!

Psych! (LAUGHS)

Hi, Bart. My nose makes its own bubble gum. Just get in here!

Mm-mmm. Marge Simpson, you give us no choice but to declare you utterly-- I'm not insane! You didn't let me finish. Insane!

(GUN COCKS) Come on! Shoot me a new one! Ooh. I'm so scared. Ned Flanders is pointing a gun at me! You couldn't even shoot me by accident, even if I whacked the barrel like this! Blip-blip-blip. (LAUGHING) Blip-blip-blip.

Mr. Simpson, give me your license. Burn their poop.

if you cut every corner you'll have more time For play It's the American way

Hey! What the-- Hey! Hey! You're taking our grease! It's our grease now. We run the grease racket in this town. Hey, that's my shovel! We also run the shovel racket.

Francis of Assisi.

Hey! I got that for my birthday. Now I have to face stupid reality again. Flanders! My socks feel dirty. Give me some water to wash 'em. Again? Homer, we have to ration the water carefully. It's our only hope. Oh, pardon me, Mr. Let's Ration Everything. What do you think we're floatin' on?

Oh, boy, free beer! Oh, man. (CHUCKLES) Easy, Barney. Easy. Remember the 12 Steps. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10,11,12. (GRUNTS) Nice try, boys.

Like this, from the book of... "P-salms." "God will shatter the heads of his enemies, "the hairy crown of those who walk in their guilty ways, that you may bathe your feet in blood." As true today as it was when it was written.

Gabriel, are you okay? Yes. But I'm afraid your lunch has attracted some unwanted visitors.

Whoops. Whoops. Whoops. This is gonna be the best birthday breakfast Mom every had.

Marge, it's not a real kidnapping. It's a simple hoax to win a father's love. You know how I feel about hoaxes. Still? I want you to take Larry back to Mr. Burns right now, before you get in a lot of trouble. What, but, but--

You'll love it. It's not quite breakfast, it's not quite lunch, but it comes with a slice of cantaloupe at the end. You don't get completely what you would at breakfast, but you get a good meal.

Yeah, your wife's gonna look pretty good in that, Chief. Yeah. She's a super lady. I can't believe we've been arrested for murder.

Go ahead-a, Bart. Take-a the Bonestorm. The store, she's so rich she'll-a never notice.

Deploy, damn you! Deploy!

and get back my Most Improved Odor trophy! You're a comedy writer? My God, you're so old. I want my check! You're a writer, all right. Here you go, Simpson. I want another one! You're a funny guy. How would you like a staff job? I'll start you at $800 a week.

When is that boy going to apologize ? He sure is stubborn. Homer was never stubborn. He always folded instantly over anything. It was as if he had no will of his own. Isn't that true, Homer ? Yes, Dad.

Oh, nuts! We lost him. I told you we shouldn't have gone for long-term parking. Hey, look! It's Elton john! We had to make an emergency landing. It's that damn chandelier again. What's he doing in Springfield? I got it. I got it! Apu must've hired him to sing for Manjula.

(BRAKES SCREECHING) Your stop! Ahhh! (SNOWBALL II MEOWING) Shame on you two creeps! It's your fault for giving birth to my archenemy! At least I was planned!

I missed you during my uneventful absence. Oh, Lisa, you and your stories. "Bart is a vampire." "Beer kills brain cells." Now, let's go back to that... building thingy... where our beds and TV... is.

Wait. I've got an idea. - An idea? - Huh?

Hey. They need volunteers to play old-timey people in the parade. Look. I can be a butter churner, a typhoid carrier, an apprentice! I think I'll be an apprentice, Marge. What kind of apprentice? That's for my master to decide. How about town crier? You'd be great at that. You think so? Well, yeah, Dad. You're a big, fat loudmouth,

Marge, it's public TV. They never have anything good. Where are the Geraldos? Where are the Eubankses-ses? They need our support. Besides, they gave me two tickets to the ballet. The ballet? Whoo-hoo! You like ballet? Marjorie, please. I enjoy all the meats of our cultural stew.

Whoa, bull's-eye. Bart, why did you burn my centerpiece ? Aw, come on. Was it because you hate me or because you're bad ? I don't know. I don't know why I did it ! I don't know why I enjoyed it ! And I don't know why I'll do it again ! just tell me you're sorry ! Why should I ?

Are you tired of having your hands cut off by snowblowers... and the inevitable heart attacks that come with shoveling snow? Uh-huh. Then call Klondike 5-3226. Call now and receive a free T-shirt. He could still surprise ya. But I'm a real tightwad. Can I afford this remarkable system?

Ignore. Ignore. ANNOUNCER: You are a big man. Big man! (GASPS) What? There's a ladybug in your hair. Get it out! Get it out! Got it.

Hello, there's more. "In case you can't tell, I'm being sarcastic. "You stink. You are a senile, buck-toothed old mummy... with bony girl arms, and you smell like an elephant's butt !" Hey, come on, joey ! - You have to twist my arm ? - Homer,

Now go get' em ! All right, you eggheads ! I want a place in this car to put my drink ! Sir, the car has a beverage holder. Hello ! Hello, Einstein ! I said a place to put my drink. You know those Super Slakers they sell in the Quik-E-Mart ? The cup is this big !

Simpson, Homer Simpson He's the greatest guy in history From the town of Springfield He's about to hit a chestnut tree

That's a shame. He had one day left till retirement.

professional baseballers.

It's not all your fault. All these years, I watched you turn our son into a time bomb, and yet I did nothing. So in a way, I too am a victim... Of you. You're a great mom. You were always there for Bart with love and support.

Yes, you were, jimmy. Yes, you were. Ow. You're hurting me. They can't seriously expect us to swallow that tripe. Now as a special treat, courtesy of our friends at the meat council, please help yourselves to this tripe.

"Who's gonna straighten out all these artistic abominations?" Your friends? A neighbor? Those fat cats in Washington? Good luck. Hey, you know, maybe no one'll notice. Maybe the problem will just fix itself. Now you're the one who's being naive.

Oh, well, when I was six, my father took me on a picnic. That was a gay old time.

You'll love it. It's not quite breakfast, it's not quite lunch, but it comes with a slice of cantaloupe at the end. You don't get completely what you would at breakfast, but you get a good meal. - I don't think so. - Marge, darling, there are ten pins in my heart. You've knocked over eight.

Stupid sexy Flanders! Ow! My leg! This is the worst pain ever!

And you fans are all plowed This is an outrage! The Cavalry Kids must hate America. Hey, show some respect. My dad died in some war. You call this a large beer?

Secretary of partying down! Yes! Take that, Bitterman! Homie, here are the responses from the colleges you applied to.

Ah. Homer, that's your solution to everything-- to move under the sea. It's not gonna happen. Not with that attitude.

Those are very elaborate sneakers. They better be, for 125 big ones. Doh ! - $125 ? - Bart ! - Aah ! Homer ! I thought we agreed to consult each other before any major purchases. Well, you bought all those smoke alarms, and we haven't had a single fire. Mmmm !

I'm blind. Oh, well. Easy come, easy go. It's the cat burglar! Please don't kill me! Abe, can I borrow your ointment? Oh, it's you, Malloy. All right. But this time clean off the applicator!

You'd better. Hey, you're stealing my trailer! I like that. Well, first up is the State of Florida versus the Simpson family.

Homer Simpson ! Sorry, partner. I didn't recognize you at first. Ladies and gentlemen, it's an honor... to have a real swinging cat with us tonight. Homer Simpson, party guy. Mr. Maestro.

Look here, boy. The secret is to take tiny bites, like so. Mmm! Mmm! Mmm!

Marge is completely innocent. The only thing she's guilty of is loving too much... the murder I did. Hmm. Congratulations, Mrs. Simpson. Your husband confessed to everything. You're free to go.

It's a ringtoss game.

(BOTH LAUGHING) Lisa, that's not funny. You believe in the Bill of Rights. I don't know whether it's the lack of sleep, the sodium pentothal,

Fortunately, we've had a couple of recent freak-outs, so that freed up a couple of bunks. Freak-outs? If, uh, that happens, are we still charged for the entire semester? Our high standards challenge students to reach their full potential. Look at how disciplined they are. They're just like the terra-cOtta warriors of Xi'an.

I'll never get rid of it. It'll follow me to the ends of the earth! All right! My bumper fell off!

Oh, yuck. Meat loaf. My most hated of all loafs.

What was that? Oh, we call that-- Sorry. Fish bone in my throat. We call that "earthquake."

and you're too damn stupid to know what to do, just keep your fool mouth shut. At least that way, you won't make things worse. Hmm. Good advice.

Huh? Huh? Hmm? Marge! What a lovely surprise.

No. Disney World? Uh-uh. Universal Studios? 'Fraid not. Leisure World? Sorry, Grampa. Gator Gulch? You wish. Leisure World? Grampa, you're not even going. Wait a minute. I know where we're going. Oh, it's horrible!

that the Bowlarama is back in business at its new location, teetering over the Carter Dixon Tunnel. Reverend Lovejoy, with all that's, uh, happened to us today, uh, you know, i-i kind of feel like job.

See? She's having the time of her life.

Hiya, Homer. What's the matter, Moe?

I have given Manjula many gifts including a bouquet of flowers, diamond earrings, and we're going to see Paris Hilton in Paris.

Let me show you why you and all protesters are wrong. All right. Nuclear power helps heat that orphanage and keeps that hospital humming. But what about wind power? It's cheap and safe.

Oh ! Aw, Homer ! Aw, Dad ! Uh-oh, school bus ! Cool your jets, man. We're comin'. You forgot the special lunches I made. That's okay, Mom ! We got money !

I wanted to apologize. I don't know exactly what went wrong, but I know it's always my fault.

I mean, whatever doesn't kill me can only make me stronger. Oh, no. Quite the opposite. It's made you weak as a kitten.

Wow. Musical instrument? Could that be a way to encourage a gifted child?

Welcome to lecture number eight on the water balloon.

Bart, assume the position. Ohh ! Bart.

So, like us, let your children run wild and free, because, as the old saying goes, "Let your children run wild and free."

Tell me, was the roof in good condition when you bought the house? I didn't really check. I mainly bought this house for the view. Someday that bowl will overflow, and I'll be there. Okay, kids. We only have time for a quick visit to Grampa.

The old gray mare She ain't what she used to be ain't what she used to be Miss Midler, I can't believe you do this all by yourself. We're Americans. We deserve clean highways.

Yes, eventually I become king of the Morlocks. But Morlocks are from the future. You calling me a liar? Wait a minute, Homer. If it's true, what about all the stuff you weren't around for? Yeah. How'd you know the Chinese were spying on you? I just naturally assumed. That is the stupidest story I ever heard. And I've read the entire Sweet Valley High series.

Oh, man. Two dollars !

There's a hole in my heart as deep as a well For that poor little boy who sunk halfway to hell Though we can't get him out we'll do the next best thing

How could you make me Baby Stink Breath and not even tell me? l was going to tell you on my deathbed. Honey, you did have a great time doing those commercials... and you made a lot of money. I did? Where is it? Your father invested it in a college trust fund...

Oh, that Homer-- always getting into trouble.

Lov-- Thank you for nothing. You're all terrible!

Yeah. just relax and be yourself. Oh, that's a relief.

Heal. Heal. Heal! Oh, Doctor! With S.U. behind and seconds left, my supply of homespun sayings is lower than a doodlebug in Aunt Tillie's root cellar. So we'll-- Oh, jumpin' crawdaddies! is that Lubchenko coming back on the field?

But he-- But you can't-- Oh, my medication!

And good-bye! You're fired!

Yes. My attorneys have advised me to pay you... for running over your child, so I'm cutting you a check. Really ? Great ! One hundred dollars.

Even stink beetles? Especially stink beetles. Whoa, cool! God is so "in your face." - Yeah. He's my favorite fictional character. - Ooh. It's so late. You kids have to go to bed. But the flood's only knee high.

I found a dollar while I was waiting for the bus. While you were out earning that dollar, you lost $40 by not going to work. The plant called and said if you don't come in tomorrow, don't bother coming in Monday. Whoo-hoo! Four-day weekend!

If you can think of a better way to get ice, I'd like to hear it. Yeah. He's got us there. Beats me. Hey, Apu, this bag of ice has a head in it. Ooh, a head bag! Those are chock-full of... heady goodness.

I know who'll save him.

Congratulations. D'oh!

Hola, senor. We are gringos who wish to spend mucho dinero in your country. - Splendid. Welcome to Canada. - D'oh!

All right. It says here we can learn watch repair in eight one-hour lessons. Boy, that took forever. Yeah. Well, I work better in a structured environment. Here goes nothing.

Ah, Simpson, there's someone I want you to meet-- Aristotle Amadopolis owner of Shelbyville's nuclear power facility. Huh? What? Ari's been having terrible worker problems.

Oh, yeah Our topless story-- President Clinton has launched a new Web site. Uh-oh. Wait. Let me guess. WWW dot-- dot--

Hey! Hey! My class ring! Oh, thanks a lot. Hey! An Indian casino! God bless Native America!

Celibacy? I was talking about the meat on Friday thing! Man, you guys got more crazy rules than Blockbuster Video! Well, that's true. But if you do break a rule, you can always find absolution in the sacrament of confession. Wait, wait, wait. No matter what I did, no matter how many people lost their pensions, it's forgiven like that?

Or is it that you girls can't admit you have a problem?

Gun it, Flanders! It won't start. Something's draining the battery. Sorry.

Okay, that was not cool. We need to lay down some ground rules.

It was an alien! It appeared in front of me and said, "Don't be afraid"! Have you been drinking? No! Well, 10 beers. I'm telling you I saw a creature from another planet. Maybe you just dreamed it. Oh, yeah?

Okay, okay. It's your sugar, Bart. That impostor!

How's your back, Homie? I can't complain. Nah, that's for the prisoners. You can complain all you want. Oh, God, my back! It hurts so much!

When Homer sold his soul for a doughnut, he found out that hell isn't all it's cracked up to be... in these never-before-broadcast scenes.

Well, Daddy will figure it out. Oh! We can't touch it, Dad. It's behind a velvet rope. A velvet rope. Lisa, you can't go this far and then not go further.

Oh, no. My recurring nightmare is coming true. There are many people I'd like to thank for this award. My wife Anjelica Houston. This is for you, Angie. We did it! ROBOT: Speeches cannot be longer than 30 seconds. (SCREAMS) Now, a tribute to those who have left us this past year.

Yes? I'd like to buy all these toys for some needy children. Is this enough dirty, dirty money? Why, it most certainly is! Mr. Costington, something quite wonderful has happened.

Don't kid yourself, jimmy. If a cow ever got the chance, he'd eat you and everyone you care about.

But thanks to Insta-Trace, we've learned it's Homer Simpson of 742 Evergreen Terrace. Why did I register with Insta-Trace?

In an hour, everyone will know. Ah, another perfect day... in my perfect life with my perfect job. Hey, just heard the news over the squawk box. That's nice work, Homer. Thank you. Thank you very much. It is nice work.

Now calm down. I'll just unlock it with this coat hanger. Oh, God! It's baby blood!

Welcome back to Inside the Actors Studio. We've met Rainier Wolfcastle, actor, novelist, barbecue sauce spokesman. Now can we meet... McBain?

as Tawanga, the Santa Claus of the South Seas. Ooh, it's Lisa ! That's ours.

There's nothing to eat for breakfast! You gotta improvise, Lisa. Cloves, Tom Collins mix, frozen pie crust-- Mmm! Maybe Mom just doesn't realize we miss her.

I'm no supervising technician. I'm a technical supervisor. I've never done anything worthwhile in my life. I'm a big, worthless nothing. There, there, Homer. You'll find a job.

Mmm, McNuggets. f Sia vering f i ii get those no-good indians. .. - fast as sure as my favorite book is- - f Homer's Voice] Magazines. f Homer Snoring f

Everybody's naughty... and... freeze finish! .r Ow. And no matter where you are... always say it's the wildest town in the whole damn world. So when you said it in Springfield last year, you didnt mean it? Yeah, sure I did. But only because Springfield really is... the wildest town in the whole damn world.

No more blood drives or charity walks. Dad, I know we don't do a lot together, but helping you gain 61 pounds is something I want to be a part of. Dad! I must protest. You're abusing a program... intended to help the unfortunate. I'm not saying it isn't sleazy, honey.

What's Santa's Little Helper doing to that dog? Uh-oh. It looks like he's trying to jump over her, but he can't quite make it. Come on, boy. You can do it! Ladies and gentlemen, this is the end-- this is the end of dog racing. I think they're in love.

Slut! Hi, Bart and Lisa! A rooster sits on a roof facing north. lt lays an egg. Which way does it roll? Okay. The sun rises in the east.

That's me. (READING) Oh! MAN: Why don't you come with me, little girl On a magic carpet ride Now to turn on the moto-mimic. (BIKE MIMICS MOTORCYCLE ENGINE) It sounds like a motorcycle gang. And we don't have backup! We'd better lay low.

Boo ! Boo ! Hey, what gives ? Boy, I tried ordering you. I tried punishing you. And, God help me, I even tried reasoning with you. And the only thing left for me to do is jump the gorge myself. Uh-- What ? Why ?

Excuse me. Hmm.

(THUDDING) (BLABBERS) He's right over there! Hey, come on! Can't anybody see him?

Yeah, you cheater. You lie like a fly with a booger in its eye. The fly was funny. The booger was the icing on the cake. Friends, we love you all but I also have a sinister motive for asking you all here-- sinister being Latin for left-handed. But enough joking. That was a joke?

and strewn upon a parade of murderers and single mothers, where my tongue will be torn out by ravenous birds.

Oh, that's great. Thank you. Thanks a lot. Uh, I just want to say that it was an honor for me... to compete with the mick and the, uh, chick with the rack there. Yeah, all right, Moe! That's my Moo! And now, to take your official calendar portrait, Duff's vice president in charge of calendars and fake I.D.'s,

I even pay for it. But to me, you're all vipers. You live on personal injury, on divorces. You live on pain and misery! But I'm rambling. Anybody want coffee? I'll have coffee. Want it black, don't you? Black like your heart. It's so hard to listen. I hate you all so much!

but mostly great anger. There are perfectly logical explanations for everything that happened. The bonfire sent soot into the air, which created rain. And with all the trees cut down, a flood was inevitable. Yeah, but what made the rain stop? I dunno. Buddha?

Uh, so long! Bye-bye! Ta-ta! Bye, everybody! Bye-bye! Sayonara, dudes. So long! Bye-bye! Bye-bye now. Bye! See ya! Bye! Bye-bye! Ha-ha!

(GASPS) So, what do I die of? Too much happiness? Naked girl avalanche? Uh, you die eating a submarine sandwich. What kind of bread? Uh, country Parmesan. Woo-hoo! Mr. Flanders, why are you moving? Because I had a vision of myself shooting your father.

Get outta my way. I'm in a hurry. You simmer down, I'll let you go. So, instead of wounding an evil old man, I may have killed an innocent old man. That's much worse. About 50,000 volts worse, if you know what I mean. Sizzle!

then what happened to the bag with our stash? There's more than one way to get high, baby.

It's clear now why God portions it out in those tiny packets, and why he lives on a plantation in Hawaii. Ah, "Diorama-Rama"-- my favorite school event... next to Hearing Test Thursday. "The Grapes of Wrath"? I don't get it.

Maybe if we tied it down so it couldn't move, it wouldn't get so hungry. You can't do that, Dad. It's cruel! Oh, everything's cruel according to you. Keeping him chained up in the backyard is cruel. Pulling on his tail is cruel. Yelling in his ears is cruel. Everything is cruel. So excuse me if I'm cruel!

Kiss it and make it boogie. Kiss it. Uh, maybe later. Oh! Oh, yeah! Well, we better start our Love Day cleanup. You kids take care of the wrapping paper. I'm going to dismantle Love Land.

It was her ticker. The doc said her left ventricle burst. Oh, no, Jasper. They may say she died of a burst ventricle, but I know she died of a broken heart.

Uh-- What the-- A tunnel! Bart's digging us out! Not on my watch he's not! Oh, no! I know it looks like the path to freedom.

I know where we can hole up for a while. That's it! Looking good. Getting warm. I feel queasy. Don't stop, Milhouse. You're so close! I gotta barf!

Apu, I see you're not in church. Oh, but I am. I have a shrine to Ganesha, the god of worldly wisdom located in the employee lounge. Hey, Ganesha, want a peanut? Please do not offer my god a peanut.

When you want grease, go to the source. Good old Krusty Burger. Oh, I'll say. Look at that redheaded kid. There must be $20 worth of grease on his forehead alone. I was thinking more of the deep fryer.

No-o-o! I can't feel my legs. I taste blood.

I'm riding a unicycle with my pants down. This should be every boy's dream. Ha-ha! Your dad's not handy. Son, are you okay? I brought a homemade first aid kit! It's spring-loaded for quick access. (SCREAMING)

This verdict is written on a cocktail napkin! And it still says "guilty." And "guilty" is spelled wrong! Will the foreman please read the real verdict?

Back off, Bart. This may be the only chance I get...

You wanna not play with that? just got it charged. Maybe you can help me. I don't think my face is as hilarious as it could be. What can you show me in a nose or forehead accessory? Whoa! Lookin' sharp! Well, thanks, governor. Oh!

(GRUNTS) Lousy drawer. Potato masher's stuck in small spoon slot. What kinda madman would do that? (GRUNTING) (GRUNTS) (GASPS) Ooh. Bart! Honey, I'm so sorry!

No. My invention! All my money problems could've-- Money problems? Homer, are we in some sort of fiduciary trouble?

Initiate fertilization procedure. Oh, you look lovely this evening. Have you decreased in mass? I tried to resist, but they applied powerful mind-confusion techniques. Look! Behind you!

This man is my exact double!

- and make sure my kids grow up right. - Shh! Sorry.

Man, that hurt. Now to do the exact same thing again. (GROANING)

but the new one's gonna be better than 10 Super Bowls! I don't wanna oversell it. judge for yourself. Well, look who's here. Hi, Poochie! You look like you've got something to say. - Do you? - Yes, I certainly do.

Oh, for crying out loud! Oh. Oh. Okay. Calm down. just think.

Don't give 'em the satisfaction of screaming, Max. It'll only burn for-- Hey, hold still. Keep running, Max. I can't lose him! Help him out, Lou. Uh, you better call for backup, Chief. Leave me alone! Go swab Begley. He likes it.

"The Bart, The." No one who speaks German can be an evil man.

Okay? Lights, camera, act-didilly-dotilly- doodilly-action, jackson! Help me... eeee... eeee! Flanders to God! Flanders to God!

Next. Pass. Boring. Aw... Ha-ha, loser! Geez, pal. Will you look at that?

You take his side just 'cause he bought you that house on St. James Place. Who else is gonna take care of her? Dad? Why, you little-- Stop fighting! Mom, that's not how you pry them apart.

Die, you chalk-faced goons!

Yea! Jeers to this rusty tailgate.

I learned the truth at 17 that love was meant for beauty queenS and high SChool girls with clear-skin smiles who married young and then retired

Wait a minute. Listen, you little yellow-bellied rat jackass. If I ever find out who you are, I'll kill ya ! I hope you do find that punk someday, Moe. Fill 'er up. Is everything okay ? Usually you have a quick one,

I picked it up somewhere. If I drive Martin's car, I can win.

Wouldn't it, Flanders?

I'm singin' in the rain Just singin' in the rain What a glorious feelin' It burns like a Glasgow bikini wax!

Come on. We just wanna eat your skin. Go to hell, cloaky!

Look out, Itchy! He's Irish! Come on, Itchy. Kill him! Kill that guy! "A chance for more mis"--

Valuing her eggs above even her own life, the mother bird bravely fights off such fearsome predators as the badger and the mongoose. Of course, one thing mother blue jay can't defend against... is a set of steel tongs. Eggs. Precious eggs.

Kaboom! Blam! Oh, excuse me again, dear. Homer, there's no point in pretending you're making those noises. Your homemade liquor is exploding again. What, dear? Kablamo!

"My darling bride Manjula, "I hereby mend my ways. "I'll shower you with valentines... for seven love-fIlled days!"

I can't remember the last time we were all together. Last year, on that stupid Dame Edna special. And a one, and a two, and a three-- Ba-bum-bum-bum

Hey, lookee. ts that young’un what sorts them squiggles into words. Can you spell "scabies'"? S-C-A-B-I-E-S. Rubella, we got you a middle name. You aint supposed to hold her like that. Spell "AC/DC." A-C-D-C.

Fine. Fine. Mouse. Fine. Mouse. Rat. Fine. Syringe. Fine. Nose. Fine.

Oh, my God! Simpson's manager has flown into the ring and is airlifting him out.

Oh, my God! I'm ugly! Now, in a moment, we'll be raffling off our grand prize: a ride on the famous Duff Beer blimp! A ride on the Duff blimp.

Listen to 'em. Watching my television, sitting on my couch. You'd better not be in my ass groove! Homer! It took me years to forge that groove.

I think I lost my glasses in your pool. I better go in and find 'em. - But you're wearing your glasses. - No, I'm not. Oh, look. Bart's all alone. Maybe I should keep him company, at least for a little while.

Crazy crazy For feeling...

Do what the kid says. Mm, it's so good to be home again.

What the- It made another mel How cool is that? Ah- Hmm. No belly button. Shuttle's in the hangar. You want to be my slave? Outstanding!

(SCREAMS) Please, Your Majesty. I know that I, like many other Americans, have behaved like a total buffoon. But we Americans are England's children. I know we don't call as often as we should and we aren't as well-behaved as our goody two-shoes brother Canada,

Homer! All in favor of skipping the poem. Thank you.

It's an old-fashioned hole digging. By gar, it's been a while.

Hello. I'm Dr. Stupid. I'm going to take out your liver bones. Oops. You're dead. I never liked that Dr. Stupid.

I'm awake! I'm awake! I'm a productive member of the team. You can't fire me! I quit! Please! I have a family. Relax, Dad, it's just me. I was wondering if you had any industrial-strength adhesive I could use on my face. Well, let's see what we got in the old drawer. Eh. Eh.

Whoa ! Wow ! A big ugly head ! doh !

No! I belong here! Please! Don't worry, honey. We can't afford this now. But when it's time for college, I promise my darling daughter... can go to the finest school there is... in South Carolina. Oh! I will not be a Gamecock! You will too! No!

What's going on here? Wh-What? Hey. Your franchise-- how much? $500. I'll take it! Congratulations! And welcome to the dynamic world... of mobile pretzel retailing. When can I start? What's my territory? Your territory. Well-- Well, let me tell you--

Homer, get over here. Look at me. I'm Brian Epstein. Now I'm Michael Jackson. I own all your songs, losers. Hee, hee, hee! Here are some supervised activities we can all do together. "Future Veterans of Foreign Wars," "The 5-H Club." 5-H?

Want a hint? I don't need a hint, Ralph. But you're suffering.

Yo, give me the bullets. Okay. Don't shoot! Drop it! Bye!

Hello? Yes? Oh. If you're looking for that big doughnut of yours, Flanders has it. just smash open his house. He came to life. Good for him!

I'm afraid not. Your father needs your help. You don't want him to get a lobotomy, do you? Hmm... lobotomy. That's all right, son. There's probably a downside I don't see. Uh-huh. New Bedlam Asylum. Loves us.

Only Khlav Kalash. Men's room in tower. Tower. Observation deck. Oh! But I can't leave my car until the parking guy gets here. Oh! Why did I drink all that crab juice?

And who could forget dear Rat Boy? Rat Boy? I resent that. Bart, I told you before. Stop gnawing on the drywall. What a day, eh, Milhouse?

we don't mind using excessive force bad cops, bad cops bad cops, bad cops All right, boys, time to bag us a cattle rustler. What in God's name are you doing? Isn't this 742 Evergreen Terrace?

Hey, is it too late to see the movie stars? No, no. just, uh, hop that fence, sneak up and, uh, peek in the window there. All right. I never get tired of that.

"Wet cement!" Is there any sweeter sign? Well, maybe "high voltage."

Do you think there's a place in the hip-hop world, for a 40-something elementary school administrator? Hell, yes. Hmm. But I'm already paying a guy for that. Skinner! I order you to step off, dawg. (ALL LAUGHING) I think they're making fun of me but my wife is very sick. Whoo!

Good-bye, Adil. Have a nice trip. Good-bye, Adil. I'll send you those civil defense plans you wanted. Air France, flight dix-neuf cent quatre-vingts huit, Paris to Springfield is now arriving. Look, Mom. There he is !

Great game, Lise. Great game, Bart.

Are you sure he's dead? Maybe you just really, really hurt him. Okay. Maybe everything's all right. Maybe, if you go apologize, he won't even fire you... if he's alive. Mr. Burns?

I really laughed when... Yeah, yeah. where's my nicotine Gum? Ah, that's the stuff! Damn, I'm exhausted. Those Kids were like ice. You've got a merchandising meeting. - Cancel it! - Therapist? Cancel it! The line on the Giants is 5½. Put a dime on it. "Thank you" dinner with Bart Simpson?

I now pronounce you husbands and wives. We are so dead.

You didn't feel for him either, you big fat phony. Bart, look up here. This is where the tears would be if I could cry. But I can't. Botched face-lift. You could learn a lot from him, Maryann. It's Lisa. Maryann's better.

Oh, hey, we've offended Herman. I'm just going out for some fresh air. Geez. That guys sure likes his fresh air.

Bernardo, you make that joke every time. It was that joke that made you fall in love with me. Hey, Maggie, how ya doin' back there?

(LAUGHS MISCHIEVOUSLY) BARNEY: I guess you're just too smart for me, Bart. What? Ha-ha! Huh? (STRUGGLING) Thanks, Barney. Moe, we won't need you now.

Bart! Huh. Where are ya, boy? - Oops. - Aha! There ya go! Now, that's not so bad, is it? Scrub good now.

Yabba dabba doo! I like talkin' to you!

Arr. I loved Splash, Mr. Howard.

What you oughta do is, um-- What, what? What, what, what? Well, you could always move into my house... and tell your mom that Marge is your wife. Is it me, or do your plans always involve some horrible web of lies? It's you.

I'm sorry I had to arrest you, Homer, but what I did was right. Someday when you really need it, you'll be happy... there are dedicated cops like me out there. I have nothing more to say to you, Marge. I'm drawing a line down the center of the house À la I love Lucy.

Ogre is such a strong word. Right on, Doc ! Another successful diagnosis. - That does it ! - Whoa ! Okay, you wanna kill each other. That's good. That's healthy.

If I wasn't your friend, I'd tell you you sucked.

Well, he's stepping up now. He needs to get at least a spare. Shh !

Mmm, not right now, dear. Wow! The TV's coin-operated. And so is the Bible! I'd like to order a wake-up call, please. 3:00 a.m. Uh, for every room except this one.

So, Professor, would you say it's time for everyone to panic? Yes, I would, Kent.

There's your giraffe, little girl. I'm a boy. That's the spirit. Never give up. Well, I guess you're pretty impressed, huh, Bart? My dad got Krusty the Clown to personally appear at my party. Mmm, I got a feeling I could get him to appear at my house. Oh, I don't know, Bart.

Whoa! Look at those mogambos! Hey, that's it! Mogambo! I came out ofthe elepharts mouth, right? Cause I already showered once today.

What's happening to me? Maybe I'm not a kid anymore. Goodbye, Spirogram. Goodbye, Sketch N Etch.

I just don't understand what the problem is.

Catch you on the flip side, "dudemeisters." Not! Hey, kids, always recycle... to the extreme! Busted!

i know you and your wife and every part of you Son, you wait here while Daddy tries to talk some sense into this raving derelict.

I'm sorry. I'll just sit over here until you stop being mad at me.

But why do the brawny prey on the brainy? Is it jealousy? Yes. Yes. No. The reason is chemical. Not possible. That's impossible. Chemicals are our friend. She's a witch. Please, Dr. Koop. Let me demonstrate.

Two thumbtacks and a mustache comb. Or five rubber bands and an ice cube. What can I get for 8,000 tickets? A BB gun or an Easy-Bake oven. Hmm. Hot food is tempting. But I just can't say no to a weapon.

Ow ! My foot ! You lousy, stupid, clumsy--

Come here, you little-- Stop it. You're killing me! My school picture. Daddy would like a word with you, Barty.

Texas. Uh... Brooklyn. Russia.

Aha! Did you steal dolls from my daughter? I think they demean women! Well, think again, son. You're goin' to juvie. But I just got out of juvie. Good! 'Cause I need directions.

Look at me, Powder Puff. I'm dancin'.

Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

(LAUGHING EVILLY) Now that your boyfriend's dead, I'm free to be selfish, drunk, emotionally distant, sexually ungenerous, pissy, and... D'oh!

A-ha ! Got him !

(INDISTINCT) Turns out he's choking on a peanut. Well, punch to the gut cleared that right up. (KIDS LAUGHING) Hey, Bart. Me and Mrs. Krabappel, we're gonna go play some backgammon, if you know what I mean. I don't. But I hope you win. Oh, he's gonna win. Some guys like a challenge, not me.

Oh, okay. Oh, boy! Grandma! We're not going anywhere. But you said-- Uh, sometimes to keep from hurting someone's feelings, we have to say things that aren't exactly-- Lies make Baby jesus cry.

Go ahead and laugh. We have a better town bird. Oh, yeah? What is it? The bluebird. Damn it. More wheat cakes, Mr. Mayor? Read my lips-- Yes. Dad, you got syrup on your sash. No problem. If you ask me--

Look at me! Ow! Hot, hot, hot. I must only use this power to annoy.

Ow! Ow! This job sure is easy. Now to press this button. Not again! Angry Dad, you're fired.

You ugly, hate-filled man! Hey-- Hey, I may be ugly and hate-filled, but I've, um-- What was the third thing you said?

f Male Announcer] Andnow Ken Burns...

And here it is. It all began... with the filing of Form 637/A-- the application for a small business or farm-- Many interesting and important things have been put into boxes over the years. Textiles, other boxes, even children's candy. Do any of these boxes have candy in 'em? No.

I think Bart and Lisa are feeling a little upset right now.

And now to kill you. There may be a slight ringing in your ears. Fortunately, you'll be nowhere near them. I guess this is it. Thanks, anyway. You know, I could snip the wires. We'd fall to our deaths, but we'd save the entire town. Bart, how would you like to do something incredibly noble?

I'm almost done. You are a picture and a half.

What is this place? Branson, Missouri. My dad says it's like Vegas if it were run by Ned Flanders.

Uh, doesn't work if you invite him. Hidilly-hey! Go home. Toodilly-do.

One "Mother," please. Wait a minute. How old are you ? Twenty-one, sir. Get in the chair. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

And the Washing Machine! Wow! See the happiest fish in the world... at our fabulous Beerquarium!

the i'm-On-A-Rolla Gay. But I love that plane. I used to fly to Vegas in it with Dean Martin. One night he looked out the window, and the moon hit his eye like a big pizza pie. We wrote a song about it, but it ended up infringing on one he recorded years before.

I can't remember the last time Dad sang us a torch song. Yeah! Homer, I thought you were only gonna do this day care thing... till your knee was better. Yes. But then I discovered the joys of raising children. What about us? Don't worry, honey. You'll have children of your own someday.

...Fight, fight, fight fight, fight, fight The Itchy & Scratchy Show Mmm.

I knew it! I knew you'd slip up sooner or later, Simpson!

Lisa, welcome to love. It's full of doubt and pain and uncertainty, but then one day, you find a man you love so much it hurts. Who is he? You, Homie. Whoo-hoo! In your face, imaginary guy.

D'oh! I just want the whole world to know that this was a really crappy camp. Can I say "crappy" on TV? Yes, on this network, you can.

(HOWLING) Oh, thank goodness. Rescue dogs. (GROWLING) "And the angel said unto them, 'Fear not,

One bite, and you'll be hooked.

You don't forget a thing like... Siamese twins! I believe they prefer to be called "conjoined twins." And hillbillies prefer to be called "sons of the soil," but it ain't gonna happen. Now, normally, the birth of Siamese twins is a joyous occasion,

He- Now he’s... got it! Bart, the larynx is not a plaything. Mom, I am sick ofthe way he treats mel He disrespects me, and I'm just supposed to accept it? That's right. You’re mine till you’re 18. And when you’re 17, I'm gonna know the end is near...

CloSed-captioned By Captions, Inc. Los Angeles

1971-- man walks on the moon... again. Then for a long time, nothing happened. Until tonight.

The capital of North Dakota is named after what German ruler ? Hitler !

People aren't interested in stars anymore. They want reality. Way ahead of ya. How about a show where girls think I'm a millionaire? But what they don't know is I'm rife with disease! Okay, okay. How about one where I move in with a poor family and laugh at them? (LAUGHS) You see be...

Oh, doctor. A 98-yard triple reverse...

Well, if you never forget anything, tell me this. What color tie am I wearing? You are wearing a red-and-white striped club tie... in a half Windsor knot.

Arizona smells funny. North Dakota, here we come. I've always wanted to see Mount Rushmore. That's South Dakota.

Hey, get off my case! The only reason I'm working here... is 'cause I'm trying to get a date with Mom. Look, Pop. I'm planning some expert home repairs, and I need a pair of bolt cutters or wire cutters... or something to get the lock off my toolbox. Aisle one, next to the cat poison.

Nobody likes a tattletale, honey.

Hey, Krusty. I'm bringing back the-- You just keep right on driving.

You know, the-- One thing I should-- - Excuse me for one second. - Of course. Well, that was wonderful. A good time was had by all. I'm pooped. Yes. I should be-- Good Lord! What is happening in there? Aurora borealis.

How come they only do crucifixions during sweeps? Snake played lacrosse at Ball State University.

He was supposed to have attitude! Um, wh-wh-what do you mean exactly? Oh, you know, attitude! Attitude! Uh, sunglasses!

You've got to stop blowing your money like this, Krusty. No can do. And those ridiculous bets you make. Gambling is the finest thing a person can do, if he's good at it.

Look at all that cash! And now it's time for me to leave! What a delightful sprite! (SNORING)

That's right. I want the 25-foot Italian party sub.

What happened to "boys will be boys"? You see, during spring break, the beer companies pay me to look the other way. The rest of the year, I'm a real hard-ass. Okay, sweet pea, you're next. Whoa! Looks like we got a teeny Houdini here.

I think it's full, sir. That's ridiculous! The last tree held nine drums.

Do you want turkey sausage or ham? Bring me two of every animal. A new Internet watchdog is creating a stir in Springfield. Mr. X, if that is his real name, has come up with a sensational scoop.

just tell me what happened. Milhouse and I... That's enough! I'm putting you in an all-girl school. You're never going to see that boy again. Milhouse! Samantha! Well, 'tis better to have loved and lost... yatta, yatta, yatta.

Maggie, look. What's that ? Lemur. "Lee-mur." Zebu. "Zee-boo."

Ooh, the Germans are mad at me. I'm so scared. Ooh, the Germans! Stop it. Stop that. The Germans are coming after me. Stop the pretending you are scared game. They're so big... Stop it, Mr. Burns. Protect me from the Germans! Stop it!

Your doll is trying to kill my husband! Yes, I'll hold. Everybody loves A clown so why don't you

Your mama always said you'd be the Chosen one She said you're one in a million You got to burn to shine You were born under a bad sign

Where in the hell is Milhouse? That one shot cost us a million dollars! Where's the producer? I want to talk about this coffee.

Shut up, kid. You're as crazy as an eight, I'm telling you. ANNOUNCER: With Eddie Murphy as the Jack of Clubs. You don't understand, Officer. I thought that king was a queen. (CHUCKLING) ANNOUNCER: This summer, the house is full and the deuces are wild! In Cards! Hey, Jack, you got any twos?

Ah, don't worry. This dog has the scent. What's gotten into Bobo ? I got some wieners in my pocket. That figures. Come on, you stupid dog.

Oh, consarn it. Uh, come on! Let's pick up the pace, you neglected old nincompoops.

Willie, must you do that now? Ach! You want streaks? 'Cause if you interrupt me, that's what you'll get!

But to be hated, you don't have to do squat. You know, perhaps you're right. I got so swept up with the notion of being liked, I completely forgot who I am. I'm a selfish old crank, and that fits me like a Speedo.

Lisa, you just won the state finals. Diphthongs, cognates, Latin roots. Lisa clobbers all you fruits! Oh, our little girl's got her own cheering section.

Sweet Valley High! Krusty played a Batman villain? Well, sure. He was also Uncle Velderschmoink on Bewitched. Clownface, what in the name of Huntley and Brinkley do you plan to do to us? I'm just gonna take you for... a spin!

So I'm watchin' TV today-- Whoo! TV, yeah!

First, do you have any bad habits? No, I'm practically perfect in every way. Well, so am I. Okay, question two. Who was your last employer?

Going for... eight-hour walk. Homer. Homer. Homer sleep now. What's wrong with Dad? He's just exhausted.

That man ate all our shrimp and two plastic lobsters! 'Tis no man. 'Tis a remorseless eating machine. Arr!

And when he tried to steal our sunlight, he crossed that line between everyday villainy and cartoonish super-villainy. Bah! He was a rank amateur...

Marge! Get him! Bust him, Mom! Go back to bed! Don't make me come up there. Looks like your wife is embarking up the wrong tree.

There couldn't be a heaven without a hell. Who's in there? Oh... Hitler's dog and that dog Nixon had, what's his name? Chester? Checkers. One of the Lassies is in there too. The mean one-- the one that mauled Timmy. Does this have anything to do with Santa's Little Helper?

Oh, man, this is the greatest night of my life.

You know how bashful I am. I can't even say the word "titmouse"... without giggling like a schoolgirl.

Maiden in my lair There's potions in my wizard's pot Now drink it if you dare Lute solo! Yeah! (GRUNTS) (ALL GASPING) (LAUGHS)

Could I have it in writing? "Not insane." Hmm. I'm proud of you, Homer. Michael, you really helped me get through this.

With any luck, folks, these two will become very, very close, if you know what I mean. Huh? Help! Mr. Burns! Aaah! Oh, look. She's presenting. We thought this would take years to happen.

Yes, there is such a place. Believe me, it's true. I believe everything you say, with your words, your body language... and your Semitic good looks.

Wait a minute. That's bad!

I'm still a little itchy from that fiberglass hay. Is there anything you need? Well, you could make my evening complete. What's wrong? My whole romantic life is flashing before my eyes.

This just in. Tensions continue to mount between Springfield and France... over Mayor Quimby's now-famous frog's legs joke! The French president has threatened swift and massive retaliation... if he doesn't receive an immediate apology. Stupid frog. We now go live to city hall... for Mayor Quimby's response.

by these angels he hath sent thee, respite and nepenthe from thy memories of Lenore ! Quaff, oh, quaff this kind nepenthe and forget this lost Lenore !

He's a good boy now, and he's getting better, and sometimes even the best sheep stray from the flock... and need to be hugged extra hard.

Can't you do something? Hey. Surly only looks out for one guy-- Surly. Hmm. Sorry, Surly. Shut up. Don't blame these kids. It's not their fault. I think their father is missing a chromosome. Miss Bouvier, while we were rescuing this boy,

Be-er? C-O-- B-E--

But in my speech, I'd like to avoid calling it "a painful emergency tax." What about "colossal salary grab"? See, that has the same problem. We need to soften the blow. Well, if you just want to out-and-out lie-- Okay. We could call it "a temporary refund adjustment."

Don't worry, son. You'll be fine. This boy's appendix is inflamed and about to burst, which will make it easier to find once I get in there.

to finally put out that blaze on the east side of town. Boring! Hello. My name is Mr. Snrub, and I come from, uh, someplace far away. Yes, that will do. Anyway,

It's your fortune, sir.

Yes, it's a good thing they reevaluated those wacky old designs.

Ew, gross. Mom, Bart was taking a picture of his butt. Oh, sure. Like I'm really gonna take a picture of my butt. Stop it, you two. And put on some nice clothes.

Then he gobbed in my face and turned back into a streetlight. And that's how I came to the Church. Well, I'm only here because I got blamed for a prank I didn't do! Mmm-hmm. Call me crazy, but I believe you. You do? Of course I do. You know, lots of church types started off as rotten wee buggers.

line. Lay it on me, Coach. In the game of... Mi-am-i Mm-hmm. versus Cin... Cincinnati. cin... Cincinnati. na... Cincinnati. ti... Come on! Don't you realize this is costing me money?

Of course I'm not mad. If something's hard to do, then it's not worth doing. You just stick that guitar in the closet next to your shortwave radio your karate outfit, and your unicycle and we'll go inside and watch TV. What's on? It doesn't matter.

Television must go. May God have mercy on our souls.

Well, you could make my evening complete. What's wrong? My whole romantic life is flashing before my eyes.

I'm starting to get the hang of the floor waxer. Yes! "Dear Woodrow, you're not like the other men I've met." I'm the 28th president of the United States. "I've had some bad experiences with these ads.

Well, Marge... Maggie was very young. It's not like we got so attached to her. No. Marge, isn't life funny? One day, they're babies the next thing you know, they're off on their own.

$200,000? Are you mad? I don't get mad. I get stabby. The good news is we need no longer fear vicious mob reprisals.

Apu, it's 4:00 a.m. You're late for work! Oh, I just had the most beautiful dream where I died. Oh, no, you don't. Not till they're out of college. Listen, I'll die when I want to.

Hello! Is there anybody in there?

Thanks for picking my friends up from the strip club, Marge. Can we stop for ice cream? Homer always stops for ice cream. We'll see. That always means no.

Seven, six, five, four, three, two, one!

Here you go, you ingrate. Think of me when you're having the best sex of your life! Drink it!

Good God, we're doomed! No! We're out of doughnuts! That's it! I know exactly what we should do!

Hey, where's my melon? And you are banned for life from all of my performances and TV specials! But I can still see your movies, right?

Lisa, I know it's frustrating, but we made a commitment, and we have to see it through, no matter how unpleasant. Quitting time. Okay. Scrub up and head for the communal tarp. We're having kelp burgers, and we're going to watch a tape of johnny Arvik. He's the Eskimo comedian.

Uh-oh. Sounds like some bad eggs are cooking up trouble. Mmm! Bad eggs.

Yes! Nobody messes with the mayor when Homer Simpson's on-- Oh, crap. - Oh, Fat Tony. - What? What did I do?

Huh? Don't be alarmed, Apu. just go about your daily routine like I'm not wearing the hat. Your headgear seems to be emitting a buzzing noise, sir. Perhaps you have a bee in your bonnet.

No! Homer is not okay-- And I want everyone in this plant to realize it. I would die a happy man if I could prove to you... that Homer Simpson has the intelligence of a six-year-old. So. How you doin'? Hmm?

I'll play catch with you, Son. - Get the hell out. - I'm gone. Aah. Mrs. Simpson,

Excuse me. Oh, my eyes are burning.

Hey, what do you got against Homer anyway? Are you kidding? Does this whole plant have some disease, where it can't see that he's an idiot? Look here. Accidents have doubled every year since he became safety inspector. And meltdowns have tripled. Has he been fired? No. Has he been disciplined? No, no. Aw, everybody makes mistakes. That's why they put erasers on pencils.

Ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay! My friend, your jacket, she burns. Then I burn with her. For I would rather die than have people not know what stores I have been to. Yay!

Krusty, have you ever seen this so-called animation genius before?

The world's greatest Web site. Hello! Hello! Hello! You'd think all the noises would be annoying, but they're not. I got suspended from school today. No kiddin'?

This is the greatest injustice in the history of the world! Well, we have to run. I'm sure you kids will work things out. Good night. But-- uh-- uh-- Make sure he brushes his teeth, Lisa.

That's crazy. It would've been on a talk radio show like Sports Chat... or Sportzilla and the Jabber Jocks!

Whoa! It's like Speed 2, only with a bus instead of a boat.

Hmm. Sounded large when I ordered it. Oh, I can't make hide nor hair of these metric booby traps. My Lord! Such destruction. Superintendent Chalmers. How are you going? Why is it when I heard the word "school" and the word "exploded," I immediately thought of the word "Skinner"?

Here's the windup, and here's the pitch.

My goodness, there is over $15,000 here. 15,000 Missoulians? Holy "schlamola"! What are you gonna do with all that "kablingy"? Well, if you mean the money, I suppose we'll just replace the items the burglar took--

- Hey, mister. Do you need some help? - Let him go, Ralph. He knows what he's doing.

Any office supply company can have 'em made up for you. - Can I have this one? - No. Can... Lenny have it? No. Oh, that's my degree in nuclear physics. I'm sure you all have one. Oh, yeah. Carl and I each have a masters. Of course, old Homer-- He didn't need a degree. He just showed up the day they opened the plant.

I want a bib too.

Homer, I think I've got her. Come on! Barney, you'll pull her arm off! The sooner I get her out the sooner we can have omelets.

I never thought I'd say this about a TV show, but this is kind of stupid. Hey! Police Cops. That sounds like a lethal combination.

What the hell's this? Melvin and the Squirrels. Part of the rodent invasion of the early '60s. Stuck a feather in his cap and called it-- Rice-A-Roni Melvin! Bart, look. It's Dad!

You started smoking, Dad? Yes. Thomas Edison smoked several cigars a day. - Yeah, he invented stuff too. - Shut up.

Principal Skinner, how's your transportation project coming? Oh, excellent. Not only are the trains now running on time, they're running on metric time. Remember this moment, people-- 80 past 2:00 on April 47th. It's the dawn of an enlightened Springfield.

Open your present. They're Krusty the Klown walkie-talkies! I'll keep one and you keep one.

Whoa, easy there, partner. (GROANING) Uh-oh. You killed him. He was my world.

Uh... oh... Hey, sorry. I thought you were a deer. Oh, that's okay. Happens all the time.

I don't care who wins, as long as one of us beats that guy. Same here. Careful, boys. It took me months to steal that bumper. Help! Help! What was that? You didn't hear nothing! You nervous, son? Don't worry, Dad.

Oh, gee. Let's never fight again. Oh.

Go, toothpaste, go! Move your pasty white butt! Come on, shampoo! You can do it! Yea! I won your stupid bathroom products race!

The truth is out there!

Hi, Lisa. Thank you for your donation. Because of your generosity, I bought sturdy shoes that will last for a thousand sambas. Aw. Ooh, he's so adorable. Can we have another baby?

Sorry. - And that's why God causes train wrecks. - Ah! My dad is very sick. What's gonna happen if he dies?

Are you mad, woman? You never know when an old calendar might come in handy. Sure, it's not 1985 right now, but who knows what tomorrow will bring? And these TV Guides. So many memories. "Gomer upsets Sergeant Carter." Oh, I'll never forget that episode.

Slow down, punk!

We can't lose! Look at the name of the dog I bet on! "She's The Fastest."

All rise for the Honorable Judge Constance Harm.

J Now I’ve got to help him out Da-da-dum JJ Shut up, boy. Oh! I dont get a song? Mom got a song. With the economy the way it is, you’re lucky you get soup. JJ And now...

The most beautiful women in the world ! just 50 cents. I am your host, Bart Simpson. You must be at least eight years old to enter. And now, the Top Hat Channel... is honored to present Broadcast Nudes.

(GULPS) No wonder they call it the Good Book.

You know, you're right. This truly was the best vacation ever. Now let us never speak of it again. As Roger Meyers Jr., the owner of the park, I'd like to thank you for stopping the killer robots. And to show my appreciation, here are two free passes. But there are five of us. Here are two free passes.

I think I lost my glasses in your pool. I better go in and find 'em. - But you're wearing your glasses. - No, I'm not. Oh, look. Bart's all alone. Maybe I should keep him company, at least for a little while. lisa! Watch this! Watch!

I'm bored. I'm restless. Need change in life. Like imported leather leash. Uh, blue contact lenses. Two hundred-volt shock training collar.

You didn't need to knock the food on the floor. Didn't I? Wow! It's even more wonderful than Lisa said.

(DOORBELL RINGS)

All right, that's enough, Fraidy Sue!

Simpson? Simpson. Did you get that report on the accounting department? Yes, sir, I did. "The accounting department is located on the third floor. Its hours are 9:00 a.m. to 5:00 p.m." The head of this department is a Mr. Johnson or johnstone.

Or perhaps you’d like to go to a football game. Well- We dont have a team. No! Hey, Daddy, baby. We're movie producers now. And we're Jewish. Yay!

Shakespeare's fried chicken Come gorge yourself today...

The service has ended. Go in peace. The door's frozen shut, and it's the only way out! Our Father who art in heaven, hallowed be-- Lisa, this is neither the time nor the place.

He likes you. How dare you destroy my valuable wall and spill my priceless acid? Did you really think you were going to get away with it? - I wasn't-- - Silence! I'm going to give you one more chance-- at a reduced salary. So straighten up and fly right. But, sir, if I could--

Oh! Can't panic. Must remain calm.

What ? Oh, water. That-a-way, man.

New flavor-- triple chocolate ! Perhaps a little something for the trip back to the cash register. What's the matter, sir ? Never have I seen you look so unhappy while purchasing such a large quantity of ice cream. The reason I look unhappy is that tonight...

Marge, name one successful person who ever lived without air conditioning. Balzac. No need for potty mouth just because you can't think of one. But Balzac is the name. If ifs and buts were candy and nuts-- - Uh, how does the rest of that go? - Please,

Homer, you’re heading for a parental face-plant. Do a 180 emotional ollie. Finally someone explains it to me... in words I can understand. Look, boy. I know I did wrong, and I'm truly sorry. I put you in humiliating commercials for money...

It's just a little dirty. It's still good. It's still good.

Not bad, Lisa jr. But God's palace is way up on the moon. So if you want him to hear us, we've gotta crank up the volume. Do you hear me, Lord? Homer's doin' your work! I'm the greatest missionary of all time!

Finders keepers. "This year, give her English muffins." Whatever you say, Mr. Billboard!

Honorary Grand Marshal Richard Nixon...

Hey. Wait a minute. Hold on here. This bandstand wasn't double-bolted. Huh. I didn't feel like it. Hey. I hear you, buddy. Uh, I don't want to judge the rightness of your ego orientation,

Thank you, Nelson. I look forward to seeing it again next week. Bart, you're up.

Sorry. Give me one that doesn't taste so good. That was rubber covered in Vaseline! Marge, write that down so we can have it at home. We can't begin his treatment soon enough. (MACHINE WHIRS) (ELECTRICAL CRACKLING) (SCREAMS) (HISSING) (BLABBERING) How you feeling, sweetie?

But he said it was forbidden. Quite so, mum. I recall one of the dinosaurs had a bite. And, well, that was the last of-- Egad! Please stop eating that. God's going to be furious. You're pretty uptight for a naked chick.

Homer, get ready! Patty and Selma will be here any minute! Oh, no! Better ride this one out in the closet. Sorry, Dad. This is our spot. Oh, yeah? Well, it's my house, so it's my spot. Nu-uh, because we called it. Did not. Well, we're calling it now. You are?

Here, boy. Would you like these cookies Martin made for me? My raisin roundies! My dog's name is Santa's Little Helper.

You're here, aren't you? Yes, Bart. I never left you. Wh-What do you want from me? You'll see... after the surgery.

You're gonna eat a blizzard of... unseasonable warmth? I made the snowball from the frost in our freezer. Nice p.j.'s, Simpson. Did your mommy buy 'em for ya?

Let me help you dry those tears.

I hope you all saved room, because I made your favorite dessert. Store-bought snack cakes-- both kinds. Hmm. Hmm. - Hmm-- Hmm. - Grr!

No! My sugar is melting!

I'll have to read Marge's book. And I swore never to read again after To Kill a Mockingbird gave me no useful advice on killing mockingbirds! It did teach me not to judge a man based on the color of his skin. But what good does that do me?

Ooh, oops. I've said too much. Smithers, use the amnesia ray. You mean, the revolver, sir? Precisely. Be sure to wipe your own memory clear when you're finished. Now, regardless of what this thing is, it's a priceless scientific find, so our most pressing concern now...

Although there's no physical intimacy, there's a deep spiritual connection that threatens to destroy your marriage.

Oh, don't worry. You'll be sleeping in this beautiful new doghouse. Target date: January 2007.

Oh, God! Oh, Homer, no! This is outrageous. You can't do that. No! You really are stupid. And the official Stonecutter underwear too.

One: "Hey, hey, kids, I'm Talkin' Krusty." Two: "Hey, hey! Here comes Slide Show Mel." Again. "Here comes Sideshow Mel. Sideshow Mel." Three. Bada-bing, bada-boom. I'm done. Learn from a professional, kid. Okay, Krusty. We are ready to roll any-- What the--

A walking clock!

Dang, Cletus. Why'd you have to park by my parents? Now, honey, they's my parents too.

Give us the money! Elmo knows where you live. Please, help me. I'll do anything. I'll light a candle. I'll help with your next charity scam. The word is "drive." Sure, sure. Bob's your uncle. Let's just get out of here.

Yes! Oh, boy. Well, I'll just have to go to my backup plan. Nelson, how's your arm feeling? Great! Good. Take this note over to the referee. "We forfeit"? What? We forfeit?

On second thought, Bart. Bart, come here. - Drink this. - No, thanks. Do not worry. This is France. It is customary for children to take a little wine now and then.

Dang, I wish I could. But in August, our chain gang has to dig for tar. Well, now. I might could switch you to dead animal pick up.

I was hoping to replace it before you got home. Oh. But I heard a woman scream. Huh? Well, now, that I can't explain.

she must have been talking about the kitchen. What's the first thing you're gonna make in your new kitchen? How about cooking up some money because this stupid kitchen cost $100,000. (CRYING) I was thinking of chicken wings. Those are good, too.

Oh, no! Ned Flanders! He's dead! He's definitely dead! Oh, my God. We killed Ned Flanders.

You took all the money you made franchising your name... and bet it against the Harlem Globetrotters? Oh! I thought the Generals were due! He's spinning the ball on his finger! just take it! Take the ball!

Mmm. Grazie. Don Homer, my son, he has a-trouble with the-- Eh-eh-eh-eh-eh. Molto bene.

Hey, Krabappel, you get in the way of that bouquet, I'll stuff that sun hat down your neck! Smithers, take me home. I'm not fully defrosted. Nonsense. Just sit down and rest for a moment. There you go.

He drove her to it, you know? She was only doing it for the appliances. He's a she! She's a he! They're both both!

Dad, hide your shame! Hey, Homie! I can see your doodle. Shut up, Flanders. Hey, boy, how was soccer practice?

Hello. Hello? Bad dog!

Aaah! Ooh! Cool. Ooh! Aaah! Ooh! Aaah!

I was thinking it might be time to combine our CD collections. I don't know, Edna. I'm not quite ready to take that plunge. Seymour, my larval sac fell in the toilet! Go fish it out! Quick, Edna. I'll use your purse as a scoop.

Howdy, gents. I'm here to collect my free-- Ow! Oh, my boating arm! What's going on! You're under arrest, slimebag. What's this perp in for, Lou? 235 unpaid parking tickets, totaling $175. I hope you brought your checkbook, wise guy.

And what are those men doing under my van? Look, lady, if I was you, I would just leap into the air, as I'm preparing to do. - Here ya go, Homer. - Thanks, Moe.

I caught your son defacing school property this morning. We estimate the damage at $75, and frankly, we think it's terribly unfair that other taxpayers should foot the bill. Yeah, it's a crummy system, but what are you gonna do ?

Anything, huh? Okay. I want pizza, and I want it delivered by Krusty the Clown. Hmm. Hmm. Hey, it's Krusty the Pizza Man! All right. Where's my 400 bucks?

Ah ! Oh, yes. Uh, oh, and this must be your lovely wife, Marge. Oh, and look at little, uh, Lisa. Why, she's growing like a weed. And this must be, uh, Brat. Bart. Don't correct the man, Brat. Oh, boss, look what we brought-- gelatin desserts.

That guy exploits his pets worse than Bob Guccione. Well, I'm afraid the law is clear. And Dad did renounce all claim to ownership. But I miss him. He was my best friend. Aw, there, there, boy. I'll help you get him back.

I think I'll bottle-feed that one.

Hey! This is a Flintstones Fun Map. Look, Dad wrote something. "'Dino.' Short for dinosaur? "Remember to ask Jeeves."

"This is just a note to say i think about you every day. And when I get you all alone"-- Well, it gets a little bit personal here. I understand. Yoink! Wow. I know. Whoa. Tell me about it.

There's no place left to run, Bart. Hand it over. Oh, Bart. I can't believe you did this. I wanted to surprise you for Christmas. Oh, sweetie, this is the best present a mother could get.

Ah, somebody's a Grumpy Gus. What-- Oh! Oh. Yoink. Ah, for cryin' out loud.

Psst. Lisa, check it out. Tomorrow's fraction quiz. I'll give you the numerators free, but the denominators are gonna cost ya. I don't want your dirty denominators. Well, la-di-da, Lady "Cheaterly." - Can I at least keep you in my Rolodex? - No. I never cheated before, and I never will again.

Come down here! Okay! Oh, honey, please come home. I need you. It's dark in the house and I'm hungry and lonesome, and there's no one there to hear my various witty remarks. What about the gun? It's gone for good, Marge. I finally realized, what's the point of having a gun for protection...

but I rented Fiddler on the Roof, and I will watch it. - Anyway, can I have $40,000? - Hmm? Now, I know I haven't been the best-- Oh, forget it. Honey, did you have any luck? No, but the rabbi gave me this. What is it, Dad? Son, they call it a "droodle."

Get it? Krus-ty!

Oh, who am I kidding? I'm not over Maude at all. Yeah, maybe it was too soon. Well? Aren't you gonna invite me in?

You're probably wondering about the coat hangers. They're to block the satellite that's been spying on me. Okay.

How much am I bid for item 751? 7-5-1? Nothing. No bids for item 751?

Does anyone present know any reason why these two should not be wed? I do. (ALL GASPING) No. You say that part later. I'm sorry, Seymour. I can't marry someone who doesn't want to be with me. (SOBBING)

the eighth being Gomer Pyle's heavenly singing voice-- I give you the Loch Ness Monster! Monty! Monty! Thank you. You're too kind. Yes, that's it. Let it all out. Clutch me to your common bosom. Hey, look. He's getting up.

He's basically a good kid. He's just weak-- morally and in the upper body. Hmm. Please let me slip through the cracks.

Hey-- Ooh! Ohh! So what's the charge, Chief? Vandalism? Smoking? You know what you did, Muntz. Burglary and arson. You're goin' away for a long time. Wha-- Poor Bart.

J Hah, hah, hah, hah Hah, hah, hah, hahJ f Panting f [Record Scratching f J Who iet her jugs outJ J Lyoh, dth, dth, dthp J Marge iet her jugs outJ J Lyoh, dth, dth, dth, dthp J Who iet her jugs outJ

- Tell you what, Smithers. Have him beaten to a pulp ! - But, sir-- - But what ? - Nothing, sir.

I'm getting used to this country life.

Willie. Sometime over the holiday weekend, the beloved grade-four gerbil, uh, Superdude, lost his life. I need you to air out the classroom and give Superdude a proper burial. Gah! Eh, you're lucky you're getting a decent burial.

How I wonder what you are Thank you. I can't believe I used to date him. Lise, you're a shoo-in. Hush little baby don't say a word

Any red-blooded, flag-feeding American would love... the M-320. Celebrate the independence of your nation by blowing up a small part of it. All right. Pretty cool of your mom to let us hang out here.

Either way, we're going ashore. Am I going too? Of course. We wouldn't think of going without the bait. Uh, that is, the bait-thing beauty. The bathing beauty. I covered that up pretty well. Homer! Homer! Homer!

was paid eight dollars for his 32 hours of babysitting. He was glad to get it. Marge Simpson was charged with a violation of penal code Section 618A, wanton destruction of precious antique cans. She was ordered to pay 50 cents to replace the cans...

was a lot more fun than your half-assed over-parenting. But I'm using my whole ass.

It's time to show your support. Sure, Fox makes a fortune from advertising, - but it's still not enough. - Not nearly enough!

This studio has history. Buddy Holly stood here in 1958 and said, "There is no way in hell I'll record in this dump."

Who the devil are you? Homer Simpson. Homer Simpson. What? What are you talking about? Really! Make sense, man. Homer Simpson. Shut up! - I can't understand a word you're saying. - Homer Simpson! You're babbling incoherently like some sort of-- My name is Homer Simpson! Oh, you're a dead man, Burns. Oh, you're dead. You're dead, Burns!

And that's the tooth!

"For preaching Christianity to the Romans, "the Emperor Diocletian sentenced him to death by hail of arrows." (GROANS) Now it's payback time! (GRUNTING) I wish I'd gone to more orgies. (GROANS)

Uh-oh. Oh, for cryin' out loud!

Okay. We're young, rich and full of sugar. What'll we do? Let's go crazy Broadway-style! Yeah!

Good news, boy. I found a pharmacy that carries leeches! Well, it wasn't exactly a pharmacy. More of a bait shop.

Ah! A candy shop. Yes. I'll take two pounds of Bristol's toffee. Oh, and don't wrap it too tightly. I'm hungry now. You've made a powerful enemy today, my friend.

J; Mm-hmm. See you tomorrow!

No arguments here. Man, I really come off like ajerk in this thing.

is that sometimes a little boy's imagination can run away with him. That's the best you can do? You could've at least said you were giving her C.P.R., or rehearsing a play.

I'd say that the pressure's finally gotten to Dad, but what pressure?

Man smart, woman is smarter man smart, woman is smarter Man, this thing's really getting out of hand. Is there anything they won't do? Oh, Homer, this is awful.

Hey, it worked! Well, we were lucky this time. But it's all too clear that some things in this universe... aren't meant to be trifled with. Homer, what are you doing? Something I should have done a long time ago. I'll teach you to mess with my machine!

Here's the mail, Dad. That'll be three dollars for on-couch delivery. And three makes three. This isn't real money. It's printed by the Montana Militia. It'll be real soon enough. Ooh. My first issue of Self-Test Monthly.

Are you going to a rap performance? Hell, yeah. I'm representin' at Murder 4 Life. Know what I'm sayin'?

but The itchy and Scratchy Movie is the defining event of our generation. How would you've liked it if someone told you that you couldn't watch the moon landing? Hmm. That's one small step for man. One giant leap for mankind.

Sugar do-do-do-do do-do aw, honey, honey do-do-do-do do-do You are my caNdy-- Lousy piece of junk!

Gun it, Flanders! It won't start. Something's draining the battery. Sorry.

How could you vote? You're only 10. This is not about me or how many times I voted.

- You little monkey. You're a little monkey, aren't you ? - Yes, sir. Bart, do that thing you do that's so cute. What ? That thing you know how to do. What ? Go to bed. Hey, everybody ! Look ! I'm the funniest guy in the world ! Oh. Oh, Homer, you're the king.

Pose! Pose! Your carpeted floor feels good on my toes.

Happy Valentine's.

I don't care what you say. I can taste the newspaper. Posh! Shredded newspapers add much needed roughage and essential inks. Besides, you didn't notice the old gym mats.

Jimmy crack corn and I'm not there We built this city on rock and roll Something, something day Wow. Look at all the stars you can see here. Those noxious gases from the swamp must magnify them. I'm getting used to this country life. Teacher says I'm whittling at a 10th grade level. And y'all hardly ever bicker anymore.

And when he tried to steal our sunlight, he crossed that line between everyday villainy and cartoonish super-villainy. Bah! He was a rank amateur... compared to Dr. Colossus.

Hang in there, Homer! Only 440 more seconds. He's gettin' his second wind. No, he's gettin' killed! He's gonna die on his feet. I can't watch this. I gotta get outta here.

This is Becky. She's in the second grade. Hi, Becky. Thanks for coming out. "See ya." He writes the way people talk!

- That's some fine chipping, Homer. - Yeah. Can you bank it into the handicapped stall? Seat down.

a baseball team, and I was wondering-- Who's on first? Yes. Not the pronoun, but rather a player... with the unlikely name of Who is on first. Yes. Well, that's just great, Seymour. We've been out here six seconds. You've already managed to blow the routine. Sexless freak.

(DOOR OPENS) (INDISTINCT CONVERSATION) How are those two comely boarders of yours, Ned? Well, Mel, they're swell. Oh, yeah. They're just what my laptop needed.

the library book purchase committee slashed its budget by three percent. First on the chopping block-- periodicals. Boring. And now sports. Bart Simpson telling you to lock the doggy in the barn... 'cause here comes dodgeball action.

Bow-wow-wow-wow wow-wow-wow... If I didn't know better, I'd swear he was trying to moon us. What would you say is your worst quality? I am a workaholic. I push myself too hard.

But I want to go. Well, I would say the matter is settled. You know, I pride myself on being a good host, so I'm obliged to offer you a beer, but I'm so darn mad it's gonna be mostly head. Homer, come back! That's my husband!

We've had a great time together, but we're too different. I don't understand. It's like I'm DC Comics and you're Marvel. I understand completely.

(RAVING) Well, I do appreciate that you've got a cashier's check. Now, do you have any pets? (RAVING) (GASPS) I am Katja and this is Vicki. We make much study at community college.

Here she is! Isn't that cute? She's coughing. Aw. I'm gonna give her a kiss.

I think I'm getting swimmer's ear!

You're a policeman, aren't you ? Excusez-moi. Je ne parle pas Anglais. But you gotta help me. These two guys I'm staying with, they work me day and night.

It's a date. Oh, Homer. Everybody's been calling--

D'oh! Let go! Mmmmm... ohh... ahh... Marge, it's times like this I'm glad I flunked out of that Mexican med school. Hi, Barney. Thanks for keeping me company. No problem. Well, well. If it isn't little Bart.

Also, I taste copper. Quick! Someone perform C.P.R.! I see a bad moon risin' That's C.C.R.

Well, to cheer you up, I rented a couple of videos. "Boxing's Greatest Weigh-Ins" and "Yentl." Yentl? What's that? It deals with a bookish young woman's efforts... to enter rabbinical school. Sounds great! Oh, my God! You're delirious. Hmm.

Okay, the museum's gotta be north of here. Now, which way is north? Aha! It's springtime, so the geese must be flying back north! Hey!

Good morning, class. A certain... agitator-- For privacy's sake, let's call her Lisa S. No, that's too obvious. Uh, let's say L. Simpson--

And how. Gee, I'd hate to close you down. Maybe we can reach a little, uh, understanding here. I understand. Um, hey, Dad, I-- I think he wants-- Not right now, Son. Daddy's talking to a policeman.

You will get wet. just in the nick of... Mmm. Beer. I've only got five minutes till the music store closes. Go there first. Do I tell you what to do? Sorry, Homer.

And Burns can never take that away from you. Freeze! U.S. State Department. We'll take those. We've been helping the German government search for this stolen art for 50 years. To avoid an international incident, we'll be returning it... to the descendant of its rightful owner.

Hey, what's goin' on? Hey, this thing's cuttin' off my air! Oh! What are you doing to me? I said start it at 60 r.p.m., then move it up to 100 on the skirt blow! - Sorry, Krusty, I choked. - You choked? You choked?

Do you find something comical about my appearance...

I need to unwind. I know you do, Marge but you know what our vacations are like-- Those three monsters in the backseat-- "Are we there yet? Are we there yet?" And I'm no day at the beach either. "Marge, can I have another sandwich?

You're reading Gravity's Rainbow? Rereading. Sorry. What are you guys talking about? I was making fractals. These girls are brilliant! I finally found kids I can relate to. You guys are so cool! I can't believe I never met you before! Well, I'm Tina, and this is Carrie.

- Jobbers cobknots, ya mucker! - All done. What began as a traditional soccer riot... has escalated into a citywide orgy of destruction.

No! End ofthe line! Hey. You’re not John Ritter.

Fifty-five ? That's ridiculous ! Sure, it'll save a few lives,

Our mayor is corrupt? Well, Mr. X has done this town a great service-- despite his poor grammar and spelling.

Boo. Exit to your left. Sorry. And they're off! There they go!

Okay. I'll pick a religion for me. Judaism. Don't have a cow, man Don't have a cow, man Don't have a cow, man Have a piece of fish Oy! Bart, we're here to bring you back to the one true faith, the Western Branch of American Reform Presbylutheranism.

Loaftime, the cable network for the unemployed. We'll be back with more tips on how to win the lottery right after this. Unemployed ? Out of work ? Sober ? You sat around the house all day, but now it's Duff time. Duff, the beer that makes the days fly by.

Ah, I can't believe we ate a whole wedding cake. And an entire pan of funeral fudge.

Herb? Uncky Herb! Bart! Lisa! I'm so glad to see you. You weren't so glad to see me. I'm sorry, but I'm still mad at you. Every word you say makes me want to punch you.

Are you prepared to die, Poochie? No, I am not. Oh, cut, cut, cut, cut.

Why would God punish a kid? I mean, an American kid? Now, guys, leprosy thrives in filthy conditions. So your only chance is to clean up the house.

Oh, it's just Bart and a mysterious stranger. He's not a regular bum, Mom. He's a genius bum. He created Itchy, and he's the father of cartoon violence. He just needs to stay here till tomorrow. We're goin' down to Itchy & Scratchy Studios to pick up his check.

Ah, that stunk! Well, what did everybody think?

Are you interested in politics or government? I don't know. Are you interested in anything? I don't know. - Could you touch your nose for me? Hmm. - Mm. Hmm. Lisa, after meeting your father, I've decided to award you an additional five points.

Orphans lighting candles over a leaking gas line. Lighting candles?

Well, do you understand? Everything except "capeesh." Lousy, stinking piece of crap. Gotta change that answering machine tape! Oh, God, I gotta change that tape!

You're dyin', and you weren't even gonna stop at Moe's... for a last beer with your buddies ?

Oh! Usually a mink massage makes me feel better. But something's missing now. I didn't say stop. Lovely day in paradise, isn't it? Yeah. just like yesterday. Today I'm featuring mouthwatering pork ribs. Tuck in then.

Sit up straight. Eyes forward. No talking. Is that gum? Is that gum? Is that gum?

Bachelors are always squeezing stuff. Would you excuse us, Milton? It's Milhouse. Yeah, and your father's no house. Now, scram. (GROANS)

Dad, we did something very bad! Did you wreck the car? No. Did you raise the dead? Yes!

than fathering three beautiful children. Hike. Oh, I should've punted. Turn it off. Turn it off. Hang on, Dad. This next part will definitely make you feel better about yourself. Hello, Homer. It's me, KITT, from TV's Knight Rider.

(COOS) (ALL EXCLAIMING) Wooo! Now, Marge, you can't say I never take you anywhere. (GRUMBLING) (GROANING) (ALL GRUNTING)

Homer! It was Bart. Why don't we all look at the photo album?

Ren and Stimpy do it all the time. Yes, they do, and when was the last time... you heard anyone talk about Ren and Stimpy? Children, your father and I have fed you and clothed you, but we've neglected something more important. It's time to learn about love. No need, Mom. We already learned in school. This is Fuzzy Bunny.

The wolf's at old Gil's door. Oh, I guess I don't have much choice. Oh, thank God! Now let's talk rustproofing. These Colecos will rust up on you like that.

and they ran away like schoolgirls with their tails between their legs. Way to go, Dad. Hey, where's the food? And why aren't I at school? Yeah. Someone really dropped the ball here. Marge? Marge? Dad, there's a note on the back of your head.

What play? What the hell is he talking about? Marge? I'm gonna sleep down here tonight. Listen, kids. Your mom is going to be living in the basement. But with our love, she'll get better soon.

Because of that disrespectful display, I shall a-now kill a-both of you... unless you both go through the loop... together!

I don't know but I've been told The Parthenon is mighty old How old We don't know That's real good but needs improvement

the garbageman Can and he does it with A smile And never judges you Who caN take thiS diaper

(SOBBING) That mean boy, he dragged me out of the dance. I didn't want to go, but he was too strong! But you got 20 pounds on me. And then, he said I was fat! Oh, I am screwed.

Yarr. Hey, Sea Captain. Giving your toys a Viking funeral, eh? I really don't want to talk about it. If you change your mind, I won't be far. Thanks, but... I've been told I'm a good listener.

Okay. Not a firecracker! Hey! I bought it from a guy on your reservation. That's Crazy Talk. No. It's true. No, I know. That's my brother, Crazy Talk. We're all a little worried about him. Now look into the flame. Look ahead 30 years...

This is legal, right? Yeah, sure. Whatever. These drugs will make the operation... seem like a beautiful dream. Ahh.

To even gaze upon it is to go mad. They're dogs, and they're playing poker! Aaah! We had a story to go with this painting, but it was far too intense.

You have me, sir. Don't be so needy! Well, I'm going to change this town's accurate impression of me. Sir, you could improve your image with various good deeds. Don't I already give out turkey slices to the poor? You eliminated that program in the '30s, sir.

Uh-oh ! Now I got ya ! Aah ! Aah ! Boy must die ! I love you, Dad ! Doh ! Dirty trick. Okay, I'm not gonna kill you, but I'm gonna tell you three things that are gonna haunt you for the rest of your days.

All right! Free laserium. All the colors of the 'bow, man. Ow! Oh. My cataracts are gone. I can see again. All the beauty of na-- Oh!

I was graceful. I was witty. Brother, I was something ! But they didn't care. What is with these people ? Why are they sitting on their hands ? Mom, what's he doing wrong ? I don't know. It was so quiet you could hear each individual smart-ass remark.

Dad, you don't have $10,000. Aw, how they gonna find me? Folks, we just reached our goal of $10,700, and it's all thanks to one generous caller who didn't leave his name. But thanks to Insta-Trace,

Nice try. You're not gonna nail us. But we just want to party. Oh, really? Then play some rock music. Come on, Bart! The Coast Guard's covering the "Doo"! A do-do-do-do-do A do-do-do-do-do

But it's me, Moe, wearing a sailor suit. Moe with a lolly. It's so out of character. Ain't that worth nothin'? Come on. Next. All right, judges, who is our winner? The winner is...

Mmm. Barbecue. Ahh.

Oh, gee, a joke, huh? Um... uh... funny...

It's Bob Seger. Aw, crap!

(SOBS) Yeah, it's you, honey. Please don't cry. (WHISPERS) Keep crying. It's dynamite. (INHALING DEEPLY) Sweetie, tonight you were perfect! Marge, Lisa and I were just discussing how to improve tonight's performance. Now, you're confusing her by telling her she was perfect.

There he is behind that shopping bag. A croissant? What the-- Oh, that's right. - They have breakfast at Tiffany's now. - Only till 11:00.

I was heading to Mexico.

Duh! A challenge I could do. It was worth sneaking into town. That was some good corn.

Expiration date, june 1989, uh, 2012, yeah. Homer, are you ordering junk off the TV again? Shh! They'll hear you.

Maybe I can isolate it. (REWINDING)

D'oh! Let me through. I'm her husband. That explains a lot. Try to talk her out of there but don't put your lips on it. Hello. Hello!

These are the people who saw an overcrowded marketplace and said, "Me too."

Bart's gay? Bart? Uh-- Whoo! Wrong file.

Where are my kudos?

All right, then. Move along. Nothin' to see here. Show's over, folks.

I'll tell you who. Him! Whoo-hoo!

That's it! You people have stood in my way long enough! I'm going to clown college! I don't think any of us expected him to say that.

Get this kid a magazine-- stat.

And that's why it was the best summer ever. Thank you, Ralph. Now take your seat. Hey, blindy, have a nice trip! Ha-ha! Attention, please. I need a volunteer for a thankless chore.

Hmm! You'll be sorry! Oh! So Connie roamed the prairie alone... planting apples seeds all along the way.

This is hour 57 of our live, round-the-clock coverage outside the Simpson estate. Remember, by the way, to tune in tonight at 8:00... for highlights of today's vigil, including when the garbageman came... and when Marge Simpson put the cat out, possibly because it was harassed.

I think I'm blind. Wha-- Good day to you. Excuse me. We wanted to see the geek...

"Dear Randall Curtis, "your movie stunk smelly butt. I am fine. Sincerely..." I'll write the letter. Marge, you destroyed my interest in weather! "Dear Cosmic Wars fan, I'm glad you loved my film. "Here's a photo of your favorite new character, Jim-Jam Bonks.

Bart, you were a worthy foe.

(CHUCKLES) Remember me for my police work and not the murders... Well done. Their fleet is destroyed. (SINISTER LAUGHTER) Daddy, I had the craziest dream.

I must be the ugliest man alive. Oh, Moe, there's lots of people uglier than you. Like, you ever been to White Castle? Oh, boy. Pigtown, U.S.A. Come on. Look at me. I'm a gargoyle,

Will you leave me alone? It's bad enough you're making me go to your stupid judgment Day. Please, Lisa. I don't know exactly what's gonna happen. But I really wish we could make peace before sunset. Nothing is going to happen, Mom!

A lot of blue hair? What a freak. Ooh!

Ah. Homer, that's your solution to everything-- to move under the sea. It's not gonna happen. Not with that attitude.

Did you have a good time, son ? Yeah, thanks, Pop. Aw, that's the kind of family unity I like to see. Smithers. Yes, sir ? Get that man's name. I predict big things for him down at the power plant. Quick, Bart, give me a kiss.

Hey, look at me. I'm a millionaire. Wow, Dad! You look like james Bond.

Don't stop talking on account of me. I may be a cop, but I'm still your friend. So how are you, Mrs. Krabappel? Law abiding. I'm done.

Hey, hey, I kid. I kid 'cause I love. I tell ya, the best folk in the world are prison folk!

I didn't mean to take sides. I just got caught up in the rhythm.

so after that, it might not be him anymore.

Oh, God. I miss Lisa's cat so much. All right, you know how it works. Every week we eliminate one contestant based on the votes cast by you, the audience.

Halt! Halt! Run, Marge! Save the booty! After him! He has the de Milo! Hey!

I have to raise $60 million, or we're out of business! Why is that, sir? I told you, I pissed it away! Oh, don't make that face. Yes, that's the one. Smithers, I need someone who laughs at all my jokes. You know, honest feedback.

- Mmm! - Wow, Dad! You took a baptismal for me. How do you feel? Oh, Bartholomew, I feel like St. Augustine of Hippo... after his conversion by Ambrose of Milan. Wait! Homer! What did you just say?

Okay, hang on, Homer. Two eye holes coming up. Easy. Easy. Too far.

Ooh! You know what would zest up this hollandaise? A lemon. Dad, do you plan to get in shape? No. Actually, I'm going to eat twice as much. Excellent. Uh, guys, Mom just left the basement. Huh?

Hello, Lenny, Carl, Guillermo. Hello, uh-- Oh, um, uh-- Don't take it so hard, Homer. He's always screwing up people's names. At the picnic, he thought my son Reynaldo was my son Rolando. Can you believe that?

My passion for whacking is waning. Perhaps this will cheer you up. Oh, that's better. I could whack my own mother now. I'm glad you brought that up.

Don't stop talking on account of me. I may be a cop, but I'm still your friend.

Yet so delicious. Dad, today was so great. The animal rights protest, a visit to the Museum of Sadness and Oppression. Well, we should get along. I mean, after all, lam your... father.

Where fun and excitement never start

It sounds like a motorcycle gang. And we don't have backup! We'd better lay low. But Chief, what if they like pizza? Way ahead of you, Lou.

Now, I'm not one to make trouble, but it seems to me that everyone who got to keep the old, or "classic," 636 area code... lives on the rich side of town! Oh, poppycock! I never! Eeeww.

who robs cave fish of their sight who rigs every Oscar night we do we do all right, Marge you've convinced me

Oh... Everyone remember that for when his hearing comes back. Swish! (CROWD LAUGHING) Welcome, everyone, to the Annual Donkey Basketball Classic. I'm sure that "mule" enjoy it.

I'm here about the nanny job. I'll keep a watchful eye on your kids, and if they get out of line-- Pow! I like him. Thanks. Hey, where do you keep the liquor? I hide a bottle of schnapps in the baby's crib.

is if you look deep down inside yourself and you find a spot, something you wish wasn't there,

Why did you do that? Hollywood producers have paid me a fortune, which I've already lost, for the rights to Bart's story. So I have to destroy anything that proves that story's not true. Why did you burn up your shirt? What shirt? I don't see any shirt.

And a heart to match. Hmm. I'd like to help you, Chief, but my license was revoked. Seems I'm full of rage. Then do it for this adorable little puppy. Look at the puppy, Marge. That's your hat. She's good, Chief.

Psst ! Pass it on ! So, Mister, what are we doin' here anyway ? I wonder where Bart is. Yeah. It's way past 1500 hours.

I should've had this talk a long time ago. Thanks, Pop. A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K, L, M, N, "O-men-o," P, S. Hi, I'm Homer Simpson. I need some guidance, Counselor. Okeydokey. Oh, good Lord. Simpson, you should have come to see me a long time ago.

This is the stupidest thing I've ever seen. I can't believe we blew 2,000 bucks on it when right now rollers could be kneading my buttocks.

Yeah? Well, your tree house looks kinda crummy too. Kinda really crummy. Well, when monsoon season comes, you'll be glad it's there. No food, no shelter, no monkey butlers. This island is a death hole.

Like this. What the heckaroonie is this, Mrs. Glick? It is a candy dish, Ned. Ninety dollars. Uh-huh. Well, I, uh-- I guess you could put a lot of nice things in there. No! Just candy, Ned. Ninety dollars! Well, looks like somebody sold something today.

I can't! I'm the designated driver! Yeah, that's swell. Duff wholeheartedly supports the designated driver program. Now, who wants to party?

How about it, Luann? Will you marry me... again? Ooh, no! Oh. Well, uh, can I have my shirts back at least? Okay, you heard the lady. Why don't you take it outside, all right?

Hello, Number Five. How's every little thing? Who are you, and why are you holding me here? I want answers now or I want them eventually! Fair enough. I'll level with you. Ow. Please, don't do that. Sorry.

Everything I know tells me this story doesn't end... with us sitting here and you telling it to us.

This is what I think of your store!

- "Ignoramus." - The fatuity-- Will you shut up ? - Wait a minute. That word you keep calling me-- - Ignoramus ? Ignoramus ! It means I'm stupid, doesn't it ? There is a difference between ignorance and stupidity. Not to me there isn't, Homer ! you ignoramus. You're the ignoramus. Homer, would you like to present your rebuttal ? With pleasure.

Do you see a light, Homer? Yes. Move into the light, my son. Ow!

The streets are for the living! Whoa! Slow down, you maniac! Show some respect for this coffin full of bricks... representing a young man lost at sea. Hey! Oh, great. What did I do?

(GRUNTING) Three, two, one, and you're canceled! Strike the set. You have five minutes to get off the lot. Oh...

I reluctantly accept this highly-paid, glamorous job.

Guys, please, could you give me five minutes? Reverend Lovejoy, I had a bit of an ulterior motive in inviting you to dinner. What? No, it's nothing bad. I'm just concerned because my husband hasn't been attending your services lately. Well, I wasn't sure I was doing the right thing, but then God himself told me I should seek a new path.

Is that normal? Yeah, he's just playing Wiggle Puppy.

Your Internet ad was brought to my attention, but I can't figure out what, if anything, CompuGlobalHyperMeganet does. So, rather than risk competing with you, I've decided simply to buy you out. This is it, Marge. I poured my heart and soul into this business, and now it's finally paying off. We're rich! Richer than astronauts!

I'll bet whoever gave him those dogs is kicking themselves now.

(CHOKING) Okay. Now we know you're allergic to cauliflower. But I made a special platter of vegetables that are good for you. It graffiti you can eatie.

"Step one: Right in front of you is a blue handle. Pull for a controlled burn of 2.4 seconds." Now it's heading for the church!

Apu, give us a Super-squishy. One that's made entirely out of syrup. Entirely ou-- An all-syrup Super-squishy? Oh, sir, such a thing has never been done. just make it happen.

You'll be a bonehead ! Come on ! Put it all on 41. I've got a feeling about that number. - The wheel only goes to 36, sir. - Okay, put it all on 36 ! I've got a feeling about that number. Dad, no !

I'm... going outside... to... stalk... Lenny and Carl. D'oh!

Hi, Dad. Want me to cut out this infernal racket ? - Oh, let me hear you play. - Why ? Does a father have to explain ? Let's just share your gift, okay ?

Fading. Gone. Come, family. Sit in the snow with Daddy, and let us all bask in television's warm, glowing, warming glow. Live from Broadway,

That's just the sound of the pelota hitting the fronton. I find it soothing. Thanks for letting us stay with you. Oh, please. It is such an honor to host our favorite family.

And why are we gonna do it? Liberal guilt. Yay! I'm so proud of what you guys are doing, I even tipped off the local paper. Yeah, she sure did. And I've already got the perfect headline-- "Activity Participated In by Some." Hey, that's great.

Nice try, Floyd, but you were designed for scrubbing. And scrubbing is what you shall do. Hmm!

Hey, hey! Krusty the Clown is dating your mom! (GUFFAWING) (BOTH SCREAM) When Jenda hears about my great new career, she'll definitely take me back.

The tournament's not till tomorrow. Okay, get ready for the serve. Aaah! Get 'em off! Get 'em off! How embarrassing. You take over, Bart. Lisa! Lisa, beer me.

Hmph. How about "Screw Flanders"? Bon appÉtit. Ehh, both's good. Not bad! Not bad at all! We're gonna run this on page one... of section H-2.

Dad, can we stop at Flickey's? No.

Simpson, the American people... have never tolerated incompetence in their public officials.

Oh, Abe! You've aged terribly. What do you expect? You left me to raise the boy on my own!

Prepare for the end! The end of high prices! What?

You are a wise woman. It is a shame you dress like a Lebanese prostitute.

Twenty-one, sir. Get in the chair. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Attention, all personnel, please keep working...

We all want peace! But it's always just out of reach. Oh! Uh-huh. So, what's the best way to get peace? With a knife! Exactly! Not with the olive branch, but the bayonet.

You know, they say that the love of a good woman can save any man.

Kids? Therefore, effective immediately, I am imposing a curfew.

Oh, can we keep him, dad, please ? But he's a loser ! He's pathetic ! He's-- A Simpson.

Peanuts... butter. Now we just put the top on. Hey, I didn't get where I am putting tops on things. Now let's make jelly.

Springfield Municipal Court is now in session. judge Moulton presiding. Your Honor, my client has instructed me to remind the court... how rich and important he is, and that he is not like other men. I should be able to run over as many kids as I want !

All right! Whoa! Bonanza! - Let's load it up before the rats regroup. - Right. Now, remember, don't mention this to anyone-- not to your mother, not Rex Banner, not anyone!

Wait a minute. I'm not sure about this. Every time we've ever gone on vacation, I end up being horribly embarrassed. We end up in a big fight, and we come home more miserable than when we left. You have to promise me that this isn't gonna happen this time. Embarrassed? What are you talking about? Well, there was our trip to the Amish country. Oh, yes.

I got a lotta love to give, and, right now, my only outlet is my ham radio. Are you sure you've thought this through?

Attention, passengers. Please prepare for our landing in Tanzania. I'm sorry. It is now called "New Zanzibar." Excuse me. It is now called "Pepsi Presents New Zanzibar."

Oh, Abe. Oh, Zelda.

So what do we do with our friend here? Uh, throw him in the Dumpster? No, no, no. I really want to give the lovable scamp a good home.

But I hope you're not mad at Cap'n Crunch... (GASPING) (CHOKING) (GRUNTING)

I'm familiar with B.O.C. But you have got a boy here who is crying out for adult supervision!

Yes. Are you quick to anger?

I mean, it was a beautiful evening. Let's not ruin it. just this. Oh, Artie, please. Come on. Kiss me. Oh, Artie. Please. Really, I mean it ! Now, stop it ! I'm sorry, Marge. Take me home, Artie. Well, it's 1:00.

All right. You're dismissed. I'll take it from here. But, Mr. Burns, you're exhausted. Yes, but I have a little secret. I've obtained a rare, powerful aphrodisiac. It was made from the pockets of the pocket fox,

“Botched.” What is that, the word ofthe day? You had no right to make my bosom this ample! Just come back in 48 hours. I can remove the implants. Oh, I'll come back, all right, and I'll bring my husband to do a little malpractice on you) Yes, your husband. I'm sure he's going to be furious.

Okay, Homer, don't panic. Let me do the talking. Here he is, folks, the man who saved PBS, Homer Simpson.

Baboons to the left of me, baboons to the right. The speeding locomotive tore through a sea of inhuman fangs. A pair of the great apes rose up at me, but bif-bam, I sent them flying like two hairy footballs. A third came screaming at me!

Oh, I wish I could believe you.

Wake up! Wake up! Wake up!

Thank you. Come again.

You know, a town with money's a little like the mule with a spinning wheel. No one knows how he got it, and danged if he knows how to use it. Mule. The name's Lanley, Lyle Lanley, and I come before you good people tonight with an idea.

Well, I admit it looks bad, Flanders, but haven't you heard of... "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone"? Got him, Dad.

We were robbed? Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh. How could somebody-- I know! Can... we... skip... church?

Good-bye, Bart. Good-bye, Lise. I hope you get reincarnated as someone who can stay awake for 15 minutes.

Well, my family wants to move back to Springfield. Let 'em go. You'll stay here with me. We'll go bowling. What's bothering 'em?

What the- Half goes to Bart, half goes to my Vegas wife. What’s left for Moe? Homer, dont make things worse. I'll show you worse! l was told this would be televised!

Wait. You gotta use these drops. They prevent your eyes from crusting over. Oh, here we go with the add-ons. No, thanks.

Make sure your father takes his mood medication. I'll medicate you! Honey. You know, this could be fun. Race you to the kitchen, my little tetherball. You're on, rope-a-dope! Today we're going to talk about predicates...

I'm laughing already. It's not a comedy.

What's going on? Supplying false information on a national park register is a federal offense, which you've committed at every national park from Acadia to Zion. You're going away for a long time, Mrs. Simpson. Or should I call you "Anita Bonghitt"?

You give me fever when you touch me fever when you hold me tight fever ha Kill me. Well, Seymour, it seems we put together... a baseball team, and I was wondering--

You know you're not supposed to go in there. What is your fascination with my forbidden closet of mystery?

I thought we were gonna play fun games at camp. Oh, here's one! It's called "Stay out of my way." Idiot. YOUNG MARGE: Oh, no. My retainer.

Hmm. Did you spend an unforgettable night with a soldier from the US Army in 1944? You did? Was he from the 1st Infantry Division? He was? And was he a gentle, caring lover? He was? Sorry I bothered you.

Geez, I'd like to, but if they don't kill the intruder, it's really bad for their society. - They're gonna kill him? - Eventually. First they'll eat his skin. Ew!

Goodbye, friends. OLD SEA CAPTAIN: "So Eden sank to grief.

Why, this rickety ladder in front of this door... is the perfect place for this priceless Ming vase. Eh? Eh? I didn't do it.

No, this is true. The Coast Guard arrested Boy George... for scraping the barnacles off his dinghy. Hi-yo! Hi-yo!

Prepare to engage enemy.

Uh-oh. My beard. I broke my beard. Oh, my God! We can't let Homer know!

Uh... maybe a little later, Bart.

- Hello ! - Hello. You may not remember me. I'm Homer Simpson. I mooned for rebuttal. Yes, I remember. So, um, you want to go out with me ? Well, I, uh-- I don't think you're my type.

versus Cin... Cincinnati. cin... Cincinnati. na... Cincinnati. ti... Come on! Don't you realize this is costing me money? we must consider... many things. The wind... D'oh, not the wind! is blowing out of the... west...

Hey! Come back! I'm calming down!

Now, where's the inside man? Mmm? Call me mint jelly, 'cause I'm on the lam! Ahh! So we're under arrest for fraud? Yes, fraud.

Something indoors-y. Close to a bathroom? I'll put you on rig 13 as soon as they burn off the corpses. This job will be perfect. I'm gonna leave this world the way I entered it-- dirty, screaming and torn away from the woman I love.

Looks like you can't retire by age 12. Yeah. But at least now that my show's canceled, I don't need material. So there's no need to lure my dad into the trap I set for him. The trap!

Give me a hundred lotto tickets, Apu, because Mr. X is on a roll. Stop it, Apu. You're scaring me. Aah! Aah! What's going on? Help! I'm being kidnapped!

Springfield University homecoming? Finally, a chance to relive my golden college years. Dad, you only took one course. Remember my love affair with Ali MacGraw? She used to call me "preppie." Then she died. Oh. There's a homecoming parade, a cocktail party.

I'd like to talk about a subject... that is very important to me. The Boy Scouts of America have molded men... for over 100 years, and--

Clean. Clean. Pistol. Uzi. Two kids posing as an adult.

Can't you see I don't want to be Krusty anymore? - That's why I faked my death. - But we saw your plane crash. Yeah, but I wasn't in it. just before I hit the mountain, I jumped out of the plane... into a carefully placed net.

Good job, kid. What's your name? I'm Bart Simpson. I saved you from jail.

Dad, I think you're wrong about that robot trying to be your friend. Lisa, don't... contradict... your... elders. My hair. You chopped off my hair! Oh, God, I'm ugly!

The Grand Exalted Leader requests a moment of your time. Class dismissed. Yea. Lisa, you were right. My happiness is fading. You're experiencing spiritual emptiness...

while scraping the edges with a very stiff rubber spatula. Now let's look in on our hush puppies. Ahh. Ah--

Uh-oh! Somebody's got tired little legs. Hm! Uhh! Hmm. I wonder where the flip-flops are? Menswear? Maybe it's Sporting Goods. Wait, no, Sleepwear.

No need to fear it

Hey, Homer, slow down. You're going to choke or something. Don't tell me how to eat doughnuts. Hey, Homer's choking again. Isn't there a first-aid chart around here somewhere? Somebody scare him. That's for the hiccups.

This is KBBL, K-Babble, all talk, 24 hours a day. If you'd like to share your embarrassing problem with our audience, we invite you to call our therapist of the airwaves, Dr. Marvin Monroe. Our number is 555-PAiN. Don't be afraid. Call now.

Maybe when the Tooth Fairy saw it was your last baby tooth, she realized you're not a little boy anymore. So she gave you a grownup gift. I'm not gonna grow up! (CHUCKLES) Oh! Yes, you are. Why in the right light, you're starting to get your own muzzle. I thought it was chocolate milk. Yeah. That's how it starts.

We're jamming, Mom. She's painting my music, and i'm playing to her painting. Isn't it wonderful to have a hip female influence in the house? Yes. Well, I guess I'll go roll socks. It's not hip, but it has to be done. Actually, you could just tie them at the ends. That way the elastic doesn't wear out.

Oh, it's morning! I gotta get back. Ooh. Oh, no.

Please dont go, Bart! I'll let you swear in the house.

We replaced the fanfare with classical music. And instead of chasing a rabbit, the dogs chase a diploma. The world has already taken note of our accomplishments. Springfield has moved up to number 299... on the list of America's 300 most livable cities. Take that, East St. Louis.

Stroke! Stroke!

Uh, uh, uh-- What's the matter ? Can't you read ? No, I can't ! I can't read or write ! I admit it ! I'm totally illiterate. Now are you happy ? Can it be that the champion of child literacy can't even read himself ? Is it a crime to be illiterate ?

Ah, we'll run that cable through here. Careful, now. Hey. Didn't you direct Unnatural Discretion? Well, yes, I did. Hoo-whee! Whoo! Oh! You know, I never walk out of a movie, but, yuck!

I think the rules are cool I've fallen in the pool SEYMOUR: Mmm! Not a cloud in the sky. A perfect day to unveil Operation S.L.A.A.A.M. So Long Athletics, Art, and Music. Care for a t-shirt? T-shirt? Why don't you just give me a sandwich board that says "male prostitute"?

If we don't find Dad, this crazy French guy is gonna kill him! Only your father could take a part-time Job at a small-town paper... and wind up the target of international assassins. We can find him faster by splitting up. You take fried foods, you take salty snacks, I'll take desserts.

Aaah ! Oh, no, not again. Get over to the-- Aaah ! Gee, Dad, you're really bad at this.

Tantrum averted. But now I can't forget the cat.

Hey, that guy's shaming us.

I want it blurred. So, Mom, what are you gonna do with your day off? I just want to relax, and forget that I'm part of that thin blue line... which stands between civilization and chaos. Bart, it's illegal for you to operate that class-nine vehicle...

I'm afraid there's no law against mailing threatening letters. I'm pretty sure there is. Ha! The day I take cop lessons from Ma kettle-- Uh, hey, she's right, Chief. Well, shut my mouth.

My superior brain advises you to enter the franchise fair.

Hello. I'm Shary Bobbins. Did you say Mary Pop-- No. I definitely did not. I'm an original creation, like Ricky Rouse and Monald Muck. Now, as your nanny, I'll do everything, from telling stories to changing diapers. Put me down for one of each.

Uh, being a clown sucks. You get kicked by kids, bit by dogs and admired by the elderly.

Krusty the Clown is brought to you... by the new Gamestation 256. It's slightly faster... to the max! 256? And I'm stuck with this useless 252. Don't destroy me. I can still make you happy...

Aw. It's no use, son. By the time I get out of here, you'll be grown. Turn around, turn around Turn around and you're a young man

Oops. Almost forgot. Picking up a new kid today.

Oh, for God's sake! Contraband!

Okay, plan "B."

Homer, what is it? Slow down. Yer getta ferda redda oura. Think before you say each word. You broke a promise to your child. What? You promised Lisa to help her with her costume.

We got the water balloons ? Two hundred rounds, sir. Is it okay if they say "Happy Birthday" on the side ? Well, I'd rather they say "Death From Above," but I guess we're stuck. Okay, our main force will be split into two groups.

Mmm. Sixty-four slices of American cheese.

Hello, Police? This is Marge Simpson. My husband is on a murderous rampage. Over. Oh, well, thank God that's over. I was worried there for a second. No answer. Don't worry, Mom. I can use my "shinning" to call Willie. And that was the first time she'd ever flown a plane.

Well, looks like another beautiful 80-degree Thanksgiving Day, thanks to global warming. Isn't that right, Leeza Gibbons? That's right, Kent Brockman.

Monster fever has gripped Springfield by the throat. And it's all thanks to one man-- Montgomery Burns has captured not only a legendary monster, but also our hearts.

Principal Skinner, remember how I didn't sue... when I found that scorpion in my applesauce? Well, I'm calling in a favor. Mmm, I knew this day would come. Attention. All honor students will be rewarded... with a trip to an archeological dig!

Well, Homie, I believe you're telling the truth about the Isotopes. I don't mind being called a liar when I'm lying, or about to lie, or just finished lying. But not when I'm telling the truth!

Uh- Um, "E"- Alex, your word is "rigged"-. as in "This contest is rigged." R-I-G-G-E-D. "Wigged."

Start the bus, Otto! Start the bus! Damn! I shouldn't have eaten the mint first. Okay, hop on. Wait! Wait!

Hey. Look. There's a big crowd to welcome us back, even though we lost.

Can you tell us what it's like in there? Um, it's like, uh-- Did anyone see the movie Tron? No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. Yes. Er, um, I mean, no. No.

Ow. Ow. Boy, I'm feeling this. Ow. Ooh, my head's gonna be sore in the morning. Excuse me. You're doing this station all backwards. Let me show you how to do it like a man.

One, two, three, four One, two, three, four Nelson's at the Elm Street Video Arcade. Intelligence indicates he shakes down kids for quarters at the arcade. Then he heads to the Quick-E-Mart for a cherry Squishy. Then that's where we'll hit him. When he leaves the Quick-E-Mart, we start the saturation bombing.

No. Seymour! The house is on fire! No, Mother. It's just the northern lights.

Live from the corner of Zany Avenue and Martin Luther King Boulevard, it's The Krusty The Clown Show! with special guest Buck McCoy. And now, here's Krusty! We've got such a great show tonight. I won't be doing a monologue because my feet hurt. And now, our opening sketch.

Oh, I got one! How do you make a King Lear? Put the queen in a bikini! Here's another one. "Knock knock." "Who's there?" "juliet." "juliet who?" Juliet so much pasta fazool, Romeo doesn't want her anymore!

So that's all it takes- a little prayer. f Male Announcer] Andnow Ken Burns... a documentary b y Ken Burns about the iife of Ken Burns. Ewl Where's the remote? Ever since he Was a young man, Ken Burns has io ved two things- baseball andjazz. They so consumed my iife. ..

Good-bye, my Coney Isle-- Good-bye, my Coney Isle-- Good-bye my Coney Island babe Good-bye my Coney Island babe

Butch Patrick! That's right. I was TV's Eddie Munster. And being in the public eye didn't mess me up one bit. Mm-hmm. Well, obviously. Hey, one question, Eddie. Butch.

Hmm, I better go check that out. Now, Homer, don't you eat this pie. Okay. All right, pie, I'm just gonna do this. And if you get eaten, it's your own fault!

Well, I don't want to lie. Six days a week the place is a hockey rink. Well, this is a rock concert not the bleedin'... splish-splash show. Ladies and gentlemen boys and girls... Duff Beer, in association with Laramie Cigarettes is proud to welcome Spinal tap!

Yeah, I know. I know. But the bad news is... we gotta start havin' designated drivers. Are you kidding me? We'll choose the same way they pick the pope. Everybody reach in and draw a pickled egg. Whoever gets the black egg stays sober tonight.

Now, this means there is to be no wising off, no face-making and no grass-eating. This means you, Ralph! Yes, sir. Hello, children. Hello, Bart. Eep! Young friends,

I'm sorry. This whole concept's foreign to me.

It turns out the zebra did it. I don't get it. Dad, the zebra didn't do it. It's just a word at the end of the dictionary. I still don't get it. It's just a joke. Oh, I get it! I get jokes.

We're out of here. Whoa, careful now. These are dangerous streets for us upper-lower- middle-class types, so avoid eye contact, watch your pocketbook, and suspect everyone.

Some other time maybe. Today I'm just hanging out at home. (DOORBELL RINGS) Hey, Bart. I "borrowed" my uncle's pellet gun. You want to go shoot Apu? Oh, that does sound fun. But not today. I think I'm just gonna hang out at home.

Damn, damn, damn. McBain. Yes? I'm not gonna make it. Oh, stop talking crazy.

Poochie's dead! Well, kids, we all know that sometimes when cartoon characters die, they're back again the very next week. That's why I'm presenting this sworn affidavit...

So, what do you do for fun around here? Craig and Amy were digging a well. Craig and Amy were also building a chapel. Craig and Amy, Craig and Amy. Why don't you just marry Craig and Amy? I told you we should have asked them. How's the TV reception here? Excellent or--

I'm afraid it's not that simple. His blood type is double-O-negative. It's quite rare. But I'm B-positive. Damn this common gutter blood in my veins ! Smithers, don't feel so bad.

Oh, there she is. Lisa Simpson will now read her essay-- I would like to read a different essay, if I may? Um-- Okay. The city of Washington was built on a stagnant swamp...

I don't like him either, Mom. But I'm doing a report on local politics for my school project. You think you're so big 'cause your class always gets to do projects. Well, um, I'm doing a school project on, uh, fireworks! Bart, I wish you wouldn't lie like that.

Ha-hal Young man, you’re not in this class. What are you doing here? Laughing at jerks.

Any of these boys would be thrilled to have a bigger brother like you. Ugly. Wiener. Crater-face. Suey! Suey! Eh, maybe this was a mistake.

Mrs. Burns is 122 years old, so try to sound more desiccated. And she doesn't call her son "Mr. Burns."

Back then we didn't care what anyone thought,

Dogs are idiots. If I came into your house and started sniffing at your crotch and slobbering all over your face what would you say? If you did it, sir?

Homer, it's Moe. Uh, look, some of the ghouls and I... are a little concerned the project isn't moving forward. Can't murder now. Eating. Oh, for crying out loud. Come on. No!

Hmm. So, is it okay if I go to the Women's Conference with Chloe? Let me think about it. No.

Damn, damn, damn. McBain. Yes? I'm not gonna make it.

Oh, I see by the big board we got a Negative Nellie in Sector 2. I'm afraid I'm gonna have to ask the whole family to kind of freeze... and prepare for re-Neducation.

Yes! Whoo-hoo! Whoo-hoo! Yeah, she's going to marry me! In your face, everybody! Whoo-hoo!

Uh, Homer? Oh, right.

Doctor, before we begin, I have a couple questions. Time is money. Ask the mask. What if I just do aerobics- Hmm. That's funny. Hmm. I dont feel sucked out.

Do you hear voices? I'm hearing one now, though I'm trying to watch TV. Yes. Are you quick to anger? Bart, shut up or I'll shut you up! Yes. Do you wet your pants? Even the best of us has an occasional accident.

Mmm. Hmm! Scram! Those bullies are gone now. You idiot! They were beating out my shirt fire. My heart was in the right place, jerk!

- Oh, yeah. - ts hard, all right. Wrong! Life is easy! You suck!

Hmm. Slivered almonds for the green beans. I'll be right back.

Okay, Mr. Rat. We've got A little playmate For you. Should I get the backup lion, Chief? Would you?

I should've got off in Crackton.

He was a kind man. He gave to his community... and asked little in return. He never-- That's a woman? Dear Lord! Well, I guess... most of what I said can be salvaged. Take a seat, bozo.

Hawaii, here we come. No. No. We're going to Paris. I can feel it. Come on, Transylvania. No, mon, let's go home to jamaica. I and I been in Babylon too long.

Some of which happened in this very theater.

Hi, Mrs. Simpson. My mom said I'm not to look at you. What’s with the belt, Mom? ts for my back spasms. lf guys didnt keep pinching my tush, I'd never stand up straight. I thought you liked all the attention you were getting. I'm afraid all that attention is from the wrong kind of people.

Huh? Wow. Mental note: Don't overdo this.

Steady. Steady. Oh, nicely played, sir. Attention, passengers. The train has been temporarily delayed... because of a discarded couch on the tracks.

"And the ugly duckling was amazed to realize it had grown into a beautiful swan." So you see, children, there is hope for anyone. Even me? No. Uh, hi. - Hi. - I have soy milk.

Thataway, Son! You made your old man proud. I didn't do anything. Aye! They're goin' nuts! Like in those nature films! Yeah. Must be matin' season.

Well, look who's here. Hi, Poochie! You look like you've got something to say.

I see. La-la-la-la la-la-la la-la, la-la la-la, la-la-la La-la, la-la-la la-la, la-la Dad, can we talk to Grampa alone for a minute? All right. But if he starts to wig out, try to lure him into the cellar.

But we've already bought five Golden Globe awards. I don't make movies to win awards. Especially now that I have two Oscars. I make movies for guys like him. Yeah, guys like me. Who are you anyway? Do the words "executive producer" mean anything to you? - Executive producer? - We'll talk.

It's your fault America has lost its way. I'm sorry.

(INAUDIBLE) (ORGAN PLAYING)

The mark! Oh, that. It's just a birthmark-- and I'll thank you not to stare. He's the Chosen One. You are the Chosen One...

Your friends? A neighbor? Those fat cats in Washington? Good luck. Hey, you know, maybe no one'll notice.

Please don't hurt me. You leave me little recourse. And now the Estrogen Network presents Afternoon Yak. Men. Boo! Canceled.

Pathetic humans. They're showing a Halloween episode. In November! Who's still thinking about Halloween? We've already got our Christmas decorations up. BOTH: Ho, ho, ho! Merry Christmas! (CHRISTMAS MUSIC PLAYING)

We've got to crack open your head and scoop out those songs. - I don't know. - Come with me.

Check. Half a gallon of chocolate brownie fudge. Check. Half a gallon of chocolate, chocolate, chocolate chip. Did your mom really write that shopping list ? - Grampa, what a question. - What's next, Lis ? - Sprinkles and syrups. - Hey, Grampa. Aisle six and step on it. All right, but put out that cigar. He drinks out of the carton. He never changes the baby.

lfthe buddy system can fail, I dont know what to believe in. There, there, Audrey. ts happened to all of us.

Oh, yeah. And I'm not easily impressed. Wow! A blue car!

Huh? What? Oh, already? What the hell-- Sorry, lady. I know you. You're Kim "Basin-Jer." It's Basinger. Oh, my God. I'm such a huge, huge fan of yours, Miss "Basin-Jer."

Go ! Go ! What's the matter with you, soldier ? It's my nerves, sir. I just can't stand the barking anymore.

Freud shows how childhood shapes our subconscious mind, but this helps us to think for ourselves. Very good, ian. Does anyone else have an example of a paradox ? Without law and order, man has no freedom. If you want peace, you must prepare for war. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

You just made a big mistake, fly boy! Hey, it worked! Well, we were lucky this time. But it's all too clear that some things in this universe...

Nerd! Homer-- That isn't very nice. Marge, try to understand. There are two kinds of college students: jocks and nerds. As a jock, it is my duty to give nerds a hard time.

On the other hand, monkey see, monkey do.

There's a U.F.O. outside my window-- seriously. Oh, Bart. It's just an old golf umbrella stuck in a tree. C-Can I sleep in there with you guys tonight? No. Can I sit on the roof with a baseball bat, in case a U.F.O. does come? Yes, yes, yes. That's fine. Good. Good.

During the war, Eleanor Roosevelt was the voice of Scratchy. The lady knows funny. First, he wrecks your car. Then he steals mine. Your father's out of control.

Kids, hurry up or you're going to miss your bus. No way. Never happen. Well, I'll be damned. Bart's making faces at me.

That's the plan. I think it's nice we're doing something Maggie will enjoy for once. Besides, I'm sure Storytown Village is also fun for everyone, from eight to God only knows.

You're a ringer, but you're here every night busting your butt hauling radioactive waste. It's a relief from the pressures of playing big league ball. There, you make any mistake, and boom-- the press is all over you. Uh-oh. Don't worry about it. Oh, man, is this ever sweet.

Wait a second. Is that a bong ? Do you have asthma ? All right. Move along. Homer Simpson. I thought you dropped out.

The snow's melted. We can go outside again. I don't like the looks of those teenagers.

Aah ! Oof ! Ow, ow ! Ah ! Doh ! Ah ! Ow ! Ooh !

Uh-oh. A cold wind.

Scaredy got scared! Well, you'd be scared too if you saw a monster.

Oh, my, yes. I'm on a secret project that I'm not at liberty to divulge. Cyborgs.

The long-awaited Eighth Series! "Krusty visits relatives in Annapolis, Maryland." "Krusty poses for trading card photo." Hmm. He seems to be running a little low on ideas. Well, at least you got the gum. Oww! I cut my cheek!

What? Krusty the Clown! What a surprise! Milhouse, you can come in, and drop the charade.

He's a good boy now, and he's getting better, and sometimes even the best sheep stray from the flock... and need to be hugged extra hard. That's exactly the kind of crapola that's lousing him up.

Oh, Smithers, if only you could hear me. Something tells me Mr. Burns needs me. Praise God. That thug has finally gone home for the day. Now I can make my escape. Hi, Mr. Burns. You want your coffee now?

Oh. I was just praying to God that you'll find me sane. I see. And this "god," is he in this room right now?

No. Pierce Brosnan. A voice like his would give our house a much-needed touch of class. All right, but I'm doing this because he was Remington Steele. He was Remington Steele, wasn't he? Yes, I was, Marge. And thank you for selecting me. Well, hello, Pierce. Say, it's a bit stuffy in here.

"Go To Work With Your Parents Day"? Yes, Go To Work With Your Parents Day. Tomorrow you will learn by doing... and apply your knowledge of fractions and gym to real-world situations.

I've got it! We're going out, Marge! If we don't come back, avenge our deaths! All right! Whoa! Bonanza! - Let's load it up before the rats regroup. - Right. Now, remember, don't mention this to anyone-- not to your mother, not Rex Banner, not anyone!

You know I'm a Sagittarius. Really? I'm a Libra. There's a lot of compatibility there. Skinner, be gay on your own time. Today is the day we choose who gets the school's vending machine contract. I anticipate quite the dog and pony show. Sir, this school has a strict no-animal policy. I assume these are hypothetical dogs and poni?

Hallelujah hallelujah

It's one of those Mad Magazine fold-ins. Amazing!

Mr. Simpson, I just wanted to tell you... that you've done a wonderful job with Lisa. You must have read to her at a young age. I did. I did read to her. "8:00. Happy Days. "The Fonz, Henry Winkler, is worried he's losing his cool."

Play the race card. Play it! We appreciate your coming to comfort us. But we're not Catholic. Oh, dear, dear, dear. Well, then I hope you enjoy your stay in hell.

on how we don't have to be second-class citizens. Mom, how can you leave us with this maniac? Hurry, Marge! If we get there early, we can get our pictures taken...

Okay, more coal. Less coal. Less. Less. More. Less. Less. Less. And... none. Perfect. By orders of The Reality Channel...

Oh, man. Another clock accident. No wonder. Look at this. That ought to hold it.

Precious Venus. Thank you!

Yes. Yes, we do. Then grease me up, woman!

It shows how the depletion of our natural resources... has pitted our small farmers against each other. Yes. And birds go tweet. What else?

Somehow I doubt that Homer is excited. Of all the men you could've married, I don't know why you picked one who's always so rude to us. Good one, Dad. Okay, kids, prepare to be dazzled. Marge, turn on the juice !

That didn't go well, did it? Good thing those lesbians knew C.P.R. Oh, what's the use? I'll never be a popular, beloved billionaire like Arthur Fortune. Oh, Arthur Fortune. You know what that fabulous man just did?

This saxophone is like my oldest friend. I've had it for as long as I can remember. You don't remember how you got it? Nuh-uh. Oh, well, it all happened in 1990. Back then, The Artist Formerly Known as Prince was currently known as Prince. Tracey Ullman was entertaining America...

(ON VOICE SYNTHESIZER) I live here now. You're looking at the new owner of the Little Caesars down the street. Pizza, pizza. Pizza, pizza. Pizza, pizza. Pizza, pizza.

Dad, remember when Tom had you in that headlock... and you screamed, "I'm a hemophiliac," and when he let you go you kicked him in the back? Yeah?

Astronomers from Tacoma to Vladivostok have just reported... an ionic disturbance in the vicinity of the Van Allen belt. Scientists are recommending that all necessary precautions be taken. Eggheads. What do they know?

Mr. Speaker, I'm all for the bill, but shouldn't we tack on...

Now who's laughing? Huh? Huh? (LAUGHING) Me. I'm laughing. (LAUGHS)

I really think we need to replace the washer and dryer. How would you like to spend $2,000 to give a broken man a second chance? Nah.

I'll just keep thrashing around like an injured seal.

Yes, but the records only go back to 1978, when the hall of records was mysteriously blown away.

Dad, you don't have to go to a new age store just for me. I know you think this stuff is stupid. Nah, you must be thinking of your mother. I'm always exploring alternatives... and expanding my horizons into realms of-- Can't we just go in? Oh, good! I've been meaning to buy a--

Uh... Maybe later.

Get 'em from the smoke detector. What if there's a fire? The smoke will wake us up.

Knock it off. Snow covers all. Pure, white snow.

Barney! Homer, you saved my life, and I'm not gonna forget it.

Smithers, check out the luscious pair on that redhead. That's it, baby. Work those ankles. Ring-a-ding-ding, sir. Hey, Burns, eat my shorts !

You haven't touched your tongue sandwiches. Are you thirsty? We've got Clamato, Mr. Pibb, and soy milk. That's all right. I think I'll just hit the hay. It's 12:30 in the afternoon. I'm aware of the time. Lisa, you'll sleep in my bed.

I'll start out as a cop, and with time, become a dirty cop. I think I'm going to like this America. Everywhere around the world They're coming to America

All right, where would you kids like to eat tonight? The Spaghetti Laboratory! Face-Stuffers! Professor V.J. Cornucopia's Fantastic Foodmagorium and Great American Steakery. Well, what about this place? Moe's.

My passion for whacking is waning.

That's a hitchhiker, Homer. Ooh, let's pick him up. No. What if he's crazy? And what if he's not? Then we'd look like idiots. We're not picking him up. Oh, yes, we are. There's not enough room. Yes, there is. I just don't think it's a good idea. And I think it's the best idea I've ever had. We're picking up the weirdo, and that's final.

Oh, I love these. I can't believe it. He stole this bit from Krusty! Yeah, well, Krusty stole it from Steve Allen. Oh, everything's stolen nowadays. Why, the fax machine is nothing but a waffle iron with a phone attached. It's ringing. Hello. Is this Krusty the Clown?

courteous aNd eaSygoing they mop up when you're overflowing and tell you wheN your asS is showing who can who can - who Can - who can

Nobody's gonNa tAke my Ned gonna teach him to have fun ooh, he's A FlanderS machine-- That sure was a fun trip to Las Vegas. Eh, too many kids. Ooh. It's goin' on 8:30.

Huh? What the-- Hello! Is there anybody in there? Marge! Homer, are you all right? I guess so. But that first month was pretty rough. You've only been gone two days. Really? Without TV it's hard to know... when one day begins and the other ends.

Not too shabby, eh? They'll have the best of care. And all I ask is that you let the local folks share a little glimpse of your blessing. But is it right to put such young children on display? Sure it is. Huh? Butch Patrick! That's right. I was TV's Eddie Munster.

Another barrier broken. Right on, sister ! Let the destruction begin ! Hey, they forgot my corn dog ! Give me some nachos, Homersaurus. Here you go, Bartasaurus.

Don't worry, Barney. Time heals all wounds. Well, what do you know ? You're right ! And, look, a whole pitcher to myself !

A career? No problem. I speak three languages. Armpit noises are not a language. Oh, yeah? Look, my point is, show Jenda you want to be successful and she might take you back. It's never too late for love. MARGE: Oh, I am so glad you think so.

Mohican? I thought you guys were all gone. No,

Mr. Simpson, I like the way you go nuts over nothing. Now all you have to do is pass this drug test. Hmm. (HUMMING) Hmm? (PSYCHADELIC MUSIC PLAYING)

Homer, this man is from the Good Guy Awards. We honor people who make life better for the community. Like you with your day care center. I contributed by not objecting too much. Aw, that's my girl. Anyway, this film crew will shoot some behind-the-scenes footage of your amazing work. Is there a snack table? It's already set up.

Hi, Milhouse! Hey, I want you to know... that I'm glad at least one of us got the part. Milhouse!

Come on! Not now. I'm... too drunk. No, you're not!

Dancing away my hunger pangs Moving my feet so my stomach won't hurt I'm kinda like Jesus But not in a sacrilegious way Geez. Homer's losing it already.

Why? So you can make me a laughingstock again? No. I want to make you a respecting-stock. I don't know if you've noticed. But I borrowed a lot of your stuff over the years.

"So pick, please, me, Mr. Burns." It's Kurns, stupid! No, it's not. Disregard. Oh, he's the worst yet. That's it. Everyone out, except you. One step to the left.

Homer?! Oh. Marge, listen, we just saw-- Don't be stupid. Dear Marge, xxx-- Homer.

A mechanic? My God! That's it!

The speeding locomotive tore through a sea of inhuman fangs. A pair of the great apes rose up at me, but bif-bam, I sent them flying like two hairy footballs. A third came screaming at me! And that's when I got mad. Now, that's religion!

Ooh, I guess it's time for me to duck again. No! I want everyone to know that...

Now I'd like to introduce you to Lunch Lady Doris, who will serve you healthy, nutritious meals. Yeah, right. Ms. Phipps, the school nurse, who will provide ointments and unguents, and jimbo, the school bully, who will administer noogies and nipple twisters. I look forward to whaling on all of you. There waS A farmer had A dog

W-W-Wait a minute. I've been setting my drinks on these things. They're only 35 calories apiece. Hello. Hello ! Hello, taste ? Where are you ? You can put a little something on top for flavor. Hey, now you're talkin' !

Teamwork! Come on, Bart! If I don't save the wee turtles, who will? Gah! Save me from the wee turtles!

That's Springfield, Steven. Oh, yeah. Right. Are you ready to rock? Yeah! I said, are you ready to rock! Yeah! Hit it! Backstroke lover, I was hiding 'neath The covers you Was talkin' to your daddy and sayin'

Grampa, I know in your day spanking was common, but Homer and I just don't believe in that kind of punishment.

Cover me, Sarge. I'm going after Bart's soul. If the ayatollah can't have it, no one can!

You're gonna blow it! Ah. That's what I get for having faith in ya. Oh. My father never believed in me.

My thumb! Quiet, please. Some of us are trying to weld. Almost done. Just lay still. Lie still. I knew that. Just testing. Sentence fragment. "Sentence fragment" is also a sentence fragment. Must conserve battery power.

Oh. Oh, good. This will sound crazy, but at first... I thought I'd enraged you again.

As of this moment, Lionel Hutz no longer exists. Say hello to Miguel Sanchez. Mmm, maybe we should call it a night. Okay. I should get home to my daughter before that naked talk show comes on. Ah, young love.

or dogs with bees in their mouth, and when they bark, they shoot bees at you? Well, go ahead. Do your worst. He locked the door! I'll show him!

Well, that's a relief. This is less encouraging. Hello!

No wonder she's so spicy. Bart, you’re a little young to be growling at seven-foot Chinese ladies.

I can't believe that historic rock is gone. My poem has become an elegy. An elegy no one will ever hear. Well, at least some good came out of today. Bart, you're grounded for a year! I'll just pay the fine. Okay. Three bucks.

- "Thriller." - No.

Yes, I will! Isn't it wonderful? Master Hugh has found a true love.

My little girl likes Red Vines! You little... (SCREAMING) Mr. Simpson, please stop! You think I can't kill you? There's a hundred little punks graduating from Syracuse this year that would beg to kiss my ass! Get outta here! (WHIMPERING) He's crazy!

No, no, no. I've got something even more special in mind. it's not unusual to be loved by anyone

This is my only chance to be cool! Now please, let me give you a wedgie in front of these guys. No way! Please? I'll be gentle. Oh, fine. Wedgie! (LAUGHING) Milhouse, you went Cap City on him.

Hmm? There you are! Thought you could get away, huh? Good-bye.

[ Humming Edgar Winter's "Frankenstein" ) Otto, welcome. Apu, hey. Got a bad case of the munchies, man. Time for a heat-lamp dog.

Lisa, no! Your hands are too weak. Stop that. I'm gonna kill him. No, I'm killing him first.

- Ahoy, this place bites. - Bart. So, what's it gonna be, me little bucko ? Hm, let's see. This evening I shall go for the... - squid platter, - Ew. with extra tentacles, please. Oh, Bart. Excuse me, sir.

Oh, Lord, what should I do? Keep Gaming.

Barney, you gotta fly us up there and save my kids. I can't. I've never flown solo. Barney, the call is from heroism. Will you accept the charges?

Five minutes, Krusty. Oh, I ain't going back out there. No, five minutes to get your stuff and get out.

Forget it. I'd rather get a zero. Good for you, lass. I got me a zero once, and my life turned out just fine.

Marge, I would appreciate it if you didn't tell anybody about my busy hands-- not so much for myself, but I am so respected, it would damage the town to hear it. - Good night. - Yeah, right.

Well, as jerry Lee Lewis would say, "There's a whole lotta frowning going on."

My mom's French, so we only celebrate Bastille Day. Well, we could do something fun. Um, how 'bout a beach party? - Oh, great idea, Lise. - Hey, I know where there's a beach! I know where we could get some baguettes.

Now you all stay here while I go over this way and try to get my bearings. What am I gonna do ? I've murdered us all ! I've murdered us all ! I've murdered us all ! Shut up !

Shh! Oh, Why'd you have to shush? You ruined the whole show!

I'm sorry. Isn't that-- Yeah, that's me, all right. And the guy standing next to me is President Gerald Ford. And this is when I was on tour with the Smashing Pumpkins. Oh! And here's a picture of me in outer space. You... went into outer space? You? Sure. You've never been? Would you like to see my Grammy award?

Ev-er-y-one is... talk-ing a-bout... Ra-di-o-ac-tive m-an, y'all. Wow! You mean, you were one of the original Little Rascals? Yeah. Which one were you? The ugly one?

D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! I can't go on. (SOBBING) (WAILING LOUDLY)

Come on, lucky seven! Papa needs a new pair of spats. I want some of that sweet, sweet do-re-mi! Fat City, here I come!

Shut up. Where do you want it, Skinner? Not smart. Cool! Hey, When do we get the check for this?

What a day. They found out I was a witch, so I had to leave my family. Really? So you finally left Durwood. His name is Homer.

Krusty didn't rob that store ! Sideshow Bob framed him, and I got proof ! Ow ! My foot ! You lousy, stupid, clumsy--

Why are you in your underwear? Hey, this ain't the Ritz. At least let's have a civilized conversation, shall we? Lisa, how was school? How was what? What? - School! School! - It's not time for school. I know it's not time-- I'm going into the dining room to have a conversation.

Yeah. ' ' He bit mel You saw him! He bit mel You little-

- Vile, little-- - Crook! - Thief! Stealer of money from the collection plate! We've gotta talk. Listen, thanks for not turning me in. That was sweet.

Homer, I'm telling you. This is not the interstate. Maps. Shouldn't we stop somewhere and ask for directions ? Don't worry. This is an all-terrain vehicle.

We heard Sergeant Clark's company singing it, sir. Yes, well, there will be no smut in my company. You're in this man's army to learn. I don't know but I've been told The Parthenon is mighty old How old

You're fired, too!

No. Because they pass the savings on to me, the consumer. Arent you ashamed to lend your likeness to substandard food? Look, I give people a meatlike burger and some kind of cola... and they still get change back from their 50.

Maggie, I'm sorry I was jealous of your special gift. From now on, I'm gonna nurture and cherish... Just tell her which friggin' button to push! Maggie, push the red button. You can do it! Red!

Oh, yeah. That's a fine-lookin'-- D'oh! Okay, no big deal! Stupid Lisa! Gotta build fast. Cement drying! All right. Let's see.

Look in your closet. There's a pair for you. Don't like 'em? Then neither do I! Get the hell outta here! Ha! - Ever seen a guy say good-bye to a shoe? - Yes, once. Mr. Scorpio, this house is almost too good for us. I keep expecting to get the bum's rush. We don't have bums. If we did, they wouldn't rush. They'd be allowed to go at their own pace.

Gentlemen, start your whacking. D'oh!

All right. You two are under arrest for joy riding. You have the right to remain, um-- Uh-- "Silent"? That doesn't sound right.

Burns would still find some way to take it from me. I can't believe you, Grampa. The sergeant in that story you told would never be scared of a dork like Burns. You gotta get that treasure. You gotta do it for Ox and Asa and Griff and Burnsie! Well, not so much Burnsie. You really think I can do it?

Please, Mr. Simpson. I'm afraid I'll have to expel your son-- unless you're willing to try a radical, untested, potentially dangerous-- Candy bar? No! It's a new drug called Focusyn. A drug? I know Bart can be rambunctious, but he's not some hyperactive monster. Gimme an "F"! Good Lord! Gimme an "art"!

You know how much glass is in here?

Here I am rock you like A hurricane Dad, why aren't you looking? Why jerk my neck around like a goon... when Tyranno-Vision decides what I should look at?

You can't leave. I'm your ride home! Dad, you blew it. You listened to Lisa and then you lost your stranglehold on the audience. I'll audience you! (CHOKING) So that's why Bart has all those broken tracheal bones. Tight bow tie, my ass!

Krusty, yeah, quick thought about this restaurant set. Huh? Could it look more like a diner? Ooh, the Seinfeld diner. Are you nuts? I'm on in five seconds! 'Cause the great thing about Seinfeld was the-- You're on, Krusty.

Okay, people, out of my freezer! But we're hot and elderly! I'm sorry, these are reserved for the recently deceased. Hmm. Don't you go too far.

Don't you kids know anything? The serpent of Reheboam? The well of Zohassadar? The bridal feast of Bethchedruharazzeb? That's the kind of thing you should start learning at baptism.

Bah! Welcome to my world. On this edition of Asian Market Wrap-up. There's a volcano waiting to erupt in the Pacific Rim. It's nine medium-term, convertible debentures-- It's no use, Bart.

Stuff starts disappearing-- That's enough. There's a problem with the reactor. What do you do? A problem with the reactor?! We're all going to die! Run! Mmm... mmm.

Homer, why are you laughing? He has the Stockholm Syndrome.

I get to clothe the leper! Lucky! Suppertime, boys. Oh, boy! Liver! Iron helps us play! I wanna go home.

Too bad! You've already signed the deal! Actually, he hasn't. Oh. Well, we highly value your input... until you sign the deal. Let me handle this, Monty. Good idea. I'll be hiding behind that tree.

Here comes something. Remember the story. We're newlyweds on our way to Earth capital. Oh, shazbatt! Even as I speak, the scourge of advertising could be heading toward your town!

Quit riding the brake. Give it some gas, man. Hey, this is fun, isn't it? We're going to die, aren't we?

- Hello ! - Hello. You may not remember me. I'm Homer Simpson. I mooned for rebuttal. Yes, I remember. So, um, you want to go out with me ? Well, I, uh-- I don't think you're my type.

Mmm-- Hmm. Mmm. Hmm. Hmm? Hmm. The left! Go to the left!

Wait. If I remember my Heloise, the trick to getting out gum... is peanut butter. There. Now, that gum should lift right out. Ow.

I'd better call my wife, tell her I'll be late. (SIGHING) If I knew this would take so long, I would've put on a TV. Pizza! Your money's on the counter. No tip. Oh, you miserable bastard! That's why I'm up here.

Oh, Goldilocks. And the three bears! Oh, God, they're in our food!

You know, Marge, in some ways... you and I are very different people.

All right. I will. - In there, guys. - Thanks, Homer.

Good-bye. Bart, Lisa, come here.

Ha-ha! Excellent.

But I don't think I'd go back again next year. It's gettin' too commercial. They've forgotten it's supposed to be about the grammar.

My quilt ! Six generations, ruined !

Good-bye, son. I guess you were right. All that homework was a waste of your time. Thanks, Bart. We got the day off from school for this.

Now, Smithers, you say you painted all your navy buddies this way? Until I was discharged, sir.

Ow! Oh, Lisa, thank God you're okay. D'oh! Ow! D'oh! Ow! You said to crush him, right? No! Are you sure you don't wanna go to a doctor? I mean, a drawbridge did close on your head. Nah, I'll just walk it off.

That elephant ate my entire platoon. Well, I'm not gonna let it happen again!

Go ahead. Charles Montgomery Burns. - Mm-hmm. - American... Mm-hmm. and patriot. American patriot.

Quiet, Lisa. Everyone in the store is looking at you. They should take a good look at themselves and what their church has become! Lisa, it's still the same basic message. We've just dressed it up a little. Like the whore of Babylon? That is a false analogy.

Well, what a lovely gift. Gotta run. So, Mindy, how did you want to pay me the 150 million? Cash'll be okay. Or stock! Does your company have stock?

Man, technology's amazing.

huevos buffaleros, and some fresh-squeezed buffal-O.J.?

I go to the attic and add to my ball of string. Earth base, this is Commander Bart McCool. We are under attack by the Zorrinid brain changers. Quickly, into the safety dome, Milbot. Affirmative, humanoid.

Brave Odysseus, it's been 20 long years. Regale me with tales of your adventures. Quit suffocating me. I'm going to Moe's. Yeesh!

It said I was gay! You all right, Grampa? Oh, daiSy, dais-- Oh, give me your anSwer do-- Will you quit your clowning? I need help here. Ohh!

Well, I'm glad you're always here. But isn't it a little rough on your marriage? You know, Manjula understands. I told her that endless toil is the only true path out of this jerkwater burg. Well, when you have a free night, we'd love to have you two over for dinner. Oh, please. Do not be insane.

He's coming on a ride-along. Maybe this will straighten the boy out. Wow! Can I see your club? It's called a baton, son. What's it for? We club people with it. Well! It's about time. So you guys like being cops? Oh, it's great.

Oh, yeah! You know, I studied your old security tapes. Fee-ee-ee-ee. Fee-ee-ee-ee.

Nevertheless, I have a surprise for you. I hope you all brought forks and plates. Mm-hmm! Ooh! What the-- An enjoyment buzzer.

You told our agent this place holds 30,000 people. It does. We had 30,000 here last night. Now play. The audience is gettin' restless. We want Chilly Willy! We want Chilly Willy! Hey, Red Hot Chili Peppers, would you guys like to appear on a Krusty the Clown special? Sure, if you can get us out of this gig.

You can have the shower to yourself, Homie. I'm finished. Oh, no, you're not. Ohh! Here's your cabin. If you don't like it, T.S.

Oh, General Gao, you were a bloodthirsty fool, but your chicken is delectable. This cookie feels heavy, as if there's some paper inside.

You tell him, Jumbo. And you-- Start over. I want everything in one bag. - Yes, ma'am. - But I don't want the bag to be heavy. I don't think that's possible. What are you, the possible police? Just do it. Hey, hey, watch what you're doin' there, sack monkey. You're bruising my Dura-Log.

It's carne de burro. Nice to meet you.

They'll miss American TV. Any of these islands would make a fine new country. I call president! Vice president! Ooh, there's a big one. And it has "freedom" written all over it. Sir, that's Cuba. Cuba, eh? Take her down, Smithers.

Then we top it off with bacon, ham, and a fried egg. We call it the Good Morning Burger.

We gotta fight the current. Wrong again, Flanders. In a situation like this, you just relax... and let the current take you back to land.

- m f Rock] - J Mama says yes, Papa says no J J Make up your mind 'cause i gotta go J J i 'm gonna raise hell at the union hall J J Drive myself right over the waiiJ J Pip this joint Gonna save your souiJ J Round and round and round we go J J Roll this joint Gonna get down io wJ

Why would you want to work at a Kwik-E-Mart?

Oh, fired. I can't believe it. NeXt, on Exploitation Theater-- Blacula, followed by Blackenstein, and the Blunchblack of Blotre Blame. Whoo! Funky. But first, this word.

"You jive turkey!" See? You got to sass it. "Quit jivin' me, turkey!" You got to sass it.

This watermelon won't know what hit it. I love our Tuesdays together, Dad.

- Plus the baldness. - Okay. I'm sold.

Hi, kids! Welcome to Kamp Krusty! I'll see you in a few weeks. Until then, I've turned things over... to my bestest buddy in the whole wide world-- Mr. Black. I want you to treat-- Mr. Black. with the same respect you would give me.

What's that, Mother? They have a right to be here. It's school business. I-- Mother, that sailor suit doesn't fit anymore! I think we should go. Uh-huh.

Find me some good players-- living players. Scour the professional ranks-- the American League, the National League the Negro leagues. I'm on my way. Oh, and, Smithers you have 24 hours.

We're talking about Bart! Oh. That guy. I think the problem here is discipline. If Bart does something wrong, you should punish him. Well, we try. But he has this way of making us think we've punished him, when actually we've completely caved in. He's the boy you love to hate.

Oh. I gotcha. One, two, three, four, I declare a thumb war. One, two, three. Hey, that was a fast count. Remember when I said I would eat you last? I lied.

You're eight hours early for work. I like that. Did you kill my principal? Chinese guy with a moustache? No. My principal. That Skinner guy? No, we didn't kill him. NobodY move! You're all under arrest for the murder of Seymour Skinner. What's a murder? Don't play dumb with me. Cuff them, boys.

There's nothin' we can do. Yeah. I agree. You wanna start on tryin' to get Apu out of jail? Okay.

No, you can't hurt Bart! He's-- Well, he's your son. What? Well, not literally. But in a way, isn't he everyone's son?

Uh, no offense, Homer, but your half-assed under-parenting... was a lot more fun than your half-assed over-parenting.

Not since that nice fellow from the bank-- who was only doing his job-- came and locked it up. You're living in your car?

Mango lime salsa? That's the kind of bold flavor they enjoy in... Albuquerque! He's right! Yeah! And the wrapper says "Albuquerque Isotopes"! Homer was right!

Look at those filthy, lazy, flea-ridden-- Oh, hi there! Hey, check it out. Is that Abe Simpson? Geez, man. We haven't seen you since Woodstock. You went to Woodstock? Your mother dragged us both to that godforsaken lovefest!

Tiptop-notch! Okilly-dokilly. Thankilly-dankilly. Greatalicious. Scrumpdiddlerific.

Here's a tip. Put a pinch of sage in your boots, and all day long a spicy scent is your reward. Aah! Oh, my gosh! Look!

You've got more talent than any dancer I've ever seen, and you're throwing it all away! Screw you! Screw everybody! All right, girls, tops off. It's showtime!

I am Brenda. I am programmed to talk in a calm and constructive manner. Destroy! Destroy!

But I can give life to animated Internet cartoons. Let me show you one of our hottest shows-- Bin Laden in a Blender.

a feisty Supreme Court justice, who's searching for his birth mother... while competing in a cross-country fire truck race. It's garbage. Barney, you gotta fly us up there and save my kids. I can't. I've never flown solo. Barney, the call is from heroism.

No es bueno. Winners don't use drugs. Ehh! Ehh! Ehh! Ehh! Ehh! Ehh! Ehh! Ehh! Aw! I'm outta money. Don't say that out loud.

lousy Skinner. You are late for work. Of course I'm late for work! Principal Skinner keeps me after school. ThIs Guy Skinner causing you trouble? He sure is, patron. Hmm. Perhaps we should go to meet and greet this individual. Come on, boys.

You two will dance, and you'll like it. Then you'll have punch, and you'll drink it.

Listen to those lucky people enjoying that pretty flower. I got nothin'. Just this can! Hal At least there's someone worse off than me. Ohh!

I hereby dedicate this statue of Drederick Tatum. Litter is my most treacherous foe. I would like to eat its children. So long, suckers! Ooh! My mouth.

to the--" "Puppies." "Patriotism." "Bluebirds." I'm not reading this drivel. This speech is over. Well, that was a great night for us all.

i'm taking them all down! Oh, look at all the rich people! Oh, look at that rich-- Shh! Don't shush me, you rich bastard!

That's me. Do do do do Da da da da Aloha-- Aloha-- Ow! Until we meet a--

I don't want to hear your whining.

If you'll just open that door, you'll see the next mayor of Springfield. Nice. Very nice. What'd it say? No, no, no.

Oh, yeah. That sounds-- Oh, yeah, the taxes! The finger thing means the taxes. Well, I guess this is a case where we'll have to agree to disagree. - I don't agree to that. - Neither do I. This is a dilly of a pickle. Oh, my God! The P.T.A. has disbanded!

I'm on the highway to hell no stop signs, speed limit

Hey, Flanders, over here! I got us some kick-ass seats!

I saved your career, man! Remember your comeback special? Yeah, well, what have you done for me lately? I got you that Danish. And I'll never forget it. Hey, kid.

More, please. Good Lord. This can't be happening. By all medical logic, steam should be shooting out of his ears. His ears if we're lucky!

(COCKS GUN) So Mom and Dad are going to Atlantic City. But their luggage isn't. (CHUCKLING) And Homer's getting a low-fat meal. HOMER: No! You're more boring than my husband. And he's dead. Well, I bet I smell better.

Your mother and I have been thinking about giving the puppies away! No! Mainly your mother. Is that what we do in this family? When someone becomes an inconvenience, we just get rid of them?

It's Marge! She's become a crazed criminal just because I didn't take her to the ballet. That's exactly how Dillinger got started. Really? I don't wanna be a wet blanket, but maybe you should give yourself up. Marge, it's a matter of principle. I just can't let that deadbeat win again. You're with me, aren't ya?

Heaven has a wide array of fine dining just steps from your room. Have a light bite at the Pope of Sandwich Village. Okay, let's see. Earth is channel 23, I think. (SCREAMING) (GROWLING)

What's the big deal about a rock that looks like a dude? I've got a dad that looks like a monkey. Bart, you promised you'd stop making that comparison! Per our agreement!

Ah, incorrect, Marge-- two perfectly good jackets. I think it's great you're a teacher, Dad. So, will you be lecturing from a standardized text... or using the more Socratic method of interactive class participation? Yes, Lisa. Daddy's a teacher.

Now you listen to me. I don't like you. I never liked you. And the only reason I gave you that stupid Valentine... is 'cause nobody else would! Watch this, Lise. You can actually pinpoint the second when his heart rips in half. And... now. Ohhh.

That tree house is never gonna get built at this rate. Time to call in the pros.

Yeah, let's go! Wow, look at all these gadgets. If I were a nerd, I'd be in heaven. Good morning, ma'am. Good afternoon, sir.

Gabbo's kind of language has no place on or off TV. And that's my two cents. That oughta hold those S.O.B.s. What the--

I'm talking about treating serious injuries. Serious injuries. Oh, that's gold.

It's "chowdah." Say it right! "Shah-der." Come back here! I'm not through demeaning you!

Selma, will you marry me? Don't be a fool. That man is scum. Then call me "Mrs. Scum."

Who's next? That would be me. Thank you, sonny.

Helen, I'm in a Caribbean mood tonight. How about giving me "Baby Elephant Walk"... with a little reggae kind of beat. Go, Dancin' Homer ! Heat up, man, heat up ! Lively up yourself, Dancin' Homer.

I'm your pal Buddy Can you spare a dime Huh ? What the-- Uh, Mr. Burns ?

Homer ? Bart, get out and push. Yeah, Bart. Get out and push. No way, jose. Okay, we've seen a lion. Can we go now ?

Don't you see? That would be taking the easy way out. I agree.

Now, class, open your math books to the word problems of our Lord. "Billy and Joseph start their penance at the same time. "If each swear word brings 1,000 years in hell..." BART: "Saint Sebastian was a pious Roman soldier. "For preaching Christianity to the Romans, "the Emperor Diocletian sentenced him to death by hail of arrows."

I'll just unfurl this. That was my worst unfurling ever! Lisa, how could you? The governor is crying.

Can I pick the song ? No. The song will be "john Henry Was a Steel Drivin' Man." Oh, no. We're gonna make you sing, Bart Simpson. Yeah, Bart Simpson, we're gonna make you sing.

Why don't you kids come trick-or-treating with Maggie and me? Nah, it's too early. I need to work under cover of darkness. Oh, Homer, you're not going as a hobo again? Going where?

Well, if loving my kids is lame, then I guess I'm just a big lame. Mom, it's lame to be proud of being lame. Well, life is like a box of chocolates. Mom, no! Mom! You never know-- what you're gonna get.

Thanks, Mom. It doesn't seem to be going very well. Well, don't give up. When you love somebody, you have to have faith that in the end they will do the right thing. The challenger learned how to fight... in the notorious projects of Capital City... and honed his skills while serving time...

You can't make us come down! You adults are always givin' us orders! You kids are always disobeying them. Well, adults treat kids like children! Kids treat adults like cash machines! Adults! Kids! Adults! Kids! Adults! Kids! You've had your fun now we've hAd our fill

Hey, where's Dad? Rise and shine, everybody. You went to the snack car? Yeah. But first I talked to the engineer. He said there's a procedure for dealing with events of this nature.

Perhaps there is no moral to this story. Exactly ! It's just a bunch of stuff that happened.

Maggie, look whets in your ear. A penny. Okay, we wont tell no one about that. Now let's see. What else can we do?

This place is depressing. Hey, I live here !

Are you a professional writer? Mm-mmm. Are you interested in politics or government? I don't know. Are you interested in anything? I don't know. - Could you touch your nose for me? Hmm. - Mm. Hmm. Lisa, after meeting your father,

No. No. Better yet, my prank monkey. Will you keep giving me money? I can't have my little monkey running around in rags. Whoo-hoo! Hey! What are you doing, man? That's Carl! Let me help you. There.

Psst. Hey, you guys. Uh, I was just thinking that any one of us could be next. So, what do you say we make a break for it?

Good Lord, Smithers! You look atrocious. I thought I told you to take a vacation.

And to show you we're serious, you have 12 hours. See you at 6:00 a.m. Homer, did you tell the Mafia they could eliminate my competitors... with savage beatings and attempted murder? In those words? Yes.

Hey! Without oil, you wouldn't have your fancy four-wheel drives. You want to go back to two-wheel drive? Well, do ya? I didn't mean to steal focus. Antarctic life is a constant struggle. These sea lions survive...

D'oh! Ow! - Ow! - Look out! Oh, no. I'm gonna go off the end of the--

Hmm. Sounds like she's hitting a baby with a cat. You have to listen to the notes she's not playing. I can do that at home.

My little girl likes Red Vines! You little... (SCREAMING)

Quiet, Bart ! Let's make the best of this. Maybe I'll go slip into something a little more comfortable. Oh ! Your blue thing with the things ? You'll see. Well, shake a leg, mama.

Thanks for letting us stay with you. Oh, please. It is such an honor to host our favorite family. And you came at an exciting time. I'm chairing a meeting ofthe galactic U.N. My apologies. The paint is still wet on Ambassador Farfoon.

Hey! I got that for my birthday.

Hmm? Uhh! What the-- Eww! D'oh! Soup's on, fat boy! Ooh! Ow! Hey! No! No! Help! No! Ow! No! Yo, Andy, no! Homer! Homer!

(WHIMPERS) (DON'T STAND SO CLOSE TO ME PLAYING) (YELLING)

No tongue, eh? How did he talk-- and eat and laugh and love? He had a prosthetic tongue made out of silver. Yes. That'd do.

Your mama always said you'd be the Chosen one She said you're one in a million You got to burn to shine You were born under a bad sign With a blue moon in your eye

I got this in the Second World War II. Back then I was known as Sergeant Simpson, and I commanded the Flying Hellfish, the fightingest squad in the fightingest company... in the third-fightingest battalion in the army.

Come on. You try it. No. I couldn't. Yeah. Just breathe slowly and squeeze the-- I hit it! I hit it! My cans. My precious, antique cans. Aw, look what you done to 'em. Well, it's getting late. Maybe we should call it a night.

You're under arrest, Simpson, for grand theft auto. Now put up your hands.

But this is just a place of business. Oh. Okay. Get me Kaputnik and Fonebone!

Mmm! Here he is, Rex Harrison and Paul Anka rolled into one. Ooh!

Any valuables in the house? Well, the Picasso, my collection of classic cars-- Sorry. This policy only covers actual losses, not made-up stuff. Well, that's just great. Fire, man's oldest foe.

- Give it up, Homer. It's locked up tight. - Locked, eh ? Well, I just might have a little surprise up my sleeve... for old Mr. Lock. Step aside, boy. Hey ! I'm with you, Homer !

If you wanna be my lover you got to get with my friends Making love's forever friendship never ends Yeah. The open road. If you wanna be my lover

Homer! Homer! Thank you. Thank you. But there was someone else with me on that alley. I'm talkin' about the big man-- Carl! Aw, can the corn, bonehead. Ah. Children, today's local hero is Homer Simpson.

joy to the world The Lord is come Let earth receive her king Let every Season's greetings. Peace out.

and, oh-- I'll never memorize all this. When I had to learn about the Magna Carta, I made up a song. In 1215 at runnymede doo-dah, doo-dah the nobles and the king agreed oh, da-doo da-day We should've lived together first.

And when a man doesn't have his mother, he winds up like me. ALL: Aw... I mean, I'm due back in this same courtroom three times today. Hell, I torched a blood bank! One cookie, my ass!

Mom! Prohibition may be unpopular, but it's the law, and we still have-- Go to your room, Lisa! Open up, Curly! This is a raid! A raid? Curly?

I can't betray him. I'm afraid you have no choice. And remember, this information is highly classified. Cheese! Good morning, Agent Johnson. The film you are about to see--

But in the end, just when things looked worst, true love triumphed.

Snapping fingers may not make food appear.

Children, you can have one piece of candy tonight... and save the rest for-- If you eat too much, you'll have nightmares. Oh, yeah, everybody in this family... will have a bad nightmare tonight. Oh, yeah, three bad nightmares. I'd like to see that. Heh-heh-heh.

Are you watching? Are you watching? (MOANS) When they come busting out, we'll be ready. Every single guard is outside waiting for them. Something don't feel right. Usually when there's a jailbreak, there's electricity in the air,

Convoy That could be Bart. Throw away your bulky transmitters and broadcasting towers. The superstar celebrity microphone lets you hear your voice through any A.M. radio. Hey, good-looking, we'll be back to pick you up later.

But I have finger insurance! A thumb is not a finger. Isn't there anything you can do? Well, I could cut off the other thumb for a sense of symmetry. Symmetry, eh? Hibbert's really losing it. We're going to Dr. Nick's. We need more ice. My thumb is fading fast!

Overdue book? This is the biggest frame-up since O.J. Wait a minute. Blood in the Bronco, the cuts on his hands, those Jay Leno monologues. Oh, my God! He did it!

Whoa! Whew. That was close.

I think you misheard me.

Sleep. Let old Homer jay set things right. It's the time of the season and let me try with pleasured hands Huh?

Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home wine-making course and I forgot how to drive? - That's because you were drunk! - And how.

It's an emergency. If it's an emergency, then. We understand some drains in your area have been malfunctioning, sucking in people and whatnot. - Willikers! That's awful! - Indeed. We need you to check your sinks and toilets... and tell us which way the water is going. And please, stand clear!

Oh, man. The plant cut one.

We've been out here six seconds. You've already managed to blow the routine. Sexless freak.

We shouldn't work together. As the Bible says, "Thou shalt not horn in on thy husband's... racket." Where does the Bible say "racket"? It's in there. Look, Marge, we just don't need the money that bad.

Why don't you just take my blood?

We were robbed? You seem to know an awful lot about this for an innocent person. We were saving that money for our family vacation. Now we're gonna have to start all over again. Aw, don't worry, sweetheart. I'll get us the money-- even if I have to get a second job.

Man, you're bending the hell out of that kickstand, Dad. Why don't you just take it for a ride? Promise you won't laugh? Yeah, I promise. I don't know how. You're kidding!

Lenny, Carl, how you doing? Hey, Homer. How's retirement? It's awesome. You know what I've gotten into? Sleeping till noon. Yeah, well, we better get going. Some of us have to get up for work tomorrow. Hey, just because I'm not working doesn't mean I can't gripe like you guys.

That's right. And as my first act, Mr. Burns, you’re fired! What? That man's mad! Smithers, get this bedlamite an alienist! No! ts entirely within my power. Furthermore, there never were any nuclear inspectors.

Oh, yes. That's totally voluntary.

We're the Hell's Satans out of Bakersfield! You're the Hell's Satans? What a fun coincidence. - My gang's name is also the-- - Shut up! You stole our club name. According to our bylaws, we gotta stomp you.

Son, let's go out for frosty chocolate milk shakes. Cowabunga, dude! And... cut! Dad, I've never said "Cowabunga" in my life. Your script sucks. Why, you little--

Extreme closure. But I've been Dr. Tad Winslow for 25 years. It's time I got a raise! Oh, shut up, you windy old hack. And another thing, you have to stop calling me that. Remember me? Twenty-five years ago,

What's this? "Goodbye, Springfield"?

Here, Milhouse. You go first. Okay. Now throw the vine back. There's no time.

They cannot keep making dolls like this. Something has to be done! Lisa, ordinarily I'd say you should stand up for what you believe in. But you've been doing that an awful lot lately.

Not right now, Son. Daddy's talking to a policeman. Uh, let me put it this way. I'm looking for my friend Bill. Have you seen any Bills around here? No. He's Bart. I--

and tri-corner hat. You will have the hat cleaned and then return it. Oh, Dad. I'm really sorry. I know how much you wanted to be in the parade. Oh, it's not your fault, honey.

I don't want to be either. Hot diggety damn! That's good enough for me.

(ALL SCREAMING) (GIANT FISH GULPS)

And I'd like to dedicate this next song to my wife Patti.